diff --git "a/sentiments_filtered.csv" "b/sentiments_filtered.csv" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/sentiments_filtered.csv" @@ -0,0 +1,37820 @@ +Unnamed: 0,statement,status +30590,i am going to see a movie with a friend of mine. what about you?,Normal +6637,Can you raise HT?,Normal +42004,stuiy never again will i click on a link that scream quot i m a spider i m a spider quot i should have known better yucky,Normal +4315,KUY! follower? rt - rose,Normal +31250,i guess he really liked his new girlfriend.,Normal +42209,cant sleep but im still feelin like a piece of shit,Normal +28594,"Sometimes one a week on the weekend. This worked greated. Until late june. She started to cancel my visits to see her. Asking if I was mad, when I constantly told her I supported everything she needed to do to succeed.",Normal +44269,can not upload my pic,Normal +6454,"You can't get sick, let's take another vitamin injection/infusion that costs 1 Kpop album first. Instead of a real Eid, people are lying down because they are falling right",Normal +37473,Raikb is not tired of everything,Normal +2048,kirk moment,Normal +33050,i'm looking in the newspaper for a job.,Normal +4903,"There is a god who always accompanies our feet wherever we step, so don't be afraid, because God will definitely provide help for his people.",Normal +765,there will always be tai. So it's not just beautiful,Normal +3542,"even though at mother-in-law's house there must be ketupat, you just want to cook nyokap.. it tastes just as good, but because the taste is already old, you can't forget it.. is it not? #makannyokap",Normal +768,This Monday was many times slower than the usual Monday. damn it,Normal +1803,JYO TIESOO?????,Normal +37416,@ThE_ED uh oh you're in trouble,Normal +28329,"Please, Do not hate him. Yes, he took her side so many times. You can say that he should have seen the signs or whatever, but honestly, no he couldnt have. He worked 14-16 hours a day (in las vegas heat, that is no fucking joke of a day) to support his household. She would make sure I was tucked in bed by the time he got home, and what little chances i got to see him, he would have already heard from her I was horrible some way or another and have the impression i was trying to lie.",Normal +44930,i m wish i wouldn t have drank coffee all day long need sleep must sleep can t sleep,Normal +30712,i'm really happy that you came to visit me.,Normal +42740,tiffinyhogg i heard timewarp wa fantastic gutted i missed it wa playing egg,Normal +2721,"don't say ""without jungkook eren it won't be trending again""..#EREN",Normal +28755,"But he doesn't ask, either. When I do open up, all I can think is ""He's probably bored and wishing I'll stop talking."" or ""He hasn't contributed to this conversation once, why don't I just talk to a wall?"" I know he cares, he really does. He has voiced his frustration that he can't relate and that I struggle.",Normal +30581,i'm going to the movies with a friend. how about you?,Normal +33450,that's a lot of money.,Normal +2559,"God, I still can't believe it, I remember at the beginning of the NCT booth, there were a lot of people who said that SM's failed products, the concept wasn't clear, especially when the SM treatment was given to Dreamies themselves, which was great '© too. But we finally here omg yes dreamies deserve!!! NCT DREAM MILLION SELLERðŸ'š",Normal +32746,he said a doctor helped him with a personal problem.,Normal +36393,"Eating an Ed's waffle, with icecream cream n chocolate sauce. OMGOSH amazing!!!!",Normal +1021,I'm at this age still bucini bujank bujank nyai sooman,Normal +3310,I already guessed that starting at 9 o'clock it was for all the participants I'm not surprised,Normal +31320,are you sure?,Normal +32158,so do i.,Normal +42808,need to study for quant and do legal process assessment for moro,Normal +32733,golf is so hard.,Normal +5194,good morning bestii,Normal +2733,What should we do,Normal +37124,"Busy times at Elstree Studios. New arrivals include, Murderland, Secret Diary of a call girl - Re-uniting the Rubins - Huge - Sainsburys",Normal +43308,i have had an allergic reaction to my contact stuck with my spec until it clear up mean and end to my breast feeding tho,Normal +31299,what about the pillowcases?,Normal +27843,"Sorry, this will probably be a little long. So, I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year early last month, and it's been... rough. Half the time, I don't even know why we broke up. When people ask me about it, I get so confused as to what to say, because I feel like even *I* don't know. I thought our breakup was mutual.",Normal +43886,is even more irritated to find that the patch doesn t even get released properly until tmrw whats the point of letting you do it now,Normal +6203,"One tweet is debating life and questioning one's existence. In another tweet, drooling kyj abs.. It's weird, you know, confused about the purpose of life.",Normal +3031,"Ask for help please, just tweet",Normal +43483,obama is visiting istanbul today therefore all main road have been closed cause and effect,Normal +42939,my paronychia hurt,Normal +43167,want to go to easterfest,Normal +32551,what do you want the waiter to do?,Normal +4679,"I have a habit of always pouring manon water in the market, hiks..",Normal +3997,Can't wait to see the behavior of 7 bachelors at the fairy ending at the mushow⠻😬,Normal +42436,misterphipps you cooked risotto without me,Normal +6638,SE MURI JYP?,Normal +28641,"* Do I have to leave something for my children in a will? * What if the police pull me over for whatever reason, and how do I treat a situation like that? * Does an agreement have to be given in a written form? Questions like that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!",Normal +2388,"Continuously upgrade the quality of ourselves, so that we always have added value.",Normal +2330,"Yes, you know that BPR has passed, want to know when you get it? HAHAHAHAHA",Normal +42850,i hate cooking dinner,Normal +32887,i went to hawaii on vacation.,Normal +44595,working rite now but have a massive headache building and feeling very sick,Normal +36832,morning everyone.,Normal +30893,we should hang out some time.,Normal +28112,"The vehicle then hit a tree and went into the river. He was able to get out the vehicle but the rapids of the river were too strong and he couldn't save his girlfriend and his son. He then had to find a house or someone with a phone to call 911. Once rescue came, they also couldn't save his girlfriend and son due to the water being too high and dangerous. And all occupants passed away in that accident.",Normal +2208,im so confused,Normal +32253,they shouldn't even call it news.,Normal +33743,i must not use this finger until the cut heals.,Normal +30960,it's not in my wallet.,Normal +29889,"I started my seizure while on the stairs and as a result was pretty badly injured. I broke my ankle and injured my knee. I also required stitches in my face. Let me make this very clear- I recognize that this experience must have been **terrifying** for Tom. I understand how frightening and anxiety provoking, and even traumatizing this was for him.",Normal +4072,"May you be among those who have happy returns. Sorry if there are wrong words, wrong love, wrong miss and misplaced feelings --",Normal +30775,i hope that i'll see you there.,Normal +31697,you're not going to be buried?,Normal +29389,"3. Watch telenovelas (if you haven't seen the drama in those shows, it makes you forget about anxiety pretty quick. After all, who will Jane choose, Michael or Rafael??) 4. Go for a walk, though now that my new employment is 15 minutes away each way via walking, I am getting some decent walking in 5 days a week.",Normal +33247,that sounds like a dream job.,Normal +44902,so today is apparently cuddle up day and i have no one to cuddle up with,Normal +41720,tuesday ll start with reflection n then a lecture in stress reducing technique that sure might become very useful for u accompaniers,Normal +44752,odo snape maven owwie the dictation software won t pick up whispering eh i know meleney ha it but dunno how good sound pickup is,Normal +5309,"Don't make someone happy with a lie, because if the truth comes, SORRY you may not accept.",Normal +32419,of course not.,Normal +45200,mornnnninggg ugh by cub ha gone to work without a phoneee got no one to textt,Normal +4238,Kise nu rwa k hasseya ta ki hasseya...Dukh v bol k dseya ta ki dseya!!.â™¥ï¸ â™¥ï¸ ™ ™,Normal +36221,"@Peerug you been puffing on that dragon again, ey?",Normal +37296,"@PhilipMcCluskey I gotcha this is my fridge: http://tinyurl.com/dxvmx7 ...not sure it's photographed well though, arg.",Normal +2669,"WIDIH, MY FRIENDSHIP MILLION SELLER??? ️",Normal +44535,re 0 congrats bella miss you,Normal +30854,i have things to do.,Normal +3960,Can't you put the picture near the back of the phone?,Normal +5201,just realized base tinsell to l word ya,Normal +44370,need to go and do some college work and then go to work having had no food,Normal +44628,you ve all failed me,Normal +44967,uni suck have to leave home at 00 to attend a lecture at 0 to 0 amp roadworks everywhere mt installing fibre cable,Normal +44803,dr black yes i wa invited but will be in san francisco very sorry to miss it,Normal +1420,What kind of banana do you want to come back at if you have pkp tomorrow ™ƒ,Normal +45183,kal penn i just watched house and got really sad i liked kutner,Normal +43430,awillert im so jealous i want salsa but the cooky were amazing,Normal +29721,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +4844,Melaka is so small you know '€,Normal +3708,So remember that you've been messing around with paper,Normal +36069,"@richard_bell nah, I think going sideways is best, really helps when dodging bullets",Normal +32314,that's a lot of money.,Normal +42937,v event no way ur at a game right now,Normal +43322,laertesgirl sorry to hear that anything specific x,Normal +42897,thanks chaffie thousand apology please fogive me i have sinned,Normal +2110,It's not in vain that I cosplay as a referee,Normal +2022,hiiragi shinya why is your life story so tragic,Normal +1358,no me creo lo d yp,Normal +41988,kaeeeep yeah i know it wa horrible ugh saddening,Normal +2464,Can't get it thrðŸ'”,Normal +32575,i think we should just leave after we fill up on the bread.,Normal +43234,going to watch julian play bball i want phoebe,Normal +41726,might be getting a sore throat again,Normal +1040,Grow up,Normal +5505,"Spain, Singapore and South Korea are really dream countries after Mecca",Normal +30355,"there's a new girl in school, have you seen her yet?",Normal +44781,this is amazing but i can only get word per minute http play typeracer com,Normal +29652,"Had a good weekend, went to a movie together the 19th. Feb 22 she started full dose of Zoloft. Feb 23 weekend, we hung out again, but mostly stayed in because I was tired from traveling for work again. She seemed a bit more distant than I'd seen her but still content, and we had a good weekend together. Everything remained normal up til Feb 26 or so, regular texting, sexy texts, etc.",Normal +5200,and right now I should be ashamed and panicked,Normal +31321,it's almost empty.,Normal +44475,kimberley lol awww i want a cuddle now you almost made my eye leak love you too lt,Normal +2646,I want to move on from you but it's hard :(,Normal +41719,shooting outside my house o not kidding so scared,Normal +31590,did he ever take art lessons?,Normal +33812,"brush, brush. spit, spit.",Normal +36680,"@dink9966 Losing those 2 guys is huge, but you gotta deal with it. Time to call up Weber for the PP & Price to take some NyQuil #habs",Normal +30997,tell me you're joking.,Normal +28792,"Link to donate: Below You can find the mission statement for the fundraiser, but I'd like to say something first. This is the programs tenth year and we're looking to leave a legacy for the next ten years of players to come through. But not only the, but our community. We use a public field that is shared with our community and we love them.",Normal +29081,"Hi all! I run a general mental health peer support chatroom on Discord for people 18\+. At over 2500 members, we still maintain a close community\-oriented atmosphere with rules in place and moderators present at all times. Most diagnoses, except those relating to the endangerment of children, are welcome. This is a first person group, so you need to be the person with a disorder to participate.",Normal +42266,i just can t spell today i totally suck,Normal +31099,i mean you're wasting your life.,Normal +32481,"we had a $40 meal, and he left a $1 tip!",Normal +5487,CHAT,Normal +2648,Cheese cheese and hand e,Normal +43019,cannibaleyes i a bowling and the shit ripped,Normal +36103,Going to day care! Get to see hannah! This should be a good day. I hope so anyway.,Normal +31443,this city is full of jerks.,Normal +32376,maybe. what is she like?,Normal +5811,"How about the MRSM slave who is just confined, the parents want to see you, the school doesn't share it. Suddenly there are students who are positive for Covid. Can Covid be spread through the air?",Normal +29014,"We met and it went really well - he's a super sweet, smart, and thoughtful kid (just like his dad). It turns out that the kid has (VERY recently - after I met his dad) been dealing with some mental health issues - he texted a friend that he was suicidal, and his parents have been scrambling to get him help because they are not sure if he has depression or something else. He's since started therapy and seems to be doing ok but obviously they are very concerned. I listened and was very supportive when he told me (I've dealt with my fair share of mentally ill family members) and I could tell he really appreciated it. We talked about it a few more times after that day.",Normal +4967,"As strong as a girl is patient, she will give up after a long time, if her patience is never appreciated at all.",Normal +44124,ughhhhh i so didn t see that coming on house ilu bb,Normal +31386,do you want me to wake you in an hour?,Normal +32877,why is that?,Normal +37079,"@holyschmoke fingers are firmly crossed for you, any advice, give me a shout",Normal +30446,i bought it from the macy's at the santa anita mall.,Normal +2627,"Oh God, why is my laptop acting up and I'm tired.",Normal +36981,@willconley777 Thanks for helping share the PostRank love.,Normal +5671,"I don't want to discuss together.. I was told to think for myself.. It was my turn to make a decision, blamed it.. BGSD",Normal +3501,you are in Lampung & surrounding? order through our reseller Follow WahSoccerLPG Hub 081996832593 || PIN 774AB7BF6,Normal +41669,machineplay i m so sorry you re having to go through this again therapyfail,Normal +31921,"he said he was thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.",Normal +843,"Good morning, dear",Normal +1054,"The Messenger of Allah (SAW) said, ""Indeed, it is an exaggeration to eat whatever you want."" (HR. Ibn Majah) Ramadan Increases Piety",Normal +4291,"Wait a minute, why is this a dream??????!!",Normal +6720,rip teru,Normal +41552,ugh 9 degree tomorrow,Normal +5090,Anyone not fasting?,Normal +45216,the swanage fieldtrip is legendary for carnage it s the only reason i chose geography pity my uni doesn t run it theinbetweeners,Normal +3523,Wallahy nefsy adkhol group eldof3a ashofhom byloko feh ehh,Normal +29539,"I began to see a therapist and started taking some medication for my mood. I was really trying to improve myself. The first medication I tried, I now believe, made things like social anxiety worse. I recently found a medication (Zoloft) that has changed my life. I had been exercising, going out of my way to connect with old friends who I like in an effort to curb the isolation etc.",Normal +30750,"exactly, it seems like it's going to be loads of fun.",Normal +6024,+ = steady ea,Normal +41935,good god they ruined my belly button,Normal +5693,wiiiiiiile!! Oh my!,Normal +41539,viennah yay i m happy for you with your job but that also mean le time for me and you,Normal +32504,some people have good noses.,Normal +41502,tatiana k nope they didn t have it,Normal +43585,islandnene well you didnt even consult me to see what my plan were maybe they changed and they did so thanks,Normal +29726,"This isn't the first time this has happened, even with my ex I used to put effort into creating funny and deep conversations and she'd make quite surface level replies, but I thought it was because she was severely depressed so I didn't mind making an effort with her. Am I missing something? She doesn't have many hobbies and works in a pub so I can't talk about her interests really as the only think she kinda likes is textiles and she doesn't do it anymore as she's so focused on her job. I should probably mention she's really really shy, which she has admitted to me. For example, when we meet in person, she's so nervous that she's physically shaking for about 15 minutes until she relaxes.",Normal +32986,spring break starts tomorrow.,Normal +27876,"I refuse to carry both of us anymore and I'm also tired of the drama between us as well. So, part of me hopes he doesn't pay the rent and that'll give me my push to really move on. Anyway, I'm ok with going to a shelter, but I worry about my laptop. I remember when I was living in a shelter when I was a kid, they didn't allow you to have certain items. I don't want to part with my laptop for them to keep it safe and it gets ""lost"".",Normal +31489,i don't know.,Normal +30527,that's exactly how i felt.,Normal +43103,summer camp or summer school both are boarding lol,Normal +41812,alicayaba so cuuute hey i miss you na it not the same not seeing you girl everyday,Normal +3749,IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN THERE'S A STORY SEQUEL I LIKE,Normal +5382,"Don't underestimate anyone, greet you, you're not better than that person.",Normal +42988,find her mom rly annoying i need to detox and do an h o day my skin is shitting,Normal +43715,yes it is and i got ripped off do not shop at wow,Normal +43703,back at the office still only day until another long weekend,Normal +45176,loris sl i see they are still having aftershock over there i m following eqwatch which tell me there s just been another quake,Normal +5642,the part of the hand that is rotated by the CANDU BGT ASELI,Normal +5059,"Promoting BBM services with 2000+ contacts for only 15 thousand, suitable for your olshop / business pin:26b58aa7 | 08979662178 corner ad_ send ad",Normal +27543,"I'm fine, or so I thought. All my issues with anger, alcohol abuse, frequent bouts of depression, difficulties focusing or concentrating at work, I attributed to my bipolar disorder, and that was all I worked on. I've tried so many different types of medications and combinations thereof, more than 10 for sure, and even underwent electro-convulsive therapy, but nothing helped. It was not until this past summer that I thought to try therapy, something I had actively avoided. I didn't think that talking about anything would affect my bipolar disorder, and I **really** didn't want to talk about my trauma.",Normal +5554,"bullying habib, sometimes wedi is bad, but how come it's funny",Normal +32460,did you have a date friday night?,Normal +1509,"I'm sorry, guys, I didn't help drop the template, I've already helped you with the link. but if you want to drop the template here, ok~ lia wants to rest first, yes, it's still early but after taking the medicine, so I want to rest first.. here, drop the tmplt brother, if you want",Normal +44653,is back in byron bay cafe fresh missing all my melbourne friend,Normal +27495,"I know what it means to dive into oneself. I asked him and he confirmed its a deeper variant. I got excited. There’s no switching out of consciousness, you can reject what he says, your totally in control (or so he’s telling me :)). So the first part was getting me deep, through counting, dropping my hand and other techniques I went deep.",Normal +31683,"i don't know. whenever the weather comes on, i switch channels.",Normal +32273,it was like being there?,Normal +31882,what do you mean?,Normal +5902,"It's crazy Ramadan this year, Bimo only eats noodles once, noodles samyang at sahur even though before that it was almost every day huaaa",Normal +44822,gemmaface awww gemma i hope you re not,Normal +29723,"Long story but a few years ago my wife of fifteen years, who had never been with anyone else opened up and told me she fantasized a lot about being with other men, and considered herself somewhat polyamorous. I was upset and it took a couple of years of us discussing this before I started to feel more comfortable with things. We eventually started swinging (only about once every couple of months and always same room) as it seemed like a way for us to explore this part of her together, and it ended up being a lot of fun and something I really enjoyed that brought us closer together. Well, it’s been a couple of years and I’ve felt happy and comfortable with where we are at but I decided to ask my wife the other day and she said she was happy but she also had a desire to date people separately, and would be willing to try it if I was. This was really hard for me to hear.",Normal +44862,hopeok but i will be soon dy,Normal +3680,"Don't be afraid to fall, if you want to feel the beauty of getting up #ibbenk",Normal +4936,"Ish, this uncle has a temper like three tribes he made it",Normal +32978,what do you mean?,Normal +32624,of course.,Normal +3149,Sig or not? I'm so sorry for sure,Normal +28380,"Context: My father-in-law is/was the ultimate handyman, he could do practically everything round the house. He undertook a massive project to essentially redo the entire house by himself. At the time of this post it has been 7 years on going and had faced innumerous delays. The biggest restrictions was of course money, my father-in-law refused to get any contractors, in the belief they were too expensive and wouldn't do the job to the standard he wanted, he also sourced all the materials from back yard sales and contacts.",Normal +43861,peachfuzz uk ah but that s ok you see a it is quot to stop da terrorist quot and anything that claim to be for that is acceptable,Normal +42218,unholyknight so did your mom last night brb while i figure out whether i just burned you or myself the most,Normal +32462,who did you go out with?,Normal +5376,I'm lazy to like virtual sm again,Normal +1756,"good morning bestie, excited for today",Normal +31280,i found a button in my pant cuffs one time.,Normal +35929,@ErikAbele The one we were looking out for?,Normal +42468,grr not down to go to school today,Normal +43035,sooooooo busy right now have a lot of custom order to catch up on haven t blogged since the st there aren t enough hr in a day,Normal +3712,ni-ki best maknae,Normal +1057,Full done,Normal +44852,aventure that s window for you i get to deal with about 0 window server and 0 window machine misbehaving every day shoot me,Normal +28013,"My sister messaged me ""CALL ME ASAP"" I received her message at 1am when I woke up at my own home to use the restroom. I called my sister at that time, she answered the phone and I heard yelling and screaming. What happened was, My sister gave my father a ride back to wherever it was he came from - to get him out of their home. My father would not leave my moms home unless she also came along.",Normal +32730,"yes, it's cheaper than a hot dog or a beer.",Normal +30472,i see that you're pretty talented.,Normal +42437,keeeerrrrriiiiii i really have nothing better to do then post on this thing at am wonderfullll say alot,Normal +36138,"trying out Spaz for Twitter posts. love my DestroyTwitter, but it's easier to read Spaz!",Normal +32958,"well, i guess that's why he did it.",Normal +4394,rip jyp que,Normal +33006,they added phony charges to our bill.,Normal +44307,nickdawson hope your knee feel better quickly though after having been on it all night,Normal +30202,i'm attending pcc right now.,Normal +3155,"Inhaling aing tea, my loba asa ngagoler jeung ngahuleng na. But from the ideals of wishing to become jalma beunghar :((",Normal +6567,"This Ramadan, I got two hampers which I love. We're not friends on IG, so I didn't post it but I'm confused, is the concept of hampers being replied to or what, lol",Normal +6243,Last night I put cola in the fridge but forgot to drink it,Normal +3832,"At the age of 25, instead of having 100 million money, you are asked when you will get married",Normal +30005,"Maybe programming, I can spend more than 12 hours a day if needed to learn programming. My point is, I´m not looking for any handouts or anything like that, I´m ready to spend countless of hours to work so I can help my family. What are your thoughts? TL, DR: Father passed away, my mother can´t pay the rent and bills etc. Now I ask for advice for jobs and ways to increase my income so I can help my mother pay the rents",Normal +4207,"I don't understand that there is a roadblock but the SOP for work force is easy, it's clear that people go out to work early in the morning. No roadblocks have been jammed, this is even worse. Why is this royal soup getting dizzy and confused?? #KerajaanGagal #SOP #Malaysia",Normal +30193,it's okay. it's a really big campus.,Normal +2551,"take a week off, should be for Eid, the rest is for fishing '",Normal +36504,RT @jmattjmattjmatt: When you’re trying to go out for pre-game and you hear... “Ay come take this pic with your family!!!” Oh well... happy…,Normal +43487,late night is all re run http ff im y0 l,Normal +44165,look like the nobel peace prize is simply a popularity contest http tinyurl com cffz h,Normal +32912,what's wrong with the bed?,Normal +30369,what does she look like?,Normal +33747,it smells so bad.,Normal +1203,"Why is it that students who are not polite are criticized after a long time, but it's the turn of the lecturers who are rich like that, they're usually just so annoyed in the morning",Normal +44038,even after the aust gov roll out it bln 00mb b band we ll still be way behind most of the rest of the world b band speed,Normal +44505,benjaminreid your internet still down o,Normal +42730,la discoteca i just saw this im sorry,Normal +5778,"If you meet Yoona, what do you want to do?|Yoona let's have coffee?⊙ω⊙",Normal +31502,did you give him a nose?,Normal +29199,"Until just a bit before I decide to move to that other city I've been thinking about moving to, I guess. Actually, I was told that it's cleared by cops every month, and I remember a flashlight being shined on me last month when I was too stoned to completely wake up (at least not so slowly) or to see whether it was a cop. Maybe it's the right kind of cop and I look the the kind of person they don't feel any need to bother for being here. This is more of an /r/randomthoughts post for me, but I'm putting it here because it's relevant.",Normal +44881,had a great st birthday but is sick a with the flu,Normal +41612,hanging in crooner wan na sing can t suck,Normal +1039,Was lamenting the stuck jnt package.,Normal +839,SEBASTIANN,Normal +42790,good morning hope everyone is feeling better than me this cold ha really got hold now,Normal +41615,wednesday my b day n don t know what do,Normal +5435,"Lmâ want to join rwess, do you have a netflix that is already open this morning?",Normal +42026,good morning ready go but i want go back bed,Normal +37125,@tommcfly i wouldn�t say "the best books ever written" but they are quite close though i was a bit disappointed about the 7th,Normal +2246,"It's really delicious in the morning, sweet martabak breakfast~",Normal +37653,"@SociallyCubed i miss IRC culture, Twitter is like the mainstream version, without the trout slapping",Normal +31645,i think it will only take you a year or two.,Normal +3611,NO HICW LAS TAREAS,Normal +43366,jacvanek what a sad thought if it isnt lt cc,Normal +41537,jonathanrknight awww i soo wish i wa there to see you finally comfortable im sad that i missed it,Normal +5762,"YES, where did the verification acc go£",Normal +41772,my son vinca is sick so i stay at home just three tense day at work and i am back on holiday with kid,Normal +43307,amyg0 thats really sad i wolud hate that but i had choco milk earlier d lol,Normal +37008,@stbalkcom do u know ur joe is on here now?,Normal +32770,the streets and sidewalks are clean.,Normal +28818,"I told him what he did. My brother realized the situation. Once my partner arrived back after 7 hours, he messaged me and said ""I didnt mean it to seem like a break up"". But, my brother was angry. He kicked him out.",Normal +4900,"How come it's on social media, it's on your shoulder '",Normal +3484,"We're adults, if there's a problem, it's a good thing to say, not to be silent :(",Normal +43816,is probably sick ffs,Normal +44553,rakeman it wa in the 0 f just last week,Normal +45136,rather tired after last night work getting woken up early doesn t help either,Normal +31098,what do you mean?,Normal +4113,MY BIRTHDAY HOHO,Normal +33413,but 90 percent of the world uses pcs.,Normal +31827,thank you. i'll buy a new one tomorrow.,Normal +28864,"Due to daughters older sibling and mother being the type that craves and feeds on enormous emotional attention, I am realizing how she's ended up making herself smaller and downplaying her own problems to not ""add to the burden"". AFAIK there has been no physical abuse, but there has been geographical and emotional abandonment from mother and brother, and probably a feeling of emotional abandonment from myself. She's smart and ambitious, but unfortunately totally lacking in self-confidence and has a habit of choosing away people and situations. I realize that through a life of undiagnosed ADD I've adopted a myriad of ""bad habits"" I will need to address for both mine and our sakes, as well as a ton of structure etc that need to be put in place. In that frame it would be very helpful to start at an end that benefits both of us, or at the very least doesn't exacerbate her PTSD.",Normal +27549,"Hey guys, I'm not homeless myself, I'm just after some advice. Basically, I work in a restaurant that closes late so I'm often not back to my apartment complex until around midnight. For the last few nights when I come back, I've noticed a homeless person sleeping between the glass front at the ground floor entrance and the back of the stairwell... This doesn't particularly bother me because I figured he's just sleeping and all the individual apartments have locks on the doors anyway. However I could understand if others in my complex would be distressed or anxious by this, especially if they live on the first floor (I'm fortunate to live higher up on the fourth floor).",Normal +31057,it goes on and on forever.,Normal +43659,i had plan today and now i m scared of you know moving for fear of teh boke fml,Normal +44369,window mobile doesnt allow me to write the stack pointer,Normal +6846,"It's simple, you don't need to have many friends as long as you have one friend who understands each other on the frequency, supporting each other is enough for me, who is fragile, hmch like squid bone",Normal +42404,sephystryx i ve been looking about for good stuff to write but also been doing load of uni work,Normal +1284,CyberSecurity,Normal +45160,t minus minute to go home well not home but to do laundry at home kindof the laundry is at home but the washer and dryer isn t,Normal +42557,saffron why not,Normal +41996,man that took forever,Normal +28899,"I am 22 years old and a newly wedded wife of 5+ months. I married my husband after waiting for the right guy my whole life. I waited my whole life because men scared me. I grew up believing all men were like my abuser, my dad, who abused me for the majority of my 22 years. Throughout my engagement, after I made it clear I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle, I was met with questions of ""why?""",Normal +44196,casasteve vw forum are a nightmare for that enthusiast on forum always result in politics and bitching,Normal +4809,Accepting Resellers of Sacrificial Animals with a profit sharing system (commission per head) hub 087836076141 / 081234886693,Normal +5175,"Selling admin panel tools to increase followers + retweets + favorite cheap only IDR 50,000 / month, can make limited stock sales, hurry :)",Normal +31975,of course. he stops the fastest cars.,Normal +42920,japh i wish i d known that there were more ticket earlier rang this arvo one left but amy would end up sitting alone sigh too hard,Normal +964,THANK GOD,Normal +32171,okay. teach me how to play.,Normal +29240,She has $40 dollars in her pocket. She did graduate from high school. She has stayed with different friends for the last year but has used up her welcome. She has no where else to turn. What is her best possible move to do in this situation?,Normal +42068,ballinbitch haha im not that ballin i still got bill to paaaaay,Normal +43801,amsterdamant unfortunately i didn t dream about shoe,Normal +3990,( uptwt cebi )..It is 02:30 UTC now,Normal +31036,you had pizza for lunch.,Normal +44408,wish twitter had a translator twitter just hasn t caught on in the southern hemisphere yet they ll get there aventually i guess,Normal +32443,a blind date doesn't mean that she is blind!,Normal +938,InshaAllah,Normal +32743,you need to get a lot of lessons when you're really young.,Normal +3420,If a shy clown belongs to a fandom,Normal +30680,did you even bother to go to school today?,Normal +43179,back at work have to go to zeist in a minute but want to stay here to do some work,Normal +43579,really wish i could see eddie izzard on tour damn the stupid expensive ticket cake or death,Normal +4563,"Please, Jun codet come alone to the grid ww, you know, I'm really spoiled asking to be picked up '”",Normal +31532,did you buy the converter?,Normal +5658,Finally got a day off,Normal +4960,"There is no limit for the performance, is there a prev or is there another group stage, No limit??",Normal +33896,and then will she look normal again?,Normal +33179,so what's the problem?,Normal +2995,F seba,Normal +2929,please don't lose,Normal +28658,I ask out of hope that someone will understand the situation. Its temporary but greatly needed right now/ Thanks guys ! 85301 prime pantry- ,Normal +737,"wedding teaser concept using the song day6 - only, sounds good ga siiih",Normal +3731,company name : mirae hoshiho aka future Hoshi and mashiho :D avvvvvv,Normal +36536,"@judyk113 Yeah, we're going to have neither, but it's all good. Hope you do.",Normal +31932,that's for sure.,Normal +2274,accompany me like that dogggg:(.hdhhh,Normal +33499,in case we have visitors.,Normal +3102,Why are most public teachers old?,Normal +32969,i think it depends on the season and on your cabin.,Normal +43323,ha ha ha damn i had such good time chillin wit my favorite hizzo danced my face off the lodge never made it to backbooth,Normal +42966,nightwyrm no not yet,Normal +36139,We wouldn't want them to think we were doing anything immoral.,Normal +43003,i am going to be 0 in a month ugh,Normal +5051,Astaghfirullah I'm haha ​​hihi but still sad bro. ️,Normal +32212,rained out?,Normal +32552,bring me a better steak.,Normal +1784,OH GOD JONGIN HOW IS IT MORE CUTE BESTIE,Normal +36238,"@cherryspoon Don't get upset by it, not worth it Besides if they do that with enough people, their accounts will not be so popular ;-)",Normal +6314,"I'm also worried about getting vaccinated later. That side effect is normal, right? But we haven't had covid yet, and we're already sick. …",Normal +36566,@pinkfrangipani it's take me to the river from sydenee,Normal +43832,honeymunchkin my anger is getting bigger for every minute that go by i got some uglycomments on one of my video,Normal +29637,"I've noticed usually people who have been in the street for a while or traveling around, and managed to avoid frying their brains with drugs or just losing it from the life, have really different opinions and ways of thinking compared to the just homeless sleeping in motels or shelters or cars and often trying to work at the same time. Do you hate other homeless aka ""hobos?"" The people in the tents? Or do you wish to or try to help them? Do you resent the middle and upper classes or do you think they're entitled to what they have?",Normal +33907,you're wearing out your right hand. stop using it so much.,Normal +29305,"I wanted to chalk it up to finances, but our finances weren’t nearly as bad as they had been, so I started thinking that maybe something else was going on. When I finally got the job that I’ve been working towards my entire life, and you got your settlement and the opportunity to do the things you had been talking about doing for your entire life, I began experiencing this odd feeling called “confidence.” Not just having confidence, but being confident. Our situation was finally improving, but our relationship continued to deteriorate. You attempted to exert a level of control over me I had yet to experience (which is saying something). But this time, I resisted.",Normal +31702,did you wipe your feet? ,Normal +1019,Only Monday is the most awaited 🤧,Normal +32973,are you going to travel alone?,Normal +37347,@JonathanRKnight Thank you for inspiring people to check out a great cause that they might not have otherwise known was out there,Normal +44704,the computer might be operational but there still isn t much to do,Normal +6853,"The blue aqua skin sunscreen is actually more fluid than the pink one, isn't it? Just found out if it's liquid like this I swear",Normal +44847,just been given ma marching order got ta go do some work yay,Normal +30866,i'm not being nosey. i'm just asking.,Normal +43205,revising my essay and talking to my hubby on aim,Normal +28562,"Hey, I (m, 18) don't know, what I should do, about my brother. Apart from many different things that are bothering me about him this one is at the moment a big problem, because I often have people here at my house: He doesn't clean the bathroom, which means he doesn't flush the toilet, pees on the ground, leaves sometimes condoms laying around etc. He doesn't listen to my parents or me.",Normal +43784,ow ow ow tummy ache too much candy i never learn,Normal +31120,i'm sleepy.,Normal +27794,"I went on a holiday with my best friend [26M] and husband [26M]. My husband and I have been together for ten years (married for six). My best friend and I have known each other for three years, and spend a huge amount of time chatting with each other on the internet. I love him to death, and he makes me insanely happy. My friend lives decently far away, so we don't see each other often.",Normal +41858,feeling down,Normal +6868,hopefully no limit,Normal +3627,Engene can dm??,Normal +4224,"It's sad that I haven't been active on Twitter for a long time... So sorry everyone. I have a thesis, I'm not ready anymore .. Surely you guys remember yon??",Normal +28386,"Their system is similar to Lego - A one Family house could be build in only 5 days and costs so little that everyone can buy one ( THIS WAS A WOW EFFECT FOR ME ) And it cleans up the environment from all that nasty plastic. I personally LOVE that Idea and think that concepts like this are ( or at least should be) the future of Construction and Real Estate As far as I know, their technology is still open source and they just start business - I can smell great opportunities for Entrepreneurs here! Here is the Link to an article about them on their own Eco -News Platform; for everyone interested into it: ",Normal +3088,"If something is complicated, why should it be simple? If you can already eat buffet, why do you have to prepare hampers already, wkwkwkwk",Normal +41598,kpreyes remember my bum leg strike back this time it serious,Normal +5157,"I like skincare that much, so I'm happy with any brand BA disociolla",Normal +31884,the only thing in my backpack is used books.,Normal +3397,"From here, you can see which ones are true, which are sincere, which are good, if you want it, it's like wearing a mask ""PARASITE"" 🥴🤪",Normal +33479,let's find a house that's at the end of a dead end.,Normal +42776,ordered a pita it nevr came why they say the fax machine broke and the driver left what about my empty belly,Normal +42364,work again,Normal +42400,lost my phone some where maybe in the grass it just so long hope it doesn t rain,Normal +4310,BROOOOOO KIM JIBEOOOMMMMM,Normal +27451,"Thanks to my alma mater 👩‍🎓! I’d like to know Any suggestions from u all on how I might I move on in the healthiest way possible and carry on with only love in my heart for her? How might I bounce back and focus on forming healthier relationships? Any advice or suggestions are appreciated, guys. Sending positive vibes your way 😇",Normal +28896,"Have any of you requested accommodations through your university, and if so, would you be willing to share what's helped/hasn't helped? Thanks! Edit: Thank you SO MUCH to those who have responded! Are there any specific accommodations you asked for that were beneficial? (For instance, for my day job I work in classrooms with kids that have ADHD.",Normal +32518,let me think a minute.,Normal +4852,got ghosting :'(,Normal +42944,just did km on the tready and want to die i m not built for running,Normal +41776,it nemesis,Normal +27675,"They're all things I enjoy doing and don't see as being that big of a deal, but she seems to perceive them as grand gestures. She regularly says that she ""doesn't deserve"" someone as ""perfect"" as me (which yes, she does, she's amazing, and also I'm not even that great, just moderately thoughtful) and has also said that ""because of past experiences, I have trouble liking people who I know like me... I guess it's more rewarding to feel like I've ""earned"" the validation."" In short, it seems like because of her past relationships, she kind of has an unhealthy mentality around 'earning' affection, and definitely has some sort of commitment issues (apparently her last ex said that he didn't really love her for the last year of their relationship, but was too afraid of hurting her to break up with her). All of this makes me ambivalent about broaching the topic of a committed relationship with her because I don't know how she'll react, but at this point we've both admitted we're falling for each other.",Normal +41793,ha 0g of milky bar left and around 00ml of coke,Normal +45271,zenojones i can t go to sleep too much to do too little time long week ahead of me and ok i ll get u hat lol,Normal +1911,Finally the eyes can be closed after taking a small sip of insect repellent. night..,Normal +1573,"monma sorry sas, now my type of flat guy is kang doojoon",Normal +31356,my hard drive crashed.,Normal +36705,"@Overspill Well, can you link me to it anyway???",Normal +31263,i think stamps used to cost a penny.,Normal +42576,jade is looking for a new home http apps facebook com dogbook profile view,Normal +5016,"Later Lebaran will come to your house, yes, don't want to shake hands. Same with the candidate to replace Alberttt :)",Normal +36063,@Cellobella They don't do them in my size How r u?,Normal +32236,"wear a jacket, too.",Normal +41823,thecoolestout ha the sun s already gone,Normal +43873,havent update this in a while bin stuck with my gf during the week now im bk in class learnin,Normal +30967,let's go to the beach.,Normal +30711,"well whatever, i'm glad you came.",Normal +31338,how about some potato chips?,Normal +3474,LANSLSMD FALTAN POCAS HORAS,Normal +29299,The next day I called M and told him what happened. He was furious and talked about breaking up and told me I lied to him and he had trust issues because of his ex girlfriend who attacked him with a knife or hatchet or something. And it was one thing after another like that. Often about things that I didn't think were 'lying'. The next thing I knew I wasn't going out anymore because he'd always get mad for some reason.,Normal +1239,think it's sunday,Normal +44514,donniesbabe well it pishing here sun look like it want to break through hope it dows kid doing my head in,Normal +3163,"Do you think it's polite to ask for guidance when you're close to Eid like this? To be honest, I was told to chat dosbing but I'm so embarrassed that it's not good because I'm going to Eid. The rules for next week are not all gatherings, this week it's really not good",Normal +44935,heidimontag i dont know im in the uk so isn t out here yet so jealous,Normal +1850,It's worth not buying an airpod pro. But already bought. Huwaaa,Normal +37472,@hughsbeautiful me too. It's gonna be awesome. Eeek! One week!,Normal +43408,i want my money from kevo to hurry up,Normal +6022,Yuuri Is Gross,Normal +4016,COMO Q JYP MUR1O AYUDA QUE DICEN,Normal +44013,thinking the short and flip flop may have been a bad idea,Normal +30361,she's probably about five feet.,Normal +1615,only holiday on red date is real,Normal +31568,i bet dad did it all the time when he was my age.,Normal +6979,Dai5y! <3,Normal +42727,gaspitsnicole sigh me too mostly i miss hsnging out with my friend damn growing up p oh yeah i miss being able to spell too lol,Normal +28139,"I was a little confused at what they meant so her husband decided to meet me and talk to me about what was going on. The way that he put it, he was saying that my husband wouldn't get physical from what he could tell, but there are boundaries that he passed. Unfortunately, he couldn't provide any examples because he couldn't remember what was said, but he could remember the feeling that he had, and it was disgust. This was during the holiday season when their company had an influx of new people and they would be gone within a few weeks because the work they do is very physical and not a lot of people can handle it. My friends husband told me and quote, ""There's friendship, there's flirting, which he did but its innocent because everyone flirts, but then there's certain boundaries that you don't say to someone else while being in a commited relationship or marriage with someone else and he was doing that.""",Normal +2377,QUWURUUWUEURREEEEEEEEE,Normal +42585,charleneli disqus now integrates conversation on many platform haven t heard abt j kit,Normal +45289,sitting at my desk eating dinner great thai but a bit of a sad situation overall,Normal +32951,it's a flying zoo!,Normal +44562,morning good mood bad pain lovely day for staying in bed again,Normal +5033,"Soon we will enter Eid al-Fitr, we all have to forgive each other... If you love each other, I'm sure you don't want to.",Normal +4870,having trouble sorting radiohead's best album after kid a - ok computer - in rainbows,Normal +796,Do you dare to apply for a job outside the city? :(,Normal +28396,"I don't think I've ever felt soo intimidated by someone before. I feel like I'm going to melt whenever I'm around him. Although you're thinking, what's the worst that can happen. He rejects you? Previously, I made a stupid attempt to try and hook up with him during one of my ""breaks"" with my boyfriend (we previously broken up for a few months, but got back together during the 3 years together).",Normal +5606,"ask guys pls help me recommend an eyeshadow that is pigmented but cheap, if it can be good for smokey eyes, thank u!",Normal +6494,talkative tenacious,Normal +2113,sleepy,Normal +27981,"At times, he would get stalker-ish, and she would remove him from her contacts. This would infuriate him, and he would create an alternate character to threaten her, saying how he is going to find her, kill her, and tell me about their relationship. Being scared, my wife would add him back, pretend to be friends, only to repeat this cycle over several times over the next few years. Yes, they somehow remained ""friends"" for years after this affair. The next stab came when I was sent to an Air Force base for a 3 month training for my job.",Normal +27462,"These things seem dumb and I swear to God I didn't think they'd work, but a therapist I had told me about them and they actually do work. To stop a feeling of rage: Stand straight with your feet apart. Raise your arms as high as you can above your head, and put your hands together (like people do when they're praying). Stretch as high as you can. Jump and land on the floor, bringing your hands down between your legs, and hold that position for a few seconds.",Normal +3620,"Can your absence be postponed during Eid, the problem is I have class at 7 on Friday ²",Normal +44334,riry is being a pain and nomming on my hand should not have sprayed her with that cat nip mist a a joke now she is craaaazy,Normal +5337,"looking serious since morning, others think because they are doing work. Even though I'm still having back pain + stomach cramps due to menstruation",Normal +45109,fancyelastic would use red onion if we had any chive are abundant at the moment so using them instead lid of sunflower seed is stuck,Normal +3307,"If people have the right not to like or hate what we do, it means that we also have the right to do what we like. As long as it doesn't harm other people.",Normal +42090,nick carter come to the chat just minute please http fanclub backstreetboys com chat php,Normal +31838,go do your homework.,Normal +4587,"Instead of going to school, if you get vitamins, you have to take vitamin B. Aksjbdnddj really weak immune hih",Normal +45149,is in pain after having her brace tightened,Normal +36047,YaY!! Just found out Amy is having a Girl!! LiL Bonita!! Im so excited..now I can go by little girly things for the babes,Normal +31507,how are you going to do that?,Normal +5139,"I've recently been reflecting on the changes I've seen in myself over the past year since I decided to explore mindfulness, bring awareness to my mind, and regularly practice meditation.",Normal +42676,it just make me happy over and over again i wish i wan t afraid to fly http tinyurl com skpp,Normal +30693,why haven't you tried to come see me then?,Normal +4358,"It's okay if you send videos to a large family group, don't worry about me too, I'll be confused about the response",Normal +33681,you mean the measures that will raise our taxes.,Normal +36468,HootSuite monetizing Twitter - shurely shum mishtake? http://ow.ly/2g0Y,Normal +5948,getting sleepy,Normal +30502,"yes, i saw that movie the first day it came out in theaters.",Normal +3552,"Achieving goals is not jumping over the ocean, but walking step by step to the top.",Normal +1958,"/ ss wta how much is the market price for the PC per era, huh? I'm a buyer",Normal +31828,what were you doing?,Normal +29285,"Nothing major, some underage drinking, a little pot, but I wasn't a bad kid. Furthermore, I feel like I matured well and have gone on to be successful for my age (24) IMO. I've also had positive experiences with police. The resource officer at my high school was a really good guy and almost like a mentor to me. When I was 17 I was arrested when police raided a friends house because they were tipped off that there was to be some under-aged drinking.",Normal +6202,babaiðŸ˜ðŸ'‹ðŸ ».again 3days sm jekiðŸ˜ðŸ'‹ðŸ »,Normal +44423,silverlines tadi di pim udah sempet lirik mesra tapi baru abis makan definitely putting it in my agenda next time i go to pim,Normal +42006,pratama same imac came out 0 more in indonesia than the state,Normal +44946,i have no idea how to use twitter no one want to follow me cause i m a bland person,Normal +30425,i haven't heard anything.,Normal +37410,"@Rukaarii Just woken up, very pleased he won. Was it a good match?",Normal +36502,@xdcd What are you saying about yourself,Normal +43484,a lovely day blazing sunshine too bad i have to work,Normal +33744,do you smell that?,Normal +4325,"I'm not in the mood to tweet, sorry",Normal +31382,"bluedog123 is just the street. you have to give me the city, state, and zip code.",Normal +31059,i think it's five miles deep.,Normal +5883,121k one manga🤔,Normal +3463,astronomy //conan gray,Normal +2142,"And when we can accept everything with sincerity, then we will get a quiet life.",Normal +2195,"I was praying that day, compared to the doc, the bakaq was poisoned. I felt like it was overflowing. How can it be fathom there, it feels",Normal +2586,"Look, I'm like a celebrity",Normal +29225,"You will be to, you may be 2 years, 5 years, maybe even longer, from escaping it, but please, just trust me. It can and will get better. You'll get out of it Don't lose sight of the potentially massive amount of time you'll get in happiness and meaning compared to the few years you'll spend in this nightmare. Feel free to dm me if anyone wants to talk. (the reason this is posted on an alt account is by the off chance it gains any traction, I do not want this out for family to potentially see until I've left here.)",Normal +6020,"Engene only, anyone want to be transported to the back up acc?",Normal +5418,The dream has woken up,Normal +3641,wn : I swear I want to bite people –,Normal +5439,"VIU PREMIUM..1 month : 10k.6 month : 17k ..—full warranty, trusted, legal.tag. is there anyone selling we tv which one is selling",Normal +28201,"Hey everyone! I've just started sharing my story on YouTube, and I intend to continue building on this channel with more information about cult awareness, recovery, etc. I think it's really important for survivors like myself to be the ones spearheading cult education, instead of continuing to allow cults to be misrepresented and sensationalized in media. Please watch & subscribe! Your support is deeply appreciated \^\_\^",Normal +6780,"YES TOMORROW THERE'S A PINK DRESSCODE EVENT, BUT I DID NOT HAVE A PINK CLOTH",Normal +32335,a travel show follows another travel show.,Normal +33391,"i mean, someone used their dirty hands to pick the bananas, the apples, and the oranges.",Normal +5776,I mean I'm so dizzy,Normal +29704,"She then decided to go to a party without me and said ""I would cancel my plans to see you, but you won't do the same for me. All you do is push me away and act like a complete asshole."" even though she was the one who left. I told her I didn't want to see her tonight after she tried to bait me into going over to her house. She was telling me I'm an asshole and the cause of all of her sadness, why would I want to go there?",Normal +30225,"i like winter too, but sometimes it gets too cold.",Normal +5463,good morning world😻,Normal +32582,"well, the tables and chairs look okay.",Normal +45273,wa playing around putting in random twitter usernames so many wasted blank,Normal +4840,What is this strange feeling that makes you short of breath,Normal +43076,best monday ever missed gossip girl oh well spent time with bff today wonderful night xoxo,Normal +32954,good for him.,Normal +739,sender my sc on weird😫,Normal +30659,of course. did you?,Normal +6883,"Mommy sad mom :""(",Normal +43999,goulandris email provider,Normal +3672,"told to take a queue number, but the customer queue number was not called. still serving the needs of the school. customers who want to take money, save, etc., are expected to queue until the office is quiet... hmmm",Normal +33303,i guess he has to be very careful about what he eats.,Normal +44093,wakey wakey i m bored my dog is annoying he weight 0 pound and doesn t want to come off of my knee,Normal +35909,"@jrkgirlnla Oh yes, I was reading that one",Normal +1620,"I just realized that yesterday I haven't eaten at all all day! Just drinking water with Milo, I'm so busy taking care of my merchandise .. Well, like this, I've always been used to holding back hunger, so it's like fasting/tirakat that wasn't intentional wkwkw",Normal +28732,What do you think would happen if you invited an individual with mental health issues who had been homeless for many years to move directly from the street into housing? Loyd Pendleton shares how he went from skeptic to believer in the Housing First approach to homelessness -- providing the displaced with short-term assistance to find permanent housing quickly and without conditions -- and how it led to a 91 percent reduction in chronic homelessness over a ten-year period in Utah. ,Normal +37027,@djroxc Welcome to Twitter!!,Normal +41818,ridley 0 i agree the shapeshifting is a copout i wa so excited for angela s ep i thought it wa this week noah wa awesome tho,Normal +4763,"Don't make yesterday's failure a barrier today. Passion to make tomorrow better, through today.",Normal +4231,"Let's be enthusiastic about work (typing while lying down, waking up, haven't had time to drool yet)",Normal +42326,aaaaand back to my literature review at least i have a friendly cup of coffee to keep me company,Normal +29352,"  This piece of art I’ve used is a perfect example of how having solid boundaries can help me weather any storm. I know I’m going to get kicked, I know I’m going to be in pain but I also see the beauty in between the clouds. This is a painting I did freezing in the hail and storm on the rocks of Alloutte Lake. The waves crashed, the mist covered the mountains but every now and then brilliant colour would flash.",Normal +29359,"all the sudden all the hate turned against me again (happened often before). She yelled out, whining for her dad, who she called. i stayed calm but was totally clueless about what to do. she started breaking up with me, telling me that she will spent the night at a hotel or somewhere on the street. i shouldnt come visit her at the hospital next week ... blackmailing me basically.",Normal +5973,KKKKKKKKKKKKSERIO,Normal +4038,"Don't have guests, it's better to be at home alone",Normal +32816,those books will slip and you'll fall.,Normal +43105,these guy who is bill gate s associate make me feel like i know nothing i don t even know my name now,Normal +33201,"well, you're supposed to be working.",Normal +1443,VERY PROUD OF ME HUHUUDUSUUDUSYS,Normal +43920,turn out there had been earthquake warning in italy and they were ignored http bit ly dvyg,Normal +28236,"Our sense of humor is very similar.. She's gorgeous, funny, smart, and likes some of the same things I do.. She's wifey material.. The way she loves on her dogs and cares for them makes me think she'd make a good mom 8-10 yrs from now. These are some of the biggest reasons I see myself with her. **tl;dr**: Off-and-on heterosexual relationship since we were in high school. She met me and cheated on her highschool BF.",Normal +32842,"if they are all outside, then what?",Normal +43123,damn my pc ha completely given out this suck,Normal +37429,@andreascliment It's a nice piece of software indeed,Normal +4696,"Oh, now it's Monday, wow, just because it's a holiday",Normal +32484,he's a dirty old man.,Normal +44904,winetweat sorry but follow u we re going to publish picture and video and sometimes also in english,Normal +28676,"* Be 18 years of age and older * Have used a mobile device before. Take the opportunity to learn about health wellness applications, including Headspace, Calm, 7 Cups, and Happify. Attitudes and usability of such applications are not well researched. This study will expand the scientific knowledge about health consumer perceptions towards these wellness applications.",Normal +6826,why i see jungwon looks like ari irham,Normal +30331,i was thinking about seeing a movie.,Normal +31895,i'm taking a math course in school.,Normal +32391,that sounds great.,Normal +2744,1st place for motivation and encouraging people. But loving yourself is not good enough. I:),Normal +30987,"yes, it was.",Normal +1387,Oiyaaa vlive at 3 o'clock huh?,Normal +31425,i have only a few friends.,Normal +31420,of course. i have lots of best friends.,Normal +32936,"no, i'm not. it's march. time is running out. seats are selling out right now.",Normal +43102,darylsws kid are on holiday,Normal +27660,At most I've explained the aforementioned to people who needed to hear it for various reasons (e.g. my advisor). It's also not something I was ready to take on because... Damn... So many people have it worse than I do.,Normal +43567,mileycyrus i guess counting sheep didn t work hope you get some sleep,Normal +5243,"If you are..angry with one person's slanted comments,..you are not ready to be..admired by a million.. people",Normal +32385,thank you.,Normal +1332,"I miss feeling the atmosphere while walking around, there are people selling lemang at the edge of the road """,Normal +42981,i m not there is on hbo in 0 minute got excited then remembered i should get some sleep tonight and why is it not on again soon sad,Normal +6636,"rabi o rapapa but waiting for me to graduate or go to college offline really, ben my spirit of study is not messyðŸ™",Normal +28398,"(God bless.) He was very caring at a first glance, but as the relationship went on I started discovering deeper things about him. Please be understanding that at the time I dated this guy I was around 14 or 15. He got off to IRL gore. You may think, well that's weird, but that's not the abusive part.",Normal +36415,"@mcherrywv pleasant is right thank u V8 ppl, ur the best!!!",Normal +2157,My lips are bleeding from the mouth,Normal +43117,sad to hear about the discovery of the little girl from tracy her poor family,Normal +41725,charlietm i know right i dunno what is going on with twitter,Normal +5931,"I complain about the burden of life. My friend even said; thank you very much bro, not everyone can live like you. ..Ookaayyyyy, but what do you have to be grateful for?",Normal +41763,aaaaand the nausea is back,Normal +6623,"Just noticed that the road tax died in 6 months. If you want to renew yourself, how do you do it?",Normal +2030,Why do ideas have to come at bedtime?,Normal +31391,you mean i will smell the food cooking?,Normal +33175,everybody buys stock.,Normal +36893,,Normal +2169,"AFK FOR A LIFE, THERE'S A JAPANESE LANGUAGE EXAMINATION. COULD FORGET #DIE",Normal +4548,is colorblind q naman putah,Normal +32423,because they always do.,Normal +33638,only if my candidate wins.,Normal +31967,why do you say that?,Normal +815,army/blink let's mutualan other fandom too come on gasss !!!.help rt/like thanks,Normal +5390,como que jyp ripeo,Normal +5865,ZvM5U6tX '©â€ â †'‹â€ '© j9âƒ'pletquugð ppðŸ'¨â€ â †'‹â€ '¨g2uUnkð yðŸ'©â€ â †'‹â€ '©4ðŸ ó ó ó ·ó ó ó k&bðŸ'Œ f xx2fr4fâƒ'🙇🠿 skâƒ'dgr🧠»â€ ♀ï¸,Normal +42176,david henrie i cant find it it say dtmafiaofficial doesnt exist there s jus dtmafia i found n u dun seem to b followin it wht to do,Normal +2682,Allah knows you are strong that's why the test is hard,Normal +6420,[RETWEET] if you are biased naeun,Normal +37076,@DarynKagan good afternoon from my part of world - Abu Dhabi (+4.00 GMT),Normal +5823,Gayoon 2nd in SM 9 Best Singer Contest. #fact4Minute,Normal +45101,dat some fast internet we ll probably be stuck with that 0 though http digg com d o kd,Normal +43039,too much traffic on the a can t wait till all 0 lane are ready 0 0,Normal +1266,"If you want a good-looking partner but don't know your own face, you're as skinny as Japan, are you worried when you're black?",Normal +4518,"I've been given an exam schedule, okay?©",Normal +2147,"Until now, I haven't read the dictation, so I'm confused",Normal +32535,i've been coming here for years.,Normal +41591,hey i actually won one of my bracket pool too bad it wasn t the one for money,Normal +1306,I want to have turmeric fried cuttlefish. Is there a special recipe?,Normal +27574,"Post-text: don't bother with this part that's crossed out, I wasn't thinking clearly. Not that you should bother with the later parts, either. I don't know. Post-Post-Text: I deleted this from my main account and am re-posting it on an alt because it made me nervous having this connected to myself. Sorry.",Normal +2990,ni-ki brilliant,Normal +41877,saw an ad on craigslist for a casting call for a female host on g i wa totally psyched but realized it wa a hoax,Normal +3341,"Hang me like this. I'm doc mamai again, I've had to face a basic question. If you hang asking the question, you can't do it because you can't do it, and you can't even settle it when you ask someone else. Okay, I'm accepted. Siye laaaa",Normal +45174,i need something big to happen,Normal +28220,"I didn't have time to text a lot like I used to, and certainly couldn't realistically plan trips to see her anymore. She was plainly unhappy with me for not being as communicative anymore, but things really came to a head when I began dating someone. Lisa was the only person in my inner circle of friends to have a poor reaction when I told her I was dating another woman, which was shocking to me because I trusted her, and because she often used social media to convey her allyship with the LGBT community. She often told me that as soon as I met my gf, I quit talking to her (Lisa). As my relationship with my gf became more serious, Lisa and I became even more distant from each other, and she would often ignore my texts or emails (neither of us were ever much for talking on the phone).",Normal +44274,currently wishing i could have more of the treacle sponge and custard that louise made me last night while watching order of the phoenix,Normal +31119,why are you yawning?,Normal +33173,what did you do?,Normal +41787,riancurtis i m here friend and i love you,Normal +42881,wow i got sick out of nowhere and now i cant think straight and mtv hasnt posted the hill online wtf,Normal +1500,/beauty/ does anyone use nvtrishe serum or not?? Review dong,Normal +3326,"Unfortunately, the live didn't have time to save because it ended by itself 😂 2 hours or more I didn't live feeling the feeling was cracked, with 3 members 4 people supported until the live ended",Normal +36228,@Shmerkle I went with CSI as my episode 3 of Dollhouse needed redownloading! Once that's done I can watch that then the rest,Normal +4639,"I don't know if I'm bored of chatting, if you want to call, it's okay, I'll pick up",Normal +33103,of course.,Normal +5049,"Alright, that's enough to annoy you guys",Normal +4944,Order via dm or whatsapp. jan is shy,Normal +42594,morning all starving and dying for a cuppa but can t co off to doc for fasting blood test in a little while,Normal +37452,@squishynoms you did not get mumps so thankfully my life is spared WOOP,Normal +5232,JUST AWARE NOW DATE 10,Normal +31983,"yes, and it takes about five minutes each time.",Normal +27614,"406.449.9670 NEW MEXICO: all counties. 505.298.7206 x200 NEW YORK: Bronx, Kings, Nassau, New York (Manhattan), Queens, Richmond, Suffolk counties ONLY. 212.598.9000",Normal +45038,been sent to the naughty boy corner in work http twitpic com y s,Normal +43890,doing some architectural modeling for a change now going smooth so far intuos m is looking very tempting can t get one yet,Normal +41574,sleep soon i just hate saying bye and see you tomorrow for the night,Normal +3752,"W b3den ana zh2ana dlwatyy, hat3mlo eh 3l ftar bokra?",Normal +32599,maybe they'll give us free drinks for waiting so long.,Normal +5146,"It's not about being strong or pretending to be strong, but when we are at our toughest point, we will definitely shed tears too.""",Normal +2257,"I miss you so much, I just dream about it, I'm looking for it",Normal +32773,"yes, there is.",Normal +43197,smaffulli correction they don t tell you but a cert is there how you can use it is a different matter and without win yet another,Normal +848,Laaah I just realized that I'm alone at home,Normal +42201,dananner aw sorry to hear that,Normal +41774,huntermoore i don t want him to ever punch me,Normal +4783,want to have zhongli too,Normal +2343,emotion? ?! emotion. . emotion ?? HARU ♡ ... *! haru....... ☆ !! emotion!! ?! <3 haru !!¿ ☆ ' HAru ' ♡ ! > 0 < !! ♡ «®â‚ á·„ . á·… ₎რHAARUU!!! ♡ !! > haru < !! ♡ emotional ! ❤,Normal +45248,revjesse ahahah if only it were hot enough i want to work elsewhere like stacking shelf in some grotty shop,Normal +27939,This is just a vent. Thanks to anyone who reads this. Wish me luck with this new lady. She is also a yoga instructor. Maybe she will be good.,Normal +31690,wasn't there anything about octo-mom?,Normal +1782,"Listening to fengding, even onmic asw",Normal +42225,is going to have a late one at mqu today,Normal +43780,moony 9 omg i can t believe this i want to cry freaking fb spoiled me how could this happen,Normal +4442,daeyeol ssengsuda next ☺,Normal +43631,in a taxi on the way to get pizza bad traffic and headache worst,Normal +5308,"Tomorrow tomorrow, I'll tell you to fix the generator and the electric guard",Normal +44894,bradiewebbstack sway sway tour in julyyyyy exitedd muchh follow me pleaseeee i need more followers,Normal +37407,RT @akiresaur: Learn the art of being alone and being happy at the same time.,Normal +32763,doesn't crime cost more than police?,Normal +42332,cant sleep she want to dream,Normal +1537,"* What kind of anime jpf is very emotional, eh esmonic, emotional, emotional. EMOTIONAL!!!!",Normal +3520,"hi, looking for mutuals to create hype gg! wizone, ketchy, linus, once, daileee, swith, lightsum stan freepass. so what are you waiting for? let's mutualan gaskeeeeun!! help rt/like, thanks... rep if you want fb ;)",Normal +33582,"voting is so important, but people don't bother.",Normal +41507,octolinz it it count idk why i did either you never talk to me anymore,Normal +6195,"â let's be mutual with gamora's father, cung",Normal +3118,"I'm so sorry for the old lady :( then it's good again to explain. Cheer up, madam, I wish you the best",Normal +41703,twista 0 i think i want to read some book but the library doesn t have them,Normal +1674,"Delivery is again overloaded, where the package has not arrived at the drop point.",Normal +6917,ya Allah get well.,Normal +43688,breonna why not saturday,Normal +3775,Find mutuals,Normal +42695,watko shockingly not,Normal +43025,or so i thought,Normal +6229,Complaining about spotty but still staying up late,Normal +33715,i need to type to make money.,Normal +6863,Eid is coming soon~,Normal +36388,@michaelgrainger @Scyranth *gigglessssssss* Ya'll are awesomesauce,Normal +6936,moots if you check pinned bolee?? I need an opinion hehe,Normal +6860,bad mode â . raya mode ✅,Normal +2891,Bismilahi Rahamani Rahim,Normal +4540,"wake up, have a meeting. I'm a bit surprised, it's pretty good where did you oversleep, I was called by my office friends",Normal +1469,"Hi, how are you mentally today?",Normal +41714,david henrie thats people mag haha i couldnt fit it all in i dont think those picture ever made it in the magazine tho haha,Normal +2625,different is a choice,Normal +3100,Si Kang Ha Na is clearly very upset w,Normal +43099,i dont want to go to school tomorrow for an exam after having one and a half week off,Normal +43986,jlsofficial a photoshoot eyy im sure you will all look hot come back to brighton say hellooo to the boy love you load xxxxxx,Normal +2876,"It turns out that everyone is quietly asking the same thing, but don't you dare ask me",Normal +43716,slept badly still feel like hell but maybe not a bad a yesterday why am i always ill when i take time off work,Normal +5115,Want to have a life partner? Fall in love. But after that wake up love... #Playboygalau,Normal +43526,school work boring working on a business law paper right now can t wait till i m done hopefully tomorrow grrrr,Normal +42525,travian total cost of the atk for the aggressor 0 resource all said and done i m guessing he s not going to let that slide,Normal +45366,ufffffffffffffffff ke gorom need to a pond to swim,Normal +5729,"Cr! Is the CV required to use a photo or not? Sometimes I'm afraid that if we don't get an interview, we'll continue to be marked like that by the office people. Maybe not? :(",Normal +27629,"Asked for a little extension. She won’t provide it. I should be able to graduate in December. My academic counselor is looking to help me graduate around some of the program, so I hate to bring my concerns up higher or file with disability. My trauma therapist wants me to advocate higher up.",Normal +43537,sianllewellyn ive txt you this morning,Normal +28718,"He and I have been pretty ""huggy"" the last couple years, and since he scared me I cut all physical contact off completely. He didn't try to initiate it today even though we won't be seeing each other for several weeks, so that's something. I don't plan on allowing any of it for the forseeable future - maybe unless I feel like he's really learned something or changed somehow. I don't plan on staying the night at his place or letting him stay at mine. Probably will limit our contact to public or ""other people present"" for the most part.",Normal +2564,d donde salio lo d jyp?,Normal +36845,@mileycyrus yess I do ! and im in boston for a college fair and not school hahaa,Normal +4949,everything will be very valuable when it's not ours anymore..#experiencesimbah,Normal +1078,"When I was in low school (1990-1995) I brought only rm0.50 in the morning for school fees. KAFA class period brings rm0.20. During high school, bring RM1. ..You all contemporaries with me used to bring how much RM to school? ..Sweet memories of hard life..",Normal +42712,feel like cry that s how sick i feel,Normal +44474,fucking boredom make me wan na go have a smoke,Normal +31336,"oh, yes, here it is. do you want a sandwich?",Normal +2270,"Wow, I want to have a fever, eh hais",Normal +28364,"As you can imagine, people are not so charitable in this city, but you'd be surprised, people can be generous with what they let slide, its easier than depending on pure charity. At best with this method, you will find a series of short term places, and you will probably get into at least 1 sketchy situation, so always protect yourself and have a way out. If you haven't already, hit up the DPSS. It will take an entire day, but if you tell them you're homeless, they will give you an EBT card that day. It will literally take being homeless and penniless to be eligible for GR--cash relief, or at least that is what it took for me, but within a week or 2 after attending a GROW meeting, you should be eligible for something like 230$ in cash aid.",Normal +1986,Oh.. denied by pledis,Normal +44737,that wa it folk spring s gone and winter is back it s snowing outside,Normal +5296,I like you with taste not with words. -Kagome (Inuyasha),Normal +29123,"A nasty one. Once it cleared up in a while I decided to take his advice and find a ride to brunswick. I asked around and the last person I asked said he was headed that way and I could join him and his wife, provided I showed some ID, I look younger than I am, so he assumed I was a runaway. When I rode to Brunswick he preached to me about God and told me he was from Florida. Another storm approached.",Normal +42977,choclatdrop 0 he s not paying me any attn,Normal +36203,phone againn,Normal +44223,dev dsp hrm your last two post make it sound like i m holding you back,Normal +6236,"wrong sleep, I'm so dizzy",Normal +41765,spent hour to reach to axis bank only to find out today is holiday for mahavir jayanti contd,Normal +1887,"Trying to experiment again.. if you deact red account, it will be green or not ”",Normal +44882,fromthestars i wan na go to an amusement park ek is getting tired,Normal +43177,when you read my update blogspot bulletin on myspace etc you could just figure it out on your own i don t care,Normal +43344,didnt hear from my hunn today,Normal +27428,"After college for about 2 years, I focused on my career and wasn't totally putting myself out there. Now, for the last year, I've actively put myself in the dating pool. It never seemed appealing to hang around in clubs or bars to hopefully pick someone up, so I've mostly stuck to online dating. I was mostly pretty casually looking, and would go on there when the mood struck me or I was speaking to someone I saw potential with. Over the course of the last about 2.5 months, I've been on 3 dates.",Normal +30132,"I’ve started unearthing old albums; I’ve gone back to practising the drums regularly; I’ve been watching more movies and reading more books. Weirdly enough, I feel more in touch with the world. And what now? Will I continue along the road of abstinence? I don’t see any reason to jump off the wagon at this stage.",Normal +44192,yummy pizza for dinner top of mouth burnt now though,Normal +32309,every easter sunday he gives away money.,Normal +31085,ha! we're not funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.,Normal +5884,"Friends who chat only want to flex. It's good to serve it too. But Dese is really good, sister..why so julid anyway",Normal +6323,"What the hell?! I just got back to twt, I just got news that the pre-order dream is 1.7M?!?!?! Kamu bercanda yah?! How cool is that?!?!",Normal +42467,sorry for the next tweet,Normal +42915,marlonjenglish,Normal +4524,clean bookmarks ach,Normal +45078,the nowhere land not 00 sick but definately not healthy either,Normal +33456,"the kids love the house, too.",Normal +42390,featherinair call me back,Normal +5962,Life will never get easier...But..you should be stronger.,Normal +36314,"My band director just said "As King Julian would say, don't play like pansies!" LOL",Normal +3922,"look at the photo when my cheeks are still big, how come it's funny, it's not like that, it's not like that, it's bociill woyyyy wkwkwkwkwk.",Normal +43937,good morning i m off to the hospital with my dad to spend basically all day in the waiting room just for a two minute app fun fun fun,Normal +32025,i parked it right here.,Normal +44985,francesdath not bad transitioning being visited by many globe wandering gypsy queer at the moment but you are missing,Normal +31494,why is that?,Normal +3804,"Hi guys, my shop starts to open at 4:00 pm so online orders start from 4:00 pm until 10:00 pm. Can whatsapp / dm me on ig or 7scarves for more 😊. Can dm early so I don't miss it!!",Normal +1523,na! how much is the market for the pisi mark cherry bomb?,Normal +31452,let me help you.,Normal +4636,pota sa inettt,Normal +5654,"DOGGGGGGG. PLS PLS PLS ALREADY HAVE 7 YEARS OF OLD CRUSH, AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE MUJI & LIKE MY PHOTOS. ..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG WHY YES.",Normal +3005,"oh, dream is really cool!",Normal +5138,O Allah.. No one can stop what you want to give.. and.. No one can give what you want to block.,Normal +44448,rhinecruise09 you re absolutely right,Normal +1827,Did tika succeed not being tempted by po in this cb...,Normal +5939,renjun pogi,Normal +29134,No one's story is less than another. I am looking to reach out to those who have no hope to show them that even though so many people have gone through awful things they are still here! If you're not comfortable appearing in a video audio can be submitted. Or the story can be typed out to share on the additional blog I will create. I don't want anyone to feel pressured it's only if you're comfortable.,Normal +6456,"I believe, tomorrow is no longer allowed to change what is happening today SUMUT tourism",Normal +45108,chrisgedrim that s it we re over,Normal +31736,what did you do?,Normal +30936,"i don't have a girlfriend, either.",Normal +43233,isnt feelin 00 day,Normal +28555,"**Tl;dr: Thinking my 2 friends who broke-up are soulmates but may be both heading for a second-best option. ** Very long post, please read only if you are interested in complicated realtionships and take it maybe as a short novel. I have 2 friends who got together when 19, they were inseparable, instant soulmates, I know they imagined their whole life together almost immediately, never even thinking they can break-up. For 10 years, they were the best couple I know, not fighting, respecting each other greatly and having a ""higher"" connection.",Normal +31266,now a stamp is 42 cents.,Normal +31016,you should stop drinking coffee.,Normal +43248,yay hannah montana on disney channel fun not,Normal +30490,did you always know how to draw and paint?,Normal +1916,"I want to rename inop first, inopcups looks like necstar gasieeee£ðŸ˜£",Normal +6089,So I want a full set home kit,Normal +36140,A tweet tweet here and a tweet tweet there! Goodniiiight!!,Normal +5250,"genebuy?.. per LD an.. anyone, what era, what version",Normal +30985,she said she didn't love me anymore.,Normal +1140,Mask people,Normal +1892,Eh.. When was the last time [BP] came to MAMA?,Normal +43756,stompthewalrus haha well i have lived in texas the past year i think that explains itself lol si habla espaool,Normal +42537,i hate tuesday,Normal +41824,day a lot harder than day let s see how day go tomorrow,Normal +942,I should have wake up early today bro. Tomorrow is a playing day.,Normal +30588,"no, thanks, maybe another time.",Normal +37454,Messi is tired.,Normal +6888,I swear all kinds of shit,Normal +30188,i've been great. what about you?,Normal +1738,"If there is a young man with an uneasy expression on his face and feelings, it is certain that he might be a student",Normal +5452,"Nabilah likes science, art, religion, English lessons #NabilahFacts",Normal +29160,"Made her feel shitty. I understand. When my grandma was dying of Cancer, she kept forcing my grandma to undergo procedures and more chemo because she didn't want to lose her mother. Nevermind that wasn't my grandma's wishes and a slow all of her siblings were getting to the point of not wanting to subjected her to further treatments and just let her go, but not my mom. It's all about her.",Normal +37495,want to kill her.,Normal +30695,doing what?,Normal +5431,"Wow, haven't had time to read the dict©",Normal +30910,i'll call you so we can set that up.,Normal +5864,It's good to see rendang lung when it's cooked,Normal +1553,"Beyb, what's the difference between a special verif and a verif? I want to try it. TIA! ♡",Normal +45294,that overnight screwed up my sleep,Normal +42146,stephenkruiser i am so sorry to hear that take care,Normal +4393,"oh my god, I really feel inferior...",Normal +42082,came home from cross county tired a,Normal +4430,"It's been a long time I haven't had acne, once it comes out symmetrical on the forehead",Normal +42370,played another hand very bad and lost half my stack,Normal +43186,again with the fucked sleep ive decided to go do homework instead,Normal +36957,@LaraRhiannon http://twitpic.com/2ybtf - Thats just the brilliance of Tim coming out ..,Normal +6390,Kajja VINCENZO PUBG MOM IS COMING YAY,Normal +42835,just got back from the hospital bf s nephew might have meningitis,Normal +5600,/beauty/ What are you doing with acne? I've compressed it with avoskin mrt but the head doesn't show up,Normal +41713,donniewahlberg i hope i can make it to the auburn show but it not looking good for me,Normal +44793,wonginator i wish i wa on spring break,Normal +4048,Bismillah all success,Normal +36959,"RT @TigrisSafaris: The Indian Roller, a bird considered auspicious in India. #IncredibleIndia #TigrisSafaris #photooftheday #wildlifephoto",Normal +1726,Hope all is well,Normal +3134,is it safe to log out?,Normal +1369,"When Herjunot Ali said....""I've had one chance. I've held on tight and don't want to let go.. butiiiiii when God says 'LEPAS', it will be released"" ‚",Normal +2805,Immediately not sunny my Monday ',Normal +45205,sonnyjoeflangan oh awesome shit i missed it,Normal +30745,i was told about it already. i'm just waiting for my invitation.,Normal +3407,the first one still sucks if you continue the previous plot,Normal +1857,"At the age of 25, I am still strong in living my life with all its problems. Thank God",Normal +44560,pinkiecharm sorry you musta got a bit sick of my dance tweet sorry to have you unfollow me,Normal +37002,sbux is exclusively playing rostam and beck i am loving it,Normal +44880,i just set up a twitter profile for one of my colleague and noticed he s got a much more swish sidebar how do i get that,Normal +33218,i usually eat a simple salad.,Normal +36284,I'm attempting to make Hot Cross Buns with Bella & Ari,Normal +4365,"Put full trust that humans are actually the simplest art for suffering, already born with treason - anonymous",Normal +44499,shannanstedman haha i got to be up at and sit through a hr mass umm like ish is that alright is that too late,Normal +44807,amber i don t know how often you check this but i really miss you right now like really really so friggen much i want a hug lt beth gt,Normal +33761,your nose is stopped up?,Normal +30618,it's no trouble at all.,Normal +6646,"If someone has presented the same material as me and it's really good, it's very insecure because it won't meet the expectations of the lecturer. The lecturer has set the bar that high, I can't reach it",Normal +33015,why is that?,Normal +43704,mstyrac lol yea i thought about tht sowey but thnx i have some rod one sitting around quot orange my fav color just didn t kno how use,Normal +44579,karen 0 more shopping sound like a terrible plan hope you are not dragging your brother with you this time p,Normal +6054,My twtan is sinking how is this ekw,Normal +5579,penis 8154178,Normal +37586,@coy0te Sure! But would i be a rebel for not waiting til Follow Friday? haha,Normal +30694,i've been really busy.,Normal +2874,"When the market folds, then there are ""traders""",Normal +3665,"There are others who protest: why the contents hamper all the food? Do you eat? It's a shame to waste it. There are those who have a problem with the packaging being trash. It's complicated, the human head …",Normal +37136,He is not tired.,Normal +6907,CM Q SE MURIO JYP JODEME,Normal +36304,hey guys at home watching telly,Normal +28235,Most of the residents in San Andres are elderly farmers who depend on the bus to travel to the main market in Oaxaca to sell their produce. I am worried seeing the people depend on taxis who are known to scam farmers out of their hard-earned money. The Go Fund Me page is And there is a Facebook page set up too: ,Normal +43842,ha nothing to contribute to a discussion of angel and airwave v blink,Normal +42466,in biology class my lip hurt,Normal +43085,i am awake now because of twitter i wa just dozing off,Normal +5393,"If you don't have holidays, you might be busy with lessons or competitions ²",Normal +43746,day leave then easter no work for a week except for the long list of diy job to do at home,Normal +805,"Mutual Skuy. All Fandom, Sabi lah!! Help Rt/like yaa",Normal +42528,octopuseatspie i got the i can ha chezburger book from the lobo and you are not here to look at it wif me,Normal +3982,"Why do I look so calm when I take a photo, even though I'm not really calm ”",Normal +30579,it must've been a close game.,Normal +32252,tv news is so stupid.,Normal +2473,EMPATIA....!!!,Normal +30798,"nothing, how about you?",Normal +6506,"Anyone want me to tag those like fb rt deals? Want to be random, afraid to feel uncomfortable... Just rep, ok?",Normal +42353,kameelahwrites lt codez they ve been mia tho,Normal +42287,went to ihop again great for a diet at least there were no kung foo pancake this time rachel,Normal +4075,"I want to get THR this year from my uncle, aunt and grandmother just like when I was young but what can I do, when the THR is distributed there must be a language ""you don't have to, you've grown up"" even though the bigger we are, the more we need THR",Normal +6214,"KENJAKU COVER???, ?@ ?@ ?,#",Normal +2166,Ade belon on profile,Normal +33433,"yes, but they seem to have legs.",Normal +2371,I'm asking for advice on what weapon BP should I take :( I guess I won't take the bow or catalyst because I've never played with that chara-- eh stuck on venti but even then there's a stringless r3. The melee one has taken it all btw,Normal +44746,andre riue on neighbour what ha the world come to internet down lol,Normal +43171,seaf 009 i am strongly considering improvising i missed last year i wa so sick,Normal +1558,i love ni-ki,Normal +32100,"$1,000.",Normal +5849,Can't find it.. it looks like it's from the front shop,Normal +30679,"so, will you be at school tomorrow?",Normal +1550,Where are my glasses?,Normal +45256,glue not coming off it is sooo irritating,Normal +886,Oh it turns out to be a lock wkwkwk ™ˆ,Normal +30838,i'll definitely try to make it the next time.,Normal +1727,"This time, just lie down at the camping site until it opens",Normal +37469,"@MissGC : Yeah, I've seen his reply. Congrats, Dear! You must be very happy!",Normal +43646,sloth isliye call nahi kiya baad me thinking ki ab to tu movie dekh raha hoga,Normal +33115,"if you got laid off, you'd be flipping hamburgers, too.",Normal +33611,but think about all the power you'd have.,Normal +3069,"It's not long before the rebellious people don't understand covid, not covid",Normal +32176,why is that?,Normal +43269,morning everyone still feeling poorly hope u all have a good day x,Normal +5787,Imagine Ningning's red hair and then the wind blows her hair,Normal +2692,I swear I'm really big with people like that,Normal +6785,como q ripeo jyp al fin AHRE,Normal +6403,Life ends when you stop dreaming. Hope is lost when you stop believing. And love fail when you stop caring.,Normal +45276,nbcnews reporting pres chief econ guy summer is loaded with wall street money mil from a hedgefund from bank that were bailed out,Normal +32500,she laughed! she didn't believe me.,Normal +33553,berries aren't in season all year round.,Normal +45150,is at work x,Normal +33770,i want to get a tan. i don't want to look so pale.,Normal +33876,my ear is killing me.,Normal +45198,sore throat please god don t make me sick sleep time night all x,Normal +3038,"It's all right, Al, cak, Gina's clarity, want to take the trouble... Your mom is good at telling me so that Al learns how to act first.",Normal +43317,dad wa admitted to hospital yesterday so want to fly to cape town to visit r 900 for monday return ticket on kulula,Normal +44346,lissie sorry just saw the post signed up even before i finished reading lol these guy are gold feel bad for those who paid 00,Normal +6531,"In life, you must dare to make decisions about what is worth fighting for and what is not worth fixing.",Normal +33026,that's very nice.,Normal +37310,@JamFactory and such a beautiful (if typically Mac'y) web site too,Normal +33685,"don't believe him! whatever the tv ads tell you, the opposite is true.",Normal +33684,i like the one where the fireman tells us why we should vote yes.,Normal +3934,Wegah muleh bengii me,Normal +5286,"Jupentiniiii i lopyu somach, jupentiniiii keep the spirit. Wqwqwqwqwqwq £ðŸ˜œ .#JuveMilan #ForzaMilan #SempreMilan..Forza Milan!!! 'ªðŸ ”´âš«",Normal +42071,carlyw haha i cried i guess he did,Normal +30238,i wish it was a nicer day today.,Normal +31533,"no, i don't need a converter because i bought a digital tv.",Normal +4488,"Btw, if you are pregnant, can you have sex or not?",Normal +42941,back work had a bad start of day almost falling down the stair not enjoying work yet,Normal +30734,"i've heard about it, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.",Normal +33029,"that was a great trip to washington, d.c.",Normal +45047,my phone is broke too bad i could have been sending you exciting tweet today on how the city election are going election judge day,Normal +42431,rumlover an empty rum barrel is a sad rum barrel shake head the horror the horror,Normal +32625,i love baseball.,Normal +33138,"yes, i guess most of us are stuck in a routine.",Normal +2489,ok online lg,Normal +33586,voting is so easy. you can even mail your ballot in.,Normal +1328,"eh, haven't bought an envelope yet, oh my God –..BUTTEREADY ON BBMAS ..I vote for 'BTS' #Dynamite for ( Son Sung Deuk ) for #FaveChoreography at #iHeartAwards",Normal +29407,"Anyway, long story short, he came over, we had a blast, we had dinner, watched a movie, cuddled, and he fell asleep on me. Four nights later the same thing happened :-) On our second date he told me he had anxiety issues and I just tried to listen to him. He's Spanish so English is his second language, which probably doesn't help his anxiety when talking to an American. Last night he came over and he told me had anxiety and depression issues and he's seeing a doctor.",Normal +43973,want to use the directional dance pad pero di compatible sa tv yung game http plurk com p n0hyu,Normal +31390,"if not, your nose will wake you up.",Normal +6881,"When you curse him, it's not nice to play anymore. After that, there is another heart that wants to ask him for help. Puii!",Normal +3313,"People say that life revolves, one day we will feel pleasure and pain. So make sure your sadness now is your happiness later",Normal +1692,"If he doesn't want it, then you don't have to force it",Normal +44387,wishing she hadnt drunk so mush yestaday,Normal +2915,"I don't know if you stay still and then check your own fleet, you will definitely smile like an orgil »â€ ♀ï¸",Normal +6199,como q se murio jyp,Normal +36564,@beijingboyce "ice" Why?,Normal +33379,"well, you should buy pants with stronger pockets.",Normal +6832,"“I love you with all my heart! If you stay here with me, there will be no regrets.. Because every day we will do something, we will be happy I swear! I'll do anything for you! I want us to live together!†(Sakura to Sasuke)",Normal +868,"If the account logs out itself, why is that?",Normal +44060,omy jus woke up but wa wishing i woke up sumwer in ny lol,Normal +1235,"Happiness is not measured by how much you have, but by feeling grateful for what you have.",Normal +41496,kenichan i dived many time for the ball managed to save 0 the rest go out of bound,Normal +42513,kal penn you were pretty much my fave not much reason to watch now,Normal +27713,I just wanted to thank everyone on this sub reddit for answering my crazy questions. Also for answering my questions with obvious answers when I was too crazy to see the answers. I have been homeless for 3 months. Not anymore! I have my own room I'm renting from a very nice family.,Normal +35880,Trying out "Delicious Library 2" with mixed results The bar code thought I wanted to add a sport bra instead of a drill Cool app tho!,Normal +4337,ni-ki best boy,Normal +30905,that should be loads of fun.,Normal +42351,lilibat never been able to afford to get them out i d much rather go through the extraction than continue with what i deal with now,Normal +4872,1 SEMESTER Fluent in MANDARIN? Here is the ANSWER!! FIRST in BANDUNG FREE registration during the PROMO period Hub: 022-61112233 BisaMandarin,Normal +44194,im just a little bit bored down here in warrnambool only so many animal docos you can handle,Normal +29115,"So here's what's going on: 1) I'm a full-time graduate student teaching a full college course by myself. (45ish work/study hours per week) 2) Because the stipend from the teaching is not enough to pay for really anything, I work in foodservice (35 hours a week) 3) Because I am trying to get into a certain PhD program, I need experience in a particular field, so I have another job (9 hours per week)",Normal +43195,is listening to an awesome song but i dnt no the name but i wan na upload it on limewire,Normal +4232,"MY DOGGGGG CAT TAKEN A NEIGHBORHOOD. ALTHOUGH I'M NOT A CAT BRACE, BUT I LOVE THE FOODS ???????? ""His name is also a child, he likes cats"" FUCKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK",Normal +36556,says just watched Mall Cop. http://plurk.com/p/n0s0q,Normal +31579,that sounds wonderful.,Normal +27605,"If I pursue this research, would you be interested in participating? How much time would you be willing to give (asking because a survey might take up to 30minutes, but an interview can take up to 2 hours)? Would you prefer to be surveyed or interviewed (it would likely be a phone interview)? If I did a survey, it would probably still include some open-ended questions (that you are free to leave a few sentences of a few page worth of a response to) so I can still hear directly from you. Feel free to answer these questions in the comments, or dm me.",Normal +44045,my fast remains un broken,Normal +5421,"5 ..Nagh pelaihari, modelell, friend, the crew is tall, wow, he's the guy",Normal +31666,did he get rich from his poetry?,Normal +6480,"The seeker of knowledge must have the intention when studying, because the intention is the essence of all actions.",Normal +2674,"Please, later in the evening the line will not do something, I want to see my dreams I comeback",Normal +44188,rickrodgers just kidding man rim doesn t even have a sync client for linux and the opensync package suck at least it can charge lolz,Normal +28118,I made a decision that I had enough of this fear and I was going to die fighting and not be afraid anymore. I reached this point a few years ago. It is a wonderful thing to sleep peacefully. I was tired of wanting to sleep in my trunk in my car (in my garage) because I was afraid of sleeping alone in houses. I was tired of sleeping on the sofa or on the floor of different rooms just to avoid sleeping in bedrooms because of fear.,Normal +32234,"yes, it is.",Normal +30321,that sounds like fun. let's do it.,Normal +29417,"I am more than my pain and I deserve that. LSD has helped me realize this. Don’t just take this willy nilly, it takes a lot of mental preparation. But the fact that I am doing more self evaluation and healing now than I have in years of therapy or whatever medication they said would make me “better” is incredible. Discuss?",Normal +42460,smokey robinson you fell off my list did i offend you,Normal +5319,"Message request kholo tou wahan ek alag.hi dunya abaad hoti h,khud hee msgs kye.hote hn,khud hi naraz bhi hojate hn, koi.maghroori k taanay derha hta he tou koi.khoobsurti k gun gaarha, kuch hta h. khud'daar bh hte hn jo reply na krne pr apna.msg unsend bh krdete hn",Normal +41941,sofii noel that s bad,Normal +33011,you got up real early.,Normal +841,I play football today.,Normal +28126,"The person needs to have in some manner lived out these fantasies, for example via an ongoing sexual relationship with a child. The person is atleast 16 years of age and atleast 5 years older than the child. I was 13 when this happened, had more or less *just* entered puberty, she was 19, and more than 5 years older. Was this abuse? Were I abused as a child?",Normal +953,Pokoke must kill Ben Plong,Normal +27929,"A has been set up and I’m hoping to help get a bit more assistance from this community. He is one of the hardest working guys I know and I love him like a brother. You can tell by the amount already raised that he is a good man who has the support and love of his community, friends and family around him. It is quite costly to transfer the remains of a loved one across the globe though and there are medical expenses and final bills on top of this that need to be paid for. Any assistance this community is willing to offer would be very much appreciated.",Normal +28894,"We have tried all section 8 facilities in the north texas area and all have told us theres a 7-10 year waiting list. I understand theres vouchers and low income housing programs too, but was also informed these low income houses still require proof of an income to be sure that the tenant can pay rent and CS doesnt count as that income. I’m looking for any loopholes in the system or any programs in place that could help with this, if anyone has any information or insight that would be truly appreciated. Thanks Reddit! !",Normal +4773,Give a recommendation au yuta comedy gt dong who are stupid gt or not other members sabi deh what is important is comedy ðŸ˜,Normal +32380,"okay, so she's not ugly; she's just fat.",Normal +37487,More deinstallation fun: wielding power drills & being in love with my spreadsheet organization,Normal +29613,"So, I used tap water in a neti pot. My cold seemed to get worse right after. I googled, “Can a neti pot make a cold worse?” Suddenly, information appears that if you use tap water in a neti pot you can get that brain eating amoeba, Naegleria fowleri... (the same one that kills kids who swim in fresh water). I guess two people in Louisiana died from it via tap water\neti pots a few years back.",Normal +1630,I want to go down as much as possible :(,Normal +2606,double mo yeji itzyâ,Normal +2491,good luck,Normal +29314,--- TL;DR; Ghosted after over a month of talking to a guy. Met in hotel room. Made out but didn't have sex. If he didn't want to cheat or chickened out at the last minute why would he carry on so long with me?,Normal +2518,"You don't have to find out anymore, let him be the new one :)",Normal +44998,anjeebaby i m fine if thing are busy just get hard at quieter time,Normal +1457,Happy 15th debut anniversary Lee Min Ho oppaâ Lisianthus flower dedicated to minoz,Normal +5072,â Open as active as possible,Normal +32053,maybe we should honk the horn next time.,Normal +6039,there's nothing to worry about,Normal +32115,but i stopped!,Normal +5968,anyone has an oath to me,Normal +33129,how long did it take?,Normal +43879,the future is no more a it used to be,Normal +31131,so?,Normal +36028,ooo apple store is down ... so close? Credit card ready,Normal +41716,paulaabdul awww good luck paula please don t work too hard but i hope you have fun your new album is gon na be amazing xxx,Normal +44570,sam piroton hope so i don t have an iphone lauraoliver,Normal +5953,People are really quick to make fanart ;-;,Normal +27829,"Haven't felt this excited about someone since my ex from over five months ago. This guy, J, and I met on Bumble. I haven't even met him yet, but we have spent hours chatting on the phone and laughing. It all feels really effortless. I've dated a lot since the break up and no one has clicked with me like he has.",Normal +27659,"I just felt it was best to separate them for the time, at least until he hopefully calmed down. I had asked someone else in the group--without informing them of what had transpired--to direct the male back to the cars so we could leave. But the male had run off. So while everyone else went back to a mutual friend's house, I drove around looking for him. I found him sitting outside a gas station a little up the road.",Normal +4194,Yeay can't wait to get my own business card,Normal +4915,Peho eke mba'e,Normal +1516,-my6 haruu drop a photo of jae which you think is really cute £ again swinging to dowoon want to try to go back to jae huhu –,Normal +42688,errrggggg my tummy hurt,Normal +4001,sad,Normal +45338,that ii crash is a tough nut posted to newsgroup http is gd raip,Normal +30707,i've just been working really hard.,Normal +5661,really true,Normal +44414,sooo not motivated to do work,Normal +3143,"It's a regret at the end, at the beginning it's registration",Normal +43951,quot it not how you are alike it how you are diferent quot i just cried in that montage flashback in hp make me cry every time,Normal +41644,onemoreproject that is lame,Normal +1546,"[thaitea] Raikantopeni pussom tiwi ayuk kenpai , ani pai , sieng , renenghai , pussom tiwi ayuk to sepsanpi, puchon raka neknam",Normal +3590,It's a shame even though it's my favorite snack I swear,Normal +4768,"Feels the most self-righteous, the cleanest, the purest, as if he's never done anything wrong. He knows he's wrong or not, you don't say anything, you know why. Why do you have to be labeled like that, the mouth is really spicy.",Normal +1651,my mood playing twt has gone down again,Normal +33000,all day long we heard tvs or telephones.,Normal +42504,ordered some maternity clothes online which came today i got something strange i didn t order not in my size and stuff is missing,Normal +33321,i don't like it reheated.,Normal +4172,PROUD OF NCT High School PROUD OF DREAM High School PROUD OF SIJEUNI High School PROUD OF SMWA High SchoolðŸ˜â,Normal +2165,"Liam, when he's in trouble, his job is to tease Rav... But when he's like this, he listens to a spiritual song.",Normal +36285,this summarize what happened at boc chrismas special when all of them are in a chaos we still have mile phakphum romsaithong who is very calm in everything,Normal +4438,so wrong ah from earlier,Normal +6095,What are you doing,Normal +43791,r i p baby girl sandra cantu my prayer r with the cantu family be strong,Normal +43438,nothing wa sick all day it sucked im just up late cant sleep,Normal +31790,i can't read my book.,Normal +37377,@RealRobBrydon can't wait for Friday.. I'm coming to see the recording! do you know who Friday's guests are yet? looking forward to it,Normal +28305,"Hi, I've posted it a lot on this sub, constantly and I figured, why don't I just submit a post with these steps. . This is how I deal with panic attacks/anxious, intrusive thoughts. I hope that I am able to help you the way they have helped me.",Normal +31305,did you put the sheets on the beds?,Normal +1767,sorry @ my family who have heard me falling down feelin up you want it,Normal +1980,"In the middle of carrying out a large stock transaction in the toilet, forgot to turn on the water option above. ..Soo this what i called ..Yup Im in this shit situation",Normal +27578,I'm pretty broke and almost all of my money for now is going towards bills and food. I have my state's basic free insurance OHP (Oregon Health Plan) but I'm not sure what kind of psychological services they could provide. I'm hesitant to start a regimen of anxiety medications if it's possible to work through things. Open to any advice. Thank you very much in advance.,Normal +36978,"@mikedignammusic hey, your stuff's quite good can you get it on itunes?",Normal +1346,Community Garbage >> MekelSungg << bruakakakakakak :v,Normal +33868,don't use water on it!,Normal +43194,i need sims gaah,Normal +43479,off to work,Normal +738,No comeback~,Normal +30514,i was laughing through the whole movie.,Normal +36334,@Jeicky_the_cat @skwi69 Thanks,Normal +5477,"uh, what's so unclear",Normal +2196,Because it's as if nothing happened.... As if everything is fine.... Even though it's covered as perfectly as possible.. it can definitely be felt for those who have a conscience..,Normal +6654,Wes peng piro this is said by a bank employee. •,Normal +33285,your orange isn't orange?,Normal +6966,Aya vi.,Normal +3374,want to change uname but what y,Normal +3526,so sleepy,Normal +41686,spencer is not a good guy,Normal +45334,nikkiwoods exactamundo for some reason i think foxx is knocked out so idk what s gon na happen sorry,Normal +29205,"She keeps using the phrase ""right now"". Whenever I ask her about us she says ""right now, no, but in the future who knows?"" I decided to put no contact measures into place as I could not give her what she wants while staying in contact with her. As much as it pained me to stop talking to her, I know that I need to do this for her as well as for myself. When this happened she was bawling over the phone, but she never questioned it.",Normal +30576,it was the best game ever.,Normal +3744,"Eid is coming soon, bae",Normal +31069,that was very nice of you.,Normal +5003,Pat Benatar moment,Normal +1105,my eyes hurt daizzz. WE MISS YOU XAVMI,Normal +5777,"Lebaran soon it's good for us to forgive each other, if we love each other I can't because I already have Na Jaemin ™ !",Normal +28029,The link to my gofundme campaign is: I included a video on my Gofundme which explains my whole situation. I thought that recording it will be better than writing it down. Thank you God bless,Normal +2686,I feel like there's a difference between private and public services: v,Normal +37216,"searching for a good dress, any care to help me?",Normal +32941,but maybe prices will be cheaper in october.,Normal +27865,"First time posting here so I apologize if I am breaking any rules. I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for about 10 years now. At my lowest points, I was taking 200 mg a day but I have been stable on 150 mg a day for a while now. I would like to one day be off of it completely, but I know that will take a lot of time and work. My question is, can anyone tell me their experiences with withdrawal symptoms?",Normal +44335,silverlines aaaah jadi tiba pingin butter sugar toast huhuu,Normal +45228,god pls m tryna be a good gal u noe it best i dun n dun n dun wana be in deep shit help me out here omg,Normal +32852,it's getting later every minute.,Normal +5230,"Had the opportunity to exchange opinions with a new friend, yes, I only met a few weeks ago but I feel frequency when exchanging opinions. The gist of the conversation. ""Humans have been given but not many are grateful, in fact they still feel lacking and feel the most miserable""",Normal +44490,just got up pshhh going on the trampoline even though i am all sore,Normal +3495,"I feel like I want to upload a selfie jar that's in my phone, but what can I do, I'm already lazy to upload it, because it's not important, it's very difficult... Indonesian says to vent the jar here, no one can tell...",Normal +45328,i have decided my room need to be more quirky so angel gave me a mirror and my a button isn t working too well either,Normal +1307,"moots, let's just get to know you, I'm nala you?",Normal +32665,i don't like practice.,Normal +44685,man i want some nike air yeezy s but a i don t live in state have no chance in hell ahh well spend the 00 on pair of sb s instead,Normal +43272,everything is still broken,Normal +1215,"Let's start again, no one replies to my chats",Normal +44612,jsparsons i am starting my prep for the pmp exam tomorrow can relate the feeling,Normal +5682,"For those who want to order a video, you can request it, dear.#pasutrilampung #3somelampung",Normal +31791,turn on the light.,Normal +4123,The important thing is that I hope it's not the same as humans,Normal +36530,@shruticute Hmmm... my mom... well... thanni thelichu vettutaanga...,Normal +32556,you're crazy.,Normal +45199,i didn t have enough sleep,Normal +1591,First time rt art objects but never mind,Normal +3810,"my mom, if you see my twitter account, it's like you're going to have a heart attack",Normal +44252,got an offer to go camping at fraser island for the weekend would jump on the offer without a nd thought but it s forecast to rain,Normal +31419,that is a lot of friends. do you have a best friend?,Normal +2563,What if the fee is 20% of the item you want to sell?,Normal +36010,"@TomFelton Cash in the Attic is OK, I prefer Homes Under the Hammer, haha I do love being off school...",Normal +3105,"If it's because of Karen, it's good to read, calm down, the plot isn't too heavy LAHH THIS??",Normal +840,"I just woke up listening to NCT DREAM 1.71 MILLION SELLER, I immediately woke up, I thought I was still dreaming",Normal +41933,nicolerichie oh my yes i miss,Normal +4593,what time does the bbma vote start?,Normal +33023,some private organization.,Normal +28731,"She used to make me lie in bed with her when my stepdad was gone for the night and she would rub my hair and my ears. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I got so angry when people would touch my head or ears. She would make me sit in the front seat and hold her hand while we were driving. She said it made our relationship stronger. She told me that when I was born, I gave her the best orgasm of her life.",Normal +30104,"Most diagnoses, except those relating to the endangerment of children, are welcome. This is a first person group, so you need to be the person with a disorder to participate. To join visit our site [https://thehaven.support](https://thehaven.support/) or check out our Instagram: We believe we are stronger together, which is why peer support is so helpful and important. Care when you need it; care for others when you can. \-Zen",Normal +32074,wow! that's terrible.,Normal +41608,salancaster hope your ok,Normal +43385,pose ta b goin ta az dis week i hope lol,Normal +43189,stephenkruiser sorry to hear about your dog,Normal +33696,maybe the banana was bad.,Normal +43034,i wish we had a dunkin donut in holland today my mom back from japan can t wait to see her,Normal +4056,It's best for other people to take the exam before raya,Normal +28783,"I could really use additional input on this because I'm not exactly sure what a healthy and compatible relationship looks like at this point. When we try to go out and do things, we often do not have fun because our personalities clash. Example of this, I wanted to go kayaking and was surprised that he said yes because he rarely wants to be outside. We get to the springs to kayak and I want to go in the water because I see no point in kayaking if you don't go in the water. He refuses because he hates water.",Normal +2366,WHY are you always tired before class?,Normal +4565,PROMO VIU.,Normal +30950,they sure do.,Normal +27957,"I clearly hold it to such high regards... I would think, ""no one's this stupid"" but apparently people are. If anyone is wondering why i didn't ignore it, I thought I wasn't being clear in what I was saying and thought if I just bluntly told it, it would understand and go away. When I kept saying it wasn't listening, for some reason, I believed I wasn't communicating clearly or I was being ""too nice"" by ""hinting at it"". Turns out abusers do this thing where they deliberately don't listen to people calling them out.",Normal +4906,It is easier to fight thousands of heavily armed men than to fight one's own pride.,Normal +36213,@TdMPhotography Oh sorry would have replied earlier BUT was flickin thru my wonderful new book of ideas,Normal +1139,Heh?,Normal +2666,boi at geboi mujair,Normal +41691,is not going to sleep tonite,Normal +32209,nothing much.,Normal +5592,Allahumma innaka `afuwwun tuhibbul `afwa fa`fu `annee ™,Normal +32311,no. movie stars give him money to give to homeless people.,Normal +44625,rainarcher can only fit people max and it full otherwise you know it would be yours sowwi,Normal +44817,my back is in bit,Normal +43261,tks pa quot tapauing quot croissant tuna knowing dat ive back to back meeting since morning amp zuraidah tks buying my fav starbuck mocha frap,Normal +6859,GOOOOOOL #Chivas 1-0! Antuna al 10',Normal +1893,"Mas, the bus is really fast, wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood",Normal +41938,running nose spinning head not a good combination for a meeting,Normal +28816,She loves being drowned in kisses and whisked off to bed like a princess. No all she can manage is side hugs. This is also taking a toll on me (not being able to fall asleep/wake up next to the woman of my dreams is crushing) but I'm trying with all of my heart to be sympathetic. To get to my question: does ANYBODY have any advice to help her get through this? Anything I can do or say to help her feel comfortable again?,Normal +44798,wishing we had fast internet now not in year http bit ly i oi,Normal +33233,what else do we get from cows?,Normal +5047,"O Allah, if you had recorded him he would be a friend to walk in life. Unite his heart with mine.",Normal +44900,retracelady djslump morning oh no more of them terremoto earthquake italy,Normal +4222,"but I really lost 90% interest in this world... the hype is all I want, if I remember, I'll do it, if not, then let's open an LMS (even though I actually spit it out)",Normal +1468,"Come on, does anyone have a tiktok account? if you can use fa",Normal +3044,Cie who has started to work to prepare for Eid,Normal +37241,"feel like running away, far away, in a great place where no one can find me.",Normal +31089,why me?,Normal +1046,Sraaahhhhh 150 ms,Normal +42345,stewiebrittany no i dont even know how to ride it,Normal +28261,"I have tried to her encourage her as best as I can. The job she had was 10 hours per week, which I got for her to tutor a friend’s 10yr old (who is a challenging child). She has an events business with her mother, which operates approximately once every six weeks to host mystery dinners, which is very popular, but does not make much funds. She spends a large amount of time on this and I get frustrated that some of that effort could be put into finding more stable work. She studies one unit a semester.",Normal +33811,it's such a chore.,Normal +36721,"@GreigWells Haha, they are a flamin distraction",Normal +6443,"Who is still in class today? Yes, me. ”✋",Normal +1049,"I'm a bit tired, all the raya cookies, I made just one person – my brother is the lazy one",Normal +29994,"I have 2 wish lists because Amazon is expensive on items, so I created a Wal-Mart (zip code 40219) wishlist too. I also have a PayPal account. The meats are cheaper at save a lot because save a lot has pick5 for $20. Hi Friends and Family! ",Normal +1975,"There is a feeling of wanting to be able to bring a pickup so that if you buy a lot, you don't go back and forth. My little car is so sad it's full of stuff",Normal +43302,watching tv trying to sleep not working,Normal +31809,how about a dictionary?,Normal +3821,gojo twink,Normal +44984,creepy outdoor on the speedway alli is now in portugal seems not so good losing weight not healthy,Normal +45224,wish there wa a a little tunnel preferably a waterslide direct from dressing room to water so people don t see me in my togs,Normal +44651,working too need a break too,Normal +2699,It turns out that I'm looking for good mutuals this morning,Normal +43759,still up trying to finish a mix,Normal +1706,good morning my best friend cenahhhhh......ah it's ticklish already....,Normal +30752,the invitation says it starts at 8:00 p.m.,Normal +2093,I'm so proud of Dreamies â ☹ï¸,Normal +4515,"mrie become the bestie with me the way is polo I'll make sure the KUFB ENDS WE'LL INTERACT TRS MNJD BESTIE! esp nctzen wayzennie, yes, but if other fandoms are polo, please go to kufb. HELP RT YES",Normal +5249,"oh yeah, I have a dailyforgyu acc, just become a selling pc account",Normal +5318,LAHHH ABIS B DIRECTLY D AKSKSKS,Normal +31845,i can't wait until i graduate.,Normal +3257,"remind you at home, you don't have to set an alarm to wake up in the morning because someone wants to surprise you, apparently...",Normal +41513,fakerpattypattz oh dear were you drinking out of the forgotten table drink,Normal +3673,....hmmmm sleepy,Normal +29300,"I’ve started trying to write things down more. Not necessarily journal but just writing down little ideas I have in various notebooks. I’ve come to realize that when my PTSD is in full steam, my handwriting is different. I’m known in my family/friend group for having great penmanship. But now, the handwriting doesn’t even look close to before.",Normal +6415,Why is it that horror films with sick grandmothers are scary?,Normal +44979,still up sad i lost follower,Normal +1438,it's complicated,Normal +44041,i m not worried about them cutting my hour down so i start at 0 00am every day except i may have to give up my morning starbucks,Normal +32412,i know. i had to chase you for a while.,Normal +43255,cardinaire ya me too,Normal +32965,that sounds like fun. where do you want to go?,Normal +5529,"because yesterday talking to people who said ""okay okay"" now become talkative ngmbg ""ok ok""",Normal +28922,"Wanted to celebrate with my friends, but I know the story would worry them more than anything else, and I'm really excited. I punched a guy for trying to not use a condom! I was sexually abused as a teen, and since then advocating for myself -especially in sexual situations- is really difficult for me. But today I had a guy come over and, when he tried getting off without using a condom **even though he agreed to use one not five minutes before,** I punched him several times off my bed and then a few times more while he was standing up (he's almost double my weight). I yelled at him for a bit and he shoved me down before he left, but within a minute of me reacting he was already putting on his shorts and on his way out.",Normal +1308,"the morning shower is delicious too, fresh",Normal +4762,idols get thr or not?,Normal +5077,Asuuuu see the ad by default want to buy it... ..Patience tjok be patient,Normal +5116,"Hiksrottt, my face is swollen, I'm sneezing",Normal +28291,"We are 21 now, both turning 22 next month. It started off as friendly catching up, but things have gotten more romantic and we have been hanging out a lot more. I wasn’t sure we could ever be together again, but I no longer have feelings of sadness or resentment regarding what he did to me. I have noticed by the way he carries himself now, he has definitely matured. I guess I just want to know when or if I should tell him I hooked up with his friends?",Normal +42821,woke up at am far too early more coffee then,Normal +43732,sucked in heather sewage bath xp and poor owen in the bear total drama island,Normal +918,"Crazy!! I just woke up at 9.30, I already know I'm late for work, I can still tweet first hahaha",Normal +6358,Why DO Looks Like Morgan? '3',Normal +6723,"Haha, it turns out that we were just cloaked in articles",Normal +3748,"SOON I WILL REPEAT THEIR PHOTOS, THERE WAS NOTHING THE PHOTOS WERE NOT PNG U__U",Normal +2503,"It's already good, if you want to buy it, why don't you have an order",Normal +42774,yo jimo i cant talk on aim anymore it glitching ill cya later and i hope u see this,Normal +3475,"Rung stupid, the question e wes comes to mind press saiki",Normal +5965,wow. what is this thing going on,Normal +28467,"I would like to surprise my friend with the kindness of strangers by crowd funding her vet bill. Please take a look at the [gofundme I have set up. Any and all donations are greatly appreciated. Even if you are unable to donate, shares on facebook and twitter will be very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my request.",Normal +4399,hey there's another meeting,Normal +43544,thinking of pay day another week to go lol,Normal +2337,"""How come you don't have jaim jaim, how come you eat with your hands?! ""..-damn, he doesn't know how hard it is to cut quail eggs with a spoon!",Normal +30857,i'm not. i just want to know.,Normal +44092,another morning at net tower still on deadline,Normal +32012,"i did, but i have to go again.",Normal +1351,keep promoting even though no one buys #semangat,Normal +32678,tiger is the greatest golfer in the world.,Normal +30554,"yeah, you should have. it was really exciting.",Normal +43104,after am and i m still sniffling and sneezing can t sleep morning is going to come way too early,Normal +2839,Thank God it's really June hehe best birthday gift ever,Normal +43150,just saw little and huge stingray in foot deep water off catseye beach at low tide no turtle yet,Normal +43794,completing report and meeting this morning interviewing people this afternoon busy bee today blurrgghh,Normal +42207,mccainblogette awwwww and you were trying to go to sleep hour ago,Normal +3248,"""Have you ever kissed a partner in a public place?""..""Never. I did it in a private place""..That's true. Don't kiss. But lick",Normal +3333,bismillah po pc smglobal,Normal +29779,"I can't talk like that."" He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled and said, ""You sure are."" It goes in a circle. He made me feel better there by affirming that he thinks I'm worthwhile. Great, that'll probably get on his nerves.",Normal +45095,yay i can txt to twitter but can t receive to my cell bcos im in new zealand,Normal +4105,Delicious coffee comfortable to drink..BUTTEREADY ON BBMAS ..I vote 'BTS' #Dynamite for ( Son Sung Deuk ) for #FaveChoreography at #iHeartAwards,Normal +3177,"My father's status is ""this vacation while taking care of the cat"". The definition of all cats who like to play at home he takes care of :)",Normal +1665,"I was crying last night before going to bed, random feeling, I don't know why 24 years of life doesn't seem like there's anything to make my parents happy",Normal +32141,of course it did. why stop after you've run over two people?,Normal +33327,i didn't do anything.,Normal +32874,i guess they haven't read this article.,Normal +3306,No one has sent the mfs yet... it's best if it hasn't been late,Normal +3891,the cake is sleeping well. no problem tross,Normal +30932,"oh, yes. i wash it once a week.",Normal +2361,"confused about the concept of basic people with frills looking for a partner etc. Already following and then my dm is not answered. Do you want to add followers, what do you do? wkwk",Normal +3604,"The first day is a holiday but it feels like work just moved, not home, not a holiday",Normal +936,"What's wrong with my business like this? Later I'll be busy counting money, you're busy looking for work wkwkwk",Normal +31516,"oh, no. i forgot.",Normal +28984,"Lately I realized that if its possible to have our minds immortalized by transferring them to a digital copy (basically creating a backup with a computer, or slowly replacing each neuron with a computer to keep our conciousness intact) that its possible to wind up in a situation where humans have created an eternal hell. I am terrified that one day the government will force people to have digital copies of their brain, or ""go digital"". It will probably start with the military, but eventually everyone will have to (the government loves control). At this point, it would be possible for a hacker, or a shady government, to just torture a person.... forever. I mean, until the universe ended, if it does.",Normal +6593,Very narrow eyes ',Normal +28589,"It's really fucking hard, but so far it has absolutely been worth it. I'm putting a lot more time and effort into improving myself. I've been much more productive. I'm doing things I used to love again. Things that used to seem a distant dream or completely unachievable now feel like they might be things I can tackle - if not now, then *someday*.",Normal +31964,that's not right!,Normal +28175,"Hi, this is my first Reddit post. I have searched the internet regarding anxiety in online gaming and there seem to be people who have it. That's kind of a relief for me. I would like to play with people with these issues, because I imagine that I'll feel a certain level of comfort knowing that we have the same issue.",Normal +42213,theresawhite this is true lol but it s still a slap in the face after such a warm end of march,Normal +1396,Why are the eyes blurry?,Normal +32897,at night i went out to eat. the food was delicious.,Normal +31331,what kind?,Normal +4894,“ŒÂ WATTPAD . (Random email)..— 1 month 18k..full warranty & legal.T who sells wattpad plum #,Normal +41817,walking home from school drain all my energy,Normal +27901,"We had a lot in common and I really liked her. Then I went back to my country for Christmas holidays and I got to see her. It was really amazing and honestly it was way better than we expected. Anyway, she has good grades and she's going to apply to the US (probably the same university as mine or same city). But the problem is she will be there in fall 2019.",Normal +42806,chick corea wa tonight and i missed it now she sob,Normal +5403,For all who are in sick condition,Normal +32703,i'd have to say babe ruth.,Normal +2311,"Good luck, I'm the type to buy last minute raya clothes, this year I can't buy clothes.",Normal +1530,"pls don't floop˜£. want to find armyzen friends who like jbjb, come on other fandoms too! mutual yu? help rt/like thanks <3!",Normal +2162,"It's okay to be selfish once, right?",Normal +36655,@Valvert : have a nice day to,Normal +30497,my favorite movie is superbad.,Normal +42322,my goodness it s freezing down here,Normal +6102,"Do you want to go to #Bromo or to the #Madakaripura waterfall? Prices start at only 350 thousand, for more details, you can ask CP directly to make it more intimate :*",Normal +37624,"@nicolerichie and @joelmadden 's little love tweets are so cute However, @aplusk and @mrskutcher 's make me want to vomit.",Normal +27552,"She requested to go to the bathroom right away, and we helped her with that. The husband/driver was out loading all our parts when she finally came out of the bathroom. We asked her what is wrong. She said, ""He grabbed me by the neck and hurt me. I don't think I can go back with him.""",Normal +45327,themaccabees i ve ordered that special inch set thingy from that place online i m so forgetful but it s still not here i want iiiit,Normal +1494,"Looking for an herbal acne remedy and get rid of acne fast? Acne soap ""RA"" is his choice and that has definitely been tested. CP : 085702244410",Normal +29262,"I know I only have around 18 comment karma due to lurking or upvoting/downvoting more than commenting but my total reddit karma is almost 1500 so I hope that says something. If you can just send even 1 or 2 dollars let me know and I can pm my paypal request link since that's the only way I know of getting anything without a big big charity site link. We really appreciate it and next paycheck I can even try and pay some people back if they need! None of us really have family to ask because of different reasons (SO's parents disowned her, Roommate's mom is distant and disapproving and an alcoholi, my mother is disabled and lives on disability with my 13 yo brother, my aunts etc are all stingy or distant). We also have no vehicle to get to any other food bank atm other than the one two roads away (hour or so walk) that has a 30+ day wait.",Normal +33718,doctors are too expensive.,Normal +36818,I do not want all this.,Normal +42788,babe aint callin,Normal +1774,Aaaaa turn on with guy who is good at cooking ° can you be my husband? Ha ha,Normal +36733,@suitelifeofkell haha me too! it reminds me and my daddy of the monkee's old show same here can't wait! lol. WHATTT?,Normal +42448,toddlington only a quarter of a percent babe darn,Normal +4978,Gile is so productive today.. you know he's already on vacation.. haha,Normal +42433,billybush she admitted to being a fake,Normal +31655,"yes. we need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.",Normal +32084,what do you mean?,Normal +6693,I'm looking for caftans that my size doesn't seem to be there ™‚,Normal +1984,don't expect too much sis,Normal +32348,it works only in canada.,Normal +2897,"Tell me to buy different concentrates in P, the composition is wrong. Ah, how about this farm?",Normal +944,Others on vacation I simulate,Normal +41759,chriscantore congrats i m totally jealous only wish my xm wa working,Normal +33689,i have a stomachache.,Normal +30924,"yes, i do.",Normal +28690,"She wouldn't bring it - trying to pawn it off on others. She WOULD eventually bring home food - at like 3 A.M. (when bars close, :x) when the food would be cold and soggy from the grease soaking into it. This happened pretty often and I never really paid no mind to it, once again, I was a kid and didn't really think anything of it. I remember her taking me to my grandparents (her side) for the weekend quite a few times - and being horribly saddened by just being dumped off by her so she could go see different men. Once I was fifteen (february of '06) I got into an argument with my father and I wasn't taking his BS anymore.",Normal +42670,someone please take gossip girl away from me i m addicted,Normal +6828,"pgi, sp already ee?",Normal +31326,eat the fruit. it's good for you.,Normal +5748,Just want to move :),Normal +43153,lol honeybaby i sound like a ny quil commercial that word only look right with a green background i want to sleep but i can t,Normal +37283,OMG SERIOUS? WHY NOT? it was shit. im getting thursday off tho wat do you want to do. i got a reply YEOW!,Normal +44173,jodie lane jodie are you awake are you hungry do you need anything coz i m leaving coz you wont talk to me,Normal +5355,Up44pp4p4p4p4,Normal +45163,just got home going to sleep for a couple hour no age of conan i hope i dream about eating delicious sushi,Normal +30416,is that right?,Normal +44661,j xox laterr hunn arghh hope i dont miss any tweet lol gunna be at my nan later nooo byeeee x x x,Normal +6740,another glass trick arrived safely at home. after the insolent field cupboard glass nipunya. How do you accept the fact that the mirrored days are full of deception. astaghfirullah,Normal +4676,can't toxic day 28,Normal +5703,#GirlFromNowhereNetflix season 2 has a bit of a twist because Yuri's appearance and disturbing madness eps 5&6,Normal +37543,@eleahbaant I sure will.,Normal +5212,"""Sorry, if there is a WA or DM from an account in my name asking for THR to friends and relatives to transfer to an account but not in my name, please contact me immediately, * I'll give you my correct account number later, so it's not wrong send.*.Thank you ™ .ttd TN Boy",Normal +1934,"Even when I was on school leave, I didn't ask, it wasn't a mess. I'll ask the person working and look for it using previous data. Mai tang me. A little bit to report. Okay, don't go on vacation. Even my leave got messed up.",Normal +4506,There will come a time when I really don't care about everything about you.,Normal +42151,i so hate homework my head hurt so bad,Normal +32094,forget it. go straight.,Normal +6796,Stomach acid kntl,Normal +29763,"I can't afford one of the really nice ones that actually looks more like real hair and not shiny plastic. If anyone, by chance, has an actual nice wig (not a costume wig) that I could have it would be GREATLY appreciated. It'd be so nice to go out in public and not worry that my hair looks super fake. I really miss having nice hair. Thanks.",Normal +29805,"Realistically, because of geographic lockdown, (needed) pay grade, etc, it's going to take a good year for me to switch. I need a way to maintain until I can get out. A couple of years ago, when it started getting bad, I coped by drinking a lot more and being a couch potato. But that's bad for me and my family, not working, so I've stopped. I went on a two week business trip.",Normal +37483,"We need to give a big huge massive shout out to @manny_hockey for his scraper, expertise, and amazing intelligence.… https://t.co/ltQI947boL",Normal +44836,im up i slept an hour last night death,Normal +33096,what was your last job?,Normal +2010,"You know that someone calls cursing and I say I stole the wifi. Which number, I don't know. I just don't want it to hang on the internet. I have my own internet",Normal +6680,"Doun wants to wash the car while it's raining, ok?",Normal +44615,gaaa i want some peace and quiet hard to find wen living with people living in a small bedroom unit,Normal +6015,"hopefully after my mom, my dad next. And I hope that the congregation of the mosque who takes advice, tells stories like the two of you so that they don't take the vaccine, they will be given sufficient guidance and information. want to pray badly, the month of Ramadan.",Normal +44917,mizfitonline is ur host down i m getting nothin,Normal +1824,new layout from my boyfriend,Normal +28680,"Did you guys ever experience similar periods as I did? A friend of mine from work recently ended up going through a similar situation to what I did and is also homeless now, and the way he describes his life right now is very similar to how mine was when it started for me. Unexpectedly fun and fast paced. And he's also noticed the rather curious trend where its a roll of the dice as to whether the person you decide to let know you're homeless will either be really nice about it or a disgustingly hostile. Funny story, I once had a woman cuss me out in the middle of Wal-mart specifically because she decided that me having rather heavily tattooed arms was just awful (my words not hers lol) when I don't have a place to live.",Normal +6737,"STRANGE!!! CLEARLY MAKES A FATAL MISTAKE, BUT WHY DON'T YOU ASK FOR SORRY, YES...? The promotion of Bipang Ambawang, aka roast pork, a specialty of Ambawang, Kalimantan, as a Eid culinary by President Jokowi continues to reap a storm. Netizens sprayed criticism, slurs, and even blasphemy on social media.",Normal +42424,celesteclara i can t sleep either,Normal +36208,One month from today we'll be on that plane headin' for NY!!,Normal +41905,hummiemd i know i wa really surprised since everyone recommends them on youtube i have to call them tomorrow and figure it all out,Normal +33253,pasta is processed food. potatoes are natural food.,Normal +42682,amirrabennett nope baby s due in th may getting closer but still 00 thing not done,Normal +3714,"4 hours of running, no rush, the e-adapter doesn't plug in",Normal +41850,last one but still not done,Normal +43300,vomitto ahh ai dreptate pixar,Normal +36595,Chillin with Lucy...beautiful day today,Normal +2033,Twitter inc atndem elash darrte shy haja smetha space,Normal +1212,want to find mutuals that often + attitude. help,Normal +29668,** > I’d love to but I already have plans this weekend. I am going to my friend’s house. We will play on his new game console! > **That sounds like fun too.,Normal +28231,"I don't feel at all like he doesn't like me or has gone off me, we meet once a week and 'chat' daily but I'm kind of unhappy I'm not getting the 'cant get enough of talking' experience that usually comes along with being enamoured at the start. I nearly always reply within 20 mins if I'm not busy because I'm still in the excited pahse, but I get a lot of 3/4 wait times with a read receipt, with him coming on and off whatsapp within that period before I get a reply. It hardly screams that he's really into me when he is ok to wait that long to reply. I assume he's messaging others so why not me? I'm his new potential gf!",Normal +28306,"EVENT 1: ​ My life was in a wretched state, and I concluded that I have to find god with absolute certainty. I immediately perceived a being of infinite bliss within my mind that was alien to me. I confessed my 'sins' to this entity and repented of my behaviour.",Normal +31960,were you in a crosswalk?,Normal +42126,raymondroman oh no how did you manage to send something to the trash can and empty it without noticing i feel for ya,Normal +37385,wanted to kill her.,Normal +33606,can you imagine being president?,Normal +4724,"Proud of Dreamies, never ending. It's really hard to be proud of yourself",Normal +42200,thestar rage i want one too is the branch in midv open too,Normal +42275,andreabakes oh gee insomnia suck have you tried melatonin,Normal +36006,Thanks to everyone who's sent me work this year... You'll pleased to know I've just planted 85 trees in India with some of the profits x,Normal +30977,maybe you're right.,Normal +44147,i mean nobody go on this anymore x,Normal +3681,I want this JBJB but fill in my tl rt all «,Normal +28632,"Thanks in advance! Edit: You guys are the best. I now have a more solid footing on what to do and how to plan for it. Thank you so much. Any other advice is welcome, and thank you to everyone who took the time to say something.",Normal +30534,that's a good reason to like something.,Normal +32077,we'll stop at the next mcdonald's.,Normal +43036,right got a stinking headache but i need to run i m not a happy bunny,Normal +5993,handsome ranma,Normal +2382,when given a word from the spd and pmi service place it is a sign of wes tuek wkwk,Normal +30307,it wouldn't be good if it got cold this weekend.,Normal +3175,What about Mark? Proud of him for sureðŸ'—😩,Normal +41573,wonder why someone that u like so much can make you so unhappy in a split seccond depressed,Normal +42238,stephenkruiser awww so sad i m so sorry,Normal +3909,kenjaku flop,Normal +44529,try to use skimmer by fallon for the first time like the overwiev and style would be cool ig you could browse the photo,Normal +36999,RT @goghsreddevils: @bosco_dumpling @CoachLanter @Cam3ronmb @Gtownfootball1 Congratulations to Coach Lanter for winning his first career ga…,Normal +1375,"Finally, I dared to tell my mother that I wasn't with her anymore :""). Why is my mother crying so hard: "" I'm sure my mother knows that I have never played with someone's feelings and know that when her child loves her, she can do anything for that person & now his son's position is being wasted :)",Normal +32526,i can't believe how long this line is.,Normal +3198,"At 25, you don't have your own house, you don't have a private vehicle, you don't have your own savings. ""Says someone who wants to bring down the mood of others"". Do not be easily influenced if there are people who often say like this.",Normal +3018,"yesterday, J said ""happy mothers day to your mom"" and then when I went to the mosque….ðŸ'§: I , '©: mama.ðŸ'§: I said happy mother's day to mama.ðŸ'© : (silence) what? stupid? .ðŸ'§: babaturan ti ph (diem) .ðŸ'©: oalah happy for you too (laughs) nah in indonesia henteu?",Normal +33077,i didn't even have lunch.,Normal +43348,devakishor oh oh that s sad,Normal +43384,craaaaap my macbook pro is kernel panicking a lot now i think i m going to be forced into an upgrade sooner than this summer,Normal +30156,"Hello. I have been on these support subs the last four months or so, and they have been so very helpful, thank you to everyone on her, and reading this. I have a situation where I am not sure what advice to give. My younger sister is twenty one years old. She has BPD or something much like it, and can become very emotional, begin panicking about the potential of abandonment, and threatening suicide, to cut of all her hair etc.",Normal +29184,"Her name was Chinook. I wasn't there. Edit--the vet suspected she had a bad heart. We had to move to find work, back in our home province of Ontario. I'm working (moved suddenly because I had an interview at a job I knew I would get), and he's already done an interview, despite not being here for more than a few days.",Normal +1124,Yooooo how you doin?,Normal +1526,maradona <3,Normal +27947,"If you're interested in being interviewed for a story, please send me a DM. I have OCD, myself, so I can assure you the topic will be treated with the tact it deserves. Note: We are not doing anonymous interviews at this time, so your full name would be published in the story. Happy to answer any questions you may have! Thank you.",Normal +44797,jonathanrknight you sure did do some tweet and i missed them glad to see you re enjoying urself always nice to hear from you x,Normal +5845,I'm tired of giving hints..,Normal +6118,it seems like it's new now that 8000 t is now 8550 t....,Normal +32970,"well, of course i want to go when the weather is nice.",Normal +43229,trying really hard not to get sick from all of the stuff i just took to get rid of my cough,Normal +33315,i'm stuffed.,Normal +5770,Bring it a really great bka cancel it while fasting a,Normal +31522,what do you mean?,Normal +32291,what would you like to see?,Normal +29080,"You would try to understand (not to be confused with accept) their perspective and make a deal that will satisfy them and you. In the same way you would negotiate with your client. What would you like to get out of this deal? What would it take for them to give it to you? Can you give them less then what they want, but make it seem like it's actually more?",Normal +27812,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +36025,@adalinemusic you're welcome! It was a great way to be introduced to your music,Normal +2034,"Why is the trending 71 milli0n sellers wkwk, I mean 1. He didn't participate",Normal +5909,AAAA I'M SO PROUD OF GOING TO DREAMIES,Normal +44993,the leeds festival twitter man ha lied there is no update,Normal +27839,"Especially the power of healing brought upon by service animals. I too, have a service dog named Luna. This wonderful man was nice enough to bring the book back in while I was off yesterday with a note with his name and number telling me to call him when I finish the book. This just made my day, it really did. There’s so much negativity in the world today and it seems not many people will stop to do something nice for someone, or help them by doing a random act of kindness.",Normal +44698,laura no im not we are gunna go this hols though i really want to see him,Normal +41976,i wan na sneak into the zoo and play with the kitty,Normal +818,"What's this, just opened twt, how come it says sebong wants CB????",Normal +1127,Very good mood listening to Raki sing this song,Normal +3621,3alam had 48,Normal +33807,"he can, but the people around him can't.",Normal +33198,and you get a lot of exercise every day.,Normal +36014,"@inspireinspire aw, I am so jealous! ) please, take me with you",Normal +5797,this account kfh photo msie crop!?!?,Normal +5333,yakedoshita,Normal +28472,"At the moment my prediction is to spend the year attending classes, applying for scholarships, and working during the day before couch hopping with a few friends for a month or 2 and spending the rest of the time staying in hostels when I can or sleeping on the streets when I can't before hopefully getting into college where I'll have a reliable bed. TL;DR: Working on boosting my resume, making friends that I can couch hop with for some time, and getting a paying job. Thanks for your time! Edit: Holy shit, thanks for the gold! I have no clue why you'd go and do somethin like that, but I appreciate it nonetheless!",Normal +45002,i still feel toss though i wa better yesterday but actually realised im not when i woke up at am feeling sick,Normal +32364,most of them are already broadcasting in digital.,Normal +2626,½ scam and ko,Normal +5164,My vacation is used as a substitute for a class schedule that is in debt. always.,Normal +30851,why are you trying to rush me off the phone?,Normal +42757,worst burn of my life so sick,Normal +37148,vacancy starring kate beckinsale and luke wilson gonna watch it fariah lynnnnnn rocks !,Normal +28872,"Bust the stigma, don't whine but be frank, if you know or someone else that is struggling help the best you can, constantly let others know that yes they will not drown, there is a boat, and it fits way more than one person. The reality is the more you own and verbalize things, the more control you have over it and the less over you. Bottom line is busting the stigma, no one should feel like they are alone. So does my short little list work for everyone, totally not but I think it is a good reminder for people like myself..and hopefully someone else can take something away from it. If anything it's just got for me to verbalize it all out once in awhile.",Normal +44054,i m having a panic attack so i can t sleep distracting myself with tv and internet hope this go away soon,Normal +33678,have you decided how you are going to vote?,Normal +44959,horrible weather,Normal +4942,tokutaka7710 F,Normal +2623,My limit is over,Normal +36023,had a juice box this morning. You never know the joy a juice box can bring until you have one later on in life.,Normal +3297,"even though it's just a vanilla latte but why is it strong until the morning, after that it looks like a panda",Normal +43866,havent update this in a while bin stuck with my gf during the week non im bk in class learnin,Normal +43048,cherylthelibr n thanks for the rebuilders rebuilding tip she s trying to help her mom thru a divorce and herself thru a breakup,Normal +37086,"@marcammann yah, hope so btw. if you want to, we could do dinner this thursday",Normal +42398,c mon sean man,Normal +1600,"I didn't make cakes at all, I just bought some snacks that my husband and I liked, the rest was sent by my mom and mba2. Don't make cake, don't make it a burden, can't make cake, don't be a thought. Just enjoy life.",Normal +41859,carvin lol they are some emotional as men omg all this late night eating both of u are broke,Normal +1950,The kite has flown. Wait pigeons come reply,Normal +32905,wow! that is nice. let's stay for two nights.,Normal +4349,Selling spotify premium 1 month and 2 months. Can be activated with an extension. Just a low price,Normal +29964,"*Alt account cuz I don't want to be recognized for my embarrassment* Anyway, I just asked a girl out via text and am awaiting her response. I believe that she is probably sleeping since she usually goes to bed early so I most likely won't hear from her until tomorrow. But the wait is eating me up inside. I figured that I'd go for it cuz why not, ya know?",Normal +1580,"It's really quiet, isn't it '€. Is my Moots on Pulkam?",Normal +33312,i filled up my freezer with ice cream.,Normal +31643,spanish is easy. i'll be happy to teach you.,Normal +42746,couple of mt text didn t arrive here,Normal +32210,what about the baseball game?,Normal +4912,awwwwwwwwwwww people are so funny,Normal +43098,why must i be awake at this untimely hour,Normal +33767,sure.,Normal +32230,let's take a walk.,Normal +2465,"I'm on twitter on my work laptop. When I was looking for a document to send my friend, I saw my twitter, I panicked",Normal +2015,Wait. Wait until I really forgot,Normal +3980,"This bot does have to be subscribed / year, oh, it's torn apart 500 dollars hahahahahahahaha",Normal +42255,just got done watching the new house episode definitely one of the saddest episode ever,Normal +42066,struggling hard with inventory,Normal +43560,not many people from my home town using irl connect,Normal +41939,eazydoesit negative you lost my vote of confidence,Normal +4198,"I don't want to be upset anymore, I'm tired",Normal +33113,are there going to be layoffs at this place?,Normal +43747,heading to bed have to be at work in hour,Normal +43395,can t upload my pic,Normal +6036,"Is reading really that fun, isn't it?🤔",Normal +35961,"My co-workers are my guinea pigs. Lucky for them, I'm testing recipes from my Ultimate Cookie cook book.",Normal +33900,it aches most of the time.,Normal +28881,"That night wasn’t so great for me as I felt ignored because both of the guys (my bf and the mutual friend) were mostly having conversations with her, leaving me to trail behind. I thought maybe it’s because we were “hosting” her and because she’s on the opposite side of the spectrum compared to us - as in, she’s into things and engages in those things we’re not necessarily into, but are interested in and could hold a conversation about. Anyway, over the course of our relationship my bf would still bring Sally up occasionally, how they were going to hang out with other coworkers. Of course, I’m totally okay with that and I encourage him to be social when he can! I’ve met all of his friends and I always enjoy myself around them - except you know who, enter Sally *rolls eyes*.",Normal +37396,tellin two of my bffl�s to sign up here,Normal +42666,flawless why did my baby have to eat prune today and now he finally went my poor baby,Normal +32636,you hit a white ball.,Normal +4650,"G&A Gems sells various agates, gems, etc. at affordable & reliable prices|ready to ship all over Indonesia|PIN 327166DC SMS:021-91345460",Normal +30911,talk to you then.,Normal +44049,aw ball the new shirt i got at aerie today doesn t fit i wear a medium but they only had a small in the one,Normal +36914,Got a "thing" for doctor chics.,Normal +1148,I will go switzerland,Normal +31024,i would if i had the money.,Normal +6571,"â—‹ Full name : Ayana Shahabâ—‹ Nickname : Ayanaâ—‹ Place and date of birth : Osaka, Japan, 03 June 1997 â—‹",Normal +3964,conejit0s best jikuka sopera,Normal +33898,there's something wrong with my right hand.,Normal +28074,"I want to sit down and have a talk with my GF, but I don't want to roll in unprepared. Should I even be attempting to have this talk? If so, are there any books or reading materials I can go over to help back my case up? --- **tl;dr**: Looking for ways to talk to my GF about her daughters spoiled behavior.",Normal +4539,Already feel the closest. Even though there are closer,Normal +6555,penchan814,Normal +2846,"Ya Allah, I can't imagine if I'm a mulfanðŸ'¸",Normal +2328,•U° .HaH.BAH.CHU.CHU,Normal +41523,meh almost lover is the exception this track get me depressed every time,Normal +43253,caught myself looking up the iphone promised i wouldn t torcher myself a i still have month left on my current contract,Normal +3765,ouch,Normal +5154,"Don't send my children to junior high school, I have the intention of joining the cmn survival show so that their name will be up or they can get more work because the reinforcement agency is lazy to look for resources, even though it's possible that in two or three years there won't be a survival show in China.",Normal +42833,paulteeter we passed by the border,Normal +32728,they're only $5 each.,Normal +27818,And it’s okay to fall down and have a bad day- as long as you pick yourself up and continue working toward moving forward. Moving forward does NOT mean forgiving and forgetting or condoning any behaviors. Moving forward is about YOU and beginning to live the life YOU deserve. You are beautiful. You are smart.,Normal +44017,gingha it is i have the doc so morning off and then into work freecycling what you getting,Normal +36757,@Mwmyn I would say philosophical,Normal +6481,"""Individual ability of a ninja is important. But more important is teamwork"" (Kakashi)",Normal +6435,Close to Jiyoon 4minute,Normal +43382,also i realize that sounded a tad drama queen but i haven t been sick in year it s hittin me hard this time,Normal +6110,"People can only be surprised, when residents are prohibited from going home, it is foreigners who migrate to Indonesia.",Normal +4977,"Actually, I'm really lazy when I'm with my high school friends, including those who are in high school with me ™‚",Normal +5557,"JIMINNNNN UGHAAAAAA, HIS HAIR IS ICE CREAM CAKE WITH THE PICTURE OF A LION",Normal +6277,Hurry up for raya food,Normal +31644,how long will it take me to learn?,Normal +2443,Brinqs 'žðŸ'–ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—,Normal +2689,So far I can't find london almonds that are really delicious £ðŸ˜£ðŸ˜£,Normal +771,does anyone have co shpe 5.5 the goods haven't arrived until now?,Normal +33740,i think they're in the medicine cabinet.,Normal +861,Gabut wants to go to Coke but the car is all used,Normal +2857,Do you have any school holidays yet?,Normal +825,For people who understand the meaning of patience. Waiting is proof of struggle,Normal +4600,SBS_MTV #빅스 #ë ”ì‡¼,Normal +30991,nothing.,Normal +6168,Susiiiiiiiiiiii,Normal +3963,pq dicen q muri0 Jyp???,Normal +33188,"so, you didn't become a doctor.",Normal +37561,Abdul is tired now.,Normal +4928,"Oh yeah, for those who don't know what the problem is, then you guys are curious, don't press for fun on the sb ""Ni-ki bvlly"" :)",Normal +44664,laying in bed and contemplating the meaning of life with a half empty glass that is leaking on the bottom,Normal +42878,wa super lucky to get a seat on the train we pay 0 for this min journey,Normal +6262,I want to rest but what if I win the giveaway,Normal +42917,lron jaii lmaooo mornin baybeeee don t lie a peaceful journey my train is straight boring not even a hooded teef in sight,Normal +43032,dougiemcfly hey saw u guy play pushover didn t get meet u tho cuz of th huge line i wa very upset lol a msg would make up it,Normal +37497,@electroginge Buy an Mac yay,Normal +6046,"I can't see updates on an account, so I'm confused",Normal +31758,"yes, i do.",Normal +1807,"The main key is being able to survive online lectures, being honest with yourself and having friends to talk to, the point is you can't hold on to problems so you don't feel the stupidest in class, even though a lot of other people also feel the same thing, they just know how to cover it up.",Normal +5315,my cellphone is now weird like it vibrates itself tkt,Normal +30852,i really have to go.,Normal +37451,@TayJasper alrite thanxx,Normal +30632,"well, she did, her baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.",Normal +32608,"no, it's too close to the salad bar.",Normal +44176,ha no milk for a cup of tea,Normal +2631,there's a lot of real work,Normal +933,demanding inheritance to say farewell is heavy in the brain heavy in the heart which causes the child's mentality to go down its okay :),Normal +37531,Wants to be stimulated already,Normal +1029,"Bestie rent empty today rep yu, need friends who want to hear my story",Normal +45168,dammit i think i picked up a bug from the girlfriend,Normal +36477,"Good morning, @mirandaanzures .... Only about eight hours until Noodles.... The only positive thing I can think of right now",Normal +32760,there's only one police officer per 100 criminals.,Normal +1120,Why do racers after the race immediately wear a hat??,Normal +33141,he's rude and he yells a lot.,Normal +41834,griffmiester no exchanging for me my laptop hasn t arrived,Normal +27959,"I only have about $10 left in my bank account. My new job pays bi-weekly which means i'll be starving for about 3 weeks. While I do plan to visit the local food bank, I figured I might as well reach out to my fellow redditors also. I will leave the link to my wishlist down bellow. If you guys can help me I would gladly appreciate it!",Normal +33679,"do you mean on measures 1, 2, and 3?",Normal +33562,he's a good speaker.,Normal +31840,you can watch tv after you do your homework.,Normal +33074,so am i.,Normal +2660,"Jun, you did well, don't feel bad anymore, okay? @.renjun",Normal +32898,i like this hotel.,Normal +32389,what time?,Normal +32631,bring a jacket.,Normal +6767,"This house is fate without a veranda. If it's x, I'll install colorlite la",Normal +32639,"finally, you put the ball into a hole in the ground.",Normal +4437,HUAA BLUE BLUE HAHAHHAHA SETIMMMM,Normal +43265,looking at it i seem to be getting a completely different config finding shared hosting hard not having control,Normal +45137,rgdub yes i really wan na go bad but i have to work,Normal +37237,@geeklitebeta Had to follow after reading that tweet about "Why is it that every second ...",Normal +43125,had a flu shot at work now my arm hurt,Normal +6498,MBOKMU RONDO!!!,Normal +36056,"@vascopatricio Vou ler! ATD foi uma maratona.. Let's just say I'm glad it's over, lol.",Normal +2269,"I hope you can continue to shop, my friend",Normal +1343,"It's people's turn to really need help, just look at it, it's people's turn to take care of personal matters until they are found out. hadeh, Indonesian ppl.",Normal +32180,how do they do that?,Normal +3729,look again it's 71 not 7l ✋🠻,Normal +4917,"perdi minha identidade, tmnc",Normal +1161,speech..how to do..,Normal +1529,"ttf! PC is made of doff, right?",Normal +1101,"one by one another, even if the ministers are all gone, one and only pls",Normal +2602,where are you?,Normal +3462,"The album doesn't disappoint, but don't forget to go digital too!! SPIRIT FOR DREAMIS, WE LOVE THE BEST â€¼ï¸ 'š",Normal +36903,"RT @AUTHORSWEEK: Congratulations Seye @seyeoke for being the latest @Author of the Week @AUTHORSWEEK. Keep on creating, keep on writing and…",Normal +44541,mum just called now my sister is in hospital,Normal +32650,or we can go to the ocean.,Normal +1138,"press like to be friends with ava seulgi, neeways don't forget to check",Normal +43185,going to sleep now johnny just died on the oc,Normal +6903,Hope in humans .is heartbreak .most on purpose ):,Normal +32959,what's the point?,Normal +4885,very proud of dream very proud,Normal +37418,"hey hey hey, just joined Twitter. sounds like a nice thing",Normal +4574,Caca scattered,Normal +4422,"Oh, I want to buy too, I have moneyðŸ'ŽðŸ »",Normal +33745,"oh, yes.",Normal +31328,what is there to eat?,Normal +33495,did he understand what the problem is?,Normal +31335,"it's in the fridge, i think.",Normal +32594,we've been sitting here for almost 10 minutes.,Normal +36397,wanted to kill him.,Normal +28021,"If she were honest or apologetic, I could try to understand. But is that naive? I’m just confused. I’ve tried to give it time, but I understand less and less. I signed up for Facebook over the weekend, and Corrine was in my suggested people to add.",Normal +36592,overwhelmed and enjoy it,Normal +32045,can we call the police?,Normal +41633,jonathanrknight i guess that s a no then,Normal +32086,don't order for me. i'm not hungry.,Normal +30807,"i understand, i guess.",Normal +3136,"Why do people wear perfume, it smells so good, wow, I'm not fasting anymore",Normal +3354,"Mbok tulong nek takon ""Why don't you go to college, are you dadi opo?"" Kui, when we're both together, when it's crowded, your wedi pie pitakonan doesn't look good. ""Why are you in college, wes dadi opo?""",Normal +45054,theengteacher dammit getting to know this corner very well,Normal +6914,travel batu kota juanda.082230015499 - 081703446249.#travelbatukotajuanda #traveljuandabatukota #TravelMalang #Travel,Normal +28254,"- Effexor XR My doctor says it's basically a crap shoot. Different people react to medication in different ways. Still, I'd love some first hand accounts of what it's like to be on these medications. Can anyone share their experience?",Normal +31499,it was seven feet tall.,Normal +2916,Make it difficult to sit down if you want to be ready eh,Normal +1001,It's really cool when Girl from nowhere season 3 becomes the dominant Yuri.,Normal +3650,Why do you want to snack at home? I forget to fast :(,Normal +44923,goodbye jive test server so very sorry to have to shut you down,Normal +3026,"For sure.... You will always be in my heart.... Come back when you are tired, I am still here waiting for you..",Normal +3994,( uptwt cebi )..It is 02:28 UTC now,Normal +910,potta cloth,Normal +43365,just realized im talking to no one,Normal +5613,"Ptn! If you register for m4nd1r1 unpad, can you choose two or two (scheme 1&2 )?",Normal +28540,"She hobbled down these steps between the living room and kitchen. She didn't ask for help and even when my dad and I both offered she declined. On the way back up the stairs her knee started to hurt or she hit or whatever. She was sitting on the stairs just sobbing away, doing her thing where she's cussing under her breathe. That was a strong indicator to leave her the fuck alone.",Normal +29310,· Did your parent/parents not provide healthy meals or enough daily exercise or activities? · Why didn’t you change the habits when you became of age? · Do you cook? · Are you too busy? · Have you made a daily planner of your day to be able to notice where you have an opportunity to be able to prep meals and cook more?,Normal +3830,Break your fast with the faithful because the sweet ones bloom to loro for,Normal +6292,"""If the Comforter that I will send from the Father comes, namely the Spirit of truth who comes from the Father, He will testify about Me."" (John 15:26). get, who rejoice willingly share. ™",Normal +1525,"BOSS! F2x wants HS sm M28+, does anyone want it, dom jkt",Normal +33515,"in fact, it's chilly in the apartment, too.",Normal +6006,"The first time I went to work, I was so lazy, the people weren't cool",Normal +32265,i love to go online.,Normal +37000,"RT @shxxyellowbin: Oh my heart hurts so good. I love you babe, so bad. @ikon_shxxbi https://t.co/aH5aObf60j",Normal +1395,Yatuan wants to meet Ryan,Normal +2845,"I'm really lazy when I'm playing, the moon suddenly comes",Normal +33820,i hate flossing more than brushing!,Normal +6316,"Oh, why the age of 25? I'm only 24 when I can buy boba with my own money, I'm already happy to cry",Normal +31759,what college do you go to?,Normal +31101,you're sitting there with your mouth open.,Normal +32002,that sounds nice.,Normal +44203,uh d why did the dentist hurt today holy crap i feel like my teeth are all about to fall out,Normal +5470,"After teaching my nephew math, it's really fixed, I can't be a teacher aka I can't wait guys",Normal +33055,did you double-check your nose and teeth?,Normal +42748,ientje 9 aw i m fine too thanks yeah i miss you so much on the mfc but hope we can talk later on today kiss huglove,Normal +3473,"As long as the disobedience is still repeated to you, then continue to repent. #YukTawbat",Normal +28320,"But unfortunately everyone refuses to do so. Now I guess my question is, how do I ... 1\) Seperate myself emotionally from him? 2\) Be more assertive when dealing with him? 3\) Build myself up to be a confident and self reliant person that doesn't hit rock bottom every time I deal with him?",Normal +42203,polhillian yup,Normal +4662,"""Happiness will be found when you choose to sacrifice yourself for someone who is valuable."" -Neji Hyuga",Normal +4546,hopefully today there will be more sustenance,Normal +43713,having a major head ache this suck men arrrrrrrg,Normal +43935,well i m going to bed early i wish i could sleep in tomorrow,Normal +37313,"RT @hullablue: Daughter was delighted to see this assistant referee today 'her hair is like mine, can I be a referee? '",Normal +36895,I just want to protect you...,Normal +2409,come in or not? #zonaba,Normal +6327,"If the file is retested again, just file it, I can't control it",Normal +44306,ryanseacrest tie bar i missed it on wednesday,Normal +31493,i'll be glad when winter comes.,Normal +44051,finished the second research paper of the week it s tuesday kind of kill me test friday,Normal +28913,"I want to know about your story, how you got there, struggles you never realized you would face (as well as how you dealt with the ones you already expected), how you got out of it (if you did). Anything and everything you think might be relevant for me to look into. You do not HAVE to be a singer/musician to reply. Every story is worth listening to for me. If you're in NYC and can meet in person, that would be amazing as well.",Normal +33498,i don't even know why we need to fix it.,Normal +32190,what will you do?,Normal +1353,in the morning already made emotional â,Normal +33620,he's visiting other cities to get ideas.,Normal +3690,I don't know,Normal +1129,"It's also quiet for the mosque gangs who oppose the SOP when the mosque cluster appears. He said the SOP was an infidel who made it. This area of ​​my house only looks like 2-3 people go to the mosque but don't wear masks. If you are reprimanded, you are accused of being a religious traitor.",Normal +45337,my night went to the bar felt up a marred woman went home hard and alone,Normal +33311,how much did you buy?,Normal +5015,Valid info...A1..Eid Al-Fitr falls on the red day...Merdeka 'ªðŸ‡®ðŸ‡©,Normal +1889,"â are we mutual? Ava, I'm Jeno, just like it",Normal +30525,i couldn't keep from laughing throughout the whole movie.,Normal +30348,she's not too tall.,Normal +36780,"RT @JeffFlake: Congratulations to @kyrstensinema on a race well run, and won. It’s been a wonderful honor representing Arizona in the Senat…",Normal +4940,"rip jyp, fly high muti",Normal +31230,of course.,Normal +42417,hellivina ihopness g knight lovely lady i m sleepy now,Normal +37297,Is glad she got changed 3 times this morning xD its lovely & sunny,Normal +31762,"oh, yes, i really like it.",Normal +42743,baf0 hi steven man it s only been a week and i m already behind on school work,Normal +3828,"Yes, look at the el domingo outfits",Normal +31834,have you done your homework?,Normal +30794,"well, why don't you?",Normal +37004,@alexakesson follow @hedge_funds,Normal +31159,maybe you should stop shaving.,Normal +1534,FWB! Is there any f this Eid season in Bali? let's get in touch.. M 183/70,Normal +36376,"thanks to @Posh_Totty cant wait to get home from work tonight, for some reason",Normal +42486,tried to download tweetdeck but it wont download,Normal +32043,did you see that car?,Normal +2754,Come on a little more😢😢😡😡😡😡😡,Normal +2980,vakwee dukedom,Normal +3783,Am I wrong?,Normal +6708,"""If you want to see a beautiful dawn, then you have to go through the dark night""",Normal +33097,i was a painter.,Normal +31880,and lots of books.,Normal +30969,we haven't been in a while.,Normal +6419,"Half an hour only discuss 1 proposal. Bismillah, when the part of my proposal was not discussed. It's great, just keep on going, sir!",Normal +5312,staytune on seonghwacs's account it's fun,Normal +28439,"His mom came, he freaked out and got angry. He almost slammed the door on his mom's head/hand and I freaked out and pushed him away from the door. He got angry that I assaulted him and threatened to take me to court. His mom freaked out over the condition he was in. She ended up taking him to the ER so we could see if he could set up an appointment and get medication on spot (we never dealt with something like this and didn't know the procedure).",Normal +2688,In the framework of the CB that will be soon. Want to GA premium on spotify/yt ahh,Normal +33845,you can't believe what you hear on tv or radio.,Normal +32701,there are so many great players.,Normal +31915,the husband said he tried to help the boy.,Normal +4537,"Good morning, good people, if anyone wants it......",Normal +5261,I kukupal ka pe mergo wooden pesti.,Normal +2447,Sad can't do mani pedi ²,Normal +1321,My brother will definitely get it,Normal +30995,which one?,Normal +43670,delicatelyreal i feel your pain,Normal +43651,qr veolia fail translink the bus and train don t align so the early train is just a late a the bus one hour later,Normal +28075,"when you first come face-to-face with a sociopath, you will be completely oblivious to who they truly are. they will be whoever they think you want them to be. they are fake. maybe it took him a while to show you his TRUE colors, maybe it was pretty close to the beginning. but the most important time was when you connected at the start.",Normal +5030,"JUAL ORIGINAL IPHONE USB CABLE ONLY 100RB LINE : gkl0838m / WA : 087889858171 , IG : IBOXSELL",Normal +36170,Just booked @leawoodward and I in for 4D baby scan tomorrow - very exciting - can't wait to see our little girl,Normal +42416,michaeltao man america is so borez anyway lol i just realized you sent me msg on here i had no idea i have no flash,Normal +41936,watching who framed roger rabbit make me miss toon town,Normal +44067,phillyd wishing you the best lt,Normal +29817,"I live in BC and im gonna be homeless soon, I'm thinking about just saving up enough money to take a greyhound to the Vancouver island to live out being homeless and to get a fresh start. I'm thinking about either Qualicum Bay or Parksville since they're both small and have good weather. I don't want to be homeless in a big city full of crime and I want to be somewhere where it doesn't get to -20 in the winter, are there any other good places in BC to be homeless?",Normal +2543,"All pet shops must have a veterinarian, right? very hard to find a veterinary clinic :((",Normal +2670,what is a kenjaku,Normal +45393,slept wonderfully finally tried swatching for new project classic line cardi from stash but don t like color must wait for now,Normal +862,morning bestie,Normal +32814,are you crazy?,Normal +44883,just had myself a driving lesson went pretty well need to stop crossing my hand over on the wheel apparently though bad time,Normal +28573,"He's an awesome friend who has always been there for me when I had been struggling with depression, giving me great advice, and this put him over the top with this generosity. Between you guys, the three or four family members I have left that I can talk to without shaking with rage, and my friend in Indiana, I have actually cried tears of joy. Seeing people come through when I'm miserable and at rock bottom, I realize I'm not really at rock bottom when there's a hand to help me up. Thank you so much, again. I love you all ❤",Normal +29475,I'll have written a letter to give to her. The letter is to repeat what I wanted to say for later so that she can read in case she has any misunderstandings or if I don't communicate it well. I don't know how to word my reasons to break up though. Obviously I don't want to say the reason is because of her physical appearance. Should I say I only see her as a friend but nothing greater than that?,Normal +4109,laugh out loud,Normal +43097,off to town forgot to charge my phone so don t think it will last all day,Normal +1041,Do you play Zepeto? Let's be mutual? Just drop your id <3,Normal +3595,"In the past, they were said to be fl0p, insulted, now they have proven that their struggle was not in vain, waiting 5 years to get a full album. It's heavy bro, haters who are always looking for mistakes to hate them now better shut up. You don't need to hate them/hate one of the members. Thanks",Normal +4849,"Prime 22 GB (17GB Regular + 5GB Kendo) Rp. 195,000 Interest? Mention/DM or fast response 08988178901",Normal +32463,a man i met in a coffee shop.,Normal +45143,wish p kid wasn t so sick and in hospital tonight,Normal +2629,VERY PROUDðŸ˜,Normal +33149,"i can't quit, because i'm making a good salary.",Normal +32116,"no, you didn't. you slowed down, but you didn't come to a full stop.",Normal +42271,stephenkruiser i so sorry for your loss my brother dog sam is sick w cushing disease,Normal +29349,"That is a waste of energy. I know and have lived your combative relationship with both your parents. First, it is your dad, then you go to your mom, then it is your mom and you go to your dad...... you are playing them and that is very manipulative. You are 28 years old, a young man that needs to grow up. Take responsibilty for yourself.",Normal +4259,ya AllahðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +4427,"I just woke up, I've been slandered by anj, is it safe?",Normal +31772,i think i lost it today. i used it yesterday.,Normal +2298,"Real sex or phone sex, let's get ready again",Normal +30721,i've just been working a lot.,Normal +35991,ok that dinner rocked,Normal +32506,i don't mean good-looking. i mean good-smelling.,Normal +3956,Dami Satsat Namputa,Normal +30913,i live in pasadena.,Normal +4046,Why do I have to face my desk with Mrs. Mur who is very similar to Mrs. Tri and imagine the trial :((,Normal +32795,this time they have charged him with murder.,Normal +36798,@chrisgarrett I'm up for it! can't wait to here more details,Normal +2288,"so that it is possible to buy a monstax album that is fatal love, what's the best thing about giving it to your mother for a bribe?",Normal +41737,monkey i just found out you my twin and you wont even write back i m heartbroken,Normal +43542,my forehead is starting to feel like someone ha cut a slice out of it oh that s right someone cut a slice out of my forehead today,Normal +43371,aiiane what s wrong with being an attention whore,Normal +37492,@webfreelancer hi hi,Normal +35876,making some lunch,Normal +33344,does it have a price tag?,Normal +42627,if ever there wa a day for staying in bed today is it,Normal +28132,"We have been together for a little over 2 years now, and high school is nearly over. He’s been wanting to move to Toronto for a while now and I had considered moving there for university too. However, I plan on staying at home (Toronto is only 4 hours away). I would say things about how awesome it would be if we moved in together or visit each other. Never once did he mention he did not want a long distance relationship.",Normal +3720,"MORNING SYANK. uh, it's already noon, sksk",Normal +30998,i love that show.,Normal +44342,drjackdr oh did you see the disaster really an horrible situation,Normal +43607,rustyrockets do i sense a blog coming on too bad i have to leave in like 0 min xxx,Normal +28664,"**Why this is important** - The FDA has approved Phase 3 MDMA/PTSD studies based on promising Phase 2 studies and the main challenge of the Phase 3 research is funding. - These foundations fund PTSD work. But they aren't funding MDMA PTSD research. I think with the right guided nudge, these foundations may be open to supporting the research.",Normal +44326,daftasabat i needed a lie in lol i haven t slept for more than hour in a few day now it s killing me,Normal +31411,"i will blow my nose sometime for you, and you'll see.",Normal +30790,"yeah, are you going to come?",Normal +30699,i've been working too.,Normal +2095,Huh? The person is deak anjir😃ðŸ™,Normal +41813,jonathanrknight oh did i mention it quot gooooood moooorniiiiiiing quot from germany im back in my cage or better my office,Normal +5347,It's been a bit of an issue that he has to be poor until he has run away from the original issue,Normal +32333,a gardening show follows a knitting show.,Normal +2794,jyp se murio? Ayuda,Normal +44044,well i wa going to rpm vespa need oil i ain t going anywhere,Normal +2071,"once again said fierce. google, how to be not fierce? “",Normal +33578,maybe he's just a liar.,Normal +30686,i haven't lately.,Normal +44640,about to go looking for shoe for my brother looking forward to torquay in april not a sunny a yesterday here,Normal +6727,"Chanbaekist bas3 hasn't swhat yet, huh?",Normal +30688,"so then, why don't you just go?",Normal +31358,"it sure is, but i'm going to call hp first, just to make sure.",Normal +31360,"no, i always back up my files.",Normal +32684,it can be dangerous.,Normal +32812,what are you standing on?,Normal +5799,"Yes, how about that, still a corporate slave",Normal +30483,you have got to be talented.,Normal +32433,"you know, that woman with the big boobs.",Normal +42524,argh got up early for girl aloud on freshly squeezed and it wa just the video,Normal +33213,i will knock on the doors of all the corporations.,Normal +2856,q pasa con jyp?? No t tocaba,Normal +3111,"woke up, looked up, said “how come my hair style is like that of a young wife?â€",Normal +4230,KWWKKWKW YAALLAH TIRED FROM YESTERDAY BENJI LAUGHTER,Normal +44148,dear twitter i have bug bite on my leg they r itchyyyy haha just got outta the shower uhh night,Normal +44968,started his week training it s going tobbr tough with so many birthday currently at work http twitpic com y k,Normal +31102,who cares?,Normal +33081,i had to bring work home with me.,Normal +31469,i bet you had to drag him away.,Normal +45132,andy winward only quot seem quot funny,Normal +29716,"it’s the first relationship I’ve been in that feels “serious” and friends comment on how well we get along in public. We laugh a lot and we have the same sense of humor. I have been known as sort of a funny person and this is the first girl I’ve been with in a relationship that consistently makes me laugh hard. Plus she is very caring and sweet, a good friend. We have not had a serious fight in a long time, maybe more than 3 months.",Normal +2813,Where to find this last min raya cake,Normal +33099,i got laid off because there was no work.,Normal +3338,"Crazy dreamies, really cute",Normal +2238,"After bubbling a lot, are you safe?",Normal +32039,they're all asking the same question.,Normal +42729,guten morgen up and off to get ready to go to phantasialand cologne yay but booooo last park of holiday,Normal +807,who's on vacation?,Normal +30208,"i'm absolutely lovely, thank you.",Normal +3527,"""Julie Andrews"" Switzerland ♥â '™ðŸ‡¨ðŸ‡.Sweden .Norway .Finland «ðŸ‡®ðŸ‡«ðŸ‡®ðŸ‡«ðŸ‡®ðŸ‡«ðŸ‡®.Russia ©ðŸ‡ªðŸ‡§ðŸ‡ªðŸ‡³ðŸ‡±ðŸ‡§ðŸ‡¶ðŸ‡«ðŸ‡·â™¥ðŸ‡©ðŸ‡ªðŸ‡§ðŸ‡ªðŸ‡³ðŸ‡±ðŸ‡§ðŸ‡ «ðŸ‡·.Libya ±ðŸ‡¾ðŸ‡±ðŸ‡¾ðŸ‡±ðŸ‡¾ðŸ‡±ðŸ‡¾.Tunisia . Kazakhstan °ðŸ‡¿ðŸ‡°ðŸ‡¿ðŸ‡°ðŸ‡¿ðŸ‡°ðŸ‡¿.Tajikistan .Uzbekistan .Greece ·ðŸ‡¬ðŸ‡·ðŸ‡¬ðŸ‡·ðŸ‡¬ðŸ‡·.King ''🦠King of cups yes or no â™ 4",Normal +2418,VA GA BUN DA,Normal +37060,@mark_uk_ne We know we don't have a Queen.,Normal +29472,"I apologised and thought that was the end of it. It’s gotten to the point that if I walk into a room, she’ll leave straight away, and if she doesn’t leave, or if I start talking to her or someone else, she sighs a lot so I know my presence is not wanted. If I’m in her general direction of travel, she’ll be sure to make a wide berth around me, and the only time she’s spoken a full sentence to me was to say “thanks for my present” that I got her for Christmas. Then we get to tonight. Eva and one of my brothers are staying over at our cousins house.",Normal +31949,where were the cars?,Normal +44224,etnobofin even google translator doe not get it,Normal +44517,whitout friend,Normal +6261,Very cold..,Normal +43665,it the holiday and i still bloody insist on waking up at school time,Normal +824,DIOS SKSKKWKWOW JK T AMO,Normal +31602,okay. i'll start thinking about having some fun.,Normal +43901,so cold,Normal +5726,"No need to focus on thinking about people who hate us, because there are still many people who love us.",Normal +42389,oh i thought the pirate bay trial verdict wa today s apparently it s in 0 day,Normal +29459,"His medical equipment (wheelchair, Hoyer lift, bedside table, trapeze lift and air mattress) belong to us to donate as we wish. We're looking for a good charity that would be able to pick these items up (So, with a truck?) and re-use them for a patient in need. Thank you very much for your help in this. If it helps, we're in the central Florida area.",Normal +30738,i want to. i heard it's going to be really fun.,Normal +31742,i'll bet he enjoyed his walk.,Normal +33504,it's perfect for us and the kids.,Normal +37141,http://twitpic.com/2ydkg - Time to bust out the Green Wing,Normal +30681,"yeah, i went. did you go?",Normal +45171,very very busy not getting a chance to twitter a much a before,Normal +42767,now i m down to 0 battery,Normal +45206,allancavanagh thanks for the link allan dm not working laptop on a go slow,Normal +1517,how come my heart hurts lol,Normal +44926,be offline,Normal +5098,"°ã€žkacil is still making the pinned gif catalog, it's only temporary heheðŸ˜",Normal +43231,even a four day week seems too long i want to stay in bed,Normal +44065,got up at mistakenly it should ve been,Normal +32459,"she asked me how she could return the favor, so i asked her out.",Normal +1422,There service was good,Normal +33742,a band-aid might not work.,Normal +36637,@chinewinelover ?????,Normal +43913,addersop i have a habbit of misspelling bought,Normal +3913,"Do you need netflix via credit, bro?",Normal +44630,i am officially alone on my twitter,Normal +43138,actinglikeamama oh you have a recipe for gyro i developed an addiction in germany and haven t been able to find any i like in au,Normal +36729,"@malhere hope u have a good ride if the weather is decent, if only the weather was like that where I live",Normal +30244,"that's right, it really would be.",Normal +867,Pls the one in my fleets is really cute.,Normal +41551,i have a sad feeling that dallas is not going to show up i got ta say though you d think more show would use music from the game mmm,Normal +42590,is ready to go to bed long day tomorrow,Normal +1249,my morning,Normal +33539,i feel so sorry for those people.,Normal +3314,Why didn't my package arrive?,Normal +4428,"Wow, fb people, if you comment on my post in English, bro. I'm confused about how the answer will be if you use tagalog",Normal +31722,yes. that's all i ever give her.,Normal +3684,AFTER 1000 PURNAMA FINALLY THE DOSPEM REPLYED THE CHAT. ADH MO MAMPUS,Normal +29900,"Hi Friends! In honor of the Challenged Athletes Foundation, my dad is undertaking a great bike ride for charity and would love your support. After completing the Tour du Rouge for the American Red Cross a few years ago, he is now teaming up with the Challenged Athletes Foundation (CAF) for the Million Dollar Challenge. As a loving father, I would love to support him and his endeavor through a 620-mile ride over 7 days in California. The CAF raises money to help people with physical challenges pursue an active lifestyle through physical fitness and athletics and this is one of their biggest events.",Normal +33397,"well, a dozen large eggs were only 99 cents.",Normal +27790,"I really like my roommate, and my suitemates are cool besides for them being loud at night. I know I'd sleep better in a different place, but...I don't know. I don't want to put up with the hassle. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I honestly just came here to vent.",Normal +33828,i bet i've lost a couple of pounds already.,Normal +45304,finally fellow ninja logging into the forum if you ve done so recently can you redo again a it woz a bit broken before,Normal +29634,"Hey everybody! I'm conducting research on social media usage, if you could please spare a few minutes to take this survey I would really appreciate it! Instagram Survey: The purpose of this project is to examine the effectiveness of Instagram in terms of marketing promotion perspectives among millennial consumers. The survey will take approximately 10 minutes.",Normal +1360,"Please PRU15 later UMNO slaves don't forget the memories that you are part of this #Kingdom of Failure. A little responsible. Anyway, thanks go to UMNO, PAS and BERSATU who have saved PH Mahathir's reputation with this #KearajaanGagal combination",Normal +36496,i want to be a engineer.,Normal +44172,mattg00d i dont like you not having internet you dont tweet a much,Normal +41656,i feel bad for doing it,Normal +3819,1.71 is the one that has been ordered by someone or is there pre-order stock?,Normal +36900,"Fast & Furious: New Model, Original Parts a really good film",Normal +5627,"Ben pung sakjes the leftovers that should be for the children of 3 gentlemen who happen to be big fans of the Ono club, cancel it, and transfer it to someone else. Because the action is not commendable by sending wa bullian early in the morning. That's it.",Normal +33387,"one to wipe the handle, and the others to wipe the produce.",Normal +1005,"Sunday is not effective, until what you think is a holiday",Normal +32281,"""Â…and you know you should be glad!""",Normal +43023,can t sleep it s 0 am ugh i m not even sleepy,Normal +6844,"does anyone have an AU recommendation that makes you cry or not? drop below with the link if there is one, thank you",Normal +755,Motorcycle again haha,Normal +36665,"RT @mkoirala: Just keep going forward, no matter what #Motivation #Success #Life",Normal +5299,Relationships will last longer if you love a man more than a woman,Normal +41620,grum wah i can t see clip must be el stupido work filter can t wait till i get a puter something else blame ex he broke mine,Normal +5282,In the glorious month of Ramadan I still commit sins. Does Satan need to incite me to sin?,Normal +41536,sad sad sad i don t know why but i hate this feeling i wan na sleep and i still can t,Normal +43749,is going to priceline city tomorrow but lost her must have list,Normal +32279,"so do i, like ""she loves you.""",Normal +28371,"We had signed up for the boat ride (something she was extremely excited about), but the lines got a little backed up and the time got pushed back. An hour had passed of us at the event and we were scheduled to go on the boat ride in about 15 minutes. However, since that hour had passed, her boyfriend refused to stay any longer and made both of them go home, even though she really wanted to go on the boat. These are some of the bigger events that have pissed me off; however, they have the same fight everyday regarding their differing values, and her wanting to do things/live her life and him refusing to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise to do that with her, resulting in her just settling to the situation. Since graduation, he accepted that crappy job and moved across the country, taking her with him.",Normal +2029,"bro, work is fun, just want my material hahahaha",Normal +44357,septmourningm texas is far from phx lol what part,Normal +32569,"i wonder if the cooks' nails are dirty, too.",Normal +32019,think about something else. think about a hamburger.,Normal +4498,"can you not take it to tiktok a little bit? less content, try it!",Normal +44379,bye every one im going to stop being a tfan i cant do this any more im a fan only becouse i want to date taryll and he dosent want me,Normal +43505,ready for sleep but having trouble sleeping,Normal +32411,i didn't love you at first.,Normal +43087,runawaystarling unfort msn is a douche and a half to me,Normal +3478,just woke up and immediately saw jean😩🤚🠻,Normal +3805,Mt (again),Normal +4470,tauruses dni,Normal +3676,Bighit will announce the total Po again or not? Or directly 1st day / first week after the album release?,Normal +29638,"Despite that, all the following is true: * We have both called each other BF/GF and referred to there being a relationship * We have had (oral, but not PIV yet) sex a few times, slept together naked, and have had many intimate conversations, including the last time we saw each other * We both mentioned early on that we aren't currently dating anyone else * We have both talked about going to specific events and doing things together in the future",Normal +1703,"Oh my God, can I ask for kula saget or sedela stuff, just as much as it is dinten mboten nopo.",Normal +36633,She was tired.,Normal +43874,ellelovexx haaaaa i want mac amp cheese toooooo hahahaha hey i still got the one u left here i guess im making that today oo lol,Normal +981,Lm Want to eat messy bio that can be qris,Normal +33778,of course you can.,Normal +42511,danphelan urgh it wa just the video and they cut the robot part,Normal +5022,Mlq maldito cr kkkk,Normal +29754,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +3865,ANYONE BUY ME LIGHT STICK HIS DREAMCACTHER PLSSðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +42711,back to classic rainy amsterdam day,Normal +31071,why did she do that?,Normal +2417,ni-ki best boy,Normal +27949,"Hey. I turned 18 two weeks ago, and this weekend, I was booted from my parents house. My uncle is nice enough to let me rent out one of his places, but after rent, and utilities, and gas to get to work, I don’t have anything left over. Problem is, the new place isn’t furnished, and I wasn’t allowed to take anything from my house except my clothes. So, if anyone could help me get furniture for my new place, I’d greatly appreciate it.",Normal +28216,Nothing was bothering them. Nobody was being a bully at school. Their grades started to slip. I was asking the right questions but they kept saying nothing was going on. Fast forward six months.,Normal +35928,"photoboth is black and white. and wayyyyy old. we call him Herbert lol. I love him, he's like a living legend. gotta love Berlin <3",Normal +30541,i think that's an excellent reason to like something.,Normal +33256,how do you prepare the potatoes?,Normal +5628,avatar or not macky😆â,Normal +37378,Good morro! I had a dream that I was banned from GGUI,Normal +29778,"He refused to look me in the face and acknowledge what he had done. Several days later, his sister calls me, feigning friendship, asking if I would like to get the cat I had been forced to adopt while living there. When I got home, a multiple hour drive each way, I noticed the cat behaving strangely. This cat was at this point, less than a year after my leaving, almost entirely feral, and infested with a ridiculous number of fleas. I posted on a local forum for my town about ways to help repair this cat’s now-aggressive nature.",Normal +31545,"no, he just landed the plane and walked to a restaurant.",Normal +41790,ashleyskyy but i wanted a margarita too,Normal +5491,My love is blooming in the campground,Normal +4910,"If the notip 72h appears, then you have to logout or not",Normal +43021,warlach curse ye have fun at it i miss doing online pr for paramount pic,Normal +42446,vernonhamilton you re a stranger,Normal +30657,of course i will.,Normal +1192,there are still assignments,Normal +3747,Balalaika ma go sur!!!!,Normal +1435,joder yoongi te amo granny,Normal +43454,went to the doctor s today and my blood sugar level wa,Normal +41728,ircmaxell i think i need to find better anti depressant i think this paxil wellbutrin combo is losing it efficacy,Normal +29820,"I [26F] have been with my boyfriend [30M] for almost 5 years now. We live together and talk about spending the rest of our lives together. While being home for the holidays, I was re-aquatinted with a friend who helped me through a tough time in high school. In a completely platonic way, he supported me after I was left heartbroken by my first love. He has always been compassionate, understanding, and non-judgmental and has given advice that I still live by today.",Normal +36537,@SamanthaPaige3 This is the best thing to pop on my Twitter all day😂😂 what cracks me up is that billy is in it too😂😂😂,Normal +2539,haha anj finally my old user is back,Normal +30570,i was meaning to ask you if you saw the basketball game on friday.,Normal +31317,"mom, i'm hungry.",Normal +3399,Slr for a moment ok™,Normal +5518,[cm] Has anyone received a circular from the campus that Monday has started the holiday but there are still lecturers who force me to go to college? hi we have the same fate,Normal +44478,my cousin can t stop playing frozen bubble twisted amp resco bubble bye bye n see you after a week or two,Normal +42023,i am officially banning godaddy com from my comp my head hurt from the small print and i wasted 0 that could ve happily gone to boba,Normal +36281,@pixiepan lol. www.tv.com is your FRIEND!,Normal +1180,Weh Seungmin has a high tone,Normal +6347,Makakalabas pa yata Bukas HAHSAHSA,Normal +27556,I waited a bit and then went and talked to our advisor. I vaguely and briefly explained what happened so I could get his help in understanding some procedures I didn't understand. We went down to the lab and figured out my work together. I was then standing and doing something with my samples while my advisor was doing something else in the room. Then I suddenly looked up toward the door and entirely expected my fellow student to burst in yelling about how I told our advisor.,Normal +5202,warota,Normal +27915,He did not say much about it. I have Morgie's cell phone number. We aren't very close because I don't see her around much. I've only met her a couple of times before. Should I text her or call her and ask what happened that night?,Normal +28726,"2. Socialize! we sure did not evolve as lone creatures, we always evolved as packs, it was always crucial to our survival, and thats why we get anxious without it, even if we dont know it, but that doesn't mean you need to 24/7 socialize, Remember - lonliness is a nice place to visit, but a horrible place to live in, so go out there and simply talk to other people, it can be your school mates, colleagues, or even something a lot more simple such as your local shop clerk, in the last few years we can see a sharp decline in socializing because mainly everything became online, and our survival instincts kick in, letting us know something is way off, and needs to be fixed, it does not like being alone, and do not try to replace real human socializing with social networks, which brings me to the next point - ​ 3.",Normal +31067,what happened?,Normal +31752,it's one dollar for 100 minutes.,Normal +32024,where did you park it?,Normal +42811,bivancamp aw that suuuucks sorry dear,Normal +1015,"There is free time wasted, well, it's a waste of opportunity",Normal +2059,"If you have to choose between me and him, choose him. Because if you really love me, there will be no other choice.",Normal +42858,smile like you mean it wow this song brings back memory still can t sleep,Normal +2251,"Damn it, my f is down again",Normal +32584,check out the silverware.,Normal +30799,"next saturday, i'm going to have a party.",Normal +43952,in my bed trying helplessly to breathe out of my nose without coming across the itchy need to sneeze allergy suck many thing,Normal +41731,caitlinoconnor i want taco and margarhitas telll gay i say hello lt,Normal +4094,me da ternura,Normal +4034,"Age 25 has 100 million? This text actually makes us insecure, indeed, education ""in general"" teaches us to form a mature career, and it is very rare or even rare that it can erase prestige and feel ""enough"",",Normal +28066,"Well, not big but petty. Look, I live around the area of my assaulters. If I ever run into them, I wish I could yell out,” rapist! You know what you did!” I wish there would be witnesses and that they’d get to think about it. Gosh, I know.",Normal +42844,i m in pain,Normal +44619,might go hiking in the big thicket in a couple week what monster are supposed to be in this area chupacabra i hope not,Normal +31883,"i mean, keep your belongings close to you.",Normal +3383,Eid thursday or friday,Normal +31890,i can add two and two.,Normal +3445,When do I stop going to the doctor zzzzzz,Normal +3715,Trading 900k IA:hello(s)! #royalehighdiamonds #rhdiamonds #rhhalos #royalehigh #rhtrade #royalehightrade #rhtrades #rhtrading #royalehightrading #rhtradings #rhselling #royalehighselling,Normal +32377,she's got a great personality.,Normal +28124,"Hi Everyone, We're starting a company that will be operating in the self-help space. Put shortly, we are developing a research-based training program that educates users about the science of well-being and how to integrate the principles into their own lives. We will be providing tools that are both educational and immediately actionable, such as books, YouTube videos, and web-based learning modules. To make this effective, we need some information about your perception of the self-help field, prior knowledge of it, and current approach to your own well-being.",Normal +1294,"I haven't showered yet, give me motivation to take a shower",Normal +3095,Frio p krl,Normal +32465,we went to a nice restaurant.,Normal +41922,my pookie ha a uti i have to be nurse gabbie and get him back to 00 no more soda,Normal +28489,"This battle has been in the making for years. It is now that the tension, the desperation for a resolution comes to a head. It is in this moment that I declare that there will be violence between me and I until one of us lay upon the ground in defeat. I will no longer accept the status quo that exists. An existence that is questionable “mediocre” at best, for with all my highs come so many lows.",Normal +42076,nachojohnny brian don t make me fuck u up lol i replied ur message did u get my i miss u,Normal +6386,to dice to ripeo el jyp,Normal +28931,"Old Man Gotama told his followers 2,500 years ago that those who are hurt are *burning* with self-pity, terror or revenge. Fast forward to about 75 years ago: Old men in universities told *their* followers that everything we do is the result of what we think and feel. By 1965 or so, Albert Ellis was using his grasp of that to dismantle the *thoughts* that kept us imprisoned in... self-pity, terror and revenge. A whole new way of psychotherapy came into being. It was called ""cognitivism.""",Normal +28985,"That was enough back then. Matt was always great at hiding his ailments. I never even knew how hard his life had been; how many times he had been in and out of the hospital. He hid it from everybody extremely well. But now he's older, and he's not hiding it so well anymore.",Normal +5002,uniqlo collection ut jujutsu kaisen ???? uuhuh,Normal +33580,only 15 percent of the voters turned out.,Normal +42382,so far i have on all my site put together most of them were me checking out the update i made,Normal +6733,Quiet morning. It's weird Monday like this. There must be a shrimp behind the stone,Normal +30237,"i know what you mean, but i'd rather be cold than hot.",Normal +42104,inyoureyes 0 i reckon,Normal +1731,"guys, the right one is 1.71 not 1.7l TRY TO CHECK THE TEMPLETE FIRST",Normal +5159,Stupid people's mistakes corrected by smart people,Normal +1068,"Everyone has made mistakes, our job is to fix all our mistakes so that we can be better",Normal +1908,"When the one who leaves gives you 100 reasons to cry, show him that you have 1000 reasons to smile.",Normal +31171,i always try to be polite.,Normal +35917,Mmm mummy's culinary skills has been improving. Smells so good! i'm loving home cooked food!,Normal +2694,yuhsww,Normal +32622,"only about $30,000.",Normal +4058,"Mashallah, Allahuma Barik ™ ¾",Normal +44407,can t smell tyson any more,Normal +5167,âwhat do you need? just dm me,Normal +33461,what do you mean?,Normal +4624,#Retweet if you're Cherlyder,Normal +42784,hoping i can get some decent sleep tonight since i didn t get any worth shittt last night goodnight world xoxo,Normal +3706,"I'm sorry I didn't watch it last night, it's gone.",Normal +32216,i thought they were playing under a dome.,Normal +44254,kristenkreuk fiuhh nice to get info from you i m one of your fan from indonesia and still waiting for your movie in my country thanx,Normal +6687,"Ya Allah, the stick of the devil, where else do I need a mole",Normal +1676,Poor Bert.,Normal +3924,"Is there time to mature us. I hope there is still a heart to talk. Could it be unraveled one by one. The previous dispute, as I asked.",Normal +1697,"""Tired of fighting because of low menstruation"" ..-___-",Normal +45244,samshepherd darn i don t seem to be very good at this,Normal +32405,cats have beautiful eyes.,Normal +31257,"yes, just like fruit that is too ripe.",Normal +31841,but the show will be over.,Normal +2438,it's not clear if anjir asked to share but I didn't get a reply,Normal +3502,"Fasting again for the first time after menstruation, I've been tested, just told to do monthly shopping. I hope it's not as hot outside as it was back then, it's really bad ”",Normal +3517,it is observed that on the 3rd of Eid my mother is not nervous about being busy ²,Normal +3533,"I don't use the diary anymore, sg tbz hahahaha I don't know what to write",Normal +44292,i don t know how to use this thing and my stupid picture won t upload,Normal +30358,tell me how she looks.,Normal +5178,WHO OPENS PO VOL 16,Normal +4138,"forget the thrill when you want to drop, sad..",Normal +6973,JYP RIPEO SI O NO?,Normal +5951,"'ƒSPOTIFY PREMIUM INPLAN.ACTIVATION / RENEWAL . .1 month: 20k.2 month: 28k.3 month: 38k.4 month: 48k.6 month: 60k. .📌use customer/random email, full guarantee.ðŸ'¸ OVO/GOPAY/Shopeepay/DANA/QRIS",Normal +30879,that was mean to say.,Normal +27376,"I'm just blown away by this doctor's willingness to help. I feel so validated every time I leave his office, like someone actually understands what I'm struggling with, and I don't have to convince them of my mental illness. Bottom line? Research docs if you can online, read their reviews and don't give up until you find someone who treats you the way you deserve. If I can do this, I promise you can!",Normal +36223,RT @BKSportsTalk: Glass half full/glass half empty: This #Mizzou team is legitimately pretty good. If you go by Sports Reference’s “simple…,Normal +28373,Original frustrating moment: Writing this so y'all can see what kind of people I'm dealing with! I called up the non-profit this morning to ask if I can use another identification document instead of my birth certificate because getting a BC from the clerks dept in my town cost $28 which I don't have. I asked for the girl that I talked to yesterday since she would know what my situation is but the gentlemen who answered the phone told me that she nor her supervisor was in and that I should call back on Monday and talk to Cassandra or her supervisor to reschedule my appointment that was set up for this morning. Ok I said then hung up.,Normal +35927,"@MarkusLarockus Ha ha I started something with the Rocquestar thing, didn't I??",Normal +36670,Data.gov comes to life! (even in the form of a jpeg image - all great things start like that ) http://data.gov/,Normal +30275,the sky looks so clean after it rains. i love it.,Normal +44066,got the brainbone daily question wrong http apps facebook com brainbone stats 9 ref tw,Normal +44149,thomassonora i had the same problem poken error,Normal +3082,"After Eid Al-Fitr, you have to take it for um and pk genti™„ðŸ˜",Normal +42296,home for spring break no one is home tho,Normal +36342,RT @LSUBonnette: Had a feeling it was going to be a great day got to meet John Stockton before the game,Normal +4462,hiiii how are you? Is the fast going smoothly? ..-Rein.,Normal +33361,i know that we need milk.,Normal +29996,"Participation is completely voluntary. If you are interested in participating, you will complete an online screener to see if you qualify to participate. If you qualify, you will complete a variety of questionnaires online. The study will involve four online assessments over the next month that should take about 40-50min to complete and you will be compensated up to $70 in online gift cards to Amazon. A few important things to know about the study are:",Normal +43494,morning twitterati large coffee and a bath on top of today list first appt 0am then load of desk work,Normal +29711,"I plan on putting these essays either in my portfolio or a separate writing site as soon as I finish them, so you'd probably get in trouble for plagiarizing if your teacher uses a plagiarism detection tool (which most do these days). Hope y'all have a wonderful day and evening! ​ Update: Thanks for all the wonderful ideas! I'm looking forward to brainstorming them all and seeing which ones are the best fit for me!",Normal +2591,Imong part tos sgd shuta ka jizan ™ƒ,Normal +42645,where s derrick http ff im xwxs,Normal +3097,"When your cigarettes are different, please share, I'll try one.",Normal +30746,is that right? i already got my invitation from her earlier.,Normal +6068,Watching: KAWAJI ZONE+,Normal +30528,what type of music do you like to listen to?,Normal +1461,"your spirit to support dream's child 'ªðŸ »ðŸ˜‡ he became rich, I became poor too ”",Normal +2585,I want to tell you a little about my cat's birth,Normal +27846,"She told me she was excited, I was just more enthusiastic about it. I let it go, and we went out with friends for new years. I still felt this distance. New years morning we woke up, I rolled over and told her that I wanted 2018 to be the year we really focus on us, that I was excited to keep working on getting us to a good place. She didn't seem to care.",Normal +45381,shedfire mrsshedfire been taking picture of you without your shirt bleeeech,Normal +30181,"In case this is the first time you're reading this post... We are looking for people who are willing to complete some online questionnaires about employment and well-being which we hope will help us to improve services for assisting people with mental health difficulties to obtain and retain employment. We are developing an employment questionnaire for people with personality disorders; however we are looking for people from all backgrounds to complete it. That means you do not need to have a diagnosis of personality disorder – you just need to have an interest in completing the online questionnaires. The questionnaires will only take about 10 minutes to complete online. For your participation, we’ll donate £1 on your behalf to a mental health charity (Young Minds: Child & Adolescent Mental Health, Mental Health Foundation, or Rethink).",Normal +33042,i did.,Normal +3602,jj later tonight or later in the afternoon send bubbles to congratulate dreamies😎 amen🥺â,Normal +42621,gripping agreed love the sound but hate how everyone know them,Normal +4736,"I think many people have brought it to rl when locked grgr, you know, grgr plagiarism WKEJEKWKWKWKWK",Normal +33513,"boy, it's chilly outside, isn't it?",Normal +37009,now time for mouse to mouse pad for a long long night ahead! this is how you know you love it!,Normal +2045,cineslai,Normal +3465,I woke up very happy because I had a dream kissing Harry's hand at a concert🤗,Normal +43026,markress understand that we are all busy i can only tweet after work,Normal +42340,bout to start poor linny couldn t keep her eye open she tired and ha to work tomorrow morning night ilovefatsusan,Normal +6547,A best friend is someone we can sit with in the cradle and cradle together without saying a word and then walk home feeling that it was the greatest conversation we have ever had.,Normal +5837,Beautiful Ningsih can't be angry,Normal +37583,"Just broke 10,000 in Xbox 360 Achievements",Normal +44453,incredibly immensely indecisive,Normal +33728,he didn't give you any medication?,Normal +29567,"I didn't phone a crisis line again, it was daylight by this point so I phoned the therapist. She talked me down for an hour, and got me to agree to go into my social workers office since I still couldn't calm down. She gave me a free appointment the next day. But when I went to it, though sympathetic, she made it clear I had to commit to stop drinking if we were going to get any meaningful work done. She said she wouldn't abandon me, she would sit with me, but that she couldn't ""be"" with me, affected as I was by the alcohol.",Normal +42704,offbytwo seeing a doctor i hope,Normal +2618,WHAT TO SAY TO DREAMIES ±â€¼ï¸,Normal +1584,"Place: 12:34:57, 13.75C.",Normal +32005,yes. i bought a cadillac.,Normal +44655,tombot oh dear that mean i won t be driven away to do something more productive,Normal +3410,It's good if you get soto ©,Normal +2696,"you only live once...don't be afraid to be yourself, be alone, and love yourself.",Normal +2232,Bm seafood. There is no seafood in the Tembalang area,Normal +29758,"Sorry previous post deleted as I didn't include relationship length. As title says. I have enough money to buy a house, my girlfriend has only just started working. It seems to make financial sense for me to go ahead and make the purchase- I'd be paying toward my mortgage instead of rent and my girlfriend can stay and pay cheaper rent. However, when I spoke to her.",Normal +6604,aaargh!!.i hate my mind.🤣🤣🤣,Normal +30904,i think we should really do something sometime.,Normal +31898,why not?,Normal +37055,Disneyland was great! ... Got to go and pick up the kitties in a minute ... ?,Normal +31717,of course. it's all over the news.,Normal +832,"Buy a lekbong dress, it's often very feminine to wear, it's scary, my shoulders are big. The butt stomach doesn't matter, it's more embarrassing to have wider shoulders than stomach £",Normal +4265,"Koncoku looks smart, but why don't you know how to win the NBA po Serie A?",Normal +5971,hannahgarreeeeettttt,Normal +1644,"Is it late? .Ava month, let's be mutual, help like/rt it~~ eomma fb later ^^",Normal +32792,why not? everyone knows he's a firebug. he loves to start fires.,Normal +3691,"Bj! Need someone who can type a list of drugs + prices are entered in the table in word, drop v pls",Normal +45055,ugh what a waste of hour,Normal +5020,"Stupid.. Detectives are humans too, not God who knows everything - Shinichi",Normal +951,"I really want when the pandemic is over (amen) after that, go for a walk, just one day is enough. The important thing is to be able to have a picnic again to get rid of fatigue :(",Normal +43464,love to get drunk just not by himself,Normal +44745,frumph i d hug you too poor frumph,Normal +2332,Why is it so easy for humans to ignore the expectations of other humans? You can still act normal. Hopefully kept away from this kind of human™,Normal +31068,"i gave her $1,000 for her birthday. i told her to spend it on herself.",Normal +3481,"Just looked at the study table, but ...... Hahaha continue",Normal +31037,but i love pizza.,Normal +28433,"The survey will only take about 5 to 10 minutes and all we ask is that you are at least 18 years old and only fill out the survey once! We are hoping to reach 1000 responses but the more the merrier, so please also spread it among your friends and family! Feel free to comment below if you have any questions and I’ll try my best to answer them. Here’s the link: Edit: I've already posted this to r/SampleSize, but if anyone else know a good sub to send this to, please let me know!",Normal +33741,it's on the tip of my finger.,Normal +33870,don't let water get into any of the cracks.,Normal +30404,i got a promotion at my job.,Normal +3919,"it's quiet, lio wants to ask mutuals",Normal +45035,foilly oh no that s a shame you ll have to find them the next time tim pass through or organise a sydney feeter convention,Normal +32680,but i'm worried about tiger.,Normal +36920,Happieee birthday to our anni #AarthiSivaKarthikeyan 💕😍,Normal +3756,"Everything is designed. Not by me and by you, but by God",Normal +42752,argh ive eaton so so much today,Normal +45331,mandy moore quot cry quot http twt fm 009 quot a walk to remember quot by far my favorite movie so sad i cried like a baby,Normal +2919,"I can't understand how stupid they are? The feeling of ghozwah stories, even the first crusade, no one attacked when others were worshiping",Normal +27683,"I have been an avid Redditor for 4 years but unfortunately don't have the 1000+ karma needed to post on r/Borrow. I would pay $1200 ($1000 + $200 interest) in return by August 24 or earlier. Although I will (hopefully) receiving my stipend by the 6th, I know for a fact I will be receiving my scholarships for fall semester/my first paycheck from my job at home on or before the 24th, so this is just an added safety net in case the stipend takes extra time to process. I'm willing to provide any lender with the relevant personal information in a private message, and will keep in contact as much as necessary until the money is paid back (PayPal woud be best, but I'm open to other options as long as they are available in this country). Thanks for reading!",Normal +41494,switchfoot http twitpic com y zl awww that s a bummer you shoulda got david carr of third day to do it d,Normal +5102,oh my bm birthday already,Normal +44151,mushyv ahhhhh that hoff programme sounded class i fuckin missed it hope there s a repeat innit,Normal +3885,"Lebaran vibes, there's been a lot of gangsters haha",Normal +2661,Mootsss my height increased by 1cm😎,Normal +1075,"If the album can be almost 2M, the MV doesn't work can it be more!!! .SPIRIT OF NCTZEN STREAMING LATER",Normal +6059,"A GREAT PERSON will not bounce when insulted / insulted, even he will continue to smile, be patient and pray for the good",Normal +2617,"Ges, can you eat in your dreams or not, I can't I want to eat with nails, spill, wake up, etc., there's a problem",Normal +33384,"yes, all the markets just started offering wipes to shoppers.",Normal +36618,Thanks @unltdworld and @danlehner for the Enternships.com plugs,Normal +43482,i dont understand i didnt mean to break anyones heart,Normal +41701,mysteezradio i m goin to follow u since u didn t lol go angel,Normal +36300,"@cakeandcommerce it was one of Hugh's at Eastern Standard, but it's definitely one I'll be planning on making myself in the future",Normal +2738,no one wants to drop this template on my acc... so few,Normal +44390,craigelder proof reading defra greener living fund bid only a govt dept could have a grant application deadline this close to easter,Normal +42956,skunkie sorry i guess sarcasm is hard to show in 0 character,Normal +33538,and they were expensive houses.,Normal +42167,morning bah car won t start waiting for the anwb,Normal +43383,okay i m sorry that wa mean i m not nice,Normal +3981,The stressful class of 22 is thinking about the fit and here's to get together :),Normal +33531,so why are we selling our house?,Normal +2942,niga nomu acawo rip,Normal +42080,daniela 9 my english professor would be ashamed,Normal +1436,we love ni-ki,Normal +6971,hi this is dobbyslala doyoung's match if you forget....,Normal +1787,"Geology is bad, bro?",Normal +32914,yes?,Normal +2672,"—£ï¸ : just get closer when you're not busy.. ""When you're not busy (busy), where can you go?""",Normal +1092,"duel, you sucked the exhaust out bro ™ˆ",Normal +32875,no one believes that the crime rate is going down.,Normal +2302,I'm excited today,Normal +3435,Kenya is weak as shit #RHOReunion,Normal +33270,i'm sure everything will be okay in a day or two.,Normal +42087,not feeling well and back hurt,Normal +43556,leaving koh tao start of journey back to bangkok http twitpic com y uv,Normal +5160,I'm really tired of dreaming,Normal +5934,"The pen makes halu2 wae with my son, but with my grandfather, don't shshshsh",Normal +4188,gomo,Normal +13911,"Crying as a write this. I am just not good at anything. I just realized how much of a loser life i live. Its so fucking boring. The only time someone wanted to talk to me over the phone and i ruined it, i have no social skills, no ambitions to talk about, the phone calls are less than 5 minutes. I would not want to listen to me either. I am just not good at anything, not good enough for anything. I am going to kill myself this year I just cry so much",Suicidal +16849,"They left for a honeymoon and they will be gone for a week. it is the perfect amount of time where I can finish up my notes, and kill myself. I already have the method. I do not know. Something about me finally having had enough and ending it while they are off in paradise gives me some sort of relief. They would be having the time of their life and they would not even know till they got home a week later. My parents are both gone for a week and I think I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +21767,"I wish i could live in a burrow at least. Id have too much time worrying about predators, fetching food and protecting my young from storms to want to kms this bad I wish i was a rat",Suicidal +21432,"I am honestly ok with dying. I am willing to go through that pain to get to where i want to, and my plan is not that painful anyway (carbon monoxide suffocation, maybe with sleeping pills so i can driff off to sleep and never come back, i will not feel a thing)but I am scared ill do it wrong. I am scared i might mess up or i accidentally survive or something and i know life after that point will be completely different and worse because ill have to go to therapy or some shit and i do not want to do that. i do not want to fix myselfthats one of the biggest things keeping me from committing die :) so now I am just stuck in a loop of confusion suffering and wishing that i do not wake up the next morning :)have a good day you all not scared of death OR dying, but scared of surviving",Suicidal +20018,"is it normal to have intrusive thoughts about suicide? The weird thing is, unlike my other intrusive thoughts, these are the only ones I enjoy and actively try think about too. Its getting daily at this point so I just want to know, is this normal? Intrusive Thoughts",Suicidal +7719,"I am stuck in loop of traumatic thinking. I normally think about suicide at least once a day, but its constant right now, it does not leave my mind for more than about 10 minutes. I am just constantly imagining killing myself in brutal, vivid detail. For instance, one of the thoughts that keeps popping up is that I want to shoot myself in the head and its like I can *feel* the cold steel of a gun against my head or on the roof of my mouth and my finger squeezing the trigger, even what it would feel like when the bullet pierces my skull. And that just one scenario. In others I slit my throat or my wrists or a whole myriad of other things.I cannot escape thinking about it and I feel like actually doing it would be less traumatic than the thoughts I am having. I do not want to fucking be here right now, I do not know why I am, I guess I am just too weak to do it right now. I wish I had a gun. I hate being alive, I do not want to live. I just do not have a reliable enough way to kill myself. I hate my brain, it insists on feeling like shit all the time and never getting better no matter what I try, now it wants to traumatise me so everythings even worse and it cannot even come up with a way to let me kill myself so I do not have to put up with this anymore. My own thoughts are traumatising me",Suicidal +26309,I am currently driving to a large bridge. I am going to jump. I have reached out for help but I feel like my life is in shambles too much to repair it. This seems like the only way out. I am sorry to my loved ones. I am on my way to jump,Suicidal +7437,"Tried of consciousness , I do not want it Just want it all to stop",Suicidal +14511,Thanks for offering support Probably going to try to overdose and write my note tomorrow,Suicidal +16333,I have had a pretty cushy life. And yet despite that I have squandered nearly every opportunity I have been given and fantasized or felt anxious about things that do not matter at all. Almost every major choice I make has led me further down I path that is increasingly hard to come back from. I just want out. I know I am a disappointment. I hate myself and nearly every decision I make.,Suicidal +9981,"it is really fucking annoying to be perceived as crazy because of one dumbass word.Every opinion i ever form, every sentence i say that people do not like is dismissed because I am ""crazy"" and ""schizophrenic"". I wish my first attempt worked before i was forced into therapy. I hate knowing nobody in my life takes me seriously Perception",Suicidal +37437,But I'm just a motherfucker that want to be dead,Suicidal +15557,"I see a lot of posts about relationships issues, divorce, cheating, and just struggles with suicidal thoughts from intimacy. I read them, but I know there is nothing I can actually say to make it better. I have been through it. it is hell. Nothing anyone can do makes it better. You just have to get through it yourself over time. So anyone of you who are lost, I am sorry. I know it is hell, and all I have for you is good luck. We head you. No one deserves to be alone. Breakups",Suicidal +21958,"In '86, I fell in love with a beautiful, extremely troubled man, named Joe. At 20, he was already a hard- core alcoholic, & had been thrown out of every elementary school in the area by 5th grader. His father was a Veteran who survived the beaches of Normandy, but who was as abusive & horrible to Joe as he could have been. What happened over the next 12 years, is that I began drinking & clubbing, & sometimes doing other things, while Joe stalked me, even after I moved 2,000 miles away from him, he accosted a cousin of mine, & made her give him my number! I was 8 months pregnant with my son, & he called me!! So, obviously, we were all the stereotypical catchphrases, & when I really hit bottom in Colorado, I told my parents to come get Liam, because I was not in shape to be the Mom he deserved, & I went back to Joe. 2 wks later, he did THAT, not 15 feet from where I was sitting. I have been on medication for anxiety and depression since BEFORE that, & I have been able to get clean & sober, my son's finishing his Bachelors degree in teaching, & I thought I would put that behind me...then, out of nowhere, I saw pictures of him online, & I am back to the day after he died. I do not know how to get through this grief, it is bad enough that I have graphic dreams since the day it happened, NOW I have NO CONTROL OVER WHEN THE THOUGHTS SHOW UP: it is LIKE POISON IN MY BLOOD!!! Why NOW???",Suicidal +27111,"Are we in Hell? In order to survive in this world we must murder and devour another life form (plant, animal, insect). We have forgotten this because now other people do that for us but we cannot survive unless we do that. So if god is so much loving as he claims to be why would he create such an horrible place where we all have to kill each other to survive? Plus why is life so cruel for so many of us? This system only favor a few at the top and the rest are thrash basically. And look who are the richest people alive. All of them are assholes who built their fortune by exploiting dirt cheap labor in under developed countries. It feels like the only way to come on top of the food chain is to be the ultimate asshole. And the last thing, if we somehow disagree with this system and do not want to be part of it, the only way out seems to be suicide, which is a very painful and traumatic way to end it. So most of us hate this place but we stay alive because suicide is very painful and traumatic. And really who knows if the pain stops after death? Because that is another thing... we do not even know why we are here and what is next. Are we in Hell?",Suicidal +18543,i cannot anymore. i hate myself and i hate being alive I am going to kill myself in august,Suicidal +15349,I am really not sure if what I did was my fault?Previously I had a suicide attempt and on that night I was talking to him about why I wanted to and that I would miss him. I talked about my friends not trusting me and he thought I was referring to a secret that he said he had but refused to tell me. He then says 'do you want me to tell you so I say yes seeing as he made it sound like he had a permanent mental illness and was endangered. He then tells me the secret and it is something quite different and now he is saying that I forced him to do it and he regrets it even tho he says he is happy to tell me which makes no sense. &#x200B;I have not spoken to him in days and he is my only friend and he is being so selfish he just misinterpreted my words which made him tell me and none of this is my fault from my perspective? I am just really not sure and want it all to end. My friend acts like I leverage my suicide attempt to manipulate him.,Suicidal +8115,"Kind of hard to explain in full detail, but I kind of always thought I was a worthless piece of shit but also thought ""hey I am kind of better than other people at this one thing"" which was useful as a job so I figured I would just tough life out so my parents would not be sad and all that stuff. But recently I realized that no, actually, you are not very good at your job, you should have been fired years ago, you cannot get a new job, and you are too useless to do anything else. So my options are essentially to leech off my parents for my whole life or be homeless. Or, possibly, constantly get hired on for low wage menial work and be fired within a few weeks for sucking. I choose option 4 as I do not see any value in life anyway. My desire to not have my parents be sad is no longer strong enough to keep me here. Too bad for them that they took the chance and had a child. I am only partially delaying as the method I have chosen could be dangerous to people so I am trying to figure out how to avoid anyone getting hurt. It should be quick and relatively painless though. I just need a very empty space or something to counteract the toxicity after I perish. Of course I would prefer to have nembutal but getting your hands on it is such a hassle and it is hard to be sure you are actually getting nembutal if you try to get it from seedy sources. I bought a shit ton of candy and sweets and am enjoying eating them though, probably actually truly enjoying them for the first time in my life since I am no longer thinking ""boy I should not be eating this crap."" Pretty Sure I will Kill Myself Soon",Suicidal +11585,"so I am 14 and right when 2021 started, i moved schools, i was pretty sad mostly because i would not be able to talk to my friends in person and stuff, but i stayed positive. for the first couple days nobody talked to me, and I thought that was normal because it happens often, but they will eventually talk to me right? and so these first days became weeks, then became months, and I have been in this school for 7 months and I have no friends, I have tried to talk to people, which is really fucking hard for me, I am really bad at socializing and talking to people, and whenever i talked to someone, i feel like they just talk to me out of pity, I have just been really sad, my parents do not take it seriously, and i do not really have anyone to talk about this with, I have thought about suicide, I do not think I would ever actually do it, but I think of it alot and I really hate the fact that nobody takes me seriously on this, my mom thinks I am doing it for attention, and my father thinks the same. I think I am just not a good person to be around, and I just felt like saying this to someone. sorry if there are any typos, my country's first language is not english. just felt like saying this to someone",Suicidal +21896,"It has become clear to me we are headed towards major crises and they are going to blow up soon.Government changes in South America, the possibility of civil war and violent revolution. Losing my loved ones. Disasters from climate shenanigans. Major global powers turning more hostile.Even if we all make it out alive. The coming new governments would probably be radical and make any of the things we enjoyed, directly or indirectly, impossible to enjoy ever again.If everything is headed to shit, why even bother living right now.I wish I could just grab everyone I know and agree to just collectively end our existence as to not worry about the future anymore. Societal collapse",Suicidal +36573,"@slxmdunk,United Kingdom,@Pamaj what hapens if i dont want to be here anymore?",Suicidal +18793,"After having spent weeks lying in bed trying to consider the logistics of hanging myself in my basement and worrying about who will feed my cat, I finally talked to my doctor. Hes changed my meds and hes trying to rush my referral to a psychologist. I am feeling better now. I have not thought about killing myself for a few days. If you guys have not all ready, please reach out for help. I know how bad this head space sucks. Suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +15089,"My life always fucking sucked overall. But still, people keep adding up and adding up shit.Closest person I am to exaggerated about having a cancer. For god sakes. It pushed me over the edge and now I am being a cunt for wanting to kill myself over the amount of stress that I no longer want to face.After all I have been through in my life I cannot even get some understanding.I am fuckimg fed up. I will end my life soon. So fucking soon. And I am writing this as a fucking testimony of what I am about to do. People cannot tell I have not fucking warned them. The last fucking straw",Suicidal +12936,I do not want to die but I do not want to keep living this shitty life and i feel like I cannot change my circumstances for 5+ years. I do not think Ill make it. Stuck,Suicidal +21221,"Tonight, right now, I am going to try to talk to the last people who I can believe. I am going to prepare everything. Set 999 as my speed dial. Do the last things that make me happy. Cut deeper then I ever have. Mark all of my body but my right arm. My face, legs, torso, arm. Everything. I will be prepared, almost like a sacrifice. And, in 4 hours or less, die....My name is Adam. I am 13 years old and have faced most things that this torture has. My whole life is a lie, and I tried opening up last week. I was immediately betrayed. I think one of my closest friends has killed themselves earlier tonight. I envy them. I would like to disappear so nobody has a reason to get pity points, because fuck them. 5 years ago my brother raped me twice. My brother also assaulted me and my sister 8 months ago with a knife. I do not want to continue. I do not know why others live. Goodnight and goodbye. This is my last night. My Plan/Note tw:rape, suicide, self harm, abuse, everything.",Suicidal +25170,"No point leaving all my accounts up, mainly for privacy I guess. Not that I am going to know any different but feels like something I should do? Idk I want to scrub my social media in preparation but have no idea where to start",Suicidal +21654,I feel like I am getting worse. I started posting recently about this. I feel so terrible almost all the time. My brain has so much fog I cannot think straight anymore and I keep pushing people away . I think about dying very often nothing planned or concrete but the thought is there a lot. So much so that (like I mentioned in a different post) I feel like I am tied to railroad tracks and the train is coming. I cannot avoid the thoughts very well they just come at will and I cannot stop fixating on the idea. I just want to feel alright at some point its exhausting which only makes every thing worse Thoughts,Suicidal +10559,Time to kill myself cannot even get dick up in the club,Suicidal +12666,"The pain of existence is just not worth it.There is nothing to gain, everything to lose. I do not understand why anybody wants to stay alive",Suicidal +9487,i want to leave this earth so bad. i just cannot put my mom through the trauma of finding her only daughter like that in my room. i feel like she would never be the same and she lost her mom recently as well. its like i have no escape. if i planned an accident or something its like i cannot imagine her getting that call. my mom,Suicidal +17677,"My coworkers and friends think I actively practice boxing/kickboxing.... but these black eyes, cuts, and lumpy forehead are from punching myself in the face. The Boxing Lie",Suicidal +23560,"So today at work around lunch my girlfriend broke up with me and blocked me on everything and told me to leave her alone I had been holding tears back all day and the second I got off I got in my car crying, went to a close parking lot and I have been here bawling for well over an hour she is been one of my only best friends as well as my girlfriend for the better part of 2.5 years and I do not know how I am going to get through this I have already been having suicidal thoughts/actions for a while now and I think this just might be the tipping point. And it is not just thoughts either. Since I put my hand through a glass door and was minutes from dying and lost nearly all use of my hand, I can feel my thoughts vividly like driving full speed and just letting go of the steering wheel and many MANY more. I still get nightmares about that night and keep myself up most nights in pain. The paramedics, cops, ER and trauma unit staff, doctors and nurses all told me and my parents that I should be put into intensive therapy and my parents never cared to. its been over two years (before my now ex, who was the only one who really know and helped me so much) and now I think its boiled over more than ever and I just cannot do this anymore I have no one and nothing left I am sorry to everyone I let down I cannot do this anymore..",Suicidal +20167,I spent 3 months without taking medication and I was freaking out here at home my mother managed to get me out of the house and take me to the psychiatrist again.. I started taking it slowly but the doctor changed the medication I feel less worse now maybe happy I hope to get well soon :3 Maybe,Suicidal +10476,"Sorry big rant : So I have had depression for almost 6 years, or I would consider it depression I never had it diagnosed or anything but I have lost all motivation and attempted suicide a few times, I still self harm time to time when I feel really shitty but I have never really told anyone, the only people I have told have only also reflected how they have self harmed too and that their problems are worse than mine. I am 16, I have found better friends but I realized I am left out a lot, they have all been friends for years and I am new to their group, my depressions gotten better since I started recovering from my alopecia which I had since I was 8, but I feel as though my problems should not be even mentioned to them even though I know I need someone to talk to, their family issues are far worse than mine and whenever I mention something I am going through, they seem to ignore or brush it off, and whenever I support their problems I realize that they have it worse and I feel as though I should not talk to them about anything I am going through because it would only stress them more. I love them and they are good friends and so kind but I just think I am drowning alone I do not feel like my problems are as important",Suicidal +24157,"If I die it will because too much pain to those around me so I just could not do that although I think about it everyday, I just do not see the point in this shit anymore.I have a great life, I have supportive parents that I have good relationships with, I have wealth and do not have to worry about money, I am almost upto date with all my school work but this is not me bragging I just feel ungrateful because I want to throw it all away. I just wish I never existed and never entered everyone is life or that someone could take over my life that would appreciate it more than me. I do not have any reason to be sad yet here I am sad everyday living my life pretending I am ok so nobody around me has to worry about me. I do not think I am pushed to suicide yet as I think 1% of me likes to believe things will get better but it is been like this for 6 years and I do not know if I can do another 6 of it, at that point it is like what is the point in living if nothing gets better. For the trolls that tell people to kill themselves fuck you. do not want to die but I wish I never existed",Suicidal +17652,I been gone for a while but life is back up to its bull shit I am so tired of being alive the curse of life continues I am back,Suicidal +16014,"Meds or nothing help me, I sometimes think my life is suppose to be like this.I do not know what to say, life sucks. No matter what I do to try to find some happiness nothing works. Is there anyway to stop thinking about suicide? Its eating me alive, everyday its all I think about, every-time something happens bad in my life I just tell myself Ill end up killing myself so who cares.",Suicidal +20435,"My clown of a dad managed to pressure me into confessing i want to kms and now I am closer than ever. He told me about how he had to cope with his dad dying when he was 14 as if that makes my experience less valid and starts talking about how he doesent ""understand that gender stuff and neither do you"" basically saying he thinks I am delusional then stormed out of the car slamming the door after claiming I had never seen him angry. Absolutely comical I am close",Suicidal +8143,"does not seem like a bad idea, just grab a couple dozen energy drinks and a couple pots of coffee and chug them all down in one go. That cardiac arrest is probably going to hurt like a MF, but my will to live is growing weaker by the day. What is the point of living anymore, I am tired of nightmares every night and the real world. Nicotine overdose might work too. How many cigarettes ad vapes would it take to kill ya? Maybe alcohol would be the better way to go, just get like fifty beers or something maybe a hundred. How bout them other drugs? Not that I have access to them, but that would be nice. I know it is not funny to joke about this kind of stuff, if I did not fear death or the possibility of there being an afterlife, I would be gone in a flash. Well I guess I am slowly killing myself by smoking, so maybe I should stop that. Not that I want to, but I do not want some higher power being like ""hmm, you smoked them cigarettes being fully aware what they do to you? Okay time to send another form of your consciousness to an even worse place MWHAHAHAHA"" Not calling it God, the abrahamic deity called God is so fucking childish, if there was really a creator or high power of some sort, it would not be some dude that said humans were in the image of him, getting angry and jealous, and having three different forms yet saying they are all one. Maybe there is no creator or higher power and the pre-existent bigbang has always existed. I do not know dudes, but I am sick of living, but I do not want to kill myself then become something else within the universe or reality and have dark energy push ""me"" into an even worse place(or I do not know how dark matter dark energy works but something like that) I feel like I am cursed to suffer for all of eternity already. we are already in hell dudes, is it possible to climb the ladder and find the kingdom of heaven from within, I have no idea, but I guess I will try again. Maybe some meditation or something will help me, this world so fucked up yo. How could I possibly know I have not been existent an infinite amount of times? Can you try to think back to what you/it were like before you were born? You cannot, or at least I cannot. Maybe this is really the first time for existence to occur, but there are theories for infinite universes so I do not know. If the universe is possible, then I guess anything is possible. Maybe I am the only one that exists and all of you and everything else is an illusion with my brain and senses acting as filters and playing tricks on me, or maybe I am part of that illusion as well. who is fucking dream is this world? Or is this dream/illusion just self reliant on its own with no one or thing to dream it. An illusion implies that there is an opposite of that like a factuality or actuality or something idk. I am fearful of the unknown, and I do not know anything. I do not have the courage to go through with it. I guess I am not starving in a third world country or enslaved in human trafficking so it could be worse I suppose, I am a whiny kid with a smartphone acting like a little bitch, but I do have my own problems I will not lie. No friends, no partner, work all the time. Idk man. Caffeine overdose.",Suicidal +21254,"I have already made up my mind. Unless I can switch bodies miraculously I am living on borrowed time. Really, I do not know why I have not killed myself sooner. I am useless and have no achievements but that is not what bugs me. I cannot live with this body. I do not want to do any acceptance self-love crap, I just want to die so I do not have to suffer with this anymore. I am not looking for advice or anything, I am just venting because I have nowhere else to rant off to. I am not depressed either. This is the logical conclusion I have come to that I must end my life. The hardest part right now is finding the right method with the least likelihood of failure and/or mess afterwards. I have already been through a pill overdose which was a shitty attempt but that was two years ago. I am making sure no concerned party calls 911 on me the next time. that is why I am keeping this information from everyone who can stop me. In addition to that, getting 'help' *will* have a worse outcome in my circumstances, believe me. I am already a waste of everyone is resources and my rationale for dying is reinforced through myriad triggers throughout the day. My parents said they would be devastated if something happened to me but I told them that if they really cared about me they would help me find a way to end my suffering for good. They are convinced I just need a med adjustment to feel better but that is not going to fix my gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. it is all bullshit. The kindest thing someone could do for me right now is point me in the right direction to an easy death that will not traumatize anyone. I am past wanting to get help",Suicidal +20534,My fiancee recently broke up with me in the mental institution after my recent suicide attempt. I feel so hurt and heartbroken. I feel like no one's going to love me for who I am. I want to die so badly. I took my antidepressants but they just do not seem to be working. I want to be held and loved again. I want someone to just hold me tight in their arms and say that they love me. All we really want is to just be loved. that is all people really just want. I just need someone that will love me and see me as an amazing human being.,Suicidal +27000,"I have not tried in nearly a year but I have been thinking about it again. My Ex girlfriend have always treated me poorly and I thought I would be bettering myself leaving her but shortly after my father passed away and I am having seconds thoughts. My ex has cheated on me serval times. I do not know how many guys she have sexted but I know she slept with at least 2 other men while I was with her. She lied to everyone about everything she will make up story's just to have something to say. she convince all our friends that I am some monster claiming I would not let her see a few of them she cut ties with herself. she is terrible to me and for me but that does not even matter bc she found a new bf who is apparently better in every way. he is taller, his dick is bigger, and he already made her finish more times then I have. (ik that point sound dumb but I cannot stop thinking about it) at this point I never want to sleep with anyone again out of fear I will just embarrasses myself. After losing my dad I find myself trying to go back to her I just do not have many people. at this point it just my younger sister who cares about me. I have really bad social anxiety so just making new friends does not really work that well. I feel so Alone just lost in thought all day I keep flipping back and forth between never seeing my dad again and how worthless I am. Today is the 4th of July a holiday I use to spend with my dad but I cannot do that now and it killing me ever time I see fireworks I think about all the years we went to the beach and watched them ourselves. I just do not have anyone to talk to about it anymore. I am sorry that I am mostly venting here I just feel like there an easy way to stop this feeling, and I thought maybe saying it would make feel better. Lost",Suicidal +27059,"I once had this psychology professor who was lecturing on depression and how it has biologically evolved from the beginning of our ancestry. She made a statement that still has not left me, which was Some people are meant to die. As hard as it may be to come to terms with, not everyone is meant to live long, fulfilling lives. I am an example of this; as long as I can remember I never belonged anywhere. I do not remember a time where I was not thinking about wanting to kill myself. I feel like my whole life has just been this never-ending cycle of loneliness and disappointment..no matter what I have achieved. I try so hard to be the best person I can be for others and for myself, even though dying is always raging at the back of my mindI fuck everything up. I ruin things. I am not good enough because I just was not meant to be. I have tried to kill myself three times and even managed to fuck that up. It would be better for everyone else if I was no longer around. The verbal abuse I receive at home and at work is never ending, consistently reminding me of how much I do not belong. My friends love me, but the stakes are low for them, always at arms length and never going out of their way really to maintain communication in person, and never keeping plans. I am so tired. Tired of existing on this planet that was never meant for me. My future only consists of misery and loneliness. The future that will not exist because I know when I try for the fourth time, I will not fuck it up. i was meant to die",Suicidal +22374,"I have recently done some things I am not proud of. In fact, I am always a terrible person. I do not what is to blame. My upbringing? Or maybe that is how I really am. Just a cold, spiteful psychopath. I have hurt people, made them upset. I always people are against me, when it is me against other people. Fact is, I am a loser, and I should disappear. I should just, stop",Suicidal +24513,"As the title says, i have been rrying to fit in, but i cantIt is too much for meI just want to give it upTheres a few ppl to care about me, but i just want my suffering to endEven if it means mire pain for others Tired of living, lying and trying to lie to myself that I am okay",Suicidal +11124,"How do I cut off everyone and disappear? Broke, cannot work, lonely, and want to die atm. Tried therapy. Had a job. could not keep it up. Want to die. Help me die. Fuck you platitudes. Thanks. Best way to disappear?",Suicidal +12937,I do not know how much more I can live like this but if I were to explain it I have thick chains wrapped around my limbs and other people can control it. Exept me. I want to take a fucking gun and leave it firing on me. Jesus Christ I do not even know why I am posting this but fuck it what should I do I do not understand what is happening and I feel I need to kill myself very soon,Suicidal +15717,I have this much at my disposal and I think I am going to take them tonight. I hate my life and myself to such an extent that I do not see any point in doing this anymore. I have been thinking about it all day and my thoughts are taking over my mind. Nobody cares. I am alone with when I come into this world and Ill die alone too. Goodbye. 42 grams of paracetamol and 1 gram of prozac.,Suicidal +18541,"I do not think many people saw [my post from earlier this week]( but the tl:dr is: I have been suicidal for a while but especially the last month or so, there is a forest fire raging less than 10 miles from my house, I called the suicide hotline because the fire and the thought of evacuation are making me feel way more ready to actually end myself. The suicide hotline operator told me that she thought I was a prank caller, then implied I should stop calling (because I have called before multiple times), and hung up on me.I thought the fire was bad a few days ago, but its only 2 miles from my house now. The forest service has done nothing to prevent the fire until today, and even right now they will not answer any calls from people in the town, and they only have those bucket-helicopters working and no ground crew (called my aunt who works for the forest service the next town over on the other side of the fire and she filled my family in). They tried to back burn but we do not know how much it helped. there is so much smoke that there were times today you could not even see the sun. I am watching it as I type and I can actually see the trees catching flame from this distance. Its surreal.I have had most of my belongings packed for the last three days in case I really did need to leave, but I am honestly having trouble imagining myself being able to pack up, evacuate, and not kill myself. I was already planning on killing myself at the end of the summer, because ~~I dropped out of college after two semesters and am already going to be stuck in debt until I am dead anyway, and Ill never be able to go back, even if I wanted to. My only source of income will be burned in the fire if my home burns down because its a farm. I am friendless, boyfriendless, I am broke, my family is a mess. I am lonely as hell. I have probably got half a dozen mental problems that I need professional help for, but I am uninsured and broke, and the one therapy session I have gone to she ignored me when I tried to explain my problems and symptoms and just made me answer a mhs questionnaire she read off her computer. And I cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend who killed himself last year.~~ I have got some shitty stuff going on right now and I cannot see myself finding a way out of it besides taking my own life.I cannot wrap my head around the way the suicide hotline operator acted. What the hell did I say or do that made her think my call was disingenuous? Is it because I have called there before? I have before because it really had helped me up to this point to deal with all the horrible things in my life I do not know how to deal with. A few times the calls have felt forced and like the operator was just trying to get me off the line, but for so many of the times I talked to someone it honestly felt like they gave a shit about me, which is something that I do not really think I have felt from the people in my real life in the same amount in a long time.I am trying hard not to feel hurt because that feels like it would be petty and selfish, but... I am hurt for myself, but also strangely worried, I guess. I may still be here three days later but I feel more prepared, willing, and able to kill myself than I ever have before in my life. I even have half of a suicide note drafted for if I have to do it. What would have happened if she had said that to someone who was holding the gun or the rope or the bottle of pills in their hand already? What the hell would have happened to someone who got her when they called in and were maybe just hoping to to talk to someone before they died, and instead got accused of trying to abuse the system for their own amusement and were hung up on?How the hell could someone who works at one of these lines, who are supposed to be trained in talking people down from these urges. How could someone accuse someone who calls in of being a prankster and try to shame them for this perceived attack, then after hearing the caller promise that they were genuinely afraid that they were going to commit suicide and wanted some comfort or help, tell them that they have called too much before, and then hang up. I cannot stop thinking about what would have happened if someone else made that call instead of me.This makes things more complicated, but even though I feel angry, I also feel bad and guilty for feeling angry. These operators are overworked volunteers, and I know they have a script and a time limit, and they cannot actually offer any advice, and a bunch of other things that they can and cannot do. These people are signing up to try to help people but still have a lot of limits and stressors put on them to be able to do so. Their because is noble, even if their methodology is flawed. And I know that they get horrible horrible prank callers and sex callers all the time, so I can understand trying to make sure they are not wasting their time on those who steal it for their own pleasure when real people suffer when they do not get the support they need. I feel terrible for feeling hurt and angry at someone who was probably just trying to do her volunteer job to the best of her abilities. But I just cannot get her voice out of my head, especially now that I am sitting in my field watching the trees go up in flames in naked eyesight, and now that I am trying to think of the fastest and least messy way to kill myself when I leave. I cannot get it out of my head that she, and maybe all the other people who helped me, might have spent most of our calls thinking I was making it up for attention or for a laugh or god forbid for sexual perversion. I know that I cannot call back to them even though I do not know if I know how to deal with this stuff without calling them and asking. All the other times they have helped me feel tainted now, which makes me feel way worse about my problems. I just do not know what to say do think or feel anymore. Update: The Fire Has Gotten Worse",Suicidal +8358,"i cannot do this anymore, it never changes and i have no reason to keep goingi have the right pills that will actually kill me and my arm is already bleeding pretty bad it will finally end i do not think ill be alive tomorrow",Suicidal +26665,"Why do not I just buy bleach and drink it. that is my plan today, Its too much now. Before I already knew it was too much and I have been waiting for my time to finally die and now I have a chance at it. Fuck my family, I do not care if they feel sad that I die. Dying is what will finally make me happy. My family specifically my sister has caused me nothing but pain. I cannot even go around her without being reminded of how much pain I have gone through. Everything reminds me of her and I am sick of it, so my sister be damned I am taking my chance. I am only 14, why did I have to go through any of the stuff I have at such a young age. Does anyone even care? Whatever. what is the point",Suicidal +9640,For know I guess I will just keep living in this mundane world hoping one day death will come for me soon. Mabey I will kill my self one day maybe I will not.,Suicidal +25833,I want to consider any option that I can take. I do not have gun do not want to cut myself or hang myself either that would be a bloody mess for my landlord. Jump off a bridge would cost my family a bunch of money to find my body especially I am studying abroad now. Any other option? Easy way out,Suicidal +24041,"What am I supposed to do in this psychiatric hospital? I am only getting crazier staying here, no support by my parents whatsoever. I fucking hate this shit. Wish I kms better. Fuck this",Suicidal +12253,"I have no thoughts running around my mind. Except for swallowing an entire bottle of advice and sleeping forever. I am lonely. I have family around and friends. But my parents work all the time and tell me I am not doing good enough at anything. They firmly believe that teens who are busy will never do drugs, I work on my family farm and have a part time job. I am so overwhelmed. On the days I finally have free time all I do is think about how I should starve myself or jump in front of a moving vehicle. My family constantly makes cruel jokes about my mental state. My classmates are mean. I was called a baby killer and a whore and a slut. ALL IN FRONT OF A FUCKING TEACHER HE SAT THERE LIKE A FUCKING ROBOT AND SAID NOTHING. welp cut, cut, cut. Butwho fucking knows I think tonight might be the night. I have an idea. But my cat will be sad. I wish my thoughts were not empty, then maybe I could find a reason to live. I have no thoughts except",Suicidal +8819,"I hate that I am even posting here because I do not think I could ever go through with it, I do not deserve to take a spot of someone who actually needs help. But here I am, posting on this sub. I am not even sure what I want honestly.... I have had a lot of trouble after my partner and I broke up, actually I had two breakups around the same time (I am poly). I am also a little and one of my partners said she would little me and I was her priority. she is moved on. Today I told her I was sad that we barely have talked. She got angry at me and a lot of people say I am in the wrong. Idk. it is a petty reason to be suicidal, and I need help, and plan on getting help soon. I just feel like everyone has left my life. I only talk to one person on a regular basis and I recently had to move back in with my parents. I am amounting to nothing and nobody wants me. I am going to head to bed though. With any luck I will not have to make a decision to end it all and I will not wake up tomorrow. Thank you whoever reads this. Everyone is gone",Suicidal +11983,"19M, i have a goal to reach, but I am too broken.cannot help it. mental illness taking the better of mebipolar disorder, overthinking, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, it is getting worse, i started cutting myself. small thumb cut to test things out , was not bad actually i can endure the pain, planning for more cutsi reached a point where i want to suffer more, i want my condition to get worse and worse, it feels so good. no idea why. i low-key find it dramatici cannot think straight. for years I have been holding this deep wound inside me, fuck just end me. a certain goal",Suicidal +25313,"this may be my only hope, the last shining light on this shit life. I was supposed to get paid on Friday and now I am six days late on rent, i do not know what else to do, I have no family, no savings... I need help and I was banned from /r/borrow and r/assistance for my old account being deleted and they saw this as me deleting my post which is so goddamn stupid, if anyone can help me, please reach out., this is going to get taken down",Suicidal +23837,"I am 24. I had great grades in highschool, I learn things easily. I have a partner of 4 years who is amazing. I have spent a lot of time depressed and confused about meaning in life. I was in my final year of my bachelor's in an underwhelming design degree in 2020 but 5 major personal life issues hit me in the span of a month, and the gear god worse from there.Now I have had 18 months away from any study and it is going to be 2 years by December. I cannot enroll in my units any more and I hate the degree.I know I can progress towards my goals and get there but I feel so far behind in life, and I feel like I have accomplished all the things I wanted when I was saying and irrevocably failed the rest. I feel bored with life and just like casually letting myself dying. If I go study science for 5 years I will be 30 at the end. I just think about going and drinking poison or throwing myself into rocks or something to just give up this life. I do not want to have suicidal but it is tempting to just opt out and stop the hassle of this life I want to kill myself because I do not have a job or degree, but I do not want to want to kill myself",Suicidal +25717,"My Will / My LifeI lived a good life honestly, nothing bad really happened. I did not commit crimes, I did not get a severe illness that left me bedridden or had me killed, I did not go out of my way to harass people online or in person. I am not a saint though. I have thought about killing strangers, people I did not like, friends, family, and myself. I have thought about the darkest things that I have wanted to do to people that I will not enclose in this document because I want the memory of what my family and friends to think of me to at least be half decent. The truth is though that my mind has been fucked for a few years, and its because of internet exposure, the curiosity of wanting to see more and more rather than hearing about it.If you are reading this its probably because I killed myself, here is why.# Why I Did itI have been thinking about killing myself for years. I have been thinking about harming myself for about the same time, but I never went out of my way to do it. My mom, my sister, and hell, even my girlfriend all have cut themselves and self harmed. It makes me want to puke and panic whenever I think about it. I wish they would have never done it, because I continue to be saddened by it even now. I have trouble being happy knowing that they have harmed themselves, that they have cried for hours about their troubles. It hurts that I cannot do anything to help at all, and it hurts that I do not go the extra mile to help them even further It is not that I do not want to, but I never had went out of my way out of pure laziness and being pathetic all around.I am a loser. I can barely take care of myself. I have periods of time where I do not shower for days or brush my teeth, I skip meals, I buy food despite having full capabilities that I can cook food myself that would be much cheaper and nutritious. I do not do well in school. If I truly try, I can get good grades. But for some fucked reason, I never do. I am always finding myself finding any excuse to not study or do homework, and when a time comes that I truly want to, I shit you not, SOMETHING COMES UP. Not sure how the fuck it happens, but I swear family/friends will need help or invite me to go out when I want to do homework, and I can never say no. And that is part of my downfall. When something inconvenient happens to me, I get very upset, more than the average person would. When a person upsets me, I think of killing them, and other things I will not mention. This clearly is not fucking normal, and I think its good that I will be taking my life rather than being completely stupid and taking innocent lives. I have no idea why I have friends or even a girlfriend if I am honest. I would claim to be very charismatic ,handsome at times, and manipulative, but as of writing right now I cannot think of a time that I have manipulated someone. And for some weird reason, my gut says that I have. I think I had been a good ear for many people, I will not bother listing because they know who they are. I give the best feedback for them, whether its siding with them, telling them straight up This is how the world works, or telling them that they are wrong (Whether its factual or my opinion) I make sure to tell them what I think is right, and I think it has helped.I get a pain in my heart after I eat food that is extremely unhealthy, like mcdonalds, or drinking an energy drink. And I think to myself Let me get a heart attack and just die Because that is truly what I want. I want to die constantly. I imagine scenarios where the house breaks and the roof falls on top of my head. I think to myself of shooting someone in a random store in hopes of someone conceal carrying to finish me. I think of falling off a bridge or a cliff. But most importantly, I think of shooting myself in the head with my gun, which is what I will do.I get random periods of time where I REALLY want to kill myself. Had my gun been on my desk as I typed this, I feel like I would had pulled the trigger a few minutes ago, but I feel better now. Buying the gun was the biggest mistake in my life. Not because guns are bad, but because I am bad. I clearly do not deserve a right to own a gun, but here I am with a glock in my backpack. I do not think I could ever kill myself by jumping off a bridge or cliff, or cutting my wrists and bleeding out, etc. I had felt my glock has always been an optional exit for my in life, in case I truly fail as a person,And as it stands, I failed. Later",Suicidal +22486,"You know how people say there is a lot of stigma around mental health right? I am a mental health nurse and I struggle with this shit. After helping people for years and just sort of getting by --as my relationships crumbled around me--- and as I felt like I was slipping down more and more into a deep abyss...I am finally on the path to getting help for myself.I realized I was in some deep shit when I was on a family vacation. Looking around I saw everyone having a great time while on a boat ride. Me, I just wanted to die and spent the day fighting back tears while thinking ""why the fuck cannot I enjoy myself?"" ""What the fuck is wrong with me?"" And ""why cannot I just be normal?"" A week prior to that moment I was looking off of the edge of a 4 story building waiting for some food at a rooftop restaurant wondering "" would the jump be enough to end my pain?""While I have these thoughts, I know I would never act on them. In my line of work I have seen what happens when plans go wrong too many times. (And more often than not it only leads to worse pain and suffering)On top of that I recently heard of an aquaintance that ended their life, and I can see the pain their family is now feeling. I would never want to transfer my pain to someone else like that.For me, I have already promised my family that I would never hurt myself. I tell my patients all the time you have to find your reason to fight through. Whatever your reason is, no matter how hard it gets, that reason will carry you through to the light of a better day. So here I am, and my reason has kept me here. And now, I can finally admit that I need help. this is just too big for me to go at it alone. My partner was able to help me navigate my most recent crisis and get me set up with a psychiatrist and therapist. ( For which I am so thankful)I avoided this for years despite knowing I needed help ...I am a psych nurse right? I know how to help others fix this sort of thing...I should be able to fix myself too...right?Anyway, I am writing this for everyone here that is struggling. To tell you it gets better. Find your reason, stay strong, and most importantly reach out. Help is available. If you really feel like you are going to hurt yourself go to your local Emergency Room they will be able to help you through the worst and hopefully connect you to resources in your community.For me right now just taking this ""little"" step of admitting I need help and making a plan has given me an unbelievable level of relief. Just knowing that I am finally trying to take control over this illness rather than let it control me is liberating! I feel like the pressure that was in my head has started to release. After months of feeling like shit and years of being 'down' I actually feel somewhat human again, rather than this empty void nothingness. do not get me wrong I am not 100% cured or better by any stretch of the imagination but I feel like it is a start in the right direction--- so much so, that I was even able to go out for a date with my partner tonight and actually enjoy it. I feel so relieved I am finally on my way to starting therapy and getting help for my severe depression and intermittent suicidal ideation.",Suicidal +11428,"Recently my life has not been the best, by recently I mean almost about a year now, I just feel like its getting worse and worse, I keep telling myself that its going to get better but it just does not seem like that will happen at all. For a couple of months these thoughts have been popping up in my head. I have always put others first through out my whole life. And I feel like maybe that is why I do not really pay attention to those thoughts and take action. But now I am starting to think that it will not really matter if I am gone. Why do not I just do it.",Suicidal +9163,"I am feeling completely stuck. I have a meeting with work tomorrow to return soon, and I am absolutely not ready. I can barely wash, feed or look after myself properly most days and the only reason I do right now is to look after the family dog.I cannot afford to be off sick anymore but I am not well at all, and work was something that triggered some of this depression, burnout and anxiety in the first place, even though I have had it fluctuating for years.I am stuck without an anxiety med because the doctors have not sent it TWICE to the pharmacy. Anyone I usually would go to for professional help is on holiday. I have been waiting for an assessment from the community health team for 6 weeks, and its been cancelled once, and I have not heard anything since I asked when my assessment would be rescheduled.I just feel so useless. I have been barely holding it together and I do not know what on earth I am going to say to my boss and HR tomorrow, because I am still a wreck. I cannot do this",Suicidal +25769,"really looking for a reason to stay rn, i was able to get my hands on some pills, not enough to kill me or do any bad damage but still. i do not know what is keeping me here my life is beyond fucked but I am just ignoring it idk",Suicidal +11193,"suicideyea i really am, suicide is sleep and eternal peace , do not have to deal with troubles of this fucked up world and mean people , just eternal sleep....ohhhhh is not that good.. after seeing how fucked up this world is and how things turn out , its better not being here anymore , i cannot even understand is this a reality or somekinda nightmare , that i cannot wake up fromi wish somebody could talk to me , here or somewhere else i feel so lonely all the time and have chronic pains , i really really want to die so bad ..... i am jelous of people who commited",Suicidal +24464,"Hi all, in my short 19 years on this earth I have been through many trials and triumphs but my life seems to be getting progressively worse and I have not had the best life I ever and already feel like I have lived a lifetime worth of experiences due to the trauma I have experienced in my life like: sexual, emotional, physical abuse, stabbed someone when I was 17 and attacked them with mallet due to bullying, being involved with a police chase, surviving car accident, being a addict and addicted to alcohol at age 17 until last (year age 19),being deaf in left ear from birth, survived surgery, survived many illness and infection as a young child, and being revived at birth due to oxygen loss, severe bullying, I have had around 50-60 suicidal episodes last year and have had many more prior. I managed to obtain my NCEA Lvl 1,2,3 even though I was kicked out of school due to being sevely bullied and having everyone hate me, I have had many fun sexual experiences, done some pretty crazy and one of a kind stuff, seen and done things alot of people could ever do etc. I always made sure to live every day as if it was my last and live fearless so I have lived my life on the edge and to the fullest although I was lonely and sad alot of it due to anxiety and past trauma. But things were starting to look up around last year I acquired a good job and a wonderful partner S.C. ironically I had my car accident 15mins after I dropped her off at a friend's place as she stayed at mine and we had only met in person the night before. But our relationship prospered and that crash made me become clean from alcohol and drugs because of the thought of her and prospect of career and family I have always wanted to raise children and live on a farm in the countryside etc. But... My life has changed for the worst now=Initially my illness started about 1am on Jan 18th 2021 after I awoke from a vivid nightmare drenched in sweat then I had an auditory hallucination and diahorrea and vertigo and derealization/confusion and brainfog and was shivering with chills but after I went back to sleep it went away within 1-day and in between time I went on holiday and suffered vertigo and ear pain on the car ride down and the initial sickness did not appear until Feb 9th I got the bad flu w/sore throat, vertigo, ear pain, coughing, running nose, chills, diahorrea etc. And on Feb 13th I then suffered derealization, severe brainfog, crying and sadness and anxiety, REM sleep issues like: falling sensation that jolts awake, flashing behind eyelids, hypnogogic hallucination, constant vivid nightmares every night, head pressure, diahorrea, excessive urination and short-term memory loss and a bunch of other stuff then around early March came a psychotic ocd presentation where I had this delusion I was developing shitzophrenia and had an intense fear of it and constantly Googled it then that sort of stopped and the derealization died down a bit and I was left with andeonia complete loss of emotions and then severe depression and mood swings the came these mini-stroke/seizures and severe brainfog that happened around start of last month and every time I had them I was getting memory-loss after long term and short-term almost dementia like memory loss then I developed an internal vibration. So currently of now my symptoms are: a slight brainfog, internal vibration, dementia memory-loss, vivid nightmares: still having hypnogogic hallucination upon waking, minor head pressure, crying and sadness/severe depression, and complete loss of emotional enjoyment in life, loss of track of time and what is going on around me, inability to retain information, loss of imagination, hair thinning, easily bruising, loss of libido, abdomen pain. So as of now I am 5.5 months into this illness and shts only getting worse I have had many blood tests, tried different diets, meds help with mood but none of the other symptoms, tried therapy, had 2 CT scans of head w/o Contrast tried heaps nothing works. I personally think it is maybe autoimmune encephalitis due to a virus, covid maybe? Not sure. So yeah I am pre much F'ed atm. Me and my girlfriend do long distance and she has stuck by me all through this, she flys up to where I live today as her family lives here and she comes up every school holidays I love her so much and she says she loves and supports me and will do till death and we are keeping each other alive as she struggles with her own issues too but I just feel useless and dead. An example is my nana she is in a dementia home and you look into her eyes and the life is just gone... No soul, just a lost mind trapped within a body that imprisons her that is how I feel atm and I do not want this to go on forever as I cannot feel life and emotions and feel severaly disconnected from everything and have impaired cognitive function as well as experiencing symptoms on the daily. I have always had a different insight on life I feel and have always thought and felt different from others idk why but I just have I feel special in this world and sometimes I wonder if it is just me alive and everyone else is figure of imagination idek haha. My plan is too spend my last 2-weeks with her and then if I feel no better or see no reason to continue then I will end it. Sorry for all the words and wall of text you prolly do not need my life story but I want to make sure my story is read by atleast someone before I go.As many of you know its a dog eat dog world and weakness is not tolerated and only the strongest survive unfortunately I am no longer strong and just a she will of a man really so yeah I was crying afraid of death and asking why this has happened to me for ages every night alone but I now realise maybe the good go first so we do not experience as much suffering as the bad who live on and generally die alone. The world is a strange place atm and is just full of pain, narcassism, suffering, corruption. I also tried talking to my parents to provide guidance and they just tell me to accept my fate so yeah idek : P thanks for reading this far btw and god bless. 19 year old male my life is over.",Suicidal +13515,"i am tired. i do not want to be here anymore. i am so tired of it. everything. school, family, friends, my bf. i do not care if they would be sad. i think its because deep down i know the world will just move on when i go, I am matter but i do not matter. haha funny science joke. lol. it does not get better, i am fucked, i will always have these thoughts. i am sad. idk if I am depressed but i am so, so sad.anyway feel bad for me because I am sad LOLim so selfish, but I am losing weight bc i do not really have interest in eating. which is nice because yea. i just want to go.",Suicidal +27179,"haha, first it was depression, now this, good god! I thought about it so many times, My brain feels as if I am faking my suicidal tendencies!",Suicidal +9333,"Do you remember that pure happiness and joy when we were kids, where did it go ? We feel some joy but not like that when we were younger that warm happiness ,Is it chemicals ?Things we saw and knew about the world that fucked our brains ? Why most of us feel stuck and suicidal ? I am not native sorry about the mistakes Why we feel unhappy without obvious reasons",Suicidal +9964,"Only a couple months away, everything is planned, Ill be killing myself by asphyxiation with nitrous. There is nothing you or anyone else can do to help me. I be killing myself on my birthday.",Suicidal +22376,"My ex pressured me into sex and took advantage of me to fuck me. I said no I said I did not want to, but I went with it because he made me feel bad about soemthing I did. He just left and cut me off and I legit want to die I am so sick of my life I am so sick of everything I do not deserve this My ex just raped me and left",Suicidal +14812,"So this is it, after disintegrating in indifference there is no point left. Why, just to be another problem that you would need to solve. I do not want to be solved, after all, why the fuck am I worth more than you, more than anyone else, so much so that I am worth all that trouble, I never was and never will be and that is okay with me, has been for a while. I know that you would say that I am enough, that I do not know how much it helps just being there, but not for me, it is never going to be enough, it never was and enough for me in anything I do.I am sorry, I am sorry that I wasted all that air for 20 fucking years that could be better spent, I am sorry I let all of you get to know me, you guys have clearly been through enough and do not deserve this, I hope all of you have someone to lean on, I am sorry I have not died sooner, I am sorry for all the times I said and did anything and for the times I did not.So this is it, Wednesday comes in 23 hours, that is what I was getting ready for, I wish I could tell you but you would just wonder if you could do more and you could not, so it is okay, I am glad I meet you, but I am sorry you had to meet me. I am sorry for everything",Suicidal +8748,"My girlfriend recently broke up with me, shortly after starting an internship out of state due to a plethora of issues, including my mental health struggles. Many of the issues she stated are issues I did not know she has, and had I know, I would have worked to fix.I am trying to do anything to mend the relationship, as I love my girlfriend and I acknowledge what I have done wrong, but she states she wants space for a bit and wants to see if I can be the boyfriend she deserves.I do not know what to do. I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I am more than willing to admit it, but I feel absolutely destroyed because we both put so much love into the relationship. It just feels like a switch was pressed, and everything vanished the second it occurred. My girlfriend went from stating she loved me more than anything to being openly critical of me, and it now makes me confused as to whether or not any of those feelings were true, or if she is simply upset and truly does need space after my behavior over the past month.I did not handle the distance well, and it did send me to the mental hospital, amongst other things. I plan to seek out counseling and begin the process of working on myself, but I do not want to have to lose someone I seriously care about. I moved my entire life over here to live with her and pursue our relationship, and all I want is for her to be happy.I feel like all I do is push people away and make things worse, and that I am being gradually erased by everyone I know. I do not know what will even be left of me by the time this is done, and all I want is to be with the person I love and work things out. My girlfriend broke up with me, and now everything seems hopeless",Suicidal +37595,"@wildchamomille,im learning how to love myself,and i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +25486,"I am 15 which probably invalidates my entire story because i feel like I am going to seem too young to even understand what it means to be depressed, and i do not know why I am posting this because i honestly do not want to feel okay because its so much easier than getting better and i find a weird comfort in knowing that i could just end it all if i want to, this also is not going to be very organised because i just need to get shit off of my chest. I am so tired, I am so fucking tired physically and emotionally, i can hardly get sleep and when i do i end up sleeping all day, because of this I have fallen fromthe top of all my classes to the absolute bottom, i used to have so many friends but I have had to restrict my circle because i realise that some people care about things that i just do not get, how tf can people go out and do normal teenager shit all of that just seems like a waste of time to me, and the friends that i do have are here for me but half the time i feel like a burden because they hear it from me so often, I am not crying as i write this because I am numb, I am so numb and even when i do cry which is the only sense of relief i get it lasts for maybe 30 seconds before i tell myself to grow up. i cannot live like this anymore and this does not even scratch the surface but I am too tired to write anymore, no one takes me seriously and i do not care if there are people that do not believe me because honestly right now I am looking for something to hold onto just incase there is something because I am so close to the edge idek why I am posting here",Suicidal +17456,"Hi. When I was 18, I was depressed. To continue to life, I promise myself that I will not kill myself until I would become 25 years old because I know that after 25, there will not be huge change in my life. Today is my 25th birthday. As I expected, nobody celebrated(I do not know use this word correctly). Thus, after today, I can suicide whenever I want. I do not have to wait for anything. Now I can suicide whenever I want.",Suicidal +36193,"Ever feel like everyone's better off without you, because me fucking too. https://t.co/TcS3ZzrZoj",Suicidal +20579,"1) In 2011 my best friend passed away in a bike accident at that time my age was around 15.That incident really affected my mental health badly and now still after 10 years i am really depressed about that thing.2) I wanted to become a Professional Football Player but tbh i never gave my 100% and after my friends death i started to stay at home and made my house comfort zone.Lost contact with all my friends and with the girl i loved(My First Love)3) Talking about my First Love i first saw her in 2005 and i had little bit of family drama with her family also where her parents came to know about the thing i liked/loved there daughter.Her Mother was nice and just because i was a kid my age was probably 11-12 she said this is not the age to do love and these kind of things there is proper age for these kind of things.I apologized to my crush on fb and she did forgive me.After almost 1-2 years we became friends but there was a problem my one frnd was now her bf and they both were in a relationship.At that time i accepted the fact that with my crush the only relationship i am going to have is of friendship and nothing else.But somewhere deep inside i felt when we became friends and got to know each other personally she liked me but was waiting for me to make a move.4) In April 2021 while having a chat with my friend i get to know my First Love/Crush got pregnant and had done abortion recently.That news really fucked my mind up,i feel really bad for her bcoz her behaviour towards me was very nice she did forgive me and when i made the move for friendship she accepted me without any hesitation.5) I have health issues(Asthma and Diabetes) and my doctor has recommended to start exercising.Having Asthma was one of the reason why i gave up on my dream of becoming Professional Football Player.6) I have been having suicidal thoughts from past 2 years but now i feel universe is trying to help me in achieving my goals and trying to help me in my love life by giving news of First Love being Pregnant and Abortion.Doctor advising to start exercising i can take these things as positives and work on building and achieving my dream of being Professional Football Player i know it is bit late in terms of age for starting a career in sports but i want to give atleast one try for the things which i loved and that is Football and my First Love.I do not want die having regrets.7) there is a huge 10 year communication gap between me and my First Love because after 2011 after my best friend's death i made my home comfort zone.I have cried after hearing the news of her Pregnancy and Abortion i just want to talk with her and see her.I am not in a hurry of becoming her bf first i want heal/help her mental health/career wise.I want to marry her.But because we have huge communication gap i fear does she remember me.8) I have planned few things to make her remember times of us being friends and tell her my love feelings through it (Like for eg:- About the day when i saw her for the very first time) editing pictures(Written in story format and cartoon) and video edit (Stop Motion Video).But first i am going to try and build a bond with her like we had 10 years ago and i have plans to help her by giving her tips for growing her business and then i am going to express my love feelings towards her tbh from last 15 years she knows that i love her it is just i have never confessed my love to her face to face.( Please do not tag me as a creepy guy i have written everything what i really feel) ( Big Sorry for my Bad English i tried my best any Advice would be welcomed ) Life is trying to give me a second chance should i try my luck ?",Suicidal +20586,"If only suicide was not viewed in such a light, to where it is seen as such a bad and miserable mistake. I have studied a lot of stoic philosophy and even the godfathers of stoicism saw suicide differently. Not only as an desperate escape but a peaceful departure. I wish I could leave this world knowing that my family would not be broken. They care for me so much and I care for them, but I have been done for a long time now. I would love to hear some of you all's thoughts on this matter. If you feel yourself falling away and losing control, retire in good heart to some corner where you will regain control - or else make a complete exit from life, not in anger, but simply, freely, with integrity, making this leaving of it at least one achievement in your life - Marcus AureliusCan you no longer see a road to freedom? Its right in front of you. You need only turn over your wrists - Seneca My only wish is that I could exit while leaving behind peace, instead of greif.",Suicidal +26386,"I know it seems like such a stupid reason to decide that maybe now is the right time to take this leap but it just feels like confirmation. My friends go out, they celebrate together, their families are proud of them and celebrate with them too. I am celebrating by sitting in my bedroom alone. My dad gave me a hug which was nice and made me feel better for a moment but the knowledge that all of these things I am proud of are pretty much worthless in the end has kind of cemented the idea that it is not really worth being here after all. I do not think my death would really be any different to any of the other unacknowledged milestones in my life. All that any of this endless effort and pushing forward has led to is me sitting here, announcing to a semi-anonymous online forum that I think it is time to give up. What a sad life. I graduated today after five years of education that drove me to the lowest state of my life. No one is interested or cares about this milestone except me. I do not know why I am here.",Suicidal +11130,it is not even emotional at this point. it is so goddamn irritating. Why tf do I hv to live. I do not want to avail the services that life offers and I do not want the companionship of others as well. I just want to be dead and done with it. it is better now than later. there will be less collateral damage. I am just trynna off myself and EVERY SINGLE one is trying to stop me. I am already tired enough PLEASE do not go against me more. I would prefer if you did nothing instead of anything. Anyway that is the end of my rant. w h y ?,Suicidal +23133,"I am m26yo and have always been financially and emotionally dependent on my partners. I always attract people because of my beauty, but I know I have a nice personality and a lot of interests, which ends up making people attached to me.I always had a war on my mind, and I never found the motivation to do things for myself. I never loved myself.A person said a few months ago that maybe I am like this as a survival mechanism, that deep down I do not want to change or be independent because it is easier and I save energy just by depending and relying on others.that is not fair. My boyfriend gets screwed every day at the hospital he works for and when he gets home, not even the dishes are washed. He has to worry about whether I am eating, about buying my food and my clothes and etc.If I can change? I have been trying every day. Therapist, drugs, etc. But maybe deep down, deep in my unconscious, there is this stuffed thing that does not want to change. And unfortunately I cannot fight it.I have everything in my power to be a successful person, but I am a lazy, selfish slug.Suicidal thoughts have always been with me. And every day I am more certain that this destination is very very close. I do not want to be strong. The only strength I want, is to finally surrender I take advantage of others. I suspect that deep down I just want an easy life. This is not living with dignity, and I am not strength enough to change.",Suicidal +12869,"I have got nearly no skills or talents, just sent a way over sharing text to my gf about how I feel useless because I was in a mood so I am already hugely embarrassed about that, and I never have to guts to do anything like other people. I have struggled on and off with suicidal thoughts for years, and since its probably permanent, what is the point in trying to make it through like this? I have embarrassed myself by opening up and making myself more vulnerable, I am considering ridding the world of myself before morning. I know I will not, but I also cannot ditch these thoughts. I am starting to consider this all again. I am ashamed of my own existence.",Suicidal +37114,at this point i dont even mind the pain i just want out of life,Suicidal +8404,"Just thinking about the word ""worth"", the worth I have for myself, for others and for this society and system.I am completly worthless in all of these listed things. Why am I so worthless?",Suicidal +16639,Or at least slightly less painful How to die painlessly and quickly?,Suicidal +17483,"I am so tired, unemployed since march 2020 and today i was humiliated in a job inteviwe because they pay basicly nothing and i questioned that, i felt so miserable, umpoewerd, i reaaly want to all this to end, i have depression, adhd and anxiety, i take my pills every day for the last 3 years and feel shit about myself everytime, i speak to my therapist every week but i just cannot go on anymore, i do not have any moe drive to keep living, its just hurts me more and more, i do not know more anything else to do, please help if someone can, i have 33 years of age an i do not want to live anymore I cannot stand any longer",Suicidal +7233,everything is said:) 1 year without trying to kill myself,Suicidal +17111,"I already made the decision to kill myself tomorrow, I plan on calling my close friends and my boyfriend and sending some goodbye messages to, I am scared I will regret it in the middle and make others worry for nothing. I cannot take this pain anymore and I already made the decision, but if I said I am not a little bit scared I would be lying. I just want to rest in peace, tomorrow is my final day, I did not have such a bad life, I just missed my chances and took the wrong choices what lead me to this day. I am sorry for hurting everyone around me, I am so sorry Scared but decided",Suicidal +10655,Its been a recurring thought throughout my life. I have come to the final conclusion that its long past due. I am sorry to all the people I hurt. I am sorry to the girl I love that I was an awful partner because I had too much shit I just hid and kept under. I am fucking terrible. And its time. I have tried those helplines. They are useless and some of those people do not actually care. I do not deserve to exist,Suicidal +16124,"I am ashamed of my own existence. I am a nave 17 year old who does not know anything about anything and has been depressed ever since puberty hit. I think about killing myself daily.I have no close friends. I have never had a girlfriend and I doubt I ever will since I am ugly as shit and also very awkward. I got all the shitty genes, almost all of which came from my mom and I resent her a little for it(and my dad for marrying her): big forehead, big nose, moles, bushy eyebrows, lots of body hair, brown eyes, insomnia, frizzy hair, long legs and arms, kind of short height, and all of those are things I cannot change. My name sounds stupid. I fucking hate looking in the mirror and pretty much constantly avoid looking at my reflection (Even on the toilet water just before I take a piss). Looking at my own face just pisses me off and I want to chop it off with an axe. I am constantly ridiculed because of my looks and personality. I have always been a terrible student. I have a low GPA and a shitty SAT score. I hate sports. I have no extracurriculars. No decent college will accept me and I do not even care about college that much to begin with. I probably have a porn addiction and my diet is shit. But those are the only two things which bring me pleasure and I depend on them. I am incredibly bored all the time and almost nothing feels enjoyable. Videogames bore me death. Most movies are silly to me and I hate Hollywood. I find most people boring and have to pretend like I care about most conversations. I have no interest in having pets. I am also extremely pathetic and afraid. I have never drank alcohol or done drugs. I do not know how to drive. I feel detached from all human beings and sometimes wish I was born as another species. A dragonfly does not need a goddam plane ticket. A beetle does not need friends and family or an education. A bobbit worm does not need a home with a fucking mortgage. I fucking hate existing and I cannot wait to die and finally be free. My parents do not take my interests seriously and I am constantly pressured to major in a STEM related field which I find extremely boring since I have always found humanities much more interesting. They also think I am going through the ""teenage angst"" phase, and they may have a point. Nonetheless I still have trouble finding meaning in things. I feel caged inside my body and hate being alive. I also hate that I feel this way since I am very privileged. I do not believe in abstractions such as good, evil, love, joy, or nations because they have no basis in reality. I feel like we just pretend like things are meaningful and every single thing we do is a distraction from imminent death. I am spiteful, and hate nearly everyone but am aware that I am the problem. I have rape and murder fantasies and I fucking hate myself for that. I feel fucking alone all the time. If I could describe my life in two words they would be confusion and solitude. I am not patriotic at all and I do not believe in countries. I cannot fathom how some people are willing to die for their countries. To them you are just another fucking statistic. I also do not care for any religion at all. Everything is so trivial and absurd and ephemeral. I am just a tiny animal on a floating rock born in an overstimulated and depressed time. I do not even want to talk about the pandemic. Language is extremely limiting and I cannot even express myself with words. I feel like everyone gets to a point where they realize that everything is a social construct.All things, including my own achievements, will accomplish nothing. An individual life cannot change a fucking thing.Life is so arbitrary. it is just a matter of who you are born as. One's genes and habits, I suppose. Being born is a terrible misfortune, and I hate that I live on a floating rock filled with pointless cruelty and pretentiousness and animals who assign false meaning and emotions to everything. I am just a dipshit kid who feels like a failure. I see no reason why I should not kill myself. Constant suicidal ideation, the triviality of everything, and anger at being alive",Suicidal +19516,"I have written here before but I felt ashamed and deleted the post. I was diagnosed with g.a.d, social anxiety, and major depressive disorder 2 years ago. I have been suicidal since the tenth grade but I was able to brush the thought away for a while. I thought this feeling would go away once I head to college but I realized I never wanted to go in the first place. I also realized that school overall severely triggered me. I cannot study, I am always tired, insomniac, and therapy is going nowhere. I have given up on myself. I thought maybe I could drop college and start working jobs but my parents told me I could not because it ruins my 'social standing' in life, and I would be nothing without it. I love my family but even they are a lot sometimes and judgy. nothing in my life is going right, and since college started I have just gotten more suicidal and tried to kill myself three times but all three times I stopped myself cuz I was scared. I feel like I am losing my mind. I do not know what to do anymore. I want to die but I cannot. there are just too many people i could hurt and they do not deserve that. i feel like i should not feel this way because people have it worst, but i just have not been happy in so long. man, life sucks. my life is falling apart and i hate living",Suicidal +36745,@XirthTv The girl I was fucking with the one that made me not kill myself a night I was just done is out of being institutionalized,Suicidal +20237,"Like for real, I do not even have anything to rant about, this shit is real weak. I just wish I had the balls to do it like wtf, this shit is bullshit.We cannot off ourselves because of the fight or flight instinct that kicks in or what not, and we naturally try to keep living right before we dieDafuq kind of bullshit is that? This is not even supposed to be a sad post, like seriously, lemme get the alcohol and call it a day wtf are my instincts doings dude, piss off.(Hope you all are having a good day tho) Man this shit sucks",Suicidal +8257,"I always see people saying that suicide is bad ""because you have so much to live for"" or because things will get better one day but they will not. I cannot ever have a happy life. Even if there is some sort of miracle where i overcome depression and anxiety and dysphoria and dysmorphia and recover from my three eating disorders and quit self harm and my parents are suddenly no longer abusive I will always have PTSD and CPTSD. I really think my life is irreparable There is not anything left for me",Suicidal +26413,I really feel like I do not belong anywhere in this world. I just lost my shitty job at the grocery store and now I have to find a new job. All of the jobs I end up getting my me hate my life soo much I want to find a better job that I would actually enjoy but I really do not know how to do that because none of the jobs I want ever want me. I have been trying to get a nice job at a pet store and Doggy daycare but they are rarely ever hiring and whenever they are I do not hear anything back from them. So I am stuck working jobs that Make me want to kill myself. I do not know how much longer I can handle working shitty jobs just so I can eat.. I am probably going to have to be a dishwasher again since nobody else wants to hire me I do not want to be on this stupid planet anymore. Nobody gives a fuck about how I feel I feel so fuckin unwanted in this world,Suicidal +7330,"I am currently 16 5'3"" right now and if I do not grow any inches then I guess there is no point in living. I mean why would I want to live as a short guy until I die. Fuck that. I am going to kill myself on June 8, 2023, if I am still short.",Suicidal +15189,"For all that I went through. For all the support that I never had. For all the things that I was blamed for despite the one going through the trauma already. For the life I never had. For the life I will never have. I grieve. For myself. For the little me. For the older me. For me. As I kill myself tonight, I grieve. I grieve for myself.",Suicidal +18155,My sister is a recovering addict who has been in recovery for almost two years. she is feeling very stressed and anxious just overwhelmed by life and she told me that she is worried about relapse and suicide. But she gets overwhelmed when I try to talk to her about how I can help to alleviate some of the stress in her life. I have done things like clean her house to make sure that she has a peaceful space and does not have to worry about that. I got her doctors contact information but I need her insurance card to call and make her an appointment. I have asked for it a couple times and each time she was overwhelmed already and just asked me not to do it right then. I cannot ask too much or push too hard or she gets overwhelmed and freaks out. I am at her house with my two children and I worry that the children are too much stimulation for her but she has a one year old and I want to be here to help care for her. I also am afraid to leave her alone. I am afraid to do anything actually. I am afraid if I do not talk and I just try to keep the kids away from her to give her quiet that she will think I am upset. I am afraid if I try to talk about what she is going through she will be overwhelmed. I am afraid if I talk about other things to provide a distraction or show her I am not upset that she will think I do not care or be overwhelmed. Help. I have no idea what to do. do not know what to do,Suicidal +8145,"Back here again. Great. I was doing so well these past few weeks. And by so well, I mean not having the urge to count every building to check if its over ten stories or feeling numb all the time, but here we are. All over poop. I have not been able to shit for the past almost five days and spent the whole day today trying two enemas, a suppository, and laxatives. And nothing. Now, the thought of going to the ER over shitting is so mortifying and stress-enducing that I am back to my thought of just ending it all. The shit is a metaphor. Even when you think things are getting better, there will always be another shit storm waiting. I am so tired. Crying over poop",Suicidal +36034,everything that you’ve ever dreamed of,Suicidal +10709,"I can no longer articulate the prolonged suffering that is my existence. The misery, the loneliness, the sorrow, and the anguish should all be worth a thousand words. Yet, as I acknowledged it is simply not possible to undertake the expansive task that is examining and assessing my despair.I have never had a single friend in my life. I have researched everything that there is to research about making friends, human behaviors, etc.I just have a natural fundamental deficiency/misunderstanding of human procedures. These problems will follow me my entire life and once you have awareness of the human condition, with no hope of overcoming it, it becomes definitive proof that life is not worth living. I seem to lack the natural stillness that everyone else seems to possess. In my opinion, the key to happiness in life is harmony with oneself, acceptance of that which cannot be changed, and a determination to change that which is indeed malleable, a consistent self-awareness and perpetual thought on how to be the best version of oneself and to respect all life in all its forms no matter what. The problem is the things that I need to fix are not malleable. They should be natural. You should be born with them. I feel ungrateful because I have such a mundane life. I have not been abused, raped, neglected, or anything like that. I have no trauma.I know a lot of the answers will be some variation of how I should learn to be alone. You can not ""learn"" to be alone. Few people chose to be completely and utterly alone. I want to fix it yet, it is simply not possible. There is no cure. There has to be something I am missing. I rationalize this all the time. There has to be some kind of resounding character flaw I am missing.I find myself slowly become a bitter resentful person. Seeing people live so normally and naturally angers me. Socialization to them is breathing. It requires no thought. They have everything I want.I find that the few things that brought me happiness no longer work. I can not even bring myself to read a book because my brain is so preoccupied with these obsessive thoughts of unhappiness.I define myself as a victim of the world.My suicide will be soon. I define myself as a victim of the world. My suicide will be soon.",Suicidal +26859,"the other day i messaged my best friend, who is also mentally ill.i made a rather graphic suicide joke, which in hindsight should have warranted a trigger warning.she told me she loves me but she is actually on the road to recovery and she is trying not to think about those things.while i am over the moon for her and continue to support her recovery, i am in the worst place I have ever been. i cannot help feeling I am being left behind. left behind",Suicidal +36383,"@btchtits,Leven, Scotland,dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +22933,"I want to do it while I still have the energy to. I am insufferable. I cannot believe that other people have managed to put up with me for so long. I am embarrassed by everything I do. I already know that my parents do not care whether I live or die; they tried to guilt trip and manipulate me, after my last attempt.""do not you love me? do not you care what [insert person] will think?""I do not fucking love you, and I do not care what all my family members that I have not seen in years will think. They probably care about how me killing myself might ""damage"" their reputation, more than they do about me. I want to die",Suicidal +24007,"i have trouble expressing how i feel so this might be a little confusing but I am 17 and I am tired. tired of my own existence, tired of living, tired of feeling the way that i do, its like a feeling that i cannot describe but it just will not go away no matter what, everyday just seems to get worse. seriously like does it ever get better? About 2 years ago i was the type to look forward to the future, the one who dreamed of going to college and doing great things in life, now its the exact opposite. I do not see a future anymore, i barely graduated high school, i do not even want to do anything, i do not want to wake up tomorrow i do not want to continue living. i do not want to go to work i do not want to go to college anymore i do not want to be here anymore. The feeling i talk about gets me so irritated because it just will not go away and it bothers me more that i cannot seem to explain how it feels. i feel empty and just idk I do not even know why I am here in the world, i do not see my purpose here, i do not know who i am nor do i see myself making a change or leaving a mark on the world. Why me, why did i have to come into the world, i feel like everything would just be so much better if i left. i would no longer carry this feeling around. I cannot even talk to my family about this because they have a tendency of invalidating my feelings and making me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way i do. i just wish this feeling went away. the feeling that will not seem to go away.",Suicidal +16436,Does anyone else feel like they are going to be numb for the rest of their lives just from working 8 hours a day for it to be the same shit till you die? I do not see the point in life if its just mediocre like that. Numb,Suicidal +16480,I do not know what to do. I have reached out to friends who apparently do not have the time to talk to me. No one seems to care. I do not know where to turn. If no one I know cares if I am alive the what is the point? I have made no impact on the world so does it matter if I am here or not? I do not know who to turn to anymore. I am not worth anyone's time to shoot an are you on text. I am just so lonely and worthless. I am hanging on by a thread,Suicidal +16681,"I have fought, i fought alone since i was 12 stepped on ever step of the way, but i went on iam almost 30 now and iam tired , i fought ever inch of the way through med school and work . No more I fought the good battle and I fought it better than most. I love you vanessa goodbye goodbye",Suicidal +21830,"it is one of those nights where the world seems to close in on you and the mind stays stuck. it is one of those nights when I really wish I had friends. I know someday, I will find someone. I am just waiting right now, waiting for college to start again, waiting for life to begin. But I kind of wish I had someone now. Even just the knowledge that I did have a friend, that I did have someone in my life to look forward to seeing and talking with -- that would be enough. Something to look forward to, someone who cares about me and I them. That kind of thing. I do not know. I think if I could cry, I would feel better. But I am not sure if I can. I think I am just going to take some melatonin and go to sleep. I am ready for today to be over. it is been a long day. it is that kind of night.",Suicidal +15390,"I am so mad at my mother. She cheated on my dad and betrayed all of us. How could you ruin our trust so badly in the snap of a fucking finger. I hate her. I cannot see her as my mother anymore. How dare you? How dare you screw all of us over like this? What the hell is wrong with you? there is so much other shit going on in my life and now this? What the fuck is even the point? I hope my fake friends burn in hell along with my mother. I do not know what to do anymore, everything is just going to shit. I was already thinking about ending my life before this and boy is this the cherry on top My parents are getting divorced and everything is against me",Suicidal +19503,"I thought I was getting better but of course not...why does my heart hurt so much?? Why cannot I just disappear forever??? No one will miss me anyway, especially not he so what is the point? Non-stop suicidal",Suicidal +19798,"Not much to say, procrastinated 3 years since 14 so I would not get far in life. Maybe my brain knew the suffering ahead would not be worth it. Failing at everything letting everyone misunderstand what I do just not caring anymore. do not bother with the links and numbers. Farewell Earth it is the end of my days.",Suicidal +22892,Literally my life and cannot take it. Just waiting for high blood pressure from the stress to end me soon Trauma after trauma,Suicidal +26213,"I am 13, thinking of staying up and not sleeping until my body gives up and passes away. that is basically my only option because anything else is impossible and I do not want to traumatize my mom and sister. Oh yeah and one of the biggest reasons I want to die is because my dad who I was very close to, passed away in July of 2020. He died of cardiac arrest/ severe health problems. Ever since then, I have been so weak and sensitive and I hate it. I was told this would make me stronger mentally but that was a fucking lie. I actually hate myself for this and its mostly the little things that actually hurt me. If disagrees with opinion that I think is pretty good, I would overthink it think in my head that my opinion was stupid or something like that. I am awkward, lonely, not very smart, and no confidence.I think my mom thinks I am a loser because I sit in my room all day doing whatever whether that is watching YouTube, playing video games etc. I have no motivation for anything and my attention span is also bad. My relationship with my sister is complicated, she is 4 years younger than me, smart for her age, and is better than me at most things. Now my mom always tells me I am surrounded by family and friends (for the passing of my dad) but the problem is I do not know 90% of your fucking family mom, and the people that I am close with, do not understand me! My friends are good friends I guess, but are too awkward to ask me about my day and feelings and that stuff, which is fine, were dumb teenage boys. My mental health is hard to put into words, but I just feel very lonely and worthless with no meaning. I just really hate myself. I really want to kill myself",Suicidal +9839,"not dead, neither alive. I live in a nightmare with no way out. I just cannot take it any more. I had a bright future 10 years ago that was wasted because of misophonia. I cannot work or study because neighbors are too busy making noises 24/7. And the few seconds while they are quiet, I am wasted. I take 6 different medications everyday just to deal with the damage. it is like you having diabetes and people force feeding you sugar 24/7. there is no cure, i cannot take any more headphones all day long because my head is tired. i have no more will to fight, i kind of accept my destiny now. I almost had a heart attack yesterday and today because the fucking asshole upstairs kid was jumping the hell over my head, despite them having two fucking floors + the playground bellow. we have talked with them many times, they know it. I do not hate them, in fact we are friendly but i have a trauma related to kids jumping. It all started 10 years ago with this kid's cousin. Then, another cousin was born. And now, another. They do not live here but it is a fucking nightmare. I am a shadow of who i was. i do not feel alive. And i cannot sell now the apartment because justice in my shitty country only works for bandits(long story, too painful to even say it). I have no money to get out and feels like someday my heart will finally stop beating. i feel like a zombie",Suicidal +9119,"I am sorry for this wall of text. I thought I was over getting triggered by things. Apparently not. Staying at my nans house again was fucking awful and I saw some shit that was just too fucking relatable. My parents get mad at me when my rooms a mess but I just do not have the energy to clean it. I do not want to get out of bed anymore but I have no choice. I am so tired of everything, and I am pissed off at myself for being tired of my friends. they are all lovely people I do not know why I should be tired of them. I just want school to start so I have something to do again. I have been off for at least three months now and I still have another one left. Its fuckin agony. I just want to kill myself but there is so much shit stopping me and I hate it. But if guns were fucking legal I would not be here right now ig. I am sorry for ranting. Idk anymore",Suicidal +24257,"So I just started group therapy today. I attend thru zoom. I just completed my second session today.Every day before group you have to fill out a daily assessment about how you are feeling including suicidal thoughts or any plansI am very suicidal right now. Just cannot work up the courage to do it and cannot get past the guilt of loved ones Ill leave behind. I have answered both assessments honestly about my suicidal thoughts and plans.So after group today, I get a call from them saying the doctor wanted to speak with me. He asks me about my suicidal ideation and wants to know if I think I am a m going to hurt myself or others. I told him I definitely will not hurt anyone else. He replies that if I do not tell him no for both he will send the police to my house and have me baker acted. He was very aggressive about it. I have been inpatient before and do not like the feeling of being locked up. So I told him no I will not hurt myself or others.So now I am thinking I should just lie on the assessment from now on because I do not want to have to go thru this every day with being questioned for I fill the form out honestly. I mean I am sure its just so they would not be liable if I did hurt myself and they did not take action after learning I was having thoughts.But if I lie on the assessment, how is that helping me get thru the suicidal thoughts. I am so confused and upset about this.Any advice will help. I need help please. To admit or not admit",Suicidal +19539,"I was just like, ""...no why?"" . Fuck, I thought it was not obvious, damn, I am terrible at hiding this shit. My mate literally just asked me if I was depressed",Suicidal +16414,"I am In a weird spot. Ever since covid, I feel like suicide is actually inevitable to me. Like I want to know when I am dying, opposed to dying any other way. I am close to quite a few people but I feel like no one actually cares about me. I am the one that reaches out, I am the one who cares more than my family and friends. I just feel so alone, like I am trapped in hell. I am 23 almost 24, been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was 11. Had a traumatic childhood.. and now I just live with this eternal emptiness inside of me. Like no matter how good life can be at times, its never enough to eradicate this personal sadness and hopelessness that seems to plague me from time to time. I think about death, dying, and mortality all the time. The strange thing is I do not want to die, I just do not want to deal with life. Does that make sense? It feels like there is no point to me being here. I want to die before having to face the days my siblings or parents or friends die, I want to end this cycle of hopelessness that sits with me for years. Can someone tell me what is the fucking point of life? Work a job and scrap together money for survival? Spend most of my time alone in my head? Death is inevitable for everyone, I just want to control and know when its my time. Depression and anxiety wear me down constantly, I just wish I could feel actually happy and understand the point to repeating these days over and over again. Does anyone else feel like this? I hide these feelings so well, I feel like people would be shocked if I pulled the trigger.. I do not know what to feel anymore..",Suicidal +13915,"Okay, I really do not want to sound like a pussy, and a person that is ""lazy"" or ""just does not want to do their job"". I have a really bad tendency to go to work, work way too fast or too slow (from my point of view) but I cannot slow down, so I end up burning myself out. I go to work everyday from 3 PM to midnight. it is been sapping all of my time and energy. The drainage and time taken away from me is making me believe that this life is ultimately pointless. I am attending university and I am a part of a fraternity, but I am scared to reach out to any of my brothers about my suicidal thoughts, mainly because I do not want them to think of me as someone who ""just does not want to go to work"". this is seriously hurting me, I am really scared. What do I do? My job is making me suicidal",Suicidal +19270,"I am only 15 and I know a lot of you will say you wish you can be 15 again, but I feel stuck in the same pattern of worthlessness and just being very depressed. I do not truly have anyone and do not think I ever will because of my own low self esteem and insecurities. I just want to be loved and accepted but I do not know if Ill ever truly feel happy and loved. Is it even worth it",Suicidal +10428,"Its been up and down for a while but I think she left for good the only person who I really felt loved by and understood by. Always there for me at our best, I tried but it was not enough. How do I be ok? How do I stop feeling this pain? Long term girlfriend left me",Suicidal +27321,"Is it climate change? Is it the rising housing prices? Is it my worthless brain? Is it to pay bills, with money I do not have, from jobs I cannot keep? Is it to be alone forever, each day growing further apart from my friends & family? Is it watching my family grow older and older and dying and having to take care of them? Is it working for any reason and having your savings stolen by your parent? Is it living with repressed childhood trauma and untreated ADHD for my entire life? Is it constantly getting my hopes up about a job or college and then quitting after one week? Is it laying in bed wanting to just sleep until I am dead?Jesus H fucking Christ. No good comes from my being alive. it is JUST suffering. Never any happiness, never any success, never any connections with anyone, never any sympathy or accomodations for living with multiple disabilities, nothing.Anyone who says I ought to deal with any one of these things, and not just off myself over it, is a fucking moron who gets off on the idea of ""saving lives."" it is really disgusting to me. ""Oh, why do not you prolong your suffering for me? I like to watch sick things have a slow and miserable death."" that is all any of these sick fucks are really saying. Fuck them. Honest to God, what reason do I have to be alive?",Suicidal +9164,"Since age 10 or so I have never had a friend that cared about me, only those shitty ass school ""friends"", whose only activity was to play fucking boring and dumb video games. My whole teen life was thrown away with sitting in front of a rectangle screen and wasting life. Now I realized that life brings joy with good friends and meeting each other. Fuck man, I have never experienced that! Everytime I go to the city I see groups of people and then there is me, awkwardly going alone through the streets... Of course there is my older brother, who has a good paying job, a wife, good friends and he even moved 3 times already! And there is me, 18 years old, finished highschool and I am scared of job life. In 4 days I should be applied to studying something and I know that I cannot do it. Of course I got bullied in secondary school and since then I did not even know what the word ""social"" meant.This should not even be such a long text but I felt like ranting today.. I hope someone can relate :c Anyone else never had a good friend, who was interested in you? (after childhood)",Suicidal +14593,"I mean, not having money is like a slow death sentence. Forget the material stuff, in this life you got to pay for food, water, clothing, medicines, or a place to stay, things you need to keep existing.I bet life before money was a lot simpler. Humans just needed to worry about hunting for food, they lived in their small huts made of straw, stone or whatever, and I do not think they ever sat on a rock and pondered about their existence, wishing to die.Nowadays people will even kill or do some horrible stuff in order to get some stupid pieces of paper with faces and numbers in them, because that is the only thing that can keep you alive in this goddamn fucked up shitty world. it is crazy how your life must depend on money",Suicidal +11938,"A ramble, sorry. I have no friends, no family, no life, no job, no hobbies, no money, and most importantly as of right now, no health insurance to get better to possibly get help to fix myself to have these things. If I cannot get therapy or medication or psychiatric help then nothing matters. Everyone throws around get therapy when someone is struggling but not everyone fucking can, so stop telling people that, its infuriating. A huge debt and hospital bill will probably make me want to die more; so? I am paranoid all the time, I cannot stop analyzing every single thing to death. I do not think right anymore. thought negatively for so long I believe it. I do not think people can change, I try and try and I keep going back to how I was. It has to be untrue that you can get better because I have done so much and I am not. I am miserable, I am sad all the time. I do not care about life. do not care about even finding something enjoyable to do because I just do not care. I do not care about any of the things everyone else cares about (family, career, hobby blah blah blah) I do not believe in purpose or meaning because we are just a bag of cells, some hyper intelligent apes that just run around a world that tells you how to live and defines you based on looks, money, success. I am extremely self conscious and insecure, I have tried every single thing to fix this and actually for once like myself but you cannot do that if you actually do not like yourself, can you force yourself to like someone else? No. So why should I force myself to like myself when I literally cannot because I am hideous and disgusting and getting older. We used to not live until we were 30 before modern medicine and such, but now we are prolonged to live until we are seen as worthless. Ageism is a thing. I have suffered with anorexia for 8 years, I was abused and neglected as a child and then abused again at 19. I am 22. I miss being young as well, I hate that I am 22 and I do not want to age anymore I rather die young than die old pissing myself in my diaper and being alone. I never leave my house, I hate people so very much. They seem selfish, dangerous, and I cannot relate to their minds because they operate correctly and mine is going a million miles a second. I think deeply about thinking deeply. I am scared and anxious so much from everything and trauma its physically effecting me. I am fatigued and sleep and act like I am sick. Maybe I am sick but cannot afford any medical care!!! I hate my body, face, hair, and skin. I hate my personality, my voice, my thoughts and thinking patterns. My family is gone or have been the reason of how fucked up I am. My friends hate me and moved on years ago. I only have a SO and they are why I am here today. But, my insecurities and jealously is ruining that too. I am not good enough in so many ways, I am so miserable its showing up everywhere and again there is no help for me. I cannot even afford sliding scale help or any of the fucking rest. My sleep is not even restful as nightmares haunt me daily and make me wake up so so so sad. God, I wake up sad every day. My body hurts, my heart is broken. I just do not want to live here anymore but I really do not want to hurt my SO, but I have been so strong for so fucking long just for my SO, but I cannot take it anymore I cannot do this anymore and I cannot breathe because of how much I hurt. Nothing can help at this point I am seriously too far gone. I cannot function at all, I cannot socialize. I do not want to live poor anymore because I am too anxious for work, I do not want to live. I do not want to die either I really fucking am scared and terrified of death but the pain I feel the aching dull feeling of despair in my stomach is just too fuckingr much right now. I am safe right now but I am writing this out because I lurked this sub for so long and I wanted to write 10% of what is going on and figure out what to fucking do from here. I do not think I can keep going for another year. Nothing can be said",Suicidal +9227,"I am not sure what else I can do I am so exhausted I really do not want to wake up, there is a part of me that is so scared but I just do not know how much longer I can do this I have a plan to take 40 solpadeine tablets, after work tomorrow I plan to buy a bottle of vodka and take them and go to sleep.",Suicidal +14708,"Hello, my name is Isabel and I am 15 years old. For the last 3 years of my life I have lived with a strange disease that causes me daily pain. I have been going to doctors for 3 years and none seem to find anything, so they have referred the illnes to psychological causes, and now I am in treatment but I do not think that it is working. When I do not feel bad (rarely) I forget that at some point I have felt bad and I almost believe that my well-being will last forever, but then it always comes back. Painkillers do not even work most of the time. I am only 15 years old but I am so tired of living like this day by day, for so long, wondering why me and knowing that I may have YEARS ahead of me in the same situation with no ona giving me any solution. During this time I have been on the verge of giving up on many occasions, and in the end I always get up again, but I cannot take it anymore. Really not. I just want to be at damn peace. I am 15 and I have been struggling with a rare illness for the past three years and I am done",Suicidal +21309,I am broke but have found money to drink like usual. I do not have a drinking problem I have an escaping from my feelings problem. Sometimes its food or tv or games or my phone. But. The thing is this week is so important. I have several interviews for high paying jobs. I will not be broke anymore. But instead of celebrating I still want to die. I do not want to do this all by myself anymore. I am all alone financially supporting myself my bf my animals. I love them all and I do not want to leave. But they deserve better. I do not know. I am broke lol,Suicidal +7283,"I can bet nobody's going to read this or see this at all. And I can also predict that if somehow, miraculously it does, people will become ""concerned"" over me, despite not knowing me and my demons and sins in the slightest, claiming that they know better and that this stupid excuse of ""life"" is worthwhile when of course, it is not. &#x200B;everyone is stuck in their own labyrinth they have built for themselves, and have had others built too. The fucking inane pointless childish and fickle way that this universe decides to rule over ""life"" and manage it is sickening and embarrassing. &#x200B;There is no damn use for it at all, and I despise every single aspect of it. &#x200B;We are only united by our ignorance, and that is all. &#x200B;every passing day it is become increasingly apparent, yet harder somehow to see. &#x200B;>!there is one thing for certain, and that is when I die, the sleeping dragon within me will be set free and will bring retribution at last to everything in its wake. it is just a matter of time, no more, no less, and we are all wandering the same paths aimlessly of our own delusions and grandeur.!< &#x200B;Everything once remembered will be forgotten. &#x200B;Everything once made will fall, and so will I. &#x200B;For That day, I will no longer be weak, as my life will fade away into the dust from when we once came. All I ask is for no responses or votes please. &#x200B;Let this fall into the void I will eventually have to jump into or fall alongside this abomination I am. This post does not matter, nor do I.",Suicidal +19429,I do not even understand why suicide is considered wrong. If anything suicide does everyone else a favour by not having to get rid of you themselves. Why should peoples existence burden others when those same people can just free their loved ones from themselves. I cannot wait until Saturday so everyone can finally celebrate I am gone. I wish I was never born. I am such a mistake in this world. So tired,Suicidal +20569,I hope you all have a terrible time. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,Suicidal +20814,to those with physical or emotionally abusive parents how did you hold up..? i just wish sometimes that i did not have to deal with the struggles of knowing a loved one wants me gone. did any of you all find ways to block them out of maybe just make the words stop stinging? its like being trapped in a confusing block from questioning yourself to thinking if you made up or not some days i feel better but something has to ruin it. I am sorry. question,Suicidal +21256,"I have this dumb habit of overflowing jealosy whenever I listen to music, watch movies or internet videos, read articles. I am jealous of succesful people and often imagine myself in their shoes, situations which will never happen and once I am back to reality it is sadness, anger. No, I am not talented, I am lazy uneducated and antisocial scum so there is no chance I would ever be like thst. I think I do not want to get better and do not want to live at all because I will never reach life which would satisfy me. I can get better and life grey and boring life but I feel like that would just put me back in the depressed shoes. So I kind of gave up on living because there is no living for me to have in the first place. Still sucks to look at other people's smiles while holding tears myself. I think I am like that because I cannot accept living as basic boring person",Suicidal +19237,Need help right now. Feeling suicidal. Please someone help me get through this. Urgent help,Suicidal +8276,"I am 15 and my brother died a few months ago. It was horrible and I was very close to killing myself, but a profound drug experience saved me. I finally thought that the bad days were over and I could start feeling somewhat normal, and then I learn my sister is in the hospital and will die tonight. Also my dad is in the hospital in horrible condition and could very well die this month or week. I cannot fucking do this anymore. It just keeps getting worse",Suicidal +21163,"Seriously. Fuck this shit. Not as much as a hbd message on snapchat to acknowledge me. Fucking hate it here My Friends Forget Its My Birthday, I say Forget Them, Ill Focus On Myself and Get Some Acid To Cheer Me Up, Them My Plug Forgets Me Too Guess Ill kill myself then.",Suicidal +15502,"I am just going to lay down and let things happen, I am not going to hurt myself or anything, I am just giving up I give up",Suicidal +23937,I cannot handle this I just cannot I do not know what to do at this point I dropped going to school forfew years now last every single friend I ever had my family never talks to me and know nothing about me I push everyone away I cannot handle being around people and dread going out I alway smile and make stupid jokes but as soon as I get back to my room I sit in the dark and put something on the tv most of the time something animated since its feels like a break from reality then just lay they all day and night feeling empty randomly crying I tried cutting my self and it did nothing but put scars over me I attempted a few times now and most of the times did nothing or just made me feel like shit I think I am going to end it all soon after I complete something off my bucket list I cannot handle this I have no one at all to talk to for the last few years or to even text I am only ever on my phone at this point to search something up but never more then an hour a day I am trying to get a job to save up money to do a few thing before I end it but have not been very motivated i see my self hating everything i liked before and feeling like even my own family seem like stranger i kept trying to tell my self it just because I am young and do not understand anything then that it was the drugs causing it but then i stopped doing them and nothing change i should be going into 11th grade but my parents not going to make me like that did not make me 7-10th I cannot even To recconect with old freinds since I moved and deleted there contact information any sorry for rumbling doubt anyone cares or read it just wanted to have something somewhere that proves that I existed I am getting left behind,Suicidal +20430,"I am so tired of failing at everything.I am tired of being a disappointment to myself and others.it is been this way my whole fucking life...barely passed middle school, failed and dropped out of High School. Got a GED and tried going to college only to drop out because of abysmal grades and horrible anxiety/depression.Went to therapy, psychiatrist the whole deal, it did not fix anything. Got diagnosed with ASD (basically what most people call Aspergers) and got on some meds for awhile.Meds helped a bit with the anxiety but they turned me into a zombie, effectively killing the last two neurons I had left.Dropped the meds and decided to try my hand at college again...it was pathetic, performance was even worse than before and I washed out a second time.Could not hold a steady job during this entire time either. I am so fucking stupid I fuck up even basic tasks. I have Worked a string of minimum wage jobs here and there until now and I have sucked at every one of them.Here I am about to turn 26 and I fucking hate what a pathetic looser I am. (I am a autistic, friendless, borderline unemployed, virgin dumbass who struggles to perform basic everyday human activities)My failures are not just academic and work related. I have never had any semblance of a social life either. Never had friends growing up NOT A SINGLE ONE. I was always alone, it worried my parents, they tried to help but clearly it did not. I have never had a friend, never dated, had sex or even had a halfway decent conversation with anyone not related to me. Every interaction I have ever had has been nothing but surface level politeness nothing more. Not that I would have anything interesting to say to anyone anyway since I have no life experiences or interesting thoughts to share. I have basically been a hermit for as long as I can remember. Everything feels so god-damned difficult and it produces so much anxiety that I basically hide from everything and every failed attempt at anything that want or feel that I should do causes me to sink even deeper into this hole I have spent my whole life digging.I wish I was like my siblings. Successful, smart, loved and respected. My parents would never say that they are disappointed in me, their love for me is unquestionable. I can however see it in their faces; feel it everytime they ask how I am doing or what my plans are. That tone of voice that tries to sound reassuring but instead sounds like they are questioning themselves on what went wrong, why I am the way I am.I do not even know where I am going with this other than the fact that I just want jt to be over. I give up. I am tired of being a damn waste of oxygen. I cannot stand another day of struggling on a shitty job, only to come to an empty apartment and sleep until the next day because I do not have it in me to try anymore...I have tried, for 26 years I have given everything I got and it always failed. My absolute BEST efforts are often less than other peoples ""half-assed"" rush jobs. I am tired of feeling like the dumbest person in every room I am in. I am tired of never being taken seriously. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of never having anything go how I want it to.Some of you may read this and think its impossible to actually fail at everything and yet here I am. The only things I possess have been handed to me out of pity by my family, superiors or just the occasional kind stranger. I have not earned ANY of what I have. It is actually a bit comical how bad I am at just living. My existence has an almost slapstick quality to it, the problem is that while that shit may be funny on screen its actually fucking depressing in real life.So here I am typing this while I think about wether I should buy Helium or a Shotgun. Helium would be peaceful and leave an intact corpse (less traumatizing on my survivors) . But a shotgun seems faster and easier to acquire ('Merica!) but my head will essentially look like someone threw a plate of chunky tomato sauced Spaghetti at the wall... The thing that scares is I will probably botch my suicide too and survive this shit with irreversible damage that will make my existence even shittier...wich is why I am probably stalling myself by typing this shit on here...if only I could just die in my sleep... Failure...",Suicidal +15609,"I drove over to the local bridge to inspect it. I wanted to find the other bridge to see if it was any taller but I got lost, made a few wrong turns, and drove father away from the first bridge. So I went home instead. I googled somewhere along the lines of ""painless way to kill yourself"". If i jumped off the bridge I could have lived and the consequences are much more unthinkable. If I ate pills, I could live and experience permanent damage to the brain. If I drank alcohol, well Id have to drink too much alcohol to kill myself and Id be vomiting before then. If I shot myself, I could live. Possibly be a vegetable and I think that is worse for everyone than if I were to be dead. So I am here laying in bed, sobbed myself into a migraine, stil contemplating suicide but it is less intense now. If there was a painless way to kill myself I would not be here right now.",Suicidal +37391,"@neilpk70 @2pc_Viking @DianeMariePosts @M_S_Fricker You are being narrow minded....it's about the people, who jsut… https://t.co/4gsj86SZmV",Suicidal +17710,I might as well kill myself sooner I cannot fucking take it living another stupid worthless fucking day. I hate being being alive every second that passes by i just meant to claw away at my damn skin until I reach bone. Every single day is just a waste of time and I do not enjoy any second of it. I cannot take it what is the point,Suicidal +11099,I found the pills I can use. I order them with express shipping so they will be here tomorrow morning. If I am being honest I am scared but I am also kind of excited. I found them.,Suicidal +15775,"Since I took the decision I see things differently, i feel calmness, I am not even sad, I feel happy and relieved because I found the solution to all my suffering. I am not scared of death anymore I just have to take the hardest step and say goodbye for once, I do not want anyone to stop me I already made the decision to die but I do not know how to say goodbye",Suicidal +10944,i wish i could at least loose my memory so things would not hurt so much. it hurts,Suicidal +7880,"Will I change my mind once I do it? If anyone has tried but failed, why did that happen. I know you should do it vertically and that is basically it Is wrist cutting successful?",Suicidal +11526,"Hello,Decided to keep myself occupied by working 75 hour shifts at my job & get my money up. Been putting my debt aside for awhile now & I have come to terms that I cannot let it go on like this. Baby steps for me to become healthy, I need to be financially free. My main goal in life is to be free. I do not want to feel chained, I do not want to feel like I have any ties with this planet, & to do so I really need to discipline myself, but before that I need to play catch up. So this is what I am on, hoping to feel better after I get this debt out the way. Hope everyone out here reading is trying as well. Were not alone. Day #4 07/23/2021 6:41PM CST",Suicidal +17654,"I have been struggling with severe depression for almost a decade. I think its finally time that I close the curtain. I have already been shopping for parting gifts for all of my friends and family and am writing up how Id like to be buried etc. I just wanted to ask if anyone had some funny jokes or wise words before I try to leave. I am very tired and no longer can take what the world has to offer. I would like positive memories before I go. Thank you. : ) Hopefully finally leaving in a few days, would like jokes, words of advice, etc before I end it",Suicidal +21986,I have the urge to self harm and the itch for perks and molly every day I am having a really bad panic attack,Suicidal +27081,I have started seeing a phycologist and a therapist I have attended a few sessions and I just do not see how it would work in making me normal again. I get that I have only had a few sessions and I am going to give it a go but so far I do not see how it could help solve any of my problems. So I am just curious if seeing mental health professionals has actually helped anyone get better on here. Thanks Is there anyone on here who has had a positive experience with therapists/phycologist?,Suicidal +9544,"it is my birthday today and I did not think I would make it to this day. Truly. This year fucking sucks so far, man.I lost most of my friends, I have memory loss, I have been suicidal since pretty much the start of this year and I was certain that I would kill myself before my birthday.But I am still alive and present. Broken, but present. Happy birthday to me I guess.",Suicidal +9696,"I do not see any other option. I cannot achieve happiness in life. I am chasing a dream that i know I will never achieve. I have no reason to life for. I feel trapped doing the same things everyday. I have no friends, no social life, and i cannot talk to people for shit without getting anxiety attacks. life is just painful and i do not want to resist it anymore. why suicide got to be so hard? do not even want to wait till it gets better",Suicidal +23893,"I want to die so badly,why cannot just someone drive a car on me so i can die I want to die",Suicidal +9576,"God I feel so shitty constantly. Like I have not been happy in months. I tried to share how I was feeling with a couple friends, and we are not friends anymore because I am depressing to be around. The only thing that has stopped me from killing myself is I did not want to fail and end up paralyzed or brain damaged or in a mental hospital.Life is just so shit. I had to do a gun safety course to be allowed to buy a gun, but I finally got in and passed it and now I can buy a shotgun. I cannot wait to be out of this absolute fucking shithole of a planet.The worst part of depression is I know nobody else can help me, and I am too far gone to help myself. I have tried what I could. I am basically a walking pharmacy, I have been to therapy, I have talked to family. Nothing actually helps at all.Anyways I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. I think I will finally be able to do it.",Suicidal +14689,"I am too much of a coward to go through with it, but I do not want to wake up tomorrow I want to die so fucking much",Suicidal +17299,"I am a 17 year old male that has suicide thought and attempts. I feel like everyone is watching me over and over again. I have got PTSD, Autism, ADHD, paronia, suicide thought, depression, I hear voice and I am on anti-depressants. The past couple of years my depression has not been that bad but now it like everything I push to one side is back and I cannot keep fighting like this anymore I am in the morning I do not even want to take my meds. When I am out I feel like commiting suicide. How do I stop the feeling, voice and the pain",Suicidal +23762,"I want to commit suicide but I do not have access to a firearm, and I would rather not mess around with hanging or an exit bag. My plan is to fill a backpack of heavy items, swim out to sea as far as I can wearing it, and drown. I have heard drowning is an awful way to go but does it really matter if you are going to die at the end of it? By that point, death is a welcome release. Is drowning a bad way to go?",Suicidal +17507,"I want to die.Its 10:15pm.I have been depressed non-stop for months.I barely eat, I barely sleep.This job is hell.I am just a number on a page and a tool.No other job wants me.I am not good enough for any of them to hire me.My finances are kicking my ass.So many bills.I am alone so often its getting miserable.I just wish she was home more so I could talk to her.I do not enjoy anything I used to.I do not have any healthy coping mechanisms.I just play videos games to try and distract myself from the harsh reality of things.Even that is not really working. I keep masturbating to distract myself but even that does not work.Its not even a lust thing, I am just trying to escape it all.I am scared that is she finds out she will hate me. Idk how or what to say.I just want help.A shoulder to cry on. Something.My parents would not understand.My friends definitely would understand.I am scared She will be mad at me.I want help but I cannot even make myself vulnerable enough to get it.I am under so much pressure to be perfect and I cannot live up to it.I am starting to hate myself for being this weak. I am starting to feel like killing myself is the easiest option I have.",Suicidal +20109,I live with my sister and her boyfriend who bully me everyday. It makes me have no motivation to do anything anymore. It makes me feel like nothing matters. I am depressed about my living situation,Suicidal +26120,I am just feeling so tired of everything. I feel so lonely and I do not know how to make it better. I am really trying and everyone thinks I am better but really tonight I can feel myself so tempted to make everything go away or at least go back to self harm. I just want it all to stop. Its all too loud I am really scared and I cannot be alone right now,Suicidal +10092,"I am sorry for being a failure, I am sorry for dissapointing everyone, I am sorry that everything I touch dies, I am sorry that I am not capable of being normal and I am truely sorry for existing. Some people do not deserve to exist and there is nothing I can do to stop myself from existing than asking sorry to everyone. Sorry for everything",Suicidal +25966,"I think my life is a mistake from the moment I was conceived. My dad never wanted to have children, and when I was born, he spent years trying to make me change. The truth is I am not the son he wanted me to be. I have always been sensitive, and flamboyant. I did not like sports, I always felt more comfortable when I was around girls, and I later found out I was gay. For years I struggled- and still struggle- with that, not only because I feel like I will never be enough for my father, but also because I live in a very homophobic state in a very homophobic country. I grew up being the punching bag for the boys around me, and that led me to having countless traumas, of which I cannot let go until this day. These traumas caused me to isolate myself because I thought anyone I met would dislike me for being gay. I became really shy and unable to open up to the point where I cannot befriend anyone because people feel like they cannot approach me. The last time I made a friend was four years ago, and I feel terrible for that.I never felt like I was good at anything. The only thing I was proud of was that I (thought I) was smart. I spent all my school years trying to be the best student- and I was- hoping that it would grant me a good future, or maybe a feeling that I was doing something; going somewhere. But today I got the response from my dream university and I could not get in. I am so fucking useless that I was able to fail the one thing I have been preparing for over the last 8 years of my life.I cannot see myself in one, five, let alone 10 years. I have a passion, which is writing. I also really love music. But none of these will give me a future, at least not where I live. I also feel terrible that I am feeling like this, because I was supposed to have a good life. I always had food on my plate, my parents are able to afford all of our expenses, including a few luxuries now and then. There are millions, billions of people who have a much harder time than me, and I wish I could switch places with them, because they would make much better use of my opportunities than I do.I wish I had something to cling to. Maybe the idea of a God who will make everything be worth it in the future. Or that fate holds great things for me in the long run. But deep down I know that all of this- life- is just a sequence of coincidences, and nothing will guarantee that my tomorrow will be different from yesterday. I feel like I was born to die",Suicidal +26253,I see all the hype about manifesting things and experiences for oneself and I thought I would be interesting to manifest death. Now I have 0 experience with manifestation but if it works for other things why would not it work for dying too? It would be perfect especially if you got to die the way you choose to. Well just a random thought as I am one those people who want their death to look like an accident but all the options are too gruesome or likely to fail and end up in some vegetative state.I do not know if people who manifest things are suicidal but it would be interesting to find out. Can you manifest death?,Suicidal +7637,"as a depressed person, who happens to be dating another (severely) depressed person i feel lost. i do not even want to live myself but it pains me even more to see her become even more self destructive. i care about her a lot and it hurts having to constantly hear her talk about how she plans to kill herself. i do not know how to help her, i do not even know how to help myself.. but i cannot just do nothing. does anyone have any advice? Advice for what to say to my suicidal partner?",Suicidal +11911,"I am a female and 20 years old. I have been hiding a secret from everyone for a long time and it is the reason why I think about death everyday. Nobody knows about this, not even my parents know how bad it is. About 2 years ago, I found something on my vulva which looked unfamiliar. I had to go to the hospital to check it. It turns out that I had 2 cysts on my clitoral hood skin, and they had to be removed because of possible malignancy. The surgeries did not go well. First I was quite shocked, because it looked a bit different, but I might could have lived with it still. But then, around 5 months after the surgery and when the doctors also told me that everything healed well now, I got a random scar infection out of the blue. Now I have a quite significant scar on the right side on my clitoral hood. My labia minora and clitoris were left intact but because of this, I cry everyday. The whole experience was so traumatic I got pretty severe PTSD. I cannot even talk to a psychologist about it. People on dating apps have called me pretty and what not, but I always backed off when they asked for a date because I thought its senseless anyways. I do not want to tell my story to everyone I get intimate with since its pretty traumatic, and who is still going to like me with all these scars? It just looks horrible in my opinion, I feel like a monster when I look at myself. I am just doomed to die forever alone. Since this happend, I fantasize about death everyday. I also isolated myself from most people because of this secret and I cannot tell anyone about it. I would love to atleast have a friend or someone to cuddle with but I also did not really find that. my biggest secret - a life without love",Suicidal +20069,"I really hate having to wait about a week for that one spot on my leg to heal a bit so I can start cutting again. Id cut in other places but then people would see and we do not want that. Hell, waiting feels worse than actually cutting. I hate having to wait",Suicidal +14503,"it is so hard seeing others live the life you would kill for. i do not know why but i was wondering where my elementary classmates ended up. they all come from super-wealthy families and were not the smartest, but they graduated from the best school and programs. the ylive amazing perfect lives with perfect bodies, the whole entire world at their disposal. while i have to take extra time to finish a stupid university degree I have no passion for and just watch as my mental illnesses take everything away from me. I am not going to end it all but I have thought about it every day since i was 12. I have ruined my body and life, nothing brings me joy anymore. I have always despised being an only child as at least if i had a sibling they could take the responsibility of being a functioning person for my parents and not me. I am in constant physical and mental pain and its just not fair because i just want it all to stop, and even that is not my choice. i want to leave so bad i know comparing is bad",Suicidal +15433,"I am completely shaken. This lady sounded SO insanely bored, I have talked to Internet-provider customer service workers with more pep and care. Was in the midst of a crisis, at a total loss. I could not think straight, struggling to talk through tears. It was like she did not even listen to what I was saying.I used precious vacation days and spent the last week off from work because of my mental health. Instead of taking steps to get better like I planned, I could not even get off the couch to brush my teeth or cook. I have to go back to work tomorrow and know I simply cannot do it, I cannot even get dressed. But I used up all my vacation days, and I DESPERATELY need money. For the last 5 months until July, I was paying two rents because I had to move early due to WFM protocol ending, and was just BARELY scraping by. I have a lot of medical debt, paying 200/month for past therapies. I cannot go to a doctor right now, I simply do not have the money. I already have a $500+ backlog of payments to make to my current therapist, who is been graciously patient while I get my finances in order.I told her all this, and she was like in this flat tone ""okay, what is your plan C?"" as if it was just the easiest thing I could come up with on the spot. And I was just, stunned in silence for a moment, and then just hung up.This just feeds as another sign that this world is horrible and life is not worth living. I look desperately for help, and cannot find any. The top result for google searches of ""depression hotline"" or ""mental health crisis hotline"" is all ads for things that look like scams. It feels so hopeless.I just needed to vent. I emailed my therapist asking for his guidance, so at least tomorrow I will have something to go on. Just called the Suicide Prevention Hotline, I am in absolute shock by how horrible it was",Suicidal +18295,"I live in a lovely houseWhere I have everything I need to be happy.I enjoy reading books for hours,With a cup of coffee in hand to help me focus.If I get tired, I can take a soothing bath,And let the hot water burn away the stress.And doing chores is always funWhen listening to upbeat music.But one day, a mosquito entered the house.The mosquito followed me, biting me and buzzing in my ear.The stings bothered me while doing chores,And I could not hear the music with that buzzing.However, I am happy in this house,As I have always been.So I let the mosquito keep annoying me,And pretend it is not there while I do the things that make me happy.Now, there are three mosquitoes in my house.I wonder where they come from.The buzzing sound makes me lose focus,Now I do not know which paragraph I was on.And when I bathe,They attack my naked body.However, I am happy in this house,As I have always been.So I let the mosquitoes keep annoying me,And pretend they are not there while I do the thing that make me happy.Now my house is full of mosquitoes.I wonder why there are so many.I do not even know what book I was reading.And without realizing it, I eat mosquitoes that were taking a bath in the coffee.I know the rest is waiting for me in the bathtub,So I do not shower anymore.All I hear is buzzing.All I feel is itching.there is nothing I can do.All I do in this house is cower in bed, my hands covering my ears.However, I am happy in this house.Or so Id like to believe.Because I no longer live in that house.In that house live mosquitoes, and a corpse. This is something I wrote, as a person who has had suicidal thoughts since childhood.",Suicidal +12275,Bruh I am so tired of living I just want to die I cannot talk to my friends anymore because I am too much I am about to he evicted my roommate does not care about being civil to me I hate myself so much I am about to just offer up my cat to my friend and just go hang myself in the woods I am so fucking tired of living Tired of it all,Suicidal +8114,I just cannot anymore I cannot,Suicidal +11009,After suffering with depression for the past 20 years and getting over it at points I feel like I am back at square one again. I have not felt this bad in years. I am just sat at a lake listening to Pink Floyd and wanting to throw myself in it (I cannot swim for heck) I hate this darned feeling. Why am I back here.,Suicidal +17970,"Every single fucking time I try and reach out to someone, assuming they are human, assuming they care because ""people are so decent bro you just need to talk"" I just get FUCKED and put into a place way worse than I was before I even knew them. People deliberately go out of their fucking way to not just reject me, but do so in the most painful and manipulative manner possible. If there is any possible way I could muster the will to keep living in my 3rd world shithole country where I am a loathed minority, I need to completely rob myself of any emotion. I need to accept that I am unlovable, will never love and that the concept of companionship is something I will never have....and that by itself is fucking making me so miserable.. I do not want to live like that. Now I am alone and all I can do is drink and cry in the middle of the night and I am tired of this song and dance. there is no way I can keep this up and I am afraid one day I will snap and actually kill myself. ""just socialize bro"" is genuinely making me want to off myself even more.",Suicidal +15619,"I suck at *everything* I do. I have not succeeded at anything I have tried to accomplish since I graduated high school, over 10 years ago. I am nearly 30 now and have a dead-end job that, while I technically make enough to get by without my parent's assistance (whom I currently live with), I would not be able to save any money and I fear I have capped out how much I can make with my educational background (that is to say, no educational background). What is there to do in this situation? I have no friends, no relationship, I have my parents and 2 siblings and a few people online I chat with from time to time. None of them have been able to help me see what I am good at, just lies and platitudes about what they *think* I am good at because, well, I have to be good at something, right? (Wrong.) I have no hobbies because I do not enjoy doing anything I am not good at (that is just how I am, please do not tell me to stick with something so I can get good at it, I get frustrated to the point of tears and property destruction if I am not already good at something). I have no career aspirations and even if I did I would not be able to succeed unless I graduated post-secondary, which I have tried to do 2 times and failed at, miserably. What do you do when you do not want to do anything? What do you work towards when you have no long-term goals, dreams, or aspirations? I have not found a good answer to this so at the moment, I am just existing, waiting for death or a time where there is literally no one left to care about me if I end it myself. I cannot do anything right, just waiting for death to take me at this point...",Suicidal +25020,"This day is my birthday. I have celebration with my ex today. But, I am not happy at all. I am feeling really sad, hopeless, unlovable. Only see darkness because of my trauma and my past. I do not have future. My mind keep tell me to suicide. I am exhausted. I want to end this pain. Maybe, it is enough for me to life until 30 years I want to end this pain",Suicidal +17133,"It never goes away and it seems that I am always searching for a reason. I can only lie to myself for so long; I am just confused with life. I was just in a motorcycle accident on Monday night and walked away with minor pain. I do not get how and I am questioning why I am still here. It seems like nothing is wrong with my life but my mind is telling me everything is wrong. &#x200B;What gets me the most is I want to tell someone I know what is going on with my mind/thoughts but I just cannot. I am not scared of the outcome; I have come to peace and acceptance this week. &#x200B;My birthday is coming up next week that I normally hate, but I secretly wish anyone would care and just smile at me. &#x200B;Is this confusing...am I lost? what am I feeling right now? I felt like I wanted to end it and acted on it before but this feels different. The feeling is back and things are different",Suicidal +25063,"I already have a plan. Ill wait until late at night then take an Uber to the train station. Then Ill wait for the train. My parents do not care about my mental health. And I cannot do another two years of this. If my life is not better or looking to be better by September, I am taking my life. I might actually do it",Suicidal +23835,"The universe keeps flipping the coin and It seems like I am always on the wrong side of that coin while I continue living miserably as others reap the rewards of my misery. Every step I take in the ""right"" direction takes me 20 steps back and every step I take in the ""wrong"" direction takes me 40 steps back as I lead the path to my own destruction. I used to be a firm believer of the idea that working hard will always have a positive outcome of success and I am yet to reap the rewards of my hard labor. Its seems like I will never catch a break, no one really cares about me and why should they. I got no family, no friends and nothing to live for. what is even more heartbreaking is I am still young and I believe I have true potential but I am just tired of fighting and pushing. I always wonder and ask myself ""why me"" and come to the conclusion that I have no one to blame but myself. As life goes on it keeps getting harder and harder and the simple things that used to be of the norm in my life are becoming extremely difficult to acquire. People usually say ""be grateful that your alive"" but I just want to die in peace. I am on the neverending path of misfortune and hate myself and everyone around me. The wrong side of the coin.",Suicidal +14612,Front man of Linkin Park :( Today marks 4 years since Chester Bennington died from suicide,Suicidal +8673,"I wish covid would have never ever happend. It sheddered me in 1000 pieces it broke me. I am completing lost. The only two friends I have left are school friends and one I do not even talk to and the other one is just pissed because I do coke. What has my life became? What is this? I used to go to the mall and eat out with my friend and then go shopping or to the park, movies and we talked and laughed it was fun. Drugs? If you would have given me 100 back then I would have not even thought about it. I only vaped sometimes and that already felt like a crime to me. And now? Not even drugs truly let me escape reality and alcohol I am just clueless and hopeless I wish covid would have never happened",Suicidal +18002,"I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I only stay in my dark room, I do not talk to people anymore. I used to cut myself a lot but then my parents thought it was a good idea to confiscate any sharp objects near me. It pisses me off to see people being happy. Trying to be positive.It pisses me off when people try to check up on me and help me. At this point I do not want to get better anymore. The only thing I can enjoy is thinking about death. The only thing I am looking forward to is death.Death is the only place where I can feel peace. If I am dead no one talks to me. If I am dead I cannot feel anything. If I am dead I will not exist on this shitty planet.Now why do people fear death so much? When it is literally an express ticket out of here. Death can bring us to true happiness by removing our existence and our thoughts and feelings.As I said before do not see this as a cry for help. I do not want to get better. I am just writing this and postinf because I was bored. Death",Suicidal +24556,"(if anyone wants to know the story ill post it in a comment under this)I am thinking of overdosing myself with my moms medications for her diabetes, i have strict parents and i want to get away from them but I am scared of fighting or rebelling against them. I am already 25, I am old enough to make my own decisions for fucks sakebut when i think about overdosing on my moms medications i started thinking about stuff like what if they do not get me to the hospital in time? what if i actually died and its frustrating because even now I am feeling scared i do not want to traumatize my boyfriend or anyone else with my suicidei actually already have a plan on how i would die, it would have to be me being separated and distant from everyone i know, i wanted to die peacefully and on my own so i know i will not hurt anyone too bad i want to end my life because I am weak and a coward",Suicidal +24360,"NOTHING is happening anymore I am completely in pain. I have never been like this before. I AM A TEENAGER. I should NOT be feeling like this. Every night I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep. That I never wake up ever again and have to deal with this pain I go through EVERY FUCKING DAY. I am tired of it. I lost that one person in my life for another boy and its been what like 2 years now and I am still not over her. People say oh you will be fine in a week which is total bullshit. I cannot stop thinking about ending it because nobody gives two shits about me in school and out. I will not be surprised one day if I decide to end me. I have already planned out my suicide, how am going to do it, where, only question is when? Well when I have nothing to live for. When all my family have passed away and I have nothing.. that is when Ill do it. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT.",Suicidal +7448,"Hi, I do not know why I am writing this here or anywhere at all, but I feel like a mess and do not know what to do and pheraps someone here can help me.I cannot say I have ever struggled in life, I had everything I needed to this day, my parents always suported me even when I probablt disnt deserve it, I have a social life and friends even tho I am not very social, I feel like I have every thing One would need to live right. However I do not feel good about myself, have not felt since around 7 grade. Even tho I had everyting i could not bring myself to work towards a future. I never tried my best in school even tho I was fully aware that I needed to study in order to get a good job and live a confortable life, to make my parents proud and retribute the effort they put in to me. I ended up staying one more year in highschool finnishing a subject i failed and that marks one of my biggest lows, I saw my friends going to college having fun but most importantly going forward towards something, and there I was left behind with no purpose whatsoever. I started to feel depressed and started to stay late at night just thinking about life itself, purpose, value, right and wrong, it would call it an existencial crisis where i looked at myself not as me but as 1 in 7 billion, things I had as absolute such as concepts and values started to seem subjective and as time went on i came to face what I now know as nihilism. I started to stop sleeping in my bed because it seemed pointless, talking to people seemed meaningless to me, i resorted to procrastination in a whole nother level just so I would not have to think about living and life in general, the world to my eyes was if it had lost its color. And that when it hit me, why do I have to live like this? All this thoughts, lonelyness, zero purpose, crying nights, what reason do I have to stay? Suicide made its home in my head from there on but I still feared deaths, there were a few times where I grabed my fathers gun and just sat on the floor thinking, can I do this? What if this? What if that? I never could bring myself to do it and I always ended up cryng over how I cannot commit to anything even could not bring myself to end that cycle. After sometime i friend presented me a girl which would become my first girlfriend, the first person to this day to make me feel loved even tho how shity I felt I was. The relationship had a bad start since due to what was going in my head i could not bring myself to fully trust anyone and she was no exeption, everytime she went out to party I was overwhelemed with axiety and panic attacks, i could not contain it and had to talk with her to calm down which would always mess her night. With time and her icentive i went to college as well, my parents had to getMoney from the bank to pay for it but i felt like I was getting out of my hole, fjnnaly a light at the end of the tunnel. But it was not like that, today she left me 5 months ago because of my lack of my pupose in life, even tho my parents made the biggest effort I still have to make an extra year in college due to subjects i left due to my lack of effort and purpose. And now I feel slowly faling back into that hole, I even lost 15kg working out and trying to better myself but still i cannot seem to bring myself to ""live"" and still lack pupose. I try doing things but allways find some sort of escapism. Lately I have been feeling like a lost case, i suicide has been on my mind lately as well, i just do not know what to do, I still fear death and the worst part is that I had EVERYTHING and I messed up, i threw out every oportunity that is was given to me while there are other people strugling and still make an effort to move forward, i feel miserable, a failiure, and a waste of effort that was put on me. I am sorry for the long text and the bad english but I dknt want to worry my family and friends but still wanted to share what I felt for at least on time in my life, thank you for reading and if you are strugling please keep going, oportunities will arise but please take them, make it worth it do not be like me. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +22032,"sometimes i feel fine and then everything somehow comes crashing down and i just want to be dead all over againive no motivation to do anything anymore, no friends,no family,no talents, absolutely nothing. I am a waste of space, i have not been able to do anything in days, i cannot eat and cannot sleep anymore and i honestly feel like I am already dead it does not get better",Suicidal +19773,"Honestly at this point life feels like a burden. I do not see a reason to live anymore. I am ugly and short. Yeah that is my problem. And nothing in the world frustrates me and advices like: Groom yourself, go to gym, skincare, be funny, be confident, be yourself, change yourself. You think I have not done any of those yet? Plus browsing subreddits like amiugly or amihot have depressed me even more because the supposedly ""ugly"" people there are so beautiful. I cannot cope and quite frankly I do not want to live a life where I am underprivileged.Today was my birthday too and I spent it all alone. Every time I see beautiful and nice looking people, I envy them to no extent. I cannot go out. I literally broke down while walking in front of people, when I saw people laughing and holding hands.People often say enjoy your life, eat good food. I cannot man I am sorry I have tried it and it are not working. Like anytime I see someone happy I get jealous. Plus people do not understand what it means to be truly ugly. Please give me a fucking reason to live.To be honest I do not even want to be in a relationship now, I do not want hugs, emotional support or intercourse. I just do not want to live.If you will put wings on me and throw me from a mountain, I would become a stealth aircraft. I am tired of my life.",Suicidal +26550,"Please, make it stop. I do not want to live anymore. I do not want to feel anything anymore. How am I supposed to fight my depression and my OCD at the same time, when every day that passes something worse than yesterday happens? Last night, my heart was broken. Now I do not know how I can live with that because it ruined something inside me. I want to die and I am considering it. I can only endure so much pain and this is too much. I am trying so hard to fix everything but it is never enough because something far worse happens every day. What have I done to deserve this? I want to escape so badly but I have nowhere to go. I can only hope that god will save me. I am trying but I cannot",Suicidal +24519,"I, 23M have been suicidal for years but more so in the recent months, as I just graduated from college and am unemployed. I would always been a fan of video games but a side effect of major depression is anhedonia and I began losing interest in those too. Last night I found a game called Hades which has amazing reviews. I downloaded it and stayed up til 3 am completely entranced the whole time. Today I woke up and was EXCITED, (an emotion I thought I was no longer capable of feeling), to keep playing the shit out of this game. A glimmer of hope",Suicidal +18362,"Well, I do not usually these kind of of things but 2 days ago I reached the ripe old age of 20, and I ""graduated"" senior high school. ""Graduated"" because I never actually did, I have been just lying to my parents for 2 years of my senior high, and my mother asked me which college I am going. I just responded in cryptic ways by saying ""there is delay in covid"". In reality I never attended grade 11 and 12. I have never like school because of the fake people. I did attend the first 4 months of 11th grade, and that is where I saw all the fake people. I scored the highest in 3 exams, and everyone was asking who ""my last name"" was, before those scores no one really ever talked to me, I was that odd quiet kid at the middle of the class. And I remember when I was 9th grade that I repeated because I was a lazy piece of garbage. I was still devastated, and so my 2nd year of 9th grade starts, I greeted my ""friends"" but they just looked at me with stabbing stares and payed me no mind. that is when I really hated people, I hated people who wanted to be my friend so they could take advantage of me. Years go by and during sometime around June. I just wanted to die, I was planning and planning that after my 20th birthday that I would either pull the trigger in some remote area where no one could find me. And then I reached July 12th. I had the gun all I needed to do was write my notes, give my savings to my parents and my younger brother, give away my stuff. 2PM of July 12th, I was listening to some songs on my bed before I take the bus to the middle of nowhere. But my brother (16) called me and asked if I wanted to play Minecraft with him and our cousin, so I said yeah sure, have a little bit of fun before going off. Then as we were playing, I was having so much fun with them, that I thought about everything, I thought ""how can I look after my brother if I am dead"" and other more thoughts came flooding in like ""I promised that I would buy my mother a mansion"" and ""how am I going to buy my dad a car that he wants if I die"" but the one that got me was ""dad has been risking his life in the seas for 11 years, how would he feel if he could not even see his eldest son's funeral, how would he feel if I killed myself, would he blame himself that he was not there for the majority of my life? Would he blame himself for being a shit father"", that thought was the one that made me break down in tears in my room, my father never finished high school, he only finished 8th grade, I heard stories that we were so broke when I was born that they did not have money to buy milk for me. So my father busted his ass at work, learned how to cook and got moved around to bigger and fancier restaurants, but that was not enough, so he studied a bit and applied to be a cook for a freight ship, I was 9 when he left, and since then he has never attended my birthdays because he was out at sea, working so we had money do what we want. He even gave me and allowance 4 months ago, he said that I should use that money so I could buy whatever I wanted, get myself fixed up, anything, instead of using that money to buy himself a new phone,he instead is enduring using an 8 year old phone. So that I could have an allowance for leisurely things, maybe he is doing this to get close to his eldest son, or he is doing this because he is an incredible father who loves his family. The fact that I rarely chat with him, and he still does this is amazing and proves that he is my hero, he really wanted me to be a cop, but I do not want to, it is not my passion nor my dream, he just wanted to see his son Graduate because he was not able to,I did not have the motivation back then that is why I lied about the 2 years of senior high school. I am planning on telling them everything, and my plans of killing myself is still lingering, but like my father, I am going to start from the bottom and claw my way to the top. I want to change, what is my passion and dream? To be a Pro MMA fighter or Boxer, in a fight of physical attributes I destroy my father sinc I am bigger and 19 years younger than him, but in a fight of heart and sheer fucking will, I am not match for him, not even a bit. I want to be known as the first Filipino UFC Champion, or the next Filipino boxing superstar, I realized that passion when I was in my 2nd year of 9th grade, a pahse where I just said fuck it and joined the boxing club. Thank you for taking time to read and bearing my shitty writing, I will not forget this moment, and once I make it big I will come back here. I love you all and I love you dad. Just want to tell the world about my father.",Suicidal +24103,"Ever since I was little, people have viewed me as something to extract fromfamily, partner, my workplace. I give and am lied tothey tell me I am valuable (as long as the relationship stays one sided. ) I am trying to flip that pattern and make myself be seen as worth something on my own merits and I am failing miserably. A flipper bought my apt building and is forcing everyone out to bring wealthier tenants. My job is toxic and low incomelast week I interviewed for a transfer /promotion with a dept I really admire and they passed me over today as too low-skilled. My faith rejected me years ago, I cannot get ahead professionally, i try but have not found my community yet, and I struggle with relationships. I had a few trusted people but they passed away, one recently. Family relationships do not exist anymore.I used to self harm and I tried a lot of positive coping strategies today and I still relapsed. The housing and the money and the job and the general ongoing lack of others investment in my potential despite my best effort just feels so bad to endure. I am really tired and do not have a good answer for how to fix things. I have one answer but its not a great one. I am not sure if this is the right forum and I am probably not at risk right this minute but I am completely ground down and dying feels sensible. Low-priority",Suicidal +21682,"It hurts. It hurts to be at the side of person you love with everything you have and you would give anything to make happy just to be met with coldness. It was a mistake to love them, and it was foolish to have told them that you loved them and would be there for them whatever was to come. To listen to them talk about getting some friends together to do something and never be invited and when invited they avoid you until it is time to pay. To put their happiness above your own well being just to be reduced to my friend when talking about it. To have explicitly told them that you Love them and want to build a relationship with them And to be so thoroughly rejected time and again and still loving them and trying to be there for them only to be rejected out of hand. I wish I was not so broken and I wish I could find a way to be worthy of them. All of this is painful and the most painful part is that I still Love them. I love them so much I would take a bullet for them and I am still not sure if that would be less painful than loving them or losing them. I just want this pain to end, at this point I am sure I am going to die alone so why wait? Why do I keep trying.",Suicidal +18186,"initial notes to myself:- prepare finances- prepare suicide letters- throwaway crap so no one else has to deal with it yep, pretty tired of existing",Suicidal +9519,I have officially cut off everyone else in my life. I have no one. And no one wants me. I am literally only on this world to take care of people and it is not fair. I want to die but I just cannot end it. I cannot focus on my work. I am so exhausted The only thing keeping me alive is my 2 cats,Suicidal +14238,"For the billionth time, it feels like, I am getting ghosted by a girl I was seeing. This one hurts a lot. This is the 2nd longest continuous hook-up I had with someone and the most 2nd most dates. She seems to have lost interest in talking to me or hanging out. I am not certain what will happen with this but it does not really matter. I do not think I live for myself. I do not enjoy most aspects of my life and if I could end my life and reboot or wipe myself from existence and my family and friends would forget about me I would. I would do it without hesitation. I do not want to keep on living. I do not think I will ever be happy and it seems like all I might settle for one day is just not being miserable. I hate my therapist. Not because she is mean or anything, but nothing she says ever makes me feel better. The skills coaching she always makes me practice does not work. It feels very dismissive. I do not get any relief from my anxiety or anything like that. I only do not kill myself because my friends would be sad or because of my parents. I am beginning to resent them for loving me and wanting me alive. I see them succeeding and moving forward with their lives and I just feel like everything I do is a chore and is so painful. All the happiness I experience is temporary. I know how I would kill myself. If I have 3 different things going to kill me with high rates of success then there is virtually no way I would survive. I just wish I could be anyone else. That I could brush off heartbreak. That I did not get attached, or that my luck was good enough that I did not have to worry about these things. But I cannot fix any of these things. I cannot change who I am and erase all this bad luck and pain. So I should just kill myself. I am not living for myself anymore",Suicidal +16076,"I have escaped home because I was beaten up by my mom and brother, I have no where to go, there are no suicide hotline in my country. No support. No family. I can either kill myself or risk whatever is going to happen to me by night. I honestly do not know what to do at this point",Suicidal +8162,"If I waited another day or two, I probably would have passed in my sleep. I wish I had done that instead. I may be healthy but I have no path forward. I got sick and came close to dying. I got the bill today. Going to the hospital was the biggest mistake of my life.",Suicidal +21899,"Not sure what to do. I will go in alone, stay alone, come home alone, never touched, nothing changes. there is a wall around me no matter where I go, so I really should die. I am ugly, mentally fucked up, absolutely useless, and no one will ever want me again. Every day, every minute, excruciating loneliness. Death is horrifying but the thoughts will not stop. No one will touch me and I have to die.Only problem is I do not want the hospital messing with my Suboxone. they are abusive, and I take a small dose because I am sensitive to it. 2 mg would kill me. They will not allow me to take my dose, and I will go into withdrawal, or they will make me take a whole strip and torture me. I do not need chemical abuse on top of my problems, and that is exactly what they will do. They will not do anything to help because they cannot. No matter where I go, no one will want me, so I have to die but I cannot. I am going insane. But I cannot take anti-psychotics because I still have damage from the last ones years ago. Antidepressants do not work. ECT does not work and I still have brain damage from that. I cannot stay alive and I cannot die. I do not know what to do. The hospital will torture me and I cannot go there but I might have to even though they will make it worse.What do I do? I think I might need to go to the hospital, but they will screw with my meds and I will have withdrawal.",Suicidal +7531,"So instead, I am going to listen to music, drink and hope it goes away. Or gets worse. If it gets worse, maybe I will be able to have the will to do something about it. I cannot seem to untangle the thoughts and feelings",Suicidal +12315,"I am at his place and totally forgot about his air rifle. For a long time, i have been telling myself i would have done it by now if i had a gun. well shit now i do, except kind of? I am pussying out like a bitch, because its air not powder and it shoots puny handmade steel balls, or well they look more like a mini slug, fact is they are tiny, i would say like 3-4mm in diameter so i think i would just embarass myself, plus the muzzle tastes like fucking tetanusfor fucks sake its literally in my mouth my dreams are one single slight pull away and now of course i just feel nothingactual fucking retard monkey brainnothing more frustrating than thisi do not have the balls for this anyway because I am not a man I am a losergoodnight Rediscovered grandpas air rifle.",Suicidal +10149,"Been through some very bad times, and wondered what others do to feel better.Number one choice , to vent to someone, well not many has that, so I decided to start a shop This is my new shop, iVentCost is a bit a patience and possibly a lot of friendshipI'm a guy, idk if it matters but ik people have their own need and comfort zone, I am open to everything, every discussion, every vent , anything you can throw at meAnd Remember, ILY and here is a hug () Need to went, or want a Hug?",Suicidal +11126,"My mother mocks me (especially in arguments) about my suicidal tendencies. I am sick of it and she is really pushing me.Recently we had an argument about my bedroom and how it is filthy, though I have been having trouble cleaning it because I have NO motivation and NO willpower. She does not understands and it is horrible. I also try to establish that it is ""My safe place"" but she barges in and either gets up at me or something. she is been supportive somewhat she is been a mother but she is just plain horrible when it comes to what I am going through. My mother mocks me",Suicidal +24848,"I do not even know why I am writing this. I just think that I cannot talk about this things without alarming o worry the people in my life. I do not want to feel like this anymore, everyday from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed I feel like absolute shitSometimes, when I am out with friends I feel a little relieved, and when I am with my boyfriend my mood is generally better, but firstly we are in a long distance relationship so we cannot see each other every day, and secondly I cannot count entirely on somebody else to be happy. I have suicidal thoughts everyday, multiple times a day, but I struggle to talk about this because even if I am almost sure that I will never act on it because I have hope that someday I will be if not okay, al least better, I cannot convince others of that. I feel like I am slowing becoming more and more difficult to be with, I am terrified of that. They always say ""a good friend/boyfriend does not leave you just because you are struggling"" but it happened to me before, how can I ignore that? I do not want to be a burden. All I want is to be happy, or at least stable, and to be a source of happiness to others. Sometimes I feel the need to ignore everyone to not drag them in the depression pit with me, because there are days when I really cannot control myself and suppress what I am feeling and i KNOW that it affects others. I feel so hopeless, what can I do to make things better? I feel exhausted",Suicidal +21521,"on the surface, i do not have any reason for suicidal thoughts, and maybe people would think I am ungrateful but really, what is all this struggle about? i mean i have friends that support me. i have a family which is financially not good but always has my back. shit, I am only 20 years old. my grades are not very good but I am in a college which is quite good among the other colleges in my country. but why am i having these difficulties for a future? i do not want to give birth, i do not want a family, I am not ambitious about my career, i do not have any kind of passion for life, i do not have anything to look forward to. so why? why should i keep feeling these burdens when i can just end it? if i knew my family would not be devastated, i would just end my life in the blink of an eye. with no hesitation what are all these struggles about?",Suicidal +15445,I am drunk enough I am 22 and my life is over I am in therapy and on meds and if that is not even enough to help me nothing is I am going to die alone and Ill never have a relationship I hope I do not wake up tomorrow I think tonight is the night I do it,Suicidal +7730,Today is finally the day Today!,Suicidal +22782,I am so sick of it. I cry every week. I do not have motivation to do anything anymore. Everything that would make me happy just feels like a chore now. I do not want to live anymore. I do not want to wake up in the morning. Its just been getting worse. I have not been happy for two years I cannot stand it anymore. I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +25116,"Life is not worth living if I am going to struggle financially and lack abit too many skills which is to do with personality. I know that is not what the world is about but it has come to that. I am just a useless piece of sh** and I bet my family think so too even though they would not say that.I should definitely go.It feels like the easier and better option, but a hard one too. I might meet this guy for some cuddles, Ill make the most of it cos Ill never be able to feel that again. it will be the end. I have to firm it, I are not got a choice and I do not want to become a burden to someone else.It is what it is. I just need a way out of this mess, I have messed up badly and I think Ill struggle",Suicidal +21170,you can c me posting lewd pics of myself on reddit. nothing matters 2me anymore. i do not plan to c 2022. & when i die everything will be nothing again. & it will be like I have never existed like I have never experienced any of this. no pain. no suffering. just nothing. when I am dead. i no longer care,Suicidal +11538,"I cannot keep going like this. I had a suicide attempt 1 year and a half ago and everyday I regret not going through with it. Now I have kidney failure and do not want to keep fighting for a life I do not even want. Me and my Ex are still on good terms. I know he does not love me anymore and has possibly moved on, but hes my best friend and I cannot let him go which hurts because I still love him the same amount as the day I realized if not more. He knows about my suicidal thoughts and my kidney failure but refuses to accept that I am on my last legs & cannot continue like this. Hes usually there to prevent me from hurting myself or attempting because I reach out to him but this time I am not going to. My question is should I tell him or text him I love him one last time? If I do this I plan to block him immediately after. Or should I just leave it be and go without a word? Should I tell him?",Suicidal +21863,If any of you feel like dming me feel free to do so. I think tonight might be the night Need someone to talk to,Suicidal +11413,"I should not feel like this. I was not assaulted as a kid, I do not have PTSD, I do not have anythingso why the fuck do I have dysphoria? Its debilitating. Every day I want to get out of bed less and less knowing people will see me as a girl. I do not even want to die. I want to live, I want to thrive and minister and love others but I want to do it as a man. My life is not worth living the way it is now. But I just fucking HATE the fact that because of my religion I cannot ever do anything. So many people have tried to convince me that the Bible does not condemn transgender people, that you can be trans and Christian. But fuck that, man. there is literally no evidence, its just people cherry picking parts of the Bible to support what they want to do. But at the same time, I wish god would come down from the sky for one second and just tell me, hey, its okay. You can do this. But he will not because that is not what he thinks. I have no choice except to keep living as a woman. And Id rather kill myself.I have a plan to cut myself enough that I bleed to death tomorrow. And if that does not work, I am going to take a nice peaceful sit on the railroad outside of my house and wait for it to end. I do not want to live like this anymore. Gender dysphoria is so fucking unfair",Suicidal +13852,I am very ugly. Severe chronic depression 11 yrs. No energy for anything. Professional helps been useless. No there is not someone for everyone. Ill be a loner/virgin forever. All jobs suck. Life is depressing. Wish I had the guts Ugly as fuck,Suicidal +37096,⚡sigh i hate this i hardly get time to myself and have fun anymore with me have to go to sleep early and waking up… https://t.co/uSJJTGfjeR,Suicidal +12208,The therapists invalidate my feelings AND do NOT understand why people in extreme pain over long periods want to die. Nothing gets solved and I get humiliated. Fuck that. I have given up on therapy. Suicide it is for me.,Suicidal +10790,"So i really do not want to deal with my life anymore. I have tried killing myself once before, and failed. I am home alone tomorrow so i just felt like it was a perfect opportunity.there is a lot of stuff going on in my life but i wint bother writing it down since no one will probably read this anyways. I just really do not want to live with this pain anymore and i got the perfect opportunity to try to end it again. Just tired of everything",Suicidal +12054,"I am just a useless piece of shit. I make my whole family stressed. Even my dogs do not like me, I am just always angry and I cannot stop it I cannot think right. I burst out randomly and I just cannot stop it. Even the littlest things will turn into something huge because of me. I am so screwed up and my family still deals with me, I do not deserve love I do not deserve kindness. they would probably be happier if I was gone, if I never existed. I bring them down with my negativity, my mom said she wanted me but I know she definitely did not want a child that stresses her out. I am so fucked up that I cannot even make friends, if I make a friend I just screw things up and we end up not being friends anymore. I only have one friend who is probably just staying with me because of pity. My step father said he would leave my mom and even his ow children if I do not change. But I do not know how to change, even if I was disciplined it would not make a difference Id just find a way to avoid it or deal with it. I am so fucked up I do not deserve anything I do not know what to do. I do not deserve anything",Suicidal +12964,"Nowadays, my friends, it is hard to find the warrior spirit anymore. People have forgotten. It is indeed too much to ask for a ""noble because"" to die for. We immerse ourselves in pleasures and delights that do not give us the long awaited glory. We have been enslaved, broken, bent. I do not want to die an old frail man into this absurd circus that the world has become. Me and a few left still have the old spirit. But to die at war nowadays is not what it once was. We die for politicians that do not care for us. For the rich. If it was for me, I would put them all to the sword. I want to die. But first, I need to achieve glory. But what is glory nowadays? What do we worship? What do we do when confronted by this question? Sex? Worthless temporary pleasure. Drinking and taking drugs? Temporary, again. What unites are an action? What is the utmost answer to these pathetic clowns that they throw at us? This day and age, I cannot die for my country as I do not believe in it nowadays, even if I do believe in our spirit. I will have to end it all in some years, before I reach full ""maturity"". I will die. I will die, indeed. I crave for death so much. But still. There are things to do, still, in this world. In order to achieve enough to be able to die. Glorious death in this day and age.",Suicidal +13693,"I have been suicidal since i was 10. lately I have been hearing that a crisis is usually short-lived, but considering how many times I have tried and either chickened out or failed, I am not too sure. it is just always been there. I am no longer looking for support. all i want is a website or something where they encourage this. i cannot get encouragement anywhere else and i cannot find anything out there, but I am sure there has to be sites, right? a site where they encourage this and the best way to do it, so I do not have to be scared.thanks for reading. again, i do not know if this type of post is even allowed. but I am running out of options. I am not sure if this type of post is allowed, but I am desperate",Suicidal +16963,"I (17M) cannot keep fighting I have been fighting for a long time I do not remember how long I have been having my problems, but I simply cannot hold on anymore.Today for the first day in 17 years my alcoholic father threatened to hit me just because I told Kim that nobody could stand being around him when he was drunk and that he should be an adult for the first time in his life and change that.I cannot describe how awful I feel after hearing him call me an idiot several times and threatening me.I have always felt that I am a disappointment to everyone, specially him.He always called me useless, idiot, lazy and many other things, and it always felt like I was the son he never wanted, but what happened today simply makes me want to run away, or end it all.I also feel like I disappoint my mother, specially when talking about school; ever since my depression started I have struggled to concentrate and work in even those subjects I like, and every time we talk about high-school I feel like a burden, a disappointment, just because I am not the ""gifted child"" they were used to.My sister is another problem, sometimes it feels like everything is alright, but others she treats me like I annoy her, like she does not care about me.Another problem I have is that I feel like I do not belong anywhere, not even with those friends I consider my brothers from other mothers; and even though I have gone through several groups of friends I never manage to feel like I belong, like they truly care or even like me.I just feel so alone, so lost, I want this pain to end, I want to stop feeling like a burden to everyone else.Every time I have the knife in my hands I cannot bring myself to end everything, I just cut my arms and swallow the pain; today it was different, not even the cuts helped me to deal with the pain, no matter how many times I did it, or how deep they were, the feeling just did not go away.I really want to push the blade through my chest, or simply slash my veins, but I am afraid, afraid of what is next, afraid of hurting my mom and my sister, afraid of leaving them alone with my stupid father. I just cannot get enough courage to do it.Sorry for bad English, it is not my native language and feeling this way does not help with writingI just needed to get that out of my chest, so.. thanks for listening kind strangers I cannot go on anymore",Suicidal +11143,"This is going to be a clusterfuck of words that will not make sense to the reader but I do not care, I just feel like nobody cares about if I die or not, everyone said they would always be there for me as if they would have even thought of saying otherwise, I feel like ending it all every day of my fucking life but I just cannot, I am too much of a coward to kill myself but want an easy way out of this hell hole that we call life, I am basically forced to go to school only to get bullied all fucking day, I go home and what a surprise my family still live like I do not fucking exist, I wish I could die but I just cannot bring myself to do it, I do not know if I really want to or if I am too much of a dumbass to think differently. I have no real friends only fake ones and I cannot get away from the real pain that is everything. Every day could be my last day, the day I finally give in and do it for real. Vent",Suicidal +18364,"i feel like a horrible person. I am on the brink of going insane i feel like. i have a fear of being a pedophile, i despise them but i keep convincing myself i am one? I am scared of this it hurts so much.it seems to get worse the worse mental state I am in, when i feel normal i feel like i do not even believe it, that its just in my head. this past week is has been rough and I have been thinking about it a lot. the first anniversary of my moms murder is sunday and I am not sure if they are correlated or not. i feel like maybe i can solve this problem if i could talk to someone. i have a therapist and this is a very small town and i do not trust them, and there is not another one i can get realistically. my therapist is a anti-masker and anti vaxxer for fucks sake.if this continues i would rather die than have to think these thoughts. i believe i have pedo OCD and its ruining my mind",Suicidal +25560,"everyday i think about suicide and it feels so good that this shit will be over , say fuck you to the relatives that did not give a fuck about me and the rest , what a load of shit life is in general? i did not ask to be born , i do not want any of this? why are people forced into this clusterfuck? so some people could feel better about their selfish ego? but what the fuck is the point? to satisfy their selfish needs? is this what the life is all about is not it , humans are narcissistic selfish beings in general, yes there are good people but they are in the minorityso fuck this world and people in it , i hope one day it will be destroyed does not matter by what , fuck this shit thinking about suicide makes me comfortable",Suicidal +20927,I know other people here are struggling and I just want to say to everybody struggling I hope you all get better. Everybody going through some thing but I am cut to the chase with my storyIm a 24 year male who is thinking about suicide everyday. I had enough of life. I missed out on all the fun people had my age. I feel so fucking horrible and feel like shit as a result. I constantly ruminate about my horrible miserable past such as-getting choked out by a nfl player my freshman year of high school. What a bully he was. He plays for the Detroit lions by the way. Not going to say his name-not going to prom -being a virgin-my evil brother saying statements such as ill give you a gun why do not you kill yourself and abusing me physically and verbally.-dropping out of high school-being betrayed by friends and school officials in high schoolI have no friends and I am fucking fighting for dear life. I feel like I am in a fucking war. Sorry for the language but I plan to go back to college and see a therapist there. I am so fucking angry and depressed. The only reason why I refuse to kill myself is because I am Muslim and I just do not want to end up in hell. Come to think of it my life is a living hell I hope you all wish me well. Help? I hate my life and I just want to die,Suicidal +14370,"I do not want to get the vaccine and basically becoming ostracised because of it, if you look at what is happening in france too. I would love to just press a button and be zapped from the universe. do not want to get the vaccine and just want to die",Suicidal +25670,"I cannot breathe, I am so alone and I am so scared. I feel like a worthless POS and my life feels hopeless, I am too much of a chicken to go through with anything to try to kill myself, but what the fuck am i supposed to do? I need a miracle or I will end up homeless or dead... I cannot do this, I really cannot, it is been two years of this shit and it is never going to be better... I am still here and I do not know why",Suicidal +24078,"Now, i do not really want to kill myself right now, but there is a big probability that i will do it soon. I am going to see a person I am really attached to for the last time today and it simply hurts. It hurts so much. So much. I cannot do it. The relationship is not going too well and i know i have to end it but i cannot. Its bad for me, so i have to end it today, but i cannot, because I am scared of the pain I am going to feel for the next days, weeks, maybe months. The only way i numb the pain is with cigarettes. I do not want to get addicted, but i will probably. I cannot bear it anymore. I want to end the pain. Cutting myself is not working anymore. I have no friends that are going to support when ill be at my lowest. Why is this happening? Why? Why am i putting so much hope in people who do not give a fuck about me? Saying goodbye to a person you love is just painful",Suicidal +23693,"I am E. My mum is J[08/07, 19:08] E: that is it[08/07, 19:08] E: I am done ranting[08/07, 19:08] E: I cannot stop crying[08/07, 19:13] J you are 23 an living in your bf...you need 2 stand on your own 2 feet an jus get on wi it an stop talkin 2 people like shit or you wil b on ur own[08/07, 19:14] J: you say all the same shit 2 martin that you say 2 (sister) an 2 me[08/07, 19:15] E: You have no idea what I am going through[08/07, 19:15] E: I am not getting angry at you[08/07, 19:16] J: God you say all the same shit E[08/07, 19:16] J: People r going to nt want to b around you[08/07, 19:16] E: But I have got chronic non stop electric current type pain. I am so depressed I have not showered in days. My hair is knotted. I am covered in cuts. I have not slept in 2 days. I am hallucinating and hearing things.[08/07, 19:17] E: I know that[08/07, 19:19] E: I spend every morning crying alone silently. Same every night. I dream about my dad being alive almost every night. I wake up, turn over expecting dad and I grieve again. that is why I refuse to sleep. And now I am so in the habit I cannot sleep. Because I cannot bare the pain in my heart when I wake up[08/07, 19:20] E: There are so many days where I just want to end my life. And it is the only time I actually feel a moment of peace because then when I am dead I will not feel like this[08/07, 19:20] E: Goodnight mum[08/07, 19:22] J: Night[08/07, 19:22] E: You are not going to say anything[08/07, 19:22] E: About what I have just said[08/07, 19:22] J: No[08/07, 19:22] J: cannot b bothered[08/07, 19:23] E: You do not care that I am suffering?[08/07, 19:23] E: You cannot be assed to even say I love you[08/07, 19:23] J: Here we go again[08/07, 19:23] J: Night elle My mum left me for dead after a drug overdose. I was unresponsive and she left me unconscious on the floor possibly dying, knowing I had overdosed. Why am I surprised",Suicidal +21511,Iv been trying to find a reason to live i cannot find one i really cannot i just i just want to kill myself i cannot live i cannot. I have scars on wrists all i have to do is re open them that is all have to do all i have to do. I JUST cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. IF I do not FEEL BETTER IN 3 WEEKS I am KILLING MYSELF LET ME DIE,Suicidal +25898,"I decided to come back and tell my mom everything that happened. I feel safe again. I hope one day things truly improve... all I know is that I have made it through tonight, something I thought Id never do... I was planning to jump off of the verrazzano bridge today and end my life, I turned around and came back, I am not finished on this Earth yet. Take that depression and Body Dysmorphic",Suicidal +7572,"Sorry, my English is pretty bad.. I just broke up with my boyfriend, bc a therapist said, i have Bpd. And I have lost everything and every goals and plans a had in my life.I have lost my job. I started learning to get my driving license, but i had to stop it. I have lost my 'friends' (mostly my bf's friends). I have lost him, and our cats, and also my goals and plans about learning to get better job, plans of marrying him, having kids, getting old together.We lived together in a house, so i had to move back to my grandparents. But they do not like I am here. They do not even care what is up with me.I really lost every of my hope to live. My 'friends' still telling me to move on, and stuff, but I just cannot live like this. I am not strong enough.Idk what should i do....Pls do not be mean with me. I want to kill myself bc I feel like I have lost everything",Suicidal +19624,now i am a burden to everyone i am just a she will of what used to be so bright and confident,Suicidal +16387,Life is a fucking nightmare. I have not gone a single day in 2020 or 2021 (so far) without seriously considering killing myself,Suicidal +26128,"Ok this one seems legit. I was thinking about poisoning using some bullshit supplement amygdalin, because it converts to cyanide. I would fucking love to get my hands on some carbon monoxide. As it stands it seems like nitrogen tank + balls of steel not to take the mask off is the best solution. Again why is it so fucking hard to do this in America? I fucked up my life beyond repair (by me) and there is literally no reason to keep going. I do not care who I used to be, that person is dead. Also the people who care about me, they are going to have to deal. And God, the biggest joke of all, why did he make me such a shitter if he wanted me to stick around? I am really counting down days here. Maybe next weekend if I can get my hands on a tank. Nitrous would be the silliest way to go but would probably be just as difficult to get a tank of as carbon monoxide. Nitrogen",Suicidal +36700,Tired of merely existing. Want to get to living.,Suicidal +27319,"I broke up with so many friends lately, people are tired of me, now with the summer vacation I am home alone most of the time, I do not meet students and I lose myself easily.No job, nothing, cannot find anything good to do.I am going to lose my mind, and I genuinely want to end this.If I could, I would freeze myself and come back years later, but I cannot exactly. So my best method to escape reality is suicide, just ending it all, once and for all. I am writing this as I am supposed to celebrate 18 today.I want to forget all my problems, and stop getting complaints about every small thing I do.I am an emotional person, to the point where if somebody calls me a baby it could literally ruin my whole day.Help.Me.Please. I am 18, still depressed, and do not have long to live.",Suicidal +16692,"I miss her alot. I do not even know why because I did not even care when she left. Do I miss her? Do I miss just someone caring about me. Do I just miss sex and am just a sexually frustrated loser. Do I miss the the emotional attachment because I am love sick man child. I do not know. Maybe all of its right maybe none of it. All I know is when i think about her, or when I think/see of others who are not alone and get to experience happiness. All I feel is cold and contempt and hatred. Even those who were close to me I only have hate for them now and their happiness. Death is my only chance at escaping this and the only thing I deserve. If you knew there was no chance to ever be loved by anyone, would not you also want to just end?",Suicidal +36709,RT @poemsandthongs: the kinda bad bitch that's ready to die anyday now,Suicidal +19055,"I just do not get it. Why is it supposed to be prevented ? Sometimes I see it as a fantastic solution. Only because it will hurt other people, its supposed to be prevented ? IDK then, why are not these people who would get hurt, let the person get to this stage ? If this sounds selfish, then telling a person that its going to be better online is a joke too. Sorry to say its a fucking joke. I think when a person's thinking about suicide, its already too late. Its already over. We let that person get to that stage of thinking that, and on top of that, we tell them fake stuff like "" oh its going to be better "", FUCKING HOW ? how do you know its going to be better. let us evaluate the pros of suicide below : Ends your pain. Lessens burden of people who are supposed to ""stick"" with you. Who gives a fuck anyway. Nobody is down for you the way you would think they are. Somehow you are supposed to tough it out. Its meaningless.Cons : Someone would cry for a couple days. Amazon would lose a customer.As a society, we should be discussing good/painless ways to commit suicide. We should be legalising death by medication. But no instead we choose to serve capitalism to save a life. Fucking why ? Why does suicide need to be prevented ?",Suicidal +20102,"Ill be dead and gone. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot fucking take the agony. I hope its sooner. Fuck my life. And fuck you John, you ruined everything. Now I am left with a mess. After August 8th",Suicidal +25844,"I have been on a steady decline for a couple months now and I am thinkin I am at my stop. I tried to get better and get help, changed my meds, added meds, but I am all out of juice. I do not have much to live for. I am living alone in my apartment with no job on my 5th year if college. I am in a major I am too late to back out of and hate very much. I have isolated myself from the world and only go outside to get weed or groceries. Otherwise I am playing video games and avoiding my online class and feeling incredibly guilty for not having a job like all my peers. Its anxiety inducing to the point of breakdown to even think about doing interviews. I know, please do not judge me. 98% of my days in the past few months I have had no social interaction whatsoever besides texting my only friend who has now given up on me. She told me i need I need more help than she can give. I get it. But she is been writing off my emotions for a while now anyways so its not surprising I guess. The isolation has killed me. I have lost a lot of ability to socially interact. I know I can be stable. In I highschool I played sports and was friends with half my class. I was able to function and even hold relationships. I am diagnosed bipolar but its ramped up gears 10 fold since freshman year of college. I liked to go birdwatching. I liked to go camping. I liked being around people. I liked playing video games with my friends. Its sad I miss that the most. I still find a little joy in playing team games to get at least a little social interaction. But I have none of that left now thanks to this disease. so what is the point? I do not think there is one anymore. If I kill myself the only ones who would know are my parents who have never supported me emotionally or took mental health seriously. I do not even have anyone to say goodbye to i think I am close to the end",Suicidal +22411,"Everyday, every minute, every second I have suicidal thoughts. I have attempted before, what is stopping me now? Why should I try and be happy if I have already given up on life? I just want to end it tonight, and it to be successful. Why should I try when I have given up already?",Suicidal +22007,Do it you got this!,Suicidal +10576,My anxiety is so bad I think about killing myself every day. I am so exhausted and I feel crazy. I need to get out or my own head and body. I am tired,Suicidal +16335,"I try very hard to have a positive impact on the people around me, and I generally do. Secretly, I struggle with thoughts of suicide regularly. I struggle to cope with the fact that not everyone wants to have a positive impact on the world. Life is not how I expected it to be. I have become gradually more cynical as I have came in and out of relationships with friends, girlfriends, and family. I feel like everyone is selfishly motivated, and will just move on and forget about me when they are done using me for X. My emotions are starting to show through and degrade my work ethic. How do you guys combat cynical feelings and learned helplessness? I feel like it is not worth faking it anymore. Cynical Rut",Suicidal +15804,I was up all night wanting to kill myself and leave everything behind. I am not a very emotional person so I do not talk about this stuff with people. Even when I really need to I can never get myself to cry. I cry like once every six months and when I am down I just feel like my eyes are tired and dry and they hurt like hell. I feel like a husk of a human being and then I think about how I have not felt happy in what3 years? I spiraled deeper and deeper until I felt like I could not breathe. All I can think about all the time is how much I want to die. And then I remember the people around me and how much they love me and that makes me even sadder. I just want them to forget me and let me die. Sadness and anger do not go well together and I am a byproduct of that broken marriage. I do not even want to turn back time I just want to disappear and everyone can forget they ever met me. At night I lay in my bed thinking about how much I hate myself and how much I hate everything else even more. The state of the world is going one way and its obviously not up. Life is like waiting in line for a roller coaster for five hours and when you finally to the front they fucking announce the ride is out of service.Sleeping is even harder because I just have a harder time sleeping with each passing night so I just decide oh I do not need sleep ll just sleep whenever my body gives out but then I remember that sleep is the only way for me to forget that I exist and that its an easy way to avoid my emotions. I try to nap during the day but end up crawling to my desk and just sitting there and then crawling back to my bed. I am going to cut this short because its too long. I am pretty emotionally constipated so naturally one night it hit me like a truck.,Suicidal +10879,"This is my story.My first memory is from 4 years old, when I woke up in an apartment, my mom had went outside and I panicked. I went outside the building in nightgown crying helplessly.Other memory is about finding out what death means when I was 6 years old. I realized that a grandfather I never met was gone forever and that all people face that one day. I rolled myself in a mat having a panic attack and I was laughed at.Then school started. I was taken sexually advantaged by my school mates.I tried to kill myself at 12.I was raped at 12 and again at 13.I was taken sexually and emotionally advantaged by an adult from 14-17 years of age.Now I am 29. My 10 year lasting relationship is at it is end due to my emotional problems. I would be graduating and starting a dream job in fall. But I just cannot anymore. I have zero people to talk to, no friends. Therapy can start in the end of september the earliest due to lack of resources. I cannot afford paying therapy and get there faster.I think I would be better to just stop being a burden to everyone around me. My mom told me I was not wanted. Everyone is better without me and I cannot offer what my partner deserves. I do not want to be me",Suicidal +37166,i ve got exactly 23 days of life left and ive never felt so calm or at peace id rather not wait till then but its the first day i will be completely alone and have the time i need this,Suicidal +24760,"i do not even know what to do at this point, i cannot sleep anymore because even my dreams are telling me to kill myself. these past few weeks have been the worst most exhausting weeks I have ever had and i do not even know why. if i could, i would sleep all day every dayim so sick of this, I am never going to get better, ill just be depressed for the rest of my life. if the rest of my life is going to be like this then what is the point of even getting up in the morning I am so tired",Suicidal +9909,They were given back in cruel manner. I say I am falling in love with them. I then recieve messages from randoms they have messaged without any indication of relationship. Willingness to get strangers while they one they are with is breaking. How can one find a grasp to this life when all is pointing to how insignificance there is. Gave the last of my hopes away,Suicidal +17276,"I just hope that you know, whatever troubles you today or maybe longer, you will eventually get out of it. There are people who love you. Stay strong I LOVE YOU",Suicidal +12746,"Can I just take whatever combination of medicines (huge amount) ? Is it painful? I cannot find anything about this topic and I cannot risk to fail, I am just bumping into hotline numbers and articles about getting help. I do not have the courage to end it in another way. Unless you got magical powers, please stick to the topic. Utterances, encouragements and ways to cope will not solve nor alleviate the problems that are killing me. Ending everything with pills",Suicidal +14864,"I have attempted suicide 3x, 2x in the last 5yrs. I finally went back to school and finished my college degree. I am in a field that I love.But I feel out of place. I come from a poor background with a lot of family demons. I am a child sex/physical abuse survivor. I listen to people's problems every day and lack empathy for them. I find it hard to stand up for myself in my profession because I feel like I will be judged for where I come from. Everything has been an uphill climb my whole life. I finished my first year teaching (during the pandemic) and everyone was helpful and encouraging. I do not know if I will be able to put in as much work this year, especially with all the responsibilities that seem to be piling up. I am getting married in October. I love my fiance and would never want to hurt her. But I feel I am going to hurt her more if we get married and I quit life early. We want a family, but with the long history of abuse in my family, I am scared.I am just so tired. I long for the endless sleep and whatever comes after. I am tired and no one understands what that means...",Suicidal +16168,"hope i die , goodbye world just took 63 sleeping pills",Suicidal +8067,"I could never leave, and not be certain my kids will be okay, but I do not want to do this anymore. I should not wake up every single morning more and more upset that I did wake up. I cannot remember the last time I felt happy... or even okay. I make it through the days for my kids, but I feel like I could be a much better mom if I did not want to die. Maybe I would have more motivation to play, or actually cook dinner more than once every few weeks. But everything is too much. I feel so alone and have very little help.. feeling like a shitty mom doe help. I need a break... but even if the opportunity came up, I would feel guilty for leaving my kids, especially a newborn. How do I know the difference between postpartum depression and regular depression? Is this going to get better in a few months? I am not okay and I have no one.. Postpartum?",Suicidal +15913,I wish I was dead in a moment. Like offswitch. All my life I have been in pain. I absorb everyone is pain. I do not have any friends. I drive everyone away. I wish I was dead. I am in so much pain right now. I tried to contact my therapist by she is not responding. I do not know what to do. I literally am imagining all the ways to die in my head. I do not know what to do.. I want to die.. But I do not want to kill myself and because pain to the people who love me. I also do not want to be in pain.,Suicidal +24224,I am going to try to kill myself again tonight. I miss my ex wife so klmuch. Life has been nothing but pain for two years I am so desperate to kill myself and have been for two years. Every day is worde and it has to end today,Suicidal +22397,I am done I cannot even distract my self anymore games do not work music makes it worse cannot sleep have to get up in 3 hours use to worry about my family I do not care anymore I am a mistake failed my classes time to fail more oh boy. I am ashamed of myself for anything I do everything is a chore eating sucks I have lost interest in porn too self conscious to date too scared to tell my counselor my problems still have a old suicide note. I have no phyiscal urge to shoot myself nor cut but feel all the pain I would normally I just want to stop existing shut down sleep till I die best part none of this means anything I JUST WANT TO STOP btw I am probably going to be grounded so do not expect me to respond only thing stopping me is my pills,Suicidal +17051,"I am 18 yrs old and since 2018 suicide never really left my head To begin with when I went to high-school I lost a lot of friends due to the fact that I went to school far from the city I grew up.i ended up with no friends.in high-school my mother was the headmistress of the school so I never really knew if my classmates really wanted me as a friend or they wanted just because of the position of my mother.So I was 5/7 days of the weekend in that village my school was and the rest of the days I was with my father(my parents are divorced) I genuinely preferred him than my mother.I also had some bullies in the school .I never talked about them on the first year.So I got used to it and I did nothing.At least I had 2 new genuine friends.I really enjoyed spending time with them but to tell you the truth I never really liked that village as a place.Anyway at the end of the year I met an old friend and we started hanging out.That summer my friend from the school came to the city I live and we decided to hung all together.The same day when we were out i reconnected with 4 old friends.And we all connected(except the guy from my school)So 2 became 5 etc.At this point i was really happy and positive.2nd year of high-school began I had 2 friends in school and 5 friends in town.P.s my mother after the divorce had an affair but the 2nd year this guy went to live in France he was actually a good guy to me and to my mother he was more of a friend to me than a step-father and I did not really bother but when he left,my mother started an affair with his brother ffs. He was kind of okay but sometimes when my mum got angry with me(as always,there are many stuff that my mother did to me and my brother not all bad but that is for another story)he would play the father role to me and I hated it. I wanted to leave my mum to live her life without me, I do not know if I was a good son or a bad son. I tried to leave her alone(I eventually did this year and its painful for a mother) and I was thinking how she would take it.Thankfully covid-19 appeared(sorry for saying this)and I did not have to live in that place.I even held on better on my subjects.As you see i have not mentioned at all my love life in the story that is because I did not really have one as I avoided to make a relationship in that place cuz I hated it and I wanted to be far far away from it, its not that I could not make a relationship, as I rejected two girls not only because of the place but also due to my high standards(mostly the place though) On summer of the 2nd year one of my friends introduced me to a female friend of his.At first I did not really noticed her but when we met for a second time due to my lack of social skills she would make the talk andshe talked to me she was staring at me smiling and then I thought that she was just perfect. The next days I would always find ways just to meet. I felt like she was flirting with me as we were in a library and she placed sth with flowers on my head and she smiled then she placed it on her and I told her that she looks nice with it and she smiled again. She would ""randomly"" touch me i never found the courage to touch her in return.Anyway that was a nice moment for me but it ended up on rejection it was my 1st rejection as I never made the 1st move I have made only 3 relationships 1 rejection and I have rejected 5 girls(sometimes I would reject some girls because I was afraid)In 3rd year nothing happend due to covid-19 i did not have to go to that place and I even had more time to hang out with friends. At the end of that season(now) i had exams as well. I was not the best student even though my mother made it seem like I was . I never accepted it I did not want this to happen I did not want to give more reasons for my classmates to hate me. I did not even attend to my graduation ceremony because of this.So we come here to this day where I have my marks from my exams (these exams in my country are the key to a successful life) i have some options with the marks i got and I can get into a nice university.Problem is that in my love life I do not know what to do I.I do not know if I am ugly or sth but this year I find it really difficult to find love or even make new friends I feel awkward in the crowd I also I am scared of eye contact I do not know why I just cannot keep eye contact with someone over 5 seconds when I am in a crowded place I do not know where to look.I feel like I am such a weird kid.Even when something good is happening to me sth bad is getting it down. And that is when I felt like I do not want feel anything anymore shyness,awkwardness,abandoned.I have always planned to die without much pain i found a building that is very tall its the tallest building in my town but its a university and I do not want anyone to watch me dead and leave a traumatizing experience for him I also do not want my parents to feel like they failed. I just want for everyone to live their lives without bothering I ever existed I do not know if I ever do it but I am feeling really close I would give everything for a painless death",Suicidal +11940,"(This is going to be kind of long..I am sorry..) Oh boy here we go, so its super late, 4 am, this is not the first night I have posted here, its kind of embarrassing for me to post my emotions online but, I am kind of anonymous here so i guess its fine, I am not sure what is wrong with me anymore, its like everything goes fine and dandy and then...bam just anger and sadness and just so much bs. I do not want to be alone yet that is all i really ever am, i can act fine for my family and even for my friends and lover, but at the end if the day, i lay in my bed wishing and hoping that i do not wake up the next day. I do not want to say I am suicidal but i am, and that is just something i have to face. But i do not want to? Idk its all so confusing and i can never ever talk to anyone about this not even my close friends. So many rely on me to be a place of support and help and yet, They only ever talk to me when they are depressed or suicidal and like ugh! I have to save everyone! While I am not getting saved, i soak everthing up like a spondge and i want it to all stop! I keep thinking ""oh everythings great!"" Well its not, no one talks to me anymore only my lover, who is wonderful and amazing but just i cannot talk to him about this! Not because anything he does its just humiliating...talking to strangers feels better I do not know why. But i did something awful...i think i know why no one wants to speak with me anymore, I stopped trying to give good advice i just listen ""mhm"" ""well what do you think you should do?"" Hoping they would be able to solve their own issues without needing me! But i realized that just made it seem like i did not care...i do! I just want my friends to grow and learn that they do not need me to make their own choices...but I am too stupid to make it seem that way. But enough of that...i feel so alone. my thoughts are cluttering together and its all too much. I just want to sleep and stay asleep until my life ends. I do not want to be here. But I have no choice because ""i have to live"" i wish so desperately to die of natural causes and freak accidents, i do not even care how it happens just make it seem like i tried to live so my family does not get too hurt by it. I have attempted suicide befote when i was little, I am still a kid, but more mature? That sounds so egotistical ""hah wow look at me I am sooo mature now!"" I am really not. I remember the way things use to feel, it was always a brick wall on my chest, and my head felt hallow and empty, same with my body. Now its just confusing and it hurts, its like a roller coaster of stupid emotions. My mother is not around to listen to this, my father and i have a relationship were we do not talk about serious stuff, I am too proud to talk about this to anyone i know and its just like I am trapped in a never ending cycle of sadness. I want my happiness to come back but i cannot even remember what it felt like, was it ever really there? It had to be right? I sound like i did years ago, edgy and sad and ew it was just gross. I was gross. I am not sure what I am going to so now but i guess I will try and sleep, i have work tmr. Goodnight thanks for listening to my boring ramble Just ranting on the internet do not mind me",Suicidal +21455,"I lost count of how many times i heard these things, ""Hold on a little longer, things will get better"" when will it be better ? I cannot handle more time like this, I am so exhausted from trying to fight back and trying to overcome all my problems. I do not want to live another day with all this. I am tired of holding on",Suicidal +15184,I am so sorry There is no hope for me,Suicidal +17201,Really hope they are honest about what a disgrace I was when they talk about me. Made my note home alone time to go.,Suicidal +36695,i am so miserable i've never been this miserable in my life he is simply baby https://t.co/6pHayB9OhA,Suicidal +22758,In few hours Tonight,Suicidal +14596,therapy had not worked well for me in the past and even though I have been considering trying yet again I know the last thing I want to do is to go on any medications again considering all of their side effects. I need help so badly and I do not know where to turn. life is not worth the grief anymore seeking help,Suicidal +21600,"my friend says i have so much potential but honestly i think I am too mentally ill to function and accomplish anything significant or worth living for. all i can think about is killing myself in front of my ex to hurt him and maybe make him feel a fraction of the pain i felt in our relationship and after the breakup lol. i wonder if he would even feel sad if i died.i was suicidal due to many other things unrelated to him but he ruined my no contact progress by coming back into my life and leaving again. we broke up five months ago and he just reopens the wound whenever he leaves. hes done this so many times. abandonment hurts me a lot so I am very devastated and i want to kill myself. why cannot i just get over this guy and do something with my life?all the memories, good and bad, are so painful, it hurts so much. i want a lobotomy or something i really wish i could forget him forever. i hate him so much and i want him out of my life forever yet i cannot stop letting him back inim a bunch of wasted potential because I am lazy, easily distracted, have a horrible work ethic and my mind is absolutely scrambled. i cannot hold a job or finish college. its sad to see myself go out this way, id love to die right now I am going to throw away my potential",Suicidal +25940,"Its just this strong urge I always get when I am this messed up in the head. I wish there was something I could do that would satisfy it. I feel like such a piece of shit, even posting here I feel so pathetic. I just want to hit my head against the wall",Suicidal +8169,"My sibling is trans (17, pre-op, ftm, he/them). Our parents are good parents, some bumps here and there. they are opposed to my sibling transition. I support my sibling, but I am not very good with words and kind of a coward. I have a hard time standing up to our dad about it. Our dad is a good man, but he is a butt sometimes. he is so supportive with both of us wanting to pursue artistic careers, teaching us how to be more independent, and will never abandon his us. he is firm about keeping us all together (since he is distanced himself from certain distant family). he is talked us both down from trying to kill ourselves more than once. But he seems so apathetic when it comes to this. I feel guilty for not being able to properly comfort them when they get depressed about it. My sibling and I are both LGBTQ+, are bipolar, have depression, and have anxiety, so I kind of understand how it feels when Dad acts like that. Our Dad has a bisexual sister and loves her (even though she always gets into trouble), so I know he does not hate us for being LGBTQ+. he is not exactly traditional either (he wants his daughters to be independent), so why cannot he be more supportive? I think it is the ""transition"" part he does not like. Maybe he is scared that my sibling will hate that body as well, if not worse. I understand the sentiment, but my sibling is dead set on developing a masculine body. I want to pay for it myself, but cannot. (I am 19, not a guardian, and broke). What can I do to comfort my sibling? Any good advice or thoughts? How do I comfort my trans sibling?",Suicidal +24702,"9 months ago, I very suddenly got depressive symptoms. Id been struggling with anxiety before that and was in therapy for that reason. Depression hit me like a brick in the face and I started to share thoughts of suicide to my friends and therapist. I was involuntarily hospitalized after I cut myself in public. From there it stayed bad.While I could avoid the psych ward within the last 9 months except for that one time, I have scars all over my body, especially my leg, from cutting myself. They are itchy, horrible and so fucking ugly.I do not think I have spent a week without an episode in the last 9 months, no week without thoughts about killing myself. I have friends, a therapist, Ill be put on medication. there is a boy and if I can trust him, he likes me just as much as I like him and we may have a future. Things are objectively getting better compared to when all of this started, I was lonely and being emotionally abused by a friend. But I have lost trust in all of this. In my head, I cannot get better. I cannot believe I am loved even though I kind of know I am, logically.I constantly still think of killing myself and today is one of those days. The thoughts do not stop even though life is getting better",Suicidal +23961,"Posted in r/depression figured since I have had thoughts but never have gone through it maybe someone has a similar page form my book. Sorry for the long all over the place writing - not used to writing or trying to figure myself out. Found this group by google how I have been feeling for the longest time. Everyday I try to just sleep and stay in bed for as long as I can (way past 2pm) if I get up its for some mundane task or to take a shower. I have barely gone to work in the last few months using every excuse from Covid to just not feeling well/ lying about doing something else. I have all of the sudden just now look forward until around 6pm to justify drinking just to go to sleep and repeat it all over. Over the last few years I have exiled pretty much all of my friends by either just not contacting or making some lame excuse not to see anyone and some of the closest just blowing up on them for absolutely no just reason.. and if I do meet up with someone I feel like I am just glued to my phone and bored with that person - that urge that I do not want to be there or talk its tiring feeling. Its almost like I do not care anymore. I am still fairly young in my late 20s. I have seen a therapist but she is a bit older and I do not know I do not feel like being put on any pills etc - they were useless and just made me even more tired. How do you all force yourself out of bed and to do life? If that made sense? Do I create a schedule?Love to talk to someone that can relate. Sorry for the sporadic typing - this is my first time really writing and trying to understand myself. Which I do not think is possible.Edit: to add more its wild to me my mother lives in another country and was here in the US the last 3-5 months for cancer treatment. I did not really visit her or go out with her one time, she called me today to say she was going back to Europe and that she loved me. I grew in a good family with 2 very loving parents and a sister. We had no financial issues growing up almost like your prototypical American dream of a family. Edit 2: the only person I really talk to is my father, I probably call him 5-10 times a day - asking questions I can easily google and just creating mindless chatter. He understands I have issues? I dunno actually what his opinion of me is - tho he has always made a mention that I was too smart for my own good. If he were to pass I really would not know what to do. Edit 3: reflecting back I have also kind of seen my dad as a person that kept to himself with exception to marrying my mother for 29 years. But he was not at alcoholic - he actually never drank but I also do not remember him having that many friends. Could my condition be hereditary ? How to continue and be a person",Suicidal +16506,"it is absolutely ruined my mental state and my entire year of 2021 so far. I got scared after the crash and did not stick to the whole ""hold"" mentality, realized I should have sold when they removed the ability to buy but I am a fucking idiot. Then I watched it go back up afterwards and ever since I have been trying to replicate it because it was the most money I had ever seen. I work an overnight job and every morning I agonize over the pre-market of other stocks I have purchased and for the most part, only see red (I have now lost $11k). it is killing me mentally and physically. There is so much shame and regret that I cannot take it. It absolutely would have changed my life. I would have been able to afford to move out, finish my nursing degree, and actually feel like an independent adult for once. Instead, I am stuck working a job a hate living in my childhood home with no friends or girlfriend. I have not been able to focus on or enjoy anything ever since. it is all about how much money I do not have that I could have if I was not so stupid. Everyday I think about dying because it feels like it was my last shot. I always fuck everything up. It all does not seem real. I still cannot handle giving up the opportunity to make $50k off GameStop back in January.",Suicidal +7930,"This is kind of just ganna be a thought dump I guess, but its something I need to put somewhere so it is not festering in my head.I do not really understand myself anymore. I have not in a really long time, I do not even remember a time where I could accurately describe how I am feeling. There are times when I am with friends or by myself and I do not necessarily feel happy but distracted and I like that. I have heard people say, ""I keep myself busy, I do not give myself the time to be sad"" but its just more complicated than that. It is not just sadness; its anger, self-hate, and a strange emptiness I cannot describe. Even when I am out with people, speaking with them, even when I am distracting myself with some type of work, there is just this sense of hollowness.I used to be the type of person that thought things would always work out. One way or another, they had to right? They do, until they just do not anymore. Nothing works the same, and realistically I know that is because of me. There are moments, just the briefest instants of motivation I have to force things to work out. To really put shit in place and buck the fuck up, ya know? And then it just disappears and I am just at such a loss. I do not remember when I first thought it, but sometimes things just do not work out. I realized something was not right a few years ago. I have thought about death since middle school, really considered it hard but I would snap out of those funks pretty easily back then. Up until I was 20, I figured I did not think about suicide anymore than the next guy or girl. Besides what did I have to complain about? There are people that are much worse off. I was working at a bingo place at the time and was just so mentally down. I had this little post-it note that I wrote a ton of things on, they were basically ways that I would off myself if I ever had the chance to. It was meant to be kind of like an angry letter, you write it and then throw it away. Some closure or dumb shit like that. Well my manager found it and we had a pretty awkward talk. She was kind of a hard ass, the type to just bug the hell out of you over really small thing, but there were times where she was really nice. That was one of those times. Anyway, I told her that there was nothing to worry about I was just 'in a mood'. She did not tell anyone, thank fucking god, but its where I learned that thinking like that was not actually normal. I do not work there anymore, I quit not long after that. It was just too strange for me. I felt like there was always this strange look in her eye after that. I wonder if she would show up to my funeral. there is honestly a lot more I would like to share, but I do not want to make this any longer or stupid than it already is so I will wrap it up. I want to see a doctor, I need to see a doctor but they are so fucking expensive. I want medication, BUT I cannot GET IT. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I do not want to look up how I can die painlessly anymore. I do not want to debate how much longer I want to give myself anymore. I wish I lived in Sweden or somewhere that had euthanasia, that is not as scary as a gun and a rope. I want to fix my brain.I am sorry. I know stuff like this does not really help those that feel the same, but I needed to put it somewhere. I needed to exist beyond my house. I am not posting this for sympathy or pity, just for me and me alone. The same way people carve their names in trees. Although, this is much longer than a name. my brain",Suicidal +13073,"I am 48 with a 5 year old daughter. I have a good job and a house, but I have a wife who no longer has any interest in me. She went through post partum depression after our daughter was born and I did not know how to handle it. She was critical, mean, and so defensive about talking about it. I tried to give her space which eventually led to cheating me. We are trying to work it out with therapy, but she does not seem to be sorry for anything and blames me and her history of abuse (not from me).I feel we are headed for divorce. She has said before she will take me for everythingshe can, despite the fact that I primarily care for our daughter, do all the cooking and cleaning, and pay all the bills (what she makes is her money). She contributes very little to the household except for making sure the TV gets watched all day. I have sacrificed 5 years in a loveless marriage, and I am tired. I have no friends anymore because I cannot commit to anything trying to keep the household together.If she takes my daughter, I have nothing left. I just do not want to go on after that and try to rebuild my life. I know it is selfish, but I feel hopeless. I have no desire being an every other weekend dad. I just want someway to die so that I can leave everything to my daughter. I have tried to figure out how to stage it as an accident so my daughter can get my life insurance, but it seems impossible. do not Want To Start Over",Suicidal +8297,"I feel like I will always, endlessly be misunderstood because I do not understand myself. I will always get myself used. I will always be nothing and want things I cannot have. I cannot have the pain of all of this anymore. I am buckling under. I am so fucking sad and there is nothing I can do. My head is just dark and I might as well just die I do not know if I can take the pain",Suicidal +23856,"I am stuck with no optionsi live with my mom and my brother and I am the only one with a job rnive been depressed for as long as i can rememberand my brother lost his job to covid a year ago and he has not gotten a new job since thentbh he probably might just not be lookingeveryone i live with is probably depressed, my mom tells me she is going to die soon and she can feel iti got sick a week ago and i have not been coming into work, and i do not have any pto anymore so I am not even getting paid for that i guessthe house is a fucking mess, sink is filled to the brim with dirty dishes accumulated through the weeki have not been eating much either because eating makes me feel badat this point i just do not want to care about anything anymore my life is over",Suicidal +24421,"First time posting here, but joined for some time now. I have suicidal thoughts everyday, they do not stop. I feel like I have no purpose in my life anymore, I have no goals or dreams. At the same time I should not have these thoughts because I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend I love and want to marry but I feel like there is always something missing. I stress about a lot of things, like I doubt I will get a job anytime soon so I will never be able to buy a nice house with a beautiful garden that I dream of having. And my boyfriend and I will probably have to break up because he really want kids and I do not, so there is no compromising there. But I feel like he is my perfect match and I will never love anyone else again. Everyone always just tells me to get a new hobby or something to be happy, but that is the thing, I do not like anything anymore. Everything that used to bring me joy I find boring now and that sucks :( I just wish things will get better. A rant",Suicidal +17124,"I cannot take it anymore, I am 4 credits behind and cannot catch up. Graphic design is the only class I enjoy and If I cannot be in that class this upcoming school year I am going to OD. I have tried summer school but because of my parents divorce I do not have a laptop and I will be dropped from the class in 2 days. I cannot do it, I am not mentally made for this, I never was and I will never will be. My brain was not made for be able to understand numbers the way the rest of my peers are. I cannot do it. Everything is pushes against me I cannot do it. If I do not continue with my class, I am ending it here.",Suicidal +21365,I just feel like hanging myself. Some psychopath has my goddamn music. My record label/manager took advantage of me and got the rights to my music without me even knowing. we have had a falling out and they refuse to take it off streaming platforms. All I ever cared about was my music and now its not even mine,Suicidal +12479,"Hi all! I could really use some advise. Thank you in advance to those who comment. :) Long-story-short, I feel trapped in unfulfilling office jobs that do not align with who I am as a person. Every day I go through some sort of existential crisis, and lately I have really been wondering what the purpose of life is. On top of this, USA's economic and societal climate really makes me depressed. Jobs I would *actually* be happy with would not pay a livable wage. Cost of living is too damn high, and greed is so rampant amongst corporations/rich people. Anyway, I have been working in my ""professional"" career for about 7 years now, but I still feel like a scared little girl when it comes to taking on responsibilities and talking to other people. All the information that comes my way at work does not stick. I do not have interest in retaining it, and it is really starting to bite me in the butt. My career motivation is tanked, and I feel very guilty about it - I know this is not who I really I am... Seriously, I can be a very driven and happy person! But especially lately I really just want to shut myself away. I want to quit, but bills need to be paid!So my question is: **how do I get out of this rutt and find fulfillment?** I have tried therapy, anti-depressants, career coaches, exercising, and eating well. I have also changed jobs a couple times, gone back to school for Master's, etc. But over time I sink back to these bad feelings. **How can I gain confidence in my job and skills? What will make me WANT to wake up everyday?** I miss the feeling of ""the world is my oyster"". The world is shit. Advise on Fulfillment?",Suicidal +36661,Adam Sandler before he became shit predicted my future mental state...,Suicidal +26688,"i know its 32 minutes past my original time span, but i think I am going to *attempt* to commit. i hope something good comes out of this, I am sorry if i do not make it. i just cannot bear it anymore. I am going to try.",Suicidal +12388,"I am 20(f) getting a divorce, I got married 9 months agoI'm kind of homeless now my family would not take me back I got no friends or anyone to turn to I cannot get accepted in any job bc I only have high school degree n I cannot even afford college I am two years lateI have schizophrenia, bpd and a many physical illnesses I can barely even walk and I am not taking any meds bc I do not have any money I am only alive bc Idk how to kill myself A lot of tries fucked my body up more and I cannot afford losing more I need help and I have no idea what to do I admit I need help for the first time",Suicidal +14393,"I do not condone, so please do not do that, but cutting myself and my soon-to-be suicide had made me feel in control again. I was deeply hurt, angry and upset over a thing I did not want to see and hurtful words from a dear person (I knew I was wrong, but seeing how harsh they words were, I realized that I should get rid of myself).So I hurt myself and it felt so fucking good. I could only focus on the physical pain instead of my emotional pain and hurt feelings, the blood coming out of It. Then it came the shame and regret, but still they were better than my original feelings. I can see why people get addicted to it. Anyway, my self harm will not fix the disgrace I am, so all it turns back to killing myself. And I will not give up now.I pretty much want to say sorry to all I hurt, but I doubt people who I hurt will read that. And I am really thankful for the good moments the people I love gave me, but they are just a little ray of sunshine in what could be considered a tempest. I pretty much stopped caring about anything, so I now I have to destroy the fucking failure I am. The only thing that keeps me on is the deep regret of not ending things earlier, especially after losing everything. Goodbye.I just wish I was not an unloveable, worthless freak that hurts people and no ones cares for. For the first time in a long period, I have felt in control again",Suicidal +24794,I just got my fire arms license and I am ending my life with a 12 gauge shotgun. I give up,Suicidal +20222,"I have been going to therapy, medications, all the self help stuff I could think of. College is looking to be too expensive so now I have to say goodbye to my partner of one year and my dream college all in one, I do not get more than 6 hours of sleep due to anxiety. I hate waking up everyday, I started self harm again an at this point, there is nothing I can do to stop my life becoming shit, I cannot wait any longer I have waited long enough for this shit show to get better. I cannot do this anymore. I have tried and sometimes, you just fail. This is it",Suicidal +20939,no notes. I will not leave a note or last words. Everything I need to say I have already told the people that I cared about. So the note would just be a burden on the first person that read it. Like I chose them to tell everyone. it is about just leaving and not troubling anyone else with my presence anymore. If/when,Suicidal +23910,"I have a bachelors and a certificate and cannot get a job anywhere. I have applied to over 120 places, was denied from 5. cannot even get a job at a grocery store. If I do not get a job by the end of the year, I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +13499,"Any of you run into people who do not believe your trauma history, or do not believe you are suicidal? Keep running into people who think I am just trolling. Disbelief of victims",Suicidal +17283,"Recently, i saw somewhere reddit that there was a chat option instead of calling the suicide hotline. Is this true? How do i access this? And if anyone is willing to share, what do they say/talk about when you call/message them? P.S. Sorry for my English. I have a question about the hotline",Suicidal +22717,got to love the US it would be cheaper for my family to bury me than to have me treated,Suicidal +15486,Makes me want to blow my brains or slit my wrists until everything turns black. A lot of bullshit happened recently.,Suicidal +22006,I told him to stop taking advantage of me so now hes constantly harassing me and sending comments on my YouTube channel. Its embarrassing because hes 15 and I am 19. I am supposed to have grown a spine by now. Someone is sending me awful comments on my YouTube channel ; (,Suicidal +25971,"Yo! So, as the post says, got the coppers called on me while texting the crisis textline. Soooo the suicide hotline CAN track your location and apartment number. 6 fucking police officers knocked on my fucking door and I had to boldface lie to them, giving my preferred name and a dead number. Now to be fair, I am extremely exhausted of living and did some...questionable things, but I did not FUCKING MENTION THAT? Regardless, they came, I pretended to have no idea what was going on, but they took my \*fake\* name, real last name, DOB and dead number. Will they come back? I hope the fuck not. I am. So tired of trying. I am not trying the hotline anymore. I am just petrified they are going to come back. Got a nice lil team of coppers called on me a few nights ago when feeling low",Suicidal +9205,"I was wanting to meet someone as I am always lonely. Anyways I am 17 and I live in AZ. I mostly enjoy games, youtube, circuitry and politics as republican/conservative. I prefer 14-18 with whatever other interests you have. Not to guilt trip but this always fails and everyone is going to leave or hurt in some way, but whatever if you want to talk we can. I do not ghost but if that is your thing then I am not going to bother. I prefer people who actually need someone, not some whiny bitch with 10 plus friends. I figured this would be a good place to post for that Willing to talk with people 14-18. I am lonely and have nobody, so we can talk if you want.",Suicidal +22181,Number one and two: Are my kids. They could not function if I was gone. I am not going to abandon them like my dad did to me. I am not going to make them start from scratch with no support system. Number three: All the people who would have seemed to care if I was gone do not. When I lost my job after 16 years only three people I worked with even bothered to check in on me. This was after I had trained most of the managers there. Number four: Maybe it gets better. I met my person two years ago. The love of my life I think but we are both so damaged. I cannot be with her maybe ever even though I want to. So I hope it gets better later. I only have four reasons left I do not end it,Suicidal +13123,"i was severely depressed from 2017-2020. almost killed myself but i got help, went to therapy, took pills, tried to work myself up and it was going so good. by new year 2020 i felt like my life was on the up, i was in good shape and things were looking up for me. a year and a half later, I am so far gone from the progress i made. its all gone. I have pretty much lost my will to live at this point. everything feels pointless, i feel empty and numb. not really sure what the point of this post even is, but i just feel like i have no one to talk to and i need to empty these thoughts somewhere somehow before they eat me alive. help",Suicidal +18843,"I have wasted my whole life doing nothing but playing mobile games all day and sitting on the couch all day. I am already 19 years old and I still do not even have a job yet which is truly sad and pathetic. My own parents are actually trying to threaten me that if I do not get a job, they will kick me out of the house right after I graduate high school. I have 1 year left to graduate. I honestly do not care what my parents will do anymore, I just want them to kick me out so I can end my own life. I never really cared about myself nor wanted to live. I do not have the guts to kill myself now so I am just waiting patiently for my parents to help me end my pain. I am planning to just end my own life right after I graduate. Chronic procrastination has affected my life in so many ways. Its affected my physical health, my hygiene, my relationship with my family, my school grades, and my mental health. I have struggled with chronic procrastination ever since I was in Elementary School. I did not really know what is wrong with me in the past but based on my own research, I am now 100% sure that I am struggling with chronic procrastination. ADHD is the reason why I struggle with chronic procrastination. Chronic procrastination has pretty much took away my happiness and gave me nothing but self hatred. I hate myself and I hate the way I am today. I truly want to change all of my bad habits, but its just too difficult. I cannot even do something as simple as brushing my teeth everyday which again, just shows how pathetic I am and how much of a mistake I am. I have tried to change my bad habits in the past but like a drug addict, I eventually relapsed back to my old bad habits. Trying to change my bad habits feels like asking a person with smoking addiction to stop smoking completely which is why its very difficult for me to change. The fact that I cannot change my bad habits no matter how hard I try, makes me feel like maybe I should just end my own life so I will not end up disappointing my family. Maybe I am just born to fail on life and never succeed. I no longer see confidence in myself and I do not see any point of trying anymore. So nowadays, I just let chronic procrastination destroy my life. My everyday life is pretty much playing mobile games all day and sitting on the couch. I honestly cannot stand doing the same thing everyday, but I know that even if I tried changing, I am just going to fail anyway. My weight is increasing every month due to lack of exercise but I really do not care because I am just hoping a heart attack will kill me. My dental health is not looking good either but again, I really do not care. All I am doing today, is just waiting for my death and thinking about what I should do now before I end it all next year. I wish I could just sleep forever so I can escape this reality but I know that is not possible. This year has been difficult for me, sometimes I cry in the night because of the amount of pain I am going through. I am tired of pretending that I am ok in front of my parents. They really have no idea how much pain I am going through nor how long I have suffered with this pain. The more we argue and the more they yell at me, the worse I feel about myself. The more I think about my past memories, the more I hate myself. Playing mobile games all day is more of a coping mechanism to me because it helps me escape reality and it helps me distract my brain from the pain. Everyday I act as if nothing is wrong with me but I am just hiding it really well. I am hiding my emotions through distractions. I deserve everything that is happening to me and I do hope I get COVID a 2nd time and hopefully end me this time. I am just done with my life. 1 year left to live",Suicidal +15991,"I am boring, low energy, always sad, and probably just not a kind person. Idk, I think I am kind but I have bitterness and hatred in me from the experiences I have had and things I observe. I am starting to think I do not have a good personality",Suicidal +12254,"Like, will they go trought your messages, photos, etc. When you call suicide hotline and police gets involved, will they go trought your phone?",Suicidal +9252,I have been feeling like this for weeks and with my social life crumbling my supports have slowly disappeared. Every day i wake up only to want to go back to sleep. only sleep is keeping me away from my thoughts. Lately i have been experiencing alot of looming thoughts of just disappearing and somehow stop this pain....i have tried almost everything from self love to self care and nothing seems to be working... Will it ever get better?,Suicidal +24746, Sucidal thoughts are just temporary thoughts I just want to convey small message in video form..I hope it will be useful ,Suicidal +25045,"Well I have not killed myself yet, but that is not exactly the type of thing you can brag about at dinner parties I overdose on sleeping pills every night so I can actually sleep without thinking about my ex who shattered my heart or getting suicidalIm on both anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and they do not do shit I just finished seven treatments of ketamine, for my chronic treatment resistant depression and they did not help at all. I feel completely destroyed that there is nothing at all out there to help me. I can barely do basic tasks or go to work, and I cry all the time, sometimes in public places. I have no future and no one to love me. But hey, I am fine. How are you? How are you",Suicidal +16214,"I WILL PRAY EVERYDAY THAT ALL HUMANS ON THIS PLANET GET CANCER AND DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. I HATE HATE HATE ALL HUMANS ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER, FUCK THAT BITCH SHE CAN GET RAPED!!!! I REALLY WANT TO SHOOT UP A SCHOOL AND TAKE THESE POOR KIDS OFF THIS FUCKING PLANET!!! [SERIOUS] I HATE HUMANS!",Suicidal +24113,"I do not want to die honestly, I am close to enjoying my life. But I cannot handle being the bad guy.I was fucked up and mentally unwell for years, he wanted to stay, but now he resents me and is abusive to me. I do my best to be impeccable with my word. To be kind, validating, supportive, etc. He tells me I owe him a place to live, while he tells me he does not owe me telling me what he is planning to do when he takes the car that day. I (we) live with my family. I am shamed by him about my toxic attachment with my narcissist grandma we live with.He calls me her pet and shames me for having a support system basically, because when he leaves here, he will have nothing, and while my relationships with family are strained, I have them.I was awful for years and if I do not do everything he wants now, I will be cast as so evil and if I make him homeless before he has the money, I will be damned basically to be considered awful and evil by him forever. Why do I care about what he thinks? Idk.But I am so depressed, desperate, and I cannot stand sleeping in the bed with him in a sexless trash abusive relationship any longer. Pretending to my family that things are fine because I will be the evil one if i use my family's help to make him leave. He will be homeless. he is getting settlement money in a few months but until then I try my best and am consistently told it is not enough. My relationship is truly ruined, I do not even care anymore, but he lives in my house and will not leave until he gets money in 3 months and we sleep in the bed together",Suicidal +10216,"since yesterday i have been getting very racist intrusive thoughts, i have pure ocd so i know all about intense intrusive thoughts but its so bad and all i want to do is die, like i have an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die because i feel like such a terrible person and i just wish i could die so my brain could shut up i hate my intrusive thoughts so much i want to die",Suicidal +22383,"I have zero interest in wanting to live. Nothing appeals to me in life and all I can really see is me killing myself in the future. I am taking it as a matter of fact, because I cannot see what else there is for me.I do not want to fall in love, I do not want to get a job, I do not want to have a family, I do not want to hang out with anyone. I do not get any pleasure from anything except sitting on my ass all day, and even then I am bored all the time.I do not know if I am even explaining myself correctly. I wish I was never born so I could save my parents the pain of losing their only kid.I know I am going to off myself one day. I said to myself, ""I will do it this year for sure"" for the past 4 years. Time is going faster and faster and sooner than later I am going to finish year 12 and I will be floating around the real world without a clue and with no direction. I told myself I have to do it before school ends, but as the day grows nearer it is getting overwhelming. I am probably not going to even do it because it is such a life changing decision. Life changing for sure! I will not even have a life after I make the decision. I do not want to experience life",Suicidal +21314,"Not even intentionally, just wanted to feel nice, i curshed up some pills and did them thru my nose and wnded upoverdosing ! coukddt even type i wa panicking and messaging my gc and i got left on read for the most part or they sent a meme whenni started venting I am so ficking mwd becauseif i take pills = funnyif i overdose = not serious hut when i die its a tradegy?? fucking selfish nan i want to kms Friends do not care like at all",Suicidal +24700,"I know it is impossible for me to go back to the past, but I wish I had made better decisions. Some decisions are irreversible, and because of those decisions I am in so much pain. The past me would never be able to recognize the person I am today. I had many ambitions, but now I feel hopeless because everything is fucked up in my life. My self-confidence is at its lowest. My grades are bad, my degree is useless and on top of that I do not have real friends. I cannot believe how fucked up my life has become in four years. I was doing so well for myself just four years ago, but now I am at the worst position possible in my life. Sometimes I really feel that I could vanish and become completely nonexistent. I just wish to die soon and that might be selfish of me, but I do not think I can live with this pain for the rest of my life. It is too much to ignore or even forgive myself for. I wish I could change my past mistakes",Suicidal +11228,I have 9 more shud i take more. I am tired of all the uncertainties took 11 500mg tablets of paracetamol. what now?,Suicidal +7571,"All I want is to be loved genuinely and unconditionally. Why do I have to get better for them to finally love me? How do I tell them that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just who I am and I am so sorry. I wish I was anything or anyone else. I am sorry I would be so much more lovable if I were dead",Suicidal +36534,"After looking at the American suicide statistics, I was shocked to see that white men in their 40s-50s lead. Right… https://t.co/ZLYTWuxVbQ",Suicidal +18838,"I need help to provide my baby needs. I am working so hard but my salary cannot even buy him a good quality milk. Like I have to buy the cheapest milk and diaper because our money is not enough. I cannot even buy him toys. All his clothes are from thrift store, he never had a brand new clothes. I really want to have a better job but because of this pandemic I have no choice. I am spending my 6hrs for the travel time just to go to work and when I am home I personally taking care of my baby, I do not have time to sleep but it is okay because I will do everything for him. it is just depressing that I cannot give all his needs. His 1st birthday is on August and of course we do not have money to celebrate it. No one wants to help me because I am a disgrace to our family since the father of my child left me. PLEASE HELP ME!!",Suicidal +15414,"The thought to end my life constantly plays in the background of my mind. A part of me has made peace with the thought that that is probably going to be the way I die down the road; Ill get tired of fighting and finally just give in. Currently I live as an obligation to the people in my life that know me and care for me. A part of me knows that I should feel grateful to have people in my life that want me around, but I just feel guilt. I wish I cared about my life as much as they do. I feel bad for them for caring about me and getting attached. I just want to disappear I just want to disappear Tw: suicidal ideation",Suicidal +14822,"Fucking ha. ""Just get treatment""",Suicidal +11248,Society is against people on the autism spectrum and mental health issues and psychological issues. we are surrounded by a bunch a fucking nazis. They blame us for everything and say everything is our fault because they are trying to destroy us psychologically because they want us to kill ourselves. it is just psychological warfare because society and the governments hates people like us. I get extremely angry and suicidal because I am surrounded by a hateful society,Suicidal +7727,"I am deleting reddit. I am going to try and make sure I put my younger sibling in a better environment than what I had before I kill myself. I gave myself the span of two months to get everything ready , along with my letters and such to kill myself before the 15th of September. If I am back after the 15th, well I failed , if my account goes silent or gets deleted, than I am finally content, I am finally gone. Thank you all , this is most definitely my favorite sub and I had alot of bittersweet times here whilst interacting with you all. Goodbye everyone , and thank you.",Suicidal +8593,"I am so terrified of not being good enough that Id rather quit before I even try. Then I think of how much of a loser I am that I would rather kill myself than experience failure and learn from it. After that I try to convince myself that i have to try, but I really do not want to. I am so tired of fighting and I want to give up. I wish Id just killed myself when I was 13 and first wanted to. I do not want to hurt my family and partner though so I have somehow stuck around til 22. Is this just how we have to live? One year at a time, hating it? Sometimes I resent that I love and am loved because its the only reason to stay alive when its killing me to. I am drained and want to be dead",Suicidal +20966,"Fiancee broke up with me on July 4th, we were together 7 years and she was secretly cheating with some guy online.I dedicated my whole fucking life to her for almost a decade, we even were in the process of adopting her crackhead sister's son. Raised him for two years, since he was 5 months old, treated him as my own. it is all gone, and it is over. I will never get to see Dante again. Feel like the past week or two is just a long suicide note. Every day is just me fighting putting a belt around my neck and hanging myself. Sick of life",Suicidal +23177,"I am not a good son, I am not a good brother, I am not a good friend, I am not a good person, I only exist to ruin everything. I crave the feeling of nothing at all, I wish I could have never existed, then maybe I would not have turned out this way. I am definitely not ok",Suicidal +7367,Every time I go through a cycle of happiness and depression it just keeps getting worse. I cannot keep going on like this for the rest of my life. I just want to be better but my mind says no. I do not know how to help myself anymore. This is the first time I have considered suicide in my life because I am so scared about going through these emotions again and again until I die. My head hurts so much from crying I want it to stop. Does the cycle ever stop?,Suicidal +24780,"I am an OD survivor (3 times). I use over the counter medicine and drugs prescribed by professionals. the last time i overdosed was about 11 months ago. now that i am terribly sick, i cannot seem to ingest drugs. like, i actually need medicine currently but I am having so much difficulty swallowing pills. my body overreacts whenever i place a pill on my tongue. i gag, i tear up, my entire body shudders and memories of the stomach cramps and hospital visit flood my head. i always end up puking and this is bad, i desperately need to get better so i can go back to school. anyway, the sight of pills lying on my desk triggers the shit out of me. i want to overdose again, i want to try killing myself again. i miss the pain, i miss the worried look on my parents faces, i miss the thrill of not knowing if ill die or not. idk lol. ANYWAY, i posted this to reach out to OD survivors do you experience similar reactions when ingesting pills? how do you overcome this? any OD survivors?",Suicidal +21917,I need stuff to kms and idk where to get stuff. We can go together. Are there any mentally ill and suicidal people on their LAST straw (you are set to go) in NYC?,Suicidal +12341,"Every time. Every fucking time. When I see my psychiatrist once a month and he asks me ""Any suicidal thoughts"" I lie through my teeth and have to bite on my back teeth hard as I gulp. I always take a sharp inhale afterwards, and he just sighs man. He knows. He fucking knows. And he gives me this look man, like, ""Why are you even here? Do you even want to get better?"" Shit's getting old man I have to fight the urge to laugh",Suicidal +13148,"I stood atop a condo balcony to think to myself whether it seemed like something I could mentally go through with, but damn that is scary... I do not have access to weapons and cutting wrists seems like a miserable way to go out. that leaves overdose, which I imagine would be the best way to go. I threw away all my drugs when i became sober though and I am wondering if anyone would know what drug would be the most pleasant to go out with? in the time it would take for me to get it I will have made up my mind one way or another i guess. I have thought about everything I might miss in the future, I wanted to travel everywhere and see as much as i could before my time was up but tbh, my drive has been teetering on empty for a long time now. i could give my miserable life story but i doubt anyone would care for that, I have wallowed in enough self pity I am surprised i have not drowned, or that my heart has not given out. i cannot eat solid foods without gagging, I am sleep deprived, i have nowhere to go, i have no real friends, my gf of 4 years left me for her co-worker, I am an anxious mess. I just realized i said i would not tell my life story but there I go again, poor o'l me. I am scared of death but I do not want to keep on living",Suicidal +26418,"Got out of a relationship of 8+ years. My lady lied to me that she was talking to someone else. I had to find out through an accidental picture from her. She told me she wasted the last 8 years of her life. Every step of the way she makes me feel lower than dirt to save her own guilt ridden mind. This woman could not care less. I have already attempted twice this past week and she could not care less. My family and friends give me generic words like it will get better with time. What if I do not want to spend my time feeling like utter shit? I drive up and down the freeway an hour both ways to find a friend to hang with but no ones available. I am not strong enough to keep going. I just want to die.My mind is made up. Its going to happen, and soon. Sorry to anyone who knows me that reads this. I just cannot do it anymore. do not want to live anymore.",Suicidal +24299,Everything I have wanted is over I am empty,Suicidal +12250,"My family constantly puts all their stuff on me. if their stressed they dump it on me. I am so sick of it. i wish i could live an easier life. my moms so cruel to me. i do not wanma be abused anymore, i just do not want to be abused anymore. I want an easier life. Nothings Fair",Suicidal +26792,"Not to double post but this time I really really fucked up. I have had suicidal ideation for years but I never went through with it. I almost did, but I did not because my current boyfriend asked me out a few days before I was going to, but I have never told him that out of fear of being manipulative.Just to clarify were in a poly relationship so its me, him, and my gf. My last post explains it more but I have unintentionally hurt her and I do not know if its forgivable. Considering just running away across the country and then killing myself. I have always wanted to see the west coast and I might as well have one nice experience before I die. I am trying to figure out how to plan it. I am 18 but live with my parents (was going to move in with my partners in a couple months but they are both upset with me so idk if that will ever happen) Ill be dead anyways before that happens. If I disappear will I be forced to go home? Thrown into a mental hospital? (We cannot afford it anyways) My mom is working night shift, my dad and siblings are about to sleep. I have tonight to start planning things out but I do not know what I am doing. there is no step to step guide for suicide so I am not surprised, I have never been a too impulsive person so it feels strange to take the leap. I know I only have a little bit of doubt because part of me is still convinced that they will not break up with me after what happened. But even if they do not I deserve thisIf anyone comments I already know I am going to see stuff like try therapy or talk to someone or meditate and exercise and eat healthy1. I have no access to therapy and my family is against it.2. I have tried talking to family and friends, it never helps3. I do plenty of things like that, but its never improved my mental health.I have trauma starting from age 6 and multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses plus autism and an eating disorder. Its not that easy Tired of hurting people",Suicidal +10474,"I am not really suicidal anymore but Id still do it if I got the chance, you know?? I found some pills on my moms desk, and usually she locks them away, but they are there like I see them with my own eyes. I am debating on taking them but I have no idea what they are, and if they are some sort of important medicine I do not think I should take it like just I do not know what to do Ok, probably going to delete this, but I am stuck",Suicidal +13777,I am angry because people see me as a loser who is sub human trash who is not a real man or something. They see me as inferior and I want to kill myself because of it. They see me as sub human that deserves to be ridiculed and criticized in the harshest way possibly and ostracized. I will kill myself if people do not love me first. I am angry because people see me as a loser,Suicidal +17440,how do you handle the ups and downs? when do you just give up all hope? it is because always a little harder to keep myself together after things go south again and again though I was better and now here I am,Suicidal +15749,"I am not really sure how to start this... I guess I could preface this by saying that I have no one in my life to turn to for these issues, so here I am. On February 14th of this year, I developed an extremely rare and incurable neurological disorder called Visual Snow Syndrome. For those of you do not know, Visual Snow Syndrome, or VS for short, is a neurological disorder where sufferers see a sort of layer of ""static"" over their entire visual field. Sufferers might also develop other symptoms, like in my case, raging tinnitus. I am definitely not a depressed or anxious person, but I want to end my life; it sounds like an oxymoron, I know. I want to die because I cannot enjoy those little things about life that I love so much, how the sky looks like on a clear day, what silence sounds like. it is driving me nuts and I do not know how much more of this I can take. It feels like my impending suicide is inevitable; I find myself questioning whether or not today is my last day constantly. Suicidal because of rare disorder",Suicidal +22737,"I have been considering suicide a lot for the last few days. tbh its just been getting worse and worse over the years. i do not even want to exist anymore. my mom keeps saying if i do not do everything i hate I am going to be depressed fat and sad for the rest of my life. like I am not already depressed and fat. everytime i make a tiny fucking mistake my mom starts yelling and shit. once i did not hear my dad say something and my mom took away all my fucking electronics for the rest of the day. may not sound like a big deal for you, but i rely on the internet. i rely on video games to stay alive. my school makes it even worse. everyone just makes me feel stupid and i have panic attacks constantly. i keep fucking messing up and everyone just laughs. if i try to tell my opinion everyone just laughs. i get made fun of the way i talk, walk, look EVERYTHING. what the fuck is the point in living if everything I am going to feel is pain suffering and stress? and everyone just says ""it gets better trust me"". it does not. it just gets worse, and worse, and worse. i keep cutting my arms up when my last scar heals. every time i try and say anything to my class or teachers no one listens. why will not anyone just listen for once? i just want to stay in my room for the rest in my life. why cannot i just become an adult and die? why? why fucking me? what did i do? i did nothing. please help me. i do not know how much longer i can hang on in there",Suicidal +24131,"So I just overdosed on a shit ton of prescription meds, I also had some aleve, Tylenol, Advil, and some alcohol. I also ate a crap ton of vitamin gummies with iron in them, so that will help. Ill just sit here and wait it out for a bit, seeya Its begun",Suicidal +22869,I want to say that i am new here and i hope this is the good subreddit.I did not took my antidepressants for 2 weeks and i am very close from a disaster.The thing is that i am like this for about 3 years and I have a major mental breakdown about every day. My mom is the reason why I do not want to quit today but I am close. hi guys,Suicidal +23990,I am just scared about the possibility of what might come after death and if I would be punished for killing myself. I am also afraid of the pain during suicide. I want a death that is as painless and fearless as possible. In So Much Pain. Feel The Need To Be Released From This Pain,Suicidal +22209,"moved back to my hometown after living across country for a few years. within a week, mom has already told me that they were fine without me. i feel so frustrated because the one thing that has stopped me from killing myself all this time has always been family. i honestly do not think ill ever be happy and wish some freak accident would happen and i would just disappear. venting",Suicidal +8798,Today is my birthday and i just realized I have been suicidal for a whole year now. I though i was getting better but it just got worse then before. A year of pain and depression,Suicidal +26372,"HEY! I am darwin. and I am a complete mess of a human. I am like literally the biggest failure you will ever meet. I make SOOO many mistakes, never learn from them. I am a waste of a human and I do not even know why I am here. I am pretty sure my whole existence is based on some cruel joke. I have wasted countless opportunities due to laziness, acute sadness etc. Today I was supposed to write an entrance test to a college i rly want to get into. I did not read the mail properly and missed it by half a day ( thought it was 10pm, was actually 10am ). My parents are trying to talk to the admission officers rn, but like... How stupid right... How stupid. HOW FUCKING STUPID. like ... sigh. I do not know why I am even like... doing this or whatever. I am an incompetent idiot. I will never survive this shit. I did not know where else to post this, or even whom else to tell.",Suicidal +37316,RT @dcostaroberts: The Pentagon spent millions to prevent suicides. But the suicide rate went up instead. https://t.co/D7BaGVTi9h,Suicidal +25082,"I am 22F and I am genuinely a burden on everyone I know. I apologize in advance for the structure of this post and if anything does not make sense; my brain is kind of on fire right now.My problems with controlling my emotions and constant emotional outbursts along with how much I just cannot seem to get over how much I dislike myself is just an absolute drag on everyone around me. it is frustrating because I have been working on myself for a while and making great progress, but even now, I still have moments of being the same burdensome person on my family and partner. I love my partner so much; he is the best thing that is ever happened to me, and all I do is bring him down. he is trying to work on his career and all I do is upset him every few days with bringing up past things that have happened in our relationship that I just cannot get over for some reason and ruin his day. I have struggled with my weight and body image for so long, had so many ups and downs with it, and I feel extremely discouraged that it is never going to fully get better no matter how hard I work. I almost want to just.....reset. I do not think I am ever going to get over the pain of things that have happened to me in the past. I ruin my partner's life and yet he refuses to leave me when I beg him to. I have been working so hard for so long and I truly just do not feel like I am going to get better. I am a disappointment to my family. I was amazing in school all my life but then lost motivation my last few years of college and, while I graduated, I cannot even get a decent job now. I am not as beautiful or outgoing as my siblings. Everyone has to put up with my weird attacks of anxiety and phases of depression. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist but things are just not seeming to change.Again, I am sorry that this was so all over the place. I am just truly realizing what an overall burden I am on the lives of everyone I love. I think they would be better off without me here. I genuinely cannot think of any redeeming qualities about myself. I truly and genuinely believe that the life of everyone I know would be better if I was not in it.",Suicidal +12967,"ok so absolutely tw for the usual stuff you see here jumping right into it I have just cut myself again cos i was thinking too much. i have super duper bad ptsd (diagnosed, not treated, was told there was nothing they could do) and i was being referred to the psych team but i just cancelled all their calls cos i had an episode and told them not to bother ringing me back so they have not (fair enough to them, my fault) but i literally despise myself for it. i know i cannot be helped but that was my chance and i blew it and now I am not going to get another one so what is the point? i think the blade i used was bad too, it was old and dirty and now the cuts burn like they are on fire but I am too tired to care. if they get infected, they get infected. whatever. i wish i was not crazy, I am 18 and it feels like my life is already over. if i had the energy to stand and go to my drawer i feel completely sure in saying i would kill myself right now. everything i say just goes to the void anyway. who knows if this post will still be here in five minutes. the only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that my mum is really ill with cancer and she needs me to give her the meds she takes tomorrow cos my dad is at work and he cannot do it anyway. who cares. its all getting a bit much",Suicidal +26011,"i am 14 female and my therapist says i have pocd (pedophile ocd) but i do not know if i am a pedophile or not and I am so confused and so drained and i would really rather die than be attracted to kids, most people would agree that pedos should die so i am thinking that if i just ended it then no one would care because who gaf about pedophiles. i really would do everyone a favor, i hung out with my 7 year old cousin yesterday and everything was normal and i felt no attraction towards her and we actually had a lot of fun playing legos and then when she left i had in intrusive thought and now i want to end it all again. and if it turns out i am actually attracted to kids i do not think i would physically be able to live with myself, what do you guys think? also people always tell me that god will help but god is not helping and I am just wondering when is it my turn for god to save me?? i want help i want to be normal i am just tired and drained",Suicidal +25177,"Everyone I know is tired of me because I am sad all the time. I decided I want to turn my life around and I should not kill myself. But how do I stop wanting to? Thoughts about suicide are constant for me. But I cannot kill myself, so what can I do to stop these thoughts? So how do I stop feeling like this?",Suicidal +8231,"I do not know what started it. I just got up, and started walking. My brother owns some home-protection firearms. I grabbed a gun and put it to my head, but I did not do much else. I just wanted to feel that feeling, being one finger motion away from freedom.I have been so emotionally violatile lately, my brother is losing faith in our family, my mother cannot have a single conversation with me without it ending in screaming. Everything would be better if I was not here. I feel like I am responsible for all the discourse is our family, and I do not want to hurt any more feelings. I just want to stop existing, I want to give my family freedom without me dragging them down.I guess in the end you can breathe relief that I did not actually pull the trigger. But I got there, to that position. I was there, and I can still feel the lingering chill of where I placed it on my head. I am not sure where to go from here, I am losing more faith in myself everyday. I put a gun to my head",Suicidal +21732,"I mean I have cried over you, I have hurt and sometimes, it kind of does, like a pinch, when i remember you are ignoring me after everything we did together. Our firsts. But you are young, were both young, maybe i should have saw this coming. I should have known you having a dream of us having a family was not as deeply meaningful as i wanted it to be. You cannot even bother to say hi back anymore and when you do its short responses. Shorter and just different than how you used to not that long ago. I do not think I am dumb, i know you are avoiding me. I just wish you would tell me you want some distance or something. Is it because i told you I am getting help? Do you just want to avoid me until I am better? Why did not you do that before i gave you head. When i told you my traumas and how I have been having episodes. But its whatever. I am probably looking too deep into something that was probably surface level to begin with. I do not feel that much over it now. I do not feel much over anything. My cat is sick and after four days of no drinking or eating she finally wants to again, but i still feel nothing. Maybe anger towards my mom for how she is abusing her but not much else. I cried but it does not hurt, it just happened. I just wish i had some kind of support through this. I would like to think i deserve some kind of support when I am making my efforts to get better and begin recovery. I mean i just had to lose my first job too on shit terms because of my health. But I am alone. I am always alone. Its that from birth until death. Always alone. I hope this time I am coming to terms with it. Maybe i will not even say anything to my doctor next month. Maybe ill keep it the way its been and then i can kill myself. I do not have support for me getting better and i do not feel like i deserve help in the first place. What was i thinking. Jesus fuck Just numb i guess, i do not know",Suicidal +15098,"I have a security clearance and if my employer finds out I am suicidal I will lose my job. I called the suicide hotline this morning. If they cannot get someone there physically to talk to you and make a report than they ask ""is there anything else I can do"". I have nobody to talk to. I am almost tempted to blow my brains at my ex gf place so she can live with the guilt of ignoring my cries for help. cannot tell anyone without repercussions",Suicidal +13943,"I have decided I am unlovable - I know that is dramatic but I just cannot shift the feeling that some people aka me are just not deserving of love. Some people aka me are just unlovable. do not tell me I am. Even now I am in what we are calling a relationship - he says we are ""dating"" but that we are not ""bf/gf"" - because of covid and distance - I feel like this person will never feel affection like that for me, I am not even sure if he likes me or if I am just convenient. I do not think anyone ever will. How do you tell someone you are seeing that you are essentially emotionally numb, when they reach out to you and tell you they are in a bad place? You say you have not felt emotionally in touch with things since before we met - it has made me feel worse - only reaffirming the aforementioned, I am not loveable. People use me at their convenience, I am the disposable friend, the therapist/bank of a daughter, the lonely and desperate fwb without the friends or benefits to me. I thought this person was different, I thought for a brief moment maybe I would found someone who actually wanted to be with me - not just in a relationship but someone who valued me as a person, someone who did not just convenient. The crushing realisation that this is not true is too much for me to handle. I just want to feel valued and loved. I feel such guilt for wanting to not be alive - so much of my life is where I know others only wish for it to be, I have achieved all the goals I have set out for myself - grades, volunteering, university - but at the cost of feeling so alone. I feel like nobody even my own family care. I feel like I am forever going to be on my own with these thoughts. It was almost a month of not saying to myself ""I want to die"" - I spent the month feeling anxious, of course, but the depressive thoughts had subsided - I thought I was getting better, happier - I thought I was beginning to cope. I am begining to realise, harshly, that these past few weeks were just mania - I am not better, and the realisation is so much worse. Being alive is beginning to hurt again. I am in a dark hole and just as I thought maybe I was getting out I have plunged deeper. I am thinking about antidepressants again, but I am scared last time I drank vodka on them and blacked out - but maybe they are my answer to these thoughts. I have began to fantasise about the logistics again, the how, when, and aftermath. The thoughts have already began forming a plan, I am literally on my own at uni nobody would know unless someone came looking for me but with the way things are I reckon it would a few days before anyone even began to look. It would be so easy, I would feel such relief I know it - but the guilt is too overwhelming, I feel guilty for potentially hurting people who are hurting me. Who are fueling the thoughts that drive me to want to die. The thoughts that make me self-harm. I am just so tired. I have spent the majority of my life fighting the urge to die. When does it stop? - I know the answer to that is obvious. The thoughts are back again after I thought I was doing so well ...",Suicidal +14500,"I feel like my lifes over, I am not smart and I just suck at everything. I am not strong enough. I keep failing",Suicidal +17224,I am going to be super pissed tomorrow if any of you let me down. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Lots of love Super pissed,Suicidal +20176,Today I rewrote my note and tomorrow I will be cleaning out my room and continue working on my plan. I rewrote my note today and will continue planning.,Suicidal +14677,thank you <3 just took a lot of pills,Suicidal +19800,just asking for a friend what is the most painless way to die?,Suicidal +14201,It allows assisted suicide for people that only have mental illnesses (terminal illness is no longer required to apply) Canada passed the C-7 Bill,Suicidal +16604,"Survived 10 attempts in my 25 years so I suck at this dying thing clearly. Next time planning to slash vertical from wrist up to elbow crookAdvice to help me not survive??? Please I just want to die. Looking for help/advice to effectively commit suicide, details within",Suicidal +25976,My humiliation and mental torture of sleeping outside has finally come too much. My unemployment is done n I am just tired. I am going to make a nooseout of my charger cord n hangmyself I know this week will be the week i end it all. My humiliation and mental torture of sleeping outside has finally come too much.,Suicidal +25508,Feeling lonely and suicidal. Need to hear somebody is voice.,Suicidal +16229,"I have planned it, I am writing my note. i know where I am going to do it, all i have to do is wait to get out of stupid lockdown so i cannot take the first train to the cliff. i will not fail this time bye lol",Suicidal +18393,"No matter what meds I do, counselling, exercising multiple times a day, yoga, meditation, clean diet, talking to people, working, going outside, walking dog, drink calming tea, video games, watch videos. I still always have and will hate living. Depression makes my life pointless. I know ill be a loner forever and deal with depression forever. what is the point to life when my brain will not allow me to feel happiness ever. I am sick of this shit. This is true depression and I would not wish it on anyone. I really am so scared of death. Any time I get close I freak out. No its not because I want to live I am just scared. Survivsl instincts ig I never like living",Suicidal +21291,"Please, I just need one reason why i should not just yeet myself into oncoming traffic. Nothing matters. Nothing fucking matters. Its all pointless and i do not understand why people think otherwise. I used to think that too myself. What happened? Why am I like this? I am such a complete fucking loser and a waste on societys resources. Honestly. What is the reason that so many other people seem to understand but not me? Someone please give me a reason",Suicidal +7432,"Been waking up everyday with really no hope, I have been told also that I have syphilis. I do not really want treatment and hope it just kills me. Nobody really wants me around, they just try to make me feel better by pretending to care. I live in a shitty neighborhood where I am constantly living in fear with a bipolar dad that dishes out his criticism and disappointment on me. I am worn out, like before I was working out and working, but it hit me. What am I doing this for if I have nothing to really cherish anyway? I am always thinking about others but I am always getting the back end of shit. I am fucking exhausted, I am tired of not being able to hold a job, because I cannot get along with anyone. I am tired of being ignored in situations where I am trying to excel. I am tired of being disrespected. I am tired of feeling so anxious to even be apart of society. I am tired of thinking there is a future for me when in realty I am so fucked I am better off dead. I get shitted on everyday for who I am, how am I suppose to be happy at all? I am tired of searching through these fucking hook up apps just to find some damn friends. I am fucking tired. Had my 26th birthday on the 26th, and did not really celebrate life is so dull now.",Suicidal +14568,"Many have said this; Death is not scary, it is the uncertainty of what comes after it. I have tons of things I want to accomplish, yet they feel so far away. I have friends, but they do not feel genuine. Even if I try to find a home in this world, I feel like I do not belong anywhere. it is so hard to trust anyone, humans can easily fake emotions. I am so afraid and tired of everything. If I was not afraid of pain, I might have killed myself a long time ago.",Suicidal +17927,"Considering how bad I was during the new year, I am lucky I made it this far, but I think it is time to go. I feel empty rn and when I do not feel empty it is complete agony. I am sick of going day by day thinking it will get better, thinking maybe this will be the day I get help, when I really know that I am never going to get help. Unless something drastic happens, I will never get help. I am not capable of it. I do not do things unless I feel pressure to do them, and even my worst suicidal thoughts I got used to so I do not feel the urgency anymore. Maybe if my professors put ""call the counselling center"" as a graded assignment I would do it. But as of now it is not going to happen. I am going to kill myself one day, so why not tonight. Maybe if I survive I will get the help I need. And if I do not I will not have live with this stupid brain which seems intent on making my life as agonising and exhausting as possible regardless of how good my life is on the outside. Adios",Suicidal +14911,Why did not I just do it :/ I almost jumped of a building today,Suicidal +26747,"I posted here yesterday about having uncontrollable obsessions with certain aspects of life and nobody responded, guess it just proves my point. I take life too seriously, I rarely experience any pleasure or happiness, and I am lonely, and suicide seems more and more like a legitimate response to all of it. Endless struggle and no idea how to get better",Suicidal +13650,"Hi everyone. This is going to be a different post from my prior two. Feel free to read about why I am going to end my life in a few months in my prior posts if you want to. Here are some of my hopes for the future after I am gone. I am an old millennial. I am as old as you can be and still be a millennial. I have witnessed firsthand how millennials and younger have had to deal with horrible recessions and wages not keeping pace with inflation. Home ownership is also now becoming an impossibility without being dangerously close to bankruptcy even if you can afford to save a down payment while working a job that barely pays the rent. I am in finance and do ok financially, but grew up poor and have had struggles. My first real job paid enough to have a nice one bedroom apartment in a great neighborhood and now that same entry level job would barely keep a crappy roof over my head. Life is unfortunately getting harder, but it does not have to be this way. I am encouraged by the labor shortage and the remote working revolution. let us just call the labor shortage for what it really is. it is a bunch of companies not paying a living wage and then complaining that they cannot find people to work. All jobs in the United States should pay a living wage, period. If their business model does not support a living wage, they need to go out of business. Please continue to fight the good fight and resist these crappy companies and jobs. They will only change if they are forced to change. If you are fortunate enough to have a job that can be done remotely, resist the employers push to return to the office. Either demand more money for the extra time and commute or quit for a remote job. They want control over you. Millions of us proved for over a year and a half that the company can make money, we can be productive and have more time for us. To be able to live anywhere we want. To have more freedom. Now, they want to return to the old ways to control you. Resist it. Understand that you have value. A good employer should treat you like you are in a mutually beneficial relationship. Again, companies will revert back to the old ways and force us into long commutes, time away from family and force us to live somewhere we do not want to live if you allow them to get away with it. Punish their bottom-line by resigning in massive waves until they get the message. Forcing me back into the office was the final nail in my coffin. Do not allow them to get away with taking even more of your freedom. Having a living wage, a nice roof over your head and more freedom does not guarantee happinesses as I have experienced, but I also know it is damn near impossible to have happiness if your basic needs are not met. I am also encouraged that social acceptance around depression seems to be increasing. I have noticed more people publically talk about their problems even in the workplace. Yes, we have a long way to go but the trend is encouraging. I really am encouraged by younger people questioning the status quo. I just hope they win and make the world a slightly better place. It will not resolve all problems. For example, it would not do anything to cure my loneliness, but financial problems and struggle are one of the leading causes of depression. The younger generation has an opportunity to improve the way things are. Good luck to all of you. I truly hope you find peace and happiness. I do not have anyone to talk to in my life and reddit has been one small pleasure during my time of extreme unhappiness. Thank you all. General advice to people and some trends that I hope will continue after I am gone",Suicidal +24446,"I left home yesterday with the intention of not coming back. After hours of driving around and mentally going to hell and back, I did come home. In the past when this type of thing happened, there was a relief of survival and even a little hope. This time feels very different, I now feel like I was not supposed to come back home and now I am living on borrowed time. Anyone else have experience with this? Borrowed Time",Suicidal +22202,I just want to stop fucking living I feel so pathetic,Suicidal +25360,"Dehydrating and starving myself till slow damage, in jail if i do jail time. that is the timer.if i do not it wants another timer.Red Blue Green. White lightOne dark and one white an image. Isolated myself to the point of no return, everyone in society has changed, my mom has weirdly change because I have isolated. who is real? Who remained the same? Who has not changed?",Suicidal +16460,"Being in the same mindset as a lot of you guys, I too see the world as bleak, meaningless, & repetitive. Thoughts lead me here & I have read many posts for months. Seems as if the thing holding a lot of us back is the trauma it would because the ones closest to us and the fact that we would not want that sadness to fall upon them for as long as they are around to think about it. But my creative mind thinks about a scenario where what if one day every human being on earth were all to be visited by something at the exact same time, something like an alien, glowing cloud or futuristic looking AI, idk. Something we can tell is not of earth, but something more powerful This being explains that every human is simultaneously having the same interaction around the globe. They then tell us their sole purpose for coming today is to give each person a choice, stay put where we are currently & continue our regular lives, or we could choose the gift of death, no strings attached, just death. They cannot explain what it is to us, but if we accept we get to leave earth & go wherever real death is. It would be painless, quick, and take no more effort than just stepping thru a void the alien has opened would you walk thru? Not knowing what death has in store, would you take the step forward, being thankful that now at least your loved ones will understand that you took the opportunity a lot of other humans from around the world probably took, or would you decide to stay & live this seemingly pointless life? Just a random movie-ish idea I thought of that would at least eliminate some of the passed down trauma. They would at least understand that you, along with however many other people decided the same, were not interested in life here anymore & wanted another option, wanted a way out. Would you?",Suicidal +13590,"Why do I keep thinking of you M, you make me want to jump off a fucking bridge. I am going to stick around though anyways. This is bullshit. I miss you like hell and I hate this shit",Suicidal +10005,"it is over guys. There is no future.You will lose a parent or a loved one.For relationships, you will have to compete with 1000s of others that are richer and better looking. Chances are, it will not be youYou will probably work a job you hate for the rest of your life with no meaning. If you want a career in 2021, even entry level jobs... you will need to rely on connections. Without connections, you will need a minimum of 5 years experience + a MBA or so that will put you in debt, just so you can still struggle to find a job.Somebody else who was born in better conditions and better connections will take the career you want.Somebody else with better looks, more confidence and genetic blessings + with natural born skills will win the heart of the person of your dreams over you.You are nothing but vermin that will watch everyone around you make the most out of life.All while you get older and older for 60 years and time flies past you as you grow increasingly fragile and worse mentally.I see why some end it early. Who wants to endure this shit for years?Sucks to be born how we were born. Some were meant to enjoy this temporary simulationSome were meant to fail and suffer all through this fucking sick unfair joke called Life.it is over anon. I or should I say, we are not meant to be happy and never will be.it is all a lottery in an endless universe where we are a speck, we are living in a giant floating sphere of water with land on it ran by egocentric rich people that have us by the balls like ventriloquistsIt's over. Life was already pre-determined for us. There is no 360, no life changing story. Forget it. It will not happen to you. it is over guys.",Suicidal +8862,The title says it all. I really really hate myself for being me. Starting to hate everything and the funny thing is everyone takes it as a joke. Keep it up. Just make me feel worse. it is all I want Self hate,Suicidal +23787,Pretty much the title. How do I know if I am fantasizing suicide or if I actually want it?,Suicidal +16260,I cannot tag it NSFW for some stupid reason. This is all have. I hope this is okay. I want to cut myself so bad. I want to stab my eye. I want cut my arms up. I want to cut off my penis. I want to feel pain. I feel like I am falling back into how I felt a few months ago. I want other things more than I want to die but death is so much easier. I would not fail to kill myself if I tried. I can easily kill myself. Its tempting. Nobody can stop me. I want to fucking burn. NSFW I feel bad,Suicidal +14698,"i do not know what I am living for anymore :/ i buried the shorts i got sexually assaulted in last year in the back of my closet and today while getting out a shirt i saw them and it really fucked me up and i cannot fucking dealnow i cut pretty bad after being clean for 2 months and i feel so fucking terrible. everything is so fucking overwhelming, i just got diagnosed bipolar not too long ago and tried to kill myself while manic and now being reminded of this fucked up experience. it never fucking ends. there is so much shit that is going wrong i cannot even list it alli have a whole bottle of vicodin i got prescribed after a surgery and a three month supply of my mood stabilizers, I am really hoping its enough to kill me. i already planned on not being here for my 18th birthday and its just less than a year away now, i feel like i should just do it tonight there is no reason to keep going might do it tonight",Suicidal +36402,maybe i think i deserve to die,Suicidal +19307,"I do not enjoy any aspect of life and the misery I feel continues getting worse without bound. I am a pretty terrible person. The only good thing I can say about me is I have a working moral compass because I know I am not following it. I know to stay silent about the truly horrible things I have done. Society wants nothing to do with me and society's instinct is correct, even though it is for the wrong reason. Every person who has given me a chance realized I was a terrible person and left me but most people assume I am a decent person but they just do not want to have anything to do with me. I want so badly to say everybody abandoned me but I do not feel cutting terrible people out of your life should count as abandoning someone. Let me explain to you how terrible a person I am. I had only attempted to end my life once before and literally nobody knows about it. Just so you know this is not a pattern of behavior. I contacted the only people who ever claimed to care for me before I tried ending things and they did not care. They left me long ago for how terrible I was, and they are kind, giving people who constantly put others before themselves but they do not care that I am ""dead"" at the moment (I should be dead and they for sure know that is the case but they do not care).The stupid thing is I have spent the last few years dramatically improving my life through therapy, medication and general self improvement but at the core of everything I am just a person I despise. The people who legitimately loved me realized how terrible i am while they only hady a surface level understanding of how awful I am and they decided to leave me to die. I have the full picture, and it is much uglier than the one the people who used to know me decided to remove from their life. So why would not I remove it from my life as well?Before they left me I had this idea that I could turn things around and ignore all the terrible things I have done but I legit hate everyone at this point. I felt like as long as my hatred was pointed inwards it was possible to redeem myself. I hate the people who left me. Other people's pain actively makes me feel good. I used not to be this way. Very recently I used not to be this way. A disaster would happen like 8 months ago and I would literally become so saddened by it that i could not get out of bed. Like, I would think of the Challenger disaster and just lie in bed depressed as fuck crying thinking about how terrible it was. Nowadays I feel like I am on the verge of literally masturbating when terrible things happen to people because it is such a pleasure to me. The kinder the person is who is hurt the more pleasure I feel. My ex-friends were very kind people and if they still knew me and something bad happened to them I do not think I could hold back from indulging in the satisfaction my hatred brings me. I was not a good person before people's suffering brought me delight but it is driven me towards being monstrous. And I am no exception. Terrible things happen to me is also a delight. I literally am begging for my world to fall apart.I am not sure what I hope to accomplish with this. I attempted the big deed recently and I removed all my accounts on everything but i could not delete this one because I do not remember the password so I signed out of it but it is still on my phone. I am signing out of this account on my phone once I finish writing here. I hope I am not around much longer. I think what I want to accomplish is to because someone to feel saddened by the pain I feel at this moment. I do not want help. If Reddit did not remove certain subreddits, I would be posting in a community that encouraged the actions I am planning.I am signing out of this account and I will not be able to respond to any interaction I get on here. I would actually discourage anyone from talking to me regardless. I do not understand why I am still around",Suicidal +7651,I keep trying to put it away or throw the knife away but it is like an addiction even though i can never bring myself to actually cut How do i stop myself from trying to cut in the shower,Suicidal +16662,"I just know for a fact that my life is going to turn to shit, people always say suicide eliminates the possible of it getting better but what if it never does? A lot of the time it truly never gets better for people so why should I waste my life living a life I do not want to live when I can just die? what is point anyway? Were all dying one day anyway, But I just choose to end mine sooner. Also life is not promised either. We literally live to die so what is the point anyway? I know when I get older Ill be a bitter ass woman with no life goals, or dreams, or anything accomplished, no husbands or kids, working a shitty ass 9-5 barely making ends meet wanting to die even more so I want to save myself from living that shitty lifestyle. I already know what Ill turn out to be knowing myself too well. I feel like Illl never get better so really what is the point? I already know that my life will not be anything in the future so I feel like it will be better to end it before it gets worse.",Suicidal +14936,I am only 22 so I do not have too much and I imagine my parents will carry out my wishes if I just write them on a piece of paper but is there anything I should include/know about writing a will before I go? I am leaving my money to look after my dog when I am gone. Any Advice for Writing a Will?,Suicidal +17949,"I am a 450 pound man that can barely walk, my life cannot get much worse. Is suicide underrated?",Suicidal +24669,"The feeling of regret. You know you should have done something, do something differently, take your chances. But now, there is nothing to be done anymore. there is nothing worse than when this feeling sinks in. I will not live with this feeling anymore. Do you know this feeling?",Suicidal +8321,"Hi. So a bit of background.My dad is 54 years old and has been married to my mum for 30 years. When my mum had me (21), she developed postpartum depression which lead to psychotic depression and according to him this has essentially changed her and unfortunately has lead to a somewhat unhappy marriage, although things have recently been stabilised in terms of any arguments. My mum has also suffered abuse as a child and multiple different traumas which has lead to her being very underdeveloped cognitively and intellectually which on top of the depression results in her being unable to properly look after herself. This is why my dad has never divorced, hes never said it outright but I reckon the only reason he stays is because of the sense of obligation.His relationship with me as a child used to be good, but it was always tainted with his anger. He would shout at me for spilling juice or for asking for magazines/toys, or just for nothing if work had been bad. Essentially as I grew up, I became more frustrated with his anger and started shouting back as a teenager does. He took this to mean his anger should not be restricted then. One time when I was 14, I went to the wrong street for him to pick me up (one street over) and as soon as I got in the car, he started driving as bit, hit the brakes then screamed in my face I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU. He would always apologise after but it felt like walking on eggshells always. I have not had anything like that recently with him, but I do not know if that is because hes better or there is more distance between us in our relationship. Overall, I very much get the impression that he feels trapped by my mother and I, that he wishes life could have been different.He has his mum and dad but his anger has caused their relationships to be strained. He has maybe three friends? But he only sees them at work.I have suspect this has caused him to be depressed, bear in mind hes never claimed to be outright depressed. For a while now hes talked about death and he hopes he dies soon. My mother was on holiday with him last year and told me that she found him weeping in the shower and after that he tried to leave the apartment naked (mental breakdown?) but he was fine the next day. I did not say anything because I was scared, terrified of what he would say if confronted about it. The only person I would ask about stuff like this is my dad, but that is not an option. My mother is in no state of mind to handle this so it falls on me.Tonight he said to me that we had to talk about what I should do when he dies, get everything in order. I said to him no let us not, because you are not going to die for a good while, to which he responded with you will be lucky if I am here next week. He then reminded me before going to bed about this talk were to have. I am terrified. I think hes going to do it. I love him so much please help me here. I do not know how to help him. I do not even know if I am overreacting or what. What should I do. I think my Dad might kill himself",Suicidal +15849,"i know ill probably get deleted or hated or something. but just the existence of AGP makes me want to stop living. my entire life i have been traumatized by the concept that women are just sex objects, that they are just sexy or cute and dumb and all this other stuff. rarely seeing women representing in the ways men are, and then seeing men get so angry when we bring that up.I have been suicidal before because of that, and tried to take my own life in 8th grade, but failed.this shit has made me feel so bad about existing that it made me think i was trans, so i could just be a man and stop having to live as the inferior class. it took a lot to overcome all of this and learn how to love myself for who i am, and that the sexist notions of womanhood do not define me.but then the other side of the coin.. men who find sexual pleasure in being degraded like a sexy dumb and cute girl. everything men have always made me feel like a woman is, now they are getting off on it. i even dated a male who wanted me to call them a stupid girl in the bedroom while i pegged them, they called themselves a bimbo. they got off to the idea of being a woman. they got to enjoy a full male childhood, still had male hobbies, still did not know what it was like to be treated like a woman in the world. but they got the best of both worlds. they watched sissy hypno porn, which basically told them they were turning into a woman who was going to be fucked like a useless whore. and they liked to dress up like the girls they were attracted to (which is not bad by itself, i would love it if they did that without calling themself a woman)to see males taking hormones to give themselves breasts because they are attracted to breasts and they want to play with them, and hold them and own them. makes me feel like a sex object again for having breasts naturally.and a lot of these dudes feel like its right for them, because it makes them feel happy. and that is all it takes to see women as sexual objects to buy, if it makes a male feel good inside.I have even seen males who do not identify as women but they just want to go on HRT so they can have a body that they are personally attracted to. idk, if people understood all of this, if society knew about this, maybe i would not feel so hopeless. but common consensus nowadays is that all of these people are just the same as any other woman.i cannot say any of this to anyone because I will get called hateful. I would not be surprised if this post was removed by mods, or I am hounded by comments telling me how shitty I am. But this is my truth. I want to die. I do not want to live anymore because all the sexist shit that has haunted me my entire life can just be a fetish for a male, and we have to respect and treat them like they are no different from me.i feel like the one little thing women have in life, they have taken that too.i know that I am a terrible person. but i cannot stop seeing this. and that is another reason i want to die. because everyone would think I am a shitty person for thinking this way.ill probably delete this. sorry :( the suicidal feelings come and go, and its because I am a terrible person.",Suicidal +8355,Slept Woke up cleanDidn't feel like doing shitWent back to sleep repeat since my first day off. I feel so sad. I slept all day for 6 days straight on my week off work and I am still exhausted,Suicidal +26824,"I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Everything seems to be some kind of joke. No skills and no work ethic. Fine when people are around but without smoking every day there is nothing else I want to stick around for. I know people would miss me but only for a while, and I would become some kind of story for them to keep living. Idk how I would do it. Maybe with dads gun. Maybe some pills. I just do not want to keep going. Everyone says it will get better one day, or that things will change. How long do I have to go through this? How long until things change? I am sick of waiting around and wasting my time with others who tell me things are better when they really are not No light",Suicidal +21488,"i woke up some time ago just to think maybe today i should finally kill myself. i think that everyday just not immediately when i wake up. I am getting more scared each day. what if i will not be able to handle the pain anymore, and i finally off myself. I am just so fucking confused because part of me wants to live but the other part wishes i was never born. suicide was the first thing i thought of today",Suicidal +36200,HOW DID I JUST GIVE UP ON SLEEPING IM NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE I HATE MYSELF DAMN,Suicidal +16180,"Ok all jokes aside, though it seems I cannot be serious about anything its because joking is all that stifles the pain. Its so temporary though. Its literally just a small buffer between me and death and I am pretty grateful for it. Humor gifted me with a few more years than I probably would have had without it. I am going to hahaha myself to death because I find everything funny because nothing material matters. Its all fodder created by some other person years or decades, or centuries ago and yet, we treat it likes its reality just because a majority subscribe to it and agree to it. Fuck, if that is not the ultimate form of comedy then I do not know what is. Nonetheless, I have written my goodbyes, I made sure to have a really nice last couple of weeks, and now, its time to go. Love you all, I hope you find what you are looking for! So does suicide watch mean Ill have a viewing party?",Suicidal +7069,"I have been in therapy and I feel so much better. it is been a year since the last time I thought about ending my life, I have done so much work and I still have to, but I feel really proud of myself. It gets better, I promise!! I no longer want to kill myself",Suicidal +8541,"i have schizophrenia and i feel very isolated. i have been reading the stories in this reddit thing and it makes me sad but also relieves me that there are plenty others who feel that their time is near. this may sound a bit morbid, but maybe sometimes we do not need to live. maybe we do not have a choice if we are born but we should have a choice to end it if we so desire. trouble is that if the attempt does not work you are at risk of being institutionalized. and the truth is those facilities, or at least the ones I have been in are far from therapeutic. i wish i could be a normal person with a normal brain, who does not think of dying and the ways in which to do so almost if not all day. is there anyone who feels the same? i find myself to be cowardly nowadays when it comes down to doing what i need to do. i think that is because i have attempted and failed so many times. anyway, i hope this message reaches somebody out there. thanks. hi i just wanted to say something",Suicidal +26938,"I absolutely hate myself. I have disappointed all friends and family, including myself.it is been two months now since my first and only attempt. I got back on my feet and life has being going OK... Until now. I simply do not want to live. it is boring, uninteresting and stupid. I did not ask for life. Shit piss cum fuck this world.. I need rest and relief. Please just let me step back, let go and leave for good.. I deserve to",Suicidal +13712,"Its been a long time since I have cried. Its been even longer since I have truly had the urge to care about something. When I was in the 10th grade, I tried a percocet for the first time with a group of my friends. It was that moment that haunts my life to this day. I upgraded to straight fentanyl after a while, and it became apparent that I did not make enough to afford my addiction. After ruining about all of my relationships by either stealing or borrowing money from my closest family and friends, I went on to ask random strangers Id see at the gas station or distant colleagues. My life was shit before the drug usage. Parents divorced, dad a drug addict, mom a whore, and me a bipolar, anxious, scared person- there was not an absolute reason I should not be using in my mind. After a couple of years of failed attempts of being off and on sober, I decided I was going to end it all. However, that did not work. My tolerance was to a point that made it very difficult to OD on. On my final attempt, however, I bought 30 pills. Stimulus check helped me there. I drove to a spot that was public so my body would be found, and I snorted 15 of those pills. After woken by police, it was obvious that did not work the way I wanted it to. Court ordered to rehab, I went through the entire 3 month program flawlessly. Using my previous knowledge of rehabilitations spit outs, and a some what will to make myself better, I came out feeling sad. I knew Id miss my peers and even some of the counselors. That brings us to a year later. I have stayed clean, however I have had constant suicidal thoughts and plans circling my mind for months. I do not know if I should or not, but I just want this dark comedy of a life to end. My friends do not talk to me. I miss both my ex girlfriends. I am trying to move on but everything has came with more obstacles than promised. If I do it soon, I hope it will all be worth it in the end. My concern is I am wrong about no afterlife. I do not know, maybe",Suicidal +13482,"In the last 24 hours I have taken 40 500mg paracetamol because I am just sick of myself and wanted to end everything. I feel fine at the minute, nothing has happened. What should I do? Do I just leave it. I weigh quite a lot so I do not expect anything to happen What will happen to me",Suicidal +11484,It does not matter if I have a good day. My trash excuse of a bf always tries to ruin it. I bring back $200 in crab for dinner and all the kids leave and he tells me how he cannot eat it playing 2k oh but he would have loved to eat some. So I am about to just throw it all in the trash and not even eat myself because Fuck it. Wish I could trade places with the damn crab Why try,Suicidal +18316,"Where I just avoid everything and sleep and stay inside in order to not trigger.But I do not hate it as much as I do not care.do not care about anything really.Whereas if I am active, then yes, I might take steps towards suicide, but at least I am doing something.The passive does not feel right, because that will not change anything, but I am also tired of trying and failing everything I hate passive suicidality",Suicidal +19759,"i just finished my last therapy appointment with this therapist. and all i get told is to read a fucking self help book and that maybe i should look into SSRIs. all i wanted was more frequency but unfortunately she was not able to do that. I cannot tell them i do not want to be alive because that i will be 5150, but if i do not then I am not a priority to be transferred. i cannot be tested for ADHD since i am diagnosed with depression. i feel like I am fucking so stupid. my rooms a complete mess, I am 21 with no sense of direction in life. and now this therapist is going to add trauma related ptsd to my fucking diagnostics. I am on super strict academic probation due failing so many classes, i have one more chance to not lose my FAFSA, and if i do i will have to drop out. i work in a fucking dead end retail job. what is the fucking point of all of this. my family and friends are great, why cannot i be? i love them but i do not know if it enough. i feel like i am wasting time. maybe i should end it now so my family can just grieve and get over me already. Finished my last therapy appointment",Suicidal +14582,"I want to die, but it is scary to do it myself. I want to die in my sleep . I even wished to God to die but I know He would not do that. So I think of wishing to a devil. But that does not seem possible too. :(",Suicidal +36174,now my heart wants to die too i ve been struggling with depression trauma and suicidal thoughts for years but honestly things havent been as painful as they are now i am here sitting alone and alienated confused depressed miserable helpless and alone and honestly at this point i just hate life,Suicidal +16068,"""Look at that poor homeless lonely man sleeping in the streets, he really do has real reasons to be mad and unhappy with life. Unlike you, Jared, who has had a great childhood and a pair of great parents who have cared about you and are still supporting you so you can be someone in life and a good contribution to society.""Someone told me this last day. I do not know you all but for me, at least, the fact I am not in a situation as bad as the one other people is having does not give less significance to my reasons of why I would like to kill myself. Just because I have not come to a worse scenario from the one I already am, does not mean anything to me (talking from my suicidal point of view). I am tired of being said: ""Why would you, someone who have had a great life and can be a successful person, chooses to run from it and kill yourself?""",Suicidal +22811,"Here is the thing about having an abscess: The pain is blinding. it is horrible. Apparently, I am told, it can kill you.So I call the Urgent Care, to ask for anti-biotics so I do not die.And there is the dilemma: They assume that you are a drug addict seeking opiates. So you get nothing. If you say, ""I do not want opiates, I want anti-biotics so I do not die,"" they assume *your abscess is not bad and you can wait.* Because if you had a bad abscess, you would be asking for painkillers. So if I ask for painkillers for my abscess, I get nothing. And if I ask for anti-biotics, it must not be real, so I get nothing.The message: FUCK OFF AND DIE, and THEN we will write you a prescription. we will write a prescription for your corpse. Prove it by dying. Because not errantly giving a painkiller prescription to a junkie *is more important than your fucking life.*That alone is a reason to kill yourself. No one cares about anyone. I am Human Garbage and I deserve to die",Suicidal +11210,I KEEP MESSING THINGS UP ALL DAY EVERY DAY THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT PEOPEL WILL HATE ME I WILL SAY TOO MUCH AND THEY WILL HATE ME THEY WILL ALWAYS DO FUCK YOU I FUCKIGN HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD WHY THE FUCK CAN I SOCIALIZE WITH PEOPLE,Suicidal +17766,"I feel very guilty. I have expressed my desire to end my life to my mom and I hate that I am putting her through this. I am going to seek help and try to stay alive. I have been poisoning myself with alcohol in order to speed up the process but it did not work. I am not going to end my life and put her through the grief. If there are any parents who have suicidal children or anybody who has personally experienced suicidal ideation, I want to hear from you. Thank you in advance Expressed my intent to kill myself to my mom and...",Suicidal +17643,"I am feeling very suicidal. I do not want to die, just end the pain. I am newly graduated from college and very miserable. I do not want my family to know because they will just judge me and tell me that life is not that hard. However, I have nobody. I am very young and want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me so I can get the help that I need and live my best life! The only way I feel I can keep myself safe for the next 24 hours is either wait until the morning to call my weed dealer (weed helps numb my emotional pain) or check myself into a psychiatric hospital as soon as possible! I only have state insurance. What are my options in the Milwaukee area? How can I check myself into a mental hospital without anyone knowing?",Suicidal +9065,"Dealing with so much pressure, grief, loss, stress. Feels like I am delaying the inevitable and causing myself more pain. I am stuck in lose-lose-lose. Every time i feel like this i try to give myself reasons, they seem to all be in vain, hopeless pipe dreams that i can never reach. Why do i allow this nonstop cycle to continue, i cannot stop it, i keep going on hating myself more for doing so. Who am i kidding",Suicidal +37652,Me knowing damn well that I will hate myself for taking a 7:30 but doing it anyways https://t.co/FRhjVbgkUw,Suicidal +14978,"Nothing gives me pleasure anymore in life. If it is music, playing games or whatever... I have achieved nothing in life, live by my parents with my asshole dad, i have no friend, no work, I am ugly and weird. I am just living in the day and I am tired of it. I hate everything, I am tired and bored",Suicidal +14703,"I really want to die, Everything in my life hurts me. I leave for college in a month and do not want to disappoint my mom but really am freaking out about going. All my friends are slowly fading away. Every girl I show interest in says we are too good of friends.every day is the same pointless shit that hurts me over and over again and I just cannot take it anymore. If my death would not hurt my mom so bad, I would have killed myself so many times and right now is one of those times.",Suicidal +9807,Would like to get back into cutting. cannot take the emotional pain anymore. Any advice how to get started? Cutting advice,Suicidal +26956,i want ti go to online school and not interect with Anyone why am i forced to be part of a society where i do not belong and which no one wants me in?,Suicidal +7804,"Things were better than good they were great. I spent 14 months, happy, for the first time in 29 years I actually had a happy period in my life, I was sorting stuff out, wed spoke of a future together, a family, Id been talking to a life counsellor and even became optimistic and started letting go of bad moments to keep my mind clear day to day.I drove over to hers after getting some good news that would enable our future, Id made up my mind where Id take her to propose next year, and then that was that. She did not see a future for us.I have barely slept or ate. I keep taking diphenhydramine to try to sleep but I am just taking more and more now to try and not have to deal with the mess inside my head, and still not sleeping. I am heartbroken, and I think this is leading back to the depression that plagued me before. I keep thinking I am soon to be 30, and I have nothing, no one. Everything in my life I have either pissed away or subconsciously ruined.I hate the person I see in the mirror.I keep thinking what is the point to carry on, but I do not even think I could manage going through with anything, let alone even talk to anyone about it - I just feel like I am pathetic for feeling like this. Slipped back to my old mentality",Suicidal +8133,"I know I am notMy ocd is awfulMy body dysmorphia is literally killing me I AM fat and ugly, my own boyfriend is secretly not attracted to me. I know it.I have no one to talk to because I am embarrassed about it.I talk to my boyfriend but he just gets mad.I know I do not want to kill myself but my mental illnesses do. I think I have post partum depression too still even though I am 5 months out I wonder what it Is like to be mentally healthyI wonder what it feels like to be wantedIt hurts so much and I am pathetic because others have it so much worse I feel so alone",Suicidal +8559,I am 18 and lost a Binance account with thousands of dollar in it and cannot recover it I do not even feel comfortable home when all my dad talks to me about is the account. I really have no clue as to what to do I already told him I cannot recover tried with their customer support hundreds of time probably by now and nothing. Me being a US User and Binance being banned here does not help neither. But yea there is no way I can recover all that money in a short time. What can I do?,Suicidal +8349,"I know it hurts so why do I want to do it over and over again. And more importantly, how the FUCK do I stop this feeling.. please help. I could not find he correct sub I am sorry. Could someone please tell me why, every single night, I want to cut myself again?",Suicidal +20749,"I am starting to get concerned for myself because I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Couple months and it keeps poking its little head out as a possibility. I have never taken it seriously but I am worried it is actually ""have not taken it seriously YET"" What are some red flags to look out for someone who may attempt to commit suicide? Or is heading toward that direction? I have got a pornogrpahy addiction that I hate and I missed all the red flags that led to that addiction. Trying to be more proactive about something potentially much more dire. Suicide Red Flags",Suicidal +18291,"I just want to end my life, but I am too cowardly to do it. I know my death will upset the few who claim they still care about me, but existing is so fucking painful. I really do not want to go on, I can feel the fear of going through with it slowly starting to disappear, because I am so beat up by life it is looking like the only viable option left. I almost went through with it on Tuesday morning, while my partner was at work. I had the pills in my hand and everything, but I just... could not do it.It started getting really bad around February of this year, when I randomly started reliving some past traumas from my youth. I was drugged and raped when I was 17, on top of that add a shitty upbringing from people who were supposed to protect me and an even shittier school life, where I was mercilessly bullied by my peers. I have always not been great at speaking to people or expressing my emotions, so I always come off as awkward and weird. It really enrages me when people who used to give me a hard time say ""ah, it was just harmless teasing"". I am now 35 and that shit NEVER leaves you. Then we have the emotional vampires in my family who need me to drop everything and help them with a problem, but when it is time to return the favour, there is nothing but silence. I am currently receiving therapy but it is just not working. The only thoughts that bring me relief is the thought that if I killed myself, everything will be over and I can finally find the peace of mind I have been searching for, for so long now I think the next time I am on my own. I am going to do it. I do not belong anywhere",Suicidal +9046,"I think I really just have like 3 more bad days left in me, then I am going to throw in the towel, I am just so fucking exhausted. I know its stupid to assume it will get better on its own, but fuck it I cannot do anything else.I just hope you all know that I really did try, every day. Few days left in me",Suicidal +23526,"Everything has caught up with me and the good in life is behind me i did not want to turn out this much of a self obsessed little fucking narcissist but every day I am just fucking scraping against the world and I am so tired of it fucking hurting so much, I have overdrawn everyone in my life already and who wants to hear yet another of my tantrums I just want everything to stop I wish I could go back and make it different I am so sick of going out into the world and pretending but i already burned through all my money last time i was a fucking baby who was boo hoo too depressed to work i do not see what the point of a self preservation instinct is, even if there is still good ahead the world is ending right? Why bother hurting? In the long run they will be better off without me and I know they will see it too Everything has caught up",Suicidal +12484,Me and many others want me dead. Not everyone but more people than not. Why should not I? If more people want me dead than alive would not it make sense?,Suicidal +16609,"Like, i feel so exhausted. I am barely able to hold on. I do not even have an energy to seek help (not like I have any kind of help available, but still). I barely can go through one day in my work to another. I want to die so badly, but I am afraid of fucking shit up even more. Idk just needed to vent I feel like I cannot even function anymore",Suicidal +22400,i cannot cope with the fact my mum is ill and does not want me to get help it makes me feel so guilty when ik exactly what i need i just cannot anymore i honestly just want to die,Suicidal +7847,"I do not want to die. I just want the pain to stop. Today is our 7 year official dating anniversary and 6 years ago we got engaged. Then on September 10, 2014 we got married. All of these dates hold so much meaning to me. Last night I was pleading with the universe, God, anybody to just stop my heart from beating. I am in so much pain.Tonight he will be spending the night and rest of the weekend at his boyfriends place (he left me for him). I will be here at this big empty house alone.I really do not think I am going to get through this. Today is hard",Suicidal +14647,"Not me. I say that is what makes life a piece of shit.The constant suffering and hardship on every front, and inside me every day, make life a train wreck that I did not sign up for.And I want out. Some people say they love life's challenges...",Suicidal +22010,"cannot stop thinking about ways to do it The bridges here are not high enough, the drugs available would take days and I doubt I could withstand the pain without calling for help, blades do not do it fast enough without getting a moment of silly regret and calling for help. Nothing solid or strong enough to throw a noose to, no access to guns. I am so tired. How can I find a method that would work? Traveling to a spot where trains go fast? I should probably give away the expensive stuff. cannot take shit with me. Just done with all I guess",Suicidal +22695,"I know this might not matter, but I have no where else to spill my thoughts. I am empty. I am lost. I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like the she will of what I once was. I used to love music, games, reading, running, and all things that make me human. For the past month, I have done none of that. I have laid here and have no energy to do anything at all. Yesterday, however, has changed all of it. I spent time with a family (not my family). They were wonderful people and had the most positive demeanor I have felt in ages. Once I returned home, I realized I will never have that in my life. I feel even worse than what I used to. I feel the need to talk to someone, but I get the feeling no one cares. I refuse to call the suicide hotline because they just throw me in the mental clinics, and I do not know about anyone else, but those places are hell. If you read this, thank you so much for listening, it truly means more than you can imagine. do not know if Ill attempt or not, but this felt good to let out. Lost",Suicidal +20952,I have cut my wrists a lot throughout my life but they were never deep cuts and I was never really trying to kill myself though I knew there was a chance it would kill me... would that be considered as an attempt or no? What counts as an attempt?,Suicidal +7534,"I have been having suicidal ideation nearly every day for the past few years and the older I get, the worse it gets. At this point killing myself feels inevitable. I am taking a break from school and my student loans will be due soon which has been making me feel like I have to just do it. My parents took out tens of thousands in parent loans as well and considering I do not have a degree or a well paying job there is no way I could possibly help to pay it back. And how could I ask them to pay for that when they already are only just scraping by? Killing myself has always felt like the way things will end for me as I have a lot of trouble connecting with people and I really do not want to be alone for another fifty plus years. That being said, it has always felt far away. So now with my student loans looming I feel like its probably coming to be time and its freaking me out a bit to be honest. I have no one to discuss this with (my mom yelled at me when I had tried to discuss this with her a few years ago) so I just needed to write this and put it somewhere. Sorry if I have broken any rules of this sub I have never been here before. feels inevitable at this point",Suicidal +12973,"I cannot burden anyone in my life with the reality of how I am doing. I have before, and they do not help-- it hurts them, and they hurt me trying to make it better. If I cannot do this, I do not want anyone going 'well shit, she called me and I did not answer. This is somehow my fault. ' I do not have a lot of friends or much family but they are good people. I know that they love me but I cannot understand why. Feels like I fooled them into overlooking my flaws somehow. I have tried so hard to she would the 20 years of trauma, but I just do not think that is a doable thing. I did all the things I was supposed to do to feel better and I just do not. I am mentally ill. I have such a hard time admitting that, but even living the healthiest lifestyle possible, I am sad and crazy and scared and straight up not having a good time. My full symptoms are not relatable to many people, and it is hard to get people to understand how hard I am trying when I am coming up short. This is my declaration: I cannot do this anymore. Fuck everything I have been working towards. I feel like I am on fire. Just existing is a big ask right now, but I will try a little longer. Fuck it, right? I do not want my dad to cry. Fuck it",Suicidal +22136,and i hate it. i could be so happy for once and just to have it ruined over something so minuscule. it ruins my motivation to live. feeling suicidal over the smallest things,Suicidal +12294,It is torture Staying alive for others is hard,Suicidal +18289,"(apologies for possible grammatical errors, I am not a native english speaker)after years of begging to go to therapy i finally did yesterday! i have been struggling with symptoms of adhd (all of them) and it is been effecting my life and school work really badly, so i convinced mom that i should get tested for it and get treatment so i could get into the college she wants me to go to.well turns out, I am not the one who answers the questions on the test(because I am ""a child"" but I am actually 17), but my mother who always dismisses my struggles and does not know anything about me at all!! so naturally the results came out as in ""might have had symptoms as a child, is okay now"" and now my mom is saying that i made a fuss for nothing and i better stop being lazy and study hard for the stupid fucking college. why am i posting this on suicide watch? well it is because I am fucking done with this shit. throughout all my life I have been struggling and nobody ever believed me to the point i stopped believing myself. and I am done! i do not want to go through this anymore. i attempted suicide once and thankfully mom did not even find out, i hope this time it actually works! I am just scared if it did not work I would have to handle her screaming at me and saying that I am selfish for trying to kill myself and not thinking about her. so yeah I am so tired because I am in genuine pain and even the adults who were supposed to help did not even ask *me* about my struggles, nobody actually gives a shit about me and it would not make a difference if i were dead! i have some rope and i might just give everyone a rest tonight. there is no other way out i guess",Suicidal +20605,"All I do is go through the motions. Everything feels like a chore, even the things I used to enjoy.I ruined my life. I hate myself. No one will ever love me again. Life is not worth living when you have to do it alone.I am just stuck here to look after my dogs, but even they do not bring me joy.I have no hope left. I do not know how much longer I can do this.",Suicidal +12459,"I met the love of my life 5 years ago. We broke up months ago. Now I cannot live anymore. I tried for months to get over, find new people etc. But the mind synergy that we had is impossible to find. She says she still loves but cannot get back because we hurted each other so bad. She feels stuck with me and want to live. The truth is I cannot live without her and I do not want to to be a burden. So I decided that my time has come. I think Sunday will be the day The only way out",Suicidal +36141,"@homerunderbyemo,,Just checked out that Homerun Derby EP, it SLAPS https://t.co/lrHB1FDz6t",Suicidal +15569,"And desperate. And stupid. And failure. I am disgust with myself that I beg strangers on reddit to help me and support me and I share my thoughts with them. I hate me because my life depends on the answers I will receive here and I feel so humiliated by getting ignored and with how much I exposed myself. What a bunch of strangers can do anyway? My own people do not care about me anymore so why people who do not know me do it? Probably I do the same everyday, I ignore so many people who need help. The world is cruel and even if someone has good identions and wants to give you an advice what is the point really? They cannot change your life and your feelings. You can feel good for some minutes because someone says thst feels sooty for you but that is it. In the end you are alone. Nobody in real life cared to help you settle your life, find a job, support, love etc when you were alive but the moment they will see you in the casket suddenly they will feel so guilty that did not helped you. How ironic is that.I feel so sad about my life but also I feel sad thinking how many people were alone and vulnerable and desperate the moment they commit. Many of them they were good people, with potentials, they were never harm anyone, they were willing to help others and they had so much love to give. Maybe they were too good for this world. I do not know if I am like them but it is clear to me that sensitive people cannot survive in this world. If I was able to tell lies, if I was not so responsible and did not overanalyzing things, if I was more selfish my life would be good. The world is unfair and harsh and you must be the same to survive. Romantic, sensitive and emotional people do not have a place here. Be polite, nice, generous and resoectful to others is pointless.I wish I could change me, I hate me. Sometimes I think I am better, I am special and I get angry because I think I deserve more but that is just an outburst the truth is that I despise me. I suffered a lot it is time to rest. There is no point to stay alive just because I cannot commit. This is not a life. I feel very vulnerable right now",Suicidal +11597,i want to keep going but know i should not so i want to talk to someone while i wait for it to stop bleeding so i do not do more just self harmed and want to talk to someone while i wait for the bleeding to stop,Suicidal +23085,Took an overdose yesterday and went to hospital. The pills did not really do anything.. that is too bad. I should be dead right now. I survived.,Suicidal +12814,"I am not sure what to say, I am sure there are people here dealing with way more than I am. I have been having so many suicidal thoughts over the past month. My best friend moved to another province. I do not really have a lot of friends I can confide in. The few friends I can confide in I do not want to bother them. I am not hysterical... but I just do not want to be here anymore. I feel like life just is not for me anymore. I go to counseling, I take meds (I am bad at being consistent). It all seems like its in vain. I tried to cut my carotid artery this past Friday but the box cutter blade was stupid dull so I stoped (I was definitely hysterical that day). I am just so tired of it all. Extremely Lonely",Suicidal +9304,"Previously I had a plan to wait 28 days, which i posted here. As things escalate in tension at home, I am wondering if i can even make it to next month. I am having impulses to end it all today. update no. 1",Suicidal +26675,I want to kill myself but I do not want to hurt my family and I have a one year old daughter. I am so depressed and my husband wants a divorce. :/,Suicidal +21602,So now I am stuck on cellular and cannot do anything all weekend w my friends. I want to kill myself. My stomach makes me feel so disgusted and I do not know what is wrong with me. I want to shove my head into a blender. Shits rough My fucking wifi went out,Suicidal +10510,"It all feels so dark right now, not even for lack of hope. I have so many things to look forward to.But none of it seems worthwhile, I feel so isolated and alone. I am scared, and tired, and uninspired. I just want to disappear.I do not know how to say I am struggling again. I do not Know How to Tell My Loved Ones I am Suicidal Again",Suicidal +18429,I always try to seem happy around others but when I am alone I just want to end it all. Just help,Suicidal +14014,"I slit my right thigh four times with a knife and I have been shaking and trying not to cry for the past 30 minutes, because my mom might be going to jail soon I am only 14 and I cannot cope with this kind of pressure. I just need to talk to good people.",Suicidal +7087,"All it takes is any small thing to trigger me into suicidal me. Can I please talk to someone, I need a friend. I hate how I go from 100 feeling amazing, to wanting to blow my brains out in seconds",Suicidal +24490,"to preface this, I am disabled and my only access to the outside world is the internet, so I am sure my view of reality is probably a bit skewed. does anyone know if it is actually like this or is it just on the internet? i really hope it is just the internet.i see so much hate on men and white people. even when i try to avoid toxic sites (ironic since I am on reddit), it still pops up. i see it in chats in game, in people's bios, it is inescapable unless i completely cut myself off from the only distraction i have. why is this ok? why does our society allow racism and sexism so long as it is against the right people? people want me dead because of my race and gender. people think my thoughts and opinions are worthless because of my race and gender. i just hate feeling like i have nowhere to go, nowhere that is safe, because i cannot escape this unless i move somewhere that is not part of western society. everywhere i look in mainstream media, people like me are mocked and ridiculed. i do not want to live like this, in a world that hates me and treats me like I am evil for being born a certain way. if they want me dead, they can have me dead. I am not strong enough.sorry mods, i do not know if this is too political or something, but i have nowhere else to go. i feel like society hates people like me and i cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +24586,"I feel like I have nowhere to go, I feel uncomfortable everywhere. At my house or outside, alone or with people, it is all the same: I am always uneasy, out of place, wanting to go somewhere else. I hate all the places where I exist.here is my problem: I cannot be happy no matter what I do. I want to put myself out there, try new things, be with other human beings and I just cannot bring myself to do it. I do not have it in me to survive, to keep going. I am a little weaker every day.I try to stay alive but is there really a reason to? Everything that used to make me happy now makes me sad. All the things I used to love are gone. I feel so alone. I just want friends and a hug but I cannot get it and it breaks my heart.Recently my friend's sister killed herself and I have been thinking a lot about suicide. Losing strength",Suicidal +24623,"First off, I am not going to do anything. So, no one has to worry. So, do you hear that my reddit stalker that scared the shit out of me four years ago? You do not have to worry and take screenshots of anything this time! I figured that I would get some kind of fast response here. I was sexually assaulted twice last year and I am not handling the trauma of it well at all, somedays. Today seems to be one of those days. Looking for an ear.",Suicidal +14542,he is not going to come back and I am losing hope rapidly. i think it is time then. i did not plan this but i guess that is that realization,Suicidal +20127,I am depressed.I hate myself.I hate my life.I hate being multiple. Or whatever the fuck I am. Maybe I am just delusional or subconsciously making it up.I hate ADD.I hate PTSD.I hate feeling like a monster.I hate OCD.I hate intrusive thoughts.I hate being paranoid.I hate having no friends.I hate not feeling safe.I hate remembering.I hate not remembering.I hate it all.I want to die. I am so unwell,Suicidal +37505,Cookie Dough is like “hey don’t eat me raw I could make you sick” not realizing that I’ve been ready to die for things I liked less.,Suicidal +17644,"there is just so much to say..I was one of those people who would try to help all those here, and on various other suicidal subreddits. I would tell them to hang in there, and try to count their blessings, when did I change? When did I get so filled up with sadness and loneliness?My heart, it is this huge hole, it keeps growing bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. I am always on the edge, like the tears would fall out any moment. I do not have any friends irl, my parents do not allow me on socials, so being here is actually me desperately trying to find friends. Some of them are begging me to find therapy, and they keep asking people advice for a depressed friend. it is a label now, I am depressed. And I hate that, I hate how I cannot be happy even though I am so good at pretending to be. I feel like I am annoying people, being a burden to them, making their lives miserable. My parents think I am destroying them by being rebellious, not eating and stuff, they say I want to die, like it is my fault if I do want to. I know they love me, but they have stopped appreciating me, completely. I tried to tell them I am lonely, like 4 times, and they taunted me saying that why do I need anyone in my life. Why? Because I cannot control my thoughts, they haunt me, traumatise me.I recently (4 months ago) had my first break up, and it has left me in shattered pieces. I loved him so much. he is now dating, and I am having these sharp pains in my chest, I am nauseous all day, my entire body aches, my hormones are all over the place. I have even started to get nightmares where he would kill me, stab me over and over again, and hug me, telling me it will be alright.I cannot bear the pain anymore. I tried to use online therapy since my parents will not allow actual professional help, and I chickened out. I am just so scared if they will find out, and god knows what will happen then. I am not even sure if I should post this...I feel like I am whining for no reason at all I do not want to die, I am so scared, I am scared of everything",Suicidal +26442,"I am fucking stupid, I want to kill myself but I have death anxiety. That means I do not want to kill myself.Wtf is wrong with me? How to get rid of death anxiety? Thank you so much. Death anxiety.",Suicidal +13655,"I used to have a link to a page where you can talk to someone about your issues when you felt like this but it is been a while since I used it and I cannot find it, i google it and the ones that were free got me no responseMy issues are not big at all, i do not even know why I feel this way i have it pretty good tbh, but I do not have anyone to talk to that I know of at thus hour, and I am embarrassed to talk to someone who I am not close to face to face, i want it to be anonymous, and I am broke.If anyone has something like this please let me know as soon as possible, i used to have self harm issues and i do not want to go back to that shit. Does someone has a link/app/page where I can talk to someone about shit like suicide prevention or whatever",Suicidal +13884,"No I am not doing okay and have not been for a while now. I have been feeling so detached from the world and I have no one. I wish I had family. I wish I was okay. I wish I could be like everyone else.Instead I sit here and fantasize my death every single day.Jumping off the bridge into On going traffic on the freeway or stealing J*****as or G**es gun and shooting myself. Who I do and do not want at my funeral and sometimes thinking I do not even want one at all because I feel like Donna and Barry and Noah would ruin it and make it about them.I have no purpose.I am tired.More then tired more then exhausted.I have been a dead man walking for a long long time now.I am tired of waking up in the morning and feeling okay and then it wearing off so easily.I cannot handle little things that because distress it sets me off.And yes I am medicated and I still feel this way. Sober, not sober, medicated and what ever.I feel unfixable.I AM a burden and an obligation for others.I have no one. Have I mentioned that.I fantasize what it would be like to die so many different ways more then I can fantasize anything good.I will not take on any responsibilities because I do not want to leave anyone hanging that is how unstable I have felt for a long time now. How unstable I am feeling. I do not want to take on anymore bills and then end up killing myself and leaving someone hanging with my end of the bills or debt..I wanted to sell my car and go to California for a bit so I could have my last hurrah.. but selling the car had not worked out..I just want to give all my stuff away and slowly disappear without word.. I want people to think I am on a trip that I never come back from.. eventually they will hear that I am dead.I do not want to be anywhere.I always ask myself.Is being dead like being asleep with no Dreams ? Or is it when everyone goes to the place they believe in ? And if it is everyone going to a place that they believe in then I have no idea where I will go.. I never got the chance to believe in my own universe.I am sitting at a park while someone is waiting on me to hang with them.But I do not want to talk to anyone or be anywhere at all.I am not okay but it is nothing a stupid hospital or meds can fix.How about you ? Are you okay ? Are you okay ?",Suicidal +36044,My life is miserable,Suicidal +17236,"So last weekend I was feeling sad and I tried to end my life but taking 30x 40mg Clarus, 30x 10mg Clarus, 7 25mg Adderall and about 20x caffeine pills. After I took those pills I realized I did a mistake so I made myself vomit multiple time. I had big headache for the new few days but after that is its been tolerable. The problem is since I took all these pills I been feeling extremely tired all days. I am debating going to the hospital as I cannot say its an accident since the dose is that big. Failed an Overdose last weekend and debating if I should go to the hospital.",Suicidal +18916,What are the pros and cons of helium? Helium,Suicidal +7456,"So I am in my 30s CPTSD pretty much every single symptom of thatChildhood neglect childhood abuse be molested as a kid and they grew up to be raped and physically abused and drugged I have been beat up by a boyfriend all that crap.So here I am I told my mom last week that I am not going to make it to the end of the year. I am not getting the proper help I can only see counsellor once a week and her advice for that was to find a psychologist that she would pay for once a month..... Last time I was in the hospital they said my CPTSD is critical and I need like the life saving help.So last week told my mom I need something more something impatient something where I can actually heal if you forgive me the right treatment. Her advice was basically stopped being a little bitch and just go back to the 24-hour hold.Then I called her 30 days ago and said I cannot fucking do this I am going to kill myself and I do not want to but I need like intense intervention right now or I am going to lose my fight.Her response was I do not know what to do but should I call the police on you......Now 2 days after which is now today, she calls me and leaves a voicemail cuz I was on the phone with two other lines already like one was I was on hold and the other one was actively like having a conversation. She send s this sulky guilt trippy fake I care about you I really need to know how you are doing' So I actually tried to call back because there is not maybe she wanted to finally help me. 6 hours later she finally picks up and says you know I have friends and people and places to be You do not need to be calling me all the time. And I said yeah like always there is always something before me. And then I told her I figured out the trip that she takes quite often is hours shorter than a drive to me..... So why have not you showed up.She says I do not have an answer I cannot talk to you right now you are always being an hassle and hung upSo in case I was not feeling it desperate as soon as I am before...... I just I got you kitten thinking it could be something to look for. But I am dying I cannot feel it I have not done anything that I just.. You know when your time is coming and I am trying my best to hold on but everybody pries my fingers off. I just need to figure out who I give trust with my cat because she deserves the best and then my time's up Times almost up",Suicidal +27293,"I am planning to kms soon, idk if I will pull through with it bc I am a fucking pussy but I already have more or less of a plan. Fuck this.",Suicidal +20056,"I could post a rant here about how shitty my life is and how shitty the world is but i cannot even motivate myself to do that anymore. No one responds anyway and that is fine. We must all come to our own unique conclusions. What a lonely life it is here on this planet! Here on the fabled golden west coast! I am ready to transcend to my next reality, surely nothing can defeat the misery of this lifetime. To whatever higher power exists beyond, I pray for you to take me tonight even in my youth and prime physical health. Stop my beating heart by any means and free me from this never ending hell. I cannot watch my abilities deteriorate any longer. Writing and words once my vehicle of expression and now a source of agony as I in sobriety notice the effect the drugs had on me. I no longer emanate the rich vocabulary of a scholar but that of an insane idiot. And all of the sudden something as simple as a college degree so out of reach.. please take me. I am done. End of my rope",Suicidal +36329,please somebody come fucking kill me im so in LOVE!!!!! https://t.co/e13ilxL9XJ,Suicidal +15781,And I am not sacrificing my entire existance on this planet to work. Its so expensive to live we might as well just die,Suicidal +7521,"it is been along time and i have litterally been seconds away from killing myself, but... yeah i want to thank all of my friends for trying to support me but... i guess this is my suicide note. I am going to write one right now on a piece of paper and... yeah I am ending my life. Fuck man. Goodbye.",Suicidal +9925,"I am in my 20s, have a great job, university degree, goals for the future, beautiful fiancee, but I am afraid.I am scared that it will all be for nothing once I die. Like, what is the point if it will just disappear in the end? I am so attached to what I have now that I am afraid to be without it after I die. I am a paramedic, and I see death sometimes. It hurts me the most to imagine how loved ones must feel when they lose somebody close to them. The thought of losing my partner, or leaving her without me absolutely crushes me. My parents are getting very old and sick, and I have never felt loss anything like what I imagine it will feel like when they go.I guess I am just really afraid of dying and losing everything I have worked towards. I do not know what happens after death, I am not religious. I hope I do not just lose all consciousness of everything that happened in my life because I want to love those close to me forever, even after I die. I am afraid that everything in my life will just be a waste",Suicidal +25411,"I am freaking out I can barely breathe, I cannot calm down or cope I cannot breathe",Suicidal +20078,"I have been depressed for 3+years nothing I do works it only makes it worse I think about suicide every day and I cannot really talk about it but I say is that can never do anything right the only thing that I know emotion wise is sadness,anger,fear I do not even know who I am anymore on one cares about me my life is pointless so why should not I kill myself Why should not I kill myself",Suicidal +14177,"I wake up everyday with this sense of impending doom and then I lay there for a few hours until my housemates, who I avoid completely since I have lived here have left the house, then I creep out of my room to get some food then scurry back in before anyone gets home. I occasionally go out to buy food/toiletries but that is getting less and less these days. This is my life. I do not have a job, I do not want a job, have not worked in over a year. I do not enjoy anything anymore, feels like years now. I do not know what to do.. I have always felt hollow if I am honest and it only gets worse as I get closer to death. What the fuck am I waiting for I do not know what to do with myself",Suicidal +37264,i did something on the 2 of october i overdosed i just felt so alone and horrible i was in hospital for two days now when i walk down the hallways of my school they always look at me weird and say i should take more pills and i hate it i have no one i have this voice in my head now and it wont go away and i cant be myself anymore thanks for reading,Suicidal +8621,"i have been feeling intense physical symptoms because of depression. i cannot tell if gravity has gotten stronger or if my body just got heavier. also i feel dizzy and i am dissociating most of the time i am awake. i am very lonely most days and when i am not i am with people who make me feel way worse (most of them, the only one that does not i am not close to). I am not accident yet but i have been through a lot of shit and all the trauma has rendered me useless. i feel pathetic and i had my fair share of near death experiences in the past but i think i want to try again, i consider it everyday but some days it is way more desirable. I am sure no one would care. my life is falling apart and i have no one to trust through anything so what is the point. people generally dislike me because i am socially inept (i do not try to be rude and i do not think i am but i have a hard time communicating with people because of anxiety), and I am ugly. there are too many things i wish i could do but i cannot because i have limited resources and energy for that matter. yet at the same time i have no real goal in life anymore. i think i did at one point but the more i go through the less i care. i have intense paranoia because my parents in the past have invaded my privacy alot so i only have reddit. the paranoia is killing me and i feel like i cannot do anything without precautions. i could keep going for ages about the pathetic state of my life but there is always going to be something is that are unsaid so there is no point. idk. i just want to start planning again on ending it all because nothing is working. feeling gross and miserable, cannot think of a better title.",Suicidal +25878,"I am going to end up in hell anyway. And those bully would probably going to find new victim after I die, and make their life miserable as mine. If I am going to kms I should just bring them together with me in hell. At least no one should suffer like me If I am going to kms, I should just take them away with me right?",Suicidal +26146,I am 22 and I have been so unlucky in love I have become desperate and depressed I am seeing a therapist but it hurts so much to be alone when all of my friends are finding gfs and have some experience I have never even been alone with a girl before and it fucking hurts idk how much longer I can take it before I end it all I just want to feel a womans touch I cannot handle this loneliness anymore,Suicidal +19646,"A person from a trans related subeddit let me know about this place and I just really have to talk about this thing that I do not fully understand myself. I never knew gender dysphoria could because suicidal thoughts before but recently it has come to that. Now more than ever my gender dysphoria is getting more and more overwhelming, I have been self harm free for about six months and its so hard to stop myself from grabbing the lighter and ruining everything.I have never felt this bad before and it hurts so much, every time I look at myself, I see a boy, but everyone else sees a girl. I cannot even come out because my dad would kick me out for much longer than just one night, but it hurts pretending to be something I am not for my family. The only way I can think of getting out of this hellhole is by death, I keep having this dream where I kill myself and I do not know why it just makes me feel happy until I wake up and I realize I am still sucking oxygen. I do not know what to put here",Suicidal +9107,"I literally cannot live without him. If I were stuck with myself, by myself I will not make it. I am a complete mess and I cannot handle myself. I do not want to. I need him, he keeps me somewhat sane and sober. Without him I do not want to live. I know because when he almost broke up with me I was just about to jump out the window before he caught me. That was almost the end if he had not saved me. I am really scared. I am a horrible mess who in their right mind will stay with me. And when he does leave me it is over. I am scared. Can anyone relate? When my boyfriend is going to leave me I will kill myself",Suicidal +10861,I want to have the will to live so badly. So badly it hurts. Recently all I have been thinking about is buying as much dihydrocodeine as i can and washing them down with a bottle of alcohol and just sit on the slide next to my house. If i survive ill go on if i do not well thank fuck. The reason i want to live is literally for my parents and sister. The damage it would because them would probably kill them. They would blame themselves. But the truth is its me. Its my fault. I am the reason i am he way i am. Its unfair on them that i do not want any of this. I wish my family just did not want me or hated me or fucking something so i knew it would not kill them. But knowing they love me makes it impossible to go without thinking about what would happen to them. I wish i could just be normal. I wish i could just find the concept of life even slightly enticing. Just a little so i could have the will to chase a life that i would like. But i do not want it. All I have been thinking about is suicide for so long. I think I am going to try and see what happens. Ill roll the dice. Its not fait on my parents,Suicidal +37477,"@theschwasound @feraljokes @BethLynch2020 Fuck, somebody come kill me please.",Suicidal +20769,"i realised last night that I have been inherently and subconsciously faking being ""mentally ill"" for seven years now. I am 17, this started when i was 10. when i was 10 years old i began to completely romanticise depression and self harm thanks to the internet and emo music, i thought it was cool. i was really lonely because my friends were leaving me out, and i got sexually assaulted that same year (nothing bad, i was not hurt or raped but it has affected me a little bit i guess) so i guess i pretended to be depressed as a cry for help. then when i was 11 i was bullied for a year by those same friends, and it really hurt because i was so attached to one of them. during that year i self diagnosed myself with schizophrenia because i thought it was cool. i was experiencing genuine depression and suicidal thoughts but i was really.. public and attention seeking about it online, like i would post about being depressed on forums and stuff. then in 2016 i was still running with the depressed thing, and this time i thought i had bpd because i was obsessed with and stalking an online friend who groomed me (this obsession lasted two years). i was starting to get into my actual emo phase then, when i was 12, which I am still in today tbh lol.but 2017 was my worst year for being suicidal, like genuinely. i self harmed a lot and still romanticised my depression. all of my irl friends did it, too, it was a horrible group of glorifying self harm and being sad and stuff. i would cut myself and ""sneakily"" put my bloody arm up right in front of a friend so they would get concerned. it was stupid but admittedly a really painful year mentally, i totally hated myself because of what my friends who bullied me had said lol.2018 was my rebellious phase. i started getting into grunge music, idolising underweight men and becoming disordered with my eating habits, becoming obsessed with drugs and being cool and being impulsive, so i got a stick and poke tattoo and would sneak out regularly with friends and stuff. then in early 2019 we got caught drinking cough syrup lol, so i learnt my lesson and never again. 2019 was my first year of real isolation. i moved away to a different school and was on my own a lot, and when i was not i was smoking weed and cigarettes and partying with old irl friends. i really fucked up though, because the weed led me to dissociating extremely heavily for a long time, and i heavily believed in solipsism (which is the philosophical belief that you are the only being to exist). i also became obsessed with school shooters, specifically dylan klebold, and heavily idolised him up until this year tbh. i dealt with feelings of being nonhuman and not real but i also had really bad social anxiety so the dissociation was just to cope lol. went to therapy and got over the anxiety rather quickly.2020, it was still school shooters but then i fell in love with my best friend and became convinced i had bpd again. we actually dated on and off a few times that year but it was horrible, we were horrible for each other and i was genuinely abusive to a lot of people and i went through a lot of pain. in october she broke up with me and i full on developed anorexia, which I am still struggling with now but am in therapy for. 2021, now up until recently i believed i had adhd because I have shown a lot of symptoms since i was a child, and bipolar disorder, and npd (but i have genuinely shown narcissistic traits since i was 14). i also let myself get groomed again but I am out of the relationship now. I have gone to attempt suicide twice this year (except i pussy out and get help) and this has been the first time my parents have learnt about my struggles with ""mental illness"" (i do not mean to dismiss anyone's struggles, just my own haha). they are fine about it and supportive and getting me help but last night i realised none of it matters because I have been faking it the entire fucking time. there is never been anything wrong with me, I have just been very good at convincing myself. it all comes from a need for love and attention and approval I have had for as long as i remember, which is like, five. i pretended to be narcissistic and love myself because i have crippingly low self esteem and a need for control. but now i do not know what to do, i do not know how to unlearn these behaviours I have ingrained in my psyche. i feel really upset when i think about not being like this but i do not know what I am trying to achieve. my sense of self is literally completely gone now, it is so embarrassing.tl;dr i need help because i realised all of my ""mental illness"" is because i began romanticising depression when i was ten years old; I am 17 now. over the years I have developed a smorgasbord of ""symptoms"" from mental illnesses I have completely convinced myself that i have, but now i know none of it is real, i do not know how to unlearn them and quite frankly I am terrified to be truly myself and be happy. these symptoms have ingrained themselves into my being and without being ""mentally ill"" i literally do not know who i am. it is making me anxious and distressed and extremely suicidal. i do not know what to do from here or where to turn. realised I have been faking my whole life and I am terrified",Suicidal +7682,"I am ready to give up and as the title says nothing seems to help me anymore. Honestly I have been struggling for so long I do not even know why I have not killed myself already. I have no outlet, no one to fucking talk to that seems to get it. I just want someone not to judge me for once. I feel like such a freak for the smallest of things and I do not know how to let it out anymore....I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over again and yet I have no one to let vent to or let out all this frustration and to truly tell how much of a worthless piece of shit I feel likeGod I am so lonely, lonely and tired and yet I cannot even get a God damns night rest anymore. I wish I was not such a fuckinf coward so I could just do the deed and kill myself already..... Nothing helps me anymore",Suicidal +14662,"So yeah, I do not know any of you but, I feel like i got to tell someone at least. I lost my best friend recently due to a miscommunication, and I really do not have anyone else. I have a family, but ever since I came out as trans, things have been rocky. I am not very scared anymore about ending it all, feels nice thinking about it. I lost my job due to covid, still been trying to finda notehr one ever sicne, I have had chronic headaches that would not go away unless i took 6 aspirins a day. I know I am not perfect, and putting everyone and everything above meis annoying and discouraging for others. I am 30 y/o andI have nothing to look forward to, never had. Finally going through with it after years of thinking about it",Suicidal +7174,"I do not know a lot about guns, but my mom has a Taurus spectrum 380. If I shot myself in the head with that, would it work? Also what position of the gun is best for hitting the brain stem? Will this gun work?",Suicidal +8833,"Some of you fuckers will probably try to take that away from me but now that I can afford a gun I will be set free soon. If society wants to keep taking from me without giving anything back, then they will reap what they sow Finally at peace knowing my death is coming",Suicidal +9510,"So I know suicidal feelings are probably the result of trauma and modern life, capitalism sucks, but most definitely a parent making you feel like you do not deserve your existence and it is definitely my case, but being aware of it does not solve anything. I feel unable to heal. I feel like I cannot move on. I feel like I am tired. I cannot go on. I am too young to be living on my own. I want my dad to tell me he loves me but I pushed him away. I want to play with his Xbox. I want to hang out with him. I want him to help me pay a doctor and help me figure out what is going on inside my mind because my mom abused me so bad. I want to go running with him. But I cannot because I ruined our relationship and I cannot fix it, and I am afraid to fix it. I want my ex to hold me but I pushed him away too. I want to never have hurt important friends in my life, but it is too late. I want to become better at singing but I cannot bring myself to be disciplined enough to practice. I want to workout but I do not feel like it. I want to be good at my job but I am always fucking up when my boss is present and she thinks I am mediocre. I want to be okay but I do not feel ready to be okay. I am not used to the absence of caos. I feel like trying to get better is a trap. I feel like my mother's abuse started from the moment she decided to conceive me and killing myself would be actually rebelling against her because maybe the fact that I am still here, suffering, without justice for what she did to me, is exactly what she wants, but I cannot stop feeling so much pain in my soul. I am too tired. I cannot go on. I cannot do this. I want out. I cannot be fixed",Suicidal +13578,"Why I am like this. Just why. I am lazy and I spend my days doing nothing productive. I am extremely selfish. I am stupid. I hate myself so much that I beat myself causing me pain whenever I do a mistake even in video-games which are my escape from reality.I hate my family. They are a bunch of know-it-all jerks. My sisters are like ""try to make more friendships IRL, it is easy!"" as it they were me in the first place, plus many of their friendships are plain terrible. I may have had less friends than them, but at least none of them harmed me as much as their friends harmed them. In recent months I realized that up to when I became eight years old my parents and my older sister were abusive towards me and they are acting like nothing happened. I often fear that whenever I do something bad I would get beaten by one of my parents. I sometimes whish they would just get back what they deserve. Lastly I hate humanity. Among all the species in the planet why did I have to born in the dumbest. A deer who just leaves to eat grass to than be eaten by a wolf is living a better life than 99% of humans. We are put in a rat race no one really wants to take part in. And that 1% not only is a super-selfish group of men living better at the expense of other humans, but at the expense of the planet. Most humans celebrate them as smart, but if they were really that smart they would find a way to live that life without hurting other humans and the planet. The truth is they are just born rich and so selfish that they would do anything to have more money. But also everyone would do everything for more money just yesterday I came across a dude who faked being deaf to ask money for a charity and I was falling for it. I hate myself, everyone around me and humanity",Suicidal +22539,"I do not really have any methods for a painless death I just have a small knife that I used for self harm. Tonight I was thinking ""what if I stab myself in the neck what then?"" I guess I would bleed to death. It would be so painful. Now I am just thinking what my mom would think when she sees me on my bed just dead covered in blood. Ngl I feel like I am doing this for attention but I hate feeling this way. I wish I could just go into some forest and kill myself there so no one would find me immediately. I am pretty much convinced that no one would care anyways. They would just move on after a while. My brothers probably saw it coming and it would somehow be a blessing for my parents because they would not have to deal with me. I am still like 17 but cannot imagine myself getting a job to help my mom or dad anytime soon. My dad does not even love me and my mom's getting slowly tired of dealing with me. I cannot pick up after myself, I cannot do anything at all. I am thinking of rehoming my dogs too, I am not fit to take care of them even though they have technically been my only will to live. Sometimes people tell me ""you are still so young you have no reason to feel this way"" but honestly that just gives me more motivation to end it all. If I cannot handle living now what makes you think it will be any better when I have to do it on my own? If I do not die from a murder or accident I will definitely die from suicide. that is just the only path I see going for me. And now I cannot stop thinking about sticking that knife into my neck and just bleeding to death. Idk I am just having suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +24797,"Why should I?The embarrassment of a man /Who does nothing but make a fool out of himself /Trying with every fiber of his being to make himself feel like more than just a camera /Grasping at valueless connections /Forcing himself into the keyhole /Fabricating his emotions and convincing himself they are realThe child who weeps and cries to be loved /The man who sees things that are not there /The man who desperately needs approval /The man who knows nothing, thinks nothing, and cares for nothing /The man who only show concern for his own frail body /The man who walks amongst the dead but is too afraid to die /The man who cannot know others, since he has no understanding of himself /The man with no ambition, no hope, no interests /The hollow shellWhy should he exercise? /Why should he smile? /Why should he talk? /Why should he open his eyes? /Why should he try to improve? /Why should he do anything but sit and rot? Why should I?",Suicidal +21936,"I am less than two months from going to graduate school, and yet I have never been closer to committing suicide. I have the majority of a plan in place and everything. If I make it to grad school, I have two years of that, and then an internship to start my job, which I can do pretty much anywhere in the country. It feels so far away. It feels like it will never happen. Even in high school I told myself to look forward, that college will be better. It was not, I spent my days laying in bed or working. Now I am afraid grad school is going to be the same loneliness and isolation, so much that I am fully prepared to end it before then. Why does life take so long to get started? Why is the ticket to true happiness and self-determination so elusive? Why does the tunnel to happiness keep going endlessly?",Suicidal +23058,"I find I am either in a state of intensity where my head is buzzing with so many ideas and thoughts that I can barely sleep to a state of emptiness and depression that is so heavy it is almost indescribable. I am rarely ever in the middle as of the last two years, but I am always suicidal, never fearing death. I have only really stayed alive at this point because I have no easy access to anything besides perhaps if I jumped in front of a car. I just want to sleep and never wake up, to not have to worry about slugging through the days that blur into one another. I feel a year could pass and it would feel as though I have not moved at all, like I am trapped inside a void purgatory. I want to sleep, I do not want to have to do this just to barely make it through each day and be crying by the time I get to bed having to think about doing it all over again. The ping pong between the highs and the lows is too exhausting",Suicidal +10034,"it all started around the end of may this year, and now almost 3 months later its got to the point where i self harm and want to die every day, i try to talk to my friends about this stuff but i just get ignored, or they make excuses up not to talk to me, or that is what it feels like. I am seriously worried and i want this to stop. i do not know what is wrong with me i just feel sad and suicidal pretty much all the time i keep getting worse every day",Suicidal +13106,"Thought checking into the hospital would help but it did nothing. All they did was put me on a horrid medication that gave me a horrifying reaction so I had to stop taking after a week. I was going to go to school this semester, but unfortunately I have to be able to afford the payment for all my classes tomorrow and I am clean out of money. do not have a job, do not have a skill, do not have a future other than being a slave and wishing I could die everyday. I am just an angry, demotivated piece of snot oozing my way down the walls of my room towards the rock bottom. I wish I could find a way to make money off of music but unfortunately that is nigh impossible to do for practically anyone, so that is another dream fucked by the disgusting planet we live on. going to do some research and finally get myself some actual help; by ending my pointless, miserable existence. At this point it seems that is the only help I can stand to gain anymore. My life, and everything I do and try is meaningless. Everything I put effort into fails. Every passion I have fades away. Every love I share is torn apart. I am sick of the rollercoaster, I am sick of losing all the time. No more of this. I am gone. Finding the easiest, most reliable and most painless way I can, and then I am out, fuck this shit.",Suicidal +25262,"Everyone keeps telling me I am a survivor, to hang in there coz I have already been thru sooo much in life and I am still here so that means I can survive whatever's happening atm.........and yea you are right, I am a fucking survivor, all I have ever done my whole life is survive, and I am tired of it, I want to LIVE not survive, but that sad reality is that I will never get to live happily, I will ALWAYS have to survive, my mental health issues insure that......and like I say I do not want to survive I want to live, but that is not possible for me so why bother keeping on going..... do not want to ""survive""",Suicidal +20762,How did the guys jump from a higher altitude...makes me disbelieve that I am in a real world How,Suicidal +25209,"The struggle to go on gets harder everyday but yet I am still here waiting for something ""magical"" or whatever to make me happy or change my mindset , got a birthday coming up soon other than that I am losing the will to live.. collect money everyday until I die of old age and stress? no thanks brain keeps telling me ""why postpone it, you know you want to do it, why wait""",Suicidal +15320,Anyone someone please just talk to me I have no one please help me I need someone,Suicidal +21423,someone tell me you love me please. i do not fucking care that you do not actually love me. i just need to hear it. I am so fucking done right now. i want to kill myself. i have no will to live and just one person to hold onto. but i think I am close to letting go. please someone tell me they love me,Suicidal +13104,"I hate my life, my appearance, my family, my ""friends"" and everything. I am no longer wanting to live. I will take my life. I will. I promise myself tonight, that I will. D . I . E",Suicidal +14915,"I feel like a complete waste of space and a disappointment I waste everyone is time, including my own",Suicidal +25328,"I decided to go to therapy. The first concern the therapist had was whether or not I might be abusing my girlfriend due to being mentally ill. Not whether or not I might kill myself or how I have been doing the past week, no. Just an assumption that because I am a mentally ill man, I may be abusing the person I love. I felt extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed.And this was at a place that is specifically for men. I immediately asked the therapist if I could pay now. After paying, I got up and left. Never going to therapy again.Fuck this fucking society. Everyone can go fuck themselves. I hope a giant meteor hits this god forsaken planet and ends this miserable hell hole forever. I am done. I cannot stand being treated less than human any longer. Goodbye. Being a man is horrible.",Suicidal +8613,"My family has such high expectations. They expect me to work three minimum wage jobs because that is what ""adults do"". I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to grow up in this world where I basically have to work in order to survive. I have one job. it is not like I am a bum but whenever I am not a work, it is a problem. Whenever I have free time, it is a problem because to them I could be doing something better in my free time. I always get compared to others. I always get told I am not normal and that I am weird for just staying home and relaxing on my days off instead of picking up more jobs. I work 40 hours. What the hell do they expect? If this is adulting, I do not want any part of it. it is bad enough I am depressed and find it hard to get out of bed. I cannot imagine just working all the time when half the time I think of ending it. I will never be good enough. I did not ask to be born.",Suicidal +12745,"Never ends, does not want to end. My mind is fighting itself over and over again. I just want to rest. I hope there is no afterlife, then I can just rest. I have no clue why we were made as faulty, sad, depressed as we are, but I sure hope there is s very good explanation. Are we all faulty humans? Or is this some sort of punishment?",Suicidal +21247,my thoughts are spiraling and i cannot physically relax and stay still. are there any ways to cope with anxietylike the 1234 finger method ?!,Suicidal +7116,"I am 23 and I could not even get a job at McD because the manager told me they only wanted permanent staff members, not a temporary one. I am so pissed off because they could have specified that bit on the web page at least instead of the whole part-time and full-time thing. I prepped so hard for 3 days and even answered the interview questions like a breeze and it all came down to the ""Are you looking to be a permanent member here?"". I am probably a dumbass for not even seeing this coming, but holy crap I am depressed as hell. Please, pardon me for venting I am sorry I am just stressed out right now, I am tired of feeling like a dissapointment to everything. there is probably some other bloke having it worse right now and maybe I do not deserve feeling like this. I am unemployed and an engineering degree is not doing me anything right now because of all the smarter people having better coping mechanisms than I did, not even a 2:1 can save my skinny ass (all these First class degrees coming up faster than Covid). I cannot even get a job to save me out of a hole because of that one question. Fuck it, I cannot even busk with my acoustic guitar because there is way too many professional and good ""quirky"" artists in the streets.I want to die so bad right now, I hate having to be a fucking Asian with expectations of being something in this world. do not get me started on student loans and family relatives speaking out loud how you went overseas and not even getting any source of income. it is not ones fault, I get that. But I do not know how long I have it in me to just keep trying. I am just tired. I am just so tired of realizing you are so close to something and fucking it up over and over and over again. Sorry Mel, Jay, Mom, Dad, I do not know what to do anymore. No ones going to read this post, just like how I am just going to be passing by in this place. I cannot keep up anymore. it is too tough for me, and I am being like a bitch right now but fuck it. At least, if its over, it would not hurt anymore. I am sorry, I am so sorry for messing up and being like this. do not be like me. Please. I feel like I triggered my own mental state for not even handling this situation well. I am just so tired. I cannot even get a McD job because of one interview question",Suicidal +20077,"Hi. Hope you are all having a good night. I am just tired. Really tired. I have got mental health that is been degenerating for the best of a year. Even with meds I cannot keep episodes down. I am paranoid my gf is talking to someone else even though there is no basis and i cannot get it out of my head. It is not fair to her so I will best be moving on to the next life, world whatever. Even if its just a big sleep with no afterlife I would be okay with that. I am separate from her. She lives in Prenont and I in Houston. she is the most wonderful girl I have met. she is grown so much from the person she was and I am proud of her. Me on the other hand, am just getting tired of lifes hardships. I lost two best friends because one of them was unhinged. I knew they were not my friend at that point when she went off on me for trivial reasons, but it still hurt coming from a best friend. I have nothing positive to offer her and I can tell she is getting tired of being patient for me. Just a massive combination of things that all oule up that make this all feel like it is not worth it. I did not ask to be born into this life.there is nothing anyone can do to change my mind. I have a plan, I have access as a means. Finishing my social work masters exam in a few days will be my last accomplishment. Pass or fail, I am going to drive out somewhere, take my favorite snacks, smoke a final few bowls and let the carbon monoxide take me . Painful or not, I just want to sleep. Might end it after my licensure exam",Suicidal +17709,"I just lost a friend of my suicidal thoughts are coming back. I have a bottle of pills and I will kill myself. Goodbye and have a good life I have had suicidal thoughts before, and they are all coming back to me",Suicidal +12195,"cannot be fucked with it anymore, I am damaged beyond all repairOiche mhaith agus go raibh mhaith agat cannot be fucked anymore",Suicidal +11146,"i cut my arm multiple times, nothing too deep just scratches but there is noticeable scars, how do I hide them? help with cuts",Suicidal +23755,"I do not know what it is, I do not even know if its by the faults of my own doing or if there is an alternate source, whether it be internal or external, that continues to bash me on the head with ideas and thoughts that are not my own, ones that I feel cannot possibly be at my own doing. My names Nat. I am 16, trans (she/they), and autistic. All of these play a factor into what I feel may be underlying factors playing into my depression and self-sabotaging tendencies. It seems as if every friendship or relationship I have is toxic in some regard, mostly due to my influence. I am horrible at making new friends, so whenever an old friendship has officially concluded I continue to try and call them back to me, so I no longer will bathe in my own desperations and self-loathing ideologies. I beg and make a fool of myself. And the few friendships I have maintained have only been at the expense of others. Even if they say they do not mind caring for me and helping me through these problems, even if they are also there to lend a helping hand, I never feel as though I do enough in return to grasp it and accept it, that is, their love. I make a bigger deal out of problems constantly, and have no reasonable output or control of my emotions. Something as small as someone leaving me on Read can lead me down a dark spiral into depressing thoughts and much darker ideas. I feel I am not one singular person, but many different people trying to take control of a body that refuses to cooperate. The small glimpses of happiness and fulfillment are quickly overshadowed by long, drawn-out periods of mania and depression. I never feel happy with life anymore. Even when I am enjoying life, I always have a feeling in the back of my mind that I could be doing better, that I could be getting more out of life.For example, I started my first job yesterday and I loved it. The people there were really nice and helpful, and despite not wanting to work in Fast Food, I really enjoyed my time at Sonic working there. But last night I had a breakdown because I kept thinking of all the little mistakes I made and how I felt I would stay where I was and continue falling behind my coworkers. I feel as if I do not deserve peoples sympathy and love, but at the same time, crave it more than anything. I am willing to completely change who I am for someone I find admirable. My life at this point has no balance, and the smallest hint of work or anything adult like college and taxes, I shut down and am unable to function like a normal human being. Something as simple as my friend saying Sorry for not texting back, I was at work makes me want to dispose of my phone and hide away in my room from everyone, to shut myself in from the outside world. Because I feel inferior to them, I feel I could somehow be better, even if they and I are on a similar level of ability. Even now, as of writing this, I feel like I am over exaggerating, that maybe things are not as bad as I put them. After all, even if it is rare, I still can be happy. A vent",Suicidal +22424,"These so called ""professionals"" ruined my life misdiagnosing me, giving me pills that never worked and gave me more side effects, people do not know my story and they judge. I change 5 doctors in 2 years they did not treat me right. Now i self diagnosed ADHD and nobody want to believe it. Really? Go burn in hell everyone. I hate psychiatrists they are not that much professionals as you think",Suicidal +10833,"Hi,,idk what I am doing honestly. I have experienced suicidal thoughts and impulses since I was 11 years old and every day had been a struggle; I am diagnosed with chronic, severe major depressive disorder, ptsd, and ocd and being alive is a struggle. I have not been able to work since 2018 and recently I was denied for ssd and I just ! Feel like such a burden on my family I do not know what to do. I have tried 20 different medications, I take 7 daily right now and it just. is not getting better. I do not want to live like this forever. I cannot. I will not. there is only one sure way out and idk I have written a rough draft for a note but I hate it and I cannot leave my baby sister with nothing but a music box and a shit letter so I guess I have to refine it or something. I do not know. Feels like forever",Suicidal +24926,"Hey. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. Or not. No use in putting this off further. I am Forrest. Or Wes for short, if that is what you would prefer. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was about 8. Or I suppose even less than that. And there is just something about being passively suicidal that is been helping me realize things throughout my short-lived journey. Everyday I find things and reasons on why I should end it right here and there. Despite how I do not see the world in rose tinted glasses, I consider myself idealistic, even. I would refuse to let my anxiety get the better of myself. I wake up early in the morning, try to do everything I am supposed to do. Actively try to enjoy everything that I am supposed to. Friends, family, school, hobbies... And you know what? It worked. But there comes a time that everything just falls apart because somehow, that shitty feeling just crawls its way back to you and finds you again, further terrorizing your life. To be fair, it is always been there. On that span of years I did make plans but most of them ended up with me crying on the floor and calling myself a coward for not going through it. Everything I thought I lived for was no longer what I lived for. I existed for it. If I did not do constantly fine, there is something wrong with me. I know that this is not the case at all. But every fiber on my being just says otherwise. And I hate it. I hate how I cannot control it. But do I actually hate it? I do not even know anymore. I have became too numb because apparently trying to live takes everything out of you and drains you. Now I only try to exist. Wash my face in the mornings and do well, get straight A's. Because that is all I know. that is all I know to do. I do not know what else I can do. I guess I do, but I do not have any means to do it. I do not want to admit it but I am scared. I am scared to do anything different. Though we do not always get what we want. Look at me now, an empty subhuman husk. Everything in my life is slowly plummeting. Things I thought I lived for was just me trying to act like I am human. That everything's fine because I am scared of not being fine. I know that everyone has their bad days and all that but fuck I cannot control what I am scared of. And I hate it. Each passing day I come with the awareness that there is something perpetually wrong with me and that I probably need help. But I cannot get help, due to personal situations, even if I wanted to. Of course, I am young. I have so many years ahead of me. So much time for change. Again, it does not feel like it. And I hate it. I hate feeling. I have become so overwhelmed by it that everything in me just shuts down until my body brings it up again and now I am a depressive mess. I am constantly stuck in this paradox of knowing that everything's going to be fine and hating otherwise. Because that implies that I am not alright. I am a mess. But I do not want to be a mess. I cannot accept being a mess. For years I tried to desperately to escape it and try to get all the support I am supposed to get. Family, friends, school, hobbies... Even that failed too. Maybe I am not just doing anything right. I just want to pretend that I am. Because my silly brain's been conditioned to think that its just the world that is wrong and not me. Deep down, I know that there is something wrong with me. And the feeling part of myself that I do not like agrees. Hell maybe it is neither or both. Who knows. I can try thinking about it but I would end up with a non-definitive answer. Again, my name is Forrest. And I am 13. I am a good student. I have no social life and my social skills are stunted. And what you are reading is one of the suicidal notes I made. I have been orchestrating my suicide note since I was 8. I do not want your sympathy because it is probably too late for that. Even then if I were alive, I would not want it. I want you to understand. My vague suicide note that I wrote on a depressive episode",Suicidal +15424,took like a bunch of benadryl and my boyfriend made me throw it up but i cut myself pretty bad and if i wait until i go to treatment ag the hospital tomorrow it might be too late to stitch lol what do i do lol help,Suicidal +8284,"Title speaks for itself. For years a close friend and I have been working on getting a house. He ended up having a child with his girlfriend and now they are married, but it was all planned that she would come along and be in our house when we got it. Well, plans changed and my friends wifes parents talked my friends wife out of it and used me as an excuse saying that I am not safe to be around because I went to the mental hospital in the past. They said I am dangerous and Ill end up killing everyone including the kid. They say that, and then say how my firiend is not ready to buy a house, but then forces him on a loan application to buy a house with the in-laws. So now, I am not going to have a home, my friend is locked in with his in-laws, his in-laws have taken total control of my friends marriage and now will not let me anywhere close to the house. Knowing this is how people feel about me (and multiple parties at that) it just brings me down. Ever since I went to the mental hospital, I have been treated like shit by so many people. I have been called a monster, a demon, a threat to society. All because I could not handle my emotions anymore. I wish I could talk to my friends in-law to their face and tell them to tell me I should have killed back then. Honestly I believe it though. I should have just killed myself back then. Its evident the world would have been better off without me, since people are so annoyed by my existence. Jokes on them. I am going to kill myself and make sure people know so they can celebrate my death. I hate this world, and here is another reason. The world has turned its back on me, and now I turn my back on the world. This is the end. People do not trust me purely because I went to a mental hospital before. Feeling like I should have just killed myself back then when I had the chance",Suicidal +21377,"I have tried so hard not to blame anyone else, but doing that eats away at you. And I ran out of myself to give a long time ago.I hate them. I hate everyone. Most of all, I hate myself for feeling this way, but soon, even that will be swallowed by the hate. Self-righteous fools who have their heads shoved too far up their own asses to see anything.there is nothing left. I want to hurt them",Suicidal +17089,My life has been at a standstill for a while and I have been bullied in my own home by other tenants.I am seriously considering committing murder and then ending myself.I will not let my honour nor my life be joked around with.They already succeded in making me feel like a piece a shit and sharing my secrets.I will take them all with me.Fuckin Scum. I now realise what I have to do.,Suicidal +23448,i like life. i like alot of things about life.. i love my friends and family but i still have this really dark feeling everyday and i think that i should just kill myself. I do not know why. Suicidal even though life is cool,Suicidal +13695,"Everything hurts. My therapist told me to go on a walk so I did. It helped a little but it does not stop the pain. I do not care how it will affect my family and friends, I just want it to stop. Please make it go away It hurts",Suicidal +36276,"@AbigailBrooke29,With Jake :),RT @yxrx_x: I desperately and whole heartedly dont want to be here anymore.",Suicidal +8684,"I have never felt good enough for anything or anyone. Everyone leaves in the end anyway. Its not my looks its me but why do most people despise me? I know that I am rather introverted and quiet but that is because growing up my mother always yelled at me and I do not like yelling and being loud it makes me super uncomfortable. Everyone always thinks that I am unhappy and not comfortable, maybe I am but how can one be truly happy if they have no goal they are striving towards or any internal motivation let alone true friends and family? How am I suppose to escape this hole of negativity and misery if everyone always says: you look depressed, lost, sad. Yes I am, I try my best to hide it but why point it out? Never good enough",Suicidal +23472,I need advice on coping mechanisms for life. Coping mechanisms.,Suicidal +26639,"About a week ago I started my first real letterbut then I stopped. I finished it tonight. it will still be a couple months before it is all said and donelogistics.I have struggled with suicide all my life. Even made some attempts when I was young. When I met my wife over a decade ago, I thought I was okay. That I could keep all the abuse boxed up like I was taught. What they do not teach you is that life keeps happening and more bad stuff gets added. My box overflowed and I lost my way.Then I lost my wife. My light was gone. I did my best to carry on and even though she did terrible shit, she gave me enough hope at reconciliation that I started to get better.Thenlifeand lifeand more life. StillI persisted. Things got better. I got stronger. There was still hope.We had a date last night even though I am sure she would not call it that. It was great. We spent the night together. She cuddled for the first time in months. I stayed awake all night.The wheels fell off this morning and throughout the day. I am not putting them on again. I am getting off the ride. The hope is gone. She will be a widow before she can divorce me. I am leaving her everything. She will have more than enough for a completely fresh start. It feels like the best gift I could ever give her. Freedom from me and a new beginning. The feeling is oddI think its peace.SometimesI think some of us are damaged so much that without whatever source of light in our darknesswe just have to let go. I hopein timeshe and those closest to me will realize that this was not selfish, but instead selfless.I love you. The Reckoning",Suicidal +11813,I do not know what is wrong with me do not even have the motivation to write another suicide note,Suicidal +8211,"It feels like everyone is always expecting me to have all of my problems listed out in a convenient list. I often struggle with getting my thoughts in order, and as a result my sentences may sound incoherent. This makes it so much more difficult for me to reach out. Sometimes I do not want to reach out at all. My brain feels so scrambled all the time.I genuinely do not want to be alive anymore. Each passing day, I get closer and closer to ending it all. I can never articulate my thoughts properly",Suicidal +19332,I feel so empty and lost. Just want it all over. Feeling lost,Suicidal +7285,"Everytime I go on this subreddit, I cannot help but feel like I am just being a whiny brat. Everyone else has some truly terrible things that happened to them. I can understand why they want to do something like this, but me? I just dealt with bullies all throughout elementary school and was molested for a bit when I was ten. I should still be functional by all accounts.And yet, I am starting to fail out of school because I was a lazy shit all throughout the year who panicked at the prospect of talking to people and slept all day. I am just wasting everyone is time and money at this point. I do not really know why I am still here. Maybe it is time to quit before I can disappoint anyone else even more than I already have. I already know I am not going to see my late twenties, so why not end early? Overreactions",Suicidal +22691,"I will kill myself until the end of this month, that is the time I gave myself to put some stuff in order. I cannot do jackshit cannot focus on anything cannot function just fucking wake up go to sleep and distract myself inbetween I am not even living anymore. I would rather cut my losses here and go away permenantly than waste my parents money any further. I do not even expect any support or anything here just want to get it out to somewhere since I will stage my death as an accident. Hope other people here make it and survive, but that are not going to be me. Love you folks and take care Well that is it",Suicidal +20561,"My mental state has been up and down since then. Now, at 20, I have all the desire to kill myself but none of the motivation or energy to do it like I used to. I am too tired. I have ample reason to do it - failing university and if my parents find out they will kill me anyway, hardly any friends and get the feeling that the ones I do have do not want me around. I know that could just be me, but I do not want to live with the feeling of nobody wanting me around either way. there is not a second of the day where I do not feel too hideous to be alive, and even just seeing people with conventionally nice bodies makes me spiral. I cannot live with myself, but I also do not have it in me to kill myself. Even if I did, I have gone through enough attempts to know that it would not work. I feel like I am stuck here and I hate it. I wish I followed through back when I was capable. I was determined to not make it to my 18th birthday, and I was strangely proud of myself when I did. Now I regret it.",Suicidal +11870,"I have reached acceptance. I feel sucked dry and empty inside. I would never kill myself because I care about the people around me too much, but, I would not be upset if something happened to me. I think something is severely wrong with my brain, I do not know how to love and all of my thoughts just feel wrong. Even when I was little I would imagine developing a terminal illness, so I could feel taken care of. These thoughts just make me feel so bad about myself. If I could I would give my life to someone who is suffering.My worst fear is getting in a car accident and surviving. I am ready",Suicidal +8801,I am constantly having intrusive thoughts about killing my self. It has gotten so bad were i can feel a rope closing down on my throat. But i am not self harming or putting a rope to my throat. Does anyone know good copping mechanisms or breathing exercises that can help? I am having intrusive thoughts,Suicidal +12905,"Fresh from looking at at a thread that was on the front page of the body of a women who committed suicide in a bathtub full of water. There were twenty pictures and the first one was bad enough that I did not look at the rest (except for the last one, which I covered the screen up and scrolled to the last one). The picture, implications, thoughts and comments have screwed with my state of mind, but has not become a deterrent. Just ended up causing a current breakdown, particularly after seeing other posts that hit off other triggers.I might be selfish for wishing others did not go through crap, but guess this world just has to suck for too many people. Seeing the aftermath (kind of) of completion...",Suicidal +26301,"hi everyone, I am sorry to put this much baggage on your shoulders but I have nowhere else to go and could use a little bit of empty as I cannot bear this anymore.I am almost 30 years old, I have been struggling with depression for the last 16 years, always on and off, some days are great some others are unbearable pain and suffering, it is such a horrible roller coaster of emotions that I cannot handle anymore.these last 6 years were great, I only felt suicidal a couple of times which was a breathe of fresh air, I spent those 6 years with my beautiful girlfriend, I thought to myself, this is it, I am here to stay, this is my calling, my reason to be here, to love this woman to the very end, I pictured us together, Grey hair and wrinkles, sat next to each other just watching the sun set, happy...i poured my heart and soul on this relationship, I changed jobs multiple times every time taking a step forward in my career, I started working out, even when there was a discussion the last thing I would say at night was ""I love you"" I avoided anything that would make her uncomfortable, never gave her a reason to be jealous, we had our differences and would get into trouble for that but I would encourage open communication, sometimes it worked...yet I am still back here in this sub, after 6 years she put an end to the relationship, she was not feeling loved anymore, what did I did wrong, in trying to understand, i found out she started to talk to a guy in another country, she blocked me from social media so I could not see what she posts, we still talk we are still intimate but there is this hollowness growing inside me, she has made it clear, we are not meant to be together, I feel used, I feel robbed, I feel alone, everyday the pain just grows and grows, it is impossible to handle, i feel so broken again, it is so painful to just breath, this pressure in my chest, the hollow breaths, the frustration, the anxiety, hell I am even typing this during a meeting, I am not functional anymore, I do not want to grow older anymore, I am scared I might lose my job, I do not have anyone to listen to me, I realize I was just trying to find temporary solutions to a permanent problem, I do not fit in this world and I cannot force myself to try to fit anymore, last week I tried therapy but it is too late for me, the trauma of this pain will haunt me forever. everyone night before I go to sleep I spend at least 3 hours crying my eyes out, I try to choke myself with a belt but the fear stops me every time, it is been 3 weeks like this, I wish I could just stop breathing, but I feel guilty, I feel guilty just for being alive and I feel guit, I do not want to leave my mother alone, I would rather die by an illness of accident so she could cash out my life insurance but I am too healthy to die like that, why do I feel like this? she was never a good parent, I mean she tried I guess, I do not know, it just pains me to see my pictures as a child and see what I have become, no one deserve to live like this yet here I am, I hope this will be my last day, I have bought a helium tank and wish I have the will to carry on with this, if the fear takes over again, I guess I will see you around, but it do not get to read you again I wish you all find the peace you are looking forthank you for your time cannot handle this anymore",Suicidal +14857,"like honestly,i do not want no one in my commesnt like ""you can talk to me"" no,that will not kill me i want real awnsers anyone know painless ways to die?",Suicidal +17082,"I have had depression my whole life. Tried every medication. Prayer. Church. Counseling. Nothing works. Recently went through something is that have left me completely broken. It hurts to breathe. And I am so tired of being hurt and in pain. I am sure 100% I want to die because I do not want to continue suffering anymore. I have no desire to live. The problem is I cannot seem to find a way that is quick and not traumatic. I have been physically abused a lot and I get horrible anxiety when I am afraid and anything harmful to myself is scary and sends me into panic mode. So jumping off my balcony, hanging myself or cutting my wrists is not an option for me. I have tried to take like 24 Percocets hoping Id fall asleep and never wake up. But I woke up. I guess it was not enough. And I do not have access to any more pills. I wish there was just a way to disappear and it be done. Anyone one else stuck in this position. Life is over but you cannot find a way to leave or do not have the courage to do anything traumatic. I want to die but I cannot find the courage to kill myself",Suicidal +14067,"I am 23 male from Iran. I have had a crazy life like mom diying in car accident when I was 4. Abusive psycho dad. Being raised by my narcissist strict grandparents. I have had no life. None. No rights no hobby no freetime no social interaction. Was just forced to study 24/7 to become a doctor. My grandparents would not even let me to groom my hair properly or wear perfumes because that would attract girls! I had never met or talked to a girl for my intire life till I was in university and that obviously turned out terrible. I have so many personality issues and find it hard to properly socialize with anyone. I got into med school in another city expecting to finally start living a normal life and having my basic rights. All those promises my family had made that they would finally let me be free or the things they are going to get me if I get into med school but suddenly my rich narc family stopped paying for my basic needs like even enough to buy proper food! Or to pay for my taxi! Let alone hanging out with friends or getting a girlfriend. They said money will spoil you! You will get busy with girls and not finish your studies!! I wanted to take my driving license and they replied the same :) I tolerated that hellish situation for 4 months but after that quit. It was not that easy they still argue/fight with me to this day. 2 years have gone by and I am stuck in my room with nothing much to do but making the days pass 24/7 on my phone or watching movies. I soon realized being a garbage collector/construction worker in a free country free of Islam and theocracy is better than being a doctor or even specialist in this hellhole of Iran. I realized through the online friends I made that I am not the problem. The Islamic system is. I could easily connect with people and even girls not only romantically but on a human level and make true connection but here the restrictions and rules have made our girls kind of weird and too hard to catch. Like until 2 or 3 years ago being caught just walking with your girlfriend on the street would have ended up with 100 lashes and execution in the 4th trial. Iran is like a big cemetary. we are not allowed to sing/dance or date. it is like happiness is forbidden. walking on the streets is like there is dust of death everywhere. So depressing and things are getting even worse like drought!! And our currency devaluing day by day. Right now the value of one USD equals 25 Toman. My dad is a selfish piece of shit that lives in another country but I do not count him as dad and do not want to have to do anything with him. My grandma finally gave me 10k for a language course abroad in Europe but I need atleast 15k for my whole application and visa process. Idk what to do with 10k. My alternative plan is to make it to Turkey, get a cheap boat and sail to Greece with the hope of getting sunked midway. I hate my life",Suicidal +13072,"Its pointless. On most days it hits me, why am I even trying to put any effort into anything living a life I do not even want.",Suicidal +13820,"Warning: this is long. I am basically describing all my problems. I am 23. I am supposed to have finished my first year at this really good law school. I have told everyone that I am. Instead, I have actually been a graduate student with my masters in legal science at a less reputed college near me, while actually applying now. I have lied to everyone. I left my hometown to go to law school. I moved into an apartment with my high school/college bestie. She works a LOT as an engineer. Moving in with her was a great idea, I do not regret it and I still love her. she is a good roommate, but honestly she just talks a LOT about herself and her life, I feel like she never asks me. I am also very good at deflecting but I wish she would push a little harder to ask how I am. So I tend to avoid her and chill in my room a lot. I also need time to relax. I also smoke weed almost every day and lie about it. I have a vaping problem that is so hard to quit but I am trying. I lost my gramps earlier this year and its been difficult because he was my favorite man on this planet.I was diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder, bordering depression. Was also prescribed medication I never kept up with. I was going to my psychiatrist then she moved to a different clinic that did not take my insurance. Its been like 6 months since and I still have not gone to another. here is the issue that I think triggered me to become the asshole. My cousin had this graduation extravaganza party. I did a lot, I worked a lot, I fucking cleaned up vomit and managed t o send 30 teenagers home after 1am and ubers were closed. I worked my ass off and just never felt appreciated through the whole moment. Even worse I feel like I annoyed everyone. So, it triggered me real bad and I pushed away everyone. Now I am stuck with no one I can talk to. I have some really good friends I just completely stopped talking to. By the time I realized Id pushed everyone away and stopped talking, I could not figure out how to respond and they all STILL to this day have been trying to get me to talk to them. But a group of friends (two of whom I stopped talking to and the rest people I was t close with) and I had planned a trip months ago. The hotel reservation was under my name and I had a discount. If I did not go, they would not be able to stay there. So I went, felt like everyone hated me the whole trip. The last day was super bad and I cried many times secretly through the day in the bathrooms lmao. Then, I got super wasted and cried for hours in front of 3 of them. No one cared to really talk to me because we had a 9 hour drive that day. So, right before that trip I was ready to apologize to all my friends. Then the trip happened and I no longer really want to talk to anyone. I am not suicidal, I just do not want to live. The only reason I am still on this planet is my mom. I could never kill myself because I cannot fail her. But I imagine myself dying or getting cancer all the time. I do not want to do anything, I have lost passion is everything. I know I am for real depressed. I lie about EVERYTHING because I do not want anyone to think negatively about me bc I already have severe body image issues and I cannot stand to let others thinks there is more wrong with me besides the fact that I am clinically obese. I push everything off. I am pretty sure I have a rotting tooth that could probably get infected and kill me at any time but I have not gone to the dentist because I do not have the energy and now I am scared and also I do not want to. I need to know if I am an asshole to my friends but also advice on how to get out of this rut. In the last 3 days, I have not been smoking, I have not been vaping. I go to coffee shops and work super hard on my applications (also helps that I have some left over ADHD meds.) I finally started to feel some hope and light. My diet is good I no longer binge eat like I used to everyday. I also go the gym like 3 times a week. Something feels different this time but I need any and all advice on how to forward with all my problems. Loser and asshole and sad",Suicidal +9830,Ladies please watch out for the account Supremazia_Italica he is going around offering money because he claims his kink is helping girls in need This is the opposite of what we need in the suicide watch subredditvery sick and twisted. Did piss me off enough to shake the suicidal thoughts though kind of like the suicide hotline does when they leave you on hold so long that you just get pissed and then start laughing at the irony. Someone using money to coerce me into sexting because i posted here,Suicidal +22976,"No matter how hard I hit myself (cannot cut anymore) it will not go away. My head is killing me. I wish I was not cared about so I could die, I really do wish that. Why will not the pain stop",Suicidal +18759,"I am really fed up of living, I have tried to be content with my life but it is too difficult like I have tried everything. Maybe I am just meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been mistreated and abused ever since I was 3 and it hurts but I have just gotten used to it.I have had four suicide attempts and they all failed miserably, it is kind of embarrassing.I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I really want to attempt again but I am kind of scared it will go wrong again.before anyone says oh get help or talk to someone, I did and they never took me seriously or even tried to care. I just want to die already",Suicidal +26384,"I have bipolar disorder and its so fucking hard to stay stable . Right now I am feeling extremely suicidal kind of want to overdose on all meds in my house and slit my wrist and just pass out on my bed . I want to dehydrate myself . Last year i was this close to death but my family saved me . I am so tired of trying . I have amazing people in my life but i cannot . I keep getting these traumatic flashbacks its making my life miserable . I just want all of this to end . there is no point in living , all day i do nothing but just lay on my bed . I have an exam coming up in a few months , i cannot even study cuz I am not stable . For fucks sake all i want it to be stable for once and be productive . What the fuck am i even going to do in life with such a disorder . I guess its my mania going on .I have not slept since past 2 weeks and i feel terrible . I screamt at my mom because i felt so irritated then i came back to my room and cried for hours because i feel guilty . I wish dying was easy and i could peacefully die in my sleep . I do not feel good . I want to die I am tired of trying",Suicidal +35897,"And I hate the fact if it's true Dojae will do surgery, Dojae has to endure the pain alone :'( without Segye 😭😭😭😭 a… https://t.co/B4hM6MjQRe",Suicidal +15359,"If the doctor said I had terminal cancer I would have to fake being upset. It would be great to have a way out, a sure fire way out of here, that would not be my 'fault' or anyone else's. My whole family would watch me transform into probably the happiest they have ever seen me because I would know I am getting the hell out of here. I would be relieved. Anyone relate to that? Are there people who are suicidal that have terminal illnesses on here? If so, what is that like for you? Terminal illness",Suicidal +25011,there is a stretch of road where it is fairly empty and I can easily get up to 120mph before hitting it. It takes all of my strength to not do it. I keep telling myself to wait a little longer and to stay positive. Sorry for the nothing post. I just needed to vent. To that abandoned building,Suicidal +21684,"Alone in my thoughts, late at night My bipolar is getting the best of me",Suicidal +14650,i do not know when or how but I am 100% sure my death will be suicide. I am actually kind of ok atm but i still remind myself daily that suicide is always an option. does anyone else feel this way? ?,Suicidal +11700,"As a religious person (my religion is Buddhism), it angers me whenever a person try to express their suicidal thoughts on the other people, and then the other people say you are going to hell if you kill yourself!, or you will reborn as an animal if you kill yourself!, or any kind of so-called Gods punishment for suicidal people. Its just so wrong to say that towards people who just wanted to end their pain. And since God encourage us to love our enemies and pray for those who hate you/hurt you, why should not we do the same for those who commit suicide for whatever reason they have (even if their reasons are terrible, since suicide is suicide)? you are going to hell if you kill yourself!",Suicidal +16412,What am I supposed to do after a suicide attempt?it is been a whole day and I am physically fine now. Been with a friend since I got discharged but I am now alone.I do not know what to do with myself or how to get to the next day. So.,Suicidal +19532,i have ehlers danlos a mutation i am a glitch not a program i have so many health problems that burden others i feel like i wish i was aborted but i know there will be no afterlife because only humans have souls i know my emotions are just chemical reactions i hate the fact i am conscious despite not being human so i am aware of my own suffering caused by being an abomination of nature/a glitch in evolution I am not human and i think about killing myself every day,Suicidal +16652,Stop just fucking stop brain It hurts so bad,Suicidal +26692,"I have a void in my life and no matter how hard I have tried to fill it, I constantly hit a wall. I am just so tired. So, so tired. I have tried hard to be positive and go by the mantra that it gets better. If I could see into a crystal ball and see for a fact Id have a great future, Id be fine. I cannot though and it makes me feel terrible. Life is just not enjoyable when I face the fact I do not have the things I truly want. I just do not see the point of life if I cannot be truly fulfilled. I just wish I could simply say Beam me up and that is it. Just send me back to where I came from. There is a constant void",Suicidal +18190,I have health issues it is likely cancer I also severe mental health issues I cannot take this anymore what does everyone think happens when we die ? Do we just cease to exist? I am agnostic and do not know my head from arse at present this world is a very cruel place for some of us lost souls I am sorry we are all suffering so much Do we just die and that is it,Suicidal +17748,I do not want it to get infected! I just hit the fatty part of my arm and sliced the skin apart and I am not sure how to care for it,Suicidal +18076,I can go from smiling and laughing to want to swing from a rope really quick. I cannot take this anymore. there is nothing in-between. It comes in waves and it scares me,Suicidal +15803,"I do not care what anyone says, for some people their is no hope in life. I have accepted that I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life. Why? Chronic depression, social anxiety, bdd, agoraphobia, and extremely low self-esteem is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have already accepted I am never going to get a girlfriend. I am not working anymore because I do not see the point in making money when nothing even makes me happy. I do not find pleasure in anything I do. Everything feels like a goddamm chore. I am tired of getting drunk then waking up feeling even more miserable. I am tired of everything. I hate my life and want out. it is not going to get better",Suicidal +22067,how many people here actually own a gun? I have recently bought a gun and I do not think that is the most sane thing that I have ever done. I bought it with the intent to go to a gun range and to have a new hobby. the more I think of it the more that I see how easy it would be to put the barrel in my mouth and end it all. I have seen how several people have made it through a gunshot to the head and I do not think that is what I want to do at this point. I do not want to end up a vegetable in a nursing home and constantly being blown by a 300 pound black dude named Bubba and constantly having my mangina smashed. Maybe a 9mm hollow point? Own a gun?,Suicidal +13494,i will not listen to you tho if you give me advice&#x200B;&#x200B;(disclaimer: i am mocking myself for reaching out to my therapist for this but not wanting to listen to her advice because i am irredeemable and i just need to die to for it all to end. i do not mean to harm anyone i just want air this lil thing out) HELP ME! I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN! I WANT THIS CYCLE OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS TO END!,Suicidal +19952,"Everyday the thought passes through my mind, I am not sure what to do, I have reached out to healthcare but there is no mental health professions where I live. I am thousands of miles away from my family that I can speak to about this, and talking to them on a subject matter this dark seems inappropriate online. I am glad that I am scared but it does not stop the lingering thoughts.",Suicidal +25870,"I think I am better off dead because I am diabetic, have hypothyroidism, and autistic. There is no place for me to be accepted in society, especially in the employment world, because I have nothing marketable to offer, and my limitations far exceed my talents, which I doubt I have. I am sick of not being acknowledged, recognized, or heard for my good qualities. The sad reality is that society will never automatically see what is good about me. People are far too judgmental, and I cannot take rejection much longer. No place for me",Suicidal +21969,"Even if I do fix my problems, I still have depression and PTSD that makes me want to kill myself almost every second I rather just die than try to fix my problems",Suicidal +12305,"Several months ago I went through a terrible breakup of a 4-1/2 year relationship. I lost the person that knew more about me than anyone - including my parents. I had to move back in with them, and it was rough. For a few months we tried taking a ""break,"" where I was not allowed to contact her unless it was something we both planned. Right off the bat, she told me that she just wanted to break up but was also curious to see where things went.&#x200B;After two months of listening to all of the fun she was having without me, and her starting to find excuses to back out of everything, I decided it was time to end it. Regretfully it was over the phone, but I do not know if I had a choice because she would agree to meet and back out at the last minute.&#x200B;I was suicidal for a long time after that. Like not eating for several days at a time, looking for any websites with information about how to commit suicide, and even going places to get supplies. I lost about 20 lbs in just over a month because of this. I constantly reminded myself of everything that my ex told me was wrong with me and every mistake I made in the relationship. This was the person who knew me the best, and they thought so terribly of me, so I took it to mean that was who I am.&#x200B;I started going on long, aimless drive to get out and try to find something. Several times I ended up in the city my ex and I had lived in. Our lease did not end for another month, so I stopped by the apartment once after she said she had moved. My head was thinking of all the good memories I had with her there and told me to go, so I did. But actually being there was completely different. She still had random items all over the apartment, and she still had a few of her collages there, but all of my pictures were removed. A letter that I wrote to her shortly after the breakup was laying in a pile of junk mail on the couch.&#x200B;After seeing all of this, I made my first suicide attempt. I tried hanging myself, but I stopped because that shit's uncomfortable. I tried calling a few friends, but they were busy and could not talk. I did not know what to do, so I just drove back to my parent's and locked myself in my room.&#x200B;I decided I might as well do everything that I can to find something in life, so I started traveling. I did a family vacation that went terribly because everything's uncomfortable around my parents now. I visited a few friends, and that was a really good time. I honestly felt great for the first time in a long while.&#x200B;After about a month of that, I found a new apartment in the city where my ex and I lived because I am still going to school there. It was really difficult at first to be here and see all of the places we would go just a few months ago, but that slowly wore off and now it is just mildly difficult. First week I am here, I see my ex pulling into the same parking lot that I am leaving. I decide to go visit a friend to get out of town, and end up running into her mom. Then, two weeks later, I saw her going out with the guy that she said was just a school friend.&#x200B;I was feeling great and not thinking much about suicide, but now it is starting to come back. I have thought about it almost everyday this week. I think about jumping into traffic when I am on a walk, driving my car into the river on my way home, giving myself alcohol poisoning, or just starving myself. But I just do not know anymore. I feel like I have this drive to just keep going and meet someone else and live a dream life, but at the same time I know I am not hard working, smart, or wealthy enough to get any of those dreams. I feel like it would create too much drama, too.&#x200B;Thanks for reading this. I am sorry for how long and rambling it is; I just needed to vent. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +19748,"She gives me food, clothes, whatever and in return I dismiss everything they did to hurt me and let me stay in her house. What kind of sick fuck does that? My mother treats me like a slave",Suicidal +24540,"I love you dad and all the rest This is my final fit, my final bellyache",Suicidal +16450,"that is all i ask yet it still seems like too much I am at a loss for words (and everything else especially for will to live) I just really want to be dead, that is all there is to say",Suicidal +15668,"Around 2 years ago I was really sad and suicidal and never told anyone. I thought life was over for me, but then a girl entered my life and she became my whole world. I became happier then ever, i felt as joyous as i had been when i was a kid. We did everything together. I knew that my life had meaning when i was with her. We where controlling over each other and we both prioritized each other as number one. We got jealous of each other and there where bitter moments because we could not seem to do anything without one another. We made boundaries and i broke a boundary she felt very dearly about. She broke up with me and i felt my whole world fall apart. I am filled with guilt, loneliness, and bitter sweet nostalgia that i cannot seem to get over. I cannot think of a reason to be alive. I only ever wanted to be here when i was with her and now she is gone. I feel worse then before i met her and i cannot stand this feeling in my heart of desperate sadness and longing to be with someone who will never be either you again. I hate to sound this vulnerable. Idk what to do",Suicidal +21991,"I Can post the letter I sent to her. But this to teach men to speak instead of bottling as I did. And I want you to use this to speak as men. To understand the impact it can have on a person My Quote to you as a speaker and I how I see things: I do not think anyone is truly human until they have gone through a mental health battle. And I also believe to be human you need to sympathise and understand each other on a emotional level. Its a healthy way of communication and bringing people to closer for support. Mental health is SO important I think people need to understand otherwise the issue of not talking will only continue for men and women. It may create tramua and because people to close in there next relationship causing a relapse. People will always experience stress and anxieties from different situations. And depending on how important that person was to you will effect how bad your breakdown was off bottling true emotions. As mine breakdown was not talking to my ex Girlfriend Emma due to the situation of covid distance and jobs not coping well, it broke me. I did not tell her until 5 months after we split. So anyone who reads this before ending a life seek help and talk to your person. its how you react and causing self harm you will only create more damage to yourself and the people around you. I have done this with my Relationship with her. I decided to end it just because it broke me mentally from the drastic impact and stress I had trying I be with her. but I was on the edge with her, not her fault at all she was brilliant. I was struggling because covid made it impossible to get a job 3 hours away. BUT I WAS SO COMMITTED. I loved her. that is what you do for someone you love. I just ignored When she gone I was like no point now. I might as well. Now the truth has come out to her as it has she only thinks I am crazy or just to give it. Maybe I was easy for a little bit. Bottling for such a long time does that to you. Trying to take meds caused me schizophrenia. Until I just had a breakdown a complete breakdown. And it did break me. I attempted to end my life 3 times. One from Caffeine over does. 2 carbon monoxide. I had 1000 pills. The mental health Crisis team tried to make me hate like she cheated because I was depressed and created theories in my head, You are not insane. You are normal.You are just connected with your emotions. In a much deeper way. than other people are around you. It will get better. I am struggling to let her go due to the losing her from mental health as a best mate. But overall I am doing better. And I will beat this. So to anyone struggling give that person space. Take your time. It will get better. And you will find answers about why you felt a certain way or different than to your normal self I can post my ENTIRE letter. For anyone that is interested My views on mental health. This is my story.",Suicidal +19821,"Free to live, but not to die. America, land of the free...",Suicidal +19750,I do not get it. I live in a perfectly good life. My family is not poor and my grades are not the worst thing in the world. But I have been thinking about suicide for a while now. And I finally told my parents a few days ago. I asked about a therapist and they just told me I am over reacting and I should think about their emotions and how I am making them feel. They just tell me to be happier for them. I do not know what to do. I do not have anyone to cry to and no one except my sister seems to understand me. I am starting to wonder if I should just kill myself to get them to understand that I was not over reacting. And hopefully if my sister ever becomes depressed they will not ignore her feelings like they did to me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to do. I just want a way out No one understands me,Suicidal +25090,"Here I am unable to sleep because I have to take what is the biggest test of my life tomorrow and I have not studied at all for it of course. I know I am going to fail and then probably lose my job offer after. I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago but did not have the guts to do it like every other time I have tried. I was there, on the edge of a bridge ready to jump but I was just too afraid when it came down to it (I am terrified of surviving it and then living with the consequences after). If I fail this test I am surely going to try to commit suicide again but I know myself at this point, I will not really do it so this post is pointless. I have had depression basically my whole life, I have no friends, barely talk to my family, everyday is just frustrating agony. I wish something horrible would happen to me and end it all so I would not have to waste another minute in this disgusting worthless existence. Taking the NCLEX tomorrow and then probably my life",Suicidal +21894,"i try to put myself out there. i try to do more. if I am not anxious, then I am depressed and drained. no one has time for me anymore. I have been applying places for months to get out of the goddamn house just to get rejected or ignored. i sought out therapy only to find out it was not available. i do not find any joy in the things i wanted to dedicate my life to. i do not think anything right now about slashing my wrists open and letting myself drain out and die. i do not care anymore. there is no point. I have exhausted every other option",Suicidal +26939,"I am looking for an application or idk to sign up somewhere (psych wards are not included) to be reminded that it does not have to end like this or perhaps to have someone check in with me every now and then and maybe remind me how much damage it will because - because at times I do manage my suicide ideation, and other times its literally impossible for me to think about anything or anyone else just SUICIDE. I want to do it, but I do not really want to do it. I am sure a lot of you can relate. I just need some help and I do not think its a good idea to reach out to a friend or a family member; I am worried they will either panic or think I am just trying to pathetically seek attention. Both scenarios are equally bad! Are there any kind of Suicide Watch applications/services?",Suicidal +37185,i hate myself so much i want to KILL myself how are y’all?!?! 🥴🥴,Suicidal +18716,"I do not get why suicide is so frowned upon. If you knew me, you would want me to do it. The suicide hotline did not pick up",Suicidal +10791,"I am going to start off with, I do not have a plan or anything like that. All I have is a loss of hope.I was finally feeling like I really fit in with my new friends, but after some poor decisions and a week long depressive episode that ended in me trying to take my own life, a lot of them are very upset with me.I left our group, so they could have time to heal, but I do not know if I will ever be invited back.I am leaving out details of exactly what occurred, but it is safe to say that they are not overreacting. They have every right to feel the way they do after the way I acted.I do not know where to go from here. I have done everything I can do to try and help them heal, and it is out of my control now. They at the very least need time away from me, so I am making sure I give that to them.I do not know what the real point of me posting this is, because I am not sure there is advice that can help my situation. Losing friends due to my own actions has left me feeling awful and alone",Suicidal +10417,"Things I have dealt with:-Addicts for parents since a child and their two divorces-Depression, Anxiety, BiPolar Illnesses within It just seems like no matter what I do, nothing improves.",Suicidal +11465,I am ready I am not doing this shit anymore Date set,Suicidal +9988,"So I met this girl on tinder 1 1/2 years . We became friends with benefits because as an attractive man I run into a lot of women who only likes me for my looks but breaks up with me because my depression is so bad. And to mention between us two I was the more attractive one and she leaned more towards average. I was 22 when we met and she was 18. I enjoyed her intelligence and could look past the obvious difference in attractiveness. She took the time to understand my mental health and stuck by me through my issues. I also help her with her family issues because her father was emotionally abusive and her mother is classified as psychotic but refuses help. As time went on we became increasingly involved with each other romantically and sexually which we both always consented to. My mother kicked me out so I wanted to get an apartment and she offered to be my roommate because she could not handle her father any longer. We finally got the apartment and it was like a dream come true we were always happy and barely argued and had more sex than we could even imagine. We adopted a kitten and I worked over night at Lowes as mst so I could barely stay awake to take care of the chores. And when I would be awake I would finally relax and play the Xbox for a little. She did not have a job and was paying rent with unemployment checks. Once unemployment ended I had to take care of the bills untill she could find a job 2 months later. I helped her start a tarot business and that brought in no where close to the amount required for rent. Though I still supported her even after also paying late fees. So when it comes to my depression and suicidal thoughts its random and the only way Id cope is by making music , gaming and smoking weed. Her grandpa caused me to lose my job because he would always drop me off late even though I was paying him . So I was coping with this failure with my usually vices while she finally was hired . But I did not get the same support I displayed for her when she did not have a job . Music was paying the rent until my song was stolen by bk the rula. So I was in the deepest void that I have ever been in because this apartment was my first attempt at independence. She usually took acid at least 3 times a month for meditative reasons and suggested that I should try it because someone said it helps with depression and self realization. I was skeptical so I did not take it until 2 months later. She planned on taking it at the same time so I finally consumed it. The problem is she did not take hers and went to bed. I did not know this and began feeling the effects. At first it was pleasant and gave me this feeling of joy and an unwavering arousal. But then things took a really bad turn . I owned color changing led lights and the walls felt like they were closing in on me. All i could think about was killing myself; nothing felt real thus convincing me that if I died nothing would matter or be concrete. I started punching myself and trying to rip out my hair. Then for some reason the flashing light got faster and increasingly vivid. I felt as if I was falling into my mattress while dying 1000 different ways in my mind but my thoughts felt like reality. Nothing existed but my sad scarred soul. I finally convinced my broken mind to get up and ask her for help . I was gripping the sheets trying to find something that felt real or I would have surely slit my own throat. Of course the feeling of arousal never left because that was the first reaction I received after consuming the substance. So her being the only woman I was intimate with I always felt comfort in her breasts and she has always consented prior to this incident. So for sum reason while under the influence I felt that her Boob was the most concrete thing in my reality so I held it while being the big spoon. She instantly told me to back off so I got up and left immediately feeling shame loneliness. I felt meaningless and was convinced that I was truly alone and should not exist. I lost my mind in my room until I passed out. The next morning I was finally coming down and was beyond traumatized. I spoke to her and explained what happened but all she could focus on is how she was traumatized from me holding her boob. I reminded her that we shared a bed every other day and that cuddling like that is a normal occurrence because we loved each other and pretty much was dating without a label. She finally seen it from my side and understood how scary it might have been for me. She held me and told me she was sorry and that she should have noticed what was going on.she offered to have sex to make me feel better but I declined because I am not into sexual pity. Also my depression has extremely increased since I have took the acid. The next morning I woke up and she was gone. She just abandoned the apartment and left me with the cat and half of my property was locked in her room. She did not come back until the last day and told everyone in my family and her friends that I sexually assaulted her. I was hurt and confused because I was left with a kitten and was losing my apartment that I worked so hard for. I paid for everything in there all she owned was a few things in her room. And to say I sexually assaulted her is a defamation to my image and character because I have never forced myself upon her .so I was angry , heart broken and betrayed so I attempted suicided by slicing down my wrist with a razor and the razor was pretty much half way lodged into my wrist . My mom found me before I could bleed out and rushed me to the er. When I got back home I got into the locked room grabbed all my things and sum evidence (her diary that she started when we first moved in) and left with my kitten. Till this day she will not talk to me and is telling people I sexually assaulted her . Am I in the wrong ? The experience in that room full of lights still replays in my head and haunts me to this day . My friend who was once raped twice in the Dominican Republic says that this situation does not count as sexual . Can anyone give me advice on how to cope or what should I say to her or if I should take legal action? This would have never happened if I did not believe her and took the acid as a cure for depression. I was stupid for being so nave but therapy does not work and I am not up to taking any man made medications anymore . I just wanted to feel normal for once but I ended up feeling worse than when i started.Sorry for any misspelling and grammatical errors. My fwb/roommate betrayed me and claims I sexually assaulted her but I do not think I did, and I still love her. This caused me to lose my first apartment.help!",Suicidal +17656,One day everyone that loves me will forget about me and one I will just kill myself. It has been in my mind for a while I just wanted to write this. I am that guy that gets left behind and forgotten,Suicidal +17987,"Everything I do is a farce and, a pathetic attempt to make up for how I hurt the people who trusted me. I have been suicidal since I was 10 and should have been dead well before now. I am considering buying a gun and ending it. It will be one last time of hurting others, one last failure on my part to them. But I cannot stick around only to commit even more wounds and betrayals. I am well overdue to be dead.",Suicidal +13519,I am so over everything. I just want everything to be over. Why did I have tonfukin wake up again,Suicidal +24389,"I will try to make this short. I have terrible social anxiety and depression. I am addicted to Xanax but have not used since February. My parents just today found out I will be obtaining more very soon. They do not like this because of the issues its caused when used improperly. we have had a rough few years because of this aspect of things. I abused it and caused a real shit show for everyone. My social anxiety is the reason I have no friends and no real relationships besides my close family. I am non functioning. I need the right dose of a benzo to be functional. In response to finding my plan out, my mother cancelled my government subsidized phone plan, changed the wifi password, and told me I need to be out in a week. My mental health is fucking terrible and I have already wanted to die for a while, but have never been willing to go all the way. Now that life is going to be x100 harder than it already is I just cannot continue on. I am currently changing clothes at least a couple times a day due to anxiety sweating. What am I going to do homeless, just sit in my own puddle? Life is miserable already. Throw homelessness in and it is complete hell. I am done trying. At soon as I am on the streets, I am going to go buy a few fentanyl pills, then go into the woods and take a bunch of Xanax and then the fentanyl. it will be like going to sleep. I truly believe I will finally be happy when I am dead. it will be like a weight lifted off my shoulders. going to be homeless, I am done",Suicidal +14566,I really need to talk to someone. I am still struggling through my first heartbreak and I do not see I will survive it if I do not have anyone to talk to and no I am not being dramatic and tell me to call a hotline you might as well finish me yourself. Heartbroken,Suicidal +19889,I am the battered life-raft everyone else seems to be clinging to...and I am sinking.I am fucking done. Lost on the open sea of nightmares...,Suicidal +13576,"Lost my friend who was keeping me hanging because she thinks I am ""toxic"" now I do not know how to feel /g /neg Feeling like shit",Suicidal +20737,"So Ill preface the below by telling you I am okay, and sorry for how jumbled or confusing my thoughts may come across.Also the part that refers to being in pain. I suffer from chronic pain and doctors have given up looking for why and are just trying different drug after different drug to try and manage pain while also keeping me lucid enough to function.I am afraid of intimacy, this is two counts.One sexual intimacy, I cannot do it or images doing it because of what happened to me when I was young.Two I have had so many adults (almost all male) betray my trust. I was beaten by my siblings I was neglected by my parents. I feel that I do not let anyone see me the broken boy because its weekness to need others to trust others.Even all history aside friends tell me to let them know if I need anything, in society this mean jack shit. Not because that is peoples intention but because people are busy and self absorbed, you cannot expect a friend to drop everything to be there for you to have the tough convos.All I can think of is I cannot burden these people with my shit, who wants to hear there friend say that they want to kill them selves?That is also the reason I do not kill myself I cannot put people I care about through that trauma.Tonight I felt like killing myself, I am in pain I am loosing the last of my savings. I am addicted to caffeine and food especially the sugary fatty stuff like chocolate.I decided that I would go to the beach and look at the cold front, waves and wind. I wanted to feel something but felt nothing. I then tried another beach and decided last minute to clime a near by hill that had some old war time stairs up to an old lookout that was meant to spot ships during the war.I thought the higher I go the more wind, the better the view and maybe Id feel something.I have seen these stairs before and I know I am unfit and fat (those are truths). I see the stairs and think to myself well Ill either get to the top or Ill die (its the least worse way to hurt or try to kill oneself)I got half way and the tightened chest and heavy breathing/gasping for air that I am familiar with starts and my legs are shaky (there is a musical joke to be made there).I know how to control my breathing by being intentional, which you know you learn is also helpful when trying to escape bad thoughts ( that whole thing about opening the brain back up to deal with stuff instead of the closed brain fight or flight stuff).So I was very distracted, by my chest hurting and breathing being hard. I sat for two seconds looked at what I imagine was a good view, but I could not care and went back down to the car, being intentional about the steps down, knowing my legs are like jelly and brain no work good with less oxygen.By now I do not want to get hurt, I forgot about wanting to die. Once back at home I continued to cough and wheeze for some time. A different pain was refreshing. It was good to be able to have my mind on something else for a change.I am worried about the future, I always kind of am. Except when with friends but you cannot be with friends all the time, they have family and little ones to look after.Its hard to say I know how I am, what is me and what is the distractions I have to avoid being me or recognising myself and how broken I am.With all that what is the future for me, it is probably pain, hopefully wait loss and as long a life as I am allowed. Will I be happy I do not know, Ill have happy moments with friends.With this pain and my limitations what do I do. Is there no more purpose but to bring joy to my friends where I can and try to be a solid male/adult role model for my friends little ones.What do I accept? and what do I try to change?I usually keep these in my note pad and it goes no further but tonight I just feel like I want to be seen, even if its just one person.But this is the internet where jo one is owed anything. A Monday night",Suicidal +9305,I do not know where to askI've been struggling with suicide thoughts lately (I get professional help so I am okay) Yesterday when I was cleaning my apartment I found an note where I wrote about my suicide thoughts and an suicide letter to it as well. Somehow I got scared when I read it. I know it was my thoughts I wrote and I was in a very dark place when I wrote that. But it scared me somehow. I threw the note away and the letter. But I wonder is weird that I got scared when I read the note? Is this strange?,Suicidal +26363,How to control my mind? I was afraid when cook and see knife. My mind keep telling me to suicide . Tried to doing anything to distract my mind but did not work. My mind mess up,Suicidal +21563,"So my sister is in town visiting me and my dad. she is 38 and her and her bf just bought a $500,000 house in the Denver suburbs, and all she is talked about with my dad is her renovations on her house. She knows everything I am going thru and that I am depressed and suicidal. She has not once asked me how is my life going, what I am going thru, and the problems I deal with. Its all about her life. If your life is not going all great and is not cherries and roses, people , even family, do not want to talk about you. Fuck this world and the people in it The realization that even those that seem to or are suppose to care, do not",Suicidal +21243,I am just a slave at this point I cannot do this shit anymore I am working 6 days a week again,Suicidal +17743,"Hi. My friend has clearly stated that they were planning to commit suicide. I do not know them IRL. I have just met them recently because of a post where they were talking about how they wanted to end it all. I am incredibly scared and I have no idea how to help.I would talk to my parents, but they do not know that I have Reddit and they would probably care more about that than the fact that someone was going to fucking die. I do have a counselor that I can talk to, but I am not sure if they would even be able to help.I am not sure what to do from here. If there are any resources I can use to help them, please let me know. My friend needs help",Suicidal +7536,Just want to know Can I Od on concerta if so how much do i need to take,Suicidal +9158,"Today after my run, I sat near a lake, and just started crying and thought to myself, I cannot go on, I have had enough, and why and how and should I be saved Feel like I have had enough",Suicidal +12467,"I am doing it tonight. I am ending my life. I am confident that I will not bitch out. All I have left to do now is take the pills and lie down in bed. I might play some music or something, maybe it will make it more peaceful. I will not write a note, nobody will care to read it anyway. I am planning to funish off this bottle of vodka, and if anyone feels like talking. I would like to have someone to talk to as I dri mk. Thank you. Getting drunk part 2",Suicidal +26590,gives a fuck Nobody,Suicidal +22632,I want to die so bad I want to die,Suicidal +8322,"I cannot do it anymore. I am overcome with grief, shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. Everyday for a very long time I have been sinking deeper and deeper into hopelessness and despair to the point where I cannot even control how I behave in public. I am such a fucking piece of shit. I want to die so bad. I cannot stand seeing people woth relatively healthy brains. My whole life has been so fucked up from childhood through adulthood. I am done. DONE. I have become such a sick fuck. I do not even know why I am posting this. I literally cannot go another day. I have been saying that everyday for some time now. Everything I used to love and believe in has died inside of me. I have already spiritually died. I need to physically die now. It just gets worse every fucking day",Suicidal +19879,"Some girls where making fun of me in class today, I did not notice at first but when I did they started whispering to each other and laughing at me. They were obviously mocking me mocking my hair( I have ""long"" curly hair and it is a bit messy). Why? I never did nothing to them. I do not even know them. I am extremely antisocial. Things like this just make me feel worst than I already feelSorry for my broken English, it is not my first language Why are ppl so mean?",Suicidal +11168,does anyone else feel like death is the only way for peace. I feel like everyday i wake up i just suffer with panic attacks and feeling like I am dying. I cannot live like this anymore.. I am scared of everything.. death is peace,Suicidal +23641,"there is really not much to say or anything that will change how my mind feels.. i just truly do not feel like i matter, that is all. I cannot help but feel like i really do not matter",Suicidal +11131,"A combination of fish oil and antidepressants reduced the amount of suicidal thoughts that I experience. However I still doubt than keeping alive is the best course of action. Since 2015 I am battling mental illness, and it is an uphill battle to experience so much apathy and abulia/avolition.I feel like a vegetable, I eat because my mom prepares me food, otherwise I do not know if I would eat. I am 37 and I used to be healthy. I have known the good life, and this is not it. My life seems complete at this point, and why not to go already?Getting older like this seems like a burden. I just hope to save up at least 10k EUR for euthanasia in Switzerland, just in case. Sometimes I try to come up with reasons to stay alive, but I do not enjoy being alive any longer, each day is like a grind, and I wonder what to keep living for.On the other hand, I am still fascinated that I am alive. Like, it is very weird to be able to exist, and have a body, and talk with other beings over internet... Less suicidal thoughts. Death still sounds blissful",Suicidal +23658,"what is the point of playing this sick game called life we are all going to die anyway nothing matters, why the fuck should i continue to suffer and deal with all the bullshit life throws at me on a daily basis. what a joke",Suicidal +13754,"I do not think I have depression, but every time I feel said, I have suicidal thoughts. I have ocd, and that restricts me to do what normal teenagers, my parents have been putting too much pressure on me, like they try to force me to do what I am not comfortable doing, like for instance going to dinner, yes, that is a big problem for me because I just cannot fathom the idea of leaving the house during the evening, because when I get home Ill take an hour shower and use a whole bar of soap to rinse off all the germs. Yes, I have been getting better, slowly, but progress is progress, and that is what my parents do not realize. Just the weight of it all is killing me. Every time I cry, I think of overdosing on my prescriptions, I almost did it too, one time I took out all my prescriptions, I counted 64 pills in total, and as I was going to take the first half, I stopped and realize that I am actually scared and that I do not want to die. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +25847,"I had everything ready to go, and my note was already sitting on the table of the hotel room I was in. I was stuck on a vacation with my family who does not care about my well being and would care less if anything bad happened to me. I got into a huge argument with my mom at universal studios because her boyfriend kept talking about gun violence and how he would shoot me dead if he could because I am trans. She took his side over mine because it was a joke. I left the park early and she yelled at me for being a waste of time, energy, and money. Honestly I agree with her. I self harmed a little bit once I got back to release the pressure from the argument and then I prepared to take my life in the hotel. I would have done it any other day but there is something so cathartic about self harming that I had a major migraine and I was exhausted. So I took everything down and ripped up my note and took a nap. I am not sure if that is a sign but maybe when I get back home Ill do it since that is a more appropriate setting. I was too tired to kill myself today.",Suicidal +37245,my life is meaningless i just want to end my life so badly my life is completely empty and i dont want to have to create meaning in it creating meaning is pain how long will i hold back the urge to run my car head first into the next person coming the opposite way when will i stop feeling jealous of tragic characters like gomer pile for the swift end they were able to bring to their lives,Suicidal +17929,"For everyone who does not live in the Netherlands, a dutch crime reporter called Peter R de vries has been shot a week ago and died today, I feel bad for his family, his friends and all his co-workers.He did the best things ever like finding people who murdered young kids and always being there for their grieving parents, he also crowdfunded millions of euros for someone knowing what happened to a missing girl.He did not deserved to be shot, if there is someone who deserves to be shot, it will be me.I was extremely cruel to animals between the age of 4 and 11, I almost killed a bunch of newborn kittens at the age of 5, I bullied little kids 6 years younger than me at age of 11 and my life sucks anyway by dealing with being bullied for being fat and ugly mostly in high school and currently on the streets and having a dad with alzheimer's who has treated me like shit, if I was there in Amsterdam with Peter R de vries I would have jumped in front of him so the bullet would have hit me instead of him because he did not deserved it, he is a good person.Not me, I am the scum of the earth and deserve a bullet between my eyes. Why the fuck do good people always die earlier than bad people like me? I have been suffering from my mistakes and my life right now and I am a psychopath living with depression. I do not blame my high school bullies and strangers on the streets for calling me fat and ugly because they are right. I am the biggest mistake ever, ugly and cruel.If I could give my life to let Peter live, I would do it. Dutch crime reporter Peter R de vries did not deserve to die, but I do",Suicidal +18869,I am struggling to find reasons to live. Every waking moment is hell. It never gets better. It gets worse and worse.why is it always me? Is this the world's way of telling me I need to just.. bite the bullet and do it? I feel like I am losing my mind. I cannot cope. I cannot handle the thoughts of what happened.. what he did. I am so lost. I am so beat. Is there another way out? I so desperately want to die esp after what happened,Suicidal +22487,"Suicide is not a stupid idea to do, I hate how there is this social norm of suicide is a bad thing to do. Well I think not, it takes guts just to off yourself. Ever since this pandemic happen my mental mindset went down hill. The thought of disappearing is in my mind sometimes but I do not have the will power to follow through my action. Venting",Suicidal +23706,"I do not really know how else to title this other than, I really just am struggling to live. I want to die so badly, but not at home where my family can find me. But it is not because I care about their well-being (well except from my brother and my niece). I know what would happen if my mom found my corpse. ""I do not know why she did it, she was so *happy*. I was such a *good* mother.""I am not happy. And you were not a good mom.I hate myself, I hate my life. I am so ready to finally kill myself, but I do not want to because a mess or anything for someone else to clean up. that is why I am not going to actually do anything.Nothing brings me joy or pleasure. Everyone uses me. I am never going to be really loved by anyone. The only time I was loved was by my abusive ex boyfriend, R. At least, it *felt* like love. Then every other relationship has been just as bad. I get all stupid because someone tells me they love me and I am special.As it stands, I am trying so hard to live and try to make it to the next week. I am not hopeful, but I am still forcing myself to get up and exist. It feels like labor. Thank God for Studio Ghibli. Hayao Miyazaki's work is the only thing keeping me going. That probably sounds stupid, but it is the one thing that helps me think that maybe if I hold on for tomorrow I could also be happy.I am not going to kill myself right away or even this year. But I wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks in advance for reading. I am struggling to live.",Suicidal +10797,"Please do not give up! there are better times ahead for everyone!Life is full of different twists and turns, but if you keep hopeful, we can make it through! Never give up! Suicide has no take backs, it is not the answer! The world is so beautiful, just open your eyes and take a deep breath, and believe in yourself! Believe that you are strong enough to get past this dark spot of your life, because you are! I believe in you. You can do this, stay positive everyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you! Never give up! To all those reading this! I hope you have a wonderful day!",Suicidal +12321,"What else am i supposed to do? I am done i do not want to speak anymore i do not want to write my shit down anymore and i do not want to think anymore.I am 17 and done i have seen everything there is to see in life i have felt everything and experienced everything.The only thing left is death, the last kind of pain i have not experienced.And tbh i think its time, waiting is no more, waiting is a lie.My fingers going to meet the trigger and my brain the bullet.I layed put plastic sheets everywhere, so its going to be a quick clean up for who ever needs to clean this.do not even have anyone to say goodbye to, pathetic. There is nothing to say",Suicidal +8292,"I was going up to make food but then I just put it all away. I do not even have energy for it. Not even to make eggs which takes few mins. I am an ugly male , objectively. Ugliness is not subjective when truly ugly is what many cheesey normies fail to realize. I have severe depression, ill be a loner virgin forever. I do not want to work. I am a slave to money then I die. I only sorta have video games but its also getting boring. Everything is boring. I really wish I had the courage because I would be dead if I did there is no point id rather be dead",Suicidal +23874,The last 2 weeks have been so hard. I do not think I can continue. My stomach looks like a chess board covered in blood. I do it on my chest because its harder to find. I have 1 reason so live and that is it. And so many more not to. I cannot go on anymore,Suicidal +15951,"Dear family, I love you so much. I really do not want to die. I am just only still here because of you and a few fun things that happen between what feels like attacks from hell every time I feel better.Life is not fair. Yes, I am well aware of that. Why do people say things like that? do not they realize I straight up do not want to live in an unfair world?I would rather die than give up my ideals of how I know life is supposed to be I will not go to any doctors who push pills while society shames people who take those pills.I am in my 30s and I thought when I first considered suicide at 9 years old, that things would be better by now.I believe in God, and I hope he is merciful and understands that while I do my best to be grateful for the many things I do have, my brain just hurts. It hurts mostly from stress. It hurts from the stress of an unfair world of mental anguish poverty causes. It hurts from a world of non-constructive criticism and blame.It hurts from Reddit. If I were ever to suddenly commit S, it would be because of Reddit.Selective mod rule enforcement, cruel callous mods and extreme, extreme bigotry against religious people, particularly those of abrahamic faiths.Before I go, I truly hope to see legislation enforce a bill of digital rights, as so much of our lives now happen online, with or without our consent.it is my dream to see people be held accountable for the hell they inflict on others.I am exhausted from trying to feel better. Death is the dog that chases me while I run with a bad leg.Shitty politicians do not even allow pain control via legal means, instead criminalizing or scheduling all euphoric substances while promoting antidepressants with black label warnings. I feel it is only a matter of time, with so many odds stacked against me.",Suicidal +26538,"I created a reddit account just to have some place to talk to. I am a lower-middle class white kid, i live at home with 2 parents both with jobs. I have mediocre grades and a job. Why the fuck are not I happy??I strive for these things, but when i get them i still do not feel full at the end of the day. I have felt like I am in a loop for weeks maybe months now, I have been considering suicide more than ever. I do not hate my body, I do not hate other people, all i want is to step out of this never ending feeling. Being bi-polar has never helped my case, I am just really really tired yknow? there is no point I do not even know",Suicidal +8784,Am I seriously asking for that much? I only want those things and nothing more. I just want to die and be forgotten,Suicidal +21283,I cannot explain how tired I am of feeling this way. I feel like I am trapped. If I commit suicide then all it will do is hurt people. If I stay I will continue to be hurt. When is it supposed to get better,Suicidal +14023,"I cannot get a grip (: I have wasted everyone is time, and fucked everything up. No more, thanks. The Big Sleep. Soon.",Suicidal +7496,"Because it is ""too easy to find a gf"" ? No it is not. Maybe for you. Not for me. Not for a lot of people I bet.I will do it anyway. Because as you get older its even harder. what is the point of living if you cannot get anything you want? Why should not I be depressed over being a virgin that cannot find a gf?",Suicidal +21652,"Think about, when I am happy, it is just chemicals in my brain.When I am angry, it is just chemicals in my brain controlling my emotions. When I am embarrassed, it is just chemicals in my brain dictating my emotionsI could go on forever.Why live if my all my feelings are dictated by something that does not have to deal with them?Sorry if this does not belong here I might delete it later. I just realized, all I am is a slave to chemicals in my brain",Suicidal +14113,"Hello, I am calling because I would like to speak with whoever is in charge of life?I think mine is broken, I do not want to be a bother and ask for a refund, but I do think I am going to cancel my subscription. I have tried all the troubleshooting tips on your help page; therapy, socializing, antidepressants, getting hobbies, finding a job, even cutting or alcohol. I am regretting my purchase and it is looking to be more trouble than it was worth. Everything hurts all the time and nothing makes it stop, so this is the last thing I want to try. If you could direct me to someone who could help me cancel my subscription, I would be very thankful.Thanks in advance, and thank you for your time. I would appreciate it if the pain would stop now please.",Suicidal +24457,"First reddit post and the only one I think I will ever make, I do not know what to do anymore or who to go to. Even making this post just feels like throwing words into a void but, anyway. I hate myself. Self hatred has been a issue I have had for about a year, half a year some shit like that. I realized who I was awhile ago and how much of a horrible person I am, made promises I never fulfilled and just fucked over alot of people, was a shitty friend and just person all around. After realizing what I did I had a absolute fucking breakdown and really went off the deep end. After that and when I was in a better mindstate I thought I was a better person automatically, did not really take time and work on myself and went through this shit once again, being back to my old self and being what I swore I was not anymore once again. I am working on myself, but I do not think I will ever fully be able to forgive myself for everything I have done. I can learn from past mistakes and learn from who I have been and be a better person and actually try, but i cannot forgive myself, not yet at least. I have felt nothing but rage towards myself recently and I think I am bordering the edge of another bad breakdown. I am lowkey scared of myself and who I am and what I became, I have been considering suicide quite a bit but I do not think its something I can bring myself to do, I will feel incomplete with my work and everything I stand for. Essentially I hate myself and want to do but feel that my purpose is incomplete. I do not know man that is about it, see ya rage.",Suicidal +8927,"title says it all. I am not like actively suicidal of anything but I am kind of tired of never being interested anything. I also dislike the idea of having to work my ass off just to survive when I do not even enjoy being here. Id like to try a new place. I do not believe in afterlife, but even if there was a place where Id go after I die, it cannot be any worse than this can it? I am tired of here and Id like to try a new place",Suicidal +11996,"I am barely holding on. The only reason I make it through each night is because I tell myself that the option to kill myself will always be there tomorrow. Since I was 17 years old, I have been dealing with what my doctor thinks is narcolepsy. I sleep all day and no amount of sleep makes me feel well rested. It feels like torture. I cannot afford to get the necessary sleep study to get it treated because I cannot hold down a full time job because of the amount of sleep I need each day. I just want to die to escape this hell. I am also in an abusive relationship that I do not have the energy to leave. He makes me feel bad any time I show any emotion or express how much I am suffering. It feels like I have no where to turn. Really the only comfort I have right now is that that option will always be there for me when I cannot take it any more I get through every night by telling myself that it will always be an option tomorrow",Suicidal +24887,"it is been a long fucking 23 year shitshow. been abused multiple times, had lies told about me. almost had my entire life ruined by my own family. thought things were getting better. moved, started college. now everything hit the fucking fan. first, my mom's car stopped working, leaving us with no transportation. now she has to spend loads of money just to take a fucking uber to work and back. we will not be able to afford the rent this saturday. she said i would need to get a job and help. I am enrolled full time in summer classes and am absolutely swamped by schoolwork each week. so I am giving up. I am tired. i want my rest. i hate to leave the few people who give a shit, like my boyfriend, behind but i cannot see myself making it through 2021, much less the rest of the summer. goodbye world, thanks for dealing me a shit hand. tired, been struggling too long. giving up this week",Suicidal +18534,"I cannot fucking do this anymore. I do not know who I am. I do not know what I am alive for. I do not know why everyone around me seems to love me and praise me. I do not know why I feel so lonely, every single fucking night of my life, even though I have so many friends and family supporting me at every passing moment.I do not understand this. I do not understand any of this. I cannot love myself. I have tried. I have tried to forgive my actions, because everyone does things they regret. But I cannot forgive myself. I want to punish myself. And the only punishment good enough for me is ending my life.Everything's spinning around me. I cannot focus. I do not know what is happening to me. What happened to that happy little boy who never cried? What happened to the carefree adolescent who ignored the trauma he had been through, and forgot everything?Why did the memories have to return? I am scared that every night it will happen again. she will come into my room and rape me again, with a knife to my throat this time so I cannot fight back. Why was I so weak before? Why could not I fight her off before? Why did I let it happen for three years straight?I have caused my parents to hate each other. Divorce is a common word thrown around the house, and I honestly want them. They despise each other, even if they try to hide it. some days I wake up at 4 AM to hear them screaming, only ending when one of them leaves the house. I have split my entire friend group into two. All because of a mistake I made, which everyone has forgiven me for. But if they really forgave me, they would not be doing this. They would not be split even now. I cannot do thisThese people, ALL these people would be better off without me. My head is hurting so much. I cannot sleep. I hear my sister downstairs, maybe I will watch some TV with her. I would like to finish the show we are watching together before I die.But then again... is it really worth spending your last moments watching TV with the girl who raped you? I am at my fucking limit",Suicidal +8364,"I cannot be comfortable anywhere anymore. At my shitty customer service job all that ever happens is that I get is yelled at. At my rented house my shitty roommate bullies me because hes a fucking douche. At my dads house all he does is yell at me because he cannot control his anger over his money issues but has the audacity to dismiss my mental health issues. Everyone I go I have pain and there is no escape.No one will ever love me. No one will ever care about me. I have no talents. I am a failure. I deserve this pain. I want to die so bad, I am just a too much of a coward to do anything. I do not have anywhere to go",Suicidal +11080,I just need to know that it works. We will see. Next Thursday we will find out. I have a date and a plan,Suicidal +7243,i feel so lost so i took 1000mg of metropozol let us see what happens hmm help me,Suicidal +14704,i simply cannot convince myself not to do it anymore. it is taking up the majority of my headspace. all. the. time. still closer,Suicidal +13753,I got this idea when I kept rerolling my account in a gacha game to make sure I get the best starting roster possibleWhenever I get a bad roll (bad family) I just throw that account away (kill myself) and start a new one until I got a really overpowered unit I will give my story if you all want it Is it fair if I killed myself and hope I am born into a better home? And keep killing myself until it is successful,Suicidal +13437,"I hate my life so much. No social life till 27, like back in the days of kindergarden, our teacher literally begged other children to at least try to befriend me and not exclude me from all their activities. And still got marginalized, had 0 friends, got bullied a lot. But still was a cheerful person till i moved out of my parents house and went to uni.And when things started to turn for the better, guess what? Covid happened. Isolation again. The fact that i live in a literally shit country (romania) made it even worse. What hurts me the most is the impossibility to find a romantic partner. Tried every dating app possible, went to every social event after restrictions were lifted, literally trying hard to check all the boxes and no success. Not a single chance.Also tried therapy/counselling. did not help at all. One can tell me "" do this do that and you will eventually find someone"". I just cannot do it , I am too menrally exhausted to try it anymore and i feel I am condemned to live this both dream and nightmare stuff called life- dream because every other aspect in my life is on point and going absolutely perfect. But there is this social aspect that gives me suicidal thoughts every day.The only thing i can do is being an aggressive troll on the internet. If i said something bad to/about you, sorry i did not mean it. it is the unending frustratiin that speaks for me. Sometimes i wish i had a terminal disease and know I will certainly die very soon",Suicidal +7913,"I do not want to die but i want to live even less, so the best option i have is to end this i think. I am just a bit worried about my girlfriend and what will happen to her :[ I just want it to stop",Suicidal +24378,I feel like I am out staying my welcome. Someone kill me. Need to die,Suicidal +37138,"RT @hankrsmith: Breaking off a serious relationship and saying, “I still want to be close friends” is like saying, “The dog is dead, but I…",Suicidal +7089,Have to tie up a few things. Final blow came today. I am done. I survived an attempt over a year ago and since then things have got considerably worse. I cannot manage myself in this world. I cannot do the things other people do. I do not understand the tricks people do to get along. it is not mental illness. it is this place. I hate it. I always did.I love you all. Over and out. Checking out,Suicidal +22512,"I have felt panic about being old and aging since I was 17. I feel like I am constantly suffering a midlife crisis and now I am 32, single, female, but now I have got bags under my eyes, gaining weight from psych meds. No Family, shit career as an artist, totally broke.I still want to have fun and be carefree and have sex and party but my body just cannot keep up anymore. I do not even know what else I enjoy. People my age are all busy with their careers and kids and families, so the only people i socialize with regularly are so much younger and it just makes me feel ancient.I do not know what to do anymore I feel so old",Suicidal +18612,"I believe that what you are going through is unimaginably hardI understand, its not your faultI believe you when you say you are not being like this on purpose, you are not doing all this to just get attentionI believe when you say you have tried, you are trying, you have tried to get help, and you are fighting to get better.I believe youI believe in youI believe you have so much worthYou have so much potentialYou are enough, you are beautiful and strongYou are deserving of loveYou are deserving of joyYou are deserving of light, of lifeI believe in you always I believe you",Suicidal +21941,Started cutting myself again just to feel the blood running. All i wanted was to get something to eat today all I can smell is all these fancy restaurants and all I see is happy people having fun. I wish I could man up and slit my wrists for good. I know it would be at least a few days if not a week until someone even bothered to see where I was. Done,Suicidal +11197,I am a fatass. I am a whale. a pig. i do not deserve food and i do not deserve to be here.. i want to see my mama again but i do not deserve to see her either. i do not fucking deserve anything. (tw: eating disorder) i do not deserve to be here..,Suicidal +8494,"It has become nearly impossible for me to relate to the normal things that other people have and take for granted everyday. I do not feel human anymore because I cannot relate to or connect with anything that people say anymore. All I see is everyone elee living their lives while I have been stuck in the same position for years with no help. Whenever I see a couple togerher it really effects me because I have never had anything like that and I realized that other people do not care what you are goinf through, as long as they feel good they are content to ignore you. I am almost 29 now and I have never been in a real relationship in my life. People have always treated me differently. I watched as the years went by and everyone else in my family found a partner and got married. While other people found love I was here alone and I still am.This entire situation has had a terrible impact on my mental state. These days all I find myself doing is wasting the road at it my limited time and sleeping. When everyone else talks about their interests and hobbies all I can think of is oh that is nice, I wish I could afford to go out and do fun things. But since I do not have any money I can only have hobbies that are free such as writing and reading. It saddens me to no end how other people are held above us and used as a form of social capital. Its unreal how much those in power have completely ruined the natural interactions that humans used to have. Almost every single way that people interact these days is twisted and unnatural. Humans were never meant to live this way, but for some reason we continue to, day after day, much to our own dismay. Sometimes I feel this world is nothing but a nightmare when I think about the past and how people used to act. People were not always this way, but they act like there is no other alternative or other ways to live. All of these things going on within society and the interactions between us have caused my heart to become harder over the years. I used to be a sensitive person who felt a range of emotions and I used to be able to get excited about things. Now I feel like a broken person, I do not feel much anymore except extreme despair and sadness which eventually feels like nothing after a while. It is great how everyone else gets to continue to live their lives and experience all these things that people take for granted, while my life declines and gets worse everyday. Every day just gets worse for me. Every day is more suffering",Suicidal +21744,"I am tired of this dysphoria; wanting to be born in a different body. I am tired of hating my scars but I would not have had to cut myself if this world was not so shitty. I am tired of feeling responsible for my mothers death. I am tired of these flashbacks. I am tired of having so many triggers. I am tired of being constantly dissociated; I feel non-living, I wish that was true. I am tired of being scared all the damn time. I am scared of worrying about being happy because what will happen next. I am tired of these attachment & abandonment issues. I am so tired of.. everything. I am tired of this.",Suicidal +20297,"If I am being honest, I feel like everyone in the world these days has been at least somewhat ""blackpilled"" to the horrors of reality and the physical chasm of hell we live in. But there are many who simply do not have the faculties to give a fuck about it, or do not have the sort of intellectual capacity to understand it, and therefore it does not affect them. Because of their ignorance or ""stupidity"" they are free, free to operate and live in their stupidity and are impervious to the horrors of real life because they are just not fully there. I wish I could be that way. Awareness and consciousness is really a curse. When I see degenerate pieces of shit wreaking havoc on the world by any means to gain pleasure, I almost envy them because I know they will live out their lives getting closer to a hedonistic happiness than any actual rational person will. Being nice and having morals in this world will get you nowhere...you have to step all over others and compromise your integrity just to make it in this life. The only people that are truly happy are those who are both evil with power and do not give a fuck that they are, do not know that they are, or are too stupid to see the difference. If you have empathy...you are fucked. Emotions feel like a disease and life is a cruel joke. Ignorance is bliss.",Suicidal +21030,"i lost my best friend 3 days ago, who was also my reason to live. I have been avoiding my loneliness but I am slowly crumbling. he was the only person i talked to so now i have no one and nothing. i need someone to talk to, someone to act like they care even if they may not. they can talk about anything. i have no support in my life and i need distractions so i can make it to my next therapy appointment or until i find a psych ward to go to. i just want to feel like i have support even though i do not. i want to feel like someone cares about me again. my life is pathetic. i have nothing left",Suicidal +27099,"If it got to the point that you want to off yourself and nobody around you who it ""would hurt""(it will not most of them will stop giving a shit within minutes) gave a shit prior, fuck them let them know how much you truly hated them. Let them blame themselves for all the times they failed me. I have served my sentence in this shitty mental hell. Let them finish it for me. They say suicide pushes pain onto others. Fine by me",Suicidal +19688,I have been treated worse by mental health care workers than by anyone else in healthcare. So many leeches who would not give a shit if I put a bullet in my head tomorrow. I am almost $1000 in debt and they do not even pick up the phones for me to start paying. Office staff tend to be rude and uncaring and its almost $100 for a phone call that lasts less than 5 minutes. Why even go into mental health when you do not like dealing with mentally ill people? Id rather be dead than keep jumping through the hoops of mental health professionals,Suicidal +9002,"I have posted to this Subreddit before and I really did not want to post again but here we are.I am having progressively more suicidal thoughts ever so recently because of an incident. I do not want to reveal too much but I think I ruined a relationship with someone who I see as a mother figure and a friend of mine is making a big deal out of the situation, in my opinion. Another friend has also been affected by this and they mean alot to me.I do not know how to handle this situation right now, especially with my friend who is hurting alot. I just really feel like disappearing to everyone right now, no sign of me anywhere, I am just really tired and was wondering if I could have some advice. I hate asking for support but I need advice.",Suicidal +14256,"Hey you all. I read through this subreddit all the time looking for motivation? Or hope? Or I am not sure, but I cannot keep waking up everyday feeling like this. Not for 5 more hours and surely not for 50 more years. I currently work two jobs, one full time one part time I average 60-72 hours a week. I am 21 and burnt the fuck out. So this is where the cycle begins, let me take you through my thought process. I work two jobs so I can be closer to financial stability yea? So I can have the funds to save money AND afford my basic living needs as well as recreational wants (usually weed and concerts. Not too many clothes or fast food etc.) I just do not feel like this is a way to live.I am tired, my mental health is collapsing. I have no hobbies, because I do not stick with anything I start. Usually that is because I realize ""hey, there is no way to make money doing X"". Which means leaving a job to pursue a passion might be me shooting myself in the foot when hours drop at my main job (they usually drop for everyone in Q1, but that is 3 months that I would only be averaging 24-30 hours instead of 40 and that is a lot of money to someone living paycheck to paycheck). Why am I so worried about money? Because we live in a world where if you do not know what $60,000 piece of paper you want to go for at the age of 18 then you are already at a disadvantage. I am trying to find a healthy balance of realism and optimism, but whenever I go to older people for advice they just say ""you are young. This is the world, your eyes will open to more and you might not like what you see"".When I was 19 I worked 72 hours a week 5 days a week, and the other 2 days I was enrolled in community college for 18 credit hours. I had no days off. My days off I had school work. That only lasted a few months before my grades collapsed and I ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of WANTING to feel good about myself, actually starting to feel good, then life happens and I am worried about money. In the past 7 months I have switched medications and psychiatrists twice, been diagnosed with an STD, gotten fired because a job did not realize they hired me at 20 instead of 21, had my motorcycle stolen, lost my AC in my car, my apartment flooded last week and I had to have fans in my apartment for a full week which was annoying as I work 16 hour days, and at the end of a long day I would barely be able to sleep in my loud freezing cold apartment. I try not to downplay my truth, even if it is not as painful or awful as others because this is the life I have to live. I cannot compare my suffering to others to make myself feel better. And I know I do not have to live on my own, going home would save money but at this point my mental health is so shit that I feel like my independence is all I have. Take away my apartment and my car, I have nothing to work for. Nothing to live for. Yes I have loving friends and family but what is the point in being alive if it is for everyone and everything BUT me. What is wrong with me? At this point I am not even sure if it is an actual chemical imbalance, or if I am just waking up to the fact that this is real life, most humans cannot move up the ladder, and if I cannot ""control my reaction"" properly I will not enjoy my next 50 years on this planet. I am so tired of feeling like my shitty mental health is so profitable, that I am not meant to feel good in this life. My boyfriend and bestfriend are so worried because they do not think they can provide the help I need. I have been to psychiatric wards and our mental healthcare in America is a fucking joke. I wish crying in my car was an Olympic sport because I breakdown every other fucking week. I just cannot keep feeling like this. With all these overwhelming thoughts of the future, and not being able to forgive myself for the past.Not for 5 more hours. And surely not for 50 more years. stuck in a neverending loop of feeling inadequate because that is how I am/we are ""meant"" to feel 21f",Suicidal +25142,I am ready to end my life. I am honestly so close to making a noose out of my dogs leash. Trying to watch Conan to take my mind off it but I just cannot. And I cannot survive and go back to the hospital. I just cannot. I lied to my therapist today when she asked if I had things I can use to hang myself. I said I do not knowing full well that I do. I feel so incredibly guilty. I deserve to die. I want it to end,Suicidal +13454,"My wife does not love me or care about me anymore. Last night I was coughing because I went outside with our son and I have issues with the smog we have right now and she got mad at me for coughing, then I lost my wallet today and she was like well tough luck keep better track of your stuff. I mean she is not wrong about that but Its clear that she no longer gives a fuck.So I no longer have a reason to exist, and will crash my car into a barricade and die today. I thought I could win her back but nothing is working, she does not acknowledge any positive changes I make and just finds new things to get mad about.I give up, I cannot save this relationship and I have to die, today. I cannot get her to care about me anymore.",Suicidal +21134,I am curious what makes you guys get up every morning and keep fighting. What gives you hope?,Suicidal +23525,"i guess it is too late to chicken out now, I have got the thing all ready. i wish i had an actual reason to stay, nothing stupid like hope for the future. any reason to stick around? i think not",Suicidal +23045,its so hard living with this anxiety everyday i feel like I am struggling to survive. can barely breathe and feel like shit all the time. i just want this feeling to go away so i can feel normal again.. this is not a way to live.. i do not know how much more i can take :/ vent,Suicidal +14733,sometimes i really wish i had crap parents who do not care about me at all. it would allow me to kill myself without being guilty for taking their child away. i know i sound selfish and ungrateful but,Suicidal +12081,"We are in a predicament. did not think I would make it this far.This whole summer, I have held off on my responsibilities for school. Thinking that I would switch majors, drop out completely, or off myself. I have come to the conclusion that yeeting yourself out of this world is hard asf. Literally if there was a switch I would go. Painless and certain. I thought I tied up my lose ends by having my death just be a thing for my school to find out. I quit my job unprofessionally. I fear and hate work. Making mistakes and rejection is self sabotaging. Its unrealistic I know, but its the fact that I will be unable to maintain a job thus making me homeless. Lack of motivation to study and getting a new job. I am a choosing beggar at this point. Pretty pissed at myself for not being strong enough to go through with the many plans I maladaptively fantasize about. I really stand in awe as people my age have moved out, develop socially and intellectually, and have a good financial background. Smh I am just in my own world and when reality swings, it hits hard. I almost went through but the uncertainty of success/ a little bit in me that wants to survive. Well well well",Suicidal +23104,"I think I have C-PTSD and it is been having me going through non stop panic attacks since like 3 weeks ago. I am 21 Yo, I live in Venezuela and here is a real serious economical crisis so I cannot afford therapy by no means. cannot tell pretty much nobody about mi suicidal thoughts and tries because I live with my grandparents and they cannot really deal well with it, do not want to worry anyone, the only person that barely knows what I am going through is my 17 Yo GF. Yet I am afraid she steps away once she finds the suicidal mess I am. Just want some advice, I would also like to know a way to get economical support. Any help out there?",Suicidal +24377,"The first time I attemted suicide, the pills I took were not enough. The second time eather. Now I have 15 prescribed pills left, 0.25mg each of xannax.I kind of stole about 7 Halcion pills (triazolam) of 0.125mg And already drank about 2ml of clonazepam on drops(like 50 or 55 drops, not a lot) I have hope that that dosage will kill me, but I have a little suspicion that they will not end up killing me, just sleep me and be in peace for a couple hours. So please I beg, can someone tell me how many more of each I need to collect so when I drink it all it will actually kill me? If not, is there any other platform or subreddit I can go for help? Maybe if I mix it will alcohol? Would that help? I need help",Suicidal +25388,I really hope that is true and that time goes as fast as everyone says Someday you will look until the mirror and realise you are old,Suicidal +23049,"Even planning your suicide is exhausting. I have to go through my Phone and delete all of my accounts, messages, tie up all of my loose ends, I have to close my bank account, I have to write notes for every single person that matters to me to let them know that this is not their fault. I have to clean my room, wash my clothes so my mother does not have to clean up everything after me. I have to throw out past suicide notes I have written because they are not accurate anymore, I have to clean everything. Wash my sheets, make my bed. I have to think of where to go and how to do it, without hurting anyone. I do not want anyone to find me bloody, I do not want anyone to be traumatized, I do not want my mom to find me, or my little brother to find me. I do not want first responders to see a mess. I just want to die without dying I do not know what to do anymore. Everything is so exhausting. Every thought, every breath, its so exhausting and I am tired. I am tired. I do not feel as if Ill ever be accepted by my family or if life will ever be what I dreamt of it to be. Or if Ill ever escape this pain. Ill never have the relationship I so achingly long for with them. My past will always define me, I did not ask for this. Even planning your own suicide is exhausting.",Suicidal +8346,"it is been two weeks since I have been out of the hospital. I feel fantastic. I was hiding my feelings. I am a transgender man and I was not supported by my parents, but they finally educated themselves. And they respect me. I stood at the edge and I ran towards it, but I stopped. I thought, ""that is a steep drop. What if I fall? What if I fall and it lasts too long and I scream and what about the anticipation of waiting to die and *what if I do not actually ascend?*"" I sat down and called the cops. I spent 6 days in the hospital in the psych ward and I have been more open to myself about my feelings. I also realize that for me, suicide will not work because I will have to do all of this over again and that does not sound fun. They put me back on antidepressants, and ones that work real well. I feel fantastic. They worked like a charm. Sure I still have to deal with the crippling loneliness that my peers put me through but at least it is all tolorable again. :) Life is precious and I feel great",Suicidal +7752,"F*cking demons They call me lazy, while I am here holding myself not to kill myself",Suicidal +10886,"honestly, id really like to know. it sucks getting panic attacks even though you know you will be back next to your partner soon enough. how to cope with separation anxiety?",Suicidal +20285,"Recently I have been opening up about how I felt on different places and many people have told me I could possibly have depression/dysthymia and that it would be great for me to go to therapy.But I hesitate. I feel very hopeless. I do not know if therapy could actually help me. How is it like? Are therapists really able to understand?I would be very interested in your experiences with therapy while dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts in particular. In all honesty, has therapy helped you in any way with depression/dysthymia and/or suicidal thoughts?",Suicidal +11681,Tonight I feel deeply depressed and tired considering suicide due to autoimmune disease that causes physical disfigurement. I wish life would have been different. I wish I would never have born. Autoimmune disease and suicide,Suicidal +20552,"I have called the suicide hotline three times in my life. All three of those times, though through no fault of the caller, I have felt less listened to and heard than if I were to just ramble to my friends or internet strangers.'Active/Reflexive listening' is a good tool when people use it correctly, but what I have been met with when calling has been the basic 'I hear _' or 'you sound ___'. Yes, I appreciate your insight, but I do not need to be told my feelings when I want to slit my wrists while listening to my favorite songs as I black out from loss of blood. Does anybody else have this problem of eye-rolling when trying to seek help? I feel so selfish and frustrated at the same time. I have a therapist, but manic depression prevents me from caring about my meetings. I force myself to log on, put on a smile, and try to be insightful about my problems until nobody's eyes are on me again and I can take off my mask of mental health again into the faceless being I seem to be identifying with more and more. I am just so tired of everything. I am tired of human interaction in general. I do not know how to keep my energy as it and most of my positivity ends up jumping ship as soon as it can. I am tired of putting on a strong face and of bottling up all of this overdue crying I do not let myself experience. Once upon a time I would have loved to hear a friendly 'everyone fucks up, it will be okay' but now I do not want to hear anything. I want to lock myself up and stare at the ceiling. I want to impose prison time on myself so that I am less responsible for a life I do not care about. I do not want my corpse to be found. that is the most honest reason for not dying already. My family's reaction. My sister's disappointment when she is dealt with this as well. But, I do just not want to wake up. I want a heat seeking one person disintegration missile comet type thing to just do its thing.I will probably call the hotline tonight and roll my eyes again. Pushing away positive changes as I always do. Ignoring things I do not want to hear. Pretending the past is not the curse tainting any chance at happiness because I was afraid to try. Taking solace in the fact that we all eventually disappear. Meanwhile browsing tiktok lives to get noticed by strangers and attain a slight bit of validation that will end up disappearing in the air like all of those exhales after smoking - anything to numb my head and my body. I want to let myself cry, but I am worried I will never stop at this point. I am alone. Truly. But we all are. Not sure of the point of this post now as the walls of dissociation come back up. Thank you for reading. Thank you for still breathing. Thank you for being a part of this community and being vulnerable. The Suicide Hotline and Other Selfish Rants",Suicidal +10076,"I cannot deal with it! I do not want to work a factory job that barely pays me, get abused at home, live in a shitty place with people who hate me....I need help! I want to get out!!! I will hurt myself I seriously cannot stand living this kind of life anymore!!!",Suicidal +12494,i cannot put into words how much i hate having aspergersthe ppl who are proud of being autistic and embrace it make me want to throw up LOL holy fuck,Suicidal +19793,I wish I did not exist Everybody hates me,Suicidal +36027,My heart is so crushed.,Suicidal +18598,"I know that I should not put so much into a guy. I do not know why my head goes here now that it is all ending. I know it is not healthy. But I am happy most of the time. I feel loved more than I do not. I feel so good and comfortable. I feel so in love. I think about our future, and our kids we may have, and so many other things that are so good that are all about to go away.I do not want another guy. I just want to be happy with this guy. But for some reason now that all this is happening, I just want to hurt myself. I want to cut, I want bang my head up against a wall, tie a rope around my neck, stand in front traffic and see what happens. I am so fed up with feeling unloved and unwanted by the person I want and love the most. Why does me and my boyfriend breaking up make me feel this way?",Suicidal +9381,"I have tried and tried and tried. I have blocked and unblocked. Cried and screamed. I have met new people, tried to forget you in whatever way I can. I cannot. I cannot stop thinking about you all damn night and day. I cannot take this anymore. I am tired of feeling so depressed and sad all the time because you are not in my life. I do not want to be here alone anymore. I miss you so much. I made so many mistakes. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you I failed you I failed you I physically cannot get over you.",Suicidal +18714,I found my option- co codemal probably spelt it wrong grammar probably wrong I am retarded but 24 500/30 paracetamol to codeine ratio idk if that would finish me but I think 20 grams of paracetamol is probably more than enough I heard paracetamol overdose is a shit way to go but I honestly think I deserve it. I have caused so much trouble and I live with every bad thing i have done every day and it hurts I guess I am going to my old opioid addiction route too I knew I would end up here again fuck the World just finish me god I am 99% certain and that 1 little percent is nothing to me Struggling again I cannot keep my emotions in and I cannot breathe,Suicidal +20347,or I will not I will tell you my story,Suicidal +19810,I do not want to overstep my bounds or even be insensitive about your situation but if you are autistic and reading this can you comment what makes you feel suicidal Genuine Question on Autism,Suicidal +11503,"I went to a hospital in March after an attempt. Life has been a living hell then. I made a friend in there who became super attached to me fast, only to ditch me in a few weeks and start dating someone with my same name. My dad has become so detached from me. He did not even come see me on my birthday. I lashed out at my best friend and lost her. My mom has become meaner. I keep trying to move out of here and failing. I just wish I died I wish I fucking died why did anyone stop me I hate my life so fucking much I hate all of this shit I want to fucking die I do not enjoy any of this and what is the point I am going to suffer and be alone forever I hate my life I wish someone could just kill me Life has been on a downward spiral ever since I was stopped from committing",Suicidal +16871,Really cry. At someone dying in a movie. And he is sick right now so he was crying and struggling to breathe. he is eight.And I am here with a plan and a date.And I was brought straight back to reality. Realising I will destroy his life forever. Today I saw my son cry,Suicidal +13068,"it is been 3 years since I have had this crushing pain (I do not like to say that I have depression because I have never been to a psychologist in life) and I have never shared this with anyone, I believe the only thing I do well is hide my feelings, literally no one knows what i feel. And I never cared about loneliness but you know, sometimes I wish someone would put a hand on my shoulder and say ""I know how you feel"". I wanted someone to know what I feel.",Suicidal +36313,my 13 year old daughter overdosed on about 6 grams of wellbutrin and 1500mg of zoloft i am trying so hard to make this right she was airlifted to children s hospital and now she s laying in her hospital bed unresponsive and her muscles are jerking this has been the scariest day of my life that child is my entire world she s all i have i have out my heart and soul into raising her i never want to lose this little girl but here i am she s about to be 14 she s a little on the eccentric side but she has a heart of gold she s never met a stranger but ever since 8th grade has started she has been getting bullied and the teachers don t really do anything about it this was her way of coping i went to wake her for school this morning and found her covered in vomit and she had been hallucinating and having seizures for hours probably what if i hadn t found her why does she feel like this is the only way i want to make all the bad go away how do i do this how do i help her cope i didn t know who to turn to,Suicidal +11402,"I am trying so hard to do game dev. I cannot even learn it at all, I have to watch tutorials. I am not even making a game I am just copying someone else The only passion I had I am not even good at",Suicidal +25488,"Hello, you are reading this because I am appealing to our community for help regarding my medical bill. Despite being fully insured, my provider is leaving me on the hook for a $3000 medical bill. The majority was already covered but according the plan I chose (the highest offered by my company) my deductible and all was not sufficient and I owe a percentage of my bill. I spoke to the hospital about this and they are sending me a financial aid application. I attempted suicide last year, failed. Was sent to an inpatient hospital psych center for 4 days and now I owe all this money I cannot even afford. My mind is saying they should have just let me die because it would be better than digging myself out the mud YET AGAIN but I find myself now just absolutely despising America and health insurance and the fact that I did not ask for any of this. I am so freaking unbelievably sad and anxious right now. Any and all advice would be appreciated. Please, I am in a fragile state, just be mindful of that. Medical Billing Help",Suicidal +21844,"I have two children and they are the ones that make me not kill myself. I do not want them to suffer. I am having a really bad relationship with my mom and I just want this to end. Talking with her did not solve it. I am afraid of what to do. It would be better for the adults if I leave, but the kids they deserve their father with them. What can I do? I should have think twice before having kids",Suicidal +10937,I do not remember what makes me happy. I even had really good moments and really good days lately. I know I had them. But I cannot remember them. I hate this feeling. Everything's just out of reach Just cannot remember things that made me happy,Suicidal +18023,"Hopelessly traumatized braindead from strokes poly drug abuse seizures a lot of suicide attempts I have been this way since a kid and have decelerated in coordination identity impulse control and social interaction. All the friends ever made and the love of my life have been traumatized by me, lost my best friend this morning and the cat we shared and its really fucked me up. Ignored me for the past month, I started to get the idea but i almost died last week nde intensified my depression and panic attacks to soul crushing extents, i had no one so i did what I have done to officially everyone now. I have really never/heard seen her act this cold, in my life to even enemies. She was so amazing did i do this from my problems? Its confused shocked and hurt me so bad, have not slept all week because I am just so alone and i have not left the bloody floor in my room all day or stopped crying/bleeding not even for food now i just need the exhaustion to get me at least an hour of unconsciousnessIt cannot happen tonight blocked so the only message i can send is torturing myself one more night so they dint get the news they all want just yet also tomorrow i will have access to enough fentanyl to end this shit show this will be my last post i believe its our right to choose if we have the will or desire ti suffer existance I am not sorry for ruuing everything i touch because i did not choose this life I need to die but now that I know how happy that would make too many people happy",Suicidal +7692,LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!,Suicidal +15517,"Well life is a turbulent thing is not it. I do not even know why I am posting this.I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of my life because I know it will bore you to tears (and right now I am feeling a bit lazy). Long story short: got into my dream university found out even in a new city people are just as shitty and spiraled out of control. Stopped going to class and flunked everything.A year later I fought to get those grades of the record (which I did) then somehow the schools that gave me scholarships do not want anything to do with me. Found out that having a narccist parent basically messed up my brains development and explained a lot of things.I have had great grades at everything but math so I have been doing grade 12 functions. If it goes well I may get in and restart my academic career. If not well I gave life my all. So far it was going great in math til the trig test now my mark is in trouble and now also I am likely to flunk tomorrow too. I am just out of gas, starting feel like I am running low on energy. I swore to myself I will give it my all, maybe the lack of energy is my body is sending a message. I am not going to quit atleast not yet, I know if this does not work I am getting kicked out of my home (moms words not mine). So yeah it is kind of life and death lol. If this does not work I have got no other choice",Suicidal +21370,"Two days ago, I attempted suicide. I overdosed on painkillers and got sent into hospital. Blood tests were normal, so they discharged me.But since I have been home, my entire body feels.. off. I am physically exhausted; sleeping all day. I do not eat much at all, not anymore.. even drinking anything has proven to be difficult for me. I feel dizzy all the time, and experience weird fluttering in my chest every so often throughout the day. I feel so weak.Is this a sign that the painkillers are working, and that I will die soon? Am I slowly dying?",Suicidal +26657,"I am bipolar, and when I think my life is going good I spiral and have episodes and fuck up my relationships when I am crazy. I just want to be healthy and not have to worry about this demon inside me. I have been contemplating suicide constantly, and I am so tired of being alive. I do not want to be here anymore",Suicidal +13442,i do not know what to do or where to go i want to kill myself so fucking bad i spent so much time and energy trying to follow the things i was told to do by mental health professionals and the only time i felt any semblance of relief was in my dreams since my mental illness makes it almost impossible to distinguish them from reality and for a second i am able to believe i am actually killing myself i stopped eating the way I am supposed to and working out and taking my medication and doing therapy for about two or three weeks now and i honestly do not know how to proceed from here i reallt want to kill myself but I am so scared of dealing with the consequences of surviving a suicide attempt i rlly wish i could own a gun so i could just blow my brains out and i feel so bad posting shur like this but i do not have any friends anymore i have not talked to anyone in about three months i just want to kill my self i just want to be okay,Suicidal +21631,I am 26 and I am about to jump in front of a car If I hear my parents having sex I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +20106,I am so numb even after trying to explain my feelings I get told I understand you and that is it. I am so broken Help,Suicidal +18360,"Like my childhood, I am quite sure my adulthood will not be happy. Everyone in here are ultra nationalist and religious. Everything is corrupted, the politicians are enslaved people. We all become poorer and poorer. Inflation is so high and it will be higher, unemployment rate is too high and for example you became a computer scientist but you cannot find a place to work, they say do something (unrelated to your degree) else and if you criticize that they say you do not like jobs. Nobody cares about the people who suffers. For example some terrible thing happened, everyone forgets that in 2-3 days. I am hobbyless because everything is so expensive. I want a life like 17 years old youngs from other countries but i will never have a happy life. I do not want to live. I am 17 years old and I am from a third world country.",Suicidal +15674,Any things I should do on my last day? I am thinking of ending it tommorow.,Suicidal +15593,"Whenever people ask you how you are feel and you genuinely share then they feel the need to box you up and ship you somewhere. it is not my fault that my mind goes off a bridge before crossing it. Also, any significant other I have had in my life thinks it is always some secret way to keep them by guilting them. Lol as if they were the because. Just feel so much shame and guilt and it is hard to get away from. I drink daily and it is fucked my life up. Never finished college or high school and am stranded in the bar industry in which I make enough money to secretly feed my problem but that prevents me from saving. I have a son now which makes my issues worse because I cannot be 100% for him if I do not sneak a couple. I just needed to get that off my chest because living a lie over here and do not have anyone besides a 1 year old and did not think he was the best to vent to. I hate the routine",Suicidal +9968,Any reason to live past high school? So,Suicidal +10429,Whenever something bad happens I get suicidal thoughts.I cannot explain how I feel properly. It just happens in seconds like I can be in a good mood and all of a sudden out of nowhere the thought of suicide appears. It gets more intense if something bad happens. Is this normal? I do not have anybody to ask this. Is this normal?,Suicidal +23021,I just want to give upI have never been enough for anyone and I am tired of trying to be.I am ready to dieit would be so much easier and so peaceful I am tired.I have no fight left in me,Suicidal +9028,Just let me kill myself alr. I even procrastinate killing myself when I know its my only way. I need a fast and non painful way which also does not include the risk of it failing and making me worse. Just let me,Suicidal +8780,and cursing out the people who deserve it. obviously not going to mention I am going to kill myself to them . but i got chemicals that will take me out fast been saying my goodbyes,Suicidal +12471,i get sad when i wake up. id love to just sleep forever,Suicidal +12725,I do not have patience for myself anymore. I do not have a future because I have no drive. If I carry on I will just experience a life of suffering. I hate capitalism I do not see any other solution other than killing myself,Suicidal +24402,I want die but i feel ashamed than my family and friends will think.... I need everything to look like an accident i want die !?,Suicidal +19130,"I am 17, dropped out of high school after never doing my homework and overall just not giving a shit about it. I was lucky enough to have a father who owns a plumbing business and began working for him about 6 months ago. Between now and those 6 months I have done such a shitty job that builders no longer want me coming onto job sites and everyone working there is tired of trying to teach me to me better. Yesterday my brother, who is also an employee of the company said that everyone was tired of dealing with my shit, and I should check an make sure if this is what I want to do. So I tried to talk to my dad this morning about it, and it completely blew up in my face. I have ruined the final opportunity I have had, and I feel like I have no other option than to just rid myself from these peoples lives. All of my friends would not care either, I have always been just the extra, so what is stopping me? I ruin everything for everyone",Suicidal +25139,If you respond to this post trying to tell me I deserve to live or any meaningless platitudes based on zero evidence I will personally bite off your head and spit out your eyeballs If people knew all the reasons I hate myself half of them would be encouraging me to kill myself,Suicidal +19928,"Right now as i write i am immensely thinking how there is literally no point for me to love anymore. I am actually thinking of giving up and doing a dive off to be done with this life. I am holding myself together, but i feel like that is only temporary. I see no point",Suicidal +25906,"Can someone please help with the most efficient and painless way to end my life? I am one of those people just not meant to live a normal happy life, or to bring any joy to other people's lives. I am simply a waste of resources and space, id be doing my family a favor. Any advice would be appreciated. Help with leaving",Suicidal +22496,"Day 2 of 365I am here to voice out what is inside my mind, because I really have no one to tell. I have been suffering with depressing thoughts for almost two decades now and this is the only way I can vent out. I hope you guys find solace in this.The eerie feeling of numbness crawls through my stomach to the very bones of my spine. I might not be depressed not having panic attacks but it is a pain I have never really got used to. Alone again in my thoughts as I try to shut my eyes from the hellscape of my mind. Day 2 of 365",Suicidal +9243,"My parents have supported me this past year and its dragging on them, even if they would not admit it. I made some recent mistakes that will because me to miss the next semester of college because I cannot afford it. I am planning to leave a note saying I need to leave my current life situation. I think this will be easier on them. I am not looking for help, but I feel like I need to post this to at least let somebody know what I am feeling before I move on with this part of my life. Disapointing my Parents",Suicidal +18732,I have come at peace with the day I set. Sent my letters saying goodbye and it is been something that is been on the back my head for a long time. And I will be okay. The pain will go away. Day Set,Suicidal +8755,It says pretty much happybirthday mom i love you be with you soon? She also posted it on her story. Is this concerning. I just happen to be awake right now and i sent her a message saying aww are you going to visit her? If she says something suicidial what should i do/say i barely know her :( Girl I am talking to sent a pic of her mom to me at 5 am?,Suicidal +20538,"I was alone, yet again. I grabbed a lightbulb and did not feel anything. I went to grab a knife. I cannot remember what happened next, I woke up in bed, the knife by the side of the bed and a bloody nose. I do not want to kill myself, I just cannot see anything getting better. My family cannot even look at me anymore. I was close last night.",Suicidal +36823,"I just want to remind y’all that without Iris, Barry Allen would be dead right now. But she’s useless right?… https://t.co/vloroTurEZ",Suicidal +13486,"In the last 24 hours I have taken 40 500mg paracetamol because I am just sick of myself and wanted to end everything. I feel fine at the minute, nothing has happened. What should I do? Do I just leave it. paracetamol od",Suicidal +9270,"My fianc had given birth and I was in the room the doctor turns to me and looks confused he says can you get the father I say I am the father, he shows me a black baby so as you can guess I am white German she is white american so I found out my fianc had cheated on me and the babys not mine like this and I want to die I created this account to see if anyone can help me The babys not mine",Suicidal +12981,i fucking hate my father fuck you dad,Suicidal +7277,"I am thinking about ending it all. This life is too full of sadness and pain. I just do not see the point it trying to continue. I do not have the strength, energy or will to be in this world anymore. I just see darkness ahead of me. I want it to end",Suicidal +14187,"I have been drinking, blacking out, crying and fighting with my boyfriend every day for the past week or two. I think it would be easier and less painful to just leave. Drinking is not working, the feelings just make their way out when I black out and I have another reason to wake up feeling like shit. I cannot afford a mental hospital stay, and idk when they would let me out I do not know how it works. I cannot remember the past two weeks.",Suicidal +22636,"I honestly do not even know where to start... My grandma died last Friday, a week ago. I abruptly came back home for her funeral that is next Wednesday and I truly feel defeated. I originally had to come back anyways to change my ID, name, address, and was told I cannot do anything with my name until social security gets done. they are backed up 4 months for a name change. I have my divorce decree, but nobody cares. I feel trapped with my abusive dead name and past abusers and it truly makes me feel like something is eating me from the inside every time I see it, hear it, or have to use it. I cried in the middle of the dmv. I cried in the middle of the hospital as they told me I need my new ID first (previously told me I just need my decree) and I cannot change my medical records til SS gets through, my ID get through with my new legal name... I truly feel defeated, burnt out, and tired... Mentally, I am below empty. I want to be able to tell someone that I am not okay without feeling judged... I feel like if I tell my partner that I am not okay (again, for the 7th day in a row), he will get tired of dealing with me...I am scared at this point. Physically safe, but mentally dead. Back at rock bottom...",Suicidal +10965,I am such a sad pathetic piece of human shit and I deserve every bit of suffering coming my way. Just a waste of life,Suicidal +7849,"I have plans for my future. I am happy about them, excited even. I am going to start college in a year or two. I have every good thing right at my doorstep tbh, but I woke up today with a blue body I do not know how else to put it. Its been a few days that I have been feeling this day, but today was a very prominent day when I felt blue, almost as if my veins and arteries are carrying a liquid called depression. Every step felt heavy. I had my blood tests done a few hours ago, and honestly, a part of me almost expected blue liquid to come out. Or black, maybe. I guess it was a moment of stupid imagination, but I felt so empty and hollow that it felt alien to expect my body would react in a humanly way. All my plans are very competitive, and yes, I am incredibly optimistic about my future goals. But somewhere at the back of my head, I have my suicide planned out. How When Where My suicide note Its just like another option for me if my future plans do not become something that I want. My depression is spiralling into suicide as a resort to failed future plans",Suicidal +18385,I will have the entire night to bleed to death and by the time someone breaks in my room in the morning I will gone for good. I am thinking of doing it on my birthday. I feel like slitting my wrists in my bed at night when I am tired and about to fall asleep is the best way to go,Suicidal +8076,"I have known a long time now that suicide is for me. That sounds really weird, but essentially, I genuinely feel my birth was a mistake and I do not belong on this planet. I am tired of trying to fit in just to feel something only for it to backfire and because me more pain. The fact I need antidepressants feels like more of a conformation that I do not belong here than anything. Death is the answer.I would have done it over a year ago, but I bought into the propaganda and got help. I have been basically shuffling my feet waiting for something to happen ever since. And I am done.it will probably be a few months at the latest. Now I get to have all the fun of planning my perfect last day and the lead up. Yay. Probably going to do it soon.",Suicidal +12847,"I do not have a single person that actually cares about me and it is been that way for a while. I accepted that fact a long time ago and kept peddling on. I am now at the point where I have set the date and plan and everything's ready for me to go. I just want to know why it had to be this way. I have been used as an emotional crutch by so many only to be forgotten about when they are out of their darkest times. I have never been anyone's first choice. Even my wife cheated on me after I worked so hard for our life together. Then at the end of my military career thinking I can finally be free to love and support her to the fullest I get hit with the biggest fuck you I ever experienced. I broke down and when I needed support I was told ""I am too busy, maybe later?"" I went on my days mindless and numb. I am so afraid of killing myself that the sole reason why I deployed was to die on the battlefield. I was unlucky and the ambush did not kill me. I think about how my suffering could have easily have ended if I had just peaked up and let them put the bullet in my head. Why have I made it this far? I have talked to my therapist, I have talked to people who ""relate"", but I can tell they do not have the slightest clue. I really wish I could have been dealt better cards in life but I have enough self awareness to understand that is just how life is. I only wanted to be happy and content with a normal life. A small circle of friends or people that I could actually depend on. Instead I am just alone and there is really no signs of turning it around. I have tried my hardest to reach out to others but it is always me who has to go the extra mile to maintain any sort of relationship. I cannot ever get someone to meet me half way. Pretty long rant and I am sure no one will truly ever care. I am just another person. Just a number to the statistic. People around me may grief for a bit because they had the slightest connection to me but will forget about it later because they have their own life to live. And I understand that. Any how this was pretty long, I am doing whatever I want and have been pretty reckless as the date is pretty close. I am hoping I can find the peace in death that I have desired so much but have been so terrified of at the same time. I wish the best for everyone and I hope you all find peace with yourself before it gets to a stage where you feel like there is no going back. Just another person.",Suicidal +15752,"No matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, in the end i will always fail, no one will ever be there. I will be forever alone, and nothing will ever change that. Tired of trying so hard for it to only blow up in my face, everyday is just a repeat of the last. Nothing good ever last for me. All i am given is suffering. I cannot do this anymore. I am reaching my breaking point and wish i did not have to be like this. I am mentally to far gone, I am not worth saing, no. I cannot be saved. I dug my own grave for myself to lay in. But who cares really, I have written here, with no responses or guidance. I feel like iam so far gone the only solution is really to kill myself. I cannot live like this anymore. Nothing brings me joy, everything just feels so dull and my life is not interesting. I contribute nothing to society and then wonder why i am life this. I have had people say that i deserve all the pain i am given. That nothing changes nor will change for me, well if that is so, then i know what i must do. I must just end myself, just for the sake of what is left of my dignity, no one can save me, not even my self. Soon it will be the end for me and then finally i will experience peace. It never ends",Suicidal +12557,Could really use it. Anyone want to talk?,Suicidal +10095,"I have wanted to share my problems since forever but never was brave enough. After scrolling reddit for so long, I decided I will share my story with you. This is quite long, and I want to cover everything...So, my mental problems started when I was 7 years old. In my life I never had a close friend or a family member (mostly because I am the oldest) who I can talk to or even spend time with. I was distanced in a village, far away from the town I was going to school. So my loneliness started in my early age.Whenever I was alone I would overthink: what is the point of this, why do we live, what happens after death, and so on... That made me really paranoid and serious person.it is good to say that my parents were always good to me and I never had a problem with them. We were not poor nor rich, we were just an average family.I will skip my primary school because in there nothing really happened.When I started going in high school, I distanced from people way more. I was spending most of my time sitting in front of my computer, alone. At some point I started getting scared of people and interactions with them. Alongside with social anxiety I started overthinking even more. That part of my life was the worst, it was rainy for almost 2 weeks and I was getting depressed more and more. Also in that period my cat died which led me to suicidal thoughts. Time passes and I was in the same condition.After some time my parents asked me why do I not go out with someone or at least go outside. I would always tell them that I am feeling good here alone and that I do not want to change anything (which is true, I really do not). Time passes and they were getting more concerned about me and my mental state. Out of nowhere, my dad told me he called a psychologist. I was very angry about that, but I did not have a choice. After 2 arrivals psychologist told me I am completely fine and that I just need to get a friend.Now this part of story gets really weird even for me, because I do not know what I was thinking at that time.So out of nowhere I just started to get emotional over anything. For example, getting ridiculed (idk if this is the word) on really hurt me, which never happened before. After a long speech with my parents, I told them that I do not want them to decide my life and leave me alone. They accepted that.After this long period I started having headaches, was eating not even 2 meals daily, and could not sleep. This is still going on and it is getting worse. I would like you to give me some advice, and to hear your story if it is similar. I am feeling really low recently, and I would like to get your help",Suicidal +22674,"So, long story short, in early March, I was let go from my job. Since then, I have been looking tirelessly for work, but I had no luck. So I have decided to kill myself. I live in the NYC area, so I am probably going to jump in front of a subway train. If I do not kill myself, I can foresee my future. My unemployment runs out, I become broke, I cannot pay rent, I become homeless, I end up living a low quality life. I want to live a low quality life, so I might as well kill myself. Work will never come to me. I have tried for the past four months for that to become untrue. Well, its not happening, no matter how hard I try. So its suicide for me. What else is there to do in life",Suicidal +26740,"Mentally I am a wreck. I have lost myself in a wayward spiral of depression because I have always felt abnormal. I am a pathetic mess. i have people tell me all these great positive things about me, whether I am good vibes, a good friend, and so forth, but despite any earnestness in their voice i second doubt myself and fight the tears. It never helped that throughout the years I have been bullied and isolated amongst peers. Its ruined my ability to speak verbally, opposed text and my brain feels flat. As a writer I feel like there is something greener out there, but it feels off when I cannot make connections or become an after thought in the grand schemes of things. i feel like I am destined to be alone and at this point Id rather just be alone forever in a white hollow space by myself and have continuous torture be instilled upon me by my own thoughts. I keep telling myself everything will be fine, despite how much it hurts",Suicidal +8630,"How do I kill myself in a country with no guns. I have access to a high building but I am afraid it might go wrong.If you are going to try to talk me out of it please just leave one answer to the question above, at least your opinion on it.My life is not really that hard or anything so nobody has to worry, I am just your average person that cannot handle the pressure because I am a loser How to kill myself in a country with no guns",Suicidal +22338,I feel so much guilt for I did something unforgivable. There is no other way out. Its for everyone is benefit. I have to kill myself. Today.,Suicidal +22735,"(Bit of a rant so you do not have to read.)I am 34, I have had serious suicidal ideation since I was probably 16. (Diagnosed with severe clinical depression at 13, bipolar 2 at 19 which was then changed to borderline personality disorder at 21. Told I will always have suicidal thoughts to some degree.)I am moderately disabled (if one can be /moderately/ disabled) by the sheer amount of physical pain and fatigue that I am in every day, even though I take morphine every 12 hours.. plus a load of other stuff.. my back is wrecked from herniating three specific discs too often, so they will not heal naturally. I have other stuff but it is complicated and does not really matter.I lost my job - a brilliant job for a wonderful company - in early 2013 because my mental illness was uncontrolled and then I had a breakdown. I developed Fibromyalgia as a result. I am still unemployed.I have had many, many years of therapy. My mental health is better than it was, but I still struggle with it every day.I am married to a 73yr old, and the age did not matter when he was 60, but now.. it does. It really does. we have never slept together. we have had separate bedrooms for the past four years. he is a jehovahs witness and I am not.I love him dearly but I am beginning to resent him.My friends - who know the full, complicated story - all tell me to leave, to get a place on my own, to start fresh.How can I do that when I am unemployable? When I have no savings? When I have barely any income of my own because I have become dependant on my husband?These are all rhetorical questions because they have been asked twice before. I stayed, and look where I am. Again.The number of times I have wanted to end my life is countless. I have never attempted, because I know when I do, it will be successful. I will have no 'attempt'. I have always been talked out. Or just not told anyone.Or done this- write long, stupid posts on Internet sites and by the end I just feel so sick of myself and my conceited whining that I end up engaging in self harm instead - pain instead of oblivion. I deserved that.But there is got to come a point where I reach these crossroads, see their familiar options, and just think.. I /cannot/ go down that road again. It does not work.. I cannot make it work.I realised today that my husband never asks me how I am, or if I am okay. It took a dream of someone who cared about me in the past to make me realise this.But all those people are gone.I am so lonely. So low.I do not want to hurt anyone and I know that I will. I just hope that they will be able to find it in their hearts to realise that I have spent my lifetime hurting.. And I cannot bear to do it any more. Come to this crossroads so many, many times..",Suicidal +7661,"*^(\*(this got deleted from the self-harm section so I am reposting here)\*)*self-harm has been a struggle for me for a while now.the other night i had a very bad episode (intense panic, I have been struggling with depression and severe anxiety for a while now). so i grabbed my blade, went to the bathroom, and wanted to end it all. i went very very deep on my arms (vertically). my dad saw my arms and grabbed the blade away from me, my mom tried to help & i was taken to the hospital where i got stitches.these past 2 days, a number of people in my life have found out about the incident 2 nights ago. let me tell you, not one of them has reached out to ask if i was okay or tell me they were glad i was still here. they are just so ..... nonchalant about it.its basically confirming the fears I have had for years now -- that, if i actually went through with my urges & committed suicide, no one would care. i mean their behavior is pretty much proving it. my own siblings and parents have not said a word about it. just ""stay safe vanessa"". that is it.i fucking wish it worked. (TW) just survived a suicide attempt and it feels like no one cares.",Suicidal +13139,having a crisis rn and all my dad did was guilt trip me about being sad during his dinner and ruining his birthday and guilt tripped me over feeling suicidal and having attempted once before and said I am choosing to live my life this way and I am choosing to be miserable fucking done,Suicidal +9404,Its not fair that the world has just discarded me like this. Its not fair that I got the parents I got. Its not fair that I cannot enjoy life yet everyone around me can. Why? Its not fair,Suicidal +21266,Shit is so pointless I am so tired of this shit Damm,Suicidal +21897,i want to do something super fucked up and then die. its all I have been thinking about and i literally cannot take my mind off of it all i can think about is killing myself,Suicidal +26328,I am sorry to bother you off but i cannot take it anymore i want to die. I have been crying for an hour now and I have tried to slit my wrists but my knife will not cut. I am hesitating to take a train ticket to lorient and throw myself under the railroad tracks. if i hang myself my father will find my body and i do not want to do that to him. I know that you have your own life and your own problems. the day before yesterday I tried an overdose of medication but it did not work. I do not know who to turn to. the psychiatrist I have does not trust him. going back to the psychiatric hospital I do not want to fall back on the other people who are used to the place. I am alone at home for 3-4 days and I am afraid to do something stupid. (sorry for the poor language i used a translator) I am affraid to do something stupid,Suicidal +10098,"To me it feels like something is wrapped around my brain and squeezing. It feels like negative thoughts are all I can think of and as more negativity comes, I lose more of this battle. I wish I had a time machine and go back in time. What does it feel like for you?",Suicidal +26734,"This is not some reddit post, I have decided that I will not be writing a suicide note, so here is this: ""I. Am. Real. My emotions are real, and no one understands the preservation of the martry in me, I will not be slamming my head against the same brick wall, I will go past that. I am going to kill myself tonight, I am serious.",Suicidal +11866,"I thought it was getting better. I must be fucking braindead. How do I convince myself of such absolute untruths? It will never get better. I could not be any more painfully aware of this, yet I still manage to periodically find myself falling for idealist fantasies in which every waking moment of life is not pain. Every time I do this the crashing pain of returning to reality drives me one step closer to finally doing what I know is right. Why do I continue to live like this? I have no reason to suffer as I do, yet I live on. Is it masochism? Stupidity? Guilt? I do not fucking know. The only thing I can be confident in is knowing my time on this earth will inevitably be cut short by my own hands and nothing brings me such solace and joy as that thought. I thought it was getting better..",Suicidal +36907,"@kingxhesh,,just fucking kill me already i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +10409,My whole life has been shitty from the beginning and bad things keep happening and all I want to do right now is scream and cry and kill myself and nobody is fucking awake to talk to me and even if they were they probably would not respond usually i put effort into making these posts grammatically correct and not incoherent run on sentences but i cannot do it anymore i just really want to die I have gone through so much and I really want to die.,Suicidal +15621,"My whole life, I thought I had made all of the correct decisions setting myself up for later in life. I graduated college without debt, had a good career, and had a great social circle. Well, I made one tiny mistake one day two years ago and now my whole life is a fucking mess. I feel like everything that I worked so hard for was for nothing. Everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong the past two years. It honestly feels like God is not just testing me, but he wants me to kill myself. Being stuck in limbo fucking sucks. I feel like God wants me to kill myself",Suicidal +9160,"I am legit fucked in terms of any comp sci job prospects and grad school, got a full ride scholarship to come to this shitty liberal arts college and spend 3 fucking years just to get:\- No major, completed projects on my portfolio\- No research papers I have written\- No meaningful projects I have been involved in\- No job training in CS or job experience\- a piece of paper that will say computer science on itliterally just bullshit classes in the major that encourage a shitload of busy work and no meaningful learning experiences that would land a job. I have classmates from high school involved in CS at their universities who have built a bigger portfolio in one year than I have in 3. Despite that I have worked my ass of since freshman year working 18-20 hours a day on this bullshit degree, never been to parties or drank or met friends or what have you, just HW all day every day until 2-3 in the morning. this is definitely going to transfer towards my inability to getting into grad schools with their low ass acceptance rates and people like my classmates from HS applying and getting in easily with their fucking portfolios.I am planning on hanging myself if I have to go home after graduation and get berated daily for coming here and not getting a job or further education by my parents for the next X amount of years while trying to build my portfolio. The conversation today I had with them about how fucked I am was enough to write this shit. since freshman year I have never received help from my academic counselor to find attainable internship opportunities or other ways to build my portfolio outside of college, instead wasting my time every meeting since freshman year to talk about my feelings or how I was doing and to act as a fucking therapist. even now as I am trying to find grad schools I can actually get into she will not help compile a list or explore options or do the basic things that other academic counselors do to help a college student not end up living with their parents after graduating. I am struggling to even get above a 154 on quant and 157 on verbal for the gre entrance exam, so i know i cannot even rely on that to get in anywhere. almost all schools want a 160 or higher on quant. my parents do not give a rats ass either way about my education here and would not help anyways since they have not even finished grade school. I do not know what I am going to do with my life after I leave this fucking place besides killing myself, and regret the day i came here should have just paid my way through college like everyone else and gone to my local university with my HS friends. Going to kill myself after graduation",Suicidal +24011,"no matter what I do my wife thinks I am cheating on her. I travel for work, so I can cheat. I work in town because it is easier to cheat. I leave to cool off after a fight and it is to go cheat. An X contacted me about a computer issue and again to share a news article about some Politian. Maybe I should have ignored them, but at no point did I think about cheating on my wife with my X. But she is convinced otherwise. I have never cheated on her or any other relationship in my life. EVER! But her X cheated on her so I must be doing it too. I have given up my regular job, my friends, my band, and members of my family. it is not enough. Social media deletion has been an ongoing demand that she is currently winning. 700+ friends gone from Facebook, Twitter is deleted and I am sure others are coming.Constant reviews of my phone is now a thing. Text, call logs, voicemail, app usage. what have you. But I must deleted everything before she looks because NOT doing anything adulterous is not an option. Now she is expecting a baby as it seems that her tubal ligation has repaired itself after eleven years. She informed me that she has left and will not come back to me and out house. Hiding herself and unborn child from me. I told her goodbye tonight and that she will not have to worry about seeing me again or interfering with the life of our child. Is accused me of cheating. I have the phone called recorded because it literally feels she does not care. &#x200B;I am not here asking for help, just documenting my plan and to answer the question: WHY!I am also aware that plenty will point out that is she claims I am cheating without proof she is probably the one cheating. Maybe yes, maybe no. I know I would rather die than for that to be true. what other option do I have?",Suicidal +16716,i am a 14 year old girl. i feel filthy and i wjat to cry. today i decided to go on a simple walk around town. i got catcalled and harassed 15 times in less than. two hours. i was wearing long baggy pants and a baggy hoodie. i was completely cobered. i was completely covered and i look like a literal child and i still got catcalled. by old men as well. i got honked and men eere yelling stuff to me feom their cars. one time one pulled up to me. i ran so fast. I am so tired. why do i have to fear for my life and safety in such basic circumstances? I am so tiredand i hate my life I am only 14,Suicidal +12813,"Tonight has been horrible. All day I struggled to stay positive but it all got fucked up the ass tonight. My mom is basically saying she does not like how my friend and I comfort each other, she made me give her my knife in front of my god damn friend, and now we are just sitting here like nothing happened. I want to cut so badly, I want to bleed, but no. I am pissed, I am depressed, and I have no will to live. I want to get run over by a fucking semi truck. Tonight makes me want to end it",Suicidal +17399,"I know there are people I care about who would miss me if I died, who would blame themselves for the rest of their lives, but it is so hard to care.So hard to care when I think about how when I am dead, I will not have to witness it. It will be impossible for me to care when I am dead. This is heightened even more because I do not believe in an afterlife. To me, when I die, the world simply will not exist anymore, because I will not be around to witness it.Even if I have things to look forward to in this life, things that excite me, it is still so hard to care. So hard to care when I know none of this will matter anymore to me if I died. I live at a parents house, and I have no possible means of killing myself right now. I do not imagine I will until I am an adult and completely on my own. But I do not want to grow up at the same time.I am only a she will of the person I used to be, without my art it feels like I am nothing anymore, but I cannot draw.I hate seeing I cannot even get the motivation to watch tv.I cannot get over any of my habits unless it is forced upon me. No matter how hard I try I always go back.I think I am better than most people on this world, but I still do not feel good enough. I hate this world, and all of the sick people in it. And there is no hope of change in my lifetime. I hate my parents. .",Suicidal +7519,"I cannot even cry or get angry. I am just in awe that this sort of feeling exists. Today, the amount I want to die is unlike anything I have ever experienced before",Suicidal +19027,Until you actually show signs of being suicidal.Every day is worse than the last. I look forward to nothing. I am burnt out on taking care of our daughter. I wish my partner let me off myself back in December. is not it funny how people say they care,Suicidal +12781,"You said you would be there? Were you? I could not tell.I am running to you now. You either take me home or let me go forever.Please. I need you. it is too late to save my body, but I need you to catch my soul. I am not killing myself anytime soon, but here is a suicide note I wrote to Jesus out of sadness and anger. I am a Christian, kind of, so that is why it is to him.",Suicidal +14938,"Although I still think about killing myself, I still do not know what the heck will happen to me if I kill myself.For now, Ill rather cut myself until I die than to kill myself. I may or may not kill myself, but Ill rather cut myself for now.I just do not have a gut to end myself, hence I want something or someone to end me instead, painlessly and quick. And since I am a religious person, I do not think killing myself will be my main goal for now. I do not know. I am just scared about the unknown, mysterious things that might happen to me if I kill myself.Right now, I am cutting myself with a pick. It left me some good scars, and the good thing is that they do not leave a messy blood nor leave scars permanently. I can just keep doing it again and again and again until the day I die (hopefully I die a young age, not an old age). Ill rather harm myself than to kill myself",Suicidal +9571,i feel like I am veering of the deep end. again. this is the 5th time this month. can i talk to someone,Suicidal +13893,"I am ugly, I am stupid, I am lazy, I am fat, I am weak, I have a terrible personality, I have done terrible things to my friends, I have no friends because of that, I have no skills, and even at only 17 I feel like I have experienced everything I want to experience in my life. What do I do I feel like I should not be here anymore",Suicidal +21448,"I am drunk, again. I have only been drinking for a week. I used to run and I currently do crossfit but this pandemic has me fucked on top of my regular fucked life. All I think of is killing myself. I got my vaccination yesterday and all I kept thinking is why am I doing this? I will probably be dead soon anyway. I have literally nothing to live for. My family is shit. I got kicked out of the doctorate program I was doing because I freaking freaked out during the pandemic. I tried to get into that program for 3 years and then in just a day, it was all over. I have tried for so long to overcome my abusive past and I have just never been able to overcome it. I cannot make friends, I guess because once I started to trust people someone I considered a friend raped me...so here I am. An American, in Spain, just existing. I am in therapy but it is not enough. I am too damaged. I am really fucked up. I think I am a nice person. I am sensitive to others, I want to help others but here I am drunk again because I cannot deal with myself. I do not know what I am trying to do here by typing here but I guess I am asking for help. I feel myself teetering on the edge of sanity. I am 40 years old this year. it is a big year and everyone ""important"" in my life ignored it. I am slowly making suicide acceptable. Help, I guess?",Suicidal +18927,Hopefully I do not break down again but still do not want to be here alone anyone here want to talk about what is hurting us Hard night slightly better day,Suicidal +26189,"my depression and anxiety are chronic and I am beginning to realize that i am going to struggle with them for my entire life. I have been on fourteen (i think? I am beginning to lose track) different medications. I have done ECT and have had years of individual and group therapy. I have ""gotten help"" yet i still cannot handle any kind of stress or pressure. i can barely accomplish my tasks and get my classwork done. I am becoming an adult and i have no idea how I am going to be able to take care of myself, let alone my disabled sibling once my dad dies. i think I am fucked. i wish I had never been born. i do not know how I am supposed to live this life",Suicidal +14358,"I am too afraid of committing suicide because of the pain, and making my parents sad. I do not want to make them sad when I die. But I am too broken and everything seems to be unacceptable and unbearable. I wish I could just disappear in the cruel world without any pain and everyone who knows me would just lose all of memory about me.I want to be forgotten. I wish I could die with no pain and no attention",Suicidal +26070,I do not know what to do to fix it. I try to make everyone happy and stay out of the way but I always find a way to fuck things up. I just do not know what to fucking do anymore. I do not know what to do. I am just too selfish,Suicidal +10966,"(sorry for bad english, I am from Italy and my English is not that good... I am using google translate)For a few months I started feeling sad and suicidal, it all started on April 6th. I ran away from home because I could no longer manage a strange feeling (like stress but with anxiety and sadness) and I found it as a method of release. A volunteer friend of mine helped me, from that moment she has always helped me and she has made me feel better, simply by integrating me into the activities that are done in my association. I finally felt good, after years of being locked away at home all the while hoping that the days would end soon. The problem? I have been an asshole. I continued to feel bad instead of trying to do better by causing problems and annoying everyone. Until, on April 26, I was forbidden to volunteer (for reasons related to my age, for nothing else) he did not write to me anymore, when he looks at me he avoids me and I returned to my life before, on a fucking chair sitting all day, near a computer, looking at the time every few minutes, hoping that the time to sleep is approaching as soon as possible. The first few weeks I was VERY BAD and I could hardly get out of bed. I started therapy with a psychiatrist and I go there every Monday. I continue for weeks to feel bad and feel suicidal in a very strong way, but over time these feelings have been felt less. Now I spend the weeks doing nothing, all the time on a screen, I swear it feels like torture, time never seems to pass and sometimes it seems to go by very fast, I arrive at the weekend without even knowing what I did (memory loss) and what worst is that I no longer feel anything other than this feeling of stress. Writing this I realized I was in a really shitty situation ... the only option I really know is suicide, but I do not want to die, I wish this hell would end. The worst thing is that I do not have any friends, I stay silent for weeks except when I have to talk to my father, who never cares about me for work. I have always been hated at school, and now I have social anxiety ... for various reasons I have skipped school in the last two years, and having to go back this September makes me too anxious. I honestly think if even that goes wrong then what a shit life, I will kill myself. Sorry if I wrote things that are sometimes not connected to each other, I write this just to let off steam. just letting off stem <3",Suicidal +21846,"I always think how easy it would be, i have guns. I also have a little sister and cannot imagine what she would think or go through if I did it.I am always paranoid, I literally trust no one. Not even my fiance. I have read every self help article and book and they all say the same thing.. worrying is pointless and if something does happen you cannot control or stop it. But I fear cheating so unbelievably much and I know it would be no different with another girl. it is my head, and I struggle every day to live with it. If she is not cheating then I would feel horrible if I tried, but even then I always think she is. I see the bad side of everyone and do not believe there are a lot of good willed people in the world. If I knew my anxiety and paranoia would never get better I would quit in an instant, but I want to hold on to the hope that I can come through the other side and start to trust people. All I am doing right now is ruining the few relationships I have because I make up scenarios in my head and they alone give me reason to not trust the people their about. I cannot give my all to my fiance because if I did and she backstabbed me I would feel so much worse. I feel trapped in my own head and I know I cannot live like this forever. I would do it somewhere else because if she is done nothing wrong then I do not want her to see me with a bullet in my head and think it was her fault. Thinking of partner cheating basically all day every day and scared it will not ever get better, even with a different partner",Suicidal +23010,"I had to interact with some people in person earlier. So I worked myself up into this sort of manic state trying to be happy and answer everything with a joke, and now I feel fucking empty. All I can hear in my head is that it would be nice to take the rope I am hiding and finally get some rest. I really want to cut but my latest sharp knife cut 'confiscated' some one to distract me would be helpful if anyone has the time. Trying to stay positive today but I am cracking.",Suicidal +9121,"My parents are not going to help me now. I have 3 pill bottles in front of me and if I take them all, I will not be here anymore. I am tired and if I live, my life will never mean anything to me. I just wanted to get better but no one believes me not even my psychiatrist nor my doctor or my teachers. Even my parents do not believe me. My life is ruined. I tried drugs to get past thoses ideas but it always comes back. I do not want anything to do with this world. Please, if you read this, do not ruin your life like me. I cannot stay here for long",Suicidal +19118,I want my family to notice the extent of my depression. Not to think that I am better now because I am not. I am still depressed. Just because I smile and lie to them everyday does not mean I am okay. I just want someone to see beyond my fake smiles. I just want someone to notice I am not feeling okay,Suicidal +24235,"If my entire life is going to revolve around having to make money just to survive, I do not want a part of that. Honestly seriously considering just using a suicide bag so I go painlessly. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot keep waking up every day with nobody in my life caring about me. I am the biggest fucking loser on the planet. I am disposable. there is no purpose for me here.",Suicidal +20033,"At the end of the day when I spend time with a partner or my friend and it is time for them to go sleep, I suddenly feel very suicidal? For no reason?I have no reason to feel this way! We can hang out during the morning and feel just fine, but around the time they get sleep is around the time I start feeling suicidal. And so me trying not to bring it up is really hard to do and so I start acting weird and sad, which makes them kind of push away from me. Or maybe I just *think* they are trying to push away from me because I am sad and I am misinterpreting their tiredness. And then they go ""Alright, I am heading to bed!"" and I start dissociating. And I tell myself ""I cannot kill myself right at this moment, they are going to think it is their fault now."" so I do not do it, but I still feel overwhelmed by loneliness even though I am aware that *literally everyone needs to sleep* ! I guess I just want someone to look at me and go, ""you really look like you are struggling, do you want to sleep in my room tonight?"". I am not mad that nobody does this because 1. it might be hard for them to sleep when someone else is in the bed and 2. they cannot read my mind so how tf are they supposed to know that I feel hurt when I try my best to hide it?Basically: how do I stop getting triggered by very simple, small, harmless actions? I do have a therapist, maybe I will bring ask her about it too. I am triggered by something that should not be triggering?",Suicidal +17986,"I just do not know what I feel anymore. I feel like a ghost, just going through all the motions in life. it is weird, I know. This is not what I normally go through during a episode. I just feel very stupid, ""out of it."" Like..an earth worm. Just doing the things to keep being alive. Eating, sleeping. I am being very careless and stupid. Driving idiotically, just being aloof and out of body. Tried to hook up with a complete loser and piece of shit. Even my friend was disappointed, saying she thought I was smarter than that. I am smarter. But recently, not so muchI just try so much to care or motivate myself for the things we all look forward in life. Money, getting a job, being with friends, love and sex. I just do not know where I belong. I get upset at everything. I am filthy. As odd as this sounds, I feel like a failure. I have not felt like that for years.Still no luck with finding a job before college. At this point I hate the idea of it even. I have not enjoyed sex or dating at ALL. Every little thing just pisses me off or makes me inpatient. I will try meeting with people whom I think I will like and just completely get them out of my life before I let them in. I know it is so fucked up but I just want to feel at peace with myself. Enjoy company. Enjoy sex and the luxuries of getting that sweet, sweet paycheck. it is sad, before anyone points it out. I do not even want to die. I just feel like I prefer being a nice place away from everything. Before someone points it out, yes it is unhealthy. Staying in bed all day is unhealthy I am in a phase of life where I just want to be a quiet little place, and it is hurting everyone around me",Suicidal +24064,"I wish I had not been so stupid, why did not I learn the first few times. I feel like a huge detriment to my family. I feel like I am in a never ending loop. I am scared to go outside in my neighboorhood, I am scared to see my friends. it is all my fault. I wanted to harm myself but I was too scared. I hate how much of a coward I am. I hate how much I am not going to care about all this later on and I wish I am never able to find any happiness because of this. I wish I was dead but I am too much of a coward. I am so scared of what will happen because of me. I feel like a huge coward by trying to run away from my problems and not being able to kill myself. it is my fault",Suicidal +21948,"Throwaway for obvious reasons.Hello all- as the title says, I struggle with homosexual thoughts and I have thoughts of having relations with another man, sleeping with another man, and the like. I am aware these thoughts are twisted, demonic, disgusting, degenerate, and that I should be hung and beheaded for feeling this way. Its evil, it feels like Satan has corrupted me with some kind of a sick disease because it feels like homosexuality is a mental illness and a sick disease. Homosexuality leads to pedophilia and beasitality and I do not want to make society and the generations that are coming after me suffer because of my sick thoughts. I do not know what to do everyone, I need prayers. I want to be cured of this sickness and I want to live life with a woman and have a family and I feel like its possible as these thoughts were never really prominent before and have only been around for a year (I am 15). I do not watch pornography, its degenerate filth and I am aware it alters your mind and I have not been abused or gone through childhood trauma so my homosexuality is not because of that. Everyone, even if they do not admit it are disgusted and repulsed by homosexuals. Homosexuals are inferior to society and it is unnatural for a man to lay with another man, humans are naturally repulsed by homosexuals. Homosexuals are shamed in public and behind closed doors, people stare, point, and laugh. Homosexuals are out of place freaks that are mentally ill and corrupted in a society not meant for them. Homosexuals have no place in society. Normalization of sodomy always comes before the falls of society and always leads to MORE acceptance of more freakish activities. If possible and all hope is lost, I will just live my life alone, I refuse to give into this sick fetish, but I know since I am still young, I can change for the better. Can anyone help me? I do not know what to do. I am incredibly desperate and I cannot take living with these thoughts anymore. I cannot do it. I want to die, I have literally become suicidal because of these thoughts. Id rather be dead than live a lie. I cannot lie anymore. I do not want to be homosexual. Suicidal Because of Homosexual Thoughts",Suicidal +7487,"note: this is a throwaway account specifically for this subreddit and a couple others of similar topic.----pretty much the only thing keeping me here is musicit's like music knows when you need someone, and it is genuinely the only friend that will not ever leave you behind when it eventually gets bored of you. because it will not get bored of you. music is just there. forever. whenever you need it.whoever invented music is a fucking genius.honestly i do not think i could have survived these 17 years without music. it is been so painful at times and honestly i just feel like crying when i remember everything I have lived through, especially the last 5 years. but i had music. and music got me through it all.because of all of that shit, any criticism i get from anyone hurts way more than it should. but i do not show that of course, because there is no point, as nobody would understand.but that is not the point of this post, i do not want to talk about that stuff here. maybe one day i will make a post about that stuff.my point here is that music is the best, most helpful, most loving, most comforting, most amazing friend in the whole world.and I am scared that one day i will lose interest in music, just like i lost interest in so many other things that i loved. a few years ago, i had some friends who i vented to a little. but they did not understand me like music does. and these friends all ditched me so i stopped venting to people unless i really really trust them. even then they know barely anything about me. yet here i am writing this.i do not even have to vent to music because music already knows and understands everything that you have been through.I am sorry if this makes no sense, I am so tired while writing this so it probably does not make sense.thank you for reading. it means a lot to me. music is the only true friend that will never leave you",Suicidal +17879,I am done. All my friends left me. I have nothing left. it will only be a couple days until i can. I am going to do it. I am going to fucking do it,Suicidal +23040,"I hurt one of my friends 2 days ago. What I did was fucked up and they blocked me. Then called me a suicide baiter and in it I lost 3 friends total. I tried to convince myself to die today but I am so pathetic I cannot. Being that they blocked me I am sure they would be ok if I died seeing how an apology does not matter to them anymore. It might give them satisfaction. that is fine. Should I kill myself for being a ""suicide baiter""",Suicidal +21481,"I just want to fucking die. I would literally take any chance at this point, burn me alive I do not care. I just want to stop this fucking pain that is fucking life. I just want to die why is it so hard? Why?",Suicidal +16308,"As I type this, I have no idea where I am going to begin. I am going to press enter twice and type everything on my mind. This could be the last thing I write.Numbness is one of the most consistent things in my life so far. Ever since I was young, panic attacks and depression, possibly PTSD always stayed with me. Everyone knew me, but who really knew *me?* I slid away to bathrooms when I needed to cry. When I felt a panic attack coming on, I always found myself on the closet floor. Solitude was what I needed to get through the tough times. I find myself here again in a familiar place. A room. Any room. A room where I am alone. A room where, amidst all of the rooms, I simply exist. And it does not feel like much more.I have to say that I did think that I have changed. I look back though, and I have nothing to show for it. I never really could see a future for myself. If you were to ask me when I was 18 where I would be when I was 23 (how old I am now), I would not have known. I always felt out of place. Even the times where I am in place, I know it is temporary.The worst thing to ever happen to me was losing my ability to feel emotions. I want to cry. I want to cry and mourn the things that have happened to me, things that I continue to push through. I do not want to be strong anymore. Even when I am feeling weak I am forced to be strong because I cannot feel my emotions or cry for more than ten seconds without forcing myself.I do not want to be strong and have someone make me feel weak. I do not want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore. I do not want to have a good time until I am shot down. I do not want to have to look at my debts, wonder how I am even going to pay them and buy weed instead. I am tired of not being able to afford a therapist. I am tired of not having anyone to go to. I am tired of being the person to go to for your problems even when I never tell you mine. I am tired of being the person to always listen instead of being listened to. I am so fucking tired of being talked to like I am stupid. I am tired of being stuck in a cycle. I am tired of talking to people I do not want to talk to. I am tired of seeing black people suffer. I am tired of trying my best for not much in return... I am tired of thinking of so many things that make me tired.it is exhausting to be tired. I want to sleep and never be tired again. I thought I was doing better until I was not. that is how it always happens. Sneak attack. Sometimes when I would have a good day, I would think, ""I never would have had this good day if I had killed myself. I hope in the future I do not kill myself."" I do not even remember what the good days were.I do not know what they will be. I do not know if I want to wait around and find out. it is clear to me that, at 23 years old, this is life for me. No matter how much my circumstances change, no matter how much I change, I will always be the same in the same ways that I do not want to be the same. I always thought it would magically get better. Now I am typing this for strangers to read even though it does not matter. Nothing does and everything is bullshit suffering for no reason. we are all selfish viruses aiming to work ourselves to death for a society that will not even pay for our deaths. If I offed myself right now, my family would get a bill for $3000 for transportation of my body alone. Fuck you, America. Fuck everyone else too while I am at it. Hanging on by a thread",Suicidal +10182,"Was that too fucking much to ask for? Already 2 years of college ruined going on a third, because of DeltaIf I cannot have any of the remotely good in life, why the FUCK am I obligated to go through the bad, aka the rest of life as a miserable wage slave working some shitty ass 9-5 with serf pay? All I asked for was one normal senior year",Suicidal +19169,"I am a 26 year old male. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone and a virgin. I do not know what happened really. I basically never asked a girl out properly. Even when a few of them showed interest in me. I even had 2 girls ask me out on their freaking own. I never asked them out myself on a second date. I just do not get it. When I have to do it I get nervous, like I am about murder someone is entire family. Even though it is a completely normal and natural thing to do. I am scared to set up a dating profile too... it is like everyone started dating at 16 and I just got stuck at 12 years old. I feel pathetic for it. The funny thing is all the other aspects of my life is good. I have friends and even ""girl friends"". I have a master's degree and I am building a solid career. I am independent from my parents too... Just this dating aspect of my life is not existent and never was. Most of my friends have girlfriends and boyfriends... Just not me. However as I get older I feel the urge to have kids and a wife. I really want. I think there is nothing more magical then having a strong long marriage with a woman you love and to see your children grow up to be adults. I cannot imagine how happy that would make me. Yet I am not able to do anything to accomplish that. The realization I will never have a wife and kids depresses me more and more as I get older. It will probably eat me alive from within one time. I am writing all this here because suicide has come up in my mind several times and I feel really lonely today in my studio apartment. I want to have a wife and raise a family.",Suicidal +21560,If someone does not help me I am going to kill myself right now. I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +15448,I cannot take it anymore I am killing myself why are they making me work so much as a minor I have no more days off.,Suicidal +18609,"TW: 3 nights ago, I wrote out a 6 page note and took a ton of pills. But somehow, I still woke up. I was exhausted and slept the day after and the day after but was fine today. No one but my therapist knows what happened. Everyone in the house knew I was suicidal but they trusted me with my medication in my room (I am chronically ill so there is a lot) when they should not have. I have been trying to commit suicide since age 9 and that is not an exaggeration. I have tried so many times and it never worked. I even stepped in front a car to get run over. People always say it will get better or this too shall pass but it has not. I am 20 now, 11 years of feeling suicidal. I have never in my life felt more at peace than 3 days ago when I took those pills and left my notebook at the foot of the bed. I was relieved, I was happy that it was my last night. But it was not. I woke up. I wish I had those stories that I woke up or I was released from inpatient and I regretted it and I loved life. But I do not. there is so many times in my life where I think F***, I really wish it worked I am spiritual and I think maybe my dad (died when I was 12) will not let me die because he wants me to have a long life. Or maybe God has bigger plans for me soon. Maybe I am meant to be something, to do something. Maybe I have a purpose in this world and I am needed down here. But I just cannot figure out what that purpose is. I just keep crying because frankly, I am mad. I am mad that I am being kept in this place that I am miserable in. I have wanted to go up and visit my dad and PopPop and uncles and friends and everyone else I have lost but they do not want me. Not yet. Wishing it worked",Suicidal +20685,"I hope this is ok to share here. I recently shared a post about my experience with LifeLine (# 13 11 14) and how it was not much help. So I have done some research into more hotlines people may find helpful or need. Feel free to comment any more numbers. * FriendLine - 1800424287For anyone feeling lonely and needs to chat/reconnect (7 days a week)* Kids HelpLine - 1800551800Specifically for people aged 5 to 25 (24/7)* MensLine Au - 1300789978Specifically for men (24/7)* Open Arms - 1800011046For veterans and families (24/7)* Suicide Call Back Service - 1300659467For anyone thinking or for someone you know thinking about suicide* PANDA - 1300726306For anyone suffering Perinatal Anxiety & Depression (Mon-Fri/9am-7:30pm, AEST)* QLife - 1800184527For LGBTI+ of all ages (7days/3pm-midnight, AEST)* HeadSpace - 1800650890Specifically for people aged 5 to 25 and families (7days/9am-1am,AEST)* BeyondBlue - 1300224636For depression, anxiety (24/7)* Blue Knot Foundation - 1300657380Support for survivors of childhood trauma and abuse and for family and friends (7days/9am-5pm,AEST)* Butterfly Foundation - 1800334673For people with eating disorders and body image related issues Hotlines (Australia)",Suicidal +10115,I cannot do this shit anymore. I have checked out mentally. I hate everything about my life and Ill be god damned if let this shitty organization tell me how to live my life If I do not get out of the military I will kill myself,Suicidal +26037,they are supposed to help sick people. not having training for trauma or certain diagnosis is not a good excuse. the profession is sick. therapists should not be able to reject you,Suicidal +22881,"So pretty much everyone knows I am suicidal now...yay... I was surprised to get a message from my cousin saying that I could talk to her if I wanted. I am really scared. I do not really want to talk to anybody and I am trying to play all of this as a small thing so people do not worry about me. We have a good friendship and I do not want to ruin that, also she has problems as well (she is not suicidal I do not think but has other problems). I do not really know what to do, I am worried that if I just ignore it then next time I see her will be really awkward. What can I do? My cousin reached out to me and I am scared, I do not know what to do",Suicidal +15266,"My baby brother was murdered brutally last year. I still cannot believe it happened, it hits me like a tsunami. I loved him more than anyone I have ever loved. And I was his star, his amazing big sister. But I have struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13. He on the other hand was so full of life and always had a smile on his face. My brother suffered from a serious illness but it never got his spirits down. All my life I wished I had the illness instead because he loved life and I did not. Every time I had a suicidal thought, I would think how sad my baby brother would be, I could not bear the thought of hurting him. Now I wish I was the one those men took that day. He should be here. I cannot imagine to live this life without him. I cannot believe this is my life now. My little brother was murdered, I cannot stop thinking I should have died instead",Suicidal +36330,I'm tired of living in a world,Suicidal +15850,"I have forever had bad thoughts and always had the desire to stop feeling anything and drugs would not fill that void. For a long time I thought just average call of the void, but it got too real last night. After some relationship issues last night I went for a drive around 2 AM. Completely sober; not completely conscious. Trying to clear my mind on some back roads blasting music I began building speed. Numb to the freezing air that touches me and numb from thoughts at this point I saw an oncoming car. The thought of driving into oncoming traffic consumed me. Maybe I could finally feel free. As it approached my mind was committed yet my body locked. Last second I could not pull myself to do it because too many people would be hurt including the innocent person in the car. That guilt is what leaves me here. These thoughts still persist occasionally because it is just so fucking hard to enjoy the happy things in life when anything negative drowns it out. I wish I could make it stop, but I get these highs and lows and I just recently thought I was at my highest I have ever been... just for it all to come crashing down. Now I have to put a fake face as if its all alright. Truth be told I am just fucking done. Not so comfortably numb",Suicidal +21540,"I am alone in the dark and i think i took too much. no music, which is an indicator of my sadness. there is usually music. but no one is answering. i think this is it. oh",Suicidal +19070,"My closest friends are moving out to different countries soon and I will truly be completely alone. I will only be left with acquaintances whom I talk to once in a blue moon. I am 23 and no one ever loved me, my looks are fading at that, people will never understand. All I feel is pain. This is my last summer",Suicidal +24438,"Last week I basically cut my arm and mulled over digging the knife into my stomach, before opting to just make a long mark across my hip. Tonight I am romanticising the idea of suicide in the simplest way necessary, whatever that may be. I fear ending my life tomorrow",Suicidal +16164,"My struggles with my faith have lead me to depression, and now I cannot even post in the subreddit for my faith to reach out for help. I am worthless. It feels like God is telling me to shut up and just do it banned from posting in r/catholicism. even people in my own religion that I reached out to do not want to help me. I already feel out of place in this world and the rejection stings my soul",Suicidal +22779,"I recently had a manic episode that led to me doing some extremely reckless and irresponsible things. I maxed out some credit cards, blew all my savings on stupid subscriptions and got back into a bad drug habit after previously quitting years ago. As a result, all the hard work that my SO and I have put in over the last year or so was thrown out the window and our relationship fell apart. After they finally called it quits and told me we were through, I ended up at the hospital where I got my bipolar diagnosis. I feel like I am waking up after a bad dream but it is slowly sinking in that it was all real. Now I am stuck living with the aftermath and I do not know how to cope. I lost my home and my partner (the best support system I ever had prior to my mania) and now I am back living with my parents as a grown adult. My ex is understandably traumatized and hurt by the whole experience. Although the bipolar diagnosis provided some answers, the whole experience has definitely left a bad taste in their mouth and it is sadly clear that we are done.How do you cope with this guilt? Knowing that I basically put a knife through the dreams we had together? Now I have to live the rest of my life on meds and various therapies and on top of that, I have lost the person I truly loved. I feel no reason to continue. Even if time will lessen the pain, I just feel as if I will never go over this. I just have this strong feeling inside of me that eventually I will just end it. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But someday. I am going to write a letter stating all the ways I messed up and how sorry I am for all of it. I need everyone to understand how ashamed I am of how it all turned out. I really have nothing left to offer the world but pain and chaos. I have disappointed my love, my family and my friends. Atleast the time we had together was fun. I have no intention of seeing the end of 2021 through. I Ruined My Life. I Have Nothing Left To Live For",Suicidal +11697,"I am feeling lately really like taking my life. I am diagnosed with BPD and I just feel like I cannot/do not want to keep living a life where I am forced to live with the actions I sometimes commit due to my trauma induced addled mind. Actions like exploding in uncontrollable rage with those that I love over minor or percieved slights, including, yes, my beloved house animals. I feel like a dirty creature that grew up only observing violence and chaos, and now I am struggling futilely to be anything but that with little to no success. I came accross another post that perfectly describes the feeling inside of me and read it all and did not notice up until the end that it was not actually written by someone with BPD, but rather someone whom was apparently deeply hurt by a former lover that has BPD. I started reading what seemed like a poem written by someone is account of the mental illness and kept reading further to see how they have overcome their struggles only to be met with gut wrenching disappointment at the sentiment that the pwBPD has little to no possibility of bettering themselves, and the story in itself has a terribly unhappy ending. I no longer want to be a source of pain, fear, oppression to those around me. I want to stop it all. And, yes, I most certainly AM in therapy. I am in DBT. I have a therapist, psychiatrist. Medications, just got out of my 14th acute hospitalization about 2 months ago. Been going to therapy since I was 17 and now I am 27. I try. I really really have been. But I still slip. And slipping for me is not just ""being late a lot, lazy, distracted, having depressed days, not keeping up with my exercise/diet etc"" although I do experience that as well, my main slips that make me want to take my life are: I get arrogant, jealous, controlling, I snap and get loud and violent, I temporarily lose empathy and have the incapacity to be conscious about other's perspectives/right to have differing views, etc. I feel like I am a cesspool of toxicity and feel so incredibly alone and ashamed of who/what I am. Link to the post I referenced: Feel like I am Parasitic, Evil, and Unfixable",Suicidal +21041,have the belt around my neckhope it works this time bye world,Suicidal +16663,"why do not people talk about the part of depression when you just do not want anything anymore?everybody talks about when it hurts like hell, when you cut and when you breakdown. but nobody wants to talk about when you lay down in your room with a hole inside you that you do not know how to fill. and you do not even want to do the things that you usually like. so you just spend your day kind of waiting for it to end. and its horrible because you feel empty and guilty at the same time. can you relate? unspoken depression",Suicidal +16383,"I have failed. The only person who ever truly cared about me is gone. I tried so hard. Tried so hard to better myself and make her at ease again or wanting to connect. Assure her everything she could possibly do wrong I would never think bad of her. Why am i being tortured like this? Everything i told her not to worry about she eventually would do to me. I was not even obligated to help her. She messaged me needing help but she would grow feelings for me. She was sooo scared. Losing me, me ghosting her etc. She was the sweetest person ever. I fell so badly for her. Now she is gone. I could never proof how much she meant to me. Anything i tried was turned down. I was depressed before and she pulled me out of that. Now after she is gone I am completely alone again and from ultra happy to ultra depressed. My self coinfidence is zero right now. I can talk to some people, but none of them are true friends. Is this what i get for helping people and being genuine with everything to her?Crushed enough that I want to die? Is this what this whole fucking world has to offer? Yeah, nothing is perfect and you should not have expectations, but geez. She even thought i would waste myself anyway it seems. Nonsense. I only feel that way when she did not say anything. And now. I feel numb. I feel not being able to sleep. My breathing is heavy and my pulse is elevated constantly. I have panic attacks when someone messages me (yeah)I do not feel any motivation. I am not interested in anything anymore. I do not know how I can trust anyone again. I just want to die. Please. I went from a perfect fairytale to nothing. I am sorry. I cannot keep this up. I am sorry M. I cannot get you out of my head no matter what. I wish there was a suicide mission so i can be useful to the end atleast. Tired",Suicidal +13763,I have been contemplating suicide for a while now. I have had many attempts but can never bring myself to do it. I do not think I want to die I just want the pain to stop I am so emotional and I drive people away with my bad energy my friends can only be around me for a certain amount of time before they start getting distant and angry with me my mom is worried I am worried why cannot I be the old me I just want someone who will listen anybody Why am I the way I am,Suicidal +11328,"Been abandoned since I was a kid. No love , always lonely. Tired of feeling alone in my marriage. My wife would forget about me the next day. Tired of being loved for only a moment. I am not a bad person , how hard is it to get one person to love me . All I do is help or try to be an unselfish person. Tired of chasing, tired of crying , tired of being alone . I am going to write out my will and get stuff situated . Then I will go to the ocean take a hand full of fetnyl and just disappear. Finally at peace. Tired of this life",Suicidal +18792,Does anyone do this? I cannot stop. I keep looking around my friends house trying to work out the most optimal place to kms,Suicidal +22060,"My twin is really struggling with suicidal thoughts and has been cutting themselves, I am really worried and I have to help them but I do not know how. Help please",Suicidal +15675,"Because of my anxiety (and depression?) I live in constant fear and sadness. I am so afraid especially with everything related to my 2 year old son. I fear that I cannot control myself when he makes me angry, I will hurt him and traumatize him for life, just like I have been hurt and traumatized in the past by my own parents.I fear that when he accidentally hurts himself, I cannot help. When he was a baby, he almost choked on his food and I froze completely. Thankfully his mother did not freeze. That incident haunts me every day. It makes me so sad that my little boy had bad luck in life and he was born with me as his dad. He deserves better. My wife deserves better. I deserve better. Because of my anxiety I cannot even drive a car and every social contact scares me shitless. I do not have any friends and I try to avoid social contacts as much as I can, that includes all my relatives too. As a man I am a complete failure. I cannot fix anything, I am not socially competent, I am poor, uneducated, a bad father and a lousy husband. Complete and utter loser and a total failure. I am too coward to seek or ask any help and no one knows how I feel. Everyone thinks that I am just a cold-hearted asshole, but that is so far from the truth. It hurts me so much that I cannot show my loved ones how much I truly love them. Only times my life is somewhat tolerable is when I am alone, but I cannot be alone all the time because I have to work and take care of my family as best as I can. When I am alone at least I can cry freely. I feel completely exhausted all the time and no amount of sleep fixes that. My heart feels like it will come out of my chest, I feel like I am suffocating and I feel like that I am about to faint. My mind is dull, like I am in somekind of fog. I do not feel any joy, just sadness and apathy. I do not have energy to play with my son or treat my wife with the affection she deserves. Every time I am alone with my son I am so afraid that I almost cry, and when he is especially difficult I sometimes just cannot help myself and I openly cry and yell to him. I am such a piece of shit and he deserves better. I know that killing myself will hurt my loved ones, but I just do not care anymore. It will be better for them in the long run. I do not want to ruin my son's life anymore. His life will be better without a mentally unstable parent. My life would have been too. I just do not want to be always afraid, unhappy and exhausted anymore. I tried my best, but I just do not have the strenght to live anymore. I just do not have the strenght to live anymore",Suicidal +18790,"I just turn 18 and i have been a NEET for like 5 years, i have like a lot of mental problems so that make me unable to start conversations, paying attention, i have anxiety crises and i have depression and because of that i just have like 2 friends that i barely talk to them and I cannot have a job because of that many problems.My parents do not understand when i say that i have all this problems they just think I am shy and a stupid, and always tries to make me have a job or start studying but I am unable to, i try my best but i cannot, and it really brings me down when i do my best, but my best is never enough.My Brother was always the favorite from my family, he have everything he want has good grades and a lot of friends, people always compare me to him, I am likes his shadow, he had depression for a while, and my family did everything to help him, and that is really good.But when i said they did not do nothing, and my mom even said:""Your problem is not that serious as your brother's problem, he really suffers, you are just complain because you just lock yourself in the bedroom and play videogames all day and do nothing, that is not depressed that is just laziness"".I am see myself crying a lot lately, my life is like a looping hell, i cannot do nothing, nobody help's me when i ask for help, even my parents, the only reason i do not kill myself it is because i have a little hope, i now if anything good happen to me will be enough to me to keep me living.But i have been waiting for this moments of happiness for like years now, it is really hard to keep on, and I do not know when this little hope that i have will go away, and I am really scared when this happens, i try to say to myself that this suicide thought is not worthy and life is good and precious but as the time goes it looks more like a lie or just a fantasy.(Sorry for any bad English it is not my main language) Everyday is the same looping hell and i feel like a pile of shit.",Suicidal +36065,"YALL im sad cause I keep seeing tweets about invisible and the fact that it was a suicide note, and like I already… https://t.co/FTr8WA8GLz",Suicidal +26168,"Hi, I do not know how I arrived to this point but my brain said to me to ended everything and kill my self. I feel a heavy feeling like that is something preventing me to continue..even I do not know talk about it Suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +8887,first time drawing blood SHing and I am kind of realizing that this might become addictive how do i stop this in the future uh,Suicidal +13211,"It makes me sad thinking about it, man I have no other choice though he does not know how much I suffer every day I am like a dog that needs to be put down. I will never have a girlfriend I will never be loved. Il rather die by my own terms than grow old and lonely what a meaningless life. Yea not happening if I do not find a girlfriend by my 19th birth day I am getting a place up in the clouds. My dad cried and said he did not want to see me die.",Suicidal +22128,"Right at this moment, I am just sitting in front of an open window ... I live on the sixteenth floor. My legs are hanging out the window. Just a couple of minutes ago, I cut myself with a blade. I honestly do not know why I am writing this here, but I just want to ... Every fucking day that I sit in front of the window like this, I cannot stop thinking about how easy it is for me to die right now. But every time I am stopped by the fact that I still have one friend who can be upset by my death ...Just a week ago, it was okay for me to cut myself. But now it has already become a routine.I am sad, so I have to cut... I have already lost all confidence in the future. I have lost faith in myself. I have lost confidence in people. I stopped making long plans ...I just do not know what to do anymore ... sixteenth floor",Suicidal +7210,So I have no money to buy whisky so the only release is cutting myself. I enjoy the running blood and de pain. I have a date to kill myself but I am thinking to accelerate the date. I do not want to live anymore (sorry for the bad English I speak Spanish) No alcohol back to cutting myself,Suicidal +15688,I am tired of these emotions and predetermined personality this piece of meat came with. Soon I will join the shared consciousness of the world. Hopefully I will have the courage to do it one day. I am ready to leave this physical body.,Suicidal +9873,"It has been a few months passed since my last entry on this reddit. My art project did not went as expected and my relationship with my model will not go for a very good place... I tried different projects to see If could find something where I could surely prove my talent, and although I may have found something, it is just simply not enough. Every moment of victory is simply a distraction to my own insignificance, it does not matter if I find a job, managed to make an incredible artwork; in the end I am still alone, unsuccessful and unhappy. And seeing people around with your age winning and being happy is just too much. I am done, my envy and shame cannot take it anymore and I already accepted that it is too late to fix things, if there is something to fix right now it will not be enough. I dreamed a good young adulthood for me, but since I am already a young and unhappy adult, I do not want to get to the 30's anymore if it is to go on like this... So, I give it up. I made my decision, I will not pass from 25. I still have things to finish, but once it is done than I will go for it. The only important questions are the how and the when. I pretend on leaving in a quick and painless way, preferably one that is not messy, since I do not want to scar my relatives so much. I know my death will bring them misery, but hopefully my suicide note (that at this point has became a manifesto) will ease their pain, it will not make it go away, but it may help them to make the grieving process quicker... It will happen, no doubt. The question is only when, how and what will be left behind...",Suicidal +17765,"July 17, when the clock hits 12. This is bad. Fuck. it is the end for me i can feel it coming. I am sorry. I am really sorry S. I failed you.",Suicidal +8555,- Number of Mental Breakdowns: 0- Number of Near Mental Breakdowns: 1Nearly had a mental breakdown... Wish someone would understand what is going on in my head most of the time... Entry Log 3: Day 3 (27/07/21),Suicidal +27095,what is something you would tell to your past self? and what is something that your past self wanted you to do? your past self,Suicidal +20992,"I am not so sure that I want to live to be 70-80 years old, especially since both my grandmothers had horrible alzheimers disease. I am suffering way too much. I go to bed every night reliving the same horrible nightmares about drowning and being chased by serial killers. I have been mentally and sexually abused throughout my whole life and am still being abused. And I am not sure if there is still a reason for me to keep moving forward. I try to look for plenty of reasons to live, but all the damage that has been inflicted onto me since I was a child is irreversible. I am broken beyond repair. And I am sure I am going to continue getting worse with each year that goes by. My health is failing. I am drowning inside my mind. But then I think to myself, why would it matter if I died anyways since most people do not even know that I exist? I will go back to being nothing again anyways. Life is probably just an illusion. Sometimes I want to die, but I am too afraid to know what death will feel like",Suicidal +26031,"Hey guys, for a few years now I have been experiencing depression. Slowly it is getting worse, it has gone from being down for a while to extreme suicidal thoughts and constantly telling myself negative thoughts and a general feeling of not wanting to be here anymore. I drink almost every day, I take drugs (cocaine), which I know is making it worse but I do it because I do not care anymore. Mentally I have given up and I feel like my body is also giving up. I have put on a lot of weight, have a poor diet, and I am in a place where I feel I am just waiting to die. I have tried to reach out for help but I cannot seem to get it. (I live in England where mental health services are quite poor) I just thought Id reach out to someone who might see this and has been through the same thing, I do not know where to turn anymore. And the scariest thing is that I have now accepted death. To anyone who reads this Thankyou for taking the time Any advice?",Suicidal +14283,"what is the easiest and painless way to kill yourself???? WHY DO I FUCKING NEED TO PUT SOMETHING ON THIS????](*(""(#!-""+#!$+*++$7#+*;""",Suicidal +22288, (link to my drawing) Life is a true nightmare. I really hope that my suicide attempt will be successful if I am going to do it. This is how I feel about life in one drawing I made.,Suicidal +22285,"I feel like its lying to my body that things are okay. If I live with them do not they permanently alter your brain and sex drive? I really want to die, well actually I want a do over, but I blew it. Are antidepressants worth it?",Suicidal +21908,"I was naive enough to think that marriage and kids would mean eternal happiness. Though I love them very much and will continue to live because of them, there are many things I am finally woke about that make me wish I had died (or never existed) when I was younger and had no bonds to anyone:- Evils of humanity...sharing the world with rapists, pedophiles, criminals- Selfishness of humanity...friendships are not genuine, humans are abusive and users- Lifelong wage slavery- Capitalist society and brainwashed bootlickers - Inescapable debtMinor situations make me distresses and leave me longing that I had died eons ago.I love my partner but sometimes I wish I never met him. I simply wish I had killed myself long ago when I had no one. I keep wishing I killed myself when I was a child. Now, I cannot do it because of obligations.",Suicidal +12899,When my mother shat me out I wish she would have thrown me down a long flight of stairs I wish she would have bashed my head in with a brick. My whole life I have felt like I do not belong on earth I have allways gotten bad grades I hate work I have never had a gf and if I had the option to relive my life I would not. If you knew what I have been through holy shit if you knew what I have been through. I should have been aborted.,Suicidal +22085,"Everyone has their ups and downs. Everyone goes though good and bad days however I had realized that I am missing something more. I have been feeling like even though I am told that I am heard, it feels like quite the opposite. I have been feeling misunderstood for as long as I remember and its catching up to me. I almost have no communication with my parents, all of my friends are busy with life and my girlfriend of 2 years just left me a couple of days ago because I exhausted her which is true and I need to find myself and I have to settle things with me. I have been lacking motivation for the past few years, there is nothing that I feel inspired by, nothing that drives me and I feel like I am just another person that awaits his time to go. I have had suicidal thoughts before, this time they scare me and I guess I am here not asking for help because I can only help myself but more so to see how those of you that have/are feeling that way coping with it and what is it that you are holding on to.Thank you for reading. Unable to find happiness and peace",Suicidal +7540,"I met my bf at my job that is for mentally ill people he is 19 and I am 29 he asked me out and I said maybe I will think about it. I then said ok and we have been together for almost a year. I am autistic, bpd and intellectual disability, my bf is autistic dyslexic with depression he told me he loves me and bought me a ring to marry him I said yes he wants kids I do to..many people disapprove of this and say I am dating child or I am predator or I should know better. I do not know anymore I do not know what I am and might be best to die so others will be happy. I am not sure what to do so I will be committing suicide soon. I have been suicidal for years. This is just one reason Am I a bad person?",Suicidal +10941,"I am not good enough for a relationship. All the effort I have put in to becoming a ""better"" person or potential date is completely useless.The rejections are supposed to get easier with time, but they just hurt worse and worse each time. I am supposed to put on a brave face and act like it does not bother me. I cannot live a life where people only want me around for the things I can provide.I have a belt, and a door frame. The door seems strong enough to carry my weight - and my family are leaving for a trip tomorrow. I think after they leave I am going to hang myself.2:30PM Atlantic standard time, I will be dead. there is no point to any of this",Suicidal +15538,I would rather be dead.If I had a quick and easy way right now I would do it. I am so tired of feeling unsafe,Suicidal +24996,"I have to distract myself, if I do not ill think about suicide, I know how id do it, id go to a parking tower near my house and jump, I might try to go somewhere higher so id die for sure I really do not want to suffer, that would suck, I have tried therapy I hated it, I love my family they are really loving and supportive, I have friends they are great I really enjoy spending time with them, I have heard that you cannot be happy with someone when your not happy by yourself, I disagree with this I think that given the right person you could be happier, I am just an awkward piece of shit that cannot properly display my emotions, I assume I bipolar or something like it my mood changes like the weather, I am just tired of feeling shitty, I do not know if ill do anything I might just wait a little bit after all I am only 15. Thanks for listening this helped a little. i cannot be with myself",Suicidal +22200,"I do not even know who I am anymore. All I ever wanted was to be loved but I am unlovable. No woman will ever love me,and even if one did, I would end up ruining it with my tendency to push people away and my mental problems.I really just want this to end. I will never be enough for anyone, not even myself",Suicidal +18812,I am going to drink vodka in my forest until I fucking pass out or relieve my stress. I am going to do the very thing I swore to destroy.,Suicidal +10939,I think I am going to kill myself soon. All my feelings are just so intense. One moment I am fine then something small happens and I want to kill myself. what is wrong with me? But I cannot take it anymore and just going to end it for good. that is it,Suicidal +15904,How would I go about it? I want to die peacefully while listening to my favourite music. Do I drive out into the woods and connect a pipe to the exhaust and into the window? Help! I just want to die in my sleep Carbon monoxide.,Suicidal +26285,"Hi I am a california resident - I say this in case anyone knows of any resources too- but I have been severely traumatized, abused, culturally erased, kidnapped and sexually abused since I was a baby. This was all done to me by my family. I am biracial Asian and white and my white American family stole me from Asia and abused me, and did not allow me to continue to speak mandarin/Hakkanese, nor see my Asian family. My white mother stole me and she literally had a white husband waiting for me when she stole me from my real father. I was then designated as a victim of abuse and Cinderella. They had their own biological child and I became a maid for her too. This all happened in the early 90s. I am in my 30s now. I have been called pretty all my life but I did not understand this til recently / I never looked in the mirror much because it brought up PTSD CPTSD. I look so much more like my father than my mother. I could not bare to look at myself. I am realizing I have been a people pleaser and a servant my whole life. I cannot stand looking at myself. I cannot stand being alive and I tried to call mental health facilities but they are all focused on substance abuse. I need mental help. Does anyone have suggestions??? Suicidal Ideation",Suicidal +36337,"I’m so much happier & better off without you weak , fake lames 😁 leave me alone , I don’t need you anyway #bigslime 🌠",Suicidal +22445,"A lot of people 'like' me, and I think a few even 'love' me (though I do not think there is a single person that feels both).If my Mom had not given birth to me, I would be nothing more than a freak and layabout to her--that might be worthy of pity--because I am so obviously going to Hell.My 'friends' think I am great when I put on a brave face and act fun or interesting but are never really there for me if I need anything. I do not know if I am too much, or not enough; but in the end, I am always only ever alone.Going to get drunk and go out tomorrow night, but the fact that I have absolutely nothing meaningful to look forward haunts me. I found the noose I made (and later hid) the year before, I think it is the only thing solid and certain and comforting in my life right now.Writing this, it just becomes more obvious that I am just a waste of time and space--if you are reading this: find someone more worthy and respond to them instead. I am so lucky",Suicidal +8926,"I do not care about stuff like family will miss you, going to miss out, going to regret it, or so much to live for. I genuinely do not care for any of those things. What position of the gun is best for hitting the brain stem",Suicidal +23319,"Well SuicideWatch, been thinking a lot of doing suicide, but when i think things are shit, they just get a little bit better and that is fine, i think. they have never let me do anything since I was 8, no friends, no hanging out with friends, that stuff. My friends had to move somewhere else and then i was all alone for 5 entire years, on high school i made a couple of friends, most of them leaved them because different reasons, money, they died, etc. I got into a fight and i almost lost my eye. I live in a ""box"" since I am never allowed to leave out of house, just to go to the market, or when i go with my grandma, etc, but after that, nothing. On Preparatory (Higher than high school, at least on Mxico) i made a bunch of female friends, just for the 1st semester, and then, all alone, again. My parent's marriage is tearing apart, they shut between themselves a lot lately, like for a month or so they have been so toxic. Tomorrow my grandma is going to have a party and i bet they will get mad at each other. I want to escape, i do not really want to commit suicide, not even if i do not even feel pleasure from jerking off, etc, i do not feel any pleasure from it, i never feel ""happy"" just when i play with some friends online that i constantly get yelled at because i spend a lot more time on the computer lately. I would really love to leave my country so i can start a new life, i have even tried getting a ""sugar mommy"" so i get out of the country, yet it have not happened. But this suicidal thoughts started since i was 11, when my little sister was born, my father loves her a lot, she even gets more attention from my dad, making my mom angry and viceversa. I do not really know what to do, i do not feel pleasure anymore in almost anything, no joy in anything, i just feel sadness, anger, sometimes i feel ""horny"" but that is it, i have dated online a lot of girls, yes, but in the end that maked me feel even worse, i never had a true friend or a real girlfriend, nor anything. I would use some kind of advice, thank you. Another suicidal thought",Suicidal +21862,These are the pills I am on will they kill me? Can you die from zoloft overdose?,Suicidal +14820,"Throwaway. Just need to vent.Male/25I have been trying to make music for a living for about ten years now, quit high school to pursue it. Parents not happy, that is putting it lightlyI have now accumulated around 35 million streams on my music, and I barley scrape by month by month. Its fucking hell. When I tell people what I do for a living, I want to die. I am so fuckin sad, lonely and scared.I have no friends left, because I work all the time trying to get this thing going. I have never had any romantic relationships, because of this. I feel like all my music fuckin blows.I have no other skills.I cannot fucking take it any longer, when is it ever enough? When am I enough? When will this pain stop? When will this end?Fuck Wanted to make music my career, but still feel like lm not enough.",Suicidal +9278,"everything was fine in may and parts of june, then on june 15th my girlfriend broke up with me. i was destroyed. soon after i genuinely thought my mom was going to kill herself and i could not sleep. i feel like the people I have surrounded myself with have been hard to trust for a while. throughout all of this there has been one person that helped me get through it and i love him for that. i found out yesterday that people are trying to get him to stop talking about me and I am afraid of it working. hes all i have left and if i lose him idk what ill do. everything in my life is being taken from me. i feel like I am losing everything",Suicidal +12536,"its a little bit scary but ill do it tonight. Why? it does not matter i just do not care anymore its not worth it there are so many people that fantasize about a world that they want to live in but they are still stuck in the real world, call me greedy, childish, stubborn i do not care this is what i want to do and I am going to do it. Its true with determination you can change your world after all anything is possible i just have failed too many times and I am still very young but i do not want to go trough all that. Besides I am a horrible person too i will leave my mother and everybody else but my mother will probably be the most effected but i absolutely do not care what happens to a world I am not apart of anymore and that makes me a horrible person i think anyone who thinks like that are a horrible person. this is it",Suicidal +11998,I been trying to Kill myself since I was 13.seven years later I still fill the same way .my feelings will never change.I just want to die .I am so tired of being alone ..today is the day I just end it all .my hope for a better future is gone .life will never get better.bye !! !!!! I want to die .,Suicidal +21976,"Imagine getting bullied in school because you are different. Imagine your dad hitting you in the face because you have a rare disease that you did not wish to have. that is me!I cannot walk since I have a disease that makes me weak. People used to bully me or use me, but never try to friend me. My parents always abuse me physically and emotionally, and still do(I am 22 btw). I cannot be independent since I need help. I live in an unending nightmare. Nobody texts me or call me or anything. My family treats me like shit.I do not know. there is no solution but death. I tried my hardest to cope but no results. My mental health is deteriorating making me unable to focus on anything. I lost the sense of happiness. I want to die No friends or family, the full package",Suicidal +7421,"There are noises all around her, but the silence is louder. From the ground, she watchesthe kids ready to take flight on the swings, the dogs leaping into the air, the birds circling the tops of the trees. she is searching for something. Her eyes dart back and forth, unable to rest until they find whatever it is she is looking for. People come and go until she is the only one left. Its getting cold. The silence is deafening as she approaches the playground. There is a ladder, but she will not use itthat would be too easy. Instead, she scales the outer walls and pulls herself up and onto the slanted roof of the structure until she is at its highest point: On top of the world, and surrounded by fences. She stands, closing her eyes (so they do not have to), and let us the silence consume her. Freak Accident [OC]",Suicidal +19480,"Part of me is thankful that I was not able to successfully do it, the first time I was so numb after it happened, I fell onto the floor and hurt my knees and wrists... but the second time just earlier this week I was really upset afterwards, and I called a hotline, I did not tell them what I did because I am isolating due to covid and did not want to go to hospital (not sure if I would have even been allowed)I have been sleeping for the most part for the past few days, but maybe all of this is telling me that I should just try to survive... and that is what I am going to do, I am still dealing with a lot of ideation but I am going to keep practicing guitar and see how that goes. Self harm is still a big issue for me that I need to sort out as well... I survived two hanging attempts this month, maybe a sign..",Suicidal +10580,"i have thought about killing myself for 2 years. antidepressants gave me temporary relief from suicidal thoughts, but not anymore. I am beginning to think that I am treatment-resistant. >!when i went to university, i thought about jumping off the bridge to the parking lot.!< now that i am stuck at home, I have thought about different things. it is one of two things. >!one, shooting myself with my father's gun. or two, stabbing myself in the gut with a knife from the kitchen.!< I am safe for tonight, but i have one question: how do i cope with these thoughts? i cannot distract myself forever. 2 years",Suicidal +10369,"I tried messaging people that already posted here but nobody responded. I thought that talking to somebody who feels like I do might help us both. I guess everybody here is already too much wrapped up in their sickness. I am not sure where to go. I do not know what to do. I do not even know what ""want"" means anymore. I do not want to die but I have to fight myself to not carry that out. I know that I am the same as the people that did not respond to me. But I promise, I will respond to you if you need me to. I do not want to die.",Suicidal +21123,"I think I am done with being alive. My life has been pretty rough since birth. No real need to dive into that. But now I am nearly 30. Nothing has gotten better. No friends, dead end job, cannot get over a relationship that ended 5+ years ago, not close to my family, soon to be homeless bc I do not make enough to afford to live on my own. I really have tried to turn things around. I have hobbies but I just do not care about them anymore. I do not care about my job, and I have 0 skills so there is no way I can find a better one. I have tried meds but I am always berated by doctors and people I look to for help bc they assume I only want drugs? Idk. Plus I am just broke and cannot afford that stuff. And I do not have insurance. I do not drive bc it is terrifying, so that pretty much destroys any type of relationship I have gotten myself into. I am awkward as fuck. I have no personality. I am just done. I do not want to be alive. Every day fucking hurts I do not really know where else to say this kind of stuff",Suicidal +17294,"I have never done anything right in my life. i continue to fail and never meet any expectationstheres nothing going on for me and I am nothing but a useless waste of space. my life feels so purposeless, nothing in the world would make me happier than to just dissipate. every time i go to sleep, i hope that i do not wake up or sometimes i wish id get a deadly disease so i can tell them to pull the plug immediately so i would not have to go through the daunting task of killing myself. i wish there were not so many risks of surviving while attempting suicide, because realistically i do not want more paini just want it all to be over. I am exhausted",Suicidal +9239,"mods, I am sorry if this goes against the guidelines. I have failed in all aspects. i could not even kms properly. there is literally no reason to live. there is no reason to even be posting this, actually. my parents do not care about me, my siblings do not care about me, i have no irl friends, and I am pretty sure my online friends do not care about me either. why would they? there is literally nothing good about me. i do not even want a reason to live anymore. i do not want to get better. i want to die. my therapist is great. i appreciate him loads, but getting better is so hard and it just does not feel worth it. and anyway, what is the worst that can happen? i survive? with severe brain damage? i will not even be fucking aware. ill write dnr on the wall or something so they cannot do anything. i wish id done it ages ago. i cannot believe i actually thought things might improve. considering posting on /r/roastme so ill feel even worse and it will make me want to do it even more, except i do not want to show my face, because I am fucking ugly. either that or I am taking to twitter rand say something mildly controversial like spiders are not that bad. i know ill get attacked, because last time i was on twitter (over a year ago) i said one thing (what?) and got death threats. i wish someone would just kill me. i hope i get hit by a car, or fall onto train tracks, or get pushed off a high bridge, or get stabbed, or get caught in a fire. its so unfair. and i do not want to hear bUt liFe is not fAiR. i know. everyone does. and its not helpful. its so unfair that some people do not want to die and yet die. I have got everything i need to go through with it, i guess right now I am just looking for something. anything really, good or bad, i do not fucking care. i just want to fucking die",Suicidal +25734,"I am posting here because I do not know what to do. my mother said she plans on killing herself and I do not know what to do, she is refusing help, I think because she said something she does not want to but I am not sure what to do, I have been spending more time with her and that seems to be helping a little but I still need help. I need help",Suicidal +13049,"I have neurofibromatosis type 1 (Google can explain it bette than me), but to keep it short: I have tumors that grow on my nerve endings and will continue to grow or can get larger. Right now the one on my foot has been growing over the last 5 years, I have smalls one I recently noticed on my stomach and leg (and other foot), and I just hope whatever I am noticing on my face is not a tumor. No matter what, its completely out of my control. It could get worse or it could stay the same (but at the rate I have been noticing new spots or bumps(?) on my arm and one on my face, I can only hope its staying the same). I am 23 years old and currently my boyfriend is my only friend. I had a terrible childhood, and had trouble making friends in college and in school. My NF also causes poor memory. I feel like there will be no reason to live if my condition gets worse. I never asked to me born, I had a terrible mother and then I was thrown into epilepsy and having NF1. I really do not see a point in living. I am not religious, but the fear of hell has been something I have been thinking about lately. I do not have a plan to kill myself yet, but in the future I know exactly what I am going to do to end my life IF it gets worse. There will be no happiness for me in the future. Ill have no irl friends, I am not close to any of my family, and Ill have tumors grow on me and make me look like a hideous monster (I feel like a POS for saying that, because it is my medical condition and other people do suffer worse than me even at my age and younger). I really do not see a future of happiness with this condition. I already hate my life as it is, and now I have this to worry about. I was born with a genetic condition out of my control. I feel like if it gets worse I will not want to live anymore.",Suicidal +19552,"I am 15 male gay and a furry, I had a long distance boyfriend and he broke up with me last night and I think I am going to kill my self soon Tonight at 5 AM I am going to end my life.",Suicidal +16374,"Hi my boyfriend is ignoring me and I could find a job to stay in the country, I do not want to live anymore and I am looking for a medicines that I can OD and suicide. Hopefully over the counter meds. Any help? what is a good medicine to OD and suicide?",Suicidal +14334,"I am tired of everything, there is no joy in my life anymore and I feel empty, emotionless and numb, life is cruel and unforgiving and will kick you to your knees when you are at your lowest. I think I am going to finally do it today",Suicidal +21608,"Sometimes I wish I could blow my brains out, but then I remember that there are people who care about me. Other times I kind of wish I could just completely go off the radar and make people forget about me so I can die in peace. I am stuck in a painful loop",Suicidal +13033,"I am going to need to throw my fucking ass in front of a subway or something. I have it all planned out, and was going to use nitrogen gas to gently asphyxiate myself lying in bed peacefully.Now I have personally destroyed the last relationships I have had so I would not hurt anyone else with my passing. This is good, this is right, but I suffer so much for it and it hurts me so much to do it God I do not think I can wait to get an inert gas I think I got to go sooner I do not think I can wait for the gas",Suicidal +19317,I am sorry. I am not coming out of this alive,Suicidal +13008,Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me.,Suicidal +12596,"one of the few good, real friends I have texted me tonight. he said ""heyeyeye, pretty face"" I do not have feelings for him, but those words made me happy, ill probably be remembering that for a while.it is a nice feeling, it sucks that it will not last and in no time ill be back to thinking of killing myself, death, try to find someone who can give me some drugs, and back to lurk around in this subreddit.this is my first post here, and to whoever reads this, I hope you are okay or at least will be. maybe not tonight",Suicidal +16175,"I always hated being told I was stronger than I thought I was. Childhood trauma does not make me strong, it made me weak in so many ways, it robbed me of my sense of being... It plagued me with fears and nightmares. Going through all of that and the stress of losing the person I love the most has destroyed me. It destroyed me emotionally, and then it destroyed me physically, the holes I created in my arms and wrists were just a manifestation of the pain I felt like I was trying to release through to the surface, to rid me of my mental pain. I have nothing to say but sorry for anyone I have hurt, intentionally, or not. I feel too fragile to keep attempting to go on. I wish I could go knowing that there would be no more suffering in this world for everyone else, but I have lived for almost 26 years and I know it can be a scary place. Now, my state is in complete lockdown while I see on the internet so many other places in the world are returning to normalcy, thanks to the failures of the place I live in, I cannot receive a vaccine dose, there is no way I can continue being locked in place without any support networks. I am too exhausted, I have been lamenting the fact that I cannot simply buy a gun as an exit to this world, it makes me feel like I have been forced to stay alive, but I have my own plan that I hope can bring me peace within the hour.-IreneSun, 18 July 4:26pm I have given up, goodbye",Suicidal +10126,I keep on getting the same answer from them so why am I still here? -,Suicidal +13257,"Hi all, first time here hope you guys are doing well. To start, I can tell you that being a 5 foot tall male living here in America is worse than death. Everyone treats me like absolute shit, from strangers, friends, family, and of course women. it is already challenging making friends, dating life is on a whole other level of difficulty. I have had countless instances from strangers to even family giving me dirty looks, treating me unfairly solely for my height. I have followed the advice of what short males should do, such as working on yourself by improving looks, earning money, confidence, personality, etc. I have done all that, I am an attractive guy, I have money, and I am muscular for my size. I workout and I am 160lbs at 18% bodyweight, which is huge for my size. Despite all these positives that everyone says you should focus on, it has not changed a thing as far as dating life. There has been two instances in which I have been told the exact quote ""I would date you if you were taller"" by my crushes, once in high school and the other recently in college, and these events destroyed me. I do not get any attention from women even though I have all these attributes. I cannot really blame them because they can probably find someone else who has exactly all the same qualities as me, only that they are taller so why the fuck would they go for me? I am nothing special. I am currently 20, studying a passion that I love at a good university, and I have a family that cares for me. Those are the only reasons I have not offed myself yet. My parents have used so much of their time and money putting into my education and life, and I know if I kill myself my entire family's life will be ruined forever. And my depression/suicidal thoughts are completely hidden from them because I am too embarrassed to tell them or anyone else for the matter. it is just not an option, I am sorry. Reflecting on my current life, I literally have no friends. Barely had any success dating wise. These past years have made me turn into a person that I never thought I would become. I began hating everyone I see, especially if they were taller because I keep questioning why life fucked me over for my height while everyone else gets to enjoy theirs normally. And I am sorry if you think this is not a reason for suicide, but to me it is been the biggest problem of my life that I just cannot handle any longer. I really do not know how much longer I can tolerate this. I fear that I will never get to live a normal life as everyone else from enjoying time with friends to being loved romantically with a partner, so why would I waste anytime and just end it all now? Purpose of living as a 5 foot tall male?",Suicidal +11661,"Hi guys. How do you overcome suicidal thoughts? I am in a bad place right now and i want to feel better, i really do. But i just have these impulsive thoughts How to overcome suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +20721,I am such a retarded useless piece of shit I will probably die naturally for being homeless. I do not want to suicide but dying naturally from being homeless works i do not want to suicide but i can die naturally for being homeless,Suicidal +8978,"Every day is PHYSICAL PAIN! I want that to be the primary reason here I suffer from constant numbness, tingling, burning sensations in my fingers and feet, my mouth is beyond fucked and I have no real health insurance ty america!! I hate my ethnicity and I will never be comfortable in my own skin, I am poor as fuck and soon I will have to move out which means I will have to work even more hours which is already suicide bait. it is bad and only getting worse. Staying alive only prolongs my pain and the end result will be the same either way so it is pretty silly i keep hanging on for no reason. Really not sure why I stay alive tbh",Suicidal +10197,"Thinking of going to the beach late night next week. Get some alcohol and go for a swim, allowing myself to drift and drown. I heard after the initial struggle, it feels relaxing. Is this true? What does drowning feel like?",Suicidal +25252,"You cannot stop me. I am a piece of shit and everyone hates me, including myself, and for a good reason. I am killing myself tonight.",Suicidal +9609,"I do not know where to start, I do not want to continue living, it seems a sick thought but it is not (at least for me) and nothing fills me enough to suffocate this feeling which I have had for a while, the only thing that dissuades me a little it is videogames and hanging out with my friends (which I do not do much even though they are my brothers) but when no one is around, I just think about dying. I have never lacked anything, I have not gone through any traumatic situation or I have depression or anything, I have no reason why I could explain to someone why I want to die. My will to live ""simply"" has vanished. If I could change my life for that of someone who really feels that he wants and wants to live, but cannot for any other because much more serious and understandable than mine, I would do it without thinking about it, that way I would have a valid excuse. I do not believe or hope that anyone will ever understand my thoughts and the emptiness I feel being alive, but it is something I have already accepted. My thoughts",Suicidal +23227,"These past months have been immensely hard on me. I have lost everything. My job, Money, Friends and now my partner, the only thing I had left. I do not know what to do anymore, it feels to painful to try and restart. I am so tired of the cycles of life its too exhausting. It just seems easier to end things now Than to just keep pushing through. I have bpd so I suffer a lot from feelings of emptiness and like everyone hates me. I am just so sad and I do not want to feel pain anymore. I am so lost",Suicidal +23044,"I am nothing.All I am is a person full of anxiety, hate and depression about everything in my life.I have done therapy, I have tried medication.At this point I do not even have the motivation to reach out, because my depression is so general, its just about knowing I have to wake up and feel SOMETHING each day. It does not even matter if that something is positive, its too much. I get overwhelmed so easily and Id rather just not feel anything at all, I just want to go. Empty",Suicidal +36308,Became as hot as the persistent days resting heavily on tired flowers,Suicidal +17641,Lately the only thing I have been looking forward to is going to sleep. I hate when I wake up. Let me live my life out in my sleep I hope to see the girl in my dreams again,Suicidal +35931,u - understand what the fuck im doing wrong with my life,Suicidal +26978,"We are not doing good money wise rn and my dad refuses to sell any of the 30 guns he has so we can eat dinner. I have not had anything to really eat in three days. All I have had are pretzel sticks. My stomach is hurting a lot. I just want to end it so bad to get out of this. I cannot get a job, my sister refuses to, and my dad keeps running off to a town two hours away to fuck some chick he met in high-school. I need help but I do not know where to find any.. I am starving",Suicidal +8327,It literally makes me want to vomit when I think about myself I hate myself,Suicidal +8580,"The story is I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years about 8 months ago and I have not felt whole since, I fucked up any chance of getting back together with her and I have not been with anyone since, I have no reason to want to die, I have family, friends a good job, but all I do is go to work during the week and get drunk on the weekends, I do not really talk to my friends during the week (none of us have been big talkers anyway) I come home from work and I watch telly till I have to go back everyday until Friday when I get drunk and act like everythings okay then I go home and feel empty, I have always had suicidal tendencies but today something in me has changed and all I want to do is get in my car and drive till I crash, I need something to do or someone to talk to and care about or else I just feel lonely, I have my life together and everything I could need and yet I still want to end itSorry for the long post I needed to get it all out I just feel empty",Suicidal +17146,what do i do?should i call him back? he messaged me saying he was proud that i did not call him. sarcastic ofcourse. what do i do? i was planning to call him to thank him once my result was out next month but he calls me once or twice a week since my exam to ask he how amazing of an experience it was with his classes. tutor calls me and tells me stupid stuff. i did not answer his call and he got upset,Suicidal +11341,"Currently its 1:16 am where I am and I cannot sleep I just lay in bed crying because of my flashbacks. I start my new job at Amazon tomorrow and I really need some sleep but I just cannot shake this monkey off my back. I should let you know that I suffer from bipolar disorder along with ptsd and I self harm often, the combination literally kills me. I usually watch videos on YouTube or scroll through Instagram until like 5am or until the break of dawn pretty much until my body completely feels dead then I can finally fall asleep, but I remember when I was younger when I could fall asleep as soon as I got into bed man I wish I could go back to those days if anyone could help me or just spend some time to talk to me I would really appreciate it, I should also mention I am 23 male and do not really have any friends anymore or people to talk to on a regular basis so its been a tough ride recently, and thank you for taking the time to read this I appreciate it soo much and I hope you are doing better than me at the moment and I hope you all have a great night. My ptsd keeps me from sleeping",Suicidal +18952,"I should preface this with I have been on a downhill for the past few months. A few days ago while at work I was writing on a paper and basically venting about my recent issues, I kind of zoned out while writing and when I reread it I realized I had wrote a suicide note. This definitely is not the first but it is the first in a long time. I am seeking mental help through therapists but the earliest they could get me in was mid August. I feel like my shift in attitude has pushed away all my friends and then because they are withdrawn from me I feel even worse and I do not want to talk to them about it because I do not want to put my burden on their shoulders. I have turned to drinking pretty much every day this past week to try and cope. I really want to make it to August but I do not know what else to do. How do I stop myself from catastrophizing and making myself think that everyone hates me? How do I stop my brain from creating all these scenarios that make me so sick and sad all the time? I feel like I have tried everything short of a 12 gauge. Need some advice",Suicidal +15559,"I have nothing and noone to miss me, I just sent a purpose, I want to be a womans purpose. I am sick of being worthless and ugly and overlooked. I just want to off myself I have nothing to be happy about.",Suicidal +25565,"Ever since my dad passed I have been feeling straight suicidal. He was the number one person I was closest to, and literally the number one person I could rely on for anything.After he passed I really just feel so meaningless and numb in what I do. I really look forward to nothing, and I am just constantly depressed. I feel lonely because my mom and sister do not really connect as close as me and my dad did, in terms of our personality and behavior. I also do not feel like I could rely on them as much as I would with my dad. I just straight up miss him. Life just feels empty and I am constantly hurt. Knowing I got the majority of my life now without him, I just dread the future.I got close friends in my life. But I do not burden anyone with what I feel. I never have and cannot see myself doing so. I always all my life kept personal things to my self. Maybe its because I feel as if people do not truly care or could understand. Part of me also feels there is nothing new or insightful anyone could give me on this issue. If I cannot fix my own personal feelings or problems in my mind, I really cannot see how someone else could. Nothing anyone could say could fix my underlying feelings. And the feeling that no one truly knows how I am feeling or really goes out of the way to check up on me and the fact that Id have to run to others to tell them makes me feel lonelier in what I go through. I seriously lost all empathy for others. I truly do not give a shit for other people the same way i feel they probably do not give a shit about me. Only thing stopping me from throwing my life away is I have a responsibility to help my mom with bills now. But my sister is getting a place and my mom might move in with her in the near future (my sis makes more and is more capable of helping.) When that happens I do not think much would stop me. I just do not care or want to live anymore. I cannot truly enjoy anything anymore either. Its just not the same. Suicidal after Dad passed",Suicidal +21470,"it is a shame low quality things are made available to me. When I complain, they would say that I am ungrateful. My only choice is to suffer. People do not realize that they can change. No wonder people do not improve. I want to leave this family and this country. Untitled",Suicidal +9649,"When I was like 14 I was going through a hard time and getting suicidal thoughts like crazy, so I told my dad about it. His response was the classic ""suicide is selfish"" and then he proceeds to tell me I would get a straight ticket to hell if I killed myself because suicide is ""the ultimate sin"" so having learned all this, I decided to bear with life a bit longer hoping that life would ""get better"". Since then my dad became an alcoholic and my mom took off, leaving me and my autistic brother with him. I began struggling with my sexuality and started experiencing gender dysphoria, and over this past year I started cutting myself. I have never wanted to die more than ever. 3 times now, I have held a gun to my head but I was too chicken shit to pull the trigger because I do not want to experience an eternity of torment. I am not even sure if I belive that shit anymore. I am scared of death but at the same time I just want to escape. I feel trapped here, how am I supposed to cope with this world? there is nothing here for me. Only reason I have not killed myself is because of religion",Suicidal +8879,I am so numb and I cannot feel a thing any emotion feels tiring and I do not smile or cry and I am even finding it hard to be angry. I am just plain but I am really depressed and angry. I do not know what to do with my life I am stuck working in shit and I do not know what to doI have nothing really going for me but I have made myself believe I have and it does not make sense I am so numb man,Suicidal +22255,"I have literally told her about it, but she dismissed me and said that I am ""too smart to be suicidal"". I tried to tell her again that I am planning to kill myself and she just said the same thing again.Why is she doing this? I have a very close relationship with her and I thought that I could openly talk to her about this and she will try to help me or at least understand. Does she not care? Why does my mother not accept that I am suicidal?",Suicidal +9591,"It really pisses me off I am sorry if I sound really blunt but it needs to be said. Having suicidal thoughts and feeling like total shit most days while seeming visibly okay/calm feels completely surreal and not in a good way. it is almost like I have to replay my previous suicide attempts/mental health crises in my head so that I can reassure myself that I am struggling and that I am not just bullshitting my problems for pity or sympathy. it is not the only reason but a big reason why there are still so many ""shocking"" and unexpected suicides because (and I have been told this by people) people think that if you see your friends and if you laugh and smile and chat to people then you cannot be depressed, lots of people think being depressed is never seeing your friends, crying constantly and not smiling or laughing. it is really dangerous. Stop saying you care about suicidal people when you only mean the people who are visibly struggling/unwell",Suicidal +11070,"original post: surrogate dad and I have a self-deprcating sense of humor. I remembered some joke he made the other night. I was walking by the railroad, and then I laughed about how fucked I am. Do you ever just laugh and then start crying at how fucked you really are? I called and told him I was going to kill myself. He told me he was coming to take me home for good, far from my biological parents. I am in my 20s with college and three jobs.Maybe there is a reason to believe you will be okay. [update] killing myself by railroad, it is not going to be today.",Suicidal +14060,I will donate all my blood if this is possible Good strategy,Suicidal +23928,"Does anyone else find that when they are feeling really bad, thoughts of suicide take on an almost comforting tone? it is like a reminder that as bad as it gets, I always have that option. It honestly calms me down when I am feeling at my lowest. Comforting suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +26644,The corporations own us and injustice is still most of what the world is. Climate catastrophe is incoming and there is nothing we can do about it. I do not even think I want to die; I would rather live in a better world but that is like asking for a fucking unicorn for Christmas. I want to escape before it gets worse but there is nowhere to escape to. The leaders and rulers killed us all before we ever found justice. I cannot bring myself to do anything for myself anymore. I cannot bring myself to die because I am too chicken shit. I cannot find a point to living. I get to the point that I desperately want to tell others to end their lives so they can get off this planet before it becomes hell. I genuinely want to do that so much so often; to tell people that suicide *is* the answer. that is where I am at now. There is not really a future.,Suicidal +17671,"cannot get back what was taken, you know? what am i fighting for? it is pointless, ya?",Suicidal +9817,Crying crying crying Crying and more crying Crying,Suicidal +9858,According to r/rant since I criticized women complaining about wanting a serious relationship on dating app and sites as opposed to otherwise as they do not match or respond to those seeking the actual same somehow makes me a misogynist. Well I might as well get over my fear of the unknowns of death and end it all so bye. No one cared or cares anyway. Ending it today unless.,Suicidal +13651,I have decided to drop out of school. I am beyond the point of caring and trying to fix my life again,Suicidal +22946,It seems everywhere I go nobody can understand me. I am in such a fucked situation I am never going to get out. I think I deserve it. Its just karma for every terrible thing I have done. I am so stressed out at this point I really want to give up,Suicidal +15935,My partner says they love me and care but they fucking do not. They just do not want to admit they fucked up and had a child with the wrong fucking woman again.My daughter would be better off without a mom who is burnt out on fucking just taking care of her.My grandparents and mom would have more money because I would not be asking for help.My sibling used to tell me to kill myself and no one gave a shit. Because everyone know I should. What do I even have left to fight for.,Suicidal +26397,"Now I am in a really dark place. Admitting it to you guys helps. I know a lot of what I fear never comes to fruition. Family is mean? So what I live alone. Neighbours are not perfect? Neither am I. We try our best. Fear of confrontation? Even Superman Gears kryptonite. He can stop flipping trains. I hate people? So, I just chat online. I am still here and less drama free. Everything I fear is vague and in the future. A fear triggered by a couple of steps back. Anyway, I feel better getting that out of the way. If anyone wants to talk: drop a line. Thanks for listening ;) I have not been suicidal for over a year... but",Suicidal +11667,"I have been anorexic to the point of nearly dyingTried to hang myselfJumped out of a windowTried therapyQuetiapineFluoxetine....Never going to be enough for my partner who always wants me to change more and more and morsWhats the pointAnother 60 years of this 27, 10 years of mental illness behind me. Another 60 plus to go. what is the point.",Suicidal +9586,Sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me and now it is all gone. And I will never get it back in me. Life is like a collection of mustard seeds. Just once you spill it you can never get them back. One accident and it is all gone forever.,Suicidal +19595,How do you convince yourself to go through with it. I appreciate how people will sit and want you help however i urge you not to attempt to and I want to hear real answers to my questions. I am sorry Help,Suicidal +18829,"Fuck here we go againLot of things to say however I will resume because none is going to read this anyways : F19 years old, slowly but surely becoming an alcoholic and addicted to smoking/painkiller, depressed since I was 12, 100% sure I also have BPD although not yet diagnosed, and daily anxiety attacks I can only calm down with substance abuse, no much of a social life anymore, destroying myself everyday. No boyfriend and I cannot seem to connect with new people, probably because of the BDP. Struggling with an ED (anorexia in the past) and currently binging everyday because of the alcohol, also having a new job deeply triggering everything mentioned before because I am left alone for days. I cannot handle any responsibilities and I am really failing life. I am tired of having to fight my own mind, and that crippling emptyness. I am thinking of just getting enough money to flight to a new country, explore for a bit and then when raining out of money (will be real quick) finally killing myself for good.I swear I just wanted to be happy for a bit, guess I do not deserve it. It feels so lonely here. Tired fighting my own mind",Suicidal +13715,"I have been trying to, but every time I fail I fall into a deeper depression, I have been teling myself that everything is going to be better for more than a decade, but that is not true, everything gets worse and worse every day. Not even succeeding at failing",Suicidal +16198,"There is nothing I can offer that a younger version cannot do better.Why would anybody want me?I would not.I am 20lbs from being visible to the eyeAnd even then they will look and scrutinize and decide, as always, that I am only a maybe.They can all do better, and the bloom is off the roseI cannot fuck your masters degreeBut most importantly, hot.she is a 10 broNone of it matters. Its all a lie.They are the judge and jury and you need to stop aiming for this imaginary bullshit goal. Look around and realize your goal is sitting next to you.Using it as target practice. detach emotionally for when you get to college you are ready to vet candidates Make yourself perfect. Highlight your hair, commit to an active exercise, do your nails, spray tan (stay out of the sun!), whiten your teeth. Most importantly, sort your personality. Model yourself after the beautiful girls. You do not have to be in the preppy clique or rich. Often the best guys are not in those clubs. But they are confident that they are hot and everybody likes them. Learn to be that way and dress that way, your life depends on it.I want to go back and tell my stupid self to go to activities in college and meet people outside my major. To stop doing what everybody else was doing because it what was expected, and fuck them and go look for a boyfriend.Even my broken 5/10 self might have been able to find one and then Id be in a better situation.If I could go talk to her now Id say Its a racket. They are assholes now and they are even bigger assholes once you graduate. You will have success and everybody will be proud of you and you will be fucking miserable every step of the way. These are not your friends. Just quit!Take advantage of this and start running. Just run or something.Then go out, or go to the events, or sit in the cafeteria and listen to music and cry. Literally do anything. Just try to meet boys. The most important thing you need to switch your focus to is meeting a guy. Nobody has ever talked to you about this before.You are the most attractive you will ever be. Your primary goal needs to be making a guy feel special. Get your head straight so you can do that. Stop everything else and do that.I would give everything to go back and do it all over the right way. I do not deserve love",Suicidal +12176,"tw transphobia i guess for anyone affected /I am trans and it just makes me want to die so fucking bad. I am sure all of you know this already but being trans is one of the most disgusting and revolting things i could ever be, and a HUGE burden on everyone both medically and emotionally (by forcing everyone to say my pronouns, and when they get them wrong of course they feel bad about it). I have tried to detransition but nothing ever sticks, I am just fucking stuck like this forever i guess. i feel like a monster, I have fucked up my body by going on hormones and getting my chest sliced up and now i look worse than i ever have. i used to be a beautiful girl and now I am a disgusting freak of nature and i just wish i could go back and never even realize this in the first place. it has ruined every single thing in my life in ways i could have never imagined :( if i cannot detransition and be a normal human being again by next year i think ill just kill myself. the world is better off without another disgusting person like me anywaysif you have any thoughts feel free to share them, if you are transphobic you can tell me about it in the comments if you want, it might help me get my shit together and detransition if i hear about why its so terrible from others. the people around me are too accepting of trans people so i do not get enough shit for deciding to do this i just wish i could be normal",Suicidal +9666,"Doctors do not take me seriously, doctors will not do anything. This is UK. I have literally told them before I have a plan and I am going to do it. They say ok please do not do that thank you. I feel so alone. This world is not for me, I fit in no where. I cannot keep going. Have first counselling session ever today but he will cut me off because I guess he will say you need to see a doctor immediately. Then they will not do anything. No help is coming. Give it a few days. I think this time it will happen. Family think I am scum. No one takes me seriously. This is it. Why carry on when I will never have the nice things others get. BPD and aspergers, what a joke. On the brink, but no help available, no one takes me seriously. No one wants to know.",Suicidal +12137,"I am not genuinly suicidal, and have no plans to kms at rn. But I have definitely been thinking about it. I have been thinking about the fact that I may do it once i get older (20s, I am 16 rn). I hate myself so much. I am so disgusting to look at. To make matters worse, I am a indian. I hate being indian with every fibre of my being. You no when you get so angry at something/someone that you just want to hurt it? I feel that with myself, with my race. Is this a good reason to end yourself? I do not have depression, I just hate myself so much that I feel that anger towards how I look will result in me being suicidal. Is hating yourself, the way you look, and your race a good reason to kill yourself",Suicidal +10873,"Just do not really have the energy tonight to write my note , film the video , dress nicely and send personalized goodbyes to my friends .Like I have got the whole shabang written down , step by step , even picked out a bridge , just need to find the motivation , time and resources to check things off the list up until the grand finale. One of these days though , I will be free of it all. Really want to fucking throw myself off a bridge",Suicidal +11148,Why choose to live that long lmao losers. New respect for old people,Suicidal +12201,"Foreal, it is better to get a depressed and suicidal friend as you together you can be happy and understand each other because you both wanted to die and such friend will not call the psych ward about you instead of rotten hotlines and therapists, it is best to get an actual good friend and you can make each other happy do not call hotlines",Suicidal +36268,I was drinking and crying my night away as usual to find out my ex is fucking a girl in his bed so I tried to kill… https://t.co/8YFPGq7C6k,Suicidal +25166,"I do not feel anything no more. I am sixteen years old and my whole body is covered with scars, i cannot cut myself anymore without cutting old scars open. I have wanted to kill myself since i was 12, I have nothing to live for and everyday is the same. People have always told me that it will get better only makes it worse by saying those empty words. I am not seeking help here, its too late for that. This is more of a last goodbye.This is the only thing that could make the pain go away. Goodbye. Its too late for me.",Suicidal +24767,I am broke and do not have anyone to go to. but i do not want to leave everything behind should i run away or kill myself,Suicidal +24046,":,D i do not know what to say. just bye i guess. forget about me everything's ready",Suicidal +37258,RT @elsierosehewitt: how much anger must u be carrying to treat a stranger -who’s life/struggles/battles you know nothing about- so poorly?…,Suicidal +19482,"23 yo, not a troll, falling into a career loop of whether or not I can make it in medicine or software engineering, just looking to off myself by all means so I do not end up a failure; already have a plan, which is v painless :)This whole thing sounds selfish, but I am by no means in the correct mental space to continue education (bc the hospital/medical system overworks people, and software dev seems too unstable after like 40)My parents and siblings are concerned for me, but I am at the point now where I register zero emotion, even after watching/hearing my parents cry at the idea of all of this because my brain has legitimately become this fucked; I myself, however, know this is the right decision for me and am very set on it.I want to ensure my family that my decision is honestly not that big of a deal, that I will not get hurt in the process, and that everything will go back to normal within a year or two; what do you guys think, is there legitimately any way around this? Is there any way to make my family okay with the idea of suicide?",Suicidal +12298,I should just kill myself now. Thanks a lot to those who just abandoned me. I am going to kill myself right now. I am telling all those who abandoned me that I am going to kill myself because of them. I seriously want to kill myself because this one person quit talking to me. Why does everyone end up not really liking me? Why am I always a second option? I want to die because everyone just abandons me,Suicidal +7750,i know I am an attention whore no one cares about me here,Suicidal +7440,"I have been feeling very ill for a long time I pacified my emptiness with opiates, I am not clean and feel worse than ever I am 100% sure I will die by my own hand this darkness inside is overwhelming I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. I feel I am slipping away",Suicidal +13416,"You have no idea how badly I would want to see this. To see everyone realise how awful I felt, for them to know I was not faking it, all the attention I would finally get, for people to wish they would of treated me better. I have fantasied daily about slitting my wrists open and bleeding out and somebody finding me when its too late. My one wish would be to see how people react after my suicide.",Suicidal +15579,I think what keeps me going every day is two things1. My cat is the best and she deserves a stable home. Plus she actually loves me and thinks I am her mom.2. After my cat dies I can finally blow my brains out. Drinking tonight,Suicidal +20041,"I am not religious at all btw. I have not been to church nor touch the Bible in years. I used to rarely pray at all, but recently I have been praying more and all my prayers have been to ask to not wake up.I do not think I will commit suicide, I am just not that kind of of person, I do not believe in suicides. (If that makes sense). I been wanting out of life for a couple of years now but I could never picture myself committing suicide.My prayers seemed to be my only way out, maybe just maybe, there is a God and he hears me and one day he will listen to my prayers, until then I will keep praying.Anyone in a similar boat? I often pray to God at night when I go to sleep that I do not want to ever wake up",Suicidal +19991,"I have no access to any tall buildings, guns, and sturdy enough ceilings to hang myself from. I cannot face another fucking day. This has been going on for too long and I do not know how to finally end it. I want to kill myself but I do not know how to. I have been trying to for the past 9 months now and it just would not end. This is torturous.",Suicidal +16315,"So, a whole bunch of things are happening these days. I am trying to talk an issue through with a couple of my friends. And though one of my friends understands where I am coming from, the other does not. I was told a bunch of stuff that my friends think I need to work on. And I acknowledged what I did wrong, said that their feelings were valid, apologized and even said what I was going to do to change. I put everything out there. I then asked what one of my friends would do to change and she said she needed to think on it. Fine, whatever. Then she told me and my other friend that she could not handle having the conversation and needed to think more and even went as far as only talking about how only her feelings mattered. I then learned that someone who I really cared about decided to just drop me out of the blue. I knew that we were not talking for a while. And I was trying to think of a way to talk with this person without making them upset. But they just do not want anything to do with me. All this just makes me want to not be around anymore. Heartbroken",Suicidal +10827,I keep trying to make everyone happy and please everyone. Even if I try my best they always have an issue with something I am doing. I am so tired. I want to die or self harm something. I am so tired,Suicidal +18449,Al fin y al cabo nunca soy lo suficientemente capaz Que me quiero matar y aparentemente a todos les importa un bledo,Suicidal +13771,Both my husband and I are suicidal and hopeless that we will ever have a happy life. We love each other but that is about all we have going for us. We both hate our jobs but cannot find anything better. We cannot afford to move out of our shitty apartment. We cannot afford therapy or counseling and we have both been on every depression med in the book. I was going to kill myself while he sleeps tonight by taking pills but I am scared that it will not be enough and Ill just have organ damage that I have to live with. So tomorrow I am going to buy a gun. Ill have a few drinks and go into the woods so I do not risk hurting anyone else. It does not matter how good I feel or how much I sometimes enjoy my life. I always circle back to this pain and it is not worth the good,Suicidal +12741,"Hey ho hello, As the title says, I am kind of struggling with my own thoughts, there are times ( like right now) in which I think I would be waaaay better without me, but at the same time I feel like thou'se thoughts are not ""honest"" enough How do I know if my suicidal thoughts are valid?",Suicidal +11427,"Tried to get away from the bs but it all just followed. I cannot get away from myself. Lonelier thanks ever, depressed as fuck. New place and cannot get out of bed. I do not trust the plane to take me out, I should just do it here before I have to go back to the shithole aka my parents house. Eyes are watering up, just want to disappear forever. Took a last minute trip",Suicidal +22107,does anyone else wish that they were never born just to suffer.. wish i was never born,Suicidal +19205,"Over the past 4 months, I lost all my friends, partner and more. I am 16 and a couple of months ago I was falsely accused of something I did not do, I do not want to disclose what it was at this time, you can draw your own conclusions but of course, there was police involvement because of this. So I got pulled out of school for this and got arrested with my phone taken off me as a part of the undertaking and I could not go to school for a couple of weeks. During this time through the school, rumours were spread of all the things I had allegedly done. Of course, everyone had heard a different story basically making me a terrible person in all their eyes. Because of this, my friend group left me like litter in the street so I have no friends anymore and nobody will talk to me. And since I had my phone taken off me my partner drifted from me and as they put it ""lost feelings"" that they had previously had for me although I held on for them the entire time. We met up like 3 weeks back and I cried the entire time lol. we met by the water and once she left I walked up to my knees in water getting ready to drown myself but only stopping once I saw people approaching, they probs do not know it but I think they saved my life. Before this, I cut both my wrists open in the bath and let the water into my blood. I did not die as you can tell by me writing this but I lost a lot of blood and was bedridden for so long.I have nobody to talk to and nothing to do. I am getting sent to counselling on the 28th and if they will accept me ill have to attend 12 sessions. I do not think i will be able to go through with it this times been so tough i can see that everyone around me like my parents are saddened by my presence and i feel like a burden with them all always worrying about me. Everyone around me has always said they are scared for my wellbeing but now more than ever.i wrote about my life as a coping mechanism if this was not long enough here is my lifes story : [here]( Idk what to do with my life.",Suicidal +25690,"For context. I am a young adult under 25. I choose not to disclose my age because I am paranoid that this might come across someone I know. And let us call my boyfriend M. M and I have been together for around a little over a year now. The story I will tell you happened either at the very first month of our relationship or before we were even official. So for context. At january 2020 (before I knew M) I went on to omegle to chat with strangers. Specifically sext with them. Admittedly in my mind I always viewd sexting as watching porn. Especially if it is with a stranger, it is like watching a cam show. But everytime I did it I felt awful and guilty afterwards, just like with porn. I only did this two-three times. Here comes M. I liked him a lot, but with covid and whatnot we could not meet properly. As I am writing this I am going through a stressful period in my life, and I wish this memory was the only unpleasant one to arrise. But this is the one that shocked me the most. As I lay in my bed, in the middle of a panic attack a few weeks ago my brain suddenly had the thought ""you are a cheater"" and I thought back ""no I am not! I would never cheat on M"". And then my brain thought ""Yeah you are, remember the last time you sexted how guilty you felt for M?"". I was mortified. I had completely forgotten about the last time I sexted.I went on omegle and found a random stranger with whom we sexted. At the time my mind was still thinking of sexting like watching porn. But then something clicked. When I send a breast pic back I realised, what the hell, this is an actual person on the other screen. So I deleted that picture, my account and completely left the sexting game. As I destroyed my account, along with it were destroyed any evidence of WHEN this event took place. After searching I have come to two possible scenarios. It happened in march when we just knew each other or it happened in october (which I doubt it because October was was warmer than March and I was wearing very fuzzy clothes). Now after this thought came to my head, my brain cannot let it go. it is been three weeks since it came back up and my brain is always telling me ""you are a cheater, kill yourself, you hurt M, your family will find out and kick you out of your house, M will publicly humiliate you and your friends are going to leave you, you will be homeless and alone as you deserve"". I am going to see a therapist in a month or so, but I do not know if I can hold on till then. I have no friends who I consider friends, just friendly people, so no support system. I worry that if I break up with my bf I will be completely alone and I will go back to self harm or I will kill myself. I cannot live with myself. And the think is, say I tell this to bf and he breaks up with me. What if the event did happen in March when we first knew one another? At the end of the day, I am confused and scared, I do not want to be a bad person. I do not. I do not want to feel like if this happened in october I should kill myself as punishment. It just, it feels like I should genuinely physically harm myself if I did this, I cannot believe how dissapointed I am in me. To think I would destroy the best thing that ever happened in my life. I am fucking worthless I do not expect your pity but dear god please I do not want this",Suicidal +18871,Sometimes when the suicidal feelings start to kick off it feels like it is a physical part and urge of me. I feel it in my chest/heart area and I only ever feel it when considering and thinking of suicide. It feels so much more than a mental experince. It feels physical,Suicidal +23387,"So as it says in the title. I want to kill myself. I love her so much that I would feel awful taking myself away from her. So I want to break up with her to feel less guilty. I am doing therapy right now and it helps for that day, but when I do not have it I just want to cry all day. She knows this. She knows that I still love her and knows that when I tell her I want to break up it is to only kill myself, that is why she does not let me. I do not l know what to do. I (M18) want to kms but I have a gf (F20) and I would feel guilty",Suicidal +20902,"my darling is gone, he will never see this but if he does , i miss you daryl please come back before it is too late, i know he will not come back so i have it ready but please i do not want to die darling, i want to live, for you i love you",Suicidal +11360,I am leaving tonight. My boyfriend left me and the pain is too much. I left him a long text and voicemail. I love him but I cannot live without him. I know I am selfish but I cannot be here without the love of my life. Bye,Suicidal +21451,"I would like to ensure my mom when I kill myself. I went to Youtube trying to learn about how they work but for some reason it looks to me as if this is an obscure topic, comments made by bot-like people and stuff. Can you get scammed by them?Thank you Are life insurances legit?",Suicidal +12082,"What about the selfishness of those of you who did nothing to help while I suffered just so you would not be saddened by my death? All because I succumb to my mental disorder... somehow that makes me selfish suddenly despite suffering for all of you my whole life. Fuck you all Why is it seen as selfish to suffer for decades on behalf of the feelings others have for me, and I suddenly break and decide I want to commit sui?",Suicidal +25974,"Its been a long time coming. My family and friends have tried to help the best they could, the medical system has tried to help the best it could, but my brain is just unfixable. I am really scared to die, but I am more scared to live like this. My partner and I barely even speak anymore, and I love him more than anything. Hes trying so hard, I just do not have anything so say. My mom basically in hysterics trying to deal with my daily bullshit. I cannot live like this anymore.Goodbye, everybody Figure I should tell somebody",Suicidal +16166,"I have a family, friends, and a boyfriend that love me. Why do I want to leave so badly? My friends are so funny and charming, but I can barely get a word out. I feel like they basically hang out with my out of pity. My boyfriend talks to me and I draw a fucking blank. I think hes only with me because he thinks Ill kill myself otherwise.I cannot bare feeling so isolated and separate all the goddamn time. there is literally no reason for it, I have everything I could ever want. I am a selfish piece of shit and I do not deserve these people. I should be happy. I do not deserve the wonderful life I have.",Suicidal +13805,I have like 300+ depression meds including benzos. Also drinking so I do not stop myself because of family. So fuck it. Any reason to suffer this agony anymore?,Suicidal +23009,Its hard to move one when things were so great just 3 weeks ago. The past is the only real bright side. I hate that I cannot go back. Regret and betrayal is killer. Naivety too. Its so hard to see the bright side,Suicidal +9347,"She was my only friend, my best friend. The only person that even really cared about me. And I knew she did not love me back, but I did not think I would lose my friend. I miss her so much. I miss hearing her voice and talking to her every day. I ruined it. I ruined everything. My only friend is gone and Ill never forgive myself. I cannot live without her. All I ever do is ruin every good thing that ever comes into my life. She knew about everything Id gone through, and she still did this to me. Rather, I did this to myself. I see no other way out right now. My best friend will not talk to me since I told her I loved her. I want to drive to her house and shoot myself in front of her",Suicidal +36921,Hate the fact that I’m damn near forced to figure everything out by myself but it must be done,Suicidal +27212,"I have 30 paracetamol tablets (*500mg) currently next to my bedside. I am male, 22 years old, average height, and maybe a little over my recommended body weight. This feels like the easiest way out available to me but I have read that it is slow & painful and could lead to permanent damage when unsuccessful. I have been thinking about ending things for a while now. Honestly, in the past it was just a distant thought for the most part and I could just ignore it when I would think about it but over the past year and a half I have pretty much spiralled down to probably the darkest point in my life and it is pretty much all I have been thinking about. I feel like I am just a failure who has burned any potential future I had ahead of me, and I have even driven away close friends because of my poor decisions and my sometimes chaotic behavior recently. I really hate myself rn and am so disappointed in what I have amounted to. I have lost pretty much all motivation I had. The thought of suicide is starting to feel less abstract and more like a real potential outcome everyday. But the more real it feels the more I feel like there is no easy way out and I am scared of surviving and living with permanent damage to myself. A few months ago I tried cutting myself, but never even went deep enough to make a real threat to my life. I was confident I would be taking these pills only a few hours ago, but now that seems unlikely to me after reading more about it. I am kind of scared. Idk what to do. I never really thought this would be me, like feeling this way and posting on a forum like this. But here I am. Feeling desperate and defeated and I guess I am realizing I am going to be here a little longer. So I just need to get this off my chest as I do not really have anyone I am comfortable or confident enough to talk about this with irl. I am not really looking for a specific response or encouragement telling me not to do it but I do not mind any response. I just feel like I need to let these thoughts out into words and put them somewhere outside of my head. No easy way",Suicidal +14684,How many beers to kill myself lol Getting drunk,Suicidal +14552,"I used to dream and fantasize about getting into a prestigious college. I used to make great grades. That all changed when depression came along and ruined my life. Went to a less selective school my freshman year of college and dropped out the spring semester due to suicidal depression. Moved cities for a new scenery. Worked and had a film internship. Depression appeared again so I quit the film internship because I literally had no energy. Got fired from two jobs. I quit the community college classes I was taking. I had planned to transfer to this university in my city but my grades were not good enough to get in. So now I am stuck going to a subpar school. I have thought about seriously killing myself many times for 4 years. Attempted one time. I think my life is ruined. I keep reading the college you go to does influence success. Now look at me. Every time I think my life is getting better, it gets worse. I desperately want to have a life worth living. I am so lonely and have messed up my life so bad. I have never even been in a relationship. Will life get better or am I in a death sentence? Really thinking of ending it all Cursed due to a depressed brain",Suicidal +22780,I have never felt so lonely in my life. My friends went out without me they said they would get a day that suits everyone but still went ahead. they are of course posting about it and I feel so shit. Over the last couple of weeks I have been realising just how fake they are. They posted into our group chat photos which usually is normal its easier to send them into the gc the following day so everyone has them but tonight they put them in on the same night?? They could of made another gc but no they put it in the one I am in. I thought they were trying to rub it in my face so I thought Ill act like I am not annoyed and compliment the photos but then one replied omg I feel so bad for you and I said its fine dw did you end up going to this place and one of them just left me on read so I deleted the chat. I have just never felt so lonely I really do not have anyone I have no real friends and my relationship with my family is not good so I am so alone. I just really want to die rn I am sick of being lonely,Suicidal +14970,"Loneliness is crippling. I am an artist, but my drawings never attracted anyone. I have been working out for six months, but it seems like I will never be enough. I am tired. I am 22. I have no friends and I never had a girlfriend",Suicidal +20944,I have a friend who is deep into universal and different dimensions to reality. I have a feeling he wants to commit suicide by the way he keeps on speaking to escape this reality. What can I say to help him? he is ready to be one but I think He has accepted and surrendered. What can I do to help him in someway. I think he has depression. But hes got friends and family that really care for him Help,Suicidal +9603,"i recently had an extremely vivid suicide dream, feeling the same as i do sometimes but then actually acting on it. i went through the whole thing and it took what felt like quite a while and felt this emotional rollercoaster of extreme guilt, regret, but then ultimately relief. this is extremely difficult to process and it took me a while to write this because i do not want to contribute to anyone's misery or inadvertantly encourage anything.But, I wonder if this dream was about me acting out my inner (subconscious) feelings and those feelings being realistic. I guess the only way to know would be someone who has had a similar experience and failed attempt. Again sorry if this is triggering or unhelpful to others, I am just having a really hard time processing it. Extremely vivid suicide dream - were the feelings real?",Suicidal +37040,me: “oh my god i want to fuckin die i hate myself im so lonely”,Suicidal +8791,"Ever since i was little my parents have always fought and blamed everything on me, just turned 18 yesterday and still nothing has changed. My parents put there expectation on me initially becoming a tennis player, so they trained me for 11 years of my life, i had no childhood as i would immediately after 3.30pm after eating would play tennis 3 hours for years on end, high school was difficult as i was unable to multitask between tasks. (i was good at tennis, but i know my limitations so i told them i give up) they blamed me for months on end for ruing there dreams and money, i should have told them when i was younger but if i did i was scared what would happen to me as my parents hated/despised my existence if i was no use to them. Then i aimed to become a doctor, year 11, age 15, after breaking up with my first girlfriend who was my emotional scapegoat since my parents hated me, our relationship was toxic and my first love chose another individual because i was too much of a coward to ask her out. During when i had a girlfriend year 10, my parents would antagonise me that i should not fall in love, it ruined my tennis career and education. During my relationship with my girlfriend i realised the way my parents where treating me, my lack of social awareness and how enclosed my life was (did not know youtube, anime, insta, etc. till i was 15). So i slowly began to shut them out of my life, both parents would antagonise me, act like my support, but then immediately backstabbed me when they had the chance, blame everything on me and have me as a common enemy (this was norm in my life and still is). My parents still antagonise me for falling in love to the point, I am so depressed that my friends slowly forgot about me and the only form of happiness i still have left is anime, lego or games.My parents antagonise me on how successful they are and how much of a disgrace i'am compared to them, I am a freeloading leech that takes everything for granted, whilst offering nothing in return. The way my parents brought me up i have speech impediment (stutter and i cannot formulate sentences quickly and i struggle to talk), i get bullied and still laugh, get emotional scarred and people still expect me to smile. I only laugh and smile at school while i had friends, but since i graduated i have no friends and no one talks to me, except my parents who ostracise my very existence as a mistake everyday. Also during a biology class after receiving crappy marks in chemistry and getting scolded by my parents, i slit my wrist with a scalpel, my friends at the time took me to the nurse and i had some medicine/band-aid applied to my wrist, scared of what my parents will say to me i hid it, when i woke up, my band-aid was gone and i was sure they saw it since i live in a small apartment i sleep in the same room. Come morning it seemed as if they did not care or wanted to care about my injury. I wanted to kill myself since the age of 5, i prayed i would die everyday to relive my parents burden f having me, i was too afraid to end it myself, so I would hope i got into a freak accident or was killed, unfortunately nothing has happened yet.I go uni now and study software engineering, having received a atar of 77.85, which was a far cry from studying medicine. I want to make friends at uni but my speech impediment, how i look (I am not exactly what you call a good looking guy, i know I am ugly), but i still continue to hope on. I skipped over alot of my past because it is better left unknown. I just turned 18 yesterday, i was hoping i would die before turning into a adult, kind of disappointed to be honest, woke up immediately scolded for looking sad, i only had 2 friends remember my birthday, 2 family friends and my parents obligated wishes. As time flew more and more people forgot about me, which is not bad because i always wanted to be forgotten i guess. When cutting the cake, the asked me to smile, but i would not since i was sad i was still alive. They started to curse me like always for not being thankful for what i have, they always like to monitor what i do so they check my phones and stuff. I have a younger sibling who is blessed, they receive everything from my parents i wish i had, whom i also stopped talking to after my parents routinely check on my email, where they discovered me and my friends joke round calling each other names and stuff. One of my friends called me gay as a joke, which my sister called me infront of all her friends who are in highschool too. The only person who i had close relations with made me feel betrayed for putting trust in them. My parents made me ""reconcile"" with them, which i acted as i did, but never felt that they were sincere (happened 2 years ago). I am trying to get my first job at retail so i leave the house more and can contribute money to the family and am not a leech, but no one is hiring since covid and i have no work experience. So i need to wait until covid bans are lifted if I am still alive lol.Now to today, my parents spoke to me again about how much of a disappointment i'am, i make myself numb to pain by holding back tears and looking pan face all the time, but i cried for the first time to them for the first time in 2 years despite them ""calling me out"" for different things, even them all wishing i was dead and if they had known i was going to be born they would have aborted me or calling me a mistake. My parents said they probably made a mistake when they received there baby from the nursery, which broke my heart. I act stone face to hide my tears and sadness, but i did not say anything back to them, because whenever i did i would make things worse for myself by expressing my feelings. Imagine ur friend consoling you despite being reluctant, when you finally get consoled, there pissed at you for taking forever and things get worse. Like that so i just be quiet and only nod my head or giving 1-2 word answers. They feel no remorse and continued to talk to me. Later on one of them comes and asks me why i cried saying they were surprised, i choose not to say anything so they lecture me for 1 hr 30mins asking why, telling me there hardships and how much of a failure i am. Here i am now on the verge of decided whether to jump of my apartment or not, I have written and signed a couple of draft notes on what i done to my body after i die (donated to medical research or organ transplants), removes more burdens of my parents. Idk what to do sorry for wasting your time, this is more of a rant if anything. Thank you for your time and sorry for my bad english despite it being my first language. What do i do?",Suicidal +8578,"me and my gf of 13 months broke up yesterday i have been crying for the whole time, i cannot sleep i cannot eat, i cannot stop crying, i want this to end so fucking bad its getting harder by the minute",Suicidal +23838,"idk I am fuckin sad all the time and I am tired and miserable and the only time imnot feeling guilty or angry or sad is when I am sleeping, probably just going to rewatch the 100 and eat goldfish until i eventually perish.",Suicidal +15017,And how much does it hurt? How much paracetamol does it take to kill you?,Suicidal +22699,"Long story short: My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me not too long ago in the most scarring way possible. I feel completely backstabbed. I imagined my life with this person. All my hopes, dreams, my image and view of the future Shattered. I have had partners before. This one was so much more different. I felt like it was perfect, too good to be true. I guess I was right. I hate myself for all the things that I have done wrong. After weeks and weeks, it still feels the exact same, no matter what I tried to do and how much I tried to make myself feel better. I still feel like my life has no meaning. I still feel anxious at night, unable to sleep more than 3-4 hours for weeks, and only being able to go to sleep when I am absolutely dead. I still puke from anxiety, I stress, and I have panic attacks. This feels completely unbearable. I am having serious thoughts of hurting myself or ending it all. The only reason I still hold on to life is because the teeniest tiniest glimpse of a hope that maybe something will happen. Maybe it will all be okay and this will get fixed between us. But a part of me knows that never happen. And that part becomes more me with each passing day. I fear if I lose all hope, I will lose myself with it. I do not think I will stay here much longer. I do not mean to be edgy. I just do not know what to do. I am miserable, and I suffer through every single day. How do I cope? Having serious thoughts of suicide and self harm",Suicidal +11023,"Ever since I began feeling depressed I had trouble falling asleep, it usually takes me 2-3 hours of staying in my bed motionless to fall asleep.do any of you experience the same thing? cannot fall asleep, is it normal?",Suicidal +10815,Something triggered me earlier and now my insides are turning and burning and ripping me apart and I feel like nothing is ever going to fill me in the way that the hole in my chest needs to be filled.I feel so hopeless that suicide feels like the only option.My hands are aching to scratch my torso open and stop the feelings that make me feel like this but the world is so disgusting and cruel that I feel like I am drowning in a sea of shit and it only gets worse. I am burning,Suicidal +24216,"Do you guys know any forums where people discuss suicide freely? I mean if I want to talk about climbing Mount Everest, I do not care about you parroting bullshit that I should not do that, because staying home is safer. Same goes if I want to talk about suicide, I want to actually talk about it and not about your socially acceptable, comforting delusions. So, any websites without the BS? Any forums with freedom of speech?",Suicidal +14921,I hope at least someone out there is proud of me I finally had a good day,Suicidal +18600,I wish I could just whither away to nothjng. I have no motivation or desire to live for myself anymore. I do not have anyone else to live for either. I just do not have the energy to even try anymore. I was angry before now I just feel hollow and hurt. I do not even feel anything now.,Suicidal +12297,"I am constantly suffering and in pain, I just want it to end. I plan on saving up money sometime for a shotgun and shooting myself in the middle of a forest somewhere far from here. I just want to feel okay again but I am beginning to think I was just made to die. Planning",Suicidal +21140,"The people I care about I would assume, but what else? How I felt? I am already dead by then. Giving away possessions? Idk if I want to, not to hurt anyone by not doing it, but I like most of my things. What are the essentials? What do I need to include in my suicide note?",Suicidal +7382,"I am supposed to be going on vacation tomorrow around 4-5am but I do not see a point in going. Maybe I can beg my grandma to let me stay home and I can do the deed when no ones home. I know my grandma says she cares but she verbally/Emotionally/mentally abuses me. it is either I kill myself or I wait for my physically/verbally abusive brother to lash out one day and do it for me. I have pills here and I am considering ending it. I just do not want to leave the puppies alone. I cannot even be myself. I am non binary and my whole family it seems is against all non binary people. Maybe I can wait another 2 months. Wait for school to start and see if I will give life another chance. I am sorry for the rant. I do not know what the point of this was. No one loves me, how can i love myself?",Suicidal +11052,"i used to be very optimistic and helped people out of their misery, offered a shoulder, and I have always tried my best to blur out any feelings of loneliness. it might sound selfish, but now that I am in my lowest, i expected at least a one person to have my back. but i feel as if I am one push away from toppling over.music used to be so nice. id lie down and listen to music, and ill feel alright. but now music annoys the hell out of me. i want it to be quiet, but silence annoys me too.I have tried new hobbies, and everyday id stare at my unfinished projects and feel hatred for no reason. at myself, probably.meeting new friends is a no-go. they are always full of creeps and wants something from me. my current friends do not understand how much pain I am in. i love them to death, but i feel like that is not the case with them.the person i love the most is now distant from me. soon enough they are going to lose feelings and ill be all alone. my parents are narcissistic and my future smells like a big failure. no doubt that I am going to be broke and a disappointment once i step into the adult world. i hate my personality, i hate my life , i hate my body, i hate how much of a coward i am. i hate every single thing about me and it comes to the point where i cannot even speak because my own voice fucking annoys me.I am about 45% ready to commit suicide. what is there to live for? i should just disappear.",Suicidal +16312,Everyone blames me for everything and treats me like the bad guy and talks down to me. This is why I think about shooting people and then killing myself. Violent suicidal thoughts,Suicidal +13435,"I have a full time job working for a company who are doing great things. I have a boyfriend who is nice to me. I have a cat who I love, I have a few friends (not many, but the ones I have are good) I have a sister who I can talk to but I still just cannot seem to maintain anything even remotely resembling happiness or order. For as long as I can remember I have been so up and down in terms of my mental health, and it feels like mostly downs. I always get myself into this state where I am behind with work, I am behind with things I need to do in my personal life, I am neglecting my personal hygiene, I let my colleagues and my boyfriend down, I do not text my friends and family back, I let them down by forgetting big events like birthdays. I am really struggling to understand what my purpose on this planet even is and what I can do to get to a place where I can feel like I am useful or like I am not just a burden. I have been so anxious lately that I have absolutely ruined the skin on my face and arms by relentlessly picking at it. I just want to switch off my brain and stop existing for a fixed period of time until I can come back and deal with my life and get my shit together. I wish there was a pause button, but it feels like life is moving 10x faster than my brain and body are able to catch up with and I do not know how to function. What is wrong with me?",Suicidal +8079,"I was going to hang myself last sunday but I got too scared and did not. I fucking hate myself for being a coward, I could not even do that. I fucking hate that, I hate myself, I do not know why I am like this, but now I know better and how to deal with this mindset. I am determined to do this, I have a full plan now. I am not going to run away this time I was too afraid to take my life the first time",Suicidal +7643,"I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF LIVING I JUST want to BE 21 SO I CAN FUCKING BLOW MY BRAINS OUT I just got kicked out of my own room and I cut myself again after months of being self-harm free. I have lost everything and nothing gives me pleasure anymore. My mom has told me to kill myself and our relationship is extremely toxic. My dads been dead for years and my dog is the only one that gives me some form of love. But love is bullshit and not real because it always hurts no matter from who. It all keeps tumbling down and I just keep letting me down.I seriously do not know what I am going to do when I go back to college with my roommates, especially because my classes are still online (I W A N T D E A T H) I guess just act happy as usual right? Until I can finally gain the sweet peace i fucking deserve and no longer have to hear these terrible thoughts inside my head. Earth drives everyone crazy, its just a matter of how much you hide your craziness from others because you want to be perceived a certain way. Fuck this world and everyone in it. I quit",Suicidal +21114,"I am 17,from the uk iv made a suicide bag a ready made noose and some cigs,its conforting I am so happy i have a choice in this world of pain i have a way out just under my [bed.]( Thanks amazon",Suicidal +12283,i have the pills i need and my wrist is bleeding so bad i do not think it will ever get better i do not know what else to do please I am really close to doing it,Suicidal +15917,"I just got off the phone with my person. Well I thought she was. She let me go knowing I was suicidal and told me she would call the police but not deal with it. I wish people would take me seriously. I want it to be my last day. I suffer from bipolar depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and cannot afford the proper treatment. I need the treatment now!! Not in 3 months from now, idk if I will make it. I am exhausted and out of the will to live",Suicidal +23008,"I am sorry for putting this burden onto you. I am telling you because you are the best thing to have happened in my life, you all are. I am sorry you had to know my plans, I thought if i told you early, you can come to terms with it sooner. I am sorry i was not there enough as a friend.I am sorry for being angry and blaming you internally for giving me trusts/commitment issues. I am sorry I lost the reason to live for you. I tried telling myself that you were not taught how to communicate emotionally and that you had a bad family along with an abusive and violent husband in the past. I hope you know that i never blamed you for being a bad mother, I am sorry because I cannot seem to stop myself from blaming your actions that caused me pain, hurt, disgust and shame. I am sorry i got angry and hury that you forgot I attempted suicide before.I am sorry for suddenly being so hot and cold to you. You doted on me since young but i cannot forget the words you said and the physical pain you gave me. I am sorry for being angry at the bias-ness you show to my brother and not to me. I am sorry for keeping so many things from you. I did not knew how to tell you and even though you are less violent now, I was still scared of what you might do.I am sorry that i became a parasite, I am sorry for putting so much financial strains onto you. If I would knew this had happened, i would not have allowed myself to be admitted into a psychiatric ward.I am sorry that I fell in love with you and made you return my feelings. It was unfair to you, i should not have done that. I hope you can continue to love again after I am gone. Please, love is not impossible for you and I want to be your guardian angel, I want to protect you because I still love you from the bottom of my heart. Please do not stop loving, I am sorry for causing you pain.I am sorry that thought control/breathing techniques and therapy no longer works for me. I am sorry i cannot hold on any longer. it is been more than a decade, I am tired. I am sorry i do not see a reason to live anymore, I am sorry for wanting to die.I hope after all this, you all can still remain content. I am sorry for wanting to be the stars in the sky. I am sorry for being selfish.I am sorry for leaving. I am sorry for asking so much.So please, at least grant me this selfish wish of death...okay? Sorry to the many ""you"" in my life.",Suicidal +17446,So i have had a whole Disscusion with my parents about the vaccin They said that it could be that nanotech is in it which will make People who had it go crazyBut my dad also said that the People who had the vaccin could die between now and 5 yearsThe thing is i have a really good friend who has (i believe) had the vaccinAnd i really really like himI have never been able to tell him since I am an nb person and he is a guyI'm just really scared that everyone i know who had the vaccin will die and that I will have no one i can loveI cannot deal with this If this keeps up then I will kill myself because i want someone who will be my partner and who will love meI need someone who will help me out of this I really need someone to help me (tw: different views on covid),Suicidal +12687,Nytol (sleeping tablets) 20 x 50mg = 1000mgCitalopram 14 x 20 = 280mgCodeine 420mgParacetamol 8 x 500 = 4000mg Will this overdose kill me (I am very petite/skinny/small),Suicidal +13308,"I have posted here many times before. Every time its been about planning to do it, but I end up backing out because I am a fucking pussy. I will not be hurting anymore. I saw a post a few days ago about mourning the child who had aspirations, who thought I would have done big things by now. That child would be devastated if they could see where I have ended up. I am going to post my note here, my final bit of words:Break. Clarification for false devastation, drowning by days, by mids, by nights. Yearn to cease from forced creation, rip the eyes, destroy the sight. Come none without ulteriors had, theatrics claimed by lot. No word for such abyssal sad. To recall is best to not. Grip lost, high cost candy for the brain. Beg for one to comprehend frustrating, grating pain. Fear too great, instinct still lingers, no knowledge of what is next. For all required is a push of fingers, the spirit has been vexed. Though none of them can see, Ill put the names anyway. Thank you Eddie. Thank you Blaine. Thank you Andy. Thank you Noah. Thank you Lex. Thank you Archie. Thank you Lily. Thank you Jamie. Thank you Claudia. Thank you Grandmother. Thank you Benjamin, and Raven, and Miss Kitty, and Mika, and Kira, my precious, precious furbabies. Ill see you Max, my first kitty, my baby. I love you all. I have decided. I am doing it tonight and I am not wussing out this time.",Suicidal +22161,I cannot find a job. I am out of money. I am hungry. Idk what to do. there is a lot deeper going on but I am too tired to write it all out. Just venting I guess Kind of do not see another option?,Suicidal +16242,"I destroyed my relationships by telling them about my self harm and wanting to kms, they called me an attention seeking little bitch. I want so badly for them to know I am not I want to kill myself to show my friends I am not just being an attention whore",Suicidal +15600,"it is a no holds bar The answer to life is being a relationship between evil, sympathy, and thankfulness",Suicidal +19022,I want to make sure that I am going to die so a gun is the best option I think. I live in germany so it is really hard to get a gun here. I am very interested in mil stuff and shit so maybe I find happiness and some good friends there. otherwise it is suicide time :) my plan is to join the military and get shot by enemies or just do it with a rifle or pistol,Suicidal +37476,Just got back from a sweltering morning covering Cowboys preseason training and the air-con in the office is broken… https://t.co/EidVT1AO1h,Suicidal +16967,"I turn 26 today. And I have just had enough. I have a bottle of 1000 ibuprofen tablets that I am anxious to take but I am scared it will not kill me. How sick is that, that I am more afraid of living through it than dying. I have been scouring the internet for days looking for success stories and there are not as many as I would like there to be. I never thought this would be me. I hate who I have become. Todays my birthday and I want to die",Suicidal +22744,"How can I stop relying on my close friends for emotional support? They are growing tired of me, and I feel like I am losing them.I overdosed on pills yesterday and was sent to hospital. I wanted to die. These people, some of my closest friends, deserve far better than me. They have their own demons to deal with and I just hold them back.Its my fault. I want to change. Really, I do. But I have no self-esteem. No confidence or the ability to tend to my own emotional needs. I want to feel loved, but we all have our shit to deal with, and there is only so much a person can give before the relationship withers away. I have been a terrible friend. Why did not those pills kill me? I should have died. At least, that way, I will not be a burden anymore. How to be stronger?",Suicidal +22446,"I might lose my job soon, the girl I like does not like me. I am lost in life and I see not one reason to live. I have two options jump off a bridge or take some pills and die. I never actually planned dying but I am done with life. Not one good thing happens to me. I just want to be done with I have no purpose left anymore. I have lost it all and I want to die",Suicidal +11092,"How can I say goodbye, when I feel like I have already been dead for so long?One of my best friends passed away a couple of years ago, and I think that is when I started slipping away.My family basically raised me with the goal of being married/having children. That would apparently make my life worthwhile.I had a partner for years who was my everything. Things clicked. I felt safe, I felt at home but then shit hit the fan. I had a new career opportunity that caused so much driving I became more depressed/anxious/suicidal.I had two major surgeries, and I found out through them that I am basically infertile I cannot have my own children.I pushed everyone away it was easier to teach them to live without me than to deal with this stronger heartache as it came.I could not handle knowing that my partner might be the one to find me.As someone posted here before, I am still alive but everyone is moved on from my existence. A little note",Suicidal +23588,I cannot do this anymore. I have been suffering for so long now. I am only 18M(almost 19) but I cannot remember the last time I was not depressed. Its been nine years to maybe over a decade since I last cried or showed any real emotions other than anger and the occasional shallow feeling of slight enjoyment. I have lost all my friends and I have not loved my parents since I was a real young child. I am slipping and I feel like I am getting ever closer to the end. I almost cut myself a few hours ago,Suicidal +19485,I cannot even explain what goes on in my head. I am trapped in this mindset but it switches up so much. I am not sure how long I was clean but now its all down the drain I feel like this failure. I have not felt like this in so long my heart hurts. I am going to disappear for a week and see what happens. I need someone to talk to but at the same time I do not want to open up.,Suicidal +26998,"I was doing alright when I woke up. I had lunch with my family and we watched a movie that was dealing with some pretty heavy stuff- chronic, debilitating illness and lots of hospital scenes. I am a crier when it comes to emotional movies but today it just struck a chord in me and all of that despair, sadness, and hopelessness came rushing to the surface. I am just having such a hard time lately and I just keep getting so overwhelmed.I do not know how to just keep doing this for the rest of my life. I have been depressed and suicidal for almost as long as I can remember. I am 21 now, almost 22. Sometimes med combos/therapy have helped, a little. but due to misc. life stuff I have always ended up not keeping up with it like I should have. Even then it still felt like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. I have been hospitalized a few times too. It always seems like I just end up getting bad again. My family told me that I need to get help, and that they love me and will do anything to help me. But for some reason that just made me feel 10x worse. I feel like nobody is really realizing the gravity of my feelings. I feel like I should not say my emotions are important or that they matter, because they do not. But they exist unfortunately, and are incredibly strong and hard to deal with.I just want to die. I just want to stop. I do not want to do anything at all. I just want to be alone and waste away and stop bothering everyone. Really struggling today.",Suicidal +24158,"I do not really know why I am making this post because I do not know what I have in mind for it. I feel like this will help but I do not know. I am dealing with a very, very horrible situation and just need someone that I can say some things to and possibly get your advice? I do not even know if I can get advice on it but it does not hurt to post this I do not know what I need.",Suicidal +19523,it should be a free option to die in society and i just no should i do it tomorrow? that is the question its no longer if i got the balls to do it it never was it was just an excuse because as a person i was very hopefull and did not yield. will i do it tomorrow damn if i could keep on sprinting tomorrow i would live for another day but i cannot because i trained my legs to much last time and need to rest for 2 days and i cannot wait for that. Please someone in the comments field i need to hear the truth please tell me i am a horrible person please tell me that i live a sad life like many other that is already lived and the best thing i can do now is kill myself please tell i am stupid and i will fail whatever i plan in the future tell me that no girl will love me please I am begging you guys just do this for me say i should kill myself because its for the best i cannot please i beg you say that i have all the reasons to do it please let me die,Suicidal +16155,"I got raped when I was a little boy. I do not what its done to me but I am not well. Every form of therapy makes me relive it and I feel the rape. I developed weird sexual urges (Id never hurt another person) I just jerk off constantly. I also have a nervous system issue that causes pain. I always end up somewhere stuck in pain, jerking off or crying in a ballIm a waste of cells. Fucking tired man I am so fucking tired. People love me but they hate what comes with me I hate myself",Suicidal +17265,I do not want to die at all. I want out of it. I have all these dreams I put on the shelf to look at and never achieve. I found the love of my life only to watch him move to the other side of the country and leave me behind. My life has turned to into a torture chamber. I am bored and I am not doing anything. I want to escape my life. Yet I am here not living and not dying wondering what the meaning of this nightmare is. I think about dying but I do not want to die,Suicidal +7703,"I tried today, partial suspension, but I panicked when I started to pass out. I do not want to live like this anymore but I am too scared to end things. Help.",Suicidal +11638,"alt account for obvious reasons.I have been suicidal for the past 2-3 years, at first it was very mild but now every day I wake up and look at the mirror the first thing I think of is how I do not want to be here anymore.I just cannot take it anymore, this feeling of loneliness and despair is really getting to me and I honestly do not know why I am making this post, just a rant I guess.I absolutely hate every part of the day, except for one part (will not describe it because it is personal), my friends always make fun of me due to me liking a girl, my voice, looks, and probably more.I really do not think anything is going to get better and honestly, I have some early plans of committing suicide but I do not think that I have the guts to actually do it.that is it thanks for reading. I really did not want to make this post but here I am",Suicidal +7000,"I have so many stressors in my life, all major things that tear me down. Every day I fight a battle not just with my mental health but with the world. Last night I finally broke. After 33 years of a shit show of a life, I am done. What ultimately triggered this is that my son (7m) with ADHD has been expelled from holiday club. I quit my job Jan 2020 because he was not coping in school and managed to find him a specialist educational provider as well as get him on medication. He did brilliantly! I however, hated being a SAHM and a carer. The loneliness is overwhelming and the fact that I only live to provide food and a clean house to 3 children. So, I started to think about going back to work in my area of specialty which is law. I got a job with a police department. Something for me and something where I will meet other adults without being attached to my children. I got all 3 of my children into a childcare provider and settled them in over months. I have officially been working for less than 2 weeks and my son has regressed back to his bad behaviour. He has been kicked out and now I have to quit my job and go back to being his full time carer. I cannot do this for the next 11 years of his life and possibly beyond that. I do not want to live anymore and there is no help out there for my situation. I can go back on antidepressants, I can go to therapy but none of these things fix my problem that I no longer have any autonomy over my life. I am not a person any more, I am merely a mum with no identity other than that of my children. I find no pleasure in anything and exhaust myself pretending to be happy for the sake of my family. I cannot work, and now as it turns out I cannot even die. I cannot leave behind my children, I am their only parent. I have no control in this life over anything. I now think I am too far gone to ever feel happy again. I want to die. I cannot go back to Groundhog Day",Suicidal +7275,"Is it normal to cry and think of suicide when ur dad yells at you? Sometimes I say in my mind ""maybe if I did not exist he would not have any problems. His life would be better without me. Etc""I try to prove to him that I am not useless but in the end I will never satisfy him. I am crying as I write all this Any tips to deal with these thoughts.",Suicidal +25984,I am stuck and just never should have been born I hate myself and my family so much I want to die,Suicidal +12825,"Idk what to really type here. I guess I am just on here because I know soon I will kill myself and I do not think I will write a good bye letter type thing. I have been starving myself and self harming again. I am planning on ending my life around fall. it is my favorite season and it will be somewhere in fall break. Why am I killing myself? Because I know I will not be anything but a suicidal, immature, piece of shit asshole. I am sorry if you are my family or friends reading this. I wanted to kill myself before the 4th of July, but..obviously that did not plan out as I wanted. I am starting high school in two days. I will just be another suicide in this boring fucking town. Well, it was good to vent ig. Also, if you are reading this, and I did already kill myself, it was not your fucking fault, I did it because I feel like shit almost 24/7. my thoughts ig",Suicidal +17164,I feel like this might be the wrong place to ask but I cannot find the answer anywhere online. Is zopiclone and alcohol a lethal combination?,Suicidal +20101,"Hey, I am 23, I grew up with my foster parent who were really toxic and I could not take it anymore, while I was 16, I left and never came back, I had to do things to survive, things which some I am not proud of. I had 3 jobs but lost all of them. I had to sleep with men for money and it took away everything I am Today I am 3 days away from being moved from my apartment, I have my bills piling up and no way to pay them, I have not eaten since last night, I mostly have to ask my neighbors for leftover which I am sure they are all tired of me, I just want to end it, all of it, I just want stop having to wake up to another episode of what am I in this world, why am I here?Sometimes I had the cheat alot of people to survive, and at the end of the day I feel totally sad and disappointed, this is what I want for life, I did not ask to be born into world, I never seem to get anything right Now I have got nothing, I stand to be homeless soon and no food, I have alot of things lost, I cannot afford to buy food, I am totally done with this life I just want to die and let the pain go away, I just want to end the suffering, it is time I just go, no one cares about me, I have been used by people who I thought were friends. I know I am not a good person and I accept that, but I cannot take it more.Everytime I keep hearing do not give up, help is on its way but no help from anyone or anywhere. I did not ever fit and I was not suppose to fit and it is clear to me In my eyes now. I do not belong in this world right now. I just want to die now, I am totally tired",Suicidal +26799,"This might not be the best advice. But I have already planned my death a few times. Written my last testament. And every time I get ready to do it, I realize instead of ending it all I can just get some ice cream.does not matter what kind, or if its technically ice cream ie: gelato/frozen custard. But realizing that if it came down to killing myself or going for ice cream. I choose ice cream.Because it is simple, even if my soul hurts and I cannot see any way out. I can still feel like total shit and enjoy a taste of that sweet cold creamy goodness. And that gives me just the right amount of hope to keep on keeping on. I could be bankrupt, broken hearted, and feeling so godamn empty that the thought of eternal darkness still feels more than what is inside my heart. Man I still got ice cream.So next time you are ready to do it. Make sure you make all the plans, write your letters and wills. Then go for some ice cream instead. Just remember, you can always go for ice cream.",Suicidal +10058,Just as title says. Has meditation helped anybody come out of their anxiety or depression?,Suicidal +23369,I FUCKING HATE THATBI WAS MOLESTED I FUCKING HATE THAT IT IS STILL GOING TO AFFECT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WAS ONLY STAYING ALIVE SO I COULD PISS ON THAT ASSHOLES GRAVE AND HES FUCKING TAKING TOO LONG TO DIE FUCK THIS SHIT I am ALWAYS GOING TO BE BROKEN I cannot BE FIXED AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME I cannot FUCKING HAVE ANYONE LOVE ME WHEN I am FUCKING BROKEN I do not KNOW A SINGLE REASON NOT TO FUCKING SLIT MY WRISTS THIS WEEK AND HOPE TO FUCKING BLEED OUT. I have TRIED FOR YEARS TO BE FIXED AND there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MYSELF. HE RUINED ME AND NOW I cannot EVEN HAVE FRIENDS BECAUSE I FUCK EVERYTHING UP WITH HOW WARPED MY PERSONALITY IS FROM IT. I am DONE. why should i keep living when I am never going to be fixed?,Suicidal +12311,"to stop my suicidal thoughts i look at gore pics and videos to help me somewhat value my life more and also fear death and pain. but right now its not working because my hatred of my own body is stronger than my fear of death. i really hate my face i wish i looked like someone else. i hate how clothes look on me, i hate the shape of my body i feel disgusting. my boobs are small and i do not have a big ass. I am not happy about anything. i will never see myself beautiful i will never be petite and ultra feminine. i already had a nose job and i still look ugly and masculine. like at this point i should kill myself I have already suffered so much in this body what do i do",Suicidal +16157,"I hate being alone. the feeling is agonizing. yet somehow i constantly run away from people who care about me or avoid them when i need help and it ends up in nights like these to were i cannot help but to feel miserable and want to cut myself so bad in some kind of sense of self correction but it never works and just makes me feel even worse the next morning when i wake up. about a year ago, a month after i finished highschool i joined the army and left my friends and family behind hoping i would finish my job school, they would put me on a field and id get to die with some actuall purpose. i have barely been in any contact with my old friends or family since aside from my mom and i feel so abonded, even though I am the one who ran from them. ihave no idea what is wrong with me and soemtimes i feel broken and hopeless. i got a therapis over half a year ago due to my self harm and recently he advised instead of cutting during my next breakdown i find someone or somewhere to share it if its late and no one else was awake so I am trying here. idk its my first time trying soemthing like this so thanks in advamce for any support or advice (also apologies for any typos, I am shaking pretty hard right now) I am my own worst enemy",Suicidal +11778,"I just lost my job, no one in my family suppports me or know what are things i like and enjoy to do. I try to start getting back onto something but their insults or smirks or scoffs are just too much. Things i got used to ignore but already piled up.I cannot do something for my mom or my dad. My mom wants me to be this person i do not want to be and just looks sad or disappointed or just trying to hold her temper whenever she is interacting with me or whenever i avoid the conversation when she starts to insist what she wants again. I am living with my brother and his family but got to live with this atmosphere where they are itching to throw me out. I have been in a series of interviews for the past 2 months but cannot get in a goddam job. I do not eat and go out of my room that much to avoid whatever i am doing wrong in their eyes. I feel trapped. I was alone in the house earlier and i sat at the bathroom. the shower hose is made out of soft plastic, long enough. the height of the window is high enough. I sat there thinking how would i look, how long will it take till they find out? whose going to see me first? Can they tell that since i got here i have been suicidal? That they have been interacting with someone like me? That it would be too late when they finally piece it together? That when i finally went out for a hike, they did not see anything but a dangerous and reckless waste of time. No one even ask a picture or asked how was it. Fuck. And now i am spiraling to this feeling of nothingness, of emptiness and that thought that the only rational thing to do is just end it, because there is nothing really different in me being here, feeling nothing to being not here, feeling nothing. What i really want is actually simple, that someone would genuinely care. I am way deep in the rabbit hole that validation seems inappropriate anymore or any sign of response is pity or i tend to negate anything or mistrust anything because they will trap me. I just want to be left alone nowadays and i do not know what i am really here. This sounds like a rant, I am sorry to whoever got as far as here. The only thing that stopped me is the thought that i cannot let these people live in the guilt of thinking it is their fault even if it is all mine. This floating thought leaving me feeling nothing",Suicidal +15604,"Just hard, I try and try to motivate myself to do what I want and to make things better but no matter what the thoughts and sadness always creeps back in, its impossible to shake This life is hard as hell",Suicidal +24074,"I am not actively suicidal, and I am not planning on trying to kill myself anytime within the next year or two, not until I start living on my own. The fear of failure outweighs my desire to stop living. But I have an entire plan for if/when I decide to do so. I am only 19, but I have typed out a will of sorts to let my family know how I want to be buried and where I want my money that I saved for college to go. I have a general idea of how I want to kill myself, where I want to do it, the time of day I want to do it, how Ill lie to make people not be concerned, etc. But even though this plan has only come to me within the last week, I have not been suicidal. I am just stuck in that awkward limbo where I do not see a point in living, but I do not see a point in dying. But I still cannot stop just creating this story in my mind of everything, thinking about everything that could go wrong and how I could prevent those things from happening and it does not really bother me. Its just a thought that is always in the back of my head. Anyone create elaborate suicide plans without intent to act on them?",Suicidal +11616,"I am 15(Trans M) and a little over a week ago I came out to my dad that I am trans. Things have been going to h\*ll from here. At this point, I am starting to not feel safe. he is staying ""I still love you and always will but..."", and ""I went through the same thing you are going through, but you are still a girl and...""Recently he is gone through my computer, forced me to give him my password, and put 'safety restrictions' on it as if he could not trust me. I understand that 'he is doing this because he loves me' and stuff like that but after growing up in a very Christian family, I doubt that is the reason, especially after a few conversations about my 'phase'. Either way, I barely even feel loved by him. Some things started after I came out as trans, I do not understand what clicked in him to do this. I feel unsafe and scared about what he might do next.I have barely eaten anything in the past few days because of how anxious I am. I do not have a plan on what I will do if I do happen to run away. I have looked through many runaway helplines, debating if I should text some of them the next time they are at work.At the end of the day, I might just find a strong rope laying around and find somewhere to hang, I am done feeling unsafe around my parents, heck, even the whole world. My anxiety is awful and my parents refuse to get me a therapist. I feel sick, I do not know what I want to do anymore. Thinking about running away",Suicidal +22296,"I am just trying to talk to someone, not about religion but just about me, you....US! Why TF do people have to misconstrue feelings for ""God""!!!!",Suicidal +8155,"I am moving on. I cannot forgive them, so Ill just pretend they are dead or never even existed. All pictures of them in my phone- deleted, my social media- deleted. Its not healthy to hold a grudge this long. If I am already suicidal, why not just TRY to have a better life? Nothing to lose. Should just take the chanceif nothing matters in the end. Ill become a new person and meet new people. Worst case scenario: I fail but still learn and get the experience. And yes, I am going through withdrawals rn. Instead of killing myself, Ill kill them (in my head)",Suicidal +11688,"My older brother is taller than me at 511~60. My little brother is taller than me at 60. Me? I am only 58.5 (doctors measurement). I know its close to average but I cannot stand being the shortest anymore.I thought I got a hold of my depression and suicidal thoughts by working out and losing 57 lbs, graduating college with a job lined up, eating properly, practicing mindfulness but none of it helps when I see them every day and cannot help thinking about my inferior genes. Why was it me that had to be the shortest? Why was it me that had to be the most dark skinned? Why was it me who got the most health issues? This is a cruel fucking world... I am just glad my sodium nitrite will be here soon. Bye everyone. Goodbye everyone, its been a fun ride",Suicidal +7732,"I have decided I am finally going through with it. I do not want to keep living and nothing is worth living. Ik my mother will be upset but with how I feel and the things she has done through my life, I cannot find it in me to care anymore. I have one friend or had one friend, I have convinced myself they do not actually like me at all and only talk to me because they idk pity me maybe, or feel like they are required to check up on me. So I doubt Ill hurt them by leaving, they will prob be better off if I left anyways. All I need now is to work up the courage to finally end it, which I am having a hard time with, I am scared of the pain, but I think some pain is worth never feeling again. Idk when to do it, but before next year for sure. Hopefully in a week or so I am doing it",Suicidal +7515,"I have great family around me, sometimes good friends too. But sometimes the way people treat you makes you feel alone. I also have never found love. I am 23 and I hope the time left means there is hope. But when I treat people with kindness and interest I never seem to receive it back and it breaks me Does anyone feel suicidal because they feel unloved",Suicidal +10459,"I need someone I can talk with, if anyone has any disorder and wants to open up or if you are willing to just talk with me it would be helpful Psychosis, ocd, schizoid, depression",Suicidal +12493,"All ik is I will hang myself one day, . I am 17 years old, I want to kill myself",Suicidal +13577,"I am very sick and tired, both mentally and physically. I have been struggling with a lot of physical health issues for my whole life, and I have been struggling with mental health issues for the past 6-7 years, I am so tired of having to deal with both problems, as my physical health makes my mental health worse and the stress from my mental health is likely just making my conditions worse, its a never ending cycle and I rarely feel good, ever. I have been struggling with severe asthma for my whole life, which is fine on its own, but its at the point where I have a hard time doing much exercise, and I can no longer cope with weather changes, so every time it rains a lot of it becomes a bit more dry than normal I find myself heaving for air and coughing up blood. I am writing this right after contemplating taking my own life and coughing up more blood into my sink. My asthma is not all, I have a lot of trouble eating food, I randomly get very sick after eating and I cannot seem to link it to any specific type of food, so almost every day after eating a meal I am in pain for hours. I have a hard time sleeping, I have barely gotten any sleep the last few months, and when I do sleep I sleep almost the whole day, and I cannot get out of bed to do anything, its very frustrating. As for my mental health, I have not been able to seek any professional health for a lot of reasons, so whatever I say about my mental health is not diagnosed, but all I know is that I NEED to see a professional soon, I cannot handle my own thoughts anymore and it sucks. I have been struggling with really severe depression since I was about 11-ish, and the earliest suicide attempt I can remember was over the summer after I had completed 6th grade, I had not been eating for a few days and I was just extremely sad. I have had a few attempts before, usually I am too tired or scared to fully go through with it, which sometimes when I am having a good day I feel grateful for not going through with, but usually I just remember my past attempts and feel an overwhelming urge to try again. I also have really extreme anxiety, and it is exhausting. My anxiety is just crippling me and it kind of rules my life to a large degree, as I do not ever get close to many people, and I am too scared to just act how I want to act around peers and even friends. Speaking of, I do not ever speak to any of my friends outside of when I am physically around them, and I never see them on my own time simply because I have no energy to see anyone and I do not live near most of my friends, which is sad since I only have like a handful of people I would call friends, and I am not close to them by any means beyond friendly engagements. My experience with schooling also makes me extremely depressed constantly. When I was in middle school a few years back I was constantly bullied for a lot of things: my poor social skills, being nerdy and kind of awkward, being annoying, and acting ""like a fag"" (this particularly hurts now because I am gay). I would get my books thrown at me, people punched me and once there was a boy about twice my size who made remarks that he was going to rape and beat me up in the school bathroom, and then followed me around the school with his friends. I tried to do sports, I played football (my dad wanted me to try it out, I never liked sports at all anyways) and this made my have a mental breakdown every day we had a game, and when it was not game day, people would bully me in the locker room. The boy that threatened to hurt me in the school bathroom got paired with me to practice tackle drills, and instead of doing it how we were instructed, he would pick me up and slam me into the ground repeatedly, which was not how our coach told us to do it, and it hurt my back and made me shake and cry after practice. In high school, I joined the swim team, as I loved swimming and I was actually very good at it, and on top of that it was the only sport I was able to do without worsening my asthma, which was great. But the massive pressure I had on me to do well in an extremely competitive swim team made me constantly anxious, and I cannot even enjoy going to the pool anymore. I got picked on by my swim mates as well, because I was not very well socially adjusted, and I would get insulted in the locker room for being a little weird. Our soon to become team captain was kind to me and told me not to listen to them after school, but that really did not help much. My family is not really much better: my dad is never home so I do not even know him as much as I wish I could. My biological dad is somewhere in Europe, and he stopped even trying to talk to me anymore when I was 10 years old. My adopted dad is alright, but he is kind of cold and does not really show affection in a way that I understand, although I know he cares for me. My mom had a bad childhood, so she has a lot of problems that I have to step around constantly. I ask them to take me to a professional of some sort, and up until a few months ago they would just play down my mental issues and coupled with my really bad anxiety I was too anxious to actually say anything. I started telling them I had very frequent suicidal thoughts, and this I think really scared both my mom and dad and so they kind of lashed out, I do not think they know what to do. My dad told me that killing myself would be a selfish thing and I just told him to fuck off if that is what he wants to tell me, and my mom told me she would get me help but always is too busy/forgets to schedule me an appointment. I feel like I am trapped in a box and I am invisible to my own family most of the time. A few years ago I started having obtrusive thoughts that ranged from random urges to harm myself, many of which I acted on, to thoughts that my family secretly hates me. This past year was awful for me. I am an at risk group for Covid and the whole pandemic thing just took a massive toll on my already declining mental health. Being in my house was not bad for me thankfully, I am kind of used to being alone, but the frankly idiotic and terrible response to it by my local and national government made me a lot more nihilistic than I already was. I had a heavy school workload, I have always been considered ""gifted"" so most of my classes are pretty intensive and doing them online was terrible. I sacrificed my sleep for A's and B's and my dad still was not satisfied, which made our relationship even worse as I was so tired I just told him to shut up. My parents argue a lot as well, sometimes my dad yells at me for no reason and my mom yells at my dad, and it is almost constant. I have also lost faith in my parents being competent role caretakers in any way. They argue like children, and its almost always over me as well. I already lost one dad and I do not want to lose another, I wish I could fucking die in an accident so my family could stop having to argue, or pay for my medical treatment. I have little to no energy to do anything that could take my mind off of my problems either, I just lay in bed all day and zone out while watching YT videos that I do not really want to watch anyways. I am also worried my teachers think I am ""special"" or something, I cannot really engage in social situations that well and I think I might have autism, as some of my relatives have it and it would kind of explain my lack of social function. But my parents will not take me to see anyone anyways, so why should I even care? Sometimes I wonder if I am being neglected by family, I would consult my counselor but my anxiety stops me from really speaking to anyone about it because I am scared it will turn out my parents are abusing me mentally and I do not think they are bad people, they just have a lot of their own issues and they are frankly just silly people in their own right. I do not know what to do, I am kind of hoping that my health issues will just kill me already, I do not think I am going to get any better, my asthma is only getting worse to the point that my doctors are assessing if my lungs even work properly at all, and I also might need to get the inside of my stomach looked at because my doctors could not find out why my body freaks out whenever I eat, which scares me. I do not know if I am going to live a long life, and all I want is to have my problems go away. I hate where I live as well, I cannot stand it at all, and I cannot move currently due to a multitude of reasons. I want to just die already because living this way for almost a decade now has just destroyed me as a person, I feel sick inside and I have no one to really talk to about it, I have some online friends who are very kind to me, but I get panic attacks and I feel extremely ill whenever I open up about my issues to someone I know. I do not know what to do, I keep remembering instances where I attempted suicide and its overwhelming me all the time. I cannot even use sleep as an escape. I hate my life. I am sick and tired",Suicidal +14560,"I live alone, do not talk to anyone regularly enough for them to notice I went MIA. there is literally no way it would not work out unless my attempt is unsuccessful and I wake up. I am so tired. I am weighing my options. The bad far outweighs the good. Nothing ever feels right. I am never happy. I am so tired of always being either tired, depressed, angry or numb. Just alternating between those emotions. I do not believe I will ever be content. I am tired of lashing out at people and taking my anger and unhappiness out on them. I am tired of being such a toxic person. I am toxic because I am deeply depressed but I do not even think that is an excuse. I have become such a shitty person. I hate myself, truly. I think 27 years of misery is enough torture. What am I going on for? I know what is waiting for me. The depression never goes and the anger only gets more and more unbearable. What am I afraid of? Why do not I just do it? Everyone dies. In this world, nothing is certain, except death and taxes. I think that is how the saying goes. If I am going to die eventually, does it really matter when? what is this all for? Why am I allowing myself to stay in pain like this? For what? Every day is just me trying to get through the day. There is nothing pleasurable about life for me. I need to get over this fear of death, for my own sake. nobody would even find me",Suicidal +24720,"This is probably going to sound like a pittyparty but oh well. I think I am going to. Not today, not tomorrow. But soon. My situation feels hopeless. I just started a new job but have no transportation because of problems caused by my drug addicted mother. My unemployment ran out and I have 5 dollars to my name until idek when. I am probably going to get fired if I cannot get the transportation in order to work but I cannot because I literally do not have the resources to get a car or transportation. I feel like a failure as a mother as I cannot even afford basic necessities for my kid. Thank god hes with his dad rn. I keep having this fantasy of doing fun things. Just going out and partying and getting high with strangers and then when my son comes home, just spending a week doing fun things with him. Then killing myself when he goes back to his dads. Have a couple happy weeks before I end it. Not have to stress about a job or money or doing anything except what I would enjoy. Which would effectively ruin my life further, I know this. But it would not matter because Id be dead. And for some reason the thought gives me comfort. I do not really have anyone. I have a boyfriend. Who lives in another country. I know it would hurt him but I truly believe he would move on with time and find someone better. I also have a best friend that does not feel like my best friend anymore. I feel like a burden to her. And to my boyfriend. I used to have my mom before she started doing meth and got into an abusive relationship. I am all alone. Everyone really would be better off without me. Anyways. If you read this, thank you. I think I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +26277,"Yesterday was miserable for me. A holiday I absolutley loved. Had friends and would always light fireworks off and just be teens and have fun. Now 22, no friends, and living alone sucks. I was so damn low yesterday. I am pretty sure I had an emotional breakdown. I was crying and yelling as I rolled around in my bed. How can anyone go from being so happy to literally wanting to stop existing? I do not get it. I am numb again. 4th of July was a trigger",Suicidal +37198,"RT @DrugForumsBest: I woke up with a bag over my head after I intentionally overdosed on a conbo of 250 mg diclazepam, half a handle of bou…",Suicidal +14632,"I cannot stop thinking about killing myself and I feel this weird compulsion to talk about it, so here I am, rambling into the void.I have an excellent life. I have the most wonderful family, the most wonderful partner. I love them so much it hurts. I feel like such an awful, ungrateful person for wanting to die when I have so much. I am not trying to be ungrateful. I know how lucky I am and that makes it worse. it is me that is all wrong, not anyone or anything else. I wish I could give my life away to some other more deserving person. Everyone is trying to help me but things are just not getting better and I really do not see that changing in any lasting way. Maybe that is just depression talking but I feel like it is more than that. I feel so completely disconnected from whatever it is everyone else is experiencing, like I am living inside a glass case, where I can see the world but not engage with it in any meaningful way. it is like I am some kind of alien species, like the universe is telling me that I am not *meant* to exist. Nothing makes sense anymore, I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from, like maybe I am already dead and I am watching the world move on without me. Everything is just pain and more pain, those are the only options. I know that also makes no sense. I would like to be able to talk about this with an actual person so I can maybe try to deal with it, but I am also completely terrified that if I told anyone the specifics of what I have been thinking, I would wind up in the hospital. And maybe that is what I need, but it would probably also ruin my career and potentially my relationship, at which point I would definitely kill myself. So that seems a *little* counterproductive. I have no idea where I am going with this so I guess I am done rambling now I just need to get this out of my head",Suicidal +20924,"I am going to kill myself when I turn 1815 just lookin around and seeing these pretty ppl everywhere. It makes my anxiety kick in and makes me sad too. I am tired of my family saying o no ur pretty one day you will find ur fianc and I just do not listen to them anymore because Ik its not true or going to happen. No guy wants me. I just want to be pretty. Is that really hard to ask? Why did I have to look like my dad. When people say that I know they are just saying that I look like a man yk because I look like my dad. I want plastic surgery, piercings, and tats but they cost so fucking much. When I get a car I am planning on living in it and saving up money to pay for the surgery. If I do not get pretty I promise you all I will kill myself when I turn 18. I will get addicted to drugs and overdose. cannot wait you all. And no I am not going to get a therapist. They will say the same shit I hear when I tell my family bout this . Its hard being a darkskin antisocial obese unattractive female/teen with a low self esteem and is not confident at all. I just hate people so much I wish I could be isolated from everyone. I got no friend, I have been laughed at because of my appearance and I have been an outcast my entire life. I have tried to fit it but it did not really work. I just despise myself so much... (F15)",Suicidal +24229,"I want to do it so badly but I am scared that I am actually going to die. Like, yes, I want to die, but at the same time I do not. Idk if that makes sense The thought of killing myself but wanting to fail is taking over my beaim",Suicidal +13595,"i mean I am in debt, I am almost homeless, never felt an ounce of love in my life but i grew up good just could never feel love. all i do is hurt people around me, I have never had a friend, I have tried to kill myself twice before this. i think tonight is the night I am tired. I am fucked",Suicidal +14505,"I cannot really find happiness in this world, I do not belong here. I do not want to feel this way for the rest of my life. A couple times I felt like this that bring me to the verge of suicide and at the end I never do. This time I feel like this is the one. it is scary to think what happens next to not exist. But once it does there is nothing to worry about because I do not exist anymore. Yeah I am young and single and only thing I have to take care of my is my dog but that can be taken care of by someone else easily. I am selling my car, giving the dog to someone else and give all my money to my family slowly by paying rent after that I severed my purpose and lived long enough. I guess its time",Suicidal +20046,"I should of listened to her when she told me she loved me. I should of listened to her when she told me to stop smoking so much weed and drinking. She tried to talk to me but due to my mental issues I could not do it, I was too scared. I am still scared. Yeah she technically stalked me but it was I begging her to love me but I was scared of being open. Now I am a psychotic mess. I just quit my job again and the anxiety is too much. I tried to be a good person and now I hurt another woman's feelings and she hates me. I am tired of being unhappy. there is no magical cure for me and all my hard work to get better was for nothing. I do not fit in this world I will die thinking of my first love and it is fucking selfish. Ending",Suicidal +21092,"its my body and I did not ask to be on this planet. Why cannot I do what I want? I should get to choose if I want to stay here or not and not struggle every day for no reason. Ill die when I am old anyway, why not make it sooner? Its not like Ill miss all the stuff I could have done since I will not be alive. Why cannot I commit suicide",Suicidal +14853,I remember reading a true crime story about this suicidal woman who contacted a guy on the dark web who had always wanted to kill someone. I cannot get it out of my head... A mutually beneficial arrangement,Suicidal +8636,"I am pretty drunk right now, andece. Then it doesn get better. Ifeel more tired yet more energetic and certainly Alive, but I still want to die. is not that crazy,that even when I feel the most alive I ever do I still want to be dead? I am. Basically a zombie. I am animated dead, and I have been dead for q while, soon the magic will run out and I will start to rot next thing you know, they come to inspect my property in a few months and I am a pile of rotted flesh Wwll",Suicidal +26650,"I have gotten better with depressive thought spirals like this over the years. I know I have. And this time, I have just been countering the thoughts with other thoughts, about all the good which I KNOW is there, all the reasons I have to be alive, all the things which I have *concrete plans to do* once things get better (because I am going to fucking force them to be better even if I have to improvise).But goddammit everything is just too much. The chronic pain. The medical neglect. The constant anxiety because I am in the presence of my parents because I fucking live here and I will have to CONTINUE living here for 2 years MINIMUM, which is simultaneously a LOT and BARELY ANYTHING AT ALL, but so much can happen and I am always at the verge of hyperventilating. I think the peak of summer heightened the neglected pain as well, which ended up...... everything is on a precarious sort of balance and is about to collapse. I am about to collapse.I have almost collapsed and actually collapsed many times before and I do not fucking want it to happen again even though my brain keeps saying, ""down a bottle of poison"" (*what* poison? family regime outlaws pretty much any effective medicines and all I have is a bottle of hand sanitizer, which would not actually kill me and I am not going to fucking do it so why must the thought keep coming back).I know how to fight against the thoughts, and now that, ""remind yourself of why you need to stay!! your creative projects are worth more than your problems!!"" is getting EXHAUSTING (because I do not have enough good things to counter the bad things with) I am going with the distraction strategy, but goddammit I am so so so tired. I am so tired, I feel like a trapped animal bleeding out on the street, I am just fucking exhausted. I just want to,,, un-suicidal my brain",Suicidal +10270,"I have friends, I have adopted family, I have people interested in relationships with me.My life is not perfect, of course. On paper it should not feel like that.The thing is my dream is dead.. This makes everything pointless. Got better... Still do not want to exist.",Suicidal +26770,"Men have it objectively worse in all aspects of life in the US except for sexual and domestic violence, and even then, the margin is closing rapidly. Feminist organizations are classifying female-on-male rape stats as separate from actual rape thereby skewing the statistics. It seems like no one gives a shit about men in this society. So if I kill myself, will I be reborn as a woman? Reborn as someone who is actually privileged in this society and yet still has people fighting for them? Will I? If I kill myself, will I be reborn as a woman?",Suicidal +23828,hallo internet its been like 10 months since i started thinking on how should i kill my self i have never really done it. but in feb 13 i wrote a suicide note and in march i recorded my self.i was talking about how I am getting stressed and how i want to die. i was crying when i recorded that. I am not really afraid of death. I am just afraid of pain that is why i have not really done anything I am failing school. i have 2 bestfriends they helped me study. they gave me answers. they are really good friends of mine.we are friends for 3 to 4 years now. I am just worried that if they found out that i killed my self that. they would be sad. or.. would they even care?. i have a good life. we eat 3 times a day. mom bought me laptop. sister gave me cellphone (because i broke mine) I am really worried about my mother on how will she react since my father just died last year on october I am worried about my sister who is PDW. I am worried that if i committed suicide that they cannot handle it well I am just tired honestly I am lazy. i did not do my school works that is why I am failing.my friends gave me answers but i was just too lazy. and I am a procastinator. I am quite smart. i get the lesson much faster than my classmate. but i do not know when it all went all wrong. my mom said if i will not pass this year then she will send me to my aunt in the province and that is where I am going to study I am grade 10 rn and i think I am going to repeat. its not that big of a problem since people here have been through much worse situation that i have rn I am sorry guys but. everyday all i think about is my future. I am worried. I am pessimistic. I am not diagnose with depression or anything. but i think i have it. i tend to over thing things its been really stressful its gotten to the point that i cannot relax. its been really hard. i want to kill my self should i do it? well I am really tired i just want to rest. any advice? I am planning to kill my self tomorrow and i do not know what to do. will my friends and family will be sad about my death?,Suicidal +14191,"Around 2017 I found myself in a really shitty situation. My friends turned out to be the worst people on the fucking planet as they had made me chase them so far for their real friendship that I was at a point that I had no one else left. I did not feel like I could ask my family for help at that point, but when I finally came to and dropped those bottom feeding shit lords, I had run out of crossroads and was frustrated. I threw myself into games, Overwatch, Minecraft, Call of Duty, it did not matter to me. I stayed in that same situation until the pandemic. I do not mean it got better, it got fucking worse as I could not go outside at all, and as a direct result of that, it became quite literally all I did. At this point, I got some records in Overwatch and a few other games which had validated in my mind that this was what I was built to do. I then met someone who I thought actually might not be a toxic cunt, but as of now I am having doubts because I think my damaged social skills and autism kind of made her turn her back to me. I do not even know at this point, but I do not want to get more stuck in than I already am, do not have anyone else I can talk to or go outside with, but I also do not want to become a lifeless living thing. I am having darker thoughts as of yet which have always lingered but have been amplified because of her sort of avoiding me. I threw myself into games and cannot get back out",Suicidal +23338,So comforting and peaceful... I love that if my life ever becomes even more unbearable than it is now that i can just end ut with a fail-proof method,Suicidal +24946,"If you are reading this then i finally got the courage to end it all i know this is not what you wanted and you may blame yourself but you really should not i believe i was born fucked up and just like how fish give birth to thousands of babies expecting a few to not make it i am just not compatible with the world i have always been a outcast and a waste of the world's resources and i have been waiting to end it all sense middle school being unhappy for so long really fucks you up. And even though I feel upset that this is the way my life went and that I did not get to do the fun things other kids my age are doing, I cannot help but feel happy that I will not have to be a wage slave to continue being miserable until I die of heart disease or cancer. In this part of most suicde notes they write to people who care for them but the only person i have is my dad who is most likely a little bit happy i am gone i mean he is going to be a little sad but over all my death will be a net positive i will not be a burden on him anymore. Today he asked me if i had a plan for getting my driver's license but he kept asking if i have a plan my plan is to take all the mild anxiety meds a friend gave me a then hang my self in the garage i wish i had a less painful way to go out but what is 1 day worth of pain vrs a whole lifetime. I have never been much of a writer but I guess I could rewrite my story here in how I wish it went. I was born randi keene in a small town to 2 happy people who loved eachother very much and would work hard to provide their son the best life his mother would always pack him a school lunch and let him know that she loved him and that his worries were not stupid and that he was not alone. Randi would do well in school and have lots of friends who would care about him and would always have his back on the days he did not feel his best. Randi would never feel like he needed to starve himself or binge on food; he would never have serious thoughts of self harm.Randi would exile in art and theater and would go on to have a fulfilling job in the animation industry working on movies from disney and pixar. Randi would go on to have a successful online presence and would be loved in his circles. He could create anyworld he wished with just his own mind and his artistic talent. One day Randi would meet a wonderful person who would love and support him with the things he loves. They would always try to have a positive outlook on the world and would encourage randi to be his best. They would have a wonderful medieval style wedding. And would not be afraid to express things they like without guilt or shame.Together they would never have to worry about money, they would always have just enough. Their children would become well rounded individuals that always felt loved. Randi would go on to create video games that were well received he would die happy and loved by many he would have a large funeral and people would mourn his death he would be remembered for his kindness and success as an animator. I like the story I made. I know it does not have a lot of struggles but i do not think you need to fight a dragon to have a happy ending.i hope my story comes true next time my note. sorry for spelling errors i am stupid",Suicidal +26297,if my girlfriend is not here then there is no point. losing her would be like losing myself because i just know we are connected. i need to find a way to kill myself soon and in the meantime ill just rot away in bed I am just going to leave myself here to die,Suicidal +25412,One is already too fuckn much. People should stop captioning YOLO,Suicidal +8084,"I will not lie, I put on a good poker face so that when people look at me it seems like my life is sunshine and rainbows. Hell, I have even had people tell me that it seems like I live a fun life. I am young, fit, pretty successful for my age, and not an ugly looking person. Underneath all of this, there is an insecure little boy that suffered from sexual assault as a child, severe bullying, had an eating disorder for 8 years, has mentally abusive parents/has been in toxic relationships, and has panic/anxiety attacks every night. I do not actually have any close friends despite having people that want to be friends with me. When I try to talk to people, it does not feel genuine or they have this expectation of me based on my image that does not reflect who I am as a person. Its exhausting that people think I am a huge ball of fun energy and loves to party, that is not who I am at all. And when they find out how I actually am as a person, it sucks because I literally see them lose interest in me. My family raised me and distilled values of perfectionism and reputation to the point that they stripped me of any bit of originality. When I try to be myself around them, I get told I am being weird or what will people think about you. My own mother calls me ugly and points out the smallest imperfectionsI go on dates and people just want to have sex with me for my body, and when I want to develop an emotional connection I get blown off - often times because the other side did not expect me to be as emotional as I am and it scares them. I feel like I have no one to be vulnerable with and it makes me feel so unbelievably lonely. The thing is, I do not think I have ever felt like I was not lonely. Who am I living for? What am I even working so hard for? How did I even get this far? On the outside everything looks perfect",Suicidal +21852,"Being up north in a cabin in the woods, snow and pines all around. Alone, trees and mountains all around. Alone. Crossing the room, the floorboards creaking under foot, the weight of my footprints are one last mark alive on this earth. The cold wind hitting the walls of the outside. Pulling a handgun out from the drawer in the corner. Placing it in my mouth, or on the side of my head? on my temple? whichever way it is with full intentions to pull the trigger. Am I really meant to stay alive? Was told to stay alive, but for what? Only to create more misery? The ones who have said it disappeared in the wind. To stay alive to not exist? To live only to wish to end this misery, wishing to end this thing called living? We all meet the earth in our deteriorating bones eventually. I have no legacy. I will be forgotten like the ones before me. I think these things as I am pressing the ball of the barrel to my temple. I think of him, who first said to me to stay alive even though he disappeared and said to never call back. Why am I still here? I want to cry, to scream to take this pain away. Am I really going to give in to living or just end it all? TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY! End MY MISERY! I lower the gun and fold into a ball. The gun lay at my head, the gun laying in full sight. I stare at it, conscious of the outside, the wind shifting frame of this cabin. I close my eyes and pray I no longer want to be alive. To fall asleep. To wake up alive. I want to die! Am really meant to be alive? I have no interesting tile but I hope someone reads this, relates to it. Maybe enjoys it.",Suicidal +9568,"I have lurked on Reddit for years, but never had the balls to sign up and post. I am truly at the end of my rope, and I just wanted to reach out and have someone see this.There is not anything much to say, I am a scared, sad person who does not have any further options or avenues. My brain has been on fire for so long now, and I just want it to stop. I know I am too frightened of pain and death to actively do anything to myself, but I am just going to quit. On everything.Thank you to the Reddit community for making me laugh, keeping me informed, and generally distracting me through these times. I cannot Anymore",Suicidal +26334,i almost attempted last night and am at work today. i am really lightheaded and my brain is just not here and i feel like I am going to burst into tears after every two seconds. i do not have any time off hours to use so i do not know if i can go home. i do not know what to do but i feel awful at work after almost attempting,Suicidal +23965,"will I die if i just do not tell them? i took like 3,000-4,000 mg of paracetamol which i know is low enough to od with but will i die feom liver failure if i just hold it in for a few days? ODed last night. will not tell my family",Suicidal +9202,I was having a crisis and I tried to call my dad for help but he said he does not want me to throw suicide in his face and he cannot help. My mom has essentially decided she would rather have her boyfriend then me. My friends are great but they cannot really help me. Nobody knows what to say to me. I just do not know how I am supposed to keep doing this all by myself. I just want someone to help me and nobody can. I have no one left,Suicidal +16140,"I know humans are not meant to be perfect, but there is got to be a minimum standard, and I fall way below it.Depression kicked my ass when I was 9. I still cannot find enough motivation to brush my teeth daily. I have so much plaque and tooth ache and I keep telling myself maybe if I brush a little more it will all go away but I know that is not possible without a trip to the dentist. But I am going to be judged, not just by the dentist, by my family when they know the state of my teeth. I will have to pay for it out of pocket too and I really cannot afford that right now.I am overweight. Severely, I think. I hate waking up and remembering I am in this 75kg+++ body and even taking a shower makes my heart race because I am so fat and I spend hours every day pinching, poking, prodding. This is what people see when they talk to me. Disgusting. And yet I do not do anything about it. I tell myself ""oh, body positivity, eat whatever I want since life is short and I will die anyways"" and then end up binging tens of thousands of calories.I have a high degree. I think my eyes are in the 900s. At this rate I would rather gouge them out and go blind. My screen time amounts to 14 hours and more every day and I know I should be improving my life but it takes too much effort.This world. I do not want to live in a world where we are all just working for the sake of being able to afford to live. Work a few hours. Buy a few things. Repeat. Rinse. Why am I even studying? So i can get a higher paying job. For a better future. I do not want to live anymore. I want to be a plant somewhere in the world with nothing to care about. I want to improve my life but god damn am I chronically lazy. I see no end to this. I do not know how to continue living in this stupid house sharing a room with a sister I have not talked to in almost a year. In this stupid house, waking up to being screamed at by my parents, hearing them body shame me all the time and agreeing because what they are saying is true, everything is just too much and I just want to have a room of my own to cry inThey keep pressuring me to become the money maker in the house. I got a part time job along side my full time studies, but I got fired because I would always prioritize my school projects (filming and things) over work. I have not told them. I cannot even sell pictures of myself like I used to because I gained almost 10kg since then and nobody wants to look at a disgusting fat body with scars all over it, do they?I am only 17. I do not know where my life's headed. Never had my birthday celebrated since my sister was born, because I am born in December and she is born in January so the entire month of Dec is spent planning for her birthday. They do not even remember when I am born anymore. I feel like a ghost, a punching bag, a sorry pathetic excuse.I just feel overwhelmed right now and needed to let it off my shoulders. I say all this but I am probably never going to do anything about my life since I am just lazy. And tired. Mostly fat and lazy. I destroyed my own life",Suicidal +20508,"Why do I have to do this alone? It would have been so helpful to get someone to share my last moments and someone to answer the questions that may arise afterwards. They will speculate and they will accuse each other. But eventually they will move on. Even if it was their fault. There is no justice in this world, at least I got to know that Why is it so hard",Suicidal +21526,I genuinely do not know if I can keep myself safe but I went to the hospital and they did not admit me so I do not know what options I have left do not know what to do,Suicidal +15010,"I moved out of state away from all my friends a year ago and I still have no friends. I am in summer school but do not have time because of work. I work 8-12 hours pretty much 6 days a week. My parents are constantly hounding me to do school. I have dreams and hopes that one day I can have a family but I just do not see that happening. Maybe my judgement is clouded but I really do not see it happening. I do not feel comfortable sharing with my parents or anyone. I used to see a counselor and she said that it was likely that I had depression, OCD, and Anxiety. Literally one of my biggest dreams in life was to have a family but I am socially awkward and have not met any new friends in the past year so I do not know how that could possibly happen. I met this girl online and I we were in a relationship but she recently said she did not want to be in a relationship anymore because she does not want the stress of being in an LDR relationship. She constantly talks about how ugly she is, and how she despises how she looks and feels. Yet she just expects to still be friends without an issue. We always talked about how our lives were going to be together. I feel no hope anymore. She always opens up to me yet I do not open up to anyone. I am sorry if this is just rambling. I feel trapped and lost",Suicidal +8678,"If I would overcome my fears and stepout of my comfort zone and finally go to therapy then what? What should I tell them? That I do drugs? That I earn money illegally? (I do not sell drugs) What are they going to do? Lock me in the psychatry or prison? Or even both??? And what should I say what my next move is? To be honest my next move is not going to university or doing something normal its doing more drugs, harder drugs to escape reality. I cannot do this anymore I did not do drugs for 3 days and I am beyond miserable Going to therapy and saying what?",Suicidal +12432,Its been about 2 years of constant self harm thoughts and I am tired of it I wish there was a way to stop thoughts of self harm,Suicidal +26750,"I was feeling extremely, extremely ready to do it today. I was sitting on my floor sobbing because I had a ptsd flashback yesterday and all the friends I was with just left me. It was already terrifying and I have abandonment trauma on top of it, so them doing that made me spiral. Today I called my childhood best friend who I have been close to for over 20 years now, and he basically said I told you so and that its my fault because I do not want to move back to the city so I have access to better people and better friends.Then I reached out to my second best friend who I have known for around 6 years now and even lived with at one point, and asked him if he could come over because I was having a crisis and did not think I should be alone right now. His response was My girlfriend and I just went tubing and were tired I told my brother I was suicidal a few weeks ago and really needed his support and he told me hes too busy working and to give him 2-3 more years so he can buy a house. He does not even have any bills right now. He still lives in an apartment through foster care and could easily request less hours since he voluntarily picks them upEvery single friend I interacted with knows I have PTSD and am majorly depressed. Three of them know I am suicidal.Lmao everyone says if you are about to kill yourself to reach out and talk to someone but when you do, you get blown offLike I talk about how nobody actually cares about me and people scoff and act like there must be SOMEONE. No, there is literally nobody. I do not have parents, my brother is my only family and those few friends I have just do not give a shit. Literally my cats are the only thing keeping me here Everyone always tells you to reach out to someone if you are suicidal, but then when you reach out people do not want to deal with you.",Suicidal +23869,"I have been productive. Been killing it in the gym again, just got a great job, but none of that matters. I cannot take this pain. Its every second of every day. How can I die on purpose without killing my self? Any serious answers? I cannot take this anymore",Suicidal +23083,"I have had different scenarios in my head. 1) Hire a hitman to assassinate me so I will not chicken out.2) use my savings to travel somewhere really nice and far. A resort or hotel where you can see a nice view from the bath tub. Draw a nice bath, play Andrea Brucelli & Sarah Brightmans Time to Say Goodbye on repeat and overdose in the tub.Well, I am not going to do it. I think about it a lot. But whenever I am close to doing it, a picture of my loved ones mourning flashes in my head. But for fucks sake, I am so tempted to do it so I think about it a lot. we have all fantasized about our deaths. what is yours like?",Suicidal +14159,"My therapist and I am hopeful ill be off my medication by September. See, here is the thing. I was happy that I am somehow better. Its 3am and all I can think of is to just put an end to all this bullshit. What if all this time I have been fooling myself? There are still days and nights when all I just want to do is beat the shit out of me till I just yk, not wake up anymore. Am I going to get better? I am really not convinced. I mean I want to but these demons do not easily leave you do not they? Been on therapy for a couple of months now anddd",Suicidal +7939,"there is a million different reasons why. I am autistic, I was bullied throughout my school years and emotionally abused by my parents at home. I have never had any friends and i was kicked out of school a few months ago. I do not even know what is going on anymore and I am scared. I feel like i might kill myself in the next few weeks",Suicidal +26094,"My life has been falling apart the last couple of years and I just want it to end. During the last couple of years a very close friend of mine committed suicide, my relationship of seven years ended, my mom has a tumor and could possibly have cancer, and now I have hurt my ex in a way I could never forgive myself for. I am in my early twenties and things have been bad for so long I feel like it will never get better. I have relapsed into sh pretty bad again and I feel like now all I need is a little push. If anyone knows any self destructive/triggering movies similar to Suicide Room please let me know. Part of me just wants to completely spiral so I can finally end it all. It does not get better.",Suicidal +18373,"I found a way to quite peacefully kill myself, but that is not the only thing. At almost all times I could be ready to do it in like 20 minutes.Since I discovered this I just cannot get it out of my mind, and unintentionally made a whole plan for it.it is just so hard, I just feel like I am not a person who is right for this world. Too weak to handel it all, too afraid to get older. I never velt like could do it, and the longer I life the less I feel like I can do it (I mean growing old). it is on my mind...",Suicidal +16983,it is just useless i do not know what to write. i am utterly useless and horrible and I am going to fix that goner,Suicidal +8265,Tried 4 times. Did permanent damage but even failed at killing myself. My life just keeps getting worse no matter how hard I try. I have a rare genetic illness that makes me extremely sensitive to drugs and alcohol. I figure maybe I can slowly kill myself by just drinking or something. it will be slower than I want but faster than others because of this illnesses. Idk shit about drugs and alcohol though. Just want to die. I am done. Please :( 28. Never done drugs or drank. Might start because I apparently cannot even kill myself right.,Suicidal +14082,"Here I am, once again to rant about me being obsessive? I do not know how to put it. Well yeah, obsessive is a good enough description. I have been stuck on this specific person and regardless of how much I am supposed to be far from them I keep trying to attach to them as if they will attach to me back. We used to be great, both attached until drama happened and now its one sided. I open up my feelings and she just replies with one line. She has told me she does not trust me, so why the hell do I trust her? MY MIND IS CLOUTED. I AM, SUFFERING. With a heavy stone weightening my heart, and my friends being scared away from me being obsessive I honestly do not know what to do. I do not want to talk to her even so why do I exist? Why do I have to live? Why do I have to od what I do in order to do. DRUGS ANTI PSYCHADELICS ARE USELESS. Well useless is incorrect terminology but I AM STILL IN PAIN. Why the fuck does he not give me anti depressants I do not fucking know. Ok listen, I am in pain ok? There legit 0 people I can talk about it with as of now since everyone is either ignoring me or just ignoring me or just ignoring me or maybe sleeping I do not know. I am obsessed, I am obsessed with a single person while I am not obsessed. When My mood swings I am obsessed but otherwise no? What is this weird translations of emotion I have no clue therefore I shall go and kill myself because I cba to live. Who am I kidding, everything feels blurry, Everything is in pain. Everything is just suffering I cannot, I cannot , I cannot , I cannot, I cannot, PAIN. P-a-I-N. Fuck bpd manI cannot deal with this anymore, I am sorry, the pain is too much. Drugs do not help, therapy does not help, the suicide attempt thing I got closest to helping maybe it is time to finish it off Obsession",Suicidal +9997,I am just here the only emotion I feel is loneliness I am on my own all day do not really speak to many people I feel like I am in limbo/purgatory nothing is happening and I cannot get out I have no money (which I can spend) so I cannot even go out anywhere and do activities I take regular walks daily And if I am honest I cannot see my life changing I am just existing,Suicidal +27008,90mg of xanax and a 1.5 l of wine? I do not want to wake up Will this kill me?,Suicidal +26270,.....dealing with non-stop self-hatred and obsessively ruminating over every bad thing you have ever done to the point that all of your energy and motivation vanishes into the ether because you can never be a good person so why even bother? Any tips for.....,Suicidal +12133,"I am just going to kill myself anyway, I cannot stand waking up to another day being alive is worse. it is close to the end of the month and it does not get better cannot wait to kill myself soon. I should have ended it two years ago this has all just been pointless. I have no hope in this life",Suicidal +9093,"idk i just want to fucking die. i want to run away. please i do not want to commit suicide but i also want to die or just run away from everyone else. ik I am throwing a pity party but i honestly dk what the fuck i do. please let me diei keep on running away i keep on deluding myself but I am tired. even if I am not physically tired, I am mentally tired. i feel so lethargic i feel so pathetic that i just want my existence to cease. and when i open up, i get beat up instead. idk please i just want to die. why am i even alive? i shouldbve just died before then. i should not have been born i should not have survived back then. then maybe i are not even going to experience such horrible things. living is so hard. i was mistake. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I am not worthy. i just want to die. these fucking intrusive thoughts keep on plaguing my mind. it drives me crazy. and when i tell this to them i only end up on getting blamed on. instead, they push me hard down. they let me down. i want help. i really do. but why do i get invalidated instead of getting help? why do you push me so when i reach out of helplessness of myself? do i deserve getting blamed? maybe. but why... just why am i being compared to other people?i hate this. i hate myself. i hate my life. i just want to die. help. can someone help me? i want help but i guess i do not deserve it when all i do is laze around like what they say. do i not deserve help?i searched it up. and the close results were adhd, but then again, i would need diagnosis from a professional. and when i do ask for help by telling them about, i get reprimanded instead. ""its because you are on the phone always"" ""you are too addicted on such worthless things"" ""you do not live on reality"" i know. i fucking know, you do not have to remind me because i already say even worse things to myself than you will ever know. I have already degraded myself on a level that so deep you will be ashamed. why do you have to down me like this? i need your support, your encouragement. not your invalidation, your comparison, everything. BECAUSE I have ALREADY DONE ALL OF THAN IN MY MIND THAT ITS ALREADY DRIVING ME CRAZY. SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ADD GAS TO THE FLAMES??? this is already driving me nuts.i never wanted to be born. :]",Suicidal +11278,Fuck my mind's a mess right now. not suicidal but I feel really alone and so much is happening and I do not think anyone understands itHope whoevers reading this are alright. Love you all and hate seeing others go threw shit too. A nightmare,Suicidal +15761,"i risked too much, and now i feel I am losing it all. the thing is, I did not have much to gamble with in the first place and it took everything I had to be strong enough to keep moving forward. I have been trying to get this engineering major finished since I was 26, now I am 30. it is going to still take another year and a half. it is not that I am not smart enough. it is that I have extremely debilitating undiagnosed issues that because me to self destruct and self harm. my level of self hatred is not negligible. people have seen it in me for years. men have told me things like that I have a chip on my shoulder, they ask me why I am doing what I am doing, they use me repeatedly because I have no defense. it is a curse being intelligent at the bottom, especially for a woman. it is almost too painful to describe. and the fact is that I take pains not to blame others and to shoulder burdens on my own. and it is never enough, it is never good enough. I am used up and ruined. the only time things were going well for me, someone greedy and evil saw my happiness and my earnestness and they pounced on me. tricked me, used me up. hurt me beyond measure. and i feel that I am screaming inside but no one seems to care. it is past the point of being too proud to ask for help, it is just that it seems I am asking too late. the efforts I make now seem to be tainted and cursed. having high expectations of myself translates into high expectations of others and when you are down down down in a bad place financially, mentally as a woman believe me the amount of people who judge and mistrust your character is much higher than those willing to be sympathetic or to do anything to help.I make the issue worse by watching misogynist propaganda i find online. I play into that mindset that I am just a dirty slut that deserves to get thrown away, because it hurts so badly to not understand why my life has been so cruel. it almost is a relief to just feel the abuse, feel that i deserve it now because it keeps finding me. what a cursed existence. all because i wanted more from life, and I truly believed that i had been short changed and that if I worked hard enough that things could get better for me. unfortunately for someone that has the label independent woman, it is pretty unappealing in all reality where i am at geographically. not terrible, no one stops me. but people are suspicious. and men seem to just have a sixth sense that my passionate spirit and easy to excite personality and my openness are just ripe to abuse and take advantage of. I have to move in 3 days, i have nowhere lined up. i broke my foot recently and i also got charges for smoking marijuana recently. i had to take medicaid so that i could get some kind of medical care, and i hate myself for what I have become and where I am at now. To me, I am a victim of circumstance and of ignorance (my own). yet no one cares about the particulars when you are down like I am, they just see someone emotionally out of control and our society, the world in general, treats women so disposably. I am extremely aware of my own disposability and the thrill or excitement or hope that allowed me to keep functioning in the past have been taken from me. &#x200B;honestly, I am too overwhelmed to function and too stubborn to give up. I have never felt more misunderstood or more unattractive. I have thoughts of ending my life daily but i lie to the therapist about that because i do not want to end up in some lockdown or for it to be any more obvious how fucking insane I have gone from all of the despair. I feel strongly that at this point, because of my lifelong self destruction, that the only person who would really feel upset would be my mother. and even she is more than aware of the neglect and abuse in my past so even she would probably have to acknowledge that the act has given me some sort of relief. Although she is so religious , maybe she would hate me for it. but it cannot be much worse than having to support your daughter who was ruined mentally by an abusive man and who has such misguided lofty aspirations when in reality, I am nothing more than a used up slut who is too old for a man to love. i know how skewed my perceptions are, it did not matter when i was functional, but now I am not. i do not want to face the consequences of the past . i want to give up because all of my idealism and hope are dead. and I am not even attractive or youthful or anything useful to a man anymore. yes I have got issues bad. i feel so worthless. i feel so hopeless. I am drawn to people that abuse me. I am a burden to the state and to my mother financially. I am not sexually driven or beautiful so i'have no worth to men. I have existed in misery without help for so long that nothing gives me happiness anymore and i attack those that try to help me because I have been hurt so many times. i want to gather all of my belongings, leave this place, leave my stuff with my mom and just drive away and find somewhere beautiful to end my life, alone and solitary and without anyone else around to hurt me. only myself just let me crawl away and die",Suicidal +18510,"I cannot stop looking at myself without thinking of cutting. I wash the dishes and marvel at the pale blue of untouched veins, play piano and ache to tear at the untouched skin on my arms, stretch and admire the slashes that criss cross my ankles. In the shower I run my hands over the layers and layers of scars that grace my hips and shoulders, and I think *they are beautiful.*It feels wrong, to think that scars and self harm in such a manner is beautiful. This is not beautiful in the sense of ""this is me, this is a testament to my strength,"" it is beautiful in the same way perfect makeup or the feathers of a male peacock are. It makes me want to cut more, and continue this twisted version of ""beautiful"" I have somehow created in my attempts to run from pain. Every attempt I make at building a negative association fails, and every time I am scolded by my mom for not taking better care of my skin I dismiss it.It feels like art, when I do not want to be an artist with a canvas of skin and a medium of blades and blood. But I do not see a way out of it. I do not know what to call this-",Suicidal +37067,My grandpas wrist is bleeding really bad he cut it on accident 😩,Suicidal +19290,"The voices never stop mocking me, telling me to hurt myself and others. I feel like I am only living for the sake of my loved ones and nothing truly matters. I have inflicted a lot of damage in the past and paid the price a thousand times over. Its just been a viscous cycle I cannot break. I have had to isolate myself for years in fear of hurting the people that used to be around me. Today I have to pay for my past actions I will have to deal with another lengthy jail sentence. But first I am going to check myself into a psychiatric facility. Going to get help before I lash out again",Suicidal +12995,"I do not even know what to say the way I feel at the min I just dunno what to write, iv reached out to talk no one wants to know(eg mental health 24h) does it get better? Fuck knows .",Suicidal +11782,"I want to commit suicideBut I am afraid to survive. I am afraid of paralysis of the leg or any other problem except deathI want to throw myself out of my brother's carI know there are other ways to commit suicide, but I do not want them to know that I committed suicide, they should think that it was just an accident.I may survive and that scares me(My language is not English, sorry for the mistakes) I am afraid",Suicidal +15221,"So today was supposed to be my first day at work and my family was super happy about it because I am very depressed and hardly leave my house. I was in a shitty mood so I took some xanax and smoked some weedand went to work, (I know I am a worthless drug addict) but I forgot my phone and the doors were locked since the dining area was not open until 10:00. So I had to drive home to get my phone, but by the time I got back it I was an hour late so I came home and explained to everyone why I am a massive failure who is so weak that he cannot even live.I have become what I was most scared of becoming, a redditor that does drugs and plays video games all day. I cannot believe that my life ended up being like this. it is not really like I can get better either, my parents try to support me but they just cannot deal with my issues (which is understandable) And my Friends just fucking dumped my ass to the curb after I started getting very depressed and taking hella pills, I have a therapist but I can only see her like once a month.This pandemic just completely fucked my life. I was still depressed before the pandemic but not to this level, things were getting better and then covid happened.I just do not like life, people, this world, and society. I just cannot deal with all the horibble shit that happens in this world and to me .I can tell my parents are disappointed in me, but I cannot blame them. I also told them that I do not believe in God anymore because this world is too fucked up to have a God running it, and if God does exhist than he just fucking hates me and this world and is a vengeful peice of shit motherfucker that I would never worshipMy life is in shambles I am just going die nodding off idgaf anymore, life is too shit to go on. I feel absolutaly (sorry I took xanx and forgot how to spell that) drained of my soul and being, I just want my LIFE back, I just want ME back and I just do not know what to do because the only support I have is the half ass meme advice my parents give me and my therapist who does not help much and can only see me once a monthI do not have any friends, I have nobody, I do not have a soul and no really gives a shit about me and I am completely alone in this world. Fuck everything. I never fail to disappoint everyone",Suicidal +22742,Seems like a good age. I want to die when I turn 25,Suicidal +26466,"As the title says. My life is a mistake in itself. I am a mistake and my dad left us when I was a child then my mom uses me to get child support. When I turn 18 the already bad treatment I get from my mother got worse when we moved to the city. Dad came back and got mom pregnant again and now I have a little sister, I am a ghost and they did not even look at me. To be honest, I used to be jealous of my little sister, haha hell they did not even bother asking where I went when I got home after days of being missing. What did I do? I studied hard then at the day of my graduation they just went ahead and died at a fucking accident. Now I got a job, poured all my soul to my job in hopes of being promoted and have it easy. I did get promoted but that is it, I enjoyed it for a few weeks until it became repetitive and I feel like an Npc doing everything it is programmed to do, no thoughts, no imaginations. I want to kill myself but no one will look after my little sister. I cannot even play video games at the Afterlife and I migjt even go to hell. Games saved me back then, I remember the time I play Mario and thinking how good it will be if I got born into a world with magic. Like books to other people games served as my safe place. Once my little sis got herself a job please someone kill me so I do not sin. Never told anyone this story. Haha glad I found this sub. Man. This is just like taking a thorn out of your chest I want to end it but I have a little sister and I am afraid of hell",Suicidal +11739,**solo queria decirles que me he decidido hacerlo pienso suicidarme ya que no aguanto esto mas deseme suerte ya se como deseo morir ire por lo necesario tengan lindo dia y si por si acaso no me funciona hablare por aqui :D** buenas gente,Suicidal +9008,"I am an Australian 16 year old. In my foreseeable future I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. I am on a prescription for fluoxetine which is an anti-depressant and has not affected how I have felt or thought ever since I started taking them. I am constantly on the verge of suicide with nothing to gain or nothing to lose. I take melatonin to sleep each night so if I wanted an easy way out I could easily overdose on the melatonin. I just need a reason to keep going, no goals in life, nothing pleases or makes me happy anymore. Give me a reason.",Suicidal +12544,I need something to do for 10 hours a day for the next few years to distract myself from suicide. Drop your ideas Ideas for Hobbies,Suicidal +12894,"As a kid, I wanted to be this amazing person. This strong and healthy person who is well respected by everyone. As I kept growing and seeing this shitty reality, those dreams were completely fucking wiped out by the shitty media, shitty people, disturbing ass news, depression, anxiety. As of right now my life is completely entirely fucked, I feel like there is no entry out of this gaping hole that seems to keep growing. No one absolutely feels my severe pain so that is why I did not tell anyone about it for a very long time. People always told me keep your head up or some bullshit like oh its going to be okay. The more you keep saying that, the more you are feeding into my deep intention of hanging myself and that is when everything is finally okay because you do not have to deal with one rotten person who has living in this hell called Earth. I felt like its time to say it due to keeping this quiet for half of my life. I just graduated high school and going into college, I seriously will not make it past this point. I am going to die very soon. Is there even a chance in this world anymore? Apparently not.",Suicidal +26726,"I have had enough, people lying, losing friends, I am having a fucking panic attack I am FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT",Suicidal +24484,"For four weeks I have had thoughts and dreams about how nobody understands what I am battling in my mind, everybody is angry and shouting at me for being so silent and useless and a burden. In these dreams I go to the bathroom, empty a bottle of pills on my hand and throw all of them down my throat. My knees get weak, I break down and then sleep. Even though I am unconscious, I see how somebody discovers me and what I did and just stands there indifferentlylike she expected it but is not surprised so she does not care.I call a therapist because these thoughts get persistent in my day. I try to not overhope since therapy is no magic, I am aware of that. An hour later, he tells me he will not work with me and I should just take pills. No therapy is needed here since I am already unfixable. I leave him crushed, baffled and angry.I visit a friend the first time since the pandemic for three days. We planned this for three months now. The first two days go absolutely pleasantly. We talk and laugh, play cards (Exploding kittens and Durak) and drink a little, we watch movies (Disney's Luca and Netflix's Ratched). Third day, he changes. When I talk to him, he always just monotously answers ""Okay."" I try to tell him, I am just trying to smalltalk and that his indifference feels cold to me, and he responds that he does not have to be interested in everything I say. That hurt. I go quiet. I do not know what to do or say to him. As a kid I was bullied for being an odd one out in school and by my family. that is why I tend to go silent so to not annoy anyone and become invisible. Then he gets angry at me for ignoring him. I get quieter and secretly cry in the bathroom. The visit ends. My mind is confused and broken.One week later I think ""whatever."", start to ignore my feelings and my hurts by taking SSRI again. I still have a good batch of unused ones from when my maternal grandfather died and I developed a (now partially overcome) hypochondriasis which was fed by me actually having a for six months unrecognised infection of my CNS. So since nobody wants to help me to learn how to deal with these emotions and my suicidal thoughts, I might aswell just take these fake blisses of happiness. It is the only option I have. Fake smile, no cry, here we go.Third pill in I get headaches throughout the day. My sleep is disrupted, I wake up several times in the night. Even though in the morning I wake up rested I am awfully tired at day. I have to lay down for half an hour in the afternoon or I would crash hard. I am not even sleeping, just laying there with my eyes closed. Throughout the day it sometimes feels like I am not even there. While reading I see my arms and it feels like they are some weird noodles that do not belong to my body. it is as someone is standing behind me holding the book. My head feels as if it is floating in a gelatine of air. Sometimes it even is hard to read the words in the book. But why should I be concerned? it is better this way. I am tranquilized.Fifth pill in, today. I realize how many friends I tried to talk to about my struggles and how every single one of them told me in the end that they cannot handle that part of me or straight up do not care. I am not even sure if there is any friend who would realize that I am gone if I would be offing myself right now. I think that they would realize that I am not responding to any chat messages after a while. But after that why would they care to investigate any further. It would seem like I left (or ignoring them) and they would forget about me.that is where I am right now. In my head I am walking through a ghost town. A town that never lived. A town that is made of gray and is shone upon by a misty moon. A town that has empty houses for those friends that will never come. A town that is filled with the graves of all the people who I pushed away, who distanced themselves, who I lost. Here I am, a lifeless wind howling through my empty mind. I cannot scream because nobody would hear it. I cannot cry because of my fake happiness. The flame in my heart has burnt cold. I am nothing more than a hollow body, no life, no spark. I do not know where I am.",Suicidal +12197,Cuddling my pillow I am so pathetic,Suicidal +22565,"So since my last post of honestly wanting to die. My life has somehow actually gotten worse...? Go figure... I thought, for the sake of the love of my life, maybe I should pull my ass from the ground and really try to do something more for my life. I am still on the path to losing weight, I am slowly getting healthier, I am on the right track for medications, I applied for another job thinking maybe now the covid (for the most part) is dying. I could finally return to work. I could pay my debts, save up, buy a travel trailer for now, and a vehicle to tow it. I am 22 without a drivers license... I am 22 and I do not own a car. I am 22 and I cannot even pay a simple phone bill. I am 22 and I can barley afford to feed myself even with stamps, I cannot afford the special diet for my medical needs. I am 22 and I cannot hold a job. I am 22 and I am relying on the state because my family is basically dead to me and I to them. I am 22 with next to no friends. I am 22 and I do not think I cannot really trust anyone else ever. I am 22 and I am pathetic. I am 22 and I have longed for death for so long. I am 22 and I should have been dead before 18 according to doctors when I was a child. I am 22. I made it past all the odds I was given, I did not get pregnant at 20 like the last few generations of my family. I am 22 and I am a failure. I cannot stop thinking about it, I cannot stop longing for it. I am 22. Why am I in this much pain? Why do I deserve this? I try to better my life... I try so hard to no avail at ALL. I grew up severely abused and neglected, I kept pushing and pushing, I had no help, its never been easy, I have basically been on my own since a very young age, I took care of all my younger siblings because my parents are incapable entirely. I was the mother. The caretaker. I did it all. I cleaned an entire house pretty much daily. I cooked all the meals. While juggling public school, state enforced therapy and a bunch of other shit. I have never had a stable situation I could spit toward. But then. I met someone. I love him so much, the first person to really treat me like a human instead of a tool, someone who really just wanted to get to know me, let me express my emotions. Someone who tried their best to offer me the stability I craved my entire life. But now I have fuked that up too... I got my job, I managed to nearly break my foot and got fired after one day of training. Which lead my depression down again, so I stopped taking as much care of myself. Now. Half way through my doctor advised healing. I am being asked to leave, not by the person but another, who owns the house, so I must abide. I am 22. I am on the street. I cannot get a job and I have no real place to sleep. I am pretty much way past the point of dead inside. I really am a useless and worthless piece of shit. I did my best, I had a bit of stability for once. Now I cannot live without having that again. I am done this time. I have been homeless so much because of my shit family, and got used by toxic friends to just have a place to sleep. I tried to change my life. I needed a little more time. there is something really wrong with me and I am never going to get the help I need. No one wants to be around me, is not that clear from how many times I have been asked to leave? Yet no ones going to give me a reason or tell me what I did and I cannot figure it out. This is hell. I want to change and be better, because clearly something is wrong with me. But I do not know how... I cannot do this again.. I am homeless again and I am twenty fucking two. I am worthless. A waste of time and space. I am useless. I mean nothing. No one is going to actually care until I am gone. No one is going to really miss me. I cannot get these thoughts to go away, they have been so present since March my last post. I did not kill myself when I planned to because I got the job, things looked up for such a short time. Now not only am I back to square one, I have taken several steps back from that. I am way fucking worse. My fear of instabilty has grown to new unbearable heights. I am confident I will never been able to live somewhere and not get fucked over. Like that is legit it. I. Am. Done. I want to die, I do not want to do this again, it will never get better and if it does for a few months? A year? Then what? I just prolonged this shit again. I cannot take itIm done this time I am over my lifeI cannot do this anymore. I am 22I have nothing to my name, I cannot even stand on my own two feet (quite literally) I will never get help, I will never be fixed, idfk what is wrong with me I cannot handle this anymore I am so scared and I feel so alone. I want to cry till my eyes bleed. I want this world to make sense. I feel like I am a break in the code. A mistake. I do not belong here. I never will. I should not be of this world. I am not made for it. I am too scared a mental hospital will fuck me like they did as a child, beyond that where do I go when I get out? I am homeless again.. maybe I should just rot there? I do not know I do not know what to doIm lostIm scaredIm helplessI want to change my life yet every chance I try for gets taken away from me.I am undeserving of kindness, just like my family taught meI am undeserving of love I am undeserving of time or space I do not want anyone to waste their energy on meI don want to be thought of I do not want to be spoken about I want to disappear Its not even that I want to dieI just do not want to live like thisI do not want to struggle like this I want to be far away from all you humans.Yet that can never happen. Humanity is cruel Death is my only option I am 22.... I am 22 and its just worse",Suicidal +7276,"Earlier this week, I heard that a casual friends father committed suicide and I am having a hard time processing it. From the outside looking in he seemed to have a good life. Great wife and kids, beautiful grand babies, very successful and wealthy, very supportive and loving family.his whole family had gone on a trip and he had stayed behindwhen they returned they found him and he had shot himself in the head. I am so sad to hear this because he was in such a dark and painful space to kill himself and having his family find him I hope he found the relief and peace he was seeking. Suicide of my friends dad",Suicidal +11506,"Every day I think about just doing it and being done. I do not want to die. But its all I think about now. I do not know how to make things better when what makes me upset is out of my control. I am stuck in a place I am not happy and I have no way out. Well, one way right now I guess. How do I stop hating the life that I am living? I do not know. I do not think Ill ever know. I do not even think I deserve to know. I do not know how to stop",Suicidal +25807,it hurts so much knowing i was the reason you were scared and worried. You should not love me. I am not a good person. I did this to you and still want to die even now. it would be so much easier if you just did not care about me. Why do you have to care so much? I wish you did not. Then i would not feel bad dying. And you would not feel sad about me dying. I still want to die so so badly but how can uou still care about me and say you love me? I am selfish and undeserving of it. Why cannot you stop caring about me? Why do i still want to die even knowing how badly it would hurt you? I am so sorry. This is why i need to die.this just proves how horrible and selfish i really am. Wanting to die even with wonderful friends around me who care. I am sorry I wish you did not care,Suicidal +25728,my dog is older and has a lot of health issues. tonight i stole some my dog's prescription hydrocodone just to feel ok for one night. I have had a bit to drink tonight as well.i have not felt ok in a while and I am not sure what to do i hit a new low tonight,Suicidal +26862,"I miss my friend. He was 16 and now he is dead. it is my fault. I wish I died instead. I am so sad. These emotions and this lack of understanding are killing me. I planned on killing myself today but I do not know if I can. I feel broken, a she will of what I once was. I do not understand what is happening to me. there is so much pain all the time, everyday this sadness crushes my head and it hurts and I cannot take it. I cannot fix this, I cannot concentrate, motivate myself, have a conversation, be happy, get any enjoyment out of anything. Everything is so overwhelming now. It all used to be so simple. I am a terrible human being and in the end I deserve to die. I know I am eventually going to kill myself, I really hope so. I do not want to live to 18 because I am so scared of age. I simply do not want to do this anymore. I am not right anymore, I have lost myself. I cannot be who I used to be. Now I am just angry and sad and in pain all the time. Sorry for saying all that, I just needed to let that out, it did not make me feel better but I tried I guess. I feel haunted (vent)",Suicidal +8947,i csnt deal with this shit for the rest of my life there is no point i have to kill myself tonight i have pills my arm is bleeding i have no reason to keep going i cannot do it anymore,Suicidal +18676,What meth0ds will you use? tell me pls How are you all planning to unalive yourselves,Suicidal +18636,"No matter how much I try, I can never see on why someone would willingly talk to me with their time and actually treat me like a human. I have such a negative mindset onto myself that I cannot fathom why people would talk to the likes of me.Do they talk to me out of pity? Want something from me in the future as 'compensation'? Do they really not have anyone else better to talk to? Other than these 3 questions that I always get into my head, I cannot help but wonder why else they would talk to me without hating me as a person.I cannot help but wonder if I just tried a little harder, maybe I would not be suicidal either and probably would not have to think of these negative thoughts over and over again. Why do I feel like everyone secretly hates me?",Suicidal +15611,Had to cancel because they lied about insurance. I feel like I am going to go insane and just fucking end it No therapy tomorrow and I feel like I am hanging on to my sanity by a thread,Suicidal +24778,"My husband hates me. I am a shitty partner, a shitty parent. I have not spoken to most of my family in over a year. My mother only still talks to me because she wants access to my child. I am a piece of shit with zero potential to be anything else. there is no doubt, right, that there are people the world would be better off without? So then why is suicide bad? If racists, rapists, and pedophiles started taking themselves out we would celebrate. So why not me too? Why not? Why not?",Suicidal +19250,"i have a horrible family that treats me like shit, i have no friends, i have no one to talk to anymore. exhausted is the perfect word for how i feel, like i cannot breathe anymore. it feels like a weight is on me at all times. i do not think i can go on for even another day like this. i have a bottle of pills here but i do not think i can do it. but i just want everything to stop. i want everyone to just stop. i want to be free of this hell I am in. i need so much help and no one listens to me. I am so exhausted of everything",Suicidal +19777,"I do not really know why people coming in here i do not really seek for attention or anything but almost 95% of the posts are left dead no comments or reply, without anymore people that here for help or listening it is me or this subreedit is most likely dead like all of us that coming in here it could be ironic that a subreedit that talking about dead and suicide were left empty. Anyways it always been like that you called for help but nobody came What the point of coming in here",Suicidal +18319,"I am tired. it is the same routine everyday. over and over again.i used to be a morning person before the pandemic happened. now i feel like a zombie waking up every morning. my mom wakes me up every morning, but never with a ""good morning"". it is always ""you are never studying"" or ""wake up you lazy ass"". cannot she, for once, notice that I am consumed by dark thoughts and sadness? (i would not say I am depressed, because I am not clinically diagnosed). yesterday, after my online class, i was having an existential crisis and just lying in bed crying the fuck out into my pillow. I am pretty sure my mom heard me crying, and chose not to ask me about it. and while i like to be left alone when I am having breakdowns, it would really have helped me if my mom had comforted me. instead, she chooses to always call me lazy. I am so sick of this. online classes suck, but that is a whole another story for another post. i just feel really really suicidal right now. there is nothing left to live for. my life is not going like I would imagined it. what is going to happen? should i really keep going? when I am actually contemplating suicide, i realize i want to hold on a little bit longer. that is when i realize i do not want to die, i just want to live. I am so tired of everything",Suicidal +22282,24/7 all i can think about is hanging myself. Time moves by and i am always back to square one. fuck this shit. I might really do it this time. cannot get the thoughts out of my head.,Suicidal +7086,I tried it a few times but it never worked except for the last time but I got scared and called the ambulance. But now I am sad again and I think about killing myself again.My medication does not help me enough and everyone seems to hate me that is why I cannot find a reason to stay alive. I do not want to live anymore,Suicidal +17637,Tired of everything Is there a point or reasons?,Suicidal +19244,See you all in whatever comes next. Hopefully not fires and eternal damnation. Goodbye,Suicidal +15222,"I have friends, but they only talk to me if I contact them first, I have a car, going out on dates with a girl, entered the University I wanted, yet I feel so alone and anything I do is meaningless. Last year one of my best friends died, I broke up with my toxic ex and my parents treat me like If I was the worst son. I feel like I have lost sight of who I am or was, and that nobody actually likes me enough to consider me their friend . Although I did get a great job and my life is ""better than ever"" I just feel like days are just passing by and I am just going with the flow of what I am supposed to do. I wish to just sleep one day and never wake up. I feel like each day the idea of killing myself does not seem too bad.",Suicidal +22461,"Fuxk dude, I just need the mental strength to do it, please just help me meet this goal, do not try convincing me that its all worth it and how much people will miss me please... I just need a reason for this al to be over.I just need the balls to commit to the end and have the guts to end this shit. I am tired of getting pummeled.I am begging, please let it end Drunk at atm",Suicidal +13602,"I annoy my family - whenever i open my mouth about a hot take, they all come at me, make fun of me. Tell me to go to my room, cry and scratch myself. I am boring to my boyfriend - he probably just talks to me because he feels sorry for me, feels like he is obligated. all his replies are blunt and dry anyways. My friends cannot stand me - Ik they cannot. they just feel like they owe me because I have been there for them. idk. i can tell they get bothered by me too. I cannot maintain healthy relationships with anyone. And I know its my fault. Everyone is so much more calm and happy when I am not here. People are unbothered, they are not annoyed. They can enjoy peace and serenity without this burden always being a thorn in their side. I am so sick of pretending to be strong. Who am I being strong for? Clearly nobody wants me around so why should not I just take myself out. I would just be hurrying the inevitable of me dying by myself with no one around. it would be better if i was not here",Suicidal +23852,"I have not tried to kill myself, so I cannot even get into acute hospitalization. Residential treatment does not exist. I hurt myself every day. I am non functional. I am living on someone else's money. I have long dissociative episodes where I snap out of it in places I do not remember going to.there is only so long until something snaps, but I cannot find any way to get supervised living. I am so scared that I will dissociate and kill myself, I will hurt myself in a way that causes my death, or I will just snap. I have gone to the point where I have asked for help. I have gone to the emergency room and explained my detailed plans. I have told my therapist my detailed plans and how I harm myself every single day. I feel like the world is goading me into trying to kill myself, demanding I prove it in order to get help. I feel like there is no way for me to be safe.",Suicidal +27220,"Ill try my very hardest and want to kill myself every time i fail but I will not until the end of the year. When i do fail, ill text my abusive ex one last time, telling them I am finally listening to them and killing myself. I just want friends so bad. I want to be able to not be alone. I want to have any reason not to do it. I cannot do this alone anymore Giving it the rest of this year to make friends, if I fail, then ill do it.",Suicidal +37427,"I’m tired of lies and living in lies, of people showing only the versions they want to show and of shows that people put on.",Suicidal +23553,"let us not kid ourselves, life is pointless, and the prospect of death is enough to justify suicide for any person. Why must you pretentiously instil false hope into those who have realized the simple truth; that existence is inherently vain. In death there is potential, risk and uncertainty. In life there is potential, risk, uncertainty, and a constant: consciousness. Some suffer from being conscious, some benefit off it. But why keep those who are suffering from it alive? There is no point, even if there is potential for them to eventually get better, it will not matter in the end according to the laws of the world. If you are suffering; end it. If not; live. it is that simple, do not bother thinking about it. No need to prolong suffering for the sake of potential, potential of a life that is vain to begin with. Trust nothing, nothing is certain, literally. We live in a paradox, nothing makes sense. Kill me.",Suicidal +18353,"i genuinely feel as if were living the end of the world. it feels like nothing will ever get better. the world is so fucking depressing and cruel, that i see no other solution than to just go out on my own terms rather than die a more painful death. i do not even know where I am going with this. the world is fucked beyond belief and i just want to die how are people able to find hope right now?",Suicidal +22408,"I was on a date a couple of weeks ago. I feel awful. He said I reminded him of Fiona from Shrek. I lost over 30kg now. I weigh 54kg, 1.70m, and I am still fat. He started to poke my belly fat, proceeded to tell me I was still chubby. He pointed out my nose is crooked and that I should consider surgery. Why cannot I just be normal.I started to feel better about myself after losing weight. I did. And everything I felt insecure about came back just like that. I went on a walk last night. And I realised that it does not matter. Thick or thin. Make up, no make up. Working hard, hardly working. Poor, rich. I am worthless. It does not matter what I do. What I look like. In the end we are all going to die anyway. So I rather die now, while I still have some dignity left. Then die when I am old and have faced even more pain. I have tried, and tried and tried",Suicidal +8841,I think I just threw up because of anxiety again and it is been almost a year if not a year and a half sense I have thrown up over him and I just did it tonight I am at his house rn because family life is bad but I am going home tomorrow and I do not want to leave him but I know I have to so I can get better and I know now that if I die because of him he will not care but it is ok because that is just how life is cruel and unpredictable It has to do with the ex I was talking about in my last post,Suicidal +20441,cannot even get some fucking support without being downvoted. fuck all you all. just saying it straight up. this site is worthless. fuck this website and this world.,Suicidal +24757,"I am 20 yo male, I have anever had anyone whom i could call a friend. i often wonder, why I am always the safe space for people. till date I have had only had someone as my friend or they have had me as their friend only when they were sad or in need of some emotional support. if it had happened only once or twice then i could take it as a coincidence but it happens with me all the time. ngl, this makes me feel numb and mkaes me question my existence all the time. but, why me?",Suicidal +23542,I just wanted an easy life in the beginningI know people who are born rich and privileged and do not have depressionWhy could not I be born as one of them? Fuck life No I do not want to be told I am strong or I have been through a lot,Suicidal +12895,"i am so tired of existing only for others happiness. i often wish nobody cared about me, no family or friends, so i could just do it. I am 17, and I am looking to kill myself when both my parents die. so what??? how fucking long do i have to live in my mind, lonely and scared and broken? 30, 40 years??? i wish i would just die accidentally. when I am 18, I am going to get a job at a gas station in a shitty area doing graveyard shift and wait for someone to rob me. I will try to get them to kill me. I will get framed as a victim, and my family and friends will not have to be ashamed or feel guilty. i love everyone so much, and i fucking hate to hurt anybody, but i cannot do this anymore. I am weak, i was not meant for this world. I have been struggling pretty much everyday since i was 11 trying not to kill myself. just wish i could die",Suicidal +12011,first id like to say I am sorry for posting this here but I am not sure where else i can post this i just really need this information so please bear with me. i was wondering what the best gun to shoot yourself in the head would be. I am hoping for an instant death without pain but I am worried that the bigger revolvers have too much recoil and i may miss where I am aiming. so if anyone knows the perfect gun please let me know would appreciate info not advice but thank you,Suicidal +13161,let me die pls i want to overdose ffs,Suicidal +21634,Wtf. I do not know why I am feeling this way. I had a great night at a concert and made out with my crush and just overall had a great time. Fast forward 2 hours at a bar and I just want to find a time to leave because I hate myself and feel like I am the worst one there and everyone is judging me. Wtf? All my friends are with girls rn and my roommate who I usually open up to is out of town. Hes one of the only people in the world that knows what I am going through but I do not want to bother him when hes on vacation. I honestly feel like if there were a gun in my apartment Id use it on me. what is going on? Why do I feel like this? I guess you could say I hang out with the popular crew so idk maybe that is why I am feeling like shit cuz I am always comparing myself. But damn its not easy when I feel like everyone is doing so good and doing better than me. I just feel like I do not know how to act around people and everyone is living life pretty damn well. I went to a really good college but kind of have an average job so that probably contributes to the lack of confidence. This blows. The only reason I do not do it is cuz I love my family and I know how heartbroken they would be what do I do Just want some help please,Suicidal +37306,LOLOLOLOLOL I HATE HOW I TRUST PEOPLE WITH UGLY PICTURES OF MYSELF AND THEN THEY BREAK THAT TRUST LIKE LOL DAMN OK IT BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES,Suicidal +19899,"please, someone who lives in argentina or some nearby country could help me find a job in your country? it is nothing straight away but i would like to start now so i could go later this year. I beg you, I need to get out of this place. i have a dog that has no one else and i cannot kill and leave him alone. I am asking for help just to find a job so i can stay alive a little longer I beg you, I need to get out of this place. i have a dog that has no one else and i cannot kill and leave him alone.",Suicidal +10045,"I recently graduated High School and I am attending university in the fall. So many things are going well for me. I have wonderful grades, and I got into the program I wanted at a prestigious university. I have friends I am so grateful for. I have all these wonderful things, and yet all that seems to matter to me is how ugly I find myself, and how I will never find love or be loved because I am just not normal. I have internalized everything my sister taught me about myself as a child, about how much of an embarrassment I am because I do not act a certain way, or because I am just a fucking weirdo. I do not think my parents ever defended me; but now that she is messed with them, they have a problem with her.I cannot go a single day without reminding myself that I am repulsive, and ugly, and that no one will ever take me seriously or love me. I am not committing suicide right now because I do not know how to do it without inflicting too much pain.I feel like I know the way out of this, that it will and can get better, but I am not letting myself believe it. I am the only person not taking myself seriously, it seems. I feel so alone. No one knows this about me IRL. I want to die. I have been depressed and suffered so much from anxiety this past year. And no one knows, and no one is seeing it happen. And I do not know if I trust anyone to talk about it. I am so tired. Terrified and tired",Suicidal +21065,"Hello, I am planning to kill myself at the end of this week. Should I plan something, prepare anything for my family/friends or it would not matter at the end of things? I wrote letters for them, but I am not sure if it is enough. Thanks. What do I have to plan or prepare before I kill myself?",Suicidal +19629,"I am diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, and things were really looking up after being diagnosed a year and a half ago. Recently I have become aware of just how deeply it affects my life on a day-to-day basis, and I guess I am struggling accepting that part of myself. It does not help that I have had this premonition (I get premonitions a lot, and I know how it sounds, but they are actually very spot on) of the year 23 since 2016. I always felt it as an end, an end to what I could see anyhow, so I was not sure what it really meant. I turned 23 in August last year and it is been a pretty tense year, I have been scared of big trucks (bc that is how I am going to go) but I knew I would /know/ when the time came... well... yesterday it did... a week from now, I just feel it. And all the things that have stopped me before when I have been suicidal are either solved or do not bother me anymore. So I am just trying to figure out what to do in the meantime? I have considered going to the ER and ask for help, but I do not know what to tell them.. that I know I am going to die in a week? it sounds stupid...But I really feel no need to live any longer, I am happy with the life I have lived, and I feel like it is just the end of the road for me.do not know if anyone here can relate at all, or have any advice, but I really just wanted to tell someone. I do not really want to die, but have foretold my own death for years and it is one week off",Suicidal +24441,"I feel so guilty for sending this because I do not feel like I even have a proper reason to feel the way I do, but I am so scared. I am not often suicidal but I am so tempted right now I am worried. This year has been so difficult I feel so rageful and angry inside that I can barely recognise myself anymore. The problem is I do not know how to communicate it to other people and I do not even know why I am so hurt. I feel like I need help and I do not even know why. I always try to seem happy and optimistic but these past few months I have felt so hateful and evil and unlovable. Even now I am worried I seem melodramatic writing this post. But I just feel really broken and evil and hurting, and I do not even know how to communicate it to people, and I am scared they would not understand. I know I should get therapy, but the small practical steps to get there feel so overwhelming. I am not even sure what I want from this,maybe for people to relate? Like is this even normal?is this human?is this fixable? I do not even know why I am writing this or if I have even suffered enough to warrant crying for help in such a way I am hurting inside so bad but no one sees it",Suicidal +20387,"let us say that my life is miserable with no friends and only thing i hear from my family is some issues about money , and let us say that i studied my whole life for nothing so i cannot even have a job ,and recently became an atheist and lost all meanings of life . Why would I continue to live ? Can i have any good reason? Help",Suicidal +15143,I am not going to die dear reader and that is really hard to think about it. May you have the ability to persist on your own struggles dear reader. May the present condition is not my final destination. Thank you. I am guilty of my own existence.,Suicidal +19497,I have an incurable disease and its excruciatingly painful everyday. I want to die to get rid of the pain. I have tried every treatment. there is no hope. Its embarrassing. I just want to die. I cannot function as a normal human being. Incurable disease,Suicidal +13748,I do the same shit every day. Treated like shit at home. what is the fucking point? The only thing keeping me alive right now is my kid and honestly not even sure that is enough. Fuck this. what is the fucking point,Suicidal +7841,"I mean why? I do not want to be suffered anymore, I do not want to be depressed, I do not want to make other people irritated and stressed..All I want is just ending my pain and leaving this terrible world. And also it will be much better for ppl around me when I leave. They will not be stressed or angry with me.I am useless and meaningless piece of shit. So I should die for everyone. If I keep leaving, everything will be much worse. Why I should live?",Suicidal +14517,Another failed attempt another week or so of suffering . I am so sick of life. God is a selfish bastard who did not make a button in body to just die whenever you want. And hes selfish enough to not kill me even after I pray to die nearly every night before sleep. I want to die. Please. Damnit,Suicidal +12965,"I am not even sure how to say this or what my thoughts are at this moment. I have always struggled with issues with anxiety. Suicidal thoughts have been present with me for quite some time as well. Family issues and as of right now primarily work have always been the driving issues for these. Although I am not in danger of making the permanent decision right now (to be honest I do not even think Id have the strength make a decision like that), after having a particularly shitty day, I wrote a suicide note. It was mostly to see what I would even say to my family if I were to do something like this. I want to get better. I want to not wake up filled with anxiety and depression and wishing it would all stop. Maybe one day I will, but tonight was a new low, and needed to share this with someone. Tonight I wrote a suicide note",Suicidal +7464,"I have wasted 18 years of my life,soon 19 5 months. If I started to learn a skill, Id be way behind. I learned nothing, people say its not possible I wasted 18, but I fucking did. Why not just live a fast short life with my useless body, and mind. Why not join a gang and die fast and hard. 18 goddamn years all lost. I want to do art digital first drawing.but why even try I am making no progress. What good artist started a 18 which fucking one. Ill always be pathetic I want to die at 20. Just die living a high paced life. Fuck it. I am pathetic I could do good in a gang or the military. Who cares if I die into never to late its never to late. Yes it fucking is Ill never get those goddamn years back. I am useless why I am a fucking leech all good people did something trained young. Yet I am here with no fucking anything. Fuck this. what is the point.",Suicidal +24119,"EVERYTHING reminds me of love now.I do not want to go outside, because everywhere you go, people are out there with their partners and kids. Every book you read has some sort of love story, or characters hooking up with each other.You turn on the TV to watch something, and you see a promo for a dating show, where people talk about how sweet and kind their partners are.You visit a subreddit on a completely unrelated topic, and someone says something like ""look what my wonderful boyfriend got me for my birthday!""You watch a video on suicide, and people talk about how they have no-one to talk to, except their loving husband.I have had one really bad experience with someone I had a crush on, and one friend in my entire twenty-six years. that is it.If a miracle happens, and I find someone, that is really nothing special. it is pathetic. For most people it does not have to be a feat of epic proportions.there is literally NO escaping other people's love. Love makes the world go around. If I do not like that, then obviously I am not meant to be here. Constantly reminded of why I should not be here.",Suicidal +15230,"i am extremely close to suicide. i cannot live like this anymore, i can never take my time, everything I have ever knew is now a lie to me, I am a lie to myself. I am becoming more insane by the minute. i do not know when i will kill myself, but it will most likely be this week, or next week. so, au revoir. if i some how fail, I am going to keep attempting until i do it. its becoming way too much for me.",Suicidal +12744,"So in the last several months I have had 3 failed overdoses. I have been going through a lot and it all got too much for me & there is no mental health support, what makes it worse for me is that my partner is making it worse on a daily basis, even if I try talk to her she makes it out to be something completely different & its like she is blind to what she is doing. Its making me feel like I am losing my mind, I have never felt so lonely in my own relationship. I just want to go my way",Suicidal +8917,"Dear fellow redditors,I decided to make a burner account because on the off chance that someone I know reads this they will not know its me. For a little perspective on myself I am 24 years old and have been depressed since I was 13-14. My depression has gotten bad to the point where the things I use to love such as playing music, writing movie scripts, and reading books are no longer an enjoyment of mine but instead a nuisance/annoyance. Last year I was rejected from film school, all my friends are either engaged, have good jobs or both. The one women that I have loved, who I still consider a friend,is now engaged to her fianc who is significantly better looking and more charming than myself. I on the other hand am still sleeping on my dads couch watching Simpsons re-runs day in and day out. I live in a world where everyone around me is happy while I continue to be miserable. I see no better option to eventually kill myself at some point down the road. Id tried therapy but that has not worked, I search inside of myself to find a reason and always come up empty. I have a worthless degree, a job I hate and no one who would flinch if I died tomorrow. The only thing keeping me alive is my dad. that is it. Eventually I will die from a suicide.I have accomplished nothing in life. I am as close to 18 as I am to 30 and have nothing to show for it. I am alone. To close I want to quote one of my favorite characters Randy the ram Robinson now I am an broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be aloneSincerely Anonymous I am going to eventually",Suicidal +8959,"I was given emergency surgery to repair testicular torsion back in 2017 and to this day I believe the surgery was botched in some way. I get frequent spells of extreme testicular pain that resonates throughout my lower abdomen. Not a minor annoyance either, pain so bad I sometimes have to go to the ER because I have reason to believe it is another torsion. Tonight makes the fifth trip to the ER with nothing wrong and no treatment given, along with several urologists throughout the years. Now, I am trans and am interested in an orchiectomy for both medical reasons and dysphoria. However, I still do not know *for sure* if my testicles are the issue. I have seen several hypotheses given through the years, ranging from bladder infections to just really, really bad cases of ""blue balls."" If my orchiectomy happens (my consultation is in early-August) and this mysterious chronic pain persists, I have no choice but to eat buckshot. I cannot take it anymore and this surgery is my last hope. These periods of intense pain have cost me a job, they have cost me social opportunities, and they have cost my family a fortune in American medical bills. Because of this, I feel horrifically guilty for constantly needing to go to the ER and having no diagnosis or treatment to show for it. While they are very understanding and thoroughly supportive, I cannot shake the intrusive thought that they are annoyed and think I am just being a hypochondriac.As I write this, I am stoned off my ass. I use cannabis to cope because I do not know what else to do. I am not enjoying this high right now either, because I am still in a fair amount of pain. The ER sometimes sends me home with prescriptions for opiates, but I have seen what those do to people and refuse to let myself use them, because I know I will become physically, and eventually psychologically, addicted to them. I do not use alcohol to cope either because it is also incredibly dangerous to rely on for chronic pain relief. I am 100% banking on this surgery. If this inexplicable pain returns post-recovery, I am not sure I will be able to take it any longer. If I were a cis man, I would have probably killed myself after three years of this. My orchiectomy is my last chance to live a pain-free life.",Suicidal +22806,it was crazy. i felt good. i felt ok. but now I am home. and its all come back. and i still just want to be dead. why cannot i get better got out of the mental hospital today,Suicidal +37262,RT @trilllizard666: i swear some you motherfuckers WANT people to be horrible racist rapist homophobic pedophiles after they die and you gi…,Suicidal +17716,"I hate telling people about it, you know. I do not want to burden them, then they try to help and i feel even worse. This all just does not make sense to me. How people want to wake up in the morning and keep going live another day.I start senior year soon. I do not know what to do. I never have, just wanted to die really. I have tried before but its scary and I have chickened out or gotten lucky and lived. People close to me only just now found out and they tied to help, i feel so bad i never wanted anyone to know but i let it slip on accident. Hope others are doing well Senior Year",Suicidal +13970,"WTF is this society? They judge you for every darn thing you do. You say something, you are rude, you do not say anything, you are arrogant. You do something nice, it are not enough, they do not do something for you, you are to blame cos you should not expect anything from others. Every move you make is looked through a microscope and if you make one mistake, people leave you. Where is humanity and place for soft-hearted people anymore? I am so done with this B.S. It is so darn depressing. Fu*k society",Suicidal +36936,"i'm tired of everything, pls so i want to die.",Suicidal +16012,"I do not know who I can talk to, or say anything regarding to to in person. I know that it is not right. I have been suffering for the past month, when me and my ex broke up and I came back to my home country as I had moved to be with her, I had hope we would be together again at some point etc, and seeing we were renting a place together I left her all of my money so she could afford the rent as alone she could never. So I did, however I have her bank account on my phone (did not anymore) because we shared it, so I kept getting notifications about deliveries, such as uber eats, deliveroo, just eat (fast food). My money was partially being used for this on a daily basis, over 100 pounds were used in under 5 days. I contested her about it she kept treating me like trash, and I demanded the money back with the promise that I would send her the money back when rent was due, atleast this way I knew it would be there for the reason it initially was. She ended up sending me the money, we talked a couple times and everytime we did she would rub on my face how much better she is now without me, how she is quote on quote ""living her best life"", and obviously sure this is fair but I do not want something rubbed on my face such as that when I am clearly suffering. The following day we talked again and I told her that I truly plan on killing myself, and whilst I was explaining why and how she messaged me her PayPal mid video call, to send her the money before I do so. Yesterday (17th) was the day I was supposed to give her the money back and I ended up not doing so, because I do not deserve to be treated like this, or atleast I do not. I was insulted by her on many different occasions, kept being told I am a horrible person and manipulative, she kept saying ""yea everyone said you would not send it back yet here I was thinking you would have some consideration in you"" , when well...I changed countries in december just to live with her, so I feel like she cannot contest that I care for her. Nonetheless yesterday our final message before she blocked me on a social platform was her telling me ""all the stuff you have on your instagram saying you hope we will get back together, and one day our paths will cross once more, forget about them because I will not allow myself to stoop so low for someone like you"" and that really hurt me, and although I feel like she will not ever come back, I did not want that to be said it that way. I was really hurt all day yesterday and had really awful dreams regarding this situation. I woke up and I heavily started considering, flying back to her country, murdering her and killing myself. I do not know what to do. I cannot exactly explain why this would be the right decisiona nd I am sure it is not however, it feels like for once she would understand even if for a second, how it is to be on the suffering side. Considering suicide and a crime",Suicidal +21610,Bye. I am trash I am going to kill myself right now.,Suicidal +21088,"I have taken all the pills, goodbye I am ready to g o",Suicidal +22478,"Sooooo, you can call me childish but I FUKING LOVE the trolls movie!!! Like, those movies are so fuking happy amd shit that i get happy too.I like the second one better . I discovered a thing and i need to share.",Suicidal +14745,"Zero feelings. Neither anger, nor love, nor sadness, nor desire, nor happiness. I am an empty she will lost to apathy. I can only feel disgust for myself: a woman who has nothing to offer to anyone. I wonder what is the point of living if I cannot just be human. If I cannot FEEL human.I walk around the room with chaos in my head and emptiness in my eyes. Eternal void",Suicidal +20235,"I want to tell my boyfriend I have been feeling passively suicidal. I am so scared he will freak out though and like call the cops or make me go to the hospital. I do not have a plan to kill myself, I just think about dying a lot. What do I do. please help me I feel so alone and like no one understands I need Advice.",Suicidal +9948,I am at the fucking end i can not and want not to live anymore. Sometimes i laugh and be happy but that is just for short times because i do not realise the sadness when i am fake happy but i constantly have suicidal thoughts and often they are very strong. I think and plan for the last few weeks and constantly search for a good way for suicide but i think my perfectionism and ocd is the only reason because i do not find a worthy way to die. I am the person that searches for help but then does not accept it. I do not know what i should do i just want to dissappear in peace. being happy is like borrowing happiness and paying with sadness,Suicidal +21524,"I find it hard to talk about this if I am honest and I do not want to just rant if I can help it. But I am at a point where I just feel worthless, I feel like my existence does not contribute in any way. I am 30 and still do not know what I am doing with my life. I have lost jobs and friends and feel completely alone.Truth is I just want to die. But I have had trouble committing to it. I attempted it once, but now lately I have been sort of reckless.Drinking, crossing the road without looking and other what others would consider reckless stupidity. But I cannot help it.I just do not want to be here.I am done. I just do not want to be here.",Suicidal +20727,"For context, due to trauma and mental illness, I have been unable to work for about six months.I am these six months I have found society really does not give a fuck about your mental stability and comfort if you cannot work. Care is difficult to access, you are constantly at risk of homelessness, it is difficult to get on disability and you are discouraged to even do so for the fact the SSI system is clearly broken and pays so little.Every single thing I have used to bring myself comfort costs more money than I can currently comprehend having as I am facing years of therapy and little to no income.A non shattered phone screen from a phone I repeatedly drop due to anxiety shakes and dissociative episodes? cannot afford it.Open up your laptop to write up some of your thoughts just go get them out? Your Microsoft office subscription has expired, because everything needs to be a continuing revenue stream to milk you dry.Want to watch Netflix? YouTube without ads that remind you about what you cannot afford and send you into a spiral? New shoes because you have one pair and it is been falling apart for the past year? Reup to your laser hair removal so you can look at yourself in the mirror crying. A new pair of underwear because you are somehow down to just three? Everything is too fucking expensive. And when you literally are taking no money in and facing not taking any money in for the foreseeable future, every single purchase seems like too much. Some days I do not eat because my bank account is too low and I cannot stand thinking about how it is going to feel when I am really hungry.TLDR; Money makes me anxious. Finances make me anxious. I want to fucking blow my brains out so I do not have to obsess over how fucking poor I am. Every time I see a news article about how rich Bezos is I want to puke. I just want to not cry about money while I am getting treatment. Everything has to cost money, and everything keeps costing money.",Suicidal +36915,"@caringcorbyn,im not okay lol ,i literally cant explain everything so much has happened i dont wanna be here anymore. wtf is even the point. i literally cant i want everything to be over. i cant breathe right because of how much im crying i cant do this anymore.",Suicidal +24156,"I want to just fall asleep and never wake up the whole world would just drift away and I would finally be happy, but I always wake up. Sleep",Suicidal +8829,"I have not been on this subreddit in over five months. I cannot believe that I was actually contemplating suicide. It used to be on my mind constantly. Now I am coming back to this sub to remind everyone that it really does get better. People used to tell me that all the time, and I would always think that they were spitting absolute bs to keep me on this god forsaken planet. But after experiencing recovery myself, I can say that it truly does get better. I still have very high anxiety and get panic attacks quite often, but I am way happier than I was back in the fall/winter months. I am motivated, smiling, and playing tennis like I used to. Things do not get better on their own. You need to be the one to push through your struggles and start your journey toward a better time in your life. Sure, you may need a little bit of help to get back on your feet, but I have learned that no form of therapy will ever work unless YOU are willing to change and get better.I am wishing only the best for all you guysI love you all <3 It gets better <3",Suicidal +15610,"Slowly detached from all love I once earned500 days straight now, isolated and spurnedA broken, blank slate with only death to turn-L.J. I sat and watched all my bridges burn",Suicidal +12205,"Loneliness, mental illnesses/disorders, no freedom at all only slavery pain diseases if i could live somewhere outside of this shitty world i will do Modern world is a disease",Suicidal +20447,"I have felt this way for a long time, I think about suicide for hours everyday. I cry 4+ times a day, everyday for years now. When I reach out to mental health they hang up on me. I have tried calling from other numbers and they still hang up on me. It feels like a sign that I am supposed to have no one to reach out to. I am not sure why I am on reddit writing this, I just need someone to talk to that is not a complete useless piece of shit. I am quite frustrated, I have wanted to die for awhile now. Activity Suicidal Since 5 Years Old",Suicidal +25782,"Some days, I would be doing okay. but desire to kill myself or thoughts always come back. Its like addiction. I cannot ever get away from this shit anymore. Always come back til i die. Wherever I go, I look for ways or weapons to kill myself. Trying to distract myself from these thoughts all day is tiring. My brain always goes back there. I just cannot run away from it. I just want to die. I am done. I cannot ever go back to where i was who i was. i was a happy kid. i always had good friends and people. I was happy but i do not know what happened to me. i cannot be who i was. I am no longer happy for anything. I cannot find interest or fun in anything. Nothing is fun. everyday, i am just trying not to kill myself. Tired all day. Not drinking makes me feel like shit and gives me headache. Drinking makes everything worse. I do not know what to do. My responsibilities do not go away. still trying to do things while thinking about dying. it is not working. I am done trying to get help from others. I know they do not want to hear shit or talk about this, i know they are tired of this me. I am tired of myself too. Everyone gives up on me, then why would i not do the same. Just want to go back who I was before all shit happened. If It is not possible, then i just want to die and disappear. Always comes back, never fully goes away",Suicidal +36287,i am 16 and hate myself so much i have very little friends an introvert never had a girlfriend been bullied a lot and rejected a lot please help me i want to kill myself it would make all this go away i dont deserve to be on this earth since i write notes on paper of how worthless and stupid i am i want to become someone in the it field but i am too stupid to get in there anyways and jobs nowadays need social people and i am not one of them ive never had a girlfriend before and i want to have one because being a virgin is a bad thing and i could never live with that feeling if i dont have any friends or a girlfriend wheni am an adult i plan on committing suicide can you please help me thanks for reading,Suicidal +7053,"A week ago I was fine. Now all my friends hate my guts, and I cannot go outside because I have fuckhbg Covid. If the virus does not kill me then I sure as hell will do its job for it My life has gone downhill so fast",Suicidal +8538,i literally cannot there is just too much happening in my life atm and i genuinely do not want to be here anymore that is why i take 6 painkillers to slowly wear out my insides I am just so fed up with everything and everyone i cannot do it anymore,Suicidal +18440,"It seems stupid to most people I am guessing, but I just removed all of my piercings and flushed them down the toilet. They gave me a sense of being more feminine.I think I am going to buzz my hair again, because it looks like shit anyways due to male pattern baldness. I am going to start getting rid of more of my furniture and give away some of the expensive things I bought. Maybe someone else enjoy them. I gave away my nice baking stuff already, and my GoPros. I just put stuff in the hallway with a free sign and its gone. I smashed my oled tv already, and my computer monitor. I need to figure out how I can get rid of the those now, I do not think I can just throw it in the trash.I have a date this Saturday that I want to bail on, but I am still going to go. I need to stop trying to meet people, its not like I can use someone else to try to be happier anyways. I always hear that you need to love yourself first before someone else will love you anyways. I kind of hope the date goes poorly, or she says she is not interested in seeing me more. That will really motivate me to take care of this problem I have.I do not think I am going to leave a note. I have written some before but there is nothing much to say.I think the nice thing about having epilepsy is that I do not have to OD on anything, I can just stop taking my medication and my body will take care of the rest. Piece by piece",Suicidal +16448,"it is finally going to happen. My mind cannot be changed. I just have one final piece arrangement to make. Should I leave a note for my family? Would they even care? Would it matter? Part of me wants to leave something behind so that in the event I am looked for, they will know what happened. Another part of me likes the idea of just ... disappearing. Unknown and unfound. A John Doe found in a park. Should I leave a note?",Suicidal +7481,"I am not a woman I am a man, I am mentally a male but physically a female. I have know this for years. I just cannot live anymore, every time I am referred to as a woman, she, as a her or someone is daughter. It just feels like my mental health and stability just deteriorates more and more, it makes me just want to jump off the edge. At this point just seeing my disgusting body and face just wants to make me end it all. I just feel so goddamning uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own body. I just wish i could finally live life as who i am, as a man. That i can finally be myself and stop wearing this mask around any and everyone. Id rather die than keep living as a woman",Suicidal +10634,"I wish I did not get attached. I am so creepy. I just left this person alone because clearly, they do not feel the same way..but it hurts a lot. I cannot stop thinking about it Got attached to someone and I cannot deal with the feelings",Suicidal +14522,"If anyone is willing to share, feel free to do so. Could be break ups, losing loved ones, injuries, anything whatsoever. I had 2 things happen to me recently that on top of my depression, has completely broken me down and made me decide its time to be gone.Those 2 things are seeing the heavy majority of people I know in high school living great lives by going on social media and searching them up. The second is losing all of my money in the stock market to the point of no return. Which I believe was due to me already being suicidal, and wanting extra motivation to just end it at all. What is something that happened to you recently that made you incredibly depressed?",Suicidal +16046,"I do not know what to do anymore.My suicide date was supposed to be July 14. What stopped me from walking into that room and pulling the trigger? Absolutely nothing. So why did not I? I have torn myself apart trying to find the reason why, but I do not know. I just self-harmed 40ish minutes ago, and for what? The only result I get from it is ugly marks and having to waste my time stopping the bleeding because I do not have any bandages, even though my mom is a nurse and bandages are so accessible?I am supposed to go to the beach on Tuesday, and I am terrified. I have scars on my leg and my entire family will see. Ill probably get into another argument with my mom. Its not like she cares, anyways. My family does not care about me at all, my friends hate me, I cannot control my emotions, everything is so difficult. And for what? Why cannot everything be easier? Why does the world have to be so toxic?I am sorry for my rant, I just do not know what to do. I just wish things would end. I want to end it. Please. Its getting worse.",Suicidal +9575,"I have literally no skills. I cannot do any of my hobbies well and people literally try not to laugh when they see how shit I am at drawing or how fucking embarrassingly shit I am at sewing or the video games I like. Fuck, I literally cannot even stand up for myself or speak up for myself. I have been in therapy for years and I am still the worlds most passive, non confrontational person and literally no matter what I do I get hurt worse and worse every time I try to work at it. And if I do not work at it I get badly burned too. I do not have anyone that is super close to me and literally always feel lonely. No medication has helped me and no therapy either. I would love for someone to shoot me in the head and stop me from being a fucking waste of space. I am literally evidence of it being possible to be a lost because. I am terrible at literally everything in life. I want to die so badly.",Suicidal +26888,"Life is hard enough right now. The holidays make it much, much worse. Definitely feel much more isolated and depressed and suicidal today. Having to go to work tonight and hear about everyone is great holiday is not going to help. I want my life to be over with already. I have had enough. Holidays are the worst!!",Suicidal +7879,"For 1 and a half years i got an array of health complications including hair loss/ brow loss. Went to get my test results for my cortisol/testosterone and thyroid which all came back normal. I am lost as whatever i was facing signified a health issue. Got referred to the best dermatologist in my country, but i have to wait 6 months, Just to get an appointment with him. My life is just ebbing away due to this various complications which affect my confidence and having my self esteem plummeting to god knows where. Accompanied with my suicidal thoughts from this whole mess which seems never-ending. I can barely look at others in the eye in these days as my brows are so sparse and i would stare at the ground whenever someone near talks to me. Just when i thought i was given a chance to bloom, i wither once again but this time i hope it shall encase my grave with the petals of my former self as remembrance of the times where hope still sufficed. I cannot take this shit anymore 17M",Suicidal +9907,"Ill preface this by saying: I have seen numerous psychiatrists, therapists, G.P.s, and have been through the wringer with my family doctor throwing anti-depressant/anti-anxiolytic prescriptions at me to see what sticks. Everything still feels the same no matter what med, new routine, holistic solution, etc. I am exhausted of living. So, in March of 2020, I attempted suicide. I lived alone in a nice apartment; I locked the door to my suite, flipped the security latch, taped a handwritten DNR sign in my living room, locked the door, and I took an uncountable amount of Clobazam (not Clonazepam, different drug), 100 Gravol pills, and at least 50 nighttime Benadryl pills. I got into bed and listened to Strict Machine by Goldfrapp. Then, a feeling Id never felt before I was done. I felt like Id finished life. It was so soothing. It also could have been the effects of the massive quantity of pills I took. My then-girlfriend called me, and we have a fine conversation. This is where I black out. She tells me days after my failed suicide attempt what happened. I was completely coherent, and then just stopped talking. This is when I passed out. Long story short (too late), I wake up two days later in intensive care. Tube in my throat to regulate breathing. Catheter definitely in. Guess my DNR did not work. My parents (who live four hours away) are sitting around me as I come to. Fast forward, I convince everyone I am not crazy and they say maybe you should go to our psych ward and I said no, I will get better care when I move back to the city. (I was living in a small city at the time). I get back to my apartment. My parents stay with me. COVID breaks out. A post-grad program I am studying announces that classes are over. I move back to the big city in my parents basement. My degree is mailed to me. I keep having the same conversations with people. I keep doing the wrong things. I continue to comply with the Ministry of Transportation to get my drivers license back. They keep sending me different forms to get my doctor to sign. My depression/anxiety stays the same. Covid has made the world weird for years just days after my suicide attempt. Am in purgatory? So much violence, greed, and narcissism in the world like I have never seen before. Every day I work my jobs, but money just comes and goes if Id never even made anything. Same conversations, ad nauseam. Am in hell? Am I in Sartres No Exit? Most days, I think I am in purgatory. Am I in purgatory? Am I in purgatory? (Trigger Warning)",Suicidal +26789,I am 17 and a very severe alcoholic relapsed on my no drinking again. I am also schizoaffective and on a shit ton of antidepressants antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. I am so fucking tried of my shit life. Not once in my whole life my parents ever told me they loved me that they are proud of me or even hugged me. I feel so unwanted in this world i would kill to just have ANYBODY tell me they love or i matter to them at this point. I probably will not even make it past my late 20s if i do not kill myself with alchohol and meds. I just want to feel loved i just want to feel like i matter but evidently that is to much to ask from this world. I am 17 and probably going to drink myself to death.,Suicidal +37118,@WarcraftDevs can u do something about demo holy fucking SHIT its been months without ANYTHING done do u not reali… https://t.co/g4m6reGxUg,Suicidal +8432,"I am now on vacation, so I am not going to commit suicide until july 30th. But idk what to do when I am home. I have a plan. First I am going to drink a lot of alcohol and then swallow a bunch of pills. I am so doneI hate everything, OCD, anxiety, depression and especially PTSD Tw- I am so tired",Suicidal +14675,"I am not just looking for sympathy. I am not being childish. It would be really easy. I can just drive out, park alongside the train tracks and do it. The fence is really easy to get through. Then you would know how wrong you are. I should just jump in front of a train tonight to spite you",Suicidal +10531,"Frankly people that ask me to do shit are the fucking worst. I did not even ask to be here to begin with, so leave me the fuck alone and just be glad I am alive.My friend of the muslim faith was telling me how suicide is stupid, and what the punishment is if I do it... and just frankly, it is just fucking awful. Why is God considered ""merciful"", yet he ""gifts"" you with crippling autism, basically STOPPING me from doing anything remotely useful and being a fucking wreck, and if you kill yourself, you get fucking punished to eternal damnation. that is like, the opposite of merciful. ""do not be selfish""",Suicidal +13524,You remember when the asshole dudes or girls in middle school would dare their friend to ask you out as a joke to embarrass you? That still happens to me at 18. And I graduated highschool. Happened to me again a few weeks ago. Each time it happens it just confirms again that I am unlovable and need to just die. Not only is it embarrassing but also destroys any self esteem I may have. I would rather just not be here. I am 18 and still get fake asked out,Suicidal +14311,I am starting to do self harm again. I even bought a small cutter so when i feel stressed i can do self harm. If I cannot die then self harm should be enough for now. Self harm,Suicidal +17722,"just let me die, let me rot in hell Another Friday night, drinking again, hoping I just fucking die",Suicidal +17685,i do not want to actually kill myself but i just wish i was never born you know i wish i was unconscious like how it was before i was born idk I am only sixteen and i have a good enough life so i feel bad for feeling like this but idk i just wish i did not have to keep living its so exhausting constantly hating myself i hate myself and wish i never existed,Suicidal +16510,it is a lot more easier for people to cry at someone is funeral than it is to ask them how it is going every once in a while. Imagine if they would answer with anything but a standard 'I am fine'. No one wants to hear about your loneliness or existential dread. I just realised something,Suicidal +26243,"I hate everything. My life is shit. I cannot stop crying. I do not have many people. The ones I do have do not understand the depth of my sadness. They just give me advice, even when I tell them, ""I just need you to be there"". Their advice hurts more. I cannot do this anymore. Nothing good ever happens to me or people I love. Life is just pain. One bad thing after another. I cannot take it. I wish I did not have dreams because at least then I would not feel the pressure of having achieve them and I could just die. Hope is a burden.I have tried. A lot. With all my heart. All that spirituality and law of attraction bullshit. Nothing seems to be working. All it did was make me hate ""God"" more. I hate the world. it is so fucked up. Why should I live in a world where so many people have such amazing lives and others just have to suffer? I am so tired. I hate humans. I hate myself too, not completely but for the most part. Sorry my writing sucks I feel like shit right now. I just want to give up",Suicidal +25544,"I used to be able to sleep fine when it was not as bad but now its like I am suddenly constantly awake every night staring at my ceiling because the all the depression and stress make it impossible to sleep, I cannot even do anything to pass the time because everything is so boring and bland and flavourless to me and I cannot text anyone because I have no friends, the only way I can get a little bit of sleep is if I take strong sleeping pills which basically just feel like I am being drugged to sleep. I dread the mornings but I dread having to sit up all night even more. I cannot even sleep anymore",Suicidal +18709,"My mom is judgmental, cruel, and mentally abusive. Every conversation is like walking on eggshells, it always ends in some sort of dispute. My dads never home, works 18hrs a day 6 days a week. I am loosing all my friends, I do not talk to them anymore. Interaction is just too tiring. I hate school. Breaks too short. I hate it so much, it just increases the stress in me and my mothers relationship. And were going back soon. I do not know how to do it, I do not have any rope or a weapon, and I am afraid of pain. I want to though. I cannot anymore",Suicidal +18166,"i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i do not want to breathe or exist or live anymore. i do not want to be here anymore. i cannot make myself kill myself, i cannot get myself to do it. I am tired. I am so so tired. I am exhausted. i want to go. I am sick of waking up. I am sick of needing to exist. I am sick of living. i was hoping I would get a fatal allergic reaction from the vaccine but i did not even get any side effect. here is to hoping the second dose can magically kill me. maybe a fatal car accident. maybe dying in my sleep. maybe getting stabbed. something fatal. anything and anyone that can kill me. i want death a tired person",Suicidal +23027,One of my friends friends are commiting suicide? Advice greatly appreciated Advice?,Suicidal +37205,RT @memorymess: Pain! it’s just like fire & memories are the alcohol that increases its flare. Have you ever felt the crack of your broken…,Suicidal +11834,"Alot of noise in my head, alot of people rejecting me for reasons and for no reasons, feel stuck where iam and I cannot escape. What else better than disappear? Feeling that I am going to disappear makes me feel good",Suicidal +27170,"I have been destroying myself over the past few years. Destroying my own body, mind and reputation. Distancing myself from everyone and everything I love. I do not have any dreams or hope. The trauma, low self esteem, anxiety and depression are slowly eating me alive.I am a disappointment to my family, friends and myself.I do not have any reason to live anymore.I just want to die, that is the easiest way out of this mess. My 17th birthday is next week and I sure hope to finally be brave enough to just end it all. I am tired of everything",Suicidal +16097,"I had rough couple of years. After my grandmother died, my mother kind of had a mental break and her abuse escalated. It was terrible for years, constant yelled and violence. My grandfather started drinking and fell deep in alcoholism. There was a lot of violence and drinking going on for a long time. We had no money. I lost all my friends. We eventually got kicked out and had to move. A year or so ago, we almost got evicted. It was the worse time of my life. Today, everything is... okay, but I have lost all sense of self. I graduated a month or so ago. I got a job. I am going to college in a month. My mother's on meds, she is calmed down. But something within me is wrong, everyday I think about killing myself. it is not even a choice at this point, the thoughts just come to me. I think I am lonely. I could not sleep for awhile, the thoughts just creeped in. My new job has me nannying for a week at a time, I sleep there the entire week and come back to my mother's house for the weekend. I have been back one day and I am already going mad. While I was at work, I only felt this way once or twice just for the first day or so. I do not know why I feel this way when everything I have cried my self to sleep over as come. For the first time a long time I am okay, but I still want to just lay down and go away. I think about what I would write, if I would write anything. How they will find my body. Whether or not, my Grandfather will remember me. What questions the kids I work with will ask. I imagine myself as a memory. Thoughts of me hurting myself just flood in. I used to be someone. I was so strong, I knew what I wanted. I had hope, but now my hope has gone. I do not know who I am anymore, I do not recognize the person in the mirror. This is the best my life has been in years, but I cannot help but want to end it all.",Suicidal +19655,"I found my cat a good home, it fucking hurts, the house feels full of silence and white noise now. everything is slipping away from me, I am losing my grip on reality and all of my relationships feel like they never existed One step closer",Suicidal +36559,I’m a fucking lunatic when I get angry it’s so terrible I need to work on this so bad before I end up doing somethi… https://t.co/13FuEpPVue,Suicidal +36839,"RT @darkles_sparkle: @GameOfThrones ""My name is Arya Stark. I want you to know that. The last thing you’re ever going to see is a Stark smi…",Suicidal +9256,"I have lot of problems with mental illness, and I have been through a lot of trauma. The work it would take to function like a normal person, and the fact that I would have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life, is just too monumental a task for me. And life overall seems miserable anyway, so why bother getting better? Nobody's ever been able to convince me that it is worth the time and effort or that I am worth anything at all. And so I have realized that that is the core problem. If someone could give me real reasons to get better maybe I would be willing to try again. And I am curious as to what those reasons would be, so I am thinking maybe I will try to call a hotline or something and see what they say if I even manage to get an operator on the line. But I am pretty confident in my reasoning skills, if nothing else, and I doubt that anyone is going to say anything I have not already heard before. Nobody has managed to convince me",Suicidal +36833,"RT @hanniepower: Today, one year ago, I lost a neighbour, and friend, to #suicide. So here is a quote that got me through my worst times. F…",Suicidal +17100,"Hi. Thanks for reading this. I am 21F. I just failed my first year of college because I missed too many assignments. It was the result of a mixture of things including learning being entirely online and my lack of motivation. I had a meeting with an advisor who asked me flat out, ""is this the right life path for you right now?"" to which I replied, ""I do not know but I do not have a choice either way."" To explain, before I came to university halls I lived with my parents in a one bedroom apartment. I slept in their living room for a year after I had to drop out of college the first time. This is my second stab at it. I know they say third time's the charm but this is getting ridiculous now. I dropped out the first time for mental health issues. I have failed this year for the same reason. I knew I probably was not ready for university yet, but all I could think about was getting out of my parents' house. It was the easiest route to take in order for that to happen. My mother's a hoarder, and both of my parents are emotionally unavailable and have a history of being abusive.Living alone, I fair much, much better mentally but still not at a functioning level. If I am dysfunctional living alone, then living with my parents I am actively suicidal. I have attempted before under their roof. I could not even tell them about it. I called the ambulance myself and left in it without them even waking up. I have had friends' parents pick me up off of overpasses and asking me ""why are not your parents out looking for you?""The thing is the dream of getting away from abuse is not all rosy. Once you are away from it, you need to know how to function and I cannot do that. I do not think I am good enough at anything to do a degree in anything. I have tried three different fields. I hate myself to my absolute core. I hate my apathy regarding my life and everything around me. I hate my laziness and my seemingly inability to just be a responsible adult. I feel like a child. I do not feel like I ever had the opportunity to be a kid in my abusive household and now I have to fend for myself like I have been doing my whole life. I am tired. I just want it to stop. My situation rn is dire. My bank balance is in the negatives and by the end of the month I will have nowhere to live. I have applied for jobs and am hoping to hear back. Financial benefits even if I did qualify for them will not even cover the rent in the area where I live. I do not know what to do. It is looking likely I will have to move back home temporarily for two months (and know full well I will be actively suicidal for that time) and then try to repeat the year.My advisor is worried this is not the right life path for me, but I do not have the money to live alone right now outside of studying. I am relying heavily on my student loan which will be paid in September to get me by. I am an idiot so do not have savings. I have been disassociated for days and just feel trapped. I wish I was just good enough to do this degree and be responsible. I wish I could take care of myself. I am a bad person and I have hurt so many people so I do not even have any friends right now besides my best friend. I deserve to die. I have nothing to live for. There is not hope. I wish I could just have help and I guess for most people that comes from their parents but I just cannot. I do not have that. I am 21 and need to fend for myself and I cannot even do that properly.I do not know what I enjoy or what I am good at which makes making any decision impossible. it is why school was great for me. I got told what to do. Ever since I left, I have had absolutely no clue what to do with my life. I know it sounds stupid but it is so scary being an adult and I do not know how to do it. I turned 21 just this month and I do not feel any older than 17. I am not sure how to move forward. I do not expect anyone to know either. I guess I am just looking for support. I do not know how I can go on.Thanks for reading. 21F college student at a loss of how to move forward",Suicidal +23778,"i have money saved for this, but every time i have to spend hundreds of dollars all at once just to be healthy and sane i feel like its not even worth it to liveif i spend all my life working to make this money and its all taken away in a second just because i have mental and physical health problems. not to mention the job that i work to make that money exacerbating my problemswhats the point. I am just rolling a boulder that will crush me flat. everything i work for and earn will be taken from me in the end by people who do nothing but sit there and only think about how to make more money off of the little people like me. a penny to them, my life savings to mei want to quit everything medical bills make me want to die",Suicidal +23275,"I am in a lot of pain right now. Almost killed myself but I decided not to and called a friend.I say so many stupid things. So many horrible things happen to me...I cannot. Like I just cannot describe it right now.God seems cruel to me. He allows me to constantly suffer because of some big plan that is supposed to glorify him--so he is just allowing me to suffer for an ego boost? Is that what it is?Why does my car have to break down out of nowhere? Why do I have to feel constantly lonely all the time, like there is this barrier between me and everyone else? Why do I have to work at a miserable job just so I can eat and live? Why does the Bible say even *thinking* about sex is a sin but then God gives me all this sexual desire and make it impossible for me to find love? Why do I have to wake up every day, wanting to kill myself, only to force myself to move on and bear this horrible, horrible pain? cannot things just get better? For once?I am sorry if I sound incoherent. I just cannot think straight right now. Why should I keep living?",Suicidal +24751,"Yeah. Family. My parent treat me so bad. I do not know how long I can handle it. Maybe one day ill just jump out of the window or kill myself with the scout knife. My mom always tells me, you are just a piece of shit,i hope someone would like to adopt you. My small sister can do whatever she want. Punch me,tell me that I am disgusting. My parent will not stop her. They always say, ""oh she is just a little kid. let her have fun"". Yeah, and I am getting enough of that. My dad is not nice either. Opens my door while I am changing clothes just to see what I am doing. Get in my room at 12 pm also just to see what I am doing. I basiclly have no privacy. My parents are them who alway pushes me to my limited between being alive and kill youself. I am just tierd and my mental health just get worse and worse. They ""cared"" about me when my teacher called them that I self harm and after that they just forgot it. They do not care about me. They care about my grades. I am a decent student,trying my best but do not get alot of A's. and they are very unhappy about that. Fuck life. My family is killing me",Suicidal +8048,"I started a new job on monday, leaving my parents alone on the family businness because i had consant conflict with themI feel bad now, plus i feel like i can never be usefull in my new job....i restarted to have suicide toughts, i just do not want to search for another job and i do not want to stick in this one...If it does not get better i will probably go to thorw myself off a bridge in the weekend Hopeless",Suicidal +8724,"And that is why I struggle so hard to talk about my intense suicidal thoughts. The person is always going to try to help me. But there is nothing you can do, and that just worsen things. I just want to end things right now, and that does not matter if I am still young. I have no future. there is nothing you can do for me",Suicidal +10412,"I m 42 and somehow still hanging on to life. it is fucked up. I m old enough now to have seen a few friends die. Friends who wanted to live... Cancer and car crashes. And I think ""what gives universe? If I have another 30 years alloted to me why not do everyone a favour and give them to one of these nice people who are enjoying life""But no. The happy die sooner than they d like, and the miserable keep trudging on. Cancer and car crashes are never where they are needed",Suicidal +26368,"it is very difficult with so many people in the house. Yet I am certain in my belief that this is the thing to do. I do not want to trudge through a boring meaningless life. I have no friends, everything is really a mundane mess. There are two principle means through which this end goal could be achieved . Either through hanging which I would not do unless I was certain that whatever contraption I had constructed would work in the intended manner, or else driving my car in to a body of water, the nearby river would do the trick.Hanging seems to appeal more to me, the latter seems to be quite a terrifying thing to attempt. Although it would eliminate the chance of chickening out, and if it achieved the same end goal then a few minutes of panicking should not be the dealbreaker.I am a huge loser. The must frustrating thing is that there are small things that could have been changed at 13-14 which would have completely changed the trajectory of this life. I am not depressed, I have just come to the conclusion that the continuation of my life would be a fruitless endeavor and I see no point in continuing as it will just become more and more pathetic. I am 20 years of age and a huge loser.People are always recommending things like Therapy, and some people(on the internet only ,nobody IRL would even suspect I am at this stage) have recommended medication. The problem is, that these things make sense if there is something worth salvaging. Someone can become a complete mess at 20, for several years on drugs for instance, but recover. That is the case if they are built on a firm foundation, there is no foundation and the entire structure is rotten. From the age of 13-14 my life stood at a juncture, I did not realize it at the time. think I am going to do it in the next few days",Suicidal +26628,"I feel like I have been losing support recently, and I take that as a sign that I should stop resisting suicide.I talk a lot on a mental health support forum. It seems whenever I talk about my ""break-up"" (almost relationship), I do not get a very good response.I self-harmed the other day, after being unusually upset about seeing my ex. I said:>If I got any worse, plan was to call an ambulance to the store, but there was no-one at work that I trusted.This guy said:>So next time you are triggered by seeing your ex, what is ""your plan"" for dealing with it in a healthy way instead?Another person suggested that I was not actually dehydrated, it was just psychological stress. Kind of hard to believe.He said that I am responsible for my own reactions, and that I should not call her ""my ex"". He apparently calls his own ex ""the mother of my children.""I feel like people cannot imagine what I have been going through. I have never been in a real relationship before. No-one who tries to help me can understand what that is like.I am so much more hopeless than even people who have committed suicide... so why would I fight it?TLDR: Title. When did you stop talking about your thoughts?",Suicidal +7065,I do not know what my purpose is on this planet. No idea what I want to do in terms of a job. I feel no passions or have any kind of dream i wish to chase. It makes my life and existents almost feel pointlessWhat am I actually here for. what is the point in living 80 or more years unhappy. I just want to not exist but that is not possible without serious repercussions Just wanted to rant and see if I was the only one. Struggling to understand a purpose,Suicidal +13063,"I have attempted a countless number of times. My first moment of ever thinking about ending my own life, I was in 3rd grade--about 8 or so. And before that I just felt extreme anxiety. I have never gotten a real chance to know how life is without mental illness. I have been on medication and therapy for yearrsss, tried and done lifestyle changes to the best of my ability. I have felt suicidal for weeks straight and it occupies my thoughts. At work, running arrands, talking to the few friends and connections I have somehow managed to make through my phone--all the time.I can only miraculously talk myself down from suicide so many times. I just do not want to go to another mental hospital, have my freedoms stripped away, just to hear some of the same ""it gets better"" ""color when you are triggered"" bs over and over--then get some massive bill. I can basically predict EXACTLY what a typical hotline will say and respond at this point. I am done telling people around me that I am suicidal when there is not shit they can do that they would be willing to do anyway. I will not have to deal with their guilt and ""helplessness"" in my suffering once I am dead. I have never known life without anxiety or depression",Suicidal +24022,"its late, its been a difficult few months and i just need someone to talk to and listen. I am not planning anything i just need to go to sleep before those thoughts come back. that is all. could i please talk to someone?",Suicidal +25372,It honestly seems as the only thing that can be done now.The family will understand. The only way to claim my life,Suicidal +10682,"If I did not wake up tomorrow, no one would careLife sucks. I work hard 5-6 days a week. I have had a lot of anxieties since I was a child and never had many friends growing up because maybe people thought I was weird for being so shy and timid due to all my anxieties. My home was very hard growing up. My dad was hardly home either working or at a bar coming home very late and drunk. My mom used me as a dependent and still does which is exhausting. Keep in mind I am (33 f) years old. My family bullied me physically and emotionally growing up. Calling me all kinds of names and that I could not ever do anything. I have had very little friends and have been hurt by friends and even family down the road. It is almost impossible for me to trust people. I feel so unloved and so Insignificant and small. Every time I have always tried to do the right thing or do good, something has always come my way to destroy it. I cannot even look forward to anything anymore because I do not trust anything good will happen. I have gotten so used to things crumbling in front of me. I wake up most days angry at the fact that I woke up and that I want to end my life but am too much of a coward to do so. I guess I just need to finally bite the bullet and do it...... that is all folks It would not matter if I did not wake up tomorrow!",Suicidal +10000,"half 2, ik wil mn brein uit mn kop schieten en niks meer voelende laatste dagen is een achtbaan van een top die ik nog nooit heb gevoeld naar een dieptepunt waar ik hoopte nooit meer te komenik wil nu op mn fiets stappen, donker of niet, ik wil op mn bankje zitten voor de laatste nog even kijken naar dat mooie uitzicht, en dan niks. ik wil dat het dan ophoud, ik weet uit elke positieve dag nog wel iets negatiefs te halen waardoor ik gelijk kan veranderen van stemming. mensen hebben het veel erger dan mij en nogsteeds klaag ik dat ik dood wil omdat ik zo mentaal zwak ben. als ik dat dan ook ben, prima, eentje minder die misschien door een familie word gemist, maar voor de wereld. er veranderd niks ik ben een micro stipje. laat me gewoon niks meer voelen. ook niet geluk, ik wil dat nooit meer proeven. ik zal elke dag dan met de angst leven om het te verliezen. sorry opie dat ik de eerste ben die van de trein afstapt... maar ik heb mijn eindstation bereikt... ik kan gewoon niet meer zo leven. dit is geen fucking impuls, geen fucking therapie heeft mij ECHT geholpen. klote pilletjes waar ik NIKS van voel of alleen maar mij vlak maakt. de gesprekken heb ik alleen maar zodat ik ook maar aan iemand mn gedachtes kwijt kan. een schreeuw voor hulp. iemand die deze kanker uit mijn brein kan halen. maar ik ben bang of voel dat dat gewoon niet voor mij is opgelegd. bang dat als ik iets mooi vind, het kwijt of kapot te maken.. en als ik depressief ben, weet verdomme dan voel ik nog iets. gewoon iets. ik lang voor die kogel die gewoon zegt, hou je bek, wees stil, voor hoelang, weet ik veel, waarnaartoe, zoveel mensen hebben ideen erover. ik wil gewoon dat het klaar is. was ik altijd bestemd of te falen. Ciao",Suicidal +11855,"I am a failure. I failed my mom, I failed my dad, I failed the girl I liked and most importantly I failed myself. I use to be in this sub to understand others, maybe I will build some empathy and love myself more or at least forgive myself for my mistakes. I have always tried to do good, I swear. But life keeps fucking me in the ass with no lube. I try to act normal, go out with friends, work harder, learn new things but I feel everything is just an act. I still feel empty, with no clear path to follow. I am just a tragedy. I never noticed it but all the signals were always there. there is no time during the day or night I feel painless. I am really trying but fuck man it is as if God or idk who the fuck is in charge (assuming there is someone) is just making fun of me, making my struggles bigger day by day. I am young, in less than a year I would have graduated from a top tier uni and hopefully things will improve. But is not the prospect of a better life that keeps me from harming myself. But that of my family, friends and her. Most of them do not even know what is going on. The ones who know kind of understand and tell me that it will make me stronger. Thing is, I am so tired of being strong. I am just weak and pathetic. The idea of doing it keeps popping in my head, but I will keep fighting. If I decide that is is not worth the fight anymore, that I want to be a coward and do not care about my love ones. Here is the proof that I do. I care more about them than I care about me. I will give my life for all of them. There is NO escape",Suicidal +11239,"have not talked to anyone in weeks. Need someone just to chat. I want to really talk to someone, the people in my life are afterthoughts (both ways as I have shelled myself to the point they just disregarded me, friends and family alike) so honestly just want to meet someone. Talk for a while, tell me why you are on this sub Reddit. I am a good listener, I just want to be there for someone. Maybe that way Ill find someone who will be there for me who knows. Looking for anyone to talk",Suicidal +8856,"I am so tired of the pain, and knowing that the only reason I am still alive is so that i do not hurt others is not making it any easier.I got a job i like, friends and a girlfriend i go to therapy but still i spend soo much of my time wishing i was not here anymore.When is it ok to just give up? because I am running out of energi too keep fighting. i cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +16733,"I am kind of at a loss, and I apologize if my behavior is coming across as self-victimizing or attention-seeking. To begin, I just do not think its worth it anymore. I have made consistent efforts to work on myself, and it has never had any payoff. I long for companionship and emotional security, but every time I enter into a relationship, my partner eventually falls out of love with me, no matter how confident or assertive or forthright I try to be.I am failing academically, I hate my job, I have so much debt with dental bills and orthodontic bills that I have no money to do anything with my life, and my partner has been increasingly abusive towards me. It only ever feels like pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. I am tired of it! I fear a breakup is coming, and I just do not want to be lonely again. I am never happy or fulfilled with my own company. In saying that, I understand that I am young (21) and I will do my best to give my future the benefit of the doubt for the time being, I have a loving family who would be really hurt by my decision, but they are not going to be around forever, which just makes things worse. I am miserable and frankly, I really do not know what to do at this point.I am crying out for help because I could really use some wisdom or advice right now. My thought process has just been really negative for a long time, and I see myself being bitter, angry and constantly upset. I did not use to be like this, but I have no idea how to restore my once positive attitude about life. My life is deeply unfulfilling and unsatisfying, and if things remain the same, I think I will end it in a few years",Suicidal +7143,"I recently found this subreddit and a lot of these posts are so relatable. there is so much things I can talk about.My friends distanced away from me due to my constant talks about it.I feel despair when I want to but I cannot. I cannot because I am unsure about the method. I want the method to be painless.I cannot since Id hurt my family. I want to end my life this winter, but a friend starts bashing me. Calling me to stop playing the victim and associates my suicide as an act of displaying ego. This happened last night, and in a few hours, I wanted to end my life and call 911. I chose not to call them since idk if mine was serious enough. I just really wanted to end my life but I did not have any tools to do so. I did not call since I work everyday and I do not want to lose this job. Its so hard to get hired nowadays. I hate not able to sleep at night. My friends are not equipped to listen or comfort me. I do not have access to therapy. I plan to go to therapy once I start school again. College student btw. I hate feeling alone and worthless. Laying there while I am too afraid to kill myself Unsure about the method and other things (long writing warning)",Suicidal +26687,"I need advice on How To Do it I meanI've bought rope, I have found a tree, I am going to get absolutely fuckedIs there anything that will make this process easier on me like? Physically?Obviously I am expecting pain and discomfort but it is not like I want to me tortured, like I want to be here, and then be gone in a short amount of timeIs there any better way to do this?I do not want something gruesome that would like, properly fuck up the person who found me tho Life sucks lmao",Suicidal +26796,"I constantly think about killing myself just to know what people would do afterwards, even though Id be dead and not there to see it. Who would come to my funeral, who would cry. Would the people who claim to be my friends care? Or would my death be as insignificant to them as my life was. I keep a list of everyone I know and whether or not I think they would show up to my funeral. With my close friends I even have them ranked based on how much I think they would care. I want to die just to watch what happens",Suicidal +22488,"let us see if we can get to 72, probably can. My anger fuels me, fuck I hate being alive. Have not eaten anything in over 48 hours",Suicidal +15528,cannot.even vent i have a 20 million tons anchor weight Everyfhing is bad in all the ways it could be bad please read these words and feel it feel how tieed i am I am tired,Suicidal +12804,"This is not living its existing and I cannot stand it, I cannot stand waking and feeling anxious and trying to go back to sleep and being so very muddled and confused and just getting more worked up. I want my life back or I want no life at all. Please please please make this stop please I cannot do this everyday, every single day, I am just dragging myself through them.",Suicidal +16105,"Then maybe they would give a shit. Maybe they would take me seriously. Maybe mom would care. Instead I live life like I am just some paranoid bitch constantly threatened with shit that I know he could do any moment but that he does not, just so I always look like the liar. I do not know what the point is anymore. I hate everyone. The church has ruined my fucking faith. I want to tell dad I am a lesbian just so hell kick me out, just so hell try to kill me just so that he and mom and everyone else will quit the fucking act and stop making me think that they care, I have had everything easy when I do not fucking deserve it. There is no fucking point. Tell me to fucking end myself I wish that he would have just assaulted me",Suicidal +10801, let me know especially if you have ordered from the UK because I am worried about wasting my money or having it stopped at customs or something stupid Any information or other recommendations for ordering from the UK would be extremely helpful thanks in advance Has anyone bought sodium nitrite from this source and did it arrive with no problems?,Suicidal +25903,So I am 17 I am from the USA currently I am struggling with trying to quit alchohol. I am also schizoaffective and on a bunch of antidepressants antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. My parents have never once in my whole life ever told me they loved me hugged me anything like that. And i have been manipulated so many times by people because i am desperate to be loved by someone. I just want to be told i matter i feel like even if i quit alchohol il just die in my 20s. My face is super red from alchohol and i honest to god feel terrible. I just feel desperate at this point i cannot even love myself because i have been manipulated so many time's. I feel like if i continue this world will just have nothing but more trauma for me. I am 17 a severe alcoholic and i have never been told i love you.,Suicidal +23767,"My life sucks, i fail at everything, I am 23. I want to go, just want to make sure if diesel engine exhaust fumes (carbon monoxide) would do the job (audi a6 1994 2.5 tdi). i want my attempt to be successful. do not really want to share or anything, just a clear answer. because I have heard mostly about petrol engines. I am done with everything, been feeling like this since age of 14. nothing ever gets better for me. I quit my job today",Suicidal +12886,"I am so sick of feeling like this. Why cannot I get myself to commit suicide? It would be so much easier if I knew no one would miss me I just want to stop hurting without hurting anyone else, I just want a hug Loneliness is so soul crushing",Suicidal +24978,"my name is june.I have struggled with depression and social anxiety since i was 10 and i have only gotten worse.i was exposed to the internet when i was 4. i learned, well, just about everything i know now.just after i was diagnosed with a learning disorder, my depression and social anxiety were diagnosed. i now struggle with severe social anxiety and depression.i have had 2 friends that i have had for 2 years until earlier this year.they were assholes. I am glad i left them.in may i was admitted into a special ed school. i am being forced into attending their summer camp for the following week.it is terrible. it has only been one day of it and i can tell i will not make it out.i only have 1 friend. it is an online friend.my family could never know. I would have the only person i can trust taken away from me.i struggle with suicidal thoughts. i have wanted to die since i turned 11. i hatched a plan to do it in october, but never was able to.i want to die.the only things keeping me alive are my friend and genshin impact. if i lose my friend, it will fall apart. it is all too loud. the yelling, the banging, the screaming...it is everywhere. the house is too loud. i want everyone to shut up. but the family could never understand it.i came out as a non binary omnisexual to my parents in early 2021.i felt as i was being made fun of by them. they never ended up using the correct pronouns for me. they try, but it never actually happensi want to kill myself. i cannot tell anyone else.tl;dr: non binary kid rants abt their life and how they want to kts I am at my lowest point",Suicidal +11655,"Seriously, Idk if ppl are dumb or if they are too listless to understand others problems. So let us go: being an adult does not solve anyones problems. Do you all really think that being 18+ solves ppls problems ? Plot twist: IT does not! If the person was a difficult kid, a difficult teen, what makes you think that adulthood would bring solutions ? that is pathetic. Ppl like me that grew up in poverty for years are supposed to magically have a nice life after being 18 ? Ppl are too fucking naive. I hate my life and I will always do unless it becomes better. Adulthood does not solve anyones problems. Stop with this shit.",Suicidal +37616,You know what I hate? Staying in class during breaks and hearing hormonal teenagers’ conversations. Somebody kill me please.,Suicidal +7573,"From the outside I appear to be successful, I moved up in the corporate world quickly and at an early age. I also have my own business that does well. None of it means anything, it all just makes me feel more stuck in my current circumstances and life. Truth is I have been suicidal for over a year, I have letters written, plans in place but I just cannot commit to a date. I have no idea how to get out of this pointless life, there is no point to any of this. Work yourself to death so that you can retire then die. Suicide honestly seems to be a logical short cut when you weigh the years of work and sacrifice vs the ones your supposed to enjoy later in life. I came close a few months back but could not follow through. I am even more determined now though. Every day is just a chore, and I do not see the benefit on the other side of it all. I used to be healthy and really active, I cannot even get motivated to leave the house any more. My lifestyle has deteriorated into a substance abuse binge eating loop, I am pretty well finished with all this. I am successful but suicidal as hell",Suicidal +7301,I have literally no one and I am just so fucking tired. I do not want to be here anymore. I am trying to decide if I should kill myself or not.,Suicidal +18274,I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to die but I do not want to hurt my family.,Suicidal +15130,"I was diagnosed at the age of 14, ""situational depression"" my family splitting up, new school, eldest sibling to a special needs brother, I got over that all. I am 28. Diagnosed BPD, my anxiety through the roof, paranoia over whelming, barely leave my house, cannot stand small talk with friends anymore, sleeping schedule fucked, in constant pain, I am obese which brings on the pain, and parts of anxiety, and then the anxiety brings on even more pain, on anti anxiety meds that do not work, Wether because I am fighting them, or too over stimulated. I do not know how many times I have written lists to try and get my shit together and fail which brings on the depression, I have done nothing significant, I cannot leave this place because I do not have a job, not for lack of trying but it is a shit place to live, do not have a license due to anxiety even if I had a car I could not keep one here with the smashing of property and break ins, so in other words I am legitimately a failure, garbage human being who quiet frankly people would forget in a year if I were to just end it all now. I have highs points, I have enjoyed parts of my life. The travel, the people, the meaningless items I have filled my house with, animals that have been apart of it. But they would be all gone in an instant, I am pretty sure the only person that remembers that stuff is me... But I am also a coward, gutless wonder but then again, what is a few seconds of pain compared to what my body is going through, what my mind is going through..The only solid thought that keeps me here... is I cannot put that on people. I could not leave my housemate in a place she could not get out of, I cannot leave my mum in tears because I stopped trying, I have been on the other end of it, too many times to see the damage of someone who leaves... even I still miss them after 6 years. But why do they get to walk away... and I am still here. kind of jealous of them if I am completely honest. I do not want to try anymore.",Suicidal +25176,So it is the middle of the night. I was preparing to hang myself. I was strugleling with the belt I wanted to use because it would not stay in place. Then I heard a cough of my father from my parents bedroom. I paniced and put everything back as fast as I could. I was so afraid he might catch me. I think I just had my first failed attempt,Suicidal +12198,"I am honestly crying while writing this because I know no one cares. I am genuinely alone, all I do is take up space when someone is better off filling it. My mom cannot take my shit anymore because I want to drop out of college and my dads never around to confide in. I just cannot get a break. I am sick I am tired of people telling me the same thing that it will get better because its only gotten worse. I really do not want to die but I cannot take this shit anymore, I am such a useless burden. I feel like a failure at 20 years old",Suicidal +7045,"I am so sick and tired of not being able to do anything the right way, first my ex broke up with me, then alot of my friends started ignoring me, and now I just do not have the energy to do much and the stuff I want to do, I cannot do correctly, and its a stupidly easy thing id rather not mention, I am really really tired of trying anymore. I do not have a clue what I am doing anymore.",Suicidal +36487,cheated on my gf drunk and now i wanna kill myself didnt know what i was doing was shitfaced drunk an d now i am all alone with no gf and my friends hate me for cheating i dont want to feel pain anymore ,Suicidal +26761,"I just wrote this because nothing is helping. I have no one to call and no one cares either way, and it hurts my very soul. Thanks for all the love. I hate these thoughts . Any inspiration would be nice. Hurting",Suicidal +23117,"I am at an age rn where I should have figured out everything.... and I did, but things happened. Ocd got triggered and I was given meds that should not have been given to me, strong meds. I stopped feeling anything, any enjoyment from any interests I had, music, movies, books. Stopped feeling any empathy for other people, I cannot get into activism without feeling like I am virtue signaling. Then on top of that, I started to see synchronicities around me that led me to reading about spiritual awakening and my OCD got triggered again. I feel like every action I do or thoughts I have will lead me to a spiritual awakening. I do not trust my own thoughts, I feel like I have no choice but to leave my old life when I have dreams that I want to get back to, desires that I want to have again. I feel like everything is happening for me to spiritual awaken, did I even will anything to happen? I do not have free will. I also fear therapies and other mental health approaches because they are kind of the same with buddhism practices. Anyway, its starting to feel like a self fulfilling prophecy, I cannot describe myself anymore bc idk who I am, or who is spiritual awakening. Its everywhere around me, its inside my head. My family is getting tired of me. They belittle everything that I have gone through. If its just OCD then I might be ok with it but I do not have anything to cope with, I do not feel any enjoyment. My life has no quality. Then you will read horror stories about anhedonia online. I cannot live like this for 20, 30, 50 years. I do not even know why I should work, when I have nothing to use the money for. I am just so so soooo done with everything. Like i do not see anything that makes me want to stay in this world. I might do it once I am alone. I am about to do it.",Suicidal +15555,"I am sorry I cannot be the child you dreamed of having.I know you deserve everything, and I cannot give you even the simplest of things.I cannot even fucking clear an exam even on second attempt. I am a fucking idiot.you all give me everything I want, sacrifice everything for me, and in return I give you NOTHING. Do you look at other children and wish I were them? Do you wish you would have raised me better? because it is not your fault. it is mine. I AM THE DUMBEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. I sometimes wish I was never born, why did you give birth to me? How does it feel? Raising a disappointment of a daughter? I know you will never tell me you are disappointed in me, but you will hurt inside. Mom will start recklessly driving again. Dad will start drinking on week nights again. All because of me. I wish you were abusive, I wish you were even a little bad. So I could blame you for my declining mental health. But I only have to blame myself. You do not know that for the last one and half years, there has not been a single night when I did not think of ending it all. I have the equipments stored in my cupboard. I am such a fucking coward that I cannot even kill myself. I cannot... because the last time I failed, you consoled me and told me I am all you have. I knew I was not going to succeed in the endeavour, I was never stable enough to give my best. But it hurts knowing that ya'll thought I can. Stop overestimating me, I am not that smart. Not all fucking Asian kids are smart. I have no future... Right, mom and dad? How will I ever make you proud?what is the point of living anymore?But you told me I am all you have... but do you sometimes wish you never had me?I think it is high time for me to not be a coward. I am a waste of space. I am sorry, mom and dad.",Suicidal +10931,"Why do i have to face sleepless nights where i lie in bed in pain, crying because I am not worth anything. Why do i have to question as to how my life got to the point where its unbearble. I cannot sleep at night and it making life shit. I lie in with sleepless night full of torment and fear. I cannot take it any more. And people say i complain well its hard not to when all you do is question everything. And i did not know questioning why life is as bad as it is, is complaining. People must think I am some weak and miserable idiot and are all angry and hate me. I do my best to stay on good terms with others but its only myself i am fooling by thinking it will get better for me just because other people have it better. When my whole life its just been deteriorating and it will not get better. No ones there to comfort me when i cannot sleep and feel like shit so obviously i do not matter to anyone. cannot wait to find a good way to kms. I do not know how to carry on anymore Why do i have to keep on living",Suicidal +9050,"I have had suicidal thoughts for years now. they have come and gone throughout my lifetime. I have cried for help, sure. But nothing seriously. Today, I realized I began actively trying to make a plan. And that is an extremely terrifying thoughtI just want to chat. It got too real",Suicidal +17977,"My husband has a ton of his own problems, and has been very suicidal in the past (actual attempts), mostly before I knew him, but he has been threatening suicide since I have known him. There is a bunch of complicated reasons for everything here, but I am not going to go into details. We have a 5 year old daughter. She was not planned, and we were not married. He is not an involved parent. I am basically a single parent. I take my daughter to visit family often. When we are home, he does not spend any significant time with her and he has never done any caretaking. He blames his lack of involvement on the fact that we are often away, and then on his own mental health problems. He blames me for everything.This morning my daughter was screaming and hitting me and coming after me because I said no to something she wanted. I left the room and went into the room he was ""sleeping"" in. I put it in quotes because he was trying to just sleep through all of it, though there was no way anyone could have. I asked for some help. Like, just some backup, someone else to come in and just say no and hold the boundary because she was physically coming after me. We DO NOT physically punish our daughter and try not to even yell. He got up angrily and berated me for not being able to ""defend myself against a toddler."" I figured at that point that I had made the wrong choice involving him but I could never have guessed what was coming. We got to the bedroom door that she had slammed and locked. I was bending down and picking up the key thing that had fallen off the door frame to unlock the door, when he just grabbed the door handle and slammed his shoulder into the door, breaking through. The force was like when police bust through doors in movies, and it all happened so fast.My daughter was standing RIGHT in front of the door on the other side. Like, holding the handle, when he did this. The door knob hit her in the forehead with unimaginable force, and she went flying backwards over some stupid wooden rocking horse that was by the door. I have never in my life been so shocked and scared and angry, I could not believe what had just happened. I ran through the door, immediately picked her up and brought her to the bed and just held her while we both cried hysterically. I know that parents are supposed to stay calm when injuries and things happen but I just could not in this situation I was basically hyperventilating I was crying so hard. He immediately started minimizing what had just happened. Arguing semantics when I screamed ""why would you break the door down?"" (Saying ""I did not break it down, I broke through"" - like, big difference??) And then almost blaming her for standing by the door when no one could have predicted what he was going to do, especially her. You cannot see through a door, and you should just assume someone might get hurt if you break through it with no warning. Kept calling it an accident, and while I understand that it was not the same thing as walking up to her and punching her in the face, he still made an angry, violent choice with no regard for her safety. He also kept saying it was nothing compared to what would happen to him at his parents' hands, like that somehow makes this better, or less damaging.A nurse advice line was called. She is not showing signs of concussion. But what the actual fuck. I do not feel like I can forgive this. I started packing up. I feel like I need to get my daughter away. Like permanently. I admit that in my immediate shock, anger and fear I was screaming things at him like, ""do not touch her!"" And ""we are done, we are never coming back here!"" So after things calmed down a bit, he started what I knew was coming. He started deflecting all sorts of things in all sorts of ways - he all but accused my parents and me of beating her when she gets normal bruises and scrapes from playing/tripping while running, etc. ""because he does not know what we are capable of and he is not there to see."" And he said that whenever I lose my temper and yell at her it is arguably worse and more traumatizing to her than ""this one mistake."" Next he started saying that he will wait til August but he is just going to kill himself. Because of all the reasons, but especially now because I am basically saying we are gone and this life is over now. I understand that suicide is not inherently selfish, but can you imagine being a little girl who got a severe head wound when her dad bust through her door in a fit of anger, felt at fault for standing there in the first place, and then a couple weeks later, her dad kills himself after basically telling her that this ""accident"" is the reason why? she is not a baby, she will remember this, but she is also not an adult who could separate his existing problems and not blame herself. So I am completely frozen. All I want to do is get away from him, but I know that if I do, the chances of him actually killing himself skyrocket. there is no one to call for him. All I could do is get the authorities involved and have him committed or something. I am also afraid to go to my family and tell them what happened. I cannot lie, I cannot teach her to hide what actually happened, that would be terribly damaging. But when I tell them, it is all over. They already have issues with him but they put up with him because he is her dad. They sometimes voice fear about us going home and ask if he would ever hurt us. I have never had reason to believe that he would, but now all of that is changed and there is no going back, whether this was a mistake or not. He will not be welcome at their house anymore, and they will not allow us to come back here.I feel like this is completely my fault. I should have just given her what she wanted before it turned into a tantrum. I should have never involved him. If I had not said no to her and then gotten him involved, none of this would have happened! She would not have gotten hurt in this awful way, and he would not be threatening to kill himself over it. It is my fault.I have no idea what to do. I tried to open a crisis chat a bunch of times before I made this post but I got too scared that they would be like mandated reporters or something, be able to track us down, and that would just make everything worse at this moment in time. I do not know why I am posting this even. I have no one to talk to. I am sorry. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +11276,"Nobody cares anyways. there is a huge social help system but it is worthless if get you pushed from door to door endlessly. Never would I had believe that those few problems could block my whole life. I have no power, no actions that I could take. Fuck Germany, fuck the people here. Nobody is really nice, nobody cares about you and those Muslims are like animals. Fuck this world, bye I am done",Suicidal +20160,"I am so hopeless, I feel like a robot who is been turned onto autopilot. I just want everything to stop, and to finally be at peace. I know I need help but I cannot even go get it or even kill myself because I have people who rely on me. My friend is falling apart and I have to help her escape an abusive relationship. Obviously I love her and I want to help but Its just such shitty timing because I need help too. I also had an awakening at how much my brother is drinking and how awful he is doing as well. I wish I could just help the people I love instead of being just a presence doing the tiny bit they still can. I love them both so much and everything is such a mess. I want to help them and do not mind doing it but I do not know how long until ill have nothing left. I feel so trapped and I do not know if ill ever escape, I just want to sink into nothing. I cannot break",Suicidal +17718,i do not know what is wrong with me. i can never seem to be happy no matter how hard i try. i feel so incredibly alone. i do not know what I am doing wrong. why do i have no friends? what is wrong with me? i just want to stop feeling so lonely i want to be normal,Suicidal +26581,I want to be 21 forever. I do not want to get old. I want to preserve my face. Wtf. I am wasting my youth fuck,Suicidal +15228,"I do not have anybody to talk to, so I am talking into the void. I have planned this for the past two weeks. Not sure why, but I was really hoping tonight would be the night. For some reason, I just cannot. I thought Id done enough to erode my survival instincts - cutting, an overall apathy towards my wellbeing or life - but it seems ill have to go farther into self destruction before I can. Then there is the plans I made. I have got work tomorrow, a dinner with my ill grandmother the day after. How fucking selfish would I be if I killed myself then?Tuesday night, I have decided. Depends on if I have plans the next morning, because as terrible as everything seems, the once in a blue moon chance to go out with my friends is enough to shock enough serotonin into my system to last me until midnight.This is a ramble. I am frustrated with myself for not carrying it out like Id promised. I am worried right now because I did not plan to be sitting here, on my bed instead of on concrete. I am scared because I lashed out at my best friend for the dumbest fucking reason and I feel like were growing more and more distant by the second. The last thing might kill me. I feel worthless. Sorry for the messy writing, I just needed to shout it someplace that was not my stupid fucking brain. I was supposed to at least try to kill myself tonight",Suicidal +16039,"I have dealt with my own mental health issues and SI since my husband and I got together but yesterday his undiagnosed issues and SI came to a head and he is now at the hospital. I have been in inpatient before so in a way he knows what to expect. Please let me know if this sounds selfish, but what do I do now that the shoe is on the other foot? I am trying my hardest not to let this send me down the depression rabbit hole but its very difficult. Any advice on how to help him get through this and get me through this would be very much appreciated. Thanks. How Do I Help My Husband Now That The Shoe Is on the Other Foot?",Suicidal +36821,"@youractionlink,Utah,Want to take that perfect selfie? Here’s what you should be looking for in your phone camera!",Suicidal +12160,"We are not speaking for a month due to a break we are taking. Impossible for me to know whether we will stay together or not. In the meantime I am preparing myself for a breakup, even if I have some faith in the outcome. I have fought hard to reassure him about continuing together, but he is still lost about what decision to make. Beyond this I am afraid of a lifetime where I will never know if he is truly okay.Even if for a day it is easy to think he is not for me, I go to sleep crying because I feel the thought is cruel. He has been nothing but loving from the start and we were happy together. Our families liked each other. I love his so much. A few months ago I found out he has been suicidal for a long time. He told me his dark thoughts and it broke my heart. He did not want to talk about it and was upset that the whole thing came up, because it triggered him. We rarely ever fought, but now he says he cannot trust me. Now I pray to God for the first time so he gathers strength to overcome his depression because there is nothing else I can do.He continues to love me and want this relationship, but fears it might do him more harm than good. I want to do anything I can to prove I am strong enough for this and that I can be his support. I am afraid of what happens to him if he gives this up, which I understand is arrogant. There is no way to claim I am what he needs. But we thought we were going to be married one day. I am scared he is pushing me away. Viewed optimistically, the end of the relationship could diminish potential triggers and give him the space to focus 100% on himself, his way. All of my friends say I need to look out for myself right now. But what on Earth could my strength be for other than him, when he was the first to make life beautiful for me. Because of him I overcame my own depression and became so strong. I think I would be okay, I just would hate to settle for someone else. There is no knowing why he is depressed and what stops him from trusting me. Maybe he has some secret, I would suspect about gender. I would be with him no matter what. Anyone with advice, it is very welcome! I want to be there for him so badly, I am just not sure what else to do but be patient, I have done everything I can. I have cleared up misunderstandings. And again, maybe a breakup is just what makes sense. But this came out of nowhere. I trust he will find his way even if without me. I found out my boyfriend is suicidal and he thinks he wants to split up.",Suicidal +21047,"Like, wow. I think of suicide everyday for the past year. Half that year was chronic suicidal thoughts. I am talking with a plan, what the aftermath of my death will be like, how others will react, etc.Recently I decided I wanted end my suffering. I went online and bought the drug (do not ask). It arrived. I have it in my hands, its easy access. All it takes is a little and I will not even know I am dead. Thinking to myself, wow its that easy, huh? And then I am dead, which makes my suffering no longer existent. Everything is fine now. But no, its much more hard than that. You have the permanent solution in the palm of your hands, all you have to do is take it, and your desire is MET. So much power is held in my hand right now that I can finally make this decision. It all came down to this moment. I came to realize I do not want to die, I just want to end my suffering. Looking at this drug in my hand gives me fear, anxiety, worry, so many different emotions that just looking at it makes me feel uneasy. What is it that I want best for me? I feel that I have no choice but to take this dark route as a only solution. It feels impulsive to have bought this. But why must it feel like this is a choice now? Why could have I of just for once, realized this is not the answer. But it does feel like one at the same time. Its all too conflicting. It gives me comfort knowing I have access to it, but when do I decide to take it? How do I prevent myself if I had enough of living? Have I really had enough? What is enough? I am not even working towards something, so why am I here? Just to suffer more because people tell me to stay? what is the answer, I am still deciding. Why does it have to be this way I do not know. Thinking of suicide and a plan is like a walk through a park. When presented with the permanent solution in the palm of your hands, it becomes the most difficult thing ever to commit to.",Suicidal +26056,Its funny how some of use are the victims and some of us are the monster but we all go to the same place wering maks and hiding who is sick predator and who is a beaten pray. I cannot stop smiling everitime I think about this. Do we even deserve help? I am dieing from laughter,Suicidal +20691,I have had a lot of support from my family. Except from my bfs family and he himself does not want the baby. I have had a lot going on in my personal life where people have tried to tear me down and rip me apart. And its to the point where i feel like I am this horrible person who cannot do anything right. I feel like a disappointment to everyone including my baby. I do not want the baby to have a suicidal depressed mother like me. I want the baby to have a strong figure in its life. I am wanting to kill myself to the point where I have been planning it in my head. I want to do it after i give birth so my baby has a chance at life and can have a strong loving family and not a burden of a mother. I have gone through so much trauma and abuse to the point where I feel that my very existence was just to bring the baby into the world other than that I am not worth anything. Pregnant and wanting to kill myself,Suicidal +11545,Because I do not have any future plans beyond that. I really hope to die soon.,Suicidal +20163,"I just want to go. Some days feel like I am making progress but then I see something that makes me remember the kind of pain I inflected in the person I love the most in this world, and I just want to fucking die. I did not do these things on purpose, but they happened and I am not being given a second chance to make them right.My tarotist (yeah, yeah, I know) told me that I would be doing alright by January next year but I do not see it coming. I do not see my 22 years on this Earth. I had the best birthday by her side last year and knowing she will not be in this one, I want to peel off my skin, get infected by the environment and drop dead.Yesterday was the last drop, she is hanging out with her ex and some other friends of hers. Her ex does not live near so I am assuming they are staying in her house. I know the girl I love is having a hard time, due to having to hide from her family about her sexual orientation while she is already struggling with trying to become independent and getting out of her toxic household environment. it is hard for her but I wish she would seek out some comfort in me too, but in our situation it is understandable why she does not.She sent a final letter through the app we met telling that she could not be friends with me and to not look out for her, but I am weak as hell. I want to know about her life and see that she is doing well.And yeah, she also played her role into not making the relationship work out but, while I am trying to be logical about it, she is dealing with a lot right now. But I felt so bad in a given situation that, instead of helping out and making her feel at ease, I put my problems on top of hers and that cracked her up. She feels that she cannot trust me, I wished she would see the progresses I have made so far but I feel like it does not even matter anymore. The promises I made her, I could not live up to them when the moment most needed it.I was dealing with a lot of unresolved issues when I went to her hometown, and I feel like shit because I made promises with the extroverted version of myself in mind, but that 'me' had been sleeping/dead for over a year (this pandemic sucked out all my social skills, fucking hell). I could not project myself in the way I knew I had in myself some time ago, I was not ready.I am trying to do better but I want to be seen by her. I never liked the idea of living just for myself, filling myself up with projects that mean little to nothing by the time I go to bed, it is exhausting.We talked about getting married, her coming to my college graduation, moving in with each other, we even made bets in relation to our future kids together. I feel empty as fuck and I cannot take it anymore. she is so beautiful, virtues and flaws, and I was so fucking stupid of making her feel like she should change things about herself when she is already perfect in my eyes, well, perfectly imperfect really. I always set high expectations for myself (me never feeling enough and some other thing related to my family relationships) and I put those same expectations on her, without realizing that those made me feel awful as well.do not go on and tell me ""there are plenty of other fish in the sea"". I do not fucking care about being romantic with anyone else, it makes me sick to even think about it.When she talks even concrete walls fall in love with her, she is that kind of person, and I took her for granted.I do not think I am going to make it to the next year. While I am not alone and I have a better relationship with my parents and some others, they will never be enough. I am in my hometown right now, staying at my dad's. I even told my psychologist about my suicide plan like a month ago. I know they did everything in their power to help me get out of this mental state but that is it, while I do appreciate them for what they tried to do. But now I just want to die in an accident because I cannot do it on my own and maybe it is better, my family will not know that I intentionally put myself through that anyway. At least I will be a donnor and somebody else will get a chance to live a life they want.I feel so fucking stupid and angry at myself.there are a lot of other things missing here but the post is long enough already. If you made it this far, thank you, you are kind, or just bored, heck if I know.Good luck and take care of your loved ones, do not ever take them for granted, do not be like me. I want to die and stop breathing life into my body",Suicidal +15087,"I will be 20 in 2 days. Had this back pain since I was 3. Parents did everything they could but nothing happened. At start, the strokes were monthly thing but now its everyday and I am tired of it. Everyone thinks I am faking it bc no doctor has been able to identify it. My parents have been supportive but they have their fair share of taunts and blaming. I have been hiding it from them for about 6 years now. Too scared to tell them. One reason is they will worry too much. Other being they will probably blame me for it. I was excellent in my academics up until covid. It went downhill after that and my career is probably over till now. I am physically done. I have been suicidal for more than a year now but never felt strong the way I feel about doing it rn. A friend somehow convinced me to tell my parents about it but we all know that are not going to happen. I have lied to them so much that I feel like my whole life is a lie. I gave up on everything I loved just so I could make my parents proud of me one day but that are not going to happen now. Been thinking about hanging myself for a long time. Now is the time to actually do it. I know it will not be easy on you mom dad, but this is the only way you are going to believe that I was in pain. Otherwise you will just keep thinking that I was a cheat. So sorry for all the pain I have caused till now. I will not be an issue from now on. Have a great life ahead. I am going to kill myself on my birthday",Suicidal +18191,Last time I did it I vomited. The wine is very warm which probably will make me throw up again. The flat I rented to kill myself is so shitty it has no fridge even (I did not know some flats do not have fridges). I am scared of throwing up again and not dying. If only I will not vomit again while taking pills and wine then this all would be over,Suicidal +23551,"the suicidal thoughts are back, i feel so lonely and alone i cannot sit still :/ all my friends ignore me and basically put someone else in the friend group, and even if i try gathering online friends, they just do not like talking to me and end up walking away. i do not have good parents, and the other day i dreamt of having lovers and now I am extra extra lonely. i was getting slightly better but I am back to gut wrenching thoughts, and being stuck in the house everyday is not helping either. i cannot even stand up to do anything productive unlike last week when i was already doing so well. i cannot stand it anymore aaaagzhwhdb n man",Suicidal +11373,"I am thinking about my last letters to everybody. There are very clear reasons for my mental state (abusive mother, therapist who does not care), some less clear contributors (relatives and friends who do not care) and of course the innocents (children, nice people with own issues).I wish to tell these people who made the decision not to care, but still I am afraid that in the end, mother and therapist blame me or others, and the innocents are left to wonder what they did wrong. I sort of do not want to be a dick to anyone, but I also do not want people to use this to their own ignorance. I mean there might be someone they could save (at least the therapist) in the future if they realize it is in their power. How would you write about it? Blaming others or not",Suicidal +20156,"Give me your best reason that I should not try to kill my self, I do not think that they are going to work Come on and do it",Suicidal +12077,Why do I always feel so fucking alone I am tired of it man I do not even know why I am still alive or why I am still trying scared of fucking it up I guess because I fuck up everything I do not know and this point I am about to hire someone to kill me or something Blehh,Suicidal +20423,"I am not saying that kind of self harm is not self harm. I am just saying it is not only that.It can be not talking about your feelings when you really want to, not taking a painkiller when you are in pain, avoiding doing things that make you happy, and more. I wish people understood that Self-harm is not just mutilating your skin",Suicidal +10211,"I want to die already. I cannot stop crying everyday. I never knew how difficult it wa Help, please.",Suicidal +15465,"I am not suicidal, i do not think. But I certainly do not feel like I have anymore fight in me.Life, over the past two years especially) has been a lot of rollercoaster ups and (mostly) downs to the point of I am just so tired of fighting for something I do not know if even want. I had to move out of my country, leaving my family, pets, and everything I knew behind because of some pretty serious health problems that were stopping me from working. could not afford food, let alone rent, had to move.My one ray of hope in any of the past two years was my significant other, for the sake of privacy Ill call them Bob Doe. they have been trying their best to help me with everything, but they also have an addiction to drugs and alcohol. they are never abusive (other than the lying) and I have given them more chances than I should and they just keep slipping. I know, I know, run away. But Id have no where to go and no way to get there if I left. Plus my passport has expired, and I just had sudden cardiac arrest in January. they are usually pretty good about staying on the right track, the drugs and alcohol are just a minor thing compared to all they do. I just know I cannot fix them when I cannot fix myself.The cat I had since I was little died in May, and I do not know how to deal with that either. The cat we adopted here is currently going through something as well. She had fleas, we got rid of them. Now she has bald patches on her head that just seem irritated. she is getting a cone tomorrow though, so fingers crossed that with her not being able scratch them she will heal just fine. My dad was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year as well. I have not been home (borders are closed) and my mom is basically stuck taking care of him by herself. I guess I would love to embrace death, in all honestly. I have died twice in the time I have been alive, what can one more do? I feel like the worst human in the world for all this complaining, but I am just so tired. Tired of not sleeping, tired of sleeping too much, tired of the heat, tired of fighting for something that does not even feel worth it anymore. I do not know why I am here",Suicidal +18020,"Now I wish I would tell somebody while I had the chance - the moment I stopped caring, the moment I realised nothing really mattered anymore, maybe I thought it will pass like other things used to, now I am drowning in indifference, I am stuck with it. Things that I used to crave or enjoy now feel like nothing, I have friendships as deep as I ever wanted them, now it feels like meh, what the fuck am I going to tell them anyways. Do I want to do anything, not really, do I want to do nothing, fuck no, either way it is going to be the same. It feels like I am already dead, I mean sometimes it matters and springs up some emotion I no longer recognize when somebody is on a brink of suicide, but on the other hand it does not do anything to me most of the times, so what am I doing here? Maybe I was meant to be a statistic all along, I was thinking about it and eventually I am going to miss the night sky, I think we do not appreciate it enough, I am going to miss the memories of the two best weeks if my life and people that may suffer the most, I am sorry (or not, I mean it genuinely, but it does not feel like that anymore) it is already over",Suicidal +16133,"My life could be very good, it is so easy for me, I have such good conditions, nice house, my parents have money, I could have good friends, I could study anything I wanted and also work at anything.But I am trash, I hate myself so much, it has been 2 years now since it is all bad for me, I cannot be happy, it all goes wrong, and it is always just because of me, it does not seem like it will come to and end soon, I just cannot move, I hate everything and everyone, but most of all, myself, for being such a terrible human being, wasting such an opportunity, I wish I could give my life to someone who is not happy right now because of bad luck or something, but instead I am just this terrible mess that cannot even cry anymore, cannot make a single thing well, neither wants to fix anything.The only thing I want is to die.My family does not even hate me for this.They should.They do not deserve this.I really wish I was never born.The only thing I do all the time is to feel very very bad and miserable in my bed while I wish I suddenly die or something because I am not even capable of killing myself.I am the fucking worst.I am sorry for the long post... I could have an ideal life",Suicidal +8812,"I was in a long distance relationship for almost two years. I put everything I had into this relationship. It was very real to me. I come to find out that he has been cheating on me and using me while I was trying to help him get back on his feet. I asked him about it and he blocked me. Two years of my life wasted. Funny thing was, if I had not met him I would be dead already. The last time I flew to see him, he ghosted me. I cannot anymore",Suicidal +24753,MeOr do not IDK I did not sign up for life; -;do not worry Watch,Suicidal +25921,"Using a throwaway for this one. Fairly rough upbringing with an alchoholic dad and a disfunctional family. My first ""attempt"" was at about 7 when i tied a rope around my neck, tied the other end to my bed, and pulled as hard as i could since i did not know anything about nooses and hanging. did not have any results apart from some light choking effect so i cried myself to sleep that day. Every time i had a mental breakdown i contemplated suicide though most days were pretty chill. The next ""attempt"" was at 13, i had my noose and chair all set up and i did not do it. I have considered myself cured of depression since then, i got a girlfriend, my dad did not drink anymore, and all was going well. I did have some very bad days but i ignored them and used the classic ""it is going to be better"" thing. Recently i broke up with her and only now do i realise that i was not happy and i was not cured of depression. I only ignored it and constantly looked for ways to push it away sort of speak. Only now do i realise how lonely i am, how nothing interesting ever happens to me, how each and every day is the same, how i have no friends, how i have no one to talk to, how i have to reason to live. I feel empty in every way possible. I started thinking about suicide again and i regret that i did not do it when i was 13. I have no plans to do it as of right now but one day I am going to fucking do it. I am sure of this and nothing will ever change it. I only posted this here because i want somebody else to know it too. I do not expect anything from anyone, i never did, and i never will. One day I am going to do it",Suicidal +23752,"I am choosing to extend it till tomorrow since I have to help my family sign some documents regarding financial matters. Doing so will allow them to get some money in their hands. If I die now, they will not get this cash they have been waiting for in over 10 years. The one ""decent"" thing I can do for them before I goAnyways, I have borderline personality disorder. If you have this disorder, I think you can clearly understand why I am done with it. This disorder has effectively ruined my life. Through in a bunch of continuous trauma and you have a mentally destroyed person who cannot take anymore pain. Yesterday was, yet again, another bad relapse. I ended up hurting a frined and they blocked me. I reached out to our mutual friends but I think the damage is now done. I am fucking tired of these suicidal relapses, mistakes, and hurtful abusive behavior. There is a reason we have a bad rep and are known as abusers. Sad to say, it exists for a reason. I am done. Not only will I not be suffering anymore pain, I will not live with hurting people anymore as well. I cannot take this shit. Hey, maybe some people can live with BPD. Are willing to deal with the rollercoaster of pain and life and make it work. Cool. But I realized I should have given up a long time ago Tomorrow, after signing the documents, I will commit suicide. I will walk to a bridge not too far from where I live and jump. This will be over. I am not doing this shit anymore. Every time I decided to ""live and get better"" moments like yesterday remind me that I am not cut out for life. I should have listened to myself at 13. When my mother was abusing me I told myself ""I have to kill myself to escape"". But I thought about ""hope"". Hope? The fuck is that. Life raped me in the ass every year after that. did not care about me, and nothing I did to help myself mattered either. Still got abused, sexually assaulted years later, and hurt in other ways by other people. So, suffice to say, I am done. I will send people I know suicide letters and send them. Turn off all my electronics and then die. The end. I am not living with this disorder. I will bridge jump tomorrow",Suicidal +11164,"This is the third day without eating and drinking. Though' will be enough to die, but I do not feel any pain; or at least, is not like the kind of pain you get from when you are hit or cut yourself, it is more like a cold, as when you are sick, but being more dizzy and tired with high temperature. Sometimes my heart ache and random places from my body, but I am still resisting and thinking, like nothing changed at all. This also made me think, it must be the best possible way to die, but not entirely sure. Will be more painful as the time passes? How can be worse from now on?Not a native-english speaker, so I struggle sometimes writting grammatically and finding the right words; not do I care anymore at this point. How does actually feels dying of thirst?",Suicidal +16806,I just got broken up with after a 2 year relationship not feeling the greatest First time posting,Suicidal +20089,"why is everyone so toxic on any kind of multiplayer game, it makes me sad. all i wanted to do was have fun with a video game and i cannot even do that why",Suicidal +17291,"I am bored and tired, bored and tired of doing stuff and existing and occasionally I have the odd spurt of feeling motivated and doing shit, but most of the time, every afternoon and evening at the very least, I am just completely fucking unmotivated and bored. there is nothing I want to do, there is nothing I will want to do because nothing is worth shit, I want to die. I want it to be quick, jumping off my roof will take too long and I will panic on the way down, it needs to be something I can do fast and will not have time for second thoughts like when I tried to slit my wrist.I know my therapist said that this is ""eternity thinking"" but that is just an iteration of ""oh dark times come and go, you will feel better soon"" THE FUCK I WILL, HAPPINESS IS TEMPORARY AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.there is no fucking point in anything if I cannot change this, it is just something that comes over me and suddenly I realise I do not want to do anything apart from dieI think I need anti depressants, maybe then I would not be in fucking pain all the timeThe problem is I can hide it really well in front of the people who are there to help, and I do, as a defence mechanism, I see my best friends and they are like, are you okay, and I convince them that yeah I am fine and they have bigger things to worry about so they accept it but every day I am in fucking painI want to feel something different, either things need to change now or I need to die End me",Suicidal +15584,"I am writing this post to seek advice, guidance, and emotional support on an obvious issue that I can longer ignore, which is that I am 31 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I am of East Indian descent; however, I grew up in California. I have been told that numerous times that I am a good-looking guy, and some people are even shocked to find that I have never had a girlfriend before. Throughout much of my adult life, I have been overlooked by girls. I have seen Indian guys score girls, yet I would be left with nothing and it often makes me think just ""What exactly is it about these guys that make them particularly appealing?"" ""What exactly do these guys have that I do not?"" I have a fair complexion for an Indian so I am quite often told that I do not ""look Indian"" but rather a Hispanic or middle eastern, which irritates me. I am very insecure about my figure, as I believe that it is the sole reason that people have never respected me- I am 5'8"" with a slender build, which makes me look a lot younger than my actual age; I could easily pass for 22. Many of these Indian guys may be taller than me-6'1"", however, they are not exactly the most refined of people- they are very callous and rude. Many times, where girls have expressed interest in me, there has always been some jealous male that has ruined it for me. I have tried using dating sites, such as Tinder, and much to my chagrin, I have never matched even once in the past two years that I have been using the app. For a while, I stopped caring by reassuring myself that I can live without a girlfriend, but unfortunately, I am reaching an age where I need to find someone.&#x200B;I ought to mention that I would prefer to date a girl outside of my ethnicity. I must profess that anytime I see a brown guy with a white girl, I become infuriated with jealousy because I often think that if that brown guy can score a white girl, why cannot I? What exactly does that brown guy have that I do not? I would not feel the same way if the guy were White, Yellow, or Black, but only Brown.One could contend that there may be something about myself that I could change, and I completely agree; however, one attribute about the physique that I have not been able to change is my height, and I know that women do care about that- they are lying if they tell you that it is not important. Consequently, I am strongly considering undergoing cosmetic limb lengthening surgery, which would essentially make me 5 inches taller, and put me at 6'1"", and not to mention people would not bully me and women would be more likely to express interest in me.If I were a brown guy standing at 6'1"" and not 5'8"", I would be respected and not bullied as much as I have throughout my life. I am constantly told by women that I look like a little boy and not like a grown man and that is simply because of my small build.It is my misfortune to have been dealt with a very bad genetic hand at birth; however, I do plan to redeem by making myself taller to improve the quality of my life and ultimately ensure my happiness.I am very miserable deep inside, and with each passing day, I realize more and more just how miserable I am deep down inside. I often ask what is the point of life? Help and Guidance needed.",Suicidal +10897,"I am so tired, exhausted, worn out. mentally and physically. nothing helps anymore. nothing that i used to love doing gives me any happiness. i pass my days so idly. just tired of anything life has to offer. i want to go out soon I am really really really fucking tired.",Suicidal +21935,"I am turning 18 in a couple days and have literally no friends and am absolutely shit at anything socially, i feel so much pressure to be the happy sociable dude everyone around sees me as, but in reality I am so fucking lonely and unhappy and die of anxiety thinking of even getting close to people, let alone tell them I am struggling, i just wish i had someone i could talk to that had no expectations for me. I do not even want to fucking kill myself i just do not want to live with all this anger and loneliness anymore What the fuck is the point anymore",Suicidal +13575,"I have been here long enough and I am ready to leave now, I am not young so my dearh will not be a tragedy. I have had enough of my pathetic existence. I am thinking of going through with it next week, I wonder how long it takes to actually die from hanging... When do I get to die?",Suicidal +21202,"I found out I have hsv1,my keeps trying to fuck .my birthday is tomorrow.I just want to die About to kill myself",Suicidal +36802,me as a future therapist: damn :/ it be like that sometimes,Suicidal +22247,"I am sitting alone in my room, trying my hardest not to cry.I am alone. I am all alone. Everyone is going out to lunch or to dinner with everyone. I do not think anyone will care enough to even call. Even if they do it will all sound so meaningless and fake. I am going to turn my phone off and watch Netflix in bed all day tomorrow.Maybe I deserve it. For having a loud voice, for being fat, for just existing. This is my punishment. I am destined to be miserable. I am too scared to die. it is like an endless loop. I have accepted it, I am just done. 4 hours and 8 minutes left for my birthday.",Suicidal +18344,"Long story short I was feeling like relapsing and killing myself so I texted a suicide hotline. I do not enjoy calls at all, to me they are very awkward and uncomfortable so I prefer texting instead. A bot or something like that asked me some questions and I answered, after I finished answering the questions it said someone would be with me soon. Well 20 minutes later I never got another message back, if I had got a message back I probably would not have relapsed :| luckily I never attempted suicide here because I forced myself to take a sleeping pill so I could fall asleep. But what do I do if this happens again?? I messaged a suicide hotline but they never responded",Suicidal +23704,"I think I am at the end of my road. I do not see a point in living anymore. The world is going to shit around us with climate change, mass extinctions and civil unrest and emergencies. I am not happy. I have not been truly happy in years. Its not fair that I have to keep living like this just for the sake of others. I think its my time to go. At my end",Suicidal +10043,"I was literally having a nice day today, then I came home and held a blade at my wrist. Then I was ok again and now I am so sad. My head will not stop hurting and confusing me it will not stop how do I make it stop? Is there anything at all that will make it stop? I want to be normal like I was before all of this. My head will not stop it does not stop",Suicidal +12888,"Had so much access to friends, different types of people, educational opportunities, and extracurriculars that are all gone now. I rarely talk to anyone from High School and I work the same terrible Job everyday. I work with idiots, do not learn anything new at work, and do not do anything fun outside of work. Why should I keep living this depressing life? you are going to tell me to do so so that you guys can benefit economically for my existence. I am 24 and I am still depressed that High School is Over!",Suicidal +17625,"I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts recently; I have done really well on not remembering my past and closing myself when anything from the past remotely enters my brain. i got a therapist because i want to get better - there is a lot of things that makes me want to continue living but i did not know before getting better, i have to acknowledge things and overcome things and past traumas. I have done things in the past that i cannot take back or fix - most of them a reflection of things that were done to me when i was a kid. I am trying to remind myself that I am not my past and even though we cannot control our past, we can control how we react in the present and where to go in the future. but I am so tired, these past situations and the feelings i had in them is all coming back and its incredibly overwhelming.i am very fortunate to have loving friends, partner and family but my past continues to haunt me.I am stuck between offing myself or continue being sad and tired. i do not want to be sad anymore.",Suicidal +10702,that is all I have to say. Doing it this weekend,Suicidal +26905,I am scared. I have no money. I am stuck in a bad situation. Just got bad email. No one to talk to. I am disassociating bad,Suicidal +14257,"""You will not let me die? Then I will make sure I will be difficult as hell to live with."" On some days, my mindset is this:",Suicidal +13588,"I am starting to come to the realization that I am not going to amount to anything in this world. I have tried and tried my absolute best in at least attempting to accomplish something meaningful in my life but i just cannot. i have no idea what is supposed to make me happy, what exactly do i want with my life etc. i just keep drawing a blank. I have always been kind, respectful- hell even optimistic for the future, but life keeps deciding to fuck me up in ways and for things i do not understand and definitely do not deserve. phrases like ""good things happen to good people"" are complete bullshit to me now and i have a strong regret for ever believing that something as idiotic as that could ever be true. I am just lost and confused and have absolutely nobody to vent to or even someone to encourage me that everything's going to be okay. this is the worst state I have ever been in both mentally and physically. I have never been so alone in my entire life. i hate this. i hate this so much. on the verge of giving up",Suicidal +26520,"I honestly have no reason to live anymore. No family, friends, or other people that will miss me. I could have ended my life but I guess I am scared off death. What if death is not peaceful and hell is real? What if there is some kind of horrible afterlife or something? That is what is keeping me alive currently but I still want to end my life eventually. What keeps you alive?",Suicidal +22323,"i am doing so many things so fast. It feeels like I am shutting down or malfunctioning or something. the back and fourth is wearing down my machinery or something. it is too harsh and sudden and it never ends. am I tired? it is like 5 am I have not slept I did not realize it got this late. I do not feel tired I feel high, and light and floaty, like I can fly. it feels like the world is eternally ending. like I am stuck in a blaze of fire in the split seccond before I disintegrate. the world is very strang and beatiful and I wish I could share that with others. they do not see the world as vibrantly as i do, but also it scares me. I can do anything, I am doing so much, I think that is kindof how I just am all the time. my life is very intense adn exciting and unstalble, I think this is more so, my head is al fuzzy. and purple. I am very gently. it feels like the world is ending. my legs hurt from pacing. i need to move more. I do not know naything, I am a genius, how do I now that anything is real. moving is heaveyier. like the signaal is not comming through right, i want to sleeep forever. I want calm. it feels like tim ei s rfrozen//. i cannot trust anyone. they canread my mind. this is not sustainable. I cannot stop feels like the world is imploding into me",Suicidal +20451,"My boyfriend is a cop, we live in sweeden where cops got high authority. My boyfriend is abusive, he harrases me infront of everybody and will not let me goHe forces sex, anal sex which led me to hospital many times when I am asleep he just goes in, I lost sleep for days, most of the days i wake up with sexual acts done on meHe hits me all the time for the slightest disagreement, or if i want to go out with my friends he goes enraged giving me black eyes every now and thenHe burnt my father's memory which led me to fight him and tried to punch him because the pictures of me and my father are my only memories of us and my beautiful childhood, but he always hits me back harder breaking my foot once bending my wrists. And knocks me out i cannot do anything to hurt him he is 4 times my size and always threatens to cut my hair and eyebrowsI tried contacting the local police but i ended up being punished for it he kept me locked in my room not letting me go to bathroom embarrassing myself in thereI cannot do anything, I am poor and i have nobody, the only friend i have now is my phone.I do not know what to do with my life or how to get rid of him because i have nowhere else to go. Maybe suiciding in a painless way would really help. If you redditors got any ideas please share them, i could not find any solutions online.Am i wrong for wanting him to die? I am not here looking for sympathy just solutions. 18f, scared of my boyfriend, i need help",Suicidal +9060,"Just to clarify, **I have never told anyone that I have wanted to die because of them, and I will never do something that in my life.**But... What I have done, having realized that yesterday, is something **very** selfish...In the past years, I used to tell some of the closest friends I have ever had about my feelings of suicide, like I felt sad, empty or than I wanted to catch the bus, including a time I engaged into self-harm once or twice, **(but I never told them it was because of them or something similar).** I also told the same things to people I used to know from the internet...What I did... Is **unforgivable.**I put such a huge **burden on them**, I think I made them feel they were responsible for my happiness... Even if that was not my intention, even if I tried to reciprocate things to them as much as I could; the **damage** was done.Those things should only be told either to qualified mental health professionals with decades of study, or in anonymous forums with people who have similar problems, but either the anonymity or professional relationship have boundaries to ensure the person who listens will not end up feeling guilty or responsible.Maybe that is the main reason I ended up being mostly alone... Even if I was desperate for help, I asked for it in the most horrible way I could have ever done...They moved on because they deserved to be happy, they deserved to be surrounded with positive people who love them, they deserved all the good things in the world...Something that a useless, toxic and cowardly person like me would never be able to provide... Even if I was hurt a lot, even if society ended up betraying me, I should have never asked that kind of advice to them... Honestly... I do not think I have ever been a good person at all... Ever since I was a child I have had trouble connecting with people, my way of being (like how I speak, walk and express myself), pissed them off so much that they ended up bullying me as punishment, or they slowly ignored me until I got the message and moved away from their lives.Heh, and I thought I could be a hero... What kind of hero does that?What kind of **decent** human being does something like that?Like someone told me once, even if I never had bad intentions towards them, my **final actions** were the ones that mattered the most.Aristotle said that there are friendships based either on affinity, utility and true love...Aside from some exceptions, I think most of the friendships I have ever had in my life were about utility and affinity, with very few ones based on true love...And if deep inside my core I am not a good person, it explains why I have to suffer like this as punishment. I think I have been a manipulator...",Suicidal +7671,"I have been suicidal for a long time, I tried to hang myself in grade 6 and all the way through high school because I was fat. But now I think this is it. I had an abortion and I feel really guilty and I lied to everyone and told them I had a miscarriage but now it is catching up to me. I am facing academic exclusion because I have failed so many classes and I feel like I am going nowhere, fast. I am poor so I have no choice but to make it and that is a lot of pressure. I hate who I have become and I used to feel sympathy for my family (that is what would make me not want to do it) How they would feel, how shattered they would be but now I feel nothing. All I say to myself is, ""they will understand"", and it kind of worries me that I just I am impartial like that. I have been crying for hours and I just cannot stop - it feels like something is stuck in my throat.I hate that I am back in this position because I know I can do better but I do not know how. Thought I would not but...",Suicidal +13765,"I cannot do it anymore. I am done with the doctor appointments, I am done with the medicine, I am done with pretending I am fine. To everyone who tried to help me through this please do not blame this on you. My final requests are that you do not mourn over me or think that my death was preventable. It was not. My second and final request is that you cremate me and scatter my ashes in Banff National Park. Goodby I am done",Suicidal +21769,"I am just so fucking tired man, nothing ever changes. I tried putting in the work, driving an hour twice a week to go to DBT, I was really trying to be better. But it never lasts because at the end of the day I am still fucking empty inside. Nothing makes me happy and I just want to give up. Since last October I have had more suicide attempts than I even remember, like how am I such a fucking failure I cannot even do suicide right. (Haha laugh comedy). I wish my therapist would give me permission to die",Suicidal +19914,Now I am going to figure out the quickest way to end myself so as not to fail that as well. Wish me luck. I am a problem to people.,Suicidal +19268,I am tired of feeling like an anomaly and like I am not good enough for anyone or anything:( it would just be nice to be genuinely wanted yk IK i posted like 10 mins ago but,Suicidal +8397,"Hey,sooooo I am about to do it so I am here to say thanks to everybody that helped me. I love you guys, thanks for beeing there for me!!Goodbye Bye guys",Suicidal +26829,Or cared about or at least to know more like 5 people personally It feels so bad i just want to be desired,Suicidal +17316,"It is supposed to feel amazing. Instead of killing yourself (purposefully) has anyone ever thought about acquiring a solid heroin addiction? I mean, I would make everything better for the time being and you might get lucky and overdose at some point.",Suicidal +36492,i wanna die pls i'm tired of everything,Suicidal +11076,"Can anybody tell me why I am alive? do not know what I am doing here.But I cannot even cast a cry, my eye will not even she would a tear.I eat and shit and drink and piss,feel like I have drown in the Abyss.But will I do that Suicide?No, for pain is my only Fear. No motivation to live, no motivation to die",Suicidal +16952,"do you actually believe death is better than living? do you actually believe that the life after death, would be better than the one you have now? what if it is not? do not kill yourself just for the sake of running away. embrace death, death is not a bad thingdeath can mean peace however, it is also an endan end to the life you have now, and if things are worse in the afterlifeyou cannot turn back&#x200B;maybe only kill yourself when you find out the true meaning of what death is to you killing yourself will not solve your problems, however, it at least has some meaning",Suicidal +19880,"The suicidal ideation is getting worse every week. I wind up just sitting and staring off into space so much every day. I hate (passionately) my current job. Severely burnt out, barely make enough money, and usually I have to spend more than I even make. I just watch my bank account keep dropping and dropping. I have no skills for better employment. No college degree in anything, just a high school diploma. I realize I will have to spend the rest of my life working various jobs I am not happy in, to barely get by, and have to sell my soul to employers to do their bidding when they ask. I no longer wish to be a part of this machine that chews up and spits us all out. What is there to look forward to?They say it is the little things you enjoy, but what if those are no longer enough? A hobby that used to bring me great joy is now just a chore. I do not know how much longer I can keep living. The pain just gets worse and worse, and I keep fantasizing about ways to harm myself. I will keep searching for a suitable way to end things as I know there is nothing that can be done to change the system. Life is a joke but I did not get the punchline",Suicidal +19882,"My main plan to kill myself is sleeping pills and carbon monoxide. that is not very accessible for me, so I thought it was a good plan - in the sense that I am not likely to do it.But my thoughts have been getting worse. I remember a friend telling me they found an OTC cocktail on the internet. I am going to try to find that recipe and create a plan b, because honestly I cannot do this shit anymore. Plan B",Suicidal +11409,"I could not make myself get up. I feel like my therapist is annoyed by me, and my husband does not know what to say. I have made attempts before but I really do not want to go to the hospital. I am just kind of scared of my own self right now. did not get out of bed today, I feel so alone.",Suicidal +37601,goodbye everybody abusive dad bullying being a wimp because i never had a father figure in my childhood never getting to fuck the girls i wanted to fuck never having a say in anything becausei am too weak to step up three tours in iraq killed people who tried killing me saw those people kill my friends lost both legs to a roadside i ed wanted to become a physician but dreams are exactly that a fantasy and not something achievable spent 10 years in prison after cops ransacked my home and found 5 grams of weed i grow tired of wading through this hell every day ive been waiting for this moment for a long time and i have a 9mm ready to get the job done quick and clean fuck this place,Suicidal +7287,God this world is just fucked with the economy making it so hard for poor people to become wealthy and terrible rich people staying rich by garbage companies that we cannot stop supporting because we need their products I do not want to become an adult and have to live in this cesspool and no major political people do shit because they are shit I cannot do shit because I am a failure AH FUCK MAN. the longer I go the more I come to reality that maybe this is it Ill just have to get over it and become another worker in a society that does not care and instead idolizes human garbage. do what you love and enjoy life while I do not hate people who say that and instead wish them the best for wanting to do what they love its just impossible to do what you enjoy without having this huge fucking wall that stops you because ironically you need money to do. We have a whole planet to explore and even the whole solar system and other major discoveries waiting to be found and yet were stopped by stupid people that cannot get over the fact that someone is not the same race sexuality or gender as them. And here I am on Reddit ranting about a dogshit world because that is all I can do its too difficult to have a voice in this world so all I can do is post on a subreddit that probably will not even get noticed. Fuck this world man This world is so shit but we cannot do anything about it,Suicidal +36373,,Suicidal +9103,"I have suffered from serve anxiety ever since I was 17 years old and I was diagnosed with depression once when I was 18 and I somehow managed to beat it back then. Anxiety never left me, it is been there ever since but I learned how to manage it. Now I am 23 years old, trying to get out of my parents' shelter. Unlike a lot of people here, I believe my problem is not with myself but the people in general. You might say that statement in simple words just means ""I have a problem with myself"" but I do not believe that anymore. I have not had a lot dark thoughts during these past 5 years but now it seems they are back. I have been contemplating suicide a lot lately. The only thing that holds me back is my family. I do not want to hurt my parents and my younger siblings because I know that would be devastating to them.I am ashamed at myself because I should be making my parents proud and be a good role model to my siblings and not be a crybaby on this subreddit but here I am. I feel hopeless. I lost some good friends, I hardly had any relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. I was cheated on and I was betrayed by people, even best friends I considered as brothers. it is like everything has happened to me, what is left?! I got in conclusion that this world is full of egoism, narcissism and cinism. I think trying to be a good person never works here. This world is full of hate and full of people whose only intention is to fucking destroy other people. I think there is nothing left for me here, absolutely nothing. Why keep living in such circumstances? Why live among these people? I feel such a stranger to everyone. I am tired. I am so tired of holding on. I am so tired of keeping these things inside. I am so tired of hanging around people acting like I am not crying every night and day. it is been two goddamn months, it is not leaving. I need to see a bright day for once ffs, this is cruel. I am tired",Suicidal +10843,I think I am done and I do not know what to do anymore. Is it really worth being here anymore? I have so much to live for but it just does not seem to be enough. I am hurting those around me more than helping. Surely that means it is time??? I think I am ready to go.,Suicidal +8889,"listen, i cannot forcefully stop you but i can explain my story.back when i was severely suicidal (on watch 24/7) you could not even TAKE UR EYES OFF OF ME. i was just so tempted to do it i just could not resist.i still have my battle scars to this day.before i was admitted to the mental facility, my brother told something to me that i will never forget to this day; ""i may sound like an idiot, but you do not want to go the easy way out, you got to go the hard way out."", life has its moments, that does not change ur value.we all go through tough time, my dudes, and we have all experienced the thoughts.but when you feel such, think about the people that love and care for you, without you, the world is hopeless, we all have no hope. what can we do without you? were nothing without you. you are the glue that is holding this failed 4th grade science project we call **life.****When we recognize that someone is having suicidal thoughts, and we reach out, we are instantly planting a seed of hope that they are not invisible, that they are not alone.** **-misty vaughan allen** advice for the suicidal or the thinkers",Suicidal +7601,"I will just introduce a bit.I am 21 years old.Currently on an internship away from home.I have struggled with depression on and off. But lately suicidal thoughts have been worse than usual.It keeps returning.Every morning I just want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Every night before I go to bed. Same thing.I will be honest. If it were not for my lovely parents I would have done it. I feel lonely, I feel like there is avoid inside of me.I work in hospitality and with children.And I can smile temporarily when I can bring people a good time. But I just feel like my smile is not going to last forever.I feel like I am rotting away on the inside and I just do not know what to do with it.I have been procrastinating on my school assignments. I just want to lay in bed. But even that is starting to be invaded by my suicidal thoughts.I just do not know anymore.What do I do with it? Why does it keep returning?",Suicidal +20307,Please I really need help I cannot do this anymore I am so overwhelmed I really need someone to talk to,Suicidal +13091,Is there anyway to block search engines from going to the suicidal hotline for researching how to die? This is fucking annoying that I had to even tag a group for posting. Death filters,Suicidal +8733,"I did my best to stay alive, everything keeps getting worse, I am falling deeper and deeper into this black hole that I cannot come out of. I am tired of how my family treats me, I have nobody, they do not understand how I truly feel. I have smiling depression, I never tell anyone I feel bad, I am always there helping everyone else because I do not want anyone to feel this way. I would not be missed if I died. I am sorry..",Suicidal +24947,"Should I link their username? Or the post? I do not know the proper way to do this, I just freaked out and want to encourage them. A guy on another one of my posts posted a comment about a bullet being put in his head would make his day better. Can we show him some love? I want this person to know their life matters",Suicidal +35898,"RT @Soulwhisperer3: When you're tired of living your life, all you can do is close your eyes and go to sleep...",Suicidal +11672,"Good evening i hope everyone is doing good , i honestly just need an advice if possible .So basically i decided to breakup with my partner who is depressed and suicidal ( pls do not judge me for that) I am really mentally drained and not doing good at all , anyways so just after breaking up he said that he is going to kill himself and similar stuff , he usually guilt trip me whenever we argue or just starts crying but this time it got out of hand and i really do not know what to do anymore . Idk i just need help pls .",Suicidal +24319,why cannot anything go right why does everything have to be so un fucking bearable why am I still getting mad over the pettiest things why am I still alive why am I still not good enough why cannot I just die I hate this world (and all who inhabits) and I do not want to live in it for much longer,Suicidal +11491,"I am anorexic. I have knocked on deaths door many times in the past. But never like this. A few days ago, it was 30c here. I was shivering the entire day. Even while wearing a full sleeved shirt. My hair is falling out again, my chest pain has never been worse, I cannot be up on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time, I have never been more tired. I could sleep all week and I would still be tired. It seems like my body is preparing itself for eternal sleep. I have even started to look like death. Quite recently, I had the misfortune of seeing myself in the mirror and I have not been able to get that image out of mind since. My bones are sticking out from places I did not even know they could. I am going to die :). I feel like I am being tormented but I have never been closer to death and for that; I am grateful. I am going to die anyway",Suicidal +37044,I fucking get it that I’m almost done with the semester but I feel like it’s too much shit I have to do. I feel lik… https://t.co/rmKzCdSSNI,Suicidal +15478,i decided i would jump off the roof of my apartment building. mainly because its the easiest to do. cyall in the afterlife it ends tomorrow,Suicidal +8028,"I really wanted to go to my newly-discovered favorite shop by myself tomorrow, I have got some ideas of nice things I wanted to get that might help make me feel better, in an area that feels good and right. I think I need to make it through the night so that I can do that. If I do stupid things tonight, then I cannot go. If I hurt myself too badly I cannot go. If I do something stupid I cannot go. I need to at least make it through for that. I think I want to do this tomorrow..",Suicidal +7983,Sitting in the darkness with a knife in hand. Held to my chest. Waiting for either sleep or depression to win. Another one of those nights,Suicidal +8685,"I will die in peace , i will let society eat and kill each other to death, i just do not want to be a part of this madness anymore, I will be free like the dead people",Suicidal +14530,"you will regret it. If you kill yourself and get reincarnated where you are, you will regret it. If you kill yourself and go to heaven you will look back and think what a waste of what I grew/had. If you kill yourself and cease to exist, nothing will matter. So might as well get up, go do what you can to heal others and yourself before you die.I think this is the conclusion I have come to after years of this. If you kill yourself and go to hell...",Suicidal +26162,"I am just going to kill my self, I mean like I am 13 and i cannot even do one thing right. For the past month I have been trying to fix my sleep schedule to fix my fucked up life to maybe fix it and every time I mess up every single time. And not only that every person that i have ever met either moved or does not care about me anymore. At school my grades suck ass because I do not even imagine what I am going to do the in the future if I decide to stick around, even if I try to get my grades up my adhd will not let me. And I do not have anything to do. Why",Suicidal +22262,"I can keep my hygiene up and cook and clean the apartment and spend time with the people I love. But if what I am doing does not make mw money, its worthless. Capitalism won, I give up. I am just a pawn, an asset. Count every penny I make every day so I am sure I can keep eating. And if I am not making enough then what is the point of breathing?? All I am is a worker. If I am not working I am not worth anything.",Suicidal +17849,"I do not condemn anyones decision to take their own life. This world we live in is truly awful and we all know it. I know how hard it is to feel desperately alone. I am just asking to please think about your loved ones before you go through with it. On July 5th my 15 year old cousin attempted suicide via firearm. Fortunately I was able to see him the day after, though in an hour or two they will take him off life support and he will pass away. Me and him had nearly identical situations growing up, and I am overcome with guilt because I just know there is something I could have done to let him know he was not alone. My grandparents have to go in and say goodbye to one of their two grandsons for the last time. My aunt and 12 year old cousin are not doing well either. My cousin has to grow up without her only sibling, her older brother. My aunt will live out the rest of her life feeling she failed her only son. My sisters have to go to bed tonight knowing that our cousin that we grew up with will not be alive when they wake up.I am not trying to dismiss anyones pain here. I know how hard it feels everyday to keep going. I have been very suicidal in the past and the idea of me giving my pain to the people i love the most, namely my two sisters, has kept me from going through with it. All I am asking here is to please think about those that love you. Please reach out, talk to someone, do what you have to do. I am a person who has struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past and now my younger cousin will be taken off life support tonight",Suicidal +15054,"Hello...My Name is Lia, I am turning 17 in August and I have struggled with mental illness since I was 11. I have tried so hard to get help and have been to over 10 therapists in 6 years. Teachers, parents, friends I have tried talking to all of them but they either do not listen/care or give up on me (mostly teachers in that case) saying I am to difficult.I have self harmed since age 11 as well but was clean for 2 years at one point due to my mum threatening to leave if she saw me do it a third time (she caught me twice at that point). I was admitted to hospital by my school in 2019 (I am in college now in the UK) and was discharged the same day because my father told me to lie (to which I did) and the doctors said my cuts needed to be deeper in order for me to be depressed. I recently relapsed into self harm again and nobody seems to notice. My friends mother even told me to my face that I was not going to commit suicide because she said I am not that severe. there is much more to my story...so much more I could write a book. I have a very limited life. I get the highest grades possible and generally try to be a decent human being. I have strict and controlling parents who would rather ignore my mental health just to keep their good parental status.I am on the brink...I planned my suicide a few months ago but not sure if I will go through with it (only 2 people are aware of this). I feel trapped and confused. I cannot get a mental diagnosis because my parents would have to get involved and I want to keep this family together whilst I am on this earth. Please do not tell me to be positive or to just leave my parents It is much more harder than you think. Young and on the brink. I feel so alone and I know it is going to be the end soon.",Suicidal +12507,Ich will mir das Leben nehmen hat wer ein paar Tipps? Kein plan ob das die richtige Gruppe dafr ist ich verzweifelt und wei nicht mehr weiter I wann kill my self does anyone have any Tipps? I know that this is not the right group for this but i do not care (Sry my Englisch is bad asf) Suicide,Suicidal +24931,"Gambling ruined me. Gamblers anonymous over the phone or zoom sounds absolutely insane and things still are not even open here in Ontario.I give up. If I was not such a coward Id already be dead. Its easier for me to just not function at all until I get really ill. Its normal for me to not eat or brush my teeth for days or even up to a week at a time when it comes to hygiene lol and either I stay up all night or sleep or sleep for like 30 hours there is no in between. I hate being social. I hate the thought of a job that does not consist of me sitting behind a screen. I have no education, live with mental health issues and I am better off to just relapse on meth or drink daily then actually try to fix myself. I cannot take the pain anymore or thought of having to live like that once again so I just lay here. One day I will get the courage to end it all. Life with no money and no friends",Suicidal +21707,"I do not know what to do anymore. I withdrew from school back in February on account of having a sort of mental breakdown, in which my mental health tanked and I became severely depressed and anxious and was afraid to leave my dorm room. I became obsessed with my academic success, my friends well being, and my cleanliness to the point where it came before anything else in my life. I did not eat, I barely slept, and my intrusive thoughts began to take control of my brain. I was constantly dissociated, paranoid, and I had began to convince myself if I purged myself of everything I owned and cut off my arms I would finally be free of the burden of existence. I just could not stop thinking about much room and space I took up. I eventually had to withdraw to prevent academic failure, and I have been home since.In the past couple months, I have been seeing a nurse practitioner and a therapist once a month or so, and I have tried various medications but nothing has been really working for me. My nurse practitioner suggested that I should try intensive therapy instead, as it might be more successful helping me with my problems.School is coming up in August, and I have signed myself up for classes, secured an apartment and even a job, but I am no where near the mental stability I need to be to go back to school. I thought I would be ready by now but I am not. I have tried explaining this to my parents, but I am met with toxic positivity and their usual explanations or solutions for my mood (ex: hormones, ""that time of the month"", bad habits, not exercising, not trying hard enough to get better, needing to change the way I think, needing to stop my bad thoughts, changing my diet, etc.), and it is like talking to a brick wall. I am slowly losing my mind. Living with them just reminds me of how alone I feel and how inadequate I am to my younger sibling (they have a license and a job and friends, where as I have neither). I have slowly began to plan towards the end of the month, which is when my drivers test is, is that if I do not pass, I will kill myself. There so many more unlisted issues I have been dealing with that are not on this post and to simply fail at yet another thing might send me over the edge. I feel like no one is listening to me even when i tell them in detail what is wrong. I do not know what to do. I just want to fade away and no longer have to deal with the burden of existing. I might actually do it this time",Suicidal +12437,I got this gun from my grandpa because he died. Anyways I ruined my chances by wasting all the bullets with it. Ironically when I was shooting it it was the most fun I have had in a while now it is just back to the sadness. Ruined my chance.,Suicidal +36331,"RT @shelbypie24: I saw a quote on Pinterest that said, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I hope that I don’t have a single bi…",Suicidal +20196,"I truly thought I had beaten my depression but then god said ""fuck you"" and I am right back where I started. I just cannot do this anymore. every time I get up I just get knocked back down. plus ADHD is not making things any easier. I can see myself deteriorating and I cannot do anything to stop it. I have just resigned myself to a life of depression. since I keep getting knocked down what is the point of getting up I am back",Suicidal +16152,For those who tried and missed. Which vein or artery should I cut to bleed myself dry. What are the mistakes and how tired Should I be in order to sleep after I cut the blood vessel and never wake up. Which one?,Suicidal +24598,"My life is going to end soon. I have only months left. No, I am not terminally ill. I just lost all my will to live. My life is not like I wished it to be. In Spring I wanted to go to therapy, but I no longer want that. I do not want to get better. I just want the pain to end.When I try to talk about these kind of feelings with my friends, they freak out. I understand that it is hurtful to hear these things from a friend, but they should understand I need somebody to listen to me. I feel so alone. I have never been happy in my life (36 years), but I never imagined that these deeps are possible. I do not want to sink any deeper, I want mercy. I am going to to die soon, and nobody listens to me",Suicidal +18262,"I do not know what to do anymore.I cry every day and struggle with bad thoughts any time any minor inconvenience happens.I love my boyfriend so much, more than anything and I do not want to leave knowing he will be so sad / mad / disappointed.I just am not happy with my life and I see no future in the world. I am plagued by ptsd from r*pe and I feel horrible all the time. I have given therapy and prescription drugs so many chances and each time I feel more defeated. I do not know what to do. I am tired of being sad. Hopeless but in love.",Suicidal +26038,"i have blocked everyone that ever cared about me so that they cannot talk to me. they will stop caring about it in a few days, then when this month is over i will kill myself by jumping off of a bridge with a backpack full of rocks to weigh me down. no one is going to stop me no one will love me therefore i am going to end it all at the end of this month",Suicidal +23580,About a year I made a huge mistake and I honestly cannot move on from it. I have really bad anxiety everyday and I just beat myself up for it every single day.I hate myself so much for it. I cannot move on,Suicidal +24434,There is not much other to say than I want to die I just want to leave this here so if I do kill myself all of you know there were signs obvious signs and they were ignored by everyone I know I hate being awake,Suicidal +8200,"I just turned 26 years old 2 weeks ago. In the course of those 2 weeks I have literally lost everything. I discovered my 7 year girlfriend cheated on me, I have lost my license (the only source of income I have was because I drove) I had a seizure while driving and wrecked my car, so I have lost my job. My girl was supposed to move into my apartment but obviously that is not going to happen. I am terrified all the time that I will have another seizure. I do not want to live like this. I have been drinking for the past week. I wake up in the morning and feel so much pain that I have to swallow some alcohol or else I cannot exist. Its stupid to expect someone to live like this. I have lost everything",Suicidal +14590,"I do not really know what to do right now because I feel awful and I feel sad and I feel so out of it but also so stuck in my head. I do not even know how I feel and I hate how my brain always goes back to suicide no matter how much I try to kick the habit.I will tell my brain to stop, that I cannot rely on suicide, that it is getting old, but nothing I can do will make it stop. I am tired and I am tired of never seeing my therapist, and honestly, I do not really even believe in therapy anymore. And I am tired of taking medicine because I do not really think it is doing much to me except making me bored and uncreative. And I know that is not the case. I know that I crave off of feeling in extremes and that not feeling in extremes does not mean that I am not feeling at all and it is okay to be baseline sometimes and that does not mean that I am not capable of feeling, ever.I just feel that at this point, I have exhausted all options. Any time I actually felt better was just me being distracted. I feel like I am never going to get better. I can grow up and graduate college and become a CEO or get everything I could ever want or change the world in any way I want, and I would still think about suicide.I feel like I should just give in and accept its control over me. I am so tired of it at this point. it is not even manic depression anymore. it is burnout, it is frustration, it is desperation. giving in.",Suicidal +25379,"I cannot imagine living like this anymore. My life has become just surviving day to day, its not even life anymore. My depression has got a bit better recently but only because its summer and after it ends, its going to be hell. Still do not know how, but I am reconsidering some options, i just need to find confidence to really do it (which I am most scared of obviously)I do not even have any goals or anything to looking forward to in life. I feel lost and alone, just like i lost some of my inner soul in past and now I am like trying to at least survive to another day expecting something will change it might get better or I would get better but it just will not. I cannot get over things that happened and i fucked up. I hate myself, my stupid brain and every single thing of myselfRemember that one time when you were young and someone asked you or you just imagine if you had milion dollars/infinte money, what would you do with it?Because now only think I would buy is gun and shoot myself. So, yeah.I am so done I need to urgently kill myself before this summer ends",Suicidal +8077,"No one love me anymore. that is all, I am now unloved forever Worth it",Suicidal +21250,I have decided against killing myself I just realized I still have a bet with a friend the bet ends in high-school I have not even reached high school yet so I am living for that bet sorry if I scared anyone Sorry for the people who saw my last post,Suicidal +25269,"Well.. that is it. going with pills. Paper note's ready. wish me luck. My life was full of misery, numbness and failure. really sucked to live this precious life the way i lived. I had no one close. did not fit in...could not. I was ""Strong"". had an ""Amazing"" gene. ""Straight A"" student. Maybe that is why she turned me down.. got addicted to bad stuff. Constant loneliness. i had plenty dreams. making tons money, proving everyone wrong..who am i kidding. Yeah, my family might get hurt by this decision. Sorry. but i guess i simply do not care... about anything at all.. I think god created me to be a loser clown in this world just so he could have a good laugh. To my poor, pathetic life, it is been a good journey. when it started. I wish i was better.cannot take this anymore. Bye. Bits of my last words.",Suicidal +36289,bruh i HATE myself a hot guy that i’ll NEVER SEE AGAIN says ONE THING to me and i’m like damn that would be cute to… https://t.co/GbaysqYRwU,Suicidal +23720,Please can i talk to someone? especially if you struggle with psychotic symptoms. I am so bad,Suicidal +12688,I do not see any reasons to wake up or to get off the bed I spend all day in bed,Suicidal +11738,"Its all I feel lately. About everything. Myself. My life.My job. My looks. My weight. My jealousy. Fucking everything. Every day I wake up, immediately seething at the thought of slogging through another worthless day. I have always had a short temper, but lately every single minor inconvenience sends me into an absolute blind rage. I want to break things. I want to destroy anything in my immediate vicinity just to quell my immense anger. I cannot fucking stand it anymore. I cannot even sleep right now because of how angry I am. How did my life get to this point? What happened to the innocent, wacky goof of a kid I was? What happened to my family. I used to love them. I cannot feel love anymore. I do not love anymore. I remember waking up on a Christmas Day, my mom, dad and sister all gathered around the tree. My dad was always the last to wake up. I could not ever really sleep back then. I remember staying by the tree all night, shaking the presents, trying to figure out what It was. Sometimes I would scratch a little bit of the wrapping off of the bottom of the present, then peek inside to try and see what it was. I am sorry mom. Sorry for being an ungrateful, worthless piece of fucking shit, ever since I was a kid. I am sorry you bore me. Pure Hatred.",Suicidal +21333,every thing that is supposed to matter to me feels so insignificant when I am constantly haunted by the fact that the people that i once found solace in and the people that i care about the most are not part of my life anymore and will not be for as long as i live. all because of me i cannot explain how much i despise myself. weirdly enough the lurking possibility of ceasing to exist is somewhat comforting. how can one possibly be expected to be ok. they are just thoughts they are not supposed to hurt,Suicidal +12293,"i tied a blanket around my neck and pulled it really tight but my head began pounding and it went on for over 10 seconds so i decided it was too long and loosened it. i did this again but same thing, head pounding and nausea. does this even count as one since i was pulling the blanket tight with both hands and if i did pass out, id probably just wake up again due to it loosening? does this count as a suicide attempt",Suicidal +25140,"Legit, what the fuck is the point of life.You live for what, 80 years on average, and ultimately die. does not matter if you become rich or famous, you are bound to die anyways.Most people have to suffer and work their asses off just to have a normal lifestyle.Every time my mom asks me, what I want to do with my life, I am like, ""I really just do not see a point.""Somebody enlighten me. Life is meaningless.",Suicidal +16697,"This time, I am suicidal logically. My future is a mess already. I am not this. I was capable. Then it took a nosedive. I just cannot stand it. there is no point in saying you have a future bla bla. No, I do not. I know about myself. I know it is going to be hard. Just pure torture. Why not escape now? I can see all the future suffering. I cannot escape that. I have to face it all. Too tired to say it all. Back on suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +22612,"I am almost 31. I miss having an amazing team and working on projects with people. But I left my job which was toxic but I was made to feel so much guilt about leaving. I have bpd, anxiety, depression, probably ocd and adhd, and definitely PTSD. Have been emotionally and mentally abused since the age of 12 by my father, and later on, men I have dated. I pushed everyone away (granted, they were not good for me) but now I am alone. Actually, I am surrounded by people who say they love me but I am alone on the inside. Live with parents. Cry about my ex. I am bored af. I do not want to eat. Stay in my room all day. I am ashamed to leave and see my father. My parents are narcs. Yes, I am in therapy and am not taking meds - had an awful reaction a few weeks ago! I want my life to begin but I just cannot do it! My brain. My effing brain will not allow me to move on and live!!! I do not even feel like volunteering bc I have got no one to help me. Like I need a healthy push. I can go on and on. I do not even know what I am doing here. Maybe I need some attention, maybe its a distraction from my head. God, how I wish I could nap and relax. How I wish my body and mind would just relax and stfu. I am ashamed & thought about ending it",Suicidal +24273,"Life is just not worth itLike people say killing myself will not end my ""problems"", i do not have problems i just have no reason to stick aroundim stacked up on meds and idk how long before I go i feel like I am a failure and existing is not worth it",Suicidal +22588,"Lately my only reason to keep going on is that online guy that I met weeks ago, he does not know but he is the only one who makes my life a lot better, I am waiting his birthday to wish him a happy birthday, because idk i want him to know that I care about him, and after all is one of the most amazing pp I have ever known in my life, even if he does not give a fuck bout me. I have so many siblings and my parents agree with the idea that if I die (only me) they will not care about it. Btw there is a lot of pp that talks to me, they only talk to me because they want nudes (I am a girl) and when I tell them that I will not send nudes they magically stop caring about me, even I remember when one of them who told me that he wanted a future with me :( and after negating to send nudes he forgot me. I am so worthless to anybody in this world there is nobody who at least give a damn bout me. But they are right I am so stupid, lazy, good at nothing and the anxiety helps me to fuck everything and I have not ever done a good thing for someone. I only wish that my online friend's bday were sooner and that he were able to live his life for the 2 of us. Thanks for reading :) tired, tired and tired",Suicidal +15639,"that I attempted suicide two years ago?I will not get into the reasons why I need to, but how can I start that conversation? He did not know me at the time. How do I tell my friend",Suicidal +19340,"Its not fair how I keep trying and nothing works. Its not fair how no ones there for me. Its not fair how I am too much of a coward to kill myself. Its not fair how I cannot get my friends to care about me or talk to me. Its not fair I am crying in the bathroom because I am fucking tired. Its not fair how people are dying right now and I have a life. A meaningless life. Every time I think something is going good, it never does, then I am back here again. I never wanted to be here and its not fair how I get treated like shit by people I value. How I look is not fair. Why cannot anyone be there for me? Give me a damn hug and tell me they love me. Fuck this shit man. No one cares about anyone. I hate it here. Its not fucking fair. I am so tired. I am just so tired of it all. Its not fair",Suicidal +21307,"Oh yeah, so why the fuck does he make ugly people? Why did he made me to be ugly and allow people to drive me to suicide? If God cares about me, then why the fuck is he so sadistic as fuck? I hope he is proud of himself! ""God do not like ugly""",Suicidal +21489,I almost killed myself last night. Then I almost cut myself again. Then I was lonley. No one cares for me. They hate me as I tag along with them sticking to them like glue. Everyone I meet quickly starts to dislike me and distances thenselves from me. I cannot do anything about it. The only way I can change my personality is if I am quiet and shy. And they still hate me because sometimes the old me comes back. Its bullshit. I hate me I almost jumped in front of a car last night,Suicidal +15139,"I have had a bad day at work. Its not unusual for me, but I am really struggling at the moment. I have had a number of jobs over the course of the pandemic. I work in social media marketing and strategy for an agency. And when I started it I was ahead of the curve. Now I am 39, nearly 40, the main breadwinner in my house, and I feel like I am no good at my job. Every time I start a job I start to hate it within months. I want a slower, easier job. But that is not where the money is. So I feel trapped. I know I should be grateful but I am tired of people telling me this. I do not feel it. I sit at my desk in my home office saying that I want to die. That I do not want to do this any more. I have the letter pre-written and saved for when I am ready. I have no sex drive or interest in anything at the moment. I am constantly tired. Apparently my testosterone is fine. My wife is unhappy about this situation, but she says that she loves me. But I do not love myself. I feel like I am only one step away from failure at home or at work. I am doing tasks at work that I have not done before. I am learning how to be a strategist on the job, but I do not have the energy or focus to put the extra hours in. I have ADHD and it all feels so messy and wrong. Everything I do looks like shit. I used to be good at this. I told my job I could do this but clearly I cannot. I do not have any friends to talk to. And I am almost tired of writing this. I do not want to go on Prozac again as I weaned myself off it at Christmas. This does not feel like a relapse. I have felt like this when on the medication. My ADHD medication does not work as well anymore either. I want to give my wife all of my money and just find somewhere to die quietly. I hate that it would hurt other people but I do not know what to do. I just want to die. I do not want to live in this world, everything feels hard, and I do not think I have the emotional or mental tools to handle it any more. I have gone as far as I can and I am just tired now. I do not want to do any of this any more. I just want the easy way out now. It feels like my time",Suicidal +23947,I want to die I want to die,Suicidal +11840,"I have a lot of friends (also really good friends who would probably be there for me), I have a intact family, I received good education, etc., but nothing prepared me for life. I really fucking hate living (was not always like that). I am 19 now and I just do not want to keep on living, basically everyday I wish I was never born, often I think that is stupid because there are good aspects too, but most of the time I am simply sad, exhausted (from Monday - Friday I wake up at 7:00am and start trading, because being rich would help me keep on living). I just want to be successful, work for myself and be independent and I am REALLY trying. But if I do not manage to have 1m in my bank acc at the age of 25 I will kill myself or join the Foreign Legion and wait to be shot in combat. I am what Americans would call popular, but I still simply do not want to keep going it so fucking hard and I just do not want to live the life everyone is living (working 9-5, etc). Just wanted to share because I simply cannot (I could talk to my friends and family but my brain will not let me) talk about what is been on my mind for quite a while now Feeling Lost",Suicidal +13272,I just bought a helium tank and everything I need. It was exhausting going out so I do not want to do the deed yet. I want to do it when I am feeling good enough to do it probably. The helium tank in in the back of my car so hopefully my friends will not look in there. I also put the other things in there. I hope they will not ask me to drive anywhere soon. I will probably do it tomorrow. If they found me out that would be fucked. I also want to be sure of my friends work shifts that day and how long they will be gone. I do not want to do it now and one of them pull up. So yeah if everything goes well I will be free. Going to die soon.,Suicidal +17579,"I am writing this while drinking a bottle of wine while crying and as the title says, i think I have instantly hit rock bottom, i thought i could not get any lower, when you try to come out about my depression here i am. I am planning on killing myself soon but i just felt i needed to put this.I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts, the notion of wanting to not have been born feels natural. I think it started when i was 4 and getting beat and locked up in a storeroom at home and getting bullied in school.One of my first memories was of my older sister getting dragged to the storeroom to be locked up while I stood there crying, thinking back, this might have been the first time i disassociated from reality i still remember how it felt like i had no control over my body just watching the movie play out. I try to pretend like those two years do not bother me but it does. I can still clearly see flashes of those 2 years and i hate it.There were about 3 points in my life where i resolved to kill myself: When i was 5, where a kid who was bullying me bit me on the face for using the toilet before he did and i was blamed by the school for starting the fight, i remember that was the first time i seriously thought of ending it, nobody would believe me because his friend said i started it. This was the first time you locked me in my room and looked out the window of my apartment and thought long about jumping. Eventually, i pussied out and i blanked out for a long time after that, i cannot even remember what happened after that it felt like memory only resumed after i saw my abuser get punished at 6 years old.The second time i resolved to unexist was when i was put into a school far away from my home, i knew no one there and as a person who is bad at talking i naturally got bullied, my already shitty health got worst, i had terrible stomach pains particularly in the morning, i was afraid to leave my home. My books were glued, table vandalized, i felt the whole class was against me. Then one day when a guy was pouring water on my table I snapped, i think i had my first anxiety attack, i pulled his arm hard thinking of smashing his face in, but then I instantly started crying, i felt intense fear, my heart was beating out of whack I felt like everyone was laughing at me, i could not breathe, my stomach churning, and my mind went blank. My teacher talked to me after class but at that point, I have fully disassociated I do not think i heard anything i just went ok for everything. I started skipping more classes feeling like my room was the only safe place, i fell asleep almost every night crying about how big a disappointment i was to my parents, how useless i am, i have no talenfs, i was only a burden on everyone, the only thing i deserved was to die. i was planning to do so but once again i pussied out my useless urge to live won out, because a man on youtube saved my life, he was a comedian from sourcefed at that time, his name was Steve Zaragoza when i was 13 he was pretty much what was keeping me alive with sourcefed table talks, and what he said i think pretty much saved my life, he said the stopped getting bullied because he became the funny kid. So i became the funny kid, i started craving attention, everyone liked me, i was the goofy fucker, one of the class clowns, but that was only temporary.The urge to end it lessened and i soon started going to the gym.I was getting better. I was at 105Kg (about 200lbs) back then and through out 2 years i lost about 30Kg ( about 65lbs). I thought that at that point i would feel happier and more confident i would become OK, but it did not the thoughts at the back of my head still remained. i went off the diet and i gained back all the weight by the time 6 monthes passed, every though i ate normally, this shit just made me give up hope losing weight.The third time in the past i tried to end it was when i was in 2018 (at about 17 and 18 years old) , i went into the school i wanted; the school and course my parents wanted i thought i was happy my sense of self worth was at its peak and i thought i had made my whole family proud being the topp 10%, but of course again i was wrong i could not handle the pressure of my course, i coundn't wrap my head around the subjects taught and from that pressure i decidedd to run away i skipped my, classes, my exams, dropped ou, planned to work for a while go on holiday and then end it after the holiday settleing some loose ends. I Planned to die, did not decide the method this time but it was what i felt was rock bottom. I never tried to tell anyone besides as disgusing it as a joke to friends, never said anything to to family, or to any doctors i just kept it to myself, because i thought no one deserves to be burdened by my shit and i was embarrassed and scaredBut i think the reason i did not kill myself was my niece, i watched over her often as my sister was working and her father was a piece of fucking shit. I felt like i was her father i felt like i had to be there for her, i did not want her to have a shitty shildhood, i wanted her to grown up healthy and sane.Turns out i was ok with working i enjoyed my time talking to customers, the pay was enough, for me, and i felt like my life was amounting to something i felt sort ok and then covid came knocking and the lock down began. The lockdown brough my family closer, i soon had a nephew too and felt responsible for him soon after. I wanted to be there for them. I want them to be fuckin normal people unlike me me. I wad happy for a whiel.Now brings us to current times, lockdown is over, i was conscripted into the military like every other man in our ountry. I went through my 1 month basic trainig thinking, i would get a job that would let me go home everyday like a 9 to 5, but i did not, i had to stay in a military camp from sunday night to friday, i cannot see my familt, the thoughts were getting more and more frequent and i after just a few weeks of staying here the feeling of it feels stronger and stronger, but i could not just leave my friend to handle everything, so i endured for a while.Yesterday at the military doctors office i just blurted out my anxious feelings and some outher shit that i could not put into words properly and he asks me to come back later but with my superiors and 2 other random guys in the office, i choked while they accused me of lying and lectured me about growing up and just deal with it while i was too nervous, i could not form a sentence, through the doctor saying why i did not highlight the issue to previous doctors, it did not make sense for me to say it now. I fully disassociated. I did not cry i just agreed with what they said like it was the truth, i had once again truly decidded to kill myself after 3 years.The first time i try to tell anyone about my issue did not belive me and instead put me through a interrogation, discredited and berated me the entire time. I have hit even lower than what i thought was possible.There is no hope, there is no meaning, i should not exist. My life has ni value. My wine is done and my drugs are in me hopefully this is my last day. Also sorry about the errors and long post. Good afternoon good evening and goodnight. Instantly pushed to rock bottom",Suicidal +7412,What makes it worse is she is white and I am mixed (black & white). Like think about how I fucking feel about my mom freely using the N word out loud (yes the entire word with ER on the end. Ugh I just cannot take it anymore. Every time she has said that I just get a stabbing pain in my chest like how can she do that with mixed kids who are half black. My mom just says the N word to insult someone,Suicidal +23567,But its too late now Too much trauma It cost me my life I wanted to be happy too,Suicidal +19393,"No one is probably going to see this or say shit but I want to die and that is all to it, but ok cannot because all objects I can use have been hidden and I am being monitored. If you are wondering why it is because my mother decided to get pissed off at me for telling her to stop stealing my shit, now she is made me feel like shit and she is said she would take me to my alcoholic fathers house and leave me there, yeah my sister said she would not let that happen but more much she can do when mom drags me into the car, so if I go to his house I know the first thing I am going to do, and it could end in two ways, me killing myself with his pistol or me running the fuck away and fast. No one wants to listen so I may as well rant on here, if I do not die I will post and update in a week, bye. I want to die.",Suicidal +19226,even though it feels like the next logical step I should not die and here are the reasons why1. I am incredibly inconvenient to my friends and family right now but I think Id be even more inconvenient in the short term and potentially in the long term if i died right now2. ultimately i would rather a good life than no life. like even though I really want to die Id still rather not want to die and I do not think I have exhausted my options and avenues for attaining that quite yetthose are actually the only reasons I thought there were more but I guess that is it. And they are pretty decent reasons. Like it would just be a dick move and its probably not the best option for me anyway yet i bet i want to die but I am brainstorming reasons i should not,Suicidal +20029,"I really wish I had the guts to Kill myself. But I cannot, I am just tired of life. I contemplate suicide everyday. Everyone around me is getting loads of job offers. I feel like an embarrassment and a burden to my parents. All these rejections have broken me. Everyone around me is so successful, they earn loads of money, they are happy and I am a loser. I cannot even talk to anyone because I am embarrassed of myself. Everyone has a purpose, they are busy with their lives. Why do not I have anything? I have skills and experience but I am not getting a big job offer. I cannot stop crying. Finally I have realised that I cannot compete with anyone because I am a loser. I will always be a loser. My best friend has a good life, a stable job and leads a exciting life. While I am here crying and trying every single day to get a good job. Everyone won but I lost everything. I feel alone, even when I go for a walk around my area I see groups of people being happy with their friends and enjoying life. They have nothing to worry about. They say that it gets better. But it is not getting better. It is getting worse day by day.I just needed to rant this and get it out of my system. I am embarrassed and I feel like a burden to my parents.",Suicidal +14152,"it is my birthday tomorrow, in the psych ward. It feels so strange to turn have birthday while being suicidal and wanting to die. Actually, I should be happy and grateful for the congratulations and presents, but all I want is to die. In the equivalent of ""happy birthday"" where I live, they sing, among other things, that you should live ""in hundred years"", it feels so strange. Also, spending your birthday in the psych ward feels terrible. The best present would have been to die. I am turning 16 tomorrow",Suicidal +15253,I am not going to do anything for the time being. but what is even the fucking point? my body hates me and I am going to die young anyways. I did not even get to experience life before everything was taken from me. before it was ruined. I have never been anything but a useless fucking sextoy. I just want to die more than anything at this point. Ill never be happy. its fucking bullshit. no one fucking helped me no one fucking stopped him. now hes dead without his family fucking knowing about how much of a piece of shit he was and now my entire life is fucking ruined because he decided it was a fucjing marvelous idea to rape a fucking five year old. fuck off I cannot believe this shit fucking happened to me the fuck could I have fucking done to stop him I fucking hate being alive knowing that I cannot take my own fucking revenge I cannot do fucking shit except for a painful fucking death because everyday I am in so much fucking pain and I am never fucking happy anymore. I just want to fucking die man I am so fucking tired my life is going to suck so much its not even fucking worth it anymore. fuck this shit I am so fucjing stupid I wish I really was a sex doll so I could have no consciousness or opinions on anything. I just exist to be fucking used I am so fucking angry when does this all fucking end Jesus fucking Christ do not want to do this anymore,Suicidal +19093,"When I started having suicidal thoughts, I assumed assumed they would end at some point. I assumed, that a new job, losing weight, having more sex, throwing myself into religion would heal me. But each day the thoughts are stronger.I do not know if I will kill myself but I am tired of feeling like this. Being depressed every day. Only having short bursts of energy.Everything I touch fails, every one I come close to ends up hating me. I hate myself on a consistent basis. I am always trying to change myself. And now I just want to end it all.The worst part is that I cannot speak to anyone about it... No one understands, no one can help. And most people feel a sense of enjoyment from hearing how much better their life is than mine. It really is a prison and there seems to be no way out.Is there anyone who has escaped? Like really escaped? It never ends.",Suicidal +7926,"Sometimes I feel like I may be able to help others and really demonstrate support and care but I just cannot get the words or ideas to say it. All can do is read you pals and gals knowing that you are probably much younger than me ...when I did not know of this sub existence that has helped me a lot through very nasty moments.I am sorry, I really am. I wish I could come on here and say something useful.",Suicidal +36192,https://t.co/6MPqRunPeX https://t.co/6MPqRunPeX,Suicidal +24904,From where I am from you could get jailed for suicide attempts so i never had called the number. My friend did however many years ago when she suspected she was pregnant. I am scared if I call the number the police would arrive to my house and arrest me. I do not know where i could get propper help. I was hoping to wait till I am 18 to work and get propper help but I am not sure if i can wait till then. Questions about the suicide hotline.,Suicidal +7429,"I am currently in a living situation that is far from ideal and becoming unbearable. I need to move out, but I feel immense guilt and concern because of how much I am needed here. Ill start by explaining my relationship with my family. Older brother (X): My mom and I immigrated from Cuba when I was 4 years old. I am now 21. We had to leave X behind (we are 11 years apart), and he did not come to the US until I was 16. Because of the cost of communication and our extreme poverty throughout those years, X and I did not get to know each other at all. When he came, he felt like a stranger that I was expected to love because of our blood relation. From the ages of 16-21, he has engaged with my body in sexual manners without my consent (grabbing my ass, slapping my ass, getting on top of me, removing my clothing, forcefully entering the bathroom when I am showering, and looking at me naked, etc.). No one is aware of this except my therapist. I should mention that he is an alcoholic, and some of these instances occurred when he was under the influence. About 2 years ago he moved out with his girlfriend, but they recently broke up so he moved back home. I am now living with him again. Younger brother (Y): Y and I are also strangely enough 11 years apart but on the other end. He is such an impeccable human. He is my best friend. Watching him grow up has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. Unfortunately, the responsibility is too much. His dad passed away when he was young so it was only him, my mom, and I until 2016 when X moved to the US and joined us. My mom had to work a lot, and I was relied on to take care of my Y. This had an extreme effect on my education, extracurricular, social life, and mental health. I did not sign up to become a parent. Apart from financial support, Y relies on me for everything. My mom relies on me for everything. Mom: This is, of course, the most complex relationship I have. However, I will not go into as much detail. She treats me like a child, does not allow me to see friends, constantly making homophobic remarks (does not know I am gay), constantly offending my expression or lack thereof, does not support any of my decisions, forces me to shave armpits and legs because it is gross and is unladylike, cannot talk to her because everything turns into an argument.... the list truly never ends. - But she needs me to take care of Y, translate every document, upkeep the house, etc. I understand her pain and suffering. She has been through so much. And I know she truly does need me. This is why I am still here. I am needed. I am afraid of what will happen to them without me. But I am tired! Of being used, disrespected, neglected, uncomfortable, abused... I am so exhausted. I need to focus on my life. I need to prioritize myself- but I cannot. I am stuck. We are all currently living in a small 2 bedroom house. My mom is sleeping in the living room while Y and I share a room and X has his own. I am in college but because of the pandemic, I am staying here. I probably will be taking the upcoming semester off because its too difficult to do school here. A few weeks ago I was suicidal, and I almost did it, but I realized that the reason I wanted to kill myself was also the reason that I could not. I am in therapy for severe depression and learning how to socialize. I also experience derealization often. I do not know what I want to receive. I just needed to release. Thank you for listening. I was suicidal, and I almost did it, but I realized that the reason I wanted to kill myself was also the reason that I could not.",Suicidal +13929,"I honestly do not know when the last time I will post on this subreddit will be. Might be today, tomorrow, next week, maybe even next month, god knows. So I just wanted to say goodbye for if I do not come back, if I do not post again within the next month, just assume I am dead. Thanks I guess, not much else to. I am just tired of constantly venting and telling everyone else about my suffering. Goodbye for now, thanks for everything",Suicidal +9506,"Do ya'll think there is a chance that I will be dying soon? I have been coughing non stop, I have a high temperature, I sometime struggle to breathe, and I have lost my taste and appetite.",Suicidal +25668,"My friend and I who drifted but were still friends just told me to kms. I do not know what I did but just knowing that he was there for me made me happy. He was one of my only friends(and I hope this is all a sick joke)but I do not think he wants that anymore. I have but one other friend (I am 15 btw) and I know how much it would impact everybody if I really went though with it. I know that making this post is pointless and maybe 4 people are going to see it, I just needed to vent. Wow",Suicidal +22828,"My dog is the only reason I have stayed alive for the last 7 years. he is a beautiful German Shepherd, but he is starting to slow down and he is been having some health problems. I am hopeful he will be around much longer, but I am terrified.I do not know what I will do when he passes. Every time I have worked up the courage to kill myself, the thought of my dog trying to find me and then living the rest of his life without me makes me cry and eventually I snap out of it. I am not prepared to lose him and I do not think I will ever be ready. My dog is getting old and I am terrified",Suicidal +22765,Alright have it all next to me love you bye Coutnig down,Suicidal +20173,"Just turned 38 a few months ago and I am alone and lost. I do not see myself lasting much longer if nothing really changes in the next year or so. I have been like this for a while and it tells me that some things may not be fixable. I wish there was something to keep me going but I do not see anything on the horizon. If I could hit the reset button and start over, maybe I could have done better but who knows.This cruel world just chewed me up and spit me out. Now I think it is time to move on. My time is running out",Suicidal +11803,"I am planning to km soon. I do not know if i should write or tell my friends that i will be gone. I do not want them to feel sorry or guilty. Whould you prefer getting that message from ur friend or not? I want to explain why i did it, thank them for everything and say goodbye Suicide note",Suicidal +8698,"I am afraid of myself. I have bottled my emotions for so many years. Also, I have a poor anger management. This year, every time I experience a small inconvenience, I release a little bit of that bottled emotions. I am afraid that I might release it all at once at some point. I am afraid that once all my bottled emotions have erupted, I might hurt others. That is why I try to isolate myself to other people because I might hurt them. Since I still live with my parents, I also try to stay away from my siblings and my parents because I might hurt them. I do not wish to come to a point that I will hurt my parents or siblings because of my mental instability. Because of this the only thing that comes to mind is to you know, kill myself. I am really sorry to post here. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems, I also cannot afford to go to a psychologists because of financial problems. Sometimes I cry by myself because I am so disappointed to myself. I am really afraid that I might get crazy in the future :((. That is all, thank you for reading my short post. I am really afraid",Suicidal +19148,i cannot understand my mind i do not care about my body nor i listen to it. I am not good at being a person I cannot be around people to recover but being all alone would not make it any better. There is no way out for me here other than suicide.I do not want this to be real but I feel like the universe does not really have an other choice for me. I doubt it ever did. I am not good at being a human,Suicidal +22391,"I cannot get it out of my head. I want to be dead. I want to kill myself. I keep imagining taking a belt and wrapping it around my neck and hanging myself. Would it even work? I fucking hate everything and everyone. I cannot do any of this anymore. what is FUCKING WRONG WITH ME. I have NEVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH. WHO CAN I BLAME BESIDES MYSELF. I HATE EVERYONE SO FUCKING MUCH. I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE!!!!I do not do anything I am a fucking loser. A loner. A pathetic, selfish, stupid piece of shit. Why cannot I just feel normal. Why cannot I just be fucking happy for once. My whole world feels like a fucking mess. I feel like a disorganized and stupid bastard. I cannot think clearly. I cannot focus on anything. How did this all fucking happen. How did we get here I need to go. I need to fucking leave. I cannot do any of this. I cannot do it. I just went on a terrible rampage and said things to my bf that I do not mean and should not have said. I am pushing him away with every emotional outburst. I am been self harming and all I feel is the sting of my cuts that is distracting me now at least. I do not want to be alive anymore.",Suicidal +13081,"I think many of you here must have a problem with a family member. Well what I feel is a huge hatred, I will never be able to erase from my memory the things that he already made me, as much as I wanted so much. Just remembering these events my body starts to have spasms of so much anger, my teeth close with a brute force (most of the time I need to to keep punching the air to calm me down). I really did not want to hate my dad, I do not care none of loving him, but I think it is fair not to hate him. I was wondering if any of you have any method to control anger, if you have, please comment. I hate my dad, he makes me want to kill myself",Suicidal +18623,"I do not want to work anymore. I do not have friends, I do not have a girlfriend. 99% of people I meet are just arrogant. I have musical passions but I am so tired. I think I might just want to go far into the woods and sit and rot. Why not. Thinking of going to go die in the woods.",Suicidal +17148,"(Tl;DR: I had two back to back suicide attempts and I feel like I died after the second one but nothing is there to prove it. I feel guilty about the amount that was spent on me in the hospital, and I am still immensely suicidal.) I had two attempts basically back to back, the first on June 1st of 2021 and then one on June 25th of the same year. Both of overdose on benadryl and prescribed Prozac. My first was alone on my favorite forest, I did it at 3 pm after I got off work and drove home at 11 at night. I was grounded for staying out past curfew and the friend B I had been 'messaging' during it (it was all gibberish on my part) had forgotten his phone in someone is car halfway through it. he is all I have. I was terrified the first time I tried to kill myself because of hallucinations, so the next attempt I did with him next to me. I got mad he stopped me, and a fight broke out. We drove to a nearby park and because he knew I would taken much more before and he knew I was afraid of the cops he just let me sleep it off in the bed of my truck while he was with me. He left me three hours in because a cop told us to leave (how the cop did not notice I was out of my mind is beyond me) so he drove home and thought I would have left the park but I just got back in and I drove back home at 4 in the morning. Went to bed, and woke up and I was still hallucinating so my mom took me to the hospital and then I was put in the phych ward for 8 days and put on new meds. I feel like I died this time. Everything feels so wrong. it is like everything is repeating itself. I do not know of its the new meds I was put on (which are not helping and I still want to die) or I did actually die or if I am just out of synch because everyone is tiptoeing around me because I am 'sensitive' all of a sudden. I just get moments of deja vu when I am working and it is just 'holy shit I died the last time I tried did not i' just every single time I get it it is the same feeling of 'I am still stuck even when I died. I am going to be stuck like this forever if I did actually die' each time. I just want to die. I have nothing besides the lack of romance that is pushing me and that is not even a big bother to me. I just want to stop hurting people I love and give them the freedom of not having to deal with me any more. My parents pretend they care because they have to and now I am just a waste of money again. A shitty cremation would have been cheaper and better than the amount they spent on me to go to the hospital and it did not even help me. I just want to die so bad. I feel like I died after my second attempt but I know I did not and I am still suicidal despite it.",Suicidal +7876,"I am still unsure about whether or not to kill myself but at least I have prepared this for when/if my family find out. I plan on visiting the train station soon, now let us see if I am brave enough to jump I have written my suicide note",Suicidal +17558,From a cliff into the sea.Thank you. What are the chances of surviving a 56 meter fall?,Suicidal +17429,I do not even know why I sleep so much. I am always tired anyway.&#x200B;>!Help me!< I wanted to do something productive today but I have slept for 14h again,Suicidal +19898,"I am a single 36 M I have been having suicidal thoughts since I was about 14. I feel the end is coming soon. I work a good job and have my own apartment and car I also travel regularly. I also have no friends I also have no motivation to make friends or meet women. I recently started paying for my cremation,no viewing or memorial, and the funeral home is disposing of my ashes. I also moved from a shitty apartment to e decent one, I quit drinking, I have sought out professional help but anything the therapists have said goes in through one ear and out the other. I am so sick of ""you are not alone"" and ""there is help"" i know that but I do not want the help. I am just waiting to pay off my cremation. As of right now I am just going through the motions and making it look like I am putting in the effort but the reality is my mind is already made up. My final purchase will be the .12 gauge I am using on myself, only reason I do not buy it now is because if be too tempted to use it. Well planned suicide.",Suicidal +16718,I am so fucking fat and its killing me mentally and I cannot handle it anymore I just want to throw up everything again. I am so so so so fucking lonely its sad and embarrassing and I annoy everyone around me. The man I am dating will not even talk to me and I thought he was special because he made me feel special. I am living in complete misery. And my closest friend literally traumatized me with how she used to treat me and I am so angry. I am going to completely fail in life because I am a fucking art major and idk what I am supposed to do. All I can think about is offing myself but idk what method. I think I am going to chop up my wrist or cut my neck again All I can think about is suicide,Suicidal +10764,"The world is so depressing I hate it. I just want to kill myself, and I found a way to do it. The US is falling apart, I think sometimes I can talk people into seeing the truth but all I get are insults I am just so mad I cannot fucking deal with conservative people they are ruining the world right now, talking people's rights away, wanting to kill people who do not think like them. I am tired of being mocked and told I am stupid or fat or I cannot do things cus I am a woman, I am tired of men, of bad drivers, or rude people, I am tired of living in a backwards town and worrying if I will give covid to my family again because no one will wear a mask. I am just so sick I rather kill myself. I am am stupid, I am worthless I am fat everyone can get fucked I hope this is the end of the world and we all fucking die... I will go first! See you all in hell. Fist time in a while",Suicidal +22244,"I had anxiety since age 11 and ruined childhood because of that. I had derealization and crazy anxiety attacks where I cried. I had no idea what was happening and could not really tell my parents what was wrong. Dad was an alcoholic but a happy type of drinker, mom worked very, very hard and got hooked on pills and occasional alcohol. We lived in a house with my grandparents that I loved very much. My mother made go to different school at 10 that I hated. It was further away, teachers sucked and schoolmates made it clear they do not like outsiders. I had a friend there that was most hated in my class therefore I was unpopular too. My dream was to leave that hell and study electronics. 5 years of torture left... But to be honest last two years were much better I got a PC and had something to talk about with others and also realized that so called friend was a liar and manipulated me. My mother did not want me to study electronics but chose another school instead. I was broken. I suffered from stomach issues and puked every morning. Classmates and friends were great though. The anxiety went away and depression started... The derealization was mostly gone but the depression kicked in and I started to loose interest in my hobbies. what is happening? I do not know maybe I am just sad that I am fat. So I lost weight. No that was not it and no my mother said I look horrible because I am skinny. I was always something I her eyes... You do not go out, you play too much, you read too much, other kids speak 7 languages, they have good grades, they do sport.... Depression destroyed my concetration and my ability to learn. At age 18 I had my first suicide thought. I was like: What the hell are you even thinking about?I wanted to become a detective so I went to law school and lasted 3 months. My world crumbled. Now what?? I was unemployed for months and parents hated me because I was a disgrace. I found a corporate job with help of my sisters husband. I lasted 3 days. Back to school I guess... I had no interest in math so tech schools were out of the question. I applied for social work and finished it. Somewhere in the middle I got an idea: I will learn math and apply for IT school and that is what I did. I worked hard whole summer. Then first semester started and I almost went crazy. It was hard to concentrate and I felt like my whole reputation depended on this. I will show everyone I am not dumb and lazy just a depressed lost fuck. I got a bachelors degree and realized corporate world is hell. In my new job I lasted three weeks before I got fired. They saw my complete lack of interest. My father told me I am a dickhead and I am a lost because. I wanted to jump out of the 10th floor. I still had people to live for. Dad died shortly after and my sister gave me a contact on her colleague that worked in IT withing the police in my city. They were looking for IT guys. I got the job I was really happy! I am still happy for the last 3.5 years. My sister tells me that without her I would accomplish nothing and she Is the only reason I have that job. This kills my self esteem. They (sister and her husband) are succesful and have money and they make fun of me for being a looser with no girlfriend. I never had a girlfriend. My only (girl)friend is and escort that I visit every two weeks. She was one of the reason I never killed myself. We really like each other and are good friends. I started with medication two years ago and it was the best decision. I discovered I am bipolar just like my mother but I have less serious version of it. Sport helped me and also a little discomfort. Try to go out. If you hate places with lots of people and loud music that is great. Do it. Your brain needs to get used to these stimuli. If you hate your job there is a chance you hate your city too and maybe your whole social circle. Just move to a smaller city and start over. that is my last resort if everything fails. Just do not fucking kill yourself. YOU WILL GET YOUR ENEMIES HAPPY AND THEY WIN. YOU WILL GET YOUR ENEMIES HAPPY AND THEY WIN.",Suicidal +20133,"I really do not understand why I exist. I have asked my mom multiple times and all she says is that its a blessing I am here.I could have a terminal illness and be stuck in a hospital and that other people would gladly trade places with me. I understand that but I am still depressed and unhappy. I will not ever be happy. I have been on 8 different meds in the span of 2 yrs. Felt like a guinea pig. None of them worked. I am about to go off to college but I feel pressured to go and I really hate school. High school was extremely traumatic. I do not like living here I want to travel the world and explore but that requires money. I just do not want to live a life where I get a degree with a mediocre job and still live a depressed life. Working in the fast food industry was a literal living hell and it sucks that ppl have to be forced to make a living with such small wages.I have made multiple attempts to die yet I am still here. I am so exhausted, the meds make me feel like I am half dead, I cannot feel anything. Cutting and music do not help anymore. I have no friends. So no one would truly miss me. I hope to be forgotten about and just fade away because its not like I am a memorable person I am shy and quiet. Easily forgettable. I am srry for ranting but I needed to vent :( I do not get it",Suicidal +12395,I never wanted to be born now I am fucked and have to struggle because I am too scared to kill myself Fuck god he is a piece of shit if there is a god,Suicidal +22468,Can someone who has attempted suicide please explain to me what they feel / go through when they attempt to end their life? I do not want to kill myself but often fantasize about jumping off a bridge or a building,Suicidal +26122,"I do not know if I am, 23 days left. I just want to switch off. I cannot do this shit anymore. Work is to overwhelming and my parents blame me for all the mistakes they make. I will be forgotten in a few years. Ready for death",Suicidal +25266,"why even bother going on anymore, it is fucking pointless. i just want to feel loved, but that is an impossibility, nobody wants to love me... i went through highschool thinking i would have a great life after i graduate, not a billionaires life, or a millionaires life. but one where i can pay my own bills and live in my own place without worry for money or anything like that, and maybe have a nice wife or girlfriend to go with it... now look at me, I am 26, living with my parents, working a fucking dead end job just like my previous dead end jobs. and i have a hatred for all human beings at this point, because human beings are shallow evil little things. you reach out for help, or reach out to someone to help them and it is all fucking pointless. i was going to school to learn a sort of trade, but as time went on i drifted further and further from it. it was piloting. a year before the pandemic i was dangling on the edge of quitting it. upon the advent of the pandemic i had dropped everything. my love for piloting and flying is gone, my love for my life long hobby of video games is practically gone, my love for people, all gone. i was doing ok in the pilot program i was in, up until i had to study for my exam before my final checkride. 50h of training and about $50,000 of my own hard earned money, fucking wasted. come the pandemic, i had a new senior flight instructor take over my school because the old one moved away. new guy is nice, but he is really green as an instructor and can say some really demotivational things. the most demotivational things was telling me ""you are going to have to start over training with me."" that is ultimately why i gave up piloting, it is not worth it, especially since most pilots do not get the dream job of 100k a year flying for delta/united/southwest/ect. my love life is an empty void and always has been. in school i was bullied in a rural town for being a gamer and not an athlete, i joined band and most of my peers in band also hated me, i reciprocated in kind because, what else is a kid going to do when he sees enemies everywhere he turns? when i moved from that shitty town my in highschool years, i hoped for a change for the better, but i still had a lot of my old defensive tactics deeply ingrained in me. the first time i had a girl genuinely show interest in me, i said no, i panicked, because there was just no way anyone could find me attractive, they have to be fucking with me, like every time before.now I am a fucking adult and i cannot talk with women, i cannot enjoy a conversation with them, without them feeling deeply disturbed by me. i do not even make uncomfortable comments about their appearance or any sort of crass suggestion or act. they just do not like me. being a guy and not having any sort of charisma is demolishing me. everytime i ask for help, online or real life it is a fucking waste. everyone treats me like some fucking incel. I am NOT a fucking incel, I am a depressed motherfucker that really REALLY #REALLY# WANTS TO FUCKING BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT BECAUSE PEOPLE do not SEE A SAD DEPRESSED MAN READY FUCKING COMIT SUICIDE they see an incel that deserves nothing but ridicule and death. nobody wants to be helpful, they just want to kill you, they want to murder you, your soul, you entire being, with words.i do have friends, but all of them are male, i have 1 single female friend, but i think she just keeps me as a friend because she has pity me and would likely drop me if she felt she had the chance to, like any other female ""friend"" I have had before. everytime i fancy a girl or just want to be friends with them, without exception, they do not want anything to do with me. at first they are nice, but then very quickly just coldy drop me. i do not send messages or calls like a fucking lunatic, i ask about as often as anyone would ask to hangout or talk or whatever, like a couple or a few times a week. i just do not understand wtf is wrong with me. because apparently I am not worth anyone's fucking time.my worst experience was with this one girl who always wanted to work with me at work, i never asked her to, she just wanted to. while working she would complain to me that she was going to die alone and never have a boyfriend and blah blah blah, mind you, she is drop dead gorgeous and has had plenty of boyfriends before, all of which SHE broke it off with them after about a year. i got sick of hearing her complain about this all the time around me and asked if she would like to go out with me, immediate 180 in mood and attitude around me, WTF? we hungout and played mario kart one time, and magically she is unavailable to hangout after that, always busy.it was not long til i heard from a mutual friend at work that she had been talking shit to our coworkers about me behind my back, i have done nothing to deserve this, never any sort of negative interaction from me to her, and she is spreading rumors and bullshit about me. i have since stopped talking to her, especially after she started dating one of my friends (whom i warned she would dump him after a year, WHICH SHE DID, he does not talk to me anymore, which I am also fine with since anytime i see him in person he wants to hangout, but when i contact him on his days off, he ""does not feel like hanging out"" ok fuck you too dude) with tears running down my face, what am i supposed to do? i have never had a relationship, and as time goes on it seems like a truly never will have a relationship. I will NEVER know what it is like to have a partner, i will NEVER know what its like to have someone to hold, I will never know the struggles or the ups and downs of a relationship and i most certainly will NEVER know what sex with someone is like, someone who wants you.people say ""do not worry, it will come to you in time, just do not think about it and it will just happen. i did that for 12 fucking years, nothing, not a goddamned thing happened, because as a guy YOU have to make the move, and as I have said, i have NO charm apparently. out of every time i have tried to hit on people in a subtle manner, or straightforward, it does not matter, they treat me with disgust. i have been told ""work on yourself, be confident and have a high self esteem"" i had that for a while, i even faked it for a while, same fucking results. it is all bullshit. ""we should be loving and accepting of everyone, nobody should live life unloved, everyone finds their person."" this is all idealistic BULLSHIT for an IMAGINARY IDEAL WORLD THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT EXIST. people die alone and broken, and that is largely because the people around them want to put you down and not lift you up. people take PRIDE in being abhorrently shitty to other people, people they do not know.&#x200B;so, again, why the fuck should not i kill myself? i will NEVER live the fulfilling life i would like, so why not just end my suffering now? because of the fantasy that it MAYBE will get better. fuck that, i do not work with probablies or maybes anymore, I have done that for too long, I am not going to live another 50 fucking years in a ""maybe it will happen some day"" mind set, that shit is poison.&#x200B;noones going to read this and especially nobody wilol have anything constructive to say to me, because honestly, I have heard it all. if you are, or ever were a human being on this planet, whatever your gender, sex, race, religion. it does not matter. if you are or were a human being, sincerely, fuck you too oblivion, and have the worst existence imaginable, fuck you and your accomplishments, because honestly, i know you would tell me the same thing you disgusting fucking psychopaths. i hate myself, i hate my situation and i hate the world",Suicidal +6998,"Everyone in my schooling system thinks I am autistic but I really faked it so my school work would be easier, I stopped going to school because I do not fit in there with anyone and nobody likes how different I am, I have problems about my body I have a dent on my chest and it makes me so self conscious I cannot do anything that requires me to not wear a shirt or people laugh at me and call me an alien, I have a gf but as of recently she is been loosing connection to me since she has her bestfriend back she does not want to be my bestfriend anymore, I have some friends they are really nice but I do not think they understand me, I think that my Dad hates me because I am not the son that he wanted, I feel like a disappointment to him and my family name because I am ""autistic"" and I have not gone to school for 3 years and I feel weak because I was molested and used when I was 10. I am 17 years old. I do not have a job and I used to be a drug dealer 1 year ago just because I hated going to school, when I was dealing I was addicted to MDMA and Xanax, they have both helped heavily with destroying my views and how I see myself, I have lost all of my happy emotions the only feelings that I feel is sadness and hatred to who I am. I cry almost every day of every hour just because living in my body hurts my soul so much. I do not belong on this planet or in this body. I hope nobody feels the ways that I do it is a shit feeling, I just needed to get this off my chest. I am planning on trying DMT as I have experienced LSD over 30 times but I would just like to try it to see if it changes anything about myself and if it does not change me I do not want to live here anymore. Sorry for huge wall of text Ik a lot of people on this subreddit probably do not actually care about anyone venting you all just care about punctuation and karma but I am doing it anyway I do not feel comfortable on this Earth anymore and I want to die",Suicidal +18177,"Life is like hell, i want to die by any mean.No one wants me, and i have nothing to live for.Is there any way i can kill myself with it with 0% failure rate? Look like i live in hell and i cannot get out it",Suicidal +23066,"I am at a breaking point with my life. Genuinely I do not want to do this anymore. If anyone is willing to read this and just respond I would appreciate it. I feel so alone.I had a super rough childhood and never learned to self soothe, ended up with BPD OCD and CPTSD. My dad is a meth addict and my mom only started to really understand her own emotions whenever I was 16, before that because of her trauma she had no idea how to handle emotionally kids and would be super mentally abusive.I had my first kid whenever I was 17, and then twins whenever I was 19. Both of the dads were very abusive, cheated on me frequently and I did not understand leaving a relationship and grieving through it, so I just ended up staying and now have severe self esteem problems. I attempted suicide several times before I was 20, but obviously failed. And for a long time I was grateful that I lived. I also ended up with addictive issues pretty early on, around 12 I started self harming and at 15 started drinking heavily that quickly turned into meth by 19 and heroin by 23. I lost my kids to cps when I was 21, and could not get sober before losing the case and my aunt and uncle adopting them whenever I was 22. This was in 2017. My aunt and uncle are extremely religious and verbally abusive. My cousin came out as gay and all my kids get to see is them disowning him and telling him he is going to hell and that gay people are bringing on the rapture.I have only seen my kids two times in the past two years, and each time is re traumatizing for me. I will always take any chance I have to see them, and spend all of the time I can with them while I do. But leaving them causes me to spiral for months after. I do get tk FaceTime with them once a month if my aunt and uncle let me.I have been off of meth and heroin for 3 and a half years now. I stayed completely sober for the better part of a year, I did still smoke weed but that did not affect other parts of my life, and was actually helping me with my mental illnesses.I began a relationship with my current partner right around 8 months into my sobriety. I ignored every red flag and felt as if I could just micro manage my way into a good relationship. Thanks BPD. This relationship has been super toxic and damaging to my mental health, but I cannot make myself leave. I do not have a fear of being single, I actually fantasize and crave being alone and working on myself. But everytime I try to leave him I end up changing my mind and 'working on things'. He is emotionally unavailable and in a lot of ways gaslight the living hell out of me.I started using pain killers with him as well, but once he started having tremors he stopped and I kept using them. He has no idea that I have this issue, but whenever my emotions get too big it shuts them down. Or when I feel alone or hurt or like I want to die. Tbh using them has also kept me from making any real changes with my life and has only aided in me adapting to my current situation.I have been trying to work with a therapist but everytime is ee her all I can talk about is how shitty my partner is being. I cannot focus on making any real change and my therapist pretty much can only tell me what I already know (being gaslit and being with someone who is on a different level than I am emotionally) and tell me the only way to love forward is to leave him. I agree with her, but for some reason I cannot do it.I feel like I am stuck, I cannot make any decisions I cannot change any part of my life all because something is me switches (I think it is called splitting). So whenever I try to break up with him or change jobs or whatever else I split and my entire thoughts around it changeI do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to figure out my emotions. I do not want to feel anymore. I spend the majority of my time trying so hard to figure out why he hates me so much or regretting my life choices that ended up with my kids being in this awful situation or trying to fight off images of killing myself. My ocd has gotten so unreal recently and it is impacted Mt day to day life.I do not know what to do or where to turn to for support. Literally no one I talk to understands what I am going through on any deep level. I feel so unbelievably alone. I have bene trying to find codependency meetings in my area but there are not any.I do not know what to do. I want advice on steps to take that I can wrap my head around. But that does not seem real, or seems like an excuse in my mind to ignore the obvious.I KNOW leaving him would benefit me tremendously and that I could start to heal from there, but my brain literally will not let me. We live together and work together and own a car we are paying off together.I want to die, but I am coming here as a last ditch effort to be heard and maybe hear from someone who has an understanding or any advice.I am so sorry for formatting and length and totally understand if the read is too long. Last ditch effort. I feel so alone.",Suicidal +18442,"I have been very ""brave"" lately about taking action, but fear has been consuming me in a way that I have been doing nothing for days. I gave up my job, I am thinking about dropping out of college (this will happen at some point) and I am always looking blank at nothing, I cannot project a future and I cannot change my present because I feel it would not be ideal for myself by starting a cycle of ""I look good, I look bad"" when I am always bad. That said, would clinical support through a psychologist or psychiatrist help me and project my future life? I have never been to a specialist because the consultation is very expensive and the consultations that the state offers are for more serious cases, so I want to know if it will be something that can help me or if it will just be another person saying that I need to cheer up and win this bad phase, but in a more technical way. Will clinical support help me live or will it be a temporary solution?",Suicidal +12851,Feel like I am so fucking disgusting. I hate myself. I am a big huge piece of shit. Maybe I should kill myself. Maybe I am worthless. .,Suicidal +14024,"I have survived for too long. I have got help through every possible way imaginable. Still I know I will die soon. I am tired of this life, I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of not being enough for others. I am mostly tired of not being enough for myself. I hope I find some peace in my death. I just feel sorry for all the people who I know love me. I know they will blame themselves for not being able to do enough. Nothing is enough for me though. Its just a constant cycle and I am tired of being a burden. I am just so fucking tired of everything. Surviving is not living",Suicidal +7616,Even though we have never met. I love and care for you with my whole heart. I am sorry I am not there to bare with you in the pain your facing. One day one day well be free from this hell.. but not today.. just get one more day in Remember this,Suicidal +21558,I cry myself to sleep every night. I drink. I self harm. I abuse drugsAll in the hope of trying to escape this piece of shit life. And it never works.I am so close killing myself. I am so close to the end,Suicidal +9523,"Off my anti depressants bc my ex works at the pharmacy. Broke up a month ago. Keep thinking about going to the train tracks. Suffering with ptsd, depression and anxiety. People tell you to get help. I have been trying for over a year. Been to a few different doctors. All refer me to mental health professionals that are too busy to call me back or they do not even bother referring me bc the waiting list is too long. Also called the mental health line for my state, referred me to another place that I called 4 times within a week and did not ever hear back. Getting so tired of trying and I do not have my ex for support. My only friend in this area sexually assaulted me when I was a kid, I blocked it out until this year and it hit me hard when I remembered. I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot go on. I feel more and more weak every day. Off my meds, break up after 8yrs. Lost. Family in a different state.",Suicidal +16291,"There are multiple ways to kill yourself, just a lot of them take a long time and hurt like hell. I do not have access to a gun, the quickest way out. It would suck surviving. There is a moment of falling before hitting the ground if you jump. Over the last year and a half I made up my mind about going, it is just a matter of how and when. Why is it so difficult? Hanging also takes time and is painful. I Wish It Was Easier.",Suicidal +9297,"I am no ones first choice for anything. The only reason I can come up with as to why is that I am just not good enough. I want to die now. I am so tired. Everyone leaves me, I am so lonely. I am always last",Suicidal +12960,"My psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar type 2 when I was 21 (I am 22 now). I was given anti-psychotics and anti-depressants to treat it.At that time, I was in the process of losing weight and I would hit 185lbs, which was nice for me because I finally felt good in my body as I was fat since I was 12 and the process of losing it felt like I was progressing towards good. The anti-psychotics stopped all that, and after two months I hit 235lbs before I would finally stopped taking them, and when I went off it, the anti-depressants disturbed my sleep more than usual, so I have stopped taking them as well.I feel utterly crushed now. This is the worst my weight has gotten. I got stretch-marks along my belly, which tells me that even if I lost all the weight I have gained, I will have loose skin. I was always the fat kid growing up, I always felt ugly and my parents enjoyed making fun of me for it, resulting in me being extremely self-conscious about my body.Now my body is ruined forever, and I can never have the body I have always wanted and tried to work for. And I guess I can get over it. I can, let us say, dedicate myself to something meaningful, finding someone who loves me regardless of what my body is, and so on and so forth, but I need the anti-psychotics and anti-depressants to ever be reliable in what I do, otherwise I enter depressive phases where I do nothing for weeks, making jobs unstable (I only last 2-3 months before I stop showing up), and doing extremely poorly in school to the point where now I am at the point where I am a semester away from either dropping out or being kicked out.I feel incredibly resentful about this and everything. I was doing better before I sought help, and now I feel like my life was destined for failure the whole time. I was given a mental illness I did not choose, given garbage parents who abused me physically and mentally growing up which ruined my childhood and adolescence, not only like that but they moved around so much I never had friends in middle school and high school. COVID has ruined college for me, and now when I seek help in adulthood in the way society has told me to seek help, I get my body ruined leaving me more broken than before.Now I see everyone around me doing better. My sister is getting married and moving on, all the people I knew growing up are doing better and moving on, and I am just a borderline NEET, soon to be a leech to everyone around me.there is no way to win. I was never helped, I was never loved, and now it feels like I will never be helped and loved. I do not even know if I can even feel love anymore, because I do not know what it is. I have been through depressive phases before but now it feels like hope is really lost.idk, I have fantasizing about taking all my money I have been saving for student loans and going somewhere beautiful, or waste it all on a bike trip across the country to somewhere beautiful, then ending it. I do not want to die having lived in my room and staring at a screen throughout all my adolescence and adulthood so far. Anti-psychotics ruined my fucking life.",Suicidal +8871,"To be honest I do not know why I am on here telling strangers my problems. I need to stop being a burden on everyone and here I am wasting strangers time. I know my death will not mean anything to anyone, my life never meant anything any way. So here I am at 17 with no will to live. All throughout my life I have been in pain, mentally and physically. I hate that I am this weak. I want help but every time I ask everyone calls me weak. The friends I thought I had finally told me I am useless, even my coach told me that I would not amount to anything. I need help. I lost my will to live, I am so tired.",Suicidal +7207,"IDK if this is the right sub. to post this but its one of the few that I think will actually accept a post like this and something I need to get off my chest.&#x200B;Anyway, I am 23 years old and have Aspergers (high functioning Autism). When I went to college (started ""real life"") is really where my life started to fall apart. In general, from speaking to others this is a pretty common occurence for most people on the spectrum and other developmental disorders as such. &#x200B;In realizing how much it impacted me, I certainly went through the stages of grief. Now I feel I am at the phase of acceptance in that I realize that there is no magic cure and its something I will have to live with. That being said, I do not side with the general Aspie community it seems with the opinion that the development of pre-natal scanning for Autism for aborting is obscene and wrong. Not only that, but I strongly encourage it. I do not think it should be required to abort them but I do certainly think that REAL education of what its like raising a kid with Aspergers/Autism is like as well as the obstacles they face. &#x200B;At the end of the day, there are VERY few parents who I think can properly and effectively parent a child with it. I even tell my parents that I think you are good parents but not good parents for me (AKA somebody with Autism/Aspergers) but that I do not blame them for it because it should not be expected of them. I do not think the parents should be stigmatized for it but at the same time its not fair to the kid.&#x200B;Not to mention the world in general is admittedly not structured for those on the spectrum. I guess you could argue that its possible for some to adapt but at the end of the day I do not really see the point of knowingly having a child who you know ahead of time is going to immensely struggle to blend in society (hence why I encourage abortion in most cases). &#x200B;A commonly asked question I see is why do we only ever see children with developmental conditions advertised/in media. At the end of the day, its because adulthood is almost always bleak. ""Institutions"" are still a VERY real thing. Lower functioning Autism, Down Syndrome, mentally retarded, etc. kids are still very much sent off when their parents no longer can/feel like taking care of them. I know the common belief in society is that the handling of mental illness until recently was very poor and everybody was just institutionalized, well, its the same thing now. The only difference is that they can live their childhood at home and with their peers before being sent off. &#x200B;Conditions like Aspergers are not much less bleak. Most are able enough to not be sent to an institution but most companies outright refuse to hire those on the spectrum, the unemployment rate is ridiculously high, many jobs require skills Aspies do not naturally have. Most end up in poorly paid jobs reserved for those with ""disabilities"" or doing something else of little respect. I am actually personally looking into doing sex work.&#x200B;I certainly do not see myself committing suicide at this point (although if assisted suicide becomes available I would take it). Although I think a real part of accepting my condition is realizing that I am not all that special and can now more clearly see and accept the fact that Aspergers/Autism just does not work. I will say that one benefit (there are not many) is I do think I am a bit less judgemental after realizing how Aspergers/Autism impacts me. I can now more clearly see that jobs like sex work are no less respectable than any other company and have more respect for those workers and realizing that there is no shame in what they are doing. I feel like part of the acceptance stage (final step in stage of grief) should be admittance to want of death",Suicidal +11468,"There are days where everything is going great and then one little thing, one stupid thing brings me down. Sometimes I wonder if I should just end things and just make everything stop and just stop feeling sad, I have never felt so sad in my entire life. I feel like I have no one to turn to or talk to about anything. I just feel so empty and drained and want to give up. I want t make these feelings, this pain in my heart go away. I want to stop thinking about the person that left me but I cannot I feel like such a failure. I just want it to all stop. I do not want to feel this way anymore, I just want to forget everything. I just want it to stop, I want it to just end. I do not want to feel. I am just better off gone and not being a burden to anyone anymore no one cares about what I am going through. No one ask if I am okay. I am just easily forgotten, no one will remember me or care if I am gone. Everyday is harder",Suicidal +10598,"I try to get everything together every now and then. I (healthily, no drugs, extreme diets or whatever) managed my weight to a healthy level. I am trying to improve my grades in college. I try to go out more with friends. Hell, today even I had a haircut for the first time in months. Whenever I feel like things are getting back on track I randomly get this feeling of everthing coming down and not being worth it anymore. Tonight I even kind of realised my dog is old and is going to be gone any day now. What do I do man. I went to some sessions with a shrink but it did not go anywhere. Maybe I did not tell he enough? I do not know. One of the few things keeping me on this side is that I am too lazy to write a suicide letter to everyone. Mayyyyyyybe the feeling of leaving my mom sad? But that I do not know. I thought few (maybe too many) times of slashing my wrists lenghtwise in the shower. (Quick sidenote as I am writing this I really do not want my dog to die man). I fear the day I am in enough despair I do not care about suicide letters or anything. What do I do? I do not wamna leave guys but there are times I do not see other options. Where do I draw the will to go on from? Honestly I am kind of done. I may need a word of advise.",Suicidal +11613,"Just as pretext: I am not looking for support. I am just posting this at 12:30 am to rant/make something maybe relatable.Life is sick as fuck if you think about it. All this shit you can do and achieve. So much to learn and experience. Life however is also very superficial and does not actually provide anyone with anything concrete. What I mean is that everything we do here is trivialized by the fact that we are going to die.Now if we knew for a fact that doing stuff here grants you some benefits for doing all this shit--all of this would maybe make sense. This of course is not the case and we are all doing what we are doing for zero reason.So yes life might sound to many as this cool adventure that everyone needs to experience. Myself though I think everyone should know how irrelevant it is to push themselves so hard, when the reward is more than a huge slap in the face. Life is a cool concept, but it is not executed well",Suicidal +14103,"I am ending my life on Sunday. This date will not be adjusted. I am going to post again before then, but I wanted to share this with people that understand. Actually following through this time",Suicidal +8050,I just went to my uncle i want to know what would happen if i commited suicide there ? Suicide in veccation ?,Suicidal +10397,I saw it half an hour ago and it really hurt me... I feel so heartbroken... i feel so unwanted it hurts so bad... I am worried I am going to try to end it again tonight.. someone please talk to me I feel really unsafe tonight after I saw something that upset me,Suicidal +20494,"Back in march I wrote my final suicide letter. I decided I would not do it, I finally found a good therapist and I finally felt like my fianc understood the depth of what I was dealing with. On saturday I did something that upset my fianc and he brought it up with me today, I became self-destructive and wanted to read it as some kind of sick confirmation on how stupid I am and how the world is better without me, since the note is pretty fucking destructive. It gives me some kind of sick peace but it does bring me suicidal thought which I do not like. What do I do? I just cannot seem to make myself delete it... I read my suicide note... again",Suicidal +26738,"I have been so hurt by those I love, I just wish the hurting would stop. I drove to my beach house to kill myself, I wish I could die in my sleep because I do not want them to feel guilt over my death. I just wish I was enough for the people I love and that I was enough for me. I do not see a future, I just feel immense pain and hurt. I feel so numb to the world yet I feel its pain so much. I just want it to stop. I wish I could die in my sleep. I wish people would not hurt me",Suicidal +10357,"To the me who dreamed of it all, I am sorry buddy. I cannot really remember where it all went downhill but at least there were great memories made throughout this life. Alas, I am at the end of the road. My guilt and shame grows day by day. My lack of motivation to do anything and everything. Not being able to contribute to society. Maybe I am taking the easy way out instead of working hard but oh well, sucks to suck I guess. To this lovely world, I bid you farewell. To all the lovely people, be kind and be gentle. If the stars align and a miracle occurs, maybe I will get to see everyone again :)P.S. Play Never in My Wildest Dreams by Dan Auerbach during my funeral thanks! A little note for when I leave this lovely place",Suicidal +17284,"After having worked on myself so hard and getting back in contact with him, things were going wonderfully. I fixed so much of the problems that caused issues in our relationship. We were meeting every week and slowly getting closer again. Until last night.Of course I could not control my drinking at the bar and of course I had to start a fight with him. I do not even remember what I did or told him, but it was enough for him to say he does not care about me anymore and never wants to talk to me again. The one thing I remember is begging him to please tell me why this was happening and to not leave. He took back his apartment key from me and gave me back mine. it is over for good. The one person I have ever loved is gone and it is all my fault.I feel like such a failure for having lost control of my drinking. I am such an idiot for ruining the second chance I got. I love him so much and I failed him as a boyfriend not once, but twice. Now, I just want to end it all. I have to end it all. I just cannot continue knowing that I set myself on this path. Knowing that I broke his heart.I do not know when I am going to do it, but I know it is going to be soon. I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts and the biggest regret I have always had was not going through with my suicide back when I was a teen. All of this pain could have been avoided if I had just gone through with it.I do not care if there is anything after death. I am just so tired of this life.I know everyone will be better off without me. I Was Finally Reconnecting With My Ex Until I Ruined It Last Night",Suicidal +37247,Why is it that I can absolutely nail my job that I despise with all my heart but manage to royally fuck up every si… https://t.co/sUX9u3Bo3q,Suicidal +17998,"As a defense mechanism my brain started to erase a lot of memories so everything's foggy.. the basic stuff is childhood abuse and just dealing with the ramifications of that all alone all throughout childhood and the teenage years.. if the kid back then saw this future of himself.... none of this would have been worth it and it never was to begin with, life should have ended for me at 12. Eight years later and here we are, just more damaged and closer to ending it all than ever before but it is still the most painful thing to comprehend. I have held on for 8 years and have done so many things and made various amounts of growth to come back from this but each time I have failed relentlessly.. I am stuck in this awful world stuck in this toxic environment... what kind of job could I get to move out? it is too late anyway... I have been searching for over a year and it is clear I am over.. I saw my eyes and there was absolutely no life in either of them... I cannot even lie anymore, I cannot even fake a happy customer service persona... Dear God knows I have wished for something terminal for years now and each time I hear about someone dying I wish it was me instead and they could live on just longer before their inevitable demise... I have done so much just to suffer more daily... I regret waking up everyday and choosing life.. the only reason I held off for 8 years was to see if things could be ok, they are not AND because I felt God would punish me if I take myself out but this is too cruel for me so maybe eventually down the road when I do take myself out he will understand? He better.. I do not have a choice anymore, I am alone and slowly suffering every fucking day, everyone I am sorry. This is not a pity post so do not treat it as such. it is just my truth of life. And today for some reason I feel especially bad I feel like I am going to throw up but nothings happening. Please end my life, God. This is enough. it is enough. Please. I do not want to do it myself. Please. I waited 8 years. I should have just died back then.",Suicidal +13683,"they are the only one stopping me from committing. i fear this pandemic is going to take them away from me bc they are not healthy and i am powerless to stop it. literally no one else cares about us and if they leave, i will finally do it. if anyone else is in a close situation to this please tell me, it feels like the whole world is stacked against us, we are so alone with no money family or home :( the one person i love in the world might be gone soon and it will kill me",Suicidal +12127,"In a week, school year is starting again. The thing is, i have tried 3 years to get FIRST year throught. All failed. I do not want to leave my house. Maybe to spend time with my friends, nothing else. I do not like going alone to places, its just really uncomfortable. I am 19, Family gives me extra pressure cuz well.. I live with them, i need to get school done, then work to buy food and ""live"". Sorry for the messy text i have not slept. I do not see a way out of my situation. I do not want to exist if i need to stress everyday about this shit. Its a cycle, never ending one. Seems like there is no way out",Suicidal +11005,"This is just another message to the void please do not respond or care. Nobody has ever cared or been there. I cannot continue anymore. I just cannot. I cannot do this thing they call life. I have no reason or purpose anymore, I never have. I cannot. I know Its does not matter to anyone but please just care about someone, anyone. I have been so alone for so long I am leaving this whatever it is in hope that when you see someone cry out for help. Grab them and hold them let them know someone is there that cares and that they are not alone in the world. Goodbye blue marble. I cannot, I just cannot",Suicidal +17594,"I was pretty much suicidal consistently since 2016. I went through another breakup recently which again made me spiral. Thankfully there was a therapy session right after. She gave me a lot of pointers on how to tackle my trauma of abandonment and neglect and general feeling of loneliness. And I went through so much shit in the past 2 years in my relationships that this session just woke me up from my slumber. Like I am done feeling this way. I am done giving my energy to people who do not deserve it. For some reason I do not give a damn about relationships anymore and the very thought of it exhausts me and now I finally feel free. Like I finally feel like I can live my life and direct energy to myself and I do not owe anyone anything. I do not have to spend time deliberating if I mean anything to anyone. I do not have to obsess and overthink, like I am over everything. I just do not care and I want to take care of myself and spoil myself and for the first time like I actually want to live!! Like I want to live my life not giving a shit about anyone else or what anyone else thinks of me or being desperate for a relationship or some form of Connection. I am done feeling this way and ever since my therapy I have only felt excited to live my life as a single person and I am so ready !!! Finally leaving this group",Suicidal +26533,"Every time something hopeful happens I fuck it up because I am me, I am the problem, not bad luck, not lack of opportunity. Just me as a person. I just want to stop wanting to die and with every passing day and every crushing disappointment it feels more and more like suicide is the answer to that. This has been YEARS. I have done the right things. I have spoken to people. This past few months I have made so many positive changes in a desperate bid to survive but I need to draw a line somewhere. Enough is enough. I really think I am done. The only real sense peace, joy, or happiness I get anymore is when I fantasise about leaving this world. there is nothing left for me here. I know I need to go but its terrifying. Nobody knows what happens when you die but I have heard a lot of recounts of people who nearly died who say it is peaceful and that is what I am trying to cling on to now. I cannot deal with the crushing loneliness, rejection, the lack of affection or appreciation. That seems to come to some people so naturally. I figured out a pretty sure method - been saving my extra medication up for long enough to hopefully have enough to really shut myself down. But frustratingly that part of me that is still scared of the unknown is stopping things. I do not want to live in limbo anymore - I either want to live a proper life, or I just want to fucking die. I have tried so hard at option number one. Please believe me I have. I guess I am here looking for a reason to live or a reason to die. Drag me up or push me over the edge. Just do not make me sit on this stupid fence any more. Oh, just stay a bit longer, see what happens!!. What about when you have already done that? Getting closer every day",Suicidal +25774,"I do not know why I feel like this. I just do not want to live anymore. My mom has been abusive to me for about two years. She compares me to other kids and asks why I cannot be better. She wishes I was dead and hopes for me to just disappear one day. When I try and stand up for myself, she hits me. My dad does not care about me at all because if he confronts my mom, she might divorce him, and he will not make as much money. I am tired of being third and getting yelled at. I am tired of living with my mom. I just want to sit somewhere and die. I think about dying and killing myself every day, but deep down, I know I am not going to do it, but I honestly do not know what to do anymore. Nobody loves me or cares about me. I do not want to kill myself, but I do not want to live anymore. I just want to give up",Suicidal +22556,I have set my deadline. It feels like such a relief to know Ill be gone by then. The thought of it makes me happy. I will finally be free from this hell I have been living in.I have had a really bad week. My only friend (who I have romantic feelings towards but am too much of a scared loser to tell her) has been ignoring me and I feel I have hit a new low. She is the only person that makes me happy and the every time I spend time with her I actually feel happy to be alive. But then as she leaves its right back to reality. I have been cutting so much recently and its draining all of my energy. I cannot focus on anything I used to enjoy and am struggling to get any work done. I have a few family events I am going to that will be a final goodbye of sorts and then it will be time. I cannot wait. The years of self harm and suicidal thoughts will finally climax and end how they should. I have never told anyone about any of this so thanks for reading <3 My plans are made,Suicidal +21401,Started sewing not so long ago and I suck at it. that is alright... I am new and I still have to learn but i feel like I do not have time for it. I am already 23 and I just got a entree level job. I see teenagers being millionaires and I have nothing going on for myself. Just want to die already. I do not even want to try anymore Feel like I never would achieve anything special,Suicidal +14487,"I live in a place with gorgeous sunsets. I love to sit on my balcony and watch them. I wish I could watch them for the rest of my life. In a way, I will be just that the rest part will be a lot sooner than expected. Now the sun has set and its one day closer to the end. I am so ready to go, but I feel awful for the pain it will because my friends and family. One sunset closer to the last one",Suicidal +37393,I thought I’ve hated myself before but now i really truly hate myself so god damn much.,Suicidal +14377,"ppl always said that they are giving you virtual hugs when you got sad, and while i appreciate that, all i need is just hug, right here right now, bone crushing hug that will heal all of my wound .. is that really too much to ask ?just please hug me i just need a hug",Suicidal +11824,10 pills of 50 mg each for example. Can tramadol because death?,Suicidal +27311,"life has no meaning anymore, everything is just the opposite of how it should be, I am only 15 and I have been feeling like this for years, i have no friends, i want to do something this summer but there really is nothing to do, me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago after a year and 2 months, she is already done stuff with another guy and she acted like she never cared about me, i have absolutely nothing, as a christian i pray that i can just be happy for once, but i never am, i just want this all to be over. I am so done with this",Suicidal +18112,"I feel I am not living any longer for myself I do not do anything for me I make people laugh I make people happy I advise them I love people and help whenever I can. And some people that rejected me from their lives I feel that I should impress. However this feeling goes away and I feel that nothing is worth it because I do not care about anyone's opinion. I would like an advice that will help me stay alive more, I do not want to die not yet at least but I do not see many options... Is life worth it?",Suicidal +17651,"I have never really figured out how exactly i would do it, but now i have a house with an actual garage, and I am realizing that i could do the whole carbon monoxide thing. from what i can tell that is generally the least painful way i could go, with little in the way of hiccups. i do not have a time in place just yet, as i have a package a friend needs me to deliver, but I am feeling like maybe after i fulfill that promise. I will be cutting ties with said friend, and he is basically the only person i talk to regularly at this point. I would be leaving behind a family that is already miserable, which is about the only thing I would put it off for at this time.idk, i hear about the complications with literally any other method, but never about this one, so that makes me wonder why people do not talk about it as much. the only problem i can really foresee is that I will have to do it in the day time, but the neighbors keep to themselves so i do not think they will really notice. are there any other issues with this method? i think i have a plan",Suicidal +18629,"Why are we so scared to admit it? There is nothing we can do to change that, it is the basic rule behind all the things we see. Our life is predetermined at birth by a mere factor of luck, some of us are natural-born winner and achieve everything from life because such fate was written in their genes, some of us are just the opposite, a bunch of natural-born losers that are meant to fail till they die. A life of suffering that we cannot change, we are destined to pain and agony just because we were the unlucky ones... that is just ridiculous, this life is ridiculous. But you know what is worse? Worse than all the pain and all the unnecessary cruelty? It is knowing that we do not have any hope because all of this was just meant to be. Life is all about luck.",Suicidal +7302,"I am tired of people saying, oh, do not die, your life matters! My life has never mattered and in the long run it never will. I work for $8 an hour and all of my friends have moved away. I am single as fuck and I always have been. When I meet new people I put on a smile and fake it, but I am not enjoying hearing about how popular others are, how much money they are making, their amazing careers and no sign of the existentialism that plagues me every day of my miserable life. It must feel good to be like everyone else.I am at my cousins house and she is happily married with an amazing job that pays six figures and she has tons of friends. If I could have a fraction of that life... All I wanted to do was be an artist, and I cannot even do that now. The magic has faded for me. People tell me its not worth it and I should be chasing the money in STEM, where I can do art on the side. I wish they would shut up. I have never had a stroke of good luck in my life and since I was 17 I wished I would die. Seven years later and nothing is better. I hope in the next seven years that I will not exist anymore. The worst part is that I am too chicken to kill myself.None of us really matter in the long run. In 100 years, nobody will remember who you are.",Suicidal +36039,Im tired and sick of everything I wanna die ... https://t.co/w04RQCbvNV,Suicidal +13350,"Turned 24(m)today and not a single happy birthday.Truth be told do not really care for it celebrating the day I was born. Rather celebrate the death. I remember my tattoo I got when I was 16. The meaning behind it for me was to symbolising suicide or ppl who taken their own life. Never really understood why I wanted it back then I was a happy kid, But as I got older I realised. Id already marked myself. Been down the counselling route few times but its all the same.Only thing stopping me from taking pills (that I have got quite a stock) is that fact possibility it will fail and I will have to deal with the consequences of still being here, with maybe damaged organs. what is the actual point ?",Suicidal +14315,"I self harmed with the intent of ending my life last night. I tried to cut some of my blood vessels open, but my scissors were not sharp enough. I ended up bleeding down my leg but it stopped after a few minutes. I probably lost about 10-15 mL of blood. Does this count as a suicide attempt, or is this suicidal self harm?Thank you for any input in advance. I love you all, and know that you are all beautiful people.<3OctoHelm Does this count as a suicide attempt?",Suicidal +24475,I have no one anymore bcs everyone is just not to be trusted it feels so lonly and cold Hey,Suicidal +10327,My noose keeps me calm. I guess it is the knowledge that eternal peace is nearby for when I decide it is time. A noose feels like my only friend,Suicidal +7625,this needs to go on longer. I will be able to end it then. just need a push to overcome instincts. i hope someone i care about tells me to kill myself. numb,Suicidal +19038,It should not be this easy to get a gun in Florida lol. cannot say I am surprised. It is Florida after all. Big yikes for me though Yikes,Suicidal +37541,I’m so tired of living and college I just wanna drop out and work somewhere far away from everyone https://t.co/Dq3rIUxtbv,Suicidal +12352,I should just kill myself now. Thanks a lot to those who just abandoned me. I am going to kill myself right now. I am telling all those who abandoned me that I am going to kill myself because of them. I want to die because everyone just abandons me,Suicidal +21105,"I am not sure if this is really what it is but I believe I maladaptive daydream a lot. When I say a lot I mean a lot. not just when I am alone. Sometimes Ill be taking a test and I am imagining being someone else. I am not doing anything different, still taking the same test but its just not me, not my body. sometimes Ill take myself to another universe. Even when watching YouTube I pretend to be someone else or a better version of me. The only few times when I am not daydreaming is when I am under way to much stress. when that happens I am suddenly struck with reality that I am not who I pretend to be. I have wasted years of my life pretending to be someone else. it does not help with my stress. Thank you for reading my rant. Stay safe <3 I am barely living my own life anymore.",Suicidal +10423,"I have been thinking about it for years. My life has been hell, I have lost the people I loved the most, I moved overseas, I am alone and lonely. Things were looking up at one point until they were not. I have the means, and I have 3 weeks of no work, the only responsibility I had in my life. I do not think anyone would notice my absence until I have started to decompose. I do not have friends or family left. I just feel tired. I am tired of trying. My relationship of 7 years ended up in flames. He told me he was with me out of pity. I cannot go on like this anymore. It hurts being alone. I am going to end it.",Suicidal +16469,"I tried. I tried so much, so many times. I guess i should not have existed from the begining. I loved all of you. Each and every one of you. No matter how retarded, annoying, mean, weak, or abusive you were. I did not care. I did not care. I really just wanted a good world for all of us. I wanted all of us to feel loved and happy and peaceful. But i feel sooo hurt that i refuse to exist. It does not matter how much i cared about you, i just cannot. I could see things from your perspectives, and i decided that you were alright, and acceptable and deserved everything you needed. But now..i just cannot be here. Because the other parts of this creature hate me too much, because i repressed their existence and disagreed with them all the time but now i just have nothing left in me to fight them. Good bye. Assume i have multiple mindsets in me and one is being removed, and its the mindset's last notes.",Suicidal +7494,"I posted this in r/depression as well, but I figure this would be more appropriate. I always feel like I should not have any real reason to be depressed because I live in a first world country where there is an abudance of opportunity for anything you want. However, I have feelings of self-doubt, pity, anxiety and a general low self-esteem most of the time. I am 23 years old and I hate my life. I graduated in Mechanical Engineering in August 2020 and I still have not found a job in my field. This is partially the reason why my depression is bad. I have never had a girlfriend in my entire life and the last girl I tried to talk to ended up ghosting me. I do not particulary blame them either as it is my fault at the end of the day. I cannot beat the depression no matter how hard I try. I have followed every piece of advice I can take such as exercising, eating well, sleeping 8 hours a day, getting sunlight and I still feel like a piece of shit more and more.I would believe this might have to do with childhood-teenage trauma that I have had. My brother was not the best person in my life, which sucks becasue up to when I was 13 years old, he was amazing and awesome. Afterwards, he would because me a lot of physical abuse and mental abuse. He gave me two black eyes in school which many teachers would question if I was okay at home. I was not but I did not let them know that to protect my brother from receiving a bad reputation. I told my parents, but they did not really do anything about it besides a stern talking to my brother. He left me in -15 temperature one time for a few hours where I was just wandering the neighbourhood (I live fairly far from any store so I did not really have a shelter). The thing that makes it worse is that he has a successful life with a loving wife and amazing friends. It makes me sad that people can harm others and still never receive any karma.The next factor is the amount of bullying I received as a kid from my former friends. Surprisingly the ones who became my bully was my friend. This friend is very charismatic and good at getting friends himself. Due to my shyness and having virtually no backbone, I became a really easy target when we started highschool as he was able to convince other kids to bully me as well. The bullying was not anything crazy, just name-calling and making me look dumb a lot. However, they did this every day and it ended up taking a toll on me. These kids are also super successful now and have great relationships.I realized more in University how pathetic and below average I am to my peers. Everyone else can do things much more easier than I can, have much more talents, and are generally smarter than me. I have extreme social anxiety and I always struggle showing my persoanlity around others. Maybe it is a defense mechanism and I will be betrayed again. (Some Good Will Hunting type of shit lol) If it was not for TV shows and the internet, I would be a lot more depressed than I am now. I honestly believe I am a burden to everyone around me and my parents are making it more clear that they do not want me around since I have not obtained a job in my field and am sorta just coasting in life right now. Thank you for reading this post if you have, but if not I understand as well.TL;DR: I am killing myself in a month and I generally do not have any actualy reason to want to keep living Killing Myself Soon",Suicidal +24608,"Not bothered anymore. Super lonely working a shit job to get money I do not even want/spend. Feel like crap both physically and mentally. Why put myself through this. I have found piece with my decision to leave. However, my family will never accept it. Typical that the one thing that goes my way is a good family. I am to lazy to even write a proper goodbye note and research different methods. Some waste of time and energy. How do people do it",Suicidal +18397,I plan to kill myself using a Helium tank and a breathing mask. My life is full of confusion and suffering from negative thoughts. I plan to kill myself using Helium,Suicidal +36364,THIS SUCKS MAN I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO ANYMORE RASH DECISIONS AFTER RASH DECISION. NO CONTROL OVE… https://t.co/sqvNu2Rxs6,Suicidal +26512,"The only question I am left with in this shit hole of a world is 'Why Stay Here?'Watching the last 18 months where the idiot masses delight in the destruction of any remaining freedom that they had. I do not want to live in a world where the government gets to threaten you for the basic freedom of leaving one's house, where the government thinks it has the right to monitor one's every movement, to place on under house arrest on a whim, where the media supports the growing Orwellian State and attacks anyone who cares about basic freedoms as ""selfish.""Existing in this stifling world of control, coercion, mass governmental intimidation, endless fear based propaganda to traumatise and psychologically abuse people.The only question that remains is why stay in this shit hole amongst the braying masses that celebrate as the State gains more and more control over them. Every time the State gets this much control, the end is a fucking disaster. The history of man has been the few trying to gain freedom from the State and the state-worship of the cultist masses. Be it on the left or the right - fascism or communism - same shit, different colour flag.What kind of evil fuckhead would come up with a system that functions like this world does. Sure there are nice views, and a few people left who value freedom over centralised authoritarian control systems, but they are far between. Sure, there are some nice views, but nature is a lying whore who beautiful costume is a deception on top of her uncaring cruelty. If leaving this place was not so brutal, and if one had not been programmed from birth to view carrying on regardless, or that life is somehow worth it, then what sane man would continue?If there is a Creator, and I suspect there is, then I hate this evil moron. And if one tries to discuss these things, one is just told meaningless platitudes. Why is this, because this place is such a shit hole, that all one can find to offer the one contemplating these things is meaningless platitudes.I wake up each morning to the endless Covid propaganda, threats from the government and its propagandists, endless coercion and intimidation from a police state that believes it can falsely imprison millions of people just cos its experts (priest class) says so.What sane man would want to live in such a world? And to top it all off, whatever is behind this world programmed me with a body that cowers in fear at the thought of the pain and suffering requires, it made me sympathetic to my fellow man so I dread to because more suffering to the ones that remain.But what kind of reason is this to carry on? I must remain a slave to materiality, and criminal fascist governments that want to control when I can leave my house, and monitor all my movements, and then lie to me that it is for my own safety and that or others, which is classic Narcissitic abuse?And then watch the masses defend their abusers like good little Stockholm syndrome slaves?What a pathetic realm this is, what a pathetic creator must be behind it, and what pathetic & servile creatures I am surround with. Who would give up their children's freedoms cos they are scared.And what a pathetic creature I am, that can see there is no sane nor rational reason to remain here, but am too scared to end it, too servile to my programmed bodily desire to survive.What kind of world has to put up such sentinels against leaving it? And why do I stay here and not depart? Cos some fuckhead gave me a stupid material body that has chemical factories inside it, that release drugs to create emotional states that keep me in this prison world. And then people advise to to go and get help. What, from some therapist who was probably trained by the state my enemy, who probably supports the covid bullshit, who supports one of the most brutal attack on the health of mankind (both mental and physical) ever launched in the name of hypochondria and germophobia.Whilst there was a semblance of freedom to this place is what bearable, but no one with a functioning soul can endure this level of constraint. I only hope that either I can conquer this fear, not of death by of dying, or that my natural end is not far off anyway. Why Stay Here?",Suicidal +21726,"They were so attractive to me. I loved them obsessively. It was not love, it was passionate obsessive desperate lust. I would have done anything to touch their pale pink body. I longed desperately to taste them. To tie them up, lick, and kiss their back slowly. I would make love to them. Breathe heavily I to their ear. Thrust my fingers inside them, lick and suck the juices off. The sound of their moans if pleasure sent my spiraling. I wanted to hear them cum so hard they began to cry, cough, and gag. I wanted to see their eyes roll back into their skull and watch their legs go numb from over stimulation. I wanted to force my tongue deep inside their anus and the slide it on just to lick, tease, and edge their puss for hours.I wanted every inch of them. I would have sucked their toes if they let me. it is maddening. I wanted a cock just so I could fuck them. It was the first time I understood penis envy. I would imagine myself getting hard and watching them stroke their clit and drip with desire, begging to get penetrated. Desperately widening their legs and panting like a dog breathing heavily with those sexy pink plump lips of theirs. I could barely take it. They drive me insane. I needed to touch them. To hold them. To kiss them. I felt like I would die if I could not have a single taste. I did not care if they did not love me. I did not care if they did not want me. I thought about them ever day. Every second. I still think about them. I am salivating just thinking about tasting them. The universe is without mercy. I miss those lips, above and below your belt. I feel like dying. Is it wrong to long for someone so hopelessly? I fell In love with an FBI agent",Suicidal +22952,"I [15M] feel like I have been living the same day, every day for the last 4 years. i hate the fact that I had to move out of town because of my mom's addiction to cocaine. I hate the fact that my dad overestimated me so much when I came to live with him. i hate the fact that now he thinks I am useless. I hate the fact that now I am really useless, I have time and energy but I do not use either because I am lazy and I stay all day either on the PC or in bed, not wanting to do anything, I need to change the way I I live but I also do not have the courage to change. I always end up doing shit when I try to be more outgoing and I always give up after saying I am going to change. I have time and i do not use it. I am a bad person who wanted to have a worse life just so I could justify myself for being the way I am. I am disgusted with myself and instead of growing as a person I am considering continuing to do nothing until I am 18, and when the responsibilities start to show up I run away as usual, jumping from the 15th floor of a building or something like that. or I kill myself now, there is nothing stopping me now besides about 4 or 5 people. it is just that as the lazy, disgusting person that I am, I am not really into living in a third world country earning a minimum wage a month that does not quite cover my basic expenses, and that in the best case, I probably would not even get a job. I cannot talk to people normally, I would get anxious and just freeze at a job interview i feel like I have been living the same day, every day for the last 4 years.",Suicidal +17909,I hate seeing my mom so stressed because I know she is scared Ill do something. Same goes fr my dad but he is less subtle and straight up says get that thought out of your headIm so loved and supported why cannot I just get up and fucking do something worthwhile. Make my family happy.Only thing I am motivated to do is kill myself but I do not have the discipline to do it yet.Rip me I have never been this down,Suicidal +12771,I wish it would just end. It was my birthday...,Suicidal +24750,"I am on summer break right now and this is probably the loneliest/lowest I have ever felt. My friends are not exactly the most sociable so I have spent most of the summer alone, and I am so tired of being alone. I start university in two months and I am trying to hold on until then with the hope of meeting new people but I do not know how much longer I can hold on. I just want everything to stop so I can stop hurting like this. I just want it all to stop",Suicidal +27115," I have to get near the bottom of the barrel, I just want to look and be normal. But instead I get to be ugly, odd looking and an insane amount of mental and physical issues . Just fml. Posting and hearing what you guys have to say helps a bit. The bluepill you look fine stuff is not tbh bc I can take a tape measurer to prove every part of my face is incorrect. I cannot stand it. Just down and venting again. I cannot stand being me and I am tired of the bad days(most days)",Suicidal +16557,"I really need to vent this, but I also do not want anyone close to me to know this is still a huge struggle. I am 31, I have two amazing kids and as of now they are the only reason I keep dragging myself around this earth anymore. As a kid I had to endure sok much abuse and trauma, that by the age of 12 I had already attempted bleeding myself out in a bathtub. My mom found me and I have been seeing doctors for my mental health ever since. I got diagnosed with BPD, and by the time I was 14 I had tried to hang myself. A friend just happened to be coming over that day to sneak alcohol with me and found me. By 17 I was rediagnosed with split personalities, but not ling after that I was re diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar. Nothing ever really got better outside becoming a mom. I still struggle with wanting to die. I am an adult and the only thing that makes me feel anything at al is mutilating myself. My only family are my kids and their dad, and he has grown more and more concerned with how unstable I have gotten at times. I do not want to ever abandon my little family, but I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. My mental health keeps me from having friends. My traumas keep me from sleeping at night. The weight of life has become soo heavy. I try to fill in the void as much as I can with hobbies, but nothing ever truly gives me that spark. I have destroyed my body. I have destroyed my mind. I have destroyed everything in me that could ever see the good in staying here anymore. I feel alone all the time, even when I am with those I love more than anything. What am I suppose to do. How can I ever overcome this longing I have to hold death in my arms and melt away with him. Trying to hang on",Suicidal +9139,"Anything to make it bearable. I have tried killing myself before many times and want to kill myself soon but now I am looking for a reason to live, a reason or way to make life bearable until I can solve my problems (which I really really cannot right now)...I have no friends, I cannot enjoy my hobbies, its not even bearable anymore and I am desperately looking for something to make it bearable instead of killing myself. I need a reason to live, any reason",Suicidal +14310,"You spend all this money for them to just not address your problems. Fuck you if you do this as a therapist. ASK US TO BE HONEST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HELP. NOT BECAUSE you are BEING PAID. Have some fucking empathy for once. Even things like asking to talk about something else throws them into a loop of well what is wrong with what were talking about?? Its called I do not care about what were talking about because its wasting time and my money for the help I was promised but do not get. TL;DR: It you are a therapist, actually care about your patients. Not the paycheck. Therapy is a waste of time.",Suicidal +16825,"I have never ran away and I really want to, I want to get away from my family and have the thrill of playing an extreme game of hide and seek. It may sound psychopathic, but I want everyone looking for me until weeks later the cops find my hanging corpse. I want to go to the gas station and load up on all the snacks I can think of before getting the courage to end it all. I am not sure why I am posting this, but I really want to get it out and this is the only place I can think of. I want to run away and hang myself",Suicidal +18962,I accidentally spent $150 of my dads money. let us just say I was berated and put down (as I always am). Its getting to the point where I try to spend every minute of my life where I am not working trying to sleep so I do not have to deal with everyone. I am so lonely. I have breakdowns daily,Suicidal +13768,"I have a shotgun, which is arguably the most effective suicide method (with the right ammunition). I just cannot bring myself to pull the trigger. I hate this shit. I want to leave this stupid world but I just cannot do it! I fucking hate how hard it is to overcome my survival instinct",Suicidal +21079,I am tired of being the person people always come too. Why does my stupid heart and brain have to be so empathetic? I always am there for others but those same people are not there to listen to me. My cousin is struggling bad right now and I have to act like I am okay for her. But I am not okay. I am fucking depressed and suicidal every single day. These thoughts are eating me alive. Idk how much longer I can hold on. I just want to disappear My time is soon,Suicidal +14105,"My life has been going downhill for years now and I did not Plan on living past 17 now at 18 i feel truly ready to go Put my everything on a friendship again, and now I truly have nothing",Suicidal +9614,They say its the answer to all Is heroin an answer?,Suicidal +20999,"Why should I try anymore? Everyone hates me, I get left by everyone that I thought cared for me but in the end I am left alone with the thought of ending it but evertime I try I cannot pull myself to it. what is the point of staying anymore? Why should I try?",Suicidal +9860,what is it mean when two separate psych doctors agree that Suicide is a valid option for you. One after working with me considered it for himself as well. The other said in a way she will not go to jail but still clear enough she thought it was probably the right choice.Cuz no one I ever met really got a good defense then oh they should not say that well if they are willing to commute career sepuku and risk life imprisonments over it for someone they have a business relationship and otherwise fully stable and have decade plus time practitioning . They must know something No one risks their own career and life for something their soul is not ok with and not a stranger unless they know they are right or certain about their decision. I Think we are so wrong about being so anti suicide because let us be honest. there is no real evidence its wrong that can stand logic Even doctors know suicide is not wrong,Suicidal +21926,"After 2 attempts the latest one 2 weeks ago, I feel I have an understanding of what life can be. I have been given a new perspective of my own capabilities and acknowledgement that bringing joy into my life is my responsibility regardless of my upcoming and current situation. Some positivity",Suicidal +7248,"When I was younger, in my childhood, I had self worth, I still had anxiety, but I felt like I was the best at everything. I was a ""gifted"" child and did well in school, in fact my only main source of anxiety was if my crush liked me back. Either way I felt special and unique. I have had worrying behavior before where I would cut myself with school scissors and even younger as a toddler, I would bang my head against the wall or floor. Still. Those things were rare of me though maybe I should I have taken it as a sign of things to come. In middle school I was anxious but I still felt nice and special. 9th grade was when things changed though, I started to get bullied which made me reevaluate myself, I started seeing myself in a negative light, and the only way I coped was sleep or being in a constant state of self loathing. There were times I made threats to the students that were bullying me, but instead of thinking it was wrong, I doubted my capabilities to go through with the threat. After 9th grade I felt better going to another high school, I was not getting bullied, and even though I was not quickly making friends, people still let me hang around them or sit at their table. It was nice. I met my ex boyfriend not too long after and we stayed together for 3 years. He ended up leaving me during my first semester of college. I felt sad about it, but having been in a relationship for 3 years gave me a false sense of security that finding another relationship might be easy. I was quite wrong. Not only that but I started to realize many people were better than me and were skilled at something while I realized I was not. I was quite literally not good at anything or at least not good enough. However, this world requires you to contribute something to it. I could not. The former gifted child felt lied to. That I could do anything and I had great potential. It bothered me a lot. I did not feel like I could conquer anything like I used to. Instead, I was smacked in the face with the truth that I was not special and my best was not good enough. Through this period people kept telling me to keep trying and I eventually will get good. I did not see any improvement, in some areas I felt like I was getting worse. Right now I am stuck with the feeling of inferiority and suicidal thoughts. I am not quite doing anything for this world, in a way I feel like I am taking up space that could be used for a much more skilled and intelligent individual. Recently I looked through documents of tests that were done when I was younger in elementary school. I found that I lacked critical thinking skills and had a language disorder as well as anxiety. I thought my IQ may have been better but I tested below average for verbal iq and only slightly above average for non verbal with the highest in calculating. Right now I am not sure how to move forward... but I am too scared to kill myself. I have never been good enough. .",Suicidal +11516,"Goodbye Homelessness, schizophrenia, abusive mother, Abusive ex, 3 bucks to my name, one week to come up with 500$, a family that hates me, multiple rapes, horrible hallucinations voices, shadows, faces, eyes, goodbye",Suicidal +7075,does anyone have experience with brain damage after a suicide attempt? brain damage,Suicidal +20187,"I do not really know what I am supposed to do, I am legally blind going fully blind, I am too afraid to be depressed in front of people because I fear of losing my attractive qualities and my girlfriend just left me and I cannot get the memories out of my head. I am living with her and a couple friends in an apartment complex across the country from my family and my mind is stuck on keeping everything to myself because I do not want to be a guilt trip or dramatic but these thoughts have been much worse now that all I have to do is jump over the edge of the top floor and it just sounds so easy to just do it and get rid of my depression. I geniunely do not know what to do and I just want it to end. I have been having suicidal thoughts and it just keeps getting worse.",Suicidal +25461,"i have been working since 17, I am 18 now and every time i get my really bad balkan 8h/day monthly paycheck my addicted to gambling dad screams and threatens me and takes it and wastes itim sick of it and it just happened today he said he would smack his head and bleed to death when i refused. he just did it so i gave him most of it again and now I am outside please help me reddit the resources here are useless wtf do i do i just left i do not have any money",Suicidal +10881,"my whole life i have fantasized about the idea of dying. i met death once, it was a dark and quiet place, and i experienced what it truly was to be alone. except this alone did not hurt, in fact it was relieving. so relieving that when i when i opened my eyes again i cursed every nurse and doctor who thought it necessary to save me. i, at the age of 11, decided that i no longer needed saving from the mess that i called life, i wanted to return to that darkness. i truly wanted to die. and with every year that i grew older, i fell more in love with closing my eyes for the final time. 11 years later i sit at the door of another birthday, another reminder that i am alive. a burden. a curse. what could i do the expire naturally? nothing, no disease i have could possibly have would kill me any time soon. it is a matter i now have to deal with personally. suicide. suicide is such a scary word to utter. but not just because i am afraid of dying. i am. i am terrified. almost as terrifying as choosing the wrong number in an almost winning lotto ticket. if i go, would i possibly be missing a reason to live? but everyday the possibility of that seems unlikely, almost silly. suicide. i attend to commit suicide. i attend to revisit that quiet darkness and make it my home, a place where i can finally belong. to close my eyes and know that i can finally breath and be relieved of trying. today, maybe tomorrow, or maybe i can hold out a little longer, but eventually my only plan is to rely on suicide and finish what was started 11 years ago. today i have decided..",Suicidal +12331,"I thought if I did something right Ill be okay. I am the only one to go to college in my family and I went for art. I love art. Since day one. I probably applied to at least 150 professional jobs since graduating. A friend applied with me, she went to USC. she will get calls back, i would not. I went to a state school. I quickly realized how professional art jobs are classist exclusive clubs that no one like me can ever get into. Okay, I gave up and moved on to something else I really want to do that will make me happier. Tattooing. Denial after denial of finding an apprenticeship, I have come to the conclusion that I am a bad artist and people who follow me just pity me. Its real cute I keep trying. I am so tired of condescending talks from people because I am a small quiet black girl they think I am as dumb as a brick wall. They do not even bother to remember my name. Ill go somewhere with my white boyfriend once, and they will remember his and they will not even look at me. Its humiliating. I do not have any friends. I cannot even get a full time job fucking being a Walmart greeter if I tried. I see millennials my age in the luxury apartment buildings my bfs parents live in and I want to shoot myself because I cannot afford to live in a shack. My best friend from college killed herself in 2019 and I understand the toll it takes on her loved ones. Her mom sold her businesss bc she could not even walk into it anymore. Still I feel like I was born to do this to myself. God said let us make her female, black and with a deadbeat dad who got my tattooed named covered up, crippling anxiety that has given her medical debt she cannot pay off, and 5 years wasted for a degree she cannot use. I genuinely think my mom would understand if I do it. Everyone can see I am a loser. I do not have to write a note. I am so embarrassed that I keep trying, I can not do this.",Suicidal +11183,"I (20M) had this girlfriend for a little over a year. I voted her so much, and she loved me back. She was really the only person in my life to ever show me any kind of affection and love. it is not exaggerating to say she was the best thing that ever happened to me.But 3 months ago she had to move away. She decided it best to break up since there was really no way we could make long distance work. I knew it was probably the best option, but it still hurts.I thought I would be able to get over her, but I cannot. it is impossible for me to move on. She is all I can think about, day and night, 24 hours. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I have had multiple anxiety attacks, some extreme enough to where I vomited. I cannot function without her. I keep thinking about what she is doing at every minute in the day, and my brain cannot help but picture her with some other guy in the future. And honestly I physically cannot handle that coming true. That would be enough right now to push me over the edge.There is nothing I can do to distract myself. Nothing works. I am going crazy and I am scared it will never end. I do not know what to do anymore. I miss her so bad, it is killing me",Suicidal +18368,I am in a band. Things are going well for us and next week we start a tour and then we record soon after that. I feel incredibly fortunate to be in this band and love the music and the role I play.I feel agoraphobic and want nothing more than to live alone in another country where I can cycle all day and sleep. I always want to be asleep because its like being dead. I want to runaway basically. Please help me I just want to runaway and leave everything behind and be asleep. I really enjoy solitude and cannot socialise. I want to kill myself,Suicidal +22169,"So I have decided to do something pretty reckless, but something that I feel I need to do. I am going to go and stand somewhere high, somewhere that I can throw myself off of and kill myself if I want too. Then I am going to ask myself whether I truly want to live. Because right now I am in limbo everyday what it is I want to do. Do I want to kill myself? Or am I just sick of struggling and if I give it my all maybe it will be worth it. I have a feeling I want to fight, but then everyday I get up I do not do anything. So I think if I said to myself, ""Either from this point forward you fight with everything you have or you might as well jump"" it would help.I have lost everything I fought for, absolutely everything. This is the first time ever I am asking myself honestly, do you want to be alive? Like I fought so hard to make my mum proud, then I met my gf and I did absolutely everything I could to be worthy of her love. We had a miscarriage and from that point onwards my life has been hell. I then lost my mum which killed me, then after being stuck abroad thanks to covid I missed her funeral.. for me to get back and all my possessions are gone. Then my gf leaves me. So genuinely I have no reason to fight, only for a future that is not even a promise. I know who I want to be, but it is whether I have the fight and energy left to make it. Which is why I need to do what I said. Because if I stand on that bridge and ask myself ""Have I got the fight in me left"", if the answer I come back with is ""no"" I will jump. Next Week, I Might Do It",Suicidal +11077,I am killing myself the church is fake Killing myself,Suicidal +16146,"Not today. But some day. I know that the pain and depression will not stop and will only get worse than it is right now. And its pretty bad right now. Suicidal thoughts bouncing around in my head will start to become plans to Jill myself, and then the day will come when I actually do it. I am not that scared, but I am sad. I just want to be happy, but I am really really confident that I never will be. I cannot wait till I have the strength to go through with it, because it means this nightmare of a life will be over. Until then, Ill just keep going to work where they do not like me, and stay in my house all scared and alone. I just hope I do it soon. I know Ill end it all someday",Suicidal +21605,"All my life, people treats me like shit. I feel like they put all the frustrations they have on me, but why? I just cannot take it anymore. I do not even know why they do that to me. What have I done to deserve it? I feel like I am in this world to be kicked. I just cannot take it anymore. it is so hard to live with so much hate. These last few months, I am thinking about death a lot. Honestly, the reason why I am still alive is because of my parents. i have to take care of them when they get older. But I wanted so bad to die, i have such a miserable, lonely and painful life. And I am so tired all the time. I see a therapist and i take my meds, but I feel like I will never be happy. People took all my will to live. Everyone hates me for some reason, i just cannot take it anymore. I think about suicide a lot",Suicidal +9919,"Not entirely the way I phrased this but hear me out. For the past few months I have been going out and getting completely smashed, having a good time, doing funky drugs, and not worrying if I get sick, injured, arrested or even die. His mental health ridden past had taught him through his own experience that these behaviors are usually acted out by people with suicidal thoughts and more often the same people who would actually do it. Those like lil peep, Cobain, and a bunch of other characters have a similar experience with these things. If this is you you should probably seek some psychiatric help My dad told me I want to die",Suicidal +20372,I hate this The thoughts always come back,Suicidal +26454,do not give me fake hope or tell me that my friends and family will be sad. I am sad and no ones here for me. People on here are mean and make me feel 10 x worse. No one cares how I feel. Please help me go. that is all I ask Please give me methods,Suicidal +22292,"When I was around four, my brothers kicked me off a bunk bed. I do not remember if it was intentional or accidental, but it does not matter now. I fell from around 7-10 feet up and landed flat on my stomach. Had to get stitches in my chin. My whole life, I have been told I have ADHD, autism, etc. but just recently it occurred to me. The incident aforementioned is most likely the root of all my behavioral problems.All of my memory loss issues, uncontrollable emotions, and all of my problems with society in general. I probably have half the brain processing power of the average person. You can imagine how that affected my academic performance.I will never be able to follow my dreams. Its like I am stuck in a she will of my true self. The passion is there, but the motivation and critical thinking skills just are not. I have been suicidal my whole life for not fitting in, there has always been a screw loose that just puts people off. As a result, I have no friends. I think back on my life and I wonder what it could have been. What it would have been had I not had the tragic incident destroying any hope for my future. My future looks grim.I do not even want to die, in fact, I am quite terrified of dying. I just want a solution to what feels like eternal suffering. I just want the pain of my existence to end. I do not want to live a life if it means I have to spend one more minute in my broken mind. I know there is no cure for TBI. What can I do at this point to cope with my situation? Early Childhood TBI Has Ruined My Life. (20M)",Suicidal +17441,"Recently I have been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression and anxiety, and I have been given a treatment which consisted of vitamins and 5-HTP, but a month into this treatment and I am seeing no long term improvements. The only times I have felt better was when I first started (for like 4 days), then when I took a higher dose of 5-HTP, like my psychiatrist told me, and that improved my symptoms for about a week and a half.And now a whole month into the treatment I am feeling a lot better on the anxiety part, I am not that shaky anymore and I can sleep better and express myself a little bit more better, but on the depression part, I feel a lot worse. Today I felt worse than before I was on treatment. I felt like I did not want to do anything, my energy and motivation for anything was non existent. I did push myself and went to the gym, and went running for a bit, but that did not help. I am constantly pushing myself daily, even though it takes me longer than needed to complete my daily tasks.And I cannot help but think about my condition, and what if it is treatment resistant and the doctors will eventually give up on me. What then. And when that thought of even the professionals abandoning me came in my head, I could not help but think of a way to end it. Made up a whole plan in my mind, which would leave no trace. The thing is, professionals are my only hope now, and even though I can control my actions, like in not executing the plan that comes in my mind without me even wanting to think of it, I cannot control what I am thinking. I have told my psychiatrist that I think about suicide only hypothetically, on a ""what if"" situation, like ""what if I was gone"", I did not tell him I actually made up an entire scenario in my mind in fear of being locked in a mental health hospital.Monday I will have my next appointment with my psychiatrist, and I want to tell him that the current treatment is not working as intended, I just hope I will be able to hold on another week without losing my mind, because in this current state I am in, I cannot socialize or do anything and time passes really slow. I feel like I am getting distant with my friends, and none of them know what I am really going through, I did not tell anyone that I am on therapy and that I am following a treatment for this. I do not want to lose anyone. If now after treatment I am like this, I do not want to imagine how I will be in a month from now, or heck, a year, as my mental state has been worsening lately (even before the treatment) like no other time before. I want to get better, as soon as possible, I do not care what pills I might need and what side effects they have, for all I care I can lose all my libido, taste, skin color permanently, if that meant I can feel happiness again. Hell, I am willing to spend any cash just to get to that point. I just hope that is not too much to ask for. because I already lost friends, I do not want to lose everyone by the end of the year...I want to be like I was before.I want to have fun, feel happiness, be able to talk like I am in the rare days I feel good without a dark cloud over my head. I just want to experience my young adult life the way everyone else does and can. I have had enough of these awful feelings, or more like lack of feelings, lack of anything, and I do not know how much more I can take.Do you think telling my psychiatrist about my actual thoughts will put me at risk of being locked away? Should I tell him? I just have no idea what to do, I feel like I cannot trust my feelings, and my thoughts at all. Getting worse, even with the treatment",Suicidal +26169,"I guess I should preface this by saying that talking does not work. I am too damned stubborn in my baseless negative thoughts, and I do not want to burden my mom by telling her about anything so she can get me to a therapist. With that out of the way, I guess Ill just list all my mistakes that have led me here.1.) I do well in school but not well enough to go to a good college. No good college, no good job, shame for the rest of my life while my older sister flourishes.2.) I fear I am going to end up like my deadbeat dad. Id rather die than leech off of others like he does.3.) I am just not a good person. I am a downer, I do not have anything useful to offer anyone, and I am entirely replaceable.4.) my grandma just died 2 days ago, and my grandpa probably is not too far behind. that is probably the only thing that is slightly out of my control, though I did not spend as much time as I should have with them.But I suppose I cannot complain. Many more people have suffered much worse and still loved life. I am just a useless coward. I am giving up. A hydrocodone overdose is looking really tempting right now. Ill just tell my stupid little story and try to properly plan my death on my own time.",Suicidal +22772,"I am new here, i have BPD, Comorbid Depression and anxiety, organic dissociation. I just feel like a cocktail of fuckery right now, i hate being alone but find complete bliss. If I am alone i literally want to kill myself, but no plan, just a complete impulse. I suffer quite badly with substance abuse, I am currently sofa surfing, i have hobbies; playing guitar/singing and painting, but i feel I am no good at all for anything and i just give up, i just want to be appreciated. My first time being out on the streets i slept under a bridge in the local nature area and went to my ex partners the next day, my dad was never the nicest, he used to scare me a lot and i still have a hard time dealing with what he used to do and being lied, cheated on by multiple partners, i do not know if its too much information for you guys, i just need a friend, even though i have friends, it just feels like i cannot talk to anyone, or be good at anything, i can never be happy with anything i do or try to do. i do not know what to put",Suicidal +26648,"I have no reason to live and I am so fucking tired. I miss being happy, I miss having family, but now I have nothing and I feel like living is pointless. Honestly thinking about ending it",Suicidal +9894,"I went to hospital trying to admit myself, with self harm. I got stitches and spoke to the first clinician, there were no beds in the mental health ward so they wanted me to stay the night to try again the next day. I did. I spoke to another clinician the next day who no matter how many times I reiterated I was not safe going home, sent home home again because of ""no beds."" I get that - but being such a danger can they not transfer hospitals?I cannot be alone because everytime I am I self harm. All I think about is overdosing. I was weaned off lexapro 20mg in 12 days and started on venlafexine 75mg which hospital added another 37.5mg too which is only on about dag 8 of now. I know it is likely the med swap, I have got a long history of self harm and suicide attempts though and I am afraid. One side of my brain KNOWS I need to stay alive and I deserve to live and have a life but the other is screaming at me to just give up because even the health system could not deem me worthy of saving... I do not know what to do when I have already reached out to professionals, family, friends... all my history is looking up what meds to OD on and the amounts needed and the risk of failing or what damage they leave behind should I do fail.... how do I stop this it is so loud :( I am 27, swapping meds, and the suicidal thoughts are overbaring.",Suicidal +11112,"Suicide rap-All this pain and agony, every day is like its raining tragedies, my brain has had it you see, bc I am angry and mad at me, my view of this would is its lame and sad with savagery, I am tired of putting on a fake face and acting happy, so I am real with how I feel, so I am no longer wearing a mask, and now you do not want to chill and wrap with me, bc I am insane, crazy, and a psychopath you say to me,Well I say money is the root of all evil, so even though you need it to survive , you got to decide , not to be stupid people, For me its hard to be positive and optimistic, when there is nothing but negatives, and obvious impossible obstacles in my vision, so I am pessimistic, and suicide seem like the only solution that is logical, so should I slit this wrist, blow my brains out with this heat on my grill, or OD with these handfuls of pills? Either way my death still will be, me self killed bc of the guilt that made me hate me Another one..",Suicidal +23107,"As the title pretty much suggests, I do not really have any friends at the moment. Now, this is not actually due to my lack of social skills, as I have known all of my friends (who have not contacted me in months) since Kindergarten when it is a lot easier to make friends. However, in my four years of college before my pathetic ass dropped out, I never made so much as an acquaintance. there is not a single student who was at this 30,000 student campus while I was there who would even know my name or who I am in general. Not one. Add to that the fact that I probably will not even graduate and am incredibly limited in terms of jobs due to my mental illness, and it seems like there is absolutely no point at all. Who would honestly want to live like this? I have gone to sleep every night since I was 15 hoping I would not wake up, and I wake up every morning wishing I had not. I just wish I was not such a pathetic pussy so I could just end it on my own. I want nothing more than to just not be alive. I am bipolar, I have no friends, no social skills, and I am a college dropout with no future job prospects. Every day I feel like I am closer and closer to just ending it.",Suicidal +21962,"I do not understand, there is nothing wrong with my life, there is no reason I should feel bad, but I do. I went out today and that pain and sadness in my head was absolutely unbearable and it would not go away. I get so irritated very suddenly and it annoys me so much. I am always tired to the point where I do not remember how not being tired feels. I also went to the cinema and literally all I was really thinking about was killing myself. My head is so fucked up? I do not understand anymore. Hoping at some point I will just die. Why cannot I feel good?",Suicidal +16251,If I had a dog Id have a reason not to kill myself because I could not do that to them. Id give the dog all my love and attention and affection so that they can be happy and maybe eventually I will be too. I want a dog,Suicidal +25030,"I failed at way too many things I attempted, especially at my former nursing home job as an Activities Aide. No matter what I did, I never could satisfy the residents, staff, or guests well enough. I was too socially awkward , slow, and incompetent, which led to people being unable to live out their golden years peacefully and happily. Every day I am haunted by the fact that my incompetence partially caused those people's deaths, and I just want to kill myself because I inadvertent put their lives. The thing that truly kills me about this scenario is that this was what I had studied in college, and I am too broke, dumb, and sick to be able to return to school and study for a different career. I do not deserve happiness.",Suicidal +14357,I have wanted to die but i have no way of doing it what do i do,Suicidal +17264,"Goodbye. I am going to attempt tonight, wish me luck.",Suicidal +25783,"i was planning on killing myself in september but i really want to kill myself tomorrow or the next day. I want to kill myself so so badly but the only thing stopping me is that i do not want to ruin my sister or my best friends birthdays. my sister and i are not that close but i still really love her and want her to have a good birthday and my best friend is really the only person who cares about me and their birthday is at the end of august and i do not want to ruin it for them but i cannot do this anymore. i do not know how I am going to make it another 72 days, i really cannot do this, i just want to end it. i do not know what to do",Suicidal +19840,You rained on meon a dry sunny dayI loved to get wetwith youI made a mistake you made mistakes and I forgive youI hope you success in your my loveI love you Rainbye forever donr forget ypu are self centered and a bit pranois so you think people just forget other people like yo do.some people nevwr forget some people love by heart kust like you live bye heart.see you in another life maybe we could be happy there17.10.97/ 14.07.21 Rain drops ending in my chest full of desert now no rain expected bye everyone it s been a pleasure being in here with kind people. I found love and lost love hear.,Suicidal +18216,"I know why everyone hates me now,I am a fucking dumb piece of shit.I decided to attempt in some bushes near a park,with the noose hanging low.I am a coward so I tried to make myself pass out by some breathing trick I saw once,and guess who passed out for just a second,struggled to breathe for a bit and then screamed because they were so disoriented while pulling themselves up,hyperventilate for a bit and then chickended out and called their friend.I am a fucking disappointment I just attempted in the most stupid way possible",Suicidal +14136,"Warning: I am not a native speaker and I am too stupid to learn this goddamn language properly. Sorry, I am just really stupid I plan to kill myself on my 22th birthday, which is in ten months. Not now because then i will not get a funny date of death. Also, i think this way its going to be easier for my parents. Until then i have to sell as much of my stuff as i can so my parents will not have to deal with it. I also have to get rid of everything that could remind them of me, especially photos. I really do not want photos of me anywhere near my grave (in my country people usually put deceaseds photos on headstones). do not want anyone to look at my photo and think of course she killed herself, how can you live with this face??I will probably just take ton of pills and sit on a train. that is the only way my body will be discovered before it starts to sting. I live alone in the dorm and nobody is going to look for me if I die. Sorry, I do not want that. AnywayEveryone tells me that it is going to get better!! I just have to wait!! Try therapy!! But the thing is that it will not get better, i know that. It did not get better since i was 10 or 13 or 16, it is only getting worse. I am just too fat and ugly and mentally ill to have proper relationships with real people. I lost all my chances for a better future, all i can have now is being a mad old maiden who only talks with cats. This sounds like a nightmare so I am going to end it all before it happens.And the worst thing is that I cannot change anything. that is actually the reason why I am going to kill myself. I cannot do anything to get better. Therapy is not working. At least not the one that is available for me. I tried to go to the free psychologist from my college, but it did nothing for me. These free 5 sessions were just a waste of time. I mean, yes, sir, i know that I am a bad person and cannot function normally in a society because i was criticized for my every move by literally everyone from when i was 3 y.o., so what? This knowledge gives me nothing, I am still a bad person. And paid therapy is not an option for me because I have no money. Like, it costs ~$400 a MONTH. And I will not get better in a month or even two or three. Plus, I will probably have to pay three or four other therapists that just will not work for me. ~$250 just for something that will not work. My grandmother's funeral cost (costed? were cost? i do not know sorry) about $1200. that is 2,5 months of therapy plus those therapists that will not work. it is just cheaper to die. And every time i ""got better"" i actually was just ignoring how bad everything was. Like in the trailer for We Happy Few, where main character was eating a cake but once the pill stopped working he realised that it was a rat. So yeah, I am eating a rat and i cannot do anything about it. The fact that I am not thinking about my problems does not solve them. I was writing this for too long and i forgot what exactly i wanted to say and what was the point but yeah. I have ten month until i kill myself. And i cannot do anything about it because I am too broke and just too far gone Killing myself in ten months on my 22th birthday",Suicidal +18945,"You have no idea how hard it is to grapple with these feelings when you are pregnant... my mental health has declined to probably my lowest point ever, and I feel so guilty for wanting to find a way out while I am in this state because I will not be ending just my life, but another one too. But I just cannot take it anymore. I cannot go through a single day without thinking of ending it all anymore. I thought loosely of giving myself maybe a week to try and fix the shit in my life that is beating me down before going through with it..I feel so stupid, afraid, trapped and just so completely alienated and alone. I have no one. No therapist, no people I know around this area, just no one. I hope I figure out what to do eventually, because I only see one option for me if I cannot. Pregnant and suicidal",Suicidal +11770,"Please answer me, I need this life to be over already. Would it be a relief if I am dead? Would I be happier?",Suicidal +17207,"I am going to kill myself. If anybody has a gun plz let me use it, cuz I am tired of hearing people's bullshit that things will get better I want to die",Suicidal +13533,I should have died 14 years ago in a car accident instead of my older sister (4yo) meanwhile I was only year and half old. 0I should have died one year ago when I jokingly (or not) pointed a gun at my headI should have died one and half month ago when I overdosed on my medsI should have died 2 weeks ago when I told my friends one of my biggest secret and overdosed an hour later.Will I really be able to kill myself successfully and just find peace?Will I hope so... I should have died,Suicidal +26951,"TW !!Ed, mental illness, assault, csa, and self harmFor context I am 18(f) and there is two other people in this story who wil be V(f) and C( m). I have been in a relationship with C for almost two years, and we have broken up but got together a few months ago. C is also in a relationship with V and I are in a talking stage/ the start of a relationship. (Were poly if you want a shorter explanation) I have dealt with undiagnosed mental illness for years, such as an eating disorder and possible bpd/ ptsd/ depression. I am only diagnosed with autism, and it makes it hard for me to read social cues, which will be important later. I was also sexually abused at a young age, which I have only ever told C about, and C is very understanding bc he experienced similar issues. During high school a lot of rumors were spread about me from an ex boyfriend my freshman year which led me to be sexually harassed by many guys, and a lot of the time physically, and this absolutely destroyed my mental state. I fell deep into an eating disorder, convinced it my body did not look feminine and instead looked malnourished, all the sexual male attention would go away and I would be safe. V, also experienced some issues but I do not know too much about it, like anxiety and depression and she is said she might be autistic but I am not sure because were not too close. My point in sharing that is that people of the things we have experienced we always make sure to ask for consent and ask constantly. Recently, V asked us to do something that implied asking for consent more, and of course we said yes. We have sleepovers at Cs house and V recently moved in with him. We tend to be semi intimate but were always good about checking in on each otherOne time I was over there and was next to V. C got up to use the bathroom but a little before that he asked if she wanted to cuddle and she said maybe later. When C left I did cuddle with her, and asked after already I started to, not realizing that I should have asked before I started. A few days later C called me and explained the situation and only then I realized my mistake, and since then I have apologized to both of them, and talked to V offering ways I could be better, but she has not responded to my texts. I hate everything about the whole situation, I am crushed by the fact that I unintentionally hurt her by a careless mistake. Since then I have barely eating for the first time since I started recovering from my eating disorder and would have started self harming if I had access to blades, but now I just want to die again for the first time in months. I know. Only one way I could do it and it would be extremely painful but that is what I deserve. I am fucking horrified that I have done something too similar to the people who have sexually abused/ assaulted me and if I did something like that truly unintentionally, which it was unintentional , I do not need to live anymore and hurt the people I love. Worst mistake of my life and I only have one way out",Suicidal +13717,"I do not do anything serious in self harm but i scratch myself pretty badly and it really just does not bother me. I noticed that when i feel pain i have no reaction to it and i stay pretty stoic while its happening. Anyways, i thought i stopped caring about my problems. I have not, I have just gotten a lot less emotional about it. I used to cry about every night, i guess I have just had enough so now i just feel it all on the inside. I started being an asshole to my friends again, i do not really care about it though i just thought it was worth mentioning. Thanks for reading this if you did. It means a lot. If you did please comment that you did because more than anything it helps to know that people are listening. Thank you. Pain does not bother me anymore",Suicidal +25578,"I guess this is my suicide note.So my name is Yasir Hanif. I use the alias Daniel Steel because I have been using it since 2015 and think it is cool. I am Muslim. I am also homosexual. I am 17 years old - i was born in 13 September 2003 - and I have decided that death is only the last option for me.Life has been pretty fucked up since 2021. I hear people say that 2020 was bad but i had no problem at all during that time and was relatively happy. 2021 was really bad. My life is destroyed. I have nothing left. we are middle class citizens in a 3rd world country and it is awful. I used to live in a foreign country and it was awesome there. its been 6 years now since i moved back. This year was so awful i do not have any reason to live anymore. first i lost a cousin. After that i lost my aunt to covid. one month later i lost my grandma. she died 2 weeks ago.I am a 12th grade student. i wanted to be a gamedev. my father hates my life. i did not tell him that i want to be a gamedev. i just told him i wanted to go in the computer field. he forced me into biology in 9th grade. then he forced me into pre engineering in 11th. i was begging him that i want to study computer but he is not happy about it. he hates my decisions. I hate myself. my father is very controlling. i am honestly glad he works in a foreign country. but he is coming back and he will fuck me up. i do not love my self either. I am 17 and I am only 5'1. I am overweight as well. i am pretty good in school and get very good grades. but my father just fucks me up every time.everyone in my family thinks I am a loser. they tell me I am worthless because i do not play sports or have any friends. they never understand me and often criticize me. they are right in thinking i am disgusting.its taboo to be homo here. when i was 14 i figured i was homo. i was stupid. this kid kept hitting on me. one day before school started he told me to follow him. he took me to the bathrooms and raped me. then he told me that he would tell everyone if i said anything. he told half the class. i was harassed every day in school. after 10th grade his friend threatened me and took me to his house. he would do this every week. i was forced to have sex with him a lot. i never told this to my parents. nobody knows I am homo. i endured that man for 2 years. he left my town a couple of months ago. i cried in the bathroom after that.high school was great. i loved 11th grade and i was so happy. then covid came. still, i was fine. then this bullshit happened. i have my final exams in 5 days. and I am going to fail.I have never failed in final exams in my entire life. but this year i will. classes never happened. in the last three months i started to go to a tutor. it was a lockdown here but nobody ever bothers to follow guidelines. but it was not enough. i do not know anything this year. I am not going to get good grades. my father will disown me and throw me out of the house. he will not pay for my college. he is been mentally abusing me so much. he kept telling me that he would not pay for college if i did not get a scholarship. and hes a man of his word. he will not do it.so I have decided on a plan.i know my paper is not going to be great. if by gods miracle it is, then i will stay. if not, then i will jump off the roof of my house. I have recorded a suicide note on my phone. maybe my parents will see it.i know nothings going to get better. my entire life i longed to have a friend. just becuase I am introverted does not mean i do not want friends. but no one will be my friend. I am just scum and i always will be. my little baby sister is the reason i eat and sleep and live. but i do not want her to have a useless brother. she will have to live with a complete mess that is me. people will mock her for it. i will not let that happen.so I am going to kill myself. if you read this then thank you. do not stop me. i just hope to god that none of my family members ever find this post. i do not want them to be even more disgusted than they already are.bye. My plans",Suicidal +11539,"I hate myself so much, I am such a bad person and I have done so many wrong things thorough my life, and I cannot forgive myself. I am fucking awful. I have failed as a human being and I do not have a good reason to stay alive. I should have killed myself a long time ago.I want to believe that I am going to be dead this year or the next one. At this point, being dead is just my goal in life, and as soon as I am, everything will start to be far batter for everyone else, and I am 100% about that. there is just no way for me to believe that people actually enjoy living in this world",Suicidal +26605,I just feel like walking out onto oncoming traffic hoping I get hit and its not my fault. No one listens to me.,Suicidal +11323,"Nobody listens to me. When they do, they tell me they do not want to hear my ""poor pity me"" bullshit. I try reaching out, i get ignored. I try and get better, and I am reminded that i cannot. I have hurt people. I have caused people to cut. I have caused somebody to get shingles. I cannot get better and even if i could i do not deserve it. I have caused so much pain and i cannot do it anymore. I have been through this several times already. I cannot do it again. I cannot ever make up for the damage I have done. I have to die. I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +18928,"I still feel some slight hope that things will get better but mostly, I just feel empty, angry or helplessly depressed depending on time of the day. I am 25 fucking years old, I have been through so much trauma, the only person I could ever see myself spending the rest of my life with is dead, I cannot even fake that I am okay convincingly enough that the people who are dumb enough to care about me do not worry. I am in pain every single day of my life. I cannot go one day without having a flashback, anxiety attack or panic attack. My body is a mess. I am trying to hold on but I absolutely feel myself slipping. I want to stop pretending",Suicidal +8753,"I have an exam after 10 days I am doing good But still thoughts in my mind always tell me I am going to fail horribly i try to calm myself but its just suppress it for sometime and this cycle keeps repeating itself I cannot take this anymore this fear cuz grab me and i start thinking about how i will end up with no job, no future, no nothing cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +19198,"Everything wrong with my life, and the pain and disappointment of everyone I love is my fault. I have no way to undo, make up for or help in anyway. The crippling pain is more than I can bear. I know their lives will be much better without me. I love them to the core of my being. The only way I have to make amends is to unburden myself from them. I cannot believe it has come to this. I love them all too much to not set them free of me. Teetering on the edge. Scared the plans that calmed me, may come to fruition",Suicidal +37471,29 and missed my chance at love death cant come for me fast enough 144 iq thats 9983th percentile i also have a ms and ba from top ten schools cant figure this out somehow i am too old to attract someone i am attracted to and i am behind where a ivy graduate should be 42k at 29 years old in a temp position its just not enough to make me worth something i am so tired of not being loved for who i am and envy the attention women get i dont think i will ever be wanted like that just not good enough,Suicidal +18797,I made it according to 4chan. I fixed my social life. Threw away the computer. Started being successful with females. Gained muscles. But because my dopaminelevels are fucked I keep getting depressed all the time. It literally does not matter how much fulfillment I accomplish. I still feel like shit alot of the time. Thinking about suicide has been a common occurance for me since I was 15. I am 22 now. When I think about killing myself. I feel relief and I feel contempt. I just want to end this pain that never goes away ADHD fucks with my head,Suicidal +22606,"## 8/06/2021## First, If you are reading this, that means that I have either succeeded in ending my life, or I am back in the hospital after attempting. Anyways;Thank you...so much for putting up with me. Thank you for...making these last few years so...amazing. I cherish every moment of every day...watching you all live and laugh. Growing into the successful and amazing people you are. There were plenty of laughs...amazing stories and characters, and a lot of fun. In the end, I am so thankful for everyone in my life, and I am so sorry I had to do this to you...I know, you have wasted time trying to save me from the inevitable....eventually you will forget. Memories are so unreliable, and I tried picking a semi-insignificant date, so its even more forgettable. I am sorry that you had to experience this, but it was inevitable. I am sorry I wasted your time and resources thinking that I had some shred of hope for a future. Part of me wishes I have done it sooner, to rip off the Band-Aid but...I had hope back then. I had fun while it lasted...at least a bit. Was the fun worth it? Going through the motions knowing the day of my death? Pretending everything was going to last a lot longer than what it actually was? I am...not sure.Nobody can blame themselves, I am the one responsible for doing this, Nobody can genuinely feel guilty for not knowing this would happen (I have taken extreme measures before this so people would not find out so its not your fault in the slightest. ) Some of you will-I know you all. you will blame yourself for not knowing...wishing I would have told you...and there is nothing I can do to stop those thoughts, but to say that I hid this incredibly well. Nobody knew this was coming but myself. Perhaps in the final months you might have thought something was up but...I know how to lie...I did it with my first few attempts, and this one was not that different. To those who have hurt me, you have been forgiven from the very beginning. To my belongings, Go to \[REDACTED\]. I am so sorry. I know this means nothing with the irreversible damage I have done but please. Take what you would like. The air fryer does need cleaned...so does many things. Please though, pick out anything. I hope you can put them to good use. Otherwise, the rest can go to \[REDACTED 2\], then the other friends (Also the money in my bank account. Not much, but should be enough for that loan you gave me.)I know it will be tough, butthings will improve in a later date for you. They will. They always do for people like you. you will rebound. you will get better. I can get its a bit hypocritical for me to say that...but you will. You have no choice. The world continues to move, and you will to. Perhaps I am posting this early just to get the catharsis out of the way.Should I add anything more or...is this ok? Thanks",Suicidal +26847,"Pog, if you are reading this, I am probably dead. About 9 months before my oldest brother was born, I did the maths on my parents ages and it worked out that my mother was barely 16 at the time, whereas my dad was almost 34. Which is pretty fuckin creepy. This also predates the solemnization date of their marriage by about 6 months. As a kid, I was basically treated like the favourite child, fuckin royalty by my mother. Which is not a good thing, honestly. She pretty much treated me like a toddler until I was about 13, shielding me from everything, i.e. sex, kids that were not my colour, etc. She also did some really creepy and gross shit, like forcing me to wear nappies, showering with me, to a very creepily late age. Its probably why I act so immature and childish, I literally do not know how to grow up. I am always going to be an annoying fuck :DDD She also started going on real weird power trips, like screaming about how I should know my place over the smallest things, and buying sticks to beat us with :)))Anyway, cos I was treated like a favourite child, it caused my four siblings to fucking r e s e n t me. I remember one time, when I was 8 and he was 17, my brother kicked me fuckin hard. He had to move out for a few months. I was told the reason why is cos the police were investigating that thing, turns out my sisters made false rape allegations against him. My other brother also told me the entire family breaking down was my fault (This was when I was 7 or 8, its probably why I apologise for fuckin everything. I do be ruining everything )Every day, my dad used to come around. My parents got divorced cos my mum wanted to get a job and not be a stay-at-home mum, and my dad got pissed the fuck off. He lived in the second house we had, my mother kicked him out and got the first house in the divorce proceedings. They fought every fucking day, a couple times it got physical but most of the time it was just yelling. During one of their shouting matches, I remember my dad shouting something that he only came every day for me, because my other siblings are old enough to go see him whenever they wanted. I felt hugely fuckin guilty cos it was literally my fault that everyone had to deal with these fights cos of me, so I eventually moved out in 2017 because I hated the feelings of guilt whenever he came around. That shit backfired anyway, because I was seen as the fucking enemy by my mum, as if I betrayed her side of the family when I just wanted the fighting and shouting to stop.Right after i left my mum, my uncle (head of Maths at the school I went to) got me a school therapist who was actually just his mate telling me by Islamic law I should respect my mum and go back to her because otherwise I will go to hell. I reported him and he got fired, but it left a sour taste in my mouth, I fucking hate therapy now. shit I do not remember the dates for.Finding a picture of a young girl (like, a toddler.) in a swimsuit hidden on the family computerMy brother putting my mother in a headlock, and almost fuckin choking her out.I also have a feeling I was nonced on as a kid, because I seem to have the symptoms other victims have, ie. repressing most of my childhood memories, hypersexuality from a VERY young age, and a fear of males in general, to be honest.I just feel like an accident. it is less that I want to die, I just wish I was not here in the first place. Taking up space, annoying people, making tons of mistakes, hurting people I care about. At this point I self-harm because I deserve the pain. Even as I type this, I am marking up my skin, scratching my wrists and my torso. It stings, but I cannot stop doing it.I try my best to be a good person. I give food to as many homeless people I can see, I try to be supportive and caring, the kind of friend I always wish I had when I was suffering. But I cannot help feeling like its not enough. I am not enough for anyone. All I ever wanted was to make people smile, to help them as much as I can so my existence is not a complete fucking waste.But I keep fucking up, I keep hurting people, I keep on being a cunt. I do not know how to fix myself, and I am starting to realise I cannot.I just want to know why I hate myself so damn much.I am sick of being an outcast, all I have ever wanted is to fit in, to be normal. But every time I look in the mirror, no matter what I do, all I can see are my parents, and what they fucking made me. I need to force myself to remember Ill always be alone, instead of getting my dumb fucking hopes up whenever I meet a new person. Because they will abandon me sooner or later. My story (TW Sexual assault and Self Harm)",Suicidal +36439,Living as a hardcore empath is so hard. I'm tired of being nice and putting emotional labor into those who are undeserving,Suicidal +11853,I tried to suffocate myself the other day and of course I could not succeed. I just feel like a worthless burden to my friends and family. they would be better off without me I am sick and tired of being alive,Suicidal +18241,"she is never happy with me, I am never good enough. I cannot help that the city I live in is filled with bike thieves, I made sure to lock her bike and everything, I could not help this yet she blames everything on me and says I have to go out searching for it which will take hours. I feel truly alone in this world ; ( My post is forgotten like usual. Its like everyone secretly agrees with her! My mother hates me and wants me dead ; (",Suicidal +26175,"I have been sleeping excessively the past two days because its the closest I can get to death. I have never felt so close to committing before. As I wake up and doze off again I just plan out what I am going to say in my notes but I cannot even get up to write them. All the sharps in the house are gone now, so I was thinking of breaking the mirror in my room. But Ill probably pussy out. Just like last time. I wish I had the fucking guts to just get it over with. But Ill probably just go bad to bed lol. I cannot stand thinking. Being awake and having to think. do not even have the motivation to write my suicide notes",Suicidal +36640,"@ohvember,Portland, OR,every kid has had a tantrum today i dont want to be here i dont want to hear anymore crying i just want to go home and pet my dog",Suicidal +19839,i just found this one & i do not know how i did not find it before. I am in tears goodbye (I am sorry) - jamestown storywhat are some of your favs? best songs about suicide,Suicidal +9617,"my life is literally falling apart mom kicked me out and shoved me, i walked around town barefoot for about 2 hours or so before she let me back in, and now I am going to go stay with my grandma and be a burden once again do not know if I am going to stay on my mom's insurance or not and I do not know if I will ever see my baby brother or my cat ever again after I leave in the morning I am 19 and unemployed, have not brushed my teeth in 9 months, completely broke, and a high school drop out so yeah hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha not sure if I should just OD and get it over with or keep going because it is starting to hurt more and more each time I remember what is going on. cried myself to sleep while holding my brother and forgot I was stuck on this nightmare only to wake up and remember it was all real. if only I had just resolved to kill myself sooner this would not have happened. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. anyways bruh moment",Suicidal +11219,"Someone to dedicate their entire life to saving you? Someone to take on your sadness in their empathy? Why cannot suicidal us be happy with people continuing to live their lives as normal? If they check in every day is that enough? there is only so many pep talks someone can give when you say you are suicidal, so you start lying and say you are fine. No one is fixing you because no one can. I guess it feels like no one cares because we do not care about ourselves anymore, and that is scary. Unpopular opinion: What does the suicidal mind even want when it says no one cares?",Suicidal +17354,"i guess I am just failing at everything. i never wanted to tell anyone in the first place, but i feel so awful and alone and the panic attacks keep coming anytime i let my mind wander too freely. i just thought maybe it would feel better to tell someone but they were too busy or did not understand my attempt at a serious conversation. i do not blame that person, i know they are not heartless and would care if i could ever just find the words. I have closed myself off and hid my feelings for so long that i really do not even know how to use my voice anymore. not for things that matter, anyways. I attempted to tell my friend I attempted",Suicidal +23411,"Hi,I am a 28 year old (she will of a) man from the UK suffering with **severe** depression and most likely an undiagnosed mental illness!I entered such a dark corner of my mind that I tried to take my own life in 2016 and I lost my bottle at the very last moment, now I am what I call, stuck alive.I saw the potential effects that my suicide would have had, everyone told me how upset they were and how distraught they would be if i died.I also remember being distraught, distraught that I had lost my bottle and been saved, distraught that I had woken up in the nightmare I tried to escape from.Ever since that day, I have been stuck alive, too depressed and suicidal to achieve anything, believe anything, want anything, feel anything... Angry at myself and everyone else that I am not dead and do not have the bottle to end it, my step brother died a couple of years ago from an accidental recreational drug overdose and I wished it was me, he was only 18! Why is the world so cruel?This of course highlighted again how devastating a death in the family would be.Each day that passes I slip deeper and deeper into despair, I know this is happening I just cannot stop it, meanwhile my partner of 13 years has become a full-time alcoholic that blames me for every problem she has within herself, I am open-minded, but something tells me if she left me she would quickly discover these kind of problems are rampant within people our age.I am struggling to see the point anymore, pre-pandemic I was doing my dream job, still wanted to kill myself but found myself being too busy to even think about it that much... It was more of an inconvenient intrusive thought at that stage.We scraped our way through doing any work that was available, being mistreated at each company of course, I fear the mental scars that my partner and I now both have on top of our pre-existing issues is just too much to return to normality.She is pressuring me to have a child, people our age tend to feel like we are failing due to seeing previous generations achieve things that are 10x harder for us to facilitate, like providing security and stability for a child!I am receiving professional help, albeit very slowly via the NHS but the poor buggers are overrun as usual and things do not move quickly at all, I am wondering if other people can relate to this permanent lust for what is quite simply a smidge of happiness, I have never felt joy or pride or love and that is all I have ever wanted, I do not need money I just want fulfillment, I just want to wake up in the morning with no immediate desire to die!Let me know if you relate, I seem to feel better hearing other people relate to me otherwise I convince myself I am the problem! Maybe I am??? Am I Dead?",Suicidal +15672,"So, I am having this weird sort of experience where I am accepting the fact that I will suicide, and I am looking forward to the day where I have everything set up just right. ? Okay. Anticipation",Suicidal +24865,I am going to do it now. Just lost my only friend. Now i have no reason not too. Should I cut or hang myself? Which would be easier in your guys opinion? Maybe both is the way? Maybe I am so lonely and fat and ugly and alone that I deserve all the suffering. I am so jealous sucidal mfs with friends. They have reasons to live. WHAT DO I HAVE? I HAVE MY FAT FUCKING UGLY PIECE OF GARBAGE ASSHOLE FACE TO KEEP ME COMPANY. FUCK IT I am DOING I am going to SHOW THEM WHAT THEY DID TO ME. MY ABUSVIE SHITBAG EX MY SHITTY FRIEND GROUP ALL THE BULLIES AT SCHOOL EVERYOJENI HATE THEM ALL So lonely,Suicidal +10755,"The need for cuddles, but you know you are ugly, what do you do honestly dying actually does not sound half bad Any label for my problem?",Suicidal +14365,"Curious as to what those people feel after surviving a suicide attempt. Also, what do you wish those around you could have done after your survival? What did it feel like when you attempted.. and then you woke up in a hospital bed, or in the ambulance, or wherever it was that you were found? What was life like after?",Suicidal +11608,One step at a time. Feels wrong but looks like I will have to overcome this feeling since it is logical Decided the method,Suicidal +14010,"21F. I am ugly, fat and stupid. Depression has aged me beyond words. I have physical pains everyday and my skin is so dull and gross. I have been hated since I was a kid. I cannot remember any happy time during my childhood. All I remember is the abuse and pain I had emotionally. I do not enjoy anything in life still. I cannot feel pleasure. Chatting to people used to make me feel good..now I feel nothing at all and do not even want to. I just wish I could take some poor kids cancer away and inject it into myself. I am the worthless one who will never amount to anything..I stopped college because I am too fucking brain dead to do it. I wish someone would fucking shoot me in the head already I hate myself, my life, everything",Suicidal +18832,"I have been wanting to leave this world ever since I was 13. I am 25 now and every year since then it is only gotten worse. It first started when I was 13 and realized I was gay and even then I knew what that meant. I knew I would be hated, despised by society and viewed as a subhuman. And I know that even more today. That remains the biggest reason why there is no hope for me. I am not going to change the world or society, if I were to end things, it would technically be a moral good since I would be ridding society of someone they think is an ""evil, subhuman, satanic, degenerate"". So there is that, and that alone is reason enough. Then there is the fact that I am a fat, ugly pos, basically an incel. Never even had a friend. Have worked stupid dead end jobs, cannot get ahead financially. I am a total failure and have succeeded at nothing. And sometimes I do not think I deserve to. Wtf is the point? I am already 25, cannot change most things even if I wanted to. I have 1 serious attempt in the past and it came very close to succeeding but i really do not want to risk it again. Idk why society wants to hate people then not even provide them a safe, reliable, medical option to leave this place. Feeling like leaving for 12 years",Suicidal +22728,My life is painful enough Least painful way to die,Suicidal +20909,"I am feeling the lowest low I have felt in a while and I am seriously considering hurting myself for the first time in over a year and none of my friends are available because I have self-sabotaged all of my relationships in the past two weeks and I feel like my mind has been preparing this for me to finally kill myself. I have severe bpd with auditory hallucinations, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and a circadian rhythm sleeping disorder. I do not want to live like this anymore. An interesting title",Suicidal +9415,that is it just made a guy cum just to feel better about myself lol. a little less suicidal at least i hate that i hypersexualize myself to cope,Suicidal +14743,Someone else could step in and do a better job at literally everything. Any good that I have done is far overshadowed by my uncontrollable anger. If I could die and have a clone take my place I would do so just to spare others from my hurtful angry ways. I guess I am just selfish and need attention.,Suicidal +12084,"hi, I am 19.I am undergoing chemotherapy weekly for an auto immune disease, the chemo makes my hair fall out. I am currently taking heavy medication to combat the hair loss but it causes erectile dysfunction, so i have to take medication to combat that. i also have to take another medication to combat the chemo making me feel sick 24/7. i studied to be a personal trainer but discovered i cannot really gain any muscle due to the chemotherapy and lost motivation. my condition is also not curable and i will be undergoing this treatment until i die. i have bad acne scarring on my face and have been diagnosed with autism and depression. i had a girlfriend but she left me when she found out what my race is. my parents are divorced and i do not have any friends. i was smoking cannabis everyday to combat medication effects and my body has now become reliant on it, this is an illegal substance in my country. i do not know what to do... reading this back crying makes me think all i wanted was a friend to talk to about my problems but nobody fucking cares. maybe someone will read this when I am dead. Would you want to live in these conditions?",Suicidal +10595,I am fed up of everything and there is no fucking way I will get out of this depression and the problems I am facing.SOMEBODY KILL ME! PLEASE I BEG YOU. I want to DIE.,Suicidal +36770,so i have been in a suicide rehab center for the last month i am just over life it is not sadness or depression i just give up it would just be easier to be dead ,Suicidal +8818,i feel like i have nobody to talk to i have my mom and my therapist but i cannot talk to them. I am 13 and i have attempted countless times and i just lost my best friend who meant everything to me and i just realized how shitty of a person i was a few years ago.. i have nobody and I am on the edge,Suicidal +12833,tried to kill myself and now I cannot deal with the guilt of trying to do itit's eating me up inside what do I do?,Suicidal +36988,"He:I knew that even if I reached my dream, it could not be everything. I love you. I was sick that we could get tir… https://t.co/Vg9o3u1JZh",Suicidal +37387,Why did I even come back I want to fucking die I'm tired of everything,Suicidal +19990,"I just feel very tired to be in my head all the time dealing with anxiety and the bouts of depression that come like a big wave that submerges me into a dark place- where I cannot function. My dad died when I was 14 and its just me and my mum. I am 26 now but I still mourn the loss of my dad like it happened yesterday. she is one of the reasons I am trying not to kill myself, at least while she is still around. When I was younger I thought that if I died Id get to see my dad again but then I lost belief in god or even that possibility happening but I still want it to end sometimes cos I am so exhausted of just feeling sad and alone. I have a boyfriend who does not understand or try to understand nor empathise with me. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he loves me even though I am depressed or even though I have anxiety. Not constantly make me feel like I am not good enough. Why cannot he be kinder and more compassionate :(Someone tell me it gets better and that I will not always feel like this. Someone tell me i do not have to die for it to go away I close my eyes and think of killing myself sometimes",Suicidal +13866,I know this is a selfish request but I figure id rather talk to someone and maybe prevent them from harming themselves? I practiced committing suicide today.. I told all my familys I loved them and hug/kissed them all. I even gave my pets one last hug. I ended up not going through w it after crying but yeah if anyone wants to talk to just distract ourselves then I am here. Anyone willing to talk? make time go by...,Suicidal +18376,"(Sorry if this triggers anyone) I am sick of life I am a 16 year old loser, mentally ill (Aspergers, social anxiety, anxiety abandonment issues, trust Issues , sexually assaulted many times, and soooooo much trauma) i do not want to be a massive burden to my family and 1 friend anymore.cannot even make friends not even online (well only 1 but I do not want to burden them because they have their own life) I am the most boring person you will find in existence because I have tried so hard to like stuff and then just burn out so I have no reason to live no ambitions for what I want to be.Been a miserable person since I was born never been super interested in stuff. I struggle with EVERYTHING you name It heh I am that much of a loser I have failed suicide multiple times none of the multiple Methods I tried killed me (will not name them for the safety of others) but I have a plan now that will 100% kill me guaranteed.In school I am the loser that nobody talks too unless I speak to them first which hurts so bad because I missed school for months once due to depression and not one person even cared to check up on me and when I came back nobody acknowledged me. I honestly do not know how I am going to be able to support myself in adult life when I struggle so hard with basic social skills so this is another reason I want to leave this earth.My parents are trying their best with me and it hurts to see them stressed all the time so I am going to ease their stress, yeah they will be sad I am gone but at least they will not have to deal with a sad sack anymore. I know you may think its selfish, but i been in pain for so long I cannot take it anymore. Sorry needed to vent, also sorry for any bad grammar mistakes I am not thinking straight when typing this. TLDR: I am tired and sick of everything and just want to not exist",Suicidal +26502,"I just want to isolate myself and be forgotten. My ""friends"" will not care if I am gone or my family. Hell if they do, they will move on. It feels like as soon as I reach for help, I get a slap in the face. I just feel alone on this. Is it bad?",Suicidal +13059,I am tired of being alive and suffering every day of my life. I pray literally on a daily basis that I just get hit by a bus so I can end it. I lose everyone I meet. I am so tired. All I am is tossed and used and thrown out. It never gets better. I do not have a man who loves me and wants to commit to me. I do not have a job. I just want to die. I started cutting again. My ex that I have to live with for financial reasons saw at the pool today. I am going to keep cutting. I just want it to end. I keep cutting my thighs. I do not give a shit. Nobody cares about me anyways. My family dosent care and Ill never succeed or get anywhere in life. I hate being alive. what is the easiest way to end it? Seriously someone tell me. I do not want to feel pain when I kill myself. I was thinking about sleeping pills but I do not know man. I just want to die,Suicidal +24006,is vertical or horizontal. which one works better best way to cut,Suicidal +20504,"i said too much. i said too fucking much and ruined it again. maybe this is it. maybe i have found the will to let go. maybe i can finally have the courage to end it. but as he always said, who know. i should have just shut up",Suicidal +27023,"This is suckThis is suck manIt's too painful I do not want to be alive, I am token and the world is broken.",Suicidal +7829,"Hi I am new here, I actually created this account because I have no one to talk to.Last October 2020 I quit my tech job due to burnout. I had a boyfriend then and he was really supportive. Earlier this year I keep on getting sick, I had chronic sinusitis. Now, my boyfriend and I broke up and he already moved on. He looked so happy, I have never seen him that happy during the entire 6 years we have been together.I feel so alone and such a failure. I lost everything that gave my life meaning. I do not want anyone to tell me it will get better or I should try harder, because I already did.Every night I am praying and wishing that I will not live so see another day. It hurts, I am tired, I do not want to be here anymore. Unemployed for 10 months and now severely depressed",Suicidal +18402,"I have often passively ideated it, but I feel like I am sinking more & more into active ideation where now I really do wonder if my story will end with me dying by my own hand. A huge part of me really really wants it all to be over because I am so tired of living in the US & being part of the system, but another part really does want the story to get better. Like maybe I *can* leave the country & end up doing something I love.I do not know if that is likely though. I think its super likely Id just end up sad & alone. I do not really have family. & all my friends have their own lives with lots of families & other friends. & I am so far out of the norm because I am not cis & I am neurodivergent & I do not even know much about falling in love because romance is a huge scary mystery to me that I just do not understand or really experience like normal ppl do. I like film studies though. & I love helping people. & I have had an excellent academic career so far (finished undergrad). Id really love to be a professor someday & help students the way my professors have helped me. Id like to help make education more inclusive & accessible. But its getting harder to be a professor these days. Grad school could be a lot more affordable in other countries, but I am not sure yet if there is even a film studies program out there for me that is still affordable. It might be a little bit too niche. A lot of the world is not friendly for nonbinary people. Its getting easier in some places, but its still hard. It makes me wonder if there is a place for me in this world when everything is the way that it is. I have friends who care about me, but even when I did reach out for help, so few answered. Only one sounded really genuine. I think everyone is tired of me. & that hurts too. I do not think Ill be ending things quite so soon, but its always on my mind. I keep asking myself whether living is really worth it & when, if not, will I finally initiate the final act? *Sigh.* I hate not knowing. I keep weighing the possible rewards of keeping my subscription to living against the relief of no longer having to pay for it. Even then, I still feel like I am in a trial period except I do not know when its going to end. When should I have a decision? I wish I knew! I wish it was easier. But who does not, though, am I right? Oh well. I feel like I am constantly deciding whether I am going to keep my subscription to life.",Suicidal +16664,"Hi all. My ex of almost 4 years told me that, before I called things off, she attempted to end it. But she did not tell me this while we were together. I just found out a few days ago when we chatted for the first time in months. I do not know how to feel. Ex was suicidal when we were together",Suicidal +13295,Oh Why are there so many members of this community but such few active ones? Surely there would be a reas-,Suicidal +25456,"Wendy Orlean said that taking your own life is ""a fundamental right that anyone in a free society should have."" Ever since I have read that it has been stuck with me. I do not think I am depressed. I am 17 and have thought about taking my own life for a while; strangely not in a depressing way but a calming one. It brings me peace to know that I can leave this world whenever I want. I have attempted suicide. Failing it was the most embarrassing thing. I was certain I would be gone forever, so waking up in the hospital shocked me with nothing but hopelessness. I was not happy to be alive like those who regretted their suicide attempts were. Why? Humanity has really failed me. At 6 years old I was molested by this family friend, he would have been in his 20s. This continued till I was 12, so for 6 years I was molested and it is the only memories I have from early childhood. He would pin me down on the bed, lock the door, cover my mouth when I screamed, bruise me. My mum knew but she let it happen. (do not worry I already gave the police my statement early this year). She would tell me it was because I wore shorts. She would say he was just playing with me. She would warn me not to go upstairs alone but I did not understand why and so when I did she made me feel it was my fault. I was 10 then. He has a child now. I know, but I told the police at least? I feel abnormal. Like I am less human, out of touch with everyone else. No one took my trauma seriously when I told friends. ""you are being dramatic,"" ""You sound jealous,"" ""Not everything is about your problems."" Confirming my abnormalness. I have gotten help, anti-depressants, therapy, turning to the big guy, and the law of attraction. Grades, art, music, books, movies, boyfriends. They have been a good distraction but I have really had enough. I want to leave this world. I just want to rest in peace. So...help? How do I tell my friends in a non-scary way that I have decided I want an out on this world? That it is something I have thought about ever since I was 12. That this decision is very clear in my mind. I know I am young and I have not experienced the world, like travelling and all that adult stuff but I do not want that. I want to disappear from Earth. I am planning to do it in a few months when high school finishes and everyone has taken their exams. Maybe the holiday after High School finishes so no one from school knows? (I have no social media, I am pretty much invisible). I am aware of how selfish I am/sound and I apologise. It took a lot of being selfless to get to this. Help?",Suicidal +9255,please kill me in my sleep. please let me have a fatal allergic reaction to my second dosethis has been going on for years and it has only gotten worse so sick of coming back here again and again,Suicidal +13543,Sorry for my spelling and grammar and if this is the wrong redditI hate who I am or whatever I am though I am not even sure I know who I amNo skill no talents hit real hard with the ugly stickI keep away from family as to not ruin whatever they are doing even on my birthday I keep to my room so they and have fun and enjoy themselvesAlmost 30 and my mental state keeps me from getting a job so I get put on disability Year younger brother is far more successful and better off then I am so why bother keep going? My pills are right here ready to take me awayThey might be better off without me holding them back friends no longer have to worry about walking on eggs shells and family well they already ignore me as is so nothing really changes thereIf me being gone means they can have better lives I do not see why notAll I want if my family to be happy and I truely feel not having me in the picture will helpIf you read this thank you for taking the time I just felt like saying something or anything to the void Just need to say something,Suicidal +26511,"Please, it would really appreciated if someone was willing to chat privately for a while with me Can someone please talk to me...",Suicidal +19635,"I really thought about ending it all today but I did not know how. People are telling me things will get better but I do not believe them. I cannot do this anymore. I need to not be here. Please, anyone talk me out of this. Help me please",Suicidal +22831,"I do not have a dentist. I do not have any ""healthcare"" (I do not think anyone does, actually). I called around hoping to get a prescription for penicillin or erythromycin hoping I could get a dental appointment. Everyone assumes that people are lying and using an abscess as an excuse to try to get opiates. I am in a lot of pain. A lot. This tooth looks like the jagged top of a mountain erupting from my gums. I look like I got punched in the jaw. I need a prescription for anti-biotics. I cannot get it. They would prefer I die. And at this point I hope I do. I fucking hate all of you. You fucking selfish, greedy, fucking monsters. I wish my death could mean something. It means nothing. I am just worthless, stupid sack of human fucking garbage. I have an abscess and want to die",Suicidal +7169,"I could write and essay on why. This is the tip of the iceberg.Also, I probably want you to validate my thoughts or behaviors which is shitty.there is this girl I tell I love. Its a long story but I feel like she is lied to me. I feel like she played with my feelings.Well, I still tell her I love her and I want to be with her so badly.But honestly idk if I like her as a person.She used to be abused and today when I was thinking about everything and blaming her for hurting me in my mind I thought about telling her I understood why her ex abused her. Out of anger imagined myself telling her that and then I thought about all the good conversations we had together and I broke down crying.This is a fraction of what is wrong with me.Please tell me I can just die. I do not want to deal with any of this anymore. Can I have permission please",Suicidal +8899,"I think its time for me to say my final goodbyes to this Earth. There is so much boiling hate with the people I left and the people that have left me. It was all worthless since the day that I came to this hell they call Earth. Nobody can save me because I am impossible to save. do not even bother saying that is its all going to get better. The void inside that I have does not get filled, but gets even bigger everyday that I wake up to this fucking pain. I went through so many suicide attempts and I think I do not regret every single one. I do not want to know about what is going happen next with my goddamn life. Every fucking voice in my head is always telling me to die a fast death. I think I have reached the point where there is nothing else to discover. I said I was going to kill myself pretty soon so I think this the way my life is going to end. Thanks for 18 miserable fucking years. I think I fucking had it with all the bullshit. There is no goddamn reason for me to live another day.",Suicidal +18703,I have tried and tried and tried and tried and been nothing but a failure. I have tried everything you name it. I am 28 facing a conviction I will never work again this world is not for me do not comment say please stay or I will delete it Got my rope ready and just waiting for these drinks to kick in,Suicidal +22716,I have planned to die at the railroad tracks but somebody else is trying to die the same way as well but they got the attention of the police and the police made a post about it looking for them will it harder for my attempt to be successful? If somebody else wants to kill themselves the same way and same place i have planned to die as well will it be harder for my death to be successful?,Suicidal +20129,"I made the decision yesterday that today I will be passing on. I wrote my note of wishes, letting whoever finds me know what I want done with my body and belongings. I just hope my demands will be honored. I have never wrote a suicide note before, in the past I just made the attempt, but now I have a few things that need to be taken care of. I have no one to say goodbye to, so Ill just say goodbye to myself, the dreams I had once, the art I created, the art I never got to create, and all my pain. It hurts knowing no-one will ever know me or my story, nor will I be remembered. But at-least I got to share one thing, before I leave. Todays My last day",Suicidal +19376,All this trauma I cannot take it. I cannot handle all of this fucking drama. I HATE IT. I loved you. I miss you. I just want to talk to you holy fucking shit,Suicidal +17485,"I feel like it would help contribute to closure for the people around me, even if the people in my life have done unforgivable things to me, I think they still care about me.Do any of you have a draft already? What do you think are the important contents of a suicide note that could relieve feelings of guilt for anyone around me? Are you guys planning on leaving a note",Suicidal +26994,I just want to die. Let me die. Please just make it end. I am so alone.,Suicidal +10834,"I have only 1 person I can somewhat open to but I have only done so to a certain extent and try to refrain from doing it at all for the most part. I feel guilty as if I am bothering them with unfairly dumping my bullshit onto them and as if I am doing it for attention or pity. I honestly have no clue how long this will end up being. Whether this story grosses you out, makes you hate me, or even if you choose not to read it, everything is fine with me. It does not really have a point. I just felt like Id never actually let my thoughts out properly and so this is my trashbin.Was raised in a single mother household and never knew my father. Mother divorced him for being psychotic and threatening not only her life but the lives of his children as well. This was after years of her holding out believing it was her duty to sacrifice herself to let her children have a financially stable home with 2 parents. We ended up in a very low class town with minimal income but my mother worked herself to the bone with low paying jobs in an attempt to make sure we still had as good of a life as she could make. Unfortunately I still ended up being a weird kid. Not really sure why but I have always wondered if I had a disorder that was simply never noticed and properly diagnosed. I know now though that I have severe anxiety problems which were hereditary. She spent every last ounce of her strength just trying to provide for the family so she had very little left over to actually raise the children. Once I got into the public elementary school my weirdness ended up with me never developing any connections. Eventually there was severe bullying. I would never paid any attention to it till my most recent years when I started to reflect on why I am the way I am now, but I know that some of it definitely mentally changed me in very not good ways. Though all these years I never thought of it as such. For what I believe was the reason above I ended up dropping out of the school system after at least a year of problems. The biggest was me refusing to go to school by faking epileptic seizures as a way to get out. I actually had epilepsy but all of the ""seizures"" I ever had at school were fake. The final nail in the coffin was 1 particularly violent bully beating the shit out of me and stomping my head into the concrete pavement for almost a minute like he was playing dance dance revolution at an arcade. Teacher was too scared to physically stop him I guess? Stayed out of the system for like 3-4 years while the public school shut down. We live in an extremely economically dead town. Like the majority of the towns roughly 1000 population are under the 10k annually mark (including us) and barely survive solely off government benefits and the low cost of living. That was when I first started to seclude myself off. It was not terrible but at the same time I had no real social connections. I did things like go on occasional outings with family members and such but I had no friends or social groups at all. Eventually I started to really dive into my playstation 2 and slowly started sticking there more and more as time went on. My grandparents both finally fell down ill due to old age. My grandmother developed parkinsons and my grandfather went through several bad falls as well as slowly developing dementia. This was an unbearably huge amount of stress on my mother who was already being torn apart by how hard she was struggling to keep the household up. Eventually she decided to sacrifice her job in exchange for taking up the home healthcare position of taking care of my grandparents. With this she would work literally next door to us, be able to take care of her parents when no one else in the family would, and she would still make an income. It was shaky but things were still fine back then. Around the age of 11 or so (bad memory of things back then) she decided to pay a heavy amount of money to put me back into school. There was a VERY small little private school in town that was run by an older gentleman named Mr. G, 3 teachers, and maybe a total student body of 25 or so children in various grades split between those 3. 2 of them were very nice older women named Miss D and then my teacher named Miss N,. I guess I had problems with anxiety but eventually I managed to be somewhat happy. Unfortunately the third teacher, Miss P who was the daughter of Miss D, was a very difficult person. She had extreme anger issues, seemed to just dislike children as a whole, and had absolutely no patience for anyone who lacked. Miss N was a much more Elderly woman than the other 2 and at some point she became far too ill to continue her teaching job. The remaining kids were mostly moved to Miss P's class with the only exceptions being the much younger children in the lower grades. Every single day was a living hell for me. The simplest way to describe it is that she held extreme animosity towards the weaker kids. If you were falling behind in the pace of your work, or if you were not producing grades that she was happy with, or if you did not understand something, she just hated you. When you did something like this she would threaten you, scream at you, talk to you like she was about to physically beat the shit out of you, oftentimes not so subtly threatening to actually do so. She used intimidation like standing directly above you in your seat and silently glaring you down. it would be even worse when she would bend down and put herself right in your face and start with her threatening. Or she would take a heavy book and slam it in front of you. There were at least 2 kids that definitely had learning problems, like a young little blonde boy named Tyler. The poor kid would often be the last to finish his work, or maybe it was even a group of 3 of us. she would slam her hand down on her desk in the corner, look at us like she was about to kill us, and then tell us in the most threatening manner that she could muster ""Get it down NOW"". The school had a physical discipline policy that was based on parental permission. she would often take Tyler somewhere to beat his ass with a belt when he was not performing like she wanted. The other method she used a lot was what I liken to a military ""shark attack"". she would take the student to a separate part of the school, plop them down in a chair, and start shouting in their face. She berated them on why they cannot do what she wants them to do, why they cannot do it fast enough, why cannot you understand this or that when you should be able to understand it, and when some poor kid can only respond with ""I do not know"" she just lays on harder. She always told us that we CAN do it how she wants but we are just lazy or do not want to do it. Or that our parents did not raise us properly.The principal, Mr G, apparently knew about some of this but Miss D did her best to protect her daughter. Some of the parents would become aware of this and many different students over the years would get taken out because they could not handle Miss P. Miss D was honestly a nice and good hearted person but I guess she simply loved her daughter and did not want to see her fired. I still do not know to this day how the school had not been hit with any legal problems but maybe what she was doing was not considered abuse or anything.Eventually history repeated itself and I continued to miss more and more school. I would wake up hours before it was time to leave for school because I was terrified of going and could not sleep. A lot of times I would cry on the way there and beg my mother to not force me to go. I think I had a hard time explaining to her why I hated school so much. She knew the teacher was causing issues but was not sure of what to do. Because she was soft she would let me skip school pretty often on days like that, but she was also pressed as she was paying the school a huge fee monthly for me to go, I was losing a lot of school work due to missing everything, and she was also legally pressed as there was a child law stating that you could not miss so many days of school. Finally after so long of it she mentally could not handle juggling my problematic school life and her other responsibilities so she pulled me out. I was labeled as being homeschooled so we were legally safe but I never touched a single bit of homeschooling work at all. Same situation as before. I had not managed to build any relationships with people and had no connections to social groups. I went back to my little room and continued to play video games. As the years went by I became more and more secluded and slowly degenerated as a person. Stopped interacting with even my family members, stopped leaving the house for days at a time, stopped interacting with my mother, stopped interacting with the house, ect. Then came things like neglecting my basic hygiene, neglecting my responsibility to assist with the household, ect. I am not worried about revealing this as I can remain anonymous but I believe my hygiene and standard of living was probably far below what most people could imagine. At the worst points of it I could have gone a month or over without bathing and years without brushing my teeth. My room had become a literal vile trash heap filled with soda cans, junk, dishes, and rotting food. How I never contracted some horrific disease is beyond me, and somehow I came out with a perfectly healthy set of teeth despite horrible yellowing. Through it all my mother destroyed herself trying to deal with me as a life sucking parasite living in the back of her house and her slowly dying parents that were succumbing to old age and terrible illnesses. I sat by staring at my computer screen, having basically no human interaction with anyone and even amongst online groups still being a weirdo that never got along with people, not paying attention to both her and the house falling apart. Even in my little computer world I was not satisfied though. I still do not understand a lot about myself but I believe I sought out video games as a form of fulfillment as I have nothing else. I looked towards competitive games or extremely grind heavy games as a way of feeling like I could accomplish something and feel like I had worth. Unfortunately I quickly learned that I was pretty mediocre at these things as well. Even if I could happily play a game 10, 12, 14 hours a day I still could not succeed how others could. I started to learn very quickly that regardless of what I dived into I was also lacking. I believe this led to my complex of believing that I am incapable of doing anything at all. Somewhere at around the age of 18 I got some awareness and finally realized where I would gone. Spent all of those years thinking ""No way I could end up like this. that is impossible."" and then suddenly I open my eyes and I am already there. Seen my husk of a mother dealing with a dysfunctional family, both from her children and her siblings. Seeing everything I would loved as a child decayed and gone. I had a cousin named Jeff and his father named Sammy who I loved more than anyone else when I was a kid. When I was much younger Jeff died after a life fighting against cancer which left his father and mother broken. Instead of trying to connect with my uncle which could have done us both good I instead spent my time shutting myself off from my family, and eventually he also passed away from a broken heart and crippling illness. I cannot tell you how much I regret that. In 2017 my grandfather finally passed away from his problems, and then about 1 year later my grandmother followed after him. That was the end of my mothers employment and thus any income we had. Her mental state was destroyed by the years of stress and then the loss of her parents, and she was already in her 50's on top of being physically worn out so even if she wanted to try she was no longer fit for work. I was a pile of shit with mental issues who could not even interact with people properly anymore much less join the workforce. What little education I started out with had been completely forgotten and I forget how to even write. I can still write letters but there is almost no way I could handle anything past a few simple words. I only relearned how to write my name in cursive because I had to start filling out my own paperwork in hospitals and such. I never actually remembered or possibly even learned how to use proper grammar and punctuation. What I am doing now is only from me copying what I see other people do and trying to figure out how it is used from there. I have tried self learning things in the past but I get overwhelmed and it feels like I cannot grasp anything no matter what I try. We spent the next several years in financial hell. Begging friends and family for money where we can just to keep utilities and internet on, of course using government programs for things like food stamps. There were plenty of times where we would lose electricity or water anyway as there is a limit to begging and what others can do to help you when they are struggling with their own lives. Our relatives in Texas were a bit more successful and it was in large part thanks to them that we even managed at some points. Even still we have had situations where we lived without water for months before, electricity for weeks, ect. We also managed to rack up a utility debt to the town which is where we would lose the water a lot. It was due to an error on their part where they failed to shut off our gas line and thus charged us for utilities we did not use. We were constantly hit by struggle after struggle but life continued on. Somewhere along the way I developed a back disability. It could have been hereditary, it could have been a random occurrence, or it could have been a result of my terrible lifestyle. I do not know the answer. At first it was not anything major but it slowly progressed to be worse and worse as time went on. After so long we started to piece things back together through a few different methods. Specifically we relied on a deposit that originally belonged to my grandparents but my family handed it over to us since we needed money the most. Then my grandfather's precious car that had decayed away in his garage was also sold. This money at least helped us for a few months until we finally managed to get more government assistance and deal with the town. We managed to get a program that pays for our electricity and then got the town to ignore the debt of our water bill for the time being while we pay a small amount every month to keep it on. Eventually though I started to crack. Over the years I refused to swallow the notion of depression. I had lived my entire life by having my mother take care of me, sacrificing herself to deal with me even though she should not have. I had not changed my ways much but I started to develop a mentality that I did not deserve anything from anyone, especially not the right to be depressed. I would have moments where it would creep up on me, but I would throw it away and ignore it. However time went on and the guilt only piled up. I could not change my ways or do anything to change my life. I am nothing but a burden and I cannot change it. The fact that I would always revert back to my ways and the fact that years went by without any sort of change killed me so much. Then one day about a year ago I watched a motivational video from an old man who started from a truly low position in life. He was a bright and strong old guy who tried to convince the younger generation that they can do it and that he understands that life is hard for people in these times, maybe even harder than it was in his. I watched a few of his videos and the only thing I could think was ""I am nothing like this person. I cannot be as strong as this person. I cannot change my life like this person. I am sorry for failing."". that is when I first started hurting myself. was not anything major. Was an old pocket knife and I did not aim deep. And you know? It felt good. Not in a physical way of course. I would been taking so many painkiller/muscle relaxer pills that I did not feel much. However I would always thought that I could not even commit suicide if I wanted to because I would be too weak to even endure the pain or have the guts enough to because it. But those few cuts proved me wrong. I could do it and it was pretty easy, and that made me happy. For about a week I would continue making cuts here and there just to continue reaffirming that feeling of accomplishment. I just passed the cuts off as my huge cat losing his marbles and attacking my arm. Since I would never really interacted with my mother much and never allowed myself to show any sort of symptoms of depression she did not even begin to suspect anything else. But then an argument happened. It was something stupidly simple. I had a pack of meat that I wanted to take out of the freezer to defrost, but it was 2 separate packs joined in the middle by tough plastic. I could not separate it and lazily threw the entire thing into the fridge to defrost. My mother stopped me and proceeded to lecture me about how I always waste so much food and I got annoyed. I just grabbed the meat and was going to chuck it back into the freezer for another time but then she got pissed at that as well and jerked it out from in front of me and started telling me how I am always so childish, impatient, lazy, and ""I am beginning to think that you will never change"". This one little line broke something. I thought to myself ""She also understands that I am worthless and that I will never change or become better"". It was like I knew that she knew the entire time but hearing it and thus confirming it is an entirely different thing for me. Even though I of course knew that is not what she meant I could not help but think about these things. I quietly slinked off into my room like I normally do but once I was behind a closed door and was not being bothered I silently broke down. I cried, I laughed at myself, and then I started cutting more. This time was harder. I was angry at myself with how fucking pathetic and disgusting and how much of a soul sucking worm I was. After a few larger cuts than normal I really broke down and finally started going for real deep wounds.Then I looked out of the corner of my eye and noticed an old fish fillet knife on my desk. I enjoy knives as a hobby so I had a lot of different stuff scattered around my room. I took it, thought about what sort of damage I could deal with it, and I was happy at the thought. To avoid explicit details I ended up with 4 deep gashes. I was not sure if I was necessarily thinking of committing suicide with that or not. I almost wanted it but I also avoided cutting directly on the wrist and also remained aware the entire time that I knew a better method to ensure it would work if I committed to it. I did not feel much of anything, maybe not even the slightest burn. could have been adrenaline, could have been the pain meds, could have been both. However as I sat there for a while breaking down further and further while I continued to bleed badly the thought crossed my mind that I could have actually done potentially fatal damage. I never really had a plan to begin with for hiding such massive cuts but they were far beyond the point of just wrapping them up and pretending it was nothing. that is when my legs gave out, my vision blurred, I became ultra light headed, and my arms and hands became extremely numb while tingling super hard. Id suddenly got scared and thought that I might have killed myself somehow. I stumbled to the front of the house and showed my mother what happened. Told her I loved her and was sorry for failing her and then just sat down on the kitchen floor and just kind of blurred out from there. A nearby off duty EMT rushed over and took a look. Nothing fatal as the knife had been dulled over the years without me knowing but stitches were definitely needed so she patched me up as best as she could and I was rushed to a hospital in a far off city. Closest city could not accept me due to covid or something so I ended up going to a larger but further away city. Mother cried so much on the way there and she was absolutely traumatized. Ended up saying goodbye to her at the hospital entrance and then sat in a holding cell for what was probably about 3-4 hours. Went through the process of getting patched up and once day break hit I got shipped off to a mental facility nearby. I spent about a week there. I had more human interaction in that 1 week than I had in the entire 10 years leading up to that point, and most of it was me silently sitting in the corner. Despite that though the facility was not worth anything at all and I am still not sure how people are cured there. Maybe it was a holding facility and not an actual hospital but I do not know and never cared to know. It was just a depressing common room where everyone just sat around in uncomfortable chairs, drank decaffeinated coffee, and tried their best to sleep through the day until they were allowed to go back to their rooms for the night. Met some interesting characters. The people in there ranged from people with major disorders, to people in drug remission, people coming off an alcohol trip, and even something like anger problems. Got to meet a gorgeous young hood girl named Audrey who I instantly developed a crush on and also got to experience what it was like having a roommate even if I absolutely hated it. Was picked up by my mother and uncle after my week was up and really had not received any sort of help or counseling. Id felt like an entirely different person though just finally being around people and even briefly opening up about myself to a few people around me. Had some sort of psychiatrist call center try to help me afterwards but all it amounted to was a group of random people who I formed no connection to calling me up whenever they felt like it to ask me if I was ok and if I needed any more meds. I was probably at fault since Id already had a hard time opening up but I felt even less inclined when it was someone I did not care about or know over the phone. Suddenly for a short bit I had family members swarming around and feeling like they had to somehow help me. Was given my first cellphone as I had not ever needed nor wanted one previously, and not but maybe a few weeks later my cousin contacted me to tell me he wanted me to work a part time job. Its really low hours which works in my favor with my disability and its a simple cleaning job so I can pick it up so easily. I thought of this as a first step that would hopefully give me a mentality that I can do better and I can be of use to people. The money is next to nothing but for the first time in years we do not have to ask someone for assistance the moment we need even the smallest of things. Can keep basic household items around, keep my pets fed, try to keep bills paid, ect. After about 2 or so months I turned towards fixing my back. If my legs recover from the severe muscle pains I experience when walking then I could hold a full time job with good pay and from there its just a slow process of building myself up. The ineptitude I feel, the lack of education that haunts me, the disability that holds me back, all of it could be fixed with some time. I felt so happy and it was such a new feeling that I had not felt in so long. that is when everything quickly came caving in. So far my doctors and related medical procedures were all moving at a crawl. I spent several years dealing with a doctor that had to be demanded to move through several visits before they would actually do something, and I repeatedly kept getting thrown back and forth between tests and random crap. I ended up in physical therapy several times but that never amounted to much because apparently government health insurance does not afford particularly quality or motivated therapy sessions. That went nowhere fast and so Id spent the years up until that point just hopped up on a high dose of painkiller/muscle relaxers. However all of a sudden everything sped up real damn quick. There was immediate discussion about consulting a neurosurgeon which we spent a while trying to find due to not only the limitations on what the state had available but also what we could find with our insurance. Dumb doctor seemed optimistic and told me it should be easily treatable. Finally got to meet my neurosurgeon for the first time and he was even more optimistic. He spun a tale of how so damn easy and quick it would be to fix a busted disc and that even if the back pain was not 100% cured there was no way he could not fix it up so that my legs were not fine again. Said everything was a guaranteed easy operation. So on my very first consultation due to my naivety and stupidly thinking I could trust doctors I agreed to a surgery. Short version of that is several shady things happened with that doctor and after about a month or 2 of recovery I could safely say that not only had the surgery failed but I was not at least 2 or 3 times worse off than I was previously. Now that were later into 2021 I have been told after a follow up visit that the disc is no longer salvageable and the damage may yet get worse as there are signs that more discs will degrade and blow out in the future. A surgery to potentially stop the problem from worsening has been suggested but all of his previous enthusiasm is gone and he believes there is a good chance the rest of my discs will go bad regardless of what happens. For now I am taking more pain meds than before just trying to keep my little job together but who knows when that will start to fail as well. In that time span of my cutting incident to now I rose up higher than Id been in years only to fall lower than Id ever been before mentally. Things like my hygiene have gotten to acceptable levels. I still have anxiety about so many things that eat away at me on a daily basis but I have gotten better at talking to people even if I cannot manage to build social connections. But I have completely lost hope of ever escaping poverty, ever having a body that is not too weak to do what I want, trying to build a normal social life and make up for all those years I wasted, or even escaping from behind my little computer screen. Any time I try to think about it, or when someone tells me what I should be doing, somewhere along in that plan that I am cooking up I reach a roadblock that stems from something of these 3 issues. I have come to hate everything about myself and where I am at now. Even if I try to explain it away I still blame myself for ending up like this. Suicide seems to be the only thing I can think about now as I have lost all form of motivation to even do the things that I once enjoyed. I am simply trying to pass through each day until hopefully I hit another emotional breakdown that will give me the push I want to overcome everything else and just end it. Rather than wasting my time and spending my entire life self loathing and living like this I decided that if nothing changes by the time I am 25 in 2 more years Ill resolve myself to end it if I do not do it sooner. Venting and dumping my story here if that is fine. it is ok if it needs to be removed for whatever reason.",Suicidal +10026,"I am stuck in a never ending cycle of setting goals or getting my hopes high for things that epically fail,I have been basically doomed since birth and I have come to realize maybe nothings going to improve so why should i stick around?? just to live an unhappy life full of debt, missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams Nothing goes right and everything stays the same",Suicidal +21262,What happens if my family cannot read my note? My hand writing was shakey while writing it is my time to go I guess but I have a question before I do,Suicidal +18635,"I am tired of everywhere I turn for help. Someone has something that I have wanted in life. A significant other, friends, or something that makes you happy. I am fucking tired of being envious of everyone. I know life is not fair, but I cannot help feeling this way. My life is a fucking mess. I do not want to be alive anymore. I do not want to be alive anymore.",Suicidal +20853,"Hi,I cannot sleep because I miss my dog, so I am writing to keep my mind occupied. Here is a little background about me. I have never been popular with women. I do not know why, but they typically do not find something about me attractive. I am not hideous, and I do not think I am an unattractive person. I treat people with kindness, and I am not socially awkward but for whatever reason, I have never had much luck with women. I have had a few successes with women that did not work out. When I was younger, it did not really bother me because I figured I would eventually meet someone. Now, I am 40 and it is impossible. I had accepted the fact that it was not going to happen a couple of years ago. Sure, I did not want that outcome, but I made peace with it. I have always loved dogs. They are truly are the best creatures on the planet. A couple of years ago, I took my savings that had been saved over several years of working and bought a house. It was a nice comfortable modest house with a nice yard and I adopted a beautiful dog. he is so sweet and loving. He is my best friend. I was still sad about not having a significant other in my life, but hey. I at least had my dog. Then I made the biggest career mistake I have ever made and left a good company for more money (and perceived security) because the economy was not doing well. That job was terrible, and I suffered from depression and anxiety about it. I was unable to find another job that paid well in that city and now I am in one of the largest cities in the country. it is a fine city, but impossible to own an actual single family home with a yard. Everyone lives in apartments and condos. I do not have a problem with it, but the dense urban environment was not good for my young and large dog. He was so used to being able to chase squirrels and run around our yard. He was so happy. I held out home that my company would allow me to work remotely because we had been doing it successfully so I could move back and buy a house for my dog. Sadly, they are going to require us to return to the office, and I knew then that I would not be able to afford a house for my dog. He was really is miserable in my apartment. We went on walks a lot, but there is very minimal green space here and his entire personality changed. He went from being happy all of the time to being sad. I made the difficult decision to rehome him this weekend. he is back in the city we came from with a nice and loving family that has a beautiful house with a yard. He instantly lit up when he saw the yard and took off running and playing. I knew it was the best decision for him, but I miss him so much. He really was the only reason my life is worth living. Not having my dog is not the only reason I am depressed. I have been lonely for a long time, but my dog was literally the only reason I smiled at all. To be honest, I would have probably killed myself had it not been for having him. Now, I find myself in this apartment alone and looking at pictures of my dog playing in my old yard and thinking about what I lost due to my mistake of leaving that job. The hard part is knowing I will never get that back. Because I just recently started this new job, I cannot really leave without screwing up my resume. it is not a bad company. it is actually a good job, but I do not understand why they will not allow me to work remotely. That being said, it is not my company, so it is what it is. I just really miss my dog. He was really the only good thing in my life. I am giving myself 3 months to allow time to hopefully have this feeling pass. I doubt it will because I have struggled with it for years, but I still have some hope that my life might change. Maybe I will meet my dream woman on the subway to work tomorrow? Maybe my company will allow me to work remotely and then my new special someone and I can move, buy a house and have dogs. that is really all I want. it is amazing how even something minor like that seems impossible, but that is all I really want. I will start this week putting my financial affairs in order like a will, etc and try to enjoy the next few months to the extent possible. I have a camping trip with my dogs new family in about a month where I will get to day goodbye to my dog. I truly home something changes in the next few months. What I have learned is that I do not really want to die. I just want a life that I cannot have. And not having that life means my future will be lonely and miserable. Short of something miraculous happening in the next few months, I will be gone. I just hope people will remember me well. I am not perfect, but I hope I am remembered as a nice person that loves animals. Rehomed my dog in preparation.",Suicidal +15404,"Honestly, I know I want to die and end my worthless existence. Yet, I hate the fact that my survival instinct kicks in and stops me. It makes me hate myself even more which leads me further to wanting to die. It is an endless loop I am trapped in. This is why I will never resent someone who would murder me and would be grateful to them for doing what I could not. I Wish I Had The Courage To Kill Myself",Suicidal +24739,"I wish that we all were equipped with a Self Destruct Button that we could push when we wanted to be done. They it would lead to a quick and painless death. I love animals and I am a bit jealous of them because when they are in pain, they get peacefully put up sleep. No option for humans without public outrage Self Destruct Button",Suicidal +17810,"I definitely do not want to live but I also do not have the courage to finally just commit suicide so I am just kind of here, suffering Limbo",Suicidal +14350,"I am sorry to post this to other people dealing with suicidal thoughts, I never want to seem like I think that is the best option for ANYONE even myself.I am Bipolar and have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a young child (I am now in my early 20's) Initially a lot of childhood abuse and poor living conditions contributed to a feeling of deep sadness and depression... That being said as the years have gone by, I have started to realize that my suicidal thoughts have very little to do with being sad and much with a lack of desire to be alive and a dislike for the things that happen in this world.I used to write it off because I had people, things, and plans in my life that mattered. But after going through a divorce I have come to realize that most every person in my life has left, and Its made me realize I that it does not matter if I die and hurt anyone to me. If someone is hurt by my passing, it has no impact on me if I am deceased.I do not care for my original career plans, I do not want to have children, and I do not care about hurting people by passing.Has anyone else realized that their suicidal thought have nothing to do with sadness or even depression or hatred for yourself, but just a hatred for the world you live in?Not sure if this is the wrong place for this, I am sorry if it is triggering to anyone, I just want to talk about this because I feel lost in other support groups I have talked to. I honestly want some thoughts here",Suicidal +9262,i want to fucking crave filth and virgin ito my skin so everyone sees how much of a loser i am i want to fuckign set myselkf on fie i want to be used as fertiliser fuck a grave I am not a huamn i ndont dservr one I am not a human i do not want to waist a singal person time on me i deserver to be mocked and humiliated kill my go on bitch dealeet me fuck you I am tiered of being a subhuman mongolid,Suicidal +8532,37.795120 -122.44502037.794440 -122.43321037.793690 -122.404460,Suicidal +11970,Have you? Have you ever held your breath so long your tongue is dry as fuckHave you ever laid next to someone who does not know they want to be laying in the room next door. Have you ever realized you are on repeat in the worse way possible. Have you ever thought writing might help but it just makes you understand more while your by yourself. Maybe this is supposed to help but its only hurting right now. Just nice to write out my thoughts somewhere,Suicidal +16575,"I cannot keep putting off, I cannot keep putting it off. I need to just hold the gun again my head and do it, and then it will all be over just so so quick and Ill be okay I need to stop procrastinating, grow a pair, and do it",Suicidal +13422,"fell in love, got too invested, and now I am left with no purpose to continue living. i cannot endure the pain of losing someone forever anymore. every time i close my eyes i think of dying. helped me figure out how to end things as painless as possible she left me.",Suicidal +25955,I am just done. Its almost 3am and I am about to cut my wrist open idk why I should stay any longer I am ready to end it all,Suicidal +14712,i always say I am lonely but whenever i meet someone online i end up just getting away and stop replying then i feel guilty because i could have made a friend to talk with i swear i do this on purpose,Suicidal +22084,Hi guys its time for my death. This is my second proper suicide attempt and I am ready to die. I am ready for eternal blackness. I cannot wait to not be haunted by him anymore!!!I am so happy why am I crying? My nose is tied to the cieling,Suicidal +16642,"Girlfriend broke up with me. Made a stupid mistake and lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Life without her is just....empty. I am just existing. Everything's pointless. Friends and family have poured support but I only want her. I know I am being selfish and cruel to those who care for me (and even she still cares for me, just does not trust me) but life genuinely seems meaningless. I am empty and heartbroken. Driving myself mad with guilt and missing her and the new life I am forced to be in. Its not the change I wanted. And I desperately just want to go. there is no point to me. No point to my existence. I am just another speck on an overcrowded planet. what is the point.I do not want to be here anymore. I do not see the point anymore.",Suicidal +18055,Please I need it really badly I just want to be happy forever. Someone give me magic to make me happy,Suicidal +13772,"I have tried for 15 yeats to get psychological""help for my ocd before i switched to medicare an after being in hospital five times I am done...I have been drinking a lite of alchol week for ocd. tried copious amoumt of meds icluding seroque, lithium and zyprexa.I am reaching my end and okaywith it I am done..even if i do not want to accept it..",Suicidal +26583,"I was raped at age 7,then beat up by the friends of my rapist for being ""gay"".Mentally and physically abused by my bipolar mother until it got so bad she lost my guard to my father after she beat me and my sister so hard we went to the police.After getting to my father's house were 6 long years of tremendous phycological abuse,I was kicked out of my house a total of 3 times one of those spending a year living in my grandfather's house.Backstabbed multiple times by multiple ""friends"" who just used me manipulated me and discarted me.4 relationships were I heard the word ""Love"" followed by a sudden cold shoulder and a goodbye over the phone for no apparent reason.I live alone in a apartment with no one trying to get to college ,no mother,father, sister friends or anything,only a cat that I am afraid would die of hunger if I kill myself cus I spent 1 month with no cellphone and had no call or knock on the door,if I had driven my car into a wall and died maybe my cat would get a new owner and not die starving,so I did thatAs soon as my car was about to hit a wall while I had no seatbelt at 90+ KM/H another car passed by blocking the way, I almost hit the car but I managed to avoid a car crash and killing people who had nothing to do with me.I rather die than spent one more day living in this purgatory,I have night terrors from past traumas,some sort of PTSD sometimes I shake and fall on the floor.Why am I still alive?What does it take for me to finally end this? No mother,father,sister,brother,friends.",Suicidal +37449,Damn this is hardcore. I hate myself for preheating so many ovens against clear AP style. https://t.co/uWN48qF0nT,Suicidal +27157,i need to get my girlfriend help. I am so fucking scared that it is going to be too late and if something happens to her I am going to feel like it is my fault for the rest of my life but not even that i do not know what the hell i would do without her. our relationship is long distance so i do not know how i can get her help. she says she does not need it but if you are suicidal yes you do I am so scared please leave any suggestions you have i do not know how I am going to get through this how do i get help for someone who is suicidal?,Suicidal +21628,"No family, no friends, no colleagues. Everything I do I do it on my own. Its hard. I will keep going but I desire so much in life which I just cannot achieve, because I lost hope. I feel like I am the most avoidable person on earth",Suicidal +11620,"People always say how only you are in charge of your life and shit, but that is just objectively not true. You need other people to do things like hire you, befriend you, love you. there is only so much you can do for yourself. I was the youngest child in a homeschooled family with 3 other kids and by the time I popped out, my parents had pretty much stopped caring about what happened. I spent most of my childhood alone or hanging out with the characters I created in my head. All of my sisters and family members are constantly talking about how I ""missed out."" Missed out on the fun things they used to do, missed out on having a dad who gave a shit about me, missed out on most people even giving half a shit. I have been so starved of human love and affection that I recently realized I was in love with one of my characters. How pathetic is that? I am like Lars and the Real Girl but even more cringe. Relationships have never worked out for me, platonically or otherwise. The only friends I can keep around are all hundreds of miles away and if they knew me in person, they would probably leave too. I did everything ""right."" Went to college, got straight As for the almost decade I was there and yet I still cannot get a job that is not a scam, keep any friends around, or find someone who thinks I am worth more than just sex. I think I just grew up being socially fucked from being alone all the time as a kid that there is no coming back from it. I have been praying to gods that I do not believe exist to give me just one thing that will make life worth sticking around for for over a year and there is absolutely nothing for me here on this earth. Every day and every rejection I get from the outside world just pushes me further and further into my head and the paracosm I have created there. I know it is not realistic, but I hope that death brings me there. I see nothing in this life worth living for. What is left? Working slave labor hours to be underpaid and struggle to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of my life until global warming fucks up the earth so bad there are endless wars and famines? what is the point??? I am done.",Suicidal +18539,"no matter what happens, I will not give up till end of this yr. Everyday I think about killing myself but I will fight it No matter what, stay alive for few more months",Suicidal +18640,"It literally feels like God is stopping my attempts at doing anything I want to with my life I have been trying to buy a car and the last two times the people changed their minds and sold without telling me. The car I had to save up for for like 3 months had a blown head gasket the owner did not tell me about, bought it sight unseen because I really wanted it. My last girlfriend joked about me wanting to drive cars and said ""just make sure you do not buy one with a blown headgadket haha"" and that is exactly what happened. it is like God or some force is confining me to some narrow field of reality where I have no control and feel as though I am being groomed to be an artist/musician. Every time I try to break away from the patterns and behaviors associated with that it is like the force returns multiplied. My latest forceful effort being performance car driving. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis. I am 32 and live with my parents and I did not used to think it was a big deal and I have never been a freeloader or at odds or consistently mean to my parents, it is been relatively normal since childhood. Yet my last girlfriend and all of the internet friends I had were so nasty and spiteful to me about being my age and living with my parents still whenever they got angry or had a bad day- then they would go back to trying to be sweet or talk regularly. I am a felon because I made a mistake at 19, I have been in and out of mental hospitals for time windows of a couple weeks about 3 times- clinical depression then schizophrenic diagnosis I begged for because of my last girlfriend convincing me I was when it turns out she was cheating on me since day one, I did not go to college, I have never had a job that made more than 14$ an hour and could not hold them well except for a job at a custom ceramic pottery store called color me mine that my last girlfriend convinced me to quit(I literally broke down and cried at work) because she kept saying how I was not making enough money to move in together (a long distance relationship) even though she would never give her word that she would be there once I saved enough, the reddest of flags for that relationship- she is a decent person I will not say anything else about her. I liked making art and playing guitar and some people liked it, never really applied myself. I felt like I was getting too old to pursue that dream. I got out of the mental hospital and just started working hard and went off meds. This is the longest I have ever held a job and I make 11$hr. I figured after all of the car deals went bad that I should just play guitar and see where it takes me and then a guy I consider a friend at the store said ""oh, so you are going to be a rock and roll loser"" when I said I might just give up on wanting to be a driver. Like what am I supposed to do? The way this is typed is terrible because I am on a phone and everything is fresh from today and yesteryear so I am just typing sorry if it is terrible I feel like killing myself and I did not really allow myself to realize it until about 10-20 minutes ago. it is like whatever I do there is some pre-written narrative I cannot control and the people I call friends are so mean to me and it is not an exaggeration at all and then when I do the same to others to try to push back then I am the mean person. I guess I just have been attracting people who want to walk over me, and I have tried to behave differently and most people like me more yet there is still all of this backlash about my finances and home situation. I quit smoking weed several months ago and never really drank. I feel like overdosing on heroin because that is how my best friend died. I want to kill myself right now. Thank you for reading this, I feel like killing myself, I probably will not ever post here again and will probably end up deleting this and this account. I hope you had a good day today or that you at least had fun, the guy this morning said ""sold the car, have a good day"" I have nothing besides my family and low paying job My parents drive me to work every day for about 5 months now and I guess I should be grateful, it is just hard when people a decade+ younger than me are superficially having a more satisfying existence and treating me like dirt because of what I have not been able to overcome yet I do not know what I am supposed to do&#x200B;and its the little synchronicities that kill me, like someone is controlling my computer/phone etc, like the targeted ads and moreso even the refresh list of stuff on reddit i do not even or have never clicked on like strangely pointed and mostly negative- stuff people say that comes to fruition, cars beeping when no one is leaving or going, as if there is some group on person or entity trying to make my life into some passive artist type for whatever reason and i deplore it. there is so much to it and i know id just look insane trying to connect dots in a suicide note I already tried killing myself before and this does not help. After all the work I have done on myself and my life stuff like this is still happening and I want to kill myself i do not know what to do 32",Suicidal +22399,I experience breakdowns everyday. Even when in my dreams I am breaking down. I do not want to go on like this anymore. Breakdowns everyday,Suicidal +8415,You know what is weird? I have tried to commit suicide multiple times and sometimes after an attempt I am too afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I might die?????? Like that does not make any sense. And sometimes after an attempt I try to go sleep as soon as possible so Id die. My mind is so weird Idk what is wrong with me,Suicidal +26493,My cats are pretty young and they usually live for 15-20 years. So I got until I am about 40 years old and then I am definitely ending my life. I have started thinking about methods and brainstorming how to go about it. Is this actively planning that would land me in a hospital? Or is it technically still passive thoughts as it is far away? I will not be alive once my cats pass,Suicidal +16461,where can i buy a suicide/exit bag in the UK. preferably in cash. i cannot make one at home i suck at diy and will mess it up just give me answers,Suicidal +9606,"My day is shit, it is going to be shit tomorrow, the day after that and the day after that. Why is killing yourself with stress okay, but suicide is not seen as okay?",Suicidal +37345,"RT @SevenShepherd: ""And a certain centurion's servant, who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die."" ~Luke 7:2 #Jesus #God #Bible",Suicidal +25053,Last night I was up late just scrollingnthroufh my phone then just as I was about to fall asleep I just had the the urge to do somthing I had not done in 3 months and I could not stop myself I just kept cutting and cutting and when I stopped I just went to sleep as if nothing happened and I do not know what to do to stop me from doing it again because nothing but an urge made me draw blood...if anyone has any helpful words or methods please share them I cut myself and I do not know why,Suicidal +23462,"I am going to catch a ban here soon, but I am trapped. Trapped in my own head. I cannot leave my soon-to-be husband (we are gay) but if I do not I will go Hell. Everyday is a panic attack and a struggle to function. I am working as much as I can to cope but I cannot even sleep now. I cannot leave and be celibate cuz I know I will fail, but I cannot live with the fact that I am gay. I do not even want to die, but I am in so much pain all the time and I have no options anymore. Stick to your principles kids, it will kill you if ya do not Fuck it",Suicidal +26873,I do not know but i started to enjoy that I am starting to like being deppresed,Suicidal +36185,Tired of living like this,Suicidal +19154,"A friend of my friend committed suicide today and he is devastated.I also have had a friend pass on from hurting themself but I had no support from anywhere. Because of that I have no idea what would have made it feel better as, honestly, I am not even sure how I dealt with it.I know there is not a lot of words to be said or things to actually do but sitting in silence does not feel right (although I know sometimes silent support is all that is needed).If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do/say, it would be greatly appreciated. How do I properly support my friend after his friends suicide?",Suicidal +20246,"the hell with hotlines putting you on hold when you are desperately trying to find a will to live. ill reach out here instead. i cannot do this anymore. i tried. every single time i feel like this i try. but my life keeps getting worse and worse every time and i just want to freaking end it all. i cannot continue any longeri have no hope anymore of anything in my life getting better and I am losing my valueIm useless, worthless and i cannot be strong anymoreim on edge and cannot hold myself back any longer i want to end it all",Suicidal +35992,stuck every time i try and kill myself i cant go through with it but i cant keep living feeling this way why cant i just let myself die,Suicidal +8419,I want to kms as a means of avoidance. I am too tired for life and I am tired of having to run away from my own mind at 100 mph. I probably have ocd and my stupid meds do not fucking work I hate it they made me jittery like a shot of adrenaline and cloudy at the same time so I stopped taking them. That were my last hope. Its just kind of sad knowing that some people just get the short end of the stick and there is nothing you can do about it. And even sadder knowing that I am one of those people. I got a shit life and a shit brain that nobody understands. It all just makes life seem kind of empty and pointless. I am SO TIRED OF LIVING ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY BODY I cannot fucking do this anymore. It hurts even more having to see my moms face everyday finally happy and stable unknowing that I am going to put a bullet in my brain soon. I already got the gun My mom does not know that I am going to put a bullet in my brain soon,Suicidal +37244,I stay up all night tryna make myself feel alright I'm too uncomfortable to fall asleep ugh fuck this bitch of a ro… https://t.co/gkzZR3jNfW,Suicidal +17171,"So I am just done with life and everything in it, I have just injested 32g (64x500mg) paracetamol, how long do I have to get my affairs in order, I am not going to call an ambulance or anything so please do not try to convince me, I just want to know how long How long for paracetamol od to take effect",Suicidal +23030,"I almost took my life not even 24 hours ago and no person in my life will know. I internalize my pain so much that I cannot do otherwise. I wrote my suicide note and it said ""Life is beautiful PEACE LOVE AND FREEDOM"" because to me that is just what matters in the end of the day and in the end of my life. I am only 20 and I am on my 5th suicide attempt. I have diagnosed CPTSD, clinical depression with psychotic tendencies, BPD and bipolar disorder and maybe I am schizoaffective but my doctor is trying to find a way to tell me about it in a way that will not make me panic or be sadder. I can tell in the way he asks me questions and the way he talks to my mother, that he tries to find a way to let her know too without making her panic or be sad. I know I need to get hospitalized but I cannot. I will not tell anybody about why I believe so but I say so because I am in the verge of an actual serious mental breakdown, not the one that people make memes about. I am close to going to my job, and throw all of the high end luxury desserts that take hours to make on the floor and start screaming my lungs out of fucking nowhere and just run outside and start running, I do not think I will because harm upon anyone but if I can even slightly feel that maybe I will then I absolutely WILL go to the hospital. I just want to be put on sedatives, and sleep all day. I want to feel like I am dead. I want to feel as if I do not exist anymore. I want the feeling of no one remembering me or thinking about me. I just want to be no one, I want to cease to exist. I want to cease feeling and hurting and mania and psychosis and crying loudly and panic attacks and anger and rage and sorrow and desperation I do not want to feel all those shitty feelings anymore. I do not want my memories anymore. I have CPTSD because I was raped three different times by different people. I have flashbacks sometimes, not as frequently as I used to. But when I do I scream and cry and hit myself and I just cannot be reasoned with and calmed down without sedatives. I cannot have sex with my boyfriend. Everything reminds me of it. The third time it was very violent. I got beaten and bled out of my ear. And that is why I hate bathrooms with green tiles. My doc says we can try EMDR and we sure can. He says we can try the electricity therapy which the name of I do not know in English. We can try ketamine therapy, and SSRI antidepressants and all those other new methods. Although I am done for. I do not think I can be saved. Keeping me from taking my own life is selfish at this point. I ache so badly I feel so fragile that I think if I walk out, the wind will take me away and I will scatter, like dust and sand. My body is so frail, I slowly become weaker and weaker each day physically and feel like I need help with basic self care. I cannot eat food. I do not want it. I just cannot even swallow it. My body does not allow me to give energy to myself. Yet I wake up every day at 5 am after working for 17 hours the previous day to get shouted at and belittled. And I work for all these hours with no breaks and no complaining. Today I cried in front of everyone. I have a sort of intimidating appearance, I have tattoos and my haircut is extreme and these people must have thought I am some badass but I am not. I cried today after attempting to take my own life a few hours before. They will never ever know. No one will. Soon, I will die in my own terms. Because this life, I just cannot take it in MY hands and do something. I am unable to because I am a weak little fucker. Thank you for reading. I hope your day is lovely. Idk",Suicidal +23096,"that is it. Just my dogs. No one else seems to want me all that much. I have tried talking to someone, it has not helped. I screw up everything I do and disappoint so many people. I am done being a failure. As soon as my dogs are gone, so am I. I am worthless and tired of convincing myself I am not. Living for my dogs",Suicidal +10547,I am going to take a ton of acetaminophen overdose,Suicidal +23295,"I do not care about anything anymore. I do not want to actually harm myself just yet, but I actually pray that I would have an incurable disease or suffer a stroke that ends it all. Had one a small one a few years ago due to high blood pressure (232 over 147) even though I am only 40. Work is a never ending disaster. People calling off. People not following work instructions. Inability to buy standard equipment because our other sites are losing money. The kids always need something. Daddy this and daddy that. She will not share. Can I have a snack? I have lost my few friends that I had over the years due to family and work commitments. Found out I did not get my dream job today that I interviewed for with a company that I have been looking at for several years. The icing on the cake is my wife who has been on a personal vacation (while I have had to cancel my own personal golfing appointment several times because she has other plans) to visit friends in another state flat out refused to talk to me on the phone today because she did not to be rude to her friends. She has not called me to talk once in the 4 days she has been gone. Because she was busy. So here I sit in my garage. Alone like always. Chain smoking and drinking vodka and Red Bull. Debating about going off my blood pressure meds because I just cannot take all of the crap anymore. that is all life is. Crap compounded on more crap. And when the one person you think you can depend on leaves you high and dry when you ask for help you wonder why am I doing this. You feel black and dead inside all the time and just want to be done. I have tried counseling but I just feel like crap on the drive home knowing that no one is going to listen to me again until I see that person who I have to pay to listen to me because I have no one else that will. At the End of my Rope in Every Possible Way!",Suicidal +26151,Its my boyfriends mums but who cares. I am sure she can get more when she tells the doctors her sons girlfriend used her script to kill herself. Bitch hates me anyway. All of my boyfriends friends hate me a couple want to bash me. I am so alone reddit. I am a schizophrenic borderline. I do not expect sympathy- I am a cunt. I am just saying statistically my odds are stacked. I could go on and on about why my life is fucked but I will save that for my imaginary therapist that I cannot afford or get to because I am a 21 year old loser with no car. Why not swallow that whole box and go watch the sun rise at the park for the last time. there is a box of targin upstairs,Suicidal +15900,"I truly think these posts remove the purpose of this being a support sub, and there seems to be a flood of them. I know these people are hurting, but the way these posts are written makes them challenging to start discourse. I think people that posts here should be showing us that they clearly have hope to become better, even if that hope is minimal. Again, there are soo many of these posts, and you can tell that others have a hard time figuring out how to approach these types of posts in a helpful manner. Mods, can we ban/remove ""will this kill me"" and ""what is the easiest way out"" posts?",Suicidal +18427,"I am massive depressed. I fucking love drugs and alcohol but they fuck me and I work so hard and get no recognition, I just get shit on and shut out, Ik it is not anyone elses business, but I feel like I need a signifgiancwt place in other peoples lives in order to have value. But I feel like I do not contribute to anybody, I am just a leech and I do not want to be here. I am sure people would be sad, but really nothing would happen if I died. Honestly I feel fine though out the day, and I operate regularly, but deep down I feel really out of place and I am just excited to die. No one will care about me unless I die. Suicide had such a bad stimga, I honestly suicides easy af, I am just too much of a pussy to admit I cannot, I am like El macho man masculine bull., I am going to fuck so much shit up this year, If I do end up killing myself nothing around really matters, but it seems selfish to abuse the world because I will not be around. If you are reading this, just know, that all sorts of people are depressed, include mean cruel shitty people, like me. km going to get laid tho before I die I am an attention and I do not like who I am",Suicidal +17413,Shows how disgusting humanity truly is. More people have told me to kill myself than those who have helped me,Suicidal +18029,"i do not even work much qnd i still strugfle with showing upim literally the only part timer in my department, and I am constantly getting comments about how lucky i am n like, material reasons why I am not aside (no benefits, no pto, no sick time, less pay) i do not feel like because i do not have the option of fulltomeeverytime i work fulltime things get really bad, nearly hospitalized bad. but as I am typing thing is that bad right now so what is the point in stepping back anyway.I am unskilled, depressed, washed up, etc. i remember as a teen everyone telling me it would get better and it did not, it feels like each year adds another weight that is crushing my lungsmy parents and partner are all wonderful people. they do not attsck me, although i know how misrrable i make them. my partner is unemployed at the moment as we just moved stated and i got a job quicker, my mom is unemployed because she was a teacher and left becayse of covid, my brothers part time, my dad works nonstop.like, 2 of my family members cannot get a proper job and i have one right now and I am failing at it when all i want is to be able to provide. i want to buy my dad the new drill he wants. i want to help my partner afford the doctors visits he needs, i want to help my mom relax abt money. but I am nothijg. I am likely going to lose my current job because of absenteeism. I am a fucjing loser.i applied for disability yesterday morning and honestly its left me just feeling more suicidal. it feels like I am turning in official ""i give up"" papers. i give up at making enough to actually help my family. i give up on having ahome someday. i give up on getting married. it makes me so yired and i feel so at the end of my rope mani know it upsets my parents i do not talk about it, but what is there to even say? its cruel to say how much i want to die when tehey cannot change it, espec8ally since it comes down to how much a broken loser i am. i have it pretty good, lots of trauma as a kid and early teen, but now? god knows there is broken assholes in their 20s that do not have what i havewith my dad the conversation aslways goes ""are you ok?"" yes ""would you bother to tell me if you were not?"" n idk what to say because he cannot change that I am not ok and when he tries to make me ok it makes me feel more fucked and broken because it does not helpwhenever i go to work and I am faced with all these people who are just. going about their day. and they are FINE. maybe they tqlk about not getting enough sleep because their dog barked during the day (I am night shift) or even with more serious stuff like their husband leaving them they are still there, all day, everyday. whereas if i feel like if someone gives me a bad look its the last fuckin straw.i just feel inherently different from others in a way that gives me no hope. I am fine with being a bit quirky. but i feel sick. radioactive, mutated. i was chitchatting with my dad and he brought up as a teen how desperate i was to make friends, and how he and my mom worked hard to instill most people are not you are friends, they are aquaintances. n hr said this so lightly without care as if the ""instilling"" was not me having meltdowns when a friend stood me up, betrayed me, or most likely, ghosted me, and them essentially blaming me for wanting friends as a homeschooled loser who only had a few chances a year to make a friend. i feel like the first 15 years of my life were an experiement on making the most lonely person you could without them just dying. and he said I am better at descerning friends now as if its not just intense distruzt of people and the friends i still have I have known since i was 11, with the group shrinking every yeari hate when peopleolder than me say oh you have so much to live for still. name them. i donthave potential. maybe less people would kill themselves if they did, idk.i cruelly asked my bf to give me a reason to live a few days ago in a moment of weakness and i know that is a terrible ask but i just. i used to be able to argue a reason to wait, easily. there is a new video game coming out, a new season of something i like, a concert, a date eith my bf, not wanting to do it near a holiday, SOMETHING. but i just feel apathetic towarss those things. there is alway some dumb shit i could wait for and there is also always some pain in my heart to ruin those events too.and i know my bfs mom thinks I am a loser, and she is right. he has a little inheretance and his mpm thinks I am goldigging at that, so i try ro pay for things ehenevr especially because what if he does spend momey and then i kill myself? a fucking waste i am. i already convinced us to move back to my home state because i hated where we were previous, but I am still miserable, but with more monetary support and some parks nearby so ! i guess I am just a piece kf sbiti feel so sick to my stomach with self hatred.to be honest the only part of my 'plan' i cannot work out would be where to do it, because i cannot have my family find me. that is the singular thing stopping me and everytime i have an episode like this i feel myself caring less. i cannot do this anymore and i cannot force anyone else to do it with me. I am a loser and ill never be able to provide a good life for my loved ones",Suicidal +18098,"I struggle to socialise. I am either obsessed about messaging people or I suffer loneliness if I do not message. All In all it triggers my anxiety and depression and suicidal ideation. Can anybody relate? Obsession, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +13988,I am absolutely miserable and want nothing more than to die but i have no way of killing myself and nobody is doing anything to help Stuck in a rut and nobody gives a fuck,Suicidal +15955,I do not want to be here anymore I am done,Suicidal +23051,Hello....I am here once again wanting to kill myself and this time i hope its final i hope i do not get cold feet at the last time and finally manage to kill myselfI said before that I am struggeling finacialy for a while now and everyone a new probleme arises or I am to stupid and fuck myself over so i do not have and money not even for food for weeks now so i do not know what to do i do not have food shelters or anything in my country so its either i starve myself to death or kill myself rn and choose the latter....I am sorry...bye I am...killing myself I am rly tired...I just want to rest in peace...,Suicidal +26438,"I am orchestrating how it will work out currently. I will update again after maybe 2 hours or so. Unsure if I should do it here or on my profile or somewhere else. Hopefully it will come along nicely. I hope.disclaimer: if I somehow stopped updating, I was probably robbed / ran out of batteries fuck it homiez, I will chronicle the last 24 hours (or less) of my life starting now",Suicidal +25188,"Someone where I work committed suicide a few weeks ago. We just got a copy of his death certificate (for insurance purposes). Upon knowing the actual method he followed through with, I was immediately transported to the day I made my attempt. Huge panic attack. And I am just kind of curled up in the fetal position now. Trying not to draw parallels, but knowing the devastation that accompanies that moment... It just guts me. I am not sure what I am asking for here, but I really had nowhere else to put these feelings. Secondhand Trauma",Suicidal +25514,"it is just like last summer. As soon as school ended it started again. My mom is insane and I cannot stand it, she calls me all sorts of things for no reason and it is gotten to the point that I just do not care anymore. Last summer I felt the same, just because of final exams and my parents not being satisfied with what I am. I wanted to die then and I am starting to want to die now. The school year has been peaceful; starting highschool was ok, I guess, except for the fact that everyone thinks I am a loser. I kept to myself all year and now there is people in my class that think it is ok to treat me like shit, and if I say anything that pisses them off, ta-da, I am not taken seriously. It sucks.I had enough of my mom being fucking nasty, and my dad being an alcoholic that thinks we do not know he gambles tons of money away. If it had not been for my baby sister existing I definitely would have done it. I am so fucking sick of being called all sorts of things and not being able to say anything back. I cannot even defend myself or give my opinion. My whole family thinks I am good for nothing because I do not work my ass off in around the household like one of my cousins, but I see no reason to do so. I hate the countryside, I hate living here and I want to move to the city as soon as possible.Every day sucks: I wake up (or am waken up by my mom), drink coffee, and babysit my sister for the rest of the day. I cannot have free time, I have to be available at all times so my mom can chat with the neighbors and my dad can do jack shit all day because his goddamn tummy hurts. Maybe it would not hurt if he tried to smoke or drink less, but only he works in our household, so he ""can afford it"" by his own terms even though we barely have enough cash to make it through the day.Today I felt different though: After my mom got tired of screaming at me, I felt something almost snap inside of me. And I did not care anymore. I feel like I need to cry and scream at the same time, but I also just do not care about what is happening around me. I have felt this way before when thinking about suicide, I felt comfort. Ever since last summer the idea of dying seems comforting. Maybe it is my mind becoming used to it, or maybe it settled in that I might end up like that sooner than I think. I am not thinking of killing myself right now, but if this summer continues this way I might consider just chugging a bottle of pills and being done with it. Sorry for boring you out, I hope you can get back the time you spent reading this. See ya, kind stranger. I feel peaceful.",Suicidal +22707,"Yeah I guess I will explain my thoughts...you know i sometimes have thought like how everyone around me would be happier if I was dead and then I like try I think of good things or something and I do, but then like I cannot, my brain just turns everything bad, any friend I think about suddenly actually hates me, nobody actually likes me etc.Then I feel some twisted sense of happiness when I drown in my self sorrow. And then I stop. I just think ""a my brain is doing something stupid again just need to do something else and it will be fine"" so I do that, start chatting to someone on Xbox listening to loud music, anything that does not allow me to think. And then it is just alright again. Everybody feels like that sometimes right? Often read stuff like this on the internet, everyone seems to feel like this sometimes. And I feel completely alright after it happens.But then I sometimes think, but what if it is not normal? What if that is the actual you? What if your just lying to yourself? Your just pretending your happy right? you could not be actually happy when you often feel that that.And I just try not to think of that to much. So I told basically this what I just wrote to someone I know. he is pretty much the only person I could talk to stuff like this about, maybe because I do not actually know him IRL. And he said that maybe I should just talk to a professional.But like I am fine right? Just making this post already makes me feel like I am admitting like something is wrong with me. When I mostly think there is not. I feel like talking to a professional worth suggest to my brain like ""see there is something wrong with you so stop trying to hide you you really are you miserable fuck.Even tho that is not true I do not think I actually feel like that. I do not really know what I am expecting as a response, I just kind of wanted to write my thoughts down? maybe someone will have something to say I think posting this makes it worse.",Suicidal +27145,Most days I sit with a knife at my wrist and pray for myself to go through with it but its too hard. Just hope it gets so unbearable that its the only way out Wish I had the balls to do it,Suicidal +16006,I am in hospital right now. And I know exactly what to say so the let me out and I am going to say it. Fucking pathetic demons. they are going to let me out and they are going to pay for it This will not stop me,Suicidal +17253,I am so overwhelmed right now. I am extremely scared for my future. I just realized how fast my life is moving and how temporary everything is. I remember being 11 like it was yesterday - what the fuck happened? where did that time go? how did all these years pass by so fast?I need to find a job. I need to start saving up money. I probably should start investing. but I am just so fucking overwhelmed. I hate how fast its all moving. life is throwing shit at me that I am not at all ready for. I need to be a kid again. I am just so so so so so scared of what life throws at me in the future. I am overwhelmed and scared as fuck. life is so extremely fucking overwhelming but you are expected to just push through it without asking questions,Suicidal +25828,"I just want to say that I am sorry to everyone that I am going to hurt. I think that would be my biggest regret. I know people care for me and that I am loved, but unfortunately, I do not think that I can go on any longer with my depression. It is not anyones fault, nor do I think this could be prevented. I wanted to say thank you to my family, Mommy, Daddy, and Logan, for always being supportive and encouraging throughout my life. I cannot express how much love I have for you guys. I am sorry for everything mean I ever said to you because I can promise you that I never wanted to hurt you. Thank you to my dogs, Bailey, Zach, Owen, and Winx for being good little doggies that I could go to for emotional support at the last points in my life. Thank you to Isabelle, who has been my best friend through probably multiple lives. You are the bestest friend that I could have ever asked for. And lastly, Deacon, for being the kindest boyfriend to me. I love you so much. I had a lot of dreams that could never be reached, but that is okay because my biggest dream was to travel the universe, and that is where I am now. I am with the stars because that was always my favorite thing about the world. Thank you for letting me have a human experience, but I think it is time for my soul to travel to other places, other lives. I am always in everyone is hearts, so I am not truly gone. I will see everyone in another life <3 -Lily, age 14, July 5, 11:01PM Goodbye",Suicidal +37635,"I will post this every single time it comes across and I will share how angry, how upset, how emotional I still am… https://t.co/mQLqvVplVb",Suicidal +21380,"I do not have many people I can consider friends. And people do not tend to talk to me much and this kind of has been going on since I was 4. And now I do not think I can talk to people. I just feel sad whenever someone is just... talking to or about their friends. Especially when whenever I try to make conversation, it immediately ends whenever anyone else comes in the room and I am just forgotten about. Or sometimes talked about in front of me. And no matter what job I get I can somehow never gain any money from it except for doing the one thing I am unable to do (I do commissions but the laptop I work on is broken)It does not sound too extreme compared to others here. I am just wanted to vent ig Just really feeling like death",Suicidal +15443,"I am frustrated with myself. I keep failing. I hate where I am right now in life cuz I am struggling so much and I am not happy. I do not know where I am headed. The changes I want to make in my life will not happen cuz every change I try to make, there is a wall I cannot get over.I am tired. I hate myself for not being good enough to the point I dream where I kill and hurt myself. I am scared it may come true one day. I thought I was doing better, but I suddenly relapsed yesterday. I did not even realize I gripped myself to hard with my nails and bled.I do not know where I am going with this. I think I am having a mental breakdown and I am trying to get my sh*t together but I am losing a grip of myself. I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I am so tired. Why cannot I just be like everyone else who can get their sh*t together? I get dreams where I kill myself and I am scared it may come true one day",Suicidal +12546,"I do not know if I have any real mental illness since I never have been diagnosed, but ever since my parents got divorced, and my big sibling bellitled me, I always feel very down. I strive to get good grades in school so I can be ""successful"" according to my parents, but now I am thinking that successfulness is not about that, and that it is about happiness. I probably would not be happy working some long job as a hedge fund manager where I get home and barely any time to do anything, so all the money I get would be useless.As days passed my mind keeps telling me more frequently bad things. I tried to kill myself and survived. it is not even what I want to do, because I do not want to go to hell, or be punished , or be in pain, etc, but more and more often, I find myself wanting to hurt myself.Now, most days i do not want to get out of bed and move or do anything. I just want to sink into the bedsheets and then disappear into the ground. Anyone else feel like this? Now, I just feel like lying down on the floor forever",Suicidal +21078,"I feel awful inside and out. I have been depressed since I was a child. Its absolutely fucking exhausting. I am a single mom now so I am stuck. Every time I think of a way to end it, I think about her and the fucking guilt is overwhelming. I have nothing. From the outside looking in, I appear as if I am doing okay. I own a business, my daughter is [mostly] happy, and Ill post positive things on social media. I am actually fucking dying inside. My business has essentially bankrupted me. I have no fucking money. I am always trying to figure out how I am going to take care of my daughter, put gas in the borrowed car I drive because mine does not work anymore, and how I am going to eat. I am tired of living like this. The only thing keeping me from falling apart was my person but he and I have not been getting along and after a huge argument yesterday I know things will never be the same. I am absolutely heart broken and I feel like a failure. I slept in today (thankfully my daughter did too). I took her to a park, used a gift card I had to get her food and a $5 toy. Made sure she had a great day. We drew pictures and colored together. She had a great day. I am now in bed crying and she is with her grandmother. I just want to end it so fucking badly. I am so, so, so sad. I cannot stop crying. Everything hurts. My face is swollen. I am on the fucking internet crying about my stupid fucking life. I feel so fucking pathetic. Why cannot I just be okay? Why is my brain like this? Why am I like this? I try so fucking hard and get nowhere. I wish something would happen accidentally because I do not want to disappoint my daughter and have her live with the consequences of my actions if I end it, but I absolutely cannot live like this any longer. What the fuck do I even do? I am so fucking sad. How is it possible to live like this? How has my body not just stopped? What to do",Suicidal +13898,"I have been slicing my skin open everyday for the past 2 weeks. so tired of all the shit, so tired of all the tears. I smoke weed to take the pain away but it has not been helping anymore. I wake up everyday and go to bed everynight with the constant thought of killing myself. I am starting to miss my ex, i was getting attached until he said he wanted to open our relationship up and be non monogamous, him only having partners for sexual stuff and I broke it off because I felt that I must not be enough for him. My parents never listen to me, everytime I am around them they are always constantly screaming either about how I am a piece of shit or that their relationship sucks.They say that they always have to tiptoe around me so ""everything is perfect just for little whiney baby emily"" but they have never done anything to help me, I was supposed to move in with my grandma but my mom said I am too ""mental and retarded""for her to handle. Therapy sucks, it is not helping anymore and my therapist is always saying very unprofessional stuff to me. I am at the end of my rope. barely hanging from a thread. one more inconvenient thing and it will push me over. I do not want to live my life anymore Done with it all",Suicidal +37639,"""I understand incentivizing companies to move to y… https://t.co/NRBktPKnVr",Suicidal +14754,"But they chosed to make me worse, sad. I wish people would just ignore me",Suicidal +12547,I have decided I need to kill myself but I am not sure which method is best I am torn between jumping off a 530ft cliff death is almost certain I am on bloodthinners so if the fall does not kill me instantly I will bleed out or I am going to jump from a bridge in to the sea with weights to make sure I drown.Between these two options what would other people choose to do. Suicide method.,Suicidal +16921,"Hello, I am a young-adult man in his early 20's. I struggle a whole lot with circumcision and have done so for years and years. I struggle with hate and desire to hurt doctors who perform it and religious people who keep it legal. No one understands it and explaining the damages of it leaves people in denial. I wish I could love others, but this among other things leaves my blood boiling. Irreversible sexual violence was committed against me in the first couple of days of my life and I do not know if I will ever get over it.One thing that really gets me down is that people on here do not seem to find any solutions to this issue, they just confirm the despair of others posting on here. it is almost like suicide is a rational solution to a problem unlike what everyone stresses. But honestly, if I was honestly wanting to commit suicide, I would not be posting online about it. I want SOLUTIONS, but I am almost convinced there is NONE. Thank you Kellogg, thank you American medical system, thank you religious Jews, and thank you Muslims for making this happen. It could not have been done without you. Circumcision",Suicidal +15977,"I feel like an attention whore writing this, but oh well..my life is great, good parents who work hard to put me in a good place, and a high paying school. There is nothing they have not given to me, the problem is not them but me. kind of surprised and relieved they have not abandoned me. The problem is just me, I am so stupid, I think I am right sometimes only to realize i was wrong, since 2020 I realized I was just being stupid, thinking I am depressed and just wanting attention, and I am sorry for that. Its just that something is wrong with me, why cannot I make my parents proud, why I am I such an idiot, why cannot I do what is right for once! I thought I was finally grasping onto life slowly becoming someone good, but right now, I am thinking of the most selfish thing again, I want to die, I know its the only way to to them happy,but I wish I knew what to do to not disappoint them, to make them proud of me without dying. All they ask was a beautiful, smart daughter, but at the age of 15 I am still fat and ugly wasting their money. I am do not know what to do anymore.",Suicidal +20331,"Hi! it is currently 1 am when I begin writing this I am a 15 years old french dude who has been learning french for three years (and still sucks at it ) so apologies to all the potential readers out there.You are probably thinking ""15 ? He is just a kid who lost a Fortnite game he cannot be serious!"" , If you are thinking that way, forget my age, although I am quite darn young i feel more mature than most of my ""friends"" (probably sounding like an awful white kid who think that he is mature cuz he listen xxtentacion and ""rlly understand the lyrics you know"" , and maybe that what I am after all ! But....) I can explain my ""advance"" in maturity:Since age 2 I have been speedrunning life, I have been diagnosed with mucoviscidosis and a bunch of genes disorders (and no it is not cuz my parents are siblings)All these awesome disease shortened my life to (around) 30 miserable years (at least I know that I will not have to become an old man)Fuck no I cannot write that shit , sorry to have wasted your time and ruined your brain with my shitty syntax I have so many things to say but just... No as much time as I would want *Overly dramatic and climatic* Bye....Notes to Alexia (small not so goth gf) and my mother who will come across this eventually:Je suis sincrement dsol je vous aime putain vivez vos vies a fond Maman je sais que de toute faon j'ai toujours t un dtail Alexia j'ai toujours su que tu prfrais adam ou meme Elie Shit i forgot to explain properly my maturity Guess that is a job for my reincarnation As I said goodbye Hi and bye",Suicidal +18806,I fucking hate my mental illness and have been working so hard to try and live with this but it is getting impossible I just want to not exist anymore if this continues I will probably not last much longer I am already making plans it is unbearable I am so done,Suicidal +26908,"Every time I see a high building, I think about it. Every time I see a sharp object, I think about it. Every time I see the street or the highway, I think about it. Every time I see guns in movies or cops, I think about it. Every night I try sleep and cry silently, I think about it. I think about it a lot",Suicidal +7334,"-a greeting to family and friends-apologize for doing this without getting help first or reaching out to try to fix this-try to explain the reasons for my actions-confess any secrets-instructions for what to do after my death (no funeral, moving on etc.-t",Suicidal +36584,Like all I want to do is shove a knife into my fucking stomach I hate myself so god damn much,Suicidal +36320,these thoughts about killing myself her getting louder,Suicidal +24660,Why should I care about death? Why should I feel fear or sadness? I see death as something trivial.,Suicidal +27050,I thought movieng out of a bad house would make people relize what they do i went back for the 4rth my father seemed to not care he changed nothing threw trash into my old room he was in love with his new girlfriends family after me bing default assaulted almost raped at 17 groomed since I was sixteen and forced to be the family therapist without anyone careing about me I am done I was an adult at 7 cooking cleaning doing every thing alone I was put through a nasty divorce at 15 and at 20 I guess I am done with everything got a nasty message from my sister telling me I am the problem after being ignored for so long I think I am done if I am the problem then I will leave. Final post,Suicidal +24763,so badly i need help,Suicidal +15513,"Who would sweep the gun from my hands, wrestle the knife away from my unyielding grip? Who would halt my leaving, who would prevent me from diving off the bridge downtown? Or, better yet, find me under the bridge, before I give my life away RHCP style? who is going to stop me from driving my car at literal breakneck speeds, until I finally hit something and total everything, my car, myself. Who would stop me from drifting down the expansive river, in the style of Ophelia? Who will swing me away from the Highway side, late at night when the drunkards are out to wreck and kill? Who will stop me? Who will save me? Who would stop me?",Suicidal +19207,I am sorry to the person I hurt most. I was selfish dick who did not deserve you. I always loved you and I can never take back how much I hurt you. You saw through my flaws and still accepted me for me. Something noone has ever really done. Yet I was stupid enough to buy girls content online not even thinking of it as cheating or how it would make you feel. I always fuck up anything that is the slightest bit good in my life. This will be my biggest and possibly last mistake. You told me to get the gun out of the car and bring it in the house before you make me leave. Which I did. What you did not notice is i took it with me before leaving. I am sorry for everything i hate myself for being such a fucking idiot. I will never deserve to have anything good in my life after what I did. I do not deserve any type of happiness,Suicidal +15426,I am such a shitty selfish person. Even if I get better I cannot erase the hurt I have caused so what is the point? Living with constant guilt is eating me alive.Or maybe I am just really tired. I hope I feel better in the morning. Everyone in my life would genuinely be better off without me,Suicidal +12819,do not expect me to do anything. do not expect me to get up or work or do anything. I am so broken I want to die sometimes. If no one is going to be there for me like I want then do not expect me to be there for them or society. do not expect me to do anything. This world makes me so angry. I hate living here because everyone looks down on you and judges you. I am completely broken and I am not ok.,Suicidal +14374,"I am starting my junior year of high school this year and I am not really too excited about it. my freshman year was pure fucking hell!! my sophomore year was alright though because of COVID and had to do online classes..for 3/4 of my freshman year the anxiety was too unbearable that I skipped class and went straight to the bathroom for all 8 periods. my anxiety is like this my heart starts beating fast, I cannot walk straight, my eyes start to get droopy, etc, I asked my mom and dad if I can do homeschooling but they declined FUCK. I only have like 1 month left until school starts and I am really considering suicide, I have been thinking about suicide everyday for a couple of months now, nobody in my family knows that I have a big anxiety disorder thing and I am depressed out of my fucking mind, because of this fucking anxiety thing god gave me..because of this thing god gave me I have forgotten all my skills and all the things that made me unique, I am just nothing, if I am planning do commit suicide I would want a slow death like bleeding myself out. I would also love someone to beat the shit out of me until I am dead but nobody would want to do that to me. this is only a small percent of what I experience. my emotions are not reaI, I have fake emotions, it feels like god is playing with my fucking mind, I just want to have real emotions, but depression and anxiety are the 2 only really emotions I can feel school :(",Suicidal +12108,So my decision is clear. I fked up too many times in my life and my time to go has come. I am just thinking wether I should write a note or not. I personally think it is not necessary. As I do not owe anyone an apology. What do you think? Should I write a suicide note?,Suicidal +14787,"Hey I am a bipolar gambling addict who day trades in the market. Well I used to do that, but now I am completely broke, because I panic sold call options on Novavax that would have made me rich enough to forget all my troubles for a while i I just held for a single day. Instead I bet against Moderna and lost every last cent that was attached to my name. I did all this while I was on my full time job. And regret even taking my phone to work, because it would have prevented me from becoming broke as a dog. Now I am in my flat and want to kms so badly. I beat myself. Knocked my head against the wall. Cut my arm with my own fingernails. I do not want to go back to the mental asylum again, I just want to end it. I could have solved all my money problems today, but I manipulated myself again and lost everything",Suicidal +23699,Just a lonely 26 year old dude. I want someone to cuddle with me. Someone help me. I am tired of all this lonliness,Suicidal +23361,Psychotic I know. Killing myself as revenge on ex boyfriend,Suicidal +11281,i want to kill myself so badi keep pushing everyone awaythe only reason i have not killed myself yet is because I am good looking that is literally all i have to live for i just lost my last friend,Suicidal +17388,"I have reached my breaking point my whole life has been painful, I was physically abused and emotionally abused and severely neglected to the point of no food or electricity by my mother while she travelled, abandoned by my father watched my stepfather abuse my mother in front of us and he would often starve my brother and I just because he could, he molested me when I was 6-12 I was raped when I was 15 diagnosed with bipolar disorder abused by my own partner, experience severe memory loss where i do not remember entire months or years of my life often experience psychosis, had an eating disorder for 2 years, still get regularly abused by my mother and I likely have a personality disorder on top of all the trauma leading me to be extremely self destructive and now the only light in my hopeless life is gone and I do not know what to do I cannot afford to leave home i cannot afford proper help, and I am so tired of living I do not know what to do I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left to live for and I am in so much pain the one person I had I hurt because I cannot see myself deserving anything good so I destroy it, I have nothing I hurt everyone and I cannot find a reason to go on TW: R@PE ED Abuse",Suicidal +11571,"I got to thinking I should have been aborted, but then i realised i never would have met my best friend i never would have met my brothers and my sister, I never would have been taught how to ride a bike by my neighbours I never would have got to swim never would have seen all the group homes and facilitys where I have formed some of the closest bonds. I never would have got to smoke weed never would have got to smoke a cigarette I remember being broke in jail and that is still better than being in the grave. Even if I go back to jail broke cold and starving I still would not want to kill myself even if I ended up on the street humiliated lonely and hungry I still would not kill myself because there is allways something positive in life whether its smoking a cigarette or talking with your friend there is allways something to live for. I am glad I was born.",Suicidal +10824,"Days go on and on one way indistinguishable from the other, I am 21 have not done anything in my life. Self loathing,anixiety never ends. it is not like i have gone through anything traumatic and i have already given up on life. Timidity has followed me everywhere i cannot stand up for my own believes,ideas. When i think of my future all i see is a depressing lifeless routine. Trapped in a life which has no Vitality. My parents love me, they work very hard and they are so unlucky,ill-fated to have a son like me, who never does something they expect of me. i wish there is some technology that can wipe my memories of their brains so that i can kill myself today. How set up carbon monoxide at home? Any ideas?. Waiting for my parents to die so that i can kill myself.",Suicidal +7934,"I was born with meth in my system,my mom was going to abort me but my step-dad decided to intervene.My biological dad that I have never met was a depressive loser with a little dick and I inherited everything from him but his tallness.I grew up homeless essentially,we got to stay at my great grandmas house alot,but the majority of my childhood was spent in my step dads Chevy k5 blazer.Throughout my life I always moved,whenever I would make friends and gain a connection,we would leave,it left me numb and unable to form relationships, with the abject poverty and constant drinking,partying,domestic violence every night, and a mom that never hid anything from me, I had to grow up quickly. By 10 years old I had already told myself that I was ready to die, not that I wanted to,but I was ready.This made me really unrelatable to my peers,I acted like a little old man and never got to experience a normal childhood.By my high-school years everybody thought I was a crackhead because I was always nervous,my clothes were dirty,and I never had good shoes, this led to me accepting that I was a loner,but I am full of social desire.All this made me really cold and unfeeling on the outside,I am really bad at expressing my emotions and anytime someone is fighting or in an argument I revert to the same frozen state of my childhood.Fast forward to now,I am 20 years old and I am the only source of income in my family,my step-dad has been in prison for 3 years on a 15 year bid. My mom has alot of health problems but even so she refuses to work or get disability,her constant drinking worries me.my 16 year old sister lost her mentor when her dad went away,these last few years she has been following my mom's mold,smoking cigarettes,dropping out of school,doing nothing.I work 48 hours a week and when I come home I am 100% occupied by serving others, I have no future, no personality, no ambition, I do not even have my license yet,I am just spinning in circles going through a deep cycle of depression and coping mechanisms.I am fat and short,have an odd shaped body and just generally ugly, I have no redeeming qualities physically,I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror,or work up the courage to find a GF and be loved,but I get awkward around girls I like and make things weird.I have no purpose.No place on this earth I bought really sharp knives on Amazon, but I do not want to be in pain and reflect on my life as I lie bleeding out,I am waiting to get a gun so I can just do a quick shot to the head and get I over with,no more bad thoughts,no more missing the countless friends I have left behind in the 30+ schools I went to as a kid,no more pain, no more me. Sorry,do not mean to give my life story,but I think it is relevant to why I do not want to breathe",Suicidal +12463,"I had friends, I got lots. I have long friendships and short friendships, but everyone of them is transactional. The moment I change any aspect they leave, they take what they want and leave. Now I have nothing.My life is empty and there is no reason to live it. Why have friends if they just use you",Suicidal +22586,"I do not know where else to put this but I am fucking horrified and keep crying and having panic attacks over thinking I have diabetes because I have some of the symptoms. This is also causing me to worry that maybe the diy HRT I am doing (mtf) is a because. I cannot live without estrogen, i cannot wait until I am a legal adult. Then I think about how many fucking issues I already have and its just too much. I am going insane what the fuck do I do??? My parents would rub in my face about how they were right about me not eating causing me severe issues later on, I am also scared of being seen weak around them. Please I am so fucking scared. Help, very worried",Suicidal +9492,"Post-partum depression for the second time. I barely survived it with my first. there is definitely no time to sleep or take proper care of myself with a two year old and a newborn. I used to think that needing to stick around for my kids would keep me from killing myself, but I am starting to feel like literally anyone else could do a better job than me, so yesterday after a particularly bad night of lots of inconsolable screaming and crying from my newborn and no sleeping (do not know how many nights in a row that makes), I started to make a plan. Looking for the best way to go peacefully and quickly. I want to shut my brain off. I just need some quiet. I just need some rest. Mom of 2",Suicidal +9196,"so, I was going to get sooo fucked up since I do not have the balls to kill myself. 520 in the morning I started drinking the first can of ""happy juice"" I finished it but, I already fell my stomach ""nasty"" like I did not want the second can but, I wanted to to feel sooo drunk I started with the second can a few sips and and I told myself ""fuck this"" I trew it down the Drain. after a few minutes I started feeling the drunk feeling from the first can it made me sleep for like one hour and a half and let me tell you I slept like a baby. IT WORKED I did not needed that second can after all with just the first one worked.so, I got what I wanted and slept like a baby so that is all for me being drunk for a few months because I will not even will feel the feeling to get drunk again because the feeling of my stomach feeling ""nasty"" will stop me from drinking.so, yeah that is my story update, Update...",Suicidal +26810,"what is it like feeling like a human? Or just being happy in general, i cannot remember the last time I have had a good nights rest. Every damn night i lay in bed for hours just feeling worthless and generally horrible, for the past week I have been sleeping next to my fathers only momento a knife the damn thing is dull to the point where it cannot cut anything so so I have been fantazising the last cou0le of days about just laying on my back at plunging it into my heart, I have even been practising the movement, I have tried to off myself twice already, the first time was 4 years ago on my 18th bday another bday I have spent alone with noone even sending me a single text, i drank like half a box of pain pills all I have had and around 1l of vodka....you can imagine my dissapointment when i awoke...the second time i do not know when it was i climbed a fortress we have in my city and when i was about to do it some bastard tackled me hulk hogan style and started barreting me with the usual bullshit of: why would you do something like that/you have got so much to live for/a bad day does not mean a bad life the bastard bummed me out so much i just wanted to sleep it off in the end, and now here we are I am 22 shit got even worse I am still alone, i have nothing to my name the few friends i have, have actually started to notice that my facade of everythings good is falling apart. My best friend know how i feel and god i love that man but his best argument as to why i should not off myself is because ""you cannot leave me alone in this rotten cesspool"" meanwhile here i am in my bed its 0323am i have to get up for work at 5am at the latest for my 6am shift and all i can think of is how utterly and wholeheartedly regret not dying the first time around its been 4 years for cryibg out loud i apologise for grammar mistkes as of now since I am crying and cannot see the screen very wel ,nothig got better a billi9n things got worse i do not onow what to do anymore..... I am afraid thay in another 3 years timr its going t9 be the same shit again, but i pfomised mysrlf on my 25th if i feel the same I am killing myself for sire but now as i sit here at this point that goddamn knife looks sharp enougu for me i do not knoe guys I am so sick of felling like thsii just want someone to hug me and tell me its gona be okay, but my frienda are not like that its the no weakness showing kind off group i do not know anym9re should i try and wait for the promised day? But if i snap i snap,i prom8sed the love od my life 1 thing(she is no longer in the picture as much) that i will not ever again TRY to off myself and I have kept my promises so far, any advice? Similae stories? Anything that can keep me going at least forna while peps please Its 3am right now another night i cannot sleep",Suicidal +10770,"Hello! First let me start off by saying that I do not like myself at all, and I am realizing how little I mean to people. I am giving up. it will all be over soon for me. I am going to break a mirror and hope one of the shards is big enough for me to stab my throat with. I will bleed to death probably, or just suffocate. I am okay with either one! does not really matter as long as the job gets done. I cannot stand living. it is endless and repetitive regret and just not fun. I am 21, my birthday is next month. No one has ever cared abt my birthday, or that I am even alive. I do not feel loved by anyone. I am all alone. I hate being me so much. I would rather die than continue living like this! I already self harm and stuff so what is the big deal, right? Who gives a shit anymore?! I never really mattered in the first place, I was born just so my dad could play house with my mother! Absolutely disgusting that my life had to be as wasted as it is. But it is all good I guess. I just want everything to end in a healthy way. So this is life huh",Suicidal +12290,"I am 29. I finally had sex, or tried and i could not get hard. I think maybe I am too used to masturbation or out of shape or anxious or a million other things it could be.But it is bad enough that my first time will now always be this but now i cannot stop wondering if it is a fluke or a terminal problem. I would never judge another guy for having erectile dysfunction but for me...it is such a struggle to fight back the voices telling me I am worthless, now to add this on top of all that. I could not live with it.Not in an expressive way, i mean that factually. it is one thing too many, the straw that breaks the camel's back. I would been holding it all back and trying to make something of my pitiful life but if i cannot even be average in bed, if I am now that guy and...I cannot live like that, i cannot. I cannot be this shit at absolutely everything, i need something.I do not know what i expect here, if any response at all. I have looked into all the ED advice and falling down that whole rabbit hole of possiblities but i just need some support. How do i get past this? What if there is no getting past it? I have not been this close to suicide for over a year but...I wanted it to be good. For her sake at least. I cannot do anything, for anyone. I am less than nothing, I am broken. Lost My Virginity And My Will To Live",Suicidal +36309,"@Tashuurrx,,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +10614,"I hate myself. I do not take care of myself because I hate myself. I do not know how I got like this. Maybe my parents did not teach me its important to love yourself. Maybe the strict Christianity shoved down my throat made me think I have to make everyone else happy instead of myself. do not be selfish. Love thy neighbor. Maybe it was the years of physical, sexual, and mental abuse from my ex. you are just as worthless as I am. No one will ever love you. That is stuck in my brain forever after hearing it every day for years. But I did not care about myself enough even then because I let him do all of that to me. So it started before that. Why is my brain wired like this? Am I destined to kill myself? Sometimes I believe I am. I give out so much love but I cannot love myself. Why? I do not know how to love myself.",Suicidal +17983,"I started self harming again, I use self harm of a few kinds such as food punishment and gym but I have started physically cutting again and I cannot even feel it anymore. I really feel so done, what is more is I get so pissed off at myself how many times I post on here and overthink my post delete it just to post something else another day when I struggle... I am pathetic There it is",Suicidal +20993,"Human existence was a mistake. If there is a god, he deserves to be fired. Extintion is the only way to find true peace. Nobody understands the pain of the other. We are alone. Everything is useless. Life makes no sense.Chosing between life and death is stupid; both option are useless. There is not always a light at the end of the tunnel",Suicidal +17703,"I have complex ptsd and the reason I have stayed alive these years is to take care of my best friend, who is my dog. His liver is enlarged and we cannot afford chemo, but either way the specialists told us his condition is too poor for him to make an actual difference. Hes not eating anymore and keeps breathing hard. I had planned years ago that when its his time to go, Id grab the needle from the vet and use it on myself before he gets put to sleep, so we can both go. I did not expect him to get to this condition so fast... I assumed Id have 2-3 more years w him. Now I am lucky if I get 2-3 days w him. I just really needed to tell someone. I am scared. I do not think I even need a response. Just needed to write. My best friend and greatest tether to life is dying...confused if I should go too",Suicidal +8237,"Shit sucks. In the last 70 days I have lost my wife, child, house, car, job, and next to all my financial stability.This is the first time I have been able to charge my phone in the last month and my liver is probably going to fail me if I do not kill myself, as this is the first time that I can remember myself not being drunk, excluding before all thisAll started with a rape accusation. I had just enough shit stacked against me I was almost found guilty for something only god knows I did not do, but only after my wife divorced and I was found an unfit parent. I lost my job and could not afford my car anymore. I have nothing but my clothes, my phone (which I plan on donating shortly after this) and a backpack with some suppliesIm known as a pedophile in my area and I have nobody to go to. No money to even leave. I have nothing leftAll I can do with my life now is end it and see what happens next. God know a I did not do it.I feel no need for privacy anymore since I have got some morphine and I am willing to answer any questions Poverty, crime, suicide",Suicidal +9844,"I live alone. My depression is at an all time high. I believe I am just not worth it anymore and I have finally given up on myself. I wake up alone. I do everything on my own. Any fun activities that i truly enjoy doing, nobody wants to do them with me. But if its anyone else that wants to do something they want to do, i am always there for it. Nobody is there for me. But I am there for everyone else. I am just another person that people can walk over. I just want a genuine friendship with people and a genuine love life. But i seem to get the short end of the stick every time. Nice guys finish last, it happens time and time again. I hate it here. I just want to the pain to go away. I just need someone to talk to.",Suicidal +11374,"I am 16, I have been thinking about ending it all every hour of every day for the last 2 weeks. Usually its very passive and its just in the back of my head but lately it seems to be very in my face? Its very hard to explain but for the most part all I can think about its how or when I am going to end it all. I was raised to be emotionless so I am very secretive about how I am feeling on the inside and show no emotion on the outside so my parents do not even know I am even thinking about killing myself, hell they do not even know I am sad and lonely. I have been mostly socially isolated since I was around 11 due to my parents feeling it was necessary for me to be home schooled due to severe bullying (I was severely injured by a group of older students, so I can kind of see why?) but it was mainly my dads decision with my mom not liking the idea, even though I stated multiple times on how I feel homeschooling is a mistake and will only lead to failure, 4 years later and now it feels like ill never be able to fit into society again, I mean I have completely forgotten how to talk to people. This year I have convinced my mom to put me back in due to my ""dad"" not being as close to the family. But at what cost? All I want now is death, plain and simple. All I know is I am not living past the age of 21, It feels as if I am destined to kill myself, no other ways out I must take my own life to escape this hell. I know even later on in life that if my mother dies its all over for me, so why even give birth to me in the first place?I have argued with my mom about how you should not have children if you are incapable of giving them a good childhood and she usually uses the same bullshit excuse of ""Well I know I could not be a good mom back then so now I will try to be a good mom now"" No, those were meant to be the best years of my life, before I had responsibilities before I was even thinking about the future. For those who are wondering my Mom and Dad divorced pretty young in my life, I mean so early on that I do not even fucking remember them being together. Something about my dad having some mental health issues and being extremely violent but even still they stayed in contact due to them obviously having to ""take care of me and my 2 older siblings"". Now for most of my early years whenever my mother had a problem with how I was acting instead of dealing with it herself she would just drop me off at my fathers house and let him deal with it. Now not to mention that his shitty old house was filled with bugs to the point where I could not sleep and had reoccurring nightmares about small little bugs crawling all over me and I would wake up in a panic. Not to mention he was pretty verbally abusive. Pretty much the average shitty father shebang. There is a lot of what hes said to me and done to me that I never told my mom and kept inside and I still do. I mean for example one of the things hes said to me is ""If you turn out to be some gay disappointment I will crush your fucking skull and I do not care if I go to prison because it will be better then knowing that I raised a shitbag"" Keep in mind I was 11 years old, and well it obviously worked because I am extremely afraid of even being friends with other guys. I have so much pent up sadness and anger that I just simply cannot express due to me not knowing how and being a emotionless person for so long. If I would have known back then that I could have called someone to get me out of this shithole I would have back then but now there is not even much of a point because the damage has already been done.I have never gotten therapy or anything because I never said anything because I was so young I did not understand what any of this meant and since it was so long ago I do not know how to bring up this trauma and all of this other feelings of sadness and guilt with my mother because for 1. How are you meant to bring something like that up to the same person who somewhat caused it, and 2. I would not even know how to bring something like that up because of my outwards image as a emotionless zombie. Which has lead to me seriously hurting myself mentally and psychically by cutting. I mean there is truly 0 hope, victim of obvious child abuse, lacking in education, socially inept there is is no way out I have 0 future. I mean I love my mom, she is changed so much in the last 2 years after she found out what my dad did to my older brother and has cut him out of our lives so I am not mad at her I just cannot trust her. I know I must die soon. I know all its going to take is for one thing to go wrong and then I am done, ill make that impulse decision and kill myself. Honestly my thoughts on death have changed so much since I was young. It went from ""holy shit I do not want to die"" to ""holy shit can someone fucking kill me already?"" I have already tried to overdose on Benadryl off of a impulse decision after a argument with my mom, rushed to hospital blah blah idk why anyone would try to save me but its still funny how my mom still did not question how I would even accidently take that much which just shows that nobody fucking cares. I have already planned how I will kill myself when I am feeling that impulse decision, I will take my belt and hang myself. Due to me being able to take some amount of psychical pain from me cutting myself I am sure I can handle that 2 minutes before I pass out from lack of oxygen. I mean the more and more I think about it the more appealing it sounds. I get to feel nothing! You know how awesome that sounds? I wish I could feel nothing today, unable to think or do just relax. I have not been relaxed in such a long time I would kill just to not feel tense. I do not think I have gotten more then 6 hours of sleep for the last couple of months which is just slowly driving me up the fucking wall. I am becoming more and more easily frustrated at the smallest things, I mean I got mad at not being able to find my razor to hurt myself its gotten so bad. I will fucking end it soon, I have lost the fear of death and now I am somewhat determined to kill myself. If I cannot hang myself then I will endure the pain until I am 21, buy a gun and will not fucking hesitate to blow my brains out the instant I come home that day. Its weird how I am not mad at anyone but myself, I ware my self down on everything. &#x200B;I have been alone for so long, do I even want death? do I want to just escape from the problems? I just want a hug man, I just want someone that i can just fucking hug and cry and tell them all of my problems. I have too much trust issues with my mom to do that and my siblings are all way older then me and I have never been super close to them. I have never been super close to anyone i have never felt loved by someone not even myself what is the fucking point? it just sucks knowing that ill die a nobody fucking loser but its not like i can change it. sucks knowing that ill probably not make it past 2023 but who cares anymore everything becomes irrelevant when you are faced with death. if there is a higher being that decided they were going to give me a shit life then ill be the higher being to fucking take it away. abused early in life and feeling unloved. I want to fucking die. I have no future.",Suicidal +24017,"I miss the times where i could just sit down and do nothing. Now i cannot. I feel so agitated. I can do nothing, NOTHING. I just keep walking around like a zombie. Fcking psychiatric hospital. Makes shit only worse. I cannot keep calm",Suicidal +24768,"Every day I wake up, every second I continue to breathe and be alive, gives my family hope, allows them to believe that someday in the future that I am going to get my life together and turn it around, because if that is not the case, why would I bother sticking around? Why do not I just take the initiative and save everyone the trouble of wondering? This is starting to feel like the last part of my life. Treading Water",Suicidal +20182,"I thinks its just time I see no point anymore, working at a shitty job, my gf and I split about a year ago, I am sick, no way to succeed anymore, I have nothing to my name, no reason to keep going. She moved on already, but that is not the entire reason, I just do not see myself succeeding, so what is the point. I am infertile, my ex wanted kids but I could not give that to her it made me feel less of a man, hopefully her new boyfriend can give her that. why keep going ? No reason to. I do not want to work at a shitty job just to pay to live when I do not even want to. I do not even want anyone to know. I feel alone and entrapped like the world is closing up on me I do not know what to do. Just want to take a gun to my head and leave it all, I do not want to relapse on drugs because its temporary numbness I want to be permanently numb. Everyone always asks me if I am okay and I Always try to make it seem like okay but I am not and that is okay. Soon Ill be free from this cruel world, emotions and a bad mentality really took over. do not forget to check up on your people you will never know who is going through it. I think its time",Suicidal +23200,I have started a new job after being unemployed for 6 months but its going horribly. I do not talk at all even though everyone else is normal and socializes i just stand there looking lost and stupid. Everytime i wake up i absolutely hate going into work because of how awkward i am. I always tell myself ill move out of my parents house and get a apartment to keep me going. But i keep saying to myself i want to end it. Fuck life Just want to die,Suicidal +12068,PleaseIm losing it and the hotline does not helpEveryone is a liar I need help,Suicidal +24282,"as a borderline, I have never had a single decent relationship with anybody. my parents are abusive, all my previous friends left me, and my FP is slowly leaving me. all i can think of is just jumping out of my window. it is already open, i feel like I am just looking down at my grave. people always like to tell you you are not alone, that there is someone that loves you out there, and people even say it to prevent you from suicide. but that is not true.",Suicidal +24067,I often lay in bed at night day dreaming of a previous attempt being successful. What the funeral would look like. What my parents would say. Who would even show up. Which fake ones would repost some dumb shit even tho they did me dirty .... I always wonder what life would have looked like if I actually was gone .... Idk why it is comforting to think about. My peace. Even tho I know a few will grieve for years... Asking why. Even tho for years I have told them all why. it is weirdly comforting .. to day dream,Suicidal +15452,"i cannot feel any sense of joy. i want to say i have not been happy since early 2017 when I was still 14. i try to do pleasurable things and \~accumulate positive experiences\~ like my fuckin dbt manual tells me to but nothing helps or offers a reprieve. i lie and put on a fake smile and tell people that I am having a good time but I am not genuine. i just do not want to be seen as an ungrateful rude bitch. whenever I am doing anything that is supposed to be ""pleasurable"" i would rather be lying in bed with all the lights off. because whatever it is it cannot make me happy, it does nothing but sap me of my emotional energy. i have a lovely girlfriend who is an absolute angel but i feel nothing when I am with her. even she does not make me happy and that makes me feel evil.it is midnight where i am and i am listening to Wham!'s Last Christmas and crying. i just need to accept that i am never going to be happy, and either learn to live with that or make my plan to sylvia plath-myself.:\^) life is suffering anhedonia has got me wanting to attempt (again)",Suicidal +21015,"I have thought about killing myself to escape. I would say 4/5 people in the world do not have a good life. I feel like if I kill myself I will just end up right back in a cycle of suffering. Whether it be another world, dimension, universe, reality, etc, I feel like ""I"" will take on another form of existence as who knows what and where. I do not believe in God, but I feel like ""something"" with a higher power will send me to a lower part of reality or the same reality as this one for destroying ""my"" current consciousness. Buddhism says I will reincarnate into a piece of bacteria or something, abrahamic religion says I will suffer for an eternity with fire, anger, anxiety, and shame. Atheism sounds like the best one because you just do not exists anymore, like a dreamless sleep forever, but that sounds too good to be true, I cannot see how something can just disappear to nowhere. Really I cannot see myself dying of old age because for one, I smoke, and for two, I feel like everything will go to shit, climate change is exponentially increasing, the rich are getting richer and poor getting poorer, and WW3 is probably going to start in a decade or two. I would wish the scientist would hurry up and fuck up on making the AI or mini black hole. I feel like there is no escape.",Suicidal +23559,"I fell in love with someone. I thought maybe he could love me, but he hurts too much. He wants to die. He may be leaving me and everything and everyone else right now. I do not know what I am supposed to do, if there is anything I can do. He suffers so much and I feel so selfish for wanting him to live. I keep thinking I want to die with him. I do not have anything to live for really. My life is in shambles... And its only going to get worse. I do not want him to be alone in his last moments... I cannot do that though... I cannot encourage him to die in anyway. I would save him if I could but I am helpless and worthless and I cannot even save myself. I do not make post... I do not know how to ask for help... I do not shout out into the wilderness and hope for salvation. I will probably regrets this later.. I just do not know how to endure this right now. I do not want him too die.",Suicidal +24659,"Hi everybody. I have a revolver that can be chambered both with a 357 and a 38 special caliber.I love my family, but I hate my life more that I love them, so I need at least to do not do a mess.I see pictures of headshot suicide with a 357, the death is almost sure, but the hole is really huge (and i saw one where the skull fractured, so it seemed that the corse had a half head)A 38 special is cleaner, but I am really afraid that something could go wrong and I will be in a vegetative state.Do you have stories, or better pics or vids, of suicide with a 38 special? How much possibilities there will be of being effective?(Not english, so sorry for grammar mistakes). 38 special vs. 357",Suicidal +13657,"Is this how it all begins? First mocking it, saying I would never do that, then thinking into it, then at some point finding it as a feasible scenario for urself, then later acting on that For the first time in my life, I thought about suicide as a serious path I can choose in the future",Suicidal +26979,"I have suffered with depression + anxiety since probably middle school due to bullying, but mostly family BUT I moved out from the abusive house with my mom and her BF in 2018, but I will have to move back in a month. Since moving out I felt like my mental health increased greatly and I did not have to live life in fear. Of course my father has his own issues, but it is so much better dealing with his narcissism than my mom and her bf's abuse. Ever since I learned I will have to move back I have given up on life.When I do move back I will probably use one of the guns her bf has in the house to kill myself. I cannot live in that house again and suffer everyday. I fantasize about killing myself every passing second. I have thought of trying to get help, but I just cannot afford it as a 20 year old who is unemployed. I tried to have a retail job before but felt extremely overwhelmed from my anxiety that I quit and wanted to focus on college.My mom knew I cut myself in high school, and she just laughed at me and asked why and did not care at all. She also knew I starved myself everyday as well. She constantly tells me others have it worse and I am overdramatic, so I could not get help if I wanted to. Hell, when I was 10 she told me to kill myself which I put a plastic bag over my head and tried to do as she said. And at the time we lived with her step mom who complained about the noise and beat me with wood spoon for crying during that whole ordeal. When I say no one would care, I honestly mean that. I am just done. At the end of July when I have to move, I hope my plan of killing myself succeeds. I have been trying to keep living for so long, but I am just so tired of it because nothing has improved. I keep hearing how it gets better, but life has been shit from age 7, and at age 20 life has not improved I do not Know What To Do Anymore",Suicidal +17600,I need help. But i cannot/ will not open up to anyone about it. I have felt like absolute shit recently( 2 years) And every night i think of some way to attempt a painless suicide. I am young but dunno what to do. Any tips to makw myself happy and Motivated again Help Pls?,Suicidal +14942,Will cutting myself hurt if I take drugs first? Question,Suicidal +20330,"I graduated high school this year. I got a cool firefighting job set up and I got into my dream college! Well, so far my work rarely contacts me, they have sent me out on one fire. they have been sending others out. My boss never tells me what is going on, I have to get everything through the grapevine. I got the tuition price back from my college and I do not think Ill be able to afford it, so I might be stuck at home for another year.My best friend keeps ignoring me. She only wants to hangout if I am the last resort. she is also been super rude. Everyone in my family works so I am home alone a lot. Especially since my mom is also a firefighter and going out of town from them for days. I am so lonely and I do not think I want to live anymore. Everything was supposed to get better but this shit sucks. This was supposed to be a good summer",Suicidal +17157,I want to reach out to someone I depended on for emotional support. I do not have anyone. Anyone w personality disorder that can help me?,Suicidal +18735,"I have never actually been actively suicidal, but the thought has been there ever since my early teens when something pretty traumatic happened to me. It was sort of a back door, you know? But never something I considered going through with in a near future. I did not have a plan or anything really, but the thought of having a way out was comfort enough. Really, the simple thought that ""this will not last forever, it will all end some day"" was usually enough to keep me from feeling panicked and claustrophobic for simply being alive. And growing up I navely thought that life would just automatically get better without me actually putting in the time and effort to make it so. The prospect of becoming an unemployed, depressed and washed up adult did not even occur to me. I was convinced that by this time I would either be dead or having gotten my shit together, have a decent job and maybe even a steady relationship. This in-between sad existence was something I did not expect. 13 year old me would be so disappointed. Now I am at a stage in life where I am still young, but I have managed to ruin basically everything I had going for me in life. If I had put in the effort I could have gone places. But here I am, borderline-alcoholic, depressed, used up and hating myself. Through my careless, self destructive lifestyle I have gotten myself a bad reputation, allowed people to take advantage of me and used and abused other people and more or less hurt myself in every way possible, physically and mentally. I am scarred and damaged inside and out. I am a she will. I have gone out of my way to make sure I get to see the very worst of human kind by spending my time with others who hate themselves and life as much as I do. I have destroyed so much I do not even know if I have more to lose. I feel like a bottomless hole of hatred, rage and contempt for myself and everyone else. I cannot feel happiness, I cannot love. I cannot feel anything but shame, regret and anger. I resent myself for allowing life to get this bad. I am not considering suicide now, but part of me wishes that teenage me would have just ended things before this shitshow began, so I would not have to live down this long walk of shame. I thought there would be some kind of reward or feeling of pride at this point for fighting to stay alive. But all I get is more and more shit thrown at me. It never ends. Life just deteriorates and I feel like a zombie. I wish I had killed myself when I was a teenager",Suicidal +22610,Having trouble breathing heart hurts Should I call a hospital,Suicidal +23232,I am never going to be pretty enough for them. Why do i have to live up to their expectations when my siblings do not have to? I do not want a job. I am barely scraping a C in my alevels. I do not think ill make it past my 18th birthday my thoughts,Suicidal +37158,"RT @RMFifthCircuit: This is truly a horrifying article. Most of us don't have the underlying ""deep hereditary, mental health disorder"" tha…",Suicidal +17714,"i always feel depressed and suicidal but now more than ever. I am currently in a hotel right now and if this window was open i would throw myself off of it. the only thing that has been holding me back was family, i could not bear to think of them crying at my funeral if they care at all. even though my happiness means nothing to me i hate to would of affect others, I am just was not selfish enough. but now i am. the only thing that i can think of is just wanting to die. every mental breakdown i have all i can find myself gasing out is ""why"", ""and i just want to die"". i just need a rope or gun and i can finally leave this disappoint called life. I am 14 and i know that the grammer is wrong i cannot bother to change it i hate this",Suicidal +37164,@zayleeuh damn I hate myself,Suicidal +25743,I have such an irrational fear of being cheated on. I have been in a good relationship for 9 months. I keep finding myself reading too much into things. I have such a fear of being cheated on that it keeps me up all night to the point that I get no sleep at all. I am up all night a few times a week. it is getting to the point I want to end my life. Irrational fear,Suicidal +14230,"the suicidal thoughts are back. I feel like this is only getting worse. I tried having hope. tried therapy, three of them did not help. the fourth tried but made me feel worse. my ed just gets worse, my ocd too. I probably have bpd too. I have just gotten to a point where I believe living just is not for everyone, and happiness does not exist, atleast not for me. I am being there for my boyfriend but I am doing a shitty job at it. my parents are struggling financially and I am just worrying them and making them waste their money on me and therapy. this time, I am going to do things differently. I am going to jump so there is no backing out. I am not telling anyone so they cannot stop me or even try. I have written two out of three letters already. I do not know what to tell my boyfriend. I really do not want him to end it too because of me. I do not know how to make sure he will try to get better or atleast be strong and stay. I have planned my outfit and I know I am going to spend my last days with people so they have happy memories. I am going to bake a cake too for them. my last cake because ik that is one thing they would remember me by. I am not strong enough for this everything that is happened in my life has broken me to a point where I am just unfixable. I am sorry but this, it is happening. the thoughts are back",Suicidal +21517,Why even bother? Since I am too depressed for people to like me. And I cannot just stop it. My boyfriend dumped me. He just wanted an easy and funny chick and got a human with emotions who wanted to commit. This story happened to me three times. I know it will happen again and again if i will not kill myself now. I will be alone forever,Suicidal +16816,It just does not stop On the outside I am fine but my mind is like a fucking battlefield,Suicidal +9416,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  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PLEASE I JUST WANT IT TO STOP,Suicidal +15651,Hey you all. Anyone ever OD'd on Hydroxyzine (10 mg) and Benadryl (25 mg)?Just wondering. Thoughts ?,Suicidal +24795,I do not want to exist I do not want to exist,Suicidal +24029,my life is shattered i genuinely think I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +11741,"My home could not be anything further than an environment I am happy to live in. Sadly majority of my siblings have now moved out and the pressure is constantly on me to do things in and out of the house. Since 2016 I have felt depressed but its getting to the point where I do not want to be here anymore. I say it to myself every time but what is the point of living if you are living for someone else... well that is how it feels I feel like I am constantly slaving for my certain members of my family, having to worry about what they want to eat for dinner and helping them with their clothes washing etc. Its so draining and I have tried to explain this to my Mom but she just puts up with it and does not care about how I feel. I am sick and tired of having to do this every day. I just want to get out but sadly feel like the only way is through marriage. Its affecting my health quite badly, I have become unfit and out of shape as I never get to look after myself and I am in my early 20s. I have been so strong for a lot of years but I am getting to the point where I feel like if you are in this much pain every day then what is the point anymore? Can anyone point me in the right direction or give me some guidance on what to do.. I also graduated recently and can do a masters maybe moving away would do me some good. Your home is your sanctuary",Suicidal +20288,"god i wish id just do it now every day, every hour & every second, I am getting closer and closer to whenever i man up and end it",Suicidal +18756,Literally was almost sent to the ER for answering truthfully. I know I need help. Bills are so high. Play the cards right with healthcare,Suicidal +10291,"i am 17 and i live in a shit 3rd world country in the middle east, my parents are hardworking, i love them a lot more than anything, i have a few friends that are like family to me, and i have a brother who is fucked in the head and keeps screaming and yelling when he has no job and fucks around, today he broke my room and started calling me names because i am fat, just because i drank his cola can or sth, i did not know that it belonged to him, and tbh the only time i feel comfort is woth my friends, they are the place i feel better and i feel belong with them, but they have families that love them and brothers/sisters that care about them, my mother has a low-danger/stage cancer, and I do not want her to feel worse mentally that is why i do not want to tell her anything about my mental health, and my father has already so many pressure in life so that goes for him too, i love them but I do not feel comfortable with them, our country is a shityard where dreams are demolished, the only reasons stopping me from killing myself are my parents, and my religion.i just do not know anymore i just cannot live like this, in my whole childhood i never felt normal i always thought about helping my parents and I did not buy nice thing or expensive shit like all my friends, and always wanted to help everybody that I did not even get to enjoy being a kid, i think anyone who lived a life like mine probably killed themselves already, I do not know what to do, there are local departments in hospitals about mental health in my country but I cannot go there without warning my parents and therefore putting pressure on them.i just want to feel normal for once, atleast in my adulthood. i need help",Suicidal +26208,Please fucking just kill me. I want to kill myself so badly. I want to blow my head off so badly . I hate my fucking life and I hate myself. Please god just fucking kill me. God dammit,Suicidal +15558,"It all happened so quick. I am so hurt. I contemplate suicide every day. I am going to buy a gun tomorrow I asked her to marry me, she moved out a week later",Suicidal +9151,I fucking hate it I literay just want to kms and I hate it no it does not get better no matter how long I am happy for it always comes back I always want to kill myself and its fucking tiring its not even fro a specific reason I just wanny kms. My life is litearly fucking perfect so there is nothing to fix I just want to kym and I hate it I hate feeling like this. Endless night of crying myself to sleep because I want to die i wish I could just stop feeling like this. If it were not my parents I litearly do it in a heart beat i wish I could but I just cannot and it is so fucking tiring ill wake up one day and feel so much better but it all comes back and the only way to stop feeling like this is to kms. Honestly my life is getting better but I just feel worse like whenever it hits me it is just so much more worse like it take everything in me to stop myself from slitting my rist maybe just to hurtmulsf or dream about bleeding out. I finally had the fucking courage to leave to do it i was in a very bad state probs why but still I was going to go to the station get a ticket and get away i had the money and that is all I needed. I had this plan for a long time but when I was like fuck it ill do it it was very emotinol. I was going get that train ticket and either sneek on a ship go to a foreign country or drown myself. I finay had the fucking courage to fucking do it. But no I am at the end of my streat and my dad drags me back to my house. I finally fucking did it but I get dreaged back in i was actually going to do it once I got on that train the was no going back the was no going back once I left the house ebut uk got forced back in. But I would of been dead by now. And a part of me is happy because my oarnwst do not have to deal with me being sad they can enjoy the life not deal with the death if the child.But then again it is just another life there is an infinite amount of universes/planets where I have killed myself this happen an incite amount of time so this one time it will not make a difference.Sorry just had to get this off my chest. As I cannot really tell no one Rant,Suicidal +35918,i need to put myself to rest i ve crashed my motorcycle today i don t know how but i m mostly fine it was the most beautiful moment of my life i know it s sick to think that but it felt good to see people approach me to help me after the crash the feeling of my body being dragged by my bike for several meters on the ground looking at the sky while this one song played in my earphonesi ve just felt emptiness for the past yearsi don t want this second chance i want to get on my broken bike bring it up to speed one last time and then just end it all i just don t want to drown anymore please,Suicidal +8268,"I have been thinking a lot about this question because I really do not know at this point. So I am wondering what makes you guys happiest? Personally I think my dog, which is always so uplifting and never disappointed in you, and music which always makes me distracted from the real world and there is so much that its hard to tired of. Really made me realize how temporary all sources of happiness are. Hope you all are having a good day. What makes you happiest?",Suicidal +14417,i want to swallow the whole bottle of bleach. i want to slit my neck open. i hate this so much i hate it i hate it I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE WHY cannot I BE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING???????? IO cannot I HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. THIS IS FUCKING IT. MY LAST GODDAMN FUCKING MESSAGE BEFORE MY FUCKING DEATH. just. no. no no no no no. why. fucking why.,Suicidal +25601,"When I am dreaming, life is good and then I wake up to this nightmare. Just want to be at peace",Suicidal +9137,"So... I never anticipated or expected myself to find myself in a place like this. But since I do not have anybody else to talk to I might aswel vent here before I decide to off myself. &#x200B;So today I lost my job. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming from miles away but on the other hand, I wish it did not happen or atleast I would wish to be able to turn back time to prevent some things from happening. But we do not have such a thing, so my life is fucked either way.So, the first week of 2020 I gave up a deadbeat, no life job for something promising, something with a future. Raised out of a family where such a thing is an impossibility, I could have atleast try. Everything was fine, I loved the job, It was physical, it was a challenge, I felt... Happy. 3 months later, I find myself in hospital. I broke my ankle at my job. Again, in hindsight, my fucking mistake. I twisted my ankle at a location where it happened once shortly before, but a donkey does not hit the same rock twice in a row right? Right. I spend 2 months in a cast, longer than what was expected and another month out of the cast before I could even attempt going to work. That should have raised an alarm bell. I wanted to go back to work, so I went earlier than what was recommended. And such, I went to work; They gave me adjusted work, essentially I had to sit in an office like space, controling valves, pumps and monitors. But no matter what I did, how patient my boss was the pain endured. And weeks of adjusted work became months, months turned into a year. The pain stayed the same to the cost of several different treatments. Every step I take on that foot is the same as getting stabbed. Even when I did not stand on it for 4 hours, 10 minutes of walking made the pain come back, 50x worse than it was before. And as my inactivity began to extend, so did my weight. And in the meantime, gossip & bullying started to become a regular occurence. To the point where the bullies claimed I did not deserve a lunch break, or that I am doing nothing but sit on my ass an entire day... I had multiple talks about it, every time the promise of betterment was made. But every time, the bullying became worse. My mental state began to decline. Up to the point where I left half an hour earlier because I could not take the abuse no more and told my boss how I felt. And so, I was brought up for a final conversation. I could not even defend myself this time. ""it is time to let you go"", and was ordered to give everything back, from keys to badge... &#x200B;This job was all I had. it was my jumpstart to a better life, a one time opportunity that was wasted because of a fucking accident that dominated my entire career. And it is all my fault. If I was not fat, my ankle could heal properly. If I did not show anger and frustration all the time, I could have kept my job.If I was not honest about how I felt, I could have kept my job. At home, I have nothing, nobody. Because of Corona, all my friendships watered down to the point where they did not reply back. Work was all I had. And now I do not have anything. Nobody to talk to, nobody to vent to. Alone, at the age of 26. Sad fuck. For years I have felt miserable but it was do-able, manageable even. But now I feel worse than that. A sorrow that drowns me out with no sign of ever getting better, not to mention the physical pain I have at the moment. I cannot take it no more... If I was not this ugly blob of meat I could have had somebody to support me right now. I am going to OD myself on both pain, antidepressants and alchohol later this week and pray it works. I am just going to make some arrangements until then. &#x200B;I just wanted to share my story for the record. Even though it is vague and incomplete. Alright, so... I lost my job today and now I got nothing left.",Suicidal +16193,"I used to have so many things I wanted to do when I got older but now all I want to do is die. I cannot go to college. I barely even passed my classes this year, and the only reason I did is because my teachers excused a bunch of assignments because I was in a psych ward for a while. I cannot do anything. I want to just live in an apartment the size of a bathroom and cook my food on a plug-in stove or something and sleep on a mattress on the floor. Like genuinely that is my ideal life. But I need a job to do that. And idk if I can get an apartment like that anyway. I just wish someone would fucking kill me so I do not have to do it myself. For a little bit I thought maybe I could be a monk but then I remembered I do not have the fucking dedication for that. I am an all or nothing kind of guy so I figure Ill either get my shit together or just decide to not even try and throw my life away. From past experience the second one is more likely I feel like I have no options for my future",Suicidal +26534,Every day I feel more and more lonely and depressed with no sign of it getting any better. I have not been happy in honestly a few years and I do not think I can handle it anymore:( I am getting worse every day,Suicidal +16968,I wonder what would happen I could just drive this car off a bridge,Suicidal +23343,"Yesterday a guy I have been talking to for a few weeks blocked me out of the blue. I am really hurt. I do not know what is wrong with me, I mess it up every time I try to start a relationship. No one wants me, I am so sick of it. This guy seemed so wonderful, he was so sweet and affectionate, it seemed too good to be true. I cared about him so much. Why would he do that to me? I am so angry. I would never do that to someone, hes caused me so much pain. I have been so lonely and sad for so long, I was so excited to have hope at being happy for once. Other people do not understand because they do not know how fucking horrible I feel all the time and how much I really need this.I know its so pathetic but I have been trying to contact him on different accounts on different social media but he keeps blocking me. He really cannot just tell me why he unadded me? This is the angriest I have felt in so long. I am fucking alone, people do not enjoy being around me, most people do not understand, I might as well just end it I am so fucking lonely",Suicidal +15350,"i do not even know why I am making a public post about this but whatever. I am fed up. btw trigger warning - i will mention self-harm.I am fed up with life, with the world, with the whole universe. idk if this is just a mental breakdown or a mood swing, my mood has been up and down this past week, but then no cuz i feel I am fucking valid in my anger and how i feel. basically, I am tired of being treated like a worthless piece of trash by the universe (when i say universe, i mean it in a spiritual sense..like how some believe in a god etc.) when i know my fucking worth. it is bad enough i was invisible to my mother growing up, with her ass neglecting me for 16 years of my fucking life, but why am i now (at 21 fucking years old) invisible to the world too? i thought i was doing better. i really did. my mom's neglect caused me to suffer from depression and cut myself at the age of 14. overcame it at 16 when i moved in with my dad, a parent that actually fucking cared about me for once. but life did not get much better after that. I am a loser that took 5 years to graduate hs, and now i am delayed one year in receiving my associate because i got WUs on some classes (lol and you can thank ANXIETY AND INSOMNIA MY NEW MENTAL ILLNESSES for that). amongst my peers, i am years behind. great. but what really pushed me over the edge tonight is the fact that no one gives a fuck about me, and I do not KNOW WHY. i am invisible to everyone, everyone ignores me. i am lonely, lol all i ask...all I have been asking for since i was 14 is for some friends but i cannot even get that. damn bitch am i really that hard to love? 21 years of being alive and i still do not have friends lol. the universe just hates me. all i have are like 6 ""best"" friends from elementary, but let us be fucking honest the only reason why were friends is cuz we feel obliged to. with the exception of 3, i only ever see them like 2-3 times a year anyways despite living in the same area, and the other 3 that i talk to and meet regularly got other options regardless lol, i do not. and what does one do when it is hard to make local friends? turn to social media. social media should be easier as it is easier to find people who share the same interests as you....but OFCOURSE not for mewtf am i a plague? the universe just fucking hates me, I am a polite person, I am not rude, and I have been called funny, so why am i treated like I am fucking invisible? i should have just stayed cutting my wrists. tbh this is just a rant.",Suicidal +37059,"My idea of hell would be if there were a heaven, i mean i really want to be dead one time..",Suicidal +24071,"When my mind shifts to suicide as the goal its like I am in a different world. I completely release all the shit I am stressing over, all my expectations for the future. Its like saying fuck you to the world that has tormented you.I feel like I am in an empty slate of a world where I can just drive through the night wherever and find a rooftop along the skyline of a city and just be happy and dive. Being suicidal feels good now",Suicidal +7160,"So I only have one sister, and growing up I have seen how different we are raised. As the eldest I am expected to learn all the household stuff, do them quietly and perfectly. But when my sister was at the age where she should have learned and done the stuff I did my mother never forced her to do any stuff (it is the culture but really? how fair is that?) Mom would also guilt trip me whenever I refused to do my sister's homework or project.I spotted a lot of difference as we grow older. Whenever their is conflict between me and my sister, no matter whose fault it was, they will side with her. Sometimes my father would just stay quiet because mom would get mad at him. that is why right now my sister thinks that she has the authority over me especially if I would defend or in their term ""retaliate"" to my parents. I am just tired with how things are at home.Just recently my sister and I fought, I am partly at fault because of my temper and I am just tired of them not remembering any of my preferences (they forget even the smallest thing about me.) I knew I am at fault too but for her to use the stuff that I fought over with my bf (she overheard it) during our fight is below the belt. so I told her that she has no right to use that against me. She burts out and threw things at me. She also tried to charged at me only to be held back by my mom. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not even have a safe space at home. I want to leave the house but if I did I can no longer supply their needs. because I have my own bills and needs to pay for... Eldest of two",Suicidal +36204,"RT @mitchlafon: On This Day - November 12th 1976. Queen release single, Somebody to Love.",Suicidal +22127,"I am not usually the one commenting or writing in forums however, with our current crisis following this COVID-19 pandemic do not feel like its worth going on. Let me elaborate. I do not see myself as an awaken person. I do not prefer that description nor am I suicidal, but death does not frighten me the same way it did when I was younger. In our current day and age were there is so much going on. I find it difficult to motivate myself to get anything done, after all what do it matter? - most people do not care about the bigger picture and who am I to change the world.We have major global conspiracies right in front us ie. the deaths of Jeffrey Epstein and maybe John McAfee. The censorship of so many people following this pandemic. The list goes on.Our governments all across the world seem more useless than ever, printing money recklessly believing it will not have consequences. Most of the western societies are taxing the hell out of us, where I live (Denmark) we pay at least 39% in income tax (some people pay upwards of 60%) and on top of that there is 25% VAT on everything we buy. Then there is product specific taxes on cars, tobacco, liquor. everything is taxed - where does all this money go? People tell me i should not care about what its happening across the world, but I cannot be careless because I believe that is why we are moving into a dark future. - and I am tired of the corrupt embassy people, the big monopolies and ridiculous laws that is infringing our freedom.I am not a man that is tied to any possessions. I do not have any ambition to become rich or famous, I do not want a fancy car nor fancy house, I do not dress fancy - but I believe its our duty to ensure every person gets a chance in life and as we see, so many people live in poverty and homelessness and hunger even in our great state of the EU.why should I continue to work the rest of my life to pay for these people that is stealing our future and ruining our planet.If you got any questions I would love to engage a discussion. Our different opinions are worth to be listened to. What is going on?",Suicidal +12856,that is all i want really i wish people told me they were proud of me,Suicidal +12263,"I am trans, so there is one reason for why I want to die. The other is that I got broken up with. Debating on relapsing with my cutting then hanging myself tonight or at least sometime soon. I know its just a dumb teenage relationship and I could get over it if I tried, but she is literally the reason I did not kill myself back in March. So without her I guess its better late than never. pathetic",Suicidal +15814,"I am working 35+ hours a week and still not making enough to get by. I have $50,000 student debt, almost $10,000 medical debt, no home, no health insurance. I need new shoes. I need glasses. I have not seen a doctor or dentist in 10 years. What is the point of all this if I am working myself to live in misery and hopelessness? I have a college degree and lots of experience and I cannot get a better paying job anywhere. Besides that I am now finding I am sucking at my job because of the depression and general feeling that nothing can get better. I do not know what else to do. Thanks for listening. end of my rope",Suicidal +7773,Hey guys I am new here so I really do not know what I should talk about. I am 19 years old and I am suicidal. Every night I try to kill myself but end up failing badly that which frustrates me. Yesterday was the day that it finally dawned upon me that I wanted to end it all. I have never had anyone to get me through this except for myself and my bipolar disorder. Not even my family try or reach out to me so I am hoping to get good advice here on Reddit. Well mainly because it is my Dad causing these suicidal tendencies. I cannot even do the things I love anymore. I cannot even enjoy one of my games properly because of these thoughts of feeling utterly useless. I hope this reaches out the people that can help me. Because I truly am suffering. 19 years Old Suicidal,Suicidal +27159,"Background: I have had depression and anxiety for ten years. Particularly bad episode this last month. About a year ago I came very close to taking my own life and recently have been back on drinking and taking pills to numb pain. Have also been self harming.My doctor surgery has a policy that to make an appointment you have to call at 8:30 in the morning and they will give you and appointment for that same day. Have been ringing them for weeks but the phone line is always busy. Rang them outside of the 8:30 window and told them I have been trying to make an appointment for weeks, that my mental health is severely deteriorating and I need to speak to my doctor as soon as possible. They said they cannot offer me an appointment unless I call at 8:30am (in the past, I have managed to get appointments outside of this time if its urgent but the woman on the phone was not being helpful). She said to go online and fill out a form. I did, and specified that I am feeling suicidal. They said someone would come back to me within a few days. A week passed and I did not hear back so I emailed them to complain and asked why my mental health is not being taken seriously. They did not respond and still have not. My therapist told me she does not know what else she can do for me and she thinks I need to see a psychiatrist and she will write a referral letter. I asked her when it would be ready and she said in a day or two. did not hear anything back from her after a few days so emailed her and she said she forgot to clarify, that she was going away for ten days and so would do the letter when she returns.Contacted my private healthcare and spoke to the doctor there (did not call them initially because my NHS GP has all my medical history and was the one who started me on my medication). She prescribed antidepressants. The system on the private healthcare app glitches so the prescription was pending and had not been sent to the pharmacy so I cannot pick up the medication. Will take days or weeks to resolve this, as this has happened in the past. Even if I do get the antidepressants they will take weeks to kick in.Called private healthcare again and asked for a direct referral to a psychiatrist. They authorised it but out of the five psychiatrists I contacted for a consultation, all either did not come back to me or told me they are not taking on new patients. All the effort to keep calling doctors and writing emails is more than I can bear as I am not eating at all and am paralysed from the depression. So the fact that I am trying and getting nowhere is really defeating.Last night I had severe panic attacks on a busy street, to a point where people were asking what I had taken because I was so paranoid and was not in my right mind. I had not taken drugs, I was just having a nervous breakdown. I could not breathe for HOURS because the panic attacks were constant, one after another. At least four strangers called an ambulance but the ambulance said they will not come because they are too busy.Today, I called NHS 111 and was spent the whole day speaking to various agents who would take me through the same set of questions each time. No help. Just passed me around from doctors to mental health services with no outcome. Finally, a doctor told me she made an appointment for me at the urgent care centre. I told her I did not have the strength to leave the house but she urged me to go, due to my state. Got to the hospital and they have no record of my appointment and so the nurse booked me in as crying for no reason. I was in such a state I could hardly speak but I did say I was having panic attacks all day so not sure why she trivialised it. She said the wait time is over two hours so I was back to being surrounded by strangers while continuing to have uncontrollable panic attacks. I left the hospital because I felt too sick/exposed to stay there in that room for two hours. Called NHS 111 again and had to go through the same questions that I had already had to answer five times today. Told the guy on the phone that I have been trying to get help for weeks and no one will help me and all he kept saying is do you feel your symptoms are getting worse since you last called us. What else am I supposed to say to them? I have been struggling to breathe for 18 hours straight, to a point where my throat is raw from where I have been gasping for air. I have expressed over and over that I am feeling suicidal. I hung up because I realise I was going round in an endless circle.There is nowhere else for me to turn now. My story",Suicidal +21878,"I have had cancer, currently have 2 chronic pain conditions that because daily pain, and I am not able to work right now. I have thought multiple times about tapping out because I am so tired of the pain but I have not because of my husband and my elderly parents. I have also always said if I did do it Id do it on my birthday so that there would not be multiple days a year that people have to think about me. Well my husband of 18 years has decided hes done with me and our marriage and my birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. If I can just make it past my birthday I know I have to make it another year but right now 2 weeks seems impossible. Just 2 more weeks",Suicidal +20493,"My parents took me on vacation to Greece in the hope that I would be happy here. I have always wanted to go here and I think I will be happy here, but it is terrible here. this place is like hell. Everyone and everything seems to be so happy. It was my dream and I very like this place but I am still so sad. I still have suicide thoughts. My sadness does not fit in here so i pretends I am happy. I did not deserve this vacation. I cannot enjoy things anymore I am on dream vacation and I still want to kill myself.",Suicidal +23672,"I cannot finish school because of my mental illness, I cannot get a job because I will not have a degree or security, I have a partner who will break up with me any day now because I am too much to deal with, my parents are disappointed in me and are getting closer to death every day, I cannot afford therapy (even if I could, I cannot handle getting dropped as a client again), and I have been on six or seven medications and they have all failed. I just want to know if there is anywhere in my life can look at before making any decisions. Where do I search for a new reason to live?",Suicidal +12158,"my dad kicked me out, my mom did nothing. I am 19 and couch surfing atm i never felt so alone. i dropped out of hs a few years ago a lot was going on then so i pretty much have nothing, i ruined mu life and i never wanted to kill myself more. idk",Suicidal +20595,"I just look blank at the ceiling and keep on crying endlessly without any reason. I do not feel happy even after huge improvements in life, I do not feel bad after hearing the worst of news. I just exist and feel numb and cry desperately. Wanting to end this all. Update 1",Suicidal +7775,If someone were to stab me or if got hit by a truck right now ill thank that person for saving me to this despair. I am planning to stab myself soon. I cannot see any future for myself anymore. I cannot bear to live another day. These thoughts is drowning me every single day. I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +18075,"I am jumping off a cliff in 13 days. &#x200B;I am (for the first time admitting this) fucking terrified of getting older. I do not think I can make it to 18 let alone 60-80. I might aswell tell this girl I like them, they will never see me again. I could just die tomorrow. A bridge is a decent substitute. emotions",Suicidal +17050,"I cannot afford health care, college, a car, or to survive on my own in general. I cannot get a job without being overwhelmed by every single thing. I have narcissistic parents and even my therapist cannot come up with ways to spin this anymore. I just got out of psych hospital 3 days ago and I am already prepared to go back. Maybe this is a sign its finally over. If I had a dollar for everytime my life got worse, Id actually be able to fix my problems",Suicidal +20781,"Yeah, me again. Suck it up. I recommend you read this, but its your choice.So.. You saying life is hard and you want to give up? Heh, me too. But read this, if you still started.So, imagine a forest. How you want it, but a forest. Many trees, bushes, animals, flowers, insects, mountains, if you want mountains, you get it.Now imagine you are a tree. What tree you want. What color you want, shape, I do not care. But a tree, of any kind.Now imagine your place. Anywhere in the forest.And, the last thing, imagine a wind. A very powerful wind, going through the whole forest. And, what do you do ? Do you fall because of the wind ? No, you do not. Whatever kind of tree, color, place or shape you have, you are not going to fall. Not a single tree falls from any forest when there is even a thunderstorm.So, why would you ? If life hits you, and keeps getting worse, maybe you are not strong. Maybe you are weak. Ugly. Fat. Weird and dumb. But you cannot fall. Only if you want to.Nothing can happen to anybody if they do not want to. Everyone can stop anything, even if everything has an end.So, if you want to die and fall for real, you are going to die and fall. But, if you do not want to.. Uhh... ....Yeah.. I mean..You cannot stop an assassin from shooting you so..Happy dying Hello.",Suicidal +23930,"ContextIn 2018, my life was finally looking up. I had busted my ass and got my weight down to a good place, I was eating well, and I had finally found another job that was... well, sort of related to my industry of choice (graphic design, but I was working in a trophy shop). My boss verbally abused me, I quit within a month, I went back to junk food, I found another job at a t-shirt shop where I was paid to steal designs from Amazon (literally, my boss actually had me do this), got fired from that too, and the resulting trauma destroyed me. I could not even pick up a pen for a while to draw, I was so distraught. My weight ballooned, going from 168 to 250. I even tried killing myself for the second time.it is three years later. I busted ass, finally got out of the food delivery game (the only stable line of work I have known for about a decade), and worked my way up to being an HVAC apprentice after working in the warehouse for a year. Now I am out here and the job feels like it is going to hell. I do not see much of a future in this position, and this feels like 2018 all over again. I do not think I will survive this again. Yesterday I even formulated a plan if/when it all went down.it is not fair. I have busted my ass for the past year. I work out more, I sleep... better than I did (I am human), I have been doing all the usual self-care bullshit, and it is still not enough. I am going to die. I am going to die by my own fucking hand because I am going to lose this job that I worked so hard for. it is not fucking fair. I did everything I was supposed to. it is not fair",Suicidal +17818,"Mom suffered for 50+ years with a shitty life, brother died from cancer at a very young age. My dad is a complete drunk asshole. I have no friends or anyone to even live for. I know what is in store for me, it is continued pain, why not just kill myself and restart with a better life? Why not kill myself?",Suicidal +8414,I am in my early thirties. But I have had chronic suicidal ideation since age 14. I remember the first time as if it were yesterday. Part of me is proud I made it to 33. But I do not think I am going to last much longer. I feel weak for giving into the negative thoughts. But I just do not think I can keep up the facade anymore. I have high functioning ASD (Aspergers) and trying to fit in and form relationships has just grown far too exhausting. Wish you all the best in this subreddit. Reading many posts over the last month has given me some hope and inspiration. In knowing I am not alone with these struggles. You made an impact on me. Thank you. I can feel it coming.,Suicidal +10044,"i know i want to keep living but i do not see any reason to, i have nothing to look forward to, no one who loves me, nothing. idk why i should keep living all i know is that i want to how do i find a reason to keep going?",Suicidal +23080,OMG WHAT IS LIFE ALL MY LOVE ONES ARE GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY AND ME TOO. AND I am SCARED OF NOT KNOWING what is going to HAPPEN TO MY LIFE. I FEEL SO EMPTY AND LOST I HAVE NO PLAN FOR THE FUTURE LIFE IS SO FUCKING HARD. WHAT IS THIS WHY DOES IT going to BE THIS WAY IF THERE IS A GOD WHY WOULD HE LET THIS HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. PLS GOD JUST TAKE MY LIFE AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HELLISH LIFE THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING. OOHHH MY GOOODD!!!! what is GOING ON?,Suicidal +16553,"have not been with a girl in over a year, have not had a gf in 4 years; no sex in 3. went on a date last night which was horrible and have not had any other success, and just have no friends in general, been feeling like I am going to eventually just live alone forever and instead of living like that would rather just kill myself now so I do not have to deal with that pain. Only problem is I probably ever will not bc I have a cat who I love and I still have my parents who I love and cannot make them go through that, but if they did not exist Id definitely do it. Therapy does not work and I have tried all the meds out there. Fml Probably should just Kms now instead of being alone for the rest of my life",Suicidal +8900,I am m21 my mother passed away 3 days ago she was a single mother my rock a fucking saint I loved her man. Today I loose it at work because a customer tells me I am being very abrupt with her so I snap shouting at her I got fired. And to make matters worse my girlfriend who is been with me since we were 14 has decide that this week is the perfect time to tell me does not have feelings for me anymore I mean what did I do wrong man I tried to be there for her and now she is gone the last thing that would have kept me goijng I just do not see a point in going on man what is the point I just loose orfuck up everything man I am just so tired of the pain I am do not know how much longer I can go on. Man,Suicidal +7227,"I always thought how can you call suicidal people cowards? It takes so much bravery to actually hurt yourself and all that jazz. Well today, while i was dabbling in self pity, i realized that the main reason i am suicidal is that i am afraid of the future. I am afraid of taking responsibilities. I am afraid of facing this shitty life alone. I am afraid of stepping up and becoming a functional human being. I am afraid of taking on the responsibility of livingI have a few things i want to see happen, but i do not have any other reason to stay in ~1 year, and many reasons not to stay. Yes i am a coward, and i will die as one, one day. I am a coward",Suicidal +21156,"A month ago I got dumped by a girl whom I thought was the one. I cannot convince myself things are going to get better. This is the final nail in my coffin after a history of heartbreak and depression. I never have any control over why my relationships end. They just end and I am never prepared for it. This weekend I started having my first panic attacks in a long time and they are worse than ever before. They last so long now. I know I am happiest when I am in a relationship and that definitely is not healthy. But it seems like my default mood when I am alone is depressed. For the past decade, I have gone in and out of feeling amazing and feeling the worst pain I know. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot see myself with a family in the future. I have too many trust issues and I do not know if I will be willing to open up again if I ever meet someone new.Are my emotions even valid? I just cannot get her out of my head this time and I want to end it all. Today I walked past a parking lot and stopped because I considered going to the top and throwing myself off. I am swelling with emotion and it is getting harder to hold it in.",Suicidal +22080,thinking of jumping out right now. its moving 75 mph. but if i change my mind i do not want my parents to know since they do not know I am suicidal. if i land on my head ill probably die. will the car show if i unlocked the rear door whiles its moving,Suicidal +15511,"I cry every day. I talk about killing myself often. I self harm and show people. I tell my therapist about it. I write suicide notes and show people. I tried to do a thing and my partner grabbed the apparatus and asked are you done yet? I let my body weight try to do the job, but he never dropped the apparatus. Of course, I eventually chickened out first. I say, I cannot even pack my clothes myself, I am too ashamed. He says, Just let me know if you need me to pack your clothes for you and take you and I will. *Did I not just say that?*My therapist said I believe in your ability to manage your emotions without going inpatient. I asked, Do you believe in my ability to not kill myself without going inpatient? You never said you wanted to kill yourself. *are not I saying it now?*How much louder do I have to get when I can barely breathe? Every time I scream for help and am not heard, I choke on more water and lose even more precious air. I am out of reserves now and I am drowning. I am past the point of helping myself I have been doing the work for years in therapy, groups, leaning on friends, and using my coping skills as best I can. I am exhausted yet no better off for it. If one (1) person at my funeral says they are shocked, it was so unexpected, they never knew, so help me God I will Lazarus myself long enough to drag them back to the pits of hell with me. They all know. *Are they waiting for it to happen?* Its coming, I can feel it. I told everyone and it did not matter. People actually do not care to help. Telling a suicidal person to ask for it is sending them on a wild goose chase.",Suicidal +13458,i think I have been raped or atleast sexually assaulted multiple times idk idk it is so hard to know if i have or not and I am so suicidal i cannot do this shit i do not know what to do i do not know i do not know please someone please please please,Suicidal +20012,"I hate my life so much, I am sure that i will never be happy with it. My number one goal in life would be to start a family but, i would not want myself to be a husband or father due to my upbringing, if i really loved my future wife/kids Id let someone else be their husband/father. I am going to kill myself so if reincarnation is a thing then i will have another chance soon, if its just the end and nothing happens after death which i am fairly certain this is the case. At least then i will be at peace, i feel like the whole heaven and hell thing is extremely unlikely. Suicide is rational in my mind",Suicidal +23168,"I have got anxiety ocd and depression, I am on lots of different meds and I feel awful still I have tied my mind up in knots trying to self protect and I cannot untie them. I feel like I just want to give up I have really had so much more than I can take. cannot get this brain to unscramble feel like I am losing touch with reality.",Suicidal +21472,"life is just getting harder I am suffering mentally and physically everyday,and jesus christ I am going to be in the army next week,idk if I could handle it what I am trying to say that life is just so scary,it is so hard,the responsibilities and pain that I feel on my shoulder go away when I think about doing it it is comforting thinking like that,deep down I do not want to do it But I feel like I am hanging by a thread it is so easy and comfortable to have a plan to kill yourself",Suicidal +8400,"If you want to reply with anything diffetent like there is no reasons to live i do not want you o reply. Reasons to live is the only thing i want to see in replies, got it ? Can someone give me reasons to live",Suicidal +25750,literally i do not even know what to write anymore. everything is way too much. i want it to end. i do not want to wait. i want it to stop. life is garbage next chance i get i will get a gun. i cannot wait any longer,Suicidal +37527,"RT @no1bihet: One day ill kill myself and my suicide note will just be some shit like ""my arms are kinda chubby. Bye""",Suicidal +9072,"I will never be ok. I have never been okay a day in my life. 22 long years of hope and hope through all the abuse and trauma and more abuse and it keeps getting worse and worse I am too stupid to just stop my suffering because I am so delusion that I would be so hopeful through all the proof against me that I will be okay some day. The cycle keeps going, I keep wanting to die, I keep crying and clenching my pillow, I keep looking to start a drug addiction to take me out of reality. I wish I could kill myself why am I too retarded to even do that Just crying",Suicidal +15583,Please helpI know this is a wierd subreddit to put it on but I feel like this is were it could be related to the most. My dysmorphia has made me borderline suicidal and my nihilistic mindset will not help. Obviously I will not do it neither do I have the balls to but I just need a new start a new life. Someone please drop ideas of how I can start a new life before it gets too bad please. And please do not say stuff like oohhh do not do it you have a lot to life for I need answers not comfort. I hope people do not feel the same since its a horrible feeling. Would appreciate some help Please help,Suicidal +16953,I have a box of pills and I am really thinking about taking at least a tray of them when my parents are asleep Planning to end it tonight,Suicidal +25296,i was so fucking happy a minute ago now i wish i was dead. i hate it how my mood changes so quickly,Suicidal +22211,"Ill preface this saying I am aware of my own hand in all of this. I have known I was bipolar disorder for most of my life, and getting help never seemed to really help. Between meds and therapy its never seemed like any of its ever made a difference. I have allowed my best and only friend to be tainted by the disgusting person I can be when I lose myself. I have been abusive, I have been a gaslighting piece of shit, I have hurt everyone I have ever claimed to love. This one just seems the most painful of all, and I cannot seem to move past it. Every days been getting harder and darker.I thought picking up my life and moving across country would help. A new place, a new start. But here I have nothing and nobody. I am at a loss, and the only person I want to talk to has written me off and is seeing someone new, who is never hurt her like I did. And its killing me. It all seems pointless, what else do I have left? I have lost the love of my life, due to my own disgusting shortcomings. Its become hard to just exist.",Suicidal +24425,"I do not think anyone will care or see this, as is not uncommon on Reddit, but I need to say. I love my parents. I could not break their hearts. My family is precious. But the thing REALLY keeping me alive is my baby dog, Ellie. She is almost a year and my baby. I love her so much and know that she would not understand. She would miss me singing to her, or walking her at 12:30 everyday. Nobody knows what every little bark means the way I can. And I could not take that from her. It would not be right to bring a dog in and die. My Dog Keeps Me Alive",Suicidal +25907,"i feel like most people are depressed for a few defined reasons, and there is 100% something here on earth that will make them stay. i can see the hope that they cannot see for them (idk how to describe). there is absolutely nothing that could happen that will make me want to stay. i hear people my age talking about having kids and stuff when they are older and i just laugh to myself knowing that I am going to be long dead.there is nothing i fucking want from this shitty world. not love not money not anything. i think i was not meant to be born as it seems everyone else wants to be aliveI FUCKING HATE MY LIFE, WHEN AM I EVENTUALLY GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH IT. I NEED TO DIE hHhshsnsn'&3&38:'xnxn",Suicidal +9842,"I have had a few dreams where something is trying to push me off a cliff, i always struggling trying to stay on for a bit but then just give up and jump off because id rather die than struggle to live. my day thoughts are taking over my night thoughts...",Suicidal +36706,if i tell a psychiatrist that i am suicidal will they immediately have me shipped away and handcuffed to a bed i always lie,Suicidal +26588,"I am sure this'll get lost in a sea of posts just like this but it is fine, I need to vent more than anything, I am sitting here on vacation staring at a beautiful mountain from my balcony and instead of appreciating where I am or just enjoying the view all I can think about is how much I have lost and how much I want to die, my relationship with my best friend went up in flames last year due to my feelings for her and I lost my job in the process (and have been unemployed for around the 13 months since due to the stupid apocalypse), the other person I am closest to moved to another part of the country for work and I have only seen him once in the year since he moved, I would never admit it in person but I have been desperately lonely and the only people I can connect with right now are my parents who are emotionally abusive at the best of times, when I am not job hunting I spend my days at bars trying to force myself to have even the most rudimentary human reactions, days spent like this have turned into weeks which have turned into months and now I am sitting here at over a year in and one way or another I just want it to be over, I cannot live like this anymore I just do not know how much more of this life I can take",Suicidal +19547,"I have a pretty good life by most accounts. I am going into my last year of college heading into a pretty lucrative field. I have a loving girlfriend who cares about me more than anyone. I have a good relationship with my family. I have not gone through any major crisis in my life basically ever. So why do I always just want to fucking die? Nothing is going on in my life that should lead to me being suicidal and depressed, and yet that is exactly where I am. I do not even have a good reason to want to kill myself",Suicidal +23108,"I have suppressed so much shit that i do not even know where to begin. i push all my feelings to the side because i think ""oh it will go away"" but it never fuckin does. i feel like I am just fuckin extra weight on everyone is lives. i fuckin regret being born. I am way too scared to actually kill myself but its gettin to a point where a part of me is not, and its like I am fuckin working against myself. I am also way too fuckin scared to open up to anyone i know personally about my feelings because i feel like I am bein judged 24/7. there are also a lot of things i will not be able to change for me to be at least a small bit happy with myself.whenever i do anythin (like play video games or watch a show or somethin) it feels like I am wasting time when i know there is nothing that I am supposed to do. it feels like I am wasting my entire life just by existing. there is definitely way more things that i would list here but currently my brain is such a fuckin mess that i can barely think of anything. sorry to anyone who read this fuckin dumpster fire of a post. this is a fucking mess",Suicidal +14443,"Hello, I have decided to not kill myself today, and I am going to keep track of the things I have done since. I have got enough time to prove myself right, hopefully its not wasted. I am going to continue to write out my days warts & all until I feel like my life is worth living or if I decide otherwise. Hope whoever is reading this comes along the journey, I just do not want to feel alone anymore. Day #1 07/20/2021 3:11AM CST",Suicidal +17204,Earlier this year my long term girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. I was really shocked by this and still think I am in denial that were not together. she is already dating someone else but still wants to be my friend. I was convinced and certain she was the one and I am struggling to move on. Every time I think of dating or hooking up with someone else I get sad and uncomfortable. How have you rebuilt your life after a breakup with someone you were so certain about? How to get over someone you were so certain was The One?,Suicidal +14780,Because its not the good old days anymore. Shit. It would be perfect to drink a bottle of nice scotch and swallow a bottle of pills. Goodbye and goodnight. Why oh why cannot I just OD on sleeping pills and booze?,Suicidal +13322,"I literally have NO CLUE why the hell I am writing here... this is pissing me off... I guess I have some questions but there is part of me scared that rather than me getting demotivated and turned away from my thoughts, I might actually give others bad ideas. Whatever...it is just beyond frustration to google the ""so many versions"" of the same question, which might be obvious since I am writing in this sub, and then get the same fucking results every single time just from different websites with the same retarded ""self-help"" ideas (that do not work btw!).But I digress... So here is the meat of the issue: there is absolutely no point to life and/or living. Living makes zero sense and the only logical thing to do is death. And the more I try to distance myself from this shit the more it pursues me. I cannot see the point of life and living, which is not even the biggest issue in and of itself, but I can see a truckload of reasons to die. Guess that is where I am at: no reasons to live, but too many to count to end it.Wherever I google reasons to keep going, all that comes up is stuff like ""tomorrow is another day"", ""it is going to get better if you give it some time"" and ""just get through today"". HEY ASSHOLE! How about after 3.000 (literally) *another day* that sentence seems more like a threat than a message of hope? How about it not getting better? How about getting through today is THE VERY REASON for this? there is only so many *todays* you can get through.Some are even worse, like ""try new things"", ""change how you do things"" and ""Jesus loves you"". The first two basically do not even consider that it might go both ways, whereas the last... Not even going to address it. Honestly, I guess if I could believe (however I cannot, and also am conflicted about it) then it would trick me into the whole ""divine plan"" kind of thing which, as stupid as it is, at least would make it all make sense.Also why bother going to a shrink? To what? Get myself pumped up on drugs that will numb me and, supposedly, get me through another 30 years of this shit? it is not like it would solve the core issue. It would not provide for immortality, hence still ending up in the same place through different means, nor would it give life purpose. So to speak, ignoring truth does not make it less true.I do realize most of the mainstream stuff has the purpose of getting the people who are going through a specific moment and after that they can go back to normal. But what about... people like... me? Those for whom ""this"" is normal. It is abhorrent to think that once all the layers of BS are stripped, all that is left is a world of pain, nothingness, suffering and decay. And if you think I am selfish well FUCK YOU! Had I been selfish probably my life would not have been the total shitshow that it was/is, and I would not be here (mentally, not on reddit).Is it really eating, sleeping, sex, work, drugs and defecating all there really is to life? And do not give me the whole ""human emotions"" crap, we all know those are just chemicals released by our bodies (and easily created in a lab) to make us perceive something that logically is not there. it is so bad to be in the tunnel and realize the light is a lie (pardon the lame videogame homage).I feel pretty pathetic for writing this, but at this point might aswell post it and see if someone has an answer to offer. no idea why I am doing this but looking for an answer",Suicidal +21910,"I am turning 19 soon but I still view myself as a kid, not a teenager like a 10-11 year old who never really grew up. I also look quite young and cannot really associate myself with most people my age. Sometimes I wish I could be friends with people that r 12-13 but I would not do that bc its kind of creepy and weird i know that but I just do not feel real I still feel like a child",Suicidal +19280,"I cannot even bring myself to get pissed off anymore, to get mad or annoyed. I just feel resigned to the monotony of misery. I am taking anti-depressants yet still i broke down the other night and wept in a fetal position. Babbling and crying the whole time. I want out, I want out, its too much.I have probably caused severe harm to my apt and lost my security deposit from poor life decisions, my tuitions due and I am broke but I could not care less. I cannot even muster up the motivation to care, I cannot even slack off and play video games I am too disorganized and lost for that. It feels like no matter how loud I cry for help my mom wears earplugs. All she wants to know is if I have found a job yet. If you wanted a job you would have found one already.I do not want a job. I wish I still had enough control over my mind for that. I am lost to my own fears and doubts and suffocating from it all. I just want it all to stop but anything I have tried just feels like putting a band aid on a torn off limb. I cannot do anything.",Suicidal +9772,"I have tried, and I have improved. Everything from academics to physique. All that got me is the realization that no matter how much I try, Ill never be good enough for anyone. Not my parents, not my former classmates, and not myself. I honestly do not know what to do. do not try",Suicidal +14946,I fucking hate being alone. I just want to die.,Suicidal +19531,I lost my job because I fucked up. I screwed up the one thing that gave me any value. I am sick of being here and sick of being fucking worthless. I have been so depressed for so long and today I lost my job. I wish I had the balls to just end it.,Suicidal +17890,"there is a rope swing in my yard. I have practiced fashioning it into a noose, and undoing it before any member of my family could see. I have a tree, a rope, and chair, and all the motive in the world. All of my friends have been turned against me (as detailed in my post on r/sad), my parents and sister are awful people that treat me like a side act, every girl I have ever had feelings for has used me one way or another, and I just cannot seem to do anything right. I am a devote Christian, and I am prepared to make peace with my affairs and recompense in the face of God at the gates of Heaven, because at this point, the only person that cares about me is you reading this. But I bet I can change that, watch: I support Donald Trump. The fact that that will be enough to turn some of you away from this post only makes this easier. So its decided. The next time my mom, dad, and sister leave the property together, I will walk my chair into the yard, tie up the ole swing, and leave this nothing life behind. I have devised a plan",Suicidal +12236,"So I guess this is it. I live with my grandma, were about $2000 behind on the bills and she has no idea. Everything is getting shut off on Monday. The cats are starving, just got a call today saying I did not get a job I applied for two weeks ago. I have been turned down for multiple jobs over the past six months and I am at the end of my rope lol. I actually went to Walmart about an hour ago and picked up some nylon rope for the weekend.Tonight I am writing my letters and making a mixtape, tomorrow I am throwing all my stuff out and wiping my devices, Saturday night I am ending it all. I have been nothing but a failure and a disappointment and honestly do not deserve to live. I cannot face my grandma on Monday when the lights go out.Thanks Reddit for everything, you are the only reason I have made it this far. Stay safe and hug someone today. Joining the 27 club",Suicidal +16602,"I wish I just had the guts to do it. Years of trying to change things does not do anything. I did everything they told me to do. I have tried it all. Meds, getting a new job, leaving a bad relationship, trying to reconnect with family, nothing is the same as it was even last year, two years ago, ten years ago, nothing except how miserable I am. How much I hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, only that is the same. Only that continues to prove to me that I will not ever feel any better. I am trapped in this awful life I never asked for, and nothing but death can get me out of this pain. it is not going to stop. Over and over I come back here",Suicidal +16540,"When I am on a bridge, I cannot jump.When I am holding a knife, I cannot cut deep enoughWhenever I am in the spot to end my life, I cannot.Yet it is all I want. I do not want to live, I hate myself and my life. I am alone, no friends, no job, no school. I am a nobody. All I will be leaving behind is my family, but I have accepted that. But I cannot take the 1 step that I need to take to die. I cannot cut my vein, I cannot fall of off that bridge. Why? Why the fuck am I unable to do 1 thing right? Why cannot I do it?",Suicidal +12787,forced to live. hi,Suicidal +18378,"I am currently feeling like it would be easier to take my ow life than carry on. My wife and I have recently agreed to separate. We also have two young girls aged 5 and two. The thought of not seeing them everyday is breaking my heart. I also feel like a failure. I suspect I may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder as my wife recently pointed out that I possess several of the relevant traits: I am highly sensitive to criticism, regularly have fantasies of success and, whilst I believe I can and do empathise with others, I am starting to question whether I do this simply because this is what good person would do. I also have very low self-esteem. With little-to-no idea of what I can do to improve this, I am feeling trapped and as though Ill never be able to improve my mood, make new friends, enjoy a normal social life, etc. Happiness just feels like a mystery; something I can neither understand or comprehend. It feels like too much right now",Suicidal +7640,people make fun of me because I am lonely i do not talk to people and it is embarrassing i want to be dead being lonely is so embarrassing,Suicidal +15402,"I probably going to ramble a bit, so sorry about that.(also sorry for bad english) I have not found motivation to fix anything in my life for a long time now. it is not that I want to die, luckily I did not really had those thoughts for a while now, altho the ocasionall thought does appear, but as fast as it apeared, it dissapears too. I would like to fix my life, but putting effort into something worthless, does not seem ok for me. Sounds like a waste of time, because I cannot change. At least it feels like it. I cannot exactly describe how do I feel. Everything feels... Grey. Even the thoughts in my head, weather it be good, or bad, it just has this emptiness feel to it, but not in a bad way. I would like to change, but I do not want to change either. I do not even feel motivation to kill myself. I mean why bother? It only going to because pain to others. Some might even blame themselves, and this feeling of emptiness would just go to the other person. I hate to talk about these things, because there are people who has a harder life than I do. I mean I am posting on a site, where are peoples who went trough the worst shit, has a traumatic sad life, yet here I am complaining and whine like a little kid. kind of feels like my feelings are not valid in any way or form. Maybe I am just selfish. I do not know anymore... Heck I never knew anything. Honestly, I do not know what I want or need anymore.",Suicidal +20055,"I am disgusting and worthless, cannot even starve myself properly, I should just kill myself I just want to die",Suicidal +11691,The most lonely thing I have felt as an adult with depression. Trying to reach out to people especially to distract myself from intrusive thoughts about killing myself. No one ever reaches back out. I can walk into a crowd and still feel alone. Sometimes I just want to scream. Sorry if that does not make sense. I am just really sad and numb. The most lonely thing,Suicidal +37081,"@LoliThicc,Northen ireland,Im sorry if i really want my life to end im sorry i drank for week straight i am sorry but its hard to say its gonna be fine when my life has never been fine atall im sorry i just dont want to be here anymore...",Suicidal +26535,they deserve to suffer so bad. I will kill myself that will teach them to be so neglectful. I will kill myself just to hurt people,Suicidal +15063,"I live in Conway, SC and I am a 450 pound man who can barely walk. My life cannot get much worse. My day is shit, its going to be shit tomorrow, shit after that, shit after that. I just cannot take this shit anymore. I have tried everything but all I get is hate from the trolls. My name is Jordie Jordan and I am a 450 pound man",Suicidal +11461,Quarter life crisis hitting hard Anyone dealt with failure to launch?,Suicidal +27006,"I went out to walk in the park an hour ago and i had my hat on with earbuds,i was dressed very bad as in i did not put much thought of what i wore,i walked a bit, it was time to come home and when i was leaving i looked up and saw two girls sitting on a bench,one had her back towards me and the other was facing my direction, at first i did not really put to much thought to it when my dumbass was still looking at her thinking who is she, she looks familiar.And when it hit me,it was the two girls who used to pick on me in middle and elementary school,i did not know what to do,my feet stopped moving they did not fuckin budge,my heart started pounding and i started breathing heavily.the girl looked at me up and down,and i lowered my head and finally my legs started moving,i had to pass them,i just know they were talkin and looking at me.I never wanted to see them again,they picked on me because of my weight,they made fun of the way i talked,they put the whole class against me,and made me embarrassed in front of everyone.they made me want to kill myself everyday,they are the ones that made me turn out this way,they made me hate myself in everyway possible now i cannot talk to anyone i cannot make friends,I am always alone,and have a fucked up mind.they had gotten prettier,in good schools,all A's,while I am the ugly loser,all because they were bored,i cannot get over it,now I am in highschool but still think about them,afraid if I am going to run into them.Idk what to do anymore,why whyyy must they have everything and ruin my life.the damage is done. I saw my bullys today",Suicidal +12811,They did not come pick up the proof I had and said not to call them based on speculation only. Why does this place even exist? I cannot sleep now because I did my best and it was not enough. Chat with me til I can sleep. I wish people were unable to wash the blood of the people they have hurt off of their hands. Help me get my mind off this. Its going to push me over the edge. DCFS can be so useless. I need to talk to someone.,Suicidal +13851,"Holy fuck, I do not see any point in existing when all I have done in my life is make other people miserable. I am such a fucking embarrassment. I want to off myself and do everyone else a favour:) I am a terrible person :)",Suicidal +14793,"The time I spend by myself, which is most of the time, I usually try to come up with a reason for it all. Spending the next 40 or so years of my life with each day on repeat, working, filling myself with food, unsatisfied, then repeat.I have been through a lot in my life. Spent quite a few years in the military, literally seen people die, just to be able to afford an education to try and better myself.I have never really had a successful relationship, so I have gotten pretty addicted to solitude, to the point where I hardly do anything anymore besides come home after work, lay in bed and let time pass till the next day.At one point I went to behavioral health in the military, and I was hazed and teased for it, so its branded in my head that talking to anyone about mental health is wrong.Why even put myself through this anymore. I truly do not understand the point. what is the point",Suicidal +11677,I am so drained. I just want peace. I have been praying for peace for three full years. I just want to sleep forever. Tired,Suicidal +23457,"I (15F) was sexually assaulted when i was 10 and 13 by the same cousin. My parents are abusive fucks. My brothers tried killing me more than once, and has been touching me lately. My uncle will not stop touching me either. I have tried killing myself before. I am just so done with all these thoughts in my head. Like ""its all your fault, you went into that closet with him."" ""you should have told him to stop."" ""maybe i deserve getting beaten like this."" i do not know what to do and i want to die so badly and I am so tired of wanting to die I am so tired of all the thoughts in my head",Suicidal +20622,"I cannot fucking take this shit anymore, my family is fucking horrible my friends do not help I am completely alone, I cannot do this anymore, life is just to fucking much I am literally about to fucking break and kill myself",Suicidal +26163,"I do not want your help, I never asked for it. I do not want any medication, it does fuck all for me anyway. I do not want any therapy, I really do not want to have to sit down with a stranger who does not care and explain to them that all I want in life is for it to be over. I do not want to get better, I could not care less. I do not want you worrying about me, I never asked you to care. I do not want any family or friends anymore because it would be a lot easier to die without them. I do not want any real interaction with anyone at all to be honest. But think about all the stuff you will miss out on and all the stuff you would not be able to do if you kill yourself No I am not going to miss out on anything because Ill be dead and I will not know any better, I have not experienced it so I cannot miss it. I just want to be dead, and if I cannot manage that I just want to be left alone to sleep for the rest of my life. I did not ask for this life, its nothing but a curse. I feel like I am going insane trapped in my own mind. Idek, this is just me ranting into the void because my heads fucked and I do not know what else to do. (I know friends follow me on here so if you see this, no you did not. do not worry about me, that is the last thing I want) No one actually gets it do they?",Suicidal +9857,I am 35 I have never owned a vehicle I have only ever dated one girl and that was over 13 years ago. I have only ever been passionate with 2 woman and the 2nd was a lesbian. I do not own anything and I have never paid my taxes. My teeth are falling out but I do not drink often or do many drugs other then occasional weed when my mind starts spinning and I need to calm it. I spent my whole youth in front of a computer screen I am 250lbs and I have a horrible time in social situations I almost always embarrass myself to the point that I feel uncomfortable even being in crowds. I have been on tinder for over a year and only ever had 20 matches and 2 replies. I am not very attractive. I am going to die alone I have no future to look forward to my job is physically demanding with very little pay and long hours. I was at peace with the notion of growing old and dieing even if it is alone but lately I find myself wondering if life even holds meaning enough to carry on for the few people that still know me. My only 2 friends only bother with me once in a while. If I chose to live it will only be in misery and sorrow. Why would I want a long lonely road ahead. I do not know,Suicidal +26510,"Today was a really rough day. I am currently in a residential treatment program and away from my family and today (I guess technically yesterday) fucking blew. It stated off with a conversation with my mom where she confronted me about having issues with her and my dad. She was incredulous that there was anything she could have done that I had a problem with. This is a woman that sent me to weight watchers as a child, called me a bitch, in a family that referred to me as Cinderella (because as the only girl, I was expected to do extra chores) chose my brothers over me time and time again. This is the woman that on the Mothers Day outing I had planned just for the two of us took a call with my brother for the first 20 min of our meal together. The mother that complained I made her miss the World Series because she had to visit me in the psych ward. And then made sure to bring it up again 10 years later. she is never said jack shit about that time except for remembering how she missed a fucking baseball game. Yeah I have fucking problem with you. The rest of the day was just killing time while I heard about everyone is plans for the 4th (I am American). Obviously things are not going well - I am in treatment for a reason, and will be here for a while. But days like today are excruciating. Its like I feel like I am on fire, or someone is poking me with a thousand needles while a weight presses down on my chest and throat, making me feel like I am choking and suffocating at the same time. I cannot stand it. Truly. Right now I just wish I was dead. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I am so tired, its exhausting. I feel like I have lived a million years - I cannot take it. I feel like I just was not meant to be here. To be alive. I have no purpose - each day is just a series of activities to pass the time. I am not in any immediate danger, I am literally being checked on every hour, anything sharp, all meds and anything else potentially dangerously is either locked up or has been removed from the house. But that does not make it any easier. I am terrified that there is no hope for me. I am unfixable. And doomed to suffer for god knows how long. No one should have to endure this many years of pain. A goddamn lifetime of it. I do not see the point. I do not want to be here anymore. I want to die. cannot sleep and tired of being in this unbearable pain",Suicidal +24410,"I am out of options, I just need my voice.. OUR voice to be heard. I need someone that believes in me, believes in US. I suffer from a rare condition called PSSD. I know a lot of you have heard about it but from some comments I have seen a lot of ppl do not seem to take us seriously. Unlike some other rare conditions I cannot go to a doctor and be treated or diagnosed with it, we are all literally gaslighted by the same ppl that gave us the condition? So what am I left to do? It was not until after 7 months of having it did I find out that I had PSSD. Something was off with my body, my emotions, my brain. It was such a relief to find out what it was that I was going through only to be shattered by all the doctors I went to claiming it is not real. Now I have tried a lot of things, I have reinstated multiple SSRIs, it did a good deal on mood but nothing for anhedonia, libido, etc etc, all the things that made my life exciting, enjoyable; do not get any sort of side effects from SSRIs now like I would when I first started using them before PSSD. I do not know, I am a fighter. I will not give up until I know its over for me. there is still a couple things I want to try before I come to my final decision on my life. I just know if doctors started working on this years ago they would have found a cure by now. I just feel alone. Maybe this is my last push, if nothing will cure me I need communities like this one to push the word out. I know from the inside in especially for all you that have been on anti depressants and were not permanently changed by them, it just does not seem real. But it is, I just need you guys to believe in me, believe in us. Because at the end of the day that could be the last of my hope. Thank you Please help us.",Suicidal +16364,"Well, I just did autism testing to see if my old Asperger's diagnosis could be reversed so I could enlist in the Army which I was counting on for some repurpose and motivation for my life when I turned 17 but turns out it did not get reversed and all because I could not hold myself together for a few hours of testing I just fucked myself out of my future. Guess I are not got much keeping me here anymore. Wish I had the balls to post this on my main socials or regular account but I just do not. So here I am hiding behind some throwaway because I do not have it in me to bottle this shit up like I wish I did. Fuck it all.",Suicidal +21208,"I often had suicidal thoughts, recently, with the appearance of a loved one, they stopped ... But he sometimes strangles himself and ... If he dies, then I will kill myself right away ... how to dissuade a person from strangling himself? how to dissuade a person from strangling himself?",Suicidal +23380,"Hello,I have depression, apathy, ocd, neurosis since 10 years now. Every seconds is a nighmare.Why do I write that here ? I am just bored and words will not make me feel better, I actually do not know anymore what happiness or joy mean, I cannot even simulate it with scenarios in my head, it is completely forgotten.I decided to go in the mountains this summer to do some hiking, but in the mean time I am telling myself it could be a good place to leave this world, a big scary jump and it is all done. My brain gave me hope yesterday by giving the first dream in years (I only have nightmares). In this dream, a girl was in love with me, but this never happened irl. It was good, but this dream is also evil because it brings hope, hope is not good, it makes you wait again and again for things to get better they never do. I knew only hate, pure hate from others all my life, that is why I am so nice to people : I am fucking terrified by them, so I am soft, I am nice, I act social while I want that bullet in my head at least once a day.But yeah, mountains could be a good way to go, it is beautiful and I will be eaten by wild animals.I feel pleasure when I say to myself ""I can quit whenever I want"", it is so relaxing. I would love to experience a love story, but I am so innocent and so romantic, while people now are just looking for sex, threesome, foursome... I love my innocence, it is part of me, I am pure about love. I would love staring into the eyes of my soulmate, heart beating like hell, breathing fast, and you do not even want or have sexual thoughts, you just want to hug that person, smelling what she smells like, hearing her breathing, her heart beating fast like you. Death could give me that, it hugs you, it gives you the freedom you never had, falling for a cliff, it is like the ground is ready to hug you, it is arriving so fast, we want each other and it will finally give you that warmth, that freedom. In the mountains ?",Suicidal +7291,Do you regret not committing suicide? For all the people who wanted to kill themselves but never did it. Did your life improved?,Suicidal +8706,The urge is getting stronger each day. I need help. I am a much better person than this. Please bring me back to my sense. I truly missed my old self My suicidal tendencies started to develop into suicide+murder intention.,Suicidal +22855,"I have never been able to find much about stabbing suicide cases, those seem to be rare. Stabbing or cutting your wrist, which is more likely to work?",Suicidal +16269,"A week or so ago I had an issue with an online friend long story short I sent a picture of something and he went if I was there I could take good pictures of you and I was like what?? Lol and then this idiot starts going on a fuking rant like did you think I meant I wanted to go there to do horny things with you? Maybe you have a problem for thinking perv thugs all the time. you are a pervert literally our of nowhere? I mean if you ask me that is a clear indicator that maybe hes a f*king pedo? For bringing the matter of s*x out of nowhere? So I block him and all, which was pretty sad because wed been friends for a long time now but I am the type that does not take ANY chances while forming friendships online. Plus this thing of him making horny jokes 24/7 got annoying.The thing is we are both suicidal but he seems to act like its edgy or something... I know its not up to me to judge him so I will not say much more. Basically he just goes and says shit he sees in anime like my core is hollow... the beauty in life is that there is no meaning... we must go on which I am like .... ok cool but fuking cringe? If you do not find this cringy then to each their own opinion, I will not judge you, perhaps its just that I am not the right person to be around him.But then he goes and tries to reach me on EVERY PLATFORM (that we have) including a game chat after realizing I blocked him. When I finally let him say what he had to say he goes on another I am here for you... you are the only one in my life that I really care about which sounds like a load of bullsh*t to me? Regardless if I off myself or not why tf does it concern you? He thinks suicide is an aesthetic or what? I do not want to deal with these petty fights over online friends at 18 years old. Yeah I am going to fight my shit mental health without this cringe shit over and over. Rant from blocking an old friend online",Suicidal +12234,My life for the past few years has been nonstop suffering. Just make it all stop. Please. I cannot fucking do this anymore. I want to die.,Suicidal +17755,"Surprisingly, its more because I am not good at anything and when I do try, all I do is get smacked down by others and do even worse then I was doing before. My girlfriend is emotionally numb and I always feel like I am tolerated not enjoyed or liked and all of this. Add on the fact I am serious and get angry and frustrated at myself so easily its making me feel like I am in a tortured cage getting stabbed and poked over and over again by the world for trying to make things better. Being in calls with friends all the time that are not doing anything that I do or want to play with me makes me feel worse but they still want me there. I just hate it all and that the world just feels like its never going to get progressively any better and I am stuck here 14 years old on my bed typing this on a shitty laptop makes me wonder why i try I am so tired of being alive mentally and emotionally",Suicidal +25226,"My partner is going to leave me. I get abused and push everyone away. Am I just supposed to accept that and continue being in these relationships? I know nothing else. What is a ""normal"" relationship? I do not even know now, I am trusting these women and their families to tell me. I do not want her to call me names, and she does. It hurts me. I do not know how to live like a normal person, I was just a kid that wanted love and everyone fucked with me. Now I do not know what the fuck I am doing. I am so lost in this pit. I am never going to escape this. Therapy, EMDR, I am so scared to live. I am so scared to trust people. I am so damn tired. I feel so hurt for all the people out there that suffered abuse, especially as kids. Fuck all the people that hurt us. I just do not want to be here anymore. Nothing makes sense.",Suicidal +7998,"So I have been diagnosed with panic disorder, severe depression, and I also have horrible anger issues that just make me feel like shit afterwards. For a few years now my depression and anger have taken a bad fucking turn. it is gotten so bad that I have been pounding brick walls and getting into fights as a form of self harm/punishment (stupid I know but it also keeps the anger in check).About four months ago I stopped taking my meds, I mean they barely helped me anyway. No one really knows what is been going on with me and I think that is for the best. I am about to start college in about a month and I am extremely tempted to kill myself before then.Days just blure together and the faces of friends start to lose their meaning. I honestly feel like I am out of options at this point and I do not know what to do. I wish the best for everyone that reads this but I do not believe that anything good is in the cards for me. My only constant emotions are rage and utter sadness and no amount of support can change that.",Suicidal +14161,"Hi, I am just writing this because I want to put it in writing.So, I am a mid 20's straight male who is about to get Master's degree at a university in Europe. For most people that would be considered a real start of life, but for me, it will mark the end. I hope I will leave this world soon after getting my diploma. The reasons are as follows.I have no real friends. I barely hang out with anyone, and even when I do, I always feel like such a burden. Nobody ever invites me anywhere, I always have to initiate something. I have also never had sex, never even kissed a girl, or had a girlfriend. I do not blame them, girls do not like short introverts who have no self confidence. Even though I will finish university, I feel like I am so much dumber than everyone else. I cannot see myself ever getting hired for a job (I have sent applications, and I am always rejected or ignored). Again, I do not blame them either. I have watched all my former class colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable. They all graduated already, have steady jobs, their own houses, girlfriends/boyfriends etc. and I am just here sitting alone writing on SuicideWatch subreddit.The worst part is, I only have myself to blame. Sure, being short, kind of ugly, and being from a poor family did not help, but I have seen people who had it worse than me succeed way better than me. I also have full support from my family in everything I do which is heartbreaking. I would actually prefer if they did not give a damn about me so I could just leave in peace. I have been kind of lazy my whole life, but I would say the bigger problem was that I never had a proper friend/tutor in life. I never had someone I could actually talk about my problems with, or what course in life to do, or to ask help with girl etc. Please do not suggest me psychiatrists, they are incredibly expensive (no way I could afford private ones) and barely do their job where I live, so that is just not an option. So, my current plan is to finish my degree just so my former colleagues do not think that is the reason I left and I look even dumber. After that, I would tell my family I am looking for a job, but I actually will not, and I would just leave one day. I already have a notepad list of things to do (delete everything from phone, web history, stuff like that), put my cash savings in an envelope under my pillow so my family can afford the funeral, and just say I am going to take a walk but I will never come back.that is the plan. Time to leave",Suicidal +19729,"Why does not my family care? Why did not they rally around me when my world collapsed and I was breaking down? They do not even ring and check in on me, and their only niece. They do not support or encourage me. How can I even call them family? Honestly, I feel betrayed. Cast aside. Ignored. Why did I have to be me? To be abandoned and betrayed by anyone I trusted? I truly wish for a fatal accident, or terminal illness to take me out. I would rejoice that soon this suffering and pain would end. I wish I could give all my years to my daughter and erase myself from her memory so she would never feel pain over me not being around.I hate this existence. I hate the way I am. I hate myself more than mere words can describe. Death will never come soon enough for me. I hope it does though, very soon. Why...",Suicidal +36127,RT @ZachStafford: I used to check the Forbes 30 Under 30 list every year to see if I could find a husband on it.,Suicidal +26489,"I have been suicidal sense 2017 and as of today I cannot fight it anymore. I had a good life and I happened to develop Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar which have been draining my life away ever sense. I have lost every single person I called a friend. My wife left me a few months for being unstable and a moron and now hates me. Entrepreneur and my instability after divorce made me loose all my business I had and now living at my parents house fearing I am just a failure. I have tried to make friends and make amends with my wife but I just cannot. I was hospitalized the day after my wife left me for suicide ideation and then went to rehab for the next month within hours of getting home I went back to being suicidal. Every single day it feels like One step closer to my death, i cannot even function anymore as I am dissociated most of the day and have not talked to a human in months. I do not know what to do ): BPD",Suicidal +36615,Somebody just please kill me before my life gets any more stupid?,Suicidal +10836,"Due to something that has happened between us were not friends anymore. I will not go into any details, but he hurt me on levels that I did not think were possible. I trusted him. He knew all of my secrets, my strengths and weaknesses, my past, aspirations and goalsand according to him, I only knew 17% of him. I was always okay with that. Until today. We were so close. I am ready to overdose on painkillers now. Or stab myself with one of our kitchen knives. This is the last straw. I cannot do this anymore. The one person who I thought was my best friend hurt me so deeply that I probably will not be able to recover. He knows he hurt me, and he intended it. He knows I am suicidal, and it makes him happy. I am so disgusted and hurt and tired and angry, I just want to slit my throat open and die. He was the last thing keeping me here. And now were done. Lost my best friend today",Suicidal +19475,i really do not know how to explain the reason why i want to die (this time) it just feels like a lot of little things went wrong and then i had a fight with my best friend of six years and she probably hates my guts now (i do not blame her if she does) and it just tipped me over the edge and I have been sobbing on my bed for an hour now. i relapsed and there is blood all over my goddamn sheets and I am crying over that too because i live on a college campus and i do not have enough money to even do my laundry and i do not know how I am going to get these stains out and i want to call my boyfriend (he cannot even help me i just like hearing him tell me I will be okay) but he will not be home from work until midnight and i know he will drive the hour or two it will take to see me if he felt like he needed to and i think I would really want to die for burdening him like that but i feel like if i do not talk to someone I am going to fucking explode. i just want to die idk what else to say,Suicidal +36447,"I work with a lot of Russians in the SoCal office and they look completely miserable. Whenever I see them,… https://t.co/f3hfTkoc4E",Suicidal +36894,Tired of living day by day like everything’s alright,Suicidal +20969,"I lightly slapped my ex girlfriend in the shower two weeks ago because she made a joke about having sex with someone very close to my heart that passed away. It was a knee jerk reaction Wed explored slapping and other things like that in the bedroom. She is calling me an abuser and that my future looks bleak. I have done so much work to be a better person over the years. I put a gun in my mouth the other night. I am glad I do not have anything stronger than a .22 I do not want to be a vegetable. its odd because In a way I am so peaceful but I feel like if I am such a horrible person then maybe I should not be alive. People were saying she should destroy my life. I want to feel good again. I actually am feeling good again. But there is something that says maybe it would be better to end it. I am getting help I want to meet someone I love. I really want to love myself. I feel so close but I am neck and neck with ending it all. This is not the first time I have been here. I never thought Id be here again. But. I hurt her. I feel like I never even really knew her and I lost myself in her. I was already having some of these feelings come up when I was with her. She says I am manipulative and controlling. I know I am not perfect, but I never tried to control her life. I am not sure why I am even posting this here. I lightly slapped my ex girlfriend and now I think I should not be here",Suicidal +24612,Is there any type of suicide methods that will end you in the deathbed? Such that you can say what you want to say to the friends/families before your last breath. Different approach to suicide,Suicidal +11387,I have terminal cancer. I do not know how long I have left to live but every day I just feel like I want to end it. I hate watching my husband suffer as he cares for me. I hate my young children seeing me go through so much pain. I feel so depressed all the time and am exhausted from fighting. Suicidal thoughts with terminal cancer,Suicidal +12648,"For the last few months I have been feeling less and less powerful emotions. I do not feel genuine. Every time I talk to someone else, it feels like an act. I just go with the flow of the schedule my mother made for me. Wake up, take the dog for a walk, sit down to study, eat, go out for a jog, study more and sleep. I used to play some games and cube but I do not find any joy in those things anymore.And now for the last couple of weeks I feel like I spend every moment of my conscious day about falling off a building. I go through the day on autopilot with the thought of the wind rushing all over my body in the foreground of my thoughts.I had a girlfriend and a few friends before I started losing interest in interacting with others as it felt taxing and just boring. Slowly my interactions with them stopped.I do not even feel horny anymore, jacking off feels like just another task to do in the morning. I used to find people attractive but now everyone looks the same. I still try to act like a nice person when online because I thought that the whole happiness multiplies by sharing it had some weight to it but it does nothing for me.I have this empty feeling in my gut all the time. I try to ignore it by studying the whole day but it just does not stop.My father fucking hates me now after I told him about this, my mother is acting like I never told her about this.I tried to make myself happy by taking a couple of days to just do the things that made me happy but they feel like chores I imposed on myself.I just fucking hate that I spend every day thinking about falling but do not have the guts to really do it. I always feel at the verge of crying but can never cry. I feel like I am not a person any more.",Suicidal +8615,"it is been years I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, Ocd and what not but everytime I have some big fight with my parents i feel its the breaking point and I am surely going to attempt to kill myself again. They have issue with everything I do, how I behave, how I look. I try my best but in their eyes I am nothing but a disappointment and failure which should not have existed in the first place. Yes they have said it to my face especially my mom. She is dealing with her own health issues because of which she tends to breakdown as well but there is a limit to talking shit about your kid. I never mentioned any of my relationships to my mother but she was very open about it so I mentioned about the girl I like now and she straight up demotivated me to the ground by saying I am not good enough for her, I am unattractive and what not, and honestly at this point if someone hands me a cyanide pill I would happily take it and end it once for all. I already hate myself and her talking shit to me just makes it worse more and more because I loved her the most in the entire world. Just because I am not capable of showing or expressing it does not mean I take her for granted. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up or OD on some sleeping pills and painkillers I hate myself and everyone around me",Suicidal +22620,"My depression keeps getting worse and worse, I am not able to muster up hope for much of anything anymore. I have spent years sticking through a living situation that has done nothing but amplify both my anxiety and depression. I recently moved, and was promised things would be better, the source of my stress moved with us. Somehow this time it is even harder to cope with, louder. I am just so fucking spent. Before I had no timeframe for when we would leave that horrible situation, and now at this new place, it feels like the timer has been reset. That I once again have no idea when we can finally live on our own, without constant bombardment. The easy answer is I should move out alone, but I would lose living with my SO, the one person I can fully feel comfortable with. The only person I have ever wanted to build a life with. They keep telling me to be patient, it will get better, but I have already dealt with this while at the end of my rope for years. I am stuck between two insanely hard decisions, sitting here miserable, hoping for the best, even when things only seem to be getting worse. Do I remove myself from the situation, and risk setting my relationship back several steps while being lonely all the time? Trying to decide what to do just sends me off into these horrible sad spells where all I can do is focus on is sleeping forever, maybe I will finally feel happy and be able to rest. I cannot stop thinking about death",Suicidal +24186,"I am just so tired of it. Everything I loved and knew is gone and I cannot handle it. I am stuck somewhere I absolutely hate right now. I just want to disappear, but in the words of my ex husband, I do not have the balls to Jill myself.Instead I just wish I could leave and disappear and I do not know. I am tempted to just take off in my car and never come back. I am tired of life and want to disappear",Suicidal +12244,my dad is ashamed that I am about to be 21 and I am still a virgin. hes not the only one though. most of my family thinks that I am gay because I have never had a girlfriend before. its gotten to the point where my dad has told me that he will pay a girl just to have sex with me because he cannot bare the thought of having a virgin son. this does not help the fact that i already do not have the best self esteem and i have not accomplished anything meaningful in my life. i wish i could just disappear forever. what do i do?,Suicidal +17065,"I was sitting in my chair when I felt a sudden urge to release my flatulence, I then proceeded to do so, it was then suddenly followed by an extreme amount of projectile diarrhea. Ever since then, I have never been the same mentally, nor physically, because it destroyed my colon. I have been prescribed Zoloft, but it does not help with my depression caused by this situation. I think I am going to do it tonight...",Suicidal +23918,Approximately a month from now. I do not care if it gets better. I just want to end it. I thought id just slit my wrists and quietly bleed to death while I am tired in my bed. Is there any other easier ways ? Planning on taking my life for my birthday,Suicidal +37431,RT @juliareyes004: @Ryankingry You or the picture?! Cus damn both be looking so good! 😂🤩,Suicidal +13361,"I am ugly, I am a failure, I am lonely, and I am never going to amount to anything in life. I do not have any passions anymore and no matter what I do I end up with the same thought process, which makes it blatantly obvious I was never meant to born, thus meaning I am a mistake that needs to be corrected. I am going to find a way to get a gun, drive out to the middle of bumfuck nowhere and blow my brains out. I have put up with all of life's bullshit for 20 years too long, it is time I put an end to this twisted game once and for all. But for those of you who will say I am not a mistake and/or that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary prpblem? you are fucking wrong, I am a mistake and these thoughts will continue to plague me for as long as I live, thus is a permanent problem I will have that requires such a drastic solution, plus it will save me from any other bullshit life would have had in store for me anyways.Goodbye. I want to end it all",Suicidal +22480,"I see these people portrayed on the silver screen, die. Die when they want nothing more than to live. I see that and wish to myself it could be me who does instead. I imagine all the fears and worries I would never have to face again. All the monotony, boredom, pain, suffering, all of it gone. Return to the dark, the void, nothingness. Home. The good things in life are a pittance to pay to escape the horrors of life. The humiliation that accompanies it. If only a quick death was so forthcoming in the real world. it is somewhat odd how I simultaneously see the deaths of others as a tragedy and my own as a freedom, as an escape from punishment. Whenever I watch movies I wish I could take the place of characters who die",Suicidal +19745,"I cannot do it anymore. My mom died of drug addiction and my grandmother is controlling and I have not felt like myself in 6 years. I have not felt happy in 10 years. I do not have a job and cannot get one because my mom will not let me leave and nobody is hiring in walking distance. I am constantly in pain and I need help, but cannot get it. I am killing myself tonight because I cannot escape. I am almost 19 and I hate myself and I hate the people around me. I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +8742,"I am alone and no one is trying to help. Its my fault for not doing enough to reach out, but it just sucks. Every week I think wow, this is the worst I think I have ever felt. Everything stays exactly the same it just gets worse and harder to deal with. I am suffocating and I cannot picture a future where I have my shit together enough to ever even come close to being happy. I am pathetic and will never grow up in the way I should. Shit just sucks man Just done with it all",Suicidal +25897,I do not even want to go home anymore nothing is going to help me. I have no one anymore. Opening up was a big mistake. It has not helped me one bit. I try everything to get help and nothing changes. Starting to believe I am the problem. Sitting in a parking lot I should just do it now,Suicidal +36786,That skill takes time and iq. As a center he could run other bigs off the floor and force other teams to go small a… https://t.co/i0I3FKsgBt,Suicidal +13836,I get extremely angry almost everyday and think about leaving suicide notes all over Lake Stevens threatening to kill myself in the middle of the grocery store if society does not quit being against me and blaming me for everything and saying it is my fault. A revolution will be started by me killing myself. Extremely angry,Suicidal +9159,i have no reason to live. at 19 I have seen everyone look at me as if I am not good enough or worthy enough of attention starting with my father and ending with my last relationship that i just got dumped and its been hard. i just want to find an easy and painless way because i have no fight in me anymore. everything has no meaning I am never enough no matter what i change in myself. any suggestions? P.S i do not want a do not do it i officially give up i truly do and i have nothing to live for anymore. How to kms,Suicidal +26536,I cannot stop hearing them and I can seem to find that voice that tells me to stop How concerning is repetitive suicidal thoughts??,Suicidal +7194,"For the last two years I have struggled with hardcore depression, which was only made worse because I feel like my life has been pretty great so why do I feel so bad. Everyone else I know has been through so much and I think they look down on me for it. I dropped out of college during my first year because of it. Two months ago now me and my best friend of 9 years stopped talking for good, and while our relationship was toxic looking back I just feel worthless. I am going back to school this semester, I have been getting into old hobbies, I have a dog which probably saved my life multiple times, and my family is pretty great. But I have no friends whatsoever. I have pushed everyone away or everyone is left me, I feel like I waste my days online and I just do not know what to do. I want to make friends so badly when I go back but she will be there and everyone else who has walked out on me. I am not medicated though I have been but I do not feel like awful as I have a few months ago. But I do feel a void. I do not ever hang out with anyone and I am just lonely. I do not feel like I have anyone to do anything with, and its been making me a nervous wreck. This is mostly just a vent post but does anyone have any tips on how to make friends in college or resocialzing after being depressed for so long? Thanks How to make life worth living?",Suicidal +24939,"its been like this for some years my apathy towards my own life just keeps increasing overtime if i was left to my own devices i woudlnt mind starving to death. i just graduated from highschool and i honestly hate the work mentality of turn your brain off for 30 years and then you can start living again. if my parents told me to off myself i would i hate being a bother to anyone but i also do not particularly care for other people, I deeply hate unecessary stuff so going to work just to live another day in which you will work again seems so fucking pointless without a clear goal. I have tried to find things i like and stuff to keep me interested but its all temporary soon enough i forget about it and ill just start thinking about suicide. I am too lazy too keep on living at this point I am basically being kept alive. I just do not care about anything and i do not have anything to look forward to. I do not have a goal nor a reason to keep on living. i do not really want to kill myself but i would not care if i died either i would actually be happy.",Suicidal +12529,Thoughts? Thinking of killing myself at a shooting range,Suicidal +23938,"I have been depressed, with suicidal ideation, since I was 11. I am currently at the worst I have ever been. I think, at this point, killing myself is inevitable. My daughter is nearly 2. I honestly feel like the best thing to do in this situation is to just get it over with now, so that she does not remember me, rather than devastating her 2, 5, 10 years from now. It would also mean she would not suffer through having a heavily depressed mum. I should not have had her, but she was conceived on contraception, after I would gone 2 years without a depressive episode and while pregnant I felt like me and my partner were in a good enough place emotionally and financially to give her a good life. I now feel like I was a stupid fucking idiot. Need an outside perspective",Suicidal +16988,so I never felt this low ever I feel numb unmotivated unable to do anything that makes me happy I feel nauseous all the time and so sick today was supposed to be fun I am on vacation but of course everything went wrong for me everyone looks so happy like their life is just so fucking perfect I wish I was one of them my parents will not let me go anywhere or even cry I feel trapped they deny that depression exists and say that its just sadness and it will go away I have tried to tell them that I need help and I am not okey that I am depressed but ofc they just laugh at me. They make suicide jokes and think its funny. I do not want to die I just want to feel happy again like when I was little. Everyone tells me its going to be ok but when ? I just want a hug from someone telling me that its going to be ok and that I do not have to cry and that I am not alone. I try to keep motivated and tell myself that its going to be ok and that it will pass and to just do good stuff to forget it but it never goes away:(. why am i still here?,Suicidal +14738, I am thinking I want to cut deeper. I wish for death. I am a horrible person and i deserve this,Suicidal +27142,I have two physical chronic illnesses in addition to my mental illnesses and it all just fucking sucks. they are both invisible illnesses and no one ever understands Chronic illness fucking SUCKS,Suicidal +19378,"I did not think Id get this far. Ultimately did not kill myself last year, when it was honestly the most appropriate time to do so. I am not feeling any better; I have just postponed by own execution. Why did not I do something? Is this just going to be a never ending cycle where I say I am going to kill myself and I just never do? Is that just living with extra steps? I was always convinced Id be dead by 25. Now I am almost 26 and idk what to do anymore.",Suicidal +12774,"I do not know where else to post this. I really considered it a month or so ago, I almost did it, then I said fuck it and passed out drunk and went to work like it never happened.I guess I have been thinking like, life is meaningless, so why not embrace it? I hate the circumstances I have been born into, would not suicide be defeatist and playing the victim when I can reclaim every horrible thing I have been through and live through it and help others? Yet it still crosses my mind, and I find comfort the option exists. So idk what this means or if anyone could relate. I am just so confused",Suicidal +9268,"5 years left. If I do not find the woman of my dreams by age 30, I think I am going to end it.",Suicidal +19576,"nothing i do has any actual meaning. if try to do something, i will fail in the lobg run. I am just a husk of once was a bright, confident, ready-for-anything woman. now I am just a burden. i feel so fake to everyone. the promises i made to them have set impossible goals and standards for me. i am trapped. i feel so numb every day, and i do not even try anymore.",Suicidal +9247,I stabbed myself with a pen today because of two bigger pieces of shit narcissistic fuckers and dumbshits who decided to have sex twice because one child was not enough. I started a new job and I already hate because they forced me to apply. I can never do anything anymore. Parents are always fuckin right and the child is the slaveCan never ever be independent i FUCKING hate my parents,Suicidal +7373,"I left my job recently, where i found out my boss was seducing his teenage employees; a couple years ago I dropped out of college because I was having severe mental issues like depression, delusions, hearing shit in my head, bad relationships; had quite a few shitty jobs that treated me like shit; abandonment issues from friendships and family relationships through the years... idk it is all just coming forth in my mind all at onceI cannot get myself to see a therapist because I do not want to start another relationship with someone and try to dig into shit when I just want immediate solutions. I do not see a future for myself, everyone fucking hates me and gives nothing in return... I ask for help... nothing. And now my career is fucking ruined from my last job... I cannot even work in the same field, which is what I have been doing all my working life, otherwise I have meltdowns just thinking about itI'm even engaged, but I just feel like such a fucking burden.I think I am just ready. it is time to go. There are much better people out in the world that are more capable than me, I am just another one to stop the chain of depressed alcoholic addicts in the food chain. Good riddance I have never actually committed to the idea of actually following through, until earlier this week",Suicidal +23578,Goodbye guys. Love you I am sorry I was not enough,Suicidal +37448,if i am not happy by age 25 i think its best that i just die i am 19 years old i have had anxiety my entire life and depression since i was 12 and its gotten worse and worse over the years add misophonia to that and it makes life torture its especially bad now because i dont know what the fucki am doing in life the only reason i have to live is for my friends and family and because i am too scared to die which is ironic because i wish i was dead most of the time or at least i wish i had never been born but life is scary too anyway if things dont get better in the next 5 years then i fucking quit or maybe i ll pussy out like the pathetic piece of shit coward i am i dont know ,Suicidal +7705,Fuck this life. I think I am going to kill myself.,Suicidal +16254,Another day wasted in bed. I guess doing nothing is better than killing myself but I hate myself more and more everyday. I have no life. I wasted my 20s and will now be stuck as a loner in poverty the rest of my life waste,Suicidal +12409,I fucking hate it here. I want to go. But I do not want my boyfriend to be sad. I do not know. I wish I did this sooner.. Blechhhh,Suicidal +21674,"When I was a ""gifted"" child, I was promised the future. The future is a load of shit. A father I never met but resent nonetheless, a mother who inadvertently destroys every path I lay out for myself, an autistic brother who has essentially become my child to raise in my mother's place, and a world of financial, physical, and psychological burdens dropped on my shoulders due to actions on others' behalves when I was still playing with Polly Pocket. At the age of 22 I juggle between my body cracking and aching every morning I wake up, a head is riddled with gray hairs, the money I make not being mine to spend, the college education I have been working on being extended from 4 to 5 years worth of debt due to my family, and serving as the acting mother of a 48 year old woman and a 14 year old impaired child. I only had three friends I truly cared for, but even their names and any records I had of them were lost to time. I kept living so my family will not have to mourn me, but I no longer have any reason to care about their feelings as they have failed to care for mine. The only thing I cannot leave behind is my cat. I adopted her in the midst of a depressive spell 3 years ago, and she is the only one that is been a source of comfort at every time I needed her. She certainly does not understand how crucial a role she played in maintaining my sanity, but to pay her back I want to ensure she lives a long, happy life. She is expected to die in 8 years, at which point I will be 30, my student debt, medical, and living expenses--as well as my family's--will control my wallet, and my body will be further worse than wear for the age. Whatever happens in these 8 years, I do not care. Love, success, joy--it is worthless striving for them when all my life I have pushed beyond my limits to achieve them only to fall flat at every turn. All I want is to repay my debt to a sweet calico with white paws and a kind of ugly looking face, and end the fucking misery I will have on my back once I am done. I Die When My Cat Dies",Suicidal +15440,"Close to midnight rant. I have been strugling with intense feelings and thoughts of despair, hopelesness, hatred, bla bla bla... the good stuff. But I have also had a lot of time to reflect on life, on personal desires, on the state of the world and the kind of people that we ""should"" be.I think we can all agree that current societal norms and stereotypes put a lot of stress on everybody, and they expect to make us less empathetic, be it to friends, peers, the working class, your competition. You have to be a shark, the lone wolf, a champion. Empathy is, I am going to, the key to knowledge about all human-related stuff. If we loose empathy, we loose our connection to humanity.I read your posts: ""nobody listens to me"", ""i do not know who to talk to"", ""fuck this"". Its inmensely relatable and they bear a pattern: a lot of people seek answers in others. Advice, love, a bit of empathy. While these are essential elements in the daily lives of humans, i believe they cannot solve, maybe not even individually begin the process of healing we need. In my experience, advice from my family is quite nice to have, but it becomes meaningless in a matter of hours. Love? It feels fake, not earned, like a convenient lie to ignore the abyss. If stuff like this works for you, that is fantastic! Make it worth your while! But perhaps it is not your case; it just wears out, it does not make you feel better. We need something more personal.there is something in each and every human that is fundamentally unique, confused and disturbed. And like moths we desperately seek some light to find out what is so complicated to understand and appreciate about ourselves. I have felt an inmense fear of never feeling truly comprehended, of not seeing myself completely in another persons eyes, of being more than myself. But such uniqueness cannot be decoded by others. That may be the only place where empathy will never exist, and that is... well, fine. We will never find the answer to what we must do or want solely trough foreign experiences and advice, we must partially rely on what makes us US, memories and fantasies, past and future. Experience. To comprehend and coexist with life, we have to participate in it.Of course, a lot of us hate the mere idea of self improvement or ""soul searching"". After all, we tell ourselves all the time that we are not worth such hassle. And perhaps its also not worth doing it for others. But from where do we take this idea of needing worth or some kind of permission to just think? Should that matter? Why not just say ""fuck it"" in the sense of not caring about what we think of ourselves, because almost nobody really cares? And the few that do already have our backs, either we like it or not!I am not telling you that you should just stop caring about everything, or stop being a coward about introspection, or go cry a river to someone expecting to find ""the answer"". After all, i started this talking about empathy. Hell you can counter-rant me all you want, if it just makes you feel a bit more relaxed. I do not know, i had a weird day and tomorrow i must hand over a lot of work. Just breathe, almost nobody cares, the few that do care will help you if they can, and in the end you just do not know what could happen. What if. I like uncertainty (altough i have terrible luck at UNO haha). Good night, get some rest. We are alone, and that is ok. Rant for the lost ones.",Suicidal +26898,"I posted here asking for help, because i had no one i felt comfortable to share with. People here helped me and stopped me from suicide. After i kept going, it was full of bad experiences. But after right medication i feel better. I found good friends who really understand me and I am working to get better. I am at way better place now. If i have not done that then, i might have never been improved and been at a place i could not hope for. Thank you so much. A thank you post for everyone supporting here",Suicidal +10460,"I attempted again this weekend and i think my best friend is kind of mad at me for it, so i do not think he cares if i just end the friendship. I am still planning to die soon and i do not want him to hurt anymore. Ending friendship just because i do not want them to hurt when i die by suicide",Suicidal +23722,So for the past several weeks I lived with a man who had several girls in the same situation as me life with him and everything was paid for just in exchange for full access to my body. I told him no and he locked me into a room with no bathroom or food for an entire day. I left this morning but now I have no idea where to go. I guess I will go to a women's shelter but then what? what is the point here? What am I supposed to do with anything? I have no idea what to do. I have no friends or family and no money or anything. I am in a Starbucks just doing nothing right now,Suicidal +14071,Hey I have been thinking about everything I come into a conclusion of killing myself most likely the worst way to dying. I have decided to take excerdine extra strength I know it is a slow Death but for some reason I want to do it. I am not happy.I am 19 I am not a kid anymore who wants to dieI'm not a teenager anymore who tried suicide I am an adult who is going to overdose for the 3 time this yearTo be honest I am a bit nervous because it is something I know I will gain regardless of what others do around me.But I am afraid I change my mind to soon or to fastAnd I will not be able to stop the process but you know whatThis is what I wanted for years maybe I wanted to Die forever be at peace. I hate myself and I do not love myself but I do not want to hurt others what if I actually become a ghost and see everyone around me cry and I will not be able to say anything but then again I always knew the pain it will bring but the state of slowly dying is wierd to me but it is okay. it is a goodbye letter to this world,Suicidal +8136,26 and I lost my best friend of 15 years. He was the only person I thought cared about me. My ex cheated on me with him and he chose her. She was my first real girlfriend and I put so much into her. Now I have to think about how they are having a wonderful time together and I am completely alone. No one will care when I am gone. I have zero impact on any of the lives I am a part of. Everyone just tolerates me until a replacement shows up. No one will care when I am gone,Suicidal +26882,Hey everyone hope you are all okayI've been to many therapist over the years and I have realised its not working for me. I do not really get anything out of it that I do not already know and I just feel like I am paying someone to have idle chatter with. This has been the case for all my therapists.Is there something I can do? Maybe keep trying until I find one that actually feels worthwhile or should I maybe just stop all together?Thanks for reading Question about therapy,Suicidal +16010,"It will not ever get better, will it? I can honestly say that I would rather be dead than keep dealing with the same awful people, in the same terrible place, every single day.",Suicidal +9793,"I seriously do not know what I am supposed to do. I post EVERYWHERE. Freaking everywhere I can think of and I am met with silence. I ask for help it does not matter where and I get nothing. I try night after night and I get nothing. Every place I know where to go to for support. I got to friends just asking for friends to talk and all I hear is ""I want to talk."" Nothing fucking more!!I press and and I hear ""I am trying!!"" NO. &#x200B;I am so alone I do not know how I can continue and it does not matter what I do. What I try I am not not. Not for a single second!! I beg for people and they leave. Never matters what happens it is the same. Screaming into a Void",Suicidal +16329,I am going to self harm again fuck fuck fuck i do not want to do this anymore every fucking day Freaking the fuck out!,Suicidal +8670,Nobody I know wants to truly die. I mean one of my friends yes. But she has an eating disorder and honestly dors nothing but work and go to school not even dress cute or do anything fun at all. But even she can manage to survive without abusing substances. Why me? Everyone always says its you its you. Yes maybe its me but do you think if I start a new hobby like working out that I absolutely despise its going to be better? No. Why is it only me,Suicidal +18459,"Its just a bunch of constant bullshit. A bunch of Stress, anxiety, depression, and then you die in pain. I am starting to wonder what the point of living is? I hate everything and everyone, get me off this fucking this planet already. Fuck life",Suicidal +21436,"I work a shitty low wage job, no drivers license and still live with my parents. I feel so hopeless everyday. I get barely any pleasure from doing things I used to love such as playing video games or listening to music. I just do it to pass the time. I am going to kill myself one day, I cannot do this for another 60 years Life is unbearable.",Suicidal +7517,"How people have treated me about my lack of attractiveness, feeling undatable like the only way I will get to be with someone is if I date someone mentally unstable or disabled. Like that is what my worth is. It makes me suicidal. It makes me feel like my worth is down to who others think I should be with. People do not know what it feels like to be so agonisingly alone constantly day in and out ruthlessly. But then as soon as I spend time with people I cannot wait to be alone.I just want this fucking bullshit to end Is it worth killing myself because I truly believe Ill never find love?",Suicidal +22808,"This week, I feel light as fuck. Less worries. More enthusiasm. I was able to shift my thinking and step away from the dark side. I am thinking that I can off myself but the world will still go round and round, it will move on. And Ill just be a memory..until forgotten. So I might just enjoy what life has to offer! I refuse to let depression win this time. I am grateful mine is not severe. I am just so thankful that I did not do it. I am happy to be here. This week, something happened to me",Suicidal +22983,"I am really upset today. Life is too much for me, its like there is no meaning at all to life. I do not work, I do not really have hobbies, I barley have friends, I seem kind of entitled sometimes with my family and I am tired of myself and this world. I do not see why its a problem for me to die. I understand it will emotionally hurt people but I am emotionally hurting everyday because of mental illness and I am tired of it. I just do not see the point. No point",Suicidal +7184,"I am going to be 24 soon, and I still have never had a job or been to university, I am a kissless virgin and have not even had a friend in 3 years. I have been trying to get therapy since March but it is just not happening. I just want this to be over. I cannot take this anymore",Suicidal +26110,I am sad anyone want play games? Hi,Suicidal +22743,"I saw other people were showing theirs, so I wanted to as well.If you are reading this, then I am sorry, or not, I am not really sure if I should be. Chances are I will not be alive when you read this. Which is good for me, because I will not have to deal with you asking me about it. This whole situation should not be shocking, it is been a long time coming. You know that I have been depressed and suicidal before, but I do not think you know how truly awful being alive is for me. I did my best to try and be happy, I did my best to try and distract myself. But being constantly angry, and anxious, and sad and depressed, is fucking awful. And the worst part is that everyone thinks it can be cured, or that it just goes away when they are tired of hearing about it. I have to live with this shit for the next what, 40-50 years. Yeah, no thanks, I would rather cut my losses and leave. And do not start with the,"" Oh but there is so much to live for!"" WHAT. Tell me EXACTLY what there is to live for. Getting a girlfriend? A nice house? Kids? Fuck off. The last thing I want is for more people to suffer. Suicide note",Suicidal +24985,"I drank a disgusting amount. I know I am not going to die. It feels horrible, but mostly because it is mouthwash I drsnom. I am going to hate tooroww and I keep thinking she is going to do it someday. She might find this and thill so fu m. I wonder if no. And sad will find this abbdb see you I was trinoe . Imm not. In fresh m. So fresh see Today was the closest. I looked a lot at the train tracks.",Suicidal +8800,"I just cannot deal with life tbh I just have no reason, it does not matter what I do, I am always a failure l, I mean fuck I cannot even kill myself. I tried suicide tonight.",Suicidal +37526,RT @ruinpeach: everyone’s fighting about this but will is dead and wessa’s kids are dead and jem’s going to die one day along with jessa’s…,Suicidal +20439,they bought you into this world and then you suddenly get sick of it. and they do not let you kill yourself. what kind of an asshole move is that?why do you want me to suffer just for your well being and your pleasure? what the fuck is wrong with you? families are really selfish,Suicidal +12772,I am doing it. Who fucking cares anymore. Everyday I lie saying its getting better its getting better. When its not. I do not care anymore. I do not want a future. I do not want to wake up anymore. I want to be a statistic not a person. Fuck it.,Suicidal +10105,"I hate when like you tell someone your struggling with suicidal thoughts, or tell someone your cutting or something like that and their immediate reaction is like ""oh my god please you need to get help you need to go to a doctor or a therapist and get help"" i know there just trying to help but when someone says that i do not want to talk to them it makes you feel awkard and that something is wrong with me.Or like if your asking like the safest places to cut and someone is like "" please do not cut your going to get through this this is not the answer its going to get better"" like yeah i know that but if someone is going to cut they should know how to do it 'safely' or at least as safe as possible. i hate this",Suicidal +10900,Does anyone else here see the beauty of dying young? Or is that just me? Dying young,Suicidal +12865,I just took 26 pills and I know that is not a lot. Which is why I drank some alcohol with them. I am just so fucking tired and I am shaking so bad rn. I do not fucking want to recover and nobody can save me because I do not want to be saved. Hopefully I am dead after this attempt. Just took some pills.,Suicidal +24666,"I am hanging by a thread. after losing my entire self in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years, sexually and emotionally. being raped at 17. my parents abandoning me and divorcing at 15, leaving me to pick up the pieces as a child. I have never had one of these traumas handled, I have never talked to anyone, been put on med after med,. i finally have a therapist, we have seen each other three times, but i just feel the same. a depth of despair that I would never with on any single soul. i feel numb, i do not feel like i inhabit my body and I am just watching myself completely fall apart. I am addicted to weed and alcohol- its the only thing that hellps me cover up the devastation. i tremble all day, i want to crawl out of my body. I am 30 years old and feel like I bring nothing to this world, that I am a waste of space and that my family would be so much better if I did not bring down their lives with my problems. it is always something wrong with me and I am exhausted. breaking",Suicidal +15271,I have chronic eczema all over my body it hurts most days and gets in the way of my life and has done for over 20 years I am 24 and have 2 kids and a wife but even so I cannot help but think about wanting to die... My skin has broken my mind I feel I can never be normal and I have had enough fighting the chronic skin condition it leaves suicidal thoughts in my mind most days behind the skin conditions I am generally happy and living life but I hate living with my skin flare ups it hurts and makes doing daily stuff so hard I feel disgusting and sore 99% of my life and it takes its toll mentally... I am mostly looking to support maybe people who have felt the same and have over come eczema or have had it and its healed and gone away... Cuz from how I see it it never ends and just gets worse as I age making me want to die more and more... I am scared for my wife and kids they deserve to have me happy and there for there lives Looking for people for support others with shared experiences,Suicidal +23205,ha i really want to die I am so tired. so long birthday,Suicidal +10447,Sorry the title pretty much says it all. I finally fell asleep at about 1am because I was absolutely exhausted but I had this really morbid nightmare and woke up at 2:50. It was graphic as hell and really disturbing -- I was too scared to fall asleep again so now I am shattered. The worst part was waking up in a cold sweat and desperately longing for my ex. I just wanted to cling to them and sob. I was terrified and they are the first place my mind went to. I do not think they will ever understand how much they meant to me and how willing I was to stick around when things got hard. I just wanted them. I think this might have pushed me a little further so. Idk if I am going to survive the week at this rate. I do not see a point in living. Really disturbing nightmare,Suicidal +21773,"I am sorry but I am not ok, and I have not been for a long time if I am not on by Tuesday... you know what happened to me. I am done",Suicidal +20522,"tw self harm, blood, gaslighting (???)But it feels like the only option I have. I cannot live in this abusive household anymore, my mom has outrageous BPD symptoms and she remains undiagnosed, I am so fucking upset with how she treats me, I tried talking to her as calmly as i could about going to the carnival with my cousin (whose family she despises because my dad convinced her all of the outside family is bad and they are going to judge their toxic relationship) and because i do not want her to get mad, i tried being the nicest i could, but she had to blame me for everything bad that happened to my two younger brothers when we both had no idea it would happen when we came back here from the womens shelter and I am just so fucking mad she is allowed to say ""oh i do not remember that happening"" ""your dad never hit me"" ""i do not remember you saying this"" ""you are makimg stuff up again""then when j start crying because it feels like my mum beyrayed me, and i start sobbing between words and shaking, and talking louder because she is talking over me, she says she will call the cops on me and say I am psycho and i fuckingn godsddddddd whyyy whyyeu there was a time she was nicer but now that I am 15 she treats me as an adult I have literally self harmed so MUCH in the past few days on my one arm because of her, and after that fight i came upstairs and did it about almost 15 more times because i was crying that hard, she does not know i do iti have a therapjst and i teied calling her but she did not pick up, and my arms sting but I am not going to die, i just cannot believe my mum is a fucking assholei want to tell my therapist evertthing about the abuse but if i do my brothers will get taken away and I am so scared i domt want them getting more abused in a foster Home i just want my family back to normali want to be admitted into the psych ward because I am scared ill hurt myself worse and cut deeper, but I am scared ill be hit or beaten by my dad if he finds out i cuteverytime I have tried telling him i wanted to kill myself he would tell me to stop talking about it, and that I am being a coward and everyone in this household is depressed, and I am not special, and I am sorry for making this long I am sorta crying inbetween words here, i need to get this off my chest, i domt know how to get better, i do not know if telling my rherapist i cut myself will get cps called, i do not know if telling her i want to activsly kill myself will also get cps called (I am I am canada), i domt even know if i should do it i fjcking cannot stand both my parents and thw abuse and neglect and I am so fucking scared I am going to do it one day and they will pretend it never happened, i wanma do it to show how awful theyvw treated me but they wknt care if i dieim going to clean the blood off my arm right now but I am still terrified and crying, meanwhile she is pretending thw whole argumwnt we just had, mever happened, and she is making lunch for evrry one but me, and dads at work so idk I dom't want to do it",Suicidal +12707,Long distance relationship seemed like an okay idea. I did not mind I still do not. Even tho she was all the way on the other side of the planet I loved her ... I still do. She was she last thing keeping me here really... I am good for nothing I only hurt people I hurt my family so they hate me. I confused her head so much she did not know how to feel anymore and it is all because I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do not have anything I am good at any skills anything I am proud of and that makes me feel depressed and suicidal. I am insane at this point I just want to die. She unfriended me on snap and such saying that she needs time and that she will be back but i do not want to hurt her like that anymore so I said my goodbye if she will ever read it idk. I hopefully will die before she reads it anyways. I do not want to die I want to be with her and have a family and just live a good life but I cannot. My mentality will not let me be happy and fine. I will keep hurting her by saying that I am depressed and that she should not be with me. I want her to be happy that is all. I do not want anything else in this world. I gave up on myself. I just want something or someone to kill me because I cannot do it myself. I was a shit boyfriend. And a shit human. I am sorry 9 I do not have anything anymore.,Suicidal +15225,I have a college student and have been struggling with depression since highschool. I have tried calling helplines and talking to friends and family but it does not seem to work. What should I include in my suicide note if I go through with it? Hope to give some closure to those close to me. Thank you. What should I include in my suicide note?,Suicidal +11800,"hate them all, parents do not give af, had me later in life, and were not bothered to put effort into raising me. I do all the housework because my dad is on oxygen so I get all the blame, all my older siblings moved out and only an older sibling is left and I hate him so much, he is a fucking dick. I just want to be free I am in community college have all A's but I do not feel like I am appreciative or even noticed here. I just want to be happy again I Hate My Family And Where I am At In Life",Suicidal +17586,"I live in a small 3rd world country, to get by during covid, i had to get a credit card and take on some debt. I lost my job and am slowly selling everything important to me to get by. I had a huge dental issue with an infection that sunk me I am on meds/sris that are so difficult to get off so i must by them. I have a beautiful kitty that i need to feed and you know how expensive the rest of life is. I do not have much left and cannot ever see myself getting out of this hole. Two steps back and really struggling to be confident this loop will ever end. I am not going to spread my wounds out in competitive display but i am struggling with the terror. Debt",Suicidal +25977,"I am not even sure i can make it to fall at the rate I am going . Everything feels unbearable again . I am right back at the point l was years ago and now somehow its even worse . I feel so close to edge and I am about ready to jump off . Tonight is again a bad one and all l can think of is "" l do not want to be here anymore "" I will not make it to winter at this rate",Suicidal +36353,"RT @rcromwell4: If people don't want you dead, can you even claim to really be alive?",Suicidal +10940,"I could write alot but I will keep this short and sweet. I have come out and I am a transitioning mtf, but It will never be enough for me. Even if I end up passing (which I doubt) I cannot cope with the fact I will never be a real girl. I missed out on my childhood and I am going to miss out on my entire adult life too. I will never be a daughter, a sister, a wife, or a mother. I will never have an authentic experience as a woman and I will never be happy because of it. The grief and the hurt is just so overwhelming and I just want to end my life. what is the point? I do not want this life",Suicidal +23188,"Twice in a row I have not been able to make my fianc cum during sex. It seems like 25-50% of the time I cannot make him cum because I get too wet. He swears he does not need to cum during sex to enjoy it and showers me with love, but I do not believe him and I am afraid he is going to cheat on me or leave me because I apparently suck at sex. I do not even enjoy sex anymore, it gives me anxiety. I am a worthless human being and I should just put myself 6 feet under. I have plenty of tylenol and naproxen to overdose on, maybe I will do that. Any suggestions? I cannot please my fianc, I might as well kill myself",Suicidal +25748,"I am so hopelessly sad. I feel like I am withering away and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am trying everything. Seeing the doctors, taking the medicines, talking to the therapists, etc. No one can help me and I cannot help myself. I do not know what to do.I do not know how to move forward from trauma. I do not know how to cope with the fact that things happened to me that I did not consent to. I do not know how to live an even semi-normal life when I am haunted by these things while I am awake and while I am asleep.I do not know how to get rid of the loneliness when making friends has been repeatedly unsuccessful and being a good partner to anyone is out of the question. I do not know who I am anymore. Everything feels so dark and all of my senses are muted. Those brief moments of happy are becoming fewer and further between and I am breaking.I just do not know and I am so scared of everything, including myself. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +37162,I’m a waste of space and I deserve to die.,Suicidal +9990,I am asking suicidal people. How do i prepare myself for suicide?,Suicidal +22350,"Is it really meant for anyone? Anyone but the richest of the rich or those who have control over people? If you have enough control you can convince anyone of anything, you can make them question their reality and their life, who they are and their own morals. Honestly I think part of me died in 2016. I always think about that year and how awful it was. Getting evicted with my mother, my ex friend dating someone twice her age and getting mad at me when I said that it was weird, memes turning from silly cats and animations to compilations of people getting made fun of for things they have no control over. Sure maybe some of that shit existed before then but man was that a fucked up year, and I have never felt personal peace since. I think it was the year my childhood got wrecked, I had to enter reality hard and fast and I have never been able to heal from it since. I do not think I belong in this world, I do not think its worth living in. Honestly once the internet became a necessity the world has taken a nose dive in my eyes. I wish we could live without it again. I wish we were not so dependent. I wish every word, action, and thought I put out was not recorded. I want to hide my past self and forget my trauma, I want to be a new person. But the idea of any info, any thing I said when I was young or anything I shared that was private can now be possibly shared with anyone. I feel like I am not worthy of this world. I am one of the scum that is selfish and needy, I can never live a normal life again, I cannot keep things in the past because everyone will always want to find out. I want to kill myself for the sake of the planet, one less body to deal with, one less worthless soul to hear beg for mercy. This might be the most annoying post I have ever made in the way that is like I am so smart way but man I truly am upset with how humanity functions, why cannot we live like dogs or something were we do not come up with stupid meaningless bullshit to attach worth too. This world is not meant for me",Suicidal +17320,"Its like there is something inside me that no matter how good things get, I want to destroy myself. Maybe its that I just do not trust myself. My band just signed a record deal. I am staying on a boat in the Mediterranean. I should be so happy, but all I want to do is jump in the ocean and keep swimming till I drown. What does it take for these thoughts to go away!!!!???",Suicidal +25022,"I am going through a pretty rough time. In the morning when I wake up I just feel a sort of dull sadness, and I am very listless as I go about the morning. Then midday hits and I am just completely down. No energy, nothing cheers me up. Then as the sun goes down I start getting that panicky sad where I feel like I am just going to burst into tears at any minute and want to just die. Its the same pattern every day and I cannot stand it. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel a certain kind of sad in the morning and a different kind as the day goes on, in the same pattern consistently every day?",Suicidal +37272,"@Elianasunshine7,Newfoundland, Canada,RT @animeesay: I want to say ill never be active again. Not quite sure, i dont have any reason to be on here anymore anyways bye everyone t…",Suicidal +10253,"i have not been talking much to anyone bcos I have been suicidal.. idk why i have not feel this suicidal in a long time. Infact i actually have a suicide plan. I am just really tired of being worthless and battling depression, anxiety, bpd and alcoholism. suicidal",Suicidal +17713,"So I always assumed having thoughts about this was normal. It is not?I think about ending my existence fairly often. Sometimes from a few times a day/week, other times there will be a month gap or so. I thought this was just something everyone deals with regularly.. Thoughts",Suicidal +7746,I had a belt tight around my neck twice last night and seemed really motivated to kill myself. I must have punched myself in the head 15 times last night. Thankfully I did not go through with it but it really feels like just a matter of time. My wife and I drink and smoke weed every night and during the day on weekends. Admittedly we are very functional addicts but mentally it is really taking a toll on me. I cannot seem to communicate with her about this though as she gets really upset when I bring up a desire to stop. We often go through stages where we fight all the time and then go long stretches where its all good. I hate myself so much for what I have become and yet I cannot seem to find the motivation to actually make a change for myself. Instead just wishing it changes on its own. Even killing myself I often wish it would just happen like getting hit by a car or something. How awful is that? I am so lazy and lately I cannot even look at myself in the mirror anymore. We have a beautiful daughter who is growing and developing incredibly well so far and I hate the idea of her not knowing her father. At the same time I hate to think of her knowing her parents as scum. Maybe if I kill myself it will shock my wife into cleaning up and then our daughter can thrive with a sober parent. At the same time maybe that is just me trying to rationalize a selfish act so I do not feel as bad. I keep wishing I was a better person and yet never taking any action. I am the only one that can make a change. It does not just happen but I am too lazy and pathetic to actually do anything. Someday it will happen and the thoughts will stop. I am just looking to get this off of my chest - please disregard,Suicidal +13372,"my mom is making me feel guilty for my lack of eating. i do not really think i have an eating disorder but i have struggled with body image before. if I am being honest the reason I am not eating is because I am so unmotivated and tired all the time i do not have the energy to get out of bed and make myself food, but i cannot tell her that because she dosent understand that depression does that to a person. she keeps telling me that i should eat because my family is getting concerned, and she is guilting me by saying they keep approaching her and asking her if i have an ED. shits sucks here. i hate it here",Suicidal +17422,"I have had two hanging attempts in the past month and I cannot have another failure, it is too embarrassing and the pain is too much. Just when I think I might be able to to on my mind and heart come crashing down. I suppose this is a goodbye? I was tired of living with trauma from my childhood, and I miss the love of my life. I guess all I can do is put it as straightforward as that because I have run out of energy.Goodbye world. I am sorry for any person I have hurt, intentionally or not.- Irene3:50am sat July 17 I feel like I have to end it tonight for good",Suicidal +17369,"my english is not that good, sorry but i hope you understand it anyway lolso uhm I am 19 and currently moved out and since then things got really really worse. I am in therapy since i was 16 because of different things. it began with social anxiety, later came an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, depression and alcohol addiction. when i had only my social anxiety things were okay but since i have my anxiety disorder everything is so fucking hard. i got diagnosed late 2019 and the first months it was ... okay. i could live with it. i had a lot of friends, was always outside and when things got bad i drank, and then was everything okay again. but late 2020 it suddenly got so fucking worse. i got diagnosed with depression. yeah ... at the beginning of this year i thought the first time about suicide. i was always drunk and lost all my friends. in march i went in a clinic for 6 weeks and wow i felt so good. i thought i could handle my anxiety and everything will be good again. and when i went back home everything got bad again. the circumstances were the same as before the clinic. i was raped mid 2020 by some friends, a video was sent around my city and everyone thought i was a slut. since then i could not go outside without feeling so worse and without getting a half panic attack. being in my city was so awful for me. and i felt the same way when i came back from the clinic. suddenly all things i learned ... were gone? i do not how to describe it. i hit rockbottom again. i was at home for 2 months - without friends to meet with - and did absolutely nothing. it was awful. i moved out 2 weeks ago and yes it got more awful lol. i wake up with anxiety, then i watch Netflix all day to not think about anything, i drink again, i cry a lot and a few days ago i cut myself for the first time. i cannot even go outside without having a panic attack. i have nothing to eat anymore and must go to the grocery store tomorrow and I am so fucking scared. some friends visited me last week (they live far away and i only see them once a year, so i did not mentioned them) and even then i felt anxiety when i was outside with them. i do not know what to do anymore. everything should be good! i moved away, can start a new life, my formation (uhm idk if this is the right word sorry lol; my new job) begins next month but i feel miserable and i think about killing myself so much. i think the only reason i do not want to do it is my family. i really really love them. my little brother ... the thought that my parents tell him i killed myself, oof. the life of my parents would be destroyed. i thought about talking about my thoughts with my mum but ... idk. what can she even do? i do not know what to do, I am so tired of trying, of living, i do not think anything will change. i do not want to live with my anxiety, i fucking cannot. that is not the life i want to live. always fighting and fighting ... fuck man actually i do not want to die, i know how beautiful life can be but i do not think it will ever be that way for me again. gosh i do not know what kind of answers i want (when i even get some lol). I am so sorry for this long - not really good written - text. thanks for reading <3 thinking about suicide",Suicidal +16915,"I am curious if there are people who went trough a similar experience. I also sometimes wonder if behind some of the our of blue self inflicted deaths stands a similar urge.I will be try to make it as tight as possible..I was in my mid twenties, married and traveling the eastern hemisphere with stops here and there while doing photography. Happy life, care free, lots of fun.One morning I woke in our small appart in Sidney, my husband has already left for some work (he was /is photographer as well).A quiet, fairly normal morning. I do not remember if I took a coffee first or went directly under the shower , but when showering I felt a monstrously strong, sudden and above all never felt before desire to grab the razor on the nearby sink and cut my veins. A bit of prehistory as I would like to give a bit more in depth of my previous life. Beautiful and calm childhood. Loving and understanding parents and sibling. Adventurous , but successful early adulthood. Working and enjoying the profession I have still till. A unpleasant encounter with an abusive boyfriend four or more years ago constitute the biggest crise i have ever been trough and while I do not underestimate subsequent PTSD , i had more then enough time and help time to get over it. I have never before have been depressed, suicidal. At the time the vent happened, I was in my usual good mood, with great energy and excitement for the future. Working on some really good images if I remember well..Till today I cannot figure out how that came.Standing under the shower and feeling like I am possessed. I fought hard. I knew it was not real. But God, it was wildly strong. I remember a strange, almost metal like taste in my mouth. I stopped the shower and went in front of the mirror and I started slapping my self. Strong. It took some minutes before the urge started to dissipate. After I felt stabilized , I dressed and went out, walked from the sunny street to a nearby shop and bought my first Snickers . For some reason I have never had one previously , not being a big one on peanuts. It tasted like heaven.The feeling gone I went to the lab where my husband was printing his work and told him the story , he was a bit shocked , but I do not think he got truly what happened. For quite a while I was afraid that the urge might hit me again. It never did. But it took years of self observation at the slightest reminder, taste or else. Now, I wonder if this urge had happened to me at more dark moment. Would I have had the strength to resist? Much later in life , when sharing that moment with very close friend, he told me a story. A friend of his, a middle aged woman was visiting a new apartment to buy and when entering in the salon she felt an insane desire to hang herself from the ceiling lustre(lampes). She was beyond herself with fear after that as it was so strong that she barely contained herself.Could that be an explanation of sudden suicides ? The ones in which a person is happy hours before taking his/her life?What was it? Why did it hit me? Why at that precise moment? Like a mental virus ,externalor encoded in our brain and psychics, biding its time..If anyone who has been trough similar experience and you feel like sharing, you are more then welcome. Thanks for reading Totally unexpected desire to kill my self with no warning. Had to fight it for 15mn before it went. It happen 22 years ago and never came back.",Suicidal +22339,"Everyone that exists has a 'chaos' level. Basically, to sum it up, it is the amount of chaos you are prone to in your life as a whole. The universe or something decides this when you are born and you have to learn to live with it. Neurotypicals, rich people, pretty people, etc, do they have struggles? Yes. Absolutely. But their struggles are completely separate from the type of chaos I am talking about. I am talking about the type of chaos exemplified by people like me- bad childhood, mental illness, bad genes, etc etc etc. Ultimately, I have learned to cope with it all as much as I possibly can. But I think for people like me, 'coping' will never be enough. There will never be a full month of my life where I am not severely suicidal for at least a week of it. I will never have true stability like other people do because there are just so many areas of my life that are in shambles. I cannot possibly change because of how *fundamental* these issues are when it comes to actually being able to be happy on a daily basis. And then people say I can change, completely ignoring the word 'fundamental'. it is all bullshit. Some people get lucky and then those same people try to convince us that we could be like them if only we just 'kept at it'-Well let me tell you something, those people: I am the most optimistic person I know. Even after I finish writing this, I will probably smoke a bowl and watch netflix and then pass out. Rest assured, the suffering begins anew tomorrow, but there is always and always has been a shred of optimism at my core preventing me from leaving this shitty world. Yet it is not enough to stop constant mood swings and the listless other problems I seem to face on a daily basis. I could 'look at it' another way, but then how long until my meds stop working again, or another psychiatrist leaves? I cannot do this. I will, but I cannot. Maybe some of you will find that hopeful. Personally, it is just another slap in the face. Being so terribly aware of how unfair life is and yet not being able to escape.I hope all of you browsing this subreddit find out you are actually one of the people with a manageable amount of natural chaos. But my eternal curse is constantly managing to convince myself that I am. I think I finally figured it out",Suicidal +11458,Anyone else ever get envious when they drive by a cemetery? I look at all those headstones and think dam I want one. Envy the dead,Suicidal +7623,"I like to think that I am a proactive person. I believe that if you have unexplored options, you do not have a right to complain. But this is the second time in my life where I feel like I have absolutely no options left. I tried so many ways to be happy and to survive in the past year and they all failed spectacularly or simply evaporated. The crazy thing is that it is not even my fault, I did everything I could. Its the pandemic, it is the economy, it is our slow-ass indecisive bureaucracies, it is everyone being sad at the exact same time.I am talking to a military recruiter soon because I feel like it is my only option left in order to have any level of economic security. But everything else failed, so what is keeping this from not working out too? I have already come really close to killing myself in the past month and a half. I do not want to feel trapped, I do not want to feel like I do not have any options just to simply live. When you feel trapped, you are always one step away. I do not want to be there. Feeling Trapped",Suicidal +8279,"i do not care about my studies. i do not care about my career. i do not care about money. i do not care about my happiness or sadness. i do not care about my hopes and dreams. i do not care about my wants or needs. i do not care about my family. i do not care about my past, present, future. i do not care if i live or die.i just do not care, man.do i just end it cus i know i never will? get it over with?do i keep going, hoping one day ill care about something? anything? whatever",Suicidal +9400,"I have never been happy by myself as an adult and I never will be able to fulfill any kind of relationship due to that. But life is about forming bonds and enjoyment of company and living amongst them. My self loathing overtakes any kind of love I have to give, and drains me of my emotions.I treat myself like shit and project it at other people; what a worthless and pointless cycle. I personally just want to sleep and not wake up, unburden those who are weighted down. Sadness",Suicidal +16053,"Idk if it is just me but all my life I felt like there was something wrong with me, like there is something missing or that there is like a error in my brain that keeps me in a very bad place all the time I try to be happy. there is an error in my brain",Suicidal +27292,"I cannot, I have had enough. I am so fucking tired, nothing's getting better. I have tried so hard, but I cannot do it anymore. it is too much, too exhausting. My last group of friends were right. I do not deserve to be alive.I have not felt real in so long; I have not felt like myself in longer, I- I just want to feel like I belong again.God, I would do anything for a hug right now. Why does living have to be so tiring? I cannot do this anymore.",Suicidal +11044,"i cannot do life anymore, everyone i know is doing amazing and so well, my friends leave me out of everything fun, and treat me like a child. my gf is only happy if I am giving everything i can give. nothing can keep me happy. i do not enjoy what i used to love. I am to afraid to runaway. and i think suicide so so so much, and it seems to be an option that i should take. as i do not think many people i know would really care anyway i cannot",Suicidal +17581,"I am 14 and I have had multiple attempts. My last attempt was like a month ago so I am scared to do it again bc it was pretty bad and painful. But I still want to die so so bad, but I am scared and it fucking sucks. I cannot even kill myself properly. tbh I should just jump of a building rn. And I tried talking to a therapist, but she did not want to help me anymore bc I do not talk. I did not even rlly know her yet. I fucking hate myself and I have anorexia so that sucks too.I tried talking to people but they just say the same fking thing over and over again I swear things will get better. or they just start talking about themselves. I just want someone to talk to.FUCK THISFUCK EVERYONE FUCK EVERYTHING thanks for listening have a great day :) I want to die so bad and idk what to do",Suicidal +14567,it is so hard Not interested in carrying on,Suicidal +13016,"I am coming close to the end. I want to scream and tell the whole world, but it would shatter the illusion everyone has of me. Id rather go, my intentions left a mystery. No one needs to know about the ugly shit going through my head. I am actually going to do it",Suicidal +14769,"I feel like there is no other solution. To all that shit I have been through, the trauma. I cannot get over anything. I cannot process what is happening to me and the memories are slowly piling up.I never realized how fucked up my life's been up until I started therapy. I quit 6 months later because it was too much to handle. It made me realize too much. I am filled with rage. My thoughts are killing me and I feel like my mind is decaying. I have tried everything and nothing seemed to help. I feel unfixable",Suicidal +22623,"So I woke up about 20min ago which would be around 6:40pm. This has been happening since around quarantine hit. Everyday is just another day for me to wonder wtf am I doing with my life my family thinks I am in college but I dropped out a long time ago. It feels like I am reaching the end. I do not tell my friends about this because I do not want them to think I am a loser and the one person I could tell I cut off from my life for some BS reason. I am unemployed just wasting my life away and I want it to end so badly but I do not want to be a burden on my family if I die. I am nothing I am worth nothing, all I amount to is a nicotine and a stoner. Help. I am so lost",Suicidal +20172,How can someone be so cruel I cannot do this,Suicidal +14361,I am freaking out and I really need someone to talk to. Idk how to get through this alone Panicking,Suicidal +24954,"Day 1:I do not have many friends so I am using this platform to communicate how I am feeling and maybe someone experiencing something similar does not feel alone. I am a 23-year-old adult, no job, in the fifth year of college, and has not graduated probably till 2022 and just tired of life. Sometimes I feel suicidal and want to rely on drugs, alcohol, or cut myself as a coping mechanism but I do not really want to harm myself. Neither do I end up doing any of those things because I know I will become addicted to them. I guess I want a specific part of me and my problems to banish for good and start a new like an axolotl. I never thought I would end up like this. I was a smart student with ambition in high school yet when I got out kind of lost it and do not know how to bring back my ambition and motivation. Thinking of seeking out a therapist and hopefully, I will feel better bc I am too young to be feeling like this. I do not want to be in my thirties with this type of thought bc I might just end it for real. This post probably will not help at all. It was just me ranting butty hey if you want to talk about your feelings go ahead and comment. Please do not comment on how my feelings are temporary and I will get it over it!!! lifffeee???????",Suicidal +7438,"I do not deserve this pain, i grew up with abuse, i do not deserve this suffering, i do not accept this suffering, i do not want TO F*CKNG COPE WITH THIS SUFFERING ANYMORE, I have HAD ENOUGH, I am GOING MENTAL BY HIDING THIS PAIN INSIDE OF ME, I HAVE TO F*CKING EXPRESS MYSELF, I cannot SIMPLY COPE, I do not ACCEPT IT CUZ I ACCEPTED IT FOR SO F*CKING LONG AND IT RUINED MY MENTAL HEALTH, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, THERE IS EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE ABUSE AND HATE I am RECEIVING FROM MY OWN FAMILY MEMBER, I did not CHOOSE TO SEE MY MOM GETTING ABUSED AND BEATEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I did not CHOOSE THE SAME THING FOR MYSELF, I did not CHOOSE TO BE BRAINWASHED AND MANIPULATED, I did not CHOOSE IT, I do not ACCEPT IT , I RATHER DIE WITH PEACE THAN TO SUFFER Thinking to kill myself today",Suicidal +10771,that is it unless something changes my mind in those coming days 3 days,Suicidal +20683,"I cannot anymore, it was the last straw. I lost all my files on my computer today. All of them, so many important stuff. A few days before buying a backup drive! I tried everything to recover the files but nothing worked. My life is nothing but failures, everything is fucking falling apart. I do not have the strength to bother with it anymore. there is no point. I just hang myself tonight and everyone will be happy. Everything seems to be against me. Like nothing works and every time I can only fail. No matter how hard I try, nothing works. I am a failure and the world hates me, nothing new",Suicidal +24243,"I am not super suicidal right now but I still am. I do not want to die I just sorta wish that I was not born so all the shit that is happened to me would not have to. I have no motivation for anything. I do not even have motivation to eat, like I go look for something to eat and then just immediately stop looking because I have no motivation to cook something or eat it. I just wish I was not born I wish I was not born",Suicidal +7197,"Its the internet who cares trigger warningMy father tried to kill my mother and me growing up, I was molested by my cousin and I am a virgin at 29 who cannot seem to connect with anybody anymore. All I do is wake up and work and sleep with anxiety and dread mixed all through out the day. Set up a tinder a month ago and out of the 5 matches 1 was willing to respond but every attempt at a virtual or physical meet up keeps getting delayed.I just need somebody to tell me there is hope and things get better because I am walking on floss right now and feel like I should dive off. I do not know how to motivate myself",Suicidal +10566,"I have no more motivation nor the energy to continue my degree. I have been doing jothing for months Idk what to do I am stuck.I didnothing for my exams i did not participate.I did not submit my courseworks, i failed. I wasted myparents money i am a waste of lifeNo one would undrdtand i told them I am struggling eith this. I have traumatised myself enough with counselling, i do not want to be reportedPart of me feels like i should have ended myself yesrs ago, the pain would not have been this badI have disappointed everyone in my life,I am privileged i shouldnot feel like this. I shouldntI do not want to live any longer. If i emded myself now it would not get any worse than thisAll i do is play games and get drunk. No one even knows its this badIm sorry for being born.I am so sorry, i did not even try I am sorry for not trying enoguh I am sorry for being like thos I am sorry I am at mybreaking point. i cannot see myself continuing i am exhausted People say it gets better it does not. All i feel is regret. I do not think someone like me can handle pain like wnyone else i am weak and i do not think i can handle this. It got better and then look a me now.mum might pester me again abt finding a partner, if i did it sgain i think id easily hv ended my Life i do not want to do it again, I am noT strong I m sorry for not trying, for being a burden.i hope everyone lives happily. I am sorry, I love you please take care No will to continue university",Suicidal +9590,I am about to Jump in front of the 1 train on 125th again If my shoulder dislocates 1 more fucking time this year,Suicidal +17421,"I feel like I am stuck In life, I just want to leave. Stuck in a small town.",Suicidal +9200,"I do not want to live as a man. I have realised I am trans 4 years ago. I am talking with a psychologist and we work on my depression, anxiety, adhd and from my suspicions we realised that I have borderline personality disorder. Every morning I am good or ok. I take my self out to socialize and every day seeing naturaly born woman makes me sad and it stacks until night time then I get fucked by my mental health and I want to die. I live just for my family and my future self BUT I cannot transition becouse I have to finish uni and have to get a job. EVEN THEN I HAVE TO EXPLAIN SHIT TO MY OLDER BROTHER BUT I cannot BECOUSE HIS LIFE IS ALREADY HARD. I just want this suffering to end and if I ever kill my self I am sorry future me and my family. I am sorry but I had to get this out of my chest. I do not want to do this anymore. I hope you guys and girls can be happy and find meaning in life. I want to get things off my chest",Suicidal +13366,"I am kind of broke but i do not really want to hang myself is there any other way that is like kind of painless hang myself, try to buy a gun, or something else?",Suicidal +26315,anyone know if i can rent a gun at a shooting range and kill myself that way?? wanted to do pistol in the mouth but now i might just go for shotgun to the head since getting a pistol license will probably take too long. want to be gone by next week shooting range,Suicidal +24958,"I am so insecure, its eating me alive, the days are dull, only thing keeping me here is my family that will miss me I think I am done",Suicidal +21699,"I feel like this is it. It will come when I have finally found peace with it. Ill clean my room, Ill get rid of everything I have written, made, burn all my art works, treat anyone I know with kindness, and kill myself. until then I am going to wait for something to make me angry enough to make it all happen I cannot make myself proud for once",Suicidal +22036,"I am miserable. I have been in depression for many years and I do not ever see myself getting back to ""normal life"". I am 21 and from france, I live on an depression aid for now, I hate the idea of work because there is nothing I see myself work in for a living, the idea of working just repels me (and I have been searching since very young a work I would like to do, but nothing). I have a psychiatrist, I am on medication and tried so many different medication (still tries new ones from times to times) but I am at a point I really see no end in my depression. I have the two things I wished I had for a long time, which is money (from the depression aid) and a cat (who I love, but she kind of hates me for some reason). I already did 2 suicide attempts in 2017 and I wish I succeeded. I hurt from depression, some unlhealed trauma I do not know how to heal, some wounds more deep I still do not know what it is from, I hate everything about my body, my life. I live at my parent's because I cannot really afford an appart just from my aid, and even if I did I would probably let myself die of hunger as it is really difficult to make or even just grab something to eat sometimes. I hate my mother, she is toxic, she made clear she wished she never had me. I do not really like doing anything anymore. Medication is not helping anymore. I considered talking to a psychologist in addition of my psychiatrist and have even an appointment for August but I am hopeless and deep down I do not believe anything is going to help... Anyways, I am tired... I am just thinking about ways of ending my life I have not tried... I have nothing to live for",Suicidal +22518,"Things have gotten so bad that now my body is trying to make me laugh instead of cry to relieve stress. My heart was killing me. Things keep getting worse. I was scared about my heart earlier, but maybe this is what I need. If my heart fails maybe my body needed that break and I should just let go. Maybe it is time to go",Suicidal +11264,and it feels like they are right. they are right. I am never going to be good enough. they are right. Men should die. Men are worthless. Men are trash. do not deserve rights. Men make womens lives worse. Men are bad people. and every other iteration of that sentiment. I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try. women hate men so much,Suicidal +37073,Damn I forgot that Spyro has a midnight release and I literally drove past GameStop I hate myself,Suicidal +19156,"I am turning 33 in few months. I have been jobless for years. I do not have any friends or social life. Had chronic disease since I was 4 and it only getting worse as I grow older. My health condition makes it harder for everyone around me. I thought about suicide at times but too coward of doing it. I do not know how long I could survived financially, but eventually I will have to do it. I am getting older....",Suicidal +7842,"This is not the past. This is the present, no, not the future nor the thing determining your success. Live in the present. No matter how tainted your past us or what deeds you done, remodel yourself, you do not have to grief over what you did before, please.No matter how bad your life is, there is still hope, just make the hope yourself. Life is falling to pieces? Make a new puzzle (life). Terrible things you have no control of like shitty parents? No matter how bad they are, you do not have to listen nor think what they say is right. No one loves you? Love yourself. God loves you as well. Believing in and loving God also definitely helps. If you think God just sits there watching me suffer doing nothing! Hes allowing you to suffer, to make you learn from failiures, just wait until what He has planned for you :D (Its Heaven!)Hate on me if you want to, if this saves one life, its worth it. for anyone who plans to end it, please read this",Suicidal +13135,"there is a voice in my head that I can hear constantly just repeating the phrase ""just kill yourself"" everyday constantly. I am I finally caving in? Or am I really destined to end my life so soonm My subconscious has been telling me to just kill myself constantly",Suicidal +17506,"I have been suicidal for most of my life so I have made my death into a little game. If I have to run errands and it gets dark before I get home? Then whoops got to jump in front of the train. As a flight attendant I stay in a lot of hotels there was one I stayed at where I found a perfect spot to kill myself, of I get a layover there again before my birthday I kill myself. It just spices things up a little Playing a little game with myself",Suicidal +12653,My boyfriend left me because I told my old friend about my situation of when I was touched as a kid. The thing is this friend is no longer in my life but when I told them I did not want to but they kept bugging me to explain and it all got to me because they were making details and it just all came back. I told my boyfriend this and he got mad at me because I did not tell him first but I wanted to tell him when I was ready to because its horrible to talk about. And he does not understand.. please help me. I just want him to know I trust him and that I did not want to tell my old friend and that its hard to even type it He left me because I did not tell him I was touched,Suicidal +22715,"Safe, Sane, Sober **Check**Good support network **Check**Roof over my head **Check**Full stomach **Check**Medication *Check**Hope for the future **Check**Sincerely, it just is not worth it. I have given every atom of my being into my therapy, my friends, myself, and my future. I do not know why I feel like this.I cannot keep this shit up. I have had an ego death. I understand pain. I have had my good days. I am practicing healthy coping skills. Everything is pointing towards me being ok. I am not.I do not want to live. I am done fighting, done pushing for a better tomorrow. Everything has turned to ash in my mouth. I cannot handle this burden anymore. I have put my heart and soul into living a better lifestyle.",Suicidal +21980,"There is still stuff I want to do. Travel to a few countries to see some friends, give away my gaming pc to a friend who needs it. Take my family members out on holiday, and then do all the things I was once scared of knowing I will take my life, so there is no longer a need to have fear.I am 26, and some on here might think I am young, but I feel very old. I feel I have ruined my life in my teenage hood and had to live the consequences up until now, I have run away from my problems for over 9 years, and now they have caught up to me. Every life decision I have made has turned me into a panicked, scared, lonely, failure of a man. I do not want to live like this, and after 8 years of therapy I have come to the conclusion I am unfixable. I guess tomorrow I will start to write a bucket list, and once they are all ticked off that is it. I have come to the conclusion I will kill myself in the future.",Suicidal +24013,"I want to die, but have children who depend on me. I daydream about it and the thoughts keep me up at night. I do not want to discover what kind of bad shit life has waiting for me, but I guess I will have to find out. Add it to the running list of crap.However, I keep pushing myself everyday to fight this uphill battle. it is hell. Maybe one day I will get lucky and can finally escape through death. I hate existing in general. If it would not hurt my kids so much, I would commit suicide. I am resentful of how hard I have to work at staying alive, doing right by my kids, and hiding how I really feel. Death would truly be a luxury assuming whatever comes after this life is better. Probably is not. Dying is a luxury",Suicidal +25638,I am just trying to hold everything together but i cannot. this shit sucks and i dunno what to do. I am so scared and alone it feels like I am drowning and no one cares i could just die right now and no one would care. i feel so lost and alone,Suicidal +8227,I really regret talkin or sayin anything. I am going to the train station tomorrow and I am really happy now I would finally be free n will not feel miserable all the time again ...I really hate you all from the bottom of my heart . I REALLY HATE YOU ALL N HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE. I have NEVER FELT ACCEPTED ANYWHERE EVERYBODY UNDERESTIMATING ME TALKIN TO ME LIKE I am COMPLETELY PIECE OF SHIT. EVEN HERE I GOT BANNED LIKE N LITTLED BY ALL LIKE HUNDRED TIMES JUST COZ I SAID MY OPINION,Suicidal +8182,"There is nothing in my life that i wish more than death yet i am still afraid of doing the thing. I am such a coward, i cannot live a life but i cannot even die, what the hell am i doing here? Seems to me that i am just forced to suffer.I really envy you Americans, living in the land of the free but i especially envy the second amendment of your constitution.If i was born American, i could have bought a shotgun and put an end to this stupid story. But i are not no American and the only way i have to take my life is through something painful or that does not grant instant death. Should i hang myself if i cannot achieve a full suspension? Hell no, low suspension method is too risky, takes too much time and there is always a chance for an ""hero"" to appear... Imagine living a life with a brain that is so rotten it does not allow you to wipe your ass, It would be surprisingly worse than before. Then should i just jump from height? And what if i cannot manage to land on the head? It will be an excruciatingly way to leave this place and i do not want to suffer more than I have already did in my life. What other choices do i have left? I do not know, i am not very smart and i cannot think of a painlessly way to die on my own but if you try to search on the internet for a way to do it, you will only get suicide hotlines numbers and related stuff.Everything related to suicide is literally censored. We basically have no right to die in this sick, cruel world to the extent that we are forced to stay here, just waiting for the death to come. That is sick, why is that so? It feels cruel to force people living a life of pain and suffering, it feels scary to think you do not have the right to take your own life. I am just waiting for the death to come.",Suicidal +10388,"For context, I am 22 years old going on 23. And these past 4 years have been taken away from me and continue to just wither away because of illnesses. When all I wanted was to live a life of peace. I never asked to be rich, never asked to be successful. I just wanted to be alone and happy to my own devices. But that is apparently too much to ask for. Instead, I gained rare chronic illnesses that for whatever reason progresses and takes away pieces of my life. Whilst also being underfunded whilst society does not give a shit about the unhealthy. I can now think about suicide like it is nothing, I am no longer afraid of death. It seems a lot more peaceful than what my life is now. Visual Snow Syndrome that progresses and continues to become more severe for no apparent reason, afterimages that torture and fill up my vision both positive and negative. Light sensitivity, warping you name it. it is supposed to become stable after 2 years, which seems like a lie considering it is only gotten worse for the past 4. Then, there is tinnitus. I hear multiple **5 to 6 sounds** spread across my ears, permanently. All different, some even sound reactant. Hissing, ringing, ""morse code"". And it never stops. And then to top it all off...**Hyperacusis** that has gotten worse very recently. Something that has taken me well over the edge of ""Oh fuck it all"". I was still considered strong prior to this funnily enough, so long as I had my music to escape and whatever vision I had to play videogames or watch movies etc, I will be fine I thought. Then god once again fucked me, worsening something that only 0.6%(?) of people on this earth has. Sound sensitivity. It is fucking torture. I can no longer do or enjoy basic things that people use to escape a nightmare. Everything, has been taken away from me. And I did not have much left. Not only are two of these conditions considered rare, but they are underfunded by a society that does not give a fuck about unhealthy people. And then you see it on the news, two billionaires using money for flying out to space for shits n giggles. Leaving you behind. Which only results in demoralization that people like that can exist while everyday you wake up looking into a mirror as a broken husk. Ending my life would be a genuine blessing. I have given up on both myself and society as a whole. Just fuck this shitstain world. God is wanting me to suffer, my life is literally a nightmare",Suicidal +18978,"Hey guys, first time posting on here but I feel it is best to get my thoughts out and maybe have some insight from others as I keep a lot of my thoughts inside in person and tend not to share anything with anyone.I first asked the question 'what is the point in life' when I was around 11 to my Mum, she did not give me much of an answer and I cannot even remember what she had said so it could not have been much. When I asked that question it was not me feeling suicidal but just being generally interested but I can remember it very well being the first time I felt truly sad and extremely depressed and almost scared, the world completely changed. After a while, I forgot about it completely until I was 16 which is when my Mum & Dad sadly passed away shortly after one another, not related deaths and both were unexpected which made it more shocking. A few months after my Dad passed I was contemplating suicide, not because I was sad about them passing, I felt I got over it fairly quickly which may sound odd but instead because I could not quite wrap my head around the point of life.I came to the conclusion after endlessly looking into philosophy and general interest in the subject that life is inherently meaningless and in the end we will all die and eventually be forgotten which in itself is bleak and sad. There is of course the argument of there is absolutely no way of knowing the meaning of life, I agree I do not know but I feel at my core that it is completely well and truly meaningless and once we die, it is done, simply done and we will not even know it is over because there will be nothing.This brings me to now, I go through periods of feeling better and then go through really dark, horrible periods such as the one I am having now where I constantly think of ending my life, hurting myself and feeling extremely sad and angry at the fact, at least my fact that life is worthless which kills all joy, all motivation in my life for periods that can be months upon months and what makes me even more mad is that there are others that may not even think anything about life and are so much more happier and enjoying life more than me. I of course am not wanting everyone to suffer, but it just upsets me further that I cannot seem to make myself think that way and simply relax and accept that fact and get on with it I guess.I am truly considering ending my life now as I cannot seem to be happy, I do drag my family down as well as my girlfriend down, she has said to me if I cannot change we will need to end our relationship as she does not want to be sad forever which is obvious and I do not blame her.I am not sure what to do anymore, the constant existential thoughts are very intrusive and it is not as simple as just 'stop thinking about it' as I know that is what most people will do, they simply do not think about life being meaningless and get on with their day but I CANNOT do that. I am thinking it may be best to speak to a therapist of some sort as there may be a problem with me deeper down?Thanks if you have read this, I know it was a lengthy one. Existential crisis leasing to suicidal ideation",Suicidal +9751,Do I have a symptom/am I crazy?Okay so I (14F) have a sister(16F). And were pretty close like really really close. Our mother passed away when we was younger(she was murder) . 7 and 5 years old. So its really just us to against the world. My sister is really quiet and does not talk to no one. While I on the other hand is completely the opposite. But ig after my mother passing and other shit happening. I have this feeling to protect my sister from everyone and everything. Like I never been away from her for more then 3 days. And if she does not go then I will not go and vis-versa ( sorry for bad spelling) but yea I am usually the one to do everything(which I have no problem with) and I always keep track of my sister to protect her from anything and anyone because I do not want to lose her. ( our dad is not in our life) but whenever my sister goes to work we share locations so I check it every 5 minutes. Because every negative possibility fills my head that something is happening to her like she is getting murdered or something. She understands how I feel when it comes to her for the most part. But then a lot of times at night I go into her room and just cry because I cannot stop myself from thinking someone is going to kill her while she is sleep and take her from me. And I just watch by the door with something sharp. Waiting for someone to try to take her from me. And she is knows and she tells me nothing is going to happen but I cannot help it. Like she is mine(my sister) I cannot let anything happen to her. I have no memory of our mom. But all I know is once I saw her in the casket. I vowed to let nothing happen to my sister. But I think there something wrong with me because sometimes when I am by myself I just talk out of nowhere forming a plan to kill anyone that try to hurts my sister. And it feels like someone is talking back to me . But I do not even care I just want to keep my sister safe. So is there something wrong with me? Please help me.,Suicidal +37436,I hate myself more than anything in the world,Suicidal +14088,Anyone understand my feelings cuz my family does not I want to die cuz I am ugly,Suicidal +18105,"I am feeling depressed, anybody else feeling that way too? Anybody want to talk for a bit?",Suicidal +9176,"I do not want to be skinny, and desperately trying to gain weight. Why cannot I have hips? Or boobs? Or butt? Why am I built like a fucking 12 year old. Gosh My body makes me feel this way",Suicidal +20317,"I am in crisis.When I go into crisis my mind screams for me to kill myself. In my chest and stomach and heart radiatiating out in all directions is pain, and the pain screams for me to kill myself.Why does my body want me to kill myself? The voice that comes from within my skull is nothing more than a speaker issuing words, there is zero emotion in my head, zero feeling, the only thing I feel is a screaming voice out of my torso telling me to kill myself.Why am I like this, why am I this way, why cannot I feel some other way I want to kill myself more badly that I have ever felt a want, a need, ever before in my life.",Suicidal +17063,The memories are too severe. I cannot stop screaming at night,Suicidal +18073,"I have been having suicidal ideation since I was in high school. In 2017, I planned for my suicide by purchasing a bunch of razors and ropes to carry it out. Luckily I met the love of my love by the end of 2017 so I decided that living might be worth it. Then he passed away last month and I do not see any point in living anymore. He was my better half. I have been cancelling therapy appointments and isolating myself. I do not want to get better anymore. This pain is unbearable. I cannot see myself living this life for another 5 years. Its not the people around me, but its me who is just struggling. If my family or friends find this post. I just want you to know that my decision is not anyones fault. I used to tell my fianc that I cannot see myself living for a long time and I think this is it. Thank you for whoever reading this. I appreciate your time. I have decided to do it",Suicidal +11775,I am 16. so i have no future prospects. nor do i plan on continuing my education or working towards a career. is it in my best interest to kill myself? question,Suicidal +20832,"I know no one is going to read this so fuck it. In my life no one cares for me my mom died almost a year ago and I did not even get to say goodbye. My dad basically killed my mom. He would beat her every night, most the time because he was bored. I could not help my mom I was too young to understand. Then he would beat my brother he is only three years older than me and he now has ptsd from it he is scared to talk to people and sometimes gets to nervous to even talk to me. And now my dad threatens to kidnap me when he gets out of prison. I have to live in fear that my dad is going to break in my house kill my family and take me. But no one cares. I stay up late at night out of fear of dying. And suicide is what I think about all night. Who cares if I die. No one wants me no one loves me anymore what do have to live for. I do not know there is my story I guess if anybody wants to even read it I wish someone would care",Suicidal +10789,"Everyone who saw my selfie said: you look great. Yeah, I do not look like a dying person at all, right?Should I be unkempt, beat my chest, and cry, so that you can believe that I am already suffering? No, I will not be like this. Even if I will commit suicide the next day, today I will still live and work as usual, chat happily with others, and be a perfect agreeable person. It is temporary flourishing before fading away.",Suicidal +35760,"Googling People say to not Google symptoms, even doctors have ""joked"" with me not to go to ""Doctor Google,"" but my brain tells me that the internet has facts on it so why is it so bad? If my symptoms is very specific why wouldn't Google be correct? I mean to say that I realize there can be many causes but if I'm experiencing something very specific and the most likely cause is on Google, wouldn't it be fairly accurate? I'm having a tough time convincing myself not to Google, but not because I think it's incorrect, but because I'm scared I'll find the truth on there. I hope in making sense in explaining my meaning. How do you get yourself to not google?",Anxiety +35254,"Rabies Anxiety I touched an umbrella that had bats roosting on it 5 weeks ago today. Was doing it to take pictures for proper ID, they were Evening Bats. The second I left the neighbors house I was in full on panic mode, still am, despite being reassured by a bat expert (DNR), a doctor, and the top two rabies scientists (Health Dept) in the state. It's a scary disease, can't wait until the 8 weeks are gone since that seems to be in the window of hen stuff can start. I will say, I hate that I see so many others worrying about this in here, yet, in a way, it comforts me to know I am not the only one. ",Anxiety +34801,"Weird rash Ugh. I've been really good about my health anxiety lately, but now I get random rashes. I showed my doctor pictures of them last month, and he said they were vascular rashes, and to just call and make an appointment if they happen again. I made an appointment for today, but I'm nervous. They're such weird rashes. I thought they were something with my cycle because the last two times I got them, it was while I was on my period. But I got it again today, and I'm not on my period, so idk what's going on. I went to the allergist a few months ago and don't have food or environmental allergies, so idk what else there is. ",Anxiety +35468,"Friendly reminder that it’s allergy season! I spent a while today stressing out because I was getting sniffly, but then I realized that it’s almost spring, which means it’s almost allergy season! Hopefully everyone who struggles with hay fever can keep this in mind this season ❤️",Anxiety +35073,"Does this appear to be anxiety, or something else? have no idea what is going (Chest Pain, Weakness, Tachycardia, High Blood B12). Countless doctors have not solved it. And it is getting really bad lately. + +* Age: 22 +* Sex: Male +* Height: 5""10 +* Weight: 148ish +* Race: South Asian +* Duration of complaint: 8 Months (after viral infection) +* Location (Geographic and on body): Toronto, Canada +* Current medications: No. + +RECENT BLOOD TEST (I have had blood test for the past 9 months, the last one 4 months ago. And all blood tests have had similar numbers, ALL had very high b12, and realtively high neutrophils and monocytes. All Had normal CBC other-wise, my Lymphocytes, RBC count, platelet count, Creatine Kinase, Potassium, TSH, Albumin, etc.. have ALL stayed very consistence, and normal, through-out the last 9 months) : + +**Hematology** + +WBC =10.2. Range 4.0 - 11.0 x E9/L + +RBC = 5.32. Range 4.50 - 6.00 x E12/L + +Hemoglobin = 152. Range 135 - 175 g/L + +Hematocrit = 0.457. Range 0.400 - 0.500 L/L + +MCV = 86. Range 80 - 100 fL + +MCH = 28.6. Range 27.5 - 33.0 pg + +MCHC = 333. Range 305 - 360 g/L + +RDW = 13.2. Range 11.5 - 14.5 % + +Platelet Count = 321. Range 150 - 400 x E9/L + +**Differential** + +Neutrophils = 7.1. Range 2.0 - 7.5 x E9/L + +Lymphocytes = 2.0. Range 1.0 - 3.5 x E9/L + +Monocytes = 1.0. Range 0.2 - 1.0 x E9/L + +Eosinophils = 0.1. Range 0.0 - 0.5 x E9/L + +Basophils = 0.0. Range 0.0 - 0.2 x E9/L + +Immature Granulocytes = 0.0. Range 0.0 - 0.1 x E9/L + +Nucleated RBC = 0. Range /100 WBC + +**Other Vitamins/ Chemicals** + +Vitamin B12 = **HI >1476.** Range 138-650 pmol/L + +Homocysteine = 9.0. Range. 5.1 - 15.4 umol/L + +Ferritin = 70. Range 22-227 ug/L + +Urinalysis Chemical: Normal + +Potassium= 4.5. Range 3.5-5.2 mmol/L + +Chloride = 101. Range 98-108 mmol/L + +Creatinine = 79. Range. 67-117 umol/L + +Glucose Random = 5.2. Range 3.6 - 7.7 mmol/L + +Albumin= 51. Range 35-52 g/L + +Bilirubin Total = 6. Range <20 umol/L + +Alkaline Phosphatase = 112. Range. 40-129 [u/L](https://www.reddit.com/u/L) + +Alanine Aminotransferase = 16. Range <50 [u/L](https://www.reddit.com/u/L) + +Magnesium = 0.87. Range. 0.70-1.00 mmol/L + +Creatine Kinase = 61. Range. 44-275 [u/L](https://www.reddit.com/u/L) + +Non HDL Cholesterol = 3.13 mmol/L. + +Thyroid Stimulating Hormone \[TSH\] = 1.05. Range 0.32-4.00 mIU/L + +\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ + +8 months ago I had a viral infection which has since caused whatever chronic condition or disease I have. + +\-Just want to add, my viral infection started with a bad stomach/lower abdomen ache 1-2 days before the actual infection (8 months ago), and I had a rapid heart-rate from right at the start of the viral infection. + +My symptoms are: + +\-Just want to start off by saying my heart-rate was high right from the very start of whatever infection i got, like from day 1. + +\-Tachycardia through-out the day. Little things make my heart race (whereas before I was very fit), I wear a fit-bit and my heart-rate is very normal in the 60s when I am sleeping. But in the day time, when I am out, even if I am just seating my heart-rate is constantly around 110 BPM. And if I have anxiety it can easily go up to 140. And if I, for example, climb the stairs or jump around a bit, my heart-rate shoots up to 150, and if I go for a short jog (I can't because of my heart), but in 1 minute it is nearly 180 BPM. Due to how fast it beats I do not take part in any exercise. I had normal Echocardiogram, and EKG.. but I did that 5 months ago. I want to point out, for some reason when I am with my family at home my heart-rate is also normal if I am just seating. And it was also normal when I visited my cousins and when I was in their house, again just sitting. + +Recently I had to attend a science lab for my university, and even though I was sitting my heart-rate was consistently around 110-125. + +\-My systolic blood pressure has been evaluated since this chronic condition.. at 130-140, but my diastolic pressure has remained 80. + +\-Lately, my chest feels more pressure and stress, and I think its because I put alot of strain on my heart throughout the duration of this whole thing. I visited a cardiologist 5 months ago and he said my heart everything was good. + +\-For the past few days, it feels if I breath in very deeply my heart hurts, but not really sure where the pain is coming from + +\-My only blood abnormality is a very high B12 at more than double the upper limit, 1476 pmol/L. I have measured homocysteine just now, and it was in the normal range at 9 umol/L. Not really sure why my B12 is very high, as I am not taking supplements and am a vegetarian. + +My hands (for nearly 8 months) have blue veins appearing on the finger. very similar to the hand in this photo (but on the finger as-well): [https://imgur.com/a/n5V1XjC](https://imgur.com/a/n5V1XjC) . + +\- I had muscle twitching and tingling which happened alot through-out the day, it has since gone down, but the tingling and twitching still happen at times. I had a normal EMG. + +\- Leg muscles have gotten much weaker according to my wall-sit time and squatting. Prior to 8 months I could easily do a wall sit for 3 minutes, now after 20 seconds my legs feel unbearably sore, and they are shaking like crazy right away when I start a wall sit. + +NORMAL TESTS AND RESULTS (all this are from several months ago, except the blood results posted above, those are from today. ): Normal: TSH, Blood CBC, LDH, ESR, CRP, PROTEIN ELECTROPHORESIS, abdomen ultrasound , Echocardiogram, EMG test, urine analysis, EBV, bicarbonate, chloride, creatinine , AST/ ALT, Potassium. + +ABNORMAL RESULTS: Very high Blood B12: 1475 pmol/L (range is 200-600 pmol/L). Slightly low Iron and Vitamin D. I do NOT take any B12 supps when it was measured high, and I am also a vegetarian. + +To summarize: I feel I have some type of post-viral autoimmune disease which causes High B12, Tachycardia, anxiety, and high-normal Neutrophils and monocytes. But I really have no idea what it is, or if it is even an autoimmune disease, etc. + +Thank you for taking the time to read and help me out. It is very much appreciated.",Anxiety +331,"I want to ask, but I'm afraid. If you don't ask, you'll get even more restless",Anxiety +52461,"Is anyone else's anxiety fueling your depression because nothing seems to work? Everyone says try drinking more water. Doesn't work. Try changing your diet. Doesn't work. Deep breathing exercises? Doesn't work. **Try exercising**. Kinda works but it comes back shortly after my workout. L-Theanine? Heard great things about it. Makes my anxiety worse. Oh what about Magnesium Glycinate? Makes my anxiety worse. The only thing that helps me personally other than prescription drugs which I am trying to stay away from is hiking in nature on a sunny day. But even then, as soon as I leave, it comes back. I know everyone's symptoms are different but shortness of breath is the main symptom I experience. Even saying a sentence these days I feel out of breathe. I wish I can destroy the parts of my brain that trigger anxiety every second I'm alive.",Anxiety +34319,"Just have to get this out Female, 33 years old, BMI 23 + +April 2017 I got a cough/cold. I continued coughing on and off for months, mostly in the morning, no other symptoms (ie no weight loss, no fatigue). In October, after several months personal upheaval I managed to go to the Doctor who sent me for a chest x-ray just to rule out an infection. Chest x-ray comes back with what the radiologist says could be a chest infection so it's recommended that I take antibiotics. + +I take a week of amoxicillin, on the 4th day I start getting a rash on my hands and feet which starts creeping up my limbs on the following days. I call my Dr who recommends that we switch to a different antibiotic (sorry, don't remember which one it was). I take that for a week. After the course is over I'm still coughing, mostly in the morning. + +I go back to my Dr who sends me for another chest x-ray which comes back with no indication of infection and then my Dr sends me on to a respiratory medicine specialist. + +Respiratory medicine Dr orders blood tests, chest CT scan and a breathing test. Blood tests have come back with borderline high levels of IgM and I am FREAKING out about what this means. No results from anything else yet. + +Respiratory medicine Dr thinks I have reflux and has put me on 40mg of an acid reducer. At no point did she say she thinks I have any signs of anything life threatening. + +I'm just so scared. I've always been a hypochondriac, and I am finding it really hard waiting for the results from all these tests. +",Anxiety +35822,Solutions? I bite my lips and my fingers a lot because of anxiety and I wanted to know if anyone has any solutions or alternatives to this cause my fingers always hurt and my lips are bleeding all the time lol.. thanks.,Anxiety +51914,"How to shake the feeling someone or something gonna break into the house? I live alone. Right now it is storming. Every night I lay awake wondering if someone or something has broke in. My eyes are tired. I know the doors are locked, but how do you get over this anxiety? I've been alone for 4 months.",Anxiety +34442,"Eye Check Up So yesterday my optician spotted black dots in my eye and said it could be cancer related or blindness incoming. + +She recommended me to check it with a specialist, I'm just too afraid to face it you know? Like I'm thinking if I should just overdose or kill myself right now even before facing the results or the truth about my condition. + +Anyone knows how to cope with this? Anxiety is killing me. ",Anxiety +551,"Ah I see, it seems that nausea is caused by being too anxious :)) It's really scary when you're overthinking..",Anxiety +366,I can't take any more pressure pls!,Anxiety +685,oh I'm so nervous,Anxiety +52736,"Just got prescribed Enlift, Xanax as well as magnesium for my anxiety. Do you guys have any insight on what to expect? Personal experiences? Hello! After dreading going to a psychiatrist for a couple of months I finally got the courage to do it and this is a big step for me. + +The doctor prescribed me Enlift , Xanax and Magnesium (which I've heard good things about it in this subreddit). Ive only ever been prescribed Zoloft, tried it for about 3 months and it didn't work for me so I'm basically going in blind. + +The doctor told me some basic instructions as well as explained how they work but it doesn't ease my anxiety about them, especially Xanax. (I generally get a lot of anxiety about medications tho not just this kind) . I know medications like these aren't a one-size-fits-all but I think it would ease my anxiety to know some of your guys personal experiences with them. I think knowing I'm not alone in this will make it less scary for me, especially with the stigma in my country around any medication for mental health. + +(edit : looked up Enlift and it goes by a lot of other names but Google says it's scientific name is Escitalopram if that's of any help)",Anxiety +34052,"Convinced I'm dying. First post in here - very nervous so it'll be long winded. + +On Monday, I had pain under my armpit and across my chest on the left side. I convinced myself I had everything from breast cancer to heart failure. Went to the doctor on Thursday and she diagnosed me with shingles. My rash is more like a cluster of spots, and it's not itchy or have any of the other symptoms. + +Since then, I've convinced myself my organs are failing and that I have a blood clot. + +The latest is breast cancer. Was in the shower and noticed a small, about an inch long, patch of skin that's red. No itch, no rash, spot or lumps. It's not hot to touch. It's just red skin. The thing that's throwing me is that it's on my right side, whereas the shingles is on the left. + +I've alway suffered with anxiety, but never health anxiety. I've just bought a house and I'm moving in on Friday - I'm starting to think that because I'm not stressed about that, I'm stressing about every single twinge in my body. For example, I'm now extremely dizzy. It's a side effect of the anti vitals, but I'm here writing a will. + +Somebody please tell me I'm not going crazy. ",Anxiety +35013,"HPV Vaccination side effects? So yesterday I had myself vaccinated for HPV. My arm started aching immediately after the shot, which had never happened to me, usually my arm started to ache maybe 30 mins after the shot but I didn’t think anything of it. On the bus home from the hospital I was really drowsy and dizzy and stayed that way for a few hours. Today my arm still aches, usually for me my arm would’ve stopped aching by now, and my chest feels tight, maybe I’m over exaggerating but has anyone else had symptoms like these?",Anxiety +52804,Anxiety attacks Over the last week I’ve been suffering with a virus and spread to my chest and it gave me a bad panic attack where I had to go to hospital. I just can’t sleep because I’m worried that I’m going to die or my heart is beating too fast. I just can’t fucking sleep and I can’t deal with it. How do I sleep?,Anxiety +35198,"Had a heart attack scare and now my anxiety is through the roof Hi! I posted this in r/anxiety as well but i thought id post here too, hope thats ok! + + +So on Friday night I was rushed to the emergency department because I was having severe chest pain to the point where I couldn't even talk, I was just crying. I didn't know what it could be and it didnt even cross my mind that it could be anything to do with my heart. The pain eased up after and hour and after around 6 hours when I finally got seen by a doctor the pain was non existent. + +I explained the issue to the doctor and he told me he wasn't really worried about me seeing as I'm an otherwise healthy 20 year old but he decided to run an ECG anyway. The ECG came back showing changes in my heart rhythm that mimicked that of a heart attack and so he decided to take some blood to check. After about 2 hours he came back to me telling me that the blood test came back negative and that I hadn't had a heart attack it was probably just a panic attack and that I could go home. + +Now it's a few days later and my brain wont stop going over the experience. I keep thinking something is wrong or that the doctor missed something. I keep getting chest pain and shortness of breath but my family are insisting it's anxiety after the whole experience. I dont know what to do I don't feel like myself at all and I dont want to go anywhere or do anything which is the complete opposite of how i usually am, and I've completely lost my appitite. I don't know how to shake the fact that this wasn't an actual heart attack and that I'm actually okay. I just feel completely broken and terrified. + +I'm sorry if this is a lot, or this is the wrong place I just felt like I had to write it down and maybe get some advice about what to do to make everything seem better. + +TL:DR - I had a heart attack scare and although results eventually came back saying I hadn't had a heart attack I can't stop thinking somethings terribly wrong. ",Anxiety +368,Porasonar mayre bap,Anxiety +52917,"Working in a call center I just started a new job that has the absolute best work environment ever. However, it's answering phones, and of course that's not ideal for me. The sheer amount of information I have to navigate is overwhelming; every question is entirely unique, and I'm beginning to feel really stupid and out of sorts. It's not rocket science, just selling hotel rooms-- any advice on how to stay calm and collected??",Anxiety +588,"It's really hard to be ""stupid"" or ""okay"" with things that disturb your mind. Grandpa, you really have to think about the reason why this happened, you really have to think about how it affects you, just to make the brain not stop thinking, and make the heart restless. Arghhh",Anxiety +52503,"Hey. I don't understand anxiety as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I'm not denying it's existance. That being said, Jessie J's description of it on the Diary of a CEO made me realise I might have it. I'm perfectly fine performing tasks in X situation but doing the same in Y I shake, have weakness lifting stuff etc based on environment, people etc. is this anxiety? + +I've not being diagnosed at all because this is a ""recent"" development.",Anxiety +52130,"Any alternatives to hydroxyzine? At the moment I take hydroxyzine for my panic attacks. It works okay, especially since my main panic attack symptom is nausea, but is there a better alternative? I feel it isn’t working good enough when I need it.",Anxiety +495,Still very anxious £,Anxiety +52811,"I’m so truly exhausted. I don’t know why my brain is the way it is anymore and it hurts. I’m struggling so much. Here’s my story if you want to stick around to read it. Last year, about this same time I got Covid, probably the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life, besides the horrible sickness part, somehow it sparked some sort of new anxiety in me. Before it I never experienced anxiety like I do now, but somehow it came on painfully out of no where. Panic attacks more than once a day, unable to control my thoughts, horrible intrusive thoughts, nightmares, insomnia, constant fidgeting & some anger/irritability for no reason at all. +After a month or two from healing from Covid (Covid long haul) I was getting better, no more panic attacks, able to drive, get out and be happy. I was okay, till now. One night I woke up a little too early so I decided to stay up instead of falling back asleep for three or so hours, and boom it was back. My mind went straight back to the anxiety, the irritability and pain as before but without the anxiety. +It’s been a few weeks or so now since it started and I feel so tired and mentally drained. +I started some anxiety meds (Buspirone 5mg 2x) and haven’t seen a massive amount of change yet. +Advice? Help? Do I just give up?",Anxiety +34321,"A method I use to reduce my health anxiety Hiv + +Gonorrhea + +Chlymedia + +Mouth cancer + +Bacterial infection + +Stomach cancer + +Throat cancer + +Herpes + +Going blind + +Going deaf + +Intestinal parasites + +IBS + +Heart defect + +Lung cancer + +In no particular order all of these have been individual cases of my health anxiety since April last year where I have genuinely believed without a shadow of a doubt I have got and began to process the self diagnosis as the truth and you know what... +NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN CORRECT!!!!!!! + +Now I look at this list everytime I begin to self diagnose again. Not googling symptoms has also had a massive improvement. +I've also noticed that it is when I have a lot of downtime that I get my health anxiety back and it is virtually non existent when I'm super busy as my brain has something to focus on. + +Hope this helps someone! :)",Anxiety +35149,"Lower left abdomen pain Well I have an appointment for an ultrasound tomorrow due to random but dull pain in my lower abdomen and in my left testicle. Could be multiple small things but now I'm convinced I have testicular cancer and am fully fearing getting it done lol, fun times. Any one have an experience with symptoms like these and was it serious ? Put my mind to rest or not lol 😂 I'm 20 btw",Anxiety +102,"Please be anxious , it must continue like this.",Anxiety +35672,"Therapy? Has anyone had any success with specific therapy or medication for health anxiety? this has ruined my life more than normal anxiety in my past. I feel as if i’m constantly waiting for something to come up and I’ll never be able to live a happy life. Just waiting for my time to be up, basically. ",Anxiety +52006,"Zoloft Postpartum Anxiety I am 3 months postpartum and my doctor just prescribed me Zoloft 25mg. I have been having horrendous anxiety and insomnia. I finally decided I needed to do something about it. I took my first dose last night and was shakey and nervous and couldn’t sleep. So I took a hydroxyzine but that didn’t really help. So today I decided to take it earlier to see if that will help. I took it at noon. I am feeling so awful. Having diarrhea, which I guess I don’t really care about. But I have a headache and am soooo foggy. Like I feel weird and out of it and so tired but at the same time nervous and amped and I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Someone please tell me this gets better and it’s worth it. I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I have a baby that I have to care for so i hate feeling like this. I'm thinking about trying unisom tonight to sleep. Also I am breastfeeding.",Anxiety +52150,"My friend's depression +Every time my friend got depressed, he wouldn't talk to anyone. I was able to help him when I was close, but now he lives much further away from me. His desire not to talk to anyone started to increase in him and it took longer. At first I decided to leave him alone, but that didn't quite work. I try to talk to him, but it doesn't work, he doesn't reply at all unless I insist on my messages, and when I insist he gives a very short answer. I don't know what to do can someone help me please. I'm starting to worry too much about him.",Anxiety +52927,"27 yo with severe anxiety living with parents fails at life +Hey r/anxiety, + +I am in a very tough spot rn, i was working towards becoming a teacher for 7 years, started my teaching certification programme (in my country you need to do this), but after 3 weeks I was so anxious of all the people i constantly had to deal with that i started suffering from constant belly pain, diarrhea, insomnia. So after spending 4 weeks on sick leave i decided i want to quit and try to focus on my mental health first and maybe find a small job (like a 10 h job) in order to be slowly introduced into regular work life while getting support from therapy and social services (the 10 h job idea was from my therapist because i havent had a job except for a summer job when i was 18 which was very traumatic because the boss constantly berated me, made fun of me and humiliated me). +I still live with my parents who have financially supported me throughout my studies (tho till i was 25 my health insurance was free and they got tax benefits and child benefits from me still living with them, if i had moved out i would have been entitled to support by them, my divorced father had to pay me 112 € a month for instance) and to them me quitting because i just can't work with children and a ton of colleagues and the constant stress of being judged and evaluated and dealing with maladjusted kids supposedly is understandable. However they demand of me to immediately get a full-time or 30 hour job so i can move out ASAP in potentially a field i have little experience in and they say i shouldnt become unemployed and rely on social services because it would look bad on my CV. +Because i was struggling to find a field that would interest me within a week of deciding to quit teaching and me offering to apply for a 10 h job at a library (smth i wanted to do before but my applications failed sadly) as a transitionary period my mother basically screamed daily at me the last couple days saying i should get a job and gtfo and stop acting like a child when i started crying, shaking and feeling like i was about to throw up. She says she is entitled to her financial support paying off after all this time and that i should get a job like a normal person and support myself. + +As a result of this constant yelling and screaming and ranting i havent been able to sleep for days, i have lost 3 kg of weight, lack any appetite, have to get up every night cus of diarrhea and havent slept more than 3 hours most nights. Yday i proposed the idea with the 10 hour job and my mother reacted as if i was telling her a bad joke and said i should be ashamed for even suggesting such a thing. In her rage she said i should gtfo she doesnt care if it's social housing or a homeless shelter and that she didnt financially support me to become a work-shy leech. So in my panic i phoned a bunch of social services just in case so i would know my options. Today she came in tears to me and said she was just very concerned about my future. Yday I talked to my doctor and my therapist about the potentiality of getting kicked out and they asked if i could go somewhere to get away from this situation so i can recover a bit like i was supposed to during my sick leave, so i decided today to leave for my boyfriend's place who is still a student and also lives with his parents but in a different country (we are in EU so travelling is no problem). I have some money left from my teaching job that i could give them if they ask for it (i was paying my fam 250 € a month from the teacher pay), so i wouldnt be freeloading while i stay there. +I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for a few weeks now but have had very little success. I have been in therapy since november and been on sick leave since late february. I think if i had stayed i would have become suicidal as i was noticing myself starting to go numb and dissociate whenever i was being yelled at. After explaining my situation to my doctor she said she couldnt let me leave without asking if i have sucidial thoughts because in that case she would have recommended sending me to a clinic. + +Some questions are plagueing me now however... am i a coward? Am i doing the right thing? Am i a lazy leech like my parents call me or just too mentally ill to work a proper job for now? + +What do you guys think about my situation am i doing the right thing? What should i have done in your opinion? Kind of asking as a reality check",Anxiety +34269,"I (28F) Health anxiety - Help. How did you get over it? Health anxiety SUCKS. Like, really sucks. I literally have no reason in my current life to be so down sometimes but I am and I hate it. I'm literally crying. My grandmother, two of her sons, and one of my female cousins have diabetes. My mom does not and neither does my 14 year old sister. I'm 28, eat relatively healthy but was pretty sedentary up until 3 weeks ago. + +I weigh 151.7 and I've started exercising 6 days per week (1 hour Zumba) super high intensity with plyometrics incorporated and have felt pretty great. I have remained at around the same weight despite all of this. I went out last Thursday (about a week ago) and got drunk which I never really do. I rarely drink but I felt so terrible and I'm not doing that again. I was super dehydrated and felt like crap all weekend but I still went to Zumba that Saturday. Out of nowhere, I start thinking about diabetes and now I'm freaked the heck out. + + I went through all of my medical records from the past couple of years to try to calm me down, fasting glucose at 96, at 78, at 87, most recent in December 2017 was 96. On 5/5/2016 my a1c with eAG estimation was 5.0 and my a1c today was 4.9. I did eat a small tub of mangoes from HEB and a green juice prior to my glucose test and that came back at 148. This was literally 10-15 mins after eating. I've had some random shooting pain all over my body for a while now, and for the past couple of days (Sunday) I have cold feet I cannot warm up at all. + +Granted, my whole legs hurt and they feel cold from my butt down. My muscles are pretty sore as I've been doing squats and jumping all over the place for an hour daily. I took a rest day today. I seem to find charts and charts about ""normal"" diabetic ranges but not normal non diabetic ranges for immediately post meal and that 148 is freaking me out despite of the a1c level. + +Should I be worried? Also, I started new birth control (Vienva - generic for Aviane) and I think this may be causing the cold feet? and maybe the anxiety to go to extremes? I asked the Dr. on Nurx about the birth control and she said it's not a normal side effect of the medication although it is my experience that sometimes they aren't aware of all. + +My health anxiety started about two years ago with a diagnosis of H. Pylori (which has been resolved naturally) as the Flagyl and antibiotics caused the first ever anxiety bout I've ever had and continues today. I also had my gallbladder removed and then went to a gastro who said I didn't even need it taken out despite pain attacks. + +I've had EKG's, Echo, CT of the pelvis and abdomen with contrast ad I was also getting palpitations. Determined those are PVC's but I did not want to take beta blockers if nothing is structurally wrong with my heart. + +I just want to be the old me. Three year ago me who gave no fucks about anything until that shit. + +TL;DR: Is it diabetes or just health anxiety? Help! I want to be the old me :(",Anxiety +35382,"Wanted to share one of my coping methods in case any of you find it helpful Recently I've been thinking a lot about about my health anxiety and I think one of the main reasons why I am so afraid of contracting whatever disease it happens to be on any given week, is because I automatically catastrophize the situation. + +If I think I might have breast cancer I automatically think it will kill me. I imagine saying my last goodbyes to my family and friends and think of all the things I will never achieve in my life because I've died young. To reassure myself, I tell myself that I'm making it up it my head, I don't have cancer, it's so unlikely at my age etc. This reassurance is only fleeting before I find another 'symptom' and the cycle continues. + +But lately I've been realising that one of the main problems is that I underestimate my ability to cope with health problems. There are hundreds of thousands of cancer survivors who end up living long and happy lives. People who are HIV positive can live relatively normal lives despite their illness thanks to modern medicine. Having an illness does not mean the end of the world. + +By reframing my thinking when reassuring myself from 'I don't have x disease, I'm OK' to 'I probably don't have x disease, but if I do I know I will find a way to cope with it and I will be ok', I have found that health anxiety worries have come up less frequently as the intrusive thoughts have less to hold on to. ",Anxiety +35676,"Tick bite So, I noticed about 35 hours later that I have a thick on my leg. I immediately removed it, but I cant help over stressing it. Why? I live in European country where the infections with Meningitis and Borelia are on the highest rate... I am so stressing everyone so much, constantly reading what could happen .... How can I calm myself down? Plus sorry for my english, is not my first language. ",Anxiety +403,how come there are so many senders asking me to make you cry and then explain the tags like literally brutal.. I'm a little worried..,Anxiety +51939,I had a mini win ! Hello everyone I hope you’re okay. I was just playing FIFA and boom a big palpitation hit I started to panic felt lightheaded because I was holding my breath because I was so tense and then calmed down. I have had my heart checked 7 times 2 of which are private best testing ones and it’s perfect so I know it’s not going to harm me but still catches me off guard I think it’s more of the fact I was leaning forward that it felt harder and the fact I was breathing in lol. Anyway ! I was laying in bed thinking I need to just once and for all get over all of the symptoms that are making me scared of being I’ll and dying. How can I do that ???? GET OVER MY FEAR OF DYING now I’m not saying I’m perfectly fine with death because I am not but I just thought to myself I can’t stop death and I just need to accept it. If there isn’t a god I won’t know about dying after if there is a God I could go to heaven which is great and who knows I could reincarnate and live life again. We don’t know so it’s the anxiety of not knowing which scares me and leaving my family behind. Like I say I’m a healthy 22 year old male with NO health conditions death can happen at anytime and could happen the next minute but for my age and health it is unlikely but never zero. Now I’m religious and I am sort of anxious in my mind that God is trying to get me to accept death so I can die soon lol but I don’t wanna die soon that’s why I’m scared off. That’s just my anxious mind thinking right ? I guess the positive way of looking at it is that God is getting me to get over my fear of death so I can live the LONG HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE that he put out for me. Can anyone help me accept death even more ?,Anxiety +34584,"Bee Sting I got stung by a bee earlier today. It's been several hours. + +Could I have a serious allergic reaction after so long? Is there something I should worry about, or am I being irrational?",Anxiety +35572,"That awkward moment when your health anxiety was 110% accurate. Fml. I’ve spent my whole life not feeling right. My immune system has always been shit. Seizure activity as a child-teenager. Anyways, I’m 25 now and I had my adrenal gland removed a few months ago due to a benign hormone-secreting adenoma. It was found via MRI in October. + +Not even a couple weeks after surgery, I noticed extreme mental changes. Which led to paranoia. And then I lost 30+lbs and stopped sleeping completely. I would get SO angry over shit that wasn’t even important and I had to literally shut it down by cutting myself off from people. My hormones were a mess according to labs. I just KNEW something else was wrong. + +A week ago today, I got an MRI which confirmed a brain tumor (of the pituitary). I have to have my concerns because I work in the medical field and I usually know what something is the second it starts creeping up. But I thought it was impossible to have another one present itself, even though my last tumor was benign. Fml.",Anxiety +98,"For God's sake, I'm so tired of worrying.",Anxiety +52797,"I feel pain! I don't know why but I feel pressure and pain, I am unable to live and nothing works!!! I beg someone to help me",Anxiety +632,"I'm nervous about every plot of pictures on the next account, it's like trauma is being crushed by random humans even though my pictures are fine, it's not offensive or anything.",Anxiety +35135,"My mind surprised me even... So here’s the story, I was hungry and had come home from school. Thought I’d workout and order some ol Red Robin from doordash. + +Fast forward I feel like my driver is taking too long, I gave her a call and she sounded nervous and said she’d be picking it up in a minute or so (even though the app said the food had been picked up). + +Eventually, brought my food about 20 min or so after the call. And, now that I’ve eaten it for some reason my mind only thought of anthrax... and how my nervous driver could have poisoned my food... + +So here I am, full and satisfied... awaiting the appearance of any anthrax related symptoms and I guess the ol lights out after that... + +Man I don’t think I’m ever delivering food again... please someone this sounds crazy!",Anxiety +35446,"Fear of Neurological disease because I suck at balancing on one leg with my eyes closed. Ok so I was reading online about the Rombergs test, where you stand with your two feet together and fold your arms then close your eyes. You are supposed to be able to do this for at least 20 seconds. I can do this fine. + +Then the Sharpened Rombergs test. +Stand with your heel to the big toe of the opposite foot (heel to toe) put your hands on your hips and close your eyes. You are supposed to be able to do this for 21-31 seconds. Sometimes I can do like 1.5 minutes, other times I can only do like 15 seconds. + +Then the big one. Standing on one leg with your eyes closed for 15-30 seconds. Stand on your good foot, lift the other foot while bending it, has to be at least 6 inches off the ground. + +I CANT DO IT. I struggle to get to 10 seconds. Sometimes I get 30 but that’s after like 4 tries. +My legs shake like crazy and I just fall to the side or else my knee gives way. + +This is scaring me as I’m only 22. :( ",Anxiety +52587,"Just had one of the worst anxiety attacks of my life during my sleep that I still can’t comprehend what just happened. I’ve had an anxiety disorder most of my life and I had a particularly stressful day the night before. As of writing this I just had the most vividly intense nightmare of my life that it still doesn’t feel like I’ve awoken into reality at the moment. In short, I had a dream where I was being possessed by a demon but I could feel all the pain and physical anxiety it was creating. I woke up multiple times. One of the times my mouth was wide open, my throat completely dry, and my neck as stiff as a rock. During the dream I felt my heart racing and beating so hard my chest still hurts, and I woke up completely covered in sweat and my body aching real bad. Is this a normal experience for a panic attack at night? Would anyone be able to provide some advice for why this could’ve happened and how I can prevent it in the future?",Anxiety +35369,"Oh boy a swollen lymph node. I spent five years absolutely convinced my ibs was a sign of some horrible bowel cancer. Kept putting off any screening (colonoscopy) for fear of the procedure and for fear I’d be right. Finally got it done and woo nothings wrong! Turns out my anxiety was actually 90% of the cause behind horrible intestinal upset for yeaaars. So that subsides (finally) and I can get back to normal. Til now. About a week ago I discovered a swollen (what I presume to be) a lymph node on my upper thigh/groin crease area. About the size of a grape, hard and moveable. Doesn’t hurt until I start messing with it. I’ve had a lymph node in my neck that swells up occasionally (happening since childhood apparently it’s normal) and it feels like that. So cool guess I’m going right back down into the anxiety that I’m gonna die. Doesn’t help my mother had lymphoma :/ (no blood relation) ",Anxiety +33963,"Head injury worries? I constantly worry about head injuries, because I constantly worry if a hit to my head was significant to cause a concussion. + + +For example, I was laying in bed on my (not very heavy) laptop, and I accidentally pushed it into my chin. It wasn't a super hard hit, it didn't hurt, but I immediately started worrying that I could have a concussion. My head was against a pillow too, but the reading I did claimed that it's worse if your head doesn't move. + + +I mean, I don't notice myself feeling especially nauseaous or dizzy, but I can't stop worrying. It seems like most concussion stories involve something more significant than that. Are small hits like that something to worry about? Does anyone have any expertise as when to start worrying about a concussion?",Anxiety +34582,"help me!!! any suggestion how to cure insomnia?? +for how many days i cant sleep well, +help me pls",Anxiety +34695,"What’s our fear about? Have you ever thought what is really behind our health anxiety? What would be the worst case scenario every time a new symptom starts? +Have you ever asked yourself... what if I die? + +I believe that my HA is just my way of escaping, in some way, I might be enjoying this exercise of being told “all is ok, be free” +",Anxiety +17,"restive = restless, restless",Anxiety +51955,"is it normal for an SSRI to make you feel like you're literally dying I was prescribed 50 mg Zoloft for anxiety and depression which I took for the first time last night. What followed was the most excruciatingly painful and unbearable 12 hours of my life. I threw up anything I ate, heart was pounding nonstop, my entire body was numb, and I couldn't sleep without being constantly woken up by stomach pain or nausea. Pretty much all the anxiety symptoms I normally get except all at once and multiplied 100x. At certain points I honestly felt like I was about to die or pass out. +I know people say that it gets worse before it gets better but nothing could have prepared me for this. I don't think I'm gonna take another dose until I can talk with my psychiatrist and be absolutely certain this won't happen again. Anyone else have a similar experience or am I just really fucking unlucky",Anxiety +34700,Lexapro? Anyone else take lexapro? I was just prescribed it this afternoon and made the mistake of reading the possible side effects. ,Anxiety +52698,"Intrussive thoughts So yeah, me and my girlfriend have great times with each other, but i keep getting these thoughts that i need her to say that she loves me constantly or she doesn't feel it, anytime we have even the smallest discussion i think she hates me so i need vonstant reassuring of her feelings, and i think that might annoy her, how do i deal with these thoughts?",Anxiety +35728,"I have a rabies fear, can anyone help out? This all started last June, I was playing with my dog in my yard. He lunges forward and I reached out with my hand and his tooth scraped my middle finger. It did cut the skin and I was bleeding. My finger was tingling at the site where he bit me. I went to go wash it off and didn’t think much of it until I looked on the fridge and I see my dog was a week overdue on his rabies vaccine. I panicked and wasn’t sure what I should do. I know of rabies, but I didn’t KNOW rabies until my dumb mind did some googling. + +If you know where the googling is going, then you understand my fear. If you don’t, just don’t worry about it. + +My dog at the time is a 13 year old German Shepherd. He is prone to seizures and would have a couple of them a year. We’ve had him for 11 years so we know how to handle the situation. He also drooled and foamed a lot in the mouth. That was his natural way. He’s been vaccinated every year as it is required in the state of New Mexico. + +I did go to urgent care and received a Tetanus shot since I was overdue on that one but my doctor told me that it’s been over 40 years since a dog had rabies in my area. so I did not receive the rabies shots. Which made me feel better honestly. For about 5 months. + +In October, my dog was put down because he was struggling to stand up and seemed like he was in pain a lot. + +In late November, I got what seemed like a week long cold. Sore throat, tired, drained and all that junk. I was sick but not terrible so I went to a concert and I started to feel worse. For some dumb reason, the first thing that appeared in my mind was rabies. And I almost panicked because of it and couldn’t enjoy the show. I went home after feeling very horrible. I couldn’t sleep, a headache kicked in, my fever rose and it’s like my mind was repeating the same scene over and over all night long and I couldn’t sleep at all. Then I woke up around 5 am with a racing heartbeat that wouldn’t slow down at all. I felt awful and was fearful about rabies. + +Since that day, I never ignored my finger where my dog bit me. I still feel pain and a minor tingling sensation where he bit me and all I can think about is if I have rabies. It’s practically on a daily basis I look at the spot. I have no idea how to get past this. It’s been 9 months since the incident and I still worry about getting it. I just can’t shake this fear out of my mind. I thought the spot where he bit me would be gone but the area is still red as if it’s been only a couple of weeks since he’s bitten me. + +I’ve tried everything, such as logic. It’s exceedingly rare in the US, most rabies cases have been from bats in the US or contracted outside. Last person to die from a dog rabies in the US was in 1974. Basically when my parents were still kids. And I’m 25 now. My dog survived the 10 day quarantine and we vaccinated him after those 10 days just in case. + +Like I can’t shake the fear. Each time my finger is in pain or even get a tingling sensation, my mind instantly jumps to that conclusion. I almost don’t care about anything else. I have stomach pains and I’m going to see a gastroenterologist about it, I really wouldn’t care if they told me I had cancer. Rabies is just something that truly sparks fear in my mind. + +I even freak out seeing bats in the sky since I work at stadiums as a camera guy. ",Anxiety +35575,"Wall of Eye Floaters Help So I have floaters. Evident by the fact I'm posting here. Whether they stay or go away in a few years, I don't care. 23, so I have all the time to wait. One thing that I've recently noticed though is that when I almost close my eyes completely and look up at the sky during the day, I can see an entire faint sheet of what I assume is the liquid my floaters are in, and I can see the entire field of my vision is in what essentially looks like a very faint wall of bubbly protiens and crap. When my eyes are wide open it's harder to see but in the sky I can still ever so slightly notice it. My question is, has anyone had this along with the more prominent floaters and did the wall eventually go away? I don't mind the individual ones but having literally all my vision be through this murky shit is stressing me out. +",Anxiety +34905,"Can I severely damage my eye while putting on contacts? I really want to get fitted for contacts soon. I have an eye appointment next week and my mom is letting me use her disposable ones for practice. I’m terrified of what it could do to my eye, though. + +Could it fold up in my eyelid trying to put it in? Could it get lost in my eye? Could it scratch it? I’m scared but it’s mostly because I’ve never put them in before. ",Anxiety +299,"um! Pls, how do I feel afraid to go out of the house because I'm afraid to meet people, I don't know why, even though I wasn't like this before, I used to be nervous, then I'm so anxious I'm so sweaty",Anxiety +34109,"Panic over Collapsed lung (Pneumothrax) So I had some chest and back pain on the left side when breathing in deeply for a couple of minutes. Of course cue the googling - must be a collapsed lung. + +Apparently it can happen for no real reason and its most common in tall/skinny people in early 20's. And that is literally me. + +I dont have any pain now anymore but im scared it will happen again. Anyone got any experience on this? Should i go see a doc?",Anxiety +34854,"How do you get past the physical symptoms? Currently sitting in the bathroom hiding from my kids and crying. Whenever I get panicky or anxious, I always feel like I’m going to pass out/die. It will feel like I’m suffocating. It’s like it will start from my feet and go to my head. Then I get that lovely impending doom feeling, some serious derealization, then it’s game over. I will freak out, try to escape from wherever I am. They are so fun when you’re driving 🙃 I feel physically ill 24/7. I’m talking weak legs, arms, nauseous, brain fog (really bad). I visited the doctor 6 times last year, and also had 3 ER visits. Everything is always “anxiety”. Well, today I’m trying to catch up on housework (my family got hit by a really bad bug, sinus infections, strep throat) and I feel too weak to do anything! I’m shaking right now. I don’t know if I need to eat or something, or I’m about to keel over! My dr says I need medication at this point, because I am completely agoraphobic. I notice every twinge within my body. I’m feeling so helpless at this point, I can’t live like this anymore. Can you guys help me please? I know I need to help myself. It’s just hard. 😭",Anxiety +34651,"Worried after burning non-stick pan? I was heating up a non-stick frying pan earlier and left it on high for about 10 minutes after forgetting about it. It started smoking, I realized what was going on, and I grabbed the pan and ran it under water. I turned on a fan and went about my business for another 10 minutes in the slightly smokey room. + +Suddenly I became anxious and looked up if this could be harmful and found several articles about something called polymer fever? I definitely have a bit of a scratchy throat and feel kind of weird but I don't know if I'm just imagining it.",Anxiety +636,"How about you, basically, you are a loner, where is the mental health when you are not healthy, the more it is getting better. the intention to upgrade myself is even more anxious",Anxiety +351,"Why is it that if there are a lot of people talking in front of the house, there are too many motorbikes that pass by, the feeling is immediately restless, afraid, gt",Anxiety +34240,"Should I see a neurologist? I am 19,F and have GAD btw + +1) Went to a specialist, diagnosed me with occipital neuralgia. i ate the medicine and i no longer get these constant headaches. He did a physical check on me to check my vision, balance and muscle strength and it was fine. He told me to just fix my posture. + +2) However, my muscle twitching and numbness (ive always had this my entire life) and my short term memory loss problems got worse. Besides, i now have speech and focusing problems. + +Is it just anxiety and it's all just psycho symptomatic pain? Is my (recently diagnosed) anxiety a symptom of something bigger?",Anxiety +34082,"How do you guys manage fever? Please let me know urgent. Thanks! + +",Anxiety +52381,"Health issue or health anxiety So before i start, let me make clear that i do have some health issue Well had, i was born with a unicuspid valve and had open heart surgery 2 years ago. Up to the surgery i was a mental wreck more than before. Now after the surgery ive been Well for the most part. I have had alot of fears after that actually got worse over the two years instead of better. Now to start This story up we gotta rewind a few months, its a few days after Christmas, im at granny inlaw having a good time, when My girlfriend notice My right ankle is a little swollen above the achilles tendon, we call the emergency eoc and he wants ud to Come in, he frels it and want it scanned with ultrasound. It was fine. Now i didnt Think much of it then, but im sure My ankle above the achilles always was swollen but i havent ever really looked much at My ancles. +Now here is where it gets difficult two days later we Are home, i wake up and notice i have a coin sized point bit left from My sternum with minor pain,and I get spells of dizziness. +At night i get admitted to the ER and they do ultra sound, ekg, bloodwork work etc. And everythings fine, except from slightly elevated troponin which could be scar tissue, though they think i have a minor infection in my heart and release me sayinf i should be fine sfter some time but i dont feel fine. Onde home i get This feeling of not being able to get enough air when I breath. A week later im back in the ER, they do the usual checks plus a ct and guess what, im fine except for the same slightly elevated troponin and they release me Again sayings its just a minor infektion. +3 weeks later i have an appointment with a specialised cardiologist that is educated for valve disease and has byen following me for over a decade. She checks me and im fine My heart is in a good condition. Now i didnt feel happy when told so, but extreme dissapointment, i started to get a feeling of fear of Them having made a mistake or missed something . The reason being is that before My surgery the hospital i was in the ER at, didnt see that My heart wasnt doing Well when I was in for chest pain(wasnt a heart attack, but My valve failing badly) the Same pain i have Now. +Now i startede going to a psych every third week and its good. But at this point im uncertain of what is wrong, ive been checked at the hospital 3times and at a specialized cardiologist, and they havent found much that could explain the pain. +So im trying to accept the fact it could be anxiety driven, but the moment i started trying it, i got issues with breathing Again. Its like something in me wants to keeper me in pain and afraid. I Hope some Will read this and give some input.",Anxiety +34169,"Sharp headache everytime I move or cough Figured I could come here for enlightenment since I'm currently kind of on holiday. I'm 23, female, and about a month ago I contracted one of the worst flus I'd ever experienced in my life - in fact I'm pretty sure I've never gotten any kind of flu before this one, I'm almost never sick. + +I only fully recovered about a week or two ago, and I've noticed for the past few days a sharp pain on the top of my head everytime I cough or move/change elevation. I figured it may be because I've been sleeping a lot and not drinking enough water perhaps, but I don't know. I took a pain killer a few days ago for the same kind of headache but it didn't help. Naps make it go away but not fully, I can still feel some kind of pressure/light pain when coughing and moving. I'm also currently on my period, which started a few days ago. Not sure if there's any correlation. Is this normal after a flu and a somewhat consistent cough? I haven't really gotten out of the house much the last couple of days either. Maybe I should? + +One notable thing in my medical history (that I still have I believe) is iron deficiency. Not sure if that could also be a testament to whatever this is.",Anxiety +34160,"I feel like my psychologist might be ready to refer me elsewhere I have OCD with a health anxiety emphasis. My worries have run the gamut but I mostly focus on the idea of skin cancer. I have been seeing a psychologist for CBT and while in the sessions everything he says sounds logical and makes perfect sense. However, the second I encounter a mole I feel looks suspicious I don't apply what I've learned in therapy and I do everything wrong. I start by googling my symptoms and then when that doesn't work, I go to my doctor to seek reassurance. This assuages my fears temporarily but sometimes its not enough until the doctor will agree to a biopsy. Then inevitably the cycle continues. + +My psychologist has been doing this therapy with me for months and I was doing so well until I tried testing myself and found a new mole. I was definitely not ready for it and this started a downward spiral where I feel like all the progress I made went by the wayside and I was back to how I was in the beginning. + +Today I had a session after my most recent urgent care & doctor visit. The tone was a lot different this time and I can tell he's frustrated with me because I am not using his advice. He kept saying, ""I am sorry that I haven't been able to get through to you to help you."" and has pointed out that I am not doing the work of not giving into my compulsions. He said that he didn't want to make me go through therapy if I wasn't motivated to do the work to get better. He's totally right. + + +The positive that came out of this is that I am reflecting on my lack of motivation to do what I know I need to do to get better. I feel like I can prove myself to him from this point forward but I don't know that he's willing to continue treating me. Hopefully this next appointment isn't him telling me its the last one. Anyway, thank you for reading!",Anxiety +34010,"Meningitis Hi Reddit, +For a week now I've had a stiff neck, this has been accompanied by cold hands and feet and random pains in my limbs, I also got off an antibiotic a week ago for a tooth infection. Headache has not been present, maybe just a mild one occasionally, have mostly just been a little drowsier than normal. Could this be meningitis? Getting pretty anxious. +",Anxiety +35537,"Thyroid cancer? Lymphoma? Random infection? I'm a 21 year old male. + + 20 days ago I started feeling pain in the lower right part of my throat right above my collarbone. Halfway through the week I noticed a lump was there and made an appointment with my doctor. Doctor sent me for an ultrasound and found a 3cm lump in my neck but couldn't make out what exactly it was, so I was sent for a CT scan. The CT scan results showed that this tumor was near a muscle and lymph node. It looked suspicious to her and she also saw 2 other minor swollen lymph nodes so she referred me to a much better hospital (Vanderbilt) so that they could do their own tests. + +That was 12 days ago. This past Friday I had a fine needle biopsy done on the lump and got the results back yesterday. Apparently cancer wasn't detected and bacteria wasn't either but I did see something about 2+ polys. The test was essentially inconclusive but whatever it was it looked ""infectious"" and ""something on the uncommon side"", according to my doctor. + +My doctor was going to prescribe me Augmentin but since I am allergic I was prescribed Clindamycin. He wants to try me on that for a week and see if it helps. However, the day after the biopsy was done I have started experiencing slight pain right under my adam's apple when I yawn or look down. Seems like there is a bump there too. I let my doctor know this yesterday but he still wants to go through with the antibiotic for a week to see if anything changes. + +I don't really notice any other symptoms. I think my mouth has been a bit more dry as of late but nothing crazy. I was pretty worried early on but started to get over it until this other lump showed up. Wouldn't the CT scan from just over a week ago detected this new lump? I feel like I should be relieved that they didn't find anything malignant but I'm also worried that maybe they missed it or didn't get a proper reading. I have all the trust in the world in this hospital but my nerves are getting the best of me. Sorry if this is kind of all over the place. ",Anxiety +34989,"Uncomfortable stomach and tiny rash on neck So for the past two days I’ve woken up with my stomach feeling somewhat uncomfortable with a little bit of nausea, no pain or cramps. I also noticed a tiny rash on my neck that’s extremely itchy, there is a chance I have gerd so it could just be that but the rash is scaring me.",Anxiety +481,I don't know why he's so restless today,Anxiety +52548,"How I am *almost* over my Health Anxiety Quick intro: +3 years a go I had an incident in the shower that mimicked a stroke. I came out of it unharmed but it messed me up psychologically. Ever since then my body takes any feeling it gets and goes into panic mode. Now i hate driving, i hate taking a shower, i hate exercising. You name it, if i makes me hot, i get anxious. At onc point i was so anxious showering i had to sit down and hold on for dear life the entire time i was in there. + +Now i'm about 80% over it. and form my experience the only way over it - is to go through it. And what i mean by that is you need to face this demon head on. I know its the last thing you want to hear but trust me. If you never face it you will be running forever. + +However it will take time for your brain to rewrite its default path ways. So at the moment the default behavior is fear, and to curl up and say please dont hurt me. So your brain interprets it as a threat and will spiral out of control causing all sorts of symptoms the worst of which being a panic attack. + +Now next time you start getting the fear coming on try this instead. Say to your fear out loud ""Just kill me then"" ""Bring it on"" ""Lets see what you can do"" and taunt your fear and let what ever you think is going to happen happen. by wanting the what ever it is you are afraid of to happen will make the fear vanish. + +Another thing to think. If you were to say have a heart attack it would just happen... whether you worried or not. Worrying isnt going to some how miraculously save you. + +At my lowest - the turning point for me was when i just thought i'd rather be dead than to feel like this anymore. and from then on i basically laid down my life to my fear and said just kill me. Kill me now or shut the fuck up. I needed to hit rock bottom so I could rebuild my brain the right way. and for a few weeks i just kept saying ""Kill me now or shut up"" over and over until my brain started using the new default behavior. + +It can take months to retrain your brain and then add years on that to fully forget. but this is what is working for me. + +TLDR: Taunt your fear. egg it on. call it out. ask it to do its worst even if it kills you. Let it flow through you and out the other side I bet nothing bad happens + +TLDR 2: If you were going to die it would just happen... whether you worried or not. Worry isnt going to some how miraculously save you",Anxiety +52923,"Has anyone tried EMDR therapy? I just started. If so, what are your thoughts? I like it so far but mostly just because it triggers my ASMR. + +Did you have success?",Anxiety +19,"If the guy is sick, the girl actually feels sick indirectly. He must be feeling restless and restless. :')",Anxiety +486,"Everything feels so short and for now starting to be afraid to lose, starting to feel anxious about various things, somehow if it really happened",Anxiety +52440,"Job anxiety Hi everyone! +I'm writing here because I have pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks and recently I got a job. I've been on the job for about a week now. Even tough I don't see myself on this job in the future and I don't really like it , I really need money so I had to work until I find what I like. While It hasn't been terrible I get anxiety attacks almost daily, sometimes there is nothing to trigger them, they just come. + +If anyone here is in simmilar situation please tell me how you manage? I really don't want to embarass myself but sometimes I can't control all that anxiety. I take xanax sometimes but I don't want to do it daily.",Anxiety +34263,"Pain between eyebrows For a while now, I have been experiencing pain right where my eyebrows meet. +It gets worse when I look down, but I can feel it when I am not looking down, too. +It is not very sever, but it is annoying, has anyone experienced something similar, or knows what it is? +I am unfamiliar with this subreddit, so if this is not the right place for such a thing, please inform me.",Anxiety +710,Why are you so restless?,Anxiety +534,"When nervous is worse, it turns out that it's better to be told to wait than to be messed up like this",Anxiety +79,There will always be calm in the midst of restlessness,Anxiety +34180,"Want to go to hospital but have no insurance. Lately I’ve been feeling ill for the past 4 weeks constant headaches , poor balance , fatigue , weak , poor concentration, trouble breathing ..etc I feel like I’m very ill but I can’t go to doctor or hospital because it’s really expensive and at 21 I don’t have that $ to go , I feel like something really bad gonna happen to me since I feel faint . What should I do . I live in California also.",Anxiety +35402,"Would rather die from almost anything than a heart attack Not sure why, can anyone relate? I’ve had over 100 panic attacks related to my heart and I just can’t get past the feeling of having a heart attack and knowing death is just around the corner. I would rather die in an explosion or something than have to experience an actual heart attack...",Anxiety +34701,Nodule in neck So I've had this bump under my skin near my jaw for about 6 months now. I went to the doc a few months ago and was told to come back if it doesn't go away. It didn't disappear so I returned and was scheduled for an ultrasound on my neck. The doc then sent me to get a CT scan of it. I'm worried that I've got cancer or something. I realize the odds are slim but it's still getting to me. I hope I'm over reacting. ,Anxiety +35195,"Daily headaches... Anyone else deal with these. Can't stand it, I feel like my fucking head it going to pop. A lot of pressure behind my left eye and top of head. Multiple tests and blood work and everything comes back normal... ",Anxiety +35004,"Tingling left chin and other parts - should I be concerned? Hi guys, + +So straight into it - I was stressing (panic attack probably) about my brother’s health (He got Leukaemia a few years ago) because I had thought it had came back. Also been pretty depressed thinking about in the past 2 months (never knew how bad it was). + +Now when I was worried about this, I felt a tingling sensation on my left chin. This was around two weeks. Maybe 4 times or so this has happened, however recently it feels like it has been more recurring (not sure if focusing on it has to do with it). I was super stressed thinking I’ve got cancer so I got my CBC, which there was no issue with. + +Now I went to the dentist today and told him about the tingling. He said to me to get an x-ray and he really wasn’t sure why it was like that. My wisdom teeth had came through and he was pretty stern on me getting it checked. That scared me a decent amount, he said that x-ray will show what the problem is. + + +Since this ordeal and getting the all clear after the CBC, I will get random tingling throughout my body for a few seconds in small sports it goes away. (As soon as I move my limb or finger, they go away) I’ve also been a bitch more itchy of late and get the occasional sharp pains. + + +However apart from this I’ve been fine (no other symptoms) Eating a lot, lots of energy, no headaches, not feeling tired, no blood in stool and no night sweats. I’m just concerned what this could be. Should I be concerned? + +Thanks guys love you all!",Anxiety +52427,"What was your longest spell of anxiety? Since a stomach issue and other health issues in december, i've been going through a nasty spell of agraphobia and anxiety, for 3 months, i've dropped all my hobbies, stopped going out and am stuck at home or working at home. I hate it, I am anxious everyday and cannot do anything atm. + +What was the longest you guys went through this, and how did you fight it?",Anxiety +35451,"Dont know whats wrong with me I really can't believe all of this is just anxiety. I did get told I had pots at the hospital. I remember this first starting when I was pregnant and I had a fear of hiv/aids all of a sudden. I have had 4 or 5 std tests (one I did myself) and they are all clean. + +Then I felt some lymph nodes. I thought I had + +cancer + + anemia, + +h ploy. + + candida + +low vitamin d levels, + +kept thinking I was having a heart attack + +&#x200B; + +vision problems + +I did get dx with low blood pressure. + +I get constant headaches/ dizziness when I lay down and try to sleep. I have to elevate my feet. + +&#x200B; + +skin issues (seb derm, melasma, food allergies, depersonalization derealzation everything feels like a dream + +mental health issues (racing thoughts in the morning) + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +I keep searching for THE ANSWER ^(tm) and it is just one rabbit hole after another. + +yes I did go thought something traumatic and no I couldnt turn the fear off. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +52200,"I hate my anxiety I'm saying it with all the bottom of my soul. + +I hate the person my anxiety has turned me into, I can't run (I loved to run), I can't leave my house without having a freaking panic attack, I can't go to the store without carrying my freaking backpack full of things that I have to have it in case I have a fucking panic attack, I can't watch the damn TV without some damn intrusive thought coming through, I can't go to the damn store because I think I'm going to have a heart attack,i won't let me help my mom get her medicine or help my sister run the supermarket because I keep thinking that something bad is going to happen when I leave the house. + +Yesterday I was feeling depressed, in fact I even thought about taking my life, but that's when a deep hatred came to me, it started as a little anger and now it has turned into an uncontrollable anger to kick something, I thought ""damn anxiety is getting me making me want to kill myself"" + +Good grief, I don't hate life, I love living, I want to live, I want to write a fucking book, I want to buy a decent computer, I'm having a panic attack that's pretty much subsided because right now I hate my anxiety.",Anxiety +487,Why am I getting anxious at the end of the day?,Anxiety +34505,"Hypochondriac seeking advice on visiting fiance in the hospital Hello there! I'm looking for advice on how to cope with a special situation. My fiance is admitted into the hospital ICU with the flu and pneumonia. I am flying out there to be with him, but I am so scared of the hospital and getting sick. His entire family has the flu as well. I want to be with him and by his side, but my anxiety is through the roof about it. I'm going to go because he needs my support but does anyone have any advice or coping skills to help me get through this? He might be there for multiple days and that thought is ruining me. I've always had bad experiences in hospitals like passing out, so my anxiety correlates the hospital with passing out, which is a big fear for me. I'm scared that something is going to happen to me while I'm there. I'm also scared of catching the flu myself. By the way, I have panic disorder, if you couldn't tell. I know I have to do this for him but I could really use some advice to help me survive. Thank you.",Anxiety +52252,"Leaxapro, Abilify and buspirone together? Has anyone taken all 3 of these? I have a panic and GAD and my doctor wants me to take all of these. Buspirone only as needed but I read it’s better to take it daily",Anxiety +51893,"Advice I’ve been dealing with some anxiety issues my whole life. I’ve had lots of trama and was diagnosed with ADHD as a young child. Never being able to focus and always the most loud and distributive( in school). I used to stay up at night as a kid because after watching the slightest scary movie I would be afraid. Anyways the point of the backstory is to give you a sense of who I was. Lately within the past year my anxiety has been through the roof. I find it very hard to focus and have lots of thoughts at once. Even some that just pop into my head. I can hear other peoples tone of voice. Not like big conversation. My anxiety was so high I was getting lots of physical symptoms heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath to which I thought I had a heart problem. So I went to the doctors and got all the tests and didn’t believe my heart was fine until I got the results. I thought about this everyday. To which now I think this might had been a delusion. My point is I’m very worried I’m developing Schizophrenia. My family does have a history of mental health issues.I know this post is confusing and if I’m worried about my mental health I should see a doctor. But I’m just looking for advice. + +**Edit** +I would like to add that for a long time when I went home after a long day I could not relax to fall asleep. My mind would be racing. The only way I could describe it is like a radio. In order to drown it out I would have to put on music to fall asleep.",Anxiety +52333,"Too Anxious to get a formal diagnosis and medication I've struggled with intense feelings of anxiety for years and years now. I hesitate to say that I have an Anxiety Disorder because I've never been diagnosed, but it affects my life so much that I can't be normal. I can't drive because I get too scared, I'm always terrified when I'm being driven around because I feel like we'll get into an accident or the police will pull us over, and I can't even call my family because phone calls scare me so much. I feel like I'm constantly living in fear, and I know that I want a diagnosis to help me know for a fact that this is what it is, and I really think that medication will help me. But I'm too scared to do it. I overthink about making appointments and if I have to call a doctor to make it, it's an absolute no-go. I don't know how I'm supposed to get help if I can't even take the first steps. I'm currently in therapy, which is amazing that I could even do it, and it's the first therapist that I've ever seen that I feel actually vibes with me, but I'm too scared to ask to try and get diagnosed. + + +Does anyone else struggle with this? And did anyone surpass this and end up getting the help they needed?",Anxiety +35579,"I have a ridiculous fear of HIV/AIDS Hey all, + +I just want to get this on paper (well, you know what I mean) + +I just found this community today, and I just want to express my irrational fear of getting HIV/AIDS. +So, today I was doing laundry (university dorms) and I realised there was some face towels from another person in the wash after I washed my clothes. + +I have a small cut on my hand and I for *god knows what reason* am afraid of getting HIV or full blown AIDS, because in my brain, I touched a facecloth of someone I don't know, and don't know their history (its a uni dorm so sexual activity is obviously bound to happen) + + + + +I sound so stupid but I *can't get rid of the thoughts* + + + + +Also, to add stupidity to this, I am **asexual** so that takes out a huge risk of getting it. I also don't do drugs. + + +How do I talk myself down out of this.",Anxiety +52377,"Inner Sanctuary of Peace Hello - this is a short story that at least for me, it was a great anxiety relief. If you like it, I will post more. + +Once upon a time in a serene village, nestled within a lush green valley, there lived a gentle, wise elephant named Elara. This village was known for its tranquility, as it was graced with a unique energy that seemed to ease the worries and stresses of all who lived there. + +One day, a young girl named Mia came to the village, seeking relief from her overwhelming anxiety. Upon hearing about Elara's wisdom, she ventured to the peaceful grove where the elephant resided. The moment Mia approached, she felt her heart rate slowing and her breath deepening. + +""Elara, I've heard of your wisdom and calming presence. Please, can you help me with my anxiety?"" Mia asked timidly. + +Elara looked at her with gentle eyes and replied, ""Of course, dear child. Sit down beside me, and let me share with you the secret to finding peace within yourself."" + +As Mia settled down, Elara began to tell her a story. + +""Long ago, our village was visited by a wise old monk. He too had experienced the tranquility of our valley and wished to uncover the source of this peaceful energy. He spent many days meditating under the ancient oak tree at the center of the village. Finally, he discovered the secret: within each of us exists a tiny, peaceful oasis, an inner sanctuary that remains untouched by the chaos of the world."" + +The wise elephant continued, ""To access this sanctuary, you must learn to quiet your mind and listen to the rhythm of your own breath. Begin by taking slow, deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. With each breath, imagine your worries dissolving into the wind, leaving only peace and tranquility behind."" + +Mia closed her eyes and followed Elara's guidance. As she inhaled and exhaled, she felt her anxiety ebbing away, replaced with a sense of calm and safety she had never known before. + +After some time, Mia opened her eyes and looked at the wise elephant. ""Thank you, Elara. Your words have brought me peace, and I will carry this lesson with me wherever I go."" + +As Mia prepared to leave, Elara touched her trunk gently to the girl's shoulder. ""Remember, dear child, your inner sanctuary is always within you. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or anxious, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and allow yourself to find refuge in the peaceful oasis of your heart."" + +With newfound strength and a heart filled with gratitude, Mia returned to her life, carrying the wisdom of Elara and the tranquility of the village with her. She had discovered the power of her inner sanctuary, and now, she was ready to face the world with courage and serenity.",Anxiety +35603,"Does fast or slow heart bpm correlate with heart problems? If you think you may be having heart issues, but the your heart rate is normal, this is probably a good sign, right? I would assume that if something is really wrong your heart rate would surely rise. ",Anxiety +34726,I have health anxiety I have health anxiety and think too much and my chest races and stuff,Anxiety +161,"Instead of getting calmer, this heart is getting more restless",Anxiety +52772,"I don't know if I can do this anymore I'm embarrassed to be alive. I am an absolute failure. + +The past 3 or so years I've been unemployed. You may think I'm so lazy which is fair. But I've been on medication that made me so numb it was impossible to care about anything. I couldn't sleep properly and had severe insomnia. How could I work like that + +Now I'm off of medication and my anxiety is 90000% worse. I somehow sleep longer. But get the worst intrusive thoughts to touch outlets to see if it will kill me or not. And gives me an adrenaline rush. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I at this point wish I wasn't even born. I was not meant for this life + +I can't function or hold a job. Is this really the rest of my life ro just be on disability. Because if thats the case I'd rather be gone",Anxiety +52337,"Please help, someone I severely messed up my mind smoking heavy pot at a young age 12-13 even though it always bugged me out. Fast forward I’m 27 with no job, I still live with my parents and I can’t problem solve or hold a conversation with anyone. + +All my friends are on the up and getting married while I’m here alone with severe anxiety. I want to end it but don’t know how to. Im 6 months sober and know I have permanently damaged my brain. Please help",Anxiety +52867,"Coping mechanisms for trigger scenario I've had nightmare neighbors which my housing have ignored for years the ball is finally rolling but I'm freaking out as they are having the housing officer in question and community officer who doesn't speak up about things they said that were incorrect previously to come for this talk, where were going to discuss their failings. + +Injustice and lying really trigger my anxiety and emotion regulation so I'm wondering what I could do in this meeting to relax? Right now all I can think of is music in one ear and camomile tea",Anxiety +557,"I don't know why. The body is limp, the brain is not clear, and the self is restless.",Anxiety +34580,"worried sick about vCJD 19/F. USA, California + +I feel like I fucked up so bad. Like yeah, hamburgers are arguably gross, but I always thought they were just bad for you nutritionally and that was a lot easier to dismiss than ""hey your burger might be harboring a death sentence"". I didn't learn about BSE/vCJD until a few months ago. I feel disgusting. The only beef I really ever ate was ground beef, whether it's from the store or from taco bell or some other burger joint. I ate ground beef frequently and carelessly. + +I have tiny muscle twitches frequently at night and it perpetuates my fear. What do you think the odds are that the beef I ate contained BSE? I'm reading that fast food ground beef uses the mechanically repurposed beef which is basically all the risk tissue smashed into a patty. I'm horrified and terrified. I have panic attacks nightly. I need help. Someone please talk about this with me",Anxiety +321,Tired of being restless every day :'(,Anxiety +52828,"Need Reassurance and potentially advice So in the space of 3 months i’ve gone from one of the most confident people you’d ever +Meet into a shell of myself due to health anxiety - + +I was having quite bad headaches so the doctor after saying Tension headaches, advised it may be sinusitis + +I have stopped and started antibiotics (had two/3 days) then stopped 3 times over the last few months due to then worrying about various things however I have Sinus pains and reoccurring Sinus/Ear symptoms that keep coming back - i’m feeling Tired all the time and just am feeling worse and worse + +My worry has always been what if its not a bacterial infection vs if it is + +I guess I just want to see if its worth letting my body try to fight this off despite how ill I’m feeling or if I should do a full dose of the Doxycycline I have been given - I just worry about the damage I may already have done to my body and if my body even needs the antibiotics + +Its so hard when you keep feeling more ill everyday but you don’t know the right path to go down",Anxiety +52394,Lamictal ? Anyone with good reviews about lamictal?,Anxiety +34984,"16 and worried about my weight I'm a 16 year old male and I've always been really underweight and I have a terrible diet, rarely eat fruit or veg. When I was 12 I was 4.5 stone, and now that I'm 16 I average at around 7 stone. Since I've always been underweight, I've never really worried about it but recently I've started to worry, it makes sense because of my terrible diet, and that I never exercise, but with all this anxiety about my health I've started to worry, is this something I should be worried about? Or is it as simple as eating healthier and getting more exercise, thanks. ",Anxiety +280,Say! Are you worried about your health? Any tips so you don't worry too much?,Anxiety +52004,"Rapid Heart Rate 24M, 6’ , 215 pounds +I have what I believe to be anxiety disorder. I almost always have some sort of anxiety. Sometimes I feel a little cloudy and maybe even a bit u stable on my feet. The worst is when I’ll be working; doing something minimally exhausting but my heart rate will raise to over 120 and then the panic ensues. The rapid rate can last hours. Maybe I am a hypochondriac and the more I think and check my pulse the worse it gets. Does anyone else have this happen? I have asked my doctor for a referral to a cardiologist just to be sure. I’m currently on no medication.",Anxiety +52057,,Anxiety +35646,"i need advice 17-Male here +Hi, so a week ago i woke up and my legs were tingling. I thought it was normal and it would go away but then hours went by and it was still there. I started panicking and googled my symptoms and regretted it instantly. I’m hypochondriac. Sometimes the tingling would spread to my arms and hands. When i start moving, the tingling stops. When i stop thinking about it, the tingling stops too. My right knee is kind of stiff too and before this tingling started my legs were stiff but this stiffness has been happening to me since years. I’m afraid of going to the doctor. Should i be worried about it? What should i do? It’s consuming me. ",Anxiety +35008,"Toenail Melanoma? This sounds so stupid, but I’m worried about toenail melanoma. I recently removed my nail polish and noticed that on one of my toenails, a little less than half of it is a light brown color. The pigment starts from the edge of the nail so it’s not a sole brown line. It just looks like half of my nail lengthwise is a darker shade. For reference I am under 30 and darker-skinned, and I’m fairly sure I’ve had this pigmentation for awhile and it’s been noticed by my derm, but since I’ve had my nails painted I’m worried that somehow it changed or it looks different than I remember. + +I know it’s more common on the thumbs, index fingers, big toes - and it’s not on either of those. My two pinky toenails also currently have some brown pigmentation basically covering the whole nail. In all three toenails have some funky darker pigmentation going on right now. Admittedly this has been the first time I’ve cut my toenails in a little over a month so they were long. I also tend to wear heels frequently so I’m not sure if this pigmentation is more trauma based? + +I’ve been to the derm a few times in the past year for cancer/mole related concerns so I’d hate to keep going back. Any thoughts?",Anxiety +34514,"fear of rabies hi, i'm new to this subreddit but i've been lurking it for a while so i figured i'd give this a shot instead of other forums. i've been a hypochondriac since i was little but it's been kind of getting worse with age. now something new and exciting has hit me super hard and super fast; rabies! + +it comes and goes and my ocd (a whole other animal) makes it worse, but right now it's at one of its peaks. long story short, my (HEALTHY, VACCINATED) dog scratched me and since then the spot on my wrist where it's at has had an internal tickling sensation and, to make matters worse, when i get nervous my throat gets tight and i feel like i can't swallow. i feel like i'm fully going crazy. + +i love all my dogs but due to all of this i can't even bear to be around them anymore. i just sit around and cry all day on the lookout for symptoms and trying to come down from all this anxiety and it's almost like i can't trust myself to ""know"" that i didn't contract anything. like 'i KNOW it's all in my head but HOW DO I /REALLY/ KNOW?' or 'WHAT IF ITS REAL THIS TIME' or something. + +i'm starting to feel hopeless and like i'll never calm down again. i feel really dumb and embarrassed because i definitely know better but i just... like won't listen to my better judgement. my family and friends are sick of me being such a mess and that makes me feel bad too. + +sorry if this is long or rant-y or hard to follow; this has really gotten under my skin (pun kind of intended). can anyone relate or offer some advice? if you've had the same problem, what did you do? i'm kind of super at the end of the rope with this lmao",Anxiety +35187,"DAE get bruises that just pop up and you don't know where they came from? I noticed a big one today on the side of my elbow on my right arm, then a couple smaller ones on the front of my other arm, then a couple more on my right arm again.",Anxiety +51895,"Anxiety has ruined my life... I need some advice/help (Gonna be a little long, gonna rant a bit) + +Little back story, 20-year-old male, no past history of major anxiety other than flying on planes etc.. + +Last year from January to April was feeling the best I have ever felt in my life! worked out 6-7 days a week, confidence was high, and not a care in the world. I would say around May, I started getting increasingly fatigued every day. As the days went on, it felt like I was detached from reality. By the end of the year, I felt so detached, fatigued, and had major brain fog. I have a small bump on the back of my head, it doesn't hurt, I got it checked out and the doc said it could be a skull deformity. I dont believe her. I convinced myself that I had something wrong with me, and I went down the rabbit hole of self-diagnosing by reading google (i know worst idea ever). I could only function to the fraction I could before my snapping point. I felt so depolarized and had no energy at this point. I convinced myself I had a chronic illness that I was going to die from (I still belive this), I got every scan and lab work done. Nothing came of it. I had no idea what was causing all of these symptoms. Fast forward to January, I started a very stressful college class. It is an intensive academy-type class. I thought I had my stress pretty well controlled but in February I had my first panic attack ever. Went to school that day feeling fine, didn't eat breakfast, but drank 180mg of caffeine (I usually have \~300mg a day). During the afternoon portion of the class, I felt this sense of impending doom, and shortness of breath and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. For 2 hours my HR was in the \~130s. I had no Idea what was going on and felt like I was gonna die. So my teacher wanted me transported to the ER, My EKG came back normal, sinus tachycardia (fast heart rate). They pulled labs and everything was normal except for low magnesium and potassium. They gave me some fluids and discharged me. For the next few days my heart rate was a constant 120 even when resting and my anxiety was through the roof! It sucked! My doctor then prescribed me Lexapro, and man oh man, hats of to anyone that could get through that first phase of Lexapro. It trashed me, constant panic attacks, SOB, tingling, the whole 9 yards. I stopped after 5 days due to the fact that I didn't want to be tied to a pill at such a young age. Since my panic attack, Ive had constant anxiety. Im having anxiety about things Ive never worried about before! it sucks! Its like I have to experience all these things over again (like driving) to tell myself there is nothing to be anxious about. Ill also be sitting in the most comfortable place in my house, not stressed at all, then my heart rate will kick off to the \~120s for the whole day. Do you guys experience this? I also feel like I'm having heart palpitations. It feels like my heart is in my throat and I can't catch my breath. It sucks! Every time I stand up my heart rate jumps. It takes a long time for me to calm down and convince myself I'm not dying. I know my case is minor to some cases Ive read but damn Im having a hard time with this. Im in constant fear and anxious about having another anxiety attack and passing out. Im trying everything I can before I commit to an antidepressant. Im trying L theanine, Ashwagandha, and magnesium. I got prescribed adarax but it doesn't seem to help like ativan does. I just want my old life back. Is this normal? Does it get better? will it be like this forever? how did you guys get over your anxiety? tips? medications? Thank you all for taking time and reading my post I really appreciate it. I just really need some help...",Anxiety +34824,"Being persistent with doctors or accepting the 'health anxiety' label and just accepting it? Whats your opinion. So to start off i'm a binge drug user so i occasionally binge on most things meth cocaine heroin etc, so i recently developed health anxiety(apparently) along with lots of pricks and pains in my hands feet eyes pretty much anywhere really nothing chronic but enough to make me panic, so i'm wondering should i persist with doctors to fix this, or just deal with it. I'm so fed up with being afraid once i sat in the hospital emergency room parking lot snorting cocaine waiting for my heart to mess up so they could figure out the problem and fix it(I know that is dumb lol). Just getting desperate and annoyed. Also along with health anxiety my drug use now is almost 0 due to the fear, maybe a good thing? Sure doesn't feel so.",Anxiety +34122,"Seeing floaters when I walk into a dark room. Am I going blind? This is a new onset for me. As for everyone, it takes a few minutes to get used to being in a dark room, but lately I see floaters while my eyes adjust. Is this normal? I'm nearing my 30's so I don't know if this is just a normal part of me getting older or if I'm going blind. + +My dad lost his eyesight due to diabetes (I am not diabetic), so it makes me worry a little. My husband assures me this is normal. ",Anxiety +678,Ya Allah can't sleep I'm so worried,Anxiety +6,"I feel scared, anxious, what can I do? And may my family or us be protected :)",Anxiety +187,"I swear I'm so nervous, why don't you",Anxiety +34903,"Worried about salivary gland cancer So i’m 24 year old male. I’ve had a swollen salivary gland (2,5cmx2cm?) right below my left ear ) for a couple of years. I’ve visited couple doctors in these past years, i have had an ultrasound done ,a couple times and a MRI. Doctors keep saying everything is normal. + + I’m not sure if it has grown, but the size has stayed the same for at least 6 months i think? + +So my question is, what else could this be then this cancer? Should i be worried? ",Anxiety +52236,crazy feeling anxiety attack i’ve had a couple anxiety attacks recently that really freaked me out they start in the middle of the night and most the time from me becoming super aware of my teeth then i spiral and have incoherent thoughts or like the same sentence just playing over and over in my head words stop making sense and my body feels like a machine i become hyper aware of my breathing and it doesn’t feel right when it first happened i swear a past out and got transported to a astral plane or something like some tool album cover shit recently have been feeling like nothing is really real and just a result of chemical reactions in my brain yfm has anyone else felt this way too,Anxiety +52953,"Mood tracking apps I've got therapy starting up soon and I have bad mood swings but I forget them a lot too and I need to track them. + +Does anybody know good app that lets you put more then one mood in a day?",Anxiety +34164,"Light-headedness A few days ago I did a pass out challenge. I know, it's incredibly stupid but after seeing almost all my friends perform it and describe it as pleasant I decided to try it. I experienced what I believe to be a euphoric high and then I regained consciousness. However, the lightheadedness from performing it never faded. Anyone got any ideas? +To help: +To perform it you need to hyperventilate for 30 seconds then hold your breath whilst someone pushes hard against your chest.",Anxiety +35770,"Does anyone get health anxiety about a loved one or pet? I can’t live like this. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and all I am is constantly scared to lose it. My mom got breast cancer this year. It was caught early and is hopefully treatable. But it’s sent my already anxious mind into a tailspin!!!! I can’t stop reading sad stories and looking over at the love of my life, laying in bed next to me, and imagining him withering away of cancer. I freak out if he has a headache (or myself). Ask him to check his testicles all the time. I’m trying so hard to live in the moment because I’m so scared of the mortality of life but it’s causing me to panic about living in the moment. +Does this make sense to anyone? Like I feel this urgent need to get married, book plan tickets, just anything to start ticking off the things I want to do “in case something bad” is about to happen. +I find myself in these deep dark holes. +My beloved rescue cat, she’s only 4, I found a black lump on her chin. Immediately googled and found cat skin cancer. Couldn’t sleep. Was in a full-on panic, cried, lamented the unfairness of losing a young pet. Turns out it was cat acne. Lol wtf. Seriously. +Oh and I have this tiny black dot under my toenail, my doctor brushed it off but referred me to a dermatologist (for unrelated reasons) and said they would look at it. Well, I’m convinced it’s subaungal melanoma. It’s sunny out so I walked around the house barefoot today. The black dot just looked at me. I googled. Melanoma can spread as quickly as 6 weeks. Well TOO BAD MY DERM. APPT ISNT FOR 8 WEEKS. That’s just great. +Okay, rant over. I’m so tired of living with constant anxiety that some kind of ball is about to drop.",Anxiety +494,"Nurture your own mind, don't be anxious and nervous, because by His side are calm souls.",Anxiety +34290,"Im scared of car rides Kinda sound weird but ive gotten into too many car crashes in the past 3 months (not because of me, i was the passenger). I cant just get into a car for a ride without worrying that someone is gonna hit me. When im on freeways i get too scared because cars arent braking at the right time i want them to, cars are too close, were going too fast. +I hate how scared i get, is there anything i can do about it? Is anyone else like this? How do they deal with it ? Probably sounds a bit crazy idk but i hate it, i worry too much when im in a car",Anxiety +34307,"Been sick since Sunday, worried I have pneumonia Well, here we go. On Sunday I started feeling something in my throat, and the next morning I woke up feeling like total shit. Muscle aches, sore throat, all the fun stuff. My entire family has it now. No fever though. Now, I feel almost fine, but my throat fucking HURTS. Whenever I breath in deep or swallow I can feel it all along my throat into my chest, like right under my sternum. I'm not wheezing or anything, and I occasionally have a cough that brings up phlegm, but there's no blood in it or anything, it's kind of a greenish brown color. The cough hurts my throat as well. + +I'm just worried I'm dying of pneumonia or something. I've heard people say you definitely know when you have it because you get ridiculously sick, but I'm still worried :/ I called my doctor and they only have an opening today at 3, which I can't find a ride to get to. The next opening was Tuesday. Could I go to urgent care? + +If anyone has any advice, that be awesome. I just need some piece of mind.",Anxiety +34492,"Oral cancer biopsy My dentist found a lump waaay back at the base of my tongue and I will have to have it biopsied next week. + +I’m stressed - help! :( this is torture waiting for the appointment. ",Anxiety +52768,"I accidentally wore white to a wedding and can't stop shame-spiraling -- Self-forgiveness with anxiety Yesterday I attended my boyfriend's cousin's wedding and wore a short cream-colored dress with a black pattern. The color literally did not occur to me when I got dressed. I picked it because I felt bloated and it was flowy, and that's as far as my brain got. + +At the reception, my boyfriend's mom spilled red wine on my dress. As I tried to dab out the stain, I caught myself saying ""see, this is why I never wear white""--and then it hit me. I spiraled into an anxiety attack and left the reception to go back to my hotel to change. I felt like such an asshole, such an idiot, and I still can't shake that feeling. + +I sat in the second-to-last row at the ceremony, at the very end of the row away from the aisle -- thank God. It was a casual wedding. People were there in jeans. No one said anything to me. And it was genuinely an accident. A very stupid accident. But it was also my first time meeting my boyfriend's extended family, and I'm now convinced they all hate me. I can't think about anything else. I feel like such a fuckup, like I'm a bad person. + +Logically, I know it's not the end of the world. I know if THAT was my biggest asshole move in recent memory, I'm doing OK. But I don't FEEL any of that. Self-forgiveness seems truly impossible with anxiety sometimes.",Anxiety +52066,"What are your triggers? I know my anxiety triggers are these. Pretty much everything else will not do anything to me. + + +* Biggest one right now are doctors, medical. Get really anxious, blood pressure and BPM go up. +* Next in line is testing... I don't take tests now, but I get really anxious. I stare around, sweat a little. And then when the test is over, nothing. +* It is hit or miss, but if I have a presentation or in front of people, get real nervous. Remember bombing for one performance where I just stood there... one time. +* Get nervous around attractive people for some reason. Yea. + + +... It is interesting... but these don't normal trigger. + + +* I am fine in crowds or social situations. Maybe I have trained myself to avoid the triggers +* Stressful work situations, I usually handle these ok, interviews? Etc + +Anyways, I wish I could tackle those above.. and I would be good. But I have found nothing...",Anxiety +34768,"Blood Pressure This is for anyone with high blood pressure or blood pressure anxiety. In the past year, I've gained some weight and become a lot more sedentary. My bp about 2 months ago was around 130/82. The past few weeks I've been experiencing some pressure in my ears and throbbing eardrum. I visited my doctor and my BP reading was first 150/95 and before I left 145/89. She wants me to log my blood pressure and return it to her after about two weeks. What I'm curious about is, to be diagnosed with high blood pressure, does it have to stay elevated above 120/80 all the time or if it gets up to higher than 120/80 often it's considered high blood pressure? How exactly is high bp diagnosed? Is this something can kill me soon or is it a risk for the future? I'm a (27m) a little overweight. ",Anxiety +35391,"Do you ever just feel one lymph node? Then you feel more and more? Seems like it’s common for someone to feel lymph nodes unilaterally, especially on the neck. In my case it has always been the right side of my neck. +I’ve felt one below my lower right jaw for several years. + +I started feeling again and finding more and they’re all on the right side still. A nice little stiff one around the posterior cervical area. Then today I found a pretty big soft one in the supraclavicular area (feels very long and narrow like an oversized Mike n Ike). Now I’ve freaked myself out. + +I was never worried about my lymph nodes until now since I’ve been able to feel more of them in a descending pattern on one side only. I suppose the good thing is that they’re not big enough that you could see the lumps in a picture or mirror. + +I seldom have an intense itch attack on my lower legs and abdomen. I’d say just a few occasions every couple months, brought on by some physical activity. Last stomach itch I remember happened after a bike ride at night in the summer. + +Edit: Had a pretty intense scratching session on my calf after I said this. + +Night sweats have happened but are rare as well. They always seem to happen when I cover myself up in a certain throw blanket, so I switched to a more silky blanket and reduced the problems. + +Thinking way too ahead now, I know most common lymphomas are treatable but it’s a matter if my insurance will cover the treatment and what I must do if they won’t. I *could* just hope it’s nothing though instead of stressing about potentially nonexistent financial burdens. ",Anxiety +33955,"I think I have bone cancer Im 20 years old (male) and im 6' 3"" 170 lbs + +Let me start of by saying that for most of my life i think i have symptoms and i think im gonna die everytime untill i finally go to the doctor aand find out its some minor problem. + +Ok so in spring of 2015 i noticed the muscle above my knee was twitching a lot so i got into the habit of feeling that area every day until i noticed a hard lump developing on my bone. I was CERTIAN i had bone cancer until i found out i had osteochondroma wich is a benign tumor and not life threatining. I decided not to have it removed. + +Two years later (this last summer) i started have muscle twitches all over my body. Those lasted like 5 months and they still happen occasionally but mostly they've been replaced by painful/tender spots on various bones in my body including my spine. + +Anyways the bones in my feet hurt a lot and in my hands. Butttt basically every bone in my body has a spot where it hurts. + +My pee also started burning last summer and i was tested for various STDs and the doctor just kinda brushed it off just like he did with all of the other symptoms im describing. And idk if this is related but ive been constipated for 11 days but i can go with laxatives. + +I usually go to the gym but havent in a week in a half due to travel and ive actually gained 20 pounds (in muscle) over the last 6 months. + +What i really want to know is there ANY possibility that this isnt serious? + +And for those wondering i'm going to the doctor to get this checked out as soon as im back in town. + +Also i stopped taking my adhd meds about a month ago that id been taking for 5 years",Anxiety +52455,"Anybody else get intense left chest pain from panic attack? That also radiates to left shoulder blade ? After tests and every thing coming back normal, my doctor told me they are panic attacks . Can’t believe you can get intense left side chest pain like that.",Anxiety +35864,"Cervical cancer scare I am scared that I'll have cancer. I used to have abnormal paps but the last 2 which was done 3 years ago was normal. I just did one 5 weeks ago and my doctor called me today to tell me I was high grade and needed to go for a colposcopy. I'm so upset and can't stop crying or worrying. I don't know what to do to feel better. What if in those 3 years it has developed to a stage of cervical cancer or something? + +Im so mad at myself for having unprotected sex when I was younger. I love my boyfriend so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have kids. And I'm probably overreacting but what if I can't have kids or live a long happy life? I'm type 1 Diabetic as well and possibly have PCOS. I live a very healthy lifestyle and it all seems like such a waste right now. I just wish this was all a bad dream. + +Have any of you have similar experience? Any advice would help.",Anxiety +52655,"Not doing too good this morning… Slept maybe an hour last night. Too stressed over going into the office today. I only go in once a week, but I hate it. I feel like I’m going to throw up any minute and feeling super light headed. Feel like calling in but I didn’t go in last week either because I had an appointment. Anxiety over going in and anxiety over calling out… 😅",Anxiety +399,"It's been about 5 years (mid 2016) for the last time I felt this feeling of anxiety and lack of motivation. Now it appears again. Oh my God, what should I do..",Anxiety +35629,"Tips for letting things go? TLDR at end + +I am 17, recently coming off a fear of +having visual snow. I had read about it and essentially convinced myself that I had it. I am no longer anxious about that however, and I am now on a depersonalization scare. I have had HA for a few years, all over things that haven’t been problems. Recently, for about a week, I have been afraid that I have depersonalization disorder. I don’t have the same symptoms, and I don’t truly believe I have that disorder, but sometimes when I think about it (the disorder) or when I think about the fact that something could be wrong with me, everything feels surreal for a few seconds. I have wierd thoughts where I think “I’m actually here and doing things”. This can often happen after i have been on my phone for some time, or when I have been distracted and I snap out of it. I believe it is just snapping back to reality, and my brain has taken this and made it into a problem. I’m pretty sure everyone experiences this from time to time, but since my brain thinks it’s a problem whenever I think about it I feel that feeling. I realize it could also just be an awareness of how many things I do without really thinking about it every day, like tying my shoes, and my brain thinks that because I am not truly thinking about what I am doing I am depersonalize. In conclusion, do you guys have any tips for realizing that you’re ok and letting things go? + +TLDR I have HA, feeling weird, I know nothing is wrong, how I do convince myself that I’m ok so i can forget?",Anxiety +702,"Oh God, why do I feel restless and uneasy?",Anxiety +52723,"I’m losing my mind, I don’t want to die I’m a former alcoholic who has been experiencing very uncomfortable symptoms since I quit in October. Liver area pain, dizziness, no libido, orthostatic hypotension, heart rate spiking out of control. I think I have cirrhosis even though two GI docs who have seen me don’t think I do, i think they are overlooking my symptoms and misdiagnosing me. I have looked at the scans myself and I see pretty clear signs of cirrhosis. + +I just don’t know what to do. I’m about to send my scans to a second opinion radiology service online, but I can’t bring myself to do it because I don’t want to find out I have cirrhosis. + +I had so much going for me, I have one more year of medical school and now all those dreams are gone. I’m never going to be a doctor. My physical symptoms aren’t getting better. My only relief now is when I take a Xanax at night or when I’m asleep. + +When I’m asleep in my dreams I am doing the things I love, living my life carefree, then I wake up and am faced with the reality that I’m going to die of liver disease because I couldn’t stop drinking. I hate myself so much.",Anxiety +35355,"I (F24) Haven't had a checkup in 12+ years; I have one today and I'm freaking out The title pretty much says it all. +I've never posted here, but I was hoping maybe for some tips on what I should expect and how I can make the appointment smoother for myself and the doctor. +Anything is appreciated +",Anxiety +587,Looking for a job and the prospect of becoming unemployed makes me nervous ”,Anxiety +34773,"Does anyone else have pelvic floor pain after multiple ejaculations in a short period of time. Lately I masturbated two times in a short period of time (within about 1 hour I guess) after the first ejaculation I had no pain in my lower area. But after the second time I had a little bit of pain in my pelvic floor area for about 30-45 minutes. + +As far as I remember this happend to me when I usually was ""younger"" (I’m 21 now) as well when I masturbated a lot in a short period of time but since I had no HA back then I didn’t stress about it. + +I just wanted to know if this happens to any of you guys as well and if it is normal.",Anxiety +35509,"freaking out about stomach issues. so two months ago, I was feeling this weird burning/cramping sensation in my stomach and was prescribed omeprazole and took that for about three or four weeks. + +the pain went away and then two months later, I found myself feeling the same thing again. + +I would feel a pain/nauseous feeling when I get hungry, get full easily after one bite, and would feel nauseous again after eating. + +I'm not sure what is going on, I have a doctor's appointment this tuesday but cannot seem to stop thinking about worse case scenario.",Anxiety +558,"Some days feel different, I don't know what it feels like to be restless",Anxiety +35414,"Cannabis Carts are publicly known to have pesticides in them recently and I just found out I really hope I’m in the right place for this +I’m a 20 year old male 6’2” 140lbs and I have smoked no less than 3 and no more than 6 grams of the cartridge brands in question in the last 3 months. I have been having occasional random (brief) pains in various places on my chest and stomach. My left arm also has felt “tingly” but hasn’t actually gone to sleep. These symptoms have been going on for 2 weeks. I have thrown away the cart (as of yesterday) but I keep reading and seeing stuff about heated pesticides being like “nazi gas” and I have been dealthy afraid of whats going to happen to me. I can’t tell my family because they don’t know I smoke anymore (after getting in trouble 3 years ago and “stopping”. KARMA right) I don’t really know what my question is, I’m just unable to focus on my schoolwork or home life because I’m constantly thinking about my body and listening for a warning bell that this is gonna be the pain that sends me to the hospital. Can I detox without going to a doctor and be okay??",Anxiety +94,"How worried am I? *asked my other self. Until it was sent, sustenance had a good friend. Moved",Anxiety +52748,"anxiety destroyed my life. im already dead i used to be cool and popular and girls would even msg me out of the blue on fb, 10 years later... + +i have no family, 0 friends, 0 relationships and can't hold a job. + +im gonna be 24 this year for christ sake and i can't do anything. + +i want to end my life but im scared of the pain, i wish i had a gun or atleast a for sure method. + +im not scared of dying im scared of the pain moments before",Anxiety +34311,"Testicular cancer About a year ago I noticed a lump on top of my testicle. Two urologist vists later. I was told he's 99% sure it's appendicitis of the teste because there's no blood flow it the lump. My concern is that it's cancer because that testicle is larger and thicker then my other and it occasionally becomes very sore after masterbation, thoughts? + +Edit: it should also be noted I'm 18 years old ",Anxiety +34561,"Stomach ulcer concerns Been anxious for a while about this. I fear I have a stomach ulcer. + +To keep things, I will have random spasms across the abdomen with a sense of feeling hungry at night. Sometimes dull pain will be there and I belch often enough. I can get gassy but it is not prominent. + +It isnt a burning pain and it doesnt interrupt my sleep. I will feel nauseous after eating at times but not always. + +Stools are fairly normal. Light brown that sinks. + +No vomitting as of yet. Fatigue nothing out of the ordinary. I will feel some sort of ache on the breastbones, arms and knees but the latter two not every day. + +I will have lower back pain - but only at my job that requires a lot of standing and easily relieved with exercise. I do not have back pain at home or when moving. Only by standing at work + +Am I being a nervous Nick or os there genuine concern to be had? + + + + +",Anxiety +51917,"Hiv anxiety I had gone to a barber 34 days back for a hair cut.And while cutting my hair, he put a towel on my neck and stopped it with a pin.But that pin stuck on my neck,Now I am afraid that can I get HIV from that pin?2 people had also got their hair cut before me and I do not recognize those people.Or if that barber has HIV and he pricks that pin on his finger and my nick at the same time?Nowadays I get sweaty while sleeping at night.And there are small nodes on my neck, when I touch I can feel those nodes.",Anxiety +35632,Anxiety about going blind? I keep convincing myself I’m going blind and keep focusing on my vision and convincing myself somethings wrong. Anybody else have experience with this?,Anxiety +35242,"If I had headaches that came on, but have now dissapeared, should I not be worried? Hi everyone, + +I had headaches last weekend that lasted for a few days. They were pretty bad, around the forehead area and came on in the mornings and evenings on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They pretty much went away from like Monday to Thursday, except for a dull feeling, but now that is gone as well. So should I be worried of something such as a brain tumor? I was diagnosed with an ear infection but I am taking antibiotics. + +I haven't really had any other issues. I have been stressed about my short term memory, but I am able to recall stuff well but I sometimes forgot about tasks I need to do. I do have ADHD so I believe this is the cause, but I tend to remember the tasks. I also have some moments where I am zoning out because I am thinking so much, but this only happens when I am in front of a computer and I am usually able to recognize that I am not paying attention and snap out of it, so I dont believe I am having seizures.",Anxiety +34202,"Fear of TIA To preface this I have a long history with hypochondria, I have for years and it was getting better but recently it's been worse. I haven't had the outbursts I used to have but I guess that's because I keep it to myself + +Basically after walking home today I sat down and watched my laptop on my bed as I usually do, and my mum called, but when speaking to her it felt like I couldn't get the right word out, constantly mixing up my words and such, and she was asking basic questions about the day + +Of course this lead to google and then the whole ""mini-stroke"" and it's just scary honestly. I didn't have any muscle weakness but I have a mild tension headache now (pretty sure it was brought on by the stress) + +I'm 16 if that helps. I know I'm making something out of probably nothing but that's just me ",Anxiety +52562,"scared to start meds / scared of feeling off +So i have been suffering from awful derealization/depersonalisation, anxiety, ocd, and panic attacks for a couple of years now but it’s always come and gone. Ever since last year after going through a traumatic event it’s shifted my entire life to now only being able to focus on my anxiety. there are days that i get better and days where i have bad flair ups. I actively go to therapy and have recently started seeing a psychiatrist and nutritionist to see if i could figure out how to solve all these issues especially the derealization as it causes me to feel so out of it and almost high 24/7 as it has been prevalent for the last year especially now. I have been prescribed zoloft before but I had the absolute worst adverse reaction to it and has made me terrified to start any ssris. Recently my psychiatrist had prescribed me prozac but my therapist and nutritionist advise me against it as they do not think that my case is that severe. Where I am currently having an issue with is the fact that my biggest fear/ocd trigger is not feeling normal such as the fear of weed and I typically stay away from alcohol as I do not like how i feel when I drink. I am so scared to start meds or even vitamins that contain magnesium because I am so afraid of the “high” feeling or derealization feeling but now don’t know where to go from here. If anyone has advice on how to get over this substance ocd I would greatly appreciate it.",Anxiety +108,I'm so nervous about what to do,Anxiety +93,"I'm nervous, when you come change anxiety and become anxious, I'm more worried. Tomorrow I will try to live without news from you again, quickly go away from my insincerity.",Anxiety +52619,"Not sure if I want to go to a friend's wedding One of my mates has invited me to his wedding and I'm not sure if I want to go. + +I really appreciate the invite and we were really good mates years ago but since 2018 I've not seen him too much since he moved away. + +The wedding is a good 7 hour drive away and I don't think I'll know many people at all. Just maybe two or three other mates I've met before, but no one else. I don't have a plus one or anyone to go with. + +I'm feeling a bit anxious about it and don't want to be a bad friend or let him down by saying no, but I have a feeling that if I go, I'll feel really awkward. Will be a lot of his and her family and I'll just be there not knowing anyone really at all. + +Also it's gonna be quite an expense in accommodation and travel expenses. I'm just torn what to do!",Anxiety +416,Why are you so restless,Anxiety +52743,"water slide this is going to sound so stupid lol but basically i am going to centre parcs with my boyfriend soon and he really wants to go on the tropical cyclone water slide. i have been on it twice, a couple months back at a different centre parcs and i was ok- i did panic and stop breathing the first time, the second time i only stopped breathing for a second lol. Anyways i’m basically asking for advice because I am so worried about this i’m losing sleep and i literally think about it everyday. on the bus a couple days ago my chest felt really heavy and my throat felt all small because I was just thinking about going on the slide. it’s so annoying as i don’t want to seem boring and i’ll be sad if i don’t go on it, however I am terrified! Not even that scared of the slide more scared of the panic. I hate my brain. Any advice?",Anxiety +705,"O Allah, remove the restlessness in my heart.",Anxiety +34555,"Possibly letting anxiety get to me? I am the type of poster that you will hate. I'm fully aware that I am 90% of the time just blowing everything out of the water with anxiety, it's been my MO for awhile. + +I was at a bar talking to some women when we had to run my cousin back across the street to the hotel due to him getting into arguments. When we came back there were shots on the table for us and I really remember almost nothing after that. The only thing I remember is being in a car with one of the ladies and that guy being really grabby from the backseat. + +Woke up at the lady's house the next morning and she dropped me off at my car. I've talked to her since and she's the guy did kiss me when we dropped him off. She said “you did get out to piss at one point and he followed you out. Don't know what happened but you were only gone about 45 seconds and didn't say anything when you got back in”. + +That was last Friday night/Saturday morning. It's not Sunday and I have been sick as fuck. Sore throat, head stuffed up, probably one of the worst coughs I've ever had. Obviously the first thing that comes to mind to me is HIV. As far as I've been told from her nothing happened that night aside from the kiss part. I have since noticed that the condom from my wallet is gone but that honestly could have been gone for awhile before hand. I may have just forgotten to replace it. I would think if anything else happened I would be a bit sore the next day. I obviously know nothing about this person so their status would be unknown to me. + +I know the general consensus will likely be that I am being overly anxious. But I know that I will not be able to calm down until I can be tested. Apparently HIV RNA tests are able to detect after 11 days? The only thing I can find about those is through this site: https://www.stdcheck.com/hiv-rna-test.php + +And I'm not sure how trustworthy that is. Thanks in advance!",Anxiety +35465,"Just a share I've been browsing here quietly for a good while and wanted to post just to share my HA experiences. + +I'm 29 - turning 30 at the end of the month - and have suffered from Health Anxiety for about 5 years now. My mom died from alcoholism when I was 16 so I think that is probably my gateway. In the last 5 years, I've had C. Diff from antibiotics, been diagnosed as hypothyroid (severely high untreated TSH after a pregnancy really caused some complications), had emergency surgery after gallstone induced pancreatitis (though I had pancreatitis and liver blockages multiple times throughout a year and a half and during a pregnancy which weren't ever caught because I lived so close and got to the ER too soon for anything to reflect in my lipase and liver tests) and now have tachycardia that may be P.O.T.S but am in the process of cardiologist appointments to nail down the issue. I'm also possibly bipolar after having been prescribed Paxil and it putting me into mania, though I stopped seeing my psychiatrist before he made a definitive diagnosis. Scared of getting the diagnosis and then everything I experience from here on out being blamed on bipolar like doctors do now with my thyroid. + +My HA is ruining my life. I spend hours Googling because I feel like I can't trust doctors after so many run-ins with them where they said pancreatitis was gastritis and sent me on my way assuming I was some kind of drug-seeker. Because of my Paxil experiences, I'm afraid to try any kind additional head med. I'm a mess, essentially, like many here. + +Currently obsessing over the fact I've never had my cholesterol checked and every time I eat or drink anything other than water, I get fatigued to such a point that it feels like I'm drugged. Husband is diabetic so I've been able to check my sugar levels and there's nothing unordinary there. I check my blood pressure regularly as well. The overwhelming, sedating-like fatigue also comes with even minimal activity, which has also had me freaked out about heart failure. (All my ekgs have been fine, though I'm not even sure that rules out heart failure.) I've had iron tests, hormone tests (though I still suspect hormones to be the underlying culprit), am taking vitamin d for a deficiency, thyroid hormone and T4 is in range... everything is ""normal"". I was vegan for 6+ months, quit smoking several years ago and very rarely drink. I tested positive twice for ANA and one of the SS-A or SS-B tests for Sjogren's Autoimmune but my doctor still insists I don't have it, though another doctor at my clinic says I do because that's all you need... not sure how that works. Anyway, Sjogren's may also be a culprit in my ""potential reasons you're dying"" book. + +Does anyone here have suggestions as to what helps them overcome their hypervigilance and keep themselves distracted from terrorizing themselves? I am in desperate need. + +Also, if you have any mental illnesses that your HA piggyback's on, I'd like to hear your experience, too. +",Anxiety +563,"Don't worry Sil, don't",Anxiety +52691,"My anxiety is unbearable and my abusive alcoholic father is making it worse My dad is a very angry alcoholic and I’ve dealt with it my whole life. I’ve watched my mother struggle mentally with it too. I also still live with my father and can’t afford to move out at the time. We had an episode tonight and he charged after me and my mom had to get involved. I was already having horrible anxiety and this has increased tenfold. I feel that my heart will give out. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I’ve already made so many mistakes and I can barely hold down a job. Is there anything I can do to deal with this unbearable anxiety 24/7? I don’t blame my anxiety entirely on him, but I can’t help but feel that it’s caused some harm in my life.",Anxiety +34978,"Tightness in my chest for like a week now? Been feeling like I can't get a good enough breath lately, and tight through my chest. It's really starting to scare me! I have acid reflux often and I'm hoping that maybe that's just it, even when I'm not feeling other symptoms? ",Anxiety +34608,"Diarrhea...every single night! So in the past couple of years, I’ve shit the bed while sleeping, three times...after the second time, I figured out I’d had a stomach ache prior to going to bed. So then I started taking Imodium anytime I had the slightest stomach ache before bed. It’s gotten to be less and less effective at stopping it, and even had a breakthrough accident recently, even after taking ten or 12 pills before bed! I take a LOT of sleep meds due to severe insomnia, so when I wake up from it, I can barely shower and change sheets without a dangerous fall. + +The anxiety: what’s going to happen when Imodium ceases to work at all?? + +Oh. Not to mention I can never even LOOK for another SO again...😢 + +Also WHY is it happening just at night?? + +I don’t get diarrhea during the day! I’m actually somewhat constipated during the day! + +What is happening to me?! + +What could this be?!",Anxiety +34823,"I got an aneurysm and i'm still alive I feel the need to add a trigger warning to this post. As someone who suffers from HA, I know this post can be scary but if I can be positive about it, you all can! I was diagnosed with brain aneurysm and artery dissections when I was 22, which put me at stroke risk until I was fully healed (which I am now). I will post the full story in the comments. + +It seems that for some of you on here, that is literally your worst fear, I'm here to tell you that even if it does happen, an aneurysm or even a stroke is not a death sentence. In fact, I was healed (with no surgery) within 3 months. The aneurysm had been there for at least 2 months before that and I had no idea, AND I STILL LIVED! The most debilitating part of this? The HA I got from it. It was the darkest 6 months of my life. I was in constant fear of having a stroke despite the blood thinners I was on. I never wanted to be alone anywhere and only felt truly safe with my parents. I had panic attacks all the time. But slowly, I gained more confidence in the functioning abilities of my body. I can honestly say that the HA affected me way more than the neurological symptoms did. So give your bodies more credit and your anxious brains less credit! + +If I can survive an aneurysm and torn artery and only have bits of HA after 2 years, so can you!! + +",Anxiety +52721,"How Can I Manage My Stress In These Situations? Over the past few weeks the relationship with one of my roommates has soured and we are debating taking him to court for coercion and withholding of owned money. While I’m not going to be the one taking him to court, the tension in the home has caused me an incredible amount of stress and anxiety. I’ve been having chest pain, heart palpitations, and often feel like I’m breathing through a straw. + +I can’t move out for about a month yet and I’m trying to manage this stress the best I can, but it keeps piling up and getting worse. I don’t feel comfortable in my home or room unless the door is locked, but hearing them walk around really spiked my anxiety. + +My sleep is getting worse and I’ve been waking up with anxiety attacks. I don’t have anywhere else I can go to escape this, and I just want to feel even slightly better. I don’t feel comfortable even making myself food because they’re always in the shared living spaces. + +Does anyone have any advice for how I can manage my stress/anxiety during this difficult time?",Anxiety +35517,"Mumps exposure I have been in a room with someone that have mumps, 1 day after the onset of symptoms (salivary swelling symptom). We had no close contact whatsoever but we did share the space. Was in the room for about 15 minutes in total. + +&#x200B; + +Cant remember if I had it in my youth (parents can't recall either) and I most likely haven't been vaccinated for it (it wasn't of the immunization programs at the time). Also saw that the vaccine doesn't work as a PEP. + +&#x200B; + +1: What are the chances that I got infected? I covered my face when was in the room for a brief few minutes each time was in the room, but it may have gotten through the eyes... + +&#x200B; + +2: Can anyone say what are my options? My life is about to be a complete malfunction for the rest of the 21 days waiting for the onset of symptoms picturing the horrible result of deafness, infertility and a lot of pain. Also likely to end with losing yet another job. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +525,restless restless accompanying,Anxiety +34901,"Kinda worried So about 2 weeks ago I had norovirus, and a lot of diarrhea. Since then I have not had a solid poop at all. I have ibs and I think it may just be that along with my anxiety about it. What do I do? ",Anxiety +51964,"Health anxiety / Zoloft side effects? I went off anxiety medication 8 months ago. Cut it cold turkey by accident (I was never told otherwise). Thankfully had no withdrawals or anything. I have severe, severe, severe health anxiety and I was doing really good up until a few months ago it started to get bad again- but I was managing. However, the past 2 weeks have been really really hard with my health anxiety and I knew I needed to finally get back on and I’m so happy to be back on. I had some stomach issues and I’m freaking out. I had blood in my stools and bad pains in my pelvis. I also for the past 2 months have had a dull ache in my upper left abdomen. Had some blood and stool tests and all was good. Today is day 2 is taking my medication (Zoloft) and I have a weird, nauseating feeling in my throat/chest. It feels exactly like when you get super giddy and your chest/throat squeals with excitement. But I don’t feel excited- I feel so anxious. It’s almost like I have to gag or dry heave. Can the Zoloft be causing this? I had no side effects last time I was on it so it’s weird. My anxiety is going crazy because I’m afraid it has to do with my other symptoms.",Anxiety +52002,Buspirone for GAD panic disorder Hi! How effective has buspirone been for those of you who suffer from panic disorder or generalized anxiety? I’m hoping to take it on its own starting next week.,Anxiety +34206,"Had a gas leak at work Hey all, first time asker here. But we had a gas leak at my work today and they did nothing no opening of doors, windows, nothing. We just stayed on the floor and worked. I know I tend to be anxiety focused with my health but my head has felt light and borderline headache after about 2 hours of breathing it in, and my chest/lungs have felt funny. Its been 7 hours since my shift ended but its not really gone away. Is this something to be concerned about? + +I do not know what kind of gas it was, I'm currently at a factory to help a friend out.",Anxiety +52179,"DAE feel a sense of rush/urgency over everything and can’t relax? It feels like my entire day is urgent. Even if tasks aren’t urgent, like say just housework and I’m bumbling about, it feels suddenly really important and urgent and that makes me feel overwhelmed. It’s almost like I make things a higher priority than they are and it’s difficult to reshape that thought process. Tips? Everything in my life feels like it’s rushing even when I have plenty of time.",Anxiety +34105,"Stomach just WON'T stop acting up, on fire, etc. Would an MRI detect anything serious? I was sent to the hospital because my stomach was giving me immense trouble. They performed a colored MRI on me, but I'm still worried because I don't fully understand what it's supposed to detect. If they were looking for like some sort of bowel thing, would they have missed something like colon cancer or something serious? Does an MRI even detect stuff like that? They sent it to an outsourced radiology firm because they didn't have a radiologist on-site at night. + +The problem is my stomach still will NOT stop. It's acting up immensely. I've gotten over a lot of my health anxiety, to the point where I've been off meds but I had to take a pill today to relax. My family does think something's wrong as I'm always fatigued, pale, nauseous etc. I'm getting a full blood work panel done soon because my iron was extremely low some time ago so they wanna check again, also because diabetes runs in my family like crazy. + +Couple with an MRI and a full blood work panel this Wednesday, what are the chances of them missing something? + +Thanks!<3",Anxiety +52019,"My anxiety makes me feeling like im dying everyday and its ruining my life. I dont want to die but dont know what to do. I barely get enough sleep, i feel on edge constantly like im gonna have another episode. My breathing has been an issue for days now and i keep having ticks and making humming noises occasionally and when i breathe out. I cant focus properly on anything or distract myself. The physical feeling are so intense I genuinely feel like im dying and cant stop it. I cant stop doing heavy breathing occasionally and my throat feels so strange, like ive had globus sensation before but this feeling is like tenfold, i get a sickly tingling sensation in my stomach and chest and not to mention that its so hard to physically talk, eat and drink when i really want to. Any tiny little thing can trigger me an then i spend hours-days having an attack that leaves me tired and unable to sleep. I take 20mg citalopram every morning an it doesnt seem to be working. Any advice woould be amazing since im up to try anything at this point. I just want the pain to go away.",Anxiety +35726,"I accidentally sniffed hand sanitizer. Should i be concerned? so i had just sanitized my some hand sanitizer, (Unsure of brand) and i happened to catch a wiff of my hands, it was an extremely strong smell, and i felt a slight burn in my nose initially, think i'll be ok? i already feel extremely stupid right now and i'm wondering if i have brain damage or something.",Anxiety +34296,"Can't stop worrying of the flu/pneumonia? Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, it feels like I'm in a nightmare where a world exists that little kids and children are randomly dying of the flu. It breaks me heart and of course since i have this bad sore throat and coughs I'm convinced I have pneumonia now. Does anyone else have this problem of taking what other people have and making it yours? It'd just scare to think since everyone gets the flu so it'd not like it's rare or anything, that's the scariest part. Anyway I'm going to try to close my eyes and pretend I'm in a different place ",Anxiety +34718,"Brutal bowel movements after eating and random, constant burning sensation in chest all day no matter what Hi all, just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this, my health anxiety is improving, no more panic attacks, googling has gone way down, but my stomach just wont seem to improve and this burning in my chest right between the collar bones seems to be completely random. I don't feel particularly anxious, I cant even recognize it right now, just kinda deflated to be honest but I know my thoughts remain on my health just way less intense than they were. I Don't really enjoy eating because I know whats in store for me and have gone from 187lbs to 164lbs. I had an endoscopy that they said was clear, I'll most likely need to have a colonoscopy (doctor said) and going to see a lung specialist soon. If that stuff comes up clear which it probably will any advice how you help ease your stomach? Worst part is my diet is way better than it was so like \*should shrug\* I'm thinking of taking CBD oil but iono at this point, just lost. I try not to think about the burning and the bowel pain but its so in my face its hard not to. ",Anxiety +201,"Dialogue in the morning.. to yourself, restless and restless accompanying it, hoping someone will understand-",Anxiety +574,"You can't doubt God, but sometimes that feeling of anxiety appears, it's not very clear!",Anxiety +169,hlt! why do i like to be nervous tbtb keep worrying so much that i sweat,Anxiety +34316,"In anger,I pressed hard against my temples with most might. Is it gonna be fatal? My left temple is fine,I feel no pain but in right one I feel it’s swollen or has a dent,right side of my skull is feeling dizzy. Am I alright?",Anxiety +573,The whole day feels restless,Anxiety +34101,Anxiety about flu epidemic killing many people I have got bad health anxiety now I'm afraid I might catch this flu and die! What can I do to prevent this?? I know many people that have got the flu.,Anxiety +37,Feeling so restless lately.,Anxiety +34371,"I feel like I am okay I feel like I am okay in the sense that I feel stable when I think about my mental health as well as my emotional health. Physical health I am satisfied with even though I have slightly more fat than what I desire on my body. Regardless of these things I seem to be feeling well yet throughout some of my days in the week I feel anxious about something and I always get the feeling that it's regarding one of the three things I mentioned earlier (mental, emotional, and physical). + +More often than ever I feel like the problem might be anxiety. I'm not sure how to deal with it or what preventative measures I can take. I'd much rather read or listen to people who have been going through the same scenario as me than to approach a health councilor. + +Any sort of feedback on the things that I can do or maybe even some controversial practices I can try would be of great help.. hopefully + + +Thanks guys and gals! + + +P.S. I feel like my anxiety is not on the level where I would need to start taking medicines for it. I would say that it is on a small level. + + + +",Anxiety +52208,Breath holding Anyone find themselves holding their breath throughout the day? I’ve been having this swaying feeling (again) and I’m wondering if it’s related to that. Always catch myself holding my breath!,Anxiety +52013,"The Rollercoaster ride of anxiety. Starts off slow, maybe you don't notice then eventually starts going up and no matter how hard I try to meditate, mindfulness and it slowly goes up until it peaks and I crash down. Then I'm okay for a day, a week, and start climbing again. + + It seems to go up and down and I'm on medication, in therapy, practice mindfullness and it always seems I take a step or 2 forward, then take a step or 2 back. It's so frustrating",Anxiety +34790,"Rabies HA is wrecking me Hey all. So I've been struggling with HA for years now but was really doing a lot better, almost 3 months with no major scares or full on panic attacks or anything. Then a couple days ago I got hit like a ton of bricks. I haven't been able to focus on or accomplish anything for days now and could really use some perspective. + +About three months ago I was bitten on the leg by a small dog while out on a run. It was a small bite, barely broke the skin, and it turned out to be my neighbor's dog. She was very understanding and even emailed me the dog's vaccination records. I also checked in last week and the dog is still alive and well. + +Despite this, I started getting symptoms the other day and I cannot. Stop. Freaking. Out. I keep convincing myself I'm getting pain or tingling near the bite site, plus I have all my usual anxiety symptoms again (nausea, insomnia, loss of appetite, brain fog) which are all signs of rabies onset. I've done all the research, I know there's basically no chance of getting rabies from an animal that's still alive weeks later but nothing will put my mind at ease. I can't shake the feeling that I should have gone to the doctor and gotten shots and now I'm going to die in agony for it. Has anyone else dealt with this? Is there anything I can do to navigate the anxiety surrounding this particularly horrifying disease?",Anxiety +34633,"Having a hard time differentiating anxiety and real symptoms. First time poster here. I’m having a really hard time I have a sinus infection and unfortunately saw an article that just made me very anxious and here I am freaking out. I’m having a hard time breathing, have a huge headache on the back of my head and my throat feels full and funny how can I tell the difference between a real symptom or anxiety. This is so hard to deal with.",Anxiety +35120,"I keep losing my ability to sneeze OK, this is a very bizarre one, but I've been suffering from this issue on and off for over two years, and it's having a big impact on my life. It'd be great if someone is able to shed some light on this. I keep losing the ability to sneeze. Basically, I'll get to the ""ahh"", but the ""choo"" won't happen. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it all started when I had some kind of allergic reaction to something in 2016, and I found myself unable to sneeze for at least three weeks. During that time, I had quite bad headaches and head pressure. When I finally sneezed, the pain instantly disappeared. + +&#x200B; + +Since then, the problem keeps coming back, along with the head pain/pressure I mentioned earlier. I think the longest I've gone without sneezing naturally is three months. Strangely, I can force myself to sneeze by tickling the inside of my nostrils with a pointy tissue, but that doesn't seem to relieve the head pain. However, I can occasionally sneeze if I think about something erotic and fortunately that does relieve the head pain! + +&#x200B; + +I've researched this problem countless times and I read somewhere that inability to sneeze could be the sign of a brain tumour, which seems very unlikely because I would also have more serious symptoms, such as an inability to yawn or swallow, which I can do perfectly fine. Also, the fact that I'm able to FORCE myself to sneeze surely means there's nothing seriously wrong? + +&#x200B; + +I also read that it could instead be a psychological problem, and I honestly think that could be right - sometimes, when I feel a sneeze coming on, it'll come out fine when I'm having a conversation with somebody, so it could be that it helps to be distracted from the sneeze instead of worrying about it. I would also like to mention that looking at the light in my bedroom SOMETIMES makes the sneeze come out at the last second, despite the fact that I don't think I have the photic sneeze reflex (i.e. ability to sneeze without fail by looking at a bright light). + +&#x200B; + +Plucking my nose hairs can also make me sneeze, but I tried that a few days ago and it didn't work. Now I'm ""sneeze-stuck"" again. Hoping someone can help! Thanks.",Anxiety +34602,"Heart pauses when drifting off to sleep Has anyone experienced this and had it diagnosed? Sinus node or eptopic beats? + +I do get skipped beats mainly when stressed but lately after a major panic attack when i drift off to sleep i feel this pausing of the heart and it makes me scared to go to sleep. + +I stay awake until i eventually fall asleep. +",Anxiety +99,"For 3 years comfortable with this condition, anxiously wondering if a few days later everything will change? I don't know, another crisis of confidence",Anxiety +52218,"Ear clogging/fullness/dizziness Has anyone ever had these symptoms from anxiety? I feel like the last week or two I've had this intense feeling of clogging that I can release if I hold my nose or yawn, but it just keeps happening for no reason. + +Has anyone ever dealt with this with anxiety?",Anxiety +52714,"How to stop overthinking? For some time now I’ve been overthinking a lot, it’s mostly when I’m in bed about to go to sleep. It’s like my mind is going 1000 mph and I can’t stop it. It sucks and I lose hours of sleep cos of it. If anyone knows some tips or tricks that can help me please let me know.",Anxiety +186,"Wow, I'm getting restless, let's sleep",Anxiety +34574,"Got a minor sunburn today So I've spent the past 5 hours freaking out over skin cancer, remeasuring every mole, and generally feeling sick to my stomach. My favorite part is how my brain went from ""Well, you got a small pink burn with no blisters on the back of your neck, must be INSTANT MELANOMA."" For all my various cancer fears - in the past 2 weeks I've convinced myself of oral cancer, colon cancer, small bowel cancer, eye cancer, and nose cancer - I think skin cancer is the most visceral. Always spirals into nausea and some pretty uncomfortable twists while I smack a ruler against the few moles on my back.",Anxiety +194,"Since then, the chicken cake has been restless and wants to lay eggs.",Anxiety +52555,How many and what kind of medical tests you’ve got done due to your health anxiety? Very curious !,Anxiety +33980,"Need advice real bad ( family related ) I am 26 y old and i am living with my mom since i was 13 y old or so. My parents got divorced , my dad was alco , my mom developed bi polar disorder right after the divorce. Iv been living in almost almost movie like circumstances , my mom wasnt aggressive toward me for first 5 years but in last year of her hospitalization and stuff it was really a nightmare. + +My mom is doing real good now for past 5-6 years , shes taking her meds regular she got back on her job so she is totally functional. But the thing is she is hypochondriac , and one of things she got used to is that i always confront her or even more i make appointments drive her to doctor and so on. She got used to that cause i was cooking , cleaning and doing regular home stuff in all those years before her recovery. + +But i cant handle it anymore , i am diagnosed with mild - severe anxiety with ocd and depression. I find it hard to find motivation for my own life , i do alot of things i try to keep myself in focus on goals i have , i am not happy how i am progressing but i am trying atleast. I just cant handle the doctors check ups anymore , according to her she had cancer atleast 2 times in past 6 months. + +I am very reasonable person i understand why is she scared she had uterus cancer 20 yrs ago and she had it removed it was one of reasons she got depression. I really understand that i would do anything to change it , but i cant . I was just having day full of work i had to study for my exam to finish this fucking law uni. She got into my room in 11 pm crying , she smokes quiet alot and she said her throat is hurting her as the day progress shes affraid that its cancer again. I know it sounds even funny when u read this but its so frustrating i deal one kind of disease per 15 days . I dont have strenght to help her anymore , could someone give me any kind of advice what the hell can i do in this situation to ease my fucking mind for one fucking day.",Anxiety +518,"Prolonged stress, depression every night, feeling restless, have risen many times but the results are zonk, feel that relying on God is useless? Hey!! Try to ""give up"" :)",Anxiety +52666,"Night time anxiety and noises from upstairs neighbor I rented downstair of a house for a really cheap price with my mom and brother. Upstairs is landlord and their family. I’ve been living here for over four years. Everything is fine except when something is broken and I was afraid the landlord won’t fix it, or scared of landlord will “sell the house” and want us to move out. Anxiety hit real hard + +Earlier this year, my neighbor upstairs - landlord’s daughter - brought home a high school graduated boyfriend. He is childish and usually yell out of nowhere. I have PTSD from domestic violence so this triggers me a lot. It seems like he knows I’m scared, so he brought it full blown one night last month by stomping, laughing, yelling while playing games at night. I try my best with school and hoping to graduate soon after next year to get the fuck out of here. But the panic attack happens every time there are noises at night, and people upstairs are so passive aggressive that this is going no where…",Anxiety +34117,"Oral cancer fears It's been at least weeks since I've noticed it, but who knows how long it's actually been there. I'm not even sure how to describe the location. It's not on the hard palate but kind of in between that and the hard part of the gums on the inner side of teeth. + +If you take your tongue and reach it as far back as you can even past the final molar on top, that's where it is.  + +Anyways, I felt with my tongue recently that there was a small lump. If I look in my mouth, there is no sore or anything. But I can feel it with my tongue and finger. I just touched it with my hand again and I believe it is movable as well but I'm not 100 percent on that. It doesn't currently hurt to the touch but weeks ago, it was tender when I would use my finger.  + +I can't get it looked at until February 5th, and my health anxiety was doing so well for about a year now, but now I'm freaking out and it's affecting my sleep amongst other things.",Anxiety +34338,"Scared I have mouth cancer, at 19. Background, so I've been out at college since August, been to a couple of parties, and took up smoking, why, because it looks cool. There I admit it. I would say I've been smoking since around Octber or November. I smoke maybe half a pack every other weekend, if that. Maybe have one or two on the side, here and there, but I wouldn't consider myself a smoker. I've noticed a sore in my mouth, it's all white, doesn't look harmful. I think it's a canker sore, as I've been drinking coffee like hell these past couple of weeks, sometimes without regard for how hot it is. Is it possible to get mouth cancer after smoking maybe two or three packs of smokes in total in my life, or am I just freaking out over a little blister? Thanks for the help. ",Anxiety +34879,"Rabies HA is driving me batty Hi fellow anxiety sufferers + +&#x200B; + +I've been good for months but my HA has decided to welcome the new year with a flare up. A few nights ago I was reading in my bedroom with the window open, when I heard some rustling/flapping at the curtain. I went to take a look and couldn't see anything except for two large geckos. I guess they could have been chasing each other on the curtain, causing the rustling, but who knows. + +&#x200B; + +Anyway, I went back to the bed and was facing away from the window with my hand resting behind my head, when I felt a sharp sensation in one of my fingers. I looked around and couldn't see anything, and there were no puncture wounds or marks on my hand. + +&#x200B; + +Long story kinda short, I've convinced myself that a rabid bat flew into my room, snuck up on me, nipped my finger and then ninja'ed itself away – this despite there being no actual sighting of a bat or any wound. + +&#x200B; + +I realise how irrational and ridiculous this all sounds, but nonetheless, the fear of dying from rabies is real and it's driving me a little nutty. + +&#x200B; + +Just to mention that I don't live in a rabies hot spot, the incidence of rabies in humans from bat bites in my country is very low, and apparently fewer than 0.5% of the bat population is rabid. So... + +&#x200B; + +I really just want to go get some rabies shots but I reckon my doctor will think I'm nuts. Any advice on how to deal with this anxiety or any words to help put my mind at ease would be much appreciated!",Anxiety +51897,"Vitamin c deficiency? Has anyone had vitamin c deficiency, and how long did supplementation take to affect anxiety?",Anxiety +52180,"Anxiety of letting possessions go for new ones Does anyone else feel anxious when you try to donate or throw away unusable or old items? How do you cope with these feelings? + +I’m trying to bring myself to buy a new mattress, bed frame, sheets, etc. But I’m finding a million reasons not to-mainly attachment reasons. I know I need a new mattress and box spring for health reasons at the very least but I don’t want to buy another twin (I’m a young adult). I’d like to try to break these thoughts and find joy in a new purchase. It’s taken two years to decide to purchase a new bed.",Anxiety +51934,"Speaking. I can’t for the life of me talk to people. I instantly think that if I talk to them I’ll annoy them. I feel like a burden if I do talk about how I feel, but if I don’t then I get told to talk about my feelings. Even talking to someone in passing is terrible. I put words together in my head but I say something completely different.",Anxiety +35601,"Random Twitching / ALS Fears I was hoping to find some relief here. About 5 months ago I had some bad panic attacks, with high blood pressure, likely due to high stress. Same deal, thinking I had heart issues. I've been on the generic version of Buspar and a blood pressure medication since then. Things seems ok, until I started to have panic attacks again. A friend told me he had twitching issues with the Buspar, so I'm hoping maybe thats it. + +For the last 3-4 weeks I have been having all sorts of weird twitches EVERYWHERE. Mostly been in the bridge of my nose, but also in my back, head, arms, neck, abdomen, legs, knees, elbow, and butt. It's very random just a small twitch here and there, and there seems to be no pattern to it. They usually will last a couple seconds. I've been having bad anxiety and stress lately. My wife and I had a baby recently and when I got back to work from my leave, a bunch of people were laid off. A week into being back at work I started having bad panic attacks, chest pain, reflux, I started to get spasms in my esophagus, and trouble breathing, which made me think I was having a heart attack. I then started obsessing thinking I had a heart condition. I got checked out by the doctor and some blood work done and everything checked out ok. I was relieved to hear that things were fine. My doctor switched out my blood pressure medication, but then I started getting muscle twitches all over. Thinking it was because the medication, I went back to my old BP medicine, but after being off of it for over a week, it's still happening My family has a history of ALS, seems to happen later in life, 60+, but when I googled muscle twitching, my anxiety completely went off the rails. The twitching seems less severe, but it's still happening. + +I went back to the doctor do more blood work, check for an electrolyte imbalance. I should have the results back at the end of the week. I started CBT last week with a therapist, but the unknown leaves me constantly fearing the worst, and I'm finding it hard to find relief. I haven't been sleeping well because of the baby which could be contributing to the problem. + +Has anyone else had issues with muscle twitching following panic attacks?",Anxiety +435,"It's been a long time since I've been here, I'm suddenly restless + crazy chest pain",Anxiety +52277,"My Workplace Makes Me Anxious So I’m not too sure if this is the correct place to post this or get advice, but I’d just like to hear what people have to say about it. + +I’ve been working at my engineering job for 4 years now. It’s a decent job with VERY good pay and decent hours that work for me. But for the same amount of time it has been the main source of my anxiety. It’s quite a tricky job with a lot of learning involved, and it’s taken me a long time to get to grips with. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the process and with some parts of the job I still feel anxious about what I’ll have to do or about making mistakes while doing those things. + +The main thing however is the environment, and one particular person in it. We’ll call him Bob (say hello Bob). He used to be my team leader, but stepped back from that role to become team engineer (still a somewhat ranked role in itself but more technical) and is one of the most experienced and gifted guys at the place, having been there for decades at this point. Let me preface by saying a good chunk of the time this guy is ok. + +However, Bob is VERY hotheaded and temperamental, and can be passive aggressive, will openly berate people for innocent mistakes and will make “jokes” about co-workers and their abilities/performance that often seem to have a hint too much opinion behind them (often to the point where you’re not sure when he’s joking and when he isn’t). He takes his job very very seriously, often to the point of some sort of corporate Stockholm syndrome devotion (that may be an exaggeration but you get what I mean). As an example, he’s gone off on one at me before for not working much overtime and he has commitment and that’s why he does loads (implying I don’t pull my weight by not working weekends etc). + +His whole demeanour makes me extremely uncomfortable and feel intimidated, because I don’t know when he’s gonna be in one of his bad moods or take issue with something. It’s been joked about before whether we’re gonna get Jekyll or Hyde today. + +About 2 months ago he openly berated (near shouting) in front of the whole team and my manager for misplacing a tool during an audit (which I understand is a bit negligent, but I did find it quickly afterwards), it was embarrassing and made me feel small, especially since that could’ve been handled in a far more professional manner. The other day, he made a comment about my rate of work, rhetorically asking “jokingly” why I can only do 1 of something while he can do a lot more in the same amount of time. Funnily enough he’s done that multiple times in the past and it never fails to make me feel heightened and worthless. I get that I’m a slow worker and not the most skilled, but he makes it out as if I’m lazy and not bothered about my job… I am very much the opposite. I just have less experience and work at a slower pace than most because I worry so much about getting things wrong. + +I just don’t find Bob very approachable and that makes it even more difficult because he’s our team engineer, which means sometimes I have to ask him questions. But it’s been very often that he’s responded to questions as if they’re stupid or something I should’ve known already. + +What doesn’t help is that for the longest time the team has enabled his behaviour, saying to me “don’t take it personally, it’s just the way he is”. Even recently when another team member was talking to me like crap and I spoke to my manager about it after finally having enough, I mentioned Bob and while he spoke to the other person and she hasn’t bothered me since, he said he wasn’t gonna talk to Bob at this time because it “requires a far more delicate approach”. From what I understand Bob has his own issues, one of them being bad anxiety but it seems like he’s dealing with it in very unhealthy ways. + +At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t feel like I can ask my manager to do something about it because of his Bob might react or what he might do. It’s not like the company would do anything anyway because he’s so good at his job and does a hell of a lot. I could move teams, where the work would be more challenging so I could be Maliki life harder for myself. But if I stay I have to stay in an environment that makes me constantly anxious and seriously affects my mental health, to the point where just leaving my job has crossed my mind in moments of madness. + +Any advice or ways to maybe cope with this would be really welcomed. + +TL;DR my job and a person there make me incredibly anxious, and I don’t know what to anymore.",Anxiety +52382,"I’m new to Reddit so bear with me I have this problem where I refuse to believe anyone knows me. I know i sound abit weird writing this but I just can’t put my mind around anyone truly knowing me and I know the saying of no one truly knows anyone. But it really is becoming a thing where I really believe people don’t know me. I’m not a shy person I’m extroverted I love talking to people but I do have anxiety I’ve been hurt a lot in the past by people, I think everyone has. Now I just don’t think I know anyone and I don’t think they know me I know people do know me I just won’t admit to it. I’m struggling to understand myself really. Ive come on here to ask for advice because Ive looked into this and all I can find is people saying why don’t I let anyone know me which isn’t my situation I feel like I don’t but I do speak about my problems and I’m known as an open book so why do I feel this why ? +Am I crazy , if anyone feels this way or knows why I do please respond",Anxiety +34216,"Think Before You Post: why reassurance seeking might be feeding your health anxiety. Hey /r/healthanxiety, + +Just thought I'd make a post detailing my personal experience and knowledge about reassurance seeking and why it is self destructive. + +So, you're experiencing your symptom that you're increasingly more worried about. Whether that be chest pains, heart palpitations, stomach problems, poop problems, any of the hundreds of symptoms any of us could possibly be worried about. + +You're worried about if this is the time where your worrying is justified, or if it is actually a sign of the illness you're fearing. + +Maybe you've already been to the doctor to get checked out, but doubt their opinion. + +All of these have happened to me, and happen to many many other HA sufferers, which is completely okay. + +**However**, the way you deal with it is paramount to your recovery. + +Usually, what I would do, is post here, explaining my symptoms and what I was worried it was. Then I'd get some replies reassuring me and maybe feel better for a bit. Or I'd ask a close friend or family member and get the same results. + +All of this felt like what I had to do, a huge compulsion to do this just to know that I was fine. + +In the short term, yes, it made me feel better but this was only short lived. + +This might also account for medical tests, I've spoken to many people who have previously thought that getting that MRI or CT, colonoscopy or endoscopy, or whatever it might be, would make all their worries go away. Which, after the short term relief, the anxiety came back. This is so important to understand and grasp to begin recovering from health anxiety; I speak from experience. + +One of the biggest things in recovery is how you deal with these thoughts and need for reassurance. Possibly even the key to fixing your health anxiety. + +So, if you don't seek that reassurance, what's going to happen? For me, at first, it was unbareable anxiety, and just an extreme desire to check I was okay, whether that was through posting to the subreddit, the discord, asking family, checking my body for lumps, checking my lymph nodes etc. + +You'll most likely experience increased anxiety whilst not seeking the reassurance you want, which is completely okay. Rather than seeking reassurance, do something mindful, something genuinely healthy for the mind. As, when in a very high anxiety situation, sometimes it's the things that you do during that time that really define how your mental wellbeing will go in the future. + +You can do many things, for me, it was taking myself away from what I was doing and spending 10 minutes trying to immerse or distract myself within something else, not an easy task by any means, but something to try. After the 10 minutes was up I would come back to what I was doing and try to revert my thoughts away from my worry, which most times the anxiety had passed and I didn't need to seek further reassurance. + +You could possibly try meditation, though, if you don't regularly practice it, it'll be very difficult to do under high anxiety levels. + +You could try relaxing music, your favourite food, anything else that enhances your mood, whatever works for you. + +During this time, you will experience anxiety, potentially more during that time of not seeking the reassurance, but I promise you, in the long run it is going to do wonderful things compared to getting the reassurance and feeding the problem. + +When you seek reassurance, you're reinforcing the behaviours which keep your health anxiety alive unfortunately, because usually it feels like the right thing, and the only thing to do in that situation. But trust me, try not seeking it. + +It'll be very similar to [this graph](https://thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/anxiety-repeated-exposure-graph.png), the more you do it the easier it'll be. And it might get to the point where the anxiety almost completely goes after a while of practicing this. + +Seriously, it is worth definitely giving a go and thinking about this if you're currently having a lot of anxiety, I've been there hundreds of times, and applying this mentality was one of the key turning points into recovering from health anxiety. + + + + + + +",Anxiety +34833,"Got some kind of norovirus/food poisoning. Still unclear. Currently at the hospital. Scared that is actually rabies. My symptoms are: +Abdominal pain +Nausea +Diarrhea +Fever + + +I am the op of the “stranger’s dog licked my hand”. It was over a month ago. The dog had an owner. But stil.........",Anxiety +34204,Parasites from Africa (Bilharzia) I've always had health anxiety and now I'm a little freaked out after it turns out I have tested positive for Bilharzia after swimming in Africa a few years ago. It says it can potentially damage bladder and genitals...my doctors don't seem to know much about it and aren't too worried. Are there tests that can see if there is any damage such as scarring to male genital tract? I know there are tests for the bladder but not sure if it is worth getting all this checked out now that the parasite is gone,Anxiety +34556,Overreacting to symptoms Does anyone feels the same? If there is the slightest abnormality or pain on my body or state I get extremely anxious and am convined this is a sign of a serious illness. At night it's the worst and keeps me awake (like if there's a red spot on my skin it's probably skin cancer). I'm also too afraid to go to the doctor because he might find something terrible.,Anxiety +34954,"Healthy anxiety is literally going to kill me (Sorry for the essay) Okay so you're all going to probably think I'm a nut job and you're probably right.. I've been a bit of a hypochondriac since a child but it's gotten way worse in recent years (I'm now 27). I actually don't even know what to do anymore? I went to counselling about this last year and it did zilch! The past year has been my absolute worst!!! + +I'm a Googler and it's really starting to piss me off! Every single pain I get I end up googling it and lose my shit thinking it's cancer or something deadly. Heck, sometimes I don't even Google it and I just assume it's something bad! The anxiety got that bad in the summer time that I was crying every night and having no sleep thinking I was going to die and couldn't get out of bed for work. I'd literally made my self depressed. I then did actually get really ill from all the worry and stress. I just don't want to have death thoughts everytime I feel a pain or a niggle! I'm even getting scared of feeling my own breasts incase I feel a lump!!! I also hate it when I see articles on Facebook telling you the symptoms to look out for for certain cancers and then those symptoms are stuck in my brain for life and I end up tying those symptoms to my pains and thus the anxiety begins! I'm literally stressed and on edge every single day now, it's exhausting! + +So my question is, is there anybody else out there suffering with this too? And how are you coping with it? I literally can't go on like this, feeling like i'm going to die all the time. It's an absolute waste of life. + + + +",Anxiety +35506,"Enema side effects? 30. F. Australia. + +I was administered a fleet enema at the hospital last night (18hrs ago to be exact) for painful constipation. I wasn't completely impacted as I could still pass gas and small stools. + +I am having really bad abdominal pain and cramping today. It's freaking me out. I have had paracetamol, buscopan and simethicone but the pain is probably still a 7 out of 10. I've had two fleet enemas before and definitely experienced *some* cramping the next day but not as bad as this. Is this normal? I understand my muscles are sore from pushing out the stool (and there was a fair bit of it). + +No other symptoms besides the cramping and pain.",Anxiety +34046,"Constant lung issues Hey all, + +Been having lung issues for months. Constantly feeling sick the last 4 weeks. Moved out of a house filled with mold. + +Been prescribed two diff antibiotics before tests showed nothing. + +Started feeling slightly better but was around a ton of cigarette smoke. + +It's like every other night I feel awful. Can't see the doctor again for a week. Just constantly losing my mind. Difficulty breathing doesn't help at all. + +Just needed to complain. Thanks. +",Anxiety +35294,"Worried about liver and jaundice, history of drinking. In my late 20s. Used to drink alot in my early 20s and by mid twenties to now cut down drinking alot. + +Last year have a liver panel done and everything came back perfect. However I still drink about 2 beers every day sometimes 3 and just recently I swear I've been seeing a slight yellow discoloration. In the corners of my eyes and underneath the eye lids. However the yellow tint appears around the small red vessels in the whites of my eyes. Idk if I'm seeing things or if my chronicaly dry eyes is to blame + +Can 2-3 beers a day destroy my liver in a years time? And if my eyes are yellow wouldn't my skin be too?",Anxiety +420,"When the heart is sad, restless and filled with despair, remember that only to God do we complain.",Anxiety +52407,"I'm feeling weird I feel like everything around me is slower than me, and I feel dumb, I don't really know how to explain it honestly, I even tried googling it but I just can't explain it properly. Does anyone knows what is happening to me?",Anxiety +52512,I made huge embarrassing mistake at work while on a conference call with my manager and a client and I’m thinking of self-harming. What should I do? I don’t have the strength to kill myself but I want to hurt myself.,Anxiety +52911,Hi there Anyone up or available? I'm just not doing good right now my anxiety has me feeling like i can't breath and making me feel like my throat is gonna close (yea wierd) I know,Anxiety +53034,Neighbours Hello I’m haveing anxiety because my neighbours pour things like pee dog poo etc I can’t put my plants out side cuz water is always falling of their top balcony and on to mines there are really hostile to my then I get racism from them keep in mind I did nothing to them it is like they are heart less and my boys and I are scared cuz they threatened as I call police so much time they do nothing I’m also looking for i new home they do drugs they spat at us when we go out side and they say the reason why water falls from the porch is because the water tank they party ever day it’s really scary In hope I can move to better area I stay strong in front of my boys but i cry in the in side it feels like no cares about us at all it’s more worrying cuz I’m I single mother of 2 and upstairs is all men idk what to and I’m scared for my life and my children life btw I’m in Scotland sorry if I mis spelled some things it cuz I’m shaking.,Anxiety +33973,"Signed up for Physical Exam due to health anxiety, symptoms getting more noticeable as the day approaches Due to me receiving medical insurance through the government , the health care I have access to is very saturated, so I’ve been waiting for a Physical exam for 2 months now. + +I’m getting down to single digits on days and I feel terrible at nights. I’ll experience acid reflux, or muscular/skeletal pains , etc. Right now I have a pain under my right rib cage and I feel like it’s my pancreas or something . I’m going absolutely mad just thinking that this dull pain could be cancer or something I need to go to the ER for before it bursts and I die . + +I just can’t wait for 5 more days until I can get checked out and be able to sleep at night knowing either nothing is wrong with me or taking steps to manage it. And now I’m in a worse mood because I won’t get the results then , I’ll still need to wait a week or two on top of that . ",Anxiety +52181,"Morning anxiety.. but only if waking before sunrise If I wake up before sunrise I feel a huge spike of adrenaline/cortisol? It’s not down to lack of sleep because for example if I wake up at 6:30 (just before the sun) it happens, if I wake up 15 minutes later (when the suns up) I have no anxiety. Now the shit part of this is I need to wake up at 5am most days. I’m not having anxious thoughts, just the physical anxiety. Is this just a lizard brain thing because I’m a bit stuck in fight or flight? Like waking up in the dark makes my body prepare to protect me? Idk. I’ve ordered a sunrise alarm clock to try and trick my brain a bit. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this/what your theories are.",Anxiety +35474,My First Post I am looking for some help I just want my life back. I know it's anxiety I have had test done that show me it is. The worst part is my left side of my mouth is pins and needles ans sometimes my left corner of my left eye feels stroke like. No change no droop and it's just a feeling if I pinch it I can feel it. The worst part of this is it had thrown me into DP/DR which has been not so great when I am a Dad to three kids and my wife. When I am in DP/DR and feeling like I do my libido is shot and it's hard to feel love when you question every feeling. I am just venting. I know it's anxiety because when i am truly distracted it goes away I just want my normal life back!!!!,Anxiety +33937,"Eye stuff Hey, + +So sometimes when I look at a wall especially the sides that meet I see them getting distorted or even rippled. + + +Then when I start staring at them it becomes more rippled and then everything starts blending together making it look all white. +(walla are white) + +I just wanna know if anyone's had any similar experiences like this. Also just to be clear this only happens with the sides of the walls that meet its more noticeable in the dark but it also happens in the light as well. + +I am getting major anxiety over this so please fast replies would be appreciated ",Anxiety +34005,"I feel really silly posting this but... I think I’ll feel better if I get this off my chest. I definitely have some health anxiety, although it’s not as bad as it could be. I recognize that many of the symptoms I feel from time to time are a result of internalizing stress and are made worse by worrying about them, and I think I’ve gotten a better handle on it as the years have gone by. + +But I don’t think anxiety can cause lumps or make them grow, and I’m trying to stay away from Google and redirect my focus but I’m still feeling that worry and wanting to check on the lump every five minutes. I think I’ve done a fairly good job keeping myself in check and only examining the lump once a day. But I’m going to write this out and see if it helps. Maybe someone else has had a similar story and everything turned out fine? I want to hear it if so. + +Close to a year ago now, I noticed this lump under my arm. I thought it was an ingrown hair. Mentioned it at a checkup, the doctor felt it and thought it was a lymph node. She offered to do an ultrasound but I was getting ready to move out of state and didn’t have time. The lump grew and became really painful and red. For reasons, I didn’t see a doctor until about eight months later, when they diagnosed the lump as an abscess next to a (swollen) lymph node. Abscess was drained, tested positive for Staph, I got a gross course of antibiotics and that was that. The lymph node shrank a little after that and I could still feel a lump where the abscess was. Primary care doctor said it was a cyst that had formed form the abscess being left alone for so long, and sent me to a surgeon to have it removed. The surgeon was not very nice, told me he couldn’t feel anything and sent me home. Eventually the cyst shrank and I couldn’t feel it anymore. + +Fast forward to two months later and now...the original lymph node has shrunk but it’s still around. And now above it there’s a new...mass. It’s next to where the abscess was before but off to the outside top corner of my armpit (sorry for the bad explanation). It’s a hard lump and fixed in place, which freaks me out a bit because google says that’s a sign of cancer. Buuuuuut maybe it’s just my muscle I’m feeling. The other armpit has a bit of that “bump” thing going on at the top, but it’s way less pronounced and feels less like a defined lump, if that makes sense. And it feels like it’s growing. Thanks to the abscess I have a scar and it feels like the lump is noticeably getting closer to the scar. + +I feel like such a drama queen. I’m so embarrassed bringing stuff like this up at the doctor because I’m so used to being dismissed and them thinking I’m a huge baby. I just feel ashamed of being like this. Being stuck between worry or embarrassment isn’t much of a choice. But this nagging voice in my head keeps saying anxiety can’t cause a lump like it could cause a headache or nausea or heartburn or whatever. I just can’t cope with the humiliation if it turns out being nothing and they think I’m an idiot. I have an appointment with my doctor (for something unrelated and not to do with something being wrong with me) and I’m debating on if I should bring it up. My doctor now seems really good and non-judgy, these feelings are internalized. If someone else has had a mysterious bump that vanished one day and ended up being nothing please let me know. Thanks ",Anxiety +34158,"Appendix or IBS Lately my anxiety has been super high for multiple reasons. But I’ve also been experiencing some unpleasant physical symptoms that I’m not sure are related to anxiety or not. + +Every time after I eat, a little snack or big meal, I get horrible stomach pain (cramping) and I have to go to the bathroom. Then the rest of the day I have dull pain in my abdomen area. + +My previous doctor suggested I may have IBS but didn’t officially diagnose me. + +Could that explain all the pain/discomfort? + +I’m always worried it’s my appendix and that I’ll die, every little pain in that area worries me. +",Anxiety +52525,"Has anyone had any luck curing or improving their anxiety by removing coffee from their diet completely? And if so how did you do this, did you replace with green tea or no caffeine? etc",Anxiety +35366,"Hypochondria as an early symptom of dementia? I decided to take a break from scaring myself to death with medical craziness online and (for once) actually wanted to learn about Hypochondria (I guess you could say it was an eye opening moment where I, myself, saw myself from a logical standpoint). + +As I sifted through the Google pages, I ended up coming across a slew of articles relating to Hypochondria being one of the earliest signs of Frontotemporal Lobe Dementia and Lewy Body Dementia. My first initial reaction was complete anger. I had abused my Google privileges for so long, looking at the scariest possible diseases. The one time I do exactly what people have been telling me to do (""dude, look up what ANXIETY does to your body and mind, not this"") I get forced back into hell. + +As you can imagine, I checked it out. There were actually many articles and case reports regarding it that it kinda scared me. I had been worried specifically about dementia for the past month for a bunch of odd-and-end reasons..and then Google relays the term in reference to my hypochondria/anxiety...? It is the coincidence now that is flipping me out and confirming my fear even more. That is some bizarre..not even intentional coincidence, dont you think? + +How do you even distinguish the difference between hypochondria as a VERY early symptom of dementia vs hypochondria because you are a hypochondriac?",Anxiety +34848,"Humming feeling in right side of the chest Hey guys, I'm in full on panic mode right now and I feel like shit because of it. + + +As of yesterday I noticed some weird humming that happens a couple of times a day, sort of like when you have the flu and hear that ""motorized"" breathing, except there's no snot and I don't feel sick. + + +At first I thought it was really a snot deep down but then I noticed it happened when I wasn't breathing meaning it's not even connected to that. + + +Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? Lately my eye is twitching like crazy, could it be connected to magnesium deficiency? Thanks",Anxiety +52993,"Advice greatly needed (26 year old female) sorry for the long post… I’ve been on anti depressants for about the last 12 years of my life. I was always on 100 mg zoloft & then switched to 20 mg lexapro in 2018, but went off of them for about 6 months in 2021 to try to live without them. At the end of those 6 months I started to get dizzy more often & have what I can only describe as uncontrollable thoughts. Not suicidal or thoughts of harming anyone, but I just did not feel in control of my emotions and I felt like I was gonna lose my mind lol & very depressed. So I got back on lexapro 20 mg & after a few months I started to feel average at best but better than before. August 2022 I started to get brain zaps/dizziness every day for over a month so I went to a new psychiatrist and got back on Zoloft 50 mg to start. I worked my way up to 75mg & started to feel a lottttt better, but in December my dad died and I was extremely close to him so that obviously set me back. I went up to 100 mg around Feb 2023 and have been having issues ever since. Very dizzy, lots of anxiety & panic attacks, and the weird uncontrollable emotions/thoughts and always feeling on the brink of a panic attack have been happening since. It gets A LOT worse at night and that’s when most of my issues arise. +Within the last 6 months I’ve seen an ear doctor to make sure I didn’t have inner ear issues causing dizziness, an eye exam (I got a small prescription mostly for being on my phone/computer or reading), and I got an MRI done and saw a neurologist. All has always come back normal so I’m thinking it’s a medication issue or lack of something. I’m mostly looking for advice or comfort to make me feel better since I’m not doing well lol. Thanks for reading ❤️",Anxiety +34825,What is the recommended heart exam that can bring me peace? Im tired of worrying and willing to put in some money to make sure everything is fine but I would hate to spend thousands. Is 500$ reasonable for a quality test in the United States (Texas)?,Anxiety +34131,"At what point am I washing my hands too much? So this just happened. I'm at work. I went to bathroom and washed my hands. I used a paper towel to open the door to my office. I started eating. My wife needed some credit card info, so I opened my wallet. Then I washed my hands again since I touched my wallet. Then I touched my phone. Then I touched my keyboard after touching my phone. Now everything is infected and I'm going to die.",Anxiety +34845,"Tuna? I’ve been trying to eat healthy so I purchased a four pack of tuna. I have already finished the container in the week, and now lil old me is freaking out about Mercury poisoning! Ugh. + +Is four servings of tuna in a week gonna make me sick?? Ugh this sucks ",Anxiety +35512,"I’m having bad anxiety about HIV and it’s cause me to be super depressed, even though I keep telling myself I shouldn’t worry. So this is kind of a rant because I’m sitting in my car outside work, trying to find the strength to go in...this anxiety has just been CONSUMING me for the last two weeks and I feel like it’s at its worst today. + +I’m not sure why I’m so worried about it, but for the last two weeks I’ve been SUPER worried about having HIV. Two weeks ago I found a cyst behind my ear and went to the doctors thinking it was a swollen lymph node. He told me it was a cyst and sent me home with a cream, it’s basically gone by now. + +But I’m still convinced I have HIV. I know the best solution is to get tested, but I work so much that I won’t be able to make that happen until next week. + +I’ve had allergies and eczema my entire life, so while the seasons are changing here, they’ve been going crazy. Now I have a swollen lymph node in my neck. + +I’ve never had any of the symptoms of HIV (flu like symptoms lasting weeks, a rash, vomiting & diarrhea, etc.) But something in my brain is just TELLING me I have it. + +I’m a gay man and for the last few years I’ve been really safe with sex. My main fear is two people I slept with back in 2013. One of those guys was tested in 2017 (when I was seeing him again) and he came back clean. Ive slept with a total of one other person in the last two years because we were dating for the majority of it and he was clean as well. But I am still convincing myself I have it. I’m not sure if this anxiety could cause my lymph node in my neck to swell (because it’s swollen) But this is only fueling my anxiety. + +I’m freaking out and more depressed than I’ve been in years. Would I have seen genuine symptoms by now if I had contracted it?",Anxiety +34317,"Health anxiety makes everyday tasks so difficult Some background about my health anxiety history - I’ve had severe health anxiety intermittently since my teens. Most often I am preoccupied with my heart. My heart rate has always jumped up quickly (~180ish bpm) with minimal exercise or even at times of rest, but my resting heart rate is usually 45-55 bpm. I mention numbers just because my heart rate is a little atypical-but I have been checked out by cardiologists so many times over the past 15 years, always with the reassurance that I am fine. Most recently, this past summer I wore a 30 day holter monitor where they would measure my episodes of high heart rate. They also did a stress test, numerous ekgs, etc. They confirmed I had periods of sinus tachycardia, but it was normal rhythm and said I was healthy. They said the heart was appropriately responding and was likely beating fast because of anxiety (which I don’t think is the whole story, I think I have a food allergy which can trigger it, but that’s beside the point.). They gave me a low dose of beta blockers to take as needed for comfort/anxiety, but promised I wouldn’t have a heart attack, with or without the pills. + +Anyways, to bring my story to today, I’ve been putting off doing laundry for far too long. Im embarrassed to admit I have been buying new clothes to prolong my laundry chore. The issue is in my apartment I have to carry my laundry down a few flights of stairs, outside and into another building. After it’s clean I have to carry it again outside and then up a few flights of stairs. The laundry basket is heavy and my heart races so fast when I do this, and I panic. + +I just did a load and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I sat down with a glass of water and within 60 seconds my heart rate was back in the 70s. I remind myself that my stress test was normal, even when they brought my heart rate to 190 for several minutes. But I am still so freaked out. I have several more loads to do and I’m so afraid. + +I know part of the answer is that I am incredibly out of shape and weak. This is not coincidence -I am extremely avoidant of anything that raises my heart rate , and am terrified of exercising. I stopped wearing my Fitbit a few months ago (at the urging of my therapist) because I obsessively measured my heart rate and was even afraid of standing up/walking - I believed if my heart rate went above 80 it would trigger a heart attack. Taking off my Fitbit was one of the scariest things I’ve done but now that it’s been a few months I feel SO much better. I do my best not to measure heart rate now and have been going on more walks, but lifting anything makes me feel my heart rate and I can’t ignore it. I just feel so stuck and like I can’t keep up with basic chores. I feel like a failure of an adult. + +I don’t know what I’m asking for, this is mostly a rant. I’ve been lurking this subreddit for months and it’s brought me a lot of comfort. Health anxiety is such a difficult illness but this community helps me feel less alone. + +TLDR: my health anxiety is about my heart rate/heart attacks. Basic chores like laundry elevate my heart rate and cause panic and avoidance. Feel like I can’t keep up with life. ",Anxiety +35109,Breathing issues So on Thursday I got my first pack of ciggarettes and I smoked about 10-12cigs and my chest hurts and I’m having shortness of breathe could I have developed a terminal illness it’s scaring the crap out of me I’m never lighting another ciggarette again,Anxiety +34730,"Can’t do this anymore. As the title says I really can’t do this anymore, living with anxiety and health anxiety isn’t even living it’s basically existing. It’s got to the point that it’s changing who I am as a person, I’ve become jealous of people for being able to just live their lives, I feel like I’m becoming a bad mum and partner through it and I’ve decided it’s time for a change. Instead of going to the doctor for yet more tablets I’ve decided to overcome it myself, eating better, sleeping better, avoiding alcohol (I’ve realised this does not help at all- it helps while I’m drinking and then the next day is hell) avoiding caffeine and exercising and reading more. I’ve started playing “the sims” on my phone just to keep my mind active and on something other than my health or whatever strange worry my mind decides to have that day. I’ve decided enough is enough and I’m going to push myself to do things I would never usually do and get better. Sorry for the moaning boring post but sometimes it feels good to get it out to people who actually know how you feel and won’t just say “you’ll be alright” Also a great app I’ve found is called “Dare” it’s absolutely brilliant for panic attacks and has really helped me the last few days. Thanks for reading. ",Anxiety +52492,"Brintellix - Any GOOD experiences? I'm switching Escitalopram (*+ bupropion*) to Brintellix and I'd really love to hear some good experiences about this pill (if possible). **Nothing bad, please**. I'm already super anxious and nervous about this change.",Anxiety +35140,"Why do I feel weak and sick all the time? Freaking out for a month now. Bloodwork/uralysis results: https://imgur.com/a/divyBwV + +**Please click on the images and expand them before claiming they are too blurry to read. Thank you.** + +Bilirubin was elevated, but he said it was just Gilbert's syndrome? He is my new family doctor (Canada). Old family doctor would have done all sorts of clinical examination (feeling abdomen for things, listening to abdomen with stethoscope, neurological testing etc.), but new doctor barely looks at me. + +Daily fatigue began last March, improved somewhat in September, then worsened again in January. I've been experiencing the following symptoms for the past month+: + +* Muscle weakness - hands and legs feel shaky and uncoordinated, worried I'm going to drop glasses when I pick them up to drink, legs shake while I'm walking up and down stairs, etc. Worsens with exertion. +* Left hand feels weaker than right, and sometimes has pins and needles sensation. +* Extreme drowsiness +* Brain fog +* Flushing in legs, chest, head, and what feels like rapid temperature fluctuations from cold to warm. +* Lower left abdominal pain and discomfort. +* Nausea and dizziness +* Feel very hungry much of the time, often shortly after eating. Gnawing feeling of hunger. +* Seem to never gain weight despite eating 4 meals a day. +* Mild urine retention due to tight bladder neck (began 2+ years ago, diagnosed via cystoscopy in November) +* Infrequent sharp pain near anus/rectum +* Very twitchy eyelids - Initially it was only my right eyelid, but now my left eyelid twitches as well as eyebrow and upper cheek on right side. + +Stool is mostly normal, but: + +* Undigested bits of food in stool +* Feel like bowels aren't completely voided, but can't push the rest out. Feeling goes away after wiping. +* Stool sometimes broken up into large chunks instead of one long stool +* Stool sometimes thin and stringy + +Symptoms can be up and down, but mostly down, and seem to correlate with food on some level, although I can't figure out any meaningful pattern. I am unsure which symptoms are connected and which are not. The fatigue and weakness worsens with exertion, even just going for walks, making exercise difficult. + +I am a 30 year old male. I weigh 120-125lbs, and height is 5""6. I haven't had alcohol in over 4 years, and I've never been a heavy drinker. I eat reasonably healthy meals, and still maintain a reasonably high appetite in spite of these symptoms. + +Most distressing symptom by far is the fatigue and weakness. Can barely keep eyes open sometimes, and it can feel like I'm tied to a ball and chain. + +I had an ultrasound and liver workup, in addition to the bloodwork above, which were apparently normal. + +Doctor believes I have somatic issues related to anxiety and refuses to do additional testing or refer me to any specialist. I cannot find a new doctor, because there is an extremely long waiting list for family doctors. While I begged him for more investigation he practically sat there laughing at me and told me to go find another doctor if I wasn't happy. + +I am worried, and my quality of life is suffering. Should I just keep going to the hospital until they agree to investigate? What should I do?",Anxiety +51891,"Being bad at something new gives me anxiety I know it’s contradictory but yeah. Not sure if this has to do with being a perfectionist or if it’s something else. I enjoy the “rush” of learning new things and knowing things, but when it push comes to shove and I need to practice what I’m learning, that’s when I usually find out I still have a long way to go and will have to fail and make mistakes and actually suck at that thing for a while. It’s like I just want to skip to the “good” part. I feel like the work is only productive/useful when it’s good. + +How do you even deal with the uncomfortable parts of learning and growing? :( + +I just keep pushing on but sometimes it feels like I’m making no progress at all. And I know that “slow progress is still progress” but then my anxiety kicks in with bullsh*t like “other people are staying up and working their asses off while you’re celebrating a tiny step forward.”",Anxiety +52258,"Panic attacks I have a bit of a choking phobia well when I say but I means a lot. + +It causes me to panic but not very often. +I know it’s irrational I have never choked on anything … ever. + +I get mucus as I have a deviated nasal septum and sometimes that even makes me panic. + +I left my husband a few weeks ago and I am on my own now. +My god the choking anxiety has got so much worse to the point where I am panicking about the slightest change. + +I’m putting in the work and seeing a therapist and getting some medication from the doctors which I haven’t started yet. + +I kind of just want someone to tell me this will get easier that it will pass and go back to more manageable levels. +I feel like at times it’s driving me to want to go back to my husband cos obvs I must have felt so safe there is my anxiety was much more manageable however I know that’s not a reason to stay with someone. + +Everything feels really hard right now.",Anxiety +35071,"Fear of Brain Aneurysm presenting as Headaches and Pulsatile Tinnitus So for the last five years or so i (26m) have had some various symptoms that i am not sure are simply me being aware of them or something much greater. In particular I experience Pulsatile Tinnitus, where i can clearly hear my heartbeat thumping in my left ear much greater than my right. Exertion makes it much more noticeable. Occasionally I also experience mild to moderate headaches that seem to follow a distinct line from the back of my skull to right behind my left eye. Some mornings, if i sleep on my left side, I will wake up with a headache on the left side of my head that throbs in time with my heart, and laughing/sneezing/straining can create a very -weird- sensation in that same area behind my left eye. I don't know if i could describe it but to my HA-addled brain it seems like what you'd feel if you had a ballooned vein suddenly swell slightly. + +I also have been experiencing a slight visual disturbance in the left eye where lights and bright objects have a small, shimmery 'smear' above or below them, hardly noticeable unless I'm looking for it but still strange. I know symptomatic unruptured aneurysms can cause double vision but this seems to minor that I couldn't trust whether or not this is what 'double vision' entails. I have 20/20 vision, don't smoke, drink, or do drugs, no family history of aneurysms to my knowledge (my grandmother did die of a stroke; she was 86 though). I did have a MRI done when i first encountered these symptoms about 5 years ago and they found nothing; the visual disturbance was there during that time but I'm unaware if the pulsatile tinnitus was. + +I've had a long, bloody history with Health Anxiety and I'm reaching out to you guys to finally admit that i've got a worrying problem. Can anyone shed light on if my fears are justified?",Anxiety +35137,"Spinning out with health anxiety Hi all, + +New post, struggling big time with health anxiety, to the point that it is becoming hard to cope. + +I'm 36 years, old, I have two kids, currently nursing a 1 year old. About 4-6 months ago, I started losing weight. Initially I thought nothing of it, I figured it was just being a busy mom! + +But fast forward and within that time, I caught just the most random viruses, and badly. I caught a flu that immediately turned to pneumonia. I caught a viral rash from my 4 year old niece. My weight kept dropping. + +At this point, I started to become understandably anxious and curious as to what was happening. I had bloodwork during my pneumonia that came back ""normal"" in her eyes. But I noticed today there was elevated platelet count and low lymphocytes. Which are commonly linked to cancer of some sort. Why did I google it? + +I'm just spinning out, because I lost my dad recently to a very rare aggressive cancer. Something just doesn't add up. I'm just scared that it is something seriously wrong. I'm getting more bloodwork done to hopefully alleviate my worries now that I am healthy... it could just have been related to the pneumonia, and the weight loss to nursing, anxiety and being a busy mom. But I can't see her until next week, and it is just torturous waiting. + +Any tips on how to cope? Similar experiences?",Anxiety +34664,"Would you go to the doctor again? Alright. This is a pretty long story... I haven't had a UTI for about 5 years (I'm a 27 yo F) but about a month ago, I was in China and got one. Went to the doctor to get antibiotics, took them for 5 days. 2 days later, I developed super intense middle super low abdominal pain that almost made me faint - Broke out into a sweat, couldn't stand, ears began ringing. + +Went to hospital where they ran some tests and said the infection was still there, so they gave me another batch of antibiotics. These made me feel super ill every night (btw, at this point, the UTI stinging symptom is long gone) and by the 5th night I felt sick af and was vomiting. + +Went to hospital the day after and I still had the infection. So, 3rd batch of antibiotics. Went to hospital the 3rd night because I was nervous I had a UTI that lasted so long. They told me I still had an infection and that it was severe, So I should stay at hospital. Didn't feel comfortable doing that in a foreign country, so I got on a plane to Melbourne (where I'm from) the next day. + +Dad picked me up and took me to hospital. I did indeed still have an infection so they gave me a new batch and sent me on my way - I was asymptomatic at that point. 3 days later, I have muscle aches in my leg, I start feeling super weak, and my heart rate was really high (180 when I arrived at emergency) shortly after being admitted, I developed diarrhea. Doctor on duty thought I might have an undertreated UTI, so they administered new antibiotic via IV. I was discharged the next morning. + +Considering how long this UTI lasted, I followed up and had a new urine test 8 days later (last Monday) Called my GP's office last Wednesday and the results were normal (yay!) But was feeling worried because since Tuesday, I felt ultra uncomfortable in that region down there. Had an ultrasound on Thursday and went back to the doctor on Friday explaining my concerns. He told me my test results from earlier in the week were completely normal so it was highly unlikely anything was wrong. Gave me some tablets they apparently usually give to ""old ladies"" with bladder issues. + +Started feeling okay Friday night and Saturday. This morning (Sunday) I woke up and started feeling the same horrible, sharp pain that almost caused me to faint in China. It's right below my belly button, but at the pubic bone and it's SUPER fucking sharp and intense ☹ I've taken 6 paracetamol tablets today (spread out) But the pain hasn't completely disappeared. All this shit is making my hypochondriac tendencies go mental. It's almost 2:30am and I'm struggling to sleep because I feel so uncomfortable. I saw the doctor on Friday, I know, but this pain is fucking intense. Am I being paranoid or should I go back to the doctor tomorrow? I feel kinda stupid because he kinda laughed me off on Friday too... but... I'd also rather be safe than sorry. What would you do? 😦",Anxiety +52234,"How do you deal with depression as an entrepreneur? I run a venture-backed business and have lately realized that I might have mild to moderate depression. For the many, many months, I've been constantly overwhelmed, tired and frustrated, but for the past week, I've reached my breaking point, and now it seems that I've lost my drive, motivation, and it just feels numbing. I'm not excited by anything anymore. Fatigue all the time, and full of self-doubt. + +What will the best way to deal with this situation (not sure if it's diagnosed as depression)? Should I take some time off?",Anxiety +34853,"This has become devastating. m(24)So. I’ve always been a worrier. Worried about everything since I was little. I’ve struggled with OCD, and anxious thoughts for a long time. However, it seems that since a ER visit in the summer, I’ve been super aware of aches and pains more than I have in the past. It had led me down a road of constant deliberations on my own health. I have dealt with chest pain, lower-extremity pain, and seemingly much more. + +December was a rough month for me. A lot of stress about jobs and life changes. However, it seemed my health anxiety became insane. Heartburn ruined my Christmas. I have become so anxious. + +However, I am seemingly now facing my biggest challenge yet. For about a week now, possibly two. I have felt a small fluttering in my right abdomen. I have also been bloated and am constipated. I think it’s important to mention, I am not the best eater. Missing meals, not eating enough, eating one large meal a day, reliance on cereal. However, I went to see the doctor and she had said it was constipation. She prescribed some glyencol and said to up my fiber, and improve my diet. However, my intestines in the last three days have begun to contract or spasm. Almost like waves reverberating inside me. It’s not entirely stopping me from living, but it’s simply awful to feel. So now I fear the worst. I just want to live my life. The saddest part about HA is the fear that something could be wrong. I just needed to vent. This subreddit has been helpful. Thank you. ",Anxiety +34727,"I’m deathly afraid of getting a brain aneurysm My mother died from one when I was a baby, and I never really realized what it was until recently. Since then I’ve researched it, learned that if you have a history of them in your family you’re more likely to get one. Now I’m just dreading randomly getting a head ache, or just “pop!” Then I’m dead. Sometimes I can’t even sleep at night because I’m scared that it could happen while I’m asleep or it could happen the next day and that this night would be my last and I wouldn’t even know it! I’m thinking about going to the doctor to get a scan, but my step-mom says that I should only get one if I experience any/all of these symptoms: +Loss of balance, double vision, and loss of consciousness. Thing is I’m worried that I may not even get to that point and just outright die on the spot randomly one day.",Anxiety +34012,"Finally letting go of my HIV anxiety Today I took an hiv test a year from exposure. After a year of stress, anxiety, worries, etc, I am finally letting go. My result was negative. After a year of testing, I can truly say I am negative. I just want to thank everyone for your help and reassuaring words. Jbee, a special thank you to you as well. During this year, I lost who I was. I am usually a vivacious person, but turned into an anxious scrooge. Some of my interests and hobbies seemed no longer interesting. Now I am going to live full out! 2018, I'm ready for you!!! ",Anxiety +359,Vala lage na ar,Anxiety +34085,Hair fall So I've posted here before regarding my hair loss issue. I mentioned in my previous post that I have a very oily scalp and a lot of dandruff on my hair and as a result I have bald patches. Some people recommend me to see the doctor for second opinion so I visited another dermatologist today. She was able to diagnose my problem. She said I have a very severe hair loss at a very early age (I'm only 17). The problem she mentioned was androgenic alopecia. She said normally this problem is caused because of genetics but since none of my family members are bald it's probably due to an harmonal imbalance. So I'm wondering is there anyone who suffered from a similar problem and how did they manage to recover their hair?,Anxiety +52602,Anxiety symptoms Have u guys had this weird shooting pains in legs like I get twitching like maybe 2 twitches a day not a lot it’s mostly this pins and random pains in legs that none stop ? I get them in arms also and in my neck but mostly like my legs would go a lil weak sometimes when I stress about them and my left hand too but I can use them normally I’m even a boxer so I do my sport normally but they feel weak but they aren’t ??? Idk how to explain it guys but they go away when I distract myself,Anxiety +34924,"Can a lot of strenuous intense exercise after each other in a day cause heart damage? It was more than a week ago where my heartrate was high all day. For some reason I believe I damaged my heart without feeling any significant pain. This kind of thinking is fucking scary. It sends you right down the rabbit hole of anxiety. My heart was tested extensively almost a complete year ago and it turned out well. + +But then I rationalize that something bad happened and my perception of my beating heart becomes clearer and clearer and I feel it more and more. + +I don't know what to fucking do now. I am too lazy to go to a doctor again, to test myself for the so manyth (<-- not a word) time. But I have to.. Or not? Or do I.. I might die if I won't.. I'm fucking scared. Normal people won't go to the doctor when they feel nothing.. Or do they? What if my body is suffering in silence? Oh my fucking God. I cannot die.",Anxiety +35002,Why am i dizzy After watching a movie that had a brain tumor patient I've been feeling so lightheaded and off and honestly this is the first time my health anxiety has been back after years of not being active. I've been lightheaded for days and it's not getting worse but it sure aint getting better. I'm also just very stressed with school. I dont know whats going on. I cant check the hospital..this has happened last year and took a week to get rid of..whats wrong with me :( i just wanna live!!!!!!!!,Anxiety +34352,"All of my problems I have had a lot of traumatic events these past few years. Add to that I have always been a bit of a worrier. + +On top of that, my doctor told me I could have fibromyalgia (too soon to tell). I also had a superficial blood clot in my leg recently and read online that these can be associated with deadly DVTs. + +I am so worried about EVERYTHING. Ever single day I am stressed and nervous. I Google health and read about these things constantly. + +I am not sure what I need. I guess I just want suggestions (if you have any) and support. I really lost it after the latest stressful event (death of a family member). +",Anxiety +666,"I also feel like a person who is not good at being grateful. If you want to relax, you still feel restless",Anxiety +34220,"Terrified of heart disease Ever since I learned that heart attacks are preceded by jaw and arm pain, I've been walking around in a state of constant paranoia. Because I have asthma, chest pain / tightness is something I like with daily, so throw these things together and you have a recipe for an anxious mess. + +Eating is a nightmare. Every time I eat something even mildly unhealthy (handful of salted peanuts, for example) I can *feel* the sodium and cholesterol in my chest, coursing through my veins around my heart. I know that I'm just being anxious, but damn if it doesn't wig me the hell out. + +I got an EKG last summer and multiple CT scans (*including one in December), none of which have indicated heart problems. My blood pressure's a little high, but other than that, I'm technically fine. + +I know that everyone else on this sub deals with this, but damn does it suck.",Anxiety +34771,"Wtf is going on in my head? Normally I'm good at handling this, but I really need reassurance tonight. I rolled over in bed and accidentally strained the right side of my neck a bit too much. I immediately felt discomfort and started to get a dull pain shooting up my neck and into my head, all on the right half. My face felt numb-ish and now feels... not swollen, but I guess 'puffy' is the best way to describe it? I have a dull headache on the right side of my head. Totally freaking out. Should I be worried, or am I losing it over a simple muscle strain? ",Anxiety +34624,"Fear of Cancer Hello, +My friend 5 years ago was diagnosed with a big tumor in his head, which turned out not be a cancer. He figured out by accident, had no headaches and no symptoms like that. +They removed it, but he went through a lot of stress and is still taking injections everyday. + After this, me as a person suffering from anxiety, got to live with this fear, that there might be something in me, that i might not be aware of. And even when i have a headache or something like that, fear kicks in. +No one in my relatives had cancer and i know that this already decreases the chances, but still, i do a overal blood test, once in three months. +I dont know how to deal with it. +I even think to do a whole body MRI. ",Anxiety +52642,"Why can’t I just do things My bf is going out with some friends tonight and I was too scared to ask if I could come along. Normally I would but recently he said he wanted some space so it doesn’t feel right asking him if I can tag along places anymore. He’ll always say yes just to be nice. + +Then my friends call asking if we want to hang out with them and I’m like bf is already going out. At this point I freak out. Urgent social interaction and I would have to ask bf for a ride. No I don’t want to bother him. + +I feel stupid that I wanted to go out so bad. But when I was offered another chance to go out I declined because I was too scared of everything. + +I was too scared to ask to go with him + +I was to scared to ask for a ride + +I was too scared to go to an unplanned social event + +Tomorrow I have a planned social event and now I feel so insecure. It just feels like a cycle. Why can’t I just do these things? + +EDIT: next day and I found out he got a ride for once since he’s always DD so I couldn’t have asked for a ride anyway. + +If I had asked for a ride I think it would have been worse because he would have felt pressured to drive me which again would not be great since he asked for space a while back. + +I was feeling like the call was a sign to go out and I didn’t. So I was feeling down on myself for choosing to miss out. But now that I know I probably could not have gotten a ride anyway somehow I feel better lmao + +Weird how that works isn’t it",Anxiety +35685,"Tired of dealing with this I’m 17 yr female I’m pretty slim and small, and I’ve noticed I’ve had a fast heart rate for a long while now but lately it’s gotten bad. Three months ago, all of a sudden felt dizzy, my heart was racing so I went to the doctor and they took blood work which came out normal and sent me to a cardiologist. I’m guessing it was my first panic attack? My ekg was normal, he said he heard a heart murmur but thought I was okay and i had anxiety. He didn’t even feel the need to check my heart. But I still did a 48 hour heart monitor, didn’t really feel any symptoms, but it was still normal, he just said I had sinus tachycardia. This was a about a month or 2 ago and it feels like now everything has gotten worse. My heart rate is always 100+ and when I’m walking or stand up it’s 140+ sometimes. I was also walking to class upstairs and I was gasping for air and my heart was racing. The highest my heart I’ve seen my heart go is 195 which doesn’t sound healthy. My heart rate will also go from 50 to 100 randomly which concerns me? Yesterday morning I woke up with my heart rate at 170 so I went to the ER and my ekg was normal. My parents think I’m fine and the doctors say I’m young, it won’t hurt me and I’ll grow out of it. I have anxiety and panic attacks now because I’m always worried about my heart. I feel like i have no answers and like I’m running out of time :( ",Anxiety +35590,"How do we know that it is SVT rather than VTach? Very rarely, I will have these 5 to 10-minute episode of sudden high heart rate, above 180. I learned that this is may be SVT. I have already seen a cardiologist and she did all sorts of tests and concluded my heart is structurally normal and there is no worry. But no test has ever been able to catch these rare ""racing heart"" issue of mine. I have had these since I was a kid, decades ago. And I do have them every couple of months or sometimes there will be 1 or 2 years between ""attacks"". No other symptoms except the racing heart which feels like it's ""lightly beating"" so fast (I once counted up to 200+ bpm). On Holter the ""worst"" they caught was a few isolated PACs. + +&#x200B; + +Now I have been reading about VTach and this seems to be dangerous kind of arrythmia because there is a chance if can go to Vfib. Yeah, we anxiety sufferers are a hypochondriac bunch. + +&#x200B; + +So how do I know what I have all along is NOT VT? Now I am so afraid to be left alone and so afraid of those attacks whereas before I learned about VT, I did not mind them too much as my cardiologist assured me I am okay. But now, I am always thinking what if these are SUSTAINED VT rather than a more benign tachycardia??",Anxiety +13,Because this worry is you.,Anxiety +34813,"I used to always get migraines on my left side. Lately, it’s switched to my right side? I’m worried because I don’t think it’s normal to switch sides with a migraine. For years it was my left side, but lately the pain has been intense on my right side. Today, it’s been getting really bad for 10 seconds, and then it fades away. Could it be an aneurysm? ",Anxiety +34826,"3 month old corn dog I posted this in r/foodpoisoning but I doubt I'd get any help there. I'm about to have a panic attack over this crap. +I sat down to eat a corn dog. The first bite tasted a little unusual. I brushed it off and ate half the corn dog, when I checked the expiration date. November 2018. The corn dog looked fine other than thick grease coming out of it. Anyway, I have a fear of getting food poisoning, but I'm afraid I'm going to start throwing up later. Anyone know if I should worry about this or you think I'll be fine?",Anxiety +35295,symptoms at the same time everyday? 2 hours after I wake up....nausea strikes. After another 3 hours I start to feel off balance like walking on a boat & faint feeling. I have this every damn day.Im so tired.....,Anxiety +35779,"Breathing So almost a week ago I started to focus on breathing, I have no idea why, but I just did, and then I felt like I had to breath on my own. I started getting anxious and it kept on etting worse and worse, but then it started getting better a couple days ago, the feeling of getting breath is going down, but I'm starting to get morning anxiety and some lightheadedness. I'm still kind of scared I have something, what do y'all think.",Anxiety +700,"I swear I was happy this time, eh, tbtb, I was immediately sad, afraid, worried, mixed:""",Anxiety +35142,"Elevated Liver Enzymes!!! Help Hello all. I went in for a random blood screening as its been awhile. My cholesterol was high 223. While my AST level was 45 and my ALT level was 73. I am freaking out. I'm 38, workout at least three days a week. I do know my diet over the past two months is crap. Dont take tylenol....i am over here freaking out though. Anyone else go through this?",Anxiety +33975,"I've had an anxiety-free week and a half and then... I started catastrophising about having a brain tumor. + +All during the holidays I've had a constant fear of having a blood clot, and then that fear went away for a few days and I've felt great. And now I'm having daily headaches on the same spot and I'm so scared I have a brain tumor. I just got blood work done (just normal stuff) so I'm hoping that if I had something it would show up in that..... + +Anyone else have any advice in dealing with thinking i have a brain tumor and how to talk myself out of it ",Anxiety +35684,"Does anyone get anxious that they’re just making it all up? How do you cope? I’m experiencing some legit health problems in my life right now, but I can’t shake the feeling of “I’m just a faker, what if I have a somatic disorder, what if I have Munchausens, I’m an attention seeker, etc etc.” which is fucked up, because I would give anything to feel better right now! Obviously I don’t have Munchausens, because I wish that I was not sick. + + +It’s sort of ironic, having a legitimate health issue, and being so anxious that you convince yourself you are faking it and get scared that you have a mental disorder that makes people fake health issues. + +Does anyone else experience this self doubt when experiencing actual illness/health issues? + +Posted from an alt",Anxiety +34166,"Can 24/7 anxiety cause brain-Tumor like symptoms? 19Yo male here, I eat really healthy and exercise regularly everyday just to preface. + +I've always suffered from severe anxiety, particularly health anxiety, and depression(to less of an extent), I remember at 12 the fear of testicular cancer just plaguing my every thought for months because of a dull ache in my testes. + +Anyway, just before i started university for the first time a friend died of brain cancer, and all of my close friends' moms died of breast cancer when I was young, so I have a warped perception of how common it is, I guess. Aside from this my life has been filled with death, my father is terminally Ill, my mum was suicidal and almost died of blood poisoning, my grandma had vascular dementia and we cared for her at home until her death, more beyond this, grandparents, friends' parents, uncles and aunts. + +My anxiety since starting uni has worsened, I suffer an elevated heart rate and sweats 24/7, extreme worrying thoughts all the time, trembling hands, especially bad at night. + +I've not had any memory issues or coordination issues, it's literally just headaches, for the past few weeks I've been getting pain in very singular spots, never a full over generalised headache, it lasts for a few seconds to a minute and then disappears, and this happens a few times through the day. +The kicker is if I CAN remove myself from my anxiety it doesn't really happen, I was shopping all of yesterday with my girlfriend and didnt have any issues at all until we got into a quiet taxi, at which point my thoughts went rampant. + +I just feel like my anxiety is killing me, and it's really spearheaded into this fear of a tumor. I sleep awfully too because of my anxiety and grind my teeth severely, as well as holding my shoulders up and tight all the time. + +EVERY rational part of me says it's all a mental thing, but I cannot get that rational part of my brain to win over, I'm in constant states of terror and get these huge adrenaline rushes physically crashing over me daily. + +Should I see a doctor? Should I be hugely worried from the point of view of a Tumour? I've finally after years managed to bring myself to see a therapist, I start next week, I've just always felt myself as being a drama queen, but my life isn't even enjoyable anymore, I'm so sickly worried all the time. Thanks + +Edit; my mum also suffers from severe anxiety and depression, not sure if this has an impact, my dad is due for huge open heart surgery this year, could it be affecting my subconscious? Table death rate is quite high.",Anxiety +34431,"Rabies Anxiety I’ve had a series of hypochondriac scares over the past few years, but most recently I’ve been concerned about rabies. About ten days ago I let my indoor cat out in the backyard to sun herself and I caught her hissing at (what I think is) a neighbor’s cat that had jumped over the fence. I didn’t want them to get in a fight so I shoo’d the other cat away and waited outside for my cat to calm down. After about ten minutes I picked up my cat to bring her inside and she freaked out and bit me. Since then, the though that she might have given me rabies has been constantly on my mind, causing a great deal of anxiety. I know that my cat is vaccinated (she was given a 3 year booster 2 and 1/2 years ago) and the neighbor cat was not rabid. I know that rabies, especially from cat to humans, is very rare in the US. I know that I’m being absolutely ridiculous, but knowing that doesn’t help. I keep thinking maybe the booster wore off prematurely, or the neighbor cat did have rabies and my cat bit her before biting me. It doesn’t help that I woke up today with a headache and a sore throat, two early symptoms of rabies, and that I’ve been having nightmares where I loose my mind and become aggressive. +I’m not sure exactly what to do about this or what this post is supposed to do. I’m on lexapro for general anxiety and OCD tendencies. I guess I just want to be told I’m a healthy idiot. ",Anxiety +605,"I am in a phase where I am worried about the future, but we must leave positive thinking and trust everything to God while trying and praying for the best results.",Anxiety +34355,"Meningitis Terrified! Hello all, + +I’m a 22 year old male that too has significant health anxiety. + +I get occasional sinus infections and every time I google them it says “chance of sinus infection turning into deadly meningitis”. + +I know legally these websites have to inform the public but it terrifies me. So much so that I literally turn off my phone call out of work and curl up in bed in fear. + +Any reassurance, help would be lovely ✌🏻",Anxiety +34579,"Question about recovering from HA First off all I want to thank this sub for helping me get by from a bout of HA recently. I've recently been through straight non stop HA for a month and I've been feeling some physical symptoms that come along with it but today I finally got an all clear from my doctor that I'm perfectly fine. It honestly made me feel instantly better. I got my energy back, appetite etc. but I unfortunately am still experiencing a few of them, more specifically, different body aches, suddenly feeling cold and this burning back pain albeit they weren't as bad as before. I just wanted to ask if psychosomatic symptoms last for a while or are they supposed to disappear right away? + + +Thanks for any answers!",Anxiety +349,"When “relying on yourself” is the best answer to forget anger, anxiety, and disappointment",Anxiety +52007,"Advice greatly needed (26 year old female) sorry for the long post… I’ve been on anti depressants for about the last 12 years of my life. I was always on 100 mg zoloft & then switched to 20 mg lexapro in 2018, but went off of them for about 6 months in 2021 to try to live without them. At the end of those 6 months I started to get dizzy more often & have what I can only describe as uncontrollable thoughts. Not suicidal or thoughts of harming anyone, but I just did not feel in control of my emotions and I felt like I was gonna lose my mind lol & very depressed. So I got back on lexapro 20 mg & after a few months I started to feel average at best but better than before. August 2022 I started to get brain zaps/dizziness every day for over a month so I went to a new psychiatrist and got back on Zoloft 50 mg to start. I worked my way up to 75mg & started to feel a lottttt better, but in December my dad died and I was extremely close to him so that obviously set me back. I went up to 100 mg around Feb 2023 and have been having issues ever since. Very dizzy, lots of anxiety & panic attacks, and the weird uncontrollable emotions/thoughts and always feeling on the brink of a panic attack have been happening since. It gets A LOT worse at night and that’s when most of my issues arise. +Within the last 6 months I’ve seen an ear doctor to make sure I didn’t have inner ear issues causing dizziness, an eye exam (I got a small prescription mostly for being on my phone/computer or reading), and I got an MRI done and saw a neurologist. All has always come back normal so I’m thinking it’s a medication issue or lack of something. I’m mostly looking for advice or comfort to make me feel better since I’m not doing well lol. Thanks for reading ❤️",Anxiety +35206,Worried about glaucoma I have been worried about this on and off for about 8 months now. I have always had bad vision and it keeps getting worse. I’ve had eye exams every year and nothing about glaucoma was ever mentioned except for once when I was maybe 14 and they said they wanted to keep an eye on it but by the next appointment my eye was normal. The vision I my right eye has been getting worse and has just recently turned a bit red. I am 19 years old and studying to be a nurse but I cannot do that if I’m blind. Any thoughts about this? ,Anxiety +33957,"ecoli fear!! i just saw on the news about romaine lettuce and outbreaks of dangerous ecoli. I am now hysterical and having massive panic attacks that I will get it since I ate that lettuce yesterday. I cant stop googling symptoms and dangers and am making everyone mad. I am so afraid and cant calm down. Also, I feel sick but cant tell if its my anxiety or the lettuce now. Helo!",Anxiety +35663,"Chest pain crouching down Hello I'm in my twenties and fit , but sometimes when crouching down I get a sudden chest pain.It is very quick and gone in 20 seconds.is this serious?",Anxiety +34598,Sometimes I think about how there are people *actually dying* who are less fussed about it than I am. The shame is real.,Anxiety +35805,"Looking for some advice I just know how ridiculous this is going to sound and I would like to apologize in advance for that. + +&#x200B; + +Ever since Rachel Star Withers' face was eaten away by flesh-eating bacteria, I have been living under the constant fear that I might end up with the same fate as hers. I know how rare necrotizing fasciitis is (0.0004%) but I just can't seem to get my mind off it. I have, because of this, become a germaphobe and was compelled to wash my hands with soap after picking up anything from a surface that I consider just a bit unclean. As a result, my overly dry hands are now cracking and it's creating small, tiny wounds on my skin, which only made the situation worse cause necrotizing fasciitis usually occurs with certain types of bacteria entering wounds on one's skin. I understand that the best thing to do right now is to stay away from this irrational hand washing habit of mine but I simply can't do it. To make things worse, I always feel like I have touched something dirty when in reality, I haven't. For instance, when I walk pass a trash can a bit too close, I feel really uncomfortable and go straight to the bathroom to wash my hands. I only came close to touching it, but my mind is telling me that I have, indeed, already touched it. + +&#x200B; + +I have been going through hypochondria for quite some time but now I really feel like I'm going crazy. Has anybody ever experienced this? Can some of you please give me some advice on this. From how to deal with the flesh-eating bacteria craze to how to stop being a germaphobe. It can be anything. I just want all this to stop. + +&#x200B; + +Is there anything that I can do",Anxiety +34575,"DAE get anxious when it’s super cold? I’ve been visiting the Midwest for about 2 weeks, and my anxiety has been getting worse. + +I never get cold, and when I do, I assume something is wrong. I’ve been cold a lot, so I’ve been on edge, and every sensation is becoming aware to me.",Anxiety +35127,"Is my tailbone supposed to feel like this? I'm kind of freaking out. + +Recently in the shower, while checking my body for signs of anything off as usual, I felt my tailbone/lower spine and realized it felt totally different than it used to. + +I have no pain in my lower back or tailbone, but the actual bone itself feels strikingly different when I press down and feel it. I've felt my tailbone before, and it didn't feel like this. + +The best way I can describe it is like, there are several bony lumps on it when I swear it used to just feel like one single bone bump. + +Is there a way to accurately tell how tailbones are, well, supposed to feel?",Anxiety +34948,"Anyone else having a tough weekend? Just having a rough weekend. Anxiety is at an all time high, but a nice chat with a fellow Redditor calmed me a bit last night, so would anyone else like to share how they’re getting on this weekend? ",Anxiety +51966,"Mood tracking apps I've got therapy starting up soon and I have bad mood swings but I forget them a lot too and I need to track them. + +Does anybody know good app that lets you put more then one mood in a day?",Anxiety +35083,"would my may2018 ECG of picked this up? worried! so; yesterday I was drilling some wood and I out of nowhere felt a dul pain in my left arm and chest, I think it was brought on by putting arm in or moving it in specific positions, and when I took a breath, my left side of chest hurt! it went on like for a few seconds and the simptoms subsided but sometimes if I take a deep breath or lay in some positions it hurts the arm or chest but if I am just sitting still on my computer it doesn't hurt I read about silent hart attacks and this caused me to have my anxiety spiral out of controle again! If there was anything wrong in my heart, would it of showed up on my ECG or is it possible that this could be something new? I keep worrying but I haven't let this whole thing keep me from enjoying my day. I had my ECG in may of 2018 when my anxiety had spiraled out of controle over some palpitations that were 99.9% attributed to eating too many of those chocolate easter eggs. What I notice from the new simptoms though, is that the pains are very intermittent and come and go, like sometimes I will feel some chest pain if I take a deep breath, sometimes if I raze my arm, or hold it a certen way, etc I was able to get a good night's sleep but still worrying about the whole possibility of some undetected heart thing or a potentially dangerous problem. I am 25yo male, 145lbs ",Anxiety +52945,"Anxiety Causing Excessive Urination Hello everyone, i was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder at age 7. Im able to manage most of the symptoms with natural remedies except one which is excessive urination. SSRIs & Anxiety Meds do not help if anything they make it worse. Im now 27 and still suffering from the symptom. I have no physical illnesses and have seem numerous doctors and specalist and theyve said that everything is normal. It has recently started interferring with work and im now at risk of being fired from my job because they can not accommodate, even though i have a doctors note, they said the excessive restroom trips are causing business interruptions. I cant go to amusement parks, concerts, long road trips or hiking/walking trails because ill have the sensation of needing to go pee. Most of the time when i do go nothing really comes out...Does anyone else suffer from this or has suffered from it or have any solutions??",Anxiety +52154,"I find it hard to ask for help TW: discussion of anxiety symptoms + +Some context: I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years (but can remember symptoms cropping up at moments throughout my life) - I think it’s GAD as I’m mostly anxious about being anxious at this point. +Does anyone else find it hard to ask for help? when I’m stressed by general life things (job pressures etc), it does cause me to be anxious, but I hate telling people how I feel because I don’t want to burden them or upset them. I also don’t even think of asking for help, until I’m in a bad place and really need it. + +Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome this?",Anxiety +40,"waiting for uncertainty, please be anxious",Anxiety +52036,Buspar not for long term result? I just left my primary doctor and suggested BuSpar due to all the good things I’ve heard on here. Always turn down SSRIs because of sexual side effects and heard this is better. Anyway she told me buspar is effectively just like Xanax? That I can’t take both it’s one or the other? They’re both an “as needed” drug. Is this true? To me Xanax is a bandaid. Long term won’t change and work toward a cause. She made it sound like buspar is effectively the same even though it’s an SNRI not a benzo???,Anxiety +45,"Oh no I'm restless. The time will come. I walk with Jesus. Then my heart is calm.. Every time I sing a song I don't know, tomorrow in this section I always want to cry . Because I sing it but I don't do it . Sorry God I worry too much ️",Anxiety +35867,"Tip to help aneurysm fear! My uncle had an aneurysm and this is the most common thing mentioned by people that have them: it feels like “The worst headache of your life.” If you have a headache and you can think of a time when you had a worse one, you’re not having an aneurysm.",Anxiety +34642,"RED VEIN ABOVE TONSIL hi everyone, is it “normal” to have a red vein above one of your tonsils but not the other? + +23, non smoker or drinker + + +https://imgur.com/gallery/IyDGJ + +All input helps ",Anxiety +35022,Hate when I'm not feeling good Even just feeling dizzy and exhausted with identifiable causes (took like 3 different laxatives within the same 48 hours and didn't drink a lot of water) is making me panic. I wish I could feel better.,Anxiety +51921,Kids death How can I stop having fear about my kids death? I’ll go in a spiral just thinking about it. It’s too irrational but scary.,Anxiety +398,"I'm lazy to work, if I often feel anxious",Anxiety +555,I'm worried that the bad effects make my head hurt like I'm scared :(,Anxiety +35349,"Scared to Death about my eyes I’ve been having eye floaters that I can’t seem to ignore, mostly when I go outside or look at a bright surface. I get super anxious about them, but really I only notice them if I start to look. + +I went to my optometrist last Friday and he said that everything looked normal in my eyes at the time. But when I get anxious about them a lot I feel like I notice little pin pricks of light in my vision and other symptoms, but no loss of peripheral vision. + +I had pink eye at the beginning of this year and I think that may have been the culprit of these floaters, cause they only really became visible after then, but I just need some reassurance that everything is fine and will be fine. ",Anxiety +34732,"I'm so scared it's me again back with my head pains that I've been getting since October I went to the doctor on December 14th she gave me a diary to write my headaches in. I felt fine for a week after seeing her im not really feeling any sharp pains like i was but now I'm feeling dull aches at the base of my skull and behind my eyes its seriously scaring me so much, I literally cried last night because I'm scared it's a brain tumor or aneurysm I want to go back to the doctors and get an MRI so bad I hate this so much, im constantly scared I'm gonna die at 21.",Anxiety +52581,"First psychiatrists appointment. Meds?! So I made an appointment after months of avoiding it/being to anxious to call. + +I’ve read here that Ssri‘s are on of the go to types of meds to be prescribed for anxiety and panic attacks. + +I really don’t want to take any ssri, I tried one for my depression, had the worst side effects and It also really badly affected my tinnitus and also sweating +Then I found out this group of meds in general is bad for people with tinnitus that’s why I wouldn’t want to take them again (I know there are many different ones) + +If I tell those three concerns is it possible that they’ll prescribe something else ? I really can’t deal with more sweating, tinnitus",Anxiety +33967,Every time I stand up after laying down I get real dizzy and my heart races Just happened and I thought I was going to puke. I’ve had health anxiety for years. Had my heart checked out several times like 5 years ago. Always came back OK. Now I’m freaking out I have low blood pressure from a heart issue. I also get flip flop feelings in my heart. Almost like a skipped beat and it makes me cough.,Anxiety +517,"Ah, I want to tell you, I'm tired and suddenly panicked and thought about it. It really interferes with the activity. Especially now, UTS. It's been a long time, and it always bothers me, if it's like this, I can only cry. I hate sudden panic and anxiety because it's hard to think",Anxiety +35691,"Concussion anxiety taking over my life Let me just preface this by saying I've been essentially the hugest hypochondriac my entire life, even to the point of freaking out over a bat *maybe* biting me after it flew over my head once. I've never been this anxious about anything because getting a life threatening TBI is my hugest fear and it's basically consumed me. + +Almost two full days ago, I slammed my head four times within two or so hours against a few different walls. Not ruthlessly hard, but *just* hard enough to worry. I matched basically no concussion symptoms at the time but it hasn't stopped me from flipping out excessively. Since I woke up yesterday though, I've gotten minor potential symptoms that made it so I couldn't function in my normal life without freaking out, which has worried me. While I didn't get a headache, I had minor, non-painful, yet strange feeling head pressure, (especially when moving it,) slight sensitivity to light, occasionally feeling dazed, me not being able to remember or place words in sentences, etc. It became rough trying to figure out which 'symptoms' were from me freaking myself out, and which could be potentially real. I even stopped drinking coffee because I'm so freaked out caffeine could make my 'concussion' worse. + +The worst part came last night, when I dozed off while hanging out with friends watching a movie around 8. *I couldn't sleep.* I kept jerking myself awake and my body refused to do anything, heart racing, and it got to the point I kept taking 20 hour power naps until midnight where I'd wake up in a total daze with some of the worst anxiety I've had in my life. So, reasonably, I Googled symptoms to subdermal hematomas, which freaked me out even *more,* because now I'm convinced I have a brain bleed. I woke up this morning and I still feel dazed, still shaking, even though the only remaining concussion symptom is me feeling pretty dumb and detached from the world. Even *after* friends who've had real concussions reassured me, nothing's helped, in fact me Googling shit made it worse (like always.) + +I guess my rant results to me asking whether or not I'm justified being like this. I've been honest to God debating on just driving to an ER or something immediately despite potential freakout and the fact I'm only 18 because almost nothing else has entered my mind. The anxiety has been consuming me, and I'm 100% convinced I'm dying, and it's the *worst.*",Anxiety +52193,How to know if you're taking too much Ativan? In fear of addiction.,Anxiety +393,"Compromise to your heart's content. Restless , upset , happy , sad . It's like riding a gondola but don't know when to get off the ride.",Anxiety +35009,"Whilst falling asleep - jolted awake with panic. Any tips to overcome? Hi all, + +I’m currently battling with myself, I’ve convinced myself I have something wrong with my heart due to some pains in my chest, despite seeing the doctor twice and them confirming it’s nothing to worry about. + +Whilst I’m up and about in the day I can deal with it and distract myself. However, I’ve found that almost every night as I’m falling asleep, just as I drift off; I have a feeling my heart has stopped/I’m having a heart attack and it holds me wide awake. + +I’m at wits end, and so done with being exhausted every day due to it taking hours each night to actually get to sleep. + +My doctors haven’t been very useful with advice, so has anyone else had a similar experience and have any tips on how to get over this? + +",Anxiety +52544,"Work Anxiety I just started working at a new place a few days ago, people there super nice and it’s a good environment. But my previous work place (the first place I worked at, so this is my second job) Was a horrible. Very toxic and I’d go home crying every time. (I can go over a whole list of things that happened there) I already had a lot of anxiety but now even more then before. + +I loved it when I had no job, I never had to worry about putting on a mask for customers and coworkers or the responsibilities that come with a job. I hate the long hours because I can feel myself slowly breaking down inside. And when I get back home my anxiety goes through the roof for when I gotta work next. Even if I got days off, I’m so so so freaking worried that they’ll call me to come in when I’m not mentally prepared. I got to have time to psych myself up for work. I’m deep into customer service too so all customers scare me. I just Idk what to do, I’m an adult living with my parents and they pay for a lot of my stuff and I don’t want them to have to do that anymore. But I hate feeling on edge and heaps of anxiety all the time. I don’t know what to do 😓 + +Really needing advice or someone to chat to",Anxiety +35204,"I was doing so well... But now, I’m writing this from the ER. I woke up this evening around 3am with some sharp stabbing pains in the back of my left knee. It lasted about 5-10 min, which was just long enough for me to convince myself it was something fatal. + +I used to be in the hospital every other week, but I’d been doing well over the last 3-4 months and hadn’t been once, until tonight. + +Every little thing doesn’t get me anymore, but I guess the “medium” sized ones still do :(",Anxiety +35852,"Rash? Eczema? Scabies? ? I’m and 18F student and ever since coming to college I’ve had very bad health anxiety, where as soon as any small thing is wrong I’m online 8-10 hours a day trying to diagnose. +My most recent issue is a rash I’ve had on my forearms, wrists, and back of my hands for the past few days. It’s very itchy, mostly at night, and when I scratch I get hive-like spots that sometimes stay, and sometimes go away. I also have little white bumps that are very tiny and don’t show up well in pictures. I’ve been applying hydrocortisone 1% since Saturday night and it’s still happening so today I bought Benadryl cream and made an appt at my universities health services for tomorrow morning. +After looking online I’ve narrowed it down to hives, eczema, scabies, or maybe ringworm. I think scabies scares me the most. I woke up this morning to myself scratching my wrists like crazy after doing so good not scratching, and then I started hyperventilating because I was so scared because I have read scabies is worst at night. Also, I’ve been feeling itchy around my ears, scalp, and legs but nothing is as itchy or hive like as my wrists. +Overall I don’t really know what else to do as everytime I look at it I freak out and I can’t talk to anyone about it because they laugh when I say it might be scabies or something serious. I feel so stupid. [picture ](https://imgur.com/TBLL4Oc)",Anxiety +35466,"How do successful people come to terms with the fact that they have to die eventually? I've been going through some death anxiety recently (probably stemming from my anxiety disorder and worrying that I have a grave illness). I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I'm going to die one day, either from an illness or of old age. It's made me wonder how successful people come to terms with it while leading ""successful lives""?",Anxiety +33945,"Afraid I Contacted E. Coli I made burger Tuesday night and most of the way through eating it I found out the middle was very rare. I freaked out a little bit but tried not to stress about it, today I started getting diarrhea so now I'm afraid I actually have contacted E. Coli. The diarrhea doesn't have blood or anything in it and it may just be a coincidence but I'm somewhat freaking out. Overall I feel fine no nausea, and only had some cramping earlier in the morning but nothing in awhile. ",Anxiety +52838,,Anxiety +52675,"Trash can, rabies saliva, and many cuts on hand + +Hi guys, so today, I forgot to wear gloves when taking out the trash, and when I took out the trash, I saw squirrel feces, we have a lot of squirrels here. So when I threw the trash away, I accidentally closed it on my hands with cuts. Now my finger with cuts is itching very much. + +Could it have been rabies saliva on trash cans, and now it got into my hand from the trash can. This is our homes trash can which is outside our house. Am I overreacting and overthinking something I should not? Thank you",Anxiety +34851,"Glass baby food jar thrown at me hit back of my head should I be concerned? I was standing about 9 feet from my gf we were arguing and she threw a baby food jar at me hitting the top left back of my head. + +How do I know if its serious? No blood but a golf ball size lump and I feel fine but it hurts still. ",Anxiety +35311,Sharp pain in head About 8 mins ago I was just sitting down eating and felt a sudden sharp pain in my head. Lasted only about three seconds but I got up and started walking around about to panic. Always afraid of aneurysms and strokes. Would this be a sign of one? ,Anxiety +34108,"Can anyone describe what the symptom of back pain from cancer feels like? I read a lot that back pain is a symptom of cancer, However, I can't find a description of what that back pain feels like. I can't even find a description that says ""there is no commonality to back pain from cancer."" So it leaves me in the dark. + +Is there anything that describes what the pain feels like? Does it not stop, even if you lie still? Does it stay in one location or does it move around? Can it be light pain, or is it always a severe pain? I would love to know if there's anything common to this pain or if any back pain, ie. small, large, constant, only when moving, reproducible, non-reproducible, etc are all symptoms of cancer?",Anxiety +34397,"Inhalated AC/refrigerant chemicals Today, I was in sitting in a lounge area of a building at my university for about 10 minutes. All of a sudden, someone (who happens to be the professor of a class I'm in) walks by and asks ""Does it smell like burning plastic in here to anyone else?"". I took a whiff, and lo and behold, there was a *very* strong odor. A repair man eventually determined the problem to be that the HVAC system was leaking fluids into the ventilation. I left the building soon after the professor made his remarks, but I did return briefly a couple times to see if it had gotten better and to retrieve the laptop I left there. + +Since then (this was about an hour ago), I've kinda been feeling a weird sensation in my lungs or possibly my esophagus (not sure). How worried should I be about chemical inhalation, etc.?",Anxiety +34972,"I'm so done with these thoughts I can't deal with this anymore. Every ache, pain, itch or sensation is something that I'm hyperaware of. I can't go a day without thinking there's something wrong with me. Every night I lie in bed wondering if I'll wake up in the morning, and every morning I dread getting up out of bed. + +I'm not too bad when I'm with people, it's when I'm alone with my thoughts is when they really start to manifest. I'm 19 and currently in university and this is having an impact on my work and social life. This all began after I lost my grandmother to cancer last November. Seeing the struggle messed me up, and it didn't help that she died in my house and I spoke to her the night before she passed. + +I'm just so damn sick of this. What the hell do I do? I feel so suffocated by myself. I'm at breaking point. + +Tldr: grandmother died of cancer and now I am scared for my health.",Anxiety +52520,"Really struggling this week with my health anxiety wondering if anyone has the same issues? So I am on my last leg of a series of work trips away from home. I have 3 days left but the last few days have been terrible. I am constantly on edge worried my heart is going to give out to make matters worse I am waking up early in the morning in my hotel with a racing heart beat so my sleep is terrible. To make matters worse I am periodically getting pins and needles feelings in my extremities and/or face which is further driving my heart anxiety. + +I am a 43 year old male that is healthy and only slightly overweight and had a physical less than a year ago with no issues and low cholesterol ect. Even with this knowledge I still worry I am going to die alone in my hotel of a heart attack and just cannot seem to get my head straight. Anyone else have this issue or have had it in the past? Could really use some encouragement and advice. I feel like I should go to the ER to double check everything is ok but whenever I do this I end up paying hundreds to be told it is anxiety related. Appreciate any advice as I’m really struggling",Anxiety +35114,"Trying to knock this current bout of anxiety before it gets hold So I picked a spot on my back earlier, gross I know. But then I went and told my wife she could finish it off (she gets a weird kick from it haha) and she said ""that's not a spot babe"". Wow, such simple and meaningless words have sent me into a spiral in the last 30 minutes where I've already diagnosed myself with aggressive skin cancer. + +&#x200B; + +I guess all I can do is keep an eye on it, chances are it'll heal up and it was just an ingrown hair or something (don't have a hairy back but there are a few patches). + +&#x200B; + +I suppose I'm just venting here... but I know I'm going to be constantly checking my lymph nodes etc out of fear for the next few weeks. I can't be assed with this right now ARGH,",Anxiety +52500,"injury and illness fantasies tldr: does anyone else have fantasies about getting sick or injured and others feeling sympathy for you and how do you move past them? + +for as long as i can remember I've always had fantasies about getting injured or sick and having people feel sympathy for me and take care of me. as a little kid when i would play with my toys the stories i made up would always revolve around someone getting injured or sick and others taking care of them. I've always felt so embarrassed and ashamed of these fantasies and I've realized i probably bave these fantasies cause all I've ever wanted was someone to notice how much I'm struggling and actually comfort me and understand how hard everything is for me. but these fantasies just make me feel like a terrible person. I've never admitted this to anyone just cause of how awful it makes me feel when i think about the reality of my fantasies.",Anxiety +52625,"I’ve been waking up multiple times at night with elevated heart rate. Is that anxiety? I’ve been waking up daily for the past month multiple times with elevated heart rate. It only lasts a min or two and my heart rate goes back to normal. Is that anxiety? When it started, I was in the middle of a very stressful situation. But that has passed and I am still experiencing racing heart. How do I know whether it is anxiety or underlying health problems.",Anxiety +52507,Does anyone else suffer from dental anxiety? How have you cured it? I'm not talking about a fear of dentists. (Though I have that too) what I'm talking about is the fear of having something wrong with your teath. Worrying about every speck or black spot that I see. Checking my gums constantly to make sure that they are ok. I spend so much time in front of a mirror and a light checking to make sure there are no new signs of any dental issues. This is on top of brushing my teeth after everytime I eat (usually). It's getting so stressful for me. To the point where I dont really have the energy to do things that I want to do or hobbies. How the heck do I get this under control? Does anyone else suffer from this. I think part of my fear is that A) I've had bad experiences in the past with dentists/dental work. B) I've started taking care of my teeth now but I'm worried old problems will show up. C) I don't have the finances for something to go wrong with my teeth. I save as much as I can but I don't make all that much so yeah.,Anxiety +35097,"Losing sleep over losing sleep I might have a stomach ulcer. Maybe, probably? I went to a doctor who said I might have an ulcer, but didn't do any tests. Two weeks later I went to an urgent care doctor because I had been up 30+ hours with discomfort and nausea. They did a blood test and said I was h. pylori negative, but I'd been on Prilosec for nearly two weeks and apparently that can affect the test outcome. Was told to keep taking the Prilosec. About a week later I went back to urgent care because I was still losing sleep over nausea. On three or four occasions I have woken up in the middle of the night overheated and needing to vomit, almost fainting in the process. I also have pretty consistent abdominal pain across the entirety of my abdomen, which worries me because Google says that I'd feel pain only in the middle. + +I have really bad anxiety and this health crisis has spiraled me into depression as well. I've changed my entire lifestyle in the last month over this--all I eat are carrots, potatoes, apples, peanut butter, and yogurt. All I drink is water. Everything I do I scrutinize and I'm horribly afraid something will happen to my supposed ulcer and I'll bleed out (especially since I'm away at college and hours from my family). Has anyone dealt with and been officially diagnosed with an ulcer? I'm seeing a specialist in two weeks to hopefully be diagnosed, but I'm having a hard time waiting and would like to know if anyone has experienced anything similar.",Anxiety +52262,"Marijuana Use Hello All, + +Just wanted to drop in to see for those who use marijuana as a means of battling anxiety such as myself. Which strains have provided you the most relief?? I am a medical patient in the state of PA so this is fully legal. Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +35061,"I cut shallots yesterday afternoon, and one of my eyes STILL burns. Now what? This is going to sound dumb, but I'm really not sure what to do. + +I have flushed my eye with water multiple times, and blotted it with a cool, damp paper towel. +The area under my top eyelid still burns, and it's been 18 hours since I cut the shallot. I did not touch my eye directly at any point. + +Am I in danger over this? Do I need to get to an eye doctor today? Or is there something else I can try? I have allergy relief eye drops, but I'm afraid it will make my eye burn more. ",Anxiety +110,"I swear I can't sleep...sleep anyway, but I don't sleep...so restless..",Anxiety +52489,"Now All we have is now. Not the past not the future, just now",Anxiety +719,"Day 3, I'm getting restless.. -FZR-",Anxiety +52955,"I think I‘m gonna pass out from anxiety I am absolutely spiraling about some things that happened today and I am very anxious about some things that‘ll happen in the next months. +Today my anxiety has reached its new peak. +I am extremely nauseous, lightheaded and it feels like there‘s a thousand butterflies in my chest. +It feels like I‘m about to pass out from anxiety and I don‘t know how to calm myself down. I‘ve tried to distract myself, but it doesn‘t work. +What can I do??",Anxiety +34056,"Website blockers help a lot I block all search engines and all health websites so I cannot ""research"" my symptoms and start freaking out about my health. My health anxiety diminished significantly since implementing the blockers. I highly recommend using them.",Anxiety +52251,"How do I know I really have GAD? Because of my bad academic performance I was advised to go to see a doctor + +and I did, after 1h of taking he said I have a slight depression and GAD and gave me a description to take Brintellix I didn’t feel I had GAD so I went to see another one this time I didn’t talk much it was quick 20m and still the second doctor said the same slight depression and GAD this time the description is 75g of venlafaxine + +Should I take the med or see a third one?",Anxiety +35207,"Have sore lymphnodes form infection in arm. Worried about sepsis I had a small pimple on the inside of my right arm come up last Thursday. The area started hurting and the lymphnodes on my armpit became tender. I went to a walk in clinic Monday and they drained the pimple and sent me out. I went back in today and they looked over the area and gave me antibiotics due to the lymphnodes still being tender and the pain radiating into my chest. + +I picked up the prescription and got home and realized I have the wrong prescription. So now my worry is that it will get a lot worse through the night and I’ll develop sepsis.",Anxiety +34738,"I had an ECG about a month and a half ago. Am I still good or should I take another one? Hey guys, I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety the past couple of days which none of it seems to get better. I’m dizzy and have chest muscle pain same with my right arm. Shortness of breath. I had an ECG done about a month and a half ago (I’ve had heart failure symptoms for about 2/3 months now), is it possible that I need another one done or would the ECG have picked it up? ",Anxiety +541,"A heart devoid of prayer and praise to God - easily restless, impatient, and angry for no reason.",Anxiety +52551,"Some positivity Coming up on a month on 50 mg of zoloft, and just over a month since the start of this anxiety thing. I'd say I'm 80% better. Almost all of the physical symptoms have subsided and the mental aspect has greatly improved. I've had small spikes here and there and my heart races like once a day for a few minutes, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! For those in a similar situation keep your chin up and keep going, it gets better 😀",Anxiety +53007,anxiety nausea back at it again literally had to get up and leave idek why it’s a thing bc i don’t end up throwing up,Anxiety +51981,"Benzos don’t work for me anymore?? I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine",Anxiety +33972,"Cold Extremities, anyone? Or is it just me and 0.0001% of the population? Okay I’m exagerating. [26/f] But seriously, I have cold legs, feet & hands everytime. Why oh why?!",Anxiety +35092,"I'm so scared because of chest pain :( I'm a 20 y/o female who's always had a high resting heart rate (80-115). I am currently on my period so it is possible it could be related to it but I'm not sure. I had a baby over a year ago and still have some milk, so I thought this might have something to do with the chest pain. I have a history of acid reflux, but I haven't noticed it in about 9 months. The only heart-related risk factors I know of is just that I'm anemic, vape, and that I'm about 35ish pounds overweight. The last 24-36 hours I've noticed some slight pain on the left side of my chest. It isn't that bad, it just feels like its slightly clenching and it makes me nearly have a panic attack everytime I notice it. I first noticed this happening the other night when I got extremely upset and my heart rate went pretty high. Do you think this is anxiety symptoms, breast pain, or actually heart pain? I'm really scared so any replies are greatly appreciated!",Anxiety +52197,"Does anyone else have EXTREME guilt? I can’t lie. If I even try I feel like I will explode and I have to immediately tell the truth. Like yeah, not a bad thing to tell the truth but the extreme feeling is also not good. + +My current example is my buying something as simple as a buying something online. I ended up not wanting it and it was a non refundable, non returnable item. So I receive it and it doesn’t work how I want it (nor look how I want it) so I email the company saying it didn’t work properly. They send me a refund and I was like okay all is fine. BUT then I try the item again “just to make sure” it didn’t work… it worked. So I’m guilty for lying even though I didn’t think I was. I’m sending the item back to the company so it is like it never happened but I still feel SO guilty??? I even told them in the email it started working! What is wrong with me",Anxiety +52397,"Prescribed Propranolol(Inderal) So I was prescribed this medication a few weeks ago to go with my mirtazapine for anxiety and my irregular heart rate. Has anyone taking this medication seen a change in their menstrual cycle? I’ve been clockwork every 29-31 days for years. Currently 5 days late, took a test, negative. That medication is the only thing I changed, and my pharmacist said it typically doesn’t cause that. I feel like I’m the only one who’s had this issue 😅thank you!",Anxiety +51910,"Does anyone else experience Catalonia ? I have severe anxiety, when I’m really stressed or get triggered I zone out completely . It’s really scary does anyone else experience this? it’s like the lights are on but nobodies home.",Anxiety +35619,"Bleeding after having bowel movement So I’m a 24y female. And every time I have a bowel movement I bleed. There won’t be blood in the stool, but when I wipe. + +This has prompted me to... inspect my asshole if you will (I feel weird admitting this). Anyway, i have tears that bleed. It feels slightly painful while in the process of defecating but after I’m ok. Now, I know this probably just anal fissures but at times I worry that it could be serious. I’ve been taking cymbalta for almost a year to help me with my health anxiety. + +I just need to know if anyone else has anal fissures and how to combat them? This is making me nervous Everytime I use the bathroom. Sometimes the blood is minor sometimes it can be a good amount. It seems like when the year is ALMOST healed I make it come back ☹️. + +I also do strain.. if that could be a reason. Thanks for reading and replying if you do",Anxiety +224,Is there something that makes me nervous,Anxiety +34628,"Anxiety, panic and my heart I don’t really get it, I mean I do but, I don’t at the same time. Like today, I just had a really bad panic attack all because I went for a walk. I’m 26 and quit smoking about a month ago now. I know nothing is wrong with me, except that I used to smoke and am struggling with things like shortness of breath etc. but, every time I get my heart rate up even a little or feel short of breath my anxiety kicks in then quickly turns into a panic attack. I get ALL the usual symptoms, tight chest/chest pain, light headed, fast heart rate, and those agitating urges to hit the toilet among other things. + +I’m afraid of having a heart attack and constantly monitor my heart. It’s debilitating because I don’t want to go for once enjoyed walks, a run or even work...nothing that would increase my heart rate even a little. I really do hate it and I just want to get over it but, the slightest internal change just sets off my panic. + +I’ve been to several doctors, though not since I stopped smoking, and everything has always come out fine. No heart problems on ekgs, ultra sounds or X-rays etc. No major problems in the slightest. + +My mom thinks I’m insane. She used to have panic from excessive worrying but, never health related anxiety. She’ll confront me about it sometimes and I think it’s just so she can tell me how crazy I am anymore. As soon as I try to explain my fear she rolls her eyes, waves her hand and walks off with some ridiculous verbal response. I wonder how she’d feel if people did that to her years ago with her excessive worrying. I’ve told her to stop talking to me about it if she’s going to be that way but, it hasn’t deterred her. + +She tells me she’s been right where I am but, got over it and treats me like an inferior because the magic trick she used doesn’t just work for me like it did her. I call it magic because it was like she was all better over night. ",Anxiety +53016,"Dog walking (animal shelter) anxiety reduction I have been volunteering as dog walking which is helping with my anxiety lately. I had anxiety contributed by family and work. + +You can always check ur nearby shelter for dog walking instead of adopting.",Anxiety +34850,Need medication to help get myself over health anxiety. Do any of you have any suggestions? Title says it all,Anxiety +35203,"SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU ALL So i have been agorohobic and having panic attacks for 6 months now. I have SEVERE health anxiety and would LOVE TIPS. + +So basically I have chest pains (not in the heart area. It's like far left under breast. Sharp pain sometimes) I've had ekgs and blood tests and physicals. I cannot get over the fact something is wrong. Everyday. I'm afraid if I throw up I'm going to die. So being nauseous is my biggest fear + +I go to doctors every other week to get evaluated and I always get sent away. Sometimes I break down and just start to cry and say ""I can't die now. I'm so young. Please. I can't die. Help me. I don't want to die."" over and over again becuase my toe hurts. + +I'm in therapy and working on it. It's ptsd from a year ago when a client (I am a CNA) I worked with closely felt a little sick and got out of the car and threw up and died as I did cpr and he bled all over me. Then 2 weeks later my grandma died. Then 2 weeks later two friends died of random heart attacks. Healthy 20 year Old college students with no history of drugs or alcohol. One was found on her bathroom floor and they found out she had an unknown genetic heart condition. The other was eating with his girlfriend and on the way home said he felt a little sick to pull over. He threw up and died of a heart attack there. + +Basically I'm terrified I have a brain tumor and my physical symptoms of my panic attacks are severe. I can't speak. My throat closes and I gag. I get cold sweats and I can't even get up to pee or drink water. Every single tiny little ache or pain in my body I fixate on for the whole day and Google 50 symptoms a day. + +I take my spo2 10 times a day. Blood pressure 8 times a day and heart rate 15-30 times a day. I've never been diagnosed with any condition ever. I've never had high BP. My hr is 62. + +I'm 22 and terrified daily I will die any second and I'm working SOOOO hard to not live like this. But it feels like a million things to work on at once and my health anxiety doesn't get addressed as much. ",Anxiety +453,Looks like I'm going to leave WhatsApp aka I don't want to open it often because I don't know why I'm worried every time I open it,Anxiety +35214,"Should I see a neurologist? Worried about Brain Tumor? Hey everyone, + +I've been a bit worried about having a brain tumor in the past few days. Had some small headaches two weeks ago, usually when I had shitty sleep. Had some more bad headaches this past weekend, though I had shitty sleep. They came in the morning and then in the evening. Took some Ibuprofen and it went away, but kinda came in a dull ache when I was starting at the computer screen about two hours later. + +Ever since Monday, I have not had the headaches except sometimes in the morning when it is a dull kind of feeling, not really a pain. I dont wake up with them but then I start thinking about the headache and felt stressed and then it came on. Goes away after two hours and it hasnt come up again the past few days. I had one today and I took a tynelol and the pain went away after an hour. Also haven't had nausea, unless I had pizza pops or greasy food. No Seizures, though yesterday as I was sleeping, my right leg moved a bit but that was it. I dont know if thats a seizure. + +Not any cognitive problems. My speech and personality are fine but I have been on edge as I have been thinking and reading about Brain Tumors. Recently, with my memory, I am able to recall stuff fine but when I remind myself to do something after, I kept repeating to myself what I have to do because I read about someone who was worried he had a brain tumor and he kept forgetting stuff after 20 seconds. After this, I am worried I might be forgetting things. I did a memory recall test where I got over 84% in recalling images. Im not forgetting questions or anything of the sort, but I have been on edge recently. I am 21. + +I do have a cold, and had some pressure in my ears and nose that have gone away, but I am going to see the doctor. Do you think I should see a neurologist? What I am worried about is the headaches in the morning? They were bad this weekend, but got better and have not been painful. + +Generally, I found the headaches occured when I had bad sleep. I've been sleeping quite late, like at 2:30-2:50 and waking up at 9 or 10. I do move a lot when I sleep so I probably sleep past that. + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +256,"I wake up this feeling of restlessness, the title is... I sleep late, I still wake up in the morning",Anxiety +34477,"How to stay up late during the night? I am so curious that why some people can stay up late at night and still look good the next morning. Some famous people only sleep four hours, but how can they be energetic and efficient? + +",Anxiety +386,"I'm so worried, my cellphone is about to fall again",Anxiety +34384,"Convinced I'm dying from visiting auto body shop Hi everyone, + +So basically I’m freaking out because I’m thinking about how I used to visit my estranged dad’s body shop from time to time growing up during the summer. I can’t imagine that I would have gone more than 10-15 times or so in a given summer, and some years I probably only went a couple of times, others none at all. + +I would go to work with him to wash/vacuum cars, answer the phone, and sometimes wetsand cars. However, there would be times where I would follow him around to his back shop to check on his employees. Or, I would go back there to let him know that a customer was waiting for him. I’m currently freaking out bc I can’t imagine that being in that environment while guys were doing work could have been good for me, even though I wasn’t doing any sanding or painting myself. His back shop is rather large, and he would keep his garage doors open for ventilation https://imgur.com/FviJwNq see building on the left). I think I remember a couple of times in the winter I was there and he had the doors shut though. I probably opened the door to the paint booth a handful of times to scream in there that someone was waiting for him. + +My biggest fear is that I’ll wind up getting cancer or something years down the line from now. I probably first went to his shop when I was 5, and stopping visiting after I was 18 or 19. I have no idea how secondhand exposure to this stuff works. Does this limited secondhand exposure to dust/paint as a kid pretty much guarantee problems down the road? Or does that typically require years of direct exposure? + +Was my dad 100% in the wrong for letting me come to work with him in the first place? Part of me thinks that its quite common for kids to go their family-owned businesses, but still. + +It’s gotten to the point where these thoughts dominate my mind, and its very difficult to care about anything, since I feel like I’m dead anyway. + +I think its entirely possible that I’m overreacting, and this anxiety is brought on by the fact that I just graduated college and started my first job. + +Can someone please let me know what they think? + +Edit: I found some pictures of his shop so that you can see what the environment was like, for what its worth https://www.facebook.com/pg/Sudden-Impact-Autobody-INC-161287353937984/photos/?ref=page_internal",Anxiety +34121,"Lung Cancer teenage What are the chances for a teenager to have lung cancer from smoking 4 years? + +I am worried a ton since I had this blood in phlegm twice (once in a snot), 4 days ago, small amount, which led me to think that I have lung cancer. +During that period I had a cough, fever, throat ache and irritation and runny nose. I do have sinus problems. + +Now, 4 days later, not smoking, I dont have a cough, fever, or anything listed above neither I noticed any blood anywhere anymore. I function normally, go outside, have more stamina, etc. + +",Anxiety +709,"Ado is nervous because he failed to damage the structure of the klrgo wong. brags about your stepson. I'm still able to study until today, my parents paid for it. Ctek affects idk. Hanging out to drink and eat my edop? I'm not. Prcma bragging about your kprgo. My father is still able to keep his word.",Anxiety +35091,"Middle back pain when breathing deeply. I've convinced myself I have a pulmonary embolism. Screw you, health anxiety. I'm trying not to spiral out but it's really hard. ",Anxiety +33999,"Is it worth giving up drinking Coke/Pepsi? I’m 17 and I have been drinking coke daily for as long as I can remember... I want to feel healthier, less stressed, more energetic, less anxious and was wondering whether giving up coke would materialise this. + +Thanks ",Anxiety +34683,"Gave wife oral So i have always been hesitant to do any unprotected sex because i am terrified of stds. But yesterday night i licked my wifes vagina for maybe 5 minutes without a barrier. We have never gotten tested for stds although my wife has had gyno examinations and pap smears and nothing has come up. Also i havent noticed any warts or anythimg on her. +I knowbit sounds silly, but what is the chance that i could get chlamydia / gonorrhea? Is it possible that she carried those diseases for 3 years since we met and i havent noticed?? Is it even reasonable to think that tou could catch those from the activity described?? Note that i do suffer heavily from health anxiety. +Thanks to whoever replies seriouslyand sry for typos im om my phone",Anxiety +52233,Question I have had about a week of full blown anxiety. When you have an episode do you feel completely exhausted and weak?,Anxiety +34518,"Anxiety -> ... -> tender neck muscle To start, I've been going through a lot of health anxiety the last few months. I've never actually felt sick or anything, but this basically stems from getting fixated on swallowing/hyperawareness for months on end. + +It started out as if it might be tmj pain, but recently it was tongue pain, mostly when swallowing, for a few weeks. After I finally went to a dentist, assuming I must be scraping it on sharp teeth or something, they weren't able to find anything wrong. That has since eased off, I assume because my anxiety about it relaxed, but now it's more focused on a tender spot that seems to be on my scm muscle...which I saw can be a cause of swallowing pain. + +The upper front end, just below the corner of my jaw, spanning about a half-inch. It feels as if it's bruised or something, and it seems to be super tender to the touch. I don't feel any strange lumps/lymph nodes, and my salivary gland above it feels fine, it seems to be part of the muscle or a tendon in there. Pretty close to the surface. I've read that trigger points in the digastric might be involved, causing ""pseudo-scm pain"" but it's been driving me crazy. I've also been feeling a lot of tension around the upper shoulders. + +So I wanted to just see if this all sounds like a reasonable idea of what's happening, and if anyone's got some advice. It's super irritating and it's really hard to take my mind off the tenderness. I'm going to try and get a massage next week I think. Any help would be much appreciated",Anxiety +34236,"I'm afraid I have breast cancer in my 20s But I don't know if it's just paranoia, anxiety or my period. My period's never caused this before. A few days before my period started one of my nips was hurting really bad and it kinda kept me awake for a bit, then my breast in general was hurting. It went away after a day, but now a week later it's happening again. Could it be breast cancer even though I'm 22? How do they even test for breast cancer? I don't know if I'd even qualify for getting a mammogram. I'm not sure if I still even have insurance. Also relevant, I've always had a lump in one of my breasts, ever since I was like 18. But it never worried me because I was so young and google said it was probably nothing. And it's been four years since I discovered it and it never killed me. What if though??? I'm definitely not pregnant so it isn't that.",Anxiety +52406,"Small vent, I couldn’t accurately state my objection when going for coffee with co-worker So this morning I already bought a coffee and just started to drink it at my desk when a co worker came by and ask if I wanted to go get coffee. I said yes and said I will just continue to drink this one I have, but he said just get another one. For some reason he thought I was finished and said to get another one. +He did eventually buy me another coffee so I just through out my half drunken coffee in the trash since he bought me one. I felt disappointed in myself for not being more clear. In this types of situations I have a problem making myself heard clearly and precisely. +I guess there more work to be done. +Thanks for the vent session.",Anxiety +34196,"Getting a lot of trapped wind over the last few weeks My diet hasn't changed at all so I doubt it's intolerance. There isn't any blood in my stool and I have no issues in going to the toilet. + +Any ideas on what's going on? ",Anxiety +35549,"Cervical Cancer I realize this is something I need to get checked out professionally though idk if it'll be possible soon. + +I, 23F, have had bloody discharge for over 2 weeks now. And though I don't fit into the risk factors (never had sex, don't smoke) and dont have any other symptoms, this is really eating my head now. + +Can anyone please share their experience or knowledge regarding this? ",Anxiety +34392,"Need some support this week! Hi friends! Long time reader, first time poster. I've suffered from health anxiety for a few years now, and I'm currently going through one of my worst bouts yet. + +I'm getting a colonoscopy later this week because of some gastrointestinal issues (I'm in my 20s), and my doctor has assured me multiple times he is not expecting colorectal cancer based on my symptoms. However, it's all I can think about. I can't stop Googling my symptoms, finding people younger than me who were diagnosed with cancer, finding people with less symptoms than me finding out they had cancer, etc. + +Just looking for any advice to get through the next few days. Sending so much love to everyone who has to live like this. ",Anxiety +35432,"Tips to *NOT* google symptoms? At this point it's become almost automatic. The second I feel something even a little bit off, my fingers go to the ""new tab"" button, and I start typing whatever I'm feeling in the search bar. + + +Does anybody have any tips or helpful advice for ways to avoid doing this? ",Anxiety +35671,"Sensation of throat closing So yeah been rough with HA, most notably an anaphylaxis fear. Every so often my throat just feels tight, or odd sensations in my throat make it feel hard to breathe, it feels like it’s closing which sends me into a panic. I want to know if this sensation is normal for HA. I can barely eat or be close to anything with nuts or seafood without freaking. + +Sometimes the feeling happens at random, without any cause, sometimes when I’m eating. Any advice on how to get over this? 😓",Anxiety +52327,"I hate that doctors don't like prescribing Benzos I have Tinnitus and the only thing that puts me to sleep is Ativan .5 mg. I know people who've been on a low dose Klonopin for years and nothing happened to them. I hate SRRIs because they give you insomnia. It's frustrating that all they wanna give you is a bunch of off label medications that have more side effects than benefits. Everyone keeps saying 'yoga, melatonin, ba bla bla..'. They wanted me to take Gabapentin which is used for people with seizures.",Anxiety +35098,"Is anyone else afraid to ride in cars? I’m afraid of the sun coming in the side and harming my eyes (I’m legally blind), so I ride with my head down and eyes shut lol. How do you avoid eye damage in a car?",Anxiety +35182,"Shortness of breath whole day Have this feeling I cant breathe and struggles in inhaling air . Also searched the internet about it and they gave me lots of nasty disease like TB,anemia and Gi bleeding so i took some iron supplements to maybe replenish my iron. +; ( +Everytime I go to school and have this feeling it makes me think im about to die any minute.",Anxiety +701,"I'm too worried, it's just a weekly event",Anxiety +230,"I don't know whether to be happy or sad. And don't know how long this feeling will last? I'm the one who feels it just great every day coy.. confused about my own feelings. Sllu not calm, restless. But, just give up.. there is God. My son, yes.. Shaina can.",Anxiety +35550,"Am I Going Crazy? So, I’m a healthy 27 year old American woman (today is my birthday) and the last few months have been almost unbearable and I can’t seem to get a grip on anything. For reference, it all started last November when I started having pain in my upper left abdomen that wouldn’t seem to go away. I’m currently living in Spain, which is where I’m currently living and working. My doctor said that I had acid reflux and told me to what I ate. Pain persisted, lots of mucus coming out, constipation, tons of gas. Decided to take a probiotic and managed to get my symptoms to disappear for a month while on winter break. Then in January, the pain came back. My stools were hard and dark, and the pain was consistent. Had an ultrasound and was told that I had tons of gas in my colon so they couldn’t see clearly, but my other organs looked good. But then, my coworker suddenly began having blood in her stool too and many intestine issues. Turns out that she had worms. I decided to check my stool, found something that looked like a worm, went to the emergency room, tool mebendazol to get rid of the worms (This also made sense because I lived in Asia for 2 years before Spain and had just recently moved). +Just after my first dose of mebendazole, I started to have a weird feeling in my lungs. Felt like I couldn’t breathe in all the way, but that was it. Anyway, in addition to that, I began to have sinus pressure, a mild sore throat, and drainage. +I took my second dose of the worm medicine, had a stool sample that came back clear of everything (no blood), and even a chest X-ray that was clear. I’ve been secretly worried that I have colon cancer since a friend of mine suddenly died at age 25 from it. She had no symptoms and went to the doctor with a persistent cough and ended up having stage 4. Since my lung issues flared up, I’ve been so worried that I have some cancer that has metastasized and went to my lungs. I haven’t been able to completely shake this cold yet and it’s been over 3 or 4 weeks. I still wake up and spit up yellowish colored spit. Lungs feel a bit off. To make matters worse, I’m still having stomach problems after being cleared of the worms and my doctor says that I probably have IBS. Then, last night, I began having heart palpitations and rushed to the emergency room. My EKG was normal and my blood test was normal. She said I have pvcs and need to relax. Honestly, I just feel like I’m shutting down and I haven’t felt healthy in a long time. I can’t seem to shake this chest cold, my digestive problems are still there, have some reflux too, and now pvcs. I feel like I’m a mess... just spent the morning of my 27th birthday in the emergency room getting the tests on my heart. Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +34918,"CLEAR STUFF ON EYE This has happened to me a few times in the last couple of months but it went away. So I notice when I wake up my right eye feels like something is in it. It’s very annoying, it feels like a eyelash is stuck in it. I look and there’s a clear string like gunk on the white part of my eye. I looked it up and I seems very similar to a cyst? + +Has anyone ever experience this? +I have no health insurance so I’m hoping it resolves on it’s own. ",Anxiety +7,Have you ever felt nervous but didn't know why?,Anxiety +34446,"Glad to see I’m not alone. I am so tired of feeling like this.... Reassurance never lasts very long, huh? My anxiety/hypochondria has flares up after like 3 years of being “okay”. +I had a whole physical a couple weeks ago. I know I got to work on weight and diet. However, bp was great, urine no sugar or blood. Bloodwork will take a couple days to get back. I addressed all my heart anxiety fears. Got an EKG too and the doctor said I had “pretty” pqrts (or whatever it’s called). +I do have Hashimotos, but not on medicine as of right now. + +I have suffered from anxiety/depression past 18 years (I’m 35 now). It was SOOOO bad. Frequent trips to doctors, ER, urgent cares. Every single possible test done. I have always been “okay”. Then I was okay for a long while. Or at least all my symptoms became manageable. + +I was wondering if there was anyone to talk to about this. Why do I IMMEDIATELY think I’m dying? Why do I feel like I’ve failed when I’ve been alright for many years. Why do I physically feel something and think I’m for sure dying? + +Last night I had a headache and convinced myself it was a stroke. I spent an hour staring in the mirror and doing self administered stroke tests. Today I feel like little pings of pain (but not really even pain, but not a shock feeling either, just feel something), mostly in my right arm/hand. I am trying to tell myself it’s not a heart attack. + +I just want to know I’ll be okay. I wish every day I could brush things off or rationalize it better. I sometimes can and then there are times like this where I’m freaking out on the inside. The funny thing is, in my day to day life I function. I’m a mom, I have a job. I also happen to have a husband who has been battling cancer for the last 2 years. I do what I have to do. But inside my head, I feel like a prisoner because it is so consuming. + +Lastly, I have started therapy again and I am hopeful that will help again. + +Thank you for reading this and listening to me 🙂(and I am fully aware how crazy some of what I’ve said sounds. The rational/sane part of me is over feeling and thinking this way)",Anxiety +498,"the habit of chatting for a day, gadicchat immediately restless ™ƒ YES TP IS THE TIME I CHAT FIRST THE FACE W WANT TO TARO WHERE",Anxiety +52478,"Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have a hold on my anxiety. I obsess a lot over having a passion. It's really dumb, I know. But I think it's just my brain trying to find a sense of direction after a really bad depressive episode. + +It makes me go in constant circles, trying to figure out what activity is going to magically put me on the fast track to happiness. Even though I know things are not this simple, my brain still thinks of things in this way. + +It's really stressful to worry about what activities to do and what will make you happy in the long run instead of just living life. That's all any of us can do, no matter how much we overthink. + +I am upping my lexapro dosage, so hopefully that helps. I know it takes a month or so for SSRIs to kick in, and I have only been on my new dosage for a week and a half, but I don't feel much better. I have a therapist too, and she hasn't been much help, even though she tries. + +I have just been struggling with this weird obsession for so long and I have been through so many cycles I just don't think I will ever break out of this mindset.",Anxiety +713,"just-have you ever been let down by your best friend to the point of feeling too anxious? I don't want to talk about him here, but I feel sorry for myself. like, girl i deserve better then this.",Anxiety +33947,"Scared this isn't healthy anxiety anymore. -lightheaded/dizziness + +-Drooping/heavy eyes (one eye will feel lower than the other) + +-Trouble speaking at times. My chest vibrates and I can't speak for a second. + +-Right arm gets hot. + +I don't know what this is, but I'm scared it isn't anxiety anymore. I'm convinced I have strokes/seizures. + +",Anxiety +52048,Neighbours Hello I’m haveing anxiety because my neighbours pour things like pee dog poo etc I can’t put my plants out side cuz water is always falling of their top balcony and on to mines there are really hostile to my then I get racism from them keep in mind I did nothing to them it is like they are heart less and my boys and I are scared cuz they threatened as I call police so much time they do nothing I’m also looking for i new home they do drugs they spat at us when we go out side and they say the reason why water falls from the porch is because the water tank they party ever day it’s really scary In hope I can move to better area I stay strong in front of my boys but i cry in the in side it feels like no cares about us at all it’s more worrying cuz I’m I single mother of 2 and upstairs is all men idk what to and I’m scared for my life and my children life btw I’m in Scotland sorry if I mis spelled some things it cuz I’m shaking.,Anxiety +292,The habit of being anxious is clear,Anxiety +52403,,Anxiety +52132,"I've missed about 3 weeks of class and I'm too embarrassed to go back-what do I do? Hi, I've recently started medication to help manage my anxiety. While adjusting to the medication, I noticed it helped my society anxiety a lot because I stopped caring. However, the downside is that I started to become very apathetic about everything and lost a lot of motivation to even get out bed/go to class. + +I've recently started a new medication and so far feelings of apathy/lack of productivity have improved, and I can now finish tasks (still not perfect, but I feel like with such a low starting dose it feels back to like how I've felt pre-medication.) The problem is, my social anxiety has gone back up. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to have missed so much class. I tried really hard this week and forced myself to go to classes I've been avoiding, but there is one class that I'm especially having a hard time getting myself to attend. The problem is, the class is very discussion based and we have predetermined groups we work with the entire semester. I'm worried my groupmates will judge me because I haven't been to class in so long, I just want to avoid the awkward confrontation ""Where have you been?"" even though I know it's inevitable. How do I force myself to go to class?",Anxiety +33925,"Is this health anxiety? 1) checking temperature 10 times a day +2) checking blood pressure everyday +3) checking weight 10 times a day + +Thinking I might have a serious disease",Anxiety +35501,"A small victory I don't post very often and never before on this sub but I wanted to share a small victory. As you can imagine I spend a lot of money on doctor visits and tests that turn out to be just fine. I have spent too darn much and so I've challenged myself to just wait things out no matter what. My first challenge arrived quickly. + +On Tuesday I got a rash very likely from sweating/rubbing because I noticed it right after the gym and it was around my neck and chest where my shirt collar rests. It was red, itchy and painful. I DID NOT Google. I started to, but I stopped. I put some hydrocortisone cream on it and ignored it. Ever so briefly thought about going to urgent care (autoimmune? My joints hurt... is it infected? Etc.) + +It's almost gone today. Four days. Granted the source of the rash was clear. And I'm still worried about the size of the lymph nodes in my neck. And random belly pains make me think of tumors.... but this one thing..... I waited out this rash and it was fine. It gives me strength to ""ignore"" the next thing.",Anxiety +52896,"Does anyone else experience Catalonia ? I have severe anxiety, when I’m really stressed or get triggered I zone out completely . It’s really scary does anyone else experience this? it’s like the lights are on but nobodies home.",Anxiety +35801,Rich food I had waffles this morning for a waffle bar bridal shower and normally waffles make my stomach hurt bc of ibs but I made a small one and was fine. Then I had some coffee around 4:30 and my stomach had started to hurt. Could it be a too many rich foods that’s causing me this indigestion/stomach pain?,Anxiety +34754,"Chest Pain Hi, I'm hoping you lovely people can help me with this. +I'm 21F, not super healthy but not overweight, just eat not-so-well. +A few weeks ago I got really sick for about 2.5 weeks. I had awful diarrhea, couldn't swallow, drink, eat, no appetite, was naseuas, had chest pains and had very high heart rates. Over this period I got 3 blood tests, a stool sample, 2 (abdominal) CTs (where you could see a bit of my chest), and a chest x-ray. Nothing came back positive. Eventually I started feeling better and started going on with my life. What may be somewhat important information is that my dad is a surgeon and I work reception for him, he had similar problems a few weeks before me. + +For the last few days, I've had some loose-ish stools, a bit of weakness/fatigue, but mainly I'm concerned about a dull pain that moves around my chest. Today it's mostly been on my left side and about 30 min ago went into my left shoulder. Its not constant and it can be lower right, upper left, whatever. I'm terrified I have a pulmonary embolism or some sort of clot. I know I'm probably panicking for no reason and I hate annoying my dad with this stuff and he makes me feel crazy which doesn't help. So... Any wisdom? Thank you in advance!",Anxiety +52033,"My anxiety is telling me not to be honest/vulnerable I have a second date (anxiety is also telling me it’s not a date and that I’m not of interest to anyone other than people that try to take advantage of me.) with someone next week. I am so excited because the first date was a /blast/. My anxiety is telling me to play it cool, and not to look too eager and to only express interest if they express +interest first. + +I would have listened in the past. + +I think it would be in my best interest to tell them I’m looking forward to it because I am. + +So, I am going to tell them that I’m excited to see them next week. Better to be myself and turn-off someone that isn’t interested in my genuine excitement to spend time with them than it is to keep pretending.",Anxiety +35385,"Testicle Soreness So, I noticed this just a few days ago. My testicles are sore, there is no lump. I don’t know what it could be, they only hurt when I push on them, most of the time, they don’t hurt when lightly touching them, but when I put pressure on them it hurts. Does anyone have any advice, I would gladly answer any questions that may help you know what’s wrong.",Anxiety +34509,What's going on? Hey guys so earlier I had shortness of breath. And now my heart is beating hard. My body and hands are trembling. And I have a strong urge to pee as my groin feels really strange. I have pain in my left arm as well and I feel like my hearts about stop any moment. I have no history do any heart problems. I have had anxiety attacks in the past but they always scare me into thinking I'm having a heart attack or cardiac arrest. Is this just another anxiety attack? I don't know if it's because I'm anemic or because I slept late at 1 am last night. I feel like I'm about to die any moment now and I'm scared :(. I'm 20 years old btw. ,Anxiety +35521,"UTI...or not So I woke up on Friday having very mild symptoms of a uti, just a tiny bit of burning after peeing. I immediately drank a ton of water to flush. Afterwards the burning was barely noticeable but I know it was still there. Saturday morning I wake up and it’s still barely noticeable but still there so I make a doctors appointment. Unfortunately, my regular doctor isn’t in that day and neither is my usual back up so I book with the only doctor that’s in. At this clinic for as long as I could remember (I’ve gone here for over 10 years) they usually give you the results of the urine sample before you leave, keep this in mind that was the only reason I went because I convinced myself the only thing this could be is a uti or perhaps something worse even though I know I don’t have any of the symptoms but you never no right? It’s better to be safe. Anyways, she comes in and I explain my problem. At first she mentions it could just be irritation and she mentions something in particular that I do to dry my nether regions and I thought wow I could of actually cut myself or overwashed and a wave of relief washed over me. Because I do tend to overwash and use scented products. But then she said she would prescribe me a medication if I have a uti. She left and the nurse came in a few minutes later. The whole thing took 5 mins. + +The nurse comes back in saying I won’t have the result for three days and I’m confused so I call in the doctor. And she said there’s no harm in taking it even if you don’t have it. This goes against what my usual doctor says, she never suggests taking anything unnecessarily. +Especially when it comes to a urine culture. Because of resistant bacteria or something. +Anyways i left and picked up the medicine but it occurred to me she didn’t ask many questions...so that left me thinking it could be something else. Like a cut or a yeast infection or just being incredibly over washed. She didn’t even ask if I was sexually active or not or if I was having any other symptoms or if my period is due. +But I was also in shock by how impersonal that visit felt as it’s not what I’m used to. +So I have the medication but you know, me being anxious I don’t want to take it unless I have the results of the culture. At some moments it feels like I’m just irritated down there given what happened during the week leading up to these events. I quit using the regular soap I was using down there but I stilll used it for the rest of my body and if some slips down there it does burn. + +But sometimes I think omg did I just had a tiny muscle pain in my back is it an infection. Or regular body sensations freak me out. I’m really trying to relax but my mind keeps racing to all sorts of things :/ ",Anxiety +52319,"Experiencing pains and Have bloodshot eyes. Could this be serious? Im 22ftm and ive been having a stressful time few months especially in the last few weeks. I've been to the hospital already 2 days ago becaude i had a horrible panic attack, had an XRAY, EKG, blood work, tests for heart failure. Every single one came back fine/normal/healthy. While that releived me the pains have gotten worse. My muscles are aching heavily in my shoulders/upper arm, my upper back, chest and stabbing pains in my heart. I do wanna add I have started ashwagandha maybe could be a negative reaction to that and the eyes could be the stress from the anxiety attacks I've been having? Jus wanna know if others get bloodshot eyes like this too? Id post a picture but i dont qnana givr anyone the ick. It isnt HORRIBLE jus a bunch of bloodvessels. Going to the doctor again tomorrow.",Anxiety +35489,Lyssavirus (australian rabies) do i have it ? Im in new south wales australia. I slept in a car about 2 months ago and now im shaking and feeling sick and i m very very scared. I need help what can i do? Please ,Anxiety +35341,"Freaking out a bit Had been doing fine until today when my doctor told me I needed to go in for a second mammogram to get a better view of an area they biopsied last year. I'm in the middle of moving and changing jobs and this has just sent my anxiety over the edge. Not to mention, even paying the copay part of the biopsy and second mammogram I had last year was expensive for me. I have to wait two weeks before the test and it's going to feel so long. :(",Anxiety +577,very nervous gatenanggg asdmekendd,Anxiety +52217,"Health anxiety is steering me towards a nervous breakdown My health anxiety is getting the best of me lately. Been having eye floaters the last few years and tinnitus so I was obsessing over a brain tumor. Then lately it turned into colon cancer and pancreatic cancer due to stomach issues. Now I woke up this morning and smelled burnt rubber or something similar to it and now I'm back to freaking out over a brain tumor because I couldn't figure out if it was real or not. I did have my bedroom window open which faces the parking lot of my apartment complex and I didn't smell the smell when I went into the other room but still it freaked me out and now I'm obsessing over that. No I'm not sick and don't have nor have had covid. I've seen two old neighbors of mine die from it within months and that's the root of my anxiety with it and now with this what I think was a phantom smell, I'm terrified. And now I can't tell if what I'm smelling is real or not. I came in from walking my dog and thought I smelled the burnt rubber again but it was just my coffee brewing.  + +I literally feel like I'm at my wits end. I can't find a therapist due to time scheduling conflicts with my job. I was prescribed a medication by my PCP but I don't like how anti depressants affect my sex drive (the one thing that helps me cope with all of this). The health anxiety is just getting worse the older I get too (35 now). It sends me into deep depressions and I feel like it's ruining my life at this point. It's like I have a choice to either be medicated and impotent or keep spiraling mentally. I hate this. I hate my brain and that it thinks this way. And I hate that you can get a fatal disease no matter how healthy you try to live your life. I'm so full of anger right now over all of this. I'm at work now and have such bad brain fog over all of this to the point where it feels dreamlike.",Anxiety +52659,"What is or isn't a panic attack? Hi folks, + +I have been diagnosed with GAD last year and still am discovering/recognizing all the different symptoms I have. Thank you for this wonderful community btw, I have cried at many of your stories and small victories. + +I was wondering what your panic attacks / anxiety attacks feel like, and what difference you make between the two? + +I keep telling therapists ""oh no I don't have panic attacks"" because in my mind if I'm not passed out on the floor then it's not it, but also I do have attacks of accute stress/rapid heart beat/can't breathe/need to move and get the f out of where I am which I don't know how to qualify. Looking for your experiences so I can put words on what I go through + +Stay strong",Anxiety +35580,"I just found out I'm diabetic. What now? Hey folks. Yesterday I went in for a routine DOT physical to get my medical card updated. These happen every two years to make sure my health is in check for driving a rig. + +So, I go in to my appointment. I give a urine sample. There is a massive glucose concentration. They use a diabetic meter and my glucose level was a 257. With almost no symptoms apart from occasionally dry mouth/thirst. I went and immediately got an a1c test to determine what's going on. (I understand this won't find Type I, but it's worth doing). I've taken my blood sugar three times since. Last test yesterday was still in the 250s, today it's been 157 for two tests. + +I'm worried. I enrolled in insurance yesterday because I'm not financially prepared for the lab work, but I cannot continue driving until this is diagnosed and handled. + +I bought a bike to start trying to get my weight down and keep active. I'm internally freaking out right now. I've always had good health minus a little extra weight. Any advice? + +Thanks ",Anxiety +34571,"Smaller stomach after hernia repair surgery [Help] Hello,i am a 19 yo rather healthy female and i have underwent a hernia repair surgery a month ago.Im roughly around 66kg and 176cm tall. Now im not the most fit person and i had some stomach fat before the surgery and after. The past week has been different and i had started eating once or max twice per day since my loss of apetite and i noticed that my stomach is way way smaller than it used to be. Is this the cause of the said surgery,eating less food (i was pretty inactive though) or could there be another more worrying reason? +I need advice.",Anxiety +35499,Heart anxeity I’ve had a bad month so far. I was put into a psychiatric ward for a while against my will and now that I’m out I have to go to court ordered group counseling. Anyway my anxiety problems basically all surround my heart. Even now I have chest tightness and a horrible pain in my left arm. I can’t convince myself it’s not a heart attack no matter how hard I try. I’ve been to 3 cardiologists and been to the er at least 20 times and had ekgs every time. Had a stress test and an echo and it all came back negative. I can’t stop convincing myself that something has happened since then and I’d go back to the er but I’m afraid of being admitted again. I’m a 20 year old male and have my whole life ahead of me but I’m to paralyzed by fear to live it. I “know” I’m having a heart attack every time it happens and it’s hard to even imagine it getting better and being happy. I was on Klonopin and it seemed to help but they took me off cold turkey in the hospital and put me on all new meds. I’m just scared. If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it. ,Anxiety +372,Get out ,Anxiety +34414,"Stress and Increased Health Concerns? Hey all. + +I have recently been experiencing a lot of stress with my job. I mean, a lot. I am trying my hardest to cool down, but I can definitely tell that my body is reacting to the stress. Stress hives, hyperventilating, and all the while an increased worry that these are symptoms of something like lyphoma. + +Just looking for some support. Does anybody else find that their worry about having cancer or some other disease increase with stress about other things? Is this just what happens wit health anxiety?",Anxiety +52332,"i had a very concerning dream and it’s causing me to panic. im 19 f. i have ocd, depression and GAD. (figuring out if i have bipolar) + +i just had a dream where i was running away from cops, led this guy which was way older than me to have sexwith his own children and i even had sex with him but he stopped midway and refused. then i led him to have sex with other children and i was going to set a trap where he could get arrested. i think i set a trap to the other times i had lead him to have sex with his children…….. but i’m not too sure if i did do the arrest part, i just have glimpses of him running from police and me thinking about trapping him for police to get him. + +the thing is, i woke up sexually turned on. but at the same time, i am scared and guilty. i am anxious because why did i wake up sexually turned on with a dream that had children in it, violence and me forcing a guy to have sex with me???? and watching and leading him to have sex with children.. + +i am panicking. i am absolutely panicking. + +i have had issues with POCD. i don’t longer have that bad of a issue with it because i recognize my ocd and how it can play in different themes. + +this makes me feel like i’m some hidden monster. why the fuck did i wake up turned on with that disgusting dream. i feel the worst amount of guilt.why did i do that in a dream? i never had a dream like this. it’s terrifying me. + +this makes it more real to me and messing with my ocd, WHY did i do these things in a dream, i know it’s a dream but i swear iv never been like that in a dream. and since i believe in signs and what if i’m actually some p3do??????? it makes me think about suicide straight away. someone help me.",Anxiety +51868,"Crazy how powerful thought diaries & breathing techniques have been for my anxiety I've been undergoing therapy for anxiety and depression for the past two months. My therapist recommended that I start keeping a ""thought diary"" to write down any worries or concerns that I may have and to practice a breathing technique that involves breathing in for four seconds, holding for two, and then exhaling for four seconds. + +Initially, I was skeptical that these simple practices could make a difference in something that has troubled me for years. However, I began to notice that whenever I started to become consumed by anxious or depressive thoughts, jotting them down in my diary helped me immensely. This process allowed me to break down those thoughts and identify that 99% of the time, my worries and depression stem from hypothetical situations. + +For instance, one of my thoughts was, ""What if my friends are judging me behind my back?"" (for context, this was after we went out for drinks). The key phrase in that being 'What if', meaning it's just hypothetical with no real evidence to back up the worry. So, in my thought diary, alongside my worrisome thought, I would write down a 'Helpful thought' where I deconstruct this worry. For the aforementioned thought, my helpful thought was: + +""This is a hypothetical worry, you have no evidence to suggest this will happen. Your friend's opinion of you shouldn't be taken seriously anyway. You don't need to seek approval from your friends."" + +Of course, this may not help everyone, but I wanted to share how thought diaries have helped my mental health, and they can be quite powerful. + + TL;DR: My therapist recommended keeping a ""thought diary"" and practicing breathing techniques to help my anxiety and depression. Writing down my thoughts and using the breathing technique has helped me identify that 99% of my worries are hypothetical. I recommend trying it out.",Anxiety +52782,"should i force myself to talk when i am unable to? //vent, about work and conflict with friend + my issues // i was having a conversation with a close friend of mine about work settings because i will be having an internship soon. we talked about standard work things and tips, but then it lead to talking about my anxiety. + +i asked, ""if i'm unable to speak because of anxiety, how do i communicate that to them?"" 'them' being my coworkers. for extra context, i think this is a common thing but just in case, my throat closes up to a degree that it becomes hard to and painful to breathe or speak. obviously i need to breathe, so i've learned to tough through it, and even so i was able to get an appointment with someone who may be able to help this issue. as for speaking, that can be even more painful than breathing, so i usually try to tap my throat with my finger and hold up one finger with the other hand to try to communicate that i need a minute and i can't breathe/speak. + +i was worried that may not be enough, and i had previously told my friend about my issues. i figured he'd be the right guy to ask, especially since he's training to become a therapist. i guessed he may have some ideas i haven't thought about yet + +he told me to tell my coworkers i need a minute to think and to maybe say it directly. i asked him, ""if i can't talk, how do i say it to them directly?"" i'm bad with conveying tone, partially because i'm autistic, so i can see in hindsight that it may have come off wrong. + +he asked me if i was just going to leave or stay quiet without telling them what was going on, and he also said that the situation would just become worse. i was starting to get a bit upset and i said that i knew that. *then he told me to learn how to force myself to say it.* + +that's where i became really upset. i have no idea if this was justified or not, all i know is how much it hurt. i tired my best to remind him of some of my tics, and how if i'm stressed enough to be unable to speak, forcing myself would DEFINATELY make the situation worse. i told him about how there's been times where i've gotten overwhelmed and anxious, which led to me accidently hitting someone rarely or most commonly myself. sometimes i'll have really bad ones which make me yell, fling my arm beside my head, or slam a fist down on a table. + +i then apologized. he then told me that it's unfair, but i have to vocalize that kind of thing. i worked some things out with another close friend of mine, and we both agreed that i should maybe carry around some laminated cards on a ring with common words and sayings to help me communicate. we also talked about telling my coworkers and employers beforehand about my issues, and how i need a few minutes to myself to calm down. + +i tried messaging the friend from before, saying that i wanted to talk. i apologized for getting upset and explained that i was hurt by what he said and that i was hoping we can talk about it all. i apologized again. i've seen he's read the message, but he hasn't responded. i'm a bit worried, but trying to be patient with out differing time zones. + +should i force myself to talk when i am unable to, especially with some of my issues? i want to believe i'm not at fault, but i feel horrible about getting upset and i'm wondering if he's right and i should just try to suck it up. + +**edit:** i also worry that i may have overreacted and blown up over something unimportant. it's just so infuriating and hurtful because i've been told all my life to force myself to do things and to just toughen up and deal with it. i've been called overly emotional and at this point any slight indication someone thinks that way kind of sets me off. i'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, i struggle putting these things into words.",Anxiety +318,The combination of anxiety and anxiety gives me a terrible headache..,Anxiety +52144,"Having huge anxiety about my second emergency dentist appointment tomotrow I scheduled an emergency tooth extraction appointment last Saturday with my dentist who I haven't been able to go to in over a year due to lack of insurance/unemployment. My partner went with me as support and also because I can't drive. The dentist receptionist lectured me for not coming in for over a year, for scheduling an emergency extraction on a Saturday afternoon, and then said they wouldn't be able to extract it that day because they ""needed to see if the tooth could be saved"" despite me saying I can't afford any other option like a root canal. They also, despite me putting my preferred name in their site portal when I first started seeing them, keep misgendering and deadnaming me even though I told them last time that I prefer my preferred name and go by he/him (I am a grown ass medically but not surgically transitioned trans man). My partner, who also goes to this dentist but has had only good experiences with them, was apparently disgusted with how the receptionists treated me this time and now refuses to go back to them for their visits. But I paid $100 ahead of time for this tooth extraction tomorrow (because the receptionists basically forced me into it by showing me all the other pricing options without insurance) so I have to go back to them before I can move to a new dentist office. My partner is working tomorrow and can't go with me, so I'm basically dreading having to hear my deadname and being misgendered and lectured and all that bullshit all over again but on my own this time. Like, it's stressing me out to the point of almost crying. I don't usually get this worked up over being misgendered because like, I'm kinda fat and my facial hair is scraggly so I get a lot of misgendering from customers whenever I'm working retail jobs, but something about them *knowing* my preferred name and having been *told* about it before but choosing to ignore it is just... Fucking with me, especially with all the other ways they treated me. FUCK.",Anxiety +34749,"Temporarily Wrinkled Skin?? Hey guys, + +I woke up this morning and noticed something had changed on my body. The more I looked at it, the more I was disturbed. The skin on the back of my hand had a different texture. It almost looked like a burn scar. Instead of smooth and straight, it was more wrinkly and bumpy. My thought was wow, can aging of the skin happen overnight? + +The weird thing is the texture has gone back to normal now and my other hand didn't do the same thing.",Anxiety +136,"I really like this, I'm nervous about things I'm not sure about, I don't know why but I feel really nervous. WEIRD.",Anxiety +34413,"Was doing so well until right now I started a new medication a month or so ago, and it seems to have quashed the intensity of my health anxiety. I was overjoyed about this! Finally, I had hope of living a life that wasn’t steered by hypochondria! But I’m currently having a setback. +Long story short, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. My girlfriend who I was really in love with broke up with me last week. That seems to be the major issue right now. But I’m getting some troubling symptoms. +All day, I’ve had this weird pain in my chest. I attributed this to emotional pain and didn’t think too much of it. Now, I’m also feeling it in my back and the pain is more to the left side of my chest. I am having some left arm pain as well, and it almost feels like some weakness too, but I can’t tell if this is my mind playing tricks on me. My heart is pounding, and I’m feeling a little lightheaded. I just feel off. +So, the 2 things I’m worried about are a heart attack, or something called Broken Heart Syndrome, which is a very real condition and has been proven to exist. +I’m not asking for a diagnosis of course, but has anyone else experienced something like this?",Anxiety +35545,"2 days Fever after Heat Exhaustion Hi guys,i am feeling worried about my child. We went to a farm the other day and it was very hot. after leaving the farm, my child was not feeling well. She got a mild fever when we arrived in our home. 1 day after, she still has a fever and one time it went as high as 39' C or around 102.2' F. Right now shes resting in her bed and tomorrow we will be goin to the doctor. Could this be possible from heat exhaustion? sorry im not a medical person. hope to hear some advice. thanks in advance",Anxiety +52430,WHY DOES ANXIETY HAVE SO MANY RANDOM ASS SYMPTOMS From panic attacks to hyperventilation to chest pains to racing thoughts to dizzyness to lightheadedness to afraid of leaving the house to burning hands? I fucking hate this shit so much. If you got panic attacks and anxiety from weed pleaseeeee share your thoughts on destroying this disease i want to leave my house again i want to mingle with people again i want to be able to get on my fucking computer and do normal shit that everyone does again rather than wrapping myself in my bed sheets all day everyday and taking meds,Anxiety +52011,"Is it possible to be physically anxious without being mentally anxious? I woke up this morning with not a thought in my head but was experiencing bad physical symptoms (stomach tight and nervous feeling, chest tight, ect). Just curious if it's possible to be physically anxious when mentally you're doing ok? + +The only other thing I can think of is that I'm mentally anxious about the physical symptoms but would love to hear other people's experiences!",Anxiety +35630,"Sore armpits Armpits have been feeling sore for a while now (I do not work out or do heavy lifting) and I did have a small lymph node pop out behind each ear... The swollen lymph nodes behind my ears are pretty much gonna but I'm freaking out after going online worrying about it possibly being lymphoma.. + +Help!",Anxiety +427,"I'm getting more and more restless, and I'm crying as much as I can, and they just look at me crying, and they say, don't worry, sis, it's okay, you're okay here, you just need to rest, what do you want, just say it, we'll follow your request, except for 1 i.e. run away, you'll know later",Anxiety +34995,"Health Anxiety causing physically visible symptoms? I recently had my first anxiety attack back in October after a google search on some symptoms that lead me to some pretty bad stuff. It was by far the worst anxiety i have ever felt over the past 3 months. I have been constantly lightheaded since the first panic attack and have had a lot of common symptoms that people on talk about. Shortness of break, tight legs, back pain, bowl issues, and vision issues. My main issues have been tingling in my middle finger, tightness in my forearm, and a sharp pain in my elbow and shoulder all in my right arm. I have been to many doctors including neurologist, orthopedic, thoracic, pain management, ent, PT, ER 3 times and have had almost every part of my body scanned by CT and MRI. I counted over 20 blood test and so far every single thing has come back normal. + +One doctor thinks I have thoracic outlet, but another doctor says I don't and that they are just trying to slap a generic label on my problem. This doctor also believes it is my body stuck in ""fight or flight mode."" The one issue that seems odd is that after using my right hand, such as in typing, my fingers will visibly slightly swell and my hand feel tight. I know stress can cause muscle tightness and my PT keeps commenting out tight the muscles are on the right side of my body from jaw to shoulder. Has anyone had anxiety/stress cause physically visible symptoms such as swelling? ",Anxiety +52340,"Bringing reusable bags to the grocery store feels so off There is nothing worse than when you get to self checkout and there are literally no bags. They’ve started doing this at chains around me long ago and I still miss plastic bags! + +Bringing reusable bags feels like putting a target on my back😅 not quite literally but I feel like I stand out as one of the few people usually entering with something in my hand, that I’ll probably put my groceries in while shopping.",Anxiety +34721,"Why shouldn't I in fact worry about brain aneursym? Hello, I worked with therapist today and I have a task to challenge my fears. And I want to do that. Why shouldn't I worry about aneursym? Why doesn't it scary casual people? In fact it is scary that I can't be sure if I have it or no and it can be really dangerous. What is not normal with my fear of aneurysm? I don't get it is rare, but is it so rare that only few people with genetical issuses should worry about that?",Anxiety +52628,"I had Anxiety attack over the cat i’ve met today So i walked to the grocery store near my house, and i saw a poor cat with her right eyes almost gotten out in front of someone house. and I cried cause I can’t bring her home cause i already had a lot of cats. So i went back to my house to bring her a food and water instead. but she only drink the water she doesn’t want to eat:( i’m also scared and questioning myself is she a real cat or demons? cause she has no tail(in my country cats that doesn’t have tail are demons). but she has a shadow tho. and when i��m about to leave that cat, she kept looking at me and when i’m on my way home there is a quite big shadow of bird flew around like making a circle( I walked under the tree btw). i feel so bad for feeling like this and i feel so bad for not taking that little cat. I feel like completely a bad person now",Anxiety +52388,"It feels impossible to relax I lost my job a week ago. Since then, I've pretty much been worrying non-stop. Yes, I talk to a counselor AND a psychiatrist. I have Xanax but I'm trying to ration it out. + +Not sure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?",Anxiety +262,"Eid is getting closer. Oh God, I feel so lazy to meet a big family, I'm too lazy to ask a lot of questions, it's not okay, I'm not comfortable, I'm really worried, fuck the life",Anxiety +53000,"My whole body is aching like i have the flu I don't know why all of a sudden after almost a week of no symptoms, now my body decides to flip the switch and start all over again... + +Yesterday i thought i'm having a heart attack because my left arm was aching all week and then yesterday and even today i had chest pain. + +Now it started that my other arm is aching too and my whole body just feels like i have the flu or something. + +Even my mouth feels spicy and weird... + +I don't know, is this really something anxiety can do? + +I don't feel sick at all, but everything hurts like i'm in full on flu mode. + +Pretty much everyone on my mothers side of the family has rheumatism, maybe it's finaly breaking out for me? + +Has anyone else felt like you usually do when you are just completely flu struck, only that you aren't actually sick? + +Today was the first time i took a magnesium supplement (187 mg) so maybe it has something to do with that?",Anxiety +35235,"Suddenly braked in my car to avoid running a stop sign, possible concussion? I must've been going around 30mph, came to a stop in about 15 feet. No symptoms other than mild soreness in my neck, upper back, and the back of my head. No one hit me and my head didn't hit anything inside the car, but I did lean forward then backward with the force of inertia. + +Is it possible for this sudden stop to cause brain damage?",Anxiety +35460,"Fuck lymph nodes I spent about two months completely paranoid about lymph nodes under my jaw before I discovered they were actually just part of the muscles in my neck. And now I've just discovered that a lymph node on the side of my neck is swollen despite feeling no symptoms at all and I'm freaking out all over again. You look on the internet and it's all HIV, cancer etc. + + I also live in a country where I can't speak the language and need someone with ID to help me go to the hospital, but I feel terrible about constantly asking my girlfriend to go when I don't even really feel physically ill just to discover it's apparently nothing. I've had health anxiety basically all my life but the past six months have been crazy.",Anxiety +35846,Am i having a seizure? I have been having extreme HA for the past month but in the last week i have been having really weird symptoms. I have been waking up after 1 or 2 hours of sleep at night shaking and swaeting intensely while also being very confused and having feelings i cant explain. This lasts for about an houer then i calm down and go back to sleep. I have this happen to me 3 times now and im really scared that this is some sort of seizure and that i have a brain tumor. Im freaking out so much and i really dont know what to do.,Anxiety +34506,"Post TC anxiety Hi all, + +Just venting some steam off here. + +So, last August I “found a lump,” I had a CT, an op to remove my left testicle and then on 02 October was officially diagnosed with Stage 2a Testicular Cancer. Since then I’ve had Chemo, Radiotherapy and as of a few weeks ago my first “Scans are normal” meeting with the Onco. Hooray! + +That said, the health anxiety I’m experiencing is taking the piss. Every little ache, twitch, twinge, anything makes me worry unnecessarily. + +As a result of the Radiotherapy my guts have been a bit iffy since, but a recent toothache caused me to take a lot of Ibuprofen, which together with the Radiotherapy caused me some really dire constipation. This lead to a hemorrhoid. It’s internal and normally I can’t feel it unless I’ve sat on something cold in which case it throbs for a few minutes and then stops. Occasionally there’s a spot or two of blood on my crap, and one occasion I had such a large bowel movement that it turned the toilet water bright, bright red, but otherwise my bms are consistent size, shape, colour and bloodless - they just scratch a little as they pass. I’m improving my diet to include more fibre so hopefully it’ll sort itself out. + +Right now I want to concentrate on the future. I’ve been given a new lease of life, but I feel that all the residual after effects are holding me back and the worry over everything my body does is becoming quite a burden.",Anxiety +171,"I wonder why my heart beats like that sometimes for weeks, then it's back to normal for a few weeks, does anyone know why this isn't it? Or maybe I'm often anxious and stressed, okay?",Anxiety +52527,Does removing yourself from social media help? Has anyone here taken themselves off of all social media for a long period and if so did it help with anxiety? Would you recommend it?,Anxiety +3,I've shifted my focus to something else but I'm still worried,Anxiety +52010,"Is this a side effect of Lexapro I began taking Lexapro yesterday and I began feeling nauseous and just an overall off feeling. I also began feeling like burning sensation in my stomach, like a lot of acid and today I began feeling cramp like feeling around my stomach. + +Has anyone dealt with this when starting Lexapro?",Anxiety +34069,"Visual migraines? A few months ago, I (starving, dehydrated, anxious, overworked uni student) was sitting in my school before a class when suddenly this weird curvy shape appeared in my vision, specifically in my left eye. Kinda like if you stare at a light too long and you’re left with a retinal image for a bit, except this was kinda flashing and obscured my vision. This weird episode lasted for about 30 mins, and occurred again three weeks after that, and again a week after that. Thanks to the internet (and my mom, who says she has a history of these in her past), I self diagnosed myself with visual migraines (which can present themselves with no pain, as my episodes did). At the time I took this as a call from higher powers (aka my brain?) that I needed to get more sleep, drink more water, eat better, etc. and I hadn’t had an episode for two months. +Well I just had another one of these episodes, and although today happened to be a very bad eating day and I was super dehydrated, I’m starting to worry about these. What if I have a brain tumor? What if I’m going blind? What if I’m about to die? These are the questions pounding through my head right now. Any advice? Anyone have similar symptoms ever?",Anxiety +52541,Scared to buy motrin I don’t know what got me reading but I had no idea about the cyanide motrin incident that happened and I feel like I really need motrin right now but am terrified to buy it,Anxiety +51958,"Anxiety Causing Excessive Urination Hello everyone, i was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder at age 7. Im able to manage most of the symptoms with natural remedies except one which is excessive urination. SSRIs & Anxiety Meds do not help if anything they make it worse. Im now 27 and still suffering from the symptom. I have no physical illnesses and have seem numerous doctors and specalist and theyve said that everything is normal. It has recently started interferring with work and im now at risk of being fired from my job because they can not accommodate, even though i have a doctors note, they said the excessive restroom trips are causing business interruptions. I cant go to amusement parks, concerts, long road trips or hiking/walking trails because ill have the sensation of needing to go pee. Most of the time when i do go nothing really comes out...Does anyone else suffer from this or has suffered from it or have any solutions??",Anxiety +34866,"I have a doctors appointment tomorrow that I’ve rescheduled once already out of fear. I am petrified of getting bad news. Haven’t been myself all weekend out of fear. I have a (ladies stuff) doctors appointment tomorrow morning & am terrified. I’ve rescheduled it once already out of fear but decided to bite the bullet & actually go. It’s been two years & I just need an annual exam/check up. + +So what am I so afraid of? Because you hear these stories of women (or anyone) going for a checkup & bam! cancer. Or having to have more tests taken & play the two week before results waiting game. I don’t think my anxious mind could handle that. + +I feel deep down that it might turn out fine but my “what if” thoughts keep finding ways to justify my fear and extreme anxiety over this. Which in turn, makes me fear the absolute worst case scenario. + +I just needed to vent. ",Anxiety +364,Hell yeah varsity life,Anxiety +35060,"Fear of going to the doctors... I'm finally going to the doctor. Not really confronting fears but having swelling and pain of my tonsils and a bit of my throat, which has me mildly freaking out. +I'm wondering what the doctor will say or do. Maybe just prescribe me something. + +My fear isn't that ""hospitals are crazy"" but if my doctor says I'm basically ok I won't believe them. I'm hoping this basically cures my health anxiety, but I know that a lot of people with HA don't believe the doctor... +I just hope I trust them enough.",Anxiety +181,"Lately, I've been feeling restless and restless. Haihh",Anxiety +34735,Anxiety is getting worse I've been sick with a nasty virus since Dec 24th. Just now getting over it. Lymphnodes are still swollen. Health anxiety is causing me to think its lymphoma ,Anxiety +34800,"THIS is why I hate doctors... I’ve found there are two different types of health anxiety. 1. You seek out medical advice for any and all issues or 2. You avoid doctors and tests like the plague because you��re scared of bad results. + +I am #2. 7 years ago, when I was 22, I had an OBGYN who badly needed clients bring me in 4x in a month unnecessarily to test me for slightly “abnormal” results on various things. She told me I could have everything from kidney failure to cervical cancer and kept running test after test. + +Every visit she thought I was something else. I had no symptoms - this all started with amy first annual exam with her. I freaked out so bad that my parents were concerned about my mental well-being. + +I went to my family GP back home, who talked me off a cliff and re-tested me for everything. I was fine. + +Fast forward 7 years. I’m now pregnant. I haven’t been to an OBGYN since that first doctor and am terrified. I was recommended a new OBGYN who was supposed to be really great. I go. I submit routine bloodwork, which was super scary for me due to previous experience. + +I get a call from new OBGYN telling me I tested positive for Hepatitis C, that it is chronic and incurable, and questioned about IV drug use. I run back in for follow up tests to tell me “how bad I have it.” + +Follow up tests show that I do not in fact have Hepatitis C at all. Doctor had failed to tell me the false positive rate is up to 50%. (Oh, and per other doctors, it is curable if I even did have it. There are commercials on TV about said cure for crying out loud!) + +Y’all, I can’t take this s*** anymore. I face my worst fear that I have a serious medical condition I’m unaware of, then I’m told they’ve found an underlying condition that could kill me, and then they TAKE IT ALL BACK. + +I trust one doctor, and one doctor only. That’s my GP and God help me when he retires. :*(",Anxiety +35440,"My story with HA & what has helped me! Hello, hello! Long-time lurker, first time poster. I first came to this sub like most of you, looking for other people who have experienced similar symptoms/reassurance. When I kept searching around, though, and reading people's posts about how they overcame their HA, that actually ended up helping me more than anything else. I've made a lot of progress in the past few months (much of it thanks to advice I've read in this sub!), so I thought I'd share some things that help me and a little bit about my story. + +I first started noticed my anxiety around health in my early 20s. I would take dozens upon dozens of pregnancy tests, convinced that they were all wrong and that I was pregnant anyway (even though I was on birth control at the time). I'd have headaches and get an MRI. etc. etc. You all know how it goes. I would Google myself into a hole until my anxiety was so bad that I started manifesting other physical symptoms. Then I convinced myself that those physical symptoms were also related to whatever I thought was wrong with me in the first place. It was a vicious, endless, painful cycle and I could not get myself out of it. It would go away but sure enough, when my life was stressful, it would happen all over again. + +A few months ago I had a panic attack in a cab on a way to a work meeting because I thought I was having a stroke and it was so bad that I had to get out of the car. I decided right then and there that I had to fix this thing. So, I tried changing some things. + +* I do. not. Google. symptoms. ever. I'm talking EVER. I put a note on my computer to remind me and everything. I do not do it. If I am feeling the urge to do it, I distract myself with a podcast or another task (I am online all day for my job, so if I can do this, anyone can). +* I remind myself that when you Google a symptom, you are asking Google's algorithm to show you the worst case scenario. And that is the result you are always going to get. +* I actually go to my annual doctor's appointments. I used to be so anxious about medical issues that I would avoid check-ups altogether. Now when I am having a minor symptom, I remind myself that I just went to the doctor and my tests/bloodwork were all fine. This helps. +* If a symptom persists for more than a few days, I make an appointment and I go. 99.9% of the time whatever symptom I was wanting to Google disappears within a day. +* I read this somewhere on here and it really helps. Whenever I'm *not* feeling anxious (or sometimes when I am, if I can focus), I try to sit completely still and really appreciate all the sensations my body is feeling that I usually ignore. It helps to put my other ""symptoms"" in perspective. There are millions of things going on in your body at all times. Obviously sometimes you're going to notice something every now and then. That doesn't mean you're dying. +* This one is what I struggle with the most but I REALLY try to not scroll through my phone before bed. Putting it on airplane mode and reading a book instead has done literal wonders for my mental health. + + +I hope this helps someone! I still struggle with this often, but these tips have really helped me, so I hope they help you too. I'm happy to answer any and all questions anyone might have.",Anxiety +52954,"Actually you're a total badass Most people are mentally and emotionally sane, relatively at least. They might claim that the worry is all in your head, not understanding that your corporeal experience strongly suggests otherwise. They might tell you to think positive, because they don't have an inner voice that constantly gets drowned out by a huge stadium packed with negative objectors. They might take it rather personally when socializing is the very least thing you want to do, they could never imagine that them yapping on about their normal life drains your already depleted life-energy. Some of them might start all kinds of shit with you because they see you as a weak and opportune victim to unload their own shit towards, never realizing they're the real cowards. + +Some of them might truly want to help you out and tell you get therapy asap, then you might see some random bureaucrat person completely devoid of empathy struggling to stay awake while you pour you heart of desperately looking for some kind of assistance. Assistance that usually comes in form of dubious drugs that only work at a hefty price by the way So they advice you to go see some private expensive experts, unaware of the fact that your wallets suffers with you. They like to imply that you just chill the f out and relax. Because they don't have that intrusive, horrible, horrible, horrible, encompassing, joy-devouring, soul-obliterating, sucking, painful, torturous, uneasy pit of dread stuck right in their stomach with racing thoughts to boot. Perhaps they'll make sly remarks on how you need to just grow up, after all, they don't know how's it's like to think like an adult while emotionally reacting like a little fragile child scared to death. + +They might say go the gym or be physically active and get some endorphins running. To be fair, is actually solid advice if you can muster the strength to go there. Off course they have their problems too, the difference however is that your problem is you and how that you contaminate every aspect of your life. The point is, according to some of 'them' you're just a loser, useless, lazy, afraid, a waste of space, a failure with nothing to show for in life. They are so much better than you and intentionally or not they make you buy their version of you. + +However. It's just opinions from judgemental people at the end of the day. I don't want to you to waste any energy on harboring any resentment, envy or anger towards anybody, they just don't understand. How could they know the truth. Perhaps even you don't the truth about yourself, so I'm going to say it, just in case. + +You simply being here and keeping on makes you a tough as nails. A warrior that fights hordes of demons every day. Bravery is defined by the will to face fear, you have fear stuffed in your face all the time. You may suffer endless anxiety, but you as a matter of fact are courageous by the definition of the word. Doing your best to just keep going, that's it. It's not some lofty motivational speech, just a cold fact. + +It may not help you any bit to read this, but I for one will not let it be unsaid. Anxiety is bad enough in itself, so rather than feeling shame in addition you have earned the right to have pride in yourself. My intention is for you to keep that in mind on your darkest days, because I know very well what it's like to suffer anxiety while having your character measured by factors out of your control.",Anxiety +34844,"I'm spiraling right now. What do you guys do. How do you cope with it. Just need a shoulder to lean on, and a friend to talk to. Recently just moved to a new city for a new job, and I am all by myself in my apartment. I don't have furniture yet and I am still sleeping in an air mattress right before I moved I had a muscle strain and the doctor prescribed me a short dose of prednisone. I started to get real bad side effects at the end of the course and my blood pressure is shot up. Went to the ER and was told not stress out and that it was just anxiety and the drug clearing my system. My intial BP when they took it was 180/97 and thenback secs later dropped to 163/93I was thirsty and urinating all the time. I was convinced I had diabetes and high blood pressure. All while moving to a new city & new job. Then began experiencing really bad heart issues coupled high blood pressure. Tried to just relax but still stressing. Then yesterday had a blood in my nose all day which freaked me out so much. I stupidly kept picking at it with my finger to check throughout the day. It never ended, had blood in my nose from 8am to 5pm was freaked out went to the ER doctor prescribes me a bunch of antibiotics and steroids. Looking back I am in shock on how I just kept sticking my finger in my nose because I was so anxious. Now I am hardcore stressing over catching MRSA or staph because didn't wash my hands before and was in the hospital. Then today, spit up blood that lasted for about 30 mins. Thought I was dying. Called 911 Em's came and they were not to concerned looking at the amount of blood the fact that I was being treated for blood in nose. I'm currently convinced right now that I have a deadly bacterial infection and will die this weekend all while having high blood pressure. Reading consistently is 145-155ish/over 95-80ish range. I have always been 120/70. Can stress keep this Bo so high for weeks on end. I have no friends here yet and family is across the country. Help I'm destroying my life with this.",Anxiety +210,"Yes, what will happen later :'), I'm worried that I can control my emotions",Anxiety +35202,"Mucus in Stool and Anxiety Do you guys have white mucus in your stool? I'm very anxious and very often worry about my health. As the rest of you here, I ""survived"" numerous illnesses, diseases and I always worried about them without real reason. +In the last 2+ years I have some white mucus with every stool. Sometimes barely noticeable, sometimes more. Of course I'm freaking out and think about IBD, cancer and the worst possible outcome. However I don't have any other symptoms. No abdominal pain, no blood. I even don't fit into IBS, those guys have much more troubles than me. If this is IBD or cancer I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel well and would have more symptoms. I'm also one of those guys who afraid to be diagnosed thus I didn't visited a doctor yet. +I had periods when I managed to convict myself that I'm fine and during that periods I have very small amounts of mucus. But a few days ago it become more noticeable, then I started to examine my poops and freaked out. Of course now I have more and more of it. +I'm curious if this could be my anxiety only? Do you guys ever noticed mucus in your stool?",Anxiety +35482,"[Kinda Gross] Hey what is this in my throat, I'm kinda sick [https://imgur.com/a/hGoYeL7](https://imgur.com/a/hGoYeL7) + +&#x200B; + +It's got me kinda concerned.",Anxiety +52770,i keep missing important phonecalls because im too anxious yeah. i keep missing calls about jobs or even more important stuff and i hate myself so much for it. i just get so anxious and start to panic and i just...can't answer. and its got to a point where im just constantly nervous because i'm scared that at any moment someones gonna call me. has anyone else had a similar issue and if so any tips? 😭,Anxiety +52134,"Time to leave or anxiety taking over? Recently I have been doubting everything, my job, my friendships and heavily doubt my relationship. +Before my anxiety was all consuming my relationship was great but over the last few months it's felt like it has deteriorated. +I can't tell if this is just my anxious brain because I literally doubt everything at the moment or whether this is a sign I should leave. +Does anyone have any experience with this?",Anxiety +34223,I have very annoying intrusive/obsessive thoughts I didn’t know where to turn so here I am. For starters I’m not diagnosed with any anxiety disorder or other mental health illness. It’s not always as bad as it has been for the past few days but it’s already annoying me so much. It’s like I can’t relax my mind and the biggest issue for me is watching my current TV show. I know it sounds dumb but it’s what i love doing the most and what makes it easier to get through the day. It’s like these annoying thoughts keep getting in the way and I can’t enjoy watching my stuff. For instance I’m up next to solve an exercise in math class on tuesday in front of the class and it’s not for a grade or anything but my brain keeps telling me that I won’t be able to relax until i complete that and I wish my turn was on friday so i could enjoy the weekend. I don’t know how to clear my mind so i can get into what’s happening in my TV show and truly enjoy it like I normally do. I would appreciate any suggestions if you understand/can relate to what I’m going through atm.,Anxiety +34863,"I’m not sure if I’m anxious or allergic to alcohol Pretty much title says it all. I recently started drinking [17M] and I was fine in the beginning. I could drinking beer and liquor and not get sick. Within the past 4 months, every single time I’ve drank I’ve gotten sick. I’m 100% sure I’m not drinking too much because I had maybe one shot and still threw up. When I throw up I start shaking uncontrollably and my face and hands go numb/pins and needles. I’m able to go to parties and I’m fine as long as I don’t drink. But if I have even one drink I will throw everything up. If anyone has any idea please let me know bc it’s really frustrating. + +Tl;dr: every time I drink I throw up and it’s not because I’m drinking too much ",Anxiety +34472,"I’m so scared I’m having anxiety right now, I feel really nauseous and my phobia is to vomit. I’m so so so scared",Anxiety +52245,"Suddenly felt like I cant breath? I was having a panic attack, then i calmed down a little and then suddenly i feel like something is taking away my breath from the inside for a second, its like a sleep apnea, but i am awake. Is this normal??? I've had this in sleep before when fell asleep after being stressed, but I've never had this awake. Now i have a strange feeling in my throat and stomach. Might this be related to stomach?",Anxiety +52028,"Overwhelming Fear of Blindness & Deafness. How Can I Overcome? **I've had an overwhelming fear of blindness and deafness for years.** + +I developed **tinnitus** when I was in high school, due to exposure to loud music. My tinnitus isn't awful, I'm able to be productive around it. But ever since then, I've been fearful of one day losing all my hearing. + +Also, I've been fearful about blindness, due to a family history of sight issues, **dry eye syndrome**, occasional **eye floaters**, and the fact I often work late nights on my laptop. + +I saw a doctor about the eye floaters, but **was told that those are normal**, and most people get them. + +I'm conflicted because I have a smartphone compulsion, which feeds my fear of visual impairment. + +I just want to know how I can overcome **these fears because they often give me anxiety**, and I almost cried once out of fear my vision was getting cloudy. + +I'm sure it's not the end all be all, but **I fear I won't be able to achieve my dreams (filmmaking) if my sight and hearing are affected.** + +**Would really appreciate any words of encouragement and help. Thank you.**",Anxiety +35833,"Has anyone successfully learned to accept the possibility of a spontaneous death as a method of getting over health anxiety? I know this is weird, but I had a meeting with my school's CBT counselor and she talked about how a good way to get over health anxiety is to just accept the fact that any of us could just drop dead at any moment. Honestly, I feel like this is probably my best hope for getting over my health anxiety and panic attacks, but I have no idea how I can train my mind to think like this. I really don't want to die, but I want to be able to have this mindset so I can stop constantly thinking about random heart attacks and strokes. Anyone have any input or experience on this matter?",Anxiety +34910,"Swollen lymph node, goes away as fast as it inflames \*\*Repost from AskDocs + +As far as i remember, this began this past summer. One of my armpits would get a painful feeling, almost as if I pulled a muscle or so, but no lump or anything. Then a couple of days later, it would be painful and a lump and what I figure to be a lymph node. It's never more than 1 inflamed at a time under 1 armpit. It used to be just the left, but this morning I woke up with one under my right. I would say the frequency is about 1 flare up every 2 to 4 weeks, moreso on the side of a month. And no bigger than a pea, or maybe M&M. I can't really tell since I touch it, but sometimes the skin appears reddish underneath, sometimes it doesn't. They eventually go down again and no pain and it feels fine. I don't ever have any symptoms of being sick, as in cough, fever, chills, etc. Everything is pretty normal beside the lymph node (if it is that) flaring up. So, something more serious to worry about and go see my PC or just let it be? Could they be cysts that flare up and then go back down? It's not the same lump either, the location changes too. I do have history of healthy anxiety (my fear is lymphoma) and i've been to the doc plenty of times this past year already and would rather not for something like this, especially when it goes away. + +I should mention, not sure if this matters, but I had changed deodorants around the same time frame, from deo/antiperspirant to just a deodorant. Anyone got an idea?",Anxiety +53029,"Anxiety After Seeing Dog Having Seizure Back in January my 3 year old lab mix had what we think was a mild seizure. We took him to the vet the next day. Blood work came back normal so all we can really do is see if it happens again. Thankfully it hasn't happened again but we don't know for sure. + +But I don't want to see it happen again. This dog is my whole world, my best friend. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've always had anxiety but after seeing that happen to him it's gotten worse. I hate seeing him suffer. + +There are days where I don't want to leave the house in case anything happens to him. There are days where I hardly eat or drink anything because I'm so anxious. + +I don't know how to move on. If it happens again I don't know how I will cope. I want my boy to live a long happy life.",Anxiety +52445,"My mom triggers my anxiety when driving I’m practicing driving from my road test coming up soon. When I’m driving in the car with my mom, she makes me feel nervous and anxious. Every time I make mistake, she makes this mad face and cross her arms. It make my heart rush. When I get very nervous and anxious, I can throw up or have a seizure. I told my my mom that she triggers my anxiety. She was mad and started yelling at me because she was one of triggers to my anxiety. For now I’m practicing with my new driving teacher. The teacher is relax and cool.",Anxiety +203,I'm starting to worry,Anxiety +35782,"I don't wanna eat [Trigger Warning] I do not know if this is the right subreddit for this; if its not then please redirect me to a proper subreddit. + +I do not think know if this counts as an eating disorder or not. I think about not eating sometimes although I have not acted upon it. The reason why I don't want to eat is because of my periods. If I don't eat I will not get my period. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to menstruation. This post I made explains why. + +https://www.reddit.com/r/menstruation/comments/af32dw/i_wanna_talk_about_menophobia_my_story/ + +My period is the main cause of my anxiety. I'm tired of being ashamed and embarrassed about this. I'm tired of being not like everyone else. I just don't want to put up this anymore. I'd like to add that I haven't started to starve myself, these are just intrusive thoughts. Although, I kinda want to stop eating. + +I'm not calling this an eating disorder is because it has nothing to do weight or body image. As you can see, this is very complicated. If I do stop eating, I'll take everything into consideration. + +The only way for me to be happy is without my period. I'll eat when I don't have my period that month or whatever. + +I want to try to conquer my fear of sex/menstruation. But I know I can't do it. People on Reddit say that I should try to learn about what's going on in body so that I won't be afraid. I definitely can't do that. I'm a loser because of this. + +I blame myself a lot for being this fear. Its all my fault. I hit myself from time to time because I feel so stupid. I have not told my family that I think about not eating anything. I feel too guilty to tell someone. People already don't understand why I feel uncomfortable about sexuality and menstruation. Life sucks. + +Again, if this isn't the place for this let me know.",Anxiety +34731,"Dr. Ravishankar Polisetty | Top Ayurvedic Doctor in India ## [Dr. Ravishankar Polisetty | Top Ayurvedic Doctor in India](http://drravishankarpolisetty.com/) + +**Dr. Ravishankar Polisetty** is one of the **Top Ayurvedic Doctor in India****.** A Cardiovascular Surgeon cum NaturopathDr. Ravishankar Polisetty developed many advanced methodologies through an integrative approach to manage diseases like IHD, arthritis, allergies, asthma, calculi in various organs and some forms of cancer. + +For appointment +Visit our website:- [http://drravishankarpolisetty.com/](http://drravishankarpolisetty.com/)",Anxiety +35818,"Having a severe panic attack, might be triggering As of today, I've suddenly begun experiencing a sweet taste in my mouth. I'm a long time sufferer of health anxiety, and intrusive thoughts compelled me to start self-diagnosing what the issue could be. While my family has no history of Diabetes, and I eat well, I saw that it could be an early symptom for type 2 diabetes. Since I've seen that, I've convinced myself that that's exactly what it is, and that my life is over. I'll just have to live with a future of crippling health issues from here on out. I can't get it out of my mind, and the fear of that is overwhelming me. I'm hyperventilating, and I don't know what I can do to put my mind at ease. I know it's probably nothing in reality, but this idea claws at the back of my mind, going ""What's wrong with looking out for your health? It's better to catch these things early"" and it compels me to look further into it, which further perpetuates the cycle. I'm so tired, and scared, and I don't know what to do. + +EDIT: Since I've now read that additional symptoms are excessive drinking and bathroom visits, I'm obsessing over that and am afraid to do either.",Anxiety +52347,"I’m a dummy dumb I took my anxiety med today late cause I keep forgetting. They switched me to one that I have to take in the AM so I get up and rush to work and forget. Well I get home and do a few things and I can’t remember if one of those things was me taking the pill. I’m like 90% sure I didn’t so I took my chances and took one cause I get extremely irritable if I miss more than one dose.. I feel fine so far I think I’m okay. If I start to feel funny later I’ll know why. + +Like I said I’m pretty freakin sure I didn’t double dose but I’m also like 10% like.. hmmm. Anyways.. that was a stupid story.",Anxiety +35424,"L Theanine just wondering if anyone would wanna share their experiences with l theanine? speciallyin regards to dosage, frequency and effects. + +&#x200B; + +thanks!",Anxiety +35215,"I choked on a grape and now I'm worried that it got into my lungs, does this sound possible? As stupid as this sounds, my anxiety is telling me that since I was eating a grape and laughed and coughed a bit, I inhaled the juice and my lungs are going to react. Should I worry? + +The long version is: I laughed while eating a grape and it caused me to cough, it was more coughing than I'm used to and it burned a bit, so I was worried that I didn't cough it out well enough. I'm feeling a little tired now (6hrs later) and short of breath and my mucus is that sickly yellow. I felt immediate pain an hour after it happened but I don't feel it anymore, but most of these might be health anxiety. I haven't coughed since it happened, which should tell me that nothing is wrong but I'm worried nonetheless. I spend most of my time worrying about this sort of thing and I realise it's bordering impossible to have it happen but I can't stop worrying. ",Anxiety +34214,"Might actually have a tumor! Hurray! Hard benign lump that came on with tinnitus/hearing loss, vision problems, tremors, restless legs. Didn’t think of the weird hard bump that had been growing on my mastoid. Only thing that has hard noticeable lump on that part of my head is osteoma. Mine looks exactly like all the pics I’ve seen and same symptoms. Seeing specialist tomorrow. :(",Anxiety +34724,"I told myself that 2019 was going to be the year I beat this; two days in I’ve failed I discovered a small spot on my abdomen to the right of my belly button that is a little bit sore when I bend over or move a certain way. I’ve poked and prodded at it so much trying to feel around for any abnormalities such as a lump, that now it hurts more from all the poking. I’m not exactly sure what it is that I’m afraid I have this time since I’m trying so hard not to google anything and besides appendicitis, I am not sure what other malicious causes could explain this sort of abdominal pain. My mom says it’s probably a muscle strain. +I do not feel anything abnormal when I press, however I carry some extra weight in my belly so I fear that I just cannot feel anything through the layer of fat. +Not a great start to 2019 at all. ",Anxiety +34188,"I looked into my DLP projector for a second. Will I go blind? I got this new fancy DLP projector and was as stupid as I possibly could be. I tried to see what was blocking the light and leaving a shadow on my wall. Of course I looked directly into the lens for a second and it left a first white dot that then became green and black. + +I could see it for ten minutes or so. And it’s pretty much gone but it feels like I’ve lost some center focus. + +Can this repair itself or have I permanent vision damage now ? + +I’ll go see a doctor tomorrow. Just wonder if anyone has tried something like that. A google search didn’t really yield any results which makes me think i might just be worrying too much. + +I’m writing this in the dark on my phone and there aren’t any noticeable visual artifacts but I have an issue with looking at faces on tv. It looks like there’s something blocking some of the information. + +What do you guys think?",Anxiety +219,"Panic, don't know what to panic about. Restless alone, think too",Anxiety +52164,"I’ve been having panic attacks that resulted in extreme adrenaline rushes daily for the past few weeks. I am a 24yo male, i have suffered with gad and panic attacks ever since i was 16. + +Over the years i went to therapy and even overcame (mostly at least) my health anxiety. +To a point that both my psychiatrist (psychotherapist? Imho not sure, English isn’t my first language) and I felt as if could go back to going to a psychologist. Everything has been going okay, i kept eating well, i exercise regularly (4/5 times x week at the gym, walks with my dog, and i try to walk around as much as i can other than my commute to work, not 10k steps on most days, but i try to stay active) + +I have been on medications. I used xanax regularly and then started using it only if needed. Once these panic attacks began, i decided to switch to diazepam, since the xanax was making me very sleepy without helping too much with the anxiety. That didn’t help. + +I started having panic attacks/adrenaline rushes for every minor incident or event. 5 mins late for a meetup/reservation? High heart rate, anxiety all the usual. Calling a client on the phone and telling them they’ll have to pay xx amount? Same result. Everything minor sends me towards a panic attack/adrenaline rush. Even weed, which i smoked probably once per week on a friday evening started giving me horrible panic attacks, even if wasn’t still high yet. + +I’m really at a loss here, i don’t want to go on like this and I’m kind of worried for my health and the impact this anxiety has on it. I will bring this up during my next session, but in the meantime i wanted to confront myself with someone that has/is experiencing the same issues. + +Thank you all",Anxiety +34961,"How can you overcome health anxiety? Hi, I (21F) grew up with a few chronic illnesses (Type 1 Diabetes, hypothyroidism, and Scoliosis). I've been a ""hypochondriac"" my entire life. From potential Diabetes complications (floaters that emerged last year have caused me to think I'm going blind every day, despite appointments with 3 different eye doctors who all said that I was fine) to thinking I have HIV (I don't) to Lymes Disease, I always freak myself out. Especially about my eyes. It's hard to go on in my day to day life and my therapist doesn't help much. + +&#x200B; + +So how can one overcome health anxiety?",Anxiety +34702,"It's officially affecting my every day life The anxiety meds aren't responding. I got finished with an eye doctor appointment who told me my eyes were fine (the initial cause of this), got one night of rest (after 3 weeks of anxious manic hell) and it started up the next day. It moved from my eyes to other health concerns. It just never stops. I've talked to my therapist but I don't know when I'll see my psychiatrist next. I'm losing sleep. I'm barely hanging in there. I'm being a good girl and staying away from google but still continuously performing body checks every few hours and obsessing over random sensations and tingles on my body. + +Sleeping is the worst. I can't at all. I toss and turn. Wake up from panic attacks. Have vivid nightmares. It's just all gone to hell after years of building up and I don't know what to do. I've attempted grounding, meditation, nature sounds, reassuring myself, etc etc. It builds back up. + +I'm not sure where to go next or what to do. Maybe more doctor appointments, if it even helps anymore. Sometimes I think they're lying to me. Sometimes my brain tells me they either missed something or just aren't trained enough. I'm just crying right now because I feel so defeated. My brain has collapsed into itself and I can't escape it anymore.",Anxiety +254,Other people don't know I feel anxious every day.,Anxiety +126,The last time I felt this nervous was on Wednesday. When he found out his mother died. I hope this isn't a sign anymore,Anxiety +35759,"Trying some anxiety research Hey everyone! I'm doing a project trying to really understand more of the perspective of people with anxiety. I am posting this on multiple subreddits to try and get the most amount of results. I would really appreciate it if you guys wouldn't mind helping me with my project, if this isn't within the rules, I'll one hundred percent take it down, but it would mean a lot to me to be able to get a more varied response to understand all kind of anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +[https://forms.gle/j8WQ8Y1NV2PC6xvv8](https://forms.gle/j8WQ8Y1NV2PC6xvv8)",Anxiety +35650,"DVT?? I pray not. I may end up going to my uc soon if this doesn't resolve. + +I'm 20/F. I had a 3hr 40 min test last week and the very next day my inner upper thigh started hurting. + +It hurts to walk and I couldn't raise my leg. 3 days later and the pain is still there though it may be a bit better. It feels like it spread a bit to my knee and the rest of my thigh. I'm paranoid that if it is a blood clot then it broke off and is moving around. Reading all these stories of active women getting DVT and then PE is stressing me out. + +I haven't had any swelling or heat which is good. Thanks for letting me vent.",Anxiety +34246,"What is wrong with me? I’ve always been extremely articulate and smart. I operated on a higher consciousness than most people just in the sense that I was more aware of my surroundings and I thought deeply about things. I was also quick witted and being funny was probably my defining personality trait. Until about a week ago, I felt like my normal self (still a very anxious person regarding my health, particularly a brain tumor). Now I just feel like there’s been a substantial cognitive decline. I can’t think as deeply and I’m constantly second guessing myself on if I’m using words correctly. I feel Ike my vocabulary is getting worse and I google synonyms for words about 30 times a day. At the same time, I also feel more relaxed. It sounds weird but I’d rather feel smart and anxious than dumb and relaxed. I’m not even particularly happy. I feel like I have no emotions (something that has been persisting for a while) but now I feel like I have no intelligence (something new to me). I am slower to respond in arguments and don’t feel as witty as I was two weeks ago. Maybe I’m thinking too much about my speech but I just wish I could revert back to normal. Everything just feels so superficial to me. It’s weird. I know a symptom of brain tumors is a shift in consciousness. I’m messing up when I talk a lot more. I feel like I’m forgetting words and not winning in arguments (very rare for me). I’m only 15 (almost 16) and feel like I have Alzheimer’s or something. On a side site, the only other truly concerning symptom I have that could be indicative of something more serious is the smell of smoke occasionally. This isn’t a daily occurrence or even a weekly but maybe once or twice a month, I’ll get a whiff of the faint smell of smoke that is certainly not coming from real life. As of lately, I just feel so dumb. I just can’t stress the fact that I’ve never felt this way before. I hate this feeling. I haven’t really had emotions for a while (this is due to some trauma I’ve been through) but lack of intelligence is brand new. I may not be completely devoid of my intellect (as I’m able to express my thoughts coherently in this format) but I feel slower than usual. I use to partake in writing creative stories and stuff and I tried to do that yesterday and I struggled and was uncharacteristically out of ideas. Sorry if this sounds repetitive but this has been going on for about a week now and I’m not sure what’s up. My parents won’t let me get an CAT Scan (I got an MRI in March 2016 and everything was fine). Is there a possibly a tumor could’ve developed in this short of amount of time? Thoughts and opinions please. I just feel like a completely different person + + + +Also sometimes when I’d feel really weird or things would get too heavy, I’d cry and the feelings would subside. Now I can’t even cry cause I feel like I don’t even have feelings in the first place. I use to be able to explain this perfectly all the time (or so it felt like) and I took great pride in my ability to articulate things. Now I feel like whenever I do so, there’s a little voice in my head questioning what I say and if it makes complete sense. I now I sound articulate in my post but I don’t feel like I sound like this in real life. Or it at least takes too long for me to express myself. ",Anxiety +34835,"Does this just sound like anxiety/depression? Hey! I know you guys arent doctors, and I am waiting for a call back from psychiatrists, but I was wondering if any of you guys have had similar symptoms and could give me some insight. + +I feel like the way most people describe there anxiety is a lot different than how mine feels. + +&#x200B; + +Sometimes I just get these episode where everything gets ""scary."" I just feel confused and very on edge and everything makes me jumpy. My life feels almost like a horror movie during these times. Usually a small sound (such as my fridge, PC, anything really) will seem to grow louder and seem eerie/spooky. My thoughts go down this loop of ""Do I have some sort of serious chronic mental illness, will I feel this way forever, will it get worse?"" And of course I try to shut these thoughts down and sometimes can, but the feelings are still there and very real. Sometimes I get very weird (and super brief) thoughts of doing rash things (flipping the fuck out on my grandma for example). It feels like there's an anchor in my stomach and sometimes, but not usually, Ill get shaky and have heart palpitations. These episodes last for well over 15 minutes and I never feel normal afterwards so I get annoyed when people label them as simple panic attacks, because they way other people describe there's, I feel as though mine are a lot different. + +&#x200B; + +Another thing to add, is over the summer I did acid for the first time, and I always read that acid will onset any mental illness you are going to get in the future. So I often fear that I did acid and fucked myself over because of it, but nobody on either side of the family has a history of schizophrenia or anything of the sort. + +&#x200B; + +If anyone could give me some insight, or share what their crippling anxiety feels like I would love to hear it. Thanks guys -nn",Anxiety +661,Restless and happy at the same time this is so,Anxiety +52805,"Redditors with trust issues due to childhood trauma, how do you cope and build trust with others? am a 19-year-old college student, trying to make the best of my life despite my past. Growing up, I had a difficult childhood. My father and stepfather were both abusive and would often beat me up for the smallest reasons. I remember hiding in my room and praying that they would leave me alone, but it never worked. + +My mom was an alcoholic, and she never showed me any love or affection. She was always too drunk to care about anything that was going on in my life. I felt like I was all alone in the world, and I had no one to turn to. + +As a result of my childhood, I developed a deep sense of trust issues. I find it hard to open up to people and let them in. I am constantly afraid that they will hurt me in some way, just like my father and stepfather did. + +But despite all of this, I refuse to let my past define me. I am determined to make something of myself and create a better life for me. College has been a fresh start for me, and I have made some friends who seem to genuinely care about me. + +However, even with my newfound friendships, I still find it hard to trust people. I am always on guard and keep people at arm's length, afraid that they will hurt me like my father and stepfather did. + +Sometimes, I wish I could forget about my past and start anew, but it's always there in the back of my mind, haunting me. It's hard to let go of the pain and the memories that shaped me into the person I am today. + +But I refuse to let my past hold me back. I am determined to overcome my trust issues and build a better future for myself.",Anxiety +35357,"Worried about colon cancer again. Ugh. Hi, + +So I’ve been away for a while from this sub trying to sort myself out. I had a massive colon cancer scare end of 2017/ beginning of 2018 which subsided after numerous tests at doctors. However, I’ve recently started worrying again - I use the toilet about 3 times a day. Have urgency to go. Sometimes have flat stools - worried it’s colon cancer and I’ve had it for 18+ months :/ + +",Anxiety +52447,"Going to be a horrible day, how do I deal? Tomorrow i will have to do booking and phonecalls at work, i hate it, but I have to. It gives me so much anxiety, makes my brain all foggy and i cant think straight. I stumble in my words and i worry I sound just stressed and stupid. I also dont know the answers to anything yet. Does anyone have any tips on how i can best prepare for it? And how to stop my brain from stressing out and shutting down? It's probably just gonna be tomorrow, so all i need is to get through that day.",Anxiety +34755,"terrified of being pregnant hiii + +i'm 19 and on birth control but sometimes i'm bad at taking it on time because of the hours that i work. in september i had sex without a condom but he didn't finish in me and we didn't even have sex for very long so i know there's a low chance of pregnancy already. i've had light periods every month since then (which isn't unusual for me) but i've also had pregnancy symptoms like backpain, moodiness and headaches that my doctor said is just stress from school and work. i've taken 3 pregnancy tests and they've all been negative but i can't shake the feeling that i'm pregnant because i read so much about women who didn't know they were pregnant until later on/labor, or women that had light monthly bleeding throughout their pregnancy. + +i know that i'm overreacting but i just keep analyzing my body way too much and thinking about every random pain or symptom i get. does anyone have advice for making this anxiety go away? i've stopped googling my symptoms because every search brings me to babycenter forums but i can't stop thinking about it :/ + +thank you sm :)",Anxiety +34423,Anyone else have health anxiety only about their genitals? I recently realised that about 95% of my health anxiety is about my genitals. This really blows because your genitals are something which are dear in a way to you and are obviously very private parts of your body. Wondering if anyone else is like me?,Anxiety +52930,"Am I being too hard on myself? I'm putting myself through a university undergraduate degree as a mature student (25) and I just had my grades improve over the last two semesters. But this semester... +My father in law had emergency surgery in January. +I got approved for breast reduction surgery in February and had it done March 21st (this past Tuesday) and now I have to drop 1 course out of 3 because I'm failing it and can't keep up (it's an elective that's not in my field of study). +I think the stress of that course will jeprodize my recovery, but my stress isn't gone. Due to my Fs in that course, I'm second guessing myself. I have an interview this coming Tuesday to be a research assistant and have to submit a writing sample and I feel inadequate. Even though I get really high marks on my papers in my field. + +I feel like I'm not allowed to be proud of myself. To be optimistic or excited. I feel like I have to be hard on myself instead of encouraging. I sound delusional asking if I'm being too hard on myself because I know the answer... But I can't let myself believe it.",Anxiety +34340,"Flu vs. Cold For the past few days, I've had a moderate fever that comes and goes, up to 101.2 F (Starting on Wednesday), coughing (first dry, now with phlegm), a sore throat (started Saturday, went away Thursday), night sweats, chills, stuffy/runny nose and sneezing. I am not exhausted and am able to leave the house easily, and can stay active. What do you suspect this is? I'm scared I'll go into Septic Shock and die.",Anxiety +726,Feeling excessively anxious all the time can disrupt sleep patterns or not?,Anxiety +28,Why is this cave... I'm already in a bad mood and then my heart seems to be beating really fast... I'm really nervous. Is there something wrong???,Anxiety +268,"For the past few days, he's been a bit restless, he's not calm like that.",Anxiety +34965,"Worried about colon cancer... again. Hey all long story short I’ve been worried I have colon cancer for like 5 years now with months of not worrying alternating with weeks of major anxiety. I’m 24/ M / 190 Pounds and have struggled with blood on the toilet paper every few months. About a year ago I went to urgent care to try and remedy my worry, had a digital rectal exam that the doctor said was “totally normal” which relieved me for all of about a month. For the last few months I’ve felt like I finally beat my worry and today I went and had like 2 little drops of blood on the wipe I used even after a relatively soft and easy to pass stool. So now I’m here, trying to decided if I should pay up and have a colonoscopy or if I’m just letting my anxiety get to me again. Anybody else have this fear or any advice for someone who does? ",Anxiety +123,I'm most worried when my mom is sick.,Anxiety +51970,"Is it anxiety and over thinking? Or is it intuition? How to know the difference? My partner has lied to me in the past and now anything that is remotely close to that topic makes me think he’s lying. And then I spiral and think I have to check his phone, then I think he deleted messages, then I need to check his Apple Watch, and then I think he may have used another form of contact and I start to feel like maybe I’m being illogical and crossing the line. In the moment, I feel like nothing can give me relief except for finding solid “proof.” + +I’m not proud of this behavior. I recently started therapy for my overall anxiety. Unfortunately it is hard to afford to have sessions often enough. + +Context: +He lied 1.5 years ago about something relating to a female coworker it was not infidelity. After lying, he was able to “prove” he was telling the truth. I feel 99% confident about it. Since then, he lied about about small things like not playing video games while on the phone. Idk I don’t want to damage my relationship with this but I also don’t want to be lied to again and turn a blind eye. + + +So how can I know if I am acting because of anxiety and overthinking opposed to following intuition and following my gut. My intuition is how I caught his initial lie.",Anxiety +35359,"Protip: a terrible disease would most likely hurt a whole lot. Aches and twinges are fine. I know some of the diseases we're worrying about don't fall under this category, but most of them would. Your body would respond with the appropriate amount of pain for a serious affliction. + +",Anxiety +34112,"Help I was doing so well with my fears of colon cancer over the Christmas period. My symptoms were minimal, and I finally truly believed I didn’t have it. But now, im scared I won’t see another Christmas again. I’ve been having slight feelings of being sick, thin stools, stomach ache, and a sore anus on and off. I don’t think I’ve had blood but sometimes stools are darker than others. And I feel a pain slightly in my left side when I put pressure on it and I’m convinced I have a lump there when no one else can feel anything. I’m only 15 so I’m told chances aren’t very likely. But my grandma had it at around 60, so that’s what worries me. Around 2/3 weeks before I started worrying I had blood and urine tests due to another worry, and I was completely clear of anything. But maybe that was too early to detect anything. I’ve been in this state for like 6 months now. And it’s tearing my life apart, not knowing whether or not I’m gonna be here in a few months",Anxiety +52759,,Anxiety +560,"I had to be firm about the problem, rather than worry about the thought of her torturing me.",Anxiety +34525,"Hemorrhoids or Colon Cancer? Help? Help, freaking out a bit here. + +Never considered the possibility of cancer. + +Here's the symptoms: +- I'm young, 23, so I know I have the odds in my favor here as far as likelihood goes +- Itchy butt (it seems to start near my colon, but itches all the way up my crack and on my cheeks; this is why I initially thought it was a yeast infection); comes and goes depending on carb intake & stress +- Just recently, I had some bad diarrhea and have been obnoxiously gassy since (for about the last week); farting is basically incessant +- Stools have normalized for the most part since, I'll have some hearty ones (the type you're proud of), sometimes some thinner ones, no additional diarrhea +- During the aforementioned diarrhea episode, there was some blood when I wiped (bright red, I seemed to come directly in contact with the ""source"" while wiping so not sure if that's a hemorrhoid or a polyp?); no blood in stool though +- Also, the itchy butt started after having sex w a girl I dated a few months ago (did an STD screening, negative) + +What worries me is just the combo of the incessant gas + itchy burning butt + blood + +Is a colonoscopy in order? Or does this sound like something less serious. +",Anxiety +52084,"Can't talk to people on games I used to not play games with voice chat and I'd be fine, but recently I've been playing with voice chat. I notice my friends never seem affected by toxicity, but no matter how much people are toxic to me I just don't get used to it. Even when I'm not mad and just joking, my eyes water up, I'm flustered, and my breath is shaky. I have social anxiety but I never got bothered online about it, usually just in person and on the phone. Anyone else affected by this?",Anxiety +34212,"Terrified of PCOS For the past 7 months, the fear of developing PCOS has taken over me, despite have no symptoms. I’ve always had normal periods. They always come every 28 days and last for 5. Not only that but I’ve always been skinny, I haven’t had a bad acne breakout since I was 14, I don’t get any facial hair aside from a little on my upper lip and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have diabetes. + +But I gained 3 pounds this month. And my period started yesterday and then completely stopped. So now I’m convinced I have it and I can’t think about anything else. + +The last time PCOS fears struck me I had two panic attacks in a row and was a state of high stress for a while. My period ended up coming a week and a half early which just made the anxiety worse. Eventually everything went back to normal but for some reason I’m convinced that won’t happen this time. + +I know PCOS is not a death sentence but I have never worried so much about an illness :/",Anxiety +34769,"Four days of pure hell Today I decided I was tired of feeling like I was in mental prison. I have been not doing a lot because I feared I was dying after going to the dentist and feeling on and off fatigue for the last 4 days. I think I made it worse by thinking non stop negative thoughts. I literally poisoned myself with my thoughts. My lovely boyfriend came over the other day happy to see me and I was trying my hardest to hide my state of panic and fear from him. I couldn’t even enjoy my time with him... + +I think I’m okay today. This morning I was like fuck this and just got ready. I’m hoping today I feel better. I might have had slight fatigue but my mind turned it into 100* worse then it was .... ",Anxiety +52652,"Wedding speech in a few days, social anxiety So I’ve always had an aspect of social anxiety within me, usually in groups of more than 3 or 4 people. One on one or in a group of 3 in absolutely fine. + +I had some bad experiences of speeches and presentations back in high school and totally avoided it throughout my adult life. + +I’m now 31 and the only public speaking (if you can calll it that) I’ve done is a hand full of interviews to no more than 3 people. + +I’m my brothers best man at his wedding in a few days and I’ve got to do it in front of 100 or so people which seems absolutely alien to me. My heart races and I get sweaty palms just thinking about it or practicing in front of a mirror. + +I hate the sound of my own voice and it just begins to break/shake and I go bright red and my mouth makes this involuntary frowning thing like I’m about to cry whenever I’ve had to do it in the past. + +I’ve read online countless tips and advice but I just don’t feel these people have it half as bad as I do? I’ve resorted to getting a low dose of diazepam from my doctor (only 6 2mg tablets) and they have told me to take a maximum of 3 of theses before the speech. Will this honestly help? I appreciate the concerns about mixing alcohol and diazepam but I do believe that is a low dose and I only plan on having 1 or 2 small bottles of beer before the speech. + +Any tips/advice? + +TIA.",Anxiety +34226,"Someone please help First of all I urge anyone who reads this to please give an opinion on what they think it may be, I'm worried sick. Thanks in advance. + + +Ok i've made posts about things I've felt before but somehow everything I had 2 weeks ago is now gone and has been replaced by new fears. + +I'll get straight to it, here are symptoms with context: + +- Odd feeling on left side of body, mainly legs, only when laying or sitting. Feels like weakness but I can still walk just fine and feel no difference in balance. Sort of like fatigue without any actual excercise to cause it, really odd and it scares me. + +- Tinnitus, already diagnosed 2 years ago with bilateral tinnitus and it's got easier to deal with. But in times like these it makes me feel awful. I'm aware of the recent progresses in Tinnitus treatment so it doesn't worry me too much as it's benign and only sounds when i'm in silence. + +- Constipation, probably caused by the stress or anxiety. Either way it might be causing me problems. + +- Intermittent sharp stomach pains on the left side of my abdomen under ribs, I called the doctor about it and he said it was nothing lethal or worrying but to get it checked out anyway. That my current worst fear, that I had a digestive infection caused by the constipation. + +- A feeling that for some reason, I'm going to die tomorrow from some lethal random attack of sorts, like my intestines will rupture from a tiny stomach pain, or that I'll have a heart attack because I can sometimes hear pounding in my head. That's the worst of all of this, the never being able to relax, I feel on edge 24/7. Researching everything that I can in order to reassure myself, only to find an even worse disease that vaguely correlates to my symptoms. + +I always feel the urge to check my speech to see if it's slurred, or check my heartrate to check for palpitations, or check my typing to check for stroke/ALS. I seriously can't keep living like this, why do I keep getting these physical symptoms?! + +Many thanks, Max +",Anxiety +35705,"[Trigger warning] I'm 17, I have MS, and I'm worried I also have colon cancer. It's been quite the rough year and I'll admit my HA wasn't as bad as it was after my family got the results from my first MRI test. Sure, I googled symptoms all the time, especially because one of my ""enflamed lesions"" was causing me chronic nausea for more than a month, leading me to finally start on my google journey again and begin to go down the rabbit hole of different problems I could possibly have. Until I got double vision, I was almost convinced I had esophagus cancer. + +It was crazy. I googled stuff all the time, cried over things I might have, worried about it till I fell asleep. But I never really expected the new thing called ""MS"" i saw in passing was actually going to end up being me. It was crazy. Every single part. And as you can already expect, it's fueling even more, even worse anxiety as I try to figure out some current bowel problems that have been plaguing me since my diagnosis last year. Today I made it a job for me to find out what is going on. I've made my way up to taking 290 mg of Linzess a day and still deal with constipation unless I decide to have a fun day out. I always have to go to the bathroom anyway, throughout the day, whether or not I actually end up going. I started having lower right, dull pain halfway into my newfound constipation and was told the linzess would help. It didn't. Then we decided to try more. It helped for a week. I'm vaguely aware or trying to convince myself that drinking more water should help, because I'm supposed to with linzess or i risk becoming dehydrated, but its been hard to keep up with. + +TMI but, because I'm nervous and desire opinions, I must go on. My stools are pale and light a lot of the time. Yellow or white mucus covers some of it and half of it floats, half doesn't... Most times I go I bleed a little after, and this past time, quite a lot. A bright red glop of blood which just didn't seem right for what could've been a hemorrhoid or something else. I usually always feel some kind of discomfort or dull pain in my abdomen, across the lower side usually, and recently I even had a blood test taken that said my blood count was low. This may be because, for MS reasons, I'm trying to cut down on red meats and aren't getting enough iron... But it doesn't seem right. At all. All these symptoms line up. down to the anemia. I'm worried beyond compare of anything else before. Nothing from anyone helps, because they're just repeating their words before my MRI. I'm scared. I already panicked and cried, and called mom, and I'm going to tell my neurologist tomorrow to see what she has to offer in guidance. I can only hope I'm not this unlucky... getting two incredibly rare health problems for my age and form and everything else in the same damn year, even. + +I just don't even know where to start at dealing with this.",Anxiety +34048,"Student looking for information from mood tracking app users. Hello I’m an interaction design student looking to gather some information about mood tracking apps for a project. I’m looking to get a sense of the people that use them and their experiences. I hope you can spare a few minutes of your time to help me out. + +https://goo.gl/forms/LX5iR01zBYw6IO4H3",Anxiety +34050,"Health Anxiety is ruining my life. So it all started getting worse when about three weeks ago I accidentally got hit in the forehead with a soft car seat... I wasn't knocked out or anything, A & E said I had no serious injuries, no bruise etc. + +My Health Anxiety's like, ""Well how do you know you're fine, you should see a doctor again so that nothing new has come up."" + +I go to the doctor, I phone two different doctors and they tell me I don't have any signs of a serious head injury... I end up freaking out a few days later because of persistent headaches and feeling spaced out, so I go to the A & E again, a different doctor gives me a neurological examination and tells me I don't have any serious injuries and should be more concerned about my anxiety. + +Then out of nowhere one of my relatives has a heart attack and is in hospital (he's fine and well now) and I start to worry. A few days after visiting him, I'm at my boyfriend's house and lying in bed... I'm getting these headaches that have lasted about a week now as well as a sudden pain in my arm and chest, and become totally convinced that I'm having a heart attack or a stroke. It doesn't help that I was starving myself because I was so stressed out; I had lost half a stone in the space of a week. I thought that I was dying because I hadn't eaten and was having heart problems because of this. + +So now my HA brain thinks I've had a stroke twice without noticing or being diagnosed and that I have a damaged brain and that I also might have a brain tumour. + +I've not been able to smell or taste things as well since I got a minor bump on the forehead, but it's quite possibly the case that my anxiety is convincing me I have these symptoms... so I've remained in this constant heightened state of numbness because of my anxiety; believing that I have some sort of serious condition... I was even at an audiologist because I believed that a visit to the cinema had permanently damaged my hearing, everything was fine and he said I had no hearing damage... + +I go to the doctor again because of my severe anxiety; she tells me that all of my symptoms (headaches, ringing in ears, loss of sense of smell) are being caused by my anxiety. She prescribes me with propranolol... naturally I look up the side effects and become terrified to take the medication. + +Just today, I started getting a headache and was convinced I was taking a stroke again. I've became kind of emotionally numb now because I'm constantly ruminating about what could be wrong with me health-wise. I can't even enjoy things anymore because my HA goes, ""Well maybe you can't enjoy that or feel much emotions or think about that the same way as you did before because you have brain damage caused by an undiagnosed TBI or a stroke."" I can't pay attention to things. + +It doesn't matter what the doctors say, after a few hours I'm always convinced that they're wrong and that there's a serious problem with my brain and they haven't been able to find it yet. + +I'm so sick of this. Can anyone else relate? + +How do you convince yourself that there's nothing seriously wrong with you? ",Anxiety +52073,"Colon cramps after diarrhea? Hello! + +I’ve been dealing with bowel mouvements when facing a stressful event, which is, annoying but I deal with it. I rush to the toilets and I’m good. +I read that during a fight or flight episode, your body wants to removes its wastes. Be it. + +Problem is, a few hours later, I have to deal with severe cramps in my lower abdomen. I do not understand why I get that, and it’s pretty annoying since usually, the stressful events happen mid-day, and I get the cramps from 8pm to 5-6am. I can barely move, even breathing hurts. But I manage to fall asleep either way. + +Yesterday, I had to deal with that /again/, and it was much stronger than usual. I felt like someone was stabbing my lower left area, every 3-4 minutes. + +Anyways, I was wondering if anyone had had that before, what exactly happens inside that causes that, and if there’s anyway to either prevent or help with ot when I have it? +Hot water bottles and massages don’t work. 🥲 + +Thanks!",Anxiety +52449,Heart racing making me super anxious/panicky Anyone that can chat with me? My hearts been racing for a bit over some stress and it’s causing me pretty bad anxiety. 😓,Anxiety +52486,Can not sleep Have been having a terrible anxiety day thinking i’m feeling it in my chest. I’ve been having terrible health anxiety and it’s just making it work. What’s your best tips i feel like not sleeping is just making it worse.,Anxiety +52570,,Anxiety +35578,"I keep picking up infections In 8 months so far I had : +-2 big colds / flu +- 2 other colds/ sore throat +-trush +-an eye infection + + +What the heck? I'm 31,veggie, good diet +I don't exercise but I have an active job. Shall I be worried? (I mean I am as a perfect hypochondriac, but am I right to be?) +",Anxiety +52702,"I’m (29M) having bad anxiety in new relationship I (29M) started dating my girlfriend (24F) around 3 months ago. Almost a month ago we became officially boyfriend/girlfriend, and since then my anxiety has sky-rocketed. + +At the start I used to be pretty confident, always trusted her etc, but now I’m struggling. She has given me 0 reason not to trust her, but I’m always thinking worst case scenario. She is on her phone? Probably talking to another guy. She goes out with her friends? Probably cheating on me. Yesterday we were together in bed and I saw she was looking at some photos on her phone, and could see on the photo reel some pictures I didn’t recognize. The background was red, and that was everything I could actually see (I was without glasses). I immediately started thinking that those pictures are probably with a random guy, and that she is cheating on me. I mean, even if they were photos with someone else (which I don’t even know if they were photos of her/screenshots/ a random thing etc), she can have photos with friends without me thinking this. + +I know this is not healthy, and while I haven’t showed her my anxiety, I’m sure at some point I will mess up and she will probably start distancing herself. I mean, this reeks controlling behavior, right? I even had some issues with my bank that I thought she caused (not at all). This is my second relationship, my first was not great but my ex never cheated or anything, so I’m not sure what is causing this. Could it he that Im insecure? Or just don’t want to lose her? My gf is awesome and I really enjoy our relationship so far. She is attentive, shows interest, always makes time for us, cooks for me etc. I feel loved. + +It is worth noting that I almost screw everything up at the beginning, as I broke up with her before we were oficial for another girl. I realized my mistake shortly after and she accepted me back (after apologizing and having a deep conversation with her). I’m constantly thinking that I don’t deserver her after that, and that if I were her, who knows if I would have taken me back. Could this be part of it? + +TL:DR: I (29M) started dating my gf (24F) over 3 months ago. She has given me 0 reason to not trust her, but I’m constantly anxious thinking the worst (that she is talking with other people, cheating on me etc). This makes me fear I will eventually become very controlling. How can I address this?",Anxiety +255,umami mami mami this heart is restless,Anxiety +34067,"I'm really struggling I've suffered with Anxiety for about 5/6 years now, however in the last year my health anxiety has gotten extremely bad. +Everywhere hurts at different times or different days and I constantly think I'm going to die. Whether it be a pain in my chest, or a rash on my arm or even if I find a bump one somewhere. + +About a year and a half ago I started saying 'touch wood' if I or anyone else said something worrying that might happen. Eg if I said 'I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack' followed by me saying 'touch wood' and then touching something wooden. It made me feel secure, like it made it not true and it wouldn't happen once I said and touched it. + +However it then got extremely out of control to the point where any time I even thought about something happening to me I'd tap the side of my head twice (for some reason this was my new 'touch wood instead of trying to find something actually wooden) +I still say it sometimes, but if I only think of something terrible happening I won't say anything out loud but rather say it in my head and touch my temple twice. I know this sounds crazy weird but I literally can't go a day without doing it now. + +My health anxiety is so bad. I've been reading other posts and I relate to most of them which really stresses me out. I will always go to the worse case scenario and I can't stop. I'm constantly getting pains in my arm or numbness, shortness of breath, chest pains, headaches, shaking etc. I know/hope deep down its my anxiety but I can never calm myself down. + +To make it worse my boyfriend gets annoyed at me for 'constantly being sick' ie when I have headaches or even when I get a numb pain or something he usually tells me I'm over reacting which makes me more stressed and upset. + +Idk if this is even the right place to post and even posting it is making me super anxious. I just can't get a moment to relax. My whole life is revolving around my anxiety. Every single day I think of death and how this might be my last day etc. + +How do I stop this? I'm really losing my mind. + + + ",Anxiety +52188,Hospitals Anyone been in the mental hospital for just anxiety and depression? Like panic attacks. Thanks,Anxiety +35648,"Lump on back of neck? I’m a 16 yr old female and earlier today when I was brushing my hair, on the left side of my neck, in the back right at my hair line I brushed past something that sorta stung but I didn’t think anything of it, then today when I was washing my hair I felt it again and now I’m spiraling. To me it feels relatively small. When my neck is extended it feels harder but when I’m relaxed it doesn’t feel too hard. It feels under the skin. I had my sister look at it and she thinks it’s merely a pimple or something and my mom says I should update her in a well about it. But of course I googled it and now I’m unsure if I’ll be able to stop thinking about it ",Anxiety +35624,"Concussion worries I hit my head on a concrete wall last weekend and got a mild concussion (confirmed by doctor yesterday) I’ve been sitting letting myself heal at home, and was playing with my cat with one of his toy lightsabers. I held he tip as he played with the handle of it. I thought to myself while daydreaming “could you imagine if I hit myself in the head with this” and while in he daydream apparently my body acted this of and I hit myself in the head with the handle at it’s full length. Now I’m worried that I’ll cause serious damage because my doctor gave me a pamphlet to avoid head injuries after concussions because it can cause permanent damage. It wasn’t super hard but it was still a hit. I’ll just keep resting and try not to worry about it. ",Anxiety +107,Why are you restless and restless yo ”,Anxiety +34498,"Waking up with a dead limb and worrying I had a ministroke I woke up to pee in the middle of the night and when I stood up my lower body was involuntarily leaning to the left. It seemed like my left leg or knee had just given out, but I was still able to stand. After a couple minutes it went away and I was walking normally. I ended up going to the ER after speaking with a nurse. All blood tests came back normal and so did the physical tests. The doctor checked my eyes, walking, reflexes, etc. It's the next day and I can't help but feel like they missed something and that I could have possibly had a TIA (ministroke), which can be a warning sign for a stroke. I even told them I was feeling lightheaded the day before but I don't know what is just anxiety now. Still feeling out of it and being hyperaware of my body right now. Has anybody had a similar issue- either with this temporary paralysis situation or not feeling assured even after the doctor? + +TL;DR: Not trusting docs and worrying that a limp leg was ministroke",Anxiety +35633,Fast heart rate I was at a baseball game and felt my heart was racing a bit. I checked an my pulse was around 112. It’s almost 3 hours later and I’m still around 100. I’m normally around 80. Of course I’m freaking out thinking that I’m having a heart attack. No other symptoms to speak of other than just feeling incredibly anxious...which I know isn’t helping the heart rate. Any experience with racing heart and how to help it calm down? ,Anxiety +52740,"How can I forget someone? I had some trouble with some friends, and now, there are some things that remind me of them. How can I solve this?",Anxiety +52158,"I don't expect anyone to look at this soon, but it's always nice to see someone has... I just wanted to rant in a sort of way. I just got finished with my spring break. My mom was in hospital the entire time. My dad is due to have a surgery soon. And last semester two of my grandparents passed, one severely declined, and the others house is being sold after we spent about 2 months cleaning it and renovating it. I just don't feel like doing anything and my anxiety is such that my chest hurts and my body aches. So much has happened and I am trying so hard but it feels like my brain is my own worst enemy right now. I just want peace. I just want silence. I just want to sleep and not get up. I don't know how to help myself anymore. I am primary caretaker for my parents now and I am terrified. Any advice is nice. I am in college and work. I'm F22 and seeing the counselor at my college. It's just a lot at once and am struggling to even break the surface.",Anxiety +33915,"Health anxiety following stomach flu, anyone else? I have moderate to severe health anxiety especially when I’m sick, then it’s pretty severe. + +About 6 days ago I came down with a stomach virus and was violently puking and had water like diarrhea (sorry if TMI). By day 3 I was no longer feeling the nausea or diarrhea, but have a general sense of being unwell/dehydrated/drained. + +I feel as though my anxiety is playing a big factor because I can’t stop thinking about it and feel like I’m drained and depleted, which isn’t normal cause my energy is usually very high. + +Is it normal for constant worrying to drain you and wear you out physically??? ",Anxiety +52751,Marijuana vape cartridges Are all of these bad for anxiety or do you know of something that are good?,Anxiety +35484,"Shortness of breath that just won’t go away Age: 19 +Male +220lbs + + + +Just for some context, I’ve been feeling this constantly since December, and since October I’d say I’ve had pretty bad health anxiety after finding multiple lumps under my skin. In November I went to a dermatologist to get them all checked out and the dermatologist said they were all lipomas and nothing to worry about, but health anxiety forgets about that after a week and ever since then I’ve been scared of the potential of those lumps being sarcoma cancer. I’m not sure if this is what is causing my shortness of breath, as the shortness of breath never goes away, it’s there 24/7. Yesterday I went to a walk in clinic to get examined for my shortness of breath and the doctor noticed a slight wheeze which sent me into a spiral of health anxiety as, me thinking I have sarcoma, I thought it might’ve spread to the lungs or something. Anyways he does some tests to see the power of my exhale (don’t remember what it’s called) and then gives me abeuterol and tries the text again. I got the same results, but he said when he checked my breathing after the wheeze was gone. So, in short, is this shortness of breath from anxiety, or could it be a very minor case of asthma? The doctor also got a chest X-ray done and said everything looked normal. + +",Anxiety +35117,"My IUD & HA Hi all, I just wanted to put this story out there if any women are experiencing something similar. + +&#x200B; + +5 1/2 years ago, I got a non-hormonal IUD put in (Paragard). Shortly after, my anxiety skyrocketed, and my spiral of hospital and doctor visits revolving around my HA started. I wondered if my IUD was triggering it, and I even went to my OB to get it taken out to which she scoffed at me and told me there was NO way my IUD was exacerbating my anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +FF to May of last year, and I get my IUD out. I go on a trip immediately afterwards, and my anxiety is high still because of travel. I get back and BOOM. My anxiety is down to a 2-4/10 verses the 6-9/10 that it had been for almost 6 years. + +&#x200B; + +I'm not saying go get your IUD ripped out, but just a reminder to be your own advocate and trust the way you feel. Just because ""no one"" has had those side effects to a medication/implant doesn't mean it's not happening.",Anxiety +52936,,Anxiety +34107,"Deep scratch from unvaccinated cat Hey, so last night I got a deep scratch from a cat on my thumb. It was bleeding quite a bit until I cleaned it up and bandaged it. + +The cat was born to a stray mother at my friend's parents store and was adopted by my friend as a kitten. It hasn't been vaccinated and is about 6 months-1 year old. My friend and his family have been scratched quite a bit by the cat as well (but not as of late). It's a house cat and rarely ever leaves the house. + +I keep looking up various diseases I could be exposed too (cat scratch disease, rabies, etc). The wound itself looks fine thankfully (been over 12hrs). Should I be worried about anything? Any symptoms I should look out for? I want to ease my mind and stop worrying but I can't seem to.. + + +",Anxiety +35811,"Hepatitis b test result? I recently took a blood test and my result for hepatitis b was indeterminate. Is there a chance that I don’t have it? If I got vaccinated as a child, what are my chances of getting it?",Anxiety +382,Why am I nervous,Anxiety +75,"From now on, it's not really good, being restless is tired by nature",Anxiety +52991,"Staying at home vs going out I haven’t seen my friends in a while, and I don’t have much money since I’m not working at the moment but I figured I’m young and can go out to eat something every now and then. But now I’m just….I’m not sure how to even put in into words but nervous? I’m nervous/scared of leaving my home and it was so sudden. I’ve got like two hours to decide but I don’t know why I’m feeling this way? I’m scared something happening to my mom while I’m out",Anxiety +51956,"I am feeling anxious about a new coworker. (TW: Past experience with a stalker briefly mentioned) I'm sorry, but this is a long one. It's a bit of a weird story but I'm hoping that someone might be able to give me advice on what to do. Just over a month ago, I (female, cashier) got a new coworker (male, bagger) at the grocery store I work at. It took a while before we had a conversation together; he was helping me and asked me what kind of music I like. I was honest, and said that I like most genres and that I sometimes enjoyed listening to 20s and 30s jazz music. Then he just kept talking about old music at me for the next few days and seemed to always be distracted when it came to work. I don't like to talk much while I'm working because I feel like I mess up more when I do. So I began to feel anxious about being around him since I didn't know how to tell him I didn't want the conversation to continue every time we saw each other. + +Then, a few days ago, he randomly asked me for my number in front of a bunch of customers while we were supposed to be working. I had a bad experience the last time I gave my number out to someone (the guy turned out to be a stalker who harassed me for weeks and told everyone that we were in a relationship when we weren't, wouldn't stop calling me, tried to turn me against my family, etc.) and I immediately felt freaked out about why this guy would want my number when we don't know each other at all. It felt really inappropriate and unprofessional to me. I told him that we were busy and shouldn't be having that conversation right then (mainly because I didn't know how to say no in the moment) and that we could talk when we were done helping customers. But he continued to ask me repeatedly for throughout the next hour or so. He ended up writing his number down at some point and gave it to me, telling me when he was off that day and to immediately text him my number when he was off (this is while I was talking to a customer). Once we were done with all of the customers, I told him the truth: that I didn't want to give him my number and how I had had bad experiences in the past that started with giving my number to a guy I barely knew. He seemed to understand and then avoided me the rest of the day. So I thought everything was going to be fine. + +However, the next day, I started noticing that he seemed to be getting more clingy with me. He wouldn't be focused on doing his job and would stick around me as much as possible. He has a habit of sticking to my register instead of helping other cashiers like he's supposed to; he also seems to get bothered if another bagger is helping me and he tries to take over bagging for me immediately. I often notice him watching me from across the room. Every conversation we have is awkward. I don't initiate them because I want him to leave me alone so I can work. When he's not talking to me, it seems like he isn't really talking to our other coworkers that much. + +But then, the other day, I had a bit of a scary experience. I was going on break and went to our break room. He was in there and had headphones in, so I didn't think he saw me. After a few minutes, I went to the bathroom across the hall. When I came out a few minutes later, the room was empty. I suddenly hear loud footsteps running down the hall and he barges into the room, half-yelling my name just to show me a song from the 1800s for some reason. I'm worried that he might have been waiting outside the bathroom for me, which makes me kind of scared to be at work right now. I don't like being alone with him. Today, I spent the majority of my breaks hiding in the bathroom, worried he might bother me if I went anywhere else. + +I know that the anxiety I feel isn't healthy, and I can't tell if I'm just paranoid from past experience or if there really could be a real issue here. I don't know if I should talk to him, a manager, or HR about this. I thought that maybe I should just say nothing and act less nice to him and see if he leaves me alone, but I'm worried that it could just make things worse. I could really use some advice if anyone has some. Because I really can't tell if he's just trying to be friendly and doesn't realize he's making me uncomfortable or if there is something potentially more creepy going on.",Anxiety +52663,"Feeling so overwhelmed with my reoccuring thoughts all day I keep thinking of this one social interaction i had today and my mind is never leaving it. Im so tired,",Anxiety +35334,"Lumps on neck and head now. Okay so first of all thank you for reading this, I am struggling with bad anxiety right now. + +I have had two lumps on the side of my neck for 2 years now and have been told in the past by a doctor that they were nothing. I was put on antibiotics (which didn't seem to help) and sent away. I recently had them checked out again and the doctor ordered an ultrasound (which I have yet to go to) to make sure they weren't cancer. I have zero symptoms otherwise. + + Fast forward to now I have a larger lump on the back left side of my scalp. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a cyst but the anxious pattern seeking side of me is having a hard time time letting it go. It's larger than the other two and is hard and hurts a little when I apply pressure. + +There are a few causes I can think of + +1. It's just a cyst, and completely unrelated to my other two swollen lymph nodes. My fathet has a history of cysts, which may account for mine. + +2. I'm pretty sure I remember hitting my head on something about a week ago, so it could just be a bruise of sorts. (memory isn't clear) + +3. Cancer. I'm gonna die, hit the panic button, ect... + +4. I recently have been having allergies or a cold which could be due to an infection which could be making my lymph nodes react. + + +This is the way my anxious mind sees it: I must have cancer because there is now a third lump to add on the other two I've had for years. I've left it untreated for so long that I'm scared to even go to a doctor. Now it must be spreading to my brain which would probably make it inoperable. I will get brain cancer and die at 19 due to my lack of action. + +I'm honestly having trouble deciphering hypochondria from reality. + +I'm hoping someone besides myself could make a determination as to whether or not I'm blowing this out of proportion. Thank you. + + +I'm also worried that in trying to niaevely make myself feel better by posting this. ",Anxiety +53038,"Nobody takes me seriously I’ve (24M) dealt with depression/anxiety for years now. I used to be great with people, make good money, have the nice cars, great girlfriend, supportive parents, friends that I could say looked up to me etc. and then I was diagnosed with depression. Within about a year, I quit my job, lost my girlfriend even though she was great to me, and have yet to keep a stable job for more than a month at a time. + +My depression eventually was ruled to be “treatment resistant” after being on a number of meds and trying many other things. Some would work for a couple months and then I’d fall even further back from where I was. + +But now, after not having worked since early July of 2022, I am dealing with extensive and scary brain fog. I’ve incorporated working out, eating healthier, taking supplements and just trying to live a healthier lifestyle as I figured this was coming from a bad diet my whole life. I also got all blood work done including thyroid, basics, vitamin levels, testosterone etc and everything came back normal other than pretty high cholesterol. Both doctors I’ve seen (general practitioner, psychiatrist) has kinda blown me off when I tell them about the brain fog. Almost like they don’t really know what to say or what the next step should be to ruling out causes. + +I’m so scared as I’m feeling like I’m going crazy or have dementia. My parents are usually very supportive when I’m going through stuff but my mom doesn’t even want to hear me talk about it and my dad isn’t always around as he lives about 45 mins away. I ended up packing some things and driving to his house tonight without saying anything to my mom. I just hate feeling alone and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m at the end of my road",Anxiety +34021,"Fucking amoeba again I'm in Egypt and, while taking a shower, I managed to inhale a small droplet of water up my nose. I didn't feel it, but I'm sure it went up there because I sniffed very hard and the ends of my hair, beaded with water droplets, were dangling right in front of my nostrils. I looked it up (why did I do that) and apparently the tap water here is full of that fucking amoeba that eats your brains. Now I've got the 15 day incubation period to endure, knowing that every twinge in my head could signal my doom. Fuck my life. + +Worst of it is, one of the first symptoms of the amoeba is ""alterations to taste or smell""... I have a cold... which also causes that. And can cause headaches too. And sometimes even fever. Fuuuuuuck.",Anxiety +33924,"Skin cancer scare, any advice? I got this red mark on my face in december randomly, just saw it in the mirror one day. It hasn't gone away even though I tried cortison salves and stuff. + +It's light pink/red colored, like if you put pressure on the skin for a while. It's relatively even but have these really tiny ""bumps"" in it and it's under one of my eyes. I'm 28. Live in Scandinavia so no excessive sun... + +Please help, is it cancer?",Anxiety +188,"I was a little worried that the afternoon class would actually be able to reach the target. But God just gave a way, wednesday class was moved even though it was a quiz. At least later in the morning you can make out with data until iftar",Anxiety +52899,"Amoxicillin 500mg, missed two days Hi guys, so i was prescribed amoxicillin 500mg for my throat because the doc believed i had strep throat. I took my medication like it was instructed, 3 times a day for 10 days, but forgot to take it for 2 days. Now i am having a mild sore throat, is it too late to take it, or should i continue to take it, wiill it still work?",Anxiety +329,"Every time I hear that my friend wants to go to trial, I like to be nervous, it's not clear, I need to hurry to clean it too, but if I'm in a hurry because I see people are afraid, it's not really right :( wkwkwk",Anxiety +589,"Damn, I can't calm down since earlier. I'm really nervous",Anxiety +89,It's so restless work,Anxiety +51879,"Asked my parents (who I don't live with) for an extra 10 or so a week spending money and they've turned it into a big thing I am currently under an intense care plan as an outpatient at a mental health hospital. One of the nurses suggested asking for an extra amount of allowance. 'well off' (but not rich) parents completely fund me while I'm at university as my loan is less than my rent. + +I was debating asking for weeks, me and my parents have had a strained relationship in the past to say the least, some definitely their fault, some a mix of both of our faults. Anyway, it's left a gap between us that I haven't been brave enough to cross. + +But last night I asked them, told them I wasn't struggling with the current allowance it would purely be for an extra nice thing a week to help me get by during these times. IMO they've blown it way out of proportion, they wanted a phone call today to log all my spending and now they're wanting to come and visit me TODAY. It's sending my anxiety haywire this is why I don't open up or ask anything from my parents. + +What do I do? Say no to them visiting all together? I'm 100% fine with keeping the current allowance, I just want a yes or a no to have some closure on this conversation with my parents. + +So, I'll repeat my question: (with your limited knowledge of my life) What do I do??",Anxiety +34740,"I coughed too hard and strained my forehead and face, anxious about getting an aneurysm? I’m sick with a cold for the past 2 days, with a sore throat, clogged up nose, and a continuous cough. A few minutes ago, I had phlegm stuck in my throat (gross I know), so I tried to get it out by coughing it up, I kept coughing until I coughed too hard, and I could feel my whole face and head strain from it. I stopped and I still feel pressure all around. Should I be concerned? Is it going to damage my nerves or even give me something like a stroke or aneurysm?",Anxiety +297,"The restlessness that hit, really disturbs the atmosphere",Anxiety +35844,"What would you do here? Throwaway becuase my family knows my account... + +For some time now I observed 'symptoms' that my mother is showing which make me really afraid that she might have cancer. She is 50 years old and recently started complaining about one sided back pain (she did a lot of physical labor all her live but still concerning), having to urinate more often and feeling full sooner. Ever since my own Doc informed me about the risks of ovarian cancer I can't get it out of my head. + +I made her see the doctor but she just went for a normal checkup instead of asking for an ultrasound. They did take a blood sample but that is hardly enough to rule this out right? + +I really want to let this go because right now it will be impossible to make her go again and I got enough else to worry about. On the other hand if I am right and stop pushing her it will be my fault it wasn't found early enough... + +The hell do I do now?",Anxiety +34448,"Long time HA resurfacing (lymph nodes) help appreciated Hi. I am a 19 yo male and I have suffered from health anxiety for almost 7 years now. It has been better recently since i went to therapy and started to excercise more. +About two months ago my parents got divorced, and recenty things haven't been too good within the family. I noticed slight pain in my stomach about three weeks ago and haven't got rid of this creeping feeling of anxiety since. +So, today at work I go normally to the restroom and strech my groin since ot was feeling a bit stiff. While feeling the groin with my hand I notice a bump and freak out completely. It's about 2cm long and quite narrow. +My first thought is obviously lymphoma. I mean how could it not be... I haven't been sick since the first week of January so it can't have swollen on it's own right?? Then I connect the weird feelings in my stomach during the last three weeks to the bump and the anxiety is back all guns blazing. +How do I move on from here? + +Tl;dr/summary +185cm tall and 65kg, skinny. Noticed a new bump in my left groin, it does not hurt but is quite hard and about 2cm long and narrow. I have previously noticed two other lymph nodes one in each groin and they feel similar but slightly larger. The only reason why I think its a swollen lymph node is because I haven't noticed it earlier (I dont check my groins very often). + +Edit. I think its important to note that I started a new job in a warehouse two weeks ago. I lift boxes, stand and walk the whole day so my muscles are very tense all the time. Could this have something to do with the bump",Anxiety +442,"Don't worry too much, your story is written by the best screenwriter",Anxiety +72,"Day by day, that hope grows, the closer I feel, the more I expect from you, and sometimes I get anxious because of it. To the point that I became worried, worried that it would disturb my hopes. Especially disturbing km.",Anxiety +35820,"Failed driving test & I think I have a terrible disease or cancer My health anxiety had gotten better, but since February I thought I had lymphoma (skin itching for no reason, no rash), which then turned to thinking I had ovarian or colon cancer (constipation/tenesmus, heartburn, and bloating). Then today I woke up feeling how you feel when you have the cold/flu (lots of fatigue, body aches, headache, maybe slight fever, not sure?) +Also my period started, so I’m feeling extra crappy. And to top it all off, I failed my drivers test for the 2nd time. +I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I don’t even know where to start. Or if I should just ask to be referred to a therapist. +I guess i just needed to put it all into words. I just want to go to sleep and wake up somewhere different, living a different life. My life is shitty (for other reasons not posted here)",Anxiety +457,confused and restless. This heart seems to die. When you change,Anxiety +34860,"Lump in back? On one side of my back (lower, left side) I’ve noticed if I take my fingers and dig them in and slide them upward I can feel this little like... hump, I guess? Like it’s no a solid knot and it doesn’t stick out from my skin at all, I would have never found it. It freaks me out because I don’t have one on the other side. + +I’ve had two other people feel for me and they swear they don’t feel anything. I have a stretch mark literally right above it, but this feels like it’s under the skin. I have to really search for it to find it. + +I’m 18 and make if that helps, I really just posted because if look up anything about a back hump it gives you things like a sarcoma or bone cancer or something 😩I been feeling my back so constantly that it’s making it sore which just freaks me out more. I would go to the doctor but I literally just went for something else not even a week ago and she already thinks I’m a bit overboard on the HA stuff 😂 plus apparently nobody else can feel anything 🤷‍♂️ + +I just wondered if anybody else has this? +",Anxiety +34353,"Facial weakness scare I'm usually a lurker on this subreddit and I come visit only when I have a minor disease fear. This time, one thing really got me. I just realised that I can't move the lower-right half of my face as good as the lower-left one. I don't want to exaggerate it, all the muscles are responding, but it looks like the left ones are just doing their job better. A part of me doesn't really care about this and would probably laugh about this situation as I'm under 25, but the other part thinks this is a sign of cancer or MS and this is the beginning of the end. I hate HA.",Anxiety +34215,"I need a little help. My first post and for some reason the first time opening up about my own internal struggle. Hey guys, I’ve been struggling with anxiety for the better part of 7 years. I’ve always been able to keep it under control but after having a near death experience in my teens, my anxious nature has been directed towards my health. For the past 9 months I’ve been experience various symptoms, consisting of brain fog, muscle twitches all over my body. sharp nerve pain that seems to come and go affecting everything from my legs, to my wrist and fingers. muscle buzzing (primarily in the feet, feels like a cell phone going off under my foot). This worry of ether a neurological disease or a serious infection such as Lyme seems to dominate most of my days. I constantly make the mistake of self diagnosing using discussion posts of users (on various sites) with similar issues and I realize it’s a recipe for unhappiness. This type of worry feels at times like an addiction that I simply cannot stop coming back to. + +I live an incredibly charmed life with an amazing family and incredible fiancé. And I realize I’m not hard done by in the traditional sense. + +But this anxiety surrounding my health is something I’m desperate to manage but more importantly be done with. + +Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, and THANK YOU so much for taking the time out of your day to read this. + +",Anxiety +52775,"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'm going. By tomorrow night, I (21 y/o UK university student) have to email my dissertation supervisor a draft of what I have written so far; the deadline is in May and he wants to give me some feedback before the upcoming Easter break. But the problem is that I haven't written anything. At all. I've collated dozens of pages of general notes, vague ideas and research over the last few months, but I don't have a clue what to do with it, or where to start. + +I've written probably hundreds of assessments and essays in my life, and until a few weeks ago, I had not failed a single one of them. But a few weeks ago, my motivation, self-belief and general ability to work (which were all low to begin with anyway) just stopped altogether. I had deadlines for two course module assessments within a week of each other, and I missed both of them. For one of the first times in my education, I had not only failed with work, but I had failed to even complete the work. I missed the first one because I had zero interest in, knowledge of or care for the subject, because I kept procrastinating, and because it's possible that I have ADHD (I don't want to know about this, but I think I have it). I missed the second one because of the same reasons, and because I failed the first one, so it didn’t make a difference if I missed the second one. + +Since I got the email last week from my supervisor that I have to send him whatever I've been working on by tomorrow (Tuesday), I've not only not been working on the dissertation, but I've detached myself from it almost completely. I don’t like thinking about it. I keep distracting myself from it (literally and mentally) because I don't want to do it. The subject itself interests me (it was my choice after all) and i’ve done a lot of research (too much I think) and every time I ever doubt my work ability like this (which is every time i’ve ever done an assessment in my three years at university) it usually turns out alright, but I can't see how this one — of course, the most important one — will end in anything other than failure. So I’ve come all this way — from the start of uni three years ago, from the start of reception 17 years ago — and I've always, at the very least, managed to succeed. But now of all times is when it stops. + +I’m aware that every student who has ever tried to write a university thesis has had these doubts at some time, or a lot of the time. But that makes me feel all the more incapable. Because those students have all, and will all, get through it, and I know that I won't. I look around the university library that I'm currently writing this in, and all I see is people working; they’re focused, self-disciplined, and content to be here. But I’m not one of them. I know that I don’t belong here, and I don’t like it here. I really don't like coming here. But I come here nevertheless. I'm sitting here wasting more time on something that I don't have to do, that I shouldn't be doing, but I'm doing nevertheless. Because I think a part of me actually wants to fail. I don't know why anyone would want that, especially me; I've always feared failure — the confirmation of it by my university and parents; the consequences of it practically and emotionally — and that's what’s driven me to always succeed with my work in education. I've only ever done that work because I fear the consequences of not doing it. I do it because I have to, never because I wanted to. I've always been like this. + +So why am I here then? If you never enjoyed school or college (which i didn't) then why did you actively decide to go to university? Hmm. Maybe because I thought I had to (not because I wanted to pursue a career — I have absolutely no ambition at all). And it was partly because the idea of getting a job after I left college at 18 seemed completely impossible (I've suffered from social anxiety for most of my life; the basics of social interaction are overwhelming to me). But mostly, it was because I didn't think any of it through. I didn't want to think it through at all. My parents thought I could maybe go to this university, so I just said okay. I didn't even look into the university at all, and I didn't consider any others. The reason that I do this is because I hate thinking about the future — short, medium and long term. Whenever people ask me about the future, whether it’s “where do you see yourself in five years”, “what do you want to do with your life"" or even simply “do you have any plans for the weekend”, I’ve always given vague non-answers. I've been like this forever. Probably because I’ve been bombarded with these questions from career advisors since Year 1. But it's also because the future is too uncertain and complicated. It scares me to think about the future in any sort of way. So I don't. And now I'm paying the price. And the future gets closer every day. And I wish I could go back in time, maybe to live things differently, maybe to live them the same. I think about the past (my childhood especially) every day. And every single night I dream about the past too. The other day I had one about the last day of Year 11. I’ve had hundreds like it, all about the last day of secondary school. The thing that haunts me about it is the fact that I don’t remember what happened. All I remember is that I never saw any of my peers again after that day. Because I made the conscious decision to leave them, and go to a different college. Every single dream I have involves my old school friends. Every one. + +In case it isn't clear, my recent doubts over starting (let alone completing, or succeeding with) my dissertation are related to so many other things that I have consciously, often deliberately bottled up over the years (and it is years). I know how unhealthy and dangerous it is to do this, but I do it anyway because it's easier, and because it's been the default way of accepting, contemplating and processing my emotions for as long as I can remember. I've never had the desire to tell anyone (including family) about my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings, fears and insecurities, because…well…where to start? Fear of judgement, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being understood, fear of the literal and emotional consequences on myself and on my relationships; the fact that emotions were and are are never discussed in my family, or in the few social circles I used to have (note: haven't had friends for five years). I bottle all of this up. And I'll continue to. But it feels like the bottle is starting to overflow. + +If anyone has read this far, you might as well consider yourself the first person who has ever heard anything that is even remotely as private as what I've just revealed in these last few paragraphs. And if you've read this far — and if you are a healthy, ‘normal’ person — you will have obviously thought to yourself, “Yeah, he needs therapy”. But I don't think I do, and I certainly don't want to. There’s a small part of me that desires to let it all out (I could write a book about all of my problems), but I know that would be a terrifying and draining experience, even if it leads to something better. And the desire certainly isn't big enough for me to have serious thoughts about seeking help…from anyone in fact. I think that’s the bottom-line: regardless of whether I need help, or guidance, or advice, or support, or sympathy, I don't think I want it. Not enough, anyway. I think I’d hate myself for seeking it out because I'd feel like a desperately sad narcissist. I know I'm pathetic, dumb, probably annoying, an embarrassment, a failure, a waste of space, time, money and effort, but I don’t think I'm a narcissist. And I know that people who seek help aren't narcissistic, but I would think that I am if I did. So I don't. And I've never sought help from anyone. Not only the serious, personal stuff, but the little, trivial, specific things too. Is it because of a deep-rooted social anxiety, and my complete lack of social confidence, ability and experience? Yes. But like with my other anxieties that I probably ‘need’ help with — health anxiety, fear of the future, fear of the passage of time, the fear of failure, the fear of work, the fear of my dissertation — I don't care about help, or support, or self-improvement. I don’t want any of it because I think it won’t work for me, or that it doesn't apply to me. I don’t want to be helped. And yet here I am writing this.",Anxiety +35475,"Reiki I, II, III ART & III Teacher Qualification SPECIAL Offer [Reiki I, II, III ART & III Teacher Qualification](https://twitter.com/backe_f/status/1098190134594306050) 95% off + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +52592,"Constant anxiety and have lost feelings for partner? Okay so there's a lot for me to go through here, and I have to apologise as it is hard for me to explain things as it's hard for me to even understand what's going on in my brain! + +I've been with my partner now coming up to 2 years in May, wonderful healthy relationship where there are no issues whatsoever, I'll preface this by saying I have struggled with mental health on and off throughout my life, mainly being anxiety so I have been on Fluoxetine (anti depressants) for the last 2 years, this has been great for me and has helped me to regulate my emotions and feelings quite well and to what I believe has helped my relationship with my partner to flourish and I have felt genuinely happy. + +Anyway, cutting to now... Since the very (very) start of the year, just after new years... (obviously) I noticed a lot of anxiety... although it may of been creeping in a few weeks before, It was as though now I felt it full blast, and my inner voice kept telling me that my boyfriend was interested in someone else, and I was then getting strong feelings of them cheating although there was no indication of this, I think on new years eve I had noticed my boyfriend getting on well with his mates and watching one of his friends who is a girl sing (he's a musician and i know the following sounds daft, believe me) so the next day I kept getting intrusive thoughts of that moment and feeling very sensitive around it, as I'm quite insecure and never sing and I know my boyfriend would love it if I came out my shell more in that way (although he's always telling me how perfect I am) It kept going through my mind that he should be with someone like that... + +fast forward a few days, I'm still feeling VERY on edge and feel incredibly anxious when my boyfriend isn't really showing me that much affection, or is in his room for long periods of time... I get very panicky and can't seem to calm myself until I go upstairs to see what he's up to, if he's just sat there on his phone with his door shut I assume that he's not wanting to be with me (even though I think having our own space is healthy and have never had an issue with it before) after seeing him just sat there I'll get incredibly upset and more anxious and feel very emotional, may even start crying and it's difficult to stop, I suddenly view my boyfriend very differently? + +I'll also mention now that I was never like this at any other point of our relationship, I just started feeling this intense anxiety since new years, also I'll mention that I'm a very sensitive person and feel as though I pick up on other peoples emotions very easily and that I do that a lot with my boyfriend if he is feeling down about himself etc, I also feel these emotions. + +As the days went on I stopped getting these anxious feelings when he wasn't always around, but still felt bad anxiety and feeling depression creeping in, as the days progressed I noticed myself becoming more sensitive to things and even hyperaware? (think that's the word) which would cause more anxiety for me, my boyfriend may say something and I would take it in a negative way and feel offended by it and it would cause a lot of hurt and then anxiety is even worse... I would have a lot of moments of just emotional outbursts of crying and finding it difficult to stop just feeling very overwhelmed and so uncomfortable in how i'm feeling, even gagging from what felt like stress and not being able to eat (I'm feeling this pretty much everyday) + +the past month and a bit I've been having internal thoughts such as ""I don't love you"" and other horrible things directed at my boyfriend which cause me so much anxiety and even more stress as I try to convince myself they are just thoughts and not real, having suddenly no feelings towards him? getting irritated at little things but still feeling intensely sad over the thought of him with someone else, this person is perfect in my eyes and I love all the things about them that are considered imperfections, where have my feelings gone? It's been over a month and I'm scared they won't return because I know this relationship when I'm not feeling this way, is so good for me and has been the best thing for my life. + +I'll quickly mention that I'm 23 now and had a relationship when I was 14 that brought a lot of the very same feelings up but this happened very early on in the relationship (a month or so) with much breaking up and getting back together due to my anxiety and depression. + +I'm sorry for the essay but it's really hard to fit everything in, but this is just the summary of it... + +Please can I get real responses with this, I really want to make this relationship work and stop this anxiety and emotional stress and be able to feel these feelings again for my partner... I'd hate to think that it's over now.",Anxiety +83,"If my friends have replied to my tweet that has an opinion, I'm worried",Anxiety +34684,"uncertainty and evaluating risk interesting editorial on health, risks, diagnoses, etc. + +https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/17/upshot/were-bad-at-evaluating-risk-how-doctors-can-help.html + +",Anxiety +34249,Losing it at work All this week I’ve had pressure in my head and behind my eye and tinnitus and a sore neck. I’m so scared it’s a brain tumor and I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so irritable and stressed out! I made a dr appt for later today but I’m worried they will be dismissive and not take me seriously. I hate this so much.,Anxiety +301,"It seems like I'm really at the anxiety stage every time I open WhatsApp. It feels really anxious, scared, nervous, feeling guilty, feeling useless. I want to disappear, but discussing assignments and exhibitions there, all of them...",Anxiety +33949,"Trying a new way of thinking. My day normally looks something like this... +Oh man I'm dizzy. I wonder what that means. Any my left arm is weak. Is that a heart attack? Maybe a symptom of a small heart attack? Where did I get that bruse on my knee? Is that a sign of a blood clot? Should I go to the doctor again? Last time he told me to stop worrying about stuff like this. Is that a lump I'm the back of my head? Maybe that's what's causing my head ache... But what is the lump is another sign of a problem? Should I start documenting this? The doctor thinks I'm crazy but if I have all the symptoms with the times I had them he could surly run more tests. A friend I knew died for a blood clot that the doctors missed maybe my doctor missed something... etc + +Recently, I started asking my friends that don't have anxiety how they deal with strange feelings in their body. Every single one of them says that they almost immediately dismiss the thought. I can't even imagine what that feels like. I focus on a part of my body so much sometimes that I actually create pain that doesn't exist. So I dug a little bit deeper and asked what happens if they were walking around one day and all of a sudden they noticed that their left arm was weak and tingly. Most of my friends with without anxiety said the same thing. I guess my arm is weak today. And then that's it. If they have a headache or if they have a chest pain or if they have an upset stomach or if their leg hurts out of nowhere they just shrug it off and think oh I guess today I'm going to have a stomach ache or I guess I'm coming down with something or something to that nature. And then if it still hurts the next day they shrug it off again and only when it's continuing to do it for like a week do they actually think I'll maybe I should go to the doctor and have it looked at. But it's not in a panicky kind of way it's just kind of like almost annoyance. + +So I'm going to try that method. ""Oh I guess I have a headache today"". And try to leave it at that. If it lasts a week, all the talk to my doctor. + +Has anyone had success doing something like this? Like just changing the way you thought?",Anxiety +34030,"Anyone take medication for health anxiety? My health anxiety has become all consuming and I'm considering giving in and taking meds for it but I'm really worried about the side effects and not being able to drink, smoke weed or have good sex. Also afraid of weight gain...anyone have any advice or know of a good med to treat the ocd compulsions and over thinking about my health?",Anxiety +52143,"Finally told someone I was tired of her bullshit after a couple years and I feel bad This girl was cool when I first met her. But then she started being really annoying and I didn’t feel like being her friend anymore. I would tell her something she didn’t agree with and then at 1 am she’d send these blocks of texts saying she hated herself and that I was selfish and didn’t really care for her etc. Sometimes I just stop texting my friends for personal reasons and go a few days without replying. This was never a problem for my long-term friends, but apparently it was for her. I had to step on eggshells to talk to her and I didn’t like it. + +if anyone wants more context let me know, but in short I just didn’t want this person in my life anymore. + +I always knew she needed help so that’s why instead of telling her to fuck off like some people suggested I did, I would just let her know when I didn’t like something she said/did but not be mean about it. She would apologize for overreacting, I’d forgive her. But then she would act the same way. Today I told her I was tired of her bs and that she could block me if she wants to, just stop texting me. I blocked her. + +It felt awesome at the moment but now I feel like an asshole. I don’t regret it, but I never said anything similar to anyone. My heart was beating fast the whole time. Should I feel bad for telling the truth? + +This girl has a history of self-harm and overdosing so I’m afraid I’ll be responsible if she ends up doing something to herself. But I couldn’t take this anymore.",Anxiety +35533,"this is just a post to make everyone laugh and realize how much anxiety really fucks with all of us my health anxiety has been bad for years, every week there's something new i think i have wrong with me. last night i convinced myself i have herpes ( i haven't had sex in 2 months but i read online u could have it for weeks, months, & year's before an outbreak) i was hysterically crying to my mom and when i went to go show her my (bump) she laughed at me and told me it was just vagina tissue and no where near herpe sores... i love being this way:-)))))) oh and let me not forget to mention 2 hours after that my anxiety got bad and i convinced myself i was going to have a heart attack because i was getting random pains in my right arm and felt nauseous from my new meds lmao ",Anxiety +52545,"Dizziness help? How to get rid of dizziness when out of the house? + +It feels really weird and I get afraid that I’ll pass out",Anxiety +397,Why is this guy so restless,Anxiety +34449,"Hard lymph nodes on mastoid bone and back of neck. Hello Reddit. + +Im a 28/male/6'7/200lbs. + +For months now I've had two rock hard lymph nodes behind my ear on the mastoid bone. On top of that I've had one right next to my spine on the back of my neck, right around my hairline. I've been having some neck pain and headaches non stop for three months. I've also noticed I have some brownish skin spots in my hairline. I've also noticed if I dig my fingers down in my skin near the node in my neck, it feels like I can grab this round lump. + +I've been to the doctors and they brushed it off. they assured me its not cancer,is or anything like that. They me on some antibiotics a few months ago and it did nothing. They're not red, or painful. They're hard and kind of fixed in place. They aren't growing either. They've been the same size the whole time. + +I get this is a long shot, but I'm not sure what to do. Could the ones behind my ear be rock hard because it's right on the mastoid bone?",Anxiety +610,"wake up so restless, why is that",Anxiety +34925,"Have diverticulitis, now anxiety? I was diagnosed with diverticulitis in September. Unfortunately, the infection spread through a hernia in my groin area and I developed an abscess in my groin. I was hospitalized for ten days for treatment. Last time I had been to the hospital was at birth 38 years before, so this was a shock. I wasn't treated poorly or anything, just being away from my family, from work, from life, seemed to get me down. I have a five year old and I face time'd with her while in the ER the first night and you could see the fear in her eyes. She had only been in the hospital prior to visit great aunts, who would go on to pass away. The look on her face is seared in my head and basically impossible to shake. A fearful look because I'm sure she thought, when I see people in the hospital, I some times don't see them much longer after that. + +It was a bit of a tough recovery, every ache, spasm, etc sent me into a panic. Feeling my groin to see if I could feel a bulge from a returning abscess. Pressing my lower abdomen to see if I was in pain from a recurrence of diverticulitis. Sleepless night staring at my phone on healthline or Mayo Clinic. Recently, I started having this bubble sensation in the sternum area near my chest, it would come out of nowhere and almost ""pop"" and be gone. No rapid heartbeat, blood pressure normal, but the more I worried, the more they'd come along, mostly all at night, when my mind has more opportunity to wander. One night was so bad I did go to the ER, they hooked me to an EKG, did a chest xray, blood tests. Nothing really, no heart attack. Was home in bed within a few hours. + +My PCP suggested a holter monitor EKG which I wore for a day this week. No results yet as the doctor has been out, but I'm guessing if it was anything truly pressing I'd have known by now. I think folks here understand my predicament and I just needed to say it out loud to someone other than my wife. She herself has had anxiety issues in the past and says it's probably a post traumatic anxiety. + +Are these types of sensations normal for those of you who might struggle with health related anxiety? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +52413,"any tips for bad anxiety stomach? i’m really anxious about something right now, and i was up all night feeling super sick, i was sick a few times too. usually my anxiety stomach pains last for 1-2 hours. but it’s been 17 hours. and i don’t know how to calm it down. i don’t have anyone to talk to about it either. there is one person. but i shouldn’t burden him with this. i just need some advice. i can’t move much, sleep, drink, or eat. it’s really bad. and it’s never been this bad before. any tips?",Anxiety +35278,"Does anyone else fear they will constantly get food poisoning? I’m a food lover and certainly don’t hold back on eating new things. But over the past year, my health anxiety has grown to have a newfound paranoia...whenever I cook, I’m scared I will undercook things like chicken, fish, beef, etc. It’s not taking over my life or anything, but my boyfriend thinks I’ve become a total hypochondriac! + +Does anyone else have this? I have health anxiety generally and am frequently scarred I’ll get the flu, etc. But food poisoning is a new one....perhaps it’s because I’ve had some bad bouts of illness over the past few years after travelling. How do you get over this unnecessary anxiety?",Anxiety +662,"Don't worry, don't know why",Anxiety +52632,"Does Studying Trigger Extreme Anxiety? I have this real weird thing that happens to me. + +So besides my work life, I have potential academic plans. I love studying, reading, writing. I have so many ambitions with all these things I want to write. I might even publish them. I spend a lot of time-effort on these studies I do on my personal life. + +The weird thing is, whenever I go into focused studying, the idea that I will die anyways comes to my mind. I start to feel like this effort is for nothing, that I will die eventually, maybe even soon. I read about these scholars of the past, and see that some of them died so young. What will all this information help me with if I am going to die anyways? Will I have enough time to categorize-interpret-publish so much knowledge? + +Anyways, lots of anxious thoughts suddenly rush to my mind about mortality. I had this back in uni as well. I remember when I studied a lot during my masters, I would always start thinking about my mortality and whether all the work I do is even worth it.... + +Is there a scientific explanation to this? Why would studying in a focused manner put me in such an existential crisis each time? + +&#x200B; + +note: I use escitalopram for GAD/Panic",Anxiety +35213,"3 weeks of crazy medical symptoms and scared out of my mind Not sure where to even start. + +Around Christmas time I was drinking pretty heavily and abusing phenibut pretty bad. Once I returned back to work I slowly tapered everything down, but still had lingering vertigo and dizziness. I went to the occupational nurse and explained this to her so she sent me to the ER after seeing my blood pressure through the roof. + +EKG, chest x-ray and blood work all came back okay. Blood pressure a little on the high side but no big deal. + +A few days goes by and I'm noticing my eye is driving me nuts, like it's super dry and irritated. I keep checking it and it looks fine. Check it again and I notice my eyebrow is hanging lower than normal so I panic because I'm thinking stroke and go to the ER. Get halfway there and get this rush of a weird taste in my mouth and I suddenly feel super weak and out of it. My head feels like it's expanding and I can't string a sentence together and my neck and shoulder muscles feel like they're all as tense as they possibly can be. Ambulance takes me to the ER, get EKG, chest x-ray and blood work and they give me a xanax and send me home saying it was a panic attack. + +Next time I'm in the ER it's the same thing. I start noticing my neck muscles are super tense and my heart is pounding and I try to keep calm for as long as possible, but it doesn't go away so I go to the ER again. CT scan, blood work and a small dose of ativan and I'm fine. + +Third time I convince myself sudden proptosis. PANIC. Go to the ER again, same symptoms. My head feels like it's rushing with fluid, neck muscles are insanely tense and I'm freaking out. Checks my eye pressure and gives a quick exam and I'm fine. + +Go see my regular doc and I keep explaining to him it's not anxiety. Never had attacks like these in my life. Did the usual neurological tests when I explained fear of a stroke and it was all fine. He asked me to smile. Asked me to really smile. Explained to him my left arm had been feeling a little weaker than normal and my armpit felt almost numb or inflamed. So he ordered an MRI because he said it felt colder than the other. + +Came home and checked my smile in the mirror and noticed the right side of my face is pretty much paralyzed. I can barely smile, but I can close my eye. My eyebrow hangs lower than the left and my cheek sags a little. I called the ER doc and she said it's probably Bell's Palsy. Probably a ~3 week timeframe. + +So I'm terrified I have a tumor or MS or something. I did have a CT scan that came back clean. The only symptom I still have is the drooping on my face. I keep thinking my left arm feels weak, but I'm not even really sure. It's like the more I focus on it the worst it gets, but otherwise I don't really notice it. Maybe it feels mildly colder. + +Right now my balance is fine. I find my self falling asleep for a few seconds at a time randomly when I'm at my desk, but I sleep like shit because of anxiety. When I'm sitting down I get these weird feelings like someone's walking up the stairs, like you can feel it in your butt from the vibrations, but nothing's actually happening. My vision has been blurry for the past two years, but my eye doctor said it's nothing to be concerned about. + +I don't even know. My doctor is out until the beginning of March and all I want are my MRI results so I know what's going on. Are these panic attacks, is this just bell's palsy brought on my all of the stress of the past three weeks? + +I'm fucking terrified. Sorry for the rant. ",Anxiety +51971,"Blood pressure/Heartrate First time posting here. For context, I suffer with anxiety (obviously), and also have bipolar and OCD parents. I find myself constantly obsessing over high blood pressure and high BPM. I'm a heavy set guy. I'm trying to be healthier, but I have a long way to go on that. Sometimes, hours of my day are spent stressing over whether my heart rate is too high, and when I do so, I find it usually makes it go higher. + +I hate going to the doctor because of it because I know my BP will be high, and I don't want to know how high. Today, I had to go to the doctor and ofc it was high, but I was also having a panic attack while they were checking it because of the nerves I have around the whole thing and already had to walk 3 miles just to get there. I wasn't even there over my blood pressure. Anyway, after the visit I was sobbing and hyperventilating the whole way home. I just don't know what to do. Obviously, I have to get it under control, but in the meantime I need to find some way not to obsess over it because it keeps triggering panic attacks.",Anxiety +52307,Can my anxiety present as a constant feeling of butterflies or adrenaline in my stomach? I am really struggling right now and to make matters worse I am out of town for work. For about the last 5 or 6 hours I have had this sensation of butterflies in my stomach and an uneasy feeling that I cannot kick. I’ve had anxiety issues for 20 years and my recent physical and blood tests say I am healthy but I am worried this is something worse than anxiety. I cannot figure out anything to do to get rid of this feeling and it is awful. Tempted to go to the ER but that usually results in several hours of more motoring and being told anxiety. Unfortunately I do not have any medication like Xanax so I am feeling really lost and scared. Does anyone else have anxiety present like this and for such a long period of time?,Anxiety +52851,"I’m really scared and proud I’ve been taking the same adhd pill since I was a very small child and I had to switch on weekends due to a shortage. I have some history with certain pills and their side effects which is why I am so anxious. (Not the average side effects either, the 1% that most people don’t get. The side effects were facial and tongue cramping due to a severe allergic reaction, slurred speech, throat swelling, and a tic like thing called Tardive dyskinesia) I am having waves of panic attacks, but I am so fucking proud of myself. I faced my fear, I took the pill. I did it. I faced my anxiety. This is a first as I usually cower to it. My anxiety is still going, but it’s not used to me challenging it.",Anxiety +34133,"Am i going to die? So i drink two or three meal replacement shakes a day, four packages of top ramen and sometimes something else if my roommate makes it. I sleep from 8am to 1130am almost everyday. I work from 12 pm till 8:30 at my first job and 10pm to 7am my second job. I have Sundays off though... ",Anxiety +35364,"my neck is constantly cracking! so my neck has been constantly cracking for a long time now, but now its even more frequent than it used to be. + +i can also MOVE bits and pieces in the back of my neck, which feels like small pieces of bone. + +i saw a doctor for this, she basically diagnosed me as overly anxious about my health, that it is all a mental thing. i agree in this because i AM always anxious about my health. + +when my neck cracks, which is with many movements, not just occasionally but VERY frequently, i dont really feel any pain but it does worry me a lot. + +my neck cracking gets worse when i am in certain positions or if i sit down on a chair for a long time. + +sometimes with the pains i feel, like sharp stabbing pains occasionally in my head or wherever it may be, i am starting to feel overly anxious about them because i wonder if it could be because of my neck. + +im only 17 but i have very bad posture and a sedentary lifestyle for many years now. + +i am mostly concerned about the bits and pieces that i can shift in the back of my neck, they feel like tiny pieces of bone and i can move them around. everyone ive asked about this does not relate to what im saying at all! + +i also get headaches nearly every day, i have a bit of scoliosis, and tmj, so i wonder if this is related at all. + +i just dont feel like this is normal, and its really making me anxious lately, so if anyone else experiences constant cracking and crunching in their neck tell me! and are you able to move little pieces that feel like bone in the back of your neck? + +if anyone can help me alleviate this anxiety i will be extremely grateful!",Anxiety +35085,"Worried about my gallbladder.... I'm 25, 21 BMI, not super active but I've been good about eating whole foods and fiber though I've had a bad sugar habit. I'm also on an oral contraceptive (tri-lo sprintec) and I cut my calories to 1,000 for a few weeks to lose weight. That, plus my irregular eating habits and tendencies to skip meals, puts me at risk for gallstones--I think. + +Last Sunday I noticed I had some really sharp pains on my right side under my ribcage. This isn't totally abnormal, I have had this before, but this time it was much sharper and deeper than normal. It lasted like a minute or so and happened a few more times but it wasn't anything serious--just left me feeling a little chilly. But for whatever reason, my brain was immediately thinking ""that's gallbladder pains"" and I got worked up. For the rest of the week, I've been panicking every time i've had a pain or sensation in the area--which has been fairly often, making me wonder if it's psychosomatic or if something is actually wrong. I've had some pangs radiate into my shoulder and my arm as well, convincing me even more it's my gallbladder and not me panicking. TMI but I also had some considerable gas and bloating throughout the week, and I woke up more nauseous than normal most morning and I've had indigestion and stomach pains a bit after eating as well. I stopped eating stuff with a lot of fat and sugar in hopes that I wouldn't have an attack worse than what I experienced Sunday--in fact I cut out fat almost completely, I've been too afraid to eat it. + +I went for a checkup on Thursday and my doctor ordered bloodtests and an ultrasound on my upper right quadrant. I haven't gotten the results yet, but I got a call from someone at the clinic a day after about information that ""my doctor wanted to share with me,"" but it went to voicemail and when I called back immediately after they never answered--just to add to my worry! + +And now to add even more to my worry, my urine is darker than normal, which is another sign of gallbladder dysfunction I've read about...(though I did have beets for lunch)... + +I've been panicking about this for an entire week, and I know it's nothing to really be stressed over...I've changed my diet as much as I could and I'm getting everything taken care of, but I'm terrified of having another attack or something awry happening in between now and my blood results/ultrasound. And I'm scared for many reasons of having my gallbladder out...I've never had major surgery and I've heard about chronic digestive issues people have after they get it removed...thought that definitely sounds better than having an infected gallbladder explode inside of you. + +Just wanted to vent...I've had to keep myself off of the internet because I kept psyching myself out more and more (and I think it may have ended up giving me more symptoms). I've been so doom and gloom over this and I normally can convince myself to relax even when I'm worried about something being wrong with me, but this time I haven't been. Don't know if it's intuition or what.",Anxiety +33984,"Going to Battle HA? Hi All, + +First time posting here. So grateful to have found this community. I have struggled with HA for the last 10 years, with each year worse than the one before. + +For the last 6 months, my HA has been with leukemia. Usually my anxiety with any illness is from a few days to a few weeks, but never on the order of months. Enough is enough! I no longer want to live in fear of any random bruise (I am thin and bruise like a peach), or to have my husband constantly reassure me that I don’t have cancer and engage in my safety behaviors. + +A relative of mine is actually a clinical psychologist who deals with anxiety disorders. She referred me to a well-respected clinic that is able to work with my insurance and they want to schedule me for the intake. + +The problem? I’m scared to actually take the next step and start therapy. I’ve avoided dealing with my triggers and upbringing that promoted me becoming this way. The clinic specializes in exposure therapy for anxiety disorders and I am so scared thinking about putting myself in even controlled situations that will manufacture my anxiety. + +Has anyone successfully done therapy and conquered the HA monster? I just need to pick-up the phone and make the call. Would love to make progress on this in 2018. Help?",Anxiety +52451,"Leave of absence at work Hello all! + +I've been working for my sister's friends business for over a year now. + +In the span of the last 6 months, I have had 3 major anxiety episodes of a week or longer. + +Im having another bout of debilitating anxiety and decided that a leave of absence would be best for me to get better or help if I end up needing it. + +I still feel guilty as I've been out a week already, but I know I shouldn't feel guilty. + +Am I doing the right thing?",Anxiety +52119,"Does anyone subconsciously hold your breath in while you’re doing things like even just laying in bed using your phone? +I can’t even do simple tasks in peace. Even if I’m adjusting to sleep and using my phone in bed, my heart feels like it’s about to explode if I don’t take a deep breath in every few seconds because I hold my breath in subconsciously or that’s what my body just does to me at least. And then my heart rate gets up and I feel so uneasy and breathless from literally just lying down using my phone. I hate this shit. I can’t even yawn properly or take a deep breath in, it always gets cut off and I’m left feeling like I’m about to suffocate.",Anxiety +35449,"I keep feeling my heartbeat either skip or flutter, and it chokes me everytime. I have had 2 ECG's so far and an echocardiogram about 3 weeks ago, and everything was normal. I'm just so confused and lost. I'm scared they missed something. + +Does anyone else experience this weird symptom? I don't know how to explain it. My heart just randomly skips a bit or flutters, and then it races afterwards. It chokes me when it happens. ",Anxiety +35488,"Final exams coming up. Host of issues... Hey everyone, I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now and this is my best option as it’s the middle of the night and I can’t talk to anyone right now. + +I have final exams next week and I’ve been very stressed out lately, and although most people tend to overeat when they’re stressed, I am the type of person who feels nauseous and does not like the thought of food during stress. + +Anyways, this past week or so I was sick with a sore throat and developed a sore neck that still keeps reappearing. On top of that, today my left leg started hurting in a specific spot and I’m pretty sure something happened to my muscle. My anxiety has been elevated because after a night out over the weekend, my friend took pictures and although all our eyes had a white reflection from the flash, one of my eyes was especially white in multiple pictures. I have read about concerning disorders that can be a cause to the white flash, so I immediately went into panic mode. I have been experiencing problems with this eye and suspicions of glaucoma by one doctor, and overall my eye has been especially red lately. I can’t help but think something is seriously wrong but I keep reassuring myself that it’s probably just because I’m a heavy contact lens wearer and my eyes need some oxygen and relaxation. I made an appointment with my eye doc to make sure. In the meantime, I’m trying my best to calm down and forget everything so I can study and not jeopardize my future. :) ",Anxiety +52395,Weak legs. Hello I’ve dealt with anxiety for a couple years now. Never taken any medication for it. But as of recent I’ve noticed that I can’t stand still for long periods of time. My legs will feel heavy and feel like they are going to give out from under me. I feeI like I constantly have to keep moving . If not find a chair to sit down. Has anyone experienced this? Anybody suggestions?,Anxiety +34846,"I need help getting over my fear of diseases like ALS I am 27 years old and have had a morbid fear of certain diseases like ALS that will dominate my thoughts sometimes. I first started to really fear ALS after watching a movie on Lou Gehrig 10+ years ago. I’ve never known anyone personally who has ever had ALS. Every once in a while, I will go through a period where I just think almost constantly about it. The reason why I’m afraid of ALS is because it’s so terrible and as a white male who is decently athletic, I am technically considered more at risk than other demographics. I know 40-60 is when most people are diagnosed and I don’t want to be thinking about ALS for the rest of my life.",Anxiety +52069,"Being alone gives me great anxiety Hi people, + +I found out that I get depressed and anxious when I am by myself. + +I need some advice on how to change this feeling without depending on other people. + +Do you find it comfortable or anxious being by yourself?",Anxiety +35082,"Ex-partier, now healthy but with major HA Wondering if anyone else has dealt with this! + +I am now 27. When I was 18 I started a 6-year long party bender. Daily marijuana, pack of cigarettes a day, drinking 5-6 nights a week, MDMA every weekend. It was intense. I was on Zoloft at the time for my anxiety and depression due to a crappy upbringing and social anxiety. + +Flash forward to now. Quit pills 4 years ago, quit weed 1.5 years ago, quit cigarettes a month ago and now only drink once or twice a week. HOWEVER. Since getting healthier and stopping substances, my body has freaked out and feels like complete garbage every day. I have constant heart palpitations, tingling and headaches. I've had ECGs, a brain CAT scan, MRI on my chest, lung x-ray, blood pressure monitor and numerous blood tests and literally they can't find anything wrong with me. I am sad because I feel worse now than I ever did during my party days, and according to doctors I am in great shape considering. Also go to the gym 3-4 days a week. But every day I wake up exhausted, with random pains, not able to focus, random sweating fits, weakness. Panic attacks at least once a week (in the ER 2+ times a month). Anyone else who used to be a crazy party animal have these issues after getting sober?? ",Anxiety +34162,"Finger pain/throbbing My forefinger keeps throbbing for about 3-4 seconds then stopping for 3-4 seconds then throbbing again for 3-4 seconds, this happens like 6 times for about 5 minutes then stops and starts again after a random amount of time, I can't really liken any of my activities to triggering it. It is moderately painful, doesn't feel like external pain (like a scratch or impact of some sort) and feels more like a ""shooting"" pain in the sense that it feels as though it is rushing up the first segment of my forefinger as it pains me. + +I am a little worried I have some sort of repetitive strain since I do spend a lot of time on the computer and playing on a Nintendo DS. Really my question is should I go to the doctor about this?",Anxiety +52094,"I’m tired of this, anyone that can chat with me? I’m tired of the anxiety and feeling nauseous or just unwell to the point where i start to tremble. I just want a friend honestly 😪",Anxiety +52024,,Anxiety +34033,"Paranoid about a healing bump on the forehead So almost two weeks ago (last Monday), I decided to go to Urgent Care because of chest pains. On my way to the car, I opened the door and it whacked me in the forehead. + +I had a huge egg on my forehead above my right eye and it has almost gone down completely. The only bump is a small vertical line raised that isn't much longer than 3/4"". + +But because it is a line and it hurts to touch it (as well as after touching it), my brain is telling me I'm going to die of a blood clot or a stroke. + +Can someone please help convince me this isn't the case? Dumb brain trying to scare me.",Anxiety +51904,"My mom doesn't believe anxiety is real I finally got the courage to talk to a professional today for my anxiety. I got prescibed medication and I told my mom, expecting she would be glad for me. She was not. + +She got super angry and told me anxiety is not real, and that the medical and drug industries are just a big mafia looking to exploit people for profit. She told me I'm just going to get worse and that the medication will turn me into a lethargic zombie. + +Also she didn't approve that the dr. gave me a 2 week sick leave from work and made me feel bad for ""skipping work"". + +I feel so bad now. Maybe I shouldn't have seeked help after all?",Anxiety +51862,"I feel like I’m dead When I look at my reflection I don’t see a person anymore, I just see a corpse. I can’t even afford food and I look like a skeleton. It’s like I’m just convincing everyone that I’m a person like them, but I don’t fee like one. I have images pop up in my head of me shooting myself and lying dead on the floor (even though I wouldn’t actually kill myself). I don’t know what to do",Anxiety +52906,Away from home I’m away from home on a college tour for this weekend and I’m really anxious. I’m super fatigued and my stomach kinda hurts (I have emetophobia) and it’s freaking me out. I recently had covid so I’m worried it’s making a comeback. Could really use someone to talk to rn,Anxiety +52526,Has anyone taken prozak? Has anyone taken prozak before? If so what was your experience? I am nervous about taking it.,Anxiety +205,"Already complete. Disappointed with a broken heart. Produces a sense of restlessness. I don't know, hopefully all of this ends beautifully",Anxiety +35870,"Help with your HIV, STD anxiety I recently got a full STD test done which included blood work for HIV and Syphilis, and let me tell you I haven’t felt anxiety like this in a good while. I was constantly checking my online health portal and refreshing my email to see if my results came in. The whole week was nothing but dread. Because of my depression and anxiety I have engaged in some risky and self destructive behavior in the past. Last night night results came in clean and negative thankfully! I just wanted to share an article with you that really helped me and puts things in to perspective. I really hope this helps and makes things better for those of you in a similar situation. Be safe and get tested and you will be fine I promise! Life goes on and is too short to be spent worrying. Enjoy! + +[YOUR HONEST-TO-GOD GUIDE TO STDS](https://markmanson.net/std-guide)",Anxiety +52732,"I will start antidepressants tomorrow It makes me nervous. I have panic attacks every evening before going to bed. Bad ones with pounding heart, pain in chest and fear if death. Psychiatrist recommended light antidepressants. I am nervous from how they might affect me and of potential long withdrawal. I am questioning if they are necessary, but I want get better. It just scares me it is not anything you could ""give a try"" without potential of serious side effects. I am also afraid about the fact you can not use alcohol with them as I go to many social events required by my job and not drinking there might hurt my career. +Sorry if the post is incoherent. I am just nervous. I at least hope it will be useful.",Anxiety +33960,"Slipped and fell two weeks ago and afraid of getting a scan I slipped and fell on my right side. I only had a small visible bruise on my upper thigh by my waist. + +However, it seems it affected my whole leg. My upper thigh is tight and it feels like if you exercised and overstretched it. My knee is tight also, doesn't seem smooth when I move it, and has been popping/cracking alot more. + +I have full range of motion, but everything still feels sore. I really wanted to avoid going to the doctor but I might have no choice. + +A couple days ago I was in a dentist's office and I read an article about CT scans in Men's Health. It was basically talking about how risky it is, especially for young people, because of how much radiation it gives off. I'm not sure what the doctor would order for me, but I'm afraid of getting into a situation where I either have to refuse doctor's orders or get a scan and then have anxiety for the rest of my life about getting cancer from the radiation.",Anxiety +52938,"Tips on how to accept my symptoms are just anxiety and start living again?? The last month has been such a struggle for me. I started having panic attacks where my heart rate would spike to 150-180. I went to my doctor in case it wasn’t anxiety and just had my Holter Monitor results come back. I had one of these attacks while on it and thankfully no dangerous rhythms were found. Just some high rates but not sustained so my doctor is unconcerned. So once again, this is all anxiety. + +My therapist thinks it’s because I started a new job last month and I’m falling back into my old health anxiety habits because “Stress compounds symptoms”. + +This has gotten so bad that the past week I haven’t even been able to leave my bed out of fear of my heart getting too high. Due to probably the fear when I cooked or did dishes my heart rate could get up to 130 then if I noticed and began to worry it went up to 160. + +Now that I know I’m fine I thought I’d be okay but I’m still constantly watching my smart watch to see how high my heart rate gets then panicking when I see it go above 120 from just walking around the house but when I’m calm it doesn’t go over like 110. This happened on the Holter and it was normal. I know this is just anxiety but I can’t stop obsessing that I have a heart issue that’ll kill me. + +I just need help to take the smart watch off and stop taking my blood pressure. It’s just making everything worse. Yesterday alone, according to my logs, I took my blood pressure 50 times. I was worried because my bp was low when standing yet my heart rate was high so I thought it was dangerous. It happened again this morning and my heart rate got to 165. This constant checking is driving me crazy and ruining my life. How do I stop this??",Anxiety +34941,"lemon water in the morning is good for you? Truth or Myth? Personally I feel the liver detox and somewhat keeps me functional, might be biased or somewhat of a placebo...what do you guys think?",Anxiety +34990,"Has anyone overcome this completely? I’m really looking for hope that I won’t have to battle this forever, I’ve been dealing with it for a year now. I’m 18 and I got my health anxiety from a panic attack on weed which I guess my me to aware of my heart and I started to panic. + +Ever since I thought there was something physically wrong which doctors could not find anything, even nothing stood out to the neurologist. I even had MRI of my head, neck and back. Nothing. Blood test nothing. + +Tldr: Is it possible to become completely normal again? Can health anxiety be completely overcome?! I really need hope so any success stories of you or people you know would be appreciated. I feel stuck.",Anxiety +35848,"Scared to exercise I’ve had health anxiety for around 5 years now and it was based around a fear of cancer after a scare I had in 2014, but in during a run in February I had a pretty bad panic attack that I mistook for a heart attack/cardiac arrest which really shit me up and I’ve been terrified of any heart related problems since. I used to love running/working out and would exercise 5/6 times a week, but since the panic attack I’ve been scared to go for a run or do any strenuous exercises in the gym such as deadlifts. If I do exercise, I spend the entire time terrified something might happen to me and it has just ruined something I used to really enjoy. Does anyone’s health anxiety stop them from enjoying or even doing any exercise?",Anxiety +630,"Why do I think the more I think that having a relationship is happy, the more I worry, fear, worry :((",Anxiety +546,"Restless, upset if there is no news all day..",Anxiety +52196,"I understand adjusting to new medication, but why up dose when it is not working? I do a lot of reading on medications, trying to match myself to the right prescription. The wait times for psych are extremely long (over a year) in my country and a lot of guesswork falls on family doctors. I also work in medicine. + +One aspect I see over and over again is if the medication is not working, the dosage is upped. I see a lot of people discuss this on reddit as well. ""I felt worse so we upped it to xx mg and now I feel better."" Does anyone know the reason why? + +If we are telling our doctors that the medication makes us feel worse or causes unwanted side effects, why would increasing the dosage make it better?",Anxiety +51923,"Anxiety stopping me from working I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while now, I came to the realisation a few years ago that it has mainly stemmed from the relationship with my dad I had when I was younger. This is caused me to not be able to do tasks in front of people (wether they be simple or not) I just can’t do it. I start lightly trembling and thinking about how stupid I must look to whoever is watching me, this causes me to mess up even more. This is really stopped me from wanting to go out and get a job because I know that if the interview goes well (I actually do good in interviews weirdly) then I will eventually have to be shadowed and critiqued by someone while I learn the job. This dread has stopped me from going to 3 interviews now. Does anyone else get this? Sorry for the long post.",Anxiety +291,"Now, he's always anxious every day, it feels like he's waiting for a thesis trial, you know. I understand it feels nervous, worried, afraid. what's the difference now that you don't know what you're worried about",Anxiety +540,"Some days I'm very restless when I want to sleep. When you go to sleep, you don't realize anything, why are people fainting",Anxiety +34256,"Back pain on and off? Hi, people! I'm worried about a pain in my middle back that comes and goes almost every week. It's a weird pain, specifically located in the left side of my back. It isn't an horrible pain, but it's really annoying sometimes. Sometimes when I lay down the pain gets better, but it's noticeable when i'm sitting or standing +I don't know if it's something related to my posture, spine, nerves... But I'm really worried that could be something related to my stomach (like an ulcer) or my pancreas... I don't have any other symptoms, but my anxious mind thinks the worst. Like I said, the pain comes and goes and it usually starts at night (in the morning the pain doesn't exists at all). Anyone has something to say? I'm not asking for medical advice, just some kind words.",Anxiety +34949,"Serious question about oral sex and HIV Yesterday I gave a blowjob to someone . First ten seconds was without condom . (I am 22 male) + +The I put the condom on and it was on until he came in it . + +I was afraid he might have HIV and I might be infected too. + +so today I asked to get tested .We went together and the tests came negative . + +But the doctor said he needs to get tested 3 months later to make sure . + +Now I'm worried . Please help me . thank you .",Anxiety +12,"sometimes what is needed when there is a problem is to laugh until you forget that there is a problem, when you remember it, you feel restless like that well, it turns out that I still have a sad burden blah blah blah",Anxiety +52311,"Is my (30s F) anxiety screwing with me or am I correctly interpreting that this woman (30s F) is not interested in being friends with me? I'm (30s F) feeling hurt by this interaction with a friend of a friend (also 30s F) who I thought might want to be friends with me (but evidently doesn't) and need help processing it/some feedback on it. On top of my social anxiety, I have other anxiety disorders, depression and am possibly on the spectrum so socializing is extra extra hard for me and I really am lacking in friends. + +Here's the situation: + +**July 2019:** Was at a friend's wedding out of state and met one of her other friends who lives in my state, about 30-40 min away from me. We hit it off and she said she's always looking for new friends and it would be cool to grab dinner sometime. + +**Dec 2019:** I never hear from her and reach out to find out about dinner and we schedule something, but end up canceling because she has a family emergency. + +**Feb 2020:** I check in about how she's doing, if she still wants to do dinner, and we schedule a dinner. Our mutual friend happens to be in town so it ends up the three of us at dinner together. + +**July 2020**: Pandemic is happening. She includes me on an email invite to her bday party at her house. I don't feel comfortable going so decline. + +**June 2021**: I am feeling lonely and reach out to find out how she's doing and if she'd like to go to this outdoor concert with me. She ends up not being able to make it that day, but says we should one day meet up for dinner and I agree. I remind her we had talked about some greek place that time we went out and she says ""yeah, let's do dinner soon."" + +**September 2021**: Never heard from her about dinner and reach out again. She says her next two months of weekends are booked with fall activities with friends. She mentions a few she's doing that I could join. I tell her I'd be interested in this farm visit she's doing. She tells me it'll probably be some weekend in Oct, but she'll let me know the details once it gets closer and she and her friends decide the exact day. I never hear anything. + +**March 2023 (Now):** Get a random text from her asking how I'm doing. I get excited thinking she's interested in reconnecting. I'm feeling extra depressed and lonely and friendless as more friends have moved away/lost touch. She asks if I still live where I used to and if I still work remote. Yes and yes. I ask how she's doing, but she's vague only telling me she saw another friend of our mutual friend recently and that she still lives in the same town. Then, she says the reason she is reaching out to me is because she has a friend who is single and she thought of me. She sends me all his details and asks if I was interested. + +Man, did I get so depressed! I thought she had been interested in reconnecting because she was interested in a friendship with me and regrets we never ended up hanging out again. I kept expecting her to suggest we meet up or something, but it turns out she is only interested in me for a potential date for her friend. I feel hurt that here's someone I wanted to be friends with who I (for the hundredth time) thought might want to be friends with me and I again feel rejected. + +I know I could ONCE AGAIN ask if this woman wants to grab dinner (for the 1000th time), but I feel ridiculous at this point and like a loser. She clearly is not interested in hanging out with me or I wouldn't have had to be the one to reach out to her every time AND she would have followed up on those details about the farm visit back in 2021 that she did go on. + +What do you all make of all of this? + +tl;dr: Heard from someone who I had been previously trying to befriend for the first time in nearly 2 years. Thought she was interested in the friendship, but really reached for another reason. Made multiple attempts in the past to hang out with no result and feel like a loser trying again. Can't tell if she really is disinterested in friendship or if my anxiety etc is skewing things.",Anxiety +35568,"Lightheaded/ dizzy after walking I (33/m/222lbs) recently started my weight loss journey (down 27lbs since january) and started going to the gym this week. I spent 45 minutes on the treadmill just walking and afterwards felt very dizzy and lightheaded. I make sure to drink lots of water throughout the day. I did lead a very sedentary lifestyle before this, and have recently quit smoking. Does anyone else ever feel this way after walking? Is this normal? Am I just THAT out of shape?",Anxiety +33934,Feels like there's Urine stuck in my penis all the time? Did and urine test and x-rays. Didn't hear back from either of them. Have a follow up on Monday and then likely I'll need an appointment with a urologist. I'm terrified this is something serious since infection has basically been ruled out unless it somehow didn't appear on tests.,Anxiety +267,restless and agitated,Anxiety +60,Very restless bgsd,Anxiety +35529,"How to be a supportive partner to someone with health anxiety? Hello. New to posting in forums like this, but I am struggling and could use advice/perspective. I hope I am allowed to make posts like this, but feel free to remove if it is violating any community rules. + +&#x200B; + +I found this subreddit when researching health anxiety. My long term partner has been afflicted by this for the last 3 months. I know that is not a very long time, but it's been very hard. It feels like he suddenly starting having heart problems and ended up in the ER because he called an ambulance. They said it was panic/anxiety, and things have gotten worse since. We have done all the medical tests, and physically the doctors say he is fine and that his symptoms are anxiety. He is convinced otherwise, but I see his behaviors mirrored in all of the posts here. I believe he has health anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +I'm really trying to be as helpful as I can, but I feel so helpless. I am trying to reassure him that he is okay, but every other day he spirals into believing that he has cancer/kidney disease/muscular disorders/liver cirrhosis, etc etc. He even at one point thought he had an STD, which was hurtful to me as his long-term partner because I have not been unfaithful and I viewed it as an attack on my character. I realize now that it is US against THE ANXIETY but sometime's it's still hard. Before all of this, we used to go and do things all the time. Now it feels like we don't go out and any time I can get him out, it's a chore because he feels so sick (or anxious). + +&#x200B; + +He has started therapy, but insists it will not help because he thinks he has a true medical problem and not health anxiety. I want to be as supportive as I can be, but I'm really struggling with how to support without enabling or indulging in his fears. + +&#x200B; + +So I'm hopeful that this community can help give me some advice on how to help a partner experiencing health anxiety? What is helpful for you to hear from your partners? How can I be the most supportive partner I can be without losing myself (which is how I am starting to feel lately)? Should I push or encourage him to go out even when he says he is sick? I miss our old life, but I don't want to force him into an activity if he really is ill. Alternatively, is there anything I can do to be more empathetic? What do you wish your partner knew about your health anxiety? + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for your advice. I just want to understand and be helpful.",Anxiety +165,"Lately I'm feeling scared & very anxious thinking about the day for tomorrow's work inspector . Honestly, I'm really scared because I'm not very close to friends, I'm afraid I can't, I'm afraid to disappoint, and if I suddenly remember I cry",Anxiety +464,"I'm restless, I'm languishing every night, it's really hard when I'm tired",Anxiety +35677,"Fear of colon cancer Hello. This might be a bit TMI but I need help here. Earlier this week a had developed a hemorrhoid on the outside of my anus. It pretty much covers the hole. I wasn’t really paying attention to my feces too much but for the past few days I have been pooping very thin, flat feces. Sometimes I have constipation too. I just did end a course of Antibiotics about 3-4 weeks back(doxycycline). I’m worried it might be cancer. There’s no blood in the stool. I’m trying to eat cleaner for now and taking a fiber supplement. + +I have a lot of gas too recently. Once in a while I’ll have abdominal pain but it’s minor and not localized to one spot. Can anyone shed some light? Thank you.",Anxiety +34549,"Soreness in Hand and Leg Starting on monday night, my left hand has been numb, sore, and weak. And then on wednesday my left leg had started to get sore. I'm worried that this could be ms or guille barre or something similar. Anyone else had an experience like this?",Anxiety +52679,"Teeth Pain, Headaches, Hot Flushes I always feel tension headaches everyday which is making me anxious about it. Also, if feel so hot even though my temperature is not high after checking in thermometer. My front teeth aches I dont know ehy. Any tips on what to do?",Anxiety +4,"I'm restless and restless, it's been a month now, boy. What do you mean?",Anxiety +35816,"Scared to work out I’m very overweight 5’ 4 336lbs, I want to start my journey to lose weight but due to my health anxiety I’ve convinced myself I’m going to have a heart attack if I start working out.. how do I get over this fear? I feel so stupid that I’m so debilitated by my health anxiety. I’m praying that if I can get my weight under control it will relieve some of my anxiety.",Anxiety +35857,"Friend on Facebook posted about Nuvaring causing pulmonary embolisms My husband left for deployment yesterday and so I'm anxious in general. Then yesterday my car also broke down and will be down for the week. To top it off, a friend on Facebook posted about Nuvaring giving people pulmonary embolism. So I googled it to soothe myself. Bad move. Now I'm even more anxious about it because there were so many people saying it causes heart attacks and their daughter has died from Nuvaring and blah blah. I have heart palpitations from anxiety and now I'm worried it's not anxiety and actually a sign of my Nuvaring slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.",Anxiety +34075,"Horrid smelling dollar bill (smells like a dead animal[rabies anxiety]) A little background of myself. I have a severe phobia of rabies ever since I was bitten by a dog two years ago. Now every little thing triggers my fear. Anyways, today in the grocery store I received some money that smelled absolutely disgusting. The type of smell you smell from a rancid, dead animal. Now I've convinced myself that someone came into contact with a dead, rabid animal, didn't wash their hands, and smeared whatever gunk they picked up from the hypothetical animal onto the dollar bill that I touched. This is my most far-fetched scenario yet but I've persuaded myself that this is what happened. I'm sick of living this way. This shit is debilitating and ruins every waking moment of my life. How the fuck do I stop thinking like this?",Anxiety +535,WHY ARE YOU VERY EASY??? WHY HAVE YOU ARRIVED ANXIETY LIKE THIS,Anxiety +52031,"DAE not only fear their next attack, but fear it will be even worse and/or their worst anxiety attack experienced ever? My intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been crazy lately and these concepts have come to mind. I’m petrified I’ll truly lose it one day and be on record as having the worst attack ever known or something. Tell me I’m not alone?",Anxiety +330,"It's anjir, the past few days it's been really messy, so I'm nervous why the assignments don't show up . Usually Monday/Tuesday there are assignments and the deadline is Wednesday/Thursday -_-",Anxiety +53004,"Someone is coming home! I know I’ve triggered a reaction from my title. How do you cope? + +I’m nearly 30 and might break up with my partner over this if I can’t control it. I know this might be a fact of my shitty brain but I’m doubt my best to manage it. Does anyone have any suggestions? + + +Edit: +To clarify, my partner is arriving home soon.",Anxiety +34276,"Rabies Anxiety - Long Term Incubation I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with rabies as the subject of your health anxiety, but one of the worrisome things about it is that there have been documented cases where the incubation period after exposure to the virus has been years and years, as high as 25 years in one case (although the evidence for it is not definite). A few other examples of long incubation periods include 4 - 6 years, and around 15. + +My fear here is that despite not having rabies yet, I am incubating this terrifying virus and will ultimately die from encephalitis and insanity, which is the outcome of all rabies diagnoses. + +11 years and 8 months ago I handled two baby raccoons over a period of days my aunt found in her yard after her dog killed the mother. We kept them for probably 3 days, and I would imagine my aunt had them for 2 or 3 days as well, before we gave them to a local animal hospital which gave them to a local wildlife rehabilitation center before release. After dropping them off with the clinic we never heard anything else from them. My father confirmed with me yesterday that he left his contact information. I called them yesterday and they don't have documentation about it that far back, but the woman on the phone was not exactly reassuring because apparently a local, unlicensed person was doing the rehabilitation back then. Still, it's someone who would have had the animals in their care for a period of time that would have seen anything to indicate rabies. + +I don't recall the animals behaving strangely, but that doesn't say much. I also don't recall being scratched to show blood (maybe some white-marking from their little claws, but no deep contact) and if they did get saliva on me, I don't imagine it was on an open wound. My aunt, father, two neighborhood friends have not gotten rabies. We never heard anything back from the animal hospital. The only report of raccoon rabies is from 2003, before this happened in 2006. In that county in 2006 there was only one documented case of raccoon rabies in the wild (not humans). For the length of time we had the animals, we would have seen some sort of odd behavior. + +And it's been almost 12 years. What are the chances I'm a case study for long term rabies incubation? + +",Anxiety +581,"every night overthinking, anxious, nervous..every time I do activities that I don't like, I always feel nauseous and have stomachaches. sometimes if you think too much it gives you a headache :(",Anxiety +34425,"Anyone tried exposure therapy? My therapist says that exposure therapy is one of the best ways to treat health anxiety disorder, which we're starting on Thursday. Just wondered how many of you are currently receiving treatment of any kind, and how many have tried this particular modality. + +She said once we get into the exposure therapy, I will need to try to limit ""safety behaviors,"" e.g. googling, seeking comfort from my boyfriend, taking supplements, etc. (Things I do to comfort myself when the anxiety gets bad.) I'm nervous! What have you guys experienced?",Anxiety +724,sleep really restless duh don't like it,Anxiety +35312,"Health anxiety that has lead to panic disorder My health anxiety has led to panic disorder, my panic attacks are almost daily now honestly. Me health anxiety has gotten worse over the course of college, I used to get sick or feel something and go on about my day and not care too much. But now if I even get a cough or cold I think I have lung cancer or something, lately I’ve been short of breath anytime I try and do anything, night just all be in my head but it makes me wanna just lay in bed. I’m an active person, I lift 5-6x a week, been taking some time off here and there because of the anxiety and panic attacks. I noticed whenever I see something like a friend being diagnosed with pulmonary embolism that I’ll look it up and then think I have it, or feel a normal bodily sensation and get fixated on it and make everything worse until I’m in panic mode. I would have to say the worst thing is being dizzy, I feel like I’m constantly dizzy most places leaving my house and it makes me uncomfortable and fear I’ll pass out although this wouldn’t happen bc my BP is normal at those times or high if anything. I’d just like to know other health anxiety worries of people, fears, panic attack stories, what you’ve done to cope? Because I have a lexapro prescription but not sure about it yet. Thanks!",Anxiety +172,"I'm so nervous I swear, the views are getting slower",Anxiety +34694,"Fear over HPV. Just found out my girlfriend of four years had pre\-cancer cells scraped from her cervix back in 2006. This is almost always caused by HPV. I've also learned that HPV doesn't necessarily completely go away, so now there's a good chance she's passed it on to me. This means I'm not at a higher risk for penile and head/neck cancer. + +I really hate life sometimes.",Anxiety +34711,"I’m determined to win against my HA It is January 1st 2019 and I am currently in bed in tears because my Health Anxiety has been in overdrive for days. I currently think I have numerous illnesses and I’m in constant fear I’m going to die soon. + +But this shouldn’t be how I bring in the New Year. I should be looking forward, I should be looking to tackle the year head on and look to fulfil my potential. This time next year, as we approach 2020, I want to be living my life to the full and not feel crippled by how my mental health perceives my physical health. + +I am so scared of dying, that I don’t spend anytime living. And that is a travesty that I must fight against. ",Anxiety +385,"Lately, I've been feeling anxious, restless, sad, but I'm still feeling sad because na, kabeh comes naturally. Strange.",Anxiety +34129,"thankful to have found this sub I just stumbled upon this sub and I came here to say I am so thankful that it exists. I have been suffering from health anxiety and death centered panic disorder since I was 7 years old. I was so young that I had absolutely no idea what panic attacks were and concluded that there was something medically wrong with me causing my symptoms. This is where my health anxiety began. I wasn't able to fully be a child as i spent 8+ years fearing for my life in silence thinking i was dying of this ailment or that ailment, i was too afraid to tell my parents. Since then, I am a 23 year old, going to therapy and taking medications and working out my issues. It is so relieving to see that there are other people out there like me dealing with the same issues and who understand. I wish you all peace and strength in your fight!",Anxiety +35452,"Betoning the symptoms you read about? Some time ago i was worried i had a heart diseasd, then i read about the symptoms and after i read about it i started having chest pains. For the last 2 months i have had a swollen lyntog node behind the left Ear and after i read about the symptoms i started having low grade fever, red cheeks, Night sweats sometimes and fatigue. Does anybody Else become there symptoms?",Anxiety +52366,"Developed anxiety disorder out of the blue Don’t understand why this is happening, but I have been having panic attacks when I’m stressed out. It’s really weird. I do struggle with depression (diagnosed but not medicated) but never really had an issue with anxiety until now. + + +I can only pinpoint one specific traumatic moment this year, but I really am not seeing why, especially when the trigger isn’t anything related to that. I just shut down now under *any* stress :( which sucks because sometimes my work is stressful and the panic attacks have happened twice in my work place + + +I'm just wondering if anyone else had this sudden onset of panic attacks for no reason? + +EDIT: I forgot to mention but I’m in therapy and have mentioned this to my therapist but I am finding these episodes continuing to occur and it scares me",Anxiety +53030,"A heart attack would be very obvious right? Hey guys + +I have had some pain and a feeling of weakness in my left arm for a week now that i want to get checked out at a Orthopedist today. + +But when i cane back from a walk i had a sting in my left chest when i breathed in :/ + +Now i'm sitting here and my left chest feels a bit sore and stingy sometimes, and my heart is beating quite fast. + +That coupled with my arm weakness makes me very scared :( + +A heart attack would be more obvious right? + +It would hurt a lot and i probably wouldn't be on reddit right now if i had one right? + +I'm so scared right now i hate it, it's still 7 hours before the Orthopedist opens up :(",Anxiety +35730,"Has Anyone else experienced neck pain right on left side where pulse is? Hi, so recently I have been experiencing slight neck pain of the left side of my neck where I feel a pulse. I’m worrying this is a blood clot in my carotid artery that will cause a stroke. Has anyone ever felt this before?",Anxiety +35219,"I got innocently bit by a feral kitten trapped in my house, now I'm dying of course. Two feral kittens were eating food my family put out for them and our cat scared them, so they ran inside the house. In the process of trying to literally herd cats, one of them bit my knuckle while I tried fishing him out of the corner. I washed it with alcohol and soap for 10 minutes. + +After doing some Googling (!!!) I went to the ER two days later. I must have rabies! + +After explaining the situation, the nurses and doctor were very reassuring that I probably didn't need a rabies vaccine. They said it was ultimately up to me, but she said ""in my professional opinion, I wouldn't get it."" As it was expensive and insurance might not cover it. + +So I got a tetanus shot and antibiotics instead. + +Tetanus shot made me feel like trash and now I've had a the subtlest, mildest of headaches for three days. It's so light I'm not even certain I have one half the time. I'm hyper aware of every muscle twitch I have. When my hands get cold I panic thinking they're going numb. I check to make sure I can still swallow. + +Any day now the headache will get intense and I'll wake up to my hand being completely numb. Then I'll go back to the ER and they'll tell me there's nothing they can do because I'm dead meat. + +It happened on the 9th and all of the feral cats appear fine still. Mom and dad cat and three kittens. None rabid or dying. + +But I'm still dying. And constantly on alert about my body. Does my head hurt or am I making it hurt by thinking about it so damn much? + +To make it worse, I got taken off my Ativan ages ago because I switched doctors and the new one refuses to prescribe anything remotely addictive. + +Fml",Anxiety +35260,"Doctors appointment soon. Lots of anxiety I've had a crazy Year. Last year I got a tumor (benign) removed and ever since that whole situation my health anxiety has done the opposite of going away. I got stomach pains maybe one or two weeks before my surgery and it's around my lower abdomen. It got to the point where I went to the ER and they couldn't figure it out even after doing some urine exams. After a bit, it went away. Recently the pain has become chronic though for three weeks now and it feels like a stabbing pain in that area that'll come in waves and is paired with back pain. Cancer is the only thing on my mind especially now that I feel like I'm prone to tumors. I'm very scared. I feel like I'll die tomorrow and nobody would notice or care since they never ask if I'm doing okay even though I'm very obviously going through something and this includes the people closest to me. I can't think about anything else and I don't know what to do besides vent about it here. ",Anxiety +35797,"Love Yourself Good morning Reddit users! I wanted to pass some words or love and support. + +We are all here because of our health anxiety whether we have it now, or we had it in the past and we’re just trying to support others. + +I wanted to tell everyone... + +Breathe. + +Why is that so important? Because when we are all trapped inside our own thoughts and obsessed with our problems we feed into our pain, our stress, and our anxiety. That’s what our anxiety wants! Take a moment to step back and relax, let your body unravel since it’s so tense you won’t even notice it! Close your eyes, take deep breaths just to let your mind go back to normal. Because if you continue to worry and stress, your symptoms of whatever you’re feeling get worse! Then you begin to analyze “new” symptoms and you’ll start to worry about those. So just breathe please. + +We as human beings sometimes forget to love ourselves and appreciate the small steps we take against our anxiety! Please give yourself a pat on the back, congratulate yourself for taking this small step! Don’t ever feel like you’re alone, we’re all here to help each other because we want the best for each other, we might feel like we’re in a hole. But we can get out of here I promise you all, we just need the support and the love because with that we can counter attack the mind. It’s powerful, but we can’t let it take advantage of us! We gotta control it and use it to our advantage! + +I hope all you have a wonderful day, and week, and month, and year. Let this be our year! Let’s tackle this together! + +I love you all. Let’s beat this together. ❤️",Anxiety +52336,"My social anxiety has been getting worse For a while I thought I was okay. For a while, I didn't feel socially anxious. + +I don't know what went wrong, but the thought of social interaction or going out into public spaces scares the hell out of me. For a while I never went grocery shopping because I just didn't want to deal with people. I don't want to talk to my classmates at all. I would feel more better about hiding and not having to deal with anyone. + +One of the most recent issues that's sending me into a spiral is that I need to do a task that involves leadership and giving directions. But it's difficult for me to communicate. It's as if the words are all sprawled out in my head and whenever I make an attempt at talking, it just comes across as disorganized and incoherent. I'm not a leader. I can't direct. I'd rather follow than lead. + +Today was especially horrible because I'm generally a well organized person who has it together, but my classmate ended up seeing how much of a mess I am. After something fell out of my plan, I got flustered, shut down entirely. It's so embarrassing, and now I want to hide from everyone. I don't know how to recover from something like that, or show that I'm better than my anxiety.",Anxiety +34586,"MS Awareness commercial terrible for my MS anxiety I've been dealing with HA for about 4 months now. Mostly centered around physical symptoms. Recently, past week or so, I've been having this pins and needles feeling in a small spot on my lip thats been coming and going, and some spots in my left leg with the same, but the leg stuff is pretty much gone. I also been having some blurry vision but I've chalked that up to having just started Lexapro a week and a half ago (I hear it can cause that?). Unfortunately I'm still only on 10 mg, likely getting moved up to 20 after a month. And while the side effects have sure been there, no real benefits so far. Anyone been where I am? + +Anyway so I've been doing pretty well with the HA the past couple of days until tonight a MS awareness commercial comes on and all the anxiety flairs back up since that what my HA has been centered around recently. Am I not supposed to watch tv ever? How do you deal with triggers?",Anxiety +34078,"Possible Ear Infection? So my left ear is a bit red and itchy, it also feels like it’s burning and it’s tender to touch in certain places, especially just before the inside of the ear and behind the ear like the rounded bit on the outside. + +I think it might be my earphones that have caused the problem so I’ve stopped using them for a couple days. + +I’m not sure if this is something I should go to the doctor about or not. I know ear infections and stuff don’t really need treated but I wasn’t sure if I should just wait it out or go see a doctor about it. ",Anxiety +34377,"Recent doctor's visit has me in a spiral I don't know where else to turn. I feel like my entire world is caving in. A few days ago, I went for a routine eye examination and at the end of it my doctor told me that I had an inflamed optic nerve and one pupil smaller than the other. She suspects that I might have idiopathic intracranial hypertension. She's seen this a few times. Sets me up with a specialist. Specialist calls and sets appointment some time in April. Today, I get a call saying that appointment was a mistake and they need to see me next week. They used the word ""serious."" My mind is racing now. I'm trying to calm myself down and think clearly, but I can't. They're not going to diagnosis me with IIH (which is a benign disease), it'll be terminal brain cancer or MS. I just know it. Basically, IIH makes your brain swell due to excessive spinal fluid. It gives you nasty headaches. Weight loss and meds are the treatment. I'm going to die of brain cancer at 28. This is how my life ends. This is the most convinced I've ever been in my entire life and all the history of health anxiety that I've had. This will be the end. I can't fucking believe this is happening to me. I had my appendix and gallbladder removed, and had to fight the fears of intestinal cancer. Now my brain is telling me: ""See? It took three/fours to metastasize to your brain, and now you're gonna die."" I can't stop panicking. ",Anxiety +34141,Waking and feeling anxious because you think you might be anxious today? Anyone else over think and instead of thinking hey I might be anxiety free today you get anxious about the day and start feeling all the usual symptoms? This is triggering my cycle everyday at the moment and I'm getting stress migraines and fight or flight symptoms just because I'm anxious I might get those symptoms that day! Any tips?,Anxiety +35205,"Anxiety or something serious? (MS worries) Hi, I’m here, again.. + +About one year ago I posted here about my MS worries. + +So here is my short story (longer in previous post): + +October 2017 +- nausea, dizziness, 14 days headache around right temple and behind eye, fatique, weak legs, twitching all around my body (eyelids, around mouth the most, tinnitus, burning sensations (especially in right foot) etc.. +Then I started googling which was the dumbest idea in my whole life.. +November 2017 +- sensation lost around left knee +- MRI of brain/spine (1,5T machine) (few very small and absolutely non specified white spots) +- SSEP, EEM, EEG, EYE exam, bloodworks for EVERYTHING (lyme, hiv, syphilis, ...) and EVERYTHING is okay.. + +Then the problems slowly went away, but sometimes I still have dizziness, nausea, eyepain, headaches, tinnitus for few seconds, burning and tingling sensations, weak legs..everything is on/off + +January 2019 +- follow up MRI of brain/spine (3T machine) and everything is same as previous MRI + +More than 10 doctors told me its nothing serious (no MS!!) and it can be psychosomatic.. +BUT +Im still conviced it could be something serious. + +What do u think? +Somebody with same problems? + +Thanks! M.",Anxiety +34797,"Anyone else have a 'weird feeling' on the left side of their body? Like a sort of 'fullness' or that something is wrong. I've pretty much experienced this since I was an adolescent (I'm 21 now.) So basically, on the left side of my body, specifically the left breast, there is sometimes a benign feeling of 'fullness' and less commonly a dull sort of pain. It doesn't really radiate. Sometimes when it happens and flares up, I feel it the most when I breathe deeply in and out. I do have precordial catch syndrome (which is harmless), but I don't think that's what this is. I'm always convincing myself that it's angina and that I might have a heart attack, but then I remember I've had this feeling for *so long* in my life that I probably should have gotten one by now. Even when I was young, I had an EKG done and everything came back just fine, and a cardiologist I saw was totally convinced that nothing is wrong with me and just sent me on my way. I'm so sick of having this feeling and I don't know what to think of it. And just recently, I've started to have weird sensations on the left side of my left hand, and sometimes below my left breast. There is also a point in my left breast that when I touch and rub, it actually hurts. I'm thinking this may be a muscle strain or tear, but those things don't really last for several years, no? + +To note: this feeling isn't constant, it comes and goes. Even when I forget about it, bam, it just comes out of nowhere. + +I have no other symptoms. Zero breathing problems, no heartburn etc.",Anxiety +34886,breathing in melted plastic = lung problems? I have a 3D pen and was soldering a sculpture. the filaments are PLA and burning it smelled awful. I worked on it for maybe 15 minutes. I'm worried that toxins could be released and I'm so anxious from it that it's making me nauseous. Is it possible that it could have affected me? ,Anxiety +35597,"Pro tip: don't Google symptoms if you're logged into Facebook. They will use the data from your searches to give you relevant ads and articles and it will exacerbate your HA. There have been times where I've frantically googled the symptoms for everything from MS to brain tumors to ruptured ovarian cysts and shortly afterwards I would see an ad or an article about something related to it-- nearby gynecologists, cancer centers, etc. But since I've stopped doing that, I don't see them as much anymore. It's been really helpful in taming my anxieties. + +Googling something once every so often doesn't affect the algorithm too much I don't think, but when you're a chronic symptom-checker (like I used to be), triggering ads definitely start becoming more prevalent. So resist the keyboard and just breathe. ",Anxiety +34193,Health Anxiety and Xanax My health anxiety involves fear of having a heart attack or stroke. Ive been to the Emergency Rooms more times that I can count thinking im dying. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Zoloft daily and Xanax (.5 mg) to take only in emergencies. Ive been taking the Zoloft for the past week and a half noticing no improvement but ive heard it takes a while for it to actually kick in. I still haven't taken any of the Xanax and it makes me anxious to think about the side effects and hearing stories of people getting addicted to it/dying from it. Anyone have any good experiences with it? I would hate for it to make my panic attacks worse. Ive been thinking about taking 1 pill just to know what its going to feel like when im actually having an emergency.,Anxiety +35642,"my mum died of adult death syndrome and I’m scared it’ll happen to me too I’m 15 years old and I’ve been worrying about this pretty much every day since my mum died, I’ve had a lot of problems with high blood pressure the past 2 years and thats made me really depressed and just worried all the time, but that got better about 3 months ago, but the past 2 days I’ve had a really bad pain in my left arm and I was convinced it was a heart attack when it first come on, but I went to my doctor today and she told me it’s just a trapped nerve in my shoulder so that made me feel a little better, but to be honest this is making me feel the same way I did when I was in and out of hospital with high blood pressure, I know a trapped nerve isn’t really something to worry about but I think it’s just been kind of a shock to me so I thought I’d come here looking for some reassurance, all in all I’m terrified what happened to my mum will happen to me and the idea of death just terrifies me all together, it’s causing me to have severe anxiety and today was the first time I’ve been outside in months, I just want to start doing the things I enjoy again and stop worrying and thinking I’m going to die everyday. +",Anxiety +35200,Afraid of Tetanus On my way to the bathroom I stepped on an earring standing straight up. It went about 2/3 of the way into my foot. Now i'm freaking out about tetanus. I'm nervous that I won't be able to get any sleep. ,Anxiety +34031,"Should I be worried about a stomachache that's lasted for 3 days? I've felt absolutely awful since Tuesday. Been bedridden and haven't showered since Monday because every time I try to move, my stomach hurts. Is it normal for stomachaches to last this long? I'm so dehydrated but I can't drink because every time I do, I vomit...",Anxiety +52363,"Blonde highlights Hello first time posting here but I feel like I'm going to explode. +So a few weeks ago I got the ""amazing"" idea to get blonde highlights, like a balayage. I don't know if it's because how the hairstylist did them, because my hair is wavy or I'm just this insecure. But now every time that I see myself on the Kinrara I hate my hair so much, like what the he'll I did to my precious color. +I'm thinking to get dyed at home because I can't deal anymore with hairstylists and giving explanations, but it makes me SO ANXIOUS to not get a color that matches my hair. I just want my highlights to dissappear. +I'm feeling like a mess and I don't know how to proceed and I don't want to hear the others saying how I'm wasting my money after getting the highlights . I just want to feel peace at something.",Anxiety +52142,"Slipping Away I feel like I’m slipping away. I navigate bad traffic on the way into work where I’m in a hybrid tech support/business analyst role: so primarily I’m listening to and troubleshooting everyone’s troubles through the day. + +The calls sometimes start at 7:00AM and don’t end until after 6:00 other days. And heavy traffic back home. + +Every week this year it seems something around the house is breaking and either needing me to repair it or pay someone to come out. + +After sorting out the to-do list time is passed with my dogs, who I love very much but are extremely pushy and needy some days. + +That goes on until my father-in-law gets home and demands that the dogs get put away, and everything turned off and focus turned to him so he can tell all about whatever’s on his mind — he lives with us. And if I don’t drop everything I have to hear from his family and somehow my family about how I need to stop hurting his feelings. + +Then bed and wake up to start over again. + +I get about an hour a week to just myself. And hour a week to be me. I feel like I’m losing who I am.",Anxiety +34186,"I lost my Dad two years ago and now my Health Anxiety is at its worst... I’ve always been a ""worrier"" my mum says, but in the 2 years since my Dad died suddenly from a heart attack i have had debilitating Health Anxiety. I’ve been on 2 different anti depressants/anti anxiety tablets and will feel perfect and then come off them after 6 months, feel really good for a while and stable for a few months and then in a matter of 5 mins of feeling something weird happening in my body I spiral into a deep anxious state and the panic attacks start again. This past week I’ve convinced myself I have a brain tumor, meningitis, deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, you name it. It is exhausting and I am just so over it. I miss my carefree, worry free life :( and my dad :( ",Anxiety +34071,"Does anyone by any chance know what a Pedriatric does for constipation? Im 15 years old and have had constipation for months,GP referred me to Pediatric in hospital to see what they think i should do... have no idea what to expect or if they will check me out? Im just worried they will check me like how they do for hemorrhoids..:/",Anxiety +34511,"Reassurance Hello, + +I stumbled upon this subreddit about two weeks ago and since then have been reading it often to help cope with my health anxiety. I often end up laughing at myself over my anxiety. This is my first post and rather lengthy. I apologize. + +My most recent concern is that I have some sort of colon cancer. I have been having unusual bowel movements for several months. Changes in appearance, size, etc. Sorry, too much information. I mentioned it to my doctor earlier this month and he shrugged it off and said to try Miralax. I did, but didn’t notice much difference aside from change in color and more loose. + +I’ve recently thought I’ve noticed some red streaking in the stool which has elevated my anxiety about the situation. My employment offers a telemedicine service so I called and spoke to a doctor about my concerns and he said it’s likely IBS and promised I was fine. I follow up with my doctor again this past week and he said the risk is slim for anything major but referred me to a gastro doctor. The appointment isn’t until next month. + +This weekend, I decided it would be a good idea to get an EZ Detect test which tests for blood in the stool. These are little pieces of paper you put in the toilet after a bowel movement that changes to blue or green if blood is detected. You are first supposed to put a paper in to test the water color. I decided to skip that step and test my first bowel movement yesterday late afternoon/early evening. There was no color change on the paper. I was satisfied. + +This morning I decide to do the water test to eliminate any what ifs from my mind. Once again, there was no color change. I follow the water test with another bowel movement. There was no color change. + +There is a control test you are supposed to do at the end to verify that the paper worked properly. It comes with a powder that changes the color of the paper. I flush everything and pour the powder in and then place the paper in for the control test and it instantly turns blue. + +About an hour or two later I feel another bowel movement coming on and I decide to use my final test. The paper instantly turns a very faint blue and I immediately freak out. About 5-10 minutes later I realized that I had put the powder in the toilet and that it’s possible there was some left over in the water even after flushing. I have noticed some little white specks in that toilet throughout the day today. + +I just am looking for some reassurance that there was likely a little bit of left over powder and that my health anxiety is getting the best of me, as usual.",Anxiety +35762,"HA relapse. Feeling helpless. Could use some positive vibes Hey friends. Unfortunately my HA has come back full force. After a brief time of stillness and calmness a friend passed away and at the same time I was dealing with a minor neck injury. Now my HA has completely spiralled out of control again. With obsessions ranging from Heart disease, to brain cancer and aneurism. This is my third or fourth relapse with HA. Feeling extremely anxious and so so hyper aware of my body right now. Every pain, twitch, movement is highly examined... google is my best friend and enemy right now. +I cannot stop thinking I am sick. And that I will die. It’s horrible. Anyone who has had a bad relapse with HA can understand what I am going through right now. Just looking for some calming words, stories, anything right now. + +Much love HA community.",Anxiety +34151,"Question about bone cracks So I've been going to the gym weekly now and I've noticed this for the first time but my right shoulder seems to crack alot and I mean if I do those shoulder rolls it cracks, when I bench press my shoulders would crack really loud and sometimes there's pain inside my shoulder? I'm guessing where my shoulder bones connect to my arm, it doesn't really hurt on a regular basis in my life only when I do heavy lifting using my shoulder. The cracks are loud and my friends usually get surprised about how loud my shoulder can crack, I've been debating to try to reach out to a chiropractor friend of mine but just curious to see if anyone else has experienced this! Im also pretty skinny , below average weight if that could be a factor. Thanksny help",Anxiety +52593,"My class always laugh at me whenever I try to recite because I stutter and my answer where nonsense I have a low self-esteem, I dont have confidence and I stutter a lot. + +I cant recite during class, because I got a hard time explaining what i want to say, + +I feel worthless and devastated to the point I lost interest in my life + +I feel pathetic and I know im not worth it + +Im not smart since I always get a low grade but still manage to pass + +I feel so small despite the fact that I struggle a lot + +I have a social anxiety and depression + +But you know I try to change myself, I try to be a person who I want to be, yet I cant change myself because no one got my back, no one believe in me and support me, its hard to fight alone in this lonely and painfull battle within myself + +Then now I realize that I live my life pleasing the other people, I feel sorry for myself and life, I realize the people will never acknowledge or believe in me because in the first place they see me as a trash and stupid.... + + +I WANT TO SHOW TO THE PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT ME, WHO NEVER BELIEVE IN ME AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO NEVER SUPPORT ME THAT I CAN ACHIEVE SOMETHING IN MY LIFE.....",Anxiety +52757,,Anxiety +33948,"Eated just before deadlifting; thinking food trapped in lungs and am now going to die Happy new years everybody! + +I'm thinking I'm going to die right now. Fucking cool.",Anxiety +34523,"Hello everybody, new member here! I'm so glad I found out this sub exists. So, I haven't always had health anxiety, more generalised anxiety, but for the last 6 months I've had obsessive worrying thoughts about getting just one particular neurological disease, I'm almost afraid to say what it's called as that can be a bit of a trigger for me, let's just say it follows me everywhere, everyday and nothing I do can reassure me I'm not in danger f developing this disease. I'm also on the autistic spectrum with OCD traits so this is definitely a big factor in my anxiety. + +I'm just posting this to introduce myself and say it's good not to feel alone for once :)",Anxiety +34022,"“Hollow” feeling in chest For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had this pain/discomfort in my chest. Sometimes it’s a dull pain in the center, sometimes sharp. I also get this weird weak feeling in my chest. It feels sort of hollow. I’ll get a flutter once in a while. Weird. +I’ve had all the tests a few months ago. EKG, blood test, chest X-ray, echo. All normal. +Any ideas? I am known for being anxious about my heart and overall health. I just really want this to stop +Thanks +",Anxiety +52929,"Is this disassociation? For the past couple months now I’ve been having this weird feeling in my body like my mind and and my body are on a different course like my movements are almost robotic and my mind is losing control of my body. Ik people typically associate this with dissociation but I still feel in control and recognize and I’m mindful of the fact that I am the one controlling my movements but idk it’s hard to explain it just feels like a lack of connection between the two and at certain times it’s so bad I feel Im just going to lose control of my body completely. I’ve also been experiencing some feelings of being off balance, muscle tension, headaches, RLS, and brain fog and I’m starting to wonder if my fears really are anxiety or something worse. I saw a doctor and she told me it is probably stress related but I’m just having a hard time with all of this I’m seeing neurologist later this month but I just feel so restless and like I’m living in agony and losing my mind I wanted to see if anyone has gone through something similar and can offer any advice, Thanks.",Anxiety +51857,"Just bought magnesium glycinate… does it really work like people say it does? So as the title suggests, I bought some magnesium glycinate 400mg per serving. After reading a bunch of posts saying it works wonders with anxiety and sleep, I thought I’d have to give it a try. I want to hear some of your experiences. Did it work? Negative effects? Or is it just the “placebo effect”? Thank you! Gonna take it tonight!",Anxiety +34820,Do any of you think that your health anxiety is a form of PTSD that occurred after witnessing something happen in your life? I know mine has a lot to do with my dog having a stroke in the middle of the night when I was younger. Had to put her down that morning and the image of her near the bed and how her body was sure as hell scared me. I think I suppressed the fear for so long that my health anxiety just sort of crept up on me,Anxiety +35133,"Symptoms without any cause Hi everyone, + +Do you think it would be possible for people to have symptoms for longer times (headaches, fatigue, muscle aches) without ANY cause?",Anxiety +34457,"Awful feeling of dizziness and brain fog when standing? Just recently, I’ve been experiencing a lot of dizziness, slight heartburn + stomach aches, and heat flashes. Heat flashes aren’t exceptionally uncommon for me. I also get a lot of stomachaches. Im not too worried about those. I have bad anxiety in general to begin with, so when I started noticing (around Tuesday or so) I was getting this dizzying brain fog sort of thing I really began to freak out. + + I’ve never experienced it before and I’m worried it’s something serious. I’m chalking it up to stress right now (just had a family death, general school stress, being broke, lack of sleep, etc) but I’m really worried. It hasn’t stopped. I feel like I’m about to faint frequently. It’s weird to describe, but it’s almost like my brain is going a few steps too far ahead of my body. Sometimes vice verse. I stumble a lot when it happens and often need to hang on to something to steady myself. + +I’ve noticed this is mostly happening when I stand. It’s not as frequent or severe as when I’m laying down, which makes it really hard to get stuff done. I don’t think it’s dehydration or a lack of sleep, either. I’ve been getting 10+ hours of sleep in since it began and I’ve been drinking as much water and Gatorade as possible. + +Has anyone else experienced this? Should I be calling a doctor?",Anxiety +35761,"Worried about cancer Please help! My anxiety is out of control. I have a family history of colon cancer, and all the symptoms. I am seeing the gi doctor tomorrow. I've been in a panic for weeks and can't calm down. I keep imagining absolute worst-case scenarios. I'm so miserable and upset.",Anxiety +305,hello? buddy it's been a long time since jbjb mutual. My account still looks like an RT bot huh .. tbh lately I've been feeling tired. Anxiety always comes suddenly for no reason so I think I hate myself even more. even yesterday i got to the point where the thought of hurting myself came to my brain,Anxiety +34553,"So worried, any ideas what could be wrong? Hi everyone, so basically for the paat month i've woke up everyday with headaches, mostly tension headaches, and the feeling of pressure. I also get flashes of light in my vision, chills, and a tingly feeling going through my whole body, also pain in my arms and slight numbness in my fingers. 2 weeks ago i vomited aswell which really didn't help matters as i have a fear of vomiting. + +Im convinced i have a brain tumor but i went to the doctor and he shone a light into my eyes and said everything looked ok but i still dont believe him. I've have headaches from anxiety on and off in the past but they never lasted this long before. + +The last 2 months have been really stressful for me as my mum was in hospital with liver failure and i had to look after my dad during that time who is a schizophrenic. My anxiety was improving but this has brought me back down and i feel worse than ever. + +Does anybody know what it could be? Is it a stress reaction or could i really have a brain tumor? ",Anxiety +52416,"How do I deal with sounding nervous on the phone? I recently got a job where I am now working in an office. I recently have worked in an office environment before and had to answer phone calls, and did not experience the amount of anxiety that I am experiencing now. I believe it’s because now I have to follow a script and make sure I provide certain information and hit certain benchmarks etc. I’ve noticed that I have a lot more anxiety and stumble on my words and give wrong information and I just want to know how I can handle that and deal with it? + +This is a new job. I’ve only been here for about two weeks and maybe I’m being too hard on myself but I really want to provide the best service and show my employers that they made a good choice, so what should I do? + +Have any or do any of you guys work in an office and or working on call-center? I would love your guys advice. + +Thxxx",Anxiety +52404,"I’m scared to move away from my home city, because I will miss my parents. I want so badly to move out, and explore new things. I also don’t want to be far from my family. I have always been super close to my family, and I find comfort in living close to them. I feel anxiety just thinking about not having my mom around when I’m sad, or my dad around to talk about the hockey game. Or my grandma to talk about anything. + +I am 21, and I live on my own, but I’m still in the same city as my family, so they are right there whenever I need them. + +How can I conquer my fears, and live in a new place, and explore new things, even if it’s just for a year or two. I’ve wanted so badly to move in with a friend who has an extra spot, but again, the anxiety of being without my family is so scary. + +Thanks for taking the time to read this.",Anxiety +33989,"question regarding fingers slightly moving. Is it normal? + +Not sure if I can classify it as 'tremors' + +Basically, from what I've seen with different kinds of videos regarding tremors, it doesn't look like it. + +Let's say I put my hands in the air facing my palm, or just in the bed resting, it doesn't shake or what. + +But sometimes, if I look at them long enough, I notice it they slightly move. + +Not sure if I'm doing it voluntarily, I'm being anxious, thus, making it move, or maybe because I'm not used to holding that kind of position, it kinda moves because of it? + +If anything, I type a lot in a computer. Upon searching, I've seen that they might just been twitching due to fatigue, so maybe that's what it is? + +As much as possible, I don't want to go to a doctor just because of this. + +Thanks",Anxiety +35835,"How to handle being home alone? A couple months ago (around Christmas), my girlfriend who I live was out of town for a week, leaving me in our apartment alone. I had been fine with this in the past, but this time... It was really the first time I had any health anxiety, and it hit HARD. I felt like I couldn't breathe, felt like I was having a heart attack, worried about having cancer; all the fun problems. + +Since then, I've gotten on SSRIs and have improved a lot, but my girlfriend has to leave for another week soon. I think I'll be okay, but I'm still a little worried that my anxiety is going to come back in full force. When she's home, I have the comfort of knowing that she could take me to the hospital if anything awful happens, but I feel very vulnerable when it's just me, especially at night. I don't have any family or close friends around here, so I can't depend on that either. + +Does anybody have any tips for how to feel more safe when you're on your own? Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +52591,"Quick change in anxiety symptoms?! Hi guys, + +I've experienced anxiety for a long time now (26F), I'd say at least 8 years. Symptoms have always been tight chest, heart going a million miles an hour, the occasional panic attack. + +I've always managed it quite well, have a decent job and can interact with people fairly well. + +I've never let it stop me doing anything as then I'd feel like it has beat me. + +As of 3 weeks ago (it was literally one day fine and the next.. NOT FINE!), I got on the train to go to work and felt like I was going to throw up. My mouth was watering and heart felt like it was in my throat. At first I thought it was food poisoning and something was physically amiss. + +Even though I haven't thrown up and logic would indicate I'm not going to, it feels like I genuinely am on the verge everytime I am in a moving vehicle. + +I thought it would pass, but it's now just part of my everyday life and I'm finding it debilitating. I'm scared I'll lose my job because of it, which is feeding into the anxiety even more. The only way I can get through a train journey (or any moving vehicle for that matter) is by closing my eyes and putting on Bob Marley through my headphones. It's quite comedic but it genuinely is the only way I can slightly manage it. + +I've never enjoyed the commute and have done it for ages, but now it's became a THING. + +I have to have a plastic bag with me at all times as the urge to throw up is so real. + +Has anyone else experienced a sudden and drastic change in anxiety symptoms, how do you manage them? I'm scared I'll be this way forever.",Anxiety +52124,"Will SSRIs help me? (Anxious about sleep) + +Hello! I had a really bad insomnia last February which made me sleep every other day for a week. My sleep has been okay since my family doctor presrcibed me Hydroxyzine 10mg for sleep. Although I've been sleeping well, I now have this feat surrounding sleep. Everyday all I think about is sleep, which makes me anxious and unproductive all day. It made me lose interest on the things i used to enjoy. Even before the insomnia, I was really anxious about many things, especially my health. Do you guys think SSRIs will help me? Or i should go with therapy? Thank you!",Anxiety +35343,"Thought it might be helpful - what symptoms has your HA given you? I have seen so many helpful posts about people saying theyve had xyz from anxiety that people are fearing something serious so thought it might be useful to share the symptoms we thought were SOMETHING but that turned out to be anxiety - sorry if one exists I couldn’t find one + +Mine are + +Muscle twitches and hand tremors +Lightheaded ness +Dizzy +Feeling of feeling balance +Weird pressure in my ears +Insomnia +Or super deep sleep where I wake up feeling exhausted +Feeling “outside” myself +Feeling shaky and weak +Feeling sick +Feeling fatigued + +Apparently my slight blurry vision (most prevalent when reading text on the tv - it kind of ghosts a little) is down to anxiety too but that’s the one I’m obsessing about at the the moment and not quite convinced on! + +What symptoms have you had? ",Anxiety +720,"Isn't it weird when you suddenly enter the stage where you can't communicate with other people.. feeling lazy + anxious, it's one thing ²",Anxiety +58,oh my god why are you so nervous,Anxiety +52937,"A reminder that progress isn't linear and that's okay! I felt like my anxiety had gotten worse lately and that I had gone backwards. This made me feel extremely discouraged and a sense of doom, until I saw this quote. I wanted to share in hopes that it will help others too. Don't be so harsh on yourself, anxiety is a curse that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had any lol) + +Take care x",Anxiety +664,this is so restless oh my god what's up,Anxiety +35591,Can tension headaches kill brain cells or cause brain damage? I've been studying a ton recently. Once when I was studying I got a bad tension headache. Ever since then I've been worried that it killed my brain cells or caused damage and it's driving me crazy.,Anxiety +650,why am I the dean why huh?? I'm really nervous,Anxiety +35351,"High Heart Rate I’ve struggled with GAD especially Healthy Anxiety since Middle School. For the last 3 days, my bpm is around 130 and it’s freaking me out. I went to the doctor today and got an EKG and thing checked out just a fast pulse. I just concerned over the extended time it’s above 100. Any advice or support wouldn help. Thanks ",Anxiety +462,"Have you ever felt anxious every day because you were worried about the future, just kept thinking about it all day, to be honest, I'm really tired, I'm really tired, I just have to have a lot of ABCDEFG plans for the future, I can only say to myself ""yo, cheer up yo"" :')",Anxiety +33966,"Distraction techniques? I suffer from extreme health anxiety, my main fears being that I will spontaneously drop dead from a heart attack or stroke. If I feel my heart acting up from palpitations, or if I feel like my face feels strange, it will send me off the deep end. It's so frustrating that I fixate on this every single day. + +I would love to hear how everyone distracts themselves when they are at the peak of their anxiety. Sometimes watching a light hearted show like Family Guy helps me. A lot of times if I'm talking to a friend on the phone, I won't even notice any of my symptoms (which I take as a sign it's all in my head!). I feel like my health anxiety is the worst at night when I'm laying in bed, and all I can do is hyper focus on my body sensations. So everyone: Let's hear how you deal with it in the moment!",Anxiety +50,Sensitive feelings make the heart restless.,Anxiety +52376,"Feeling Sick triggers anxiety and depression I have been finally getting better after starting therapy and the new med. However, my whole family is sick and I finally got sick after a 2 weeks of being surrounded by them. + +My anxiety has increased and my mood is worse, been feeling like I am going to relapse and get back to the old anxious and depressed me, but deep down I know I won't relapse. I did notice it is only in the morning and it only has been happening this week. + +Is it normal to feel more anxious and have more depressed thoughts when you are sick.",Anxiety +34149,"Possible rabies exposure? We have a problem with animals getting into our trash, one of the wonderful perks of living so close to the woods. To make a long story short I fear that I somehow brought some wild animal saliva back onto a trashcan in my house, a trash can that I touched with an open cut on one of my fingers. + +This seems like i'm over reacting but i'm just so worried about the possibility of somehow having exposed myself to rabies. Manly because of how scary the despise is. Because by the time you know for sure that you have it, your dead. + +Do you think i'm overreacting?",Anxiety +306,-11fess starts again every night is restless :)))),Anxiety +34818,"HA Person's Worst Nightmare, But I'm Coping A little about me: I'm vegan, fit, try to avoid processed foods, chemicals, only have monogamous relationships, never had a 1 night stand, etc. I have had health anxiety since I was 19 when I worked in an ER and saw all the terrible things that happen to people. + +So this past weekend I went to a college reunion with people I hadn't seen in 7 years. We went out one night and a friend asked if I smoked, I said no. He handed me his vape and said try this. I did, and hit it a few more times through out the night. + +Well at the end of the reunion weekend he revealed to a friend that he had been HIV+ for several years and currently has his virus controlled and undetectable. + +But needless to say it was a very stressful drive home. I had one of the worst HA freak outs I have had in years and didn't eat for 48 hours I was so nervous. I could hardly get out of bed! + +Thankfully, I have been reassured that HIV is not passed via saliva -- even though I've what if'ed the hell out of the situation. Of course I will still test to confirm, but I learned so much about HIV in particular through this experience, which has helped mitigate my anxiety. ",Anxiety +34332,"New to this Hey all, +I’m new to Reddit but some recent health concerns have made me feel like I should reach out to some objective people for my situation. I’m 24 years old and before a little over a week ago, I thought I was in great health. A little over a week ago I started noticing heart palpitations (didn’t know what it was called for a while) and chest pain. I thought this would just go away but it didn’t after a couple of days. Then I had my first and second ever anxiety attacks. These were scary but I felt like I was anxious about my palpitations because they lasted all day and night. My pulse was constantly 20 bpm faster than it used to be, and the chest ache and pain lasted almost 24 hours. I’ve seen doctors and nurses and I’ve had a chest X-ray, blood work, and CT done and they didn’t find anything abnormal. I’ve been tracking my blood pressure as well and it’s constantly in the 150/90 range and today (during a snow day) Ive been laying in bed and the pain and palpitations are feeling worse than ever and my BP was 160/110 and my pulse 105. I had a Holter monitor and I’m waiting to hear the results. I also started seeing a counselor. I don’t consciously feel anxious, and my symptoms last all day and all night. I’m waiting for my next doctors appointment but I’m just reaching out because I feel worse day after day and just wanted to see if anyone else has been through something similar to this. + +Thanks",Anxiety +65,"I don't like worrying, I don't like wehhh!",Anxiety +52470,"I had an anxiety attack and tried to write my feelings in the form of a poem. The Test + +As the test looms closer, my heart starts to race, +It gets difficult to breath, and I'm not ready to face. +I try to focus on studying, but my thoughts are a haze, +Time passes as I stare the page, and now I don't have enough days. + +I have set some expectations, and I can't see myself fail, +In a state of denial, isn't there anything I can do to pervail. +I push myself harder, but the pressure starts to assail. +I wanna just give up, but a part of me doesn't let me abstain. + +The pen feels so heavy, and I can't sustain, +My hands are trembling, my confidence is waning. +I'm incompetent, or maybe this exam is worth nothing, +It doesn't matter, right now it's the only thing for which I'm livin' +Who knows what'll happen if I fail,It's not easy living as someone not winning. + +Yeah and then I failed in 2 subjects out of 5",Anxiety +52891,"4 years ago I wasnt showering for months at a time, depressed, anxious and paranoid. At the time I was sober going on 18, 19 years. I was, and am on disability since 09' for schizoaffective bipolar type disorder. + +For the longest time, especially since sobriety, I've been overwhelmed with thinking. Space, time, behavior, tornadoes...whatever. + +But, since my life was an unmanaged train wreck I had no confidence in myself as having any quality. It seems that feeling good about yourself comes from a well managed life. + + +My last job was as a janitor on the army base near by roughly 5 years ago. I couldnt handle the pressure. I was so dependant on others for everything I was asking if I was sweeping properly. Very bad mindset. A lady mentioned crying and it made me feel like crying. I didnt understand how that could be. It seemed like witchcraft, so to speak. That was my last day at my last job. It was my 4th attempt to go back to work since my disability badge acquisition! + +I've been in therapy for 16 or 17 years ago I got into therapy from a mental health episode. During that visit at the crisis stabilisation unit in Virginia (Fredricksburg) I met a man that changed my life. He went by the name Bose Uncle. He taught me a breathing exercise. 3 in 6 out. You breath in deep for 3 seconds roughly then out for 6 seconds. Also roughly. Dont try to be specific like me and do it exactly 3 and 6. + +On down the road, life and me under pressure and practicing my breathing because sufferage bleep blop bloop, pandemic. Overwhelming, unadulteraded pain in the brain from an anxiety I'd never expierenced before I saw a vision. It seemed to be the exact same thing that happened to Bill Wilson from AA. A wind blew through me. His words. My words on it are, I was no longer a bound up point in time and space holding on to the memories from the stimulation from the moment. I was free from the tension that came about from the fucking utter bullshit that exists. I let it go. The moment. I stopped holding and figuring. + +&#x200B; + +It was like my being afraid got wore out. I remember specifiaclly saying to myself at the height of my pain in a ridgid bodily posture laying in my recline, ""bullshit."" I calle dbullshit on my old beliefs. That old fire and brimstone god. Intstead I chose ""my concept"" of life as my God. My ideas are good to. Changed life. + + +About six months later I nearly died from pancreatitis. When I got home from 6 days in the hospital I shared it on facebook. I received a good number of get well soon messages as expected. I did not get what I thought I would. People coming to visit, bringing me food...all that. I nearly fucking died. I know hundreds of people. What does that mean? My perception is fucked up, my beghhvior is fucked up, I need to change. + + +I did not think that way at first. At first I thought, ""I fucking hate everyone."" For a while. + +Then 6 months later, I got diagnosed with autism. April 24th 2021. + + +6 months later after learning to relax, I rested on my heels for the first time in my life. This began the second chapter of my life. The taking my time portion. The I am the most impotant person in my life to me. You all come second. For ever. I no longer run to the kitchen, the bathroom, through the grocery store, drive fast, or move my limbs fast. I have even taken control of my eyes speed of movement. + + +Did you know that your body can control your mind. If you dont control your body your body will be controlled by your environment throught the mind. + + +You receive stimulus simply due to being a sensing being. This moves you. If you are not aware of it. Make yourself aware of this and take control of your body, the way you look, smell, move (behavior speed) amplitude of voice ...total bodily control and you can eliminate a great deal of your own suffering. I havew come off my depression meds and greatfully have finally been more aptly medicated with litium. Now I dont have to force myself into slow mo behavior but I do stay aware I think from a bit of fear. + + +You can control your thinking! + + +You can control your thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +&#x200B; + +I wish I could impress upon whomever needs it that the pause in conversation is ok. Moving the body oddly slow is not odd. Not speaking is an answer. And, you dont owe a motherfucker a goddamn thing if it stresses you out. + + Peace in east!",Anxiety +52704,"Anyone else out there with cardiophobia? Think I've accepted now I've got pretty bad cardiophobia. + +Get every manner of symptom missed beats, fast HR at rest, dizzy, sick, lightheaded, legs feeling heavy, sometimes stabbing chest pain. + +Had a million heart tests all normal. + +What symptoms do you guys get? How did it all start for you? And what has actually helped you get out of this hole of being scared of your own heart? + +It's insane to even remember what it was like just going about your day and not thinking every slight physical symptom is your heart about to stop beating.",Anxiety +52827,"Everything in my life is great, but why do I feel so anxious? Whenever the anxiety isn’t heightened, I’m able to enjoy my life. I’m proud of myself and my accomplishments. I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me. I’m excited with where my career is going. I have a great life. But I feel so intensely anxious that it affects everything. The physical symptoms, ancillary feelings of depression, OCD tendencies. I wish I could just let all of that go and enjoy my life to the fullest. I’ve been in therapy for a long time but never tried meds. I’m nervous to start, but thinking more and more that it’s a good option.",Anxiety +195,Do not compare yourself to others. Envy only makes restless soul. Be yourself.,Anxiety +52300,"Why can't I stop thinking about death Every time I find myself having fun or being in love with someone, I can't help but think about how one day they'll die. It robs me of all joy.",Anxiety +53023,"Are SSRI side effects dose dependent? For example, is one more likely to experience side effects the higher the dose or the bigger the increase in dose?",Anxiety +35041,"Fitbit heart monitor is terrible for my health anxiety. I had a panic attack in Oct. It lasted for 12 hours. I ended up in the emergency room. Had blood work, ECG, and chest xray. Everything came back good. In fact I wasn't even worried I could have a heart condition until I was checked for it. + +After that I was convinced something was wrong with my brain. I thought I had a brain tumor, stroke, etc. After a while I calmed down on that, still going to see a neurologist though, because I suffer from a swaying dizziness when I'm anxious. + +Now I'm obsessed about my heart. I got a fitbit for my birthday and I religiously check my heart rate all day long. Checking it makes it spike. If I'm resting I can usually get it down to the 60s, but if I keep checking it it spikes up in the 90s. When walking around it ranges from (had palpitations typing this) 110-140 depending on how anxious I am. If I don't look at it it goes down, if I do man oh man does it rise. During a panic attack it was 150. I sat down and calmed myself down and it dropped to 100. Blahhhhh.",Anxiety +52324,"I find it so frustrating as a highly anxious and depressed person to do career tests because they rely on your passion for specific activities and I find myself answering ""I dislike it very much"" to the various questions (e.g,. working in construction, healthcare, finance, whatever). I've been trying to get back to work again because it seems my severe depression and anxiety won't go away and there is only so much medication and therapy can help me. Of course, I haven't tried every kind of therapy but what had been offered to me at low cost. But I've tried many medications. + +Anyhow, I feel very frustrated because after trying couple of online part time jobs (like writing marketing stuff on websites) and finding myself not motivated enough to work sufficient hours to make ends meet, I'm trying to start from zero again and do some career tests to find what motivates me. But those tests don't offer some magical information but just rely on what you're passionate about. Like they give you 50 questions and ask you how much you like doing different activities, like installing cabinets, diagnosing disease in people, giving financial advice to someone wanting to get a loan, helping a disabled person get dressed, playing a musical instrument in front of an audience, taking care of sick animals, etc etc etc. + +I hate them ALL! None of these activities excite me. Because having a job is always about what others expect of you. But mental illness sucks so much of your energy that there is so little left for the job. + +Like if I'm a cashier, my high anxiety and depression and the various thoughts and emotions and physical symptoms I experience will take so much of my energy to control and nothing left to put on a smile and make a customer feel welcome and at the same time do my job of scanning items very quickly and correctly. + +That's why I've been trying to find jobs that are just online and things I can do on my own time, so that whenever the damned mental health issues give me a break then I can do the job. The problem is there are too many people doing these jobs and they pay so little that I've had to start looking at other options. + +Damn it, I don't know what I want to hear from you, to be honest, I mean I already am so filled with self-hatred and hatred for the world, I am working myself into anger just writing about it.",Anxiety +52686,I have trouble convincing myself that my friends really love me when I know they do Brain always tells me that they secretly hate me when I know that they don’t. Any advice for me to reassure myself effectively? Any would help!,Anxiety +52169,"Physical health issues and mental health issues Feel like giving up. I wish I had someone to give me a hug and tell me it’s gonna be okay but everyone’s given up on me. + +Feel like I’m having so many issues… it’s like life is telling me to get the hint. + +Sorry for anyone going through anything similar, I hope you’re stronger than me.",Anxiety +52793,"Clozapine Hi, recently my psychiatrist replaced my old meds with Clozapine, I've been feeling quite bad with it and she refuses to change it, as far as I know it isn't used a lot to treat anxiety and/or depression(my only two diagnosis), I'd want to know your experiences with it or if my silly psychiatrist is messing up.",Anxiety +52187,"Struggling at the momen I have no idea what has caused this change. I’m anxious 95% of the time. Anything and everything is triggering me even a simple word will set me off. I’m scared of everything and I’m really low. I wake feeling anxious, this morning was horrible. I feel very shaky to. I feel like I can’t turn anywhere at the moment. I think I’ve managed to annoy everyone with my anxiety and stupidity. Nobody wants to hear me rant on about my problems but my head is getting more and more full by the day. I’m having counselling but I’m not sure it’s doing much. I really need someone to talk to. Spoke with the GP today, they are increasing my tablets again. I have no idea what the change was or has been. I just know I’m in a real spot at the moment",Anxiety +34783,"Anxie-tips. Or not really. Just a story of my anxiety and how im not taking shit from it anymore Eight years ago, i was diagnosed with chronic anxiety. That time, i shrugged it off thinking, ""hey, this is normal, right? Everyone gets anxious sometimes. This will go away, right?"" Wrong. Here i am, eight years later, cringing at past me for even thinking that anxiety goes away like a seasonal flu. + +I spent some time going through therapy sessions, and while those helped, they didnt really cure me of my anxiety*, because for people like me, anxiety is ever-present -- an annoying, unwanted companion i am eternally cuffed with. + +I struggled battling anxiety for a long time. It was hard to be a fully-functional human when every speedbump looked like a giant boulder in the middle of the road. Instead of looking for ways around it, my focus was on the speedbump-boulder and how impossible it was to conquer it. Anxiety paralyzed me and made me feel like i was always bound to fail. + +The smallest tasks would sometimes trigger anxiety and panic. I would cross the road planning my funeral because what if the bus hits me? I would get invited to parties, and yes i craved to socialize, but i would bail because what if i spill the drink and make a mess of myself? Public speaking was the worst subject ever, because that triggered so much what-ifs. I was sweating with just the thought of mispronouncing words and forgetting my lines. There were days when i thought i was perfectly fine, then i would be attacked by constant panic and pressure that took away my ability to function, and i would shut myself in, because anxiety was crippling that way. + +I quit a lot of things in my life -- school, jobs, relationships -- some, i didnt even get to start, all because i worried i wasnt good enough. I was scared of taking a course i wanted because what if i couldnt find a job after i graduated? I couldnt take these programs because what if i fail them and i had to retake them? I resigned from my teaching job because i feared no one would take my subjects the following year, that i might not be a good enough instructor. I was scared to build relationships and would stop talking to people i really liked or wanted to be friends with, because what if they dont understand me? + +Because that was what i felt, that no one understood me. I craved validation and support, but instead, some of the people i cared about left me for being ""over-dramatic"" and a ""cry-baby,"" only because they didnt understand what i was going through. Well, same. How could i blame them when i myself couldnt understand it? + +After years of battling anxiety, i got fed up with it and i internally told it to fuck off. It didnt. But i knew i had to do something about it, or else, i wouldnt be able to really live. I knew that there was only so much i could do to help myself. So i did. I read self-help books, which, if i would be honest, really didnt help that much because they all say the same things i already knew (still good reminders, though). I started reaching out to my fellow anxious people and asked for advice, because, you know, it takes one to know one, and they were the best people to talk to if i wanted to really get myself. Little by little, i gained confidence about who i was and what i was capable of. It took years and a lot of hard work, but i learned so much, and i couldnt be any more thankful to the people who helped me and made me feel a little better about myself. + +Fast forward to a few years later. I cant say that i dont get anxious anymore. After all, anxiety is already a big chunk of who i am. Maybe i just learned a few tricks to manage it somehow. Or maybe it just doesnt scare me as much as it did before. + +The fact is, there is no one-size-fits-all approach in managing anxiety. Some people fight their anxiety. Some people try to ignore it. If it works for you, then it must be for you. But if there's one thing i realized for myself, it's that fighting my anxiety is a losing battle, so i embrace it instead. I take a break. I breathe. I ground myself to my surroundings. This way, i know that i have control of the environment im in. I recognize the situation and try as much as possible to think logically. I acknowledge the facts, and while i cant really do anything about my emotions, i talk about the situation to the people who care to listen. If im alone, i express what upsets me through writing. I walk. I go for a run. Not to try to escape the situation, but to shake off the excess nerves. I look back to what makes me anxious and assess what i can do about it. If i need to take a break and feel the emotions as they happen, i allow myself a few hours, or maybe a few days to let it run its course. I think to myself, ""it will pass."" It always does. + +To my fellow anxious people, you got this. It is a hard road, and you may sometimes feel alone, but youre not. Be kind to yourselves. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to rest, take as much break as you need. If it's too much to bear alone, seek help. + +To everyone else, anxiety thrives in a person's inability to take control of a situation. When someone feels lost, it is important that they feel secured, heard, and validated. This is why it is important to show kindness and compassion to everyone. + + +(*Disclaimer: Im not saying that people should ditch therapy like i did. It just didnt work for me, but im sure it helps others. Please, please go/continue going to therapy if you feel that it helps.)",Anxiety +35337,"'Ice-Pick Headaches / year long' Hey! + +So I was wondering whether some of you could help me out. For the last year, I have been experiencing a weird sensation at the back/top of my head, the closest thing I can describe it to being an 'Ice-Pick Headache'. Originally, I was having it a few times a week, and I would get these sensations a few times a day, lasting only 2-5 seconds. However, this has now reduced to once a week on average. During the last year, I have been to the doctors about this issue a few times, mentioning the almost 'pinching' sensation that occurs. However, on none of these occasions have any follow-up appointments been scheduled, each doctor suggesting there is absolutely nothing to worry about and suggesting they could be a symptom of anxiety or tension. For a few months, it hasn't worried me as much but has been in the back of my head (quite literally!), and I decided to make another appointment for today. Again, I was told the same thing, but was prescribed with an anti-inflammatory medicine. + +Have any of you experienced similar symptoms, and do you have any advice? + +fyi, 21 year old male who has never had real issues with headaches/migraines. + +Much appreciated.",Anxiety +34097,"just wanted to vent been having a stuffy nose and slight cough these past couple of days, and just a couple hours ago I've been feeling weird with a headache and fatigue. I'm scared I'm going to get sick and throw up later, and I was searching my symptoms up and diabetes is a possible condition, which is something I've thought I had before. To make matters worse, I ate some ice cream and nutella today (when i say some i mean a lot lol rip). I'm also afraid I have heart disease or something because I have a sedentary lifestyle. I've been walking everyday for 30 minutes for the past couple of weeks, but today I skipped because I wasn't feelin it. Just wanted to vent.",Anxiety +35163,"I think I am a textbook case of health anxiety. So, this all starts about 5 weeks ago. I had strange discomfort in my side's and went to the gp when they didn't seem to get better. She ordered a full blood work and also gave me a physical examination. Bloods came back completely fine with only a slightly elevated pancreas enzyme ( base is 100 mine was 107 ) and for some unknown reason to myself and to the doctor I convinced myself I had pancreatic cancer. Ever since the discomfort has shifted from my side's to the top of my abdomen and I obsess over every little niggle I feel. I'm constantly poking at my glands in my neck ( 5 years ago i also convinced myself I had lymphoma ) and now I'm checking every little thing my body does. They gave me CA19.9 blood test ( used to detect tumour growth in pancreatic cancer cases ) and mine was 6.1 ( normal health person is between 1-35 ) so that should have made me feel better, it didn't. They then sent for an ultrasound which showed everything looks exactly like it should. I've literally heard from 6 doctors now mostly at the accident and emergency department, they are 99.9% I don't have pancreatic cancer and that I probably have gastritis. So I'm getting a camera down my throat next month to test for that. + +No matter how many times they said I was ok I just keep thinking they're wrong. Something is wrong. I know my body and this doesn't feel right. I did loose some weight and my appetite went away but has since come back. So how they're throwing all these anti anxiety drugs my way: + +Diazapam - 10mg +Propanalol - 10mg +Olanzapine - 20mg, 10mg and 5mg ( depending how bad I feel at the time ) + +I'm not having restful sleeps constantly struggling to distract myself. + +I just want some advice. The kind of advice from someone who's been through this rabbit hole.... I just don't know what to do... + +I'm sorry if the post makes little sense I'm writing it on my phone and I'm not the most educated person in the world. + +I should also note I've been suffering from social anxiety since I was 10. + +Thank you for your time.",Anxiety +35837,"HIV and testing Hello! + +I had sex 21 of december and after 66 days (25 february) I went and tested myself and it showed negative, should I test myself again? I'm worried I still might have it :(",Anxiety +34834,"IBS and Other GI Issues...Anyone Else? It's so crazy to me, kind of comforting, that there are 10.8 thousand subscribers. I feel slightly better knowing I'm not alone. + +So onto the issue at hand. I was diagnosed with IBS four years ago. Ever since I have had different episodes of constipation and diarrhea and like such intense gas discomfort that I could feel the spasms in my intestines. I've had an ultrasound to give me peace of mind that my abdomen is clear of anything sketchy. + +About a week ago I had an outpatient procedure done and needed to take a high dose of antibiotics. 1000mg of aziththromycin. Well, I have been so constipated and I mean my water intake hasn't been the best, I have been super stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, my diet hasn't been great...it's been mostly in n out, pizza, etc...and yesterday I started feeling this weird pressure/uncomfortable pain in my actual butt. Like the same muscles I use to pee operates that back there too I think and it feels just not great when I pee or sit down too hard, etc. Has anyone ever felt this way? I've been able to pass a little bit of poo but not much. Really trying to talk myself off the anxiety ledge thinking of bowel cancer, or if the fibroid I just found out about 5 days ago might have super grown and impacted my colon...I am a straight mess guys. Any input would be great. ",Anxiety +34986,"Has anyone’s anxiety gave them upper back pains? 23F. I am currently dealing with upper back pains (specifically in between and around my shoulder blades) and I have no idea the cause. I don’t work out, nor I barely lift anything more than 5lbs. I work in retail, the most my body ever hurts is when I finally sit down and my feet. I sleep in the same left side position I have been for the last 2 years or so and this also helped out with my gastric issues. I’m not sure if it’s my posture, but I can’t disagree that it could be. But, I get no relief when I straighten my back. This pain/ache does have the tendency to migrate between left and right, spreads out in a line, and seems to never go past 1/2 inch of my shoulder blades. + +The most that has changed in the last two months was my health anxiety, brought on because I thought I had esophageal cancer (spoiler: I don’t) and was actually suffering from an abnormal narrowing of my esophagus and was later discovered that I also had a mild case of gastritis and duodenitis that was **definitely** caused by my anxiety. Back to normal, lab work said that I had no infection or pre-cancerous tissue with a follow up of a barium swallow tomorrow. I got over and past my anxiety towards esophageal (and stomach) cancer. + +But, my upper back pain is starting to trigger me badly because I can’t stop switching between “you have lung cancer”... “nope, it’s pancreatic cancer”....“lung cancer”....”pancreatic cancer” and so on and so forth. I started checking for jaundice, my breathing, my lymph nodes, WebMD’ing/Mayo Clinic’ing, the whole sha-bang. The upper back pain came on roughly last week during a horrible nausea and vomiting episode for not taking my PPI. Most of my body went to normal, but my back didn’t. It doesn’t really help that during my episode... my entire back spazzed and stiffened up when I was laying down on my back. Didn’t stop until I managed to turn to my side. Yesterday, I panicked so badly that I made an appointment with a counselor, a psychiatrist, and a physician. + +**TL;DR:** I have migrating upper back pains for ~2 weeks, no known cause from what I know. Bad HA in the last 2 months. I’m becoming fearful that it’s between pancreatic and/or lung cancer. + +_I’m just trying to live my best life..._ + +",Anxiety +34475,"Ridiculously anxious about my teeth it’s making me miserable. Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I’ve had health anxiety for around 3 years now but have only just joined reddit and thought I’d search to see if such a subreddit exists and it does. + +So yeah, I’ve had HA for 3 years. It was severely bad 3 years ago, I had a lot of stress going on but I managed to get it under control. I used to be so bad, any pain or symptom I panicked and I can’t even count the amount of times I called 999 or 111 (I’m in the UK) and had ambulances come out for me. I was at the doctors almost 3 times a week. + +Everything has been fine until recently, under a lot of stress again. A lot of uncertainty in my life and may have to uproot and leave my home (for like the 15th time in the past 3 years). Ever since the stress, the HA has crept back in. Right now, I’m petrified and convinced that I’m going to lose my two front teeth. + +I haven’t been to see a dentist in the last 5 years since they gave me 2 fillings and I had such excruciating pain afterwards for a few months whenever I drank or ate something too hot or cold I had awful pain up the side of my face. Something as simple as changing my tooth paste fixed it and I haven’t had it since. But I haven’t been in 5 years and I think that itself is what scares me. I’m not even registered at a dentist, I’m going to call round tomorrow morning to register. + +My problem is, I am convinced that my 2 front teeth wobble. Well not wobble, but they definitely move if I hold onto the tooth with my thumb and index finger and try to move each tooth. I can ever see it in the mirror (I think). It’s only slight and it’s not wobbling or twisting or anything like that. But that’s enough to have convinced me that I’m doomed and my teeth will fall out. I smoke so I think that’s contributing to the fear. Plus I suffer from depression so I haven’t brushed as often as I should because I neglect myself. + +Has anyone else had any similar issues in relation to anxiety about their teeth? Are teeth supposed to move if you try to move them with your fingers? I did a google search (awful I know, I promised myself I would stop doing this) and all the results were about gum disease or forums where people put as the header ‘I lost my front teeth!’ So that’s terrified me even more. + +My gums seem fine, they don’t hurt, they aren’t red. They bleed when I brush sometimes but that’s when im really rough at brushing. If I’m gentle and brush properly, no blood. I’m so terrified I’m already acting like they’ve fallen out. Ive even been thinking that I wish they would just fall out at least then I could be like okay, so now I need to get this sorted. But the whole worrying that it might happen is a nightmare. I’ve been spending the past week either crying uncontrollably or sleeping so I don’t have to think about it. That is of course unless I have a dream where my teeth fall out which I dream about quite frequently. + +Sorry that this is so long. I’ve never really spoken about my HA before. Nobody ever seemed to get it and my doctor is in no way supportive or understanding, just acts like I’m annoying them. My family don’t get it either. My mum actually told me I was deranged when I was in the middle of an intense panic attack a few years back. + +Thank you all for reading. I hope that everyone is well. Any responses will be greatly appreciated. ",Anxiety +52779,"What can be the cause and treatment for daily panic/anxiety attack? 27M Long story short, I'm dealing with mental health for 20 years now and for the last six months or so I have almost every day a panic attack since waking till evening. +I see a psychiatrist and psychologist and recently started a new job. + +I know I have my issues but can't wrap my head around having so much anxiety it's net getting better or easier with time. + +Usually when im in peak anxiety i go on a few hours listening to music and crying in a dark room bender while smoking to much In the process... + +I do meditation a trying to walk 2-3 hours a day but I fucking hate sports and I'm lazy... + +Thank you I felt the need to vent sorry for shitty English",Anxiety +35566,"Buspar, how long? I started taking 7.5 mg of Buspar twice daily as of this Wednesday. I know it's probably too soon to expect relief from it yet. But for those that have taken it, in your experience how long before you felt a difference? I'm really struggling w/crippling anxiety but I keep reminding myself the medicine takes time to buildup and to be patient. ",Anxiety +34241,"Pretty bad anxiety towards taking meds with a possibility to prolong QT. Help. [Warning: this post got much, MUCH longe r than I anticipated. Sorry to however actually reads this entire essay.] + +So, I have a psychiatrist who recently prescribed me sertraline (for chronic depression/ptsd) and trazodone (for sleep) but I actually haven't taken either. This specific phobia started like 1-1 1/2 yrs ago I think. I had walking pneumonia a few weeks ago and absolutely had to take antibiotics and Holy shit, my anxiety was thru the roof every time I was time to take it. I was absolutely convinced my QT interval was significantly prolonged and I was going to die in my sleep! I feel like I narrowly escaped death after I finished the course. Which is ridiculous. + +I have had ekgs countless times, probably like over 10 times (ftr I'm only 18 and only started getting them in the last two years) and for the most part, were completely 100% normal (shocker).... excluding this one time during my purging like 3x a day and keeping literally nothing down phase where my hearts repolarization phase fucked beyond belief. + +Actually I'm just going to talk about that a little because the anxiety still plagues me. my heart was physically rattling / shaking in my chest with every beat, like it was unsure of how to beat normally. it was incredibly scary, I think I experienced what I believe was possibly a very brief arrhythmia. at first I thought it may have been a minor seizure (which wouldn't be that unrealistic, as purging (electrolyte disturbances such as hypokalemia, hypomagnesemia, and hypocalcemia.), sleep deprivation (I had stayed up all night), physical activity while literally running on empty (we were inside playing basketball when it all started) and of course hypoglycemia (essentially not-eating will do that to ya) all lower the seizure threshold, and also how i might have had a seizure once back when I was abusing dxm constantly which of course predisposes you to future seizures) because of how disoriented I got and how everything became slow motion, almost similar to the time distortion one would get on a psychedelic. + +......but that didn't explain how my heart rate was reaching 140 (for the record, throughout the last 2ish years that I have been measuring it, it has always, always sat at a comfy 55-60 while not using HR-raising drugs such as dxm or speed) when I got it taken in the nurses office in the psychiatric facility, and how I felt like I was about to die. When I went and got that ekg I believe actually traumatized me in a way. + +Coming fairly close to death (which has actually happened to me a numerous times, with my purging phase, over exercising phase (I actually kept a fucking exercise bike in my tiny ass room and legit would use it non stop for 3-5 hours to burn off literally everything I ate and then some, feeling proud when my net calories for the day ended up in the negative. it was bad, real bad) restriction phase (I have eaten less than 500 calories / day for months at a time, several times, in fact I can feel a restriction phase coming on, as I am pushing myself to not eat, God I hate being eating disordered, but st this point it's a safety blanket after I've been dealing with this shit day n day out since 13 yrs old me first decided to eat like 100 calories a day for 2 or 3 months (can't rmmbr) cos I was obese. Cant really remember if I started out with disordered thinking and intentions, or if it just was a crash diet-turned weird obsession and addiction to weight loss. and also, this one non eating disorder related time I was riding in a car with my mom maybe 1 1/2 years ago , legit almost got tboned (we would have been hit on my/her side of the car, had we been just 2 seconds slower getting through the intersection, that person would have hit us. oddly enough, she was panicking, yet I f elt absolutely nothing, no adrenaline, no fear, nothing. I attribute that to how I learned to dissociate from everything at. A young age due to my father's husband abusing us constantly (lol dissociation as a coping mechanism is cool (not)) + +I wholeheartedly believe I could have died if I continued with the purging (I still get extreme anxiety when I analyze that specific ekg I know I should throw it out but I just can't, I am a person who is very much into record keeping). I feel like I am not actually alive, that I died months / years ago, and this is maybe purgatory. I alternate between genuinely feeling like I should truly not be / am not actually alive, because of all of this shit. Not sure if that's connected to the ptsd or what. I mean, I was dxd with major depressive disorder with psychotic features, at one point. God my life is a nightmare. I so desperately wish to take the place of a normal person Ie didn't have an abusive biological father, isn't a piece of shit drug addict, doesn't harm themselves via eating habits and excessive exercise, doesn't have all these stupid ridiculous mental things. (how did my life end up like this.......) I fantasize about it alot. Normal people with normal lives take that shit for granted. It angers me. They just don't understand how goddamn lucky they fucking are, Holy fucking shit. + +(Oops, sorry for the going off on a total tangent. That happens to me sometimes.) + +Anyway...How do I get over this.... I honestly would not take any med like that on a daily basis unless I had an at home ekg that I could use like 12 times a day. Actually, every time I discontinued an Ssri or antipsychotic it as because I could ""sense"" that my QT interval was prolonged. Even if the drug was helping me. It's horrible. I have a cardiologist appointment soon because I got minor chest pains during exercise a few weeks ago. Which doesn't sound particularly bad, but that, coupled with the knowledge of the fact that many people can have silent heart attacks and asymptomatic arrhythmias, it's downright terrifying. I am scared about what I might find out, if I mayhaps did permanent, structural, unfixable damage to my heart muscle from a only a several month long bulimic episode, and am now much, much more vulnerable to cardiac events.... I almost don't want to go. + +Now what's weird about this phobia, is that I currently am using Xanax at night and meth during the day and I'm also a smoker. Its weird how those three things are pretty not-good for you, yet I have less anxiety about smoking a cig or a bowl of meth than taking an anti depressant???!??? + +It's so irrational and honestly I believe it's an ocd thing as I also tend to take my blood pressure 4-20 times a day (no fucking joke) and weigh my self constantly and also check my pulse to see if my heart rhythm is ""normal"" about 10x a day. My blood pressure is so good that even as I am fucking high out of my mind on meth and just smoked a cig, the highest it goes is like 130/85 (which, insanely and funnily enough, is still probably lower than like 70% of Americas blood pressure, lmao), which is just slightly hypertensive. It's normally, with only the Cigs and no meth, like 90/60, sometimes even like 85/57, no lie. I attribute it to my whole food/plant based diet. I'm not really sure why I still compulsively take my BP. But anyway This anxiety is destroying me. I really do think I need to be on an SSRI or something, but I guarantee I could not even take a single benadryl without panicking hardcore. + +So. Does anyone deal with this fear of an abnormal heart rhythm specifically? I just wonder how common it is. And how people deal with it. (/end Xanax fueled rant about my mental issues. I would be shocked if anyone actually reads this entire essay)",Anxiety +52964,"Why can't I believe what the doctors tell me? I (26 M) am super frustrated with myself, today I had a cardiologist appointment bc I have palpitations sometimes and my heart races randomly when I have acid reflux. The cardiologist did some blood pressure/pulse checks to rule out POTS and said I was fine on that front. The EKG came back great and he said my heart was in excellent shape. I even asked him to order a take home monitor for me just for some peace of mind and he was ok with that. I had an echocardiogram done about 1 year ago with a different cardiologist and everything came back great. Now as I get home from the doctor my anxious brain gets to plotting and is now worrying that ""He didn't order you another echocardiogram what if he's missing something"". My rational brain believes and trusts this doctor very much, but the anxiety part of my brain just wants to create more worry for any reason it can find. Can anyone give me some advice or insight? Is there even any Medical reason I would need a second echocardiogram 1 year later? I assume it detects defects that have been there probably from birth so a second one is probably pointless but it's hard to tell my anxious brain that. I Just want to believe the doctors when they give me positive news and believe that I'm fine. + +Edit: I should note I am very aware that I have health anxiety and I am currently in therapy for it already, It still bugs me though.",Anxiety +35605,"For HA Sufferers with different anxieties than mine... I have very distinct HA fears (STI’s namely) so whenever someone talks about brain tumors or aneurysm’s I just can’t relate. This is refreshing because it reminds me of how other people feel when they hear me talk about my complex theories of how I might be ill. This isn’t minimizing what anyone else is saying, but this forum does provide me with a really good perspective on my own issues. Thank you to everyone who is willing to be vulnerable on here... having HA is painful, and opening up about it is even more painful. ",Anxiety +35787,"How often do you guys bug your Docs? I feel like in the last 8 months or so I've been calling with new issues every couple weeks. I'm afraid I could be developing a reputation at the office. I'm trying to not be such a bug, but my anxiety is high and I have legitimate concerns. I am about to call once again, and thought, maybe I would feel better about being such a bug if I hear that other people bug their docs as well. So, how often are you guys buggin the docs?",Anxiety +35416,"I can't remember a day when I wasn't worried about dying... Hi all: + +I'm a 26yo male that's been suffering from health anxiety for pretty much ever it seems. I've run the gauntlet of tests, doctor visits, and scans with my results always coming back negative, yet I'm never satisfied. I always have this sneaking suspicion I'm the 0.1% that is sick and doctors cannot diagnose. + +For the past 2.5 years I've had a swollen lymph node ~1cm on the side of my neck, and lower on my neck I can feel multiple squishy, tinier lymph nodes. I've had ultrasounds many times, and even a biopsy for a swollen node in my groin that came back negative for anything strange. Today I found a swelling in my armpit and now I'm in crisis mode once again. + +Every day with this feels like a battle; I must constantly convince myself that I'm healthy when deep down, part of me believes I'm not. Every time I think I've made progress it all comes rushing back in like the tide and I'm completely derailed again. I'm so fed up with this and it's clearly no way to live. I never think about the future at all because I can't picture lasting long enough to have a future. + +I know this is kind of a rambling wall of text, I just needed to get this out somewhere because everyone I talk to in my personal life just tells me what to do to feel better. To change my thoughts, to eat healthier, to be more active, yet when these thoughts occur it's like I'm completely overwhelmed and I don't feel like I have a choice. + +I guess that's it.",Anxiety +473,"Actually, I'm just happy to be happy right now, but yeah, I really like being nervous all of a sudden",Anxiety +35325,"I think I have cancer I use tobacco (chewing) and there is a white patch on my gum, it came there yesterday + +I'm paranoid add and scared shitless + +Is there a subreddit that diagnoses cancer??",Anxiety +35057,"Fear of allergic reactions Over the past few months I have developed a fear of allergic reactions. It has become so bad that I will start to feel allergy symptoms after taking almost anything. Right now I am panicking after taking gaviscon of all things! As soon as i took it, i started feeling itchy and panicky. I hate this. ",Anxiety +34144,Sort of blurriness and hard to focus on screen after finals? Is this a symptom of stress? I feel very dizzy but only when I sit and think about it on the computer or something. ,Anxiety +52990,"Rapid Heart Rate 24M, 6’ , 215 pounds +I have what I believe to be anxiety disorder. I almost always have some sort of anxiety. Sometimes I feel a little cloudy and maybe even a bit u stable on my feet. The worst is when I’ll be working; doing something minimally exhausting but my heart rate will raise to over 120 and then the panic ensues. The rapid rate can last hours. Maybe I am a hypochondriac and the more I think and check my pulse the worse it gets. Does anyone else have this happen? I have asked my doctor for a referral to a cardiologist just to be sure. I’m currently on no medication.",Anxiety +35523,"Unsual sweating +So i have this unsual sweating from past few days.I start to sweat whenever i go outside only at chest and back .The areas which feel hot whenever i am inside my house even though I don't have fever when checked through thermometer.And also at night i feel this burning/coldish sensation at random areas of my body.What could it be? ",Anxiety +34393,"ALS fears about tongue When I stick my tongue out as far as I can, one side is higher than the other in the very back. And also even when I try to completely rest my tongue, there are sporadic quivers of movement in certain spots. I made the mistake of googling this and am convinced that these must be tongue fasciculations from ALS, even though statistically I know that it is very rare in my age group. + +My speech isn’t slurred and no problems eating or drinking or any other signs of weakness. Has anyone else freaked out about this before?",Anxiety +35752,"Health anxiety is ruining my life. I don’t know where else to vent. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. Every other day I’m dying of a new disease and I just can’t take it anymore. Panic attack after panic attack, constantly researching symptoms and self diagnosing. When will it ever end? Some days I just feel like giving up, my anxiety is destroying me slowly. I don’t know if anyone will see this but I had to write this down somewhere and it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thanks for listening friends. +",Anxiety +34347,"Diagnosed with 2 illness' My whole life I have had severe generalized anxiety and health phobias. I have always worried there is something wrong. This started in 6th grade. I am 33 now. Everything I have worried about has never happened but I was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome in '16 (autoimmune disease that attacks moisture producing glands) and more recently Hypogammaglobulinanemia (an immune deficiency where my blood lacks the proteins needed to protect me against virus and infection). + +Has anyone else with health phobias actually been diagnosed with an illness? It's been an incredibly difficult time for me but I'm working with a psychiatrist and just started seeing a therapist who specializes in chronic illness and anxiety. I'm looking for some words of encouragement or experiences. Thanks all.",Anxiety +52051,"Lorazepam side effect/after effect In the last week or so, I have been taking small doses(.5/1.0) of Lorazepam(only as needed) prescribed by my doctor for anxiety. + +I have been experiencing some weird effects, which are feelings of weakness, weird random head pressure that will come and go, and weird scalp sensation that come and go and pressure weird dreams, etc... Just was wondering if anyone else has experienced these symptoms or other symptoms when taking or going off of Lorazepam..Like I said, I only take it if I feel extremely anxious. My anxiety has also been really high..Has anyone experienced these symptoms due to anxiety and or effect from Lorazepam/benzos? I plan on asking my doctor, but just wanted to see if others experienced these or other symptoms..Thanks!",Anxiety +34408,Really scared of diabetes I am a major hypochondriac. This morning I woke up with terrible sharp pain in my left foot and odd bruising. My family doesn't seem to think it's anything too strange but I'm really worried that it's diabetes. I made the mistake of Googling my symptoms. I will go to a doctor but in the meantime I'm really scared. I can't find much online about random foot injuries in sleep that aren't due to diabetes.,Anxiety +407,"Ptn! What do you think about fasting on social media after utbk? I'm really worried that I don't want to open social media, but I can't use Twitter because I need information to register",Anxiety +137,"I'm so nervous, why?",Anxiety +52096,"Might take a while to get my meds, what can I do? Hello. So it’s been a while since I posted on here. +It’s been a while since I’ve been able to get my meds. A mixture of Not being able to see my doctor/ refills being denied because I need to see him for a checkup. + +I have a weird work schedule and his appointments are on days where I can’t make it (I work mid shift, 5 days a week). I got an appointment with him but it’s not till April 11. + +I’m kind of struggling. Mainly I’m at work and if feels like I’m There but I’m not there. I’m on edge from the stress of work and school and every few minutes I feel like crying and screaming at people because recently, I feel like people are acting stupid for no reason. It’s just little things that are annoying me and It’s just so stressful. + +What can I do to make it until April 11? I’m not in a crisis or anything but I just need advice, if that’s alright? + +Edit: My medications are WellbutrinXL and Duloxetine. I haven’t had these since February 20th? That’s when I ran out, and I’ve been taking these since July of 2022.",Anxiety +35794,"Should I be worried about a possible auditory hallucination? Hi guys, + +Today I was on a empty street waiting for my Uber when I heard a baby cry for about a few seconds, twice. I did not hear this sound again, and it sounded like it came from one of my houses, as some of the houses had their lights on. I did not see the baby though, and I have not heard this sound again. + +I am worried this might be the onset of Schizophrenia, yet my psychiatrist said I do not have any of the positive/negative symptoms. Does Schizophrenia develop that rapidly or suddenly, or is it more gradual. I did not hear anything throughout the day, so naturally, this has me worried. Should I be too worried or was it likely a baby from one of the houses crying?",Anxiety +52045,,Anxiety +52209,"Does anyone else get sad or nervous when they get prescribed a new medication? I’ve been struggling with anxiety since childhood and have had multiple psychiatrists, therapists and general practitioners help me try to find the right combo of meds to help me. Recently, I’ve been in a 6 month long extended period of anxiety for many reasons, but we have also been trying to find the right meds. + +Talked to my psych. today and we decided to add a new medication in to try, one I used in high school that was helpful at the time, however I still felt a little sad after the appointment. I’m happy to be working toward a helpful solution, but mourning the fact that I can’t be “normal” and will likely be on medications for a very long time. It makes me feel a little broken, and I fear my friends and family may even see me that way. + +I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt this way? I’m happy to be trying new solutions, but also a little blue. Does that make any sense?",Anxiety +34956,"I need help. In a bad state. I’ve never posted on Reddit before, but here it goes: I’m 31, female, and I have been suffering (and I mean suffering) from what I am reluctant to label health anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety, panic, and depression since I was 19. I have also had severe stomach problems since I was probably about 10 years old. For the last, I would say, 4 months of 2018, I had intensifying acid reflux. I avidly practice yoga, and it got to the point that I couldn’t do down dog without bile coming back up my throat. Christmas night, I suffered a panic attack out of the blue...and somewhere around that time (I can’t recall exactly when) I must have googled that symptom (severe acid reflux) and ended up at the conclusion that I have stomach cancer or pancreatic cancer. I have rather honed in on pancreatic. In the weeks following this, I have completely lost my appetite. I’ve dropped about 10-15 pounds. I have horrible dry mouth, pains in my abdomen and back, sporadic diarrhea (when I actually can eat anything) I cannot work, be a mother, or give my attention to anything that isn’t focused on my impending demise. I have obsessively written down my theories about what I think I have, my symptoms and what’s causing them. I feel as if I can feel the cancer in my body. I’ve even researched how to tell my child that I have cancer bc I want to be prepared. I endlessly google and search YouTube videos. I have an emergency appt with my primary care doctor of 5 years tomorrow, and I am terrified. My mother is having to drive me bc I am so incapacitated mentally. I have considered checking myself into a psychiatric hospital, but I ultimately see no point in that bc I know it’s not mental. I don’t know what I want from posting this. I’m just at the end of my rope and wanted to share my story. ",Anxiety +52733,"Scared dr left me no notification I’ve been on disability for anxiety for 20 years I’ve seen this dr for 7 years a month ago he told me all my meds were called in, I called back a month later they said he left to oregon no notice at all, nobody will help me, is there anyplace online that will help? I’ve seen a few but look like scams, it’s dangerous to quit this medication all at once, any advice is appreciated I’m really scared, I’m a single dad just getting everything together and he is messing up my life",Anxiety +35532,"Can I Wait? DT2 I need to know from a nurse or doctor - someone in the medical field please - + +I had gestational diabetes last summer and experienced symptoms with it - dizziness, fatigue, nausea, thirst, frequent urination, headache. I had the baby in September and everything went back to normal. About 2 weeks ago, all these symptoms returned but worse. I went back to the diabetic diet and started walking, most symptoms are gone with doing this- but if I vary at all, I get SO SICK - and gain 3-5 lbs overnight. I still have headache and bloating even on the diet... I know I probably have diabetes- it runs in my family. But I don’t have insurance and my husband is unemployed until June. How bad is it if I wait until then to get this checked? Will it matter?",Anxiety +516,"Once gassi like each other, it's okay. ANJEEEEEEEER EASY DAY.",Anxiety +51983,"SAME TIME ANXIETY I’ve been dealing with some health issues that have left me with no answers so my anxiety has been THROUGH the roof - I’ve been dizzy and exhausted from my anxiety. + +But I’ve noticed my anxiety starts 5am waking me up from my sleep with a knot in my stomach, my heart beating out of my chest and an impending doom feeling…then I lay in bed deep breathing. Once I get out of bed I feel better. My anxiety is still there and then peeks from 12-3pm. Then around 5pm I am like a whole new person…no worries..enjoying my hobbies..eating as if I have no worries anymore. But then the whole process starts again the next day!! + +Anyone else?! How to stop this horrible cycle",Anxiety +52789,"I am so scared I feel so anxious, scared, alone, broken. I feel gross and ugly and unwanted. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm so sad",Anxiety +34265,"Is it just me, or does merely learning about the body trigger some anxiety? I've just started taking a general biology class at uni. My professor is a microbiologist, so he knows a lot about infectious diseases and virus. He's somewhat informal, so he often goes on tangents about various diseases he's familiar with. It always scares the crap out of me! + + +Even learning about the physiology of the human body triggers my anxiety. My thoughts do, ""that sounds extremely important, and also delicate. If something goes wrong with this process, I'm screwed."" Does anyone else experience this?",Anxiety +220,"I can't stop, my nutmeg pops up eyes that I have to look at when I'm anxious",Anxiety +52172,I don’t know what’s going on I have agoraphobia haven’t left my house in months I sit around all day. I also have depersonalization which caused my agoraphobia. My emotions and feelings are numb and i’m finding it hard to care about anything anymore but lately I have been gaining weight. I’ve put on about 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I weighed myself 8 days ago and today I weighed myself and I weigh 5 pounds more. I am really concerned. what if I have heart failure. I cant go to the doctor because of my agoraphobia (yes it is that bad). I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel good ever and i’m so scared it’s not just anxiety anymore but I physically cannot go to the doctor. I cant even go outside my house without feeling panicked idk what to do. I was already really insecure about my weight but this weight gain is really scaring me. how did I put on that much weight in such a short time. I also had a very vivid dream 2 nights ago that I had brain cancer and now i’m scared that was some sort of sign that something is wrong with me.,Anxiety +52334,"How do I stop overthinking and seeing for people for what I want them to be instead of what they are. I am afraid to make new friends because as soon as I meet someone new, I start imagining how our friendship/relationship will be like. I start planning where we will hangout, the conversations we will have, and how they would be like. I start getting excited over the fantasy of them that I created in my head and my brain makes me feel like I know them and that we’re already friends even though we just met. I then get disappointed when they don’t live up to the image that I had for them; and start panicking because I’m like “wait so now where never gonna be able to go to the beach like I planned” or “they take too long to text back, they probably don’t like me and I’m annoying and I scared them away.” I throw away all my self worth just for the opportunity to live the fantasy I created. Like this guy I like did not answer me for a whole day and I assumed he dislikes me and got upset; he texted me eventually after a day and I knew I should not answer quick because for me he was a priority (he shouldn’t be we just met but my brains makes me thing I’m closer to people than it seems). I ended up answering in like 5 minutes knowing I should not have because he did not answer me for a day but I did it anyways because I really wanted to hangout with him and “live out the fantasy in my head of us hanging out and getting to know each other. How do I stop please I need help because this is exhausting and overwhelming and I am annoying and scared that I’ll scared people away.",Anxiety +34864,"Anyone notice that health problems naturally ebb and flow? Just with the passage of time I've had things I thought to be major problems like dry/itchy eyes, leg edema, blurry vision, armpit sweating/hyperhydrosis, allergies/allergic shiners, constant anxiety, etc. completely disappear and/or return with the passage of time. + +Kind of makes me think worrying about things as long as the Dr. says everything is OK and nothing major is going on is pointless as things just ebb and flow naturally. + +Anyone else notice anything similar?",Anxiety +52473,"Time for my checkup. Very anxious after I had a cancer scare last check up. Tips? Trigger warning: talk of cancer + +I’m 30f and I like to think I’ve somewhat defeated my anxiety. I used to have awful panic attacks daily and I’ve been panic attack free for months, I can’t remember my last one. + +But as my checkup approaches my anxiety is starting to return and im noticing my techniques are working less and less. + +My last check up in October seemed totally fine, then I got a call 2 weeks later saying something wasn’t right and it might be cancer. After 6 weeks of waiting and biopsies, it wasn’t cancer, but was the most advanced stage of precancer. I had surgery and got the “all clear for now.” I will have to be checked every 6 months for 3 years. + +I got a call to remind me that I need to come in soon and I’m just sort of freaking out. Knowing I’ll be waiting around for 2 weeks just expecting to see that number pop up and tell me it’s back or it’s cancer this time. + +Any advice for when your anxiety is around something very real, but also probably not likely (my doctor thinks it won’t come back and that I’ll be ok).",Anxiety +52869,"Doctors notes/records Hi just wondering if anybody knows about if doctors think you are drug seeking do they put that on your record? +I went to doctors yesterday, didn’t see my usual GP, it was about spinal pain that radiates up my back, only seems to hurt after physical activity which is weird but concerning to me. The day before appointment I went gym & done some light training on back muscles which really set it off, was painful & felt weird afterwards like weakness in my arms, bit dizzy and just a general weak feeling like really weak and disorientated. She was not helpful at all, basically done a quick op’s check, checked my back briefly & said it seems ok. She said to rest on weekend and see how I go, she said hot water bottle. The more im thinking about my appointment with a her yesterday I get the impression she feels I was drug seeking. I never asked for any drugs but I feel she was misunderstanding me being concerned with trying to get drugs. She said something when I sat down like “you’re looking to discuss pain management” I didn’t really take it in as was really anxious and tired so I said yeah about my spine then proceeded to talk about my concerns, but not once did I say anything about wanting medications/drugs. I’m annoyed now I should of been clear that I would of liked a referral to be checked out or something. I’m on pregabalin for anxiety (it also just happens to be a nerve pain drug) and she said few times about you’ll have review soon with usual GP to see if it’s helping my anxiety and not just about pain management. She also said you’ve only upped dosage 10 days ago. I didn’t really take it in properly at the time but I feel she thinks I was trying to up my dose or get pain meds? I’m worried now that it will be on my notes and I’m also frustrated that I didn’t correct her properly. Any advice or help on this would be appreciated im very anxious about this, I feel I was totally misunderstood and I don’t like the thought of her putting on notes I was looking for pain management or medication to help that. I also noticed as I was leaving she done a frustrated sigh. This experience has made me feel invalidated, misunderstood and made my anxiety and depression worse. I’m struggling mentally very very bad to say the least.",Anxiety +34210,"I have frequent UTIs and don't know if i have a fever, which could be indicative of a kidney infection Hey. I've taken my temperature in my armpit and it says I have a 100.1 after adding 1 degree like you do when taking armpit temperature. I have a temp of 98.7 with oral testing. Which one do I trust?",Anxiety +52351,"Is the chest pain from anxiety dangerous to your health? I get sharp pains in the middle of my chest when I have bad anxiety.. I’m so tired of it. I’m so scared I’m having a heart attack although I have no other pain. I just feel like a floating little pebble being carried by an ocean of anxiety waiting to reach the shore, cringe I know but that’s the only way I can word it.",Anxiety +34713,"Now that the holidays are over... I can feel my emotional repression release and it’s not a good thing. I knew this would happen. The fucking mole on my thigh is scaring the living shit out of me. + +Okay so like around October this mole I had my entire life suddenly raised a little and was red. Panic panic panic. About two weeks ago it seemed to have a little white head and I “popped” it. Just like a tiny little zit. It does seems smaller and less red but there’s still this tiny darker dot right next to it. WHY IS IT STILL THERE???? Ugh and I have to convince my parents somehow. I wish I was an adult where this would have been solved in a week in October. I’m 16, just to throw that out there. ",Anxiety +725,I swear I've been feeling restless since morning,Anxiety +34576,"Red spots on forehead under the skin For the past few days I’ve been coming up with these strange small red spots on my forehead! They’re under the skin and are quite bumpy looking and also when i touch it. +I’ve tried absolutely everything - all the spot creams I have, antiseptic creams, changed my face wash, used a face mask... I’ve even put fresh lemon all over! +I haven’t changed anything in my diet recently either :( I’m not sure what has made this happen... it’s making me sooo self conscious and I just can’t stand looking at my face in the mirror :( does anyone have any tips on what I could do to make it go away? ",Anxiety +35181,"Fell on ice and hit my head Basically like the title says, I was walking to the bus stop and I fell and hit my head pretty hard. Felt like I was gonna stay on the ground for a good bit. Didn't lose consciousness, I think, as I made it to the bus on time. I'll be home in around three hours but I'm terrified. Back then my vision was blurry and walking was a bit difficult. My balance is a bit better now but the blurry vision part still scares me. My head hurts. I took a few pain killers and wrote my mom, who told me to sleep and rest a bit but I'm terrified that maybe I need help asap and sleeping will just end with me passing out. Google, as always, never helps and I also think I might have like a small amount of internal bleeding or something. I'm struggling to stay calm. How should I go about this? Scared that this dumb concussion might be the end of me.",Anxiety +282,I'm a bit scared and nervous...,Anxiety +34415,"Cat scratched behind my ear Hi all, life long health anxiety sufferer, history of as many as 45 ER visits in one year. Had it somewhat under control but the last 6 months I went thru a very hard time w my mental illness (CPTSD) and is flatingup again. + +Saturday my indoor cat scratched me pretty badly behind my ear (my fault, he hates being picked up). I made her mistake of reading online and found articles of people whose hearts have stopped and died from infected cat scratched. It’s now Friday and I spent the week completely distracted from my life . Today I was supposed to work a double shift but I was so distracted and anxious at work I just left and am now at emergency. I have no idea how long I’ll be here prob a long time. I feel like I’ve created most of mhm symptoms (fatigue - anxiety is exhausting, sore throat, I smoked a lot on the weekend. Chest pains- anxiety. ) I have no fever- just saw 36.9 . Feeling like maybe I should just leave and go back to work as I feel dumb being here but I’m too scared. Ughhh ",Anxiety +34970,"death anxiety plus health anxiety after my fathers death hi folks, my dad passed away on december 2018 after a horrible accident who drove him in a coma state, after a month in the intensive care unit he lost a lot of weight, he looked soo skiny and fragile, i was witness of his extreme agony, then he woked up from the coma state just to realize that he had irreversible neurological damage, everytime when i went to visit him to his room, he started to cry, feeling unable to speak due the damage. + +when everything looks stable to my dad (aparently) the doctors tooks the desicion to send him to our house, and then start to the recovery terapy regime, in the second day, he died, the cause of his dead maybe was due cardiac issues, since then i cant sleep properly, my mind are broken, i can see my dad in my nigthmares, suffering as the days when he was at the hospital, now i have an existencial crisis, i realize that life is so short, also im suffering from health anxiety, i fear to heart diseases, always checking my heart rate, my blood pressure, and when i sleep, in my dreams, i can see my body in a coffin, feeling that im dying or already dead + +what can i do guys? i know this is part of the grief, but what can i do for the health anxiety?, i used to smoked weed, since that incident and due the health anxiety everytime when i smoked i experienced full blown panic attacks, i die in my nigthmares, i see my dad suffering in those dreams.... + +note: my dad was young, and his dead was unexpected. + +im depressed now, yess, but anxiety is worse than my depression",Anxiety +34254,"Keflex side effects, worried about allergic reaction So yesterday I was prescribed Keflex (Cipro) for a UTI. Felt ok the first couple doses but I noticed on the 3rd dose I felt kind of light headed and fuzzy. Took my 4th dose around 10 and about an hour ago got up from the couch and was really dizzy. It seems like it’s a bit better now, I’m not dizzy while sitting anymore. But I googled and started freaking out, some sites say dizziness is a common side effect and some say severe dizziness can be a sign of an allergic reaction. So I started freaking out even more and now I feel like my throat is closing up. I can drink water though, and breathe, so I’m hoping that part is just my anxiety making everything worse. I’m going to call the doctors office in the morning to see if I can have a different antibiotic, but of course it’s the middle of the night. Any advice or reassurance would be appreciated....",Anxiety +34189,"I hate my OCD This is the third time this month I've accidentally got myself in a situation where I could get tetanus. My mom is an anti vaccine person so i don't have vaccines and i'm only 16 so I don't have one. This time around I got a splinter from the wood handle of an incense stick. It stabbed me pretty bad and got my finger. Fuck.... My neck and back have been stiff for the last days and it has me worried. Hopefully i don't die soon. I didn't sleep last night and been wanting to cry all day today. Hypocondria is torture, Thanks for reading had to vent.",Anxiety +34365,"Throat cancer worry Hello, I felt a bit weird today and looked at the back of my throat where there are a lot of swollen bumps that are mostly red, and some look like they might have cancer sores.. I ususally have one or two of those, my throat looks like a mess most of the time, but ENT said it looks normal. But with all these new bumps I am pretty worried... + +I try to be rational, there is a flu going around, but the sudden onset of those swollen bumps makes me worry that I have cancer...",Anxiety +35332,healthy anxiety (i think) i have really only started having the symptoms of health anxiety after i decided to stop using hard drugs and tobacco. i’m 25 years old and have been 65 days clean from cocaine and hard drugs and tobacco. i am currently in therapy and am taking lexapro 10mg once a day but i always think something is wrong with me and idk if it’s my anxiety manifesting as pain in areas of my body or it’s a heart attack or something else i wake up thinking something is wrong with me and i go to sleep thinking something is wrong with me anytime i feel any pain in my chest or weird feeling i think it’s a heart attack anytime there’s tingling in my body i think it’s a heart attack anytime i my heart rate fluctuates even a little i think it’s a heart attack anytime i have sex i think it’s an STD i’m never not thinking about something being wrong with me need some advice on how to help it or some experiences that i can maybe relate to!!,Anxiety +35034,"I couldn’t post in r/health I didn’t know where else, I could breathe a full breath and a laugh when I woke up for the first time in three months today!!! I couldn’t produce a full inhale in three months and today I can. I want to celebrate. I’m so happy.",Anxiety +471,The highest level of miss is when you are worried about him for no apparent reason.,Anxiety +35815,Can you really die from holding in your pee?? Please help !!!!!!!! I’m on a bus and have to ride it for 30 minutes. I have to pee SO BAD but my mum won’t allow me to get off because it’s a one way bus so you can’t get off then get another one. Can I die from holding in my pee? What’s the worst that could happen????,Anxiety +52842,"Monthly Check-In Thread Hello everyone! Welcome to the r/Anxiety monthly check-in thread. We want this to serve as casual community chat for anyone who wants to get or stay involved without having to make a full post. Plus you can use this as an easy way to give us feedback on what you like and don't like about the subreddit. + +Our mod team also maintains an official mental health Discord server for people who prefer realtime community, venting, peer support and off topic chat. We hope to see you there! Join link: [https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9](https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9) + +# Checking In + +Let us know what's on your mind! This includes (but is not limited to) any significant life changes/events that have happened recently; an improvement or decrease in your mental health; any upcoming plans that you're looking forward to (or dreading); issues you're dealing with in your own local or extended community; general sources of stress or frustration in your daily life; words of advice or comfort you want to share with everyone; questions/comments/concerns you want to share with the moderators and community regarding the subreddit. + +Thanks and stay safe, + +The r/Anxiety Mod Team",Anxiety +35012,"Chest pains and limb numbness - Cardiac ischemia possible for F24? I'm female, 24 years old and I've been chronically experiencing most of the symptoms describing cardiac ischemia. For a few years, but more often lately. I have no issue of being overweight (rather almost underweight), and generally I don't seem like the type who'd have heart problems. I rarely smoke, don't drink. But I do go through a lot of emotional stress, am very depressed, and I don't move enough, spending a lot of time at home in bed. When I'm depressed, I often wake up full of anxiety, feeling like I'm almost having a heart attack. + +I know that I should probably do an ECG asap to know for sure, but I will only be able to do it in a couple of months. But I was wondering if it's my heart or something else, because I feel like its unlikely for a woman of my age and complexion to have heart problems? ",Anxiety +34089,"I'd been told it was just anxiety for two years, and now I've been diagnosed with a tumor I developed Panic Disorder when I was in college, shortly after the Virginia Tech Massacre. I was a freshman at Virginia Tech when it happened, and my sophomore year, I started to have deep-seeded health anxiety (fear of death, mostly.) I'd suffered through many family deaths before, and psychologists had told me I had PTSD with fear of dying. I DO have health anxiety, and I border on hypochondria. + +HOWEVER! + +When you already have a PD diagnosis, or a hypochondria diagnosis, I find that doctors don't take you seriously. I completely understand why they wouldn't: it's tiresome for them when you come in and tell them you're having a heart attack when you're really suffering from GERD. When I first saw a doctor and told her that it felt like I'd broken my rib three times in one year, she sent me to a psychiatrist. The next doctor told me I needed to up my Prozac. Finally, a CT scan showed I have a severe Fibrous Dysplasia tumor in my 10th rib which is growing into my liver, kidney, and diaphragm. I'm scheduled for surgery on March 5th. + +It's hard to know when it's your health anxiety and when it's your health, and GOOD LORD it's tiring for us anxious people to convince doctors that we're having a real problem. I honestly still don't know how to tell the difference, but I'm here to say, SOMETIMES, your gut is right. + +Anyone else have trouble with doctors writing them off because of their Anxiety or Hypochondria?",Anxiety +52075,"Is it me or is it the T? This is something i have noticed on the T and as much as i am grateful for it, the imposter in me is asking questions. + +Today is my “lets be anxious about absolutely everything” day. So, we are on the subway and no one sat beside me. Like i said. Super grateful cuz i hate people in my ‘safe space’ but i also am offended that no one sat beside me? Like what kinda hypocrisy is this. Is it the same for everyone? Ugh idk.",Anxiety +415,"It's been a few days that I haven't slept very well, I'm very restless🥲",Anxiety +35101,"My HIV Health Anxiety Nightmare I participated in a ‘low risk’ activity. It is estimated the chances of acquiring HIV are about 1 in 2,500. Nevertheless, it has happened. + +4.5 weeks later I got the flu. Cue health anxiety meltdown. + +I tested at 5.5 weeks. Negative. 3 other tests later. Negative. I have just ordered my final test at 12 weeks. I know it’s probably unnecessary but I just need to do it to be able to move on. + +Funnily enough, this is happened before. 3 weeks after a risk where my doctor said that HIV transmission “just doesn’t happen this way”, I absolutely freaked. Cue two negative tests and 1.5 years of worry and not fully believing I was HIV negative. + +I know better than anyone the toll this condition can have on you. From the physical symptoms to the stress, the incessant symptom googling, the constant feeling of your lymph nodes or checking your tongue in the mirror or freaking at a bump on your head that’s probably been there since you were born. It fucking sucks. + +£200 of testing later... let’s hope this chapter of my life has ended. And I can start living again. Because I’ve been living in my head for a while now. ",Anxiety +34959,"Heart rate app Was having a bad HA day so I decided to download an app called ""cardiac diagnosis"" it is saying I have an abnormal arrythmia and tachycardia and that I am in danger. Now I'm on the verge of panic and don't know what to do. I had a holter monitor about a year ago and I was cleared but something could have changed since then. I am so scared what should I do? :(",Anxiety +34274,"Another Small Tip If you start to panic. And you need to tell someone. Try, instead of telling them your symptoms, just standing next to them and don't say anything about your symptoms. Worse case scenario something happens you are right next to someone who will help you now you can relax. But try not to say what you are feeling try to distract yourself with their presence.",Anxiety +35238,"Lower leg pain I thought I had my HA finally beat, no panic attacks, no crazy anxiety, not thinking I was going to drop dead. Life was great for about 2 months. Then Friday reality snapped back, I’ve been having this weird pressure under my left calf on the inside of my leg, It comes and goes, it doesn’t really hurt, no swelling, no redness, but my mind has convinced me that it’s a blood clot. I’m 25, in good shape and very active. It doesn’t make any sense. Like I said it doesn’t hurt at all, it’s just a weird pressure that last about 3-5 seconds every 5 minutes or so. I have no idea what it could be.",Anxiety +33933,"Flat Stool and Dull Stomach Pain. Could it be IBS? Colon Cancer? Just flat out Anxiety? Lately I've noticed that my stool has been softer, floating, and generally flatter than before. They are not absurdly flat, you'd only notice it if you examined them closely because they float around. I've really noticed this over the past couple of weeks. I haven't really had a solid and long stool in a while. In addition to this, I've been having some dull abdominal pain that kind of radiates on my sides and in the middle of my abdomen. Nothing that keeps me from walking around and exercising though. The pain radiates for a couple of minutes and subsides when I stop thinking about it. + +I went to the doctor two weeks ago complaining about the abdominal pain (this was before I noticed anything about the poop). I had a blood test and a urine test taken and basically they came back all clear. + +For the record, I'm 19, male, and overweight. My college diet combined with inaccessibility to the gym has caused me to gain weight over the past two years. + +My biggest questions for are these: When is the right time to contact my doctor again? Since the blood and urine tests came back completely normal, is it right to assume that my stool is just a byproduct of me being anxious and general change of diet? I'm on my school's winter break. Meaning this is a big diet change and physical activity change. I'm no longer eating food in bad dining halls, I'm making my own. + +IBS? Colon Cancer?? Please help me out. From Googling, I'm convinced I want a colonoscopy.",Anxiety +52025,"Morning Anxiety I'm so so tired of morning Anxiety. Every morning I wake up wanting to puke from being anxious. Does anyone have any experience of how to not wake up feeling like you're about to get into a fight? + +Any advice would be most welcome 🙏",Anxiety +544,"what needs to be done today already, but still feeling restless",Anxiety +52436,"Medication combo stressing me out I’ve been on trintellix + buspirone for about 7 months now and it’s been working great! However I’ve been prescribed atenolol for my physical anxiety and I’m worried that the medications may interact or be too much for me, does anyone have experience with this combo or something similar?",Anxiety +51953,Panic attacks have returned - what to do? I’ve had anxiety for years but no panic attacks in yeaaaaaars. However panic attacks have returned in the last 8 weeks and they’re awful. I forgot how bad they are. I’ve been reading deep breathing and breath work doesn’t super help and I know that to be true - but what else do you do during one? Do you just focus on your breathing however it is? How do you calm down the panic attack? The physical symptoms are awful!,Anxiety +51940,"Feel the feelings Going through a really challenging situation atm and it's made me realise I've been avoiding tough feelings for a long time, maybe all my life. + +Now that I see this am trying to just let them flow, and breathe through it, but it's really really hard, and it hurts, and is scary, and my avoidance habits are strong. + +I'll keep trying, but if anyone has any advice / experience with this that you can share, the support would be very welcome.",Anxiety +52547,"Becoming ""hyper-aware"" of your existence and feeling dissociated I'll add a little background first, im a 35 year old male and have never had any diagnosed conditions or health problems in general. I have always been extremely shy, social + health anxiety, low confidence, never had a girlfriend, no friends since I moved to a different part of the country when I was about 22. Over time I think I have been able to numb it down, creating explanations and reasonings in my mind, and used video games as an escape. For the last 10 years or so, my life have been: + +&#x200B; + +\- Wake up and eat breakfast + +\- Go to work + +\- Come home and shower + +\- Make and eat dinner + +\- Some kind of workout + +\- Sit at computer + +\- Sleep and repeat + +\- Every other weekend I visit my mom, who I spend quality time with and help out since she has a condition that keeps her from doing many things herself + +&#x200B; + +But a week ago i was hit like a truck with massive depression and anxiety, realizing what my life have been these last 10 years. I feel like I have wasted so much time, especially on the weekends where I was at home doing nothing, instead of going to my mom or just doing anything productive. I got thoughts about existential dread, death and what our purpose really is. I got crushing anxiety about my mom dying and me not spending enough time with her, and also because she is the only person in the world that truly knows me, understands me and that I can be myself with. + +&#x200B; + +I feel like an alcoholic over 10 years who just suddenly stopped drinking from one day to the next - now the video games do nothing for me, I can't ""escape"" and I'm lost for purpose. My appetite is very unstable and my mind is racing, especially when I try to sleep, which has led to sleepless nights with my heart racing in panic and having constant disaster thoughts that I can't stop. I keep thinking ""Am I sick? Am I going insane? Do I have a brain tumor?"" and many more thoughts of that kind. I also get this weird feeling somethimes of being ""disconnected"" or ""dissociated"" to the world. I become hyper-aware of my existence and my actions and thoughts and it makes everything feel weird. In this state, I feel like im ""acting"" like myself, when I'm with others - like I'm something unexplainable controlling this physical body or seeing the world from a 3rd person view. Has anyone else experienced this or gone though something similar? + +&#x200B; + +I have started on antidepressant and anxiety medicine and started seeing a psycologist, but just wanted to share in hopes of getting some feedback or tools to combat these things.",Anxiety +34512,"I fainted in a bar. Should I be worried?? I had a cold this past week and was getting better but feeling dehydrated +Decided to go out drinking and ended up smoking some weed and having 5 beers +Was standing at the bar for about an hour and we ordered some bar snacks, about 5 minutes into eating I felt very lightheaded and nauseous, started seeing black circles, tried to make my way outside to get some air, and dropped to the floor at that moment +I came to a few minutes later, sat at a table sipping water, and felt pretty much fine other than being kinda tired and still lightheaded + +Could this have been just a routine fainting spell? I’m attributing it to dehydration, since I️ was sick, drank a lot of coffee during the day, and then drank alcohol, without really drinking any water. I also read that prolonged standing can reduce blood flow to the brain. I plan on getting checked out by a doctor this week. Should I be worried? + +TLDR: Was dehydrated, fainted in a bar while standing for awhile, felt fine after",Anxiety +51967,Is anyone else scared that they are going to ban tiktok? It scares me that they're thinking of banning tiktok. Tiktok has been one of the only things that can calm down my anxiety and make me not stressed.,Anxiety +35458,"Worried about stomach cancer Hi! 19 F here. For the past 6 months I get very nauseous very easily, especially after eating or when stressed. Since around November, I’ve started puking regularly. I’ll puke once a day for maybe a week, then be fine for a week. During bad episodes I puke anywhere from 3-7 times a day. I’ve been gaining weight since this happened. Haven’t vomited any blood (red color is from foods I have eaten). Diarrhea usually precedes the vomiting, and has a certain smell (smell only occurs in diarrhea RIGHT before I puke). Immediately after puking the nausea goes away until the next episode. Symptoms worsen before exams, presentations, stressful events. Ulcer has been ruled out. My brain is going straight to the assumption I could have cancer and I am terrified :(",Anxiety +223,"Strange. I don't have work today and I have a bit of free time so I can read shrill novels but... it feels weird. I've been nervous about checking the google calendar just in case if I read it wrong. But it's still weird, how about this, like you should be looking for a job to get rid of this feeling.",Anxiety +613,Hmm why are you so nervous,Anxiety +35435,"Hardcore Health Anxiety (lymph nodes, etc) My first health anxiety type was brain tumor. Then it was lung cancer, throat cancer, breast cancer (I am male, 21), testicle cancer, then again lung cancer, again breast cancer. After that it was lung cancer again then once I found out what lymph nodes are, I started to search for them and found multiple. Wow. Couldn't get worse. + +Couple months ago I would press hard on my ribs to feel if something hard that I felt is actually a rib or lymph node. I would spend hours rubbing ribs. It caused so much pain. + +It's been 3 years since I started to worry about lymph nodes and what gives me a huge relief is a thought ""if it was something cancerous, I would for sure have more symptoms, which I dont"". + +I am 21, male, gained 16 kilograms in the past 2 years, went to gym, etc. and I don't think I could do that if I had a terminal illness",Anxiety +34716,"I rlly need the toilet but can’t make it into the bathroom There are two mirrors in the bathroom and I know if I go in there I will end up getting stuck checking my mouth for 30 minutes, will probably find something new wrong and be in a panicky mess until I finally pass out with exhaustion at 7am, fuck my lifeeeee",Anxiety +35790,"Bizarre and painful mouth problem, terrified of oral cancer So to start, I consistently have head scratching mouth issues that even multiple doctors can't explain. Hard knots, a large egg like tonsil cyst one time. Today I'm having a large and alarming issue. Under my tongue but more toward the hard area where the gums start is flaming red. Not a little patch either, a whole wide swath probably two inches long. It's tender to the touch and tastes like blood for some reason. I've noticed these odd mouth issues pop up usually when my seasonal allergies are at their worst but I don't really know why :( this one is very uncomfortable and I have no explanation for it. Anyone have advice? I have a standing dentist appointment for a temporary crown a week from saturday but I'm freaked out and uncomfortable at this moment",Anxiety +34827,"I’m not super paranoid, but could I be pregnant? So - let me preface this with saying I AM on the pill. I’m too paranoid not to use it, and take it faithfully. Haven’t taken it late since week 1 and it’s currently week 3. It’s the combo pill. +Secondly, why this gives me anxiety - I’m NOT ready to be pregnant. It’s not the right time for me. + +So basically my boyfriend and I did the deed (today) with a condom, but it broke. I’ve been having PMS cramps since around Monday, and my period is due in exactly a week. Is it worth investing in the Plan B pill?",Anxiety +52315,"Anxiety and heart problems Hi everyone, I was posting to see if anyone else suffered from anxiety and has heart issues going on as well. I have severe anxiety and I’m definitely a hypochondriac so I started taking Zoloft 3 months ago to help. However, for 2 years I have dealt with heart problems. My heart rate gets super high to the 170s at rest, I get dizzy, chest pain, and I have a low-ish blood pressure on top of that. I also noticed a couple months ago this feeling I get where I feel like my heart skips a beat and my breath gets taken away which I discovered was me having PVCs. I have done numerous EKGs which have been abnormal but my one cardiologist told me I’m a 26 year old otherwise healthy person so it’s fine. I did an echo and stress test 2 days ago so I’m awaiting those results. One of my previous cardiologists told me he believes this all stems from stress and anxiety and once I manage that it will go away, which I agree with to an extent. I had another cardiologist tell me that even if I’m stressed out having a heart rate sustain in the 170s is abnormal. I am also a nurse so I can’t tell if me having an understanding of medical stuff makes it more difficult for me to handle because I’m constantly thinking worst case scenario. I have this overwhelming fear that I’m going to be one of those people in their 20s that has a heart attack or other complication. I’ve seen people post on here previously saying their heart rate goes super high when they’re anxious but I wasn’t sure if anyone had similar experiences as me or knows anything about this. I’m sure I am overthinking this but I also don’t like the fact that I constantly have chest pain and a high heart rate.",Anxiety +35444,"Worried about possible Petechiae So for the past few weeks I’ve been having these tiny, pinprick-sized red or sometimes brown dots appear on my skin. Of course the anxious side of my brain has decided that I’m dying of leukemia or some other cancer, even though I have no other symptoms that point towards it. + +What’s especially odd is that these spots appear in certain areas and then go away after a few days. The first time they appeared was on my right hand and arm after I spent the night with my girlfriend. After about two days they went away. Now there’s some of these little spots on my right foot and ankle, and seemingly nowhere else on my body. Anyone else have something like this occur? I’ll probably see my doctor in a few days and see what she thinks, but until then that anxious part of me is absolutely certain that I’m a dead man walking.",Anxiety +180,"If I'm honest, I've been nervous since that day even though I said it wasn't....",Anxiety +51988,Face tingling/pressure? Anyone who has had this every day for like a month or more? I just started Prozac to deal with anxiety but I’m concerned.,Anxiety +125,"""Yesterday, I was worried half to death, now my wife is aware of being stiff again... how about that?""",Anxiety +34182,"Rattle/wheezing in lungs, dry cough, and no other symptoms What could this be? For the past week I’ve had an almost constant rattle/wheeze when I breath. I have a non productive cough, and no other symptoms. I was expecting it to turn into a could, but it hasn’t. I don’t have a fever and I feel fine other than this annoying, persistent rattle and cough. I feel like the rattling gets worse in the evenings when I’m relaxing and when I try to sleep, but it could just be that I’m paying more attention to it then, as I’m not distracted by work. ",Anxiety +730,"It's really restless since yesterday thinking about another second in class 12, preparations for SM are still a little bit, there's a lot to worry about",Anxiety +616,Going through a phase where anxiety continues to haunt,Anxiety +33988,Melanoma fear ruining my life Hi guys! So I’m a super moley person and it leads me to believe there is absolutely no way that I don’t have melanoma. I’m part Irish and used to lay in the sun when I was a teen a lot. I’ve been checked in the past year and a half and my dermatologist always acts like I’m crazy for coming in. She said it’s normal to keep getting new moles and even told me this really ugly one in my belly button is fine. I’m currently living in France and I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday but I keep convincing myself I have it and I’m going to die. I can’t sleep or focus on anything and I’m constantly taking pictures of the my body to exam the moles and always convince myself they’re all cancer. I try to get my family members to convince me I’m fine but I never feel better. Any advice or anyone struggling with the same? ,Anxiety +35753,"convinced i have rabies i’m so fucking exhausted with this god damn disease. i am. i woke up a week ago w some scratches on my hand that i didn’t quite remember having... i have a cat, and we play and he’s scratched me before, so it definitely could’ve been him but my brain defaulted to a bat coming in my house. a rabid bat. + +see bat bites you can sleep through, so i assume a bat came in through my chimney and bit me while i was sleeping, i didn’t notice, it got back out, and now i’m infected with rabies and doomed because i was too afraid to see a doctor. + + i’ve had dreams about it for days. my throat hurt two days ago on the left side. my leg right now is kind of sore on the outer part and hurts. am i going to die ",Anxiety +52493,,Anxiety +111,"Why does it seem like tonight I'm restless, sad like I want to cry but I don't know what to be sad about",Anxiety +52125,"Don't know if I'm in the right place for this... Recently it was seeming like my life was finally getting on track. I had taken control of my addictions, I was being more productive, I was seeing myself changing into a better person. Good things were happening. + +Then out of nowhere everything just came crashing down, like many times before. + +I don't know if people think like me, or that far ahead for that matter, but I don't think I am the only one who fears such an overwhelming anxiety about not achieving whatever it is you want in life. + +I have been feeling like I won't ever be able to achieve even the most basic things that all other humans are able to achieve. I can't explain the reason why I feel this way, but it's basically being anxious that I'm failing at life as a whole and that I'm not taking advantage of the precious time that I have on earth. + +Like I'm just here and wish to stay here, but when do I start ""living""?",Anxiety +133,Why every morning I want to sleep I'm restless ,Anxiety +35800,"Had an anxiety attack at work I had a bad anxiety attack at work yesterday and I couldn’t stop crying so I texted my boss asking if I could leave. He let me go and I drove to urgent care, started crying to the desk staff, and made a complete fool of myself. They didn’t help me and I went home. + +Now I’m stressing going back to work on Monday. He probably thinks I just felt like leaving since he took the day off. I hate this.",Anxiety +52638,"I feel like if I stop worrying, something bad will happen, on and off sense of doom. For several days I was convinced I had appendicitis… well I’m finally out of that stage THANKFULLY. or at least almost out of it, but now I’m convinced if I stop worrying about it happening or something then it’ll happen or if I stop worrying in general something bad will happen like my therapist cancelling or just some form of misfortune. I���m not used to having good things happen to me and my life is finally starting to improve so I’m just constantly on edge. My past four dreams havent been good, in one my friends started being rude to me, in another my food messed up, I wasn’t able to eat, my family was rude and my period started (haha my period then started 30 minutes after waking up), and these past two other days were focused on appendicitis in one I got it, had bad pain and then woke up freaking out (only had back pain tho which passed), and in the other I had it and got surgery. That dream did help me start to slowly get over my fear of it though. But I feel like if I stop worrying then it’ll happen, i know when I finally get distracted I start to think “huh maybe I’ll be okay, i don’t feel like anything bad would happen” and then sudden fear and feeling of it going to happen. Fucking lord go away. I just need to be okay for 13 more days and then I can see my therapist but my mind doesnt think ill make it in these 13 days. Like it’s certain I’m going to die and if that doesn’t happen then something else bad will, especially if I stop worrying argh",Anxiety +527,"gps, restless panic",Anxiety +35559,"One spot on my spine feels tender, I'm worried it's cancer. I haven't been worried about my health for a while so this didn't concern me much until today. I notice that when I hunch over, or when I press on this particular spot on my back (near where my bra strap would be) it feels like I bruised it. It's not painful enough to disrupt my day, but it's a little disconcerting. I started googling and I saw a bunch of people who had this and it just went away on its own or it wasn't anything, but then of course I continued googling and ""back pain"" can be cancer. It's surface-level though, really does just feel like a skin bruise. And I don't feel it at all if I sit normally and don't press on it. + +How worried should I be? Any way I can rule out cancer? I'm seeing my doc for a checkup soon.",Anxiety +52877,"Being bad at something new gives me anxiety I know it’s contradictory but yeah. Not sure if this has to do with being a perfectionist or if it’s something else. I enjoy the “rush” of learning new things and knowing things, but when it push comes to shove and I need to practice what I’m learning, that’s when I usually find out I still have a long way to go and will have to fail and make mistakes and actually suck at that thing for a while. It’s like I just want to skip to the “good” part. I feel like the work is only productive/useful when it’s good. + +How do you even deal with the uncomfortable parts of learning and growing? :( + +I just keep pushing on but sometimes it feels like I’m making no progress at all. And I know that “slow progress is still progress” but then my anxiety kicks in with bullsh*t like “other people are staying up and working their asses off while you’re celebrating a tiny step forward.”",Anxiety +289,"O Allah, I just ask for a safe and peaceful life without being haunted by anxiety, O Allah",Anxiety +34335,"Heart palpitated once and it has been hurting since Yesterday, my heart did this weird beat as if it skipped like four beats. It felt bubbly to me, it was a weird feeling. It wasn't a normal palpitation to me. My heart has literally been hurting since yesterday afternoon. I have a hard time breathing in deep.",Anxiety +52750,"Tingling in side/back of head Has anyone had head tingling/numbness with anxiety? I spent the last 15 minutes freaking out because I woke up today feeling somewhat very anxious. A few minutes later, I felt this crawling/tingling feeling that started from my left temple to the back of head. It comes and goes and boy.....the panic I felt with it was the icing on top of the cake. There's no pain whatsoever, but just a weird sensation that makes me feel like the left side of my head is going numb. + +This is the first time it's happened to me. I have been somewhat anxious these past few days (about my health), so I'm not sure if that is the trigger? I don't have any headaches whatsoever. And I'm refraining from googling because I know whatever I'm reading is gonna aggravate my anxiety. But my brain has decided that it's best to jump to the worst case scenario 🫠 I'm trying to keep calm because I know if I let my thoughts run loose, it's going to make me feel worse. + +But I'm really wondering if it's the stress/anxiety causing it. My neck/shoulders feel relatively fine, so I don't think it's a pulled muscle or tension.",Anxiety +35565,"Unsubscribing today. Thanks for all of your support. This sub has helped me through a lot of health concerns, but today I'm finally in a place where I can deal with it on my own so I'm posting to hopefully help someone else. + +I started off as a mess and eventually got a full heart/body checkup including an MRI and wore a heart monitor for 24-hours to check out my palpitations. After being told that everything is fine that was a big step. Getting a professional, comprehensive medical diagnosis to rule out what you're worried about goes a long way. After chest pains, numbness, tingling in my limbs, dizzy spells, being sent to the ER because urgent care thinks I might be having a stroke, and a ton of other shit, something outside my control changed: my stress level. I took on a different role at work that is much less stressful. I had no idea how big of an impact this was because I didn't consider myself ""stressed"" but several symptoms subsided with this change like everything digestive and the chest pain is less frequent. After I was told the chest pains are costochondritis (inflammation of the rib tissues, read: stress-induced) I saw a chiropractor for about 5 months who taught me some stretches and self-adjustments I could do with a back roller and now I've trained myself not to panic when I feel those chest pains. Just do the stretches and trust that I'm fine and sure enough, I am. Also, my doctor told me to cut caffeine and I didn't listen. I am a coffee junkie and cut back, but didn't cut it out entirely. Well recently I switched to decaf (I know, stick with me) and it's been life-changing. Yes, this is obvious. Yes, we all know caffeine raises your physiological arousal level. But many of us keep consuming caffeine not realizing just *how* much it actually contributes to the cycle. I'm a much happier person on decaf and I don't think I'll go back. I found out all of the shit I was dealing with can be caused by anxiety. So this whole time, it was the fear of a health problem that was causing health problems. Stress impacts us more than we realize! + +So to recap, here are the things my dumb ass put off doing forever that really made a huge impact: + +-Get a doctor's opinion. As in, a thorough one if possible instead of just a quick visit. They will run some tests and give you a professional take on it. When you get this - TRUST IT. If you have reason to believe the doctor missed something, get a second opinion but really you should trust the doctor. + +-Manage your external stress. This doesn't mean quit your job, but if something is stressing you out (a situation at work, a significant other, family) take some real steps to get out of that situation! In my case it was a lateral transfer and a change in responsibilities but man did it lower my stress levels. + +-Cut the caffeine and any other stimulants including recreational ones. If you struggle with anxiety, your brain is already pumping you full of stress hormones in a fight-or-flight response. You absolutely do not to make it worse. Even a little can impact some people (like me, apparently). + +-For the love of Reddit, never Google your symptoms. + +The terrible thing about anxiety is once it has you, it's a downward spiral. But the inverse is true too. Once you are confident in your situation and know the quirks of your own body, you can come out of it quickly too. Hope this helps someone.",Anxiety +35421,"Read this if you’re under 35 and worried about pancreatic cancer. Figured this might be useful info with the news of Alex Trebek (78 years old). + +Stats Canada: “From 2011 to 2013, new cases identified prior to the age of 35 were diagnosed at a rate of 0.2 per 100,000 persons.” + +That’s a 0.0002% chance... considerably less than getting killed by lightning (0.0006%). + +I actually managed to convince myself I had this condition, I spent too much time researching symptoms and not looking at the actual statistics. Figured this might help some. +",Anxiety +44,"I've been feeling restless for the past few days, now I'm nauseous, like someone...",Anxiety +34578,Thromboses How can we know the gravity of them ? What is the best way to get rid of them ?,Anxiety +35192,"Hearing loss At what point do I talk to my doctor about not being able to hear well. I've noticed more and more struggling to hear. Last time I asked she said I just had fluid in my ear and said it would be fine. It's been 6 months since then and I've switched doctors because of her being dismissive on other things. (Rolling eyes, laughing at me etc.) +I had the flu between then and now. And after the flu it seems like it had gotten a lot worse. And being in public with hearing issues is making my anxiety skyrocket. + +What really scares me even more is my mom had a tumor removed from her ear area that was causing hearing loss. + +What do I do? Can anyone comfort me? Is this a reason to go to the walk in or do i need to make a regular appointment? + +I would of talked to the doctor the 8th but I've had such horrible times with doctors I ended up cancelling because I was having such bad anxiety attacks. (I ordered pizza instead to calm myself, it didn't help) + +I'm not on any anxiety medication. Or anything but birth control. ",Anxiety +35795,"HA and a Palm Tree lead me to urgent care To preface, I just discovered this sub and WOW, I can’t believe there’s so many others who struggle with the same issues I do. I’ve struggled with HA since I was about 14 (I’m 24 now), and I go through periods of time where I’m fine, and then I’ll hit a rough couple of weeks that leave me absolutely crippled. + +So, couple of weeks ago (after many years of worry, I am a former smoker) I finally got the reassurance that I did not have lung cancer due to shortness of breath. Following that positive news I thought to myself “okay great, finally my HA will calm down.” That was short lived. A couple of days ago I was attempting to clean palm tree debris and got stuck by a leaf/thorn. Naturally it lead me to google it because it got slightly swollen and I convinced myself I had a serious infection and Plant Thorn Arthritis (Thanks Google) So off to the urgent care I went, they laughed at me when I demanded a Tetnus shot and gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way. + +I still can’t stop thinking about how I might have to get surgery to remove plant debris, it’s been consuming every thought of mine even though the swelling has gone down. In other news, I’ve had a slight tenderness in my thigh for a few months and my googling has lead me to believe I have a DVT. I’m freaking out and scheduled another doctor’s appointment for Monday.... + +I luckily have a very supportive SO that recognizes when I’m on my bad weeks with HA and is my safe person. It just sucks so much, we have so much planned the next few weeks and all I can focus on is my impending death. + +But hey, I’m so happy I found this community and I’m looking into getting professional help for my HA and trying to figure out better ways to handle it.",Anxiety +440,"Usually I sleep well every afternoon, I just want to rest for a while, I feel restless because the task hasn't been completed yet",Anxiety +41,"been the most anxious person, before becoming the most sincere person",Anxiety +35483,"Vision oddities Hey all, just wanted to ask if anyone had any similar experiences to myself. A few months ago, I (25) had my first panic attack that sent me to the ER. EKG came out perfect, sent me home. Soon after, I started getting more and more panic and anxiety symptoms at an increasing rate. Started diagnosing myself foolishly with all kinds of different things from heart problems, a ministroke, MS, brain tumor, the works. Went from 0 to hypochondriac in weeks. Went to my doctor and got some tests for thyroid and such, all fine. My BP is slightly high at 135/82 as well. + +Most of the symptoms of everything has gone away, except my vision. I woke up one morning about 6-7 days ago with.. not what I would call ""blurry"" vision, but almost an otherworldly filter applied to it. Nothing is any more difficult to read, no flashing, no pain, no color changes, but things are just hard to *look at* and I've got a bit of tunnel vision going on. I've always had floaters in my vision and there aren't any new ones, but the floaters themselves are kinda blurry now and I notice them everywhere instead of just outside. + +Could it just be eye strain from being in a constant state of stress for a month straight with poor sleep quality? I'm not asking for a diagnosis obviously, but I want to know if this is a shared experience from anyone else.",Anxiety +53021,Compulsively giving myself anxiety? Recently I just stand doing nothing and then my body gives me anxiety? Like... I used to remember things and get anxious but this time even moving my eyes gives me anxiety? Feels like fear of having that feeling causes that feeling. A sudden sharp pain in chest. I dont know how to stop this. I get triggered once in a minute and im scared of having heart issues because of this. There is also a mild pain in my chest all the time. It feels so weird to lose control that much lol.,Anxiety +52027,"What's your story/experience of successfully getting out of your comfort zone while having anxiety? +I still try to do everything even thought I'm dealing with anxiety this month (the feeling of impending doom) and the last step for now is to return to my part time job since I've been on holidays. + +So I would like to hear what stuff were you guys scared of doing but still did it and are proud? (It can literally be anything)🙂",Anxiety +51898,"Terrified of going to the dentist I know I have some cavities because I went to the dentist sometime last year and they scheduled an appointment for fillings but when I showed up, no one was there and they wouldn't answer my calls for months so I gave up. But tonight I was looking at my teeth and I'm pretty sure I see one. I don't see any actual black or decay, just an indent that was hiding behind some tartar, but everyone's always told me that once you can see a cavity it's already too far and the tooth usually needs to be pulled (might not be true, just what I've been told) + I'm hopefully going to make an appointment on Monday but I'm so nervous because my teeth are terrible. I don't have any missing or rotting teeth but I can never remember to brush them and I had hg a couple years ago that turned into a 3 year long problem of throwing up multiple times a day. So they're yellow, have a ton of build up, and I'm pretty sure they told me I have gum disease at my last appointment. I'm so worried they're going to judge me and think I'm disgusting. I'm also terrified of getting fillings because the numbing shots never work fully for me so it's always super painful. + I checked their website and it says that they offer nitrous, conscious sedation, and iv sedation but I'm not even sure my insurance will pay for ""unnecessary sedation"" since nitrous makes me freak out. And then, how would I ask for it without sounding like a drug seeker?? I'm sorry if this seems like rambling. I'm just freaking out.",Anxiety +35527,"Does anyone get a tightness on the left side of their chest when they're stressed or anxious? I do, and it freaks me the fuck out each and every time without fail. Constantly thinking it's my heart.",Anxiety +34345,"New Here Hey there! So, I've been lurking around for a few days and thought I should I produce myself. +I'm a 33 year old stay at home mom to 2 boys. I was diagnosed with GAD at 16. I was on medicine for less than a year, but quit taking it due to not liking the way it made me feel (and not liking my dr, so I didn't want to go back). The anxiety seemed to calm down until my second son was born. I had my first panic attack 5 years ago, but thankfully don't have them often. The health anxiety started around that time too. In August 2016, I finally realized that things were getting bad and asked my gp for help for help and was put on medication and started seeing a counselor. Then my husband went through some job changes, in 2017, and of course lost insurance for 3 months each time. Then in October he accepted a job offer that moved us from Texas to the Midwest. My anxiety was behaving itself during the move and I thought that just maybe it would leave me alone. No such luck. By December, my anxiety was a houseguest of my brain that wouldn't leave. I made an appointment to talk to a dr next week, but now I've found out that she is a clinical social worker? I currently don't have insurance, but I feel that my current way of living is just not working and want to go back on the medicine. Every time I feel an ache, pain, tickle, or sniffle, I freak out. Worse, I'm doing the same thing to my kids and husband. I'm hoping to find a bit of community here and maybe one day, we will all be anxiety free! + +(I'm sorry this is so long!)",Anxiety +34280,"freaking out about dvt!!! Hi all. i literally just found this reddit 20 minutes and, im already. extremely thankful for it, I've suffered with bouts of health anxiety on and off for years and its been one of the most soul crushing things to experience in my life. Lately since I got a big job my anxiety has latched back to my health again because it constantly needs to focus on something with me. I'm a massive worrier in general, its terrible but Im trying my best all the time. a few months ago it hyper fixated on blood clots on my legs and DVT thus causing like intense leg pains and what not i think after months of just fixating on it (and also developing a real actual flu that was debilitating and not from my hell brain I just wore it out of my brain which is cool i guess. except not really because I've recently developed a lump in my neck (most likely frm flu). its painless goes from feeling tender to firm but it swims around a little on my neck and goes from unnoticeable to like really noticeable. what has me freaking out though is that its on top of an artery, we went to the er after i had one really bad freak out and managed to at least get a nurse to check it (we would have stuck around for the doctor but it was like 1am and we would have had to wait til like 5 am. also my mom kind of started giving me flack on all of this bc she's extremely impatient on my hypochondria and really horrible about it) who took my blood pressure and kinda felt it , she assumes its a lymph node and i know a nurse isnt a doctor but im trying my best to be rational in that ok maybe she is right because nurses do experience a lot of shit with patients and should be pretty well versed on things. but idk its been like 2 weeks and its still there and my brain is just. in literal hell . im just freaking out that every day is my last and i just have clot hanging out there even though its like painless and not red or like super hot to touch and in like like the next 20 minutes i mgonna just endure a stroke or something and my brain is fried enough as is so im not even processing thoughts properly or anything. also w hypochondria since im like still googling shit on what it may be!!! im starting to endure what im assuming is sensations im making up like pains in my neck whatever. but im also like paranoid that im actually right on all of this because this is the most real physical thing ive experienced i guess with my hypochondria. also ive seen some stuff with swollen things in necks with cancer and at this point im just trying to not even look into that because i think i'll literally have another break down, im sorry i guess, i just needed to vent somewhere where others would get what im experiencing because at home its been very much condescending and dismissive and i feel extremely trapped and upset. I'd love to go back to the doctors again myself but I have really bad agoraphobia as well and due to how condescending my folks have been with me i feel extremely embarrassed/ashamed/upset on any of my emotions on all of this and how much im fixating. its just really scary and im just really sad at this point. anyway thank you for reading this if you do and being patient with me if you respond",Anxiety +52997,"Is it possible to be physically anxious without being mentally anxious? I woke up this morning with not a thought in my head but was experiencing bad physical symptoms (stomach tight and nervous feeling, chest tight, ect). Just curious if it's possible to be physically anxious when mentally you're doing ok? + +The only other thing I can think of is that I'm mentally anxious about the physical symptoms but would love to hear other people's experiences!",Anxiety +51870,"I’ve been trying to get help for months it’s so frustrating Our healthcare system is so over burdened. The psychiatrist in town has an almost 9 month wait list (but I finally got in). The community/parent support worker I was connected to cancelled our sessions because their department ran out of funding; the program was cut. I’m waiting until they announce the new budget in April and get more funding. Then I’ll get a worker back + +I’m giving every ounce of effort I have to get the supports I need and use them so that I can learn to function on my own. + +I have a 4 year old and I hate how im raising him. I feel like an asshole trying to explain to my dr that even though my house is full of food I struggle to feed him properly because I have no appetite I don’t cook for myself and I don’t know what to feed him. I look at all the food in my cupboard and I can’t make a decision on what to make. But then my son tells me he’s hungry right now so I just microwave a pizza pocket or corn dog for him. +I’m just so tired. I’m failing at everything. I’ve reached out for support and the people in the roles want to help me bc they see me trying. My psychiatrist even has seen me on his days off. It’s just the system as a whole that is underfunded and broken",Anxiety +35094,"How much to say when speaking with your doctor So I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, which I have probably been putting off for too long (I feel like the more I see her, the less seriously she will take me). I have symptoms that have lasted months (or in some cases years, only they've gotten worse), ones that have lasted weeks, and one that just started a few days ago. When I scheduled the appointment, I listed the three most worrisome or annoying symptoms as the reason for going in. My question is just... when I actually go to my appointment, should I read the dr my laundry list of symptoms, or should I just address what I scheduled the appointment for? What do you do when you have many different symptoms? I know that people can have multiple illnesses at once, but the fact that my symptoms are in a few different, probably unrelated areas makes me worry that my dr will just assume that *everything* is in my head (and yes, I'm aware that much of it could be all in my head). I'm also worried that if I mention that all this feeling ill exacerbates my anxiety and that my anxiety exacerbates my feeling ill that she'll write me off as a nut case. + +Tl;dr- I'm experiencing a lot of probably unrelated symptoms. When I see my doctor, should I tell her ALL the symptoms I'm experiencing (and risk being taken less seriously), or just the most concerning ones? What do you do? + +I apologize if this was hard to read.",Anxiety +592,"A restless heart is that people are always looking for other people's faults, until they forget that they often make mistakes themselves.",Anxiety +52320,"can’t sleep cause my whole body is numb i feel so uncomfortable idk if it’s numbness or dpdr but it’s scary, i upped my lexapro a week a go so it might be that but idk help",Anxiety +52279,"Driving Anxiety Hi everyone, I wanted to just put a note here to see if this is a common symptom people experience (even with medication). + +Ever since 2020, I developed severe anxiety that seemed to arise behind the wheel. It started with little things; I would hit a bump and would spend a little longer looking in the rear view mirror than I ordinarily would. + +Eventually, it escalated to the point where I would compulsively circle blocks or pull over just to make sure that these bumps and potholes were not pedestrians. And if I did circle a block, usually there would be OTHER potholes or bumps, which would lead to a mental downward spiral that drove me, quite literally, to insanity. It was one of these spirals that led to my first trip for psychiatric evaluation. + +After beginning medication, this generally subsided to a manageable level, and with CBT I was doing pretty good. Then, in December of 2022, my wife and I were stopped at a red light when us and two other vehicles were completely totalled by an F350 who rear ended us, travelling at roughly 80 KMh. He ran from the incident. Everyone was miraculously not seriously injured, but I’ve been set back to pre medication levels of anxiety while driving. + +This hyper-vigilance (I drive quite a bit) has now lead to significant physical illness for me. From stress, I’ve ground my molars to completely flat, and the tension within my body from being so, braced? I guess? And overly vigilant while driving, is really locking me up. I’ve gained a lot of weight, too. It’s lead to serious depression as I’ve built a life that requires me to have a limber body. + +Does anyone have any similar stories to share? Or even just some relevant encouragement… I’m really getting to the end of my rope lately because of this. + +Thank you beautiful humans, please drive safe and treat yourself gently.",Anxiety +335,"Haven't prayed yet so restless, want to pray still lazy. Astaghfirullah",Anxiety +367,I want to exhale the restlessness in my chest with my breath,Anxiety +52463,"I'm freaking out All my worst fears have been realized. I have had strep throat (confirmed by doctor) for 3 weeks and now I just tested positive for covid (rapid antigen). I spent the night at my partner's and now I'm terrified I got them sick too. They just got over covid a month ago. I would never forgive myself if I got them sick. +I am staying in an air bnb rn because I've just lost my apartment and I'm supposed to catch a flight on friday to move back in with my family who lives an ocean away. +I don't know how this is going to affect my flight and my mental health. I feel physically and mentally ill. I just don't know what to do.",Anxiety +52865,"Asked my parents (who I don't live with) for an extra 10 or so a week spending money and they've turned it into a big thing I am currently under an intense care plan as an outpatient at a mental health hospital. One of the nurses suggested asking for an extra amount of allowance. 'well off' (but not rich) parents completely fund me while I'm at university as my loan is less than my rent. + +I was debating asking for weeks, me and my parents have had a strained relationship in the past to say the least, some definitely their fault, some a mix of both of our faults. Anyway, it's left a gap between us that I haven't been brave enough to cross. + +But last night I asked them, told them I wasn't struggling with the current allowance it would purely be for an extra nice thing a week to help me get by during these times. IMO they've blown it way out of proportion, they wanted a phone call today to log all my spending and now they're wanting to come and visit me TODAY. It's sending my anxiety haywire this is why I don't open up or ask anything from my parents. + +What do I do? Say no to them visiting all together? I'm 100% fine with keeping the current allowance, I just want a yes or a no to have some closure on this conversation with my parents. + +So, I'll repeat my question: (with your limited knowledge of my life) What do I do??",Anxiety +52773,"Tired Does anyone also feels like this anxiety won’t ever go away? I (17 M) had my first panic attack about 2 months ago and I have never been the same since then, I’m going to therapy and haven’t been prescribed with meds yet, sometimes I feel better than others, but the most minimum thing will give me so much anxiety.",Anxiety +34680,"Losing appetite Hi guys, not sure if this is the right category to post in but hoping I can get some tips here in regards to increasing my appetite. These past few months I've been experiencing a lot of stress from work and study and I have lost my appetite to eat. Everytime I eat I feel like throwing up. Any suggestion on how to combat this? Thanks ",Anxiety +52231,I hate this I had a random panic attack last night and I feel so bad today. I've decided to come to work rather than stay home and recover because it makes my wife worry so much. This is hell.,Anxiety +35315,How and when did your health anxiety start? What was your trigger?,Anxiety +52022,"I recently got diagnosed with GAD and need help with how to cope with potential panic attacks Monday I have a panic attack and was diagnosed with GAD. + +I'm only 18 years old and I do stress and I have had anxiety before but not that I've had a full on panic attack I feel like it's taking over my everyday things. + +Last night I had one and this morning when I woke up I almost had one but I managed through it. + +So far I've been outside and that helps me but doesn't make it go away fully. + +I went to eat at a restaurant and right when I walked it I got panicky and couldn't eat my food because I couldn't hold it down and I had to swallow the 2 bites I did take WITH WATER. + +I know this is temporary and I plan to work out and get a therapist and MAYBE take meds but is there anything I can remember to know for next time? + +It hasn't been a full week and I've had 2 panic attack and almost another. + +I'm anxious about being anxious cause that will trigger a possible attack + +Panic attacks make it feel like I'm having a heart attack or anything life threating. + +I should enjoy life but ik this is something that will take some time to deal with. + +My hands shake a little and I still have a fast heart beat even when I don't feel panicky. It also feels like a pit in my stomach is waiting for a thought to pop up for me to panic. + +When waking up today I panicked and walking it off reminded me of Monday when I walking and had the panic attack. + +Anything I should know for next time?",Anxiety +35652,What horrible disease do you have right now? For me it's HIV. The worst part is that it doesn't feel completely ridiculous since I did have unprotected sex. Only have to wait 2-3 whole months to get a reliable test for that one 🤷‍♀️,Anxiety +34119,"Heart fluttering So my doctor knows I have hypochondria, and he's a bit old fashioned, so he rarely goes out of his way to look for something that might be wrong with me. However, I've been having (among other things) severe heart palpitations a couple times a minute most of the time, and he simply dismissed it as ""probably nothing"". Should I be worried? This happens even when I'm not anxious in the slightest, and very regularly, and I figure heart conditions should be looked into",Anxiety +34302,"Having flu. Body aches. I have the flu (i think), coughing, sore throat, headache - i don't care about that stuff, as long its just flu, but one symptoms of flu is body aches. I have body aches just normally which I can get stressed over, but now they are stronger. And the worst part is that the other symptoms of flu has mostly passed 1 day ago but I still have the body aches... damn. Which makes my brain think that the body aches might not be flu etc, you get the drift.. I don't know what i want, maybe see if someone can relate.. but yeah just wanted to write it down + + +edit: the pains are mostly in the abdomen area and sides. that's always the places i get aches. ",Anxiety +52609,"constamt tension headaches and face pain Im 19f im a university student and since last may i have constant headaches ...all tests came clear mri, blood tests, ct scans ...etc anything possible im healthy . At this point no one believes me. I experience constant tension headache, sometimes if im lucky it goes away for a week but it comes just as easily after minor stress occurence or bad sleep night. Also facial tension and pain i feel like i have brick on my face 24/7 and heavy eyes. Eye test came all back very good ...i am diagnosed with anxiety and take SSRI'S to manage but u never even considered that anxiety or any stress could cause this. Could it be true ? Its been to long i tried lot of things ...but it never dissapears. I am anxious person but even when im calm it still seems to be there. It does not take a lot to provoke it . Can anyone honestly give me advice or just ...tell me your experience ? Do you think anxiety could be causing this ?",Anxiety +52256,,Anxiety +231,"I just want to pass, there are so many obstacles « I'm so tired guyssss I want to rest for a while but I can't seem nervou",Anxiety +314,"My mind is really divided, until I fell asleep like I was feeling anxious, but I don't know what to worry about.",Anxiety +52860,"Some advice to my people Hello, + +I've been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, and while I take a ridiculous amount of meds for it including lorazapam, pregablin etc, I was informed about Magnesium and I wanted to share this with you. + +So a lot of us get anxiety attacks triggered by the stress hormone cortisol, magnesium works by by stimulating the production of melatonin and serotonin which boost your mood and help you sleep. Magnesium also reduces the production of cytokines and cortisol, which lead to increased inflammation and stress. + +It's important that you don't over do it as you can poison yourself with magnesium, and you also have to make sure it's aspartate, citrate, lactate, and chloride forms as oxide apparently doesn't absorb as well. + +Speak to your pharmacist or Dr if you're mixing medication, but I have been able to reduce the amount of lorazapam I've needed since starting mag and its helped a lot with sleep. I'm truly impressed.",Anxiety +340,Feeling restless,Anxiety +52894,"Had a really bad turn the last few days Hi everyone, I've had anxiety for the last 6 months or so in varying levels. From January I was in a decent headspace with it but the last three weeks it's got worse and then the last four days or so it's gone off a cliff. + +It's all I think about all day long, I had panic attacks on Monday and Wednesday and my heart is racing all day. Where before I'd wake up rested now I wake up with my heart racing and frequently my muscles are spasming which is scary. The thought of doing normal stuff feels impossible and I can't shake this feeling I can't get better than this ever again. + +I spoke to my doctor on Thursday and he prescribed propranolol which I took yesterday for the first time which helped with the body stuff but my mind was still racing. + +Has anyone experienced similar and have any tips? I feel like this is really really bad and worse than most people have anxiety.",Anxiety +52459,"Evening Scaries? Hi Friends- I'm struggling with the evening scaries. + +I am an Aphant, inner monologue only, zero visual abilities, fact-based recall exclusively. + +I'm struggling in the evenings. Typically it would be called something like the Sunday Scaries I'm experiencing. However, it is every evening now. + +To my knowledge, I do not dream at all in any traditional sense. I'm feeling a physical, visceral reaction to going to bed. There is an overwhelming anxiety to it that is almost paralyzing. It has been happening for a while, but now I'm ready to mention it to yall. + +Once I get to bed, I fall asleep, no problem. It is getting there. It's terrifying. For some reason, my body refuses to go. I have anxiety, but this doesn't feel like worse. It feels like something else, a sense of dread or fear. + +What I've tried: cut caffeine out, eat a proper supper, and have recent blood work done. Breathing exercises, tea etc. I'm doing the things I can think of to help. + +But I can't shake it. Everyone's knee-jerk is to visualize me somewhere else, and well..... I can't. + +Any feedback would be incredibly appreciated! + +Right now I’m sticking to a Xanax, unisom, and melatonin to get me to bed.",Anxiety +52959,"Derealization during good times? Does anyone else experience derealization during the good times? For example, Christmas, birthday parties, concerts. Like I tell myself “you need to soak this in” and then it feels like it barely even happened. Is this normal?",Anxiety +34812,"I think my HA is back I was doing well with my HA for the past year. + +From my post history, you can see I had a small episode in December, I had a loss of feeling in my foot that lasted almost all month but I managed to stay chill (my friends freaked out more than I did, and that made me question if I am too chill, but overall I had no panic attacks or sleepless nights or anything). I went to a doctor after it lasted over 10 days and was sure it's just my back. I was prescribed some medicine for two weeks and got better, can feel my leg again. My doctor did schedule MRI for my back just to check why it happened, and since I have a sedentary job and have had minor back pain here and there, I was happy with that. MRI is next week. + +Now, this will get graphic. What is freaking me out right now is my bowel movements. I noticed that my BMs are a bit weird in August, I would get more constipated from time to time, feeling an incomplete evacuation from time to time, and I started to need to go more frequent (sometimes up to 4-5 times per day, usually I'd go 1-2 times per day). Since I was on my ""let's beat HA"" kick, I wrote it off to ""probably not eating as well as I should"" or ""maybe it's stress"". I had no pain or other issues and I had good BMs as well. + +Those symptoms did not go away, I got used to needing to go more often, got used to mild constipation mixed with occasional diarrhea but a month ago I noticed that I often would feel like I need to go but all that would come out would be a few thin pieces. And 10-15 minutes later I would feel like I need to go again. Then every 3-4 days I will get one somewhat bigger, normal-ish BM and would feel better (empty) for one day, then the cycle starts again. So for the last few months, and especially last month, I've had the following symptoms: + +\- Change in the character or frequency of bowel movements + +\- Thin, ribbon-like stools + +\- A sensation of incomplete evacuation after a bowel movement (almost all the time now), persistent urge to have a bowel movement (also almost all the time) + +\- Feeling back pain (could be unrelated, but it is low back pain) + +\- Lately, lots of mucus + +\- Lots of gas + +\- Occasional rectal pain + +\- Very occasional blood (maybe once per two weeks or less) + +My diet hasn't changed, I eat plenty of fiber, I don't eat meat or dairy. I know that as a 29-year-old, I should not be worried about colon cancer. I know my HA probably has made it something it's not. But I think what is freaking me out is not having a ""positive story"" for this. Like for my leg, I could tell myself ""it might be sciatic nerve, chill"", when my chest hurts, I know ""it's probably GERD"" etc. But I don't have a non-threatening explanation for these symptoms so I can feel my HA levels rising. Part of me is still clinging to ""this might be something else, you're fine"" but part of is ""you know what these symptoms mean, don't you"". + +I know that these symptoms are enough to go to a doctor, especially based on how long they have been there. Actually, I might have been stupid by not going to a doctor sooner. But I already have back MRI scheduled and I've been through so many bouts of HA, I know that as soon as my doctor will say something like ""let's get a colonoscopy"", I won't be able to sleep or eat at all. + +I don't really know what's the point of this post, since nobody can tell me what's wrong or what this could be, we're not doctors here and I should talk to mine. I guess I just needed to let it all out and know I am not alone and it fucking sucks to get HA back after a year of normal living. :( + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +51993,"worst panic attack ever My cat just got put to sleep. My anxiety is through the roof, I feel like crying, but every time I start to cry I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. My anxiety is extremely physical, I just felt like I had a literal heart attack. My chest felt extremely funny, it hurt, my heart started to race, I got really dizzy and my legs and hands went numb and tingly. I don’t know what to do, I have had panic disorder for a year now, but this has to be the worst panic attack to date. +Please help me",Anxiety +52963,"Thumb twitching? Not sure if this is anxiety but it’s been doing this for a while + +https://streamable.com/q34ads",Anxiety +383,"Oh God, why am I in this house by nature angry, angry, anxious, anxious, restless, when my mouth is open, my heart is full of malice",Anxiety +547,"I can't sleep, I'm so restless thinking about the future @ @",Anxiety +33923,"Bladder cancer and heart disease I'm 26 I kno that my age doesn't mean I'm invincible to all cancers or disease + +But can I have reassurance + +I pee a lot sometimes like 5+ an hour + +Idk. And I think have heart disease cuz I get skipped beats when I exercise so does that mean my heart cant handle stress",Anxiety +34611,"Have no idea what to say about this any ideas? I'm only 12... This is my results from the color quiz not edited and reading it feels like me and I can confirm it is. Btw really like fucking scary accurate test xD check out color quiz + +Color Test - Results + +Your Existing Situation +""Is sensitive and easily influenced by other's thoughts and emotions. Looking for friendly, easy-going relationships and jobs that help develop them."" + +Your Stress Sources +""His normal flexible and stubborn attitude has become weakened because he feels overworked, tired and as if he is stuck in a rut. The situation seems helpless and is causing him to physically feel the strain, he is searching for a solution but he is unable to make a decision on how to go about making the changes."" + +Your Restrained Characteristics +""Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents him from becoming too involved."" + +His confidence is low but he is unable to admit that is the reason for his avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of his control and he is making the best of it. + +His arrogance causes him to take offense quickly. Only those closest to him know deep down he is sensitive and sentimental. + +""He is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity, but can be restless and emotionally distant so he never really gets too involved with others."" + +Your Desired Objective +""Feels as if he has been held back from many things, and that other things have always tried to dominate him. He now feels he has to make up for lost time by living an overly intense lifestyle."" + +Your Actual Problem +""Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of his control, leaves him feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. He escapes the situation by throwing himself into new activities and insisting he get his own way. Appears to be in control of himself, which he isn't, leading to outbursts of anger."" + +Your Actual Problem #2 +Is afraid he will be held back from obtaining the things he wants leading him to act out with a hectic intensity.",Anxiety +35425,"Worried sick - lump on lower leg/ankle. Any idea what it could be? 23 year old female here. For the past month I’ve had a lump on my lower leg by my shin. At first it was red and felt just like a bruise when I touched it. Although I was a bit concerned at first because I do not usually bruise with a lump, I passed it off as one. Now one month later the lump is still there. What concerns me even more is how the pain has disappeared yet the lump and redness remains. Thoughts?",Anxiety +51992,"Politics has made me anxious again, I just want something to finally go right. Hello. + +So my country is going to have an election in the fall. Politics used to stress me out much more in the past; I've since then cut a lot of the sites that were stressing me out and most days, I feel pretty good and don't really worry about it that much. My country has been ruled by religious extremists who are incredibly bigoted for eight years now- I'm so tired of their constant discriminatory comments, blatant disregard for any sort of decency and integrity and they overall just make me so tired and anxious and sad. They've started to rule when I was a teen, and I'm a young adult and they're still at the helm. It seems like they will win this year again, and another, even more extreme religious conservatist party has a chance at becoming the third biggest power. + +I fell into a mental hole and I can't get out of it. I know that the elections will be in the fall and it's early spring, but I just feel so depressed and powerless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that it will always just be horrible. I know that it's my brain making a bigger deal out of it than it should, but I'm just so tired of it all- can at least one thing go how I want politically? + +How do you deal with feelings like these?",Anxiety +35345,"Terrified of ALS/MS or some kind of serious neurological condition I am a 24-year-old male. I'm overweight but otherwise healthy as of a full physical with CBC 6 months ago. I usually go for a walk for about a half hour during my lunch break. I guess about 3 weeks ago, I went out and I felt very tired after a few minutes. My legs were burning and I felt like I had to like drag them. After that I freaked out about what could be wrong with me. Since then, I dread lunchtime because I go for a walk, feel tired, and get very anxious afterwards as a result. The whole time I'm walking I'm thinking I'm going to collapse, or I'm not going to be able to make to back to the office, etc. Today I went out and my left leg felt worse than my right, which is why I started to fear ALS, because I readf It affects one limb worse than the other. The muscle in the front of my calf was burning so much I felt like I had to drag it. The whole afternoon I sat at my desk flexing my legs and it feels like the right one is stronger. I know I'm out of shape and need to lose weight, but I've never had problems like this before as a result of my anxiety. I'm going to make an appointment to go to the doctor tomorrow morning, but I'm the meantime I'm just imagining hearing I have ALS and only have a few years to live. ",Anxiety +35339,Rash on breast I woke up this morning to a rash on my right breast. Immediately went to urgent care and she told me to come back in three days if it doesn’t get better. I fell down the worm hole of WebMD and it’s telling me I have all sorts or cancers or HIV. I just got a general health panel done about two weeks ago and my blood looked fine. Would a general health panel be able to detect cancer or other underlying diseases? ,Anxiety +586,"If you're nervous for no reason, why the heck?",Anxiety +34211,"Worried about the Flu. Hey guys, I've always been extremely worried about my health and I always think that something is wrong with me. The flu going around is quite severe, and for two days now i've been feeling a bit run down. My cough has not worsened in two days, and I have not run a fever. My glands in my neck are swollen, though. I am so worried that I have the flu. +I never really worried about catching the flu, but since the strain this season seems to be killing many people, I am extremely worried. +Do my symptoms sound like flu symptoms? + +Thanks for your responses.",Anxiety +34895,"Have you experienced death? I’m just curious. I am a 30yo female and I have had anxiety, and health-specific anxiety, since I was about 14. I attribute it to the fact that I have lost so many people in the last 30 years. I won’t go into details as to not trigger any anxiety or panic. In a nut shell, most of the death has been untimely and traumatic. I think it just manifested into anxiety for me. Anyone else have similar experiences? + +Oh and side note, some of the deaths have been due to overdoses which has made taking medicine very anxiety provoking as well. Fun stuff. ",Anxiety +33932,"Panic attacks and asthma So recently I’ve been having regular panic attacks again after them being gone for about 5 and a half months. I am managing them ok (to my standards) but I have one problem. At a young age I was diagnosed with asthma and I still use my inhaler from time to time. Because of this whenever I have a panic attack I’m ok until I think about the usual “breathing exercises.” Then I get super conscious about my breathing and hyperventilate, thinking I’m suffering from an asthma attack even though I know it isn’t one. How do I stop this?",Anxiety +52577,"Why am I not able to cut out sugar?! So my MD tells me that I should cut out sugar and that the body can run without it. + +I suffer from extreme anxiety 24/7 and when i try cutting out sugar I get weak and my stomach is turning inside out, my body aches from craving sugar. + +I tried cutting out 3 times. The longest was 23 days. I just continuously got worse. At the end I was just lying in bed in horrid pain. + +It feels like my body needs that extra sugar in order to cope with the draining anxiety. + +Also my blood sugar levels stay stable with or without sugar.",Anxiety +51945,"10 years of Celexa/Lexapro and thinking of making the switch to Zoloft I’ve noticed the frequency of stressful events leading to anxiety cycles and acute depression has been quite alarming and figured, maybe the meds have finally pooped out. + +I’m in therapy, I’m doing yoga, I’m keeping busy, I’ve got a loving partner; it’s just this lil demon in my head seems to be gaining more and more +experience points and has been gaining a foothold on my day to day. + +Thoughts or opinion of those who have been meds this long? + +Thanks!",Anxiety +434,I'm so restless when I can calm down y,Anxiety +35255,"Has anyone been cured of health anxiety? I’m getting to the point of where I’m just fed up with this. I know my anxiety is irrational yet I still can’t help but worry myself into a panic attack everytime I have the mildest of symptoms. Most of my health anxiety revolves around chest pains I get. I’ve seen countless doctors and specialists and they’re convinced it’s either musculoskeletal or anxiety related. Yet everytime I feel that mild ache in my chest that most people would probably ignore I feel convinced that this time its it. This time its really a heart attack or some other life threatening event. I’ve even bought myself a portable ekg monitor which I use almost every time I have my chest pain symptoms to calm myself down. Has anyone been cured of this? This health anxiety is relatively new for me. It started in October 2018 when I first started experiencing these mild chest pains, yet I have no significant risk factors for heart disease nor do any of the countless medical tests I’ve had done to me indicate I have heart disease yet its not enought to put my mind at ease. This is really starting to affect my life as I’m scared of going out and doing fun stuff thinking I’ll get a heart attack or something else and won’t get help in time. Will seeing a therapist or some other health professional help?",Anxiety +52606,"Just found out i got cheated on again. 20F I have no words to describe what i feel right now. I'm so exhausted of this but i can't leave him, i feel like i'll be worse without him. I have an interview tomorrow and i don't know how i will be able to do great with this on my mind. I feel like the dumbest bitch ever. This kills me. I have no one to talk to. I hate this shit",Anxiety +34912,Not feeling myself Lately I haven’t been feeling myself. I just feel weird or off. Idk if this could be DR/DP. Whatever it is it really scares me and makes me think I’m going crazy or that I’m going to die or my brain isn’t working right. Has anyone experienced this? ,Anxiety +34467,"Breast Cancer Worries Hi everyone, I'm sure this is nothing new but I really needed to get it out. + + +My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago and is currently going through chemo. I've had bad health anxiety all my life and my mom's diagnosis has pretty much put me over the edge. + + +My left breast (same as the one she found her cancer in) felt sore, so of course I squeezed and kneaded the hell out of it trying to feel something. I didn't feel anything other than the fact that it is slightly bigger than the other, which is something I've known for a while but now I'm second guessing myself. The soreness went away with my last period, and then returned this month. Again, I squeezed and checked it compulsively. I cannot keep my hands off it. Always checking to see if it feels better or worse. My SO gently suggested that this isn't helping but I can't seem to stop. Now that my period has arrived, it feels much better but there's still one spot that hurts to poke. I've also lost 70lbs in the past couple years so my breasts don't look great for a 26 year old and I think that contributes to my worry. I'm always looking for symmetry to assuage my fears. + + +And now I've developed a rash that I'm pretty sure is from stress. It started on my stomach and is spreading. This prompted me to look up inflammatory breast cancer and I've basically given myself a death sentence. I'm going to the clinic tomorrow to have it checked out but every fibre of my being wants to cancel and just hope it goes away. I'm also going to request a referral for an ultrasound. + + +I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I usually talk to my parents about my fears but obviously I don't want to bring this up. Besides the anxiety it's causing, I also feel so horrible and selfish. Has anyone else imagined (or basically given themselves) symptoms after a family member or friend has been diagnosed with an illness? Any suggestions on how to function normally? I'm exhausted from the constant adrenaline rushes :( + +Thank you",Anxiety +52444,"Are there any natural remedies for anxiety? Hello people, I wanted to know if there's any natural remedies for anxiety? Suggestions would help.",Anxiety +35871,I’ve been just kind of denying or ignoring this problem for awhile... Occasionally I get either bright red blood in the bowl or like these weird pinkish red chunks in it. Like I ate a shredded reddish pink peep and came back out the same on the other end. I’ve had a colonoscopy and I was told I have internal hemorrhoids. But I didn’t mention this. I’m an idiot I know. I have an appointment in May and I promise I’ll tell my doctor then. Unrelated but I was in a car accident recently. I go to college out of state so my parents came up to help me as I am injured. It happened again today (I highly doubt it is related to the accident as this has been happening for years). I want to finally tell them but I’m afraid they’ll think it’s related to the accident and freak out thinking I’m dying and rush me to the er. I could email my doc as this is easier to admit over email rather than spoken word. But I am also afraid the doc will freak out and try to get me to go to the er. Do I wait til the appointment or what?,Anxiety +35514,"Any Tips for Calming Yourself? My anxiety manifests itself as pain. Normally in a calf, thigh, or my left shoulder. I know this is from my anxiety. It happens, and then I realize I'm anxious, which makes it worse. Has anyone learned how to help themselves when something like this happens? I have just started seeing a counselor, who is booked at least a month out ",Anxiety +35119,I WANT THIS FEELING TO END!!! I just want this feeling to end I feel the older I got the more worried I got about dying I've been anxious since I was 13 I'm now 32 over the years it was roller coaster some days I wasn't anxious at all mom kept me busy with sports cheer in 2009 3 family members died my cousin being 16 scared me so much I didn't even want go out in 2011 two more family members died my cousin being a young mom leaving her babies behind made me think if got took her being a mom why wouldn't he take me being young so my anxiety went from a 2 to a 10 and I haven't been able to control it seeing cardiologist different drs because I want to be reassured Im not dying =( I don't want be this way anymore I just want be okay I want live ,Anxiety +52558,"I’m Awkward I started a new job about 6 months ago and I am soooo awkward at work. I don’t know how to make small talk, i get nervous just talking to coworkers. I have to think a lot to even build my sentence. And a lot of times, I just nervously ramble off topic or take things too literally. + +My brain is literally overthinking whenever I speak at work. How do I deal with this? Any advice on how to make small talk without being awkward?",Anxiety +53025,"Waking up with a feeling of discomfort in the body Hi, I wake up every day with discomfort in my hands, calves and feet. +It is not really pain but it is very unpleasant and difficult to explain. +So I would like to know if anyone has ever had these sensations?",Anxiety +34709,Something stuck in throat Not sure what this is but I think it is mucus/cold stuck in throat and it comes up close in my throat but it never comes out my mouth any idea what this might be?,Anxiety +35528,"Solvent exposure I was working on a project involving supergluing wood together, and to assist the drying of the superglue I used a glue accelerator, which I believe with alot of exposure can cause brain damage. I think I used a decent bit too much and I got high off of it. I feel light headed, I’m out of focus, my head feels heavy and fuzzy. Did I give myself brain damage? I am super paranoid about permanently injuring my intellectual capacity, and I probably won’t ever use accelerator again, but have I already reduced my memory and processing power? Is it a practically non-existent or have I actually permanently hurt myself albeit slightly?",Anxiety +35104,Random coughing fit? Not sick Last night I I felt like I was coughing up a lung for 5 minutes like how I do when I’m sick. But i’m not sick and haven’t coughed at all today. Trying not to google lung cancer. What are some normal things thay could cause such a bad coughing fit without having a cold?,Anxiety +34884,"To medicate or not to medicate? Hello friends. This is my first post here. I’ve been admiring the confidence that you all have in sharing your concerns and stories. Thank you for your honesty. I have enjoyed learning from each interesting thing that you all have to say. + +I have been dealing with severe health anxiety for a little over 1 year now. The destruction it has done is devastating. + +I am entering into a new chapter in my life with many new important roles. Going back to school for my bachelors is one of them. I will need to be face-to-face with many of my specific fears and phobias. + +I’ve been considering starting medication for anxiety, such as Buspar. This scares me. My health anxiety is thinking of all of the possible side effects. + +I am tempted to do this because I want relief. Counseling has only helped mildly. +CBT has only helped mildly. +I want to be normal again. + +Thoughts? +",Anxiety +52183,"panic freezing all month during work I don’t know if thats an actual term or not. All I know is I have been sitting at my desk, feeling frozen, staring at the screen. + +I know that I know how to do most of my job. But I’m petrified of things that haven’t happened yet, or that I think will happen. I will subconsciously do anything to divert my mind from actually lifting my hand and starting my work. A cycle of living in fear of everything I worked for falling apart..just because I’m having crippling anxiety the last few months. + +Its so frustrating to even look at myself be this way knowing how hard i can work. Instead, I’m here panicking internally about everything happening all the time, whats due, whats coming up, not really being 100% clear on anything. + + +Its been a very difficult two years for me and i feel like its all coming down at once ..after just drowning it all on micro distractions to keep my mind at bay. + +I told my boss (a relative) im going to come by on friday and discuss something. Something being im losing grip of myself and I need to step down. + +Ive already been dealing with the internal battle of if thats the right thing to do, or the cowardly thing to do. Still don’t + know if im just feeling sorry for myself or actually deserve a break. Either way, I’m still going to be jobless after, up to my neck in bills and responsibilities im still trying to manage. + +I put everything into what i do with every job. blood sweat and tears. I just get so invested, and always come out the other side completely stripped bare emotionally, physically, mentally. + +I am not sure if this is going to be the case for every job. What if this keeps happening? What if stepping down and moving on just circles right back with the next job? I want to escape this pattern.",Anxiety +35758,"Always make sure my room is tidy in case I have to call 911 I live my life thinking that I'm gonna have to call 911 because something's gonna happen to me so I make sure my bedroom or whatever is clean so they can come get me and not judge me over the tidiness of my room. +Does anyone else do this? I feel like it's become ridiculous at this point honestly.",Anxiety +151,"I'm excited but I don't know why, there's no reason, I'm nervous, I have a stomach ache but I'm scared, I know I'm tired, this is the third time today, hah — hah :)",Anxiety +52338,"Is this okay for a therapist to do? When I was talking to her about my difficult/manipulative relationship with my dad and how he suddenly started ignoring me over the smallest thing she asked me how I felt about it, when I said that I was feeling angry then she asked me “what else?” I said “maybe also disgust of him” then she again said “what else?” i got stuck for words because well that’s it? i’m not sure that i feel anything else, but she was waiting for the answer and I answered something like “confusion” then she again asked me the same question and I told her “that’s all”. and this is the part I’m not sure about: she then said “i think you also feel sadness, tell me do you want to cut contacts with him?” I told her that probably yes, i’m ready for this and determined to do it. but she implied that this is not what I want and told me to think about it and tell her on the next session. since then i feel really uncomfortable with her and i’m thinking about leaving therapy. i don’t know maybe i just overthink and it’s not what it’s actually like?",Anxiety +52059,inhaler ive been having breathing problems recently and i went to the doctor and they gave me an inhaler. i used it and now im coughing up mucus. im vety anxious right now. is this normal??,Anxiety +34762,"Terrified I have diabetes 220 lb F, 5’2”. Experiencing recent tingling in heels, shakiness, increase urination, blurred vision in one eye. I’m absolutely terrified I have type 2 diabetes and could go into diabetic shock at any moment. I’m losing weight, have lost 4 lbs so far, but I’m worried about my health in the mean-time. I can’t go to the doctor, I have a blood and needle phobia. Should I buy a glucose monitor and test myself? Any tips for dealing with possible diabetes ?",Anxiety +34539,"Lymphoma fear Hey guys. I've been having a swollen lymph node ever since June and it's freaking me out. I had a full CBC in April and everything seemed perfect aside from a little high cholesterol. + +After the tests everything started going haywire. In June I noticed the painless (sometimes it hurts) lymph node, started feeling tired (I've been building more muscle mass but my strength is getting lower), I started getting shortness of breath randomly (mostly when lying down), random itchiness non-localized and some pressure in my neck. My veins suddenly became very visible in my hands and feet (I think I'm pale but other people don't agree) and my tongue sometimes burns after eating and gets a bit swollen. + +I'm really freaking out right now.",Anxiety +644,Why are you restless at night..,Anxiety +346,"I get traumatized. when he was a child, he was said to be ugly because he had a mole. When I grew up around high school I was also said to be ugly with a guy. Do you have a mole, is it a defect? is it a mistake i have a mole? I don't know why lately I'm starting to worry about this problem again",Anxiety +396,"Overthinking, restless, dizzy, tired, wants to cry, sucks in starting to enter the room",Anxiety +35249,"Swollen lymph node in neck and groin for months Hello! + +So I’ve always had lymph nodes that I can feel easily. The two underneath my jaw swelled up when I was about 12 and remain enlarged now I’m 21. About a year ago I had felt a squishy node in my neck (it’s smaller than a grape) and also one of the same size in my groin region. They are moveable. O do not recall any reasons for them swelling up. + +I went to the DR in September who didn’t seem concerned about them, but told me to go back if they didn’t disappear in a few weeks. Of course they’re still here,and I chose not to go back to the DR as I had no other symptoms and thought the stress of having scans etc would do more harm than good. + +I’ve felt absolutely fine since the , the nodes haven’t increased in size. But I read a story about how lymph nodes should always go down, and now I’m scared I have lymphoma.This is giving me massive anxiety and symptoms :( + +I plan to ask the Dr tomorrow, but I think I just want some reassurance until then as I’m driving myself crazy! ",Anxiety +582,"Between sad, anxious, ah! Gtw deh",Anxiety +52228,"Random thoughts ⚠️ im not asking for medical diagnosis i just dont know where to ask, help!⚠️ + +Hello everyone, I want to ask about something, sometimes I will be just living life doing normal things and all of the sudden I get a ""bad"" thought, for example getting hit by a car or something, and I imagine myself the way I am at the moment, bit then I quickly I try to modify the thought like switching the colour of my jacket, by doing that the thought that I had wasn't real because I don't have that coloured jacket and thus no bad thing will happen. WHAT IS THAT?",Anxiety +34644,"Balamuthia I have severe health anxiety. I go to therapy for it and had it well under control. However, in January, my ex husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. We have a daughter together. Since then, this shit has been out of control. I can't leave her parentless. I can't. + +In my depression and mourning since her dad died, we have been pretty inactive. I'm not a gardener. I don't plant things. I take care of my house plants and that's it. On a whim, I bought some flowers at Wal-Mart. I thought it would be nice for us to plant them together. I wanted get back into being a normal mom, a good mom. + +So, we're outside planting these beautiful flowers. I'm a hypo already and I couldn't stop thinking about damn N. Fowleri, of all things. I know I can't get it from dirt, but we were breathing in so much of it! I didn't know to wet the ground before digging. We just went after it. I thought breathing through my mouth would keep me safe. Wrong and stupid. By the time we get back inside, my nose is all stuffy and my throat hurts. I assume this is from dirt and allergens. I ignored my compulsion to Google for a little while. Then I got a weird metallic taste in my mouth and that was it. + +I found Balamuthia Mandrillaris. FML. Fast forward two days. My eyes hurt, like they're tired. I had some brief photo sensitivity, but I attributed that to playing Skyrim all day yesterday in an attempt to maintain control over my thoughts. My sinuses are still full, but I'm not congested. I can feel popping and pressure in there, but no snot and I can breathe fine. My irrational brain tells me that this is a direct result of amoeba eating away my soft tissue. It is not possible for this to be run of the mill allergies or a sinus infection. My head doesn't throb or anything. It's a like a sinus headache, but very vague. I can move my neck and all just fine. I don't know if I have a fever. The kid hid the thermometer some where. It's messed up, I felt fine when I woke up this morning. No nasal problems. It wasn't until later on it started up again. Now my face is twitching in weird places. Which I read is also a symptom of the amoeba infection. + +I already know this is rare. I've researched it thoroughly. I'm scheduled to see my doctor tomorrow, but I want to go to the ER. I can't just up and take my kid with me though. I can't let this shit disrupt her life. She's spent many hours with me in the ER already. What am I supposed to do though? I know something isn't right. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my baby alone. The inside of my nose is twitching as I type this. And I don't want to be the one person on this forum that guessed right about some horrible disease. Help me y'all. Please.",Anxiety +34856,"How do get over mild hearing loss in right ear? I've been crying and depressed. I've had health anxiety for a long time, but none of my fears have come true until now. It all started when I saw a video of tinnitus sufferers getting a temporary relief. I had no idea what tinnitus was so I googled it. Turns out I have a mild form of that and hearing things when it's quiet is not normal, it's tinnitus. I was shocked since I've had that ALL my life. I remember hearing the ""sound of silence"" AKA the ringing in my ears since I was very young. I was really shocked and scared at that time, since I never noticed this before. But that's not the peak of my misery. I read that tinnitus is often accompanied with hearing loss in any way. I then did countless online tests and always came back with the top score. + +However, I found an app that makes an audiogram of separate ears and how much hearing loss you have in them. I got my results and they said I had mild hearing loss in my right ear in the mid-range frequencies (but not the higher ones). I didn't think much of it at first until I tried blocking each ear individually to see if there was any difference in hearing and now I can hear a magnificent difference. My right hear is more muffled when I block out my left ear and my left ear sounds perfect. + +How do I get over this? I got out of my depressive state around 6 months ago and have been doing so good since.. until I noticed all of this. I don't feel normal. I feel like I'm handicapped now and PERMANENTLY. This word is what makes all this so scary.. permanent. Means that I will NEVER hear normally in the right ear and this devastates me. Might devastate me more than the average person since I make music and music used to be a big part of my coping mechanism with depression. Please help how I can get over this, I can't accept that I have hearing loss even though it's mild. I don't know what to do. I can't afford a counselor and I don't want to tell my parents about this. I feel suicidal.",Anxiety +34343,"Can't stop worrying For the past few weeks I've been having flashing in my vision. It's usually a very small white light that appears for a split second then goes away once I try to look at it. Well ever since that started happening I've like been sent over the edge and am almost constantly worrying that I have a myriad of neurological diseases, from a stroke to retinal detachment to a brain tumor. I've also been having stomach pains like nausea for the past few days but I'm not sure if im making up phantom nausea because I'm worried I have a brain tumor. I also have had some on and off mild headaches but like I said above I could just be imagining it into existence. I went in yesterday for a full eye exam and the optomologist said my eyes, retina and all are in perfect condition. Because of this I am now more than ever convinced I have a brain tumor and am about to die. Sorry for the rant I just needed somewhere to vent. + + +tl;dr I have been having eye problems and am worried I have all of the eye issues.",Anxiety +52948,"College Student w/ Anxiety: Dating Life I first developed severe anxiety and panic disorder in my senior year of high school. I can proudly say that with perseverance, proper medication, and the help of my lovely therapist, family, and friends, I was able to complete my senior year and begin college in the fall. I’ve taken a liking to this guy in my class, and we will hang out this weekend. I am very inexperienced in the dating world as I’ve only really gone out with three guys ever… none of which lasted more than a few months. Though I had not been diagnosed with anxiety in my sophomore year of high school, I began dating this guy whom I was pretty infatuated with. However, the first time he put his arm around me, I shook uncontrollably. I misread that as a sign that he wasn’t suitable for me when it was just anxiety. Fast forward to now, I am anxious about seeing this guy this weekend, and I am scared that these feelings of fear won’t go away even if we continue to see each other. Has anyone else been through this? What should I do? I don’t want to be limited from dating but l my body is giving me unclear signals of what to do.",Anxiety +52730,"Road Test anxiety I'm 21 years old and I don't have my liscence. I've taken the road test three times in the past year, the last time I took it was on Thursday of last week. I bombed. Hard. I made sure I knew everything and what to do, I'm decent for a new driver, I know how to do a three point turn and my parallel parking is great, I drive as much as possible with my mom and I made sure I was extremely prepared. However when I got in the car for the test I was panicking the whole time. I failed almost everything and everything in my brain got jumbled up. (I'm not diagnosed with anxiety, never seen a psychiatrist or been on meds or anything, not how my family is, but I am a deeply deeply anxious person) I don't know how to get past this. My next test is in a couple weeks and I know I'm prepared and can drive and having my liscence would make my life so much easier but I'm so worried I'm never going to get it because of how anxious I get on the test. I just want to know if this is a shared experience and if anyone has any advice or anything. :(",Anxiety +490,"It's true, it's okay to say it's too late just because of that yes, that's all, but it really makes stress and anxiety uncontrollably ",Anxiety +35024,"My life in a nutshell Here is my cycle... + +Get anxious +Clench teeth +Get pains in face +Moves to head +Dying of brain tumour +Freak out +Rinse and repeat + +Honestly!!!! ",Anxiety +34197,Can I get the flu from this? I had the flu a month ago and never want to get it again. But I went to the RMV and took a vision test and had to put my whole face in the little box. All I can think is how many gross flu infested faces have touched it and I'm gonna get it again. I washed my face when I got home but I think it's too late.,Anxiety +52441,"What should I do? Gaming Anxiety I'm currently playing a video game, but long story short, my question is: Although it's unreasonable and extremely unlikely I'm worried that my account is going to be deleted and it's a 100+ hour game. So, I can either just cut my losses (Only 5 hours in) and start a new account, giving in to the anxious thoughts and discomfort. Or keep going feeling bad playing this account I'm currently playing, but could maybe get over at some point? But my basic question is, to get over anxiety do I have to push through it when it's really hard? Or let my self off sometimes? + +&#x200B; + +I'm had gaming anxiety for about a year and a half, it's really affecting my enjoyment with them, I always feel that my gameplay experience is being tarnished in some way, example: Feeling that I'm wasting it feeling anxious, The game is going to bug out on me causing me to have to restart etc. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks in advance!",Anxiety +34944,"65mg of elemental iron a day for the last week in preparation for donating blood. Now I’m worried that I’m gonna die from iron toxicity. I’m a 20 year old female who typically has lower than normal iron. Not concerningly low, just on the low end of average. Our college is hosting a blood drive in a few days so I bought some iron supplements about a week ago because I once told the nurse that I’m often rejected due to low iron and the nurse said that a lot of people take iron supplements about a week before they donate. Well the supplements I bought are 65mg of elemental iron per pill. I started taking them before researching a safe dose because I didn’t think you could OD on iron (yes very dumb). After taking one pill a day for about a week I found out that the maximum safe dosage before toxicity occurs is 45mg a day. So now I’m worried that I’m going to die of iron toxicity",Anxiety +34320,"this sounds stupid RAS?? (FIRST TIME EVER POSTING ON REDDIT.) + +I've been lurking on here knowing I shouldn't. I know reading your guys posts will not help my recovery. I also know posting won't either, but tonight I don't care. I really need someone to tell me they know what I'm talking about. Okay so at night I have this weird thing happen to me. I can only describe it as RLS - but it's NOT in my legs. It's in my arms and the back of my head?? It's like my arms are tickley. It feels like there's millions of bugs under my skin but they also feel light. Like feathers or jello. So hard to describe. I will wake up with it in the middle of the night/early morning and just lay there thinking im going to die until I have to go to work..nothing i do stops it and it's been months. I'll have it for a couple weeks then it will go away but a few weeks later its back. I've been thinking I have MS or a brain tumor forever now (and more symptoms keep popping up) but nobody listens...I've been to the doctor 27 times (for many of things) in the past 6 months and I keep getting the ""you're perfectly healthy"" although I've never got a CT scan or MRI. they've done neurological ""tests"" (eyes and strength/balance things) and then said theres no need to do scans and put radiation in my body for no reason. I've tried looking this up many of times with no answers. I'm scared of a wrong diagnosis. If they are right then HOW can anxiety cause this? How. it doesn't make sense. I'm terrified and exhausted. Normally I'd be more frantic but I've been laying here for hours already and I'm just getting tired and pissed at this point. How come all my anxiety stems from being scared to die, but I don't want to exist anymore?..",Anxiety +52902,Please help So many thoughts just need a distraction someone please talk to me.,Anxiety +35121,"Heart ""jumping"" in chest and suspected PVC. Any advice? Hey guys, + +For the last few days I've been having a hard time with a weird sensation in my chest. + +Four or five times a day, I'll have a feeling like my heart ""jumped"", or skipped and beat and compensated with one bigger beat to pump out more blood through my arteries. It feels horrible. For a few seconds, I feel like I have no pulse and even though I know it's normal and it's usually harmless it's just a horrible, scary, devastating feeling. +Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with those things?",Anxiety +598,Why are you so nervous,Anxiety +52661,"i need support please + +Hello, I'm new to this community and I need your support. I am diagnosed with obsessive ocd disorder (rocd) severe depression and emotional addiction and a few hours ago i was in the middle of an ocd crisis and i came across something that triggered me as I was in full compulsion. It was about attachment styles can someone please tell me if i am a good person to love my partner and that an emotionally dependent person has the right to love someone and date them . I'm in such a healthy relationship and I'm proud of it because my previous relationship was very chaotic and so toxic and I'm afraid to be with him that because of my emotional dependency I want to be with him because i love it with all my heart but my thoughts are killing me (i think it's the ocd side pressing where it hurts) Thank you all. Be kind please my ocd makes me believe so many things through messages and it's horrible.",Anxiety +34015,Cold feeling inside lower abdominal I have this could feeling inside my stomach towards the buttom or middle right of it. is this anxiety related? anyone else experience this?,Anxiety +34593,"Anxiety about neck/chest cancer. I’m a 30 year old detailed and I am convinced that I have some sort of throat/ upper chest cancer. And I can’t let it go. I have a pain/pressure in my upper rib cage and my gag reflex is triggered often (i.e. I have a feeling if a lump it my throat). I also have a dull pain on the front left side of my neck that comes and goes. + +I went to my GP and he said the pain in my chest is likely costochondritis without a sinister cause and that the rest could be triggered by a bug/virus, etc. and that I shouldn’t worry - just take ibuprofen for the pain and to decrease any inflammation. + +But he didn’t do any tests other than feel around my chest. And now I’m freaking out and worried that he wasn’t thorough enough and that I have some sort of cancer or other serious condition I’m not dealing with. ",Anxiety +34208,"Do I have cancer? Fluid in my lungs? I’ve had the flu for about a week and my breathing is bubbly and feels more like wheezing, is there fluid in my lungs? And does that mean I have lung cancer?",Anxiety +34562,"My neck hurts. Is it serious? I have two swollen lymph nodes, pea sized, on ONE side of my neck only. I’ve been fighting a cold, so my sister says it’s nothing to worry about. +However, our other sister died of lymphoma at age 33. +I’m supposed to leave for vacation Monday, so it’s unlikely I’ll go to the doctor before then, also, no health insurance yay USA. +What do you all think? Hypochondria or maybe death? ",Anxiety +192,"Restless, restless, become one. Can't agree. Can't even sleep",Anxiety +34318,"My silly panic attack last night I'm sharing this panic attack story because I feel it represents health anxiety and might help you all to cope with physical symptoms. This might be a little long. + +I had had a stressful day at work and had also done an anxiety no-no and googled my irregular period symptoms I have been having recently. Needless to say this all made me panicky by the evening. + +When I got home I vented to my husband, smoked some high cbd low thc cannabis and worked out for an hour hoping that would calm me. It worked for the most part until bedtime. + +I was laying in bed surfing the interwebs before I fell asleep when it happened. A weird physical sensation. Felt like my throat went numb. Now I had experienced this symptom before about a year ago and at that moment I had forgotten about that. A year ago I had a full neurological check up including an MRI. Of course all results were negative and I was fine. In the moment though I couldn't remember that. + +So I started to get nervous. Is it a stroke or seizure? Is my throat closing in anaphylactic shock? I had to check to be sure. So I shove my my finger into the back of my throat feeling around. I'm pushing in really far and playing with my uvula. I can feel everything. Good okay. Throat's not numb. But wait, why am I not gagging? Thats weird. My finger's digging in but I'm not gagging at all. I think you all can guess what I did next, right? Yup, I googled it. + +What came up was horrifying. The worst results I have ever seen from Googling symptoms. Then BAM! Heart starts racing, my face goes numb and I start to shake uncontrollably. I start calling my husband's name telling him I think he should call 911. Luckily I recognize the shaking and racing heart as a panic attack and not a part of the symptoms mentioned on Google. + +My husband was a champ! He got me started on deep breathing and began to comfort me. I started to calm the panic attack pretty quickly but what I saw on Google still screamed in my head. I wondered if I could wait to go to urgent care in the morning or if I really should go to the er now. + +I always worry about the boy who cried wolf kinda symptoms. Like I keep getting weird symptoms and it's always nothing but the one time I should have gone to the er I ignored it instead. I'm sure we've all been there. + +I explain to my husband what triggered the panic attack and he insists I'm fine. Its at this point I remember I've had the numb throat feeling before and had negative MRI results. But I had never stuck my finger down my throat. Maybe if they had known I couldn't gag they would have done another test or know other symptoms to diagnose me. + +As my panic attack subsided I got up to use the bathroom. Away from my husband I tried to make myself gag with my finger again. Nothing. Next, however, I jammed my toothbrush down my throat and GAG! Oh sweet relief! I can gag! Turns out, after testing it out, I can't gag myself with my own finger. Or at least it's really hard to. +I had jumped to conclusions because, well, how often does a person try to gag themself with their finger? + +I think a lot of our symptoms are like this. We become so sensitized and aware of our bodies we notice things we never paid attention to before and then freak out fearing the worst, or Googling it. These are really just normal body sensations that most people are able to ignore or not even feel. + +I should have kept the fact I had a rough day in the back of my mind and taken a minute or two after I had noticed the first symptom to see if it went away by distracting myself. And never ever ever Google a symptom! NEVER! I know we know this, and I know how hard it is not to, but don't, and don't body check your symptoms either. Distract or truly objectively analyze your symptoms. More often than not they will go away or not be nearly as strong as they first felt. + +This was my first panic attack in over a year and I'm not letting it get me down. It has reassured me that while uncomfortable, panic attacks aren't dangerous. It also allows me to recognize my symptoms of stress leading up to an attack so next time I can perform more stringent self-care before it snowballs into an attack. These moments are only making it easier for me to recover from anxiety, not making it worse. Stay strong everyone! ",Anxiety +34899,"Fear of Aneurysm had been gone for so long but now it's back Ugh - I've actually had been doing fine for the longest time, without any kind of hypochondriac fear. Recently tho I've kind of developed this weird ass hell headache, it won't happen every single time - but more often then not when I sneeze I'll get a brief shooting pain in the back of my head or feel this pressure in my head, I could cough and bend down till the cows come home without triggering it but when I sneeze it will happen. + +I've nervous about it - though I've been trying to convince myself that since I've been having a lot of tight shoulder and neck muscles its more than likely related to than than anything else, but I still can't help but get worried.",Anxiety +52858,"just some thoughts for you be patient with yourself. +its okay to say no. YOU are experiencing your life. nobody knows how you feel. your feelings are valid and its okay to set boundaries. its okay if you can‘t do it today. it takes a lot of energy for you to always fight against your worries and anxiety. so its totally understandable if you need some space and peace. + +dont surround yourself with people that drain your energy. its okay to let them go. this gives you more energy to focus on the good people and things in your life. + +i hope you have a good day today. but also dont have too much expectations. its totally fine if not everything is going to work out today.",Anxiety +34444,"Questions about lymph nodes I see that this topic is posted pretty often, so I’m sorry. But I have a few questions I can’t seem to find answers for. + +1. Are they supposed to hurt? Mine doesn’t. The area around it hurts occasionally, but not often. Mostly at night time when I’m going tonight bed. I’ve also been experiencing stomach pains. Don’t know if they’re related though. + +2. It’s only one on the left side of my groin. I had a spider bite (I’m assuming, could have been some other kind of bug. Was definitely a bite) on my business. That healed up a few days ago, the node hasn’t even slightly changed. + +",Anxiety +52422,Anyone used Abilify for anxiety before? Doctor has me on Prozac 20mg but I’ve only been on it a week and now she’s adding abilify and lowering my Xanax dose from 2mg extended release a day to 1mg (meaning I’ll only be getting .25 every 5 hours or so.,Anxiety +521,"Already restless, overwritten by restlessness, crushed by despair. Finally all broke. God job.",Anxiety +52156,"Losing weight after Lexapro I took 20 mg of Lexapro for about a year, then tapered down to 10 mg for 3 months, and 5 mg for 3 months. I stopped taking Lexapro all together about 5 weeks ago. Personally, Lexapro worked great for me and really got me through a tough period in my life. However, I gained about 20-25 lbs throughout the 1.5 years. Has anyone successfully lost the weight after stopping? I gained a decent amount of muscle mass over that period, but would like to lose about 10 lbs of fat. I still feel like my metabolism is relatively high (feel lightheaded/weak with anything under 2300-2500 calories) but none of the weight has come off.",Anxiety +51979,I had anxiety over filling out my SSI and SSDI forms and they denied me because I never sent them in I don’t even know why I had so much trouble filling out the forms. I know that I have enough documentation and support to at least get an interview and talk to SSA but I couldn’t do it. They called me and sent me reminder letters and I even had a hard time opening those letters. I only have myself to blame for getting denied.,Anxiety +52085,"Vision, fatigue? Have chronic vision issues such as extreme light sensitivity, and visual snow. Also chronic fatigue. I can work and workout but always just tired. + +Has anyone had this and found treatments to successfully heal the brain/body?",Anxiety +33968,"Should a low blood pressure and pulse rate be concerning at an odd time? I was at this enormous concert recently (over 10,000 people in one room, 5 big screens, lord knows how many speakers, etc). It was the first concert I've ever been to because I don't really like loud noise, but there were a couple speakers there I wanted to see (it was more of a conference with several hours of music). Previously unbeknownst to me, the music was incredibly loud and there were continuous lights flashing all different colors and directions. I'm a pretty introverted, quiet guy so this wasn't my idea of a good time, but that's not confusing. + +What confuses me is that my pulse dropped. It was a day long event, but I'm in good shape so I doubt that was an issue. I noticed because I started getting dizzy, got a headache, and was tired enough to sit and close my eyes amidst all the *hype*. To my chagrin and embarrassment several people asked me if I was okay (which I appreciated but felt deeply uncomfortable with). My resting heart rate is about 64, and I'd thought it'd be elevated with the very overwhelming (to me at least) stimulus for an extended period of time. Instead, I measured it, and it was right at 42. Wtf was going on? I didn't leave because I didn't want to ruin everyone's time, but seriously, is something wrong with me? No one else had this. It made me feel alienated and uncomfortable when I should have been having a great time. I've never had a panic attack or any prolonged health issues so idk what happened. Was this just an anxiety thing or is that an actual health issue. I'm not going to ask anyone because frankly it was embarrassing. To clarify I'm not ""asking [you] to diagnose"" anything, I just want to if anyone has felt something similar. Thanks in advance for any help. + +Edit: Grammar and spelling",Anxiety +34936,"heart skipping beats so for the past seven months (since a wisdom tooth surgery that did not go well) my anxiety has been more health-related, as well as manifesting physically. i have intense dizzy spells, stomach discomfort, etc. when i am especially anxious. today, i sat down after doing some cleaning and noticed my heart seemed to be skipping beats. i am not the most fit individual, but this was pretty low-effort activity, and my heart was POUNDING. and every 10-15 beats, it seemed to skip one. i started freaking out, worrying that my heart was going to stop. i just went to the doctor the other day for a UTI and they didn't notice anything off about my pulse so i hope i am just crazy. fuck fuck fuuuuck.",Anxiety +34396,"Tiny grain like feeling under foreskin 18 white male + +No meds + +Probably anxiety issues + + +So I've noticed that when I'm erect I can feel this tiny little bump thing on the tip of my penis head. I'm not circumcised and I feel like it's under the skin, like on my head. + +It doesn't really feel like a bump though, it almost like a grain, or like a gash or cut kinda feeling. It feels like it's almost inside the tip, I don't know. + + +I've felt it for about 2 weeks + + +I've looks up penile cancer and it's apparently super rare, so I don't know... + +",Anxiety +52452,"I’m freaking out idk if this will make sense but I always have these moments where I’m really aware of myself and my body and then I start thinking of myself and past self overall and I feel like I don’t know myself and like I’m in a strangers body it’s freaking me out and I’m having so much anxiety. + +advice ???",Anxiety +600,I've been restless ever since,Anxiety +52501,"I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m still in school, 15 I feel like I have friends but no one really likes me. Every day I come home feeling more like shit and I struggle to talk to anyone. I feel like I don’t connect with anyone and everyone gets along with each other then everybody thinks I’m a weirdo because I’m quiet. I hate being like this, Is this anxiety or am I just overreacting. I don’t want to give much more details but I really struggle to talk to people unless they make the first move. It feels like I’m a total outcast even teachers don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I wouldn’t say I’m ugly or weird besides being quiet. What do I do and how do I stop being so anxious when saying even the smallest thing to another person. I big myself up everyday and then I come home having done nothing different. I just got back to school after a long break since I had surgery and I’ve been feeling more depressed when coming home from school ever since.",Anxiety +439,"guys, how do you not get triggered easily? tl I'm still sad, I'm sad too... now I feel nervous and anxious, I want to cry.",Anxiety +34623,"Just listens to an old interview with Aubrey Plaza. She talked about how she had a stroke at age 20 Like most of you, my constant fear has been health related more so the fear of having a stroke. She described what happened during the stroke and it is absolutely terrifying. She said hat she was feeling fine and then all of a sudden the right side of her body was paralyzed. She couldn’t even speak or make out any words. + +After listening to that, I started freaking out immediately. I’ve always been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and now this story reignited those fears. Purely because it could happen to someone so young with no health problems. ",Anxiety +34382,"what happens if i (at 58) gain more weight, like 65 kilos. What happens with my health if i start just eating really badly? Like i cant get heart disease in 2 weeks? I dont whats the big deal of being 65kg and 162cm. I dont see a reason why i need to stay healthy. i dont need to explain to anyone. i just wanna know what happens if a 162cm girl becomes 67kilos. will i just die. like i dont see whats the problem.",Anxiety +87,"STOP I'M GAMAU ANXIETY, GUNDAH GULANA AGAIN",Anxiety +35132,"I've developed a stutter Last few days can't think very clearly, been having night sweats and developed a stutter. + +Obviously it's Hopkins Lymphoma and metastatic Brain cancer ..... Again. + +:( + +Man I hate this. I rationally know how retarded that sounds but.... Still... Can't shake it",Anxiety +52330,"Heart rate Ever since I had chest pain I have had many panic attacks. Does anyone else have their heart rate go up to like 180-190 range? My chest pain is gone now but when I have a panic attack, only thing that happens is my heart rate increases... please help. I'm 23",Anxiety +52479,Recommendation Hi I am actually writing to help a friend who’s really struggling with anxiety and depression. Currently on pristiq (depression) but has been recommended lorazepam (for anxiety) which she doesn’t want to take. Are there any other combos that help with anxiety? Thanks a bunch.,Anxiety +34635,"I think I'm losing my mind Hello guys, long time lurker here. I've seen earlier a post about colon cancer anxiety so I decided to blow off some steam by telling my story. + +It all started last summer, when I had a weird pain in my left abdominal area. Went to my GP, said it was nothing but that I should have a blood test (I was 20 at the time). I found out I had an important Calcium deficiency and after I took some supplements the pain disappeared. + +Fast forward to last week: that pain came back, exactly in the same spot. Now I'm going once or sometimes even twice a day, compared to my usual routine of once in two days. The pain fades away after bowel movements and that put me at ease for a couple of days, but today I saw in a stool some dark-brownish spots which I believed to be blood. + +This has gone too far. I have no idea what I should do, but I want to get out from this dumb situation. I don't enjoy life the way I used to because of some stupid thoughts.",Anxiety +52297,"Dentist Anxiety Hi I managed to get through my appointment today, but they told me I have to come back for 4 fillings and a root canal and now I'm petrified. + +Does anyone have any idea what I can do to relax before and during my appointment and also if anyone can explain what happens during these procedures I'd be really grateful. + +Also, I'm 17 so anyone have any guidance on how to tell my parents I have bad teeth?? As they expect to be perfect but due to other mental health issues I haven't been taking care of them hence my cavities + +Also, how do you know to trust a dentist? Is it normal for them to look in your mouth for like a minute and tell you what needs to happen? + +They didn't take xrays btw. + + +TIA",Anxiety +394,"I'm easily restless, even fake.",Anxiety +52947,"having a really bad anxiety night too anxious to sleep, but i’m exhausted from not getting enough sleep last night. just feeling really helpless right now. + +if anyone is reading this and going through a similar thing, i hear you. you’re not alone. just gotta tough out the rough patches, this too shall pass.",Anxiety +52738,"Questions for new anxiety sufferer... Does anybody's anxiety present with just the following symptoms: + +Chest Tightness + +Tightness in the front of the neck and under the chin + +Light-headedness/Dizziness + +Feeling Faint/Like I may pass out + +Nausea + +These are the symptoms I've been feeling. I don't really seem to have an impending sense of fear or doom when these things happen, but I will say they are triggered by talking about my condition, or just general stress, but sometimes they happen for no reason at all. I have just been sitting watching TV, playing a video game, or scrolling through Reddit and they've happened. + +I've been to the ER three times at two different hospitals in the past week with these symptoms (in addition to high blood pressure) and all three times, my blood work and ECG have been normal. + +I need to add, a lot of these symptoms got worse when lying down, and got better when sitting up or walking. + +In light of that last detail, the ER doctors said ""it's just GERD"" and sent me home with orders for a PPI medication and a Blood Pressure medication. + +Well, the GERD has improved, and all the symptoms I've listed above have improved as well but haven't gone away. + +I'm seeing an anxiety doctor later this week, and out of an abundance of caution, a cardiologist later next month (soonest they could get me in) + +*Another detail: I received a call from the doctor earlier telling me my cholesterol was high and my potassium was a little high from the Lisinopril (BP med) so they started me on a diuretic and a cholesterol medication. As soon as I got off the phone with that news, I instantly started feeling the pressure in my neck and chest... This is what leads me to believe my symptoms are anxiety related. + +TL:DR - Asking about all of your symptoms to see if mine line up with anxiety or not.",Anxiety +34172,"Burning feeling in throat/cold sore For the past few days i’ve noticed I had a cold sore (white) in the back/top of my throat. Now just in the past few minutes i’ve started to feel a very strong burning sensation in my throat. Not sure if its related or not, but its really freaking me out. Could it be due to acid? ",Anxiety +671,why is it that lately i like to be restless.. huftt,Anxiety +52260,"Does anyone else get presentation anxiety?? Someone mentiones the word presentation and my heart rate shoots up, people at my college just say ""don't think about it"" like yeah..that will work won't it?",Anxiety +34170,"Wheezing / constricted airways after exercising in the cold I've been doing the Couch-to-5K running program for about a month. It's been in the 40s and 50s a lot lately when I go running. I'm able to complete my runs fine, but I notice after getting home that the deepest parts of my lungs feel tight or constricted. I can force a deep breath, but when I do I hear this wheezing like the airways are stretching back open. Usually after about 30 - 60 min or so it's back to normal. + +I tried wearing a neck gaiter after the first time and it got a lot better, but was still there. I went to the doctor and described all this and he listened to my lungs. He said my lungs sounded perfect. And that it's normal to have that wheezing after exercising in the cold, since your airways constrict and forcing them open creates a spasm that makes that wheezing sound. He also said as long as it's only that and not actual shortness of breath, then it's nothing to worry about and to continue running (preferably when it stops being cold). + +Anyway - just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or can offer any other support. It is an irrational thing at this point, since I've been to the doctor and described exactly what was going on to him. Knowing the way my anxiety works, I suspect the reasons I haven't dropped it are that he didn't hear it actually doing it (and to me it sounds strange) and that I secretly worry it's a small start to a bigger lung issue (I've had a couple relatives pass away after getting pulmonary fibrosis - which definitely is in my head when anything lung-related is going on). Any tips or other support would be fantastic! + +PS - I refuse to google it (or anything else for that matter) but if anyone has support for pulmonary fibrosis worries that would help too. I believe for my relatives that started with gradually dropping oxygen levels and some strange sounds the doctors could hear in their breathing. So nothing like what I'm describing here .. if only health anxiety used the rational side of the brain!",Anxiety +10,"always restless every night, even though I don't know why, what's wrong. strange.",Anxiety +438,"Kinda not very excited. Restless, many thoughts, bored, confused, sad, angry, afraid, frantic. Ah...",Anxiety +35813,"Woo! Heart Woes. I’ve been dealing with bad heart palpitations since I was about 12 years old; my parents always told me it was anxiety attacks, as they run in the family. +In early February I had a bad anxiety attack with palpitations, which triggered about a 3 week period of time where my heart was just fluttering constantly, while I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, doing nothing, etc... I seriously felt like I was going to die, which then triggered a super intense depression like I’d never felt in my life. I finally gave in and went into Urgent Care once I had enough, where the doctor did an EKG and measured my resting heart rate at about 136 bpm. They urged me to go to emergency, so I did, and $1,000+ later they told me I was totally fine, my heart likes to jump around a lot but palpitations are normal and they recommended I start meditating. I don’t doubt the constant fluttering was probably due to health anxiety since I felt so scared from it. I took their advice, started meditating, got a breathing app, and decided to find a heart rate app to measure my bpm when it happens, since I’m never able to get into emergency when the palpitations are actually happening. It’s been giving me a little peace of mind to see what’s going on when I feel them and sometimes it’s not so bad as I feel like it is, my heart rate is usually 90-110 bpm, seems okay enough. It also helps me just to have a visual of whats going on. Anyway, after a couple more weeks of meditating, drinking lots of water and pulling myself out of my funk, I seemed alright again and convinced myself it’s all in my head. + +Today I was shopping, bent over to pick something up, and it triggered really intense palpitations. My heart was pounding so hard that my entire body was shaking. I kept trying to calm down but had no luck- I remembered the heart rate app and pulled it out to see the severity of the situation. The app couldn’t even measure it for a minute, I watched the lines squiggling all over the place extremely tiny and just bouncing everywhere. Finally got a reading of 210 bpm, and so I sat and tried to calm down some more, and it finally slowed to about 160bpm, then about 10 minutes later I was back in the low 100s range. Now its been a couple hours and I’m comfortable in the 90’s. I’m super tired now but I feel like I handled it like a champ this time. It’s weird to experience a feeling like your heart is going to blow up but to have doctors tell you you’re fine. What a fun time :) Anyway, my sister says she knows of a cardiologist, I’m going to see if they’re accepting patients. I doubt I’ll get in anytime soon, since all the doctors in my area are booked out for months, but it is what it is I guess. Reading posts on this page and how other people deal with it has really helped me through all of this, so thank you everyone who’s shared their heart related stories! I don’t feel like there’s any advice I haven’t tried yet, but I still wanted to share my experience and get it off my chest!",Anxiety +52313,"I'm hesitant to get a diagnosis So, I've reached the point when I amassed enough courage to ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I've done therapy for about 5 years and never was brave enough to ask my therapist if I had either anxiety or depression. But 5 months ago I started with chronic tensional headaches - finished college and found two jobs, ended up very stressed, which I controlled after a neurologist prescribed me pregabalin. However, I've been struggling with other somatic symptoms that lead me to say, okay you waited too much, it's time to do it. Even though I hate the idea of being that self-diagnose person, I've been doing a lot of reflection and truly believe I have several symptoms of anxiety, perhaps social or general anxiety. + +I will be seeing this doc (who was very recommended to me), and I fear judgment but much much more fear is if I get prescribed meds that mess me up worse. I know she's an outstanding professional, she has appropiately medicated my bf's niece for anxiety, and honestly doubt I'd need something ""strong"" but I'm so scared of start taking meds, I fear there's no turning back from it. I fear it changes me so badly that I have bad moments at my job in front of everyone, like crying or a panic attack, or that I make an embarrassment. I don't want to lose my job since it (there are two but the full time one) has helped me to get out of my lifeless and procrastination days. + +Haven't seen my therapist lately since she had a temporary license and now I'm also unsure if I should come back because she never made me a diagnosis. My general doctor told me to come back to therapy asap. + +Sorry for the long post - I'd like to know if someone relates to this or your experiences, but mostly if you know about meds and if I'm just panicking too much or maybe I just need to know this before meeting the psychiatrist.",Anxiety +35754,"Anxiety about rabies exposures I'm extremely frustrated and scared and not sure how to resolve this. A few years ago I was bitten by a wild animal and received the rabies post-exposure prophylaxis. Then last fall I was bitten by a different wild animal and received booster doses. + +&#x200B; + +Now I've been scratched by a third wild animal. I don't want receive more doses of the vaccine. It is very expensive and could potentially harm me (cause Multiple sclerosis or GBS or some systemic inflammatory response). I can't imagine that many people have received this vaccine on three separate occasions within only a few years. + +&#x200B; + +The experts say that while the potential for rabies exposure is very low, it can't be ruled out. To be certain that I won't develop rabies, I would need another two doses of the vaccine. + +&#x200B; + +Has anyone received multiple rabies vaccinations? Looking for advice and support.",Anxiety +52832,"Anxiety Over Having Made No Accomplishments in Life I'm almost 40 so my life is nearly half over and I feel like I've done nothing with it. Especially because for some stupid reason I've placed all my eggs in one basket and insisted on becoming a successful author no matter how stupid or hard or impossible it is to do that these days. I haven't even tried to date anyone in over 10 years so though I'd like a relationship, I'm socially inept and awkward. I also have a lot of baggage not just from an abusive father but from two abusive relationships I was stupid enough to get into. At my age with my history, no one wants to even attempt to deal with that nonsense and as I said I'm inept at socializing because of my own problems. I don't have a ""career"" like my siblings. I don't have a family. I don't even have a job because of a permanent disability making it almost impossible for me to work. Though I have written several novels, they more than likely will never see anything resembling profit or commercial success. Most of my days are spent playing video games, hating my life, and writing because I'm too stubborn to give up on that dream despite every single sign telling me that I'm old, it's over, and there's no way I'm talented enough to make it work. + +I know that people will say that I shouldn't measure my success by other people or people around me but let me tell you. It's exceedingly hard to show up to family functions when all your siblings are married professionals with their own houses and you are the loser who has been single for 15 years because she can't manage to get into a relationship that's not abusive and would prefer to stay at home, alone with her cat who's gonna die soon anyway because he's old. If you want to suggest therapy or medication...I've done both. Medication isn't a fix for me and I've tried it on and off for years. Therapy has been a constant in my life since I was 18 so if you can possibly imagine it I was far worse than \*this\* before now. If anything I could \*possibly\* say it's a miracle that I've come as far as I have with recovering from abuse, dealing with addiction, an eating disorder, and my anxiety issues. Yet, at the same time, I desire things that I'm 99% sure I can never have and I know I'm running out of time. Is there any way to cope with the fact that my life just isn't going to get fixed and I'm pretty much doomed to waiting the clock out for the next 30-40 years if I'm somehow lucky enough not to get cancer or some other terrible disease?",Anxiety +34665,"I might be dying, and my anxiety is going nuts I might have messed up yesterday. I'm an avid codeine user. I don't do hard drugs because I'm too scared of damaging my brain or other organs, but over the years, it has become increasingly difficult to lead a normal life without the help of a substance, considering that I have severe anxiety, depression, depersonalization, derealization and Pure O. So I started to consume codeine once in a few weeks in order to be able to function correctly, since I've tried around 20 antidepressants and SSRIs and nothing worked for me. + +Yesterday, I took another dose. I buy OTC pain relief pills which contain codeine phosphate but they also contain paracetamol (acetaminophen) and aspirin and, in order to stay safe, you need to do a cold water extraction in order to remove the acetaminophen and aspirin from the pills. Opioids are highly soluble in water, so the codeine dissolves and the other ingredients get filtered through a fabric and removed from the water, leaving a crystal-clear substance containing just codeine. However, I was in a hurry yesterday (stupid excuse to overlook my safety, I know) and I didn't wait long enough for the water to reach the right temperature (it needs to be around freezing temperature, but not frozen) and I did the extraction anyway. The water came out very milky and that is a sign that the extraction was not successful. I didn't know the water needs to be COMPLETELY clear and I didn't look it up...I took the substance anyway. + +A few hours later I did some reserch and found out that I might have potentially intested 4 grams of paracetamol and 5 grams or aspirin. 4 grams of paracetamol is a risky amount, because it can cause liver damage. The liver, then, continues to self-destruct over a period of 2 weeks (!!!) without showing any serious physical symptoms so there's no way to know whether I overdosed or not...it ultimately leads to necrosis and then painful, slow death. + +&nbsp; + +I am at a loss and don't know what to do. My health anxiety is sky rocketing right now. I wish I would've been more careful but the deed is done now. Does anyone here have experience with paracetamol poisoning/overdose? I'm going nuts right now...",Anxiety +34639,"Terrified of colon cancer Hi everyone, + +I'm in full blown panic attack right now and I can't function properly because of it. I've practically convinced myself I have colon cancer. My symptoms are: + +- blood while defacating (especially while constipated, but when I'm not I sometimes feel my anus hurt and see the blood on the paper then) +- diarrhea, constipation +- pain on the right side of abdomen for over a year now, it comes and goes, now it's mostly in my upper back +- extreme fatigue +- I've had black stool once, but it was after drinking red wine so I thought then that's the cause + +I'm also scared the cancer is already in my bones/spine, as my back often hurts and I can feel some kind of ""dent"" in my spine. + +I'm also diagnosed with severe anxiety (duh), so sometimes it's hard to tell which symptoms are real :( For example my fiancee tells this ""dent"" in my spine it's just my muscles contracting because of my anxiety. The same can be said about diarrhea, fatigue... But then again, how do I know when it's anxiety and when it's real? + +I know I should just wait for the colonoscopy in 4 weeks, but I can't function properly right now. I've made mistake and visited a forum for colon cancer survivors and not only they all have symptoms similar to mine, but lot of them were very young, like me. + +My doctor told me it's probably IBS and hemorrhoids, but my mom had colon cancer at 50 and I've read it's getting more and more common in young people and here I am, crying myself to sleep every night, because I'm convinced I'm dying. What should I do?",Anxiety +460,"I'm mute, stuck in a dream sheet. I flinch when the clink of time calls out to me. I wake up, restless",Anxiety +34134,"paranoid about testicles and now I'm freaking out So I'm totally serious here and I know it sounds like I'm trying to be funny but I'm not! A week ago I was lazy and didn't do laundry so I went commando for pretty much a week. Because of how ""loose"" it was down there I became more aware of my testicles and would reach down there more often. Anyways, because I was constantly reaching down there I became paranoid about my testicles. + +I should also note that I was a frequent fapper (like 3-4 times a day) and decided to stop that. So I would go nofap for 2 days and then have a go at it once the next day. Then again 2 days not and then on the 3rd day have a go at it. I started this 2 weeks ago and last week I felt a little ""pinch"" on my left testicle. It didn't hurt or anything it was just... uncomfortable but went away fairly quickly but that feeling only heightened my paranoia!! + +I haven't felt that feeling since but I keep thinking about it and now I keep imagining I do have that feeling again. I always constantly reach down there feeling them, and thinking omg one is bigger than the other! omg one feels softer than the other! I'm dying! + +I want to go to the doctor but I also have a fear of doctors! I can't sleep. I'm undereating. I sometimes cry at night. I was never like this and I hate it. + +Last year I was paranoid about my neck which took me a while to get over and now it's below the belt. I just want to live my life normally again. ",Anxiety +35264,"Freaking out itchy skin Hi, + +So, last night, my skin all over just started to itch, along with my scalp. It just was driving me nuts. I finally managed to sleep though. + +Today, not much has changed. I'm still just itchy all over. I took a shower and used tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner as I saw lots of flakes in my hair. I have checked throughly for lice and had my family members check for me. They said it didn't look like lice at all. So,I assume it is dandruff. + +My scalp is now a bit better, but it's still itchy and my skin is too. I'll be okay for a few minutes tjen back to itching. Itss driving me crazy and now I of course googled. It said itching skin can be a sign of liver or kidney disease. I'm now in a full blown panic attack. I don't know what to do.",Anxiety +157,"Some days, I don't think I'm doing well, so I feel like I'm really crying, scared, anxious, just sad. until I think of this when I cry, does my fast break or not?",Anxiety +248,"I'm really restless when I just wake up, I feel like I immediately get bad thoughts and it's really every day",Anxiety +52647,"College with crippling anxiety I’ve tried everything. I was withdrawn before because of my lack of attendance 5 months ago due to my anxiety, I have started college again after being on Zoloft for a while, but my anxiety is still just as bad. I have gone into college more but I still feel unable to function thinking of all the people around me. I have only been in 6 times so far and I can’t cope, I’m scared of being withdrawn again just because of my inability to go in sometimes. I just want to get on with my life.",Anxiety +345,"Want to sleep, all restless",Anxiety +623,"I'm so nervous, what's going on :(",Anxiety +52767,"Hello community, I'm going through a really rough time and I would appreciate it if you could comment some ways you guys deal with your extreme anxiety This entire day, from the moment I woke up, I got a crippling feeling of impending doom, and this has been happening for a few days. It's debilitating, I stand frozen in my bed scared that if I move I'll die, anyone else feeling like this? As the day went on and I met some friends it got better, but I'm now getting racing thoughts that are so random and incoherent and they're making me panic like I will lose my mind and die and like I'm not real and I keep wondering what's happening and stuff, i don't know if it's ever gotten this bad, please help",Anxiety +52431,Sudden paranoid feeling that I have never experienced in 10 years living with anxiety disorder Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience whilst having an anxiety disorder where they felt a sudden paranoid feeling. I was trying to fall asleep at night and switched off my lights. All of a sudden I felt this weird panic and paranoid feeling that there might be some supernatural creatures (like a ghost) in my room. I was eventually able to convince myself that its an irrational thought but was scared for a few minutes. I am on therapy and escitalopram.,Anxiety +52250,"It’s hard to be anxious and also want people to think you’re happy Like when I’m anxious there isn’t much I can do about it, I can try to self soothe and whatnot but it’s still hard to put on a smiley face and be upbeat and cheerful. Especially when you can feel this way for days at a time or longer. But people look at you differently if you’re not upbeat and bubbly and cheerful especially as a woman. If I don’t enjoy everything or laugh at everything or keep conversation I’m grumpy or in a bad mood or just weird. And what am I supposed to say? That I’m anxious? So they can respond “why” and that’s just a rabbit hole I can’t go into.",Anxiety +52846,Daily reminder. This is just a reminder that Caffeine in any form exacerbates anxiety for most people!! Whether it be from Sodas or coffee and teas. I have to repeat this cycle time and time again. When will I learn seriously.,Anxiety +569,adults are like this. last night was restless and restless. tomorrow morning like nothing happened,Anxiety +35551,"Blood in Urine Just noticed traces of blood in urine. The first time there was a bit and then smaller amounts to where I had to examine it to find some (I know it’s weird, but anxiety). The blood was not fully mixed it. + +I do have to note that I am on my period and using a tampon. So I’m not sure if that blood would be able to mix? Please let me know if you have a similar experience or I’m just freaking out over nothing. ",Anxiety +34603,"17, Need professional help but not sure if parents understand that I'm 17 and male. Since last year I've constantly thought im going to have a heart attack, cardiophobia. It's really starting to get in the way. + +It started with bad heart palpitations and arm pain and I took multiple trips to the urgent care center and a few ekgs, and they all said I was fine. It takes me so long to fall asleep at night because of this, I get anxiety attacks often, and I've formed a habit where I need to knock on wood almost all the time to calm me down a bit (weird habit) + +I'm not overweight and I go for bike rides a lot but my dad is always telling me to workout because he loves working out. I tried it months ago but the fear I was going to have one multiplied and I couldn't stand feeling my heart beat. He's trying to have me do guided meditation but for some reason that makes me way more anxious than when I started. He hasn't wanted me to go to therapy because I haven't ""committed to his solutions yet"". +I get and appreciate he's trying to help but I really wanted professional help. I went to them in tears a couple weeks ago saying please just let me get some professional help, and my mom said she'd find someone. Fast forward to today and I found out she got my a family psychologist, one that already sees my 10 year old brother (he gets very angry). +I wanted an actual therapist, I'm not sure if it's the same thing and my mom is saying that ""he's just going to say the same things we've been saying and it's going to cost a lot"" +I'm not trying to make my parents look bad because I get they're trying to help, and my mom used to have a lot of problems with depression and anxiety when she was a teen so I'm sure she gets it, but I just dont know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Looking for any advice. I usually take my mind off it by hanging out with my friends by the campfire at night and that sort of stuff but I moved from New England to TX 3 months ago and I haven't made any close friends yet. +I just need some advice, this stresses me out so bad every day thinking I'm going to die, please and thank you so much.",Anxiety +51908,"Had a really bad turn the last few days Hi everyone, I've had anxiety for the last 6 months or so in varying levels. From January I was in a decent headspace with it but the last three weeks it's got worse and then the last four days or so it's gone off a cliff. + +It's all I think about all day long, I had panic attacks on Monday and Wednesday and my heart is racing all day. Where before I'd wake up rested now I wake up with my heart racing and frequently my muscles are spasming which is scary. The thought of doing normal stuff feels impossible and I can't shake this feeling I can't get better than this ever again. + +I spoke to my doctor on Thursday and he prescribed propranolol which I took yesterday for the first time which helped with the body stuff but my mind was still racing. + +Has anyone experienced similar and have any tips? I feel like this is really really bad and worse than most people have anxiety.",Anxiety +34299,"Distrust of doctors and diagnoses - how to overcome? I've had quite severe health anxiety for a few years. It's hopped from one malady to another, and medical counsel/tests do not assuage it as I'm always convinced they've missed something. + +Most recently it's cancer - at first lymphoma, now cancer in general. I've visited specialists, GPs, had chest xrays and bloodwork, and finally a full CT scan with contrast. Despite the all clear in each instance, I spend a debilitating amount of energy on the anxiety they've missed something. Each diagnostic procedure seems to buy me a few weeks of calm before the terror and doubt returns. + +I do not have systemic symptoms of cancer and am in apparent good health save mild diagnosed GERD -- but compulsive google'ing assures me many healthy people in their early 30s are diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue, after numerous misdiagnoses etc. That GERD must be stomach cancer, the lymph node that swelled after a dental infection must be lymphoma, the doctors are brushing me off, the medical system in Korea is inadequate, the medical system in Australia is inadequate (I've carried this pattern through the doctor's offices of three nations!) + +I recognize the compulsive and anxious biases I'm operating on here, but I don't know how to change them. For those who have endured something similar - how do you learn to trust the doctors' ""all clear""? How do you trust that you would probably show some obvious symptoms in case of serious illness, and those symptoms would be correctly interpreted? + +I'm feeling exhausted and hopeless from the unending cycle of costly medical tests which produce little effect on my anxiety. Your advice is appreciated.",Anxiety +34829,"Tinnitus thinking, panic attacks. Please help me. I recently came across a video about people ""curing"" their tinnitus temporarily. I had no idea what tinnitus was so I decided to google it. Turns out that I might actually have it myself. I hear a faint high frequency sound everytime I cover my ears with my hands and during complete silence. I always thought it was normal to hear this at times when nothing can be heard. I've had a panic attack since noticing it and noticing that it can't be cured. + +I'm still wondering if I have this and if my head is just making this up.. since I've never ever noticed this before. But I can't stop thinking about it and covering my ears to hear if its still there. I'm terrified and shaking. + +I'm so afraid that I will never be able to not hear this sound now when completely silent. I'm sure that I've had this all my life if I do have this.. but I still wish that I never discovered this disease. Help me, what should I do?? +",Anxiety +34567,"Throat nastiness for months! Honestly just need a little reassurance that nothing is wrong. I'm a 22 year old male, and I've had hard swollen lymph nodes in my neck (especially my right side), drainage and nasty looking tonsils for 2 months. I've also had a feeling of tightness in my throat. I've been on allergy medication but it hasn't really helped. + +2 blood tests have shown that I have low white blood cell count, and I have had a round of antibiotics but it didn't help. I've seen 2 nurse practitioners and the only thing they could offer is that I do an STI test, which came back all clear. I'm going to see my PCP soon, but as a college student 5 hours away from home, it makes me a bit anxious that something could be seriously wrong and I'm so far away from decent help, or at least help that my insurance covers. Plus, I've already missed at least 3 days of school for visits and whatnot. + +Just a sinus infection that is lasting for months? Some other virus? Some STI the test didn't check for? Something worse? I have no idea. If anybody is interested in seeing a picture of my throat, it's in another post in my post history. ",Anxiety +35746,Has anyone used cbd for health anxiety Just wondering if anyone added it to there diet and if it helped at all .,Anxiety +52223,"can thinking negative thoughts influence sleep? these past few nights i’ve been feeling sooo lonely and sad. when i go to sleep i try to distract myself by reading or watching a show, but i still have this lingering sadness and sometimes really negative thoughts. now the past few nights i’ve also been waking up multiple times during the night feeling off, and then falling asleep again. is this all related or is something else wrong with me?",Anxiety +34527,Just the mention of a terminal illness has become a huge trigger for me Basically anytime something that has anything remotely to do with like cancer or ALS or something like that sends me into a spiral of panicking. Today like 3/10 top posts on my Reddit feed had to do with cancer and it just made me feel so anxious. I couldn't help but feel that these illnesses were just waiting to happen for me and anytime I start to feel better cancer or some shit gets brought up. Does anyone else have something similar where just a word can trigger them and have any advice?,Anxiety +35305,"Woke up with cold sweats Hi everyone, so last night I went out with friends to the bar and had half a drink because I had to be at work by 7:30 this morning. We didn't get home until 12:30 and so that made me anxious knowing I wouldn't get the best sleep. I woke up multiple times through out the night and just shaking and when I woke up for the day, I was drenched in a cold sweat. I've gone to bed anxious like this before but I've never woken up like this before. Is this normal?? I was a bit nauseous and dizzy as well. ",Anxiety +52365,"please read anyone that suffers from anxiety and blood work and scans show nothing. please get your thyroid checked a full thyroid panel. tsh t3 free, t3 total, t4 free, t4 total. antibodies..tpo, tsi, trab. iven had anxiety symptoms since 2019 and nothing ever showed because only my tsh was checked or rarely my t4 was checked and they were in the normal range. fast foward to feb2023 they were all abnormal. god bless you all",Anxiety +228,Do not compare yourself to others. Envy only makes restless soul. Be yourself.,Anxiety +34281,"HELP! Testicles question... Recently, I noticed one of my testicles is hanging higher than my other. They used to hang at the same height. It doesn’t hurt, but I’m soooooo paranoid about what’s going on. I think I might have testicular torsion (I don’t know how, maybe my skinny jeans?), but I read online that it would hurt like a motherfucker if I did. I’m paranoid and I need help! Im going to try and schedule an appointment for next week with a urologist but I’m literally bedridden with anxiety right now. Trying to move as little as possible. + +Any ideas? Should I be worried?",Anxiety +52807,"Anyone else here sorting through connections between anxiety and a parent with BPD (borderline personality disorder)? What books or resources do you recommend? So, based on therapy, I read The Drama of the Gifted Child and it blew my mind how many things it described that I used to think were just “quirky” about my parent, and then nailed ways it may have affected my emotions. It’s not an easy path to process, but has anyone else come to late in life conclusions that their parent is likely borderline and that this is a direct connection to their own anxiety?",Anxiety +35706,"Hypertensive at 25 & fear of death Hi all! Having an HA episode today and I don't know how to cope. + +Went to my psychiatrist this morning where he took my blood pressure. He had to take it about three times- the numbers were in the 160/110 range. I was very nervous at this appt- my first time with a psychiatrist- but I've had high BP before at other doctor visits in the past month (ie i just got a CPAP machine last month- sleep doc said BP might come down with that treatment. and gyno reduced my birth control last month in an attempt to bring it down as well.) + +But today I took my BP again at CVS about 30 mins later and it was still high, so I went to urgent care. They said it was probably stress related though I can take other measures to reduce it- mostly, exercise more, lose weight, and reduce salt intake. They released me with no meds and an order to monitor it at home for white coat syndrome. + +Suddenly I'm terrified. I can make those lifestyle changes without issue. But what if they don't help? What if I go into cardiac arrest or stroke before I can lower it? Will exercise make it worse? Will I die in my sleep? Will I have to go on hypertension meds at 25? It runs in my family but this feels like a personal failing- my lifestyle and eating habits haven't helped, I'm sure. Am I fucked for life? Am I going to die young? + +Im home now and just took it again; 160/90. I'm so scared. + +I have depression and GED which also don't help. I've been stressed out lately but I didn't think it was a huge problem. I feel like I'm just waiting to stroke out or go into extreme chest pain. I feel helpless. ",Anxiety +35765,"Vocaloid fans w health(specially heart) anxiety, please dont search about wowaka And if you did, please remember its extremely unlikely to have heart failure if you get annual check ups.",Anxiety +35241,"Can't stop coughing! Hey everyone, I'm new to this subreddit but was wondering if anyone else has gone through this and had any advice. For about a year now (maybe longer?) I've had a dry cough. Like, I cough like crazy every day. When I go to the doctor, they say everything sounds fine, no liquid or anything. I even had them test me for asthma, and my breathing tests came back normal. At this point I'm pretty sure my coughing is just a nervous tick that stems from my health anxiety... which is pretty severe. I do get acid reflux and I have bad seasonal allergies, but neither of those things caused my cough before a year or so ago. I guess I'm kind of obsessed with making sure my lungs are clear, especially if water or something accidentally goes down the wrong pipe. When that happens, I cough nonstop, to the point where it hurts. Aside from being annoying and embarrassing, I find that I've been getting a lot more chest pain from time to time, and my throat hurts. So, does anyone else do this? Do you have an advice on stopping? I just really want to stop. + +Thanks!",Anxiety +35522,"Ashwapepper Performance Booster Capsules Maximize your performance on bed with Ashwapepper. Ultimate pills for best results +https://aggripure.in/product/ashwapepper/",Anxiety +35714,"The dread of thinking you have cancer... again My health anxiety has been okay for the last year or so but it's become out of control in the last few days. My poor husband keeps trying to reassure me but I'm struggling to keep myself together 😔 + +Firstly, I've had two cold sores in the last month. That's kind of strange as usually I have an outbreak once a year, maybe twice. + +Then about a week ago I developed a really sudden intense pain on the left side underneath my rib towards the back. I've never had a pain like that before and wasn't sure why it was happening. Luckily it went away after a few hours. + +I've also been waking up a few nights lately sweating a little (that always starts alarm bells in my mind but I told myself it's probably because I was due for my period) + +Then last night, I woke up with a really sore throat. I instantly got kind of nervous - especially combined with the two cold sores recently. I've felt kinda warm all day but in the last few hours, I feel like I'm freezing and think I might be getting a fever - which never happens to me during a cold 😖😖😖 + +So ofc now I'm freaking out wondering if my immune system is destroyed because of Leukemia or Lymphoma. I'm trying to be calm but it's really difficult atm 😔😔 I'm hoping all this has been influenced by how stressed I've been for the last year but I'm still really scared. Any words of advice/support would be incredibly appreciated rn. ",Anxiety +52495,"My progress, how I learned to live and progress with my anxiety. I’ve had anxiety for years, since I was very young, I remember being afraid of everything and having phobias of germs, getting sick, heights, flying, driving, certain foods, etc. I was constantly scared as a child and eventually as I went off to college when I was 16 I slowly learned to live with my anxiety. I tried new things, I slowly came out of my shell. When I hit 34.. everything came to a head, I had gone through a major divorce at 33, lived through COVID under constant fear, I was diagnosed with PCOS, was moving across the country in May and was the heaviest I had ever been May 2022. By August 2022 I had lost 70lbs in almost two months because I was so afraid to eat I was basically crying every single day. I couldn’t eat and refused to, my emetophobia was so strong I could barely move everyday. I was in the ER multiple times, having procedures and CT scans done and no one could find out what was wrong with me. + +It was then that I finally decided that I needed medication, I talked to a psychiatrist for the first time. I felt like a failure, I had been through so much but I couldn’t break this fear and horror of food. Therapy wasn’t helping and I had been so afraid of food that no one could get me to eat more than a bite or two for a whole day. I was prescribed medication because one of its side effects was to rise my appetite, and at first it didn’t work. I felt again, so defeated and exhausted. They put me on a higher dose.. and after a few weeks, I felt hungry. I had cravings again. I felt like finally eating and I was so famished, I finally ate a piece of pizza because the cheese looked so good I couldn’t not eat it. + +September 2022 I decided to start going to the gym, I was scared at first, I only would go in for 20 minutes 3 times a week. I was so weak, I had lost all my muscle starving myself. + +October 2022 I went to the gym for the first time for an hour. I went up to the free weights and was discouraged, but then watched some YouTube videos and started building workouts. I walked my first mile without pain. I was eating 1,800 calories a day. I wasn’t as afraid. + +November 2022 I ate out at a restaurant for the first time in months! I had nachos and they were delicious. I wasn’t afraid! I had my colonoscopy and they found IBS and colitis. I finally had answers to my stomach pains. + +December 2022 I made a big Christmas dinner with my partner and roommate and I ate a full meal! I was now lifting at the gym 5 times a week. + +January 2023 I travelled out of the state on a plane! I ate out almost everyday! I enrolled back into school for my masters. + +February 2023 to now: I workout 5 days a week and I walk 2-3 miles every single day. I keep my body on a routine for my chronic illnesses and I eat a focused healthy diet everyday. + +Some days are still hard, some days have anxiety.. some days my stomach hurts and I have flare ups randomly. But every bad day has five times better ones. I focus on the positive, I try not to be afraid of anything anymore. And even if I am? I remember it can’t hurt me, and I’ll be okay tomorrow. + +I wish everyone the best of luck in your journey and recovery 💜",Anxiety +34250,"Muscle twitching/Spasms since Christmas I got sick for a week pretty bad in November and then around Christmas time (pretty sure it was the flu). Ever since then I get random twitching and spasms in my muscle all over my body (not at the same time). Some days I have it, some days I don’t. I went to a neurologist 2 weeks ago and said it wasn’t MS or ALS. I plan on going to my primary soon but wtf could this be? Anyone ever experience something like this? I’m a 30 year old male. ",Anxiety +33978,"Fear of brain aneurysm Hi, everything started in April/2016 when I read on the news that a boy of my age had an heart attack and died, that made me scared so I started thinking about my own health and got really nervous, one night before going to sleep I was feeling terrible, with a lot of headache and my heart was pumping really fast, but I managed to relax, the thing is after that day I started feeling a burning sensation in a specific spot on the right side of my head, from there on I started to panic a lot thinking I had an aneurysm and everything, with the upcoming months that burning sensation became a light headache, I went to the doctor and did a tomography and everything was fine, he gave me a medication to take and advised me to start exercising. I did it and after about two weeks now I feel less frequent headaches but when I feel it, it feels more intense, I don't know if it was because of the exercises but I'm scared thinking this supposed aneurysm is getting larger and it's going to rupture :( Thanks. + +Everytime I go to the doctor my blood pressure is high because of tenseness, I always think that these high blood pressure moments created an aneurysm :(",Anxiety +51969,"I think I‘m gonna pass out from anxiety I am absolutely spiraling about some things that happened today and I am very anxious about some things that‘ll happen in the next months. +Today my anxiety has reached its new peak. +I am extremely nauseous, lightheaded and it feels like there‘s a thousand butterflies in my chest. +It feels like I‘m about to pass out from anxiety and I don‘t know how to calm myself down. I‘ve tried to distract myself, but it doesn‘t work. +What can I do??",Anxiety +52243,"Anxiety med. that's not an antidepressant? Hello! + +I have always been anxious, and as of 2-3 years ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've been in therapy for years and tried all sorts of medications (Lexapro, Zoloft, medical marijuana, CBD, Valium, Klonopin, Xanax, Amitriptyline), and the only thing that worked were the benzos. I'm extremely lucky to have an NP who fills my Xanax refills. The problem is... I don't want to be addicted to this medication. I take it very sparingly, which is why it works so well, but I only take these when I feel nauseous/jittery/panicky, which, fortunately, is not 24/7. However, I do have GAD pretty bad. In the shower, thoughts just race and I can't find the ""off"" switch. It's ruined my sleep. It's taken a dump on my memory. I just cannot live like this anymore. + +Meditations help in the moment I do them, but I feel like I need to be medicated. I was on Zoloft for about 6 months, and it helped tremendously, but when I tried getting back on it (I properly titrated my dose when I get off them), for some reason the side effects were extremely unbearable. Granted, I started back at 50mg, when before I was on it for 25mg for a week and then 50mg the second week and continued for 4-6 weeks. It could also be that at the time I could tolerate medical marijuana, but now, that makes me either anxious/jittery or straight-up nauseous. + +Lexapro? Forget it. I started at 10mg, and that was a nightmare. I was so nauseous by day 2, if it wasn't for my anti-nausea med, I would've projectile vomitted all over my kitchen floor. The other time I was at 5mg, and I felt so cracked out. + +I also don't like that SSRIs are rough on my body for 4-6 weeks. Maybe that's just the gamble you take, but I hate having increased anxiety, inability to ejaculate, and horrendous stomach pains for a month. Does that sound like fun to anyone? + +I took amitriptyline, and that was more for chronic pain, and it barely did anything, and as for anxiety, I didn't notice much of a difference either, and I tried this medication at 10 and 25mg. + +I have an appointment with my NP tomorrow, and she is well aware I struggle with anxiety. Is there a medication that's not an antidepressant that works for GAD and is not a benzo, meaning I can take as often as needed? + +I've also tried supplements like L-Theanine, Melatonin, and Ashwagandha, and they don't do crap. + +Any experiences with non-antidepressants that worked for you?",Anxiety +35817,"How to give more power to positive thoughts, automatic negative thoughts causing panic attacks I have been suffering from constant automatic irrational negative thoughts for 7 months now. I have had a checkup on every part of my body including 3 heart checkups, I am literally completely fine. I’m a healthy young adult that used to go gym a lot. Since, my anxiety has heightened I’ve stopped going gym in the fear of something happening and I get regular panic attacks. I feel like I’ve been getting better each month but currently my senses are heightened a lot to what’s happening in my stomach and back. Any new sensation, it causes me to panic/worrry and bring those thoughts in which makes no rational sense. However, when I am anxious now, I am really forcing myself to say positive things such as no “I am fine, I am safe, I’ve been through this e.t.c”. But it’s the constant negative irrational thoughts mainly about negative heart connotations or that this person will have to save me or if I go to this place something will happen that constantly pop up and making me excessively panic. I have practiced meditation for a few days now and I’m listening to positive affirmations everyday +So, there’s two stages left of my anxiety now that I need to get rid of. +1) extra heightened sense of awareness for any feeling in my stomach or back(I suffer from heartburn and GERD so there are constant sensations). I have been trying to focus on different parts of my body +2) how can I give more power to my positive thoughts which should lead me to be more excited rather than constantly in state of panic due to these automatic negative thoughts + +So can anyone help? Every day has pretty much been a struggle in this period, I’m a college student so I’ve fallen behind in my work so much. Annoying thing is, I have so many Entrepreneurial goals but in this period I have only lost money and not had any chance to gain so now I’m broke and unable to try anything",Anxiety +34923,"For anyone who’s seriously panicking and feel like they need someone to talk to I’m new to this sub, but really wish i’d known about it 3 days ago when i was having an absolute meltdown over nothing & panic messaged 3 of my friends, even threw up because i was freakin out that much lol. So if anyone ever feels in a state of absolute panic and just needs to talk to someone about it, just sayin feel free to dm, cuz i think we can all agree that HA fckin sucks and sometimes we do just need a rational, outside perspective voice to bring our heads out of the clouds and back down to earth again, and remind us that everything’s fine & there’s so many things to be happy for🙂⛅️",Anxiety +51901,"What to use What to use when you are stressing a lot +Maybe some vitamins or minerals?",Anxiety +35095,"Scared of health problems while flying I'm a 30 yo fm, always have had health anxiety since I was a child. Specific fears of flying and having a heart attack or not being able to breath because of Increased pressure and less oxygen 😫I cause myself anxiety and I start to yawn and panic to get a satisfying breath. Scared I'll suffocate or have a heart attack. Flight is tomorrow and scared ",Anxiety +35036,"First time questions and help Sorry if I mess this up it’s my first time posting on reddit and I need help. + +A little bit of background : + +When I was 16 I had a seizure caused by a perforated eardrum I was on a life support for two days. + +Following my seizure I sort of got depressed and ended up putting on a lot of weight and never socialised with friends (only on games) I honestly left my house about 40 times in 6 years. + +Five years ago my dad had a heart attack which left him on all sorts of medications and has a lasting effect on his heart. + +In January 2017 my mum got diagnosed with oesophageal cancer they said they caught it early and she would survive but by the time march came she had gone from 55kg to 15kg all of the time me and my father was caring for her and watching her deteriorate. She died in the living room looking like which I can only describe as the worst thing I’ve ever seen other members of the family who was there said they’ve seen multiple people die of that horrible disease and my mums was the worst. + +After my mum died I took over full time carer of my brother who had quadriplegic cerebral palsy, epilepsy , severe scoliosis a collapsed lung and can not communicate. + +In 2018 around November I noticed a small lump on one of my testicles which caused me to be concerned and worry about it a lot, this was later cleared up by an ultrasound to be nothing thankfully. + +I’ve been doing fine but recently over christmas an incident happened which I think may have broken? Me mentally. I know this seems trivial but I wanted a peaceful Christmas but my father invited my sister and her family for Christmas dinner and said he would cook, on Christmas Eve he says he’s not cooking so I begin to panic I stayed up all night cooking meats and making sure everything was perfect for when they arrived. When dinner was just about ready to be served I got the potatoes off the stove and went to empty the water now this thing was pretty heavy and I needed a hand to drain it correctly, I asked my sister to hold the lid so I could tilt the pan to drain. She said ok and I began to tilt the pan the lid cane flying off and all the potatoes went down the drain and was ruined. I can honestly say I’ve never felt anything like that moment in my life it felt like I stood still for an hour but in reality it was five seconds while my brain tried to process what the fuck just happened. Then it settled and I just lost it, I began crying and punching doors then went in to the room with my brother and just kept crying. For me as silly as it sounded Christmas was ruined I was down for like three or four days until I recovered mentally. + + +Then on New Year’s Eve my father had too much to drink and basically collapsed and smashed his head on to the floor ( I thought he was dead as he wasn’t breathing for a solid 40 seconds) and didn’t wake up for ten minutes. + + +Then January came and I had some sort of panic attack in which I couldn’t breathe and it felt like my brain was frozen. Ambulance came did tests and said everything was fine I just thought I had a flu or something. Since then I’ve been in to hospital four times all of the time all the tests came back clear apart from an ecg which indicated there may be a slight problem. Doctor said he was 90% happy for me to go home and asked me do I have stress at home which I then told him about my mum etc and then he put it down to stress/ anxiety. + + +My height is 6 ft 1 and 145kg (really fat) + + +Since going to the hospital I can’t stop thinking I have something wrong with me every little thing I google comes up with cancer or some sort of brain disease, I had heartburn recently so the doctor prescribed me omezaprole/prose to combat it as well as setraline/Zoloft or my anxiety. I’ve had what can only be described as “the rattles” and haven’t felt like eating at all which is making me feel worse than ever. Does anyone have these symptoms? + + +Whole body shakes and feels cold +A cough that bring up phlegm sometimes +Back pain and rib pain +Cold hands and feet +Trouble sleeping +Constipation +When I breathe it feels like I’m wheezing or my stomach is gurgling + + +Honestly I’m at wits end and my doctor keeps saying nothing is wrong just wanted a bit of insight to some of you anxiety veterans. + +I’m also really scared to take setraline as the side effects look horrendous. Thanks guys ! + + + + + + +",Anxiety +52725,"High energy Does anyone else feel so stressed and anxious all the time that when they get in social settings they are seen as neurotic because they are so loud and energetic, but also say weird things and then think about how embarrassing that was over and over? Just looking to not feel so alone because I feel annoying, but also if someone has tips on how to be calm that would be great thanks. + +When I am alone I use all this energy in a productive way to do my job or chores around the house but when im with people I word-vomit or say bad jokes, or quite literally bounce off the walls.",Anxiety +52278,"Omg I hate it I have a job interview in 10 minutes and went to the hairdesser beforehand. She asked me if we should wash my hair and I declined bc I don‘t have enough money. So she asked me if I was sure. And instantly I felt bad about my hair, as I thought it was greasy. Now I‘m freaking the f out and I don‘t know how to calm myself. I hope the interviewer doesn‘t look at my hair obviously.",Anxiety +35872,"Body Pulling after waking up. I woke up this morning and immediately slammed into a wall. It feels like someone put bricks in the left side of my head and my overall balance is completely off when I'm standing, sitting or laying down. The left side of my head is just super heavy and is affecting my walking. It just feels like my entire body is being pulled to the left constantly. It's been about 40 minutes and it is still occuring. I'm super scared it's MS or a Brain tumor because it's ALL I can find when I look it up. Has anyone ever experienced this before?",Anxiety +34896,I will not google I have to stop GOOGLING! Some days are much easier and some harder (today). I just come here when I feel the need to look something up on google (you know that once symptom just to see) but I can't it makes everything worse. NO MORE GOOGLING ,Anxiety +52089,Unplug with us during OfflineDay (Mod approved) Over at /r/OfflineDay we go 24 hours without screens or social media once a month and our next event is 7-8 April. We would love for you to join us if you feel like screens has taken a hold of your life or you just want to escape from our modern world for a day and Reconnect with yourself.,Anxiety +52159,"Going off meds I’m on anti anxiety meds and at a dose where I’m still having daily panic attacks plus my environment has me in a bad place mentally. For some reason I feel like I should stop taking my meds and I can’t tell if it’s because I feel ashamed of having anxiety…sorry if this is a stupid question. +Have you ever thought you should not take anti anxiety meds? +Are there any reasons going off anti anxiety meds would help already unmanageable anxiety?",Anxiety +595,,Anxiety +52668,"Feeling as blue as the planet is warm TW CLIMATE CHANGE + +I am 22 yo and I've been studying to become a lawyer for the past 6 years. + +I'm on the verge of finishing my studies and I ask myself: what's the point? + +How are we supposed to keep living as if things were normal, as if Society was not rushing towards a brick wall? + +I've been worried about the environment for years, especially feeling helpless and seeing governments and multinationals not giving a damn. + +In order not to be crushed with worry, I held onto the idea that, at worse, our generation would be okay and it's the next one which would suffer the big consequences. + +In reality, it's hard to be that optimistic, especially as IPCC reports get more serious and worrying every time they're issued. + +The idea that Society is on the verge of collapse feels more realistic as time goes by. I'm scared that it will not be able to adapt to climate change, that we will die or live in a post-apocalyptic world. + +I'm scared and I feel helpless, especially as a future lawyer because I don't see the use in lawyers in such a situation. I'm feeling depressed because I feel like my studies are pointless. I don't see how lawyers can be useful to save the world. + +I feel like it's too late for lawyers to be helpful in urgent times, as law is such a slow process. I feel like what we need are people in the field; scientists, real politicians, essential jobs, etc. + +I feel useless, and I feel really unmotivated to keep on working for my master's thesis.",Anxiety +51881,"Coping mechanisms for trigger scenario I've had nightmare neighbors which my housing have ignored for years the ball is finally rolling but I'm freaking out as they are having the housing officer in question and community officer who doesn't speak up about things they said that were incorrect previously to come for this talk, where were going to discuss their failings. + +Injustice and lying really trigger my anxiety and emotion regulation so I'm wondering what I could do in this meeting to relax? Right now all I can think of is music in one ear and camomile tea",Anxiety +34935,"Fast Heartbeat for 2 hours I hope somebody can help. I had a jog earlier today, then took a hot shower. Ever since the shower, my heartrate has been around 80-90 bpm (even 100? not sure) for 2 hours. I have no other symptoms. + +I know 80-90 is still considered a normal heart rate, but it isn't for me. Mine is usually around 50-60. Of course, I'm really worried about some kind of heart trouble. ",Anxiety +34779,"A person with health anxiety did the 23 and me health test and doesn’t know how to deal with the results. Hi everyone. I am a 20 year old female. Long story short I watched my grandpa, who has been my father figure all of my life, die of a heart attack suddenly after years of going to the cardiologist for monthly checkups being told he was fine. Since then, I’ve had debilitating anxiety which has mostly caused me to be a serious hypochondriac. You name it, I thought I had it. I’ve been through all the typical anxiety symptoms that have caused me to go to countless doctors getting brain scans, blood tests, etc. I’ve never checked out therapy due to always going to medical doctors. When they can’t find anything I don’t trust them I fear them from what they did to my grandpa. I stay up at night thinking about how they didn’t find something that is seriously wrong with me like the cardiologist couldn’t find my grandpas heart attack before he died from it. I have such a fear of death it’s probably insane. + +My main question here is this: I got a 23 and me kit with the ancestry + health for Christmas (like most people!) I was never worried about Parkinson’s since it was never talked about on my moms side of the family. I don’t know my dad personally, I only know of him. I knew he was Italian (which matched to what my reading was saying) but I never knew anything else. I had 2 variants detected in my health report. One major variant detected for Parkinson’s the GBA gene and one variant for Gaucher’s disease (meaning I’m a carrier.) When I say I was shocked I mean I was shocked. My mother never mentioned anything about Parkinson’s on either of my sides. I linked my results up with my moms results (she also had the test) and she also has a variant detected for Gaucher’s disease (she gave it to me I’m guessing) but she doesn’t have one for Parkinson’s only I do. +The more research I do the more I want to cry. From what I’ve been reading I understand that I am at a high risk for Parkinson’s from my gene being a GBA and having Gaucher’s. I see that I am at risk for early Parkinson’s the one that causes the most cognitive decline very early in life. I have health anxiety to begin with (yes I know I probably shouldn’t have done the test) but I really was never expecting THIS. I don’t know where to go from here or what to think. I don’t know what I should do. All my research through various websites, scientific journals, and forums are telling me about what high of a risk I have for early Parkinson’s. I can’t sleep at night after finding this information. My heath anxiety has been through the roof. How serious is this? +Please no judgement. +",Anxiety +34074,"Abdominal discomfort and headaches. Crazy Anxious Im 30 male and overweight. I don't know how much of this is anxiety but I've had all sorts of weirdness in my abdomen for like a month. Cramping all over but mostly a spot of pressure below my left rib. Its like always there though its really minor pain/pressure. But just today I got some pain in my lower right abdomen. I've had GERD a while but its never been like this. Also what feels like a lump in my throat but I went for the CT and laryngoscopy and nothing there. on that For like 2 weeks I've had intermittent tension headaches and lightheadedness. Im scheduled to see the gastroenterologist in a week but I know how anxious I've been and have been considering going to the ER. Just would love some reassurance. + +Thanks",Anxiety +52465,"Not liking seeing others touch others Seeing people touch other people makes me so uncomfortable or mad. I just don't like thinking about how people hold hands or lean on each other, especially when i know there's some sort of feeling behind those interactions. I don't mind when people touch me unless its a special cercomstance but seeing others for example my friends touch each other just ruins my mood, I don't want to be thats guy that ruins the cive while hanging out, any tips?",Anxiety +34678,"Heart rate 90+ while sleeping after flu shot I got the flu shot for the first time this morning, and when I went to bed at 9:30pm my heart rate suddenly hit about 90 (I have a Fitbit) and I could feel it pounding in my chest. It’s now 2am and my heart rate hasn’t dipped below 85 all night when it usually gets as low as 57 when I sleep. + +Anyone else had this happen with the flu shot before? Think I will go to the doc in the morning... + +ETA: realised I might have a fever, and took some aspirin. ",Anxiety +52537,"Bout of Bad Anxiety - Should I consider Therapy. Over the last 2 weeks my (30M) Anxiety had gotten worse to the point of finding it difficult to sleep, no appetite, tight chest, can't focus on work and upset stomach. My doctor proscribed me some very low dose xanax for 10 days and also some other anxiety meds that take around 2 weeks to start working. I'm hesitant to take any of it though, I don't want to feel dependent on meds and then when i stop taking them, the anxiety comes back. + +My long term girlfriend and I broke up earlier in 2022, but we would sometimes keep in touch and see each occasionally. We went to college together, but didnt date in college, so alot of her friends are my friends also. She moved 6 hrs away for a job before we broke up and that was part of why we broke up, along with other things. It was easy being with her from the friends aspect but deep down inside there were some things that really bothered me about our relationship. We always tried to make it work but it just didn't. She ended things with me, but we are on good terms. + +She recently told me that she is seeing someone, and ever since then it has bothered the hell out of me and have had all this anxiety since. Its making me think did I make the right decision in pretty much agreeing to break up, to the point we spoke on the phone and she said, sorry but it's over between us. + +I have gotten anxiety bouts before but its always about job deadlines or things that once over the anxiety goes away. This is different, I know my relationship with her in a romantic way is over, and the severity of this anxiety is much worse than anything I have felt. before. + +Should i consider going to therapy or will just pass in due time? Thought...",Anxiety +34447,"How good/bad is your long term memory? I am 22 now, but the past (my teenage years and younger) seem so foggy. How clearly should do you remember the past? ",Anxiety +52916,"Try to massage the back of your head with your palm, and then concentrate on feeling it and imagine that you are thinking your thoughts and feeling feelings there. This technique helped me to develop awareness of my thoughts and feelings as observer. Also it helped me to heal my anxiety and neurosis. I call this “Back of head method”. I hope you try it and it works. + +If your attempt was successful and you started feeling calmness and ease, i recommend you to regularly practice this method for months to get good results. You won’t even recognize your reaction to impulses after long practice.",Anxiety +35001,"Fear of MS, or is it just my anxiety? I know the likelihood of MS is so low but I don’t know. I have very stiff and tense muscles in my arms, upper back and shoulders and legs where I get frequent muscle spasms if they got overused Andy right leg has a dull burning/stinging sensation in one area of I don’t move it. I can feel the sensation of little shocks and tingles around those areas including the top of my head at certain points. Anxiety and stress seem to worsen the symptoms greatly as I don’t really get the tingles when I’m completely relaxed. I don’t see a neurologist until a week and a half and I really just want it to be a combination of stress/anxiety and the right muscles but that slim possiblity that it is frightens me. I don’t want to live with this pain and sensations forever ",Anxiety +34535,"Worried about tetanus. Today I was tearing apart an old wooden desk. There was one screw I was loosening and I reached out to pull the screw out when something pricked my pointing finger. + +I immediately pulled my pointing finger away and went straight to the bathroom to disinfect it with hydrogen peroxide. There was a small metal piece which had loosened from the screw and pricked me. The wound is no larger than a pinprick and it had no notable bleeding. + +Yet, here I am worried about tetanus. +Please educate me or assure me that I am going to be just fine - if you could. I am driving myself crazy.",Anxiety +34391,"Itchy vagina - anxious nighttime scratching NOT STI related. Advice wanted. I scratch my vagina - a lot. I do it most before bed and often wake up in the middle of the night scratching. I scratch when I'm watching Netflix and anytime I'm 'idle.' I get the urge to scratch sometimes at work, but very rarely when I'm busy or out having fun. + +I've been tested for STIs and yeast and bacterial infections many times, it's none of these things. + +The scratching problem also affects my anus but to a lesser extent. + +When I get the urge to scratch, it's like a twitch that I can't ignore. Once I start scratching I find it very hard to stop. I feel relief when I scratch until I scratch so much that I tear the skin and it begins to hurt and bleed. When I'm scratching I notice that I'm usually holding my breath and my body is tense. + +My suspicion is that it's an anxious behaviour and now that I've suffered for over 4 years, it's become an unconscious 'tick' that I can't kick. + +I tried acupuncture and only experienced a mild improvement from 1 of my total 5 sessions. The improvement didn't last. + +Has anyone else suffered from this condition? Any and all advice/personal stories would be so very appreciated. ",Anxiety +34504,"Struggling tonight I've always had issues with health anxiety and I can get really scared when I think even the slightest thing is wrong with me. I finally got to the doctor for my annual physical and that was a nice victory in itself. Unfortunately my blood work came back with low platelets and elevated liver enzymes. My doctor had me get retested and those numbers came back today -- and they're worse, so now I'm going in for an ultrasound and more testing to rule out hepatitis. I can't stop shaking and crying. I'm so scared! It's probably going to be nothing but I can't stop thinking about all the serious things it could be. I'm taking care of it with my doctor, but I really could just use 100000 hugs right now. And some chocolate. I just wish everything came back fine instead of having these things to worry about until I get it all confirmed that it's okay. Every time I even look at my dog, I think he's looking at me like he knows I'm sick. My anxiety is just spiraling out of control.",Anxiety +583,Dilemma. confused. restless... what should I do tomorrow... //,Anxiety +422,"Heart disease that is hard to get rid of: it's really hard not to be curious about other people's lives, you're jealous to the point of restlessness. Any tips?",Anxiety +35087,"After Grandma Died i don’t know what’s happening but my grandma died a couple days ago & physical things have been hurting me. such as: + +knee pain that lasted two days then went away +lower right back pain +back pain +sore abdomen +jaw pain +tightness in chest that makes it hard to breathe + + +also i’m constipated so maybe it has to do something with that but i don’t think so. she died of cancer as well as other things that tied into it & im so fucking scared that i have all of what she had & that i’m going to die this year & trust me, i’ve been very anxious about my health but not as much as this. im scared all the time & i see the doctor in a week but still. plus i’m 15 & i’m so stressed & anxious & everything hurts even more ",Anxiety +52146,"Driving Anxiety Has anyone experienced driving anxiety? If so, what helped the most?",Anxiety +35496,"Vision Anxiety/Confusion Is it normal to not be able to focus on anything within about a foot from your eyes? Like, it's basically double vision up until a foot. Then it seems like for a few feet out, I have to make a conscious effort for things to remain focused. Or, it's kind of like, if I zone out, things within a few feet will go out of focus, or be doubled. Everything beyond a few feet stays focused, however. + +Basically is it normal to easily see double vision one foot out, and somewhat easily see it a 2-3 feet out?",Anxiety +52287,"Does anyone else have an extremely sensitive gut due to anxiety? When my anxiety gets bad I get bowel discomfort. My digestion is poor, and I basically get what amounts to an IBS flare up. I had some anxiety for a couple of days this week and I have been in agony for about 4 days now, long after the anxiety subsided. Last night my gut hurt so bad I couldn't even sleep. + +I may actually have IBS and it may actually be tied to my anxiety, I don't know. Can anyone else relate to this?",Anxiety +35847,"Cough With Phlegm For Over a Week Now I’ve been having this progressively worse cough for the past week and half or so now. I feel the mucus when I cough, but I don’t cough it up. I don’t have a fever, and I’ve felt completely fine otherwise. I had a cold a few weeks ago, so maybe this is part of it. Should I see a doctor for this?",Anxiety +52126,any tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks while at work? i’ve always had anxiety and panic attacks but lately it has been getting worse and i can’t seem to pinpoint why or what is triggering it. on friday last week i had the worst panic attack i’ve ever had while at work and i couldn’t stop crying and shaking for at least 45 mins and today it happened again but for even longer and my boss ended up sending me home since i couldn’t calm down which made me feel really bad as i haven’t worked much this week. at first i thought it might be the sertaline i started taking but i’ve been taking it since new year’s eve and my anxiety is only now starting to get worse,Anxiety +53039,"selfishness ""I don't feel very good, it's like I don't belong in this world (I don't think I ever did). My friends are happy, and I'm always the one who's not really funny and who ruins the mood. So now I try to say as little as possible, people always ask me if I'm okay, if I'm tired, or worse, they say I'm scary. I think I'm just a mistake. People must find me weird or creepy, it's ruining me. A few years ago, my brother committed suicide, I felt very close to him, I think about his death all the time, I wish I could start my life over again and make the right choices (for once). What affects me the most is girls, I think... It's ridiculous, but I would love to have a relationship with a (very) pretty girl. Sometimes I think I've suffered so much that I would at least deserve that. I saw the damage my brother's death caused in my family, now I think if I didn't have a family to make suffer => suicide. My message is so selfish, and I know it. Thank you for reading these few lines..."" + +\-Lust",Anxiety +35472,"What is wrong with me? So I’m 13”4, and today I felt really ill. When my temperature was taken it was 39c. (About 102f) My mother said she is going to Walmart to get ibprophen. I googled it and it says it increases risk of heart attack and stroke. She also told me to check for rashes. Is there anything she’s not telling me? (My entire body feels warm, but I also feel cold.) I also have a runny nose and cough.",Anxiety +227,"Have you ever been so nervous, scared, and anxious that you want to throw up?",Anxiety +51932,"I’m Afraid My Mom Might Hurt Me So the preface, I’m someone in my early twenties living with my parents. My parents have been fighting for years, occasionally physically. This would usually include my mom knocking in my dad’s door to argue with him. These arguments would usually start with topics that included bills, taxes, or myself, that would eventually escalate to more personal matters I will not get into too much here. I used to try to intervene when things got too heated since they can’t stop themselves, but recently I have decided not to so anymore as the last time I tried to intervene, my mom did physically attack me (I didn’t get hurt, I was just standing in front of my dad and she lurched at me). + +Last night, she called me to ask if I could knock on my dad’s door, since he wasn’t responding to her calls, because she “needed to pay a bill.” I knew that this wasn’t just about a bill, so I compromised and sent him a text instead, I even sent her a screenshot as proof. And I wasn’t going to call him/wake him up in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency, as I would consider it to be rude to do so. + +She then says “don’t worry your little head about, go back to sleep or whatever, okay?” + +Then, she called me again, this time saying “What are the consequences gonna be? Knock on the fucking door.” I declined, saying I don’t want to be a part of whatever was going on between them, and she should talk to him about this, to which she said “I know. He’s your loving dad, and I’m the evil mom.” + +I said goodnight to her, she laughs and responded with “not goodnight. Good bye.” + +I say that I will talk to her tomorrow, and she replies “I’ll never talk to you again. Not tomorrow, not the next day, or the next.” + +She then calls me twice then immediately hangs up. + +She calls me one more time that night, here are the things she said when I declined to knock on my dads door again: + +“I ask you to do one simple thing, and you didn’t do it. It’s just a simple thing! I tried calling your dad, and he isn’t answering me. It’s not like you’re picking sides or anything! Translation: “Look at what I do for you! And yet, you can’t this simple task for me? Well then I will rescind my love for you!” + +“It’s not like you’re picking sides or anything!” + +“You’re full of shit, just like him (my dad).” + +“Where has your dad been all of your life?” + +“You need to take responsibility.” + +“Is this what one of your councilors told you to say, the one that I pay [x amount of money, I don’t exactly remember].” + +“You don’t even know what is going on.” + +“But fine. You can do whatever- go to sleep, wake up in the morning, do whatever you do.” + +Me: “ok. Goodnight, mom.” + +And finally, I said goodnight to her, and she said: “Don’t call me mom. Just say good night.” + +That’s not to say my dads innocent either or anything - he’s hella toxic and has treated my mom poorly as well, so it is hard to tell where the abuse and victimization starts and ends between the two of them. Basically, they’re both each others abusers and victims, if that makes any sense at all. + +But I do believe he is the safer parent, as although he can, at his worst, make me feel very uncomfortable to be around him, as he is kind of an asshole at times, I don’t feel like my safety is threatened around him, unlike with my mom. He’s a lesser of two evils , if you will. + +So I just feel really anxious right now. I did not want to be used as a pawn against dad, and my mom immediately associated me with him. So, now I’m afraid that when she comes home, she will start to treat exactly like she treats dad, or worse. I’m afraid she might start pounding my door and attacking verbally and physically. + +Okay that is all, I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading this.",Anxiety +51972,"Life I just wanna rant ab this cuz im embarrassed saying it irl because we all struggle and its not something special. i just hate how lifes going and might go. im find im just in college, i have a fine family situation and everything but man im just tired working, doing homework and whatnot. the fact that i have to keep working hard in both of these categories to succeed in the future makes me very anxious and i hate it. imma keep going tho i just hate it.",Anxiety +52533,"why I can't shower? hi, + +can I have depression without knowing, I have anxiety but it don't stop me from doing things I like except showering, I don't really have any motivation to shower, but I can do anything beside showering + +I'm really confused :|",Anxiety +273,"Time is slow for those who wait, too long for those who are restless, and too short for those who are happy. ",Anxiety +35293,For real products that contain real health benefits. For real products that contain real health benefits. Try justpureorganic.com They have great prices and quality products. They do have CBD in all the products listed with CBD. They are also a small veteran owned company with low overhead and supply to a lot of veterans in the Phoenix metro area. Which is the reason for the low prices.,Anxiety +52207,,Anxiety +101,"Not regretting or holding grudges/angry at things that have passed, and not worrying too much about the future, that's true serenity",Anxiety +52055,"Public speaking tips? Hi, all. I have to give a presentation at work next week (45 minutes long and the CEO will be in attendance). I’m already panicking, as once the anxiety kicks in, I’m certain I’m going to forget everything I’m supposed to say. ( anxiety makes it very difficult for me to focus on anything) Does anyone have any speaking tips that have worked for them in the past? Thanks so much!",Anxiety +34221,"Psychiatrist wants me to get a blood test She says it could show the levels of medication in my blood and if it's effective, etc. And if I have a thyroid disorder or diabetes or vitamin deficiency or some other physical reason for my depression and anxiety. Yeah, it makes perfect sense to get the blood test. + +But I swear to God I just don't think I can do it. I am so sure something serious will be wrong with me and I just don't think I can handle it. Last time I had a blood test I fainted when I heard the results, which weren't actually bad in any way. Just thinking about it has had me depressed and anxious and crying for days now. I'm not afraid of needles, but I can't imagine going to the doctor for the blood test, let alone waiting for days for the results. I just don't think I can do it. I don't *want* to do it, even though I know it's objectively a good idea. + +I'm seriously considering just... not seeing this psychiatrist anymore. I guess I could eventually find one who doesn't demand blood tests. + +I don't know what I'm asking for here. Advice if you have it, but if not, can anyone relate?",Anxiety +52755,"I read that poppig your neck can cause a stroke and now i'm freaking out I always crack my neck and have been doing it for years, but now i read that multiple young people below 28 died of strokes because they tore a vein when they cracked their neck :( + +I just cracked it before i read that and now i have a really bad headache on the right side and in the articles they say it took a week for the actual stroke to happen after the artery got damaged, i am so scared of strokes litteraly the first sign of my anxiety disorder were stroke symptoms that i went to the hospital with + +I hate it i wish i never read about this, now i feel everything in my neck and i keep checking for blue or red spots in the mirror, and i keep touching the veins to feel if there is a bump or anything. + +Man i don't want to die like this i only cracked my neck, people do that all the time right??",Anxiety +52261,"I need advice. I’ve had Crohns since I was 6 years old, currently 21, and it has affected me more than I realized. My mental health is very bad and has been since 2020. My mother passed away the moment I graduated high school in 2019 and I haven’t been the same since. I don’t have any other family near me to help me out, and I’m alone in my head all the time even though I have a girlfriend. She helps me as best as she can but it doesn’t change anything once nighttime comes around. Once she’s asleep I’m back to overthinking and start crying and want to just end it all. I miss my old life, I miss what I used to have, and I’ll never be the same again. And just thinking about that kills me. I’ve been told many of times to just think about the present instead of the future or past, or don’t think badly, try to think of all the good times and BS like that but it doesn’t work for me. I’m mentally fucked up and physically with my stomach. I physically can’t work due to my Crohns, I’m on the toilet at least 5-6 times a day sometimes even up to 10 times. And it’s never pretty. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m on a small budget, and I’m just tired of feeling like this. I used to smoke weed but I’ve stopped thinking it would help out in the long run but it hasn’t been any different since I’ve quit. I will not take pills, I do not want to get addicted to anything or be stuck on psych meds. Please God can someone help me find a way to make it out. I’m so smart and I have such a good head on my shoulders but I just physically and mentally can’t work or do anything 70% of the day. Please, if anybody has any advice on what I can do to get the voices out of my head without admitting myself I would be forever grateful.",Anxiety +34001,"A positive mind and the danger of paper cuts [comedy] http://www.sssscomic.com/comicpages/831.jpg + +Last panel just cracked me up. + +Full comic if you enjoy post apocalyptic zombies and norse magic: http://www.sssscomic.com/index.php",Anxiety +51922,"Have my body forgotten how to breath properly? I have a constant feeling of tightness in my chest. +No matter how i breathe i can never take a breath that feels relaxing and satisfying. +Sometimes when i don't pay attention to my breathing i subconsciously hold my breath for a few seconds only to gasp for air a few moments later. +Most of the time my breathing is shallow and irregular. + +A lifetime of anxiety and the associated sensation of having a hard time breathing makes me believe my nervous system have forgotten how to breath properly. + +Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +52839,"fomo from things i’m not involved in does anyone else get this? recently i watched a tv show, and have become a bit obsessed with it and the relationship between the 2 main characters, both in the show and in real life. it’s not even a romantic relationship, it’s a father-daughter type. and i have a good relationship with my dad so i’m not sure where the feelings are coming from, but i can’t shake them. i keep thinking about the show and how good it was, and how beautiful their relationship is. and then my social media’s keep showing me edits and clips from interviews etc that just make me more interested. but i always end up feeling sad after because i’m not a part of it? at least i think that’s what the feeling is. +i’m wondering if anyone else has felt like this, and how you explain it? or what you did to move on or look at it in a more positive way. i’m tired of feeling sad.",Anxiety +432,"It just felt like a storm, rumbling, boisterous, restless and quite stifling.",Anxiety +34301,"Absolutely terrified of having autism. Does anyone have fears of mental illness/ developmental delay? This would honestly be funny if it didn’t scare me so badly. I don’t really even know why it scares me this much, and I feel bad because autism isn’t strictly a negative. It’s just a different wiring of the brain that emphasizes different skills. It’s dumb, but I can’t help it. + +Last night I had a nightmare that I was actually autistic and that no one had ever told me so that I could live a more normal life. The whole thing shattered my perspective of myself in a way that was profoundly uncomfortable and was kind of from a third person view although I felt everything very intensely. I looked quite different, but the thing that freaks me out is that what if I actually do look like that and just have a very limited outside perspective of myself. I also saw a bunch of ways that maybe certain interactions I thought were normal may only have felt alright because I’m actually autistic. + +This all would just be a weird one off dream if I hadn’t been terrified of being autistic for a long period last summer. I would spend every break possible at my summer internship taking diagnostic tests to prove to myself that I don’t have it. I was an anxious mess. + +Since then, I’ve had a number of fears about having different mental illnesses (everything from schizophrenia to NPD to bipolar) and don’t know quite what to do about it. I think I have ocd, but I haven’t been able to go to therapy. + +Has anyone else had hypochondria about these specific themes? What strategies help you? + +Edit: I also know that I don’t have any of the symptoms, but I can’t help be afraid any way. ",Anxiety +52037,"Are SSRI side effects dose dependent? For example, is one more likely to experience side effects the higher the dose or the bigger the increase in dose?",Anxiety +34403,"Cervical cancer? Hi guys, I’m 18 years old and I have been noticing irregular periods and weird bloody discharge. I have no pain whatsoever, not during sexual intercourse or while urinating. I have an appointment to see a gyno but I’m really worried. Could this be cervical cancer or something else? (Also I’ve had a ultrasound done and everything was fine?? Can cervical cancer be detected through that?) ",Anxiety +33992,"Is it helpful to reassure those suffering from HA? I’m seeing so many threads on here discussing symptoms and asking whether the symptoms are possibly cancer, heart disease, *insert other terrifying illness.* I suppose I’m wondering if it is actually helpful to answer these threads and reassure these people? It just feels like the poster might get some reassurance, feel better for awhile and then just turn their attention to another illness, never actually dealing with their anxiety. I think reassuring these posters and even encouraging them to see the doctor is not helping address what really is the root problem here.",Anxiety +34913,"That one time i thought i was dying This one is a funny story, one time in the morning I went to the toilet while I was half asleep. So I did my business and I always checked my pee so when I looked into the toilet the liquid was blue and I was like ""okay, h*ly shit, I've never seen anything like this before, I am dying"" so I called my mom and I was like ""mother, my pee is blue, we need to go to the hospital."" Anyways, turns out it was just one of those toilet blue water thingies that they installed while I was asleep. At least now I can laugh about it. +(My apologies if my English isn't that good) ",Anxiety +34395,"Colon cancer anxiety Hey all. I've been losing my sleep worrying about this. Last week i've had bouts of diarrhea, they ocurred around the same time for 3 days or so. After that, i've had constipation, and i'm still suffering from it. I can pass stools with a lot of straining, but they're really small, rabbit like (no blood). +Also, last friday night i woke up very suddenly and threw up. That was the only time this happened though, and i had eaten out all day (a thing i don't usually do) but it still makes me worry. + +I should also add i've started taking Paxil again last tuesday after tapering off of it in January due to my anxiety. I've read that it might cause some of the stuff i'm feeling, but i never had those the first time i took it, so i can't help but think i have cancer or something.",Anxiety +51951,"Tips on how to accept my symptoms are just anxiety and start living again?? The last month has been such a struggle for me. I started having panic attacks where my heart rate would spike to 150-180. I went to my doctor in case it wasn’t anxiety and just had my Holter Monitor results come back. I had one of these attacks while on it and thankfully no dangerous rhythms were found. Just some high rates but not sustained so my doctor is unconcerned. So once again, this is all anxiety. + +My therapist thinks it’s because I started a new job last month and I’m falling back into my old health anxiety habits because “Stress compounds symptoms”. + +This has gotten so bad that the past week I haven’t even been able to leave my bed out of fear of my heart getting too high. Due to probably the fear when I cooked or did dishes my heart rate could get up to 130 then if I noticed and began to worry it went up to 160. + +Now that I know I’m fine I thought I’d be okay but I’m still constantly watching my smart watch to see how high my heart rate gets then panicking when I see it go above 120 from just walking around the house but when I’m calm it doesn’t go over like 110. This happened on the Holter and it was normal. I know this is just anxiety but I can’t stop obsessing that I have a heart issue that’ll kill me. + +I just need help to take the smart watch off and stop taking my blood pressure. It’s just making everything worse. Yesterday alone, according to my logs, I took my blood pressure 50 times. I was worried because my bp was low when standing yet my heart rate was high so I thought it was dangerous. It happened again this morning and my heart rate got to 165. This constant checking is driving me crazy and ruining my life. How do I stop this??",Anxiety +52539,"trying to cope is killing me too... ive been isolating myself and unintentionally staying sick (ulcers and other stomach problems) bc its the only way the self hatred and obsessive thoughts that eat up my mind subside and also i forget easily since feeling this weak. this situation has been overextending to the point where idk how bad it is, im very swollen and dont digest properly... i have palpitations every day and a very slow heart rate. + +I just feel very alone and i know its not worth it to keep going like this... but i have no assistance and no one really, i know this burden shouldn't be carried by a friend but i wish i were able to give and at least have 1 relationship that works. + +My family is very strange and manipulative, it wasnt until now that ive been realizing a bunch of shit about them. Still, i havent done anything for myself or protected my space. i dont know how to deal with this...",Anxiety +146,"Honestly, I'm really nervous",Anxiety +52247,"Health Anxiety This past few months I’ve had a set of symptoms that have had me worried that I have a neurological disorder. I am wondering if these symptoms could be caused by stress, and if anyone here has had similar symptoms they know to be caused by stress. + +A little context, I recently got accepted into my dream job. The only hitch is that it has intense training for six months, where if you fail a test at any point you are dismissed. The material we are required to study is immense in volume and the tests are close to twice a week. + +In the month leading up to the course I found myself experiencing a small head fog. It developed more and more over the weeks into the worst head fog of my life. I could barely think and always felt a sort of pressure in my head. Math I would normally fly through was difficult and even just simple thoughts were hard to get out sometimes. As the course started my vision started to feel off, not quite sure if it was/is double or blurry as it’s not that bad, but I can tell it’s off. My eyes also got super sore for a week or so. About a week ago I also started to feel my left jaw and arm go a bit numb/tingly. It’s mostly there but comes and goes in intensity. + +Since the head fog I have been chronically online in search of answers which has lead me down every rabbit hole. I am frightened i have something like MS, and though I know my research into it along with my stress with my course is more likely to blame, I can’t help but doubt that stress alone could give me blurry vision, numb arm/face, and immense brain fog + +I would really appreciate anyone’s experience with stress, ms, or related symptoms. + +Thanks all",Anxiety +52538,DAE: have difficulty doing the easiest of tasks like for example showering when the anxiety has been severe? I feel so embarassed about it,Anxiety +52038,"I'm getting very anxious about my dental procedure tomorrow It's not something I wanna do, but I'm made to do it. I had a root canal procedure because of an infection and my dentist recommends I get a crown for further stability. I personally think it's optional at the moment since it's my front tooth and it isn't subject to a lot of pressure. But you know, Asian parents, they're forcing me through it tomorrow. + +I'm so against getting a crown because it involves drilling away healthy tooth structure so that it will fit. It's permanent because tooth enamel can't grow back and so such a procedure I've been constantly anxious about it since the appointment got booked 3 weeks ago. Every day since, I've been dreaded for the day which is tomorrow. Has anyone had similar experiences or currently has a crown in their mouth? I'm worried about many things such as whether it feels like your natural tooth, whether it's the exact same color or a little bit off.",Anxiety +52824,"Anxiety possible caused by smoking (suicidal thoughta) I tried quitting amoking for a month and relapsed and in that time i developed new feelings about life mainly nihilistic thoughts about life, ive been smoking again for 4 days and my anxiety wont go away, i just want itnto stop man i feel so shitty i want to kill myself to make it end, me going through this existential chrisis is not helping the fact i wanna end it all. Please someone help me, im so confuaed :<",Anxiety +35720,"Freaking out It’s past midnight here and I have work early in the morning. I have been feeling this pain in the left side of my chest for the past hour every time I breathe. I don’t know what it is and it’s freaking me out. This is what I wrote out in my notes: + +What I think I have: +- GERD +- Angina +- Pleurisy + +What I’m feeling: +- Dull pain in left chest area, towards the middle of the boob (this is new and just started happening) +- Burning feeling in area before stomach starts (comes and goes) +- Constant burning/pain sensation in left chest area (comes and goes randomly) + + +I don’t know how to calm myself down. I can’t fall asleep because I’m scared because I feel like I have some sort of blood clot that will burst any second now. ",Anxiety +34349,"Lump in breast...? Help? A few days ago I discovered that there's a firm, oval-shaped lump (?) on the side of my right breast. It's smooth and I kind of have to press firmly to feel it. There's no pain, only if I press it, it kind of feels like when you have a bruise and you press on the bruised area lightly. So, not quite pain, just kind of like a dull feeling. + +There are no other symptoms. + +Should I go to the doctor just to be safe? +And in the event that it is serious, how long can I afford to wait before seeing a doctor? + +I'm only 19, and I know breast cancer in young people is pretty rare, but I can't stop worrying that I might be in that unlucky tiny minority. + +I'm posting this because I know little on the subject. I know that breast lumps are treated like a big deal, yet logically I know it doesn't seem likely... ",Anxiety +470,"Believe me, he loves you very much.. It's just that you are too worried about losing, because you have fallen so many times",Anxiety +52924,"Scared to ask mom for things because of judgement +Ok so kinda a weird post, and I’m not sure if it belongs here, but I figured this sub was probably the best one for it. I also tried the social anxiety sub, but my post was instantly removed. So basically I have this huge fear of asking my mom for things because I think she will judge me for them. I don’t have this fear around anyone else (I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks of me) but for some reason I have it with her. I’m not talking about little things like asking for something at the store or asking for basically any necessity. I’m talking about bigger things like hair dye, piercings, or really anything to do with clothing. For example, recently I worked up the confident to ask her over text if I could dye my hair, which she is fine with, however later that day when she asked me to show her pictures of what I want, I chickened out and got to scared to show her. It’s like I knew she would say yes, but I was still to scared to show her because I was afraid she’d say something judgmental to me. She has always been sorta judgmental towards me but I really want to get over this fear because it prevents me from getting a lot of the things I really want. Is there anything I can do?",Anxiety +52853,"Can anxiety get triggered by nothing? I don’t know how to explain it but the last week or two I have been in a constant panic mode. always on edge , I feel sick 24/7, crying etc. But nothing has triggered me ? I just woke up one day and I knew something wasn’t right in my brain , I just felt really fuzzy and confused and now two weeks later I’m in a constant fight or flight mode.",Anxiety +204,"In my father's family, everyone is smart, I'm sure the expectations for me are also high it makes me very anxious to think about this huhu",Anxiety +33950,"skipping beats and not feeling well overall Hi all, so recently i tried mountain climbing, During this mountains climbing i've had a few irregular beats that scared the hell out of me, it never happened to me before when i was exercising until this time. It feels like my heart skips a beat and then i feel i big thud in my chest. since then i've been too scared to excercice. i went to the emergency room because i couldn't wait till morning, i've had an ecg done and then they told me that everything looks just fine, and it is not necessary to do any further tests. but i feel like something is missing, since i feel constant dizziness and my body overall feels very weak. Is this normal? +I also got anxiety and health anxiety for some time now. ",Anxiety +34304,"Overcoming exhaustion? First time poster here. I think it’s appropriate because I think a big part of this may be health anxiety related. + +I travel a lot for my job. It’s mid-feb and I’ve been in 5 cities in 2 countries already. I train and speak, so it’s energy intensive work. Not to mention flying all the time. I have two cross country trips - 5 flights - this week alone. + +I keep getting super sick. Last year I was not well - bronchitis, pneumonia - from early October through thanksgiving, then caught the flu in early December. Yesterday I started coming down with aches and sore throat, had to take a day off work to rest and am fully exhausted still. + +I don’t know if this is a real thing or if this is normal given the circumstances? I now have so much anxiety about staying healthy that I take all kinds of supplements and wear a mask in airports/planes. I was my hands every hour. I feel like such a freak but I’m so tired of being sick, I’ll do anything! + +I want to get stronger, but the exhaustion gets worse after I exercise. I’ll swim in a hotel pool or walk a few miles and just be crawling at the end of a really light workout. + +Any advice from folks who have overcome or learned to manage exhaustion gratefully received. + +I’m off to bed now but will check back in the morning.",Anxiety +34217,"Health anxiety is a vicious circle. Not sure if anyone has this, but my health anxiety can fixate around my vision. Thus becoming a vicious circle of worrying about my vision, which makes it worse, which in turn I then worry about...so on and so forth. + +Been to the opticians on numerous occasions, yet it always seems to come back on random occasions... + +Fucking sucks.",Anxiety +34372,"2 Swollen Lymph Nodes...still freaking out About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a pea-sized growth under my skin in the inguinal groin region, then another. Was mis-diagnosed at first as a hernia, went to doc and they said if i threw up, go right to er. + +Next morning, threw up 3 times (from anxiety probably), went to ER. They poked me, said ""these are swollen lymph nodes, better order some tests."" So, I got bloodwork, a CT Scan and an ultrasound. Lymphoma, or another cancer is my ultimate fear. + +Everything came back normal. Just two enflamed lymph nodes on the CT Scan. They diagnosed it a probable bacterial infection, maybe given to me by the cat I got a week before all of this started. Gave me antibiotics. + +So I am about two weeks out from that, finished my antibiotics and the nodes are still the same size. Have been to GP twice since the ER, thinking I felt more nodes, he said all seems normal, and it could take a month for the nodes to go down, and they may never go down. He says he doesn't think I have lymphoma and is almost convinced fully of it. + +Made the mistake of reading that only a biopsy can detect cancer, so have now convinced myself I have cancer somehow, despite 3 ER docs and a nurse telling me it probably wasn't. The nodes are still about the same size, maybe bigger, but not by much. This is kilin me. + +edit: the doc and er doc say they are too small and superficial to even biopsy right now, which makes me feel even dumber. ",Anxiety +52543,"Physical symptoms So my therapist gave me an idea and a bit of a tip. +She told me when she was going through her anxiety and health anxiety she used to have pains and obsess over them like I do. +Well she told me she started working out so whenever her body was sore she tricked her brain into thinking it was from working out and it kinda was.. so it helped her +Well today my heart always just goes insane even laying in bed . I jumped up and started dancing as soon as I felt my heart go weird . I mean I figured I’d give it something to go wild about 😂 In theory should work right ? +it was funny non the less",Anxiety +602,being restless since noon but being ignored,Anxiety +35100,"PLEASE reassure me. Do i just have anxiety or heart complications/angina? I truly HATE Google. Anything I look up comes back with ""go to the doctor or you will DIE"". + +SYMPTOMS + +Left(just as much chance as the right) side of my chest has pain. It feels kind of internal and dull. It doesn't feel sharp. It comes and goes. + +I've been having these night shivers for two to three months now, where I shake uncontrollably in my legs and my feet start to sweat (sometimes hands not always). I feel better by deep breathing, but not shortness of breath, while going under the blanket to warm up. I also stick my stomach out and hold an object against my stomach pushing into it. This happens I've noticed, when I smoke medical grade marijuana or have excessive sugar, like a unhealthy big cake slice and ice cream. It's to the point where I know when it will happen because I get a little light headed and don't feel myself and it will happen 3-5 minutes later. + +Recently, these chest pains have been occuring. I feel like I'm going to die. After it's over I just WANT to cry or die even if it's gone. + +I don't really get this from exercise. I can try again but I just ran up four flights of stairs and I feel it, but I don't have to sit down or breathe like I can't breathe. It hurts because I think about it! + +Neck pain sometimes but usually depends how I sleep. Back pain sometimes. Not really arm pain. + +My gf says no worth going to the doctor cause the bills. My dad says it's in my mind. Neither of them can physically feel what I'm feeling. As I'm typing this I'm fine but if I think about it it will come the way I explained (dull just a mild annoyance type of pain) + +I'm fucking 23 and healthy. I dance, am vegetarian, sometimes work out and I really don't deserve this. It gets me SO MAD that this has randomly been happening where I'll punch my chest when it hurts just for the fact that I am so pissed off at myself for having this. It's ruining me mentally and I've always had very bad anxiety. I have panic attacks often now as well, around one a day and none if I'm lucky. I used to smoke marijuana a lot and nothing would happen, not even these panic attacks. I have recently started a career job but it's a very stressful one where I deal with public transportation and the crazyb commuters. + +Somebody please I beg to make me feel a little reassured!!!! My dad and his family have diabetes. Last time I went to the clinic three months ago, they said I was fine! No blood tests just the blood pressure arm band was used. Is this angina, anxiety, heart problems?? ",Anxiety +35693,"Chest pains earlier today. Scared to go to sleep. Hi all. I'm new to this subreddit and so glad I found it. Ever since I got pregnant (currently 13 weeks), I've been experiencing a ton of health anxiety. This is new for me, so it's especially terrifying. Earlier today I had chest pains and got in the car and drove to the ER. Once I got to the parking lot, I calmed down and felt better. I didn't even go inside. My chest seemed to relax and I was okay enough to drive home and listen to a podcast to calm down. I've had panic attacks for as long as I can remember (not specifically related to my health until now), and this just felt different than a normal panic attack. I've never had chest pain with my panic attacks. A few minutes ago I started getting the chest pain again. It's been hours since it last happened. Does this sound like anxiety? Would chest pains related to a heart attack come and go throughout the day? I'm currently afraid to go to sleep due to the chest pain...im worried ill die in my sleep and not wake up if I'm experiencing pain. Thanks for any responses in advance.",Anxiety +304,Restless restlessness accompanies,Anxiety +52210,"Health anxiety sucks. I've been struggling with headaches & a lot of brain fog for the past month or so. It hasn't really caused any issues besides me feeling super out of it & pain until recently after a really sharp pain in the left side of my head which has lead to the ''buzzing'' in my head getting a lot worse and the same side throbbing randomly. I'm so anxious it could be something serious but my brain is also telling me i'm overreacting. it's causing my health anxiety to flare up a lot, It's gotten so bad i'm wide awake googling symptoms of what it could possibly be & struggling to even relax at home because the symptoms are constant which leads my anxiety going through the roof and the cycle continues. I wanna go to the doctor but I also don't wanna waste their time in case they can't help me or it isn't anything at all & it's all in my head. I was struggling before this but now this is really debilitating for me. I don't wanna get out of bed because i'm just gonna have to deal with the random pain/throbbing and the anxiety about it. I just wanna feel normal again.",Anxiety +35721,"Do I have POTS? When I stand up my heart rate increases noticeably, I’m worried I have Postural Tachycardia Syndrome? Tingling on right side of chest and arm. Thank you ahead of time.",Anxiety +35346,"I don’t understand why my sickness won’t go away. I’m starting to think I might have neck or throat cancer. Two months ago I went to the doctor due to a cough and a caught up stuffy head I’ve had for literally 2-3 months straight. The doctor gave me decongestants and antibiotics to tackle infections. 1 month later I still have the cough, and I developed really bad mouth ulcers which made it extremely difficult to eat or even talk, along with a lump developing under my jaw which was supposedly a swollen lymph node. I got a blood test taken. I also had constant tiredness. + +I got acid reflux then in between all of this which I also got medicine for. It’s cured now. + +I got prescribed medicine again and I got rid of the ulcers and the soreness in my mouth. The lump under my jaw disappeared, and my blood tests said I was perfectly fine, but I still don’t feel right. Another lump has just grown on the right side of my neck this time, and my cough and stuffy head is STILL effecting me. I’m really starting to worry that this might be something very serious. Why can’t I just become fully healthy? It’s been months, almost 4 months now. I’m going back to the doc again on Friday and this time I’m going to tell her my concerns. ",Anxiety +34155,Is this common and can you relate ? Hi I recently read about something called Tinnitus on a subreddit and not too long ago I googled it and woke up the next morning listening to music and kinda amped up the volume and now I feel like I have tinnitus whenever I sit in silence I feel like I can hear a very low static sound. Is this because of my health anxiety ?,Anxiety +549,It's been a few nights when I've only slept for an hour hehe I'm so restless,Anxiety +52861,"need help with SSRI nausea I was wondering if anybody has had nausea with one SSRI but not with some other one? + +I am taking Zoloft and nausea is pretty bad, even with the one half of 50 mg tablet. I dont know if switching SSRIs would be beneficial or this side effect would remain the same? + +What is interesting is that I have taken Zoloft 15 yeras ago with absolutely no issues at at all, and now I feel like I am taking a poison. I don't understand this at all. + +Thanks!",Anxiety +218,"Unsettled !! That's when there is a test. But face it and get over it. It's been like that since the school days, the present can't be done like that. It could be",Anxiety +52288,How do you deal with the anxiety of having a crush on someone or starting a new relationship I over think and catastrophisize everything so much. I end up ruining everything. Any tips? Or any experiences you guys want to share?,Anxiety +34897,"Tiny spec of glass stuck under the skin of my finger. Will it come out on its own? I cut my self a few days squeezing a glass too hard, cleaned the wound and put a bandaid on. Now it's almost healed, but I still feel a tinge of pain when I apply pressure to a certain spot on my finger. + +Should I seek out medical attention, or will it eventually make its way out on its own?",Anxiety +576,"Are you worried about what kind of pkp? His name is pkp but he's just like normal, later on, you guys watch it later #kerajaanbebal",Anxiety +35831,"I hate the ALS anxiety I was doing really good for a few months and then I noticed a dent in my thigh (which is there because I always rest that part on an edged surface) and it sent me into a total downwards spiral. I started doing all my bad habits again. Like balance testing, strength testing and feeling my muscles for dents. It really pisses me off because I was doing so well. This really sucks and I hope I can make it through this bout of HA as well.",Anxiety +34227,"HIV worry Hi there, + +About a month ago I had unprotected sex with my ex girlfriend (we have still maintained a close friendship). She told me she had been tested for STDs since the last time she had sex, I had had blood work and urine work done since the last time I had had sex also. About a week later she told me she had missed her period and we were worried about pregnancy. She was sick for a few days, nauseous and fatigued. After a while she got better but during that time I asked if she had blood work done, to which she replied no, just urine. She thought the same negative thoughts as me (she also has health anxiety). + +When she got better she assured me that she had just been stressed, not eating right and I had nothing to worry about. She even called me to reassure me. + +Now I am studying abroad in the Middle East, and I started feeling sick last week. I had a stomach ache (normal for new bacteria in food) and then a sore throat and congestion. Instantly I thought this was the worst and that I had HIV. Again I told her I was freaking out but she reassured me that I was fine and so was she. I found out that my friend in the program has had the same symptoms as me and we guessed it was allergies. + +Now I’ve been taking antihistamines and feel better but the thought won’t leave my mind. I understand that it’s very hard to get anything through vaginal intercourse, plus I am circumcised (0.08% that she has it, 0.04% chance that I could get it from her if she was +). It’s hard to get tested in the country I’m in because that’s simply how it is. I’ve asked her to get tested but she said she’s been very busy and she told me I need to get help for my anxiety. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist because I have a history of panicking and anxiety. + +Should I be worried about this? +Thanks and sorry for long read.",Anxiety +445,"want to sleep restless, wake up restless. what do you want to die for?",Anxiety +52173,"I get super anxious when things go well Every time I get things done and everything is good and I should feel calm and maybe relax a bit, I am content for like two seconds and then I get so anxious and angry (?) it is almost unbearable. I feel like getting drunk or something just to make it stop. It’s a different feeling from the ”regular” anxiety too, it is more panicky and mixed with other unpleasant emotions. I can’t get a handle on this. Anyone else?",Anxiety +627,"Because there's no sleep, I can only sleep at 7 o'clock in the morning but I wake up at 8 o'clock... Then I can't sleep again until the afternoon just sleeps for only half an hour.... At 00.55 I suddenly feel restless, short of breath, & I want to cry.. why am I here again ' even though I'm not thinking about anything anymore",Anxiety +347,I shouldn't worry about fate. Because even a leaf God has arranged to fall when and where,Anxiety +341,"Panic, restlessness right now “ˆ",Anxiety +34588,i haven't struggle in almost a year but here i am here's the deal: i have a very real cyst. it is possibly to likely infected. it's just one of those benign ones you get on your skin. well i've had mine for four to five years. no big deal. this last week it has started to hurt and become infected. lame. it's rather large. like an inch diameter. and i cannot stop worrying i'm about to contract sepsis and die. like it is rather painful. i went to a UC and they said i was fine. i have a dermatology appointment in a week. but i'm still freaking out. i will be fine. i know i will. i just cannot chill out. i am trying so hard to take my mind off of it but it's on my lower butt cheek and basically any kind of sitting really aggravates it. idk what to do!! give me techniques to chill!! i've been really good about this until today,Anxiety +33953,"One hell of a year Hi, just discovered this subreddit and wanted to sort of share my experience with this. For the last 7 months or so I was totally convinced I had some sort of cancer. It all started when noticed a swollen lymph node on the side of my neck. The lymph node had been swollen for about 2 years and i never thought anything of it until i went to ol' Dr Google. Fast forward countless doctors appointments, a spur of the moment ER visit, CT Scans, and an eventual biopsy and it turns out I don't have any life threatening conditions. +I got so obsessed with cancer that I started going to dermatology clinics because I was convinced that some of my moles looked suspicious (of course they were fine). +I mean, I worked outside a lot without sunscreen and a permanently swollen lymph node is unusual, so I guess I was right to be somewhat concerned. However, I really blew it all out of proportion for a long time and despite all evidence pointing to being healthy, I cannot shake this sense of impending doom that I've had for the last 7 months. It's honestly making it hard to move on with my life and enjoy things. Anyone else have issues like this? How do you deal with it?",Anxiety +436,restless upset languishing,Anxiety +35516,"Fear of being sick I suffer from health anxiety, mostly related to MS and brain tumours (I had an episode of vertigo which has triggered that) and in the past I've had HA about heart related illnesses. I've seen a lot of posts worrying about those things, but I also suffer from a real fear of throwing up. I'm paranoid about food poisoning and it's ruined my enjoyment of a lot of foods. I overcook a lot of my food and throw a lot of stuff out. Right now I'm sat here worrying that the chicken I had earlier from a take out wasn't cooked properly. I feel sick, but that could just be a symptom of being anxiety. Does anyone else have HA around vomiting and food poisoning? ",Anxiety +499,I'm dancing on the edge of restlessness. Craving a lost soul,Anxiety +303,very nervous,Anxiety +34102,Lump in my throat So ive been having this lump in my throat feeling lately. Its very intense and never goes away. I also got dry mouth. Im teriffied im gonna choke and die. Please what should i do. I was getting much better and now i feel like this is all comming back. Help,Anxiety +35067,"I somatized fever. One thing I never thought I could have is a ""fake fever"". Fever is your body fighting with different harmful organisms, so it's doing good by doing bad. All fevers must be real, right? Maybe. + +I was so afraid of Dengue Fever after a mosquito bite I had that it was driving me insane. I was literally counting days and hours until the certain first symptoms. I had it once, and fever it spikes out of nowhere up to 40º degrees, for days, basically destroying you. + +So, in the past week I was just waiting for fever come. It was an evening, and I started to feel my legs, arms and face really hot and weak. Panic attacks followed and I was constantly taking my temperature. It went from 36,4º, 37,3º, 37,5º but never above. I kept having this for 5 days in a row, until it finally stopped after going to the ER. If I payed attention to something else, it'd cease for a while. The conclusion is: you can somatize everything, including fever.",Anxiety +675,"Pls want to sleep from being restless, why are you",Anxiety +35089,"Hypochondria buddies? -This is a repost.- + +I’ve either become more aware of my hypochondria or I’ve just gotten more anxious about my health, which isn’t great either way. +However, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this sort of thing, so it’d really be nice to have someone to share my worries with and vice versa. Mind you, my last post was a fail because I got ghosted, so if you’re prone to ghosting please don’t message me. +On that note, message me or comment if you’re actually interested!",Anxiety +260,"a few days ago restless, today menses. I've just read that restlessness is a symptom of PMS. so who gave this anxiety, thesis or pms?",Anxiety +34103,"I am avoidant I have been having muscle spasms and back pain for a little under a year. I have massive anxiety about doctors and phone calls and the health care in my region is not very good. I have been putting off going to the doc for a while and I have developed a rib hump on one side and rib torsion on the other. I have scoliosis; I know I do. But going to the doctor and having them tell me I need surgery, or won't get better scares me too much to handle. + +I don't really know why I am posting this. I guess it is nice to get off my chest. Some days it makes me very sad. The fact that I am a hypochondriac makes it scarier that something really is wrong with me. I'm always in pain by the end of the day. I wish I was healthy more than anything. I wish I could carry things and wear push up bras and sleep in car seats comfortably. But I can't. ",Anxiety +584,"First of all, I'm really sorry that this account doesn't work as expected. I don't know why I'm sad now, I'm nervous, I don't want to give up, I often panic... I know time is running, I really try so hard but I'm sorry again"" cin failed... Sorry everyone, I can't tell you positive things :)",Anxiety +35072,"Really worried about a headache.. So I have a headache for the past 3 days.. it hurts when I bend over, cough, poop, etc. I looked it up and it says ""cough headache"" i'm just really worried. The pain is in like the middle of my head and really hurts. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +52378,"Advice? tw: self-harm, bad thoughts? I'm not really sure what else, sorry + +So uh, I've been feeling down and really anxious for thr past few weeks. It's probably silly, but I cut myself a while ago snd I hadn't done that for a while so I think it's really getting a low point. And it's probably just because of my poor emotional regulation stuff, but I kinda need to get this out because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. + +To start with, my academic workload's increased these past few weeks. I'm doing a research paper with a group, but it's just stressing me out. I'm um overthinking about how it would fail? Or if I'm not a good leader and I'm affecting my classmates' grades because of it. It's just, well, the thought of it is always there, and I can't really get rid of it because it's not yet done. + +Then there's this family tree project that we have, and I'm using my mom's family with it— I'm not really close with my dad's side of the family, so I can't exactly switch to his family. Uh the problem is, my mom has problems with her family, and I don't want to bring it up so I keep putting it off. I don't want to make her upset, and the thought of doing so is just making me anxious. + +There's also the little things. Exams, quizzes, presentations, etc. I failed a quiz for the first time in a few years and my teacher got upset about it so I'm kinda panicking and trying to review more haha + +Then well my birthday's coming up. We had this whole catering thing going on, but there's been problems with the payment and stuff. Mom made a mistake because she was outside when the manager asked for the payment, and she got really stressed because she couldn't get her money back. The manager hasn't exactly been cooperative, and they've been insistent on the payment, so yeah. Mom got angry and kinda blamed me cause I was the one who liked the idea of the catering thing. I promised her that I would take care of it since it was mostly my fault since she didn't like it but I pushed, so I've been in contact with the manager and everything but the situation's still messy. It's just more stress? More anxiety. Hooray, I guess. + +We're still not done with the preparations and stuff and I really want to help but I've been busy with school, and when I get home there's no time to go outside and get what's needed. It's stressing Mom out, and I think that's part of the reason why she got angry, so I wanted to get this done. But I can't, and I have to wait for the weekends to actually be able to do stuff. + +There's also the scholarship tests, although I've already taken them. It's just making me nervous, because if I didn't pass then it would be difficult to go to college becaude my family isn't really financially stable. It's just pressuring me? I think? I'm having trouble identifying how I feel without wanting to break down lol + +It's also hard to fall asleep. I feel like the only rest I get is the minutes before I fall asleep, so I try to prolong it as long as possible. I think I'm afraid of waking up tomorrow because it just means that nothing's resolved yet and I just. Yeah. + +Uh, that's it I guess. Sorry if this is all negative. If you have some advice (especially about the sleeping thing), it's all welcome! Thanks.",Anxiety +35342,"Not me but my wife - lower back pain Apparently for like the past 10+ years she thought it was normal so never bought it up to a dr, and now we have no insurance so I'm secretly panicking. She has really sharp pain if you press on her lower back in an area around the spine and it kinda moves in a y up to about mid back. + +Anybody have any idea what this may be before I jump down a dark rabbit hole online? Again she said its been present for a long time so really hoping that means it's not something horrible but I have no idea.",Anxiety +35287,Why do people assume Im pretty sure I have cancer. Im not anxious about it. Ive already accepted it. So why should I post here if I'm curious if anyone else knew they had cancer before they got diagnosed?,Anxiety +241,"I'm confused when I've finished something, what's next? I feel like everything is already there, but what's missing? The default is restless",Anxiety +35858,"Overcoming personal anxiety by helping others Long time HA sufferer and poster. I am fortunate enough to say I have managed my HA enough to a point where it’s not consistently affecting my life. Just want to share a few pearls. + +Our health anxiety is very self centered. We obsess over health , our bodies, etc. the key to recovery is to stop focusing on ourselves. More on this later. + +Everybody on here is a bit different. I personally feel a sense of relief with medical testing , doctor visits etc; but some are fearful of those things. For that reason this post may not apply to you. + +A lot of us are in the medical field. I myself am a dentist and have had the irony of dealing with hypochondriacs in my office who are worried about oral cancer. + +Examining a fearful patient the other day , and reassuring him that he does not have oral cancer, gave me an epiphany of sorts, which led me to the following. + +Today I joined the national bone marrow donation match website. It’s a wonderful opportunity to help out people that are going through what we all in this sub fear the most- terminal cancer. + +Think about it, you can save a life!Minimal procedure. A needle in your hip. Some painkillers and you are on your way. + +Not only that but there’s such a barrage of testing beforehand that you can all but be guaranteed that you don’t have any sort of underlying illness. (They only take 18-44 year old healthy donors for the most part ) all of the testing is free and meals and rides are covered. + +I don’t know if I’ll ever get called but the whole thing puts my personal health anxieties in perspective. To save a child’s life from leukemia, for example, would forever change your life. + +I’m not saying you need to do this. But take the focus away from yourself. Whether it’s through charity, or through work, school, gym; I promise you will stop obsessing over your headache, leg twitch, or your heart flutter. I still have bad days but overall I can say I’ve improved a great deal from this philosophy.",Anxiety +52467,can I talk to anyone 😭😭😭😭,Anxiety +51920,Away from home I’m away from home on a college tour for this weekend and I’m really anxious. I’m super fatigued and my stomach kinda hurts (I have emetophobia) and it’s freaking me out. I recently had covid so I’m worried it’s making a comeback. Could really use someone to talk to rn,Anxiety +35309,"Can looking at screens too much permanently damage your eyesight? I know this seems ironic since I'm looking at a screen while typing this, but I've been concerned for a while that staring at my computer and phone screen too much could be permanently damaging my eyesight. I don't notice any changes as far as being able to read words from far away or my vision being blurry, but I do notice that I now see auras and halos around lights, such as headlights, when I'm driving, and I'm not sure if that's normal. Is there any evidence that looking at screens too much can permanently damage your eyesight?",Anxiety +34339,"Fear of Brain Damage My health anxiety has completely debilitated me for the past four months due to worry that I damaged my brain from drinking for years. I constantly test my memory and feel it is declining rapidly. I have trouble picturing things from seconds ago in my mind, all my memories no matter how distant or recent feel insanely foggy, time is flying by as I feel I’m not forming new memories, and I often can’t remember if I did something today or the day before even if it was just a few hours ago. Scarier symptoms involve me feeling confused and unfamiliar with my own family, house, dog, etc. and feeling like I have to remind myself where I am or where I’m going. I have brief moments of confusion where I have to piece everything together and constant memories that have nothing to do with what I’m doing (which lead me to a fear of seizures that I ended up being tested for) that have happened for he past few years when I was super anxious. + +I have had an MRI, CT, PET, 3 day eeg, and neuropsych testing and everything came back good but I can’t believe my symptoms are just anxiety and derealization since it feels it’s progressively getting worse over the past few months (which I barely have any memories of). I honestly feel I have severe short term memory loss and have posited thy maybe I was having seizures and brain damage from alcohol but the neurologist, psychiatrist, GP, neuropsych and therapists all don’t think so. + +I have in the past believed I had HIV, liver failure, mouth cancer, throat cancer, and other ailments and of course they all ended up being false but this one feels so much more real. Has anyone else ever had extreme memory issues just because of anxiety?",Anxiety +34072,"Arm aches/ symptoms on one side of body Hey guys. I posted here before in mid December about having numbness and weakness on the right side of my body. I went home after finals week and my stress level dramatically decreased as I realized how well I did in my classes and I was able to decompress while at home. I went on a ski trip with my family in the middle of the break, right after Christmas, and I felt no symptoms at any time during that trip. I felt fantastic. As I came home and started to prepare to go back to school, I started feeling anxious that I would fall down into the same anxiety rabbit hole again in the second semester, and gradually the weakness and numbness started to come back. Now that I’ve been back at school for 8 days and the anxiety has persisted (albeit less severe) I’m still feeling tightness in the right side of my neck and in my right leg, as well as weakness and numbness in my right limbs. The symptom that is scaring me though is that my right arm feels dead, and I have aches in my shoulder and upper arm that really change in severity depending on the time and on what my arm is doing or where it is. + +I just feel so stupid about this. It’s following the same trends as it did last semester and that all went away when I stopped stressing. Now I’m stressing again, but for some reason my mind doesn’t want to attribute this to the stress and I keep worrying that it’s a horrible disease coming to claim my life. Anyone have any input on a situation like this?",Anxiety +52724,"Nervous about asking/going to therapy. I have been having a horrible last few weeks and I was starting to consider therapy. my issue is that I think i dont need it or im not messed up enough to have it. deep down i know it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it can be really beneficial. but i just go through periods where i am fine and chill and then i get triggered and I go into a awful anxiety/depression for about a week or two where i cant eat, sleep, focus. and then i’m back to feeling normal. this one i’m in right now was especially bad where i ended up loosing 5 pounds in 2 weeks. i haven’t been able to socialize like normal and i’m getting scared i’m gonna loose my friends since i have barely been talking or even acknowledging them bc i am so trapped in my head. + +idk one part of me is saying how it would be easier to just not get help and i can get myself out if it since i’ve done it before but another part is telling me to go to therapy. i’m only 15 so this is all new and freaking me out. everything just feel so different and weird and scary. sometimes i wish i could just go back a few years. it’s crazy how bad it got jsut over the course of a few months. i feel like it’s my fault. + +sorry for the long post. any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated! hope everyone has a good rest of their day!",Anxiety +34837,"Anyone else always seem to see news articles on what your scared of? I have only been up an hour and so far on Facebook I have seen two news articles on brain cancer. One titled “girl diagnosed with terminal brain cancel after routine eye exam” which is absolutely my worst fear so now I’m convinced it will happen to me. A lot of my anxiety is centred around brain tumours especially around symptoms with my eyes. + +And then a few weeks ago I also kept get recommended on my YouTube “girl plays guitar during brain surgery” then a week later the same thing but with a guy. How do you not see this as “signs” that you have that too? One article has literally ruined my whole day now.",Anxiety +51889,"Coffee and antipsychotics Greetings people I hope you're having a good day. First of all how are your experiences with coffee and antipsychotic meds? I've been on Abilify and Alprazolam for years never had been feeling alert on them always either sleepy or have weird feeling in my stomach. Now I've tried everything with these meds be it smoking or alcohol I stopped all of it because it caused very nasty problems with me when I stopped I finally felt myself even through I've read on Wikipedia that coffee can also cause problems when you take these meds it's says even small amounts can cause side effects that's called caffeine induced anxiety. + +I'm not really sure how am I supposed to be awake I mean I'm unemployed still in hands of my parents and other family members who take care of me and understand my problems but how did you manage to stay awake without coffee or did coffee really help you without feeling weird all time while on meds? It would be stupid for me to sleep all day and miss some important events or have fun chatting with friends or playing video games or better yet studying different topics like electrical engineering or making homemade circuits. Not electrical engineer just doing something for hobby.",Anxiety +35281,"Stiff neck and head aches, worried this could be be bacterial meningitis after ear infection? About 6 days ago I started getting strange head aches. I felt a sudden, short sharp pain on the left side of my head which was followed by extreme warmth and a panic attack. Since then I've had sharp head pain come randomly for a couple seconds, then go. It's usually on the left middle side of my head, but sometimes happens on the right. I've also been having bouts of pain in the back of the head as well. I haven't needed to take medicine for this as the pain comes randomly and isn't painful enough to need relief. + +&#x200B; + + From the first day this happened I also had stiff shoulders and neck. I assumed this was because of anxiety/ that the headaches were from stress/ muscle strain. Today the neck pain got so bad I needed advil. It feels very stiff and over the course of the last hour it's gotten significantly worse. The advil hasn't kicked in yet even though i took it 30 mins ago. I'm really worried this could be bacterial meningitis? I got an ear infection a couple days before the initial headaches. I was prescribed antibiotics for it, but did not take them because the infection got better after a couple more days. Any advice is greatly appreciated.",Anxiety +35856,"Neck lump/pain Looking for some reassurance or advice if anyone else has experienced this. Two days ago I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck under my jaw. It’s painful when I turn my head to the left and when I swallow. I’m thinking it’s a swollen lymph node but I don’t have any other symptoms of an infection (cold, flu, etc) besides very mild left ear pain (like maybe the beginning of an ear infection?). I’m sure it’s nothing but it is causing some serious anxiety, it’s all I can think about. My thoughts are immediately jumping to lymphatic cancer or a malignant tumor. I’m planning to make a doctors appointment if I’m still feeling weird tomorrow. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?",Anxiety +51878,"Just got done with my first psychiatric evaluation I was prescribed Zoloft 25mgs and a blood pressure medication to take when I’m in a panic. I’m nervous but honestly relieved to be put on something. I’ve been struggling so bad and I’m so tired. I was diagnosed with GAD, social anxiety, and depression. I’m finally putting myself and my mental health first and working to make myself better.",Anxiety +52590,"Can't think of a suitable name for this post + +I have been blessed with the ability to freak myself right the F\*$& out whenever i think about a host of different topics... anxiety. Now most of these topics ive been able to find categories for, and address in that way, by learning about those things, bettering my understanding of them, and really evaluating exactly what it is that im afraid of. For example, i am a hypochondriac, i have lived with health anxiety for as long as i can remember, but its very easy to find out what health anxiety is, you can easily find other peoples experiences, common coping mechanisms, potential causes for this anxiety, etc. This is the case with almost anything i find myself consistently anxious about. + +Now, + +One of the darkest corners in my mind that i try to stay out of as much as possible, is one that i cant get a lot of information on, and because of this, i don't know how to move forward in addressing this. + +This anxiety / fear is triggered by thoughts of existence, reality, the thought of consciousness... trying to wrap my mind around what it is that I'm experiencing just by being alive in the first place. A good example thought of this would be this: + +Whether you are reading this on a computer or phone or tablet... stop and take a second to think about what is between your eyes reading this, and the screen Infront of you, now i don't mean the air, pollen, dust, particles etc. that occupies that space, but the f#$%ing space itself. How? why is that there? what is that occupying? how did it get there? + +I experience symptoms of derealization / depersonalization disorder that I've observed are closely related to my thoughts like this, Hell I believed when I was 17 until 20 I was falling into psychosis due to my relentless obsessing over the unanswerable. Its not even one specific mind-F#$\* that does this to me, it's the combination of all of them that represent what we call ""reality"" or ""existence"" that i cant tune out, and the more i try to research these things in my life, the more questions that are left unanswered. i can barely hold conversations with people because of how often i just go blank, returning to being consumed with mulling these things over, IN THE MIDDLE OF CONVERSATIONS. + +I feel like most people are able to just curb these thoughts as ""unimportant"" or just set them aside because there's no way to answer things like that at the moment. Boy do i wish i could do just that. Thoughts like this are 25/8 on my mind, I mean I DREAM about inexplicable things that could never be answered, and i wake up, open my eyes and wonder what is this plane of existence that I'm experiencing? how do i retain my persona, my memories, my trains of thought, all of my experiences after so many years? How do i face any interaction, any experience, any leaf that lands Infront of me on a walk without my mind jumping to the probability of these things happening? And then wondering how I'm even able to question that in the first place? + +This has not been a mid-life crisis, rather it has been a whole-life drain. I have never been afraid of the 18 wheeler next to me on the freeway, yet i have always been afraid of the inevitable heat death of the universe. Why am I like this?",Anxiety +52386,"Having panic attacks in one specific class? I’ve suffered from anxiety since middle school, and I’ve definitely always had the hardest time with it in classroom settings. I’m in college now, and I’ve never really noticed my anxiety in any of my classes until now. I have one class that, because attendance is required and I have to make a bit of a scene to exit, has suddenly started making me extremely anxious. + +I find that I suddenly can’t breathe and feel like I’m about to pass out, even when I’m sitting down. It got so bad yesterday that I had to leave, and I skipped class this morning too. After having a full-blown panic attack in that class last night, I now have intense anxiety about returning. Skipping isn’t an option anymore, but I’m so afraid of having another panic attack in there. Any advice is much appreciated, thank you so much!",Anxiety +81,This is why my heart is beating so fast. Very restless. But I don't know what I'm worried about. It's a great feeling.....,Anxiety +51885,"C19 I was just wondering if anyone is paranoid about C19? + +I am still masking up, trying to keep my distance and washing and anti-baccing my hands like its going out of fashion.",Anxiety +34412,"Difference between real symptoms and psychosomatic made symptoms? I ask this because I have been going through something extremely odd in the last year. All my medical tests suggest I am perfectly healthy but the symptoms I have been facing with are unlike anything I have experienced before. I am not just talking about your typical anxiety attack and heart palpitations but a constant state of bizarre sensations. My symptoms are: + +* severe insomnia +* Constant irritability +* Confusion and brain fog (what I perceive as working memory issues) +* muscle spasms/jerks +* vision, hearing, and skin hypersensitivity + +I am not looking for a diagnosis just understanding the line between a medical condition and something that is just anxiety. + +",Anxiety +34424,"Can't gain weight? Okay so I'm gonna preface this by saying that I used to weigh almost 200 pounds. In the past year I've lost 50ish pounds, and I'm at a healthy weight for my height. I did restrictive diets to lose weight, but at this point I'm working out so if I gain weight I don't really care because I know I won't gain weight in my stomach. + +There's just one problem. In September, I had my gallbladder removed. I'm not supposed to be eating oily food, but I'm a teen so of course I'm going to. The first month after my surgery, I ate like a pig and I didn't exercise. I lost 10 pounds. I have bulimia, but I'm in recovery and I don't purge often at all (like only 1-2 times a month when I relapse). At this point, I literally can't stop eating. I'll be full as hell but I still can't stop. I've recorded it, and I've been eating about 3500-4000 calories a day for the past few weeks (according to my Fitbit, I only burn about 2200). I haven't gained a pound. All I've done is lost (1-2 pounds a week). I should also mention that I have super low blood pressure (the doctors don't know why; I eat salty stuff all the time). Every time I stand up, I get lightheaded and spotty vision and I have to lean against something. I don't know what to do. Any medical professional that I talk to about this says that I'm ""just a teen with a high metabolism."" But I've had to lose weight in the past so I don't understand.",Anxiety +52246,Going through a rough patch and also having to start working soon. Possibly going to use benzos temporarily Difficult combination of things that make me very overwhelmed. Been hyper stimulated the past month where I just feel pretty terrible but it’s starting to get better as of the past couple days. I’m debating on taking partial amounts of clonozopam (idk how to spell it) it’s a benzo and typically I wouldn’t do it but having to start work and feeling overwhelmed I don’t see another option. Any suggestions on how I should go about. I just wanted it to be a temporary thing to get me going. Or use in moments of very high discomfort while working.,Anxiety +54,"This is the first time I've had an anxiety disorder in my sleep, and it wasn't really good. Even though I'm not thinking about anything, but I'm restless",Anxiety +34520,"Anxiety over oral cancer A little over a week ago I noticed that I was having some pain in my mouth when eating so I looked to see that I have what looks like a bit of red bump/lump in the upper back corner. I've been brushing and rinsing it out with mouth wash for almost a week and while it feels like it's gotten somewhat better it still hasn't gone away and still have this kinda heavy like feeling on the side of my mouth. + +I'm starting to now have anxiety it could be something more serious like oral cancer. I do brush and rinse regularly and smoked smoked socially, but quit earlier this year. I'm only in my early twenties so the chance of it being something serious isn't likely, but it's still freaking me out. I would go to a dentist, but I am at college in a really small town and there isn't one here as far as I know and I don't know if a regular doctor would be able to do much. Has anyone else ever had anything like this?",Anxiety +138,but my heart is still restless even though my mouth is talking,Anxiety +35282,Anyone get so anxious they feel like they might have a stroke Jesus sometimes i get so anxious that i feel as though something's just gonna tick in my brain and ill be a vegetable forever,Anxiety +35076,"Does anyone have anxiety from STDs? Hi all, I get severe health anxiety when it comes to std’s specifically herpes/hiv. Does anyone else feel this way? If so, please share your story below I’d really like to hear what everyone else has to say. ",Anxiety +34725,"Convincing yourself you’re ok? How do some of y’all convince yourself that you’re not dying? Sometimes I will be doing anything normal like washing my hands or driving, and I just think to myself “I don’t feel right.” I constantly freak myself out to the point I just shut down and can’t continue on with my day. This all just started abruptly two months ago so I’m really new to all this and I feel like I’m spiraling. I try my best to believe my doctor, especially the one I have now because I’ve convinced myself that my first 3 doctors were lying and it’s not just my anxiety. I’m just so tired of feeling like this and I need some better coping mechanisms. Thanks for any replies and help. ",Anxiety +34968,"Hit my head about 2 months ago, have vertigo and memory issues Hi guys. I hit the side of my head very hard on the corner of a table in late November. I didn’t lose consciousness and there was no blood. I also didn’t have vomiting or nausea. That said, lately I’ve been having vertigo (feeling like the floor is moving out from under me) and i feel extremely out of it, like I’m living in a movie, along with shortness of breath. Everything is made WAY WORSE by caffeine. Also sometimes i will have a headache or dull pain in the area that i hit my head but it’s about once a week so not often. I have been to two doctors who have examined me and said I’m fine but I’ve had no CT scan or MRI. I am so scared i have a hematoma or something!! But it’s also been two months and in that time i have had a LOT of alcohol, been on a vacation, and been on rollercoasters and I’ve been ok minus the vertigo and brain fog. How worried should i be?? Please help me! ",Anxiety +52240,"AI, and the devaluation of humanity I’ve been thinking a lot about AI recently. The explosion of Chat-GPT, Midjourney, DALLE-2….someone with zero writing or art skills can spend 3 seconds coming up with a prompt and generate something incredible. Something a human would spend hours or even days coming up with. And it’s accelerating faster than we could have imagined. AI voice spoofing, AI generated images of celebrities and politicians, plagiarized college essays…these things were unimaginable 6 months ago. + +All this gives me anxiety and not just because I’m a writer as my profession. It’s devaluing human talent and creativity - everyone can now do it, therefore it means nothing. Over-saturation renders everything meaningless. And the irony is that humans made this tech that is now outshining all of us…and will ultimately do everything better than we can. + +This is a pivotal time in humanity and I am not ready for it and I don’t think anyone is really ready for it. Everything from the way we work to the way we consume media will be completely upended by AI. + +I just want to rewind 20 years and live peacefully. I don’t want all this change. And it’s filling me with anxiety, hopelessness and dread.",Anxiety +52856,"I’ve been trying to get help for months it’s so frustrating Our healthcare system is so over burdened. The psychiatrist in town has an almost 9 month wait list (but I finally got in). The community/parent support worker I was connected to cancelled our sessions because their department ran out of funding; the program was cut. I’m waiting until they announce the new budget in April and get more funding. Then I’ll get a worker back + +I’m giving every ounce of effort I have to get the supports I need and use them so that I can learn to function on my own. + +I have a 4 year old and I hate how im raising him. I feel like an asshole trying to explain to my dr that even though my house is full of food I struggle to feed him properly because I have no appetite I don’t cook for myself and I don’t know what to feed him. I look at all the food in my cupboard and I can’t make a decision on what to make. But then my son tells me he’s hungry right now so I just microwave a pizza pocket or corn dog for him. +I’m just so tired. I’m failing at everything. I’ve reached out for support and the people in the roles want to help me bc they see me trying. My psychiatrist even has seen me on his days off. It’s just the system as a whole that is underfunded and broken",Anxiety +52646,"Anxious habit help Hi everyone, + +I have always struggled with an anxious habit of chewing on the ends of my hair. It’s really damaging to it and it’s preventing it from growing. I never do it intentionally, it’s always something I find myself doing when I’m trying to focus on something that’s making my anxiety spike up. Does anyone else experience this?? I need all the tips I can get. I try to tie my hair up but I’m one of those people who can’t have their hair in a ponytail for long periods of time just because it’s uncomfortable.",Anxiety +35283,"Worried about colon cancer Around Christmas time I started having upper abdominal pain, it lasted a few weeks and eventually turned into loose stools every morning. The abdominal pain got better but the loose stools kept up until about the first week of February. I think it lasted about 5 weeks total. I haven’t had any since then except for one last Saturday morning, and a bit of constipation last week. This all started after a couple of really bad weeks of eating and sleeping. A lot of overtime work and I ate a lot of garbage food like pizza and chocolate. + +I now feel kinda gassy sometimes but I think the rest is closer to normal now.... Also.. about 4 weeks ago I went to the washroom and saw a couple of bright spots of red on the toilet paper that went away after a few wipes. I have gone to my family doctor and I did an ultrasound and all was fine. Despite that I’m convinced I might have colon cancer after reading online and despite my family history of colon issues my doctor doesn’t want to do a colonoscopy. + +I dunno what to do.... ",Anxiety +52749,Why do I cry so easily ? Is it normal? I’ve (F 25) been through childhood trauma and am soon to have my first therapy session. I wondered if crying at emotive videos is normal? I cry everyday at something I watch. I’m not sure if I purposely find something emotional to watch subconsciously or if my feed just gives me more of the same. Is this weird?,Anxiety +681,"restless heart, sleep is difficult.",Anxiety +52692,"Feeling alone around others Some family are over at my house right now. +I enjoyed the company for a while. I came into my room to clean up a little bit, and just laid down to rest and then go to sleep. +I took a deep breath and a thought came to my mind. I’m in my room and I can hear everyone laughing and joking and just having the time of their lives. It’s so hard because I just want to be in my room watching my show and not having to talk or interact. It makes me feel like such an outsider. I don’t know if I’m making sense. I just feel like I was hit with a sudden realization that anxiety is always there no matter how much I work toward healing.",Anxiety +250,"Feeling anxious like this, every time you want to work, you have to feel anxious and not calm",Anxiety +34859,"Cystic pimple between eyebrows For about a few weeks now, I've had an enormous pimple between my brows. It's roughly the size of a dime and it's really inflammed. No matter what acne treatment I apply on it it just keeps getting bigger. I have this huge anxiety it will just spread to my brain or something and kill me. I'm really in need of some help right now I haven't slept in days due to feeling like I'll die in my sleep over all this.",Anxiety +52160,"Sertraline side effects - please help me feel better I am on day 6 of taking sertraline for panic attacks, I know a lot of people have a rough time on it. the first 4 days were rough with nausea, anxiety and head fog. Today I am panicking and giving myself anxiety because of a weird sensation in my head. It’s almost like my brain is vibrating and I keep getting weird twitches every now and again which is really scaring me because I also have health anxiety and now I’m worried the sertraline has done something bad. Has anyone else experienced this as a side effect?",Anxiety +35554,"13 trips to the hospital from 2018-present (went to the ER last night). Near trips to the hospital: Almost daily. Hey guys, + +I am really suffering in a way that makes life absolute torture. I have health problems, however they're compounded *significantly* by my constant fears of death and cardiovascular/heart-related health anxiety. + +Does anyone here ever feel like suicide is rational when your life has been distilled to daily panic attacks of the worst kind and constant thinking/fears of sudden death or further disability (i.e. strokes, fatal arrythmias, heart failure, etc.) + +I don't want to die, I fear the unknown so intensely, however I feel that I deserve dignity and mercy for my situation. I feel like I should have the right to end my own life because of the amount of suffering I experience on a daily basis. I want to have the option to terminate my consciousness peacefully and legally under the supervision of empathetic doctors and nurses. + +",Anxiety +34817,"Beginning a week of no “Googling” today! Anyone want to join? Title pretty much sums it up. + +After reading some inspirational posts on here from people who conquered their battles with HA, I noticed one of the biggest things they said helped was to stop googling symptoms. So, I’m starting small. One week of no googling. + +I’ve already had the urge about 5 times since I woke up 3 hours ago, lol, but I’m fighting through it. I will be updating this post everyday to say whether I succeeded or not for that given day to keep myself honest. + +I would absolutely LOVE if people on this sub would join me in this “challenge”. If you feel comfortable joining and commenting below that you are doing so, that would be amazing! I think having a sense of community and camaraderie is extremely important. + +I hope this post isn’t breaking any rules! If so, I apologize and will edit accordingly.",Anxiety +536,Through the day has not calmed without saying good morning. Through the night continues to be restless without saying goodnight..,Anxiety +52528,"I hate this So I was eating a bit of these cinnamon honey coated almonds and this one I ate tasted horrible, kinda had this strong after taste after you had some strong alcoholic drink. I realized too late and swallowed it. I of course searched it just to make sure it wasn't just me and now im scared, bitter almonds slow down ur nerves, breathing is slow, and causes death. I'm freaking out, it was just one but still. Any help?!",Anxiety +34373,"Woke up with really bad cramps this morning. It’s been an hour and they’re still here and I’m getting a little nervous. I need reassurance. I know this is little info, but it hurts so bad. I’m scared. Maybe I just need to go to the bathroom.",Anxiety +35058,"I have yet another disease.. This time I have weakness in my left arm and hand. Not severe I can still move it and grab things, but it's noticeable. My left arm has just been feeling ""weird"" for the past week. I feel a tiny bit of weakness in my right forearm too. My mind keeps racing towards ALS and I don't know how to calm down.",Anxiety +34253,Scared to death of some wierd symptoms. Greetings. I have extreme health anxeity. For some time i have had troubles with floaters that looked like spiderweb. Recently these past weeks i have also noticed stars in my eyes. They seem to appear randomly and they also move with my eyes similar to floaters. They appear for some seconds then they disapear. I wen't to the eye doctor and he told me that i had PVD or occular migraine. He also told me that my right pupil was smaller then the left one so he called some neurologist and he did some tests but there was nothing wrong with them. But right now im starting to belive that he was wrong and that i have some super rare eye disease or maybe a brain tumor. Should i go back to the doctor or should i take his word that it is nothing serious?,Anxiety +34042,"I’m a gay male hypochondriac so anxious about getting HIV. It’s affecting my life and relationships. Why do I feel like this? I have always had some form of hypochondria and more recently it has overrun my life and relationships. +I am deeply anxious all the time. I’m not intimate because of fear even though I’m in a monogamous relationship and I’m very conscious of my surroundings. For example , if I’m walking and someone coughs near me I have to look the other way or turn around directions. If someone sneezes same thing. I have to get as far away from them. Also if I go out to eat , i have to see food being prepared like sushi or salads in front of me , if I notice something off like worker using no gloves or touched something differently I buy the salad and struggle to eat it after inspecting it for blood or bodily fluid many times. + +I feel like my body is contaminated or some disease is brewing inside me all the time even though my latest blood work last August was all negative. I’m a habitual hand washer and sanitizer and I use alcohol to sanitize my razors toothbrushes before every use. + +I know HIV is very hard to get but over the past couple years i have been tested over 100 times including majority over the counter HIV test for $40 each. This is crippling me and I want to resolve this fear. ",Anxiety +51927,"People often say “Really?” when I tell them I have anxiety, and I have mixed emotions about it. On the one hand, it’s comforting to know that all of my worries about coming across as nervous or awkward are so out of proportion that people don’t even know I have anxiety. + +On the other hand, it feels sort of invalidating to my struggle, if that makes sense. This thing often consumes my life, and it’s frustrating that no one knows how hard I’m trying. They just think this is easy for me, that I can effortlessly raise my hand and speak in class like other people do. That’s not to say that I feel negatively toward the people who say this, more that it’s just generally frustrating that people have no idea. + +Have y’all thought about this too? Do you look at it a different way?",Anxiety +33927,"Heart health anxiety Hi all, stumbled across this sub doing, what else, some late night symptom googling, and I couldn't be more glad to see it. I've had generalized anxiety for years, but recently it's started to manifest more as health anxiety, triggered when my cat died of sudden onset congestive heart failure a few months ago. + +I've had chest pain in the upper left side for almost a week now, and I can't seem to convince myself that I'm not dying. I've had two normal EKGs, normal bloodwork except for an elevated d dimer level, and a normal x-ray and CT. After all that, I'm still not able to stop my anxiety that the twinge in my arm is a heart attack, or the burning sensation in my back is an aortic dissection. Any suggestions for calming the anxiety beast? ",Anxiety +52852,"What tf us happening to me Every single day I feel the life inside of me just fall down as if it were sand, every day I feel like I can't breathe, I just sit and look around because even though no one sees it, I feel like my lings are vomiting inside me. + +Every single day I want to kill myself while at the same time having a panic attack because I don't want to die. + +And then I just sit there, not bothering anyone, because no one can look at me and tell me my intestines are silently spinning, no one can look at me and see my heart beating way too fast and know I'm not breathing. + +And certainly no one knows that every fucking day while I try to live my life I see myself in a grave not feeling any physical sensation at all, its almost as if I can see the future, almost as if old me is sitting in bed slowly rotting away, dead and no one has checked up on me for several hours + +Why tf am I like this, I'm 14, I'm supposed to enjoy life but insead I hate this shit, and I hate living with this terrible anxiety about nothing and everything at the same time, not living because I don't wanna die, which makes me want to kill myself + +The worst part is I'm not even diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it, and so no one will ever know, because I don't know people well enough to tell them this. I guess I don't mind sharing with strangers online tho + +Hope you have a nice day, and I hope your anxiety gets better because I wish no ine had to suffer like this",Anxiety +52349,"Why must I find something wrong in my relationship. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and I’ve finally pin pointed a reason as to why I’ve been unhappy with her as of late. I don’t believe the things she says, when I ask her if anything is wrong, I dread hearing no. Nothing is going on between us, yet for a while now, I have the uneasy sense that she’s lying to me. She’s always been super honest with me, always telling me exactly what she wants, we communicate very well. Yet, when it comes to stuff as mundane as “are you okay?” It feels as though she’s telling a lie. Can anyone else relate to this? What is wrong with me?",Anxiety +52672,"Toxic Squash Syndrome Ok so for dinner I had a vegan meal from the restaurant down the street. It had teriyaki “chicken”, brown rice, broccoli and pumpkin. About ten minutes in I started getting indigestion and about an hour later I began throwing up with slight abdominal discomfort. It’s been about seven hours since I ate and the puking has finally subsided. How worried should I be? I’m currently dog sitting and away from my partner and just giving myself anxiety thinking the way I’m going to die is from a god damn pumpkin (I’ve been drinking water but still don’t feel like eating)",Anxiety +33959,"Nervous about Hantavirus I cleaned out a large shed with two other guys. There was mouse poop in a ton of places and we had little to no ventilation in there because of the cold temperatures (trying to keep the heat inside.) + +We were sweeping and moving things so the turds were definitely aerosoled. It's been 3 days and I'm nervous about hanta. I've already read about it before and had anxiety about it when cleaning mouse poop out of my truck. My only reassurance is that there has never been a case of hanta in my state. I live in the northeast....do you think I'll be okay?",Anxiety +52448,"are those anxiety attacks? throwaway acc. a little bit about myself i’m a 23 F, bi in a very religious country, i have 9-5 job, shit family but i’m really used to it. + +after several suicidal attempts my last one was 9 months ago, not gonna go into details of how i did it but i had a very bad inflammation and stomach ache! did go to the hospital for “being sick for no reason”, docs told me that my test all came back fine and i should just rest (not really sure how but i was glad). + +in the next days i had the worst chest pain i’ve ever experienced and i definitely thought i was gonna have a heart attack and die, one day it got really bad and my heart raced like crazy and i was shaking but no one was around and after a couple of minutes i was ok. i guess it was a panic attack (never had one before) so i brushed it off like nothing happened. + + +in the next months i have been having these weird chest pain i thought i had a problem with my heart, but as days went by i noticed that the pain gets so much worst when i think about certain things. i’ve done so much to get rid of the pain yet it seems like it only gets worst. + +i was watching a video on youtube the other day about a medical case and when they started to describe the symptoms that the patient had I HAD THE WORST CHEST PAIN SO FAR!! my heart was racing and my chest tightened i couldn’t breathe! + +googled it and got an “anxiety test”, idk what to do. it really fucked me up i thought i was crazy. + +p.s: every time i get the chest pain i would google my symptoms and only get “HEART ATTACK” and “IMMEDIATELY CALL 911”, it makes the pain way worst…. + +i need tips on how to control my anxiety please!",Anxiety +35035,"I don't know what to do Ever since I got a ""stomach bug"" in september, I've had SIGNIFICANT problems with not just my stomach but everywhere. It started where I felt no appetite and gagged at the thought of food, along with a really bad taste in my mouth/rough feeling all throughout my mouth. That's where the problems began. After the days that followed I had HORRIBLE stomach problems, nausea and diarrhea. That lasted a few days before kind of subsiding. After it let I had a sitting feeling in my body that something is very wrong. I had weird cold symptoms and a ""sick"" feeling that I was an still am unable to describe. That lasted another week so I thought okay, it all must be over now surely right? +This is where the real problems began. The stomach problems came back in full force after a long period of having a gurgling feeling in my stomach and intestines. This is about a couple weeks after the first stomach bug so I imagine fairs fair people can have stomach bugs that come back for another round. That left and I was left with a near constant rumbling feeling in my intestines so I start to imagine it's IBS. Real problems began when I started feeling feverish every few nights and my sex drive greatly increased for some reason I can't explain, before giving way to more horrible stomach problems and diarrhea again. Now finally for the past month I've felt my mental state worsening and I'm starting to worry that I have bipolar due to me feeling tired and unable to do anything every few days then a cycle of feeling overly happy and my sex drive increasing. But something that I'm unable to reconcile with the bipolar theory is that at the end of it it's often accompanied by very real physical symptoms. This is turning into me rambling but my problems have become so bizarre yet serious that I'm unable to relate to other people's ""simple"" health anxiety where they worry about cancer or something easy to ""identify"" as a problem by themselves. I don't even know what I'm meant to worry about here. All I know is I feel awful reccuring stomach problems that are somehow accompanied by me feeling like I'm losing my mind when they begin. I'm so frustrated that it's become so hard to articulate my specific yet horrible problems.",Anxiety +52498,"possible somniphobia? lately ive been terrified of going to sleep. i dread it all day. my anxiety has always been worse at night, and it would disrupt my sleep quite a bit occasionally, but recently ive been staying up till 2-4am every night. no matter how tired i am, i force myself to stay awake. i dont know why im so afraid of falling asleep now, i used to love sleeping and looked forward to it. its always made me a bit uneasy thinking about how vulnerable and defenseless you are while sleeping, but its never been this bad. + +im always convinced that something bad will happen to me or my pets while im sleeping, or that i'll go to sleep and not wake up in the morning (which not too long ago i would've been completely fine with). i havent had a good nights sleep in almost 2 months now. im so exhausted. it feels like i find something new to worry about almost every day, and those anxious thoughts are always the loudest at night. + +sleep is the last thing i thought i'd ever be afraid of, but here we are i guess.",Anxiety +34742,"Heart Palpitations Stopped--Empty Feeling hello everybody! i've been dealing with cardiophobia for 2 months now, ever since i went to the ER for a fast heartrate that wouldn't stop. everything is fine with my heart, i've had loads of EKGs, chest x-rays, and bloodwork done. the month following, however, i could always feel my heartbeat in my chest. i would often put my hand on my chest to feel it beat to calm me down. i got put on anxiety meds and now my heartbeat isn't palpitating like it was, in fact, i only feel my heartbeat in my wrist pulse now. it's fine, i guess that's normal, but ever since it's stopped i've had this empty feeling in my chest. it's probably psychological, but it makes me nervous sometimes that i can't feel anything there. thanks for listening to me, if anybody else has any wisdom or similar experiences, I'd love to hear it!",Anxiety +47,"Since the pandemic, I haven't opened my laptop for a day, I feel restless, I have a very heavy life load",Anxiety +52362,"Anxiety seriously holding me back. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Hi everyone, + +This is my first time posting on here and this may turn out to be an essay but please bear with me and read to the end. I promise to make this as concise as possible. + +I'm in my late 20's (male) and have had anxiety since the beginning of high school. It felt super overwhelming back then and high school could have been an amazing experience had anxiety not gotten in the way. + +I went to university fairly late and after graduating kept landing contract work, and eventually got stuck working at the same grocery store I applied to as an undergrad. The anxiety carried over into the workplace and resulted in my inability to work at a fast pace. I always felt mentally and physically exhausted. + +This is where I have to mention alcohol and caffeine, both of which produce superhuman like effects but with a caveat: + +I tried alcohol for the first time in Montreal at the age of 18 and after downing 2 beers it felt like I had ingested an elixir. My worries went away instantly, and felt my brain firing on all cylinders. There were 0 negative emotions, and a profound combination of confidence, energy, euphoria, and heightened creativity. I never got addicted to drinking (for obvious reasons), and only drink on occasion, but every time I do, it produces the same effects. I also never get drunk. + +Coffee seems to produce eerily similar effects and I realized this a few years ago after I had a coffee at work and felt like I had snorted crack. I thought I could take on the world, and was super excited that I had finally found a solution to my problem. Unfortunately however, if I have coffee everyday for 4 days straight, by the 4th day it produces the exact opposite effects and I'm left feeling sleepy and lethargic. For me to feel the full effects of coffee, I need to refrain from it for at least 7 days. + +Fast forward to today where I recently started working construction as a sprinkler fitter/pipefitter and absolutely hate it. Apart from being a fast-paced environment, I'm asthmatic with an allergy to dust and constantly drilling holes into a concrete ceiling has made my asthma worse, plus the cement we use to glue the plastic leaves me with a pounding headache during and after work, so I know my days are numbered. The company that I'm employed with is currently waiting on a new project so I've had the last 7 days off + +During this time I've begun doing research on career alternatives and have become very interested in the online world and have decided to upgrade my skills in e-commerce, digital marketing, and video editing (among other things). + +My morning routine involves getting up at 8 o'clock (feeling tired), having breakfast, followed by tea with milk (which produces similar effects to coffee with much less intensity). After having tea, my anxiety goes away and I become very focused; however, when the caffeine wears off, my anxiety returns and I go back to feeling mentally exhausted (constant worrying, overthinking, fear of failure, lack of motivation etc.) + +As far as I know, I'm not depressed, nor do I have low self-esteem. I feel good about the way I look and the shape I'm in. Going to the gym helps. + +I don't have any bad habits. I don't smoke, nor do I indulge in social media looking for a dopamine fix. Most of my free time is spent reading online and on YouTube searching educational videos. I also get 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night but usually wake up tired. The only complaint I have with life is my anxiety. Without it I have a powerful personality and I feel like I'm capable of achieving so much but it's causing me to operate at only 50% of my full potential. + +I was wondering if anyone is able to offer any insight as to why alcohol and caffeine produce such similar effects, practically eliminating my anxiety before the effects wear off, and if anyone has had similar experiences? Could alcohol and caffeine contain something which I might be deficient in? Could I get this in a pill form? + +I was thinking of making an appointment with my family doctor but just thought I'd reach out here to see what the members here have to add. + +I'm open to the idea of trying antidepressants but at the same time worried about the side effects. Do antidepressants really only cause side effects in the first couple of weeks? Based on some of my research, that seems to be the case. + +Apologies for the long post and I would greatly appreciate any input. + +Thanks.",Anxiety +52516,"Work trips are terrifying I’m prepared to be called all sorts of names. I’ve had people tell me this is unhealthy and to get serious help. Like I don’t know that. + +This will get buried in the flood of posts. I’ll try still. My partner is going on a work trip. She’s been on a couple before but never outside the country. + +It simply terrifies me. I want to support her. I have severe anxiety. I do take medication and get professional help. But it’s still hard. + +The thought of being home alone for 4-5 days roughly with my partner a 10 hour flight away in another nation worries me. + +I don’t know what to say or do. I’m probably nothing more than a burden of a partner and a person in general. I’ve had two funerals in the last two months too. + +I’m just tired and very, very nervous.",Anxiety +52485,"How often do you rewatch your favorite movies? I’ve fallen asleep my favorite movie every night since a traumatic event thats been causing me extreme anxiety. Rewatching movies makes me feel in control, distracts me from my anxiety and comforts me. Does anyone else do this to help cope?",Anxiety +52756,"Is it me or tik tok makes anxiety worse? I’ve been on tik tok since 2020 and I think it has affected me more, like I can’t stop watching even if I want to, does anyone else also feel like this?",Anxiety +52816,Is there a specific term or phobia that one gets about fearing that their heart won't stop beating fast if they trigger it? Examples could be exercise or a panic attack? I sadly developed mild agoraphobia cause of this /:,Anxiety +509,why are you so worried,Anxiety +34696,"magic mushrooms Does anyone have any experience with long term use of psylocibin? Someone I know takes magic mushrooms several times a week because it is the only thing that helps his severe ocd enough so he can function almost like a normal person. Is there any reason not to continue if it's helping? He has tried CBT, ERP & medication which helps a little. Are there any long term use side effects to worry about? Has anyone else taken psylocibin regularly for a long time?",Anxiety +35690,"Can anxiety cause bi-polar like symptoms? I go through periods of feeling happy, like everything is fine and I’ll be ok. But then something small happens and I feel like my world is ending, everything is wrong, everyone hates me, etc. The highs and lows can be extreme, but I’ve seen therapist and they have told me I’m not bipolar. Could this be a form of anxiety?",Anxiety +35412,"Hit my head on car trunk and caused my health anxiety to soar Im a 22 year old male and I hit my head Saturday afternoon on my car tailgate right before I went to go fish with some friends. It was the very top of my head but more towards my left side. Don’t really think it caused many problems other than hurting because I was still able to fish and remember when it happened and the events after it happened (didn’t blackout or whatever). Later Saturday night I felt my head and realized that it actually got cut and it’s looks kind of like a small raspberry-type injury about the size of a dime maybe smaller. + +Anyways this caused me to become a huge hypochondriac and elevated my anxiety as I began to think about brain bleeds and what not. My pupils never became dilated and I’ve just had a minor headache which could possibly be due to stress/anxiety but the pressure is in my face (eyes and nose area). The place where I hit is still sore and has the common goose-egg. I’ve got a unrelated doctors appointment Friday and wanted to know if y’all thought I would be fine until then. I also wanted to ease my mind about brain bleeds and how common they were with an injury like mine? Haha hopefully this doesn't make me sound crazy, my anxiety has just been running rampant lately. Thank you in advance everyone",Anxiety +35832,"Eye dropping and sharp pain behind eye, also head ache on the same side. HA acting up hard.. It's been going on for a week, should I see a neurologist?? I'm totally not sure what I should do",Anxiety +35711,"Skin crawling/tickling I’ve had this sensation all over my body for the past couple months. I feel it most in my back or legs but have felt it everywhere, even on the tip of my nose. Has anyone else had this sensation before? I’m so anxious its a neurological issue or something bad.",Anxiety +34308,"Cross post with AskDocs -- random swelling?? Hello, + +I'm a 23-year-old female, non-smoker, otherwise healthy despite an insane amount of anxiety. I've had slightly swollen lymph nodes on my neck for a while, but doctors I've seen haven't been concerned because I weigh 116 pounds and have a really thin neck -- an ENT basically told me to dismiss it unless they actually get bigger. It's only one one side. During my appointment with the ENT though, I insisted she check my parotid glands because the left side of my face feels a bit swollen. She agreed, but said it could be caused by a ton of things. My cheek is a bit swollen on the inside, too. It's most notable right under my ear lobe, resting on my jaw. It feels like a lump that's noticeably bigger than the right side of my face. + +She referred me for an MRI with contrast, and suggested I cancel a sonogram I had scheduled because an MRI would be better, anyway (I did.) I haven't had that yet, but I'm really freaked out and wondering if there's anything else I should be concerned with or if I should take her advice to just chill. I've had ulcers on that side of the mouth before (12 at a time, two years ago, apparently caused by stress), I wore clear retainers for two years that could have caused swelling and I had impacted wisdom teeth removed 8 months ago. They were more impacted on that side of my mouth. I'm not sure what to do, just wondering if I'm going crazy or if I'm right to be concerned. Also, I'm more short of breath lately (not like, short of breath in a way where I'm sweaty and my heart's beating fast. Short of breath like my throat feels tight.) But that could be caused by anxiety, too. Thanks for you help.",Anxiety +34722,"its back.... i was doing so well for so long with my hypochondria but all of a sudden its back. my mind is going crazy. been a while since i visited this thread. + +what has me all paranoid is last night, i was at a party with about 15 people. I went to the bathroom and when i wiped and put the toilet paper in the toilet, i noticed a little bit of red on it like blood. i thought i was getting my period but i wasnt. i didnt see any blood after that. + +so now, I am worried that it was someone ELSES blood on the toilet paper and am concerned about being infected with HIV now. Ugh. my biggest fear. + +The reason I worry is because one person who was at the party is a gay male, and I am unsure of his status.. what if he was sabatoging the toilet paper with his blood?! + +I HATE THIS ANXIETY! Literally no rational thoughts here. ",Anxiety +34370,"The flu is going around really badly at my university and I'm terrified of catching it I'm really freaking myself out a lot. I have a good immune system, I normally only get one cold or so a year, haven't had the stomach bug in almost 7 years (knock on wood), and I don't think I've ever had the flu (but maybe a flu like illness or two). + +Anyway, I'm always health anxious about things like this, but it got a lot worse last week upon receiving an email that the flu is widespread and that they've been getting a large amount of cases. People in my classes claim to have it, people in my clubs claim to have it, etc. Luckily none of my five roommates (we live and share a bathroom together) have gotten it so far, but I'm still so freaked out. I obviously go above and beyond with precautions- hand washing before any kind of eating or touching my face, probiotics, Vitamin C immune supplements 1x a day, lots of fruit, water, sleep, not a lot of junk food, exercise. I clean the doorknobs every day and sanitize my phone and laptop daily. I still can't help but worry. + +I've been taking my temperature a lot and feeling feverish but it never comes back with a fever. I've also had some trouble sleeping and I've been nauseous, had a funky appetite, and some questionable poops. You can catch the flu through air droplets so that's the only way I think I could ever get it but I'm still really freaked out. + +Any advice on how to try and relax a bit?",Anxiety +579,"Oh, I like to be anxious all of a sudden, why are you",Anxiety +52996,"Is this a side effect of Lexapro I began taking Lexapro yesterday and I began feeling nauseous and just an overall off feeling. I also began feeling like burning sensation in my stomach, like a lot of acid and today I began feeling cramp like feeling around my stomach. + +Has anyone dealt with this when starting Lexapro?",Anxiety +34389,"I’m experiencing calf pain after a loonnnggg bus ride. DVT? Hi everyone, + +First of all, I’m a 27yo female who is pretty active and in general good health. I am taking oral contraceptives so I am at a higher risk of clots. I’ve been taking the same birth control pill for 10 years without any trouble. + +I recently went on a trip and was on a bus for 15 hours straight. I did walk around or stand up every few hours or so. I also had the seat next to me for myself so i was able to extend/raise my legs and stretch out. I was very hydrated during that trip. + +Once I got to my destination, everything was okay. I had to get back on the bus to go home, which was only going to be 5 hours (the first one took so long due to weather/traffic). I walked around about half way through my return trip, but i did notice my lower legs started to hurt towards the end of my trip. Also, i admit, i definitely wasn’t drinking as much water as i probably should’ve. + +It’s been 24 hours now and I’m experiencing mild pain in my lower left leg. My calf just seems crampy. It hurts a little when i flex my toes up to the sky (that also hurts on the other leg as well). I do feel slight muscle spasms in my other leg but no pain. I have no noticeable swelling or warmth on my legs. The crampy feeling sort of extends to my thigh as well, but i do have sciatica so I’m not sure if that’s what I’m feeling. I can walk totally fine and have no pain when doing so. I mostly feel this pain when i am sitting or laying down. + +I’d love some advice on whether or not i should go to the ER to be safe or if it’s just likely my muscles are dehydrated and sore from being stuck in a relatively small area for a while. ",Anxiety +51937,"Has anyone tried EMDR therapy? I just started. If so, what are your thoughts? I like it so far but mostly just because it triggers my ASMR. + +Did you have success?",Anxiety +51907,Any good YouTubers that talk about their experiences with anxiety? I've been trying to find YouTubers who talk about anxiety and things they may have done to help them. I just think it would be nice to find someone who shares similar experiences so I feel like I'm not crazy all the time lol. Anyone got anything? Thanks!,Anxiety +428,restless restless accompanying,Anxiety +34,It's a habit from elementary school if I think about something I'll get worried I can't sleep,Anxiety +707,"Anxious about the future, will it be gold or just moans.",Anxiety +34279,"If I had water poisoning would I be able to type this? Drank more water than I usually do in a small time frame, and now I've been having anxiety all night. I don't seem to have any cramps, headaches, nor do I feel intoxicated. But for some reason my hypochondria has me feeling destined and doomed that this is it :'(",Anxiety +35032,"Very worried about my sister My sister (26) has been suffering from pretty chronic neck pain for over 3 years now. She had an MRI 3 years ago, which was normal. We tried alternate therapies including massages. They gave her a bit of relief but the pain would return every now and then. She then moved to a cold country away from us. The past summer there was quite pain free for her, but in the last 3-4 months her neck has been severely aching again, and after a recent long flight it has spread to her upper back as well. She has an appointment with a doctor about 10 days from now. I’m extremely close to her and she lives more than 8000 miles away from me. I feel helpless and anxious, and i’m imagining all sorts of worst case scenarios :( + +If her MRI was clean 3 years ago, it can’t be cancer or something now, even though the pain is worse, right? ",Anxiety +370,Vai exam eto kharap hoice,Anxiety +485,Always haunted by anxiety,Anxiety +52998,"Going to the cinema This is probably a very particular issue and I’ve never really wanted to post about my anxiety but I’ve led myself here anyway. After a weed induced panic attack about 5 months ago, things have been pretty hellish for me. I’ve got a painful feeling in my chest I would say the majority of the day (anxiety, of course), every day. Now, I love love LOVE films. I plan to go to college next year and study film. I’ve wanted to become a director for years now. As you’d imagine, that requires me to be able to watch pretty much any kind of film, whenever. But, going to the cinema, something I hold so close to my heart as being a place I used to love, a place I would go to escape, has become really difficult for me. I really struggle in the days leading up to going, takes serious mental preparation. I’ve been a total of 6 times in 2023, which to people who know me, is simply unheard of. I’m a big fan of the John Wick films and have plans to go see the 4th one tomorrow. I’ve been waiting a long time to see it, but I just can’t see myself actually going out and seeing it. If you’re aware of the John Wick films, you know that they’re probably the most “foot on the gas” and brutal action films around. Which I feel is going to really freak me out. In my experiences of going to the cinema with anxiety, I’ve never had to leave the cinema. I’m pretty uncomfortable being there but I’ve never had to leave. I think that the main thing is the fear that this thing I love so much is being taken from me, despite me having no evidence to support it. While I’ve been able to push myself to go all the other times, I just can’t see it happening this time. I know it’s a lot of mental gymnastics but if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me at all I’d really appreciate it. +Thanks :)",Anxiety +520,why are you always restless?,Anxiety +571,"Sometimes feel anxious because tomorrow. .Tired of thinking. I have to rest. In the end, it looks green, but it's stressful again. .It's really a cycle huhuuuu -.-",Anxiety +599,"btw nutmeg I always get dizzy when I wake up, plus I feel restless after spending personal money for school fees huft",Anxiety +35592,"DAE feel like they've accepted death since having HA? So my health anxiety has gone a bit mad, every time I'm reassured by my doctor of one thing, something else pops up straight away. +I'm not really sure how to cope as I've only really had significant HA since early last year. + +Recently I've been having palpitations & arm pain, I'm checking my heart rate/BP almost hourly. I feel like I've now began coping by just sort of accepting that I might die as I'm too embarrassed to seek reassurance from anyone in my life. + +Does anyone feel the same, or have any better advice other than the 'roll over and die' approach? +Thanks guys",Anxiety +233,"Starting to get restless...Others have started praying Isha, I'm not solemn, the cat is getting closer...Finally canceled the prayer to get rid of the cat",Anxiety +34849,"I've never had an ulcer and can't remember the last time I had acid reflux. Upper stomach pain... brain says cancer, logic says acid reflux or ulcer. Help? Mostly asking what an ulcer really feels like. + + I've never had one before as far as I know (I'm 29) and have never been diagnosed with one. But then again, because of insurance issues, I've not really been able to see a doctor in like. Years. It's ridiculous. Long story. Anyway, I'm hoping to get insurance and be able to at least be seen within the next few months. Until then, though, reassurance is kind of all I can get. + +I know what that sharp burning acid reflux feels like, I used to get it sometimes in high school, but generally, I don't ever experience that. I honestly can't remember the last time I got that sickly, burning acid reflux feeling. My diet's really bland out of preference (mostly vegetarian / some, but not a lot of meat) which I think contributes to a lot of my inexperience with acid reflux. + +I have pain in my upper abdomen, right in the middle. I can't tell if I'm feeling it in my esophagus, liver or upper stomach. It feels very close to the surface and hurts when I push on it. It doesn't really feel like the way acid does when it trickles up into the esophagus. The pain worsens when I have gas and eases up when that passes. It's dull and honestly easy enough to just work through, but the fact that I've been having it almost every day for a couple of weeks now concerns me. + +Doesn't hurt to breathe. Just this dull ache ranging from annoying to actually kind of ouch, but still not enough to vocalise about. Just concerning because it keeps happening. + +I used to drink a couple beers every night but now have since eliminated that to see if it makes a difference (I can't tell if it helps. Feels the same as when I drank every night.) + +Is it possible that this is just acid reflux and that it can feel different from the hot burning feeling in the heart area? + +Does this sound more like an ulcer? + +For what it's worth, I think I'm in fairly good health—just underweight (95lbs, 5'4"", Female) with no family history of cancer (but I recently learned I have a family history of gall bladder problems.) Mildly sedentary activity levels (work a desk job and tend to spend a lot of time writing at my computer while at home.) + +Any advice to tide me over until insurance comes through would rock. Thank you so much for reading.",Anxiety +52352,"I think I broke my toe I was walking to exit my basement when I kicked the metal part of my racing wheel, i said every swear word I know before rushing upstairs to survey the damage, and that's when I saw the blood right where my toenail meets the toe is drizzling blood and my toe is throbbing, suddenly I start wondering if it will feel weird forever now or if it will be permanently deformed or something (it's not deformed now) and I had a panic attack so I'm just coming down off of that and the tip is numb, it still hurts and I have a bandaid on it, feeling comes back ish when I ice it and I can move it it is still on and off pain coming in waves and i am still concerned about it.",Anxiety +34247,"Tested a VR headset (for phone, Bobo Z4) & before I could adjust settings to get rid of incorrect settings (the screen was double), I felt my left eye sting and after that, weird sensations in my eye areas and in my head/brain... kinda electrical and spasm-like, worried Health anxiety sucks - it sucks more when its symptoms overlap with the symptoms of physical conditions. + +But the symptoms described in the title above were a little... odd. Epilepsy-concerns emerge, perhaps mild, but still leaving me concerned. Could it just be something that had to do with my eyes needing to adjust, or the settings not being correct and thus messing me up for a bit, or should I be worried about epilepsy/photosensitivity? I figured I'd ask around to see if it is a sound concern... no access to a doctor right now unfortunately, gotta wait til tomorrow. +",Anxiety +52685,"H e l p please 😭 I can't live like this anymore 😢 Hiiii. So I went to the skatepark for the first time a few days ago. I'm happy about it. I can go down small ramps nothing major. There is a kid down the street who skates like a pro. Only 4 years old too. I see him al the tome so I decided to start skating. No matter jow hard a try ramps are roo scary for me right now. +Everytime I think about skateboarding my hands and feet start to sweat majorly. +I know what your think, just to not think abou ti. But I can't! All I think about is skateboarding. I'm homeschooled and don't have an exciting life because my mom is ill and my dad is long gone somewhere. I love to skate but it gives me anxiety and makes me sweat + In a good way? But it's also bad??? I don't know how to explain it but I want to stop think about it helpppppppppp",Anxiety +35627,"Chiropractic adjustment on neck now scared of cervical artery dissection This will sound ridiculous and it is embarassing to even type but that is what we are all here for to get these issues out in the open and find people who can support us right so here it goes. I am a 27 y.o male and have been seeing my chiro for years because I would get headaches. He uses the drop table method and I have had my neck adjusted 100s of times before. Last week I went to my doctor for an unrelated visit and mentioned I was seeing a chiropractor. He responded right away ""dont let him touch your neck"" he told me that an older patient of his had had a stroke days after a neck adjustment because of a torn artery. Now I will mention that the chiropractor this patient had seen was using a different type of manipulation on the neck as opposed to the thompson (drop table) method. At my chiropractic appointment yesterday he did what he normally does and worked kn my back and neck. this time my neck was sore all night and I have not been able to sleep or focus on work or my kids because all I can think about is ""what if he tore something, what if I am going to have a stroke????"" seems silly right? Anyone who has health anxiety knows that these ludicrous thoughts seep into our mind and pollute our rationality and thinking. I have all but convinced myself I am going to have a stroke and die and leave my kids behind fatherless no matter how crazy I know it sounds. My neck hurts as of writing this but very mild discomfort perhaps a 2 out of 10. I would assume if you tore an artery you would feel it? Anyways I would love some responses maybe just to reassure me or if anybody has some insight on an issue like this they could share. + +cheers",Anxiety +34258,"Anyone else walk into their Doctor’s office and everyone knows your name? The receptionists, other Doctors, all the nurses, the people in the OTHER offices... haha yeah.... just had a warm welcome at mine ;)",Anxiety +53040,"Is there any way to sleep better? I can't sleep most of the nights, meds didn't help.",Anxiety +35068,"Brief warning about the askreddit post ""What has still not been explained by science?"" The top post rn mentions medical stuff so avert ye eyes if you decide to investigate.",Anxiety +52098,"I just got prescribed medicine I’ve been wanting to try anxiety medicine for a while now because it’s just getting to be too much, my new NP was so nice and explained my concerns to me, she prescribed me citalopram 20mg 1 per day, and then an additional as needed (for more stressful days she described) hydroxyzine pamoate 25mg, waiting on the prescriptions to be filled but wondering if anyway has taken these are their experiences with them? I’ve never been on medicine before but I’m excited for help :)",Anxiety +607,Why am I even so nervous?,Anxiety +635,Restless and agitated,Anxiety +34589,"My AskReddit Terminal Ilness thread I’m sorry for the thread (it was mine). I have severe health anxiety myself and just wanted to know a few red flags for knowing when something is truly wrong with you. I’m sorry if I worsened your anxiety at that moment, but I had to do it because of my own anxiety. I really didn’t expect it to show up on the front page. ",Anxiety +52054,"Is there any way to sleep better? I can't sleep most of the nights, meds didn't help.",Anxiety +52434,"Anybody feel this? My cardiophobia has been on the ups and downs recently. I have felt the occasional ectopics before but usually happens when I’m anxious. Last night I was in bed and was good just browsing my phone when all of sudden I felt this weird feeling, instead of a double beat or hard thump (ectopics) it felt like my heart had stalled or stopped and then it felt like this weird empty feeling in my chest that made me jump up scared and then I felt a surge of fear and adrenaline. The actual feeling only lasted about one or two seconds. I had this Same thing happen one other time while being in the car, like I feel a dropping feeling in my chest like when you get bad news and then I felt the same feeling I explained^^ afterwards … Anyone else felt this before?",Anxiety +35026,"Venting A little info- new to the community. I’m 18f, weight is 165 at 5’4. Back in September I got diagnosed with a stomach infection called cdiff. It’s been a whirlwind since then. If you read up on it it’s super hard to get rid of mainly because elderly people primarily get it and it’s a spore firming bacteria. It can kill you. It caused me tremendous anxiety. But of course with my luck, I contracted it. I was on antibiotics for two months, now I’m waiting to retest my stool again. I have to wait a month at least in case I get a false positive stool test. Everything has been normal bathroom-wise for a month. So I thought I had gotten rid of it, and was excited to go back to the doctor. Until yesterday, my lose stools came back. Again. And now I’m through the roof just upset. If I test positive for it again, (I’ve tested positive twice now.) then I go in for a fecal matter transplant. Also for the past few months I’ve been experiencing this sternum pain, literally in my chest bone. Only with certain arm movements. Anywho, moral of this is that I just want to be okay. It’s affecting me, my relationship, and everything around me. ",Anxiety +52621,"Taylor Swift Concert- Anxious and easily overstimulated I’m going to see Taylor Swift next month. I’m classically anxious in crowds and hate feeling trapped. I don’t do malls or places like IKEA. I can barely handle Walmart. I’m also just easily overstimulated. + +Any tips on how to cope with this all? +I plan to wear ear plugs and will probably have a couple drinks. + +I’m really nervous though and I’m looking for suggestions on what I can pack as a sort of emergency kit for my anxiety or ANYTHING else to cope. + +I want to have a good time and not be in a constant state of fear the whole time. Thanks!",Anxiety +533,Feeling anxious for no reason,Anxiety +643,"Oh God, why is it so hard to get to know new people now, scared, worried, worried... Tremors again. I'm so afraid of myself",Anxiety +52895,"Welcome to todays game of is this anxiety or am I dying? For tonight’s players we have: weird jaw moment, chest tightness and irrational thoughts! Feat: what’s causing my moment of low sugar - new keto diet or new symptom. +Thanks for playing!",Anxiety +52438,"I have a golden opportunity. Fear and anxiety takes hold of me. Hello everybody. + +I'm about to get the opportunity to go on an all-expenses paid (totally free) one week trip to the Netherlands with colleagues. But I'm afraid to go in case anxiety takes over me being away from home. + +Almost two years ago I had my first bout of anxiety for no apparent reason. One day it came and took hold of me and I spent more than a month in a daze without being able to leave the house or walk down the street... + +Hopefully I managed to ""get over it"", but I feel that this period/stage marked my life as always. Now I live in fear and things that I liked to do before I have stopped doing or I don't do them for fear that it will make me anxious. + +Among them, I always planned to travel as much as possible with family and friends the day I had a stable job and recurring income. Well, now I am in that situation but I do it for fear of getting anxiety outside the house, not being able to control it and the situation exploding. + +I still remember the panic attacks I used to get for no reason (I had no reason to) and I shudder.... It was the worst situation and time of my life. I feel that it has marked me forever. + +My life is highly limited and I'm quite young...",Anxiety +52282,"Crippling medical anxiety So I haven’t been to see a doctor in about two years because I was insanely nervous about what they might find. I was hit by a car Sunday so I finally went to see a doctor today. While talking to the doctor I mentioned I get sharp pain right under my ribs often. She said it might be my gallbladder and ordered an ultrasound. Initially I didn’t think anything of it but now I’m up at midnight googling everything I can about gallbladder cancer and convincing myself I have it. I’m 24 and all of my blood tests came back in the normal range, both my age and the blood tests are good when it comes to gallbladder cancer. The only symptoms I have are the pain and slight persisting nausea. I don’t know why I can’t let this go. I would love advice from anyone else that has medical anxiety!",Anxiety +120,"When you hear the song, your heart becomes calm and when you hear the Koran, your heart becomes tense and restless.. it's a sign that your heart is hit by CORONA BLOOD.. you need to think about it.. because life is not a game.",Anxiety +620,"Worried, nervous, sad, all mixed up. That's how it is :')",Anxiety +51962,dae get chills? like just randomly? all over their body or on one part/side,Anxiety +52072,"So anxious I'm starting to shake I went on a 2 day drinking bender and I'm sobering up. I'm dizzy but I know that's just the alcohol/dehydration. I'm starting to shake, both from detoxing and being tense. + +I feel like I need a hug and to never drink again. Any advice on how to feel better would be greatly appreciated.",Anxiety +34983,"CT Scan Worries 20 Y/O trans guy getting a abdominal and pelvoc CT scan for chronic pelvic pain, blood in urine, and possible stones that never passed. I have been suffering for months and I have been delaying this procedure for weeks. My doctor fianlly listened and referred me to a urologist. I have already done an X-RAY and gotten referrals to urogynecology with no conclusive answers except using Tylenol for pain. + +Before this happened to me MDs have offered SSRIs and asked me if this was an exacerbation of my anxiety. + +Wish me luck y'all! I've been googlong ways to reduce radiation and calling all the CT scan centers near me... + +Apparently I can use lead shields for my legs, chest, arms, and thyroid which means a lot to me. + +I am trying not to worry about the long term issues about radiation but it can be exhausting. + +Y'all are strong and thoughful people and I wish the best in your health journeys. ",Anxiety +35113,"Sudden Death at any Moment This is my first post on Reddit, so I am unfamiliar with things work, however I am here out of desperation. + +Over a week ago, I smoked a THC vape pen, (a concentrated form of THC). I hadn't smoked weed in around a year and I generally do not like it. I felt nothing for around 10 minutes, then it all hit at once, and I became very nauseous, dizzy, began to sweat profuseley and breathe heavily, had a panic attack, and had to sit down to avoid passing out. + +I worried I was going to die. I now know that it was a normal reaction to way too much THC, called a greenout, and I recovered from most of the symptoms after a few days. However, while ""greening out"", I felt a strange pressure under the skin of my forehead, and apparently a red spot formed there temporarily. + +Most of the symptoms went away. However, multiple times a day, I feel a light pressure in my forehead still, and a few days after that, it spread to feel like it was behind my right eye too. No pain, just a light pressure that gets worse with exercise. I also feel foggy and dizzy, and have ear ringing commonly. + +I am here because I have an anxiety disorder, and have had major issues with health anxiety in the past, especially a fear of aneurysms. I forced myself to believe that my symptoms were a result of anxiety, but when they didn't go away, I went to the family doctor yesterday. + +I explained things to the doctor, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. He said it was likely a tension headache, but, in his words, ""wanted me to get a CT scan to make sure it's nothing like an aneurysm"", though he highly doubted it. + +That made my fears worse. An aneurysm is one of my greatest fears. Worse, I have to live with this fear for another week because they can't get me a CT scan until the 12th. The only thing preventing me from freaking out totally is the unlikelihood that I would develop one. I'm a generally healthy non smoking 21 year old male with no known family history of this on either side. The symptoms, while they are strange, can seem like those of an aneurysm, but they're too unclear for me to be sure, and could be a number of things. + + I am keeping in mind my past experiences worrying about health anxiety that came to nothing, but it's hard to overcome my fears and symptoms. This past week I have spent in constant anxiety, and now I'm too afraid to even walk up the stairs or drink tea or anything that might raise my blood pressure, because it might rupture an aneurysm. I think constantly about my own death and have trouble sleeping and eating. I know this makes it worse, but I don't know what to do. Ive googled all this heavily (I know, another bad habit) and I can't find any explanations as to what's wrong with me. ",Anxiety +52722,"Covid 19 Hello everyone I just want to vent about a few things here. I’m about 17 right now about to turn 18 in a few months. When covid hit and we had to stay at home for weeks I thought it was cool, playing games all the time with my friends, sleeping in , watching Netflix whenever. But I was wrong, I don’t know if others feel like this but I feel like after covid hit my life went downhill. I never used to have social anxiety or anxiety in general but I do now, it was way worse in the beginning and it’s a bit better now fast forwarding 3 years. + +I never used to overthink but I do now, I feel like covid and the at home lockdown has just changed me completely.",Anxiety +52713,"i cant get rid of intrusive, repetitive thoughts, 24/7 in my head its like having these bad thoughts as background noise in my mind. i cant get rid of them. when i listen to music, when i scroll socials, when i watch tv/videos or when i play something. when i take a walk, when i read a book, when i eat, when i talk with someone. always. + +they are usually about something bad that happened to me 2 months ago. its like thinking about this trauma over and over again, thinking about what happened, changing the conversations in my head, etc. its exhausting, i just want to let it go. i cant sleep well, i wake up several times during the night and when i wake up, i immediately start thinking about that stuff. + +it got better since 2 months ago because im on antidepressants now and doing therapy but im really, really tired.",Anxiety +35439,"(With picture) Long standing white sore on tonsil causing ear pain and discomfort (should I be worried?) Here is photo: [https://imgur.com/a/ILiQNNC](https://imgur.com/a/ILiQNNC) (warning. picture of tonsils. could be disturbing for some) + +White sore located at the top region of my tonsil. Had to use q-tip to see it hidden behind the flap of skin (opening of throat.) + +I have ear discomfort and throat discomfort when I swallow. + +MORE INFO: I'm 25. I had throat discomfort on one side of throat for 5 months (brushed it off because I couldn't afford a doctor visit.) It felt worse recently, so I looked into my throat and searched around to discover a sore a few days ago. I don't think it's a tonsil stone. Not sure about a canker sore either. I'm worried sick that it could be tonsil cancer. I DO have a doctor visit tomorrow, thankfully. But I'm still worrying myself sickly. Any advice?",Anxiety +34178,Heartbeat in ears after mild exercise? Just noticed after running up the stairs that I could feel my pulse without touching my ears. It went away after I stopped for a bit but worried regardless. Is the sign of something serious?,Anxiety +52875,"Coffee and antipsychotics Greetings people I hope you're having a good day. First of all how are your experiences with coffee and antipsychotic meds? I've been on Abilify and Alprazolam for years never had been feeling alert on them always either sleepy or have weird feeling in my stomach. Now I've tried everything with these meds be it smoking or alcohol I stopped all of it because it caused very nasty problems with me when I stopped I finally felt myself even through I've read on Wikipedia that coffee can also cause problems when you take these meds it's says even small amounts can cause side effects that's called caffeine induced anxiety. + +I'm not really sure how am I supposed to be awake I mean I'm unemployed still in hands of my parents and other family members who take care of me and understand my problems but how did you manage to stay awake without coffee or did coffee really help you without feeling weird all time while on meds? It would be stupid for me to sleep all day and miss some important events or have fun chatting with friends or playing video games or better yet studying different topics like electrical engineering or making homemade circuits. Not electrical engineer just doing something for hobby.",Anxiety +34563,"Feeling stupid lately... Alright so I’m 16m, have health related anxiety, and have had this sort of thing before. Maybe someone has something wise to say. + +So I constantly worry about losing intelligence; I’m a pretty bright guy but I often worry that this attribute is slipping away from me. I’m rather insecure about this. + +I work at a swimming pool that’s under construction. There were diesel fumes in the pool the whole 3 hour shift. They were bad enough at one point to give a coworker a headache, and at least one patron turned right around when she came in and smelled how and it was. Mgmt didn’t close till the last 30 mins! I was one of the last on the deck. Didn’t really get a headache, though. Anyway I own a juul, I was using that before and after. So nicotine exposure. Haven’t used it for a few days. Also I drank a bit with friends the night of that work shift. Continued using the juul and drank more the night of the next day. Also I was at higher altitude for two days after this, but only 2000 ft higher than the 5000 of my hometown. Back home and still feel what I’m about to describe. + +I feel like my memory has been shitty since this, and my mental/cognitive/linguistic abilities down. I feel dull. I’ve had scares like this before, but this feels different. Is this just anxiety? Anxiety seems to cause very real physical symptoms for me, but I feel less stressed than I normally would during this type of episode. Anyone have any words of advice? + +EDIT: Forgot a MAJOR component: I got a meningitis vaccine the day before the second drinking incident. Not an antivaxer at all, I just was worried about the interactions between all these in relation to my memory/mental issues recently. Kinda reinforces my point that I forgot this big part which was a primary part of my thoughts about this :(",Anxiety +52992,"Zoloft Postpartum Anxiety I am 3 months postpartum and my doctor just prescribed me Zoloft 25mg. I have been having horrendous anxiety and insomnia. I finally decided I needed to do something about it. I took my first dose last night and was shakey and nervous and couldn’t sleep. So I took a hydroxyzine but that didn’t really help. So today I decided to take it earlier to see if that will help. I took it at noon. I am feeling so awful. Having diarrhea, which I guess I don’t really care about. But I have a headache and am soooo foggy. Like I feel weird and out of it and so tired but at the same time nervous and amped and I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Someone please tell me this gets better and it’s worth it. I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I have a baby that I have to care for so i hate feeling like this. I'm thinking about trying unisom tonight to sleep. Also I am breastfeeding.",Anxiety +688,"thanks! I'm really worried and I can't stand myself until I feel really weird physically. Usually I always take medicine from my doctor, but I usually when I'm worried about taking the medicine, I feel even more anxious, and in the morning my whole body hurts. I should how? (cont.)",Anxiety +34672,"Stomach related cancer Hey guys....I've been having problems with my stomach lately, it started on September. Basically, I had tons of things to do on my uni, got really stressed out and started feeling like my stomach, or better yet the area above it felt heavy. I started running by that time and I ran almost every day until the real winter kicked in (around two month period). I also started eating more healthy and I stopped eating after 7PM for quite some time. While I ran I almost felt as if a weight was in my chest and as if it was jumping while I was running, so I visited my doc. + +In the meantime, I lost quite some weight. I was usually around 100kg (+-5), and last time I tracked my weight I was at 83. + +The doc basically said it's all stress related and she took my blood, urine and stool sample. + +Stool -> negative for H. Pylori +Urine -> everything good, except high amount of proteins in urine (I had wisdom teeth extracted and took antibiotics a week before, so I'm not sure if it's related to that, if anyone has something smart to say regarding this...please do) +Blood -> All good + +She gave me a prescription for Controloc pills (proton pump inhibitor) and told me to take them for two weeks at least. + +Well, newsflah. I'm stupid. First of all, I started taking them and the situation improved. So I stopped taking them after around 5 days, forgot one day and figured oh well, if it doesn't hurt it's fixed. Then, another period of high intensity workload on uni arrived and so did the pain. I started taking them again, but for a week and it improved a little. Later I figured I won't be my own doctor and I stopped taking them, so for a while I felt just a minor annoyance above stomach, but nothing alarming or hurting so I ignored it. + +Now, back to another high intensity period, my stomach is going crazy again, I google, telling myself not to do it, but hey, I said I'm stupid didn't I? + +The moment I read about bla bla cancers of this and that caused by gastritis I totally lost it. + +If I had these symptoms on and off, considering I didn't take my meds as I was supposed to, how bad did I fk up my stomach? Could this half a year have made any permanent damage? I'm terribly afraid of well...pain, doctors, disease and death, nice combo, in fact so nice that it keeps me scared, but not scared enough to face my fear of doctors and operations. + +Yesterday it was hell, I took 2x20mg Acipan (same thing as Controloc basically) and I feel a lot better, but my mind is still in a terrible place. I guess this turned out into a rant, rather than a question, but still... any comments are welcome. + +sidenote: I read that the usual period of taking controloc or similar pills for such symptoms is at least 4 weeks, considering I didn't take even 1/4 of the given time, is it possible it's simply the gastritis coming back every time?",Anxiety +34760,"how to control heart rate while at the doctors? hi! + +so not only do i have health anxiety, but i have a HORRIBLE fear of the doctor. it's something new that started right around the same time as my health anxiety (yay) + +while i have a resting heart rate in the upper 70s, my heart rate shoots at the doctor because i'm so anxious - even into the 140s. that's the biggest issue i have with my anxiety, is my heart just starts to RACE, and once it starts to race i panic even more. it takes a while to convince the doctor that it's not normally like that( i show them my apple watch averages lol) - and usually they'll take it at the end too (i've basically trained myself to be so scared when they DO take it, so right after they take it, i'm absolutely fine and the anxiety is gone). + +&#x200B; + +however - i have a cardiology appointment for this monday. i have it because although my heart rate is in the upper 70s (sometimes lower 80s) while resting, it shoots up terribly with doing just basic things (think 120-130 while cleaning house, etc). this is newer for me, my heart rate used to shoot up into the 110s, but not as high as it has been getting. i'm FREAKING out because this entire appointment is basically everything i'm already afraid of at the doctor! + +&#x200B; + +does this happen to anyone else? it happens to my mom, too, but she has never been able to cope/fix it. i'm looking for something to hopefully calm me down in the actual office before the appointment.",Anxiety +53037,"Lorazepam side effect/after effect In the last week or so, I have been taking small doses(.5/1.0) of Lorazepam(only as needed) prescribed by my doctor for anxiety. + +I have been experiencing some weird effects, which are feelings of weakness, weird random head pressure that will come and go, and weird scalp sensation that come and go and pressure weird dreams, etc... Just was wondering if anyone else has experienced these symptoms or other symptoms when taking or going off of Lorazepam..Like I said, I only take it if I feel extremely anxious. My anxiety has also been really high..Has anyone experienced these symptoms due to anxiety and or effect from Lorazepam/benzos? I plan on asking my doctor, but just wanted to see if others experienced these or other symptoms..Thanks!",Anxiety +34957,"Scared of pain but not death? I have significant heart anxiety, I've been dealing with it for about 8 years, panic attacks the lot. + +Something I realised today is I'm not afraid of death so much as having pain from a heart attack, anyone else?",Anxiety +52763,"What to do when sitting awake through a surgery? how do I distract myself? I have to get a cyst removed and I've never had surgery before. I will be awake and the procedure will take about 30 mins. I have anxiety about hospitals, blood, and everything that has to do with invasive medical procedures. What can I think of or do when I'm laying down for 30 minutes staring at the ceiling to ease my anxiety?",Anxiety +52744,"Crying while arguing I absolutely hate when this happens but I always cry wnv I'm in an argument,doesn't matter with who. +I especially hate it when I cry in front of people I barely know +Why doess this happenn, is it an anxiety thing??",Anxiety +52248,"Burning sensation in right side of the face only Hi everyone. + +I have been experiencing on and off burning sensation only in my right side of the face. I think that if it would be anxiety, it’s usually on both sides. Has anyone experienced something similar?",Anxiety +35302,"I’ve been managing my health anxiety pretty well! .....until today So, I’m on 150mg of Zoloft daily, along with Lamictal (not certain about the dosage). Today, I was taking my daily pills but I accidentally took an extra pill, which I guess would mean I took 250mg. My mom called the pharmacist who said I should be fine but to look out for fainting. Ironically, I felt lightheaded just seconds after realizing I’d taken more than the prescribed dose. So I’m guessing that was anxiety because no pill affects you that fast (as far as I’m aware). + +But, technically, it still is an overdose, but a small one. Whenever I drink water, it feels weird on my throat and there’s a tickle in my throat (though that could be a mix of allergies and anxiety). And when I got up at first I felt dizzy. + +I looked it up and it says that 200mg is usually the max dosage. I took 50mg more. I’m afraid to sleep or anything. This happened around 5 hours ago. If I’d overdosed on a fatal level, would I have exhibited severe and obvious symptoms by now? I’m just so paranoid now ",Anxiety +52295,"I need help to stop my health anxiety I struggle from extreme health anxiety and it has exponentially gotten worse. A few days ago I discovered two big red dots on my neck and fully convinced myself that I was bitten by a rabid bat either during the daylight or while I was asleep. I had a full mental breakdown, searched my room for bats, and had an anxiety attack. I went to see a NP and a PA and both told me that it is not a bat bite. I have not seen any bats near me and while the doctors told me to calm down, I simply cannot. Today my throat started hurting but I genuinely cannot tell if I am only imagining that. It is impacting my life so much and I don't know how to stop being so anxious. It has been so hard on me, and my friends who I am driving crazy. Please be kind and maybe you can help talk me out of my frantic rabid state haha.",Anxiety +52813,"Anxiety & heart problems.. How do I tell if it’s my anxiety/stress causing my heart palpitations or if I have an actual heart problem? Brief background - Changed my SSRI back in November (Bad idea) didn’t suit me at all, sent me into a depression rut & only just started back on my old meds again. Starting to climb out of this rut now however I still get bad palpitations on/off when I’m feeling anxious/stressed but sometimes I can just be lying in bed or walking around & get them when I don’t feel any anxiety present. Once I get them it triggers my anxiety because I fear something is awfully wrong & that I’ll have a heart attack etc. I definitely have cardiophobia & I’m always fixated on my heart (convinced something is wrong) I had my bloods done last week & they were fine & tomorrow I get an ECG but I’m scared if I have afib or arrhythmia issues they won’t pick it up because I’ve heard they are difficult to detect. From an outsider looking in do you think I have a real heart problem or do you think my palpitations are all anxiety/stress related?",Anxiety +35637,"Concerned for Co-Worker (Vision Problems) + +I’m reaching out on behalf of a co-worker. Over the past three weeks, he has been having progressive problems with his sight. I’m not sure of all the details, but he has been to a family doctor, an optometrist, and a doctor that specializes in how the nerves relate to eye sight (not a neurologist, can’t remember the name). I’m not sure of all the tests performed, but he claims to have explored just about every route possible, and no one can tell him anything! I asked him what the next step was, and he told me there were no next steps. + +He is 64 years old, and has had cataracts previously, but has been fine in the six years that I’ve known him. He wears glasses due to being farsighted. The problems started about three weeks ago, and have progressed to the point where he can’t make out anything that he can’t make anything out (glasses or not) that is more than about 10-15 feet away from him. I was talking to him this morning and standing about that distance away, and he said he couldn’t make out the details of my face. + +From his explanation, if you take each eye and break it off into quadrants, each week he starts having problems in a new one. So, he had problems in one quadrant in his right eye three weeks ago. Then problems in another, and so on. Currently, he has blurry vision in three of four quadrants in his right eye and one of four quadrants in his left eye. Beyond this, I don’t have much more info. + +Does anyone have any insight as to what this could be? Or what steps he could take? + +Thanks everyone!",Anxiety +52046,"Anyone have any good experiences with Cymbalta? Thinking about taking it for my GAD. I’ve been on Lexapro for 3 years and it’s not working at all unfortunately. + +What are your experiences with Cymbalta if any?",Anxiety +52579,"buspar higher dose wondering about people experiences going up to higher doses of buspar (im on an ssri too)...ive been at 15-20mg/day for years- but still not 100% sure it really helps that much when my anxiety is bad. and its really bad lately- want to avoid benzos, but seriously need some extra relief. + +so im wondering is going up to 30-60mg that much different than lower doses or maybe i should look into something else. + +ps-my psych takes things very slowly and only does small increases, so finding this out first hand may take a while...",Anxiety +177,I really can't be told to just listen to it for hours. Immediately anxious innate.,Anxiety +52215,Anxiety about being a share house So I'm a pretty anxious person but when I'm out and about I can sort of just deal with it. But when I'm at home and living with strangers I find it really hard to come out of my room to just do normal things like cook if they are in the kitchen or going to the bathroom while someone is around. It's really frustrating because I feel like I just sit and fester with it in my room but I just get too anxious to leave. My home is somewhere I need to be most comfortable so I'm finding it a bit debilitating not feeling comfortable. So does anyone have some tips for me to build up the courage to just become a normal roommate. I've tried making conversation with the person I'm living with but they didn't really seem interested so I think that has made more anxious. But yeah if anyone has any help that would be greatly appreciated 😊,Anxiety +34510,"chest pain I'm only 16 and I have occasional tight chest pains on the left side. I've been to a cardiologist for other unrelated things because of an abnormal EKG but it was an abnormality that was no cause for concern. I am a pretty anxious person but sometimes these will come on randomly when i don't feel that worked up. I have gotten a chest X-ray, several 24 hour moniters, stress test, and blood tests. I don't know if its hormonal or what is going on but its pretty scary. The pain is sometimes a dull achey on the left side and sometimes pokey feelings on the opposite side. The pains come and go.. But sometimes i do notice my heart rate going super super fast when I'm stressed or when I get overwhelmed. But I just don't know the cause of these pains. Any advice on how to deal with these.",Anxiety +363,Fucking hate you,Anxiety +553,"A little worried, a lot of broth",Anxiety +35780,"Can getting a cleaning with high frequency equipment at the dentist cause hearing loss? I got my teeth cleaned today, the lady used some loud high frequency tool that sounded like a drill for 10-15 minutes. She joked during the cleaning that this is why she's near deaf. Ever since I've been freaking out that it subtly damaged my hearing.",Anxiety +35736,"Weird bump/crease in the back of my head I have always had a crease in the back of my head but I just felt it and it feels like it's more significant than before. I have gained weight, so its probably that. I googled people with bald heads and some people have this crease while others do not. Is this normal to have??/",Anxiety +285,Why am I so nervous?!!!,Anxiety +51933,"Something is wrong with me... (Trigger warning) I'm becoming numb and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm not diagnosed with anxiety, but I know I have it. Even being aware, I don't feel better. It sucks. I'm a good person. I don't say that a lot but I am. Why is this happening to me? Overthinking every stupid thing, nail-biting, the constant hatred for myself and others. It doesn't help. As a kid, I've always known that something is wrong with me. But I'm too scared to tell my parents because if it's confirmed, it means I'm sick. I am not okay and I want help. But I'm so used to being the person who helps not being helped. I always put on a fake smile and am never in a bad mood; no one suspects it. + +I feel so alone. I should be used to it but ever since I've got friends, I want to spend time with them. It doesn't help because we have a huge fight and I keep overthinking it. I wanted to feel better because I somehow convince myself my feelings are fake and that I'm doing it for attention. So, I took a pathology test, and the result was too much for me. The questions felt so attacking and my stomach hurt every time I clicked a yes or a no. The result was that it is 90 % sure I have anxiety. My stomach dropped seeing that. While I was happy, I was right at some point, I felt retarded. That realization that is actually something wrong with me was horrifying. I don't mean to degrade anyone, but I felt horrible.",Anxiety +35051,"scared of the flu my 2 younger sisters just came down with the flu and now im scared im gonna get it too 🤦🏻‍♀️ at first i honestly wasnt so afraid of getting it as ive been washing my hands and trying to not touch things theyve been touching, but then i messed up by reading about how seemingly healthy people die from complications that came from the flu and ofc, i start to think thats gonna happen to me if i end up catching it, sighhh",Anxiety +91,Please worry until you want to cry,Anxiety +51855,"Set your intention Happy Sunday /r/Anxiety! + +It's everyone's favorite day of the week... Sunday, the last 24 hours before Monday rears its head again. Let this thread be a space to set your intentions, share your goals and concerns, or just check in, about the week ahead.",Anxiety +35620,"I’M [23F] FREAKING THE FUCK OUT -All last week was getting headaches and I never get headaches or have allergies +-Friday and Saturday when sitting down for a while and would stand up my head would feel very heavy, got dizzy and dull pain enough to make we wince. +-Monday morning woke up sucking from my throat a decent amount of blood mixed with my mucus. +-Constantly since Monday morning sucking up either bright red blood streaked all through mucus or just straight up like dime to penny sized black blood clots in mucus. Seriously every couple of minutes sucking it up. Occasionally will stop for 30 minutes or so but always starts up again +-Havent been sick or coughing or had nose bleeds +-Went to doctor on Tuesday they sent me for blood work which still isn’t ready, referred me to and ENT. Saw them today they put a scope down up my nose and down my throat didn’t see anything ordered an XRay of chest and MRI of my brain. X-ray won’t be ready for 24-48 hours and MRI people aren’t even calling me schedule until Monday. Going on four fucking days of spitting up dime to penny sized blood clots and I’m just sitting around here probably fucking dying while I wait on all these tests. +-Did ease up a bit today just smaller bits of bright red and dark black blood throughout the day towards end of day started to turn more brown than red or black and I started to feel better until I just spit up a huge black clot. WHATS HAPPENING ",Anxiety +35419,"How many of you have been triggered by lymph nodes? So I have lived most of my life with anxiety, always taking new faces. On december my uncle died of ALS, and shit was rough, part because he was an amazing uncle and part because that illness is awful. Ever since then I have been suffering health anxiety and just now I am realizing that's what I am feeling. + + + + +In this time I have been convinced that: + + + +* I have ALS, because fuck yeah I do have all the symptoms. + + + +* I have a tumor on my head, my long time sinuses problems are caused by it, also as any other new gen kid my sight has develop some wear and my right eye has astigmatism and myopia, which is normal. + + + +* Last but not least, I have been touching my lymph nodes for fucking 2 months, and they ""don't go away"", which my ENT already said was a normal stuff for me. + + + + +Just now I realized maybe lymph nodes are never that small that if you push hard on your skin they won't be felt, it's said a lymph node with a 1 cm diameter is normal. So I have been probably just pushing real hard on my neck that I always find them ""swollen"".",Anxiety +35023,"Coping Idk if this will be helpful to anyone else but I've been a hypochondriac my whole life, since very young. Over the last year I decided to improve my anxiety problems. I had an experience recently that kind of personified how I went about learning to cope better. Basically, when I was in high school, smoking weed usually gave me panic attacks until after it actually set in. After i took a hit, I had a hard time accepting the reality of the situation, which is the key point I am making here. As I have improved with my anxiety issues over the past year, I took up smoking weed again for a while, with very little anxiety. A couple weeks ago, I smoked more than I usually did, so the set in was much more intense. Although it felt good, I noticed there was some anxiety building up in the back of my mind. I began to panic. But I decided to try just letting go, and accepting the reality of what was happening. No more anxiety, I was able to enjoy the drug. So basically, what worked for me was accepting that something bad may happen to me and I just have to accept that and deal with it.",Anxiety +52876,"Question I have a question, so when i am out in public i feel like everyone is looking at me, but then i start feeling like I’m in a dream, like a lucid dream. I can but i feel like i cant think thoughts and only focus on doing what I’m supposed to do. I also feel like my head is fogged up inside too in public lol. Im not the happiest person to be honest and since maybe half a year ago I’ve stopped caring abt things and when i think of something and it gets a little complicated i just quit thinking abt it, i dont care enough to think about anything for some reason. Can someone please tell me if its anxiety or is there something wrong with me.",Anxiety +52509,I KEEP PANICKING I NEED HELP. I keep worrying about anyersums everyday I know it's not likley but I've had this headache for 7 days I went to the doctor they said I should be fine just take three ibuprofen every night. Then my dad says I'm fine but I have to keep asking and saying I need to go to the er I'm having an anyersum or I need to get a ct scan or mri I'm freaking out everyday to the point where I can't take it anymore its ruining my life I'm so stressed out over some stupid fear of a brain anyersum I need some advice please.,Anxiety +52674,"Klonopin not working? Recently prescribed klonopin for general anxiety/social anxiety and panic disorder. Random facts about how my anxiety- I don’t frequently have panic attacks (couple times a year) but have pretty severe anxiety everyday, from social anxiety to over thinking everything in my life to the point of ruining my day. Also experience nausea before any social setting/event no matter how small, every single time. I also have car anxiety where I do not want to drive and am terrified when I ride with others. + +Been on SSRIS for years, they never work. And when I say don’t work I mean I couldn’t tell you if I was taking a tik tac or my medicine, I genuinely wouldn’t know the difference. Been on lexapro, buspar, Wellbutrin and maybe a few others. My psychiatrist finally decided anxiety is the root, not depression so I don’t need a ssri. + +I’m prescribed .5 a day, half or the whole thing twice a day. Took half of .5 for the first month and tbh I didn’t notice anything. Doctor told me maybe I need to take the full .5 twice a day, so I’ve been doing that and still don’t feel like it’s doing much. Am I immune to medications lol??? I still have anxious thoughts and feelings, I’ll say though maybe the feeling of nausea before social settings has gone away but other than that I feel like my anxiety is still very present ): + +Side note, very very far fetched side note, a thought that I’ve had is maybe, just maybe, ADHD is causing my anxiety? And this is why these medications aren’t working? I’ve read adhd can cause anxiety disorders. +Ugh I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me and how to fix it.",Anxiety +34728,"Tons of vegetable oil smoke in my kitchen, read online about how the fumes are toxic? I walked away from some boiling oil for a phone call and came back to find my kitchen filled with smoke, I tried to fix it but was coughing heavily and having trouble seeing. I read online that it is super toxic and now I’m all anxious",Anxiety +34094,"Chest Pain Hello, I have been experiencing this random chest pain on the left and it has been very concerning for me. It started back in June 2017~ random pain that comes and goes and only last for like a few seconds or so. It happens sometimes near center of my chest to the left or upper left near shoulder. It also disappeared and stopped after a few months then came back again in October and disappeared again and came back again. I've been to the doctor and he said my heart beat was fine, blood pressure was fine, blood test turned out normal mostly just need a bit of exercise to lower fat. Doctor said it probably is muscle spasms but does it happen this often? It's getting really annoying and causes me to freak out sometimes.",Anxiety +52145,"Covid second bout anxiety Corona positive again. Sick the whole week already. Now just had a huge panic attack because of my fever. I’m really afraid of high body temperatures, so I started getting hotter and sweating profusely. Went to the balcony in shorts to cool of while calling 911. + +Incredibly lost control here, especially since I started using SSRIs that sort of work. +Luckily I had some downers that calmed me down. + +Life without this would be so much easier. Now I’m afraid of getting pneumonia from my stunt. + +Anxiety sucks.",Anxiety +35105,"Breast pain / nipple pain Okay, so I am freaking out. I’ve been having come and go nipple discomfort for a few months now... I first noticed it back in October and got an ultrasound that came back all clear. Basically, my right nipple has been feeling weird. The best way I can describe it, is either burning or if I had applied some vapor rub. It comes and goes I haven’t felt it in 2 months but it came back... has anyone felt this before? Im worried about ibc or paget’s . ",Anxiety +35543,Can worrying cause you to feel sick?! plz help does anyone feel as if worrying about getting sick makes them feel as if they are sick??! every time i have something important going on i get terribly afraid I'm going to get sick and instantly feel as if i am sick i cant tell if its a coincedence or if I'm doing this to myself?! ,Anxiety +35553,"What is this?? (Slight NSFW?) I felt something between my inner thigh and groin area, and I found this. I squeezed it a little bit and it drained a smidge. Ever since I did that though, it got bigger and it burns a little. :( +I'm really trying not to believe it's a blood clot. I googled and low and behold... made my anxiety worse. + +[https://imgur.com/a/6EkmIVZ](https://imgur.com/a/6EkmIVZ) +",Anxiety +34219,"Loss of appetite for over a month I believe I got the flu right on Christmas Day, most likely caused by eating extremely spicy popcorn which I have been eating somewhat frequently prior. Went to the ER about 4 days after and got nothing but laughs from the doctor saying there's nothing wrong. Been eating nothing but rice porridge and shredded pork for over a week. I could hold food down but have completely lost the urge to eat since, would occasionally eat out to try and care for my hunger pangs that I think I was having. At first it was difficult to eat or even will myself to eat, got better, then got worse again. At this point, I could hardly eat and have to seriously think about whether or not I am hungry since it's seemingly impossible to tell when it was as easy as a stomach growl before then. 5-6 days ago, I think I got food poisoning, now I absolutely can't eat anything. Got the flu shot maybe 2 days prior and things only seemed to get worse then. Would often puke but wouldn't see food come back out, mostly what looked like saliva (had nothing but rice porridge after all). Went to the doctor's office and was prescribed Ranitidine, the medication may have cause this sense of looming nervousness but it's most likely just me since I've been fine with it every other time after about the second day of taking it or so. Decided that it was now necessary to force feed myself to jumpstart my appetite along with light walking (1-2 miles after each meal or so, I wasn't physically active at all prior, worse since I was bedridden during the flu). I fear that I'm overeating when I've been told to eat 5-6 small meals each day, I've also grown terribly impatient with my recovery seeing as how this has been going on for over a month. I would often feel incredibly miserable and every day I was plagued with anxiety until I decided to force feed myself, I don't care about getting fat anymore, I just want my appetite back, but now I'm starting to fear that I'm going about this the wrong way. The feelings of hopelessness and anxiety have hardly gotten better and while I don't suspect my loss of appetite is due to my anxiety, I can never be too sure. The whole reason why I even had anxiety in the first place was because of how sudden my loss of appetite was, and how I was unable to self diagnose myself since I felt no abdominal pain whatsoever, I'm at a loss as to what's going on with my body. ",Anxiety +34325,"Weird body sensation I've been going through a bad batch of anxiety the past month or so. + +At one point I was so anxious my fight or flight response kicked in for about a week and I've struggled to get rid of all of those symptoms. Which in turn has led me to believe I'm hypomanic which adds to the anxiety. + +Anyways, every once in awhile I'll get this very weird bodily sensation that is very hard to describe. It almost feels like my whole body and head feels numb/tingly but also heavy. It always makes me think of clay stress balls - this association always pops into my head which makes me even more anxious that I'm 'losing my mind'. Or like silly putty when you 'snap' it vs stretch it. The longest it's lasted is a few minutes. But now it happens for maybe a minute at most because instantly I start fretting about what it is and seem to scare myself out of it. + +Could this be related to anxiety, or something deeper? Anyone experience anything similar? Or does it sound like dpdr or a hallucination or the beginnings of mania/psychosis?",Anxiety +35308,"Heart palpitations and pain in chest So, i have heart palpitations constantly, sharp pain in my chest, high heart rate, and A LOT of anxiety. I went to the doctor and did an ekg and checked out as healthy. I hate that i cant shake the feeling that something is seriously wrong with me. Ive had anxiety for about 7 years but havent had to battle with it this much since i was about 17. Anybody have any helpful types on relieving the anxiety? I meditate, take medicine, and sometimes CBD. ",Anxiety +51916,Please help So many thoughts just need a distraction someone please talk to me.,Anxiety +52554,"Is it rude to specifically ask for a male therapist? Edit - First, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I (F 25) live in the UK and our health service is free (well we pay for it with taxes) and I’m nervous about this as it might be that there aren’t many therapists to choose from and for some reason most are female and I don’t want to insult their ability I just struggle to open up to females.",Anxiety +693,"One day you have to reply, you are worried, you are appreciated, you are made to cry, you are underestimated. .Get ready, wae, kuwi kabeh ra kepenak rasane.",Anxiety +35335,"Scared, spotting My period is late, I masturbated doing clitoral stimulation only, I had blood after. I thought maybe it trigged my period. Today it stopped, no blood. It seemed like spotting instead of a period.. I also had spotting in the beginning of the month after clitorial masturbation. It has happened a few times after clitorial masturbation. + + I do have pcos but my periods are normally regular and spotting after masturbation is new. Is this a sign of a gynecological cancer? I'm freaking out and can't get in to see my gyno right away.",Anxiety +51883,"Doctors notes/records Hi just wondering if anybody knows about if doctors think you are drug seeking do they put that on your record? +I went to doctors yesterday, didn’t see my usual GP, it was about spinal pain that radiates up my back, only seems to hurt after physical activity which is weird but concerning to me. The day before appointment I went gym & done some light training on back muscles which really set it off, was painful & felt weird afterwards like weakness in my arms, bit dizzy and just a general weak feeling like really weak and disorientated. She was not helpful at all, basically done a quick op’s check, checked my back briefly & said it seems ok. She said to rest on weekend and see how I go, she said hot water bottle. The more im thinking about my appointment with a her yesterday I get the impression she feels I was drug seeking. I never asked for any drugs but I feel she was misunderstanding me being concerned with trying to get drugs. She said something when I sat down like “you’re looking to discuss pain management” I didn’t really take it in as was really anxious and tired so I said yeah about my spine then proceeded to talk about my concerns, but not once did I say anything about wanting medications/drugs. I’m annoyed now I should of been clear that I would of liked a referral to be checked out or something. I’m on pregabalin for anxiety (it also just happens to be a nerve pain drug) and she said few times about you’ll have review soon with usual GP to see if it’s helping my anxiety and not just about pain management. She also said you’ve only upped dosage 10 days ago. I didn’t really take it in properly at the time but I feel she thinks I was trying to up my dose or get pain meds? I’m worried now that it will be on my notes and I’m also frustrated that I didn’t correct her properly. Any advice or help on this would be appreciated im very anxious about this, I feel I was totally misunderstood and I don’t like the thought of her putting on notes I was looking for pain management or medication to help that. I also noticed as I was leaving she done a frustrated sigh. This experience has made me feel invalidated, misunderstood and made my anxiety and depression worse. I’m struggling mentally very very bad to say the least.",Anxiety +275,"Every night before this night, I always worry about what drama will happen tonight, my baby boy If there's no husband, this is really crazy",Anxiety +51856,"Monthly Check-In Thread Hello everyone! Welcome to the r/Anxiety monthly check-in thread. We want this to serve as casual community chat for anyone who wants to get or stay involved without having to make a full post. Plus you can use this as an easy way to give us feedback on what you like and don't like about the subreddit. + +Our mod team also maintains an official mental health Discord server for people who prefer realtime community, venting, peer support and off topic chat. We hope to see you there! Join link: [https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9](https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9) + +# Checking In + +Let us know what's on your mind! This includes (but is not limited to) any significant life changes/events that have happened recently; an improvement or decrease in your mental health; any upcoming plans that you're looking forward to (or dreading); issues you're dealing with in your own local or extended community; general sources of stress or frustration in your daily life; words of advice or comfort you want to share with everyone; questions/comments/concerns you want to share with the moderators and community regarding the subreddit. + +Thanks and stay safe, + +The r/Anxiety Mod Team",Anxiety +34146,"Ex-Smoker, Fear, and Excessive Research Hi everyone. + +As a health anxiety sufferer, I have an interesting story to share. + +A few years ago, I picked up a habit of smoking hookah. I smoked cigars for a bit as well, throughout the same period. + +I smoked hookah probably between 100 and 200 times in all. + +Once I left my masters program, a few years later I felt a pain in my back. This was my first bout with health anxiety. I couldn't figure out what was causing it, so Googling symptoms led me to lung cancer. + +I thought, ""I smoked, so it could be true."" Then I saw this awful number online: Hookah = 100 Cigarettes, according to various news organizations, citing the WHO. + +This terrified me. I smoked the equivalent of FIVE PACKS every time I smoked?! + +Of course, eventually I found out that lung cancer was not the case. It was a messed up nerve. Physical therapy and some posture fixes, and that particular back pain is more under control. (I also have chronic back pain, I believe as a result of anxiety and a lack of movement.) + +Fast forward a few years. + +At the beginning of this year, I started having a high level of health anxiety after visiting the dermatologist and having some moles removed. (They were dysplastic nevuses - he removed them, but honestly probably didn't even need to.) + +I started freaking out about melanoma, but when I realized I could relatively well see and manage that if it were to happen, as long as I stay vigilant about skin checks and doc checkups, melanoma is not a big threat. + +But then the lung cancer scare came back. + +I frantically tried to understand how much damage had I done. Pack years - how many do I have? 1? 5? 10? + +I've read probably 100 different studies, done a thousand google searches, to understand the connection between hookah smoking and lung cancer. + +Long story short, this led me down a path of compulsively studying. I also went back and reconstructed my year of smoking - down to the day-by-day level. I've requested transaction logs from my bank to see when I was in a particular place - when COULD I have smoked? + +Some of this was actually helpful. I narrowed down my smoking to a possible 215 days, many of which I likely didn't smoke anyway. So I shrunk that fear a bit by looking at the reality. + +Some of the other research I did was helpful, too - looking into the claim of 100-cigarette equivalence revealed that the number stated is referring to the volume of smoke, not necessarily the equivalence of hazard. I can't take a solid guess as to a better number, but the research I've read looks like much less than 100 for an average session. + +Lastly, a lot of this research was NOT helpful, as my interpretation of the research caused me to catastrophize it. + +My setup is a perfect example of what would drive a health anxiety sufferer insane: Reason to believe that something bad could happen (my short-lived smoking habit), ambiguity on the risk (very little research on hookah and its impact on your health), lots of scary media surrounding smoking, and finally my dodgy memory of how often and how much I smoked during that year. + +This is a perfect recipe for fear for a health anxiety sufferer. + +My wife and I had our first son last year. All of this fear has grown into a tragic story where my son loses his father at a young age because his father smoked hookah for a year. This all sounds silly from the outside, but completely plausible from the inside. + +I want to encourage health anxiety sufferers who have analytical brains like me: focus on what is in front of you today. There is nothing you can do to change what happened yesterday. Be aware, but don't ruminate. Look for actions you can take today to be healthy, not reasons why you aren't healthy. + +I'm learning that no matter what risk levels I have, there is nothing I can do to nail that down perfectly, and trying to nail it down keeps rumination and negative thoughts constantly in my head. The what-if questions stay present. The hyperfocusing on what my shortened life would look like - that pervades my mental state. + +Now, today, is the day where I look at what I have and say ""thank you"" for it. Look at my past, and accept it. Look at my risk, and accept it. Look at the future with belief and hope for the best, rather than constantly fearing the worst.",Anxiety +35326,"Can health anxiety cause cold-like symptoms? Hey guys! + +Let me start off by saying that I suffer from pretty strong health anxiety but have recently started therapy to deal with it. + +Three weeks ago, the very week I started therapy, I caught a cold. It was a very difficult week as I pretty much thought I was dying. + +Anyway, it has been two weeks since it has passed and since then, I’ve had pain in my throat on and off, moving in different places in my throat (sometimes the left side, sometimes the right side, sometimes the soft palate, sometimes nothing at all). Yesterday, after being very stressed out about some work things, the pain came back in the right side of my throat pretty strong. This morning I woke up and now the left side is hurting and I have a ton of mucus insiste my nose too. + +Could my brain really be making all of this up? Does anyone suffer from throat pain from health anxiety? + +Sorry for the reassurance post guys, I’m just really tired of thinking about all this and I never google anything because I feel like I’ll start feeling everything I read.",Anxiety +52496,"really want someone to talk to until I can fall asleep im just having anxiety I don’t know why this is like my 3rd post on here in one day but I don’t have anything else +anything is appreciated",Anxiety +34481,Do I have mouth cancer? I've got some white spots in my mouth ( under the lip and inside of a cheek). To be honest I don't have the best hygiene since it happens for me forget to wash my teeth in the morning and I don't do it untill like 3pm. I've also got a strange lump on the left side of my neck(like a swollen lymph) it's not really visible but I can feel it under my skin.,Anxiety +52122,"I hate my anxiety. Anything that will alter/change my life in some way gives me anxiety. +Examples +7-years ago my bf(now husband) and I bought a dog. I cried and cried the first night we got him because i was soo scared of having totake care of anything else besides me. A few weeks later, the anxiety disappeared. I absolutely love my dog. +7-years ago i left my first job after being there for 5 years. I cried and cried. Had so much anxiety leading up to the new interview. Had ssoo much anxiety after being told i was hired. I was terrified of failing, not being able to pay my bills. So much so, that i asked for my job back. But was ghosted because they were upset i had quit in the first place. 7 years later still at this (new)job, its consistent, i make money. I feel secure. And glad i left the place prior. +3years ago i got engaged but wasn’t anxious about anything. Because we halted planning a wedding to buy a house +2 years ago my fiancé and i bought a house. It was fun leading up to the week before closing. The day before i was crying, anxious, scared. I felt like iwas making a mistake. What if we lose the house? What if something happens and we cant afford it because we have a mortgage now. I was fine after a couple days. Im sssoo happy in my home. +8 months ago, i got married. For the 3/4 months leading up to the wedding, i had horrible anxiety. Every single night id have lingering anxiety, some nights better than others, but always there. +The week before the wedding i was a mess, scared of being married, scared of the change. But i am ssoo in love with my fiancé, he is my everything. I couldn’t understand the anxiety because i was happy! The day of the wedding i was emotion filled, i couldnt talk to anyone while getting ready, i was a nervous wreck. Once we left the church i felt ssooo different! I was actually FEELING how i felt. Happy, excited, in love. Not anxious. The reception was amazing! Im soo happy! + +Now-im 29, husband is 30. We are talking about kids. I want them, but im sssooo afraid of the anxiety i know ill have. Im scared of the pregnancy, what if i have a difficult time, what if im anxious like i was for the wedding for all 9months? Im soo scared of giving birth, of the potential postpartum depression, me not connecting. Or what if i dont connect with baby? Idk im already anxious thinking about having an approximate date to get off birth control. Im scared. I brought up adoption but i hate the fact that id rather chose adoption JUST because of the anxiety. I know ill deal with it when the time comes closer to adopt. But it wont be 9months. +Why does my body do this to me. I hate my anxiety. +Who else deals with this? How do you overcome?",Anxiety +35849,"i had some bloodwork this week & last, and now i got my period - is it normal to feel like this, or should i do something? hi, so last week i had some blood taken for a test. and then this past tuesday i had some taken - this one was rough, i almost passed out & threw up. afterwards i felt so gross and tingly and weak. well, i got my period last night. and today i’m back to feeling this tingly weak way - my friend said it’s because they took so much blood and that i’m on my period (which i always have a very heavy flow) and also ik anemic so that doesn’t help lmao. + +but yeah no i feel very shaky and my feet are tingling and are going numb, my hands are tingling, and i’m just exhausted. i was at work earlier and jokingly asked my friend to check my pulse and she said it actually felt faster than a normal pulse. + +is this normal? does it make sense? i called my dr just to be safe and they took what i said out of context and went on a tangent and gave a spiel about periods and how i should visit with an OBGYN (which i’m doing at the end of the month) i just absolutely hate this feeling of tingly and weak and exhausted. is there anything i can do to make it better? or is it just a waiting game?",Anxiety +35777,"Everything triggers my HA Literally everything triggers my health anxiety. I can’t watch TV anymore, I can’t stand my friends telling stories about having a simple cold. I can’t listen to certain songs, I can’t go for runs. Even eating triggers it. I have to watch every worth I say cause I’m scared of jinxing something. I’m so scared of this. Any reassurance I’m gonna be OK is welcome right now.",Anxiety +52571,"I need some desperate help, and maybe some words of advice. Hello, I'm mason and As of lately since the start of grade 11. We where told we basically had to choose are pathway as in our job, or related field anyways as of late I wanted to follow in my uncles path and become a personal investor, and since he's already high up I'd have a job lined up for me as i get outta high school and more, the only catch. "" I knew i had anxiety but ever since i choose what I wanted to do math is now associated with anxiety"" to make it worse I was labeled a troubled kid when i was younger in life so as a result we moved a lot, and I never had a long friendship making me easy targets for people who love drama. So as i was growing I was taking speical classes since I had bad adhd aswell, so I wasn't getting the right credited for really anything in life and was basically labelled a special needs since they never put time into me. as a result i started trying better and Finally was able to upgrade to college level everything in grade 10 keep and keep in mind I was in high school in grade 8 due to this special program, and now they they teach me like any other kid. I've found it very hard to do anything since i grew up getting 1-1 attention, now since High school math is broken and 50% u will most likely never use in real life depending on the career you pick although the one i wanted to get into was ""money related"" I most diffidently don't need trig, etc anyways "" I really need help finding out how to coop with anxiety, this only happens during math aswell, So i know the trigger, and i know hen i clam myself down and I'm very happy before math i do better during math. but for some reason anytime my teacher ignores me for example today "" I rasied my hand to kep my practice quiz checked nobody else had their hand up"" so i wait she see's says one second and goes to 5 different people none of them had their hands out and forgot that i eveen asked so i promptly left teh class and went outside to get air or i was gonna start crying for the stress, angry anxiety and everything why are my emotions 10x whenever i'm in math is their even any way to fix this issue?""",Anxiety +34135,"Just venting a bit... Hello guys. + +For the past month or so I’ve been dealing with daily stress from thinking I have something. It started out with weakness and fatigue and stomach and stool issues which I attributed to colorectal cancer. After multiple blood tests and ct scans that found nothing, I made the mistake of looking up my symptoms on doctor google and found als. Ever since (this was early Jan) I’ve been over analyzing every “symptom” I have and haven’t had real peace of mind. It’s taken a huge toll on me mentally and I plan to get help. I’m the last 3 weeks I’ve gone from having twitches all over to burning in my arms to twitching in my hand and now what looks like atrophy in my thenar muscles. I am scared and I just wanted to get it off my chest since my neuro referral won’t come for like another month. + +Things I have going for me: + +1: I am a 23 year old Hispanic male and statistically less probable to get the disease +2: my twitches are widespread, which is uncommon in als. Only recently have they been in my right hand more focused. +3: the “lack of strength” I originally felt isn’t there anymore, nor am I dropping things or have any strength loss that I can see +4: I have gotten back into the gym and can lift things comfortably and well. +5: no family history of neuro diseases +6: this has been going on for a month without affecting my life (other than mentally) + +Things I worry about: + +1: My right hand palm has some visible dents and lines that I feel have gotten more pronounced. This has not resulted in weakness but they seem to have gotten worse. I’ve googled a lot of pictures and compared to friends and family and I havent found any that look like mine. All I’ve found are clearly atrophied which at that point is completely obvious and don’t look like mine. Mine look as though I’m missing muscle strips and crevices. + +2: on the same right hand, the thenar muscles have begun twitching as of 5 days ago. My index finger especially will twitch and jump on its own. Also my right thumb/hand is less flexible than my left. + +Thanks for reading + + +",Anxiety +35049,"Rewilding Helped Me Beat Health Anxiety Hey guys, my personal experience with health anxiety came from seemingly nowhere. One day I had chest pain, and then every day for months after that I dug myself deep into this dark chasm that is health anxiety. At my lowest, I was up till 4 am on WedMD every night, almost got fired from my job, and most importantly - living in chronic PHYSICAL pain. + + +The TLDR of my story is that rather than seeking ""comfort"" (hot baths, heating pads, painkillers), I began to seek ""discomfort"" and that led me to what I now understand as ""rewilding"". + + +Basically, you are reaffirming your body how strong and capable you really are, by exposing yourself to elements that we humans previously had to deal with constantly....long before the days of anxiety lol. + + +Take some cold showers. Go out into the elements for at least 20 minutes a day. Develop a deeper relationship with your breath. + + +If anyone is interested in more information on this, I'll happily write an article, but I'm not an expert, just a practitioner. The man responsible for the term is [Daniel Vitalis](http://www.danielvitalis.com/rewild-yourself-podcast/). + + +But there are others doing similar stuff, such as Wim Hof. + + +Reaffirming to myself that I am strong was the only thing that pulled me out, and it started with seeking discomfort, learning some stoicism, and severing the emotional attachment I had to my physical symptoms. You can do it too. + + +Love +Max ",Anxiety +35377,"Coping Methods Backfired Hi all, just hoping to get some feedback on how to proceed. + +I got an IUD in mid January, and had my follow up ultra sound in February. + +A few weeks after getting the iud, I started feeling this strange twinge in my lower left pelvis. Of course, having gone through this countless times, I began to do what I’ve been working on with my counselor, which is essentially using mindfulness to talk myself off the ledge of thinking I was dying. + +I actually felt relatively calm while I was having my exam, but then my doctor tells me I have a complex cyst on my left ovary, and I felt anxiety come crashing down on me. + +The ultrasound was 2/7 of this year, and since that day, I can’t stop obsessing over this cyst, and I’m determined it’s cancer and that I’m dying. + +My doctor even said it was nothing to stress about, and that I’d have a follow up in 2 months to see if it’s changed/gone away. That hasn’t helped, and I’m still so scared. + +It’s too the point where I’m getting heart palpitations, and every twinge of my body makes me feel like my ovarian cancer has spread to wherever I’m feeling it. + +Anyone have any advice? I feel completely at a loss, because I feel like I can no longer rely on my coping method.",Anxiety +729,It's never too late to take care of yourself if the anxiety created by your own mind doesn't always prove to be true...,Anxiety +236,I like to worry tbtb,Anxiety +34595,"Daily bloody noses, bloody sputum, dry blood in nose, just want someone to clear things up for me. I have bad winter allergies, and recently for the past week my nose has been very dry, i decided to turn on my phone flashlight and shine it in my nose just to see what it looked like. It appears my nasal passages are red and I have dry blood in my nose as well. To be fair i was picking off super-dry boogers which felt as if they were attached to the inside of my nose off, which caused temporary bleeding, but I just want some confirmation. I am a 17 year old kid who just wants to know if i should be concerned or not, I've had 2 nosebleeds today which occurred after blowing my nose (I have been doing that frequently but after looking it up, I've been blowing my nose too hard). If anyone can give me a simple answer on whether or not i should be concerned I would greatly appreciate it, thank you and have a nice day :).",Anxiety +34439,"I'm convinced I may have blood clots in my leg. At the start of the week, the box spring of my bed caved in while I was sleeping. I didn't notice this as I'm a deep sleeper. When I woke up, I realized this and noticed my lower back was in great pain and my right leg felt like it was on the verge of cramping. It wasn't impossible to walk, just difficult, and I assumed it was mostly because of my back. + +A day later, my leg is in great pain and I'm only able to be comfortable in very specific situations. This time, I can only walk a little due to the pain increasing. I still figured it was just some sort of leg cramp waiting to happen, but I kept noticing a pulsating sensation in my thigh and shin. I replaced my box spring and was able to rest, somewhat, even though the pain is very noticeable. + +The morning of the third day, I was woken up by the pain in my leg. I can walk but at this point, it's unbearable. It's as if I'm experiencing a perpetual leg cramp. I look into my symptoms a bit and can no longer shake the fear that I may have developed blood clots after my box spring caved in so I arrange for someone to take me to the hospital (I couldn't drive). This was sheer agony as it has become impossible for me to sit upright. Despite the fact that they recognized I was in great pain, the doctor didn't perform an ultrasound. She told me I had no symptoms of a blood clot and that I just had a muscle spasm. I was prescribed baclofen, meloxicam, and lisinopril *(slightly unrelated, it seems I had high blood pressure on three consecutive visits and apparently this was a cause for concern)*. + +I went home, took the pills, and tried to sleep, thinking all I could do was rest. I wake up a few hours later to find the pain is even worse and my right foot is tingly. I had to get a second opinion. I arrange for a second trip to a different hospital and again, they recognized how much pain I was in and rushed me through. The only problem was...this doctor seemed almost apathetic. I explained the situation and he wanted to know exactly why I thought I have blood clots, and I told him about the numerous articles I read. This prompted a quiet dismissive response (very frustrating because I'm not the type to frantically rush to the hospital out of paranoia alone), and just like the other doctor, he told me I had no symptoms of a blood clot. + +Well...it's the fourth day, I've done nothing but try to rest and now I'm forced to take pain pills, yet I can still feel the pain regardless. What am I supposed to do if I have blood clots? Am I supposed to wait until my leg is the size of a log before it becomes an issue? I mean, shouldn't they have at least checked to be safe?",Anxiety +34184,"Anxiety or genuine heart condition? For the past year or so I have had crippling health anxiety, with it all being related to my heart. The anxiety comes in waves and is usually when I am on my own and not keeping myself busy. The symptoms are so raw and debilitating that I sometimes genuinely think I have a undiagnosed heart condition. Common symptoms include the following: + +- Floating/sinking chest feeling + +- Sudden twinges and sharp pierces that go after 1/2 seconds + +- Increase in heart rate + +- Cold shivers + +- Restlessness (have to get up and walk around) + +- Panic attacks + +- Strange tingling an aching that is always on the left side of chest and resonates to left arm and shoulder blade + +- Dizziness/lightheadednesss + + +I have recently taken up running as a form of exercise three times a week to aid in the alleviation of these symptoms. More often than not, this gives miraculous results and I feel fantastic after every run. Occasionally however, the anxiety kicks in half way through the run and it is a real struggle to continue. Afterwards I have to sit down and try not to panic and think that my heart is going to give out on me. + +Is there anything I can do to combat this anxiety? I am planning to get a blood test and ECG done just to rule out any conditions. I am a 22 y/o male with no family history of heart conditions. I have lightly smoked on and off between the ages of 18-21 but quit around 4 months ago. Any help would be appreciated :)",Anxiety +34906,"Patchy, darkened area on side of the foot Getting paranoid about illnesses such as diabetes with this one. Essentially I have a dry patch of peeling skin on the side of my right foot. It doesn't hurt unless I scratch it. No bleeding and no itching. + +Other foot has no such things. It is winter here. I was thinking of getting skin lotion to treat it. Still...is it potentially serious?",Anxiety +34629,"Anxiety/Antsy 2 weeks Post-Op Septoplasty/Turbinate Reduction - Need Support Hi all! + +First time poser here. I am a healthy 28 y/o Male who recently just had a Septoplasty/Turbinate reduction 15 days ago. I am a very active guy and usually very ""chill"" and outgoing. + +For those of you who don't know what that is, it's for a deviated septum and you have splints up your nose for a week with a ton of congestion and basically can't do anything while recovering but sit at home (I live by myself with family close by). + +Due to the surgery, I was instructed to not be super active for 2-3 weeks (I am a runner and take boxing classes). So far my nose and breathing feels fine and is healing normally, but the past few days I have been experiencing super anxiety/restlessness/antsy behavior that I have never experienced before in my life. Let me explain a bit. + +8 days ago I got the ""splints"" removed from my nose and had a minor complication the day after where my nose bled for 5-6 hours and I went to the ER and they packed it with the most painful ""rhino rocket"" thing up my nose that was the most pain I have experienced in my life. I immediately saw my ENT 6 hours later and she took it out and was pissed they didn't contact her (it was 3am). She said everything looks fine and is healing correctly and gave me the number to call if anything like that happens so she can be contacted. + +I got relief that day and was able to take a nap/sleep but the next day I got a migraine I tried to wait out that kept me up all night but ended up taking my imitrex to relieve it. A few days later I got oral thrush (didn't know until the end of the day on Sunday when my Uncle told me what it was an not super serious) with a swollen uvula where I felt as if there was ""something stuck in my throat"" and driving me crazy. + +On Sunday I think everything just hit me at once: not being able to workout, being cooped up in my house, the whole trauma of the bloody nose incident, the swollen uvula driving me nuts and not healing as fast as I wanted to, living alone with my dog, etc. I started pacing and my mind was racing to the point where I was like do I need to go to the ER for anxiety or do I need to call my doctor? I have no history of anxiety/depression and have never felt this way before. I am not even close to suicidal thoughts or any self-harm. + +I was able to sit with my Dad and talk for a few hours while watching the Red Sox then have Sunday dinner at my grandma's with my whole family and that helped a lot and by the end of Sunday/Monday I was feeling better (though the oral thrush is still annoying). + +Today I had some restlessness/anxiety at work that started resurfacing again like on Sunday but talked to a co-worker who used to struggle big time with it for a bit. + +Is this normal after surgery? Any thoughts/recommendations/words of encouragement?",Anxiety +270,"I've been so restless all day, why is it even though there's nothing... calm after praying, after that, I'm restless again",Anxiety +221,"I'm really scared, nervous every day…",Anxiety +52140,Why do. I always feel like I have a heart issue 🥺 I always feel like I have heart issues. I had a echocardiogram stress test done December. I had few troponin done. I had X-ray done I had another ultrasound done and basic blood work done and all this was from December till early February. Everything was fine but I always feel like cause it's been so long that i might have something now. What's with me...,Anxiety +34963,"Home Remedies for Dehydration Dehydration occurs when your body has lost more fluid than you have taken in. Remaining hydrated is critical to your overall health. Every cell in your body needs water, along with oxygen, to function properly. + +Anyone can become dehydrated, but those at a higher risk include infants, young children, older adults, people with chronic illnesses, endurance athletes and people living at high altitudes. + +Some common causes of dehydration are vigorous exercise in hot weather, diarrhea, vomiting, excessive sweating and increased urination. + +Read the secret tips for : https://www.srisaihospital.com/blog/home-remedies-for-dehydration + +[Sri Sai Super Speciality Hospital](https://www.srisaihospital.com/) + +\#𝟭 𝗛𝗼𝘀𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻 𝗠𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗮𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗼𝗻 + +20 years of 𝗘𝘅𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 & 𝗧𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 + +\#SriSaiHospital #Hospital #blog #Tips #dehydration",Anxiety +35536,"Heart palpitations So I started having heart palpitations when I was younger, got it checked, it was just an atrial flutter so nothing. Last year I was jacked up on caffeine and I'd say a little depressed and I had a stimulant induced panic attach (felt like I was gonna die). Quit caffeine and could workout and everything like normal. A few weeks later I had a night of binge drinking and woke up at 5 am to my heart pounding out of my chest which sent me into another panic attack. Now whenever my heart rate goes up, whether working out or drinking, I start to get anxiety and feel like I'm just gonna drop dead. Has anyone else had this?",Anxiety +34739,weight loss I feel I should mention I've always been underweight with a high metabolism. I was recently sick last week with bronchitis which made me lose my appetite and since I've healed I also have stppped smoking weed. My eating habits are coming back but one thing that is concerning me is over the course of that week and a half I have lost 6-7 pounds. Rationally I know this is because my eating habits have changed when I was sick and because I no longer smoke. I know you guys aren't dieticians but if you'd include tips to regain those lost pounds that'd be much appreciated.,Anxiety +52935,"Scared to start Lexapro I have a crippling anxiety disorder and I’ve been prescribed Lexapro. I have GAD but I’ve noticed my anxiety has always been around my health, especially my heart. It’s gotten so bad that I barely leave the house and I’m afraid to exert myself which is depressing because I used to be a gym rat and exercising was what I used to do help cope with my anxiety but that’s not something I can do anymore, Atleast In my mind I can’t. This has really intensified over this past year after dealing with multiple panic attacks that have landed me in the ER and I’ve been getting a bunch of physical symptoms constantly that does not help with my worrying. I’ve had many tests done and the doctors are very reassured that I’m healthy. My Doc believes the Lexapro will help me but I can’t seem to find the courage to take it. I’m just so terrified of it, I’d really appreciate some encouragement to start my meds because I high key hate living like this .😭",Anxiety +34061,"Pupil size I’m a 30 year old female, and just noticed a difference in pupil size. It’s only in dim light and I’ve been to the optometrist 2 times everything looks fine and I have 20/20 vision she said it was so small she didn’t notice it until I mentioned it. But obviously still have been anxious and checking in the mirror nonstop. I got a horrible stiff neck back in June and have had a kink in my neck since- I’m also a long distance walker 10miles 4X a week and have been told this can be because of hip stuff. I have had blood work and everything is fine. But I’m convinced I have a spinal or brain tumor, it’s been hard for me to concentrate on information ( probably because I’m preoccupied with anxiety) and I’m dizzy but I can’t tell if I’m making that up too. Feeling crummy and pretty shameful. ",Anxiety +34677,"TNF-Alpha levels increased - PANIC! Hey people, + +Uh I'm sweating from panic. + +I've been experiencing worrisome symptoms in the past 2 months, but I was trying to attribute them to weed withdrawal. + +I just got an email with my TNF-Alpha levels being elevated - and I'm extremely concerned. + +[**8,6** | ↑ 0,0-8,1 ng/l] +Am I correct by assuming that this can't be due to weed withdrawal, and is associated with cancer only? + +Will go to the doctors tomorrow obviosuly, but I really want to know. + +Anyway thanks in advance.",Anxiety +34551,"Stressful, anxiety-ridden past few months So, I just wanted to start off by saying that this community has really helped me to calm down by knowing so many others are going through similar things as myself. Everyone is also so kind and helpful to one another, which is even more reassuring. + +I've always had a little bit of health anxiety since I was a child (e.g. thinking I have appendicitis when I have a pain in my right lower stomach), but for the past several months, I have been in constant panic mode. It all started when I went to the ENT in December, she removed the wax from my ears (which I've had done before), and then a few days later I had intense ringing in my ears, a clogged feeling in my right ear, headaches, and dizziness. I was googling like crazy, which made things even worse. That ringing and googling led to, what I now know were panic attacks in which I was feeling disconnected from the world and having episodes of shaking, like the chills, amongst other symptoms. Long story short and countless ENT visits later where they didn't find anything wrong with me, I then went to the dentist who said I most likely had a TMJ disorder as a result of grinding my teeth, which I thought would make me feel better. But obviously, it didn't, and I just started to get different symptoms instead. + +I have been having a random ""tic"" in my neck in which it will randomly slightly jerk my head. Sometimes I get a little spazz in my leg or my arm as well, and a twitch that will last for a second or two in random body areas. I also have like a ""shaky"" feeling on the inside, which will sometimes lead to my fingers or toes being a little trembly. I recently have been getting floaters in my eyes, which I'm not sure if I've always had them and just never noticed, or if it's something new (my vision has been bad for years). Also, I randomly have ""visual snow,"" which I think I've also had for a while, but was never really concerned about until now. I feel like I am so hyper focused on my body and I just don't know how to get out of this phase. + +I am only 23 and I feel like I am going crazy. I'm in my last year of grad school right now, and currently doing an internship in a hospital for speech pathology. So, not only am I at a super stressful time in my life, but I am around these disorders such as ALS, Parkinson's, MS, etc, and the fact that I see these disorders frequently, makes me even more nervous because they can really happen to anyone! I am caught between that ""1st year medical school"" syndrome thing and going to the doctor to see if there is something to actually be worried about. I stopped googling my symptoms, which has helped a great amount, but this anxiety has not fully gone away. + +For anyone taking the time to read this, thank you. It is a little bit of relief being able to express my feelings instead of keeping them inside.",Anxiety +35299,"Mono nightmare Towards the beginning of 2019 I began feeling something weird in my throat, as if a ball of mucus was stuck there. I thought it was allergies but never took any allergy medication. Fast forward to 1 week ago where I'm following a terrible flipped sleep schedule going to sleep at 10am and waking up at 6pm. I woke up at 4pm one day and was so tired that I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. After getting 9 hours of sleep I still remained tired throughout the day. I assumed it was due to my sudden shift in sleep schedules but the daytime fatigue continued. Eventually, I scheduled a physical exam to see what was going on, all while assuming the absolute worst case scenario. The doctor brought up mono as a possibility but I didn't think much of it. + +&#x200B; + +Again fast forward to today, I receive a call from the doctor saying that my bloodwork came back positive for mono. I was shocked. But for some reason, I've been having a heart/chest pain that pops up for a few seconds at different times throughout the day and almost as it were to perfectly coincide with my diagnosis. Now there are some complications with mono such as heart inflammation however they are said to be quite rare. My hypochondria is immediately assuming that I am one of those rare cases and have developed a viral heart disease. Does anyone have an experience similar to this with mono? I would love to hear about it. ",Anxiety +52487,"Tapering I’ve been on Lexapro since March 5th. On March 19th I started taking 10 mg. I can’t take these side effects, my anxiety has significantly worsened. How do I taper off? Or can I just stop being that it’s only been two weeks? TIA.",Anxiety +34314,"Found a 2cm long ""stick"" in my stool and I'm genuinely concerned Hey everyone, + +So as I mentioned in the title I just had a BM and found this stuff in it. + +I took pictures and I'm freaking out since I'm thinking it's a worm but its straight and not moving. It's about 5mm in diameter. + +Please help + +X-post from r/medical",Anxiety +34960,"HA over some yogurt I just ate I opened up a new container of yogurt today (one of those big 2 lb ones) and when I did, I noticed there was some liquid, as well as tiny holes covering the entire surface - almost as if there were bubbles that gathered on top and then popped leaving behind tiny indentations. + +I’m not so worried about the liquid since that’s common, but I’m wondering what those holes were. I scraped off the top layer and the yogurt underneath seemed fine so I ate it, but now I can’t stop thinking about the possibility it might have been bad. I know I can’t do anything about it now, but my mind keeps fixating on the thought that it wasn’t safe to eat and I’m somehow going to get sick. + +Does anyone have any words of advice that might help to calm my anxiety about this?",Anxiety +34399,"HEALTH ANXIETY SYMPTOMS Hi guys, they said I have health anxiety, but I can't believe them because the symptoms are very real. Sometimes, I don't know if this is really anxiety. I went to hospital a lot of times and they said they don't find anything aside from my tubercolosis. But my doctor said that my TB is just mild and I don't have cough so it's not a reason yet to give me shortness of breath. I also had three ECG's and it all came up normal. + +It is really possible that you wIll just experience anxiety symptoms without any reason? Like I'm just playing computer and suddenly I can't breath. I worry most when I can't breath. YES! I can't breath. It's just suddenly. I;m not anxious about anything then suddenly I can't just breath. THANKS GUYS!",Anxiety +34632,Stomach churning and body twitching This normally doesn't happen to me but if I'm in a class like trig about halfway through my legs start to shake and my stomach starts to churn and it makes me feel like if I don't stand up and do something I'll throw up I know I won't actually vomit so I never do get up but I have to go about 20 minutes of just shaking and feeling like puking. I would try looking it up but I feel like the symptoms are rather specific so if anyone has felt this or knows what's happening then it would help alot.,Anxiety +34786,"Advice on how to cope traveling soon I was doing fine and now this week has been the worst. I feel like I am not me I'm in a fog and on autopilot. Dizziness ears ringing head tension. Convinced myself I won't be here longer. + +I couldn't even get to the grocery store done the street without panicking. I leave in a week for a trip from work and don't know how I'm gonna do it alone. I spend my time mapping out the closest hospital I just cant live like this anymore. I feel like I'm letting my family down ",Anxiety +34934,"Is this health anxiety?! Or something else Hello all, if you take time to read and respond to my post I thank you. + +To begin ive been dealing with health issues since early September (about 4 months now). Could possibly be lyme or something else but the results were not very cut and dry. Ever since these health issss started ive been weighed down by “brain fog” or at least thats how I describe it to doctors. Ive read a bit about brain fog on here but my symptoms seem a bit different, could this still be alk anxiety (most of my doctors have labled this as my issue) + +My symptoms of what i call “brain fog” is mainly visual, things look and seem a bit “off/weird” not exactly blurry but just off. This feeling has been with me before (when i had mono 2 years ago) but it only lasted about 3 weeks, this time has been about 3 months constantly. My other symptoms are daily headaches, dizzy/unstable feeling, a feeling or fuzzy/congestion in my head (not really in sinuses but in head) and just feeling out of it. + +I read a lot on this reddit about not being able to remember things or think clearly/concentrate. I dont have these issues, mine seem to be mainly visual paired with headaches. Is this being caused by my health anxiety? If not do you have any ideas? + +Ive had an MRI, two CT scans and tons of bloodwork done in the last three months. All normal except my lyme came back positive. However after antibiotic treatment and still seeing strange results from bloodwork we are thinking it could be a false positive. I definitely have anxiety about my health (been a rough few months) but I feel like of it was anxiety it wouldn’t be causing these constant all day symptoms! Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks all! Any feedback is amazing.",Anxiety +34267,"I feel like my health anxiety is turning into depression Can anyone relate? I feel like my HA is much better than it used to be, but now I just feel emotionally depressed. Perhaps this just means I’m being more honest and acknowledging my emotions rather than channeling everything into health symptoms and fears? ",Anxiety +52423,"Help for when your anxiety turns physical? I've had panic attacks and such, but one thing that's a bit more off and on is how anxiety affects my stomach. When I had daily stomach pains in elementary school that were unexplained - it now makes sense that it was definitely anxiety brewing. + +I'm going through a period right now where my stomach is just revolting against me. I have the urge to go just about all day every day, and will sometimes go 2-4 times a day (when my usual is once a day), plus it's now usually loose, which wasn't an issue before. + +The only thing I've found to kind of help is Tazo Zen tea. It does ease the stomach upset a bit, but I also can't drink THAT much of it before making myself nauseous/even more sick. How does everyone deal with this in terms of their anxiety? I only have this issue on weekdays when I have work, I'm usually normal on weekends, so it's obviously the anxiety. I just feel tortured by my stomach right now. I also meditate, which only helps for me while I'm actually doing it, so the anxiety comes right back as soon as I open my work computer, basically. + +Anything soothing for the stomach would be great... although I will say, I am currently dieting (wedding in June) and trying to stick to low-point foods/drinks on WW.",Anxiety +34417,"Prostalgene Opiniones: Revolution Treatment of Prostatitis | Spain Prostalgene Opiniones penis is truly created from 2 paired cylinders which are typically called the Corpora Cavernosa. When these sorts of cylinders get disturbed, they expand and are filled up with blood that is responsible for creating the penis laborious during erections. Prostalgene work decreases with the age cluster. Therefore, the thickness and the potential of your erections depend upon the quantity of blood in your cylinders. Read more: http://www.supplementstest.com/prostalgene-opiniones/",Anxiety +103,"Hmm, I don't know what to do, but I'm nervous",Anxiety +35185,"Very small red lump underneath armpit Just a bit of a background I have always been very self conscious of my health from worrying about the smallest symptoms, to convincing myself I had ALS disease. Anyways, today after a good hour and a half workout I noticed right after a slight discomfort underneath my left armpit. I looked to check it out and there was a very small red bump that is somewhat tender to the touch. I don't know if this is just something minor like a pimple, cyst, etc. Keep in mind I stared to mysteriously break out on my face with two pimples just this morning which is quite rare. + +Or could it be a lymph node that has gone rouge. Everywhere else on my body seems normal just this one spot on my armpit. Ive been down this road before in the past, so im not freaking out about anything yet. Just wondering if anyone else in here has had something similar to this?",Anxiety +35033,iPhone flash shining right in your eyes at night? When your pupils are diluted. Could you get permanent or serious temporary blindness due to the pupil letting in more light? or will it just give those flash blindness spots just a bit longer?,Anxiety +683,"I'm nervous, worried but I don't know why",Anxiety +34572,"Has therapy helped you? Hi guys, I just found this sub. I've had health anxiety my whole life, but as of the past year it's gotten so much worse and it's really ruining my life. I feel like I have symptoms of OCD mixed in as well. There is always something I'm worried about, and I suffer from intrusive thoughts regarding exposure to disease/carcinogens/etc extremely often. + +It has given me some kind of solace scrolling through this sub and seeing I'm not alone. I really would like to see a therapist regarding this issue, and I'm wondering if any of you have done the same with positive results. Are any of you prescribed medication as well? I'm not keen on medication but I would take it if deemed necessary. + +TLDR; I'm looking to get professional help. Has professional help helped to effectively treat your issues with health anxiety?",Anxiety +52026,"Does anyone feel anxiety because of some people? (Sorry for the bad english or any grammar mistake :D ) + +I've been dealing with my anxiety since I was 17. Since then, I've been looking for ""triggers"" that makes me feel more anxious. Like a pattern. So I could deal better with it (I dont have any pro help). I've realized that my anxiety gets worse when I have to talk with people. So, I've been trying to better my communication. And Im better, actually. I'm feeling more calm around other people. + +But there is something that it's haunting me since I'm trying to better my anxiety. I realized that there are some people that makes me worse. Sometimes even colleagues. For some reason, when I see them or talk with, I have a bad feeling, a heavy energy, and my anxiety explodes. Because of that, I cant trust on them. And I'm always in the ""alert mode"" when I'm around them. I don't know if this is a problem that my anxiety creates in my mind or if it's something that other people also feels. + +That's why i'm here. I'm trying to understand if the problem is me and my anxiety or them. Anyone feels like this around some people? + +Ps: I cant get away from some of them because of college and my job, unfortunatly :(",Anxiety +35786,"lived in Vermont apartment for over a year, possibly with dangerous radon levels I'm a 28-year-old male, reasonably fit, moved to Montpelier, VT over a year ago. Yesterday at work I overheard two women talking about a tunnel that was cordoned off due to dangerously high radon levels. I did some research, and apparently Montpelier is a death zone with abnormally high levels all across, with the average being a whopping 3.4. + +I'm an introvert and spend a lot of time indoors, horribly afraid of cancer and now I'm convinced I'm going to develop lung cancer. Haven't had the radon levels in my apartment checked, and I can't afford a contractor to do the job right. I heard the free test kits require around nine months to get an accurate reading, and I refuse to wait that long and potentially jeopardizing my health. I have a shitload of work to do and I can't concentrate. I don't feel safe in my house anymore. Is one year of exposure to potentially elevated radon levels enough to develop lung cancer?",Anxiety +35548,"Itchiness when sweating Hi All, + +Hope someone had some advice for this. + +I'm 28 and for the last 10 years plus I have had an issue in the winter months where I get really itchy when I start sweating. + +I can be walking to work, playing football or just in a shop that is too hot and I become unbelievably itchy and have to stop to cool down. + +There is no issue in the summer months. + +Any ideas?",Anxiety +52701,Anxiety and headaches I've had a headache for 6 days and my doctor said today that it's most likley anxiety and stress but I feel like it has to be something worse like an anyersum or stroke. But my dad is saying I need to believe the doctor but it's so hard too it just feels like im dying.,Anxiety +52235,"intense physical anxiety at the exact same time every day? has anyone else had this?? at about 12:00 every single day, school or no school, i get incredibly anxious. usually i can’t identify any kind of thought that may set it off, there’s no logical explanation for it. i just suddenly get really cold, really shaky, my heart races and i get SUPER restless. its starting earlier now than it used to which stresses me out a little since it still pretty much lasts until i go home. has anyone else had this??? i take all my meds in the morning and they’re all extended release:/",Anxiety +52589,boobs or chest pain? this may be a very stupid question but can any ladies feel confusion on whether they’re experiencing chest pain or boob pain? my boobs aren’t too big nor too small but this tension i feel is more towards the top of my chest yet its also apart of my boobs…can anybody help me differentiate or share similar experiences?,Anxiety +34784,"A dip in my neck, not sure what it came from I have had this weird crater/ sunken circle about the size of a quarter right where my jaw meets my neck for about a month. I'm 28, not super active, but not overweight. 5'3"", 126lbs... i guess i'm wondering what it is because it didnt just gradually get there and i've never been hugely overweight so I don't know how likely it is to have loose skin there at my age/ weight? I'm trying to be rational about it without insurance, but I don't know what I can do to see if it improves.",Anxiety +35175,Has anyone tried L Theanine? Just wondering if anyone here with health anxiety has tried L Theanine and if so did it seem to help at all? Looking to try and get off my anti depressants and try something more natural. If you have any other recommendations that’d be great too! ,Anxiety +32,Terooosss nervous huuuu,Anxiety +199,"Usually, if you're restless for a long time, surely after that something will happen or not",Anxiety +52267,"Feel terminally ill but tests are coming back showing nothing Hi I have a feeling that every breath that I take is gonna be my last or that I'm goin to collapse and its crippling me , I cannot walk more than a couple of meters now and have no quality of life I feel so desperate now and hopeless , has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on treatment , ive done brain scan , heart scans etc and they are coming back clear , any help at this stage would really appreciated as I don't how much more of this I can take and I have a young family",Anxiety +35494,Worried I have ovarian cancer. The more I'm on social media the more I hear about 'silent killer' cancers. I read that a common symptom of ovarian cancer is being bloated and feeling full quickly. I feel full a lot and never really finish my plate and I often have a bloated stomach. I pee pretty frequently too. I just feel so stupid going to a doctor with these sort of symptoms. I also have a fear that a doctor will wrongly say that I'm fine and then I'll be all relax while the cancer spreads inside me. There's so many different types of illnesses to consider and be at risk of. It drives me insane. ,Anxiety +34673,Hantavirus Spooked Me I'm 18 and my dad's place is hopefully on the tail end of a mouse problem. The problem is that his clean up procedure involves just vinyl gloves and bleachwipes. Now the mice live where I sleep and hang out so I can't avoid their leftovers. I Now fear that every ache on my body or any feeling in my chest is an sign that the mice are having their last laugh. On the Brightside my state has had only 3 cases ever and I live in the city so I'd expect mice to be altleast a tad more clean than than the ones in the country.,Anxiety +35526,"Have completely convinced myself I have lung cancer Here are the facts: +I’m 27F, very fit, never smoked, had the radon tested in my house last fall, it wasn’t optimal but was well within safe range, never been exposed to asbestos that i know of, no family history of cancer. About a month ago I started having upper respiratory symptoms, first shortness of breath and chest tightness that led to a cough. then i started having heart palpitations so i went to my PCP. she did an EKG which was normal and listened to my lungs and said they sounded clear. My cough cleared up after a couple days and I started getting back to normal but my anxiety was still nagging at me. + +About a week after my doctor’s visit, I woke up from a nap totally unable to breathe and my blood pressure was very high so I went to the urgent care. they ran the full gambit of tests on me which all came back fine - EKG, blood work, chest x-ray, all normal. The doc said my lungs sounded clear. Figured it was a panic attack. + +I felt okay for a day or two but my heart palpitations persisted and I still felt short of breath. I emailed my doctor and she ordered a bunch more blood tests which have all come back normal except for my blood calcium which was .2 above range. This is freaking me out because I read that high blood calcium can be caused by cancer. I’m doing a 24 hour urine test on Monday and then will have another appointment to talk about the results. I want to ask my doc for a chest CT but I feel so stupid asking for something like that just because I’ve been feeling vaguely out of breath. + +I need someone to look at my situation logically and tell me I’m being ridiculous. This anxiety spiral has totally ruined my life for the past month.",Anxiety +302,"That's if you're worried/worried, the parno is too much. ^^",Anxiety +39,but my heart is still restless even though my mouth is talking,Anxiety +52649,"Anxiety So I just need a bit of reassurance that I am not alone with this and a few tipps if you have. I'm currently holding my first job after uni and during this first year my finances have been a huge trigger for my anxiety. +At the moment I am scared to look at my online banking. Scared that I am not able to cover my basic finances. Of losing that little bit of financial independance and security I have for the first time. I just feel totally unequiped to deal with money.",Anxiety +68,I'm nervous I don't know why. I don't feel calm,Anxiety +52600,"Did I have an anxiety attack? I was backing my vehicle into a parking spot as I usually do and I felt panic out of the blue. I felt as if my vehicle wasn't stopping so I slammed the brakes fearing I was about to hit the vehicle behind me. I had a weird feeling rush through my body and then realized I had already come to a complete stop, my vehicle wasn't moving and I was parked normally at a fair distance from the vehicle behind me. The moment felt like a long time but I believe it was only for a second. + +I consider myself to be a good driver with a clean driving record. I have never been in an accident or have I ever been worried about one. As for the anxiety, I've only ever experienced this while lecturing a large crowd. I have never considered myself as someone who has anxiety.",Anxiety +134,"Anxious alone, sad alone, not having peace",Anxiety +679,Don't worry about yourself,Anxiety +52368,"College is destroying me I am a Med student and currently I am at the worst state I have ever been, my anxiety is the highest ever and I keep having suicidal thoughts. I try to calm down and help myself but I can’t because everyday I have to go to classes because they are mandatory. And every time I go it just keeps me stressed and I can never escape this loop. Unfortunately I have started drinking more alcohol to try to suppress my anxiety but I know this isn’t good. + +I don’t know how long I can keep up, my hopes are that I can keep up till summer and then take a leave of absence for 1-2 years to “fix” myself and figure out what I want to do with my life. + +But I don’t know if I can persevere till summer 😓",Anxiety +35863,I hate having health anxiety so much... Already worry about daily anxiety and adding more health anxiety makes everything worse.... fuck anxiety fuck my brain ugh... i have small lump that's been incide my palate and suddenly I'm worrying its cancer 24/7 and I have lower back pain worrying its kidney related... also I keep urinating and getting dry mouth and blurred vision and mild fatigue I worry I have diabetes.,Anxiety +52086,Meds Help?! 💔 Hi beautiful people. I have pretty bad PTSD with life long anxiety and panic attacks. It is really bad lately and I’m considering medication. I’m a very happy person naturally and have never been bored a day in my life but the flip side of that is feeling EVERYTHING. Hoping you guys can help me. I was on Lexapro a few years ago for one year. I lost my zest for life but it absolutely saved me during a very hard time. I gained a bunch of weight which was not good because I struggle hard with my weight to begin with. Is anyone on something that did not cause them to gain weight but did work? Im just sick of being in constant fear. I quit caffeine and that helped but lately everything is causing me to panic. Please help if you have any experience with meds. Thank you so much!,Anxiety +154,"If you're nervous looking for the best position before going to sleep, it feels like someone's watching you ™„",Anxiety +480,"So often restless in the middle of the night but for no reason, why is this",Anxiety +34409,"I'm worried about my gum I can't sleep. I need help. My lower gum on the right has this little bulge (not really big). I researched and it said tooth abscess. And it said it could cause death. Am I gonna die? I also included my wisdom tooth in the mix, but I can't really differentiate the two. My neck also hurts by the way. Help me.",Anxiety +365,Why so much pressure?,Anxiety +33909,"Final doctor appointment tomorrow, tired of constantly seeking reassurance! Ive decided that Im having my final doctor appointment tomorrow, this is something that has been a huge battle for me, but over the last weeks I have decided that this is the only way I can and will make it out of this anxiety. + + +Here is the deal: I have been experiencing multiple symptoms as mentioned before in other posts, the symptoms have varied from Brain fog, dizzyness, blurred vision, sore throat, swollen tonsils, coating on my tongue (yellow and white) very reduced energy, fatigue and headaches. The thing is that my sore throat and coating on my tongue wont go away, and my doctor said to come back if it didnt fade over time, the other symptoms tend to come and go so Ive kinda figured out that these are my main anxiety symptoms, which is good because then I know when im getting anxious and stressed out! + +Ive been a very heavy caffeine user over the past 2-3 years and ive tried to minimalize the usage of it, as I figured out that i basicly needed caffeine to function at times. Today i used a bigger dosage of caffeine and it really got me feeling off, so I guess i will be dropping it off completely, atleast for now when im feeling anxious and stressed out about my health situation. + +Even though I feel somewhat weak and off, Ive learned a lot from this fear of health problems, and I personally think that it had made me a more strong and better person. Tomorrow I will have my final chat with my doctor and I am ready to accept his word for the truth, hopefully this will take my mind to other places. Its wierd how something as minor as a sore throat lasting for a long time, can make you feel so sure its something serious!",Anxiety +35122,"Abdominal aorta anxiety I can strongly feel my abdominal aorta pulsating. Laying down and standing up. I did a mistake and googled it a few weeks ago and anxiety hit me hard. Even tho it said that aneurysm happens mostly to men over 65, I can't get this out of my mind. + +I am skinny female in my 20's so I think this should be normal but my brain won't believe it.. I went to the doctor who didn't even examine me but just said ""I guess it's normal"". That didn't really help. + +I think I only need to hear that others do feel their pulse in their stomach too and it's normal.. ",Anxiety +52774,"How often do you get anxiety symptoms? Hey i was wondering how often can you get anxiety symptoms, hourly? Once a day? Once a weak? Ive been having this issue but my doctors keep telling me is just anxiety, and i get this every hour of the days + +Lightheaded, Extreme hunger, shortness of breath, vomiting or nausea, my arms start to feel light like feathers or a weird feeling not tingling tho, hot flashes, heart rises, etc, tho my heart doesnt rise constantly only when my symptoms get bad and i get worried, i check my blood sugar and everytime this happens is at 95 mg/dl ive told this to my doc but he keeps telling me is just anxiety, like i said this happens everyhour all the symptoms everyday for a year now and it doesnt go away until i drink juice or sugary stuff but he said that thats my coping mechanism lol, i find out after a long time im insulin resistant but i dont know if this could be the cause. What are your symptoms of anxiety?",Anxiety +34927,"How I overcame health anxiety (read this is your currently struggling) So, i have been wanting to post this here but have been putting it off because this is going to be long so bare with me. If you want to know how I over came this bad disease keep reading, If your ready to recover keep reading. + +It all started when I was 16. Nothing necessarily trigger this other then I got sick one time (fever, body aches), and it had been a few years since I had a check up when my mom said “you need to let me take you to the doctor for a check up because you won’t know if somethings wrong of you don’t”. So when I got sick I decided to google it to see what was wrong, and leukemia was the first thing that popped up. My heart dropped. From that moment I was a google fanatic and thought I had every disease in the book. I suddenly started experiencing symptoms of leukemia like fatigue, and flu like symptoms. + +The after that I was worried I had a brain tumor. I had symptoms of that also, this was the worst one for me I think. I had a buzzing noise in my ear from time to time, blurred vision, fuzzy peripheral vision, headaches, pressure on the top of my head, slurred speech sometimes, nausea at time, etc. it was HORRIBLE. The symptoms were real. I was checked multiple times and I got a clean bill of health. + +Then I worried about skin cancer. I seen a dermatologist who confirmed I do NOT have skin cancer. + +I then found what I thought to be a lump in my abdomen and seen a doctor who said it’s nothing but she ordered a CT with contrast to shut me up. That was clear as well BUT did say I had a very slightly enlarged spleen which could have been caused by mono when I was younger. + +I had many blood panels, EKGS, echocardiograms, CT scans, X-rays, urine tests, I saw a chiropractor, a dermatologist, and many MDs before I finally decided to accept that this was a mental issue and I’m NOT ill. It took me 5 long frustrating, scary, years before I agreed I had an issue with worrying over my health for no good reason. I seen two counselors and they helped, but I knew the change had to be within me! + +I finally accepted the facts. Google is not the most reliable source. In fact, only 42% of the health info found on google IS accurate. So your pretty much seeking reassurance from a uneducated stranger rather then just seeing your dr and trusting their diagnosis. It’s hard to agree these symptoms are in your head, but they ARE! You can make yourself feel all sorts of crazy symptoms, so if you’ve seen a doctor and you have a good report, the only thing you should be googling is Health Anxiety symptoms and making sure your on a reliable website, such as webMD or Mayoclinic. Steer clear of yahoo answers, or any of the other forums that uneducated people post on trying to give advice. In facts, steer clear of google and the web PERIOD! + +Here’s how I done it: + +I scheduled a check up and wrote down ALL of my concerns. I talked to my doctor about my issues with anxiety and how bad I was making myself worry. He told me I need to stay FAR AWAY from google all together and I followed his orders. I had him do a full check up, ekg, blood work, STD testing, you name it just to at last, put my mind at ease. Once that was over and I was confirmed healthy, I started finding stuff to do like working out, surrounding myself with friends, and I got a job! I would leave my phone in the car locked up when I went into work. For a period of time I only used my phone for calls and texts. When i did have the urge to google I’d find something else to do. Like go for a walk and talk to myself about all the tests I’ve had. After ALL of these test, it would be very unlikely something so sinister would be missed! I knew it was mental so I would be easy on myself. Cry if need be. But don’t check for lumps, don’t start Letting your mind wonder, keep yourself occupied at least for the first few weeks. I would set new goals for myself (like school, work, gym). Find someone you trust and talk to them about your problems. Like for me, it was my mother. Work on IMPROVING your health. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, get a good amount of exercise each week, and take a supplement. And most of all remind yourself this is a mental thing when you start to worry and IMMEDIATELY distract yourself. Please keep in mind this is a process, it didn’t get this bad over night so it will not be fixed over night, it will take time. Be patient with yourself. Talk to a counselor if you need to. +🛑STOP POSTING QUESTIONS LOOKING FOR ANSWERS! 🛑 because you won’t find them here, unless your looking for ways to over come anxiety. + +If you believe in God, pray often. If you need medication, take it. + +Personally I never wanted meds because I don’t want to be dependent on them. But if it helps you, take it. If you need a break from work. Take it. Put you first. + +If your scared to see a doctor make the appointment and MAKE yourself go for reassurance. Remember, if (god forbid) something is wrong, It’s better to find out and take care of it then ignore it and it get worse (like, high blood pressure for instance, if you don’t take meds it can potentially eventually damage arteries) but it’s better to fix the problem and move on then to not do anything at all. But no matter what Google is not the answer. + +If anyone needs to talk or has questions feel free to ask me! I am pretty educated in the health field as I’ve done many heard of research as well as school +For registered nursing. I have family in the medical field, so if you feel you need to confide in someone done hesitate to DM me and we can work though this together, I don’t want to see anyone waste years of their life like I did if I can help it! + +Xoxo❤️",Anxiety +34327,"Worried sick. So. I have had health anxiety very bad since I was a kid. Around 22 years of dealing with this since my dad died out of the blue from a heart attack when I was almost 8. + +It ranges from cancer to HIV to ALS and everything in between it seems like. + +So. On Friday last week. I noticed that I had a lymph node under my jaw on my right side that is swollen. So swollen to the point it's visible to me and other people. + +Last night I went to the ER because I was freaking out so bad. They told me I had strep throat and the flu and that's what was causing it. But, I really have symptoms of neither. Other than a few red streaks on my throat I can see with a flashlight. No sore throat, no fever, no cough. + +Should I just trust the doctor? I really just need some calming down here. I trusted him for like 30 mins and then went back to the whole ""well, what if they got it wrong or got my tests mixed up with someone else's thing that I do a lot. I am at my wits end right now. ",Anxiety +34130,"Should i just chill or go to the hospital? Hey, a 18 year old ""man"" who has had health anxiety for a year now. + +So during last week i started getting hot flashes, feeling very hot during certain parts of the day, hot red cheeks also. + +Yesterday i took my body temp and i have a bit fever, but today morning i didnt have at all, and again today when i checked my temp during the evening i had 37.2 C + +II dont have flu though, usually always when ive had fever i have had the flu! + +I feel i like should mention this also: i have anxiety like 3/4 of the days, really hard anxiety and health anxiety also, i always start worrying if i get some type of new feeling. + +What do you guys suggest me to do?",Anxiety +35075,"Am i a hypochondriac? I am a 24 year old female, and would like to preface this by saying that I do actually have a few chronic illnesses that have been diagnosed, one of which is an autoimmune deficiency. As well as severe anxiety with frequent panic attacks. + + That being said, for years now I have been hyper focused on various symptoms my body has displayed that usually end with them disappearing and me forgetting they ever happened. But with every pain or nausea episode I have, I end up spending hours googling symptoms and what they mean. For years now I have put in anywhere from 2-8 hours a day on various medical websites. + +This week alone I have convinced myself that I have: +-ibs +-Crohn's +-breast cancer +-kidney failure +-pregnacy +-kidney stones +-patellafemoral syndrome +-worms +-diabetic ketoacidosis +-an impending heart attack + +I am tired of being scared all the time. I am aware this isn't normal and I haven't even considered that I was a hypochondriac until today. Could that be the cause of these irrational worries? ",Anxiety +287,"I'm so restless, why isn't it",Anxiety +35865,"Super Nervous! So I have health anxiety, but that’s mostly due to the fact that I’ve had a bunch of scary health stuff happen this year. I almost ODed three times (I’m clean now), I got compartment syndrome in my hand and almost had to have it amputated, I had not one but TWO miscarriages, and I found out that I had a small cyst on my uterus...oh and my uterus is tilted. + +So recently I’ve been getting UTIs (I’ve always gotten like 2 per year since I was about 18). I try everything to avoid them. But I went in the other day to get it checked out and the test came back negative. So they think something might be wrong structurally. I’m so nervous that I have PID or ovarian cancer. I keep checking my symptoms. I called out of work because the pain was so bad. And my anxiety is through the roof. My SO keeps getting annoyed with me because I keep googling potential reasons for this. I know it’s not all in my head. I just don’t know how to make other people take my seriously.",Anxiety +52914,"Does anyone else have their anxiety relieved by McDonald's fries???? Sounds stupid, but whenever I feel my anxiety go through the roof and make me nauseunauseouss, McDonald's fries always help ground me for whatever reason...",Anxiety +34192,"DAE get anxiety from medication side effects like drowsiness? So latest health crisis was a fear that i had a kidney infection. my only symptom started last Wednesday with severe lower back pain and my whole back started to feel tense because well i don't know why. Its like i was being very careful not to strain the parts that hurt and as a result tensed up everything else. lower back was even spasming, and i thought for sure kidney. after that thought won, i started getting chills and teeth chattered (this happens when i am terrified during panic attacks too). so last thursday headed straight to my dr. they did not find an infection but saw a little bit of WBC in my urine so they loaded me with antibiotics, muscle relaxers, and a shot of toradol. and prednisone for inflammation. NO fever, nothing, just intense anxiety and lower back pain. I lift weights and mostly do glute work and increased weights last week plus i wear super high heels. anyway, the pain has lessened, but 1) i didn't take the prednisone but today i felt my back tight and painful again so I took HALF a muscle relaxer bc i don't like the out of control drowsiness that it causes. This is the first time ive ever taken one. but i looked up side effects. anyway i took the half at 2 and i feel so sleepy but like scared to sleep. my anxiety has been at a 7 every since i took it. I don't know why? maybe the lack of control, or the fear that ill have a bad reaction??",Anxiety +501,"Body aches, sleepless nights, anxious thoughts, what are the signs?",Anxiety +119,controlling excessive anxiety,Anxiety +35136,"Mitral valve prolapse, anxiety or something else causing these symptoms? Ok so I've been having some issues with my heart for about 6 years (I'm turning 19 this year) and I've been to the cardiologist 3 times. The first time i went i was told i had mitral valve prolapse and that it was nothing to worry about. The second time i actually went to the er because i was experiencing shortness of breath along with a weird pulse and chest/arm pain. The doctor there said it's just anxiety and nothing else and only told me to get some food supplements. After that my symptoms would come and go and about a year and a half i went to the cardiologist i went the first time again. + + This time she told me i have mitral valve prolapse with leakage to the pulmonary valve and a distention of the aorta in the Valsalva sinus (keep in mind I'm trying to translate my doctor's note in English so I might have made some mistakes). + +Anyway after she finished the echo and the heart ultrasound she told that most of the things i experience are due to MVP and anxiety and that I'm okay but that I should also avoid things like coffee and energy drinks. I'm sure she explained things with more detail but my mind was pretty blank due to the constant anxiety I had these days lol. I still have shortness of breath and some pains in the chest and left arm that come and go along with back pains. I also get heart palpitations and a weird heart rate that is sometimes too fast and other times too slow (I went to have a blood test and an ultrasound for my thyroid a month before since my TSH was higher than normal and they came out ok and was told that I should do the tests again after 6 months). + + I just want to know if i should worry about the other notes my doctor wrote despite my mitral valve prolapse and if these symptoms i experience have anything to do with my aorta or the pulmonic valve leakage or even my high thyroid hormone. Maybe my anxiety makes my symptoms seem so serious and I'm reading into this too much..",Anxiety +52778,"My Anxiety remedies Hey y’all I’m a guy who has felt anxiety all his life, it used to be so bad I’d wake up every morning and throw up because I always felt anxious to start the day. That has went away now, although I still feel anxiety especially when I drink high caffeine drinks but I’m kinda used to it, I believe energy drinks and strong coffee has made me get comfortable with that anxious feeling, as well as the fromsoftware games I’d attribute helping me deal with feelings of dread and dispair. I am at the point where I can quell my anxiety fairly easy, I still feel those feelings of anxiousness and dread but I am now comfortable with them.",Anxiety +52303,"I believe Someone really has put a curse on me this year. I wish these past few months were all a joke. Life really said, “Oh, let’s make all these bad things happen to her and see her suffer, yay!” Bonus points because Life made my hereditary anxiety pop out at full force to. + +It first started when my dog started to act not normal. Her head would keep tilting every which way like she was drunk and eventually kept looking at the ceiling. It got so bad to the point where she couldn’t walk or wouldn’t eat anymore. It got worse during the weekend and we don’t have an emergency vet near us so we had to call an on call vet from our clinic to come and look at her. He didn’t really say much about her, just figured that it was neurological. My mom planned to bring her back to her regular vet on Monday so they could further help her. She kept having seizures throughout the day as well and had labored breathing. My mom laid with her on the couch at night and watched the clock, waiting for 7 am to arrive. My dog didn’t make it through the night. She died at 3 in the morning. + +I woke up that morning to my mom and dad telling me that she passed away. I got up out of my bed and quickly walked to the living room because I wanted to be with her. She died laying in her little bed that she loved. My family came and sat around her, crying and telling her that we love her. I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted to say, “Mom, dad, she’s just sleeping she’ll wake up and start barking any minute.” But reality came back and that’s when I knew, this is really happening. + +I went to school the next day. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to stay in my bed all day and sleep. I was so tired. I couldn’t even pay attention to what the professor was saying because I felt numb and detached from reality. After I got out of class I started feeling like I couldn’t breathe. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest hurt bad too. I started to take my anxiety pills again after that. + +I never had anxiety this bad before. I realized it’s not like a cold that you can shake off. It sticks with you everywhere you go for a long time. I started off getting shortness of breath and chest pain. Then it turned into feeling like my skin and heart were on fire and panic attacks that would jolt me awake at night and keep me up until 6 am. It did get better with time once I learned how to manage it. + +A few weeks later I was sending out reminders to my bridesmaids that dress shopping was coming up. I had reminded them months before because I wanted to make sure everyone could be there. I hadn’t heard from one of my bridesmaids in about a month so I reached out to her to see if she was doing ok. She hadn’t given me a response. The next day I asked if she was still coming, no response. On Saturday, we arrived to the boutique to pick out bridesmaid dresses. She didn’t text or call and didn’t show either. She finally texted me the day after telling me she was backing out of being a bridesmaid. I was fine with that but wish she had communicated with me better. + +A few days after that I found a couple of black scuff marks on my car. There’s a little crack by the marks to. Turns out somebody side swiped my car and I didn’t even see it until now. I figured I probably got hit in the college parking lot while I was in class so I called college security and had to meet up with an officer to give them specific time frames to look at in their security camera footage. I’m so sick of people hitting my car. I think my car has gotten hit about 5 times now. I got so anxious about telling my dad. + +I hope Life gives me a break after this. I desperately need one.",Anxiety +33961,"List of Health Anxiety symptoms So let's face it, health anxiety seems to create a whole host of strange symptoms. I've had loads, from heart palpitations, bounding pulse to just feeling like I was about to ""switch off"". So many more but I thought I'd start the list with those, please feel free to add to it. + +I think if we all put symptoms we've experienced down, it's useful to check the list and be like ""oh it's just anxiety"". ",Anxiety +35028,"Been farting I have been farting way more than usual. Recently I have changed my diet a little bit (in a good way) and going to the gym more strictly, but my farts are getting really disgusting and it has been affecting my social life. Please help me, I don’t understand. ",Anxiety +35189,"Anyone know much about alcohol? Ok so similar to a lot of people with anxiety I use alcohol at times to cope with anxiety. Bad I know, but medication didn't work for me. So I've been drinking a fair amount most nights but decided it's definitely time to cut down. + +I have been worried about cutting down in case of fatal withdrawal symptoms, however I haven't had a drink since Friday night and I think I feel fine? Is it possible that I could just have been enjoying alcohol rather than be addicted? I would still like to drink once a week if I could. ",Anxiety +561,why do you like to be nervous for no reason,Anxiety +35005,"Used tap water to rinse sinuses, EXTREMELY anxious about ""brain-eating amoeba"" As the title states, yesterday (\~24 hours ago) I rinsed my nose with tap water. I later read on Google about the rare but possible infection and that it kills within 1 week 97% of the time. EXTREMELY anxious, can't get my mind off it. What do I do?",Anxiety +52550,"Health anxiety I’m a type 1 diabetic and in my teenage years it was a rough time where I fainted multiple times because of low blood sugar, some of them was so bad where I ended in a diabetes coma and other my family was pretty sure that I wouldn’t make it, I could get up in the morning and be completely dizzy not knowing what was going around, I would look at my watch and not understand what time it was, I got mri scanned and everything was fine. While being young and dumb, I didn’t really care and I thought I was immortal living life with 200 kmp even though my body was screaming after a break. + +A few years later in 21, I caught Covid-19 a pretty bad one and I have got asthma afterwards, while being sick with Covid-19 I realized that I wasn’t immortal at all, I realized how vulnerable our body really is, the thoughts started to getting into me from the times I fainted and my covid process. I have become afraid of everything and connects it with heart problems, cancer, brain tumor ect. My body can’t be doing anything before I’m convinced that I’m getting the worst news soon, I’m always prepared to say “I knew it”, it’s driving me insane, the last few months it have been brain tumor that is making me going dumb because of a tension headache even though it’s probably just work related (I’m a teacher) and because I sit and work in different positions that isn’t great for either my neck or back. + +I don’t recognize my self as said before, I have become distend from my friends, I never seen them or talk with them anymore, always finding excuses to not get out of the house, I stopped playing soccer, guess why? Because I’m thinking I will be getting a cardiac arrest if I do so. It have been hard the last 2 years, causing stress, depression and healthy anxiety, not diagnosed yet, only with stress. I know I need help, but how do I get it? I’m not used to getting help, I have solved my own problems ever since I was a kid. Do I just call the doctor and say “hey I think I have a depression and bad health anxiety” or what do I even say? This really sucks..",Anxiety +508,"Then when will I be graduated, my juniors have already arrived. My heart is worried that it's still like this, my best friend has dropped out",Anxiety +35407,"Worried about Toxic Shock Because I’m an irresponsible idiot Thursday I started my period - no big deal there. Friday night my husband and I went out to grab drinks and dinner to celebrate his new job. I had put a tampon in and since it was a light one completely forgot and we had sex. Neither or us felt the tampon probably due to alcohol. Saturday morning comes and I’m off running errands. I put a tampon in on top of the one already in there bc I never sleep with a tampon in so It was habit. I changed it normally throughout the day. When I got into bed at 11pm Saturday night I had a weird feeling I left my tampon in from Friday. I go to the bathroom and I had. I removed it, put a pad on and went to sleep. Now I’m worried sick I’ve got Toxic Shock Syndrome. + +SO yesterday I’m tired which honestly probably was due to a busy weekend and the fact that I get up at 4 am M-F for work. Last night I was nauseous and dizzy falling asleep. However I had just remembered those were symptoms of TSS then started having them. This morning I felt some nausea and a headache. I get frequent headaches from sleeping like an idiot with my neck, but I’m worried because it’s together. Logically the nausea is the fact that I’m presenting to the entire leadership team today at work, but of course I go back to I just have TSS and this is the beginning. I’m so worried and now I’m afraid I’ll blow this presentation. I just started a new role so my health insurance doesn’t kick in until April. I would absolutely go to the doctor or ER if I was certain I had TSS and not just bad anxiety. ",Anxiety +52967,"Benzos don’t work for me anymore?? I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine",Anxiety +34406,"Lymphoma? About a year ago I been to the doctors and asked about these lumps I had it turned out that the doctor said It was cause due to sickness and lymph nodes. I been feeling it through the year and haven’t disappeared yet. Now I looked on the internet and YouTube and it told me that the three places that lymphoma usually occurs is neck, armpit, and near the groin that got me worried that I might have it and I don’t know what to do...... ",Anxiety +52206,"Lyft/Uber help please 🥲 I’m terrified of driving and thus, don’t have a car nor the knowledge of driving in general. I recently stepped way out of my comfort zone and moved to another state with the help of my parents and family, however I need a job. I’m a petite person and literally defenseless lol. + +How can I get a Lyft/Uber ride in the safest way possible? My anxiety is seemingly peaking with everything going on in my life at the moment and this has been the main concern since moving.",Anxiety +34720,Fear of asbestos exposure My boyfriend works in a factory and has worked there for the past year and a half. There is asbestos in the ceiling over a small area that is uncovered and I’m constantly worried that somehow I’ve been exposed to it. Is that even possible? We live together. I’m TERRIFIED of asbestos and I’m always so scared to take deep breaths because of it. Am I being ridiculous? ,Anxiety +52803,"Could this be anxiety? Ok I’m terrified…so basically I was having all these bad symptoms a week ago so I went to the doctor about it she said it was likely related to stress but I don’t think so, I’ll get a pull on my left side of my head that isn’t super painful(sometimes it can be)but feels really uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to move positions or something, I feel off balance quite often, my body feels fidgety or restless, my brain feels foggy all the time, I have muscle twitches all over body quite often, static vision, and this weird floating sensation. Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do cuz I’m so scared rn it’s making life unbearable",Anxiety +52112,"Can having a concussion cause severe GAD? Preface: +23 y.o. male at time of accident + +NYE 2012. I smoked a blunt for the first time, and (the equivalent of) overdosed. Legs felt weak, had to sit down. + +I smoked it in at the bottom of my road, so I sat down on a neighbour so outside wall (roughly 4ft high). Next thing I knew I woke up on the pavement looking up. I later found out from friends that were with me that I had fallen head first onto the concrete sidewalk, from about 4 ft high. I am 99.999999% I had a concussion. + +Anyway, next day, all was fine - no anxiety. Obvious scars and bloody face but nothing else. + +About two weeks later, I decide to play soccer with friends. The ball hit the back of head from behind. I immediately fell to my knees, and from what I remember, was dizzy etc. then it kind of just went. + +15 mins later, we left and had a short walk to the local restaurant. Half way there, I had immense lain in my stomach and groin area. I fell to my knees again on the sidewalk near the restaurant. I then managed to walk to the restaurant and immediately went into the toilet. + +I felt sick, anxious, weird, nauseous, etc. then, cur my first panic attack. + +Even since then, a whole 12 years, I had had Generalized Anxiety Disorder (diagnosed 2013). + +How does that even happen? I don’t understand how hitting my head would cause that? Did I accidentally damage my amygdala/hippocampus when falling? + +Thanks.",Anxiety +35153,Muscle twitches Please help I’m going crazy. Ever since the beginning of December I’ve been having muscle spasms and they’ve gotten worse... I try to tell myself that it’s just anxiety but I’m really afraid that it’s not :( I only notice them when I’m at rest (sitting or laying down) and I don’t think I have muscle weakness ... just really tired and haven’t really been working out. But the muscle twitches ARE ALL OVER MY BODY literally in places I didn’t think I could have them... I’m just really scared it’s als. I have a lot going on so I haven’t gone to the doctor I’m going tomorrow though.. hopefully I will get some answers ,Anxiety +33969,"Hit my head on my faucet yesterday, woke up with a weird headache this morning The headache subsided throughout the day so I didn't think much of it until I took a nap a few hours ago and woke up with the same feeling. Could this be internal bleeding? I don't feel sick or dizzy but now my anxiety is taking over and it's hard to distinguish.",Anxiety +35138,"Strep Throat, I don't know. Good evening, + +So, I just got back from the doctor, as I went because I have a bad sore throat. They looked at my throat for what seemed like 5 seconds with just a tongue depressor and told me that nope, everything is fine. I didn't even get a swab. + +I feel really uneasy after this experience, and while I think it is just a sore throat myself, I almost want to go back, and just ask if I can get a swab or something done. I feel like I was brushed off. + +I'm scared because Strep if left untreated becomes Sepsis, and where I am located I have 2 options, this one clinic (one I visited) or waiting in the hospital. + +I just don't know what to do and I'm getting really worried.",Anxiety +51974,"Do any of you feel restless about living even the simplest way? I’m anxious and worried all the time and I just can’t live like this Hello everyone, new to this community. Just wanted to know if how I feel is felt by someone else around the world. I’m just…tired. And not because of the spring air and everything. This last few months I’ve experienced record anxiety levels and they kind of stopped but it’s a loop, when I least expect it they come back. And for the silliest things too. I can’t enjoy any day anymore because of how bad the situation got. +I’m currently in therapy, I journal, I practice sport and meditate, I try to distract myself but anything seems to work. I’ve tried all the methods, I’ve read thousands of articles. I feel restless and it’s a feeling I’ve been carrying with me for quite a while now. My mind constantly works, elaborates stuffs even when it should shut down. +I used to dream a lot a few months ago, and now all I do is go to bed trying to empty my head before it hits the pillow. +Am I close to a burnout? +I can’t focus on studying because my mind is elsewhere. I just don’t know what to do anymore since I’ve tried everything I could. Do you have any suggestions or pieces of advice? Any techniques to calm the mind down that actually work? Thank you❤️.",Anxiety +34861,"Endocrine pancreas insufficiency concern!!!!! \- So I got diagnosed with IBS, and it was really bad at some point but it has gotten better but still there ( 3 months). What is weird is It gets better whenever i have diarrhea and my body empties out, is that normal first off? Main Problem is that I have a lot of fat in my stool when I have this diarrhea. When the stool is solid I don't see fat in there but who knows maybe. Should this finding be concerning for EPI",Anxiety +34273,"Frequent cold sores (ulcers) on lips and intense fear of Bell’s Palsy returning Hi all, frequently ill and frequently anxious person here. I’m going to be seeing my doctor (again) to ask about this issue but lately (past few months) after a really bad flu that resulted in a mouth full of ulcers and palsy afterward (which I luckily recovered from), I’ve been terrified of this happening again. I feel I have been getting more frequent tiny ulcers on my mouth almost every month or so. It scares me every time I feel a warm bump. I have no idea why they are so much more common now and it’s disheartening (and discouraging - they’re ugly!). And, it scares me that the palsy could return or flare up again as I’ve read that it’s very possible :( + +All of this stresses me out so much and I know that can’t be doing my body any favors. Just wanted some comfort as I try and deal with the fear and the actual physical symptoms.",Anxiety +34469,"Hantavirus Hi all. I have OCD, hypochondria, panic disorder, Cyclothymia, blah blah blah, the whole nine yards. Health anxiety fucks me up like daily, but this week it's been super bad. + +So my fiance and I found a mouse in our room and kept it in a box for a bit because we had just had a bad snowstorm and don't want to put it out there and have it freeze. We've been packing because we're about to move and so we've been kicking stuff up, but haven't found any droppings. Of course after we caught the mouse there were droppings in the box. +Anyway, now about a week and a half later, I have heavy chest pressure, a dry cough, and back pain in the area of pleurisy. I went to medemerge last night and my blood pressure was 98/65, pretty low, but the doctor kept saying how great it was. I was diagnosed with a upper respiratory infection, but she also gave me an antibiotic because my tonsils were pretty big. + +Well this morning I wake up and as I'm brushing my teeth I hack up something black. What the hell?!? I'm freaking out! + +I live in NJ but don't know the Hantavirus facts about NJ.",Anxiety +35687,Can penicillin cause headaches? I've been on penicillin to treat strep throat for a couple days now and I've been getting headaches. Is this normal or should I be worried?,Anxiety +35555,"Swollen lymph node, rash, dermatits and surprise another lymph node today What the fuck is going on with my body? + +In October 2018, my perioral dermatitis flared up again after accidentally eating gluten. It was around the time of the holidays and i was stressed due to major family issues. December comes and I start to notice and itch on the back of my neck. I also notice after I eat a heavy meal, I have this mild pain on the left side under my rib cage. Spleen? January - the rash is a deep red, unbearable itchy, oozing and now paired with a swollen lymph node. + +I change up my diet to vegan because I figured it was keto catching up to me. That helped and the rash slooowwwwllly got better but still lingers. Fast forward to this week - the itch is mostly gone but the lymph node is still there albeit smaller. Yesterday, I finally got my hair done because I couldn't previously with it so itchy. I noticed a deep pimple on the opposing side of my scalp. This morning, I now have a swollen lymph node where the pimple is. I also am hardly eating,not very hungry and have managed to lose around 10lbs in a month but this could be due to vegan, mostly raw diet. + +Of course, I researched online and the worse is coming up - lymphoma. I am absolutely panicked. I've been to a naturopath who put me on a multivitamin, hormone rebalancing herbs, probiotics and a liver cleanse. Help!",Anxiety +35586,"Health Anxiety is a Beast I’m just having one of those nights/weeks/month where the anxiety is piling up. My son was recently diagnosed with a form of epilepsy and my daughter will be starting speech therapy soon, amongst other things going on. I’ve had pretty severe health anxiety over the course of my life (32/f) but this year it seems to be peaking. I’m currently on the tail end of a week long brain tumor worry and I found my self going down the Google rabbit hole again tonight after reading a news article about “silent (brain tumor) symptoms”. It’s been a rough night. I really thought I could see the light at the end of this tunnel. Ah well. Just looking for some support and maybe we can cheer each other up. Thanks for reading if you did! :)",Anxiety +34981,"Urinary retention when I wake up in the morning? When I wake up in the morning to pee, pee doesnt seem to pass right away even though I have the urge. Sometimes i had to sip a bit of water to pass it. However, i pass urine normally during the day. +Has anyone experienced this? I can’t seem to find articles online.",Anxiety +35232,"Bumps along my collarbone. Hello everyone! Recently I noticed that when I run my fingers along my collarbone it is slightly lumpy. Very small lumps, but they’re definitely there. Do you think I should be concerned or is this the case for other people? ",Anxiety +82,"More restless. Hopefully those who are there are okay.... Oh Allah protect him..... Amen, robbal alamin",Anxiety +52414,"How to Move On Why, with health anxiety, is it so difficult to accept things are okay and move on? Say you’ve spent a lot of time worrying about a specific condition and then been given the all clear (found out that everything is normal and you are okay)… why don’t you just feel the relief? + +I find myself, having been “given the all clear” still in mental turmoil, as if all those thoughts and worries are still there and just aren’t sure where to go. + +Does any one else struggle with letting go of these worries even after they “resolve”? + +Any tips for getting there faster? (I am currently on anti depressants to help cope with anxiety).",Anxiety +52776,"Anxiety has ruined me Just a vent tbh . + +I've suffered from anxiety my whole life and as I grow older, I feel my anxiety getting progressively worse instead of better. Ironically even therapy scares me as I'm not really one to ""open up"" in front of others in fear of burdening/boring them. Sounds silly but I almost feel embarrassed paying someone to help me who otherwise wouldnt give me a second thought + +On the topic of skills, I wholeheartedly believe I have 0 skills. I've always been told I'm smart but no one sees how much time and struggle goes behind good grades. When I'm honest about not being intelligent, understandably people think I'm fishing for compliments. Even then I think I just got lucky with good questions and random guesses. Literally no achievement I think I really deserved and was more abt the odds being in my favour. Its all due to subliminals and manifestation rather than talent + +As well, my social skills are horrendous. I'm so awkward w people and can barely keep a convo going with those close to me. I rely on them to start and keep convos going cause I'm just so boring and unfunny. I have an extremely hard time communicating with males too. Idk I completely stiffen up and come across so awkward. I like art but again I'm not talented at it despite so much practice and was rejected from an art school unsurprisingly. I'm learning to drive and after 3 lessons I still can't move a car without sweating buckets, shaking and struggling to control it, even moving off is so challenging. I'm expecting to waste a ton of money due to my incompetence at understanding basic instructions and crippling fear. I'm bad at sports, games , mediocre at cooking and just about everything I've tried. Heck I can't even ride a bike + +I couldn't list a single talent I have. Anything I'm half decent at is a result of 5x the effort generally needed. For example I'm currently writing an essay thats taken me all day to understand and plan when it was only meant to be an hour task. There just doesn't seem to be anything 'redeemable' for me + +My anxiety has made me become more and more closed off from people. I will sit in toilets at school in fear of being looked at. I never contribute to class in fear of being wrong. I sit on the bus with my hood on so I'm not looked at. Even when I briefly had a job, I couldn't work out the basics that everyone learnt in a day. It was very telling that this incompetence wasn't only reflecting in school but other places. Sweating is one of the main symptoms I experience and its created deep rooted insecurities for me + +I can stay somewhat in peace at home but I do have struggles here and there. But obviously its not practical to rely on home for peace as I fear I will completely isolate myself this way + +Does anyone have a similar situation?",Anxiety +52635,"Abdominal guarding? Not sure if that’s the right term, but does anyone find themselves clenching their tummy all the time? I noticed I do it particularly on the left side. I’ve been having anxiety over PVCs, so I’m not sure if I’m subconsciously guarding that side bc it’s near my heart. I know the vagus nerve is mostly afferent (takes info to the brain), and I’m wondering if the guarding could also be sending signals I’m not safe, thus increasing the anxiety I’m experiencing? Any ideas on stopping this other than increasing relaxation, and becoming more aware? Thanks in advance :)",Anxiety +35410,"32 female upper back pain and chest pressure Of course delete if this doesnt belong here. As title suggests I've been experiencing upper back pain (between the shoulder blades) and chest pressure with palpitations for about 8 days now. Some fatigue but no other symptoms. Went to ER on Friday, they did urine and blood samples and a chest xray. All clear. Sent me home with a prescription for Tecta and said it was acid reflux. It very well could be of course, but I've struggled with acid reflux a lot in the past and it doesn't feel like this and has never exhibited itself in the form of upper back pain. Taking pain meds doesn't really relieve the pain and it lasts all day and is worse near the evenings/night. I found taking a hot bath and a massage from my husband can relieve symptoms temporarily (20 mins tops) but it always creeps back. I'm 32 female, 5'1 102lbs, eat relatively well but get little exercise. I am also a long time smoker. Obviously that last point is the most concerning. My GP is generally very dismissive and I don't feel she's going to be much help. Any information at all would be extremely appreciated.",Anxiety +52133,"Circle of Anxiety Anyone just feel trapped in a circle of anxiety? Mine is with my heart and taking my blood pressure. Every time I go to the docs my BP shoots up to like 180/90. The docs typically say it’s probably just white coat syndrome when I tell them about my anxiety. They do suggest that I try taking it at home. Buuuuut I know if I take it at home, I’ll already have worked myself into a state of panic—so it’s going to be high. But then I’m worried because I’m not taking it so I’m anxious hahah. What a cluster. Anyone else relate?",Anxiety +35401,"Afraid of hospital infection Well, I do not want to rationalize my fear of hospital infection; however, if we look at the stats, hospital infection rates are significantly higher than before. I will have an arthroscopic knee debridement surgery, the procedure just needs two 4-8 mm incisions basically. Usually, patient would be discharged after a few hours of waking up or stay one night at hospital in some cases. I know in every surgery there is a chance of infection and I know that my surgery is one of the easiest surgeries available too. However, I am really afraid to get an hospital infection. I had 4 surgeries before, but the nearest one was 7 years ago when I was 17 years old. I am almost 5 inches taller(6""4') and 100 pounds heavier now(300lbs currently). I mean when we put all those things together, these make me anxious. To sum up: +I am really scared of hospital infection even though my surgery is pretty easy and incisions will be just 8 mm max. +I am slightly afraid of anesthesia since my body changed a lot in last 7 years. +What are your thoughts? +Thank you guys! +Have a great sunday! ",Anxiety +35530,"Weird feeling on lower leg, of course I'm convinced it's bone cancer I'm 24 years-old, female, and I've been struggling with HA for around a year now. Mostly I have a hard time with cancer, which brings me here today because I'm freaking out. + +Since Wednesday last week I have this weird feeling below my left knee, in the front of the leg. It generally doesn't hurt when I'm resting or when I'm active, it's just like the skin is hyper sensitive there and when my jeans move against the skin, it hurts. It doesn't even affect my day to day but my anxiety is so over the top that I'm ALWAYS hyper aware of that area of the leg. First my mind jumped to ""maybe it's a cloth"", then it went to ""maybe it's bone pain"", but since I don't know what that feels like, what do I know really? + + +Honestly, I'm just looking to see if someone ever feels weird pains and skin sensations in random places of the body (had something similar awhile ago in my right arm that went away) due to anxiety, since it's not a symptom that I see around much.",Anxiety +34883,"Heads up: Avoid r/twoXchromosomes today If you're prone to pregnancy-related health anxiety like I am, you're gonna wanna do yourself a favor and steer clear of twoXChromosomes today. There's an abortion story that's overall positive but not good feels if you're the paranoid type. Don't make the mistake I did!",Anxiety +52611,"It's been a while but it's back 20M i've been busy with life in a good way for the past 2 months going to the gym 5 times a week and eating healthy starting to like myself again. However, out of nowhere it's back, the feeling that I'm not doing things i should be doing, feeling like the future isn't as bright as i hoped. And I don't know what to do. +I've never spoken to anyone about my anxiety except my friend who is studying in a different country now. I don't know who i can speak to because in my head my problems seem like they're not big enough for me to talk about but yet they have a weird weight on my chest that makes it harder to breath",Anxiety +34016,"Do I have Anxiety or Schizophrenia? 18 - Male - 5'8 - Caucasian - no previous diagnosed medical conditions or medications - but I think I have Social Anxiety and mild GAD. No relatives that I know of with schizophrenia (however my dad is adopted so I can't know for sure) + +I KNOW only a psychiatrist/gp can diagnose me properly. I am asking here to see if it's worth to do so. + +For maybe half a year now I've had constant anxiety of having schizophrenia. It started with me being in school, walking through the corridor and hearing my name being called, even though I know I probably just misheard someone else talking. I went home and googled schiz symptoms, and since then have been constantly worrying about it.. + +Other symptoms - + +Music playing in my head. Can be hard to make it stop. Sometimes when I’ve smoked weed it feels literally impossible to make it stop. + +Constantly repeating conversations in my head, or preparing for future ones. Also, it feels like most of my thoughts are thought of as if im in a conversation, if you understand what I mean by that. + +Auditory hallucinations (?) - Heard my name being called a couple of separate times when walking around town & in school. However, one time at a night club it happened like 5-8 times in one night, (was quite drunk & anxious the day/evening before). It's NOT in a distinct voice, its just someone else next to me who's talking about something completely different, and my brain just misfires and I hear my name instead.. Also, Idk if it counts as hypnagogic hallucinations but when I meditate I, a random word or sentance can pop up in my head, but it can be in a different voice than my own inner monologue - often someone i know. However it really doesn NOT feel like a voice talking to me, more like intrusive thoughts that are in the voice of someone else (but i’m the one thinking?, its not loud or anything) + +Quite often, several times a day, when seeing some random person on the street I recognize someone I know for a split second - then I realize it wasn't them. Saw some interview with a dude with schiz who said this was one of his first symptoms but with cars + +Poor control of my inner monologue. I tend to overanalyze every single thought that I have. Because of this I have somehow caught the habit of thinking- Would someone with schizophrenia do this, or does this mean I have schizophrenia? + +Seeing things out of the corner of my eye. + +Slight sensation that people in school might be talking shit about me (however like 2 seconds after that happens I realize how ridiculous it is) + +I have smoked quite a lot of weed the last 2.5 years but lately have not been smoking much at all. It tends to make my anxiety worse and hyperactive - the last time I smoked when i was walking home i was paranoid about anyone looking at me through windows and when I walked past 2 guys I was convinced they were talking about me. + +No delusions, paranoia (when sober), depersonalization, social life is good etc. I feel ''sane'' but can not stop having thoughts of schizophrenia. + +What do you guys think? I posted a similar post in r/askdocs and r/schizophrenia and most of them said I'm fine, but I'm still extremely scared.",Anxiety +52221,"Anyone else get throbbing pulse with dizziness? Keep getting these waves of feeling warm sick and lightheaded even when I'm laying down. + +Usually when it happens I can feel my pulse in my fingers and my head gets heavy. + +Anyone else get this? Any idea what made it stop?",Anxiety +52030,"Dog walking (animal shelter) anxiety reduction I have been volunteering as dog walking which is helping with my anxiety lately. I had anxiety contributed by family and work. + +You can always check ur nearby shelter for dog walking instead of adopting.",Anxiety +33940,"Wheezing and trouble getting air Damn, hypochondria is driving me crazy. Every little thing that I find wrong with me makes me immediately conclude that I have cancer. + +This time, I have realized that my breath is whistling when I exhale (wheezing). I also feel like I cannot get enough air, and must take deep breaths every 45 seconds or so. This has been going on for roughly three weeks and has not improved. + +Are there minor conditions that could be causing this? I hate hate hate that I automatically assume that I am going to die whenever I discover something like this. Any help would be *greatly* appreciated. ",Anxiety +35803,"Always fighting the feeling to go to the ER. Anyone else? I’m 22, F and have had hypochondria my entire life. Been a lot worse the past 6 or so months. I have the “feeling of impending doom” All. The. Time. It comes in waves of “I’m going to die soon, something is wrong with me”. Anyone else struggle with this, or have success fighting the urge to seek additional opinions? +In the last 6 months alone Ive had 3 EKGs, A chest CT scan, a chest x-ray, a holster monitor, and bloodwork that have all came back normal. I just can’t shake the feeling that they must have missed something. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be sick but I can’t help feel like I am.",Anxiety +543,when you want to travel or do something you must be restless and can't sleep,Anxiety +477,"stop disclaimer depression is easy... depression is sick, it's not good to be tired, mental illness isn't just depression",Anxiety +34763,"A stranger touched my face last night. Very upset and scared. Went to a gay bar yesterday with friends at about 4am last night, around closing time. My friends kind of separated from me, trying to pursue a bartender. I sat at the bar looking at my phone, when another person who was there started talking to me. I didn’t mind at first but then I noticed he was drunk. I, being horrible at small talk, decided to compliment his teeth. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS because he then complimented mine, and grabbed my face in an effort to open my mouth to see my teeth. Luckily he didn’t get his fingers on or in my mouth, but his hands were all over my lower jaw. I struggled to remove his hands off of me, and then that asshole pushed me away. This person was a male probably in his mid 50s. + +On top of feeling like my personal space was totally violated, I have been worried sick about any germs or viruses that could have been on his hands. I have not been at peace since it happened last night. I tried to talk to my friends about it but they were too drunk to care.",Anxiety +35322,"Has anyone had similar lymph node experiences? Hi all, I’ve managed to completely convince myself I’ve got some sort of lymphoma. + +Basically about 3 months ago I noticed my right tonsil had swelled up and the lymph node connected to it under my ear had as well and is hard. + +I saw my GP and they weren’t too concerned and referred me to an ENT. My ENT appointment is in 2 weeks. + +I’ve got myself worried to death that I must have lymphoma. So I’m wondering if anyone else has had any similar experiences with swollen lymph nodes / tonsils, and what it turned out to be? + +Thanks all. ",Anxiety +34597,STD Anxiety I got tested everything came back negative and I felt calm. I still worry that I have some disease that is dormant or that they missed it. I have no reason to believe the girl I had sex with has anything and I guess the thing I’m scared about is HIV and that he chance of it actually being HIV or anything else are super super low. I’m definitely a Hypochondriac and have had Health Anxiety for a long time and I managed it until for some stupid reason I went on google like 30 minutes after the fact and now I’m worried I’m spiraling. Does anyone have any input and or tips for helping me control this anxiety. Also I have had no symptoms for any STDs at all prior to or after the testing. So I’m like 95% sure this is all anxiety. ,Anxiety +34609,"I am going to be on an airplane for 16 hours. My panic attacks and obsessive thoughts on my health are brought on by not having control. Am I completely screwed? Just like the title says. I am going to be on a long plane ride and I am not looking forward to the potential anxiety I will have while in the air. +Last time I was on a plane it was a three hour flight and thought the whole time I was going to have a heart attack in the air and not have any help in a dire health related situation. + +So my question is for all of you hypochondriacs who are often on planes.. how do you push through it without feeling imminent doom?",Anxiety +654,"I'm so nervous, what's wrong?!",Anxiety +52081,"Tiktok makes me have panic attacks I dont know if this goes here, im sorry in advance. + +Every time i open tiktok, theres this tarot lady giving her readings. At first i was like, ok... Maybe its some random thing, but lately this tarot stuff is appearing everywhere on my fyp. + +I have relationship anxiety and general anxiety too (im working on it), and i have a bf. +The thing is, all this tarot readings are, since day one i downloaded the app, saying that my bf doesnt love me or that he's gonna break up with me. I know its not true but they still manage to put me in a anxious state. + +Literally, a couple of mins ago a video of those appeared and well, it gave me a panic attack. + +I dont know what to do anymore, blocking that kind of content is no use and deleting the app isnt a solution too. I've tried it before but those videos start appearing on my instagram and facebook. + +Does anyone have advice? Please.",Anxiety +283,starting to get restless with life's journey like this,Anxiety +34943,"Do you obsess about/only seem to have symptoms for ONE particular problem? I see a lot of users posting about how they experience symptoms for different diseases/problems. I, on the other hand, am focused on one specific issue and the symptoms surrounding that. I rarely consider myself to have something new weekly or monthly. So, when I see posts telling me to write down my symptoms that inevitably come and go, I can’t relate because I’ve had the same problems and concerns for a loooong time. It makes me think maybe this isn’t just anxiety. Anyone else?",Anxiety +35273,"Shin splints persisting for more than a month, dont know if i should wait... + +Hey people. + +Back in december 8th, i had some ankle pain which came after sitting or sleeping, and went away after walking for a bit. This continued until around new years eve and went away. During that, i have been trying to get a faster 5k time, running 2 times a week at a moderate pace. Keeping at it, at january 16th, i ran significantly faster because i increased my cadence from 165 to 180, so i took 4 minues off my 5k. + +The day after, my shin started hurting, a dull ache on the upper 2/3 just outside my shinbone. The pain was very diffuse, and I still have trouble finding out if it is my bone or muscle hurting. However this pain came only when i stood for a long time, and at night. Running on it didnt really change the pain, however I was limping a little bit (a friend pointed it out, he didnt know about it). + +I stopped running on the 22nd january, hoping it would get better, However, the pain persisted. At the 31st of january, I called my doctor and asked for an appointment, she game me one at february 26th, which i think is a long time to wait with this ache, however since it didnt really hurt THAT bad, so i guess i could wait (pain is 3-4 out of 10). + +On february 2nd, i went skiing, and the pain subsided a littlebit, however it has been acompanied with a sharper, more localized pain an inch below my tibial tuberosity, and one to the left of it(PIC: [https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r](https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r)) . I dont know if this is because I have fallen a couple of times (I had many more bruises, but they disapeared 4-5 days after coming home). I came home on the 10th of february, and My pain still persists, i have tried the RICE method, and stretching, nothing works. + +At the point im typing this, I havent run for a long time, and its been 10 days since ive been skiing. The pain has increased this week, and today it is on an all time high. I can still walk, and bike, but it is starting to intefere even more, and the ankle pain has come back too. I to have my legs up for as long time as possible, the last days i have rested 10 hours minimum in the daytime, practicing RICE. + +Should I call my doc to get an earlier appointment? I called her today to ask for advice, based on this story, she assumed it was shin splints and told me to stretch. + +What do you think it is? +I may add that i am a hypochondriac, and somewhere inside me keeps telling me it could be bone cancer, and I really hate that, so I try to stay optimistic, and think about the rarity of it, albeit I am on strong Immunosuppressants. The thought of it being cancer and just assuming it is something else makes me extremely anxious. + +TL;DR: Dull shin pain began after running pb (15th jan), stopped running about a week after, pain persisted, and after 8 days of skiing (1st feb-9th feb), has gotten accompanied by a sharp pain in the bone. (Pic of location: [https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r](https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r)) from friday it started getting worse. I have an appointment on the 26th feb, should i call for an earlier? I am afraid this is more serious than a shin splint, maybe a stress fracture, maybe bone cancer... + +sorry for the long post, i just think a more detailed description helps. I really hope you can help. Thanks for reading. :)",Anxiety +35610,"Health anxiety is affecting my relationships I’ve been a ”worrier” for all my life about everything. Health anxiety is just a part of it. Now I’ve come to the point where it’s starting to negatively affect my relationships especially with my partner. The worst of it being that i got drunk, lost memory for a bit, became convinced that i was taken advantage of and contracted an STD and created a weird situation in my relationship. There was no indication that this had happened, other than a minor cold that i was sure was a symptom of a disease. + +Understandably he is upset and i felt guilty. It was awful and we’re still in the middle of it. This has to serve as a wake up call that my life is so negatively affected by all this. I’ve been festering at home all evening not being able to do anything but worry. My head is in pieces. All i’ve managed is to use reddit as an occasional distraction. I need help, i feel like i’m lost in this. + +The point of my post was to hear success stories of others overcoming these fears and honestly to just find some hope and support. ",Anxiety +35405,"I'm afraid to have any tests done so I don't go to the doctor Hi, things aren't going well + + +I don't know if this is health anxiety related but I have a problem with having any tests done. Where it's not health anxiety is that I know I don't live a healthy lifestyle. My cholesterol was 230 in 2015. I haven't been tested since. I couldn't deal with a diagnosis. I barely make it day to day with my depression and yet I've already diagnosed myself with type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, Grave's disease, sometimes bowel OR colon cancer (sometimes I have bloody stool), a permanent heart defect that I'm convinced I have from taking too much immodium (poor man's methadone) back when I was addicted to opiates. I honestly think I'm dying and I'm only 30. But even though I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, I am sure I have most of those things because my body is slowly turning itself on me. + + +But I think I'd rather die than be diagnosed with anything. I know that sounds insane but I've battled mental health and then later addiction for most of my life. I don't have enough to live for if I have some terrible disease. There would be no real support network. So I don't want a diagnosis if I know I'd rather die than have to deal with it. :-(",Anxiety +51886,"Struggling. Could use some support. Tldr, been medicating and going to therapy for about 2-3 weeks. Feeling better than where I was, but still struggling, mainly at nights. Have health anxiety and hate feeling [insert sensation/feeling here] and if keeps me from sleeping. + +Just really wishing I lived with friends to always be in arms reach of a hug. I need those right now.",Anxiety +52754,"Propanalol Hi guys , so I do suffer from anxiety since a long span of time, but this time around before some exams i decided to consult a doctor. He recommended starting with 40 mg propanalol and I took it for 6 days and was depressed as fuck , I communicated this to him and mentioned that there is no way that I am continuing with it. He somehow agreed and asked me start with 5 mg nexito. After stopping propanalol the depressive episodes subsided but I am having these treomors , shaking and sort of twitching which is extreme and I have never experienced anything of that sort before. I would like to know of people's experiences here in the hope of some insight.",Anxiety +52409,"Coming to terms with anxiety as an adult, looking back it was pretty obvious and nobody talked about it. Hi friends, new poster here. Turns out my entire family suffers from anxiety, and nobody shared this with me. My mom was medicated for it briefly, my dad is medicated for it and also has PTSD, and it runs in both sides of the family. I figured it out in my early 20's and I have been seeing all these things about myself in a new light ever since. Currently suspicious that I might have ocd. + +Something I am frustrated with is that I had a lot of signs and symptoms, but was quieter than my siblings so it got brushed off all the time. In highschool I had one friend, and she was always telling me I was a worrywart, and openly mocked me about things I did. (For example, I could never just cross a street. Had to be with the walk signal, and then I would RUN across it, and one day she made a big deal about it to my face) + +Nobody ever asked WHY. Why I had almost no friends, why I didn't learn to drive until I was almost 30, why I am always going around giving people warnings about their safety. One time I had a complete breakdown after my parents got divorced, which was very rare for me. And my mom said ""she's just being dramatic and wants attention"" and that was the end of that. I was also ""the responsible one"". They just don't have time for my feelings. + +I try to talk to my dad, who seems like the person who would understand the most, and I'll say ""I have been figuring out some stuff about driving and being anxious"" and he will go ""SPEAKING OF ANXIETY AND DRIVING, YOUR SISTER HAS COME ALONG SO FAR IN HER DRIVING!"" Or I will try to tell him I think I might have ocd and he will use this tone of disbelief and try to poke holes in what I'm saying to him. + +Sorry for the long post. I'm just grateful that sometimes I can find places on the internet to talk about it. I don't have the worst anxiety in the world, but it's always there, all the time. I appreciate that you folks are able to take it seriously. Thank you for that.",Anxiety +34157,Tattoo Hey everyone so. I have 3 small tattoos and im planning on getting my 4th here soon. Its a larger piece then the other ones and for some reason i have this fear of passing out. From being in the chair longer. My longest ive been tatted is about an hour. I dont pass out from needles or seeing blood. I sat through getting stitches in my thumb. I just need some tips that i can do to prevent from passing out and to not be worried,Anxiety +35102,"[Light] What illnesses have you thought you had throughout your life? I'll start! Leukemia when I was 6 because I heard a family member died from it, bone cancer at 15 cause I had random sharp pains everywhere, appendix burst at 13 when it was actually my ovary hurting extremely due to my first period that was about to come, brain tumor at 18 due to migraines, psoriasis when it was just a skin fungus, ALS at 16 because my muscles were twitching, MS at 19 because of migraines again, mouth tumor at 11 because I had a sore in my mouth and I saw a documentary, lymphoma and sarcoma at 19 because I had a tiny bump in my neck, sarcoma at 20 because of a lump on my crotch that disappeared 4 days later, brain tumor when I was 16 because I almost fainted due to low iron in blood, melanoma at 17 because a tiny dot appeared on my finger (disappeared 1 month later), unknown skin disease at 18 (spoilers! It was stretch marks), at 15 I thought I was going to have a heart attack soon so I went to the cardiologist (it was anxiety because I liked someone omfg. I flashed my boobs at this doctor for nothing), delayed puberty in mid teens because i'm petite, gangrene at 16 because my toe got infected. Wew! I hope i'm not missing any. Thanks to all of that my father rages whenever I tell him I'm going to the doctor. But this time i'm going to one I actually need: a psychologist. Lol",Anxiety +34329,"Health anxiety for other people After a lifetime of obsessing over my own symptoms (currently “have” colon cancer and/or ovarian cancer, btw), I’m now completely convinced my husband has head and neck cancer. He has been clearing his throat more than usual and is in a risk group for that particular cancer. He’s 37 and otherwise healthy so he’s not dashing off to the doctor, but I now have a strong anxiety response *every time he clears his throat* and I’m making myself and him a nervous wreck. Like, I KNOW he has it, and am envisioning how the entire narrative will play out. What horrible thoughts! + +This is the first I’ve dealt with the hell of health anxiety for other people. I didn’t think it was possible to have any LESS control :( ",Anxiety +35776,"HEALTHVICES + +HEALTHVICES + +IF YOU ARE REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH THEN DON’T EVEN THINK OF IGNORING IT AS IT CAN BE THE MAJOR REASON FOR THE MASSIVE RUSH FOR YOUR HEALTH PROBLEMS OVER IT. + +&#x200B; + +TAKE THE ADVICE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH FROM THE USA TRUSTED DOCTORS. + +&#x200B; + +CHECK THE LINK BELOW AND FIND THE ONE WAY BEST SOLUTION ON ALL THE VARIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS. + +&#x200B; + +STOP SHAKING YOUR LEGS + +BECAUSE ALL THE WAYS ARE NATURAL WAYS. + +AND IT’S BETTER TO TAKE ACTION NOW + +INSTEAD OF REGRETING LATER. + +&#x200B; + +IT INCLUDES VARIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS REGARDING: + +WEIGHT LOSS DIETIERY FOODS + +EYE HEALTH + +MALE ENHANCEMENT + +FAT BURN + +MUSCLE GAIN + +ANXIETY + +KETOSIS AND + +TONNES OF DIFFERENT PROBLEMS + +COMMENT TO ME WITH YOUR DETAILS IF YOUR HEALTH PROBLEM IS NOT MENTIONED IN THE LIST. + +HERE IS THE LINK TO IT: + +[https://b24-hsjavm.bitrix24.com/sites/site/6/view/58/](https://b24-hsjavm.bitrix24.com/sites/site/6/view/58/)",Anxiety +674,"When the swaddle is gone, hand & her legs look restless & nervous",Anxiety +468,"This morning, I'm anxious, anxious, dizzy, dizzy, not nauseous, until all the contents of my stomach are out, my heart is pounding wildly, ah, I'm scared. I wonder what if I die. I'm really scared :'""",Anxiety +35473,"Lung cancer worries I’m 23 female and so worried I have lung cancer. Suddenly had a chesty dough since last week and also got back pain. I’ve been getting breathless for the last couple of months. +I’ve been feeling rubbish for a few months, had sinus issues, post nasal drip, headaches, and I feel like I constantly have depersonalisation/derealisation. I just can’t seem to shake my worries, I’ve been to the doctors loads and had blood tests which were all normal and they just say it’s anxiety. I just feel like rubbish every single day. ",Anxiety +429,"Help! Lately, whenever I meet a lot of people I don't know, I always feel really dizzy, my stomach suddenly feels nauseous, anxious, panicked. How do you solve it? And why is that?",Anxiety +35186,"How can I function? Bit of background. I suffered with anxiety about 4 years ago. General stress induced anxiety and then it spiraled out of control. I convinced myself I had skin cancer and made my doctor check me all over. I am fine but was told to keep an eye on my moles. Ok. No changes in 4 years. Anxiety continued and I took medication for it. Since then I have returned to normality and no longer take meds. + +I have a smear test coming up soon and I don't know how I am going to cope between the test and the results. I know it is going to trigger my health anxiety and I do not know how I will function such as getting up and going to work. 4 years ago I was in such a bad place with my health anxiety I stayed in bed for weeks and was physically sick with worry. + +How can I cope while I wait for the results?",Anxiety +52890,"My mom doesn't believe anxiety is real I finally got the courage to talk to a professional today for my anxiety. I got prescibed medication and I told my mom, expecting she would be glad for me. She was not. + +She got super angry and told me anxiety is not real, and that the medical and drug industries are just a big mafia looking to exploit people for profit. She told me I'm just going to get worse and that the medication will turn me into a lethargic zombie. + +Also she didn't approve that the dr. gave me a 2 week sick leave from work and made me feel bad for ""skipping work"". + +I feel so bad now. Maybe I shouldn't have seeked help after all?",Anxiety +34092,"Health anxiety due to unexplainable scars on face skin In late 2016 I went throught a very bad episode of depression and health anxiety which lasted a couple of months. Managed to tell myself that everything is alright and ignored all kind of twitches/pains that were temporary that use to bring anxious people like me a lot of bad thoughts. + + + +Since around summer 2017 I started noticing small scars and little holes appearing on my face skin for no apparent reason. I have no acnee or other skin condition, I always had clear and clean skin. + + + +I went to a specialist and he couldnt put a diagnose, tested me for some anti-immune stuff which came out fine. + + + +I'm trying to ignore it but every few days a new hole appears and its destroying my face a bit at a time. I think I will soon succumb to the thoughts and lose it again in front of health anxiety. + + + +How do you people put up with apparently minor issues that bug you for long periods without knowing why it happens? Do you just go on about your life?",Anxiety +166,"This is why I can't sleep, I'm so restless...",Anxiety +34187,"Should I be worried about my nose? Hey guys, so on Saturday evening my boyfriend accidentally head butted me right in the nose pretty hard. Leaving aside the dumbness of the situation, it hurt like a motherfucker and it even made a crickly noise when the impact ensued. My head hurt all night and the next day. + +Fortunately there was no bleeding, but it's tuesday and my nose still feels pretty uncomfortable. I'm way too aware of it too, so I constantly notice the pressure my glasses put on my nose and every time i rub my nose a little harder, it hurts :( + +Should I go to a doctor? Could something be broken in there even tho there was no bleeding? I'd like to know I can stop worrying about it if it's no big deal ",Anxiety +34874,"hantavirus?!? hello fellow reddit people. i go over to my boyfriends every weekend and i think it was the 29th of december when i went to start packing, i opened the dresser and seen that the mice chewed through some wood and shit everywhere. one shirt had a massive pile of crap and wood shavings on it and got all through my clothes. so i just started taking them all out except for the one shirt that had the most droppings. i haven’t open the closet till i needed a shirt tuesday, put it on and forgot about the mice poop but i didn’t think much of it. i got really bummed thinking about how pretty much all my clothes were destroyed with mice feces and urine (i’ll admit i let them go for about a week). so last night i put gloves on and put all my clothes in trash bags. i threw away the shirt that had the main crap on it. then i started vacuuming out my drawers with a shirt tied around my neck cause i was scared to breathe it in. then of course i got online and started reading about the virus and began to go into panic mode. i read that if you vacuumed the poop up it can become airborne but i didn’t worry about that until after i started overthinking. i slept two hours because i was so terrified that i was gonna die in my sleep. this morning i got so frightened with getting the ‘hantavirus’ that i immediately went to the ER and they took my blood, urine and an EKG. the tests came back fine turns out i’m just dehydrated. yet my anxiety still is causing me to freak out and constantly thing i have the virus. i’m scared to death (literally). my anxiety is making me think also that they misdiagnosed me which happens a lot with this disease. my boyfriend and many people have reassured me that i’m okay and that i didn’t get the virus yet idk if it’s my anxiety mimicking the symptoms of the virus or what but i’m very positive that i will be dead soon. i just need some opinions from strangers i guess?",Anxiety +35490,Feeling off Does anyone else just wake up feeling off and when the say goes on it doesn't get better and then you start thinking that something is going to happen???? Bc that's me right now. ,Anxiety +476,"If you're nervous, you can't sleep normally.. this one is more fun, can't sleep too :)",Anxiety +34958,"How do I get over exercise anxiety? I haven’t worked out in years and try not to over exert myself too much because I have this fear that I’m somehow going to have a heart attack and die by doing so. Idk if this is normal, but when I do exert myself, I get lightheaded, nauseous, shaky, weak, pins and needles sensations, etc. and it just ignites my HA to the point where I try avoid it at all costs. + +I know exercise anxiety is a common thing among those with HA, but I can’t seem to break through it. It’s even gotten to the point where I will unconsciously make myself breathe lighter, even when not doing any physical activity, just so I can’t hear myself breathing (I guess my brain associates audible breathing with physical exertion??). And then that leads to even more anxiety/symptoms because my respiration gets all screwy from not taking full, deep breaths. + +I really don’t want to go my whole life having these anxieties when most other people don’t even give it a second thought. Is there any way I can get over this? Does anyone have any advice?",Anxiety +35290,"HA Hopelessness I have had health related anxiety issues for the past 5 months, and just when they seem to be getting better and I have a solid week, it all comes crashing down again. + +At the beginning I was convinced that I was going to have a heart attack, then it was a pulmonary embolism, and now I think I have some kind of emphysema or lung cancer (I used to smoke and it haunts me). I can't make it stop, and it seems like once I handle one issue and a doctor clears me, my brain just latches onto another new thing and starts a new cycle of tracking symptoms, googling and doctors appointments. Like jesus fucking christ, enough already! It makes me feel so hopeless and sad, I don't want to go through this every day. It's like my own personal hell loop, because I feel like I can't trust my own brain to make rational decisions about anything. + +How do you all cope with the hopelessness and feeling of being trapped in your own head all the time? At this point the general anxiety about having HA is almost as bad as the HA itself. ",Anxiety +34679,"Mucus in Stool (Incredibly Embarrassing) How much is excess mucus? When I wipe, sometimes there's a little blood mixed in with it. +Searched up, and apparently it's normal for mucus, but if there's more than normal, I should monitor it. How much is extra, though?",Anxiety +34354,"The fear just keeps getting worse and I need some advice Hi all, + +I've had health anxiety ever since I was a little kid,but this past month I have been unable to manage it anymore.I know that what I feel and fear is irrational and improbable, but I can't seem to make myself truly believe this. +Instead, I just keep googling and freak myself out constantly. + + +The past month I've been very paranoid about pregnancy(which is irrational in itself my last sexual contact was in october, and the circumstances made + pregnancy very unlikely),after PCOS treatment completely fucked up my cycles.Two weeks ago, I had an ultrasound to ease my mind and everything came back negative, which relaxed me for a while.But now I can't stop worrying about an ectopic pregnancy that could rupture at any moment and kill me.The doctor only checked my uterus and ovaries,and because of this I worry that she could have missed it if it was ectopic.I've been having a lot of cramps and spasms, pain that goes from my neck to my shoulder and a couple weeks ago I had an episode of really bad sharp abdominal pain that I attributed to bad nutrition and stress. + +I know this probably sounds crazy, but I can't shake the thought that there's a ticking time bomb inside of me.I'm really panicked and I just want to move on.How do I deal with this?",Anxiety +56,why am i nervous,Anxiety +51947,"New to this. Need coping skills Hello, I am new to this community, but I wanted some help. + +I’ll start with some context. I’ve always been a person that throws up and a lot of the time it was when I was nervous. This past year tho it has gotten much worse, with a time where I even went to the hospital because I hadn’t eaten in like 2 days and I felt so physically exhausted and dehydrated. At first I thought it was from weed and something called CHS, but quitting weed didn’t really make a difference. I also have delt with this vommiting in highschool before I would go to a party I would get so nervous I would puke. And that was before I ever touched weed. + +This led me to go to a gastro doctor who said he did not think it was weed related and instead some inflammation in intestines. I’ve been on meds for that for 3 months but it was getting better and I really started to take my anxiety seriously so I went to my doctor and they prescribed me an SSRI. I also will start therapy in a few weeks here. For the past month (after about 1.5 month on SSRI) I have been doing better. I hadn’t thrown up for a month, but these past 2 nights I have had very panic attack like feelings and tonight even pushed me to the point where I had to get up from being comforted by my girlfriend to throw up. And I always feel awful about it and like it’s going to just keep happening and I think I get stuck in that cycle. + +Does anyone have any tips/advice on dealing with this before my therapy appointment I thought I was doing so good but now I’m afraid I’m slipping back.",Anxiety +208,"When you think about it and don't finish it, it feels really restless",Anxiety +52399,Metabolic Endotoxemia: One Root Cause of Many Diseases of Affluence [https://link.chtbl.com/theperfectstool-Reddit](https://link.chtbl.com/theperfectstool-Reddit),Anxiety +35289,My feet/lower legs are always getting this burning itch and now my palms are doing the same... My bloodwork came back saying i’m fine but i’m scared somehow they missed it or something got messed up and i have diabetes or they’ll never find whatever the cause is and i’ll just continue to itch and burn and be uncomfortable forever,Anxiety +34483,"Telling the difference between anxiety and something else? (Upper stomach / throat) So I've had these symptoms for more than a month now...getting close to 2 and I KNOW I'm freaking out about them. Earlier I felt like I couldn't breathe and something might be wrong with my heart and that got all checked out, got normal blood tests, everything was fine and I finally saw my primary care who said my anxiety seemed really bad. So I felt silly for getting over anxious and I have a therapy appointment and a meds appointment and everything to deal with my anxiety. So that's all set to be dealt with. + +That said, everything started in my throat/upper stomach and that hasn't really been checked besides me going ""ahhh"" and doctor's looking down my throat (apparently it looked bad at first, but now looks fine). I'm having discomfort (and some mild pain) in a very specific area right under my breast in the center...front and back...the pain mostly in the back, and discomfort in the front. I burp every time I eat, I never burped before at all and the discomfort is worse when I eat and sometimes relieved when I burp. I have mild nausea. I have mucus in my throat, a white coating on my tongue. And this has been going on for the full 1 month +. + +I'm just not sure...is this just anxiety should I try to ignore it until my therapy appt? Is it indigestion or gas or acid reflux or something mild like that (the primary care guy suggested acid reflux, but I'm been trying various remedies for all this type of stuff and nothing seems to help)? Or should I ask to be checked? My doctor does have an electronic place where I can ask a question but I just feel silly since I KNOW my anxiety is bad and it might just be anxiety. + +I see discomfort in this area can be related to like an ulcer or a hernia so I guess that would be my anxiety but mainly I just hate feeling so uncomfortable and having trouble eating so if there's any possibility it's physical I'd like to get it fixed! + +Does anyone have any advice or similar experience? + +EDIT: So here's what ended up helping my acute anxiety. 1) I stopped Googling. 2) I remembered that while I felt sure I had an ulcer I felt sure a few days ago that I had - anemia - thyroid problems -heart problems and I DID get tested for those...and they were all fine, so it's likely this would turn out fine too even though I FEEL so sure. 3) I distracted myself and tried to do something else. ",Anxiety +35827,"Chest pains, like usual. Howdy! I’m 18 and I suffer from severe Cardiophobia :( I’ve gone to the ER before and had an EKG done, it obviously came out normal. +Wednesday I saw a new primary doctor and brought up my issue with my chest pains, they did an EKG, chest xray, and blood work and everything came out normal (besides my LDL cholesterol which is 11 points high) yet I still can’t get over this??? + +My rational part of my brain thinks it’s chest inflammation and purely muscular issues but my anxiety forces me to believe it’s a heart attack. + + +I also have shortness of breath sometimes (like right now) and I’ve been slightly dizzy lately. + +Is there any way to cope with this? + + +(FYI I have very tense shoulders and I believe I have GERD, I’ll be picking up my prescribed pills for it tomorrow)",Anxiety +425,Nightmares of a few minutes make you anxious and uninspired for days,Anxiety +51973,"Derealization during good times? Does anyone else experience derealization during the good times? For example, Christmas, birthday parties, concerts. Like I tell myself “you need to soak this in” and then it feels like it barely even happened. Is this normal?",Anxiety +556,I feel so restless why are you sorry,Anxiety +34441,"Morning discussion on what stress is and how to take control of it. (NYC) Hey everyone! A friend of mine, Sean Light, is leading a discussion on stress and how to manage it. He is a former health and wellness coach for many pro teams. It is going to be at a wework location on March 24th at 10am. Let me know if you would like to join us. ",Anxiety +34689,"Your honest opinions, please! Ok, so I have struggled with hypochondria for going on three years now. + +Last night, my girlfriend was puppy sitting for a coworker, and I stopped by to bring dinner and hang out with the cute puppy, for a while. + +As puppies do, he was a little bit of a biter, and at one point he got in a little deep just above my elbow on my bicep. I pulled my arm away but it dragged a little bit and drew a little blood, so i assumed it punctured the skin. + +He's only a few months old, and apparently he went to the veterinarian four days ago. I haven't confirmed that he got a rabies vaccination there. I think he would have, but I don't remember what all my dog got when i took him home two years ago. This puppy who bit me came from a shelter. + +So, please tell me honestly: should I be worried about rabies? Should I go to the doctor just in case? I could use a level head's perspective on this.",Anxiety +53042,"I have really bad door anxiety! It's not about being scared I didn't lock the door or something, I'm just really scared of opening doors the wrong way or turning a key the wrong way in front of people or pushing instead of pulling and viceversa, it's honestly debilitating because i feel like I'm gonna die everytime I have to open a door. I wondered if anyone else has the same problem and how to fix it if possible.",Anxiety +52972,"Need Help. New here I have exams fast approaching everything was fine until one day my heart started to beat faster and rapidly and after that for the past 5 days everytime i try to sleep it races so fastly that i gasp for air. +Took an ECG it was normal. +I don't know what to do,feel like i might die in my sleep.",Anxiety +492,"Why is it that I'm CB dreaming this time, I'm really nervous, I don't know why?",Anxiety +34137,"How does tourette syndrome work and what types of ticks are there? Hi reddit, someone approched me today, confiding that they have tourette syndrome. They're tick was that they wanted to hug my foot. Is this normal for tourette syndrome and how do ticks work?",Anxiety +52165,"Week long anxiety attack? Does anyone ever get anxiety, like heart racing, can’t sit still, crying etc for a week then it passes? I’ve always had depression this way but anxiety is new to me. The last time I had to be hospitalized and after a day or two in inpatient I got better but I want to avoid that. Please tell me I’m not the only one! I need support.",Anxiety +52882,"Anxiety dizziness - What does everyone's feel like? This has bee driving me mental for a year now as you can probably tell from my post history. + +Only way I can describe it is I get sudden episodes where I feel sick, like I'm falling, warm rush feeling and tight head then I snap out of it again. + +When it's really bad I almost feel numb and out of my own body like everything's in slow motion. + +Can happen standing sitting laying down. + +Drives me absolutely mental because I just cannot reconcile how anxiety could cause this so I constantly worry it's my heart. + +Anyone else get this? What helped stop it for good?",Anxiety +34163,"brain-eating amoeba??? long story, but i got a septum piercing, and it requires that i clean out my nose with soap and water. i've been using the tap for a couple of days to rinse my nose out, but i realized that i could pose a risk to amoebas in the water. i live in new york, and since it's january i know it's not very likely, but i'm still in a LOT of fear that i've sealed my doom. i'm positive that it hasn't gotten up my sinuses, but can it travel up my nose? ",Anxiety +52214,"Diarrhea, nausea, gag reflex - stressful situations Hey, is there anyone who had these symptoms as a result of stress? I get diarrhea before leaving home if I have to get somewhere by public transport. Before dentist visit I get nausea and gag reflex without vomiting, it lasts all the time and it's destroying my life completely. I can't go to the dentist, I can't go somewhere by public transport, I only feel fine when I know there is a restroom nearby and I will be able to use it whenever I want. My life is a hell. I react bad to all SSRI like my sister she has tried many ssri's for her anxiety disorder and none of them worked correctly - I don't know it's genetic or what but me and she react very similar to them. My GI wants me to start trimebutine, is there anyone who has tried it?",Anxiety +52715,"Feeling weird since I told my friend about my progress. Why? So I think, I don't like to tell people about the hard work I am doing. Ex: waking up early, following a schedule, working out. And a few days ago, I told this friend that I have started following a new schedule. They were thoroughly impressed. But I keep feeling uneasy about it, almos guilty. Has anyone felt this? How do I get over this?",Anxiety +35216,"Sternum Popping and Pain I'm a 31/M. For the past 2-3 weeks my sternum has been audibly popping. Like my wife heard it the other night when we were eating dinner. At first there was no discomfort, but over the past few days pressure builds in the center of my chest causing discomfort. Then my sternum pops and the pain goes away, only to return minutes later. + +I went to the Dr yesterday and got an x-ray and and ECG which she said looked slightly abnormal compared to an ECG I had in 2014. She is sending me to a cardiologist. I don't know my x-ray results yet. My appointment with the cardiologist is Feb 25th. Seems so far away, and I keep thinking, what if I have a heart attack between now and then? I know it's not going to happen, but the fear keeps trying to creep in. The pain isn't terrible or dibilitating, but its enough to cause me anxiety. Im trying not to let it get the best of me but it's hard. Thanks for reading!",Anxiety +35191,"Scared of heart pumping problem My mom developed cardiomyopathy - inadequate pumping due to weakening of the heart muscle, when I was 8 or 9, I'm 21 now. +Since then she's been on medicines and her condition has improved significantly in last 12 years. +A few years ago I started having heart palpitations which were more noticeable after I did some exercise. I was af and my parents took me to the ER but they said it's just anxiety, but as my mom has this condition, I should get it checked out. +We went to the cardiologist the next day who ran some tests like ECG, Echo and bloodwork and everything came out normal. +After a few months I stopped noticing the symptoms, even while exercising. +I still get palpitations when I'm going through a phase of anxiety but rarely otherwise. + +Out of curiosity, I surfed the internet about cardiomyopathy and came to know that a person has 50% chance of inheriting the faulty gene from their affected parent and I'm really scared now. +The articles even mentioned that in some cases the first diagnosis comes to light when a family member dies suddenly, due to cardiac arrest. +I'm really scared now, of developing this disease now or in the near future and I don't really know what I can do about it. + +I want to mention one more thing that my mom's heart pumping has come back to normal but she still takes the medicine because a condition is a condition, so the prognosis is good in her case. ",Anxiety +52623,"Note to self, don’t use r/teenagers or you get creepy dms. So I’ve been trying to answer my dms to try to help my anxiety. It’s just something I started doing because it pushes me out of my comfort zone a bit. I don’t get dms often so I don’t worry too much. + +Anyways got a dm about an hour ago from a dude, real creep, knew from the first message, but that fucked up part of my brain wanted to see where it went for some reason. Anyways, we talked for a bit (i know im an idiot) until he went to the creep zone. I ended up calling him out by saying “you’re weird af. now I know why you have a burner” and just leaving the chat and blocking him but now I’m a bit nervous I did too much. I feel like an idiot because I know that sort of stuff gives me anxiety but I did it anyway. Morbid curiosity got the best of me and now I’m paying the price with anxiety :(. Any advice to calm down. + +I deleted all my recent post on r/teenagers so I should be good but damn, I’m stupid.",Anxiety +35492,"Food related triggers, anyone? Just wondering, does anybody else get food related triggers? I'm currently going through a stage where I'm super worried about developing diabeties. Putting anything with sugar into my mouth can cause my anxiety to skyrocket because my brain can't stop thinking about how that food could be the thing that ends up giving me diabeties. Am I alone in this?",Anxiety +34643,"Worried about getting sick from tattoo ink A couple of years ago I got a big tattoo on my back that's mostly black ink with some red parts. I've since developed severe health anxiety and I'm currently worrying about the toxicity of the ink, specifically the red ink which my tattoo artist said contains cadmium, a known carcinogen. I've read some sensationalist articles that made me really worried, but I've also read more legitimate sources say that there are no reputable studies that link tattoos with long term health issues. I guess I'm just freaking out about the cadmium. + +I mostly just need advice on learning to cope with this anxiety. Thank you.",Anxiety +52696,"Weird fullness in ears Hello I think this is related to my stress/anxiety +Because lately it’s been kinda worse +But I have this weird fullness in my ears, I started freaking out a little earlier and then noticed my ears starting to feel like this, mostly just one but now it’s in two +And they are sensitive to sound like, idk how to explain it +It’s really uncomfortable and it’s making me freak out even more I don’t know what it is or if anyone else is experiencing it, if someone else is experiencing it please reply to this because I hope it’s not just me.",Anxiety +52585,"CBD oil Hi! Is someone here using CBD oil to help with anxiety? +I’m using but I don’t see any results 🥺",Anxiety +35853,"Am I dying Symptoms: +Feeling light headed +Headache pretty bad for 4 days +Half of body is weak and numb +Sweating +Shaking +Numb tongue and face +Really tired all the time +Mood swings + +What is wrong",Anxiety +35450,"Convinced I have MS Hey. I can't seem to calm myself down right now... I've completely convinced myself I have MS.. my HA has been seriously terrible lately. I keep having panic attacks and I have embarrassingly broken down several times this past week at work. This post is long, I'm very sorry. + +I'm a 21 yo female. I've had health anxiety for nearly all my life. For the past few months I've had pain through my left buttock and leg. Went to Dr who said it was pinched sciatic nerve which completely makes sense (my dad has also had the same problem and it sounds exactly like what I have) anyway I still obsessed over it being a blood clot or something serious. Sometimes when I am very stressed, my arms tend to go weak and I shake. I also will feel numb in certain areas of my body. Recently though, the area around the left side of my mouth has felt weak/numb when I'm anxious. I always check in the mirror and it's not drooping or anything. It makes my anxiety go through the roof. I also am very aware of my speaking when this happens and I sometimes feel as if I slur my words. It never lasts very long and usually if I take anxiety medication it goes away fairly quick. However when googling this (I know, I can't keep googling things) like the first result is MS.. I can't shake it... Here are my other symptoms... + +-very tired. I did just start on two anxiety medications so I'm trying to attribute my tiredness to that. +-I'm constantly tense. My jaw is nearly always tight and my shoulders are always up to my ears. +-tight chest/feels like I'm short of breath frequently. I think I'm like.. slightly hyperventilating at all times. +-frequent nausea. +-blurry vision especially at night or after looking at my phone for a long time (having it now unfortunately) +-feeling disconnected +-dizzy when I'm extremely anxious +-i get very itchy on my thighs and on my arms. This has happened all my life. Usually if I'm wearing warm clothes, under a blanket, or I've just taken a hot shower (I've always had this and assumed dry skin but I learned that sometimes MS can cause hot itchiness that is often mirrored on the body) even worse, I noticed yesterday that in the places I've scratched really hard, I've even left small bruises and a few scratches. +-for as long as I can remember, I've had this thing where if I'm laughing really hard I lose my grip (can't hold a pencil or something) idk it's weird +-when I'm anxious (sometimes when I'm not) my hands shake +-ive always been pretty strong but for as long as I can remember, my arms shake like if I'm pouring a pitcher of water or something. +-i have also had excema on my hands for the last few years (Dr said due to stress and excessive hand washing which lines up) but it did start out mirrored +-I watched a video yesterday of a man who had been hardcore dealing with MS fears who went to the doctor and he was fine and all. He listed a few of his symptoms, a lot of which I shared. He also mentioned very weak muscles and twitching along with pins and needles in his limbs. I was thankful I hadn't really had any of that. But seriously just a few hours later, all these symptoms hit. Even worse today. My hands have been jittery the whole time I've typed this.. + + I know there are more symptoms. I'm sorry, this post is a mess. I'm seriously so scared. Lately all I can think about is my health. I'm finding it hard to do basic tasks and function normally. I'm sorry that this was so long. I just wondered if anyone else deals with this.",Anxiety +34176,"Anybody else feel this way? It scares me how there is just a ridiculously large amount of small things that you could do without knowing that you shouldnt, and a large amount of things that could happen to you and its like fuck the human body is just so fragile and I worry that my immense future potential is going to be FUCKED by something stupid like this. About every month something feels wrong with me and I freak out. Sometimes it is just something normal that I wasnt previously aware of, but now that I am aware of it I feel like something wrong + +My psychological speculation is that perhaps I was coddled to much when I was younger so now I just have a poor sense of safety. + +Anybody in the same boat?",Anxiety +34904,"Dizzy after cruise Hey everyone, + +I’ve been on this site for a while now, and I wanted post a question. + +I got back 9 days ago from a 7 day cruise. It was wonderful! No anxiety, I felt like me again :) + +However, since returning, I’ve been swaying and feeling dizzy when walking. I keep telling myself that it’s from the cruise, but it’s been 9 days! + +I don’t seem to feel it when driving or anything else, but mostly when standing or walking. + +I just feel like I’m going crazy and want to cry. It’s been hard focusing on anything else, and whenever I walk, that’s all I think about.",Anxiety +336,why are you so nervous have mixed feelings,Anxiety +35719,"Ugh lymph nodes! Last month I had a swollen lymph node in my armpit, painful but went away in a few days. Today I have ANOTHER swollen lymph node, same armpit different location? Is it affected by hormones, maybe because I'm about to start my period? I hate this, y'all!",Anxiety +35703,"When anxiety kills me anyway. I'm going through the anxiety for a long time and got high blood pressure too.My cardiologist said it's all about anxiety what i really feel so.Then went to my psychiatrist to help me out once again and got some medicine named Esita 10 mg and Tanocab 50mg.last 8 months i took the medicine and still on.It made some kind of help like i got no panic attack and blood pressure is quite normal.But problem is when i take the medicine, i feel like it's not good for my health and then it creates anxiety again.it kills me anyway.Does anybody help me out?well,i'm 26.",Anxiety +52185,"I am now alone at night at a sketchy trainstation and my anxiety is over the roof, i feel like i cant handle this. I (19F) was traveling home from uni for weekend. My jurney consist of long inernationl train and then a 40 minute with small train. My international train was delayed and i missed my conection. Now i am stuck at a sketchy train station with almoust noone here. +The second i stepped out of train i wanted to cry out of anxiety and fear. I am alone in the waiting room with only one man and thats all. For the 15 minutes i am here i am shaking and trying not to cry. + +What doesnt help is the fact that like this morning at a bus stop drunk mane came to me, saind ""hi cutie"" and jokingly pocked me to my lower atomach. I couldnt react fast enough to stoped that but he just walked away. +A random drunk men walked in the station now, bought a ticket and then started to talk random stuff and left. + +I am just so scared, i have to sit here alone for another hour and i feel like i am going to crumble down. I dont know what to do. There is not any safe space i can go and wait. I feel like throwing up and thats not normal. + +Sorry for my english, it is not my first language and i have also realy shaky hans now.",Anxiety +34528,"Extremely scared I have hantavirus I recently unknowingly moved into a mice infestation. So gross. Mice were in my room. Recently, about a week ago, I cleaned up the room. I swept it up. Idk if I swept up any mouse droppings but I'm so goddamn freaked out. Right now, I'm having bad hip pain. Its sharp and generally pinching. Having the same pain in my thighs, back and shoulders, but less frequently. I'm so fucking scared. It's said those are the early signs. Fuuuuck.... in a week or so I will possibly develop extremely bad symptoms. I hope I don't die... fucking hell.. this hip pain is like a 7... too scared Right now. I've been to the ER a few times... nothing yet.. I'm about to cry I'm so fucking scared the mortality rate is damn near 50% (38%) + +Help me cope with my possible impending death",Anxiety +559,I'm so nervous :( I can't stop crying. I still can't believe I'm out of bed again '”,Anxiety +33993,"Are larger jumps in white blood cell counts something to worry about? Quick background info, I (23,m) have been battling a staph infection for a couple years as it’s turning out. However in one month, from December to January, my count when from 6.4 to 10.7. Is this something I should be worrying about?",Anxiety +390,It's too lazy if every day the default is constantly restless for no reason,Anxiety +33913,"This is killing me So i had a bacterial stomach infection(pain in the right side), thought it was appendix. Doctor gave some antibiotics and the pain went away. But that infection gave me health anxiety for life. +I’ve been having excessive gas since a month which is mostly due to stress. I was convinced i had stomach cancer, but no black stools or blood and I’m 20 so doctor ruled that out. +Then i was convinced that my kidney failed, but no. I googled a lot that night and was sure of it, woke up breathless that night.. insomnia took over. +Then i was convinced that i have brain tumor(google is evil), but haven’t really had even a single symptom. + +The only concern now is insomnia, has been a month now, I generally get 6-8 hours a day but wake up once or twice a night, I’m generally a deep sleeper. +Any solutions? +",Anxiety +52836,"anxiety heart symptom does anyone else have this or something similar? what do u do to help it? even if my heart isn’t going fast, it is PUMPING. like i can feel it in my chest, in pretty much my entire body - doesn’t matter if i’m sitting down or standing up, it is beating HARD even when not going fast??",Anxiety +34244,"Im so done Im young and pretty healthy, but I always manage to convince myself that I have something wrong with me. It started with heart problems, then the Ebola outbreak had me checking myself in the mirror everynight to see if my eyes were bleeding and now its cancer. Ive had all sorts of cancers such as testicular cancer, leukemia, skin cancer, bone cancer and now its brain cancer. Im seeing my doctor on tuesday and I know he'll just check me and say theres nothing wrong but I still need to know... Not knowing is probably the worst part for me. Im seeing a therapist but it doesnt seem to be very helpful... also I dont wanna take antidepressants. I cant keep living like this... something has to change. Please help me",Anxiety +34113,Afraid of dying due to flu (pregnant) Hello!! First time poster here. I'm 25 and pregnant with my first child. I started having flu symptoms on Thursday and they cleared up yesterday for the most part. All I have left is a cough and some dizziness. I'm so afraid something will happen to me where I'll die or something because of how deadly this flu is supposed to be. :( am I being silly and am I going to be ok since my fever is gone and I feel mostly better or is there still a chance something weird could happen?? Thank you :0),Anxiety +52560,"Should i be worried about my high blood pressure? I recently have been really struggling with anxiety and started taking Lexapro a week ago. So far I haven’t noticed a benefit from the drug but it’s my understanding it can take up to 6 weeks to work. + +Anyways when I was at the doctor 2 weeks ago my bp was elevated. Since then I’ve been measuring it daily and noticed it’s consistently high (140/90). Now ive got more anxiety worrying that I’ll get a heart attack or something. Just could use some reassuring words. Also is it normal for anxiety to spike your blood pressure? + +I’ve been trying to exercise and eat better the past week to help but not seeing a result yet.",Anxiety +34772,growing pains but i’m done growing??? i’m a 17 year old female. my doctor said i’m done growing and i’ve been the same height since around 7th grade. sometimes in the night when trying to go to sleep i have really bad “growing pains” in my thighs and behind my knees. it wikl also wake me up in the middle of the night. i’m really scared that it’s actually a blood clot in my leg. i’m not sure how often this happens but i know it’s fairly often and i always just chalk it up to growing pains even though that can’t be it..,Anxiety +34998,"New Here Unfortunately Hi all. I am new to this forum and thought I might gain some reassurance from others who are having the same issues as myself. + +The last year or so has been filled with a few periods of time in which my health anxiety peaked. This often left me confused and helpless. Everything I feel or see makes me question if I am becoming seriously ill in some way. + +About 3 years ago I had my first issue with HA. I was having chest pains while playing baseball at school. I actually ended up going to the hospital for this and had an ECG. I was told that my heart was fine and it may just be growing pains as I was about 14 at the time. + +The next problem was where it really started to get much worse. About a year ago while showering I noticed a light brown spot (which was probably just a stain or dirt of some sort) on my foot sole. I could not stop thinking about this and was constantly measuring and photographing the spot to make sure it didn’t grow. I couldn’t help but to think this was melanoma. The dot eventually disappeared on its own after about 2-3 weeks. + +Next came issues of tingling in feet and hands. Being like I am, I did the worst thing you could probably do which was google it. Of course it is a symptom of diabetes. I now constantly feel what I believe to be different symptoms happening each day. Each symptom I hear of miraculously occurs the next day. In fact, I feel as if my vision is becoming blurred (another symptom of diabetes) as I type this. + +I know these symptoms appearing just after I learn of them is just my mind messing with me. Does anyone have any advice on how they were able to cope with these underlying thoughts? ",Anxiety +51867,"Can anxiety get triggered by nothing? I don’t know how to explain it but the last week or two I have been in a constant panic mode. always on edge , I feel sick 24/7, crying etc. But nothing has triggered me ? I just woke up one day and I knew something wasn’t right in my brain , I just felt really fuzzy and confused and now two weeks later I’m in a constant fight or flight mode.",Anxiety +35796,"How to stop the feedback loop? I finally got over my own health anxiety. There are many 'problems' I have that I don't really worry about anymore. yay. + +In exchange I am now worrying about the health of others like crazy. Some people in my life either have or died to cancer and right now I only have my mother left of my family. Not a day goes by where I am not building up a scenario in my head where she will die soon. It doesn't help that she is the type of person to never see a doctor, so I spend every waking moment trying to find a way to make her get her appointments. + +The thing is I really want to stop, somedays I tell myself how unlikely all of this is (even looking up global statistics) and that I should just stop and go on. + +But then it's my fault if she dies. That is all I ever think about. Because I didn't make her go, so it wasn't found and I will never ever forgive myself that. So I go right back to 'I need to worry'. + +How the hell do you get around that thought?",Anxiety +257,"a little anxious, a lot afraid",Anxiety +35069,"I get my MRI result in 1 hour. I can't take this physical stress. My heart is racing so fast, and I keep needing to pee. I just feel so shit and I don't know how to calm down. I'm not really sure what the point of this is, but I don't know what else to do.",Anxiety +34515,"Worried about a brain tumour Hello ! + +Since a week and a half, i've had burning at the back of my head. I know rationally that it's probably not a tumour but I can't help but freak out about it. It comes and goes. I went to the doctor last friday, he did a neurological exam and nothing came out of it that is unusual. He gave me some anti inflammatory medicine. Before I took the medicine, my right ear hurted a lot too. It stopped today. + +Could this be a sign of a tumour or something else? +",Anxiety +52878,"I used beta blockers for 3 weeks and quitted, now I'm sweating abnormally in my private area, is this normal? I used propranolol for anxiety and stress but I quitted after 3 weeks because I had too much side effects. The day I began too lower my dosage untill stopping I have experienced excessive sweating around my sit area. And by that I mean abnormally much. Is this something related to betablockers and has anyone had a similair experience with this?",Anxiety +216,"crazy, why are you nervous? *plays yo-yo*",Anxiety +34168,"Numb upper lip Feels as if it had been injected with some kind of sedative and slowly waking up, except is hasn't! It also twitches slightly at times. Since I know the first symptom of a stroke is numbness around the face/lips area I am freaking out! And now the right hand side of my face feels numb too. + +Please somebody tell me they've had these symptoms and it was nothing?",Anxiety +34737,"Coping methods you use? (venting) I was finally approved and am able to afford health care and I scheduled an appointment for the GP and the Dentist because of a small bump I have sort of under/in front of my ear by my lower jaw on the right side. + +But I am sort of terrified, and am obviously fearing the worst, I just wanted to know what coping methods you have. + +Bleh. I'm sorry I need to vent a little too. I've always had one tonsil larger than the other on the right side too, and I like freaked out about it when I was 15 or 16, but it never grew or anything. I've had jaw pain on and off for a few years I think mostly when my wisdom teeth started growing in. I also get earaches, tinnitus, and jaw popping (again mostly on my right side). I know this sounds like tmj, but now I found this bump and I am just terrified the bump has been something more sinister, and I could never afford to do anything about it, and I am just ashamed of myself. + +Also like I need to get work done on my teeth, and I am just a mess. I am happy I got insurance finally so I can see a doctor and maybe a therapist tbh. Bleh. I'm sorry if this is triggering for you guys, I am in such a bad place mentally at the moment, and I feel incredibly alone. It's gotten to the point where I kind of wonder why I am here sometimes. + +Like trying to be positive is so difficult. I try but it never sticks, and I don't know how I got here. + +I am so sorry if this is triggering at all to anyone. If anyone has any coping skills, or ways to distract yourself that would be incredibly helpful. I'm already doing the ""don't google your symptoms"" while I wait for my dr. appointment (which is on the Feb. 1). So anything you got, let me know. + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +510,"Every Sunday, you must be nervous, thinking about Monday tomorrow.",Anxiety +34185,"Does anyone ever feel physically tired because of their HA? I mean like physically tired, drained, etc... + +I feel like a lot of times im looking for a reason I feel tired, despite nothing being wrong with me. I have Essential Tremor (or BFS, but I was technically diagnosed with ET). I worried about Parkinsons for awhile but it's pretty clear I don't have that or MS (Just slightly twitches every now and agan). + +However my main problem is my legs will feel slightly sore or ill feel tired and just run down, and I keep looking for reasons that may be....but maybe it's the OCD/Anxiety itself making me tired? + +Is that possible? I feel like my energy adjusts with my mood a LOT.",Anxiety +34802,Panic over chest cold and phlegm being stuck Omg having massive anxiety over chest infection and phlegm. I'm so scared I'm going to choke on phlegm it gets stuck in my throat. I'm fighting coughing because I cant catch my breath. I can hear my chest rattling and I feel like I am hyperventilating I'm so scared. ,Anxiety +526,"Ask for prayer. I'm really scared hehehe I'm really worried. Anyway, ask for prayer",Anxiety +52254,"not sure if this is anxiety or something else i’m (22F) i smoke weed and i’m not on any regular medication, i don’t vape or consume nicotine only THC. for the past couple months i wake up every morning between 3-6, have this gross sick feeling in my stomach and a rise in my stomach and i poop every single morning, sometimes normal sometimes diarrhea sometimes little pebble but it really affects my stomach and happens every morning i can’t just wake up normally anymore. + +it’s like physical symptoms of anxiety the rise in my stomach and chest the anxious feeling in stomach the anxious poops but nothing mentally. i also had mild acid reflux but it hasn’t been bad lately idk if there’s any correlation but even throught the day i feel really tight and anxious right now for no reason physically and it won’t go away.",Anxiety +35079,"Is this a normal anxiety response? I’ve been battling with health anxiety for about a year now, and it’s been a rough journey. I’ve been stressed a little and I have a new symptom that I’m not sure is serious or anxiety??? + +For the past 2 days I’ve been having this vibrating/ buzzing feeling in my left chest. Recently I felt it in my left shoulder too. It happens about every 20 seconds and has been constant. I’m freaking out about it, and don’t know if I should see a doctor??? Has anyone experienced this? ",Anxiety +52900,"How to shake the feeling someone or something gonna break into the house? I live alone. Right now it is storming. Every night I lay awake wondering if someone or something has broke in. My eyes are tired. I know the doors are locked, but how do you get over this anxiety? I've been alone for 4 months.",Anxiety +132,I want to exhale the restlessness in my chest with my breath,Anxiety +414,"Restless, Restless, Restless",Anxiety +35,"Since yesterday yesterday, I have not been in the mood, very sensitive, feeling restless, always surprised and many surprises every day that almost make my brain explode, everyone is the target of ups and downs in mood. But today I feel very grateful that this lecture drama is over.",Anxiety +34991,"GERD Fears - Please Help Hello, been a while since I posted here. Anyways, I've had on and off acid reflux since I was 19 or 20 (23 now). It started when I went to an ENT because my singing voice wasn't quite right (I sang a cappella in college) and he said ""oh you probably have GERD"". Never did a diagnostic test or anything. + +Then came Summer 2017. I heard that acid reflux can lead to Barrett's and then esophageal c. Coincidentally, I also started to feel a lump in my throat, which I knew HAD to be esophageal c. So, I got an endoscopy. It came back clean with a little irritation. BUT, it was clean! Great. Needless to say, the lump disappeared. + +I've been on and off meds for GERD ever since. For the past 6-9 months, I've been off them because, truthfully, my reflux hasn't been bad. Tums or Zantac usually suffices if I need it. PPIs aren't good long term anyways. + +About five days ago, the lump in my throat returned. Coincidentally, I've been drinking more coffee lately and being very liberal with my diet. I'm hoping the lump is one of two things. 1. Irritation from increased reflux due to liberal diet. 2. Cricopharyngeal spasm (essentially the upper sphincter in throat being too tight due to anxiety, stress, etc.). I am literally praying to God every night that it isn't anything worse, but I'm still terrified. Could my clean scope have progressed to Barrett's or worse in a year and a half? + +Background - I suffer from chronic OCD, anxiety, and depression. I just started my first real job since graduating college and recently moved into a new apartment. I've suffered from a sphincter spasm before... it was down south... not fun. When I take my klonopin (IT IS PRESCRIBED) it seems to get better. Additionally, my throat feels better when eating, drinking, or in the morning. PLEASE HELP ME. +",Anxiety +64,"I'm so sorry, but can you give me words of encouragement or not? I'm really worried that I can't make my kids happy.",Anxiety +34458,"Has anyone else have had this type of anxiety attack? I have generalized anxiety but for the past couple of months, due to the death of a loved one, my health anxiety, which was already present, has skyrocketed. + +Anyway, yesterday I started feeling anxious about something else than my health and then I had some coffee and started to feel sick, like I was dizzy, confused and nauseous. Health anxiety showed up again. While I was walking home I was constantly thinking I was going to die right there in the street and I started crying. I kept thinking ""I don't want to die in the street like this. At least let me get home before I die."". I got home and my relatives tried to comfort me, but I couldn't calm down. I kept crying and feeling ill. I even vomited a little. Anyway, they helped me test my temperature and blood pressure and blood sugar and they all looked fine, but I was not feeling fine at all. Eventually I did calm down, but it felt like forever. And I still feel physically bad, so to say. I have aches and pains all over all the time. I feel like I'm 80 and I'm only 25. + +I don't get the normal ""raising heart beat thinking I'm having a heart attack"" kind of anxiety attacks so I'm not even sure if this is anxiety attack. Did any of you experience something similar?",Anxiety +34712,"mole anxiety Hi. i'm glad to have come across this group because nobody understands my anxiety. Since having children, my anxiety has become really bad. I fear I'm not going to be around for my children. I've had a fear scares too and I have some chronic health problems. I'm on holiday now and noticed a mole was raised and a pink. I don't know how long it's been that way. I can't see a doctor for a few more days either. I scratched it a few weeks ago and the top of it came off and now the scab is sort of a shiny pink underneath. The mole seems to have been there for a year or so, but not before that (I did look at previous photos of myself). It's grown in size and changed to pinkish tinged. I am so nervous. I keep imagining that i'll die from this because I read that some pink melanomas can be life threatening in 6 weeks or so. It's awful. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old so it's even more devastating. My husband doesn't understand. ",Anxiety +52100,"Overworked college student There’s a lot of people in need here, and I just wanted to start by saying that all of you matter and I hope you can find healing soon<3 + +I’m a college junior majoring in engineering and this semester is by far the hardest. I’ve always dealt with anxiety, but it’s been terrible this semester. I think about freshman and sophmore me and I don’t remember ever being this anxious. I think all the years of stress of engineering school have finally gotten to me. Between internships and summer classes, I haven’t gotten much of a break. Winter breaks do help, but I’ve noticed that the “recharged feeling” I have after has lasted less and less after each one. I know I’m almost to senior year and it’ll get easier, but I’m just really overwhelmed. I shouldn’t be feeling this stressed all the time. Having so much anxiety has made me feel down. Anyone have any encouraging words or tips? Thanks!",Anxiety +638,Ever been the most anxious to the point of being forced to be the most sincere,Anxiety +35806,Cold Sores How bad that is?,Anxiety +34400,"I could use some reassurance. Swollen lymph node, getting a biopsy Friday I have been having reoccurring sinus infections due to a tooth that needed a root canal. During that time, I went to an ENT who told me that my nose was a bit crooked and that was another reason. + +While I was there I thought I'd ask him about a lymph node in the back of my neck. When I first discovered it I thought it was a knot in a muscle so I tried to massage it out but it never went away. Eventually, I asked my GP about it and he said not to worry unless it grows. I don't think it has. + +I told him that it had been there for at least 2 years but more likely 3-4 years. He asked if it was stable and I said yes but he wanted to get an ultra sound. + +The ultra sound tech said she thought it was just a lymph node. I asked if she thought there was cancer in it, and she didn't think so but would let my ENT make that call. + +I went to the follow up and he mentioned the ultra sound doctor thinking it was a lymph node but wanted to get a needle point biopsy on it. He said that 9/10 times it was nothing but he would be a bad doctor if he didn't check. + +This triggered my health anxiety. What if I'm that 1/10? My brother had lymphoma when he was 27, and I'm 31. So I'm terrified. + +I poked it, and it got harder, and my neck got sore, and now I can't stop checking it even though I know I need to. I'm trying not to push on it and just brush my hand across it, but it's still there and it's still freaking me out. + +A few weeks ago I had a routine physical and my blood work was normal. My white blood cells were high but they were at 8 and the range was 1-10 was normal. My GP didn't think anything was wrong aside from minor cholesterol stuff that he put me on vitamins for. + +So I'm getting the biopsy on Friday, and following up on Wednesday to get the results. But in the meantime I'm spiraling here and looking for reassurance or help. + +I don't feel sluggish (aside from being tired, I have a very active 11 month old baby.) My color is good, no fever, no night sweats. I have chest pain but that's just anxiety that comes and goes with my panic attacks. My appetite is fine. My blood work came back fine. + +I'm over reacting, right? ",Anxiety +34617,"Hydroxyzine for Anxiety After having anxiety for most of my life, I had my first panic attack last night. I went to the ER today to make sure everything was working okay (I was experiencing chest pains) and I told my doctor about my anxiety. I've never gotten treated for it because it hasn't been totally unmanageable until lately. I am a 22 year old college student so most of my current anxiety/worriment comes from the stress of school. The doctor prescribed me Hydroxyzine 25 mg. + +Since this is my first time taking anything for anxiety, I was wondering if anybody has taken this for anxiety? If you have, has it helped? Any experiences with hydroxyzine will be helpful. + +Thank you so much in advance.",Anxiety +34394,"Chewed tobacco over the weekend. Anxiety going crazy Kinda like the title says, but I chewed tobacco this weekend. I was with a friend on vacation and while drunk, I packed a few dips. I don't normally chew, and the total times I have done it in my life are in the single digits. + +But I got a small canker sore from it, and it is driving my anxiety crazy thinking I have cancer. Lesson learned: Not worth doing it cause it will drive my anxiety crazy. ",Anxiety +34872,"Lymph node just...gone? 21M, I’ve been worried about lymphoma for over a year now. I had a lump in my armpit that I didn’t know if it was a lymph node/cyst/muscle/nothing at all for over a year. It never grew, changed, anything. I check it from time to time and get anxious once in a while, but have gotten it relatively under control (the anxiety). + +Anyways, I go to the gym today like any other normal day, come home to shower and it’s....not there? I cracked my shoulder at the gym but nothing else out of the ordinary (I did work shoulders) and it’s just not sticking out like it did, and I’m thoroughly confused and quite honestly anxious for no reason at all. I have been dealing with a shoulder injury for as long as I can remember as well. + +Where did it go? Was it not a lymph node then? It’s still the slightest bit asymmetrical from my right armpit, but not like usual. Was it likely not even a lymph node then? + +I’ve been told that if it remained unchanged for so long (14 months from noticing it) that it’s either unlikely a lymph node or just a shotty one. It’s rare that lymphoma would leave the same node unchanged for such a long time I was told. ",Anxiety +33964,"heart health anxiety hi, guys. this is my first time posting. I’ve been dealing with health anxiety for the past 6 years, and my new focus is my heart. I have a mitral valve prolapse, and I’m currently taking a beta blocker to help with palpitations. I’ve been to the ER and a cardiologist, all who have sent me home saying that I am fine. + +I just can’t stop worrying that I’m having heart failure or a heart attack. I’ve had 2 CT scans done on my chest. I also had 2 EKGs done that said I have an incomplete right bundle block which scared me senseless. Has anyone else had a similar experience?",Anxiety +34789,"Head pulsing from medicine side effects. My suffering started when Doctor prescribed me clonazepam and Gabapentin. I took for just 2 weeks.Ever since I am suffering from lots of side effects. Well many have subsided or disappeared. + +As of now I am suffering from head pulsing, tinnitus and lower back pain. + +I feel my head pulse over pillow. If I try to solve tough questions, my brain starts crashing.it goes black. I cannot explain what is going inside my head . I went to 13 different doctors in past 2 month( I thought I had some rare illness). stopped going after I realised I suffer from medicine side effects. Everyone think it's all happening due to anxiety. +This medication ruined my life. +",Anxiety +52216,"I need help to fight. Hi, I'm from Turkey. I'm 21 y.o. and studying in University. I hate my familiy, cause they bring me full of problems. And last month, me and my girlfriend rent our house. But 4 days ago, she broke up with me. Just a month... And now, I have comeback to my family's house and I'm full of anxiety. I'm so upset because I love my girlfriend. She broke up with me because I'm so angry. But the fact is that; I'm trying to not be. But of course sometimes I failed. Her and I, we were really good. We were understand each other perfectly. I really don't understand why is have to happen. She fired me. Now I'm staying with my brother. And I don't want to comeback to my familiy's house. And I'm missing her. What sould I do?",Anxiety +33943,"What is the one symptom that you simply can't ignore and make you 99% sure you gonna die? I can't handle feeling like I'm fainting. Everything else I can rationalize and calm myself after some time. + +But feeling like fainting... Oh man...",Anxiety +52662,"Feeling dreadful after best friend didn't want me to come on night I know this feeling is unjust, but I can't help but feeling dreadfully anxious and sad that my best friend didn't want me at a night on the Weekend. + +I'd been excluded before in this group of friends when they went on holiday last year together. I was really upset then and just so happened to be very down at that time anyway so I ended up bringing it up and we got into a huge fight where he said he hadn't meant to and these things just happened, but also, I needed to back off. + +So this weekend, he said he'd got a ticket for this night but downplayed it like it was only him and another guy and not the whole group going. But everyone from that group went. He said he hadn't known they were but I'm sure that's not true and now on reflection, they had probably planned it for months. + +I know I have no right feeling this way, people can do what they want but I can't help but feeling really sad about it, like he didn't want me there for a reason and after last time, I don't want to mention anything because I don't think he'd take it well. I know we should be able to do different things, and I'm not saying otherwise but I know everyone in this group and wonder why he didn't want me there. It's making me feel pretty low. We live together but I'm moving out next week, and a part of me is worried he'll slowly cut me out of his life. + +How can I stop feeling like this? I feel pathetic",Anxiety +52040,again low the fear of going crazy.. it's here again.. is there anyone else dealing with it?..,Anxiety +35686,"Pea sized lumps on right side of neck Hiya, freaking out right now! Just noticed on the right side of my neck there are 3 pea sized lumps.. they are not painful and cant be seen only felt. They are more towards the back of my neck on the right side. Could these be lymph nodes? + + 25 year old female, + +No known health conditions other than terrible health anxiety + +No medications +",Anxiety +53013,"What's your story/experience of successfully getting out of your comfort zone while having anxiety? +I still try to do everything even thought I'm dealing with anxiety this month (the feeling of impending doom) and the last step for now is to return to my part time job since I've been on holidays. + +So I would like to hear what stuff were you guys scared of doing but still did it and are proud? (It can literally be anything)🙂",Anxiety +34284,"Has anyone here ever actually been diagnosed with what they were worried they might have had? I've been convinced I have MS for years. I go back and forth between being 100% convinced that I have it, and then not feeling anything for a while and my worries going away again until bang -- I get dizzy or my arm feels weird. Then it's back again for a couple months. + +I suppose it doesn't help that MS effects a large portion of my family and I've had some very convincing symptoms. + +Has anyone here been worried that they had something, just to find out that they did indeed have it?",Anxiety +53024,"I'm getting very anxious about my dental procedure tomorrow It's not something I wanna do, but I'm made to do it. I had a root canal procedure because of an infection and my dentist recommends I get a crown for further stability. I personally think it's optional at the moment since it's my front tooth and it isn't subject to a lot of pressure. But you know, Asian parents, they're forcing me through it tomorrow. + +I'm so against getting a crown because it involves drilling away healthy tooth structure so that it will fit. It's permanent because tooth enamel can't grow back and so such a procedure I've been constantly anxious about it since the appointment got booked 3 weeks ago. Every day since, I've been dreaded for the day which is tomorrow. Has anyone had similar experiences or currently has a crown in their mouth? I'm worried about many things such as whether it feels like your natural tooth, whether it's the exact same color or a little bit off.",Anxiety +35361,"anxiety about having a personality disorder Recently I've become obsessed with the possibility of having borderline personality disorder. I have a decent amount of the associated symptoms, but I also have bipolar disorder which complicates things. I've been hospitalized for mania so I'm pretty confident that's not a misdiagnosis, my worry is I have BPD on top of it. + +I now spend hours reading the criteria for BPD, taking BPD symptom tests over and over again, reading accounts of BPD on medical/mental health subreddits, to see if my experiences fit. It's even more hellish than health anxiety I've had about physical health problems because there is no definitive test, one professional could say I have it and the other could disagree for example, there is no objective qualification for whether I ""have"" it and I'm scared to even bring it up to a professional because I don't want to plant the seed in their mind and be treated worse because it's so highly stigmatized. It's gotten completely obsessive. I'm really unsure of what to do. ",Anxiety +34087,"How do you know when it's real or just anxiety? I have a problem where I want to get checked by doctors a lot, even when they say I'm fine, I try to insist they run more tests. I've heard of people who will often have stories like ""My cancer wasn't discovered at first by the doctors, but I had a gut feeling and insisted more tests, and then my cancer was found!"" So, I'm not sure when to give up and accept it's my healthy anxiety or if I should trust my gut and ask for more tests and exams. My doctors said I am too young for breast cancer (22) but it's still possible, right? I don't know when to give up or if I should look into it more. What do you guys do? How can you tell if it's real or not?",Anxiety +52857,"xanax please help hi. this is going to be a bit of a long post. I have suffered from emetophobia for 8 years now. Have been and am still going to therapy, on antidepressants and have been on hydroxyzine. Recently, my doctor prescribed me .5mg of xanax every day. This has spiked my anxiety because I know I can gain a tolerance to it and become addicted. I have never misused it or done anything wrong, but I feel guilty for using it every day and I’m scared I’ll become addicted and have withdrawals. Can someone give me some insight on this please?",Anxiety +35493,"Eating Beets / Red Stool I had a fairly large amount of cut up beets for lunch today around noon, along with a small cup of beet lemonade. Around 5pm, my stool had quite a red/dark pink tint to it, and the toilet water was that color as well. It is now 830 and I have gone again, same result. I am aware that beets can discolor your stool, however 5 hours seems pretty fast. I thought it normally takes food upward of 24 hours to go from being consumed, to being excreted. Am I worried for nothing? This has never happened before, and I have eaten beets before, but never quite as much as I did today. Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +191,"Time is slow for those who wait, too long for those who are restless, and too short for those who are happy",Anxiety +52115,"I have anxiety about spending money. So I just spent a bunch of money on video games (the online store for the Nintendo 3DS and WiiU is closing soon and I wanted to get a bunch of games before they’re gone forever). I could afford this purchase and I still have plenty of money in my bank account, but I can’t shake this feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach. It’s like there’s this voice in the back of my head calling me an idiot for spending so much money on video games when I could be saving it for emergencies. It’s not just with big purchases either, I still get this feeling whenever I buy a $10 lunch too. + +I think this whole thing started when I was around 5. I was at the store with my parents and I wanted to buy a toy, but my mom said something about how we didn’t have the money for toys. I, being the stupid kid that I was, interpreted this as “we don’t have a lot of money” and that the family was one bad financial decision away from poverty. Of course this was not the case but that didn’t stop me from feeling guilty about making my parents spend money on me.and that guilt has followed me even now when I’m making my own money. + +So am I crazy for feeling this way? What are some steps I can take to get rid of this guilt?",Anxiety +53032,"Anyone have any good experiences with Cymbalta? Thinking about taking it for my GAD. I’ve been on Lexapro for 3 years and it’s not working at all unfortunately. + +What are your experiences with Cymbalta if any?",Anxiety +52127,"Trembling when talking about things I’m around, and don’t scare me after having bad experience with weed edibles This might be a long post so sorry about that but I just want to have all the details. Back in December my now ex girlfriend gave me 2 weed edible gummies that were around a year old (I think) I’m not entirely sure if this is true or not but I think they were each about 50 mg when brand new. This was the first time I’ve done any drugs or anything like that not even weed but I wanted them from her and accepted them with a smile on my face being excited to do them. I then get home and eat them both at once and I’m feeling pretty awesome and happy but can’t really focus on anything and I’m laughing a lot and smiling at everything while on a FaceTime call with some friends. Then I start noticing my heart was beating incredibly fast and strong (at least I think it was) I thought the left side of my chest would explode and started freaking out about that. I ended up freaking out and having a almost full on panic attack and thought I was going to die and forced myself to throw up, then laid in the shower for about 2 hours on the coldest setting not realizing I was shivering and shaking like crazy the entire time I then force myself to sleep and wake up thinking I’m dead and feeling like shit for the next week or so and had weird pains in my chest. I then cut off almost all contact with the girlfriend (thinking back I shouldn’t have done this and I do feel bad I was just so shaken up because of that experience) fast forward to now I am around lots of talk about drugs I always have but about 3 weeks ago when I was going to smoke my fiends cart for the first time, just talking about it gave me these tremors and I was shaking until I calmed down about 10 minutes later but I was talking to him with a smile on my face wanting to hit his cart I wasn’t scared at all I just got these shakes, these jitters in my legs I don’t even understand why their happening when I’m actually in front of or about to do drugs that don’t even scare me just on Wednesday I was going to buy some weed (regular flower) from my other friend and I got the same trembles just texting him and had to play it off with the people next to me saying I’m cold. Basically what I’m asking is what is wrong with me? And how can I overcome these tremors/shakes when around these things this may seem really stupid or not a big deal but I’m not sure what’s causing it please help me thank you.",Anxiety +34585,"I am always cold? I have had anxiety my whole life and I don’t know if this has to do with it. But it started off with just being cold every night, but it’s gotten worse. Even sometimes when I’m out in hot 75 degree weather I still get shivers. I should also mention I’m very thin do that might be part of it. Advice? What could it be?",Anxiety +52308,Who else has a nervous stomach and closed throat right now? Meeeeee🙋🏽‍♂️,Anxiety +52618,"C2E2 Frengs? Going friday and need help Hi I'm 33 and have little money, no job, a ton of comics and love anime, manga, SIkTC and Deadpool. I have a very bad anxiety disorder but I decided to buy a ticket for myself for Friday. I want to submit some books to be graded (so I might have money someday 🤞. Large crowds, no visible exits, loud noises and cramped spaces are very hard for me and I thought maybe someone here would be going too and could meet up. Before you say ""all the things you mentioned are what happens at c2e2."" I know, but I want to fight my anxiety and challenge myself, I'd just like there to be someone who could be around. I'm rambling now so I'll shut up. Thank you!",Anxiety +51928,"Does anyone else have their anxiety relieved by McDonald's fries???? Sounds stupid, but whenever I feel my anxiety go through the roof and make me nauseunauseouss, McDonald's fries always help ground me for whatever reason...",Anxiety +52102,"Suffering Hey all. Just reaching out to those who are more knowledgeable then me about this topic. +I am 21 and healthy I workout 5 times a week and I am suffering from terrible anxiety at night. Not really the over thinking and worrying but more so physically. I have chest pain at night and cannot get to sleep most nights. I have trouble winding down to fall asleep. I am making this post because right now I am shaking uncontrollably and I do not feel myself. Like the walls are closing in and I’m gonna die. I am and have been suffering for the last few months. Any idea what I can do about this?",Anxiety +52023,.5 mg lorazepam and drinking If I take .5 mg of lorazepam now will I be good to drink around 9 pm (about 4.5 hours)? In the past I have waited around 24 hours and felt no difference,Anxiety +452,"""No regrets or grudges/angry at things that have passed, and not worrying too much about the future, that's true serenity.""",Anxiety +34410,"(vent) I probably got cavities from grinding my teeth for years and i'm fed up with being so anxious all the time This is my first post here, i just recently found this subreddit and it already helped me a lot just reading everyones posts. I always felt like i was completely alone in this, as my close family and friends are usually brushing me off. Also i apologize in advance, i'm not a native speaker so my english might be a bit off at times. + +Anyway, the main point of this is to just... put my feelings out there. I'd guess a few of you can relate. I hope this won't be too much, since i do tend to overshare when i'm depressed and i am depressed at the moment. + +I've been anxious and obsessive ever since i can remember. Couple of years ago i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and major depression, as well as BPD. Two years ago i was also diagnosed with AvPD and OCPD. I went through DBT two times, a third time is already scheduled. I was in therapy for over 5 years, but i have to quit. I've also been on Pregabalin for two years. + +Health Anxiety started last year for me, after I had finally cut ties with an emotionally abusive friend who basically made the past four years a living hell. I don't know if that was the cause but it happened around the same time. + +I've always grinded my teeth at night and i was wearing a mouth guard ever since that was discovered. However recently i lost mine, as i lost my bag during traveling (which has caused a lot of stress for me over the past week, as losing things is something i've always been anxious about), so the grinding has been worse. + +Thanks to my medication i have a very dry mouth and to top that off i also currently have a very bad cold, that's already got me on edge wether i'm developing pneumonia. + +Yesterday night was a very bad time for me. While brushing teeth my gums were bleeding a lot - i have very good oral hygiene, my doctor has never had any complaints and my gums never bleed - so brushed my teeth, used mouth wash and then went to sleep, trying to not go into the anxiety cycle again. After that however instead of falling asleep I spend hours googling things and being caught up in memories of said former abusive friend. I don't know where that came from, but it just overwhelmed me. + +Today i found a tiny black spot on my teeth, that won't go away. It looks like a tiny hole. And instead of listening to what i learned in therapy - i should've known better - i googled again. Turns out you can get cavities from grinding your teeth and wearing them down. I am fairly certain this is what's going on and i've scheduled an appointment for Monday. And now i'm trying to find ways to get through the weekend without too much stress, because i'm worried that might make my cold even worse and... you all probably can guess how the cycle spirals downwards from here. + +The thing i wanted to say about all this is the following: This sucks. Majorly. I am so tired of this anxiety, this obsessive overthinking of everything my body does; i'm tired of all these bad things that happened in the past still haunting me to this day. I'm tired of all the diagnosis i got - it feels like there's no chance of recovery because of all the things i have to work through. And i'm also tired of being aware that stress will wear my body down but that thought alone is causing me so much stress that it's a long spiral i can't seem to escape from. This right now feels like another punishment for not getting this right. I'm trying not to be too negative, but the thoughts keep forming in my head. Sometimes i just wish i could start anew because after i learned in therapy just exactly how all my problems started and how they escalated, i just wish i could redo my life and stop the anxiety before it even got this bad. + +I will continue to work through this. As we all do. I know that me wishing for a new start will never come to be and maybe that wouldn't even be for the best. I know i'm not and neither is anyone else here responsible for this condition. Right now it just felt like the thoughts were overwhelming me and i needed to tell someone. I know this can be beat, i just feel at a low point right now. + +If you read this, thank you for listening to me.",Anxiety +196,"The 5 dream ones were moved to a new unit, so why isn't the Anjrit so worried?",Anxiety +52677,"Long term Clonazapam?? + +Long term Klonopin?? + +I am a 20 y/o male with fairly bad anxiety. Have tried every ssri in the book none of them work and give me horrible side effects. + +My anxiety is as follows: completely random attacks, feel like I’m dying I went to the er many times. I can’t process thoughts in my head pretty much 24/7 (hard time holding conversation). I will sometimes have attacks with stressful situations at work, but I have an important job so I don’t let those attacks stop home from doing my job even tho it can be miserable. + +I have tried many different ssri, hydroxzyine which works sometimes. The only thing that has worked is Xanax. I’m prescribed 1mg, but I typically break it up and take .25-.5 as needed. The only thing I haven’t tried is a beta blocker which I will try next. + +Xanax allows me to have a perfectly clear head. I don’t feel like a retard and trip over my words and feel disassociated when I am on it. I don’t feel sedated or tired I just feel normal. It curbs and prevents panic attacks for usually 6-10 hours. I have been taking it more than I should recently .25-.5 every day to every other day. I do notice some rebound anxiety on the days off but nothing too crazy. + +If a beta blocker doesn’t work I will try clonazapam. I really don’t care about dementia later in life. So my question is if these drugs increase my quality of life dramatically should I really avoid them just because of withdrawls? Yes I know their hell but you don’t go through them if you are on em for long term with no intention of getting off. + +Sorry for the essay pls share input, advice and experience, + +Thanks",Anxiety +35455,"Twitching i’ve always had random twitches since i developed health anxiety and i’ve been able to dismiss it always, especially being that it’s been 6 years. (although, if i dismissed then and lowered my anxiety why did they remain?) and on thursday i just started having them consistently in my legs. thursday i was in a bad mood but, not that anxious? anyway it’s either that or random stinging pain. pain but, doesn’t really hurt at all. i’ve been to the gym, ran, whatever, all good but i’m still concerned about circulation issues or whatever, googling it all lol.",Anxiety +35344,"Anyone else terrified of chemicals? Anytime someone uses a cleaning product near me or I have to touch something that was cleaned with a cleaning product, I get extreme anxiety that I’ll get poisoned or something. I’m even scared of stuff like markers and glue which have those smells people try to get high off sometimes. I get scared I’ll that chemicals will damage my eyes, or damage my brain by inhaling them. Can anyone else relate to this?",Anxiety +35274,"Concussion anxiety I am 16 and I've had a repetitive head injury that let to a concussion 2 years ago. Since then I have been paranoid of every bump to my head, I know the only way to really tell are the symptoms. I still have symptoms and eyestrain. What should I do",Anxiety +459,"Why is it, every time you want to do something, you get nervous..",Anxiety +52103,"Can I get some reassurance on attending a concert? Hi everyone. Am so excited to see one of my fave artists in concert this summer. However, because it's all general admission standing tickets, my anxiety has already kicked off on crowd crush fears, fears of feeling claustrophobic, and fears of terrorist attacks. I've only been to one concert before and it was in a huge roomy stadium and I could sit down and knew my escape routes lol. I'd just love to hear any stories of if anyone else has felt this way and how you dealt. Thank you xxx",Anxiety +52540,"New job anxiety Start a new job in a couple hours, only thing I'm really anxious about is I live in a part if the United States which is like 90% spanish speaking and I dont speak a word of it. + +That in itself has made it difficult to find a job, but I found this graveyard shift general labor, hoping it makes speaking only English easier for me. + +I'm only gonna work for a few months, 90 days at the most since its a temp thing anyway, just saving so i can move out of here.",Anxiety +680,"Restless, restless, anxious. Please be anxious.",Anxiety +35222,"Left arm & leg pain Hi all, last night my left arm & leg started aching and felt tingly. I fell asleep okay, but it started back up this morning. I’m trying not to be anxious about it, but I definitely am. 😔 + +I’ve had a tight neck the last few days, so I’m wondering if that has anything to do with this. Or maybe a vitamin deficiency? IDK but it’s stressing me out and if it keeps up I’ll probably head to doctor next week. Just hoping I’m able to keep a straight head and avoid the ER this weekend. Ughhhhh. Anyone dealt with something similar?",Anxiety +418,tired and restless,Anxiety +34942,"Blood taste in mouth, have spit to see blood a few times. Hi guys, I've had a problem recently that's happened about 4 times the past year, where I'll taste blood in my mouth and ill spit and there'll be a small amount of blood in my spit. I know rationally it could probably be my gums bleeding but I'm concerned that I have throat cancer, as I've been constantly clearing my throat due to bad post-nasal drip for years now and on top of that I have pretty bad reflux issues. Just need someone to talk to me down cause I'm having some serious anxiety right now.",Anxiety +361,Fuck the life,Anxiety +35046,"If you need someone to vent to. Hello all, + +I hope the rules of this subreddit allow this. + +I'm a 31 year old male with ADHD, anxiety and health anxiety. + +My work place is closed for the winter months so I have a ton of free time. + +I will state that I am not a doctor, I can't give you medical advice but I do have time. I can promise you I will read whatever you send me, it will stay between us and I will just try and respond the best as I can. I will be an ear, I will only be able to give my personal experiences and not a diagnosis. I don't have any answers to how you are feeling, but if you need to talk to someone I'm here. + +Send me a wall of text, no need for TL;DR. + +",Anxiety +202,I'm the only one who's nervous.,Anxiety +34110,"How to convince yourself that you are healthy? Over the course of 5 years, I have had 3 EKG done, 3 blood checks, 1 xray of my chest and lungs, 1 echo of my heart, a stress test and a 24h monitor of my heart. +Everything is fine. I'm fit. + +Why can't I convince myself of these things when I feel sensations? Why do I keep suspecting my chest pains and palpitations to be a more serious heart problem? I read books about anxiety, follow therapy but all that rational help just disappears instantly in the face of a panic attack. + +How do you guys deal with it? Please comment your ways or experiences, I am truely lost and slipping further down here.",Anxiety +34653,Worrying about lymph nodes I’m 16. I’m roughly 115 pounds and like 5”3. My lymph nodes can be felt easily but they haven’t hurt to where I had to stop and notice. And I haven’t had any other obvious symptoms. Should I just relax?,Anxiety +35524,"Are my symptoms a result of anxiety or is my anxiety a result of symptoms of something that’s killing me? It’s safe to say I live my life with nearly constant anxiety, particularly when it comes to my health. I’m hyper aware of sensations and little pains that come and go in my body at any given time. My life is kind of miserable as a result. In the quiet moments during a conversation I can almost guarantee you that’s what I’m thinking about. Whether or not the pain I just felt in my head or torso is a symptom of anxiety or do I have some sort of cancer that’s eating me alive?Am I alone in this or am I just a crazy person? I hate to sound whiny, just thought I’d vent a bit. ",Anxiety +52599,"Heart Racing every morning I’ve been struggling for a almost a week now every morning I wake up around 5:30am (way earlier than my intended wake up time) with my heart pounding out of my chest, chest tightness and sometimes pain, and my anxiety is through the roof. Just posting this in here in case anyone has similar experiences or has had things that help them. I have little to no trouble falling asleep at night but mornings have been absolutely awful lately because of this. I’ve been to the ER twice for anxiety/panic and had EKG and bloodwork tests all come back normal.",Anxiety +35734,"Thanks, Ancestry😔 Hi guys! +So i recently took an Ancestry DNA test and I bought access to the records. My maternal grandmother apparently died of Uterine Cancer at 40 years old. My grandmother was always told it was lung cancer. She thought it made sense since her mother was a very heavy tobacco smoker. Anywho, now I’m constantly worried about this. I also have PCOS that makes me have irregular periods. Just crappy thoughts and i hate this! I’ve had health anxiety in the past. Luckily I have my therapist appointment on Monday so I’ll talk to him about this “new fact”. Thanks for listening. ",Anxiety +124,don't worry yet :),Anxiety +52318,"How to stay calm when my whole body goes numb? Hey guys, + +so one of my anxiety symptoms that sometimes happens is that large parts of my body just go completely numb, mostly my arms, legs, chest, neck and face. + +Right now it's happening again and even though i know that it's most likely just my anxiety, my brain knows that numb = nerve problem, and that's what i can't get out of my head :/ + +I am so worried that one day i actually do have something with my nerves, but i ignore it thinking it's just anxiety and then i stay permanently numb because i didn't go see a doctor.... + +And what if one day i have a stroke and just try to ignore it because ""oooh anxiety"" + +How am i supposed to know the difference between my brain tricking me and an actual emergency?? + +I'm trying to calm down, but i keep touching my numb parts to feel if they are still numb :(",Anxiety +35306,"What triggers your palpitations and what do they feel like? So I’ve been dealing with intermittent palpitations for the past 6 months or so. I haven’t had an EKG done yet just because I’m in between doctors and my psychiatrist (MD not therapist) said she wasn’t worried about them and thought they were fine when I told her about them. +From what she told me and what I’ve learned, I think I’ve been feeling ectopic beats. For me, it feels kind of like my stomach drops- like when you’re in an elevator going down. I can also feel like the air is pushed out of my lungs and I feel a super faint little tap in my chest, then my heartbeat goes back to normal. I sometimes feel adrenaline and lightheadedness right when it first happens, but I’m not sure if that’s a physical response to the palpitation or if it’s my anxiety reacting. I’ve never felt a run of any, it’s always just a single missed beat that I feel (when they’re bad I get 3-5 per day at most). I’ve been trying really hard to figure out what triggers them for me, and it seems to be correlated with breathing variance, stress, and posture. For instance, I feel them most often if I’m talking quickly and run low on breath and then take in a quick breath. I also feel them sometimes when bending over or bending backward. Also, if I’ve been sitting down and then stand up and stretch I can feel a tightness in my whole chest area and my heart will beat slow and hard and I can feel an ectopic if I move too quickly or breathe weird during this. I wanted to know if anyone else has these same triggers, and if not then what are they and how do the palps feel? I’m working on not worrying so much about mine, but it’s comforting to know other people experience similar things. ",Anxiety +338,even though I don't miss anyone but I'm still restless,Anxiety +34100,"Little black lump on my leg So a few hours ago I noticed a little stone like lump on my leg, it is located on right side of my knee, and i don't know what it is. I can't push it out and It my whole leg was in some pain after I tried. If anyone know what it could be please tell me",Anxiety +51936,Possible trigger warning / anxiety over tongue Having bad anxiety over my tongue. I have on the side of my tongue this white thing and I tried getting it out but it's hard and I'm having anxiety over what it can be I've never seen this before if anyone can relate please,Anxiety +35399,"Anyone have a brief few minutes in the morning where their symptoms abate? I notice that for maybe 20 minutes in the morning it's as if i'm not concentrating as hard on my body and I feel almost normal. + +My current concern has been strange skin sensations, like tingling, crawling and prickling - I'm worrying about it a lot, but in the morning it doesn't seem to be there for a short while.",Anxiety +503,"anxiety, fear, overthinking at the same time can be called a panic attack, right?",Anxiety +52298,"Anger/irritability I have chronic anxiety. I don't want to take my pills everyday, as my family has addiction issues at every twist and turn. But I'm a mom, I have an almost 5 year old and my husband is military so he's gone sometimes. When he's gone my son likes to act up, doesn't want to listen at all. I'm working on it with him, I'm trying to be productive. My anxiety poses a pretty big difficulty as it turns into pretty bad irritability and aggression when I'm dealing with frustrating situations. The only way I've found to help (which it actually doesnt) is to take on a bland monotonous tone. I'm struggling to find other ways to communicate with him so that we're both calm and hopefully things can get resolved peacefully. I just feel so bad when it ends up being too much and I snap at him.",Anxiety +446,Emotional when PMS is motivated by insecurity which also increases due to these hormones. I don't know why I will feel anxious about many things for no reason even if there is a reason it's just too much to say ™ƒðŸ™ƒðŸ™ƒ,Anxiety +35718,"Can you feel your heart beat in your lower back?? This keeps happening and it’s scary, because everything online tells me it’s an anyuerism and I’m going to die. +I’m 19, average build maybe 160 pounds? And 5’5. I don’t smoke and have no history of this in my family, and no heart problems I know of. The pulsing is quite hard and almost feels like someone tapping me in time with my pulse, that’s how hard it feels. When I have loose fitting clothes I can feel it pulse against that, or if I’m sat against a leather chair or laying on my back I can feel it, sometimes it’s to the right other times it’s to the left. I want to go to A&E but my mum won’t listen and says it’s just my anxiety, but I’ve never had this before. :( I can’t drive so I’m just stuck and feel like I’m waiting for it to burst suddenly, it’s been like this for a week and is progressively more apparent each day",Anxiety +35571,"Does anyone worry about long term quality of life? So for example, I have a had a fear for the last couple years now that my jaw ache (probably from anxious grinding) is going to get worse and worse and I will damage my joints and live a miserable life. It's scary because it's the thought of a degenerative thing that is long term and not something that will get you suddenly or kill you, but the thought of it being there all the time even if it's not the case. Anyone else get instances like this?",Anxiety +35743,"Skin cancer fears Skin cancer is a specific fear of mine because of a few awful burns I've had in the past. I'm pale, so I burn incredibly easily. I am 100% convinced I am going to get skin cancer eventually. + +There's a small bump on the back of my head, no bigger than the tip of my thumb. I can't see it, but apparently it's pink. You know when you get a bump on your head from hitting it and there's sort of a dull pain when pressure is applied to it? That's how it feels when I press on the bump that's on the back of my head. It's hard, you can't really press down on it. + +As I type this I'm pretty anxious because I'm convinced whatever the bump on my head is is going to kill me. There are so many different ways skin cancer can look, and I'm scared that's what I have. I don't remember hitting my head on anything recently, and even if I did, I've never had a bump form that was that small before.",Anxiety +53028,"Anxiety I’m a 25 year old male overall healthy, I have been suffering anxiety and panic attacks for about 6 years now. I got on Prozac about 2 years ago and it’s helped tremendously. I get anxious here and there. I’ve gone to a whole bunch of doctors before the Prozac to all tell me I’m fine. Cardiologist, neurologist , ent etc. the other day I was at the pediatrician for my daughter and I started feeling somewhat antsy and hot and then I started sweating, feeling dizzy, felt short of breath, I thought I would pass out. I freaked out and didn’t calm down until I left about 30 mins later. I’m worried if I have a heart issue or if this just goes back to it being anxiety? I recently did bloodwork 3 weeks ago Everyrhing came out fine except my cholesterol being minor elevated which I’m taking care of already and eating super clean. Let me know what you guys think",Anxiety +35696,"I'm a lot scared about my mom's lower leg pain Hi! First of all, I made a second account to talk about these personal issues, I use my personal account (which has my real name) for a lot of public things and didn't feel comfortable in sharing those personal issues there. + +&#x200B; + +My mom had breast cancer six years ago, and treated it successfully, doing chemo and radiotherapy. Fortunately, it was diagnosed very early. She is totally cured now, and constantly monitors her breast and + + thyroid (which she had some benign cysts). She is 60 and doesn't smoke or drink at all. + +&#x200B; + +Last week, she removed a dot on her face. The biopsy returned Basal Cell Carcinoma, but with no spread on close lymphs. The dermatologist said it was nothing to worry about. + +&#x200B; + +But yesterday she said she had been felling pain around the tibia for about a year and half. It's a pain she feels deep, that comes for some time (like a week), then disappear for some months, then comes back. It doesn't seem to be affected by exercise, but hurts at night. While she was pressing the region to show me where it was, she said she could feel it hurt a little, even if, at that moment, it wasn't hurting the way it used to. There is no swelling at all, and she said it never was. She also said the pain is the same since it begun. + +&#x200B; + +And she had been having some cramps a while ago, the doctors said it could be a neuropaty caused by the medications she took, like tamoxifen. She also said these cramps usually stops when this pain begins. + +&#x200B; + +She said she's worried about it being a bone metastasis from the breast cancer. + +&#x200B; + +From what I know, it's extremely unlikely that a metastasis from a cancer she treated back in 2013 (and which, in that time, had no secondary tumor detected) could only appear now. + +&#x200B; + +But I'm extremely worried about other cancer possibilities. Like a primary bone cancer, or a secondary cancer from a hidden tumor that originated in other part of the body. + +&#x200B; + +The rational part of me says it's probably neuropaty, or even some other symptom caused maybe by her age, and if that pain was bone cancer, she probably would be gone now, or at least the pain would have gotten worse after all this time, or even some swelling would have appeared. + +&#x200B; + +But the other part (the same that worried about me having ALS because of some twitches) says it could be cancer. She has an appointment with the same doctor that treated her cancer on Monday, but, until then, I can't help but be terrified about this possibility. + +&#x200B; + +Has anyone had any similar experience? Is the rational part of me probably right once again?",Anxiety +35623,"Got a bloodtest, scared to hear about Leukemia. I've posted this in r/AskDocs but I just wanted to hear more. Sorry. I'm seeking as much support as I can that isn't from people close to me because I don't want to scare them too. + +I'm a 18 year old female living in Canada. 5'9, 60kg, Half Chinese Half Russian. + +I have always had pretty good health for my entire life, so such a sudden change in health is scaring me to death. For the last week, my skin suddenly changed. I have never really bruised, no matter how hard I would hit my knee on something no bruise would ever appear. My family always joked about how even if I fell off a building I'd be completely fine since my skin was ""so thick."" + +For the last week, I've noticed weird changes in bloodclotting. I pick at my acne sometimes (gross, I know) and it would be fine the next day; however, suddenly now when I wake up, I see a HUGE blood scab and bruising around a small white head I picked at the night before. It made me look diseased but I brushed it off as something silly. + +Then my legs and arms started having weird red dots all over, paired with bruising in odd places like the middle of my thigh where I would never get hit or hurt. It isn't a rash, and my doctor appointment confirmed today that it wasn't a rash too. + +Not only were my legs and arms covered in these red speckles but my chest, upper belly, and my gums were too. The days before I was surprisingly out of breath. I was out with my friend and constantly needed to sit down after a couple minutes of walking. Even in the bus, I was extremely uncomfortable with standing and would squat in the middle if there were no chairs because I could not stand to stand. My friend joked about it and so did I as I usually would walk quite fast and wanted to go everywhere. Such a sudden change left her a bit weirded out too. + +I finally decided that I was freaked out enough to go in a walk-in clinic. The doctor said it MIGHT be hemophilia and sent me to get my bloodchecked. Now I'm waiting anxiously at home and can't get the thought out of my head. I know it's useless to be afraid and think about it but I've never had such a sudden health change in my life. As I'm typing this I feel strange little zaps in the joint of my right hand. I haven't really told my friends and definitely not my parents as I don't want them to worry. + +All I can do is wait. + +Some pictures of my skin: + +[https://imgur.com/a/A6FYF3k](https://imgur.com/a/A6FYF3k) + +There are more bruises but they are a bit more faint, either way, I don't do enough physical activity to seriously injure myself in these many places.",Anxiety +34930,"Bad lately I keep waking up at odd hours gasping for breath fearing that I’m having a stroke or heart attack. I think that I’m about to collapse at any moment. I embarrassed myself at work the other day during a panic attack. My manager said I needed to take a Xanax. +I really need to get it together in 2019. I know I need to see a professional but I’m nervous about taking medication (ironic). I don’t know what to do. ",Anxiety +34764,"Pilonidal cyst not responding to anti biotics ugh. I've had this thing for a while but when it flares up its never THAT bad. This time it was pretty painful and didn't go away after 2 days like it usually does. I went to the dermatologist, he gave me anti biotics. Its been 2 days with the anti biotics (ciprofloxacin) and its still inflamed, arguably worse than ever. Ibuprofen helps but not enough. Sleeping is so god damn difficult. + +The dermatologist said that these things can go 'deep' which scared the shit out of me. I've let this thing just sort of stay there for years now and I am terrified that a surgery would basically take a huge chunk of the entire area out just to get rid of this thing. I actually had a surgery for it years ago but that was when it FIRST appeared, and that was bad enough. + +I hate this so fucking much. I can barely sit down, but standing hurts too for some reason, and so does laying down. ",Anxiety +34111,"Can a expired weight gain powder cause insomnia? I started working out in gym 1,5 month ago and recently one of my relatives gave me an EXPIRED weight gain power because I’m very slim and it would obviously help me a lot normally. + +But recently, I can’t really sleep, I’m always extremely tired but I just stay awake and can’t sleep. + +My powder: https://m.scitecnutrition.com/en/products/scitec_nutrition/muscle_and_weight_gainer_shakes/jumbo",Anxiety +34626,"Terrified of a brain bleed... This sounds so ridiculous but I dropped my phone on my head yesterday from about an arms length. The corner of it just happened to hit me on the perfect spot right above my temple. It hurt pretty bad for a few seconds, but then I didn't have much pain. I've stupidly been googling like crazy and keep reading about hits where people seem fine and then just die from a subdural hematoma and that they can take days to weeks to cause problems. + +Ughhhh I also take a daily baby aspirin for a blood clotting disorder and people on blood thinners have a higher chance of a bleed. + +I feel ridiculous, I haven't have a trigger like this in a really long time!! Today I am having a mild headache and pressure in the base of my head. I'm terrified but I feel like going to the er would be overreacting to a bump from my stupid phone. + +I've been trying to keep myself from reaching out for reassurance but I can't help it today! I know you guys understand. ",Anxiety +51919,Overthinking How can I control my thoughts instead of letting them overwhelm me ?,Anxiety +35600,"Depression or fear of it? Hi guys, this is the first time I post in this subreddit, so, let's get started! + +For about two weeks I have been feeling very frightened about the idea of ​​being depressed, also because this anxiety is accompanied by a kind of weight that I feel inside my chest and that accompanies me all the days. + +I haven't lost interest in activities or in socializing, but when I am at home alone I start to think and look on the internet for symptoms and feelings about depression, and end up feeling scared, anguished and sad with this feeling of heavy head and the impossibility of thinking positive. + +What do you think, is it all the fault of anxiety and hypochondria that have been with me for years, or is it the beginning of a depressive phase? ",Anxiety +34529,"Worried about sepsis. I'm new to this forum, it's quite comforting to find people who experi3nce health anxiety and how awful it can be. + +I'm having a terrible day. I'm 23 and for my whole life I have suffered with urine, kidney and ear infections. Plus a range of other infections thanks to cat scratches. + +I'm now deathly terrified of contracting sepsis, I currently have an ear infection and I'm just scared constantly. I don't know what to do. I feel cold and i have abdominal aches and I'm terrified of every symptom, debating whether I should have in and go to the emergency dept. I can't sleep and it's just affecting me greatly, I'm terrified I might misjudged a symptom and end up dying. + +Not sure what to do :( ",Anxiety +34807,"Pain and consciousness/attention I haven't talked to a doctor about this because I hardly know how to describe it. Just wondering if anyone knows what I'm talking about. + +Sometimes when I get a sudden, brief twinge of pain, it feels like my consciousness shifts. Not like I'm dizzy or faint or anything, but sort of like my train of thought just stops and my attention is immediately focused. It's almost a ""woosh"" feeling. It doesn't happen every time I feel pain, just sometimes. + +Is this normal? Weird? Maybe related to blood pressure? I have no idea.",Anxiety +35673,"What's the one realization that started you off on your health anxiety recovery? Hello all. I'm Abhi, new here and this is my first post. I have been dealing with health anxiety for about three years now - I won't get into the details, it's textbook HA story - but I would love to know from those who got a handle on this beast what their one ""ah-ha!"" realization was that set them off on the path to recovery. Like, what is the single most important thing that HA sufferers need to understand to start combating HA? + +Would love to know success stories too. Also, would love to know if and how meditation and yoga helps in recovery. + +Many thanks in advance. + +Lots of love, +Abhi ",Anxiety +34364,"Brain Tumor Worry Hey everyone! I'm so glad I just found this sub because I've been struggling with health anxiety for almost my entire life, although it has gotten worse over the past two years. Usually I worry about stomach viruses and things related to throwing up, as that is my worst fear, but I've also worried about appendicitis, a stroke, epilepsy, leg cancer, and right now, a brain tumor. My health anxiety has had a profound effect on my life, especially in my transition to college, and it often limits me from eating, going out with friends, and even leaving my room. + +I get migraines often, but my most recent headache is a little different. Yesterday, I had this weird pressure feeling on the top of my head, and eventually got one of my normal migraines. It went away this afternoon when I took two Advil, but the pressure feeling is still there. I don't know how to describe it, it's not really a pain but it just feels weird and a brain tumor was my first thought. I haven't had any other typical brain tumor symptoms, but I have been getting nosebleeds recently, which I've heard can be related to seizures. + +People have told me not to be ridiculous because brain tumors are so rare. I know brain tumors are uncommon, but I've known three people that have had brain cancer, one of whom passed away about a year and a half ago (I didn't know her very well but it was still incredibly sad.) I just really hope I don't have one. Do my symptoms sound like typical brain tumor symptoms? ",Anxiety +217,"a lot of work tomorrow a suddenly meeting, stomach acid rises, dizziness, can't sleep, restless. what should i do",Anxiety +34591,Help I've been having terrible sleep problems this week. Most nights I get 3 to 5 hours and have a hard time falling asleep. I started retaking my anxiety meds and tylenol PM and they dont seem to help. I'm scared to death and start my job next week. Please help me out. ,Anxiety +52238,"I don't know whether it's anxiety or an underlying health condition, at my wits end 😔 31F.... +I don't really know where to start I've been struggling for such a long time and I just don't know what's an anxiety symptom, or symptom of an underlying medical condition anymore. I've had anxiety and OCD for the longest time, had CBT a couple of times in my life but I still suffer immensely with anxiety, it has taken the form of different themes over the years but at the moment I'm struggling awful with health anxiety. + +I have lots of physical symptoms, and I do have some medical issues too, and I'm finding it really hard to differentiate between the two. + +My main physical symptoms are: +-tight chest and breathlessness (to the point it feels like my airways are closing up) +-strange sensation in throat and tongue +-scratchy throat +-diarrhea (sometimes severe) & constipation +-abdominal pain & nausea +-brain fog and intense headaches +-light headedness +-dry throat +-nasal drip +- feeling of tight muscles and tension in my abdomen, neck and shoulders +-some tingling and numbness in various areas of body + +Aside from this I have been diagnosed with polyps on the gallbladder, a liver cyst and mild fatty liver recently. I have also found some small hard lumps in centre of chest/ left of abdomen just along the bottom rib. I am getting these checked but not until 17th April! +I have really been struggling to eat recently, every time I do eat I get a lot of the physical symptoms I've described above, then I get frightened I'm having an allergic reaction and am going to develop anaphylaxis (I've never been allergic to food before, but I do have asthma) so I just avoid eating. I've lost over 2 stone in weight in the past 6 weeks. + +When I got the diagnosis of gallbladder polyps and liver cyst/ fatty liver it really set me back and panicked me. I've had two family members die of liver cirrhosis (they were alcoholics though, and I don't drink anymore, and have never to that extent) and I think I just got it into my head that I was going to die or these growths were going to develop in to cancer. + +I can't stop googling and searching my symptoms and I've come across something called MCAS, and with the physical symptoms of allergy and various growths I have in mind, I've convinced myself that I have MCAS. + +I really don't know what to do to be honest, I've got a young family that I need to care for but instead I'm bed ridden and feeling like rubbish all the time and it's really getting me down.",Anxiety +52639,sleep anxiety doe anyone else ever get so worried that they’re going to die in their sleep that they stay up all night or is that just me 😅,Anxiety +35126,"Thes past weeks i have been really worried These past weeks i have thought that i have Multiple sclerosis or Fibromyalgia because i have been feeling similar symptoms to those diseases. I searched up about health anxiety and read that a very common symptom is pins and needles which i am feeling a lot. Every time i hear those two diseases or even read them, i always get butterflies in my stomach. By the way in the past i have also had worries about my health. I have had worries about my shoulder since it was starting to become numb and the joint clicking exactly in the spot that i had fell on a few years back playing soccer. I also had big worries that i had cubital tunnel syndrome since i was feeling numb in my pinky for two weeks. Another thing to note is that my grandma has always had the same problem about how shes always anxious about her health, so i don’t know if it could be inherited behavior or something like that. If anyone was wondering i am thirteen and male. Please give me advice.",Anxiety +34568,"I'm so tired. I am 27 y.o, male, and I am so fucking tired. Every goddamn day that I wake up I have a brief moment of calm before everything gets going. +When I wake up, I am fine. 2 hours later I know that I am going to die in a couple of weeks. It never ever fucking goes away. +Being a hypochondriac, is going to either kill me from some fucking disease or it's going to make me kill myself. I have +tried getting help from the psychiatric ward, and I was actually seeing a therapist for a couple of weeks before they said +that before we can go on I have to start taking my ADHD medication again. I said ""Ok fine"" thinking that it would only be a couple +of weeks before I could continue with the therapy sessions. It has now been over 3 months since I was in a session. It always keeps on getting +postponed because a doctor quit or that ""there are many people waiting for a psychiatrist"". I am so fucking tired of waiting, so fucking tired of +worrying about disease X and disease Y. +The first time I started experiencing problems was this autumn. I went abroad and as soon as I landed I got a lot of problems with my stomach. +Constipation, dihareea. When I got back home I went to see a doctor who did a shit load of tests on me. Couldn't find a single problem with me +other than possible lactose intolerance. So I went to another doctor who said it was most likely IBS. After a couple of weeks the problems went +away, until I was more or less completely normal. Then I noticed I started loosing weight. My thoughts automatically went to a number of horrible +diseases. I started eating more, and stopped taking my daily walks. (Which I started because I was told it was good for anxiety). +When my dad came to visit the latest batch of problems started showing up. A lump in the throat. It feels like I have something +stuck in my throat that I am trying to swallow all of the time. It's not present the first couple of hours after I wake up, but after a while +it sets in. So I went to the doctor today and described my issue, and after an examination including blood tests and some stick in the throat +tests, he said that he could not see anything. He mentioned ""Globus"", and I have read that that is connected with anxiety. I just can't seem +to get it into my head that it is that and not something else. This is where I am at the moment. +I am so tired of this constant worry all of the time, and I am so tired of going to the doctor every other week trying to figure out +if I am going to die next month or not. It is so fucking exhausting... +The only medicine I have at the moment is Promethazine for my anxiety, and I don't really know if it is helping or not. I guess it helps a little, +but only for a couple of hours. +I am tired of this, and thoughts of just ending it and getting it over with are constantly lurking around. What the fuck am I going to do?",Anxiety +52128,"Anxiety about taking Zoloft for the first time, can I have some encouragement? I’m a 19f. I’ve been struggling with anxiety since highschool. I was raised to believe medicines for this kind of thing are evil. But I cant live like this anymore. I’m anxious 24/7. It never stops. My panic attacks will last hours sometimes. + +I’m scared of becoming a zombie. I don’t want my good emotions to be taken. I don’t want to derealize and become numb. Idk, I’m scared. Hilariously I’m anxious about it. I was just wondering, will I go numb? What if I’m so numb I don’t even realize it? What if I’m so numb I can’t decide to stop taking it?",Anxiety +34053,"I'm scared It started with me checking randomly my neck and noticing a lymph node which if I recall correctly I have had for at least a year and another behind my ear which was there for years (I went to two doctors and at different times and got told there was nothing to worry), but I keep checking my neck basically everyday and keep finding others which I don't know if they were there before or not and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. + +My throat doesn't feel ok even though I got checked by three doctors. I feel like I have a bit of nausea and the other day I had a bit of fever which only lasted one night. Also my left ear from times to times feel obstructed which I've been told is due to my nasal septum deviation. + +And I could list a lot of other stuff that's wrong with me but that would get too long. + +**A little over a month ago I had blood tests which didn't show anything wrong beside some vitamin but everyday I find a new symptom and I'm getting really scared right now. I keep thinking what if I took the tests too early, what if...** + + +**I don't know what to do anymore, everyday something new pops up. I try to think about other stuff but eventually... I get back there.** +",Anxiety +34422,"So tired of always fearing the worst I’ve been experiencing some digestion issues this week, and I know deep down that it’s probably because I’ve been home from college and eating much more/much greasier food than usual, but I can’t escape the thoughts that it’s something much worse. Even though I’ve looked up symptoms and have nothing in common with any of them, except for the ones I know I’m probably just imagining, it still makes me so scared. Nothing to do but wait it out and see what happens when I’m back in school I guess, hopefully it just all goes away. + +I hate feeling this way, and I know my family/SO hate it too, is there anything that you all do to help with these feelings? ",Anxiety +51877,"Hurry sickness is driving me crazy. Does anyone else have this? I have hurry sickness and it's linked to my anxiety and BPD. It causes me so much anxiety because I always feel like I need to do many things at the same time or short period of time. +I drink my coffee in about 5 minutes, then I read a book for an hour, then I listen to music and surf the web for a non-specific reason. Everything has to be done very fast, and well-planned, if not, I get impatient, irritable, and anxious. +It's pretty exhausting and I realized it's a problem going on for two years now. I did not pay too much attention to this before, since I didn't even know there was a term for this condition. + +Does anyone else experience something similar? How are you dealing with it?",Anxiety +35169,"Anxiety symptom ? Whenever I breathe in, I have this urge to cough. ",Anxiety +52777,"Please read I have pretty bad health anxiety that developed after trauma 6 months ago. I meditate, utilize deep breathing exercises, run and read inspirational quotes and seeing a trauma therapist. When I feel pain it's a huge trigger for me! I tried zoloft and had a horrible reaction. I'm on the fence about taking busbar or lexapro. Any suggestions what worked for you with a similar experience? Zoloft I literally slept 2 hours max for 2 weeks straight. Needing some advice from you guys. This is all new for me. Thank you for listening!!!!",Anxiety +35277,"Should I be worried about my swollen lymph node I’ve had a slightly swollen lymph node on the right side of my neck under my chin for a week. Doesn’t hurt and hasnt increased in size. I also don’t feel sick which is actually what worries me because I was looking up my symptoms (I know, bad idea) and all my symptoms pointed to lymphoma. I just got blood work done less than two weeks ago though for something else and everything looked normal. Should I go to a doctor anyway or does this just happen sometimes? I’ve been touching it a lot so I’m not sure if I’m irritating it ",Anxiety +34657,"Crawling skin Feels like somethings is crawling under my skin, does anyone know what I can take to combat this? Thank you ",Anxiety +52266,"Do I have a personality? I don’t feel like I have a personality, I feel boring. I know I’m probably not and I’m overthinking it but everything about me feels fake for some reason. I think I grew up my entire life fighting so hard for validation and only doing things for other people that now my personality traits feel like bits and pieces of other people and not my own. +I’ve also noticed that even though I’m 26 I am hardcore reverting into being a child. I LOVE cartoons. I LOVE squishmallows. I want pink and blue all over my living space I want to be a little kid but there’s also a constant fight against that with my adult side. Maybe im trying to heal my inner child (probably). But I just want so badly to feel like a genuine person and know who I am. ME. it’s just been bothering me a lot lately.",Anxiety +33912,"Weekly /r/HealthAnxiety Challenge - Exercise A Little ! Hello, sorry for all the weird Weekly posts lately, finally got it fixed and updated. Here's your next challenge! Let the thread know how it goes for you or share any tips! + +This challenge are for those who struggle to exercise due to health anxiety, a very common fear to have. But get up and try just a little to start if you have to, exercise has proven to be very beneficial for people with anxiety disorders. Take it slow!",Anxiety +52518,"Social media addict Tik Tok Algorithm freaking me out. For starters I procrastinate too much I manage to do okay but I know I waste time. Recently my Tik Tok has been infested with investment bankers and even scammer type video of people in their 20’s making $600,000k per year. I know the fallacy that social media is fake. But it is making me spiral a little. I go to a T100 law school which is decent and I have decent grades even an interview soon. I just feel I wasted so much time and energy and should have aimed to be making that 600+ already. The legal internships I’m applying for as full time jobs don’t make that kinda money but still money I’m comfortable with. But now I’m thinking I need to aim for that for the sake of my struggling parents and my current gf who comes from wealth and doesn’t currently work but loves luxury.",Anxiety +34666,"Worried about swollen lymph node http://imgur.com/9dUdly7 + +I noticed this lump under my ear a few days ago. It's tender and somewhat hard to touch, and I have a dull ache where it's located. I don't have any symptoms of illness. + +Does it look like a normal swollen lymph node? I've never had one before, so I don't know if I should take off work to see my doctor or not.",Anxiety +34557,"Obsessing over stools. Worried about parasites. I've been looking at almost every stool I pass for the past couple of months because I'm crazy and I have a fear of parasites. + +It seems to be only getting worse as now I'm afraid to eat some foods because of some stupid stories I read online. Yesterday I cut open a quinoa patty and almost had a panic attack because I didn't know quinoa looked like worms. + +Anyway, back on the parasite topic. I've been passing weird white stuff for several months now and I think it's gotten more frequent somehow. Although I think it happens with every bowel movement. + +I posted on /r/AskDocs with a pic if you're brave enough to go look at it (warning: it's pretty gross as you might have guessed). + +I've also started washing my hands every time I touch something and I also check my bedsheets obsessively for anything suspect before I go to bed. I look at most foods with my phone's zoom, too. + +I can't even pet my cats anymore because dandruff and flea eggs are like indistinguishable. + +Going crazy.",Anxiety +33911,"Listening to your body? I'm curious how those of us with health anxiety can listen to our bodies. It seems the general advice when trying to figure out what's wrong is listen to your body, you know it best, you tell your doctor when something is off. But it doesn't really work that way when I'm convinced every itch means I have lymphoma or a pimple is a tumour...so how can people with health anxiety know when something is wrong?! I am starting to hate that, I just want to trust my doctor is right when she says I'm fine!",Anxiety +35417,"Can we talk about poop for a second? 💩 Hey everyone, + +The past year I have found that each time I go to the toilet, I pass half of my stools well formed and then there is a ""pocket"" of gas that happens and is hard to push out, followed by softer stools. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this type of thing regularly? ",Anxiety +34952,"Tunnel vision when going cross-eyed? My friend found this 'thing' you can do with your eyes, so I tried it and now I'm abit freaked (more than abit), wondering if anyone can explain it. So this doesn't seem to work inside, only in bright sunlight as far as I've noticed. If you stand outside, in the sunlight(bright) and get in a spot where your side vision is showing the blue sky or something you can clearly see and isn't crowded/moving - then begin by putting your finger infront of your face in-line with your nose, slowly move it in until it's touching the tip of your nose (so you're now crossed-eyed), you'll notice the 'sides' of your vision in each eye have a tunnel-vision kind of effect and go black, once you stop being cross-eyed, it dissapears. why? Going crossed-eyed straight away also does this. can someone please explain this or atleast go out of your way to try and do it just so I'm not so alarmed. you know how HA can be :(",Anxiety +711,typing while crying & very worried,Anxiety +660,"The brain is now full of stressful thoughts. I feel like I'm about to explode, nervous, sad, scared, all mixed into one",Anxiety +34622,"Side effects from taking my adderall in the morning and drinking alcohol in the afternoon around 3pm? ive been on vacation in the bahamas since march 31st til yesterday april 8th. Everyday we were super active always going out on the boat in the sun all day. On April 7th i took 20mg of adderall 3 times that day spread out between 2hrs each dose. So all together that day i had 60mg.and about an hour and a half later of my last dose i drank two rum punches throughout 3 hours time. After that about 2 and a half hours later i had 2 other rum punches again in a spand of 1 and a half hours. I never got drunk just felt pretty tipsy and good. I went to bed around 10:30pm feeling fine, not drunk at all. I woke up around 1230am with heavy vertigo and my stomach started hurting i went back to sleep hoping i would feel better in the morning. Well i woke up around 7am to get ready to leave for our flight and the vertigo was back and the stomach pain. I only puked twice i felt better after i got home in florida around 4pm i was 80% back to normal. I went to bed around 10pm last night and woke up today around 8am i feel like im in a daze like sleepy but i feel very out of it i feel depressed and have loads of anxiety (which i already have normally) i dont know whats wrong with me im freaking out, im scared this has permanently damaged my brain and in going to feel like this forever. Is it because im off vacation? Or because a counteractment with my adderall and alcohol? Someone please ease my mind i hate feeling this way. And any pointers on how to get myself back to normal :( + + +",Anxiety +52029,"I can't deal with this anymore My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. It has gotten to the point where I'm getting anxiety attacks almost everyday now and I don't know how to make it stop. I can't stop worrying and overthinking. My brain won't shut up. It has been keeping me up at night and I wake up every morning feeling anxious. I've tried meditation, exercising, yoga and I even cut caffeine out of my diet but nothing has worked. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I don't think I can cope with this much longer. I feel like I'm on the verge of having a mental breakdown.",Anxiety +34911,"Insulin Price Gouging I'll never understand how and why God blesses me to have money to buy this insulin, and I'll never understand why and how these manufacturers think it's ok to charge so much for life saving medications. Imagine being told you must pay this amount or possibly die. How is this legal and moral, and why isnt there more outrage? Why isnt anyone trying to help fix this? +#insulin #Diabetes #pricegouging #insulin4all",Anxiety +288,Why are you so worried since yesterday...,Anxiety +34670,"Tips to cure from erectile dysfunction ""Erectile dysfunction, also known as impotence, is a medical term that describes the inability to achieve and/or maintain a penis adequately erect for sexual intercourse.To cure erectile dysfunction or to cure impotence there are several actions you can take to improve your ability to get and keep erections, +perform in bed, and make your erectile dysfunction either go away or become significantly less severe."" +",Anxiety +34533,"Colon Cancer Fears Creeping In again Hi. + +So.. it’s been a long time since I posted In here but today I had a bowel movement that was very dodgy. So my colon cancer fears have come back. Last year it sent me to the Dr. Multiple times. I don’t have any other symptoms. No blood, no weight loss (if anything I’ve put a little on) no fatigue etc. - Just dodgy bowel movements. 1-2 times per day. + +I’m unsure as sometimes I’ll have these weird flat bowel movements then I’ll have normal ones. + +Just don’t wanna be consumed by this fear again? ",Anxiety +52466,"I cant function anymore, my cognitive abilities are much worse than back in the days. i am emotionally unstable and cry a lot. long story short: + +for a better understanding, i harmed my body and soul so many times because of untreaded trauma ( i think), i drink booze on the weekends since my 18th birthday, and later some party drugs came in. + +if i would have a glimpse of which pain i will live through back in the days i would have never touched any drug. + +i had so many breakdowns in the last 3 years and it feels like i will never be the person again i was. + +with the booze and the drugs came panic attacks and anxiety disorders. + +i am not the same anymore and dont know if this ever will pass. + +i feel miserable, no energy, cant laugh anymore, its like being buried alive. + +how did some of you guys survived this and are your cognitive functions and general well being better? + +i just try with all in my power to get healthy mentally and body. + +im thankful for every help out there, thank you for taking time to read my story.",Anxiety +35134,"Elevated liver enzymes and elevated protein in blood. I’m trippin I had a comprehensive metabolic panel done to see how my potassium level was doing because of two medications I am on (yaz and spironolactone). My potassium level was fine my they found elevated liver enzymes and elevated proteins in my blood. + + +I’m freaking out - I know I shouldn’t web md it but I can’t help myself and I’ve been googling it for hours now. + + +I’m a 28F, exercise daily, eat well, 135lbs, I vape, rarely drink alcohol. I have a history of drug abuse though, iv user for 2 years but I’ve been clean for the last 7 and have been tested for hiv/hep c when I first got sober and it was negative. + + +I spoke w a pharmacist who said it is rare that my medications could cause this. I’m wondering if it is my past drug use that is causing this? Or an autoimmune disease, which runs in the family? Or what? And slightly more benign causes?",Anxiety +35225,"Scared I have lymphoma I have extreme anxiety and this has been almost crippling. +I have 5 abnormal lymph nodes in my neck that are all over 1 cm in size. I’m getting a biopsy today for them and I’ve never been more scared in my life. +I don’t have really any other symptoms other than it’s sore in the area, headaches, stuffy nose, and sometimes it’s harder to swallow since my neck is so sore. +I’ve had the swollen lymph nodes for a month now with them gradually getting bigger. They can move around to the touch. +I had blood work done 3 weeks ago and it came back normal. But I’m still afraid I have cancer. +I don’t know how to stop assuming the worse. I can’t stop looking things up with the only results being lymphoma. ",Anxiety +35003,"Psyching myself out over hereditary cancer So this last Summer my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that has since gotten way worse. When she was diagnosed and they were testing her they found out that she a gene that can cause it and that gene can be passed down to my brother and I. I don’t even know the exact details of it, but I’ve read stuff about how with hereditary colon cancer you have anywhere from a 50-80% chance of developing it anytime before you’re 50. That obviously scares the absolute shit out of me. + +They said even with a healthy diet and exercise you still have a chance of getting it before 50. You can only do so much to control it basically. I went to see one doctor for something unrelated and she told me I needed to get screened at age 32 (I’m 22) but I’m scared I’ll get it before then and it’ll be too late. + +My mother didn’t realize she had it for over a year and when she finally had symptoms she was already stage 4. + +Idk I’m freaking myself the hell out because I’ve battled intense health anxiety all my life and what’s happening to my mother and what I’ve learned from it is triggering the fuck out of me. It doesn’t help that I’m extremely picky and find it harder than most to eat healthy and the only exercise I get is walking and light lifting at work. ",Anxiety +226,"If you are stuck sleeping at 11am until set 12. If you are more than that, you will be anxious, why are you?”",Anxiety +33936,"fear of death and do i have mental illness?? every-night i keep thinking of death thinking how i would die and get panic attack , the reason why i wont sleep is because of this panic attack causing me to get insufficient sleep. + +i also used to have have thoughts of bolder and counting coins in my head and getting scared to move i know what im doing is silly but its just so scary it only happens rarely like once a year or a few years it used to happen when i was a child. is there something wrong with me ?",Anxiety +35168,"Relatively new anxiety causing constant fear of testicular torsion Hey, so I know this sounds just ridiculous but ever since I learned about this happening I keep on thinking that it will happen to me. It's lost me sleep, I have lost appetite and I end up thinking about it way more often than I'd like to and I don't know how to stop. My anxiety has started relatively recently but it's been very strong and it's honestly been the most frustrating thing I've ever had to deal with. Any advice on either assuring myself that nothing is wrong or anything else?",Anxiety +52644,"Constantly having dreams (or nightmares) about doing school presentations I'm 27, but I've been having dreams about having to do school presentations and knowing that all the students are going to be watching me. It's not super frequent, but at least once or twice a month for the past few months. I don't even have any presentations coming up, like for work...",Anxiety +514,"Oh my, I'm the one who's worried :(",Anxiety +35647,"TSS I’ve used super absorbent tampons over the course of the last few days. I may have left one in a tick more than 8 hours yesterday and now I’ve convinced myself that my hands are redder than usual and that I’m going to die. No fever, chills, vomiting or diarrhea. Some peeling on my feet (pads of toes) but that could’ve been there for weeks because it’s been a bit since I got a pedicure. My hands and feet do feel a teeny tiny bit tingly, but that very well could be because I’m having a mini freak out. + + +My understanding is that if I actually have TSS I would know that *something* is up relatively quickly. +",Anxiety +34470,"Back pain and worst anxiety day in years!! Crying and scared 33 female. I have been doing really well with health anxiety, not googling, going to therapy etc. NOT TODAY! i am terrified I have some sort of kidney disease or something. Last night when I went to bed at 1 am i was irritated with back pain, sort of mid back no matter how i moved, so I changed my pillow (my old one was giving me neck pain and headaches) and still no relief. I didn't sleep well. I have been unable to function all morning so far bc I can't stop googling kidney failure, infections, back pain etc. I have sort of all over back pain, mid back, lower back, not sharp but achey and like i pulled something. I can really feel it when i take a deep breath or move. Sitting on my couch right now even hurts. I finally broke down and took ibuprofen. I also keep excessively checking my urine to see if its cloudy and keep moving and touching my back and checking for other kidney symptoms. On sunday i spend several hours sitting on the floor going through several closets of clothing reaching and moving differently than normal. Yesterday I carried a heavy gaming system by myself from the floor to my car to the post office, I also used my lap top while sitting on my couch to work most of the day and evening....Is it possible this is from weird posture and will go away or should I be going to the ER???? I know my anxiety is probably making it worse and my husband and parents are giving me the silent treatment now because I've had a slip in my anxiety. I am just really really really scared.",Anxiety +35505,"How to go about requesting a heart check up? Hi everyone, I guess I’ve always been a little bit of a hypochondriac, but serious health anxiety is a new thing for me. I was required recently to take a 9 hour long first aid certification class for a new job, in which we discussed heart attacks and cardiac arrest for hours on end. Following that, I’ve been seeing deaths of young people around my age such a Lotte Van Der (19) and Felicite Tomlinson (18). I am 21, and now I’m in constant fear of an underlying heart issue that I am unaware of. I would like to get whatever tests are necessary to easy up some of my anxiety, because I know that I have never had any tests done regarding my heart. So my question is how do I go about this? What do I request? My mom suggested I say that there is a history of heart attacks in my family, but I’m not sure if that’s necessary. At 21, am I going to receive a lot of push back regarding the necessity of these tests or is it pretty straight forward to get? Any advice would be great, thank you so much. ",Anxiety +34781,"Why does my vision go black for a split second?? For a while now my vision has been doing this thing where I go blind for a millisecond a few times in a row, almost like I’m blinking without actually blinking. My blood pressure is fine, I don’t get dizzy, I don’t have anxiety when it happens, it just randomly happens. I can be doing anything and all of the sudden it’s like someone turned the lights in a room off and back on real quick. It’s strange. Is this something to worry about? Any help would be great. 👍🏼 ",Anxiety +52847,"I live with two people in my family who have schizophrenia and there was a butcher knife placed on a picture of me i’m a 19 year old cc student and i live with my grandma, mom, uncle, aunt, and little sister. + +my mom has a meth addiction and she’s developed schizophrenia from it and it’s been getting worse as the years go on. my uncle was hit on the head at a young age and im not exactly sure what he struggles since we never talk but i think it’s schizophrenia. my mom doesn’t take her meds i think and my grandma is constantly trying to help her with moving in and out of motels and rehabs and all this stuff for the past 8 months or so (realistically she’s been trying to help her for many many years now but my mom had moved out) recently my mom moved back in like a week ago. my uncle is very strange and i don’t know really anything about him. he leaves his room a few times a day and doesn’t talk to anyone, sometimes i hear him talk to himself in his room, but he doesn’t yell and scream like my mom does, he’s just very quiet and intense. + +so earlier tonight i was using my grandmas phone for school since mine was dead, and i got curious to look in her messages between my mom because i’ve seen messages between them before where my mom is talking about how she hears voices talking about someone wanting to kill me and how she’s constantly was thinking about me and she doesn’t think i’m safe. so i looked and my aunt (she’s mentally well) sent my grandma a picture where she found a big butcher knife placed on top of a picture of me. + +the message said “*uncles name* is acting strange again. i asked *moms name* if she did this and she said she didn’t. does *uncles name* know what it means to stab someone? that they will die?” in the photo my aunt sent my grandma, the picture of me was in like a mouse pad that was custom made with a photo of me from 4th grade. the thing is i’m not sure if it’s a coincidence because the mouse pad is on a desk for like where a computer used to be but the desk in like directly connected to the kitchen like almost next to it, so it could be possible that someone had happened to place that knife there so i didn’t really freak out. but i talked to some friends and when i kinda said it out loud to them i did kinda realize like damn that does kinda sound bad and they told me that yea it’s probably not safe. + +i don’t know if it was my uncle or mom either though, if it even was intentional. my uncle used to come home and hit me in the head as a kid a lot, and we would yell and scream at each other (we lived together for like 6 years and this would happen, then we moved, then we moved again and he moved back in with us) but ever since we moved back in again we literally do not talk to each other at all. he’s very awkward around me and everyone tbh and quiet, and i can tell he doesn’t like to be in the same room as me even though i do not interact with him at all whatsoever. we’ve said hey to each other like less than 10 times over the years and that’s about it. he does kinda seem like he hates me but i don’t think he would want to kill me. on the other hand it’s possible that my mom was lying to my aunt, but from what i’ve seen i don’t think my mom wants to kill me either. whenever she has talked about me in that way it’s more of a “this is my son i need to protect him from whoever gonna kill him” type of way rather than a malicious tone. but again, they are both schizophrenic which i really don’t know much about besides they can be unpredictable and so that’s why i’m asking. + +i know it’s weird to ask about this on reddit but i really don��t have anyone to talk to about it. i’m not going to directly confront my uncle about it because again we are very distant and he’s a big guy i just don’t want to i feel like it’d be worse, and i don’t want to ask my mom because i know she would say no even if she did. i’m going to ask my grandma tomorrow since i haven’t been able to since she’s been asleep all night, but she’s just going to ignore me after i express my concerns, which she always does. i can talk to my aunt about it even though we’re not really too close but yeah. + +another thing is my grandma sent the photo my aunt sent her to my uncle asking if he did it and he kind of just ignored it, didn’t deny it so. but yea i cant really move out or anything, i don’t have the money for that since i just graduated high school and honestly i don’t have a job right now since i’m a full time student and i just don’t know where i would go. i don’t have any friends that would let me live with them either so that’s out of the picture . the best thing i’m hoping for is the convince my grandma to have them move out but that’ll probably never happen even though i want it to so bad. i just don’t know if this is a coincidence with the knife and i shouldn’t be worried or what i should do so yea pls help",Anxiety +52840,"Getting through the day How do you get anything done with anxiety. I can keep up the house with 3 kids and 3 adults. However, it is quite overwhelming. How does everyone discipline themselves to follow a list or take time for self care? I'm in a constant state of this should be easier and I should be doing better. My thoughts are so negative and mean to myself. Thanks for any and all suggestions.",Anxiety +52671,"Since December I had a complete breakdown in December, nearly a month to the day after writing my mom out of my life. I am mid 30s, and my therapist said I have two ptsd triggers from childhood trauma, with my mother being the largest chunk. + +The ER trip in December involved barking ""Help"" but feeling like I wasn't the one saying it, and randomly losing consciousness due to hyperventilating, and intense heart palpitations. + +The heart palpitations and hyperventilating happened about 7 years ago as well, and I remember doing similar when I was a young kid. + +I had another panic attack last week, and my anxiety has been up and down. Hydroxyzine for panic instances, and prozac to keep me level. + +My mind instantly goes to the worst places when my anxiety is high: it's a stroke, a heart attack, a tumor, an uncurable/unknown disease. + +Thanks to therapy, I'm no longer depersonalizing/derealizing, but this just means that staying in the moment involves powering through intense heart palpitations, fear, and cold/hot feelings. + +The medication brought back a handful of dreams for the first time in more than a decade or two, but only for a week. But now, I have had a handful of ""simple"" auditory hallucinations, such as a drum beat, a beeping sound, or the sound of water pouring, all of which are coming from in my head. + +Has anyone had a similar mental breakdown after removing someone like a parent? Work has been a stressor too, but my mom was the trigger, and work was the icing. For months before this, I was frequently tired and not hungry at all, and always stressed at work, and had a short temper. + +I just want to feel normal. Right now, things are generally ok, but when that spiraling anxiety occurs, it's really hard to break free and feel like I'm staying sane.",Anxiety +52823,,Anxiety +52664,Meds Has anyone on here taken Paxil? I’m on it and I feel so exhausted and lethargic all of the time now and I don’t have the energy to do the things that I enjoy. Do I just need to give it more time? It’s been about a month. Any insight helps. Thank you,Anxiety +104,Very restless can't sleep ™,Anxiety +35745,"I have a chest cold So of course I probably have cancer. And my head hurts a little so I'm sure I'm headed for an aneurysm. My back is sore from sleeping on a shitty mattress but it could be scoliosis. I peed more than usual today so of course my kidneys are in jeopardy. Ugh, I am tired. So MS, right? + +Anyway, I am just annoyed at my thoughts and figured they needed to get out of my head. ",Anxiety +33976,"Worried something is wrong with my heart I have been having occasional chest pains on and off for a week and a half now, and I've been struggling to sleep. Well, I was taking a bath after exercising and I didn't really do anything but turn to the side to reach for some bath gel and I felt something similar to a pop in my chest. It was right in the area that my heart would be. I thought it was odd, and when I stood (slowly) I felt a little light headed to get out of the bath. I had two short, quick pains in that same spot and now I haven't had any pain since that. There is no heaviness in my chest. My stomach is fine. But my heart has been feeling like it's been pounding not long after that. I've been feeling like I should just give in and head to the ER.. It's taking everything I have to not ask to go because I don't want to go and end up getting a big bill over nothing because I don't think my insurance will cover it. I'm inwardly freaking out now.",Anxiety +33944,"Could I have chronic appendicitis? Hello, I found this subreddit yesterday and it kinda makes me feel good that I know I'm not alone. About 3 days ago, I started to feel pain in my lower right abdomen. I only felt it when I was moving and coughing. Yesterday (2nd day of pain) it started to hurt more (about 6/10). Today it's better, but i still feel it. I didn't feel any pain when I touched it, but today I feel it a little, even when it's better when moving/coughing. I am scared of what it could be. Do you think it's normal to feel this kind of constant pain for 3 days straight? Btw I was on 4 sets of antibiotics last 2-3 months, I was even hospitalized because of 10kg weight loss, but it was probably due to mononucleosis I had. All tests in hospital went fine. Thanks for answers! I'm really scared that I have some serious condition, like all of us, of course.",Anxiety +52227,"Backsliding Anxiety Avalanche 35 F and I need help. Apologies for typos (on mobile) and length, but so, so grateful for those who read this. + +My shoulders, chest, back and jaw are always cleanched like I'm subconsciously trying to curl up into myself. I cant sleep, small sounds cause my heart to race and I wake up with adrenaline. I'm always exhausted, and because of this, I'm feeling so hopeless. I cry out of fear or frustration at least once a day now making me feel pathetic and empty. I shake, have numb limbs, depersonalization and chronically check my pulse. I feel like I'm dying all the time and like someone vacuumed all the joy and confidence I once built up out of my soul. + +I stopped taking sertraline after 8ish years and it's going terribly. I slowly weaned myself off because of an imminent lack of insurance back in September, and I'm not doing well. Before I went off medication, I went part time from working a full time management position for over 12 years. At first, I was elated to be home so much. I had dreamed of being part time, accomplishing so many things at home, ( we bought a foreclosed home 9 years ago with TONS of issues) just being less stressed in general, but because of the part time status, I lost insurance. My partner who works 12 hour days and I were not married yet, and knowing I would lose coverage and wanting to get pregnant soon, I slowly weaned myself off Sertraline as responsibly as possible. This actually went okay, surprisingly, but I'm thinking it was because I still had medication in my system. + +Before I was off meds I was binge drinking about 2-3 times per week, which has been an issue since I was 18, as well as insane amounts of weed smoking- so, additional self medication that was frankly really bad to do on meds. Drinking was ingrained in me as a coping mechanism that caused so, so many problems over the years. Being medicated helped numb the terrible anxiety and withdrawing I would go through with drinking, so it made it possible to continue this cycle for years. I am a very naturally anxious person, from childhood until now. I am an only child who had an extremely verbally abusive father which I know caused a lot of problems. + +By December of this year I had noticed the familiar feelings of not just hints-of-anxiousness, but the crippling anxiety coming back. I drink a bit in Decemeber, and for at least five days after, would notice terrible, horrible anxiety, withdrawals and sleeplessness. This was so much more severe unmedicated I literally had to stop which had not happened consistently since my teens. Because of it being a coping mechanism, and major ingrained habit, I had some huge issues mourning a ""friend"" and psuedo-tool I had used for years to overcome social anxiety and insecurity. This was obviously never helping, but in the throes of addiction and habit, I couldn't recognize it. + +Then caffeine started affecting me in a negative way. Even small amounts would cause heart palpitations and severe unease. It became a gateway for a panic attack. I would usually consume a decent amount of caffeine before work, which made me feel more efficient, confident and social. Just like drinking. Now, I had lost two major things I used to cope with life. I had some peace with knowing I should have quit drinking years ago and letting it go, but now I couldn't even handle caffeine? But wait! There's more! Enter weed smoking, which I had already largely cut back. I went from smoking as soon as I got home from work to just before bed to sleep. I have always had major sleeping issues and maijuana helped turn my obsessive thoughts off so I could sleep. Now it was causing the same panic caffeine did. I had a violent panic attack in January after smoking and almost thought I needed to call an ambulance. + +I'm sure by now, you can see I have some substance reliance issues. I know this, and I'm not proud. I should in theory be proud I stopped three bad habits/addictions AND antidepressants. Instead, I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel devastatingly hopeless. I feel truly alien, like I cant be a normal functioning human. I'm chronically jittery, exhausted and scared. I feel like although overcoming addiction I have backslid into my lowest low. I have had to leave work because of panic attacks. I dont go out to social events unless absolutely necessary, and spend the whole time in partial terror. I have no joy in anything I used to care about. I feel like I'm driving my mother and husband insane with my repetitive, obsessive anxieties, insecurities and attacks. They are so supportive, but I cant help but feel like they are a little over it. + +The last two months have been awful. By now, I expected some relief from my brain getting used to being off meds, but instead I'm now worried this is just who I am unmedicated. I obsess about the house not being fixed, people judging it, things imminently breaking, about not being pregnant yet, ( biological clock shit) disapointing family and friends and its leaving me feeling utterly hopeless. I have been in therepy off and on for years, read countless books, every supplement out there, meditation, watched tons of videos and documentaries on anxiety, improved my diet, reached out to others, breathing exercises... you name it. I know most of the tools to help with anxiety. I've tried almost all of them. I have held off on going back on medication in hopes of becoming pregnant, but that hasn't happened yet and frankly I dont want to start and stop medication again right now. + +I'm afraid of everything. I feel like I'm disconnected and disassociated from myself. Its unrelenting. I dont have ""good"" days, lately. Shit, I'd take mediocre ones! I have tried to push through, get tasks done around the house to feel like I'm accomplishing something, positive affirmations...nothing is working. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of being afraid of basic life tasks, like making appointments, working, social obligations, etc. I'm tired of feeling adrenaline over every sound, waking up anxious, taking hours to fall asleep because I'm anxious and dont sleep. Im so sore because I'm always clenched and tense. I'm always checking my pulse. Im always worried about horrible things happening to myself and family, health related or otherwise. This cyclical unrelenting chronic crippling anxiety is making me insane. I am considering therepy again, but past experiences have not been the best. + +I guess I'm just trying to find someone who gets it. This isn't something I feel like the average person who I've talked to about anxiety understands. Who else has panic attacks in the freezer aisle of the grocery store, work or at baby showers? My senses feel so heightened to any stimuli. I cant keep putting on a brave face and hearing people's surprise when I tell them how anxious I am all the time. ""But you're so calm! You seem so chill!"" Ugh. I must mask it well because I'm internally combusting. This doesnt feel like it will ever relent, and I'm starting to just feel anxious and depressed, chronically. I cant live like this anymore, and I'm losing all hope of improving. + +Thank you so much for reading!",Anxiety +35418,"Shaft Ring too tight...worried Used a rubber ring, the kind that just goes around the penis shaft that I purchased for erection quality (a problem also caused by anxiety) but it was way too tight and very painful so I took it off as quickly as possible. Could intense squeezing like this for a minute cause any permanent damage? I didn't have any noticeable bruising or pain after and the doctor didn't see anything wrong but I am still worried. Any thoughts would be appreciated ",Anxiety +35843,"Can’t stop worrying about severe illness, cancer, surgery, and anesthesia failure - think I’m going to jinx it happening by stopping worrying about it. This is pretty superstitious, but basically it’s the fear of the fact that often things happen when you least expect them, so I’m afraid to stop expecting them to happen in order to control them into not happening. + +The other thing is that if I stop worrying about them, I get comfortable and attached to my lifestyle, and then if something happens, it’s going to be more of a letdown. This already happened this year. I got a very small Pilonidal Cyst (now on track to get a minor procedure to remove it), and at first I was devastated - mostly because for a while I had forgotten about the possibility of these things happening, so there was more of a shock value. I’m afraid of the shock factor of enjoying my life and being hit with cancer versus expecting it all along and hopefully mitigating a bit of it.",Anxiety +53001,"Magnesium for anxiety-related heart palpitations? I have heart palpitations that I’ve been to a cardiologist about for years and have always been told they’re just a result of anxiety. I hear of people having heart palpitations during panic attacks or while feeling anxious, but I have them all day everyday no matter how calm or regular the moment is. I suppose underlying anxiety is still there, as I’m a jittery person naturally. But they’re annoying and distracting. I tried a beta blocker but it did absolutely nothing, my cardiologist says anxiety meds might help but I’m nervous to take any pills I don’t have to. + +I heard magnesium helps with heart palpitations but I know nothing about it, how much is good versus bad, what form to take it in, etc… any info is appreciated! + +Anyone alleviate heart palpitations with magnesium? I’d love to hear about your experience.",Anxiety +34920,"At what age did your HA start? I have always been a bit uneasy about medical problems, but didn’t start feeling physical symptoms until about a week and a half ago. With no triggers or life circumstances to speak of, my brain started telling me I need to take deeper breaths than I am capable of taking. The next day I hyperventilated so hard that my hands went numb and curled up tight. I am 24 and until recently I figured I had managed to evade young adult mental illness. Most people I know had it start at a much younger age. Any other late bloomers here?",Anxiety +34630,"Brain / Neuro issues? Hi all, + +Like a lot of people with h.a., my biggest fear is having a brain tumor. + +So, I've had some weird vision things for the past year and I've been to an opthalmologist twice (because the first time wasn't enough apparently). I sometimes see glittery floaters or what appears to be a quick line through my vision. Also, I sometimes have funky peripheral sparkles. My opthalmologist performed intensive tests and said my eyes look extremely healthy. + +I think I'm ""seeing"" these things because of my anxiety and stress of my life as a college student. It's just very concerning it doesn't seem to go away... But the doc probably knows best. + +Also commonly, headaches are pretty common... + +Finally, maybe once a year I'll have an ocular migraine where I get some weird vision tricks and my lips and fingers seem numb. Although these are probably nothing major I've been wanting to get an MRI just to be sure. + +Mother thinks most of this is caused by me over committing to activities and my academic stress in college but some of these symptoms seem so real it's hard to not think it's a neuroloical issue. Ive been told to try deep breathing and exercise. Have of you experienced these things? + +Thank you everybody... :/ ",Anxiety +34908,"When can we celebrate victory and rejoice? 26M. Met my first panic attack mid-August 2018. The next five month that followed were hard and you all know how it feels. + +I do remember there was a period in October and November when anxiety went away. I was happy, but happy too early, it came back knocking on my brain’s door last month. I do remember the frustration I felt because of that. + +The most recent anxiety episode was on the 4th of January. I’ve been feeling well for almost 2 weeks now. I do get anxiety-typical bodily symptoms, but I have been better at ignoring or noticing very little of that. The ‘what if?...’ thing is still in my head, but I try to reassure myself it’s not logical. + +My question is, when can one be sure his anxieties disappeared and are not likely to reoccur? It’s been a ‘too-good-to-be-true-twelve-anxiety-free-days’, but is this the case to celebrate a victory yet?",Anxiety +53026,again low the fear of going crazy.. it's here again.. is there anyone else dealing with it?..,Anxiety +34004,"Struggle Bus ... I'm riding it today, maybe even driving it. No need to get into details, I'm just anxious for my health and a family member's health (I hate that I project my HA to other people, as if I didn't do enough worrying as is). + +I went to the gym despite getting shitty sleep last night and feeling AWFUL all day because I knew it was better than coming home from work and ruminating. And I'm about to listen to an anxiety podcast and a guided meditation for sleep. So there are a couple wins despite the day being a dud. + +But I just wanted to write it out that today sucked and my worrying sucks and I hate it. I know I'm not alone when I come here, and for that I am grateful. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for me and anyone else riding the bus. ",Anxiety +52871,"C19 I was just wondering if anyone is paranoid about C19? + +I am still masking up, trying to keep my distance and washing and anti-baccing my hands like its going out of fashion.",Anxiety +35030,"Lower left back pains, muscular or organs? Hello! + +&#x200B; + +For the past week ive been dealing with pain in my lower left back and lower left side. I dont know what do think of it, my health anxiety says organs and i say muscles. + +&#x200B; + +I tried to do some stretches on my left side and i felt that it did hurt and something stretched. Then i tried the same stretches on my right side and i didnt feel anything (so i guess tha side is fine). The stretches just gives SOME relief for a few minutes (3-4) but i cant convince myself that its my muscles doing it. I think its my kidney, so stomach, some else organ in my body thats making the pain. Do u guys know anything about this cuz its really freaking me out?",Anxiety +52392,How is self-esteem related to anxiety? Maybe I am suffering from extreme anxiety because of my low self-worth. And my anxiety is limiting me in the things I can do so I even believe less in myself. It’s like a vicious cycle.. anyway out?,Anxiety +401,"FEAR, GIVE UP, WORRY, YES HOW YES???",Anxiety +52175,I’ve had enough of anxiety Hope you are all okay. Idk what is wrong with me had a panic attack in the city for no apparent reason three months ago and I’m still struggling now. It’s manifested into everytime I go into a shop I feel a bit off balance and dizzy and my head feels funny. I’m overthinking EVERY SYMPTOM. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DONIVE HAD ENOUGH !! I just want to be okay again. I want to Litterally just get married but to get married I need a job and a job makes me anxious for no reason other than my anxiety. I avoid working in places because if I feel dizzy or have a panic attack it will be more likely to happen in that setting. How do I even help myself. I’ve been in WAY WORSE SITUATIONS than this but having the feeling if impending doom most days has come out of nowhere. I just want it to go. I’m scared of the doctors but want to go to the doctor for reassurance but realistically reassurance makes everything worse. I DONT HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR OR EPILEPSY OR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE OR STUPID STUFF LIEK THIS BUT I NEED TO BELIEVE IT BUT MY SYMPTOMS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE THEM!,Anxiety +52284,"This works for a first post I guess Hi. You can call me ClarityHound. I've never posted on reddit before, and i've rarely posted anywhere else. I'm terrified of people, and the idea that someone, probably multiple strangers, are going to read the words I say is absolutely terrifying to me. + +But I'm lonely. + +It's not that I don't like people. I've had very close friendships with people throughout life, I've just never made the first move. I guess I'm posting this to change that and I thought this would be a good place to start. (also if i start playing factorio before doing this, im never gonna do it) + +&#x200B; + +Tl;Dr : Hi reddit, you terrify me, lets be friends + +edit: I forgot this isn't my first post, but it is the first one where im brutally honest about myself so eh",Anxiety +34025,Health anxiety and ocd Where is the line drawn between health anxiety and ocd focused on health? The boundary seems kind of arbitrary to me. Could someone explain it to me?,Anxiety +52360,Temporary relief from anxiety This helps me become calm and mentally clear?! What is it... Chemicals that fry your brain? Nope... It's CBD oil: https://allianthemp.com/collections/all,Anxiety +35221,"Heart attack scare - here’s what it actually was... I have GAD and I’m especially plagued by health anxiety. + +2 weeks ago I was spinning out, chest pains, shortness of breath, pains in arms you get the gist. I’m sure you all understand the downward spiral of HA. + +The weekend prior to that I went to an event and had purchased a new bra, turns out it was a wee bit ill fitting and I was uncomfortable in it but didn’t think much of it. + +Turns out ill fitting bras can mimic heart attack pains and my shoulders and arms hurt because the straps were too tight. + +I felt like a moron. Anyway, an entire week of worrying crying you name it. My bra ended up being too tight. Wow. ",Anxiety +34999,"Stomach problems for 1 month Hi guys, me again :) + +So I’ve been having stomach issues for the past month which I am pretty sure are due to anxiety / stress, but still have got me worried! + +It began a month ago, when I took some magnesium on an empty stomach ( I’ve been taking it to help with palpitations) and I got crazy stomach cramps. Since then, I’ve had gas and bloating and uncomfortable bowel movements. I went to a doctor overseas (I’ve been traveling) who didn’t do any tests but just told me to take probiotics which I have been doing. + +Now that is been a couple weeks and things haven’t gone away I’m beginning to get worried. However, I can’t go to the doctor yet because my medical insurance doesn’t kick in until February 1st. + +A couple more details on my current symptoms: I have gas and bloating in the morning and before I go to bed. No problems really during the day. The pain does seem to be more localized on my right hand side. I do also get heartburn. + +Why I think it might be anxiety is because 1) I’ve travelled to 4 different time zones in the period of a 6 weeks which usually messes with my digestion. 2) I’ve been pretty anxious and stressed out because of traveling, flying, and looking for work. 3) my diet has been really out of whack as I’ve been in so many countries recently so I eat whatever is there. + +I’m finally back home for good now, so stress is going down but the symptoms have not unfortunately:( what do you guys think? I don’t want to go to the doctor until I get insurance because it will be very expensive but waiting a week or more to see what is going on is killing me! ",Anxiety +34540,"Terrified of brain amoeba / fowleri Hi everyone. I'm down in South Australia, and I've found myself going a little insane over something very silly for the last day.... + +I will start by saying that our water has a decent amount of chlorine as far as I can tell, it's the only thing you can taste in the water, and if you fill a bathtub it's even ever so slightly green. There's never been an order to boil water or anything of the sort either here. + +So moving onto story time. I often get itchy eyes before bed, so I keep a glass of water in the bathroom, that way I can rinse my eyes out quickly to calm things down, the glass of water had probably been out for a few hours, anywhere from 6- 12. Last night I did it, and as the water ran down my face a little bit got in my nose, maybe a drop or 2 tops. I started freaking a minute later as I remembered all I'd read about fowleri.... I blew my nose a bunch, and I rolled up some toilet paper, and stuck it up my nostril as well in an attempt to deal with any water that had made its way up there. I spent a terrified hour in bed reading things on my phone, and eventually calmed down enough to sleep. + +Now all day today I haven't had a fever or anything of the sort, but I have been getting sinus headaches. (Quite possibly from blowing my nose so much) And I got rather paranoid in the shower too, anytime water got near my nose, or even the tiniest bit might have entered I freaked out a bit. My right nostril which is the one the water entered is also worse than the left, but the discomfort might just be from me freaking out and blowing it a ton... I have bad sinuses at the best of times, so it could just be dust or allergies too. + +I know I'm probably being silly, but some confirmation would be lovely, especially since the glass of water, while cold was sitting out a long time... A day of sinus headaches just doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, even if it probably was cause I wouldn't leave things alone. One last thing to note is that 2 family members of mine recently had colds, so that might be why I'm feeling crappy sinus wise too, the right side being worse than the left still has me all freaked out though.",Anxiety +35333,"Scared of Crohn's Disease I had a canker sore in my mouth two weeks ago, it has healed now but I just thought ""what if it comes back"". I have no idea if I have had this feeling for a long time but just now noticed it that I kinda feel like the roof of my mouth is burning and it stops when I don't pay attention to it. I have always had some problems with my stomach, they have gotten better in last two years (male, 19 y/o now). I have had a gastroscopy before but never gotten a colonoscopy because that makes me anxious. Gastroscopy showed that I have no reflux and everything looks good, biopsies from my duodenum came back normal, no coeliac disease or other diseases. I just can't stop worrying if I have an IBD and that is what is causing my mouth symptoms. Would Crohn's disease show on the biopsies taken from my duodenum? I just feel like it would be real unlikely because no-one in my family never have had an IBD and I don't smoke (Apparently smokers are twice as likely to develop Crohn's than non-smokers). ",Anxiety +537,"faced with extraordinary emotions, stagnation and anxiety but it is forbidden to remove it. very bad situation.",Anxiety +35027,Having a hard time today I have tenderness below my sternum that has been freaking me out. I also have a sore throat and feel like I’m coming down with something. My husband is throwing up and I think my almost-two year old is getting sick as well. I’m obsessing over the sternum thing (what kind of cancer is it?) and now I have flu and pneumonia fears. I wish I could go back to how I once was.,Anxiety +35162,"Wearing a monitor for two weeks... any tips to take your mind off of it? My cardiologist has me wearing a small monitor for two weeks as my palpitations tend to be sporadic. Even though it’s small and just sticks to my chest, it’s been one day and it’s driving me nuts. I’m always aware that it’s there and that’s making my anxiety and, ironically, my palpitations worse just knowing it’s recording everything. Trying to sleep last night was awful so now I know my anxiety will be worse today. + +Has anyone worn one for awhile and do you have any tips for trying to take your mind off of it?",Anxiety +52855,"cant say no to anyone M18 i cant for the life of me say no to anyone, i get extremely anxious and overwhelmed when i think about disagreeing with someone or just saying something else because i’m afraid they’ll disagree back so i agree to make things easier. only person i can truly be me is like my mom but even my gf i just agree with everything like i’m on autopilot and i don’t know how to stop it. if i try i stutter and get so much anxiety, really weird",Anxiety +35403,weird aching pain in left side of chest i can't tell if it's breast pain or not but there's this weird achy feeling in the left side of my chest it's not that painful but it is really annoying it was happening last night and now it's happening again should i be worried? ,Anxiety +578,"So sad, I really want to cry. don't like it. make restless.",Anxiety +692,"don't be nervous, and don't worry. When the time comes, you'll know what to do. ~Walt Disney",Anxiety +34787,"What a week it's been So this week I've had a heart attack, pancreatitis, pancreatic cancer, kidney failure, prostate cancer and lymphoma. It's madness.",Anxiety +52077,"Driving lessons I really don’t like driving and honestly i really don’t need to drive either at the moment. I have had lessons in an manual this recently switched to automatic. I not a great driver either, I get too close to the pavement and don’t like going fast. When its focusing on parking I’m less stressed out, as it’s an empty car park. + +I guess I don’t like having to concentrate and although there is less to concentrate on with an automatic I still don’t like it. When I’m a passenger unless it’s like a short trip I’m asleep or if it’s short I am looking around or checking my phone. + +Went on much faster roads and lots of roundabouts, accidental knocked a curb and someone on a roundabout in the left lane decided to give way to a truck waiting on the left while I was also on the roundabout in the right lane. + +Been having like 1.5 hour lessons and although I make sure that I don’t have much to drink before hand and go to the bathroom twice before my lesson. There is always anxiety and I’m either running from the car or very unfortunately last week was at the lights and far from being able to leave the car and I’m still mortified. And canceled by next lesson and wanting them to just keep the money for the one other lesson I prepaid for. I just really don’t want to see the instructor ever again. + +If it were up to me I wouldn’t continue driving lessons because I don’t like it and I don’t need to. I am very happy walking or getting the bus. But my parents don’t understand that I really don’t want to drive.",Anxiety +130,BY GOD I'M STILL WORRY.,Anxiety +35171,"Increasing exercise triggers HA? I’ve had anxiety for many years. I haven’t been on meds in a few years because I felt like I could manage it better. Up until now! + +Whenever I’m working out more regularly, my health anxiety flares up a thousand times. + +Please tell me I’m not alone! I thought exercise was supposed to help alleviate anxiety symptoms! + +",Anxiety +51865,"I’m really scared and proud I’ve been taking the same adhd pill since I was a very small child and I had to switch on weekends due to a shortage. I have some history with certain pills and their side effects which is why I am so anxious. (Not the average side effects either, the 1% that most people don’t get. The side effects were facial and tongue cramping due to a severe allergic reaction, slurred speech, throat swelling, and a tic like thing called Tardive dyskinesia) I am having waves of panic attacks, but I am so fucking proud of myself. I faced my fear, I took the pill. I did it. I faced my anxiety. This is a first as I usually cower to it. My anxiety is still going, but it’s not used to me challenging it.",Anxiety +34753,"Worried about my gallbladder - how to stay calm until my next ultrasound. (Quick background: I've had health anxiety since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's gone through the roof in the year & a half since she died.) + +A year ago my doctor discovered a small polyp on my gallbladder. It was only 3mm, but he decided to monitor it anyway just in case, which means an ultrasound every 6 months for 2 years. During my second ultrasound, the polyp was a little bigger -- this time, 4mm -- and my doctor seemed worried. But he seems like he gets worried easily, so I don't really know how I should feel... + +My mom's gallbladder was removed for a variety of reasons at 45, and it turned out hers had precancerous cells (cells that look a bit off and may develop into cancer). So my family history has me worried. I'm also concerned because (a) it's a single polyp, and single polyps are more likely to be cancerous, and (b) it's growing, albeit slowly. + +I keep trying to tell myself that I'm young (mid-twenties) and that gallbladder cancer is EXTREMELY unlikely in anyone under 40, but I can't shrug this awful feeling. Gallbladder cancer kills 85% of people within 5 years (though most people are diagnosed late-stage, so who knows what my odds would be if I actually had it). + +My next ultrasound is in a few weeks, and my anxiety levels are ridiculous. How do you guys find some peace when you have a test coming up? ",Anxiety +655,Need to get rid of various kinds of thoughts that make you anxious...,Anxiety +444,"restless and emotional like PMS again, even though it's over. it doesn't feel very comfortable. kesenggol stik wants to cry. – istighfar a lot",Anxiety +35166,"Underside of my jaw is more swollen on one side than the other? I'm so scared Hey guys, not sure what I'm looking for here. I'm home alone, don't have anyone to talk to and am freaking out. + +I don't know how to explain it but I'll do my best, so. Behind my chin underneath my jawline, one side is more swollen than the other when I tense my neck muscles. I first discovered it when I was prodding my neck, it's very pronounced when I tilt my head to the side. I tilted my head to the left, tensed my muscles and it felt like a huge mass under my jaw. I can feel a similar shape on the left side of my neck but it's nowhere near as big. It looks big in the mirror too. + +When I'm relaxed I can't feel anything. There is no pain and I haven't found any lumps, but I'm really starting to panic now. My mam comes back from holiday on Monday so I'll have her feel it. I don't want to go to the doctor because I just had a totally harmless cyst needlessly removed because I was convinced it was dangerous and I don't want him to think I'm hysterical (which I am, to be fair) + +I'm pretty sure it's always been like this, but I seem to be having a bad anxiety flare up. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm really going insane here!",Anxiety +34293,"HELP: Do I have Toe Nail Fungus? https://www.dropbox.com/s/o2vmiq0r8copo39/Toenail%20fungus%3F.jpg?dl=0 in the picture in the link below, you'll see that I have a white streak on my toenail, and I've felt a tingling feeling in that toe. However, the feeling did go away. I also sprayed a bunch of bleach when I was cleaning my bathtub last night. Any chance this feeling is just the symptom of bleach possibly getting into my toenails, or is this actually a symptom of toenail fungus? + +https://www.dropbox.com/s/o2vmiq0r8copo39/Toenail%20fungus%3F.jpg?dl=0",Anxiety +52335,"my throat..my throat please id appreciate any help.. LIKE ANY .. i have been to more than 4 ENT doctors and im fuming rn.. + +so it all started in december 2022 when i had a full blown panic attack that was then followed by an intense fear of d3ath and 30+ physical symptoms that didn't turn out to be terminal illnesses like i expected.. all of these weird symptoms subsided except for my sore/mucusy throat thats followed by a burning feeling sometimes..my throat feels so tight most of the time, makes a growling noise, is full of mucus and i tend to cough.. + +here are the things doctors have told me: + +1- first doctor told me its nothing but a simple sore throat and i was prescribed hot drinks and over the counter flu meds (result: nothing) + +2- told me i have GERD/acid reflux and i was prescribed Gaviscon and a few other meds related to this matter (result: felt a lil better but not that better) + +3- third doctor did a culture test on my throat and figured i have streptococcus bacteria residing and chillin in my throat , i was perscribed KLACID 500MG for 10 days and i felt somewhat better but then my throat got bad again + +4- fourth and final doctor said its a simple sore throat and prescribed me hot drinks as well.. + +...what to do fr am i dying?",Anxiety +35477,"is it at all possible I'm gonna get rabies? It's been almost two days since this happened so if I did contract rabies it's probably too late. I was driving home and saw a cat lying in the street so I got out of the car to check if it was alive. there was blood coming out of its mouth so I'm assuming it had internal injuries from getting hit by the car. I touched its back/shoulder area to see if it was alive, but it was cold to the touch. anyway, I put hand sanitizer on when I got back to my car, but I know hand sanitizer can't really kill viruses, and after I put the sanitizer on, I noticed I had a papercut on my finger that I didn't see before. on the hand I touched the dead cat with! is it possible there was rabies virus on the cat's fur, like maybe invisible blood that I couldn't see?? ",Anxiety +34404,"Heart Attack No. 382837737 It sure is hard to convince yourself you don’t have heart problems when you feel all the symptoms of a heart attack (per Google). Chest pain, shoulder pains, arm pains, jaw pains. I know they’re due to my sleeping positions and constant jaw clenching but why, oh why, does anxiety mimic it so well?? ",Anxiety +35393,"I feel constantly dizzy...anyone else? I think it's partly because of my eyesight. I wear glasses, but not all the time. Looking into getting contacts. But gosh, it's driving me nuts. I always feel dizzy and off balance. Just curious if anyone else does too?",Anxiety +52982,"Quitting Zoloft first day. I’m spiraling, what do I do? I need help. Please I need so much help. I took it at 9:30 pm last night. The first hour I felt amazing, then i went to sleep. I woke up and I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. Everything was moving in slow motion. I had so much anxiety that it felt like my chest was burning. I couldn’t feel my own heartbeat. I was able to go back to sleep but I feel the same thing now, it’s been 22.5 hours later. My head feels like it wants to explode. I’m dizzy and off balance. Cant stop shaking. I want to vomit my brains out. So much anxiety it hurt so bad. + +I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow. they told me not to take the second dose. 50mg. I’ve never been on any medicine before. My body hates it. I just want this to stop please. + +My question is how long will it be until I stop feeling this way? I want this feeling gone. My head is so heavy. What do I do?",Anxiety +52454,"Omega 3 for anxiety I have been yawning and trying to catch my breath for the past few hours always caused by anxiety and stress from working out. It honestly feels horrible like I can’t catch my breath. And no I don’t have asthma…I’ve checked every type of doctor and seen a lung specialist when my anxiety was the worst during covid. + +I decided to have a healthy protein filled snack just now and ate a whole pack of sardines which was 44g in protein. It also had about 3000mg of omega 3 in the 1 pack/2servings and now I feel extremely calm, relaxed, and can breathe normal. Thinking of taking at least 2000mg amount of omega everyday to combat anxiety now as it seems to work extremely well. Has anyone else had this experience??",Anxiety +35318,"I thought I was crazy and alone I’ve suffered from hypercondria for years due to paranoia from almost dying when I was a baby and I thought I was completely crazy. Staying up to ungodly hours, worried about every little thing, thinking the world was foreshadowing my death, etc. + +I was (still kind of am) angry and annoyed at myself and forced myself to suffer in silence because I was being unreasonable. But. Like. There are other people like me. I’m not trapped in my own mind, or if I am, I’m not alone here. + +I’m literally crying with happiness I can’t explain it. ",Anxiety +35564,"Chest pain anxiety. CHD & open heart surgery survivor. Apologies for this wall of text. I just need help. + +So I'm new to reddit and to this sub. I know that chest pain is a very common symptom/trigger of HA, but I haven't been able to find any resources about cases similar to my own, although I'm sure they must exist out there. + +So I am a moderately healthy 25 year old woman. I excersise, I eat healthy, I was slightly overweight as a teen, but I've been at a healthy weight for the past 4-5 years. I was born with a somewhat serious congenital heart defect (CHD), an atrial septal defect (ASD) to pe precise. At the age of 5 I received corrective surgery for this defect, and have been considered healthy and symptom free ever since this surgery. I have had no major health events since this time, and I have never had any sort of restrictions placed on my physical activity levels by my cardiologist. 4 years ago I entered into a long distance relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, and it was around this time that my HA began. I believe it was triggered by my fears that something would happen to one of us while we were apart, and that we would never see each other again because of sudden death due to illness or a freak accident. I began to be plagued by images of him dropping dead of a heart attack or getting hit by a car (same for myself). We lived in 2 different countries, and usually spent 8-9 months apart in between brief visits, and as our time apart progressed I was aware of new unhealthy habits forming (googling symptoms, anxiety induced nausea/chest pains/numbness/tingling/jaw pain). + +We are now married and have been living together for a year, and although I am happier than ever, all of my bad HA related habits have decided to make a home in my brain. I feel so unlike myself as I have never expeirenced anything quite like this before. I was so caught up with dealing with a long distance/international relationship that I didn't do anything to stop the progress of this anxiety and now it has become an integral part of my day to day life. Like many of you I experience chest pain, numbness, tightness, tingling, and nausea, and I have been to see my doctor on a few of these occasions, and have been told that I am fine. I have even been to the hospital (same results). Again, I know this is all very common for those suffering from HA. My added complication comes from my history of heart defect/heart surgery. I wish that I could just erase my knowledge of this event since it really exacerbates my HA and often sends me into a spiral. Although I know most of my chest pains are benign, the fact that I have had major surgery lends just a bit more credence to the HA voice telling me I'm dying, and this is destroying my mental and physical health. + +It doesn't help that I can't find any resources on living post-op from a pediatric heart surgery in your 20's/30's, and what to expect as you age. All of the materials I find online about what to expect after a heart surgery are clearly directed towards 55+ year olds, which is very alienating. I am always the youngest person in the cardiologist's office by several decades, and I've never met another person in my age group that has had open heart surgery. I've looked for support groups for young adults living post-op from CHD's, but I haven't been able to find anything. + +My question is this. Does anyone on here relate to my story/situation? Does anyone here have a history of CHD and open heart surgery? Since I can't find any information about this, my HA is telling me this is because they all died young and my time is limited, although I know this cannot be true. I just want to talk to someone about their experience with this and get support from people who know where I'm coming from. AH and CHD open heart surgery are an abundantly shitty combination and I know my current anxiety levels are unsustainable. I can't live like this. + +Even if you haven't had open heart surgery, any advice/resources would be welcome. I'm very overwhelmed and not sure how to deal with this. ",Anxiety +590,what youtube do you watch so you don't get nervous,Anxiety +34034,"Did the elliptical really mess me up like this? Hey everyone, would love some input- I've been getting odd chest sensations for a while now along with shoulder, back and neck pains. I spoke to my doctor and he believes it's posture related. But lately, this week, the chest discomfort has become more pronounced. I went to the gym two days ago and while I was on the elliptical, I started feeling this almost burning sensation in my chest. It subsided somewhat once I stopped. That same sensation has come and gone since and now I have a spot that's sore to the touch right over my sternum. I'm thinking it's reflux related, especially since I'm on meds for that and I've been burping a lot, but does anyone else have any insight? I'm really trying to avoid going to the doctor for every little thing.",Anxiety +34751,"Embarrassed ashamed and defeated My health anxiety had been terrible lately. Honestly if I described my symptoms to certain people they would have probably suggested I got to the hospital. Anyway my latest worries are that I seem to feel like I'm struggling for breath at times and having random heart palpitations. + +This is one of those situations where as a sufferer of health anxiety your brain puts you on the spot and you have to make a decision. Do you + +A: write it off as anxiety and try your best to get on with life. + +B: jump to a conclusion that you are probably dying and seek medical advise. + +Guess what I did. After the doctor listened to my heart and lungs and said it sounds fine but we'll Do some blood work as I hadn't had any in a while and an ECG just to be sure. So I spent all Christmas worrying that I'm dying of a serious lung or heart problem and today the day finally came for the blood test and ECG. Now even the thought of blood work makes me feel sick. + + I layed on the bed and had the ECG done and when it came to the blood test she stuck the needle in and I had a panic attack and she couldn't get the blood from me. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself I can't remember feeling any lower. I tried to hard and iv been worrying about this whole thing for quite a while. + +Now I'm convinced I'm gonna get a phone call saying to immediately come in because I have a serious condition. I just really need a shoulder to cry on I think. ",Anxiety +478,"dizzy, restless, shaking so one solid buddy",Anxiety +34257,"Forgetfulness, should i be concerned? I’m a rather healthy 19yo minus needing some weight loss, and i woke up this morning not remembering how I fell asleep at all. I’ve been struggling with sleep issues this past week due to a different work schedule catching me off guard. Today I can recall certain things from the past three days, but nothing too specific. As in conversations mainly. it’s kind of concerning as I’ve never had memory issues really bad, nothing like forgetting a lot of the day before. + +I did find out how I fell asleep after finding my controller beside me where i was watching YouTube before I fell asleep. ",Anxiety +52569,"Why does my heart rate fall when I'm having an episode? Hey all, + +Hope you're all doing alright today :) + +I've suffered from overthinking and general anxiety for a while. Being in my final year of university has been overwhelming to the point where I started seeking professional help. My doctor prescribed some beta blockers to me and asked me to take them when necessary - I've not thought of taking them until today. + +I think I hit my breaking point today. I have way too much to do and I haven't been able to manage things well. I felt some aches and tightness in my chest and throat, got cold hands and feet, and starting stress sweating (the smell was putrid). I could also feel my heart pounding in my chest. I decided to check my heart rate and I was surprised to find out that it was in the mid 50s. I didn't take my first dose of beta blockers and I'm waiting to speak to my doctor tomorrow. + + +Has anyone faces this before? Shouldn't stress and anxiety cause my heart rate to shoot up instead of dive?",Anxiety +35868,"Basically convinced at this point that I won’t grow old. I started having hypochondria around age 19. Ironically, it started right after I recovered from anorexia/bulimia. I’m 22 now. I can’t believe it’s been YEARS now of health anxiety. I don’t even know what symptoms are serious or not anymore. I’m in pain everyday and I don’t know what’s physical or not. I’m sick of going to the doctor. I’m sick of being in pain & asking for reassurance. I’ve almost 100% convinced that I will die in my 30’s of cancer. (And no I have never been diagnosed with cancer). It doesn’t help that I’ve had two relatives die of cancer so far and my uncle has stage 4 cancer right now. I take care of my health the worst thing I do is vape. I’m convinced it’s giving me cancer and I vividly imagine my lungs rotting away inside me. My chest hurts everyday.",Anxiety +608,"If your heart is sad and no one listens to your worries, just come to Allah, he will understand what's in your heart...",Anxiety +348,"[Cm] Please calm me down, friends â. Say ""it's okay"" if my research is taking a long time. ""It's okay"" if you haven't written a thesis yet. ""It's okay"" if graduation is a bit behind the plan. Is that okay??? â. I'm starting to get restless myself :(( my research is already 5 months because (+2 months internship)ðŸ˜",Anxiety +35350,"Fit device (fitbit like) without heartbeat sensor? Hi everyone, +I've been kinda lazy these past few years and would like to start exercising again as i fell it would help me feel better. +However I'm very anxious about my heart, do you know of a fitbit lke device that can track steps/calories consumed etc. without measuring heart rate ? +Thanks",Anxiety +35208,"Insomnia driving me crazy I always had sleep issues but it has been getting worse since December. I was on trazodone 100mg for a year, all of the sudden it stopped working. Tried increasing my dose, didn't help. I was put on ambien, made me do weird stuff. Next, I tried Lunesta but it didn't work. Melatonin doesn't work, zzzquil/benadryl doesn't work. + +It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up 2 hours later, around the same time. Takes me a bit to fall back to sleep, just to wake up again. Last night I woke up around the same time but couldn't fall back to sleep. I'm worried something serious is causing my worsening insomnia, I read cancer causes insomnia and so can other diseases. + +Now I'm scared I have some type of cancer or other serious disease. Makes me think this is why nothing seems to help me and why my trazodone stopped working. This is only going to make my insomnia worse..",Anxiety +53027,"""Buy Friends"" comment? My mother doesn't have friends. She said if she won a lot of money it would be easy to 'buy friends'. What do you make of this comment? I wasn't sure what to say - but I kind of relate in the sense that if you find it hard it may feel like an option, although probably a bad one!",Anxiety +612,"Yes, the point is that I feel tired, sad, annoyed, restless. It's like the feeling is mixed in my heart and mind, in my brain I'm traveling various things from problems to happiness that I've felt until this moment.",Anxiety +456,Have you ever been... you're honest but you're the one who's restless hh,Anxiety +52907,Kids death How can I stop having fear about my kids death? I’ll go in a spiral just thinking about it. It’s too irrational but scary.,Anxiety +35836,"Scarlet Fever Hey guys, I’m a 20 year old male. I had a bit of a sore throat waking up on Sunday but nothing too serious thought not too much of it, as I was settling down for bed I noticed a bit of a rash on my chest which sent me to immediate panic. Fast forward to Monday and I have a full body rash and getting a lot of chills in the nights and when I wasn’t medicated in the day, I was pretty worried something was seriously wrong with me so organised an appointment with the doctor today. I went in and the doctor did a few tests on me (Checked my throat / tongue, Ears, chest, back and my blood pressure) and then told me “I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m afraid you have scarlet fever” I had no idea what it was until looking online after but surprised a 20 year old like myself has got it as it’s usually only children who get it to my understanding. I asked the doctor again and she confidently said that it was scarlet fever. I’m on a set of antibiotics for 10 days now and have been told it should hopefully get a lot better within the next two days.... has anyone else ever encountered it? And do you think I should trust my doctors opinion, I always have a fear that it may be something worse. +Thanks",Anxiety +572,,Anxiety +52720,"wanting to be seen I've spent most of my life craving sympathy and understanding from others, hoping someone would notice my struggles and help me but even when people do try to help me i shut down. i don't want to burden others with my problems and ik not everyone knows how to comfort someone who is experiencing extreme anxiety or a panic attack. but even when i turn down others help i still sit here going ""wow i wish someone would help me. why is no one noticing that I'm struggling?"" it's so stupid and contradicting in my head and i have no clue how to even begin to get over it.",Anxiety +33919,"I've been crying all day - sure my time is up About 3 years ago, a good friend of mine passed away from acute leukemia at the age of 19. I was devastated, and with a lifelong battle with health anxiety it always lingered in my mind anytime I would get ill. Would this be the time I faced the same fate? + +Well now this time I'm more or less certain that the time has come. I came down with some infection from a coworker back on November 18th. At first is was merely a slight sore throat, some coughing, malaise. I began to feel better around the end of November. Then the first week of December the sore throat came back. And fever, severe congestion, cough, fatigue, achy muscles amongst other things. I began to feel better from that, but have not been the same since. As of right now, I have a terrible cough, irritated throat , congestion. I have been having night sweats where my neck and head get very damp, but I am not drenched and it only affects the head and neck. I am simply not myself. + +The positives that have kept me hopeful I do not have acute leukemia : +-I have been able to make it to the gym to lift about 3-4 times a week. I don't have much motivation to do so, but I make it and my strength is still there. +-I have not lost any weight, gained a few pounds actually, currently at 6'0"" and 220 pounds +-when I do feel bad, I'm never running a fever, my temp is usually somewhere between 96.9 and 98.5 +-I'm not bruising at all, even after bumping into things, and I don't have any petechia anywhere to suggest low platelets +- my infections haven't been severe, per se. I haven't had sore throats like that of strep and no mouth sores or bleeding gums , they've just been persistent +- I've been going out on the weekends with friends for a few drinks, which ironically when I am not sober I do not experience night sweats at all +- the guy who originally got me sick is still sick himself, and my entire family is sick back and forth + +But nonetheless, I can't help but think this is it for me. I just keep looking at pictures of my mom or baby sister or handmade birthday cards from my sister - just little sentimental things - and I start crying like a baby. I don't want to leave them, I don't want my family and friends to go through what my friend's loved ones went through three years ago when they lost her, I love life so much and I don't want it to end. It's all I can think about though. I don't really know where to go from here. Nobody in my family thinks it's odd I've been sick for the better part of 6 weeks, and I put on a front to everyone that I'm fine to not alarm them, but on the inside I'm falling apart.",Anxiety +703,Oh god I'm so worried,Anxiety +182,"I'm so nervous, why isn't it?",Anxiety +35123,"Intestinal anxiety I'm a 27 year old male, I don't smoke in any capacity nor do I do any drugs or drink alcoholic drinks in any capacity. I'm not on any medications and have no pre existing illnesses. + +Last year I had a pretty large bowel movement, large enough that I couldn't pass it without manipulating my anus with my hand to ease the log out, since then I've been having blood in my stools (on toilet paper and in/on feces), the blood is red, not sure if it's dark red but it's definitely not black. I have no pain associated with passing a stool at all which is slightly comforting I guess... + +Shortly after the blood started showing up last year I took myself to the ER and explained what was happening, after getting a finger up my ass I was told it was most likely hemorrhoids. Not to long after visiting the ER the blood in my stool disappeared and I was relieved, now after roughly a year ish later it's shown up again and been off and on for about a month, still no pain associated with having bowel movements, just anxiety. + +For the record I have no loss of appetite, no weight loss, and no fatigue out of the ordinary. I have no direct family with a history of colorectal cancer.",Anxiety +242,"Honestly, from the past until now, since the last 4 years, my biggest enemy in writing is anxiety. There is no such detailed reason, it's just that I suddenly get nervous and it's not clear, so sometimes if it's really bad it can stop writing for months.",Anxiety +52787,Whats the best way to reduce tommorow damage while drinking Well i know that the best way to reduce it is to not drink at all but u know there is times u dont wanna miss .i saw that my anxiety levels goes up the days after i drink but i believe that there is things u can do to reduce that effects whats ur propositions ?,Anxiety +34570,"Overcoming physical sensations Hey guys, how do some of you work through physical sensations such as light headiness, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, racing heartbeat etc... please list the sensations you feel and how you overcome them. Thanks!",Anxiety +34229,"Im pretty sure im dying So im a really bad hypochondriac and suffer from health anxiety 24/7 and lately ive had a migraine lasting 2 days now very bad stomach ach and body weakne +ss and constipation and when i can go my stool is in rounded ball shapes and have a little birmt of blood in it ive also been thinking i might have colon cancer appendicitis gti i dont know and im constantly freaking out please help im scared! :( what do i have?",Anxiety +34967,"At the end of my rope, no idea what to do and constantly want to kill myself for feeling this way. IMPORTANT: I am not currently in danger of hurting myself and i have the suicide prevention number in my phone. I AM however always contemplating killing myself to free myself from this constant health related anxiety. + +I am a 26 year old american guy, no health insurance. + +For the past 8 years now Ive been battling some absolutely crippling health anxiety. After almost dying doing some drugs in college I really shouldnt have (K2/spice), I have been in constant fear that I am dying for one reason or another ever since. + + Ive convinced myself I had heart failure and had multiple echos, EKGs, ultrasounds, etc of my heart done, all clear. The stress from all of that caused me to develop migraines really badly within the first year. Those migraines caused me to convince myself I had an aneurysm or meningitis, so I had CT Scans, MRIs, angeograms, a spinal tap, all came back clear and I was told it is just migraines. This has been going on for years and this past summer I spent a month in an inpatient facility for actually trying to kill myself over it. + +Now, after recently reading about a brain eating amoeba killing a woman in seattle for using a neti pot, ive been sleepless and at a 12/10 on the anxiety scale convinced Ive got only a week left to live. + +I'm at the end of my rope, I dont know how to stop feeling this way all the time. I have constant panic attacks, I spend a lot of my days crying and I am just so paralyzing AFRAID that I'm dying I can hardly function. + +Please, what should I do? ",Anxiety +653,"Restlessness and restlessness is a “Virus†disease of the liver. So, treat it with ""Eat and drink vegetable heart"" (Patience, Tawakkal and Zikrullah). God willing, liver viruses will die and disappear because of it... by hizboel",Anxiety +148,"Later when you are tired of the new one, and then you look back and feel guilty for me, don't be a bit nervous. Trust me, I have forgiven you. Even though I will never accept you again.",Anxiety +708,why 3 days I brought him restless huh🤔,Anxiety +51931,"Working in a call center I just started a new job that has the absolute best work environment ever. However, it's answering phones, and of course that's not ideal for me. The sheer amount of information I have to navigate is overwhelming; every question is entirely unique, and I'm beginning to feel really stupid and out of sorts. It's not rocket science, just selling hotel rooms-- any advice on how to stay calm and collected??",Anxiety +23,Already worried about picking up the phone,Anxiety +34440,"Retinal detachment flashes How exactly do they look like? + +A month ago I discovered I have floaters and I am only 20 years old. Read around for a while and discovered that the appearance of floaters is a usual sign of retinal detachment. However, it will also be accompanied with partial vision loss and light flashes. + +What do those flashes look like? +Are they like shooting stars? +Like a camera flash? +Or like half or all vision suddenly gets brighter like its 12pm in the middle of a desert? + +The thing is I sometimes feel like there's something flying by so fast like a fly or something. It happens once or twice a day when it's night and usually on the sides. + +Should I be worried?",Anxiety +34461,"Vape! I got a juul the other day and I’ve been through about 9 pods and I got this weird chest pain so I stopped and went to the doctor and the pain went away + +Doc said I’m good even did a chest x Ray + +But I took a couple hits every now and then and it makes my chest hurt + +It’s like a dull pain near my heart +What is wrong",Anxiety +52637,,Anxiety +34708,"Anyone find going to the gym tough? So I try to get to the gym as often as possible as I know how good it can be for mental health and to get back to my previous standard of fitness. However, since getting HA I find it difficult as I keep focusing on my heart rate after sets or after a bit of cardio; I keep thinking ‘is that too high?’ ‘How long will it take to return to normal!’ ‘I only did 5 reps why is it beating so hard!?’ + +Really annoying that I can’t enjoy the gym as I keep thinking about how my heart is doing! + +Wonder if anyone else is the same, and if so what they do to help! + +Happy new year ",Anxiety +34612,"Stinging pain in far left side of chest that’s worse when I move my left arm. Hey guys. + +I’m trying to get some help identifying what this may be. + +For about a week I’ve had a constant pain in the far left side of my chest. + +I went to the doctor about it, who said my blood pressure and heart sounded fine, so I should just carry on as normal. + +However, having HA I’m freaking out that it’s not “fine”. + +I have noticed that if I raise and lower my left arm, the pain comes on sharper as a burning, stinging like sensation in the same far left spot on my chest. + +Any idea what this may be, and if I need a second opinion? ",Anxiety +34095,"Just looking for some advice. First, a little backstory (sorry if a bit long). + +Up until last year I was an extremely sedentary 28yo weighing around 265 lbs. I started a new job that is fairly physical and since then I have dropped down to 230ish. Well last week I was laying down and felt something I never felt before in my chest. I went to the doctor and he said it was almost certainly my xiphoid process. I also mentioned I had a general cough (I us an e-cigarette), as well as a periodical tingle under my right shoulder-blade. Other than those three things I felt completely normal. + +My doctor said everything felt normal, my blood pressure was normal, as was my pulse and he checked me out with a stethoscope. In the end he ordered an x-ray to be certain. From that appointment up until I got my results I started stressing out (tight chest, sweating, vomiting, trouble sleeping, just overall freaking out about what that x-ray might show). Low and behold I got my result and everything came back looking completely normal. Although that is great news I haven't been able to ditch the tight chest, trouble sleeping with bad thoughts, and general feeling of just being uncomfortable. I also wear a fitbit to work and constantly find myself checking my heart rate (between 59 when I sleep and 120ish when i'm up working). + +Sorry for the wall of text, I am just hoping someone here could give me some tips on managing this stress. I have a yearly physical next month that can't get here soon enough. + +Thank you.",Anxiety +51982,"Is this truly anxiety and depression? I’ve been really struggling for 3+ years now. My symptoms are down mood, EXTREME exhaustion no matter how +much I sleep, feelings of being on edge, feeling spaced out 24/7 like my mind is slow and foggy, feeling disconnected from myself and those around me, a bit dizzy or lightheaded, feeling no motivation and like everything feels hard, feeling as though I could loose my mind at any second and just general groggy and confused feeling even though I never do actually loose touch with reality. + +I have had blood work, brain MRI, every thing is normal! But truly I feel so strange and run down and frustrated every single day. + +Please, has anyone had these symptoms? Can they truly all be caused by poor mental health? And can they someday go away?? I am losing hope.",Anxiety +52771,"All my health anxiety is coming back and I’m freaking out. Ever since Friday I’ve been freaking out, convincing myself I have appendicitis, sepsis, heart attack, etc, I used to have bad health anxiety back in 2021 but it started to heavily fade one day and almost completely disappeared, now it’s all coming back and I don’t know how to do deal with this, for over a year now I’ve been telling myself “thank lord that time is over, I don’t know how I dealt with that” and now its all coming back and I’m scared, I don’t want to be constantly anxious again I can’t go back to that time it drove me crazy all I wanted to do was sleep because when I was awake I was in constant pain and fear, please fuck no not again, I’m already going crazy obsessing over the thought of it hitting its peak again fuckkkk why can’t I just be happy???",Anxiety +52348,"Anxiety is effecting my school and my life TW + +hi loves <33. I 16F am looking for advise on how to go forward. for some background i have moved from a small town to the big city after some majorly traumatising events that i wont get into here. but after a year after living here comfortably i had an event trigger the traumatising memories from my past. after this i have struggled with fearing when i leave the house which makes it really hard to go to school. i get so worried that i get physically sick when i have to leave. my attendance is getting really bad. i am considering home schooling but my mum thinks i wont be self motivated enough to do it my self. it got so bad that i had to go to the hospital because i tried to end my life. my mother wasn't supportive of me and just is pretending that nothing happened. so i'm starting to get really worried about not being able to finish high school. i only have two years left until so i don't know if i'm being dramatic or not. i just started medication and they haven't helped much. anyway if you got this far thanks for reading any advise would be helpfull . <33",Anxiety +52920,"Speaking. I can’t for the life of me talk to people. I instantly think that if I talk to them I’ll annoy them. I feel like a burden if I do talk about how I feel, but if I don’t then I get told to talk about my feelings. Even talking to someone in passing is terrible. I put words together in my head but I say something completely different.",Anxiety +53041,"Public speaking tips? Hi, all. I have to give a presentation at work next week (45 minutes long and the CEO will be in attendance). I’m already panicking, as once the anxiety kicks in, I’m certain I’m going to forget everything I’m supposed to say. ( anxiety makes it very difficult for me to focus on anything) Does anyone have any speaking tips that have worked for them in the past? Thanks so much!",Anxiety +35331,Weird pulling/Sore pain behind belly button driving me crazy. Having gas issues and other weird ass feelings. Nausea etc. this is really weird like there’s something behind it? Hernia? May go get looked at but also trying not to feed health anxiety :(,Anxiety +52186,"Anxiety Impacting Visual Ability and Causing Hyper-Fixation on Partner’s Physical Appearance Hi all, + +I hope I could get some opinions from the kind followers of this subreddit! + +For as long as I (27 M) could remember I had pretty intense anxiety. As a result I overthink and self-sabotage a lot. About 2.5 months ago I got into a relationship with a phenomenal woman (21F). She’s so driven, smart, witty and funny and at first, I was sure that she was absolutely gorgeous. However, these past few days I’ve been wondering if I truly am attracted to her. I know this is weird, but when i look at pictures of her I find myself analyzing her facial features without even realizing it. I am constantly quizzing myself on whether I like her or not. + +This isn’t the first time it has happened. I remember the first time I went on vacation with my one and only ex I suddenly started to hyper fixate on each of her features and started to see her “differently,” if that makes any sense. Instead of seeing a coherent face, i saw a collection of facial features. Her nose seemingly looked larger, and the proportions were all off. Again, I know this sounds so weird. I pushed those thoughts aside and eventually got over it (she broke up with me for a completely unrelated reason). + +I’m wondering if anyone has been through this as well? Part of me thinks I’m shallow for worrying about this. But part of me wonders if it’s the anxiety that’s causing this. + +Thank you!",Anxiety +52653,"Why is my love life non- existent? I been seeking a partner for years now and never meet anyone I am compatible with and vice versa who I share values and ofc chemistry with!! + +Why",Anxiety +52285,does anyone know how to stop anxiety nausea? anxiety nausea is driving me crazy i cant even go to school without being sick i have to many absent days. does anyone know anything that helps?,Anxiety +35106,"Can I worry so much I have a heart attack? 20 / Female / 128lbs / 5'5 +I don't routinely drink and never do drugs + +I've been having severe panic attacks for about a week now that are unrelated to my health and I was wondering if this could give me a heart attack, or if it's just my panic attacks making my heart feel week. As far as I know, I have no heart conditions.",Anxiety +34685,"Very scared about having an appointment scheduled at a cancer center. So April 18th I went to a free clinic because I can’t afford healthcare, I had acid reflux. But the doctor ordered my feces to be examined for ulcers, that checked out fine, they also drew blood to see if I was ok. They scheduled a return appointment to see how my acid reflux was doing. The next day in a voicemail they left a message saying it was very important of me to keep my appointment bc my thyroid levels were low. I kept it. Returned for the appointment which was about 2-3 weekend later. We talked about my acid reflux for like a minute and then everything shifted to my thyroid. She said I have Hyperthyroidism and she wanted my neck to be scanned to see what kinda of treatment I needed which could be a pill taken for 1-3 years, surgery or radiation. The radiation part alarmed me so I asked immediately if it was cancer, smiling she said no. I went home looked up the symptoms of hyperthyroidism but only 1 or 2 seem to match. A week later I called back bc I never got a call to schedule my appointment they said I would be called Monday, again no call, Wednesday I get a call and I was scheduled for the appointment which is a 2 day process for some reason. Monday at 9:00, later at 2:00 then Tuesday at 9:00 again. It’s also in a cancer center which worries me so much and I can’t stop thinking about it. Should i relax? Does anyone see anything positive in this? ",Anxiety +34436,"Flomax Capsule I have an issue swallowing pills but I spent half an hour today trying to get a flomax pill to go down by chasing it with water. Eventually the pill cracked open from sitting in water for too long and I went ahead and swallowed about less than 1/3 of the little beads inside the capsule. +I hear it’s dangerous to consume a pill that is crushed or broken down because it gives you large dosage at once. The good part is that I didn’t swallow even half of what was inside the flomax pill. However, I’m second guessing myself and wondering if I should get checked at the ER or just wait it out. +Any ideas? Is pill crushing as serious as it’s made out to be? ",Anxiety +48,People who are restless and afraid can be seen from the frequent touching of the face and ringing the fingers.,Anxiety +52174,"Idk what to do So rn I’m in club but I have really bad pain in the jaw, chest and back and sometime in the arm it’s been 2 months that it goes like that and waking up with panic attack almost every night, I can’t go to the doctor I went just one time he listened to my heart and said it was okay but with this constant pain I don’t believe everything is okay I feel like I will die everyday for 2 months",Anxiety +35823,"Severe Hypochondria after Being on Accutane Hey everyone. Most of my life I have never thought twice about a physical symptom and was confident in my health. However, that changed when I went on Accutane to help my cystic acne in August 2018. I started experiencing physical symptoms such as an increased resting heart rate all the time (around 100 or more bpm when it used to be around 75), stomach issues like indigestion and weird bubbling/gurgling coming up my throat and noises in my stomach when I sucked it in and out which I later researched and believe is succussion splash. I was feeling very anxious about how my body was feeling and felt like I was changing, like I wasn't the same person. I know Accutane is associated with horror stories so that just fueled my anxiety. I stopped the medicine at only 2.5 months instead of completing the full course which was supposed to be 6 months. I was so concerned about my symptoms that I went to three doctors, got an EKG, echocardiogram, different blood tests, and capsule endoscopy. Doctors said everything was normal. Cardiologist agrees that my pulse was a little higher than normal but still in the ""normal range"" and that it's nothing to be worried about (diagnosed it as ""inappropriate sinus tachycardia"") I haven't been able to do things normally since then. I have had better days where I forget my symptoms but it has been bad lately. I went on a trip recently with my mother and I was incredibly anxious the entire time because my symptoms were heightened. I never had trouble with trips so the fact that I am unable to handle things the way I used to is very concerning. I haven't been able to eat normally as I feel nauseous often and have lost weight without trying. I have also felt dizzy and numb? Half of me is saying there is something is terribly wrong with me and that I need to get more tests done and second and third opinions and the other half is saying that my anxiety is what is actually causing the symptoms. It's a vicious cycle. I never used to be this way. It started when I took that medication and my mind is telling me that I will never be the same because of 2.5 months on an acne drug. Meanwhile doctors told me that I am 100% healthy. Please give me advice on what I should do.",Anxiety +712,"This is crazy, the contents of my head are so full that it makes me nervous when I take it down wkwkwk",Anxiety +34619,"don't know if my uti came back so i do not know what to do nor where this should appropriately be asked but i have lurked on this sub for awhile and i too have health anxiety and i am currently freaking out! + +so last wednesday i went to my towns urgent care because i suddenly felt as if i had to pee and nothing was coming out (typical uti symptom) i also had a lot of uncomfortable back pain. i went to urgent care and they tested my urine and it came back positive for a uti but negative for a kidney infection! + +the doctor gave me two prescriptions to help with the pain and discomfort and the overall uti itself. i finished the last dose of my antibiotics this morning and now it feels as though my uti came back! i have the sudden urge to urinate and can't tell if my back hurts or not, i'm stressing out bc idk if this is normal or not and keep assuming the worst. + +if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar i would appreciate some advice/comments on what to do :( ",Anxiety +645,Hoo so that's the problem that's been bothering me since Monday,Anxiety +52950,"Oh anxiety, you are weird sometimes. 6 to 7 years ago I was diagnosed with GAD/PTSD. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with adhd. I have managed it all this time with no medicine, and I have been fine with for the most part. The only time my anxiety would rise a little bit is when it was triggered by stress. Which then I knew I just had to balance it out again. + +Well, this month ended up with heighten anxiety due to an allergic reaction being around seafood, one week later got a tooth pulled, 2 days later I was fussed at by an ER doctor, and then one week later after that I had anxiety reflux kick back so hard that it cause two days of back to back panic attacks. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t eat anything but rice and chicken, no meds, and being around doctors frighten me. I couldn’t manage to get myself out of that anxiety loop. + +Well I was finally about to get some hydroxyzine for “as needed dosage” 3 weeks later. My anxiety was down back to a manageable level but my fears were still there. I took one 25 mg pill in the evening. I got an euphoria feeling and drowsiness the whole next day along with diarrhea. Then all my anxiety was gone. I can eat food again without fear. I’m not scared to take meds again. + +This is the weirdest Anxiety is the moment I have ever dealt with. However, I’m now pondering if with my anxiety reflux being kicked up it had my stomach and brain a relay lap so when I took the hydroxyzine it suppressed that nerve in my stomach and it help my stomach feel better and then which stop the relay cycle. I guess that is something I will have to remember to ask my doctor.",Anxiety +21,Successfully online at 9am. Even sleeping in a state of restlessness what is wrong with me,Anxiety +35645,"Don't know if I legitimately messed up my neck or if the stress is making it this way For the past 3 weeks, I've had stiffness and discomfort in my neck. For the first 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure it was a legitimate issue of carrying heavy bags on my shoulders while traveling. It started to feel better but then I felt the back of my neck with my hand and I noticed a hard lump where my skull meets my neck. It seems reasonable that it would be my spine but I've never felt it before now and it's close to the surface and large. It seriously freaked me out and now I can't stop messing with my neck and pushing on it. It is now stiff again and hurts. I convinced it was my own fault from messing with it and being super stressed out again. But this morning I also noticed that when I move my head side to side in a certain position, there is a crunching sound that almost sounds like sand grinding. It makes my head and neck feel almost dizzy but seriously uncomfortable. I don't know if that is real or anxiety. I'm going to the doctor on Monday but I'm afraid they won't take me seriously, but I think I may have legitimately messed something up I. my neck. I'm young and this came on rapidly so I don't know if I screwed it up from traveling or what. But I'm seriously scared since it's near my spinal cord and I will go paralyzed or have to get surgery. Has anyone dealt with this? ""Crunching/sand sound in neck"" seems to be a common Google search but no satisfying answers.",Anxiety +35380,"Medical Radiation Question Hey, me again. + +Is there a difference between a burst of radiation from a CT scan, and absorbing natural radiation from space over the course of a year? + +I got a 3 mSv abdominal CT scan a few months ago. I've read the chances of developing cancer from the scan is 1 in 2000, yet they extrapolated this from victims exposed to radiation from the Fukushima reactor failure. Weren't those people exposed to the radiation over a long period of time? If so, doesn't that undermine the statistic?",Anxiety +615,"When the effects of the depressant have started to wear off and the depression phase has started, it's really tiring",Anxiety +670,-dips! Anyone else not busy? Anyone want to hear me vent? I don't know why I'm so worried :),Anxiety +52610,"I (F24) don't believe my boyfriend (M24) loves me and it's a me problem I have been struggling with worse anxiety for the past year and recently, my anxiety does NOT let me believe that my boyfriend loves me. He gives me reassurance everytime I ask, but for some reason it is never enough. For instance, when he says why he does, my thoughts will find complaints with his reasons why. + +I haven't talked to him about this because this is technically not a his issue and I hate burdening others with my anxiety. He has reassured me everyday and I don't want to ask for more. I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own. + +I've had bad experiences with boys in general, so I often time believe that they will say whatever is convenient to them. so I cannot shake this feeling and I do not know what to do. + +Ive been talking to a therapist but she has not been giving me effective solutions. She listens and validates, but I need calming techniques... + +How do I shake this feeling? what should i do?",Anxiety +51863,"How long does food poisoning take to kick in? I’m emetophobic and I ate at a restaurant last night. I’m pretty worried of getting food poisoning. The restaurant wasn’t sketchy but this is how I always am when I eat out at restaurants. Anyways, how long does it take for food poisoning to kick in? I’m about 10 hours post eating at the restaurant",Anxiety +52765,"luvox and lithium? hi , im taking these two together. any experience with either ?? luvox seeems to be upsetting my gut.",Anxiety +34076,"Lymph node anxiety Hi guys, long time lurker here. For about the past 6 months I’ve had my health anxiety under control, or at least I accepted the anxiety as it was. I just got back from a vacation and for some reason my lymph nodes under my jaw are swollen. I’m rather thin and they’re not terribly noticeable but if I feel around it’s maybe a little smaller than the size of my thumb. I’ve just been freaking out a bit even though I know that I got tons of mosquito bites (which can make lymph nodes noticeable) on my trip and I was on a plane with a bunch of sick people. I just wanted to post so that I didn’t keep this in my head. I guess I’ll just roll with it and if they don’t go down in a few weeks I’ll get them checked out. Thanks for letting me vent.",Anxiety +34590,"Anyone else have a fear of cancer? Not looking for reassurance because I know that's not going to help. I guess I need to vent + +A few years ago my friend died of ovarian cancer. Ever since, I've had multiple phases where I've had an extreme fear of having some form of cancer. + +Lung. Colon. Throat. Liver. Stomach. Ovarian. Cervix. Uterine. Bladder. Breast + +Its like I jump from one to another. Right now I'm having a bad fear of uterine or cervical based on symptoms I had. + +This fear has caused me to have so many procedures done. Colonoscopy, X-rays, pap smear and breast exam (granted those should be done on the regular), breast ultrasound, transvaginal ultrasound, etc. + +It's so freaking draining. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I just needed to vent. Thanks for those who read this. Can anyone else relate?",Anxiety +52718,texting anxiety does anyone else get so much anxiety from texting? i struggle so much with texting people and it’s something that seems so minor and simple but it brings me so much anxiety. i always end up “ghosting” everyone i text.,Anxiety +35596,TFW i convince myself im going into hypothermia by using a thermometer i know is broken Seriously fml,Anxiety +52830,"Have been dealing with anxiety my whole life, but it’s getting really bad So I’m 20 years old and 23 days sober from opiates and fent. For as long as I can remember I’ve had pretty bad anxiety but always had then “fuck it suck it up” mentality about it. Also should heavily self medicate since I was about 14 when I first found opiates. Now that I’m sober my anxiety is crippling. Have had 3 job interview since being clean and all 3 went horribly cause of my anxiety, hard to talk to people, family, and my girlfriend(who is almost completely sober and rarely drinks). I also can’t sleep and constantly having nightmares. was wondering if anyone has any recommendations of meditation to try for it that’s not a benzodiazepine cause I’m still so fresh in recovery. Honestly would do anything besides benzos. Thanks for hearing me out",Anxiety +52556,,Anxiety +35748,"What do you do against the fear of never recover of generalized anxiety? I do sports every day, im not isolated, im using medication and its afraid me because im constantly stress. Its afrais me a lot because all my effort for turn down can be ruined in one minute . I never turn down and i dont know what can i do more. I think i will do yoga but i dont think if it will help me a lot. I already find my trigger but next they dont work and i find next new trigger and two weeks later they dont work...... +So i fear to never recover this is my only fear +I mean that its only that who make me feel anxious +By the way what are your trigger?",Anxiety +52932,Does anyone else feel like their heart is being tickled and making you cough? I’m wondering if anyone else ever has this. Usually when I breathe out or push on it it starts to get tickly. More so when I think about it. I’ve gotten an EKG done a few days ago and it came back normal so I guess that helps ease my mind a little bit. I told the doctor I’ve been having chest pains and she told me it was costochondritis because it hurt when she pressed on my chest. I guess it would calm me down more if someone could relate.,Anxiety +34161,"My HIV hypochondria is acting up again 😐 Hey guys, +So I had been sleeping with this guy (Rob) on and off since 2016 and around August last year I started to get anxious about his status after stalking his exes facebook. I noticed she had cold sores on her lips and the last time I saw her in 2015 I saw her with cold sores. At first I thought it was normal because lots of people have and get cold sores but when I saw a recent picture of her on Facebook with the same if not worse cold sores. This concerned me because to my knowledge only people who are immuno compromised get recurring cold sores that often. +I had spoken to Rob about his status earlier and he assured me he was healthy and I chose to believe him but after speaking to one of my girl friends she was surprised at how quick I was to believe him. She said verbatim ""guys can lie and I don't trust these uni boys"" - keep in mind I live in Kenya where HIV is prevalent. This comment really freaked me out and I was sure he lied to me. +I started freaking out and going crazy because of the picture of his ex coupled with my friend's comments, I was sure I had contracted the virus. At this time I started sending him cryptic messages alluding to him infecting me but he didn't get which then forced me to plainly ask ""Are you HIV positive?"" He quickly replied ""No I'm not. I checked, you also checked"" and I went and got tested and my results returned negative (this wasn't a rapid test it was the one you wait two days for). +I felt so bad about accusing him and we stopped speaking. +Skip forward 3 months and we start fucking again. We met up and fucked 2 more times before I officially ended it for good. Now my mind is going back to thoughts that I'm HIV positive again. I keep thinking that maybe the first 6 times we met up and fucked the virus missed me and on the last 7th and 8th time the virus may have stuck. Is that possible? + +**TLDR** Had been hooking up with a guy since Dec 2016 and started getting anxious about his HIV status. Got tested in August 2017 and results came back negative. Started fucking him again in October 2017 and stopped in November. Is it possible that he is positive and the virus missed me the first 6 times we fucked and got me the last two times we did it? ",Anxiety +51888,"Work, life, anxiety(f20) Today is actually the day all my worries are transformed in real situations, let's start +First of all, my grandma's sister birthday, I totally forgot about . Than said that I would come, but I forgot about gift and overslept, than was to anxious to go, and called said I'm sick, than I received a message from my coworker like hah where are you the event is starting, I totally forgot about this than I fucked up with my student, rescheduling our lesson like 3-5 times ( because I thought I would maybe go on a birthday)and finally telling that I'm sick to her as well because well at this moment I was already crying because how irresponsible and stupid this situation is, and also it would be so strange to do this lesson with her after not going to the event, and the event is still going, I probably should get there, but it's to overwhelming at this point, I also will not go to the birthday party for the same reason, to much stress for me already, I want to just disappear, I try so hard to remember everything and it just happenes.. It is so so stupid and I mean I'm completely useless anyway, like who the hell lives with memory troubles at 20 , it feels like some disorder at this point ( I forget a lot of things) +My mom is dating an alhogolic and last couple of weeks were a nightmare. +I didn't sleep normal for a long time because of this situation and last night was a disaster +A lot of other troubles financial, with studying +And at the end right now I feel like literally throwing up from the level of anxiety that I experience",Anxiety +51996,"Quitting Zoloft first day. I’m spiraling, what do I do? I need help. Please I need so much help. I took it at 9:30 pm last night. The first hour I felt amazing, then i went to sleep. I woke up and I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. Everything was moving in slow motion. I had so much anxiety that it felt like my chest was burning. I couldn’t feel my own heartbeat. I was able to go back to sleep but I feel the same thing now, it’s been 22.5 hours later. My head feels like it wants to explode. I’m dizzy and off balance. Cant stop shaking. I want to vomit my brains out. So much anxiety it hurt so bad. + +I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow. they told me not to take the second dose. 50mg. I’ve never been on any medicine before. My body hates it. I just want this to stop please. + +My question is how long will it be until I stop feeling this way? I want this feeling gone. My head is so heavy. What do I do?",Anxiety +35246,"Chest/Back pain Hi guys +over the last week and a half I’ve been having constant pains in my chest and back. The pain moves around constantly, sometimes its only one side, then its only my spine. +Freaking out due to the location of the pain. could it be lung cancer or something like that?",Anxiety +206,"when your bipolar relapse welcome shortness of breath, tremors, anxiety, fear, selfharm etc",Anxiety +52152,"The future What helps you stay in the present? All day today my mind has been drifting to anxious thoughts about the future, about bad things that can happen. Idk. I'm just not feeling well today. And it makes me sad because today should have been a good day. I did well at work, in the morning I worked out. It's just now that I'm alone in my thoughts, my mind is wandering to the fears of what lies ahead.",Anxiety +30,"I'm broken and fragile, I'm hurt, I can't stand the anxiety anymore, I can't stand the love. Until now I was ignored, not seen, even left far away. I'm not like what he wants, so I'll just step back.",Anxiety +258,I'm afraid the anxiety is too much because I'm already in the phase of being really scared,Anxiety +51926,"Where do I begin to get help? I'm a 27 year old female. I've probably had anxiety all my life but have never spoken to a doctor or anyone about it. + +I feel like im just always in a constant state of worry. So much so that it drives me to have small OCD traits. Something as simple as fearing a house fire and having to do a series of steps checking lights before I leave the house. Over and over......and over again. It's weird. + +I'm always worrying about the future, past things I can't change, things I say or do after im with people, how people view me, if I have a ""too much"" gene. I'll sit and agonize over things that's so mild for someone to worry about but drives me up a wall. To the point of frustration where I just lose it and cry into a panic. + +I dont even know where to start to solve this. I feel like the past year it's been horrendous and getting increasingly worse. I'm good at playing it off. I'm good at putting on a show because I've always thought I could handle it- lots of people I know feel the same. But it's really starting to take a toll on my life and the things I'm doing or too afraid to even try to do. + +I feel like I use alcohol and drugs as a way to cope sometimes. Not an outrageous amount but I'll have a big drinking night and then will go a week without drinking cause I've worried myself into thinking I have a problem and need self control. + +I'm so good at people pleasing and acting like everything is fine but I feel like my mind is just in a dark place. Telling myself I'll never make it, that I'll always be alone, etc. + +It's really stupid things to stress over. Or at least stupid things to let myself worry about for more than a minute. + +Money is always a bug stress factor- for everyone of course but thats the main reason I think I've never gone to get help. I'm not sure how much it cost to afford the help I need or where to even go. Not to mention the fear I get trying to explain how I feel to someone and them thinking I'm crazy or I'm making it up- how sad to think a professional in this field would judge me.... + +I just feel like if I dont try to improve my overall mindset towards life then I wont have a fulfilling one. I'll be too afraid to try new things that scare me, I'll stick to my same safe routine, and I'll come home and cry over the big and small worries that run through my head daily. + +Where I do I start to fix this...?",Anxiety +34402,"Fear about having a neurological disease Hey everyone, the last 3-4 days my anxiety have been high and i started noticing some things on my body, spasms being what is trully worrying me + I noticed i have a very small spasm on my arm muscle and on my leg muscle... sometimes the spasm is so soft that i cant really say if it is really spasms or just my pulsation but this have been driving me nuts today... Im just about to go to sleep and i noticed these spasms on my arm and on my leg happening all the time....they aren't violent they are soft and sometimes it feels like it is my blood pulsation....to make things worse i researched about neurological diseases and seen spasms related to ALS and multiple sclerosis and it has been driving crazy...i need to go to a neurologist but these things takes time and the results might be months from now and until there i will suffer this painful doubt about what my problem is...im really scared to be honest, i have developed a couple diseases recently due to the lifestyle of being severely depressed and i got a bunch of health problems...feels these things keep stacking up, health problem after health problem...i had a typical hypochondria episode many years ago that was typically delusional but i thought i overcame it....nowdays whenever my anxiety is high i start worrying about health problems that i already have...and symptoms that i wasn't able to find an answer yet...it is still there and it turns my peace of mind into hell..i dont know what to do about this...i am the kind of person that dont ease up until i get answers...i wont be able to rest until i know what i have and it is psychologically painful",Anxiety +35269,"CWD fears Apparently there is a disease in deer that affects the brain. It’s called Chronic Wasting Disease, or Zombie Deer Disease. They just did a study where monkeys got infected after eating deer meat, and now I’m freaking out because OF COURSE I just had deer meat from Virginia. I hate my brain and I wish I had just never heard of it.",Anxiety +35291,"Painful, hard lump behind ear.... Mastoiditis? I have this painful, hard lump on my mastoid process (that hard bone that's right behind the ear) on only my right side. I literally just noticed it about an hour ago. It's tender to the touch and now I can feel dull pain in that spot without touching it. I have no idea if it's been there all day, I didn't notice it at all. + +The closest thing I can find that it could be is mastoiditis. I have no other symptoms other than the fact that I noticed my hearing was slightly worse than my right ear a couple of times in today (before I noticed the bump). + +I'm extremely scared and I don't have any support, everyone around me writes things off as nothing. I keep reading things about needing antibiotics through an IV but I can't find very many people talking about mastoiditis... and obviously I don't even know if that's what it is exactly. + +has anyone heard of this or dealt with it??",Anxiety +35184,"Unorotected sex with gf I never did it without a condom before but last night me and my gf of 2 months did it without a condom, she doesnt show any symptoms of an std and she says shes been with 2 other partners and used condoms with one but the other was a long term relationshi so she didnt, what is the chance that i have HIV? And what about other stds?",Anxiety +34953,"This is ruining my life. I need to make a change. Title says it all. This is ruining my life and making me feel like life isn't even worth living. All I do is obsess and worry and browse the internet. I'm 27 F, and in the past week I have gone from worrying about brain tumours to MS to early onset Parkinsons to liver cancer, blood cancer, Meneire's disease, diabetes, and other illnesses. + +I've been like this my whole life. I don't even know why, but ever since I've been a kid I've been worried about my health. I was a semi sick child, but nothing life threatening or horrible. I have been seeing a therapist off and on since I've been 14 and it does help, though I haven't gone in a few weeks. + +2 months ago I began getting vertigo. Doctor told me it was an inner ear problem, and the whole thing made my anxiety completely spiral out of control. I haven't stopped thinking about whats wrong with me or worried about not being dizzy for longer than 15 minutes in the last 10 weeks. The room spinning vertigo is gone, I'm just left with some random dizzy spells and disequilibrium/unsteadiness. I was convinced the doctor missed something, so they agreed to do some blood work and booked an MRI. They don't seem overly concerned but said they will do it. I'm waiting for the MRI, but just got news back from my bloodwork. Apparently it's all normal expect for my B12, which is elevated (cut off is 950 and I'm 1048).. This is pretty unusual, since B12 is normally low if anything. I have been taking B12 supplements, so I'm going to try to assume that's what caused it (the nurse told me about the blood results and the doctor has yet to follow up, so I don't know what to do about it besides stop taking the supplement) but of course my crazy self went on Google and found out high B12 can be indicative of blood or liver cancers and is really serious. Cue freak out. + +I'm just done. I'm so done living like this. I don't know what the follow up will be for the B12, if anything, but I'm just going to be sitting here wanting to browse the internet in hopes of making myself feel better when in reality I never will. I will sit here and think about every bodily sensation and worry about feeling off balance, and worry about something sinister going on and picturing all the horrible scenarios that are going to happen and how I'm going to die young and suffer and leave my children motherless. + +&#x200B; + +I just have to make a change. Even if I do have blood cancer or liver cancer (my current fear), there isn't anything I can do about it. It's not like worrying is going to make it go away, so why do I do this to myself? I can't do another day like this, searching for answers and being constantly scared. I've booked an appointment with my psychologist for this Wednesday and I am vowing to myself to get off Google and never go back on for answers. I don't know what else to do yet, but I feel this is a good start. + +&#x200B; + +Anyone people who have cured their health anxiety who have tips? Or just any commiseration out there is helpful too. ",Anxiety +173,Just woke up feeling restless and sore ™„,Anxiety +35164,"Scared of Pulmonary Embolism Hey guys, so the past few days or so I've been very worried about a PE. Today was especially bad, with a pain on the right side of my back below my shoulder that was like a pulsating pain with my heart beat. It went on throughout the day and aspirin didn't help, every time I made a small adjustment I'd get the pains. Then suddenly when I came home they went away, but about half an hour ago I felt a sharp pain on the left side of my back that felt like it also hurt in my chest. I've kind of been on edge since then and have been experiencing various sharp pains in my chest. I went to the doctor today and they took my blood pressure and pulse which were normal, and the doc listened to my heart yesterday and it was fine. Would these seem off if I did have a PE? Can anxiety cause these sharp pains, they don't feel like surface level pains",Anxiety +52854,"Crazy how powerful thought diaries & breathing techniques have been for my anxiety I've been undergoing therapy for anxiety and depression for the past two months. My therapist recommended that I start keeping a ""thought diary"" to write down any worries or concerns that I may have and to practice a breathing technique that involves breathing in for four seconds, holding for two, and then exhaling for four seconds. + +Initially, I was skeptical that these simple practices could make a difference in something that has troubled me for years. However, I began to notice that whenever I started to become consumed by anxious or depressive thoughts, jotting them down in my diary helped me immensely. This process allowed me to break down those thoughts and identify that 99% of the time, my worries and depression stem from hypothetical situations. + +For instance, one of my thoughts was, ""What if my friends are judging me behind my back?"" (for context, this was after we went out for drinks). The key phrase in that being 'What if', meaning it's just hypothetical with no real evidence to back up the worry. So, in my thought diary, alongside my worrisome thought, I would write down a 'Helpful thought' where I deconstruct this worry. For the aforementioned thought, my helpful thought was: + +""This is a hypothetical worry, you have no evidence to suggest this will happen. Your friend's opinion of you shouldn't be taken seriously anyway. You don't need to seek approval from your friends."" + +Of course, this may not help everyone, but I wanted to share how thought diaries have helped my mental health, and they can be quite powerful. + + TL;DR: My therapist recommended keeping a ""thought diary"" and practicing breathing techniques to help my anxiety and depression. Writing down my thoughts and using the breathing technique has helped me identify that 99% of my worries are hypothetical. I recommend trying it out.",Anxiety +52428,Anxiety about adopting a cat I’m in the shelter now and I’m about to do a personal meet with a couple cats. And tbh my heart fell to my knee caps. I want a pet but I’m so anxious … feel like i will be a terrible owner.,Anxiety +34369,"Heart anxiety for no reason Hello all, + +First post on here, there's some really good advice from people in here so hopefully someone will have been through something similar to me. + +I just wondered if anyone else has the same thing as me. I am anxious about having a heart issue, every day, and this doesn't seem to be based on anything at all. There's no family history, I'm relatively young (32), have had all the heart checks available with nothing being found, my cholesterol is fine, and I can do mild exercise with no pain (I'm pretty unfit and just started doing exercise so I'm at a mild level). I threw away my blood pressure monitor because I think it was feeding my anxiety but when I used to take it, it was always in the normal range. + +But every day, I'll feel my heart beating in my chest at random times. Sometimes when I'm lying on my side, and in certain positions on the sofa. Sometimes I'll feel a strange vibration feeling in my chest. Or I'll feel my heart beat normally, then seem to stop, then thump back into rhythm. My partner will put her ear to my chest and tells me it's beating normally but to me, it feels like it's thumping and missing beats. + +When I get any of those sensations, I'll worry about what it means and I'll feel panicky, especially if I'm on my own, or in a situation that I can't escape from, such as a plane or recently, on the London Eye ferris wheel. Maybe it's the thought of help not being easily available to get to me. The current snow in England is making me a little panicky that help won't get to me. + +Along with those weird heart sensations, I'll get chest discomfort, like a heavy indigestion feeling, sometimes odd feelings in my arm, sometimes light headed feelings. None of it is painful, it's just like weird sensations. + +I've attempted to put my chest sensations down to digestive issues such as acid reflux and I've tried eating better and exercising to improve my health but so far, it hasn't made much difference. + +I don't know if there is something going on that no one can find or whether I'm literally doing it all to myself. + +I'm not an anxious person normally. I can talk in public, I'm not socially anxious at all, it seems to be this one and only issue and I've no idea where it came from. + +Does anyone else get these feelings, and if so, how do you ignore them and how have you managed to reduce them? ",Anxiety +34035,"Second opinion for cancer? Hey there. + +I'm a 24 y/o female and in early October 2017 I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck about the size of a pea. Assuming it was from a cold as I had been coughing quite a bit. I let it go until I noticed again in early November it had grown in size. I noticed another under my right jaw and my doctor ordered an ultrasound and the left one measured 1.88 cm x 0.92 cm x 0.98 cm and the right one measured 1.27cm x .76cm x 1.06cm. I had other swollen lymph nodes as well, but this was the one I could feel from the outside. + +The ultrasound tech ordered another test through my GP (although my GP was hesitant to sign the form for my follow up) for early January, so I went on the 2nd. The left lymph node is now 1.74cm x 1.03cm X1.0cm and the right lymph node is now 1.79cm x 0.91cm x 1.22cm. + +I've also found that my cough has gotten worse despite not having any other ""cold"" symptoms (runny nose, sneezing, etc) as well as I am finding myself very short of breath with a chronic pinching/squeezing sensation below where my bra band sits. My doctor ordered a pulmonary function test and we are waiting for results. I find myself waking up in the middle of night really hot and sweaty and I have been getting an itchy rash on my stomach that comes and goes. When I mentioned this to my doctor she didn't think anything of it (I thought I might be getting fevers at night from a bad flu or something). + +I'm a little worried because the lymph nodes mentioned (as well as the other 8 or 9 notes in my ultrasound) have seem to have grown in some way or another and I'm hoping my doctor doesn't dismiss it like she did the last time. Would you reccomend a second opinion? Seeing if the lymph nodes grow more? I would love some peace of mind on this.",Anxiety +34828,Sharp pain behind breast/under Has anyone ever gotten a sharp/burning sensation under their breast before. It’s not super painful but it just feels really weird. I’m also on my period so idk if that has anything to do with it. Ik reassurance is frowned upon here but I’m just kind of panicking. I’m also a 22 year old female 170 pounds,Anxiety +52762,"A month ago I was drugged without my consent (long post)... TL;DR: Dad gave me edible without my knowledge/consent, I had a really bad trip, now I don't know how to deal with it. + +Hey, not sure if this is the best place to post this. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for exactly - to vent? To know if someone had a similar experience? I don't know. + +Last month I was staying at my dad's house. One night, I was sitting in the living room while he and his wife were in the kitchen nearby. I wasn't paying any attention to them; I was playing a video game on my dad's laptop. I had headphones on, with one ear uncovered because I was also watching The Simpsons. So I didn't know what they were talking about. + +My dad came up to me and held out what seemed to be this gummy candy. I don't remember if I asked what it was; whether I did or not, he was just like ""Try it."" Now, the thing about my dad is that this sort of thing isn't unusual; I'm used to him making me try weird foods and such. So, perhaps foolishly, I ate it without really questioning it (it tasted vile). It was only after I had already swallowed it that he told me it was an edible. + +Now, another thing about him is that a lot of times he likes to mess with me. Once, when I was a teenager, for example, he gave me a drink and told me it had alcohol when it really didn't. So I wasn't sure if he was lying or not. I knew he and his wife sometimes took edibles, I just...didn't know they had any at the time. I had never done drugs before, and I don't think I would have eaten it if I had known. + +After that, he and his wife went to bed. About an hour or so passed, then it began kicking in. I started feeling dizzy, and I got kind of scared, so I went into their bedroom and I asked my dad if it really was an edible. He said ""No."" This was a lie, but obviously I didn't know it at the time. + +I decided the best thing to do was try to get some sleep. There was only one bedroom, so I had been sleeping on a mattress in the corner. So I was lying there, crying because I had no idea if what I was feeling was because I was high or if it was all in my head. + +My dad's wife was also high, and she started talking to me. I started laughing, things got kind of funny...I started talking about all of my interests (much to my dad's annoyance, as he was trying to sleep), and I said some really embarrassing things (I later found out he had recorded at least most of what I said...well, yelled, 'cause apparently when I'm high I get really loud). I have selective mutism, so I tend to have a lot of trouble talking if I'm not really comfortable (it's gotten better over the years, but my dad is convinced that I don't actually have it or something)... + +Anyway, at some point, I fell asleep and had a horrible nightmare. It's hard to describe, but it involved me forgetting everything...my life, my interests, the people I knew and the world around me...I dreamt that my dad knew I was going to forget it all, and I remember the fear I felt in the nightmare. Just that feeling of...""Why? Why would he do this to me?"" I tried to recall faces - mine, my dad's, a musician I have a crush on (yeah, weird, I know)...and everything was warped, grotesque. Everything became a black void (you know that scene in Spongebob where Squidward's in that ""Alone"" place? Kind of like that, except black instead of white). I began thinking that maybe I had died, or was dying, and that this horrible void was the afterlife. + +I woke up sobbing and screaming ""Oh God!""/""Oh Lord!"" over and over (and also yelling at my dad ""How could you do this to me!?"" and ""I will never forgive you!"") He and his wife got me up from the mattress and had me drink some water. Everything during this part and afterwards felt like a dream that I was trying to wake up from. + +My dad made me some oatmeal and put on some songs by one of my favorite artists (American Murder Song). In my disoriented state, I remember thinking that the first song he put on was familiar, and that if I could just hang on to that familiar feeling everything would hopefully be okay. I vaguely remember singing along to the songs. + +After I ate he put on one of my favorite movies (Repo! The Genetic Opera) and left me in the living room. I remember it being on, but it felt almost like I was half asleep or something throughout. I was just anxious and confused, and I was trying to focus on the movie but I kept...I don't know, it was like going in and out of consciousness or something. There's a scene towards the end of the movie where the main character falls unconscious and I remember vaguely wondering if perhaps I was actually her (I'm a guy, not that it mattered to my drugged self) and that I would wake up and the movie would be reality. + +Apparently, I also sang along to the whole move, but I don't remember this (my dad came into the room to check on me at some point and he said I seemed to be having a great time, but I know I really wasn't). I do remember, however, that at some point I threw up all over myself. After the movie, I told my dad I threw up and he was mad that I was too disoriented to clean it up myself. By this point, about six hours had passed since I had taken the edible. I remember being so confused I asked him what day it was. After that, I went back to sleep. + +The next day, my dad told me that it really was an edible...so I did feel somewhat relieved that it was actually a drug that was making me feel that way. But for about three days afterward I still felt the affects of it...and for about a week or so I kept experience derealization. + +My dad's reason for giving me the edible...he said he thought it would make me talk more...which it did, but it was humiliating. Apparently, he and his wife had talked about what was in it before he gave me the edible, but (as my cousin pointed out to me) it's strange to just assume that I'd be paying attention to a conversation that I wasn't even part of, even if I was in the room. So he apparently thought I knew what it was... + +I wasn't able to go home immediately (he lives in another state so he had to buy a plane ticket and all that), but when I eventually did I told my mom what happened. She's furious at my dad, though neither of us have spoken to him about it. I talked to my therapist about it recently, but her reaction seemed...dismissive (like, she thought it was cool that it made me talk about my interests, but again...I had no consent). + +So here I am, exactly a month after it happened...I still experience derealization if I think about it (parts of the nightmare I mentioned I literally only remembered last night...). I just...I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to, for example, watch ""Repo!"" again...just recently I listened to one of the songs my dad had put on and it gave me a weird feeling in my stomach. I'm trying to decide whether or not to cut ties with my dad...(this isn't the first time I've thought about it, to be honest, but I'm seriously considering it now). I just know now that thinking about that nightmare still terrifies me...",Anxiety +35715,"Okay, I can't live like this. How do I get help? I've had health anxiety since I can remember, I was like probably 6 or 7 when I had my first flare up but this last year it is off the charts. I actually have had some health scares and I think it's triggering it beyond belief. I think it's actually causing the aches and pains. I'm at the point where I'm 500% sure I have colon cancer and ALS and cervix/ovarian cancer and an undiagnosed heart issue. Now my kidneys hurt? So naturally my cancer has spread. It's been like this for a year, and my only relief has been when seasonal depression hits. + +I'm getting married soon. I have a good job. I have lots to look forward to but I'm so so sure I won't be around to see it. I need help and no one takes me seriously. My doctor doesn't understand that this iya ruining my life and keeps giving me meds. With side effects. To someone with health anxiety. I've taken like six different types and none help at all. I can only afford 4 sessions of therapy per year and have found them mostly useless. + +There has to be something. I can do. I'm so sure I'm going to die and I'm fucking terrified.",Anxiety +35535,"I just want to feel normal again,how can one do such a thing? Just a college student who wants to feel somewhat sane again. It’s been almost three months since my blood clot and although I’ve adapted to things I still don’t feel like myself. Prior to today I was living in fear, constantly thinking about how things affect me and the worst possible outcome. These thoughts took over everything in my life, even before this clot I was and an over thinker. I’ve never been on medication for anxiety and just got on it, so hopefully that will help some current thoughts of fear fade. “Will I wake up tomorrow?” + +Throughout these months I have been to numerous doctors appointments and check ups, my body just wants to have multiple issues this year I guess. One problem after the next and the moment when my fear starts to subside another issue arises, school. I started to feel better, healthy in a way, yet because I was so determined to feel humane again I fell behind. Some professors were understanding, others focused more on the needed work rather than my health. Little do they all know that if my grades fall, I lose my scholarship. Three years down the drain right there. “How do I explain to professional people that I was afraid to live? Or that my meds persistently make me tired?” + +I know in my heart, mind and soul that there are people out there who have it SO much worse. Believe me when I say I “overthink”, I do. You could make eye contact with me and I’d think something is automatically wrong with me. I don’t have time for counseling because I fear it would interfere with school. I’m not one to vent, no one ever has their full attention so I keep everything in. But goodness, I’m so tired of living in fear. The idea of being told how super rare my case was and that I’m lucky to even be here lives in the back of my head. + +If anyone has advice with life after a blood clot, anxiety, college or anything I could really use it. +I know my post was extremely jumbled and vague, for that I am sorry. It’s an accurate description of my jumbled mind.",Anxiety +443,Actually you know that the cure for your anxiety and confusion is by praying to God. But why do you still forget Him. #PeelGunda,Anxiety +52866,"Please help! Hey guys, I have an on-site interview after being a complete depressed, socially angst hermit for the last 6 months. When I say I didn’t go out of my house more than 4 times in 6 months, best believe it😂 +I applied for a job and I have to fly to another state for it. I thought things were getting better with me but my anxiety is through the roof just thinking about the travel, but mostly the interview. It’s a 2hour session from 10-12pm. +I usually take 10 mg of propranolol, but I don’t think it ll be enough. Do you guys think it’s ok to take 20mg. Before you ask me to ask my doctor, he said I should take 10-20 mg but I have never taken 20 mg before and I am scared I ll pass out or I won’t be able to breath (had asthma when I was younger). +I was thinking maybe of taking one at 8am and then another at 9.30am-ish. +What do you guys think? Anyone with experience? +Also I m a “little” female despite being in my mid 30s . 5 feet and 110lbs",Anxiety +33983,"My elbows keep popping out of place. More notable in my left elbow. Im a skinny dude and its not painful. if i bend it then a part of my elbow kindve pops out and its possible to pop it back in, but it will pop right out again. What is happening and how can i treat it?",Anxiety +52514,"I don't know what to do I was doing well four months ago, then one single moment changed everything where my heart started racing, mouth went dry and I completely shut down. That moment lead me to leave my job. Since then I've been a mess, I'm constantly worried and anxious. I have an interview for a job on Thursday but as much as I want to get back into something, i can't stop panicking about it and I fear I'm going to back off. + +I've tried different techniques to try help but nothing seems to work.",Anxiety +35224,"actual problems mixed with anxiety I have one legitimate issue that i will get an appointment for on monday (sadly, the weekend is inbetween). +My BPM, which usually is around 55-65, got higher and flip flops around a lot (it is between 80 and 100 now when i am sitting or lying down) and my bloodpressure similarly got a tad higher (not to worrying heights, it is below 140) and, what is worrying me, flip flops around a lot when i take several measurements (like going from 100 to 130 and back several times when i do not move and measure 10 times over the course of some minutes, even when i am sitting still and relaxed). + +This is an issue i legitimately think might have to do with my thyroids (no cancer fears about the thyroids, i think it might just be hyperactive and that makes sense because i am celiac and celiacs often have other autoimmune diseases, most commonly thyroid stuff). + +Now to what actually makes me scared and is probably nothing: + +Today, after a long time of it not happening (happened a lot before my celiac diagnosis), my whole body vibrated with my pulse (i could feel it everywhere, most importantly neck), my pulse was actually off (too high, above 100 even when sitting, sometimes going as far as near 120) and i felt pressure in my gutts and chest. The pressure was so bad that, depending on how i moved, it felt like organs press on organs and i felt sick. + +My neck was not only vibrating with my pulse, it also got very tensed (not some kind of stiffness that made it unable to move, but i felt like someone grabbed me just at the start of the back of my head and pressed his finger into it, shutting down the blood flow except for the very strong pulsations). + +I had these symptoms before (more or less) as i said, and I assume that it is Roemheld syndrome (a benign, but very scary kind of thing) because i know that my heart is fine. It got very thoroughly checked back then and it was fine in the months before, i could do sports, i am not feeling weak, i am not having syncopes). + +Roemheld syndrome means that you got so much pressure in your gutts due to air and food that it presses against your heart, chest and lungs so you experience very scary sensations, similar to angina pectoris, but it is not actually dangerous. Your heart rate is increased, your chest feels tight, you might have shortness of breath, but you are going to be fine once the pressure is gone. But that can take a long time and in that time you think you will die and you need to go to the ER. + +I had that today, the first time in almost a year and i was kinda broken that it came back. I thought i beat it, and then suddenly here i am, thinking i got a lung emboli, or my veins are shut down, or there is a tumor pressing on my heart or veins. Or i got a brain aneurysm because i also felt pulsations in my head and heard noises in my air (i dont think these are noises it usually makes when you got very high bp, since my bp is not actually that high and it was only one air AND i got a head MRT the year before and it was fine). + + +Now, i am very sure that roemheld is what caused this, because yesterday i drank a lot of booze and cola while eating and i had a bit of pressure before that to begin with, but the reason that i am still like 'ya, gonna die' is that i lost so much weight compared to last time. +I lost more than 10 kilo so there should be far more space for my innards. I am not overweight anymore. + +So, what my anxiety brain thinks is this: Back then, a tumor right behind my sternum, pressing on my heart. Ofc the pressure got better when i lost weight and stuff, but now it grew enough to make up for it and it presses again against my heart and no doctor will check for that (obviously the tumor is not visible via sono but NEEDS MRT or CT) and at some point it will just destroy my heart and I will die. Or my neck or bones presses on important veins and i will also die because the vein will burst (even tho i had an mrt of the neck (for legit reasons) just 2 months ago and while my neck had issues, noone said anything about veins). + +&#x200B; + +I am fine now because i drank a lot of herbal tea that helps with roemheld, but i am still here thinking about tumors and also thyroid cancer. + +As a bonus point, i think about it even being my own fault because i might have ingested gluten accidently (i probably didnt, but i live, for some time, with a non celiac so there is some chance there was contamination of my food, but he is careful and i am too, so it aint probable) and the gluten made the belly angry. + +I really hope this was a one time thing and i am not falling back into anxiety due to roemheld, i will be extra careful about food in the next days. + + +I will not eat today until the belly died down (and sadly my eating choice are limited due to celiac in any case, not a lot of good 'get healthy' food, at least not in my flat) and drink very much of the herbal tea. + +&#x200B; + +When i feel better, i will do some sit ups and push ops to try to straighten out my belly and i will massage my neck as much as i can. + +So far i am at least not predialing the medics anymore. +",Anxiety +34191,"Does anyone ever read something about cancer and get scared? So I’ve had like a larger swollen node on my neck like right by my jaw on the side for like 3 years this April, showed my doc longggg time ago. It hurts when I think about it or feel it. I have another smaller one on my head and the same spot in my neck on the left. I get really obsessive when it even gets a little bigger, like it is now because I’ve been having some throat normal winter stuff going on. I told my therapist a long time ago and they never got bigger I never had symptoms but they showed up years ago when I had a bad cold. Also, I think they’d show up from physicals that I’ve had over the years? Since I had blood work done etc. I just read some post where a girl had lymphoma that they didn’t even catch from a biopsy and my heart literally dropped it scared me that much. But she also had more nodes showing up. This stuff scares me so much and I can’t talk to friends about it because they just don’t understand. It’s been 3 years I think I’m fine, I mean swollen nodes seem really common actually. I just need someone to tell me I’m okay and reassure me cause hypochondria is a bitch ",Anxiety +52088,"Hands falling asleep. Past few days, I’ve woken up in the night with my hands tingly and asleep, where I have had to shake my fingers to wake them up. And if I try to fall asleep, I can feel light tingles in my hands. It hasn’t been throughout the day, at least not that I have noticed, but I was wondering if anyone else has had symptoms like this?",Anxiety +34259,"Blood Tests Hey y’all, +First time poster, so be kind :) + +I have had health anxiety for a long time. I’m currently a 24 year old female with lots of manageable chronic issues. This requires a lot of blood tests. + +Every time I have to get one, I get really freaked out to the point of causing fights with loved ones and raising my blood pressure with constant anxiety attacks. I’m afraid I may pass or during blood tests, and passing out is one of my biggest fears. Hearing about how it’s really not harmful and I’ll be fine once I wake up is unhelpful. It’s a trigger for me. + +And here’s the thing: I have never passed out, only gotten slightly woozy. Every time it’s better than I imagine it being. + +Can someone give me some advice on how to prevent the slow spiral? ",Anxiety +34323,"Advice? Life's become quite hard worrying about heart attacks I'm 19, 6'1 and about 75kg. I've drank loads of energy drinks in my life and I'm a bit lethargic, I don't do anything deliberately to exercise. But I'm not fat and I don't eat too badly and whatever. No family history of heart attacks at all that I know of, just a lot of cancer. But the past 5 months, literally every day I worry I'm having a heart attack. Whenever I get a bit of chest pain I sieze up and think ""Right, this is it"". And I was never a worrier before this, I'm a really confident person, don't mind getting up on a stage at all. Yet I spend a lot of my days worried shitless about heart attacks now. I went to hospital a few months ago and had a lot of tests done and they said they'd found nothing wrong with me. I had an ECG (I think it's called EKG in America?), blood test, chest x-ray, ultrasound in my belly, obviously the doc checked me out with a stethoscope, and they couldn't find anything wrong. Yet the worry didn't go away. Over Christmas it got really bad, I got scared just walking down the stairs thinking it'd kill me. I do get chest pain and I do think it's real and probably happens worse/more frequently to me than most people, but it's probably just indigestion or something, right? I do eat quite a lot of spicy food and I like fizzy drinks. I don't worry much about other things like cancer, I don't worry about them as much as I should. I just worry about heart attacks and suddenly dying. I always feel uncomfortable in my torso and I'm not sure if there's something wrong the doctors haven't found or if if's purely anxiety. I'm not prone to heart conditions or to anxiety, which came first? Which one is real? I feel a pain in my chest and I get a shooting pain down my left arm fairly often, isn't it natural for me to worry about that? I might have a heart condition that's only detectable when I move around and walk and get the heart going a bit more. + +Dunno why I worry about silly shit I can't control. All I know is I have to walk 20 minutes to class this morning and I know the whole time I'm gunna be having mini panic attacks thinking any second I'm going to die. I'm not going to die, right? + +Tl;dr I'm not at risk of heart attack but I worry about it a lot because I get a lot of chest pain. Doctors can't find anything wrong with me. I'm not usually an anxious person but I worry about this more than I probably should. How do I cope? What's wrong with me?",Anxiety +493,"No need to worry, your story is written by the best screenwriters",Anxiety +34799,"Heart problems please help 😔 So iv been having on and off trouble breathing and a racing heart/palpitations for about a month now. I was supposed to have a blood test but I had a panic attack but I had an ECG done and have heard nothing back so I'm guessing it came back OK? + +I'm still getting random palpitations and a racing heart that seems to come and go and I'm so terrified I have something seriously wrong with me. They can come and go at any time of the day at random I'm so scared but apparently ECGs can pick up all sorts of problems? + +Anyone experience symptoms like these for this long? I'm always tempted to rush the the hospital 😢 ",Anxiety +51911,"Overwhelmed, tried, struggling I was diagnosed with an other-specified anxiety disorder for about a year now and that sent me into a tailspin during my diagnosis. I was doing therapy consistently since then and felt like I had a handle on things but was triggered into another episode a month ago. + +I just feel disconnected and kind of dead now. I've had on and off anxiety the whole month, it's affected my relationship, I'm exhausted all the time, struggling also with stomach issues and feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. My partner has tried to be supportive but I can tell it wears him down. I can't see how I can keep doing this and feeling like this forever. I don't even know what I'm looking for from this post but I just wanted to write something out because I feel tired and sad and alone.",Anxiety +35244,"Found a new app that helps me I found a new app that is helping me keep track of my health fears and then go back later and see if they were real or imagined. I can see my track record of “predicting” so I can tell myself “this fear has been wrong the last 6 times so it’s probably wrong now.” I can also list evidence for or against my fear so I can see proof that my fear is probably unfounded. It’s called Worry Watch. I don’t have any part of making or selling the app, it’s just one that I have liked using. I hope it helps someone else. ",Anxiety +34177,"Scared about temporal arteritis Adding to all the cancers and heart conditions I've been worried about, I just read about temporal arteritis and I'm worried about it too. I'm a 23 year old white male. For the past couple days I've had tenderness near my right temple only. There's no constant pain, but it hurts when I put mild to moderate pressure on a certain part of the bone behind/under the temple. I can feel a slight bump there but there's an essentially symmetrical one on the other side (with no tenderness with the same amount of pressure). I do have many other symptoms of temporal arteritis, including frequent headaches (although generally mild), tiredness in limbs, and general tiredness, but I've had all that for a long time and often can be traced to specific causes like poor sleeping habits and dehydration. I don't have any of the jaw pain or tiredness (any more so than I would normally get after chewing for a long time anyway), although sometimes my mouth does feel slightly stiff if I haven't opened it for a while. I do have a bad habit of clenching/grinding my teeth that I've had for most of my life, and I've had TMJ-associated pain before. I don't *think* I've had any vision loss, but sometimes I do find it harder to focus or I feel like I'm not seeing quite as well when I' tired so I can't say for sure. I don't have any other tender points on my scalp, just the right temple.",Anxiety +52274,"Severe anxiety I’ll be honest I don’t exactly know the point of this post other than I’m really really tired of living and feeling the way I am. From ages 8-15 my life was terrible. My family was broken apart and pitted against each other, there was verbal and mental abuse every day, seeking help wasnt an option and it was all made to seem like normal life. 6 years later I’m still dealing with it. I know my anxiety and depression originated from my childhood and I know I have realistically nothing to worry about but no matter what I tell myself, what I prove to myself, how hard I work or how happy I try to be it’s never enough for me. I have a good job that I am interested in but it has turned into a nightmare. Even though I’m good at it literally as soon as I get off on my way home I will start having anxiety about potential fuck ups I can make and the work I have to do tomorrow. I’ll stress about work at least 50 more times before I clock back in the next day. I mean even when I sit in my car for lunch I start getting anxious. I see my friends maybe once a month due to a lack of motivation or interest in seeing anybody. It takes a long youtube video and about 30 minutes just to tell my brain to STFU and sleep. I dwell on my fuck ups and I’m scared shitless of letting people down. I say yes to basically anything anyone asks me to do (I actually think I’m scared of what people will say or do if I say no). The anxious feeling of what if stops me from meeting new people, going to fun places with my friends and enjoying life. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore and I rarely get excited about things. I feel very emotionally numb to everything EXCEPT stress, fear, worry, and anger. My anxiety and depression was a main factor in my first and last failed relationship due to me being so numb to myself and my SO. I feel like I care about nothing. I don’t find pleasure or happiness in being around my friends, doing the things I love or anything fun. My biggest problem and the main reason I’m making this post is that I don’t talk to ANYONE about it. I absolutely hate having to talk about how I feel and what I’m thinking, even if it’s not about anxiety. All of my fear and worry starts and lives in my head and my head only. I actually get embarrassed having to talk about that shit. I’m just tired of feeling numb, I’m tired of not having fun, I’m tired of this emptiness and I’m tired of feeling and thinking so many things I don’t understand. But this has been my entire life. It’s not an on and off thing. It’s how I think and how I feel constantly and at this point it feels like normal life. Im scared that no amount of work, or therapy will fix it because I feel like I basically have to rewire my entire brain and lifestyle.",Anxiety +52820,"Separation Anxiety Hi everyone! 22 F here. My anxiety and panic attacks flared up in december and ever since then, i have developed separation anxiety from my parents. The trigger is when i hear them get ready in the morning to go to work, it makes me anxious. When they leave, i usually watch harry potter and play games on my ipad to distract me. i know these are safety behaviors and they reinforce the anxiety. What do i do? i’m tapering off of effexor which has heightened my anxiety but i’m at a stand still and don’t know how to change this.",Anxiety +35649,"What are some subs you like to visit to get your mind off of whatever you're worried about? Ive been dealing with another round of health anxiety for about two weeks now and i spend a lot of time on reddit to distract myself. The thing i hate though is sometimes i come across something that freaks me out and its like my anxiety goes into overdrive for a few minutes then i have to focus on something else. Usually it's an ask reddit question or something in the news that causes me to think about things I'm worried about. + +I just want to know about some subs that i can browse for a while and not worry too much about coming across something health related or depressing but not super happy or positive because then it just feels like I'm distracting myself and it backfires.",Anxiety +309,"""No regrets or grudges/angry at things that have passed, and not worrying too much about the future, that's true serenity.""",Anxiety +34148,When your a mess but someone still loves you Today I was texting my mom about my latest pains. My bf kept asking If i was okay and I kept saying fine. Eventually he was like your not fine I know your either looking up symptoms or texting your mom about symptoms. Lol and then and he made me watch a tv show so I would keep my mind off it.,Anxiety +34484,Has anyone tried EMDR for health anxiety? I’ve got the worse health anxiety/anxiety to where I have many panic attacks and pain everyday. I’ve tried CBT it did not work. Having a therapist tell me to go to my happy place sounded like a croc of shit lol. I’ve convinced myself I have MS and that I have heart disease. Those two are the big ones. Any small ache or pain I think I’m dying. I don’t take meds because I’ve heard really bad things. I’ve taken one Xanax which actually didn’t even help. So I’m gonna try and new technique and wonder if anyone has ever tried it? I also get numbness mainly on left side of my body. Thanks guys! ,Anxiety +332,Waiting anxiously,Anxiety +34401,"Pain in my right side, started two days ago, has been getting a bit worse. I'm not really sure why it hurts, but I have been consuming nicotine and caffeine and has felt a bit bloated. Any ideas what it could be? The pain is on my lower right side and is kind of dull but is getting worse. ",Anxiety +34836,"2019 resolutions With my extreme hypercodria / ha my goals are simple but hard . Note I'm in constant fesr of having s heartattack / stroke + +- exercise again +- get out of breath while running and not panic +- less Er visits +- be able to travel without wondering where the closest hospital is or medical help +- be alone and not fear that no one is here to call me an ambulance +- go to more parties and get out more +- beat the shit outa anxiety",Anxiety +34386,"legit anxiety and health anxiety so im roughly 50 lbs over weight + +id really like to get in shape, here is where the problem comes in + +i have legit anxiety as well as health anxiety. + +so excersizing is really hard for me. because every time i excersize my body temp goes up and my heart rate goes up (which its suposed to) +but my paranoia kicks in and i start thinking about heart attacks and i start to freak out and panic. + +its making losing weight really hard, + +but i know if i dont lose the weight thats also a problem.. so its a really conflicting position to be in. + +my diet is a lot better than its ever been, im making much better choices but its not perfect by any means. and im always improving on it. + +so what should i do? any tricks to staying calm during excersize? + +how can i get over the feeling of dread when my body temp and heart rare go up?",Anxiety +441,"Wehh, I just woke up, I was immediately worried, scared to run out, I didn't like it.",Anxiety +35129,"Overracting, help me calm down Some relaxtion techniques would be useful. ",Anxiety +35038,"Worried about lymph node but it also may just be a ingrown hair cyst I think its been there for awhile but I could be wrong, I just know I've fixated on it this past week. Its located right above my right testicle, and it feels hard and doesn't move. its probably between 1-2cm and I can't tell if its a cyst as the hair there does look a little red by the root. Ive now convinced myself I have cancer or HIV and feel awful. I did set up my physical for next week, but some aide to my anxiety in the the mean time would help. I've had fatigue lately but im always kinda fatigued due to my autoimmune disease.",Anxiety +51894,I have been taking 20mg citalopram for 9 days now - I am feeling more depressed/dissociative/unmotivated/tired than ever/before - does it get better? Is this normal? I do have a check up appointment with the doctor next week but I’m nervous maybe it’s not working for me :(,Anxiety +689,"How to get rid of anxiety, please, I want to be normal",Anxiety +34873,"Young adult cancers?? How are people with HA suppose to cope with their disorders when there are constant stories about young adults getting “rare” cancers and reading articles that say certain cancers such as bowel/colon and brain cancers are increasing. Telling yourself “I’m too young” is apparently not good enough anymore as being young doesn’t matter to these cancers. + +I swear, I’ve been handling my HA lately but reading about this stuff or it popping up on YouTube/Facebook, it’s hard to cope.",Anxiety +52139,Struggling and could use someone to talk to! I am struggling with anxiety so much this week. I just need someone who understands to speak to who might be able to help me not feel so alone.,Anxiety +33939,"Dr.’s office blew up my phone about results of blood test I’ve been suffering from health anxiety for a few months now after a lymes disease scare in November. I found myself fine tuned to any aches/pains in my body at this time out of paranoia of getting lymes disease. After my blood test came back negative, I still felt these aches and pains and now started to attribute them to severe diseases, like cancer, and driving myself crazy. These pains seem to be deep in my bone and very painful, but I simply don’t know if they’re psychosomatic or real. I find it hard to believe I could imagine these pains, but at the same time I didn’t feel these pains before my scare back in November. I finally went to get a physical for the first time in 4 years last week and also requested a blood test. + +Fast forward to today, an unknown number called me 4 times and left a message the last time. It was the Dr.’s office notifying me my blood results came in. I feel very uneasy about this... why not call once and leave a message? The multiple calls are freaking me out and makes me feel the results are really bad. Also, does anyone know if my Lyme blood tests would’ve tested for cancer as well? I’m 22 years old if this helps btw. Thank you!",Anxiety +35561,"Possible mono...maybe something worse Noticed swollen tonsils/scratchy throat last Thursday. Still hasn’t gone away, but developed a persistent headache that intensifies with movement that’s been going on for like 4 days now. Obviously think it’s a brain tumour. Went to the doctors yesterday morning and they did a basic physical and did some neuro tests (because I complained of strange, intense headaches). Doctor ordered some blood work to test for mono but to only go through with it if my condition worsens + +All day today I was extremely tired. Had to stay up to write a final essay but then around 3 am I start shaking uncontrollably (chills) and was burning up. I felt like I could’ve thrown up any second. My fever reached 38.9 C which to me is extremely high. I took an Advil about an hour and a half ago but my temperature is still the same. I’m too scared to go to bed because I’m worried my fever will skyrocket and I’ll die in my sleep + +I’ve been so good with my health anxiety lately and now this just randomly came along :( these are the only 2 outcomes in my head: +1) I either have mono which I actually wouldn’t be too nervous about because then at least I know what’s wrong +2) I have cancer + +Do you think this new fever warrants the blood test for mono? Has anyone ever had mono and their symptoms sound similar? ",Anxiety +52669,Anxiety at night Anyone’s anxiety worst at bedtime ???,Anxiety +52411,,Anxiety +52317,"My Job Is Depressing Me I need help/insight + +I started my first this job September of my last semester of college, and I was excited to have such a great opportunity. + +From day one, I have felt very little direction at the job. I had one day of training on one of the four projects I was to oversee. The previous person in the position had left already and I was trained by someone filling in for the moment. The training I got doesn’t even scratch the surface of all that I have to do. There’s so many things don’t know how to do or didn’t know I was supposed to do. I’ve read through my manual for help and there’s not enough information. + +It seems me asking for help from my colleagues is unwanted, and something is not clear between me and my bosses. It’s like the expect me to know things I was never shown. I’ve only been trying to learn the system for 7 months (which I do understand better now). + +I feel trapped and punished. I don’t reach out, then will always be lost. I reach out and it’s a surprise. + +This my first “legitimate job” and I can’t tell whether or not I’m not good enough or if I was put in a bad situation. I want to like my job, but I honestly really dislike it due to never knowing completely what I’m doing. I have no help…and I’m on edge everyday thinking about my job.",Anxiety +52151,,Anxiety +34839,I started the mini pill and I’m worried about seizures... This sounds so weird but that’s HA. I started the mini pill and I read on the pamphlet that it’s contraindicated for anyone who has a seizure disorder. I don’t have one but I’m worried it will provoke one. I need assistance rationalizing this. It sounds stupid but part of me says what if. I don’t even know if that can happen. ,Anxiety +52192,Why is It hard to accept its just anxiety after numerous tests and reassurance. It’s been almost two years living trying to manage health anxiety and almost nothing that I try is working. I’ve been on anxiety medication for three months and thinking I was only gonna need It for 3 months I have actually increased the dose and want to be in It longer. I learn a lot in therapy but always fail to incorporate any technique in real life. No matter what I do to cope I just can’t shake the anxiety away. I know anxiety is a part of life and regardless it’s going to come up but I can’t stop catastrophizing the anxiety I feel. The anxiety makes It hard to focus in school and at work to the point where I’m close to leaving both. How do I get It through my head that I am okay. That anxiety is okay. That any tiny thing my body feels doesn’t mean I’m dying. How can I trust my body. How can I trust myself. How can I trust in the universe. How can I stop.,Anxiety +34473,"Tired of wasting my money and time I know nothing is wrong with me but I'm in so much pain all the time that I go to the doctor and my blood results are always normal. I'm so tired of it. I've wasted so much money going to the ER because the triage nurse suggested it based on my symptoms or because I was hunched over in pain for hours. I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac or what but I'm always at the doctors office and my job is very much at risk. At this point I'm saying fuck it, if my appendix bursts then let it. If my iud punctures my uterus or becomes embedded in the uterine lining and causes digestive infection then let it. It would be better than living in pain just to be told nothing is wrong with me. Better than to be known as the unreliable employee. ",Anxiety +34877,"Trouble getting deep breath? I’ve had trouble getting a deep breath throughout my whole life but for the last few years I feel like it never goes away. I honestly can’t live like this anymore. + +I just went to see a pulmonologist and a cardiologist and everything came back fine. I know I have gastric issue (hiatal hernia) and that can be the cause but I barely even feel like I have reflux so why would the main symptom be this breathing issue? + +Right now my mind is fixated on this MS “hug” and I have now convinced myself I have MS. I need to schedule an MRI or I won’t be able to get past this. + +Has anyone else had this “air hunger” trouble getting a deep breath issue and actually solved it?",Anxiety +16,"I can only hope, even though I'm worried if it starts like this....",Anxiety +35272,"Parenting with health anxiety. I don’t want my kids to be like me, I want them to live carefree and have fun. How the hell do I not freak out over every little cough, bump, or fall that happens with my kids? + +I constantly feel like I’m going to die or something bad will happen, but I don’t want to feel that way about my kids too. 😭 my son bumped his head today and I can’t stop obsessing over it even though he’s playing and acting completely normal. ",Anxiety +35457,"Irrational fear of rabies So I know that my fear is irrational but I can’t stop thinking about it! + +At the beginning of January (I mean very beginning like 4th) I was at a store where the owner had two cats. The cat that bit was very friendly at first, was rubbing against my mom and I. My mom had playfully ruffled its head and it had swatted at her, I then went to pet it and it bit me! Looking back it the incident I know the cat was most likely just annoyed hence why it bit me. + +At the end of January I (mistakenly) decided to consult dr google about rabies. This seemed to set something off in my brain, that night I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that I was going to die of rabies. I went to the doctors and received a tetanus shot and was told to call the owner. + +My mom called for me and the owner told her that since the cats are in a public place they have to be up to date on their shots. While this was reassuring at first, a day later I kept having what if’ thoughts. Such as “what if the lady was lying about about the cat being vaccinated” + +Either way it’s now March and I’m experiencing what I think is anxiety. Every time I think about my health, my chest tightens up and it feels like I can’t breath. I’m having awful muscle twitches in my legs, arms, and eyelids. I’m also having what I think is “pains” in my left arm (not the arm I was bit by the cat). And the newest thing is I’m getting horrible nausea to the point where I feel close to throwing up (and I haven’t thrown up in years). Even now I can’t help but wonder “what if I’m just having a long term incubation period” + +I guess I’m here looking for some reassurance that I’m not going crazy or dying slowly of rabies",Anxiety +640,really worried but i don't know why,Anxiety +35520,"Constant Headaches. I’ve been under a lot of stress/been having lots of anxiety lately. + +I’ve been having headaches all around my head, pain ranging from mild-moderate. + +Sometimes it’s in the side of my head, sort of like pressure? I can’t explain it. Also I have wisdom teeth coming in, and sometimes it goes up to my head. + +Right now it’s on the left side. Very very mild. + +Should I be worried about aneurysms/brain tumours?",Anxiety +52370,Deviated septum / mouth breathing? Anyone else have a deviated septum or mouth breathing? Could that be tied to anxiety?!,Anxiety +35280,Don't check today's trending subreddits I did and my own morbid curiosity wound up setting off my health anxiety. Save yourself the trouble and steer clear.,Anxiety +34341,"Rabies anxiety So, I have pretty severe rabies anxiety, which usually only acts up in the summer. I'm lucky in that I don't really worry about cats or dogs, since I next to never interact with them, but I'm absolutely *terrified* of a rabid bat getting into my room and biting me without my knowing it. We've had bats in our house twice now, and maybe two or three years ago, finally did an exclusion in our attic and had a professional go around and seal everything up. + +I haven't slept with my window open at night for several years now, but last night, I left it open by mistake until around 4 in the morning; which, naturally, set off my anxiety. I have a screen on my window, which sort of sets against a little interior strip of wood, but it isn't tightly sealed, and there's one side that's actually quite loose (big enough that a bat *probably* could get through). + +I'm trying to be very logical about this, but I'm struggling. I was in my room basically all night until I went to bed (at around 4 AM), and never saw a bat, or heard anything against the screen, but just *knowing* that my window was open, and what if a bat got in while I wasn't looking or when I left the room or something? Reasonably, I know a sick bat wouldn't be able to get back out if one had gotten in, and I don't think there's any way I *wouldn't* notice a bat flying around -- healthy or otherwise! -- but it's very hard to convince myself of that.",Anxiety +35731,"Circulatory problems. Cause for concern? I'm a very thin dude, just under 120 lbs and probably 5'8"" or so. I have pretty big hands, long gangly fingers and have a friend my age who is 6'5 (probably twice my weight), who has only slightly bigger hands. Bad circulation is kind of a family thing, and my Dad has troubles with it. Every girl I've been with will continually comment on how cold my hands are, it ruins some things in that regard for me. Sometimes when I start to get warm again after coming indoors or holding a cold one for a while orange spots begin to appear, but my hands rarely warm up to my body's temperature. Should I care now or just worry about getting healthier overall? ",Anxiety +34780,"Rabies fear Hello everyone, back again, this time with a rabies scare. + +I got a new cat about 3 months ago, and she's a community stray from kind of the outskirts of Philadelphia. She's about 9 months old now and very rambunctious, and quite a cutie. + +However, as she is rambunctious I somehow started looking into whether or not she could have rabies. She runs around like crazy, rolls around a lot, and loves biting me. Like, LOVES biting me. Definitely drawn blood a few times, no infections due to careful cleaning after. + +I read that rabies usually shows 2-3 months after infection, and upwards of a year, so theoretically if she was bitten before I got her (she's 100% an indoor cat now) she could start showing symptoms. + +Is it at all possible, or am I being a doof? + +Also, should mention, got her all of her shots after taking her in. Not sure if that matters for rabies. + +Thank you all!",Anxiety +52080,"talking weed use with therapist how do your therapists react when you tell them you consume cannabis? I’ve gotten everything from the non-judgmental “does that help?” to a full on rant about how drugs can cause more anxiety/depression and please let us know if you’re on other drugs… I wonder if they’re giving the same rant for people who drink multiple times a werk. + +I think my main regret with bringing it up is I feel like therapists don’t see me as reliable anymore. which is really funny because I consume a very small amount of edibles about two-three times a mo. and i don’t drink alcohol or use any other substances. but I can see it on their face that they don’t believe me. it seems like a catch 22. does it even help to be honest?",Anxiety +51880,"Please help! Hey guys, I have an on-site interview after being a complete depressed, socially angst hermit for the last 6 months. When I say I didn’t go out of my house more than 4 times in 6 months, best believe it😂 +I applied for a job and I have to fly to another state for it. I thought things were getting better with me but my anxiety is through the roof just thinking about the travel, but mostly the interview. It’s a 2hour session from 10-12pm. +I usually take 10 mg of propranolol, but I don’t think it ll be enough. Do you guys think it’s ok to take 20mg. Before you ask me to ask my doctor, he said I should take 10-20 mg but I have never taken 20 mg before and I am scared I ll pass out or I won’t be able to breath (had asthma when I was younger). +I was thinking maybe of taking one at 8am and then another at 9.30am-ish. +What do you guys think? Anyone with experience? +Also I m a “little” female despite being in my mid 30s . 5 feet and 110lbs",Anxiety +35240,"Self diagnosis past 4 months I thought I would just list all the diseases/problems I've convinced myself I've had the past few months. Multiple trips to the Dr, multiple blood tests - everything coming back clear. + +Diabetes, HIV, throat/tongue/mouth cancer, MS, lupus, overactive thyroid and sjogrens syndrome. + +Yup, it's been a tough few months, I've lost so much sleep thinking about how I'm going to tell my friends and family, will I have to move back home to die? But I'm so young, this is so unfair? + +I'm still struggling, but for the past week I've stopped googling and honestly, it has helped. I still get the thoughts and worries, but by not googling they do not manifest in my mind as much. + +My doctor has diagnosed me with something though, and that something is anxiety. I think it's important to remember that anxiety does have LOADS of physical symptoms (over 100!) and can affect people in different ways. A website I find useful (I know, no googling but this is different, right) is; https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml + +I've been lurking on this sub for the past month or so, and can really relate to posts here on a daily basis. It's somewhat comforting to know you're not alone with these crazy thoughts. + +If anyone is struggling and wants someone to talk to, my DMs are open 😁 have a great week everybody. +Oh, and drink water.",Anxiety +34362,"Anxious about appendicitis I have IBS which I know causes my stomach and lower GI pain. Which also is flared up with anxiety. So I get anxious about something I know isn't affecting me because it's just my IBS acting up, which causes me to get more anxious and causes it to get worse etc. etc. It's such a vicious cycle and I don't know how to deal with it. I took Zoloft for anxiety a few months ago but I didn't like how it made me feel and I've since stopped. I don't know how to keep myself from worrying about something I clearly do not have.",Anxiety +35107,"Weird sensations in head / headaches 28/M/White/320lbs Blood pressure good (118/81) (currently dieting and losing weight steadily, uncontrolled anxiety/depression caused lots of weight gain) Currently taking Zoloft 75mg and Metaprolol 12mg (half a tablet twice a day) as well as magnesium supplements and vitamin b12 supplements. + +Been suffering with weird sensations in my head since December 11th. Started off getting very mild headaches with pressure in my right temple. Went to Urgent care, they ordered a CT scan without contrast which all came back normal. I do suffer from high Anxiety and depression which is why I take Zoloft. The headaches have always been mild and the pressure has never really been ""severe"" it just kinda scares me. Doctor put me on metaprolol because he thinks it may be migraines as I also get some auras (black dots and what not). The pain also seems to get worse when I lay on my right side, that's when the pressure is at its highest. My doctor honestly doesn't seem too worried about it and thinks it's migraines but I don't see why migraines would give me the head pressure. I think it's getting better but it is definitely still there. A couple things, I have very outdated glasses and really need a new prescription, I also notice lately that I think I'm a pretty bad jaw clincher without realizing it. I might be forgetting some details, but one other strange thing is I feel like it was less painful and obvious if I wore a hat, but then I wasn't sure if it was caused from hearing a hat (beanie) so I stopped wearing that. Sorry if this is confusing, hopefully someone else has experienced this and may be able to help.",Anxiety +34900,"My story of HIV anxiety Hi there, + +For the last month and a half I've been dealing with the worst health anxiety of my life. Prior to this my health anxiety has been me thinking i'm going to have a heart attack causing me to constantly check my pulse. Things along those lines. But my current situation is far more severe. Here it is, I've posted something on here before about it. + +I met a girl and we talked for months. She is a sexual person and I am not, it took me months before I finally decided I could move past just talking. After sex with a condom the first few times, we had unprotected sex the next a few times. I know how stupid this is but its even more idiotic for someone with health anxiety as i've learned. We agreed it was okay to do because i had no sexual history and she had been tested negative for stds. After the last time, 2 weeks later i got very sick. My doctor called it the worst sore throat she had seen in a long time. Along with that came chills, body aches, fatigue. I had blood work done my doctor called to say I had mono. I had only kissed this one person, and I asked her she said she had mono 4 years before. + +However, I idiotically googled symptoms. As it turns out, HIV in its early stages has all the symptoms of mono. Combine that with having unprotected sex 2 weeks before feeling sick and immediately I become overwhelmed with fear. I began to notice other things wrong with my body that resembled acute HIV - my tongue has a coating on it that i think is oral thrush, a rush formed on my chest after i started to feel better. Other things started to appear like my stomach began to growl regularly and my legs turn red in the shower. This fear hasn't gone away for a month now to the point of it keeping me up at night and sporadic panic attacks when I think about it throughout the day. + +I have to take a test to put this to rest and resolve it. I know how extremely unlikely it would be for me to have this. I asked if she had been tested for stds since and she said she had been very recently. On top of this, im not sure i can ever be intimate or sexual again if this is how im going to act. ",Anxiety +52344,can't get rid of fear of losing my job like 500 time a day i think i'm gonna get fired and consumed by it. sigh.,Anxiety +614,restless and worrying too much,Anxiety +34674,Foot feels weird??? I got a leg cramp in my calf yesterday morning and it was super weird but my calf is sore now. Yesterday it fine and my foot felt fine but now my left foot feels like it could be getting the smallest of pins and needles. Like idk if they're really there but I feel like they come and go. I'm a healthy 20 year old and I exercise everyday. I google stuff but there is nothing about a foot feeling weird after a leg cramp. (My calf is still a little sore). I'm afraid I have a blood clot? How could I even though I'm normal weight and height and eat all the right things and exercise a lot?,Anxiety +51861,"I live with two people in my family who have schizophrenia and there was a butcher knife placed on a picture of me i’m a 19 year old cc student and i live with my grandma, mom, uncle, aunt, and little sister. + +my mom has a meth addiction and she’s developed schizophrenia from it and it’s been getting worse as the years go on. my uncle was hit on the head at a young age and im not exactly sure what he struggles since we never talk but i think it’s schizophrenia. my mom doesn’t take her meds i think and my grandma is constantly trying to help her with moving in and out of motels and rehabs and all this stuff for the past 8 months or so (realistically she’s been trying to help her for many many years now but my mom had moved out) recently my mom moved back in like a week ago. my uncle is very strange and i don’t know really anything about him. he leaves his room a few times a day and doesn’t talk to anyone, sometimes i hear him talk to himself in his room, but he doesn’t yell and scream like my mom does, he’s just very quiet and intense. + +so earlier tonight i was using my grandmas phone for school since mine was dead, and i got curious to look in her messages between my mom because i’ve seen messages between them before where my mom is talking about how she hears voices talking about someone wanting to kill me and how she’s constantly was thinking about me and she doesn’t think i’m safe. so i looked and my aunt (she’s mentally well) sent my grandma a picture where she found a big butcher knife placed on top of a picture of me. + +the message said “*uncles name* is acting strange again. i asked *moms name* if she did this and she said she didn’t. does *uncles name* know what it means to stab someone? that they will die?” in the photo my aunt sent my grandma, the picture of me was in like a mouse pad that was custom made with a photo of me from 4th grade. the thing is i’m not sure if it’s a coincidence because the mouse pad is on a desk for like where a computer used to be but the desk in like directly connected to the kitchen like almost next to it, so it could be possible that someone had happened to place that knife there so i didn’t really freak out. but i talked to some friends and when i kinda said it out loud to them i did kinda realize like damn that does kinda sound bad and they told me that yea it’s probably not safe. + +i don’t know if it was my uncle or mom either though, if it even was intentional. my uncle used to come home and hit me in the head as a kid a lot, and we would yell and scream at each other (we lived together for like 6 years and this would happen, then we moved, then we moved again and he moved back in with us) but ever since we moved back in again we literally do not talk to each other at all. he’s very awkward around me and everyone tbh and quiet, and i can tell he doesn’t like to be in the same room as me even though i do not interact with him at all whatsoever. we’ve said hey to each other like less than 10 times over the years and that’s about it. he does kinda seem like he hates me but i don’t think he would want to kill me. on the other hand it’s possible that my mom was lying to my aunt, but from what i’ve seen i don’t think my mom wants to kill me either. whenever she has talked about me in that way it’s more of a “this is my son i need to protect him from whoever gonna kill him” type of way rather than a malicious tone. but again, they are both schizophrenic which i really don’t know much about besides they can be unpredictable and so that’s why i’m asking. + +i know it’s weird to ask about this on reddit but i really don’t have anyone to talk to about it. i’m not going to directly confront my uncle about it because again we are very distant and he’s a big guy i just don’t want to i feel like it’d be worse, and i don’t want to ask my mom because i know she would say no even if she did. i’m going to ask my grandma tomorrow since i haven’t been able to since she’s been asleep all night, but she’s just going to ignore me after i express my concerns, which she always does. i can talk to my aunt about it even though we’re not really too close but yeah. + +another thing is my grandma sent the photo my aunt sent her to my uncle asking if he did it and he kind of just ignored it, didn’t deny it so. but yea i cant really move out or anything, i don’t have the money for that since i just graduated high school and honestly i don’t have a job right now since i’m a full time student and i just don’t know where i would go. i don’t have any friends that would let me live with them either so that’s out of the picture . the best thing i’m hoping for is the convince my grandma to have them move out but that’ll probably never happen even though i want it to so bad. i just don’t know if this is a coincidence with the knife and i shouldn’t be worried or what i should do so yea pls help",Anxiety +35470,"Eyelid Cancer? I've been having lots of problems with my eyes lately. + +1. My eyelashes curl inwards to poke my eyes +2. Eyelashes fall out into my eyes +3. Little bumps on the middle of my eyelid (where it touches the other eyelid) that cause discomfort when I blink. +4. And now, a bump on the inside of my eyelid, touching my eye, causing discomfort. + +I've thought about it alot, and I can't think of anything it could be other than cancer. Am I right and should I go see a doctor? And what kind of doctor should I see? Thanks",Anxiety +34892,"Lump near groin, between pubic area and inner thigh I'm kinda scared. I have a pea sized lump in that place you see when you open your legs, where your legs move, very close to the pubic region and the inner thigh. It's a hardish lump, like cartilage. If i move the skin it moves with it, do it's not stuck on the bone or tendon. I have a small red bump right next to it too which is kinda irritated, but the ""big"" one is the one that freaks me out the most. When I fully open my legs you can see a bit of protrusion. I found it yesterday night, it feels like it came out of nowhere. ",Anxiety +51905,"4 years ago I wasnt showering for months at a time, depressed, anxious and paranoid. At the time I was sober going on 18, 19 years. I was, and am on disability since 09' for schizoaffective bipolar type disorder. + +For the longest time, especially since sobriety, I've been overwhelmed with thinking. Space, time, behavior, tornadoes...whatever. + +But, since my life was an unmanaged train wreck I had no confidence in myself as having any quality. It seems that feeling good about yourself comes from a well managed life. + + +My last job was as a janitor on the army base near by roughly 5 years ago. I couldnt handle the pressure. I was so dependant on others for everything I was asking if I was sweeping properly. Very bad mindset. A lady mentioned crying and it made me feel like crying. I didnt understand how that could be. It seemed like witchcraft, so to speak. That was my last day at my last job. It was my 4th attempt to go back to work since my disability badge acquisition! + +I've been in therapy for 16 or 17 years ago I got into therapy from a mental health episode. During that visit at the crisis stabilisation unit in Virginia (Fredricksburg) I met a man that changed my life. He went by the name Bose Uncle. He taught me a breathing exercise. 3 in 6 out. You breath in deep for 3 seconds roughly then out for 6 seconds. Also roughly. Dont try to be specific like me and do it exactly 3 and 6. + +On down the road, life and me under pressure and practicing my breathing because sufferage bleep blop bloop, pandemic. Overwhelming, unadulteraded pain in the brain from an anxiety I'd never expierenced before I saw a vision. It seemed to be the exact same thing that happened to Bill Wilson from AA. A wind blew through me. His words. My words on it are, I was no longer a bound up point in time and space holding on to the memories from the stimulation from the moment. I was free from the tension that came about from the fucking utter bullshit that exists. I let it go. The moment. I stopped holding and figuring. + +&#x200B; + +It was like my being afraid got wore out. I remember specifiaclly saying to myself at the height of my pain in a ridgid bodily posture laying in my recline, ""bullshit."" I calle dbullshit on my old beliefs. That old fire and brimstone god. Intstead I chose ""my concept"" of life as my God. My ideas are good to. Changed life. + + +About six months later I nearly died from pancreatitis. When I got home from 6 days in the hospital I shared it on facebook. I received a good number of get well soon messages as expected. I did not get what I thought I would. People coming to visit, bringing me food...all that. I nearly fucking died. I know hundreds of people. What does that mean? My perception is fucked up, my beghhvior is fucked up, I need to change. + + +I did not think that way at first. At first I thought, ""I fucking hate everyone."" For a while. + +Then 6 months later, I got diagnosed with autism. April 24th 2021. + + +6 months later after learning to relax, I rested on my heels for the first time in my life. This began the second chapter of my life. The taking my time portion. The I am the most impotant person in my life to me. You all come second. For ever. I no longer run to the kitchen, the bathroom, through the grocery store, drive fast, or move my limbs fast. I have even taken control of my eyes speed of movement. + + +Did you know that your body can control your mind. If you dont control your body your body will be controlled by your environment throught the mind. + + +You receive stimulus simply due to being a sensing being. This moves you. If you are not aware of it. Make yourself aware of this and take control of your body, the way you look, smell, move (behavior speed) amplitude of voice ...total bodily control and you can eliminate a great deal of your own suffering. I havew come off my depression meds and greatfully have finally been more aptly medicated with litium. Now I dont have to force myself into slow mo behavior but I do stay aware I think from a bit of fear. + + +You can control your thinking! + + +You can control your thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +&#x200B; + +I wish I could impress upon whomever needs it that the pause in conversation is ok. Moving the body oddly slow is not odd. Not speaking is an answer. And, you dont owe a motherfucker a goddamn thing if it stresses you out. + + Peace in east!",Anxiety +421,"mentally down because social media is not that good :""/ you're worried but can't do anything :((",Anxiety +52412,"Prejudice or attraction? There’s a guy at work that flirted with me a lot at a work party and now we are avoiding each other like a plague… He is always sending someone else to talk to me and when he sees me, he doesn’t even say hi… I am an immigrant woman and I can’t speak his language so well, sometimes I believe that he is avoiding me bc he has no patience to talk with me… The anxiety hits hard and I can’t confront him bc of the language barrier and the anxiety of speaking another language… I need some tips on how to overcome this fear",Anxiety +51890,"Question I have a question, so when i am out in public i feel like everyone is looking at me, but then i start feeling like I’m in a dream, like a lucid dream. I can but i feel like i cant think thoughts and only focus on doing what I’m supposed to do. I also feel like my head is fogged up inside too in public lol. Im not the happiest person to be honest and since maybe half a year ago I’ve stopped caring abt things and when i think of something and it gets a little complicated i just quit thinking abt it, i dont care enough to think about anything for some reason. Can someone please tell me if its anxiety or is there something wrong with me.",Anxiety +52986,"Long Guided Breathing videos Does anyone have any recommend for guided breathing videos on YouTube that are long, 30mins+, that you can listen to through headphones when in a situation where you anxiety is elevated to help control your breathing? I hyperventilate, and one on calm app are too short for me",Anxiety +35659,"Do you ever find your ""symptoms"" change or transfer to different areas? A couple of months ago I started getting this sharp pain in my upper right abdomen just below the ribcage. I'm 27 and regrettably eat a fair amount of takeout so naturally I assumed this to be gallbladder issues. I ended up getting it checked at the ER one night when I got some really sharp pains and found a ""bump"" in that area. The doctor was convinced the bump was just fatty cartilage and since the pains seemed to happen at random and not after meals that it was likely not my gallbladder. They scheduled an ultrasound anyway which turned up with no issues which I was happy about. + +&#x200B; + +That said since then I started getting neck/back pain, which didn't really concern me given my crappy posture and I've always had a fair amount of neck tension. However in the past couple weeks I started getting random shoulder/arm pains that come just as quick as they go, and today i started getting quick sharp chest pains, though I'm convinced the chest issue comes from some recreational smoking last night with some friends. + +&#x200B; + +Anyways, thinking about all this made me wonder if many other people here have dealt with anything similar, and honestly typing this all out has helped me deal with some of the anxiety which is a welcome bit of relief.",Anxiety +34093,"Marfan Syndrome and Ibuprofen Why is it not recommended for people with that diagnosis to take ibuprofen? + +I did a google search but it only directed me to blogs... +",Anxiety +585,"Overthinking, lonely, anxious, bad mood, sad, reminiscing about things that make you feel uncomfortable... Just keep going",Anxiety +52511,"Rejection Sensitivity: The Real Reason You're Struggling in Relationships Listen & learn people. + +This is a Youtube video from ""Healthy GamerGG"". I found it very relateable and helpful and I think anyone who has struggled with social anxiety/rejection/whatever can learn a thing or two. ",Anxiety +35577,"3 year problem I have had this numb, tingling sensation in the same spot for over 3 years now. It’s everyday same spot and never really gets worse, I only really notice when my mind isn’t busy. I am on medication for it as my neurologist said it is a migraine disorder which I beg to differ. I have had 3 mri scans even with contrast and two eeg which came back normal. I occasionally get pins and needles in leg and tingling on left side of face. I am convinced I have ms and lately I have been experiencing muscle twitching right arm for 2 days now..which is pretty constant. I am worried about having ALS and I am so scared to go back see a doctor about it. ",Anxiety +52598,"24/7 lightheaded and pressure in head 40 male starting to go crazy with this +Does anyone else have this ?? +All my doctors tell me they got no idea +Please help",Anxiety +52709,"How to deal with anxiety caused by new in site job? I had pretty bad problems with anxiety a couple of years ago, but I managed to get better. For the last couple of years, I worked remotely, my job was calm and my colleagues were nice. + +Two weeks ago I started a new office job. +At first, felt just drained mentally and physically and I thought that this was just me adjusting to my new lifestyle, but now I feel how my anxiety is back. Being locked in a small room the whole day surrounded by people that I don't know has taken a tow on my mental health. And this in only 2 weeks! + +I have the option to work someday of the week remotely, but I was hoping to be in the office until I get a grasp of what are my day-to-day tasks. + +So do you have any advice on how I can deal with this for at least a couple more weeks until I feel comfortable getting an home office day?",Anxiety +76,"I haven't slept yet, and now my head hurts so bad. I'm sleepy, but I can't sleep, I've tried to brake but I'm restless ",Anxiety +190,"Come on, come on, let's go... 10 years could be passed before, it's not even a month yet, I'm already restless",Anxiety +52163,"Anxiety is ruining my life I am now into my 30s and feel like my life is passing me by while I am unable to enjoy it due to being anxious all of the time. I have a great job and feel like I am going to ruin it because I am so socially anxious and awkward. + +The only time I feel like I can truly enjoy the company of other people and not feel like my flight or flight is x100 is when I take a low dose opiate or drink alcohol. + +I stopped doing all of it for two years thinking that I might get better if I don’t use any substances, but it just spiraled into extreme anxiety and depression since I didn’t get any breaks from it. + +I have tried every SSRI/SNRI/TCA under the sun and they don’t work. + +I don’t know what the point of this post is other than to vent I guess.",Anxiety +718,"Maybe these few days for you it's just normal or nothing, but you know what? One day feels really long for me after that happened, I always worry about what decision you want to make in the future, and when are you going to tell me that decision",Anxiety +34173,"Appreciate the trigger So we have this patch of yard that’s just covered in leafs and overgrowth. Me and the neighbor agree to clear the patch on his land and mine. He’s cutting and burning for 2 days before I get a chance to go help. I start clearing my land. Removing leafs, burning them, cutting down growth and burning mine. Day 2 a family friend comes to help and says oh my gosh have you been burning this poison ivy/sumacs?! I look confused because there’s nothing with leaf of 3 and so on. The friend goes on and on about how burning it can infect your lungs and it’s highly dangerous. Well me and the neighbor have been burning it for days now. + +So of course I’m googling symptoms of poisoning in the lungs from ivy/sumac. And I don’t know if I’m making up symptoms or my throat just hurts from the smoke in general. + +**Edit/Update** +Called dr on demand for video chat about what to watch for and so on. Breathing problems. Told me to take antihistamines and keep some handy. I did but anxiety is still peaking pretty hard ",Anxiety +35602,"Six pack a day I drink a six pack a day. And have for several years. I'm a 30 year old Male. I'm 5'6"" and I weigh about 175. Other than being a little chubby I feel healthy. Just wanted some insight into what other people thought. I had a check up about a year ago and was healthy",Anxiety +51960,"having a really bad anxiety night too anxious to sleep, but i’m exhausted from not getting enough sleep last night. just feeling really helpless right now. + +if anyone is reading this and going through a similar thing, i hear you. you’re not alone. just gotta tough out the rough patches, this too shall pass.",Anxiety +35792,"One side of my face is doing some very weird things - swollen gums, a lump in my jaw, ear ache and now I’ve woken up and I can’t hear out of my ear, could it be a Tumor? I’m panicking so much that I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through work today, I’m shaking, I can’t think straight. At first I thought it was my wisdom tooth coming through as the swelling and pain was around that area and I could feel the crown coming up, then the swelling went down but the pain remained, then I felt pain in my jaw and noticed there was a large lump on it that wasn’t there before, it felt a bit like bone. That’s still there and it still aches, but then yesterday my ear started aching and I’ve just woken up this morning and it still hurts AND it feels full so I can’t hear out of it. I’m scared there’s a Tumor growing in that side of my face which is causing everything to hurt, and is blocking my ear canal. I’ve booked a dentist appointment for the swelling gums and everything and I’m going to get a doctors appointment ASAP although there’s like a 2 week turnaround at the moment. I’m so worried guys what is happening to me?",Anxiety +35358,"Intense body aches from aftermath of a common cold So basically 8 days ago, I caught the common cold and was hit with the usual 3 - sore throat, cough and runny nose. During the course of the sickness, I experienced sweating at night and joint pains. Fast forward to today, I no longer have the 3 symptoms, I might even add that I feel recovered! However, the oddity is that the body aches and joint pains still lingers as if I was sick and it has been affecting my sleep. If I were to describe the pain, it feels like it's my entire body with the most painful part being my rib/torso area. I was wondering if this is normal? Any thoughts? + + +I might add that during the course of the sickness, I coughed really heavily and battled pretty bad yellow phlegm production (loads of it) so my uneducated ass might think that the pain stems from me ""overworking"" myself? ",Anxiety +52667,"Finally asked my doc about propranolol Just a little bit ago I sent my doc a message asking if propranolol could be an option for me. + +The fight or flight mode in my body sometimes just activates with no mental triggers I could think of. + +I've heard a lot of good things about it, so I'm hoping she says yes especially with her knowing I HATE taking benzos. + +I'm hoping this'll be the push I need to have a decent recovery, and maybe start working more than 10-12 hours a week + +Feel free to share success stories, I need the support!",Anxiety +1,"trouble sleeping, confused mind, restless heart. All out of tune",Anxiety +34531,"Doctor appointment tomorrow and terrified I have an appointment for a physical tomorrow morning. I haven't been in 2 or 3 years and this is with a new doctor. I have never been so anxious about a basic checkup before. I'm not sure if it's because of my current cancer fear (lymphoma and/or vaginal cancer) but I'm a wreck. I'm so scared of my bloodwork coming back all messed up. I mean, even something like high cholesterol is going to freak me out. My new doctor has a patient care portal so I can log in to look at my results when they come in and even though it's probably a bad idea I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from checking. + +I'm just ready to get all of this over with :(. ",Anxiety +52309,"Almost first public panic attack Was standing in a room full of people for a work presentation. I was at the front and wasn't the focus but could be seen by many. I was bored so my mind was just humming along. Then intrusive thoughts came, then a worse one. Then i was thinking i need to leave, then I knew i can't, i can't leave i can't have space i am stuck, i need to run, then the room started kinda spinning and i got light headed. I grabbed a chair and sat down, nobody really cared but if i had not found a chair i don't think i could have lasted without making a scene or passing out. + +I guess this is about intrusive thoughts spiraling out of control. + +I didn't get a good nights sleep last night maybe that could have happened.",Anxiety +34583,"24 yer old male w/high cholesterol? Hey, I'm a healthy 24 year old male who has recently lost about 20kg. I'm 180cm tall and weight 75kg. Recently I had a fasting lipid study done, and the results were (mmol/L): + +Total cholesterol: 4.4 +HDL: 1.1 +LDL: 3.0 +Non-HDL: 3.3 +Triglyceride: 0.7 +LDL/HDL Ratio: 2.7 +Cholesterol/HDL Ratio: 4.0 + +The doctor seemed quite surprised at these results for someone of my age but for the last year I've followed a very healthy plant based high fibre diet. Are these figures worrying? Does anyone have any thoughts? + +Cheers :)",Anxiety +35081,"I'm genuinely unhinged I currently, and have done for the past week, have pinching, cold tingling sensations all over my body. It starts off as a tingle and distils into a pinchy, itchy feeling. I have no rash, it's all over my body - fingertips, neck, hairline, ankles, elbows. I'm going mad. I want out of my skin and mainly out of my head. I cannot believe that my mind would cause such symptoms - if it is that and not something massively creepy and neurological. I'm obsessed with my health, keep imagining a great big tumour pulsating away in my head. The symptoms become worse the more I concentrate on them and I can create pretty much any feeling, depending on what I decide to latch on to and worry about. The last fear was unequal pupils and that's triggered a worry something neurologically wrong. I went to the eye hospital and they scanned my eyes, looking for abnormal discs, pressure etc - nothing was wrong. I also had another perfect blood test. I cancelled a CT scan of my head, because I panicked about the radiation. I feel mad",Anxiety +639,"Don't worry, karma is there, hauuuhzzzz",Anxiety +375,I don't like feeling like this!! Kind of restless,Anxiety +35491,"Share your anxiety symptoms All of us sufferers have surely gone through some physical symptoms of anxiety before, I surely have, Ive dealt with the twitching the trouble swallowing the anxiety headaches and all kinds of other stuff but I’m a perfectly physically healthy person as reassured by multiple tests and doctors, just a major hypochondriac. what are some of the symptoms you have dealt with throughout the years and what are the ones you hate the most? ",Anxiety +34682,"Is face burning sensations something that can be attributed to anxiety? My life has been a big mess since August. A dizziness episode triggered my health anxiety. I suspected MS - did an MRI, an SSEP - they found nothing. Then, I moved onto ALS. Nothing again. Several neurologists said I had nothing but anxiety, and still I kept thinking the opposite. + +In January I woke up with my right side tingling/pins and needles, followed by a toothache. Of course, I googled these symptoms and found Trigeminal Neuralgia - a condition that checks all the boxes of a hypochondriac nightmare. + +I had a cavity, did a root canal, the toothache disappeared. But the tingling is still here and around my eye I have been dealing with burning sensations - eyelid, eyelashes, inside the eye. It's not unbearable and maddening like those who have trigeminal neuralgia say it is, but it's really uncomfortable. + +I've seen two major neurosurgeons about this, they said I didn't have trigeminal neuralgia. I don't know, I can't find peace, I'm always startled, nervous and expecting to be hit by a major wave of unbearable pain. + +I really don't know anything anymore. Don't know if is my HA causing this, or if in fact I have this condition but doctors are simply being dismissive. One thing that makes me believe that my anxiety is the root is that the burning gets tuned down/disappears when I'm distracted. But it hits me again when I'm alone at home working, for instance. + +Oh well, long post already. Anyone with similar experiences? Thank you",Anxiety +35300,"Does anyone else have a consistent fear of being allergic to nuts even after repeatedly consuming them? I’m sitting at work eating a bag of nuts alone and thinking about how when I go into anaphylactic shock for my undiagnosed nut allergy no one will be able to take me to the emergency room. I KNOW I’m not allergic to nuts, I eat foods with nuts regularly, but does anyone else have this insanely annoying fear???",Anxiety +52359,"self esteem is going dowwwn i ran out of meds on sunday, and havent been taking them since. the withdrawal symptoms im facing is so debilitating. I'm getting brain zaps, nausea, dizziness, and of course anxiety. i havent been to school since Tuesday. my immune system is also crap, so i fall sick easily, and for the past few weeks i havent been showing up to school on Thursdays for some reason because my body just chooses to fall sick on Thursday???? so I've been missing literature lessons that only take place on Thursday. My relationship with my literature teacher is good, but i dont want her to start thinking that im doing this on purpose. im also missing chemistry lessons and im not the best at chemistry, so i feel like im just gonna get worse at it. + +I'm taking my O-levels this year which is a national exam and i hate how this is happening. I need to focus on my studies but im finding it so hard to do that. I've reached out to my form teacher for help and she's been very kind and understanding, but i still feel so incapable. I just want to be normal.",Anxiety +35751,"Can brain tumors cause ear problems? (M 22) + +My problems began last July. I went on a swimming pool and got an earful of water (the left one). Ever since, I've had the following symptoms: + +Pain in the ear + +Pain in the left side of my head, around the left ear, kind of above too. + +Pain in the lower left side of my head, in a sort of bone or place behind/below the left ear + +Feeling of pressure on left side of head and left ear + +Feeling of something liquid in the left ear + +Sometimes a bit of tinnitus on left ear + +More recently, minor twitching sensation below and sometimes above left eye + +I've tried those drops for swimmer's ear and had my ears cleaned by a specialist. I had a persistent ear infection (left ear, of course) for most of December. Went to an ear doctor in January and he said there was nothing he could find. Still, my symptoms persist. I'm now terrified that it could be a brain tumor. What could be the cause?",Anxiety +52815,"Anyone felt like this? So first off, I apologize for the millionth post about “has anyone felt like this”. Been struggling to post anything for that reason. I’ve been having really bad anxiety these past 2-3 months. My dad passed away in December and I had to put my dog down a week ago so I definitely think this has affected my greatly. I’ve never felt this “bad” for this long. Been waking up most days shakey and nervous. Most days I’m worrying about my health and can’t seem to shake off intrusive thoughts. I went to the Doctor on Thursday and was told my blood pressure was high, which made me more anxious. Was precribed some for blood pressure and sertraline for the anxiety. Today I’ve been feeling dizzy, it comes and goes and just loosing interest in normal things. Just a general feeling of feeling off or not all here. Also can’t seem to swallow very well. + +I’m starting to exercise more and eating healthier. I’m hoping to see if anyone has any words of encouragement or has had a similar experience as mine. Also, anyone taking sertraline has any side effects? Anything would help rn. Thank you! + +Edit: Side note last night I took a chocolate piece which had cbd and a strand of THC to help me sleep. It made me feel slow and like I wasn’t fully there and gave me really bad dry mouth feeling. Idk if maybe I’m still feeling those symptoms, because still feel out of it and my throat feels like I have something stuck there.",Anxiety +52358,"Know I'm going to get dementia I'm 24 and recently suffered my 10th concussion. You read that right. I never played contact sports or anything, I'm just unbalanced and unlucky. I've slipped in the shower, gotten bumped in the back of the head by a friend, had the back of my chair hit, and recently hit a bad speed bump that jolted my body upward. My whole head hurts all day and I just think about the damage that I've done and how it's going to affect me going forward. I feel like the entire surface of my brain is injured and dementia, my greatest fear, is unavoidable. I get concussions so easily now that I'm scared to do anything. I don't know how I'm going to get through this",Anxiety +33921,"2018, already panicking... So, last year, I had multiple blood tests an X-ray and an ultrasound due to abdominal pain. I was also getting pains in my legs, and weird hot sensations too. + +Doc said bloods were fine, no lymphoma or leukaemia, or diabetes, and nothing else to worry about. + +Here I am 2 months later and I’m getting pain in my left arm too. In the muscles specifically. No idea of the cause. Worried as fuck. Also keep waking up itching (since I had oral thrush and took some meds, left me itching on and off) and had a rash this morning on my arms. + +Anyone have any ideas. All I can think is strain of some kind or low vitamin d but I’d expect that to show up in a blood test. Totally stressed about it all. ",Anxiety +35389,"allergies that won't go away I think I'm allergic to my apartment bc I have allergy and asthma symptoms that start the moment I enter the apt and end after I spend some time out of it. Financially I can't really move until May. I take 3 different kinds of antihistamines daily, a combo inhaler, clean constantly bc of the dust, and run two air purifiers and a dehumidifier. I'm still not better. There's a vent in our bathroom maybe going to the ceiling of the upper unit bathroom and eventually out into the roof but that's it for ventilation. I think the people above have a cat and I'm allergic to cats but I'm not sure if the allergens can travel like that? Either way it's like I have legit ocd now about dust mold and cats. I'm constantly cleaning everything in an attempt to feel better and I keep getting worse. Drs give me more pills that do nothing. I think I am slowly losing it. Should I just start living in a hotel until I can figure it out? Move back home? I don't really have money so I'd have to probably move back in with my parents. All bc my partner had to live a pet friendly dusty old building (which I clean ALL the time and still sick). What are my options as tenant and what can I do to get better other than leave? Thanks ",Anxiety +52601,"Meme Many people believe that since I overcame my chronic anxiety, I am levitating through the halls with a halo of light aimed at the crown of my head, with 8 angels flying behind me singing choruses while I remain in a state of spiritual perfection at every moment.",Anxiety +34606,"Sick of taking anxiety medication ast year I was paralyzed on my left side due to a lesion on my brainstem. I recovered thankfully and learned to walk, talk and eat again. I have documented the last 15 months since being discharged. I have tried different medications (a lot) for my residual symptoms. Equilibrium and gait issues, depression and anxiety, cognitive issues and most importantly my severe neuropathy. If I didn’t take my medicine I was so itchy and uncomfortable I would be clawing at my feet and legs and actually leaving pretty big cuts. I was losing my train of thought and having trouble finding certain words. I have been in the medical neurology field since I was 19, I’m 34 now. I know about medical issues and treatments and all of them have such a negative impact on daily life. I had to make a change. I started taking CBD oil and weaned myself off all my meds. I feel great. My thinking has improved. My speaking skills are on point now. I am no longer losing bits and pieces of a conversation. I wish I did this sooner. Like I said I recovered, but I was left with a lot of symptoms, things that my grandparents are complaining of and even though I’m only 34 this is my life now. I can’t go on the rest of my life taking pills everyday. So now I take CBD oil in the morning and at night. I started out slowly and gradually increased it. I decided to start selling it to get a discount on my monthly oils. Im not a sales person but if I can benefit from this, I am sure other people in the same boat as me could too. I was desperate and willing to try anything and now knowing I can take something that is all natural and not made by a pharmaceutical company and it’s legal makes me feel so good. I don’t mind talking to you personally or just go to the website. http://www.hempworx.com/DfrizadoI I wish you luck on finding your cure to be pain free, now that I’ve tried this I am not going back to pharmaceuticals. ",Anxiety +642,"restless and restless, want to be angry",Anxiety +34560,"Not sure what is real and what’s not anymore Hey guys, + +I am a 29 year old female with two kids ages 6 and 11, I have had this illness since I was around 6. It would be to the point I would make myself hyperventilate and my heart would go nuts and go to the emergency room, I would vomit all the time and be in serious pain. I had all sorts of tests and they were all negative. It died down a lot from ages 13-24 but since then it’s been getting worse. It didn’t help that for 3 weeks in 2016 I thought my symptoms of a bad headache, neck pain and double vision was just my anxiety but it turned out to actually be meningitis!!! I was in the hospital for 7 days. + +Now, every headache I freak out. Every rash I freak out. Stomach ache, palpitation, everything. I’ll be at the store sitting in front of the bp machine for 10 minutes. I carry around a thermometer if I feel hot I check my temperature. I google non stop. I look in the mirror and smile to make sure I’m not having a stroke. It’s embarrassing and terrible! + +Lately I have been losing my memory and getting panic attacks when the light changes from high to low. I have a red rash on my face I can’t get rid of. And I KNOW these aren’t made up. A least not my memory or rash. I go to an mri Wednesday to see if something actually is wrong. Please wish me luck as I’m already nervous enough!",Anxiety +189,"–¤ When you're anxious or nervous, do you feel like your heart feels weird, doesn't it? Is it just me?",Anxiety +34691,"My mind is tricking me into feeling like I need to urinate A couple of years ago, I went on a vacation with my family. I had bladder issues at the time, so I spent 1/2 the trip worrying that I would constantly feel like I need to go to the toilet and that it would ruin the trip for me. Ever since then, every time I go to see a movie I'm anticipating (I love and am very passionate about movies) I will fear that my mind will trick me into feeling like I need to go to the toilet, and this fear will cause my mind to trick me into feeling like I need to go, and it will ruin the experience for me. + +I'm currently scared this will happen to me with the new Avengers, and I'm already constantly thinking about and feeling like I need to go to the toilet. I've seen several doctors, and we've all concluded that it is a mental thing, but I don't know how to solve it. I'm constantly thinkin about the toilet and feeling like I need to go. Does anyone have any advice on how I can fix this? Thanks.",Anxiety +52734,"Lamictal for anxiety / panic with out bipolar Hello +Long story short. I have suffer from panic disorder for Years. A little generalized anxiety and depression as well. I’ve been on every ssri / snri there is! Some worked enough to keep the attacks at bay but at the exchange for night sweats, low libido , tired. My doc has now suggested I try this med instead of an antidepressant bc I am not getting the best results on them. But of course I googled it and it says for bipolar so it scares me. Has anyone taken/ been prescribed this with out having bipolar and how did it work ? Thanks for any insights !!!",Anxiety +51887,"The anxiety seasons have started It’s gotten hot where I live meaning it’s officially Spring meaning it’s officially anxiety season, wooo! + +It is currently 4:30 AM, it’s too hot for me to sleep, and the heat is giving me anxiety. The air conditioning is *SUPPOSED* to be on, but it’s been broken in this room for like a year and my mom refuses to admit it’s broken, saying that it’s just cause the room is over the garage. Which I KNOW isn’t true because I’d still be able to at least HEAR or FEEL the air conditioning running but it DOESNT. + +It’s kinda funny (not really, but if I don’t laugh I WILL have a mental breakdown) that Spring and Summer are the worst for my anxiety when almost everyone else (*cough* neurotypicals *cough*) tend to LOVE those seasons. Ass that to the list of im just weird I guess lol",Anxiety +52432,"I need help with quitting job This week, I started a construction job I wasn't 100% sure about. +My coworkers and supervisors are nice people but the job isn't what I expected. + +Some tasks were understated when I applied for the job and in the interview but the tasks actually require a significant amount of my daily effort. + +Also I'm underpaid relative to what I was paid in my previous job as well as no paid break. However, the job is 30 minutes from my house so cheaper public transportation. + +So because they're nice to me, patient, and welcoming I feel very uncomfortable telling them I'll quit even though the job contract says neither party has to give notice. + + +Also, I've always been an agency worker and the idea of having to give 2-3 weeks notice provides endless anxiety. In an agency job I could just phone or text and say I won't return the next day. + +I have no experience telling my supervisor I'm leaving a job",Anxiety +34298,"Random Small Scratch On My Hand ... Rabies? Hi, + +I was out walking today, around 12:00 noon, and when I passed a tree I heard a flapping of wings, but I didn't see if it was a bird. + +For some reason, I felt the need to check my hand, due to the slightest feeling I may or may not have made up in my head, and I regret ever deciding to so. I found a small scratch, with two little hole-like cuts about a centimeter apart with little scab linings connecting the holes. I'm deathly afraid that I got bitten by a bat and didn't really feel it. I'll include a picture of the cut as well. Does anyone have any information on bats and bat bites? I know that some are so tiny that they're hard to notice. + +https://ibb.co/czJvGS",Anxiety +11,"I'm confused, I'm not feeling good lately. Every time I want to sleep, I always feel restless",Anxiety +353,"you can worry, you can worry. no one forbids.",Anxiety +350,2 weeks until the exam and already starting to get restless and have a lot of thoughts,Anxiety +52418,"Anyone know how I can get over this? Ever since I was in 3rd grade I was never able to do presentations due to me just standing there in fear, I still can't even talk doing presentations or reading out loud in front of people.One time I even started crying in the bathroom just because someone asked me my name and i panicked.",Anxiety +35708,"Any of you severely nearsighted with anxiety over future eye problems? I am severely myopic which I know is a risk factor for retinal detachment. My mom had a retinal detachment which is when a huge fear kicked in. My number one fear is going blind. I wish I never found out about the risks...I just always went about my life knowing I had bad eyes but it’s all I ever knew and never had concerns. I can’t seem to turn the fear off now- seriously making myself ill. Was wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this, or is currently! ",Anxiety +200,"Have you ever thought of something and then immediately forgot it then thought you were thinking about this bastard, I don't remember it, so I was restless",Anxiety +35229,Whenever I’m stressed the area by my anus hurts I’m afraid to go to the doctor. It only happens when I’m super stressed.,Anxiety +52443,,Anxiety +34804,"Can blood pressure dramatically spike do to anxiety? My blood pressure is always really high at my house, mildly high at the doctors. But I have been admitted to the hospital twice the last month for anxiety related things and my blood pressure is always fine after I’m there for about an hour on there monitors. ",Anxiety +128,"I want to ask, have you ever been worried about the things you like? Even because you really like it, you feel like it's a part of your life. But every time you do or remember it you get worried. What do you think you should do? :(",Anxiety +51903,"Paranoia It has been a stressful time for me (just moved countries). I have always seen things out of the corner of my eye but didn’t think anything of this. The last few weeks has gotten more noticeable. Last night I kept seeing shadows to the point I could not move of the couch until I forced myself too. All day it’s been happening, thinking I see things like figures and having images that are horror related come into my head. Every noise I hear I’m instantly scared. + +Has anyone had instances like this? It’s getting to the point of when my dogs bark I start to cry because I’m so scared.",Anxiety +447,"I feel so restless, why?",Anxiety +52680,"“hearing” random noises on my mind when falling asleep, i take clonazepam, it is anxiety? im hypocondriac and i dont want it to be schizo like when im falling asleep i “trought” noises like when u get stuck a music in your head, but in my case are random noises, why is that happening?",Anxiety +35749,"Recovery People of ha who have recovered,how did u do it?",Anxiety +35297,"How to resist the tentation to search for symptoms on the internet? My counselor told me that all this searching on the internet to reassure myself it's only feeding my anxiety. She actually described this circle with a metaphor of a drug addict's addiction. So I'm trying to resist my impulses to look up for symptoms and I find it so hard, I spend 8+ hours in front of a computer for work and it's just so tempting to open a Google search which will lead me to WebMD to autodiagnose myself with MS, RA or some other nasty stuff. Any advice?",Anxiety +90,"Is there anyone who, when sick, can't sleep well, but sleeps restlessly?",Anxiety +34057,"Fear of medicaments Hey everyone, + +I have a little urinary infection and the doctor prescribed me 2 different medicaments : urispas 200 mg 3x a day every 8 hours, and ciproxina 500 mg 2x a day every 12 hours. +But now I'm wondering if that's not a little too much for a urinary infection and I fear that it can have negative effects. It's maybe stupid but I'm now thinking that maybe I missed something and didn't understand that it wasn't to take at the same time the same week, but one one week and the other the other week. Which wouldn't make any sense imo but I'm still wondering nonetheless. + +What do you guys think ? (and btw, english isn't my first language but I hope you understood everything)",Anxiety +35689,"How to get doctor to order imaging of chest and abdomen (and head as a bonus)? I visited a new PCP a few weeks ago -- it was my first doctor's visit in a few years and first since moving to a new city. They don't have any of my old medical records. I told him that I have a family history of a few different types of cancer (lung, pancreatic, brain). I mentioned having a persistent cough, but all he recommended was prilosec in case the cough is GERD. I'd really like to get some imaging done of my lungs and abdomen (I've had very minor pain in my left side around my ribs for YEARS) to rule anything out. Is there something else I can tell him so that I can get an MRI or CT scan?",Anxiety +51930,"Try to massage the back of your head with your palm, and then concentrate on feeling it and imagine that you are thinking your thoughts and feeling feelings there. This technique helped me to develop awareness of my thoughts and feelings as observer. Also it helped me to heal my anxiety and neurosis. I call this “Back of head method”. I hope you try it and it works. + +If your attempt was successful and you started feeling calmness and ease, i recommend you to regularly practice this method for months to get good results. You won’t even recognize your reaction to impulses after long practice.",Anxiety +35039,"Need some Help, Was doing so good too. Hey guys! I was doing so good, it had been weeks that I had finally got over my HA for the most part. However, today, I went down the anxiety spiral again. I was itching my back and decided to look at my moles since they seemed to be itchy. Nothing too crazy just a few itches. I've read about melanoma before and kind of disregarded it because although I have a good 60+ moles none of them showed signs of melanoma. Recently I have been getting some new moles, which isn't that crazy in itself but there seemed to be a lot more popping up. So anyway I unfortunately got on the Google and did some research on different types of melanoma and what to look for than preceded to check myself. I noticed two somewhat suspect moles. One is slight red/brown and the other one appears to be a kinda line. I read that linear melanoma are of the types and it looks a little similar. I'm freaking out because I don't have health insurance, and don't think I can pay for a dermatologist out of pocket since I'm somewhat young and on a fixed income. Any advice on how I can handle this or anything I can do to ease my anxieties?",Anxiety +34234,"Fear of getting schizophrenia or any mental illness So my psychologist told me I have gad with obsessive thoughts that are health related. I’m very scared of getting schizophrenia , yesterday I had a very vivid dream of two people at my school dying. And it felt so real, in the dream I passed by a house in a car and two bodies were there and I was crying hard in the dream. I woke up all scared . And I heard a symptom of getting schizophrenia is believing your dreams or something . I haven’t looked up my symptoms in 2 months and I never will . I know all of this is irrational but I’m scared . My psychologist told me that it’s just anxiety and that I don’t have schizophrenia and that I’m not developing it. He said he’s seen many patients with that illness and I’m not like them. Sometimes I have paranoid thoughts when I’m in my mind but I know they’re irrational.",Anxiety +34646,"How To Destroy Fear Before It Destroys You > Fear is the number one inhibitor of taking successful actions; and it is the number one instigator for taking destructive actions. + +I was just listening to [a podcast](http://www.borntoprosper.com/how-to-destroy-fear/?ap_id=amandahayward) by Shane Krider and wanted to share here because I think it's relevant to the sub and listening to the podcasts has helped me start taking control of my thoughts and given me more confidence overall. I'm doing all the basics for my anxiety - eating well, exercising, meditation, medication - but this seems to be the icing on the cake for me! Really enjoying it. + +Also, I just learned about the help button when posting on reddit and I'm loving all the different text formatting I can do! :P",Anxiety +52118,Feeling unloved and depressed Feeling like a brainless idiot who’s going nowhere in life,Anxiety +34577,"Can’t get over this fear... Health anxiety is the worst. I don’t know how to get over it. Every time I’m over one health fear, a new one shows up. Currently I’m terrified I have a pulmonary embolism that my drs are missing. I’ve been short of breath for a month now. I went to the ER and they did a CT with contrast and an X-Ray and said there was no PE, especially since my blood ox was 100 and my BP was perfect. I accepted this for a little bit but now I fear they just missed it. My GP said it’s my asthma and allergies but since my inhalers aren’t working I’m back to thinking a PE. I got dizzy recently so I called 911. They said blood ox was good and EKG was good and agreed it was my asthma/anxiety. The EMT said they can miss PE’s on CT’s though so I’ve been spiraling since last Thursday. I’m so scared this thing is missed and I’m just going to drop dead. I can’t talk to my husband about it because the subject just enrages him at this point. I’m sitting here debating on going to the ER again for another CT but I also know that’s crazy. Anyone else struggle with this fear?",Anxiety +62,1 hour wake up 1 hour wake up ngde the restless is here kle cak after polishing dwg,Anxiety +35657,"i can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not and it’s trying me crazy New around here but I’m so glad this sub exists since I know I tend to be very aware of my health. Sorry about the length. TL;DR at the end. + +Four years ago I started to develop occasional constipation. It was nothing a little dried fruit couldn’t solve and it only happened every so often. So far, so good. + +Then it all started going downhill after I had a kidney stone when I was 17. Ever since then, I’ve been struggling with constipation daily. Since diet change wasn’t helping I went to my mom’s GI doc and had my first colonoscopy at 17. Fun. The test came back clear and the GI sent me home with directions to take Miralax daily. Fast forward a year, no change. Miralax helps but it was like going from hard stool constipation to soft stool constipation. Went back to GI where I was diagnosed with IBS-C with no further testing and given a prescription of Linzess. + +Two years go by, still no change. Linzess works but not as well as it used to. Not only that, but I was now dealing with worse symptoms and felt as if my guts just weren’t moving. I was still have a bowel movements almost daily, but it was never without a laxative of some sort. I tried the low-FODMAP without much change either. I did eliminate dairy and gluten from my diet (cleared a ton of my acne once I did that). + +I decide to get a second opinion. Saw a different GI. He suggests a blood test and does an endoscopy. Ended up getting diagnosed with GERD and chronic gastritis. Also, he found food still in my stomach despite not eating anything 13 hours beforehand. GI sends me to get a gastric emptying study done. That test ended up turning out normal too. Blood test was also normal besides for a low % of lymphocytes and a low number for bun/creatine. Neither of those were that much lower than the “normal range”. All and all, I was given a clean bill of health. + +But if these tests are coming back normal (besides the GERD and chronic gastritis) then why am I still having symptoms? Why is it getting worse over the years? It was just constipation at first which I’m sure is just affects your colon. So why am I having upper GI issues now? I constantly deal with regurgitation, constipation, nausea, cramping, slow moving bowels, gas, bloating, low grade fevers, etc. I can’t even do exercise without throwing up. I used to swim varsity in high school and now I can’t swim an entire 50 yards without running out of the pool. Doesn’t matter when I eat or what time of day it is. + +At first, dried fruit did the trick but when things get real bad not even an enema or magnesium citrate work. But on other days they do. Why it is that when I try to talk to a doctor about it they don’t listen? Is it because I’m only 20? Even my parents are sick of me constantly feeling ill, especially on vacations. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD but wasn’t given any medications until last year so I know it didn’t start because of medication. + +What if it really is all in my head? What if I’m just doing this to myself by stressing over it? I’m transferring from community college to university this fall. What if I can’t do it and have to go home? Who’s gonna believe me if these tests just come back normal? But I just know something is wrong. Why else would I still have these issues if everything was okay? + +I’m going to a gastroenterology motility clinic at Stanford at the end of April to get one last opinion. I just feel like I’m wasting so much money. I’m probably the only person that wants a diagnoses at this point. I just want answers. But at the same time, what if the results were right and there is nothing wrong? I dunno. I just have so much anxiety now around food and eating/shitting in general. It wasn’t like this last year, until things slowly started to get worse. + +TL;DR: Been having bowel/stomach issues for years. GI doctors slap on IBS diagnoses, but I’m worried it’s something worse due to worsening symptoms over the years. But also worried that there really is nothing wrong and that the stress/anxiety was it all along. Stressed about wasting money on pointless tests that’ll all come back normal even though every day is a struggle. ",Anxiety +52353,Paroxetine makes me so tired and sleepy I could easily fall asleep anytime. Will this fatigue go away? I’m taking paroxetine for almost 2 weeks already.,Anxiety +52321,"Anxiety with OCD My first time posting here, and I just needed some place to vent. I've been on sertraline since I was 11 (28 now.) My anxiety ties into my OCD ( I tend to wash my hands a lot, double or triple check if something is where it needs to be. I also have health concerns for example; + +I bought a posture strap/ helper. I was adjusting it and peeling the velcro back. Something splinter like jammed into my finger. I'm assuming it's part of the velcro as it's really strong. My anxiety and OCD has been going wild since then. (Heck, I even put anti-bacterial ointment and a bandaid on it after washing it! I'm returning the product and emailed costumer service.) + +This condition can be so tiring. I joke with people that I feel like a hostage negotiator, while also being the hostage taker and hostage. (OR the Spiderman meme.) I just needed to vent and put things into words on how my mind is doing.",Anxiety +34693,"pregnancy scare [help] Okay so I was having sex with my girlfriend, I came and pulled out about 5 seconds later and my condom was half way up my penis. I came in it but I am still worried about getting my gf preggers because of all juices on the unprotected part that came out the side. (She’s on the pill also) am I good?! + +(I now realize the condom was a tad small for me.)",Anxiety +34878,"""Becoming an expert in drowning won't make you an expert in swimming."" From this day on I vow to myself to: +1. Stop googling symptoms +2. Stop checking symptoms +3. Stop going to the doctor for every abnormality I think I find - wait 2 weeks +4. Stop going to the ER - if it's not really urgent +5. Stop searching for affirmations +______________________________________________ +I am posting this so I can get back to this every time I feel like slipping, so I remind myself of the promises I made and I intend to keep! +Let's take back control of our lives! Who's with me?! ",Anxiety +115,"how do you keep it calm, original tbtb is excited and then you're sweaty or nervous """,Anxiety +52710,"chest pains Curious if anyone has same symptoms as me, i’ve gone to several doctors for chest pain mainly in my sternum, brain fog, fatigue, tingle in my hands, sometimes bit of confusion, & breathlessness. i’ve gotten blood work done and ekg’s because I believe it maybe a cardiovascular issue but all came clear.. doctors believe it may be anxiety. I don’t believe I am an anxious person and I am capable of coping with stresses which is why i’m pretty reluctant on that. I have had a very intense last two years but I never believed it would effect me with these type of symptoms. Curious to know if these are symptoms of anxiety? I am currently on hyrdoxyzin and 24 years old.",Anxiety +35230,"Upper Neck/ Spine Pain Anxiety So I've been diagnosed with GAD and I'm a senior in college so I've had unbelievably high stress and anxiety levels lately because of my impending graduation and uncertain future. Within the past few weeks I've developed this disturbing new symptom where whenever I start to feel anxious or stressed I get this weird pressure feeling in my neck, almost as if it is in my spine and someone is squeezing it. From there, my panic takes over and my heart begins to race, my stomach hurts and I feel nauseous, I get a tension headache, and I feel all wound up and ready to flee. My upper neck and shoulder muscles have been incredibly tight lately, so rationally I'm sure this spinal feeling is just a result of muscle tension and anxiety, as well as the crappy dorm mattress and my poor posture. However, I've convinced myself I have a brain tumor or am going to develop epilepsy or something. Dr. Google certainly didn't help because I Googled symptoms of a brain tumor and guess what, I have most of them! I just don't know what to do to calm myself down, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. ",Anxiety +52316,"this feeling of doom/dread comes over me at random times does anybody else experience this??? like i feel my life is going ok rn and then I get hit with dread, then I look for answers as to why and I end up thinking zombies climate world ending stuff and not sure how to cope with it. these dread feelings happen a lot at night too but when the dread feeling hits my mind wonders to all the bad and I was wondering if anybody else gets this as I have been struggling and I want to know im not alone.",Anxiety +35194,"Canker sore in back of my throat = Crohn's disease 19 y/o male, I had my first canker sore last summer near my tonsils and now I have another one. I have always had problems with my stomach, docs gastroscopied me in 2016 because I had nausea and heartburn almost 24/7. Biopsies and everything came back normal, never gotten colonoscopied though. In my mind these canker sores are a symptom of crohns disease and it must mean I have it. I just can't figure out any other explanation than that thanks to hypochondria. My stomach problems were pretty bad years ago and I thought I had colon cancer or something like that. Nowadays I feel a lot better but the thing is that if something comes up that might be a symptom of IBD/Crohns/Colon cancer I almost instantly think I have it.",Anxiety +35826,"Dizzy spells I have randomly been getting dizzy spells while sitting down looking at a phone or computer. It last for about 5 seconds and subsides. I am not sure if it is blood pressure related, or something else, but I am trying to find the root cause. + +I take 10MG of lexapro daily and definitely have anxiety and health anxiety. I’ve been to the doctors and have checked out okay. Has anyone experienced anything like this, and if so, how are you handling it?",Anxiety +35141,Eye floaters... Anyone else deal with these? Can this be a symptom of anxiety? ,Anxiety +52536,Antibiotics anxiety I have a pretty nasty sinus infection causing fluid in my ear and it’s causing vertigo. I have pretty bad anxiety/ panic attacks and ocd. They prescribed me amoxicillin and I’m terrified to take it because of the potential psychological effects. Can anyone that have had them weigh in and tell me they’re not that bad? I don’t know. I want to feel better but i can’t handle more anxiety than what I already deal with (unmedicated.) Just hoping for some guidance here,Anxiety +35193,"High blood pressure spike Does anyone else have high blood pressure? I can never tell if my high blood pressure causes my anxiety attacks or the other way around. I guess it’s not possible to know. + +I just ate fast food for the first time in a while, which seemingly cause my blood pressure to spike. My heart rate was up as if I was on a brisk walk for an hour, despite just sitting and doing deep breathing exercises. It was probably just all of the excess sodium but I just couldn’t calm myself back down for anything. + +I know that digestion in general will cause a higher heart rate but when my head starts to feel hot and tight like a balloon I just have a hard time shaking the idea that something bad is about to happen. + +Doing fine now, just thought I’d share in case anyone has a similar thing. “This too shall pass” + + +",Anxiety +35704,"Recurring chest pain with no other symptoms I’ve had a lot of intense stress the past year and also suffer from an anxiety disorder, so it seems to be affecting my body a lot. I went to the ER back in February because my chest hurt and I had a lot of coughing, and they did a chest x-ray and CT scan and monitored my heart rate, and everything came back clean for heart issues with reassurance from the radiologist that I’m very low risk for heart issues. I was diagnosed with pleurisy which was verified by my regular doctor, and got better after a couple weeks. The chest pain has seemed to linger though and my stress has not improved. I have no other symptoms with this chest pain other than anxiety that it’s something bad. I’m afraid to waste more money going to the hospital again since they ran tests that came back clean. Could this be something I need to have checked out again? ",Anxiety +35635,"Worried about a wrong dix of fibromyalgia Im a 26 year old male, +So for the past 6 months ive had alot of body achsles,weakness and twitching muscles and other weird stuff, and they did a bunch of blood work, mri's and a emg test which i was told were all normal but alittle low in vitiam D(which i take a supplement for) however about a month ago my rheumatologist said"" it looks like its fibromyalgia"" and told me to take vitiams and mediate which i,ve been doing, i was feeling about the same but was ignoring my symptoms which helped, however for the past 2 weeks ive had a weird sensation in my thoart, tons of salvia, and shortness of breath, i went to urgent care and check lots of things and said it is probably a mild case of bronchitis. Im just worried because everything thats gone on and now im having trouble breathing that my fibromyalgia dx is actually somthing more serious like MS, AlS or some kind of cancer.... any insight would be very helpful",Anxiety +34381,"Different size pupils after an eye exam So I had this monday an eye exam and the doctor put 3 drops of atropine in my eyes. I have noticed in the first day that the pupils were coming back at normal at different sizes. Now it's saturday and my right pupil it's still a little bit bigger than the other one. I have read on the internet that the effect of atropine may last for two weeks. It is true? Did anyone encounter this? + +I am really, really panicking right now. The doctor did not find something wrong with my eyes and the different size pupils did not happen before this exam.",Anxiety +406,"When I re-read the soft file proposal, how come there are so many mistakes. But how do you want the file to be distributed, it's getting more and more anxious.",Anxiety +52905,Overthinking How can I control my thoughts instead of letting them overwhelm me ?,Anxiety +34614,"Logically, I know my nails are a healthy colour... But I can’t stop checking them. Every 45 seconds, I swear. Obviously my heart is malfunctioning and I’m about to die. Perhaps I’ll paint them, at least they’ll look nice at my funeral 😂😂😂 +Health anxiety is the worst. ",Anxiety +35808,Wrist pain I fell on my wrist two weeks ago and was in agonizing pain. As time went on it healed some but it still brings great pain when I pick something heavy up or move it quickly. I am starting to think there’s maybe a bone chip inside that’s making it hurt. Am I just overthinking it? (I haven’t been using it too much and avoiding usage at all costs.),Anxiety +34203,Convinced myself I have a peritonsillar abscess and will need surgery to remove tonsils because I won’t be able to get it drained. I have a sore throat. It’s only on one side. There a white line in my throat on that side and it feels swollen. I know I’m like 90% probably not this but it’s scaring the hell out of me. I hate being such a hypochondriac. ,Anxiety +52829,"Crippling new job anxiety Hi all, + +I’ve started a new job about 2 weeks ago, it’s a higher paying customer care job for an insurance company. I was in retail for 5 years and incredibly comfortable in my position. It’s a work from home role, I needed something different as retail was driving me up the wall, and I can put on a damn good customer service facade. + +Anyway, today I’ve been taking calls and all of a sudden, became overwhelmed with everything and burst into tears. I cried during a call, and could not stop crying until I logged out. I’ve spent the entire evening on the phone to my parents crying and crying to my partner. I’m dreading doing it again. I was ready to quit. + +How do you deal with this? I’m breathing, taking my meds, eating well and drinking well. My brain is causing problems out of nothing and I’ve been making myself sick over this job. Anyone dealt with this in their new job and how did you overcome it?",Anxiety +34992,"Back here again Damn colon cancer. + +I'm afraid again and it seems more palpable than ever. This started two years ago after getting some blood work done. I got in my head that I could have colon cancer. + +All my symptoms began after all results were good. I started having some light blood on my stool (a line here and there). Then my right lymph node grew, then shrunk, then grew and so on (it's still swollen but smaller). Then I started having diarrhea and watery dolls with a feeling of incomplete evacuation. Then I started noticing my skin is getting pale, more visible veins.(I sometimes see myself going from normal to pale to normal a couple of times in a day). I do the palmar crease pallor test almost constantly now. + +I noticed that my fingernails were either pale or blue - ish sometimes (started thinking of iron deficiency and that scares the cap out of me). + +Then I started feeling weaker, tired, after very little effort (should note that I put on 10 kg in this time). Arms started feeling weaker, got some armpit pain, chest pain, etc. + +Then my back started hurting. My lower left back. Sometimes my lower right too. Then it started hurting more and more often. Now it hurts along my left leg as well as left hip. I read a post a while ago that said the op was diagnosed after very similar symptoms, so naturally I started freaking out again. + +Now I'm seeing some similar stuff with my dad and it really drives me back to freaking out. + +I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the end of my rope. ",Anxiety +35785,"Recent onset of HA, Trying to nip it in the bud Hi all. +Back in November I had a rather large health scare. I had a real symptom that I was dealing with for 2 years, I thought it was just something simple so I kept putting it off. I never had HA before, and was so laid back I let this issue go on for 2 years. +Finally saw a doc about it and immediately was ordered a CT scan. I got afraid it was serious. Went in for the scan and had to wait 12 days to get the results back since it was over Thanksgiving. I was... not myself these days. Pretty much mortified as I was finally coming to terms with my mortality, wishing I went earlier, etc... + +Thankfully, to SO MUCH RELIEF, the scans came back clean. The issue I had was very real, however. Docs knocked it up to a really bad cold I had that did some damage on my body. Annoying, but manageable. Thankfully not the big C or a brain tumor. + +I am healthy. + +Since then, however, I've been shook. It's been some time now, but since I've had more HA than I ever had before. My family line is healthy, I'm relatively healthy, etc. + +However, I've been over analyzing myself and have thus far 'induced' two issues. The main one being over-noticing my eye floaters and oddities I had my whole life, that I literally never had before. Eye things seem to be the big thing right now with me, I don't know. I DON'T have visual snow, but am afraid if I think about it too much, I might get it. + +I have an eye exam scheduled soon. I was due for a standard one anyway, but I don't know why my mind is in 'something is wrong with your eye' mode when my eyes have been like this my whole life (And I have had many normal exams). + +I really want to nip this in the bud, before it gets too bad. + +I think it's still 'young' and I can overcome it and beat it before it consumes my life. I need to. + +I'm looking for self help methods right now. Guides, meditations, even books. Please do not suggest therapy at this time. It is something I may consider in the future, but I am not in the right place or mindset for it right now (Had a traumatic experience with it in the past. I need therapy for my therapy. Ha.) + +But any advice on self-help that I can do right now would be really appreciated. I've been listening to positive affirmations on youtube which has helped a lot. I think I can get over this, I just need direction. + +Thank you so much.",Anxiety +35755,"Dizziness, pressure in head, headaches, strange seizure-like episodes - brain tumor or sinus infection? Hey all. I'm making a doctor's appointment first thing in the moring but I'd like some advice on what I am experiencing in the meantime. + +For a couple months I have been getting these strange episodes that I can only describe as pseudo-seizures. One of the most notable symptoms is that I suddenly have this overwhelming sensation of physical buildup, like you get right before a good sneeze or before you start crying. However, that release doesn't come, so I get urges to make noise like moaning or screaming to force the feeling out. Another big symptom is a sudden inability or difficulty in swallowing. It's like I've forgotten how to move my tongue properly or like my mouth is too dry, and I can only partially swallow. I have to push food to the back of my throat so that it's already partially down and then struggle to get it the rest of the way. I stop eating when this happens because I don't want to risk choking. Other symptoms are a tightness in the back of my head, confusion, and sometimes waves of tingles or energy washing over my scalp. The waves are very brief, but will repeat over and over for up to 20 minutes. When they stop, the rest of the symptoms go away too. I havent gotten too many of these the past couple weeks but they were nearly constant a month ago. + +For the past couple weeks I have been having sporadic dizzy spells that feel like my body is floating or like my brain is swimming around in my head. Sometimes I get queasy during these spells. I noticed that they seemed to come or be worsened when looking at screens like my phone or computer, so I eventually figured it must be cybersickness. I am using my devices less and more carefully, and the dizzy spells got better for a few days. + +However, now I am having very uncomfortable pressure in my head that seems to move around. It is mainly in my temples and the back of my head, but sometimes I can feel it in my nose too. It ranges from being annoying to feeling like my head has been put in a gentle hydraulic press. I feel dizzy when the pressure worsens. + +Every so often, my right hand will feel slightly numb, and it feels like I've lost some fine motor control in it. However it's hard to tell if that is real or is just anxiety. It could also be carpal tunnel because I am an artist and it's in the hand I use to do most everything. It usually goes away in a few minutes to an hour. + +I have been dealing with issues with my eyeglass prescription for the past few months. My old prescription had run its course and had started giving me trouble so I went and got a new one a few weeks ago, but it's too strong so I'm getting them bumped down a bit now. + +Here are my ""crazy"" concerns - brain tumor, adult-onset hydrocephalus, brain cancer (cancer is of least concern because I recently had bloodwork and it came back perfect, so I shouldn't have that) + +My more realisic theories are - sinus issues like infection or irritation, anxiety, eye strain from not wearing my glasses and having an outdated/overpowered prescription. + +I was getting my prescription rewritten today and my eye doctor looked at my eyes to see if he could find any sign of a tumor, and he said everything looked good to him but I'm still worried. + +What are all your thoughts? Do you think those strange episodes are really seizures? Should I be worried I have a tumor?",Anxiety +52753,Electrolit Electrolyte Beverage good for anxiety? I got this drink called “Electrolit” because it seemed “healthy” and I’m wondering if it’s good for anxiety? I worry it might cause me to feel really anxious after drinking it. Has anyone drank it and felt better?,Anxiety +34558,"Brain tumor anxiety Hey reddit. I'll start by saying that I'm a huge 22 year old hypochondriac. It started in last December, when I pooped a lot of blood and I was convinced that I've got colon cancer, I couldn't function properly for a whole month before I got my colonoscopy which revealed a small benign polyp which was removed. + +Anyways, since yesterday all I've been reading about is brain tumors. The reason of that is, when I was in work yesterday (slept only 6 hours and didn't have breakfast, then worked from 8 am to 2 pm) I kind of tripped twice when I was standing and wanted to turn around. Like, I'm clumsy overall and I sometimes trip or bump onto things, but never so often. Also, when handing the change to the customer (I'm a student but I work part time as a cashier) I dropped a coin twice. Or when he asked me for certain cigarretes, I grabbed the blue instead of red ones etc. After the day of overall lack of concentration I started googling and I found that brain tumor may cause clumsiness, loss of concentration, balance etc. I had a CT scan done 4 years ago due to head trauma but it was clear. However, I've read that tumors can grow fast. Should I go to doctor or observe myself for couple days? I've never head headaches as well. ",Anxiety +52171,"Regretting a CBT challenge/ERP exposure. So I have emetophobia, OCD, an ED, health anxiety, basically everything. + +I did a CBT challenge tonight, to eat 'outside' chicken, aka chicken not from inside my home that I've gotten a trusted person to cook for me. + +I picked it the fuck apart. It looked absolutely fine. But I have convinced myself I have food poisoning from it, or some other illness. + +I also happen to be in the refeeding process which makes me feel like crap when I eat, have been having menstrual GI symptoms, I have chronic constipation that I took Fybogel for (which always gives me a super loud tummy and gas) - so both of those things could be a contribution or cause of my stomach discomfort. + +But wow I regret even challenging myself. I hate that I regret it, too. + +I'm so scared. Looks like a night of worry and no sleep for me. Feels like all progress has gone out the window. ",Anxiety +51882,Freaking out My fiancée and i got into a horrible fight this morning. I dont want to get into details but its to the point where she may just want me to leave. Im freaking out. Im an alcoholic but sober 3 years and the anxiety im now experiencing from this is same i had when i drank. Its messing with me but more so this is something i gotta work through. I just want to sleep. Im inconpacitated i feel like. Theres so much to do. But i want to just get past this and move on. We both just flipped out on each other but more so cause i started my day off bad. I don't start my day off bad it doesnt get to this point. Or at least suppress it until the day got better. Im just torn up inside. Feel like i messed everything up. I really did.,Anxiety +35275,"Can’t handle this feeling I found a small black dot under my big toe nail. Like a sharpie dot. I googled and it could be a very rare but serious form of skin cancer. If it grows out, it’s just a blood blister. If not, it could be skin cancer. I don’t recall stubbing my toe. I’m 28, Caucasian but not super fair haired/eyed/skin. +Ugh, I can’t wait to see if it grows out. But I also feel ridiculous going to the doctor for a black dot. +I wake up in the mornings with the sickening thought that I have skin cancer and it ruins my day. My stomach is gurgled and in knots and I’m convinced the cancer has spread. +The only reason I think I’ve got this intense health anxiety now is because my mom got diagnosed a few months ago with breast and she felt fine :/ the lump was found during a routine mammogram, it was so tiny still even she didn’t know it was there.",Anxiety +35093,Brain zaps/chills I started taking vitamin B12 a few weeks ago and I started getting brain zaps. I know they can be caused when coming off antidepressants but I’ve never been on them in my life. It feels like chills or like fuzziness in my head like static and I hate it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt them before and I can’t say B12 was the reason why but it all started a few days after taking B12 daily. It’s the worst feeling though and I wish it would go away. Even after stopping B12 they still happen now :( ,Anxiety +52341,"separation anxiety in the recent few years i've very well acknowledged that i am a pretty anxious person and i kinda got used to it. but something that still bothers me is my separation anxiety and the constant fear of being abandoned by my friends. i don't know how to go about it, especially now that i have a best friend to whom i can't talk all the time, whenever i want or need to. they seem to be more of the avoidant style. i find it very difficult to go through my day if whenever i think of them and talking to them, i have to stop myself and 'give them space.' i don't mean this in a selfish way, naturally i am a pretty understanding person. i try to control my 'urges' for contact, which i crave a lot, but it's been getting harder as the days go by. most of the time i don't even have something important to say, it's just my thoughts and things i mention throughout the day, but i feel blue when i remember that they do not 'prefer' texting everyday because that is something that i really like, want and need. i try my best to respect their boundaries and i am the one to 'adapt' to their needs for space. just recently i started wondering whether it is okay that i bring this up as a boundary and a need of mine. i feel like i've often been the one to change for them and it's been getting to me lately. i don't mean any harm to my bestie and we don't have any other 'unsolvable' problem except for this one. is it okay to text them? is it selfish? i get a lot of thoughts and i address them as anxiety but it doesn't get any easier even when i am fully aware of that. i just wish to put an end to this. it has been affecting my mood lately, i check the messages app hundreds of times only to see no texts from them. i get anxious waiting for a reply and even more anxious when i first think of something to say. it just pops into my mind and i happily open the app but as soon as i start typing i remember the situation and feel guilty about texting them. but then again, i feel very empty if i don't. how do i go about this?",Anxiety +52673,"Anxiety over appetite loss. I’ve been feeling very flat like depressed lately along my anxiety, like literally I can just cry and it’s hard for me to want to get out of bed. I’ve been taking lexapro for a while and I believe it stopped working. New psychiatrist added 30 mg of mirtazapine with that. I felt like it was helping at first but now I don’t feel it is. I’m meeting with him next week. I feel hungry but I have no appetite, I have to force myself to eat and that’s giving me more anxiety because I have no appetite. Like nothing sounds good, and when I start eating something nothing is sparking that “oh this tastes good I want more” and it’s giving me anxiety and scaring me. It also takes me forever to eat because of it, like I mean forever I feel like I’m just chewing and chewing when I’m usually a fast eater so that’s giving me anxiety. I’m finding that the thought of eating because of that is giving me anxiety and I’m scared that this isn’t normal.",Anxiety +34659,"HA strikes again... So... I’m not looking for reassurance or diagnosis or anything really I guess. But I just had to share with some people who might understand. + +I have a long history of health anxiety. Can’t get a cold without convincing myself I might be dieing. Frequent rabies scares. I’ve convinced myself something was seriously wrong a couple times a month for years. I’ve mostly talked myself out of seeing a doctor because I know it’s just anxiety and I don’t want doctors to think I’m crazy or wasting their time. + +A few days ago though... I found a lump under the skin above my right rib cage. So I did the logical thing and poked around for a lump on my left side... I thought maybe I felt a smaller similar lump and talked myself off the ledge. + +But now I can actually see a lump on my right side in the mirror. And when I prod around, it feels like there might be a cluster of small lumps (only one is visible though). + +So... of course I’m worried it might be cancer although Dr. Google tells me there’s all sorts of benign explanations. + +I’m currently talking myself into seeing a doctor for peace of mind. But I hate the doubt telling me this is anxiety and I’ll be wasting the doctor’s time. I’m terrified the doctor will label me with hypochondria. + +I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m just frustrated that I can be terrified of illness and doctors at the same time. + +Anxiety is torture that worms into everything and just makes me feel so confused.",Anxiety +35227,"Spine Anxiety Went in for a check up yesterday and a curvature in my spine was found, the doctor told me to get an X-Ray and I've been freaking out since and I can't sleep and skipped dinner because I'm too busy worrying and stressing. I think something might be seriously wrong and it's all downhill from here.",Anxiety +325,Confused since yesterday feeling restless but don't know what to worry about,Anxiety +34116,"Constantly “checking” for signs of brain problem Hey, guys. So this is a little difficult to explain, so hopefully I can describe it as cohesively as possible. So, a couple months ago I developed a little obsession with misreading things. I misread a couple of words and immediately began to think “there is something wrong with my brain”. Well now, it’s manifested itself in just about everything. In a bizarre way to prove I do/don’t have a problem, I’ve begun subconsciously “checking” every thing I read and hear to see if I made a mistake. For instance, I’ll skim a headline really fast online, then get frustrated when I misread it (even though I didn’t carefully read it). Because I’m now “checking” every single word I read and hear, I’m constantly misreading, mishearing and misunderstanding things, because I’m focusing on each individual word and not the sentence as a whole. It’s mentally exhausting and is effecting my reasoning skills and memory, which of course, is fueling my health anxiety as it further “proves” I have something wrong with me. + +Of course, occupying my mind with this causes me to make many, many mistakes which- you guessed it- fuels it more. + +Has anyone else struggled with health anxiety pertaining to a brain problem? This really sucks. ",Anxiety +35638,"Terrified that I have Lung Cancer Hi all. 29 y/o F. Never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I have fully convinced myself that I have lung cancer and it has consumed me fully. I spend the entire day googling symptoms. I have had a weird on and off cough since September. It doesn't keep me up at night, though. It is somewhat productive with clear mucus. My breathing also feels strange, like I have to do a little cough when I exhale sometimes. I've recently noticed pain in my mid-upper back near my spine. + +&#x200B; + +In December, I started having a bad pain below my shoulder blade. My PCP ordered a chest xray, which came back normal. I had a CBC in December which was normal, except for low B12, which I've been supplementing with B12 vitamins now. + +&#x200B; + +Do you think it's worth me asking my PCP for a low dose ct scan?",Anxiety +52988,Buspirone for GAD panic disorder Hi! How effective has buspirone been for those of you who suffer from panic disorder or generalized anxiety? I’m hoping to take it on its own starting next week.,Anxiety +35756,Alcohol and Anxiety my psychiatrist just prescribed me lexapro today but whenever i’m taking any medicine over the counter or prescription i never like to drink. i know that i’m definitely going to want o drink this weekend because it’s my birthday. i don’t want to have anxiety about it so does anyone have experiences ? or should i just wait to start the meds till sunday ??,Anxiety +52568,"Is anybody else tired all the time? Even if I get a good night’s sleep, the second I think about what I have to face in the day and work etc I just feel instantly exhausted",Anxiety +52241,"Today i was calm and collected Hi fellas, so I was using public transport for 4 hours today only when i arrived i was told that they made a mistake and i need to get there tomorrow. I went back another 4 hours home. I wasnt upset nor anxious and i just felt oddly calm, i dont even think they expected that, i feel like it could be the mediciation bringing me peace of mind :). +Either way it made me really happy",Anxiety +34270,"Skin condition Hi guys + +Lately i have been having a severe skin issue whereby the skin above my ankle sort of dried off and created this ulcer looking condition. + +I have went to the doctor to get it tested and was advised that it might be due to my severe ezcema and also diabetic condition. However the weird thing is that the left leg now has the same thing too and its spreading towards my knee area.",Anxiety +35821,"Sending love to the sub Someone I love dearly is going through a particularly brutal bout of HA right now and it’s so hard for me to sit back and watch him suffer while being powerless to help him. He can’t even come on this sub because there are too many triggers for him. Keep fighting the good fight my friends. You may feel alone out there at times, but know that there are people who care about you. Don’t give up!",Anxiety +35594,"Should I really see a gastroenterologist? *If this post in anyway violates the rules of this subreddit please let me know. If this post doesn't belong in this subreddit please kindly direct me to a subreddit that might be more suited for this situation. Thank you in advance.* + +&#x200B; + +Hello! I am a 20yr old male (soon to be 21) that has indeed been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I have dealt with these issues for around 6-8yrs of my life. Part of my anxiety issues is changes in eating habits. Things such as me not eating when get a full blown anxiety attack, feeling some stomach cramps when eating certain foods or eating them in certain locations, and sometimes feeling discomfort when I have a BM but not all the time. + +I am writing this because this week has been super stressful causing me to have a few anxiety breakdowns (one major one yesterday). Today is the aftermath and my mind is really letting me have it. As of now I'm hungry which makes me anxious which makes me not eat which makes me feel sick which makes me more anxious. It's perpetual :T + +I don't want to keep going through this. I have been to many doctors, have not been given meds and have underwent many tests. I also did go see a therapist for a while but stopped going when my anxiety issues went away. + +**my point is** + +Should I go back to my psychiatrist, reopen my case and perhaps get medication? + +Or perhaps this is seems more like a digestive issue and I should see a gastroenterologist? + +Or should I go back to see my therapist? + +Or lastly do all three?:< + +&#x200B; + +If you left a comment below, I thank you for your support.",Anxiety +34468,"Uncontrollable HIV anxiety New to Reddit so I apologise if this post is a little all over the place! + +So I've struggled FOREVER with anxiety. I'm a 22 year old girl, whole jadda-jadda about troubled childhood, absent parents etc which I think has contributed to it. Over the past 3 weeks I have been utterly destroyed with anxiety that I have HIV. I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression in the past, as well as always having intrusive thoughts and being convinced that I'm on deaths door after panickingly Googling symptoms. + +So basically I met a lovely guy, we really hit it off, going on lovely dates every day for about a week. Then, VERY out of character for me, we got drunk and slept together (every kind of sex, for those interested). I barely remember it and the next day I knew we hadn't used anything because we couldn't even remember how we got home, let alone anything else. Cue a panic just as we went out for breakfast the following day, and I asked if he 'had anything'. He said no, and seemed pretty offended. Well, if he was offended by that, he was even more offended when I said I thought he had HIV and proceeded to pester him all morning about when was your last test? Where do you have them done? How many people have you slept with? + +I physically couldn't eat for days, and I spent the next 2 days having to make myself sick because the anxiety was making me so nauseous. I was shaking constantly, waking up in the night in a hot sweat. In the end I spent 5 hours waiting in A&E until 1am to get PEP. I had to exaggerate to get it (the guys parent's are Ghanaian and Nigerian, he was born in Cuba, but I said he was Ghanaian because I know there's a high rate there). I remember the doctor saying to me ""okay so there is some risk"" and I just started crying. I was exhausted and malnourished and felt utterly convinced at that point. + +The guy in question has been so lovely. He knew how anxious I was and he picked me up the following day at 7am to go to the local clinic to prove he didn't have anything. I'm currently taking PEP. All my friends think it's hilarious how anxious I am, but honestly this anxiety is killing me. I can zone out for a good 10 minutes straight thinking about it. I'll think things like, what if I've actually got it from a previous partner? This guy has tattoos, would they test for HIV before that? What if he's taking me on all these lovely dates because he does have it and wants me to fall for him before I find out the truth? + +I had a blood test done at the end of January which was clear, and my blood test from A&E was fine, and I tested negative for everything except a water infection. Even then I was thinking what if the water infection is the start? I sneeze and convince myself these are the flu-like symptoms. I see a spot on my body and I'm convinced that is the rash starting. + +Does anyone else suffer with this? I'm scared that even if I get a negative result that my anxiety will continue. ",Anxiety +38172,ive been struggling with my mental health for a really long time even throughout secondary school the only thing is ive always pushed it down and gotten away with achieving my academic expectation despite how im struggling ive never told anyone about my problem not even my mum i guess i never wanted to worry her and also took alot of pride in being able to handle myself and not needing help from anyone i guess the combination of leaving it untreated and uni stress ha made it get worse and worse to the point it spiralled out of control i dont know the last time i actually ate a meal rather than just snack food all day the light is broken in my bathroom and i cant call maintenance to fix it because of the state of my dorm i have a nocturnal sleeping schedule and i rarely shower or leave my room i cant apply for special circumstance and try to finish the year because i cant even get out of bed let alone catch up on load of work and missed assignment i really just need to go home and eliminate the stress in order to seek medical treatment and get better but i dont know how to break it to my mum because she think im perfectly fine like how doe it go from being completely okay to me being in a full blown crisis just like that for her it not that i dont think she ll understand but i feel like im a completely different person than who she see no idea of anyone will see this but id really appreciate some advice support because ive never spoken to anyone about my mental health and idk what to do,Depression +27216,"I plans with my friend for the 4th of July and she canceled last minute. All my other friends and family have other plans so I am alone for the Holiday. All I want to do is go to the mall, get a big Cinnabon roll and eat it in the Barnes and noble while watching the people shop. I know this would not benefit me in the long run but I cannot think of anything else to do with my time. I am really trying to kick my sugar habit bc I use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. What are some positive things I can do alone today that does not include me laying in bed or drowning myself in sugar? I am not sure what to do with myself",Depression +41200,ajnr 0 obama manuel cyrill wegotalkam isaacquophai boyekweku broken heart 90 jon kay rockson soul izzatelkhawaja and here i am thinking money cure depression eei,Depression +15987,"Does anyone know what to do with this? I feel really stressed out of nowhere right now, I am not breathing irragular or hyperventilating but my breath got heavier. Just all my bad memories are constantly popping up out of nowhere and it is been doing that all day. I cannot relax and feel like I am about to cry any moment but it will not come.I have never had this before. I tried looking it up but all I found was panic attacks, but I have had those before but this is different from those times.... Anyone have any idea what this is or how to calm down because I cannot function at the moment and distraction does not work either, I cannot keep myself distracted because everything brings up some stupid memory and I have been hitting my head all day to try and make it stop. Getting kind of panicked and idk what to do",Depression +15653,"I do not know why my brain does this, but I cannot even do anything for enjoyment anymore because everytime I try to do something for fun, my brain thinks way too much about it and it stresses me out and saps the fun out of everything. I think about which game would bring me more enjoyment, which song would bring me more emotion, which activity I really want to do and I never know man. I am stressed out by everything that I used to do for fun. I cannot make up my mind about anything anymore. it is so hard I just want to feel better but I feel bad for no reason all about everything why. Overthinking has taken all enjoyment out of everything...",Depression +7363,"My retail job is making me depressed. I dread going there everyday. I feel like I am at the end of my rope with it. The days I do not work I cannot do things I enjoy because I am so tired from work. I do not even really have that many things I enjoy anyway. Is this all life is? Just working and being tired and working again until we die? If life is just working and being tired from working, what is the point?",Depression +12516,"i do not really believe the idea that it ever gets better. I am about to finish school, i have no friends, life sucks and all I have ever heard and been told is that it gets better. its quite irritating and I am tired of waiting for it to get better because clearly it never does when is life supposed to be good?",Depression +47689,"I can't stop caring I was told I was too empathic, but also selfish and a piece of shit. I was told I'm too giving, but also self-centered. I just can't stop caring. I know that for a fact. But I can't stop being a dick and messing up, it's something I have no control over, I'm drowning into these voices and things people tell me I am or I'm not. I'm not a good person, but I'm also not bad but I need somebody to save me. Therapy won't save me, my non existent friends won't save me so now what? I can't stop caring. Whether it is what you say or other people say. I just can't stop caring, taking other people's shit with me like it's my personal baggage, I just can't stop caring. For or about others.",Depression +8457,"I just hate everything about me. My appearance, my personality, my stupid mental illnesses. Even if someone told me they loved me I would not believe them because how can someone love another that cannot even love themselves? Why am I so unlovable",Depression +11390,"Its very hard for me to write this because I know I have people who love me and care about me. I am 27 years old now and have no clue what to do with my life, I work as a labourer but it is something I do not enjoy and spend between 60-70 hours a week doing it, I basically have no free time to do anything I enjoy. I often find myself frustrated that this is what my life has become. I would try and find something else but anything I apply for I never hear back from or not qualified for. When I was in high school I was very athletic, great social life and everyone thought highly of me. Now I am an embarrassment and I have gained almost 100 pounds. I gamble and eat/drink all of my money away and people think I am not good at anything. I basically feel like a walking joke, I have no idea how my life ended up this way. When I go to work and think of all of the things i would rather be doing it really hurts, my passions are slowly fading and I am turning into a zombie. I honestly feel like there is no hope for me and I am starting to wish I was never born. I am heading down a dark path and I feel it slowly get worse every day that goes by. I have lost the will to live",Depression +41331,twitringmachine anamardoll i mean with her portrayal of bipolar her view on depression amp victim of suicide autism really wasn t that far out it s like an ableism trifecta autism is weird amp ruin life personality disorder are abusive depression is fake amp attention seeking,Depression +38105,i am feeling worried for myself it almost a m and i can t sleep im not sure if it just because i can t sleep or if it my inner fight between staying alive or ending it these thought never go away it suck when people don t understand my sudden mood change or decision but i understand why they don t im just saying what i am feeling or thinking my heart always feel so heavy a if i put weight on it i feel like cry all the time everything in life is so boring or doesn t feel right i often get confused on what is real and what isn t real i don t have a therapist anymore because money is tight so im using this reddit post a a venting place because no one know me here and it s nice,Depression +38619,warning i ll be ranting about feeling hopeless guilty all the time and having no will to do anything with a splash of bitterness with life lately it feel like there is no hope for thing to get better for me like all the hope i had before is sucked right out of me nothing make me feel better word of encouragement and people saying it will get better that it all temporary and that life is beautiful doesnt make me feel any more hopeful in fact i m tired of hearing all these positive encouragement it make me feel bitter guilty and defensive in a way bitter because well i get very irritated about everything and everyone lately so my brain go well why the fck doe anyone want to live so much anyway whats the fckin point guilty because i feel shitty for not being able to heal despite complying to my medication and regularly meeting my psychiatrist granted med aren t miracle worker you apparently got ta work on yourself to get better which make me feel even more shittier because i don t have the will and energy to do anything and that make me feel like a failure finally i feel defensive cause internally my brain go well it not fcking easy you don t know what i m going through so in the end nothing make sense anymore i don t even wan na live but i still feel guilty for not getting better i don t see the point in life but why haven t i offed myself yet sorry for ranting it been a while doe anyone else feel the same,Depression +10630,Tw: suicide mentionIm going to be honest I have been thinking about suicide lately I have been so alone lately And there are times where I feel like completely emptyAnd you might think that is just me being sadNoIts literally nothingIm not sure how to describe it as anything different its just nothingAnd sometimes I have just started crying for no real reason and I cannot stop crying I know that I am slowly losing everything because of this And I cannot tell anyone this because I know the second I do Ill be treated like some charity caseI do not want thatAll I want is to be okayIve said that in my letter to myself To at least be okayWhy cannot I be okayIts not like I fully want to feel happyOr have everything I ever wantedIs it so hard to ask God or the universe or whatever the hell is out there to be okay?If I cannot be okay can I at least feel something positive because I have not had that this past yearI just do not know what to do anymore at all and I really would like some guidance I am really empty,Depression +24771,"I have been so depressed lately and I am really at my breaking point. I have never been formally diagnosed, but I know that whatever this state I am in is, is not normal. I have always been like a bit like this in a way, just never this severely. I hate my job but I need it to pay for school, I hate school but I am going just to please my family and because I feel like I have nothing else to do with my life, I have not made new friends in years because of how bad my social anxiety is and I have never had a boyfriend for the same reason, I barely talk to most of my family, I gained weight from being off work due to being in a fire and I also lost most of my hair from it. Literally nothing is going right. I have tried so many things to help myself feel better - fixing my sleep schedule, making routines, eating healthier, exercising, starting therapy, but I still almost feel more horrible than before. And I am not even getting help for my suicidal thoughts because when my therapist asked, I lied and said I did not have any. did not want to be put in a psych ward. Anyways, I know feeling better from these things will not happen overnight, but I do not think I can wait any longer. I constantly fantasize about how Id commit, and what use to stop me is fear but its scaring me that the fear of it is slipping away slowly. The only things stopping me from doing it ks the 2 or 3 people who I know would truly care. But I am starting to feel like a burden on them because of my draining my low moods must be. I just hate my life and myself to much bear. I wasted most of my youth by sitting at home and doing nothing because of my anxiety and toxic household, and now I am stuck at a job I absolutely hate and going to school for something I do not really care about just so I can say I did something with my life. I use all of my energy to pretend I am okay at work and then when I go home, I just lay in my bed and cry and waste my life even more. I am scared if I go on much longer like this Ill hurt myself. I am a 19 year old female if that changes anything. . I am at a loss and do not know what to do with myself anymore.",Depression +11285,"I am M/nearly 22 (because I am born December 1999) (also I am ashamed of my depression because it is unmanly)0 I have been living with depression since 2012 where it got worse every year until 2015 where I had multiple failed suicide attempts (not really manly, I know). After that it now comes in episodes. Sometimes these episodes are extreme (like right now because I have lost a family, people on tumblr spread false information about me, witch hunt me, I am all alone and I am getting doxxed), medium or mild. Also there is my dysphoria and paranoia mixed up in this as well. Before I tell you my whole life story I keep it short: Yes, I have been to a psychologist but it is not possible due to Covid at the moment. And I never had any friends in my life as people rather liked to bully me and physically hurt me (that is why I am glad I am out of school for so many years now) and almost got me killed once by throwing me in front of a bus. Anyways I noticed that my eyesight got worse and worse over the years. Can it be because of depression or because I stay up all night (I am very nocturnal) for years now? I had a sharp crisp eyesight a few years ago where I couldf see details 10m away but now I cannot even Identify faces anymore from one meters. (sorry for using the metric system, I am not american) I am scared to go blind. Additonal Note: My hearing is actually my greatest strenght and the only sense left that is close to superhuman as proven by multiple tests in the past that I took. (I do not like to mention it because it is considered cringe and unnormal and I am very ashamed of it but the hearing thing might be because of my autism.) Can depression worsen your eyesight?",Depression +21705,"My step brother contestantly kicks me In the face and slaps me, but when I barely poke him with a flashlight to retaliate he calls me a bitch baby even though he is acting like a 3 yr old. It makes me depressed that no one agrees he needs with me about him needing to grow a pair and be made a man, but I am called a bitch when I barely mess with him, which usually results in me getting physically harmed by him, what do I do. Tldr: getting harassed and physically hurt by stepbrother and what do I do? (Btw he tells me occasionally how I am ugly and no one loves me which does not help me mentally) I am pissed",Depression +12302,"I have been searching for over a year now, after being laid off. I have job, but its mind numbing and truly makes me want to die. I miss my career, I miss being happy, I miss enjoying what I do. I barely make enough to survive. I cannot afford my dog, so he lives with my parents. I only see him like, twice a year because I live halfway across the country. Literally everything in my life would be better if I could just find this goddamn job. I cannot find a job, and I just want someone to take me out at this point.",Depression +9088,"I do not get it. I do not get why i feel this way. I have a mom who loves me and who i love to death, a dad that cares about me. A sibling who looks up to me. I am 15 I have been going to therapy since last year.She said i got better, she said my aura had changed, she said i seem happier and that was true for some time but now i do not even know. I do good in school i have 3 friends who love me. Who i told that i hate myself. I am a white middle class girl who lives in a safe town. But yet i find my self crying for no reason. I find myself feeling numb and on the verge of breakdowns when hanging out with friends. I am terrified of death yet I want him to take my hand sooner than he has planned. I lay in bed and stare at my room that my mom begs for me to clean so desperately. She begs me to come downstairs and hangout with her yet i cannot and i feel so guilty for not doing so. My dad cried once because he realized he was too hard on me. I do not eat as much as i used to, a toddler could eat more than me in a day. The clothes on my back get changed when i take a shower which is a disgusting amount of days to some people. I read books wishing i was the main character, i would not have to worry about getting a shitty job that i hate just so i can become another employee to this company we call the you.S. The Earth is dying and there is nothing i can do about it. I want to live life to the fullest before the end but i cannot find myself having the energy or the funds to do so. I do not see a point to life the only thing stopping me is my mom walking in on my dead body. I cannot see my life being worth it in the long run, I cannot see the money my parents spend to feed and attempt to give me joy worth it. I do not get it i really do not get it i do not get why i have mascara stained cheeks right now. i do not get why two people decided to have sex one day. I do not get why I am drowning in my own misery while people have it worse. I remember in school we asked the question if a character in the book was weak or not for committing sucide. Every single person said weak. I do not see myself as a weak person and i do not think anyone who thinks about ending it is weak. I just think they want peace and they are tired. I am tired. Those few minutes of happiness a day are not worth the amount of dread i feel a week. I am young yet I am already exhausted",Depression +8877,"so, this might be a little long. sorry about that in advance anyway.like the title said I have no idea what I am doing with my life, not trying to feel sorry for myself by posting this or anything I just do not know what to do anymore. I had a very complicated childhood, my parents never let me get an education. (and by that I mean not at all, I never did any school work, or even went to school at all when I was a kid/teen.)my spelling is almost nonexistent and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to improve it (using a mix of autocorrect/google translate to write this out) and my math is awful, but I did manage to teach myself to read quite well though.I was not allowed to talk to other kids growing up and so I had no friends growing up and was not allowed to leave the house at all, only sometimes to go shopping with my dad or mom. and I went out even less after my father killed himself when I was 8.the first time I talked to someone/went outside by myself was when I was 16 and it was to get milk and other stuff because my mom just got too lazy and she could not be bothered anymore I suppose. as you probably guessed I have extreme social anxiety and can barely talk to other people even till this day.this might sound awful and I feel awful for saying this, but covid is probably the best thing to ever happen to me I was able to move out with one of my sisters because of government benefits, because of this I was able to look inward and able to see how badly I was treated by my family and to see that I might have a lot of mental problems because of this.I do not know how I thought my home life was normal, but I had my mom calling me useless because I was unable to get a job and pay her rent, and most of my siblings treated me like dirt acting grossed out just from seeing me, and some of them even used to tell me that: I should kill myself because no one would miss me anyway"".the only people in my family I am close with are my two little sisters and my older brother though he cut everyone in our family off including me because his wife does not like any of us which hit me hard.my family has pretty much fallen apart a surprise to anyone reading this I am sure haha.so that brings us to today I am 23 years old have no education, do not have any friends, I cannot get a job, and I Might be homeless soon.I am seeing a psychologist soon. I do not think it will help me much honestly. I wake up every day scared of being homeless I cannot relax anymore, I do not enjoy anything in life anymore. for anyone who is worried I do not think I am suicidal, but I am honestly finding it hard to find a reason to live anymore.to anyone who made it to the end of this probably very badly spelled post, Thank you. I feel like I am floating through life, and I do not know what to do anymore.",Depression +21300,"I do not know when I became this way. Talking and getting to know people feels so monotonous. I already know the conversation will reach a lull or go somewhere I am not tryna take it. Since apparently I am lacking in personality. I feel like there is something about me, that makes me hard to love or even like for me, its like I can only deal with people in small doses. Yet, loneliness still comes creeping in. Truth is I want to talk to someone.. on a deep emotional level. Yet, I find everything so predictable now a days. I know its me. Not them. In general everything seems quite pointless. I have been depressed or just saddish off and on since I was 7. I am 19 , and I am afraid this is all there is to life. I feel that I am destined to be this sad, miserable, numb, empty she will of a women and all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry. But the antidepressants will not let me. Talking to people feels pointless. what is wrong with me ?",Depression +40753,people think i am i m attitude no dude i am alone i am in depression i am in overthinking,Depression +40965,just one hug to relief depression,Depression +18917,"(23F) My brain feels like a stormy day and I just need to let out some of the worries that tend to rotate around my head. I am not properly diagnosed with depression but I do have anxiety so it is very likely.\- **I am super emotional with my boyfriend** \- From the get-go of us dating, I have developed a tendency to cry a lot with my boyfriend (24M). he is a complete sweetheart that I have known most of my life and I love him so much. He is always there for me (as I am for him) and I truly feel at peace when I am with him, especially when we are relaxed in bed. I told him he feels like a nice warm blanket in that I feel comfortable and safe. I think he reminds me of the best parts of my dad as a person - particularly when I was little. (My dad is not a bad person, but has his flaws)**- I feel like I will never have enough money to support myself and live a good life** \- I have always been pushed to be the best, especially since I am the first to have my Bachelor's degree. While my parents sympathized with me and are not at all bad people, I constantly feel this pressure to be successful and independent, but I worry a lot about finances and just life in general and how much it will change. My father comes from a background of former military and poverty and I have tried to mold myself into the successful image he is today, even though our life circumstances vary.**- I have a constant fear that life will suddenly change** \- Nearly a year ago, a close family friend passed away suddenly. That was the catalyst (along with COVID) where my mental health took a negative turn. I have always worried about circumstances like this but this event made it worse. Now, I constantly feel this way when my boyfriend comes over to my house. it is not far from him but the traffic worries me, a major reason why I have not driven on my own.Any advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thoughts constantly running in my head",Depression +25589,"I have been trying to get help for awhile now and recently I went to hospital and they helped me a lot in planning what to do. But since this morning my GP has passed me to a mental health team which then passed me back to the GP, I have been on the phone all morning dealing with this while I had a whole plan to discuss this with my GP and resolve all this but it seems no one wants to listen to me and the only help I get is when I am in a desperate moment (being in the hospital). I just feel no one cares when I need help and only help when they see something has happened. Doctors are difficult to deal with (rant)",Depression +38204,well like the title say it since covid ha come around and i got it time died almost time at this moment i just hoped it killed me i having longcovid and no energy need to use a lot of medicine to get normal breath since then my day are waking up working and after hour i have no energy got ta work for 0 hour a day because it s to busy after i get home nobody is there to support me nobody is ever texting me i hate it to see everyone having a gf around me i m alone not talking to someone and when i talk to people people will backstab me after sometime after i did something for them i hate my life and just want to be happy again hoped to find a girl to talk with have friend that like playing game and chatting but i m always alone while gaming or something and when people say yeah i get online they never will get online i m here to write it off myself 9 0 time it help especialy since i not have someone to talk about it sometimes i hope to meet some dutch people that feel the same or know how it is amp x 00b thanks for those who even read this sh t d amp x 00b kind regard amp x 00b ajax winner,Depression +13357,"I wish i had friends. that is basically it. My high school life is incredibly boring, I have not had a healthy and proper friendship for a while now. I used to have a friend group but they kind of just left me behind I think, they still hangout together, nowadays when they see me in the hall we just say hi. the only time people actually talk to me is in class when they are asking about work, and even that rarely happens. in the normal school day, i only talk to one or two people, and those conversations do not even go past a minute. when i go home, i see people meet up with each other and plan out after school or weekends, and i kind of just wish i had that. I have been feeling like this since i started high school, but nothing has really changed. I feel like I am missing out on so much of my life because I have not been making good memories. Even outside of school i have trouble. I am going to this camping trip that my family and a bunch of other friends and family go to every year and i have been too scared or embarrassed to talk with the people my age. I kind of tried once, but it was difficult because i had nothing to really talk about, but everyone else there had no trouble getting along because they i think they hang out very frequently. everything i do nowadays is less interesting and i feel like I am being a disappointment to my parents because all i really do is school work. I do not go outside anymore to hangout with people, and I have lost motivation to go back to my sports and activities because to be honest, I cannot be bothered to deal with the bullshit and the awful and awkward feeling of trying to start conversations. Everything to me is boring now, even the video games i used to enjoy. I feel less motivated to do my school work (when school was in session) but i still do good in class because i have this feeling where if i get less than an A I am a disappointment because i basically do not do anything else beside school. every year my summer break is boring, except for the vacations. I spend everyday just essentially doing nothing. I am on the computer half of the time and i get bored. I watch tv and I am bored. I go outside and go on walks and to the mall and I am bored, and that usually makes me feel worse because i see everyone else hanging out. I do not think anyone has gotten the sense that i feel this way because i usually just act happy in school and around my parents. I still tell them that i hang out with people in school but not outside but tbh that is not really true. I wish Id stay and actually learn a sport or something like basketball once most people who play sports are pretty sociable and have friends. I dunno. I have not told anyone this because they might think I am complaining. I have a very good life and I am thankful that my parents are there to provide for me, but something just feels lacking, not on their part but on mine. I pretty much have nothing to do nowadays and i wish i did. Sorry if this seems cluttered, I am just venting this out finally. I do not know how to explain it, but i feel empty and useless most of the time. Why cannot i make friends",Depression +20620,"I am miserable most of the time. I might return to drinking eventually I think. I get addicted to drugs a lot, I have tried so many therapists. I have had so many relationships end in shit.I do not get why I am miserable. I have a good career. I have so much stuff, but it does not mean anything to me though. I have trouble finding interests. I am a classical pianist, but honestly I do not feel like I am that great at playing after 20 years of doing it. Lately it feels like I am just playing the same songs over and over. I tried streaming myself playing on reddit and it made me feel dead inside despite the countless comments I got that my music was beautiful. The one or two comments telling me I sucked stuck out more.I am rambling here, but I am so lost. I have one good friend who I love so much but he is miserable too. We both comfort each other, and have for a decade but it is a catharsis in hating ourselves and everything around us.I have no idea how to get through a week without some sort of vice. I do not get how people just live their lives. I wake up and the first thought in my mind almost every morning is I hate my life, I hate existence, I hate how empty I feel, and I just want to die. I do not want to try medication because I hear horror stories about how it just makes things worse. I am pretty sure if I got on the wrong one, I would end up killing myself. I get by being this depressed, numb version of myself- I have done it for so long, I cannot really remember being content. So I carry on, waiting to die. That is my sentence. I only really look forward to death most days, at the age of 30.",Depression +24138,"I recently moved for college. I definitely had moments where I felt sad in high school and at home, but its never been that bad. I feel really crushes by my expectations. There was this guy I talked to, and I thought that we could really like each other. But I feel like I just liked the idea of him, and I really do not know anything about him. I do not know why I cannot stop liking people. I want a relationship to feel good about myself and to not feel lonely, and I know this could never lead to happiness. The only sense of excitement I feel is when someone likes me back or when I get compliments. I always posts pictures of myself on social media to feel good and so that other can think I am good looking. I do not like who I am now. I feel like I constantly rely on others people validation. I have talents and achievements, but I feel like I do them all to have the ability to say I did them. Or I do things so that I can tell others about them, and they can think that I am talented and good at things. I cannot even enjoy shows, books, or games without feeling like they are all pointless eventually. I do not really know what I like or what I am good at. I do not really know what it means to be happy, and I have always felt this emptiness inside for a really long time. I think too much about school, and I am obsessive about grades. Even when I score badly on a meaningless assignment I feel awful about myself, and I believe that if I do not do well that means that others are better than me. I constantly compare myself to others too. I do not know how to have fun because all I do is worry. I am shy and introverted around people because I worry that they will judge me for what I say, and I always pick my words so that they put me in the best light and so that they will like me. It makes it difficult for me to make friends and go out because I am terrified of what they will think of me. I do not know if I really enjoy anything. Everything in my life feels like a checklist. I do not think about dying a lot, but I do imagine what its like to just be gone. I do not really think ill miss out on anything. I do not see how my life can get better if I do not truly enjoy anything. I know that a lot of the things I do are wrong, but I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to feel good about myself and my achievements or anything I do. Even when I get validation for others, I do not feel better. And it hurts even more when I am rejected or fail. I do not know how to get better",Depression +40143,idk i m not a native speaker so i don t which crisis it is i m in my dorm room paralyzed took a seminar topic on which i can t find paper when i ask for help no one then came my shitty sem test mark with just the end sem remaining yes this is not the first time i ve cried after joining college i just can t see my future and i can only be numb to my grade and pain for so long,Depression +23122,"i doubt anyone will read this but here it goes anyways. i really thought i was doing a lot better compared to the very beginning of this year. got a therapist, a psychiatrist, and I am on low medication for depression. i even managed to graduate from college with a bach degree in the midst of all my mental struggles. recently i started to get back into past hobbies again too.fast forward to yesterday, when i fucked up my long-anticipated pc build, messing up the mobo and the cpu. honestly it left me discouraged as hell even though in the grand scheme of things, it is not the worst things that could happen, but it seriously crushed my soul and whatever confidence i was trying to build up.now I am re-evaluating my life choices once again. 22 yo guy with almost no job experience at all. kind of decent at web dev but not nearly enough to find a job for it as of now. meanwhile some people my age are out there making a decent living, which is hell of a lot better than whatever I am doing right now. i have some friends but i do not have much in terms of social interaction other than with family members. it is so selfish for me to say this but i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, but that is not the reality i live in... feeling hopeless",Depression +41430,well i ve made it in to college i may have little makeup on and comfy clothes and drank alcohol to fall asleep last night but at least i m out of bed i don t want this depression anymore,Depression +39296,i have been having anxiety chest pain for over year i have seen a doctor but the solution wasn t a good i take deep breath and sometimes i use st john s wort and camomile to calm i got better for a while but now whenever i think of something a in a college related report studying commitment promising to do something and thinking about it all day my chest hurt from these condition and i have breathing difficulty what do you do to help when you get these symptom,Depression +37784,i like not caring about anything i m at work all day just going through the motion the long hour and annoying customer don t phase me because i m not even all there mentally emotionally failing uni doesn t phase me because eh i have to be numb because if not i ll just constantly feel unbearable emotional and physical pain i have to swallow every bit of emotion so i don t completely fall apart,Depression +38090,i feel like i ll never get a girlfriend i m i also have a genetics disorder i feel like no woman will ever want me because of it i don t think you can tell i have it but i feel once i tell them that they won t want me i ve been feeling really depressed about it and i m scared to talk to woman so that doesn t help,Depression +39007,my anxiety come with irritability avoidance of others impatience low frustration tolerance sleep issue restlessness and all sort of strange worry but the thing that really annoys the fuck out of me is the constant tight feeling in my head neck and chest anyone else feel this way,Depression +47548,"The only reason of all this misery is simply that we cant leave this life at any moment easily If you dont like playing some game, you simply click a button and leave it. If you dont enjoy being at some random party you just go home. Do you see where im going with this? This life is the same fking thing, its just an experience, its nothing special, its not what all these people are making of it. Literally this life is utterly miserable objectively for the majority of people, and i dont care if some minority gets to enjoy this life and squeeze max pleasure from it. If i dont want to be here than its fking obvious that im not obligated by anything to continue to stay here. And its not only about me not wanting to continue, its about this life being such a fking terrible painful shit that its unbearable to even exist there. Something or Someone clearly designed this life this certain way so that we cant leave this life any moment without pain without fear without any aftermath whatsoever. They even called it ""death"" and gave us this stereotype that death is so dramatic, its so scary, its so bad, you should survive and avoid it. Like its 100% objective truth that if everyone had an ability to simply end this life whenever they want, nobody would be depressed, there would be no suffering, no misery, we wouldn't even have this conversation. I mean imagine even having to fking talk about this miserable shit i mean existence should be about having fun, to be happy, to have beautiful memories, not to be stuck in this shit and wondering what the actual fk is this. There is not one asshole that will tell me that i should live this life if i dont want. I would beat the shit out of any bitch that would hesitate to even suggest to me that i should do something that i dont fking want. I know exactly what i feel inside and its just billions time stronger and more powerful and makes much more sense than any kind of shit that this world propagates. Even if billion people will scream at me that im worthless piece of shit just because i dont care about this life i would give a single fuck because i know that im right, i know for sure that no sentient conscious being with empathy and logic would even suggest that this abomination what we call ""life"" is great",Depression +40618,speak to a therapist online via skype for anxiety and depression online mindfulness therapy via skype psychotherapy without drug the best option is to treat the underlying cause contact me to learn more see http t co a uafykh u,Depression +15476,I wish this was not happening My life is just falling apart,Depression +25174,"I have been really digging deep into myself these past few months because I want to get better. I want to feel something other than inadequacy and pitifulness.Over the past few days I have come to the fact that I have an eating disorder, and I have been living with it for probably a little over 2 years and it has gotten progressively worse with age. I have also been thinking about how I talk to others. I have realised that I am too nice and I let people walk all over me, or I let mean comments pass by. I have decided I am not going to do that anymore, and when someone says something that I do not agree with, I am going to stand up for myself. I feel like a fraud. I feel like I am putting on thus facade to people to please people. Because I must admit it without being vain, I am...different than most people. I dress weird, I like old music, I am wiser than my fellow sixteen year old peers and I am a lot more articulate than my peers and that is probably because I read the classics and enjoy poetry. I am an intellectual person and in my family I am a black sheep, because everyone around me is a lot more shallow than I when speaking about topics and they just like different things than me. So when I am around other people, it is better not to speak than to say something that does not fit their norm and be laughed at and made fun of. To be honest, I would rather be alone than be in a group of people who share no interests than me. To me, that is probably the worst thing to deal with...people you just do not click with. If I could have one person who was just my other half, then I swear I would be happy for the rest of my life. That probably will not happen so I will not wish for it. I am a fraud.",Depression +9483,The response I receive from everyone makes me feel like I am always incorrect or made the wrong choice. I do not know what to do. Feels like every decision I make is incorrect.,Depression +20982,"Been on Lexapro 10mg for about 6 months.Have been tapering off for 2 months now. I have had minimal effects so far, brain zaps, irritable but nothing major like when I missed a few doses a few months back.I was taking 2.5 mg for 2 weeks and decided to stop cold turkey from there and I have been off for one week. I started getting brain zaps but now I feel like I am being shocked from my head down to my toes when I turn my head for the past few days. Like I have a tens machine hooked up to my whole body. it is unpleasant. I do not want to move but I had to go to the store and I was crying by the time I got back to my car. Is this a side effect anyone else has experienced? Lexapro withdrawal symptom or something else?",Depression +22861,"just looking for someone to chat with, life has been really rough lately. i feel crushed. looking for support, please",Depression +19053,"I do not like to hang around with my friends like i use to.. and they also do not understand me, but they never seem to care either... its just, hey!, i fucked this girl, let us drink this beer, let us smoke weed, let us talk about women... And I know thay are way more complex then that, that is why i believe this is a me issue... it just, when i take a step back from my group, that is all I hear...I want to be alone, but my psicologist told me i do not want that, my depression does.. so i do not know how to feel, or what to do...Have you felt like white noise ringing in ur ears whenever ur suppose to be having a good time? I do not want to be alone but...",Depression +40218,suicidal all weekend watched the infamous funky town gore video i m usually ok with gore and death but that wa horrific made me think could that be me in hell for eternity i mean if human could do something that drawn out and horrific there s no telling what would be in store down there and all because i couldn t handle the cruelty of human nature,Depression +38951,i ve been having a lot of thought of am i going crazy surely i must be going crazy i know derealization is just an anxiety symptom but i want to just hear if others experience the same thing and i m constantly worried this will result in psychosis like it s a fear that i don t want to end up in a mental hospital or go crazy,Depression +26666,"So i was typing this message to my ex(she recently broke up with me) but decided against it as I do not want her to feel bad.Little backgroundHad depression my whole lifeFirst tried killing myself at 5 or 6 but have not tried to in many yearsIntermittently had good days, weeks, months and years between the bad(as most do)do not know if I am so used to the pain that i do not know what real happiness is or Id rather be dark because its what i know. It feels weird typing this.I cried for the first time in so many years. My depression is crushing me so much of the time even though you would never know. I do not think i could look in the mirror and say one thing i like about myself, most of the time i feel like i should punch myself. I see a picture of myself and. Its almost repulsive. I was born being choked by my own umbilical cord. Probably should have died then.You suggested therapy but there is no way I am going and it will not help, how do you help someone just born feeling this way? The only thing they do is give you drugs to mask the pain and i took those for years and was a literal zombie. I never feel really right around people and I have never seen myself really having an actual friend. (Left out some other stuff about how i am glad she left me so she can be happy yada yada but that is the main part) Recent very dark days",Depression +15589,"No one I know knows the depth and extent to which I am fucked right now. I am suffocated by heaps of piled up work I keep putting off. Its not even just normal procrastinating, even when i start the work every minute of continuing to work on requires extreme strengths. My laziness is killing me. I do not know what to do. I do not know where all this time since January went. I am so lost. cannot fall asleep because I am so worried about everything. The walls are closing in on me. I despise myself so much. Trapped",Depression +11008,"Last Sunday something happened in my friends life that made her not want to be my friend and delete all her social media, I still have zero idea what happened. I called the police to do a welfare check on her because in the past this has happened with family members because and the police need to be called to help. The police check on her and call me to tell me she is fine. That was the last update.She originally blocked me on everything and then unblocked me a little while later and then deleted everything she had. I know she is in a crisis at the moment so I am not angry or annoyed with her, I am just concerned. In the last she is told me she is used an app called Vent so I decided to download it to see if she is posted anything. She posted a few hours ago talking about working out and how happy she is now she is alone and does not have to impress anyone. she is happy she is alone... I never even got to meet her.I miss her My best friend vanished.",Depression +21658,"I am cutting myself because someone is not responding to me. I am crying, I fuckung hate myself. Why why why why why why why fucking why am I like this. I am a fucking asshole. The person that I am taking it out on is the person I like. Why am I ruining my life like this. Please help me Help",Depression +38715,i have a constant fear that i m going to have cardiac arrest or a fatal arrhythmia i f in good health just got back from the gym and it wa great now i m in my car about to get lunch and bam my anxiety kicked in and my heart started beating soo fast honestly it probs only beating 00bpm and all i can think about is what if i die from a cardiac event i m on beta blocker literally for my anxiety and am in therapy but sometimes these thought happen from time to time and it s frustrating i have no real problem with my heart and it s all in my head but sometimes i just wish it would turn off,Depression +17330,I have been taking 37.5 mg the past four days and just flushed my pills. Am I going to be OK to stop? I decided I do not want to take this. My doctor said I should continue but I do not want to Effexor,Depression +39835,i just got done with my psychiatrist appointment i don t feel good about it medication dosage got increased again that s all my life is medication therapy trying to make thing work and get better but it never happens i feel numb i don t feel anything at all right now the pain is so overwhelming i just can t feel anything i m one day away from being three week clean it doesn t matter i really feel like i m going to kill myself today i don t have enough medication to do it here and i need another method i know nobody care not really at the end of the day nobody care i m tired of being alone i m sure it s my own fault somehow everything s always my own fault i m tired i don t want to sleep i want to die,Depression +47309,I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.. Ive been feeling this way for almost all my life but WAYY more so in the past 1 year.,Depression +19977,"I just want to know what its like, just fucking once. I have gone my whole fucking life without it. My dad hit me more times than he hugged me. My mum did not give two shits about me, tried to kill herself 3 times before I even turned 12 just to prove that point. And that is not to mention all the other shit they both put on me. Never even had friends growing up, moved around too much, just did my best to assimilate with new groups by wearing masks and leaving them behind just as quickly.Only ever had one friend in adulthood. Think she did care about me for a while, but I fell in love with her and she did not feel the same way. Between that and my constant mentally ill bullshit, guess I scared her away because she is barely spoken to me at all for almost 2 years now and I have not seen her in just as long.Never had a girlfriend either. cannot imagine it would be anything but a total fucking disaster and I do not think I can handle losing someone I actually care about because of my own bullshit again. Tried using shit like Tinder but it fucking sucks. Besides, I know I am not good enough for a relationship so what the fuck am I even trying to accomplish by asking women out? Sex is just fucking pointless to me at this point so I really do not know what the end goal is and I just stop bothering.I know people say you have got to love yourself first but I do not know what the fuck that feels like because I have nothing to go off. Feels like I am caught in an endless cycle of cannot be loved till I love myself and cannot love myself until I learn what being loved is like. Its fucking torture. do not even think it fucking matters anymore, think I have lost the ability to be around people anymore anyway. cannot handle it. Every time I have tried to make myself be around people or make new friends I just get fucking agitated with everyone and want to be left the fuck alone. cannot even hold down a job anymore because I cannot speak to the public on a regular basis without doing shit that gets me fired. People just aggravate me and I do not know how to fix that. Medication does not fix it, does not do fucking anything, neither does therapy. Guess there is no solution.Just so fucking sick of being completely alone in the world, having to do all this shit by myself every fucking day, with nothing ever getting better or easier. And its a fucking catch 22 because the longer this shit goes on the harder it gets to be around anyone, the worse my truest issues get and the more I realise I am probably always going to be fucking unstable to some degree and Ill never be good enough to have relationships and shit because I have got nothing to offer but chaos and self-destruction. I just wish one fucking person loved me",Depression +47327,"7th friend gone... ive lost 7 friends to suicide now and im just completely destroyed, this most recent one i knew since march of 2022... im so sad and losing hope so fast what do i even do to cope anymore...",Depression +10480,einsten said you can not solve a problem with the same thinking used to to create a problem which is ocd hell no way outWhat should I do? please talk with meI have a nice family who loves me very much and I know I deserve it I am an emotional and nice person can not hurt anybody or anything.I graduated from college only studled my lessons.I had less severe intrusive thoughts then.Everybody dissapointed me.My intrusive thoughts are unique not just harm ocd or contamination or else. They are ingrained in my character. Maybe I am not ocd I am not sure now all doctors said ocd.I tried all medicines ssris and antipsychotics also anafranil. my thoughts do not make me anxious they make frustrated and hopeless. I got erp treatment but ut does not work a bit.I have 5 people: father mother brother a virtual girl friend and my grandmother.I thought my virtual friend understands me but we are different like opposite before we thought we are the same.Anyway I have chance to get brain surgery or called cingulotomy or electrocution therapy.What should I do broken non functional so sad.I just exist do not live and I am aware and it hurts a lot my family is sad and cries.What should I do I live in middle east no facilities only meds or dark hospitals without life. I am existing not living and mentally can not. I have nothing but my venting. theoritcally I can be helped you will say but reality nothing will be ok,Depression +41221,the 0 halsey melanie martinez troye sivan lana to 0 depression pipeline,Depression +47124,"I don’t enjoy being awake or alive I find it tedious, wake up with nothing to do, no reason to be alive, all the goals seem meaningless. What’s the point of going to bed if I just wake up again to feel the same, empty, sometimes I don’t even wish for a gf or anything of the sort, just someone to talk to, I find them and three things happen, I either push them away because I’m not good at anything else, they loose interest, or just leave, but almost every time I fuck shit up.",Depression +47384,Alcohol is the only thing I look forward to I can only drink on Fridays which is tomorrow and I can’t wait even tho alot of the time I have a panic attack or start crying while drunk lying on the floor crying and puking in the toilet and not being able to think is so much better than this life,Depression +23110,"Depression is the result of an unnatural over-development of civilisation to the point where our minds have been forced to become complacent due to lack of any real purpose. In the days of survival, humans would wake up everyday faced with a viariety of challenges that would need to be overcome in order to simply stay alive. Theory of the depression pandemic that affects so many of us today",Depression +38351,laying in bed bored decided to open some of my old playlist on spotify started to listen to some song that my ex sent me the one we used to listen together all night i haven t listened to these song or any song of the one i used to love since we broke up i don t know what made me dig up this pain also there s a playlist she made specially for me but i don t dare to open it it s like i just opened the pandora s box of sadness and depression,Depression +40815,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs thelmasherbs,Depression +16861,You do not matter if you are a guy hurting I wish I was a girl,Depression +41461,year ago i wa a grade student this is probably the funniest class i have ever had before diving in to depression next school year http t co u ufvp ea,Depression +13112,"Worked with a councillor for a while who really helped me with gaining tools to stop my negative thoughts. I have slipped back into them and using these tools is harder now since they do not feel believable. I worked on affirmations, breaking down negative thoughts, roots of low self esteem and positive qualities with her. When I try to go through them now, I just do not believe the positive conclusions I am supposed to make by the end or I get caught up in my documented negative thoughts. Only affirmations seems to work or are believable when I am very depressed. How to make psychotherapy believable?",Depression +16031,"I do not know why but somehow I always fall down again and somehow I always feel dissapointed and defeated, no matter how hard I try or how optimistic I try to be. I cannot seem to find lasting friends or a relationship with someone. I just need someone to talk to and get all of these things off my chest. I do not want to be here anymore. How do I keep my head over water and keep myself from drowning? Dissapointment is all I ever felt.",Depression +41244,medfitblondie it will also be life changing when you come off of them so much so in my experience that you will one day wish you never started them yes the energy is great the focus is great but when you get off them depression will set in fatigue amp sleepiness will last week,Depression +47232,"Text helpline is useless I tried using the (US based) s***ide text hotline tonight. After replying ""YES"" to accept terms and conditions and be connected to a counselor a good dozen times, I gave up. Had to block the number to stop getting notifications asking me if I accepted the terms and conditions and wanted to be connected to a counselor. Go America. + +I guess I just want to go on record that I am begging for fucking help, just for someone to fucking care, I tried at least a dozen times over to engage with the AI interface to get an actual human being.... fucking shit. Fuck everything.",Depression +41290,i open to every experience that life offer emotion feeling sadness confusion happiness excitement depression lowest point of life challenge change adventure artistic feel dream desire knowledge new people new culture innovation open mindedness,Depression +24828,damn bruh the next generation is going to be weak as hell if we keep going the way we are going smh. GODDAMN BRUH SO MUCH YOUTH BEING WASTED IN SADNESS,Depression +47240,"Feeling unworthy of love All of my relationships have failed. I’m 35 and divorced, just got dumped by a woman I loved, and can’t even make it work with guys. Everyone I’ve ever dated has ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Feeling like I’m destined to be alone forever.",Depression +8141,"I hate existing. Today I woke up thinking I can make it work but again, I cannot. My family hates me, I hate myself, I can never be better. Just when I thought I can be better, the universe just keep pushing me into the dark",Depression +15472,"Recently I have been seeing a lot of videos of couples being happy together and being by each others side, and I am tired of being by myself, the only problem is that whenever i think about wanting a relationship, whether with a man or a women, my brain automatically says ""you do not need a relationship, they will only get in your way, what if they hurt you? What if they cheat? What if they falsely accuse you of rape?"" And I am starting to get sick of it. I cannot stand being alone",Depression +40604,theekween it help with depression loss of a loved one anxiety heart break or have witnessed something traumatic thelmasherbs,Depression +17475,"Hi, I hope you guys ate doing okay.I am really easy to be affected by people's moods, for instance, if someone in the family is sad then I will be sad too even I was feeling good before that. So my sister is getting depressed for a few weeks now and I am worried about her but have no idea what to do or how to help and honestly, I am kind of avoiding her because she is feeling down and on verge of crying all the time and I do not want to be affected by her feelings. I want to be happy and I have a job to be. Okay, that is my excuse. When I had depression a year ago, I was all on my own because I prefer to deal with it alone. Today, I saw her crying, and God... I felt bad after that and I cried too (alone). I want her to be happy again but I scared at the same time. I still remember my therapist said that I am scared to be love and I admit that I am. I have no boyfriend and I only have two friends who live far away, we only text one another, I have not seen any of them for 3+ years. I feel pressure when I care for someone. I am fine being alone. I think I will stay single forever. But... we will should I see a therapist for this? I know this is abnormal. My sister's depression is affecting me and I am trapped. I my sister is falling in a depression and am worried that I am going to follow her too",Depression +41371,yinkapost he went into depression i think,Depression +37925,after month of doin good i fucked up my depression hit hard and i isolated myself from everyone i stopped talking to my best friend which made her upset and now she want nothing to do with me she wa the last friend i had if i could tell her anything it s i m sorry i should ve been better friend tonight i m not smoking or drinking because i believe we can always get back on our foot someday,Depression +20574,"Hey guys, I am not depressed but Id like to know how a depressed person thinks. I am feeling really resentful towards my bfs ex who has depression as she tried to reach out to my bf for another chance at the relationship and to get him to help her with her depression. i feel like it was unreasonable for her to come back to his life when they are not together anymore and it just makes me hate her. My bf says she is depressed hence he let her down nicely or talks to her carefully because hes scared she will kill herself.I know I am being somewhat of a bitch rn, so please help me understand how a depressed person thinks because rn I just want to fight her Help me understand depression",Depression +39378,i ve had anxiety since i wa 9 that wa year after my brother death amp my dad s assent into abusive alcoholism year after my discovery of oxycontin the year of my mom s diagnosis of breast cancer they were all dead by the time i wa i ve been addicted to damn near everything in my lifetime iv user of heroin amp amphetamine but nothing wa ever a bad a the xanax era my mom wa dying in front of my eye just wasting away we were homeless for a while we slept in the same bed smoking meth and taking any rx med that took u out of the moment i m now i m married living in a shitty basement apartment i developed epilepsy last year amp have been out of work since my husband work a lot so i m just alone a lot of the time been on so many psych med spent month in a top ranked trauma center in baltimore got round of electro convulsive therapy ketamine treatment just completed my rd inpatient drug rehab on friday back to drinking by sunday i can not take this anymore what do i fucking do like can anybody help i ve done recovery program worked the step been in therapy once a week for the last year nothing is working and i just don t want to be here anymore somebody please help please,Depression +26245,Its like people can sense that I am just broken inside and not an actual person. It does not help that I am completely replaceable (upgradable?) I am single because I am depressed,Depression +40060,how do i go about telling a friend i m suicidal i feel like i m just being dramatic but i m having intense thought though i m not sure i d act on them and i don t have a proper plan though i m always thinking about it at the same time i don t want to bother anyone it must be a horrible thing to hear from someone and there s nothing they can do really but i m not sure what i can do at this point either i m just so desperate,Depression +47797,"I really want to hear from other individuals that are trying to make baby steps towards beating depression i woul love to hear your rexperiences and methdos are the mot effective to release some of the energY/anxiety that has arised frim my depression. + +Some of theses symptoms are: low tolerance to fail + +unable to feel joy that can last lomger than 10 minues + +social isolation + +Ihave descontrolled bullima and i have stolen from other people's food + +All thius is so siu¡dustung. I am feeling so narcissistic . My depressuion wilkl roiune my relation",Depression +15670,"Its just unbearable. Nothing helps. I cannot bear listening to others success stories or good news. They no longer inspire me, but remind me of what I will never have.",Depression +26267,I feel like I have done nothing and that I have wasted my high school years like I have missed out on what everybody else has done and it feels horrible my life is terrible because all I think about is how bad it is and I feel like no one else understands I am graduating,Depression +18090,"Anybody else quit their old job, start a new one (or entrepreneurship) and find yourself less stressed but more depressed than before? The fuck! I am so frustrated with life right now. So hard to see the other side of all the work I am putting in but also feel like I am not putting in enough hard work. I am tired, feel like I am stuck and lost. New job, still depressed",Depression +19461,"Does more happy/positive or upbeat music help? Or do you listen to somber depressive type of music to help you when you are down?*i realize down and depressed are not exactly the same thing. I am just struggling to find the right words right now* Does music help when you are feeling especially down or depressed? If so, what kind of music helps most?",Depression +13947,"I cut all of them off in high school and dropped out. I do not have a close relationship with my family. They love me and I love them but I keep them at arms length, I am not comfortable letting them get closer. I feel so alone. I wish I had someone to do fun things with, or to just chat. Realized I have no friends",Depression +17705,Some people just want to progress but rn I just want to be holding the person I loved and still love so dearly. All I want is to feel that feeling again and it just feels grey without her. Please take me back,Depression +41291,je pense supprimer twitter parce que bonjour la d pression ici y a de personnes joyeuses dans votre tl vous,Depression +19386,I have pretty much always been depressed. Like since I could remember. When I was little I was always a little sad but never to that extreme but as I got older every day gets harder and harder. I am a teen and online schooled. Whenever I get out of bed (if i do at all) getting work done is the last thing on my mind. I just have this terrible brain fog and I have trouble processing everything around me. My room is so messy I can barely walk through it. It is not dirty like gross or anything but everything I own is scattered across my floor. I am to tired to take care of myself and I cannot even hold a conversation without getting angry. I am on medication that actually helps quite a bit so I have no clue what it would be like without it. I try to find a therapist but whenever I go it is like I temporarily trick myself into thinking that I am fine and completely refuse to go. Many of my friends are going off to college and I do not have the energy to maintain a long distance friendship or make new ones. I am falling behind in every aspect of my life. I try to make systems to help myself out but I wish I could just have someone come and put my pieces back together so that I can resume life. I have lost all my ambition and I do not know what to do anymore. Does anyone know what I can do. My life is a mess,Depression +10669,"I am not sure if this is the right place to post it but summer started recently and my and 2 of my friends go, i have type one diabetes and keratosis pilaris , when we go they usually wear shorts and a tshirt but i feel uncomfortable wearing shirts as it leaves my arms out and I am insecure about those bu having keratosis pilaris all over my body so when we go i usually wear a long sleeve top in and joggers in 30 degree weather, i feel like they fuel it more, they know ik insecure about my KP and t1d but they use it against me when we have the little arguments i usually just shut up after that, they were friends together before i joined them and i really do not have anyone else to go too if i do retaliate when they go too far with the jokes i have told them so many times i do not want to hear it but they always keep it, they do not argue with eachother it always feels like they gang up on me on EVERYTHING , everything it feels like I am restricted i. What i wear since if my FRIENDS are saying this stuff about me and making me feel like shit ahout it then what are strangers going to say, i do not know what to do and its stopping me fron seeing them as much, also in 15 Hiding my insecurities",Depression +14064,"I am just looking for someone to hear me out and be nice. Bad day, bad week, no I think bad year is more accurate. Looking for someone to talk to.",Depression +22635,"I do not truly know my own sexuality. Whenever I am in a relationship, it always feels wrong. I push people away because I do not want to hurt them when I figure out that I am not going to be interested in them. It feels like it is just me and that I am just not destined to be with someone.Is it just me? I have been diagnosed with depression and mild autism, and I have heard that is a common thread, but it feels like it is just me. I do not even know if it is worth living a life where I am deluding myself that I will find someone. I tell everyone in this sub that they will find someone, because that is what I tell myself. I do not even know if that is true anymore. Forever alone",Depression +10929,"Someone gave me one of those cool modern floating entertainment centers, the kind that is basically a rectangle with two boards in the center to divide it into cubbies.Hanging it should not be a problem for me, i work with tools 6 days a week, i know what I am doing usually. But not today, i do not even know where to start. I just feel so overwhelmed and cannot even think. could not find my stud finder so spent 30 minutes looking for a shirt to go to home depot, and just kept staring at my laundry basket but not even going through it to find one. I just cannot function today Just been staring at my shelf for an hour",Depression +39703,ive been suicidal for a long time now ive actually pussied out twice now and no one know i have a s o but because of no free time we only really see each other at school which is not the place to cry every time we try and plan something someone s parent are always there so it s never really safe to just vent alone and my parent are half the problem i face constant pressure for my sport from my mother meaning i barely have free time in fact ive barely been free at all this year with the exception of a few weekend and day in a holiday period even then i m usually busy at some point either the next weekend or every other time in the holiday my father left when i wa five but that s a whole other story the reason he left ha been bothering me for so long and despite how much he talk good about other thing i do he belief that i shouldn t follow any dream and should just become a lawyer and im too scared to talk back a he ha beat me before for littler thing neither of them believe that they are problematic and if i told them they would blame each other which would only make me feel worse every day i get closer to truly killing myself but i don t want to make my friend sad,Depression +19867,"I have tried everything, different medications, meditating, talking with a therapist weekly. And my doctor even labeled me as a anomaly. How am I supposed to find solace in someone else dealing with what I am if no one even knows what is wrong with me? I am sick of never enjoying anything, I am sick of constant thoughts that are not mine 24-7. I am sick of crying over simple things for no reason. And I am sick of feeling like an outcast, I am done. I have given up",Depression +7627,"Ugh, I wish I did not need medication to maintain my mood. I am so low today I do not want to do anything, but I have to be a present parent. I want to not feel like a hopeless mess anymore! I want to be able to achieve my goals finally and stop allowing my brain to lose interest in them. I just want to be functional. Not going to cry. Not going to cry. Not going to cry.... Missed my Zoloft last night and now I am back in my hole today.",Depression +25762,I woke up today and tried to play a game I used to play a lot and I cannot even do that anymore. I just want so sleep more but I know it will not make me feel any better. No matter how much I sleep I am still so exhausted.,Depression +38604,am i the only one that wish humanity would just die out i fucking hate this place and i hate people and i hate society i m very sick and very close to going out into the wood and hanging myself what is the point of any of this bullshit,Depression +25874,When to stop crying? I do not think I care anymore. I feel nauseous and headache and a little twinge of chest pain. Is that a grief problem? I just do not want to get sick. I know people going to treat me differently. I cannot stop crying. I sorry I do not mean to spam. I just cannot stop thinking about my dad. I do not know what to do we cannot afford to burry him. I put up a fundraiser without talking to my sister and other family because I do not want him to be cremated. I am a little panicking right now because I do not know if everyone know he gone or not and that is a horrible way to find put a love has pass on. I am not really thinking right now. My head hurts. I am not as well spoke and smart like the others I just want to help. When it happens to you,Depression +19428,"I am 24 F know that ill neevr be enough for them. I do not know but this is not related to this group, but i have my depression , i really hate myself and i do not think i should go on anymore. I hope you guys will have your happiness unlike mine. But maybe this is the end. Still not enough",Depression +38972,for the past few day i ve been dealing with extreme bout of anxiety i feel anxious all day nausea all day and i cant seem to stop thinking about negative thought i ve been dealing with a lot of ups and down regarding school and romantic relationship i keep skipping school because my anxiety is way too high i dont know how to calm it down i want to see a psychologist but right now it very hard to get to see one so i ll need all any advice you have thank you,Depression +11861,"What can I do to escape from this feeling?I feel fear of how to be alive because I lost and I do not have any confidence to overcome any of the struggle in life. I feel like I suck at everything.I quit my job again my superviser hates me because I hate that job desperately and he figured that out. I just thought that work was like a totally waste of time I just need some amount of money. And he talked too much stuff meaningless every single day. He was the most talkative person ever I have met in my life and what he said hurts me a lot. he had the opposite perspective for everything like what is the meaningful and how to live, etc. He always tried to persuade me and urge me to agree to his opinion. I eventually lost my patience. I could not stand anymore that situation repeated everyday so I quit.I do not know why but I still feel tired. just tired and depressed because I know that I fail to deal with that difficulties again to become a person well-communicated. I failed again. I feel empty",Depression +9601,All instagram does is make me frustrated and ungrateful for what I do have. This world is so unfair and I am so ungrateful i cannot take it,Depression +40482,royroycfc lfcbbc within three tweet you have exhibited of the stage of grief it s okay i can provide a helpline before you enter the depression stage if you want,Depression +39873,a girl i absolutely love left me and doesnt want me to be apart of her life at all anymore due to too many argument in the relationship she lost her trust in me but i cant seem to get all the memory of u out of my head i love her and it hasnt gotten any easier i just dont know if i can handle the pain much longer,Depression +14179,"Got out of bed at noon. Just sitting on my phone. do not even feel like going to the bathroom, combing my hair or making my coffee. I have court in two days and I am terrified about screwing up, and the judge ruling against me and my attorney seeing me as a waste of time.I am pet sitting now and feel like I should be happy. The pressure is on to clean before I leave as this is someone elses house. I suck at cleaning. I want the pain to stop. So tired of it. do not even care",Depression +40219,i ve tried everything i can think of or have been forced into and i m not getting better i m failing every class because i can t get myself to show up my parent are sick of me and trying to get me sent away my mom telling everyone i know about how i m such a pain in the as everybody is telling me to get my as up and get over it but i feel like nobody get me i am so tired and so done,Depression +25404,"I want someone who will be close with me, share secrets and trust in me to be their one. I am married, my husband does talk to me about things that bother him but he also talks to all of his buddies at work and honestly anyone else that will listen. I am not like that. I have a therapist and I still even hold back with her. My ""best"" friends from school always had someone else that they leaned on more. Now that I am older, I do not really have friends, just coworkers and family that have their own people. My sister-in-law just told me something very important and I was like the 20th down her list of important people. Our brother and sister-in-law were the first that she went to because she is closer to them.Is there something wrong with me? Am I being too jealous and envious? I am so jealous and broken feeling because I do not have someone. If I tell my husband anything, he has to tell someone else because he cannot hold it in. He dwells on it and has to talk it out. Wanting Attention",Depression +47194,"Constantly held back by not feeling worthy of getting better. I've been depressed for a few years now. I don't feel totally lost. Somewhere inside me, I still have hope, I still have a real belief that it's possible for me to feel normal and happy again. But there's a much stronger feeling, an overwhelmingly powerful one, that even if I *could* be happy again, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve support from others, I don't deserve to make small gains for myself. Every time I start to move in a positive direction, every time others give me advice and offer help, every time it seems like I'm finally digging myself out of the hole.... I stop myself. I hurt myself. I don't let myself get better, because I feel like I don't deserve to be better. + +I hate it. It feels totally inescapable. No matter what progress or advantage I'm giving, I end up deliberately damaging it and tossing it away, because I can't escape the feeling that I deserve nothing but suffering, that it's an injustice to the world if I get better. + +Does anyone else feel this way? Is there any way to feel worthy?",Depression +12046,"When i was born til now, I am usually bad at interacting with my friends, cannot keep up with my study, thinking over the top of my head. So i know that something is wrong with me and it makes me feel depressed. On multiple occasion i told them about my condition and all the time they just told me I am too weak, their face look slightly annoyed and they just never talk about it again. Hence the fact that i never have the chance to go to therapy and i just will not tell them about my conditions again to make them feel good about themselves My family do not care",Depression +10591,"I am nearing my 23rd birthday and I am losing hope that I will ever shake this depression. I burned a lot of bridges last year due to a manic episode and since then I have shut down to the outside world. I moved far away and got a decent job, but there are no advancement opportunities.I do not have a social life nor do I possess the will to change that. The only thing I enjoy in life is eating. I will probably have diabetes if I keep up my current diet. I have no more aspirations and few desires. Either I am working on sitting on the couch watching a show. My brain feels utterly empty. I have trouble remembering basic things and I do not feel anything anymore. I am beginning to think that I will never recover from this. A part of me does not want to get better either. I am fucked. I do not think I am going to get better",Depression +14790,"for background, my dad commited suicide when i was 13, since then its just been me (16m) and my mum. she deals with her own anxiety and depression, I have been dealing with anxiety since i was a kid but finding secure support for either of us was just never possible so its been eating away for years. we made a promise when my dad died that we would stay and support eachother forever, despite this my anxiety got worse since he died and i developed a lot of security issues. i do not know if there is any official word for it but i just cannot trust the world, i have problems being around strangers, i cannot be left alone without someone trusted nearby, ill go into panic at the thought of my mum just going to the bathroom and leaving me for a few minutes. I have had this mindset since i was a kid, from where i do not know, but naturally it got worse when my dad left. this has caused a lot of problems between me and my mum, she wants to have a social life, a job, just freedom in general but because of me, she cannot. she had to quit her job at the end of 2019 because i could not cope with being alone for a few hours after school, she got a new job in 2020 but for most of lockdown i had to live with my grandmother and leave my mum at home because she was working a lot and i could not spend my time alone at school. she always has to drag me out with her on walks because i cannot be alone at home for 30 minutes, I am currently seeing a counseller and trying to be alone more often as practice but the pressure of trying to get better is to put it simply overwhelming. i feel selfish and guilty but i cannot seem to get over it.pressure in general is what i feel is the root of my sadness, i just know I am not going to get better and would rather just have never existed. just not having to feel anything and sleep forever had always been a dream. i read recently on these kind of thoughts and came across active and passive suicidal thoughts, i do not know how official these are but while i do not have any active thoughts at the moment, I am scared for the day that they do become active. it was not until i started reading about it that i realised I have been thinking like this for years, never wanting to have existed. i feel like my dad kind of took away my opportunity to die, and if it was not for him leaving my mum alone i would have had the chance to leave knowing my mum and dad would still have eachother to cope. but thinking of the side effects on my family has trapped me into not wanting to die but not wanting to live either. i just do not want to exist",Depression +14268,I have a fear of going crazy. I had a huge panic attack when I was about to kill myself last year and everything felt unreal and I felt crazy. I hate that feeling.For some reason I am now reading triggering stories about suicide and people going crazy due to how low they are. I do not know why. I cannot stop crying and my head hurts. I am so scared. Triggering myself.,Depression +40638,not having clothes is sending me into a state of depression that ion like,Depression +47933,"Why can’t my life be straightforward i took a gap yr i fumbled my first semester at school and im not smart enough to even do a STEM degree everything else is seen as “useless” degrees and those same useless degrees are the only thing i’m passionate abt, but i don’t know if im smart enough to transfer to those either. everyone else’s life seems so straight forward, they go to uni and make tons of friends and then get a great job but my life is a huge convoluted mess i spent all day today trying to think of solutions , im finally trying to be pragmatic instead of crying and feeling trapped and fuck me it is hard",Depression +15768,Welp fuck it everything I do gets put on the back burner unless I have to go to work. Its always something else (example: one of my cousins has a game they need to go to they will get first priority over me.) I am trying to get my high school diploma threw a trade school program and that gets shot down every fucking time so I am done I am taking myself out of the program and work shitty jobs till I die. I was going for my dreams and they got shot down and burned out of existence. WHILE MY COUSINS AND SIBLINGS CAN GO FOR THEIR FUCKING DREAMS WHILE I GET LOOKED AT AS A FUCKING MISTAKE I WAS FUCKING FORCED TO DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL TO LOOK AFTER MY MOMS FATHER AND FUCKING ABUSED BY HIM SO FUCK IT THEY CAN LAUGH ALL THEY WANT TILL THEY FIND OUT WHEN I MOVE OUT OF THE SHIT HOLE I am IN they will GET NOTHING FROM ME AT ALL. NO MONEY NOT EVEN A FUCKING LETTER UNLESS ITS TO TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A TREE. I am DONE WITH THIS SHIT I have not EVEN GOTTEN MY FUCKING TEMPS I WENT ONCE AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS 18 NOW I am 22 AND STILL NOTHING SO FUCK IT I am A MISTAKE AND I will ALWAYS BE THIS WAY. Fuck my life,Depression +25201,"It was the only thing that *internally* made my symptoms better. I finally had energy to get up and go, to get tasks done. It made my already short fuse microscopic. I took it for 2 years with a couple of breaks, and only after being off of it for 7 months, I realize I was basically in a hypomanic state the whole time I took it. I was not myself, but at least I could actually get out of bed in the morning. Zoloft made me manic as well. I am afraid to take anything but I desperately need it. My therapist does not think I am bipolar since my mania has been exclusively triggered by meds.. so I feel completely helpless. My depression is currently eating me alive but I have every intention of helping myself, I just do not know what to do. Can anyone relate? Wellbutrin (Bupropion) turned me into a monster",Depression +18911,"A girl i met with 3 times is making me feel like a piece of trash the first painful thing she said to me (after just 2 dates) was that she does not know is she wants to be with someone ""so attentive to her"" (i said how i was in my tinder profile) i did things like asking if she is comfortable, (in the first date just the first 2 hours i asked if i can kiss her) etc, after that i told her i was going to meet my friend and she told me 1 hour before to meet, she also told me to meet her at 7:20 am to take her bus together and she told me when we exist from it that she met a friend, i cheered this girl, and after a few minutes of walking to her practices place she said goodbye to me like hey see you later, it hurted, she presented me to her, as a friend who casually found in the street a moment ago, another day she told me to meet i said that it was ok but i needed time to be ready (things like shaving taking a shower etc) in that moment she changed her mind, she told me today also that she will be in another city from tomorrow until sunday (which i think she did not told me before but maybe i forgot it because maybe she told me it the first date and i was so nervous), she says also that she do not know when she will meet me again because in a few months she has an oppositions examAm i overreacting? i am really sad this girl is the only one who kissed me, we did hand holding, too pls help She makes me feel even more depressed, but am i wrong? it is ok to be mad at her?",Depression +39834,my therapist and psychiatrist say they can t fire me if i follow the protocol and that the program will help me work while doing iop the iop program would only be hour a day on day a week so i could still work part of the time could my job fire me for doing iop worst case scenario i would be able to bounce back but it would be difficult,Depression +13789,"I am not doing well at work. I fight off intrusive thoughts mostly all day, and I am constantly exhausted. I really just want to drop everything and walk away from it.I do not have a lot of money, just enough to pay rent for a few months. I really want to enact squatters rights on a property, but paying property taxes requires I generate an income.I feel like I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do. I am so tired of working. Job-searching is fucked, too. I just do not want to work anymore.I get to be psychiatrically evaluated next month. I am just trying to hang on until then. Everything is a foggy swirl and I have a hard time thinking and planning all 24 hrs of the day. What do I do? Do I leave my job? Asking for some advice?",Depression +39387,i have anxious attachment style and i have autism a well i m and i ve never had a relationship last more than month at this point i feel no one gon na understand or love me and i ll be alone forever do girl not like guy that are clingy and sensitive do i have to change,Depression +12265,I thought things would have changed or developed by now I am depressed because my life is not going anywhere,Depression +38550,my brain just doesn t work i almost feel retarded with this costant foggy brain feeling that i have my head is completely foggy i can t even do simple task properly such a making the bed drive ecc i need to read a sentence multiple time before getting it now everytime i try to do these thing my brain just can t concentrate on the step to do them and i end up feeling even more depressed how is this possible my executive function is fully impaired at this point i ve been dealing with this shit since two year at least and i m just a shadow of what i used to be,Depression +25452,"What the title says. Gosh I do not even know what specifically it is I am excited about, but I just wanted to share!! I have missed this feeling for so so long and to feel it again is beyond wonderful :) I am feeling excited again",Depression +14449,"I do not know if a lot of you experience this but nothing infuriates me more when I am having an episode or in a depressive state and I end up having to comfort the person who wants to talk about it with me. I hate hearing I wish you would talk to me/why would not you just talk to meI hate when I open up about how unhappy I am and end up having to walk on eggshells because I do not want to make someone feel like they are not enough reason to be happy in life I hate when people who **know** about how I am still interpret my silence and numb mood as rudeness or not caring, sometimes selfishnessAbove all I hate hearing I do not know what to do anymore, I am trying to help you but- Comforting people for my bad mood",Depression +47396,"Suicidal thoughts won’t stop creeping in and I feel I may put myself in real danger. Tonight I (f29) drove 85mph in a 35 zone and kept digging into the gas pedal in the pouring rain until I came to my senses and decided to slow down. I know this road well so I knew many sharp corners were coming my way and that going that fast may actually kill me and I may very well topple my top heavy SUV over. + +I want to live but I don’t have any will left in me either. I have chronic illness which prevents me from working, I feel useless. A burden to my family, society and am constantly judged because I don’t “look sick”. Besides this incident tonight I dream of finally ending it all, daydream about it. Think about it constantly. It scared me. I haven’t been in this dark of a place in roughly 18 years. + +I’m afraid to seek more help. I don’t want to get “locked up”. + +Help…",Depression +11833,"A year ago, I used to talk to people and express myself pretty easily, and whenever Id say something the words would not feel fake, or they would mean what I would say. But ever since school started, last year I have become a husk of what i used to be, I cannot really motivate myself to do anything at all, especially communicate with others, I used to have an urge to talk to others and try to be funny, but it feels like I lost all of that, I feel hollow constantly, and I do not have any personality anymore, whenever I am on call with someone it feels like I am just pretending to be an interesting person, and when I run out of things to say, my mind is empty, and I just sit on call in silence, trying to desperately think of something interesting to say or hold onto. I am talking to this girl and I feel like she is losing interest because of my nonexistent communication skills and its hurting me a lot, I have lost my personality pretty much, I feel like a robot or something trying to imitate a human. Please anyone with advice I need it I feel like I have lost my personality, and I cannot communicate like I used to",Depression +25322,Maybe I am a lost soul who happened to be thrown to this world. All I want is to loose conscious and Rest In Peace for eternity I really do not get the point,Depression +39267,i wonder if someone else feel the same and maybe someone here ha already found way to overcome it i live in small town now but in the past i lived in the big city and had no problem with height it just started several year ago i am afraid of entering building which is very tall i can t go beyond th floor without strong anxiety even going to the city and looking at all super high building make me quite anxious so far my anxiety is somehow manageable but i am afraid it may get worse in future since i avoid going to the city a much a possible i do not live in the city so sadly i can t practice and be exposed to my fear will i feel any relief after guided visualization any advises,Depression +41153,pogba sur son niveau catastrophique c tait mourinho quand jos est partie il mets a sur le compte de la d pression mdrrr,Depression +23270,"If it was a guarantee I would kill myself, I 100% would, but the fear of waking up with brain damage keeps me from doing it. Nothing about life interests me, I feel utter hatred for most people and things. How am I supposed to keep going when at 22 I am over it all? Feeling like I am forced to live",Depression +10733,"I am always poor, and broke. I just cannot find anyone to love. If everything is painful, what is the point of being around? what is the point if everything is painful",Depression +9341,"I have had depression/anxiety symptoms since I was a teenager. I just kept telling myself that ""as soon as X happens, then maybe I will enjoy life again."" I am 35 now, been through therapy, on medication, and my feelings are still not changing. I do not really like anything anymore except for self harming behaviors. Every time I leave my house it is a chore. I have all my needs met, a job I do not hate, even a life partner. However, I still wish to go to sleep and never wake up. When will I feel like my life is worth living? When I am 40, 50, 70?! It seems a cruel joke that I have now roped in my SO into a life I never really wanted in the first place. I just cannot remember ever feeling like I belong here, and at this point I do not know that I will. Ok, but when does it get better?",Depression +38289,i never really noticed or i guess wa aware of my depression until a few year ago when i really started losing motivation and interest in my hobby i am a full time university student who work job and right now this depression ha taken a peak i live alone in a bedroom apartment with my dog my living situation is shit but it s not shit my apartment management renovating the entire building so i have drilling throughout the day which suck cause i work night and midnight so when i do need to sleep i can t i want to move out but i can t because i m literally paying cheaper than a bachelor s apartment anywhere else then there s school i don t even know why i m in school at this point i had a plan and dream for myself in high school and honestly my parent ruined that for me when i took my year off and chose to stay home just so i could move out they really made sure to make me feel like shit which just made me feel like shit throughout the four year of me being in university i m supposed to be graduating in spring and i wa stupid enough to go home during the reading week which created a huge confrontation between my mother and i which my dad got involved soon after and it went downhill from there i ended up leaving early and honestly after coming back from my parent house it s like my depression went on a downward spiral i used to have a little motivation to at least do the basic thing to help myself but i literally can t bring myself to do anything schoolwork is a drag and make me hate everyone one job i work at is completely great but i have had so many bad experience with being used by employer and fake employee that i m so pessimistic when i get there and i completely separate myself from other employee my second job is even worse because while i don t want to communicate in my first job my second job no one speaks english like literally the entire store is all people from another country it s kind of ridiculous because training is non existent i literally would be standing around if it wasn t for me having past experience working in the same kind of field the employee turnover is ridiculous and the supervisor when they can communicate to me only complain about how they are only working there so because of their visa but once they are full citizen they leave the hour go by so long and working in complete silence frustrating to the point where i had to start wearing earphone while i work and listen to music anyways after typing all of this i know i won t read it over so sorry for any mistake or thing that aren t clear i think honestly i m just too pessimistic and making excuse for myself but this feeling i have in me and the way everything in life is just so upsetting the breakdown and all the fucking cry like i m so over it and i just want to either be content or at least have some kind of method to get through all of this i m so exhausted and i feel like i keep getting the short end of the stick every time,Depression +25314,What if I am not meant for any of this? I do well in one part of my life and another part fails. I cannot do it all. I do not know why. What if I just suck?,Depression +41046,martingommel f hle so mit dir beim einschlafen immer flashback nachts manchmal panikattacken und beim aufwachen wieder nen flashback wa mir geholfen hat war eine psychotherapie mit traumatherapie inhalten dadurch ist e zumindest am tag besser geworden die chronische depression,Depression +41483,oh hey it s the depression hour,Depression +12619,"**We are looking for candidates to contribute to our online forum** to connect and share your experiences with CBD, possibly making you one of the few individuals who have access to the diverse range of audiences and high-traffic exposure NobleCanni offers. We provide NobleCanni contributors:* The opportunity to publish a promotional guest post on our high-traffic blog with SEO backlinks* Access to diverse audiences and warm leads* Opportunity to share your story with like minded individuals We are looking for those who have used CBD as a remedy for their depression to share their experiences and to build long-term, mutually beneficial partnerships with. We hold candidates to a high standard and expect productive civil discussion. NobleCanni is extending this opportunity to a select few individuals, giving you the chance to invest in a meaningful, long-term partnership at the ground floor of a revolutionary startup company. You can access the forum through our website [ Best regards,NobleCanni Contributors",Depression +10232,"I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and chronic major depression. I am basically a crazy bridge burner during my episodes. For a while I honestly thought I was getting better - I am taking my meds, managing my mood swings, and enjoying my time alone (mainly because I stayed away from forming friendships, expecting the cycle to happen all over again, e.g. losing friends and burning bridges during an episode).But then an ex-friend from the past messages me and is pretty much hell bent on bringing me down (Virgos can be vicious). Now I am just done having a cry fest for an hour and telling myself I am a horrible human being and just wanting to die.Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I had a friend I could tell that I am suffering. That I am sad, I am scared, I am lonely, and that I wish I was dead. I do not need comforting words telling me I will be okay and it will get better. I just want someone to listen and know that I am in pain. How to handle suffering when you are alone",Depression +48024,"I literally have no one I have family but they dont understand my depression nor anything else since they grew up dealing with different things. My only sibling is not close to me, I guess he has enough friends and idk. He is very social and popular unlike me, i dont aspire to be him this is just why he never talks to me. +The only friend I have, she is a nice human being dont get me wrong, but she as well does not understand my depression. + +I dont want them to heal me we dont even need to talk about the depression I just want someone who gets me. + +I heard someone from class talk to his father on the phone once and they were talking about his studies. But really, he was telling his father what topic we had and how the teacher formulated mean questions in the exam and that he was confused so he would probs not get a high grade but he hoped to pass. His dad replied to not worry much just hope for the best and the dad is also working in the field we study. They understood each other +Everything about that convo was beautiful + +And I wish I had that",Depression +12760,Two of my friends just attempted suicide In the past two days and I was planning earlier on in the week but I stoped myself for some reason. anyway I just need some support I just need to talk,Depression +38915,i had a meeting that i knew wa going to go well but i couldn t control my breathing and my heart rate wa insane i wa filling time with some paperwork but i couldn t focus i tried box breathing and it didn t work forgot to try grounding technique but will moving forward just to mention this pre event anxiety is normal a a kid going to birthday party made me anxious happens all the time still but this is the first time i just couldn t breathe this wa such a worrying experience i have something to actually worry about tomorrow and i hope it doesn t go the same way i honestly don t think it will because my body seems to react to adrenaline differently based on specific situation i am stressed thinking about it now or stressed because i m stressed maybe a soon a i sat down in that meeting i wa completely fine thought it might have been a combination of walking too fast and then my body not recovering from a weird breathing pattern but then i wa walking the same way later completely fine i ve been sighing all day which is what i tend to do when i am stressed i am trying to get help but yeah thing aren t moving along very well i m going to make an appointment with my therapist a soon a possible we are working together on an unrelated issue but i think we ll benefit from talking about it also worried about an upcoming wisdom teeth surgery anyway going to go cry so i can get some of this out of my system,Depression +13074,"Hey you all. was not sure if it was better to post here or a different sub, but, I am struggling. A lot. I am currently taking 150mg Wellbutrin XL, 20mg Adderall XR +15 IR and roughly 1mg per day Suboxone. I was an opiate addict for about 4 years, started taking Suboxone last September, and now I am trying to get off it. I tried quitting it cold turkey a couple weeks ago and only made it 8 days because my depression just became absolutely crippling and I was having constant thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, lack of motivation, etc.So, I got back on the suboxone and now I am slowly tapering (for those of you who do not know, Suboxone is extremely strong, very hard to get off, and withdrawals have severe mental symptoms and last weeks to months). I know I will not make it unless I can figure out my depression. I know I need to force myself to start exercising daily, but I need to start doing other things while tapering so that when I finally get off suboxone, I am not a total wreck like I was when I tried to quit cold turkey last time.I know this is long, and I am sorry, but if anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it. I was thinking maybe looking into adding an SSRI, possibly one to take at night to help me sleep (another thing I suffered with while withdrawing), but honestly, I am not really sure. I just know I need to do something.TLDR: Opiate addict, been in recovery via suboxone for a year-ish, now trying to taper off, but struggling with depression already which becomes significantly worse when getting off the suboxone. What do? Suggestions for bettering my depression/adding another med?",Depression +15203,I thought I was over this but life has not changed in years for me I am still tired and sad from growing up to fast and now working everyday at a job I hate. I have been trying to find motivation but nothing has gotten me to truly feel great and worth it. I always wanted to start dating someone but I am scared that they will not be worth my time and just make things more difficult. My parents are always ridiculing me on not being good enough and it just hurts even more. I have gotten so low again I have started cutting myself because I feel like I need to punish myself for being an absolute fool of a human. The only thing stopping me from putting a bullet through my skull is my religious values. Covid opened up a new world for me it showed that I could work every day and not even make a close amount of money to people on unemployment who sit at home on there asses all day. I feel like if there is one more factor in my life that will stress me out then that will be it. I wish I could have enjoyed my younger years more. Now I am all grown up with a hellish schedule and people who could care less about me than the size of there turds. I am shorter than the average man to and women so I am very weak and always looked down upon. Once a man at work looked at me and said that I should smile more. I told him there is nothing to smile about. Back to self harming again,Depression +22751,"I confided in my husband that I feel trapped in my existence, and that I think everyone except my son would be better off without me but he needs me so I am here. My husband then started yelling and cussing at me, screaming at me to man up and grow some balls and yelled repeatedly to me to leave him and go away and called me fucking pathetic. I cannot even describe how alone and depressed I am and how much worse that made things and reinforced all my beliefs about my useless sad existence. I confided in my husband and it made things even worse",Depression +10094,"So, I am a 24 y old blind person, and this is my first post, sorry if I cannot get everything out correctly. But, if I could be honest, I feel done with everything.I have not been able to get out of the house due to kovid concerns and the fact I live in bumb fuck nowhere, I live with my parents, the whole racest and sexest bullshit, the negativity in everything I watch now, its just, ugh.I have tried writing to get my mind off of it, but it has not really helped as of late, same goes for reading.I honestly do not know what to do.I just feel like I have no feuture. I am so tired",Depression +14252,"Today I just realized how much of a monster I have become. My vacuum cleaner went bust and my BF and I were looking at options. I was torn between 2 models. I wanted the more expensive one because it had all the functions I every wanted but not needed. The cheaper one was just what we always had. We got the cheaper one, and I was really disappointed. Of course I helped paid for it.We then discussed household improvements. Replacing broken aircon units, installing ceiling fans to reduce aircon use. Replacing a deteriorating refrigerator. Many other little things and big things. All, in my mind, pretty important stuff. Some necessary, some quality of life changes. But We cannot afford it.I am crushed. Despite saving for several years, I do not even have enough for my meds. I have been getting bare minimum wage for a job I have worked 7 years for with no raise in sight. People in my position usually get at least 70% more than what I am earning, but here I am, earning less than a fresh graduate joining their first job. despite more experience, despite more responsibilities.I asked if our parents would help even a little. Maybe help us get a good contractor they trust, maybe a little financial help. I got shot down. Specially by my own family.that is when it hit me. I have become an entitled monster. I want things, and I wanted people to pay for it and give it to me like I deserved it. I wanted to demand a pay raise even though I probably do not deserve it. I keep wanting more than what I can afford, spending above my means, expect people to do it for me just so I can be happy. I have turned into a monster. Like all those entitled Karen out there that think the world owes them. I am now one of them, I was probably always one of them.No wonder my mother called me an entitled spoilt brat that is useless. That I am a waste of space and should not have been born. No wonder that old boss screamed at that its all my fault, that I am useless and always wrong. They both say I will never be entitled to anything. I will always be the scum of the earth. I am disgusting, a disappointment, a monster. And they knew it. And now I know it.I am pampered and spoilt for wanting people to help pay for what I want. I do not deserve a pay raise because I am not good enough and will never be good enough no matter how hard or how much I try and do. They know I am a monster, and monsters do not deserve anything. I am useless, hopeless, waste of space and everything is always my fault.I do not want to live anymore. Everyone will be happier without me. And there will be one less monster in the world.I am going to OD myself with every single med I have when everyone goes out.You will not have to deal with a monster anymore. They were right all along.Good bye. I am a monster",Depression +10526,"My life sucks, and I cannot imagine it changing for the better. I hate where I live, I do not feel welcome here. My family look at me like I am a burden they need to get rid of. I do not know what I am doing with my life, I do not have money and I do not know what I am doing with work and school. I feel like I am a waste of space who is never going to accomplish anything. I just want things to be different, I do not want to be here anymore Feeling like there is no way out",Depression +9275,Are there any psychiatrists worth a damn in San Diego? Looking for second opinion in San Diego,Depression +16024,"Hi there, I have had a couple of episodes of depression over the last few years but I understand that everyone is experience is different. A few years ago I made friends with someone who also suffered with depression but more severely. I did as much as I could to help but unfortunately they did something to hurt me - not intentionally but it hit me pretty hard. Anyway we carried on for a bit longer until one day we had an argument. Then I felt like things had changed - they stopped communicating, became quite avoidant. I did manage to arrange a talk with them - all I got from them was that they had gone in to protective mode, they had their guard up and they did not want to hurt me because that would hurt them. I did ask them if they still wanted me in their life and they said obviously yes. However things did not really improve after a month - I could see that they were getting closer to a mutual friend - almost like they were replacing me with them. I tried to speak to them again but they just shut me down (they were in a bad place at the time). They did apologise but then the next day they blocked me. I just want to see if anyone relates to any of those feelings because pushing people away is not something that I did when I was depressed so I want to understand a bit more of where they are coming from. I do not want to take it personally but I do find it quite hard sometimes. Pushed away",Depression +15954,"I have never been the person to talk abt my feelings or try and get help but I have reached a point in my life that if i do not get help soon i will not make it, the only thing keeping me here is my family but one day i fear that is not going to be enough. I quit my job because my panic attacks have gotten so bad, I am not in school because i cannot focus on anything for longer than a few minutes i cannot sleep until the sun comes up and no matter how much sleep i get I am permanently exhausted. I spend all day everyday in my room with no one to talk to, and I am just tired I am so tired, i need more than it will get better I am afraid of myself",Depression +26154,"All my friends are in relationships and moving on with their lives. Feels like I will never find someone. Family pressure does not make it any better and they just make me feel like a massive unlovable loser. I honestly feel like something is wrong with me. And I hate that I feel jealous of my friends. Friends dating and moving on (28F, south Asian)",Depression +12740,"Anybody else feel like there dog/cat is the only thing that stops them. My pets I feel as there the only thing stopping me, then Ill tell myself they would be better off without me. I try not to feel like this but to this point the emotions the thoughts have me think why is this worth it if I cannot even make myself happy. The thoughts just keep coming and i just think down about myself and I just isolate myself. cannot leave the house just feel that I should rot alone Alone.",Depression +20667,I do not know. Does this even make sense? I want to end my life but I am afraid what will happen after that. Nobody knows.,Depression +47450,"I feel stuck Hey everyone this is my first Reddit post lol. Anyways I’m currently in my first year of college in a big city. I’ve lived in a little town my whole life so the city itself is very overwhelming. I have adhd, many forms of anxiety, depression (obviously lol) and a slew of other mental disorders. I failed every class last semester mostly because I had a rough break up, and I thought at the beginning of the semester I’d do better. Which in a way I sorta did I’ve been taking more notes and stuff, but I’ve really been working on myself as a person more, and for a while a lot of my anxiety symptoms have been going away, but today I had a talk with my parents where they mentioned how I’d need to show them my grades and boom all of a sudden I’m back in my shitty little hole of overthinking. And yet again it looks like I might fail. I feel that college isn’t for me, but if I do t do college then what will I do for work I don’t wana live with my parents again, they are great but I need my space. I feel that I can’t be happy and get good grades, I don’t want to be who I am anymore I see a version of myself that I can be proud of but I need to work more towards it and I can’t do that and keep going to school because it’s too expensive. And socializing is hard enough for me so if I’m not on campus with people of similar age to me how will o ever find a person I want to spend my life with. I really dislike online dating but I’m worried that’s the only what I’ll find someone if I leave here I’m a hopeless romantic and I want to find someone in real life, like a meet cute or whatever they are called. Not to mention that I feel like a huge disappointment because no line of work really speaks to me, I want a job I’ll be happy in and will allow me to like a comfortable life. I honestly have no idea what I’d want for the future, all I want is a comfy house with a spouse who loves me and I’d be happy, but I don’t see that happening at all. I’ve got 2 frequents and neither of them can just listen to my problems without giving me their own experiences wich is nice but I wish they’d just shut up and listen. I don’t really want to die I just want to sorta fade out of existence, like being in a dream. I know death isn’t the right thing, I don’t want my family to have to burry me I just want these feelings to be quiet; I want to know that somewhere down the line I have the safety and love I dream of every night. I really don’t want the people I love to have to suffer but I can’t tell if life’s worth it. I know every one says oh it gets better but I’ve waited for it to get better for most of my life and guess what it’s not getting better. Ugh I really don’t care if no one reads this I just need red to think someone has heard me. And hey if you got through all that I deeply appreciate you, I hope you are having a better time than me lol.",Depression +39617,i d been free from suicidal ideation for a few month and am distraught to be back in a place of despair i started a new job a stepping stone to what i thought wa my career goal and it seems to be something i m not cut out for emotionally i m a behavior therapist and my client honestly disturb me sometimes have me feeling depressed a i feel there s no hope for them this is very frustrating because this is my third career path and i m only my sleep quality is dipping severely a of late the time in which my brain is supposed to heal i m seemingly unable to eat consistently binging then fasting over and over my new therapist doesn t seem to be much help i m a recovering alcoholic and addict but i m finding myself craving to escape with substance it s not an option however because it would grant me homelessness a i m currently in a sober home it s hard to connect to people i m in a very self critical mindset lately judging my word after every interaction i have i m even feeling internal homophobia i feel this may be the sign of a positive internal reset and spiritual awakening but it s overwhelming nothing feel comfortable right now something snapped in my psyche at year old four year ago and i ve essentially been miserable since i wa diagnosed bipolar type i this mean without medication or proper self care i e sleep i can have an episode of severe depression or mania wherein my mind work in overdrive and it may feel good in fleeting moment but is ultimately disastrous to my life while manic i ve ruined my credit score crashed car and ruined relationship through verbal violence that is a byproduct of my lowered inhibition at this time with sobriety medication and meditation i had been doing well but with a new fork in the road in regard to my career terrible sleep with disturbing and stressful nightmare and utter confusion and frustration a a result i can t even bring myself to suicidality because i ve tried it quite a few time pill other type of pill intentional carbon monoxide poisoning cutting major artery and more pill with alcohol life just seems to be an endless series of pain and suffering i feel like getting in my car and driving i want to drive to a remote area in a state that is foreign to me park my car and just walk starve to death find a cliff and enjoy the sight of a new scene while i m at it what scare me is surviving and being more miserable with a set back that is typically what happens thanks for reading,Depression +38752,what can i do to help me with chest pain and uncomfortable chest please im desesperate,Depression +47331,everything has been pissing me off i hate everything. everyone. even the ones I love,Depression +16950,"Everyday I get up and go to work, I shove food into my face and shower, I have no love for anything in my daily life, I hate everything and if I had the choice I would end it tomorrow... but there is this girl she is black and I am a whitie she does not shave, does what she wants, wakes me up at odd hours because she has to go to the bathroom, will straight up be an intolerable bitch unless I give her treats on specific occasions or take her on specific trips. Because she has been here as my best friend for 13 years and she is growing old, she is a constant reminder of the time I wished to kill myself even on the worst days she is there, panting and pawing at me, she will slap me to make room for her while sleeping, she will bully me into walks and into playing with her favorite toys, 13 years ago I promised myself I would live for her... and today I am scared of the future that is to come.. I have buried many animals in the dirt. I have buried my best of friends... but through it all she was there for me. I do not know how I will feel when it is finally my time to put her on her favorite hill. Today I am not a man, but a child scared of the what has to be and not what might be. I only have one reason to live my best life",Depression +24600,Has anyone tried this or know someone who has? It seems to have amazing results and great reviews. I have found a couple local places that offer it and have already emailed them for more information. I would just like to hear from people who have tried it or know more about it is results. Researching ketamine therapy,Depression +21502,"I cannot shake this feeling that my friend is using me to buy them things? I told them I already spent a gargantuan amount of money on my new car, a game for them, and some other essentials I need (such as meds etc., etc.,). Not to mention some other expensive things I have bought for them in the past. But they kept dismissing me saying Ill have the money by the holidays, when I tried to say no. They also said (and I am do not know if they were joking) that I cannot disappoint them this year. They also have not been on their medication lately so their playful insults come at me more often. Which honestly triggered my depression enough to contemplate well.... you know..I really do not know what to do.... I feel like my friend is using me for materialistic items and money...",Depression +47796,"I’m losing everything around me. I’ve been struggling with depression for a few years now, particularly when my mom passed 2 years ago. Yet this month has been brutal. I lost my dream job after 10 years there due to budget cuts. I know that I was one of the top performers there, but obviously that wasn’t visible to the person making that decision… Also this week my romantic partner whom I am completely in love with told me she isn’t interested in me anymore… I don’t understand why, but I’m also not surprised. I was reaching WAY above my station with her, so I always knew she would move on eventually, but it still broke my heart. I feel abandoned and alone… +Then on top of that, I constantly feel like a failure and a disappointment to the people who do love me. And like I’m a poison, slowly eating away at those around me and destroying my relationships. +I hate myself so much… I remember when I used to be happy, when I used to be confident, but that seems impossible these days…",Depression +7427,When I get told I am a good guy it sometimes drives me near to tears. I have been told how nice I am. How funny I am. How dependable. I have been told many times by different people these things so it must be true right? But I guess I am not good enough. If I was it would not be so hard to find and keep people in my life. I know it sounds self serving and all pity party but its how I feel and the thoughts in my head. I realize and understand that I am not a priority to anyone else. I just wish I knew there was someone out there who thought of me sometimes. A complement upsets me,Depression +9597,Its a pretty scary realization to have. Especially when it feels like there is no way out. So I could just play this script out for another 50 years... this should not be happening in a just reality. Oh there I go again with my lofty ideals. Nah fuck you reality. Suck my dick. My whole life is a sunk cost,Depression +27206,"I do not know how many of you experienced this symptom of depression but it fucking sucks. I lost all interest in maintaining any social contact and I have lost the ability to enjoy anything. I feel a bit like a psychopath. I do not want to talk to anybody or meet with them, I do not want to have sex or even hug, I do not want to do any of my hobbies. My face has a blank expression constantly. I know I hurt myself and other people with my behavior but I Just. do not. Care. Anhedonia anyone?",Depression +22652,"Besides like...living, you know. For me was sleeping and eating, and also working without several panic attacks during my shift. I would like to know your experience. I feel alone in this shit. WHAT ARE SOME THINGS DEPRESSION MADE HARD FOR YOU TO DO?",Depression +7774,"there is something i need to get off of my chestTo be honest I am impressed and with all do respect, i contest that I am not depressed.I have never been impressed when writing thingsAnd possessed to inevitably suppress all the addressed that is molested my headAllowing me to feel just a little more dead.Inside, i climb To try and reach my mindThe sublime chime of a cheap rhyme ill apply and provide to my aching and breaking blind mindIn an attempt to cover up the pain.But it never works it sticks to me like my name.It feels like i can never get away.I am tired of being here. its been establishedIts crystal clear that there is an imbalance taking place right in between my ears.But it feels so much more, so much unexplored.Is it wrong to hope tomorrow ill not wake up, left to explore the whore that is death on my cold concrete floor? Unhappy, Unsatisfied. And completely dead inside.",Depression +26575,"I am so tired of being around. I can smile and laugh throughout the day but inside, I am just exhausted. I am currently listening to promises by Jhene Aiko and her daughter in the song says I promise Ill be alright I always promised myself that Ill be alright but I am not alright. I do not know how to be alright. I am just tired of doing this on my own *sigh* I just want a break",Depression +23600,"I always feel so guilty when being sad. Like i have everything a kid could wish for- a roof over my head, (mostly) loving family etc. But i still cannot be happy. There are people with real problems, but for some reason, i think i have the right to be sad and that is fucking egoistic. I could have the best fucking day of my life but I would still be sad at the end of it.I have only one friend but that friend is strugling with her own mental health so i do not want to but another burden on top of her. Oh, btw, that right there was also something a self-centered person would say, why should somebody care about me? it is very egoistic to think that i matter enough to make a diffrence to anybody.I also have diagnosed asperger syndrome and i fucking hate it. I CAN read peoples emotions (normally aspies cannot, according to google) but i do not know how to react and I am very-very uncomfortable in social situations (espesially with people of my own age (13-15) ). And surprise-surprise: i have emotions of my own.And I am a boy so it seems not okay for me to be sad. But i am. And that is fucking egoistic.If you read so far then well- concratiolations- you just wasted solid couple of minutes from your life. I feel so guilty",Depression +40675,jeremyvine people will stop spending so the economy will contract further inflation rise further we end up with hyperinflation stagnation and ultimately a 0 style depression which the govt can t do anything about,Depression +17368,"I have so many issues, everything is a series of hoops and I am tired. When does it get better. Will I ever feel okay. I just want to be okay, I just want to make them happy. They deserve the best and I am not that person right now. I fucking suck. I want to be better for my kids but it feels impossible.",Depression +16319,"i realized the only reason I am here is not for myself but so i do not upset other people by doing the deed like damn bruh am i down that bad that and I am a pu$$y when it comes to pain but this summer has just made me miserable everyone is out having a good time and I am just here in my room bulimic af, depressed, and wanting to cease existence my mom even made a comment today how I am always in my room and need to socialize like i have friends but i literally do not even want to leave my room most times. I transferred to in state school so all my friends are literally out of state anyways. I am deadass just alone and miserable af lowkey fuck summer 21 why am i here bruh lol",Depression +48181,"Mmm… just some thoughts if you can relate 🙏 congrats I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel like I have any support. I don’t feel like I can go to anyone and I can tell them exactly how I am feeling because they’re gonna quote some bullshit Bible verse or tell me I’m being so dramatic. My mom doesn’t like listening to me talk but little does she know she needs to cherish my ramblings cause one day I’m gonna just jump in front of the G train and she’s gonna wish she listened to me cause it would be her last day hearing my voice. + + I want to spend the rest of my life doing something I’m passionate about that I simply don’t care if I’m gonna make any money at all. I want to feel something so bad but I feel nothing. I have no real goals, no real accomplishments, no real aspirations. + +And I’m trying so hard to see the brighter side. I’m trying so hard to be positive. I’m trying so hard to find the balance but it’s not working. It’s times like this when I’m sitting in silence where there are no sounds and I don’t have my headphones to drown out all these negative thoughts. I have to sit with them in silence suffering. + +I want friends and I want to build meaningful relationships with people but people are just so tiring I hated having friends but brushed it off as maybe I wasn’t friends with the right people. They were so overwhelming I just wanted to be quiet all the time. + +I don’t know. I don’t know whether I want to die or if I want to live. If I live my life it won’t be mine, and if I die supposedly my life won’t be mine either according to some book of stories.",Depression +40117,i m had a suicide attempt around month ago and am struggling to move on after it i tried to overdose on my antidepressant i wa in the hospital for day on the psych floor until i got released since then i moved across the country and am living back at my parent s house in my childhood bedroom i applied for medical disability from my h teaching job am currently in therapy twice a week and thinking of outpatient program my antidepressant were increased along with adding a mood stabilizer all my life i ve never taken medicine and now i am on pill each day i am back at home and have no friend here i use no other social medium other than reddit due to my social anxiety i just adopted a cat for company but he hide from me all day i just feel so stuck and alone i ve been depressed for so long and am not sure how to move on i feel like i have regressed so much everything that i feared for my life when i wa young ha come true i am with no partner gay no job and no close friend my self esteem is shot and last night i cried for an hour when my dad sat beside my bed some day i feel ok but most day at some point i feel hopeless again honestly i don t know what to do with myself each day all my interest are gone and it is hard to just get out of bed anyone who ha been through this how do you move on i still feel i haven t completely processed the attempt,Depression +14608,"Writing this I am not depressed, just a depressing thought. I am so used to never being chosen first, and friends reaching out to hangout with me. Or ex's trying to make it work instead of leaving and probably never thinking of me again... ( Happened recently, dropped me like yesterdays paper) I do not feel value or wanted and it is a feeling I desire. But as an adult those things kind of leave you and you focus on yourself and hold those close to you closer. And maybe one day you will find the one who is been looking for you, in the mean time I am going to do the best I can and try to be my best self without relying on someone else for that support, because as I have realized people word does not mean anything and people change. But you will not change, you are stuck with yourself your whole life so become someone you enjoy being even if it is not easy or fun all the time. Hope someone reads this and can relate, it helps to know people feel the same way as you do I miss the days when people would reach out to me, and ask me questions, and miss me, and think of me before someone else.",Depression +25607,I am giving up on myself I do all this stuff to be better and keep failing over and over again why even bother trying I am done trying to self Improve,Depression +10240,"So to give a background of the situation my cousin is in, he is a 15 year old loner who lives in a household where in both the parents are very aggressive and are always under financial crisis as none of them earn. They basically run on financial support given by my granny. He is a very smart kid and i can say he is always loved more by the whole extended family for his smartness although i did not get along well with him during my childhood as he was always getting all the attention and not me, it was my immaturity to not understand that this was more out of empathy and not because i suck!He stays in a different city so me and my family usually meet together on holidays and festive occasions, he had gone very silent before four years itself. We just thought it is a sign of adolescence and he is just not interested in us. We had not met him for like more than a year because we were busy with our lives. Since the lockdown he turned worse and he had started showing various other signs like he used to laugh alone and cry alone, lack of appetite and etc. On consulting the doctor, he had ruled out saying that this is an issue of depression and something realted to neurology and asked him to be admitted immediately. That phase where he had gone under medication was very hard because he spoke with long pauses and had saliva drolling all over ( which was said because of the effect of medicines for the neurological issue) he was admitted in a hospital and there was a night where his pulse rate had gone very high because of which they had rushed to another hospital to get a CT scan done ( apparently the hospital did not even have a CT scan equipment). He was okay once his school started and he kept complaining about boredom and his loneliness (because he had no friends), the doctor had advised to stop the tablets he was taking ""for sleep"" (which i assume to be anxiety pills). His behaviour has taken a different turn now, from being like a tortoise in a she will to a more violent kind of behaviour and i just received a call saying he was about to beat up his mother. I am genuinely worried after hearing all this! I feel so angry about the lack of awareness of mental health in my country and him not having a right channel to help himself. I am going through issues of my own and am just worried wether this is more than depression and the doctors not looking in the angel where they suspect him of BIPOLAR DISORDER makes me even more anxious. I do not really trust the doctors treating him, my family does not agree with me! I really do not know what to do. To be frank I am just worried I might lose him! If there are any psychologist in this subreddit, please as to what you think he is going through and how can i help him! I have a cousin suffering from depression and i do not know how to help him",Depression +12735,"I am a 21yo male. All my life I have been your typical shy guy: do not go out that much, stays at home playing games, do not have many friends, kind of weird when it comes to social stuff, etc.This year, somehow, I met a girl and we have been dating for almost half a year. I am so happy and our relationship is pretty solid, but I have discovered that I have a lot more stuff to work on than I thought.What I notice lately is that I am always thinking about her, or the fact that I want to spend time with here, but I am very harsh on myself about that, I say to myself that I should not be so mellow. Because of this, sometimes I get really sad and mad at myself, and I feel like I have 0 energy.I know myself pretty good and try to always distract myself doing any of my hobbies, but sometimes I just have literally 0 willpower. I find myself laying in bed and I just cannot get myself up.I have been in therapy for the past few months (not just for this), but sometimes I feel like I just can'tIt's pretty frustrating How to keep functioning even when you have 0 motivation?",Depression +19089,I find it quite jarring and draining when someone is trying to push you to talk and open up to them as if that is suddenly going to fix your depression and make you happy. I understand the sentiment and its all in good will but honestly if you cannot solve my problems then you have no right to push it. If anything for me talking about my problems just reinforces how I cannot do fuck all about it. You cannot solve my problems,Depression +7825,"I have been pretty down lately and now I am on the fence weather tomorrow i should go see my doc or not. I am starting to giving up with my meds, but i still want to be better. I do not know. Please help me. Can anybody please give me any reasons why i should continue see my psychiatrist? Really need some support right now",Depression +10084,"I guess in some ways I am doing better than most. I still have a job - a good job - but... there is just nothing to live for. there is nothing that gives me joy, there is nothing that keeps me going, except habit and not being able to just go buy a gun and end it all. I do not know I have a lot of energy left in me to continue, though. How do you handle it? How do you cope?",Depression +20076,They say awful things to me. I wish they would just stop. I cannot bear it anymore. Loud negative voices in my head,Depression +16558,"Hello, I am seeking advice for my depression/addiction. Growing up, I was bullied until the end of high school and my strict religious parents created a very stressful and traumatic upbringing at home. I have always had an unshakeable feeling of low self worth and I always feel like nobody likes me. I always have to go above and beyond for people to like me but others seemingly do nothing and have people adore them. In addition, I have an over obsessive addiction to things that stimulate me. It ranges from food, movies/tv, theme parks, etc (no alcohol or drug addictions). Really, just anything that prevents me from sitting with myself and my thoughts. Literally, I cannot do anything without simultaneously eating a snack, or listening to music or a podcast or something to stimulate me and make me feel happy. I am addicted to this self induced false sense of happiness because its the only time I really ever feel happy. Over the years, I have made excuses/goals to help me with my depression and low self-esteem. First, I blamed it on my weight, then my lack of education, then my finances, then being single and alone, etc. Present day, I have my own place, I got fit, completed multiple degrees, have a great paying career, I am in a 6 year committed relationship, and I have even mended my strained relationship with my family. Honestly, I have a great life and I have run out of excuses. HOWEVER, my self worth is as low as ever and I still feel like people do not like me (or think the ones that do, will leave me the second I do something wrong or upset them). I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years and it has helped me to better understand the root of my behaviors but no luck finding a solution. I am continuously told to try positive affirmations but no matter how much I repeat to myself you are smart, you are worthy,etc, or how many lists i write with my positive traits, nothing changes. I am not suicidal or anything like that, and when I reflect, like I stated earlier, I am aware I have a great life but the thought of living the rest of my life and never being truly happy or loving myself is so scary and I do not know what to do.Anyone in a similar situation or have advice? Thank youPS: I have never taken meds. I always avoided medication and thought of it as my last resort but I am starting to consider them. Any advice or personal experience stories about meds would be greatly appreciated Depression, low self esteem, HELP!",Depression +13289,I deserve it and I know that I deserve it. Its my fault. I ruined all of my relationships. I am unhealthy and can barely get myself to eat. I cannot motivate myself to go to work. I cannot handle the side effects from my medications. I cannot make any progress in therapy. I cannot do anything to help myself. I fucking deserve this. I cannot get better and its my fault. Its absolutely my fault that I feel like this,Depression +40073,last night my girlfriend 0f of two and a half year told me 0m that my depression symptom have been taking a toll on her she told me that she see my progress and my growth but this is in summary a she talk around her meaning it s not enough it s exhausting her and making her feel poorly my exhaustion and lack of self and confidence and inner love so i had to apologize to her last night and i m trying to show that i m growing but i feel so fucking hopeless right now and it s only been getting worse i joined this community because i m sure i won t actually do it but i need something to remind me and something to feel le alone because holy fuck am i alone i feel devoid of love and worth and i m struggling to find way to place it on myself i can t validate it if it s for me and i can only form a half life of happiness if i use someone else a the foundation so that s superficial i m really trying to keep going but it s so hard it s exhausting i just want to sleep all the time there s so much more in regard to our relationship i ve been trying to support her and make amends for who i wa when we first met i brought my trauma into it and lashed out at her in way of gaslighting infidelity and emotional neglect she didn t have any trigger for me to lash out at her i just thought she wanted to use me for self satisfaction but i m told that s love now i m confused there are two side of my mind one an optimist and a lover the other a cynic and a narcissist i want to purge my brain of these thing i m sorry this is so scattered i ll try to speak more coherently later brain no work,Depression +40850,happy international day against depression yeah today is my birthday too lol,Depression +15930,"Yesterday I woke up energetic. Today, like shit. Yesterday everything seemed to be working out. Your kisses and you saying that still loved gave me a lot of hope. I am trying to be enough on my own, but nothing made me feel better than the love and approval you gave to me. I cannot get it. You were saying the truth when you said that you loved, but how your fear of getting hurt blocks of trying to make it better? I know we did a lot of damage to each other, but you could try to heal each others wounds. I wished you let me heal yours at least, mine will by itself being on your side. I know that because right now I do not your regret or concern. I just want to be by your side. I wished I could fuck you. YEAH FUCK NOT MAKE LOVE. You changed all my sexual appetite, and after tasting the things that we did together I cannot go back. And now I am respecting your position. I stopped looking your stuff. I am trying to be friends. I will keep being nice and I day at time. My biggest fear right now are the nightmare I had this night. You were with a new boyfriend. I lost control and I went in a path to destroy the most evi person we know and after the job were done I killed myself. That moment I woke up. I automatically went to talk and remember that you do not want hear this stuff. Now I am talking to a void. I will post to bunch of strangers all my sadness and fears and delete after some days. I wished you said what I have to do to win you back. I wished a way to make all your fears go away. Because love is there for both sides A day at a time",Depression +10148,"it is to late to call up friends.I do not want to game or call up friends.do not want to shower, not in the mood.do not want to work rn.Any suggestions on what I can do when bored and stressed without what seems to be a viable option? Good, fun things to do late at night?",Depression +41164,do i play pjsekai to forget the fact i wa clinically diagnosed with social anxiety and depression or do i hug miku plush and think about the fact i wa clinically diagnosed with social anxiety and depression,Depression +23262,I am a student and work part-time.Today my professor shamed me infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time. I am not able to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much. Please help me if you can.I do not know what to do.I feel hopeless. I do not know how to show my face again in class. I am feeling so ashamed. My life is just falling apart. I wish life could end right now,Depression +38596,i am and think i m depressed idk what is but happiness just is not the same anymore it feel bland from what it used to be it all started when my mom separated from my verbally abusive dad when i wa 0 after that is spiraled down and down my aunt uncle grandma and grandpa dying left and right and my aunt turning out to be racist even tho i m her nefew i went to therapy for year but it did not help i dated my best friend who i have known since i wa a kid and it did not work out the relationship is ruined and now we barely talk i have plenty other friend but it doe not feel the same i hate school but my mom say i cant drop out and i have to have the best grade posible i know she is doing what she is supposed to and i wan na try but it so hard to even find the will to stay alive i m very self conscious and do not like the way i look i have a girlfriend but it doe not feel like what i thought it would be and doe not help me mentally at all overall i want to off my self because of the thing that s i ve done and thing i ve been through i don t know what is stopping me i don t think it selfish if i off myself and i don t really see any benefit if i stay alive i don t believe in true love and i m not happy at all really my mom want me to graduate so i can be happy but school make me even more unhappy but i think that s just cause i m a kid i don t even know if i ll make it past let alone go to college i just wan na know why can t i be happy,Depression +7223,I am a 16 year old guy I have no friends I am lonely and depressed its 2 am and I cannot sleep something happened today that rlly just set me off and I cannot stop remembering memories and thinking I rlly want someone to just talk to and be comforted by I have no one. I rlly need someone please help,Depression +19495,"I am fostering a cute little senior dog (9?). he is great in every way, just does not like other dogs or cats. I was very depressed (still am) and those feelings are not so strong now that he is here. For example, I did not sleep well last night, normally, I would stay in bed until when I absolutely need to get up. With him being here, I know I needed to at least get up so he can pee and feed him. that is our days really with a long walk during the day.It seems that these walks are more for me than for him. I wonder what will happen when he gets adopted. Who will MAKE me go outside then? Who would start conversations with me (without me feeling extremely anxious and fearful)? At the same time, what about when winter comes? Can I muster this same energy to cater to him then? Dog or No Dog?",Depression +11718,"I have been working hard for the past year, then I got hit with a bad case of depression this past week and I am currently in a position where I might lose my current job at Walmart for calling out too much. Basically I have spent the entire week in my room getting high and playing games and masturbating. I feel so guilty and lazy right now. My mom is worried about me because she knows how I get when I get like this. I only have 4K in my account, which could last me a few months if I only dip into it to pay my bills. I am in such a deep rut, and I do not know how to get out of it. Like, if it was only anxiety and sadness I could push myself to get out of the room but I feel tired and fatigued, and when I get to work my brain fog gets 10x worse and I cannot interact with people properly. Makes me wonder if I have something else other than depression because when I get like this I barely speak to my own family. God this is so bad My life took a dark turn this week.",Depression +23555,"I hate having to *need something to do* to live, instead of *wanting something to do* to live.I hate having to consume food for energy.I hate having to spend energy working.I hate having to work so I can live.I hate having to live just to work.&#x200B;I hate that humans have slapped a price tag on everything.I hate that life cannot be experienced as a free trial.I hate that the only way out of this place is to die.I hate that dying is a physically painful experience.I hate that death is emotionally painful to our loved ones.&#x200B;I am tired of being an input-output machine slave for my parasitic body.I am tired of going to sleep wishing to not wake up.I am tired of waking up hoping that life was just a bad dream.I am tired of not being inspired by needs, because I resent the idea of needing.&#x200B;I wish that work was optional just for experiencing luxuries if you desired them.I wish that labor, money, pain, frustration, stress, fear, worry, anxiety, disease, and depression were optional.&#x200B;I do not want to be dead. I just want to exist somewhere for free.I do not want to be a stone. I just want to experience life for free.I do not want to be bored. I just want to learn about life for free.I do not want to be lifeless. I just want to drink water, breathe air, and eat sunlight for free.&#x200B;Maybe in my next life, I could just be a big peaceful tree.Only then to just be cut down and murdered against my will. And have my remains turned into whatever material that conveniences them.So much for my dream of freedom and peace.&#x200B;I hate that the greatest concepts we value the most are just imaginary illusions.Freedom? Illusion.Peace? Illusion.Privacy? Illusion.Love? Illusion.Success? Illusion.God? Illusion.Illusions; all of the ingredients that make up Happiness.Another Illusion. I am tired.",Depression +15268,"Question: Do any people actually want things?Ambitions and dreams and motivation all just seem so.. alien to me. I do not remember wanting anything other than.. peace of mind maybe. Then I see very hardworking people and ask myself, what motivates them to go such lengths in these school, hobby or work related endeavors.People care so much. They feel anxious, happy, sad, relieved.Why though?Somewhere deep inside I think I admire them and want to be like them. I would love to want something, I think?But all I know and remember is indifference to most things in life. I have never worked hard for anything that I can remember. Failure does not bother me at all. I could not even react properly to the last few deceased people that I know? knew? (I just felt jealous because they got to die, which might be messed up on its own way.)My life unfortunately/fortunately has not ended and I do not think it will any time soon. so I want to try, I think. Try to live as normally as possible, even with all of the mess that my head is. I honestly do not know if I can. Whenever I think about the future I cannot bring myself to care. I just feel so indifferent.Do any of you still want things? Want to work hard for things? And if so, what does that feel like? Ambitions",Depression +9349,"I have lost so much. We all have. Time, people, personalities, fucking lives.I do not want to do it any more. anxiety and depression have robbed me of another relationship.",Depression +11446,"Hey guys hope you are all doing well.Been struggling with depression for a long time got diagnosed about a year ago did not really know anything about mental illness.got into drugs at 17 mainly lyrica and booz it was not bad tried couple of drugs along the years but stayed in control and got clean after al while I started having panic attacks the first time I thought i was dying,that is when i decided to go to a psychiatris took bunch of different antidepressants one worked for me for a while had a fight with my doctor threw all my meds my mind just went loco i had the worst depressive episode in my life, could not handle it i wished death every night i go to bed, then started using again with harder drugs I am now on benzos cocaine and meth sometimes, lyrica seroquel ,prozac got back again to antidepressants. I know its fucked and extremely unhealthy but i keep telling my self that its fine ill be good I am 24 right now and ill fight this even if takes me 200 years hopefully god will help me and who ever suffer from this illness and i believe he will Need help",Depression +17014,I feel completely numb. Its easier to feel and remember nothing.I like feeling nothing.I like being nothing. I wish I could not wake up tomorrow,Depression +38117,i have this tendency to abandon pretty much everything when something or someone becomes somewhat of a challenge i just leave them i have ghosted girlfriend i have completely disregarded good friend just because they invited me to do something i did t want to do i have abandoned friend who had lent me a hand i have abandoned work just because i didn t feel capable i make stupidi excuse and then run away yesterday i stood up from my new job and left made a bogus excuse v a text and quit via email the job had a lot of potential but it wa too stressful for me i have just noticed this is a pattern in how i cope with thing every time i feel trapped i just want to bust out i have a deep rooted belief that i need to be in control of my time and my space and when something or someone interferes with that i should be entitled to claim my supposed freedom i don t know how to deal with this i just noticed this pattern and i can see how it affect my life p english is not my first language typing on phone,Depression +14127,"14 y/o. i do not want to do anything anymore. my passion for everything that i once liked, enjoyed or benefited me has gone out of the window. and i do not see the benefit in doing them any more. some days when i wake up from a 4 hour sleep, i wish id had just never woken up at all and that i would just fall asleep forever, and never wake up again. i always said that dreams were better than real life. and that has been the only statement i have ever made where i think i have been right. i hate talking to other people in fear that i will muck up. I am already quite introverted, but now every time some even does something as simple as greeting me, i want to get as far away from them as possible to prevent conversation where i will inevitably mess up. my daily schedule now consists of wake up, do school, go back upstairs and lay there until i have dinner. i have no will to get up and do something that even i know will be good for me. i want to just go away, and that is the drifting thought that frequents me in my brain. i believe that everyone hates me (which they probably do due to me being very unlikable) and they just keep me around for their own social advantage. i frequently want to just run away from every human and cry in a corner where i can just forget i even exist. i do not want to tell anyone, and i do not know if that is a good or a bad thing, since i probably just burden other people with my presence, and i will just annoy and make them hate me. but i want to know if its worth telling someone, or if I am just being a teenage hypochondriac. what should i do? sorry for ranting, i just needed to get this out of my head and online. i do not want to kill myself. i just want to disappear.",Depression +16637,"I am at the lowest point in my life. I have always had women and good friends and a great family. I feel like I am at the end. I have tried to kill myself a couple times when I was in high school, but now its just a different feeling. I am just ok with not being here. I feel so fucking alone. I am so just so so desperately sad. 29/m",Depression +24808,"I do not even know why I am writing this. I just think that I cannot talk about this things without alarming o worry the people in my life. I do not want to feel like this anymore, everyday from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed I feel like absolute shitSometimes, when I am out with friends I feel a little relieved, and when I am with my boyfriend my mood is generally better, but firstly we are in a long distance relationship so we cannot see each other every day, and secondly I cannot count entirely on somebody else to be happy. I have suicidal thoughts everyday, multiple times a day, but I struggle to talk about this because even if I am almost sure that I will never act on it because I have hope that someday I will be if not okay, al least better, I cannot convince others of that. I feel like I am slowing becoming more and more difficult to be with, I am terrified of that. They always say ""a good friend/boyfriend does not leave you just because you are struggling"" but it happened to me before, how can I ignore that? I do not want to be a burden. All I want is to be happy, or at least stable, and to be a source of happiness to others. Sometimes I feel the need to ignore everyone to not drag them in the depression pit with me, because there are days when I really cannot control myself and suppress what I am feeling and i KNOW that it affects others. What can I do to make things better? I just cannot do this anymore I am exhausted",Depression +12654,"I posted on other sub as well, not fishing for anything just want to vent that is all.I am a lame and an ugly dude. Someone i knew once told me that i got a head that only a mother could love. Another one told me that I am lucky that i am a boy cuz no one would marry me if i were a girl. I rarely had any luck with girls. When i go out with my friend girls always fancy him. I never get any attention. Throughout my 24 years on this earth, i can only think of three girls who were interested in me. One made out with me but stop halfway because I was inexperienced in kissing. The other two exchanged numbers but they never wanted to go out with me. The only thing i got going on in my life is my job as a mechanical engineer and potential inheritance from my parents. Everyday is sadness fest for me. I feel lonely. I always wonder what is it like to be in a relationship, to have friends to talk to, weekend plans to look forward to. I never look forward to going home after work instead i burry my sorrows with overtime. I want to have friends to go to festivals with. what is stopping me from achieving all of the things i listed, are my insecurities about my look, my lack of social skills due to years of oppression during my childhood, my social anxiety and my looping depression.How can my life get better if i get nervous when talking people ? How can my hope to meet a romantic partner be actualised when I do not have the social skills ?How can develop my social skills when i get social anxiety when i am in a social setting ?I do not see a way out of this beside death, and a really optimistic belief that i will go to heaven or reborn again as a penguin (cuz they are cute).My constant suicidal thoughts get stronger and stronger everyday and I have no one to talk too. This is my first time posting my feeling out in public, I do not expect anything in return. I just want to vent out..I do not want to die but the pain is too hard to handle. I am so done, but am I ready to end it ????",Depression +23172,How long did it take? What was the process? I am curious and would appreciate any information on how this went for you! How did you get diagnosed with depression?,Depression +25871,"Warning: this is going to be long asf idek It seems like I am always getting left behind. I am going into senior year and I am thinking of doing Computer science for uni but there are two problems. 1. My admission grade is off by 2% from the required grade. 2. Idek if that is what I want to do. School for me has just been a game, collect as many good grades as you can, and for a while I was rlly good at it, pretending to be passionate about science since that is said to make me more money than something like art. Since this pandemic happened my grades slipped a little. do not get me wrong, they are still good, going from 90s to 80s but not good enough apparently to get into university. I just do not like how the competition has increased. I mean, back in the day you did not need much to get in. I am stuck at a place where I cannot imagine myself doing the career ideas I have for 50 years. I know I am not the smartest, and I accept that. But its one thing to be ugly and have no close friends and its another thing to not even get into the university program you want. All my classmates seem to have it together. Its not like they are perfect either but they are over here getting jobs and learning how to drive and I lack the motivation to do anything. Rn I am doing online summer school and I am still managing to fuck that up. I did terrible on my unit exam. I know all of you all are just going to tell me to get up and work hard but honestly, I am tired of being an overachiever and not getting my results. Idek why I am posting this. Idk if I am overthinking but I just feel worthless rn. Idk even know how I feel",Depression +38703,i feel like i have had this crap since i wa young and depending on whether or not i can convince myself everything will be okay is where my anxiety level are i am constantly plagued by my own thought about dying and more specifically what happens after and the wonderful memory throughout my life that will just be gone i love life so strongly the sunrise and sunset the connection with family friend my husband potentially future child that i ve been holding off on until i can come to some sort of conclusion with this anxiety and the companionship of animal sometimes i spiral into panic over it and just don t know how i m going to keep doing this for the rest of my life the anxiety is so bad that i would say at this point i have depression that i ve never felt wa a label that ha matched me in the past doe anyone have any kind word or advice or anything ha anyone had success with finding their way out of this anxiety i m not religious but i am spiritual and look at life very factually and scientifically this is just one thing that i don t have very good answer to or hope about,Depression +39998,i think i ve slept three full hour in the past it s not that i don t try to sleep or want to i do and so badly i m so exhausted right now i m crammed into a toddler bed cuddling my kid even laying here all i can think about is whether or not she wouldn t be better off with a different mother and i know i d never do that to her i never would or could she didn t ask to be in this world and i have no right to leave her in it especially with that kind of burden so why doe the thought keep whispering itself in the forefront of my mind even when i ve slept well why the fuck do i feel so terrible a if i ve been kicked in the stomach to the point of puking i feel like a failure in everything am i really at the point where i m supposed to celebrate my own mediocrity after accomplishing simple task that i m supposed to do should i be applauding myself for getting out of bed next i left my job to stay home with my kid just a month before the pandemic wa acknowledged no one could or did come to see me but i realized that even without the pandemic nobody really would have been there anyway she wa five month old then and in that time period nobody really wa there they didn t call didn t video chat didn t really ask how thing were or how i wa i wa crushed before the pandemic our event were cancelled i couldn t see my friend most of them i still haven t seen two year later we don t really talk either there s only one person outside of my immediate family that i ve called in month and it sting a few month ago we moved out of state and out here we have no friend no family i ve tried making friend over the internet especially through pursuing my roleplaying hobby but it feel like i keep fucking up trying to keep my emotion and attachment in check but inevitably i think my loneliness just bleeds through or i let myself open up too much and just fuck it up my emotion my entire self might a well be sodden playdoh i m desperate to keep it formed into what it should be what it i used to be but before long i m trying too hard to keep it in shape and it s left in a flattened half soggy mess of garbage every night i curl up in bed and have my stupid fucking brain remind me of how garbage i am of all the mistake i ve made and maybe i really would be better off just giving it up telling me there s no point to keep bothering others with my i don t know existence i guess mistake logically i know that s part of my problem it always ha been really i tried to keep everything together so other people wouldn t know what wa happening to me back then i had to take care of it and handle it on my own i have to be able to do everything and when i can t i feel worthless like a waste what am i even doing that someone else couldn t take the rein on and do better i ve been replaced plenty of time even my husband wa searching on grindr and posting on craigslist listing ad that included the fact that he wa married sending picture text telling me it wa my fault after i found out i m somehow to blame for it i haven t told anyone that typing it out feel slimey like three day old used dishwater it s another thing i have to handle myself because i could never actually admit to someone else that it happened just like i couldn t admit to anyone i know about what my ex did to me what happened when i wa a kid i told one person a therapist in honesty what happened and i remember her saying that if i kept being angry about it then i d turn out like that person who say that to an eight year old anytime i ve brought it up since then it wa never to admit how it s part of what still keep me awake over two decade later stupid electric meatball in my skull trying to convince me it matter trying to convince me i m going to keep going downhill and should just get ahead on what s inevitable anyway people can and would move on and maybe it d be better i wish it d stop with this shit my daughter said today that she love me i have to be doing something right don t i i don t know what to do to fix this i m just screaming into the void right now i want to sleep,Depression +12665,Does smoking weed help with depression? weed,Depression +22945,"lately I have been dealing with a lot of stress and very busy weeks that completely overwhelm me with the amount that is asked from me. and with lately i mean, pretty much the past years, but ever since a few months back, it is been more severe and i went from 58kg to 52kg unintentionally in only around 4 months. I have always been kind of skinny, but this makes me hate myself even more. i try to exercise and eat but i lack appetite and interest in food, and my body feels like bricks most of the time, so its incredibly hard to motivate myself to exercise. all i want is to just love myself more, but i cannot. everything around me in the world seems so harmful and i just feel so scared and hopeless in a world like this. i wish i could go back to the easier times. I have even had some days where i ate pretty well and even ate some snacks. i would feel confident and happy with myself. next week i would go and weigh myself being sure i must have gained some, and........ silence. lost weight again. it completely destroys that bit of confidence i had and makes me feel so upset. i do not know if I am asking for advice rn or if i just felt like sharing this, but anyone reading this, thank you. keep losing weight unintentionally.",Depression +9832,"I had suicidal tendency for the last 7 days for a full 24 hours, just wide awake. As a protective measure for myself, I went to a friend for company and some dumb chat so I can distract myself. And it later become obvious to me that this friend did not pick up the hint that I am fucked up, the one topic she wants to talk about is ***trauma*** and in her opinion: you do not need trust to share you story, trust is stupid, I am curious and I want to know, what is wrong with just sharing it. To her credit, she is a genuinely curious person, but that is not how it works. To be a good ally requires that you are being sensitive in handling the conversation. My trauma or whose ever is not a story to feed her curiosity. I have enough problems to worry about, and now I have a shitty circle of friends problem. Great addition to my mental well-being cliff dive. P.S. I am good now, no worries. Insensitive Friend",Depression +38226,fourteen year ago today i got married i thought it wa the beginning of my uneventful everyday nothing wife mom homemaker life and id be happy and grow old and die and be buried beside my old man nope here i am and widowed w four kid and alone af i m so lonely in the human sense that yes it contributes to my mdd and cptsd i ve been widowed for four year raising four kid solo my parent died a year after my husband did my sibling live 0 mile away my extended relative live out of state my close friend i only really interact with through texting because they live far away all of my friend and female acquaintance have boyfriend or husband so anytime i m physically around them the interaction feel awful for me and my kid i don t fit in at any of the church i attend or interact with because all of the other widow are decade older than me and all of the mother w young kid go there with their husband and are all happy with their full life and younger people don t wan na talk to the widow w a bunch of kid in her 0 dating hahahahahahahahahahhhhhh they re either never been married and want someone young and childless they re older and don t want to have a house of kid if we d get married or they re younger and don t want to take on that role to kid who aren t biologically theirs etc i m just left out and alone and then people don t like if i voice how lonely i feel so they ll attempt to invalidate my feeling with you have kid that make me extra lonely i have no one to send the cute pic i take of them to tell their cute little story to who they can do thing with or help me answer the question many time i m overwhelmed because they ll all talk to me or ask me question simultaneously because we have no one else who s a regular in our life it s just me so they swamp me and i can t pay attention to everyone all at the same time how they need so then at night they re asleep and i m trying to destress but i can t because the next day will be the same and there is no one to cuddle with or talk to etc it s funny too because i see article etc about how mom are overstressed etc and they need help and all but when i air my situation and trouble people say my motherhood single widowed motherhood to four fatherless kid should be the answer to my loneliness and stress if society want to feel bad for and support married mom of one of two kid how come i can never get some freaking recognition and support a a single widowed mom of four with no family or whoever helping her again i m ostracized even in the stressed single mom circle,Depression +19919,Going to fucking kill myself. Nobody should have to live like this If I do not get the job tomorrow,Depression +23418,"After my last post, it really made see, who cares. I do not, life goes on, they do not need me.Goodbye. I have decided it would make no difference if I am alive or not.",Depression +16307,"Hey all, so today my cat passed away who I have had for almost 9 years and I am just taking it really hard. When I adopted him he was so full of energy and love and just attached to me and I felt like we had a very strong bond. He knew whenever I was upset and would just be with me and try and comfort me when I was sad. He helped me through some really tough times over the years. Back 4 years ago, I found a squishy lump on his back that ended up being a spindle cell tumor. We got him surgery to get it removed multiple times, but ultimately it just kept coming back until it was inoperable as of a year ago. The past 6 months have been the worst though. We tried administering him chemo, which made him lose all of his weight, energy, and sapped away his personality, he would just lay there all depressed. Then about 2 months ago we noticed the tumor on his back died and decayed away and left a crater in his back. I figured he needed to be put down then and there, but the vet would not do it because they still thought he had time. So we tried keeping him clean, and took him off the chemo to have him try and be himself for his remaining days. He smelled so bad though, like death, that it was hard for me to be around him, and I feel so guilty about it. Well today he lost all of his strength, had a stroke and died at home. I feel like I lost my best friend. I keep looking for him and just want to spend time with him, but he is gone now. To make matters worse, we had cats in the past who were also very sick that we tried caring for, and died in almost similar ways, and had the same amount of time with us. I miss them all, but this cat today, Astro, makes me feel like I am now lost, and I do not know what to do. I lost my cat today.",Depression +7583,I wish it was easier than said tho Wish I could kill myself,Depression +23512,(First post ever so uh bear with me?)Well. Honestly title says it all. I have always had an off and on relationship with depression and I go to counseling but sometimes it gets harder to deal with. Usually its just random times here and there and I can push past it. This time its feeling harder. I am losing a lot of my motivation and want to even do things. I am tired so much of feeling like this. The last time I spiraled I got into a really bad place and I do not ever want to do that again but i just do not know how to keep pushing this all away? I feel like I am spiraling again.,Depression +17287,I do not have any goal or motivation for my live... I am going to be 18 soon and I am completely lost. The thought of working in some shitty job while constantly fighting battles against myself makes me sick. I am worthless anyway... My plan for life is too kill myself in a few years...,Depression +40613,theekween thelmasherbs make people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break and any traumatic event,Depression +47543,"Turning into alcohol Hey all. I'm getting worse. I've been battling depression ever since I finished high school, and it's been progressively getting worse. I thought getting a girlfriend would fix it, it doesn't. Nothing seems to help. I've come to realize life is pointless and it doesn't matter what I do to myself. I've been hurting myself, cutting, etc. and lately I've started drinking. + + It started with just a couple of nights of drinking on holiday. Then I realized hey I kind of like alcohol. Started to have a couple of beers a few times a week. Now I'm having them every night and bought my first large case of them ""just in case"" I wanna have some beers the next night. + +I know this is a step to the worse and that I could stop right now with minimal discomfort. I just really don't care anymore and I want someone to notice I'm not okay because I can't really talk about it myself to the people I know. At the same time I don't want this to turn into full blown alcoholism because that would be bad, but at the same time I don't know if I even care that much anymore. + +If I didn't have my family I would more than likely end my life. + +Thank u for reading this far. I just needed some outlet and if anyone has words of comfort I'll happily hear them.",Depression +41198,i treasure my own company in fact i love it but is it really me that want to remain a recluse or is it ptsd and depression http t co sukn atq p ptsdpuzzle zachradcliffphd edwarrior 9 wemattertooinc leadproject depress0 accio shinjini parikabhatli,Depression +10757,"(Male)Everyday is the same. I do not want to wake up.If death is like dreamless sleep, I am in. I am the joke of the family, a verbal punching bag. I go to work, come home, sleep. On my days off I jus distract myself however I can.I am a talented musician, I can make beautiful music but its not enough. I write poetry to process emotions but its all so sad. I want the cycle stop. The only thing keeping me here is the fact there might be something after this. I do not want anything. I have no love life, no friends, my family is disgusting and broken. I have started self harming again (I stopped when I was 15)- I am now 20.I have said Ill kill myself when I am 22, unless I have found someone to love. That gives me a year and a month. But I do not think I can love anymore, the women I talk to either leave or its apparent that there is no connection. I do not really connect to anything except my music. Even that is not good enough for me to be proud of. Everything hurts. There is no point. Iwanttodie.",Depression +38884,hello all lately i have been fighting with my anxiety after having fought in a relationship i m still holding pain in my chest and i always wake up with anxiety also i always cry during the day and before going to sleep i m living with my boyfriend and i don t want him to be sad like me amp x 00b could you guy give me some advice to help me heal myself,Depression +39442,my habit is having to check on my betta fish and make sure he is doing ok before i go to sleep i prompt him to swim up to me and flare stick his gill out it s how bettas express emotion before i can sleep,Depression +17396,"I have been depressed like, forever but during corona time all have went downhill and fast. it is hard to keep my social skills up as I have no mood or strenght to be social - all I just do is think about my problems and my miserable life. Whole of my childhood I was bullied by others; ""friends"", siblings.. I had to find a way to make other kids to like me but it never really lasted long after they started to bully again.About 8 months ago I faced bullying at work. There was this one person who acted like friend of all people but back stabbed when you turned your back on her. I noticed this and I started to question her methods.. eventually it ended up that she started watching what I do and so on and also started telling other workers about how bad I am and they team up to get me out. I got fired and this case - according to supervisor - was 100% my fault. Ever since that day my life has been hell - total hell. This event greatly affected my life and now I am so lost with my thoughts; ""am I that bad"", ""what I did to deserve this"", ""no one likes me"". I cannot talk with people anymore, not even with my family because I am afraid of it and I feel so worthless. This also affects my relationship and I have a feeling even my boyfriend is having enough of me because I am always depressed and negative. I used to talk alot with him about my problems but nowadays I am afraid to tell him anything because I get always same sighing and tone of his voice is judgmental.I just want to talk with people like normal person, laugh and joke around but no one ever last that long with me.. I barely get any responses from anyone when I try to talk or message - in real life or internet. I just have a feeling I have something in me that makes people aware.. I have lost my appetite as well, barely eat anything (maybe once in a day a hot meal - sometimes forcefully). I am just so lost and exhausted.. just feeling everything I experienced when I was child I need to face it again in adulthood twice harder.. No strenght to keep social bonds up - even with family",Depression +47171,"Hate being sober I guess I’m a poly addict but rn it’s alcohol. I just turned 21. I’m wasting my life away drinking everyday, no job, I have one passion and it’s music but I don’t see it going anywhere. My gf is an alcoholic who blames me for her alcoholism. She asked if she could punch me in the face tonight. Called me a loser cuz I said she needed help. Idk I guess I’m just venting but I’m so lost and I feel like no one cares. My mom sends me $50 a week so I won’t bother her, that’s how I get my alcohol. I feel like such a bum loser, can’t even hold down a job let alone show up to an interview. It’s a cop out for sure but it’s because my anxiety. I get anxiety everywhere, I’m scared of shit like getting blown up Everytime I stop to fill up on gas. I’m scared of a gas line exploding at a food service place. I can’t even be outside with panic attacks that I’m gonna be struck by lightning. I just need help and idk where to turn it feels like everyone hates me or is disappointed. I feel like I won’t be here much longer I can’t deal with the anxiety or stress or apathy or anything I can’t do it anymore. I guess this is just a vent and I’m sorry if it breaks any rules but damn life is just weird and sad and I don’t get it. 21 btw if that makes a difference",Depression +41350,stats feed indian doesn t know what is depression we would have been topping the list otherwise,Depression +15011,I cannot handle this alone. Everyone just tells me to call the hotline and I am sick of that. I need someone to talk to I am scared ; (,Depression +39571,so unfortunately a the title say i have bad relationship anxiety and anxiety in general although it can come and go my girlfriend went out a couple of night ago and although i trust her my anxiety work up and my head belief that she is cheating she doe not have a clue i think this way nor doe it effect our relationship but i ve the shake all day and feel exhausted after my mind racing and playing trick on me how can i stop this,Depression +11769,I bust my ass day in and day out for my wife and kids. Bills never end. Food is always needed. Car repairs are random. Now since she is been put on best rest bc of a high risk pregnancy an is bed ridden I have had to take multiple days off of work. Bc of that I was fired. So guess what that means. More late bills. No food and no repairs. I am sick of this shit. I am trying to progress in life but I cannot bc of shit like this. I am tired of being broke and struggling man. Why is adulting so hard??!,Depression +11692,"I am struggling for 6 years with depression and suicidal thoughts. I always thought that keeping myself at work was the best thing because ""I would be sleeping the entire day if not working"". No! Big mistake!it is my 4th week on sick leave because of the mess I was feeling day after day and you cannot imagine the difference I feel. I am connected to myself. I am even smiling! I feel useful again, even not doing shit the entire day. I needed to sleep and take a nap after waking up. I needed to not think about the annoying coworkers. I needed to go for a bike ride at 2pm on a Wednesday. I needed days in front of TV, eating crap and watching stupid shows. Doing nothing is so needed...People, if you go to work every day feeling like shit, crying during work hours, you should talk to whoever supports you and discuss about taking time off. Be responsible about it, but take advantage if you can do it. I have an office job, which of course makes it easier as I am not my own boss. But we read so much about being at the very bottom in this sub, that I wanted to give a bit of light that we can have better times.I am 100% sure that I will not feel like this forever, I always had ups and downs with my mental health, but I learned some important lessons about myself. Everything that can help me get out of a depressive episode in the future is very welcome. Burn out and depression",Depression +16382,Damn things only get miserable then better then even worse than before I have not felt this bad in a long long time and I forgot what rock-bottom truly meant.I am a passively suicidal person I mean like shits bad when your one real bad day from the end but to have my only 2 friends for the past decade just phase out of my life for no reason in the last weeks truly sucks like I know it happens it allways does and in the exact same way every time like I am not a bad person it is the same be it friendship or relationship and I feel it coming every time untill one day we never speak again. These 2 people are the only people I would call family and to just feel it all slip away rapidly after nothing has happened between us and all attempts at recovering things fail really really hurts like damn cannot I just catch a break like please? When you forget how low rock-bottom really is.,Depression +18052,"I am an early teenager and I should be enjoying my life and doing fun things but I am not. I just sit at home and watch anime or play games on the tv. I know I still have time to fix my life but I am not motivated and I constantly feel like my whole life is pointless. No matter how much I try to get out and do things I end up feeling like shit. I am not even sure my friends care about me anymore I have just stopped talking to mostly everyone. I have like one ""friend"" who is going through what I am going through but we rarely talk and I have these other ""freinds"" who are just dry as hell but at least they like living. My parents do not seem to understand and will take me to like see friends or whatever but I do not even like these people. they are just old friends that are dry and ig I am like their only friend but I honestly do not care about them. Everything I do feels forced and if its not its not even fun in fact nothings fun I am kindof just waiting for me to magically feel motivated. I am going to have to go back to school soon and I do not even care about school anymore. Sometimes I feel like ending it all because I do not even do anything or have an impact on anyone I am basically just a rock. I do not really know what I am asking for but if anyone knows anything tell me I guess if you care. I do not even know what the point of this is but I will post.",Depression +40416,is it somewhat normal that i want to attempt suicide just to prove to myself that i m actually depressed and suicidal and that i m brave and not a coward sometimes i don t think i m even depressed and that i m just feeling very lonely and numb sometimes i feel like i need to do very dangerous thing so that i don t feel weak and like a failure since people much younger than me commit suicide all the time,Depression +12116,"Hey, so I have been having a really rough couple of months, and I think I have messed up my life really badly. I had a lot of really good friends at my college and we were all super tight not. I was dating my girlfriend for about 9 months and over the last couple of months I really messed everything up. I have been continuously pushing her away in all types of ways such as: having little to no sex drive because I have had no ability to even think about that, I have been isolating myself and not communicating what I have been going through well, and I just have not wanted to go on dates. None of this is why she said she wanted to break up though, she wanted to break up because I have not been able to make myself talk to her or communicate while we are back from school. She said I have a lot I need to work on and that she does too.Anyway I agree with her and I know I should not be in a relationship right now but I love her so much and want to be with her so bad, so this is not a post where I want you guys to say we should not be together right now because I know this. I think we will eventually get back together if she can see I grew up. I do not want to work on myself for her to take me back but that would be a positive.I guess me making this post is to ask how have you guys been able to work on yourself and what are some methods I can use to improve my mental stability, and also how have you been able to refind yourself when you have no clue who you are anymore? (P.S) I have been on medication before but stopped taking it because it was making me sadder (it was Prozac) I might try medicine again but we shall see. Anyway sorry for the long post just kind of a brain dump. Depressive Episode",Depression +38104,i hate what happened i thought i could be happy even just for a moment it make everything else so much worse and it couldn t have happened at a worse time,Depression +39462,hi i have been having anxiety for a while now and it crippling my life i have tried yoga meditation supplement walking cbd and still nothing ha helped i am wondering if i should try a medicine but i am afraid it going to take me further away from myself and change my personality and i wont ever feel like myself again can anyone share their experience thank you so much,Depression +24550,I live with my family and I have just gone quiet. I do not talk much about anything because the thoughts on my head do not make for good conversation. I have stopped taking to a lot of people last year bc i felt they were not good friends for me and i was right i just do not have other friends to talk to. I do have one tho i game with but i have trouble talking about feelings with him too. I do not want advice when i talk to someone i guess that is why i do not. I do not want to be told to get out more and talk to strangers because i do not know how to do that. Or join clubs bc i already know that is a good way to meet people. but I am just discouraged the people i really like move away and we lose touch and i do not like that many types of people :( I just constantly listen to podcasts to fill the time when I am working on stuff but myself or gaming. I always feel like an outsider and i think being alone most of the time is making me worse at making friends. I do not even know what to do with friends like to hangout. Like if i want to hangout with another new guy friend my age (24) i do not really know what to plan. And i do not really want to do anything either. It feels so weird to try and make friends it feels easier to ask someone out on a date than ask them to hangout as friends. I do not talk,Depression +24737,"I have posted here a couple years ago on another account which is now deleted, posted some poems and other stuff and thought you might like, anyway. 2 years ago I made an attempt, which gone wrong and I ended in the psych ward of my local hospital. Quickly enough I realized what actually was at stake when I was showed all this love and affection, attention and care, which kind of ""cured"" me for a while. did not thought about it for 2 years.Meanwhile I had a good life, found what I want to do in life, found a romantic partner who is loyal and loving, as a clueless romantic, this is far more than what I have expected a couple years ago lol. My parents moved back together, I even helped them! I found new friends to enjoy what I like with and everything, pretty much literally, is hundreds of times better than it was, my life improved in every aspect.Until recently.I recently started having what I would call minor anger issues, throwing what can only be qualified as tantrums, at my age I am pretty ashamed of myself as this is not me, and I feel like it is not me when I do this.I also started having alimentation problems again, barely eating anymore as I do not have the appetite to, I drink a lot however, more than I ever did. I am tired of my work, I am tired of my family yet I love them and they have not done anything wrong.Recently I caught myself contemplating suicide once more, the same way it began many years ago. I try not to by distracting myself by playing online video games, getting on a call with someone or just not being all by myself, as this always was one of my main triggers in the past. I feel like I do not have to be here, and that my purpose itself is not as meaningful as I thought it was. I need help once again. I restarted contemplating suicide lately, 2 years after my last visit to the psych ward",Depression +39555,for starter i ve suffered from ocd my entire life thing such a having to touch thing with both hand in the same spot counting making sure the volume is on even number hair pulling etc etc i ve never had the physical side effect of anxiety though from what i understand ocd is classified a an anxiety disorder two month ago i had my first ever panic attack after smoking too much weed and my life ha been hell ever since it wa the first time i ve experienced panic such a the burning in the chest the sinking feeling in the stomach the fear that something is wrong the problem is that ever since that panic attack started i ve been stuck in a state of panic and my brain is doing it obsessively constantly using the panic neural pathway in the brain this is what i figured and how my psychiatrist explained it also so i ve basically been stuck in a never ending panic attack for two month and it ha ruined my physical and mental health i have a rush of adrenaline and sinking feeling in my stomach every second for no reason at all my brain is just very obsessive an it keep activating the panic button i can t control it either it won t stop no matter what i do my mouth is always dry and i feel on edge and over stimulated my joint hurt all the time and the worst thing is my ability to heal ha been drastically shut down my joint and muscle don t heal from wear and tear anymore so i ve been bed ridden i ve tried ssri benzos antipsychotic etc and nothing ha helped at all some thing may help me cope and deal with it better but nothing stop my brain from constantly panicking i ve been looking into assisted way to end my life a i can t imagine the rest of my life being in a permanent panic attack this is no way to live anyways i need to know if anyone ha dealt with something similar and if there s any way for me to get out of constant fight or flight thank you tldr my brain learned how to panic and it s obsessively hitting the panic button for no reason,Depression +40047,in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to kill myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening,Depression +40063,i really need to fcking end it i can t take it anymore here,Depression +17385,"I have been suffering from depression nearly my whole life, with many ups and downs throughout the years, but I have found myself in a ""down"" time lately. I am having a hard time showering, cleaning, cooking, basically all self care. I also have adhd so my executive dysfunction makes it hard to start tasks even with medication. Does anyone have any go-to meals, something that I could assemble in the fewest possible steps that would provide adequate nutrition? I know not getting enough \*healthy\* food and water only contributes to how awful I feel, but my normal go-to's are not working very well for me. I have been ordering delivery way too often and it is always sugary things. I need to care for my physical health more as I am sure it is contributing to my exhaustion, but my appetite is so low due to my medication, I have been eating way too many sugary things, and my face is breaking out which is bad for my skin-picking compulsions. there is a lot of issues all piling on me at once in addition to a major life change so I am just trying to get through this as painlessly as possible, any help or just ideas or anything you have to contribute would be great. thanks Help eating decent meals",Depression +19693,"I have no motivation to do things after work or on weekends anymore. Whenever I get home from work, the next work day cannot come quick enough. Whenever the weekend starts, I cannot wait for it to finish.I use to hate work and look forward to free time. But I have found a job I like and it seems to have shown me how much I dislike my personal life/free time. Talking to friends helps, but I cannot take all of their free time up. How do I enjoy going to work and look forward to coming home? I look forward to work because it distracts me from my personal life.",Depression +12154,Whenever i look up people talking about there depression they always say how they hate themselves and all that but for me that is not the case. I am content with the person i am and i have Learned to love myself. The problem i have is that nearly every human i have met has put on this barrier between me and them no matter how much effort i put into the relationship it is never what i want. I just want to find someone who has or is going through the same things i am going through. I hate life but not myself.,Depression +8476,"so I would just like to ask a favour of some people. I want to ask my Mum if I can go and see a therapist, so can somebody please just tell me some things that I could say to try and persuade my Mum to let me see a therapist at my local doctors? I was thinking of some of the good times of my childhood; where I was not screaming and crying internally. Where I was laughing with joy instead of my own pain. Where I was not self harming myself. They were good times... Hey,",Depression +14851,"I know this question might sound odd but when does therapy usually start helping? I have been in therapy for over a year now and I am with my second therapist already. I started therapy because I did not feel well most of the time, I could not concentrate and I barely ate anything. I got diagnosed with depression after a month maybe and I got some medication too, but since then I did not gain anything from therapy.The medication seems to help a bit because I am having less terrible nights, but at the same time therapy does not seem to help.I go there, talk about my last week and we start trying to figure out where my bad moods came from, but we never find out and at this point I am questening therapy, eventhough every doctor told me that therapy is the most important thing.Of course I will continue therapy but it is starting to feel more like a burden to get out of my house and get on the bus for 30mins only to have the same meaningless conversation every week.My mother is worried because I still barely eat and I have been underweight for a while, but I just want to feel better. I want to get rid of all these negative thoughts and find something that is worth living for.I just want my life to be less painful... When does therapy usually start helping? I am not sure if it is even worth going there anymore...",Depression +40156,i don t know what else to add don t try to comfort me i didn t want any flower i only wanted to lie with my hand turned up and be utterly empty how free it is you have no idea how free sylvia plath tulip,Depression +39843,i don t understand i read it would be lethal to take this much at once but i feel perfectly fine i know i m just going to get a bunch of people telling me to go to a hospital but what s up with this shouldn t i be dead,Depression +25455,"I go through days where I am very depressed and others just normal, but it is becoming more frequent that I am depressed for days.I do not believe talking about problems helps so not sure why I am positing this. But I am so stressed and overwhelmed I am 24 I am way in over my head at work and cannot really do anything about it I am supporting my mom who recently had a mental and emotional breakdown because her brother and mom committed suicide in our house, so we moved to be with family who are amazing but I feel like even though we are family it will always be sort of family if that makes sense, I have no dating prospects due to mainly the fact I support my mom have a dinky small mobile home among other reasons which sadly meeting someone is my dream and I would be just amazing but oh well. I am overweight and cannot seem to keep motivated long enough to actually make a difference, cannot do the one thing I have always wanted to do which is to travel, hell I cannot even kill myself because I have too many responsibilities. No close friends just some I see every once in a while to hike. No self esteem in what I do. Anyways there is my rant. Off and on depression",Depression +20780,"Hi, I know Reddit is not for this sort of thing. But someone told me that possibly on Reddit I could find someone to help me and I wanted to try to ask for help from someone here.I live in Venezuela, I am 27 years old and I would like to leave this country, many people die everyday and I would like to try to find a better future for my life. I am without money and I do not have any acquaintances in another country to help me, I would like to at least get to Boa Vista. Anyone who can help me, I would appreciate it. I am in despair, I cannot stand another day in this country. I have exhausted all my options to survive and it is impossible. Sorry for that. Thanks to all for reading",Depression +26541,"I am sorta venting, but Its a feeling of emptiness, as far as I remember I have always been this way, never knew what i wanted in life and was never really sure of what and who i am, just going from place to place, my reaction to most things has always been i do not know, I do not know why I am thinking about this now but i think maybe its part of the reason why I have been depressed since ninth grade. How do you deal with this?",Depression +39277,i m having a really hard time with my long distance bf right now he s going through a super low phase with his anxiety and every time we talk about anything emotional he shuts down he say talking about the emotion stress him out and any time i ask him how he s doing he responds with thing like i m okay i try to ask more question but he s just not giving me much we used to be super affectionate and connected but now i feel like we barely are sometimes i feel so far away from him physically obviously but mentally and emotionally i care a lot about emotional connection and i just really don t know what to do i ve read book listened to podcasts have my own therapist but i still can t help but feel super sad about it doe anyone have any advice,Depression +20480,"I will not abandon myself to thinking it is normal or ok to be suffering so much. I will not allow myself to believe it is an aspirational thing to be bawling alone. I will not allow myself thinking being isolated is aspirational, just because I am in circumstances which make isolation very desirable. I will not abandon myself to be swallowed up and consumed by other people's plans for me. I am in control of myself and I choose my path. If I want to get out I must make a small step everyday towards this, and not get caught up in being overwhelmed, to forget cariring for my health, beauty, friendships, career. I know my goals and making steps towards them and feeling terrified, is better than making no steps towards them and feeling calm/distracted. Life is messy anyways, at least we can help each other get to a better place while the messiness occurs?",Depression +26508,"that is all that keeps coming into my head; life just is not fun anymore so why bother? I seriously had thoughts of just drowning myself out with a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills tonight but decided to at least just see what tomorrow brings. The cherry on top? Its my birthday on Mondayand I could not give less of a fuck about it. I have been paycheque to paycheque the past year, I am always just flat tire or something minuscule happening away from losing everything. Meanwhile all over social are people on vacations, sitting on their decks in the sun, camping, going out for dinner. None of this is fun for me anymore so what would be so wrong with just being done with all this? I have already decided to call in a mental health day tomorrow. I am just going to try to sleep and hopefully thisll be a dwindling feeling in the morning. None of this is fun anymore",Depression +26218,"My day feels like a void. Time is just dragging on. I have no one to talk to, I cannot find interest in doing anything, the things I force myself to do just to pass time I cannot stay focused on. I feel like a zombie and completely desperate to escape. Everything just feels endless with no relief anywhere. I hate how slow everything is with depression",Depression +40008,for the past month i ve been postponing my suicide by escapism recently i ve grown a tolerance to any short and long term satisfaction with this i ve seen the only way to escape escapism is by death i want to send my regard to everyone in this sub for being some of the most kind people i ve had the pleasure of talking to everything is in motion and a in tomorrow i will no longer be a living man good night good morning thank you good bye,Depression +20357,"My boyfriend and I both struggle with anxiety and depression, and he has been dealing with a lot of anger that often times comes out against me. I have dealt with that in the past but usually get sad rather than angry now. We are both about to enter counseling but I am wondering if there is anything I can do to make things easier for him, like helping create a routine or something like that. Thanks you all :) How to help my boyfriend?",Depression +48194,I failed I'm going to kill myself soon I just failed the test to get my GED and my family thought I was going to pass it but I didn't I feel like disappointment and I disappointed them they had confidence in me they say I'm smart and I'm a genius but in reality I'm not I'm dumb and stupid and I let them down I feel so worthless and pathetic so now I'm going to drink bleach or any other chemical I can find in my house so I can get so sick that I die I can't do this anymore I don't want to disappoint or let anyone else down,Depression +21209,I would not get married and have kids. Not that I do not love my kids but I am so depressed and just tired I feel like I cannot be a good mom for them. And I feel bad for bringing them into this shitty ass world. And I can already see symptoms of anxiety in my son and I feel bad that he is going to be miserable his whole life like me. Really if I could go back in time I should have just killed myself the first time I wanted to. Everyone would be better off. If I could go back in time,Depression +38140,today i wa prescribed xanax and celexa for my depression and anxiety i have major anxiety about taking pill the side effect freak me out especially when it come to mental medication i ve took zoloft in the pas for a couple day and it freak me out with suicidal thought very angry and ticked off i m scared this might happen again i m so lost on what to do i really need the help but scared of the help,Depression +39975,i hate myself i ve dreamed about finally gathering the courage to end my life for about year i have everything i need my basic need are met all paid by my caring family i m finishing a college degree also fully paid by my parent i feel weak and pathetic i see people with real issue traumatic shit who go on with their life while i m sitting here wanting to end my life without a reason why do i feel like this it feel invalid i ve never faced adversity every second of my life i ve spent tearing myself apart the only reason i haven t jumped in front of the metro is that i m scared to end up quadriplegic i m scared of everyone finding out that despite having my life served to me on a platter i still want to die i feel pathetic small and alone and i m scared i m starting to lose control of it before suicide felt like a refuge or a safe place to escape if necessary but now it s overwhelming and persistent i don t want to feel like this anymore but i can t stop it everything i do feel wrong i ve isolated myself from everyone and by the time i realized how lonely i felt i couldn t find the courage to reach out despite having everything given to me i feel like a failure and i hate everything about myself self loathing ha become the only way i interact with who i am and everything i do i feel like i don t deserve help i ve never faced adversity i m scared of failing to kill myself but i can t stop thinking about it,Depression +47578,"What would be your reaction? My therapist (50f) and i (21f) haven’t spoken in a long time. In the end of our last appointments she always said, she would message me a date for our next session later, but she didn’t text me. This happened at least 5 times and I only got my next appointment when i texted her. Since I’m in therapy for 9 years or so, she kinda became my second mum and it hurt every time she forgot to give me a new appointment. I always had a really good connection to her and it clicked the second i saw her. As I said, we haven’t spoken in a long time now, because I’m hurt and don’t really want to go to her anymore. I don’t want to look for another therapist either (bc it’s exhausting to talk about all of the trauma again), so i wait till i can go to the clinic in a few weeks. What would you do in my situation? If you think I should talk to her about it, how do i do it?",Depression +26996,I feel like I am trapped currently because what I am doing for work right now I cannot stand with a passion. it is low wage & just is not what I want to be doing in my life. I have always since I was a kid wanted to get into acting but my issue has always been my personality is where I am too quiet/shy so it just would never work out for me. I already know exactly what would happen if I went on an audition for example where I would completely freeze up or forget my lines due to nervousness & not. I envy people that are outgoing & can just say & do whatever. It also annoys me a bit because if I had an outgoing personality with the work I actually want to do I probably would go for it & be comfortable doing it. But now I am stuck working awful jobs since I know for sure it would not work out for me because that line of work does not fit my personality. So I am in a position where my natural personality is holding me back from life. I just do not know what to do. What am I supposed to do for work when what I actually want to do does not fit my personality?,Depression +8258,"I am sure the answer is unfortunately yes, but has anyone else recently had friends abruptly ghost or betray them without any explanation? I am talking really close friends who told you you could trust them and you were vulnerable around. Friend troubles",Depression +16605,okay..so you either burn in hell because you do not seem to follow a certain religion which is probably the right one..or...atheists are right and ur just going to stay in a grave alone forever ..the only other alternative is my life which sucks also ahh ..death,Depression +17862,"I am done with life. i want to kill myself. so badly. its very weird typing this because I have never told anyone about it, even though it is all i can think about. i fucking hate everything. i hate my ""friends"", i hate being so lonely all of the goddamn time. i hate my ""best friend"" for dating the person I have had a crush on. but i have to suck it up because i do not even like them anymore and my best friend is all i have. you are a piece of shit. you broke my trust. i say that idc but it hurts so fucking bad. its so stupid I am so stupid i should be dead. I am so fucking cringe too i have a crush on this person i play videogames with everyday until 4am but they have not noticed. i know I am just going to get my heart broken because no one wants me I am so cringe and a piece of shit I am so annoying too i hate myselfall i have is music but i also have quite bad tinnitus and misophonia so i cannot even have that. i want to die. i do not want to live. the only thing holding me back is that my parents and my dogs will be sad. nothing else. there is no point in any of this. i want to die. everything hurts. i act like I am fine, like I am happy but its just me masking because if someone asks me how I am truly doing I would break down. please kill me in my sleep. I am done",Depression +15185,"I think my friend is depressed. However, I am also depressed and have very little energy. How do I help her? How to help a friend with depression?",Depression +8053,"Hi all, I went through a really bad bout of depression last year (about 6-9 months) I cannot overly remember it as it feels like a big blur. I would just be holed up in my room after I got home from work and would lay in bed for hours, not eating, just scrolling through my phone. I was living with two people at the time who I considered my best mates (they were aware of my struggles with depression - I was quite open about it with them) but this was the worst it is ever been around them. Throughout those months they moved on with their lives - got boyfriends, promotions etc. which I am incredibly happy for them (they are extroverted and neurotypical) but they took my depression personally saying I was not making an effort with the friendship and that they felt like they were 'walking on eggshells' around me - this is a major trigger for me. I told them several times that it was not personal and it is hard to get excited over someone else's life if I cannot even get excited over my own. This caused quite a big riff in the friendship & I pulled back considerably because it was also setting off major anxiety for me. Because I never wanted to experience this again I started masking my depression around everyone I know. But I have noticed that when I am alone I am spiraling worse than before - I feel like I am about to fall into a serious rut and I am trying to avoid that at all costs. Has anyone had any experiences like this? Am I actually doing myself a disservice by masking my depression? I am scared I might lose another 6-9 months of my life if I do not do something. Masking Depression",Depression +39196,hello everyone i m 0 year old and a mom of four i got into a 9 month course for a new career in the health industry and i have month left these two month are currently my extern hour i found a great office to do my externship in i have no issue with the staff but mentally i have been dealing with a lot i cry the day before i go into work i don t enjoy my weekend because all i do is think about my job i just lay in my bed and shove my face with food which is a whole other freaking problem panic attack happen daily and i feel like it s affecting my family my energy is off and my kiddos can feel it i honestly could say that i hate this career it s not for me i have dealt with anxiety my whole life but managed to keep job and actually enjoy them what should i do,Depression +40444,i don t mean just dating wise either i ve been rejected by my family friend and pretty much everyone else last month though i went out with a girl for v day and started dating her and very recently she said she wasn t interested in me anymore and today i found out she wa already dating another person this is the second time in a row i ve been cheated on and my suicidal thought are going crazy now i just need to type this out to calm myself down i hate this i just want someone to truly love me for once whether friend or family it feel like my whole existence wa just a mistake my life suck and i just want to die right now fuck,Depression +13237,"**So this might be a very weird title, and probably an even weirder story but I am going to share it with you anyway:**Since 2018 I have been a big fan of a band, Iron Maiden. You might have heard of them since they are pretty popular. I started listening to this band when I was still in school and decided to go to a concert with my dad which originally would take place in the summer on 2019. Now with the corona and all it got postponed to the summer of 2022 already. As of late I feel like I might be obsessed with Iron Maiden, maybe in a good way but not necessarily. I love their music very much, seen every DVD and love to read interviews and stories about them. Iron Maiden helped me through a tough time last year when someone very close to me got hospitalised with Covid-19 and almost died because of it. Luckily that person survived and is still with us, which I am grateful for every day of my life&#x200B;But now the reason why I wanted to share my story in this subreddit: Iron Maiden are a very old band. they have been going since the 80's already and their oldest member is 69 at the moment. I have only become a fan of them in 2018 meaning I missed out on so much. I could not have been there since the beginning since I was born in 1998. But the things I missed make me feel miserable. The great journeys the band had, the amazing adventures they went on and I missed it all.To add to this, they announced a new album coming in September 2021, the 17th album to be exact. Rejoice you would say right? Well, wrong. I feel very sad and would almost call it depressed. I hardly sleep and I cannot find fun in the little things anymore like playing a game or going on trips with my girlfriend. Every time I read something about Iron Maiden or watch a video/ DVD I get so sad since they are at the end of their career and I have only been there for such a short while. I want to be so excited for the upcoming album and support the band on perhaps their last tour but I just cannot.I know this probably all sounds very stupid and you are probably scratching your heads on why I make such a big deal out of this. And to be perfectly honest, I am wondering the same thing. I feel so stupid that I feel this way but I do not know what I can do to stop it. The realisation that my favourite band might quit in a few years is something I cannot accept.My girlfriend nor my parents do not really seem to get it either. They know I am an avid Iron Maiden fan but they do not get why I am so sad when talking about the end of their career. it is not like they make fun of me for feeling this way, it is just like they think it is weird that it means so much to me. I sometimes think I might be autistic since it bothers me this much.&#x200B;I do not know if there is any advice that would help me, but I wanted to share my feelings right here. Iron Maiden will always stay with me but I am so afraid that I might fall in a very deep depression once they announce the end and that is something I do not want. I have a beautiful girlfriend with whom I plan to have children in the future and grow old together. I cannot let them down because of something like this but I am so scared it is going to happen..... I feel like I am depressed because of my favourite band",Depression +25674,"My co workers making small talks at work last night and she asked me what I do at home when I am not work. She asked if I went to the gym or went to dance classes, or whatever I do. And my mind literally blank and just said I do not do much, I just stay at home and I still live with my parents. I felt so pathetic. It just emphasised how much anxiety and depression consumed me. I wish Id be more active in other hobbies and doing other things apart from work. Id love to paint and play music but I do not have the motivation to do so. I just rinse and repeat the day to day tasks. My life is so mundane but I am okay with it. I am just tired. I literally have no life",Depression +37862,just curious i ve been prescribed psychiatric medication my whole life and not a single one ha ever worked for me the best it could do is make me tired but in every other case it either did nothing or did something but not in a good way for example adderall and zoloft when i took adderall routinely in 0 9 i became malnourished because it killed my appetite and my teeth started breaking i developed clubbing on my fingertip and i wa manic depressed suicidal irate pissed off anxious scared and stressed the fuck out constantly every single day for 9 month straight with little to no break whatsoever from march december 0 9 zoloft made me sick a a dog that one morning i took it on an empty stomach there wa other stuff i didn t like too like trazodone which i started taking when it first came out and it wa like a huge trapezoid shaped pill that wa painful to swallow although they later changed this which made me uncomfortably tired a if i were being tranquilized then risperdal which made me have weird thought and grow tit and another one that wa really bad wa rexulti which wa rather new and experimental at the time i took it and after taking one of them i experienced full blown psychosis depakote did nothing for me whatsoever and clonidine made me a zombie when i first started taking it and all remeron doe is made me tired i wa actually given a dna test by my old doctor and she found that hardly any psychiatric medication of any sort including antidepressant and antipsychotic would work given my chemistry but she did find that i wa very receptive to cannabinoids the only psych med that ever made me feel good wa thorazine i took at a psychiatric intake when i wa upset and it kinda made me feel stoned from the best of my memory but then again i only took it one time the only medication that ha ever worked for me is marijuana hemp like the delta ape blunts that are delta 9 and 0 thc because delta 9 even in hemp is still controlled with no more than 0 allowed in a product since it is the psychoactive component in regular cannabis that get you too high and cause all that trippy paranoia shit you usually get off stronger stuff and even then this ha only been legal since 0 i ve noticed that weed not only uplift my mood when i m on it but even after it make me happy and improves my mental state in the long term the only time when i m not happy is when i m dry you re not you when you re sober no amount of chemical in a lab is going to fix that,Depression +25113,"and to socialize, or do anything teenagers are supposed to do. apparently these are supposed to be the best years of your life. lmao. my brains too fucked up to live a normal life",Depression +11849,To every single one of you all who felt the jackboot of mental illness on your throat today and still showed up... I am so goddamned proud of you.Maybe you went to work and made eye contact with other people and had lunch with a co-worker and saved all of your tears for the ride home.Maybe you waited until your kids were asleep before you broke down.Maybe you cried in front of your daughter.Maybe you locked yourself in your bedroom and looked at memes.Maybe you had too much to drink and texted your ex.Maybe you listened to so many Jason Isbell songs that those ugly tears falling all over your face turned into mascara streaked catharsis.Maybe you hid under the covers and watched Netflix and did not see another soul.Maybe you hid when you heard your doorbell ring.Maybe you kissed a stranger at a bar. Maybe you went grocery shopping and wondered why everyone else looked so much happier than you.Maybe you clung to your cat.Maybe you fell in love.Maybe you moved on. Maybe you ate too much even though you feel like a worthless piece of fat shit.Maybe you did not eat at all. Maybe you got up and brushed your teeth.Maybe you did not.Maybe the only fucking thing you did today was stay alive.Every single word of what I just said means that someone showed up.You showed up and lived your fucking life in spite of the knot in your stomach. You lived. You participated in life.And where there is life there is hope.Stay cool. I see you,Depression +8525,I have been feling depressed for a while now some days i do not have the energy or motivation to do anything but I am not sure if it is depression or I am just very sad . (sorry if any mistakes I am romanian) How do yau know if you have depression?,Depression +21518,"22 yeara old, no job (rejected me, all of them), somehow has a gf, tomorrow one year together and i wonder is it all worth it. I hate my life butlove this girl. Sometimes I do not know if she still does. I got my way to get me of this world right now but did not do it because of her. On the side I run a YT channel with 23K subs yet I still feel useless and worthless. I did all and everything I can for others, the most and best possible, I never gave a crap bout myself. Why even? I do not matter and people show it to me too. I avoid speaking about it all because it is a time waster. There is no need to talk anyways, I suffer long enough already so why not continue? I just cannot anymore, I just do not want to anymore but no one of them knows it yet. They know I feel bad sometimes and that I do not like to talk about it. But they do not know that I am no hesitant to take my life. Basically i only exist because I ket them use me.... that use what it feels like... Unsure how to look at all",Depression +16781,"i do not know what to do anymore. just graduated high school, not going to college. of the five real jobs I have had, I have quit three due to my mental health, and I am about to make it a fourth. i seek work as a source of necessary income, and to establish purpose, responsibility, and interaction with others.however, all of my jobs have been either too much for me to handle without becoming damn near suicidal, or my mental health is just flat out so bad that i cannot even function. period. my current job is not the worst, but it is inconsistent, overwhelming, and I have had even had an anxiety attack on one occasion and i often come home from a shift burnt out and crying.I have even looked into disability. technically my depression is debilitating and interferes severely with my functioning necessary for work, but i miss a single box for eligibility: unemployment for at least a year. i cannot go a year without a job let alone a few months. I am grasping for straws. i do not know what else to do. how to find work when debilitatingly depressed",Depression +17932,"As embarrassing as it is for me to ask this, I want to know. Sometimes I feel like I am suffering from depression but I do not know for sure How do you know if you have depression?",Depression +21932,"Sorry, I am unsure if this is the right subreddit to post. I already know I have all the goods: severe depression, adhd, anxiety, you name it. But today, after like 50 hours put into a game, something happened that caused me to waste/lose at least two hours worth of progress and it immediately made me lose interest and motivation to keep going. This happens all the time to me, in the sense of a small thing leading me into loss of a feeling of having something to do, loss of motivation, and then boredom that melts into depression. Where I then end up sitting around all day in bored, unable to convince myself to even bother trying another game (my only comfort hobby I have) or even get up. I hate feeling like this over small inconveniences, and I just do not know what I can do to get out of the funk until I find a new thing to hyper fixate on and distract me from being bored/depressed. Easily depressed and unmotivated",Depression +9729,"Lost my job last month, struggling with depression, OCD, and alcoholism. Family is worried about me. Had a friend tell me she does not want to hang out until I get sober.Been looking into rehab and plan on doing inpatient soon. I just feel really discouraged and things will not get better.I do not plan on killing myself but would not care if something happened to me. Feeling hopeless",Depression +9371,I decided to take a break from a few social apps that I used all the time. Everything has been super stressful lately and I have really just been wanting to cut off communication with everyone. The only bad side to this is not having someone to help me out when I am feeling really depressed. I really hope this helps me get in a better place mentally. This is going to be tough,Depression +38567,i m an adult but i want to escape my family completely i don t know where to start i ve told my therapist that i hate my family and stuff he replied with well they are really wealthy maybe you should continue being provided since you have your need to be met with i highly believe he s saying because of my mental issue i m diagnosed with ptsd ed psychosis mdd major clinical depressive disorder satiety etc but i don t think it s that serious because i can stabilize myself i have okay coping mechanism it feel like my therapist doesn t think i can stand on my foot by myself without my family i live with my family but i bought a house with their money and my money from work yes i did tell my family i wanted to leave but they said okay but first give u our 00 thousand back they helped me buy a house and now because of a fight they want me to stay home and own up to my mistake ridiculous thing is that they offered to pay and said i didn t need to pay them back now they re blackmailing me i told them i would because i have good bank i m a banker for a reason they then said something like you have no right to be saying that a banker is nothing respected blah blah blah they went on about how i should ve continued the line in our family of becoming engineer or surgeon the hardest part isn t even dealing their expectation of me it s the fact some of my family member especially my older brother and mom are narcissist some of you are probably thinking well why don t you just move into your home and ignore them if i move into my home they said they will have the higher ups of my job fire me i don t know what my parent want from me i m just stressed and going crazy because of their existence i know i can legally cut my parent off but don t know where to start do i have to make a call first anyone have info i d greatly appreciate it i ve dealt with my parent from teen year to now but i ve had enough of it i thought i d be free from their grasp once i become an adult but i m still stuck and i hate myself for having mental issue it s bothersome,Depression +40490,hi guy pls who know how to overcome depression i m dying slowly,Depression +9136,"I did it, I successfully pushed away everyone, absolutely everyone, the one I love, my friends, my family, have not spoken to anyone in months.Barely said 2 words to the ppl I live with, I work 10-7, shower, sleep, and repeat over and over. I do not remember if I ate most days. I have not found joy in the things I used to love, I have not smiled or laughed, and I am actually okay with that.If I am not around, I cannot hurt them right? Lay me down in a bed of roses",Depression +12458,"here is my brief story :During my childhood I was very discret and I did not have a lot of friands. Until 13 girls never talked to me because I was not the cool guy who ran fast, I was rather the quiet kid. During middle school I had some friends but no girls seemed to like me. So I convince myself girls should not like me. Probably because I am ugly. But in first year of high school, I fell in love for a girl. And after 1 year, she and I started a relationship. I was really really happy, but 2 months after, she left me for no reason. And this is the beginning of my depression. During the first months, I have never gone outside my house, I have tried killing myself twice. I was totally depressed, I did not want to live anymore. A part of me has disappeared, and I have not found it yet. After 18 months, I feel better, but something is not the same since. I have no more self confidence. The self confidence I gained during my relationship disappears 2 months later. Now I am sure people cannot like me. But here is the problem. I really like a girl, but I know she is way out of my league. And I think she will reject me so I do not try anything. I do not know how. So I think I will be lonely forever, because I am too afraid. I think I will be lonely until the end",Depression +26145,that is it I just miss her a lot we broke up a week ago and she says she still likes me but I do not know why she broke up with me but I just want to see any advice on getting over someone thank you. I miss my girlfriend,Depression +10933,"I (M16) cannot help but think about killing myself. Just had an argument with my mum and she is basically said to ""change my attitude or find somewhere else to live"". I cannot help having a temper on me. She said that i shout at my sister (which i do not i just raise my voice bc she ignores me bc she is 2) and i said that she shouts at her sometimes to so she screams ""I am HER MOTHER, YOUR JUST HER BROTHER""She also says i do not acknowledge what she does. A few examples are she brought me new clothes online, i said ty when she paid and when i went to bed one night, i saw them on my bed and thought 'ill say ty tomorrow night as i will not see her in the morning' but i forgot.I got home from work, went to my room to get changed and saw she made me a pillow so i thought 'ill say ty when i go downstairs' got changed, really needed the toilet and once i finished i forgot.She asked if i wanted a doorstop making, i said no, and on the same day she made the pillow, she made me a doorstop which i did not realise until i went to bed. Thought 'ill say ty tomorrow night' and i forgot.She mentioned these and said that I am ungreatful and i said that i did see them i just forgot to say ty and she said ""its alright, ill just forget to wash your clothes"". that is not forgetting, that is pulling my clothes and only my clothes out the washing machine and not washing them. I cannot help forgetting things - I am only human. She complains that I am always miserable and tells me to ""cheer up"" - its not that easy.Atleast once a day, she says smth i do not find particularly nice or gets me to do smth i do not want to. With it being so hot in the UK over the past week or so, i got a rash on my back and she wanted me to take my shirt off (which i did not want to); i get told to wear shirt which i do not like doing; she says my breath always stinks cuz i never brush my teeth (coming back to the forgetting everything). there is alot.And most of the things she says, i could say back. I do t brush my teeth- she does not shower. I am always on my phone- so is her partner. I do t do chores around the house properly- she never cleans up the dirt after sweeping or puts her plate in the dishwasher. there is even occasions where she spils my dribk and complains to me cuz i put it there. Why do rules apply to 'children' but nkt adults???She also says that I am not 'motivated enough at work'. Why would i be? I have to get up at 6am the 3 days i work and do a job that is built for ppl who have double the muscles as i do. And she says that i need to always be doing smth, not just be standing there. Yet sometimes that is all i can do. (E.g. someome is cutting hedges and I am going behind them ckearing it up, sometimes i have to wait) She does not know i have depression, suicidal thoughts or that i sh. She does not realise. Can anyone give any advice to be atleast a little more happier/motivated? And do not say smth like ""it will get better"" cuz that will just tip me over the edge. I want to die",Depression +22179,"cannot stop thinking about offing myself.. My one day off a week. my brother ,girl and roommates will be here ill pretend to be happy, make jokes and smile and go to bed as early as socially exceptable. And the whole while I will be thinking about how I should end it. Never thought I would make it to 18 why am I still pretending like I will get better. Even if it is a good time I will never be worth anything sooo why bother giving me attention or gifts just leave me alone. Even this post is pointless. At least there will be cake. I turn 20 in 12 hrs",Depression +39522,every time i talk to somebody outside of my house and can relate to somebody or have thing in common with people i just want to curl up and cry almost every time i meet somebody irl i freak out and say i never want to see them again and if i don t do that i act distant the next time i see them i only have online friend and having friend making friend irl is scary i m and a half and everyone say thing like your going to be getting a job soon but if i cant even make friend how am i suppose to get a job,Depression +37866,but telling them im not will just make them worry they got their own problem dont need mine too,Depression +13739,Does a guys mental health even netter?Like for a certain kind of guy who is always giving his time away and helping everyone but himself. A guy who works his ass off to receive so fucking little in return. A guy that the only time he gets to himself is in the bathroom. A guy that never rests and fucks himself over so others do not have to. Does it even matter?,Depression +48086,"Please someone help me I lost my mind over a girl. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. All of my ""friends"" are choosing her over me. I have no one here to support me. I don't know what to do. She is driving me insane. I just feel like life is not worth it. I have nothing to live for. Please, someone help me. I'm losing my mind over this. How do I stop thinking about her. Please, anything will help.",Depression +19644,"I have realized that my depression does not come from fear of being alone and does not come for fear of not having a future.I have friends, I have a solid career path, I get girls occasionally. I have everything I would want.The problem is I am not satisfied with anything.I cannot be satisfied with my career unless I am making more money than anyone I know.I cannot be satisfied with my friends unless I have more than anyone else.I cannot be satisfied with a woman unless she is my sole mate.I literally am ruining my own life because I cannot figure out how to just settle. I am absolutely terrified of settling",Depression +15607,"I know people love me. My great grandparents, my dad, my little brothers, my mom, my cousins and aunts. My boyfriend. But I feel like no one loves me. And its so hard to explain to them because they do not understand. I feel suicidal sometimes and I wish I could do it, but then I think about my great grandparents and my brothers and how could I do that to them? I wish I had no one so I would not have to think about them. My boyfriend thinks I get depressed for no reason. But its not just one thing that sends me into an episode. Sure, its that one thing. But along with 50 other things that were on the back burner all hitting me at once. I just hate myself so much. I try not to compare myself to others, but once I do, I just start thinking about how much better everyone is and how I am wasting space just floating by. I wish I was never born. I start crying then my boyfriend just thinks here we go again.. He tries. But nothing helps except sleep and time. I am not motivated at all. I have no interests. I just scroll through social media. No desire for sex. And I know he deserves better. But he says he loves me. But another girl could treat him better. Be happy all the time. Want sex all the time. Not shut down and wish she was dead. I stress him out. I know it. I am just pathetic. Feeling so alone when you know people love you.",Depression +26458,"I am failling an subject, to simplify it is somewhat like a mini thesis. I am fail at this Sem and have to continue the project on the next Sem. Facing my supervisor really got me into depression. So what should i do next? Pls any advice buddy. I am considering restarting my project with different supervisor and different Topic but to scare to talk about it with my current supervisor. This thing cost me a Lot, i eat a Lot of food as Coping mechanism which because me gain weights, it drags me into depression, i do a little self harm like punching my self in the fronthead, swallowing hair vitamin. But I am just to scared to talk to my supervisor. Tomorrow is my final progress presentation, its a dead end, i cannot finish the project at this Sem, and do not want to continue with him again in the next sem College or mental health",Depression +20791,"All I have been doing tonight is looking at my high school yearbook and wishing I could redo everything since then. All I have done is make mistake after mistake and now I am 27 with no friends, no career prospects, no experience with women. I look up the ppl in the yearbook and they are getting married, having a career, and enjoying life while I just feel stuck. I would do anything to wake up in 2009 again. Wish I could get a second chance",Depression +37844,bullying ha really given me trauma i have social anxiety because of it i wa bullied in middle school because i wa ugly and i went to a prestigious school so lot of rich kid i m poor and i wa bullied for my clothes i only have friend i m starting to hate going to school and want to become a shut in it s so unfair i used to be so confident and social and now i m scared of raising my hand in class to use the restroom i try to make up natural look for clothes now but i can t do anything about my stupid ugly face and i wish i had the courage to vent irl but i just passively wait for someone to ask first,Depression +21680,"I do not know why. I feel terrible all the time and instead of opening up to friends or family I am rude and push them away. I think I just ended a friendship and it all feels so involuntary. I do not know how to control it anymore. When anyone becomes close at all I panic and just sink away and feel like I am drowning and I am sinking deeper and deeper into the suck. It feels like a leech sucking me dry. I cannot think clearly like I could before, I just have a fog and think about dying constantly. I do not know that I want to die but sometimes like I am tied to a railroad track and the train is coming. I just want to enjoy things and feel like a functional person. I think that I might be emotionally draining if I talk with friends or family. I want to feel better Why",Depression +38401,i m fine i m fine i m fine until once again i m back in the pit and i m wondering how long do i need to keep doing this for when i stare at my computer screen another fucking 9 day of meaningless clicking so i can earn barely enough money to survive comparing myself with other people my age depresses me i m not so successful and i probably didn t live up to anyones expectation including my own but the more i think about it based on all my trauma and self hatred where i am kinda make sense but the thought of i need to continue living like this idling just living in the same page everyday why i have a vacation booked and then what i come back to the same meaningless routine every time after a vacation im more depressed that my life is how it is do i want to change sure how i don t even have the energy or motivation nor do i have the strength or idea some day i feel like im living in my own paradox or dream that my life isn t even real the past few week i been reliving my trauma and all the shit i went through continuously in my head why i don t even know maybe i m trying to understand myself all i get are mood swing bad attitude and burst of anger maybe i should get on med,Depression +38418,i often hold myself back from doing the thing i want to do because i don t feel like i meet the bare minimum standard to have realistic prospect for success what should i do to overcome this for instance i would love to be able to have a job earn money and be self sufficient i lost three job over the course of three month from 0 0 and i wound up in a deep depression from which i ve been trying to crawl out of ever since i later realized that i have adhd pi which explains nearly every factor that contributed to my past underperformance i wa often late for work i called in sick when i couldn t get out of bed i wa slow at my job etc i didn t realize that the issue i had were outgrowth of executive dysfunction and once i realized i had adhd everything suddenly made sense i had always been told and in fact came to believe that i wa just lazy that my lack of success wa my attitude towards work and it wa a simple a that but no it s not actually so simple even so i feel like i need to be 00 confident that it s under control before i attempt to re enter the workforce here s why i view being hired for any job a a promise on your part when you accept a position you are implicitly agreeing that you will be consistently hard working focused and reliable by consistently i mean at least 99 of the time everyone ha the occasional bad day where they underperform but to be a good employee this need to be a rare occurrence no more than maybe once every six month or so at the absolute most you need to be on time you need to be consistently applying yourself to the extent where you re feeling exhausted by the day s end and you need to be making a sustained effort to be living up to and preferably exceeding the expectation that are set out for you by your employer in short you either make a full commitment or you don t in my opinion if you apply for a job and accept a position knowing full well that you re going to struggle with thing a basic a punctuality or worker engagement it is disingenuous for you to even send in an application in the first place another example at year old i have never gone out on a single actual date with a woman let alone anything beyond that it just feel futile for me to even ask a woman out i find it unrealistic to think that a woman would find me physically or romantically attractive i feel like in order to date someone you have to be their equal by most metric equally attractive equally successful etc at the very least you have to fulfill some basic criterion be employed full time have a driver s license own a car be adept at handling social situation take good care of your body and your appearance maintain a consistently clean and orderly living space etc similar to employment asking somebody out feel like yet another unspoken agreement in doing so you are effectively conveying that you have your life together are able to keep it together on a consistent basis for the foreseeable future and want to get to know them on an intimate level once again you either make a full commitment or you do not if you can t give it 00 on a consistent basis then don t waste their time there are other thing that hold me back from dating another factor is that i m terrified of inadvertently going about it in an inappropriate manner e g wrong place wrong time misreading signal and making her uncomfortable with my overture then there s the fact that i m asexual and probably wouldn t have a high enough libido to satisfy most woman on a frequent enough basis but the main reason is the fact that i don t think i am capable of making a full commitment in my mind it s all or nothing i guess the long and short of it is that i don t apply for work ask woman out or do much of anything with my life because i don t think i m good enough i m not worthy i doubt my capability a being on the same level a everyone else and i don t want to pretend like i am capable of maintaining the kind of commitment that most people are able to make,Depression +22536,Idk growth sucks. And if I just get better it feels as if everything I have struggled with is invalid and insignificant. I do not want to accept everything that is happened to me I want to stay stuck on it and stay miserable you feel me?I do not even know who Id be if I was not depressed. I have been this way basically my whole life. I have no identity or substance as a person. I am supposed to start medication soon and frankly I am terrified of feeling better or the possibility of not being depressed anymore. I do not want to get better,Depression +38059,this week hasn t been any short of just sad i sprained my ankle on sunday and have been using crutch because of it i m on my college campus so getting to class ha been super difficult my ex and i went no contact on sunday and i ve just been cry over that so much because i still am very much in love with them and miss them so much over the past couple of week i ve been rejected from at least 0 job i wa waiting to hear back from this summer internship position yesterday i put my heart and soul into the application other people have received their acceptance email around 0pm last night but i have yet to hear anything and because they said they d reach out to u yesterday if we got accepted i can just assume that i didn t get the position that just feel like the straw that broke the camel back there hasn t been an hour within the past couple day where i haven t cried i just feel so hopeless and so alone i feel myself slipping back into depression and it suck so much i just don t feel like there s anything i can do atp,Depression +7168,"I feel awful right now, and almost every night. I cannot go to bed anymore without realizing how much no one loves me, or how much I hate college! Its only worse that I have been thinking a little more about the idea of suicide. I swear, I am considering it after graduation. One day, I am feeling great, the next day just okay. Right now, I feel like absolute shit",Depression +13218,"not a single person, not my family, not my boyfriend, not my friends, no one I do not feel loved by anyone",Depression +18320,"I mean I have literally considered myself borderline asexual for the past few years. I have not had any desire for romantic relationships, I masturbate like twice and year and rarely ever get horny either. In fact I find it and gross and annoying when other ppl are horny or talk about sex. I literally do not resonate with anyone anymore. It makes me sad tho, I feel like I am losing all my humanity and I deserve to feel pleasure lol Has anyone just lost their sex drive due to depression?",Depression +41217,footballer open up about depression crossydailystar toxic waste i think we know who the toxic waste is here,Depression +25192,"My adopted parents and I have not gotten along in awhile due to my depression. They constantly act like I can get up each morning, take care of myself, find a job etc. I cannot I have told them time and time again I cannot.. they even lied to my therapist about it. They want to move out in less than a year now to retire and Ill have no where to go. Ill lose my health insurance so all the medicine I need to take each day will be gone. I told myself so many times the moment I am homeless is when Ill find a way to die. They care about their happiness more than they care about me.. I am tired of them lying to me telling me they care then turn right around and do something that proves they do not. My only chance of living is trying to apply for disability but they are so against it I just know they have sabotaged it some how so I am probably going to get denied over and over. I have told them my plans and they brush it off and think I am not serious. you can threaten us with that all you want. Etc its not a threat its a fact I am telling you what is going to happen to me because I know how I am I never asked to live and suffer like this. I do not want to be homeless and I do not want to die.. I have no other options.. Not much time left.",Depression +11120,"All of a sudden my dog (9 yrs, who was a part of our family since he was just 28 days) was diagnosed with acute kidney failure.We took him to 2 vets just to be sure the results are accurate or not and we found the same. They told he has not many days to live. I am already on the verge of depression I really do not know how would I manage myself when he passes away. Especially when I know I only have few hours or a day with him On the verge of depression",Depression +38021,over lockdown i started binge eating to get through it wa fucking fantastic i d just get unbelievably stoned and eat and then suddenly it s tomorrow i didn t have to deal with anything but i don t enjoy eating anymore i don t like food it suck and i m at work and i pig out just to try make myself feel better because i guess that s what i do and i felt horrible so i thought hey is a good a year a any to develop an eating disorder so i tried throwing up in the toilet and literally couldn t get anything up i just gagged and then i pull back and suddenly the cloud change and i m just bathed in sunlight kneeling on the floor of a bathroom and i just couldn t stop thinking of those prayer add that say try praying and couldn t stop laughing for like 0 minute i wanted to share because i think it s really funny but who tf am i telling this story to so you get it anyways now i feel spewy af and need a smoke hope you enjoyed xo,Depression +26421,"I am 30 (m) and she is 21, so if you want to judge me already then just please do not.I was with my dream girl, and we got along great. But she has a serious drug and alcohol problem. I care about her a lot and tried to help her stop using them so much. Totally backfired and she started seeing other guys who were not so judgmental about it like me. I told her I cared about her and loved her and wanted to see her healthy and happy. She told me she could not be herself around me.This really sucks... someone pls talk to me I fucked up my relationship and now I am sad",Depression +22351,"This is a lengthy post but its a summary of my life so far. The time line is a little jagged but that is only because I am in so much pain and I just want to put this out, I apologize if its a bit messy with typos, punctuation and grammatical errors. Depending on who reads this, this might seem like an anonymous post ...or not. I am in my 30's and I am just not in a happy place right now, actually I have not been for a while now. A brief insight into my life. I have not had one. I come from a poor background and also from a poor country. As a kid I grew up in a religious household, that is not to say there is anything wrong with being religious as I am a christian myself but in this case my family thought it would be our way out of poverty, it was not. My father became a pastor and I had to maintain a certain code of holiness from a very young age, I could not express myself as I wanted as I had to maintain this ""code"". My mother made home made pastries locally and I aided in the production of the pastries as well as supplying the products within the neighbourhood, so my early years was basically going to school, making the rounds to supply pastries and then going to Church, after a while the church closed down as we could not handle the financial demands to keep up with the Church, my father was a good pastor and a good man and never thought of taking advantage of his members for financial reasons. I graduated from high school and I had hopes of my family coming together to support me with my plans of getting a higher education because deep down I knew very well that as a family they could if they wanted to, but they did not, I figured it was down to me to raise the money required to go to college, I managed to do this at about 18/19 years old, I raised some money which I intended to use for my education but I could not use it for that purpose and here is why - At the early age of 19, I started providing for my family- paid the house rent, food etc you name it, I provided it, it was not just me though I had some assistance from my immediate elder brother. Now make no mistake, this is a large family and I am the last child. So basically I did not have a life as an adolescent and I did not have a life as a teenager as I became some sort of ""family man"" or ""bread winner"" at the age of 19. This made me skip my entire teenage life completely as I was more concerned with helping out with in the family naively looking for a pat on the back and the occasional prayer and well wishes from my family, this made me ignore my plans of going to the university. Somewhere at around the age of 25 years old, I had planned to move rent my own apartment and apply for college but the guilt of being on my own while my family struggled to pay for the rent stopped me from doing that. I was afraid they would think of me as someone who was selfish and uncaring (they eventually went on to think of me that way anyway, I once caught my mother and one of my brothers talking about how frugal I was and how I was a ""wicked"" person). I decided to stay with my family, I paid the rent from when I was 19 till I when I turned 30, when I turned 30, my parents decided to move back to the family home in the country area (I also financed most of the developments in this country home but that is a long story). I was now left in the apartment with my immediate elder brother, during this time I remembered my plan for college and started asking myself why I never acted on it, I had totally depleted my funds by this time so going to college seemed impossible as I still had to contribute to the house rent, my immediate elder brother contributed as well. Along the line I made some investment in digital currency , nothing much but just a decent amount, fast forward some years later and the boom happened, I got a good return on my investment and I decided to give even more to my family (again), I sent some money to my parents, My elder sister was due in a few months so I also gave her some substantial amount of money and then I gave my brother who I shared he apartment with some of the money so he could invest in himself and start a business. and I gave him some money to buy a used car and together we decided to move into a better apartment. After a while, we had a little argument, a very silly little argument,my brother became very angry and then he told me that he has been keeping this information away from me but the entire family have been talking behind my back and they ALL wanted me to move or travel away so they could move on and be happy, he told me my sister (the same one I gave some financial help for her kids) he told I had no friends and I was socially inept and this really hurt me because I felt betrayed by my family. This is the same family I literally sacrificed my entire life for - I lost contacts with my friends when they all went to college and I stayed back helping with the needs of my family, I never had the time or privacy to have a relationship or a girlfriend, I never had my own apartment, I never had the chance to learn how to drive a car, I never had the chance to go to college and looking back, I never had a birthday party despite the fact that my older siblings have had numerous ones, the excuse my parents made was that I was born when when the financial situation of the family got worse and to some extent I get where they are coming from and I hate to sound selfish or insensitive but surely somewhere between when I was one year old to my age currently, there could have been some sort of birthday party or at least something that the family could do to show some kind of appreciation and gratitude..... maybe i am just being silly. I would admit I might have seemed down and sad sometimes but that was only because I was depressed, sometimes I find myself day dreaming about the changes I could make if I had a time machine, yes its silly but that is just how I feel about my life and how I totally messed it up by forgetting myself and my needs. I neglected all these things because I prioritized the needs of my family over that of myself and to hear that my family now think of me as a source of negativity or as someone who they need to get rid off totally broke me, I am stronger than hurting myself and I know that is not an option and would never be an option for me but it just seems a lot right now. I have not been able to sleep for days as I have been wondering how it all went wrong for me. I thought about leaving my properties - clothes, laptop, phone (these are all I have anyway) and just walk away to a totally different place for months, just so I could make my family know how I feel, maybe make them think something happened to me but I decided against that as my parents are old right now and I would not want to because some kind of health issues for them. I had a phone conversation with my mom and I told her what I had planned to do and why I decided against it and she was crying on the phone, I stopped myself from crying but she has been calling since I told her, when I ask why she keeps calling she says she just wants to talk but I know she is worried that I might hurt myself, this made me feel so much pain that I had tears running down my eye while I was on the phone with her but I really held back so she would not hear the pain in my voice. I am really not sure what to do now. I would be deleting this very soon as this is very personal for me and I do not want it out there, my brother also visits reddit sometimes and I do not want him to see this, I do not want this out there but I had to talk about it. What would you recommend I do now? How do I heal? what do I do now?",Depression +8517,Why are we forced to do this and that in schoolWhy does it existWhy are we forced for what we do not want to doWho are these random people pressurising meAm I living my life or is someone else living my life I need advice from not going insane,Depression +16611,it is been this way for \~2 months. &#x200B;Feeling fatigued. Getting literally nothing done every single day. that is not an exaggeration. Feeling like a flaming pile of trash,Depression +23263,"My life is destroyed, I feel like doing drugs or something to destroy my life because then it was at least my choice. I understand this is a toxic way to think but it is just how I feel. I feel like being self destructive",Depression +14627,"This pandemic cracked my mental health, and I just feel like I am lingering in a void, I have not been going outside, instead I have been inside my room 24/7, either wasting hours on my bed watching videos, or going on my computer, I lost my passion for video games, and other things I used to enjoy doing, my friends and I barely talk anymore, we were all close but they all distanced from me since sometimes I would not hangout/talk because I would just have zero energy to link, and anything I said would have sounded like an excuse. So everyday feels like a repeating cycle of nothing, while my friends are out doing normal teenager summer shitI feel pathetic for wasting my life doing nothing, I was intending to get a summer job, but my skin condition in the shitty weather would not work, another reason why I barely go out, I hate being negative but I have had no one to talk to and all these thoughts keep bouncing in my head wanting to get out. I just want to get my shit together and start eating and drinking again, taking care of my hygiene and somehow gain weight?? I used to think that I was born with a curse since I was so different from everyone else, I do not like thinking that but I feel so lost atm, sorry if I sound completely stupid I feel like I hit rock bottom",Depression +11192,"It seems all my relationships seem to get to a point that the other party really shows genuine distasteful responses more and more with time, i have been left my my parents, every girl I have been with showed or acted on interest in others, all these interactions are really affecting my daily drive i feel like i wake up and just want to scrape threw and sleep again quicklyIm going to have a daughter soon, and its the interactions with the mom, my gf, that is really stressing me lately, some kinks were discovered a long time ago that i found to be an issue in the way they were hiden, thag has turned to resengment, as she hoped id be instantly interested in the particular kink, when i was upset and wanted trust back it kind of turned into more events and more resentment on both ends, we are tryna fix it but rn I am told my attitude is a massive partI genuinely have craved an early release from life since a tramatic incident as a kid, i just want to feel i am good as i am, and that it gets better, i do not know many people that were only really raised for like 8 years in the middle of developing by very very sick great grandparents (there the people to aspire to be) and abandoned and taken advantage of in general when i was young , it instills some intense trust complexity in me i know that it is hard to deal with me, but my feelings really are not in good condition for a while, i just want her to talk and be open, especially before the kid is hereIm really loosing some screws this week so I am sorry if this is a mess of a post, thank you for any impute good people of reddit I feel i (22m) am understandable only after i have bonded with people to an extent",Depression +40221,this lady is responsible for my first experience being choked at broke an ankle getting tossed out of the back door in my underwear at 9 because i called my mom a demon i knew it at nine she s a fucking beast who fed me to her partner who is a beast and a fucking pedo now she s on this faux spiritual journey which includes putting loving herself first like after year of breaking mirror with your fist when i wa and shoving me down stair and ripping out my hair and beating me until my ankle broke trying to run free is all in the past and now i m so i have to move on with no closure and you expect me to just be goofy and smile and that s my new purpose she birthed me to be a freaking body bag and she discarded me too it s just so surreal to realize that you were born with the purpose to love and follow the one who had a kid because she needed a friend now she doesn t need me and now i feel like i also have no purpose maybe i never did in the first place i wa the girl that took the abuse silently and now my role is done but what do i do with myself now then why am i here if no one need me anymore,Depression +26901,"(I just realised I wrote more than I meant, sorry for that.. but thank you for being here anyways)Where do I begin.. I am technically currently a university student but I may not be for much longer, I have been at my university for 3 years (took a foundation year) and I have just failed year 1 again. it is been awful, my 1st year went fine (ish) but in my 2nd year I was depressed (still am) and it really messed up my studying and my social life. I got a 2nd chance to retake the year and the university made me take counselling with their councillor and I was on antidepressants but I failed again. Which leaves me where I am now. I currently do not know if I have been kicked out yet or if the university will give me a 3rd chance. In the last year I think I probably have gotten addicted to alcohol and a couple months ago a stopped taking my antidepressants without my doctor knowing. Now I have no idea what is going on or what I am doing, my parent has no idea about any of this. They think I will graduate next year. I know their views on mental health and its not worth trying to talk to them about it. I have lost my passion for anything I used to love and I have felt my emotions start to numb.I have not spoken to my doctor in a while because it always feels like I am being over-dramatic about what I am saying. A year ago I applied for a test to see if I was on the Autistic spectrum and it seems as if I am even though I still have not heard anything. But so often I have trouble sitting still and there a parts of my day or even whole days that pass me by and it seems as if I do not remember it or as if i was not thinking as those times past me by so I want to talk to my doctor about these things like ask if I have Anxiety or if I have ADHD but I do not want to be that person that just thinks every little thing is a disability.I have just realised I have written much more than I meant, I am so sorry for that. I will just leave it there. Its all gone bad",Depression +7042,"It always feels so peaceful the first 5 seconds after waking up then it all goes to shit, anyone else experience that? Last night I had someone over to help me take my mind off shit and it should have worked but it did not. I should be on top of the world but it does not feel that way. I just got pussy why am I so fckin empty? I am so fckin down. And now I feel like I have used someone and they do not deserve that. I miss my girl so fckin much. My mind keeps going to this picture of her laying with me eyes closed and I am just running my hand through her hair admiring how beautiful she is. Fck I miss how it felt when I kissed her. What do I do with this energy. I cannot get her back and I am left with this feeling that clearly I cannot put into someone else and be happy with it. It just sits with me waiting till I am alone so it can Fck me up. I cannot get through my head that it was not going to worl with her its like I am going through the grieving process again and I am at denial. This weighing too much on me. Pray for me you all its one hell of a morning Still empty",Depression +22056,I have fucking had enough of all this shit I am so close to killing myself,Depression +15868,"This is something I have been working on inside my own head. Trying to understand the emotions, the thought processes, the reactions and how they all come together to form this entity that is typing these things out.&#x200B;I have been to the lowest of lows. I suffer from excruciating depression daily. I have been this way most of my life and I have only been really starting to study for about 2 years now.&#x200B;But I think I am starting to see all these different aspects of existence and life. I have been trying to concoct some sense of a motivation bomb if you will. &#x200B;it is a mixture of consciousness, a physical sensation of burning in my chest, a physical sensation of slight pressure on my right temple, just the right amount of desire, a dash of willpower, a boatload of research and this image of a vault door unlocking and slowly opening up.&#x200B;The factors behind this involve various bits and pieces I have come up with through my studies. Mostly in reference to personality, the concept of motivation, a general understanding of how human psychology works, a general understanding of social expectations and interactions and the center piece to it all, the conscious self.&#x200B;With this, I have got many analogies. The concept of the entirety of the human race, similar to a bed of seafoam, drifting on the ocean. The concept of not needing love, but wanting it. To need it is to create stress and damage to those who come near. To be ok alone but still want that connection allows the ability to simply drift with one another through the ocean. That to fight all of this, the very nature of fighting all those thoughts and emotions inside because they are wrong and painful and bad, is not dissimilar to drowning. Fighting those waves feels exactly like drowning. &#x200B;In my understanding of this, I begin to see the ocean for what it is, time. Just waves of time and each of us get our time to bask in the glory of the starlight as we flow through. We may not always see it or know it because sometimes the ocean is shallow, sometimes we are in the mud, face down, beaten, broken and afraid and sometimes it is just easier to stay there, somewhere out of reach, out of harm's way.&#x200B;Yet the inevitable waves of agony always return. The onslaught of self loathing always crashes down. The fear to move forward always stabs us in the back because we choose to stay still. &#x200B;An unchanging mind is like iron. Left to it is own devices, it will rust and decay. But given the opportunity to be in wise, caring hands it is shaped and molded and fortified. Like waters of life turned to this beautiful work of art as the blacksmith intricately and delicately works their magic.&#x200B;Hammering away at imperfections, chiseling flaws and smelting away impurities to produce the finest of blades. Caressing the edges for the sharpest of blades. Decorating the handle for the most beautiful of blades. &#x200B;From this moment we begin to see the final product in it is full glory. From what was once a mere bubble, lost out at sea. Only to be tasked to enter the trials of hardship of life as each and every single one crawled through the mud. They did not know at the time that this mud contained the iron in which they would take shape later in life and as they entered the final phase, the mind was separated from itself. Between conscious and emotion, morality and ethics, right and wrong, who am I and who I am. &#x200B;Through the research and wisdom of those minds who came before me and the few minds who were there for today. I begin my own process of smelting away the old, filtering the impurities that I know to be of ill value, molding the cast of this persona and understanding the form that I must fill.&#x200B;The night is always darkest just before the dawn. The perfect mix",Depression +14264,"I just feel so trapped. So trapped.I try so hard, I really do. Whenever I get a new full time job I am very eager, I work hard. But as the weeks go by, I can feel everything falling apart. I stop exercising, I stop eating well, I am tired all the time.I feel like I expend more energy than normal people. An 8 hour work day completely floors me, even in a non-toxic work environment. I come home feeling spent. I do not have the energy to work on myself. I do not have the energy to run my errands, or manage my house, or keep my appointments. I forget important tasks all the time.Working part time I usually feel better, energy and health wise. But, then I cannot afford to improve myself. I cannot afford the gym, or healthy food, or a nice quiet apartment, or my hobbies. So then I get depressed anyway.I am really scared. I am scared things will not get better. I am scared I will never be able to live a normal, comfortable life. I am scared I will never have the energy or money for my hobbies, or for my loved ones. It makes me want to give up now, before I suffer even more whenever I work full time, I get horribly depressed. But I fear I will never be able to live a comfortable life working part time. I feel like I was born to fail.",Depression +12631,they know i cut myself and they never take the time to ask if i am okay.i cry every night because i feel lonely and feel like i do not belong.i hate them so much If I kill myself I want my former friends to feel guilty for the rest of their lives,Depression +24867,"I have stopped looking forward to days because each day is so boring . I am in college and I study , I cook ,diet and work out . Other than that , I have nothing going on in life . Any ideas as to what I can do to feel more occupied ? In self quarantine . Bored ,lonely and nothing interesting to do .",Depression +41190,nhsuk the issue with this a a formerly obese person is the jolly fat folk persona i wasn t amp all those i know amp help are not happy being fat it is a myth put out by the food industry suggesting we are happy being metabolically unhealthy the depression caused is astronomical,Depression +47996,"Bitching as usual. I'm miserable because I'm alone. I'm alone because I'm miserable. Whats the chicken and what's the egg? I dont want to be in a relationship ever again. I wish I'd never have to see another woman as long as I live. Yet I'm jealous of others because I'm invisible to them. It's completely illogical. + +I hate my shitty defective brain.",Depression +14856,"My brother [M24] is getting married and every day him and my parents argue aggressively over money. He keeps saying how other peoples parents pay towards their kids weddings. X, Y, and Zs parents paid it all, but you guys have not paid shit, I payed it all out of my pocket. It always ends with crying and violent arguing (because they actually have paid thousands towards it and done so much to support the wedding). My dad [M50] always tell me me and my brother we are not shit because we will not just give him money. He regularly gets angry and goes on an hour long rant and tells me that I raised you, paid for your food and toys and you do not repay me with shit. Just for the record, I work at a grocery store earning 9.11 an hour and just graduated college (which was free because I live in Scotland). Also, I gave my dad 4,500 years ago for an investment which I never asked for back and do not plan on it. My mum is really religious and cultural. she is an Indian Muslim. She regularly tells me she wants me to marry a Muslim girl, she wants me to have grandkids, and she wants to live with me and my family in the future. This is a normal traditional setup in our culture, but I am not Muslim (have not told anyone) nor am I cultural, nor am I ready for marriage and kids. Note: Its extremely taboo in my culture to walk away from your family. I really want to do this and hopefully I will have the confidence and means to do it one day, but I know its going to because a family meltdown, and it fills me with dread and anxiety. Everyone in my family is so entitled.",Depression +11478,Landed myself in the hospital over the weekend. Accidently on purpose took too much Tylenol when I decided to get blackout drunk to cope with all the crap going on in my life right now. did not even get to get blackout drunk because my bf called the ems on me. Now I am battling homelessness and money problems. Just more and more crap to shovel. Depression kicking my a*s lately,Depression +40168,i m and recently have gone back to school in person during covid were some of the best time of my life strangely enough a i learned i had a passion for game development and met so many cool people that i could just hang out with all day and never get bored though now that i have gone back to in person schooling i have felt so lonely i have always struggled with finding close friend with them always having someone else i feel like everyday is a massive obstacle and it s so repetitive and i just feel so lonely all the time idk what to do anymore i feel like it would just be easier to feel nothing then have to do this shit every god damn day since i don t have time to hang out with my game dev friend anymore and i just wan na die and all my other friend go to different school which make it rly impossible to get close with them i have tried talking to girl and i always fuck it up and i just can t do this shit anymore i feel so lonely and wan na km tho i know i m too much of a pussy to actually do it since it would be painful,Depression +13503,I do not want to over share as to why I feel that way but I just feel like my life is comically mediocre and bad at this point. I feel like my life is a joke for so many reasons.,Depression +21108,"I am 27 year old and recently got frustrated and depressed and lost interest on everything and lost my will to continue living when i realized that i have no power to chose or decide in my life.Like living alone, i am stuck with my parents and i cannot afford to live alone and do whatever i want.I am also working in a stressful job and never get paid on time which prevent me from financial independenceI am gay but unfortunately homosexuality is illegal in my countryMy only hobby is playing video games but recently these days i completely lost interest on them (when in fact i was super addicted during my entire life)I am searching for a new job but its so hard and life is hard and i am not even sure that a new job is what i needI have completely different state of mind than my family and never feel understood by them (nor by anyone) except people i met in europe during my education.I feel i have no future and someone is deciding on my behalf and i cannot do anything because that person who is deciding is making theright choice its like my subconscious/instinct is deciding and making the optimal decisions under the environment i am in, but these decisions are making me sad a lot because they are against my beliefs and what i want.This supposedly person is so powerful because he make the best practical decisions and have always tones of argument on their favor and i can only surrender myself and follow. Recently i am very sad and have no will to live (not to the point to suicide, i will never do that) and i am lost and people keep asking me if i am okay why i am sad, you look sad etcI feel like a minion in this world with zero impact and that my life is worthless and not human being but rather like an object because whatever happens it does not matter because everything in my life is already sh**t and i cannot change it because i already tried and keep trying and nothing good happens I have no control over my life",Depression +13060,"I have been abused so much that I do not want to have relationships with people. Maybe a few, maybe a girlfriend that is as introverted as I am.I am terrified of the world and things just get worse and worse. I just turned 22 and I am done, I do not want a social life. I want to go to my private gym, my university and my job and then stay inside. I do not want to travel or go out and party or go to bars like everyone my age is doing. I do not want a rich social life.I just want safety. All I want is to be comfortable in my room playing video games or in my brother's room hanging out. I am so anxious and terrified and I do not want to get worse. I am already so bad. it is gotten better, I used to be in my room all day every day, and now I do some stuff, but I never want to be a social person. I want to work from home when I have a career and just live a quiet life. My city and the world just gives me such horrible anxiety and the bad things that keep happening to me make my depression worse.It does not help that I have asperger's and cannot have normal relationships anyway. I just really do not enjoy life and want to preserve my safety if anything. I just want to stay inside as much as I can",Depression +24404,"I have always had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager but in recent years things have been bad. The last year has been difficult for me as I was made redundant last July. I live with my mother, I am still a virgin at the age of 31, never had a girlfriend or kiss a girl. I suffer from low confidence/self esteem issues, anxiety and depression. I have also self harmed. I have seen counsellors on several occasions, referred to CBT, taken anti depressants, spoken to the Mental Health crisis team on several occasions on the phone.It still has not hampered my thoughts of killing myself and then feeling worse for not having the courage to do so. Everyday I look in the mirror I turn away in disgust at my appearance and fight the urge to smash my head in the mirror. The only time I feel at ease is when I sleep and am not plagued by nightmares.Is it wrong to feel that though death is permanent at least the suicidal feelings in my head will stop. Suicidal thoughts",Depression +8592,"I hate that I cannot talk about my problems to my friends or family. Most of them say they want to help but when things start to get too real for them they no longer want to listen. Once you mention suicide they no longer want to be there. The worst part is that when/if I actually did go through with it, they would be the first people to say if only he reached out for help. I just want someone to try to understand what I feel and where I come from. I just want my family to understand or at least attempt to understand. Does anyone else feel this way? Are your families comfortable with listening to you? I hate that I cannot talk about it",Depression +17476,"So I am a big old ball of horrible right now and really do not know where to turn. do not have many friends who can understand how to be there or just get awkward, and for the veryyyy few people (like 2) its still a challenge to really go into how I feel.Basically I have been depressed my whole life and had a complete crash about 10 years ago trying to OD and handing in the ICU. For this whole ten years I have tried tons and tonsss of medications. Nothing worked, if it worked it worked a little, and sometimes would even be on 6 different medications. Also since then, been In therapy, been to the psych ward a fair amount and even got to the point my psychiatrist at the time was thinking electroshock therapy. I am so unable to function and impacted by + other aspects health (that i will not fully get into) that I classify as disabled and get Medicare. This past. Half of a year has just been kicking my but more and more every day and its getting so exhausting. I am in the only medications I can even take (Wellbutrin and lamotrigine) and even though it helps some. Say 10% it hardly gets me by. 90% percent of the medications I have tried do not work, work some and send me to the hospital at the same time. I cannot tell you howMany times I have been to the hospital honestly from just medications alone. All of this has built up to absolutely new lows in my life. I do not think I have ever been this bad I have tried my best for the past half year but its been slowly building up takes me 5 hours or all day to get out of bed, I cannot function anymore, I want to die everyday, I have no energy, my brain is so fried from it I can do subjects I am passionate about not just from lack of motivation but lack of being able to read. Yes, its gotten so bad I cannot read. My brain just shuts down. After it got really close to a huge tipping point where I was so close to just ending it all that my psych thought we urgently needed to do something and I told him I did not really care anymore and although it scared me we both agreed to one of the very few I have not tried: Paxil. 4 days later find my self in the ER with bradycardia and blood sugar levels so low that I almost went into a coma. The ER doctor told me to stop the medication immediately and for the next 4 days I could hardly walk and needed a cane everywhere I wentSo. I feel pretty damn hopeless. My psych, my cardiologist, my gp and my neurologist do not want me touching any psych meds besides the ones I am on. But they help so little and I am just shutting down so so hard. there is just nothing I can do, no meds to take, nothing in life that made me happy and the one thing that did make my life shine for once is gone :/ . I mean even during those moments of course depression was a thing but I was actually happy now I just lay in a dark room, rolled into a ball in the corner of my bed, been spending money I do not have, watching TV or having it in the back round i do not eat to the point my stomach feels like its being ripped from hunger pains, I cannot pay attention to anything anyone says, I have no ability to even have sex if I wanted to (but frustrated because mentally I have drive so it can make me irritable. But I am a lone so no chance of that.I am tellin you all I just see no hope. there is so many things I want to do rock climb.. read learn hike but no matter how badly I want to do it I just cantPoint being is I am in a super dark place, even darker before I tried to OD. Its been at this level for so long now I even started drinking which is something I never thought Id do. I do not drink to experience being drunk, I drink for the soul reason to get so drunk As fast as possible to pass out since it gets worse at nights when I try to sleep. This started after being at the breaking point for so long I tried to OD a month ago.I need help but there is no help to begin with. I feel like I need therapy everyday just to get by and not just once a weeks.Anyway that is only the half of it and I know this is long and I am sorry for that just feel so hopeless I do not know where to turn and where to get support there is literally no point even having appointments with a psychiatrist. You know how hopeless that makes me feel? Anyway Thanks for reading and sorry its so long. No energy to proof read, sorry. Just need to rant, some support and feel pretty hopeless especially after Paxil almost killed me. Depressed out of my mind right now.",Depression +41072,zainab 09 9 i believe she lost her battle to depression,Depression +48193,"Advice on treatment options? I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. I had a suicide attempt in high school, had to be committed to a psychiatric hospital for a couple weeks (which was highly traumatic)and was on I believe Zoloft for a few months until I moved to self medicating with alcohol and realized that the 2 don’t mix well. I’ve seen multiple therapists, but I have a very hard time being honest and open and I’ve had therapists outright drop me as a client because I wasn’t making progress. Also when I was drinking heavily it was hard to make appointments so I stopped going. + +I’ve come a very long way from this. I very rarely drink now, but I never went back to therapy or medication. I cope by staying extremely busy but I struggle on the weekends when I have less to occupy myself with. I feel like I need something to help. I’m unsure about meds because even before I could never find a dosage that helped and I don’t know if I want to start that process over again. And I also now have a masters in psychology and i have enough insight into myself to be able to understand my behavior. So I don’t think a therapist can do anything for me that I can’t do for myself, and I doubt that I can be completely open. + +Idk what I’m looking for, I guess just advice if I should try to get treatment, if it would be worth it.",Depression +37802,f i am just so tired i hate my life i know there s a beautiful side to life but oh my god i don t even wan na see it if the thing i ve been through are always going to be in the back of my head i don t feel guilty about leaving my friend or family anymore i just feel ready what i m worried about is failing,Depression +7997,My mom keep telling me to smilewhen she emotionally abused me every day. Make me want to smile or no! I am not going to smile at you. Smile is not something you ask for. You have to earn it. Stop telling me to smile !,Depression +25125,I am hurting inside... and I do not know when its going to stop. I am tired,Depression +7932,"I am about to turn 18 and I am not ready. I never planned on getting this far, living this long. That selfish desire to end it all is still there but I am too afraid to do it. I look back at 15 year old me, feeling almost the exact same way, and wish I would had the guts to do it then. If I had not taken years to dwell on it, years in which I have acheived absolutely nothing, done absolutely nothing, I might have been able to rest and find peace so much sooner. I felt like I have not slept in years, my relationship with food is only more horrendous and the only thing that forces me outside is an exercise addiction. Whatever momentary happiness I might feel when I watch a good film, or see a fox in the evening, does not make any of this worth it. I have not felt true joy in so long, I do not think I even remember what it means to actually enjoy life.I have completely wasted my teenage years. I have spent them inside for the most part, isolating myself from people and trying to sort myself out on my own. I cut people off, and other people got bored and left, and now my only good friends live thousands of miles away and I will probably never even get to meet them. I know this is my fault, and I should have tried harder to connect with people, but I just could not. It felt impossible to hold onto those who mattered. Now I watch them all, on Instagram, going about their lives and having a great time, and I am so happy for them, but I am also so selfishly jealous. That happiness they have is all I have ever wanted. If I could throw away everything I have, but be free from mental illness, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am so exhausted. I do not even know what I am doing anymore. I am about to turn 18 and I have wasted my teenage years",Depression +21288,"Am I the only one who thinks that being in your 20s is the worst years of your life ever?! I got severe anxiety bad depression at 20 and I am 24 now.. I have been trying to get my shit together by going to one of the top universities in California, working, eating healthy,and working out. I am trying to better myself! Any advice or guidance on this.. I just feel stuck, lonely, and incompetent in a sense. I do not have a lot of friends because people sucks! Quality over quantity type of thing! Cheers :) 24 and Depressed af",Depression +14544,"what is happening to me? I am taking medicine for Bipolar Disorder, but it does not look like the symptomes, it is too quick of a mood swing.What is the issue here? I am confused. I LOVE ME at mornings, but I HATE ME during afternoons :(I also wake up very early, because I am super motivated and energized and positive. Waking up extremely motivated, energized, and want to change the world. Then it falls down in a matter of hours and I barely get out of the bed. Until the evening when the motivation comes back...When i have to go to sleep...",Depression +19901,"2 years I have been unemployed. Its not close to the caliber of what I am used to, or what I used to do, but its a god damn interview. I have an interview today",Depression +38952,a friend of mine gave me feedback about something and it came off a harsh and being a sensitive person it really bothered me then i wa so upset i sobbed a few different time over the last few day then all of the sudden i called them and talked about it and told them how i felt and then i felt vibrant energetic and super enthusiastic this behavior kind of scare me should it i ve suffered from bad anxiety since i wa and i m now,Depression +41280,angery chungus most opppressed memory loss is a symptom of depression j,Depression +39591,first vent that is not related to the second one i ain t transgender i m fucking delusional he always find a way to make me feel like fucking shit i fucking hate him i thought of him like a father and now he just fucking betrays my soul he call me selfish for wanting him to see me a a boy he only give a fuck about himself he humiliates other kid and get a fucking kick out of it and i m sick of his shit sometimes i wish he understood how much i fucking suffered im having a whole fucking insane as fake as probably episode over a goddamn teacher god fucking dammit everyone tell me to just stop having such strong bond with a teacher but i can t fucking control it i can t i don t mean that in a creepy way i just genuinely want his approval so bad that it ha made me go over the fucking rail i want him to just approve me i want him to so fucking bad i insult him yet i love him like a father figure why fucking why separate vent made at the same time and just to get off that stupid as note for a minute i wish to fucking kill myself in a way where my face ain t recognizable my breast are cut the fuck off and the part at the bottom is fucking burned off to a crisp it s almost what i fucking fantasize about at this point maybe then the red neck degenerate won t try to dig me up and fuck me or some stupid as shit like that oh i ll know they will find my female abomination but at least i ll give them the nightmare to look at when i m fucking gone sexy sexy sexy that s what she called it oh how she wanted my body to be hers sick fuck i m gon na be sick just like her i fucking know it i m just an attention seeker bitch or just insane i can t tell at this point fucking bitch,Depression +14765,"For over 30 years, I suffered from depression and anxiety. Having been on a variety of medications with minimal relief, I had succumb to the fact that I would never be happy. I thought that I would just continue to exist until my thoughts got the best of me.I tried ketamine infusions last April. I had 6 infusions over a span of 3 weeks. I cannot remember a time when I have been in a better place than now. Mentally, physically, and spiritually....my life has been changed. Consequently, I implore others to try it. While the IV infusions are expensive, there is an FDA approved nasal spray called Spravato. Most insurance will cover it if you can prove that your depression is treatment resistant. I hope that you can find hope and peace in knowing that there is something out there that can help you. I tried ketamine and feel great",Depression +48081,I can't focus at all on anything it just took me 3 hours to read and understand 30 slides of my lecture in a course that i wanted to do. I have no clue how to get this done until my exam,Depression +40246,everyone ha a particular reason for existence everyone ha a motivation an incentive to move forward in their life life is undoubtedly an amazing gift bestowed by the creator and death is perhaps the biggest nightmare but to some it s the opposite sometimes everything seems meaningless someone like me who is afraid to take even the smallest step that involves pain actually doesn t deserve to live let alone succeed besides what are the odds that i will succeed the feasibility of succeeding seems to be lessening a every single moment is fading away they won t return back i am not writing these word emotionally i am completely within my sense thing lately have been very tough and i know how doe a precarious life can eventually lead to depression and suicidal thought,Depression +7644,"I have been overposting today for some reason. In a manic mood i supposed or whatever. I have been dealing with a lot lately, and even though its been about 3-4 years since I have relapsed I am feeling very weak today and i think i may break. Like nothing i do seems to give me relief unless its gobbling down a pill or two, or just drugs in general. I hate it. I want some kind of change and it hurts knowing that will not happen. I want to be happy, not just for the day. But actually FEEL it day after day. Trigger warning",Depression +16628,"My girlfriend of nearly 4 years suffers from depression. She was diagnosed back in her late teens, and used to take medication for it. we have both had our ups and downs through the relationship with this issue, but we always work through it. Every once in awhile she will have a manic breakdown, and say things like everyone would be better off if I did not exist or I make everyone is lives miserable. Obviously these claims are not true, and I tell her that. But lately she seems to be doing it more and more. She says she would never hurt herself, but I just think she realizes what emotional damage this does to me. She sees a therapist once a month, and she refuses to take her depression medication. In fact, she has not taken it for the past 6 or 7 years. She used to be a daily weed smoker, but quit cold turkey a year ago.Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her? Or any advice I could give her? Girlfriend says everyone would be better off without her",Depression +10272,"I feel so worthless. I have given up on myself. I am 19. I am in college and my grades are decent, but I have no job, no friends, no license, and no activities. I am taking a summer class right now and I have completely given up on even attempting to do well in that. I suffer from OCD and there are so many compulsions I feel like I need to engage in at the moment that I feel like I cannot even do them. Which is maybe good, but the obsessive thoughts are still there. My family does not give me the support I need because they do not understand nor do they care enough. I feel like I have no one and nothing. I am not in good shape physically. But I want to change that. I see people who are so happy and successful. How can I be like them? Where do I even start? I just feel like I am so far from happiness and success that I can never reach it. Is there a method? How can I get my life together?",Depression +16484,Sort of. cares are gone fuck the world but also could easily kill myself it is hilarious. Are they gone? I feel fantastic So fuck drunk but I am happy,Depression +38784,i ve been dealing with multiple health issue currently having bad pain in my broken tooth my dentist checked it out last week and said it just need pulled and put me on antibiotic have an appointment to get it pulled this weekend but it look so infected im worrying of course about it causing death because im in pain i really feel like making another appointment to check it again but they don t seemed worried at all i just want to cuddle next to my bf or mom or dad but the anxiety always happens at night and no one want to wake up and help comfort me,Depression +22371,"I am ready to do it, took 20 benzos pills plus alcohol yesterday but it was not enough. I just blacked out. How much more do I need to take to end it? How to do it?",Depression +11811,I cannot take this anymore I feel fucking useless I cannot stand this I have a degree I need an income not even a fucking sub shop wants me. Unemployment fucking sucks. If someone does not fucking hire me,Depression +23868,"I have struggled with depression on and off but the last few months have been especially hard. I have finally come to terms that it is depression and that I am not just being dramatic. But I cannot do this anymore. The pain I am in is not going away no matter how many times I talk to a therapist or try and distract myself. I want to feel nothing. I do not want to be happy, sad, angry, nothing. How can I do this. Also, I am trying to avoid the suicidal thoughts because I do not want that, I know there are things I can try and not have to take it there I need help",Depression +20869,"normally when my depression kicks in, or if i have instructive thoughts, i can shut it out. not this time. its getting worse, i cannot turn it off this time. my meds are not working, i do not know what to do. its getting worse",Depression +7653,"I am not planning to yeet myself currently, but just in case, I want to know.Any sort of pill or way that can kill you with minimal discomfort?I am just so exhausted right now and I break into a cold sweat very often, and I hate this feeling so much I do not want to endure it. I definitely do not want to endure it during death, hence why I am asking. Are there currently any painless ways of death today?",Depression +25214,"I was diagnosed when I was 16. Turning 31 in September and this last year has been the worst experience to go through. Lost the most beautiful amazing girlfriend, along with so-called ""friends"". I have been and going through mental torture even after being told to kill myself rather. I am thinking that after all these medications, treatments and rehab stins is all even worth it. Nothing really got better besides having to coast through life this past year all by myself with my moms help and motivation. I can deal with not having friends as honest truthful loyal people with hard to come by in todays modern age but losing my girl completely broke me. Sure i can blame it on the pandemic but I should gave known better then to hope it would pass by quick. It kept me from my girl who is also a healthcare worker which made it even more difficult. Losing her broke me down mentally and physically to the point I ended up in hospital last year after a overdose. The worst was to come after leaving the hospital. I tried to mend relationships which were long gone for the lack of being a better person. I will always aim to be the better person as I am not in this game called life to break my fellow human down. As my psychiatrist said, I would rather hurt myself then to hurt the next person who have done me wrong because my moral value does not allow me to hurt anyone physically or mentally. But having it done onto me, depression kicks in and panic arises which I cannot control. Reason for me not being able to speak freely to anybody as I have no close ""friend or companion"" that I can trust. My heart is broken and my head is in shambles. I miss my Ex-GF dearly every single day as it was the only relationship that ever felt real to me. It was not young puppy love, it was real and I have no way of getting it back. The thought of not ever seeing her again haunts me every single day which is why I just want to give up. I would be selfish in saying life is tough but I would also be honest in saying it. I do not want to wonder around life anymore with the hopes of things getting better. I am way past that already. Everything is ruined. I do not have a dad, he passed when I was 12. I want to let go so that my mom can enjoy her golden years by being happy again and not have to worry about her everyday depressed son. I will not get the opportunity to make Pikachu smile again, the opportunity vanished and 10 July is a day I regret in my life. So much for this thing called life when you cannot be happy. 30 years old now, I do not want this for the next 30. Call me selfish all you want. I would rather be in heaven then live on earth in a living mental hell. Contemplating If All is Worth It Battling Depression",Depression +47900,"I can't do this anymore But I don't know how to do it. I want to end it. I'm living on a government pension, and have a meeting to discuss my health problems on Thursday, tomorrow I have a job interview first one in ages and I just can't do it. I don't want to do it anymore",Depression +39127,for context the last year of my life ha been filled with bad mistake regret fear anxiety attack and existential crisis that have left me feeling numb and indifferent to people i believe i ve become emotionally unattached and this ha created a fear in me that i may have lost the ability to fall in love or never wa able to from the first place am i overthinking this or is there more to my struggle,Depression +15381,"Yesterday I was (finally) having a great time after a lot of shitty days, i was cooking while listening to my favourite music, I was feeling so good... until my mother came, then the music just stopped and I started feeling like always. I had a Knife in my hands and I thought about stabbing myself with it but it would be stupid. Its a shit to live with someone like my mom. She has 0 empathy to other people and she is also very hypocrite.She always told us to be kind to other people, to do not judge them for their appareances. Then she said that my sister's taste for clothes is like going to a ""Carnaval"" or costume party.She always told us to do not lie and to not hide the truth but she is always lying to my dad and telling him that we need money for school or something. Then my dad send her money and it just evaporates or something (she has A LOT of shoes in her closet).She always told us that the violence is not a solution but i clearly remember hearing her threatening my sister. Saying that she would break her face if she does not listen and obbey. I also can remember the day she came form work and hit me because I had not thrown the trash.She always told us that we can trust her but she has been bothering me a lot because I do not care about her anymore and she thinks that I smoke weed or something. Seriously? the person who since he was a child has refused alcohol every time you have offered him?She also told us that she care about us and she is always ther to hear and hep us but when I said that i only wanted to be calm she got mad and started yelling at me and asking if she is the reason I am like this. Then she said that she does not care if I am fake. ""When i get home from work i want you to be smiling and hug me"" she said. Almost everyday she ask me if I have something to tell her or if I need help or Blah blah blah. I always says no. I does not want to talk to her because I now that it would get even worse. This morning she made me wake up at 4.30 AM and cross the whole damn city with her. Then when we arrived to the place we waited 20 minutes and she told me that I did not needed to be there and that i could go home. Wtf? She knows that I have ""School"" so she just wanted to disturb me. Fortunately will not see her for the next 2 days as she will be in the hospital. She showed me the way there but I am not going to visit her. I forgot to write a loooot of things but I started feeling worse and i have to leave. Everytime my mom is near me I just want to stab myself with a Knife",Depression +8691,"Have been on the bathroom floor unable to breathe from crying so hard. Its just not worth it, I mean nothing and am so unimportant Want to die",Depression +17129,"Doc warned me about this. And I think it is starting to hit now, because I am recognizing the same feelings. How long does this last for, and after it is done, will things go back to how I felt 2 weeks ago? (happy, btw. it was nice for change)Thanks! Started 10mg Lexapro a month ago. (Lightweight, I know.) Hitting that 4-6 week low now. How long does this last?",Depression +11544,"Idk if I have depression or what, I just do not feel like I used to some years ago, when I would talk with friends normally. I loved debating and was always confident of what to say and that what I was saying made sense, now I just feel like whatever I say might be a stupidity, it is becoming hard to understand stuff, I can read something over and over again and my mind will not absorb the information like before, like I am not every reading it. I have zero confidence on myself. I am feeling worthless",Depression +39811,so i started having suicidal thought in april of last year and they lasted until around november in october i started hanging out with a girl and we started becoming good friend not romantic just friendship my mental health started getting a lot better after a couple month of friendship with her and it s kept getting better ever since a few day ago i made a passive aggressive comment that really upset her she won t text me back now i ve tried apologizing and trying to make thing right with her but i haven t heard back from her i m afraid i ve ruined this friendship forever and now my suicidal thought are back for the first time since last year i always hurt the people that i care about and i hate myself so much that i do this,Depression +21273,"I feel like its torture. Seeing others have fun doing whatever. I think to myself I do not deserve it so I do not do anything, andmy mood falls andit just ruins my day. I am like that one guy at a waterpark that sits and watches stuff while everyone is out having a blast. Self hatred sucks. Doing fun things with people actually brings me down and makes me feel sad.",Depression +40161,it s like knowing your place in this world i ve always been proud of me i always felt i ve done thing a they should be done fairly loving good people listen to others helping them always trying to draw a smile on their face and making their world a better place because life is short and everyone deserves to be happy no matter what and i thought i deserved that too but all i can see is that i m lonier than ever i never felt what is being loved the only partner i had abused and cheated on me leaving me memory like me cry next to him and he sleeping peacefully i ve been in love recently again but i got rejected like a few time before that previous relationship i guess i m not good enough a always there s always prettier people than me i lost friend and people i thought they were my friend family and the two three friend i have now can t understand how lonely i feel some of my friend deceived me when i thought they would be here for me at hard time like i always did for them all i try to be happy seems to be in vain i will never be precious to someone i m sure that people who know me will still live if i die so i don t care anymore if i die right now life go on for them but i want to stop mine now my place isn t in this world i m hoping for a sudden death like a car accident a domestic accident or something that kill me because i m a coward and i won t kill myself hoping my parent donate my organ so someone with force of will life a happy life a life i wanted for me but i never got,Depression +47323,Who are the BEST psychiatrist who specialize in depression in the US? Need recommendations. Ty I am in urgent need of a RENOWNED psychiatrist in the US. Local psychiatrist has not been able to help in a year and I am desperate. I will go anywhere…just need the best. Ty,Depression +8981,I am bored. I am unhappy. I am alone. The quality of the earth is declining rapidly. I want out. I do not want to be alive anymore,Depression +15657,"Women actually suck bc they ignore me, leave me, do not care about my depression. Fcking hate women and the men for taking my women. All humans suck but women hurt me and ignore me now Women suck",Depression +27009,"I am 17. For the past year or so I have been showing early signs of schizophrenia. I am losing focus in things, cannot do basic tasks right, disoriented thinking and most importantly feels like demons talking to me.Like I genuinely hear faint voices telling me things plus I also randomly think of bizarre things out of the blue. Lately I cannot seem to trust even the few closest people to me. I feel like I am a burden to them, That I do not mean anything to anyone and that they will be safe without me. I have even severed ties with probably the greatest friend I would have met in my life cuz of this.It hurts and I feel stranded with no one I can trust. People say there is no cure but it can be maintained. How do I stop these demons in my head? not sure if this is the right place or not but any schizophrenics here who could give some advice?",Depression +24647,"there is nothing more to say. The guy seemed completely annoyed, giving one sentence responses, and when I told him he was being helpful he just ended the chat.Granted, I am difficult to deal with, but now I do not know what to do since the helpline is like a last resort kind of thing. Helpline made me feel worse",Depression +39147,when you lay down to sleep and your head keep running thought which either give you guilt or anxiety and you can not stop and reach a state when you have to smack your head with head which cause some pain but give relax for sometime a now your brain focus on pain you have caused by smacking instead of running those stupid thought,Depression +24118,Its painful waking up every morning acting like everythings alright. I just want to cry! I am sick of dealing with life ; (,Depression +20837,Hi my names jay I am feeling depressed I have been feeling like this for quite a while I am feeling down,Depression +12861,Know what is worse than the bad news/situations you find yourself in? When the other party\[s\] are doing A-okay if not better. Screw with someone is life? Have your own life go swell to boot. Envy Sucks.,Depression +21869,"I feel like people do not understand how hard it is to get better, I can do everything right and still feel depressed, its so hard to do anything. People think if I just go to therapy and stuff I ll be better but that is not how it works Its so hard living with depression",Depression +25761,"I have been completely apathetic towards everything for years now, so I have been not caring. However, the only time I feel at peace and comfortable is in the car home from work. I hate going to sleep because I do not want to do this all over again. I hate driving to work because I do not want to go. I hate being home because I am lonely and I do not like to be there. I cannot form relationships with anyone and I hate everything.At least I have 25 minutes for myself on the way home I do not Care",Depression +18518,Meds gave me better vision Depression made me feel like I was constantly looking through a dirty window,Depression +47491,"Getting treated like shit for being a trans girl It's been 1 and a half year, and I'm still getting ignored by my so called family, wtf am i supposed to do here. Getting treated like this in the whole town is one thing, but i want at least one person here to treat me like every other cis girl, I'm freakin tired of this and I lose all the motivation to do anything. I'm born in a country where being trans is like being a demon or some shit, what do i do",Depression +41372,adewunmitemit 9 weirdpeace olumurewa the sound of your depression,Depression +15117,When you are constantly treated like scum but have to pretend that everything is ok. When you are under constant stress because someone wants to have you under control so that their life is easier. When there is no escape because depression and anxiety got the best of you and now you are unable to do anything anymore.I never thought I would be able to have so much hate in my heart. I always try and forgive people but I cannot and will not forgive someone who is ok with putting me down so that they can live a comfortable life and feel good about themselves. I never thought I would be able to hate the way I do,Depression +24422,"Hey everybody my name is Julius, and trough my life I have always fell in love with very nice girls but everytime i do i always push them away and i ger realy mad at my self its like I am abusing my self over and sover again, it is like i cannot stop doing it but I am doing it with out thinking its like when i get to conferble around them i always mess it up and they always end up leaving i just realy need help because I am realy getting sad and angry at my self idk what to do I am pushing them away",Depression +10169,"This year has been a bit challenging emotionally. I am not really sure where to go with this as I hate burdening my loved ones with really unhappy things, so for now I am just going to yell into the void of Reddit so I can organize all my thoughts and get them out. In short: I am extremely unhappy with the person I seem to be recently. Its almost like I was a different person last year and even the year before that especially. I was happier. Everything was generally okay. Life felt good for the most part. And now, for the past 6 or 7 months or so, I have been largely a hot mess.It does not make much sense, because things are good right now. I should be happy. In December I moved into my own place with my partner who I love dearly, and everything between us is wonderful. We adopted a cat. I was able to find a job here in our new town right after moving. I have made acquaintances despite my horrible social anxiety. In theory, everything is *wonderful*. But for some reason, despite all that, I have spent the grand majority of this time going through cycles of misery. My self-esteem has hit an all time low, and that is saying something. I frequently put myself down. I feel like a failure despite my accomplishments. I have been crying almost daily, or at least several times a week. I seem to cry way more easily now, because I used to only cry every once in a while. I have many moments almost on the daily where I just feel very sad, angry, or grumpy. Sometimes my entire day will be ruined by one small thing and I will turn into an irritable unfun person for pretty much the rest of the day. I hate being this way. It cannot be fun for my loved ones, and its certainly not fun for me. I have been withdrawing from keeping in touch with friends, too. Deep down, I am afraid they secretly do not want to hear from me. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I cannot help thinking it.I am not sure if this is depression or what. I have struggled with anxiety and OCD since I was a child but I have never been to a psychologist about this specific issue. And now I am in a small town so access to in person therapy is rough to find. I am looking for telehealth options, but in the meantime I am unsure what to make of myself lately. Sometimes I worry I am just overreacting, but it cannot be okay to feel this way so consistently... right? Does this sound normal, or is it worth seeking help?",Depression +13936,"I suffer from depression, and the last time I was hospitalized was in 2013.Currently, I am going through an extremely dark period. The pain is unbearable. I am not sure whether I will do something about it, but I do have suicidal ideation.How do you know when to go to hospital? In what ways can hospital be useful? it is been so long that I am unsure of the answer to these questions. When do you know to go to hospital?",Depression +48132,"How do I help my depressed friend? So, I (20f) became friends with this guy (27m) about a year ago. We get along well and talk mostly everyday. Of course there are days when he's not really active and vise versa and I completely understand that. In the past he's voiced not wanting to be alive and it worried me but his mood seemed to lift afterwards. Well, recently he started venting about life and told me he's contemplating killing himself. His mom's sick, he's the only one supporting his family financially and he's a single dad. I tried to do my best to listen and let him know I'm there for him but I'm still worried about him. I don't feel like anything I'm doing is enough. So I guess my question is how can I best help my friend.",Depression +37768,with applying to college i m currently a spring admin freshman college student and i d like to transfer specifically i want to transfer to college out of state i know this doesn t seem like the sub to just ask random people for help with this kind of thing but i just find it so hard to get myself to do so it s just so hard and i don t have anyone to turn to there s sooo much to take into account it s extremely overwhelming i just need some kind of tip or encouragement i literally have no friend or adult to talk to about this or help guide me,Depression +39456,it s something i feel multiple time a day i get even more anxious when i don t get reply or when someone leaf and drive some place else i always have to check my parent cctv camera they gave me access to it i can t help but think something bad might happen i ve been like this since i wa a child my first memory of this fear wa when i wa around or year old and my grandparent drove to a place i considered far i wa so worried i had to ask my mom if they ll be safe do you experience the same thing how s it like for you how did you get over it if you ever did,Depression +39297,also i can t even look nobody in the eye because of it wtf do i do it s ruining the relationship i have with my family and parent it s just pissing me tf off i went to get a haircut today but walked tf out because i wa too anxious and my anxiety wa high so when i walked in i sat all the way in the back so my barber and other people wouldn t see me because of my dumbass anxiety but how else wa i gon na get a cut if he couldn t see me right so like i said i just walked tf out with my head down n cried when i got home,Depression +7094,"I am 31. I was living my perfect life for 7 years. Prior to that I was depressed and felt lost in life. I was engaged to my soulmate, the one person I felt Id spent my life searching for and could not live without. We had a beautiful 4 bed house in need of work which I was working hard on renovating. I was also at university getting a bachelor of science in CGI having realised finally what I wanted to do with my life. I was a whirlwind of happiness and productivity. We were looking forward to when I graduated so we could work more on the house together, get married finally, and start trying for a baby. For the first time in my life I had lasting long-term happiness, it was beautiful. The week I graduated she told me she would fallen out of love with me and there was nothing to be done. I think my absence and stress due to uni had turned me into a burnt out, argumentative, and barely present person over lockdown. She had ownership of the house so I lost that too and had to move back in with my parents. I had so much work still to do to create a showreel and get a job and was kind of looking forward to doing it but now I have lost all passion for my work. Its been 3 months and I still dream about her every night. I lay in bed drifting in and out of consciousness until the afternoon, unable to face another day of rotting away in my parents dark spare room. The amount of daylight I waste in bed means I have to spend more of the worst, loneliest hours of the late night unable to sleep.I do not want to die, I just want my old life back, but that is never going to happen. My existence is utterly intolerable. My life crumbled in a week, I lost everything, I am now a lost soul",Depression +13065,"Does anyone else experience severe mood swings throughout the day? I almost always wake up feeling godawful, anxious and depressed. It tends to ease up a little bit as the day goes on, but by the evening I tend to feel depressed/suicidal again and it happens in very abrupt little episodes. Its getting worse and incredibly bizarre. I was literally Just fantasizing about how much I want to be free of all this pain and that I am so numb I would do it with no problem. 30 minutes later I felt normal again and had no idea why I was thinking that way. I have seen some old posts on r/depression talking about how they experience depression similarly, but its so extreme and bizarre i have trouble believing something horrible is not going on. Someone hold me. TLDR; My mood switches between extreme sadness, lethargy, depression, suicidality, and back to normal all day long Massive mood swings all day long?",Depression +21007,"Factors I should probably mention: \- I am a 16-year old girl (so I am probably just being overdramatic)\- I moved to a different country when I was 12 so that did not help my mental health lol \- I live in an abusive household &#x200B;How I have felt since i can remember: \- empty (when I was in kindy/primary school I used to tell my mum that I felt as if something was missing but with no idea of what it was)\- lonely and out of place \- I am wayyy too emotional\- I need a person to be codependent on &#x200B;How I have felt since I was 12: \- I wish I did not exist\- Very extreme mood swings (from depressed to euphoric, from angry/bowling my eyes out to laughing)\- Very very rarely, I hear sounds/voices and see bugs crawling on walls and my skin that are not there (I do not even think I should mention it because it is happened a handful of times and I am aware that it is not real after a couple of seconds)\--> to give clarification, I do not fully see bugs or hear words; I see them for a few seconds through a veil/not directly where I am looking at. \- Insomnia (lucky me)\- I will go from fantasizing about kms for weeks or months to feeling pure euphoria... kind of like there is too much energy inside my body (ngl it is a pretty good high hahahah)\- So much guilt \- I honestly hate myself (look at me typing this long-ass post just to feel special smh)\- I am just so pathetic tbh \- When I feel that euphoria/energy, I feel invincible and I become even more impulsive than usual (popping a tab on a school night, cutting my hair, getting stick and pokes, piercing myself, changing my entire bedroom, spending too much money, deciding that I want to become a professional \*the amount of hobbies/projects I have started but never finished is the length on the Odyssey hahah\*, deciding I want to go to the beach and swim in the ocean fully clothed etc.)\- panic attacks (the worst one I had lasted over two hours, I kept going in and out of consciousness bc of the hyperventilation and had to call an ambulance)\- I feel like a sack of shit but at the same time I am so different and distant to everyone and feel ""special"" or ""gifted"" to an extent (I sound like such a narcissist sorry)&#x200B;What I think is wrong with me? Nothing; I probably just have depression that is purely situational due to my family, but please please I need to hear what other people think about this. Life is pointless and the more I grow up, the more it feels like a simulation/test of some sort? It honestly makes no sense; it is just emptiness and loneliness. Thanks everyone for your time! <3 What the fuck is wrong with me? Pls someone help me figure it out",Depression +38348,to preface i would like to apologize in advance for any posting informality this is my first reddit post i just graduated university in may of 0 and received a job at a global digital marketing agency agency life a a first job wa too emotionally taxing for my well being and gave me extremely bad performance anxiety i quit this job right before the start of 0 and have been looking for a job since i briefly had a job in february of 0 however a close friend of mine offed himself and i wa fired for taking time off to grieve due to this i started taking prozac and visiting a therapist once a week thing were going fine until i decided to drink on prozac one night and have a psychotic episode this episode caused me to get extremely aggressive towards my roommate for no reason i wa running down a list of accusation some true and some untrue however my girlfriend worried for the safety of my roommate decided to slap me in hope to end the episode terrible idea i know amp we have no history of domestic abuse this lead me into a meltdown where i called the cop trying to get her arrested for assault along with spewing false detail of thing that i wa hallucinating the cop soon realized i wa having an episode and luckily didn t press charge and talked me somewhat down from being aggressive once they left i packed up every item i own and drove hour to my family s house i don t remember anything until i wa almost finished packing my stuff i severely hurt my roommate and girlfriend i don t think about coming back because of how overwhelming the guilt will feel i m not sure what i should do and my brain is focusing on the permanent solution i guess the reason for this post is to ask for any advice or tip i didn t want to drone on regarding other incident so i ll leave a list below of what s happened in the past year cut off abusive parent experienced a few other meltdown due to work school stress lost a ton of friend due to self isolation took too many psychedelics which ha given me bad general anxiety wa arrested and impulsively moved halfway around the u before i wa ready to life for the past year ha gone continuously downhill for me i can t realistically see a way out of this,Depression +38230,so i m om an anti depressant and i feel it work somewhat i ve tried many others that just don t i ll be ok for a while just ok not cured or anything then ill hit these pit where i can t find joy in anything not even doing stuff with my kid like i just wan na lay in bed all day type of depression and idk what to do i do struggle with substance abuse and i know that s a big part in it i just didn t wan na get too into detail about it here i m so stuck i feel like i m in a funk and just wan na get out i ve struggled with substance abuse for a few year now which ha just worsened my depression honestly,Depression +13100,"I have never felt so alone, worthless, unloveable and hopeless in my life. I do not know what to do to feel better. Nothing helps. I hate everything right now. I cannot stop crying. My chest hurts. Why am I the worst person that everyone gets sick of? Help",Depression +18422,So every expert has told me that once I stopped smoking pot after awhile I would not be so depressed. Today after 4 weeks I passed a drug test! Problem is that I am still depressed like I was before as a user. Nothing has changed at all! I feel completely wronged. I am really thinking about just saying f it and smoking a joint. Anyone else have this problem? How could the experts be so wrong? Stopped smoking pot and still depressed,Depression +18233,"I never had anyone to open up to, not until I met my girlfriend. Things were going great. The moment I get attached to someone, I start to slowly open up. I trust her. I share my traumas to her and I think it is now overwhelming her. By the time I open up about the people causing my trauma, she gets mad at how obnoxious these certain people are. I do admit that at times, I speak ill to these people. This is the time where I am infuriated and speak whatever that I have been locking up in my mind. Unconsciously, bottled up emotions then start to act up. I am a very distant person. Once I get attached to someone, its something else. The everyday person that everyone knew well is far from the way I act towards the person I am attached to. I have observed that she is starting to get overwhelmed about the problems I have gone and still going through. Despite talking about this and that, I can easily perceive her body language. She checks up on me and wants me to open up. she is the only person I could open up to. I remembered the moment where she told me she is THAT special for me to finally open up. She was giddy about this idea. I have reminded her that she should not fix me, but I do understand that as my very partner, there is a sense of responsibility to it despite the constant reassurance. I am doing my best to pretend to her that I am having great progress on being genuinely happy. Since then I started to keep silent about my personal conflicts; however, she could, at times, notice. Now here I am in reddit, venting out anonymously. It is my only escape. I can vent out, have temporary peace knowing there is such media platform with users I deeply relate to, be detracted from reality, and avoid putting much burden on my partner. This may sound stupid to some that I would sacrifice my own well-being and dignity to her, but if I had to be honest, I have never felt love being in love and being loved, for a long time. she is the best that has ever happened to me. I value her to my very core. Without her, I am certain that I would be dead right now. Losing her is my last straw. As long as I have reddit, a place to vent out, there will always be a number of people who will bring me to a whole sense of belonging. Hiding from my partner",Depression +8477,"I am 25F. I was diagnosed with depression at 12, and borderline personality disorder at 23. It comes and goes, but when its bad its BAD. Things are not going amazing in my life at the moment, but also not particularly bad, either. But i feel like I am in a serious slump.I have tried therapy multiple times in the last 13 years, multiple different therapists and approaches but it honestly has never done anything for me at all.I have been on SO many different medications throughout the years, and finally am on one that helps more than the others, but still not fully. Nobody in my family deals with any mood disorders, so they are not very understanding when i do go through slumps, so i feel like I am not taken seriously and no one truly understands how bad i feel.I also do not want to try therapy again for the simple fact that i cannot afford it. I make too much for Medicaid, and even with good insurance i was paying almost $300 out of pocket, twice a month, just for therapy alone, not including my general appointments for my medication.I really only have 3 people i can talk to. One being my boyfriend of 6 years, who is supportive and as helpful as he can be, but given the fact hes never struggled with it himself, he does not really understand. The other is my best friend who is honestly not the greatest friend in general, and i feel like i bother her when i talk to her. The last person is my sister, but she picks and chooses when she wants to listen/help.I hate burdening people with my issues, and i feel that is all i do. But i also feel like I am going to lose my mind. do not really know what to do anymore",Depression +15386,"I used to be very suicidal and have attempted to end my life before (thankfully non-successfully) and in the recent months I found myself loving life for the first time. In the past few weeks or so this feeling has gone away. I now have spent all of my nights sitting and thinking with a feeling so hollow that I cannot even put it into words. I thought Id come out of my depressive state but now it feels more like I was only able to set it aside because of how busy I have been during recent events. Nowadays its gotten worse, though. I am not going to pretend like I do not have any friends or something; the truth is I have more than I can count. But I have never been able to share personal information with any of them, even those I have known for most of my life. In addition to this, I have a girlfriend of 3 and a half years who I have been feeling distant with recently. She is always upset with me and has become less understanding of me and the things I try to tell her. I think the reason for this is that were both growing but unfortunately were growing in different directions. It just pains me to know that despite all these people in my life, they all see me as a crutch. I am someone to talk to when THEY have an issue. Once their issues are resolved they only keep me close enough so I can help when they need it again. I just really wish I had somebody in my life who could match who I am that I did not have to be a therapist for. A person who could level with me instead of trying to be under my wing. It might be my fault though, because I tend to try seeking control or leadership so I give people the impression that I am the one to turn to, yet people do not expect me to turn to them. I am not even sure what I am trying to gain from writing this, I have just run out of options. If you read this, thank you. If you have any insight or anything please let me know. I am afraid I am falling back into the depression I thought I got rid of",Depression +15195,that is pretty much it. I am so lonely and touch deprived that I just need someone to hold me. For hours. I need a hug,Depression +7323,"I feel like I have always had one sided friendships. like I am always the one who puts in all the work. And it sucks because it used to hurt less. When I was a kid, before I moved for the first time, friendships were easy. My best friend lived a few houses down and wed have sleepovers all the time. we did not have phones so we would talk and hangout during recess and on the weekends. and then I moved. and I was the weird new kid. it took me three years to make friends. and just when I started to fit in, we moved again. and again, I was the weird new kid. I would somehow find my way into friend groups that were already established. but because they would known each other forever, they never included me in anything. because I was not really one of them. I bounced around friend groups for 3 years. until I met the new weird girl. we bonded over how shitty moving was and we made fast friends. we are still best friends more than 10 years later. we made our own friend group and it was nice. but she graduated 2 years before I did. and the year after she left, my friend group changed. we took in two freshman that seemed to hate me for no other reason than I was the defacto leader. they thought they were hot shit and gossiped and lied and turned my friends against me. except one. and I was... okay. I had other friends and spent time on the sidelines in their friend groups. but then they all graduated. or moved. and it was just me and a school full of people who either hated me or did not know I existed. I was facing senior year alone and with the worst schedule I had ever seen a senior have. so I dropped out. cut off all my hair. attended the local community college to get my GED. kept my head down mostly. did not really make friends. after I got my GED I kept taking classes. nothing in particular, just general stuff. edged my way into more friend groups. again, they never made plans with me. but I was used to it. I did my own thing. and I was ok. I had a job then. and a semi decent boyfriend. I wasted two years in college and never got enough credits to even really count as half a year. dropped out. lost all my school friends when I stopped going to school. worked and spent time with my boyfriend. life was good I had my best friend who hung out with me all the time, a good job, and a semi decent boyfriend. and then we broke up. and my parents moved. so I moved. in with a man twice my age in a state id never been to. and he went to work in Alaska. left me alone in a house with four animals to look after, a job that gave me four hours a week and a freezer full of burritos. i made one friend that was a good friend. kept me company when I needed it. washed my dishes if I made him food. took me out places. he was probably the only reason I am still alive. then the man who is house I lived in came back. I somehow managed to get back with my ex in that time and I moved with my parents to another state id never been in. the friend who would saved me stopped texting. stopped responding. after six months of no friends and no job, I moved back to my ""hometown"" to be with my boyfriend. who kicked me out in less than a month. so I lived with my sister. and her two kids, husband and fil. slept on a cot in my niece's room. eventually broke up with my boyfriend. worked too many hours in a job that sucked and did not have time or money to make friends. in a desperate move, I moved in with a new partner. to a different state. this one I would at least visited. I got a job. we had nice roommates. everything was nice. until my partner had a mental breakdown. moved out. left me alone where I could not afford the rent. so I moved across the country, back to my parents. where I live still. I have been here for two years. no job. a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and one friend. that never reaches out if I do not reach out first. never wants to spend time with me unless I ask. and suddenly I am back in middle school. a depressed fuck with no real friends, no motivation and a the biggest wish to have never existed in the first place. shitty friends are the worst. I do not even try anymore. I do not want to try anymore. I want to fade into the background until no one remembers I ever existed. If you are reading this, know that I do not want to die. I do not want to stop living. my death would be too painful to people I care about. I would never do that to them. but if a genie came to me and gave me one wish, I would ask to have never been born. obviously, there is a lot more going on that fuels my depression but this is the most prevalent right now. Rant. Down in my feels tonight. it is a long one.",Depression +8004,"I wanted to be intimate with my partner but I could not. He was over me making out with me, but I began to cry and as his hands wandered it felt worse. It felt as I was looking at my motionless body, laying there powerless and it felt as I was suffocating. I eventually was able to tell him to stop and left, but I love him and we have done this before but lately anytime intimacy is close to happening I experience the same thing, he does not know about my depression. No one does. I cannot be intimate",Depression +41083,proflappleby my person diagnosis depression been told nothing more cmht can do,Depression +47322,"Is this depression & anxiety? I’ve been really struggling for 3+ years now. My symptoms are down mood, EXTREME exhaustion no matter how +much I sleep, feelings of being on edge, feeling spaced out 24/7 like my mind is slow and foggy, feeling disconnected from myself and those around me, a bit dizzy or lightheaded, feeling no motivation and like everything feels hard, feeling as though I could loose my mind at any second and just general groggy and confused feeling even though I never do actually loose touch with reality. + +I have had blood work, brain MRI, every thing is normal! But truly I feel so strange and run down and frustrated every single day. + +Please, has anyone had these symptoms? Can they truly all be caused by poor mental health? And can they someday go away?? I am losing hope.",Depression +39213,i feel like when i m drunk i act like everyone else around me doe sober and i hate it like i ll talk more il feel more confident in myself everything in my existence will feel worth living,Depression +38392,tldr here are my question ha anyone had depression symptom improve after they broke up with a long term partner who wa not right for them were you able to see in retrospect how the bad relationship wa intensifying your mental health problem how did you make the decision to break up my current depressive episode ha been going strong since mid 0 0 with almost no letup i m in therapy for childhood trauma for the first time therapist say i have cptsd i can feel my deep self hatred beginning to heal which is something i didn t think wa possible it s awesome but my depression symptom are getting worse no motivation feeling of complete emptiness gnawing sadness my work in therapy ha also illuminated aspect of my year romantic relationship which mirror the emotional abuse i suffered a a child i have been a candid a possible with this about my partner they have been genuinely remorseful and we are working on shifting our dynamic in couple therapy i am pleased to see change in the way they treat me but i don t feel any le pissed off about waking up alive everyday it s really difficult to parse out how much of this current depressive episode is coming from my brain chemistry and how much is coming from the fact that i m living with someone who betrayed my sense of emotional safety i m trying to forgive my partner because i truly love them with all of my heart and want to give our relationship a fair chance to improve but i am struggling to forgive them for the borderline emotional abuse that happened,Depression +47504,Temporary solutions to numb this until I can get proper care? How do you get through the day like this I have a great job and a potential promotion happening very soon but everything else outside my career is so sad right now. The only reason I’m still hanging on is because I don’t want another failed attempt and to look like an assshole or lose my job. My relationship is basically over my grandfather is dying in hospice with bone cancer and I’m slowly feeling like I’m spiraling even worse than before. I have to hide it from everyone in my life because everyone has something else more important going on. I really need to get to a psych and a therapist but scheduling feels impossible where I am located. I feel like I need immediate help but I have no way to get that. Even if I could I wouldn’t be able to get myself there because I can’t afford a car and my credit sucks. Are there any temporary solutions to numb the pain until I can get myself help that will not continue to hurt everyone around me or cause for alarm? What do you do to get through the days?,Depression +41269,cause of depression 0 mark http t co ha ni dih,Depression +18015,"I am scared to be around them, they laugh at me and I do not feel comfortable around them I have made some progress with my family but my aunt just hates me my baby cousin threw a water bottle at my friends door and I put him in time out for like 30 seconds because we were having fun and I did not want him to cry, then I was 10 feet away from my friends and was talking to my cousin not to throw stuff at peoples door then my friends started laughing because one saw a bug and was deathly afraid of them and another one of my friends got hit with a basketball so they were just laughing and screaming then my cousin ran inside to him mom that my friends were laughing at him and they were making fun of him and put him in time out.I do not know if this is wrong but his happens so much to the point where I want to kill him. I have to be his father figure because his mom is to lazy to play outside with him so I have tothen I have to heat him up food make him breakfast play with him and become a dad at 12 while I am playing my game he asks me to go outside I say no because I am playing with friends on the game he tells his mom and she forces me to go outside and I hear her say I do not know why he treats my son like that he is like this for no reason what did he do to you when I tell you I wanted to throw a cinder lockInto her window.In truth I am scared of her because she has strings over my mom and if something happens she lies to my mom she always has something to say to me just to break me down FUCK HER I am especially afraid of my mom she beats the fuck out of me if I do not something she scares me so much fuck her to igI tried to kill myselfOnly stopping of the phone call of my best friends let us name herLori she is the kindest person in the world to me she means so much and loves me as a best friend she had called as I had that knife to my throat she was also the ONLY one to notice how unhappy I was just from a phone call she left a note it my notebook being supportive I have a journal where I write deep stuff in and it has helped but things are getting worse god this was short in you want something longer for the journal I made another post I need help Fear. Death. And a fucking journal",Depression +39694,i feel like i just need to have a long long chat with one person about how i feel constantly i m not in crisis or anything i just want to know what s going on in my head so i can stop my self destructiveness because i don t even know what i do to mentally kill my self thank you,Depression +39854,this is pointless this is all pointless living loving everything there only one thing one person i want more than death and i can t have him nobody want me around so whats the point of wasting my time suffering for no reason when all i do is waste air and people time a i force them to hang out with me nobody actually seek to hang out with me it s always me being lonely and wanting to hang out and them not having any excuse to say no they are indifferent if i leave or not indifferent if i die or not maybe i d get a pity aww like if a friend family member died you don t know them you just say aww out of sympathy sometimes i want sympathy i want someone to pretend for just a moment that they want me and they want to hug me and truly mean it people think i m always just saying depressing thing to fish for sympathy and hell what if i am maybe i need it maybe i need someone to actually care even for just a second about how shitty my life is my mind constantly go in circle awful stupid terrible circle of hatred i hate myself i hate the people around me i hate life i cut the people around me out of my life for their sake and mine and all it doe it make me hate myself and them even more im so desperate i can hardly stop myself from crawling back to them even though it only hurt me more i don t know how to solve this suicide is so painful and i m a pussy so there aren t many option i don t think i can stand to make it more year to be to buy a gun there ha to be something i can do in the mean time anyone with idea lmk lt,Depression +25062,we are able to fly space ships and control satellites out into earths orbit.Figure out how to do quantum physics and create computers.Understand the atomic level and the large planetary bodies.But we do not know how to fix mental illness?People still suicide to this day So You Are Telling Me,Depression +16019,"Have never been a talker. It is who I am since I was a kid.Surprisingly, this offends my mom, who is fully aware of my condition, to such extent. She would try non-stop to chit chat. My depression is making me tried enough to find something to eat yet the attempt continues. I usually reply with short sentence or just a word. When my depression is at its peak, I just do not want to response. That made her so angry she burst out loudly that if I do not want to talk to her then she will not too. This is not the first occurrence. I can barely feel anything. I cannot find even a single objective to keep me attached here.Only thing I feel now is a bit of guilt, probably will went away after I sleep.I have been doing what I could for the past years.I never ask her for money. I went to college even it is my root because of fear and depression just because she asked me to.I never do bad stuff or creating problems. I always help her when she asked although with occasional satire remark, I delivered.I contain all my shitty feeling to myself, not wanting to burden her with it.And yet, it is not enough. Apparently in her book, a good kid is a kid who would actively talk and share their thoughts which is nothing like me.I should not have been here. I just do not want to talk or to be more precise. not to speak.",Depression +40769,aaroncikaya fcuk off playing the depression card he can t handle the english premier league and the micky mouse french league will suit his lazy style of play fcuk off to psg you premier leage flop you re a lazy sack of shite,Depression +17367,"I feel like my new antidepressants have been keeping my mood pretty stable, but out of no where this evening I feel like I have just been washed out to sea with weights on my feet. My body just feels heavy. I do not have the energy to even entertain the idea of what to eat, or do with my evening. What do you do when depression hits you like a ton of bricks?",Depression +20896,"I have been cleaning out my camera roll today and I keep seeing photos Id taken of myself. Fun selfies, little videos with my favorite songs, outfits that made me feel good. I cannot remember the last time I did that. I cannot remember the last time I looked at myself and wanted to keep looking. I have always struggled with how I view my body (gender dysphoria plus body dysmorphia), but it makes me really sad that things started to get better then got so bad again. I was not doing well at all mentally but at least I had that. I do not know how to express all of how this is making me feel but its not good. I wish I could go back in time and hug my past self. The 7 y/o old stepping on his mothers scale. The 10 y/o shaving his arms because someone said they were too hairy. The 12 y/o getting migraines every day because someone made fun of his glasses.The 14 y/o wearing two bras and getting up hours before school to cake on makeup, praying that being a pretty enough girl would fix things. The 16 y/o hacking up blood and still feeling fat at 80 lbs. Every version of myself deserved better. They deserved so much love from themselves and the people in their lives. I realized I have stopped taking photos of myself again.",Depression +18621,"I have been kind of forced to resort to either takeout or protein bars lately, since I have basically no energy to prepare food. Even a simple boiled egg feels like I am climbing a mountain (although, strangely, cutting food into pieces without any appliances is fine). I do not care if the food is packaged, or if it is a raw veggie or something, I just have no energy left to heat anything. Also, **I do not have a microwave**. Give me all your ideas! Easy, no-prep, but healthy foods that you eat when depressed?",Depression +37821,i m crippled by my past mistake i had the perfect life and threw it all away now i m with someone who treat me like shit and i m staying because i feel like that s what i deserve every day is a struggle and i m ready to be done with this life i ve ruined the world would be better off,Depression +24469,it is completely out of the blue now...usually I am reminded of something or I will see something random and I will just start to tear up in front of people for absolutely no reason. I am usually very tethered but lately I am just so tired...I am so tired of living and I would never have the guts to kill myself...but every morning I wake up with such incredible sadness & I wish I would never been born in the first place. It just seems like nothing ever goes my way and it is getting worse. It feels like I have never been really happy and usually I will drown it out with friends but now even that does not work. I cannot afford therapy and I do not know what to do. I just wish I could not feel anything again. I have began to publically cry,Depression +15873,"I cannot stand the direction the world has taken. it is as if the world put on a tech collar, knelt down, and started wagging their tails and begging for more. I do not know how many times in casual conversation where the assumption that I own a ""smartphone"" is paramount and implicit. The urge for me to ""give in"" and use ""apps"" like Zoom or networks like ""Instagram"" This world we live in now, it is all about that fucking tablet. it is all about ""plugging in"". it is painfully obvious at this point that these platforms are dead set on controlling a narrative. Dissenting opinions are flagged as ""misinformation"" by the establishment media and those who hold those opinions are ostracized not unlike with the Red Scare of the Cold War. More and more every day it seems like this draconian future is becoming the permanent present. I miss the days when people could freely share differences in opinion with civility. I miss a time when we had privacy. I miss creative freedom in art. Films, television, and videogames taught us that a Cyberpunk Dystopia would be intriguing. Nanobots, virtual reality sims with real world consequences of great gravity, and a glimmer of hope for the heroes. We got none of this. instead we got iPhones and fucking snapchat. I mean, everyone is got that, right? Cyberpunk Dystopia",Depression +22713,"My father does not beat me THAT MUCH, only when I do stuff wrong, just mentioning before people get the idea that he beats me every second. He is still mean to me though. Also, he usually beats me when nobody is watching. Only today, when my mom went outside with my sister, he beat me when something simply fell to the ground, about a few inches away from the floor, when I did not even do it. And Yes, another thing to mention",Depression +7167,"I am just so done, honestly. The last two years have been shit, I was forced out of a job, suffered horrendously from bullying from my past two employers, have been in therapy from it, worked up the courage to get another job, my role was cut by 30 hours a week and have been looking for work ever since, I am so broke. I have been doing a course that has been extended by a year due to COVID, lockdown after lockdown. I live at home, I am not in a relationship, I feel like a fucking loser. I have lost friendships, made a friend who tried to make it more than friendship which was not what I wanted. I cannot go on vacation, I just need a break.Today was the last straw, I applied for two jobs weeks ago. I got one of them, then they never replied for 6 weeks. I finally got a reply, they told me they never recieved anything and blamed the mess on me (I know the emails went through because they replied to me on that email address).I also applied for another job, one I actually wanted. A job I was so excited for, a feeling I have not felt in a long time. I was told I would be a great canidate, I would work well with them. Today I got a rejection email before I was even interviewed. I am so upset and angry. do not comment 'It will get better' or 'it will work out in the end'. I am over that, that does not help me now. I am so angry and have no idea what I am going to do in life. &#x200B;TLDR I have no idea what I am doing in life, I am sad, angry and feel completely hopeless and depressed Why does everything always have to suck?",Depression +39665,third post on this subreddit from this account most day are anxiety inducing i spend the majority of my life in my bed no job struggling to complete my coursework or even just to take a shower a of the last year these day that i have struggled with since i wa ten have become many and far in between i wake up dreading the fear that the day will bring the argument the pain and the inevitability of my own suicide i know one day the suffering will be too much to bear and without doubt i will hurt many people i have felt for month that day is getting closer than ever a few day when the argument subside and i feel a little more hopeful about where my life is going i am filled with a passion and love for everything about life that i hate i want to strive to get a job get my license succeed in college again reach out to people and take care of myself in way that i can t bear to do usually i still have hope i crave to escape the hole that i am in but it feel inescapable whenever i try to turn my life into something more positive i am met with another detrimental setback that put me at square one all over again it make me fear being happy because i know those period will only last a few day at most i feel so desperate to not feel miserable i really don t want to die but i am sick of this cycle i see other people so content in loving relationship with family and i crave it so badly i feel helpless to my own circumstance and i am unsure of how to get better,Depression +25605,I had cbt yesterday. My brother was angry because I did not want to talk about what feelings I discussed. He said he would not leave me alone until I answered. I do not want to talk about what feelings I discussed. He was saying how next time I should record the meeting and that they are pushing my mom out because she cannot sit in for the whole hour. My therapist said that I talk more in person when my moms not there and so he told me I should say less. I hate my life,Depression +48248,"How to explain the cause of my depression to a therapist? I have been depressed for 3-4 years because I am unattractive to women. It's not their fault that they don't find me attractive, the problem is me because I am not cool enough for them. + +I get very anxious when talking to girls because I always feel that something bad is gonna happen. That repells them and even if they found me attractive they end up telling me that they are not interested. + + +How do I explain this to a therapist and how is he/she gonna help me? I feel like this problem is impossible to fix because you can't make a person (me) attractive.",Depression +26321,"I want to commit suicide already... I have been stuck in a toxic/abusive family for 6 years, and a family member just committed a criminal act on me. I have decided not to pursue my case, but things have been going so bad. I cannot leave my house because my bank passcode and passport are with my family. I want to die, I really cannot take this anymore. Life at a crisis shelter or foster family looks bleak to me, cos I seldom hear of happy stories after children are transferred to foster or crisis places. Please, let me die... I want to kill myself",Depression +18182,"I have no idea who I am anymore. My life feels like a facade, I used to think money would be the source of my happiness. After reaching my financial goals I feel more lost than ever. Any tips to find my true self again? I feel so lost",Depression +26945,It ruins my day when i wake up lol Each morning i wake up is dissapointment,Depression +14722,"I guess I am here to ask if this is depression, in anyones personal opinion from experience.I am 30 and recently (for the past couple years at this point) fallen on some hard times financially and physically. I had a salivary stone under my tongue a couple years ago causing my salivary glands to swell huge when I would eat. I guess its rare. I had it removed and since then I have some sort of nerve damage on the ""front"" of my neck. like my throat, but the outside and down to collar bone.So I had to leave my manual labor job and get a sit down security job. I started learning to program cuz my job is pointless and easy so I have free time.I moved back into my parents house. Nothing interests me anymore. Not even trying to turn anything around. I have friends but they are all succesful and own homes and are married having babies. So even when we hangout, although I am very happy for them, I inevitably drive back home, lonely, feeling like I have totally been left in the dust. Which is no ones fault, it just seems to be reality. gaming, music, movies, drawing- all things i used to love doing on my alone time- literally bore me to the point it makes me sad, so I do not even try anymore cuz it just makes me miss the old me. I love my family, but they are all very narcisistic(spelling). And my dad and mom both have health problems of their own. I really do not have anything to complain about compared to them, and they gave me a good childhood other than some abusive episodes. But they had very shitty childhoods.I just sit here and think about the past, the good days. Just , me being happy to be me. Fuck I am literally starting to tear up as I type this.I guess I am venting or asking if this is depression. I know I would need to be diagnosed by a doc. unfortunately I am broke and do not have insurance. sometimes I write this off as karma. I was the ""cool"" kid in highschool and I was a gigantic piece of shit to girls and other kids. Maybe its just deep self loathing finally surfacing.thanks you all Where have I gone?",Depression +40814,jee 0 90 9 sathiyama mudiyala bro day by day romba toxic ah poguthu namakum mentally depression aaguthu,Depression +48115,All my friends are in jail and I'm thinking of crashing out Im in a certain blood set and most of my friends are in jail. I myself was thinking of going to jail too. I don't value myself. I joined the set because I was protecting someone close to me from another gang because they threatened to hurt them. I'm going to accept the consequences if I carry out the mission on my own but it does suck. My best friends are Gone possibly forever. My day ones. I still have a couple around but it's not the same you know. No female can replace a bond between my friend group. They were my niggas lol but yeah I'm only 18 and kinda willing to throw my life away already. My heart feels so cold everyday. From drug addiction to doing shit in the streets. From being abandoned at a young age to being homeless with my family. From people always looking down on me and the darkness I surrounded myself with. I despise humans besides my best friends and my family. I hate people. I'm ready to go I really don't care if I live or die. It's crazy because even my therapist told me at a young age I'd be a threat to society anyways. I'd be afraid to admit she was right. Materialistic things don't matter to me. I feel as if almost my only purpose is living for my gang. I don't feel happy ever. I just hate everyone and everything. I'm ready to go. I miss my friends. goodbye.,Depression +40126,therapy meditation working out changed my diet spirituality religion medication what else is there,Depression +26549,"Another day begins that is the same as the other, and again the feeling came that I was wasting the time that I still had. I try to get out of the cage, but people try to keep me in it. People tell me it is better to stay in the cage, but I do not want to stay! I want to escape. But I wonder if if I escape, something will change? I am still a loser and still unloved I cannot stand these repetitive days. It feels like I am stuck in time and everyone is passing me by. People live live and I just watch them. Have i given up yet? I think the world is so much easier with money. I hate this world, all the people who are not rich have to waste their whole life on work? There is not much time left and there is no way out. I do not understand why this is so damn normal for everyone? How could I be happy when I work all day? This society is so disgusting that everyone only cares about money, lots of people pay for sex and often people would leave you when someone else has more money than you, the whole world just cares about money. Then I wonder, is there true love in this disgusting world? Are there people out there who are different? Is there more than money in society's mind? I do not understand all the people who have sex without loving the person, why did they do that, why does it matter if the person is great? Maybe I just envy the rich people, would I mind if I was rich? Probably not. Maybe the world is still disgusting, maybe I am. Would this world ever change? Probably not! I am a shy not attractive not intelligent person with too many problems to count. Maybe someone likes me, but only as long as I can keep my facade. Because behind this facade hides a bore who isolates himself from society because he cannot get along with it. I have lost my friends, I have lost my popularity, and I have lost my heart. Now I am just an empty body slowly rising out of the darkness. And I do not know how to get my heart back, if it is even possible. I try to be a lucky guy but I am dead inside. I try to tell others so I can get help, but I am not taken seriously. What should i do when life is terrible.I feel so lonely, nobody likes or even loves, everyone tells me how bad I am. I want to break out but the cage is holding me tight, I cannot escape no matter how hard I try. I have wishes but they fade knowing they will never come true. Everyone works like a robot, nobody has questioned whether life is meaningless. Why should we work until we get old and slowly die. To die unsuccessfully to unknown and unpopular. I do not understand this world, nobody understands this pain that I feel inside of me. Why am I born if I only suffer?I think the world is great, there is a lot of fun, happiness and love, But I am trapped in a cage that is only loneliness and despair. I feel so numb, so numb ... Do you know how I feel? Have you ever felt this way? I hope not ... I do not expect that you can help me, I just want to share my feelings because it helps me a little. Every day goes by so quickly and feels so wasted. I want to be loved, but I know myself that there is nothing about me that is lovable. Thanks for reading this, i just do not want to exist because nobody needs me anyway. My life",Depression +13353,"My big bro is a role model to me, he is got a house, a girlfriend, a job and he is well paid, he is got a strong personality and each member of our family admires him. he is also very attached to my two sisters (one older one younger) he talks to them a lot. But for me, its another story, I am the weirdest of the sisters (weird in a bad way) and I just feel like he hates me, our conversations are so blank, our message text can be resumed as ""do not forget your meds"" ""yes"" ""I will come over at xxpm"" ""okay!"" Everytime he talks about our sisters its always about the happy things that happened to them, when its about me, its often about the weird shit I did as a kid. Once he said ""you were a piece of shit when you were a kid"". We are currently at our grandma's house for holidays, he came over to say hi and when he left, he said goodbye to my little sister and ignored me, turned his back and went to his car.I just do not know what to do. Is it depression that make me think that way? Maybe its my actions as a child that reflect today, I am really confused and completely lost. I think my big brother hates me",Depression +40027,i almost committed suicide i feel pathetic for not having been able to and i don t know why i stopped i suffer from bpd so this isn t the first time i ve either attempted or gotten close to doing it my friend don t know and i would feel manipulative or a burden if i were to tell them i guess i just wanted a place to talk about it every time i find myself in this type of situation it feel like i get closer and closer to the point of no return,Depression +20624,I woke up today not wanting to be alive anymore. Its been a couple of months since I have felt this way. Ugh. Today is a really bad day.,Depression +10793,Instead they act as if I never existed. Like I am mentally ill as it is already damn now I got to feel worthless and invisible too Maybe some acknowledgment from them would be nice,Depression +18164,"I wake up early because I suck at sleeping, I try to do things I use to enjoy or things that are good for my development like playing PC games or doing some of my course work. I cannot last longer than 15 minutes before getting frustrated and/or bored, I cannot even watch TV shows or youtube videos because it feels like there is nothing worth watching. I spend more time endlessly browsing reddit or pretending to look for something interesting on my phone while I sit in bed and it is the least frustrating past time I have. I wake up, sit mindlessly before work, go to work, and come home and sit mindlessly again. I hate that my most enjoyable way to spend time is doing what feels like absolutely nothing. I wish I had the patience to read a book, or listen to a podcast, but everything feels so fucking slow and boring. My brain wants to tell me that its the world changing, and that is why I cannot find things I enjoy but I doubt that is the case Wasting time is my favorite past-time",Depression +38968,i m having a severe anxiety episode right now i can t focus i feel like i m going crazy and like i m going to pas out please help,Depression +7587,I am so tired of never feeling good enough. tired,Depression +10882,"Hi everyone - I have been depressed for a long time and my dental hygiene is always the first to go. My brushing frequency was reduced to maybe 1x every week or two. Every time I brush my teeth my gums bleed. I looked closely the other day and saw some plaque buildup and a cavity in a wisdom tooth that grew in sideways. Gross, I know! Its really embarrassing and I am starting to get really anxious about my teeth all falling out so I am making an effort to brush my teeth more often and I got a Groupon to see a dentist for an exam, cleaning, and X-rays. I am seeing them on Thursday. I am wondering how I should communicate to the dentist that I know my teeth are in poor shape due to depression? Is that something they are familiar with? I know I am not obligated to explain myself but I would feel better if I could. And if anyone has suggestions for restoring your teeth after neglect that would also be much appreciated! Trying to save teeth from poor dental hygiene due to long depressive episodes",Depression +38210,i have anxiety and possibly depression too but i just wanted to ask if grief can be considered a depression i m not really capable of feeling grief i have only felt it in dream or about animal or something,Depression +26313,"I am writing this while crying the hardest I have ever cried my life. So hard that my eyes are all red and my head feels like is going to blow.I cannot keep going, i just cannot. I have been fighting with depression my whole life and it has finally won. A year ago i left my life behind trying to deal with my suicidal thoughs and depression and now I am suffering cuz of it. I am trying to fix my grades but I keep failing again and again. I keep failing at everything I try to doMy sister called a hour ago and we talked for more than an hour. She kept telling me how embarrassed our family is with me, how i am just a useless idiot, and I am the black ship. Just because I am failing school. A month ago she even told me to go and kill myself. Why why do they feel like that. I do not smoke, I do not do drugs I never NEVER brought any problems to my family. I respected them and all that. Yet just because I am failing at school they will not care about me anymore.And I keep trying guys I am really trying. And I just cannot do this anymore. I just cannot. So I will stop. I want to end it all. And If I do not change my mind I hope I do not fail at this too. Ending it all",Depression +15694,"I feel like I have tried every medication over the years. I was on Zoloft for a literal decade and have only just weaned off it and went onto Wellbutrin. I am also on Lamictal to stabilize my moods. However the Wellbutrin, while it gives me energy is making me extremely short tempered and aggravated. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist in a couple days about adjusting my meds and might ask about a low dose of Zoloft along with the Wellbutrin, but I just really do not want to be on three different mood meds at the same time. Has anyone been in this situation- suggestions? Medication questions",Depression +37717,i suck at literally everything i always have sucked at everything ive tried so many different thing ive put in effort for it to be wasted im just wan na be something everyday im surrounded by people who are all skilled and talented and then there me i cant do anything and i mean anything ive never been good at anything ive always dreamt of it but everytime i try it just becomes a giant waste of time i just wish i could be good at something then id probably start to love a treat myself better it just suck when you re the only person you know who isnt interesting im about to just give up on caring for myself completely at this point,Depression +16359,"Below was the program my Registered Dietician and I worked on together. Best copay I ever spent.I am on day #31 today. I was told by her that if I can go 6 months on this schedule without a cheat meal/day, then my brain is rewired to like/dislike new food/drinks. I have not been hungry/thirsty since day #3 with this schedule:9:01am: 16.9 ounces of water. 310 calories. Perfect Bar Blueberry Cashew (Fridge). Probiotic (Fridge).10:01am: 12.18 ounces of water. 420 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 3 grams of added Fiber.11:01am: 12.18 ounces of water. 420 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 3 grams of added Fiber.12:01pm: 12.18 ounces of water. 420 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 3 grams of added Fiber.1:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water. 200 calories. Two Soylent Squared bars (one peanut butter and one chocolate brownie)2:01pm: 12.18 ounces of water. 440 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 6 grams of added Fiber.3:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.4:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.5:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water. Brush teeth. Take Medications.6:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.7:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.8:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.9:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.10:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.\*I have alarms for everything on my phone.*\*$5,951.35 per year on Soylent 2.0, Soylent Squared, Perfect Bar* Blueberry Cashew*, Fiber, Probiotic Blend and Aquafina water bottles which is $16.31/day. If I start to lose weight instead of maintain, I will have to eat more. But so far it is been maintaining.*\*I wanted to share for those of us who are too depressed to cook, shop, get out of bed, etc. \*I should note I was looking to maintain weight at 12% body fat (male) with optimal nutrition taking 30 minutes total or less per day for everything (shopping, from vehicle to house, cooking, washing, drying, eating, drinking, trash, etc.). I read online that the average American spends 105.8 minutes per day on these tasks. I am at about 30 minutes a day.This has worked for me so far. Thought I would share. (and yes, I realize Aquafina water vs tap water could save a lot of money, but I wanted to easily measure ounces of water and thankfully I can afford $16.31 per day for everything nutrition combined. Plus I am too depressed for anything for washing/drying dishes.).I currently have no dishes to wash/dry everyday which is nice. Everything that is not (Fridge) can be thrown in my backpack. So it is very convenient for storage as well. I look forward to healthier blood panel results in 152 days time. Depression, but did visit Registered Dietician",Depression +18520,"I need to say some stuff. I do not need anyone to fix me. I just need people to hear me so that I know I am real. I am 42 next month and I struggle with depression and occasional hypo-mania. It has wreaked havoc on my life. I had some trauma as a very young teen that i was not even able to process until just a year or two ago. I started using drugs when i was a teen. I got clean at 22 and worked really really hard to rebuild my life. I graduated from Arizona State with a 4.0 perfect gpa in marketing in 2005. I took a dream job in Minnesota. But I knew nobody there. It was cold and gray. The depression came back and for the first time i started to feel the pain of lonliness. I went through a period of rapid cycling moods: Id be so depressed I could not move for days at a time. Then id feel great and think I am going to do big things. I thought i wanted to start a candy company and raise a million dollars etc. Eventually it all became too much and i quit my once in a million job and moved home to AZ. I ended up losing everything and starting over at zero. I rebuilt a career in behavioral health, lost everything, built a successful business selling modems. I made one million dollars in sales in 2013. Declared bankruptcy in 2014. The depressuin comes and wipes everything out. I rebuild. It happens again. A year ago, i had a good corporate job. I owned a house that was $38,000 from paid off. Somehow through a series of starry eyed confidence of hypo mania and excrutiating lows of depression i ended up selling my house, losing the money, losing my job. Also, i should note that i became addicted to narcotics in 2012 after an accident. It happens with the depression. Drugs. Because i literslly cannot stand the pain and its numbness or death. But i fought back. I got clean in July 2014 on my own. It took me several years but i pulled myself together, got back to a job, etc. Once again, i was at zero, less than that actually. I built up again. But when i quit drugs i also left my circle of acquaintances. And i never quite got a footing in my new life. It took me 3 years just to be recovered enough to function in society. And last February was the time. I started getting out. I went on a couole dates. I had decided to *look* for my future. Then COVID came. Lost my job and was not able to get unemployment because i quit my job due to severe depression. I lost my house. I tried to invest and screwed that up. Now I am staying at my moms. I have nothing and nobkdy. My work history is spotty. My marketing degree is from before social media. I have no remarkable skills despite being intelligent. I make terrible decisions. I do not know what to do. I do not have a single foothold, nothing to leverage. I literally know nobody but my mother. The lonliness is so bad i have sat in my room scresming crying because it hurts so bad. Physically. Its worse than any pbysical agony I have ever felt. Its like my soul is being suffocated. I do not beling to any groups. I am not christian and do not feel comfortable in chruches. I do not know anybody. I have no job, no job skills, no money, no savings, no plan, no confidence, no hope. I feel like the tree in the forest that falls and nobody hears it. Did it make a noise? Did it even fall? Did it even exist? If i dissapeared tomorrow, other than my mother the world would not notice. I am outside of society. I am nothing. I often start to question if i even really exist because no part of the world sees me. I do not want to die. I am not going to kill myself. But i wake up every day amd think dammit. Dammit! I have to do this again. I have been crying most the day for a week or two. I am terrified. If something happened to my mom id be on the streets. This is not supposed to be my life. I hate it. Every mome t i wosh i would dissapear because i cannot do it. I do not want to rebuild again. I do not want to do it because its so painful and hard and every time it just goes away anyways. I have never been able to reach stability i my life. I have hurt people around me so much. I feel like i only am a burden and a dissapointment. I have never had a healthy relationship or one lasting longer thhan a couple months. Since i was burt as a teen and the house i grew up in i never had love modeled for me. I do not know what it means, how to give it, recognize it, or receive it. I have spent 30 years just wishing so much for a shoulder rub. Sometimes i go months without a hug or touching a person. I am dying from lonliness. And from lack of hope. My teeth are bad. I had planned to use money from selling my hosue for dental inplants but the money is gone. I am not sure i could even get a job with them like they are. I certainly cannot date. And i cannot fix them. I do not even have money to have the ones rotting in my gums pulled. I see no path. I am without hope. And so lonely it fucking feels like cruel torture. I do not want to kill myself. I do not want to die. But i feel like I am slready dead and it hurts like watching a child die. All of my hopes and dreams for my future. I cannot. I cannot I do not know what to do or where to start. I have nothing and nobody and i just want to have never happened. A tree falls...",Depression +16877,"My opinion is that everyone overestimates what they know about their condition, how their thought patterns work, what triggers their anxiety / depression. This does not get addessed when we introspect, especially when we introspect, in fact the more we feel we know about it, the more the feedback loops get hidden from us. What are some factors / conditions that were addressed / you were informed about during therapy that you were completely unaware about before counselling. What have been some findings / factors of causation / etiological factors that you were introduced / explained about in therapy / counselling and otherwise were totally unaware about or had no idea about?",Depression +7253,"I am a 15 year old kid and I have been struggling with what i believe is depression. I have so many trust issues with relationships and friendships, i hate the way my body looks even though I am working out to try and fix it but sometimes it just feels futile. My friends hate me, the reason i think this is because my one friend group they all make fun of me, call me unfunny, annoying, and one dude in there always call me an emo depressed kid who should just kill himself. I really only have my mom, and a couple of friends but i feel so embarrassed to tell them how i feel. My dad is a horrible father and contributes to how lonely and out of place i feel. And a couple weeks ago i went to my friends birthday party and me, him, and his friends smoked weed and it was the first time for me and for once in my life i actually felt something. I have been craving that high ever since but idk who i should ask to buy edibles off of, or if i should even do it. i have not tried self harm nor do i want to because i know once i go down that road ill cross the line and i do not know if ill be able to come back from that. I need advice on what to do.",Depression +47857,"How can I get out of the loop - depression is taking my life away I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for a long time now, and eating disorders in the past that have not fully healed. + +The trigger this time was that I saw a photo my broyfriend took of me and my legs appeared enormous to me. That single thought that arised from a photo that a loved one took on me, lead to not eating in three days, self-injuries and an endless loop of feeling like shit. I feel so narcissistic and chidlish, why would my looks be at all THIS important? Still now I cannot get over it. Just seeing my legs in a photo that was taken with love. My boyfriend almost threw me out of home cos I was behaving like a fucking idiotic child. + +Yet it is so hard to get out of the loop, I literally have nothing that makes me feel happy and I consider myself to be under the normal for intelligence and I don't have any special skills so I don't see a point in feeling better with myself. I feel so miserable, so useless, I only bring dark stuff to my lovely boyfriend. It's like I know how to get out of the loop (my therapist gave me many tips) but still when I am in the middle I cannot get out, my mind is racing with destructive shit that I believe and I act according to all these thoughts. + +The eating disorder has already been on for 13 years and I am already 30. I never imagined at this point of my life I would still be dealing my so many instrusive thoughts and still thinkking this is such a big of an issue. Its like really, who is going to notice I put on weight? and if they do, why would it be so importnat? there are far many things more importnat than looks, but I seem to not be able to get over it anyhow. I feel like I should really die if am not skinny. + +This post might be destructured as I am a little anxious right now + +**TLDR**: I am 30 and still behaving like a baby and thinking my body image issues are the center of the world. I am ruining my relationship because when I get in a depressive mood, I cannot get out of it during days and I become aggressive and a total bitch with everyone. I don't want to live like this, I want to enjoy my loved ones",Depression +14111,They just make me feel like i do not do enough. Because I am a high schooler and I am having finals next year. Seeing them study from day to night. Make me feel like I am a piece of shit. cannot even study for hours. I wish my suicide attempts worked. I will never need to see all these people agaon. Looking how hardworking people are makes me want to die.,Depression +39142,hi all m this past week wa my spring break so i decided to take a trip to visit my best friend in la who moved out here permanently when she left for la i wa so sad but so happy for her to get out of the environment of our hometown neither her or i belong there she took the step though and i feel a if i never can because i m to empathetic for my own good i could barely cope if i didn t hear from my mom once and day and it s exhausting i m like this on another note i m having new anxiety a i leave tomorrow for my flight i m so nervous she hate me now and will never want to speak to me ever again i didn t realize how heartbroken i d be leaving her again it s like i m reliving her leave our hometown what do i do,Depression +26651,You ever want to suicide? Death just said I am too alive i do not want to work at a job from a 9 to 5. Hang me with my suit and tie. I just want to be gone. I have not even begun to understand what a tragedy i have belonged to.So marry your sanity too much insanity like a shot life is collateral it takes itself and an animal. I am done do not want to take shit. Life is my story but works makes it feel so makeshift.(Sing) I am your sanity and you are ripping me in millions. The dark has took control and its coming for the killing. How could i ever get you to this feeling? You ever want to sleep forever i do not want to suicide I am too alive. Wondering why I am here and who am i? A pawn from dusk till dawn an expendable. Air dependable my soul and repenting I am unsendable. Bury me in ashes my grave. To life I have been a slave. The law says to behave and my soul is so depraved. I have been folded i have caved my stomach is packed like a rave. I am slowly choking.I have been done with hoping the empty of the empty. Dissociated from my senses the messages you send me. Depression Poem,Depression +48015,"How do I help my bsf that’s going thru things bc of family problems She kinda goes thru a hard time and how her parents don’t let her do things and they don’t trust her enough and she just wants to leave them atp and I can’t even help her properly bc I can never understand how much she actually goes through +I just wanna make her feel better, even tho her parents make her feel like that",Depression +8191,"(M 20) So I am writing this cuse iv been wanting to get it off my chest iv tried killing my self last week by overdosing and sent to the hospital then to a mental health facility i got out in 4 days and when I was in there I was feeling a lot better and thought I can do this but when I got out I realized that I am back were I started I am on antidepressants but you still have suicide thoughts and still depressed its so weird that I am alive and I have to work and live idk how to explain that but I was not ready to keep going with life I do not really have a purpose or some that cares about me I just want to be loved and wanted .Iv been bullied in high school cuse I was special ed and really quite it felt like if I said something worng or stupid they just laugh I just struggled with my math and English because I was in special ed class I struggle alot in the really world like with work. I had ""friends"" but I felt they just use me for my money so they were just being kind. after high school so called friends started using drugs and i have stayed off that path trying to be good. had a hard time talking to females very shy never went on a date to high school I wanted to date after tried dating apps went to partys and never made a connection. if I chose to live i want to live knowing I not alone like a girlfriend or some who cares and I can cry on there shoulder and they can tell me its all right I know how it feels. parents are not any help when in high school they verbal abused me so that and the bulling at school fuck me up there better now but I cannot talk to them and tell them you made my life even harder. I look at people I know and there happy getting married and have a good time and I ask my self why cannot I be like what is wrong with me that iv tried to put my self put there but nothing works Thank you if your reading this sorry for spelling errors if your depressed or suicide you not alone it hurts so much I know hugs for evey one love My suicide attempt and my story",Depression +11406,"Basically I am stuck with a deformity I got as an infant which has ruined my face and life. It is called plagiocephaly and it was preventable but nothing was done. I always looked up to my dad because he was a very good looking man. I grew up always knowing something was wrong with my face because kids would always study it and I would get mixed reactions from girls when I was young. I have striking traits like deepset big eyes and a really good smile but it is all lopsided and looks weird from different angles. I have even been picked on before and told my face looked 'pinched' from one side. I had surgery to fix my mouth area and I am just all around confusing looking now since the only symmetric thing about me is my mouth. Yes, even my skull is visibly asymmetric and lopsided. I can look in the mirror sometimes and catch glimpses of how I should have looked and imagine my face normally and it depresses me. Being ugly has ruined my life",Depression +27126,Easier said than done but Hold as long as you can I do not know what to say but you are not alone trust me even if its someone across the world,Depression +20950,"I do not think I can go on anymore. it is too repetitive, I am too worn out.Does it really matter in the long run if I kms now or a couple of years down the road? I do not really enjoy living. does not matter what I do, it is just a distraction from the fact that I genuinely do not want to keep living. And it is becoming less and less distracting. Too tired",Depression +13885,"I have had a really tough month, but it started so well it seemed. I had met a girl who I had the chance to go on a date with. This is a first for me at age 22, so naturally it was very impactful. Lately, her life has gotten busier, and I began to really feel her absence. At this same time, I had to go through putting down my family dog I have had for 12 years. This put a mental strain on me for sure, but thinking of her kept me going. Weeks later and she is still very silent. She is my co-worker, so I still try to talk to her, but I get an impression she has lost interest or wants to avoid me. I wonder if my impressions are large assumptions, but with the grief and anxiety I have felt lately, I take them as reasonable possibilities. All this has cascaded into some of the worst depressive feelings I have had in a long time. I struggled with it through my teens, but after being prescribed zoloft I saw improvement over time. What makes this hard is how uncertain I feel about myself. I think I put so much thought into her as my first, I was not prepared for becoming attached and the emotional impact of not feeling liked. Now I go to work actually scared to see her, since even if she will not decide to reject me or give closure, I dread the negative image I give of myself in my current depressed state. I am having a hard time seeing the other side of this, and while I think I am safe from thoughts of self harm, I feel I have lost a lot of joy and motivation to keep being myself. Depression created from attachment has trapped me",Depression +17430,"the worst part is i cannot even tell if I am faking it or not. it does not feel fake idk. i broke up with my ex girlfriend several days ago because her mental health was starting to affect mine and we did not have a healthy relationship. its just when you love someone so much that its hard to see them like that. but throughout our relationship i found my self in really depressive states and when she was contemplating suicide i did too and that started to give me suicidal thoughts and they have not gone away. i do not think i would ever do it, i want to live. but what this relationship has done to me is mentally and physically drained me. i know I am not the only one who is drained, but right now how I am feeling is that the future is useless. i know how its going to end. I am going to meet someone new, fall in love, get a dream job, get some cats maybe, but is it really worth it? because i cannot even explain what the next few days are going to be like my last relationship has made me highly depressed and a bit suicidal",Depression +15715,"The title says it. I am a young adult, definitely not a kid anymore, and I never had a childhood in a sense that I internalised my parents' helicoptering behaviour that avoided any type of slightly risky situations. I was the best of my class, a really nerdy kid (then the best of my group at college), never had friends in the neighborhood, never actually had just any friends. Never went out to play with anyone, never had any sleepover parties or anything. Being a kid sucked big time, my peers were always so loud and rude and cruel, while I was apparently cold and arrogant and always acted like a know-it-all and an ""adult"". I just wish I returned back and did everything differently. I hate myself for being how I am and for not having any experiences or memories apart from sitting in front of the PC days long. Mom worked, dad left, so no-one could really tell anything was wrong apparently.I was always so focused on imaginary success that I was obsessively trying to be the best in the class (not to gain any actual knowledge, important distinction). Now being an adult, I am expected to get a job by my parents, while all I can do is sit on a couch all day remembering every small bad thing that has happened over the course of my life. I have lost all enthusiasm for working hard and being successful just at the moment I am actually expected to become like that. I wish it all ended, but I know I am too cowardly to take my life, I had an attempt before, basically barely scratched my arms, now my mom blames me for ""doing that to her"" and she complained about having arythmia when she accidentally learned that I did it again recently. So I cannot even let it out like that. I wake up and go to bed thinking about it all, and I do not see any solutions. I do not even know if I am just making everything up bc of not wanting to work and to grow up, I was not horribly abused, neglected or whatever, idk. Maybe I am just trying to find a reason to blame my parents for being a failure. Do with that confession as you will :/ I desperately want to become a child again, but this time, to actually act like one",Depression +37975,i m fucked up badly with my 9f ex girlfriend and now i m so guilty of how i handled thing i m punishing myself mentally and physically i ve lost nearly 0lbs from not eating and going the gym so now i m around lb at i don t leave the house unless i have to and i just exist in my room everytime i smile or laugh i stop instantly because i don t feel like i deserve to feel happiness anymore i think i ve had a mental breakdown because i m so guilty all the time and i can t seem to forgive myself because it doesn t even feel real that i d decide to make the choice i made i don t even know who i am anymore if i can be so deeply confused at choice i ve made in hindsight imagine knowing deep in your heart you ve met the love of your life and you ve thrown it all away because you can t handle a simple issue,Depression +38997,i ve lost over at least job because of my mental illness maybe i should just focus on counseling and my medication for now and stop pushing myself to take job that i m clearly not ready for i m 9 year old and i can t even keep a job i feel like a complete waste of time and energy please someone tell me that it s gon na be ok and that i m doing the right thing should i just quit or should i keep fighting for the job i dunno,Depression +19735,"so i am on vacation with the family and then there is my cousin. a nice and polite guy, i really like him but i always feel like i am a loser next to him. he is taller, has a netter body and is more socially active. hes 2 months younger than me and already has a beard which i have not. he always get compliments from the family about his height and body, while i am sitting there and just feed bad. constant bad feeling",Depression +17336,"Just wanted to post that. My cat died this morning. He was struggling for 2 years, became extremely thin, vet said could be cancer. Nevertheless, he was an extremely happy cat that was loved by his family and friends. We found him today in the morning paralyzed, no heartbeat, just lying on the ground. He was always an understanding and caring friend. He knew what I struggled with, and he was always ready to listen. I loved him. I knew that if he dies before me, I will be extremely lonely. I cannot believe that I was not able to pet him and wish him goodnight this evening...I feel so broken without him. He was part of my soul. Without him it is like part of me is gone.I miss you. I love you. I will never forget you. My cat died today",Depression +7046,I have just been sitting on my couch and I am just feeling lost about what to do about my dog because he was ran over. Like when I think about him i start crying to the point I cannot even breathe right and i miss him so much I do not want to do anything after he died ion rlly have much people to talk to about this and I talked to a friend and I feel better about it but I am still crying every single time I think about him or look at his equally sad sister. I have never been the type to be sad and gloomy but this broke my heart too much and I do not know how to handle it on my own. I am just confused as to how it happened why it happened and I do not even know how to feel about this. I am lost and confused,Depression +18890,"I got nothing to talk about, I never go out and do not have any friends. All I do is game out, stay home and listen music. I do not drink, I do not do drugs, I do not even smoke. I hate this feeling where I have nobody to talk to, I cannot even a real conversation with family. I feel worthless. I got nobody to talk to... and I always need someone to talk, but....",Depression +14572,I think I am done and just ready to give up. I keep trying just to be ignored so what is the point? .,Depression +23685,"I am not immobile, but I feel comatose. I see people speaking. Things unfolding. Life happening. I do not interact, I watch. My life, as I know it, is in hiatus. I feel nothing, even as I know I should not. I am alone in this room[,](/r/careyharahan) in this city, in this universe, stranded.Does my body function on its own mind? Am I a passenger, mouth taped shut and eyes taped open? Sunk into the depths below as this person lives on? I hear my name, I read my name, but it all feels foreign. I am supposed to talk, but there is no reason, no purpose. I read all these messages, I apologize months later, and I hear less. Life is quiet. Awake in a coma",Depression +13427,"I do not want to do anything last time it is already lasts for like 2 weeks, I do not know why, even if I am feel good it does not help, anyone knows what to to with it? I am started to feeling unmotivated and bored",Depression +26126,Hey everybody! I have been doing some deep thinking lately and I have been wondering if my depression is something I can manage without meds. This led me to think about where it comes from and if I can find the root can I manage it. I guess what I am saying is why are we depressed and are we just in a day in age where we need medicine to feel happy. Like it is kind of a sad thought to me that I am at a point where I need something to feel happiness. Maybe my viewpoint is wrong but I would like to hear thoughts. Where does depression come from?,Depression +20333,"I am finally coming to terms that whatever mental slump I am in is not going away anytime soon and that I need to deal with it. Over the past month or so, I just have not felt attached to anything. I do not think anybody suspects that anything is wrong with me. No one sees anything, but I really would prefer just not being alive.I do not really want to die either but at this point it does not bother me much. What do I do? I cannot force myself to do much of anything besides sleep and eat, but I know there is a load of work and responsibility that I have to get around to doing.I am not really expecting the answer for how to get over my mental rut, but more just how do I manage it? Any help would be appreciated How to manage being passively suicidal",Depression +48198,"Not for this life Im so sad all the time, i have barley and friends and no love interest. Im out of shape and sad. Im not meant for this generation or this age of humanity. I wanna go back but im stuck here. I feel like a glass bottle filled with stones and the cap is glued on shut. I wanna end it all but i cant im to big of a pussy to do so",Depression +39760,i am 0f no longer living with my family my little sister newly yr ha been struggling with depression and self harm for a while now but it recently ha gotten worse like a lot worse she is cutting a lot searching for way to kill herself googling about eating disorder her only friend always play the who s more depressed game she see a therapist but doesnt open up most recently she ha been messaging a 9m which my parent will be handling with the police what do i do i ve been depressed and sent to mental hospital for sh so i do understand a bit i just don t know how to help her i don t want to lose her and i don t want her to be in this much pain i love her more than anything more than myself,Depression +21277,"I have been using all my free time to try and figure out a career path for myself. Countless personality tests and career tests. They consistently say that I am not meant for a position of power or management. I am not upset at that outcome. I am upset that it is right. I am just too soft to be someone who can rise to power, but I do not know how to be successful without that. I will just always be mediocre. that is all I feel capable of, and even that seems like a far reach. Do you feel like you just are not meant to be successful?",Depression +8096,"I mean, I could have everything in the world but I still feel like I would be fking depressed. I just cannot sometimes, the world is a shitty and dark place and I have been through some traumatic shit. I feel suicidal lowkey passively every day just every day i wonder why am I still here? I do not want to fail at trying so I just keep my head up and just go through the motions of life but it is exhausting. I feel like I cannot do what normal people do, have a 8 to 5 job and social life and be happy.Happiness is difficult for me. What is the point of life?",Depression +20290,Or am i just even more fucked than i think i already am. Is it just me or is insomnia another Symptom of Depression?,Depression +9233,"Usually I can deal with my depression but now it is just hitting harder.Earlier this year I had to deal with a really traumatizing situation due COVID and I held my feelings to myself so I could be strong (I have a post about in case anyone's wondering). But now I am feeling that the weight of those feelings are coming for me, making me feel worse everyday.I am slowly stopping talking to people, sleepy more and more, eating less, I am slowly stopping enjoying the things I enjoy, slowly drawing in this feeling. I was feeling my best a few weeks ago, but after being rejected by my dream job, I cannot snap out of it.I see my friends and boyfriend getting their first jobs, doing and achieving amazing things, making their own money. I will graduate from college next year and I feel like a failure for not having a job too. I am really proud of them, truly, but I am also dead jealous of them. This feeling is rotting in me, making me feel like I do not have any perspective, feel like my dreams are more distant than they were before and I am too tired to run after them. Everytime I see my friends at their jobs, I feel sad. Sad because I feel like I am useless and everytime I try to talk about it, all I get is empty words.I do not know what to do, this feeling is taking away the best of me. I am this close of giving up",Depression +26314,I wish I could run around everywhere.I wish that my only worry was that the teacher left too much homework.I wish that my parents were still together.I wish that I could see my mom once more.I wish that I could be happy.Happy as I used to be. I just wish I could be a kid again,Depression +40625,ergonomix for real i ve been there in the pit i ve not wanted to exist because of it no one deserves to feel that way least of all you in any way lt my advice is to try and say this is my anxiety depression whatever it may be talking not me i m loved it may help lt,Depression +19906,"I had to take a sick leave from work because my depression affected my live too much and eventually I lost my work. My psychiatrist just wants to put me in a hospital, already contacted my parents, my therapist does not want to talk to me till I will go to the hospital. I feel so much pressure, I am scared of going here but I feel like everyone is pressuring me and if I do not go they will be angry and give up on me. It may help me but now I am just scared. I do not know how long would I have to be here, who will I meet. If it will even help or I will just run away from my problems. It may be selfish but I do not want to go. I may get worse, everyone may hate me for that. But I do not, sadly I can only say that here because I am scared to do so irl. I may end up in a hospital because of depression but I do not want to",Depression +19985,"I have been dealing with some really bad mental health for the last 2-3 years. I am about to be 22 and since high school its only gotten worse. I have horrible intrusive thoughts that make me feel sick and anxiety that completely isolates me. I genuinely feel like I do not belong here, I do not feel like I serve a purpose. I am seriously alone besides a few people in my life and my family just does not feel like one. I feel disgusting as a human being, and feel like no one can ever love me. So many things are on my plate rn and I do not know what to juggle or how to handle it. I really want to get on medication but I am scared of the side effects. Life feels doable one minute and the next I do not feel like being here. It hurts to write this as I do not feel like that is good to say but its just how I feel. I hate who I am and how I think and the thoughts that go through my head. I just want to be of free of them and feel fulfilled. I am an empty she will of what I should be and hate every second of what I am Rn. I need help I need to get on something, I just do not know what",Depression +41368,boningwigald so sieht meine momentane depression au,Depression +8620,"My parents hate each other.This girl I thought might have been the one left.I moved to another city just to see this girl, she still did not see me for 3 months and then we broke up.My parents moved here too. Now they are getting separated and my Mom is going back to her brother's place. My father is abusive and lost in his life, blames her for everything. What I do not get is, why am I cornered like this. Nothing is going rightI stay demotivated and do not perform as well as I can in college. When I try to, something like this happens.We have a dog, Hana. My mother is everything to Hana. Idk what she would do if my mother goes away. My father does not take care of Hana that often. My mother loves Hana and she is probably the only one Hana loves that much. Idk what Hana would do. My mother is nearing 50 idk how she is supposed to live alone. Fuck this. I honestly do not know what I would do if this actually happens. Is it possible that sometimes life is not supposed to be good ? You keep expecting it to be and one day you just die. You cannot even control the things that are making it worse. what is the point ? Nothing is going right in my life. I am stuck.",Depression +17545,"I am barely holding on and nobody has noticed, I have been sad everyday and my anxiety just grows other times I feel numb or calm. A lot has happened the past couple of days, its hard to process.. everyday I wake up and this feels like a literal nightmare. I also do not know if I can trust anymore, I just feel so sad and I want to end it all. there is no hope left, I do not see a future, I do not see all the great things others see, I just see more trouble, obstacles up ahead, I have been through so much already and I do not want to go through more. My city has been in shambles and under attack because of looting and violence, buildings have been burnt to the ground and now that things are a bit quiet they want to rebuild. The residents would patrol everyday and night, taking turns but they issued a statement that they have done their job and they will not be patrolling anymore which makes me anxious and afraid, I feel as if they are letting their guard down way too early :( those looters want to come destroy our homes and lives too. I do not have a good feeling about this, how can anyone feels safe after this? This life is already unbearable, I do not feel good being alive anymore there is nothing for me here.. I want to leave bed for I suffer more.. its scary, I cannot explain this to people. I feel sick to my stomach. Its only a matter of time before they get us. I have lost my appetite and my will to live.",Depression +40465,i am so low on energy that i don t even have word enough for this post i can not finish grad school and the job i m qualified to do i hate it i also can not talk frankly with anybody now given that i have suicidal tendency right now and that sound like emotional blackmail to everyone else if i express my wish also if i were to continue living it would be an embarrassment living a that middle aged woman who wanted to khs i m tired i don t want to fake anymore and i don t think i m even good at faking it either people can tell this is a sad loser,Depression +13685,"I keep looking back about 2 years ago and yearn to be that version of myself. I was happy, thriving, I got excited about things and now I am just floating. I do not feel right. I cannot pinpoint a specific thing that happened that made me this way. I think it was all very gradual. Maybe COVID made it worse? My parents came to visit me recently, I have not seen them in a year. Were very close and I was not excited. I had to fake it but all the while I was sitting there like, meh. I do not get rushes of adrenaline, I do not laugh until I cry, I do not feel butterflies, I really just do not feel much except that I am just here and existing. What is wrong with me? I have lost myself and I want to find me again",Depression +15603,Only thing keeping me going is false memories and false hope. I do not deserve this. Why is this happening to me? I never wanted or asked to exist. Who controls my life? i do not know the answers to these i ask myself everyday and i will never know. humiliation. Constantly depressed all the time,Depression +18043,"I do not know if I am depressed or addicted but it is the first time I feel trapped for real. I have 3 different loans I am suffocated to pay with my current job and I cannot find another one nor another source of money. I could save what I spend on ketamine, but I cannot overcome this +5 year addiction. I just cannot spend more than 48s hours sober, because I only have energy to sit in the computer and pretend I work. I work at home right now due to the pandemic, I am sort of hoping to push myself to go back to the office so at least I go out everyday, but as soon as I log off, I need to get into bed, that is, if I have not had the urge to nap before because I just cannot stand to stay awake. it is been months I cannot get past a couple minutes into a movie, but I can spend hours just laying down until I fall back asleep. I have a loving yet unsupporting boyfriend who will just deem this as ""well you are a drug addict"". I have to cancel seeing other people because I do not want them to see me having gotten fatter due to weekly binging, or just not in the mood to follow a conversation. The only thing I can do from time to time is to translate Russian songs because it is my deepest desire to travel there, yet I feel I have failed all life chances I had to save up money, study and actually go there. I was a good student but dropped to work and I spent most of my salary on ketamine and stupid things, besides helping with rent. Now I live on my own for the past 2 years and my entire salary goes on rent, taxes, ketamine and these stupid loans I do not know why I ever asked for. I tripped myself into all sort of stuff while having a lot of low middle class privileges, such as supporting parents, public school, a house I did not have to pay rent if I did not want to or could, and yet I have put myself into this situation I try to get out every week and yet the only thing that makes me not want to sleep 24hs is either binge on whatever there is around, and do ketamine, which only helps with anxiety. I am not high, I am not tripping, I am just putting it up my system like I would with a biscuit. I needed to type this down I guess because I feel pretty awful, and I know there is people who are really struggling and making a huge effort to overcome some serious external problems, but I myself and right now feel I cannot even tell this to my parents because I do not want them to get worried, they think I am doing fine since forever because I can fail at a bunch of things but I can manage to let them be somewhat happy with who I am when I see them. I might seek free counseling or go to NA meeting but Ikeep forgetting of doing these things. Venting on sort of depression I assume",Depression +18386,"I made a suicide scale to help me gauge how i was feeling and to express it to others. I am going to share it with my friends and family. Not sure if you guys would find it useful but here it is anyway. # Glossary- Life Functions - Ability to maintain normal life functions (work/school, relationships, hygiene, health, activities required for living)- Mental Suffering - Level of mental suffering (Depression, Sadness, Lack of energy, Pain, Stress)- Coping Mechanisms - Status of coping mechanisms (coping strategies, support networks, ect)- Desire for Death - How death is seen as an option for escape from mental suffering- Current Status - My current status# Codes## Code Green - Normal Functioning- Life Functions - Normal- Mental Suffering - Low to Nonexistent- Coping Mechanisms - Matches or exceeds the stresses of life- Desire for Death - None- Current Status - Normal Living## Code Yellow - Depressed State- Life Functions - Significantly Affected- Mental Suffering - Significant- Coping Mechanisms - Insufficient- Desire for Death - None- Current Status - Seeking help for pain and suffering (medication, support, coping mechanisms)## Code Orange - Suicidal Ideation- Life Functions - Extreme Breakdown- Mental Suffering - Extreme- Coping Mechanisms - Failing- Desire for Death - Viable option for escape- Current Status - Deciding between death and other coping mechanisms to escape pain and suffering## Code Red - Passively Suicidal- Life Functions - Almost Unable to maintain- Mental Suffering - Exceedingly Painful- Coping Mechanisms - Almost Complete Collapse- Desire for Death - Easiest / Best option of escape- Current Status - Passively suicidal, welcoming death by external sources, disregarding personal safety, has a death wish, vague suicide plan formed## Code Black - Actively Suicidal- Life Functions - Cannot be maintained- Mental Suffering - Intolerable, unable to continue existence- Coping Mechanisms - Complete Collapse- Desire for Death - ONLY option for escape- Current Status - Actively attempting or about to attempt suicide with plan in place (Date, Location and Means) I made a suicide scale",Depression +11720,"i have my own share of depressive episodes periodically, and somedays, like right now, I fight every, single, day to keep it at bay. my best friend is going through a terrible depressive episode, and honestly I have forgotten how to even be there someone. i just have lost so many parts of me, I do not know anymore. everyone, anyone reading this, please tell me, what really helps? how can I be there for them? it hurts to see them hurting, but I do not know what to do. what works for you, as people who hurt too? how do you help? I know it is different for everyone, but i just want to feel like I can be there for someone, or at least try. how to be there for someone?",Depression +39400,i m just completely un able to let go of the past i m sat here thinking about last year i remember being so much happier and stress free but last year i had the exact same issue except i wa thinking about the year prior to that maybe this is just a natural process of growing up i m and i guess life is just gon na get worse from here on in do you think the past just seems better in my head than it actually wa because i seem addicted to it atm,Depression +21588,"Ibe done a few mistakes like this before.. I do not know what to do.... Ever have a time, when you reply to a tweet but its not taken like you thought it would be?",Depression +19426,Because I need a hug I am going to guess a few of you do too. Sending virtual hugs to every single one of you because I care about you all. Because I need one,Depression +26450,"So...I am not the type of person that you would describe as depressed - I am going out, meeting with friends, smiling, laughing - looks like a normal life.Though, due to my social anxiety (on which I am working on with my therapist), 99% of the time I am not the person that engages any activities, I would probably sit at home instead. Sometimes I am getting some worse feelings - not strictly suicidal, but let us say staying near the cliff and asking myself ""what is going to happen if I jump"", or even sitting at home and wondering, if anybody is going to miss me if I die.It got worse last year, when I was on a one-month sick leave, with friends being overloaded at work/not in the country - we have had contact only through messenger (I do not like speaking to friends on the phone, I know they would talk to me then), and developed to the point where I realised that I could be in toxic friendship, just to not end up alone. It was last month, when I started therapy - although now I feel that I was not honest with myself during the sessions, leading to put focus on something totally different. Right now, I am at the point, where I am permanently sad, with depressive feelings for like 90% of the time - when I am talking to somebody it disappears, but it is just temporary thing - few minutes later, after we end up a convo, I am again feeling like a shit.I have tried different things - riding a bike (leading to some stronger anxiety attacks), playing a games, cooking (making me sometimes crying because of awful results), and dozen different things where I have just lost motivation.For sure I want to talk with therapist about that, but I am afraid that at the time of the session I will forget about it (as I mentioned, when I am talking to somebody this feelings are disappearing). Have anybody of you experienced that? How did you cope with that? Is it depression?",Depression +26108,"I do not do this kind of stuff. Feelings and all. And I feel like my problems are so miniscule compared to everybody else in here. But I need an outlet. I do not know what is wrong with me. Some days are okay. Others I just want to stay inside and not do anything. Or ill be riding my motorcycle having a great time, then randomly just start hoping a car swerves into my lane and then no more me. The main thing keeping me from acting on anything is that I do not want to put my family through that, and I know my wife would torn apart and it would ruin her. I am not happy with my life. And I know they say you cannot love another person unless you truly love yourself. But I do not love myself yet I will do anything and everything I can to ensure my wife has the best life. I do love her. that is not what this is about. I love her so much that sometimes I wish she would leave me and find someone better than me. I know she deserves better. I feel like she is wasting her time on me. Just today she was talking about what she would do if she won the lottery. And she has her whole future planned out and knows what she wants out of life. And I feel awful and makes me feel worse because I do not know if I can keep myself from forcing her to move on to someone better. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated, I am desperate people. Thank you for reading. My wife deserves better",Depression +38956,i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me maybe i m only good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage,Depression +41044,lounisdell stats feed i don t think a country s depression rate depends on world event people have their own personal problem too,Depression +11011,How can one kill oneself and not be accused of suicide? This depression is un-understandable and I do not want anyone to suffer after I am gone. Just something acceptable as untreatable cancer. Slow suicide,Depression +41325,mizzzidc honestly i think this wa too much for u to treat your mom this way co of sneaker imagine the depression she would feel too that her own daughter took her to social medium co of sneaker what if she had come on sm for the pain she went thru when she had your pregnancy,Depression +8563,"Doing nothing is best I can do I know I am going to be dead soon. I wanted to do something ""crazy"" or just ""fun"" before i do but I realised I do not care anymore. I do not want to do anything anymore. I do not care about having ""fun"". what is the point of doing something?",Depression +38651,i recently accepted a new position a an hris analyst which i ve wanted for a long time but one thing i feared about the job wa all the meeting we have to lead with cross functional team presentation that we have to make i came up with a good solution to a problem a few week ago and have been configuring everything in our hr system but my manager informed me that before i can move anything into our staff facing system i ll have to present my idea to a team of decision maker i am freaking out i have practiced what i m gon na say wrote down a script anticipated a many question they might ask a i could to make myself feel comfortable but i just know when it s my turn to present i m gon na be shaky nervous heart racing and uncomfortable and i am dreading it any advice on how to get over this this is going to be a part of my job going forward we have to do this for every big project or implementation and i don t know if i have the ability to handle it i didn t realize it wa going to involve this much face to face time with people i just wanted to do configuration i d love to hear some success story or any advice you may have for getting through thing like this i m hoping with time and experience this get easier but i am worried it won t tl dr i have severe public speaking edit anxiety and have to present something to a team of people at work i am terrified and am looking for some good insight into how i can ease my anxiety,Depression +48004,"Need advice I've done a lot of horrible things to people in my past. I'm a pathological liar that has constantly manipulated people to make sure either myself or the other person didn't get hurt (at least in the moment). I've used people and thrown them out like trash after I was done. I've dealt with ADHD, anxiety, and depression for over a decade now. + +My ex and I broke up almost 7 years ago. It was a horribly messy and terrible break up that caused me to be suicidal (we both made mistakes). There was never any closure and it always felt like it should have ended differently. It often felt like she felt the same as well...at least back then (think she might resent me now). + +Been having some real down moments lately and I've been thinking about my ex a lot. I'm still attached to those days and emotionally often feel stuck there. There's still a giant piece of me that belongs to her. + +I've been in a fairly healthy relationship for the past 5 years but I have quite a few things I lied about in the early parts of our relationship. I feel like it's so unfair to her. It's not fair that I'm with her and emotionally stuck with my past or that I've lied to her. It's not fair that the thing I desperately want to talk about is my ex so I avoid that trauma with her. + +Any advice or thoughts?",Depression +47752,"I don't want to exist I feel like shit. I feel like I have nothing left. I can do nothing. I have no options and I ahve no choice over my own life. I don't want to exist. Everything in life feels too stressful and like too much. I can't get a job I am out of school. I don't have the capability or option to to either. I have no skills and no motivation for anything I used to enjoy. Nobody understands more. Nobody knows the real me. I can't talk to anybody. My family don't understand. I have not friends. I see no reason to continue. I am a burden on my family. They'd be better off not having to deal with me. I basically don't exist so there is no reason for me to try to. +I want help but I cannot get any. I cannot reach out. I am unable of talking to people. I literally cannot speak to most people. My family won't belive me or take me seriously and I'm scared of them. I want to die but if I do then I will die as somebody else. I just want to be me. But I cannot. I have been trying for so long. I have tried to keep going but I am reaching a point where I feel like I'm going insane. I want to scream and destroy something. I want this feeling to just end but it won't. I don't want this life. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I were just normal. Or just had never existed. I should have never existed. We should never have been twins. I am only an inconvenience. I am disgusting. I don't deserve my life. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve to be loved.",Depression +18370,"My family seem to have completely ignored me after I let them know I have been suffering from chronic depression. The only person who is not family that I have trusted enough to tell is my ex-girlfriend. We broke up a couple of months ago and I find turning to her for help hard because I am honestly still in with love her. All I can do is lock myself up in my room all day and drink my sorrows away until the next night. I am lonely, I am sad and I am honestly just tired of living. Suicide's been on my mind for a few weeks now and knives or nooses are my only reprieve it seems. Fuck its embarrassing writing this Guess we really are in this alone together",Depression +24997,"I feel like evrytime I start to feel good a voice in my head that sounds like me is just like ""no bitch, you are fucking worthless and delusional, nobody loves you, give up, stop trying, why would anybody love you, you are hideous, you should just fucking kill yourself, you are nothing."" And I know its not me. I know its just my brain being a cunt. But I would be lying if I said I did not believe it sometimes. Or anytime when I am about to do something important my brain just fights against me and tell me ""just do not even bother, you are going to fail."" And it just goes on and on. And its always been like this. For as long as I can remember. And ill just go silent and become really obedient and just clean or just do nothing at all. I am a really up beat person but when I get like this I just feel like a bug that is on the bottom of a shoe. Why do I hate the very essence of my existence with such a burning raging fire? I hate when I eat. I do not want to sleep. I stay up all night. I take cat naps during the day. I do not want to be anything. But at the same time I really want to do so much with my life. I feel a bit all over the place. All I know is I have depression and adhd. If I could honestly go live out in the woods under a rock that would be flippen great. I just feel like a clown. Like my entire existence is just a cosmic joke. Or a mistake. My inner voice is a bitch F27",Depression +19424,"Hey you all, I am writing this from bed haha. I am currently recovering from insomnia and my sleep is just about ok now, but now I am just kind of depressed still. Some days Ill feel ok now which is great but on days like today I just have no energy or drive, then I get sad because I cannot do much. I am also still in bed for 10-11 hours a day which sucks too. I keep making progress slowly but I guess I am wondering if the energy thing is similar for anyone else. Thanks! Some days I am just so damn tired",Depression +16455,"We had a major storm here last week. My car was totaled. My house and yard sustained major damage.I am not handling it well. I am very overwhelmed by the whole situation.And then I have insomnia, sleep apnea, PTSD, anxiety, and chronic fatigue.I feel like now my house and car reflect how broken I am. Failing at Life",Depression +40473,i m so tired all the time in the physical mental and emotional sense all the time day go by doing nothing tired day of overexertion tired and sleep deprived the constant headache and facial pain doesn t help i feel like my tolerance to people is so low that i cry after i go outside my house or even more pathetically after when someone enters my room i don t know what s wrong with me nobody belief it you re so young how are you tired you need to toughen up the lab came back normal there s nothing wrong with you they don t know that every time i have to hold up this act the effect grows more and more devastating i don t blame them for it honestly i ve put up this act for such a long time that i don t think anybody really know who i am a a person i ve only allowed them to see the good side and whenever the bad side inevitably creep to the surface it inevitably end up being anticlimactically and severely misunderstood my mother try to string me along in vacation that end up draining me significantly and then she wonder why i sleep for hour every day a week after i ve given up the thing i like and i m passionate about because i feel too restless and tired to carry out anything towards a meaningful level jobless living with parent and on the cusp of a breakdown but nothing and no one that can help every night i hope i die in my sleep,Depression +47722,"I hate my life. As the title states, I hate my fucking life. There is nothing redeemable or meaningful about my existence. I clean toilets for just above minimum wage to get by. Everyday is a sisyphean nightmare, I scrub the literal shit just for there to be more shit. Endless shit, such is life. It’s funny because everyone tells me I can do so much more, but is that truly so? I hate everything about everything yet have no real motivation to change. I’m just so tired all the time. + +Little background to paint the pathetic picture, I’m in my late twenties and live with my parents. I’ve had no remaining friends for several years now (for the better), have had a suspended license for 4 years, and my only sibling hasn’t talked to me in years. My parents and girlfriend are the last remaining positive things in my life, yet personal guilt blocks my appreciation of them. I honestly don’t deserve them. + +Why they haven’t discarded me like everyone else is beyond me. I’m a pathetic, self-absorbed, alcoholic blister. The only time I don’t experience crippling anxiety and the hollowness of my self- inflicted sadness is when skirting the line of a blackout. I have embarrassed my girlfriend and parents countless times. Despite my best efforts, I’m not a likeable person, even when sober. I hate that I have to not drink two days a week, otherwise the familiar beast of physical dependence comes knocking on my decrepit door. + +I’m not sure why I’m even bothering to write all this. It’s not like I’m capable or even worthy of change. I got cleaned up and worked a 12 step program rigorously for over a year in the past. Tried to convince myself that I could even make healthy friends and live a normal life. I also went on Prozac, which made only a negligible difference except for the broken dick. That facade quickly crumbled once I realized that people like me are simply not meant to be happy. I lived in nothing more than a hopeful fantasy all that time. + +In the end there isn’t much else to say. Life just isn’t fair, and I haven’t the energy to even complain anymore. The 18 yearold who locked 13 yearold me in his garage and shot me with a BB gun is a rich corporate lawyer. The highschool team-mate who regularly beat my ass is an investment manager for Merryl Lynch. If there weren’t losers like me, then there wouldn’t be winners like them.",Depression +19057,"If I wanted to seek help, who do i look for? A psychologist o a psychiatrist? Whatever my insurance covers? If",Depression +47895,"Why can’t I appreciate what I have? Relatively young (early 30s) cis decent looking white guy with a well paying job, good physical health, educated, yada yada yada and every other week I think about ending things because I’m absolutely miserable",Depression +37771,hi update two i definitely go through a lot of mood swing throughout my day sometimes i feel pretty good but sometimes i feel very lonely and isolated it doesn t help that i m extremely insecure about my appearance right now and i don t even want to go out to social situation because i stress about how terrible i look i just want to look good i ve been trying very hard i ve been keeping to a strict skin care regimen i nearly cut carbs out of my diet in hope it ll help my acne and i eat like 000 calorie a day so i can be shredded it s a little rough honestly i m a male so that s not a lot of calorie to work with i guess at least it get me cooking because i can t afford to waste any calorie i ve gone from about 9 to about in like a month though i workout almost every day and i go very hard for over an hour non stop exercise i feel lonely a lot i want to talk to girl very badly but i don t have the confidence in my appearance to bother i know i m ugly so it s not like i ll be able to go anywhere with them im trying to change it though i just wish i had clear skin honestly that would erase of my problem anyways i m doing okay i guess not really satisfied with my life or all that happy but my thought have stayed away from certain subject for a few day now i guess i d call that an improvement peace out much love and good luck to everyone,Depression +41195,being a fan is willful depression at this point and there s no one to blame but myself,Depression +41159,man utd star paul pogba open up on depression battle paul pogba ha http t co qjhmdticll open pogba http t co djmrhqlit,Depression +47409,"I'm suicidal and it's not emotional or anything, it's just an option to me that I see myself taking So numb it just feels like any other daily task, like taking a shower or washing dishes or whatever. I've come close to it but just decided to watch youtube or something else that is more fun, get to it later. I say I'll get to most things later. + +I don't have a future, I don't want to explain it fully because I have a thousand times, I just don't. I don't got family like other people, I will be pulled out of school eventually, I'm gonna be in foster care starting within this year, I have a lot of trauma and life long medical problems. I feel like an animal that should be euthanized already. I am in constant suffer. My autism is a large factor. I do try to be happy, it is something I want. I also want to feel sad because it means I cared enough about something to become sad over it, right now I feel nothin. I wish hope would drive me, but there's no use in hoping in my situation. + +Trying though. Practicing good hygiene, my acne is clearing up, taking breaks from school when needed, good dose for my pills, puzzles, sports, etcetera. Might improve, so far nothing unfortunately. Rather die than waste all this time and money",Depression +13556,"Been dealing with depression for a few years and although I have gotten better when comparing myself now and me from a couple years ago, I still feel hopeless about myself.Had a long term relationship that ended two years ago and I still suffer about it daily. I feel like I will end alone.Got no clue about what path to take professionally and even though I am working, it is outside my field and I am absolutely exhausted with the second university course I am doing currently.I just feel like whatever I do and no matter how hard I try, it is never enough. Not enough to get over my ex, not enough to find someone nice and actually trust people again, not enough to find myself professionally and not enough to get myself better, away from the pit of dispair that I was back then.I know I am a bit better, but I am exhausted and frustrated. do not know how to feel at peace anymore and it does not feel like it will charge any time soon. I know a new relationship is not the answer for my problems, but damn, I miss not feeling alone, I miss taking care of someone and feeling cared for.I am just rambling at this point but those are the feelings I have every day, and no matter how hard I try to see things differently and to reinvent myself, it never seems like it is enough. Feeling hopeless and could use some advice",Depression +25338,"Background info: Ever since I was young I was obsessed with this sport and would spend all day playing, thinking about, watching it, etc. No matter what had happened it was my main purpose and my main source of happiness, it was/is more or less my identity, I have played and obsessed over improving since I was 8 years old (Now 19, so 11 years of blood, sweat and tears put in to get better and progress *this is the main theme of this post*).Back in 2018 I was diagnosed with depression and had counselling (It did not work), a big part of this was the feeling of unfulfilled potential in a certain sport (this was from myself, I was really happy with how I was progressing at 14/15 yrs old and would spend hours of my day thinking and working to improve even marginally, I was obsessed, because of this I saw a huge jump in my ability and I went from good to very good for my age, I then got complacent, forgetting that I was not an especially gifted athlete in the traditional sense, so I made up for it through drilling technique and working hard, so while I made loads of progress, I forgot that it was because of my hunger and not natural athleticism, due to complacency I got lazy over the winter (off season) and started getting unfit due to eating crap foods, not training anywhere near enough (as I had before), due to this, I came back worse despite getting bigger and stronger due to puberty, I regressed and suddenly felt a sense of worthlessness as I was not where I expected to be after a great previous season. I then fell into depression, stopped caring about anything and even started to care about the sport less and less, putting on loads of weight.I eventually got fit again and came back better than ever (both mentally and physically), I had then progressed even more and noticed a huge jump from the season before and I kept this hunger to improve through the off season (winter just gone), I worked even harder and kept myself in great shape, hoping to progress even more (I had the obsession back). Then I come back and get injured, and I am not sure I will ever be able to play again, and if I do, I will not be anywhere near as good. Just as my life gained purpose again I get this and now I feel isolated and alone as I notice no signs of improvement. I feel terrible and now I know I am slipping back into depression, with no outlet and focus I have nothing to look forward to and strive towards in my life, and the worst part is that I had spent my whole life working hard and enjoying this, putting in hours of work to get better and play at a higher standard, and now that whole 11 years will be for nothing as I am not even going to be able to play past my teen years, my whole identity has been stripped away and I am not sure what the hell I can do...TL;DR: I have just wasted 11 years of my life and now I have no passion or identity.P.S. Sorry for the long post, I needed to ramble and appreciate it is not the most coherent writing. My whole life is quickly unravelling (again, this time I am worried I cannot come back)",Depression +13041,"Empty,no motivation or whatsoever and I feel numb must of the time. Not sad,not happy maybe quite angry from time to time but that is it. Nothing to look forward the next day just emptiness and loneliness since I barely leave my house so how can I have any friends. I am a living being but I am just existing and not living at all. This emptiness is exhausting. I feel like the walking dead",Depression +47298,"2 week depression episode Hi Everyone, + +I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year, but had probably been dealing with it my whole life. + +I have a handful of medications that have helped me a lot, but occasionally I get these slumps of depression still. + +Before they always seemed to line up with PMS so I attributed them to that, but this one is on the opposite part of my cycle. I feel like I'm wasting my cycles best time! + +Anyway, I'm struggling to find a trigger. Was there a trigger? I'll obviously discuss this with my psychiatrist, but I don't know. + +I guess I just want to hear other's experiences with this type of episode. I went from high energy and cooking dinner to not being able to shower or work? I felt disconnected from my partner, like we were more in an arrangement to be married, not in love. That sounds awful, but my emotions just weren't there. I think I'm coming out of it now, I took a shower, got my eyebrows done, and had my legs waxed. Maybe I'll pay to get a Mani/Pedi. + +Thank you for reading my ramble. +Is this just life with depression?",Depression +12083,"I do not have any energy left, waking up from bed feel like a chore. I am an emotional mess nowadays, crying at times and other time, I just feel numb. I just lost my appetite. I always wanted to be a doctor, but I did not got a medical seat in the entrance exam, so I joined the engineering college which I never liked in the first place, but I did not wanted to waste another year in repeating the medical entrance, so I joined the engineering course. I never got along with my teachers, as I was a student who came to the college via intercollege transfer from another engineering college, they never paid attention to me or helped me in the subjects. At the final year seminar, they purposely cut short my internal marks in that seminar. I had enough of that, they had already caused enough hurdles to me in those 3 years I had been there. I decided to not pursue that course. My 4 years of my life has been wasted. I sat another 3 years doing nothing. I was already depressed about not being completing the engineering course. I spend the next 3 years mourning about it. I sometimes feel like to try again for medical entrance one last time, but I do not have any energy left as I see my school friends has achieved a degree as well as a job in all these years and I am at the bottom trying to reach somewhere in life. Also, a lot of friends had been married or engaged and here I am 26 and reached nowhere. I feel like a utter failure. Sometimes, I feel like if I get a medical seat, by the time I complete it, I would be a 32 year old and who would marry a 32 year old woman in a conservative country, unless a divorcee or a widower with kids. On, the other hand my mom, is pushing me to get married and looking for grooms in matrimonial website for me, as I am ancient according to her as I am 26. Even, when I told her a thousand times that I am not mentally prepared to get married nor I like to live with in-laws she never listen to me. It makes me more depressed than I am already is. I always pray that I just die in my sleep and never wake up the next day. The only reason, I am not committing a suicide is because I do not want to be born again in this earth if reincarnation exist as I had cut short my life by suicide, then I will be born again to complete the remaining time I would have been alive in past life in the reincarnated life or if a life after death exists and I will not be allowed to meet my loved ones on the other side because I took my own life. I did not believe in things like this, but I came across a youtube channel called matt fraser a psychic medium and whatever I had learned from watching it is this that life after death exist and I do not want to take chances to not meeting my loved ones on the other side that is the only reason I am not taking my life. I feel dead inside. I feel dead inside",Depression +19809,I drank this past weekend (just a few Trulys) and I can already tell that my Prozac is not working as well as it was. Does anyone know about long until it starts to be effective again? Drinking & Prozac,Depression +10310,I am a fraud but i like to think there is something wrong with me so maybe I am not but i know i am. i know i am. i make it all up in my head acting all sad when i can think rationally. I am toxic to people because they love me. and i guilt them when they are not there for me. years ago i cut myself many times to show people that I am sad. but i actually stay in the bathroom for hours to try and cut small cuts. i do not have the strength. I am just a fake. I am so done with myself but i know i cannot do it. coz i cannot. its all fake. i think I am suicidal but i cannot even kill myself. i cannot even hurt myself now. idk what to do I am too lazy to try but I am too weak to die. I am just standing still doing notthing. everythings empty. its all blank. idk its all confusing and messed up idk what to do. and i cannot even explain myself well. and i do not have anyone to talk to and idk i do not understand myself and idk if someone understands but I am just a fake finiding comfort and i do not deserve that because I am just faking everything i can think rationally so i should have no problem thinking and I am so horrible to people i do not dersever any comfort.you know in life stories where they tell you keep on trying and do hard work you are stronger even tho you have this disadvantages etc idk. like they try to encourage this person that have all the reasons in the world to be down. well that is not me. I am the one n those stories that are compared to trying hard guys that do nothing. the one who takes advantage of everything and try to act like a victim. I am the bad guy in stories that do not have resolve. the one people should bash on the internet and wish death on. that type of person. and now idk what to do. coz i do not have the strength to die.even tho i kno its better like that to just end it all I am fake.,Depression +19706,"I have been hearing and looking at the discussions in this subreddit and there was a phase when I needed someone to talk to me but did not know who to approach. So I made this little app to help myself when I am in difficult situations, I jot down my thoughts to help myself feel contempt. it is still in beta, if you have any suggestions do lmk. >[ for trying it out. An app if it helps",Depression +8316,"Hi my names Isaac and I am here to tell my story of depression, anxiety and stress. Currently I am 15 years old and these 3 sins somehow disrupted my body it all started through 1 strawberry edible in May 1st and my mom gave me Xanax for me to calm my self down from the edible and it worked because it knocked me out for the whole day. But the next day my left side of my chest was hurting bad and it scared me because it felt like a heart attack and I had a panic attack so I had to go to the hospital I got their they checked me out and my blood pressure was 180/120 but the doctors told me to calm down and gave me a pill and sent me on my way but the day after that my sides was hurting again and I was scared like I was going to have a heart attack again and then I went to the hospital again for the same reason the doctors did an EKG on my heart and they said everything was normal and my blood pressure was little high again I think it was 140 but then they sent me on my way again but If you guys did not know my parents are currently going thru a divorce too so yeah. But couple weeks later my left side of my chest still hurting but wait I start to get lightheaded more afton now and I had also got tested positive for COVID too now that is crazy shit. I got thru COVID and blah blah these symptoms still happening and there making me depressed because it scares me to think I have to live with these symptoms forever and I do not want to and it scares and makes me get depressed with life and i go to the doctors for this and she prescribed me serpentine and suggests I get counseling but I want to know your guys opinions plz lmk this stuff is eating me Alive Help me find my cure",Depression +37804,i don t know what to feel but i just am tired and over it and there s no end to running on a hamster wheel of constant sadness ugh,Depression +12142,"Hey everyone. My girlfriend and i began dating about a year and half ago after meeting on tinder a few months prior. We were both each others first ever relationship. I was a senior in college, she was a junior at the time. Everything started off so well, to the point where we both felt like the stars aligned for us. We clicked almost instantly. I would come see her every weekend about an hour away at her college and she would do the same for me. We both looked forward to the fact that even tho we were long distance, we always had a date when we could meet. When we were not jn college, she lived about 5 hours away. that is when things got tough, but we always seemed to overcome every obstacle that faced us. Everything seemed right when we were together, almost like a fairytale. We talked about our future, the thinks we wanted to accomplish in life and everything in between. We opened up to eachother in ways we never have for anyone else. She eventually talked to me about how she is struggled with depression ever since freshman year of college. Over the past 4 months or so, i began to really see it. She never seemed happy anymore, she was about to graduate from college, along with other things such as finding a job and just moving on to a new chapter in her life. The things she used to enjoy, she no longer cared about. She opened up to me about how she feels like i deserve better and she cannot hell the way she treats me. she is come to the conclusion that if we ever broke up, i would realize how toxic she was and that i would find someone better than her easily. I have always assured her that I have never felt that way and she is everything I have ever wanted. she is just incapable of seeing it that way. Its clear that she does not love herself so its hard for her to love me back the way she thinks i deserve. Truth is id do anything for her and i want to do what is best for her to. We have not seen eachother in 2 months since she graduated but she plans on coming over next week. untill then we just decided to take a break. am i being foolish to believe that depression has taken her over to the point where she feels the way she does? I am holding on to the idea that once she does find her self again, that she will find her love for me again. Depressed girlfriend advice",Depression +48125,"as a lil experiment, i decided to start answering ""no"" to ""are you ok?"" The results: not a damn thing changed. They asked, listened to the response, and left. that question means literally nothing lmao.",Depression +26658,"day in day out. the same thing. over and over. my life has no meaning no joy no nothing. i feel for a girl with a boyfriend and she talks to me less and less and i do not want to push it because id hate to be a home wrecker. I am attractive so sure i probably could pull it off but id hate to do that. I have got no reason to stay. everyone says ""think of your siblings and your mom."" so I am staying for someone else. that is it? I am staying to prevent sadness in someone else.? when my very existence hurts me.? I have always put other people before myself. and it seems even when it comes to my very life I am still doing that. death is a scary topic for me either way. i do not believe in any god so I am afraid i just cease to exist. which i suppose is indeed the point but it sounds horrifying. I am growing tired. i lost all my friend because they were homophobic and transphobic and snakes. i wish i had a relationship. it would not fix my problems but it would give me the love I am lacking. I am so tired. Its a pain when you realize you have got no reason left to stay.",Depression +7375,I am so sleep deprived since I am literally addicted to my phone. Its 5 am right now and I am really tired but my mind just tells me to stay awake since I kind of enjoy it and I do not want the day to come. Its become really bad I stay up till at least 4 everyday for no reason and I wake up way too late and cannot function normally. I know I can just put my phone away but still I need help,Depression +9738,Please help just listen to me i need to get things out of my head Can anyone chat i really need someone?,Depression +24717,"I am a 52 year old man, who is been suffering with clinical depression for going on 15 years now. It has sent a wrecking ball through every expect of my life. Its wrecked my Engineering career, my marriage, my finances, my relationship with all those who love me, my mental and physical health. I tried everything to beat it, but the brain fog and black dog days never subside. I have seen therapists, doctors, dieticians, psychologists etc. I have taken all sorts of medication, with all the side effects.......nothing has helped get back to the man I once was. I fucking hate depression and what it has done to my life.To all those who suffer daily from this shitshow of a disease, you have my upmost sympathy and respect for having the strength to carry on though this never ending nightmare. My depression....after 15 years in hell",Depression +20460,I just want to completely start over just stop talking to people including my family. I am just done with all the bullshit I want to just cut everyone out of my life,Depression +9792,"I understand that I am worthy of love and respect but sometimes I feel like those things are outside of my reach. I used to have friends but as I have gotten older it is harder to make and keep connections. Men always treat me like shit so clearly something is off with me. My heart is so broken that I have given up on trusting people to be there for me at all. I have some natural talents, things to be grateful for but I am starting to feel that the only thing to care about is money and pets. I cried all night because my social and emotional support are nonexistent & I am ready to give up on having these things.",Depression +9020,"Hello fellow redditors!First of all stay strong and keep fighting I have been taking antidepressants (escitaloprame) during my episode of major depression for about 4 months. Now that I am doing better I am going off the meds. By now I do not take any of those. While the antidepressants originally gave me sleeping issues I am starting to notice something that others probably would not consider a problem: I often wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep, not even being tired. I have never had so little sleep without further impact, the lowest amount I have had before when I was relaxed has been around 6 hours.I know that there is a little chance to have specific genes that allow low amount of sleep. However I wondered if my observations might be due to antidepressants changing the brain activity in the long run.Have any of you had similiar experience with sleeping quality after going off antidepressants?PS: I suspect that I have had dysthymia through my whole life with some depression episodes inbetween so maybe my sleep quality increased because I am finally fine - something that I wish for every single one of you! Sleep changes after taking antidepressants",Depression +40803,depression everywhere depression is killing the youth rn i hope that sh t don t come near u everything will be fine let s try again bro checkonyourlovesones,Depression +38124,it never actually get better it seems like it is but it s not it s just a lull until it come back again even stronger i m done i m obviously not worth keeping around and deserve to be buried and forgotten who tf am i to want anything fucking idiot,Depression +38754,i rlly hope someone understands this but i return to school next week and i just had a meeting with my dean and mother and we got onto the subject of grade and he told me and my mum my grade were shocking and that i slack off and when i heard this i literally wanted to cry sure i struggle with math alot and it not my strongest subject but all the other subject i work hard i pull all nighters to get work in on time i ask question in class i get people to read over my work and give me pointer and i have gotten ok grade in most of my subject i never ditch any class and i always listen but my dean wa painting it out to my mum like im some delinquent who is always skipping class and slack off and it really hurt me because i do feel like i really do try my hardest in school idk it really making me start to feel that everyone is out to get me,Depression +8710,"I wish I could start over again. I feel like I missed out. I feel like I have not developed. I am generally content, but only when there is absolutely no pressure on me. As soon as there is even a smidge of pressure and am alone I lose control over my emotions and stress out over everything.I guess I should write a bit about myself. I am 22, have asperger syndrome, live with my parents and attend university (forestry major). In primary school and highschool everyone called me smart. All my live I kind of strolled through it with no resistance. I was happy. I never had trouble with anything. But once I entered university that gradually changed. Suddenly things became hard, people had expectations of me. I have to know what is to come months in advance and prepare for it.I feel fake. I do not have the passion for foresty my other classmates had. I only chose this major because I kind of liked biology class in highschool. But I never had a passion for it. In highschool I could just stroll along and do fine, but that just does not work anymore. Everyone wants me to know what I want. I do not know what I want! Or its more like I do know what I want I just want an easy life. An easy job. I wish I joined a college instead or maybe some kind of trade school, maybe I could have learned carpentry or plumbing or how to fell trees. Id be happy just working under a boss, 9 to 5, just do as I am told. I could have had my own home by now if I did that. Id be able to come home after work and do something else. Play some games, watch TV, maybe get into a new hobby like reading or writing, maybe try dating. I cannot do any of that in college. I am constantly anxious and overwhelmed and I cannot pay attention and I do not know what to do and I fear that all jobs in this field will be equally stressful and exhausting.Despite the trouble I described I largely made it through all my classes. I actually only have 1 test that I need to resit. But I do not want to do it anymore. I wish they never put the idea in my head that I am smart. I do not feel smart. I feel like an idiot that cannot handle the real world. I am so exhausted from looking for internships. I am so tired from having to do a large project each semester along with having to learn for multiple huge tests.I cannot quit university now. That would kill my mother, she is so worried about it. I can feel it in everything she does. So that is what I want to do. I want to at least finish university, and then I will see what I do.I wish I could do my entire life over again knowing what I know now. Id do it all so differently. Id spend more time being active, going outside, moving, learning new things, learning how to deal with adversity, Id find something I am passionate for or at least something I could enjoy doing as a peaceful job.I hope this rant is not against the rules or anything. I read them and it seems fine. Writing down my emotions and regrets like this makes it easier for me to process my emotions. But I do not know how long I can go without another emotional breakdown from my mounting anxiety. Either Way thanks for reading. Not sure if depressed but... Please hear me out. My negative emotional outbursts have been getting more common.",Depression +47475,I want to die. I self harmed myself but instead of dying I ended up in the ER. I guess that’s a good thing but I just want to disappear. I have nothing good to stick around for.,Depression +19141,"I have not been sleeping for 8 hours a day for the few months. I sleep at 3 am in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. But in the evening, I do not feel sleepy or tired. I do not know if it is insomia or a sleep disorder. I cannot sleep early, because of it. My head hurts and I do not feel the need to eat sometimes. Have someone experience this here? Does depression relates to bad sleeping habits?",Depression +39091,hey all i m 0 and i started taking 0mg citalopram in summer last year i had no side effect except for a decreased appetite and worsened insomnia i already suffered with that though everything wa going well until the start of this year when my anxiety suddenly got out of control my doctor think i grew resistant to the 0mg or something my dose wa increased to 0mg the end of feb for the first week i felt fine but then i started to feel nauseous the second week then over last weekend i began to be physically sick i take citalopram in the morning a soon a i wake up because i used to take it at night and it wasn t good for my insomnia a well a this for the good of being completely transparent i am a social university student who doe enjoy drinking even though alcohol wa fine with 0mg could it be possible that it is not now i know this is an important piece of context hence why i m including it basically did anyone else suffer with nausea and vomiting after increasing their dose should i be concerned that it s been week since starting the new dose and my side effect haven t settled also how worried should i be mixing citalopram with this new dose when i wa fine when i drank on 0mg thanks for any advice,Depression +39340,i have got work related anxiety and having a tough time to understand if i should leave this job project and join another company or project why this decision is to be made i am kinda the wiz kid in the project who know everything and everyone is kind of dependent on me which put me in a spot where i can fail alot i am trying to decide what is the right thing to do i am in therapy a well i get triggered whenever i think about work and now it ha become something that happens whenever i think of some big decision i have developed fear of stuff which i never had like height or crossing the road i do cross the road but it take a lot of time i hope the advice i get from this sub reddit will be helpful and help me decide because mental is first,Depression +15256,"For the last 2 Months I have been really struggling. Everyone in my life thinks things are getting better and that I am starting to get a handle on my depression but really I have just been telling a series of lies so no one realises how low I have fallen.I do not know how to make it better. I keep telling myself if I can just get my home cleaned up, if I can just get myself to go to work, if I can just make one little step forward then everything will be okay. But that one little step is either never enough or to hard to make.I am now at a point where I have been off work for 2 weeks and tomorrow I am going to have to go back and I know that as soon as I walk through the door Ill be fired. I get it. And I have made what plans I can to get by but I hate myself so much for letting it get to this point. I always wonder why cannot I be appreciative of the opportunities I have. Maybe if I was more grateful I would not mess up so much.I really need some support and words of encouragement to carry me through what I know Is going to be a hard day tomorrow. I really hope there is someone out there to read this because I just cannot be alone anymore. I cannot handle it all alone anymore. About to be fired",Depression +16027,Everything is such a struggle cannot shake myself out this funk am in . Really starting to slip into a deep dark hole again and I do not even know if I want to stop it let alone have the energy to try .. everything sucks I have absolutely no support circle do not want to leave my bed someone help Loosing the will,Depression +13200,"Without negotiation we are expected to go to high school full weeks, go to college full weeks, go to work full weeks. After that, you retire, have a little bit of freedom and then you die. The thought of this makes me escape in a bubble where I am not open to new things, do not want to go outside unless necessary, can have high anxiety and I also escape excessively in unhealthy eating and hobbies.I often want to be a NEET without money problems. Life would be perfect. I do not feel like this always. But recently I have been feeling like this a lot. Why/how eventually can you go passionate to work, when you know you are being screwed with until this point from birth on? I also do not care about changing/having impact on the world or making a lot of strangers happy. A lot of people see that as a motivation and passion for the job. I just cannot see it that way. The people that I care about and have build a relationship with are the ones I want to do something for, not billions of people. The inventors of this system probably do not want people to ask questions. They do not ever consider it to change. They just want us to be obedient cogs in society. I wish for an automated society: No capitalism, infinite resources (maybe mined from other planet and then have a machine that can build anything out of the basic molecules) , everything is automated by machines and everybody can do what they want. If people want to work, they replace a robot. They do not get paid,because they do this for their enjoyment. I do not want there to be money at all. Maybe, more like an allowance that is just put on your bank account by an algorithm. Everybody gets the same allowance every month, it is enough to buy things todays rich people can buy, but not enough to let one person deplete an entire stock of something like luxury cars. Where you buy from, I want to be a algorithmic system that is backed by robots. So, if you buy a car, no person gets the money. The money is just removed from your balance, your points that you can spend that month. Robots then deliver the car to your house.Why keep living for survival if we could in the future live only for enjoyment? Not enough freedom in life",Depression +25695,"I started making YouTube videos last January. The videos sucked at the time I would click on and then click off my videos and the views would go up Id honestly think I was on to something but then I looked at my watch time duration why is it so low and why is the ratio of views to comments so uneven its crazy. Then it was then I realized I was farming my own views and posting it on my ig story to make it seem to people like I was winning this is the honest truth. After then I decided I do not want to put on act I want to actually succeed make nice content so that people would actually watch so I started making COD VIDEOS they were not anything special but they got some attention by some I mean sometimes 20 sometimes a 100 and sometimes people would actually watch over a minute which is bad but I wanted anything I was good with anything at the moment. But then everything went down hill Id skip school work sometimes to upload a video and it would do terrible as in 2 views 0 views and that broke my soul but! I still did not quit. Now mind you I reached a hundred subs four months after I started in all honesty a lot came from sub for sub. So when I reached a hundred subs I made sure not to do sub for sub ever again as I had wanted to build a fan base on the way to the top! So from the end of may to the end of 2020 I was stuck in the hundreds video after video flopping. At this point its December I got into a huge fight with my brother so he took away everything he bought. But I wanted to succeed on YouTube so badly I spent my last money on new equipment I would drop videos all the time despite having school yet they would still flop but I still kept going. My little brother would break my headset Id buy a new one because I did not want to give up, My dad would take away my console Id still hold out hope my videos would floop Id still hold out hope. Now this is March 2021 college semester ends in a month so its hard to upload(getting less than 20 but still going!) now my little brother breaks my tv so there is no way we could play. So I go awhile without uploading but I was gaining subs tremendously the videos of kakarot I had dropped a year prior that flopped when I originally put them out were going crazy reaching thousands of thousands of views I gained a bunch of subs from there and now I am very close to 200 I decided to buy a tv following the end of the semester and grinded out the rest to 200. And ever since I gotTo 200 its been so hard its been a month since I got a video over ten views my little brother keepS breaking my headset and my idiotic self who is chasing this fake vision keepsBuying new equipment in hope that would id someday be big have a huge fan base and entertain people and make their day better. I do not want pity I do not want you to sub I just to know if I should keep going or should I accept its not meant to be Should I accept it or keep going",Depression +38891,today i wa prescribed xanax and celexa for my depression and anxiety i have major anxiety about taking pill the side effect freak me out especially when it come to mental medication i ve took zoloft in the pas for a couple day and it freak me out with suicidal thought very angry and ticked off i m scared this might happen again i m so lost on what to do i really need the help but scared of the help,Depression +16643,Hey everyone this is my second Post.I am a 20 year old male. My ex girlfriend who i loved very much and would have spent all my life with her. Left me 3 months ago. And moved on just one month after our 7 month relationship. I tried replacing her with other women but i just cannot. I tried new hobbies new anything. I have 0 friends and this is not a topic i can Talk to anybody with really. The pain kills me that she is happy with someone else. I always wish i could turn back time and maybe make her stay. I feel like There is no way out. The pain kills me almost everyday. What worsens it is that we live in the same village. My very first girlfriend cheated on my too. So my trust issues are through the roof with anyone. I am miserable. I have not talked or texted her ever since the breakup. I just wish the pain would be gone and i could move on. it is not that i could not have anyone else. I consider myself pretty good with women. But i just cannot seem to let go. have not talked to her ever since the breakup. I am dying inside. And i think I am going crazy.Peace and Love I feel like There is no way escaping the pain,Depression +37876,so i m have been feeling down rather often the last few year but these last few month im feeling constantly down my life just feel stuck everyday when my alarm ring i just cant get out of bed even tho i usually sleep for hour or so i end up laying in bed for or hour thinking about how shitty my life is and how i dont make progress at all i also get suicidal thought alot even tho i dont have any intention to harm myself in any way i dont want to die but smh my brain doesnt get that so yesterday i decided to finally get help and call my doc for an appointment before making that call i sat there and stared at the number contemplating if i really wanted to do this i made a list and wrote down reason why i want to get help and reason why i dont everything just pointed to me making that call and after hour i finally pressed call so then i wa on the phone with a woman at my doctor office i told her with a kinda shaky voice that i would like an appointment she asked what it wa about and i told her that i felt rather bad lately had trouble sleeping and am feeling tired alot i didnt feel comfortable sharing that i feel depressed she said she doesnt have a free spot in the next few week and told me i should come in without an appointment on thursday or friday so now im here without an appointment contemplating if i should actually go there tomorrow it kinda suck that im in the situation before the phonecall again where i have to make that decision to get help im so nervous about getting help i dont know what i should even say i dont know how to talk about my feeling i dont even know if ill make it out of bed tonorrow before the doctor office close im so afraid about revealing this about me but i dont think i can pull myself out of this without help can someone maybe give me some kind word and share their experience with finally opening up so my anxiety about this come to an ease,Depression +13656,"Hello everyone, I have only recently been seeing this change but it was concerning. I sometimes will try and think about my future plans and goals then just start crying, its kind of got me worried. I have been struggling in thinking about people who I care about and who I love. Whenever I even consider that I could have a relationship with this girl I am close with I just start feeling dread and sadness. I can barely sleep anymore and have lost all interest in my hobbies. Its starting to get difficult just getting out of bed in the morning, I have not seen my friends in weeks. I am just sinking deeper and deeper, I am starting to think there is no hope for me.I am just so tired, so damn tired. Its just getting worse",Depression +19943,"I am constantly thinking ""I have so much to offer but nobody's giving me a chance"", but honestly that is true for all of us. My sympathy goes out to anyone struggling with loneliness right now. Why does healthy love have to be so difficult to find? Why does depression make it a hundred times more difficult? Why are there so many bottlenecks to meeting the right person? I know there is at least one person out there I would get along with super well, if not a hundred thousand people, so where are any of them? When one has to weed through a thousand bad matches to find one good one, does not it make justified sense why so many people entirely give up on love, especially those who struggle with depression?I am one of those people. I try to keep my chin up but my path ahead does not look bright. I have been struggling with suicidality and severe depression for two years, barely able to cope. I have had three jobs and all of them have soon after ended due to my mental health quickly deteriorating. I am embarrassingly about to start filing for disability for mental health reasons, and that only makes my chances of finding someone willing to be in a relationship with me even slimmer. Nearly everyone is looking for people who already have all their shit together, but what about those of us who do not? What about those of us who might never reach that point? do not we deserve love just as much as anyone else?All I want is someone to live life with. I am tired of living without living. I just want to live with somebody and spend my days loving them. I want someone who understands how depression can make someone like myself seem like a fully functioning member of society one day and someone who gave up on life the next. Someone who one day is extremely confident and invested in the music I write and the next day feels no motivation to continue with it. If I could control my depression, control my mood, and get my shit together- that would make my life a million times easier- but I (at least currently) cannot seem to do that, and as a result, I am all alone and struggling to meet anyone I would make a good pair with, and I bet I am not the only one. We all deserve love. Where is it?",Depression +22175,"I am 27 years old now, productive and cheerful person, well that is what they are all thinking but everytime I am alone (which is most of the time now), I always think of what is the point of waking up? My family depends on me, financially. Is this what I am supposed to be? Do I need to do shit just to prove my worth? I do not know how I will continue my life being this miserable. I do not want to ruin someone is life by sticking with them too much but I also do not know where else to go My life feels like a mess..",Depression +8852,"I just completely broke down screaming, crying, shouting negative banter. I really think this session could have gone well if I controlled myself and analyzed my thoughts. it is been so tough these past days and I just could not take it anymore. My therapist was left speechless and could not put a word in. it is ok to have a shoulder to cry on but it is depressing knowing there is only so much they can do but listen. I just want things to be better but so much is going wrong. I am so lost. I am so confused. I am starting to have homicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I am so angry. I have held in my anger and pain all my life and it is finally out. This is my last straw. I am on edge all the time. I just do not know what to do anymore. Therapy today was exhausting and landed me nowhere improvement wise",Depression +41468,midwest republican called themselves progressive then democrat were mostly conservative til fdr when thing changed cuz the previous yr harding coolidge hoover had been anything but progressive dems became more liberal in the depression republican more hidebound,Depression +17212,"a few weeks ago I have started being almost completely honest about my feelings reated to my depression w my family. They are worried now, but at least they know what is going on w me. I have been thinking about being more careful with the things i tell my loved ones about my mental health, but sometimes its easyer to say it as rough as it is. literally my conversations w my mom are like: mom: how r you?me: Bad. I do not want to live any more.mom: :,(Shit, I have been feeling this way for years at least i want to be honest with the people i love, I am sorry for making them sad but i need to express myself. I feel like shit, i want to die everytime i wake up. fuck depression. I have tried so many things to get better but non of them are being useful now,(therapy, meds, working out, sex, spending time w friends, etc.)i feel like I am going deeper and deeper to a very dark place in my mind, i feel like shit and i want to be dead, i know i will not kill myself bc i would hurt a lot of people. i do not know what to do with my life I am so fucking confused sometimes. Dark thoughts are slowly taking over my head, i feel like the devil is inside of me and its manipulating and seducing me to go deeper on my dark thoughts. I daily think about suicide, self harm, murder, rape and situations of my past that have made scars on my brain and skin that did not finish healing. I understand getting better is a slow process, i need to be happy like i used to be and that is it. I know i can get through this shit but its being so fucking hard... TW i want to die everytime i wake up",Depression +25260,"One of those depression symptoms that I have noticed most people do not really seem talk about. I genuinely hate the occasions when (albeit very rare, considering how isolated I am) strangers etc trying to make the dreaded small talk will ask me ""so what did you do today?"" I literally cannot remember, even if I could remember it would not matter anyway, and it seems like such a simple and innocuous question but it sends me on a spiral and it makes me hate myself more lol I cannot remember anything that I have done today",Depression +20335,"The past 2 months I have been overwhelming myself trying to figure out where I will live for my senior year of college. Who will help me move in? How long will the rent money I made working 7 days a week durring the summer last? Where will I buy furniture and food? How will I get around without a car? Who will I hang with when I get there? No one, because I have zero friends to see when I get there.""Wait are not you a senior? Why do not you have any friends to help you move in? Why will you have to uber just to get grocceries? Why did not you make lasting friendships durring your previous 3 years?""I did have a few friends before covid happened, but they have now all graduated.I do not know a single other person in my situation, ESPECIALLY at my college. I go to an SEC school which is a party school, and everyone knows everyone and has lots of friends. Not me. I AM that weird loner. And being in quarantine for a year has ruined my social skills, so I would not even know how to act around people my age without looking like a socially awkward weirdo. My life now is just go t work->go to the gym->browse reddit until bedtime. I have less than a month to figure out what to do. And I am scared. I just feel like an NPc who does not enjoy anything anymore.I have no idea how I am even supposed to enjoy my final year. I just do not look foreward to anything anymore. I do not know how I am supposed to look foreward to my final year of college after becoming depressed being online at home for a year, and not having a single friend to see when I return there.",Depression +15118,"I can hear my soul scream. Continuously trying to break free,Guilt is spreading to my heart like a wild fire Untitled",Depression +9784,"I used to be strong never needed anybody, always enough for myself. Then I met him he showed me what I have always been craving for he checked all my tick boxes. We moved in together while I was going thru a tough time at work. The very first night of us moving in. I found out he had been cheating all along, with multiple women. Its been 2.5 months since that night and I have begged and begged for him to mend his ways to let me help fix him to just not leave me even if it meant him seeing other people. crying day in day out. Cutting myself trying to end this suffering. Now we live in the same house not talking.. avoiding each other. While he goes out every weekend, moving on. And I battle with thoughts of suicide and this empty hell of a life. I do not know how else to get out of this. I do not know what to do",Depression +39134,so i am very fortunate that my husband ha financially provided for u while i have been going to school and working on my mental health i have one more year left and had to transfer for his job and determined that i would get something part time a well a finish my degree i applied to a school district job and got called back for an interview i m beyond excited and of course anxious i m trying not to pester those around me too much but my mind is reeling with all these thought a well a worry for me going back to work mainly if i ll be able to keep up to standard for a company and if i ll be able to communicate effectively in a professional environment a i have struggled with it in the past this could also be effected by the fact i m neurodivegent but i m not entirely sure the interview is wednesday i m going to journal to help get my jitter out and thought i reach out to other anxious individual who maybe had to deal with a similar transition also i haven t established a new therapist yet but that will be taken care of in the next few week so i need to talk about this somewhere tldr i m really moving forward in my life which is exciting but feel really anxious about it,Depression +26404,"I have spent the last two years at a real low. I had everything under control, my life was organized and I really put in the work to finish my trade school with the best grades I could manage. Then I did not find work, even though I was sure that I have something to contribute, employers did not like the look of a long-term-depression CV. But I kept at it, sent applications, tried to get the good habits going again, exercising every day and was really at a good upturn. I was so confident I would break out of that ~1year of intense depression. Then I had an accident that made me incapable of walking for a few weeks and definitely not exercise for longer. I was scared, but I was determined, I had support from my family. Then my father suddenly died. Just like that and it tore me apart. Since then it was really bad. I could not put anything together for some months, but I always knew I can do it. I have done it before and it was so good to feel happy and content. After a while I did some minimum wage work to try and get a schedule going that helps me get it together again. That work was horrible though and working there did not help me at all. But it did motivate me to try even harder to work in my trade and I actually managed to find a job that is perfect. Everything I wanted and people really appreciated me for the work I do. I struggled but in the past month I have already changed a lot and I am just picking up the pace. Today I was fired because the company is about to be broke. I really do not want to crash over this, but I am scared. Unemployment is bad for me. Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I will keep working on it and do my best not to drown in this. It is such a struggle",Depression +47617,"CBT for drug resistant depression. Hello guys I was wondering if just CBT alone can help with moderate to severe depression in case drugs are of minimal help. Ive never actually engaged in a proper CBT plan since i was feeling like absolute shit all the time and I didnt believe that therapy would help and i wanted a drug to give some energy and motivation to go on with therapy more easily. So since ive tried everything under the sun, combinations etc. and I dont have almost any positive effect (It is actually minimal to be fair) I decided to engage in therapy in order to treat my depression accompanied with Extreme anxiety as well. It is actually my last hope. What do you think?",Depression +23911,"I sleep for at least 14-16 hours a day. I feel like my body is shutting down on its own. I sleep this long, but I also wake up a lot of time. What makes me go back to sleep is my dreams. For example, I have a good dream after that I wake up. Wanting to continue that dream I sleep again, then I have a nice dream again, then I wake up the cycle just continues. If possible I just want to stay in my dreams forever. Is this weird? Anybody else that does this? I keep sleeping so I can keep dreaming",Depression +19091,"I cannot deal with it anymore everyday they go:you are so bad at the game, why are you playing this game, my pet goldfish is better than you, you are doo doo water, you are dog water, my sister can play better than you, stop playing i tell them its hurting my feeling but they do not stop.Everyday I get bullied Everyday someone tells me I am easy I start having a panic attack It just hurts my feelings so much it puts a hole in my heartI just want it to stop but they keep saying mean things to meI just want to.. kill myselfStop saying easy Its so mean it hurts my feelings Its not a nice thing to say Stop being so rude. What do I do :( My experience online",Depression +15365,"This started around 2019, probably because of exams or something maybe I do not know, I thought I will be handle it on my own but it just does not seem to stop. I feel like I am scared of everything, scared of failing when I try to do something, scared of tomorrow, scared of my future. It just does not feel like how I was before, two years back I was just a stupid 16 year old that did not care even if someone said something and just loved hanging out, but now even the smallest 'no' to my demands makes me want to cry like nothing else. It feels immature of me and I just cannot do anything about it, the more I think about it the more it hurts in the chest and I just want to forget it. I have run out of motivation to do anything at all now, I wanted to focus on getting a better college, focus better on my academics but these thoughts of 'Why am I even doing this?' just keeps on coming up my mind. The last week I had a dream of my sister being blind from one eye and begging on the streets and I was freaked out about it, I never talked to my mom or sis about this because since dad died everything had been depressing in this house and we were finally starting to get back into like again, we laugh at jokes, talk about stuff like a normal family while having food and I love that and I just do not want that to go away or make them worried. Just yesterday I thought of just forgetting all of this and so I just stepped out of the house, there was a road I had to cross and I do not exactly understand what happened, all I remember was there was some thought on my mind and I just stood there thinking about it, in the middle of the road. Fortunately, the driver was driving slow and just honked on me snapping me out of it. I used to love doing stuff, coding, writing, reading and even sometimes focus on my academics but now, it is like everything has lost it is taste, it is like I do not recognize myself anymore like as if it is not the 'me' anymore. I have been crying and crying all over again thinking this will be over, but it never stopped. I feel lost.",Depression +23286,What are the best coping mechanisms for dealing with depression. I feel alone. I get mad at my friends. Especially after I felt like I have been there for them and they are not there for me What are the best coping mechanisms for dealing with depression,Depression +6989,Help me for ideas simple healthy meals to make when you feel depressed Simple meals when feeling depressed,Depression +10380,"Am I expecting too much to just want my family to learn to recognise when I am just having a depressed day to help me out a little bit. Sometimes all I need are just a few words of encouragement to help me find the strength to pull myself together that day. Sometimes it is literally as simple as do not make it worse for me and I will be fine but I am just met with disappointed looks and annoyance because ""ugggg he is having one of those days again"".They keep asking me to help them help me and I will tell them exactly what I need but I never see any of it happen in practice. Sometimes it is as simple as just saying that everything is going to be okay to reassure me that is all but it never happens. Am I expecting too much?",Depression +47443,"My appearance is making me severely depressed I've already been in therapy for 3 years and its not helping. I hate the way I look, I hate my face, my body, and everything else about myself. My therapist and family constantly lie to me by telling me I'm pretty and look normal but I know that im objectively repulsive. I've been consistently rated very below average by people online. Even IRL I have never been in a relationship or on a date ever. I feel ashamed to exist in public spaces, nobody should be forced to look at me. No amount of makeup or exercise can fix or help me. There's no fixing bone structure unless I were to suddenly become very rich. I don't know what to do anymore, Im too scared to commit suicide but I don't want to continue living in this body while feeling guilty for existing. Anyone that says ""looks dont matter"" is already attractive or average looking. I don't know how to cope with all this.",Depression +13747,"I know this is a petty reason to be sad, but its dragging me down pretty badly. My mind hates me. I overeat. I cannot sleep well. Some pervasive anxiety is also sprinkled in there for good measure too. But in spite of all that I have actually somehow been making good progress in terms of losing weight and getting better at running, and now all that is probably going to go out the window since I have just got shin splints and it hurts like hell to run now. It took me so much fucking effort to get to this point, forcing myself to go in spite of being so incredibly sad and tired all the fucking time and just wanting to sleep all day. I ran more regularly than I was able to fucking do laundry and now I have to break that habit in order to recover. Sure I feel sad and disgusting now since I am not able to really run but mostly it was the one good habit I was actually able to form and keep for any length of time. And now I might have to start over.. sorry I am probably being overly dramatic about this but its just been constantly there for me and its like a supports just been ripped from me Why cannot my body just listen to me",Depression +37795,i can t stand the constant shitty feeling of depression in my chest head and stomach idk how to put it into word but pretty sure every depressed person know what i mean i can t shake the feeling and everything is starting to get under my skin and send me into such a downwards spiral of overthinking and overanalyzing everything so much to the point that i overanalyze feeling sad in the first place and minimize my own feeling i m not motivated to do anything except sit around like a blob and waste time and space my fiance is a blessing and doe so much to make me feel better but he can t be my savior and it s been so hard just to get through the work day and go through the motion i know it s temporary and will pas cause that s the illness but i feel so awful and helpless rn i forgot what i m supposed to do i hope typing this out will make me feel better thanks so much for reading and have a wonderful night,Depression +38821,i have trouble falling asleep i need something to regulate my sleep cycle back in the day i took zopiclone which wa good at putting me to sleep but early awakening were somewhat annoying i would like to hear the experience of people who have taken zopiclone and other z drug amp benzodiazepine how did they compare which do you like the most,Depression +8272,I have been talking to someone i had also met on here and i just told them i do not want to continue talking to them because it was beginning to affect me negatively. I feel like it was kind of selfish of me to do this because they have been going through a lot and i basically just left them. They seemed a little mad at me when i told them and now i do not know how to feel. When we would talk it felt like they were becoming dependent on me and it was just a lot of pressure but i truly did and still care about them. It just got too much. I do not know what to do. idk what i just did.,Depression +18053,I am so scared its always going to be this way. I am a teen. I am so scared. i just do not want to think or feel anymore. I am so sorry. i just needed to write this somewhere. i cannot sleep again. i just want it to stop,Depression +23403,Idk what I am hoping to achieve by writing this Everything in my life is going downhill and I cannot seem to do anything right m. I have no motivation or drive to do anything and it feels like all I do is work and come home and I am not satisfied with anything in my life currently. I feel like the things I only want in life is to genuinely feel wanted and cared for by everyone else not just their fucking errand boy. If only I knew what being dead was like I would probably pull this trigger without a second thought. Why am I even writing this here? it is not going to make a difference. I wish I was not so selfless I am lost with only one way out and I am holding it too my temple,Depression +20907,I feel so alone and lonely and it hurts. Its scary tbh. It stresses me out. I am not sure if this belongs here but I feel so alone,Depression +39977,i didn t think i d end up posting here but here it is i feel like i ve exhausted all option in life i ve tried to combat loneliness i have i ve gotten involved with club of interest i ve done martial art i ve initiated conversation i m so close to just ending it man i ve hit low many time before but this time is different because i fucking tried to make thing different i meet someone we connect and end up hanging out and then they fade away unless i initiate i ve had friend flake repeatedly after i ve invited them numerous time or people that don t invite me out after i had done so in the first place yadda yadda hell this all started at the beginning of this year when i realized how people viewed me at my martial art gym the coach thought i wa arrogant because i silently carried myself with newfound confidence in life so i fucking left point is i ve gotten no reciprocation even after they ve shown genuine interest i ve gotten with a girl a while ago that i still fucking think about knew her for le than a month before i made a move she wa interested and we made out multiple time i had friend and i got with this hot girl so it seemed thing were finally coming together i ask her out and she enthusiastically accepts the day before the date she rescinds and want to be friend instead haven t seen her since that wa damn month ago man story of my life i ve got no family no friend year old i feel nothing anymore been lifting for year and getting stronger and i feel nothing no interest in shit felt confident in myself until recently since i guess isolation took it s toll a i said i ve been through this before but i m sick and tired of it now that i know that i ve tried i can be at peace with ending my life,Depression +40268,i got drugged and had to be resuscitated a little over a week ago i ve been casually suicidal for a while now the sound of my friend cry while giving me cpr is burned into my head forever i dont know if i ever lost my pulse but i wa barely breathing until the emts got to me it s scary that this experience didnt change anything about me when i think about it i laugh not in a laugh to hide the pain kind of way but like i actually had to get chest compression to keep me alive from my best friend and that s just so ridiculous like of course that would happen to me of all people idk it s just weird to me that this traumatic a fuck experience didnt change a thing about my outlook on life,Depression +39486,i have anxious attachment style and i have autism a well i m and i ve never had a relationship last more than month at this point i feel no one gon na understand or love me and i ll be alone forever do girl not like guy that are clingy and sensitive do i have to change,Depression +39368,if your anxiety is attached to your career goal doe success or validation relieve it,Depression +47517,"I cant stop thinking of ending it, its too late for me. I already ruined my life Im 24m , broke, ugly, alone and single. When i was in school i had something going for me. I was smart, top of my class. Good looking. Went to school for computer science and i ended up hating it. After i dropped out at 18, i worked job to job. dropped of school again. and now im a couple years out, working for 21 dollars an hour and starting to realize how much i ruined my life. You need money and education to have any sort of chance in life. You are better off not even going to college because once your a failure in life it consumes you. in every aspect of life. family wont treat you the same, girls wont even give me a chance once they know. and once you realize this you see life move without you. What are you supposed to do if you cant make more money, or have a girl to live for. there actually is not reason to live. your friends move on with there lives. I truly feel like its over for me. I know im exagerating but at the same time im not. Its over in the sense of ever being successful and happy. i failed at the most important time in my life. The days never get better, they only get horribly worse. So this is probably the end of the time for me.",Depression +13628,"Its mildly heartbreaking every time I am invited to an event and I check if my friends are going and they say yes coz it mean that they were going regardless of whether i was, and also means that didny think to ask me if i was going. Especially since I am 90% sure they would have asked at least one of their friends to decide whether they want to go or notJust a lil rant :) Never the first",Depression +14694,"Kind of want to vent a bit. Pretty much 99% of the time I do not realize things are real. Like I move through the world and I am just a camera with legs and ears. Taking in everything but not really processing it or realizing what it is. I find myself just walking and I somehow end up where in supposed to be when I have to, or do things when I have to. Nothing feels like it is tangible, like it is something that has a possible effect. Sometimes I have that one percent happen briefly, like a few seconds, and I realize that things are real. That I am not just imagining it or existing next to it. And it is a very... weird... feeling. it is like everything makes sense. Like things do exist and I can interact with them and not just watch or hear them happen. And then I lose that moment. And it does not happen for a while. And then I am stuck being nothing but eyes and ears again. Just watching and listening to things around me. Unable to understand them and feel like they are there. And it is painful. And I wish I could just be with them.This has been slowly driving me more depressed recently. It takes me a while to notice it, but I did this time. A long time after the fact. I am hoping with some things down the line I can actually be apart of what is around me. Tho my depression says otherwise. Time will tell I guess... Venting about derealization",Depression +47411,"Weird suicide thoughts I’m severely suicidal and do self-harm almost everyday. Only on one part of the body so even if I have band aid on it all the time, it won’t look as weird if I have several. + +But what I want to share when I think about killing myself, the first thing that comes to my mind is how it would inconvenience everyone around me. I don’t have much people who actually love me, like close to zero. But I still think about how it would be a hassle for them to like ship my body since I live far away from my immediate family. + +The second thing that comes to my mind is its absolutism and irreversibility. I’m an atheist and I think when I’m gone, I have nowhere to go. I’ll just stop existing. No heaven to watch how they will react or if they will miss me or think of me at least. + +I hope I get the courage I need soon to end it all and when I get that courage, I’m pretty sure I’ll be happy to go.",Depression +12522,i am so just tired of everything. nothing seems to go my way and it seems like i have no one and nothing. If i died i would not see a problem and it would solve many things. I am the worst i have ever been right now.,Depression +38816,i wa strongly recommended by my therapist to return to a physical hobby for my mental health and did so to great positive effect i have severe anxiety and depression and this hobby help about a much a medication or talk therapy doe and both of those work decently well for me i need all three at this point it make me do better at work all week and help prevent long slump of mental health issue if i miss a session it affect me for day currently i do this three time a week and day a week is during normal working hour i either return to work after or make up the work other day of the week i have a very flexible schedule am exempt and have been at this job for over 9 year it s after most of team i manage is offline for the day but plenty of my other colleague are still online and would theoretically want to have meeting my office ha no issue with thing like a standing actual medical appointment including therapy the problem is it look like a fun thing and it is a fun thing it s just also essential for me continuing to function a a person and an employee for reference before i started this i wa considering taking intermittent fmla instead which i ve had to do in the past and now that s unlikely any tip for talking about it a recurring appointment is how i ve framed it to people and i do reschedule if it is in conflict with something essential my new manager just asked to see the detail of my calendar my previous manager did not and now i m feeling anxious about what it s titled and how to describe it honestly i m now feeling anxious about everything i ve put on my schedule that help me work better and is within office policy allowance but is atypical like 0 minute early afternoon break that i block off a tentative because i often turn into a non functional blob for a bit around pm,Depression +40907,theekween depression le anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +7371,"I have been hiding my tears all day and my boss let me leave early. I thought spending close to $1k would help me cope, but it did not. Now I am just home and feeling worse. I want to attempt suicide once more, last time I really almost did it, until my brother found me. It just brought shame and made me want to move so my family will not find my body. My only real friends are all online and I feel really lonely. At this point I am thinking of making a plan, find my cat a home, give away my belonging and then end it. I am done trying, nothing ever works out for me. I want to be free already",Depression +17473,"all the hurt and pain and suffering that is going on every day. all the poor animals that are getting tortured and exploited for humans' pleasure, nature, poor ppl in third world countries .. it all hurtsthe monotony of the typical day to day life in cities - work, eat, social media or TV, sleep. especially work taking up SO much our lives.. It makes me rly hate living. I hate all of this. I hate living in a world this disgusting and it even makes me ashamed to be a human, bc of the amount of suffering we are causing to other beings and each other every day.it hurts, and I am sad to say that I find it rly difficult to, in a sense, ""turn myself off"" to these things and live in blissful ignorance, enjoying the ""little things"" like my silly little hobbies and tv shows and whatnot.I simply cannot. I just do not see the point in any of these things...I get that it is my own life and a lot of those things are not within my control, and that I should just focus on what would make me happier.but.. how could I turn a blind eye to all these horrible things while being ""happy""? how could I be happy when there is all these things going on everyday?I cannot stand to live in this worldI want to dieI just want to dieI find it so strange that my brain is always like, I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. when I am not actually like realistically suicidal. like I am not planning my suicide or anything and I also doubt I will ever be brave enough or want it badly enough to actually take action. (probably) so then if that is the case then why do I keep having such thoughts as ""I want to die""? I just really badly not want to exist, I guess. all the ""good"" in this world is nowhere near enough to negate all the hurt and suffering and pain that goes on everyday, all over this planet.I am tired. I do not want to be hereI do not want to.. be I cannot seem to take it anymore, living in a world like this",Depression +38199,gon na graduate highschool in a couple month i have no future plan no job can t go to college because of financial problem everyday waking up i feel like a total piece of garbage that never taken out my friend ha their own future some of them already have job i don t have any skill i m an idiot i don t know nothing i only have a mom left my big bro paying the bill rn after i graduate highschool if i don t have a job when i reach 0 y o or something happened to my life i m gon na do it or should i i don t know anymore i m scared of my future i hope it ll be okay i hope,Depression +8300,My english kind of sucks but i hope you make sense what iam sayingIam not sure if a depressed or if something is wrong with meIam 20 i have been bullied from the 1st gradeBeing hit every dayTeacher knowing iam being bullied and laughs with the bullies Bullie tries to kill me for fun(he threw me from a cliff)i got lucky and i cached on a treeI have good friends My crush confessed and wd dated for some timeA lot of good thing happend in this 20 yearsBut still as soon as i go to sleep i cannot stop crying etc.Iam a depressed or i have something else called otherwise? I am Depressed?,Depression +10624,"(Warning: Long read)I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I am 27 years old, still live at home, have no friends, no so, no life, no fluctuating income. I feel so stuck and no matter what I try to come up with, they never hold any weight. I am on ssi disability for severe mental health issues that I have tried addressing thru pills and therapy, been there done that and it has never worked out for the better. Also for this reason I have not been gainfully employed for the last few years. With my state of my mind and circumstance I would not want to wage slave to come home to this same situation anyways. If I did my mental health would probably tank even worse just for a couple bucks. It are not worth it. We all know making friends was hard before covid, now after all this craziness it is like good luck with that you know? I have no life at all. I have been watching mma like ufc fights for a long time and only till recently started training mma and kickboxing. With me not having a life thought it would be a great outlet and it is but it is not enough, not at all.Classes are like 1 hour a piece and they hold classes 4 days out of the week and honestly I am not old old but I are not a young buck anymore so even doing like 3 classes a week, an hour a piece has been beating my body down. I am so sore I can barely bend down down or move. I am hoping by Monday I can train again...Even if I had a body of a 18 year old and I could go all day long, 1 hour a day to do something still does not compare to the 23 hours I have left with nothing to do. I am 27, time is just ticking and everything I can try I do not have what it takes to do it and everything I do have what it takes I have tried and failed over and over again. Yes you fail you try again but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Given my circumstance I have tried everything, tried to really rack my brain to drastically change my situation and honestly no amount of self reevaluation has helped me figure this out.Me being a mental wreck at most things in life, some days I accept that my life may be this way for good but I just wish I had some friends or ""A"" friend to talk to or just confide in. it is one thing to go thru all of this but to do it in solitude is just so soul crushing. I know I am a guy and I am supposed to suck it up and find a way and keep trying but how long can I keep trying? This stupid anxiety is the curse of my life I swear. If I was not such a spastic loser none of this would be happening. If I at least had some friends or someone who gave a crap about me maybe I would have the motivation to mustard up some kind of idea or something I have not tried which Idk what since I have thought about everything but this loneliness, this emptiness inside me is killing me. I am close to crying as I type this but I am trying to contain myself. Nobody cares and why should they? I am a miserable, bitter, angry, lonely, loser with nothing to show for in life after being on this planet for 27 years. I had a passion in acting and music but none of those things are guarantee and it is like winning the lottery.it is ironic because usually people who make it in that industry are pretty fucked in the head like me but they got lucky. I feel like I have the mindset of someone who is famous, at least creativity wise and having a good amount of crazy in them but we all know that industry is over saturated it is all dumb luck. They get to release all that craziness but my talent is all wasted and I am just left with the craziness, nothing else. For people who would tell me , just keep pursuing it, it is not as simple. If you do not have movie looks or some kind of connections, you will be doing small short films or student films that go nowhere, that is reality of holly wood. So at the end of the day, it would take one crazy ass miracle to get me out of this situation. I used to be like wow I am 24 now, I am 25 now and now I am 27, 3 years behind 30. it is nuts man. Why and how did I turn out this way? Was it destiny? I feel like some people are meant to suffer all of their lives no matter what. Like you can play my life scenario a thousand different ways and I feel like some how I will always end up here in the exact spot, sitting in this chair typing these exact words. I know this was more of a rant then asking for advice so I apologize but I have no where to turn to. I feel like my existence is literally pointless",Depression +23975,"I am only happy when I am asleep. Not much going for me in life.. wasted potential. I am.supposed to be ""starting my life over"" right now but seems like the only jobs I would qualify for are barely livable. Any words of advice on how to make something of myself before I just throw in the towel? I have really had enough of this. Not enough sleep",Depression +22630,"summer depression sucks the most. there is so much to be enjoyed but no motivation to do so. i can see something like a sunset and logically understand its beauty, but still feel nothing. i feel like potentially joyful moments are happening right in front of me but I am unable to appreciate or recognize them feels nothing",Depression +7953,"Its been years, I tried everything and just when I thought I had gotten it slightly into control, with a good job, a great family and loved ones and even a better body. I still feel sad, and I am ashamed of myself feeling this way because I have got almost everything. Why do I still feel so empty. I am back here and somehow I feel ashamed of being sad",Depression +11779,"I try to distract with doing things or going places or seeing people I care about. I recently moved into my own place, got a puppy, made some new friends. I feel like reasonably I should be in a good place mentally, I am enjoying more out of my life than I have in a really long time. But I cannot stop thinking about killing myself. What do I really have to offer the world? I have too many things wrong with me to make me a worthy person, I feel. No matter what I do I cannot get past my own head. Things can get really really good and then something drastic happens that just throws me right back. I cannot stop thinking about killing myself",Depression +24895,"Everyone always let us me be around them because I am quiet and when I do talk its usually funny. But the more I talk to people the farther we grow apart, so its not like I have friends but friendly with people. Part of me wants friends but also I am just a waste of time for other people or the extra when they need people but that does not really happen anymore everyone is moved on to real friends and lives with real jobs and families and responsibilities. I know I could not handle the pressure because I have like 2 responsibilities and still cannot take care of them or myself lol. idk this just makes me sad because I want to be apart of the real world but idk how. idk what I even want to do or be or what I am besides a failure.Also the worst part about being a 24yo virgin is having to explain to my grandparents why I am not married and have kids yet when all my cousins around my age do. Like idk I have tried but I am bottom of the barrel and every girl I have talked to has better options. Everything is miserable and I do not want to go on, but I want my little bro to have more people in his life to replace me. I am just trying to stay out of the way",Depression +21437,I am always eating and throwing up or hours on the treadmill until I cannot move anymore hiding my sickness from my boyfriend is so hard sometimes but its fire season so hes gone for the next couple of months .. I feel so crippled by my self imagine I am scared that I will never feel like its enough. Its causing issues with someone I love so much because I cannot imagine he would ever want someone like me and now I have these trust issues that hes talking to other girls. He called me a nuisance yesterday when I was just looking for reassurance he cheated on me last year and I do not know if I can ever get over it. Is it supposed to hurt for this long? Crying on the treadmill,Depression +38646,how would you respond i said anxiety is not necessarily a physical ailment it s more internal and what s going on inside my head if you see me happy and cheerful it s because that s what i want you to see i try to hide my anxiety and act normal even though i m dying inside this conversation might seem easy to you but every word that is coming out of my mouth is causing me emotional pain while you will forget about this conversation in an hour or le i will think about it for the next year person shrugged and walked away,Depression +41287,ngayon lang ulit ako nag stay sa bahay kaya nasuot ko mga sando and short kong sa bahay ko lang nasusuot ta napansin ko shett semexy ako mga 9 hahahahaha chariz wala lang na appreciate ko lang yun lang siguro magandang nadulot ng depression sakin wahahahah,Depression +38241,i have been pretty down for the last few year and i felt mentally stuck in a limbo it is like i can t move back but i can t move forward i have just been surviving for the past few year but now it s like i can t physically move i don t feel like studying or even getting up and i don t know how to get over it it come and go but sometimes it come at really bad time i wish i could get over this part,Depression +15132,"Just as it says I am giving up and no longer making effort because it always fails and leads down a darker deeper hole. I will not kill myself but I also will not keep trying only to keep failing. My entire life has been spent being told if you keep trying you will succeed but that is one big freaking lie, so far nothing in life has worked out for me. I do not feel I have a place in this world so the only option is to just stay holed up in my piece of crap falling down house and wait for eventual death because I cannot kill myself. Giving up yet not killing self",Depression +40816,theekween it help with depression anxiety and loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +47342,"I have nothing No education, no family, no money, no discipline, few friends, no travels/experiences, few/no relationships, no car, bad job, bad anxiety, agoraphobia 2.5 yrs. + +SSRI's saved my bacon for anxiety but now I feel absolutely nothing when I orgasm. Sex isn't even fun anymore. I am 2 yrs sober off booze which is an achievement but another earthly pleasure I cant have. Smoking is my only escape. I severely lack self discipline and am constantly ashamed of myself for it. I cant plan anything in my life or build any pathway, I live day to day like an animal. + +I just hate what a pathetic and disjointed life I live. No path or career. No family. No education. Just an entry level WFH job and a bunch of medications to allow me to live life. I feel one literal step above homeless....I am the underclass. + +Fin",Depression +9454,I had several nervous breakdowns in front my boyfriend. I am very close to being depressed and I basically vent to him as I am in a toxic environment right now. he also has depression so he cannot handle me too and he gets angry with me for acting like hes my shrink.he says he wants to breakup. i know its for the best but do you think that someday hell forgive me and well go back together?what to say to him to apologize??? how to apologize for nervous breakdowns,Depression +7797,"I have been living the same day on repeat for about as long as i can remember, without trying to sound cliche I am in a hole that is just too deep to crawl out from. I do not know what to do to fix it and the longer I am alone just doing the same thing over and over the less i care which creates and endless cycle.I hate posting this shit on reddit because i know I am going to get into an argument with some guy and he will use it against me but yeah, in theory i should be someone who is able to thrive and create a decent life for themselves, but i just do not care anymore, years of being unable to create and maintain basic human relationships and social isolation kind of ruined me as a person.And as I have searched around, no one seems to have any real solution to this. Its always the same, well no one ever said it was easy rome was not built in a day well! The situation",Depression +23260,I think I have problems with myself... I am a piece of shit.,Depression +38043,why there is psychosis in profound depression whats the chemical explanation,Depression +15763,"Well, 3 girls, I have ever managed to date me but I only managed them because I find out, later on, they just circumstantial I guess? Just as a why not but never like yeah this is suitable which is bad... Like they kind of start to obsess over me in the honeymoon phase but then once it is gone bye-bye from there on out you know what else is kind of lonely I have friends but since I go to a lot of events etc. they all think I got a lot of friends so no one really reaches out to me... I do not know what I am doing anymore I wish I was white too. Might have better chances with girls being brown, guys lemme tell you the number of times I have had girls say to me their parents thinking my people are creepy so they cannot date a brown guy and that they must be dodgy so it is ingrained in them so they are kind of on edge around me when I am not even like... doing anything bad I am just talking or having fun honestly. I am just a gamer who does not even get mad I am so numb at this point in regards to being depressed I just let go of everything or just accept blame when it is not even my fault because I feel nothing towards it at this point I still think what hurt the most was when two of my friends had new friends and they were saying watch out for me as if I was a predator because of my skin color when in reality I am just an easy going guy and they were like do not sit next to him and watch out for him I am like eh? And just have to laugh it off... I am not dangerous just kind of sucks that this stuff happens so I am tired of trying to find another person but I would love to get married honestly it is a dream of mine as lame as that sounds and I honestly do not go around trying to force girls to date me etc. I am just at a point where I know it will not happen for me what is the point it would be nice but yeah I just know some people are destined to be alone and here I am on Reddit The last girl I liked kind of strung me along for years so lost years of my life on that which was my fault I was too weak to let go but she talked to me and stuff even when she had a bf I was always there, always. Crazy how loneliness can drive someone to actually post online here wow yikes Depressed and venting",Depression +23849,"and I cannot take it anymore. I hate that I am feeling this way given that I have been lucky enough to get a good job in this climate, but everyday I get home and breakdown crying.how am i supposed to spend the rest of my life like this? feels like i should give a well-deserving person this job and just die 2 months into my first real job after graduating with a degree",Depression +40319,put aside the weightless platitude that everyone say when someone mention suicide i want to know why me considering suicide a a genuine solution is so wrong why wouldn t i want a solution garunteed to work would you rather me live a long miserable life or have me logically decide that i ve had enough and have no more use here help me understand the logic what is so wrong about it this a question that ha continually plagued me so i would appreciate answer,Depression +23308,Everyone around me is better than I am and I know its true. I am nothing I am useless,Depression +41160,look like the first stage of depression for most people wa triggered by mishandling by parent,Depression +18038,"I feel so numb, i cannot explain it but i felt so nice a few days ago and i was working on music, and watching videos late until like 12. I started to feel numb and now i feel like life is constantly fucking me. I am a terrible person, i lie in situations where i should not, but i do. I lied to my parents about what i was doing and i got caught because my mom was in the same area and saw me. I knew how upset they are because i have done this a lot in high-school. So now I am even more of a disappointment and I have hurt the only people who care about me for my own selfish gain. Then i wake up this morning to a flat tire and have to spend over 1000 on new rims and tire because my rim was cracked, and they only had smaller after market stuff to fit my car. I am more in debt, and my parents probabky are vlose to hating me and I am only 20. What a fuckin life huh. I have done this to myself and do not deserve any pity or empathy or sympathy because I am impulsive and make stupid decisions on the fly to what ever whimsical thing I am doing. I because more harm than good. Fuck. Fuck life",Depression +40074,my other alt account wa deleted so i m posting here today i had a mental breakdown on the basis of what i feel are good thing in my life disappearing inexplicably oftentimes whenever i attempt interaction with aforementioned good thing the last straw wa today over a fairly trivial issue but i broke down because of so many thing that had happened recently in my past that i wa unable to shrug off my life is fairly good and i am very lucky to be living in a household full of opportunity however it feel a though whenever i try to fully indulge in what s provided to me whether it be by my hand or anothers it s normally gone in no time flat about the call i wa in the middle of my breakdown and tried to take the rational course of action calling the hotline because i desperately needed to talk with somebody only to vent my frustration and promptly be hung up on by the person on the other end of the line i tried calling twice more ok case i hung up on then by accident but wa almost immediately disconnected and the last time wasn t able to be connected with anyone fuck what if i were actually about to commit suicide and just wanted someone to talk with only to find out that they didn t care about my problem either it anger me just typing this i m sick of living this way i don t think suicide is the answer but i really just need someone to talk with about my frustration thanks for reading and hopefully your day is better than mine,Depression +16783,But I have not showered in like a week and I know if I get up from the sofa I am going to do something stupid so I am just stuck in this stupid fucking limbo with my cat asleep on my legs like she is keeping me hereWhen will I stop feeling like this Guy I like is coming over because big sad,Depression +39063,i am on week on prozac and experiencing no real change i took prozac before when my anxiety wa nowhere near a bad and so i don t really remember how long it took to make me feel better i just want to feel better,Depression +17944,Heh maybe its just sadness weird feeling tho Can you relat to the feeling of having a constant surge of anger mixed with frustration ?,Depression +9148,"Wanting a relationship but being out of shape( working on that), ugly and no personality or real talents as well as poor means I am shit out of luck! 26 years old and i have never spent a night with a woman. Obviously more important things than sex, but I am still a guy and want to experience it so not having any skill in that area sucks real fucking bad! I just cannot possibly see a good future. I am not going back to school ever so I am stuck with a hs diploma and my current job is really good and pays well for what I can get, but realistically I will never own a house, I will always be renting, living paycheck to paycheck and it will always suck Lonely and miserable",Depression +39173,i always dealt with anxiety growing up primarily social anxiety however it never bothered me much and i learned to control it however about a week ago i woke up in the middle of the night shaking with a pounding heart i shrugged it off and went to sleep within a few day later i wa starting to fall asleep when my body jolted and i had a panic attack it took me about 0 minute to get over then i went to work without sleeping within a short time at work i felt sickly nausea chill fatigue many symptom all at once i rushed home and the symptom didnt leave for day a week ha gone by and i am still expierencing some sickly symptom but the worst part is the anxiety everyday atleast twice my mind freak out i can not sleep well my heart ha been beating rapidly etc i went to a counselor it ha not helped medicine calm me but the sickly feeling doesn t go away i do not enjoy work out anymore loss of appetite i can not be alone a much bc my mind flip out i have never felt so uncomfortable sick and weak in my life i am usually a closed book but i am open to anything now this is the most miserable i have been in my life a dramatic a that sound,Depression +8542,"here is the cycle:1) Start feeling suicidal.2) Seek help.3) Get on some new meds and go to therapy.4) Start feeling better, start getting interested in stuff, start enjoying life. Start new projects. This time I am going to accomplish something!5) Meds start wearing off, therapy no longer helps.6) Get depressed. Lose interest in everything.7) Start feeling suicidal. Repeat!What the fuck? How long does this last, exactly? How does anyone else devote their entire fucking lives to particular disciplines or occupations or projects? And why the fuck cannot I maintain interest in anything for longer than a couple weeks without descending back into apathy and anhedonia? Why the fuck cannot I maintain interest in anything?",Depression +10031,I am in one of those moods where I just do not want to talk to anyone and be alone. I live alone and my family is just pushing me. They keep texting asking to see me and I try to blow them off but they do not stop. Idk why I cannot just tell them what is wrong I just feel like so withdrawn My family is smothering me,Depression +41374,pogba never said that manchester united wa dead to him furthermore just day after opening up about mental health and depression some journalist label pogba a toxic waste absolutely awful and just plain wrong mufc http t co m0oaeifywc,Depression +47574,"why don’t i fit in anywhere? have you ever felt like that? I don’t fit into any friend group and i’m very extroverted but somehow I don’t have any friends and I’ve felt this way since i was 12. i’m 23 now 😅 makes me sad seeing everyone going out with friends with genuine connections knowing i’ll most likely never have that! at this point I think it’s me, I would catch myself in middle/high school going from friend group to friend group, sometimes eating lunch by myself. that makes me feel like a total loser.",Depression +40631,tabuteaus come off it clearly not clinical depression if he s attributing it to playing under mourinho take a toll yeah but stop throwing around the word depression,Depression +14031,"Hey guys I really do not know how Reddit works so I am giving this a try. Never thought my first post would be on something like this. Not sure if it falls under depression but its been hard to keep going. I am not thinking of suicide or anything crazy but I have recently fallen into the mentality of what is the point? I am 21 years old I have plenty of friends even a girlfriend. I used to love going to the gym every day and now it feels like a chore. Everything I do feels like a chore. Recently I have been thinking that I am just doing all of this to get a good paying job work a 9-5 and call it a day. At the end of the day I am just going to die eventually, could be tomorrow or 60 years from now. I cannot really talk to my parents about it because they tell me you have friends a girlfriend and a job you have nothing to be sad about When people ask me what is wrong, I do not really know what to say because nothing in my life is worth being sad over. From an outside point of view my life is great, but its easier to tell people I am fine than explain things. I do not really know what I expect to come of this post but typing it out has helped me out a bit. Thanks for reading. New User",Depression +7805,"When I am by myself with my thoughts I always start feeling really sad and lonely and depressed. I am an introvert(or ambivert) and I love being alone but there is also always a part of me that feels like something is missing and then I get depressed and anxious So far in the summer I have been pretty busy with my internship and hanging out with friends which means I felt this feeling less than before summer started. This for a moment made me feel that maybe my mental health was improving. However, I finished my internship last week and this week I am spending more time at home and less time with friends. My plan was to get school work done(because of procrastination, I have not) but idk I have began feeling sad again for no reason. I think its because I do not have the distraction of hanging out with people anymore to ignore my thoughts. Does anyone feel this too? Any suggestions to stop? Feeling sad and lonely and depressed for no reason",Depression +13891,"Today is friends day, but all my friends block me and I am lonely and depressed... I miss them so much... I wish I could just talk to them... Weird how life is just not for everyone...Weird realize that I am not one of those people who get to be somebody important for other people...Life sucks Friends day",Depression +38146,in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to do something bad to myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening,Depression +15942,"I have been experiencing depression and anxiety for a year and a half now. I have been on ups and downs trying to fight it. Sometimes I will experience sudden anxiety attacks here and there but that is it. After my grandmother died, my aunt having a fight with her girlfriend, my dad having a mistress, me being sexually harassed without no one knowing and finding out my mom have a 200k debt. I am numb. I felt nothing. I just cried then brushed it off. But today I made a dumb move. I only have a few friends and only 1 very close friends that knows and that is there for me. &#x200B;I accidentally caused a trouble between her and my other friend causing her to be mad at me. She said I should say sorry to our friends. So I did. But after I sent my apology message I had an attack. But this is one is severe and i only experienced it once. I hide myself in my closet and continuously cried for hours only saying ""I am sorry it is my fault I did it"" over and over again. After that I just sat inside the dark closet and did nothing.&#x200B;I fucked up. My head feels numb. I do not know what to do. Suicide came in my mind but the pain of experiencing death scares me. I want to die but is there a way to die painlessly Sometimes I just question god, ""why? Why am I experiencing this? I am just f\*\*\*\*ng 14! I just want to be happy cannot I do that? I do not want this I did not wished for this! So why? WHY?""&#x200B;I am scared. it is so lonely. I am sorry. I am sorry it is my fault i did it",Depression +27038,My dad passed away in January of 2012 and eversince then my life's been going down hill. He elft me a very hefty inheritance but they say not even money can save you from the sadness. I am never truly happy. I fail at relationships. Whenever I get happy something bad happens. My mood swings are very bad. At one moment I am happy and the next I am feeling sorry for myself thinking of suicide. I do not want to kill myself but at the same time I do not want to be alive. Life is a gift. But I cannot live it like this. I hope that one day I can be able to overcome and beat my depression. I hope I can be able to live a happy life. I am living in the wrong timeline were I am always sad.,Depression +8603,"I am not trying to make some edgy post about how I want to do drugs and shit but I do not think its something you can say without coming across like that so whatever. But I do not know, I just want to do heroin really badly right now. I guess I am just sick of feeling so shitty and I am sick of nothing working to make it better. All the medications I have been on have done sweet fuck all and I have been through dozens at this point. Therapy has not helped me at all and I just feel awful all the time. I feel like I do not belong in the world at all and yet I am forced to exist in it. So I keep cycling between two thoughts constantly, that I want to kill myself or that I want to do heroin. I do not know why, but I really, REALLY want to try heroin",Depression +39183,my stomach is hurting all day from anxiety i have constipation what can i do to help this breathing is hard and it feel tight so i can t even breath properly no matter what so trying to breath properly wouldn t help because it feel impossible when my stomach and chest feel tight,Depression +18221,"Hi I cannot sleep until 7 am in the morning and wake up at 4 or 5 pm every day.No matter what I try I cannot change it.Other than that I am a messy person and every time I try do clean my room, after one weel its messy again.I am 25 years old and go to night school right now.I do not have a job, live with my parents and live off welfare.If you could help me somehow, I would be very grateful.Other than that suffer from intrusive thoughts and debilitating social anxiety.I feel sluggish and tired every day, no matter how much I have slept.Its extremely frustrating and life seems extremely hard. cannot get out of a my depression/ sleep rhythm disorder",Depression +17217,"Where do I start, therapy is not going as planned. I just sit there and talk about the things that are destroying me, without getting any help. I got kicked out of college because I was too anxious to go into the classes. I ruined another friendship because I did not have the energy to talk all the time, and I was too problematic, and that I bring the mood down. My grandma was rushed into hospital last night for a blood transfusion, and now her health has plummeted, which has fucking crushed me. I have been having a mental breakdown I do not know how long, I am tired, in pain, and just ready to give up. I feel like I am losing my life and cannot stop it. I honestly had hope that I could change things around",Depression +41037,just remembered that doctor have told me i have depression amp that make a lot of sense seeing how i took monday off saying i wa sick but just could not for the life of me bring myself g work amp i m literally writing an email at am saying im not coming the rest of the week,Depression +19578,"I have a roof over my head, food, and a job. But I am so so so unhappy and fucking miserable. I hate every moment of existing.I am just tired of having to try in life. I want to give up. I want to quit my job and do nothing. I try and try and nothing works. I do physical exercise. I sleep. I eat. Life is a repetitive monotonous hell.Existence is misery. I am so tired. I just want to quit. I want to quit everyday.",Depression +26711,I have no one. All I do is burden everyone with my issues and just by existing. I feel like I am a burden,Depression +10446,"I have been depressed for a really long time, essentially the majority of my life. In the midst of my current depressive episode I just notice how far back it actually goes and I have gotten 9 or 10 out of 16 years I have been living with this. I want to have a future, I want to have kids and a start a family when I am older, be successful, etc. I do not think I can do any of that if I am depressed at random. Every depressive episode can be triggered by even a mild inconvenience. My depression is only getting worse. Every year I lose the will to live more and more. Its been so long and I will need alot of therapy to get over it but that is the difficult part. By the time I can afford therapy I am scared it will be too late. My parents know about my problems but they ignore it. They know about the self harming, the suicidal thoughts, a rough idea of how long I have been depressed, etc and they do not believe its bad. I have asked for therapy multiple times and its been dismissed. Working a part time job that will allow me to afford therapy in college is iffy, affording therapy fresh out of college is iffy, whether or not I will ever be able to afford therapy is iffy. I see people, on tv, in books, in the news, online, even on subreddits like these, with children; and they constantly express how depressed they are and whether or not they can live for their children. I do not want that to be me. I do not want to grow up never getting the help I need and when I do someday have children, they lose their mother to suicide. Or even worse they grow up with a mother who is depression affects her ability to parent; and she ends up lashing out at her children or being incapable of taking care of them the way they need all the time.I want to try to heal in my life, and I know I cannot do it alone or even with support from loved ones. I know to heal I am going to need professional help, but I do not know if that is attainable. Healing before I can really live my life.",Depression +41236,wer mit einem depressiven menschen zu tun hat st t unweigerlich an seine grenzen denn der umgang mit ihnen ist anstrengend in great depression schreibt unsere kolumnistin ber psychische erkrankungen http t co pb wfwnglf,Depression +15859,Never thought Id say this but my 2 week holidays started and I already miss work since I have nothing going on in my life to be happy about..The weekend I just laid in my bed and watched YouTube videos and I feel like the next 2 weeks are going to be the same :( I do not like going out and enjoy being home with no irl friends but 2 weeks of that daily is horrible to my mental health What do you guys do on your holidays? What would you recommend me :( Work holiday and do not know what to do,Depression +24504,I do not have to deal with the stress and hardships of working everyday and when I run outta money I will be homeless and die. I see this as an absolute win! Unemployment is a win-win,Depression +40938,new podcast alert surrey scorcher guard caylin raftopoulos join the mvp cast to reveal his retirement plan and how he dealt with depression by learning to speak up http t co fn qbl r z,Depression +25048,I cannot understand how I fit into the world. I contribute nothing and I have no social circle. Most people do not struggle to meet such a basic level of functioning. I think I am done. I do not see why I am taking up a place. Not made for this world,Depression +41060,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co v ulbjpxa,Depression +19660,"tw for mention of sexual assaulthi all, I am 18 and i have schizoaffective-bipolar disease, currently unmedicated. things have been going okay for me the past few months generally until last month i got into some shit.in early May, i cut off my ex and the friend group that was associated with them because i felt that their lifestyle (constantly doing drugs with no ambitions) was detrimental to me, in addition to just feeling uncomfortable around my ex like that. we dated from January 2020 to June 2020 and we had hooked up a couple times after that earlier this year.a little bit after that happened, they started spreading allegations that i sexually assaulted my ex, or more specifically that i pressured them into giving consent. i really do not know how that happened, i tried to do everything i could to make them comfortable i asked multiple times beforehand, checked in during, and made sure they felt comfortable about all of it afterwards. i was absolutely blindsided by all of this and i still have no idea what happened. i reached out to my ex a couple times asking what happened, if i can help make amends, etc. but i never got a response i was specifically told by one of those ex-friends to leave them alone. (interestingly, said friend is the only person who has been spreading these allegations, though they are clearly still close with my ex).which i guess brings me here. i feel like the worst person in the world over a situation where i do not even know what i did wrong or how i can make amends. i feel like i truly do not deserve to live i feel like if i killed myself it would give everyone some closure. I have always had mood problems and this just intensified it, along with a lot of other shitty things happening in my life right now. i do not know what to do and i do not know how i can continue on with my life knowing the pain that i have caused. situation with ex/ex-friends intensified my depression need support/help/advice/something",Depression +47572,"What can I do in this case? I've been struggling with severe depression for a long time.I had a traumatic childhood. My parents didn't had any kind of love and were always shouting and fighting. I was always alone and nobody wanted to go out with me, watch a movie with me Or spend time with me. Now I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. It's getting so severe now, it's like one moment I'm very calm, talking and greeting people nicely with a huge smile and always willing to help but as soon as I see anyone happy I literally get terribly rude and feel like choking the life out of them. In this personality I literally feel like unaliving people as if I would really enjoy it. It's getting so bad now that others have started to notice. Am I becoming a psychopath? What can I do? I feel like I'm living on a limited time.",Depression +40088,im letting life pas by because im so stressed and cant deal with my problem so i just hide away and isolate myself and it starting to harm me where im currently cry because i have no solution for the hole i dug myself in help me please,Depression +47876,"Rabbit hole That feeling of going home after hanging out with friends. After you get home it’s relieving that you don’t have to smile anymore, or be happy for that matter. It’s like hot and cold, it’s so nice to see the people you love, but then go home and just lay and wither away.",Depression +7958,Can depression be incurable????? Can depression be incurable?,Depression +16613,"I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist after my GP referred me. My problem: the appointment is in 2 Weeks and I am getting worse Day by Day. I do not eat, barely sleep, and do nothing All Day. Every day feels longer than the one before. I was referred in the beginning of july, and have been unable to function since may. Steadily going down Day by Day. How do I cope? I just wish for quiet and peace. I wish I Could just sleep my way through. How do I cope?",Depression +19536,Is anyone else just like full blown depressed and 100% ready to die at any moment but you just end up living life and being a complicit player in this weird SICK game lol I feel so confused and always think about taking my life but honestly its hard and takes so much work and effort and you just want to lay down and fall into a light blissful rest in which you hope you never wake from lolz lmk if you guys feel the same xoxox I am fully ready to pass away,Depression +8365,"All I want is to fall in love and have a happy life with someone. I do not want items or wealth really. A stable living, sure, but no extravagance needed. Literally all I want is for someone to love me how I want to be loved. I have been in four major relationships and they have all been SO amazing. No drug on the earth has felt so good. But I have ruined every one of them. Its like I cannot even control myself. The narcissism runs so deep I do not know what I have even done or said until I sleep and when I wake up I feel like an absolute pos. And eventually the apologies run thin and finally they leave. I do not want to be this way. But I always have been. I hate myself so much. I am 30 now and felt like this last woman was the one. she is now gone too. I am in such a deep hole. I just cry randomly throughout the day. I cannot be alone but no one wants to be with me after a year of dating usually. I think I am hopeless and really want to just blow my head off. I really want to die but I am too addicted to the highs to let go",Depression +14691,"So, a friend was really stupid with me and stuff and I was able to forgive her right away and I am loving talking to her. but I still have a huge grudge against her. she did not talk to me for over a year just because she heard an unfounded rumor about me. I do not even want to delve into the rumor but it was fundamentally wrong and she apologized about it. however i keep thinking about it , i hate to think that maybe i love her and i want to die every day all the time Depression and friendship???",Depression +39767,context grew up in a pretty abusive family and always wanted to jill myself even a a young child it get worse till couldn t cope and went to child service at age a i felt i wa going crazy i wa removed from my family and never saw my mum sister again my suicidal thought seem to not always be here now but come in wave i m feeling pretty suicidal now a my gf left me but it made me reminiscent of my last suicidal episode about a year ago this wa the most intense one yet i had plan and everything the last thing i had to do wa to speak to my mum and sister before i passed away i spoke to my sister first and she basically wa horrible to me to the point i couldn t speak to my mum out of guilt turn out the abuse got a lot worse after i got removed and my sister blamed me for it it hit me pretty hard i didn t end up speaking to my mum here s where thing get interesting a i never spoke to my mum i never killed my self she ended up dying a few month afterwards now i feel weird if i had rang her and killed myself would she have been alive it sound silly but my mum illness wa caused by sadness i m sure if i spoke to her she would have survived but then i would be dead so would my suicide have saved a life somewhat this now make me more suicidal a i didn t speak to her before she died but this time i don t have the courage to kill myself sticky situation,Depression +17954,"After three years of medication for my clinical depression, and anxiety i stopped last week. My life had been quite traumatic previously to this, lost a father, had crazy family problems and was not having the best high school experience. After 6 years in total (three before the meds), I am so proud of myself. 5 attempted suicides and the trips to the mental health hospital ward at least three times a year (I am a guy btw). I am finally happy. My family love me so much, even if it does not feel like it. For anyone out there feeling lonely, you always have someone to fall back on, does not have to be family but someone will always be there i promise xps. if you are being recommended to start taking some anti-depressants, i can promise you the reward is a lot better than the risk. Lots of love, Stay Safe I am finally happy",Depression +26375,"Been struggling for 10 years with depression, always somehow managed to function. But it is coming back stronger than ever. I just feel so tired all the time and nothing brings me joy. My plants died, my instruments gathers layers of dust and instead of enjoying a game I sit in front of my Playstation and stare into the black until it is time to go to bed. Not that I am able to sleep but I am allowed to lay there.I feel empty. I just started changing my life, doing things I had been waiting years for and now that I am able to do this - nothing. Just nothing. I somehow wish my house would burn down. Or a car would take pity on me while I cross the street. I do not feel strong enough to make a change. I am a loser that cannot be grateful for anything and I know it could be way worse. But that is not making it easier for me.I am just deadly tired. it is coming back and everything's too much",Depression +39751,hypothetically if someone took 9 000mg fluvoxamine mg naltrexone and 0mg lorazepam what would happen all hypothetically of course,Depression +10927,"I want to die so fucking bad. I am 18 m i just met my father last time i made contact with him was on friday from more than 2 months , my last words to him was i hate you (and i still mean it ) his last words was ( nobody will ever care for you or endure you .",Depression +41332,cpt depression like you and the baby ohhhhhhsnap don t block me,Depression +23951,I slept for 7 days without eating when I was 18 Rock bottom,Depression +13896,"I started talking about how Id got a job interview and it made him start thinking about how he still had not managed to get an interview despite his multiple applications and good grades. He told me that if he does not get a job before hes 20 hes going to kill himself because he feels his existence will be pointless and hell be useless to society. In his own words Ill just be a meat sack sitting in bed. I told him multiple times that even if he does not get a job (which he will) hes still got meaning and that he means a shit tonne to me etc etc but it does not seem to change his mind at all. I am terrified I am going to lose him, it would genuinely break me and Id definitely kill myself to be with him (even tho he really does not want me to do that). He does not get treatment for his depression and he does not have meds because his mum is too obsessed with the idea that he has autism even when hes took multiple tests that have shown he does not. Has anyone got any advice on what I can do to help? He has been to camhs once before but it did not do anything for him and it just left him feeling drained :( (((TW SUI3IDE))) My boyfriend says hes going to kill himself if he does not get a job by 20 (hes 18)",Depression +16852,"Many things have been going in my life which depress me a lot and make me sad,Feeling lifeless ,hopeless and all.But I have a question why my emotions are Variable , one time I am happy (made myself understand) and the other times I am complete opposite .I know there is a reason.But I want these emotions to be constant , either I want myself to be completely motivated or make me completely depressed , why this life makes me happy or gives hope for a moment , I do not fu**ing need it Sry for harsh words but I am fed up , when I need motivation most importantly I am not getting it so that I can work when I need to at my most crucial times .I want to be stable. Emotions are Variable",Depression +18837,"Today marks the 9th anniversary of the promise that I made to myself, it was I would try very hard to make something of myself, try to be nice and help as much as I can and if things are still looking no better and I have made no friends then I would end my life at the 10th anniversary of the promise.9 yrs down things are still rough, yes I have learned so so much but life is not any better,I have tried multiple ideas, projects, business models it is always something unusually unlucky, Made 1 friend during the time and he stopped talking to me 2 months later due to some stupid misunderstanding.All the helping people really got me nowhere, do not get me wrong it felt good in my conscience but I guess you are not supposed to expect help in return.One year to go I have my will all written up, I still would try for another year but after that I am donating all my capital and my organs and leave my story in a free ebook named ""An epic tale of misfortune"".(PS: book is less depressing and more comedic listing some of the stupidest ways life cucked me over) 9th Anniversary of my promise",Depression +38156,i wa wondering what to do somedays he is so down and feel so low all he want is stay home and never go out today we went for a walk and he said it wa nothing special but he thanked me for coming and said he had a good time i want to find something special and out of the ordinary to make him forget about all the pressure and all the thing he ha in mind that make him feel down depressed and so low any idea,Depression +27020,"First, some background, I am 38/M and have been living with mom for the past six years. I moved back in with her because I was in a bad financial and emotional state. Lost my job was basically broke. After going through another couple jobs, I finally found stability in a job that I have had for the past few years. Now, I am thinking about moving out as it is time do that and my mom's going to retire soon.Still there is some uncertainty about what I want to do next. I am not in not sure how much I want to stay with the career I have been able to save up a fair amount of money because of my situation so I have some options I guess. I know that I have to make my own way in this world in spite of the issues I have but I am not sure what to do next.I do not really have much to keep me where I am now which is pretty much where I have lived all my life. I do not have any real friends, except for some that I message every once in a blue moon on FB. I have lived on my own before so I know I can do it but I wonder if getting a fresh start in a place far from where I am now is a good idea.Not sure if I should go somewhere where I am close to family or if I should not let that be something that is really important part of where I decide to go next. I know my depression is not as bad as some people's but it is something I still deal with on daily basis and the loneliness of not having friends is probably the worst part of it. I am hoping that getting away from this place that has so much personal negative history to it will help but I am not sure. Have any you been in a similar situation? Did moving help? Did you try to stay close to your family? Thanks in advance. Thinking about moving and getting a fresh start",Depression +24777,"i have nothing to say , I thought making more friends and being popular or filling my life with hobbies will fill the emptiness I feel , It just never gets filled . I am miserable.",Depression +26653,"I am 15 years old. I have fucked my life up so bad. about 8 months ago I cut all my friends off. started smoking crazy amounts of weed + more hardcore drugs, only left my house to buy drugs. I think I have given myself brain damage. I have no emotion. only dark thoughts. that is all. I am gone so far into this dark pit I do not think I will ever be able to live a normal life again. suicide is on my mind. when I am bored I make suicide notes up in my head. I do not even know why I am saying this here. I guess I just need to let it out. I cannot keep a routine. my sleep schedule is terrible. I barely see sunlight anymore.I just want to rest. writing this at 6am. accepting I am depressed. I am weak minded.",Depression +38563,i don t want to die i just want to not be here anymore every time i ve tried to explain this to someone they can t seem to understand i just want stop feeling this way,Depression +16077,"I do not feel like I have felt true happiness for a very long time. Sure, I can distract myself with friends and books or shows, maybe get a laugh or two but as soon as I have time alone to truly just think, I realize how miserable I am or how I had put on a face the entire time I was with other people. And when I am not sad, I am just completely numb. I am always either numb or sad",Depression +19296,I just want to find my man lol Fuck this single life,Depression +11731,i fucking hate myself sooo much I am a terrible person and i mess everything up and i wish everything could just stop,Depression +16126,"As my mental health deteriorates, my lmaos get longer lmaoooooo. that is true!",Depression +48179,"Please God, I do not wish to see the light of tomorrow. Take me away while I sleep fastly Not one more day of this torment. I fucking beg you every fucking night to take the life away from me. Right to the point I am awake, I am in despair, then I sleep and all suffering cannot be felt, only to wake again, realizing that it will be another day of agony. I am not interested in living. You have given me plenty of gifts, but all I have known is to throw them away. Now the only gift I ask of you is death. It will be your final gift to me, and the one gift I will treasure.",Depression +39830,my story is nothing compared to everyone else here it s such a stupid reason to post i know but i still wanted to say it please hate on me if you d like cause i deserve it there this girl i recenetly met from my college program for month so far obv with everything being online i have only met her irl once at school but i have severe social anxiety and always have been an introvert since i wa in like middle school so i couldnt talk to her that day i actaully even purposly avoided her because i dont know why we also live far away from each other with the college being hour away for u both but for each others house it hour so this would be a long distance relationship if i ever asked her out which i never will but it an idea before i met her i wa always sad with my life not studying playing game all day not going outside eating unhealthy spending money unwisely no friend and also with my parent not caring about me or talking to me at all so i wa alone and lonely i wa actaully thinking about killing myself because i wa just so done with life and thought there wa nothing left to do in life but literally right after i wa thinking about suicide i met her after meeting her i have been eating healthy studying with her playing game with her exercised because she told me to and she is just someone i can always talk to we basically talk to each other everyday with over 000 message and she is really a joy to talk with ive never really liked anyone this much in my life shes just perfect shes funny kind beautiful thoughtful trustworthy sweet list go on i like her too much and it now starting to affect the thought in my head im constantly thinking everyday how im unable to always be beside her how we will only stay a friend how we cant ever hang out together like friend normally do me not being able to say a word in front of her irl it just make me so fucking sad im such a fciuking loser and i hate it i hate anxiety i hate depression i hate my life ive grown too attached to her and i just cant stop having these thought in my head im also mad ugly so im also insecure about that im back to being suicidal but idk yet today we had an in person lecture that wa mandatory and i sat in the corner a i always do far far away from the people and she came in and sat right beside me i shouldve been happy i should have been gratful that we could be together in that short moment but my anxiety got the best of me and i ran away from her left the class left the school and went back home when i came home i saw so many message she ha sent me and i havent replied yet nor have i looked at it i dont know what to do anymore thanks for reading let me know how much of a dipshit i am please,Depression +12921,Lately I have been struggling and feeling depressed about my identity. I am also extremely stressed. I feel trapped in the person people know me to be. I do not even like stuff I used to or have the same exact personality. My friends talk to me and its feels like they see me as someone that I know is longer there. I do not know how to live my life the way I want and be who I really want to be from now on. Any advices ? I do not want to be me,Depression +9627,"My safe option was always by drug overdose. My moms a doctor so that should be easy. Nuh-uh, not easy at all, do not recommend. Its been 3 days and I still feel like shit, my hearts beating like crazy and I can barely move without getting dizzy. I did NOT sign up for this. I want to kill the pain not because it. I thought I was just going to sleep then not wake up. Well I did wake up and now I have diarrhoea. Are you kidding me? Most of the other methods are way too painful and dangerous if I do not succeed. What I took was supposed to be lethal for an adult and I am barely a teenager. Goddamn immune system. I probably will not try for a while, I do not want to feel like this again. I hate this. Why is killing yourself so damn hard",Depression +11367,I am not on any medication but I suffer from major depression. I opted for therapy. My eyes burn so bad from fatigue. Anyone else? Eyes burning.,Depression +24409,I tell them I am because I am too afraid to let them know I am not. Everyone asks if I am alright.,Depression +14389,"I never really enjoyed my life, but it was manageable. My father is a royal asshole, my mother did not intervene. My behavior was to blame according to them, it never occured to them it was a response to their shitty parenting. Of course i was bullied daily, which did not stop for about 12 years.In all this i was alone, and i broke 8 years ago. Major depression. I was not able to continue my education. I tried working, but cannot deal with the pressure. The things I used to love are empty and unfullfilling. I have been to all kinds of therapy, but nothing works. By now at least i know what is wrong with me, chronic childhood trauma.My last resort is going to a mental hospital, but if that fails i just do not know what to do anymore.I am a 26y/o man, and I feel like i never even started living, but only ever survived. it is taken 8 years of my life, with no prospect of getting better... I am close to just giving up.",Depression +38875,i have an interview tomorrow and i feel like i am dying from how stressed i am right now i already had a panic attack earlier but thankfully i came down from it fast this would be my second job ever and i wa at my first job for three year so i feel like i will be rusty and mess it up and i have to drive a route i am not used to and dont know well which driving is a major trigger for me can i have some word of support or encouragement to get through this please,Depression +14128,"I have been talking to/going on dates with/hanging out with someone for ~2 months so far. I like them. They like me. I think a relationship would be nice but I am scared. we have all heard that (potentially problematic) saying You cannot love someone else if you do not love yourself. or you cannot accept love from others if you do not love yourself. i do not know if i really believe that. many days, i am sad. i hate my life even though on paper it is an objectively good life. most of the time, i think about how I am going to kill myself between the ages of 40 and 50. does this mean i should not start a relationship? sometimes, i feel like a burden because they are dealing with their own struggles, and i do not want to make things worse. sometimes, its the opposite and they are worried about making *my* problems worse. i also do not want to become codependent and be two depressed assholes relying too heavily on each other. if one is in a bad mood, it could make the other feed off that, and then its just a cycle of bad moods instead of helping each other feel better. as you can see, I am overthinking this, like i always do. I have been depressed most of my life, so waiting for it to get better before starting a relationship is not really a smart idea :/-(we both currently see professionals for our mental health)-**TL;DR: Can i/should i start a relationship while dealing with long-standing mental health issues (mainly depression and anxiety)? What are your thoughts and/or experiences with this? What would you do?** How depressed is TOO depressed for a relationship?",Depression +40716,twitter is the only social medium platform i don t feel uncomfortable talking about how mentally ill i am im tired if struggling anxiety depression,Depression +47422,Graduated high school loss of hope. Graduating high school has made me confront my mortality and the fact that I am trapped to live. A loss of hope when you realize this is it. This is all there ever will be. Anyone else relate? how do you cope?,Depression +15866,"Because I have a quantitative mind it kind of helped me (a bit) to create this.. ""Ken's Drinking Calculator"" [ Ken's Drinking Calculator",Depression +16774,She used to be so dependable and now the only person I could have depended on is gone. it is like I do not even know her .. I cannot do any job I have no skills to make it on my own and I feel so worthless and weak I want to die I am scared of depending on people because of abandonment issues.. and this just made it worse... I do not see the point in living if I am not able to be independent... It hurts so much it is unbearable... I cannot take it anymore what reason do I have to live if I cannot defend myself.. everyone else has hurt me and left I cannot depend on anyone I am worthless and unloved My mother has become insane.,Depression +20195,I do not want to go back. I am going to have to get up at 6:00 am every day and come back at 3:00 pm. Then I have to do hours of homework that I will not remember and fail all of my classes. I have no friends and I do not care. My dad's expectations are going to kill me. I hate everything School,Depression +7838,F29. Anyone else starting to realise working 40 hours a week for a bullshit corporate job is not a natural way to live? I genuinely feel like I cannot take it anymore. I want to fuck it all off and live in a van or something haha This is not a normal way to live,Depression +48163,"I’m so close to giving up. +I hate this world, I hate this life, and I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate how I am. I hate the way I sound. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate existing. Every time I go to sleep I pray I won’t wake up. Every time I wake up I face the disappointment. I’m so tired of being a burden. I’m so tired of ruining everything around me. I’m so fucking tired of being me. I don’t want to be here anymore. Everything breath I breathe is more than I can take. Every day that passes I become more curious/ eager to find out what happens after death. Everyday I fight the urge to find out. I can’t go one hour without pointing out everything wrong with me. I can’t go a day without wishing I wasn’t here. It doesn’t get better. It never will. Every time I make the tiniest bit of progress life come and hits me like a fucking bus breaking down and destroying everything I’ve worked so hard to build up. I’ve come to the conclusion I just wasn’t made for living. Wasn’t made to survive. The longer im here the worse and longer I’ll suffer. Im so tired. Im so alone. No one understands. No one listens. No one cares. They never have. I crave the feeling of being loved. The feeling of being normal and accepted. I have nothing in my life nor have I done anything with it. What’s the point in trying to make someone I hate thrive? What’s the point of living a life I’ve never wanted. A life I’ve never felt loved or welcomed in. I’m ready to go. I don’t find myself being scared of what will happen to me anymore. I don’t find myself wondering if there’s a heaven or hell. I don’t find myself worrying how it’ll feel. I only seem to think that whatever’s waiting can’t make me feel worse than I already do. I have no one and nothing. Everyone in my life says I’m overreacting or doesn’t even listen enough to understand how I feel. I’m so worthless and useless. I feel so pathetic. Can’t get the energy to get out of bed so I just sit here with my thoughts and they eat me alive. Im not eating. Im barely drinking. Im not living. So whats the point? Why am I here?",Depression +18886,"Sometimes I just want to give up. The reason why will sound so petty and hilarious to you, ha ha. I am a 24 year old man. I am a virgin. this is a problem for me, not because I am desperate for an orgasm upgrade (my right hand does a decent enough job), but because I want validation that I am worth someone is time and that they will get that close to me. I want to love someone and know them intimately and vise versa. I do not think people who have had a partner actually understand this. they are always like ""its just sex"". Uh, no, for me, its a symbol of acceptance into humanity, a symbol of love and acceptance. Sure my mom loves me. She has to. The trick is to convince a total stranger that you are worth something. In my eyes, I am a loser and pathetic. I cannot tell you how painful that is. And to get to the point, I feel like I will take so long to recover. I have allot on my plate. A court case, drug addictions, social isolation, depression, unemployment, a bunch of nasty scars that are obviously self-inflicted, learning disabilities. Need I mention, a brain that is fantastic at compiling excuses. I feel like a disgusting and unnatractive wretch. I am sure you can understand that from what I listed. But also, please understand that I am desperate to reach out and have someone tell me I am worth spending time with. At my lowest most loserish point, I have become more desperate for affection than I have ever been in my life. Shit luck, that is. And I cannot help but think I will be into my thirties by the time I have ""focused on myself"" long enough to fuck. And then? Well, Ill get to fuck ugly thirty year olds. There it is, there is the petty point I have been tryuing to get to this whole time. To be honest, I like to look at 18-22 year olds, young people, that is who I am attracted to. And I have squandered my opportunities to be with those people. And I am never going to be bezos and be able to pay for peoples affection, adn I do not think I am going to look like arnold schwarznegger either. So I have missed out. Also I am drunk right now. Sour grapes",Depression +23414,There is not anything worth doing but I do not want to waste my entire life....help How to care about something?,Depression +41211,depression in older adult recognizing the sign of elderly depression and getting treatment http t co is9mstwzwu like share follow,Depression +39742,what do you say when you re told it get better with time it s been the heaviest thing to do when it come to holding myself up i had a hard 0 0 lost my brother best friend and stepdad to suicide and overdose i thought i wa ok i wa so wrong wound up losing my job then my wife decided that she wa better off with me she is probably right so all of 0 i m loosing everyone and every thing spouse life we haven t spoke in over a year iv tried to she is idk i try so hard to move forward though i m not getting anywhere i want to die i can t find the right answer to evolving and being able to engage with life it s been over a year she s great amp thriving i try to do myself in last saturday i tried to leave the car running in my garage and just drift away i couldn t even die right my car ran out a gas all i got wa a head ache and a lot deeper into my pit i ve been looking at and repositioning m pistal hopefully i can get down to business with it soon i know it s better if i do i m worth more in insurance than in life experience why can t i be good at this why am i abandoned in my darkest point they say give it time it s gon na be ok it s a lie time pass for them and i watch it just go by so i say goodbye and if i cross your mind later on know i foght until i couldn t the war in me is to much so it s me i choose my end instead of being this way or loosing touch and hurting someone who ha a good future,Depression +38121,i ve so many health issue and i m only starting with atopic and seborrhoeic dermatitis and psoriasis through endometriosis and hypothyroidism to ibs fucked up hip and pelvic floor and that s not even all and obviously only phisical thing that are wrong and i really try to take care of all of this problem but it s exhausting and for what to live in a world where everything is getting more and more fucked up every minute the pandemic the war the famine that s probably gon na come soon a a result of the war i m polish so very much can feel the effect of what s happening in ukraine i m also vegan and knowing that so many animal are still suffering and the price of everything are going up i don t even think i can afford to live anymore and i m really trying going on a walk in the forest everyday doing yoga eating healthy just generally taking care of myself like a normal person would but i just can t see the light at the end of the tunnel rant over,Depression +26252,"I cannot breathe, or function well. Sometimes it seems impossible to keep going. I know that my life is fairly decent as far as lives go, but it seems most days recently that I cannot even get up and going, or if I can force my body to go, Ilm so exhausted it does not seem worth it. Overwhelmed",Depression +23834,"I hurt many people, and some have left me and decided not to see me anymore. I do not know where they are, or what they are doing. They hate me, and I can tell. I just want to tell them somehow that I am sorry, that I hurt them so much. I do not want them to come back, that is not the point. I just want to know they are doing okay, and that they will continue to be doing okay. that is all I just want. I just want closure",Depression +39697,what are some thing i should get in order before i go i d like to either sell or toss most of my thing plan on paying off the little debt i have writing goodbye making sure nobody see anything traumatic what are some thing one would do or not do before death not looking for help or pitty just something i might be forgetting thanks,Depression +39728,i had plan for the future big plan they don t exist anymore a relatively recent assault took them from me the assault also took away my ability to enjoy being out of my house the thing that once made me happy no longer do i can t take care of myself i m on med but they don t help i get up and go through the motion but on the inside i am dying i am just a shell of who i once wa what s even the point why am i still trying,Depression +41048,let me get this straight so your mom wearing your sneaker will spiral you back to depression wawu,Depression +14696,"Every day feels like the same thing: I just want to sleep so I do not have to feel like this *but* I do not want to go to bed because I know I am going to wake up and do it all over again. I put off actually going to bed, finally pass out around 3 or 4, and sure enough, morning comes and I get to start rolling the Sisyphean boulder for another day. The cycle never ends",Depression +39516,hey so i feel cringe posting this and will likely delete but sometimes just venting and writing thing out is rlly calming and therapeutic this is my first post here but i ve lurked for a few year now and always read other people s story when im feeling down and alone which help sometimes background before getting into this i have gad and major depressive disorder and have been on ssri since 0 my dad side of the family all tend to have the same issue just on a way le of a scale i am awful at articulating my thought and it s insanely frustrating just a head up before getting into the incoherent vent post i m just gon na be listing a bunch of different thing that have been bothering me i am soon to be i am absolutely petrified of turning 0 and i have 0 accomplishment in life i still live with my parent i work a shitty job paying hr i have 0 motivation or drive to want to pursue anything like a better job meeting new people getting into a relationship etc i sit in my dark dimly lit room all day and play game watch twitch stream all of my friend are moving on and having kid and getting their own place and embracing adulthood with open arm i seem to be the only one that is incapable of making this transition i want to be a kid again i want the simpler time i hate responsibility and expectation i m immature and dumb and don t want to grow up i have a shitty jealous easily angered petty personality that i wa also blessed enough to obtain from my dad side of the family i have never met someone with a personality a petty and insecure a mine ex so i have this friend that applied for a government job that would be really good for her and she d be making good money this is obviously a great thing and i m happy for her but i would be lying if i said i wasn t kinda hoping she got turned down we both currently work shitty job and suffer the same money work struggle i think i just don t want to be left behind and feel like i m alone in my struggle i feel so shitty that i m even thinking this way i also have an ego that i rlly shouldn t have considering im an ugly short bald year old that peaked in highschool idk if it s undiagnosed narcissism or what but i know something is wrong because of this i am most of the time an awful friend i ve gotten better over the year because i gained some self awareness before though i would burn a lot of bridge i wa getting into argument with irl friend and internet friend weekly man i used to be such a bully to my little brother growing up too and i cringe every time i think about it im incredibly grateful every day that i wa able to gain self awareness and a want to change i have anxiety attack and sink into deep hole of depression when faced with the realization i have to work a 9 0 hour work week cuckjob for another 0 year i used to watch twitch stream a an escape but now i can t even do that anymore without having an anxiety attack that i ll never get to live the easy luxurious life that they do wake up whenever they want go to work whenever they want do w e they want for hour and then log off and go do fuck all they can take off whenever they want without the worry of being fired all while making more in year than i will ever make in lifetime of busting my as i understand i m describing like the top of twitch streamer but still i have really awful self esteem and have had for a long a i could remember i used to hate getting picture taken a a kid and would constantly try to hide my face it became a running gag in my friend group that i would never take picture it wa to a point where i wa having anxiety attack just seeing picture of myself there are time when i start to feel better about my appearance but then ill see a picture of myself and immediately get reminded that i m fuckin nosferatu i genuinely think i m incredibly below average and if it wasn t for the fact that i am addicted to working out i might just be the most undesirable man on the planet i would put myself in bottom 0th percentile in look i do think i have some degree of body dysmorphia and it s especially bad right now because im in a panic y state so i am probably overreacting a little about my appearance i ve always had some social anxiety growing up but it wa maintainable and didn t rlly stop me from doing most thing i wanted to do but there wa an incident in 0 that just made it skyrocket and it ha been progressively getting worse since quite frankly i think i am just doomed to suffer i genuinely do not see a happy ending future for me i am a walking abomination of every negative character trait imaginable that doesn t deserve to have good friend i don t even want to have kid because idk for certain if i just won t day get tired of it all and shoot my shot if u will i wouldn t want to have kid growing up without their dad i also don t want to potentially pas down to them the shitty mental health gene that i have and have them go through everything i have mentally bc it suck and i would want a better life for them honestly there s so much more fucking shit that i could complain about regarding myself but this is already long enough don t feel obligated to respond to this i ve already started to feel a little better just from typing it this is the th night in a row i ll be up till am bc anxiety attack keeping me from falling asleep oh yeah and reminder that this is all while still taking ssri s i do not want to imagine what my mental state would be without them tl dr money work growing up age look self esteem personality social anxiety it s all freakin shit and make me depressed and anxious,Depression +38865,i emailed my teacher a few week ago because we had a speech coming up so i emailed her ahead of time i explained that i have an anxiety disorder gad and that speaking in front of a class is not something i am able to do because of really bad anxiety attack and also i lose the ability to speak so yeah i asked if there wa any way i could still get point without having to do the speech in front of the class she asked if we could do it just u together a in i present it to just her at lunch i agreed but now i regret it my speech is tomorrow and i m freaking out even over just saying my speech to just her i don t think i can do it but it would look bad if i email her saying i ll just take the zero instead right,Depression +25775,"Hi!First, I am very sorry for the errors, english is not my first language and I do not have the energy to read an correct :(So a little background, I am a master student in electrical engineering, I completed my bachlor degree with honors last semester. I do not love electrical engineering but I am not bad at it and I enjoy learning so I wanted to persue a master degree. I am an international student and I live far from my family which I love!!I have always been kind of pessimistic, a friend even told me that I enjoy being sad because I only read books about racism, wars and injustice. Essays that try to explain them and stuff like that. I hardly ever watch feel good movies because I do not see the point of them.I have not seen my family since december 2019 because of travel restrictions and how badly covid is handled in my country, I am not sure I will be able to visit them this summer or even during chrismas. My studies have also been a million times harder with zoom-university due to isolation and the courses being already pretty hard.&#x200B;Anyway here is the core of the problem : since maybe 5 months I cry with no reason, I feel super overwhelmed without any particular reason. it is the end of the world when I have to send even the simplest mail. Last week I was either crying or sleeping. I do not want to do anything and even if I wanted I don""t have the physical ability to do so. Today for example I motivated myself to get out of bed at midday (miserable I know), I took my laptop and all I had to do was take the bus to the university. I could not do that and I just laid on the first bench I saw and slept there...This is obviously affecting my research, I want to tell my supervisor the issues I am facing but I am scared that everybody is tired and sad because of the pandemic and I am just being over-dramatic. I saw a psychologist march 2020 that told me after 20min that I had depression and anxiety but I did not like her nor did I trust what she said.Sooooo I guess my question is, do you think I should see a doctor for this and talk to my supervisor or life's supposed to be this hard? Am I depressed or just not doing enough?",Depression +39087,hey everyone i am just curious if anyone ha also suffered from this type of anxiety i will get anxiety and panic about one thing and after coping and learning to overcome this anxiety my anxiety tends to hyper fixate on something else to worry about im wondering if anyone else ha dealt with this and how they stopped this cycle im currently on sertraline and buspirone and attend therapy a well for anxiety and panic disorder,Depression +10997,Posting this for myself. To hold myself accountable and to let things go into the ether. I have been in a depressive hole for the past 2 years and have been working on the journey out but keep getting knocked down by life and my own bad habits. I take medication and do talk therapy every week. But I also smoke weed everyday which at this point feels like its almost counteracting all the work meds and therapy have been doing. I feel myself ashamed of my life and hating myself. I just wish I did not have to be conscious. I have been having invasive thoughts of self harm and wondering what would happened if I disappeared from this world. I have a few friends that I hold close and are there for me which I am so grateful for. But this thing inside me keeps wanting to kill me. I know they are just thoughts and everything will be fine. But it scares me that one day it may not be? How do you talk to yourself to survive? Feelings n Things,Depression +18255,"What am I supposed to do when I am paralyzed mentally? I really cannot do anything, it is very hard for me to get out of the bed and I am never motivated. What can I do if I do not have any will to live?",Depression +10821,"I can go walking, but it is not going to last very long. I could read a book outside, but I do not really read that much. I could just get some food and eat outside, but I feel awkward about people judging me. When I do spend that time outside, and I do not have much to do, I end up watching others, which not only makes me feel like a bit of a creep, but also makes me sad to see everyone else enjoying themselves.I wish I could enjoy other things outside since I know I feel better out there, but not having anything to do while outside sometimes feels worse. Spending time outside tends to make me feel better, but I have nothing to do outside.",Depression +19864,"I just hate the place that I live in, I hate engaging with people here, their're so toxic and self-righteous and I am tired of being interrupted by them every 10 minutes, I just want to be alone for a second and enjoy doing things that I love, but the paranoia prevents me for doing so.I have no friends to reach out to or spend time with, I try to go out but I do not know where to go, I feel like I am in prison.I am depressed for years because of this, I told my mom about it in hope of recovery, she told me she will look for a doctor, but mouths have past now and I have not got any treatment, she seems to not give a flying fuck about me, it fucking hurts man.I just want to leave this place but I have wait a couple because I am still at school, I want kill my self but the hope for a libration from this shithole keeps me patient, I do not how to deal with this situation, please help. I hate where I live",Depression +23201,"Every night I ask God why I am here. I am not a good person, I am quite the opposite. I have stolen, I have lied, I have cheated, I gossip and say terrible things about people. I have thoughts sometimes where I imagine people in my family or close to me dying so I can get sympathy from others. I often sit and imagine scenarios such as these or have hero fantasies where I am saving the day or people are praising me for doing something cool or smart. Why do I have these thoughts? I am 100% not suicidal, I know that much about myself right now. But I believe I must devote my life to solely others in order to repay for my actions on this world. I feel unworthy of even being on this planet though, and the only way I can find forgiveness for what I have done is to give my life to serving others. I will admit a lot of what I have done on this planet are things which are forgivable, all not terrible things. I know that. But, I cannot forgive myself for even the smallest things. On top of it I am selfish, I have treated my parents terribly before. I have said mean things to them and once I even kicked my mother when I was a kid. I feel like I am becoming depressed. All these thoughts I have comes from stress i think, but even after stress passes these things linger in my mind. I do not know what to do.Anyone who understands what I am saying I ask for help. Please, and I appreciate any advice. I feel worthless and do not know what to do, I think I am depressed",Depression +48166,"I just lie about being happy I just lie about being happy but when I drink and smoke ik the truth. I honestly don’t see myself living past 30, I’m just going through the emotions and trying to survive.",Depression +38391,i always had that sinking feeling it wa there but wa never able to find that proof i would ve done anything for her she built me up for so long all my life saying i would go far and be the best i can this positive reinforcement kept up until graduated high school in 0 9 i wa taking a gap year so i wa trying to find work in the mean time the pandemic hit a i wa searching and many business had already laid off so many and were not hiring at this point i wa getting the sly comment hear and there but nothing too sinister for the most part only after going from job to job only to be taken advantage of or have my hour cut did it escalate more fearing no other alternative i went back to an old company i had left due to the amount of hour we had to work and my physical wellbeing wa deteriorating while there i wa not hired based on the fact i had quit so many job in a short amount of time the abuse began to hit a whope new level i am berated whenever i come from my room criticized for all the simplest thing forgotten told i m the idiot of the family for not paying attention to everything and continuously told i will never make it on my own and will die outside i finally hit my breaking point and while i cried for myself thinking about all i had done she watched i didn t see her face but she wa judging me the whole time and left me i knew she didn t care anymore and she never ha i have hit a whole new low of depression,Depression +12986,"anyone else have a weird urge to take random days off and hole away for the day? I feel like this is a bad habit I have gotten into this year, just randomly taking a short notice day off and laying in bed all day doing nothing i do not know why but it totally helps me get back to somewhat normal for at least a little bit of time, albeit i do not explain why I am calling off work so maybe it leaves a bad impression random days off",Depression +14462,"I had already gone two months ago due to my first cavity being chipped for a long time, and a newly formed cavity.I realized after a bit that 2 of my other teeth were feeling sore at times. Looking closely I could not see any type of hole on my right molar, but my left side had a really tiny one I could not identify take as a concern for immediate action. I also feel sore under a top molar, but I cannot examine it.I am scared of telling my parents about it because fillings are expensive and they have not applied for a new insurance yet. I have neglected my teeth to depression throughout many periods of my life. Going to school in person always forced me to brush because I did not want to have bad breathe around people.Could I have reassurance that everything will be okay? I have two cavities and I feel scared to tell my parents",Depression +22332,"I am dealing with grief at the moment and I feel so alone. I feel like I have disconnected from everybody. I am so tired of feeling like having people care about me is something I need to ask for, just because I am outwardly self-sufficient. I am still human. Grief & loneliness",Depression +38561,i think my friend is depressed he isn t the same and he s going through a lot his girlfriend cheated and he recently found out he is adopted and i want to know how to help him,Depression +7664,"Hi, lately I have been feeling really depressed and I do not know the reason, I have been crying for several days too. Some days are better fortunately but I feel stuck and worried about the impact of my mental health on my future. I cannot get therapy because my mom said I did not have problems when I opened up to her for the first time (I am 17 btw), I guess some parents are not open minded and understanding enough to understand mental illness. When I try to have fun I cannot enjoy it, I always feel either sad or numb. I remember the times when I was not even feeling depressed like that. I hope it gets better one day, but I feel guilty for doing nothing for it. I tried to read books about mental health but I do not have the motivation for it yet. I feel pretty lonely too, I just have some support on the internet but nothing in real life because I struggle to open up to people. Feeling so depressed and hopeless",Depression +40355,i m trying really hard,Depression +18468,"A long, warm, cozzy hug. But i do not have anyone... I am just writing hopeless text that will not help me... it is so hard to accept that you will be lonely for the rest of your life. To accept that you will fall asleep every night wishing for a hug that will never exist... I need a hug...",Depression +9491,Been unemployed for too long. Been isolated and friendless for too long. I have no new thoughts or emotions. How the hell do I change things? Feel in a daze all the time. Everyday is exactly the same.,Depression +11583,I am very low functioning right now What helps you get out of bed?,Depression +9187,"Like how low can I go to make a song about my life sucking... it goes like someone come kill me dududu, I just want to fucking die. Someone come kill me dududu, please just let me die. God I wish life was full of good moments and not shitty ones. Make its not worth living. I am so depressed I made a song in my head about it..",Depression +18199,"This is the lowest I have ever been in my life. My brother tried to commit suicide by overdoseagain. He lived. I have been struggling for two years. I got divorced after ten years and my ex got custodial parent. I was released from the military after ten years, due to an accidental chemical burn injury to the entire lower part of my body. I have not been able to work in two years. I received a diagnosis of sever dysplasia (precancerous cells in my overies) I have three operations to remove them. My hair fell out, and I struggle to keep my weight at 115. We cannot afford enough food for me and my kiddo, so I skip eating. I go to school full time online. The bills alone are enough to overwhelm me but the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders. When my brother called to tell me goodby, this time, he told me why he wanted to die.I told him to fight to push past the shit in his head. In honesty I felt every single reason. I understood why he wanted to die, bc I been struggling with the same feelings. I cannot shake it, bc nothing is getting better. I still have a year of school to push through, I been applying to every online jobs I can find and continue to get scammed, I cannot catch my breath. My bother almost died and for some reason all I can feel when I think about it is peace. That it would be easier to just let go. I.am.struggling. Overdose",Depression +22802,"So today marks the day I went from being twenty-three to being six all over again. I am a child of divorce and an older sibling, I have had separation anxiety and trauma from abandonment (my parents separated and my mom had to move countries). So today my brother, who I have never been away from for longer than two weeks moved countries to my mom's. I stayed behind with my dad and should be moving in a year or so...The thing is this happened very quickly, and I did not expect to react this way, I feel extremely sad, lonely and depressed. ( I have depression and anxiety and take meds for this.) I feel like a child, I tried using what my therapist said about explaining this to my inner child, but I cannot seem to understand it? I have never been separated from anyone like this other than my mom, I have never gone through any breakups or anything like that so this is the very first time I have separated from someone for an extended period of time. We are very close, we have always been there for each other through the ugly divorce (he was a baby), the separation, the bad things, and of course the good stuff. I have basically helped to raise him too, so I feel like this is taking a little bit of my personality from me haha.I kind of feel like screaming, quitting my job, running away to a mountain, and just pretty much questioning every single life decision of my life. I feel so extremely lonely and it does not really help the fact that I am literally alone at this moment. I kind of feel as if I am in another dimension, or like another reality, I do not know. cannot really talk to friends since I am the mentally ill, sad backstory one and they just would not understand. I also cannot get with my psych until next week. So any tips? I do not even know how to call this, is this mourning? empty nest syndrome or am I just insane...Thanks for reading and sending you all the best in the world Feeling myself spinning out from a triggering event, not sure what to do or how to cope...",Depression +21284,"I am an 18 years old person that can trust and love anyone. Sadly that does not mean that everybody else love me and care about me as well I had people using me and having fun with me, without me noticing it from may school years I never had a loyal friend or even somebody to talk with because people thing I am a weirdo now I am 18years old and I have trouble of communication I do not show my feelings to anyone near me because I know that there are worse problems in this world such as not having to eat etc. so I am not important at all I also had dreams for my life until my family came and destroyed my hopes of achieving them. I always wanted to join the police academy but my family threatened me that if I enter this academy they will kick me out from home because I will be a fucking pig dressed in a blue uniform Inside my house I had many fights and I was usually a spectator of them almost every day until my 15 I had fights with a small reduction of them between my 13-15. I was locked in my room most of the times so I can at least make my ears stop from listening by putting some music and trying to hide my pain inside me ( fights was between my parents and my sisters but also between my parents ) In most of the times I just sit on my bed thinking and crying about my mistakes and usually convincing my self that I am not worthy and useful to anything and I achieved that as well I have not seen a good dream since 3 months and I wake up most of the times with a very fast heart beat I am feeling that I am not a human being than a monster because I do not do what other people do ( like watching football like every men does or like being able to fix something when it broken etc.)I usually have anger under minor things and I am always blaming my self for it because I am a useless monster. I also feel very stressed when I have to talk with someone ( and think that I am working as a check-in agent ) and I am trying to be as kind as possible so I can hide my stress not only in my working area but generallyIm not addicted to alcohol or drugs or anything so that is the only positive for meI used to like reading about history specially at the WWII era and I used to love trap music now I am just seating on my bed most of the time trying to find music that people love so I can have a reason to connect with them and I am scrolling for memes just to find something to laugh and cheer me up a bit I do not know why am I still alive and how am I still in this world when the world do not want meDisclaimer: sorry for my bad English its not my native language ( I cannot even do that as well ) and sorry for this long post I just really wanted to write it somewhere because I am having a breakdown like every night I do not know how am I still alive",Depression +19932,"I just do not know what I am supposed to do anymore. I have not had a holiday in 3 years, no relationship either, I am putting most of my money into repairing my parent's house but it is just not enough. My dad needs heart surgery now so I will have to pay debt for another few years. I am just so done. I am an only child so there is no one else to take care of the house or help my parents. And it is pretty bad, like this summer there was a storm and water got into the ceiling. I cannot invite anyone oever, we do not even have a bathroom. Why was not I born in a western country or in a richer family? I try to go to sleep every night by imagining I have a proper place to live in. I feel like I am going to make a bad decision some of these days. Is this how bank robbers are born lol... Poverty is just eating me away",Depression +23875,"I have been depressed/anxious all my life. I spent my youth moving around, and as a small outsider kid I would always be the target of bullying. I learned to hide my emotions, fake being okay, and draw attention to and away from myself. I spent all my time in books imagining fantasy worlds where I was not in my life. I made a close friend in 3rd grade, another subject of bullying, although he was abused as well. He confided in me in 5th grade and I realised we both wanted to not live anymore. I shamefully tried to end this friendship as I could not deal with the feelings that I felt. I am sorry.It was at this time I started dropping hints to the parent I most admired at the time. His masked panic that his child might have issues told me that talking about my problems was not okay for the people around me. I grew up with few close friends, and none that I could trust fully with my feelings.These past few years I have slowly settled down and gone to university, only to find that my failure to address my mental health has resulted in apathy in my studies, my hobbies. I have developed real, deep friendships, but I cannot find myself trusting my emotions to these people. And when I do, I am not relieved, just more hurt.I have not completed any subject these past couple of years, and now it is past due for me to graduate. I cannot keep lying to my parents, who I live with, but I cannot tell the truth either. One parent is socially inept, and the other is understanding with a background in mental health, but grew up in a very abusive household and has a difficult time confusing honesty and manipulation.I will never hurt myself, but I do not know how to tell people how I feel without it being like I am manipulating them, burdening them, or feeling like shit. I have been on the receiving end and I know it is difficult to hear. do not know what to tell my parents.",Depression +39118,hello everyone thank you for taking the time to read this i m very new to anxiety and wanting to learn technique on how to navigate my way through episode i ve began changing my diet and gone back to being active although not a much a when i wa in better shape in order to keep my mind busy during the day however it flair up at night time randomly and i ve gone to the er a few time out of fear of it being a heart attack thankfully they ve all been negative however i still find it hard to shake the urge to go there i recently got some lab work and my pcp told me i have slightly high cholesterol but manageable with diet and exercise vi ramos d deficiency which i m supplementing with caroming and ensuring i get sun for at least an hour a day however the worse thing that flared it after almost a month of episode wa hearing that i m at risk for heart disease so i ve gone into overdrive on changing my eating habit and working out to ensure that i can lower my chance a much a possible there lie my fear whenever i feel the slightest change in my heart beat i become hypersensitive and can t shake the feeling and it spiral from there thankfully i ve had my mom and girl friend to lean on and they ve been godsend i ve also had heart to heart with my mom during episode that seem to help it come to an end i m aware that i must change aspect of my lifestyle to ensure my health stay good and i prolong my life but is there anything else that work for you maybe there s something i haven t thought of i also wanted to post this so that i could feel part of the community this is new to me and i m making myself a vulnerable a possible in real life being letting my family friend and co worker know whom all have been awesome btw and allowing them to know where i m at but there s something about surrounding myself with others that are currently working through it take make me feel stronger supported it might be late for a majority of you but i d appreciate any advice whether it s a movie scene book or activity i m open to all thing to add into my repertoire i just came down from an episode so i apologize for any spelling error or if my thought we re convoyed correctly thank you,Depression +18779,"Hi everyone. I am a 23 year old male nurse that has been working for three years now. I was diagnosed with Major Depression while I was in High School along with anxiety, and Tourette Syndrome. I have been battling suicidal thoughts ever since then and I have been hospitalized at an inpatient psychiatric facility three times. I cannot remember if being inpatient actually helped me though. I have been receiving electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for a little over a year and have had two acute series done. The ECT has ruined my memory and it does not seem to be helping any longer. I had a treatment done on Monday and was already feeling severely depressed and suicidal by Tuesday night. I do not know what to do.I could commit myself again, but my brother's white coat ceremony is coming up and I need my PTO to be able to fly out there to see it. I also do not want my family to worry. I love them and they are the only reason that I have not killed myself yet. I also do not even know if its worth it. I have been inpatient three times already and the suicidal thoughts are still there. I do have a couple of good things going on in my life though. I have a great job and a extremely loving family that is almost always willing to put up with a call from me because I know it helps my depressed mood. I have told everyone that I talk to regularly (my brother, sister, aunt, uncle, Dad, and Mom) that I have been feeling down and that talking to them helps improve my mood. However, I have been struggling with the feeling that I am starting to call them too often. I just do not want to bother them. To make things worse, my therapist is currently on maternity leave. I have a substitute therapist but that just is not the same. On top of my depression, my anxiety is so severe that I am unable to make friends. I have not had a friend since high school and that was only because I was friends with my twin brother's friends. I just get so flustered when I am around people that I can barely talk. I have no work friends, they all just know me as the quiet guy. I do not know. Everything just feels like too much. I am so tired and frustrated. I am just ready for everything to be over. I have feel like I have been suicidal for most of my adult life",Depression +16493,"For the past 4 years, I have felt either flat out nothing or panic. I do not know what is wrong with me, so I would like to get checked out. Yet, I am just a minor and I really do not want to make my parents upset. Back in middle school, I harmed myself. Not too long after, my parents discovered self inflicted cuts. They asked me what I was so upset over. I could not answer them. The truth is, I could not really pinpoint what made me do it. I lied and told them that people were talking behind my back. They did not really take it seriously. They just told me that I should be grateful because I had a roof over my head and a good family. The school therapist did see me a few times, but it did not help at all. If anything, it made me feel ashamed of myself. Even earlier on, a teacher thought I had ADHD because I showed little interest in class. My parents ignored it. Everyone thinks I am doing well off because I get good grades and I am good at faking a smile. In reality, i do not know how much longer i can take any of this. I either feel nothing or intense dread at times. I am constantly hoping that time will pass in the blink of an eye. I am working so much that I feel like I am on autopilot. I do not feel like myself. I do not even remember what my personality is supposed to be like. I barely have any friends, but i think they are losing interest in me too. What should I do? Any advice helps. Thank you. How do I ask a family member for help?",Depression +22729,"Why cannot I just be alright with myself dude, I am so fucking done hiding my shit with humor and self deprecation, this is fucked up. TLDR; I hate myself and am annoyed by it I am sick of hating myself",Depression +38119,this suck because im so appreciative about what i have esspecially after what ive gone through i feel so stupid complaining about anything now honestly because at the back of my mind im like i made it in a way but im more alone then ever and i dont know what to do honestly,Depression +40336,i m year old live by myself and i m losing my marble i wa with a girl for two year up living together for until a week before my birthday when she dumped me cut me off and told me how horrible i am i ll admit i ve been controlling i had caught and been told about her having an affair with a coworker halfway through and still forgave her around new year she told me she is pregnant with my child i m pretty positive it s mine but now i m hoping it s not im off the deep end i think horrible thought all day a i mindlessly build door for 0 hour i imagine just ending it after work and how thing are going to be so much better when i do it im broke with bill i m court ordered therapy and today wa my 90 compliance order time now i get violated i don t want help i want to die i m just scared what s it s going to do to my fragile parent i m a psychopath i m adopted i don t even know who made me i wa never even supposed to be here i don t think anyone will read these but i need to say it somewhere and i dont want help i can t change my mind anymore i wasn t made for this bullshit i ll do more harm to others if i don t end myself before pray for my daughter pray for my parent i can t do this shit anymore,Depression +39817,i miss jesus i miss the warmth warmth of the graspclasped onto me with both handsholy hand holding hand hold my handi remember i surrender to falsity and ill conceived connotation taught to believe misinformation that my purpose wa purposeful but it s all for man s profitand the only true prophet is the soothsayerand the soothsayer is an entity of many layersa coterie educates on blanket of misconceptionblanket me so i ll be warm full and fret freedisrobe me so i ll be broken open and emptyall i take is blue pill to calm mebut all i really intake is falsitythese line are just stanza so do a you willlife demand a mind of stabilitynot insanity but insane is written all over meso take your fake pill and snort up these linesor waste it all get ill and snort white lineswhite lie won t kill right get wasted don t wake up just wait for you to fucking taste itit s never enoughtake your blind pleasure freedom and delight it your birthrightfree will do a you willbut think twice before they put you on the spotlight because once they have you chained up you convert into a cenobite with no change you secure your own chainsand if you re unbothered call me deranged may a well fasten the rope and stay restrained no one s going to save you except the latter so choose a life of false glamour or have it shatterthe pain is worth itonce you re open you can truly observe it unlearn it be free from the cage or stay locked in and fall into the greyits all a fucking rat race,Depression +11869,"I am leaving my difficulties of thinking, talking with my friends about my problems is helping me more but I still having my intrusive thoughts and it is hard to control, sometimes I think it is my fault. what i can do to control me? me again",Depression +9051,"I lost each of my friends a few years ago, and I still cannot go a day without thinking about it. It ended really badly with everyone.They were the only close friends I have had, and before and after I was friends with them I have felt like an empty husk without a purpose. They still talk about how much they hate me and how much happier they are without me on social media, and it hurts me so much. It hurts just as much as the day it happened, and I do not know who I am or what value I have without them.Every day is a struggle to get through, and I feel like I cannot keep living like this; always suicidal and thinking about how the only people who is opinions I cared about do not care if I live or die.I have nightmares regularly of them all in front of me telling me how horrible I am. I have been seeing a therapist and on meds for a long time, but it still feels the same.I do not know what to do anymore, I just want to feel like there is a future like I used to. My only friends despise me",Depression +38034,i am 0 trying to achieve my goal but i stay on bed doing nothing for several month i live alone and feel loneliness all the time i want somebody to get motivated together on daily basis to overcome our problem,Depression +11890,"Two days ago, I had my first mental breakdown at work because I was blamed for everything for a mistake which in my opinion was not my fault, crying for 15 minutes (at home, homeoffice)Let me summarize what happened. I am a sales (not manager) guy, and I am in charge of pricing and getting orders from my customers and especially maintaining the situation for new/R&D projects and its sample phases. I have one senior (manager) colleague from purchasing who is in charge of purchase and she is responsible for preparing stock. So we have to (unfortunately) keep in touch and work together as she needs to know the project situation from my customers and prepare stock accordingly.So, in beginning of this year, my customer gave me information of the material list and that SOP is scheduled for November 2021. The lead times for us to prepare is long (40+ weeks), thus my colleague keeps asking me if she should issue orders to our suppliers. As I did not want to go for any risks, I warned my customer about the lead times and said they should release firm orders to us, so I have a commitment and know they will buy the stuff we prepare. My customer kept saying the list is still not finalized but the list would go to the forecast soon and release order soon and they are aware of the lead times. I explained to my colleague to only order if we have something firm and she agrees, and says she would wait until the list of items are in our customer's purchase list/forecast in their system.Still, in mid of 2021 we still have not received any firm orders and I kept pushing my customer every week. The only reply was, that orders will come soon. Then, last week I received feedback from my customer that the list got smaller and only 4 of the 10 original items are needed (Still no order from customer). At the moment my colleague told our director that we actually already issued order to our supplier (to my surprise) for the 10 items and I am at fault for now having dead stock because I am bad at managing this. Furthermore, She kept asking and harassing me why the customer did not release any orders despite SOP is November. I told her I explained to the customer many times and they said they understand the situation and will wait with the lead time. Furthermore, it is not our fault if the customer does not release orders when we explained them many times the conditions. Well, she did not care or give a fuck.So after that my colleague harassed me for being bad at this job and managing poorly and being fault for having dead stock now (SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR PURCHASES TO OUR SUPPLIERS!!!!), she of course snitched and complained at out managing director and blamed everything on me. Because I am quite the small fry compared to her in the company hierarchy, the director at first believed only her story and continued criticizing me. Every try of me to explain that I told her to only order when there is commitment from customer, and that we did not know the list of materials was still pending until last week, was seen as a poor excuse. My director looked for reasons to blame me, such as it was also my responsibility to oversee what is ordered and to tell the customer they need to buy our stuff if we already prepare that for them. When I tried to say we should not have ordered at the first place which is her responsibility, I was just shut down.After that I just hoped to die with my 30 years instantly. I was just frustrated of everything and wanted to cease to exist and cried in the corner for 15 minutes.... I think this is what we call power harassment in the office and I guess I was the victim... Never felt so miserable but I think this is unfortunately quite common in work life. I am at this company now for 4 years and I realized the senior purchasing colleague is a bigshot because she is good at maintaining her juniors low and never letting anyone overtake her. She keeps all the difficult work for herself so that no one can replace her. So unfortunately, even if she has problems with some colleagues, she is not easily replaceable.Today my superior helped me and we had a 2 hour meeting with my director explaining what I did for this project since 2020 and made clear that I never supported the idea to order stuff without commitment from customer. Thank god, after that my director believed me and said he will check why our purchasing team ordered the stuff....But still, I still feel miserable for being blamed and that senior colleague from purchasing of mine will for sure continue to do so next time and blame everyone for little mistakes as long as she benefits from that...I used to be such a motivated man when I started working, now I just realize how fuckup this worklife can be.... First mental breakdown at work and cried for 15 minutes",Depression +40536,i really need to see a doctor about my depression every time it s spiked like today i just feel worse and worse what the hell is wrong with me,Depression +22321,"I am so done with life, my job sucks, place is trash, vehicle is a piece, I keep self sabotaging myself when it comes to friendships and relationships. I should of off myself in 2019, but I thought getting a dog would help, and it did for a while, hes the only thing that is keeping me from hanging from a noose. I have tried talking and meds, none of it works, maybe some people are just not meant to be alive till they are old. I am over life",Depression +9023,#NAME?,Depression +26069,"Ok so I have always thought that death could happen randomly car crash, brain aneurysm etc. So me for being 20 and coming from a family who has worked 24/7 I wrote a will to who would get my bitcoin fortune, aswell as instructions on how to access my private keys. If I did not write this then my $50k+ would be trapped on a usb for eternity if I died. But my mother is crying saying you are in a dark place. I do not know how to reassure her. I have thought of suicide 100+ times but I have never even thought abt cutting or actually attempting. How do I reassure her. Parents found my suicide note",Depression +8215,"I was diagnosed with a thyroid tumor about 2 years ago, but stopped showing up at the hospital soon after. I am 21 now. have not told about it to my parents yet, because I do not want to be a burden even though I know they deserve the truth.I have been horribly ashamed of my life decisions since I was around 17 or even earlier.I work at a dead end job and the only reason I show up is out of fear of having to move back in with my parents ( They did make some questionable choices when I was growing up, but out of love for me)I am still in love with a girl I never told about my feelings.(Probably just the idea of her, but it is hard to tell)I make plans but never follow through.I let some of my friends to take advantage of me, as I rarely stand up for myself.I have done a lot of drugs, to hide the pain and forget about my mistakes and regrets.The only time I am honest is when I am drunk or high Except right now I guess, which is weird...I do have dreams and aspirations though, but I set myself such high standards that It makes me paralyzed.No matter how many self-help books I read, or self-reflection I do I am still unable to ask for help. But I really do want help. Help me. Please just help me?Help!Tldr - I am a procrastinating hypocriteIt does feel great to write this, even if I do not end up posting it. Sorry for my language skills I am not a native.Ps. Go get vaccinated please, I will not probably make it but you might, and the next waves that come will kill the economy. Or maybe it deserves to die before it can be rebuilt on some better foundations. The only thing I am not procrastinating with is living",Depression +39104,i feel so anxious about school and suddenly there are so many people who reaching out to me for help and thing like that my mind just can t seem to calm down i feel like cry and vomitting at the same time but i can t take a break cause of school deadline i just want this madness to stop,Depression +15482,"I have an auora about be me that just exudes a shitty horrible person. To top it off I am s big loser with zero positive attributes. I am at best mediocre with the few skills I have. I do not contribute anything to society or my friends. My family and kids would not even blink I disappeared. I tell my wife these things and ongoing examples of me getting ignored or walked allover and she really just says oh you are having a good day. There is literally no one that wants to be around me. Well that is me, a piece of shit. Just sharing and not wanting any feedback or reasons why I am not. I am a loser, I really am a garbage individual.",Depression +47460,"Find it hard to care anymore Simple as, just don’t know where to state these emotions so I do it here ig",Depression +25795,I am unlovable and talked down to. I am a bag of cells and a soul in pain. I do not want to leave bed because why does anything matter. I want to fade away into nothing and Ill be unoticed. I am forgettable. I have no support. I just do not want to be here,Depression +40185,ive always been extremely considerate for people need even sacrificing my own for the sake of their need always just never telling the full picture or always refraining from saying certain thing a i do not want to offend people i just never get that level of consideration back not even half of it i must be a prick asking for this stuff i shouldnt expect anything for being kind but it always suck when you always get the short end of the stick always ignored no one give a shit not even from redditors though ive met some pretty kind one but the others are honestly garbage i remember i once typed something about killing myself and some random person messaged me sayinng that they want me to buy something for them a i anyways would not stay here for long that wa a year ago on this subreddit there wa a deleted comment in that post but i guess it wa the person who messaged me that one year ago ready to kill myself and here we are a year later and no progress with that i also remember another dude who said tick tock when i mentioned about killing myself not in this subreddit but from the trueoffmychest one i honestly fucking wonder why im even here ive amounted to almost nothing im tired of caring or expecting any form of love ive had so much copium in my entire life that i just never realised that no one really give a shit about me and im just dangling on a fucking thread that just wont fucking break cuz im a coward who secretly want to live but just want this fucing contant pain misery and dissappointment to just go away for once in my miserable life tldr fuck everything and everyone goodbye and goodnight,Depression +39624,i purchased a helium tank just waiting for it to come i don t feel sad anymore just peaceful and ready for an exit,Depression +40574,theekween thelmasherbs make people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break and any traumatic event,Depression +9539,Over the last 4 days I have gotten around 3-4 hours of sleep which is really annoying because I am tired all do so I cannot do anything but I am not tired enough to sleep :( How to sleep well?,Depression +47609,"I feel like there’s no point I am so mentally and physically ill that I can’t keep jobs or go to school. The realization that I am never going to feel better after the years of medication and on and off therapy because I’m so poor I can’t afford healthcare. It’s not even worth it anymore. Nothing makes me happy and I can’t imagine myself actually managing to live a normal life because my brain is so messed up and wrong. The thought of not existing anymore with all the every day stress, makes me feel better. and i dont want to exist anymore",Depression +15202,"How hard it is to even live a day doing nothing but being at war with your mind and body, fighting just to shower and get dressed, having so many thoughts and feelings that it makes you wonder is the next day worth it. Just being mentally tired all day. Life is hard",Depression +21713,I am 20 just going through life realizing that I am such a fuck up. Alot of my peers are getting into relationships and internships. Meanwhile I am a loser who fails classes cannot talk to anyone and just wants to stay home. I am such a burden I just want to leave my family and friends because I cannot imagine that I bring them any joy. I just sit there whenever were together no one asks me anything and I just do not talk because when I do I sound like a fucking moron. So I just sit there and zone out. I just feel like no one would notice if I was gone until they needed something from me. I just want to go away so they can be free from me and I will not be able to burden them anymore. Why do I keep fucking up,Depression +12441,"I have been prescribed 10mg lexapro that I have been taking everyday at 11am since January of this year. In the last couple of weeks I forgot to take it a couple of days in a row. I think last week I took it maybe once. I forgot to take it again today but took one yesterday. I feel a slight increase in hunger when on it but feel fine when I am not taking it. Should I just take advantage of the situation and stop taking it? Will I have a relapse? Or should I start taking it regularly again? I have not been taking my antidepressant but I feel fine, should I just stop?",Depression +19078,"I am ready to live again and be happy. I have been rolling with the punches and talking out my problems, but how do I know its not just the drugs. Drink makes me happy so how do I know its not that. Nicotine soothes me when I am alone and the feeling of having something to smoke helps my anxiety. I feel so happy, but how do I know if its the drugs or not. I am finally ready to live again, but I am not sure why.",Depression +38422,i m so exhausted my brain create me a child personality a sort of a dissociation disorder that take control of me of my action of my voice of my thought so sometimes i m a child because of my fucking depressed brain i also have a lot of memory lost it s like my memory reset all the time my head is a prison a hell i hate this brain and i hate this existence,Depression +16949,"I am just starting off as a nurse on a psychiatry mental health unit and I wanted to reach out and hear about the experiences of anyone admitted to units like this in the past. What are things your nurses did that you really appreciated? what did you wish your nurses cared more about/payed more attention too? looking back, how could have your health care team, especially the nurses, better cared for you? Any tips or advice from your experiences as a patient to someone like myself? Thanks loves Mental health worker, trying to become better at my job.",Depression +25473,"I take trazodone, it does help, but I need something to go with it. I just had a suicidal bout and they always come at some point I am just not happy, I need suggestions to give to my dr, cuz I have not been well in 5/6 years. Its really bringing me to a place I do not want to be What meds do you take",Depression +23609,"I have been self-harm free for the past two days! (the longest I have been clean in the last month) i also have been talking to a really close friend that i cut contact with for awhile and it feels nice to talk to him again. just in general I am doing good and even though I have only felt like this for two days I am just proud of myself and having a good time. so yea this is just like a reverse vent thing idk, i know those two accomplishments are not super big but i feel ok for the first time in a little while and i think this is the road to making progress in really getting better. hi just want to share how proud of myself i am :)",Depression +7347,"I am 17, been on Effexor for about a year. I was suicidal before starting it and now I feel mostly fine. I am going off of it because I feel like it has affected my ability to maintain relationships - both girlfriends I have had while I have been on it, I feel like I have not been able to actually connect with them emotionally, like I cannot fall in love with them. I have heard other people share similar stories. Also, I am sexually active with my girlfriend and I cannot cum - we have had sex probably like twice a week, for the last 2 months, and I have finished exactly 1 time. Its horrible. For a while I could not even get it up. But anyways, that is why I am going off it. What should I do to try to prevent my depression from coming back once I am off it? I am currently in the process of weaning off of Effexor. I am at like half of my dose of 75 mg, planning on cutting that to 0 in 2 weeks or so, once I run out of pills. How do I make sure my depression does not come back after going off of antidepressants?",Depression +9120,So I have been thinking about this for 'bout 2 years now and since approximately 6 years or so I cannot get sad anymore. Of course I tried to search for it in the internet already but the only causes I could find were things like trauma which I certainly do not have. Thank you for your potential reply cannot be sad?,Depression +47199,"I just want to rant about my depression and anxiety from my depression I talk a lot, I get it from people not wanting to talk to me as a child or telling me I talk to much when I share something I enjoyed. Which created childhood depression and it effected me in several ways and still does 14+ years later (I’m 19 to put that into perspective to just how long I’ve had dealt with this). One of my earliest memories is wanting to become a smart muggle witch like Hermione from Harry Potter. I was so exited about the films I would talk to almost everyone I came across about HP, well almost everyone told me I can’t/I will never be able too/that’s bad/ect but more than anything they would tell me I talk to much, it isn’t ladylike to speak that much. I was 5 years old. As the years went by I was told not to speak often, and anytime I spoke about anything I knew something of such as history or science and especially if I was excited about it I would be cut off and told I spoke to much. All of my “friends” growing up would ignore me in groups or not pay attention if I wanted to join the conversation. Bc of that I became a wall flower and I over tall when people talk to me. I get very depressed most days due to my excessive talking. I know my excessive talking is coming from anxiety, but the depression of feeling alone hurts more. Thank you for reading this if you do read this.",Depression +9906,"This place is hell and I am being punished so all pain and suffering experienced is justified I guessmaybe if I convince myself hard enough that will actually become my realitysomething anything to fill the hole. Its all too painfully empty, I cannot even hate it. I cannot do anything but distract myself.I miss that kid There is no answer",Depression +47993,"1am thoughts Lord help me. +I need your guidance for what to do with my life. +I need someone to talk to. My life is a disappointment. + +I want to give back to my parents, what I am now is because of them. It hurts me seeing them getting old as time goes by. + + I haven't achieved anything in life. My thoughts are drowning me. Always too tired even without doing anything. Tired of life, only sleep is my therapy. + +My partner has her own problems, she's too busy with everything. My closest friends have left me. I dont want my parents to worry. My brother has his own family. I don't have anyone to confide to. Life is draining me to my core. + +Never felt so alone in my life. People are around me everyday but no one seems to care. I've been pretending to be okay for the longest time. I'm no longer my previous self, the confident one, the know it all, the positive guy. I have no ambition, no expectations, all I care now is how to finish the day. This has been my lowest state, my whole body is aching, my soul is hurting, my brain decided to stopped working. + +I miss myself. I miss being happy. I miss being at the moment. I miss celebrating life. I miss being intimate with someone. I miss competing. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss waking up excited. I miss caring. I miss eating with people. I miss being motivated. I miss having a purpose. I miss having a goal. + +This is me now. Look how pathetic am I.",Depression +39319,i got a new job two week ago it s going amazingly i m a cashier at a retail store before this job i mainly did stocking in retail but i needed a job and they didn t have another position open everyone there is fantastic and it s fully staffed unlike a ton of other retail job i ve had i feel really comfortable already they even asked if i wanted to be a supervisor so quickly because of how well i ve taken to it a downside would be that i don t love being a cashier you re kinda chained to a little spot and have to interact with hundred of people daily but i m managing i m also used to heavy physical exercise at work which i no longer have however i adore the people at the front end and have been invited to a hangout with them i m super extroverted but i m not used to this level of constant interaction however i m well liked by staff and customer in the moment through out the day for most part i feel safe and comfortable however once i leave is a different story i ve always been an extremely anxious person cripplingly so at work i can get overwhelmed but i m always able to soothe myself i don t usually freak out though once i get off i feel a wave of anxiety i immediately feel tense driving home i had a panic attack yesterday on the drive home to the point that i wa hyperventilating i can t seem to get myself to relax i go into fight or flight then my brain will search for literally anything to be worried about covid cancer my boyfriend leaving me my physical appearance declining i end up staying up all night worrying and freaking out i can t get myself out of the thought loop i begin to feel terror and existential dread yes this happened before i worked this job but it s worse now i can t get myself back down from it why is this happening any tip to bring myself in the moment after work,Depression +11757,"I just want to start by saying, that no matter what your occupation, being depressed is **hard**. *But*, I am curious to know if others in healthcare who struggle with depression, and even suicidal ideation, does it make it even harder? Sometimes I get to the point where I literally think I do not want this anymore. I do not want to do this anymore. and I have had family tell me maybe I need to go to the ER. But I know what its like to be a person who is suicidal in the ER. I know what its like to be a depressed/suicidal person on a psych ward; and the thought of me having to go and be there myself? It terrifies me. I know it would not help me. The answer to all of the behavior health/psych consults will always be simple & cut and dry. **I do not want to live, I do not want to be here, I feel stuck and I feel like I do not belong.** there is never going to be a magical cure for that. Being a healthcare worker with depression.",Depression +11128,I have experienced some bad shit and now I cannot get it out of my head especially because of my own thoughts ugh. I wish I could erase my brain. I have had disturbing sexual thoughts all my life,Depression +47442,"Conveyor belt Anyone else feel like life is a involuntary conveyor belt of grief and boredom? We have to constantly distract and entertain ourselves or fall into a rut of despair. How many things do we do just to exist without losing our minds vs what we actually like? Know what I mean? + +I’m exhausted of breaking my back to make myself happy in an inherently unhappy and broken world. Had to get this thought out. Thanks for reading.",Depression +20509,I just got prescribed Prozac for my depression. Any one have any bad reactions to it? I am nervous about it. Medicine,Depression +12842,"How it makes you think, what it makes you feel and what it makes you do/or do not do in your life? What does depression feel like to you?",Depression +7793,"If you read the title read it once again.What I am saying below is depressing but it is not a lie.Does anyone feel like they are never living in the present, I sure do. I live my life chasing hopes and solving problems I have mostly caused myself, trying to better myself everyday and becoming someone I should be in my own mind. But there is always that thought that everything could end in a matter of seconds and I know that is very possible to happen.So that leaves me with this mission I feel I will never solve, if I am chasing all these dreams and always trying to become someone I want to be. What does that make of myself today. Would I ever be at peace in death if it were to happen today? Or would i be on my mission still, trying to become the perfect version of my self which in my head has existed many times. But yet I would always judge my own thoughts and feel like I should do 'better' even when I have reached a goal that I once visioned to be the perfect me.I chase and I chase, I feel purpose in being something more than I am every single day, I tell myself I am not happy or i will never be at peace until I fulfil these visions. But each vision I see and claim I still feel the fucking same way, one thing ends and its on to the next to fulfil myself as the last vision was nothing more than a stepping stone in my own mind. It leaves me with the question that has surfaced during every vision I have ever had and that is would I be happy if I were to die today? Or would I be worthless as I never took the steps I told myself to do. Ill be fucking honest if you have related to what I just said it can only end one way, that way I have figured out today. The way it ends is in helpless hope for happiness and fulfilment, to reach the perfect version of yourself to be someone that you have dreamt of which will only be a fragment of the life you once lived, nothing more than energy from your own mind. Nothing to anyone else, nothing to yourself. Sure as hell nothing to the future of this world. We are here because we were born to be, lead upon a life of confusion and misled instructions. To be a 'human' the only species that could ever think and do for themselves as far as we know. Alone on this world and on a mission to become a superior race. To dominate this earth to conquer our solar systems. To become gods at the end of it all as far as I know in my own head.But that will not happen for a very long fucking time, all we are today is hurdles, paths forged by our own thoughts to lead us hopefully to a blissful fairytale of immortality, where we could all live with our loved ones and remember the best times of our lives for an eternity.The problem with that is that we are never living our best times because we are chasing and chasing our better selves to bring peace. Which is ultimately pain in the end.So to end all of this my final mission is to tell all of you that life is nothing, nothing more than a figment of your mind, nothing more than fake instructions to be what you are. At the end of everything you are alone, lifeless and empty, nothing more than a past present to the future and what will the future be? The same fucking same thing.We are all here to live and die. Everything single thing along the way may bring the slightest and I mean slighted change to the future of life. The rest of it is just a delusional thought you have created to feel some sort of peace in your life until you reach the end where you hope, hope to be in a fucking dream world Knowing all this makes me feel numb, worthless and non existent and if you have related to what I just said you would feel the same. But that is very likely to be what this life is. There is nothing else along the way other than false hopes and sad endings, I am sorry for myself for having to be here and I am sorry for everyone else that is on the same ride with me. We wish we were more but that is beyond us. This is the dark truth of the world. It revolves around energy and we are just feeding it until it ends its own fate.So enjoy the ride, fulfil every hope you have and never stop doing so as I am sure it will make this easier. If you cannot stop changing yourself the world will simply do that for you. Which is being in death before you are dead. The way I feel about life. (I will warn you this post is not going to be a happy ending)",Depression +10421,"hey all, just wanted to ask if saying that I am depressed and suicidal to my mother ok? My family is shit I hate most of my brothers but I know my mom might care about me but she would be horrified that I have tried to suicide right... What should I do? I want some honest advice",Depression +27087,"I destroyed the best thing to happen to me because of my own anxiety and paranoia. Now I am trying to fix us, but it feels like we are irreversibly broken. I wish i had treated her better.",Depression +37734,another day i do not feel alive i do not feel like i matter i do feel like i am in the way and i do feel like my dream are my only escape lately i have had more anxiety or stress dream tho last one wa about the world ending and everyone rich enough could get a ticket to go on lot of huge spaceship ticket price wa low enough for my aunt and uncle to afford it left without a bother at all for me being alone it felt so strange seeing them board that ship and how little they cared the price wa like 00 000 dollar per person then added in wa pet and i have cat cat cost 00 per cat i could not afford it so i wa left alone just watching ship after ship leaving some malfunctioned and crashed it wa weird watching idk im just tired of feeling alone or abandoned even in my dream and how people dont get how much my cat matter to me they are here for me every day wish insomnia would go away too just another post from a living dead soul sorry,Depression +37763,i think i m happy i ve just went through a couple of month of sad dark feeling and thought best way i can explain it is a painful emptiness inside of me mentally for most of my life i ve always remember going through these phase it never a on or off switch it just kinda slowly engulf me one day i feel a little bit sad and it start this snowball effect after a couple of month of the constant painful emotionless feeling i keep getting the same thought of just ending myself but today i think i m happy it weird to explain but life seems a bit more vibrant music is touching me emotionally to the point i want to sing i hope today is the start of my happy phase and i really hope it last just a long i m so desperate to feel something again,Depression +38667,hi last year in matheletics i managed to bag at least top 0 but suddenly this year my playing condition have dropped because when i look at the leaderboard every time it make me more anxious and lead to bad performance in the competition now i can not even reach top 000 this ha been making me more stressed and now i even have mixed feeling to never take part in any of these competition even though it thing that i like are there any way to at least calm myself down,Depression +10012,"Fuck my life. Fuck my family. Fuck school. Fuck everything. My family literally cared nothing about me. they will probably be happy when I am gone. there is no fucking way they will cry when I am gone judging of the way they treated me. All of my older siblings are going to decent universities and a job. My parents expect the same from me to excel in everything which I am incapable of.Because of this, I became uninterested in school and my grades becoming lower and rarely go to school. Some of the teachers probably hate me because of the way I behave. At least in school I have some close friends.I have attempted suicide multiple times and all of them fails. Probably because of I actually do not want to die. I just want to have a normal lifestyle and be happy like others. I just want to not have this thoughts out ifnmy head. Even if I am happy a bit, this thoughts eventually come back.I am only 16 years old now. I did reach some help but none was successful. I told the teachers that I trust at school. I even did tell my own family but they just brush it off.Maybe I am just going to die I am literally cannot think of nothing else other than killing myself for the last 4 years",Depression +15640,"I have had everything I ever asked for twice and still I was unhappy and ungrateful. I am not the suicidal depressed more the laugh at myself and life sucks let us get on with it kind of depressed. I have a daughter with an incredible woman who I kind of broke many years ago, I left her when she needed me most. It tore her apart and 5 years later I am back with her but she only looks like that woman. She is not the same person and I am a twat for thinking she would be. The other time I got what I asked for was another woman, she was hands down the best person I had ever met. She could see I was just an emotionless void but my god she loved me, she wanted to spend her life with me, get a house, marriage etc. She was beautiful too but I just could not appreciate her for who she was. She begged and begged for me to stay as she loved me more than anything else. Threw her away and got back with the mother of my daughter. I warned the second woman many many times I am not a good person many times but she would not accept it and even after all this I do not think she is changed her opinion. Depression is horrible, not for what it can do to you but what it can do to others. Either life would have made me happy yet both times I have chucked it away. I know to many my complaints are trivial. Some of you guys have it so so much worse but guess that void just hits no matter how good your life can be. One day I will probably look back on this post and laugh but until that time I needed this. Just need it off my chest I suppose.",Depression +21508,I have got 8 cans of red bull and six cans of beer and cigarettes and a bottle of sleeping pills I am going to do all of them and I am going to fuck up my body to the point of no return I think tonight is going to be the night,Depression +21474,I just want to be out of this cruel world. that is all I wanted to say. Just get me out of here.,Depression +7180,"Long story short I could not manage life very well with work and 2 kids and financial pressures and both me and my wife being depressed at the same time and things have come to an end pretty much but now that she is being even less supportive than before due to not having to be anymore I am finding everything harder and harder as each day goes by and the stress is mounting up and the depression is getting worse and worse and I am failing at all the little things that I was doing right at one point, in desperate need to talk, cuddle, confide in my wife but she is not available anymore, I have friends but they are not able to give me what I need. Therapy is too long between sessions and I am just very sad now. Not asking for help as there is nothing anyone can do for me, this is all on me to fix, just venting some pressure do not know how to do life, fucked up my marriage, now more depressed than ever and spiralling not knowing where to start",Depression +39374,i ve been having anxiety and i m wondering if my sternum hurting is a part of it,Depression +12989,"I need help. I need a lot of help. A lot of financial help too. Thing is, the financial stuff, it is temporary. I know I will be fine the end of August/beginning of September. I do not think I can hold out that long though. So I am saying my goodbyes. I wish it did not have to end this way, over money. But I have tried everything. I sold everything. I do not have anything left to sell. I do not even have food to eat. I tried loans, credit is trash because of ex/identity theft. I do not have anyone to ask for help. Well, I thought I did, but they were just like, wow that is rough. Cool.. I only helped you when you needed it but that is fine. Here we are. Reddit gets a lot of hate but it is helped me. I enjoyed it. I am sorry it ends this way. I have been saying goodbye to people",Depression +19877,"All I see on social media is attractive people being popular, going to parties and having relationships. It feels like the only way to be semi-popular nowadays if you are not extremely attractive is to be funny, and I even fail at that for the most part. The amount of boring one-dimensional yet attractive people I see having big social groups and having relationships is so disheartening and makes it feel pointless to even try. I know I will never amount to much in life since everything falls back to your social hierarchy, and I failed that the second I was born with my hideous face. Why is it that everywhere I look, its mainly attractive people who seem happy and have friends?",Depression +25268,"Finally saw a prescribing psych today.I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar.I hope this goes well. Only time will tell right?Wish me luck!Stay as strong as you can. I am with you. Starting Meds",Depression +10440,"Recently I have started this internship and moved to this really amazing city, an opportunity I have been waiting for one and a half year but unfortunately for me, I absolutely hate the work that I have to do. Ironically from a general point of view it is really not awful and while I am fully aware of it, it still everyday kills me a little more. However this internship was my way-out ticket from last year which was one of the worst years of my life. we have got sent home from uni, my 3rd and last study year became online and I do not think I have ever encountered so much loneliness, isolation and dullness like I did during the pandemic in my life. Besides work and work again though on my 2 days off I either read or stay in my hotel room. Have got absolutely no one to do anything with. Go out, hang-out, eat or explore the city and doing all these things by myself just makes me feel even more alone than I am so it seems like that is it. that is where my life stops. And I am stuck. Because even though I feel like I cannot stay here any much longer I know for sure I can not go back home. Because as little as I have here, I literally do not have anything back home. No friends, no group, no social life absolutely nothing. And that makes me feel like I am completely missing out on life, at 23 when I should be living my best years, gain all these experiences and feel young, I feel old and tired and absolutely broken inside. I just can not fathom why seemingly I can not have a more active life. what is painful is that I am someone to who being active and friendships count a lot and yet no matter what I try or where I end up, it is always the same pathetic record - me being so on my own and never having friends ever since I have graduated high-school. I honestly just do not know what to do anymore. Where to go or what to follow but this can not be it. it is exhausting feeling and living this way. Doing and having nothing and holding back crying almost every day. A huge part of why I am so unhappy that is probably even more excruciating is the fact that I am not able to do what I am really passionate about professionally. The school I ended up going to was a plan B. I have chosen it after already dropping out of another one and deep down even though I was hopeful I have knew I would probably end up here. that is the thing about plan B's is not it? I think that is exactly the reason why I am so lost and cannot seem to find my place in this world. I have tried so many different things and they all were such a clear reminder that I know I am on the wrong path and that my biggest issue starts from there. I have grown up with an immense love and fascination for film and I do not think there is anything that I would want to do more than film-making. Unfortunately in my home-country there is no school or even an industry for that and abroad I just simply can not afford to study. it is literally the only thing I know in my bones I would be good at. it is hard to explain but I just feel it. What I am having a hard time with is understanding why is that my so-called professional call if that is literally the only thing I would want to do, but cannot. It consumes me how much I would want to at least be able to try to do something about it but cannot. And accepting whatever's left instead just kills me and clearly even though I have tried and am still trying even these days is not a healthy option. Lastly I just want to quickly mention that for some reason even though I love reading, books make me feel even worse. I have been reading a lot of YA and they all depict a reality I would like to find myself in. All the laughs, all the friends, all the parties and crushes are exactly the elements I am missing and have always been missing from my life. And this is exactly why I feel like I do not belong. I feel things differently. Maybe I just feel more. People nowadays are so shallow and to me valuing things, being genuine and having genuine connections is still so important. I have got so much life in me and things I would want to do, places I would want to visit but here I am. Maybe I am just delusional, maybe I have high-functioning depression, I have been thinking about therapy a lot but I just know that it is not going to magically give me neither friends nor the career and life I would like to have. I just feel like I am not right for this world, I honestly do and even though I am not suicidal and I would never do anything to harm myself death seems like such an easy way out. As if tomorrow I would be told I have a terminal disease it would give me a twisted purpose because for the first time in my life I would know where everything is headed to. This one and a half year for some reason I can not begin to tell you how much I have thought of that. Anyhow, thank you a lot for taking time to read this if you got to this point any advice is much appreciated! I think I am never actually going to have a life or find my place in this world",Depression +25790,"Why do i always fuck up, guys cannot do anything right",Depression +14881,"it feels like I am trapped behind my eyes instead of actually living, every day when i wake up i get a rush of every horrible thing on my mind and i just want to stay unconscious for the whole day. going to sleep is my favorite part of the day. i literally cannot feel any emotion either I am only 17 and after my last relationship about a year ago i think i just shut my emotions off somehow I am so scared to get attached to people that ill be so emotionally distant and end up manipulating them without even realizing it at first. i get in relationships with people and feel absolutely nothing. everyday its like the hours just go back so fast but so slow and i cannot even remember what i did that day because i feel like I have been living in a fog for years. its gotten to the point ill do any drugs to not feel this numb blank feeling that i have, I have actually thought i was a sociopath or something because of how distant i am with my emotions and especially other peoples- but i care for people so much i just cannot FEEL i do not know if that makes sense but i cannot live like this anymore i cannot feel anything anymore",Depression +39113,been a stressful few week dealing with my college that overcharged me and now won t help me with getting the money back bank lost the check i asked the college if they could cancel the check and refund the money to my bank account but the lady who answered the phone at the college blamed me for not knowing what a check is and said that s my problem hence i had to keep calling the bank again and again w no answer to rectify the situation when they did pick up the bank blamed me for not notifying them that the check wa from the college i showed the bank the letter from my college in person so they should know the full situation and even told her to track the check number and amount but she said it couldn t be done but when i called the hotline they were able to do it idk why but this stressful situation ha made my anxiety skyrocket to an all time high i keep thinking someone will blow up at me and call me stupid i grew up with a father with an explosive temper who would curse you out for 0 minute for spilling water and wouldn t hesitate with getting physical i know this doesn t make sense but i feel like someone is going to blow up at me and i would be powerless to stop it i feel like everyone who i dealt with actually hate me and my heart won t stop beating so fast and i feel nauseated all the time i wa cry in bed last night because of how stressful this whole situation wa i know other people have been through worse and i m sorry for posting this but this anxiety and all the bad thought is really taking a toll on me please i really hope someone know how to deal with this,Depression +23020,"I am not sure if the NSFW tag is needed but just in case this is sensitive I put it on.so this is basically since I have started uni I have been constantly down and for some reason, I cannot seem to bring myself to appreciate positive things even though in my head I know I should, but I do not know if its due to some kind of depression or due to my pretty unhealthy habits (caffeine and all-nighters mostly). Almost all of my friends say that I probably am depressed but while I do trust their opinions they do seem to over-assume when talking about me which I think is because of me over-exaggerating but I do not know I will not take any responses as a diagnosis or anything but I would like to hear from some people who know the difference between clinical depression and just being down.&#x200B;thanks in advance. \[: how do you REALLY know if you are depressed?",Depression +18625,"I am too ugly for dating apps. I am also too ugly to meet women in irl and have a relationship with them. I just feel like I was born to be alone. I feel like I was fucked and was just born to suffer. I wish I could just snap out of this mentality, but years of feeling like an ugly pos has made me this way. I have tried working out and therapy, but none of this shit is working. Too ugly for any woman to fall in love with me",Depression +39029,i ve been in therapy a few month cbt he mostly just advises me to try to stay in the present and mediate at first it seemed to help a little but the larger issue i have won t stop bothering me i make good money and i m not bad looking at all but i have basically zero friend and i haven t been on a date in over 0 year im and i ve been thinking about suicide a lot but i obviously can t tell my therapist or he ll get me emergency petitioned im really not sure what to do my anxiety and depression just seems to keep getting worse i can barely get myself to eat most day let alone exercise or try to talk to someone,Depression +22197,"I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in the summer of 2019. I have been depressed for much longer, I first tried to kill myself in 8th grade by bleeding to death. I did not get very far. My parents, who were abusive, did not care. I left them my senior year. Went to college, dropped out due to depression and suicidal ideation. 2020 I attempted suicide twice, one by overdose another by fire arm. Started animation school. Got my first apartment. I still have Major Depressive Disorder. I am not suicidal ATM but life just does not feel worth living. All I can manage to do is get up, go to work, and sleep. Even eating is difficult. I am tired. Life does not feel like anything anymore",Depression +38769,anyone ever had a delayed response to an anxiety inducing event like even when you were having anxiety during the event i had something super duper stressful happen on sunday and last night i wa horribly nauseous all night long and my fianc think it wa a delayed response to what happened on sunday any insight,Depression +11754,"My main issue as an HSP is that life is always extremely overwhelming, I can never fully relax and make good decisions because of stress, and I just suck up on every tiny bit of negativity around me. it is so frustrating and I feel like whatever I try only have temporary results. I might have cPTSD though, so that does not make it any easier either... I feel like I am the most sensitive person on the planet and that no one is on my level...Does anyone here feel similar? Would love to have anyone to relate to... Are there any HSPs (Highly sensitive person) here? How do you cope with depression?",Depression +40549,it s true i truly love jessicabardot she wa there for me during a dark time and i appreciate her so much for being there during my depression one of the most loveliest lady http t co tjstwmyr v,Depression +19434,that is all i wanted to say lol I am not happy,Depression +7865,"I am trying to get back to normal. I am trying to get out of bed. I am trying to be happy. I am trying to find another point of view besides feeling disappointed when I wake up the next morning. I am trying to stop hating every second of this pitiful excuse of a life. I understand you are tired of hearing that I am trying. But if I do not try |one more time| then Id have nothing left keeping me here. I am out of reasons to keep me here. I feel like I am caped in this hollow body of a girl I used to remember. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded just how broken I am. I see her face and remember how happy she used to be. I remember how full of life she was. She was a ray of light and sunshine, and I am reminded how dark and empty her eyes now are. Her sleepless nights are leaving their trail under her eyes. The loss of appetite has diminished her wardrobe, all the clothes she used to love to wear- now fall off her body. I am reminded she is empty and the walls are caving in. The walls in this body get smaller and smaller I cannot breath, I feel like I am suffocating and no one even understands. I am right here dying slowly and you cannot even see. This is a torturous cycle and I do not think I can try anymore. I am so tired. I am Trying",Depression +11557,"Everything I do is an attempt to fail. Even when I do something to occupy myself to stop thinking and being in action, even if it is not an important thing, I fuck it up. that is why I have stopped trying a long time ago. Failure is something I am used to, but since it happens to me all the time, it makes me more furious every time. it is like I am no good in anything. A fucking useless piece of shit. But now that I suck at simple hobbies like repainting a chair. Yo I am done. It makes me so mad. How could I be positive minded if I am a shit in everything. Jesus. I am unhappy doing nothing and I am unhappy doing things because I fail instantly. What is left to do now ? I am a fuckup",Depression +7767,I think I hide my depression too well to the point where my own therapist thinks I am not. I never talk about how I really feel because I just do not have the guts to tell anyone in depth. Posting here is kind of my last resort I am not really sure what to do. Or I know what to do I just do not know how to get myself to do it. I hide my depression too well and my therapist thinks I am okay,Depression +22083,"I am starting to believe that I deserve to die just for being me. All my life, I was not the best kid growing up and everyone hated me because I am on the autism spectrum. I was immature, a brat, had anger issues, and was very hyper and did not fit in with hardly anyone. Now my past keeps trolling me and I am always sad because everyone still hates me. So maybe I do deserve to die I do not know what to believe anymore",Depression +11140,"tw: suicidal thoughts and drug usea couple nights ago, i was on lsd just to have a bit of an exploration and have some fun. my trip was fine for the most part but towards the end of the night, I was just lying in bed, face down into my pillow, and my mind made me feel as if I was dying. it was as if i was given a choice to just pass away and in the (seemingly) final moments, i thought about loved ones and people who loved me and all the happy and good things i had going in life. despite the fact that i knew i had so much to live for, i chose to let go. i think i just went to sleep so i woke up a couple minutes after. instead of feeling relieved that i did not die, i was extremely overwhelmed by the fact that i had chosen to willingly let go, and also by the fact that i did not actually pass away. i just cried for awhile, for multiple reasons. i feel guilty for what happened but i also feel a range of other emotions. i know what i need to do (seek help again) and i wanted to tell my bf and close friends about this but i just could not bear the thought of worrying them about what happened so i came here to vent a bit. tldr; used lsd and confronted the severity of the suicidal thoughts periodically come and go need to vent a bit/hear some thoughts",Depression +38412,i think the worst part of dealing with all of this is the absolute constant feeling of loneliness having no connection to anyone many act like they want to help but a soon a they see how deep and dark it is they back off my phone stay pretty silent unless someone need something,Depression +38250,i m on this team project and the project manager is super toxic i constantly feel like i am a burden and that i have to pretend to be working every morning there is stand up and i have a mental breakdown because i haven t done anything i have started seeing my therapist again but i just don t know what to do about this i honestly feel like i have to quit my job but i don t have another job i am totally screwed with no way out,Depression +41472,among child in ohc 9 diagnosed with psych neurodev disorder compared with 0 among those never in ohc the most common disorder among child in ohc were depression anxiety disorder neurodev disorder oppositional defiant disorder conduct disorder odd cd,Depression +40417,y male so for the last couple of year i ve been sad depressed at first not too bad like just gloomy but progressively stronger but maybe for the last maybe year to year and a half it s gotten pretty dark everything seems meaningless for a little back ground i m in a very healthy relationship my relationship with my parent wa pretty good for the most part up until recently but everything s o k just regular petty thing i grew up an only child spent allot of time alone parent worked day allot love them for it so i ve gotten pretty good at hiding most of anything that s going on all smile and small talk but recently i get this deep deep sadness it almost feel like i m in a vast dark room by myself screaming but it s silent and then i think of a bliss darkness like if only i could keep my eye shut it ll all go away when i feel like this i hide in a dark room usually cry i don t really know why i didn t proof read this i ve never told any one these thing and i feel like if i read it back i m gon na back out and erase it so sorry if it s all messed up,Depression +7821,"I have a close friend who is chronically depressed, and says he does not want to be alive. However he refuses to see anyone for counseling or treatment. Any suggestions for how I can get him to accept help and see a professional? Suggestions for getting someone to accept help?",Depression +47985,Just wanna go to bed and not wake up Been fighting for 8 years. I’m fucking tired of getting treatment that does jack shit. Fucking tired of being a 200lb burden to my parents. I’m just fucking sick of trying to get help only for it to lead to me getting worse. I just wanna put a 12 gauge slug into my heart. I’m fucking tired of being so goddamn paranoid all the time about if the people closest to me r joking. I’m fucking tired of my deppression being a reason that romantic relationships end. I’m fucking hate not remembering what I was like before this shit got me. I’m fucking tired of being alive I’m just gonna end it all tonight everything I’ve tried had ended in me getting worse and I’ve tried everything,Depression +14741,"Who knows who was the first person who thought giving another some piece of paper in exchange for something else was a good idea. What value did they see in that?These papers and coins known as ""money"" changed completely the way the world works. If you have it, you can cover some or all of your basic needs. But if you have none at all, you either live miserably or die.You want a place to stay? Pay.You want clothing? Pay.Feel hungry, thirsty, sick? Pay.People say money is something you get as a reward for your efforts. But seems like it is the only reward that matters.Doctors do not save people because they care for their patients. it is because they are getting paid. The satisfaction of seeing their patients healthy and happy is not enough.If youtubers did not get paid for making videos, half of them would not even be recognised.Singers do not sing because seeing their fans enjoying their music brings them happiness or satisfaction.Cooks make food to get paid, and with that pay they buy their own food, and the money they spent is later given to someone else, then someone more, and it is a never ending cycle.Very few do stuff because they actually like what they do, or because they want to because a positive impact on others, and they do not expect anything in exchange.But no one can really live like this because it is simply how the world turned out to be. You need money to live whether you like it or not. Which is one of the reasons why some people are forced to do some of the most horrible things in order to get it.Why could not everyone have the same opportunities? Why is money the only reward you can get for your efforts? Since when did money matter more than yours or others' happiness? Basically, your life depends on these pieces of paper called ""money""",Depression +47677,Feeling like a failure I feel like my life is falling apart. My relationship just ended and my belongings are stranded in that persons house. I just left a job that I loved as I had no future there. I have literally no money. My meds are completely not working and the new stuff I tried made me sick and wanting to hurt myself. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t pull myself up.,Depression +47512,Got diagnosed with depression today Wtf am I supposed to do now?,Depression +8805,"Ita becoming a problem, large tips, paying for meals. The second someone is nice to me I feel like I owe them for making me feel good. I recently made 3 friends this way but then immediately left because I was taking up their time. Not sure how to get out of this headspace, but I do like people being happy. I keep buying things for strangers",Depression +22368,"Forgetting stuff. Yeah, mostly because I am so indifferent of what is happening around me. I think it is a common symptom. How do you guys deal with it? I am making a lot of mistakes",Depression +10493,I was in shock especially because hes seen me have so many highs and lows since we have been dating. I told him we need to talk about this tomorrow because I am at a loss for words Partner of almost a year just said he thinks that once you take medication for depression you are cured,Depression +23100,"I cannot enjoy anything, cannot focus on anything, I cannot get rid of rumination and overthinking, I cannot do anything productive. How to deal with these? doctor prescribed me Zoloft but I am scared to take it, should I take it? will it help? I am scared of side effects cannot enjoy anything, cannot focus, cannot get rid of overthinking and rumination",Depression +18065,"Why is everything so darn heavy, even the air I breathe. Sleep seems to be the only escape now and even that is iffy. How does one cope..Music has lost its appeal, I am isolating myself even though people keep reaching out, food is a distraction and once that is done... SleepI keep hoping I would somehow not wake up.. just sleep.How does one deal with this sort of weight day in and day out I am so tired of waking up every morning",Depression +40290,snapchat layla kuz,Depression +47230,"Are we Supportive or destructive Throwaway because the people in this post have reddit accounts. I (28F) am married to a wonderful man (32M) let’s call him Mark. We have been married for 7 years now and I grew very close to his family as they live in the same city as us while my family is in another country. + +His brother Maison (30M) and I grew very close and we have a great friendship, laughing together, talking about life, etc… as time went by I started noticing that i was being supportive and there for him and the opposite isnt true. + +Now for a little backstory, Maison went through a very tough phase in his life and got depressed and suicidal, he went to therapy and started getting back on his feet again but he was never the same. This happened 3 years ago and after that experience he became very self-centered, inconsiderate yet very sensitive and also does not accept any type of criticism. He literally turned to a manchild. Only wants to game all day, doesnt help the people around him, is very dependent even in the smallest things. Mark is always walking on eggshells around him for this reason because he is scared that he would say / do anything that will cause Maison to relapse into depression. + +I on the other hand am a little tougher on Maison. I sometimes feel like his family not saying anything when he is rude or acting like a child because they are afraid to hurt his feelings are turning him into a very immature and irresponsible man who is never held accountable. + +He moved in to live with us temporarily to save some rent money till he gets his life together. He adopted a dog, and let her go because he didnt train her properly and she became aggressive with separation anxiety. Then he adopted another dog and the same thing happened again and he let him go. He wants so many things in his life but wouldnt want to put the hard work or the responsibility. + +My question is, should we go easy on him because of his mental health? Or is going easy on him will make his life harder later because he will get used to life without any responsibility or accountability?",Depression +14118,massive trigger warning for suicidejust got drunk and swallowed all my pills. i was going to doit tonight but i could not wait. but then i puked it all back up. and now i do not know what to do. i have nothing else i just failed my own suicide attempt,Depression +23166,"Lately I have noticed I have very little emotional reaction to anything. This has been a sort of on and off thing for as long as I can remember, but it has been lasting for a while this time. I do not really know how to describe it, it is not like I am sad, or like I never feel happy, sometimes I do, but most of the time I do not really feel anything. I spend a lot of my days watching YouTube or grinding out my summer class. At night I wach anime or movies, this is mostly when I have the most feelings, if I am watching something good at creating them in me. This is kind of rambling but I have been like this before, and then I have periods where I do not feel like this at all and a mostly normal. I honestly do not really think this is depression, But it seems similar to what other people have written about depression so I figured I might as well ask. I will occasionly have very vivid thoughts about killing myself, I have no desire to ever do that, but more and more I think about it constantly. I also will have the num feeling interrupted by random directionless anger sometimes. I do not know what triggers this. Anyway, dose this seem like depression to anyone here, and if so, what can I do about it? I tend to perfure the periods in my life where I have more feelings. Do I Have Depression",Depression +20025,"Does anyone else get the feeling that there is someone else living inside them? I feel like my brain is not me half the time and that it is someone else, in these moments I feel as if I cannot control my thoughts and actions, like there is someone else controlling me.I feel like I have lost myself as a person and that I am trying to be someone I am not. My mind is so focused on being part of one aesthetic, that I cannot like anything except the things that fall into that category. I am always comparing myself to other people and asking myself why I am not exactly like them, then I try to replicate myself to be exactly like that person. I feel so lost in this body of mine.I am so sick of the amount of anxiety I have been feeling lately, I feel it everyday and sometimes all I have to do is think about something and it will make me anxious. it is gotten so much worse as I have gotten older and I just want this to end. I need to vent",Depression +10003,"My dad always says it is all about perspective. We all have our windows through which we see the world, and our reality is how we chose to perceive it. Sometimes, even the most complex problem just requires a shift in perspective, or a view through another person's window, before it can be solved with ease.I have given up on life. I am not quite sure how to describe it, I guess it is just one of those things you know, like when you are in love, when you are hungry or just need the loo. I suppose the symptoms are easily identifiable: apathy, melancholy, depression, fatigue, lethargy, etc, but there is a less-medical term that I think describes it better: my light has gone out.Who I am does not really matter, though for completeness's sake my executive summary details are: 21 Male, 2nd Year Engineering student from South Africa, caucasian with Danish and English ancestry, single, always have been, probably on the spectrum, no friends anymore.I have buried my best and closest friend, and another four friends over the past five years. I have been wrongfully accused of a crime that I never committed, which took the system a year of intimidation, court rooms and sever depression and anxiety to determine that she had made it all up. I have been a victim of extortion, blackmail and cybercrimes, involving intimidation, fear and had no one to talk to. I am the eldest of three, and the eldest of my family's generation and link that keeps my stressed-out family together. I have felt the feeling of loving another, but never the feeling of it being mutual. I was once a happy child in a happy house with a dream of changing the world, and the aptitude to do it. But today, I do not see the point of it all. My friends are dead, the person I am in love with, and the only person I have every loved, does not feel the same way. I have horrors tormenting me each night that I cannot tell anyone about, I am half way through second year and I have only been on campus for four weeks before lockdown, I do not have much money, I have lost focus on studies altogether and I am only 21 years old.Perspective. The only thing my sorry engineering mind could come up with was getting a different perspective on things, and maybe, just maybe I might find a path that will lead me to, well, enlightenment (i.e. to get the light back).You obviously do not know me from a bar of soap, but maybe I need impersonal advice, I do not know. As the title suggests, despite living in the tech world since before I could walk, this is my first and only online post. I am a shy person who is got nowhere to go and looking for some guidance.Thanks My first and only online post. I think I may be giving up on life, but looking for a reason not to.",Depression +15357,I am just exhausted with it all. I have been through multiple therapists and psychiatrists and i still feel like shit. i just cannot change. all the solutions are right in front of me and I am unable to find them and i hate myself for it. I am just slowly rotting away. I am fucking exhausted of feeling like shit and hating myself. I am so fucking sick of it all I am so fucking unhappy with life,Depression +19403,"People just use me to their end and then completely disregard me when it suits them. I either make people feel insecure or just uncomfortable or I am just annoying or cold. Either way I have never felt so alone in my entire life. All these good things happening with my career and yet I have no one to share in the joy, no one to live life with, take a walk with, build a life together. No one. Nothing. Not even real friends any more. I can sense it in how people talk to me. They do not want me around. it is clearly my fault but I do not know why and I do not know what to do. I genuinely think no one likes me",Depression +16184,"I hate people like that who mock people who just want to be happy, i hate that i can get this easily emotionally controlled by people like this, its like my brain knows that they know better than me and they are saying the truth I like to smile when I am around people but there are people who think its weird",Depression +47599,"Help me :( I’m 19 and I’m fucked. I’ve had a really bad drinking problem for over a year, I smoke a lot of weed and I have cut myself before. I’m on holidays with my girlfriend and can’t be happy. I haven’t smoked in weeks and it’s killing me, my drinking is just as bad up here except I’m trying to hide it. I haven’t drank in 2 days and I’m struggling. My best friend/cousin died 2 years ago and I can’t start to get over it, I have massive retroactive jealousy and I hate it and I hate myself even more for it. I’ve been bullied by family and friends and colleagues/peers since primary school. I’ve never fit in or had friends anywhere, every time I think I do they turn their backs and leave me. My dad hates me and doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead and my mum is depressed and I can’t help her. Everything I do in my life is just mediocre and meaningless, I can’t be good at anything. I have terrible luck wherever I go and whatever I do. I’m so over feeling like this and being so fucking sad. I can’t get over my addictions and I can’t feel any better with anything, I’m fucking over it and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.",Depression +8674,"I am 21 and I have started feeling that I have not done anything in my life. I wanted to party with my friends, do the late night road trips and stuff with them but my parents are too possessive about me and hardly allow me to socialize with my friends. And now I am 21 thinking that only 1 more year left to end my college/university days and then I will be doing some 9-5 job somewhere.. Everyone else will be busy in their life.. And when I am free to take my own decisions I will be burdened with responsibilities already.. What should I do?",Depression +25439,"I blame my weight. If I was not so repulsive to look at, maybe Id stand a chance. I am not saying that all fat people are repulsive. I just hate my body.As a 55 woman who weights (at least) 16 stone, I feel undeserving of love and happiness. I do not eat more than 1,000 calories a day. I refuse to, for fear that Ill gain weight. I am also fairly active. If I am feeling really fat, Ill starve myself for as long as I can handle during the day. Then Ill binge eat whatever shit I can find at night.To make things worse, I suffer from PCOS along with a few mental health conditions.I am sorry for not being enough for you. Nobody wants to date me. [22F]",Depression +19450,"My Psychological Health has been going rapidly down latly.The worst part is that I notice how my toughts get darker and more controversial, like racism, sexism, etc.I was once in Therapy, did not quite work, I might be too stubborn and value therapist too little.Its summer time where I live, everyone is on vacation or having fun in the Sun. While I isolate myself even harder and start to chain smoke just to pass the time, even though the whole covid story is pretty much over.I am currently learing to drive, it is not going too well. I feel so anxious even tho I have nothing to loose.I want nothing more then death, however I believe that I will never actually do it. I will probebly get quite old with a lots of regrets and bad memories.Sometimes I am thinking about Evolution and Destiny. How do we humans evolve? I keep asking myself how our Genetics get filtered. No matter how much of a piece of shit you are, somewhere out there is someone just as shitty as you waiting to start a family with you. To let the bad genetics live and multiply. For lives that are not worth anything. I believe that the only way we evolve is through death. Dying of the weak. Either you are stupid/unlucky and die in an accident or have courage to kill yourself if you notice that your bloodline is unworthy. I feel or rather know that my bloodline is unworthy, that it needs to pass away. But I lack the courage to kill myself and have enough luck and fear for my live to not die in an accident. But at the same time I fear growing old and the ""breeding instincts"" kicking in for me to have the sudden urge to have a family in my 30ths. I do not want kids. This life is not worth it. I should never put another soul through a life like this.But at the same time I should be happy. For Food,Shelter,Warmth,Health,Finicial Stability, a somewhat good goverment. All these things I take for granted. Still I am just always sad,unmotivated,pessimistic.I do not deserve all these materialistic things. I do not value them at all.I do not really know why I wrote all of this. it is late and I need to vent. This post will not change anything. Nothing will. I do not know what to do.",Depression +7545,I am tired of constantly getting in the way and I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like I get pushed around but I am too scared to try and stand up for myself. If I could just disappear for a bit people could get on with their lives without me interrupting them. I am tired of constantly getting in the way.,Depression +9496,"This week, I was dealing with depression and anxiety, and I was on YouTube when I came across this guy. he is talking about life, mental health, politics, and other topics. I love how he is so open and honest about things that no one else has ever talked about..and this shit brings me so much relief and makes me realize how life works..maybe this will help you as well. Good luck m8 I am not sure who wants to hear that...but SNEAKO is a fucking legend.",Depression +14340,"Everyday is a challenge anymore. Used to wake up ready and excited for what the day would bring. Now its how will I handle today? , will I cry? Will I breakdown to someone ? Can I just figure out how to sleep more without drugs? Am I ever going to be able to overcome?",Depression +19368,i just had a really bad crying session i think something happened in my head because for the past few hours I am just void of emotion. this has only happened to me once before back in 2016 when my depression was really bad and it was the worst thing ever and took ages to go away. fuck i just want to die its so unfair that i have family and friends that would be hurt if i did its literally the only reason i do not emotionless,Depression +9566,"Hello everyone. I am new to this group. I am 19 in UK and I have been dealing with depression alot. I was first diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety and depression a few years ago. And I have recently just come out of an 8 month relationship. I use to lean on her a lot for support for my mental health and now she is gone I am kind of stuck. I do not really have anyone to talk to through out my day. I have my mum she is my best friend but Id like to have someone I can make friends with and i can just make general conversation with. My lifes just a constant up and down spiral. If anyone has any advice for me please let me know. And go easy on me lol. Any advice to get over a break up too would be appreciated. Thanks very much. Need someone to talk to",Depression +12898,"I am so sorry she went through what she did. I was I could just give her a hug. So many people failed her, did not protect her when they had an obligation to. How do you forgive those people for hurting an innocent child My inner child is so hurt",Depression +38663,everyday is so hard i feel like everyone is fake and everybody think i m stupid or weirdo i ve been bullied alot mainly because i m quiet introvert what people use against me and abuse me feel like every friend or relative think i m nothing i m a failure just stupid it s so hard to live with myself,Depression +17646,To start off I used to be a really fucking depressing person where I always selfharm and thought about suicide. Around 6 months ago I met my amazing bf who is truly a catch but hes been making me really sad lately. When we started dating I was so happy and felt like I was in a romantic movie until things started happening. Each time something went wrong with us I started getting more and more depressed which I try not showing. I am getting to the point of cutting and maybe suicide. I do not feel like I am enough and since I am a drop out and do not have anything that I am currently doing with my life what is the point even living for someone who does not respect the boundaries or even respect me. I know people would say break up with him but I cannot I am too in love and if I do I really feel like Ill have nothing to live for. He has not cheated on me if some of you are wondering its just other things that Ill rather not share I am starting to go though what I did before..,Depression +40709,menochronic blamethehormone thismorning carolynharris drlouisenewson i am so sorry you went through that with your daughter i spent year being treated for anorexia depression anxiety self harm eupd until eventually being diagnosed with pmdd in 0 even once diagnosed i spent a year in a psych unit to support me until i got surgery,Depression +10085,my mom accused me of stealing her drugs again and it makes me so upset because i have not and i do not know why i had to get such a fucked up family and narcissistic mom. I am crying in the bathroom and i can hear her in my room going through my stuff and I am so sick of dealing with this stuff. she just was all nice and asked if i wanted to watch a movie like 10 min ago and now she is mad again. i feel like ill never be able to get out and do what i want to do with my life so what is the point. there is nothing for me. i just wish someone would see how I am doing and help or something but i know that no one will. i feel so stupid and i know ill delete this later I am so sick of this i cannot do it,Depression +22022,"Had a big bad, deep spiral this week capping out on having someone close to me spending the night last night because they were so afraid I would hurt myself. it is the day after and I am trying to find something to do to pull me back up and out. Does anyone have tips or techniques for pulling up your mood/activity levels when coming out of a spiral? Maybe this is too vague and freaky I just need to put out there that this happened and I fully was on a spiral. So weird that a mental health crisis is basically a hidden health crisis. If I was seriously physically sick I could tell people, take off work etc. Instead of hiding it. what is Something You Use to Bring Yourself Out of a Spiral?",Depression +12584,My aunt did a form of Persian palm reading on my hands and told me that Id have no lasting love or relationship in my lifetime. I am depressed not because of that but its funny because if I was neurotypical Id probably lose more sleep over that event. Now even if its true for me I shrug it off since I am too depressed to even prioritize that connection Anyways thanks for listening Its all just a simulation anyways When I was 10,Depression +19700,"I have no friends, no hobbies, no clear goal in life and I feel myself getting worse every day. This is not even worth it. I have nothing to live for",Depression +38560,anyone else just done i m at a point in life where nothing is going bad and i understand i m blessed to be in such position but at the same time nothing going good my friend group have dissipated i rarely hang out with people everyday is just a repeat of the last what do i do it s getting lonely,Depression +16752,"I just want to jump straight into the point. I always end up as the person that is emotionally available for everyone. Whenever someone is feeling sad I am there for them , whenever they want a shoulder to cry on I am there for them. I am always the one asking people how is their life etc. while I do not have anyone asking me nothing.I could literally die tomorrow , and no one would notice anything for a good month or 2. My friends just do not bother asking about me or talking to me its always me who starts the talks and who asks about them. it just hurts that the effort is not mutual and is not appreciated. Am I just a bad person ? or am I just a selfish brat that wants people to care about him. I just cannot do this anymore , I feel alone in this world , and it is killing me slowly. Am I a bad person?",Depression +8582,"Every fucking time I have got an episode I try to excuse my actions in the most stupid of ways, which only makes the episode wost and broadens the problem by me worrying to goddam much about it. I am not going to kill myself but I need a way out, talking is not going to work because the only I can talk to about this just is weird to talk about, maily because she is the one I excused myself to in the most stupid of eays, by just saying ""sorry if I am to much"". I just fucking cannot. I do not fucking know anymore",Depression +38704,i ve been feeling anxious and stressed out lately which usually cause me to have chest and pain in the middle of my back now i looked up my symptom on google i know i know big mistake and apparently my symptom mostly align with a condition called stable angina this condition can lead to unstable angina which can be fatal i ve gotten at least ekg done in the past month or so and they have all been normal but i m still scared that maybe my body just can t handle stress and is slowly shutting down i don t know ha anyone else here experienced anything like this,Depression +40273,i m m turning in december and i can t help but feel like my time is quickly running out i ve never been so emotionally distant from my family a i ve had this year and it feel like i m a disappointment to everyone who ha actually cared about me at some point i actually had a sort of future ahead of me but it blew up in my fucking face when i had decided to write a joke essay to the high school i wanted to go to after my mom wouldn t even allow me to go if i wa even accepted the worst part is she doesn t even admit to doing that i don t know what to do anymore i ve always had the feeling of wanting to blow my fucking brain out but i ve never felt it a strong a this why is it that when it come to mental issue for men we are throughly ignored why are you upset why are you depressed you don t have a reason to be depressed you should talk to someone but who is actually listening i m sorry for anyone who actually read this but i ve been in such a terrible mindset the past odd hour i really just need guidance it feel awful to think that inevitably all my family will be gone and i ll be the only one to fend for myself in just a handful of year and somehow in any social circumstance i always end up being the butt end of the joke i don t want to keep doing this for 0 0 something year someone please talk me out of this state if it s even possible to those who read this entire thing i hope you re in a better state than i am,Depression +6992,Been stuck in a loop of ruminating/ overthinking. I still cannot seem to connect with another person I find attractive even though that is the least of my problems right now. Just overwhelmed with what is in front of me and trying to stay calm but imposter syndrome is ringing in my ears Low,Depression +13447,Today is the kind of day I do not want to keep going. Today,Depression +27058,"I do not know how to express it but I just feel sad and empty all of a sudden. I do not want to call it depression or self diagnose myself. I really want to get checked but it is very costly in our country, also I do not even know where to start or how to express this feeling with a doctor. My parents do not know this feeling I am having because I am always happy and loud in our home. I have not been outdoors since the pandemic happened, I started to work from home since last year and the only time I go out is when I do groceries. I have plenty of hobbies. I play video games, create art both digital and traditional, I watch series/shows/anime, I collect toy figures. I really like the feeling of ordering things that I like, it brings satisfaction but then fades away quickly. I am stressed with my job, I always cram and procrastinate. I feel empty even though I can get things that I want or do things that I want. Right now, I cried out of nowhere without any reason and began searching for reddit posts that I can relate to. I sleep around 4am-6am despite having a job (I am midshift anyways so my shift starts at 2pm). I do not know what to do because I cannot tell this to anyone because I do not want them to think that I am seeking for attention or being exaggerated.Any tips to overcome this feeling? Does social media detox help? I am active at instagram and twitter (active at scrolling but not at posting), I deleted my fb app and just open my fb once a month. Thank you and I hope someone can help me. Ps: Sorry for my bad english, not my first language and its 4AM here. Hello. Lately I have been feeling empty.",Depression +21870,I find myself never quite feeling joyful about anything. I am so over living in my hometown and I feel so trapped here. I feel isolated and physically uncomfortable often. My lease ends in 3 days so perhaps a fresh start will help add some zest to my life. The routine of working 40 hours a week is draining and I hope one day Ill feel more hopeful One day maybe Ill feel okay,Depression +19533,"I have been sstruggling with serious depressive thoughts ever since i can remember, and other than a handful of one off memories, i feel like I am losing all my connections to my old self, and have had a severe drop in self worth recently due to this, which brought on another couple months of hell, and it just feels like no matter where i look for hope anymore, its just not there anymore. My mother was verbally abusive when i was growing up, and it really broke me early, and i feel like i lost my entire childhood, because i cannot remember a single thing, not even just random moments, literally nothing from around grade 2-grade 10 ish, which is when i had tried my first time to fight the thoughts, and it worked. temporaraly, of course, i knew if i just went back to living the exact same way i was before, it would all come back sooner than i can blink, and these feelings of being helpless in my own mind, is just such a defeating thing to aknowledge, its almost like signing your will if you accept the feelings, but i just cannot keep myself away from the shitty people who break me down, because i live in the same fucking house as them. I am so fucking tired of everything, honestly, but i know i will not make myself permasleep, because i care too much about everyone around me, and trying my best to make them know that they are loved whenever i can, just be the person i always needed growing up, which is not a bad thing, until you start to value other peoples lives over your own I feel like I, not physically myself, but mentally? does not exist anymore",Depression +11864,"nothing even went through my mind at that point, I was just like ""huh, this object looks sharp. eternal sleep is sounding pretty good to me right now"" and I cut straight to white. I am lucky the cut was not deep and i did not cut close enough to a veinhow can I even try to keep myself alive? sure life is full fucking pain and agony right now, but jesus christ. I have nobody to talk to who is actually there for me in my life, especially not my family I went down to my kitchen for some food, next thing I know I fucking attempted suicide",Depression +10334,"I get easily frustrated by so many things. Few examples I have in mind:When politicians wear their masks when they talk in a microphone: there is nobody next to you and you need to relay a message do not you? stop this posturing I cannot understand your muffleling! (that one is not going to be popular but bear with me please)That commercial that just explodes my phone speaker everytime it pops up on Youtube: How bad are you willing to bother me just to make profit?Bella Poarch: I feel like she is so fake and ""Pretend-cute"", I doubt she is half as cute in real life.Jeff Bezos who goes to space: have not you got anything better to do with your money? like helping the poor you know, one of those trivial thingsAnd anyways, my therapist told me to accept those things. She said:"" When you think about an object in your room, it does not bother you, right? well try to have the same attitude towards those things that frustrate you"". You do not get angry about a ventilator in the corner of your room, you do not get angry about the wind.. etc.She also told me ""what does it concern you if someone is fake?"" which is interesting. it is true that it is not my problem that Bella Poarch is the way she is. Also I simply cannot change her, I do not even have enough money to buy a plane ticket to meet her, so what is the point in hating her? I feel like she makes the world worse and I dislike her for that, she does not contribute anything to the world and she is a millionair.I think it is fair to cast judgements, some things are bad and some things are good, but according to my therapist, there is a way to accept those things, be at peace with the world. A way of relating to things we think are bad without feeling the need to reject them, hate them, change them. A kind of fluid-waterbending-Tai-Chi-fish-in-the stream way of being.Anyways I would like to hear anything you have to say about that, personal experiences, anecdotes, teachings.. Accepting things",Depression +41183,good morning dear community i m safe and sound thank you for checking up on me and supporting me depression stage took week i guess i m moving to acceptance it s been a month since the beginning of war they said we d fall in day but we re still standing,Depression +23244,because I always want to fucking kms I sexually identify as a unit of speed,Depression +15622,"Everytime I complain to my boyfriend I am depressed he tells me that I should not be - that I am beautiful, smart, have a good job, have a boyfriend who likes me and lots of friends who like me. But the day to day weight of being unable to change my situation gets to me. I feel like if I spend money on my favorite food, its pointless. If I walk 10 minutes somewhere, its a drop in the bucket. Buying cute clothes or makeup, or driving around to go browsing items would only be a temporary dopamine satisfier, but Id feel empty inside ultimately with too many things in my already filled closet. Going to a music festival would he fun, but it would just cost a lot of money, Id be tired from the travelling, Id be frustrated with my friend pushing me to do things I would not like. I find negotiating all the relationships in my life exhausting, disappointing and full of tradeoffs, but I do not know where else to invest my time instead. A career that I am in to ascend the ladder just seems designed to make me overwork my underlings in a corporation that destroys the environment, while surrounded by coworkers who are obssessed with their job title and work. The sex with my boyfriend is great, he is caring enough, but I am just full of doubts in my life. I feel that I am not doing well at all and that I am always going to be miserable. I feel like I have to keep busy, wear myself out until I sleep, to numb my feelings and get by. And I constantly feel like jumping job after job, and escaping, but I do not know where to escape too. I am not happy unless I distract myself",Depression +38656,so i haven t had a job in a year and today i finally had a phone interview for a work at home position that involved customer service since i have over five year of experience in that realm i thought i wa going to do well like i wa feeling really confident and thought i wa going to slam dunk the interview i watched so many interview video article wrote down interview question and my answer and practiced multiple time in the mirror and recorded myself over and over again i felt so good about myself but when the interview started and he started to ask me question i panicked because they were nothing like the one i thought they would be for the position i could barely get my thought together and form sentence i hung up and he called back and i lied and said the call dropped and then he went onto the next and i just couldn t do it i hung up again and broke down into tear and started to shake lmao at this point i feel like i m stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety i want to get a job again i want to get back into school but this anxiety shit ha me in a chokehold and it s making so sad idk what to do,Depression +26251,"my mom (65f) just retired. she moved back into our childhood home a week ago after 13 years of essentially living alone. she put so much weight on her career and worked so hard her whole life and now feels like she has no purpose and is grieving her pre-retirement life. she is depressed and cries often. i try and sit with her, letting her know that retirement is major life change and it will take time to get used to. has anyone experienced this or know how to be supportive?I am (37f) single and have lived alone for the last almost 4 years. i moved in with her so she does not feel so overwhelmed. part of me moving in also has to do with the fact that my closest friend and one true love died by suicide 35 days ago. I am grieving hard, so I am finding it hard to be her support when i need so much support myself. advice on how to support a depressed, recently retired parent",Depression +12523,"I am honestly not doing so fucking hot. I have not been doing so hot for the past 8 months. I really do not know what is going on with me. At first I thought it was burnout from uni....but now I have a feeling that uni was my form of escapism, and now that I am graduated, I just feel like shit. I was an emotional mess back in April, and now I just feel numb. I still overly care about people and important things, but my mood has been so static. I am not happy anymore, I am not sad anymore, I am just....there? I am just so beyond exhausted. Past 5 years was so intense, with both school and personal stuff. I am an overachiever, my cGPA is a near 4.0, grad school is not too far. Career wise, life is good. I am at my prime, and I feel so confident in that. But in this year alone a close friend and my sibling were both suicidal. Decided to go out of my comfort zone and try out dating, the dude I briefly talked to turned out to also was similar. My parents barely were able to pay their mortgage due to unemployment. My dads health has been steadily declining. My PCOS got out of control. My sibling and parents fight constantly. My parents fight with each other constantly. COVID is still very much flourishing. What are the fucking odds. Every year I tell myself that the next year is going to be better, and I end up disappointing myself. Like, I can never catch a break. And literally I do not know anything about personal boundaries. I am so quick to commit to being there for people in my life, but I have realized that I am never there for myself. Apparently caring too much about others is a trauma response, and that totally makes sense. Being the eldest daughter in a dysfunctional immigrant family, I learned from a young age to set myself aside for others. Being a therapist, peacemaker, tutor, caretaker for my family members and all that. And now- I just feel like I am passing my threshold of tolerance. I want to move out, but I know that that is going to be financially irresponsible of me. I need to be there for myself, but a night of simple self-care makes me feel beyond guilty. I feel so fucking lonely, but I want to be left alone. I am so fucking sick of shit, but I have to push through. I am trying so hard to keep a mental grip, but I am so close to just crashing. Fuck, I need a hug. need to vent",Depression +27027,"I (33F) have been struggling with depression for quite some time. Back in 2019 I was seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. I was taking Prozac to help with my depression. Overall I was beginning to feel good. Unfortunately, all that ended when my boss outsourced our jobs to India and I lost my insurance. Fast forward to the present, I am still without insurance and have not been able to afford therapy and meds on my own yet. My work has been really unsteady. With that said, I currently work 7 days a week, while my BF (36) works UberEats for 4-5 hours a day M-F. When I leave for work in the mornings, he is asleep. He does not start until 10:30 -11am. When I come home, I usually find him playing video games or on the bed on his phone watching porn or dumb shit. I do most of the cleaning at home, which includes washing dishes- to which I hate with a passion, but since I do not cook, that was our agreement. Lately though, I have been more active in the kitchen so I am considering switching our roles. Sex- He likes to be pegged. Which I happily do and enjoy. I genuinely get into the moment which tends to result in 2-3 orgasms for him. He has it good! I recently had this conversation with him expressing that I would like for him to initiate sex with me more often. However, our pose is usually 1 of the following 3; missionary, cowgirl, or stomach down/doggy. I can only orgasm with 2 of those positions. There is still a lack of initiation from his end. Maybe I should be more vocal... but I feel like at that point, it becomes a chore, which is not sexy. Plus how many times do I have to repeat it? that is the bad... the good is that he loves me. He tells me everyday how much he adores me. As far as I know, he is honest with me. Whatever I want, he does. he is supportive and encouraging. I love him. I do, but sometimes I also feel a little of resentment. Why am I breaking my back to fuck him and support our lifestyle. I have been so stressed out lately. Like I mentioned, my work has been pretty inconsistent. I have a breakdown almost everyday! Sometimes, I want to break up with him, but I can never go through with it because when I truly think about it, I do not want to. I just feel like I am stretching myself thin. Circling back to the porn I mentioned. He masturbates every morning before he leaves for work. His Reddit feed is mostly porn. he is into big proportions. I was not giften with much assets in the rear... and it makes me very insecure. Plus I am a little over my ideal weight. I am beginning to wonder if my depression is affecting my relationship, or if my relationship is affecting my depression. Any feedback would be appreciated it. Is my boyfriend adding to my depression?",Depression +21328,"My ultra toxic family made me much more suicidal than I am in last 3 years. I do not know what to do. I have no balls to leave home. I live in a 3rd world country and probably I will die in streets If I leave. They ruined my childhood and satill ruining my life. I could not do something which will make my happy until this day bcz of them. 20 empty years. I am trapped inside those walls and I know nobody's going to save me. Instead of living here trapped, ending my life seems more logical for me. I have come to an end",Depression +13509,i have a really bad tendency of apologising it just comes out i cannot even controlling it because mostly from my past experience with my ex i cannot handle it anymore today my closest friend was telling me about how they felt but i kept apologising because i felt of no use please how do i help myself please someone tell me how to love myself and be enough i messed up,Depression +14737,"I thought if I post this here it may help someone who has not already heard this analogy. it is really simple but counsellors and therapists have shared this with me in the past. I think it helped me visualise how anxiety and depression affects a person's ability to function and face the challenges of life and explain it to others: 1. Take two cups and fill the first with a little bit of water, and the second half full.2. The first cup is a 'normal person', the second is someone who suffers with a mental health condition like anxiety, 3. For all of life's stresses - work stress, financial worries, family issues, health problems, having a bad day etc. - add a little water to each glass. do not stop pouring.4. Obviously, the second glass will begin to overflow first. If it is knocked, the contents will be more likely to spill the fuller the glasses are.5. For many people who have silent struggles affecting their mental OR physical health, their cup is already pretty full at their baseline.6. It does not take a lot for this cup to overflow or spill compared to others, but that does not mean the cup is completely incapable of holding any water.7. It might be necessary to make a few holes in the bottom of that cup to stop the cup from overflowing. Cup Analogy",Depression +9557,"To begin, i apologize for my english I am not a native english speaker, also, i cannot see a lot through my tears.Ill be 20 in about 2 weeks, and as long as i can remember i always felt empty, sad or angry.Mostly because i grew up in a toxic family i cannot part with because I am kind of dependant to them.So i tried seeking help last year, un february then Covid happened. And i had my first meeting with a psychologist from my college. She helped me a lot, i even thought that ill finally be free. That i will not feel like that anymore.Guess i was lying to myself again.I just feel like if was done, like i could not fight with sadness anymore, as if it won.I do not know if ill be able to stay, i do not want to live anymore, and its been months, i do not even feel alive anymore.Just emptiness, I am tired, i do not know what i should do After weeks of no suicidal thoughts I am just done",Depression +11329,I wake up everyday without a purpose or anything to do. I have no one texting me no one to talk to my age. I have literally zero friends and all I see is people having good times with friends online and it makes me cry. They say these are the best years of your life and if that is the case then what is the point of trying to go on. I doubt this will get any eyes but I wish everyone a blessed future and I hope no one has to go through the same issues I am going through. I feel like I do not exist,Depression +19565,"Has anyone had any experience with this type of therapy? If so, what is the process like and has it helped with your struggle? Regression Therapy.....anyone tried it?",Depression +41186,you know kalau aku percaya semua benda kat internet aku probably ada anxiety adhd depression and some form of cancer,Depression +39062,how do you deal with a relapse in your anxiety or stop it before it really take control been doing very well with my anxiety for the past month or so still currently taking mg zoloft but recently have been having some stressful family drama pop up in my life for the past day i ve been very on edge anxious and no appetite the stressful event sort of got resolved yesterday morning so you would think i would be feeling okay now but i m still having trouble shaking this anxiousness any tip,Depression +8315,"I recently ended a 5 year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend because she got the ick about me being in therapy for my depression and eating disorder. I feel like I have lost everything. She was my best friend, my only family, my everything. I feel...hollow. Literally like a she will of a person. I have literally never been this depressed in my entire life. I know it will not always be this way, I do. But I am really struggling to accept that concept. it is the worst it is ever been. Logically I know it is going to get better but I just cannot see the light at the end.",Depression +39038,i ve been experiencing such a exacerbation of my anxiety symptom that i think it s time to get evaluated for medication doe anyone have any recommendation for provider in the nyc area or in ny state in general since telehealth is a thing and nyc is insanely expensive 00 for a consultation is steep,Depression +40882,findinmyway luv depression hit me out of nowhere last night,Depression +26498,it is my own fault I know. I made so many mistakes. did not try. But I told him I was not ready for some things and he made them happen anyway. Then he blames me for not just doing it how he wants. I outright told him I was not mentally ready for a job and he still made me get one then got pissed when it went wrong.And now he is finally given up. Finally accepted he cannot fix me. He thinks me my mom can but I do not think anyone can. He basically kicked me out. So I am leaving to go home to my mom tomorrow.Part of me is happy to be leaving but the other part is even worse than usual because to make a loving parent give up on you I feel like I would have to be truly awful. he is not the best parent. But he cared about me in his way. Now he is kicking me out and giving up.I know I deserve it. My dad gave up on me,Depression +16785,"About a month ago my best friend was laying on train tracks with a boy and got hit and died. Her funeral was one of the hardest days of my life. I still think about her every day but today I feel some extra grief and just cannot leave my bed. I have been doing better lately, I have a nice job and a perfect boyfriend that would do anything to help me. But I do not like telling him when I am down, because what is he going to do. He cannot drive yet so it is not like he can come to give me a hug. I would rather sleep all day until I can see him tomorrow. I asked him the other day if we could go to her grave and sit for a while, and he offered to buy me lunch after so we are doing that tomorrow. I have a lot of other thoughts floating in my mind that I cannot figure out which one is the root of my sadness. Maybe my past trauma? The fact that I am so impulsive I tell everyone things I do not want anyone to know. The fact that I feel like should not be allowed to go out and talk to people anymore. Even though it is definitely too late, everyone knows my darkest traumas. I feel so much guilt, so much grief, so much pain. But I will be fine tomorrow right? Like always, or is this the beginning of my next depressive episode. I even feel guilt in my relationship, if I have to lie to him or break his trust just to wish I could tell him everything and run into his arms. I feel safe with him, I could tell him If I wanted to and I probably will if he is not busy. I finally reached out to a psychiatrist and maybe I will get answers, but I am scared they are not the answers I wanted. Why is everything so hard, I am so young.. but for some reason, I still feel like my trauma is not enough. Lost my best friend",Depression +10495,"It are not the hard times, it are not the all nights, it are not that easy, cuz it are not the whiskey that is killing me. So what do you got for this empty spot inside of me? A deep dark hole where love used to be? Gary Allan said it best. It are not the Whiskey",Depression +16680,I have a family member in the mental health field. I have been suicidal all this week. They are not taking me to the hospital. They have a friend that could give me a job. I just quite a job I love and want to die. There is no help. There is no time for healing. There is no getting better. I have just gotten worse and worse over the years. Ill stop one day. There is no help and the world does not stop,Depression +14419,"I did the best I have ever done yesterday. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, meditated for 20 whole minutes, walked for almost an hour, made a schedule for myself, morning, nightly and weekly. I did all the things I set out to do.But around early evening things took a turn for the worst. The nukes began dropping in my head. You cannot stay like this, you will never achieve anything, you are not worthy of love, you are not even worthy of being acknowledged, you are a pointless enigma, you are hopeless, you will never be anything more than a failure, you cannot get it right, you will fall, you should just end this, give up, no one could ever love you, just end this, you cannot escape the pain, you cannot deny reality, you cannot do anything, you should just end this.Combined with the siphoning of the worth of my deeds, how pathetic my attempts were in reality, the pressure inside my head, my heart like a sack of stones. it is been present now for about 6 hours. I did manage to get myself to sleep for about 7 hours in there.But as soon as I awoke, those thoughts were right there, the heaviness in my chest, this overwhelming sense that I just cannot escape reality. That I have lost everything and I will always be bound to lose whatever I try to build.I try to remember my therapy tools. I try to just breathe, acknowledge how bad it hurts and just let it be. Try not to fight it. But it just keeps screaming inside that I am just an empty monster pretending to be human.Seems my depression was more than ready to strike me down. To try to convince me of how hopeless the remainder of my life truly is. All the things I have been forced to miss, things I cannot let go of. My children. How I failed them. All of this pain, all of the regrets, all of that loss. Just more nuclear bombs going off inside my mind. In all of it I wish I could just scream but I cannot. I wish I could cry but I cannot. The pain is so total, the destruction of my mind seemingly complete. As the fallout begins to rain down. I want to believe, this seperate entity from my mind, this ""me"". The fractures and fault lines seem to vast to repair. In all of it, I suppose I should at least be grateful that I have therapy in about 4 hours.Though I am not sure what I am really doing beyond wasting my therapist's time. It all feels so inevitable and I try to convince myself it will pass. I try to say maybe it is not as bad as my mind is making it out to be. I try to fight this war through kindness but I feel I am failing, just as I always have done. I can(t)",Depression +26563,I am destroying myself with my mind and now i cannot sleep even though i was super tired and also i have to get up for work in a couple hours I am destroying myself,Depression +13881,"So I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for an urgent appointment. I have been getting bad again lately and feel really overwhelmed. I honestly do not know what I feel or if I am a danger to myself. I just do not know anymore. I kind of want to go to hospital, because that would get me a few days with intensive care and separated from everyone. Which is kind of what I feel I need. The other part of me does not know if I qualify or if I should just relax for a few days. Only, the downside to relaxing is I know I will not be able to process or work through my problems without professional help. And I have been trying to relax for a month now and I e only gotten worse. My grandma does not want me to go back to the hospital and I honestly am just lost. I have been hospitalized 3 times before during high school so I sorta know what to expect. This would be my first time in an adult unit though..Any input would be great Little advice please?",Depression +15692,Still wondering is there is any cure it is worst than cancer you live in jail of misery all of time I have no power to do anything What is the point of this? Is there is cure for mental illness ?,Depression +19040,"What the title says. I luckily met an amazing girl who is everything I could dream of and she has not backed off even tho I had some times when I just need time gor myself. I just feel that this is not the best time and I feel so bad. I do not want to lose her. Still I would like to hear some tips or success stories that is it possible to keep up with a new relationship while being depressed. I know I can spiral into a very deep hole any minute when I would not be able to have a relationship with anyone, not even family or friends How have you managed to maintain a new relationship while in a depressive episode?",Depression +38756,so i ve had anxiety almost my entire life and it really impact my day to day functionality i recently got dumbed by someone i thought wa my soulmate there reason is because of my anxiety they though i wa manipulating them and lying to them it made me defensive and defend position i didn t believe but i keep having a panic attack over both losing them and never finding someone again so to my question i have time where i m hyper focused on one thing and that one thing will make me anxious every day for a month or more right now it s the breakup previously it s been about dying or about issue regarding sex ha anyone had this where everyday they have this anxiety and nothing can stop the constant thought about one subject it feel like i can think of nothing else,Depression +8224,"Even with consultations with a psychiatrist, taking antidepressants, I have no energy for anything. I feel useless, I cannot study, I cannot work, I cannot do anything, just stay in bed almost all day Sleeping almost 14 hours a day",Depression +37677,my father committed suicide day before my th birthday i still remember this day i don t really have any memory of him so i m not really sad but for a long time i wa kinda angry at him for letting u alone with a mother like that but i realized some time ago that himself didn t want to be with her anymore and he also had a difficult life i think i m pretty sure he also had depression i feel stupid for being angry at him for so long over something like that i m happy for him now he doesn t have to suffer anymore he s free from his sadness just needed to let these thought out,Depression +12755,"I cannot sleep, shaking and my mind feels like its caught in a storm. Like there is too much going on. Too much and I am shakingeverything around me feels like its collapsing..I am not making any fucking sense. I never do, nothing does. I just want to fucking sleep man. Its killing me I just want to rest its funny. It feels like I might not wake up if I close my eyes. Its fucking scary man lol. I am losing it, I am going to lose it and my stomach hurts fuuuuuuuuck Feel weirder",Depression +7809,Why should not i end this to atleast stop this pain Next day of doing nothing. I do not have strenght to do anything. I can just lay in my bed.,Depression +48237,"I deserve to suffer. I feel like I was meant to feel miserable. I try to put myself out there but instead I get treated like shit. Nobody care about me as a person. I get used and eventually discarded like trash. I don’t even classify myself as a human nor do I classify myself as a live creature. I just exist. I’m just a walking and talking object. I’m nearing my wits end, nothing seems to get any better, nor do think it ever will. I feel like the only way to improve, is to take my own life.",Depression +41427,why do i feel like i m being punished for having depression,Depression +12976,"Hi, I have struggled with major depression through my life, it has been complex and I have been hospitalised a few times in the past. In general I am happy with the medical treatment I have had and how well I have done to manage my health, but I will always have depression, it is not going away.Right now I am really struggling with tasks. I am an adult child carer for a disabled pareny and life will not stop just because I am struggling. I just really need to smash through these tasks on my list and get them done, on top of dealing with the daily issues that seem to constantly come up. These are longstanding tasks and I know that once I get them done I will feel that there is a weight off my shoulders.I often need to drop everything at no notice to attend to my parents needs, because if I do not the situation will explode into a meltdown. But after I deal with parent's issue whatever it may be, I feel so drained.I struggle to concentrate and focus on what I need to get done, and on my motivations for doing it, feel overwhelmed with apathy.How do you pace yourself and keep making yourself perform to productively achieve work tasks on your to do list, at times when you are struggling but things just need to get done? I am feeling so frustrated.Cheers Seeking productivity tips - dealing with poor concentration and motivation",Depression +15311,"Hi, like most my life kind of turned upside down when quarantine began. I had a new job that fit well with my college schedule, grades were great everything seemed to be going on track. Once quarantine began I lost my job due to COVID and I fell behind on grades. At first I just felt like shit, kind of numb. Then halfway through I turned things around worked on myself a lot. But the biggest thing getting through depression was thinking about life after quarantine I told myself I would make it out a winner. The first couple of months were great. One of my goals was to start Brazilian jiu jitsu which I love because it pushed me to new heights mentally. Another goal I had was to be more social and go out more. A lot of my goals are in the process or are already done. But Deep down I am still numb. I am not sure why? I know happiness is not a linear path but when I know I am supposed to feel something I my emotions are not there.. a part of me feels like a narcissist that expects things so I cannot enjoy things? Should I seek therapy? Extra: One of the parties I went to had this really attractive girl a majority of the guys there were trying to get at her, the typical talking extra loud or sprinkling a little lie to make them seem more interesting. Me being the typical cool guy I just introduced myself and that was it. Guess it worked because her sister said she was interested in me and gave me her number. I kind of just shrugged it off l. Now I am not trying to boast on the internet that I got this girls number. All my friends hyped up the situation but they do not understand that even after that I still do not feel anything no sense of accomplishment not even a confidence boost. Still emotionless. Post quarantine depression",Depression +24223,I want to go but I am constantly worry about the heavy burden I will put on my family my younger cousin lucy I am so sorry maybe next time I have already tried and I am recovery what is the point Had tired to suicide before the burden,Depression +39575,lately i ve been having panic attack everywhere i went out to get drink with my partner and ended up cry in the bathroom yesterday we were with his friend and i had to excuse myself to sit outside and collect myself the list go on there never seems to even be anything that set me off but once it happens i can barely speak without tearing up it s so exhausting i don t want to have to hide from people place forever,Depression +21820,"my boyfriend and i broke up 2 weeks ago because he moved away. i have like 3 friends that will not hang out with me or talk to me unless i initiate it, despite telling them multiple times how that makes me feel. immediate family is fucked, no extended family. i spend most of my time laying in bed like a pathetic loser. i usually sleep at least 12 hours a day if not more. i have no hobbies or interests. i can barely even focus on watching tv anymore. i just feel so empty. i do not know what to do. i hang out with my friends maybe twice a week but I am so fucking sick of being the only one who gives a shit to make an effort that i probably will not ask them anymore. even if i stop asking i know they will not ask me so i guess ill just be alone and try not to kill myself for the next 2 months before i go off to school. but i do not have much hope things will be better there either. i have nothing anymore",Depression +38403,i know this is weird to ask but anyone got any alternative to cutting i m too scared to punch a wall not scared enough to not cut somehow and i can t cut without getting caught due to helicopter parent they have caught me cutting so my mother doe body check regularly again i know it s weird to ask but any suggestion are appreciated,Depression +22152,I have had depression for several years and within this year I have been involved with a woman that I really love. I think that she is beautiful and I enjoy doing some things with her but my sexual drive has been so low. I feel like I am making her feel awful because I do not stay in the mood for very long and I honestly feel absolutely nothing sometimes. Relationships,Depression +13111,"I am 23, Been dealing with depression since 2016 . But this week I have been feeling lost and have that what is the point mentality more than I normally do and its low key scaring me. I have a wife and good paying job and have everything I need so I should be happy right ? I lost motivation in about everything , I barely been eating too , not bc I am not hungry but because if I eat I get nauseous really do not know what to do , I never seeked help from others so I just want to hear what you guys have to say . Maybe I can feel a little better and not so alone Lost / unmotivated/ alone",Depression +20899,I drink alcohol and do drugs to not hate myself and the world more and when I wake up I find out I have done things that will make me hate the world more and have more people hate me. I just do not know what to do. I hurt myself and displease others but without it i do not know how I can keep going. The silver lining I look forward to is that I know its slowly killing me each day. I thought it would help me with my depression and but its only added to it. I do not know what to do,Depression +7672,"Is anyone having a particularly bad time right now? I really need to get outside my head, and maybe gain some perspective through the problems of others. Last summer I lost my job. I have been working towards improving my symptoms, and I do see a steady improvement. A few months ago I could not sleep for more than 3 hours. Falling asleep was almost impossible. My anxiety shot through the roof, as I was having daily panic attacks (a new thing for me). I lost my job, went back to school and got my degree. I am worried all the time. I ruminate all the time. I was bedridden for a few months and I lost about 50 pounds. My muscles have atrophied. My teeth rotted as I was not caring for myself. I am in a lot of pain physically and mentally. I cry multiple times a day sometimes uncontrollably. I will be 30 in less than a year and I feel like I am already dying. All I can think of is the negative, even though I have some positives. I am relatively healthy, no serious physical diseases.I have an amazing and beautiful girlfriend. I love her more than anything and she always returns the love tenfold. She has been trying to support me during this very dark period and I feel horrible for dragging her down. When the depression and anxiety were at their peak I was considering suicide every minute of the day. I had to call the suicide hotline and the lady I talked with used a tough love approach which actually helped put things in perspective. Anyway, even though the symptoms have been improving things keep happening in the middle of my recovery that trigger the anxiety and depression. Just yesterday when I was feeling quite good about my situation, I became the victim of identity theft. Here we go again. One step forward and 10 steps back. I obsess about things, and it has been driving me crazy. There are compounding problems contributing to this hole I have dug besides my mental health. I need a kind stranger to tell me what they are going through as well so I do not feel so alone. I am hurting really bad. My heart and spirit feel broken. Anyone else? Anyone Else Having The Worst Year of Their Lives? I desperately want to feel less alone and reading about the what others are going through helps.",Depression +47099,"What is this feeling...is this depression? me M(19) single i have good, supportive , loving,parents a sister that i love good friends (tbh could'nt ask for more ) i go out with friends , i goo to gym daily ,play video games ,i play sports and that moment i enjoy those things but when iam alone ,by myself (for example in shower or taking a bus ride from school to home )deep down i feel sad , empty and kinda lost its like someting is missing i have every thing a teenager could ever ask for but iam not happy in a way though .......cant find what is this plz some one tell me what is this feeling that comes up every npw and then?",Depression +15518,"I have been struggling with depression for 8 years now. I used to be worse, where I would cut myself and it even got to the point where I was ready to kill myself. I had the pills ready. (Sorry if reading about self-harm or suicide upsets anyone.) Anyways. I actually was able to lift myself out of everything for a while, I got a boyfriend and I am still with him, it is been nearly 3 years now. I have just started university and here I am again, I have been resisting the urge to drink myself blind, cut myself, or even kill myself. I have become a boring, negative loser. My 2 friends are worried about me, I can tell, but I am pushing them away. Why am I pushing them away? I have no idea. I am lashing out at them whenever they ask me if I am alright. I have even gone back to putting up fake happiness in front of my boyfriend so he does not suspect a thing. I do not think he will suspect a thing. Just last night we were talking and his replies were ""yeah"", ""okay"", ""mmm"". he is just a lazy replier but it does not help with my new wave, if that is what you can call it, of depression that is just hitting me. I asked him if I was boring him and he said sort of. Somehow I convinced myself that he was holding back on going nuts about how boring I am. Then I began to think, 'he must think I am extremely boring, my friends do too but they feel obligated to check on me since I am always checking on them.' I feel like such a damn burden, I have been crying myself to sleep. The moment my head hits the pillow, I finally feel relaxed. Even typing this I just have a disgusting lump in my throat that I cannot get rid of. I just do not know what to do. I do not open up to people when I have my own issues, but I am always ready to hear their issues. I only feel alright about putting this on reddit because I do not know you guys; and maybe some of you will understand how I feel? What should I do? it is getting worse everyday and I am scared I will resort to cutting again, or worse. Sorry btw, if this is all over the place. My mind is in shambles. I do not know what to do",Depression +40157,i hate myself,Depression +22834,"its so difficult to try and ignore these thoughts at night, they just get worse and I have to try and distract myself to forget about them Its so hard at night",Depression +47712,"I'm an extremely depressed teen, no hope in the future. Thinking about suicide. Hello. + +TW: SUICIDE; DEPRESSION; ANXIETY. + + +I want to start this off by saying I'm F15. + + +Ever since I was young, I dreamt about having an exceptionally great life. I dreamt of finding the love of my life, being rich, etc. + + +Lately, I've seen my brothers getting that kind of life, and also lately, I was met with anxiety. + + +I barely can't sleep at night, I'm extremely depressed, because I just have no hope in the future. + + +Like, I feel like I'll never live the life I want, or find the love of my life, because I feel unloved. I feel, I don't want this to sound stupid, but I feel way too smart for some people, yet too dumb for others. + + +I'm extremely depressed. Like, I hate how everyone is living their best lives, and I'm stuck in my home with my mentally ill jobless + + + + + + + + +mother, depressing, unloved, without anyone, cause I practically have no friends. + + +And my brothers just have their own life. + + +So I'm truly alone. + + +And I have no hope, no will, no fun. + + +I want to kill myself.",Depression +37934,i m 0 and have never even been on a date with a girl before everything ha just gone wrong growing up there were so many time where thing almost changed almost got in a group of people i wanted to be with almost would no longer have been alone but every time something at the last second happens and i lose it forever sometimes my fault but usually not i ve stopped getting my hope up for anything i know it will always just never work out it s like i m destined to just always be like this i had a few friend in high school no one i could ever connect with though i didn t care though maybe i could meet new people through them but for some reason anytime anything interesting would happen with them it wa when i wa gone anytime i am with them same usual boring shit i m not there something crazy happens i started going to college recently i really wa hoping doing this i would meet people make friend but even doing thing like going to event and regularly attending class just nothing i love talking to and meeting people but i just never get placed in the right place at the right time and the moment i get close i fuck up again or something else happens i downloaded some dating apps just to try to meet people i know i wouldn t have much success a a short medium attractive guy i would maybe get a match a week if i wa lucky and we d send a couple message but nothing more last week i finally got someone s contact info and we set up plan to go on a date i wasn t particularly interested in this girl but wa just exited to finally go on a date i had a class for the time we planned but that didn t matter i can miss it thing were finally going well and then last night i suddenly remembered nothing is ever supposed to go well i always get so close so this morning i check my phone she had blocked me i didn t even feel anything it s just how everything go for me i thought i m not angry at her or anything she probably just decided last minute she didn t want to go i m tired i m done trying i m killing myself next week maybe if i keep putting myself out there i ll actually meet someone but it s an endless cycle my depression make it so hard to do that which just cause me to get more depressed what is supposed to break this cycle i ve tried medication no effect therapy i ve tried may therapist and they ve all told me the same bull shit i ve already heard i don t really want to die it would be nice for thing to work out for once but with the cycle i m in nothing will ever change and i don t see a way of breaking it if thing will just be like this forever why bother continuing sorry for this absolute wall of text if you actually read this cool i guess i just needed to write all my thought out gon na go to sleep now bye tl dr god fucking hate me,Depression +27275,"When I met my gf a year ago I was at a point in life that I never wanted to see again. Now I am at that point again. My gf even decided to take a break from me, because she said she cannot deal with me and needs to figure out if she wants to continue the relationship. To someone who already thought he hit rock bottom, this shattered me. She was the only hope I had and the only person that actually made me want to get out of this hole and get better. Now I feel like I even lost that. All reasons to live just gone like that. And I did something which I promised not to do, I wrote a suicide note. I feel like I need help but I do not know what to do. I cannot anymore",Depression +8234,"I have my first new therapy sesh in a half hour and I am hoping it helps. I moved back home to my parents basement last summer after going thru severe depression from my first ever relationship ending. i feel really guilty because i said and did horrible things to make my ex feel the pain i was feeling and lost the great friendship we had because i wanted so badly to keep him interested in me- just to make myself feel like i was worth something. or to distract from how meaningless my life has always felt. I am a gay almost 25 year old from a big city and i had a good network of people in high school who still live here but they are all straight and i do not relate to them much. were not close. before moving back home i lived in my college town (another big city). most of my friends there were straight too and i felt different but i had closer relationships with them. since high school I have been deeply depressed and dissociated from my life so much i just showed up got the grades and graduated. no college professors to write letters of rec for grad school. credit score sucks. stuck in a dead end job here that i do a terrible job at because it feels pointless. it requires me to go into areas of the city that have shootings every day so I am always on edge that ill get shot or carjacked. it also sucks being the only gay person in a straight male dominated space. I have switched jobs every six months or so since finishing college 3 years ago so my resume looks too bad to get a cool new job. but i also feel like working in this strange capitalistic society is a waste of my time here on earth. i feel that there is so much i could accomplish but i have no avenues to achieving them. i now have an expensive ass car note so cannot quit my job. i am afraid ill never be successful, have my own place, live a life I am happy with, fulfill any purpose. i fight suicidal thoughts daily. i feel so alone and hopeless and idk where to go from here. Feeling Stuck and Hopeless",Depression +47497,"last day of june i am a piece of shit who keeps talking when i shouldnt i say the wrong things i cant thibk properly i do the wrong things i look the wrong way everything abt me is just wrong + +i hate myself so fucking much and im isolating myself even more i dont wanna cry again its really fucking pathetic + +on the last day im june im going to jump",Depression +22719,"Yes, my family beside my father care about me. I try to show that I am not deeply frustrated and sad, and it works. Either ways, in the country I was born in, hitting was normal. They would not care either ways, even if the care about me. If I told anybody about how I hurt myself, (sorry for mentioning) they would just sell it out to my father and I would be beat even more (EVEN THOUGH I HURT MYSELF) since I hurt myself. If I tell him why, I just get beat even more, as he would say that I am making a big deal out of it. Another thing to mention",Depression +14288,"Why do I always want to delete all my social media accounts and go MIA. Were all getting older, I know I cannot expect to act the way I want them to act but I feel like everything I do is wrong and they will just shade me in someway after we hang out. I always over analyze my friends behaviours, the way they act around me and I start to overthink that everyone hates me. I do not know if its the weed putting words in my head but I do think I am somewhat weird or crazy. I connect to strangers way more than friends, after knowing a person for a while, I hate them lol but it is a temporary feelings. I cannot seem to be with people, I have been to myself for so long now especially during the pandemic that made me even crazier got me thinking when could I ever be normal.I should definitely stop smoking weed because it brings my alter ego that I do not want to be, I just want to feel loved and not judged. I want to be all for myself but not really",Depression +25199,"Its what the title says, no more, no less, I am a burden, I want to die, there is not point, nothing, and despite that I cannot fucking do it, Ill hurt I know that, and that scares me, so tell me why I want to but cannot, I need to know I want to kill myself but I am a fucking coward",Depression +40520,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co kt eyujmrw,Depression +40914,vinpocetine for depression symptom amp mood disorder relief http t co zapfkyxdg9 http t co hqhozyg u,Depression +7209,my body has not been able to sleep. my mind has not been able to rest. I am tired of everything. I am tired of living.i force myself to do everything. life feels wrong all of the time.47 year old human in 2021 that simply feels done. tired of living,Depression +9442,I am feeling so low today just been lying in bed and need to do work but can not bring myself to get up and face the day. cannot escape my bed,Depression +47354,"venting I need to submit a 4-page paper in the next 4 hours, otherwise, I would fail my class. but instead, I'm here to vent about how much I hate life in general and in particular and in every way possible. + +but mostly, I hate me. This paper, for example, was due on Monday. it is Friday and I still haven't written a single page. and no, I wasn't busy. I was just being my procrastinating self. it is also 4 am and idk if I can have the energy to type anything down. + +Oh and also, this is not the first time this happened. I ALWAYS do this whenever I have a deadline coming up. always leaving things till the very last minute and always ending up doing a shitty job because of that. + +now, my problem with life isn't really about my inability to submit assignments on time, it is more about how fucked up I am as a person. whenever I fail to perform any form of task normally, I would get drowned in thoughts wondering why I am the way I am. + +all I do is cry myself to sleep, stress eat and procrastinate. like that's literally my cycle of life. + +Feeling shitty about my lack of disciple quickly becomes feeling shitty about the lack of love in my life, and how I have the shittiest parents who neither wanted me to exist nor knew how to love me. and how I at this 22 years of age, have not experienced a single moment of love with anyone ever, and how I am so touch deprived and how much pain I feel on a regular basis. + +this. mfing. pain. I never thought that being very mentally fucked would result in me feeling physically hurt from how much mental load I'm carrying? + +like as if a fucked up brain and a none existing self-esteem and self-worth are not enough... + +anywaysss, wasted enough time here. imma go submit whatever the fuck I can and put myself into a coma for the weekend so I don't feel a thing, I hope. + +no but wait I just remembered how I am also incapable of finding peace in my own dreams lmfao. + +whateverrr...",Depression +26698,I am sorry this post suck but I am so awful right now and my eyes are blurry from crying I am so sorry Spiraling please I need someone please,Depression +25683,"I have all these half finished projects that I cannot finish. I want to finish, I really do. I have an album that I have been meaning to finish for a year now, and I just do not have the energy to even try most times. it is all laid out and written, too. Nobody will even listen to the damned thing, but that hardly matters because I am too drained to even complete it.Had so much awful shit happen to me a year ago, and just have not been able to recover since. The trauma still gets to me. Alcohol is keeping me afloat, and has been for a long, long time. I miss motivation",Depression +41275,when the depression hit,Depression +15034,"I am so sad. Everything in my work life is going fine, but my personal life is a wreck. No one ever takes me seriously because I am the funny friend. I do not want to talk to anyone anymore. I just want to die sometimes. Please help me. I have never had this feeling in my entire life. Why am I so sad",Depression +25476,"I am so tired of hearing this do not give up or it will get better, just give it time. Every day just gets worse, not a single thing makes me feel anymore. I am just empty, even when I am not alone I still feel like everyone looks through me. Everyone wants me to be something for them, a role in their life, but when I need anything I have to figure it out on my own. I cannot make friends no matter how much I try to relate to people. I am sick of being here. I am sick of trying and waiting for things to be different. I am tired of seeing a therapist and getting nothing out of it but some one I feel like I have to pay just to listen to me ramble for an hour every two weeks. Its easy to tell people not to give up",Depression +20541,always there reminding me that it will be with me for the rest of this life Deep rooted pain,Depression +47846,"I realized why I question life and existence so much while most people don't It's simple - I don't enjoy life so I need to search for a reason to continue living, while other people simply enjoy their existence, even if there are plenty of bad things happening to them",Depression +23381,"its almost embarrassing to say but I really attempted to end my life after posting to reddit over a series of time in a week a little over a month ago. I have no friends i trust enough to talk to about my depression and that behavior so i meanits not surprising but damn lol. since I am writing now, obviously it did not work out. Also, I have been seeing my therapist for a officially a month now. I am making progress but its challenging. For anyone who has actually taken time to read this and you are considering, or in the midst of it, I hope the plan fails because you deserve to be here. My biggest piece of advice and what I would tell my self in any moment when I felt as low as I did, is that you need to choose to take control of your life again. I am grateful that I can see a professional, but if you cannot please start a journal and get self help prompts/books. choose yourself finally. nowhere near my ideal self but I made it this far already so I am proud of myself and want to share Please read",Depression +47414,"Feel finished Feel done with life, will sleep and get past it, but it's all a slog",Depression +9337,Ever day I wake up feeling like a failure. I always have this feeling of impending doom. What can I do to make these feelings go away? Every morning I wake up feeling like a failure.,Depression +39332,i m m on a super low dose of buspar all thing considered i think i like it i ve been on it since mid december and break a mg tablet in half and take that x a day so basically mg a day overall it feel pretty good for me minimal side effect other than i can t drink on it alcohol isn t a huge part of my life but i ve always enjoyed meeting friend or coworkers at a bar for or beer for a couple hour once a week that amount is enough for me to get a little buzz have a more lively conversation but also still wake up without a hangover now with buspar after drink i get drunk but not in a good way in like a very confused dumb clumsy and sleepy kind of way i ve basically just cut alcohol out of my life which doe have some benefit i don t spend a much money i don t eat late night fast food no more groggy hangover no staying out late no beer belly but on the other hand i ve basically become a social recluse part of the reason i started taking buspar wa because of my social anxiety and in day to day life such a work and parenting and just going about my day a normal i feel like it s improved but so much of going out in the evening with friend or coworkers or new friend or new coworkers involves drink and a that s no longer an option i ve just kinda found myself le and le interested in going out with people who i know are going to have a night out of drinking not entirely sure how to proceed,Depression +47832,"Is it okay to give up? To realise that there’s no point in fighting anymore because the hope you’ve been trying to hang onto doesn’t actually exist anymore… there must be a point where it is actually okay to give up. When you’ve tried so hard to continue for so many years and nothing has ever changed for the better, is it now okay for me to quit now? + +I can’t do it anymore, the ups, the downs and the lower than downs, it’s just not worth it. People will understand, won’t they? The train of life arrives at different stations everyday, I think this is where I get off. 🖤",Depression +8590,"I am grateful for everything I have in life, I genuinely believe I am blessed. Yet, I feel empty and sad all the time. I never used to be like this until 2017. Its been like that for years now and it just will not go away. I had a expectation of how my adult life would turn out but I am still not satisfied. I was told, twenties would be your most fun, for me its the most depressing at most times. When I do enjoy life in the moment, it kind of gets ruined by the thought knowing it will not last forever. I am really grateful for my s/o, hes very supportive and understanding, yet I still feel constant sadness.. I am not suicidal but I always feel empty and nothing. I hate this feeling and it makes me cry at some nights, whereas other nights I cannot cry at all. Anyways.. I just want rant on here. Its my first time posting on this app. I have everything I want but I am still constantly depressed.",Depression +40552,i literally have depression http t co q bkk uq,Depression +39833,i just want the pain to end i really want to die my life is not going anywhere i ve got no friend no future etc i m just so completely exhausted and sick of it all i wish i wasn t so sensitive but i just can t take this anymore,Depression +25221,"I found something out today that feels like the light at the end of the tunnel that Id previously given up searching for. While I probably cannot end my struggles with the aid of therapy and medication (trust me, my family and I have tried continuously to no avail), today I read that a man in Quebec, who had a neurological disorder similar to Alzheimers (although he had not allowed it to progress to a stage wherein he became somewhat of a mental vegetable, he had lost many physical capabilities and securities and wore diapers at the end of his life) qualified for medically assisted death under new legislation, when previously ones death had to be within the foreseeable future.At the end of the article it mentioned that while persons suffering from mental illness do not currently qualify under this legislation, they will as of 2023.That being saidits been a rocky road since 1999, but now it looks like I can finally be at peace with myself because there is now hope for people like myself, who found no relief in medication and therapy, for whom there previously was no hope. You do not have to struggle with the constant (or not so constant) thoughts of suicide and trips to the hospital that sometimes involve admission to the mental health wards. I feel like its overWhile I am referring to the struggle, I worry that the topic of this post might be a little strange and hard to understand, even for others who are depressed",Depression +9194,"It never gets better. Day in, day out, the same thoughts surround my headI cannot be alone, my thoughts hate me.I spend my time doing nothing but wishing to vanish from existence.Even as I child, I never wanted to be here. I am not meant for this.I should not be here.I do not belong.People change and grow distant.I cannot save myself, how can they?Too much a coward to end things.I suffer the pain of existence. They all can see it, they cannot help it. It never gets better.I am ready to leave.It never gets better. It never gets better",Depression +13904,"I am sick of this fake support for depressed people. I have told people I have clinical depression and at first you always get tons of support. But after a month or so everyone just goes back to their normal lives and just kind of forgets about it again. Prolly because its not like other sickness, it does not go away quickly. Just makes me feel so much more lonely when I got nobody supporting me or talking to me. Prolly my fault though because I pushed a couple people away and I never ask for help. Maybe I am just hoping somebody will ask hey dude how you doing like actually :/",Depression +14026,"The last bad relapse I had was when I was 11, and I stayed in bed and did not eat/drink or go to the bathroom and cried and slept all day. For 3 days. Now 7 years later, I relapsed for a week and did not eat properly. I withdrew myself from my friends. The because of relapse? My mom overstepping my boundaries and worrying about her invading my privacy (like going through my diaries and journals. she is done it before so it could happen again). Both times I expressed/ attempted suicide I was screamed and shouted at for being selfish, inconsiderate and immature. I am simply tired of existing and no longer want to feel the pain I feel. Depression flared up again because of therapy and my therapist siding with my mom, who caused a lot of my issues, and not believing/ belittling me. ...And now it is been a good 5 days since I have eaten proper meals, interacted with my parents, or just functioned properly in general. I tried to choke myself 3 times this past week. I literally cannot come up with any other creative way to kill myself. I want help, but I do not want to go back to the hospital when I was the youngest one there. It felt like a fucking retirement home. My highschool counselor is away and I do not want to burden her. I hate my current therapist and want to look for someone else. I thought graduating highschool would make my life easier, but this year really turned for the worse for me. Anxiety attack for 3 whole months. On and off depressive episodes. Therapy is not working and mental health services are so slow and limited. Is there really hope for me when I am merely existing? It was not this bad before.",Depression +40252,i ve been waking up and going through the same day repeatedly for a long time i wanted to get better but i wanted this particular person to be by my side while i did it i ve made a plan and set a date i know in my heart it s the right choice i just hope he doesn t blame himself when it happens it wasn t him that make me want to follow through i m just done hurting everyone that come in to my i m done being ashamed of the person i ve become and i m done looking like i don t care i felt every emotion so keenly that it forced me to realize that those very same emotion made me react in a way that i wasn t proud of my reality is shifting and these shadow are the only thing that is my company nothing is ever going to change for me even if i go to therapy even if i get med sooner or later it always return i m done being a prisoner of my own mind idek why i m posting this maybe hoping the right person will see me and talk me out of it it s not that i lack love it s actually the opposite i have so many mental health issue that i m such a burden on my family now my addiction ha returned i m just so done with living like this it s a little ironic my selfishness is the cause of all this selfish to the end i m sorry s i hope you don t blame yourself and if by chance you see this i want you to know i think this is always how it would have ended,Depression +25986,"i battled with severe low mood, depression and intense feelings of anxiety for more than 10 years. i also had cases where i almost attempted. last time where i felt this severe was during the end of 2020. (do not worry i do not get these feelings anymore)over the past 6 months my life changed for the better. i learned new coping mechanisms that were positive to keep me surviving. as well as mentally thinking positively rather than negatively. however my motivation and ability to do day to day tasks or work where i require to focus went down the drain. at first i thought it was my procrastination getting worse. however really my brain is fried. my attention span is non existent. i did not realise it was that bad till now over the summer holidays (i go to uni) where i now have free time to read or watch shows i find myself not focusing at all. i cannot even sit and watch it because i see no point? despite the fact i want to internally. it takes me a week to even respond to an email (and that is only because it is severely important) i have deadlines for coursework over the summer to complete which is important to me however i simply can not do it. i feel as though subconsciously i have still given up. it is awful that i now feel as though i am frozen and losing pace of reality. as though i froze in the same state of depression but without the severe emotional baggage that i once had. does anyone relate to this? and any help or advice would be great c i am frozen mentally and do not know where to go. my attention span is fried. and i am stuck in a depressive rut.",Depression +39474,hi i m haven t had many female friend growing up now that i m in university and i m a part of a couple different club society we occasionally all go out and eat together i ve quickly realised that i ve been very anxious when eating food on a table with other woman there particularly the one i m meeting for the first time or the one i want to leave an impression on i have a bit of a short beard and one of my fear is that food will drip down and get stuck in my beard and those woman will notice it before i can clean it or it might just get stuck and they ll silently judge me for it and not tell me it s there i ve become great at conversation overtime from previously being very introverted and shy but asap food is served and everyone start eating i switch from being that casual fun guy to a scared and shy introvert who keep wiping his face after every bite of food he gulp down p s interestingly my fear isin t there when i m with guy or if i m with woman i m already close to would love to hear you guy opinion on how to tackle it and if you guy have faced any similar fear xx,Depression +21001,"I have struggled with depression for long time, but lately I have been feeling the hate crawling under my skin for everyone around me especially my mom! Out of nowhere I started to remember the way that she used to comment on my body and how she used to compare me to other girls in my age, the way that she started the eating disorder traits that I have now and I cannot help but to think she wants to keep me as a prisoner. I live in a very conservative society so whatever I do to help myself facing those who try to control my life (my mother included) Ill be the selfish one even though I am grown ass woman!Then I start thinking..she is not that bad she can be annoying, coward and she has a victim complex , but overall she is not the devil!I wonder if my depression is getting worse playing games on me making me hate everyone give them the cold shoulder I truly no longer know if these feelings are true or its just my brain fucking me up irrational hatred",Depression +20216,"i was doing very well for some time now. probably since early spring. no clue what set me off. i have not been enjoying my new job much, but that is not a new feeling (took the job in january). i woke up tired today. as the day went on, my ability to focus on work and maintain my motivation to get through the work day quickly deteriorated. by dinner, i had no plans of eating (managed a protein bar at lunch). this is not usual - normally i am hungry and, when depressed, i binge eat often. but my boyfriend decided to cook the meal i was meant to make us, so i did eat a healthy dinner. i then laid down in my made bed. i did not get up again. i have things to do around the house, but i cannot be bothered. they do not matter to me in the moment, but, at the same time, they do. i have anxiety about wasting time just laying here. but i cannot find a good reason to actually get up. about an hour ago, i started crying. i feel heavy and like there is low-grade electricity in my skin. i am uncomfortable. i have no idea why i feel sad.but i do know that my boyfriend otherwise ignoring me all night after dinner did not help. sure, he made the food (though he also had to eat), but then he never checked on me. he got mad that i asked him (for what was probably the millionth time in the last 6 years) not to touch my stomach when he came in to say goodnight just before he went to bed. i do not like my stomach touched and i have been explicitly clear about this to him relentlessly; he just does not care about my boundaries. because i called him out via asking him once again not to do the thing he was doing, he curtly said goodnight and left without giving me a kiss as he usually would have done. that was my punishment, i guess. he very often withholds various forms of affection and this is usual behavior for him. so, i am not surprised. and i was not surprised he never checked on me because he is also very selfish and self-centered (likely a narcissist). but i am not here to talk about him and his many problems or how these impact me. while his behavior and the way he treats me has done absolutely nothing to improve my overall mental health, i was depressed long before him and I am sure i will be long after. i was not expecting him to help today or do anything really, but brought it up because i wanted to mention still that i am nevertheless feeling disappointed that the person i care about did not give me the care that i have in the past and would have given him if our positions were reversed today. i knew he would not, but it still sucks that he did not. either way, i was already sad and do not know why. this just did not help the situation.background: depression has been a problem for most of life over the last 20 years on and off. in min my mid-30s now. its better and then its not. i can go long stretches of almost months and be completely fine; feeling cured.and then something will set me off again into a downward spiral. usually quite slowly, so i do not see it coming. but I am getting better at identifying when the symptoms are starting to onset and i can start to employ my various countermeasures. but sometimes, often really, it is tough to identify what triggers it to come back. when my depression is bad, i am insatiably hungry, tired, unfocused, unmotivated, sad (crying on and off), experience loss of interest in friends/hobbies/fun, have loss of sex drive, and i cannot sleep. this is sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks and a one-time panic attack. anxiety is new to the party in the last 2-3 years. and its not nearly as much of an issue, but its there at times. sometimes with the depression and sometimes on its own. fortunately, i am able to force myself to work so that it has never really impacted my career. but i cannot do much else when in a depressive episode. which can last for days to months (though its been awhile since its been more than a few weeks). i live with my boyfriend, whom i love despite his narcissism (he is not all bad, i swear. he just has a lot of his own problems and has no problem putting himself first and/or being selfish). hes almost 40 and we have lived together almost 6 years and it is manageable for now as i cannot afford any other option anyway. he might not be helping my depression but he is not purposely making it worse. and that is a lot better than the last several guys. my US employer-supplied health insurance does not cover therapy and i cannot afford therapy out-of-pocket (i have researched this extensively). lethargic, low-grade anxiety, sad for no reason.",Depression +17400,"I go to sleep early and still, I oversleep. Or Ill wake up and keep falling back asleep.I slept 12 hours last night. Who the fuck needs 12 hours of sleep? I hate that I sleep so much",Depression +39582,for starter i never really had a childhood when i wa my parent would constantly fight and eventually got divorced at the time i did not really understand and thought that my mom and dad needed space from each other well i never learned that they would never get back together until my dad remarried to a woman with son all older than me and my younger brother now my stepmother wa horrible to me and my brother this included being locked in the same room with my brother the whole day one meal per day a gate in the bedroom doorway so that neither of u could go to the bathroom or get a drink of water now i wa not always in my room i would go outside sometimes but i would be locked outside by my stepmother whenever i told my father about it he either did not believe me or shrugged it off a a mistake my mother wa not any better than my father she never remarried but wa extremely lazy and never cleaned the house she also never gave any discipline either so i wa free to do whatever i wanted then when i wa thing in my childhood got a lot harder when we found out my younger brother ha severe autism now thing switched from me getting some attention from my parent to none at all i wa now treated like a second rate child by almost everyone now whenever it wa my birthday and wanted to go somewhere we had to plan it to make sure that my brother would also enjoy going there because if he did not then my birthday would be cut very short not on y that the present were even unfair and i know it sound like i am just being selfish but is it selfish when on christmas i would get a 0 lego set and then my brother would get a new keyboard piano that he did not have to share the only time i ever felt like i wa treated equally wa when i wa over at my great aunt uncle s house at their house i wa not treated a a second rate child but instead a their own child they gave me acknowledgment and love when my actual parent did not they did not change plan because of my brother they helped fill the void that my mom and dad had left in me but my great uncle would pas away when i wa 9 due to cancer this not only hit me hard it felt like i had lost my real dad and now i would never get him back my great aunt wa still alive and kept up with me but i would only see her le and le a the year went by preteen teenager year were rough for me and yes i know most people s preteen teenager year were rough so for starter remember me talking about being almost locked in my room or having complete freedom depending on what parent i wa with well this wa not good for me at all a i got no interaction from peer my age and when i did get some it wa only for brief moment so i never knew how to interact with people i did make friend but this wa when i started lying to look cool instead of telling people that when i am with my dad i am basically in prison and when i am with my mom i live in a pigpen this kept leading to lie getting deeper and deeper and eventually developing into pathological lying it wasn t that i wa not kind or anything i just wanted to be cool and normal like the other kid and my friend this however wa only the tip of the very uneasy iceberg because now people were getting in romantic relationship in high school and god forbid that i get a girlfriend during this time well it happened i got a girlfriend when i wa freshman in high school she wa the polar opposite of me where i wa shy and not very interactable if i did not know you she wa the party girl who wanted to drink booze and smoke weed during the time that she did drink or smoke i would feel left out just like with my family at home so again i made up story and stuff to make myself look better well now i wa getting called out by others for my lie i knew it wa wrong but for me it wa all about the attention at the time no matter if it wa good or bad it made me feel real and like i mattered in a twisted way well now because i wa being called out i started to get even more depressed than i wa and resorted to self harm eventually one night when me and my ex were talking she got drunk and started sending message that i needed to man up and have intercourse with her r she will leave me well me being in a not so good position in life i self harmed more violently that time and sent an image to her in retaliation for her saying that she will leave me i know a match made in heaven right there i will not say that i wa not at fault partially in that situation and i will not defend my action i merely wish to vent and talk about this anonymously a i have never spoken about this before to anyone after that incident the next day i wa beaten to a pulp by guy who liked my ex and thought doing this would land them brownie point after which the school district finally did an investigation which involved my ex telling her side and only hearing her side my friend called me insane and left one by one until i had no friend anymore what hurt the most from that though wa now i wa alone my parent still never really paid attention to me and now were treating me like a chore than a son instead of getting me the help i needed they instead did nothing at all except send me to a psychologist who would proscribe every drug in the world and a therapist who did not really understand what i wa saying and that wa i needed help i relied on them for help and they were never there now at this point i m and have no friend still don t know how to keep friend and don t know how to reliably get help i spent the rest of my high school year in and out of different school with no friend or girlfriend i wa so shut off that when there wa a girl who liked me or someone who wanted to be friend i would always dismiss them or tell them that they could do better than me i wa a husk in my own body and it wa all due to my action and not wanting to open up to anyone i did get some romantic relationship eventually but those fell off a i never put the time or effort to make it last when i wa i had my first suicide attempt i failed obviously and i am glad it did at the time i eventually got in contact with my great aunt again after year we chatted about what had happened in our life with me tearing up for the first time in a while talking about what my childhood and teen life were like she told me that she wa the same way in that she wa suicidal and we connected together because of that morbid fact she talked me out of many other suicide attempt and kept telling me that it will always et better no matter what and yes thing did get better i bought a car and paid it off in le than a year i have grown and learned so much that i am wiser than i wa before and i am going to college to get a degree in biology and in all honesty i would not change anything one bit knowing who i am now but i still get the feeling that everything would be better if i just did not exist now we come to today with me still dealing with suicide it ha now been a constant battle with it daily because i just don t know what to do i can t get over my past and the mistake that i made and even then this post doe not even cover all of them if it did it would be almost 00 page at least i just wish sometimes i never existed in the first place or that i wa born to loving parent who actually cared for me instead of sidelining me for my brother because he ha autism i am so full of rage for myself and my brother not because he is autistic but he took away the childhood i needed in the first place i m and feel stuck like i don t know where to go from here i don t know how to move on from the past mistake that keep me back i don t know how to look at the future and not see it landing me with the worst life imaginable and especially i do not know how to get over the feeling of not wanting to exist daily and thinking of way to die sorry for the long post i tried to keep it a short a possible with the most detail and if this is not the right place then what is the right place thank you,Depression +38344,i just finished it a few minute ago i got it from the local pubic library after waiting for it for several week i think it make for something very motivational and might be helpful to lessen depression too i won t give away the ending and don t stop listening until after the library if you re getting board once you get that far you ll continue,Depression +13024,"gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross my face is chubby, arms are chubby, everything, everything is just chubby, god why cannot i just die already i hate myself wish i could just peel all the fat off of me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY cannot I JUST DIE OMFG WHY cannot I JUST DO THE JOB CORRECTLY THIS TIME I HATE BEING HERE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH hate my body",Depression +38945,what do you guy think will this finally change my life buspasfar mg day escitalopram 0mg bupropion 0,Depression +38201,i don t know if it s that i ve been on antidepressant for year or that i repress my emotion and don t allow myself to process thing but i didn t even notice i went on my phone and started reading random bullshit,Depression +47119,"there is no day when I don't want to die So, I can't anymore. I didn't think I would get here. I hope it won't be a long post. Thank you in advance. +F(26) I've always been the soul of the party, the kind of person you love to be around. Always joking, with super positive energy. Few people know what I'm like in my spare time, and that in fact there isn't a day when I don't wish to die. +If someone can understand that I feel alone since I was little. I have always sought to be seen, appreciated, respected. +My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. Since then, the relationship with my father has not been, because he is the most lying person I know. All my life he just promised me things and never kept his word. Now he has his family, which he does not take care of. Her children live with him, but they actually live like I did. My mother was always away in another country. He tried to compensate for the fact that all his life he ran after the perfect man and thus he neglected me. He never chose me. To want to move together to do something new 2. She chose men who, I'm sorry, did to her. And I had to grow up with my grandparents. With my grandfather always beating my grandmother. I saw all kinds of arguments, fights, scandals and everything that a child should not see. I always grew up with words like ""you're not good for anything, you don't know how to do anything, you're like my mom, you're like tactu"" My mother has 2 brothers, who are super narcissists. That they gave me a juice when I was younger ""they raised me"". Grandma raised the men of the family as if everything was theirs. And my mother and I always had to do everything. From food, cleaning, money... Everything. No, they are men and we are women. Ever since I was little, I used to fight with everyone, because I was always different. I don't consider that my purpose is to find a man, to have a child and that's...as my family wants. I always wanted more. Because of this, my jobs were not exactly easy either. I was a team leader at 19, and it still wasn't enough, although no one in the family did more than me... +My grandfather died 2 years ago, and since then the family fell apart even more. My mother left again to another country, after her boyfriend who is my age and treats her worse than anything.. and I stay at home with my grandmother, who is also mean. +I tried everything, to meditate, to go to a psychologist, to stop thinking about all the things. Anything... +I feel alone, abandoned. As everyone sees their life, I remain here behind, worthless, with nothing. I have nothing. Not a day goes by that I don't think I want to die... Thank you.",Depression +20084,I feel like I have no reason to wake up. I hate every one and everything including myself. What am I supposed to do at this point? Fuck this,Depression +38018,just booked to speak to my doctor about starting anti depressant i suffer from panic disorder agoraphobia developed from this depression and gad on a couple different thing at the moment but never had an ssri haven t been prescribed yet but zero doubt i will be i just wanted to see what people have experienced with these did they work for you did you face any unpleasant encounter with them any and all experience you are willing to share i would be grateful for i m just nervous about starting them my mind is quite foggy at the moment and it hard to get rid of my worry about them,Depression +17701,"I was a depressive alcoholic for the last couple of years, though I was still able to function and work and be responsible enough to get by, when I told my family I was a drunk(East Indian background and traditional) they hoped me well and said they love me but they did not want to associate with me until I got my depression and alcoholism and life in general order because they are embarrassed what my relatives would think if they found out about my issues.They stopped talking to me, my siblings stopped talking to me as well when they found out I was an alcoholic. I never really had many friends in life I can rely on either. I reached out to a few acquaintances but ultimately after a few kind words they stopped talking to me. 2 years later, after extensive therapy and AA work I am better and have a better job, I am more fit and generally happier. I have also had an easier time making friends and getting dates through online apps. However I noticed I still do not trust any of these people, because I always remember deep down when I needed help the most and someone to just talk to, the only help I got was myself, so I am jaded because I do not trust people to be there for me anymore, not when I really need them. I just wanted advice, how do I overcome this cynicism, even therapy has not been helping with it. 27 M that got his depression under wrap after many years but still slightly traumatized and distrustful because the only person that got me through it was me.",Depression +38832,my year old daughter biological father and his family are all abusive and narcissistic we are a year no contact now but she continues to have no change with constant insecurity fear anxiety depression headache confusion control it s almost like she is addicted to her anxiety need advice on what to do to help her break this cycle she is pushing all of her feeling that have been broken from abuse and inadvertently teaching her younger sister to be the same way my stamen in the matter is getting thin her anxiety make mine shoot through the roof especially when she know when she is being very unreasonable about several repeating subject and then continues being unreasonable while trying to hide that she is enjoying it,Depression +15982,"Many people here, but not all only think people ""deserve"" to have trauma if they were hit every day as a kid but growing up in an isolating, emotionally blackmailing environment as a kid is just as harmful. you will basically have a depressed child that grew up with zero healthy sense of identity or self talk who thinks there is nothing wrong with him or her because they grew up ""middle class"". They end up isolated by almost everyone who is their age and does not even understand why. It does not even stop after one is young either or when you graduate HS. kids like this or (""us"" I guess) grow up to be the guy in college who only stays in the dorm 24/7 or goes straight from work to home every single day of the week. and girls who grow up like this will not end up like this so much, but will keep getting in one relationship after another, where the guy only wants one thing from her and basically every time she finds out the guy was just using her for sex or validation. And of course this vicious cycle leads many women to think all men are bad when they just keep meeting other people who are mentally ill (but not in the same way maybe her brother who grew up the same would be)Hope you guys found understanding in this post or related to it well I feel like we as a country (the US) do not do nuance and mentally ill people suffer for that",Depression +18910,"Does anyone else get waves of just feeling off or wrong? I feel like everyday plays out completely different than the previous, and my emotions fluctuate a million times a day. Slight happiness, extreme sadness, agitation. Sometimes I just randomly start to feel weird and its extremely uncomfortable. Feeling off at various times?",Depression +12917,"I do not have anything to say, I just feel empty. I have realize that I am the problem and I do not want to deal with me anymore. I push everyone away, and I always feel alone. The thought of dead is always in my mind, and its been there for many years. The only thing is that before I used to think that I did not have what it takes to just end it, but lately I have been feeling more capable of doing it of just end it. I do not have anything to say",Depression +39238,hey there made a throwaway because people know my normal account long story short i have this friend who used to be my closest friend we ve been like brother since we met in college a we got older we bickered a lot and had a major falling out about mo ago we made up and were kind of just friend that can be around eachother since we have mutual friend but not close anymore which is fine well we saw eachother for a trip with our group a few week back and we bickered on the trip a lot i know i m at fault for my side but he doesn t believe he doe anything wrong mainly we were bickering about politics which i swore to not speak with him because we disagree but there wa drinking and talking regardless after i attempted to apologize and be cool he instead of accepting or apologizing in return turned the conversation to my entire personality and basically dug hard into me a a person he made up shit about me that s not true a well it wa out of the blue and real hurtful but it is what it is i just kind of blew it off until i find out he s talking shit to my close friend in the city i live in now these friend are avoiding me not talking to me i have no idea what he said and how bad he made me look a an almost 0yo adult i don t want to deal with this but man this is really getting to me i m having anxiety about these other friend so bad,Depression +14220,"I have been friendless for many years now. I cannot attempt a conversation in person or online without being met with hostility. Everyone is so nasty and mean anymore, so what is the point? what is the point in trying to suffer day to day in dealing with these people? Like I asked a question on another sub and it got removed from the mods who told me to read the rules because my answer was in there. Their rules were several pages long. I replied and said I do not have time to read all that and was only looking for a quick answer. And the mod said ""Well I have no time to spoonfeed you information"" I want to kill myself because everyone is so fucking mean and I cannot handle it anymore. My intentions are always good and I cannot understand why people are always so fucking rude. there is no point in living because it is all just fucking pain and anger. Life is just getting worse because people are more mean",Depression +26574,Women do not find interest in me. I am unattractive and a bit socially awkward and weird yet outgoing friendly and kind and funny. I am getting older and I can see my chances of a family fading fast. I have recently be increasingly more depressed. Some very dark thoughts. I am at a loss Forever alone,Depression +15423,"A few days ago I had the realization that I do not want to die like ever. This thought has been keeping me up at night crying. It sucks that we all HAVE to die, and all I can think about is how nothing matters because were going to die and We cannot do anything about it. Then I think about how Its not fair because I did not ask to be born so why could not another human be born who can maybe accept dying better than me. Our whole lives were basically chosen for us. I mean who knows, maybe I am overthinking like this because its not really dying I am scared of but what is after? Or both? because when you die that is it.. what does it feel like to just have your body shut completely off forever? No more thoughts, no feelings, no more...life. I mean yeah none of us really know what happens after death, and some people think of reincarnation or other things as a coping mechanism. I used to think like that up until I really thought about it, I mean I am definitely open minded so that thought is definitely still there, but what if all the things that we think happen does not actually happen. I mean will we actually reincarnate? Even if we did the sun is going to explode eventually and take us with it right?why does dying have to be so hard to accept for me when I know its inevitable? let us talk about death",Depression +22696,"I have tried to use music as an outlet to express my struggle but when your brain is such a clusterfuck it is impossible to write something that explains what you are feeling, that is coherent and even sounds remotely good. But I guess that happens when you are worthless at everything. Why is it so fucking impossible to know and express what you feel.",Depression +7628,"I feel so worthless and unwanted and I have nowhere to go. I am never good enough for anybody and I cannot stop breaking down in my empty house. I thought things would be better, but they are only getting worse and I am scared. I am hurting so badly in ways I cannot explain, and I have nobody when I need someone the most. Please help, I am all alone and it hurts so bad",Depression +26995,I am really struggling today. I live alone I am old 37 F and have no kids no husband no family I am really close with. .. I have few friends and I feel like I have no reason to live. The place I live is a resort destination so people come here to celebrate holidays with their family. Its incredibly painful for me. It makes me feel worse than I would otherwise. The 4th of July in America is a big holiday for many. At one time it was for me too. Now I am just lonely and overweight and have no job or prospects of a relationship. I have no one to take care of me when I am old. I have no money saved. No credit. I have huge student loan debt. My life is too worthless to maintain. The bad is outweighing the good. I cannot pull myself out as easily this time it feels pointless. I suffer with PTSD and have flashbacks and nightmares. I wake up in the morning having suffered through a whole night of torture and it makes me days worse. I think back on the dreams throughout the day. I cannot work. I cannot be around people. I can barely leave my house for any reason. My dog is depressed. I feel worse because of that too. Its just piles of awful. When I was younger I was more resilient. I could see hope in my future. I could go through the bad and still have hope. I cannot do it anymore. I lost the love of my life because of the way I am in 2014 and I think about him still daily. He is married and had at least one kid. I know where they spend these holidays together with his family happy. I wish that was my life. I miss him terribly even still. I hate my life. I hate my life. I just want all this to end. I just want to feel numb or nothing . These holidays make me want to not be alive anymore.,Depression +41235,tellyoursonthis it s called depression anxiety and stress in the west black magic someone want you harm while we don t consider other people s action and thought s to be evil or the reason for our misfortune,Depression +26604,"Wow, you are only depressed if you watch the news? If its December? If someone says something rude to you? If you forget your meds? you are so fucking lucky, I would literally sell my soul to only have depression occasionally. I have tried absolutely everything to get even just one day where I do not feel like this, I have not had a good day in 6 years. But yeah, go off on how you have it so hard because you feel depressed for 2 months out of the year. I am so fucking jealous of people with seasonal or circumstantial depression.",Depression +19776,"honestly I do not want to be here anymore, i am not living, I am tired. I am losing weight losing self love. just constantly falling. detached from life",Depression +47694,"Anyone else relate to this Most of the time I don’t feel any kind of suffering, i just feel like nothing is ever going to make me happy and like the future holds nothing for me. I’m so used to it at this point i feel almost nothing from the thoughts. I’m so irritable and sensitive now I can’t even talk to my friends like i used to. I always just thought this was normal or just part of me but I was diagnosed with Severe depression recently and Its just so depressing to think about the future. Like no amount of success or money or anything would bring me happiness lmao. + +I really am just hoping it gets better for me. I wanna be happy.",Depression +20339,"A couple of my friends have been having some real good things happen to them lately, and while I want to be happy for them I cannot help but feel jealous. I feel like such an asshole for thinking this but I do not know what to do my life has been in a steady downfall and I do not even know what to do with it anymore. I am so lost and alone and every time I see something good happen for someone it makes me feel worse because I just cannot get a break. I just want to end it already. Jealous of my friends",Depression +12634,"There are a number of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) techniques that I have found helpful for myself including Spielmans 3-P model, which helps explain depression and anxiety. It says that there are 3 main factors that come together to create a chronic illness (like depression or anxiety disorders). The first is predisposing factors. Predisposing factors are things like genetics or cultural/family attitudes and they are generally out of our control. Predisposing factors increase our chance of developing the symptoms of a chronic issue (if the other two factors are also present). The next is precipitating factors (or triggers) which lead to the manifestation of the symptoms (in your case maybe the panic attack at 13). Precipitating factors are usually traumatic experiences. In order for the illness to become chronic, there generally needs to be perpetuating factors as well. Perpetuating factors are thoughts or behaviors which often initially arose to help you cope with the symptoms, but now are causing the issue to continue. Behavioral activation is a specific type of CBT for depression that helps you identify what your perpetuating behaviors may be and take concrete steps to stop engaging in those behaviors. An example of one of my own perpetuating factors for depression was isolating myself/not leaving the house. In many cases this urge to isolate arose out of mental fatigue or to avoid anxiety provoking situations. But in the long run, too much isolation worsened my depression because I ended up cutting myself off from the people, activities, and outside information (outside of my own brain) that helped me regulate my emotions and feel more pleasure/joy. Changing a perpetuating behavior once you have identified it takes patience and coping skills. Coping skills help you cope with the uncomfortable emotions that come up in a way that does not perpetuate the problem. It was hard for me to get myself to do the therapy (especially in the beginning) but I can tell it has really rewired my brain in a way that makes life feel more pleasant. I am sorry about your suffering and I hope you find a way to feel better soon. CBT principles that I have found helpful",Depression +19975,Yet one thousand steps back One step forward,Depression +15090,I am a 13 year boy with depression and near suicide. If i tell my family they would tell me its just the part of growing up.i told my friends but there is nothing they can do. I cannot go to a therapist even if i wanted to because I am 13 years old. I need advice,Depression +17990,"it is midnight. I was annoyed that my wife snored. could not sleep with too many thoughts flying around. My dear old brain ended up thinking about my determined way out. I saw myself lifeless on the bathroom floor, my wife devastated, calling an ambulance. Would she open with ""my husband killed himself"", or ""he is bleeding""? There would be lots of crying. I cannot do that to her. she is my everything, and she deserves so much better. She lifts me up everyday. Out of the sewer hole I keep waking up in. I cry silently, lying next to the love of my life. She does not know.she is been telling me to see a doctor--again. Two therapists already tried. They were boring. we have moved twice since. And of course, it takes me years to get to a point where I can call a doctor to discuss the world--my brain's world. My wife looks at me and cannot understand why I do not ""do something about it"". But surely, I am normal? that is what I have been told to expect. Average. Average people are not depressed. they are down sometimes, and will soon be alright again. And then I snap out of that thinking. I feel fine sometimes, but it is just the commercial break before the next reality show.I really need to make that phone call. I am wondering if I should tell the doctor this has been going on for 13 years, or 25 years. Depends how you see it. I have always hated the world, ever since I was a teenager. But it is only in the last decade that I truly wanted to get out. Once a week or so. My latest revelation is that alcohol allows me to feel happy. That scares the living shit out of me now. I would probably lose the best person in my life--like so many have before me--to that poison. Drinking has not been a problem of mine. I have rules, and do not like being wasted. Will it stay that way? Anyway, this is probably a good enough worry that I should try to muster the courage to call the doctor.Time for some distraction until I am tired enough to try sleeping again. let us see if this empathy-based courage still exists during the doctor's office hours tomorrow. Midnight, courage, love",Depression +26972,"I heard this statement where Depression is just a word for hating yourself. And yes I feel that is true, I do hate myself and where I am at in my current situation. it is been like this for years and I do not know how to get out of it. Depression is hating yourself",Depression +16805,"Something that my therapist and others do not get is that I can control my loneliness. I have been in therapy for a year to help with my loneliness but it being treated as a symptom of a bigger problem like social anxiety which I also struggle with. But I am also isolated, not by choice or because I have anxiety. Some people have strong families that they can connect with and have a community with but not mine. They are extremely individualistic. My parents keep surveillance all the time. I feel like I am living in an mental institution I can do anything without my parents knowing. They take turns leaving the house so I am not alone. I cannot rely on my friends all the time. Literally just work and go home. I feel so disconnected from the world like my life is not real. Since therapy I feel like I have gotten worse for me. FYI I am 28 I am isolated and its making me depressed",Depression +39300,i am a waitress in a busy restaurant and while usually i put my mask on and try to not seem so anxious for some reason lately my anxiety is getting to the point where i can t even look at people in the face and then my anxiety just get worse thinking about how much of a bitch or weirdo i seem for not looking at them i also struggle with eye contact which make it even harder i honestly just want to ease my mind and be able to talk to people like the rest of my co worker i m contemplating medication but wanted to know if anybody noticed a difference while on medication,Depression +40269,i just need to get everything in order i guess i have some morphine and a noose in my bag idk just wanted to tell someone i wish they got me help when i wa young and begged for it i don t think i feel guilty or selfish about it it s just how it is spent year knowing this is probably how i d end up idk edit someone to talk to would be great if you re interested dm me,Depression +13083,I am sub-par at everything that I do. Even when I practice really hard to try and Improve I end up worse than when I started. I feel like I have to try really hard just to be average at anything. I have severe work anxiety because I can barely hold a conversation and work colleagues think I am being lazy when I am actually trying my hardest!I feel like every time I manage to take a step forward I just end up two steps back. I cannot find the words to describe how hopeless this makes me feel. Not good enough,Depression +38711,i am mexican and i speak spanish i am using google translator to avoid any error i m and i don t have social anxiety but i do have anxiety disorder and although i know that there is nothing that can harm me physically or cause something serious since i already checked my sadness and the thought that i will never get over it i get tired and i feel that if i sleep or relax i can even die of a heart attack this is the first time i post something on reddit but i think this group can help me,Depression +40438,i feel so lonely and empty nothing fill that hole i have to live in a fantasy in my head to try and get some love and appreciation but a soon a i come back to reality all of it is gone i want this life to end i can t take it anymore,Depression +47345,"I hate myself I hate myself. I have super important exams coming up that will affect my life in the future, and yet I just cannot bear to study. Why? Why am I like this? Its not that I do not care, I am fully aware of the consequences and yet I am still a dumb piece of shit. And you know what the worst part is? My family. They love me so much, if I were to commit suicide they would be devastated, they have done so much for me, I cannot die, I am only alive because of them. I continue to stay alive for their sakes. + +I also have been given many opportunities in my life yet I waste it all away. I hate life and myself to the core. I wish I was never born.",Depression +47505,"I don't want to do this anymore I (23m) don't want to continue this anymore. I got out of a 6-year relationship back in august I left cause I wasn't happy anymore and hated myself to the point of not loving her anymore. I was 320 lbs when we broke up and now I'm 240 lbs I go to the gym for about 10 hours a week sometimes more. I'm stronger than my friends that got me into the gym and that makes me happy sometimes. I see a therapist every other week and I don't even tell him about some of these deeper-down issues about not wanting to live anymore cause he is a school therapist and I worry that I would get a restriction on campus cause of it. I have been on one date since the breakup and I really wasn't that interested in the girl I met her on an app and just went on a date so my parents would get off my back about not going on a date since the breakup. I feel invisible to women I'm actually attracted to that in the gym or around campus I try to smile and make eye contact but I can count the time's anyone has actually looked back and smiled on one hand. I feel like my depression ruined my one chance at love and not I'm just a fat ugly person who is going to die alone no matter how much weight I lose no matter how much better I look I don't think it is ever going to get better. I did get with my ex for a moment but I think my heart is truly empty there were no new feelings of love I think I need someone to kick start it I need someone new to care about the bring those feelings back. I don't know how long I can continue this life I feel like my peak is going to be 5 years from now when I'm still single and alone and graduate from school and am making 100k and have a nice scat pack challenger in the garage and my ram parked outside in a luxury one bedroom apartment. I'm on the apps and I get like maybe 5 likes total a week over all of the apps I'm using and I usually get ghosted after the first message. since I updated my pictures recently I have been getting likes from much better-looking girls and I don't even message them cause I feel like they look too good for me and probably swiped the wrong way and I don't want to message them and they ghost me cause they did swipe the wrong way. I know that is the dumbest thing but it's how I really feel. + +you don't have to comment or say anything I think I really just need to type all this out and post it somewhere.",Depression +39553,i am on 0 mg of trintellix 0 mg of buspar twice a day and 0 mg of trazadone and after doing some research this combo might give me serotonin syndrome and trintellix interacts with trazadone so idk if he s tryna kill me or he doesn t know what he s doing or if i m just over reacting lmao,Depression +12530,"She had a lot to say,but she preferred silence.There was chaos in her heart, but they mistook it as her calmness. do not know why I am here",Depression +10220,I am currently living alone and i do not really feel good about it. how do you live alone?,Depression +40838,depression anxiety lack of sleep lack of new yukika music lack of weed http t co d y 9 zpry,Depression +39345,so i had a doctor s appointment on a school day and i wa so anxious about missing day of school i wa cry because i would miss stuff that day and wa anxious about being behind on my work because my grade are expected to stay the same and not drop is this anxiety or just pressure put on me,Depression +12219,"I used to be the person who would talk to everyone, i cannot even hold a conversation anymore because my mind goes blank. I am a fucking idiot, God i hate myself I cannot even talk to people anymore",Depression +12699,"I already am dealing with chronic pain and poor mental health, I know this might be funny to some but I just hurt my back in the bathroom this morning, I was just about to wash my hands and I fell to the floor in pain. I am overcome with emotions right now. I have been doing so good, going to physical therapy, seeing a therapist for my depression, I am reading and learning about what interests me too. I just feel like crying now though, every time I make progress I get knocked down. I am just hoping this pain goes away soon, I have to drive 20 minutes to the physical therapist and I am not even sure why I am going I already know I cannot do any exercises with this level of pain. Oh well, here is me say screw you world, you cannot stop me. I am constantly rebelling against my despair and the universe does not care, it just keeps challenging me more",Depression +9836,Been on zoloft for a few days and doctor has added 25mg of endep ontop My anxiety is killing me think these two will interact and make me worse. Been very anxious for days and just want to make sure I am not at much of a risk Zoloft (50mg) and amitriptyline (25mg),Depression +41311,a no better way to fight depression http t co qmw or dmf,Depression +19347,I am scheduled for my first session of therapy but I honestly do not see the point. they are going to drug me up and trick my brain into thinking I am happy. I cannot see that possibly happening. Every day that goes by I feel like I become worse. I am tired of people feeling sorry for me and I am tired of my depression ruin the friendships I have. I just want to disappear. I tried tricking myself into doing happy things like going on a date and at the end I felt worse than before. It seems my life is a one way path to dying alone and all my friends getting sick of my existence. I do not even have the motivation to cry any more. there is a wave of anxiety and sadness constantly drowning me and I just feel dead inside. I do not see how anyone or anything can help me any more. I just feel that everyone gets sick of me at some point or another and I am at the point where I feel dead inside.,Depression +18487,anyone around? cannot do it anymore 2am and I am drowning,Depression +39180,i m starting to feel afraid that my husband is trying to sneak stuff into my food i wa feeling this way then he finished making food for tonight and i told him i wasn t hungry but he kept pressuring me to eat which made me feel even worse i ate some of the food because everyone got food from the same container so i felt like it would be ok i don t believe that he would do this but i also don t believe he wouldn t i feel sick to my stomach with anxiety,Depression +7126,"So here goes. Posting online because I do not want to talk to anyone around me. I have struggled with depression and eating disorder since my teen years. I thought I beat it,that I was done with it all. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with ibs. Its been going up and down but lately (I assume because of the heat) my ibs has been horrible. I have to be so careful with what I eat. Otherwise it sets my stomach of. And slowly slowly,my ed started again. Its a sneaky fucking demon. Its like someone whispers in my ear: are you sure you need to eat that,have you seen how much weight you have been loosing,have you noticed that your bones are showing more and more? Keep this up and soon you will be perfect. And with that comes my other friend. Depression. I do not want to get up in the morning,I do not want to see people,they exhaust me,they make me angry and annoyed. I do not want to do anything. And those horrible thoughts of ending myself. I just want to die. If I could just leave this world and sleep forever. The only thing holding me above the surface are my kids. How much I love them. How I could never do that to them. I could never leave them with that pain. Only reason I posted here is because I needed to get it out one way or another. I am not looking for pity or help. Hopefully I will bounce back soon. Is just hard when you thought all of this was in the past. And here comes the demons with their lies and horrible grins",Depression +38162,i wish i wa just normal everything is so hard for me i used to wish the world wa a better place but ive given up hope the world will never get any better and even if it did my mind is too fucked to be apart of it,Depression +17498,Every little inconvenience makes me want to cry and wish I was dead. No matter what I do I just want to cry all day and wish life got better I would give anything to stop crying,Depression +23737,"I have just had to cut off an extremely close personal friend because of his abusive tendencies. coming to terms with the fact that hes a bad person has been so unbelievably difficult. i feel so alone now, and I am wondering if anyone else would ever even love me. I have been searching for a lifelong friend my whole life, i moved around a ton and i never got along with my family when i was younger so i never had anybody i could share my life with and i thought i found someone who i could and it turns out i cannot. I have been struggling with depression for a while now and the only person i could lean on pushed me away and hurt me. I am so alone and i do not know what to do. I am not contemplating suicide but i feel like I am dying I am at the end of my rope.",Depression +18681,"I just want to get drunk af n not wake up, hell cannot be much worse than that I deal with on the daily Nothing matters, everyone hates me, I am nothing",Depression +11230,"I had a pretty bad mental breakdown last week, and my psych (whom I really trust) added two things to my treatment.I am on Bupropion 300mg which I love.She also gave me Eszoplicone for sleeping (worked but it made me very tired). I used to take zolpidem but my anxiety was so bad it would not work. This worked but I still slept terribly, waking up every two hours, vivid dreams, drowsy brain, etc.She also gave me an anti psychotic (Abilify). My experience in the past with them has been quite bad. I took quetiapine and one week later I told her I never wanted it again. I have experience **the** worst feelings when I took anti psychotics.I also read they are not so common to treat depression and anxiety and seem to be given more to people with well... psychosis? But I am not the expert so I do want to give it a try. I feel my anxiety is still pretty bad during the day, so if this would help it would be great. I am not asking for medical advice obviously, but just some general thoughts or your experiences to calm me down before I take it.Also, I never asked my psych if I should take them before or after the antidepressants. I plan on texting her when it is a bit later.The magic of mental illnesses ~ A bit scared to start taking anti-psychotics. Anyone with experiences?",Depression +25700,You do not have to but it would mean a lot Hey so I like this girl and she means so much to me but she says she does not think right and wants to distance herself from everybody but she does not want to lose me but feels like she is slipping away can somebody please help me understand abt this or help me so I can help her through it?,Depression +22800,"did not even get to see my doctor ON MY APPOINTMENT TIME LMAO!! asked to reschedule and next opening is another 11 days out after waiting 2weeks just to get in.... simply put I am fucked Just tried ""free health care"" through medicaid and it was a complete joke",Depression +13640,"I am tired of hiding the fact I am depressed that I feel like shit and pretend everythings fine while in reality I wish I were dead. The fact people feel ashamed over the fact they are depressed, anxious and all of that is something you should not be ashamed of. It should be taught about in school because then it would not be as unusal and to tell everyone and they would have some understanding. Instead you need to hide it because you are not doing fine and no one except the person who has it knows what its like. Mental health should be a subject",Depression +16380,People here do not really respond to one another. I am really feeling like I have a huge mental block and I am losing it. I just need a job especially a remote one which will suit my mental health. If anyone out there can help please help me. I live in South Africa. I feel alone even here no one responds.,Depression +16635,"I recently noticed that I cannot feel a thing. I recently bought a computer that I wanted and did not feel a single bit of joy, my uncle just died and I did not even feel anything. my grandma had depression and did not feel a thing. I am about to go to school and do not feel a thing about it, neither during school I feel anything. My family is passing through a tough time and I do not really care about it, worst of all, I do not feel anything. I have had many moments in the past where I think I should have felt something, but I did not feel anything.I can make myself feel emotions, sadness, happines, anger. The only thing I feel naturaly is nervousness.I am kind of worried about my behavior. is this because of depression? Can you feel?.",Depression +13562,"In my early 20s I was sexually assaulted by a friend. I had already been struggling with depression and that whole thing pushed me over the edge. After leaving the hospital, I started to make plans to move out of state. I moved very far away and stayed far away for years. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to move back. I know logically, I probably will not ever see him again, but I am terrified of running into him. I am having a hard time leaving the house and going out in public for fear that I may run into him. I also fear that I will run into a mutual friend. Idk I just kind of fear that I will run into anyone from my past during that time of my life. I basically had to cut all communication off from everyone I knew when the situation happened in the first place.So I have locked myself up in my house. I keep telling my husband that it is a mistake that we moved here but he is telling me that I am behaving irrationally and that I need to to deal with it. I do not know how. Therapy does not really work for me because no matter who I have talked to. I know I am being judged and scrutinized. Therapists are not some all knowing beings, they are just normal people with a masters who typically have the same problems. So I do not really see how they are beneficial. I have yet to find an antidepressant that does not have horrible side effects. Idk. I just do not want to be here anymore. Moved back to the place where I was assaulted",Depression +20990,"it is the hope that kills you. Time to go back to being depressed and pessimistic whilst the whole world celebrates and laughs at our misery coz of a few assholes. Dumbass bandwagonning from cunts on social media does not help. It would have been perfect too. Final at Wembley, (almost) fully packed stadium cheering on the lads. 55 years of hurt. World Cup next year. Telling myself France losing the Euros in 2016 then winning the World Cup is a good sign. But i told myself playing at Wembley this year was a good sign. England not helping",Depression +16703,"I worry if I am on it for like a year or more I will start getting sexual disfunction and stuff, I am only 16 so I really do not want this. I have been on 8mg citalopram for 4 days now and have experienced no real side effects, just maybe drowsiness and nausea but the nausea is super mild and idk if the drowsiness is really even from the meds because I have always kind of felt a lil drowsy. its not affected my sex drive at all, and i really pray and hope it does not, because I am only 16 as i said. i do not want it to ruin anything for me. if i go up to 16mg do you think it will? I am going up in only 3 days to 16mg. I am excited because I have noticed benefits with it already, like getting rid of my morning tremors that have affected me for like over a year now. everything else could possibly be a placebo... like how i feel like I am better in the morning. normally id be super angry and just tense but i have not felt tense at all really. like mentally.i only plan to be on them for maybe 6 months at most, i just worry about long term side effects, and it seems like everyone has story about it affecting their sex drive. thank God mine is still fine. but its a little weird how everyone experiences a lot of side effects the first week and i feel almost nothing... is something wrong? is it not working for me? idk. the anxiety and depression have not went away though, just a lil better on depression. i hope to see major progress though soon, and I am going to go to therapy and cbt and hopefully with help from that i can come off them and be recovered or something. but yeah, what do you guys think? how long should i stay on them to not get long term stuff? thank you. How long should I stay on antidepressants?",Depression +7396,"let us see.... where to begin. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I have 2 people I can truly call a friend, I bury myself in work (80+ hours a week), and on my spare time I sit at home alone. I hate myself 90% of the time, my depression/anxiety is a bitch, I feel like I would be better of dead, or at least alone. I crave attention, but hate when it is given. My thoughts are dark, sometimes scaring myself, its like I am in a race with myself, and I am losing. I am single, not attractive, early 30s male. I have a job, car, apt., motorcycle, etc. but something is missing. I do not actively seek out a relationship anymore, to me it seems pointless. Any ideas on how to cope? Oh, I an in no way suicidal. I just feel like I would be better off alone, falling off the radar, or dead. How to cope?",Depression +10652,For the longest time I have been under the suspension that everyone I come into contact with hates me. I am socially awkward annoying burdensome and terribly incompetent. Once I graduate college is when I am going to kill myself. I have pissed off too many people in my life. I feel like someone is going to spread rumors and destroy my career. Covid made me realize that I am worthless and the world would be better if I was dead Everyone secretly hates me,Depression +40534,at night when i fall into to pradeep kumar song enna da inga iruntha depression ah kaanom pradeepkumarsong http t co vxbeyyiunk,Depression +47122,"I need to tell someone I have to tell someone, I have to live if I can't talk to someone I know I'll die soon. I need advice or inspiration to tell my friends. Please I can't die.",Depression +16947,"this post might be kind of vent-y and a ramble but I will start by saying that i understand depression. i have bipolar ii and struggle as well, but with medication and therapy i manage it. my girlfriend, however, has been battling depression for years and has some days where she barely gets out of bed. she cries a lot and i can tell she is stressed and in pain but i do not know what i can do. she is iffy about going to therapy and she does take lexapro, but i sometimes wonder if that makes her feel more tired as a side effect. she told me she feels like she does not have the energy to get better. i love her so much and i just want to help as much as i can without her feeling guilty about it. i know that i cannot fix everything, but i would like to make life a bit easier on her. we are going to move in together soon and i think that could create more opportunities for me to help out. if anyone has any suggestions i would appreciate hearing them! what can i do for my depressed gf?",Depression +20960,"I am completely lost at this point. I finished school, got a diploma in hospitality management and realised it was a complete waste and have no interest in that industry anymore. Now I am 20 floating around minimum wage jobs lost af. I just feel like time is running out and am heading nowhere in life. I do not know what career I want to do and am to scared to take the jump. I feel like there are infinite paths infront of me and each lead somewhere but I am to scared I will pick the wrong one like I did with hospo. I tell myself I am trying to take it slow and figure it out so I do not rush into anything bad, But doing nothing makes me feel so empty and voided. Expecicialy that most people around me have some career there working towards. Completely lost in life at 20years old",Depression +20805,I have to go to my local gp and I am worried about the questions they are going to ask Can someone give me an example or something Uk: depressed and going to the GP for the first time,Depression +40272,another hungry depressed day who knew living in a shelter wa so fucking expensive lol i now have 0 left to get by i just bought two gallon of water since the tap water is probably dangerous to drink though i m trying an experiment of boiling it first to get out whatever make it weird the last time i posted here i got a bunch of troll pretending to care and then cursing me out lol like imagine being suicidal don t need to i guess lol and then imagine being even more miserable than a suicidal person that you have to extract some kind of emotional feedback from them just to feel better about yourself lmao surprisingly i still pity them more i d rather want to be dead than be an asshole who cant find happiness unless they re causing others pain especially trolling reddits where people are actually seeking help lol the lack of dignity in it like damn my 0 0 ramen and i are poor af but there s still more dignity than those troll i never thought i d say that but here we are why is it that a soon a night time hit all the thought come rushing in this feel like when i wa a kid growing up abused i had given up hope i just got by every day but i wa a shell of the person i wa or could ve been i just floated through the day hoping it wouldn t suck worse i watched a ot of cartoon to escape feel something else other than depression and pain if you allow all the feeling in let yourself feel them what happens in my mind it all go numb but maybe now it just flow or maybe this is me giving up letting it all happen anyways who care i could die here and no one would know lol i wonder if the universe ha forgotten me forsaken me said you re on your own now kid good luck and i m just standing here smiling tear in my eye holding a fucking plant and small suitcase thinking cool that s cool hope i don t kill myself hope this doesn t kill me hope i remember the person i wa trying to become or wa at least she had hope and self love now i look in the mirror and think hope you don t fuck it up kid because i don t know i don t know what else to do i mean why do i expect myself to fuck it up because a little crappy voice in my head say you fuck everything up lol fuck that that s not even my voice it s theirs fucking little narc and sociopath who ever saw their kid turning into a narc and thought let s keep him and not get intervention lol i would yeet that kid out of my life and throw it into a psych ward a if life isn t hard enough there s the scum of the earth running around getting off on other s pain pathetic i m glad they all die alone and miserable i m glad they move through life miserably i m glad they have to work so fucking hard to be happy or experience something resembling happiness before their own action ruin it all i m glad there s still good people in the world y all ever look through human being bros it s chill restores some faith in humanity like at least it s not all shit lolll i don t think anyone see me not anymore i m just a number a victim to exploit a survivor to play with a body to mess with lol they re so fucking depressing these abuser at least i lived,Depression +38599,hello guy my name is t m or soul heart in my language i have been struggling with depression for year now and reached a breaking point some time ago i have always been a quiet and lonely person and never had any close friend my circle ha been small and at time completely empty lately a i branch out socially i find myself rejected or misunderstood mental illness and emotion are not really discussed in vietnam and i have been called too sensitive and emotional it got to the point where i almost ended my life however i found a saving grace with a therapist i just wanted to hop on here and wanted to give you guy hope and love that i wasn t given you are all wonderful stay strong and know that you are worthwhile there is nothing wrong with you and emotion are thing to be treasured they help u grow and love but do not yield to the negative one,Depression +41429,capillarity n the rise or depression of a liquid in a narrow tube french related to capillary,Depression +17511,I grew up very lonely. Was mainly close to my grandmother and grandfather. My grandmother was always near death but she always rallied. She really likes being alive. I think back on how happy she was to see me all the time. she is been dead for like 25 years. I think about her a lot. Sometimes I feel like making her happy by being around was the only thing I was ever good at. My mother is getting older and I feel the same way about her. When she is gone I will not have anything to feel good about. It scares me. I think about my dead grandmother a lot. Even more when I feel depressed.,Depression +21664,"In a previous post I talked about how I could not cry. I cried today. I have a new job. I excelled at first. I hold myself to high standards. I pride myself in my work.Well today just was not my day. Nothing was going right. I guess it was obvious that I was stressed out because one of my coworkers stopped me for a second and told me you are doing a great job. I almost bursted into tears right then and there. I took my 10 and spent it in the bathroom crying. It was a knees weak heavy chest kind of cry. It has been so long since I have been reassured that I am doing a good job. I was extremely relieved. Then everything went back to normal. Numbness, dinner binging and purging. Like it never happened. I cried today",Depression +20936,After more than 8 year of being clean I have cut myself again. I feel like I am spiraling into rock bottom after I swore I will never be in that place again. I keep having flashbacks and horrible body responses to them. I do not know how to cope anymore. Reality seems so distorted. Venting after sh,Depression +37990,just a motivational quote,Depression +19563,"Hi there! I am new here and I hope this is okay to ask. I (21f) struggle with symptoms of depression due to ADHD and anxiety, but my boyfriend (23m) mainly struggles a lot with depression. Hes been traveling for work for about three months now, he visited two weeks ago and seemed very happy to be home. He recently got switched over to another job (the company he works for basically sends him and his team to different jobs as they are needed) and he hates it. Hes working from 3am-3pm and I cannot even imagine how hard that must be. Hes been struggling a lot and I am really trying to support him and stay positive, but its really hard sometimes. He barely talks to me. The most I have gotten to talk to him in the last two weeks is for 10 minutes a day. I want to be loving and understanding, because I understand how hard this is for him, but I am at a crossroad. Mainly because while I get this is very hard for him, it is for me too. As someone with anxiety (and some trauma from past relationships) I have communicated to him that I need at least a little bit of time to check up on him and talk to him. 20 minutes is enough for me. But hes been saying that because hes been depressed, he does not ever really feel like talking. I totally get that, and I do not want to because him any stress, but by doing that I am causing myself and my mental health a lot of pain. I know we can work through this, but I would really appreciate some insight or advice on this. Anything will help. Partner with depression",Depression +10853,"I just cannot do it. there is just so much shit to learn, its overwhelming, I could spend the whole day studying and I would not learn 1/100th of what I need to learn. I am most definitely not getting a job without a degree but I cannot do it, its too much. Tbh I just want to sleep and never wake up,it feels like life's over once you are done with High School I am failing college yet I feel powerless to do anything about it",Depression +12223,Nothing makes me happy anymore & I feel so alone Sad,Depression +24708,"I have been alone in my room for over a year now. have not gone out much other than the necessities. I have not seen anyone but my ex-boyfriend, but he broke up with me a bit back. I cannot keep track anymore. I have literally no one in my life now. All I do is sit at my computer. Homework. Reddit. Sleep every now and then.I feel like a ghost. I am numb. Is there anyone out there? Just want to feel like I am real",Depression +24565,"...and sometimes I block them to ""free"" them. If I do not, I constantly remind them that they can stop talking to me, block me, leave, say no, etc without consequences. But I still manage to convince myself that they are actually just afraid to.The other day, I told my friend (also 26nb) that I felt like the only reason she still talked to me was because she was afraid of me, did not really want to talk to or hang out with me, etc. This was a few weeks after I told her I had feelings for her (she assured me she still wanted to be friends; I already knew it was not reciprocal but was worried about this). But I still thought she did not want anything to do with me. She set me *straight*, but I still upset her. And I just want to know: what *is* that? What do you call it when you are paranoid you are scaring, creeping out, or abusing your friends? This is not the first time I have, or nearly have, ended a friendship because I was afraid they were too afraid to end it themselves. When my depression is at its worst, I am constantly paranoid my friends are only still my friends because they are afraid of me (26nb)",Depression +10869,I have always struggled with self confidence. I have always struggled with depression. But a new low just hit. I see friends that I love liking stunning and skinny in their bikinis. I find myself jealous and really self-consciousruminating on how I dislike my appearance. The jealousy is killing meI know its stupid but I just absolutely cannot help it. It makes me spiral into a really dark place I hate that jealousy is a part of my depression,Depression +48061,"Regular check-in post, with information about our rules and wikis Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the ""role model"" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share. + +----- + +Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can. + +We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the ""depression"" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues. + +https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support. + +YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are: + +- People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact + +- ""I'm here to help"" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The ""giving help"" wiki explains more about this. + +- Role modelling, i.e. ""achievement"" or ""advice"" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that ""internet culture"" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here. + +- Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10). + +- Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The ""what is depression"" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.",Depression +47404,I really want to cry But I just can’t physically do it at the moment. I have so many things going on and I am so overwhelmed. I just want to cry myself to sleep but instead of tears I get snot in my nose. It’s like all my tears accumulated in my nose. It’s so annoying. I just want a good cry.,Depression +47146,"Should I focus on my mental health first or my academic studies ? I am a Med student who is struggling a lot with anxiety and depression, I haven’t went to a therapist yet but I am planning to soon, however I am feeling guilt that maybe instead I should spend more time on studying or find ways to improve my academic performance (because it’s not well and is partially the reason I am depressed). +Anyways in conclusion I am wondering should I first deal with my mental health or my academics ? +(I have also been suicidal that’s probably important to mention.)",Depression +21112,"This started more than a year ago. I was thinking that I am a lost because. I tried to go to a therapist but it did not worked. In this time I tried to kms a few times but something stoped me everytime. After a few months I accepted the ideea that I need be happy with myself and I tried so hard and I found my passion, cars and bikes. When I ride I feel happy. No past no future just the moment, a small mistake and this could all end. that is my happy place, second where nothing maters.The depression was not gone but I learned how to surpress it.Three months ago I meet a girl. She showed the brightside of this thing called life. I started to fell alive and happy. I was feeling good and maybe loved but the relationship started to fall apart. I was feeling ignored and left out, I started to feel that it is going to destroy me and I talked to her and we decided to break up. I feel sad because she had some things that were not working out for her too but she did not want to tell me that. I am sad that I told her to communicate but it did not happend. I am sad because she did not tried to make the thinks work and I was willing to do anything.And here I am now. I feel sad and depresed again. I feel bored and like there is nothing left for me. I was thinking to leave my workplace but I need some money because I want to buy a new bike. At night my brain is overflowed by thoughts and I am thinking about her almost all the time I think about how good thinks could be and I am thinking about kms. I am gratefull for her presence in my life. She was the best thing that happend for me in a looong time. But now not even cruising at night could solve things. Not even drinking or smoking could not help, I keep thinking about her and how happy I felt when she was by my side.I tried meeting new people and going to social events but I feel unatural and fake and like nothing is working and like I am dead, invisible. I found a cute girl at a party an I started talking to her. We have a matching personality and we had fun that night but now I cannot even get a response from her, either she ignores me or she is not using her ig. Anyway the ideea is that I need help. I want to be strong and I do not want to feel like garbage and I cannot accept it anymore but it is hard for me to something to change and I feel like I do not deserve it.that is my story. I could use some thoughts and suggestions. Thank you for reading. I am feeling lost and I could use some help",Depression +41475,it wa just who i am a reason behind the way my mind worked it doesn t make the depression sting any le but it make it bearable to know that this is just a way of life one i don t have to spend every second trying to push away but to learn to move together,Depression +11101,I am scared of myself lol no joke not even being funny that would be cringe to me tbh. But I literally just bully myself unconsciously lol. Just stop man abhhhhh Hahahelp,Depression +40195,i lost a 0 dollar bill my mom gave me for emergency money that i have to give back to her i think that s god saying it s time for me to leave i m so poor and that wa not something i could lose i deserve to starve because of my stupid mistake i don t even deserve food i don t deserve to afford food anyway,Depression +7113,"Lockdown has been extended for another four weeks until the end of August for me. It sucks, I miss socialising and trying to enjoy the few things that bring me joy in life. Unfortunately it has to be done and hopefully will not be much longer. Until then I am down/depressed laying in bed all day with nothing to do and just being miserable. Lockdown depression.",Depression +41184,flowfy0 kenklot manlikeicey people will just be capping nonesense she died of depression yen yen the word depression wasn t even been abused then like they do now she died of blood clot disorder,Depression +14097,I numb my pain with pills that are prescribed to me because I have no relationships with anyone else and people treat me very poorly. Last week I found out I was infected with an STI from someone who already treats me like I am nothing. I am just venting here because I was crying at work I just could not hold it in. TW:,Depression +23389,"I have a couple of friends whose intelligence, ability, psychic faculties I am in awe of. it is become quite clear to me through observing myself that things that they get, I get something like 5 years later. What the hell? What is this? I am 5 years behind in development",Depression +39033,so i m f and am currently living working and studying in a different country than the one i wa born and raised in my cousin m study in our home country but very far away from home and can only visit his parent during the break my relationship with my parent wa very much strained for a couple of year due to unsolved childhood trauma and throwing blame at them for thing that were a result of their childhood trauma but after therapy our relationship improved and even though we have our fight a every family ha we are very close and talk every evening and even eat together through videocall my cousin relationship with his parent is very much strained his parent got married very late and had fertility issue so only managed to have him well into their forty due to this they really didn t have the patience to deal with their child and my cousin spent most of his childhood with our grandma because his parent wanted to have fun and not deal with a child having tantrum moreover they were very abusive they used to make him eat adult sized portion of food every meal and not let him leave the table until he finished his food and even though everyone in the family knew this wa abusive no one ever decided to do something about it luckily he ha a very fast metabolism and so far hasn t experienced any health issue due to this abuse last september he started university and apparently stopped picking up call from his parent and stopped answering text to the point that my uncle had to threaten him with cutting him off financially if he didn t start picking up the phone and texting this weekend my dad s side of the family had dinner and lunch on saturday and sunday and the topic of me and my cousin came up and my uncle and aunt out of jealousy called my relationship with my parent toxic and unhealthy because we speak to much and went on to say i don t have a life or friend hence why i always talk to them now i have friend both living with me and at work but my friend go out clubbing everyday and since that really isn t my scene i hang with them during the day and they go out at night also i didn t have a relationship with my parent for year i wa so depressed and hurt that i bearly spoke to them even though we were living in the same house now that we have worked through our issue i am enjoying my relationship with them seeing a it won t last forever i dont think our relationship is toxic or unhealthy but this ha triggered my anxiety and made me have intrusive thought and honestly i just need a little reassurance do you think my relationship with my parent is toxic and unhealthy or are my family member just being asshole,Depression +47137,"Cavei minha própria cova Eu tenho 18 anos, e nunca soube o que eu queria exatamente da minha vida, sempre tive minhas ideias, mais não pretendia chegar a os meus 18. +Eu comecei a me cortar com 16, quando a pandemia começou, eu não sei oq estava fazendo e logo minha mãe percebeu e me levou ao psicólogo, eu fiz terapia e tomei remédios pata melhorar. Infelizmente descontinuei minha medicação, de antidepressivo e sonífero por não ter dinheiro, e acabei tendo a pior ou melhor ideia possível. Tentei me suicidar com 17, e serio, eu nunca pensei que minha vida chegaria onde chegou, pq mesmo eu tentando melhorar, eu ainda achava que era ruim alguém como eu poder se sentir feliz mais uma vez. +Eu sobrevivi, mais a troco de que? Eu não tenho nada para fazer aqui, e eu sou uma inútil, pq logo eu teria uma segunda chance? Só digo que quanta mais eu pioro, mais me vem a ideia de que eu não quero morrer, eu mereço, mais não quero. Eu esperaria, se soubesse que tem algo pra mim no futuro. +Vejo meus antigos colegas de escola indo trabalhar, fazendo faculdade e criando uma família, mais eu ainda sou uma garota de 16. Que não cresceu, que não cresce com o tempo. A ideia que eu tenho é que eu já morri, mais estou tentando alcançar a luz, a luz da minha cova, que eu mesma cavei, eu deveria estar morta, pq eu ainda insisto em querer viver?",Depression +38263,so in the next chapter of wanting to kill myself the psychiatrist changed my medication and a a result i am currently prescribed these two new bad boy ha anyone had any luck with them,Depression +7138,"It sucks.I had been suspicious that they would already excluded me when on social media I saw them as a group talking about inside jokes and life updates that everyone but me knew. And in a recent post, someone confirmed that they have a new group chat.I have been under the worst depressive period ever, after doing so well in 2019, and because I was not ready to socialize and talk about mundane things with them or joke around with them, I told them I will just be with myself for a while. They were initially understanding, and then as time went on I just noticed the group chat became inactive.These are the same people who made fun of me behind my back all because I privately chided one of them (my closest friend) for being so carelessly ignorant about Covid. For context, vaccination rollout in my country is slow, transmission is highhe is living with a senior who in the past tested positive; and his sister tested positive for Covid twice too (she works in the hospital). So as a concerned friend I would tell him not to go out unless it is essentialand since we have a super close bond I did not really think about me being overbearing; we have been friends for almost 20yrs and this is how we are to each other.Once during a call, he let it slip that on one of his numerous dinners out he, being the jokester that he was, made fun of me with my friends for acting like his mom. And that hurt me because it was a private matter, and now he has painted me as this kill-joy, paranoid person. And that gutted me.it is one of the reasons I started to feel distant from that group, and when they started to be cold after I told them how I would been struggling with my mental health, that settled it.I am sorry for ranting. But I feel absolutely alone. They were my closest circle of friends, top tier. And then I am shunned just because I am no longer fun to be around with.It feels like we are all in high school again when I would feel anxious or depressed, and they would choose to hang out with our other classmates who are louder, extroverted, and down to play whenever.Depression sucks. But having friends like that sucks harder. My friends made a new group chat where I am excluded ever since I told them (in the original GC) that I might not be able to interact much because I am having a depressive period.",Depression +24606,"I am having one of those days where everything just feels empty and it is like I cannot find anything to do. I have been thinking about going to sleep but I really should not, I have a delicate sleep schedule and I need to be able to go to school and work at the right times.Is there any easier way to get through this? What do I do?",Depression +47685,"Is this really my life? Being alive feels like a punishment and being ""ugly"" just makes it worse. I feel like I've committed a grave sin just for looking the way I do. + +I feel like such a fuck up right now. My social anxiety just keeps getting worst and it's even worse when I go out in public and I keep thinking about all the mistakes that I've made and how I'm seen as less than everybody. + +I hate my fucking self rn. I hate my fucking face and my life and just every fucking thing about me. I hate that I'm mentally unstable and... + +I'm so tired. I really don't want to die but I don't want to really be here. I wish I could restart my life and make better choices. Maybe things would be better for me rn. + +I hate that I expect myself to be perfect 24/7 and then get all frustrated when I can't meet those expectations and just beat myself up.",Depression +40620,i am vengeance batman is just emo if we had a superhero his tag line would be i am economic depression,Depression +13586,"Feeling blue right now. I am sure you all know what this means and how it feels like. do not even have the energy to write further. Wish I could just sleep until a better time comes. When they say oh I am so happy you called me, they mean I would never call you first.",Depression +22669,"I have lost interest in everything. I have no drive. I do not care about talking to anyone. Every day I stare at the wall and wonder why I continue existing. I feel so worthless I have made no great accomplishments, relationships have been failures. I do not want to kill myself, really. Though I wish something could take me away from this world, from this existence. My eating disorder or all of the health issues I have ignored and let fester. I do not want the responsibility of my life, I want it taken from me. At this age my parents life turned into a mental health nightmare, and I fear that I am headed down the same path. My family is riddled with mental health and addiction issues. It feels like there is no escape from this hell. I am sinking away and watching every bit of light fade from my view. I often wish for something tragic to take me away",Depression +41204,waldodior teamkhabib i wa taught the same thing and wa bullied all through my high school year i have serious resentment because of it and depression which grew because i had to suffer in silence i will teach my kid to fight back if they feel threatened in anyway,Depression +39453,it s 09 am rn and it doesn t surprise me because i am used to this i have trouble sleeping because i always think about shit that ha gone wrong in my life and that is a lot i want to socialize have friend be funny i used to be when i wa back home with my friend i am learning in the u now but i always feel mute like i want to speak but i can t because i have a stomach feeling that shit is gon na go wrong so i just fake laugh and smile and it get awkward really fast and it becomes added to one of the thing that keep me up at night i also do weird stuff like smile weirdly curse under my breath or shake my hand or smth weird like that to distract from sudden flash of memory i have throughout my day and when i tell u it happens every damn day every damn minute or two i am not distracting myself in oh myyyy i just live everyday not wanting to wakeup wanting to die if course people around me don t know that i am just weirdly quiet to them anyway thought do i have anxiety,Depression +39979,i have never been a good person i think being a bad person wa hard wired into me and i don t think i can separate myself from the bad i ve done unspeakable unforgivable thing that i can t atone for i m both a bully and a coward with so many issue that my therapist couldn t find a solution i ve written ton of letter so people can understand my exact thought process and why i need to do this it doesn t even make me sad anymore it just feel like something that need to happen,Depression +14899,"I cannot be like others, yes I am myself but I am isolated from the world. I dint fit in, I only find friends online and most of the time it ends up bad. I am sitting here balling my eyes out trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I want to run away from everything mentally and physically but I cannot I am stuck. Unwanted/different",Depression +14595,"it is not even something I can work towards. I just do not like the life I have been given. I want a big happy family, instead of my small family where my dad died when I was young, my mom's emotionally distant, and I do not have any siblings. I want a body I love, or even LIKE, but I hate a lot about myself that I cannot change without plastic surgery. I want to have been born to a well-off family, so I would not have had to spend my childhood poor and my adult life struggling to catch up. I want a world where my friends did not all move away, or even where it is just safe to go outside. And if I am being really honest? I would like a world with some real magic in it, where things are fun and exciting. This world is just suffer, work and die. I know a lot of people say ""it is hard to get out of bed,"" but I have been struggling lately. The other day I had to go lay down because I was so depressed/exhausted, I could not even sit at my computer. I just do not have hope anymore. I want a different life",Depression +22906,"This is as close I can describe my ""feelings"" or lack of them.I suffered from mild to moderate depression over 10 years (I am male turning 30 soon). I was on antidepressants but they did not help much so I stopped them years ago. There were times when things were good. Now I wake up every morning and I feel I lack purpose even though I have more money than I need. When I was depressed and poor I kept thinking money will solve all problems, so I focused on making money and it really did make me feel less depressed... for awhile.After that the depression came back but now it cannot be managed. I do not feel ""less depressed"" if I buy anything (car, clothes or whatever), I feel like absolutely nothing brings me joy.People sometimes offer me to go out and do something and sometimes I go but I feel bored all of the time like - is this all there is to life?I do not like the way people are these days - mindless consumers that lost their mind on making money. As Jim Carrey said - I wish everyone to make them so you understand that this is not the real answer.I cannot let people inside my life easily so my romantic life also suffers. I enjoy the small things - walking in the park alone, looking at the sunset or sitting at my apartment looking at the mountain, sometimes I also travel but I feel I wasted my life. From the outside people always tell me - ""You did so much"" but I feel absolutely worthless. Sometimes I think if it is my time to go and I do not have kids I will just donate everything to some hospital and that is it since I do not like most of my relatives.I feel alone and without real purpose. My friends are getting married, having babies and so on and I am alone in this world.I am not looking exactly for advice, I just wanted to vent out. Wish all the best to everyone here :) Emptiness",Depression +40672,an ex muslim miss veedu vidz http t co z nqoa u exmuslim mentalhealth depression apostasy http t co hoap9arrmw,Depression +8368,"Like, wtf is wrong with me yo. Literally never enough..",Depression +19710,"I am 25 years old. I have struggled with social anxiety, depression, disordered eating and gender dysphoria since I was 13. Twelve years of suffering. This past year-and-a-half the pandemic came along, of course, and destroyed any improvements I might have made prior to it (even if some of those were admittedly a bit of a facade, me convincing myself and others I would improved because ""I am doing this good thing now and I am not doing that bad thing anymore""). The pandemic has affected everyone in different ways; I feel like it is effects for me have been multiple and some of then I am feeling far more now (at the ""end"" of lockdown) than I ever did during the height of lockdown.there is the enforced isolation, which has increased my social anxiety tenfold, to the point where the loosening of restrictions only means I am isolating even more because there is too many people outside and I cannot cope with them seeing me, looking at me, interacting with me, forming an opinion of me - even a split-second, meaningless judgement is terrifying. I know it is irrational, but social anxiety has this way of making the irrational fears so loud and intrusive that they can become self-fulfilling. I can rationally say to myself, ""nobody cares, nobody's looking at you"". Then I take a 5 minute walk to the shop and have a panic attack due to being so overwhelmed with anxiety. Well now everyone is looking at you, because you are staggering around hyperventilating clutching your chest like you are having a heart attack, you dumb shit. Then there is all the time spent alone with my own thoughts, ruminating over every little thing I have ever said and done, punishing myself and berating myself for things I said without thinking back in ""normal"" times when face-to-face social interaction was a daily occurrence so I let my guard and filter down. I do not just mean cringey moments (although I have plenty of those too), but cruel or thoughtless comments and actions which honestly just make me a terrible human being. Then there is the doomscrolling. Literally, on news websites etc. but also figuratively, in my own mind, which was arguably the master of spiralling into negative and pessimistic thoughts about the world long before ""doomscrolling"" was even a term. Thinking about how we got here and where we are headed and how fucked up the world is. Overpopulation and overconsumption and human selfishness and speciesism mean future pandemics and local and global travesties are only going to get more common. This is not the ""end"", it is just the beginning. Climate change is always on my mind, to some degree. I feel helpless and hopeless, I do not believe humanity will change enough or in time to save this planet. I do the things I can, but I am painfully aware I could be doing more and be more of an activist if I was less depressed and self-pitying. I am also painfully aware that I could do everything in my power and it would not scratch the surface, so long as huge money-obsessed corporations continue to because more destruction in a day than I could in a year, even if I did not bother to try at all. My gender dysphoria is worse because I was forced to sit with my thoughts and acknowledge it for what it really is and always has been. Denial is not healthy, but it sure feels better sometimes than admitting an uncomfortable truth to yourself. And once you admit that truth? You have to fight tooth and nail to get the things required to finally feel comfortable in your own damn skin. I am lucky that coming out was relatively safe and painless for me in terms of others' reactions, and I am so grateful for that. But boy is it a lot of work having to repeatedly ""prove"" your identity to strangers, while constantly second-guessing it yourself (hello, imposter syndrome), only to be told everything is a 3 year wait and costs thousands. Fill out this form and take this test and pay for this consultation and even then you are not our ideal candidate, so we will get back to you. it is exhausting and I have so little fight left in me. Giving up means giving up any possibility that I will ever be happy but sometimes I still want to, just because I am tired of it. That last sentence was about my gender dysphoria, sure, but it is also how I feel about life as a whole. Suicide is giving up. A dead person cannot be happy, but they cannot be miserable either. I am also in physical pain that I cannot get looked at by a medical professional because the doctors need photo ID to update my name, which I do not have. My back and knees are a steady 3/10 when busy or distracted. 7/10 when I try to sleep, unless I am blackout drunk. 9/10 if I smoke weed, for some reason. Everyone talks about weed helping with pain, but if I smoke I am damn near calling myself an ambulance just to get high-strength painkillers because my back hurts so much. I feel fairly sure the physical pain is related to a sedentary lifestyle. I sit at work all day, then I sit and watch TV or go to bed early, I do not exercise because I am scared to go outside and besides I have no motivation. It cannot be good for me and I think my body is trying to tell me that. Every time I try to end a post like this I think of something else, another reason I feel so suicidal. Maybe I should focus on the positives? I am young, maybe not in tip-top physical condition but probably fixable to a decent standard of health/comfort with the right treatment and effort. I live in a wealthy country with access to everything I could ever need. I have a job, I am financially independent, I can make rent and pay for food and even luxuries. I have a family who love me (especially my mum, who means everything to me). I could probably be fairly attractive if I worked out and took better care of myself. I am not unintelligent and I have some compassion, so I could probably do things to help people and better the world if I put more effort in. All of these positives just fill me with so much guilt. I do not deserve these benefits or opportunities, they are wasted on me. Focusing on the positives makes me wish someone else could take my place and be in my position and make full use of it, so I could just be dead. I just want to kill myself. I just want to kill myself",Depression +26225,"I have been depressed for months now and its starting to feel like its not just a temporary lack of chemicals or whatever. I feel shitty in a way that feels like a perfectly natural response to my life, my shortcomings, my regrets, my stupidity, my cowardess. It also feels like a normal response to how shitty, random, difficult, and scary life is. Has anybody been able to overcome this? Is it truly just my distorted view of things right now or is this something that will never get better no matter what I do? Depression or just reality?",Depression +47769,"On and off depression? For 2 weeks I’m good and feel like things are looking up and then it’s like a switch where everything turns to shit. + +In the bad weeks, I can’t leave the house and everyone is unbearable which really affects my life. Has anyone dealt with this and does anyone have any tips? + +Side note, I’ve been on every medication and refuse to use it anymore.",Depression +11901,"I am a Mechanical engineer and earning around 6 lakh INR pa (8k USD per year) . I was happy when I got the job as it very hard in my country to get a decent job in any field other than software engineering. My salary is also above avg as per Indian standards but when I hear about my friends getting placed in companies like Google, amazon and earning 10 times more than me. I feel like what am I even doing with my life.My family's financial background is very poor. To get rid of that I studied hard and got into my country's one of the best college but the mistake was to choose a dead branch. Only if I chose computer science at that time. My life would be different. I do not know what to do its not my friends fault that they are earning more than me then why it is so depressing why cannot I just be happy for them. No matter what I do I cannot earn that much. How do you cope with your friend earning more than you?",Depression +41279,i wa one of them it still haunt me and i m unsure if i ll ever let go of having to endure month without support with a newborn and a year old whilst suffering post natal depression i m still feeling the effect nearly two year later pregnantscrewed butnotmaternity,Depression +47447,"Idk where else to vent I so depressed and I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want it getting back to my ex. He broke up with me a little bit ago because he’s dealing with his own mental health stuff. He didn’t want to hurt me in the process or hurt our relationship and pushed me away. I didn’t see it coming. He was happy with me and us but not himself. I thought he’d let me be there for him. I don’t want him to find out I’m struggling too and worry I just want him to get better. But I miss him so much and miss talking and seeing him everyday. He’s my best friend and I wish we could just be there for each other right now. +Ever since the break up I’ve just had more added to my plate. My grandma is sick, my friends who should be there for me right now aren’t, and my work is having more layoffs in an already terrible job market. +I struggle to find joy in anything right now. I wake up everyday just so sad and I cry daily. I sleep too much and yet I have nightmares and trouble staying asleep. I barley have an appetite I’ve lost over ten pounds in a month. +I know he cares and hopes this isn’t the end for us too but all the uncertainty in my life is so hard to deal with. +I’m just so stressed and sad. It’s so hard to grasp my current reality. I miss him so much. I’m trying to take care of myself but everything is hard right now.",Depression +24026,I want to be friends with someone who relates to me and how I feel but at the same time I feel like we would just make each other worse. This community,Depression +41488,divya gandotra to be in continuous state of doubt anxiety and depression that s their motto it seems,Depression +8022,"I haveLiterallyDoneNothingAll dayThese past couple days I thought could finally start to work on something, at least do what I enjoy doingBut then I realizedI do nothing but lay in bed and stare at my phone the whole dayNot even doing social media, I just... WatchI do not care what I watch as long as it makes me numb to this painEven just... Sitting down on my pc feels bad now, I immediately feel tired and I want outI constantly feel like a complete idiot, because I have something I want to do, I have ideas but then when I want to do it, it is like I transform in a completely different person, uncapable of everything and it is so frustrating because if only I could do it... I may have a chance to see the light again And I feel upsetMy anxiety is so bad that I want to do nothing but eat until I cannot anymore, which is impossibleAnd I cannot exercise, because the moment I think about it, I cry, I get angry and want to do nothing else but self harm, does any of my family members care about it? No, they continue to bully me about my weight and threaten me to get over my feelings about itWhat am I?Is this really real life?Because I want outI really want my life to be over, because I am not using it, on anything, and nothing will ever feel good again, I was an idiot and believed that things could turn betterBut the world is not the problemMy circumstances are not the problemI am the problemAnd problems have to disappear Worthless",Depression +47304,"this isn’t the same place even though it’s literally the same place physically. When I look back 1 year ago for example, it’s not so much that it feels like life has changed, but more like it’s absolutely not the same reality. I’m in the exact same house that I was in, the exact same rooms, and the exact same backyards, but it’s just not the same place. It felt like a different world, despite there being very few things different from the environment. + +It generally isn’t very distressing but it gets in the way when I wanna be happy again. I don’t know how to completely explain this phenomenon but I do know that it’s mental.",Depression +24314,"for this small victory I have worked years to get, I have finished the academic part of school and now going in to aprentiship, I have worked for this for years, its taken so much damn efort, and yet i feel nothing, I am just reminded of my dead dreams and hopes that i can never reach, i know i will be stacking shelfs for the rest of my life, and i know there is nothing i can do about it, i feel powerless, 10 year old me would cry if they knew this was how they where going to end up, I have become everything i never wanted to be, what a sham and this will just be something i will have to live with, becasue dreams are for the lucky and deturmined, not broken husks like me I have goten to where I have worked years to be, and i feel nothing",Depression +10050,"I am currently on 187.5mg of venlafaxine/effexor and am still depressed. Venlafaxine helped me concentrate and be more productive and did wonders for my ibs, but it did not really help the mood. I have tried a lot of meds and tend to get the akathisia or insomnia side effect from medications (list in comments). These are my next options, and I do not know which one to try first:1)switch to fluoxetine2)switch to vortioxetine 3)add lamotrigine (It gave me really bad insomnia last time I tried, but maybe if I titrate up more slowly it could be okay?)4)Increase my venlafaxine dose. I know that venlafaxine has more noradrenergic effects at higher dosages and was wondering what that usually translates to in terms of how it makes you feel? Is vortioxetine (or fluoxetine) that different of a med that it would be worth tapering off venlafaxine to switch to that? I have read that Vortioextime is great for cognitive symptoms, but I do not know if it is otherwise pretty similar? I also have really bad sensory processing issues if that makes a difference! Thanks! Switching antidepressants- what to try next?",Depression +39501,i wish there wa a reddit thing for friendship breakup but since november 0 i ve been repeatedly crushed by a now ex best friend who i never wanted to let go of it s my fatal flaw forgiving ppl who don t deserve it i always get bitten in the as and never learn from it the manipulative people in my life have torn my down over and over and bc i m literally a fucking doormat i don t want to explain everything with this specific friend but part of what keep hurting me is that i see picture and am reminded of good memory we ve had and all of a sudden i miss them or i ll see picture from when i wa happy and i m brought to tear over the fact that i m convinced it s all my fault i wish i could delete my social medium and throw my phone into another galaxy but sometimes thing like snapchat and tik tok make me happy so then i don t do that why am i like this why do people walk away from me so easily why do i let those people in just for them to walk out again,Depression +16715,"I typically like to isolate myself because I do not like being around others due to my past. Middle school I was bullied for my height and apperance, high school Made a couple of dumb mistakes just for clout only to get punished for it. I pretty try to change but I realized that lots of people will constantly use your past against you no matter what, ever since then, I have kept my distance from mostly everything. I stay away from making new friends because I fear the unknown, people younger than me because I do not want strangers to possibly get the wrong idea about me, and I mostly keep my social media usage low because of how toxic it can get. I think my obsession with lonelyness is a bit unhealthy but I do not want people to keep using my past against me, it is unfair no matter how hard I try to change. is it normal to stay away from everyone because you fear of getting in trouble if caught with the wrong people or in the wrong place at the wrong time?",Depression +40211,im now and my entire fucking life people have laughed at me every day i get told negative thing about my body and personality every fucking day a while back i reached out to my friend about self harm all they did wa joke around and tell me to cut myself deeper now i told them about suicide and they did exactly the same they even gave me method on how to do it i just wan na die i wan na stop existing and then everything will be over why is it so hard for them to understand this is serious i don t get it,Depression +22878,Anyone else use weed to cope? I do. It normally helps me cheer up and become more social but sometimes it makes me paranoid/anxious/depressed/insomniac Weed,Depression +8236,I have found myself in a mental rut lately. It seems to come in cycles. I have spent most of my days in bed. Have been canceling dates. Been ghosting the ones I care about. I do not know what to do. I am wasting my 20s worrying about things that have not even happened yet. I do not know why its so hard for me to accept happiness or allow people to love me. I think I have been down too long that I have started to glamorize being sad. Shit post,Depression +15767,I woke up today and after feeling slightly better for maybe six months I got a letter in the mail my insurance company is reevaluating my claim for long-term disability. I feel like I just went through their evaluation by other MDs a year ago and now they sent a whole package of information for me and my doctor to complete. I am so tired of being in pain everyday and struggling to get through a regular non-work day. I lost my job because of mental and physical health and there is nothing to go back to. How can they do this evaluation again? What if my doctors do not say the correct things on the forms. What if my psychiatrist retires next year? I am shaking with fear because the only way I am surviving is on disability and I was ready to end my life before they took me out of work. I just cannot do it. I am so tired and afraid. I am shaking with fear and dread. I cannot feel this way again. Insurance Reevaluating Disability - Any Experiences or Help?,Depression +40959,pjakma gadboit probably did well for mental health too a friend of ours who life in sweden came over to the uk last year and said literally everyone he met here had at least mild depression,Depression +12126,"I often keep thinking of what would go on during my funeral when I get in my depressive mood. It really does replay over and over again everyother day. It raises multiple questions revolving this piqued but morbid interest. Questions such as, who would come to it? How many are friends? Who does not show up? How many become emotional? Am I worthy of such a grave or ceremony? Just being depressingly curious. Really cannot stop thinking about stuff like this instead of focusing on more important things going on. Really does take a toll and it sucks to deal with. Daydreaming my funeral",Depression +48124,"Help with new eating pattern!!! Hello, all. Thank you for taking the time to listen! I recreantly have been on a weight loss journey and have lost roughly 100 pounds in 3 months. I did this by exercising for a few hours a day and being careful of what I eat or drink. + +These last two weeks though, I have been bingeing and eating like there is no tomorrow. An adventure that is driving me insane and, honestly, depressed. I still work out and such. During the daytime I am happy and on cloud-9; the feeling that anything is possible and the world is my oyster. At night though, I get depressed and always have these cravings for sugary food. Even though I do not want the food, I end up indulging. + +I hate myself for doing this. I do not want to go back to being overweight moreso than I currently am. Does someone have any tips or suggestions for my conundrum?",Depression +9287,"Everything is fuckedThe Earth is fucked. Climate change is just going to get worse and at this point I cannot do anything about it. The corporations and billionaires are just going to keep exploiting and raping the world of all of its treasures and natural beauties. I do not want to live in a world that is on its death bed. what is the point of going to college right now when I am not going to get a good job anyways. I may as well drop out and get a shit job because that is what Ill end up with no matter what. would not it be better if I just killed myself and rid the world of one less wasteful person? Population is an issue anyways. I do not want to work my entire life, never being able to retire. I fucking hate that I am addicted to my phone because its one of the only things I can occupy myself with without cutting myself to shreds. I became an adult last year and all I wish I could do is either die or go back to the ignorance and bliss of childhood. I want to be a happy idiot instead of a sad one. All that would make me happy is for me to live in the woods away from all people until I starve. I used to want to study film in school, and now that I am, all I want to do is quit. There is no money in making films when you have no talent or skill. I made the deans list after torturing myself this year as a freshman and instead of feeling any accomplishment, I just feel like I have to make it again this year or Ill just quit school all together. It does not even mean much because I am a fucking film student. I am wasting my time with a major that is a scam. The only issue is that there is nothing else in the world that I would study. I am stuck. I am not talented and I do not even know if I enjoy film so now I am just going to be stuck with a major that will not give me and chance of success in life.I am so done with this bullshit world but Id be lying if I were to say that I was going to kill myself. I do not even have the balls for that. I think about it every day but I am not brave enough to do it. I may even join the military and hope that I can die. I really need someone to just listen",Depression +10062,"Story of my life, right? My life is on such a downward spiral and it is all my fault. I cannot handle real life responsibilities and so I just gave up on life. I have no motivation or willpower. All I do is go to work, go home, procrastinate and play games until I am tired, cry and then do it all over again the next day. I wake up everyday and I go to the same old shitty part time minimum wage job. Everytime I try to crawl out of this pit of depression, I just fall right back down. I tried improving myself with school to try and get out of my shit job, but I cannot even study without being distracted and so now I am 3 weeks overdue on my homework with no desire to do homework anytime soon. I feel so guilty about it, but I cannot bring myself to sit down and learn. I am severely in debt because I am an impulse shopper, and I have never been in a relationship in the 24 years I have been alive on this shit hole, so I have no one to even share how I feel (not even family cares or understands what I am feeling either). I feel so trapped in my eternal depression cycle. There are so many things in my life that make me want to end my life, but the only thing that is keeping me here is my survival instinct. I hate it here.How come everyone else seems to have their shit together, but me? Why cannot I just be a normal functioning human with a normal brain? I know everyone has their baggage, but why the hell does it feel like I am at the very very bottom of the barrel?Does anyone else feel the same way or relate? I want to end my life so bad but I am too scared (vent)",Depression +7551,"I am 20 year old male. I am struggling with depression for so long, that i cannot even remember when i started feel depressed. I have been depressed my most of my life and never, ever think that ending my life as a solution, but in the past few mounths I have been thinking alot about killing myself alot because i cannot see a way out. I do not think I am going to be able to normal. I cannot even remember when i was normal like not even happy but normal. I am a virgin and never had any relationships. I have tried bunch of times but everytime i tried i got rejected, friendzoned and sometimes got blocked. Last year i decided to stay platonic, i said myself ""well if i do not propose i do not get rejected"" that worked not well but better than be heart broken. My past is full of pain and betreyal. My parents divorced because they cheated eachother. I was 14 when they got divorced and i kept all my anger inside then. I still keeping all of my anger inside because I am afraid to let it out, i do not know what kind of monster would id be turning into and do not know if i ever be able to come back. Well that is my story thank you for reading it. I needed to write somewhere and this was the only place that come to my mind. is death really the only way out?",Depression +22327,"there were rules to which obeyed, standarts...Living in a charade thy was all. No real purpose can save you when you are mentally ill. I have OCD non responsive to meds. Everday I lose a part of my identity. Constant fight beetween two spheres of my brain. I was a star dust and I am ready and fulfilled in life to go back to where everthing started. I love my friend Yamur which is a mix of passion and love and charity. I can do anything for her if I had been healthy enough.I love my family too they matter a lot. But I can not tolerate my daily melancholic suicidal depression and obsessions just for the sake of them. The world has no rules on grand scale no justice no purpose. we have to distract our mind and create and illusion each second just to forget we exist. Yes we exist and this must be a bad joke. We are walking to the eventual death of us each day. Some of us only suffer while some of us can be happy in their distraction.For example the girl I loved we are texting only Ilove her so much without even seeing her face and voice. Yet I know she will never meet with me nor can I touch her ever. On top of that void calls me. I always dreamt of jumping from bosphurus bridge. Before jumping I ll look to mu childhood photos family photos and the photos of the girl I deeply fell love in. I do not want to lose and tarnish this love. Call me coward probably right. Anyway sleeping pills and jumping from Bosphurus to crystsl blue current will be my choice. Maybe the only time I would be free just before dying. Such a misery. I will become a part of eternal silence until maybe I revorn again after for example another Big Bang. or maybe never who knows maybe we a simulation of a 4th grade student out of our real . And some day our universr will cease to exist to no avail.I want to thanks to reddit which is full of nice and also weird people. people who shows their true selves.I love you Yamur and it ll be forever.And my family do not morn after me for finally am I free.In another life brothers bye. My Suicide Note: was just a passenger",Depression +47161,"i hate myself i really hate myself so much, like i’m basically the worst… it’s impossible for me to even keep friends they always end up hating me like why can’t i just be normal like everyone else? my mind just spirals making me think about stuff i don’t want to and making me more and more depressed which then ends up making people i talk to hate me which then makes everything even worse like what’s even the point of my existence",Depression +23836,"I (44/M) had depression and anxiety issues when I was 22 years old. I had been put on Paxil for 5 years and then I quit.I feel good most of the time but I still have panick attacks on occasion. I have a hard time getting the necessary motivation to complete tasks (I started over 20 new IT projects and completed none of them). I get new passions every months and I quit them as fast as they came.Because of arythmia problems I had to quit coffee 4 years ago (I was a heavy drinker).Every now and then I allow myself a cup of coffee.Right after drinking it, I feel soooooo good!! My mind is clear, I am so motivated by everything: calling friends to hang out, starting a new programming projects or completing existing ones, playing sports, reading a book, cleaning the AC unit, etc. Suddenly my day is wonderful and I do not want the ""buzz"" to end.I feel like some people are in this state of mind all day long.Therapy does not bring me into this state. I feel like it is biological.I am not depressed per se but I would feel much better if I could be in this state all the time.Is it more like a drug effect or do you think that I could reach this state of mind for a long period of time (either by taking prescription drugs or by any other mean)? I would like to feel like that all the time",Depression +22829,"I am 24, graduated with a bachelor's degree 3 years ago in a field I actually like, married the woman of my dreams.Last year I moved back to my country of birth. Mother works here, supports me in continuing my studies that I picked back up last year, so I can land a good job and eventually fly my wife over and start a life.But it is all falling apart before I am even able to lay the foundations.I am having a hard time keeping up with classes. I have failed most of my finals and have to do a bunch of retakes. On top of that I lack the ability to function in this society. I have no friends, no social skills.I cannot face my mother or my wife with this. I know I do not have it as bad as others but I am at the end of my wits. I have never felt so alone.I am slowly losing my mind. Every night I get more and more thoughts of just ending it all.I do not know what to do. I am not good enough",Depression +47190,"Brain can’t function after a depression episode I am just curious that is there anyone just like me. If yes, I really need some advice. + +I recently had a very bad depression episode few days ago, and even though I am done with the episode and my emotions are more stable right now, my brain doesn’t seem to be functioning in any way. + +I thinking of everything but nothing at the same time. Like I really can’t catch my thoughts or even think anything logically or sensibly. And I feel like a zombie, just do everything based on experience and instinct. + +And the worst part is, people don’t understand that because you look completely normal and functional. They think you’re fine now because you stop crying or being depressed. You can finish normal tasks or conversation because you are in autopilot mode, but when it comes to something that requires more brainpower, you are broken. + +And sometimes it takes weeks or months to really snap out it but life doesn’t give you the luxury of doing that. It stresses me out. + +How on earth do I suppose to do to deal with this?",Depression +21271,"I do not even enjoy anything anymore. I just do shit to pass the time. there is times where I cannot control it, I just burst into tears. I feel the most suicidal I have ever been before and I know that I need to kill myself because I have no future and cannot even leave the house alone. I have no friends because I am boring and can barely text back. I just want to be in bed for the rest of my life. I am going to be forever alone because I am too much of a hassle to deal with. I do not want to hurt my mother but I do not want to go through the pain of losing her either. Considering suicide.",Depression +16353,"I always feel like people feel this way abt me. that is the reason why I hate talking to people like what the internet says. It does not help. Makes me feel more like a burden. Well..I mean I already did tried to talk her out of her negative thoughts on so many occasions. But she is just not changing. Still the same complaints on her depression. it is not that I do not care. I did try. Whether or not she took my advice and try to change, that is on her.",Depression +9374,"I was going to type out all the shitty things that just happened to me but now I am getting less upset and more numb. Either way what I need to get out is I was upset and instead of my dad giving me the space that I needed he forcefully held me in place, while I was telling him to let go, forced me to look into his eyes as he attempted to comfort me? Not even like a hug just trapped me. I have never felt so violated in my life. It made me feel 10 times worse and I started crying writing this just thinking about it again. Had a shit night and now morning. I do not know how long I can deal with this anymore.",Depression +18726,"I (17) have spent the last school year seeing my school counsellor every week. Honestly, she is the best and the greatest support I could have had, and helped me get diagnosed through all the suckiness of my parents not believing in mental illness. She emailed my teachers on my off days, checked in with me before big tests, believed me. And this Friday will be the last time I see her because she is leaving.My question is, how do I cope? Its honestly devastating, as Ill be losing my main support, and I have grown to admire her as a person. Also, what will I do next year if I have a problem or something happens that she would normally help with? I will not be able to have emergency sessions with her anymore.I know this is possibly all sounding a little bit silly, but she has helped me a lot, and honestly? I just feel really, really sad, and I am scared Ill get into a funk after saying goodbye. My school counsellor is leaving. What do I do?",Depression +21898,"I hope this is not cringey or whatever, I am new here on reddit and I thought maybe I can feel better reading strangers' advice on the internet.Anyway, i do not know how common it is but when I am in a depressive episode I want to cry all the time, but not because I am sad, I do not know how to explain but my eyes just start to tear when something reminds me I am failure or not worthy or whatever, but I never cry at that moment, the problem comes when I am finally in my room, alone, at nights, when I can fully cry whatever the hell I want but nothing come out, why does this happen?I really want to kick out this bad feeling with crying, maybe it will work, but I am just blocked, cannot cry but also cannot feel other thing like joy or simple peace.Thank you in advance for your help. I want to feel better",Depression +13240,"I am a useless piece of shit. I am not worth any love or attention. I want this live to be fucking over... I tried several times ans it didint worked. I am too pathetic to even take my own live.... I have people that depend on me si i cannot go. But i cannot do it any much longer , I am tired useless and a fucking mess. Why continue...to be sader and sader... I feel like it is never going to end... These black ideas goes trough my mind every fucking days since i was 10.. I am 31 married with a kid but it never goes away , the fucking pain of existence.... I want this to be done",Depression +19537,"Sorry in advance for lengthy post. To start, my husband (41) & I (40) have been together for about 25 years. I have gone through dark stages in my life. Suicidal thoughts + failed attempts. I used work as a coping method but I did not get anywhere with my work. still a manager while an account assistant I worked with 10+ years ago is now a Director. Due to unexpected post partum complication, I was hospitalized after giving birth. Hormone roller coaster. Zero visitors b/c of Covid. Finally was on antidepressant. I stopped them after hospital discharge. Fast forward to now, I start to feel that our marriage and feelings for each other has changed. I understand dynamics change with a baby but why do I always feel hes cheating? Sex life is nonexistent since pregnancy. We were both very excited and blessed with this child as conceiving was difficult. the happiest moment in our lives became the saddest at the same time. Enduring the pain of not being able to see my newborn meanwhile , He took care of our baby himself. Its as if we fought our own battles. It was not easy for both of us & I thought it would only make us stronger. Yet why do I feel the opposite?I have had similar episodes before where I feel our marriage is failing & all I wanted was to leave this world. I have started having same sad feelings. Sensitivity level is high. quickly boils down to a failed relationship. he has not been sleeping well the past few days. The other day he suddenly woke up and went for his morning walk with the dog. Typically, wed go together. I called him as I could not see him at the park. Finally he came back and I asked him where he was & that I called him five times. He pulled out his phone & said he had it on silent somehow. I do not know why my first instinct was that he met up with someone. Maybe because his walk was much longer than usual? I know hes been bothered by work lately but my first thought his insomnia was possibly because this other woman is pregnant or something(?)Yesterday was tough. I was sick to my stomach with the feeling hes definitely seeing someone. I was quite certain hell leave us. That He has already forgotten about our baby, our love, our excitement when we first learned of the news. Thoughts came rushing in. Sadness swelled up my body. I had thoughts of leaving, I craved alcohol and had a few sips. The feeling of leaving this world was strong. The emptiness. The feeling that you have lost everything. The pain of feeling sorry for bringing my child here. The disgusted feeling of being weak and feeling like a coward. I am not even qualified to be a mom and my baby will be better off without me. Our baby turned one and still young so maybe husband will Be able to find a better mom. And while holding my baby to sleep, I asked if I can bear not being able to see the beautiful smile, hear the laughter and chuckles. And as the thoughts came about, they flooded my eyes. I feel I am doing more harm than good to my baby. Will my baby forgive me? knowing its probably better developmentally , does it matter if I am forgiven?Perhaps it would have been better for everyone if I had just died with the complication last year. Tired of battling in my head",Depression +47150,"as a lil experiment, i decided to start answering ""no"" to ""are you ok?"" The results: not a damn thing changed. They asked, listened to the response, and left. that question means literally nothing lmao.",Depression +47372,"I challenge you to make me cry. I have been feeling for a few days, almost weeks now that I need a cry. And for some reason or another, I just can’t. I’ve watched all the common videos, those Thai commercials and the last ten minutes with the dog. NOTHING is working. Help",Depression +16808,"I hate sounding like a conspiracy theorist I realy do, but this song, Mr kitty Dark side (listen to it if you have not) has realy weird side effects on me, when I listen to this song, I get cold, goose bumps, I get scared, like everyone is watching me, like I am about to fight something big, I get confused about everything, it is like it is telling me to kill myself, just to jump of that building, but then I grow all confused again, but by nothing, I just am confused by nothing. it is realy odd, what is odder is that I love these feelings, it feels like I am on drugs, even though the feelings I have described sound horrible, they feel bliss, they feel amazing, like I am completely isolated, like I am floating, I asked around and Apareantly I need to get professional help Becuase this is not normal, like I get that songs can make you feel emotions and make you happy and sad, but I have never had a song that feels me with genuine fear and paranoia but at the same time wanting more of that fear so I turn then volume up, it is sounds weird but I can realy feel the synthwaves travel through my ears, I can feel each echo of the voice go through my body and make me shiver, it is just weird, what do you guys think? (If you want to listen to the song, be in complete darkness or close your eyes, volume full blast with head phones) This song has weird side effects in me",Depression +40650,she s guilt tripping him for feeling good about himself she s saying he s the reason for her sadness and she s missing a version of him where he wa at his lowest she didn t even see the depression that lived in her husband because it made her comfortable,Depression +8975,"Thinking about how overly sexualized my gender is has begun to drive me insane. I am so upset all the time. Everywhere I look, women are being exploited and displayed as objects. Ads, movies, songs, books, LITERALLY fucking everything involving a woman is basing her worth on her looks and fuckability. Its making me so depressed and anxious and I am finding it hard to trust the men in my life. I know not all men see women as sex objects, but the subconscious conditioning is real. Every man I have ever been friends with had initially wanted a sexual or romantic relationship with me. I feel hopeless and disgusted and just ready to stop existing in such a gross world. I cannot seem to stop thinking about this. Please help me. Over sexualization of women",Depression +17776,It makes me feel numb. it is nice to not feel the crushing sadness I feel every day. I wonder if this will stop me from going through with my plan. I am not sure yet. I have discovered alcohol.,Depression +38088,a year ago today i moved to a new city the city of opportunity growth and everything nice but i also learned this is the city of demise since i ve moved here itit s been hard to adapt to the culture the environment and pretty much anything else the store were different everyone talked differently people dressed differently and everyone had money so i thought i realized that my salary wa not enough to fund the normal lifestyle that i managed to survive off for year post undergrad in my home town and a new lifestyle i wa living paycheck to paycheck borrowing money getting loan and using credit to make end meet this made me depressed because it wa at the pandemic s peak and i spent 90 of my time inside with my thought i became more and more depressed and didn t know what to do i had suicidal thought but i tried to push through here s where thing take a turn i got a gig i earned more from my gig than my take home pay so my life wa sweet i wasn t depressed this lasted for six month then my health took a turn i couldn t keep up with life anymore i wa physically ill and had to let the gig go now i m here no gig and leaving the full time job so now i m in a new city no income following for a few week and ready to end it all i ve always thought money doesn t buy you happiness though they re right my journey prof that money can contribute to happiness doe money make you happy,Depression +39097,i ve been on just about every ssri under the sun i ve been on hydroxyzine i m currently on 0mg of buspar x a day 0mg of seroquel and 0mg of remron it is not working for me i still can t leave my house i get anxious the second i step outside i get sick to my stomach dizzy light headed my toe and finger tingle and i feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest i go into tunnel vision and shut down i can t even escape my anxiety a i have very anxious dream i need the help of medication that will actually work i just want to feel human again,Depression +38883,last night i had a dream that ha been weighing on my mind all day long even now a i prepare for bed i cant shake the memory of it and i fear that it will be revisited in more horrible way than before the love of my life stephanie is traveling home with two of her male friend from a party their car is forced off the road by a pair of car and armed men jump out and pull them from their vehicle the friend are brutally executed with a hail of gunfire and stephanie covered in their sticky blood is forced into the trunk of one of their car pleading with the men she is taken to a dark place and sold a an object and she becomes the victim of human trafficking for 0 year i pine for my lost love a i wonder about her disappearance and out of the blue i learn of her fate and also her whereabouts i go to the gun store she is being held in and spy her in a back room chained inside a cage her form battered and bedraggled and only a sliver of her once beautiful form remaining i make pleasantry with the men behind the counter a i surreptitiously draw from my pocket a blade asking for the price of an item on the shelf behind him i draw the attention of one of the men away from me making him turn around when his back is turned i take my knife and swiftly slit his throat throwing his gagging body to the floor with shocked look on their face the other two men in the store watch a i bound over the counter and stab the first of them to death through his chest with a leap across the room i take hold of the last of them and we struggle furiously a he force the blade from my hand causing it to clatter to the floor we fight ferociously and eventually i best my foe caving in his skull with a piece of furniture and pulling the cage key from his pocket covered head to toe in gore i unlock stephanie s cage and help her to freedom she look at me like i m some fresh hell being visited on her but i reveal myself for who i am and tell her that she is rescued she burst into tear of relief and sob for hour over all the horrible thing she ha been forced to do and to witness for year nearly uncounted and i console her until she is calmed i produce for her a pair of cupcake that i had prepared before entering the store and had set aside i tell her that the first is made of sugar and apple and is all the sweet thing i will give to her the second is made of coffee and rat poison and will taste bitter but will be the end of her suffering at long last i give her the choice and without a moment hesitation she take the latter and eats heartily of it sending the former to the floor forgotten she smile a wan grin at me and tell me thank you before closing her eye and looking finally at peace with her lot i hold her in my arm to keep her warm and safe a she pass on into the next world unable to live with what ha happened to her in her captivity at this point i awoke and stared at the pillow beneath me and imagined all the terrible thing that stephanie must have experienced and for a long moment i wa horrified it wa only then that the realization that it wa a dream hit me and i remembered the truth stephanie ha been dead for fifteen year she took her own life in a fit of depression and did not in fact fall victim to human trafficking at this realization i said aloud i m glad you killed yourself with an unspoken underscore of this realization that she hadn t been sold a thought that in no way ha ever formed in my mind or lip before that moment writing out this account already make me feel better and i think i might be able to brave another round of unconsciousness though i have no doubt another mare of the night will visit this is my first reddit posting and i thank you for reading it,Depression +22198,"I am a 27 year old guy, short, ugly, zero friends, really nothing going for me. I mostly spend almost all my time browsing 4chan or playing video games. I both enjoy the company I get from the people I interact with online and hate it because at the end of the day every person I come in contact with is a meaningless anonymous figure. I feel like I am addicted to spending my time this way because if I did not I would just spend it completely alone. It would be easy to say go out and do something but I have zero friends and live in the middle of nowhere. Even if there was I have a very hard time socializing. I do not have the confidence to post myself on dating sites or anything like that. What is there left to turn to? I feel like the internet is ruining my life but at the same time I have nothing else.",Depression +21907,"For your partner to treat mean just because they are in a bad mood ? They take everything out on me. I find it funny when they say they cannot wait for me to get home, they miss me and when I am home I am treated like crap. Like how can you say I am the sweetest person but yet treat me so poorly. Idk how much more I can take I find myself crying and I am a grown man. The way I am being treated I would not allow before idk why I am letting happen now. Is it right",Depression +25679,I find myself extremely less productive these days. I cannot meet deadline on my projects. Not because I do not have enough time if I put my mind to it. Just because I have zero motivation to do it. I have heard in the past from people that this could be a sign of depression. But I do not feel sad. I just do not know what I feel. How do I know if I should seek medical help? How do I know if I am depressed?,Depression +14896,"Some light amidst all the darkness These past few months have been the hardest of my life in terms of my depression, but today I graduated with a first class degree",Depression +41361,myb just of the way the chronic depression that ive gotten from wrote down her step on step being killed inside fortheringay castle trapped by pain n wa smth like concrete physical or traumatic scene when elizabeth didnt do anything when the blood gushing from her head,Depression +25357,"Can anyone tell me if he/she is finally making what makes him/her happy? And what is that? And how did you managed to obtain this? It can be anything, work related, family related, anything. I am feeling stuck for a long time now and I feel I am failing in any way. I am curious abot you. What makes you happy? Making what makes you happy",Depression +40462,gon na probably be really long im sorry since saturday i have a really horrible fucking mood i can not explain tomorrow i have to study chemistry i have a test on friday go to my therapist which make me cry so fucking hard and is probably one of the major reason why i want to end myself the thing is i cant fucking do it im too scared of death but i feel like i just cant escape i just want to be fucking normal my problem are fucking bizzare and they ruin my whole life but yeah i wan na keep them to myself and wait but then i feel like my whole life ruined but i cant km it just all so fucked up and idk what to do i also have no friend and no way of finding any so that just make it worse in the end im just so fucking confused idk what to do thanks for reading this if anyone did ig,Depression +41214,just played beach house day of candy depression cherry,Depression +39364,trigger warning for the last few week i ve been getting random burst of anxiety almost like a panic attack is about to come on when i m out for dinner with friend in work or sometimes even when i m alone i ve dealt with anxiety panic attack in the past and it went away for a while i can t pin point anything that s triggering it since i ve cut out caffeine etc it seems to come on when i become hyper aware of my own existence and that i m here on earth lol idk how else to explain it i have been drinking twice a week maybe this could be causing it i m not sure it s annoying because i m trying to share valuable time with people and this ha been getting in the way it s making me annoyed at myself and i m trying to not beat myself up over it i wa out for dinner earlier tonight with somebody i ve been dating and had to excuse myself to take a breather i explained to him when i came back that i felt a bit anxious and he wa super empathetic and explained it happens to him sometimes too doe anybody know any technique to counteract a panic attack i tried breathing exercise but i d be open to trying anything else if anyone ha any advice,Depression +25448,"Just to make it clear, I am not going to divulge anything about me personally. I do not feel that comfortable, I am really no looking for validation and I just someone to talk to that will not give me the most vapid and condensing answer. Will it help me? Obviously you do not know and I do not expect anyone to be nobody has any insight on my life. But here is what I am personally feeling and experiencing.-no one takes me seriously and when they do it is disproportionate to what happened, what I did or what the grand scheme of the situation is.-I get interrupted so often and so violently that I just feel isolated and completely rejected on such a level I cannot even begin to describe.-I rarely stand up for myself or say anything because I have had such viscerally aggressive responses from my family and terrible people in my life that I fear some random stranger will do the same and I deserve it in some way.-I have very little desire to be around anyone I know. I genuinely want to live peacefully by myself.....in a fucking cave or something. Just....not have a contact with everyone I know ever again-I feel that I am not entitled to expressing myself, what I want or how I feel because throughout my life I have been gaslit, ""lectured"" and yelled at for doing so for the most basic and simple reason. (I know it is sounds one sided and really like you should not care but I swear to God I was grounded for saying that I was sad just because I really did not feel happy about something, I was not rude or anything)-I feel like I have been punished for having been born the way I am. I feel like I have wasted me life with everyone I know",Depression +7915,"i do not feel anything anymore....i used to love and care about everything but got hurt so much that i used to wish that i could be like those girls who did not feel anything. Now my wish finally came true, i regret making that wish... Now that i do not feel anything, I am doing everything to feel something.Cutting, smoking, having sex. i cannot feel anything anymore.I am so numb i cannot cry anymore i do not feel any emotionsi just wake up, work and drinki wish i could go back back to when i could at least feel something.. numb",Depression +11777,"time for you guys to listen to my meaningless ramble. I am 18, and meant to be graduating high school in a year, except i will not be because my grades are too low and i do not care enough to actually try studying, which is strange considering my academics used to be the pride of my life. i failed at life this year. i do not know what happened. i see my life falling apart, i see myself binge eating multiple times a day, which must be great because i had anorexia a decade ago which still seems relevant to my parents and hopefully when high school ends ill off myself. i have no hopes or dreams. i can never get out of bed. i see everyone around me, breathing, laughing, eating. i have felt suffocated for a long time. my head is empty all of the time- i used to be able to think, to do stuff. now there is nothing to fill me. I am just a retard. i do not want any sympathy but i am. i do not know why but i always feel disgust when i see people doing anything. plus--i got a fake diagnosis of autism just because of my intense physical hatred of social situations. i got a fake diagnosis of depression because I have been burnt out a long time. also I am really slow. when will anythingg be real. i struggle to see the consequences of my actions. every day repeats- a cell. i hate life, but i carrrrry on. i fucking hate my crippled ass. i have never been out of my parents sight my entire life, yet they still treat me as a ticking time bomb. i can never be bothered to respond to my needs. what is the point of a point. I am done with this shit---but i realise that because today is the full moon which is erlevant to ny parents which means i can be dismissed. i hate myself goddammit. i suck at everything every day. there is just no point in my being. i profit off other people, and worst part is i cannot off myself or cut myself or slit my wrists properly,. someday it will be done. i just cannot be bothered and i have no correct equipment. everyone is more successful than me, and i do not need a pat on the back. thanksyall for wasting your time to read dis shit. master of pathetic idleness",Depression +21616,"Everyone talks about loving themselves these days and if you do not you are just not good enough and nobody wants you, that literally what they say, say you want a relationship/friends and they tell you to love yourself first because nobody wants to be around a ''Debbie downer''People do not want true human connections, they want people who fulfill roles like a best friend or wife like it is a fucking job, they do not care about how others feel, only how others make them feel.it is frustrating trying to be the perfect fucking human everyday, because unless you are perfect, people see you as worthless.. Why does everyone seem to hate insecure or depressed people?",Depression +23499,"And I know this. I have noticed it for a long time. My depression is twofold. On one side, it is from years of torment in a private school. Once I escaped that, the second phase kicked in when I realised I would be single/lonely. . .For a while. That was 25 years ago. The torment/harassment I went through, I can get through. Ppl are assholes. . .The lonely/longing phase, does not get better. 2 months ago, I ran into a classmate of mine (from the school I actually liked going to). We were not friends then. We did not know each other. We only had one class together. And, even though I found her intriguing/attravtive, I never talked to her. After graduation, I would run into her from time to time, at the bars. I actually admitted to her that I was interested back in high school, but was too scared to talk to her. The last time I saw her, we were at a bar, and we got caught up. She had plans (that I did not want her to do), and she did not want to ""continue"" the evening.TL;DRI ""thought"" I saw a classmate of mine a couple months ago. We were/are on the same page, that if I see her, I will not recognize her her, due to my bad vision at range, and only seeing her every 5 or so years. This time was different, as I have new glasses, and she walked up to me and said my name. I was under enough stress, anxiety, emotional problems, that I ligetimatly, thought I holusinated her. I have not seen her since. And my depression, of being single for so long has me thinking about her.sucks. . .Back on topic. I have noticed that things that I have had interest in. . . I no longer remember.I hate knowing that I am losing my mind, when I can see it happening. Loosing my mind",Depression +22972,Idk if this is the place for this but I have been struggling with doctors and scheduling. My appointments keep getting pushed or moved to times I cannot attend and now they will not fill my prescription because it is been too long. They will not even let me see another dr with a more open schedule since I would need to do an exit interview with my current one. it is been over a month since I have had any meds and I will not be able to get in for another 4+ months. I have tried calling every dr and care service in my area and no one can fill that type of stuff. I am just desperate and at the end of my line. there is just too many hoops to jump through in order to get care. Struggling to get medication,Depression +19815,"I have 10 mins to write this because I have to work. But my financial situation has changed drastically and will continue to change so now I definitely have to work 40 hrs. If I did not want to unalive myself every waking moment and was not touch starved, I probably could work 40hrs like every other American adult. Its not me being lazy I just know being at work all the time will deteriorate my soul more than it already is. But I have to. This is adulthood apparently. My emotions do not matter. My mental health does not matter. My happiness does not matter. I work and pay off my loans. that is it. that is life. Idk how to cope with having to be a wage slave",Depression +9420,"I feel like recently I have been having suicidal thoughts rather frequently, I feel like i do not want to be alive currently but at the same time I do not want to give up my life, I feel like life can be so great and amazing but sadly i just cannot enjoy it due to my episodes of depression. I just wish i could be happy that is my only dream in life. Its been especially hard recently because I am going through a very rough depressive episode and during it i unfortunately was forced to cut off my soul mate who was the only person I have truely loved my entire life, she was the only person i could have talked to but now i have no one, I have never posted here before but i just have nowehere else to go.The most sadistic thing about episodes of depression for me is the fact that after one ends i feel like happiness is almost in my hand and i can almost achieve it, I even can feel it for very short periods of time in a rare moment where i seem to forget about reality, and then it just hits me twice as hard. I feel like its a constant repition of one step forward two steps backwards and I just do not know what to do.If anyone reads this thankyou for hearing me out. I do not want to be alive but I do not want to die either",Depression +23485,"i hate everyone but miss everyone, i crave the pain but i despise it and want to be happy, i feel like everything and everyone is moving forward but I am stuck in the same dark hole, everyone is leaving me behind, i feel great sadness and pain but at the same time i feel empty and numb, my self hatred is getting worse, the calories are getting less, the self harm is getting more. people asked if i was ok for a week and now they do not care anymore. I am stuck in this same horrible place but everyone is moving on without me. its my fault. i pushed them away. i really want to end it, if i had a gun i would, I am scared of failing, my mom would be devastated. I have felt like this for over a year now. i started thinking of suicide as an option last june. I have wasted a year of my life being sad. i feel so guilty. i feel like I have let everyone down. i cannot accept the help. i do not know what I am writing i think this is a vent. i hate feeling like this. currently crying while writing this. I am not asking for anyone to reply but if you are going to say something horrible please do not. thanks vent ?",Depression +26138,"This weekend I sat in the hours by myself like I usually do and it just hit harder this time. I joined BetterHelp in hope of find a way to get myself out of this. I use to be so happy, making jokes all the time calling and texting people but now I just cannot find the reason to do any of it. My family has fallen apart I cannot even have a real conversation with my dad and my mom is just said and I feel for her. I try to distract myself from it but the distraction does not last for long or it just does not work. I am constantly thinking about the old me. The younger me that had friends and would be out of the house all the time. I just feel like there is nothing left me. Ill probably never find love and will just die alone. Its all even harder as a black male, Its like depression in black men just do not exist. I just want this shit to be over. How do you stop feeling so alone? How do you go back to being the old you or even just a newer version of yourself? How do you feel loved again? People make it seem like it just so easy to get all the feeling out of your head but they just do not understand that its not that simple. I am just not feel it anymore",Depression +39610,god im stupid,Depression +12162,Everything we have ever done will not matter Crazy that everything were used to and comfortable in will be gone in a few years and you will have to start all over again,Depression +16136,"I have a family and friends, but cannot help but feel alone. I do not know if you guys feel the same way, but I do not really have anyone I can open up with. It used to bother me, but right now what is the point. It feels pointless and void of any meaning to try and feel sadness. I want to scream, but the sound does not come out. I cannot tell if I have lost something or if I never had it. I have been called heartless and rude, but I do not react anymore its like its become a part of my character I have grown devoid of it. Sorry for the rant I need to get it off my chest. Loneliness",Depression +7898,"I am on the verge of doing it and I am a useless piece of shit anyways. I cannot spell, I am failing school and I am stupid as fuck. Give me one reason why I should not go and hang myself in my back garden.",Depression +26461,Would you spend the day normally?Would you do something special? How would you spend your last day?,Depression +20085,I been depressed for More than 3+years what ever I try to do never works it only gets worse my life is pointless I think about killing myself every day no one ever cares I do not even know who I am and the only thins I have know for my whole life is sadness and anger I cannot do anything right so why should not I Why should not I kill myself,Depression +25744,"I lost all my friends. They cannot seem to function in society anymore. Every time I try to put myself out there, I seem to fail. I feel stupid and dumb because of it. People tell me to open up about it, and I feel like it just pushes them away. I have no one that has been able to help with this. Therapy and professional help have done nothing. The few people I have tried to be close to after they open up end up ghosting. I cannot blame them because I feel like I am the common denominator at this point. I have never felt so alone in my life like I do now, and I cannot hold this in anymore. I know people have it worse, and I am lucky to be where I am but, it hurts to wake up or face life anymore. The physical pain it causes me is unbearable anymore. Knowing that I have fucked up so much trying to be social with people has fucked me up. Guess its just me lost among the trees in the forest and angry at myself for it. Alone",Depression +48239,"is it possible that on some days you feel way more tired then the other day even if you feel like your sleep was the same as those other days? one of the main symptoms of clinical depression is feeling tired, but is it possible that on some days you feel way more tired then the other day even if you feel like your sleep was the same as those other days?",Depression +24791,"I (M18) have struggled with depression and other things my whole entire life. I was born to a mother who would end up resenting me because I did not cure her problems and fix her marriage, someone who would do absolutely everything in her power to make me feel horrible and change into what she wanted, one bad friendship after the next, crippling loneliness, painful dysphoria, and a horrible view on the world (I love people but humanity is something). I would say there is a line between feeling all the pain of your life but not enough to change it and the point where enough is enough and you decide to fix your life. I am right on the edge. I feel extreme pain nearly every single day from whatever trauma and illnesses I have but I cannot for the absolute life of me get any sort of drive. I have absolutely no desire or driving force to get a job or career, I cannot bother to get my license because of lack of drive and fear surrounding it, and I cannot leave my room to socialize with friends. I have no relationship with my family, a father that does not care about me and is absent from my life, and a mother who is constantly around to remind me of how much of a disappointment I am to her, and how she regrets having me. From every point leading up to now, I cannot look back on my life and say I am happy to be alive There are times where I want to rot away until I am frail and sickly, or times I want to whore myself out for any kind of attention and joy, while most of the time I wish it would just be over. I do not want to die, but it seems like the only option I have left. there is no kind of life that appeals to me, and any drive to get better has been sucked out of me no matter how much I wish it did not. I do not want to die but I am afraid its the only option I have left. Advice on how to enjoy life and move forward? How to get the drive to make life better and keep living?",Depression +22328,"I am tired of waking up everyday just to feel like I am trying to survive, and failing at it. Hopeless",Depression +47742,"Lost my bestfriend Back in January my bestfriend and drummer of my band committed suicide, he was the type of dude where we were both the same age but we looked up to each other. Him and I went through so much together, we wrote songs, we played shows, we did stupid shit 18 year olds did, he made me the person I am today. One time he got on my shoulders in a big trench coat and sunglasses and we tried to buy beer and had the whole store laughing. He’s gone now, I feel like I have nothing, all my other friends, it feels like they’re not there, I feel like I have no one besides my parents, I love life but at this point I honestly don’t care if I die, if I die I die, so what. Nothing feels like it can fill the whole that he left, he was my soulmate of a friend, it feels like we were built for eachother, the hardest part about all of this is that my future feels like tunnel vision and all my future plans included him in some way, now my whole concept of a future for myself is in shambles, I don’t know what to do, I’m lost. I miss you buddy.",Depression +21513,"I am not sure anyone is going to read this, and I do not really care. This is just a box of text shouting into the void, which is the only reason I am writing here at all. I keep people in love, I see really sweet romantic relationships on TV, and I just. It breaks my heart in a bittersweet way that underneath the warmth and happiness I feel when I see that is the cold reminder that it will never happen to me. And people always say ""oh but you are not ugly, oh but you are not annoying"" and like sure I am not objectively, because there is no objective measurements of those things. But I am overweight and have ADHD, statistically, it is more likely that people are going to find me unattractive and annoying than not. And statistically, there is a very realistic chance that I just never meet anyone who loves me for who I am romantically because I am too fat or too overwhelming or something else entirely. But what about platonic relationships? Even if no one ever falls in love with me, surely I will still have plenty of friends, right? Well. I do not know. Isolation has done a number on me, and on my ability to form and maintain meaningful relationships. I do not talk to my friends anymore. I do not feel comfortable being vulnerable with people anymore, where I was once an open book. I miss having friends I could not stop talking to. I miss being open and genuine about my feelings. And yeah sure, it is highly likely that these things will go away in the fall once I am back on campus, but here is the thing chief: I do not live in the future. I do not experience the future. I experience and live right now. And each ""right now"" I have been in for the last almost two years has felt pretty mediocre, ngl Feel like my ability to form and maintain healthy relationships is breaking down",Depression +10714,"I just graduated in sh and I am planning to continue college. But then, my own plans got rejected by my parents because they want THEIR plans to be dominated. But things got worst, I did not pass in a university admission and I cannot enroll to their desired course. It got me tearing up for 8 hours because I have nowhere to go.. my anxiety looses and I now think that I am a failure. On the other hand, I cannot enroll to a private school because we are not financially stable. They do not want to pay my ""tuition"" because there r more important things that should be focused on paying. Lmao it is obvious that they do not support me in my study, I am not blind nor fool. They r professionals they can support me but they do not want. I wanted to work but they will not allow me to work.. so I do not know what to do, I am nowhere to go. My depression and anxiety worsen.. I am loss. Idk what to do",Depression +40123,i don t know who i am anymore i ve tried so hard to regain a sense of who i once wa but it s pointless everytime i look at someone anybody i instantly feel reminded that i m nothing that i will always will be nothing i m not clueless i know why i feel this way i ve been strong for way too long i ve spent my entire life longing for something that will never come a decent family that isn t problematic friend and a proper support system this entire time i wa never strong because i wanted to be i had no choice but to be i m not a strong person keeping false hope by holding onto delusion to get by isn t what it mean to be strong i know the life i m living now won t last forever but the damage caused by everything i ve gone through is beyond repair i m unfixable my whole life ha been nothing but a buildup of trauma and it ll continue to be it ll never end more than anything i wish someone cared about me would hold my hand and tell me everything s going to be alright hug me when i cry into my pillow at night hold me when i m breaking down because i m not strong enough to take on the pain alone but no i ll never have anyone like that in my life only in my delusional mind if any word defines my life it s alone i ve taken this journey of endless trauma alone none ha ever truly cared everyone just watch me stagger along i wonder why i even wasted any of my time going to therapy none of my therapist have ever cared nothing ever changed i never felt any better i m currently feeling the worst i ve ever felt in my entire life i ve experienced so much pain throughout my whole life but nothing like this this pain destroyed all my dream destroyed who i once wa a a person there s only one way from here now and it s more down then i already am taking medication for my problem isn t what i need throwing pill at my problem isn t going to make me forget about everything that s ever happened in my life the only two thing that would be able to do that for me is severe brain trauma or death i m not going to use drug a mean of coping with my life using drug to solve and help with my problem i may be a worthless individual but i m wise enough to know having to take pill a a mean of getting better isn t the life i want i just need a human being in my life that care about me that is able to see my worth tell me i m more than all of this trauma however i know the reality and i won t sugarcoat it i come with too many challenge for anyone to have any sort of care for me i suffer from skin picking severe depression and anxiety ptsd constant disassociation where i forget who i actually am and feel like the world isn t real i m far too fucked up it explains why i have no friend why i have none in my life who truly care about me because of how long all of my problem have gone untreated i can t escape my suicidal thought my problem will always define who i am will always have the last say in everything i do nothing give me happiness anymore not food not drawing not reading or writing not watching the sunrise not the moon not late night not going outside not sleeping nothing all of it feel pointless now and it doesn t provide me happiness like it used to me i ve always preferred to keep my emotion to myself and not go to my parent for help because everytime i do i get the same response they always invalidate my feeling it s endless response that always tear me down they tell me i m overreacting that i should leave my problem in the past that i should stop being a crybaby that i should grow up already and stop being problematic saying that others have life worse and i shouldn t complain about it there s no point in wasting my time asking them for help i have none else i can reach out to none else that care i wa hospitalized a month ago after i told my school counselor about my suicidal thought what happened my parent were called i wa forced to go to the hospital and i got cussed out badly they said a variety of hurtful thing but what stuck with me the most wa being told that if i were actually suicidal i d have done it already telling me i m nothing but an attention seeker telling me i wasted my time asking for help and going to the hospital because no give a shit about me anyways no care at all for the fact that i m in the hospital because i don t want to live anymore i didn t choose to be open about being suicidal because i m an attention seeker i did it because i needed help surviving if my own parent don t care about me how can i expect anyone else to have any care for me the only living being i have left now is my lovely boy sled he may only be a dog but he s all i have left in this world unfortunately i just don t know if that s enough at this point to keep me going life ha given up on me so i want to give up on myself i m tired of my life consisting of surviving plainly existing without no meaning i don t want be strong anymore i don t want to live in my head anymore i never want to experience trauma ever again i want to escape i want to be free i m not sure if i ll ever get that chance in life and even if i do it won t be anytime soon if i had to guess possibly in a few year but i can t hold on that long hell i don t even know if i can make it to the end of 0 people with proper support system really don t realize how lucky they truly are that s the only that could save me from myself and the only thing i look forward to in the future if i make it the chance i ll have my own support system one of the worst mistake i kept repeating wa thinking that professional help would magically make everything better somehow it didn t i m never taken seriously because to them i m just another mentally ill person that doesn t hold much worth fuck that i do have many mental illness but i m aware and i sure a hell know what my reality is and what s going on i ve recently come to realize you can t rely on anyone but yourself to help you get better obviously this is far from easy when you re suicidal the harsh reality is i can give up or continue living my life in misery this isn t just the harsh reality for me but so many other individual who are suicidal or have suicidal thought or ideation it s not fair at all and none should ever have to come to that realization i feel like i m a lost cause now i m beyond sick and tired of hearing there s hope for the future something brighter to look forward to for the past few year i ve been feeling suicidal all i ve been doing is taking life one step at a time taking it day by day waiting for that one where thing finally start to turn around for me but it hasn t all the time i wonder maybe there s nothing left in my future except loneliness emptiness more nightmare to dream about more tear to shed and more trauma to endure i don t want to live like this anymore although i don t wish to die only escape this life i d rather be dead i don t want to be this aware i don t want to feel like this anymore i don t want the feeling of worrying about what the future hold to consume me anymore being failed by the system failed by society and failed by life is why i m suicidal,Depression +41344,fighter kev it s funny how they are all facing stress sorrow and depression then,Depression +17858,"I have had mental health issues for quite a few years now. I suffered with undiagnosed anxiety and panic disorders in middle school, continuing to have anxiety years later and have always seemed to be depressed. Especially nowadays I know I have depression, I have shown countless symptoms for it but yet anytime people recommend I see a therapist or psychiatrist I scoff. I never seem to want actual help. Its like I think happiness is genuinely unattainable since its been so long since I have been (or at least free from mental health issues). I have been able to go so long without help because I am able to go to work/school and do a good job, but now I have become frustrated and have begun lashing out more on the people around me but I cannot fathom getting better by pills, therapist or any other therapies, though I have shown I cannot really get through this on my own. Am I weird to be this way? Why do not I want help?",Depression +25934,"I never thought I would pass high school, the problem is that. Now I am a 20y who suffers with OCD, anxiety and depression, who barely take my meds, and smoke too much weed. I work to only live, smoke and buy meds when they are over, I sleep one day home one day in friends house, I do not feel wanted in any of those places. I do not know where my life is leading me, I do not have strenght to study.I know I have to fight for a future, but I never thought I would be alive at this point of my life, my plans were to be dead before my 20's. I feel my only safe exit is suicide, the only things that make me feel barely alive are work, weed, and my lil brother. I do not think i will live longer than that. I do not really know where I am going",Depression +22303,"Just a little about me before you read this: Hi, I am Noah. I am 15 years old and I live in a small place outside of a city called Manchester in the North-West of England.I seem to get these depressive 'episodes' where I tend to feel like crap for weeks at a time but I then get a small burst of happiness for about a week solid where I feel like I can actually stand the problems I am facing in life. I am currently not feeling too bad right now and I have not been feeling awful for the past 2 days but I am just waiting for my mood to completely drop sometime soon. Is this normal...? Depressive episodes.",Depression +41343,the nd account is suspended tho let them rejoice depression is eating them all up,Depression +39691,i will eventually give up i know whoever reading this doe not care so don t comment anything unless you are absolutely inclined to after i die i will ask god to destroy my spirit and make it a if i never existed i hate anything having to do with existing everything that it brings the people the negativity the bullying it just nonstop i wish to have never experienced this life or anything having to do with it this life is inherently evil and whoever made me wanted all the bad thing to happen to me i guess i will just row out to sea and wait for a storm or tie my leg to a boulder and drop 00 foot to ocean floor anything anything i got ta do to get off this shit i will go out of my way to cause my life to end,Depression +37880,i am 0 married year this october and a four year old about to start school none of this matter when i m expected to pick up the slack for my family and their failing my sister wa diagnosed with schizophrenia my parent have no idea how to deal with it having lived with chronic depression their entire life and relying on faith to get them through she s refusing treatment medication and in denial of her condition it s a constant cycle of her being unstable hospitalized until shes able to manipulate the doctor that she s okay and go home to torment u my brother is leaving his military job after year and freaking out because he doesn t think he ll survive a a civilian i m fairly certain he ha his own mental issue stemming from way back but he s also just barnacled on to me for guidance i wanted to kill myself i wa about to and i called and got help and i ve been on medication for year i struggled with alcoholism in my early 0 and decided to stay sober for my daughter and i m finding it hard to hang on with all of this going on i m finding it hard to help people who don t want to help themselves but if i don t then everything just go to hell and i m the one to blame because i m the smart one and have to guide everyone where they re supposed to go it s exhausting having to care for people who refuse to accept they have issue i feel like i m being punished for being the only one in my family for having had the fortitude to acknowledge my mental illness it s taking a toll on my marriage and i am scared of the consequence of what that would entail i worry for my child because if i can t take care of myself then i can t take care of her i m staring at the same abyss that wa before me those year ago when i wa spiraling and i don t want to be here again anyway thanks for hearing me out reddit i just needed to verbalize it to make sure i m not just imagining it all,Depression +15065,"Been unemployed, living in my parents basement for the past 6 months just absolutely miserable and unable to pull myself out of my mental state, being stuck and unable to change my life.Really found myself feeling hopeless and apathetic towards everything in life, and if it all ended I would not really care. So I figured fuck it, if I am not afraid of dying, what can I do with this?2 hours later I went and got my motorcycle learners permit. And 3 days after that I did my motorcycle safety course, and had the best fucking weekend that I have had in the past 6 months. I made friends, I had a blast racing all types of motorcycles, but most importantly I felt what it is like to share an amazing feeling with other really cool people. All of this previously prevented because of an invisible rule that I wrote for myself long ago. And now I have a hobby that I seriously enjoy.Just a thought for you guys Wanting to die is a superpower",Depression +21466,"Yes I am probably crazy but read if you would like. Maybe I am not crazy whatsoever, maybe the intelligent man simply sounds like an insane man to the less intelligent. Who knows. If a society wanted to put a cap on the capabilities of its inhabitants, it could hypothetically be entirely possible with psychological barriers. Say a society wants to ensure that nobody gets too smart, or enlightened for the liking of the simulation, a swift dose of nihilism could put a stop to the inhibitions of the intelligent in order to ensure that they will not destroy the simulation. A perfect citizen is ignorant, therefore they can slave their life away to the world as they know it, rather than asking questions about that world. If somebody becomes too enlightened, they will not have the desire to slave away for the machine the way they know it to be, rather they would attempt to dissect the irregularities and analysis regarding their existence. As its commonly said, ignorance is bliss, and if you are ignorantly blissful you are not posing a threat to the simulation.What if depression was able to be weaponized in some sort of manner. Instilling a hopeless state of despair into those who pose a threat to a society would ensure that they would not hold motivation to genuinely embark on anything seriously threatfull towards the norms of the machine. It is insanely implausible, but entirely possible, that the simulation we exist in utilizes depression and nihilism as psychological maneuvers to maintain a functional society. If you want to put a stop to the inhibitions of any threat, simply red pill them. Once they reach the nihilistic realizations of reality, they will likely shut down. Psychological weaponization of depression",Depression +18414,"I want to off myself, but at the same time I do not. I want to be able to come back, no matter how painful or slow the method is. What is a suicide/death method that has a chance of me just being in a coma for a month or two? I hope someone is able to help. Also I have no clue if this is the right reddit to post it to but ykkkk I need help with suicide. Pleaseeee lmao",Depression +11517,"I know she works and has a kid too but we never talk like we used to. We maybe text once a week a couple of texts sent back and forth but that is about it. I just miss her so much. We used to text everyday, I do not know what I did wrong Guess a 5 minute call from my best friend is too much to ask for",Depression +18331,"My body, my mind whatever it was would not let me stop crying. I am or was in so much pain. I was numb. Bro this f*cking sucks. I just spent the last hour crying.",Depression +41439,how comedian battle depression and stress in private life fantegh on th http t co gwdy td via youtube,Depression +23278,"My parents are good people, but I am still depressed. They try to help me by buying me nice things, making me food, and giving me company. Despite their presence, I feel shitty. All the time. They got really scared when my depression got worse, and we started trying therapy, medication, etc. Now we are out of ideas, and I feel like they gave up. What can they do? They tried their best. If I kill myself, I kill myself. they will still spoil me with nice gestures, but their sense of urgency is gone. My death will be a sad event to move on from. They know it will happen. But if they cannot fix it with money or food, who cares? It is what it is. Do I even deserve to ask more from them? My Parents Gave Up",Depression +16647,"I cannot lose weight. I am eating under 800 calories a day, low carb diet (Keto). I lost 15 pounds at first but I have not lost anything for 5 days. Is it over? It was going so well. Why does life have to ruin everything that is good.My self-esteem is terrible. I hate the way I look. I am so self-conscious that I do not even want to have sex with my boyfriend. Its ruining things for me and I do not know what to do. cannot lose weight",Depression +24488,"I have been avoiding going on antidepressants just because of how I hear everyone say they hate it. I do not want to have to rely on antidepressants just to be able to get out of bed but if I have to as a last option, I will. Do any of you guys use anything else to get energy and motivation throughout the day? No matter how much I sleep or eat it feels like I never have any energy and I am constantly yawning and tired. I know I have depression but is there any other option I can do before going on antidepressants? If you use something else pls help :) how do you get energy without going on antidepressants?",Depression +19176,"I just feel so worn out. I put myself out there, I put on a smile like everyone want me to. I rarely do anything for myself. When I do my wife either believes I am being selfish because I disappeared for an hour to do something that makes me feel like myself, or is just completely under appreciated. I ask her about her day every day and I could not think of the last time she asked me. Occasionally Ill let out a little kernel of my day and she will agree with me about whatever emotion I am trying to express. But I am just expected to know all of her coworkers and all the drama. Normally I invite a bunch of people over for the 4th and I just did not have the energy to do it. I invited my best friend and his family over. We made the plans a couple of weeks beforehand. And he forgot he had family coming over so I get it and it the plans became out if his control due to his parents. I get that I truly do but no one makes sudden visits from outside the state. So he knew and just forgot we had made plans. I pretty much talked to him everyday but it never came up.I am just so tired of putting myself out there and just being disappointed by everyone around me. And its not like I have any huge expectations, I just want to feel as important to them as they are for me. I am sure if I ended everything they would miss me, but you miss your socks if you miss placed them as well. The only thing that is keeping me going is my daughter. I grew up without my father (heart attack) and Id rather not continue the cycle. But how long is that feeling going to last? I feel so thin",Depression +38787,hi everyone this all started back in college i wa doing lot of drug molly cocaine acid molly and wa doing badly at uni after my dad put the fear of god into me i started taking school a lot more seriously and drastically slowed down my drug intake not long after i started developing horrible physical anxiety at night i would get into bed feel fine but just couldn t flip the switch to fall asleep i would lay there for an hour or so and then my heart would start to race shortness of breath then all of a sudden i would have an intense chest burning sensation that would last hour i felt dead in the morning but by 9am or 0am i would get a surge in energy i wa jacked up and sweating a lot i would do well in school because my mind wa going a 00 mph but after several week of this i started feeling exhausted and would even hallucinate during the day i could only do school work at night i wa too brain dead to pay attention in class this went on for a couple of year before i went to the doctor and wa prescribed lexapro generic the first few week were really bad but then i felt amazing however i had bad sexual side affect and it changed my personality i felt dead inside after three year on this i went on to venlafaxine it gave me a stupid amount of energy sweated profusely and peed a often a before i lasted one year on this then i switched over to zoloft generic i started on 0mg but i felt brain dead and again had sexual side affect so i lowered the dose to mg the sexual side affect decreased but it still wasn t great i also still felt a little out of it so i lowered it to mg during covid lockdown i wa working from home all of the time i didn t have a bad time falling asleep on this but i didn t feel good the next day either tired brain fog easily irritable but it wa better than physical anxiety at midnight when we were told we had to go back into the office the anxiety at night came back not horrible physical anxiety but more like normal anxiety and insomnia i lasted a few month on this and just couldn t take it anymore so i started smoking weed unfortunately i have always been super sensitive to weed i would get euphoria from one or two hit this helped me sleep but i wa still tired and irritable the next day a i continued smoking i would need more and more to get that euphoric feeling to put me to sleep then thing turned south quickly i wa becoming very irritable and would lash out at family and coworkers nearly everyday i would calm down then apologize after a few week of this my dad said i needed to see my doctor i wa put on wellbutrin and had the worst day of my life i totally lost it extreme mood swing nerve pain and claustrophobia i got off that and am recovering this week from it i took benadryl sunday night and monday night to sleep last night i took nothing and had the worst physical anxiety since college i did the right thing though i turned off the tv early and did some meditation and felt good going to bed but just like in college i had radiating anxiety two hour in i slept maybe hour and woke up jacked sweating a bunch and mind racing i don t know if i need different medication or therapy or both ha anyone dealt with what i m experiencing did a certain type of medication help did you need therapy too thanks for sharing,Depression +27302,Planning over and over to end my life but I cannot. Everything I do I feel like I have failed or hurt people I love. I always seem to sabotage something when it is going great. I know my days are numbered. I do not know how to escape this I am a failure,Depression +39866,god i feel so constantly out of place i feel like i m always being bothered and anxious i hate it i just want to be alone i would give anything if i could do online again i just feel so anxious and sad at school even with my own friend i just would give anything if i could be by myself i hate it so bad it s so cold and desolate,Depression +21613,"I was diagnosed with clinical depression (anxiety disorder, panic disorder, mood swing), REM sleep disorder, and ADHD at age 26. I knew that something was wrong but I did not know what until I hit the rock bottom (unfortunate events happened, in the worst possible place, at the worst possible timing). I tried to kill myself for months and one day I ended up in an ER with cutting my wrist with cocktail of alcohol, energy drink and painkiller. I have gotten hospitalisation, years of talk therapy and art therapy, and now I am only on medications. Sometimes I am good or hyper but usually medications barely hold my moods swing. I was not born in a wealthy family but my parents provided me more than comfortable things - private schools, travels, studying abroad, credit cards and other material things. Which I am more than grateful considering that there are many people have less supportive family/friends not only financially but also emotionally or simply unlucky to not have access to basic needs. Despite fully knowing that I am lucky and I should live with gratitude but it is really difficult, especially as getting old and cannot find a reason to live - hope or dream? I have been to the dark place a few times and I am officially on the list of suicide watch, still seeing my therapy every 2 weeks but I have been going to the dark place again. Maybe some people know that you cannot help but want to go to the darker and darker place instead of trying to fight it. I feel like its an addiction when I feel depressed af I want to get more and more depressed and end my life. Constantly thinking about suicide methods, what to write on my will, how to disappear and die without affecting my family, and how to die but can donate my organs for those who want to live because its not fair some people want to live but struggle. Anyone else feels like this or been in this situation for years? Addicted to depression",Depression +38000,afters year i finally had contact with a person i like i sleepover at her house quite often i like her alot and day ago she told me that she is getting sent to psychiatry why cant i just be happy why is it all getting taken away from me,Depression +9030,"I do not even know where to start I have had/ have a screwed up life, anything bad that can happen does. I have been depressed since I had my daughter and it gets worse and worse. My family has nothing to do with me basically but a select few and the people I do have our not supportive to me with my mental health. I know I am screwed up but I have no insurance or money to pay to get help from a professional when I get down or alone I just need family there to help but most time they just get mad at me and say this again or ruining another time or even I cannot do this anymore. My daughter who is just a child is the only support system I have and I cannot talk to her about anything. I do not know what to do my family says I ruin there lifes because way I am but I do not know how to fix me. I try to hide how I am feeling from family but then it builds up and I explode and its worse but if I show it then its bad to I really do not know what to do or where to go. I do not have any friends I have people I call friends but but they people I talk to once every few months. How can I do this when I do not have anyone in my corner no one that is patient enough to deal with me. I get some my family have mental stuff to but on their bad days I am right there with them supporting helping them through no matter what. I need help figuring out how to get help without insurance or money in away that does not involve my family. Alone and depressed",Depression +7696,"My partner broke up with me. We dated for 8 months and were extremely co dependant. It was not a healthy relationship because she did not want to get better and I wanted her to. We met up and she is with someone else as soon as a month after, an extreme alcoholic drinking 750mls every night and I am still in love with her.The breakup is what originally sent me into the depression, but it was not just that. Where I live was going above and beyond with covid restrictions even though people were getting vaccinated and you would be fined for even seeing your family. My parents were being insane, my brother was not doing well, and it took a huge toll on me too. More than I know, I think.Then I made the impulsive decision to get an apartment right after the breakup. The move in date is September 1st and as much as I should be happy, that makes me even more depressed for some reason.I have no friends with depression, I have no one that talks to me constantly (my ex did so I am feeling extremely lonely after just getting cut off from that), and I just feel so exhausted and alone. I want to go out, but I want to be alone. I feel nothing - literally nothing. I am just a numb husk that gets stuck in depressive thought loops over and over and wakes up to panic attacks.I have been in bed for over a week now, my room is beyond disgusting, I cannot eat and look like skin and bones, and my Dad basically has to take care of me because I cannot. I have gone out once or twice but I feel nothing the whole time. I cannot live like this. I have clinical depression and have extremely intense depressive episodes multiple times a year but this is the worst one I have had since I was in fucking jr high. (I am in college now). I think I am suicidal but I am so numb and empty I cannot even tell. The healthcare system in general, let alone the mental healthcare, where I live is abysmal but I am genuinely considering calling the crisis line and getting myself admitted to the mental health ward. The only thing stopping me is how much it would affect my family.I just feel so lost and SO alone and I do not know what to do. I think I came here to just talk to more people who are struggling like me, but if you have any advice please let me know. I am so tired. I am in one of the worst depressive episodes of my life.",Depression +12058,"Being adult is going to be the worst thing. I am currently not one but I am fucking terrified. cannot wait till everything I love to do (play videogames, talk to friends and family , watch and write about movies) will become unattainable! All of my time will be wasted away at a deadend job or at college learning about some bullshit I do not care about so I can make money to not die. The only thing keeping me afloat is all the great people in my life who I am so lucky to have. I am so fucking scared that one day they will not be enough to sustain me and I will die. I do not want to be an adult",Depression +17914,I feel like I have been alone my whole life. I used to constantly wish I could find someone to start a relationship with. It was at the point where it would hurt when I thought about it. But in recent months I have lost interest. it is like I want to be alone. It does not even bother me. it is just how I feel. I feel completely numb when it comes to what I want from other people. Is this something that most people experience? Alone for so long,Depression +37818,at first i thought i wa being picky but i kid you not i ve worked at over 0 different company over the last ten year don t get me wrong some job were garbage and had high turnover to begin with but other job people would go crazy over from some of the most reputable company in my area to the easiest work for great pay many of these job are not in a field i m passionate about the work stagnates i become disengaged and i quit if it s not that my coworkers or my supervisor suck if it s not that the schedule is off if it s not that the pay is off hell if it s not any of that a speck of dirt landed on my shirt so screw this place i m leaving i m terrified of being stuck somewhere i don t want to be and it gradually defining my career but the more i jump around the more time i waste in the process people younger than me are becoming my bos and i sit here wondering exactly what i m doing with my life and what i even want to be doing with my life i m year old i haven t had a long lasting job let alone a solid romantic relationship in over a decade the more time that creep by the harder it get i ve worked so many job now and have become so experienced doing so many different task i can very quickly spot out a bad gig or come to a decision if it s an environment i want to be in when i wa a kid working the only job i ve spent more than three year at my supervisor told me i should be a drifter in life and jump from town to town at the time i didn t think much of it today however i wonder if that s really what my true aim should be considering i ve kind of been doing that for most of my adult life anyway fuck,Depression +16563,it is always me asking people questions never the other way. it is always me chasing people and I hate it it is super frustratingIt makes me feel like I am not good enough or likeable it is like I base my self worth on how others reply to me. Many people say I need self improvement but I do not know where to start..I stopped watching porn 2 days ago I do not have any urges and I deleted all social medias. I do not know where to go from hereThere is so much to do so little time. So many careers and choices and so many interestsAnd I live in a small fucking town where only soccer thought is available as a hobby. Fucking nothing else. I have no idea what to talk about with people. Talk about them? Okay but I still run out of things to say. I have no fucking idea what to do,Depression +20248,at this point what is the reason to live. I cannot make anyone happy in my life not even myself. this feeling has been lingering with me since I was in highschool 14M now 19M. I just do not know what to do with myself. it just feels like I am just living for other people so... what is the point in staying here just suffering. I do not want to be here anymore. I just feel like I fail everyone I meet. The Point,Depression +14221,"man my family always been fighting.I almost get into accident that can because death about 2 time and no one give a fuck.I get rejected by my crush and get mock by the whole school.I get bulied when until I get bleeding and I try to fight back but teacher blame me because the bully kid was the principal kid.I do not know man sometime when I tell my friend about my problem they will reply with ""such a drama queen"",""its your false tho"",""who cares"" even worse they will ignore me.You know covid is making it worse I cannot see my friend,I cannot learn normally and burning up my teenage time.I sick,tired and sad.I do not good at learning either sport so how my future.My toxic aunt always says ""just look at your father"",""such a shame to have you in our family"".so I end up with clueless solution.What should I do to get rid of this feeling.I do not know how t describe but it pain deep inside my heart.Every night I will cry out of sudden.Why just why its me.At this point I just do not see what to do.Drugs?Suicide?Working? After 2 year I will finish the school and go to University or College.other than that, I also having many acne I feel shame and afraid to meet people I do not know man why just why.I mean why I got this feeling since kid.How to get rid this feeling,acne and even this sadness how? Sometimes it just make me afraid to staying alive for no reason at all. I,m sorry if this is wasting your time or making you feels hate on me I do not know what to do man",Depression +47220,"Sometimes I find comfort in my depression It has been this way for so long, I can't imagine myself without feeling this way. It started off as crying myself to sleep because I didn't feel at home and safe no matter what I did. Everything was out of place, my existence was wrong. Around 4 years after that, which is now, I started antidepressants. Idk if they really don't work and my body is fighting against them, or if I put myself in the “they don't work” mindset to the point they actually don't. But the first few weeks I was horrified of actually getting better. Now that the meds stopped working, I'm not panicking anymore. Starting treatment was my dream for so long, now I hate the idea of it. I find comfort in my sorrows. I got too deep into being helpless and accepted that I couldn't get out, so I decided to make it a safe space for myself. I don't know if I want to be better. I never thought healing would be harder than my depression. I have no idea if I'm weird or stupid, or maybe both. I feel helpless.",Depression +40642,apsanabegummp ucu it s like he entirely discounted the idea that staff at non striking university might also be suffering depression overwork stress anxiety would it really be such a terrible thing to lead an investigation into the extent of these issue in the sector,Depression +18078,"i often see myself in a pitch black room, i can see, feel, touch, taste, and hear. in the distance, i see everything and everyone I have ever loved or cared about, so i start running to grab their arms as they reach out to grab me, but no matter how fast or how long i run, its always the same distance away. i feel the overwhelming urge to breakdown and cry but when i try, i cannot, I am mad but i do not feel anger, I am sad but do not feel sadness, i feel nothing but despair and loneliness. my emotions lost to the void that I am so desperately trying to escape. i fall to my knees with my head facing the ground, two choices lay in front of me, 1. to continue trying no matter how hard or exhausting it is and no guarantee that ill ever succeed in reaching them, 2. a game over switch, but no matter how long I am running or trying i always reach for the first one because i do not want to give up, i do not want to end things, but I am scared that if i do not reach them, that eventually ill choose option 2 and that terrifies me. i doubt i ever will take option 2 but i feel the longer i try the more likely it could happen.Note, I am not suicidal, this is just what my depression feels like This is what my severe depression feels like",Depression +21978,"I stay in one area, do the same shit day in and day out while other people have their own stories. I am not even an interesting NPC. At least my cat likes me. I am just an NPC",Depression +38535,i m an year old male and i have spent my last couple year with little hope and lot of sadness i am writing this after failing my rd driving test 0 each i have failed my test time and just been working a fuck tonne at mcdonald s to pay for my repeated failure that s not the start though i m estranged from my family my biological dad left probably for a good reason been threatened to be kicked out my house keep in mind i need to pas my test before i leave my house for a job which is making it even more stressful most in part to my drug addiction mainly weed yes weed i ve tried to quit weed time in the last month and the furthest i ve achieved is four day before smoking again this girl i really liked dipped after one night i wanted to go to uni but got a senior year score of about out of 99 at this point i just think i m going to fail forever i feel almost selfish for making myself sound like i m experiencing what ukrainian are right now but the constant cloud of pain is so much can someone please help me see the bigger picture i m sorry,Depression +47986,"Lucky in everything but love. Makes it all feel so hollow. This is going to sound so self indulgent because I really have managed to make a great life for myself in so many respects. Im a man in my late 30s and I have already seen and done things that very few people on Earth ever have. I have a great career making six figures. Own my own house/property. I have a great relationship with all of my family. I have cultivated so many friends over the years. I’m a rock in many peoples lives. I’m the guy people can count on to help them out with anything they need. I love people and helping people. + +I was an idiot in my 20s chasing the one that got away in a toxic on again off again relationship and when I finally thought it was all going to work out I got cheated on by her with a guy twice our age. Years later she wrote me a letter apologizing for it all. I fell into depression and let myself go after this. I came out of it and managed to find purpose in my work and hobbies. I lost 100 lbs to get in shape. And… nothing. For whatever reason I can’t find love. I’ve literally traveled to every continent on Earth, made a lot of money, taken care of my physical appearance and for whatever reason I still can’t find anyone who loves me which makes it all feel so hollow. I don’t feel like anyone owes me love, I’m just sad and depressed that halfway through my life I can’t say that I’ve ever truly received it despite trying pretty hard to find it for a long time. + +Recently I started seeing a girl who I thought had the potential to be the one for months and now she has had some freak personal trauma unrelated to me but that is causing her to push me away and now I’m just sitting here in my empty house again. I wanted to have a family and every day it feels like it’s more likely it will never happen. I am not suicidal in any way but it definitely feels like dying on the vine inside each day that passes.",Depression +13546,"Apologies for the somewhat misleading title. I am not exactly sure if it can be changed.As a student, this is my life:Go to classes - gets anxious because as soon as something becomes hard, I tend to ruminate about it and lose focus. Everything is an effort - do I do any work? Hell no. I am very lazy. I just cannot bring myself to do anything.My room is a mess. Cannot stay organized for the life of me. My desk was full of papers but they were only chucked on the floor so I could put my computer there to do remote learning. After I leave a class, I am meant to do work assigned by the teachers. Do I do that? No. Every test I have studied for has been the night before. Somehow I am getting decent grades. But I feel like I am not living up to my potential and I am more stressed and anxious in the process.The thought that everything is too hard and having unrealistic expectations is killing me. I am just unable to do things for some reason. I have no idea if this is an executive function issue, my anxiousness about perfectionism holding me back or because of my flat mood. The doctor was suspicious when I mentioned ADHD and said I sound more like an anxiety and depression case. The indicators of ADHD I do have are: executive dysfunction - trouble with executing tasks, cannot sit through tasks like lectures that require sustained attention (unless it is the night before something is due), often has uncompleted tasks, often makes careless errors. But I am unsure if anxiousness about performance is causing these things to occur. The thing is, I have felt like this since early in life. I hardly remember the bulk of my childhood but I remember even doing homework in the class right before I have to hand it in. Homework that did not matter. On that note, maybe I keep doing this because consequences do not really seem to affect me? there is also emotional dysregulation. Up until my teens, I had a very low frustration tolerance (and still do now although I have learnt to express it in different ways) which would result in yelling at my parents and having breakdowns. A few were to do with school because I could not handle the pressure. I also have a foggy brain. Probably because of sleep deprivation that happens sometimes due to staying up too late.Lately I have been feeling really flat because I have developed low self-esteem and the thoughts, ""I hate my life"" or ""Why do I exist?"" have been popping into my head, and they are enough to make me cry. Every single day. On top of the possibility of having ADHD, life is scary. Every little setback makes me cry. I cry more than the average person. Rejection hits me incredibly hard - a friendship breakup and bullying at the beginning of my teens turned me into a nonfunctional human being and I never understood how people can get over that shit so easily. It took me at least a year to fully get over it and forgive the other people for their shit in my head. I mean, I did have no support during that time so I guess it is understandable. I am weak and not very resilient anymore. it is like I am a shrivelled plant and I want to give up. I feel like I do not have ADHD and I am just lazy and depressed, and I am trying to give myself an excuse for not trying hard enough. Maybe it is mild or sub threshold, but still there. Who knows. I cannot cope anymore. I have no coping skills whatsoever except numbing the pain with music only to find it resurfaces later. It is not problem focused coping. I also have no hobbies. I cannot stick to anything. Maybe because I do not achieve mastery or a good standard in a short amount of time?I feel like the last time I really lived my life was when I was a child, happy and using my imagination. Since ""teenagehood"", my life has been a downhill spiral, and although I have got a wonderful and supportive bunch of friends and family, and I have so many opportunities, I have still turned out like this. tl;dr: feeling incredibly low and hopeless, anxious about school, possibly dealing with ADHD symptoms and it has been on my mind for a while, which is causing me to feel worse. Executive dysfunction, anxiety, and depression",Depression +15468,"Its easy to say no, everyone does. I am hurting and have been for a long time. I do not have anything, anyone, any place to call home nor genuine happiness within myself. I am nothing and do not want to be here anymore. How do I leave and ensure the plan goes through? I just want to feel loved and want all of this pain to go away. Should I?",Depression +25152,"No matter what the method is, killing yourself is always going to be awful. And when you have such little motivation to do anything its hard to psyche yourself up to just do it. But if killing myself was as simple as pushing a button, Id have done it long ago. I am not afraid of dying, its the thought of having to continue living that terrifies me. If I could kill myself by pushing a button Id have done it long ago",Depression +13231,"Maybe I am just getting bad again, but... Why are the days just slipping away? One bleeds into another with nothing to show for. they are all so foggy and nothing ever happens. It seems the only thing I ever do is Work, clean, barely sleep and eat. Even on my days off, it seems nothing happens except cleaning.it is so boring and mind numbing to repeat this cycle every day. I want to be happy and feel some kind of excitement, but I am so tired and fogged in the head that I cannot do anything about it.Surely there is more to life than this? Am I really supposed to do this cycle every day until I retire or keel over? Is this really what life is supposed to be?",Depression +13176,"This is a cycle and I thought for a while that I was overcoming it but today I am back to ground zero. I thought I was getting okay-ish but overthinking kind of ruined it all. My sleep schedule, my appetite and my mood is all f*cked up again. I am so lost, I am so damn living in dark about nearly everything. 4 am. Been up all night thinking of ""everything that has and would happen"". Again",Depression +47381,I just want to disappear I've had depression for about 25 years now. I try working on myself and things seem to get better in a sense and I was even started talking to a female and things seem just a little brighter for a moment. That was until I found out that my best friend of 20 years now is fucking her and telling her all kinds of shit that's just outright untrue. I'm not sure if this is the right sub to post stuff like this but I just feel lost and I'm not sure what to do,Depression +18474,"""I was once a flower. My petals were small and wilted around the edges, for as I was growing I did not receive enough sunlight. That did not matter to you. You were a caterpillar. A hungry caterpillar. You ate my petals. You savored their flavor. Day after day you would take the tiniest nibble from me. It took years before you had eaten me away until I was nothing. By then, everyone had forgotten I was once a flower. I remember.""How do you interpret this? How do you interpret this?",Depression +11123,Pls just tell me and stop giving me suicide hotlines Any painless suicide methods?,Depression +37979,year old here i hate myself so much i wish i could be different more motivated i wish i wasn t so skinny i wish i could be braver funnier more fun to be around more cool more outgoing and calm i m an anxious loser who stress over everything but doesn t try and be better i wish girl would talk to me thats all i want a girl to like me i wish i could feel the happiness of someone liking me,Depression +26823,Every day is different. Some days are better than others. For some reason today I am really missing you. Its been difficult today. Its a difficult one today,Depression +12348,"Currently going through a rough patch again. Had half of a ""falling out"" situation with my parents recently. Relationship with my (bipolar) girlfriend is on a mutually imposed hiatus because she wants to be alone a lot lately having started a new job after being out of work for over a year and a half needing to adjust I guess and me being someone that enjoys and needs affection. And two days ago my car broke down. Just came home from my work summer event (professional life is going great actually but atm I feel like I am just functioning). Came home and immediately grabbed my guitar and started playing and singing my soul out to the song ""Dead Flowers"" by the Rolling Stones (playing the Townes Van Zandt version). And then it happened. A genuine flashback. 4 years ago I was on a kind of soul searching trip in Vietnam. Sitting on a Rooftop in Hanoi I played guitar and sang by myself and this girl was watching me and after a brief moment of silence she looked me dead in the eye and said ""You sing when you are sad, do not you?"" And it hit me like a truck. I do not know why I am even posting this on here. I guess I juest need to vent. I really really hope that our hiatus will work out. I still do not know how I will get through the next 4 weeks but I will manage somehow because she is worth it to me... we have been really good friends on a deep level for years and our relationship just started in February of this year. At the start of this year everything was going so well. I was out of therapy and started a new career path in IT and then ""we"" happened. And now it feels like everything is falling apart. I just hope I will have the strength to carry on. Because at the moment that is the only thing left for me to do. Again I do not know why I am posting this here. I guess some words of encouragement would be nice. I do not know... I hope you are all having a better night than I am. The question that felt like a shot straight through the heart.",Depression +12411,"Therapy is so expensive, and it is completely unpredictable if the therapist will even be able to healthily provide for your needs and personality. I had a therapist who was shit, she rambled too much about her own life and gave me toxic advice. But I thought that there was no way out, and three year later I am still struggling. Everyone tells you to go to therapy as if its free, even I have done that at times. Every time I crave the thought of therapy and feel like I desperately need it, I think about the price, and I am immediately pulled off. I want to go to therapy, but the price feels like an obstacle that you need to constantly pass.I get that people have to make livelihoods, but I have to pay more than quadruple what my age group can make in an hour to just talk about my feelings and for them to tell me stuff I already know. When people say that money does not make happiness, think about therapy. I have done hours of research trying to find a cheaper therapist, but the cheapest I found is like 35. Why does therapy cost so much, but the advice to do it is thrown everywhere?",Depression +18810,"I might not belong in this chat but I just wanted to get this off my chest . Delete if necessary. But I been dealing with some anxiety for as long as I could remember but whenever I get into a relationship with anyone it seems to heighten my anxiety. I am currently in a relationship with this incredible person (or that is what he portrays to me at least). He cooks for me, cleans, really does everything that a boyfriend should do. But I am always getting these voices in my head telling me hes cheating, hes not actually into me, hes waiting for someone better, just playing with my emotions, hes things from me and plenty more scenarios that play over in my head. All these things might not be true but its hard to get past the voices in my head but its hard for me to just tell myself that its me overthinking everything and just worrying over nothing. Hes always reinsuring me that he wants to be with me and he would not be with me if he did not want to be here . But I been with horrible guys in the past that did horrible things to me and want to blame them for why I am like this, but it gets to a point to where I have to look at myself and say its me and my mental health. Here an example of the most recent thing:I was getting out the shower and came out of the room and I noticed he was sad and I proceeded to ask him what is wrong and hes tells me hes having some family drama but hes okay, so I proceeded to give him a hug but I am the back of my head I am thinking maybe someone he was talking to broke up with him and hes sad, hes not happy being with me, or he wants to end things but scared to because he will hurt my feelings. He barely tells me anything about he so I assume hes hiding things from me. I am always the one telling him things about me. Its like hes closed off. But he says hes wants to be with me and have kids.Also he has this thing where he said he would never post me on his social media because hes a private person, so my friends and family are the only people that knows about us and I just feel like someone hes hiding me, so i feel like he does not like me. He tells me that my friends and family should be enough and I should not worry about anyone else knowing. It could be because hes not out yet but I would love to be for people to know about me on his social media. But to sum everything up I looking for advice on how to stop the voices and just be happy with the guy I am with. We only been together for a little over a month, yes I know that is very short but I am known to catch feelings very fast.Thanks for listening to my horrible life Am I overthinking?",Depression +40944,abitofdarkness the thing about depression is that you dont feel sad you feel sick sick of life sick of yourself and sick of everyone and everything around you depression make you hate everything it make you angry it like being http t co spnyeolkd,Depression +38299,got graded e for three of my lesson and it triggered something in me it reminded me of how much a worthless degenerate that i am i m so fucking stressed out i never normally let it get to me but this year last year of school it ha started to hurt me on top of that my rib mostly center part arm and back all fucking hurt it s not even an ache there s this physical pain that hurt and it make me feel weak and even more depressed,Depression +38292,i m so tired of this i don t even know where to start so i ll just say what come up out of the top of my head a i write this i came here so that i could vent about some college related stuff at the beginning of the semester i decided to enroll in class to pick up the pace and get on schedule to graduate i wasn t necessarily looking forward to it but i wasn t regretting it either until now that is since the start of the semester i ve been feeling like i just can t pay attention i find all my class to be extremely uninteresting and i don t even take note every week is just a struggle to get through it without any prep time for the next one i swear there hasn t been one week where i don t have any homework all five of my class have already given the first partial exam later than usual and a expected they were all essentially at the same time it wasn t until this week that all the result came back and obviously it wasn t pretty so for the first partial exam out of all five i got f s in of them a c pretty proud of it actually and a b i know that perhaps i haven t been trying my hardest since i really don t pay attention in class i watch the recording and study for them later but i wa devastated regardless i spent countless hour studying for them only to see failure hit my liver i have so little energy that i can t even cry about how i failed the first exam of of my class i ve been so stressed out that a rash started popping up in my neck and chest i ve never been failing this hard in my life and frankly i m scared i can t show my true emotion because i don t want anyone to worry and i can t talk to my therapist because of the time my study consume at the end of the day all i feel is anxiety and the despair of having to repeat class and be even further behind schedule for graduation,Depression +10913,"I feel like life is passing me by. I am 27 and working a dead end job struggling to make ends meet. The job I have is hard on my anxiety which means I am constantly in a bad mood or burned out most of the time. When I come home all I want to do is crawl in bed and eat. it is the only place where I feel safe and secure. When I eat it is like all the good-feeling hormones normal healthy people experience finally enter my brain. it is almost like a euphoric sense of comfort nothing else brings me. I cannot afford therapy. I was looking at this online therapy program but it costs $90 a week. that is what I spend in Uber to get to work each week, and I can barely afford that. I do not get out much and do not have friends. I miss riding a bike but the area I am currently living in is not very bike-friendly and there is crime. Biking used to be how I got my frustrations and anxiety out and it kept me in shape.I am also struggling with masturbation. Once or twice a week I fantasize about encounters I will never have with imaginary people and it makes me feel loved and wanted for a few seconds. I long for touch and to be held. Fantasizing kind of gives me those feelings if I try real hard, kind of like how food comforts me. Then afterwards I feel horrible for what I did and ask God for forgiveness. I do not feel like a good person. I think I am a horrible person. I feel out of control. What can I do? Food and masturbation have become the only things that make me feel better.",Depression +26129,"During high school I would cry pretty much every single day when I got back home. I was going through horrible low moods, my sleep schedule was incredibly messed up and I would just want to sleep and stay in bed when possible. I had no drive or motivation for anything, but I just continued with the routine of daily life and what is expected of a high school student. At the time I did not really realise I was depressed, I thought it was just a rough patch that would hopefully stop one day. I knew I was exhibiting symptoms of depression but I never really thought this is depression and I am depressed as though there were something wrong with me mentally, and that it all lied with me as an individual and my character.I then got into University and hoped for a fresh start. I had a decent time there and socially had no problems, but I myself as an individual was still pretty much depressed and struggled academically. This significantly increased my stress and at times my depression and throughout University, I never really had the opportunity to have a pure break because I would have to study throughout the holidays. Whilst I had multiple break downs throughout, I do not think it was as bad as during school.Done with University and back with my family, because I wanted to take a small break from everything. I used to have a lot of problems with my parents, particularly with my mother and my moving back was most probably not best for my mental health. Again, almost like at school, I would cry quite regularly and feel incredibly low with no drive or motivation. Went through two years of horrible fights with them but ultimately, I believe I have finally managed to patch things up with my mother. We most probably have the best relationship right now than we have had for the past 10 years. At that time, I realised that I have been pretty much depressed since high school, driven by my relationship with my parents. I still hold negative feelings towards them sometimes, but we r both working to being better with each other. I got back to University but still am with my family. With the pandemic, I am stuck at home most of the time. I am extremely introverted and honestly relish the time where I am completely alone. However, being at home with studies and my family has been quite stressful and throughout the past year, the stress has been continuously building up. My parents mental health had also been struggling with the pandemic and as I have pretty much since I was a kid, I would support them a lot during these times. This also subtly contributed to my stress. I had not managed to have an actual break, (though I do have long periods of stress induced procrastination) and eventually I messed something up a month ago and had a horrible break down, like the ones I had during the worst of my times back during my old University or school years. I felt like this time, I ridiculously felt the physical effects of stress and depression, and really felt like they could kill me. For what has been pretty much a decade of depression, bad sleep and poor coping skills with stress, I have experienced physical symptoms like pain. But right now, I feel like its all building up to the point of boiling over (or it already has). I am repeating the same cycle of procrastination, self hate, not recovering from feeling horrible and stressed, even though I really do try to go to sleep earlier or exercise/go out for walks. I really do not need to socialise with people and I do maintain decent contact with my friends. I feel depressed pretty much 24/7 when I am not distracting myself with music, media entertainment, socialising. I cannot focus on my studies at all and I am just so tired. I have been tired for a decade and I just do not know what to do anymore. I always tell myself that one day it just will not be like this, but I am exhausted, drained and no matter how much I rest I just feel horrible. I do not know what to do anymore. Depressed since high school",Depression +39622,anyone suffering from depression and or is suicidal whatever it may be i truly hope you the best ik how hard it fucking is unfortunately i lost the battle it s the last thing i wanted to do i know i m young but fought for so long to be happy exhausted every option but it s just too much pain not gon na get into all the detail to what happened to cause a lot of this feel like it wouldn t accomplish anything amp this post won t even be noticed just leaving a digital footprint ig already wrote letter for my parent and little brother amp close friend this thing happened about when i wa and have been dealing w it since and it s mentally taxing and caused severe depression stress amp pain amp turned my once happy outgoing self threw it in a fucking blender can t say i didn t try though just get to a point where every option available you took and you tried your hardest to get over what happened and get life back to normal and everything throw you back to the fuckin ground then you realize there really is nothing you can do and look back at how long you ve been trying and how hard you tried it s painful n i ll no longer by suffering by 0 pm wish you all the best stay solid,Depression +24215,"hey you all, sorry for any formatting issues I am on mobile. i think i may need some tough love. I have been struggling for bit with work. finally coming back into the swing of things, and even may go for a promotion! (with works encouragement) i still was hoping my therapist would allow me to have a few mental health days a month, nothing crazy just 1 or 2. i do not get a lot of PTO and can get written up for absences with no doctor note. well therapist said no, that its a crutch and I am not doing myself any favors by taking days off. maybe she is right but I am pretty upset, i feel like my safety net has been ripped from under me. I have been consistent with going to work I am just stressed not having the buffer and losing my job if i have a day where i slip back into those super dark places. is she right? is it okay for me to be upset? or am i just silly for even hoping for this, as it is almost a luxury in a sick sort of way. idk, I am just disappointed in myself most of all for even needing the accommodation and feeling kind of embarrassed for even bringing it up. Therapist denied time off, for the best?",Depression +39225,he s high energy and strong willed he s only he mind and respect me but sometimes his persistence becomes too overwhelming to handle he will argue his point like a lawyer with every simple task or question i ask him and it s exhausting he sends me into an anxiety attack on occasion such a yesterday how do i keep my cool i want him to keep being himself questioning thing sticking up for himself etc but sometimes just a simple yes mom would be so relieving to hear,Depression +8465,"hi. i recently moved into my own apartment. i got a job walking distance from it, because i do not drive. this morning i was let go, something about I am not what they were looking for. its in a restaurant where they are supposed to be fast paced. they threw me into the kitchen day one with barely any training, no orientation or anything. so yeah, i was not going to be why they wanted until they gave me some proper fucking training. anyways, my roommate said she would help with rent this month. and with the remaining check i should be getting, as well as some help from my financial aid from college, ill be fine for rent next month. but I am getting nervous. i still need money for things like my phone bill. and groceries. and i just feel like such a failure. like I am becoming useless and my roommate is going to hate me. i do not know, i just need to find another job but its hard when i have to walk. this is not supposed to be a pity party or anything, i just need a place to vent and express my feelings without loading it onto my friends or family who will probably think I am a failure lol. just hoping things will be better and I am overreacting. feeling helpless",Depression +9766,"I recently lost my job, and while waiting for unemployment in my area which is still backed up, lost my car. I managed, due to finally getting my stimulus, to make an over $1200 payment to the bank to get my car back. I was not told until after this that I would then have to pay the place where my car is being held a $25/day fee from the time my car was taken from me. I feel beyond overwhelmed at this point because I am out of funds and my car is just stuck. I have gone through almost every channel I can think of to try and get assistance and I just feel like I am at the end of my rope. I cannot see my daughter without a vehicle, and job options are extremely limited in my area without a car. I wake up with just no will or energy to even go about my day. I end up trying to just sleep most of it away. Getting even simple things from a store is a huge hassle for me now. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am at my wit's end",Depression +18446,"I have been taking fluoxetine for a few months, and now I really miss my old self, crying praying to be dead type self. I am not sure why I miss it but it makes me frustrated that I do not spend hours in my bed sobbing all night. Going to stop taking my pills tomorrow.",Depression +11537,"The title is not meant to discourage others, but it is what I feel things have come to in my personal experience with life. I just want to get some stuff of my chest, even though it will not help for long. What better place to do it- than *Reddit*? I do not know, but I will still do it. I do not expect anyone to say the magic words that help, so this is again more for me to unload. However there is a possibility someone can help- so it does not hurt. I also rarely write large amounts of texts like this, so I am sorry for the confusion you might get from the out of order- randomness- etc.. from this text.This is also going to be really long, as I will include many things- both as background and as reason.If you struggle with things yourself, please do not take my text as a sign to be discouraged. I feel terrible when I see others struggle and I wish I could help them. **let us start with a little about me:**My first name is Adrian- the rest will remain anon. I am just about to turn 24 years old, live in Norway and have a stable full time job. I have an apartment, a car and money is not an issue.When most people hear that, they think I have life perfectly under control- that I am more lucky than others. And- to a degree that is true. I have been more lucky than many people in this world- but it is not what I have in my possession that brings me happiness. What brings me down is my social anxiety- combined with depression. I have a *somewhat different* type of social anxiety, but I was still diagnosed with it. I can be in crowds, be it in malls or shopping centers- stores- whatever it might be without an issue. Talking to strangers is not an issue, unless it is random chatting. By that I mean, if I am to pay for what I am buying and have do exchange a few words with the clerk in order to get something from the medical cabinet or something similar I have no issues at all. I think that is because I know what to say, how to respond and all that- it is all been done before enough times where I am comfortable doing it. When it comes to random chat however... it is tough to even do with my family. Primarily because I have nothing to talk about. When I am at work, and my colleagues are having a chat- I never join in because I have no clue how to participate. Even the colleague who is just 1 year older than me seems to have done a million more things and therefor have a lot more to talk about. While I sit there, trying to think of *something* interesting I can mention- but I am completely blank. When I do however get asked about something I do know, it is quite alright- until I make some sort of mistake (like stating a fact, that turned out to be false) I feel like an idiot. I do not show that though- I shrug it off and pretend I found it sort of funny. I live most of my life currently pretending I am happy, like everything is fine. I work at a place I cannot show my depression to others. I imagine most places would be like that however. I am quite good at that now, do not think most people know my life is... bad. **let us go back in time a bit:**Quite early in my life, after changing schools because of moving- I was starting to become a target from bullies. The good old classic. Some people would constantly pick on me, other people pretended to be disgusted when I was nearby- some just ignored me and so on. The school's solution to this was to remove me from class... I thought back then that was great, get me away from those people. I have however come to realize that it was probably a bad solution. I never got to work with other students, never really had a chance to socialize the little bit you can during class. I was alone, with a teacher of my own. I did have a few friends, so that was something- but long story short I messed that up and lost them.This went on until the end of 10th grade. Get bullied, picked on- and have a few nice people that I would stick with until something happened that made them go away. Then high school arrived- and I was excited for a new chance with new people. (and of course I liked the school.) The first few months, I attended school but gained no contacts. No one treated me bad so I did not really mind that.. Until one day where I entered my classroom, 2 girls were standing by the door and laughed when I passed them. Thinking back at it now, I think it was just a coincidence- but back then it dropped my self esteem right back to the ground. 1 of those girls I even found attractive, so that did not help. Then after a little more time things become quite good. I became friends with a few in class, and the rest still treated me quite alright. The only thing that made me feel bad was the thought I still had not had a girlfriend. (This was at the age of 16, quite early to sob about such a thing.). Year 2 of high school, I went the route for car mechanics. I was back at the start of having no contacts, friends or such. I was still treated alright by everyone though. I asked some people if I could join them when they drove to the store to get lunch (some were over 18)- and they said I would be able to join them- it one of the car seats were not taken by a spare wheel. I felt neutral about that, because at least they did not talk down on me or anything. Later that year I made friends again. Great right? Indeed it was, school was fun again. (Fun fact, one of the people in this group was the girl I earlier stated I found attractive.) The only relevant things from the rest of the year is about said girl. She was now a friend- and I did not want to ruin that. So despise people saying she was interested in me I took no chances. So I treated her as a friend, until near Christmas where I finally decided to somewhat casually ask her about going out and do something together. That was the day she just became the girlfriend of someone else in class. I was back at the bottom, but pretended to be happy. Back then I was terrible at pretending and people kept asking why I was down. did not feel it was worth talking about so I walked away. She, and the others though did remain my friends out that year. School year ended, and people from that group started to become somewhat snappy- passive aggressive. So I gave up on them too. I did however remain friends with said girls- boyfriend. Next year, I retake the same year but with another subject. Same procedure, sit alone most of the time at first- then I make 2 friends. We shared interest in gaming so we played online quite a bit. I believe these 2 were the best friends I had made. There is of course a girl in class I found attractive- and she had a difficult personality to understand... I misunderstood her all the time and kept thinking she despised me. That of course did make me feel horrible a lot during that year. At this time, I do believe my main because of depression was things like this. The year ends, and I have to find a job- but I fail. I think I got 1 singular interview during the summer. They did not want me there so I was without a job. Here is where I got lucky, a company calls me and asks me to come in for an interview. I get there, and see the ""attractive girl from last school year"" was also called in for an interview. At this point I do however realize I am not despised and we had neutral opinions of each other. (At least that is what I believe). Both of us get the job (as apprentices), so there is that. During the next 2 years nothing interesting happens, except me constantly feeling horrible about life- and not having a single good experience on apps like Tinder and so on. Before I continue, let us fill out a bit how dating apps have hurt me. By the time I had reached 18, my depression was quite strong. I did honestly feel like people hated me but were nice and hid it. While using the apps, I was often unmatched within the first 5 seconds of matching. That did hurt when it had happened for the 20th time. I never dared to say hi to anyone- so that is my fault I guess. Those who said hi to me first- made me feel good! For about 5 minutes until you could clearly tell in the messages they were uninterested. (Like the saying, talking to a wall.)These apps, did bring me even further down overall. Never up. Back to the real life part. &#x200B;After 2 years you take sort of an exam, and after that you are no longer an apprentice. I scored maximum. (3 points, excellent.) So did the girl I was working with. One of the people I worked with suggested I invited the girl out for a ""celebratory"" dinner for finishing school 100% with a good score. It was worth a shot. She denied that immediately. (This did, once again- destroy me inside, but in the long run it was for the better.) Both of us get's the opportunity to continue working for a partner company as long as the interview goes well. That it did. We both remained colleagues so that is when I realized it was indeed good she said no. About at this time though, I make a incredibly stupid decision to ""reset my social life"". I thought if I could get myself into a completely new social environment I would maybe have a better life in general. I did this because I was still constantly feeling horrible- like people disliked me and such. After this I never made new friends, and 3- soon 4 years later here I am- still alone. I have never found another opportunity even to make new friends, I no longer meet new people. The people I meet at work are a lot older (no offence to them). And those my age still seem to look down on me. That is the big thing with me, I feel like everyone looks down on me- even without proof. The thing is, with social anxiety- is one notices so many details of how one reacts to your presence. Even to details that were never even there. I still am like this... Quite a bit of people have given me suggestions on how to deal with things- I have even tried talking to a psychologist. Nothing worked. When people say good things to be- it goes in one ear, and out the other. When people say rude things, it sticks like glue. I cannot take praises seriously anymore. I cannot take advices. I do not see the worth of anything. All in all, I ***really*** wish I never existed. I have done nothing good to this world. I have been destroyed- I no longer want help. I just want it to be over. The only things that make me feel good, even just for a moment- is random things like a stranger saying something nice. Compliments from people I know, do nothing. I honestly think, the only thing that would get me out of this she will- is a semi-random situation that for example results in me making a new acquaintance. But we all know that is not how the world works, especially for someone who is always at home when he is not at work. Summary: I do not think I can be helped anymore. My mind instantly switches anything positive to the negative. I was recently back at a neutral state, but then I had yet again a negative experience with another person- which brought right back down to the floor. I feel worthless- and all the other negative emotions one tend to feel during depression. This text became a complete mess, I know. There is even a ton of stories I wanted to fit in- but it will just clutter it all up at this point. The results of my depression was, a couple years back I made a deal with myself.I will give life a chance to redeem itself. I have set a date in the future- which I will not share- but it is still several years until. If I still live alone, with no friends- with no sense of purpose- with ***no light in the tunnel*** I am in... I will take my leave. It did in a way help to unload this, but not as much as I had hoped- because it did at the same time bring back couple bad memories of life.. I do not really plan on paying attention to the comments here, but knowing myself I will probably still do it. I would also like to finally point out, that (as mentioned partially in rule 5.) most replies with long explanations that in short just tells you that ""just to this and it all works out"" will not work. I am a very complicated work of machinery (not literally). For those who are just reading- thanks for your time, and if you are struggling with something I do truly hope you figure it out.. I know how it is... I just cannot figure out my issues. Not everyone can be helped",Depression +25785,"I am 25 years old and have dealt with depression since I was about 11. I am at this point where I cannot help but wonder if I will live with it for the rest of my life. My life has a foundation of guilt because of my family. I grew up without a dad and only ever had my mom and two older sisters. I learned early on that our family was skilled at guilt-tripping each other. For some reason, it seriously affected me. I did not realize it until my current therapist pointed it out; I do not feel so sorry around men, but any woman can make me feel guilty with just a look. I am not trying to be misogynistic, it is just how I function. I tear up when I have to explain to an instructor that I am submitting an assignment late, I have avoided the dentist because the receptionist reminds me too much of my mom and I am overdue for an appointment, and I have a hard time telling my psychiatrist that a medication is not working. I apologize to my girlfriend for my depression almost every day. I even apologize when I climax. I feel like I have tried all the coping methods by now, but they do not stick. I feel like a burden on my partner, and that drives the guilt. The worst part is that I sometimes wish she would leave me so I could just end it.I am sorry if this is rambling, I just feel like this is the first clear thought I have had in a while. I do not know a life without guilt or depression.",Depression +11627,"Is it normal to feel physical pain in my chest (and some other parts) when I am very sad and depressed? In these moments/phases it feels like a big, heavy rock or something, sometimes I even feel like I want to throw up to get rid of it. it is weird and makes it harder to calm down/feel better again because it is not just thoughts you can try to push away. Physical unease/pain?",Depression +38616,i m doing really bad mentally i don t feel up to typing a paragraph explaining what s wrong in my life rn i just want somebody to acknowledge me and let me know that it s gon na be okay,Depression +27063,"there is nothing more to it, while everyone else is living their best life I am slowly killing myself in my house I see everyone around me, even my friends having great time during the summer whilst I am at home popping pills, getting drunk and it is just such a pain",Depression +37958,it is incredible how much your own mentality can manipulate you the thing is that every day i feel alone and much more alone and with many thought the thing is that i have friend who support me daily but i don t understand why my mind make me think and feel that i am alone and that there is no one else everything that can affect just your mentality is very fucked up,Depression +17027,"When I was barely over the age of one, cps took me away from my birth mom. Needless to say, I was found in a terrible state. The very first family to take me in as a foster child, eventually they were able to adopt me when I was 3. Sadly though, I was forced to continue my relationship with my mother throughout the years I was a foster child, which was ultimately detrimental in how I ended up. Luckily it was a closed adoption, sadly though, the parents who had adopted me, had divorced a few years later. My mom got me and the other kids, while occasionally we would see our dad. Though, my mother would rarely let me see my father. It was obvious from the start, I was different from other kids. I look back on it, and I realize just how much of a struggle I had to deal with. I attended special classes for my speech impediment, I was always getting bad grades and I just did not understand ANYTHING. Instead of getting me help, my mother did not believe in medicine or doctors. I just recently found out that she knew I always had ADD, but never told me. She would ground me for not crying when someone I did not love, would die. I was always getting grounded and I was never allowed inside the house. No matter how hydrated I would get, she would not allow me inside, and she worked me like a slave. Only ever cleaning when I was inside. Eventually I ended up living with my dad and his new wife when I became a teen. I ended up getting caught having sex, and my father who was extremely strict, grounded me for years. I started getting treated like I was a dirty person, and that they would not feel comfortable allowing such a person around their kids. And to this day I am still treated like this. What more, I went back and forth between my mom and dad, eventually I was kicked out before I could graduate and have struggled ever since. I always struggled with depression, but as soon as I became an adult, I started truly feeling suicidal and depressed. I started coming out to my family, who I have Always had a rocky relationship with, and was always shut down and told to stick it up. They ignored my pain and suffering, and I refused to ever ask help from any of them. But my sister would always have my back, she would make sure I would not be homeless. And now I just find myself in a rut. I am in the first relationship I have had for years and its terrible. He deceived me into believing he was someone else, and like an idiot, I feel for it. he is made us get into tremendous debt, and now I find myself the lowest I could ever be. I have no motivation and I know I just cannot keep doing it anymore. I am tired, and I do not care to live. I do not care what happens after this, I just want to be set free from this misery. I also cannot help but resent my father, he has so much money yet he refuses to help anyone. He says to work hard, even if it means work 24/7, since he is an alcoholic. But I just struggle so much, and the fact that he is out there spending ridiculous amounts of money on the dumbest of stuff, but not on helping out his child that is struggling so much, who finally admitted to him that I have been suicidal.I have come to realize that all the abuse I went through as a child, has damaged me in a way that I can never hope to be normal. I still have a speech impediment, but I have learned to become the silent character. I know that I have some form of autism, I have looked up all the signs and I have worked so hard to understand myself. I do not want to be here anymore, and I guess really, I just want to be heard. Wanting Permission to Die",Depression +20115,"Is this what life is? Just going through the motions, chore after chore, for the rest of my life? Just one meaningless day after another? I ruined my life. I hate myself. I have no passion for life, no hope, no dreams anymore. I lost my chance at true love. I have no worthwhile future. I do not think I can do this anymore.",Depression +18088,"I was happy almost, not happy but like calm and stable in feeling sad I guess. Things have been very difficult lately and hurtful and I do not know what changed but I suddenly feel so depressed and tired Day goes fine then suddenly extremely sad",Depression +22185,"So a little back story first. When I was 6 my parents got divorced and a year later my dad got remarried. For the next 5 years the woman he married constantly told me I was not good enough, I was a disappointment, and that my family would be better off and happier without me. Eventually he ended up leaving her but every night I can hear her voice repeating those things to me. Shortly after they got divorced and a couple months later I tried to kill myself. I was put on antidepressants and have been on around a dozen different medications since because none seem to work. Middle school ended up being ok for me. I was comfortable being on my own and not having any friends. However, that changed when I got into highschool and on paper high school was good to me. I had a decent number of friends, went to parties, and generally was included in things. But for some reason my depression just kept getting worse and my junior year I almost took my life again. Fast forward to college and things seemed to start off well but then the pandemic hit and the friends I made at college all just forgot about me. Once we went back things seemed to get better but I was still very unhappy and was upset that my friends did not include in the things they used to. When I asked why one of them said it was because I always seemed sad and that I should try to be happier. So that is what I did. No matter how horrible I felt I always put on a mask and tried to be happy whenever I was around people. People even commented on how I seemed happier but it did not fix anything. I was just slowly pushed out of everything. I ended up finding out all my roommates made housing arrangements next year and I was not included and no one even asked what I was planning on doing. So by the time the semester ended and I came home I was in a really dark place. I ended up getting a job and started working out again and my mom is very happy to see that I am doing better but honestly I feel even worse then before. All I can think about is going someplace nice and hanging myself from a tree but I do not want to hurt her because she is the only person that has treated me like I matter in this world. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +24529,"""Bill, I believe this is killing me \*As the smile ran away from his face\* but I am sure that I could be a movie star, If I could get out from this place."" I hate my job. I feel how it is taking happines from me. Like John in ""Piano man""",Depression +48007,"I am filled with envy, pride and resentment. I will start of by saying that I may or may not be suffering from depression. Ever since I turned 21 I started feeling jelous towards my peers: profesionally, academically, relationship wise. I am 27 now and things haven't really improved. + +Everytime I try to share these emotions with someone, namely my mother she just brushed them off and made no big deal out of them. Telling me to just ""man up"" basically. When I shared them with friends they either said nothing or told me to get over it.. as such I bottle these feelings because it seems to be a nuisance to other people. Fucking assholes. + +I feel envy profesionally because I do not work in the places I wish to work and for positions I want to work at. I am underpaid, working a job I have grown out of for years. + +Relationship wise, I barely have any friends anymore after college. No partners due to me not taking the initiative to do so. Not due to lack of confidence but due to constant daydreaming and fantasizing about being in a relationship instead of actually pursuing it. + +I do not feel like an independent person, up till recently I was living with my parents and just now am learning to live on my own. I wanted this to be sooner but due to my own lack of initiative and financial struggles I was not able to. + +I have been addicted to pornography and videogames ever since I was a teen. Just now I am trying to fix these issues. But its hard man... really hard after 15 years of constant use. Makes me feel disgusting. Full of hatred. But at any inconvinience or struggle, I immediately resort to these two things. + +Lately I have been suffering from mood swings from manic anger and anxiety to relative peace serenity and reflection. Within the same hour even. I have also seemed to garner small panic attacks at the most ridiculous and inconsequential things that happen to me. + +I talk to myself. Alot. Alot alot over the years. For about a couple years now this self talk has turnt more negative over time. Insulting my own capability and intelligence at any mistake. + +There have also been times...in which I contemplated suicide... but not seriously. Just the idea of ending it all has crossed my mind. + +I dont really know why I wrote this. I guess I also have been feeling lonely.",Depression +15309,"I am still young (M18) but feel like there is no point in doing anything, I quit working bc it made me contemplate suicide, and no, it is not one job I hated, it is every single time i work. I have no hobbies that can make money, and even then, my hobbies become draining if i work. I tried streaming but I did not enjoy it after the first 10 minutes, I just felt like a loser. I do not know what to do, I have no SO and will never get one bc I do not have a job or good looks. I just wonder what do I do with my life? What do i do with my life?",Depression +39925,can someone help me out and give me the most effective way to just get lost money is not a problem nor making a mess,Depression +22283,"Hey. I go to UC Davis and it is a decent school and I am proud to be going to college in the first place. However, I completed fucked up my freshman and sophomore years by not attending classes and it is been getting worse and worse every semester and now I failed all 5 of my classes this past semester, and I will probably graduate one year late. My relative is paying for my tuition and I feel really bad wasting one year of tuition money. I have been telling my parents that I am getting straight As in all my classes because my asian parents have pretty high standards.Now this might sound like a very small problem however for the past 12 months I have not gone a single day without worrying and being anxious about this. It is literally crippling me which is why I think why I failed all 5 of my classes this last semester. Half of my waking hours are spent either worrying about my parents finding out or me getting suspended. I cannot get anything done in my life because I have spent literally THOUSANDS of hours worrying about me failing classes, which is ironically a big reason why I am failing my classes - too much worrying. i do not even know why I am writing this but I just do not know who to talk to about this. lying to parents about grades.",Depression +38350,sometimes i have strong emotion when i think about thing that happened in my life and how fcked up my life is since when i wa a kid till now and it seems that my life is ment to be doomed and sometimes i tell myself that i m tired of feeling emotion and i wish that i m completely numb to it sometimes i succeed to be emotionless to these feeling and sometimes it overwhelms me i m not sure what s wrong with me is it depression is it something else idk anymore,Depression +19734,I think I just need people somewhat like me to talk toI do not have the energy to get better right now. I just want to stay curled up in a ball on the sofa watching tv because at times it takes me away from my own reality. Feel hugged. <3 *Hugs*,Depression +38642,i know i can be intense to deal with when my anxiety kick in i don t know how to get out of the low just wanted to kill my self really,Depression +18959,"But it takes me up to 3 hours sometimes to get out of bed. I do not know why. On days that I work, I get up at the last possible second. How can I make this easier? I feel like such trash wasting so long in bed. I used to think me struggling to get out of bed was because I did not sleep enough",Depression +7152,Anyone else feel like their dog is the reason for living? Knowing something else in this world needs me and is always happy in my presence gives me reason to get up. Dog saved my life,Depression +11766,"Hi everyone, I wanted to write this to see whether or not people feel the same or whether or not I am going crazy. Basically, I am a 26 year old male and I am feeling bogged down by life and quite miserable. To give some background, I still live at home with parents, I have a fairly decent job, a girlfriend and a small group of close friends however over the past few years I have been struggling to feel content with life. I live in the uk and from a young age I have always craved adventure and living a exciting life. During my late teens and early 20s I have lived abroad, travelled the south east, been on multiple holidays but there is something I cannot quite put my finger on as to why I feel unhappy with life at the moment.Over the past few years transitioning from being a happy go lucky university student to then entering the real world has been a real struggle for me. The area I live has very little work opportunities and is known to be a less desirable part of the UK to live in. I feel that everyone does the same predictable routine of, working a job they hate Monday - Friday and then drink heavily on a weekend to numb the pain and then repeat (myself included). I really feel I am growing out of the uks drinking culture and want to completely change my lifestyle.I just feel that there has to be more to life than this. The majority of people I know are looking to get their first house/ engagement and to settle down but the thought of settling for this existence really scares me. I feel guilty for feeling this way, like I should be grateful that I have been dealt a fairly comfortable life. A week holiday once a year, an ok wage, food in the fridge and a caring family but I cannot help feeling that there has got to be more to life than this. I crave community, travel, adventure, good relationships, passion, excitement. But at the moment I feel dull and like the energy has been sucked out of me through joining the 9-5 rat race and falling into the trap that everyone does.I suppose the reason for writing this was to understand whether it is normal to feel like this?Is this just what growing up is all about? If anyone had any tips on how to change this mindset of these circumstances?Is it unrealistic to think life can be exciting all of the time?Thanks for reading and I would be grateful if anyone had any tips or pointers or even just to find if anyone is in the same boat! Feeling lost at 26",Depression +47184,"Depression and memories of the past Is it normal to think only of negative things from the past or even see the past worse than it was while depressed? + +I keep going over a certain experience from the past the lasted for 2 years but it doesn't meet the criteria of PTSD, but there was mistreatment from superiors and bullying from other colleagues but it wasn't consistent, actually most of the time I was treated better except for some situations that I keep remembering till now. + +3 weeks ago I switched to a different SSRI and I started having symptoms like anxiety, panic, ruminating over that experience and feeling worthless which I think were withdrawal symptoms from the old drug (lexapro) + +I noticed that these symptoms come when there is something wrong with the medication or I am going through a stressful time. + +I got a panic attack at work and my manager noticed and when I asked for some time off to recover they stalled and then they released an exit visa from the country and told me I would work remotely from my home country but there is no guarantee that they would keep their word. + +So now I am faced with the possibility of going back to my country which is going through a tough time economically and uncertainty about finding a new job. + +I am now back to the old drug I used to take and increased the dosage to 30mg with the Dr's supervision. + +I am not sure if the medication is not working yet or that I am going through a challenging time so I am having anxiety. + +I spend most of the time alone in my hotel room thinking of the past and worrying about the future and I am just exhausted. + +Your insight would be appreciated",Depression +15188,"I just got pushed down more and they just told me my opinion does not matter. Like bitch I am also part of this family, if you do not like me just kill me, as if i ever enjoyed your company. I just for once tried opening up with people and got out of my she will but people just hate me and i just got pushed down more. when you ask your kid to open up for years and then one day finally he tries opening up, you just push him down further, congratulations. Just giving me more reasons to remain in my she will, depressed and to hate them and myself, just have to now live life like this till the point i break because they are never going to change.In this past week, i already lost my best friend. I am just useless i could not even save her how am i supposed to save myself. I just hate myself Today i finally tried talking more with my family and tried to open up and guess what",Depression +24278,"Is anyone else feeling this? I feel like the world was brought down to my level during the pandemic, and I felt pretty good/excelled. Now its the reverse. Nothing from before matters. Its hard to do even a little. I do not trust my former support group because of their actions last year. I am not sure if I am surrounded by and attract toxic people or if I am toxic. Normalcy is a facade, and anyone telling me otherwise is kidding themselves The pandemic was really great for me. Normalcy is not.",Depression +17571,I need advice I am trying to find things to do but i cannot I have all the signs of depression and I am 12 any advice i just cannot cry anymore also,Depression +7391,"I am the kind of friend who checks on or makes a conversation with my friends by messaging them and getting to know their updates. One day I decided to stop doing that just to see if someone actually initiates a conversation with me and wants to know how my life is going? its been 3 months and nobody has. I am depressed that nobody cares for me as much as I care for them. I am feeling lonely and depressed Why nobody sends in a ""hi, how are you doing?""",Depression +10769,"I am 22(M) living in a Mumbai, India . I come from a well to do family with loving and supportive parents but now everytime I con only think about how I failed them. They never forced me do anything and never pressurised me to perform great in school. I did not have a bad social life either there was no bullying in my school, I had good at social interactions with my peers and teachers, and had a great rapo with them. My father came from nothing and achieved everything himself. I feel a pressure to out do him but nobody is telling me to do so. I have screwed up my life academically, I never had to work hard to achieve anything, I was good at sports and academics but slowly as competition started to increase i gave up on things and retreated. I started consoling myself that somehow I am destined to be sucessful and I started to belive it. Everytime I sleep, I hope I do not wake up tomorrow or if I do wake up , I wake up when i was 13 yrs old so I can re do my life with the current wisdom. Everytime my family goes out on vacation I hope they do not come back (die) so I can have an excuse for the failure I will become in future. The only reason I am not killing my self is because I do not want my parents to suffer due to me as they did everything right and provided everything for me. I hope everybody forgets about my existence just so I can just leave. I am lost I do not know what is ahead",Depression +16669,"People keep saying if you want to be happy, you can be happy! Well, I want to be happy, but what should I do first? Because doing anything, going anywhere only feels it adds more weight on the sadness and depression. I feel safest to hide in my bed. I just slept 20 hours today and still feel tired",Depression +39328,for the most part my life is perfect in the grand scheme of thing i am probably in the of well off people on this planet globally speaking i have a home car no debt a family etc it is all there however i am so riddle with anxiety and depression that i feel i am just wasting my life away all i do is see red and fear the worst all day every day i just turned 0 in looking back i ve become very sad how ironic sigh realizing how i ve spent from the 0 to 0 being anxious and wasted away all this potential brain space i have no other way to describe it and a i look to the next 0 year ahead i fear i will do the same can you imagine laying on your death bed thinking i worried and anxiously walked through life i had all this pent up anxiety depression anger insert your ailment here and that is what defined my time here i could elaborate but almost every activity whether banal or extreme is met with a flood of negative thought worry emotion etc i sometimes feel like i am vibrating from so much anxiety it s fucking crushing every day is just a struggle to be normal,Depression +16578,Why is it that every time I sh I get like a panic attack or my arm goes weak and I feel dizzy even if I do not cut that deep Help,Depression +40331,hey tbh i don t know who to ask i tried unalive myself by hanging un fortunately they rescued me i don t have any medical complication but i have something i can describe a bloody eye like the part of my eye that supposed to be white are partially cover with blood i m wondering doe anyone had something like that i love my half dead look but i m curious when my eye will get back to normal,Depression +19618,"i do not see how my life can get worse. I am in the worst state that I have been in for years. my friends are breaking apart and moving away, I am working a job that does not pay me enough, my parents are mad at me every day, my relationship is in shambles, and i do not see it getting any better. i do not know what i have going for me at this point. i just want to give up and shut myself away from the world forever. i cannot be around anyone in this state. I am a burden on everyone. i think I am giving up",Depression +11169,I believe I have depression but have not been officially diagnosed. My parents do not seem to realise how I feel or really care. I am not particularly interested in anything and have no motivation. Have no friends due to my social skills and now I hate having to talk to anyone. People seem like an obstruction to me these days. I honestly have so many problems. I need advice,Depression +39898,it s been year of fighting with my brain everyday i last attempted a month ago and it wa honestly traumatizing i know it s only a waiting game till i give up again i m just sick of failed attempt and it s the only reason i m putting it off i m so over everything i didn t go to therapy this week because i couldn t face having to talk i feel so broken and unable to deal with anything and idk what to do,Depression +15379,"Does anyone else find that their memory, short or long term has gotten worse due to their depression or has happened around the same time? it is been just short term for me and it is gotten even more noticable when i cannot recall stories that some friends told me just the night before. (Something I would not have zero interest in) Odd side effect[Memory]",Depression +9499,"I have spent the last three years recovering from a major depressive episode. I am finally off medication and it feels kind of like a layer of bubblewrap has been taken off. It has also brought on some unresolved trauma. I thought these were feelings of the past that I had gotten over, but I guess not. I am scared of talking to my family about this because they would be worried just not sure where to turn Just need someone to talk to",Depression +48048,"Our control, our fear, our anxiety, our stress... Why does it always have to lead to more of them? A plain and simple hi to begin + +Most of this discussion will be off the top of my head and I'll be adding my own experiences. + +To start, there are situations in life that we genuinely have absolutely no control over. I myself suffer from MDD and struggle with it on a daily basis. I take medication, I try and get out more, I see a therapist and I'm trying to find a job that would interest me. I'm constantly worried about my future and whether I want to continue or not. One thing that happens quite frequently is that I create non existent situations in my head which cause even more stress and anxiety. Once this cycle begins, it doesn't matter what it is, whether I have control over it or not, it's a nightmare to deal with this constant stress of anything that may happen. Why does this occur? Why are we as humans so unequipped to handle these challange? One could say the society we are surrounded by and what is expected of us causes a drastic change in the way we look, feel and think. To an extent this is true, but why is it so terribly exhausting and anxiety stricken to be able to even begin coping with what is going on around us. It's an obstacle I am incapable of clearing, I worry about anything and everything that involves me and those close to me. I'm consistently tired, in pain, anxious, worried and have had this heavy weight on my chest each and every minute of everyday for over 5 years. Nothing seems to change, I keep telling myself tomorrow will be different, I'll do this and that and it will all be better. But when the time comes.... I fall short, I let myself down, I let others down and most of all I continue the same cycle over and over again. Is this a situation or cycle I've made up to comfort myself as all I know is this feeling of dread and doubt and fear and anxiety, or does it truly exist and hinder me? Am I really my own worst enemy? Why am I constantly at war with myself? It feels like a never ending battle, I fight back, but I don't fight hard enough. Am I even capable of doing so? +Just what exactly is it that I'm waiting for... An idea, a person, an event or situation in my life? These consist of things I can and can't control... I feel as though I have no control over the majority of these things, which further pushes me to feel as though I have control over nothing. Why do we have to suffer the way we do? Why are our minds and body working against us? Is it not the job of our brain to keep us alive and well? It's supposed to keep us alive for as long as possible, and we even have built in ways of surviving dangerous situations, but when it comes down to the core of it, our brains are what control us. Our thoughts, our actions and feelings.... Yet its perfectly happy with the idea of us ending it...",Depression +37700,i ve posted here many time under many different name my cat is dying a of the moment and i can t do anything about it i wish i could take him to a vet but i don t have the capacity to take him there my internship is starting next week and i won t have any money until i receive my first pay check next month it s so hard to see him suffer he s the only one that tether me to this world i wish i could die with him he took me out of depression and i can t do anything for him in return he s the only reason why i continue to fight i continue to feed and make him drink with a syringe he hate it when others do it but he trust me his life i wish i could tell him i m sorry that couldn t do anything i love you i ll have my final interview in an hour i know it s selfish for me to say i wish i get through it when he s the one dying i don t know where else to share it,Depression +7714,"I am 20 doing undergraduate, yet I cannot seem to study at all..I keep saying I will start my assignment or something in 30 minutes, but the day passes and nothing. I end up forcing myself on the day if the deadline to get shit done..I spend my day playing video games, scrolling through reddit/YouTube or sleeping..I prefer to skip a meal if I have to get out of my bed or sofa, I feel too lazy to shower due to which I am showering once or twice a week... it is gotten to the point I sometimes brush my teeth in the afternoon or just forget to cuz i was too lazy to freshen up in the morning.Past couple years I used to be frustrated with myself, how i keep forgetting stuff, how i always procrastinate, how I cannot achieve any goals, how I am a disgrace to my family and usual stuff...but honestly now i do not feel that anymore so i guess I am over it..But then why am i living such a shitty life? Am i depressed or just a waste of human skin? Am i depressed or is it an excuse to be lazy?",Depression +14497,"I was diagnosed with major depression 3 years ago. I have been going to therapy & taking antidepressants for 2.5 years. But my therapist is booking months in advance and I have stopped taking my meds. I can feel it getting bad again. But I am working 5-7 days a week and find myself pretending to be okay in front of everyone. The people I used to confide in about my mental health I no longer tell them things. I am pushing people away and I am watching it happen but I just do not have it in me to fight it. I feel like I am just existing, going to work, coming home and going to bed. I sleep most of the day on my days off because life just seems so loud and its turned down when I am asleep. I do not want to die but Id like to pause my life for a little while. The worst part is; my family does not think I am depressed because I can function. They think that I am working lots and that means I am getting better. My boyfriend got mad at me for sleeping till 2pm on my day off.I feel so alone, which is partly my own fault, but nobody seems to get it. Just because I am not staying in bed for months on end like I used to, does not mean I am not struggling. Being functionally depressed is insane. I feel like I am just existing",Depression +26566,"I had a car accident back on Halloween night 2020. I do not have much info other than the car went off road and rolled several times, went airborne, than landed on its wheels again after hitting a rocky wall. Was air lifted from scene to hospital in Indianapolis. Was kept sedated in Neuro ICU for 3 days while on life support ( left lung full of fluid, right one developed pneumonia. Many broken ribs, Sort term memory problems etc, etc. Since the wreck I have had problems with smell and taste ( even showering makes me throw up and/or gag (body wash and soap smells like rotten meat and garbage). Most things I eat and smell are the same. I have suffered with severe pain from a herniated disc at the l4/l5 vertebrae and have had foot drop the whole time. (Seeing neuro surgeon this month and recently received a foot brace that helps me walk normally somewhat) Confirmed by MRI 8 months after the accident. I received nothing for pain, and most times my own family turns the other way when I am in pain because they do not want to hear my moans (It bothers them). I went back to work 4 months after the wreck so that I could maybe be less of a burden ( my fiance had been going above and beyond in helping me, but becoming more strained as time went on and less tolerant of my inability to do ""certain things"") Even work had changed... I was fired as a proto tech a month before covid went BOOM! I am in my mid 40's but I have always been strong, independent and self reliant. I have always worked hard, and for the previous 3 years took better care of myself. I quit smoking cigarettes, quit drinking pop, and eating healthier, worked out on a very rigid and strict routine. But lately I find myself wondering why I keep fighting so hard. My life is mostly pain and misery that I have to keep to myself. I went from 180 pound to almost 300 by December (finally back down to 215 june of this year) I have grandkids that are, wow..when I think about them..I think the are my only anchor. I do not know where to turn or what to say or to whom to say it too. I wish I could go back and not have the accident but I cannot...so how do I make others realize that? I feel so stupid writing this. I am submitting this anyway but I am apologizing in advance. Not actually sure what i am looking for or need, but know I am not in a good place.",Depression +40985,let the depression stage kick in now so it can be over soon,Depression +47544,"I feel like I never stood a chance I was made fun of over my appearance ever since I was young. I was just a child and had poor self esteem and confidence even though I didn’t know about those concepts yet. I was afraid to interact with others and felt like everywhere I went, people were laughing at me. This lasted all the way until I graduated high school. + +Years of maturing and some plastic surgery later, I don’t feel as self conscious but the damage has been done. I hate myself. I feel grotesque and worthless. I want to die so that I stop feeling this way. I constantly wonder why the universe would allow me to come into this world and live like this. Am I being punished for something I did in my past life? + +I have tried therapy but the “relief” was only brief. I would take a picture or catch my reflection at a different angle and be reminded just how ugly I am. I want to accept it but it’s so hard. I find myself mourning my younger self and it makes me even more depressed to know that there was no hope for me from the start.",Depression +39790,know i m severely depressed but it s been like this for year i can t do another 0 year of this i turn on monday and i just so tired of this life already i have friend but there s no one i m close to no one to tell my day about not that there would be anything to talk about i do fuck all just barely surviving the day getting out of bed in the morning is so difficult i watch my friend able to go out everyday talk passionately about the thing they re interested in make plan for the future and i just wish i could do that i genuinely don t enjoy anything i m doing a degree i hate but it s too late now to change it and not be able to get out of bed to attend my lecture doesn t help i m on a waiting list for therapy but i m number so that could be up to a year wait i ve tried different antidepressant and they have done fuck all i just can t stop thinking about how it would be best for everyone if i got hit by a truck i am draining to be around i wouldn t be my own friend so god know what anyone else think my first thought about anything is negative someone asked me the other day what i want to do after university and i told them i want to be dead because in all truth that s what i want i don t want to be alive someone wanted me to do something and the first thing out my mouth wa yeah well i want to chuck myself in front of a train but we can t always get what we want didn t even mean to say it but it just always at the front of my mind and i don t even know if it s true because i m not at risk of doing anything i ve absolutely no intention of chucking myself infront of a train but i want to no longer exist sometimes i think i need to reach out to someone but who and why bother what are they gon na do i went to my gp about it and spoke to a mental health nurse but all that s done is given me antidepressant that don t work and put me on a year long waiting list i m meeting up with family for my st my and brother aunt and uncle and cousin that i haven t seen in a while all travelling to see me i should be looking forward to it but i m not i m dreading it because they ve all got their life together have something to live for they re gon na ask me how i m doing and either i lie though they will know i m not telling the truth or i m honest and bring the whole mood down and what point would telling them they can t do anything when i say i want to chuck myself in front of a train i m not just doing it for attention i don t plan to do anything of the sort but i think it s the only way i know of saying how i really feel because no other way describes it just saying i m not doing great doesn t really cut it i m doing fucking awfully and don t know how to stop it,Depression +12189,"I have let it all go. I am too depressed to get up and do things around the house. To even take care of myself for that matter. I am currently on so many medications that just do not work. Not to mention made me gain weight; the highest poundage I have ever been. I have never felt more disgusted about someone. There are people YOUNGER than me who already have achieved so much, including family members and friends and there is just no way to catch up. I have no job, no will, no energy. I am out of carrots to give and do not feel good enough to receive. I do not think I can live like this always grasping at straws and fumbling. I am too scared to feel any pain to die so what do I do. This damage I have done TO MYSELF is horrific and I am irreversibly broken. Time to go",Depression +18992,"We had a night out in town and I told her how much I like her and asked if she still felt anything towards me. ""That ship has sailed."" she said.I will not even be able to look at her after this. I have a class with her tomorrow and we are supposed to go to a show the day after. Fuck. Forget both of those.There goes the closest friend I have ever had. I know all my other friends through her, so I can write them off too. Two years down the drain. I will have nobody left.Why would I ever fall in love? I know I am unlovable. This'll be the first and last time I ever do. I should have left things the way they were. Let it continue eating me up inside. Anything is better than this.And I would been doing so well, too. Finally got on top of my mental health for the beginning of a new college semester after the previous one being a travesty. Shame.Here come the destructive thoughts. Here we go again. I am done for. My best friend turned me down",Depression +40916,depression is my friend,Depression +23638,"Hi, I am an incoming senior in highschool, and my mom told me recently that she is planning on getting a divorce before I turn 18. I am going to be busy with college applications, my internship, school... and with my depression, I do not know if I can handle it. I might end highschool on a bad note, and I have no idea what I want to do after highschool. Does anyone have a similar experience or advice on something like this? I just want to keep my anxiety low because right now it is getting worse. Thank you My parents are getting a divorce",Depression +9161,I hate everything about my life. I hate my job and nothing makes me happy anymore. I am ready to go. Just cannot find the courage. I think I am done.,Depression +26027,"So my ex broke up with me and it has only been like 4 days since we broke up she texted me saying she misses me a lot and i told her i want to keep my distance from her and not talk to her because we are not together, she took it offensive and got mad when i said that then told me she hooked up with someone when we broke up and she ended up saying ""Good thing I am not pregnant to""Is there a reason why girls go sleep with multiple guys after a break up? Ex sent me this....",Depression +7743,"Hii dear Redditors! I am feeling happy and good after a long time!!! I wish I stay like this, I just cannot describe this feeling...I am alone but for the first time I am enjoying my lonliness...ah I just cannot describe. I know this feeling may fade away soon but still till then let me cherish this. Hope those who are struggling with their own battle soon overcome, you are not alone :)) Feeling Happy!!",Depression +48276,"bad I'm probably not as intense than anyone here idk. But i feel... Alone? Not my parents not my friend in school nobody barely caare about me. Not even talking none. I feel this heart of mine is just as empty as a loud barrel and as freezing as morning winter in the mountains. Im tired of trying, trying to make them even glance at me, i tried all the thigs i could think of such as being more talkative, pop more jokes, they do laugh but i don't feel any noteable form of relationship. +At First i thought i could fight by myself so even if i have no mental support i could breach through life but as days come it gets worse, now everytime i think about it my neck and arm feels itchy and tingly. I don't want to die but at the same time i dont want to continue. I wish there is this option of sleeping it away forever. +Tbf why am i even writing this, what? did i think somebody gonna come and care? Ridiculous.",Depression +39947,i am on the verge of going absolutely insane i can not take being alive anymore i am a prisoner in my own life i feel dead and so alive at the same everyone in my city at my age is either weird rude or awkward modern human are weak impulsive and oblivious i hate my generation and i hate how the internet ha ruined my life and so many others around me i feel like i am living in hell and i want to die nobody is at my level nobody understands how hard i try every person alive is a weak worm that deserves to die,Depression +18892,So I have come to a realisation I have been trying to ignore for a while now. No matter how long I go without contact no one will ever reach out to me. Feeling like shit more then ever,Depression +38886,i have this constant thought hanging over my head that at all time somehow i m not using my time wisely regardless of what it is if i m taking a relaxing bath to calm my nerve i think about how i could be doing something even more fun or exciting and this task is not worth the time i m spending on it i often have morning where i find myself unable to fall back asleep even if i m awake way earlier than i need to be for work plan that day lamenting how i am or am not using that time to my best advantage it make it so hard to enjoy my day off or the time i don t spend occupied with something sometimes my day off are stressful the most at the very end when i reflect back on all the thing i didn t do but should have done even if that s total nonsense to a clearer headed me there s nothing i have to do on a day off i m sitting here right this second looking at the clock over and over thinking i wasted the last 0 minute watching youtube video when i could ve been playing video game but when i play video game instead i feel bad about not having watched a movie or new tv show instead it s so maddening ha anyone found a way to manage this constant sense of impatience,Depression +40590,regalkimi we re still clear of man united in everyone s book amp in refent time the world man united is nothing but i bin get class of 9 smaller than wolf plus a trophyless club that give pogba nightmare amp depression he had to shave his hair ratio,Depression +13980,"Thinking about throwing my life away. Ruining relationships, losing my job, then I will not have anything left and will make it easier to kill myself Thinking about throwing it all away",Depression +26548,"Looked at myself naked in the mirror and was shocked to see how skinny I have gotten. Over the past year in quarantine, I have been depressed and have not been eating much. Home-cooked meals are not delicious so I do not eat much. The thing I eat the most of is white rice. I feel too guilty to eat out. Family noticed how bony and skinny I have gotten before I did. How do I not feel nauseous when thinking about eating? How do I deal with the guilt of having food available but choosing not to eat? I liked my body before but I feel like I have ruined it. What do I do? I am now too skinny. How do I deal with the guilt and nausea?",Depression +14706,My 9 year old son is a bit of a loner (though very close with his parents and siblings) and in the last year he has started to make statements my wife and I view as depressed though I never struggled with it. Statements like he things he is ugly or he feels sad. He is seeing someone about it but figured I would ask if this is something common at such an early age? How worried should we be?Sorry if not within rules. 9 yr old son,Depression +15283,"I am F/20 and I literally do not know what I want to do with my life. People my age are already in college, happy, knowing exactly what they want and I just sit here, like a useless trash I am doing nothing.Yes I know, not everyone is happy studying what they choose, or not everyone is decided and I should not even compare myself to them. But I just cannot help it. I am reminded everyday by my abusive mother just how much of a useless piece of shit I am. No work. No hobbies. No friends. Nothing.I used to love drawing when I was young. I used to be passionate about astronomy. I used to be so happy. So motivated to everything. But everything changed.Yes I am still drawing, but I just hate it so fucking much. I do it because sometimes I need the money and I do commissions. I do it because I am just addicted to it. I just cannot stop it.I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. I just want to rip off my hands, so I could never do it again.The only thing that can help me to feel better is to finally find something to be passionate about. But it is just impossible.Everyday I look up careers, jobs, college courses that would make me feel ""yes, I really want this"". BUT NOTHING.I even made a post in careeradvice to find help, but all I got offered is programming. Fuck that. Fuck programming. Fuck drawing. Fuck everything is not there seriously a job/passion for me? No matter how hard I try to find it, there is nothing for me. And it is driving me nuts.it is holding me back so much. I just want to get over it. I just want to find that one thing that will make me genuinely happy. Is it to much to ask for?And please do not tell me I will find something eventually. The problem is that I just cannot wait. I do not want to wait. Yes I am fucking impatient. But who would not want to get rid of the thing that is holding them back?Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to let it out. And sorry for the grammar.. Not knowing knowing what I want to do is making me so depressed and suicidal",Depression +16070,"I miss home so much, I miss being an individual so much, I miss being understood by people. I really should not have made this decision but I was told this was the only option I had. I may have been 18 and capable of signing legal documents, but at the same time I feel like I was cheated out of my life and my innocence. All I want to do is choke myself, just like the suffocation and isolation I feel right now Suffocating",Depression +19785,"I am so sick of opening my phone and seeing that I did not get any notifications, I am tired of people ignoring me, I am tired of people not responding to me. It makes me feel like I am not deserving of peoples time and attention taking literally 5 seconds out of their day for me. I hate that every single fucking time I talk to my mom she starts yelling at me or finds a way to turn it into an argument. I am so tired of my siblings treating me like I am background noise, they do not listen to me, they pay attention to their phones rather than what I am saying just they straight up do not listen to me when I am talking. How am I supposed to get more social if no one likes or respects me? I can never talk about how I feel with anyone because I do not have a therapist or any friends so I just keep my emotions bottled up all day or I just try to turn my emotions off. This is very bad because some days (like today) when I am so tired of everything I explode and I am full of negative emotions. Today I made a joke to my sister and she just said That was not funny. Even though I clearly just enjoyed telling her. I did not say anything else after that but I was really mad in my head. So I told our family group chat that I am sick of them ignoring me all the time and being mean to me for no reason and that I do not want to talk to them anymore. I regret doing that so much because guess what happened? No seriously guys take a wild guess :( they ignored me!! Now they probably think I am a sensitive drama queen and I feel 100 times worse. I did not write this because I want anyone to sympathize for me or pity me lol I just needed a place to vent srry I am so tired of feeling so alone",Depression +19718,"I have not quite entered into an episode or anything yet, but I have got to get this stuff off my chest.Realized over the past 12 hours or so that nearly all my closest friends are not going to be around during my last year of high school. I know I was lucky to have them in the first place; but it is really coming down on me that most of them are going to be gone. One got in massive trouble with his parents and is having to move across the state to live with them. One is transferring to a private school on the other side of town. One is opting out to do only remote stuff. Another had to move north for their dad's employment. There were a few that I had to cut out by my own volition because of their behavior (sexual harassment, narcissism, etc.). I am looking at my life right now and realizing that almost every single person that I have gotten close to over the past couple of years is having to leave for some reason; it sucks when shit like this dawns on you out of nowhere. All the sudden realizing that things are going to be a huge struggle only weeks before school starts back up. If you are feeling worried about the upcoming school year, I guess I just wanted to say that I think most of us are pretty spooked too. Summer sadness solidarity. Friends going away",Depression +47522,"How do you find a psychiatrist I have asked this either on this reddit or another one a while back and never got a response, I am a relatively healthy person, although I don't have a set doctor or do yearly checkups or anything, so I don't exactly know how I go about finding someone to give me a evaluation cause I definitely feel as if I have some really bad social anxiety and it has really been affecting my overall happiness but sitting around diagnosing myself doesn't exactly help the problem.",Depression +41454,said he had fallen into a depression the two day curfew and all the explosion have got to me i had so many plan for this year and now they are gone,Depression +26781,"I cannot live anymore i have to kill myself i have destroyed my life. I am way too alone and i cannot pushing with these symptoms. I am far too sick. I really want to get off social media, it is making me sick. I am too alone and i do not want to be trapped in this pain. I am having a panic attack thinking that i have to go outside and meeting people when i have been this hurt and lost",Depression +26036,I cannot rely on family. I cannot rely on friends. I am all alone in this. I cannot do it anymore. The only thing that remotely helps me cope is alcohol. I have always been such a calm and loving person but recently my family and friends have made me so mad I just want to scream and beat someone to a pulp. That feeling scares me because I have always been so loving and now I have this anger and frustration that I feel is eating me from the inside out. So I try to deal with it by drinking better to hurt myself and my liver than other people Everyone is unreliable,Depression +7036,"I have a close friend who has suffered from periods of depression for years. she is been doing well for the last year, but for the past month has clearly been struggling. she is lonely and does not have anyone else in her life with whom to talk.When we do talk, she has been dropping obvious signs that she is aware that she is become depressed, but when I try to push her to go to counseling, she gets annoyed and wants to change the subject. She admits that she should go, but has no motivation to physically go. And she also has doubts that it would actually help based on past experiences.My question is, how hard should I push her to get help? Should I keep bringing it up even when she says she does not want to talk about it? Should I tell her that I will not talk to her anymore if she does not go? Or should I give in, ignore her depression, and only talk about light topics.. maybe at least providing her social stimulus and relief from her own thoughts? How much pressure to apply to a friend to get help?",Depression +37989,i just hate my parent for bringing me into this world and giving me a shitty childhood and shaping me into the worst version of myself i can t keep living like this,Depression +41076,depression and anxiety is a bitch i envy those people who don t have it,Depression +25256,I do not want to die anymore but I cannot keep living like this. I just want the pain to go away. I cannot keep going,Depression +17665,"I know it help you alot if you see a therapist but not all have the money to do that, not all is capable to see a therapist if they needed to. I always want to see a therapist because I also have anxiety. Its easier maybe if we can afford to live a normal life without struggling financially. Me and my three siblings are still studying and living with my parents house, my parents work abroad because they receive more salary than here in our country but still its not enough to live a stable life. I also told my parents about my depression and anxiety but my mother think that I am just an attention seeker so I never tell anyone about it again. I just hope that I am living where my problem can solve easily, without struggling if I want to live the life that was given to me anymore. ""Just see a therapist""",Depression +27052,"Long time ago I met an girl through an support group on social media. She had an partner and decided to stop talking to me, Months pass by and all a sudden she decided to get back in touch with me. She told me she thought about me,we decided to become strictly friends. I eventually learned she was in an unhappy and loveless relationship. We soon became close and developed feelings for each other,it became an affair. I was a single guy.My own circumstances were not perfect either, I urged her to leave her relationship and start a new life with me. She left to be with her family and eventually went back to her bf, I was heartbroken, we decided to start again. It looked like she was never going to leave him, I had enough and ended it for good. It took a toll on my mental health and I had an mental breakdown was nearly driven to suicide.I learned from someone else that she did eventually leave her bf and found someone else. They are in happy relationship and post their pics on social media. Not many people knew about me. I do not know how I feel about it. I sometimes feel like anger and total regret, something I never do again. I feel like the bad person sometimes. It has messed with my head still sometimes. Thanks for reading Sad affair",Depression +8709,"Life is all shitty thing after shitty thing. you study for a degree that you do not really care anymore bc the environment is so stressful for so little knowledge payoff that it just seems like ur wasting everyone is time, + the school fucks up ur schedule even if you try to stay at the top of ur game, even tho you feel like ur not learning anything useful, specifically to not have problems with that, and now you cannot even try to change classes even tho they are simply STILL HIRING the ppl who should have been teaching you since semester started weeks ago. And then you graduate to work in an ok career, will not get much, but at least I am going to be able to have a job, just to feel like you have not actually learned a dang thing which forces you to go BACK to that academic setting that makes you want to actually commit ever since you were in school being the butt of everyone is joke, while still trying to manage working because you have to get out of ur parents house as soon as possible to live in whatever shitty place you can get if you want to cut an inch off your hair. Even tho ur parents were living at your grandmas ur whole childhood and she did not give a shit what they did with their bodies, you do not get the same range because of, take a guess, fucking politics! That are not getting any better bc no matter what fucktards get in power you are still going to be discriminated against for the rest of your life on at least 3 dif bases and the people who fight for udont actually, they just want ur vote. you are probably going to be alone also because the person you love is also dying to go back to her home state, one of the less diverse regions in the country and wants to live moving places whereas with you that just sounds like a lot of planning and uncertainty and a lot of planning and uncertainty sounds like even more stress + mocing around w/ ur profession that is not that easy (but hey i got no ambition anyways so maybe that can be arranged). And it does not even matter bc there is no long run, the planet is literally fucjing dying! All and all, feels impossible to simply get over all of it and live normally Just feels impossible not to be depressed",Depression +25341,"I would not wish this on anyone. I went from making a great salary last year to not being able to sleep this year when my company was bought, which led to a whole host of sleeping medications....trazadone, ativan, ambien, xyprexa, coupled with propanerol to reduce heart rate. Then I had the worst 30 day headache of my life. I started SSRIs/SNRIs...celexa (had a horrible reaction to this and had to stop). My genetic test revealed I metabolize medications well but I am predisposed to side effects. I went on to cymbalta, and now I am on lexapro. My initial trigger was 2-3 hours of sleep over a 15 day period, and then I had the awesome experience of 45 days straight locked in fight or flight mode. In some ways, I am surprised I have survived this. Prior to this episode, I took like one Advil every 10 years....the desperation was and still is real. I am dizzy and weak, I have lost a great deal of my memory, which was photographic, and my mental acuity and sharpness is slow as fuck compared to who I used to be. I was witty and humorous and showed a great deal of support for other people, and now I only care about how shitty I feel and how no one can relate (you guys probably can). I barely talk to anyone including my wife, because I literally do not know what to say. I have been in intensive outpatient therapy, regular talk therapy and all these meds that are not working and make me feel like shit. I have an awesome friend group and wife, I was successful and own a home, I was talented and driven. I barely know what day it is and there is certainly no way I can work right now. I would love to get back to work and life, but I am not in control of this right now. The pain from this is much much more than just being sad. it is the loss of self, your mental and physical abilities and the anxiety that comes from when will this end? and will I ever be who I used to be? that makes this truly terrifying. To top it all off, there is no relief--it is not like you can pop a cough drop for a sore throat that buys you 15 mins of some relief, depression is every excruciating second of the day. You walk around with an imaginary 200lb ball and chain on your leg that only you can feel. You are not interested in anything, you can barely have sex if at all, and you do not even know who you are or what you have become. I feel like since March, I am only a heart and lung machine, with nothing going on up above. If only depression was just being sad. It took me 40 mins to write these incoherent paragraphs that look wildly different than how I used to write. The reminders are literally everywhere in everything you do that you are not you. Good luck to everyone here that feels this...none of you deserve this and I understand what you are going through. I understand depression now.",Depression +14776,"I just hate my current life. I have lost all interest in things that usually excite me and it is like I am just stuck in a cycle of being in a depression slump, wanting to do more, trying stuff and realising I cannot enjoy things anymore, then going back into a slump etc. I can tell I am slowly pushing people away, getting ansty with them and nowadays it is an achievement to even make my bed in the morning. Every day is so grey and monotonous no matter what I do. Is there any way I can bring some sort of spark back into my life? The issue is not really doing things because I try that, it is more just trying to feel passions again. How to start living again?",Depression +14491,"I have been feeling depressed this year and it intensified after my wedding in May. I am feeling tired, demotivated, worthless. All i want to do is just to sleep. My husband has not been providing me with the support i need, if he did something that triggers my depression and anxiety, he would just brush it off or denying things without offering me anything to make me feel better. Which reaffirms my thoughts about being worthless. I started seeing a therapist last week, but were only meeting once every week. What would I do in between?I feel so alone. How do i cope? I have no support",Depression +15909,Everytime I notice a symptom I just hope it kills me anyone else? No just me? Okay. Every time I notice a symptom,Depression +38833,hi all i m a 0 year old male with diagnosed anxiety depression and add a form of adhd minus external hyperactivity i m not entirely sure what this post is other than i d just like to share what i feel like often i think it would be interesting to hear if this is relatable to anyone else or if i can possibly provide some form of way to help others understand how they can explain what they re dealing with firstly a majority of my life is cut short due to the symptom alone of anxiety sweating profusely is by far the worst for me a it stand already i have a condition called hyper hydrosis simply meaning that i sweat far more than normal this combined with my feeling of anxiety no matter how big or small mean i m constantly sweating a i type this i m having to wipe my screen dry my under arm are dripping etc and all i m doing is sitting down anxiety come with ton of insecurity and in my experience hygiene is the biggest killer i shower everyday which is relatively normal but due to the amount i sweat i often have to rinse myself to feel clean again more often than not i ll end up needing shower within hour because of this i can t enjoy myself being around people knowing that i potentially smell due to my severe sweating this tends to mean jacket and long sleeve to prevent any possible smell being noticeable and of course in return the extra layer mean even more sweat without dragging on too much on one topic here this applies to thing like breathe skin cleanliness teeth condition etc almost everything you can be insecure about i m insecure about it add will often feel this is a best a i can personally describe it like there is some sort of ticking clock that is always close to hitting 0 even when thing are going slow or i m feeling relatively relaxed i often feel a if i m pressured by time in some sort of way this by itself is a nightmare to live with not to mention the never ending trouble that come with add but that s more subjective to me so i ll move on now having that combined with my anxiety is sometimes unbearable the most simple of task for example pulling up arriving somewhere and grabbing your bag and belonging before stepping out the vehicle it s never that simple people are waiting for me i need to hurry up my mum want to go home i got ta speed up i need to hurry up there s other driver probably being forced to stop because i m gathering my thing and so on often will end up in such a panic that i ll leave the car leaving behind a large amount of my item answering a phone call for whatever reason phone call send me into such a panic that i automatically hang up at any given moment it could even be mid sentence i always feel incredibly rude and it s the exact opposite of my intention a with my anxiety being a good person and not being judged or disliked is something so important to me phone call alone i have 000 thought going on make sure you sound interested you re gunna freeze up oh god it s going to get awkward am i speaking too much am i trying too hard with it okay just relax i can go on for a long time these are just some odd example of ton and ton of thing that i deal with and what everyone here deal with a well really i just hope this post ha given someone an idea that they re not alone with it which is a statement i find relatively comedic a nobody truly know how you actually feel and they never ever will however even in feeling alone you still aren t alone nobody is alone my heart go out to every person that deal with this can only apologise if any of this is hard to understand or isn t very clear putting thought into word is something that i think we all find probably the most difficult thing to do,Depression +9169,"22(F) I was turned off from sex after a very disappointing date/encounter where I know I did not want to have sex and did not like the person. I wanted company so I made the mistake of going back to his place for ""tea"". We did other things and I drew the line on intercourse. He did not get the message (or did not care ) and kept trying to get me to give in. I did, I was tired and feeling pretty unworthy/unlovable. I did not want to be alone, missed feeling wanted and felt generally ""if not him now, then who later"". I beat myself up over this for too long and worked through the shame of it all.My sex drive is pretty high so during this time it is kind of added to my depression but I think it is good that I took a time out. Now, I am genuinely in a headspace where I want to only worry about myself and be selfish with my desires.How bad for my mental health would it be for me to look for someone to strictly just have sex with and not do the whole "" this is who I am, who are you and do we match"" thing? I have always done it and it is basically only ever exhausted me.I know my worth yaddayadaya I am horny and sad, is this going to be detrimental overall (undo healing)? Is there a healthy way to do this for me? I have been sexless for a year",Depression +10281,But then I am depressed. Being hot takes feeling and all i feel is..... like committing self murder I want to be hot,Depression +38369,i m 9 and haven t done anything with my life i ve disappointed everyone in my life the woman i thought i wa gon na marry left me and won t even talk to me anymore i started therapy and medication again a few month ago but it only doe so much i don t really have any friend i work only a few day a week and can barely handle that i don t find pleasure out of anything anymore i don t have anyone to turn to and everyone who ever loved me ha either left me or died all i do is sit home alone and try to distract myself the best i can but i honestly see no light at the end of the tunnel i know it s pathetic but i swear i m trying the best i can but i don t know how much longer i can,Depression +16688,"I was put on Latuda about a week and a half ago after three different psychiatrists confirmed my bipolar disorder. I do not know if its just the side effects of the medication, or why I feel this way, but I feel so numb and unmotivated. I have felt this way before, but its never lasted this long and been so intense. While I plan on discussing this with my doctor at my appointment later this week, does anyone have any tips on how to feel less awful until then?Thank you, friends. I am struggling",Depression +24287,"I have got a medical condition and a birth defect, and its almost untreatable. i live on one functioning kidney, however that kidney is getting worse by the years. i have severe anxiety and depression, and i do not see a future in myself, I am only living to occupy someone is boredom or loneliness as of today. my life span is cut down by 20-30 years in average, or my kidney could overload as it is taking the load of one more kidney (keep in mind i have high blood pressure from my anxiety and my kidneys itself), or eventually i could kill myself. i struggle to make friends but slowly and surely I am trying to reunite with my old friends who i tampered with and decided to push them away because i thought it would help me, instead it left me a massive debt from loneliness. I am not sure if i will get a job, if i do its probably to pay back my parents as they spent a bit over a million at birth to practically save me, and take care of my only true friend and someone i love deeply, enough to supply them for a happy life. if not, I am not sure if i would just like to enjoy my life, knowing the end is very near. I am a person that loves attention and the idea of love in general, i would love a wife and kids one day but it horrified me when i thought of what would happen after i left. anyways, thanks for reading another rant, have a good day/night, take care I am dying away",Depression +19035,"I have felt completely hopeless since my doctor had this conversation with me. I am 23 and I have been diagnosed with depression for 11 years. Its a struggle every single minute of every day, and my depression has only continued to worsen as the years have gone on. I have tried different medications including various groups of antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, and natural remedies. I have been to many different types of therapy - CBT, DBT, animal assisted therapy, play therapy (when I was younger), art therapy, group therapy, equine therapy, counselling, and trauma focused therapy. I have had involvement from psychiatry, school nurses, community nurses, crisis team, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, and peer mentors. I have tried things like behavioural activation, sleep hygiene, massages, acupuncture, self care, distraction etc. I was even hospitalised for 3 years. I feel like I have exhausted every option and I do not know what else I could try. I have applied for various trials but I am not eligible due to physical disability. Its important to note that I was depressed before I became physically disabled, so that is not the reason I am struggling. I do not even know why I am depressed. there is definitely trauma I could pin it on but it does not bother me anymore. I do not think about my past experiences anymore. I am just stuck feeling depressed. Has anyone else tried anything that is worked better for treatment resistant depression? Thanks My doctor told me Ill always be depressed because I am autistic.",Depression +25781,"i used to think id be fine alone. you vibe by yourself and you realize you do not need many people. key word. many. you still need some. i have virtually no one let alone anyone to talk to about my problems. i sit in my room late at night turning my hands on auto pilot while playing games and get stuck in my head which replays every bad thing. man adhd sure is a bitch. the one girl who i found that was mature, beautiful, funny, just perfect. has a man. she is talking to me less and less. probably sent around 12 messages to me this week. it hurts. i know a relationship would not solve my problems but damnit it would help. Solitude",Depression +38404,hi i m new here and most of the time i m in a real good place life ha been really good since i had therapy i haven t felt like i want to end it in maybe five or six year now and that is not what i feel right now but i do feel emptiness and shallow i like to create to many thing but after i share them all of the feeling disappear i don t feel good about it anymore and when i m alone it s a if every thought in my head want to feel bad i feel like cry but no tear come and it s frustrating even i don t know who to talk to because everyone is so busy and i feel like disturbing god what do i do singing frustrates me and i m a vocalist i am taking a long walk right now but kind of lost the strength in my leg or my will to go further at the moment of writing i ll continue after typing this i guess,Depression +21929,"Hi everyone, I am kind of lost, it is kind of hard, I will try my best to explain everything, but I need you guys advices, or at least know what you think about all of this. Also, I do not know if it is the right subreddit to post in, but all of this really makes me feel depressed. I am a 24yo European dude living in a small town in France. I had a classic scholarship until 18yo. When I obtained my high school diploma, I took a 1 year break from everything, then did 2 years of college in language studies (English + init. Japanese). Those years I was living with my now ex-girlfriend. She literally did not care about me at all while I was driving further and further in depression. that is where I got my new passion, thanks to some YouTube vloggers : Japan.Life has always been boring. Where I live there is no future for anyone. there is no job opportunities, it is depression land, clearly. I am telling that to add the fact that I have always been seeking for a great life. School advisers and parents always made me understand that having dreams and stuff was stupid, that I had to be realistic, and choose a classic path. I was against that. Back to my college years and the revelation, I decided for the first time of my life to dedicate myself to this dream : making my life in Japan.It was tough socially, because people used to think I was a child loving anime and being delusional. But living in Japan and learning Japanese was things I took very seriously, I literally spent night and days studying the language, and learning about the country, the good and bad aspects, the social codes, etc... everything that I could get with the Internet.I signed up on some penpals websites, I was chatting around with some Japanese boys and girls, and then this girl e-mailed me. I do not want to say too much about it, but we ended up together, we already met a lot (well, not since COVID-19), and it is been 1 year and a half now. You know what? I think it is the one, so far. we will see. Anyway.I really studied ways to go living in this country, because it is tough.First I wanted to go to a language school, but I needed a LOT of money. I also wanted to do a working holiday visa but it also requires a huge amount of money. let us remember the fact that where I live, there is no job offers, and I am not exaggerating : the equivalent 3/4 of the population of my town is registered in the French work agency (those agencies under the government who deal with job offers and jobless people, that is just how it works in this country). So school and WH visa seems they are impossible goals to reach.A friend of mine already working in Japan had a job offer for me as a graphic designer in Tokyo. Guess what? I am doing graphic design since the age of 11. I have a professional level, I can totally work in this domain. So this friend wanted to recommend me to his manager to hire me when the borders are open.The problem is, and that is what I learned today : they were forced to hire someone else because the borders are not going to open until months. Which was obvious but I was still believing because, it was the best opportunity I ever had in my entire life, to finally quit this boring life in a small town without any future for anyone, and be who I wanted to be in Tokyo, with the dream job, living my best life with the girl I am planning to eventually marry one day.As I said, I was believing, so I was already saving money thanks to a 1 year help from the government (so 500 per month for 1 year).Today, the day this door closed in front of my nose, I am just sad. I dedicated so much time studying paths to reach my goal, every single path became a closed door. Is my destiny being stuck here to my parents house forever?I just lost every single bit of motivation, for studying the language, for keeping it up and doing things right for the future I wanted (and still want). Happiness is forbidden. All those efforts to be back stuck in the initial position, AGAIN. it is like seeing an open door, approaching it, and seeing it closing brutally to your face. I tried many ways to achieve my dreams, everytime it just failed. I do not know what to do anymore, I am just lost. there is my girlfriend waiting for me, we did not meet for so long, and there is my willing to finally start my adult life. what is the point of all of that if life keeps slapping all the doors to my face like this? And it is also about people around me : everyone were so hyped up for me to succeed, and I am just failing again.Today I wanted to read my books about Japan and study a little bit, then the news came out, my friend told me that they hired someone instead of me. I just spent my entire day looking at the ceiling, trying to not have a mental breakdown. Happiness is forbidden",Depression +37806,death seek me life besieges me i want to die why oh why fuck bring the pain i am ready for the ocean whatever happens i ll be with god please god forgive me i have failed you i am so confused please help me why is my life such a painful struggle i want peace in sobriety with you forgive me god i am sorry,Depression +13398,"I feel lost. My life seems to be going nowhere in particular; I do not have a set path for my goals, and my parents are constantly pressuring me to do better. I love them, and I want to make them happy, and I want them to be proud of me.But I am miserable. Whether it be at work, doing classes, video games, nothing really seems to help anymore. I even delved into marijuana for a while to cope with things, but they just made things worse. I have gotten off of it since; it is been giving me major anxiety. The only time that I feel genuinely not depressed is when I am out with friends, which is only a temporary relief as they have got lives of their own, and their own stuff to do. It just feels like a temporary escape. I have talked to a doctor about my lack of initiative and my inability to focus, but they chalked it up as me being lazy, or lacking a specific goal. Maybe I am.The idea of suicide seems so relieving to me, it feels like an escape from all of my problems; but I know it is not a solution. The only time I feel at ease is when I am asleep. Waking up, I just get hit with a big dose of reality. I just feel so helpless, I do not know what to do with my life. it is getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed every day.",Depression +40113,life is so much pain and it get worse every year everytime i make a step forward life fuck me stepps back i just wish i could do it now today i don t even care anymore that my mom will be sad i never asked to be born in the first place should i do it end my life end this pain,Depression +12157,"Hello,I do not have anyone to talk with so i will write it here, because i have need to ventilate my feelings out, so thanks everyone for hearing me.Since childhood, i'v been always fat. It was caused by bad working thyroid gland and excessive sugar income. And it is well know that fat people have really small penis, in my case i have also circumcision because of something that happened when i was really young. My face is also not one of the most beautiful. Because of that, my self confidence is literaly below zero.I had a crush for 13 years on primary and secondary school. I never told her that i was in love with her.First of all, it was just because of lack of self confidence. When i was older, i realized where is relationship, there must be sex. And i cannot have sex because of my problem i mentioned.I had to cut all our connections and go on in my life.Once, there was girl and it seemed that she may like me or even love. I had to send her away, cut all our connections and go on in my life. I did this everytime with every woman i'v met because i was afraid that even with my look, friendship with girl could grown in something more serious.There was a time when i came to terms with it and i peacefuly lived on. But last couple years, it is killing me, I am crying almost every night, I am not smiling anymore and this loneliness is really painfull.I would like to have a person i could share my life with, enjoy moments of life together, smile and love each other. But i know i cannot fulfill women's desires. I'v always figured out all my problems, but this.. i just do not know what to do, how to fix this. that is reason why i will be forever alone and will slowly dying inside with emptiness in my life... My destiny is to be alone forever and it is really painfull inside",Depression +17007,I am feeling really weird right now and I just need someone to bring me back to reality Can someone please help me calm down,Depression +9408,"So I started dating someone earlier this year. We hit it off almost immediately after I got out of a mentally abusive relationship (my ex continuously cheated on me and manipulated me anytime Id suspect it). I was not ready to be in a relationship at the time I met my current partner, but they changed my way of thinking by saying love does not have a timeline. Our situation started off rocky as hell, they still talked to their exes on daily bases, which is a boundary I created for myself. They had hearts next to their exs name, and flaked on me when they hung out with them. Had their clothes and belongings still in their home, and anytime Id react and try to leave they would offer to call their ex in front of me, or tell me I could go through their phone. I was not okay with doing so, and I still tried breaking up with them, but they always told me I was self-sabotaging by doing so. Being in a bunch of manipulative and abusive relationships I could not tell if what they were saying was true, or if I was just putting myself through the same cycle. Anyways, we continued dating and our depression does not make anything better. I know that even on my worst days I make effort to talk to them, but it gets tiring knowing that they still make effort to communicate and hangout with their ex while it feels like they are doing the bare minimum for me. We go from hanging out often to barely seeing each-other/talking in week intervals, although I understand the concept of space. It gets confusing knowing the state of our relationship. We work on communication more than anything, but no matter how many times they have said its okay to communicate anything that bothers me to them, it seems like it always goes up in flames and that my perspective is always false. With their depression active the past month, I just asked them for a little initiative when talking to me, its hard feeling like I am the only one who reaches out and knowing their daily routine of waking up, checking their phone, texting people and going on Twitter I feel like I am asking for the bare minimum when I tell them just a simple good morning text would make me feel a little more cared about, but instead they got upset with me saying I do not understand that their depression makes it hard to even get up in the morning . what is frustrating is that I know exactly how they feel because I experience it also. I just want to feel the same amount of effort I am putting out, but maybe I am lacking compassion in this instance? I am sorry for my rant, I am just feeling quite low in this situation. Thank you for reading. the clinically depressed dating each other",Depression +23037,"did anti-depressants help you guys? i figured that it was not really motivating a change in me, it felt more like a thought. like from some movies I have seen where the doctor prescribes them a medicine for the patients anxiety etc, but its actually made of sugar or glucose tablets, but the mentality of the patient that its going to help them eventually leads them to a better place because of a positive mindset that they are under the right medication. I have tried the therapist too, i had a few sessions but cancelled for two main reasons; it was a bit expensive and my parents were not super keen to pay the expense but still payed, and i felt horrible. and the other reason was the first 2 or 3 sessions helped a lot, no doubt, but the next few sessions were a bit repetitive, and then it was just a blur to me, i was having trouble concentrating at that point. i want to hear if it had a different effect on others. have a good night/day, take care <3 Anti-Depressants",Depression +12211,That I finally work up the nerve to do it. It feels like I will never be happy. Lately I have been considering moving the timeline up but idk. Why could not someone who wanted to be born be born instead I cannot wait for the day,Depression +18337,"Its been very hard for many years that I felt I am happy, every moment that I suppose to feel happy, my anxiety and pressures tell me that I am not allowed. I have been ruined a lot of things, wasted a lot of times and chances, I feel like I am in debt to my life. There are too many things I need to but have not been done. They are piled up high. By only thinking this, I cannot be happy, I feel guilty to be happy for only some seconds. I just want to be happy (for a little while)",Depression +15235,"My main symptom right now is strong brain fog. Not necessarily in the sense of being forgetful or mentally slow, more in a sense of a foggy feeling in my mind, almost as if I am drunk all the time. Has any of you any experience with antidepressants lifting brain fog? And can you recommend anything specific that I could ask my doctor about? I was offered to be prescribed meds but I am hesitant if this is even the right thing for me. Experiences with anti-depressants",Depression +21527,I wish I grew up having healthier relationships. I hope that at least my death will be peaceful if my life was not.,Depression +17177,"I am scared of the world. Scared of the pills that I hold in my hand, how many to take? I am starting to shake and I am scared. Alone. Frighted and facing the unknown. I have had it all and its gone, tip and the tap, and I just want to say goodbye. Scared",Depression +27046,Just an off one. And you do not even get to choose the on one. One of the worst things about life is that there is no pause button.,Depression +40670,fornowshesgone depression did,Depression +8029,I go down this list and see so many ppl hating life. I do not get why its like that. I mean I feel the same way. So many people with depression,Depression +8836,"I disagree. I was not prepared for this shit at all. I am only 25 & I feel like I have gone through hell and I am still going through hell. Every single day I sit here and feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try, my situation does not improve. Rent is so high and jobs pay so little I cannot afford to move right now. I battle with my brain from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Everyone in my family is talking about me behind my back and not doing anything to help me. I have asked for advice and help several times from them and my friends. They all ignore me and my friends abandoned me because I am not important to them. I feel like I am in this all alone. I have a very loving and caring boyfriend but I feel like I overwhelm him with my issues so I do not like to involve him at all. He always says hes here for me and I know he is. But my anxiety says different My problems are bigger than me and I cannot do shit about it. No one said it would be like this. Your 20s are the best years of your life!",Depression +47494,"I’m struggling I’ve been depressed my whole life. I remember when I was in elementary I felt like I didn’t want to be alive anymore, I couldn’t see I point. As I grew up I became better at convincing my self that I should hang on just a little more. Like maybe after this next game comes out or or after I see this movie etc… but I’m now 23 and the coping mechanism I’ve developed are starting to fail me now. And I struggle with finding anything else to keep me from going over the edge and ending it all. It has gotten to the point where I was waiting for a train the other day and I heard the train coming and for a second I felt the urge like my body tending up waiting to move as if to jump in front of the train. I ended up thinking to much and didn’t jump but the feeling was real and I was scared. I don’t know what to do anymore.",Depression +40509,a serait cool si notre soci t s int ressait beaucoup plus sur la psychologie ex le cause de malady mentales d pression trouble bipolaires ect l anatomie du corp humain ex le diff rences du d veloppement sexuelle http t co b tvixyi d,Depression +40070,i want to die so badly even just cut do something to ease this pain but my mom took all my blade all my option even my medication i have no access to anything anymore and i feel empty hollow i want to die so badly but i cant because i have no mean thats the only real reason i m alive right now is i dont have a way to unalive send help im not well im cry everything is terrible and i want out there really should be a log out option on life so you can take a break and come back if when youre ready to face this hell,Depression +25283,"""Everyone goes through shit."" And ""Not everything's about you."" Is something said to me constantly. Everyone does go through shit but I feel like I cannot be human because of depression and I try to smile and laugh but if something even triggers me a little bit (which does not happen totally often btw) I will go ape shit. People see me upset and literally JAB my problems out of me when I do not want to talk about it and proceed to call me a dumbass. I lost a baby last month and people tell me I should get over it because I was early on, the guy I was involved with will not speak to me anymore and for some reason even though I do not want to be involved with him anymore I feel the need to chase after him because the feeling of being abandoned is unbearable to me. I hate having mental problems it feels like one way glass to the world. I feel like everyone is yelling at me even when they are not",Depression +39291,first off ive dealt with it my entire life since i wa ab 9 yr old im very familiar with the feeling of anxiety and i ve experienced it in alot of form i wa in a relationship for year where i experienced the absolute worst of it but i am not in that relationship anymore i am a full time student again and im living life on my own accord now with my whole life ahead of me and i can do anything i want now im so glad to be where im at and i cant wait for what the future hold i have no worry in the world anymore anyways here i am watching better call saul relaxing in my bed super comfortable in my mushroom blanket that i love so much and i just gradually out of nowhere start to feel my chest get tight tight to the point where i want to poke a hole in my chest just to relieve the pressure obviously im not gon na do that but you get the idea im not panicking about anything while this is happening i mean when i feel my chest tighten then im like okay wtf is going on but before that nothing im a relaxed a can be ready to go to sleep to wake up to next day ahead of me and so i do some breathing exercise to try to relieve this chest tightness and i do feel really relaxed from doing them but that chest tightness is still there and again im not panicking of anything like i would from my traditional anxiety attack is this a new form of anxiety where my body is just like you know what youre trying to go to sleep so im gon na make it hard to breathe for no reason bc you are finally happy in life with no worry so ill give you something to worry ab i read ab people having panic attack out of nowhere and sometimes fainting even but that ha never happened to me my anxiety attack always stemmed from something regardless of how silly or insignificant it wa the anxiety would always come from something like it wouldn t just spontaneously erupt into an attack so is this just a new form of anxiety im dealing with right now is there anything i can do breathing and relaxing exercise only make me calm mentally and really relax me but the uncomfortableness of my chest just being tight is preventing me from going to sleep so i dont really know what to do if this is in fact just anxiety what do you all think is this just an anxiety attack or are there other issue i should get checked out any response is appreciated tl dr random chest tightness wont go away even with a calm and relaxed state of mind wondering if this is anxiety just attacking my body,Depression +7502,"I am just fed up of everything. Everything and everyone pisses me off and I have tried to be happy but that just does not work. I have made plans of suicide for sometime after i pass my driving test and get a car. Its the only thing i can think of, I have tried self harm but I am too scared of pain, thought about jumping off a building like my brother tried but I am a coward and anything else is too painful or I am scared to do it. I know I have not passed my gcses because i did not try so I probably will not be able to get into college, I am so negative to everyone around me I am scared I am losing friends. Everything about me is just a fucking waste, anyone else could have been born in my place and done better, children are dying in impoverished countries who could have had great potential but people like me were born who are selfish and useless. I do not know what to title this",Depression +17154,I am 22. My whole life I have struggled with mental illness. Everyday I struggle with severe anxiety and depression. Sometimes I also struggle with suicide. Its gotten so bad that I finally convinced my parents to be okay with me going to the doctors to try medication. My appointment is coming up and my parents keep making their disapproval evident. They are extremely against medication for mental illness but they are tolerating it because they blame my depression and anxiety for why I am such a disappointment in their eyes. However they are still not happy abt it. When I first talked to them abt it I thought they were finally on my side but it does not seem that way anymore. Its just really hard when it feels like your parents are against you. It especially sucks cuz I have actually been on kind of a mental high lately but this has really brought it all crashing down again. My Parents Are Mad At Me For Needing Medication,Depression +39688,i hate myself this probably sound cringey but i do i hate myself my friend call me fat a a joke and id like to take it a a joke but i can t i can t i can t i can t i feel like they hate me i have no evidence they do but i hate myself i m worthless i can t even describe myself without wanting to kill my self all my friend are either small and skinny or lanky i m chubby but they make me feel awful they joke about me behind my back i have a true friend well i hope he s true that tell me this even though i ask him to do it i don t want after each joke i hear i want to die i can t tell anyone that would rope them into my mess and i m probably the least suspecting person to think this because i ve been faking a smile for year since i wa 0 at 0 year old i wanted to die hate myself i don t know who to blame but me i m useless i had a failed suicide attempt at age at fucking i tried to slit my own wrist i m only here because i love my parent and my dog but a soon a they die i have nothing but my own thought which i feel like are against me,Depression +11040,"Hi all,How long did the dizziness last for anyone who has come off citalopram. Currently on my 4th day of stopping the medication altogether and I have had a few mood swings and low level headache but nothing too extreme. Just a bit concerned by the dizziness though as this makes me worried to drive etc.Anyone have any expirence of how long they last?Also I have been on this medication for approx 8 years so I am pleasantly surprised it has not been worse so far!Any advice would be great. Citalopram withdrawal.",Depression +11886,What is the easiest least painful way to off yourself Easiest way to,Depression +39283,she will stay with u for a year i m introverted and anxious so i don t want anyone in my space please give me some coping idea,Depression +48263,"Firing a Therapist ? Anyone fired a long time Therapist ? + +Not happy with discussion or results . + +So hard to find, afraid to stop. + +Thoughts ?",Depression +19758,Hey guys i just want to vent out. It is my final year of high school and there was this competition in our maths class where we had to come up with real life solutions using maths so i did an alternative method of launching payload which took me months to do but other classmate just copied a covid problem from the net and presented the teacher who was supposed to select students for the competition picked the other student even though she said i presented better and i spoke better but they have covid releated problem so they get to participate instead. This is just one case this is happening throughout my school life. I cannot even say i lost a competition i never got chance to even loose. Just months of hardwork wasted again and again and again. I am done with this plus being called the n word and being constantly being made fun of due to my skin i have no confidence in my appearance and today was the last straw which took out a little bit of self esteem i had of my mind. Guess i am just rambling on at this point but if you r reading this iust know you r the person i have talked most in the past few years so thanks for listening. Goodbye Loser,Depression +9228,I am 16 and I broke up with my first proper girlfriend about 5 months ago in which the relationship lasted for 7 months.I do not think Id ever loved someone in the way in which I loved her.I constantly feel down and I am lacking motivation to do anything.I do not know how to describe what I fully feel but I just feel empty and I have a constant sinking feeling in my chest.I have noticed that I have started to develop anxiety and all I do is overthink about what could have been.I constantly feel stressed and this is the worst I have felt consistently in my entire life for such a long period of time.I am starting to question if anythings even worth like what is the point of achieving anything if we just die in the end anyway.I get thoughts of death which I never did before and I thought of self harming because I feel its the only way to cope but I have not yet.I am not suicidal and I would not do it but Ill just think about what would happen if I got hit by a car or died somehow and all my problems and sadness would go and I would not have to feel like this no more.Thank you for any help I do not know if I need help,Depression +39135,i m a very confident guy i m very socal and can speak to anyone but for some reason i have this weird like i dunno anxiety attack thing so basically i could be having a random chat but quite often if someone say something that could be deemed wrong or bad or something that i could potentually be hiding when im not i go bright red really hot itchy and im all awkward and can bairly make word out even if they arnt even talking to me directly here is some example i wa talking to a fellow work mate about our personal preference in woman i said i prefer smaller petite girl with small boob and he said nahh i dissagree it like a child s body and boom my brain somehow ha this attack that make me seem like i like kid or another one could be playing never have i ever and someone say never have i ever sucked a cock and boom it ll happen itll make it look like im hiding the fact that i ve sucked a cock which i havent could be anything along those line and i hate it and i always try my hardest to avoid any convos which could lead to anything like that i m a prison officer so sometimes they bring up corrupt officer in convos and it hit me so hard and they look at me funny like im hiding the fact that i m corrupt which i m not i hate it what is this and how can i fix it,Depression +21797,"He hides it from his friends whom he plays games etc with, should I tell one of his friends so that they may help? I have tried everything and I will keep trying but I wanted to ask if that is okay in this scenario? My bf is depressed as he is jobless.",Depression +18944,things you never experience in your.. because you never had a complete family seeing other parents buy shirts and stuffs for their kids ...you will ask when will i get to exprience them being treated at mcdonalds having a nw shoes or had a chance to play console games growing up as an orphan...you always tell i hope someday ill experience those wonderful stuffs this feeling,Depression +24419,"I will be honest. I am out of hope. I am out of energy. I am out of strength. I am out of love, especially for myself. I do not date because I screw up every relationship. I have no friends because I drive them all away, as I did with my best friend today. I have a disease that is going to kill me one day and I am getting tired of waiting because it is fucking with my brain. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the cold. I am tired of the darkness. I am tired of the nightmares. I am tired of the sad music. I am tired of being FUCKING TIRED!!! I have nothing left and I am sitting here wanting to just eat a fucking bullet. I have been sitting here for 2 hours and cannot think of a single reason not to. Nobody will miss me. You have to have people that care about you to have them miss you. Out of hope",Depression +27003,"Hey guys, I hope you forgive my poor englishI (22M) was suffering from OCD and depression for 6 years, i could not treat it properly because my family think i do not have a ""real"" problem that worth spending money for, my depression kept getting worse to the lvl that the death i was afraid of and having ocd from it is now a wish, my suicidal thoughts are just thoughts anymore and i almost commited suicide. I ve been alone for my whole life, i only had 2 relationships in my life, the first cheated on me and the second wich is my current gf start losing interest on me and disrespect me because i seem needy to her because i only have her, i have 0 friends and 0 social circle, she literally the only one i chat and hang out with because i feel loved sometimes even if show the opposite other times. Her behaviour with me is a breakup dealer but i cannot break up with her cuz i will not find anyone besides me.I live in Morocco where there is no free mental health providers, but i need professional help and i do not know how to approach my family because i can only expect them to not take my problem seriously and will not trust that ibam really suffering, they never trusted or believed in me my whole life tho.I need some advices on how can i tell them, should i else someone elae to tell them? Can you guys give me some advices I need professional help but i do not know how can i convince my conservative family who dosen't take me seriously",Depression +23079,"I find myself between a hard place and a rock, I am a 30M and my wife is 26F. We have a blended family and that on its own is sometimes a challenge with all the different schedules. I am reaching out because I am finding it hard to manage my time with all 4 kids, supporting my wife, work and home responsibilities and upkeep. I work from home so that has definitely made things a bit easier, during work hours I use my work breaks and lunch times to tend to the kids or check in on my wife. My wife also works from home but with her depression being as bad as it is she struggles a lot to help me with the kids or the upkeep of the house. I know that I am strong enough to push through this tough time in life but I just want to see what others may have done in my position. Sometimes it feels like I am raising 4 kids on my own. Its been over a year now and I find myself questioning if I am doing enough for the kids since I can feel there is a disconnect. How do I tell my wife I need quality time and space with the kids without sending her down a hole of emotions, anxiety & overthinking? How do I tell our kids that their mom is depressed so they understand? How do I manage my time with these struggles? How do I care for my depressed wife but still make time for our kids?",Depression +14313,"I remember that I used to be excited about things intrinsically. I was excited about the topics I learnt in school because they were cool and because I loved discussing them with people. At that time I could not answer the question if you knew you could not fail what would you do?. And I still cannot. But at that time I would spring from topic to topic because they were interesting. Now that I have started working full time (fully remote) I cannot find the price of me that causes me to full engage with a thing. I cannot find the so-called flow state. Partly I think because I have become disillusioned by the ends achieved by my work, and partly because I do not know people I can share my work with in the same way I did in school and also because work ties me to a single project. Because I cannot access the flow state I do not know that any part of my work (or any other side project) is truly exciting to me.When I look to the future and think about what job I want I know that I want a job where the ends are satisfying the work is interesting and I can access the flow state. But when I make that concrete and ask should I pursue job X? Or what do I need to do to achieve Y? And I look at what I need to do to get there the motivation fades and the doubt creeps in. Am I really good enough to achieve that? Is that what I really want? If I put all the work in to get there will I feel as empty as I do now? I feel like those questions do not arise in a person without depression. I find myself questioning motives when the road ahead is slightly difficult.",Depression +40343,i m writing this in hope i get a sign but it s been year already and no sign of life getting better my mom hate me she already told me that my family doesn t give a shit about me and my friend they also don t i ve been trying to get a job i wa just fired from a job where i wa happy learning and getting good pay they just sent me an email saying they no longer need me no feedback except for you are great but not what we need i have tremendous stress a i have to help pay rent i don t want to be a burden anymore i really tried but i m not getting anywhere,Depression +39258,i m a year old guy and i ve been struggling with this problem for quite some time year every time my girlfriend who i trust more than anyone in this world go to a party without me and she get high or drunk i have strong anxiety attack just thinking about it is making me shaking in fear and i can t understand why i like to get drunk and high too i find it funny to spend a night messing around i don t think it s that bad or that make you a bad person but when my emotion my inner fear kick in i completely lose my mind and i start to think that i don t want a partner that indulge in those kind of behavior a if i had this image of purity of her that get broken by the thought of her enjoying a joint something bad people do i don t understand it s like some cognitive dissonance for some background i used to be quite bullied back in high school by those who went out the night to get drunk or that smoke weed maybe that could have led me to associate those behavior that have nothing to do with the moral integrity of a person with a certain type of people could it be please let me know what you think and if you have similar experience i ll gladly read all your suggestion and comment thank you,Depression +19721,"I have been struggling with depression for more than half of my life. For more than half of that time, I have not had any truly supporting friends who will be there when things are rough. I spent the past many years struggling to figure out if this is me or if its the people around me, and I cannot figure it out. So I am wondering, do you have friends who support you through the good and the bad? What does this support look like? Will they listen to your feelings and struggles? Do you have friends who will check in once in a while to see how you are doing?Are these things too much to hope for in a friend? Is depression really just an isolated journey, where I can expect to have no close friends/relationships until I find a way out of depression? Do you have supporting friends?",Depression +14758,"This has happened more than once three time in the last year every time i meet a girl I really like they always leave me. No matter how I talk to them. I feel like its the only thing that will make me happy is having a girlfriend that I can eventually love hang out with. I have a lonely life, where I live I have no family here. Its depressing and I feel down and my self esteem is shot. I feel really silly posting this but idk where else to vent",Depression +7735,Ugh this probably not the right place for this. But I have a friend who keeps asking me for money every single time. Yesterday this person texts me asking if they can stay at my house for a few days. My place is way too small so I told them no. Today I get asked to send 50$ dollars to them I told them my account is negative but I unfortunately am way to nice I told them I can give them 30 I went into my savings I barely have any savings at this point. Last week same issue asking me for money twice this is annoying. I understand that my friend is going through hard times but its too much like then I end up feeling bad if I tell them no. I want to end all ties with this person but I do not know I just feel horrible right now. What should I do Friend keeps asking for money,Depression +47279,"Having trouble eating, sleeping, relaxing. I'm just so lonely and in my head all the time. I'm trying so hard to make friends, but idk how. It all makes me angry at society as a whole for leaving me all alone. I've wanted friends my whole life. I haven't had any in 20 years. And all I can wonder is why the fuck nobody wants to be near me, or to talk to me, or to even ask me questions. I feel like everyone is actively avoiding me at this point. And I hate them for it. I hate living because of everyone.",Depression +38066,i try to play video game but just quit immediately and the same thing happens with my guitar i just can t do either one,Depression +41172,quakeroatsfemb nice sometimes i also do that it s a great way to remove the layer of depression,Depression +38262,i m and i ve wished i wa dead for the last two year of my life i pushed away all of my friend who could understand what i m going through i m failing all my class because all of my motivation and hope is drained i don t feel like i can tell anyone what i m really going through i had all the making of a perfect childhood i wa smart i had friend and i had a good family with enough money to live in a nice suburban neighborhood i threw all of it away because suddenly i didn t feel wanted any longer i don t know what to do anymore the thing ive used to cope are slowly being taken away in the hope my grade will rise i ve become emotionally numb to everything around me i don t think i ll ever find love because of how quiet and secluded i ve become i ve stopped trying to make thing better in my life i just needed to get some of this out so thanks,Depression +37739,too long to explain but im having an episode rn and it feel horrible day in so far it doesnt ever feel like itll go away i guess i just need some reassurance that this fewling wont stay till i die i just need to know that this feeling will go away soon and i can go back to being happy like i wa before,Depression +7790,First time posting here. There is so much on my mind. I just cannot find it in me to think I am worthy of anything. I work myself to the bone and get very little appreciation. Its really been taking a toll on me. I used to love what I do and now I feel like I am just taking advantage of. I have never been a fan of my appearance. Physical I have been overweight my whole life and recently been trying to change that but with the work I am putting in I feel like it does not make a difference. I just want to feel happy about myself but I just cannot seem to find anything to be happy about. Only thing that makes me smile anymore is my 3 kids. They are about the only people that make me fee appreciate in some way. That being said they usually want mom over me but I understand that. I am just been feeling worthless and I cannot seem to get myself out of the ditch of sadness. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any help given. How to find self worth?,Depression +22465,"I thought I was getting better but I have just been distracted. Frankly I do not know what I am doing or what is going on. I am not really close to anyone and I am tired of venting to guys that want to fuck me. I want a way out. I feel stuck. Its mostly just existential dread, intrusive thoughts, stress over the future, and other shit. It will not go away. Current state of mind",Depression +24094,"I have previously been diagnosed with ADHD and dysthymia by a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac for 2 years from 2017 to 2019, and was prescribed Concerta and Brintellix this year. I had a relapse of MDD in dec 2020- from then till now I have lost 8kg (17lb), I lost all interest in my work and engaging with people. This improved for 2 weeks when I started Brintellix in June, where I had a lot of energy and motivation, I woke up earlier etc, but now it is starting to go back to being dark and negative and just being down in general. I am also going for therapy with a psychologist. I am just wondering if I have bipolar type II or something, or if this is normal? it is really affecting my work and relationships and I feel so guilty for being so negative and disengaged and hopeless yet again. Felt energetic on Britellix for awhile but depression fog has come back",Depression +39987,i have money for or more month rent then i ll be on the street i m in crippling debt i ve been drinking nonstop for the last day when i hit the street i m going to start using fentanyl again where i ll inevitably od and die at some point is there any hope for people like me people that hurt everyone around them destroy everything they touch i ve dug my own grave i m sure people want me dead anyway eh fuck this noise,Depression +7402,"I know you are not supposed to drink depressed & alone, but it always makes me feel better. Everyone who tells me not to says it is because it will make you feel worse, but it always numbs me and makes me feel better. I have not drank alone in a while, but I did tonight (quite a bit) and I am a bit concerned I will go on a binge again.I do not drink during work, but I had a week where I constantly drank after work and it started with one night like this. Not sure what to do... any replacements for alcohol? Drinking to cope",Depression +12257,Even making a phone call is difficult because I imagine how tedious the conversation will be. Everything is tedious and exhausting. I think about how difficult everything is and nothing gets done,Depression +14390,"This song makes me sad but the feeling is a little soothing. I sleep to it and just takes the pain away. If it helps you, give it a try. Breaking Benjamin - Without You",Depression +9150,"CAN you? did not sink so. You can ban me once, cannot ban me twice doe",Depression +20148,"I do not know if this is correct sub reddit but here I goRecently, I met a close friend of mine and was narrating the story of my breakup with slight annoyance and dark humor and proud that I was strong and nothing affected me yada yada. He pointed that I did not feel anything for the relationship that is why I could not cry and it infuriated me but I let it pass anyway. It has been almost 5 years I have cried and it has started to bother me. It has been a long time(the breakup) but there are moments where I just smile malevolently at myself and think about the scenarios where someone is whipping me or stabbing me with glass, leaving marks and bruises but I do not cry or any sort of extreme scenarios. I googled 'why cannot I cry even if I want to?' and it said there might be a chance I might be suffering from melancholic depression. Is this melancholic depression?",Depression +39012,i won t be able to start college until september so i ll be at home doing nothing till then so a job would be great right but i can t get past the interview i have a panic attack every time i try i just fed so unless i sit at home doing nothing every single day ugh any advice would be great,Depression +22838,"Heard this in the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It hit hard. Sending you all love + strength Depression is alienation from our needs.",Depression +38358,i wa having fun earlier playing video game nothing on my mind but a soon a i stop i snap back to reality and think about her and what we used to be it s been like week of our breakup and day of no contact she say that there might not be another chance for u even in friendship i love her and idk what to do with the pain and guilt i have depression and anxiety on top of that and my therapist said that im feeling this way due to trauma of rejection i didnt have a good past a i wa taken away from my abusive parent at year old being with her made me feel normal like i didnt have these feeling but now that shes out of my life theyve come back but worse i dont know how to keep living the only thing keeping me alive are my current foster family and friend i feel so sad all the time,Depression +12497,"I think the only thing that would have ever made me happy is connections. Having friends, or a loving family, strong relationships. I do not know why I am so unlovable. Like my very existence is some sort of offense. I would do anything and change everything about me if anyone would just let me in. It hurts so much. I know now that I will never have that. I tried to kill myself last week. I called everyone I knew. Only a couple people even replied. Even then, they did not really want to help. The only reason why I did not, is because I am stupid and naive, and keep telling myself someone will love me, even though all the evidence is to the contrary. Today I made a big step though. I accepted it. I accepted that I will never be anything to anyone. I will never be loved. And when I am gone, I will not be remembered. Yes, It will always hurt, and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life. But I will carry it still. it is freeing because I know who I am now. I am no one. I wish I could have been happy. I wish I could have been loved. I will settle for free. I am free because I am no one. And that little freedom is worth living for, at least for now. But its not permanent. I need to keep searching. I need to find a solid reason to live because this one is fragile and temporary. No one",Depression +7141,"I have horrible sleep problems so the times that I am up there is no one to talk to, all I can do is watch videos all night. Its always at night that I feel miserable, hopeless, and alone. Nights are the worst",Depression +18512,"Today morning was my school best friend's sister's marriage but I did not go. I have not talked to her in the past 1 years and because of covid and some other issue, I feel very sad and depressed lately. I do not want people to see me in this state but I feel guilty about not going. My friend did not invite me personally she said it in group and invited all. For the past 1 years, I am really in a bad phase in my life. I feel guilty now. What should I do? I told her I could not make it because of my training but the thing is I do not want people to see me and judge me. Feeling guilty",Depression +47214,"My friend needs help Hey, I need help with my friend over here. He's finally got a psychiatrist that he needs, and is currently scared of getting anti depressants. I've googled the pros and cons of them, what are your expirences and how can I help him tell his psychiatrist no?",Depression +47627,"how do i tell my friends and family i need help i (19f) feel like something is wrong with me i see myself zoning out when people talk to me, in groups, when i’m alone. i get up everyday follow my routine go to college talk to friends talk to family but honestly i’m just resisting the urge of not getting out of bed sometimes i have an urge to hurt myself so i go out for a run and leave that thoughts behind like everyday everyone just keeps asking me “why do i look so tired” “why am i so quite” “i look low” i am trying to make things with my ex better he’s the only person i’ve ever loved i really love him but we hang out and h keeps asking me “why am i so low” i just don’t know what to tell him. i wanna work stuff out with my ex i really do because i love him but i’m just not myself he the only person that makes me happy but i don’t wanna depend on him it’s like on the outside i look the same all smiling happy but the darkness hits me from inside. i hate what i’m doing to myself. i have my friends my boyfriend but i feel alone like i’m in a pit hole i created for myself and i wanna go inside it and hide. right now for me existing is taking so much energy it’s so exhausting i just wanna hide in my room and not get out. i really need help.",Depression +40573,when you feel depressed what s thing you do to make yourself feel better depression depressiontreatment positiveimpact positivevibesonly positivepsychology behappy behappyandsmile http t co yfiojfbwz,Depression +20293,I moved into my parents house from uni a few days ago. I do not have money otherwise I would have stayed at uni. Its only been 5 days and I do not think I can go on anymore. I knew it would be hard but its worse than I expected. I cannot stop crying at night and I burst into tears randomly during the day. I start my summer job tomorrow and I am also nervous about that because I cannot sleep. I have to stay here till the beginning of September. I feel suicidal and I am scared I might actually kill myself. Its not that I want to die. I just want this situation to go away so bad and death seems like the only other option rn. I told my mum yesterday I do not want to be here in tears and she started calling me ungrateful. she is very religious so she thinks any suicidal thoughts are from the devil. So I left the house and walked around just crying until my mum called and told me to come back. My sister does not like me and she keeps asking why I was born. I think I need antidepressants. My GP gave me CBT videos to look at but they have not helped at all. I know this post is all over the place I really do not know what to do. I just need some reassurance everything will be ok. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I cannot stop crying,Depression +11153,"I ll fight as much as I can, a fight lost in the first place, but I know I will lose anyhoo its been a pleasure to be with nice people in this earth.love was real and it felt like a cold breezein the desertthen I found it was a miragenot the realitynow I will find realityin my dreamsrain wil reign....Peace out I am certainly at the end of the road but I promised someone I love, a special one...",Depression +40499,literally and the depression that come before,Depression +14084,"Alright so first off thanks for taking a moment to read this terrible mess of punctuation and spelling. So I have had social anxiety and depression since I was 12 years old (19 now). It has made my learning experience and time growing up tougher than I hoped for (not too sound complacive) Anyhow I skimmed by high-school and had no plans for secondary school or college because I have never found interest in getting out of bed in the morning let alone pursuing a career/passion. I graduated in June of 2020, was immediately kicked out of my dad and step moms house and couch hopped until I found a full time job and a shithole apartment to rent. Its been around a year of living here and all I do is wake up force myself out of bed, take the bus to work and keep my head down and listen to podcasts.The reason I am writing all this bullshit is because my depression and social anxiety has been amped up since I moved here. Every day I convince myself for about an hour or two that everything will be okay and that this is just the working mans life.So the reason I say I am stuck in this position is because I cannot seem to make friends or good conversation even when I try my hardest. No matter how much cocaine and booze I do nothing changes the fact that I am a fucking cringefest to talk to. I do not really know what I am asking you guys to say to me I just want to hear you all stories and opinions. I hope all of you are well and I wish you the best Stuck",Depression +37917,month on turned 0 month ago had mental breakdown anxiety attack followed by spiral of depression ended up resigning from job month ago a a result currently in therapy and on med sleep is slowly improving though i wake up early some morning overthinking and anxious i have day i feel good then i feel depressed and then i feel anxious still get strong feeling of dread negative thought and strong feeling of being unaccomplished im not sure if this is normal but i got told med will take some time to kick in still exercising started a new job day ago doing something different my goal for the next few year is to sort out and get this all under control and stabilise my career life also trying to remember and take note of all the positive thing in my life and achievement i have accomplished also looking into a potential career change,Depression +37891,why do i feel worthless,Depression +18436,It been a while since i wrote the last month has been pretty decent i thought i was doing better that life was looking up for me but today was just a really really shitty day I am sitting right now have a mental break down sobbing and shaking it just reminded me of how pathetic and hopeless i really am it reminded me that I am useless and a wasted space and that all i really am i was so fking stupid to believe that thing finally getting better now it coming back to bite me. Now I am overwhelm with this sense of hopelessness my suicidal thought are coming back i do not want to live anymore life never get better I am never going to get better no matter how hard i try i hope future me remember that if I am still alive that is stop being a fking idiot and believing bullshiit. I should die i do not need to be alive,Depression +38782,i remember back in high school senior year my anxiety wa at it absolute worst it wa difficult for me to make friend so i came home and lost myself in video game to try and forget about how difficult it wa for me to talk to people i had to attend school the next day so i needed some way to cope w the anxiety i d play video game all day and do my work last second i graduated then i took extra time off before heading to college even though i didnt attend h anymore i still had anxiety of having to talk to people when eventually going to college i had issue of self worth i continued to play my video game day in and day out it wa excessive and my family occasionally had outburst theyd say thing like what are you a baby you still like video game grow up keep playing those video game you re never going to amount to anything you re so lazy what s your problem i ve grown out of that phase and my anxiety is more manageable nowadays but looking back i d like to make a point if you know some that is incredibly lazy it may not be by choice their head can feel like a complete mess and they may feel like the only way to cope is by zoning out a much a possible just being alone in a room w my thought made my heart race like crazy and excessive sweating ensued some people just wouldnt understand until it happens to them perhaps some of you do though,Depression +47824,"Too much expectation Im soooo exhausted of dealing with other people’s expectations of me 🥱 like no suuuusan i wont write a 10 page essay on Tesco, i dont even know how to structure it and even whennnn i have a clue my brain forgets a certain word so i spend 20 minutes trying to figure out which word it was or i disassociate 🥰 wish I didnt exist! Yippie! I love it honestly! Oh and how if my parents get divorced its my (?) fault because I watched a movie with my dad! 🤩 or i cant even ask for food that *isnt* instant noodles or toast. (Likeeee I definitely haven’t been surviving off that the last year and a half) oh? Whats it? Your self esteem is so low that you feel hideous and want to hide at home? noooo wayyy! Could *not* be me rn. Or have a lack of motivation/will.",Depression +24482,I do not know when that day will come. Probably the day I am in love with someone who loves me. Probably the day I get a good job. Probably the day when I do not feel so lonely anymore. I just hope I live to see that day.. I hope that one day I will wake up in the morning and say to myself that I do not want to be depressed anymore,Depression +38874,how do i quit a job i keep having panic attack and it s interfering with my job i just started two week ago and this is happening someone plz help i missed my alarm this morning and it s a bad look i don t know what to tect my bos i m quitting bc i feel nervous everyday about the job it s sad bc i actually liked it it s my body that s the issue,Depression +12810,"I cannot take it anymore. My whole life is collapsing in front of me and I do not know what to do. So many problems and 0 solutions. I spend most of my days crying now about how fucked I am. 1. My dad left me when I was 2 so I should not even be here if my own dad did not even fucking want me.2. My mom does not give me any fucking privacy what is so ever. I cannot even close or lock my own door. I cannot have any privacy anymore3. I am now a Junior in hs and for the past 2 years I been getting A's and B's and now my own family makes fun of me for having no future. I am not even going to go to a good college and my future is fucked.4. I have no fucking idea what I want to do in my life. ZERO (0). I am going to be a fucking failure because I cannot get into a good college and I have no idea what to fucking do with my life. I have one thing I would like to try but I will get disowned by my whole family if I tried. 5. I am lonely. I have almost zero friends (real ones at least). No one cares about me and I barely go outside anymore and just cry in my room alone. I want someone I can care for and someone I can just love. But at last, to point number 6.6. I hate my body in every way. I am a fat fucking useless piece of shit. I have too much hair. I have too much body hair. I have to much facial hair. I have fucking glasses. I am ugly asf. I have so many moles. I have bad teeth. I hate my body and everything about myself. I hate it. I literally just cannot take it anymore but venting might help idk. I cannot take it anymore.",Depression +40817,this is not the time for my depression to act up but here it is again,Depression +40137,i ve been keeping myself from here yet at the same time i keep coming back to read about other s experience maybe a a way to prove to myself that i don t have it a bad still though i feel so depressed and withdrawn from everything this suck everything suck i wish it wasn t like this plus i still can t put my finger on what exactly made me start thinking in such a nihilistic way i m constantly thinking if i went back in time or maybe if i did this just thinking of what could ve been knowing it s just going to drown me in hole of self absorbence i don t know if this ha bad grammar so if it doe then sorry,Depression +40264,i spent a lot of today thinking about killing myself i made joke about it my friend laughed because i do it all the time but today i really did think about it i miss my ex i want to be happy again but i haven t been able to move past them and i m afraid that i never will if i can t be happy why should i even stay here,Depression +40459,i can t do it anymore i don t want to talk to anyone because i keep backtracking myself into thinking i m over exaggerating i have no social skill constantly feel like everyone around me would be better off without me better yet everyone but my parent wouldn t notice they ll hurt the most and that s what i hate so much i wish i could just not wake up tomorrow and not feel like this again i m tired of everything school is shit i want to make them proud but i just cant,Depression +38395,i feel like i m really close to ending my own life i cant imagine myself living another year i ve had happy day but i haven t been able to appreciate anything good that ha happened to me i m so hyper focused on every bad thing that it just make me want to end it all the only thing that s really stopping me is lack of a proper method and making it seem like a big deal i don t want anyone to care i don t want it to effect my family or for them to even notice i m trying to distance myself from everyone close to me so i can make it easier on them when i ve finally had enough the sad part is that i ve been so lucky to have a decent upbringing but everything i feel right now is just my fault i don t have any valid reason to feel this way so many people have had it worse i cant even be mad at anyone else i did it to myself and i continue to do this i ob over my appearance too much and it just hurt looking at myself i cant stand to hear myself speak or let other people see me i m so disappointed in myself for letting this happen to me i don t think i ll be able to get out this mindset and a soon a the time is right i ll probably take the east way out man this suck,Depression +19817,"So my wife and I just had our second child. People said having two kids is not 2x the work, it is more like 10x. And they are right. The oldest one is screaming and running around, doing everything he possibly can to harm himself, while the new one wants a boob every second of the day and waits until the oldest starts acting up before shitting all over himself and crying. I work from home full time. it is not easy.So in the midst of this utter chaos my wife says to me in a desperate tone, ""is not this the most difficult thing you have ever done?"" Immediately, without thinking, I said, ""No. Depression is the most difficult thing in my life."" And that got me thinking. Yeah, this is a difficult time. Kids, work, bills, house, family, health, my wife and I's relationship, and so on and so on... it is all tough. it is stressful and can sometimes be overwhelming.But, compared to when I was deep in depression? it is nothing. Compared to when I would have to say in my head ""left, right, left, right"" so I would keep walking, because everything inside me was pulling me down to the ground, it is fucking easy. Compared to the times when picking my clothes off the floor was literally impossible, or when I had planned out the place and method for taking my life and could focus on nothing except that, or when I would break down crying because for the 100th day in a row I was eating every single meal alone. Nothing in my somewhat normal life at this moment comes anywhere near the difficulty of dealing with depression.I will always be depressed. there is not a single day that I do not have the feeling of not wanting to live. I should probably look into medication, but for now I have it mostly under control. My wife has never dealt with what I have dealt with, so for her this new phase of our lives is the hardest thing she is ever dealt with. The realization I had after my wife asked me that question is that since getting my depression somewhat under control, NOTHING is too difficult. Nothing comes close to the pain and suffering depression has caused me. I sincerely hope all of you can escape its deadly grasp and realize how strong you are because of it. I was asked a question that opened my eyes to how far I have come.",Depression +7358,"So tonight I was faced with a decision, I could either cut something out of my life that I know would make me happier, or I could continue on with it and remain how I am. That lead me to realize just how scared I am of being happy again. I was first majorly depressed last December, but I got out of it and became as I would say happy again. obviously I was not suddenly perfect but I was recovering and doing so very well. Then around the end of may I got super depressed again and even worse than before, I even started self harming for a few weeks. I have somewhat normalized again but I am not recovering. I am scared of recovering. I am scared that if I try to recover it will all happen again and this time I might permanently scar myself or worse. Any advice on this topic? Scared of Being Happy",Depression +47436,"I guess I’m an acceptance…. Seems to be a theme hear about taking hints. A lot of these posts come in waves. +Basically don’t choose someone who didn’t choose you. If they’re fine without you in their life, then never take them back when they come back. People who are OK with you not being in their lives are not worth your mental well-being. + +In the past when I had read these, I never really understood them. I do now. +As hard as it is for me to accept, because to accept it means it’s real. They never cared. They left. They’re gone. Forever. They never coming back. They never wanted to. + +I’m their now. It’s been a long road. A painful journey. One that I’ll never repeat again in my life….ever!!! it isn’t over yet. And by that I mean the outcome of me. I know I will not be that same I was before I met my ex person. + + I don’t know if I’ll have that positive and exciting outlook on life anymore. I don’t even know if I’ll have the motivating desire to want a better in life that I had when met my ex. Large part of me went silent. You could even see a large part of my died. The part of me that started to actually want to live and enjoy life.. +I didn’t have that part of me growing up even into my early adulthood. + + + + I listened, eagerly to her stories. I told her mine. I did whatever I could to make her dailies a little easier. To give her a reason to smile. If it was sending her dinners, a random bouquet of flowers with some chocolate and a teddy, or just telling her a joke..(mostly bad ones🫣) +I tried my best to show my person I loved her. + +To me she was the world, my tomorrow’s, my happy, my love, my life, MY ONE… + +But to her, I was no one special. In her own words, “there was nothing special about me”. + +She took the best parts. She got better. She had options. She chose. She didn’t choose me. I was the one she chose one she had no one else to choose from. That was what I was to her. That was my value to her. + +I have finally excepted this. I can’t lie to myself anymore. She chooses not to be in my life, and she chooses to ghost. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. But I know I don’t want to see it. The pain within me only increases. They say with time things get better. For me it seems to be the opposite. I’ve always been different. Maybe that is my curse. I’m not like the crowd. Doesn’t seem to be a good thing for me, more like a curse. +I should’ve remain secluded. I should’ve remained to myself. I should’ve known that no one would understand. I should’ve known no one would care….",Depression +39696,life just fucking suck i hate everything but above anything else the most i hate is religion i cant help it but say that i do not understand religion and their concept guess what i had to be born in a religious family fuck yeah because of that i am constantly threatened by religious friend and family looking at me like i am a disgusting being constant physical abuse by my mother just because i disagree with their belief i never wa disrepectful to them i just hoped that i could be free and decied wetehr or not follow the religion but no my mother is more worried of what other family member think of her so she try to force me to not reject religion or else my family will think that she is a bad mother and look down on her my family is a fucking joke this is not my only reason that made me start having suicidal thought i am a teenager male so i unfortunately still depend of my mother but that doe not matter because i decided that after finishing uni i will kill msyelf i am weak i cant even handle a full time job i have no realistic goal i have no ambition and even le motivation to do anything it seems i am not suitable fort this world so the only thing i am able to do is fuck this shit i give up i am not strong enough and i know it is pathetic and cowardly yes you are right i am a fucking coward piece of scum so please kill me already,Depression +13545,Bruh I literally just got paid yesterday and rent sucked 3/4 of it away instantly then groceries cost me like another 2/4 of what I had left And my phone bill took 1/3 of what I had left after that and now I am trench deep with like 80$ left for 2 weeks I am definitely about to have a depressing 2 weeks Broke in a day,Depression +27096,"I think I am currently experiencing it. I told my partner that Id thought about killing myself the other day. I have said I do not want to die but I feel depressed. He did not even hug me, hes called 111, is currently ignoring me, hes told me I need help and he cannot be around me. Hes made it about himself. I am sitting in bed, hes on the phone to his therapist. He wants me to leave and go home to my family home. I spoke to the day on 111 and we agreed I would call my GP in the morning. Somehow hes made this about him, I feel well and truly alone. What is the worst reaction someone has had when you have told them you have thought about suicide or have had suicidal thoughts.",Depression +26930,"Hello all,A little back story, I never been formerly diagnosed with depression. But the feeling has been going on for over 10 years. I would have months where I would like to stay home do nothing and just be in my room. Then I would have the burst of motivation to go do something then I would get the down time again. I always thought of ways of how I feel nothing. People would always ask about how I felt and I just feel nothing. I have my days where sometimes I lay in bed and just cry over what I feel like is nothing but always tell myself that I need to get my day going. I feel like I have no because in life. I always get the grunt of everything when it comes to my sibling and being the only sibling that can speak my parents language so naturally it falls onto my shoulders. I wake up to go work and home and that is it. Works been the only thing to get me out of the house and mind off it. I have always told myself I am not depressed or deserve ( I do not know how else to put it) to feel this way because I feel like its just normal everyday problems I am feeling. I have always been able to get myself out of the feeling but This time around, it has gotten pretty bad. I have thought of death a lot more recently. How I would die and how and what I could do to because it. At one point, I even got happy when I came to peace with death and was going to try it. that is when I realized I needed to get help. Besides therapy is there any coping strategies that you guys can offer? I was thinking of getting on the meds but need to get a referral from my GP. Getting the help",Depression +9392,Basically during a discussion I was repeatedly insulted during by people who disagreed with me but when I get angry and insulted people back I am banned from the sub and suspended by old account. It feels really shitty to essentially be ganged up on and kicked out of a community where I had been nothing but polite. The whole discussion was just over if Transgendered is actually grammatically correct to say. I guess the mods did not like that I said technically it was so is not an insult. Now I am banned after I was the one fending of all the insults. It makes me feel so alone. All I can think is nobody wants you anywhere. Nobody wants at all. All I can think about is taking all my meds and every pill I can find in my house at once. Feel suicidal over internet bullying like a child.,Depression +38367,hi i am very sorry if this is the wrong sub for this post a good friend is going through a though depressive episode right now and since we live in different country we mostly hang out by playing game online we joke a lot but my humor a well a hers can get quite self depricating so i want to change my type of joke and how i talk in a way that boost her self esteem instead of lowering it i am really bad with word so if some of you have concrete example for how i can turn a joke or a phrase like bruh we are so dumb lol etc around to something positive would be really helpful just imagine you have to teach a toddler with atrocious social skill how to be a supportive friend,Depression +38678,this town is causing me depression and anxiety i lived here my whole life and i only have bad memory here abuse bullying etc i even have trouble walking and breathing because of the stress i need to leave because it s making my depression worse i tried to talk about it with my psychiatrist but she dismissed it isn t she suppose to help me get out of here,Depression +17125,"idek if this is the right place to talk about this. my therapy contract is expiring soon so i feel more pressured to pretend I am doing better. I am really not and I am scared. i do not have any older adults i trust to ask for advice and i do not want to talk to a counselor from school.I am currently studying pharmaceutical sciences. it sucks bc I am not that interested in it but my parents were proud i got the offer. the thing is, i keep having nightmares where i secretly synthesize drugs and take them to end my life. I have been hospitalized for overdosing several times before and just overdosed again several days ago. when i get strong suicide urges i almost always turn to overdosing on my medications. i have no idea what to do tho. idk what i want in life, i just know its not whatever it is I have got going on rn. so I am not sure if i should switch my degree or just hope that I will be better a few years from now. i feel so lost and scared and all this stress really is not helping i think I am getting worse and I am scared of where I am headed",Depression +48019,"How are you guys have the will? M 34..It's been almost 4 months, avoiding human contact as much as possible, and lack of willing to do something, not even cleaning my room, or looking for a job, but to my family I say I'm OK (I leave alone far from them)... I know what I have to do to be back on my feets, but no desire or strength. I don't want to end my life because I know how it will make my family feel. Just leaving in vegetate state in bed looking at videos until I fall asleep, and saying to myself ""tomorrow I will do what needs to be done to get back on my feet"" next day same, unwilling to do something. Nothing, empty, everything is pointless.",Depression +38591,i always feel everyone dislike me and laugh behind my back my own friend i feel even hate me secretly am i just paranoid or could there be something to this in my past most people have hated me on sight a well so i m confused is this just from being depressed for too long i also feel like a burden on my partner and friend just by being around or even saying one word i feel i waste my partner time completely along with friend time my friend friend actually leave call whenever i show up a well so it s a sign of something i often time honestly feel it would be easier on those around me if i passed away due to the hatred i feel if everyone hate me so much why am i still around,Depression +9561,17f it is the 4th week of my summer vacation and i litterllay did not leave my house. Life is so depressing when you got no rl friends. I honestly think I am cursed or some shit. I have been so unlucky all my life So fucking lonely :(,Depression +40992,seasonal depression suck,Depression +38171,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +27333,"For those of you who have not tried meditating or practicing yoga yet, try it.I know that when you are depressed you do not feel like doing anything anymore. I myself feel that way.But even doing it for at least 5 minutes can help.I hope it made you feel better (for at least 30 seconds i hope) Something to cope",Depression +39211,the past almost 0 month have been the hardest worst time of my life i ve always had a decent amount of anxiety and a little depression i wouldn t even call it depression just a little blue sometimes but these past 9 0 month have been so hard for me every day of my life i feel the deep almost debilitating heart beat making it hard to breathe waking up to that feeling is the worst thing i can describe just make me want to bawl when that s the first thing i experience when i wake up the constant feeling that i want to gag or puke from the anxiety having no true enjoyment out of anything no matter how hard i try i can only fake it i haven t been truly relaxed and at peace for so long i have a wife and a little daughter who i love so much i know they deserve so so much better than me the way i ve ruined their life with my depression and anxiety i know my wife get frustrated going thru this for almost a year i feel like i ve wasted the last 9 0 month of my daughter life and that absolutely kill me missing these special little moment playing more with her etc i just don t have the energy to like i should it kill me i try to talk about how i feel to my wife and my mom the only two i feel comfortable talking to my mom ha so much on her plate and my wife is going thru some family issue so i feel guilty even burdening them with my feeling and issue aka why i m posting here i honestly feel like i ve lost my mind and i m just so so so tired of feeling this way i ve dreamed about just going to sleep and never waking up and then ultimately feel guilty to even think of that with a wife and daughter i know my wife deserves better than me and she would probably move on at some point but my daughter is the only thing keeping me going i know i need to be on med but i m so scared i ll be put on the wrong one and make my mind even worse and make these intrusive thought even worse i m so scared of it i just want the suffering to end and have my life back i ve never been much of a user if reddit but this is the only place i can think of to vent how i truly feel anyone else struggling too i hope you find peace,Depression +9549,"it is been so many times I thought shit could not get any worse, but it did. it is so exhausting and demoralizing, if this continues I do not see myself alive by 30, I want it to stop. Rock bottom does not exist",Depression +8173,Sick of it all. No clue what to do seems like the only option. Shit does not get better matter of fact it only gets worse fuck this Never thought about suicide this much in my life,Depression +39621,it s not that had to understand,Depression +12749,"I have a gun to my head and as soon as I click post, I am pulling the trigger. Bye I died",Depression +39290,i ve just walked half an hour to my therapy appointment and i m not even sure if my appointment is today or not they didn t send a reminder this is my second appointment with them it should be today and i think she said next monday but i feel like i m going to embarrass myself by showing up and it s the wrong day not only that but i had another appointment today that i had to reschedule because i thought i wouldn t be able to make it but then i realised i read the time wrong and i would ve made it i m just an idiot i hate being me edit it all worked out i panicked over nothing like the idiot i am d,Depression +39897,hello idk what to do anymore my dick is fucking broken and i can t feel it anymore look up hard flaccid if you want to know it i hatey life now have little sexual interest and feel worthless idk if i ever can have fun with sex again and i m still only 0 i had my life to live but it seems over also i have some fucked up familiy and mental health problem i don t wvtn know where i ll be next year all my goal and ambition are lost i just want to end the pain is there any easy and minimal pain way to die,Depression +47513,Can't concentrate after quitting antidepressants Has anyone experienced something similar or is this just how my brain works? I had been taking the antidepressants for less than three weeks and then decided to go cold turkey. It's like if I had a constant brain fog I can't concentrate nor do anything I wish I hadn't started taking them in the first place.,Depression +25911,"life just feels so - i do not know - exhausting. like my mind's constantly running and I am always so restless and on the edge and sad and the thing is I am so fricking privileged. I am so privileged and i wish someone could trade places with me and use my life to their advantage because they would have used it up well. one of those 9-10% of the world population in extreme poverty could have been me, and they would have been so happy and grateful and deserving of this. i just hate trying to be perfect all the time, because each time something little is not perfect, i freeze. when i know I am going to get a B, i feel like kms. i also have no friends and no social life, and I have never connected with anyone on a deep level and no one likes me. everyday I am just so sad and down and i feel like life has no purpose. all those liars saying that everything happens for a reason, it really does not, only those successful people say that because they were in a situation where life did go well in their direction. life is a fricking random thing and i do not know why consciousnesses had to be a thing. i honestly just do not know",Depression +9267,"I should not have to explain this any further but whatever. Basically, I am done. I am quitting and accepting that I will always be miserable. I am giving up. Why try when I know for certain I will always fail?",Depression +47968,"My brain is melting I experienced something like this when I had psychosis in teenage. I dont clearly remember those few years, because my mind was clouded. Then I got never ending depression. + +I'm 25 now and feeling this again. Like im on autopilot without thinking, like my brain is underwater. I don't like it and afraid that I will get another awful psychosis. I think I should visit a doctor, but I'm indifferent to everything. Secretly I hope that my mind will melt and I will disappear from reality. But probably I will just end up suffering like in the past. + +I wish I could just accidentally die right here right now. Deep inside I believe in that sudden death, so I do nothing with my life, keep living like a worm. Even of I know that miracle won't happen, I can't reject it.",Depression +26975,"First of all, I do not recommend gambling at all as it can and probably is already a problem for me. All I have been doing lately is gambling on sports. I started with $1000 got it up to $5000 and then lost most of it. I still gamble which I know I probably should not but I am just so depressed it is like my only 'hobby'. I just feel like gambling has become my vice, it is something to make me feel something. it is almost like my only friend I can count on. it is the 4th of July and here I am at home. Probably will go drive around just for the heck of it. I am so tired of everything. Depression and sports gambling",Depression +47871,"I’m embarrassed to say this but I need help I’m 19 and turning 20 in may, I have tried living a “normal” life with a full time job but that doesn’t help. I’ve also tried therapy and have been taking 200 mg of Sertraline for about a year and a half now and that barely helps me. I want to pass away but I have anxiety so I’m afraid of the pain that might come with it. I’m stuck in what seems like and endless circle of hating life but being terrified to end it. I need help",Depression +27153,[ Hopefully someone can take something from my experience...,Depression +22543,"I do not know what I would do without my mom honestly my parents divorced 2 years ago and since then, my mom would manipulate me and tell me my dad was in the wrong, when she was. She cheated but refuses to admit it. It did not really matter to me at the time, and it still does not. But she lies to me about mostly everything in order to make me prefer her over my dad. The thing is I do prefer her, but I say I like them both equally. She usually leaves for a week every month to manage a restaurant far away from our home, and during this time, I feel extremely empty and meaningless for some reason. I cannot bring myself to cook food, and I just feel extremely lazy. I thought that after I got a car, I would not feel this way, but I still do. I am currently 17, and college is a year away from me, and I am scared about it because I do not want to be away from my mom. I know that I should do what is best for me, but I do not know. Is this normal? And how do I ease this strong attachment I have for her? I feel meaningless and empty without my mom near me",Depression +23219,"i stopped studying this year and Feel like a useless piece of shit. Make my mom cry almost daily , and i hate myself more every second. Today, alone at home, i could not handle the pain of being sober. its the first time that i resort to cocaine ( wonce my medication ends). I need help, guys.i do not want to make my mom cry even harder because I have becomed a junkie. All Advice is appreciated. thanks for reading, brothes. keep fighting I started using cocaine to distract my mind.",Depression +9651,i am supposed to be doing better but thoughts of ending my life still plague my everyday existence. i truly believe that my death would relieve so many people of burden and immense potential pain. how do i stop imagining this escape and stop feeling this way? how do you deal with suicidal ideations?,Depression +11683,"hi , my name is Kenzie , I am 14 years old and i live in France . last year , i discovered that i have autism. so here is my story .the first time i got bullied, i was 8 and it was in elementary school . one friend group in the school i was in was humiliating me and they were agressive physically ( they hurted me physically ) the teacher from this school in 4/5th grade was very special. she made fun of me multiple times . was literally bullying me . making fun of my difficulties in maths . when i was 9 , i did a sucide attempt by doing a OD with paracetamol . it was my first time i did something like this to myself. when i entered middle school , it was horrible as well . the 6th grade was my worst school year ever, it is like undescribable. i was and still is a very sensitive person , so of course random people were enjoying that fact . it was like worst that the first time I have got bullied. i could not stop crying and i was feeling so bad and insecure about myself . i never had friends in school , and i still have huge difficulties with making friends . i was always alone and never was in a friend group . last year , i failed my school year because I was rarely at school. it was way too hard for me and it still is , il very stressed about next year. the bullying issues are not stopping and i believe it will never stop . when i learned I am autistic , my principal teacher explained it to the class . and almost all of them like enjoyed that and was calling me retarded and kind of words like theses . now I am going to talk about my family problems , that I have been trough for three months now . my sister , is making fun of my autism , and is rude to me like all the time. my dad is alcoholic and can get very violent and vulgar . my mom , is pretty good with me but not today . i went through a fight with my sister today and my mom defended all what my sister said like making fun of my weight and mental illness. i tried to talk with my mom but she was agressive for no reason . she told me she regrets me . which hurted me a lot and I am still so shocked about it and I am still crying. I am suicidal so I am really scared of what i could do to myself if my family keeps being like that. i really hope someone will understand me and give me some tips . thank you in advance. i really want to be understandable, i feel horrible right now. going through another depression.",Depression +11746,"I do not know. I cared really deeply about someone and tried my very best to treat them as best as I could but then they started to completely ignore me and shut me out, which hurt me immensely. Their hostile indifference towards me confuses me and I have felt so guilty and pondered what I could have done wrong. They still remain really happy with their friends and are a successful person as a result of being a friendly, considerate, determined person while I got hurt very deeply and am suffering from trying to do the right and mature things. I tried my best to be kind and good friend and I got hurt so badly and have been in such a pit for 2 months so far. My grades dropped, my disposition is gloomy, and I lack any motivation and things have lost their pleasure. People tell me to move on and that I cannot let it impact me but it does not feel like a choice. I do not want it to, but it does impact me still. I have done things for myself to try to move on, but I am still hurting. I do not understand how I could try my best to be good and get hurt, while they did not act the mostmature or kindly and still remain happy and content and successful in their life. They are a really good person who treats their friends very well so it feels awful to be treated like this knowing that they treat everyone else so much better despite all that I did for them. If you read this, thank you. I do not know what to do. Hurt.",Depression +15716,"So it appears that it is pretty much over for me. I am a 24 year old male, living with my mother, unemployed, no girlfriend and almost no social life. I am a little chubby (30lbs or so overweight), but other than that I look fine. I have a bachelor's degree in Physics and now I am entering my final year as a master's student in Solid State Physics. It seems that I simply cannot get a job and do something with my life. No one wants to hire me, not even for jobs for which I am overqualified. I feel terribly lonely and nothing seems to work. I feel that my chances of getting out of this situation are getting slimmer every day. I may have to make peace with the idea that I will be unemployed and a loser for the rest of my life. I do not know what to do. People keep telling me that things will get better in time, but so far, it seems that time only made things worse. I am considering a 7 day water and electrolytes fast since I have done it before and I have plenty of body fat to lose and it is rather safe in my case. Maybe the fast will also bring some mental clarity. I do not know if I am actually depressed since I am willing to at least try to change my situation, but it feels like if I do not get my life sorted out soon enough, I may get depressed for real and that kind of scares me because at that point, I will have no motivation left to actually do anything. I thought maybe some of you could help me with some advice or anything. 24 year old loser",Depression +19068,"In last two years of school i was hopeless and depressed. I was able to hide this from everyone because when i asked for help sometimes many said i will get over it.Though i was able to get in average college I am hopeless, lonley, depressed again. I am tired and sleepy all the time even if i get 7 hr sleep. I am scoring nearly last in classes. How and when will it get better?",Depression +40400,tired of detail just going to get to the point i have attempted before and lately i ve been feeling like attempting again might try to think of a plan or talk myself out of it idk yet we ll see how life treat me the next few day,Depression +40391,i m 9 i m in recovery for marijuana addiction i want to quit juuling soon it s making me so depressed and anxious i feel financially insecure i m not happy at my job and oftentimes time i feel suicidal i don t want to rely on med have any of you felt this way and made drastic change and turned it all around this is absolutely the most depressed i ve ever been and i ve never thought about suicide this much before i m seeing a therapist but ultimately i want to start leading a well rounded life with healthy coping mechanism that don t involve health insurance ha anyone ever done this have you gone through a dark era where suicide wa on your mind constantly but then you turned it around need some hope some story that make me think it s possible,Depression +8781,"Any form of intimacy gives me severe nausea. To describe it in detail, you know that feeling you get when you are about to throw up? Your saliva is basically the consistency of water and you feel something being thrown up your esophagus? that happens, but i never throw up. i get on the verge of vomiting but it never comes. this would in turn lead to a racing thoughts, shortness of breath, and every other symptom of anxiety you can think of. This happened to some degree almost every single time. did not matter what the form of intimacy was (talking, cuddling, kissing, or having sex), but the more sexual the situation the worse the anxiety nausea was.I have only ever had one partner and we were together for about 4 months but i had to break up with her because the anxiety got so severe that my feelings were lost for her because i was overwhelmed with how intense the nausea and anxiety was. it got to the point where even just hanging out with her (and have nothing go on between us) made me sick to my stomach, and sometimes she could not even touch me or i could not even look at her. she was not abusive or manipulative by any means, in fact she was the most supportive person i could have asked for. when things were getting steamy she would ask if i was okay and if i needed a minute (when the nausea happened i would step out of the room/car and walk around taking deep breaths) and she completely understood. she showered me with acceptance and understanding and i still could not get over the nausea and anxiety. We were completely open and transparent with eachother and it still happened. The level of nausea varied each time, though. sometimes it was a little, other times it was so intense i could not move. only a few times did i not have nausea at all. Now, after breaking up with her a few months ago i have had multiple opportunities to even just hang out with a woman platonically 1 on 1 and i completely avoid it because it freaks me the fuck out. i do not want to have any form of intimacy anymore because i know how anxious and nauseous i will get. It just sucks because I am comfortable with like sending nudes and stuff and that is about it. i feel like such an asshole for even doing that because i know i will not be able to go any further than that. I get this problem with other things too, like eating and going on vacation, as well as being deathly scared of smoking and drinking, but this particular situation is where it gets the most intense and the most frequent. I am on Prozac for my anxiety, if that is any additional information that may help. this whole thing has spiraled me into a deep pit of self consciousness and even self hatred. I have had countless nights just lying awake thinking about what is wrong with me and why i cannot justenjoy life the way i want without having to be controlled by the way my stomach decides to act one day. I do not need a solution as soon as possible, i just need a place to start in order to fix me. [20M] I suffer from anxiety related nausea due to mainly intimacy with another person and it has left my mental health in absolute shambles.",Depression +40945,every thought is a battle every breath is a war and i don t think i m winning anymore depression depressed http t co v m af,Depression +38092,you know that feeling when the day and night drag on the tear stream down your cheek your vision start to tunnel the feeling of being lost with no where to go the movie staring yourself is playing and all you can do is sit back and watch a the world start to slip away from you slowly the first time i tried taking my life wa year old i wa physically and mentally abused from the moment i wa born and still mentally abused to this day this time it me abusing myself i got so used to being alone and not wanted so what s the point in trying anymore 0 0 wa a bad year for everyone but that is the time where i started losing a grip on my life for the last time my world started spirlling out of control what did i do i woke up at 0am walked into the kitchen grabbed a knife and drug of deep across my throat i walked into the bedroom where my wife wa sleeping she woke up to the sound of gargling only you find me trying to hold my throat shut she immediately called 9 and just looked at me in aw with a single tear falling down my cheek all she could do is watch a her husband is slowly dying right in front of her when i woke up day later in the hospital she wa no where to be found this is when my world came crashing down over me hearing those word whisper out of her mouth i want a divorce that wa the day i died inside i lost my soul mate my best friend my wife and the mother of my child i lost everything that day family friend my daughter my house my truck and my heart every day i fall asleep cry begging to take me back in time but in reality i know i can t so what is there left to do you ask die life for me ha ended i have nothing more left in me anymore i have been suffering from depression for a very long time i m exhausted i m tired i m alone i m lost all i want is to end this story of my life called misery i want to leave this world so i don t have to disappoint anyone ever again i am broken i can t do it anymore everyone say life is precious well to me life is a waste of time i have nothing more to give i have nothing more to learn i have nothing i am depressed i am hurt i am sitting in the theater watching a my screen start to fade to black this is it i tell myself i am no longer going to sit here and put a fake smile on my face for everyone else i am done helping out others with there problem why doesn t anyone ask me how i am doing probably because i would lie i am going to die i am ready i hope and pray the my daughter and my ex wife can forgive me i will always love them until the end of time with that being said i am signing off i have nothing left in the tank goodbye cruel cruel world until we meet again daddy will always be looking over you guiding you in a direction i never wa pushed towards i may not have any friend but i will be leaving a mark on legacy my job here is done good bye signing off,Depression +22709,"I have failed so much throughout my life and i continue to fail. My wish is to forever be remembered especially through music but how long will people remember me? Will i be forgotten?My accomplishments throughout my life are unnoticed and i feel like i wasted my life. I have just failed over and over. If i fail again, is there a reason to continue knowing how much ill keep failing? I feel so unaccomplished",Depression +38541,i know it s getting to a low point again i don t want to leave my bed my grade are low my mom is worried and if she doesn t bring me food to my room i would eat i can t shower i can t help myself from sleeping i told my boyfriend and i feel like he is not here for me not with this depression stuff i don t want to do all i do is cry and sleep i m so tired and i don t even move to go to the bathroom i hate being in this loop i just hate everything and i don t want to talk to anyone but i know i need help i thought i wa doing better but i m at my lowest again,Depression +18719,I find that this is affecting my memory too. I do not realize I am doing it. Whenever I make eye contact it feels like an awk moment Any helpful tips to promote eye contact?,Depression +18234,"there is a far larger picture that I might share sometime, but to break recent events down I lost my grandma back in May. She was my true best friend and the lost has not even fully caught up with me yet.Things just fell apart after her passing, I have always had a deep depression but this is different. I genuinely feel like I have given up, things would pile up in my room before but I cannot convince myself to clean up at all now. I find myself prone to short intense bursts of anger again, after I thought I was over it. But most distressing is how I am ruining what very few friendships I have left. Just 2 days ago I found myself being openly hostile towards someone I deeply care abt over something so dumb, it hurt them and it hurt me because I felt nothing in the moment. Its not who I thought I was, I am scared its too late to makeup for it because I have done so much damage already to everyone and thing I care about. Through that situation I learned that my friends created a group chat to discuss and possibly look for ways to help me.. I had no idea. I do not know how to process it, I should feel some since of joy knowing they had my back but.. I am more disgusted with myself than anything because Ik they saw and shared things I have said. I feel like I should just disappear from the world because I cannot fit in, I have tried for years but this keeps happening and I just ruined the one chance I thought I had at peace. I hate who I am becoming",Depression +12456,"I am very jealous of people who can draw. I really want to learn to do it, but there is something, pulling me from behind, saying stuff like ""lol idiot, you think you can learn to draw? you are pathetic, you cannot, you are too late! Everybody around you started way before you and you missed your chance! you will never learn to draw! And what if you do? it is not like you will have time with your shitty future job! If you had started early maybe you would have been better at it! And also, you are just perverted and when you even try to draw everybody will think that. You just want to draw women, you sick fuck"" I feel late",Depression +39959,i beginning to think more and more that i am not suited for this life thing i don t think i wa ever meant to find happiness peace in this lifetime i think i wa set up to fail from the start i want the deepest of connection while i wa born with the frailest of heart the slightest touch i bruise a little pressure and i bleed there s no way this is going to work there s only a buildup of crushed expectation a i stuff myself back into the darkness deeper each time i won t last much longer never in my life ha anyone needed or wanted me a much a i them and that hurt i cling to the smallest of gesture am i crazy to think i m thankful to have met you mean being appreciated human to human i just want a piece of that closeness everyone else seems to have i just don t want to be alone for once not to be other is that too much to ask for or do i not deserve it what s the point i m never going to feel fulfilled in this lifetime anyways,Depression +48146,"Hate being sober I guess I’m a poly addict but rn it’s alcohol. I just turned 21. I’m wasting my life away drinking everyday, no job, I have one passion and it’s music but I don’t see it going anywhere. My gf is an alcoholic who blames me for her alcoholism. She asked if she could punch me in the face tonight. Called me a loser cuz I said she needed help. Idk I guess I’m just venting but I’m so lost and I feel like no one cares. My mom sends me $50 a week so I won’t bother her, that’s how I get my alcohol. I feel like such a bum loser, can’t even hold down a job let alone show up to an interview. It’s a cop out for sure but it’s because my anxiety. I get anxiety everywhere, I’m scared of shit like getting blown up Everytime I stop to fill up on gas. I’m scared of a gas line exploding at a food service place. I can’t even be outside with panic attacks that I’m gonna be struck by lightning. I just need help and idk where to turn it feels like everyone hates me or is disappointed. I feel like I won’t be here much longer I can’t deal with the anxiety or stress or apathy or anything I can’t do it anymore. I guess this is just a vent and I’m sorry if it breaks any rules but damn life is just weird and sad and I don’t get it. 21 btw if that makes a difference",Depression +22639,"In the past six months, I went through a break up with the only person I ever let in and truly loved, had a mentally ill family member threaten to shoot me, had repressed memories of molestation and abuse work there way out in counseling, lost my home during the break up, bought a 5th wheel i cannot register because of a title dispute from three owners ago, found out my father who was barely there is not actually my father, and so much more. The last month I have been living in my truck with my two dogs, and having suicidal urges and thoughts multiple times a day. It seems like everytime i think I am at the bottom something comes along to kick me in my teeth like a passed of redneck wearing steel toes. I feel fucked, completely fucked. I work all day, play with the dogs, and pass out only to do it all over again. I do not know how to get out of this, and housing and rental prices are soaring, nearly impossible to find one on my construction paychecks right now. I do not know what to do, I am holding onto a vague plan, and a hope that if I just keep working something will eventually get better, but it has not. I feel fucked, beyond fucked, and one of these days I reckon I will give in, and just tie that noose, and hope it happens quick. I have no family, and most my friends are on another continent, I do not know why I chose to post this, I guess I would at least like to be heard by someone other than my two pups. My abuela used to say, what man plans, God displans. That used to be a powerful reminder in the form of an old saying, now it feels like an oppressive approximate for the generalities of life. I am over it, I just want to sleep peacefully, you knows? An Interesting Title",Depression +47629,"I’ve recently lost an invaluable watch and gold chain that was passed down from my family. I’ve also been sick for a month. I am also a very isolated person. I’m a first year teacher; tomorrow is my formal, which is one of the most important days of the year for my career. I get evaluated on my performance. + +I’ve never missed a day of work until this month; I was so sick that I was sent to the ER. That was two weeks ago. Then I couldn’t chew, my wisdom teeth were gnawing at me, and the gum over the tooth got infected. Now I have a cold as well. + +Within this time, I’ve lost my gold chain, an invaluable item with massive sentimental value. I received it from my parents when I graduated from my masters. I wore it everywhere. + +I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve cut off the few friends I have entirely for weeks. My co-workers know something is off, but I put on a smile at work. + +I am absolutely broken. I’ve had close to no sleep these past few days. I’ve found no enjoyment in anything and have had no appetite. + +I haven’t been happy for years. I have isolated myself due to the pressures of work; and have lost a lot of friendships and relationships because of it. But these past few events have been stacking on and I don’t know if I can take this anymore. I have rigorously searched everywhere for this gold chain, but I think I’ve lost it at the gym or at the library on Monday. I’ve called both. + +My thoughts are everywhere, I apologize if this is not comprehensible. + +I’m been sad for months due to other things but it feels like I have a curse, or a bad omen following me this month. I don’t know what to do, or who to talk to. I can’t speak to my friends, it’s so embarrassing. My life feels like it’s been falling apart at a slow and steady pace and this is the huge finale.",Depression +23754,"I am on my first week and I have not been feeling really depressed except for Sunday where I had kind of a breakdown. I have been feeling foggy but definitely less anxious like my mind feels like I am high kind of and I am not pulling at thin air because I cannot relax as much. Got the nausea and some headaches and also am taking sleeping pills at night, they also help my appetite which yes I have been eating a lot. Idk I feel ok? But not normal like something is kind of wrong. I feel maybe I do not need them? Like I am at peace right now and I think of things that make me sad or anxious occasionally because they just pop up but idk like something blocks that feeling. I think its also partly me that I was psyched when I was given my medication because I was looking forward to feeling ""normal"" again. But idk what do you guys think? How do I know I do not need my meds? Or am I just assuming I do not need them because nothing has happened yet? Idk I am In ok mindset. Thank you guys in advance and sorry if it is convoluted. How do I know If I do not need anti depressants?",Depression +26474,"idc about genre, any sad song will do. struggling to feel anything, please post some sad songs so at least i can feel that",Depression +39061,ok so this neusea thing ha slowly started to ruin my life i have just recently realised it might be anxiety it started when i wa about every time when i went to a sleepover close to the bedtime i started feeling sick cant remember more since it wa so long timeago it still continues today year later i can not stay the night at anyone el place or have anyone stay over at mine when the night fall and we are supposed to be relaxing i start shaking dont want to be touched or spoken to i feel like i could throw up anytime i feel my muscle tensing up when i notice it i breathe out and i feel relaxed for few second until i remember the other person presense and i start shaking again playing videogames or going outside help a bit now i have a boyfriend and he would really wan na spend the night together but i just cant do it we tried i started feeling really sick and then he left and now i feel bad everytime i see him sometimes when ive been alone i wake up middle of the night feeling sick shaking everytime i try to continue sleeping i see flash of food and sometimes if my house smell like food a bit it get overwhelming i go to sit to my toilet for hour barely staying awake sipping water sometimes i throw up and it help sometimes i just end up sleeping while sitting it is terrible and i hate this so so much i dont wan na break up with my boyfriend because of this but he is gon na lose his patience soon p i think i have emetofobia aswell edit ive been officially diagnosed with depression amp anxiety and ive never told these symptom to my old psychologist i thought it wa dumb,Depression +15304,"Not like about anything deep or anything going on. Am just still really sad about my breakup a month ago and well...have not really had any interpersonal communication with anyone other than my coworkers. And it is only work stuff. I just want someone to have a conversation with regularly, daily, a friend. I just want someone to talk to",Depression +7718,do not know if this is relatable to anyone else but Freddie and effys relationship hits so much harder when you are also depressed and know that no one will ever understand/try to understand care and unconditionally love you as much as Freddie did for effy. Skins UK: freffy,Depression +25222,I sent her a message yesterday and it is more than 24 hours she did not even bother to read my message I had decided it if she will not reply me in 24 hours I will take my life. My message is on delivered for more than 24 hours,Depression +7626,"I am tired of feeling tired of being depressed.My life is a bucket full of shit in which I stick my head into every morning.Most people are shallow and act only for their self interest but cover that under a veneer of false benevolence and think we cannot see through their bs. We live in a sick world where we only think about ourselves, use nice people ditch them then repeat the process. The idea of suicide seems more and more attractive to me as days go by Life is made of pain",Depression +17358,"My brain is a mess, a fucking mess. I do not know how I function everyday. My brain is constantly shouting, telling me to kill myself, telling me I am a terrible person for wanting to kill myself, repeating the same words, same memories over and over. I just want to think one thought, have an answer to *one* fucking thing. So many thoughts",Depression +9594,So long just doing nothing. Mindlessly following a dangerous obsession. Trying to pass the days just waiting to die. Waiting for something to happen. My family will be sick of it soon. They already are. they have had more than enough. I did not sleep again. I have an appointment at 130 and its 7. I cannot miss it. Hopefully i do not. I wish it would just stop. I wish I was not so pathetic and lazy. Its true. I am looking for escapes. They do not come easy sometimes. Eagerly awaiting the greatest escape of them all. I honestly just feel defeated. I feel nonexistant.,Depression +38491,in 0 0 my wife and i moved back to my small hometown due to price of living and being closer to family since then it ha been just the worst year of my life the pandemic started getting serious so we distanced ourselves from my family because everyone wa still going out and acting like we weren t in a plague we have small child one ha a very weak immune symptom we were basically ostracized and told how selfish we were to a point where i got very close to taking my own life thing got better but i m not a close to my mom a i used to be the whole ordeal made me realize how much of a narcissist she is and that she turn everything into a fight recently we pulled my year old out of pre school because many kid i his class got covid with the intent of sending him back a soon a he can get vaccinated my mom is constantly fighting with me and my wife saying we are failing my son anytime i try to even explain my side she turn it into a fight i m at a point where i just can t do it anymore i m mentally exhausted in my head i m already planning on selling our house in the hopefully near future and moving this is just me venting because i have no one else to vent to i can t connect with anyone here in this town because most of them never got out,Depression +47510,"I'm too old and pretty much done I'm 24, I will be 25 in November, and I haven't done anything with my life. + +I'm still at University because I reproved 3 years and I still got 3 more years (hopefully) to finish it. I have no friends much less a girlfriend, I used to hang out with my school friends (till about 2019) but nowadays all of them have moved on with their lives, at University I made no friends the first 2 years and now is impossible because everyone already knows each other so there is no ""get to know each other"" moments. + +Not only that, but because I fucked up so many times at University I lost access to the government grants and I must pay for University with my money which I don't even have because I don't have a job but even if I had one it wouldn't be enough. + +I don't do anything the whole day nor do I talk with anyone, I haven't had a conversation with someone other than my family for about 3 years. I'm only eating once a day because I'm short on money, I hate going outside because I don't have anything to do but I can't even watch a movie or play a video game because is just not fun anymore, I often just keep opening and closing the movies or games. + +**Now that I'm 24 I just feel way too old to do most things and feel like I don't fit anywhere. I'm not good looking and people just ignore me, I feel like I just missed the boat on developing social relationships and It's too late for me now.**",Depression +25707,...cannot be good for me. Most days I barely move my body at all. I have no hobbies and no duties or responsibilities. My muscles are surely atrophying slowly. There is no reason to get out of bed. Nothing sparks joy. Nothing matters. Nothing is important. The number of hours I lay motionless in bed...,Depression +8583,"This is going to be a long (and not first) post on this subreddit.I am a 22 year old man, and even though I do not like it either when these posts start with a list of things people do not like about themselves (they suffer from eucharist syndrome I am going to), I believe these are in relation with my problems. I am gay, autistic, virgin, pursuing a useless degree (we will return to this), no driving lisence, barely any money under on my name, and below minimum wage income. My future is looking bleak and tbh worse than that of everyone around me. Though they can only help so much. I have yet to find the passion, drive (or whatever that makes you go from point a to point b) in my life.Who can tell well it all went wrong? My tiger mom? Maybe. My emotionally distant dad? Who knows. Sheltering and undersocialisation? Maybe. I have been dealing with depression and suicidial ideations since age 10. My parents made me go to a foreign language school (they wanted me to mingle with other ""elite"" kids) which so to speak was the most traumatic experience of my life (crying and begging my parents not to make me go there, can you guess wheter they listened?) I was bullied daily for 10 years of my life.Everyday of school was a struggle, to say I got used to this is an understatement. Even in my head I cannot find my own place in life, regular panic attacks and feelings of dread come in every month or so, demoralising and demotivating.Recently got an internship in a business consulant company where I constanly underpeform due to lack of knowledge in economics, drive and the problems listed above. I got the position on the promise that I will start a Finance BSc next semester. If being late in life in other aspects already was not enough, I am graduating with a BSc at 26 which makes me feel terrible. The feelings of dread and inadequacy just cumulate and I am getting close to being overwhelmed. Wierdly enough in times like this I want to talk and meet my mom. I want to get back into the womb where its warm and safe unlike outside here, sheltering, sheltering. I have wonderful friends and family members who love and support be but being so much behind in life compared to them and not being able to keep their advices in my head makes me feel terrible. Since my experience with most things is utter failure it does not make for a good though pattern does it? Afraid of life and in general of everything, but wierdly enough people see me as ""normal-acting"" (sic!) I guess at least I was always good at masking.This is one of my dreadful periods, each is worse than the previous. Feeling more lost than ever, positive thoughts occuring less and less. I really want this to end. Thank you. TL;DR: Years of abandonment, avoidance and deperssion resulted into a warped sense of reality which is self-fulfilling. What an ellaborate way to say I am depressed.PS.: There were ofc lot of things I did not mention which mounted up to this state of mine, but I consider those a result not a because. Thus unimportant. [CW: Suicide] Why I might commit suicide very soon, advice and consultation welcome!",Depression +39420,filler text filler tezt,Depression +24115,"This is a lot, and a long story, the past 3 months have been so hard and I do not know how to deal. This is a vent but also just trying to have someone understand what I have been through I guess. I have dealt with depression (along with OCD and GAD) my entire life, I have self-helped for a decade and started dealing with it more seriously 3 years ago going to therapy. Life has taken a big turn in the past year and I am having trouble processing. Obviously Covid has been a big thing, lost my favourite job bartending at a music venue which was something I was super passionate about and loved. I made a big move to try and start fresh. I was having health issues and while not pinpointing what was wrong with me I was told I may be infertile, which was a lot. Bought an AMC and started working on it as a project while I was not working and that brought me joy. Then while dealing with my health, found out I was pregnant. Bam. was not sure what to do, and I just could not go through with a procedure, and although hopeful made sure I made the decision knowing I might be alone in doing it. My sister was extremely supportive. I found a good job, got promoted and found a new roommate who was super excited about living with a baby as my roommate at the time was not sure and that was totally fair. I did everything I could to secure our future. My roommates parents bought a place for rental income and investment, I painted 2 rooms 8 months pregnant because it was not freshly painted or new. Made the place my own, set it up beautifully before baby was here. Spent my savings on new furniture and everything the baby could need. Everything was looking pretty bright, and then I started labour. It went on for 84 hours of active labour, I had absolutely terrible care in the hospital, my epidural failed, the first doctor dealing with me did not tell me anything or helped, and on the 83.5 hour a female obstetrician knew I would needed a C-section LONG ago. It was so traumatic, and I am so happy he made it here healthy and happy. I hated being in the hospital and I left as soon as they let me, I was sleep deprived and not sane to leave, let alone physically capable after that surgery. When I got home I had no help, I could not move, and I felt so helpless. My new roommate left the place a mess while I was in the hospital and I was not okay. Found out my mom relapsed for the first time in many many years after she did not come help me and left me alone in my bed crying for 8 hours, and acting very strange. My roommate ended up being a piece of shit, and told me to leave 2 weeks after my surgery where I could not walk because I was pushing myself cleaning up after her, and doing everything myself because she needed a break. I had to travel and push myself even further. My sister who was previously so supportive abandoned me. I was totally alone. When I came back home, my roommate put all this dangerous ant killer dust everywhere on every window sill, wall, ledge, and was spraying Raid in the air like air freshener because of a few ants, that I never even saw. She would not clean it up even though it is dangerous to breathe in for an adult let alone a newborn. She then proceeded to spray Raid outside my room at 3am, knocking on my door to show me one ant at 3am to try and prove she was in the right. I had to give my month notice as she would not clean it up. I could not live like that. I left again, it was not safe for me to be there, my breathing and coughing was insane. I had pushed myself so hard that I started bleeding terribly, got an insane fever and had to go to the hospital alone. It was a week after my 1 month notice and I was just going to clean up the ant dust myself so I could pack my things etc. But when I got home every single item I owned was put on my bed, on the floor of my room and it was completely uninhabitable. My dishes, every single last item in storage, in the living room, groceries, laundry room etc. I had a full blown meltdown and just asked her how she could do this to a new mom, a single mother at that, she begged me for forgiveness, said she was so sorry about everything she put me through and since I could not live there that she would give my rent back. I packed everything and put it into storage, moving truck, and supplies it all cost me so much. She played nice and asked me what she could do etc. As soon as I was gone she and her parents (landlords) blocked me and denied my promised rent back. Legally because I had given my notice, I cannot do anything. So I have been couch surfing with a newborn for 2 months. My dad's gf has ALS and he suggested we find a place together so I could save some money, now I am caretaking a newborn and her. With all this stress and instability my anxiety is through the roof, my OCD back tenfold, and I feel like an absolute failure for my son. All his clothes in storage outgrew, all the new things I bought with my savings a waste. Just living out of bags. Then I had an extremely painful gallbladder attack as a cherry on top. Because storage is in another city I still do not have my things and will not even be able to fit it in the new tiny place, just a small room for me and my son. it is just too fucking much. I feel so ostracized and alone because of Covid, just being a parent and not able to do anything, I have been sober because I am breastfeeding so cannot even cope unhealthily for even a night. I cannot afford therapy, I do not have any real help. My doctor think my depression and anxiety are fine because my baby is healthy so it cannot be that bad. I do not know where to start. I love him so fucking much, and he is my world but I feel like I have not even been able to just enjoy being a mother and I feel so fucking robbed of the experience I know it should have and could have been. If I did not have him, I know I would not be here today. I am tired of being strong, I do not feel strong. I cannot stop crying, I am exhausted, I am hurt. Thank you if you read this all, and I do not know what I am expecting but I am not doing okay. I have always dealt with depression fairly well but life keeps throwing so much more and I do not know how to handle it",Depression +48156,Fearing nothing will make me feel better I am unattractive i’ll admit it society doesn’t view me as gorgeous or anything attractive. Society views black women as shrek monsters unless we straighten our hair or are visual mixed. It makes me mad that I’ll never be considered pretty by the mass scale. it always bothers me. I want to leave this planet so bad or die. I don’t ever want to be looked at by anyone ever again.,Depression +23055,"I got nothing to live for. In my 30s working a job I do not like and do not care about. I am currently in bed and should have been logged in by now. I do the bare minimum to keep it, do not even want it. No one knows I exist except my parents. I think about just writing them a suicide note/email. Send it at like 1am when they will def be asleep and then they may not even see it for a day. Throw my cell in a river. And just walk away from everything. Maybe Ill eventually kill myself maybe something better will come of it. All I ever think about is running away. Wish my ex was still here to come with me. No one ever cared about me like her. And no one has ever told me they hate me like her. I think about ending it so often",Depression +39920,my decision is irreversable and ha been thought through for some time i don t need any you shouldn t do that dont give up i know my action will be egoistic for people around me but i couldn t care i won t suffer so they do not have to go through my suicide should i leave a good bye fuck you letter or should i just do nothing,Depression +48084,Vitamin c deficiency? Anyone had vitamin c deficiency and how long did it take for supplementation to affect depression?,Depression +8696,"I have tried everything people recommend and kept at it for several months: exercising, meditating, going out in the sun, talking to people, being grateful etc...I still have a negative mindset and feel like crap on most days. The exercise does not matter: yeah, I have more muscles, so what? how is that of use? I wish I cared more about my body, but I do not really. Meditating just leaves me with my bad thoughts for too long. Being grateful for minute things just reminds me that I have not achieved big things etc... The cycle continues and I feel powerless to climb up from the hole I dug myself. Nothing seems to help to get me out of this funk...",Depression +40061,i tried to change thing and live happier but nothing i do work so im just gon na give up bye,Depression +22425,"I am ""doing better"" in the sense that I am too busy with school and part-time jobs to really dwell on my mental health issues. But it is all just so hopeless. I do not even want to be rich, I just want to be ""comfortable"". I can safely say that all the shit I have been through from childhood up to now can be traced back to money.I cannot even get a regular checkup without grimacing at the price, let alone get therapy or meds which I desperately want to at least try. I live in a 3rd world country with no universal healthcare. It feels like my life will just be an endless cycle of chasing after deadlines and bills. it is impossible to catch up. My actual profession is grossly underpaid, and my only hope is to wrack up enough experience to emigrate. And maybe, that will keep me busy enough from really dwelling on my depression, but I hope I do not look back on myself when I am old thinking, ""I should have just killed myself then."" I feel like I would.I am not actively suicidal anymore but I think that is how I will end up in the end. cannot kill myself now since us kids are practically my parent's insurance plan... Capitalism sucks. Realized that a lot of my issues come from financial instability. No matter how hard I work, it will probably never get better than this.",Depression +40439,age nojob sleeping thinking of suicide,Depression +19030,"I am 25, working as a quant in an investment bank for about two years after my graduation in 2019. The main problem that I face in my life is that I do not feel like doing anything at all. I have been on pills for 3 years now, been depressed for even more. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood which I have not been able to shake off yet.I am different because I get affected emotionally very easily and it totally gets to me. So called small things totally overpower me and I need time to recover. However the world being fast paced, i do not get that time so I have got to do my daily stuff in spite of that to ensure that I survive. My work is not stressful, it can be done by any sane living human with the drive to do it. But I cannot, I cannot make myself do even the smallest of things. What I feel like is just lying down and hoping it gets over. I know that is not how you get over things but I do not think I want to be what majority people term happy as. I do not feel peace and comfortable in that idea. What I feel happy about is kind of utopian, hence I do not spend much time thinking about it these days.I have been suicidal for almost a year and half. But given the failure that i , I have never attempted it since I was always afraid to die or hurt myself. I do not know a way out. Probably there is not one. What I do know is that I do not enjoy this existence I have on earth but I have got to go on hating every moment of it. And do things to survive even though I do not want to do or live through it at all.I mean, I never asked to be born. Just because two people had sex and wanted some meaning in their lives, I am here and now I have got to face all of these till idk when.I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel. I do not know what happens after death but that seems the only way out as that seems to be an end from this existence I have here.I do not feel things anymore. I have no hobbies, no likings or preferences, no inclination to any activity other than just lying down and overthink which is the because behind most of my mental issues - at least, that is what my psychiatrist said. My job pays for my survival, but I am almost getting overwhelmed by it",Depression +25836,I want to experience what love is. Everyone around me seems to have it but why cannot I? Its hard for me to find love as I am still in the closet (yes I know its 2021). It also does not help that I am perceived as straight and do not really fall into the gay stereotype and too shy to actually talk to boys bc of fear of being outed. Sometimes I wish I was straight just bc things would be easier in that aspect. I stay up late at night just falling deep in my thoughts that I actually cry lol. I just want to feel loved,Depression +12368,"I used to be really resistant to taking antidepressants because I learned they can make you gain weight and one of the things I really struggle with is body image but I reached one of the lowest points of my life a couple of months ago that finally forced me to re-evaluate. I started Prozac (40mg) a little over 5 weeks ago and I truthfully have not felt this good since before the pandemic began. I feel like I am finding myself again and my mood is not so volatile anymore. I know medication and psychiatrists are not accessible for everyone, but Id encourage you to at least try it out if you can (especially if you are struggling with a few different things like anxiety and ADHD along with the Depression)! My life really fell apart before I was finally pushed into trying it out, so I hope others can learn from my experience before things to start get really bad. Meds can help a lot :)",Depression +24189,"I can staunch some of the pain by being outside during the day, but when the darkness comes there is no escape. No choice but to sit in my room and be reminded about every single mistake, fuck up and how horrible I have treated myself and others. cannot crawl into bed and sleep comfortable with my body in shambles from neglect both physical and mental. it is just pure pain when the sun sets Nights are the worst...",Depression +47734,"How do I approach a close friend who has withdrawn herself into her room My close friend and flatmate has depression, and she has in the past two days out of nowhere shut herself out from everybody, including me who prior to this hung out with her almost daily. She has also stopped going to university. I am worried and don't know how to approach trying to talk to her as she has not reciprocated any messages of going for a walk or for food. I know it may be best to leave her be but as her friend I want to at least talk to her face to face and help her with any emotional support or comfort, especially since we live in the same flat. + +&#x200B; + +Should I just knock on her door, or just leave her be and keep texting to check up on her every once in a while? I do understand that depression can sometimes be better dealt with alone as not to be overwhelmed but I cant help but feel worried for her. + +&#x200B; + +(all her replies to messages of concern are 'i am alright' and along those lines) + +Any advice would be greatly appreciated",Depression +38203,maybe if i made regular healthy meal for myself instead of skipping them and eating junk food i d feel better maybe if i kept to a consistent sleep schedule instead of staying up late at night and letting myself pas out on the couch at random time throughout the day i d feel better maybe if i respected the way i looked instead of neglecting my hygiene and wearing dirty clothes because i don t feel like changing i d feel better maybe if i cleaned and decorated my apartment instead of surrounding myself with trash and shit i don t care about i d feel better maybe if i left the house once in a while and allowed myself to show the slightest bit of interest in anything i d feel better maybe if i let the right people in instead of always pushing them away minimize the toxic people in my life instead of always letting them get to me open up and trust instead of always expecting the worst and keeping my distance if i would actually be there for the people i care about instead of just saying i am then blowing them off maybe if i could open myself up to the possibility of positivity instead of always dwelling on the negative then i d feel better probably but damn it if that shit doesn t come naturally to me then i m just not interested work hard to make a change ha i m already working a hard a i can just to keep from loosing it on a day to day basis i am not willing to put in any more energy into my life than i already am thank you very much a life of incremental progress towards what wa supposed to be the starting line is no life at all a world where a brain can get like this whether a product of rationality or not is not a world in which i wish to live i don t care if there s hope for a better future unless it come with a better past and present too,Depression +38435,i am moving and i might not be able to bring my cat with me i haven t even had her year i am losing everything again i have to move and start over and lose the people close to me it feel like every time i try to improve my situation i get worse i know it ll get worse before it get better but this is hell i wish i could just have a safe place without having to uproot my life the only apartment i can afford doesn t allow pet i might just risk it and sneak my cat in anyways but i am scared of being caught and evicted god just everything everything is too much i have been cry for age,Depression +15129,"Last week my best friend found out that her bf of 1 year had been cheating on her for multiple months. This would be a pretty big heartbreak on its own, but she is also struggled majorly with depression since at least middle school. And on top of that, she just signed a lease with the guy 2 months before she found out. I ended up driving to her place last week because she was making some very suicidal claims, and honestly I can completely understand why she would want to give up. But I want her to pain to lessen and I do not know how to help other than just constantly letting her know that I care about her. Is there even a right thing to say? My Best Friend",Depression +39115,i recently started a new job and i m finding it difficult to socialize with my some of my colleague i have no problem with one on one but i tend to struggle with social anxiety in group setting a a result i often avoid joining my group s table during lunch fairly small around people my biggest concern is that i m half everyone s age and they ve all known each other for year in addition these are group of people i wouldn t normally interact with in social setting when i joined the table at one point i felt awkward and out of place worrying about everything that came out of my mouth i also joined them during happy hour but felt bored out of my mind and didn t want to be there i have made work friend during my orientation but they all ended up working different shift so i rarely see them i ve been spending my lunch alone so far and a much a it s way le stressful i sometimes feel sad and lonely i am not the only one alone in the break room though i didn t expect to be that person although i don t particularly relate to my colleague what are some way to get closer to them side note i work alongside with them all day hr shift in a lab setting so it s not like i never interact with them i can t tell if wanting to spend break alone is rude antisocial or actually common,Depression +21787,"I am 15 and I have one friend I can hang out with that is not toxic towards me I have become socially awkward towards people, any ideas on getting to know people before they right me off as someone they do not want to be around I am having trouble having people that are not toxic to hang out with",Depression +13639,I do not know if I know how to describe what is wrong. Things have been hard lately. It seems like nothing ever changes. It seems like I cannot contribute anything of value to people around me. It feels like I do not have the agency to make decisions or make things better. I just need a hug. Maybe a cup of tea. I need a hug.,Depression +21569,"I love my daughter and have given up so much of my life for her, and will continue to do so, but man, is it ever hard some days!! I have not been able to work for 3 years and I have barely had any good sleeps in the 8 years since her birth. Her father and I split up, which is a good thing because he is an ass, but I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never enter a serious relationship again because no man in his right mind would want a depressed, unemployed mom of a child that requires the level of attention that my daughter does. Worst of all, though, is the never ending guilt and self hated that comes from never feeling like I am doing enough for her or making her life less stressful. I have failed at everything in my life so far, including my most important duty; motherhood. Our upstairs landlords moved some of the lawn chairs in the yard today and that was way too stressful for my poor girl to handle. Imagine living in a world where rearranging furniture is traumatic for you. It just crushes me to see her so stressed out and I cannot do anything to make her feel better.It is 3:30 in the morning and she is now awake, even though I could not get her to sleep until 12:30 am. I have always struggled to get her to sleep through the night and I am still failing. Looks like another night of no sleep for me Being a parent of a special needs child is all kinds of hard",Depression +38558,recently went through a breakup so that s adding to this feeling but doe anyone else feel like they are simply just living day to day for the sake of it without direction yes i have goal etc but in the past when i ve reached goal nothing ha made me feel different anyone else feel aimless all the time i also used to be able to see where i wanted to be in or year now i can t even imagine what life will be like in to month can anyone relate,Depression +20408,....and realizing I am still here I Hate Waking Up...,Depression +24164,"I do not see a reason not to. I am literally garbage. I am not good at anything.. I do not ""excel"" at anything.. I have no one in my life despite me trying desperately. I mean.. I literally let someone catfish me. I knew it was happening. I confirmed it. I ignored it. 6 months of on and off talking/texting, exchanging pictures... I could never get her to meet or video chat. But I still kept talking to her. And I *still* want her in my life. I am so fucking desperate for anyone. It does not help that I fell madly in love with her...how could I not? No one has ever listened to me like her. No one has ever made me so happy by just..talking to me. Accepting me for who I was. I genuinely felt loved and cared for. I just wanted it to be real so badly...But tonight I think that is finally ended. She claimed she was coming over, and then poof, disappeared on me. This is not the first time. I pretty much *expected* it to be honest. But it does not change the fact that it hurts when that time rolls around that we are supposed to meet and she does not show up. It does not matter. it is just proof of what a pile of shit I am. I am so unlovable, unfuckable, and ugly that the only person who could ever ""love"" me is a catfish. The only person I have ever loved... is a fucking catfish. I have not had a relationship in 4 years. I have not been physical with anyone in 10. This was literally the closest thing I will ever get to a real relationship again.Why was I born? What good am I? Am I literally on this planet to entertain the more fortunate and provide their joke material? What is the point of it all? I do not provide anything to anyone or anything but myself and my dog (who seemingly hates me). All I do is consume and take. I will never get married. I will never give my parents grand children. I am going to die alone anyways..why should not I just skip the torture and end it now? I should just change my name to trash",Depression +48234,"❤️ This group makes me realize that we all suffer the human condition… Never feel alone, millions of people are going through the exact same thoughts as you. PLEASE do not feel like the odd one out. My moms dad and brother committed suicide… they missed out on kids, grandkids, weddings, holidays, family vacations, belly laughs, ect. Pain in life is guaranteed, but so are good moments. Everything, and I mean everything gets better in time, one day you will look back and the things that matter to you now won’t even cross your mind. You can and WILL get out of this dark hole. Be patient with yourself, forgive yourself. You can heal and your life can be better than what it is now ❤️ I know it does not seem like it, and I know you will roll your eyes, flip over in bed and indulge in your depression, but day by day it will lift. Get fresh air, feel the sunshine, sit by the beach or in nature. Talk to a loved one or friend. Write in a journal. Eat something you like and take a nice hot shower and put on your favorite show. Keep going",Depression +19061,I cannot go on. Not even my cries for help go noticed. I knew I was not and will never be good enough. 13 years have come to this.,Depression +13406,"its always about other people, its always about themselvesits always treating me like a nuisance or like I am not here, they always complaint about how I am in my room 90% of the day but they never care whyeverytime its just me doing something wrong or not being able to treat my emotionssometimes i just want to go away, sometimes i just want someone that understood how i feelit was not supposed to be like thisit was going to be so nice, we were going to have an amazing dinner, i was going to present my boyfriend to everyone and everything was finally going to be perfectinstead I am being yelled at, everything's my fault, and now I am stuck alone in my room againsometimes i just want to never wake up againi wish so much i had someone that loved me...just the thought of having someone that cares, someone that actually wants to talk to me, someone that does not leave me on the side, someone that helps me when I am sad, someome that understands me and cares about what i think...i...I have always loved the thought of not being alone anymore you know?, the idea of finally finding someone to talk about anything and everything with its just...its perfectsomeone that holds my face in his hands and i just...its magicalhim telling me he believes in me...i could die right then and there and I would die the happiest death in the universejust...waking up and not feeling like being alive is a mistake, sounds like paradiseinstead I am here...I am...alone...I am stuck, i do not know what to do, i do not know who to talk to, i do not know where to go, i do not knowmy friends keep telling me to wait, I have been waiting for years, everyday just trying to be better, trying to get by, but no matter what i just feel worse and worse and i do not know how much more i can go on anymore...i just do not want to be alone anymore please they never care",Depression +22196,I hate when people come around my house or call me I just want to be alone. I was having a good day but some one who makes me feel anxious came around and my mum keeps shouting at me for not going to talk to them.i feel really rude as well but i just cannot bring myself to go downstairs. i only want to talk with my school friends and I cannot wait to either kill myself or leave this house. I want to be left alone,Depression +38163,it wa in hope someone would come over she ghosted 0 minute after telling me she wa on her way to hang out it s been maybe hour i wa going to shrug it off but it only added to my low mood the last couple day i don t even know why i keep my hope up anymore,Depression +40758,clarseek hajji if you do it a a you be ready for whatever come out of it but you know the right thing look for someone dat is aa we don t want story lamentation grief pain depression later in life my prayer is that you avoid this silly act,Depression +9769,"I do not know how to start this but why do we keep on living? We work all day in school until we work for the rest of our life. Friends may stray away and not one person can please you your entire life. We will slowly see love ones go, there is nothing we can do about it so why do we keep going? No matter what you do in life it all ends the same way, you could be rich or poor, loving or cold so it seems like our choices do not matter. I have hardly a personality and little passion for anything so doing anything feels the same burn out cycle. I do not know what to do and need some help. I am scared",Depression +40630,imagine you have deep psychological issue stemming from year of abuse and depression and your therapist just start talking about how great communism is what is wrong with these people,Depression +17935,I was not like a crazy alcoholic or anything just partying with my friends too much to avoid my anxiety. I am turning 23 next week and I feel like such a loser. I am in college for 3D modelling and animation and live with my parents. This week the girl I was seeing ended it and I also got rejected for a job I really wanted after multiple interviews. I have plenty of friends but I just feel more lonely around them. All I do is exercise to cope but I get home and feel like dying.Sorry this rant is all over the place just needed to like SAY IT such a shitty first week of sobriety,Depression +8898,"For the last few weeks, I have been struggling to get out of bed for a reason too even occasionally skipping breakfast. Been annoyed by others for a small reason like the way they breathe or walk to the point I lie to people who know me just to avoid being near them. I do not like getting out anymore because I now spend my time looking at people and wondering why I do not come out as normal when I do the same as them and the paranoia of them looking at me makes me want to be angered to the point of a migraine. Have been treating people I do not know with hostel words and actions because I believe I am more physically capable to hurt them or that the consequences are not enough for me to care. Have acted in blatant predatory and manipulative behavior. we are I fallow people in public from inside stores to parks to their cars I do not even know why. I had been dragged out to a party with my cousin and he told me that he had been threatened by another guy there. Said it got to the point he was scared he would be hurt and asked me to help. I then spent the next two hours going to his bothers car, Walmart to get a bat, and followed him home. I parked a block away and walked by the trees with the bat at hand. He then got out so walked after got close enough that I whistled and busted his knee and ankle and ran like hell. The only problem is that I like to much. Been so used to my mother and others telling me what to do that I struggle to get things done to the point where I keep making my personality up as I go to make myself normal since I was told by my teachers and parent. Always hated everyone else since I was a kid only having friends knowing that if I do not I would have either kind myself or someone else out of the hated I get, filling myself with distractions to avoid myself. I am starting to break and all these lies of morality, fake friendships, and saying I am ok even tho I want to bash a skull is too much to handle I am on the edge of freaking out and self hated and honestly a little scared just need suggestions. I want to yell but cannot",Depression +40263,i do not want to wake up tomorrow,Depression +17158,"my english 10 teacher during my sophomore year of high school one time she smacked her butt in front of the class (she told the class not to report her), she pretended to hit on a classmate and would give the class naughty looks.during my junior year my us history teacher was a narcissist. she thinks people with depression or having a hard time are wanting attention, she thinks knows them but she does not. she smiles if people got mad, it looked narcissistic. she pulled me out of the room and threatened to call my mom for disrespecting her but i was sticking up for a classmate who did nothing wrong, she yelled at him. i feel bad for anyone who has to deal with her. she denied me a piece of candy for being scared when she approached me. i was the shy emo kid (i still am emo, but not shy) in my school. she wanted students to bottle up their emotions and not get things off their chest to anyone. she kicked out students for petty reasons. i hated her. one i day, this take place the day after i missed the bus after school. i told her i missed the bus home and she said could take me home. one time my she whispered in my science teacher's ear while she and her were smiling at me. one time i told my us history i missed the bus the previous day i told her it came back to get me, she said to me she could have taken me home (made me feel uncomfortable).during my senior year of high school. i had an english teacher who said she was teasing me (made me feel uncomfortable). she called me a nickname (she did a lot of times) i did not like, one day i ignored her and she threatened to call my mom, i got mad, and she kicked me out of the class, she said she called me the name because she was teasing me. whenever i told her asl teacher was not a good teacher (its true she was not good), she would tell me to stop complaining saying I am just exaggerating, so i stopped venting to her. however she did hand out candy every friday (probably as a bribe)which teacher was the worst? Weird Teachers i had in high school",Depression +23130,"I fell in love with my best friend and she ended up leaving meSince she left me, almost everything got worse in my lifeI'm done meeting new people, they only hurt but it also sucks to be lonelyI do not have the energy to do anyfuckingthinganyway, have a great day mate I regret meeting her",Depression +41097,two nfts worth 0k now worth 00 i m slowing sliding into depression,Depression +37855,i feel hopeless like time is passing by and i m just here useless like nothing i do or say can change a goddamn thing i m tired of feeling this way but a soon a i get close to getting out of this hole something reel me right back in i don t have anyone to share these thought with so here i am i feel stupid for even posting how i feel like i should have someone to spill this to but i don t stupid pathetic worthless it s all that defines how i feel,Depression +21343,"I have lost motivation for just about everything. Anything seems like a chore to do. I do not eat because it seems like a waste of time. I do not cry because I just do not want to deal with that. My life has evolved into total apathy. Hell, my nieces came over recently and I love them with all my heart but I could not even be bothered with getting out of bed. it is strange though, even though everything seems like a waste of time and not worth the effort, I do not really want to commit suicide. I guess total apathy has it is upsides. But I have barely left my bed for the past 4 months and I no longer keep in touch with my friends. The lies I have to make up to keep everyone from worrying are starting to collapse on themselves. And yet, I am not worrying about them whatsoever. I think I am hopelessly lost. Honestly? I think I have hit the rockiest of rock bottoms.",Depression +13053,"This week has been a hard week my depression getting worse day by day. I look at happy people and it makes me feel more worthless ""why cannot i be like them"" . even eating feels like a hike up a freaking mountain. i wake up numb , somedays all i can do is cry . my intrusive thoughts are suffocating.... why cannot i just be happy like other people..... creeping",Depression +39737,i struggled with suicidal thought around year ago i m being treated for my cptsd and since then id been doing better but for some reason these past few week the thought have come back theyre le frequent but they re there im not going to do it i just want them to stop i dont want to feel like this again,Depression +26426,"See this as a call for help, a last resort, or simply a rant, but I do not want to get better anymore. it is been more than a year, I have been feeling anxious, sad, lonely, angry, hopeless, lost every single month, day, hour, minute ,second of my existence. I have tried a hundred times to get back up, work on myself, change my perspective, change my outlook on life. I tried everything from medications, journals, meditation, sleep meditation, positive affirmations, making small and big changes in my life, counting positive things, adding positive things, meeting and talking to people, my family, a doctor, several doctors, taking several medications, but this is it now. I am sorry to say but if that many attempts to get better do not work, then this is just not for me. This life is not for me. I refuse to live feeling this much amount of sadness every single day of my life, I refuse to try to find small things to live for everyday, I cannot do this anymore. Please do not even start your comment by telling me how brave I am or that things will get better or that you are proud of me for making it till here and that you think I can go on, please do not. No, you cannot be proud of me because you have not physically seen me break down and cut my skin and write a suicide note to my friends and family, you have not seen me, you do not know me, please do not patronize me. I am done, this is it this is the last straw, I do not want this life, I do not want a job a family a career, I do not want this life. Why should I continue to live? Huh? For my family? For my friends? For myself? I do not love myself enough to live for myself let alone do it for other people. Why should I continue? No, things will not get better, please for fucks sake do not tell me they will. it is been a year, maybe more, no it does not get better. No, I do not get stronger, if I were stronger I would not be here giving up, no it does not change no it is not a phase no "" it shall not pass "" no no no no no no. This is it this is life this is pain and trauma and hurt and sadness and loneliness and anger and nothing different than death except that you get to feel all this. I would rather chose death, I want death I want to die I do not want to live and I cannot stop saying it enough and in a few days, when I have paid my dues, I will leave to a place I have been longing for all this time. Hate this life. Hate myself. Calling it quits. I do not want to get better anymore",Depression +26200,I do not even know who 'myself' is anymore. As a kid I was able just to 'be' and people who liked me liked me and those who did not did not and I never really questioned it. Now it feels like I am constantly overthinking things - whether I am being too needy or not giving enough attention. it is all so overwhelming. I am constantly insecure and so demotivated.I literally do not enjoy anything. Depression makes me feel unable to be myself,Depression +47127,"Feel like a loser because of how broke I am at almost 30 years old I'm 28 right now and I graduated from college in the Fall 2017 with a bachelors degree in psychology and after realizing I wasn't going to do much with that degree as I've completely lost interest in that field. Since 2018, I have been working as a part-time student advisor making less than $20k annually as I was very undecided about the direction my life was going to go and it was like this for 2 years until I decided to return to college to take prerequisite courses for graduate school so that I can get into a data science graduate program. + +I'm currently in my program right now and I have been keeping a 4.0 GPA and this gives me a lot of hope but I've noticed that some of my friends (including my love interest) make much more money than I do and have their own places. My love interest told me that I will eventually get out of my situation and we still had very passionate sex when I last visited him and we exchanged our gratitudes for each. + +But its like, I'm very disappointed at myself for allowing myself to be where I am today. If I had known from the beginning just how much my socioeconomic status would affect my prospective friendships/relationships, I would have taken things more seriously and considered a field that was more lucrative when I was an undergrad.",Depression +41165,mizzzidc imagine making sacrifice just to raise a child and said child flip up at you like this because of a sneaker she s gon na get back an average parent might go into depression,Depression +10507,"Hey r/depression. Back to vent here once again. I went through a stretch where I have been doing better at handling my emotions via a few methods like taking a quick second to think of 5 things I can see, 4 I can hear, etc. (its crazy how much that is helped me in day to day life), but I have recently fallen back into patterns of negative thinking that are becoming increasingly debilitating. Whenever I am talking in a large group of people, a good example of this kind of situation would be eating dinner with coworkers, friends, etc., I find myself fading. I think the proper term for this phenomenon I am trying to describe is depersonalization, but I find that fading describes the feeling much more accurately. Ill be talking with someone one second and the next its like I have become more focused on my thoughts than the conversation and thus stop processing the words I am hearing, like I am just zoning out. Big deal right? Everyone does that. The strange part is that I am not even thinking when I fade, I just feel numb. The words I hear start sounding like a foreign language and I have existential feeling as if I am playing a game and the person in front of me does not actually exist. Everything just turns to shapes and noise. Like the world around me is literally blurring and fading away in front of me. Its hard to describe, but there is almost a feeling of fear that washes over me when I fade. Its scary to feel and recognize yourself slipping away. Eventually I just come back and ask the person I am with what they just said to me, but its very jarring whenever this randomly happens. (I say random, but these fading events are usually preceded by negative thoughts) It all just feels fuzzy.",Depression +47701,"going back to school i dropped out of high school, let me explain. + +when i was a freshman covid happened and i did online school up until i was a sophomore. Then schools switched back in person but i’ve always struggled with it, i’d get bullied, my friends would ignore me, and i’d just be alone all the time, the teachers hardly helped me, they always favor the popular kids. It’s not their fault. + +i tried a program for my junior year, they said they’d help me get the credits i needed. It was all online, at first it was okay, but after a month they dropped the bomb. I got a bunch of homework that was due within a week, then they wanted to do a test that was a huge factor in my grade and they wanted me to turn on my camera and answer every and any questions they had, and based on that they would give me my grade. It gave me bad anxiety, i wasn’t learning anything, the whole thing was just “do this do that” so i gave up. + +since then i’ve been thinking of getting my GED, my oldest sister got her GED, my friends brother got his GED, so maybe i can get mine? But i’m scared to go back into any sort of school setting, my anxiety was so bad in high school i couldn’t walk alone in the hallways, i felt like everyone was judging me or laughing at me. I could never make it to class even if i did i’d end up leaving. + +There’s a online option for getting my GED but i’m scared it’ll just be like that program i did and i won’t get any help, that i’ll just leave it again and never finish my school. But if i do in person i might have a breakdown, or disappoint my parents again, i hate that look in their eyes when they found out i had given up on school, like i’m a disappointment. + +what do i do, i feel hopeless. i wish covid hadn’t had happened, maybe i would’ve pushed myself to stay at that school + +if you’ve gotten your GED or have info on it or advice please please please tell me",Depression +16497,"Happy my whole life, could always see the beauty in things, that ended months ago but it lasted so long. Anyone ever found their way back? Not okay anymore",Depression +38109,currently facing lot of family problem my mental health is really suffering i dont know what to do i am in high school i dont think i am able to study more because of my family s financial problem also i dont have any true friend so i did not share my feeling and situation to anyone please help anyone,Depression +21132,"This post is not going to be about my vivid and memorable bad experiences, instead it is going to be more general; but if you want to learn about my current mental health status, read this post, it will be helpful: [ So, as I remember, it is going to be my second post in here; I just hope that I will not be ignored again, as just like the first post... As the title goes on, I especially hate my generation; not because I feel different from them, just because they are so cruel, shameful, and disgusting; as I see more hateful things done by people, from this generation, I just want to take my local gun and put a bullet in my head; I am a sensitive person, and I have situationally both predisposed and bound or cued panic attacks; I am being affected so much by tragic deaths, broken relationships, unexpected depressing messages, and much more crisis triggering things... I will give you a current example of me being in depression, feeling low, and why; there is a known event going on these days, a crime which happened two years ago has just went popular on social media again, it is going to be her death anniversary on ""**14th**"" of this month; shortly, just after two days; I do not want to give out more details about the murder because I feel bad and uncomfortable with it, and I will explain the connection between my sadness and this event. On her ""**Instagram**"" account, there is a picture posted two years ago today; and when I went to the comment sections, of all posts, they were just so many disgusting and hateful comments; there were people telling that she deserved it, and some of them also making fun of her death; and another strange thing was, there were so many people from my country flooding the comment sections, which is so goddamn strange; and yeah, some of them were trying to be like the other foreign people and making hateful comments, and the other half was just acting like they have known the event for a long time; after seeing those things, I once again, hated world and especially my countries people, then I learned that the people from my country were coming from **TikTok**, and from a recent popular hashtag in my country; I feel so bad and sad that they are people out there, using these types of events to receive more likes and followers, to receive more attention; and yeah, do not you ever ask me again why I hate social media so much, especially **TikTok**. I got affected by the event so much; and those comments, they was the spice of the thing; now I am feeling so damn low that I just want to end myself, I am done with everything, I just want to go and stab the murderer in the neck so many times; my anger about this type of events are just uncountabl, and because of my character and psychological personality, I always blame myself for such things and hate myself because I am not or were not able to do anything; like, I do not even want to continue to this article, I just feel low and do not want to type things on the keyboard... You got the point; this event was just an example, and the fact that I have much more things going on on my life right now; I am not suicidal, but I will not hesitate if I get a chance to end myself too... No matter if or how you just want to reach out, I will both answer to all of your comments and DM's; please do not hesitate to ask such things, they can be related to anything, I would love to answer your questions and clean up those question marks; and also, please do not also hesitate to share your thoughts, completely... My only wish is, just do not be too offensive; thanks. The world is a bad, disgusting, and a hateful place; I want to end myself just because of this...",Depression +48241,Feeling depressed and sad.. currently in the military stationed overseas…. it’s the weekend and i don’t have much planned except HW. i think staying in the barracks is what makes me even more depressed but today just feels super ehhh…. i’m in a LDR and i won’t be home for another 80 days with seems so far away. i just miss my family and friends and wish i could be home with everyone i know and love.,Depression +21837,"Os ltimos trs dias eu ando sentindo uma bad to profunda e eu no entendo, eu no tenho motivos pra estar triste eu deveria estar sorrindo mas no estou e isso me deixa mais triste. Eu sinto um vazio to grande no peito que me falta ar pra respirar, eu no sei oq eu fao, s consigo pensar them uma nica soluo, toda vez que me deito no consigo dormir, a mente cheia de pensamentos que no me do um minuto de paz e olha eu aqui escrevendo pro nada e pensando them tudo, tenho uma dor enorme guardada e eu no consigo dividir isso com ningum, eu at tento, grito por ajuda mas ningum percebe o sorriso na minha cara no e mais verdadeiro e eu quero que fosse como antes, tenho pensado demais e isso t me corroendo por dentro, no sei quanto tempo eu aguento mas as coisas no melhoram, passo dias sem comer pois no sei oq eu sinto, no sei diferenciar fome da solido, tenho chorado demais, todos os dias pra ser exato, me olho no espelho e no gosto do que vejo a expresso de um rosto sem esperana me deixa ainda mais angustiado, espero que tudo se resolva, espero que seja logo.... Ou ser tarde demais para mimHj foi um dia tedioso, no tinha oq fazer s queria conversar com ela mas parece que ela no queria falar comigo, eu no entendo o pq disso me abalar tanto ao ponto de me deixar triste e pra baixo, no era para as coisas serem assim. A cada dia que passa me sinto trocado, mas a real que eu nunca fui escolhido ento no faz diferena. O pior que eu no sei pq ela no fala comigo e minha cabea agitada no me deixa dormir them paz, mais um dia que eu no consigo dormir pensando nela, antes fossem coisas boas, mas esse sentimento de perder algo que eu nunca tive me destri por dentro. Pensei que era recproco essa necessidade um do outro, mas parece que eu no a cativei ainda e ela deve me enxergar como qualquer outro garoto.Mais um dia que no consigo dormir, pensar na vida tira meu sono, pensar nela tira meu sono, pensar them mim tira meu sono ento por que eu penso, hoje entrei them completo vazio existencial, pq as pessoas se aproximam de mim sendo que eu no sou suficiente nem pra mim mesmo. Eu tento disfarar que estou bem mas no estou a cada dia que passa eu me afastou de mim mesmo, j no sei o que estou me tornando, as vezes no silncio da noite quando estou apenas comigo mesmo penso no por que de eu ainda estar vivo, me fizeram uma pergunta uma vez "" o que te faz feliz?"" E o engraado que at hj eu no descobri, at hj eu no sei o motivo que me faz sair da cama todos os dias, o motivo pelo qual eu estaria disposto a morrer. E eu sinto que se uma pessoa ainda no descobriu pelo qu morreria, ela ainda no est pronta para viver e nesse pensamento eu no me vejo mais entre os vivos, talvez seja uma forma de acabar com meu sofrimento, sofrimento pelo qual eu no sei o motivo mas ele s vem e vem causando uma dor tremenda no meu peito, as minhas expectativas de que as coisas iam melhorar diminuem a cada dia que passa, o pior que ainda tem ela, que me faz bem porm eu no sei se eu seria capaz de ama-la j que nem mesmo me amo.Eu no sei se eu vou ler isso daqui uns dias ou meses ou at msm anos(provavelmente no) eu percebi que o que me fazia feliz hoje j no faz, as coisas que me fazem sentir vivo j no existem, o meu ponto de escape foi tirado de mim e eu percebi que no consigo ser feliz, mais um dia eu me sinto triste sem saber o por qu, mais um dia que eu choro sem ter por que chorar, eu sinto minha vida se esvaindo aos poucos, me sinto cada dia mais morto e at que isso tudo acabe eu j terei dado um fim, eu definitivamente estou me esgotando psicologicamente e isso t sendo muito rpido eu j no sinto graa them fazer as coisas que fazia antes, no tenho com quem desabafar(at tenho mas me falta coragem pra falar) percebo que tenho problemas demais, porm todos temos problemas e se eu dividir isso com algum eu posso estar incomodando. Por isso eu falo comigo mesmo o que chega ser deprimente, pois minha companhia pssima. Se eu tiver lendo isso eu s queria dizer o quo vc forte, por mais que no parea vc t aguentando tudo isso sozinho e calado, o que errado da sua parte mas vc no tem outra opo. Me disseram uma vez que chorar lava a alma e talvez elas estejam erradas pq eu tenho chorado demais e me sinto cada vez mais sujo, no de corpo mas de alma, t sendo um peso pra mim e esse peso t me sufocando eu no me sinto amado, no me sinto vivo e muito menos querido....C estou eu, 3 meses desde a ltima vez, talvez eu esteja mais perto do que nunca, faltam 7 dias pra me decidir se vivo ou se morro, agr so 1:03 da manh, no paro de pensar them cortar os meus pulsos e s morrer, eu estou com isso them mente, hj eu descobri que no posso ter o amor da minha vida e percebi que tenho sentimentos demais por ela, mas isso me deixa to mal, talvez deva fazer como van Gogh e tomar tinta amarela, vai me dar a iluso que estou feliz e vai me matar aos poucos. As vezes eu penso se ela fez pra me magoar ou foi apenas coincidncia, mas acredito que todo mundo tem um lado e como um cientista disse uma vez ""se algo pode dar errado, vai dar errado"" (bom ele no disse assim com essas palavras, mas foi mais ou menos isso) . engraado por que eu dessa vez estou me sentindo com medo do que uma pessoa pode fazer, eu simplesmente quero morrer pra no ter que ver ou aceitar o fato que eu no posso ter tudo que eu quero. Acho que vou morrer them breve e tudo que eu fiz nesse tempo foi chorar e chorar. Uma vez eu li que ""Quem decide morrer no o faz por falta de amor vida, mas porque o sofrimento se tornou insuportvel"" e essa frase me faz refletir, pq eu tenho medo do sofrimento que vai vir e como escapatria morrer seria uma forma de no sofrer ele depois. Eu no consigo fechar os olhos sem pensar nela conversando com ele, eu nunca senti essa mistura de dio e medo. Mas eu no tenho coragem de me matar, mas quero muito morrer. SLA ESCREVI ISSO UNS DIAS A",Depression +40731,over year my ex husband waited to find out if this wa going to court in the process he lost his business his taxi licence and his home he began suffering from severe anxiety and depression and needed medication to help him get from one day to the next,Depression +10905,"I am bipolar 2, and currently manic. I honestly feel that everyone would be better off without me. Someone give me a reason not to hurt myself.. Falling apart",Depression +27241,"I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was about 13 years old and I am now 21. For the majority of the past 8 years I never really struggled with showering or brushing my teeth etc. however, over the past year I have been severely struggling with caring for myself. COVID had just started taking over the world and I found out that my family was moving to a different city... I think both of those things really messed me up. I stopped caring about my diet and gained a bunch of weight (I am working on losing that weight now which will hopefully improve some things for me), i feel like I do not have the energy to clean myself and I just feel like shit all the time. In 2019 I was the happiest I have ever been I loved the way I looked, I loved the way I treated myself and how I could do things for myself, I got into an awesome relationship and things were just amazing. Now I can barely step outside my apartment and just stay in bed all day. After a year of being stuck like this and reflecting on my past, I am ready to start pulling myself out of this slump and try to get things backs on track for myself. I am open to any advice or helpful tips!!! I struggle to care for myself",Depression +39508,ok going to start with i had originally posted this on a different account but i don t really want this to be traced back to me from anyone i may potentially know who may stumble upon that other account there s way too much that i could say so i will just say a few thing i think i ve been suffering from anxiety for a long time and it s pretty crippling to my social interaction and the choice i make i miss out on a lot of stuff because of it and tend to have self destructive behavior when i make friend i have this problem where i feel like oversharing because someone is actually listening to me but due to some thing lately i ve started putting up more wall i joke around a lot and tease to distract from people actually knowing me because i think that people knowing me is really scary i ve been closing my circle and any time i speak to people i m just overwhelmingly anxious i fear that i ll say something that will make people start disliking me or finding me annoying i work at a customer service place and i get really anxious when customer start asking question i don t know the answer to or get even remotely frustrated with me i also get really anxious when a bigger group of customer come in and it just feel really embarrassing i have a really hard time with phone call too it really stress me out when i have to call someone or talk to like authority figure on the phone i wish i could be able to fix it and make it easier to leave my house or message people etc i just want to be able to exist without being afraid you know,Depression +17127,"I am leaning towards getting some alcohol tonight which sucks because I am 17 days off which is the longest I have gone on my own volition (in rehab I had 50 days) in probably 2-3 years. 31 y/o really trying to turn my life around here. But tonight is just so hard. I had a terrible day, I am so stressed about money and my life and I am probably going to sell my car next week. A hug would be nice but I do not have anyone so a drug will have to do. I do not want to feel the emotion",Depression +25957,"I have been on these two medications (in addition to a low dose of seroquel for sleep) for a little over two months. I have noticed an improvement in my anxiety and overall emotion regulation. I am still depressed but not sad if that makes sense? I have all the physical symptoms of depression still (lethargy, brain fog, apathy) but I am not as emotional as I used to be. I am experiencing brain fog badly right now. I cannot finish homework. I can hardly get it started. I feel outside of myself. The brain fog is significantly worse than before I started these medications.**Has anyone tried this combination of medication and experienced this? What was your experience like? Any additional medications help? I feel like I have improved significantly but this brain fog is way too much. I am not sure if changing medications is something I want to pursue. tldr; what is your experience with lexapro, Wellbutrin and brain fog? Any additional medications help? How do you overcome brain fog? Lexapro and Wellbutrin brain fog? Help",Depression +25073,"I am struggling quite a bit at the moment, emotions are all over the place I have not gone a day without crying recently or feeling like no one would give a shit if I was not around anymore. I have a partner who knows I am struggling but I can see them tiring of my bad moods and emotions and desperately wants me to seek professional help. I finally rang a therapist to seek help and they cannot see me for another 2 months which is pretty much standard for most mental health professionals where I am. My family is probably the worst part of all of this I work with them and they know I am mentally ill but I feel like I am invisible. None of them ask me if I am ok or if I want to talk or even just listen they act as if I am making up all these problems in my own head out of jealously. I have expressed suicidal thoughts that have gone ignored. I feel like I am constantly making an effort for them but they never make an effort for me, they did not even ask me to do anything for my birthday but had a big family dinner this week for my sisters birthday which made me feel like everything I think about myself not being worthy is true. I feel like I am not worth the effort and that I am just going through the motions of life without actually enjoying anything. How do you go about feeling better when help feels so far away Feeling invisible",Depression +8275,What would it be? I think mine would be *suffocating* If you could describe your depression in a word or two..,Depression +38999,i m i want to look for a job that would be good for someone with anxiety i struggle with anxiety which isn t even bad it s the symptom like blushing and sweating that i absolutely hate i feel like right now it s easy to find a job but i m just worried about it making my anxiety symptom worse and people noticing,Depression +12832,"My depression has been really bad lately. For the first time it is gotten to the point where even I acknowledge that I physically cannot make myself do even the most basic self care tasks. Like my ADHD has cost me to forget about brushing my teeth or my hair or taking a shower for extended periods of time. But currently I look at my sheets brush and I know I should brush my teeth and I feel bad about it and I beat myself up over it and then I turn away from it. it is too big of a task. I told myself I needed a shower tonight, a real shower where I thoroughly wash my body and my hair. I have been sitting in cold draining water four roughly 2 hours. I have yet to pick up the soap or even submerge my whole body. I am now cold and there is but an inch of water in the tub, I am trying to convince myself that the only way I can get up and get to my bed and if I wash myself first. But lying naked cold and damp in a cramped bathtub sounds more doable/more appealing to my depressed mind. Depressed. I do not fucking know what to put here.",Depression +18833,"The past month I am trying really hard to get my shit together. Its slow going, but I am trying and of course my depression is not making it easy. But I started to eat a lot better and I gained weight (I was very underweight) so that is a win at least lolIm struggling a bit with personal hygiene. I have no problem with taking showers, but often I skip brushing my teeth, especially at night when I have 0 energy. I am also struggling to keep things clean.Does anyone have any tips on how to be consistent? What works for you? Any tips on how to function normally? Or at least be consistent with personal hygiene?",Depression +11020,"Recently, I was forced to leave my year old semi feral cats as I relocated to a new area, and the poor, skittish creatures could not handle the change. So they stayed while I moved to my new place. I have been a wreck since then. Almost everything in my life reminds me of them. I miss them unbearably and do not know how to cope. I have been crying throughout the days and I just do not want to do anything other than either cry or hug my cats somehow. They were my closest companions in the lonely post pandemic world. I cannot even fully express my feelings to anyone in real life because they will all make fun of me. I am in so much pain right now, worried sick about my cats who keep crying for me, I have been told. This is terrible. Being forced to leave my cats has triggered a downward mental health spiral",Depression +16759,"Misplaced guilt, but still not a great feeling. I have been trying to avoid reddit lately because it just is not a lot of fun the way I use it. Would be better if I could somehow meet people through this, but something about meeting people online just weirds me out a bit. Not because I think I will meet weirdos, more that it is just hard to believe that anyone will care about me. I feel like I really do not have a lot to offer. And with ""internet friends"" (not that I have ever really had any), it seems like it would be too easy for either of us to ghost, and I would never see them again. If it was someone who lived in my city in australia, who could actually be a real-life friend, that would be something. I mean I would still worry about being too depressed to be worth it.And to be honest, making friends is not really a priority for me until I find a partner. But anyway.I have this throwaway account and a regular one. I do not know what is up with the reddit notification system, but I just scrolled back through out of boredom, and between both accounts I have like 4 messages from people. All from like a year ago. Some of them were answering me responding to their r4r post. Girls my age who might have been something for me.I did not see any of those fucking messages and I feel awful about it. I could have been happier by now. I could have met someone. Guilt about social avoidance",Depression +16392,"Feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this past week. The past 8-9 months I have been so fucking depressed. It began with moving to a new city hoping it would be a 'new start' and a change of pace. But ever since I have moved, I have felt isolated like I have never felt before. I do not understand the people in this new city. The job that got me to move has been unbearably frustrating and has some what put a hold on me life. How? I do not even know. I do not have friends or family here. I have never been so isolated in a crowd of people. I do not even enjoy been up during the day. And the worst issue is, I do not know how to talk to my family about things that are stressing me out. The rage, frustration and loneliness is all bottled up inside and I do not know how to deal with it. The one thing I could always rely on to help with my depression is the main thing causing my depression. Honestly do not know how to deal with it anymore. If anyone has suggests, that would be greatly appreciated. cannot seem to catch a break.",Depression +21656,I come home from a weekend spending it with my best friends then as soon as I go home reality of sad and depressing feelings kick in ans its hard to cope I just want to go back and stay there but I know they need space to so its hard to know what to do and its not like I just be like I miss you can I come back cos I feel as if I get way to much on peoples nerves by just existing around them I feel so alone at home with parents,Depression +25132,"Does anyone else get sudden shifts in mood? Though I am depressed most of the day, I have had a few instances where I go from feeling ok to extremely depressed and sick within a matter of seconds. This is probably something more serious despite my clean MRI, but was wondering if anyone else experienced it by chance. Sudden mood drops?",Depression +10910,So basically me and my ex broke up in December 2019 she was cheated on me when dad was in hospital with cancer and yesterday was first time since the break up I have seen her all these emotions came back all the good times and I know I do not want to be with her its just spiraled myself back to January 2020 when I attempted my own life and cannot tell new girlfriend how I am feeling think she would take it wrong way and I do love this new girl we have moved into together and have a cat just cannot ask anyone who knows situation without them been unbiased Need some unbiased opinion,Depression +17443,"I am just going to go ahead and embarrass myself off the bat and let you all know I cried at the end of the empathy and sympathy video from the rules. I just signed up for Reddit not long ago and it makes me feel welcome and safe. that is when I started searching for this sub.I had no idea that there were two people most of the time that recognized your problems: the empath and the sympath. I 100% believe I am an empathetic person. When I tell people that I understand what they feel, I can literally feel it. I make other peoples problems my problems. I decide Okay this person is clearly over barren with their difficulties that if maybe I just take a little weight off of their shoulders, they could breathe. After all, I would want someone to do that for me.People can never really reciprocate the feelings correctly. I know that sounds odd. There are no wrong ways to feel, but something about the demeanor of those i help really tears me down. I am slowly giving, giving, giving until I am all out.I can tell that recently my depression is worsening. I cannot tell if it is a hormonal wave, but it is so extreme. I have not showered in like two and a half days. But its been longer before. I am trying to find my footing, but I can feel myself mentally drift. Just a morning or two ago I was incredibly happy I stayed up all night just to clean the house for my mom. She is a handful another post for later. My mom now is so cruel and treats me no less than a cleaning lady. I had a relationship with her when I was smaller, but she tries to get me to hang out with her, I never stay long. Everyone I have ever met loves my mom. The only people who really know what is going on is my boyfriend and my dad. We label her as narcissistic because I did not recognize she was so mean because I was so used to it. Today, I was crying for many reasons. First it was because my anxiety was bad and I did not really have anyone to talk to. Then, it was because I felt guilty that I accidentally kept my exs pictures in the My Eyes Only section of snapchat (my boyfriend did not care as long as I deleted them). I think I might be bipolar. I feel like I am blowing things out of proportion when I say that, but I might need to be reevaluated. By a psychologist, not a therapist that will befriend my mom and become BFFS WITH. I played myself and lied to her the entire time I was her client. I was already diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was taking lexapro, but stopped because I started taking a whole 20 mg pill that was supposed to be cut in half. My dumbass. But when I took it consistently 3 weeks in a row in rehab, I hated how it trapped me in my own brain. This post was very hard to make and I do not think I can retype it if it gets taken down bc its unfocused. I am so sorry. I do not care if you leave advice or not for me, as long as you read my post. All I wanted was to be heard because I could not express my true self. If you need more context, please just ask. I am sorry, again for my ADD rambling. I know there are some major things I am leaving out. I am such a fucking crybaby.",Depression +14761,"So I just dropped my BF (31) off at the hospital this morning for the first time ever. He had an attempted suicide in the night by taking extra antidepressants when he woke up in the middle of the night. Hes been open with me about being depressed and has been good about taking his medication. The whole situation was scary. I called in sick right away to spend the day with him which is when he proceeded to tell me why he was upset and what happened in the middle of the night while I slept. When we got to emerg I was told I could not go in with him, so I waited in the car. They got him in quickly and I was being updated as they slowly took everything away from him and he spoke with medical people. Then they took his phone and it hit me like a tone of bricks. I had no idea anything that was happening and I was just trusting these people. Covid fucking sucks! I wanted to be there ask the doctors what is happening what hes allowed or not. I wanted to bring him a snack when he was hungry. All I could do was hold on tight to my phone for the day and hope I would hear from him. I have received 2 calls from him now. I know a bit more but I am still on edge. Any significant others on here that have some advice for how to do this? I am just very scared, but logically I know hes in a safe space. First hospital visit",Depression +47618,"I feel like I'm in a room between rooms I'm going to start dissociating soon. I can tell when it's about to happen. + +I feel like I only exist for other people's benefit. I'm just a paycheck for my partner. I'm just someone who takes the kids out on the weekend or helps put them to bed at night. I'm just there to help and then when I'm done helping I need to shut the fuck up and go away and stop being needy and annoying. + +Nobody has time for me. Nobody gives a damn what I want. But everyone needs me to exist. + +Is it worth living when you have nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to? + +I'm just existing for the sake of existing. I'd rather not exist anymore. My feelings are not severely painful by any measure, but they are constant and gnawing. It's this constant low level pain that is grind me down. It's hard to describe. It's boredom and loneliness and resentment mixed in with regret at all the choices I've made that lead me to this point in my life.",Depression +38835,sorry if this is the wrong place but i couldnt think where else to ask lol this is a uk based question i got prescribed med during a phone appointment the other day when they said they would send the prescription in the post i thought they might mean the medication itself and wa kind of surprised but now i think they just meant i d get sent the prescription form in an envelope bc that s what s arrived but they didn t say anything about what to do with it or where to take it i ve only ever been handed a prescription in person with instruction of which pharmacy to collect from and am kind of clueless right now ha anybody had this happen or know what to do can i just take it to any pharmacy,Depression +10774,"And I do not know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I am here.I have no idea why I posed this. Sometimes I think my heart beats fast and hard when I am depressed or in a panic attack as to remind me that even though I feel dead inside, I am still very much alive.",Depression +40514,neymar messi et pogba ont fini en d pression le ravage du foot business,Depression +47334,Wasted 12 years of my life in depression. I m just a loser in life right now. I m 25 going to be 26 in some months and i haven't achieved anything in life right now. I feel like I m good for nothing. I lost all my hope to do anything better for me. I am avoiding everyone and staying isolated. I feel like i can't fit with them. What shall I do? I m a loser,Depression +38584,i hate life today that s it that s the post,Depression +38260,i m sorry sometimes i don t feel much i wish i did i wish i wa better for you i wish i could always try my hardest and make thing better i wish i wasn t bad i d do anything to make myself better for you i m sorry i ve cried more than i d like and felt a lot lately i wish i could feel a lot a lot of the time i truly am sorry,Depression +39641,everyday is just grey i can only rot in bed all day nothing and no one can help it s over it s just over i give up i can t handle this anymore,Depression +38907,for the past couple of month i have been feeling really cold my throat and my esophagus down to the center of my chest ha started feeling icy like i just drank a really cold glass of water but that feeling stay all the time i am a yr old female and don t have a history of debilitating anxiety or any anxiety at all but i have just recently had a few fuck ups at work and maybe it s anxiety i feel like when i calm down i still have that cold feeling sometimes though so i m not sure if that s a common feeling with anxiety or not ha anyone else had this if not i want i look elsewhere for the cause thank you in advance,Depression +10977,"I do not know why I feel like I need to please almost everyone in my life. I do not remember the last time I woke up without feeling anxious. I do not know why must I feel tired everyday. I do not remember the last time I ever felt truly happy and content. I am almost 28 yet I still suck so bad at adulting. I do not know how to be strong, confident, and to be able to defend myself. I do not know why I feel like I am always falling behind everyone. I do not know why I feel so stupid. I cannot even communicate properly and express how I truly feel. I do not know why I feel so lonely. I do not know why my Mom has turned out to be that way. I do not know why I like to pretend that everything is okay. I do not know why I have all these feelings.Will I ever be able to hold on much longer in this life? I am a ball of mess",Depression +40653,letsinorollz ivy nkk ignore consistent behaviour that spiral her back to depression no guy mental health first idc,Depression +13429,"I am so tired of everything, the whole day at work I wished I was dead and I wanted to just jump in front of the cars. I wish I could just disappear. I have had enough. No treatment is helping me Tired",Depression +40759,badood sash 009 9 jimmythomist vaushv lauren southern depression,Depression +22174,"Got into a car accident in march and it was my fault and I am dealing with a lot of repercussions from that currently and I have like 0 money to take care of it. My car got totalled in the process and the other person ended up with a dent, and I feel like that is lightweight my entire life. My dad died in 2017 from lung cancer(28 days before my 18th birthday), and he struggled with addiction so we were never close. I lived with my mom until I turned 18 and she also struggled with addiction, which lead to her leaving and not talking to me for 2 years, and she ended up living with me for a year in 2019-2020 and her and her boyfriend moved out to be homeless and now they are living out of a motel. it will be a month since she last contacted me which is fine, I have no desire to talk to her or anyone that does not care about me or how their actions affect other people. Idk, I have been dealing with a lot for a long time now between childhood trauma and adult life being garbage, and I kind of just want to give up I guess. I have no support besides my boyfriend who I am so thankful for, and my friend who I am also so thankful for. I just do not think I was made for this life, and I do not think I ever will be. I know it could be a lot worse too, so I try not to think of my struggles as the end of the world but also its been hard as fuck to just let everything slide past me for so long with this mindset, and I just want some goddamn compassion or some sort of break for all the shit I have had to put up with, and i thought trying to be a good person and doing good things and following my moral code despite growing up around dysfunctional adults would give me some sort of good karma. It has not, but it makes me feel a little better to see other people happy, so there is that. Idk you all thanks for reading my vent post and i hope your lives get easier too. Life is Lame",Depression +21190,I cannot take this anymore. I am sorry but I have nothing else where I can write. I just want an end to this endless pain please it is just too much,Depression +26632,"I lost all of my hobbies and passions, I do not have a job, I am failing school (for the second year in a row), and I do not have any friends IRL or online. Most of my time I spend it staring at a screen, wondering what is wrong with me.I cannot draw, or write, or play video games, or even brush my goddamn teeth. I cannot do anything, I cannot even talk to people who are not my partner. Every conversation is painful, my hobbies feel like chores, there is nothing I want to do. You could give me everything I ever wanted and I would be as unhappy.Is there a way out? Is there anything I can do to make it stop?I feel like I have tried everything: meds, journaling, therapy, reaching out, even attempting, and every single time I end up in the same place. Lonely, pained, bored.I have a good life, why cannot I be happy? I have plenty of reasons to be, just please let me be happy. what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I am so ungrateful, so worthless, always wasting, always losing.I just want to be content with myself, do things that I enjoy, take care of myself, and have goals. Why is that so hard? Aimless, hopeless",Depression +7122,I did not fricking ask to be born but yet I have no choice but to live in a society that forces all its goddamn expectations on me as if they still get to fucking control my life to contribute to the community like just fuck that shit you do not give me a choice except to live with those accusations every time I fail to meet your useless expectations I am just sick of it all Expectations are bullshit,Depression +23853,"Got a 9 to 5 job, why? Because of my poor family wanted me to. I cannot do the things I liked and I always care about other people opinion and stuff. One single piece of opinion will let me overthink for weeks. it is like injecting a poison that have it is painful effect every time whenever I try to work.I never do things for myself, I did not have time to work out, I cannot have my needs, I always do stuff for other people and for myself.I do not know what to do, everybody else college life sounds so simple and life free. Meanwhile me is taking job that I had no friend and always dealing with problemsWhether is the job or my family that have been so life consuming.I am just....tired I realized I am doing everything I can to satisfy others' needs, but not myself.",Depression +14606,"I went through depression for about a year or longer, it started before covid and got worse. My family convinced me to move closer them and it has helped get me out of the fog tremendously. I decided to go back to therapy and I started doing activities that I like and exercising, hanging with friends and family and I have gotten a lot better where I feel super motivated, positive, and like the possibilities for my life are endless. I have always been a bubbly energetic person so depression really hit me hard and since getting better I have just told myself I never want to feel like that again.It was just another normal day and idk why but all of a sudden it felt like my heart sank and I felt that hopeless depressed feeling like when I was at my lowest. It was so random. And I am sorry I do not want to minimize depression at all like that since I am not that aware of others experience. I just know that was the worst I ever felt in my life but I know that I barely dipped my toes in it as I know others go through it much worse. I actively tried to do something to snap out of it and eventually I did but I just thought it was so weird. It felt like how I felt before but someone elses feelings because it hit me so randomly. Could it be that it was a phantom feeling. Idk if this happens?? Is phantom depression a thing?",Depression +7051,"I have a good life if you were to look at me from the outside, but I am rarely ever happy. I have noticed lately, that when I am on social media and see something not ideal or bad happen to someone (unplanned pregnancy, breakups, etc.) I get a good feeling. Of course, there are some instances where I am happy for family members and friends who have positive things happen to them, but if its someone who has either ignored me (especially if the opposite sex), I get an especiallyyy good feeling when I see bad shit happen to them. I really want to work on this, but it is not something that I have dealt with much beforeand it makes me feel like just a bad person at the end of the day. Any thoughts or similar experiences dealing with this? Thanks. Is this Normal?",Depression +19335,"I just thought about this today. I think life is beautiful. But I am wasting it. I wish I was somebody who was not like that. I want to enjoy this amazing universe, but I am too lazy. I am not meant for it. I do not really want to die. I want to be reborn as someone worth it. Reincarnated if you will.",Depression +19717,"Any suggestions for this? My depression comes in waves, but even on days that feel bearable I am just so fucking tired. Coffee just makes me anxious, and not exactly productive. My sleep at night is fine. I could sleep all day if I wanted, though. Any thoughts? What do you do? Tired every day",Depression +39602,i extremely hate this day it reminds me that nobody care about me if i had died no one would even noticed people my age are getting married strenghtenning friendship bond having the time of their life i have nobody to talk to friend i once had stopped replying to my text i planned comiting suicide two year ago but the pandemic happened i imagined myself standing in the middle of a bridge and jumping through a barricade while cry and listening to johny cash hurt i am so lonely i overwork myself to forget that i have nobody and i will never have i will spend my birthday the same a for couple last year i am going to cry,Depression +38941,i know i ve already started this off pretty negative but i acknowledge that over the year i ve made a lot of progress with social anxiety i do thing now that i never thought i d be able to do presentation networking event planning hosting party however every time i do any of these thing or even small thing like having to run a work meeting i feel physically anxious my heart pound and i start doubting myself and my hand shake and i have to push through it because there s not usually another option i ve gotten better at it for sure and i m proud of that but sometimes it really just chip away at me i m about to cry tonight over something so minuscule that i ll probably look back on it in a few week and say wow that wa a dumb thing to worry about because that is what always happens i ve probably wasted day of my life just worrying about thing that didn t end up being worthy of that much worry i overthink thing so much and i just wish i could turn it off so badly to so many people now i appear to be this leader that ha shit together but in reality i struggle quietly with the most basic thing and i just feel so embarrassed sometimes i just wish i could turn off the social anxiety it get so frustrating,Depression +37746,hi idk if anyone will comment and thats okay i just need to talk or something since i m just so tired of my thought and just this worthless feeling i have all the time dealing with depression is no joke and being in a small town suck more since there not many resource or help for me i ve gotten a little help here and there but have just fallen back to being in my room isolating myself i have suicidal thought quite often and worry i might act on them not soon mind you just scared of myself i think of plan on how i could do it i ve written letter directed towards family member and friend before though i keep them to myself i ve self harmed before but haven t for quite sometime though i worry i may resort to that again i really just want help but i have no idea how i can even get it anyhow i thank anyone for reading if you did i don t have a lot of hope left but i guess i m still alive so yeah,Depression +23453,"for those of you who use alcohol to cope, how well does it work and maybe what are some pros and cons? alcohol?",Depression +21205,"I have hit another low point in life again and i now have to start taking my antidepressants again after I quit since Jan this year. I forgot how the side effects always kick in hardest when you first start it. I have not slept for the past 2 days at all, feeling hungry and restless and I am so fucking tired. I am a student too, and it makes it so hard for me to focus on work (both at home and in school)I just wished I did not let myself get to this state again. I wish that I could have realised earlier that I had only been coping with my issues, not healing from them :/ restarting on antidepressants again and it sucks",Depression +47233,"Here comes the low... Was in a good mood today and I feel it dissipating, I’m terrified of going back down into that pit. There’s no hope down there, only agony and self hatred. + +Why can’t I escape this? Why does my past always drive me to feeling suicidal?",Depression +20642,"Title sums it up. I have not made it into work and I called in sick. The truth is that I am really struggling mentally at the moment but I did not say that when I called. Feeling really guilty and that I am lying to everyone. I work really hard at my job (healthcare professional) and I really do not want my colleagues knowing I am depressed, suicidal and struggling. The guilt is all consuming though. Just not sure what to do. Feeling guilty about lying",Depression +26007,"My anxiety and depression have set me back enormously in life since it started and I have been bleeding away since, academically, socially and romantically, I have tried therapy but it just does not work for me, i believe it is going to be genetic, as there is history in both sides of my family, and the worst part is that my peers are slowly pulling away and it is so frustrating because it is an illness that is stopping me, an illness we have no strong cure for and slowly chips away at me.Just wanted to vent Setting me back",Depression +13056,"She always makes me want to cut then tells me if I cut she is going to, she is two months cut free and idk what to do I just need some advice Idk the point",Depression +24633,"Hello! I am a 21-year-old male. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last November. I thought I was getting better because of meds and monthly visits to a therapist. But lately, it is really difficult for me to put effort and patience into the things I like, that is why I feel that I am not achieving anything in my life.Currently, I have no motivation to get out of my bed and try new things. I really want to start filmmaking, but I am so impatient to learn. I also want to exercise, but it is too hard for me to begin.I feel like I am not growing. I am stuck at rock bottom. To be honest, I am so pressured to be good at something always because I feel like I am running behind. I cannot stop comparing myself to others because some of my peers are already successful.Most of the time, I feel so dumb too. it is difficult for me to learn and remember things. I am also having a hard time building an opinion. I feel like I do not have enough skills to have a successful career. there is A Lot Wrong with Me that is Hard to Change",Depression +18307,Been out of the psych ward for like 2 or 3 weeks and the suicidal thoughts are back already. I hate this I feel like I am relapsing,Depression +24510,"I have been alone for a long time. do not have any siblings or extended family, just my mom and dad. Everyone else is dead or out of my life. I think during my childhood was the only time I ever had real friends around me that genuinely cared. But when I was 11 we moved to a brand new country, so I had to leave all of those friendships behind. I have not been able to make a single genuine bond since, just some ""friends"" you joke around with sometimes, hang out, grab drinks. I put ""friends"" in quotation marks because none of them really care all that much. They never ask how I am, say they missed me, or show interest in me or my life in general. And I am pretty sure if I went missing today, they would not even notice.Anyway, I stay at a flat with 6 other people. Amongst them is a girl around my age. I was too shy to ever go up and talk to her but I have always found her very attractive. One day she came up to me and added me to a group chat where we could organise stuff to do with all the other flatmates, or just talk about things in general (or complain when someone did not wash their dishes or something).Anyway, it slowly blossomed into a friendship between me and her. We understood each other, we got along, we talked, we even started relying on each other for emotional support sometimes. It got to the point where she would come to my room almost every day and we would just talk about anything, stay up all night and watch movies. She bowled her eyes out next to me watching Princess Kaguya. It was great. For a while I completely forgot that I was alone. She started becoming the person I looked forward to seeing. She filled that gap for me. I guess as a result of that it was inevitable that this infatuation would turn into romantic interest on my end. But she did not return my feelings, and now she is seeing someone else. I tried to be respectful about it, I told her that I would probably find it a bit hard to stay friends (and I do not feel bad for saying that as it is the honest truth) and I have been distancing myself to give her space.But now I am alone again. Her life is going on like nothing ever happened, because she never needed me in the first place. I was the one that needed her. I keep checking my phone every day, thinking maybe she will reach out to me eventually, maybe our friendship did mean more to her and she misses me. But every day that goes by confirms to that it is not true. So now I am alone. Being alone before sucked. It was painful. But I was also used to it, it is all I knew, so I learned to cope. Now that I have had a taste of what real friendship - what love feels like. I cannot go back anymore. It hurts too much.it is impacting every aspect of my life. I am not eating properly. I stopped going to work. I am not finding fun or enjoyment in the things I used to. I do not know what to do or how much longer I can go on.I just wish my family did not love me so much. Then there would be nothing stopping me, nobody I would hurt by ending it all So tired if being alone",Depression +47462,"Why am I struggling to take my meds I’ve had depression for years and after turning 18 I finally got on medication for it. +I never reacted well to therapy nor can I afford it. The medicine is cheaper and much more effective. Much better than someone telling me I’ll be ok, when I’m obviously not. + +I chose the prescription. I chose to get on this medication. And it’s helping. + +So why am I struggling to take it? I don’t understand.",Depression +40188,i m 9 year old and i have been depressed and lonely since i wa i have had some ups and some people that i connected with over the year but i have lost them all or wa betrayed by them i don t know how to talk with other people even people who have similar interest to me and i always think i make everyone feel awkward when they are around me or that i m imposing myself on them every month i tell myself that thing will get better and sometimes they do but then i lose what made me happy and everything else go wrong too it s been year of telling myself that thing will get better only to have them turn worse and i m so tired of it i am really afraid of death and i realize that i don t want my life to end i just want another life but suicide is starting to sound like the most bearable option,Depression +38742,so i know i shouldn t because everyone experience anxiety differently but my social anxiety really hinders my ability to socialize and a a result i really can not currently build up the courage to have even basic social interaction sometimes i hear very popular people with ton of friend say that they have social anxiety or have no friend and it just make me angry inside or social medium influencers it s like i m mad because my social anxiety hinders me from doing what they do,Depression +23405,"Hi,I am a 28 year old (she will of a) man from the UK suffering with **severe** depression and most likely an undiagnosed mental illness!I entered such a dark corner of my mind that I tried to take my own life in 2016 and I lost my bottle at the very last moment, now I am what I call, stuck alive.I saw the potential effects that my suicide would have had, everyone told me how upset they were and how distraught they would be if i died.I also remember being distraught, distraught that I had lost my bottle and been saved, distraught that I had woken up in the nightmare I tried to escape from.Ever since that day, I have been stuck alive, too depressed and suicidal to achieve anything, believe anything, want anything, feel anything... Angry at myself and everyone else that I am not dead and do not have the bottle to end it, my step brother died a couple of years ago from an accidental recreational drug overdose and I wished it was me, he was only 18! Why is the world so cruel?This of course highlighted again how devastating a death in the family would be.Each day that passes I slip deeper and deeper into despair, I know this is happening I just cannot stop it, meanwhile my partner of 13 years has become a full-time alcoholic that blames me for every problem she has within herself, I am open-minded, but something tells me if she left me she would quickly discover these kind of problems are rampant within people our age.I am struggling to see the point anymore, pre-pandemic I was doing my dream job, still wanted to kill myself but found myself being too busy to even think about it that much... It was more of an inconvenient intrusive thought at that stage.We scraped our way through doing any work that was available, being mistreated at each company of course, I fear the mental scars that my partner and I now both have on top of our pre-existing issues is just too much to return to normality.She is pressuring me to have a child, people our age tend to feel like we are failing due to seeing previous generations achieve things that are 10x harder for us to facilitate, like providing security and stability for a child!I am receiving professional help, albeit very slowly via the NHS but the poor buggers are overrun as usual and things do not move quickly at all, I am wondering if other people can relate to this permanent lust for what is quite simply a smidge of happiness, I have never felt joy or pride or love and that is all I have ever wanted, I do not need money I just want fulfillment, I just want to wake up in the morning with no immediate desire to die!Let me know if you relate, I seem to feel better hearing other people relate to me otherwise I convince myself I am the problem! Maybe I am??? Am I Dead?",Depression +13269,"There is nothing physically wrong with me. I am not sick. My diet is fine. I exercise and hydrate. I have noticed that the nausea is worse when I am feeling more depressed though. It makes it so hard to do anything. I am home from work today and I have so much I need to do, but every time I stand up I feel sick. I just keep laying down. And that makes me feel worse because I feel like I am just lazy and cannot accomplish anything. I am pretty much always nauseous now",Depression +13863,"everything i do feels wrong, like i feel dumb or unwanted. even the little things like replying to someone mid conversation. i feel so fucking stupid. Overthinking.",Depression +17449,"I have fought and battled with depression majority of my life, but in May my best friend and fianc of two years both died(separate incidents) and my life has fallen apart. I no longer go to the gym, I lie around in the dark and silence of my apartment, and bawl my eyes out as soon as my tear ducts are ready for another round. My heart is shattered and my spirit with it. Is there any hope at this point? What can be done? I am Struggling Enough",Depression +16005,"How far grom truth is statement that depression is half caused by biological problem and half caused by psychological problem. People meme about eating a lot when depressed, especially ice cream and junk food and it is known that those types of food produce some kibd of serotonin for the body. Biological or psychologic problem",Depression +26262,I am sure most people of been alone At one point or another in their lives. I am sure some even have been physically I am all for great spans of time. I doubt if folks really know true misery of the heart being alone in your whole life that is something I cannot even find the words for. IdkIm soo tired. So tired people of pretending to give a fuck. Spitting meaningless words that are as empty as their souls. I am tried of being hated by my own household for something I had on control over. I am tried of being punished for a crime I do not not commit. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am of being judged the one let in close. I am tried of being lied to by them as well. I am tired of being treated as disposable.I am tired of life. Is it so wrong to want to close my eyes. There is not a single soul that was would lose a single night of sleep. I am soo tired of what I feel. I am just so tired of life. Alone,Depression +47816,"I can’t stop crying tonight. It’s both cathartic and kind of annoying. There’s really not a tangible reason for it. I’m not upset about any one thing. It’s more just a general feeling of frustration at myself, I guess. It doesn’t help that my stomach was bothering me all night even after I took the medicine that usually helps that. I don’t know. It’s just annoying.",Depression +23915,"Still live with my parents, still a minor yeah. Not for long though, wish I could cherish my youth for what its worth since I never really got to get out of the house much or have anything closely resembling a healthy functioning friendship. Just overcontrolling and overbearing parents with shit abusive colleagues. Parents left for a business trip, 'bout a week. Two days ago, was melding over my dwindling sanity and the increasing gaps in my memory. I cannot remember shit about any traumatic events I may or may not have had in the past, so it is quite depressing to think that maybe they just never happened in the first place. I have no real reason to be depressed so it is quite likely that I am just doing all of this for the attention. At least that is what I have been told. Cracked out alcohol, since I cannot cry. have not been able to cry for a very long while. Parents used to beat me for crying, colleagues used to beat me as well. School when I was younger was shit, used to get beaten up a lot. Broke my nose twice, a few other bones in my body. Belittled and broken down so fucking much it bled straight through to the point where I had a decent sized portion of my adolescence where I was obsessed with the idea of transitioning to abandon my entire previous personality and set of memories since I could not cope with them anymore. Still fucks me over to this day, and although I might have found a balance for a ""softer guy"" type personality it still does not play well at times. Right, sidetracking. Alcohol. Thought it might help me unbottle some emotion to the point where it overflowed and I might cry again. have not eaten anything proper for months now, usually just half a meal a day, (Think a sandwich, maybe two on a good day), so the alcohol kicked in really quickly. Sisters were going to be back so I counteracted with around 7-8 espressos in a large mug. Looking back that was probably a bad idea. I never got around to crying. Instead, sitting on bathroom tile for hours on end, I just took more and more aspirin with ibuprofen to get around to finally biting the dust. I have been trying for *years* now, it just never really worked out since the probability of a proper death and not just oh-great-i-fucking-survived-and-now-my-parents-are-going to-ship-me-to-a-monastary type lifestyle, but then I just could not give less of a fuck. Necked down 6-7 aspirin and 25 ibuprofen when a really bad habit kicked in. I tend to cut myself. Right around my thigh, so that it is easier to hide. Usually I just cut once twice, never revisiting the same wound but goddamn this time I was persistent. Cut the same area multiple times till I hit the femoral artery. Alcohol, ib, aspirin, and caffeine make for one hell of a whack combo, and then I was bleeding out to death as well. Over the course of the next few hours I proceeded to loose a lot of blood. Funny how the only time I am ever smart and live up to the expectations others have of me is when I am trying to kill myself. I have no idea how much, but I had a really fucking bad fever, tremors, and a few others but I have no idea what happened after I got in bed. Bled through the damn mattress, and the only thing that saved my life was a belt and some salt. Strapped it so tightly around my leg I have no idea why I stopped the bleeding, I do not remember 80% of the shit that happened two days ago, as usual, but the thing that was the scariest was the relentless sense of loneliness. it is why I am here now, two days later. Alone in a dark room, desperately calling every number in the contact book to see if someone will pick up, someone to save me from the same nightmare, but no one is there. I am all alone. I know I deserve it, but it is still scary. After all this time, years on end of loneliness I still cannot get over it. I would say I am a kid at heart but after the things I have done in the past the guilt just will not let go. All I know is that life is fucking scary, man. I apologize for the mega-condensed version of this. Yes this is on a new account, I do not want people in my personal life knowing what the fuck is going on. If I managed to do one thing right, it was hide this whole fucked incident from my sisters and brother-in-law without them guessing what the fuck was going on. I did not touch on some of the finer stuff but I suppose that is to be clarified later. I also know there is a decent chance this will get removed, to which I tell the moderators that it is pretty understandable. Whatever happens typing this out helped me a little at least. Depression, Amnesia and Death, oh my.",Depression +14407,I am in so much fucking pain I just wish I could die my life gets more painful every day dying is more realistic than my dreams My life just gets worse,Depression +40000,it s been a lot of stress past the last three year i feel like i can t take it anymore i m too anti social i can t talk to anyone i just start shaking and can t say a word and then this feeling of embarrassment will haunt me for the rest of the day no one want to talk with me i feel like i shouldn t be here like i m a burden to everyone i have to hold my emotion inside never letting them out and this is killing me i ve been cry for the last few day i feel so pathetic am i the problem i am so lost,Depression +21237,Anyone just find no interest in anything at all? No interest in Anything? Sports are stupid. Hobbies are stupid.,Depression +18363,"I am sure if this is the right sub for assistance. I just googled it and i am low on time. She has been bombarding me with texts and i have been careful in the response , incase i do not fuck it up. I am just worried she does not do anything stupid . Advice on how to respond and other help i can offer from a distance. A part of her [texts]( for context. One of my depressed friend who lives in another city is having a psychotic event right now . I am getting worried about the type of texts she is sending.",Depression +38822,like the title say i m doing bad at work i work a a claim adjuster for a big insurance company and i m really bad at it the job requires a tremendous amount of organization and i just simply do not have those skill it s my first big job out of college and i m failing it embarrassing and it s crushing my confidence i constantly worry about my job security being this anxious all the time is making me run out of steam quickly i find it hard to even force myself to look for another job bc of the little free time i get and how tired i am at the end of the day i feel like a burden to my parent and girlfriend because i constantly vent break down to them i did start seeing a therapist recently and he s helped but it feel like it build up a lot until i get to talk it out with him what trigged me to write this today is i made another fuck up at work and had to tell my bos she s extremely nice but had to be honest with me that my performance could result in corrective action i know that doesn t mean termination exactly but that is definitely on the table i have so many case and i just know there s at least a couple more fuck ups in there that i haven t found yet i feel like it s inevitable that i get let go and i m just not prepared to deal with the embarrassment of it it s eating at me,Depression +39685,i highly expect to get a lot of pushback on this one but hear me out for year i ve been in a horrible mental space with no hope of getting out the way i see it i never consented to being here i no longer desire to live on this planet and i m scared to do the deed myself a far a i m concerned either my mom or dad should be required to take me out since they re the one who brought me into this world fin,Depression +17943,I get pretty bad mania when i drink and am on lexapro. Its starting to affect my life negatively now so I am interested if its a side effect of mixing them or just bipolar disorder. Do you get manic episodes from mixing ssris and alcohol?,Depression +41486,helpsophia mein bahut depression mein hun maam for money plz give me 0k i will return u your money in few month plz mam,Depression +12608,"I filled my summer with a 9-5 internship, I exhaust myself during the day and I spend the rest of my time playing video games until I am tired enough to sleep, but as soon as I have just 5 minutes for myself I have a breakdown. When is this going to end. When escapism is not enough anymore",Depression +39051,so a few week ago i landed a new job in a multimedia job that installs the run of the mill thing acoutics audio video lighting network electrical engineering you name it the interview process wa a pretty straightforward and laid back interview and i got the job my first project wa to create a d acoustical model of a church based on blueprint the thing is i never read a arch blueprint in my life and this is the first time so seeing all the different symbol number and whatnot are scaring the hell out of me the employee here are willing to train me however looking at all the diagram and what not i feel intimidated i don t feel cut out for the job i feel afraid at the lack of thing i don t know i m not sure what to do any help,Depression +10670,"Hi, I am a female in my mid 20's, I have been struggling with depression most of my life but did not really aknowledge it until my teen years. I do not know how severe my depression is but what I do know is that it keeps getting worse. I lack interest in everything I do and most of the stuff I want to do I put them off and get bumed when I do not do it. I have thought of suicide in my teen years, I tried to act on it once but did not go through it, right now this thought is way more present each day. I feel that one day when I am alone and depressed I might act on it, I am just tired of this feeling that nothing is worth it, that I am wasting my life just being sad. I am going to therapy, have 6 months in therapy now but I feel nothing is working, I have tried to be more positive, I just feel so damn alone and that the only way to stop this feeling is finishing my life. I know I have a lot of people that loves and cherish me but something is missing. This gets worse every day",Depression +8648,Life sucks.nothing to look forward to I am considering giving up,Depression +47736,"It's getting bad again Weird how spring is approaching quickly, yet I can feel the darkness coming again. In the mornings, I wake up as late as possible, so I can spend the early hours in my bed, either unconscious or dreaming, without pain-- without the burden of reality. + +The rest of the day I spend in a haze of hating myself, escaping reality through videogames, and starving myself. Losing weight makes me feel good again: I deserve the feeling of an empty stomach, and at the same time, restricting my calories is the only thing that I can control in my life. + +These days, I'm very forgetful, too. I forget appointments and run late for the very few things I have left in my life. My family gets angry at me a lot, to them I am a nuisance. They don't understand why I am slacking. They don't know that I hate being alive, and their anger makes me want to end my consciousness even more. + +The evenings are the worst, though, because they are filled with regrets. I'm wasting time. I'm ruining my 20s. I'm isolating myself from the world and soon I won't have anyone left. But I cannot change. I'm powerless against the sadness. It doesn't feel like spring.",Depression +10155,Has anyone tried rexulti before? Question:,Depression +22449,"i ran alone.i live at the base of Mount Rainier in Washington State. it is only 6 miles from my house to Longmire. from Longmire, i ran to Paradise via trails.there were moments where i contemplated jumping. i nearly broke down. but i kept on running.families. couples. i think i only saw a few people by themselves. i always greeted everyone with smiles, stopped, and let them pass.it was beautiful today, but i honestly did not see it: [ was only 15+ miles. i stopped at Paradise for a bit. saw people having a good time. saw people coming down off of the mountain. laughter.i felt like complete shit. long distance-ish running on the Wonderland Trail",Depression +38631,i never talk about these thing but i m basically getting closer to suicide i ve already seriously tried it a few time and i m still waiting until my family is out of the city to get it right but i still feel sorry for my grandparent i know it s not so normal but sometimes not everyone can handle their problem especially if your parent don t support you in any way and even making thing go worse these last year i think i lost my personality and i went from being the energetic and sociable guy to just a passive and socially isolated one i tried to talk about it but my dad doesn t think depression is a serious stuff and my friend say everyone go through thing like that i mean doe everyone go trough this is this normal,Depression +23557,"So bit of background first, I am in my early 20s and diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder, I have been taking 40mg citalopram for the past 7 months. Before that I would been upped from 10mg - 20mg then 30mg-40mg 3 months prior to being on 40mg long term.I do not know where to begin honestly as there is alot i could talk about , i could go on for a while. So i just have one question really. Also kind of a vent but I will try and keep with it.So on and off since I was around 13/14 I have always fantasized my own death, like it was never a common occurrence in my mind but when it did prop up it would stuck for a while (usually from around to 1-2 weeks). At this time I would just think about if I did die, how people would react to it and if it would be worth it.This faded around 16 after I tried to take my own life and had only just started to get help as I had a myriad of things going on in my mind I just could not understand and it frustrated me. As soon as I started college a few months later I had dropped all the help I had been given and then just started to crumble and took to drinking and using drugs.When I inevitably left college after quiting my 2nd year towards the end due to an incident, my mental health went on a huge decline.Everyday I just feel like I am all out of energy, like my own body has given up. I think about past events constantly, wishing I could change them. How things could have been if I did not make one simple choice here and there. Just constant regret playing on a loop in my mind and it is just tormenting. This lead to me thinking about myself dying alot more than I have in the past. In the past 6 months alone it is just been constant, it burdens my mind daily no matter what I do. I cannot find joy in anything at the moment or even stick to a single thing and keep myself motivated as my mind always slips into grim thoughts no matter what.The enjoyment has been stripped from my life, right now it just feels like I am completely lost and idk what to do anymore. The days roll on without me even noticing anymore as I just cannot focus properly.I am getting professional help but I just feel like it is not working anymore, they just speak to me and it is just words that mean nothing really. I have kept to my medication and have tried to follow advice but all motivation is gone.I feel so lost rn, I have no direction. No goal, no motive. No anything really, I do not have a life as its just thoughts and nothing else. Idk what I am asking. Is it normal? Is there any advice you could give? How do I break the cycle of thoughts and just let myself be me, it is getting really hard to like keep having to deal with it day in and day out Question?",Depression +40111,i wish i succeeded those few year ago i wa so close but pussied out and hurt my neck pretty badly i wish i just kept up there for a few more minute then i wouldn t have had to deal with the absolute failure of a person that i am i want to end it i m useless and a horrible piece of shit i ve done some pretty bad shit and no matter how hard i try to fix thing to try and get my life together it just doesn t work i m now physically sick all the time in pain homeless and stuck in a fucking town i wish would burn to the ground i get bullied and mocked by the entire shitty as street i m in for being under a homeless organization for whole year i ve been begging for a house begging and begging asking for this asking for that can i please try and get this house no u can t can i please try and get this house no it all taken i ll never leave this hellhole i ll never get better nothing will ever get better so what s the actual point i m even too lazy to fucking kill myself even though i have the perfect plan grab my rope grab all my pill and favourite alcohol walk to the wood with my favorite stuffie and end it all by the place i felt peace for the first time i ll watch the water of the lake and then i ll finally be at peace and no more pain no more sorrow no more bullshit just nothing but no i m too tired to walk it i m too tired to write a letter i m too fucking tired to do it the reason why i haven t done it i need to take care of my boyfriend i don t care for anyone else because all of them are lying fuck but him i need to stay strong so he get a home so he can live happily but i don t know maybe my death can boost his chance of getting a better life it may hurt now but maybe my death will grab attention to him and then he ll get all the help he need might a well just got ta pick a date,Depression +22762,"Todays society truly sucks. Covid has infiltrated most of our current society, as well as climate change. We are ruining this planet and smashing it to pieces. Societally we are on the decline. People are getting less jobs, having less friends, less relationships, etc.I am sick of it and it makes me want to go back in time to another era Todays society sucks",Depression +40133,for anyone who s contacted the suicide help hotline ha it actually helped i don t think i ll make past this week although i have friend here for me and therapy i ve written all my goodbye and i m ready to do the deed a i ve got nothing left to lose any input is helpful,Depression +37710,there s this idea that people will say you can always count on me never bottle up your feeling share and you do that and everything will be alright the truth is that people will lose their respect for you they ll think of you a a problem and will just feel obligated of half assing some help not worth it i ll just suffer in silence ok,Depression +39055,hey there doe anyone here have this odd anxiety over commiting a crime and or lying when you infact don t whenever i get a call or letter i immidiately think i am in trouble and when i run into an issue that even remotely ha to do with official matter i am so anxious i might have accidently commit a crime it go so far that i start to convince myself i infact have commited crime when that isnt the case it might be a tad of imposter syndrome too example i worked a a freelance designer for a year jumped in when there wa a project i found interesting i did everything correctly etc after the project wa done i realized this sort of freelancing isn t what i wanted to do so i cancelled my status again i didnt know i cpuld just freeze it after having had only one client i again did everything a law demanded soon i wan na to apply for job in a different field game art and going through my document made the anxiety flare up again immidiately thought like you werent a real freelancer or only one client is shady af or in general just obsession about having commited a crime i have asked the literal tax office how i would go about cancelling since i figured it wasnt really my thing and if it is possible to start a freelance gig again after i officially cancelled my status for example a an artist they told me all i needed to know i did nothing wrong but there is this irration fear and voice that keep trying to convince me i have committed a crime and that is just one example sometimes i feel i stole my art i could draw it this exact moment with no bloody ref and my brain would tell me stole it i feel like i weaseled myself into uni and didnt really pas the test i dont know how to deal with this shite anymore is it this still anxiety or what oa that anyone can relate,Depression +7401,I could get out of bed. I could go to work. I could muster up a laugh when my coworker cracked a joke. Why does my brain flip a coin each morning about whether it will be easy or not? Days like today make me think there is hope but I am scared of tomorrow. Today was easy.,Depression +39243,i had to return a phone call from last week on an anxiety inducing topic i already have problem with talking on the phone i thought i d do it first thing in the morning and get on with my work but of course i had to leave voicemail and now i m waiting for the call back and i can t think about anything else i m going to take an ativan for the first time in about a month i m like a deer in the headlight at present,Depression +20728,I want to die been thinking about it a lot its nothing in my life going too bad at the moment but its just been a constant thought in my head. Id be playing videos games something I enjoy but the thought would come again and again idk,Depression +26793,"I have wanted to die almost every day for nearly a decade now. I thought it got easier with age, but now I am just more jaded. I have kept myself alive through misguided belief in silly obligations, but its getting harder to do that every day. I am ready to abandon my roommates with the added rent payment. Every time I feel like I am actually enjoying my life for a while, reality hits me like a ton of bricks as soon as its over. I threw a party yesterday, and it was really fun. I drove someone home this morning, and on my way back I had to pull over to stop myself from pulling the steering wheel. I had to sell my revolver, because I got drunk one night and decided Russian roulette was a good idea. Every single time I drive over a tall bridge, my first thought is is this tall enough to kill me quickly if I jumped? Its an uphill battle, and I know one day I am going to trip. I am so scared, and so alone. I feel like I am fated to take my own life",Depression +16094,"I feel like I have tried every medication over the years. I was on Zoloft for a literal decade and have only just weaned off it and went onto Wellbutrin. I am also on Lamictal to stabilize my moods. However the Wellbutrin, while it gives me energy is making me extremely short tempered and aggravated. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist in a couple days about adjusting my meds and might ask about a low dose of Zoloft along with the Wellbutrin, but I just really do not want to be on three different mood meds at the same time. Has anyone been in this situation- suggestions? Medication questions",Depression +23477,"I have had depression for around 9 months and I am tired of dealing with it, will this ever go away without meds, I have heard how bad anti depressants are. I do not think I can handle going through my whole life being depressed Is there any way of getting rid of depression",Depression +10056,"it is been 2,5 weeks since my boyfriend broke up with me. I know he still likes me, and I still like him. I just do not know it anymore. I thought he was the one, I really wanted to marry him. I miss him so much and I absolutely need him right now, but I am all alone. I have no friends, and the people I do occasionally talk to straight-up ignore my texts. I want him back, I want to marry him. I want to dance with him, I want to kiss him. I am so sad and I do not know if I can do it anymore. I honestly do not know it anymore",Depression +11523,"I am nothing. I have no hobbies, I have no skills, I have no interests, I have no personality, I have no friends, I have no future. I am nothing. I am nothing",Depression +13149,"I have been dealing with depression for the past almost 2 years pretty much. I have only been diagnosed with it for a month now since I started seeing a psychologist. In the first weeks I was starting to improve, but now I feel like its coming back. I feel like this is not working. I have been having a lack of passion for the stuff I used to enjoy, irritability, thoughts of: worthlessness, low self esteem,guilt, suicide. I had hope that this will help me, I have been putting efort into rebuilding my life but its just does not seem to work. All of this started from a toxic environment I was in 2018-2019, with my former best friend, who became the person that tormented me the most. I was beated, I was threatened with death multiple times and always tried to make me feel inferior. I broke all ties in late 2019. I still have nightmares of this guy punching me into a wall and choking the life out of me.I have no social life. With almost every friendship I had,it was one sided, due to the other person thinking I could be easily manipulated.I am genuinely scared of other people, there is always like a barrier between them and me.Genuinely fuck all of this, and I do not see any solution. Fuck this",Depression +14918,"My legs are sore lol but it is worth it. With all the stress during lockdown, losing my job, switching psychologists... let us just say jogging or working out was not exactly at the top of my priorities. But today, I finally did it, and I plan to go again at least 3 more times this week. Guys, remember, every little step counts. Every little bit of thing that may help, at least give it a shot. it is okay if you will fail at first. I wanted to start this again for at least 2 months, and today I finally had enough motivation. It takes a while, but you will get there. Just went jogging for the first time in the years!",Depression +20867,"Apologies for length. there is a *lot* to explain and I just.. need to vent, need a hug, and need someone to tell me things will be okay.I miss my friends ***so*** much.I met them a few years ago, when we started spending every Wednesday night at each others' places, seeing each others' faces, laughing, drinking, just.. basking in each others' warmth. And they made me feel that I was understood. That I finally had a space with them to be myself. They made me feel like I was *worth* something. Starting March of last year, we had to stop getting together for the then-foreseeable future, for obvious reasons. We still talked to each other every Weds night with voice chat, played games with each other, all of that. We did not stop being friends. Honestly, I do not know what shape I or they would be in if we had not had that solution. It was the best anyone could have done.But.. well.I do not.. love myself very much. Hardly at all, really.it is genetics. I have major depression and anxiety from my mom and dad. I have ASD (formerly Asperger's). And I have been told by my family that even very early on, I was withdrawn from and overwhelmed by the world. I had trouble trying to accomplish things, because I was convinced it would only end in failure.it is also trauma. My mother ran away from the family for a month or two when I was a toddler. Her emotions were unstable and I had to learn to walk on eggshells and preempt her anger or disappointment by treating her well. My dad struggled with alcoholism (though does not anymore) and got in accidents. My parents had lots of shouting matches. I was molested by two separate neighbors when I was 7 or 8. At 14 I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes after struggling with nausea, headaches, and spontaneous bedwetting (which certainly did not help my middle-schooler dignity) for months. Shortly after that diagnosis, my parents divorced. For years after, I had to act as their intermediary, which was extremely stressful since I feared both of them for different reasons. And so on. And so on. ^((For the record, my relationship with both of my parents is much,) *^(much)* ^(better today. they have owned up to their mistakes and are better people now.))I think all of that has taught me that I am not worth loving. That others matter more. That I am best served by making others happy.When my friends and I had to stop seeing each other, I did not lose them. But.. I think I did lose some parts of those relationships -- faces to read, positions relative to one another in physical space -- that provided me with a sense of worthiness and validation that I otherwise.. was not capable of providing myself.Over the course of Covid, we continued to have voice chats and play games together on Wednesday nights. But I began to act differently. I started going on about how lonely I was. Even right after those nights, on my private twt account (which they all followed), I made those sorts of comments. About how sad and hopeless I was. Almost as if I were accusing them of not doing enough, when in reality we were doing all we could and all we would ever agreed to do.When I saw them sometimes get together online without me, I reacted in similar ways. Even though some of them had been friends before I ever entered the picture. Even though their hanging out outside of the group's Wednesdays had nothing to do with excluding me and everything to do with them being good friends with each other.Throughout all of this, I was feeling down about my job. I would been there for more than six years, but my pay had hardly gotten any higher, and Covid reduced the in-office staff (which I was a part of) to a skeleton crew. I hardly spoke a word to anyone over the course of a day anymore, because there just were not many people to speak words to. I was losing motivation and hope.In April of this year, I applied for a new job that paid better and looked doable, and received a response and interview very quickly. This should have been a red flag, but I ended up accepting the role and giving my two weeks' notice.The week I was to start this new job, I had two more days at the old position to train my replacement. But.. I would never trained anyone before. And we did not have any training resources to speak of. And the senior staff were still almost never in. And my coworker very plainly stated that they did not want to help with the training. And after two hours with the new hire, I would exhausted what little I would been able to prepare. And I excused myself to the bathroom. And I excused myself from the building. And I had a panic attack up the car garage elevator. And I went home and tried to sleep and tried to ignore my phone and continued to panic.And then I started in the new job. And while I understood the role to be clerical, the first half of the day was warehouse work. And I was horrified that I would been placed in the wrong position. The second half of the day, once the financial controller was able to get away from their desk, was indeed training on the clerical role. But it was so nuanced, and touched on so many points so randomly.. and the building was scary, clearly built for a staff of a couple dozen but currently hosting only four, including the owner..For a week this carried on, and I panicked and had sobbing fits and thoughts of self-harm / s\*\*c\*de every single night. I would never experienced anything like it before.After that week, and after discussing it with friends and family.. I resigned. It was just affecting me so dramatically that continuing on was not an option.While this was going on, I asked my friends for support and advice, which they graciously gave me. But I was also.. up at odd hours, especially once I would resigned, continuing to panic. And I poked at my friends. Asked them for more attention and support than they would already given. More than they could reasonably give. I gave them stupid little updates on my state of mind. It was the sort of behavior I would been engaging in with them for a while now, amped up to 200.And it broke. And they told me how I was being. That I was triggering them with my behavior. That I was piling way, way too much onto them.And I felt awful. I would never meant to hurt them. They mattered so, so much to me, and I was being shitty. Emotionally manipulative. I think I loved myself so little that I was trying to get *all* of my validation and comfort from them, especially at my most desperate.. and a person cannot give that much to you. it is not physically or emotionally possible. So.. I spoke to them in voice chat. Apologized. They took my apology, and asked me to move on and be better.So. that is what I have been doing. I started therapy. Started learning to be more self-reliant. To love myself more, because I wanted to be a better friend, and because in the times I would not be able to receive love from them, I would be able to get it from *some*where. To not doubt myself so much. And, by extension, to not doubt my friends (and how their behavior was or was not connected to me / my self-worth) so much. To fight against intrusive thoughts of my worthlessness. To be my own friend.I have had some success. I have made some steps. I am proud of what I have accomplished, even if it is only been a short while. I am definitely in a better place than I was two or three months ago.But.I still miss my friends' faces and places and laughing and drinking and warmth. Because regardless of my own strength, they give me.. tons more. And because I love them and their personalities and just being with them and sharing with them.And recently two of them said they are going to be so busy these next two weeks that they will not even be able to voice chat like normal, and. I am just scared and lonely.And my birthday's at the end of the month, and I am worried I will be spending it alone. They all have spouses, but all I have got is me. And while I am more comfortable with that today, it is still.. not much yet. And I.. want to be happy. I want a happy birthday. I have been so sad with very little break for months and months now. I want my friends back. I want to be happy. And maybe it is childish but I just want someone to hug me and tell me it is going to be okay.If you have.. any kind words, or anything, I would really appreciate it. I really am doing better than I was, but that does not mean I do not stumble, and I am struggling right now.Regardless, thank you for reading all of this. Because of my behavior over the past year, it would not be right to bring up every detail of this with my friend group. But I still want someone to see it.Thank you. Struggling with Loneliness and Self-Love (cw: mention of sexual trauma)",Depression +39324,for some reason my life feel like i m stuck in the th circle of hell or something i don t know why i can t seem to hold grasp of anything positive i m year old i have a job i hate with a passion i m in school and almost have my degree but it s taken me year just for my aa i want to direct movie i feel like i can truly do whatever i want and live an amazing life but i can t seem to grasp it i know the work i have to put in but depression and thing in life keep holding me down i pray to god a lot for guidance and strength and sometimes thing seem so clear but other time everything slip through my finger and i m lost i know some might not be religious but i do believe in god i workout a lot i used to be obese i look completely different and have a lot of muscle but inside sometimes a lot of the time i feel invisible do i want to be seen maybe but more so i just want to be appreciated and i want a woman who love and appreciates me and i want a family i want a son and a daughter and i want to live a wholesome life and i want to live the purpose i know drive me i have a girlfriend she went into the army for the reserve and left in january it s march and i just watched her graduate basic training before she left thing were really great i prayed and prayed to have a woman like her in my life and it felt like god actually answered my prayer when i found out she wa going in the military it broke my heart because we had known each other for a month she decided to go into the reserve so she could come back and we could have a life however since she s been gone i can t shake this anxious feeling and i feel trapped and depressed my life is being held down and i am losing sight of myself i watch other people have kid and marriage and all my friend have kid now and it s something i ve always wanted since i wa young i don t know how to describe it but i m being trapped by thought of abandonment and her changing her feeling towards me and meeting someone new she s reassured me so many time so many that it s just redundant at this point i m not the man i wa when we met and i m so much le confident now and i m so scared of losing this girl i hate my life now and i ve contemplated suicide i feel so trapped by my emotion and anxiety and i can t seem to function right i don t want to go to work or eat or move or do anything i just want this to be over she will graduate tech school ait in two month and i will know if she stay with me but i m humiliated by this whole thing and for some reason thing in my life feel difficult my self esteem ha crashed and i can t think straight it not right and almost pitiful to think but others seem to have a good life with their spouse and i have nothing i know it s not the right way to think i had goal and step to get myself out of my crappy job and to live my dream but i can t reach any of them because of how held down i feel the advice i m asking for is what to do i m trying to have faith thing will work out with this girl but if they don t i m going to crash hard this will be the rd serious relationship i ve had potentially not work and i am so scared of my future and dying alone and i feel i have a good heart and am willing to put in the hard work for a relationship and to be the man a woman desire this woman is the first one i ve ever truly loved and i just feel so lost and like a child i m sure not many will read this because it s so long but i m just in a bad spot,Depression +8055,Where else would we be safely expressing and sharing our emotions? there is too much ignorance and too little empathy in this world. The internet truly is a blessingg,Depression +40818,im so badly trying not to let this depression sink it teeth into me,Depression +23486,"I know I have alot to do, but I know I am going to run out of steam as soon as I even imagine getting started n so I am just laying here with no action n my brain telling me I should be doing stuff. it is a crappy in between of not being productive but not relaxing either. Procrastinating??",Depression +38740,in high school i wa quiet mind my business didn t talk to many people i noticed that certain people just didn t like me one time a teacher moved a girl to sit next to me and she made this weird face like annoyed and when she sat next to me she wa slightly turned ti the direction i wasn t in and not facing straight another occasion i wa sitting in a table with other people and none of them would bother to talk to me even when i tried to make a convo or ask a question and one of them actually cut hair now and my brother and dad cut their hair with her and they re always saying she talk a lot etc she s friendly today i went to that place to cut my hair and she wa completely quiet just asked me what hair type i wanted and the price of the cut i didn t want to start a convo cause i knew that back then she wouldn t even want to talk i just feel like i have something that just make people dislike me for no reason,Depression +7454,"I have been fairly happy recently, a lot happier than I have been in a really long time. I do think my depression is greatly improving. But I still wish I could take a break from being me for a day. Like take a vacation from being trapped in my own body. Its just exhausting and I think I would like myself a lot more if I was not always around me. Does anyone else relate? I wish I could take a break from being myself for a day",Depression +10898,"I want to blame this on the whole covid situation.. Before covid I was almost never depressed, then from being at home 24/7 and less socializing I found I just started to become more depressed. It was not that bad until about 2 months ago, I started getting more panic attacks than usual, more anxious, feeling suicidal, my emotions have been everywhere and I feel like its starting to effect my relationship with my boyfriend. I am terrified I am going to go too far with being emotionally unstable that he will not want to be with me anymore. We live together (1.5 years) and both have been either unemployed (because of covid) or working from home, so were almost together 24/7. I am suppose to start full time in two weeks at my new job that is not at work from home so I am hoping that will help with my emotions.Also another reason why I might be more depressed.. about a year ago I quit my full time job since my boyfriend and I moved, it was a good paying job in my field, but I had to quit to move across Canada. This was for his job, which did not actually happen when we got their because of covid (It was for a coaching job). Today, A year later, we moved back to our hometown and my old manager said he would hire me back when they need people in my field. So if that could happen my emotions would be sorted out. Sorry if this is not really a post about depression, this whole year has just been making me depressed and sad.Has anyone else's depression gotten worse because of covid? Covid made my depression worse",Depression +20363,"Sometimes it feels like that is all it would take to make me give up and kill myself. Maybe two or three times a week I think ""I could kill myself today"" but I do not because I still have some good times every now and then and there are people around who love me. But I am impulsive and I hate myself so I do not think I would be able to resist the impulse if enough shit piled up. I do not want to commit suicide, I just want to be a normal person with emotional depth and the ability to relate to other people without having to fake it. Healthy, well-adjusted people see that shit coming from a mile away; they may give you the benefit of the doubt for a while but eventually they realize that there is something off about you and they distance themselves. I feel such an intense pressure to perform whenever I am with my friends so that they do not see how I really am. I am far enough into my adulthood now that I do not think I will ever change and I do not think there is any external force in the world that could make me change. I will never be stable, secure, and unafraid. I will always feel trapped and claustrophobic inside myself. I hate it. I am afraid of having one really bad day",Depression +37981,many time when i want to end the suffering i think of committing suicide or other method to alleviate the pain such a starting to smoke drink drug there are time that i think that one of these method can help me get through the bad moment i am going through but there is always something that in the end prevents me because deep down i know that none of that will help me and that i join it that i can continue fighting a i do and the day will come when i will be free,Depression +16529,I am gaming with my cousin every evening but hes is making fun off me and trashtalking me recently more and more Especially when others are around. I still like playing with him but his toxic behavior is mentally stressful for me. He also wint stop even if you tell him. I have nobody that will play all the games with me that he does so its a hard decision for me if I should leave or bear the trash talking. What do you think? Should I stop talking to my cousin?,Depression +37800,i feel like i can t get high enough to forget the shit that s happening in life rn i want to self harm so bad because i m so sad and idk what to do with myself and how i ve reacted to my relationship struggle,Depression +18656,this sounds terribly absurd. yet i cry everynight because of it. I have never paid much attention to my ethnicity until i started noticing that when people referred to asians they only meant the east asians. i feel disgusting and it leads to the point where i hurt myself because of it. i scream to the point where i cannot talk anymore and i just feel so worthless because of this. i feel as though i am a waste of life. i do not know what to do. i wish i was east asian. not southeast.,Depression +27299,"When I was not depressed I could walk into my home, work, or school and feel like I knew the people there. I was apart of a system and I felt valued. But recently things have just been so shitty, with covid-19 and everything. I have moved so much in 3 years and I feel so uncomfortable now with my surroundings, I want to move back to where I was born so I can be happy again. Even if I do not know anyone there I can still feel safe there.Problem is, rent is insanely expensive. I hate menial jobs in general because it rots my brain away, so I guess it is like. Thanks society and capitalism! Guess I was just built to fuck up in this world we live in today I remembered what it was like not to be depressed",Depression +14876,"I have felt worthless for years now because I cannot get things that everyone else do, no matter how hard I try I just cannot and it got worse almost 4 months ago when I was fired from my job, I have been trying to get a new one since then and I just keep getting rejected, no matter how much experience or knowledge I have they just never call back and today I was even told they were looking for better workers, I really do not know what else can I do and it makes me feel so angry with myself because I cannot get things as basic as a job, I feel like a waste of space. I am one step away from total depression",Depression +15151,"I am from a toxic complicated family. My parents are seperated/idk it is complicated. And they make fun of you that you want to kill yourself. Like when they saw me crying they say ""why are you crying? crybaby"" then they laugh at me. They also say mean things behind your back. So i once grabbed a knife then i tried to end my life, but I am scared to die. My depression says to kill myself, but I am scared to die.p.s. sorry for my english it is not my first languange. My anxiety is the only thing keeping me alive.",Depression +15094,"I am so fucking done. I do not like living, I never will, I just want the pain to fucking end and nothing ever helped. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandjxjsjjxjjcskkekckkcksk!!!!!! I am done",Depression +39035,i ve been feeling a lot and going through a lot for the past few week i can t talk to anyone i m emotionally and mentally drained i m not even diagnosed with anything but i feel like i m having anxiety and just want to be done with everything i sometimes feel like i just want to jump off our building or drown myself in the pool so that i wouldn t feel anything i m really scared i know what happened to me wa careless and full of stupidity i guess this is my karma just letting out a little bit i don t know who else to talk to i feel like i m dying inside i m afraid to go to the beach with my friend because i might do something really stupid i ve been cry and cry every night so that i could hide all my feeling but it s really killing me i want to get out of this situation but i can t escape i know i have to help myself but i can t do it there s no one else to blame but me i m so sorry for this i just have no one to talk to i don t want to be a burden to the people around me,Depression +16130,"Everyday I get more and more convinced that I simply was born for no reason, that I have been a loser since day 1Rn I just feel that I am unable to feel good or even just not miserable whatever I do to liveEveryone is better and more capableI know I do not have to compare to others but... I seriously feel like someone that cannot even achieve one little thing in his life without helpI cannot form good habits, I cannot maintain my health, I cannot keep the friendships I made in check, I cannot learn new things, I cannot even be a humanI am just trashLiteral human garbage that is only good for lying in bed and barely communicateI just wish I had a little gift for something, because I am so lost without oneI feel it is already too late to save this life from being fully miserableI am so worried about what is to come, because, I cannot even shine a little in the one thing I enjoyed doing Why am I here? Was I just, meant to be nothing at all?",Depression +15792,but its making me feel worse. I do not have any energy to do things but not doing them makes me feel useless. I do not even really have anything to do. I feel like I am stuck in an endless cycle. I feel empty. there is just a void there. it feels like there is a physical weight on my body and everything feels heavy. i love mornings but i cannot stop sleeping until the afternoon. I am exhausted from doing nothing. i cannot even really cry anymore. i constantly feel like I am on the verge of tears but i cannot cry. I have been like this for so long I am honestly used to it but at the same time its driving me crazy. everyone around me is used to it too so no one notices. i feel invisible. all I want to do is sleep,Depression +22920,"My downtime has reached to the point wherein when i see my own profile picture on my social media, i get sadder and more down. Because for some reason i hate seeing how I am smiling and how i look happy in those pictures while in real life I am suffering. I want to remove them, or change them to faceless ones, or just deactivate all my accounts, but i cannot do that because then my friends and family will ask what is wrong, and i know they cannot help me at all. No to my own pictures",Depression +16057,"Please I just want to be able to accept the simple and good parts of my life as simple and good, I want to enjoy them. they are so rare and I just want to accept that they are real and not going anywhere. I just want to be able to accept that I have people in my life who love me",Depression +39695,yeah so basically me and my bf both have been in a very good relationship for about a year and month and we were just texting like we normally do every night and he told me that he s suicidal and think about hurting himself a lot how do i deal with this information how can i help him he already said he doesn t want to go to therapy since that would require him telling his parent and i assume he s really embarrassed about it so what can i do to help him i ve never had to deal with anything like this before so i have no idea,Depression +17868,"Go figure the one therapist that actually managed to help me is leaving. I really liked her and we worked well together, she actually seemed to care and wanted to help me. I am not mad at her or anything but i am disappointed. I guess I am on my own again. My therapist is leaving her current employer",Depression +13995,"Ok, this could sound dumb and pathetic, but for the past two years I have been fighting existential crisis and I am still out of luck. I have turned out 18 years old couple days ago, yet I was more sad than happy that day. If we live in the world where diseases, poverty, climate change, animal cruelty, war, greed, take places first, then what is the point of life? People say that the key to life is happiness, but how can you be happy about a things which are mostly leading towards the self destruction of humanity, yet people do not care, or care too less. I cannot even enjoy life anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I am constantly silently crying in my bedroom every night not because I have some sorts of local problems, but because the civilization is ignorant, and all I can do is to watch as we self destroy ourselves. The world is on fire and I cannot bear it anymore.",Depression +9567,Anyone have any tips on how to get over this? Girl I fell in love with said that we do not click and I am really sad to the point where I do not want to do anything.,Depression +47738,"I'm so sick of university (rant) It's just a constant struggle, the degree isn't even that valuable and I haven't been to my classes for a couple weeks now. I wake up and sit in the shower for an hour, make some food and play games. I have two dissertations due in May along with 3 other assignments, and 2 exams. No one seems to believe I'm depressed, my boyfriend says I'm ""not mentally ill I'm just going through a hard time"", but everyone else handles it better than me. + +I have to work at a bar that's open til 4am on the weekends and I finish work at 5, then a half hour walk back so at the best of times I fall fall at 6. I know that this job is making my mental health worse but I don't have long left at uni now, there's no point in quitting. + +In the UK the government give you a maintenance loan to help pay rent and cover living costs, most people get around £7-9k per year, I get 4k because of my parents income, but they don't even make that much and they can't help me financially. The 4k doesn't even cover the rent for my place so my part time job is paying rent, food, laundry, transport, clothes when I need them etc, and other things. + +I'm managing to save up my money without spending over budget but that's about the only thing that seems worth it, actually making money. With university there is nothing to motivate me other than guilt or shame. My first year of uni was during the pandemic and the second year was heavily affected as well. Third year is just full of strikes, the free university bus never shows up so I miss my classes when I actually try, it's all so demotivating. + +The one time I opened up to a friend properly he distanced himself from me because I didn't text him back for a couple days, and he took it personally, even after I explained everything to him. To be honest, he was a terrible friend anyway, but I'll save you the details. My parents don't understand it, they're in denial that their kid is depressed and anxious, probably because they are too, but my mum always tells me I'm just being silly when I open up, so not much hope there. + +I just wish I could sleep through it all. I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment and I feel like a waste of oxygen. I don't know if this would be helpful to anyone, but I hope someone else can relate.",Depression +11220,"I moved to his country a year ago after I finished my education (Msc in computer science). it is really on the countryside and it turned out that there is zero need for my skill set. Nobody here cares about software, they do not know what they should put me to and everyone tells me to ""just work with something else"". After applying for jobs and being in a foreign country for eight months hearing about how I should work with something else than software; the depression hit like a hammer. I have take a software job now in my home country and I am going to move back in two months. But right now those two months feel like....... Never ending. I love my bf deeply but I honestly do not know what I am saying anymore. I just want to get away. I want to be alone so I do not hurt him more. I just say something. I say ""sorry"" even I do not truly mean it because I know that is what I am supposed to say. I say ""I do not care about your mother or your family"" and ""I do not care about how you feel"". it is completely fucked up. I am shocked about myself saying these words when I think back. Everyday I am angry at him, everyday something is wrong, everyday is negativity. Yet, he is just loving and caring. I just do not feel anything. Everything is numb. I cry all the time. His family is here at the moment and everyone can clearly see I am fucked up. Next week we are travelling to see my family and it is going to be the same: ""What happened to her?""How do I survive those two months? I feel like the light is when I start to work and move back in two months. But how do I show affection to him? How do I keep this relationship going? I love him. I just hate this place. he is willing to move later on, he just cannot now. I [F29] treat my bf [M29] like shit because of my depression",Depression +7025,"cut onions so that i could get some tears out, since i cannot seem to cry and she would a single tear even though i feel like I am on the verge of crying for hours each day. it worked though, for the first few tears. but then nothing :( hit a new low recently",Depression +9588,"I am 26 and I always feel I was born in the wrong generation. Not because of ""hurr they had better music back then"" or any stupid reason like that. I should have been born 18 years before some great war so I could join the front line as soon as it started and die in combat. Anything past the age of 12 was just me racking up regrets to burden me further down the line.This life is just not for me. No way any person is supposed to live out his days like this, finding comfort only in cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and trashy reality tv. Even a simple decision like what song should I listen to is overwhelming. People saying ""get a new hobby or go traveling bro"" makes me want to throw up. I cannot even watch a new TV show without feeling as if I am drowning in some unfamiliar swamp. it is this minimal routine that keeps me afloat. Any deviation and I am in deep uncharted water with boots made from cement.Medication did absolutely nothing for me, therapy is one a hour a week I go to bitch about stuff for 100$/hr. No real friends that give a shit, no skills to get me anywhere else. I only have my mother and she is no help either, constantly expecting me to make her happy with an education or grandchildren or comparing to the more successful children of her co-workers.Having a personality and self esteem of a piss soaked rag does not help either. I will ruin and run away from anything good because I simply do not deserve it or it is too hard.Fuck life and fuck living another day. Thanks mom and dad for not using fucking protection you dusty fucking dipshits So this is life? Feeling like I am being mentally waterboarded? Latching onto anything that will distract me from the fact that I exist? Choking back tears from the crippling loneliness? Dreading every single day? Yeah sign me up homie",Depression +39164,ah well today wa my first day at university it wa okay kinda i had fun with the friend i had but there wa also a lot of stuff that made me feel small and pathetic first of all a friend and i got to the wrong building and went up four floor using the stair we had to go down and do so again with the right one it s embarrassing to admit but i m not exactly an active person so it left me exhausted and kinda dizzy i felt pathetic and wished no one wa there to see me like that i got together with my group of friend after that and to be honest i m irritated at myself for not talking more it made me feel kind of excluded even though i know that wasn t the fault of my friend after that i got lost when i had to go back in train because someone in my family said they were gon na give me a ride but didn t give me the right direction got blasted on phone for being late and when i got home i felt really awful i hate causing others inconvenience and i felt like i totally did when i wa eating a bit once i got back i noticed something strange in my mouth and whaddya know the gum behind the third molar is swollen but doesn t hurt my brain went into overdrive and now assumes it s my wisdom tooth even when this ha happened before and it wa nothing i m tired,Depression +12765,"I honestly do not know what to do anymore. I joined the Army back last year and shipped out for basic last month. I was pretty happy at the time since I just graduated HS and was making my parents proud following in their footsteps. Now not even 2 months in, I am back home on con leave for a hip and knee injury and I just do not think I can mentally handle going back to Georgia. I have lost all my motivation. It just sucked being there in Red Phase. Sleep deprived, Hungry, Constantly getting screamed at/smoked for minor mistakes. does not sound like much but when you combine it all together, it sucks. I tried to power through but got injured the last week of Red Phase. Now I am getting recycled and being placed with a platoon freshly starting. I am honestly contemplating suicide. I am just sick of living at this point. I doubt things will get better for me. Joined the Army and feel Suicidal.",Depression +21736,25 years old with literally nobody in my life. I keep cutting social ties because of anxiety and depression. Ill probably waste my entire youth away to my mental health. Ill never have a girlfriend or a best friend to do things with. At least I have myself I am severely depressed and alone,Depression +19832,"I am looking for a good book to read and learn from. Something that can help me learn how to be in more control in how I respond to daily life, criticism, uncomfortable or threatening scenarios, and just general positive and/or negative conversations.About me: I am someone who has been clinically diagnosed with PTSD with Anxiety attacks, depression, and general anxiety. I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive home and suffered throughout life as a kid. Honestly, it felt like i was bullied and abused most of my life. Since becoming an adult and I am more self aware and I really want to turn things around! After being clinically diagnosed, I decided to pursue therapy. I was in therapy for a couple years but I ended up losing the privilege of having access to therapy due to insurance and being broke. I really do not want to take medication but its getting to the point that idc anymore and i just want to be drugged up. I really really hate how much I struggle with my mental health and I want to have this bitch in check and not let my surroundings or other ppl in my head. At one point in my life, before covid, I felt like I had (most of) it under control. Sure, I had my bad days still but nothing like before. With the pandemic, i feel my mental health has gradually gotten worse again. I freak out with certain triggers, i get scared of what ppl think or say of me, and its even harder when it feels the worlds against me when receiving harsh criticism. (Ex: my mother says things like: this is why bad shit happens to you or now i understand why you got abused) After I calm down from my panic attacks, I always feel so defeated and even worse. I end up isolating myself and just crying the rest of the day and laying in bed until the next day because I cannot stop replaying my life history. I WANT THAT TO STOP. I just want to learn how to stop letting things get to me. Basically learn to be careless or not care for all the right reasons. Sorry if my post is all over the place. I just had a breakdown right before typing this. -TIA Any good books/reads to recommend? Any helpful advice even?",Depression +40885,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +16274,I have a lot going on in my life right now. These situations feel crushing and I feel powerless and stuck and I often just want to leave everything behind and run away. I do not know what to do. Run away,Depression +16570,"When I look at my life, all the things I have done wrong, people I have hurt and let down, it seems logical.When I think about the health issues I have, how different I am from other people, it seems logical.When I realize that no matter what I do, I am unworthy, and will have an unfulfilling life, devoid of love and happiness, it seems logical. I am fundamentally different in many ways, I am a bad person, and the things I want in life are unobtainable, so Suicide is the most logical choice. Why waste space? Why waste anyone elses time? Suicide seems like the most logical option",Depression +26391,"I have been pretty damn sick lately and been depressed for idk how long. But being sick, feeling this horrible misery and pain changed me. I was throwing up, dehydrated, could not breathe at times. I felt like dying. I felt like I was at my lowest. Now that I feel better, I think of the world differently. When I was sick, I set down my phone, my controller, and spent time thinking and getting real sleep. Because now that I am not sick and can be my normal self again, I cherish the world. I cherish that I can wake up and feel healthy and not vomit every five minutes. All those times I tried to kill myself feel foolish now. I was just fed up with my situation and wanted a quick and easy way out. I know that most people have a lot of really big worries and need to find a way to escape the pain. You probably hear this all the time but it will get better. The way I see it, we only got one shot in this world, so we have to make it count. we are all going to die someday and the world is going to be in a bad place when we do pass on. So during these days where we have the luxury to watch videos on devices that are sci fi by old standards, find something that makes you happy. Find a funny video, eat a meal, take a shower. Try to better yourself and live a happy life before it is all over. there is hope. I am sorry I rambled on for a bit. I hope you can take my message to heart. With love,JimmyMilton69 Being depressed and sick has changed my outlook on life and the world",Depression +40311,lying manipulating aunt taking advantage of my mom forcing my parent apart stealing money stealing clothes for year and counting i couldn t take it my school grade dropped covid hit couldn t muster up the courage to talk to friend had a drive through high school graduation barely graduated at all no uni plan working at a dollar store just floating on with no motivation or will my sister almost suicided but had the courage to talk about it i attempted more time than i can count but couldn t talk about it the closest to death wa when i wa bleeding so much from my neck i dyed the knife and clothes i wa wearing i tried talking about everything but the attempt but those that know stopped talking to me unless i try first wouldn t it be better if i off myself and get it over with it s not like it matter nothing doe another person will just grow up and fill my spot in society life doesn t matter all life is only equal cause it s equally worthless everything is worthless but the few friend that did help me would hurt but it s better to get it over with like a bandaid instead of make them watch me suffer nothing is going my way i m constantly cry myself to sleep i ve been called wise but it s just watered down suicidal thought coming up in normal conversation religion helped for a bit but it s just more rule on how to live i need help but i don t have the will to do anything i just need someone to comfort me i try hugging myself but it just reminds of how lonely i am every time i try reaching out it just end with a passive one word reply we haven t talked in so long how ve you been doing good just cut me off if you don t like talking to me quit playing these mind game and say it to my face i m seriously messed up am i messed up or is everyone else messed up but that s what s socially acceptable no matter how much i hate the world my mind always try to justify thing or see thing from they re point of view even if it s a blatantly bad thing are my friend bad or am i bad i don t know i just feel sad or numb but cover it with a smile so if i can make a difference in someone s life it s a positive one unlike mine i feel like such an attention seeker by talking about what i m going through maybe being anonymous like this is what s letting me write this it s am again so goodnight we ll see if it s the last time i say that or not,Depression +22741,"Today my cousin dropped by, bags packed ready for a week vacation here with us. I asked her why she was here, and she said because she wanted to, as if nothing was helding her back, a pang of envy washed over me dumbfounded even. She went and knocked on my parents room and greeted them, barely awake since we have all just woken up, she could do that; to open doors and not be greeted with disdain, she could walk without having to be on thin ice like me, she was like that. breakfast came, and we have moved on to family matters. How was your mom? how is the business? and she would say everything is okay. My mom asks, why are not you helping her right now? and she answered because their shop was too hot for her, just like that, she had a choice I realized. My mother whispered, you should help as if she was a bad child, but i could feel the guilt on her voice as if she too realized it is not true. My cousin gave a look, reassuring her it does not reallt matter because my mother never guilt trips me about it, She had that freedom. I forget sometimes, this emotions that claw out of my heart, that take root into my head. I envy, and I feel numb, angry and confused. Why me? why do I have to settle for hot rarely cold? why must I force myself to forget years of abuse because their nice now, they will not hurt me anymore. I am angry. I am envious. and most importantly I am too scared to die. I am jealous.",Depression +40446,why the absolute f ck is this world so f cked up every single day i see a bunch of fake as people and a shitty world nobody give a f ck about anyones feeling they just say whatever make them look cool perants don t give a shit because they didn t live with this friend or suppose to be friend are fake and don t give a shit i m the guy who walk in the back of the crowd when there s not enough room on sidewalk and i m done with this shit f ck the world f cl everyone who had made me who i am i hope you re happy,Depression +39363,hi i hope you re alright erm i dont have anyone to talk to about my problem so that is what mainly lead me here i have been experiencing a very confusing and frustrating situation the past year well technically year i m 0 yr old so through hundred of small bit of information and realisation from family member teacher friend colleague and self reflection i have realised that i have some sort of mental disability my parent and family have tried to hide it from me my whole life but since about year old i have always known i wa different to other people but i just assumed it wa my personality i have suffered from anxiety my whole life and severe anxiety and depression since year old which no one know about not even my parent i have always wondered to myself why i wa so different to other people but i guess i never really thought that deep into it untill recently i went through an awful lot at the age i wa suicidal i used to self harm bad ptsd i d say i went crazy i wa just lost and confused so i guess you could say i experienced a life time in year so i defintely learnt alot and i came out a completley changed person for the best not worst which i am only seeing now i learnt to appreciate life family friend mental health and relationship while you have them i have always struggled to make friend i have been bullied on and off in school and i struggle to keep my existing friendship i struggle to talk to people i also had to go to speech therapy session and haven hand writing session outside of school everyone say im quiet which i am but i wish i wasn t i have so much i want to say and express i just really struggle doing it so so i dont get embarrassed i tend not to talk too much the past year i have realised that i have some sort of mental disability which ha been quite alot for me to take on especially on my own through alot of small thing like when my college teacher refused to tick the box on a form which stated i had no learning difficulty for 9 month staright well dom how about this let leave the box unticked for now and if at a later date you decide to open up about it we will tick it making feel like a fucking mental patient so i told my cousin about this and his response wa wait your parent haven t told you so i left his house immeditetly started driving home and broke down cry i eventually got the gut to ask my parent but their answer wa we got you tested when you were a kid but the doctor said it wa unconclusive then i told my friend about all of this and they all agreed that they think i have a disability s like aspergers autism adhd ocd which shocked me even more so then i started looking back through my life and alot started to fall together and make sense which wa extremely emotional for me then i found out that my uncle and cousin on my dad side have aspergers and that auntie amp cousin have aspergers and auntie ha dylexia on my mum side my mum and dad definitly have something too but no one will tell me this then made me realise that i am an extreme cocktail of this i have struggled my whole life but assumed it wa just me but the thing is i still dont know what i have and it making go crazy my family are hiding it from me i think i have aspergers but then again it could be adhd dylslexia something else autism i dont fucking know and i have no support off anyone i have no one to talk to and im going insane ive been feeling so lonely for year i really need a councincillor im ashamed and afraid to tell my parent about my depression anxiety and everything because i dont want them to start worrying about me it also alot for me to admit it not that easy for me i dont want my whole family knowing too so everything is locked up inside me then it come out in weekly or monthly burst where i just break down i am writing this at that time what would you recommend i do about this do you have any advice i would really appreciate it i would appreciate talking to anyone who want to share thing too thanks,Depression +10109,I just want someone to talk to...please Depression from wrinkles and changes to lifestyle,Depression +47894,"I've never once been happy in my 28 years of living Been depressed my whole life i am surprisingly optimistic about my future because i have found the root cause of my depression,now i have to work on overcome my fear of being my authentic self.",Depression +38449,i keep thinking of her a transphobic because a year and a half ago she told me all her thought of transgender and now i don t feel comfortable talking to her about it,Depression +38094,i am year old junior in college i have multiple problem that i need to address to start i have gotten carried away with smoking weed i have been using it almost everyday since i wa and i can no longer control it im always buying it when i can t always afford it i spend a good amount of my time at home smoking weed or using thc product i have also been drinking a lot more than i used to and i have even picked up a nicotine habit from my friend i am not doing a well in school a i should be and i really need to be more proactive and motivated but i feel no motivation some day to even do anything school related i havent been eating well a lot of day been eating a lot of fast food and skipping meal some day there are night where i barely get enough sleep because i end up staying up most of the night being on my phone watching tv or playing video game i have set goal for myself that i want to workout more build myself up and eat better but i never stick to them i feel very anxious and depressed a lot of the time with the only relief i have felt come from hanging out and talking with friend i have some really great friend that i am very close with and a wonderful family that would do anything for me but i can t help but feel alone i feel a great need for companionship and i have been trying to get into a relationship for a long time going from one person to the next but nothing ever becoming of it and we become stranger again it ha taken away a lot of my energy and exhausted my motivation and drive me further into my loneliness and add to my anxiety i have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past several month talking and going out with multiple girl not at the same time and it ending the same i just feel a void in my life some day and lately i have been spending a lot of time around friend to try and fill that void more than i usually do which could also contribute to me spending le time on school and a lot of other important thing i have barely been home in the past week because i wa with friend i feel completely empty and hopeless somedays and feel like my life is over i see others living their best life exciting thing happening having opportunity connection with others is just natural to them and just having a great time with life and then there s me who wish i could be that way but i know i am different than them and no one will ever see me like that i will always be by myself wherever i go and i used to be such a happy child excited for life not afraid to dream big and wonder about the future and just live in the moment but thing happened that turned me into what i am today i feel like a shell of who i could have been and that my younger self would be dissapointed in me i wish i could go back to when i wa about and not taken it for granted and go through life again with what i know now some day i really do not like the person i am turning into i do not thing that i am doing what s best for myself mentally physically and emotionally i feel like i m on a treadmill walking through life but not actually getting anywhere while watching everyone else pas me by i really need to break out of this mindset and change my life around if i am going to survive in this world and live the good and happy life that i always wanted and not a wasted life,Depression +13547,"Hi everyone first post on here so please bear with me,I am a single mother of a 3 year old I am 23 with multiple mental illnesses living in a high rise flat (13 floors) I am on floor four of this flat Its vile i hate it here the lifts are nearly always dirty, filthy normally food, beer, weed and some times human urine all over the floor and if not they are not working now.Once i left a little box in the chute room (bin room) due to me been really poorly and the room already being full of rubbish bags, boxes ect i could not get to the actual chute i could not reach it I am short 5ft to be exact so i placed it on top of the bags and i was fine nearly 50 ($68.06) for a little box i explained the situation to the council and they did not care however i still paid it as i cannot afford to loose my propertyThis morning i had a letter from a tax place staying it had not been paid i was under the impression it came out my bank with my rent and service charges (the lift and cleaners in the block) however it has not been so now its 96.02 ($130.70) which i obviously do not mind paying as soon as i get payed FridayNow I have had an email from the council saying that i had not properly disposed of a rubbish bag! Which i put into the the chute and did not go down now they are fining me again I am so angry with this place and the council and everything else at the min its really getting me down I am now terrified of taking my rubbish to the bins incase i breath wrong and they fine me again i feel like screaming, not just all that but i also have ptsd and the time my trauma happened the date is coming back up very soon and its all really getting to me Sorry for the long post but i needed to get it off my chest Feels like i gave no one else to vent to please no bashing/trolling/judgement",Depression +18526,"My days are like a rerun tv show, anytime I have something good I loose it and I cannot be alone with my thoughts or else I will think terrible things.. this whole feeling comes and goes but it never leaves, I just have this tremendous weight and everyone makes it up to be normal or this is what I should expect. But I do not want that. I do not want to live until I am old and be unhappy and mad the entire time. And this is not what I am going to do but when this is the thought it is never good. I just should end it, life is hopeless and I have made no positive impact on anyone. No matter how kind, supportive or loving I was all those people took me for granted or advantage of me and have nothing back. That little happy feeling? There is none. maybe for a brief moment but it never lasts or it is so brief and random I do not even notice.and I chase that feeling even if it does not still make me happy because I am so lost, I am lost and do not know what to do and even if I spilled my heart out and told someone my exact problems no would care and that is just life and I know that I am at the point in my life where it just seems pointless and no reason to go on",Depression +12999,"I was just looking at something and tearing up and caught myself thinking ""I cannot cry right now, I still have one more meeting left today.""Just thought that was funny, if only in a somewhat dark way. Working from home",Depression +38675,on a bad day it feel a though someone ha applied the vignette filter and my field of view is decreased whilst thing become a bit more blurry and le vibrant my eyelid also become a bit heavier a though i ve just woken up after a nap and there s a sort of foggy feeling in my forehead and behind my eye can any of you guy relate to this or doe it sound like something unrelated to anxiety,Depression +8263,"I have not genuinely smiled in a long time and nowadays its becoming more of a chore to fake one. I have lost all my appetite and feel like vomiting when I take a few bites, even when I am starving. I feel no joy in life and no hope for the future. Colours have lost their vibrancy making everything in life darker. I know nothing changed but my outlooks become dark and I cannot change it back to how I used to see the world. I have a few friends who I hang with from time to time but feel no enjoyment with them at all. My real friends are all over the world and Ill probably never see them again in my life. I cannot talk to anyone about how I am feeling because those friends do not really care and my supposed family does not do much talking. Most days I try to ignore how I am feeling but lately I cannot anymore. I cannot even be bothered to fake being normal anymore. I wake up only to sleep and nothing more. I am finding it hard to put everything to words because this is a first for me. If you have come this far, thank you for reading my rant and I hope your day was better than mine I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +10558,"I always have had depression issue, ever since I can remember. I usually can cope, but recently I have just been alone all the time. All I have is my thoughts, and no one seems to care. My husband is never around, and usually chooses to hang out with friends then to be home with me and our dog. I do not have friends I can lean on, and my family is going through a lot and I cannot burden them. I just hate this feeling of loneliness 24/7, the emptiness it gives. I usually can play with my pup and feel better, but he recently had surgery and is a lot of work. I wish I could take a break, but no one else is there to help. When people do come around, usually my husbands friends/family, they make it pretty obvious that they are there for him and do not care if I am there. If hes gone, they will not even wait for him. They usually leave until hes back, because god forbid someone has to be around me for more than 2 minutes. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling empty and depressed. I am tired of constantly feeling like I am not enough, even for my husband. I hate being alone 24/7",Depression +16285,"I am 23 and I will be 24 next month and I have not accomplished a lot of stuff that most people my age have. I do not have any work experience, a job, a college degree or my own place. When it comes to jobs I never got one in the past because I never wanted to settle for jobs like Target and Walgreens and the thought of having to do that scared me and it still does. I think I suck at being a cashier and I am afraid that people around my age will walk into the stores and laugh at me for working there and the same goes for places like Mcdonalds. I am also worried about not being paid enough for the time spent working at those places. I still want to go back to college and switch majors but I am not sure what I want to major in and I am constantly being told ""Well you do not have enough time and you have to go ahead and decide before you turn 24."" I do not even have a talent or a passion that I can invest in. I am also constantly being reminded that I am almost a 24 year old with no job and work experience which does not help. Last year I decided that I wanted to move out and get my own place but doing that requires for me to have a job which is something that I do not have. I basically spent most of my life missing out on experiences and oppurtunities and it is still happeing as I get older. Whenever I want to do something on my own that requires money I cannot. For example some people that I know are going to a beach in September and I cannot go to hang out with them for a few days because I do not have any money. it is just going to be another experience that I am going to miss. Sometimes I am jealous of other people and even influencers because of the fact that they are freely able to do whatever they want to do with money and experience their life and enjoy the oppurtunites that they have and I cannot. I never wanted to be jealous of other people to that extent or be in the situations that I am in now but I do not think I did enough to avoid any of that from happening. I am worried that nothing in my life is going to change and that my future is going to be what my life currently is now but worse. Sometimes during the day I am optimistic and sometimes I am stressed out and upset because nothing is working out for me. This causes me to constantly switch between being motivated to being unmotivated and sometimes I do not even want to exist. I am not sure what do about my life or future and I need advice. Time is passing me by and I do not know what to do about my future or life general",Depression +14418,"Hello, before I start, I am not a native english speaker so I may make mistakes in my text, please do not mind.I'm17, andit'sbeena fewyearsI'mdealingwithdepression.It started because of my family.I stopped talking to my dad at 10, and my mom is not bad but she is alcoholic and maybe has mental disorders.Last year, I began my studies, and I ran away at the other side of France because I could not support it anymore, especially after the lockdown.Ithas beenreally,reallyhard tostaywithmymomathomefor 5months.Indeed,schoolwashelpingme toseeotherpeopleandjust...do not be depressed.Ihadmany mental breakdowns, even atschool,Ihadaboyfriendthat almost raped me andtook advantageofmysituation.Butmylastyear was incredible.I started to talk to people.I love my new studies, and being far away of every one of my problems for 10 months helped me so much.But now there are the summer holidays,Ihavetostaybymymomuntil September.Ihadn't the choice to come back or not,shehadalreadysaid thatshewantsto kill herself a fewtimes,Idon'twanther tomakemistakes.it is been only a week, and I just cannot do anything.I am laying on my bed all day.I have not even the energy to eat.it is been maybe 3 days I have not ate anything.I am trying to tell my friends, but I do not know how...Ican keep writing and erasing messages forhours,Idon'tknowhow totellthem.I try to send them memes about depression.I do not really know if it works.I am soafraidof just drop school nextyearbecauseI'mtootired.I want to try to talk to a doctor, but my mother always has laugh on my condition, she says I am just playing a comedy, and I cannot see a doctor without her.I really do not know what to do.I do not know what I am expecting in publishing this here.I just cannot kill myself.I have been so happy lastyear, itwould just be a waste, and I do not want my friends being sad, but I am praying to be killed by anything accidentally that is so ridiculous.I'mreallysorry,thanksforreadingme. I think I have to talk of my depression to somebody, so I am trying here",Depression +37943,i found out last year that i had major depression disorder which i wasn t surprised at because my whole life since i wa i ve been depressed however i m realizing i also have body dysmorphia bc i just hate the way i look body wise when i stand i can see my fatty ab but when i sit it just a big pile of fat and it frustrating because i workout everyday non stop and linit my eating people say real people men know what a woman s body is supposed to be like well guess what we live in 0 it s supposed be in shape and that s what most expect i m just so over it because those same people who say yeah thats a real woman s body are the same people liking every single big as flat ab photo i try to push myself everyday and today im over it i can t keep going on like this,Depression +47978,just started punching holes in the wall because now I’m angry that I’m sad,Depression +14784,"Basically everything is based on ur appearence. People judge you because of ur appearence. People treat you way nicer if you look good... and it sucks because I do not get treated nicely and in ugly. I have cried many times about my appearance. I have wished death on myself and still do. I truly despise myself and wished I was a whole new person. I cannot even look in the mirror anymore because I hate how I look. Every time i look at myself i get mad because like why do I look like a man. Everytime I go somewhere I see pretty people and people with their friends and yknow are happy and confident and I compare myself to them and I am the opposite of them. No friends, no confidence, low self esteem, and unattractive. I just cannot wait til I can get plastic surgery and it will make me happy. I want to look like a whole different person so I can be happy and live a happy life. I hate todays society...",Depression +19716,"""*We never taste happiness in perfection, our most fortunate successes are mixed with sadness""* Yea...",Depression +12902,"So I have been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for a couple years now after my partner and I losing a baby. Because of that, the relationship ship ended and I have been grieving since then. I (28m) know this makes it difficult to connect with new relationships over the past three years since. Tho, I have never really gone crazy over someone till now. We have been talking on and off for longer than six months and I think I am past the infatuation stage. The connection I feel is deeper than physical despite her being super hot. We do live a distance apart but I am willing and able to move. I do not know whether she likes me back and she is hiding it because of my baggage or some other reason, or whether I am just friend zoned which seems to be my common problem. she is just been incredibly supportive over the past six months in my journey as a friend, I had hoped these feelings would go away but they have not and it is getting to the point where I need to either cut off the friendship which will be challenging for me because I have few supports in my life. Or I have to find a way to deal with these feelings that are intertwined now with my suicidal thoughts and depression which makes it hard to deal with.How do I deal with the feelings since they do not seem to fit in my box that I bottle everything up in and deal with later, without making my current feelings of unworthiness and lack of hope worse? do not know what to do with these feelings",Depression +14648,"So many people have claimed that I just need to wait and see. But I am so fucking tired of waiting. Ever since I was 12, I have wanted to die. Me being 25 has not changed that one iota. No matter what happens, it all ends in failure. Everything around me is stagnant while everyone else is going on to do amazing things. My sister is several hours away, married to a wonderful guy. My mom lives in an entirely difficult country who just recently got re-married without letting anyone else know what was going on. All of my friends from college have gone on to get jobs. And I am stuck living in a shithole of an apartment with my verbally abusive father.I do not have anyone who I can turn to, if I try to talk to my mom about it, she gaslights me and makes me feel like a loser for complaining about having a roof over my head. If I try to talk to my friends about it, they will just twist my words into them just talking about their issues. I am sincerely tempted to go toss back a bottle of pills and just pray that it works this time. Nothing ever changes, no one actually cares until it is useful to them, the only things that give me any hope for the future are my dreams. And even those are not enough after thirteen years of suffering. I want to stay asleep forever and stay in my dreams",Depression +19275,"I am 27. I am over 500 lbs. I live with my parents. do not drive. I am addicted to/misuse weed. I am a compulsive overeater. I am one of those.disgusting men who cannot see anything in a relationship past sex and attention. I am the template they use to describe the term ""Manchild or manbaby"".If there was a way to waste a human life. This is it. I see the world crumbling. I have not prepared for that. When this world comes crumbling down. My only hope is that my suffering is over quick. If there is a human garbage disposal. Chuck me in it. I feel useless. And I do not feel I have a place in this world.",Depression +23138,"You said you would be there for me in times of trouble when I need you and I am down. And likewise you need friendship, it is from my side pure love but I see lately things have been changing. You have goals to achieve but the roads you take abroad and heartbeats that wants you make another way. You throw stones, can you see that I am human? I am breathing but you do not give a damn... You said you would be there for me.",Depression +16618,"Long story short, I have depression, and a very low self esteem. Therefore, everyday I think people do not like, but just tolerate me. There are only a few people, I would open up to, my ""closest friends"" are not one of them, because they would probably tell me something like ""it is going to be okay"" or ""it is not that bad"" or just crack a stupid joke. But like I said, there a few, where I think that they would actually listen, because they have done it before. They told me I could talk with them about everything, whenever I want, but I cannot imagine someone caring about me that much, and I do not want to be a burden to them, what can I do? I want to talk about my problems, but not be a burden to anyone",Depression +12734,"VENT TW: suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, abuse(?) mentionHi readers.... this is one of the only safe places I have to express myself. And its my last resort. I am on the verge of doing something stupid and my thoughts are scattered, so please bear with me.I hate myself, really, really hate myself. I was born into a family of narcs, two bio parents that never actually wanted to raise their kids. Dad was not as bad, i guess. He mostly never called or texted while we were growing up. He stopped, anyway. And T (that is my egg donor who does not deserve to be called a mom) was an incredibly abusive bitch. I can tell she has never actually loved her kids, me especially. So I got a lot more of the abuse when I was a child, and as an adult, I sometimes fall into the same type of relationships I used to have. I try so so hard not to, but its like these people find me and I cannot get away.So that brings me to my current bf. I thought he was the most beautiful person when we met. He knew about my issues, I was upfront. But I did tell him I do my best to keep my emotions from becoming too much. And I have worked in therapy for 3+ years to be better, and I felt like I was making progress. But now I am wondering if maybe I am just a narc and I give myself too much credit for my progress. He literally told me after we met that he was a bad person and a monster. (When people tell you who they are, listen, right?) And I honestly was wary but just figured he had issues like anyone else. Except the more time we have spent together (been together for two years in Dec) he really just seems to hate me.We do not usually argue, but when we do he basically threatens to leave me all the time. And I literally have to basically get on my hands and knees shaking from the panic attacks like a dog, unable to talk from crying so much or else he does not believe that I love him and want him to stay. His favorite thing to tell people about me is that I am obedient and that I do what he says. Obedient! Like i *am* a dog. Like its my only good quality, and for the record, I have a mind of my own. I do not always do things he says, but if he asks me to hand him something, I do it and its not a problem. But if I do not, then he tells me stuff like I do not love him and he is second guessing our relationship because I will not do what he asks. And if he walks put the door to leave, if I do not chase after him, I do not love him enough or at all.he will get hurt by any little thing I say or make assumptions about things I say or do, but then he will turn around and project it back on me and say that I do not listen to him, I over react, etc. He never takes responsibility for any of the mean and hurtful shit he says. Its always my fault for not understanding or ""attacking"" him. (I could literally just ask him to pick up after himself and he will literally flip his shit).I am not going to say I am perfect, or that I never have said anything mean to him. However, I always apologize and work on whatever he claims has hurt him so that I do not do it again. He refuses to do the same, claiming that he will never change because that is how he is. he is even basically said suicidal people deserve to die (knowing that I have issues with this). This is already so long, so I am going to stop, but my heart is broken and I cannot stop crying. I wish I was dead and if I ever mustered up the strength to do it, he would be the reason why. I love him, and I do not understand why he is so fucking mean.If you read all this, thanks. And I am sorry. My bf has made me hate myself after years of therapy, and I wish I was dead. Why cannot I find someone who genuinely loves me like I love them?",Depression +13400,"I am embrassed to type this but I have got nothing left to loose now.I have suffered with mental illness for as long as I can remember and I am now approaching 32 and have absolutely nothing. I cannot hold down a job, I have no friends, and my family keep me at arms length. My dad tries in his own way but he will never reach out to me, I have to contact him. And if I say I am not good I just get ""oh dear."" My brother also suffers with depression but stopped taking his tablets and thinks himself of some sort of life guru and if you are not living life and have his thought process and opinions he is not interested. He came round to my flat and I was so numb staring into space and all he could talk about was how good looking he is getting after his divorce oh and that no one is coming to save me. I know full well no one can ""save"" me, but fuck me, a little compassion maybe?. I have also recently been diagnosed with a beign tumor on my pituitary gland which is causing terrible migraines, vision problems and pain in my joints so I am currently off sick from work and risk loosing yet another job. I have no money, I have hinted to a few family members I am living off a couple slices of toast a day and my mother laughed and said well think of the weight you will loose.there is loads more going on but I am short I am fucking tired, it only gets better for a short amount of time before I am zapped right back to square one. I have even started praying, I collect crystals and I meditate but nothing is working. How did I get here? I am I that much of a twat that I have no one? Alot of my family are narcissist people (not that I blame that, our family is pretty fucked) but yet they are surrounded by people and everyone loves them. So why me, why am I sat here on the verge of taking my own life. I just need one person",Depression +19005,If this will be deleted ill understand. I am trying my last resort to survive this pandemic. I am sorry if this will be a bother. been at my lowest now. Amd no one wanted to help. Fund for food,Depression +10269,"Depression is part of me since I was a kid. I grew up in a toxic family, and started feeling really sad at 11 y.o. I remember wanting to die without knowing why, and tried to hurt myself this young. I still does not who the reason. Time passes and things went darker around me and In my family. I moved far away to escape, but I carried my depression with me since. I started hating the world more and more while working in retail to pay for my studies and my living. I was thinking ""If life is so violent and sad, why I should live it ? Life is useless"" and started thinking too deep about our world, the society we live in and I was making me more sad everytime. I tried everything I had to go back to the surface, but I drowned again last year. I went to hospital because I was letting myself dying more and more. I needed help, I needed someone taking my hand and finally helping me with all my sadness. I needed someone to listen..and I only got bad doctors and medecine, which makes me more and more sick. I am arriving at the point were I just do not know how to live anymore. I cannot count on someone for my health, I feel like I am missing years of my youth because I always had to take care of everything by myself to survive and I feel like people of my age are doing so much more things. I always want to die, but I am still so afraid of doing it. Is there people here who succeed at healing, and feeling not so sad about life, about the world ? I hate the world and I hate myself",Depression +12585,"This year I should have been focusing on my thesis. I even got a scholarship for it so I can work on it full-time, before I did it part-time. Before I was very career-oriented + had a lot of gimmicks. But tbh, I felt like I was already at a decline mentally during the past years due to other external events + anxiety. Tbh due to just a string of unfortunate circumstances my grad school academic life was not going the way I hoped.The wrong thing I did is that I got that scholarship during a very bad time in my life. I thought that focusing on one thing would be enough. Basically I could not even remember what I was doing for the past months. I still feel like I am in a groundhog day of sorts tbh. For whatever reason, I cannot wake up when I want to, I cannot sleep, I just get anxiety all the time when I am awake.And the worst of it all is that I cannot get myself to do work or even think about the technicalities of things related to my thesis. Such that I cram things when reporting to my adviser.I have literally developed an anxiety or fear of doing my own work which I actually love.And now I have wasted months which I should have used for developing my thesis proposal.I still have time I suppose. I feel like I could draft one up in a month. Especially since I am in it full-time right now.But fuck it. it is only been this week that I even got a little bit of work done again that is not just due to anxiety-induced clarity of mind that I am forced to cram.So far I am nearing a month of trying to exercise everyday, and eating healthy. It took me this long to finally get my shit together for that.I have been trying to CBT myself for months. And so I have gotten out of that depressive hole at least.This week I am trying to do work little by little. Trying to keep to a schedule. So far I feel like it is working.But fudge how the fuck do I deal with this whole fuck up I did. I do not have papers with my adviser -- I did with previous research projects that are work-related. But really just due to those work project I was full-time in being not handled well by faculty, the papers were not what I hoped them to be.And now I am cramming for a thesis hopefully by the end of December. Worst case, well I am finishing up my thesis late. But dammit I want to publish papers too. I do not want to waste this time/opportunity since if I do not do well with this, I cannot even count a PhD as part of my future. I should have just taken a leave goddamit. it is understandable this pandemic --- is still very shitty at my country. But I went and got a scholarship that ties me in the whole thing.I cannot even get recommendation letters from my previous work projects because I left them due to their issues --- it was outrageous. It really is, friends told me I got an unlucky streak and they agree that they really were shit. Well there is 1 that went well. But that is just 1! So all I am hoping is to get a recommendation letter in the future from my current adviser. And here I am messing up things.I feel like I still can do something about this. Because moving forward and all that.And I feel like my adviser has a feel for how some of us advisees of theirs are not doing well mentally. Because we do not follow up with him. And we just basically disappeared at times. And he does not call us out on it so far. He just accepts and deals with whatever we report when we talk to him.Honestly I felt like he should have kicked me out months ago.But the thing is, despite all things. I have smiling depression. And have been in and out of this for years. My therapist tells me I should get tested for ADHD, but honestly right now in my country it is a bit difficult to get diagnosed for it. She told me meds may help me.The issue with this is, people around me likely think that all is ok. They think I am upbeat. So in all effect I look like a slob or have no concept of time or really just threw away my thesis.But the thing is I actually really tried to get to it everyday. Honestly I still have to do some work from another thing and I am putting that off as well. Trying to wake up everyday and sitting in front of my computer.Doing nothing but my mind is on the thing. And time flies by.And shit.So yeah this long rant. I just do not see how I can get over this whole thing even if I get over my work anxiety. Is it all for naught? :(((**TLDR: I feel like I should just move on and try to do what I should do. But I cannot help but not know how to deal with the fact that I wasted months during grad school + when I fucking to a scholarship. I should have taken a leave of absence instead. Logically I know that there are some things that one should just move on from. And just deal with it and move on. At this point accept that shit happened, and try to do what I can. But how to deal with the whole mess up and how I obviously have to make a good impression. Where even right now, I am still struggling with getting my self to work due to developed ergophobia. --- Obviously step by step for this one. But dammit I cry. apologies for this long post. T-T** How do I get over the wasted time I did during grad school due to depression/anxiety?",Depression +40155,i m about to be living in nyc and have never done anything worth wilde with my life and im sure im doomed to become one of those in the way people who don t do anything in their life which i feared most of my life nothing i seem to attempt to accomplish work out no matter how hard i work or how right i do it i gave so much time to job organization to further my career path only to used a free labor studying only to use up all my forgiveness credit and flunk out i ve been wanting to end it all for a while every time i sleep i see the bk bridge the spot i picked out year ago to end it i feel like i rather be gone than keep living with fact that i m a grown man that s not worth anything hell my mom ha told me that i haven t done anything for her to be proud me and i won t let my partner destroy herself trying to help me i wanted to be an engineer for nasa when i wa younger but here i am today the world shitist it guy that hasn t been able to find a secure job in the past year i ve been desperate for work for a while today i wa given a work assignment from my contract company only to be told i don t exist in the company so i can t work,Depression +9711,WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? NOTHING. I NEVER DO ANYTHING. I am LOST. what can I do?,Depression +27066,"I am scared because I know I would not do anything, but small things set me off and all I want to do is to stop hurting. I do not see a purpose to life. I go to therapy and have been for two months, and its helped with my OCD but my overall happiness for life is unstable. I just want my pain to stop I want to die",Depression +20392,"My crush is came out, my friends feel fake, And my family barely loves me. Help... I think I am depressed",Depression +16367,"I am a 19 y.o. who recently lost her mom due to surgery complications. My mom had an arterial bypass in her groin (less than 3% death rate; 95% success rate) and the surgery went fine. After, she could not keep her temp and blood pressure up, and passed away the next morning (were still waiting for her autopsy results.) My mom went under anesthesia and never woke up. She was sedated the whole time, even when she had a wound vac and her incision wide open (the doctor kept it open so he could look later, sewing her up would risk infection.) My mom died with an open incision and a super puffy face. She looked so uncomfortable. She probably contracted sepsis, but that is not what I am here to talk about.Seeing her die made me realize how close and possible it is for me to die any day. I saw her at the funeral home, and she looked nothing like herself. Death scares me now, and its hard for me to believe there is an afterlife. I just wish she is here with me and knows how sorry I am that she had to die like that. I also feel lots of guilt, as I have dealt with depression and anxiety and would take it out on her a lot (we were also best buddies, she loved me more than anything and always told me that.) I just need some peace and I do not know how to not feel angry and guilty. I am an only child and a mamas girl. I have my dad who loves me very much, but my mom was my whole world. I was her whole world too. My mom passed away two weeks ago, and since then my views on death are now scarier and more unsettling.",Depression +16882,"my baseline productivity fluctuates and has been often on the lower side although sticking to what I have been advised and following a routine has made my ""life"" better in the sense that I have a routine, there is less of procastrination, ironically, it has also makes me feel more in a vegetative state. Waking up / physical activity / adequate sleep etc might make one ""live"" a better life, but what is the point of just living a better life iykwim, I would rather be in a moderately deranged state, feel more things, react to more things, manifest and do what external stimuli make me do than just being normal and vegetative. Fixing / adhering to a schedule, obeying conclusions derived in counselling do not really imply ""doing"" better",Depression +23913,"My priorities have completely changed, since I was just a kid I use to want to be left alone. To be hated and ignored. I value and love people but for so long I pretended I did not. I want to have relationships with people, but I am completely alone and have no one else to blame. I have been lying to myself for 4 long years. The entire time trying to find my source of suffering, but I think I finally found it. Healing / Have no one else to tell this too",Depression +40433,i can t take my ocd and thing i ve done like played virtual game and had a male friend i feel like a terrible girlfriend also i can t take living here with my parent at almost year old they re abusive mentally but they re right i m never gon na make it in life,Depression +11796,Can you ever be truly happy with depression? I feel like have Week spans where I am in a good mood then the next week I am back to being depressed. Depression and happiness,Depression +14154,"I wrote a song about how painful it is to watch my sister go through depression without having the power to do anything about it but be there for her. It took me months to come up with the words that felt right, so I thought I would share them with you in case anybody needs to vent or express themselves the way I was able to:I have added a link below if you relate to the lyrics and wanted to listen to the song Hurt Anyway - LozHow do you stop the stars from fading?I have tried and I have triedBut I fail every timeWhyd you grow cold and dark like the nighttime?I would give anything to see you shineShine like you used toYou were my night light, darling I have tried to pick you upCos I know you are feeling downBut you hurt anywayHurt anywayHurt anyway, ohI want you to stayWant you to stayWant you to stay, ohTake another stepTake another breathIll take away the painYoure feeling(Feeling)How do you pickPick up the piecesThat were perfect beforeThe sky hit the floorWhy do you howl torment in the nighttime?You shatter my heart, my love how I climbClimb the walls these daysYou are my everythingI have tried to pick you upCos I know you are feeling downBut you hurt anywayHurt anywayHurt anyway, ohI want you to stayWant you to stayWant you to stay, ohTake another stepTake another breathIll take away the painYoure feelingYour fire is burning outAnd I feel powerlessOh, how I ache for youDo I conceal how much I care?Oh, how I ache for youDarling, I break for youBut you hurt anywayHurt anywayHurt anyway, ohI want you to stayWant you to stayNeed you to stay, ohTake another stepTake another breathLet me take away the pain,The pain, the pain[Loz - Hurt Anyway]( Do you relate to my lyrics?",Depression +40193,i tried to make my dream come true trying to make the law school thing work but it just won t happen i just wanted to succeed in law so bad but after the constant humiliation inability to compete with my peer and lack of a discernable future i ve realized i m not intelligent enough to succeed alcohol ha taken over my life recently trying to runaway from all the failure ha me in a drunken stooper most night so a would obviously follow im just thinking about escaping this world leaving it all behind and doing so in a responsible way in which only i would be harmed i m just not cut out for this world i know this with certainty i ve seen enough of life to where i just know im not strong enough to withstand it s horror i want this world to no longer have to deal with me i want no one to ever have to know me,Depression +25853,Every time I start enjoying life or thinks seem okay something happens and fucks everything up and leaves me back to be extremely depressed. Wtf why cannot life leave me alone and let me be happy for once is that too much to fucking ask for Let me be happy for once,Depression +26388,For awhile now I have had a mix of an anxious and empty mood. Some days I feel better than others. I keep busy everyday with my job and hobbies. What bothers me is I have never been diagnosed with anything yet. I had an assessment and they felt it was anxiety at the time. I got a second opinion and same thing. Throughout this I get really vivid dreams and hypnagogic hallucinations. This can be stressful and make it hard to get enough sleep. I have no idea how to get help for this. I deal with this frequently. have not felt myself,Depression +41219,jonnyfx no article on the fact his home wa robbed while he wa at the game and his kid where at home or about his battle with depression nope let twist his one quote about not winning trohpies to drive more hatred journalism these day if you could call it that sickens me,Depression +22102,"TL:DR: nothings going to get better and I again failed in finding loveI always try to keep hope, but it never seems to pan out.i do not see things getting better for me. Not that my situation cannot get better, but I do not see my mental health getting any better. It does not matter if something good happens, it either does not work out or the happiness from it does not last that long and I am back to my normal of being sad for no reason. I read something about how humans have a baseline mood, mix of genes and environment, but basically when nothings bad or good every person has a different level of mood. Mine is low, Ill find a reason to be sad, or I just will be. But reading that made me feel pretty hopeless because the study said that this baseline is pretty stable over your lifetime. Which supports my view that life is just one long hamster wheel of sadness for a lot of people. The latest bout of hope is I met a girl who is really attractive and thought I was too. she is really extroverted, I am not. We had a lot of fun together which culminated in us cuddling all night watching YouTube videos, that gave me hope. But of course it does not work out with her, after that night she ghosted me.This happens a lot, girls think I am physically attractive but for some reason they hate my personality. I am 23, I have never known what love is, just get teased about what it is. I have sex like once a year but I do not care, that is not what I want. I want emotional intimacy. Cuddling with that girl and making jokes with her making her laugh feel just genuinely happy, like a dark cloud parted just for a little. After it was over I was so anxious for 5 days that it would not work out, I could not eat, I was throwing up anything I ate, and of course my fear came true. Now I am just left with a tease of what love is but no idea still what its about. Now I am here, where I normally am, at the butt end of false hope, cannot get this girl out of my head, idk where to meet other girls. Lifes just one big hamster wheel",Depression +11393,"I have been depressed off and on for, Id say 2 years now without fail. It goes away for maybe some hours or days and then I am just back into bad thoughts, baddd feelings. Has anyone recovered from being severely depressed? How did you get better? Is there any success stories out there to help me so I do not lose all hope and do something stupid? Does it ever actually let up?",Depression +7434,I do not know what to do please help How do you deal with constantly feeling nothing at all? i am just overwhelmed,Depression +12498,"I am literally crying so much right now - I have severe anxiety and depression about returning to the office and even just day to day all about my job. I am so completely unhappy with my job, manager & team. They are not understanding of my anxiety in general and that normal job duties (customer service facing) are just so draining/take a lot for me to exert out. I have been going into the office a few times a wk bc of meetings and have to be in for the clients and I am having meltdowns before and during my time in the office. Yesterday I was so dizzy, shaking, and just threw up as soon as I arrived. Today I am crying so much because I have to go in tomorrow. All the while I am trying to fake it when I am office and getting so sick of people asking me how I am when I am not even ok at all. Or when they say its nice to me or ask if I like being back in because absolutely I do not. Since the pandemic I have WFH helping another team out and I have absolutely thrived. I am hoping to transfer but they do not have current roles open and unsure when that will happen. I am trying to last another yr until I move because I cannot financially afford to quit and/or look for another job bc in my city or does not have high paying roles for the most part and I am currently assisting my mom. I am really trying to look at it as only a year but its just soooo daunting. I just cannot",Depression +47624,"I'm different now and it hurts Decided to use one of my many alt accounts and put it to work. My depression used to comes in waves and typically I could handle and channel it into art or music or something but recently this one I haven't been able to shake it and it's killed my productivity. I don't know really what set it off I never do. But in it I've realized alot about myself amongst other things which makes me feel worse. Ill go through some but this ones a biggie. For context I was dating a girl for a while (when it started i was like 15 and she was 18 going on 19) and she was allways emotionally abusive in some form but it all went down hill my junior year when I was 17 she started drinking more often and mixing her meds with it. Long story short she ghosted for like 3 or 4 months and when she did contact me it was pretty much to say she's dumping me and moving to Florida with a ""friend"" she met in college who I have on good report she was cheating on me with. I still haven't emotionally recovered from that mess every negative thing that happened to me has left me afraid of a repeat in my next relationship. Since then my life got worse year after year and it's only just starting to stabilize again. One of those years though has left me blaming myself for getting my grandmother sick during covid leading to her death in 2021. There where other horrible events that lead me to here and now. On new year I decided to try to recapture how I use when I was 15. I was relatively happy I had confidence and drive to try to reach my dreams and personal goals and I had friends and people that loved me. But I cant all those aspects of me just don't last each time I mange to reclaim somepart of my former self something happens to destroy it and leave me worse off. In my attempt to reclaim something I've realized how far I've fallen behind people I considered friends and looked up to. They have great jobs they're chasing their dreams forming families surviving on their own going to college and are making something of themselves and I'm still in our home town working at the local Casey's living in a spare room my stepfather and bio mother had no plans for. I'm not even sure they wanted me here they say they do but I know they didn't want a 20 year old moving inafter being kicked out. It's like no remnants of my former self exists if younger me could see me and realize how much I've changed for the worse he would beat me for wasting time and destroying what little attractiveness we had. I've always realized change was one of those things that are inevitable like death. I've always realized me from 6 years would be different from me now but I just always hoped it'd be for the better and not the worse possible thing to happen to me. The few people I've vented have always told me something about gods testing or he has a plan for me but fuck he must really despise me to make my grandfather (who I lived with from 1 to 20) an abusive drunk who loved yelling screaming and threatening me every chance he got till he kicked me out the day after Christmas put me in an abusive relationship let me get bullied horribly by almost everyone and take away one of the the few people I knew care for me and make her death be on my head. Change is a constant and I've been changed so much that in just I few years that I'm permanently altered and the realization that I can't go back has hurt me far worse then any person can. Sorry to subject you to my ramblings I remembered doing this used to help me and I was hoping it would again but it hasn't. + Sorry for the bother-Mr.E",Depression +41476,emilthedk zebragrun so ist e auf dem gymnasium meiner jung auch zwei m dchen ritzen sich eine mit depression momentan in der klinik zwei jung nicht mehr beschulbar klassenstufen 9 und ef und da wa wir mitbekommen ist sicher nur die spitze de eisbergs e ist furchtbar,Depression +39386,sometimes when i m sitting down usually while thinking about something negative or feeling stressed anxious which mean my breathing is also a bit shallow or slow i suddenly feel a moderately painful pinch zap sensation in my chest that is also felt exactly in my wrist at the same time like the same nerve wa zapped is this something that could be due to anxiety stress i ve had an xray and echocardiogram that both came back normal do any of you also experience this,Depression +20332,"Every morning I wake up an hour before my alarm and toss and turn dreading the day of work to come. I get to work and almost cry some mornings wishing I was anywhere else. Sometimes I feel ok most times I feel like crap. My brain is constantly running and I always feel tired even though I sleep fairly well. When work is over my thoughts instantly go to my next shift and the dread starts over. I lie in bed all day thinking about the job I have to do the next day. My job is not exactly stressful or that bad honestly. There is some manual labor and I stay busy there. I enjoyed it for the first year or so but now every task I am given feels like an overwhelming obstacle. I constantly worry about making mistakes and screwing something up. I have been told numerous times by my bosses and coworkers That I do a great job but I just cannot shake these thoughts. I recently started lexapro 5 mg and it feels like its making it worse so far. I also binge drink heavily on the weekends and I believe that is part of my anxiety too.I have not been eating as much as I used to. I just want to be able to function again, I was fine for so long and all of the sudden a few months ago I started to spiral. I wish I could find a way to fix this. I cannot shut my brain off.",Depression +9388,"I do not want anymore. For years I am trying to get happy , to live a life with meaning , to stop hating my self every single day and wishing for my death . But now I came to accept that all of this is nothing more than just a dream that will never come true . I am tired of trying to get better because it will only get worse in the end . I just want to kill my self an end this circle of torture but I am way to scared . I know I should go to therapy but what is the point . I just want to end it all for good. what is the point",Depression +24864,"I was really depressed before i started taking them, and i felt they helped a lot. Eventually i felt I got what I needed out of them, but now that I have tapered off of them i feel better than ever. Better than before i started tapering. Is this normal? Medication was mirtazapine. Feel better after tapering off of my meds, is this normal?",Depression +25384,"I have been trying to get a therapist but my insurance is bad and the one place I could find was South Jersey Behavioral Health. do not go here. It has taken them a total of four months to get an appointment. They do not pick up the phone and the message box is full. I had to go there in person in May to fill out papers since they do not pick up, wait a month for an intake call, wait a week for a call to set up a real appointment, and when they did not call I go back there in person (again, no picking up phone). Secretaries are just shooting shit with each other and not busy. I ask her to make me an appointment and she says the next appointment is mid August. I asked why it takes so long to get an appointment, she says they are booked. Really, bitch? You guys do not look busy here at all. I just told them I will be taking my business elsewhere (like there is anywhere else), and to go fuck themselves. I came home and filed a complaint to the Better Business Bureau. it is just to give them info; I am not taking legal action.TLDR: Doctors hate me for no reason and no one cares about my mental health. I reported behavioral health place to BBB",Depression +20371,"I guess the (optional) text in this community is not quite *optional* now, is it? Thought I was doing fine for once. Spilled a tiny bit of my drink walking upstairs, did not realise just how thin my tether was today lmao",Depression +40649,floppy 0 atipyque sarahelhairy macron le a noy dans la d pression pour ensuite leur offrir une porte de secours par l amour du b n volat la m me m thode que joseph di mambro sans le soucoupes volantes,Depression +41254,this is the first time i ve cried since december last year it s a powerful feeling emotion run strong i m wired different since i have autism so i react differently and can take depression and sadness easier than most but this hit me hard af,Depression +38777,been noticing i ve been doing a lot of pacing back and forth lately been trying to think of way to make extra cash and such after being let go from my job now i m starting to think what if i have adhd or is it just anxiety do you guy pace back and forth sometimes when thinking,Depression +21965,"Often when my mood is low I have a lot of trouble making food for myself and eating. it is not that I am not hungry, I am just so tired and the fatigue outweighs the hunger.Then of course, it becomes a cycle. The less (nutritious) food I eat, the more depressed/tired I feel. The more depressed I feel, the less I want to eat. Pre-made or take out food is easier but it is still challenging to actually sit down and eat it. It helps if I eat with a friend but obviously that is not something routine. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to consume healthy meals when your depression is strong? How can I motivate myself to eat? Depression makes it hard to eat",Depression +39069,so i have a stutter and i ve always been insecure about it i wa with my best friend and his friend and his friend made fun of someone s stutter because he s not aware i stutter this made me realize how easy it is to make fun of people behind their back i felt really bad that night and started cry when i got home cause it made me realize i didn t know who wa being real with me and i felt a tho i wa devalued flash to today and it wa still bugging me but i realized something those people aren t exclusively making fun of people like me but making fun of a lot more than a stutter people are made fun of for stutter tic religion sexuality lisp appearance and more i realized it s not my problem to worry about them and most people that make fun of others will show themselves with time and real nice people will never do that this made me content and i wa happy i forgot about it for the most part and went about my business but i posted something to reddit about it and someone said they had a similar experience and it lead to going into psychosis and being paranoid about people talking badly about them this made me almost have a panic attack when i wa eating with my parent because going psychotic is one of my biggest fear ever since then i ve felt so anxious it took a good 0 0 minute to calm myself down and not be on the edge of a panic attack ever since then i can t shake this thought but now for a different reason instead of worrying who s judging me i m worrying if i believe it i ve had this fear before but when it s bad it get so bad it feel like i m already psychotic even tho i m not and today wa one of those day it feel like the thought you believe if fact and i have terrible depersonalization this ha happened time before this and normally after a good sleep my anxiety tone down a bit but since this is a little different and it started out without that anxiety doe that mean i am going crazy instead of thinking anyone is judging me i keep asking myself if i think these specific people at my work would judge me idk why once again that wa cause ocd started to ob on it now but since i had this thought before ocd doe it mean i m going crazy or am i sane since i m worrying so much about it,Depression +13817,"I am depressive, anxious, and ADHD as hell and last year I moved in with my bestfriends family to get my life together. I have sat on my ass for a year, I mean I worked and what not, but I really got complacent and now I haft to have a conversation with them about doing better. I am going to do better and I Hope in a few months I will come back and see this post and be able to checkin with myself about how much better I am doing. &#x200B;I want to save this relationshipMy lifeIts run away from me for 28 years, and I am tired of watching it happen. I want to be better and I need to be. Depressed ADHD person trying to get their life together",Depression +23840,"I am sure I will get ""you are too young to be posting here"" or something like that but I have not been feeling great for a long time now. I do not exactly have no friends but I am nobody's beat friend. I feel as if I am just there and nobody cares about me. Nobody talks to me. Also, school is too painful for me, it is just an 8 hour day of stress, sadness and suffering. I am doing horribly in school and feel as if my life will go to crap at 18 or something worse could happen before then. Ever since I went to secondary school, I feel as if I lost everyone that actually cared about me from primary school. I no longer have the energy to do what I want, I do not eat enough, barely get any sleep and just feel sad all the time. I stress way too much and I recently lost a friend because they did not believe that I was depressed. I am not sure about anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should jump in front of a car, would probably make everyone is lifes easier. Obviously this probably is not too big of a deal and I am just overthinking it but I am not sure. 1st time posting here and already feel nervous to press post. I am 14, have not felt happiness in a while.",Depression +20277,"Self centred, selfish, rude and money hungry. Never trying to understand the others persons struggles because its easier to judge. Nobody cares man. Over people",Depression +25703,"I have reached a point where I know I need help. School has taken so much of a toll on my mental health that I am stressed and anxious all the time. I am crying myself to sleep many nights for no reason at all, and pretend nothing happened the next morning. I do not mean to offend anyone by attempting to self-diagnose, but I am really starting to consider depression. I just wish I could stop existing for a while. I really do not want to die, I have too much to live for... people who need me, and I need them too. But sometimes it feels like the only escape. I want to tell them so much, and ask for their help, but I just do not know how. I am so tired of this... Rant/How can I ask for help?",Depression +26947,"Once you get disillusioned about life. you are not longer able to believe in having relationship, that is not based on some superficial. Once happy hormones disappear and you are not longer young and pretty, or you no longer enjoy the hobby that you both shared, problems start brewing. Family for me is an empty word. Most of my jobs sucked big time. I no longer believe in love. You have to fight with everyone and pretend to be someone else. At work you need to professional when all you want to do is scream and leave that place immediately. While socializng you need to be bubbly and talkative, even tho you are fucking introvert and prefer to listen. While driving you need to avoid bullies, that have no regards for others. I am tired. Life is dull",Depression +47535,"I can't cry anymore I have so many thoughts and emotions i want to get out somehow but I can't even cry, I feel so numb.",Depression +10382,"I am 27M and I have been feeling depressed for as long as I remember, I cannot recall what it is like not feeling this way. However, I was never officially diagnosed. I have always said to myself I am just sad, lonely or whatever. Now I am scared to go. Scared that there is actually nothing wrong with me and this is who I am. Scared that I cannot be fixed and will be like this forever. Majority of depression stories have some kind of trigger, some kind of trauma. I had nothing, my childhood was fine, I was not bullied, no one died when was I young. These thoughts and feelings of sadness, numbness, apathy just slowly creeped over me and now have swallowed me whole. Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me. Things that I used to escape no longer help. Due to these feelings and my social anxiety I never developed any close friendships and/or romantic relationships. I keep wanting to talk to someone but there is no one really to talk to. And, hell, even if there was, I have no idea how to talk about this. At this point I feel like I will be alone till the end. And maybe that is for the better, no one deserves to be stuck with a loser like me. I let it get to this point, I do not deserve love, I am not owed anything. Anyway, I do not know why I wrote this. Just wanted to vent I guess. I am scared I am making it all up",Depression +11312,"The fact that me breaking down in the middle of lunch with my family, crying and them calling it ""drama"" because I get scolded for almost everyday, seems no one wants to come near me. Even my siblings feel the same towards me. Yo know what is worse than losing trust to your partner, losing trust from your own family. And that is the most depressing feeling ever",Depression +19263,"My mothers emotional abuse, my fathers neglect, the sexual assault, the unrelenting bullying, the inability to make friends, the overwhelming depression and anxiety all of these caused me to miss out on both my childhood and teen years. I wish I could start over because I already fucked up. I am now 19 and I did not get to experience so much. I have no dreams, no aspirations, only regrets about what I could not do. I just want to end my life and start over again, to avoid the mistakes I committed in this life, to finally be happy. I wish I could start over",Depression +39450,weird phrasing for clarity post not being taken down seriously how do i cope there s a lot of trigger caused by individual everywhere including medium and online by the misinformation they spread it s gaslighting to constantly see and hear fake information that contradicts my experience a a survivor how do i cope with this i know if anything fall through i will receive false promise of aid to waste my time i know i will be told i m seeking attention i know i will be told that i m the abuser how do i cope with this a a survivor i will be posting this wherever i can because i guess some subreddits do not help with this for some reason,Depression +21124,"I have never behaved like this. I have no clue what is happening to me and I am really scared. My mind is spiraling down to a really dark place and I am beginning to overthink about everything. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am the most useless and boring human being that ever existed on this planet. I feel so fucking isolated from everyone and everything, like I am not even really here, I feel like someone is living my life instead of me. Everyone pretends to care when they really do not give a fuck. How could I trust people when I cannot even trust myself? When I am sabotaging my own happiness and making things worse for myself with my own fucking thoughts. When I promised I would never try to hurt myself again and yet here I am, with a knife in my hand, cuts and bruises all over my body. I feel like I am turning completely fucking insane and idk what to do. Idk how to distract myself, how to make them stop. I just want to stop thinking. I miss being numb. I think I am turning insane",Depression +8637,"The past few weeks I have been feeling really bad just for no reason, and recently I developed an extreme hatred for myself. Like inside of me splits into half and half of me take myself as my own enemy. I talked to my GP, my counsellor and the Samaritans, I take the tablets and tried suggestions they gave me but it all did not work really well. Like those things only help me at that moment but in the end it all comes back to where it was and started draining me out. I try to keep myself calm during the day but at night while everyone is asleep that is when I get extremely mad at myself like I am losing my mind. I have to bite/cut myself so the pain calms me down but I know this is not right and cannot be a long-term solution. Please if someone has gone through something similar let me know how you have overcome this? Thank you so much. Can someone give me advice please..?",Depression +15421,Its like I am really aware that my heart is beating. But like it hurts where my heart is and every time my heart beats it hurts a little bit more. It comes in waves like my heart beats. Its like anxiety.. like what you feel when you fall up the stairs in that split second and your entire body kind of drops for a second. It feels like that in my heart with the waves and heart beats constantly. Its like anxiety and sadness mixed. I hate it so much. I am going to try my best to explain the pain I am feel right now.,Depression +12932,Now I just wish I had a shoulder to cry into. To hold someone is hand or have someone hug me. I do not even care if they only see me as income and not a real human. I am just tired of holding my own hand as I fade into sleep. I can pretend they care. First time I heard that there were people who pay people to cuddle with them because they are so lonely I laughed.,Depression +14208,I have been suffering for months with depression and bad anxiety. It seems never ending I live in the UK it is gorgeous weather here at the moment and I sit there everyone is having fun and I feel like crying its soul destroying. Everyday is exactly the same,Depression +14626,"Its hard to go day by day lacking confidence and not liking yourselffrom your body to your personality. And I know, I am supposed to practice self-love and pull myself up from the bootstraps but I do not know how. Just lacking motivation, confidence and self-love all at once. I am a mess I was so happy before the pandemic & now I just hate myself",Depression +25374,"I am 16, I previously had suicidal thoughts and fantasies but I no longer have them. I have had low self esteem, self image issues, and depression in general for years now. I drink alcohol to help cope with my issues which does work. I think the thoughts went away because I am more interested in a relationship even tho I have never had a girlfriend. But could the thoughts ever return out of nowhere? I no longer have suicidal thoughts but will they come back?",Depression +41263,depression grippe ac,Depression +39980,my boyfriend then dad and mom passed away all within a year of each other i have tried to move on but the grief is immense also i just lost my job and am about to run out of money i just can t take it anymore and i want to be with my family who i loved very much i have a plan and am thinking about going to the desert where no one would find me this is sad and i can t even afford a therapist anymore because insurance is too expensive i m not ok,Depression +37838,so i had a really really rough childhood growing up my parent were abusive to me and i lived in an area where i got into a lot of fistfight trying to make it to the next day wa the hardest battle i attempted suicide by trying to hang myself when i wa i think the attempt failed however it left me with some minor brain damage i have a very difficult time trying to remember thing and think about thing sometimes at time it feel like i can t even read english it just doesn t click with me i ll sit and stare at it for like minute at a time before i finally understand it a for the memory issue i have a difficult time recalling some thing that have happened i will completely forget about something that happened say minute ago that most people would instantaneously remember anyway so i ve been feeling extremely strange lately i moved away from my parent after i turned and now i live in a completely different state and i am doing much better but i feel like i m still there i feel the aura of my childhood house it felt heavy if that make sense something keep weighing me down i m also smelling food that aren t being cooked food that i used to eat when i wa there i smelled a very strong scent of digiornio s pizza earlier but nobody here wa cooking it i ve also been sleeping in through the day and waking up at night so this weird feeling is intensified by like 0 time everything feel so dreamlike and liminal i can t tell the difference between reality and fiction anymore why doesn t anything feel real am i wrong to distrust my eye ha anyone else felt this way it would bring me great comfort to know that i am not alone,Depression +8097,"there is always been something wrong with me , I did not learn quick enough,did not pick up simple skills until years later than most people I am 27 years old and do not feel like a functioning adult at all I have to concentrate and stress just to complete simple tasks like a child walking around in a mature body , I am married now and trying to support us but failing,she deserves so much better than me i know deep down I will continue to let us down. A life spent beating your head against a wall is no life at all I am terrified of dying but even more scared of living like this and even worse dragging the people I care about down with me. I just want people to know I REALLY tried,I quit all the drugs and drinking and threw myself into menial jobs and took all the overtime I could get,I did excersise and ate well ,tried to pick up hobbies even though I am useless with no skills I tried to make it work with this broken fucking brain but I am just not cut out for this world.what is wrong with me was wrong from the beginning and is wrong all the way through me . I am so tired and just want to let go,the burden of being a worthless deadweight is too much I know if I end it people I love will get hurt but surely I will hurt them more inadvertently blundering through life the way I am . I am defective",Depression +11663,"I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD around three years ago, though I would estimate I had struggled with it for much longer. 24 FI had an emotionally abusive father who gaslighted me and emotionally manipulated me into thinking that I am crazy for being upset by his actions and words.After cutting most of my contact with him, only seeing him on rare occasions, I began doing better. I got a degree and am working full time in education. I have a healthy relationship and I am doing alright for myself. I have been going to therapy for three years now and resolved many problems. I do not cut anymore and I do not drink myself into oblivion. Yet, I find myself here tonight. I got a message from him today. He does it occasionally. The other day it was a call to ask why I am so scarce these days. I tell him I am busy with work. When I see a message from him, I do not want to answer. I want anything else in the world but to answer him. I have this overwhelming urge to cut. To escape. Just for a second. Into that crevice in my skin. Into the pain. Away from the world. Into the silence of that moment. When I speak to my Mom and siblings it feels like my feelings are a burden to them. Their attitude resembles: ""Ugh, really? Not this again. Your sadness is an inconvenience to me, so please stop.""I guess I just wanted to share my feelings to someone who will understand and rather say: ""I am sorry that you feel that way, I am sorry that you are in pain."" I am alright... at least, I will be tomorrow. For now, I will drift into sleep and let the darkness consume me and lull me to sleep. Good night reddit. The darkness came to visit tonight",Depression +39426,hi y all i m currently struggling a lot to do my homework i ve been sitting at my desk for the last probably hour just staring at my laptop and my textbook and i ve barely gotten anything done and the more i think about everything i have to get done the more anxious and overwhelmed i get and the le i can do and it s getting really late and i m exhausted and just want to sleep but i can t go to sleep until i get everything done but i just don t feel able to do anything anymore doe anyone have advice help suggestion,Depression +26356,I am a student and work part-time.Today my professor shamed infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time. I need help to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much due to covid. I do not know what to do.I feel hopeless. I do not know how to show my face again in class. I am feeling so ashamed. I will be grateful to anyone who can help. I got shamed infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time,Depression +21027,"I cannot see my life without my dog, she is my angel and light. I do not have friends so much in the usual sense, I have been burned by love in ways I cannot explain, its been a miserable spring.. I am empty, and I simply do not know if she is going to make it, or what I am going to do without her. She had an accident, so there was no preparing to lose her like this. How am I supposed to live without her?",Depression +25058,"Everyone thinks my childhood was so perfect and all rainbows, therefore I am not allowed to have childhood trauma. Honestly they are right, its not like my parents are divorced or anything. I am not allowed to have childhood trauma.",Depression +21080,"I am not feeling the way I felt in the past. I am scared of calling it depression because most people think of my actions as ""just for attention"" and that I am overreacting. It is always the same words ""You are a man you should be..."". Everyday I am feeling more and more detached from reality, like I know I should not be like that, that I should not feel like this during certain times but I just cannot help it. what is even worse I feel like I do not want this pain to go away. I often cry at night thinking how great it is to just feel the strongest feeling in the world, the sadness. Girlfriend is getting angry at me because of the way I act, She wants normal life not some ""pussy"" that gets anxiety attacks over the smallest things. I feel like I am burden for her and the way she does not understand me makes me think question our relationship. Family understands only basic things just as the girlfriend, they do not understand how I can be stressed over future, how anxiety makes me unable to do certain tasks, how THEY can be the reason I developed some fears. At this point I do not know who is right, do I really have the right to feel like this? or maybe they are right that I just create my own problems? I would really like to be alone or at least have some one who understands these random bursts of fear and sadness and does not question the way I am. Please share your experiences with people like me or If you are like me, how did you fix it? Just Thoughts",Depression +13191,"""Stop praying.What I want you to do is go out into the world and enjoy your life. I want you to sing, have fun and enjoy everything I have made for you.Stop going into those dark, cold temples that you built yourself and saying they are my house. My house is in the mountains, in the woods, rivers, lakes, beaches. that is where I live andthere I express my love for you.Stop blaming me for your miserable life; I never told you there was anything wrong with you or that you were a sinner, or that your sexuality was a bad thing. Sex is a gift I have given you and with which you can express your love, your ecstasy, your joy. So do not blame me for everything they made you believe.Stop reading alleged sacred scriptures that have nothing to do with me. If you cannot read me in a sunrise, in a landscape, in the look of your friends, in your son's eyes... you will find me in no book!Stop asking me ""will you tell me how to do my job?"" Stop being so scared of me. I do not judge you or criticize you, nor get angry, or bothered. I am pure love.Stop asking for forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. If I made you... I filled you with passions, limitations, pleasures, feelings, needs, inconsistencies... free will. How can I blame you if you respond to something I put in you? How can I punish you for being the way you are, if I am the one who made you? Do you think I could create a place to burn all my children who behave badly for the rest of eternity? What kind of god would do that?Respect your peers and do not do what you do not want for yourself. All I ask is that you pay attention in your life, that alertness is your guide.My beloved, this life is not a test, not a step on the way, not a rehearsal, nor a prelude to paradise. This life is the only thing here and now and it is all you need.I have set you absolutely free, no prizes or punishments, no sins or virtues, no one carries a marker, no one keeps a record.You are absolutely free to create in your life. Heaven or hell. I cannot tell you if there is anything after this life but I can give you a tip. Live as if there is not. As if this is your only chance to enjoy, to love, to exist.So, if there is nothing after, then you will have enjoyed the opportunity I gave you. And if there is, rest assured that I will not ask if you behaved right or wrong, I will ask. Did you like it? Did you have fun? What did you enjoy the most? What did you learn?...Stop believing in me; believing is assuming, guessing, imagining. I do not want you to believe in me, I want you to believe in you. I want you to feel me in you when you kiss your beloved, when you tuck in your little girl, when you caress your dog, when you bathe in the sea.Stop praising me, what kind of egomaniac God do you think I am?I am bored being praised. I am tired of being thanked. Feeling grateful? Prove it by taking care of yourself, your health, your relationships, the world. Express your joy! that is the way to praise me.Stop complicating things and repeating as a parakeet what you have been taught about me.What do you need more miracles for? So many explanations?The only thing for sure is that you are here, that you are alive, that this world is full of wonders."" I found a beautiful write-up on the Internet somewhere, it is in the perspective of god or whoever else you believe in.",Depression +38378,i little personal reflection here i guess i ve been working so hard to not want to kill myself trying to give myself space to heal while also when possible pushing myself to get back to life and i ve been doing amazingly going from my day being filled with trying to not want to die to actually cleaning my appartment and doing thing the last couple of week have definitely been a relapse of my pet who we re the reason i wa keeping myself alive and getting out of bed in my deepest moment have died within the same month in dramatic way i ve been trying to keep my head above water and to keep doing what i m suppose to do and the longer i tried to do it the more i went back to feeling like life is a never ending cycle of doing the same shit thing till you die i ve been feeling more and more again like it doesn t matter how hard i try and today it just became to much i m sitting here alone in this messy appartment that i m never gon na get under controle my partner is out all day and i just feel pain being alive again so i selfharmed again after month of not wanting to do it nothing serious or permantly damaging i ve never done something permanently damaging it felt both deliberating and just sad deliberating cause it did help me and calmed me down in the moment sad because you never wan na have to do this to stay alive and okay enough i don t really feel guilty or bad about doing it relapsing can happen right two step forward step back and i guess i also feel calmer about it knowing that i did get myself on a upward slope so that mean i can get myself there again so i guess i feel hopefull while feeling like this so i guess i m not doing well but i ve been getting back from worse,Depression +25574,"Hello to whoever's reading this. Just a little something about me:HI, I am Noah- I am 15 years old. I live in a place outside of a city called Manchester in the North-West of England. I do not have any hobbies, I just sit in my bedroom all day. Bored- wondering if this life is even worth living anymore. Where I live is dull and depressing. I live in a small box house, shit weather nearly all year round, it is not particularly clean. People do not seem to have a smile on their faces at all. My parents are both clueless and do not understand how I feel when I gain the courage to come out to them about my emotions. The old activities I used to do no longer interest me. Gaming, photography, going to watch a Football team called Manchester City play, going on walks. I sometimes drink or cut to relive some of the pain but everything just seems black and white. Everyone else's life seems so much better than mine. Everyone seems to have hobbies, success, wealth, loving and understanding parents / family, very rare occasions where they are in a bad mood.My girlfriend (Farrah) has helped me through my depressive episodes.Just a little about her: she is 15 years old. She lives in the US, Tennessee. In a huge house with a large, loving/ supportive family. Her and her family is full of success. She has hobbies like basketball and softball, she is very sociable and understanding, she is going to the best high school in her state. she is very lucky to live the life she has but I think she just takes it for granted. She is so precious and beautiful. she is perfect to me. She is the reason I am still alive today. Sometimes, (possibly due to my depression) at an instant I can just- Turn off- even at little triggers or at random sometimes. I feel my emotions can sometimes hurt her due to her living such a perfect / ideal lifestyle. She already had a car by the time she was 14 so I guess that puts it into perspective how amazing her life is. We both live in completely different areas, we are opposites in personality so I just sometimes think she does not understand what its like to be me. When I cut myself. it hurts her. When I drink. It hurts her. When I talk to her about my emotions, she says it does not hurt her but deep down I feel it does- I do not want to be the one ruining her mood or life when it is absolutely perfect to me. I do not want to spoil that for her. I just really need help. I cannot stop worrying about how I am possibly affecting her. I need to find ways to stop making shit so boring, I just need help because I do not see myself living any longer with these kinds of emotions affecting me. I need a way to find the colour in life.Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Sorry if this did not make sense or if it sounded rushed. I just wanted to get it out there and for someone to listen to. Thank you. Why is everything so boring, dull and meaningless?",Depression +11255,Does anybody else joke about their depression so that people around you do not stress or worry about your mental state?or is that just me? Is this relatable?,Depression +18377,"Tired of it all, its hard. I have had enough. I failed a lot of people. Ig Ill see how I feel in the morning but its just been a downhill battle this month. No idea how to go about it but I may kill myself soon.",Depression +17549,"So, yesterday I had a car accident, It was definitely my fault, I am on clonazepam but I am not sure if that could be the reason why I did not ser the car comming, I lost around $600 that were for the floor of my house that is broken, I do not know how to stop feeling like crap, I have been driving since 8 years and this is the first time I hace an accident, I feel useless, irresponsible, incapable of just be normalI hate this depression Feeling like crap",Depression +11359,"I have battled with depression my whole life and I am realizing now that its not even the depression I am fighting anymore. I have realized that I truly have no place in this world. I do not belong anywhere, I am not loved by anyone, I am not doing anything but taking up space and burdening people. I think its time for me to go. I have no place in this world.",Depression +25366,"i just hate my life so much...i want it to end, all the suffering and all the fking pain that everyone gives me, I am sick of getting betrayed and made fun of, i just hate everything about me, thank you for those who turned me like i am now, i fking hate everything and most of all i hate mysekf, nothing on me is good or even fucking normal...I am just shit at everything, i should just cut my wrist and end it...there is not anything to keep me here... Should i start cutting again...",Depression +18974,\-do not know how to socialize\-do not have almost any friend irl\-no talents\-no job\-no interest\-no confidence\-ugly\-short\-not intelligent\-not kind\-still live wiht my parents\-too lazy to practice self-care\-too anxious how to do even basic things like buying stuff\-not even able to do therapy properlyZero qualities. i think there is literally nothing good about me.,Depression +26924,"Everything I touch, burns to pieces. I have all of these unachievable dreams, all of this optimism. But I never get it right. Everyone that comes in my life, ends up abandoning me. I am alone again. Like I always am. Just when I thought things would be different, they are not. I try to run away from the edge, but everyday keeps pushing me closer and closer.And I am tired. I am tired of trying. I have done the therapies, they are too expensive to keep up with. I have done the self care, the meditations, the trying again and fucking again. I have stayed around for my family. But its hurting so much to be here.And this is where I am at. Floating. Waiting to go. Waiting to end it. Why do I fuck up everything",Depression +48002,"Being Lonely isn't a Shame Being Lonely is not a shame, it is a period and it will pass, but the shame is that you stay Lonely all your life and do not get out of this hell",Depression +18964,I just do not know whether there is any point in going on as it seems so helpless that Ill ever be in the mental head space that I want to be again. Just free from worry and getting on with my life just seems so unrealistic now. Will I ever be happy again,Depression +23501,I cannot do anything. I am pathatic worthless garbage. No one likes me. And i do not deserve to be liked. I am just a burden. I should just kill myself. I am just a burden.,Depression +19257,i cannot bring myself to clean my room. i have not put sheets on my bed in weeks. and when i do sleep there I have been sleeping on the mattress protector. i need to clean my room but I am almost afraid and i do not know why. i have not slept comfortably in so long but i cannot take the steps. i sleep on the couch most nights. even then i cannot put away my laundry so i end up sleeping on the couch with my clean clothes. it is like I am finding every excuse not to sleep or go in my room and it is driving me crazy. i start to think of all the damage i could be causing myself but i do not care enough to fix it. i do not know why i do these things to myself,Depression +24826,My baby is 14 years old. She has not eaten in 4 days and is very week right now. We do not want her in any pain so I do not feel bad about making the choice to let her go but I have had this dog since I was 6. she is this itty bitty yorkie poo named Molly. I have been away from university for a year and have not been able to visit home much because of the pandemic. I feel so guilty because I have not been there for her in her last year. Ill be honest I am worried I might self harm or cope in some bad ways. I cannot picture never being able to snuggle her again or never putting her out to pee and calling her back in again. I think were putting down my dog today,Depression +20467,I have been trying to help people here. And i thought maybe getting people to tell about their stories might help I want to help people here. Tell what makes you depressed i could help.,Depression +26127,"I absolutely despise people that say ""do not worry things will change it will all be good""Because it is a lie, if you keep with that mentality of things will change I just need to wait for that big change nothing will ever change, your life will be the same shithole over and over again and that is insane, if you want to do something if you wish for something do not wait for it, fight for it do not let anything defeat you because at the end when you are an old man of fucking 80 90 years you will regret everything you will say why I did not do this why I did not learn that, if you want something that is achievable fight for it and do not give up, if you do your life it is fucked, so you want to be a social monster fight for it, it might be horrible at first but at the end you will achieve your goals, life will not give you something easy if something can go wrong it will so even if your life looks like the worst shit of all things you can change it you just need to fight for it. This was not wrote by me this was from you/guillegoky13 Well a friend of mine wrote this for someone in a similar situation as the ones using this subreddit and I think we should share it with some of you",Depression +18903,"I have to drive to a meeting in an hour. Hoping a semi truck takes me out. Life is mostly just needless suffering with short, momentary moments that are not terrible",Depression +40639,dianaisabela markus lanz nataklitschko s vitvitska jakluge fiedelseb wir m ssen darauf achten das wir im herzen den sonnenschein nicht verlieren dauerhafte traurigkeit depression u aggression macht krank und dann kriegen die un am ende doch noch hab sonne im herzen ob s st rmt oder schneit,Depression +10245,just makes me feel worse. why cannot i make myself happy if its so fucking easy. i cannot comprehend how people do not feel this way. getting told how happy i make other people,Depression +39466,i don t know if this is the right place to write this but before quarantine 0 9 i just thought i wa an introvert and just a very organized and methodic person but then on quarantine i started to realize that i seem to get a lot more anxious than most people and always keep thinking about stuff that happened a second ago always think about what someone s thinking about me if i did or said something wrong always think about everything that can go wrong everywhere i go memorizing the menu a week before etc and i thought the problem for a big part of the anxiety wa online class and being stuck at home with my parent they re nice tho so when i finally got to go do an exchange semester abroad i get to be outside all the time i meet new people gt the freaking anxiety is still here and that make me think that nothing is gon na make it go away but i need it to go away cause i feel like i am an introvert but i make one wrong move i just go from quiet introvert to weird and lose all the people i met i mean met that s really the right word because i just can t seem to do the right thing i don t know some of my roommate that got here the same week a me go out every night with friend and i m just stuck at the same awkward convo phase and it s not like that i scared to talk to people or i don t like talking to people i do it s just when i come back home i start to rethink every single word that i said and blame myself for the smalled little mistake i m just really lost sometimes i think what i do how i think is normal but then it doesn t i didn t even know what anxiety wa until a year or so ago so,Depression +41142,i wish i could find a way to live without these voice in my head but if i lose my only companion i would be better off dead depression poetry poem mentalhealth,Depression +20819,"that is just how I feel. I just feel like giving up, not even trying to get better anymore, just killing and burying all of my dreams and give up on life and let anything that must happen just happen.I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never get far, I will always be short of everything I ever longed for, and I do not know why I should try if I am sure I am going to fail. Even if I do not fail, even if I do manage to make it, I feel like nothing's going to be fixed anyway, there are things that just will not go away no matter what I achieve.So I just feel like giving up at times, feel like not studying or working anymore, or trying to keep friendships going or any of my hobbies going, just lay in bed all day long and do absolutely nothing, after all, no matter what I do nothing makes me feel better for any decent amount of time.I am sorry for feeling this way, because I know many would not want me to, surely those reading as well, but I cannot help it, and those people who once cared are not around anymore, they have abandoned me. Giving up is tempting",Depression +38458,there are so many time where i feel the need to ask for help and i just try to push through it by myself because i know people are struggling with their own stuff i am tired of feeling like i need other people but also not feeling like i can be self sustaining idk,Depression +7163,"I think I have been depressed for a little over 5 years now, and as I am returning to the world due to COVID winding down in my area, I am starting to see how the isolation and negative thoughts are affecting me physically and emotionally. I finally went to get my drivers license a little less than a month ago, and on the way to take the road test I just started feeling awful, like I the weight of the world was bearing down on me, slowly crushing me. I felt my limbs go numb and the urge to vomit was creeping in along with tears beginning to cloud the edges of my vision. I have never felt as out of control of my body as I did that day it was definitely a first for me. I have never had a good outlet for all the feelings I suppress, and its awful to feel that you cannot trust those closest to you; I love my parents deeply, but I cannot trust them with the truth and it would only make them worry. Oddly I have found that self flagellation helps calm my mind, I get no pleasure from it, and I do not beat myself bloody, but pain helps me focus and take my mind away from darker trains of thought. I am going to be applying for a job in a few days and that is what is currently the main source of stress in my life right now. If I land the job it will mean moving away to pursue the work, but on the other hand I think getting away from my family and having my own space will ultimately do me some good in the long haul. I cannot fail afford to fail here, I need to keep moving forward.I do not really want to die, I just want the pain to stop. Crossroads",Depression +26184,"I was dx w depression in 2007 and have been taking medications for the past several years that seem to be working okay. Not great, not terrible. Could possibly use some reeval. I lost my job in 3/2020 and was unemployed for 6 months, then lost that new job, and therefore my health insurance, in 4/2021 due to chronic health issues. I am currently working a seasonal temp job and cannot receive health insurance through it. I am not making enough money to afford private health insurance. I have been struggling with the most recent episode of MDE for a few months, and it has slowly been worsening as I am not not able to get my meds for either physical or mental diseases. I am completely out of energy and willpower to do anything: take a shower, make food, take a walk, color my coloring books. The longer this goes on, the less I am able to help myself to fight it. I am literally living to wake up to sit around and go back to sleep again. Need Help with No Insurance",Depression +40318,people in the past day have told me i m not doing enough i m not good enough i m trying my best if my best is causing me so much stress and pain what s the point of living i m nothing after all therapy doesn t help because i m far too socially anxious for it and i can t get medication because i can t go to therapy every reliever or thing that make me happy either doesn t anymore or i don t have time for i can t fucking doing it anymore,Depression +26845,i keep swaying back and forth and tears keep filling my eyes i have never been so alone in my whole life. i never thought id be alone like this and isolated it is a constant battle to hold the tears back and not feel like just laying down and going to sleep i feel so tired and just give up nobody wants anything to do with me or wants to be my friend i feel so invisible i do not want to be around anymore do not want to live this same repeating day over and over again of constantly being alone anymore. somebody please talk to me acknowledge i exist please I am begging you anybody. i do not know what to do anymore I am lost and so alone,Depression +11664,"The past few days going onto a week I have been having weird and sometimes scary dreams, they are never the same. One was me being trapped in my old school with my bullies and I could not move, another was me being semi-lucid within my dream to the point I could kind of walk but I had no idea where I was, these weird dreams are coming out of nowhere and they are really messing with my depression, if anyone could give me helpful advice, I really need it. Weird/Scary Dreams",Depression +38737,i ve literally never changed my hairstyle it s just been a trim on top and on side but recently i ve started going out more and a few people i ve met out ha said to me that getting a medium fade cut would look good i ve always had a problem with barber though i have to go in about 0 minute before it close on a friday a that s the least busy time i only ask for the same cut because i hate making change how do i word it what do i say when i come in having a script in my head make thing easier cheer,Depression +39483,i ve been on this for week and still barely have an appetite i even got nauseous going to the grocery store today is this normal ha anyone else experienced this it s been great for my mood and communication but it mess with my diet i don t even want to consume food really keep in mind though i did used to emotionally eat,Depression +40434,i ll have all the equipment by thursday i ve worked out how much rent to send my flatmate to cover a couple month i m getting rid of my clothes by the end of the week i ve written some letter and am going to print out a sheet of my important detail i m dreading it so much but i also can t wait time feel so slow and agonising and every time i fall asleep i think what a waste it is to be unconscious and not die in that comfort i don t feel like anyone will miss me but the hard part is i don t want anyone to have to deal with any admin i don t want anyone to have to plan anything it ll be good to go but i hate the fact that someone will have to clean after me i wish i could just disappear instead life is really hard and i don t know how people do it i never understood how people make friend or fall in love or make other people like them i watch people learn to hate me and i don t know what i m doing wrong or how to stop it i ve been alone for my life even my parent didn t want me and i ll be alone for the rest of it if i stay alive i wish i had something good to offer that people liked but i don t know what anyone want or how to give it to them i don t know what they hate either apparently because i m giving them that without even realising,Depression +14928,"Maybe its just me alone in this but it feels like both the job market and the housing market are so inexplicably fucked. I am 23 years old and still live with my fucking family because no matter what fucking job I get I do not make enough fucking money to live in this shit hole of a town. Tried to apply for something better with my degree and instead I just hear Jack shit back. No apartments or homes available for rent are anywhere near my price range, and I just cannot move out of town because that costs money I do not fucking have. This close to ending it all, because there is no way out. Fuck it all Everything is so fucked",Depression +24254,"I wake up feeling really down and proceed to go about my day feeling really depressed and not being able to do much. I curl up in the evenings and just lie on my bed feeling like complete crap over my body, how I will never be the girl I want to be and then I will spend half the night in tears not being able to sleep. I find this really takes a toll in my relationship with my boyfriend and this leads to more fights because I am distant or that I seem uninterested.I really wish I could have a minute of peace, even doing activities rarely takes my mind off of all the dysphoria. How to cope with day to day gender dysphoria?",Depression +39895,my girlfriend finally left me my depression drove our relationship into ruin it also drove my relationship with my family into the ground i feel so hopeless i feel so much sorrow and so much rage toward myself i m not emotionally stable one negative thing can put my mental state so deep in the negative i don t know what to do anymore but killing myself i feel tired all the time i try to work for something but then i fail and can t pick it back up cause of my exhaustion why is it so painful watching the people you love leave knowing you can t blame anyone but yourself and they think i m not trying hard enough or i dont care about them i just can t win the battle in my head with my depression and my anxiety i wa never religious but i started praying for god lately to end my life please i just want to go and rest i just want to be at peace,Depression +18575,"Idk this pandemic and the way my life is going has me thinking, ""when do I just do it?"" I have lived alone for the first time in my life since may 2020. I am a 31m that makes a decent living but starting working from since May of last year and just feel like I am a complete waste of life and space. My only friend is my Mom who I talk to like 4-5 hours a week. I have not felt joy in many years and do not see it coming back. I tried to see mental help professionals but the video calling therapy does not do it for me and it is been impossible to set up an in person visit. How do you know when it is time?",Depression +39388,i am year old and i finallly came to the conclusion that i need help with anxiety i signed up for therapy and will have my first session in a couple of day prior to the therapy session i met with a prescriber to discus medication they recomended starting me off on zoloft or lexapro in general i tend to think of medication a a last resort not just for thing like this but in all aspect for example i rarely used medinces perscribed to me for pain after surgery and would only use them if absolutely necesarry i don t even like taking ibuprofen for a headache unless it is unbearable given that i am trying to figure out whether or going on anxiety medication is necessary for me or not i am worried about going on something for the rest of my life and am a little concerned about the side effect on the other hand i have been reading some post on here about how much med helped people i am hoping to hear from some people that have been on any of these medication and what their experience were also if anyone ha any thought on whether or not someone that is new to this whole anexiety improvement journey should jump into med or just try therapy first and see how that go i always kind of ignored my anxiety and told myself that since i have been able to graduate from college with a good degree hold down a great job for several year and maintain good relationship that my anxiety must not be that bad but a time go by i am starting to feel like it is getting worse and is negatively impacting my happiness and is leading my to lean on stimulant and alcohol too much which doesn t seem like a long term healthy way of handling this i have also had a couple of concussion in the last few year so i am not sure how much that play into what i am going through i would really appreciate it if some people could speak to their experience or have any encouragement or advice for someone just starting out in therapy and potentially medication please reach out if i can add additional context to my situation to help clarity where i am at also i wa reading some other post on this sub about people being tired all of the time i have spent year trying to figure out medically why to no avail i am starting to wondering if my axiety is causing it can anyone speak to any experience or epiphany they have had with this thanks garrison,Depression +23663,Is it normal to be 17 without a job? I keep getting rejected or not getting any messages back meanwhile my mates are on about 1000+ a month Hes also 17 with a kid on the way and his own flat and I am doing nothing my sister just got this big promotion and its making me feel shit about myself I have no clue what to do Life,Depression +14554,"Idk when, but I know that I am going to be dead from suicide soon. I just do not know how or when I would do it. Someone help me out please. I do not want my life to end I want to be happy. Help Killing myself",Depression +40406,sorry about the structure being bad in this i just need to write down my thought i genuinely don t see the point in living anymore i might a well just kill myself now and save myself from the bleak future that is coming with climate change war famine and all this other stuff that is going to happen and show no sign of stopping i might a well just kill myself now before it all go horrible the only thing really keeping me from doing it is the thought of my family and how devastating it would be for them to lose their son i m still young i haven t got a guaranteed future what s the point,Depression +39313,when i stopped in 0 9 it took me month to taper off it so taking a medication that cause withdrawal symptom like that scare me it s the only thing that help other then numbing the feeling with an antidepressant i m on lyrica 0mg and buspar mg to time a day i don t feel down but my anxiety keep me from moving forward with the thing i need too am i right to continue struggling with anxiety and all the health issue that come from it just so i can avoid a benzo,Depression +40056,is it weird to think i m getting closer and closer to taking my own life soon year and year of thinking but chickening out maybe soon it will be my time i attempted to swallow pill today and i think i m one getting really close now i hope i have the strength and courage one day to actually do it so i can finally rest and let go of this life i am tired,Depression +15509,Can anybody hear me? It feels like everything I write here goes to the abyss. It all feels meaningless. Maybe its because my problems are just to complicated and nobody knows what to say. Well I do not know what to do. Help me. I just want people to hear me. I do not want to feel so alone. Can you hear me?,Depression +23397,"No Matter how worthless and useless we feel,we always serve a purpose even if it is not the one we are searching for. I am 19 I am going through a phase where I do not know what to do with my life, I have not aged yet I have been through things and I have made mistakes, some I have learned from it, some I might repeat it. I am dealing with existential crisis as much as many do, some feels the whole point of existing is worthless and means nothing to the point they become nihilist it might affect them negatively and lead them to depression, or positively to optimism nihilism. I am writing this because I am getting anxious everytime I overthink things about life and existentialism. Though I have not experienced life yet since I am a teen maybe there is going to be times where it will change my mind and makes me happy, whoever this is not the point of the post I am was just introducing myself, I have been thinking about the functioning of our society and how we built our civilization, and I have come to the conclusion no matter how much we fool ourselves that we live for a reason and that we exist for a purpose but really we are nothing but like an ant colony (sorry I am not dehumanising anyone) by this analogy, I mean that we are like ants who are just working to serve our queen (which is our survival instincts)even if you are not happy with your Job or your life, you will be left with no choice but to work so our civilization can evolve and be built or you would end up in a psychiatric ward treated as a lab rat (again I am not trying to dehumanise) so psychopathology can evolve too, anyways I lack huge experience and lots of knowledge as I mentioned I am only 19 . I hope to whoever is reading this understand my point. I do not know whether I am insane or delusional due to this post or anything but it felt philosophical and depressive anyways I'mma go sleep have a goodnight or a good morning. No Matter how worthless and useless we feel,we always serve a purpose even if it is not the one we are searching for",Depression +10661,"I have everything good in life. Stable life, career and a loving partner but still i feel unhappy. I have everything in life i want and still feel so void. I have tried different things as distraction like hobbies but in the end it comes down to i do not know what is missing.I wake up with these thoughts all the time and sometimes it drags me to self harm. :(It cannot be looking for purpose as i have come to terms that life does not have a purpose and we have to create our own. what is wrong?",Depression +25253,I feel like such a burden on everyone in my life even when I talk to my friends they always seem like they do not want to be there and would rather be doing something else I feel like such a burden,Depression +11850,I cannot stand that people see me. I am gross and ugly and I am sure they all notice and are disgusted by me. They are forced to see my side profile and my face ugly face. I cannot stand people even seeing that I existI do not like going out places with people because I feel bad for them to be seen with me I cannot stand going out in public because I do not want to be perceived,Depression +18396,"About a week and a half ago, I was in the middle of a road trip, and the main plan was to go skydiving for our first time. I went with my roommates, a couple, and we did.Well, sort of. My roommate did not jump. it is whatever, but maybe not totally. Anyways, his girlfriend and I did jump.During the wait, and the climb, and when we were about to drop, I was nervous. But I was determined to do this for myself so that is what I did. As we plunged out of the plane (my instructor; tandem), we dropped for maybe 30 seconds free fall, pulled the chute, and floated to the ground. I initially thought it was crazy. Insane. Thought there is a chance I might die if the chute failed. But it did not. And while we dropped, I was a *little* scared, but as I landed on the ground I found myself disappointed. While I was hoping to feel something really genuine, I really did not. What I felt was fear, sure, but not actually life threatening fear, and had no adrenaline for doing it. I now, a week and a half later, feel as if I have done nothing in the past two weeks.Can I not feel something real? Is this all just an idea I foster for myself, that I can feel true excitement again? Or is it a lie? Can I really not feel things for what they are now? I have so many questions that I cannot answer, yet I cannot even bring myself to a counselor to figure this out.I do not know anymore. I expect nothing good from this, to be honest. I jumped out of a plane and found out I am more dead inside than I would originally thought",Depression +40596,allt jag tweetar om r jobbet bus 9 och depression d h r e s sorgligt,Depression +38409,where do i even start this feeling ha been going for year but now i reached a point where i am fully convinced that my life is just pointless purposeless empty i keep finding way to help myself to get better socialize talk to a psychologist then i got refered to a psychiatrist and talk to god i don t blame god for anything okay i still believe in god the psychiatrist did gave med escitalopram amp na divalproex amp quetiapin amp olanzapine amp vit b complex for a year i took those med constantly after a year i wa only prescribed with the first two med then recently the psychiatrist needed to move up my med to something more stronger because i said the med didn t work in socializing i tried to talk to friend but i couldn t open myself fully to any of them it is because no one listened or no one gave anything to help same go with my family i even tried looking for a relationship but with the trauma that my past caused me my ex s mirrored my depression towards me i also tried dating apps but every single one is either horny or just hard to talk to i tried to connect with workmate but you know that feeling when just can t connect it s hard to describe but yeah bottom line in socializing no one listens or give help in talking to god i still believe that there s a purpose for everything that s why we are created right i really don t blame god for anything even though i am suffering so much the only question is how long will i have to suffer more detail about work right now i m happy with what i m doing there s stress problem and shitty experience but at least i get task that need to be done yeah so when i m given a task i can finish it regardless of my mentality so my background well i ve been bullied since elementary until highschool for being different in the look it wa nd year highschool when the whole class bullied me constantly the teacher can t even help lol my depression really attacked me in nd year college there i realized all my suffering all my mistake and all my regret i attempted suicide for like time but always failed unfortunately twice i got caught by my family they were concerned at first but a time pass by so is the concern after all that i gave up trying to kill myself because i can t i m too much of a coward to kill myself all those physical abuse i tried to do on myself i can t do it twice so yeah i m like in the middle of trying to live and trying to kill myself if only i m brave enough to just commit suicide i would do it but i m not i actually tried to do sport in the past i wa very active in physical sport like taekwondo athletics and mma i even went to the gym right now i m doing biking but all those physical activity stopped a i lost interest or no motivation anymore i continued biking but everytime i do it i go full speed thinking i would die unfortunately my body just hold the break to slow down and make turn right now i just literally gave up on everything i m convinced that i ll be living my life like an empty shell med don t work socializing don t work and etc etc i just do my work then after just back to emptiness again i am able to do task but is it still living when you just do task out of obligation for advice sorry but i already heard too much but it didn t work anyways just trying to vent out i hope this story is clear or understandable thank you for reading,Depression +13364,"So if you are depressed, like I am, and are wondering about why you are here and what value you add to anything, I can assure you, doing something is not the answer. I bought about 150$ worth of art crap, paint, paper, brushes, canvas, all that shit and I sit here thinking its all crap. It looks childish and ridiculous. It clearly shows I have no idea what I am doing, or even why. When I see the work of others, they are serious and successful, and 30 years younger. There is no point to start something new at 52. My advice: just stop trying. I gave up. There is no reason for my existence. Try something new is bullshit",Depression +14903,"The title is pretty much what I wanted to ask. That said, I am brand new and have only done one test stream so far. My only steaming goal is to get 4 consistent followers by the end of the year, but right now I am not expecting viewers.I am starting with hidden object games. And all you would need is a discord account and any mic you have.(Laptop, from a phone, web cams mic, anything that works.)I love discussing story, characters, inspirations, and any random topic that might pop up.(It will pop up, my ADHA meds can only do so much.) Other non game related topics are things like food, art/crafting, anime, living with depression and other psychiatric disorders, plants, animals(I have 3 reptiles), fandom, books, and shows. With other stuff you may want to talk about.I am doing this to help me work on my confidence and public speaking, as well as a way to have fun. So it probably will not be seen by many(or any) people, so it is more like us talking over discord with me screen sharing. So it is low pressure and you can have veto power over deleting the stream once over.My schedule is very flexible and I live in the US MDT or GMT-6 time zone. If anyone would be interested, feel free to comment/massage me if you want to talk more about it. I do not know anyone who like hidden object games so this is my attempt at finding someone.Again, no pressure. And thanks for reading this far down Would someone like to talk during small twitch streams? No long term commitment and no judgement if you need to back out.",Depression +40591,black btrfly bref ya beaucoup de choses la chose a surtout pa faire c est rester solo parske la d pression arrive tr s tr s vite,Depression +47902,"I’m so lost I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Even when I was young, I wasn’t really happy. Anyway, I was diagnosed in my early twenties. I have learned how to live with depression, how to alleviate it etc. +I haven’t really been to therapy a lot, for several reasons. Lately, I don’t have the energy for most things. I can barely make it through the day. I have deadlines and things to do and I really really want to get out of this vicious cycle and get better. But every now and then, I completely lose hope. I don’t really want to die, because despite everything I maintain my optimism that things can and will change. +But in the meantime… how am I supposed to function to get there? Change only happens with actions. I don’t have the energy. I’ve lost all motivation. + +My main problem these days is: what’s the point? I see what’s going on in the world and everything is going to shit. People are fake as fuck. The only things that matter to society are extremely superficial. I don’t understand how people function in this society. + +It’s probably also helpful to mention that my home life is an epic disaster. I had to move in with my parents because I don’t work currently (thank you depression) and for the past year and a half, they have been in a pre-separation mode that they won’t conclude. I think that both of them are narcissists who ultimately only care about themselves. My mom holds me responsible for her marriage and she has played the victim her whole life. My dad is a narcissistic liar who won’t deal with the truth. My siblings are pretty toxic and I am the one that they all depend on for emotional support. The thing, no one is really there for me. + +Anyway. This was a rant I needed to let out because I don’t really have anyone to vent to. I don’t want to burden my boyfriend with my depression, he doesn’t deal well with it. I don’t want to tell my friend about this because they have their own problems and we barely ever get to talk (they all live abroad). I rarely meet people who understand me. + +Can anyone relate to my story?",Depression +41386,mund ia am good bro dealing with some mental health issue bipolar on a depression stage now been on a manic stage for a while,Depression +10759,"I have only ever tried to off myself once and that was 6 months ago. Now I am feeling worse than I did back then. I want to die. I hate myself and I just hate living. I have to constantly be worrying if I am going to have a sudden mood swing and do something stupid that I will not be alive to regret later. I do not care about how selfish it is, they all find it as some sort of fucking joke even after having to rush me to the hospital themselves. Whenever I think about pills I want to throw up, but lately, that has not been happening. The moment I am comfortable enough to take pills without immediately throwing up I am going to do it. I do not even care if I do not die. I honestly liked the feeling of being high off pills, and if I die? that is just the extra benefit. I do not see why I need to try stopping myself. what is there to live for? I hate people, I am an asshole so I do not care what they think of it. My life is fine, but I hate being alive and having to go through this. Even If I was not depressed I still do not see the reason why I would want to live. When I tried to off myself my parents both thought it was because I have a low self-esteem (I am not even overweight why would I kill myself just bc I do not like how I look??) but neither of them even took into consideration that it might be their faults. My dad used to beat the shit out of me before he got cancer 2 years ago, and my mom would just get drunk and leave me and my brothers standing outside for 2 hours waiting for her to pick us up just to find out she was not coming. Everyone on my mom's side of the family is an alcoholic, so I am pretty much fucking destined to become one too. There are so many things I have to worry about in the future so why do I need to fucking wait longer? 90% of the people I talk to just tell me to see a therapist. What the fuck is talking going to do to solve my problems?? I am sleep-deprived, I am eating like 700 calories a day, I do not remember the last time I actually took care of myself. I should just down some energy drinks and go for a run, give myself a damn heart attack. I should stay awake for as many days straight as possible and give myself really bad dark circles, then my parents cannot say they did not know I was not doing good. But no, I will probably just start ignoring my depression again after it calms down enough, and eventually I will break and end up dead. What a fun life I am living. what is the point",Depression +19122,"I have a friend who is really extroverted and always smiling but has these short random moments of suicidal thoughts and death. It started around an year ago and slowly became more and more prevalent. She would say dark things jokingly when it is clearly not funny. E.g. ""would not it be funny if i had a bath with a toaster."" ""I wonder how many people would come to my funeral if i died lol."" I have also noticed she does risky things like run through traffic without looking and speed a lot more. Also her brother died in a motorcycle accident an year ago but she would never seem sad about it and sometimes casually brings up his death like she is talking about the weather. All my friends say she is just an emo wannabe and she is fine but I am like 60% sure she is really depressed and thinking about suicide. What can i do about this? What to do when you are not sure if a friend is suicidal or not?",Depression +47343,Never actually getting better really thought i was seeing some progress last week but guess not. just fucking tired of everything and feeling like shit. literally no one actually cares,Depression +8146,"(Tw: suicide mention) I feel like nothing seems to excite me anymore. there is so much good in my life but for some reason I still do not feel happy. I am on meds, going to therapy twice a week, and yet I still feel like this. what is wrong with me? Its as if no matter what I do this numbness and emptiness is always there. Sometimes I can ignore it, but it never truly leaves. I know I cannot be happy as myself, no matter what happens. Its almost as if I have no choice, I know I am going to end up killing myself. Recovery seems too impossible, between school and friends and family I do not have enough time to get the help I truly need. I do not think there is anything that could even help me though, I guess I am a lost because. Everything feels so bland",Depression +38123,kk i know it sound weird and i can t quite explain it myself so i wa hanging out with a few friend yes i m surprised i have friend too and anyway they invited one of their friend who i didn t know so i started hanging out with this friend of theirs and i wa genuinely happy while hanging out with her i can t really describe it a anything other than i liked her i would ve tried something but i started thinking about how much of a shitty useless person i am even if i tried anything there s no chance that she d even want anything to do with me fuck i just needed to get that bullshit off my chest sorry for wasting your time people,Depression +11492,"I have the past 5 years I have had multiple year plus sober periods but I cannot shake this depression and funk. I have tried meds, I run, write, meditate, have had great jobs, eat good, supplement. Pretty much everything they say helps and I makes me feel a bit better but some days its hard and I can barely function. I always end up going back to drinking due to frustration from never feeling better. Doc says I may have treatment resistant depression which I have no clue what that means, shock treatment or lobotomy lol? Just venting I am annoyed. I have had docs tell me I might be bi polar and others tell me no way because I am 28 and have never been manic. A few adhd diagnoses that were rescinded. I am doing every freaking thing possible I can to feel better but nothing seems to lift the dark cloud and its robbed large chunks of my adult life. I feel like I have been depressed most my adult life and I have always been told if I get sober from alcohol my depression will improve but it does not.",Depression +21832,I do not think the worst part of losing a friend is actually losing them. I think the worst part is seeing them so happy without you there. To see them all hanging out and having fun with no thought of you. Or when something funny or amazing happens and the people you used to tell it to no longer talk to you so you cannot turn to them. And the absolute worst part is when you realise that they never really invited you to out to begin with and you start to realise all the lies they told you about why you could not come. Seeing them all out together and you cannot really say anything or feel any type of way because that means that you are either too needy or have serious fomo. Worst part,Depression +10014,"I do not even know why I am awake. Why am I even trying? it is exhausting, trying to gain the energy I need from food and exercise and work, but ending up drained of it and starved for it anyway. I was having a slow day. Now it is turning into a bad day. I feel mocked by these customers. I feel disregarded by my coworkers. I feel attacked by the company that does not see me as a person, just a robot that follows orders and works hard so they can pay me less. I feel I am losing my identity. I do not want to be me anymore because who cares? Who cares about who I am? What I like? What I want? I am tired...I am tired of trying. it is so hard to resist giving up. My depression is a loud voice that commands me to just throw in the towel and lose. To lose like the loser I am. Why try succeeding if you will only ever lose?...I am not enough. I am not alive. I am so tired. I just want to go home and sleep for a week... Saying ""I am tired"" when I am actually tired, but then I start to feel depressed and now I am even more tired...while also feeling totally empty inside.",Depression +17917,"I am so miserable with my life. I feel so alone and depressed. I feel disconnected from my family, I feel like no one cares, I am sick of it. I am sick of having mental illnesses that make me scared to be alone and clingy and codependent I am sick of having to go through various coping exercises to deal with small issues. I am so sick of it. I want to have a normal brain and normal reasoning naturally, I do not want everything to be a wheel of mental torture anymore. I want to be normal so badly but its so hard. I feel so lonely and do not look forward to anything anymore. I just want this to be over, I have never felt so low before. I used to be able to find good somewhere but I literally cannot anymore. I just wish it would stop I am not sure how to do this anymore",Depression +22638,"I am just coming to the realization that if I do not reach out my friends will not reach out to me. If I do not go see my friends they will just hang out without me. If I disappeared would they even notice? I have a friend I have not talked to in 2 months. I tried reaching out several times in the beginning and was met with silence. Nothing happened, I just became irrelevant. Maybe I am just not enough All my friendships are one sided",Depression +39068,i ve been having this for a few day doe anybody know of this is from anxiety my hearth is normal but i ve been having headache and chest pain too,Depression +7715,No one cares. No one is interested. My life is a joke. I feel like I have no one. What is the point? Done,Depression +14886,"Yeah, this is not the first, or even second or third time I have posted here, and frankly I was hoping I would never reach this point of despair again. It seems with every time I post here, my mental state was worse than the last, so let us kick this off. I am a male high school student living in (roughly) Cleveland, Ohio. I was diagnosed with anxiety fairly early on, only at age 9-ish or 10. It was not until my late Middle School years were I was diagnosed with Anxiety-induced Depression. All the way until my High School years, my anxiety was at least *stable,* and was not debilitating like it currently is. Come my Freshmen Year, they began trying medications along with therapy. It was fine, my therapist, who, I just called ""Dr. Jeff,"" was an amazing guy and I fucking miss him. The medication I tried first was Prozac, which had done nothing but made me more tired, and irritable as a result. As the school year pressed on, I was moved on another medication, Lexapro. Lexapro had done absolutely nothing for me, with not even any side effects being present. I described them to my doctor as feeling like I was taking ""empty tablets."" The psychiatrist insisted on going all the way, prolonging the time it took to reach the max dose, which, go figure, did nothing for me but give life more time to kick me while I am down. I have mentioned the stresses that High School gave me before, so I will not even both with that. By the end of my Freshman Year, Dr. Jeff had moved out of state, and I was forced to find a new therapist. Since he left, I had tried two others, but neither of them I felt any connection too, and to me, it almost felt tedious to talk to them. The next medication would not be until after my extremely stressful, work-filled Sophomore Year. Zoloft. **Okay. For the two of you who saw this while scrolling, this is probably the part you were looking for. I will bold this if you want to skip the exposition.** I had just started taking Zoloft at around the start of this Summer. My psychiatrist told me that it tends to work well for most people, which gave me some motivation; no matter how minute. They had started me on a dose of 25mg, or half a tablet. The first 2-3 days I was totally fine, but then I started to notice a nagging increase in heart rate. At first, I attributed it to the Pfizer Vaccine I had gotten and that it was inflammation that would subside over time with the proper care, no big deal right? WRONG! OH SO WRONG! This medication was, for the lack of better words, debilitating. I had noticed that the side effects had persisted about a week-and-a-half after taking the vaccine, leading me to realize that it was not heart inflammation, and the only other new thing I was taking was the Zoloft. After taking it a few more days, it worsened slightly, before my anxiety started getting worse. This was about the time that I spoke to my psychiatrist and had it lowered to 25mg. Unfortunately, I still had to wait another week to lower it further. The next two weeks were insufferable. This is the Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears of Depression meds. By the time I had finally managed to get off of it entirely, all of the symptoms had worsened, with some new fun and exciting ones developing like diarrhea. On the coming days after I had stopped entirely, I experienced symptoms that I would describe torturous to anyone with anxiety, and would not be something I wish upon my enemies. On the second day after I had stopped entirely, I had one of the **worst** panic attacks of my life. I had just about every symptom I mentioned all at once. The previously mentioned anxiety went through the fucking roof, with my diarrhea becoming nearly uncontrollable, and my heart rate going so fast that I thought I was going to have a heart attack on the porcelain throne. When I finally was able to lay in bed I felt violated in more ways than just one. I could not relax at all when these symptoms start, and some nights were sleepless entirely. I wish I could end it here, but it still does not stop. Come the next morning, something that would normally only make me marginally annoyed with my stepfather threw me into a mood swing so bad that I was yelling on the top of my lungs. My poor father bore indirect witness to the yelling over the phone, and I think I genuinely freaked him out. Neither he, nor myself had never heard me so angry. I felt like I was not even myself, and irritability and rage took over. The yelling was indescribable, it was something that almost felt nonhuman to me. When I had gone back inside, I was overwhelmed with a massive depressed feeling of hopelessness. I felt like there was nothing I could do. My stepfather, who I had previously mentioned before was notoriously strict, and tried to treat me like his son. My stepfather is this big tough dude who grew up in places where you could get hit by a wayward bullet by sheer misfortune. His own son looks like a chip off the block. he is 3 years younger than me, but looks like he could suplex some of the ninth graders at my school. And unfortunately, that means the standards on *me* are stressfully high. No matter what happens at that house, they are set in their ways until hell freezes over. I have cut myself no less than 3 times at the house, with one runaway attempt which was only deescalated by a friend. I try to do the rational thing and get away from the situation on particularly stressful days, which could involve either staying at a relatives' house, or staying the night at my father's. But when I do this, they say that I am ""running off"" to my father, or my grandmother, or my friend. On the worst of days, I often need to call my dad, and he often gives me the option to stay at his house. But some days I just **cannot do it.** My stepdad makes me feel like such a piece of shit for trying to look out for my sanity, and considers it selfish when I go to my dads house, or when I cannot complete a task and my mother is forced to do it. it is this shit that pissed me off for 5 years, and it was not until I took Zoloft when I really snapped. Since then, I have been feeling constant tension, along with increased irritability, and suicidal thoughts. My psychiatrist is booked for a month, and I do not have a new therapist who I can **really** talk to. I just feel like this is a shitty world if the last place I have to resort to finding help is from a bunch of strangers. My friends also told me that if I cannot handle it at my mom's house, then why do not I leave? The answer is really simple. it is not my mom's fault, and I do not want to leave her because of what my stepdad is trying to do. I feel constantly guilt-tripped not to leave, and I feel like I would never forgive myself if I did. My mother is already in a bad mental state of her own, but I feel like if I leave, she might try to kill herself. But inversely, I feel like if I stay there, I might try to do the same thing. I cannot win, this is a Catch 22 that is so severe, that at times I will just randomly break down into tears even thinking about it. Not the most exciting story on this subreddit, I would say it is about as subpar as it is OP, so I guess I will leave it there. I needed to get this out somehow. How Zoloft made me more Depressed.",Depression +7960,"I complained about a bill that did not make sense n my Dr office wanted to send a letter saying I am not allowed to go there anymore but that did not work out so then I get medical insurance they do not accept n they say it is illegal to pay out of pocket, so I am backed into a corner n have to go elsewhere, but my Dr being a good Dr referse to another office where I can still see the same Dr but they say they cannot accept my ins either. I might be able to still see my Dr if billing will work with me but otherwise iam basically getting booted bc I got medical assistance ( to pay for pregnancy n miscarriage related bills that were unexpected ). I am going thru a lot right now and just want to see the Dr I trust bc I have real trust issues n I honestly feel attacked by the billing people bc I disputed an error n called them out on it, and for that I am being punished and cannot continue therapy with my Dr of five or more years or get therapy at either of that drs office. I need help for real but I am scared to press things further bc I have already been punished for questioning billing. I just want to get help",Depression +38830,i just came back from running and i feel a bit anxious and i realized i always do after doing exercise,Depression +40283,i m done i m tired of fighting i want to rest now,Depression +12794,"Its late at night where I am. So I usually stay up late due to my work and personal life. It gives me a break from everything & everyone which I weirdly enjoy now. Used to be a social butterfly but I have kept to myself so much, its odd to compare me now to who I was 2 years ago. I barely talk to most of them now.My thing is when I am going through severe anxious and depressive episodes I tend to isolate. And by that I mean I am so ashamed of where I am mentally that I do not want other people to see me like that at all. It feels like its shameful. This last episode is like no other there is been things in my life going on that have stripped any sense of consistency.Reflecting on who I used to be is what kills me the most. It feels awful that I am stuck in this cycle, but I feel like I need to get out of it because no one wants to be around a Debby downer, I understand. I have been there with others.I want out. I want to get out of this cycle but my standards for myself are high, because I do not want to be someone who I would not have wanted to be around (if that makes sense).I am genuinely just jaded, tired, exhausted. I know if I cannot be my best self then there is no point in presenting myself to new people. I have been lonely lately due to this mindset.If anyone has been in a similar place PLEASE let me know if you have found a way to cope. Can someone relate at all (22f)?",Depression +22365,Just hoping i can drink enough to go to sleep without cutting myself tonight I am so depressed i cannot even masturbate,Depression +11636,"And has life gotten better?&#x200B;No. Everything is worse.I had some depressive bouts leading up to 21 over how much I was missing out on things that would make me happy. I had never had a date, let alone a relationship, never drank or went to parties and had wild fun like the other people my age I was too meek and scared of everything and despite constant jobhunting, my age and inexperience only ever got me a part time job cleaning public toilets, which did not help as I already felt gross. I disliked myself quite a lot, as I was overweight, short, unhygienic, unattractive, and I acted goofy, childish, loud and overly sensitive. But I can say that I was a hopeful optimist. I still kind of liked myself; I believed I was a good person with a good mind, worthy of love and acknowledgement, and had dreams of working in my creative talents with my then-friends, falling in love, and generally never wanted much like a ton of money or any unique opportunities, just the average house and family life that everyone tends to get, which has always been my focus. And it seems easy enough for everyone else to get, right?I tried. I mean, I really did try, for a decade. I jobsearched like crazy for years while bouncing around my familys homes, doing unpaid work experience after unpaid work experience just to have enough skills to actually be employable, for something other than needing a friend of a parent to put a good word in for me to even qualify as a toilet cleaner. When my dad said he was moving away to live with his new family he invited me to come, but I was 25 and already felt like a leeching loser, so lived off beans and boiled potatoes just to afford a spare room in a house share enough to be out of his way. I got into being more healthy and lost 55lbs during that time, cleaned up my hygiene and nutrition. It stuck, and I now go months without eating any sugar, learnt to cook well, and exercise every day. I went back to university to meet new people, as all my friends had drifted off in life or abandoned me altogether, and I also still had not had a relationship, so thought it would be a great way to meet likeminded people; adult connections that stick around and are mutual, as opposed to the ones Id made in childhood that had drifted off around 21. It was draining, but I did manage to graduate. Trying to study, work, look after myself and meet people was hard to do all at once because I never really was good at growing up Id had a 4 year agoraphobic stint in my teens that had given me anxiety and really damaged my ability to socialise or develop like a normal person, I have been unable to relax in normal situations or properly approach mandatory experiences of growing up like other people do. I was trying really hard to push through it though. I really did try.And what did I get for trying?I managed to upgrade my part-time minimum wage toilet cleaning job to a part-time minimum wage retail job, and have been stuck there for 5 years. I cannot advance in it because my completely broken social skills and introversion makes me really awful at customer service. And because my degree was creative where employability is based off contacts, privilege and experience, I am still no more employable or liable for better work than I was before university, I just have more debt to pay back. I went to study film, which has always been something I have loved probably the only thing in life I have ever felt *in* love with. After college, which ended when I was 20, I felt a bit like the magic had gone, because I saw behind the curtain which took a bit of the magic away, but was still interested in a career in it. Now after university, at 29, I despise it. I have no interest in working in film. 90% of my hobbies were creative based, and I do not even have any creative ideas anymore. I carried this internal sense of imagination and a case of maladaptive daydreaming with me for so long in my life that it was a huge part of me, but now all creativity is drained and I do not know who to be without it. My head is so out of it, I can barely register and react to things that happen in the *real* world anymore, let alone create complex things in my head. Sometimes I react late to conversations *I am in the middle of.* My cognitive function has crashed and I do not even think I could handle a harder job than retail now. But film was a secondary reason to study, I went to uni to open up socially and actually feel like part of the human race again. And did I? No. I did not have a single date, a single relationship, I did not make a single close friendship or helpful connection, because I am awful and broken and not likeable, interesting or attractive enough for people to want to put effort in for or stick around with anyway. My social skills are actually worse, because my mental health problems and self-image are worse. The idea of love and relationships have always been a huge trigger for my anxiety, probably because I wanted it so much (having a family was basically my biggest life dream), but my self-esteem is so non-existent that my philosophy now is, if I like someone, they are already too good for me. And now its pretty much impossible because I have come to find people so insanely confusing and unrelatable and I have not found anyone that comes close to otherwise in over a decade. At least at 21, I kind of understood the generation I was around, but the world seems so scary and aggravating and confusing now, I do not know how I am supposed to relate to any of the younger people I am around who want to follow each others social media accounts or talk in memes, when I am older and just want to have real conversations. How the fuck do university students manage to get into so many relationships when they just seem to talk about weird shit they saw online and the sesh? I do not understand people anymore, and my odds of finding a new best friend or a relationship have plummeted to non-existent as a result. I have not been really timid and untrying throughout this time either. I genuinely got involved, put myself out there, engaged in conversations despite being a massive introvert, even arranged some days out, started drinking and went to a few parties, and tried my best to be human. But apparently people did not find the attempt good enough. No-one has ever shown an interest in wanting a connection with me. Th biggest change in life I got out of university was getting wasted for the first time, but that has now evolved into me just wanting to drink all the time, despite the fact that drinking only every makes me cry anymore, I still just want to do it every night. I do not because I had an alcoholic mum growing up, and I also still try to tell myself I want to focus on being healthy and nutritional. And especially mental health-wise, people say that stuff helps. But does it? No. that is bullshit. I do not eat anything that is not nutritionally beneficial, I get so many vitamins a day and only eat fresh meat and veg. And yet, I am still tired and sad all the time, and most of my joints and bones constantly crack and hurt. And do I feel better about myself after all the effort and worry I put into reading every food packet, forcing myself out of bed to work out, forcing down disgusting, flavourless meals because I am paranoid about the extra calories sauces and flavouring would add? No. I have developed a massive case of body dysmorphia, I find myself grotesque and I despise myself more than ever. I used to just dislike myself physically and behaviourly but now I do not even think I am human. I used to know I was overweight, but still likeable enough to not die alone. But damn, now I envy the people that get to cut me a wide berth. *I am* stuck with having to be around myself. If I were any of the people I am attracted to, *I* would not want me kissing me or making eye contact during conversation with me either.If getting 50,000 into student debt still cannot get me a relationship or friendship, if focusing and stressing so hard about what I eat and how I live still makes me even more utterly hateful of myself, if creativity was my passion and now my head is so disoriented and depressed that my ability to be creative has completely died for good, then I think I have tried enough. I cannot keep trying and failing. I am pretty sure I am done.I am not an 18 year-old who still has their best years ahead of them. I am 30. I have statistical, experience-based evidence that it does not get any better. I refuse to try for another 30 years and potentially get my first date or my first proper job at the age of 50. At that point, its just not worth it to me, and I know there are going to be some people who say it is who say life begins at 40 - but it is not. For most people, life begins at 16; from there, they make close friends, learn to drive, have wild sexual encounters and spontaneous travel adventures, find a home they feel comfortable in and have the strength and energy to make money to maintain it, and most importantly, they find love with someone who thinks they are worth something. I have done none of those things. But I *promise you,* I have tried.I am a logical person. I am a third of the way through my life, and its been a failure so far. Even if I tried for another third and succeeded, and then got to enjoy the fruits of that success with the last third, that is only a third of my lifespan worth living, and that is not enough of a percentage to make the extended struggle worth it to me. Its easier to just call it a failed attempt and go. I am honestly kind of glad that 30 is coming up and I made that promise to myself. It gives me a pointed reason to show this is not some spontaneous emotional reaction, but a legitimate planned attempt to try and improve things that has not worked out. I honestly have thought about offing myself early, but I guess my dad would like a photo of me at my delayed graduation (because of the restrictions), as he has a photo on his wall of all his kids and stepkids, but none of me, as I have not succeeded in anything. So I guess Ill wait for his benefit? (Before anyone says, I am not close to my dad, or any of my immediate family. Hanging around for their sake is not a legitimate reason. Blood is just a viscous liquid that transports oxygen, vitamins and nutrients around the body, it does not create convenient responsibilities to other peoples lives because that blood shares a similar coded structure). At this point, Id be glad to go. I have had suicidal points in the past but they were always emotional (and I always bear through them alone, having no-one I am close to or I feel really cares for or gets me). I always would not *want* to feel that way, get scared about it, not want to die because I wished my life would be different, and have a breakdown or deafen myself with distractions or something. But now I am genuinely, legitimately out of hope to the point where I am completely numb to it and I am not even upset anymore. Life is what it is. I have no emotion. What would I be sad about? The loving relationship Id miss out on? Its obviously not happening. And what a tragedy it would be to miss scraping by on living in a shithole month to month on an unliveable salary, eh? I guess I am only posting this because I am no longer myself at all - instead of being that bubbly and childish yet worrisome and cautious overly-emotional 21 year-old baby, I am now an untalkative, slow, ill-tempered borderline alcoholic who feels nothing. Id always felt it seemed selfish to pity myself when other people have it worse and I always cared way too much about what people think, but I do not care anymore, and I feel I have earned the right to be selfish and I deserve to have people know that if everyone other normal person can get recognised, respected, valued, wanted or loved to some degree, then I at least tried.I do not expect things to change over the next 6 months, instead of trying anymore I will just spend the time daydreaming about the better life inside my head and getting affairs in order. I am interested to see and hope that I have the bravery to go through with it in 6 months, but this really does feel like a turning moment where I have accepted it. I feel all that fear from when I was 21 has gone and I have the personal skills and the hopelessness to get out of this failed excuse of a lifetime.Sorry this was so long. And hopefully this does not just automatically confirm the idea that things *never* improve for anyone. If you are young and are thinking that, things may work out differently for you - it is a possibility. They just did not for me is all. When I was 21, I made a self-pact that if nothing in life was better by age 30, Id kill myself. I turn 30 in exactly 6 months.",Depression +22309,"it is night, and I am crying again for no reason. Fuck, I wish the numbness would come back. I have I need something to do, but I cannot stop crying. it is all silent too because I do not want any damned speech about how this is all my fault and that I should have expected this. I know all that shit already. it is practically a worn trench in my mind at this point. All that does is push me more to become an alcoholic, an inevitability at this point.And if it is not the little condescending spats, it is the pointed accusiations or laughs at me being a damned crybaby. it is like that with every emotion, tears or smiles or whatnot.Please, I just want that emptiness back. At least it is safer than any of the alternatives. I just want to be the little robot they all want me to be. that will get me till I am old enough to die of mysterious circumstances or an accident. Whichever comes first, I do not care. The emptiness was nice",Depression +24792,"So I have slowly gained weight over the last few years and am now slightly overweight. I am mostly unconcerned, I am 175 cm and 80/85 kgs. I am also aware there is nothing wrong with being fat or chubby, but I do struggle with my own personal image of myself. I have depression, and sometimes I comfort eat a lot. My parents have talked to me several times over the last few years, expressing their concern for my weight. They say they are concerned I am going to become like a very obese relative of mine, which I think is a huge and ridiculous jump to make. These conversations have left me with a lot of shame and some pain when I comfort eat. Even though my logical brain can see there is nothing to be to worried about, my emotional brain feels quite ashamed when I look at my belly, my chin or when I am on my way to get some junk food. Tips and thoughts? Shame around comfort eating and weight from parents",Depression +22949,"I tell people I have social anxiety and I cannot socialize well at all, which is true to some extent. I do get nervous when talking to really anyone and I always feel like anything I say sounds stupid, but in reality I seem to love attention, which is what I hate most about myself.I have a friend who is probably the greatest person I have ever met and I am truly glad to have him but I have also been taking advantage of his kindness by doing and saying the dumbest things to make him worry about me and give me attention. I am a total asshole for that and it makes me hate myself but I just cannot stop doing it. I feel awful and I am trying to stop but its almost like an addiction. I just do not get it.The thing that I really do not understand is why I am like this. I have not really been neglected by my parents or anything like that and really the only time I am not noticed by anyone is at school and that is just because I do not like any of my classmates and Id really rather not socialize with them. I guess it just makes me very happy to know that someone cares about me or something, so maybe that is my reason for being like this. I have no idea. I just know that I hate it and I want it to stop. Why do I seem to love getting attention?",Depression +38227,i m think i m depressed and my anxiety is through the roof rn i m having a hard time focusing what should i do,Depression +40862,bornbytheswamp makapa makhoro kaybee r bokang the bae wish u nothing more but depression,Depression +8599,"No matter how hard I try to turn my life around, I lose. Dissapointment is all I have ever felt. I am so close to just giving up on this living thing, Will things ever get better? I need someone to tell my I have to live right now.",Depression +23422,"I asked my psychiatrist what normal is like. I have been suffering from endogenous depression since I can remember. This is the kind of depression that responds well with medication. He never answered my question, but from my experience from being chronically depressed to being normal, this is what I can say.- Normal is being able to get up from bed without overthinking the day. it is not feeling like chains weighing you down preventing you to move.- Normal is being to move automatically: make a meal, brush your teeth, take a bath and not needing to will yourself to do these things- Normal is not being hypersensitive to criticisms, every comment, every gesture. Normal is being able to shrug these things of as what other people do without other perceive meaning.- Normal is not having headaches, tense muscles, locked-jaws, palpitations, gastrointestinal problems and stress induced signs and symptoms almost every day. - Normal is not being on the verge of mental breakdown. Normal feels light and having a clear mind to make decisons based on reason and not on emotions.- Normal is being able to sleep at night with ease and depth. Normal is not crying yourself to sleep from the things that could have been or for fear of what could be.- Normal is not thinking about death and dying every waking hour.- Normal does not make you feel like living is suffering. - Normal people do not think existential questions as often as depressed people do. - Normal does not feel like you have a black hole inside your chest that you have to fill with sex, alcohol and other distractions. This is the aim of medication and therapy and it is indeed worth it. I hope you always find the strength to fight depression. The familiar is comforting that is why we tend to relapse but we have to try our best because constant suffering is not the way of life we should get used to. There is more to life than pain and hurt. He who hasa why to livecan bearalmostanyhow- friedrich nietzche What is normal?",Depression +7177,"Maybe I am just a sociopath. what is wrong with me? My grandmother died and everyone seemed so shocked at her funer. I was simply standing there dead inside, as always. I do not know, maybe I am not capable of guilt. Everyone was crying except me. Am I a monster?",Depression +40181,im so tired i just want to sleep forever making a promise to myself that tonight is the night reaching out for help didn t work i can t do this anymore sorry guy,Depression +25485,"For those of you who have dealt with consistent depression for years, what is that like on a day-to-day basis? What does it feel like to deal with long term depression?",Depression +38553,like the title say i have no idea who i really am i question myself and wonder if i am a good or bad person lately everything in my life ha sucked and i just want it to be over w this is not a confession btw i m ok i won t harm myself i just mean the disorder to go away i need to go back to therapy and get on medication maybe,Depression +20984,"Please do not judge me for what you are about to read in this post.I am in a relationship, and am about to see my boyfriend (whom I love) for the first time in 1.5 years, but I keep talking to other people on dating apps. I do not agree to meet anyone. Mostly exchanging banter and small talk. Some light flirting.Why do I do it? I do not know. I am not the cheating type. In fact, I got cheated on by an ex-boyfriend, someone I almost married. Multiple times. It pretty much destroyed my ability to trust anyone (until I met my current - and look how I am ruining it now, just before our long-awaited reunion).For the past month or so I have avoided all my friends, except for my best friend - agreed to see her only once. I have only gone out on walks alone, gone to bookshops and coffee shops alone. it is normally what I love, but now I find myself questioning why I do it, why I feel the need to always be alone. Today the answer came to me, all of a sudden. Because when you are alone, no one can ever hurt you. I do not know who hurt me, anyway. But I am starting to realise that I have committed to being alone because - well, I AM alone. I have always been alone.I turn 28 this year, the year that my parents had their first kid. I cannot picture a future that has anyone by my side. there is just nothing there. Every love I have ever had - gone, broke my heart, moved on. Love is so fleeting. what is left but the broken pieces desperately trying to become one again? What can I do to heal but to accept that I can count on no one but myself, in the end?My boyfriend is sweet, and loving, and kind - but I cannot give him a happy and free life, because -I- am not free. he is also so much younger and has so much else to see. he is not going to want me once he grows up a little more. I can only love him in the meantime.I honestly do not know what I am saying. Feels like rambling TBH. All I know is that I cannot think of a single person who is always been -my person-. And that were it not for the fact that I have an 8 year old niece, I might not bother trying to keep living anymore. there is all this emptiness inside that I cannot make any sense of. I am living half of myself - I can never marry a woman - and only now am I realising just how much it is destroying me. Extremely alone and cut off from the world. And the stupidest part is that I actively choose to stay away from people",Depression +26234,"I am not ready yet. But if I decide I am. I need to know just how horrible the effects are of taking a bottle of hydroxizine, a bottle of trazadone, a bottle of Wellbutrin 150, a bottle of prazosin and a bottle of Prozac with a bottle of liquor would truly be. Coma? Seizure? Heart failure? All seem like a possibility when taken in overdose alone but curious how effective it could be if all taken at once.. Its simple",Depression +10739,"People do not really want to know how you are. They expect a quick response. So I say I am fine. I am not fine. Far from it. But they do not want to know that I woke up exhausted. That I started crying as soon as my eyes opened. That I do not want to do absolutely anything and even watching tv is too much for me. That there is a heaviness weighing on my heart that can only be compared to mourning. That I honestly do not think I will ever be happy. That my favorite songs are making me inexplicably sad. That my dreams will never come true. That no one can save me. That my family will not understand when I am gone. That I am so sorry for everything. They do not want to know all that. So I say I am fine. ""Hey how are you?"" ""I am fine"".",Depression +16632,"I was having a talk with my psychologist, She wanted to follow up on how my new mends were effecting me. (The med changes ago) I was feeling great but i was running off of 3-4hrs of sleep everyday, and it made my ADHD worse, Causing more hyperactivity. ANYWAY. She said that she feel sometimes people minds just ""break"" They experience, or reach a certain point and just break. When i first heard this, i was not sure how this could be true. More now than ever i find this to be true..atleast for me. I am broken and At the end. I do not want to hear ""ur 18, your life just started"" bs. Heard it before. I am also 18 been kicked out by both parents and am now doing van life. I do not hate vanlife but its all i really got right now. I am at my end. I am so tired man. My mother treats me like a ""Problem child"" who does whatever the f*ck i want and my father is an abusive narcissist. I am embarrassed by how sad and hurt i am from the things i have experienced in my life. Its shattered me. I feel as if many people and life in general has chewed me up and spat me out like i was nothing. I am sorry. It all just hurts so much and i think about ending it everyday. Sometimes people just ""break"" I am sick.",Depression +8728,"I have been depressed for a while and one of my comfort shows is greys. The only downside is that it induces me to be even more depressed and oh god I just had a full on breakdown. 007, if you know, you know. And the way Meredith was talking, like this could be your last day and be with the ones you love. Now I am feeling very impulsive. there is this boy I love. We decided to stop talking and get back together when were both mature but now I am like, what if he dies. God what do I do. Do you all ever feel like this Season 5 finale",Depression +38660,i have achieved a good outcome a a manager gave me good comment and feedback however there s this thought in my head that s saying he ll rethink his decision and realise that the praise given wasn t warranted i feel like this worry is uncalled for but it s causing me distress doe anyone know how to deal with this type of thought,Depression +38051,for long in a while i hit a down again and that come with a lot of thinking like last time when i felt like that i distanced myself from my friend and they didn t even bother to ask me what is wrong with me i m an really introverted person but ask them all the time how they are doing and offer them my support i ask myself when they would if they start to ask themselves where i am if i would just dissappear without saying anything i can t believe i am posting in this sub again but i don t know who to tell stuff like this,Depression +9833,"I am in distress. I need someone that can just listen to me for a bit because I do not have anyone I can talk to right now. I am not suicidal, I am just in a bit of a crisis. Someone please just help me. I need a listening ear",Depression +48072,"I don't wanna try anymore I'm a 25 year old man who's never had a girlfriend or sex in his life and since yesterday I decided to give up trying. I have a very good life, amazing family and friends that understand and support me no matter what I do, I have a job that I enjoy and coworkers I get extremely well along with. I don't consider myself ugly, I think I'm just mid. I nurture many passions, am very extroverted and outgoing, and I believe I'm quite smart, but especially in these last 3 years I've been feeling extremely hollow and sad, and the reason why is no matter what I do or how much I keep improving myself, I seem to have no luck with girls. Yesterday I went out with this great girl I met in university 2 years ago, which I've been texting on and off with. I thought she had interests in me since she was the one asking me out, but as I later found out in the day she had been seeing this guy for about a month where she is studying. I promised myself to go into that ""date"" with no expectations but of course there was hope things would go well. However, as per usual, I had to go back home and cry myself to sleep for the 100th time and I'm just tired of this endless repeating cycle. +People who've had at least one relationship in their life will never get the pain.",Depression +14155,"My Dad was flaunting his wealth and telling me that if I do not get employed and stop being sad, i will not be able to maintain the life that I am living. Man fuck your wealth, I do not even value my life here, who is going to ask me if I am alright? Why do not these messed up late time boomers understand what mental health is? He tells me I am lazy af and wasted 23 years of my life and my problem is that I ""think a lot"" both the issues are contributed by my severe anxiety which he does not have brains to understand. The only thing I really wish was if only i was born poor. At least I did not have to deal with this crap and become depressed and suicidal. My dad is so toxic and full of crap lol.",Depression +47556,I'm losing my sense of reality. I don' have no idea what to do.,Depression +20987,Ever since I have had my diagnosis my goals that I want to obtain and the questions I ask myself tend to get weirder? I cannot explain in what way but its in a way no one can understand. But one of my goals in life is if my life story is brought up and I hope it does not because I do not want to be remembered at all. But if it were to be brought up I would want to be the one person where they are disregarded in their own story. To be honest I could care less about myself to the point where when my story is brought up I am not even the main character I am just the person you throw away immediately. It sounds weird talking about it because one thing is thinking about it and another is typing it out or even talking about it. Maybe its weird thing to think about or something that can not be understood or both. Just a thought. Weird goals and questions,Depression +22110,"I was a fat kid and my friends teased me for it back in school so I started aggressively working out and became a bulimic, and now here I am at 26 fat again and a rotting mouth. I will never be able to smile again, my teeth will always hurt, my breathe will always reek, and I will always be in and out of dental offices as they take all my money. I have already lost over 3k dollars to this shit. it is the one thing I cannot ever get back and it is ruined me completely My biggest regret is ruining my teeth",Depression +15682,"I lose motivation quick unless its something I am passionate about or I keep reminding myself of it. I have always been one to take part in activities that waste my time and now at almost 20 I feel like if I continue to do so, life will pass me by like it did my parents. I have a fire deep inside to become successful in life (we all have different perspectives on success) and I really want to make my life fulfilling in some way. I have battled depression since I was about 13 or so, starting with being left out of things growing up. Which led me to pick up things that waste my time instead of going outside. Now I have turned those time wasting things into wasting time with physical activity. But I want to make it happen in my life financially. I want to move to a new place and make new friends. I do not want to live miserably all my life because my family is linked with hereditary depression. I want to coexist with this monster. Should I look into finding a mentor that can provide insight? Should I make sticky notes to remind myself to keep at it every single day? The initial step to get out of my current rut has been taken, but I do not know where to go from here. Anything you all say will be taken to heart by me. I really mean what I say here. Thanks for taking the time to read this. How can I stay motivated when I find it much harder for motivation to be internally produced in my mind?",Depression +9572,"I know for a fact that I have some form of depression. But all of my reasons for being/feeling depressed sound so silly to me that it stops me from asking my Mum if I can see a doctor to properly diagnose me. They all sound so stupid, which always leads me to regret the fact that I use a suicide prevention line. Some of the questions that I ask myself are like: Why would you tell this stranger? Why are you such a fucking wimp? Why?I normally end up screaming internally inside my bed. I used to cry myself to sleep, but now there are not any tears left. I sing myself songs of my childhood. And I am very surprised that A) nobody has noticed yet, and B) I am not in a mental hospital. Why?...",Depression +8765,why cannot i just. do things right lmfao I am so unhappy,Depression +16206,"I was on Zoloft for about 2 years. I just recently tapered off of it. I stopped taking it for good early June. Lately, I have been feeling so empty. Like something in me is just missing. Nothing makes me happy. I try so hard to do all the right things. I am a psychology major so Id like to say I know what to do. I just cannot make myself do it. I have these bad thoughts in my head that in try to suppress but they keep coming back up. Does anyone here relate and can give some advice on how to feel better? Thanks in advance Reoccurring depression or personality trait?",Depression +21006,"Tw: r*pe..Hello guys, I know it is weird to post this here but I do not really know anywhere else to vent my frustration.I am an almost 22 year old female, but 5 years ago I was in a very, very toxic, dangerous, and abusive relationship with a 18 year old that, shortly after we finally broke up, r**ed a 12 year old boy. He sent me pictures of them together and all that type of fucked up shit. It was very traumatic and to this day it haunts me.I finally spoke up about the situations I went through and de r*p*e of the kid about 2 years ago, mainly out of fear. I got a lot of backlash for not speaking up earlier, I got called many ugly things, but the thing that hit me the worst was that this guy had a female best friend that we will call C.C called me a liar and defended my abuser in any way she could, denying he would ever do such horrible things despite having screenshots of how abusive he was to me and literally pictures of him with the kid he abused. She also called herself a feminist and her standing against me put lots of other women against me, so I ended up deleting every post where I talked about what happened and even deleted my old Facebook and Instagram accounts for that reason. Police where involved in this too but I dropped the charges, I just did not want to know anything about this anymore. Now, this was 2 years ago, but today I was scrolling down Instagram and stumbled across C's art account, and while I was looking at her drawings I saw she had made Sally face fanart and talked about how much she loved the game and Sal (the main character of the game).I really do not like gatekeeping and I understand she has the right to like whatever she wants just like I do, and the more people know and play Sally Face, the better, as it is an indie game and I want the creator to receive as much support as possible.But this really hit me like a bucket of cold water. I know I should not have gone through her account but I was not expecting to see this at all. Now I cannot stop myself of thinking of both C and my abuser whenever I see something related to the game. I know it is stupid but I feel like one of my favorite things was taken off me or at least stained by all those memories and I feel awful. It is ruined. My depression has been acting up the last few days (I think it has to do with the cold and cloudy weather, as it is winter where I live and I always seem to have a harder time during cold seasons) and this just made me feel even worse, I feel like I cannot escape them or the memories. I have been in bed all day crying. it is pathetic. I am an adult crying over someone else liking my favorite game. I found out my abuser's best friend is a fan of my favorite indie game and I have been crying all day",Depression +7110,I hate being alive. Every minute of everyday is just filled with pain and anguish. Why must we be forced to stay in a world that some of us do not see any hope or any type of future in? I am honestly at the end of my rope and there is nothing I can do to get myself out of this hole. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up because living is just a nightmare. there is no point,Depression +19441,"my depression has took a turn for the worst recently and now I am having trouble feeding myself. I have mostly just been drinking water to help get rid of the starving feeling but i think this makes me moody. I have been SO moody lately too and everyone is been driving me nuts. i do not know for sure if these symptoms are a result of not eating, but its hard to motivate myself to eat. i just do not have the energy for it and food does not taste as good as usual. even when I am high, my appetite is not too great either. i remember smoking used to make me so hungry but now it does not do the trick. does anyone else relate or have any advice maybe? i feel like I am ruining my body food",Depression +25524,"Idk how to start this but I am 19 and I have been depressed since about 14-15. I thought it was just a phase, but I got a plumbing job which is what I went college for and wanted to do since I left school and the depression never went away, they ended up letting me go of the job which did not help. My whole family knows about my depression, but they do not know how bad it is, should I tell them or try and figure it out on my own? I am also in the process of also quitting weed, how much will this help my depression? The doctors have tried putting me on anti depressants but I said no, should I take them? Sorry for all the questions. Help????? I have no idea what to do",Depression +10648,"My girlfriend is away visiting her parents for the week and she worries about me being alone for this long. She knows I am depressed and used to self harm. I have not in years, but she worries it will happen again. I admit I was addicted and get the urge to but I usually fight it off. Her constantly messaging me to make sure I am eating or if I am REALLY ok makes me feel like more of a loser than I already am. I know she does this because she cares and loves me but it makes me feel like she cannot trust me to be on my own without hurting myself. It almost makes me want to out of spite but all I can do is break down and cry. I need advice please",Depression +21480,"I have been abused most of my life. Sexual abuse from a young age, emotional abuse as well. Mental abuse, though less frequent, and also, lately financial abuse. I am 33. I have never stopped living for my parents. I have had few friends, and none that lasted. I have had no relationships. I am isolated and afraid. I do not think I am going to last much longer like this, without falling apart. I have been depressed since I learned what sexual abuse was. it is isolating, to hear someone prattle on about something you know from experience, and warn against it like you have a choice about whether to be abused. To look around the room, and see frightened, amused, or curious faces, but not see anyone else looking around. No one else that might be wondering if they are the only ones that already experienced this. I do not want to get into my bad behaviors, just know they are destructive and ruining my life. And escalating. I feel like there is a part of me that is trying to break free, and it is dangerous. it is caused very dangerous situations in my life. it is all been so much worse, since last year. My mom died, and despite everything, I still loved her. I was the only one present when she died. I saw her face, and watched life leave her eyes. I am haunted to this day by that picture. Is there anything I can do? I am so scared and alone. I try to talk to people, and it always ends horribly. Nobody can understand me, or if they do, all they have is pity. I bring everyone down. I just want to be ok again. I miss having dreams for the future. Right now, my only dream is that there is an end to the suffering. Spiraling depression and bad behavior. cannot seem to muster the will to end it. I am feeling kind of lost and broken. Could really use some support",Depression +21053,"The pain, sadness, and want is never ending and I am so tired. I do not want to hurt myself, but GD living hurts like hell.",Depression +17142,"it is clear to me after 8 years that I am stuck in the same situation. I will never try to do anything, to find a job or relationship or a house to live alone. I will never become independent not because I cannot but because I do not want to. I want to stay with my mom forever, alone with my books in my room like a teen and go out only with her. I cannot take responsibilities, I cannot make decisions not because I am stupid but they make me feel so anxious and panicked and I do not know how to manage this. I still remember 8 years ago when I tried to rent a house to stay alone twice and I panicked too much and in the end I cancel it. I still remember how I felt 10 years ago when I attempted to live alone in another city for studies and how depressed and alone I was. The furnitures my parents bought are still haunted me whenever I see them in my grandma's house. And maybe I was 18 years old and I had to deal with a very difficult situation in my house but I am still unable to take action.My situation does not make me happy, I feel bored, I want to do something different and exciting but I cannot. I cannot even think to live as an adult, to have a romantic relationship or a stable job because I am afraid of all the conflicts that may occur. Maybe these things have to offer me exciting things but I am aware that as more you expose yourself and take responsibilities you have also more problems to deal with. And I had enough problems in my life already.Some may think that I am immature or spoiled or sheltered and the last two I believe that are true but I am not immature at all. This maybe is the problem that I do not get never excited because I overanalyze things and try to see all the different perspectives. People around me rent houses without second thought, say lies thst they have experience to take a job and generally grab chances without thinking it a lot. Even if they do wrong they do not punish theirselves and they do not feel bad if in the process they treat unfairly some people. I cannot even sleep thinking all my past wrong decisions, I am not able to say a lie even for the most unimportant thing. I am unable to deal with anything or to put it correctly I cannot deal with my feelings. Even when someone hear sent me a private message I get panicked, I do not know how to react and I think of that all the time. I can start a conversation when I am too desperate and I know that maybe I will not be alive long enough but sooner or later I start to fear that someone is going to harm me or discover or harass me etc. This is probably the main problem I am so afraid of everything and even if I fight it and try to make steps in the end I always go back to my parents security even if it is toxic. And I feel relieved and I can sleep at nights but I also feel so desperate and empty. it is not my fault that I feel this way. My father is a negative person and make me feel afraid of the works and people because he always showed me the worst case scenario. My mom tried to protect me and give me moments of entertainment and not let him spread his negativity but she is also a victim and a depressed person and life was not easy for her. Our life in general was not never easy many bad incidents happened to our family, put of out control and these made my father even more convened for his worldview. I do not know what is wrong with me, is my traumas, my ocd, my social anxiety? Do I have the Peter pan syndrome and I want to stay child forever? Am I autistic and that is why I find the world so terrified? Is my county and how unorganized and corrupted everything is here that make me feel so desperate? I feel like my life has an expire date. I do not know if I commit soon or no but I know that when my mom dies this will be my end also. Maybe I will end everything sooner because there is no point I feel so miserable and I just waste money. Therapy and medication never were helpful on the contrary the made everything worse. I waste so much time in this crap and also in fortune telling seeking desperately an answer but now I realize that everything is b*llshit. I hate myself that still believe in something higher either is the God or something else because this enabling my ocd and I still try to make decision with random ways not with my mind. I will never move forward",Depression +9348,Speaking from personal experience I think the hardest part about depression is that you do not want help. Not really. You have to learn that you are worth the help and not push it away..which is hard:/,Depression +12259,"This year i finally sought out help and got my life back together, got a girlfriend, got a job, made some friends. Girlfriend cheated on me, i got sent death threats from the guy she hooked up with, saying that he caught feelings for her and i needed to back down or get killed. He told me to kill myself and then the next day told me he had bipolar disorder and that i needed to help him not kill himself. I now am weighed down by the man who took my girlfriend asking me to help him, as he talks about how much he loves her. I lost multiple friends and they just sort of ghosted me, i had a date tonight, but she cancelled and said she never really was interested in me. Everything is dark and whenever someone says you are just a kid, you have your whole life ahead of you i feel like yelling at them, because i just do not want to have to keep being mercilessly effed by life. my life has been rough but not as bad as others",Depression +21796,"Recently I have been having obsessive thoughts about my intelligence and abilitied or lack thereof and I cannot shake them.I have just been offered a dream job but my self-confidence has plummeted as I have been preparing for it. I know the stress of preparing for it has definitely kicked off a lot of feelings of being insecure in my abilities but I think it goes deeper than that. I just get stuck in these thinking ruts and my mind becomes completely cloudy - I have talked through some of these feelings before and it seems like when I have a problem I start either putting up invisible barriers or I think of all the things that could go wrong and it ends up closing off my mind to solutions before I even get a chance to think anything through. I cannot catch a thought and hold onto it long enough to solve anything - my mind just keeps spinning from problem to problem with no solutions. And I have always had this issue to some degree but I could work through it until several months ago, when I was offered this job. I went from feeling comfortable and relatively confident before, to feeling like I do not measure up to anyone around me. Suddenly I am not talented enough or I am not intelligent enough or I am not creative enough or I am not likeable enough when I am around other people. And I know part of this is my on perception working against me but for some reason I cannot shut it off; it is like the irrational, scared part of my brain is taking over. It makes me feel completely disconnected from the people around me and I end up feeling terrible and not confident about myself. I have read about the concept of a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset; that embodying a growth mindset helps you overcome feeling stuck by believing you can grow as a person whereas a fixed mindset leaves you stuck in a rut. Just rationally, I know I should have a growth mindset to believe that I can grow and change but my emotions are overwhelming my ability to choose that - something in me is constantly telling me that I am stuck being a failure, that I do not deserve good things, and that I have only made it as far as I have due to sheer luck. Does anyone have experience successfully fighting off those feelings? Self-confidence relapse",Depression +11439,I failed my summerschool course to make up my grades. I am going to be stuck in the same classes I have always been stuck in and I hate myself for never being able to pass. I am going to be a senior this year so I am really thinking of just offing myself to save myself the embarrassment of not graduating on time. Not to mention covid fucked up my ability to be around people and I keep having random breakdowns which suck because I kept having them in summerschool. I cannot drop out because it is illegal here so I am just going to be stuck in classes watching people younger than me pass while I stay the same. School,Depression +39628,i ve been struggling with an eating disorder for five year now it ha stolen those year from me crippled me from doing thing i love due to my low body weight made me unable to think rationally and study diligently my family are exhausted mum especially sleeping beside me because she s terrified i ll die alone in my sleep it make my heart rot thinking about the hour they ve spent worrying about me or the time and money flushed down the toilet finding me treatment i always disappoint them the mental health team i ve been going to have been more harm than good mum tried to send me to them a early a she could after spotting my illness they did nothing to prevent it from spiraling out of control which it shortly did i had a useless councillor who would stare at me in silence for an hour every week once she broke it to ask if i drank chocolate milk pretty self explanatory considering i had anorexia my parent and i left each session in tear after politely asking if we could swap councillor the team began bullying my mum they thought we were attacking the councillor i wa seeing this meant they refused to offer me a bed at a residential care and threatened to stop paying for my weekly doctor visit unless i disengaged in seeing a private therapist whom i wa making progress with today i found out my mum s plea to put me into residential care ha been accepted i m scared shitless what worry me most is how much they ll fatten me up i ve read somewhere patient are only released once they ve restored of healthy weight however i m also aware i ll be alone with sick and possibly more malnourished kid than myself five hour away from home i lost it when i heard the news screaming and cry my eye out at my mum who should never deserve to be treated like that she ha done everything she can to keep me alive both her and my younger sister are so sick of me my sister hardly ever speaks to me when she doe it s usually to yell at me for being an idiot and retarded once she even told me she wa embarrassed to go out in public with that me and wished i died of cancer honestly i wish so too especially when i remember how close we used to be i went to my mum after dinner to ask for some support she told me i wa so selfish for continuing to engage in a disordered lifestyle and then taunted me when i said i couldn t drink an additional supplement formula i ve pushed those i love away from me i m so alone and lost i m praying to god i get sick and die because then they wouldn t think i wa doing it for attention or being selfish i m so sorry for the rant but i just don t know what to do,Depression +8222,"I do not want to hear ""oh you matter just keep going"" or ""it gets better."" I have made my attempt at getting better, time and time again I eventually get beat back down. I have done therapy, I am on meds, I am so sick of depending on a pill just to feel ""normal."" it is fucking sickening to think about. Any time I break down to a friend they always say just how much I have going for me because ""I am so smart"" or some other meaningless bullshit. I do not have a bad life, I am almost done with college studying physics, I have both of my parents, they care for me. Of course there is all of the family bullshit that goes on behind the scenes, but everyone has that, so who cares. My gf loves me endlessly, but I feel like an empty she will, why fucking bother. I hate everything about our existence, probably just being dramatic but it frustrates me. Everyone is pitted against each other, we are destroying the planet and no one cares, politics is a nightmare. I do not want to be a part of this world. I am so sick of waking up every day to just go to work and then get baked as fuck. do not tell me to ""get a hobby"" I have done that, I always just lose interest. I have tried gardening, aquariums, woodworking, hiking, biking, running, gaming, every last thing just eventually fades to grey, just like everything else. I do not want anyones help or advice, I just want to voice this somewhere that it does not matter and can just get lost in the 1s and 0s. If I could have anything on the planet right now, I would give anything to just no longer exist. My demons that I will never truly escape, aside from the brief commercial breaks where maybe my meds work, or I am having a good day. I just wanted to be wiped from the planet, I cannot stand this shit anymore.Goodnight. I am so exhausted being alive.",Depression +25644,now that I am planing my way to end my life I kind of stopped feeling like shitlike I know this hell is going to end soon so is kind of a reliefI actually want to try to experience something good in my last days so that my last thoughts do not be thinking about my pathetic life but it would be a shame if I become numbedidk I am probably not making any sense but all these years of deprrssion have consumed me and now I am just empty emptiness/ numbness?,Depression +40624,utdcynical crossydailystar fan got depression watching the bollox,Depression +21510,"The pandemic has completely destroyed my will to live. I have lost interest in everything that I used to like and now actively hate a lot of them. I moved to a new city and have no friends. I have not seen anyone other than my parents in 16 months. I do not have any close friends who I can talk about my feelings to. I have a terrible relationship with my parents. They do not care that I am sad. I tried telling them about my feelings, I cried to them. My mom brushed them off and my dad threatened to beat me up in front of all my classmates. I feel left out of everything. My friends are making plans, hanging out, playing games. I am here struggling through a mountain of workload and suffocating. Toiling through 10 hrs of online classes everyday trying to keep my sanity safe. Everyone I have talked to reacts negatively whenever i try to talk about my feelings. My closest friend accused me of using them after I confessed to them that I am suicidal. I have no motivation to do or learn anything. There is no interest for anything left in me anymore. Everyone tells me that I am to blame for my problems. No one knows what I am going through. No one cares. My friends tell me that I have become bitter. I hate myself so much. I just want to die somehow. I do not want to kill myself. I am too scared to. Thousands of people die everyday, why cannot I be one of them? I feel so lonely. A lot of times I have dreams where I meet and hang out with people I love. I am so happy in them. Then I wake up and I am hit with reality that I will not ever be able to meet them again. I hate being alone.I do not think I have depression. I just wanted to post this somewhere because no fucking person is willing to listen and I am so sick of it. I hate it so much. I will get judged hard if I ever tell my feelings to anyone. it is ok if no one can help. I just wanted to speak out. I do not know what is happening. I just want to talk.",Depression +38856,my doctor just prescribed me trazodone buspirone and escitalopram for my anxiety i am not sure what to do here since i read they all interact with each other but my doctor say it s just fine and he know best i am already taking buspirone and it help a lot he also knew escitalopram give me insomnia and still prescribed it not sure if i should just stop bitching or find another doctor,Depression +22775,"My 30's have come to an awful start. I lost a 5 year relationship, I have no family left, I got about 3 friends who are doing their own thing, and I just feel so alienated and lonely anymore. I thought I had a handle on things for a while, I thought I had something to work for, and something to hang on to, but I really do not. I am delaying the inevitable, and I think honestly would be the best time to take myself out of this world. Anything I have attached myself to, or put work into has been a dismal failure. I do not see things getting much better for me. I will always have PTSD, I will always feel alienated, I will always need fucking braces to walk, I will always feel like something good that happens in my life will end in the worst possible way. I feel just alienated and done with it all.",Depression +15807,"I do not really know why I am writing about this but we all know that it is obvious.I just feel like I am forced to live dealing with other people's shit every single day,it is fucking tiring.I do not even know if I am still depressed or I am just fucking floating because nothing really fucking matters anymore.Hurt me then hurt me say shit about me then say shit about me we""ll all die anyway but knowing this makes things alot more worse because being happy or choosing to be happy feels stupid and meaningless. The world is really fucked up",Depression +26268,I am 21 and have really bad depression and anxiety problems. I usually work a lot to occupy my time but I have days off coming up. How do I actually relax and enjoy my time and enjoy what I like to do? How to relax and enjoy things?,Depression +11827,"It feels like my mental health has just been in a state of constant decline since I was 12. My life has reached a breaking point and I have no one to talk to it about so I guess here I go. I have had an awful eating disorder (ARFID) since I was 3. Essentially I developed a mental block/crippling fear around trying new foods and as such I have a kind of limited diet to this day. At the time I was developing it there did not exist many studies or much information about it especially not in males. It created a horrible relationship with my parents as they were desperate for me to just get over it, but I did not have the mental capacity to understand why because I was 3. It only gets worse as you get older because you dig yourself further and further into your comfort zone. My parents tried all they could to get me over it including hospitalizing me at 15. At the time I was also starting to work out excessively and starve myself because I was being bullied a lot and was disgusted by my physical appearance. The hospital did not know what to do with me either because they had never had a male come though and they mostly just specialized in anorexia. Long story short they eventually just kind of gave up on me and sent me home and I think that damaged my parents view of me for a long time. At the same time I have wanted to pursue a career in film/entertainment/content creation but my parents moved to the most rural and middle of nowhere kind of town in america so there was not a lot of opportunity or schooling for it available. I feel constantly insecure about the fact that I really have not developed much as an artist in any particular medium but I never had anybody to collaborate or learn from/with. People I went to high school with already have big apartments in LA and I have nothing to show for myself. I know it is not healthy to compare yourself to others and we should go at our own pace but I really do just feel behind developmentally. I moved out of my parents house the day I turned 19 because I had reached a low with living in Arkansas and dealing with my parents. I threw everything essential in my car and drove to the city I had gone to high school in and where my sister lived. It was 600 miles away. I was fortunate enough to get a decent paying job and an apartment that I split with roommates pretty quickly. This was one week before the country went into total lockdown. The goal was not to move out and wind up on a film set but more so to just grow as an adult and get a feel for living on my own. I made a bit of progress with my Arfid and tried a good number of new foods for me. At age 19 I tried scrambled eggs for the first time in my life. Pathetic yes. A big step for me. Also yes. Life in the apartment quickly began to decline. One of our roommates began to gradually let more and more people sleep on the couch and they were leaving the place in a state of absolute filth. I cleaned up for a while but eventually it became too much and I was fed up with it. Around this time I was thinking more and more of moving to a big city with opportunity and a scene for either film and tv stuff or live streaming. My girlfriend is a production assistant for a Netflix original right now in Atlanta. She has been pressuring me more and more to move to Atlanta and it seems like the proper thing to do but I have my reservations because I am horrible about driving it makes me want to throw up and their public transport is not dependable and the cost of living compared to their minimum wage is pretty bad. Her parents pay her bills. Her parents knew someone to get her that job. If I go there I am likely to just be stuck at another retail grind and I am not even sure if I could afford my own place on their wages. I do not have any higher education. I started college when I moved out but it had to be online because of the pandemic. here is where things get really stupid on my part. I cheated. We were at a low point in our relationship and had not seen each other in months or even been able to communicate much because of her job schedule and mine. A coworker came to me during my last week and told me she had feelings for me and we kissed. I feel absolutely abysmal about it. Yes my life was at an absolute low I was basically just working at this retail store and then coming home to a house that looked like an episode of hoarders buried alive and smoking weed and going to bed, but I do not want to excuse it. I feel like absolute shit. At this time I am back at my parents place with a fat savings account (good job me) and my girlfriend is still being very pushy for me to move to Atlanta immediately. I will probably break things off with her tonight. I am just so tired of all the pain and letting people in my life down. I think people have been as patient as they can be with me and as supportive as I probably deserve and I just keep fucking it up. I just want to have a roof over my head, the ability to support myself and the time to pursue my passions/hobbies seriously but its all so complicated now. I am so tired of letting everyone down. I am so tired of letting everyone down.",Depression +11252,"I am sorry I wanted to break the cycle of abuse I was born intoI'm sorry I thought it was a good idea to want a family of my ownI'm sorry I tried to create that family. Not once, not twice but 3 timesI'm sorry I did not keep my blonde hair and blue eyes after I was born and I am sorry that my father hated me for itI'm sorry I have such a hard time knowing how to love, love is not in my memories I am sorry I am a victim and I am sorry I have also been the villainI'm sorry I still cannot let goI'm sorry for those who ever have to deal with me. I know it must be like waiting on the dead.I am sorry I still have hopeI'm sorry I still want to tryI'm sorry I still want to know what it feels like to actually be lovedI'm sorry I cannot seem to find that love within myself I am sorry for everything I am sorry For what it is worth, I am sorry",Depression +41305,depression i love it,Depression +25915,do not have any money for anything. I can barely afford school supplies. This is horrible. Lost someone that I feel looks like me. I do not know how to feel. My sister says we should just have him cremated but I just want to have a chance to say goodbye. Dad pass away,Depression +18729,"I have had depression since 7th grade. I am 26 (female) and have all the things I thought I always wanted in life. A house, a loving boyfriend, two dogs, good joband I am not happy. Everyday is the same in depression world. Its been this way for years. I had one year of true happiness in my teens and it ended after the person I believe was my soulmate moved. I have tried talking to them and although they feel the same in terms of it being the happiest year of both of our lives they are content living their own life with their own partner and I am justexistinglike I always have been. The very few friends I have are great but they are busy with their own lives and honestly they do not want to hangout despite me trying to set up times to. Does anyone else live the same depressing day? I have gone out and taken walks with my dogs,visited family members, worked out, gone shopping, tried to take up hobbies but it does not work? Life feels like its spinning faster and faster each day passing by with absolute meaninglessness Groundhog day",Depression +41422,imohumoren that s where i have a problem not knowing who s is who till i got con of 00usd con another neighbour of 00k sold the gen in my family house now have till april end before i get kicked out all i have now is depression desperation without smoking,Depression +23977,"In fact, I will live. I have deleted many post here but I think this one I will keep this one around. there is no hiding it, depression will be a part of me until the day I die, but today is not that day. Fellow hollows, keep the good fight going even when hope is lost. Fuck depression and it is depressive abyss, there is is still some good we can bring to this world. I want to live",Depression +17322,"Spoke to a doctor taken well over a decade of denial and scraping by holding it together I was put on hold for 10 minutes and hung up a few weeks ago, but today I stuck it out and have an appointment coming up soon Actually looking forward to something that is not negative, here we go people step by step I finally made the jump (no not that one)",Depression +20724,It literally drains all my energy and causes me soo much anxiety. I think it has lead gradually to me being depressed. But its the highest paid job i can get with my qualifications. Should i step aside and take a paycut to be happier?Is life ok working a low paid job barely scraping by? Will that just make me more depressed.. Introvert doing an extroverts job,Depression +18000,"Hi so more than probably this post is not going to be seen but why not ask, I do not have any money simple as that, I am a hopeless soul in a good body. I would love to get help or something but without money I have no clue.Thanks How can a poor guy like me get help",Depression +9226,"Hi everyone, hope you guys are having a good Monday. I am a 24 year old female and tired about life. I deactivated my Facebook because I would get depressed seeing how happy everyone was. Classmates from high school are getting married, having kids, traveling, and having amazing accomplishments. It took me 6 years to get my bachelor's degree, while other people I know are getting their master's or getting accepted to medical school. I am currently trying to study for the MCAT but I cannot focus and end up crying all over my notes. It does not help that my parents always come to me whenever they need help with anything. I have an older brother but he does not do anything the the house, he treats the house like a hotel and my parents does not bat an eye. They do not discipline him at all and place all the pressure on me. My mom would also tell me that if anything happens to my parents that I need to take care of my brother, he is 26 years old. He does not have any mental disabilities. I am tired I want to move out but I do not have the money. What I hate most about my life is that I have no power whenever I try to tell my parents they need to try to solve problems by themselves or ask their other child they would get upset with me. They say I am the responsible one. I come from a traditional family, so as the oldest and the male should not he have more responsibility? Idk what to do the MCAT is a month away and I have not been studying and do not have the energy to get out of bed. I am tired, I want to be successful but my family puts me down",Depression +14138,"Here lately I have been feeling very trapped. I do the same thing every week, go to work, watch tv, clean, take care of pets, etc. I am just exhausted of it I am exhausted of having to deal with shit but I am also tired of not doing shit. I used to work as a manager of a restaurant and it was exhausting and as much as I loved the restaurant itself I grew to hate going to work, so I quit. Now I am just a regular employee at a different restaurant and I can barely survive bc I make no money. I hate that the only options I have are: 1) make lots of money but work 60+ hours and hate my life or 2) make no money barely work and still hate my life bc I have no money but hey i have free time. At this point I want pack a bag and just start a new life somewhere. I want to run away.",Depression +39586,i wa too honest with a therapist at my school and now i m being sent to a psych ward i m fucking pissed and i will be missing class i m literally about to cancel all the rest of my appointment,Depression +8906,"I was happy with some friends, after the subway ride home, i sit in my room feeling empty again and lost hope in my life A while ago",Depression +38182,wake up force yourself to eat breakfast go to school that s filled to the brim with people who don t like me and think i m weird overthink everything suffer through class get home sleep or do homework then go to sleep again repeat for the next few fucking year is there really any point if class were at least enjoyable i d manage to get through it and honestly most of them aren t horrible just one rd language class that i can t fucking get out of or get better at because how the fuck am i gon na find the strength to learn a whole new language i always get yelled at always stressed at that class because i know i won t answer correctly and i will get yelled at then go home and cut yourself because of it fun right,Depression +39044,existential crisis and angst ha become a month period drama for me every few month i will come across or think of a existential or scary thought where i ll go down a large rabbit hole and in the end become a nervous and terrified wreck i ve been through a existential crisis on mind philosophy sexuality identity apocalypse anxiety biology philosophy space anxiety and now it look like the next one will be quantum fucking physic based if i don t stop it in time i m just so sick of this cycle of fucking misery throughout my life i can t find any happiness or calmness because of my year is spent being terrified and super anxious sometimes i feel like lying down and cry but this depression ha made me so numb i can t cry anymore i just can t fucking take this anymore,Depression +47239,"I feel things getting bad again For context 2022 was the YEAR of my life. I lived abroad and had a blast. My anxiety was still there but at a minimal. I never felt so happy. So happy at times I felt like I was going to burst. It was insane. +February of this year I came back home. Home isn't a good place for my mind. My parents are awful and I always feel like I'm dorwning when I'm home. I've been home since February and I feel things going dark again. I'm sleeping way too much. Have no energy or desire to do anything and the awful thoughts of mot living are coming back. +I'm in between places right now. Kicking off a new career, that's why I came home. But things are going slow and I cant move away right now. +I feel like I was on the bery top of life and now I'm in rock bottom again. I'm lost and confused and my mind keeps things how easy it would all be if I just want living anymore. +I dont want to have these thoughts or feel this way.",Depression +40487,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co ez mwwwtqf,Depression +20866,I have been on venlafaxine for about 7 years. From amounts of 150-225mg. Over the last few months I have been weaning off of it. I was tired of having zero sex drive and basically numb to emotions. I have been on Wellbutrin the last few months as well. It was going well until I reached 37.5 mg of venlafaxine. My dr then prescribed me 30mg and I have been cutting them in half. I have reached taking a 15mg every 3 days with horrible withdrawal symptoms (but I felt like I could stand them almost.) I have reached day 4 and I feel like my whole entire world is crashing down. I changed from a patient kind mom to an aggravated short fuse mom. I have the worst brain zaps of my life. My vertigo is so terribly bad sometimes it feels like I am floating or taking steps when the floor is flat. And now every night I have excessive yawning where my whole body shakes and makes my chest hurt. Am I missing the signs? Should I not get off of it? Is it going to get better? I am feeling a huge panic attack coming. These tremors are awful and I have never experienced yawning with shakes in my chest like this. Any advice? Coming off venlafaxine/effexor help.,Depression +11904,Like why do I still bother waking up and getting shit done everyday I much rather just die I am genuinely just never happy,Depression +47305,"Why am I still feeling frustrated and crying even though I know the solutions to my problems? (Struggling with making new friends) I've been feeling awfully lonely lately, I've been socially isolating myself for the longest time now because I was dealing with shit like sudden weight gain, crying over my past, or having lack of friends in my class. + +But I know how to solve those issues, like going to a bar, talking on different discord servers, local meetups, or joining an interest club etc. Seems logical right? That's how to solve my feelings of loneliness. + +But at the same time I feel like everything requires too much effort. I want to make new friends, but at the same time I don't want to and I end up accidentally ghosting people because of my social isolation. I want to talk to people about my interests and discover new shows or theories, but at the same time I feel tired and don't want to. + +I end up sobbing again because I feel like I'm stuck in a loop like this and don't know what to do anymore. + +Please tell me what's wrong with me. I hate this dilemma.",Depression +41064,ijerph vol 9 page retraction lee et al nurse amp rsquo attitude toward psychiatric help for depression the serial mediation effect of self stigma and depression on public stigma and attitude toward psychiatric help int j environ http t co kaihyujyjl,Depression +37861,my first appointment is on saturday but i can t fucking wait this out it s only two more day i need fucking help but it s over a fucking zoom call and i really can not keep going on anymore i need help so bad i don t feel comfortable talking to anybody else fuck this should i just die already i can t keep waking up anymore,Depression +13868,"I am thinking today is the day but if not today, sometime very soon.I am writing this because I have to get it off my chest and I do not have many friends. And I do not want to be talked down.I have attempted when I was younger (pills just caused my body to react oddly, hanging myself I chickened out and untied it 2 hospital holds) When I am happy, I always fear that it will come crashing down and Ill kill myself.I am so stressed out all the time, every day.I live with a roommate who is gone for 6 months.I feel as if I have nobody, no matter how bad it hurts I cannot unload it.I am so TIRED.I have been feeling like this is the year I die.. ever since it started.I wanted to do more, get married, have a career, have kids, etc.Something to keep me grounded but I am almost 27 now and I just do not think it will happen. (I am far too emotionally unstable)I spend the holidays alone. I know Ill be spending my birthday alone in 2 months. I just want to be okay, but I do not think I can be. I cannot afford therapy, can barely afford to liveIm tired of stress and overthinking.The worst part of this is that I have a dog and I do not know how long it will be before I am found.I just cannot do this. My emotions are so big and I am always hurting. I literally only have bad dreams. I am not exaggerating. I remember my dreams nearly every night and they are all about the world ending and me having to fight and I am always losing.I keep trying and I know I am not trying hard enough but I just feel unlovable. A burden to be here and a burden to live.there is a gun in my apartment, I just have to find the keys. If I cannot find them, I have a few other plans in mind that are too embarrassing to say. I am writing this so there is something to look back on? Idk but I feel like its not even something I want but something I need.I feel so alone and annoying and just bothersome. Plus I cannot watch my family die.I am sorry to the people I hurt, I am sorry to my dog. Its so permanent and that is why I am scared but I know Ill be okay once its done.I love everybody & I love everybody reading this even if I could not be loved. here is to no more worries I think I am going to kill myself",Depression +8360,"Male in my mid going on later 30s. As context i spent my 20s dating and then pining after the one that got away who was my only girlfriend thus far. Then i let myself go and got really obese and just did not think about relationships for a while. I have tried improving myself, I make a six figure income, i travel the world, i dropped the weight so I am no longer obese. Paid for microneedling to remove acne scars.. and nothing despite trying every dating app. I even went on sites like SA to see if i could pay for companionship and still nothing. I share my picture and get ghosted. Its quite the hit to ones psyche. And I have been putting myself out there for over a year at this point. I have definitely had thoughts of just giving up and resigning myself to being alone for the rest of my life but that has cascaded into some fairly dark ""what is the point of it all"" notions in my head that id rather not contemplate again. So i get myself up and try again each day knowing its probably going to go on like the last :/ I am sure this is fairly common to some extent, but I have been getting reallg low more frequently because i think I am goibg to die alone with no kids",Depression +22649,i remember desiring bonds. fun conversations. a good laugh. a kiss. i wish i could forget it all. i wish i could stand up and leave. bonds.,Depression +20418,"I have heard countless people saying that they are hungry all day and gain crazy weight. For me, I feel less hungry during the day and crazy hungry at night. I am wondering if anyone on this sub has taken mirtazapine and been able to lose weight. Mirtazapine only makes me hungry at night.",Depression +9630,"do not know whether this is the right place to ask but hear me out.So one of my friend(let us name him J), he been through quite a lot - mainly anxiety, depression, and insecurities. My other friend (let us name him P) reach out to our friend group and said J has been ghosting us. Which is true, J has been rarely responding us even tho we reach out him. He said hes been overthinking a lot, his anxiety has been rising, and he needs time alone. Cut off from social media and everything. I understand and comply with his wish.However, there is something that is been bothering me with what P said. P suggests we should distance him, and show disappointment and negative emotions towards him. P believes that if we comply with him, it will only make him take granted for what we are doing and become selfish. Basically what P wants is that he wants J to know his behavior are cowardly and disrespectful to people around him, and that he should not ghost, rather confront us.I do not know what to do. Should we just leave him alone and let him figure it out. Or we make him learn that he should not ghost, but by harsh approach. Taking initiative and confronting him is also possible, but I do not know the right timing. If you have any other approaches, Ill gratefully listen to it. Thanks in advanceOn a side note, Ps intentions are for Js benefit. But its just not clicking with me. I may be bias by I try my best not to antagonize P. I want to help my friend, but do not know what to do.",Depression +48149,"Hopeless and want Hope I do not know where to begin. I found out my mom has stage 2 lung cancer and we have a complicated relationship. I love her but I do not like her as a person. She was very controlling, toxic and rough. I know she had the best intentions for me but she used shame to inspire me to be what she wanted. She helped to make me a people pleaser and obsessed with my weight. I do not hate her. I love her. I hate that I am not the daughter she wanted. She is trying to be kind now but it does not come naturally to her. + +I try to visit my folks every 2 months to help out as I am several states away. I am very sad as when my folks pass, they are both in their 80’s, I will not have any family of origin. + +I get sad thinking about attending a funeral. It is not sadness. It is deeper. I do not think I would be able to get on a plane. I think about this as my mom has let me know that I have to. I told her that I do not care what other people think. That is a lie. I do care deeply what others think. + +I am crying right now. It is more than my mom being sick. I grew up being told I was fat and told that everyone was talking about me. I know she just wanted a thin daughter and did not have the tools to tell me she would love me just as I am but was concerned about my health. She would just use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. I think she wanted to inspire me with these tactics. She and my dad both had rough childhoods and did not know how to parent. They sent me to good schools, bought me everything I wanted and tried their best with the limited knowledge they had. + +Still crying and feeling hopeless. I feel that my life has been so much to please them. And I failed according to them. They are both trying very hard to be loving now. I did not receive hugs growing up and do now. + +I am rambling. I just am very sensitive. I think my self esteem is so low that I do not know how to receive love now. +Please tell me if you had a complex relationship with a parent and how you handled end of life issues. How did you cope with a dying parent who made you feel like a failure ? +How do you go on after being told how terrible you are? +Why was she so rough? +Why did it take her finding out she has cancer to hug me and tell me I look good? +Why? +Will I find happiness after she dies? +Why do I hate myself? +Why why why and thanks.",Depression +40594,who ever said there wa a cure for depression wa seriously wrong you may be happy for a little while but in the end it always come back,Depression +21865,"I am so tired of living. I have everything going for me, I have a job since past six years, I have a wife (who is pregnant with our first child), I even bought some property (with mortgage) recently. But, all I can think about it ending it all. I have started to hate my work. Every morning I wake up anxious and tired. I cannot quit my job because of the coming kid. I already know that I will not be able to work anywhere else. Everytime anyone scolds me at work, or criticize my performance, it hurts. I try my best but I am not perfect.I keep on asking myself 'what is the point? Why I am alive even? Am I really useless?' Sigh. All I want is to retire to a mountain place. Or may be death will be better. At least I have insurance so family will be okay. I am so tired.",Depression +16699,"I have gotten into the college I want too, I got a girl that I am interested in (for ones during my time of being a guy who just had sex and drank to fill a hole). All these things are a possibility and I am just thinking how will I fuck this up?. Even when good things comes my way I cannot seem to be happy. Why cannot I accept happiness.",Depression +41274,mizzzidc la fisto how about you just move out wtf are you doing living with your parent anyway especially since you re claiming that it s causing your depression,Depression +12347,Hi guys. So I have been dealing with sexual intrusive thoughts for a while now and I feel absolutely crushed. Most of the time I have been able to just push them off as intrusive thoughts and clear my head. That all changed when I mastrubated to them to see if its not intrusive and I was able to. I never would act on any of the disgusting urges and/or thoughts but I feel absolutely terrible. I would like to deal with this myself bc I cannot afford therapy. Any thoughts? Sexual intrusive thoughts are ruining my life.,Depression +38849,ha anyone been prescribed mirtazapine or other alpha receptor antagonist to treat their anxiety i would prefer not to use start with ssri s what wa you experience,Depression +38888,so i just completed my rd admission a a inpatient and a big worry ha been my eye becoming damaged anyway on my way home today around pm to 0 when the sun is low and glare is heap the sun wa in my eye the whole way home i wa coming in from a angle you just couldn t block out i didn t have sunnys now i am paronoid i have sunburnt my eye or given them flash burn or whatever it is called i am already spiralling downward and can t even enjoy being my family again after being away for so long,Depression +37666,i ve kind of stuffed around a lot in my life delaying the inevitable of having to work a job and be a responsible adult and i m but the longest i ve ever held a job wa 9 month it wasn t that i m lazy i wa always doing other thing i enjoy but i know now unemployment ha caused most of my depression recently i just feel utterly hopeless when i think soon enough i ll have to move out on my own in some shitty house working a job i couldn t care le about to me it just seems like the perfect recipe to depression,Depression +22732,"I am 21 and I suffer from depression and panic attacks since 2019. I thought this would not be serious but repetitive lockdowns and online class ruined my hopes to quickly return to my former mental stability. I feel my mental health slowly falling apart month by month and I am losing hope in everything. Something in my mind keeps me from telling my family and friends. I do not want them to worry about me. Talking about it here is a huge step for me. The last few days were terrible. For the first time in my life, commiting suicide became something I could do. I will soon be leaving the family home to settle in another city for my studies and I am afraid how I am going to handle loneliness in addition to sadness and anxiety. I had my very first suicidal thoughts this week",Depression +8575,"I really cannot take it anymore. I am 22 years old and have spent most of my life depressed. I was getting better I thought but now I am back to square one I feel. All my friends have been treating me like shit for so long but they never used to, and I gained some self respect and now they are all turning on me. They kept on fucking up my life and making me feel like shit especially the last few months. I get blamed for other peoples wrong doings and they get away with it and then chat shit about saying how much of a dick I am even though they all bitch about each other. Whenever I try do the right thing, it goes wrong all the time. The more I try to get away from them the more they claw their way back into my life. I cannot escape. I thought starting therapy this year would be good but all its done has taken away my emotion less state, made me even more depressed and made me realise how much my family has fucked me up since day one. Not listening to me, gas lighting me and not taking me seriously from a young age has left me in capable of human connection and I just do not care anymore. I am so alone and all I want to do is kill myself but of course I agreed to travel 10 hours to visit my sister and now I am stuck here with my parents. I cannot stand being around my family for too long and I am with them for a week. I want to tell them how I feel but whenever I try to talk to them they get mad and say there is always a problemIm losing weight so quickly because I do not eat anymore and I do not want to. I am constantly in pain and my brain just will not stop racing thoughts all day until I go to bed. I am paranoid all the time and cannot trust anyone. I have small breakdowns everyday and I just cannot keep on going like this. Everything is falling apart around me and I do not want to live anymore",Depression +20417,"I have not told any family or about this, they have enough to deal with as it is and I do not want to be selfish by bringing my problems to them. I have a couple of friends but I think they would be able to get over it. I worry most for my brother, I am the only person he talks to and if I am gone then I cannot be there for him. Plus, they may think I am crazy and send my to a psychiatrist and I do not want to do that. If I could stop my existence without hurting anyone I love, I would in the blink of an eye. At the same time it is really selfish of me to want this, after all life is not about me, it is about helping my family and others. I want to become a doctor when I am older but my mind keeps chanting the mantra that I am not going to make it to adulthood, and I kind of want that to be true. it is not that I hate my life, it is that I hate myself. Please do not ask me to talk to a psychiatrist or my family about it, I am not going to, I will hide my whatever this is from them for as long as I have to, and do not give me any of that ""It will get better"" nonsense because it will not, you and I both know it is a lie. I just want ways to figure out what to do with myself and whether it is worth hurting my family to end my own suffering. I want to just stop existing, or disassociate with humanity? I do not want to be existing, like I want to go *poof* and be done with it, but not die. I do not want to suicide because it would go against my beliefs and hurt my family but living is pain for me.",Depression +39731,goodbye discord friend you were the only one to show me kindness even if it did end up being fake goodbye dad i m sorry you weren t here to see me in my final moment goodbye xchara you might been fake but you were someone who wa never rude to me goodbye self harm this is a bit of a stretch but you kept me alive for so long and i m thankful writing this down there s not much it s sad it s embarrassing but i ve said my goodbye there s nothing left now i ll hopefully be dead in a couple of hour goodbye anyone reading this i hope i don t come back,Depression +26516,"this life of ours is kind of fucked up is not it? going through everyday with this mental anguish is just so... awful, in everyway. even if some of us are lucky enough to catch a break, we will come crashing right back to where we were. i cannot escape. the only real way out is for me to ""disappear"" and even then I have fucked that up a few times now.I am so far beyond my limit. i cannot take it anymore, yet here i am. kill me and donate my organs to those in need. at least then I will have been some use to someone. I am nothing to anyone alive. completely stuck, giving up, self hatred, self abuse, pain.",Depression +10262,"Today is the death anniversary for my nephew. We lost him to a tragic drowning accident 9 years ago. He was two when he passed away and I was the only one in my family that ever got to meet him and be with him. I helped my sister raise him for the first few months of his life. it is hits me soo hard every single year. It never gets easy. Usually around this fine I have mt bestest friend that I have known since I was 18, would be here to talk with me and keep mt head sane. Sadly it is been 2 year on the 20th that I also lost her to a tragic health condition that stole her away. Last year I ended up coming off the deep end, being the first year I did not have her to be the ground I needed. This year does not feel much different. All I want to do is see his face again and hear her voice. I do not want to break down, I do not want this year to be like every other year but I already have not slept in days. All I can think about is all the people I have lost and how I need them now more than ever. I just want them back. This is the week I struggle the most.",Depression +41225,je t ai sauv de la rue tu l a sauv de la d pression,Depression +18931,"Hello guys, first of all sorry for my bad English I am going to make some mistakes I hope its readable, I made a post here a while ago when I had a fight with my dad, lost my ex etc I see professionals I take medication and I will not kill myself because I love my mom and I do not want to break her especially that she lost pretty much all her family, but my problem is that I am suicidal I cut myself a lot I am just so lost and broken I do not know what to do to make these dark thoughts / overthink stop, I really want to die but I cannot, so if you guys have any tips for me to forget my ex and my dad and to stop these never ending dark thoughts please tell me, thank you so much in advance take care everybody I am 20, I am suicidal and I need advice / help please",Depression +16472,"I am really at loss for what to do right now. About three months ago my dad was murdered. Just days before that, my relationship of several years ended, and two weeks after, my grandmother who practically raised me passed away. Since the passing of my dad everyday has been agony. Not only because of how much I miss him, but also because how much it pains me to see my mom this way. I have had mental health issues for many years, but with all this happening everything else I have ever felt bad about seems like nothing. This is the first time I have absolutely no idea on how to move forward. At nights I get this crippling feeling of being lonely. I just want someone to talk to, preferably about nothing and everything other than what is going on in my brain, but at the same time I cannot bear myself to text/call any of my friends.Its gotten so bad that I made this account just to post this, which as I am typing I realize I am not even sure why I am doing. I guess I just wanted to let some thoughts of my chest. Going through more than I can handle.",Depression +20316,Want to lay in bed all day. Everything feels pointless do not even feel like trying,Depression +26419,"Hi, I have been diagnosed with burnout/depression 8 months ago. I tried 4 months without medication, then 3 months with Lexapro which helped but not enough, then 3 weeks with Effexor which made me insomniac and I started Trintellix 2 weeks ago.I lost my job and had a breakup during this time.Time is passing and I do not feel coming back to my old self. I lack motivation, joy and enthusiasm which were part of my personality ! My question is : 8 months is quite a long time for a depression episode no ? I hear everybody struggled during 3 to 6 months.Does this means I will never return to my level of happiness and functioning ? Am I doomed ? I am loosing hope..",Depression +38775,i m almost and ever since i graduated i have been lost i didn t even look at college university my parent enrolled me in admin and i got the cert two then dropped out two time cert and then a spent a year and a half at makeup school which i regret because i still can t find a job out of it i do want to start my own freelance business but it hasn t happened yet lol then at i actually pursued a hairdresser apprenticeship which i ve wanted to do for a while i ignored all those telling me it s a sht job no money what ended up happening wa working at two different salon and causing nothing but chaos to their business the first salon got rid of me after three month after repeatedly getting people wet and failing to follow instruction the way she let me off made me cry on the way home like it break my heart whenever i have to remove someone passionate about hair but today will be your last day the thing is i lied that i wa passionate about hair when really i really am not then i found a job at a salon closer to home everyone there wa a lot older than me and i found it hard to talk to them but they were understanding and very kind they wanted me to quit my waitress job to focus on my career this salon wa a lot smaller and easier than the other one whole place made up of just four chair i worked there for four month caused abit of chaos bleach dye got on customer at some point failing to follow instruction when super busy fast paced on one tragic friday they sat me down and told me some sad serious thing they said they were dissapointed for one there were a few complaint from customer i wa still getting water in someone s eye and forehead too harsh with the wash brushing that same customer ear then they told me someone had been secretly asking for someone else to wash their hair and apparently i haven t been paying attention or focusing or using my common sense and that i need to speak up that night i started to get paranoid that i wa add or had a learning disability im pretty sure i do all over again or even a lack of common sense to my mum the answer is always you don t help out at home so that s why you can t do anything at work start from home first despite all that my boss still gave me a chance and told me they still agreed to let me stat my cert in hairdressing even though i m five week behind and told me to practise washing hair instead of root colour i wa holding back tear the entire meeting right after leaving i had another mental breakdown on the way home my parent were going to leave for a birthday but then cancelled and were concerned i made an instant decision that it wasn t for me and ended up quitting over text then not going to work the next day or going to first day of tafe class the apprenticeship is supposed to be year five day in a salon and once a week in tafe a few day later they called me to come pick up my pay because they decided to under pay me and in cash until i officially started my apprenticeship they were softer this time and asked if it wa any issue with the staff or even them and i denied it all the guy told me he thought i would have come back after the talk and pulled through you know like improve fought they made me feel guilty and want to ask for a second chance to still work for them and pursue the apprenticeship my mum reminded me that i know myself if i stayed they would end up sacking me anyways my mum think it s better to quit before getting fired and getting a bad reputation it s not good for me or their business it s kind of embarassing so yeah there s my experience on trying to become a hairdresser unfortunately for me i do have a case of social anxiety and it s hard for me to speak up i also get a bit grossed out about touching an old guy hair since my first hair salon job i have cringed watching my bos fake laughing to customer how fake you have to be a well ughhh it s not for me is it now i m thinking about going back to studying admin to get an office job while waitressing on the side or i wouldn t mind being a waitress for the rest of my life just some more irrelevant rambling you don t have to read the last thing i want is to end up a factory worker like my dad which everyone in my family seems to look down on my younger bro went to uni right after high school and work towards becoming an it or something i have always been the dumb rebel sibling lol simpson s bart and lisa balance right there it s fine i ll just be the dumb pretty one like the haley character out of modern family except i m not a party girl or ever been in a relationship might a well get a boyfriend for once anytime soon each year that s passed since finishing school in 0 ha consisted of cry in my room over being a failure the first year i started to have withdrawal symptom from being let off antidepressant on the bright side unlike the other sad year i actually have a job before that it wa so hard to even land an interview i have two hospitality related job,Depression +47380,"Sometimes I wish they knew I’m a very lighthearted person on the outside. Joking is how I connect with others, and it’s how I cope. But inside I am miserable. It’s my own fault for not opening up to people in my life, but at the same time there’s so many reasons not to. But sometimes I wonder how my friends, coworkers, teachers, and family would react if they found out what I’m going through, if they somehow understood. I just wish someone understood me.",Depression +18198,"I do not know if people could understand me, but while people are busy with their life trying to reach their dreams, learning, improving and spend their time having friends and love ones. I was focus in trying to find ways to end my life I did not try to remember peoples names or to try to make a lot of friends, to study hard, to compete or to have fun with friends. I could not remember my teachers name, even the places I have been , the people I have met I did not bother to remember them because I was thinking that it would be useless because I wanted to die anyways.. and now that I am on my twenties and there are times when I feel better and wanted to go forward.. I cannot because i did not know how to live like a normal human being.. I feel like I did not know anything and wasted years in my life not learning about life.. and now that I wanted to live sometimes.. I cannot and I do not know how. I feel like an alien seeing other people and try mimicking how they do things even though I cannot fully understand..I am different because my sole purpose was to die while everyone else wants to live How to live",Depression +47478,"My hearing is fading + +I’m on Zoloft and it feels like I have a cotton ball in my right ear. This has been slowly developing over a few days and I just read that it can be caused my antidepressants. Should I be worried?",Depression +24470,"I have been hesitating on creating this post, but today I ripped off the band-aid and quit my full-time job.Honestly, I quit because I felt mediocre, incompetent, and completely disengaged from that specific career field. I have been struggling with depression for a while now and cannot get my find to focus on the right things.However, I feel incredibly guilty because I have not even pushed myself to complete 1 year at this company.Now, I am going to pursue a job that pays less and offers fewer benefits, but is something I am way more interested in.I am so worried that other people will call me out on being privileged enough to do something like this.Has anyone been in this situation? Should I have stuck it out at my previous job? Just quit my job after less than a year - Did I make a mistake?",Depression +11594,"its impossible for me to feel good about who i am, its impossible for me to ever comfortable doing anything or being around anyone, its impossible for me to function as easily as anyone else can, its impossible for me to have confidence in myself or anything, its impossible for me to make any decision no matter how big or small without worrying, its impossible for me to make a decision without regretting it and hating myself, its impossible for me to not feel like people are just testing me or playing mind games with me,its impossible for me to not feel like everyonesecretly hates me,its impossible for me to feel good being alive, its impossible for me to not feel pressured and depressed hearing about the responsibilities and things that come with peoples lives,its impossible for me to not be hyper aware of everything i do and everyone and everything around me,its impossible for me to not feel like I am worthless bc i am not a person that has made a special impact nor anyone elses life better,its impossible for me to feel good about having a life when i remember all the things that made me feel bad, its impossible for me to not feel like crying bc i fail at trying to connect with people and attempting to have a fun life,its impossible for me to not feel like i am just a broken soul being dragged around by other souls through their lives,its impossible for me to not feel like my existence is me just spectating on other people lives because i do not have my own,its impossible for me to not feel like how i feel now is not just going to get even more worse,its impossible for me to be sure if i want to attempt living a happy life because i think about how so many terrible stuff goes on around the world and i sometimes do not want to be apart of a world like this anymore living happily seems impossible",Depression +12385,"My original language is not EnglishI feel to embarrassed to write it on a forum in my own country.I am really into strapon porn and light humiliation.I occasionally order a bottle of poppers and go at it on femdom porn, I usually trow the bottle away afterwards because I am disgusted.I am active at prostitute websites and go hunting for prostitutes that off kinky services.It goes on and on like this, femdom porn and prostitutes. People around me think I am gay.I once had a girlfriend and sex and the femdom urges went away.I am not bad looking but to insecure to date, I am 35 and I need to get a girlfriend or wife.Today I paid a prostitute to use my own strapon on me, she only did it for the money, but she looked at me with a weird look on her face.One hour later I went to another prostitute and did the same.It was really stupid because I better could go to a pro domme, but I was to horny.I do not know if I just need this type of sexual activities or I have a real problem.I go to a psychologist to talk, but I do not really think she gets these issues. Depressed about my sexual circle",Depression +47106,I can't focus at all on anything it just took me 3 hours to read and understand 30 slides of my lecture in a course that i wanted to do. I have no clue how to get this done until my exam,Depression +12486,"I guess you could say I have been going through it a bit recently, I tend to distance myself from people during this time instead of talking about anything to anyone. I have found that recently, whenever any of my friends vent or unload their problems to me, it triggers me and causes me to self-harm.I guess I need to work more on my communication skills, because I typically do not ever make my needs or boundaries very clear to anyone. But sometimes I find it very difficult to tell people that I cannot be there for them when they are clearly in a crisis. I also hold back from opening up to my friends, because in a way, I know how it affects me when others do it and would not wish the same on them. And it sometimes seems like me telling them that I feel overwhelmed also feels like me unloading? How can I possibly bring it up without feeling like a hypocrite? Just some thoughts going through my head right now.I am just curious as to if anyone else is experiencing something similar and/or has any advice, or even support. Thank you so much for reading <3 (TW) My sh is triggered by my friends",Depression +37845,i don t really feel like i could talk to anyone here about it i sure a hell don t have the motivation to get a therapist though it would likely help honestly sometimes i wonder how i m expected to make it so many year there s just no way i can afford to smoke enough weed to get through even though i graduate in a couple month and move to college i know it s not gon na get better it s the same but new and ill just get to relive this hell again truthfully i have no hope for the future despite my inability to pull my own plug i realized however i don t think i could kill myself not anymore so i ll just keep sitting here though i really don t want to,Depression +20479,"After looking online for over a year and applying to jobs after quitting my tier 4 job due to depression and anxiety of starting that new tier 4 job, I am now closer to finally obtaining a job. it is a Tier 2 job. Here are the positives and negatives of that Tier 2 job:**Tier 2 job.****Pros:**\+Transportation is one I have done before and only two buses\+The job is in a department that I would like to work in\+The job is one I have done before and have actually done a Tier 3 and Tier 4 job before, so the stress level would not be as high as starting a higher tier job\+Because it is a Tier 2 job vs a Tier 4 job, I could pass probation potentially easier, thereby giving me tenure in the job**Cons:**\-it is a step back in position from my tier 3 and 4 jobs\-The money is about half of a tier 4 job**The problem is this:**I have an interview for a Tier 4 job tomorrow.**Tier 4 job.****Pros:**\+The pay is twice what I would make at the Tier 2 job\+I should be at the Tier 4 job given that I both qualify and worked at a Tier 4 job over a year ago (before quitting due to depression and anxiety)\+The job is a job that I like, in a department that I want to work in**Cons:**\-Transportation is longer than Tier 2 job (3 buses each way)\-Tier 4 job (like my last Tier 4 job that I quit) would most likely bring higher stress than Tier 2 job\-Traveling is nearly half of the job**I need advice on what you guys think, which route to go, and any wisdom.** Need advice concerning which job to potentially pick.",Depression +8858,"i have goals and ideas that I have been wanting to pursue since forever but i still just cannot get myself to do anything. whenever i have free time i opt for the most comforting activity rather than something productive. and my biggest problem is that when i finally buckle down to do something productive, i stop when things begin to get hard. I am just so lazy. i know depression plays a big role in why I am like this but idk. i want to better myself so so unmotivated to do anything",Depression +14076,Btw I am Female. But This is my wish. I just want sleep. My life is meaningless and pointless. Little girl go to sleep please,Depression +39219,m i had extreme anxiety depression year of my short life i spent in a bedroom avoiding human contact at all cost didn t show up for family event had 0 friend cancelled every appointment someone else made for me to keep it short i seen no light at the end of the tunnel i realized the mental destruction wa all within myself it took me year of dark endless thought to realize that anyone in the same position please consider this if you are stuck in a bedroom move it will change you for the better go for walk get comfortable going to the grocery store get out the comfort zone you are in amp you will become a better person my dream seemed so far fetch but to others it wa normal life force yourself god ha a plan for everyone on this earth and that includes you,Depression +12912,No body wants to be my friend Everyone acts like I do not exist,Depression +37741,i just found out my boyfriend is depressed i really want to be there for him but i feel like i ve only been saying the wrong thing how can i be there for him help him and see him get better i m worried it will continue to the point it will consume him i can already see his personality changing and i m scared for the future what thing can i say or do to comfort or help,Depression +23431,I literally have no one except my mother. She of course does not even understand the quarter of the shit I deal with (she is an immigrant after all who was brought up in a different culture) and I just feel so stuck and alone and lonely I cannot anymore Feel like jumping off a bridge but the thought of my mother makes me feel so stuck,Depression +11050,"Hey guys - I am 32M, and have had pretty severe depression and anxiety for many years now. When I think about it, I think it all started with my mother's death when I was a child, but for many years I buried everything, I got on with life, did not complain, went to school, went to work, did ok in life. But somewhere around the age of 21 I just cracked, I started having sleep problems, I felt anxious and depressed and even had nightmares about my mother a lot and I just could not function. But instead of seeking help I tried to just march on with life, as I had done before, but this time I was not able to. Things got worse, I was isolated, did not respond to messages/calls from people I knew, became more isolated and tried to commit suicide. I wish I had known that I was genuinely depressed. As strange as it sounds I had no idea what was going on with me. Not a single person noticed in my life, they were terrible with things like mental health etc. Not an ounce of support or understanding, just a tacit understanding that I should not talk about anything like this.I spent a period of 2-3 years pretty much bed ridden, even more isolated, lonely, health failing, mind crumbling. But with therapy and medication managed to crawl out of that hole. It has been 10 years now, 10 years of struggle and I still cannot believe it has been that long. I have been destitute, alone, isolated, homeless for a period, jobless for long stretches. Basically just so unwell that I was not able to ever plan for anything, or get my life back together. I was taking it an hour or a day at a time. There were days when just brushing my teeth was an achievement. But how could I explain this to someone? I could barely look after myself.I managed to start medication and get therapy and that was a huge help, and for the past 3 years or so I have been doing ok, but there are still moments when the pain I carry from those difficult years are hard to shake off. I thought I had friends, I thought I had family, but when the time came I was truly alone. Not a single person really helped me, and that broke my heart and changed many of my relationships. I do not feel the same, even though I still see some of these individuals...Anyway, long story short, I think I am doing ok now, but at times it really gets me down when I think of all the time I have lost, I know there is nothing I can do about it, and on better days I tell myself just to carry on and it will be ok. I try not to compare myself to friends or anyone else, but at times I look around and see people I know, people who were at one stage the same as me, and they are doing great in terms of career and relationships, and I am truly happy for them, but I see myself and it really crushes me. It dawns on me how truly sick I was and how much time I have lost, and it is hard to get myself out of that hole. I feel like I still struggle a lot and it has cost me relationships/friendships and also financially/career-wise. I look healthy, I am tall, have hair, in very good shape, but I cannot seem to tell anyone, a few times I have tried but how do you open up with such heavy stuff. Family members have just dismissed me, and acquaintances sometimes cannot believe me because they say I look like I am well. But deep inside, there are days and weeks where I feel such pain that I do not know if I can carry on.I do not know why I am posting this today, I have had an ok week, but this morning I woke up and just felt terrible. I am still on medication and yesterday picked up some more from the pharmacy. The only thing is because I take generic sertraline sometimes the brands change, I do not know if my mood has anything to do with the fact that I started taking another brand of sertraline the other day...but I just feel so low right now, have not felt like this in months, I feel like killing myself, it is a horrible soul-crushing feeling and I feel like I should hang myself to just stop feeling this. It just crept up on me all of a sudden. I know this sounds a bit negative but I just needed to reach out and talk to some fellow human beings, and just be heard and listened to, I do not have anyone I can tell and I feel like I am drowning right now. I feel such profound pain it is almost making me cry, which never happens. Like my mood is just out of whack and cannot be controlled.Please, anyone, help, suggest something or just say you hear me and that I am not alone. I really need to just talk to someone, or to be heard. Having a really bad day.",Depression +14993,"I do not know what to do anymore.. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed from all the expectations and so much things happening around me. I kept on trying to cheer myself up, but it seems that it is not working anymore.. these past few months I have always felt something heavy in my chest and had lots of failed attempts. I want to reach out for help, but I am too tired to connect and scared that they will judge me and say something like ""it is not that big of a problem"" ""you are just being sensitive"" that is why I am here, sharing my on the internet. I just want to be genuinely happy.. I want a hug, is it too much to ask for? I just want someone to give me a hug and say everything's going to be fine",Depression +26691,I just want to be happy. I feel like its so little to ask for but I can never reach that goal. I do not fit in with anybody and people just treat me like shit wherever I go or whoever I am with. Why do I have to exist in never-ending pain. I want to go to sleep one last time and never wake up. Endless Sadness,Depression +48108,Fuck this I’m trying so hard to better myself and not feel so fucking depressed but it’s hard when it feels like you have no support and nobody seems to understand. It’s hard enough having a fucked up mental but now you add everything else going on and it feels like a lot of things are just so insignificant,Depression +8520,"I am 21, have bpd, and hate my life. I have no friends, no money, and no will to live for anything. All old friends and exes in the past left me and I have no interest in finding new people. I have a horrible family life that is too long to explain. I just cannot find any joy or happiness in life and feel I have not since I was a kid. My sister killed herself when I was 19 and that was the thing that killed me inside. I have been dead ever since. I do not know what to do anymore. I really want to end things but I want my family to die first so it will not hurt them. I am 100% alone and truly have no one. Reading these posts helps, but I just wish I did not exist anymore. Everyday is painful. I just want to know if its really true that people can come out of this. I want friends, a boyfriend, and a happy life but I cannot seem to have it. I am already dead inside",Depression +37674,idk how to elaborate on it i just started suddenly cry for no real reason and couldn t stop for like 0 minute doe anyone else have this problem i m just wondering,Depression +48105,"I need to know if this would be a painless way to go im not depressed i dont think i just have some really big problems going on and i hate my life so much, I really want to die but I don't want to feel pain or anything cos that would suck, so I was thinking would a lethal overdose on some sort of drug be painless or would it hurt?",Depression +20628,"Our friendship has definitely concluded, last I heard about them they refused to talk to me because I betrayed their trust. I do not want to post details but to make a long story short, a woman I fell out with spent some time with them after we fell out and their silence started thereAfter being friends for almost 10 years I do not think its too ridiculous to at least get an explanation but I know deep down his strings are getting pulled by other people. I am mad they allowed this to happen and constantly want revenge, but I would also just gladly forget about them if I knew how. Any advice for someone who lost their closest friend and is not sure if they want to hurt them or forget them.",Depression +24478,could not really find the perfect title its more about the process of finding someone which I would consider dating and I was wondering if someone here felt the same or experienced the same and might give me some advice.So I had this happen a few times in the last year where I get to know someone and it feels like I am completely falling in love with the other person even tho I barely know them just because it feels nice being around them. But it really hit me a week ago. I met this girl at a party and we had a one night stand sorta. We could not sleep alot so we just layed next to each other talked and kissed for like 6 hours till 11am.I have not felt better in the last year. I just felt safe being with her. When I woke up that night I did not think about how I wanted to sleep again or how I would just like to kill myself my mind was at rest atleast for a while.do not get me wrong I liked that girl but I barely know her and she is probably not even really my type but I still feel like I would do anything for her or for being with her again and more often. Its not rational but this happens so often although this time the feeling is so much stronger. I feel like I am being so heavily influence by the fact that I am not feeling good at all. This makes things like that so much stronger and I cannot think rational. I cannot distinguish between the feeling of me actually being into someone or just being into the feeling I get when I am around them. And you could probaly change that girl with any other random one and Id feel the same for just that person. Just because I did not think about blowing my brains out while next to her I feel like she is the one.Anyways thanks for reading. Similar storys/thoughts and advice very much appreciated. Thanks in advance and sry for my probably very unstructured thoughts and repetitve writing (cannot even remeber things i did 20 seconds ago so writing is hard lmao fuck me) Dating with depression,Depression +40542,also still struggling to ask my parent to help me set up for an adhd diagnosis a well a for my mental health a much a i say i do have thing like adhd depression and anxiety i haven t officially confirmed that it suck that i do because i can t get the support i need,Depression +41281,babdhlamini she s looking for cheap therapy talking about depression and all like this singular act won t push her down that path faster,Depression +24852,"and yet it has not gotten any easier to deal with, i still struggle every single day and have not learned how to get over these feelings. wanting to kill myself has been on my mind for so long it just feels so normal to me now",Depression +39071,i m and my anxiety ha been getting worse and worse a i fly towards adulthood at mach i ve started carrying around a plush of one of my favorite character it really comforting i want to start brining it to school because that s where a lot of anxiety happens but i don t know if i ll be able to ignore everyone s judging eye doe anyone else do this is it a healthy coping mechanism,Depression +47260,"does it ever get better? i (23F) have been struggling with my mental health since i was 13. + +i started taking sertraline for anxiety about two years ago, which helps some but not for the panic attacks. + +ive started mirtazapine for sleeping which helps. + +but the depression is something that hasnt gone away. most days, its manageable. im good for a couple weeks, i do my schoolwork, i clean, im motivated to do everything and anything, i feel amazing. then for a couple weeks its bad again, i struggle to get up and go to school, my rooms a disaster, i shut down and it just seems like ill always be in this cycle.",Depression +20360,"Sometimes it hits me how literally nobody knows nor will ever know my pain and sadness. I think we subconsciously believe that we are in some kind of movie where an audience knows how we feel and feels sorry for our character. But there is not. You are completely alone. Or at least I am.I will die one day and no one will ever know my story and how I really felt. Everybody thinks I am alright, maybe a bit introverted. Meanwhile I am crying as soon as I am alone and I am constantly planning on how to kill myself, probably without ever going through with it tho. I am alone in my pain.",Depression +13782,"I feel like I am losing ground on my progress. I took a vacation with my family for the first time in 7 years and I feel like shit now. Over the last 7 years I saw both my siblings get married, my niece was born, brother got divorced, I went through 3 career changes, went on unemployment for 6-9 months, hit rock bottom fully wanting to kill myself because of a girl, moved a full state away to get away from her, ended up moving back and I could go on for a novel at this point. Throughout those 7 years I struggled, scraped by and survived by mere ratted threads. I feel guilty and ashamed for taking a week off with my family because I do not think I deserved it. I feel like a terrible friend that I will not talk to my roommates or my family because I do not want to be a burden to anyone, even the r/depression community, even though they are the most supportive people I know. It seems everything i am grateful for seems to increase my depression. Like I do not deserve to be happy or to enjoy the little things. Sorry for the long post I have been holding onto a lot for awhile. I feel like I am losing ground",Depression +19294,i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate the fact that I am a failure in school. and stupid lazy fuck who cannot do anything with their life other than complain. I am a useless waste of sperm. i do not hate anyone more than i hate myself i hate my life,Depression +6988,"My mom made me go to a camp that she knows I hate. Now I hate most days the only good time is at midnight where I can think to myself, but I do not want to call CPS because she does small things but they build up and I do not want to be taken away from my dog. So does it get better? Does it get better",Depression +9577,"All I do all day is sit at my pc, not because I like it, but because I do not have the energy to do anything else. I want it to stop, I need it to stop. If therapy and medication will not make it stop, I will. I cannot anymore",Depression +18664,"I transfered to a new school when the pandemic started. It was pretty hard because my mental health was declining and i got diagnosed w depression, bipolar, and bpd.During the last school year, I had a classmate that was clearly suicidal. I always worried about her until one night she said goodbye in our class gc and left. We were frantic trying to check on her but thank god she was alive....that was not the last time it happened.It happened so many times that people in my class started to not like her because not only is she triggering but also do not help out in group works and she excuses it with her breakdowns (it also started to look like she liked the attention she was getting from it)Ngl she triggered a breakdown for me.Its like the boy who cried wolf. Its tiring.Last night she said goodbye again and i felt... disconnected. I want her alive but i do not feel anything towards the situation anymore. I told her friends to contact her parents and when her friends could not contact anyone (we do not have wellness check in my country) i just thought ""nothing i can do anymore.. guess we will wait.""Just now, she joined our class out of nowhere and asked the teacher if she could eat because ""its my last meal jk.. its because ill die"" of course everyone felt uncomfortable and the teacher got uncomfortable as well but thought she may be joking.I am tired honestly. I do not think she is doing it for attention. I do not see it as a light situation.Am I the asshole for feeling disconnected from the situation even though its mentally triggering and draining? Am I a bad person for disconnecting myself from my suicidal classmate?",Depression +47686,Is psychomotor retardation fixable I don't want to feel like this forever,Depression +15294,"After getting ""fake"" heartbroken today over a ""obsessive fantasy"" I had with a guy and learning he has a girlfriend, I realised that all my previous trying has led to nothing but misery. I go to work and do a degree but for what? I still live with an abusive parent, have c-ptsd, am not even interested in any material goods. I wanted to get a degree so I can have my own family one day but that dream is also gone, I am too mentally fucked for thatI'm going to let my body go on autopilot aka continue to go to work so nobody gets suspicious but that is it. In my free time I will just cry and rot in bed like I already do. I am 25 years old and things always end in pain and sadness for me no matter what. That 30 seconds of happiness is not worth 30 days of pain so I decide to stop trying. Letting my body go on autopilot and continue dying inside",Depression +47831,"need help soon I am looking for help or for someone to talk to. Things have been bad for me lately, but I am finding myself planning my suicide and thinking about it more and more often. Things are only getting worse and I'm feeling hopeless. I don't have money or insurance to admit myself to a hospital, or to even see a therapist. I've thought about using online therapy. I'm against the idea of it, I don't want to do it over the screen, but it looks like my only option. I don't have any money at all, I don't think I can even afford something like BetterHelp. Does anyone have any advice?",Depression +37781,my bf is in a depressive episode atm i m still learning and would like to know more about depression while in an depressive episode is every day the same for you do you have good day in between coming out of depression do you feel much better from one day to the next or is it a slow process with back step too sorry for all the question just want to understand better what my bf is going through,Depression +10301,"I just turned 18 and feel like I have wasted my teenage years, I have had good memories but I have not done a lot of things like go to parties or get into relationships like most people my age. I have got a good group of friends but I do not think I have lived my youth to the fullest, I do not really go out a lot because there has not been much to do, and there was a period where I really did not hang out with my mates. I must have only been to about 5 parties in my life and I have only kissed 2 girls ever. I have been diagnosed with depression and Anxiety and I often feel anxious about trying new things. Ill never get these days back and its upsetting me hugely. I have heard these are the best and most youthful days and I feel I pissed them away and there is not really anything to live for Is life worth living after 18",Depression +25392,"did everything right, did things the way they should be done, always chose the selfless choice. But still cannot get the right results i always end up disappointing myself and getting people disappointed. What do you do when you already did what is right? Feeling like a disappointment to humanity",Depression +38934,hey guy i wanted to throw this out there and see if any of you would be interested i m looking to start a group zoom meeting for people with anxiety depression bipolar etc it s going to be totally free we can share our story meet up once a week and just talk about how we are doing our feeling really anything to vent you can use fake or real name doesn t matter i will also be approving people to join so i make sure they are real people would anyone be interested in this i know some people can can t afford therapy so i feel like this will also be good for those who can t,Depression +47344,"I got a psychiatrist that says , i´m going to be fine soon.But this life wouldn´t be worth living if i don´t get diagnosed with smthg. because then i got some solid proof i am the problem and not my brain(chemicals) I am not able to do anything , had some ""mental breakdowns"" i am scared to call people or socialise , even though i am a empath ,i keep extreme anger with me and can´t controll it , sometimes i just start to rage for small things cuz i feel like beeing on the edge at all times. I keep getting more hopeless the more days i life on this planet. + +Hyperfocused but then slow in thoughts and processing things. + +Hungry but not wanting to eat. + +Feelings of extreme tension and not-knowing my future due to big problems with work/education , family relationships , legal problems , substance abuse , traumatic stressful events happened often in my life, disresepect from many people around me ,that think i am just a lazy ,looser, too stupid to go to work and live a normal life( that shit hurts bad when feeling i do everything my body could ) + +&#x200B; + +The moment i got myself some help was when my suicidal thoughts got really bad and kept cycling lots of times a day in my head and crying , lying on the floor and sleeping too much without the good feeling of rest and beeing awake. + +&#x200B; + +I had a dream days ago : Of me beeing in a city and very very strong winds would blow , the people seem to walk normal and don´t feel the force but i feel it and need all my energy to take slow small steps , people watch me and look at me like i was doing something wrong , i felt like this describes how i feel best ( thank you subconscious ) there´s alot of suffering included that i can´t explain (feelings of guilt , not beeing able to move like everyone else) i feel tho as it would be a good metaphor for people to understand my point of view. + +&#x200B; + +I got a half-brother that is rather unsupportive and just saying something if he complains or wants me to feel bad , when i told him about my depression there wouldn´t be much said but then after a few weeks he felt like he should joke a bit about that and not taking it serious. Well brother you are not invincible to depression , take care in the future i told him and he shouldn´t be like that because it´s A very serious and dangerous illness ( his mom had a suicide attempt and is schizophrenic but he still doesnt understand the situation for me ) . I think he is a stuck soul and using narcissist behaviour to feel better about himself. + +I´ve seen things when i was younger that a child wasn´t supposed to see. + +&#x200B; + +for example : + +A friends sister was a heroin addict and i saw her tripping hardcore with 8-11 years of age. + +I saw real and brutally disturbing footage of ISIS and 2 people get decapitated with chainsaw and a knife , with 11 years. + +I saw some other nasty footages of suicides and other things that you shouldn´t watch as a kid ( horror movies aswell but they were not as disturbing ) + +Took some LSD when i was older , then the friend of a friend came home(who was a hunter) with a plastic bag and the head of a baby deer bloody nasty and not good when your on LSD) + +I´ve always had problems with my family and respect due to conflict with everything outside my home and then coming home and listening to financial problems of my mom and how my dad betrayed her and sh\*t just overloaded me (ALWAYS) + +All that stuff is terrible and if u have kids , don´t let them ever live a life like that , u are fcked real bad afterwards. My brain is not the same , i have mental breakdowns nearly everyday. And suicidal ideation is just the good part of it. + +&#x200B; + +I feel like my thoughts are hella aggressive and dark , sometimes when i just see words like bloodthirst , bloodshed i seem to calm down and I´m good , is this how my brain copes with things now? it needs trauma and horrifying things to calm down? + +&#x200B; + +I watch myself as a person that tries it´s best to keep going but not having people that understand mental illness and not providing support in a healthy way.. And bad things happen to me all the time but i keep going cuz the immortality of our soul is not bound to this earth but to the universe , so you can´t escape , not even with deleting yourself. + +&#x200B; + +I feel like i can´t ever escape but it somehow is good to deal with my problems rather than ignoring them. + +&#x200B; + +Edit: I guess i wasted my time now but it feels like i cleaned some emotions up. Cheers moderator ",Depression +13062,"I am about ready to just give up. I have been trying to get through this depression BS for far too long now. Years of counseling and medication. Lifestyle changes including healthier diet, exercising, meditation. Attempts at connecting with other people. Attempts at pursuing hobbies. Going out and trying new things, being active.I just cannot keep doing this anymore. I need something to change. I am lonely. I am tired. I am hopeless. Hanging on by a thread",Depression +13815,"I am tired of depending on others. No one is there for me like I am for them. This going suck. I am not happy. I thought Id be in a better place by now. I thought Id be a better by now. I am glad I was able to help all the people I could in my life. I am a person with a good heart who just was not to be here. To everyone that loves me, I love you too. Sadly I do not love me I think its time",Depression +37678,i don t think i have the ball to do it but i ve become obsessed with the idea of killing myself all i can think about is suicide i ve developed a deep and genuine hatred for myself i don t want to live to see another day i don t want to get better bc i don t deserve it i wish i had the courage to kill myself,Depression +7131,"what is the point of studying,working or having a relationship if i know exactly what the outcome is going to be.Which is not happiness in my case. For some people, it is easy to say "" Be yourself "" but they also has a list of expectations of my future that even i do not really care about. How is that fair? If you are a parent and you are reading this , please do not force your expectations/ dreams on your children just because you had a miserable life because you had kids. it is not the kids fault to be born in a world surrounded by expectations. I feel like nothing really matters in life anymore",Depression +16008,"Even if I would try, I probably would not have the balls to pull it off. I am to scared to end it, its pathetic",Depression +12754,Everyone here is really helped me. I took a huge step and moved on from my toxic ex and finally am over here and I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and a counselor and my family doctor. I am finally taking steps to help my mental health! I finally let go of my toxic ex and I have a doctors appointment!,Depression +16451,"F29. I have a narcissitic father. He was not very involved in my childhood, i can say that i had a very happy childhood. The brainwashing started in teenage years, i was manipulated to go to the university he wanted, the profession, the job, he arranged everything, and i constantly reminded ""you chose it yourself, nobody forced you"". I wanted to drop the uni, but pulled ""i will die if you drop"". So i finished, started the work, and then left the job before the pandemic, i am unemployed for a year and half. All this time i try to learn something, but i cannot concentrate, i cannot read more than 2pages. Constant remindind that i am such a loser that did not listen to him. I would love to go to another university, but i do not want to fail, beacause i cannot study, remeber anything. Another problem is i am not sure what field,direction to choose. I was so brainwashed since teenage years, to go into the field mu dad chose, that i have no idea what i would like to do,work, i have trouble to remeber what interests i had in childhood, how to get to know myself? what i could be good at? How to remember who i was before?",Depression +38108,so i recently wa put up for a promotion at work to a position that would allow me to work le hour le day and make more money while also furthering my future i have never been happier until recently i m in the final stage of the process to get hired but i m still currently in my previous position we have a rule at work you can be late once per 0 day if you go over that you get written up and put on a disciplinary level which wouldnt be so terrible if one of the stipulation of being put on a disciplinary level is being unable to transfer position for a year so on sunday morning i wake up and start making breakfast what i do every morning on my day off i ve been off every other weekend for the past year so i go into autopilot and sit at the table look at the clock and think i d be at work right now so am roll past and while i m wating i see my phone buzz so i pick it up and look at the screen and see the word that make my heart climb into my throat every time bos where are you you were scheduled for i scramble upstairs so fast i knocked over the table and chair and took some picture frame off the wall of the stair but i get to work and think it s fine it okay i just cant be late for 0 day easy enough day later it s an unbelievably slow day so we all order sushi and i drew the short straw to pick it up take me minute to get there pick up the food and start heading back so i m at a stop light about minute from my job when i see a car blast through the light and tbone a truck causing a huge accident and blocking my path back to my job i feel my heart sink and my ear ring the closest way back is an extra 0 minute at least this asshole running a red light may cost me my job i m not proud of it but i sped the entire way there to get back to the hospital i sprint out of my car leaving the food i get inside and dive to the time clock and swipe my card time punched 0 late at this point i just stand there for a second unsure of what to do do i tell my bos do i try to fix it do i lie i finally decide to text my bos and explain the whole scenario in detail expecting to get back a next step a scolding reassurance or anything instead i get back one word ok ok what doe that even mean i want to press it further but i m so scared of fucking up even more i ve taken on extra responsibility this week and picked up hour of overtime over the next week a a subtle way of saying please dear god dont put me on a level i need this promotion this all happened day ago and i m living in panic every one of these day since that i m going to get the hey can you meet me in my office now call thatll signal the end of my dream to progress i m not sure what to do at this point but i just had to get this out tl dr asshole running a stop sign and causing an accident could cost me my dream job,Depression +26296,"Is it really worth all the trouble? My biggest concern is that I put all this time and effort in, just to hate it and realize it will not really help me get a job after I am out. I am 26, I have worked about 8 different jobs in the last 5 years, and I have about 40 college credits, I am also depressed and suicidal. Main reason I signed those papers was because I thought it would help me catch up to my peers and have a normal life for once. Almost every time I am depressed it is because I feel like I did not do anything in life. Sure I am married but that is it, I do not have kids, do not have a career, do not have friends or a social life. I pretty much just stay home, clean the house, and watch TV or play video games. I am starting to think that the military will not help me get that ""normal life"" I want so badly, in fact I was denied a job because of being on standby for the military. I do not know if it is better that I just catch up on my own, instead of joining the military. Advice please? Should I join the military to help me ""catch up"" in life? Or should I go another route?",Depression +40906,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +39808,i have had suicidal thought since high school i am also trans and have always known it since i wa young i never felt it wa something i wa allowed to do i started transitioning a few month ago now at the age of i ve attempted suicide time in my life and i did the least almost hoping i would live or die 0 0 i ve always threatened my family that i would kill myself some of that wa a cry for help some of that is true i have planned to live perhaps extra year to see if truly a everyone tell me it s worth living just wait i believe in my heart i can be great for myself and love myself and yet i am plagued by this obtuse feeling of letting go for good almost every day i have had many therapist i have one currently i have tried med and i truly don t want them in my life i can t even complain i speak language fluently i ve experienced a lot of life and always felt like an old soul although i am disappointed with this world i am disappointed with all the hate that exists i m disappointed with myself and others consistently most day i wake up grateful and most day i go to sleep angry sad lonely and hopeless no matter how much i try to be a force of love and light in this world in the morning i end up depleted and sucked into the darkness each night i have stayed for my family and friend who would suffer if i left i have never once stayed for myself i wish i found a reason to live for myself and not for others i m planning on taking shooting lesson in this year so i may get a gun license hopefully so that i may register a firearm in year and kill myself i m not sure what i m looking for saying this on here just needed a place to say it i hope you re all well and stay strong,Depression +25749,"I picked up my pen and finally forced myself to do it. It feels so damn good seeing it stitched together, and fall in the right places. After being depressed this school year, and finally graduating highschool, I felt guilty that I might be wasting my summertime by lodging and mopping all day but I did it lads!&#x200B;I am literally in tears, I do not have anyone to share this accomplishment so I am sorry if you had to see this but its like eureka that even a person like me can actually do things like this. Finishing a small project I abandoned.",Depression +23488,Life is pain and I just want to disappear forever. Like nobody would notice anyway. The only person who cared now hates me and I do not even know why. So what is the point. I have got nothing left to live for Y'know it was okay for a while but its back again,Depression +39019,i m terrified i ve given it to her and i m also terrified about being stuck in isolation in my room my anxiety is through the roof i stupidly started reading about all the horrible symptom of covid and it s making me feel so freaked out i really don t know what to do i feel like my anxiety is going to get so much worse being stuck in my room,Depression +9824,I do not even feel real i do not want help i want out i cba anymore. My feelings contradict each other I am a nihilist and I believe nothing matters yet I am also an antinatalist and i have anxiety? Makes no sense i do not make sense i do not fit in anywhere if I am not dead i just want to be alone forever yet humans need social interaction or they will be miserable i hate this. I have no personality no social skills my friends want to hang out with me but i just ignore them I am so shit i hate being alive its pointless and embarrassing someone just put me down already idek what i am,Depression +39951,why am i still alive i havent done anything with my life other than eat and leech of my parent and im already why am i still here,Depression +39564,i just fucking hate myself the thing is that i just recently got to the point where everytime i look into the mirror i just like get so anxious so fast like idk anymore all these negative feeling flood me when i see myself i just wish i wa better at everything and i look fucking disgusting and i know everyone around me is just thinking that i cant even eat and sit or sleep somewhere without fearing people judge me also im afraid of getting fat cause it would ruin my image even further the voice in my head want me to stop eating i just cant anymore i wan na km,Depression +40782,i wish it wa just depression,Depression +38855,i used to have worse anxiety but it s been better since i started on adhd medication but every time i now have even small amount of anxiety that don t even amount to an anxiety or panic attack the next day i get really really bad fatigue like i get out of breath from walking across the room and my leg ache despite doing nothing i know tiredness after anxiety is normal but i m getting this after even small amount of anxiety when i didn t have this before even after a day long anxiety attack is this normal or should i book a gp appointment because i end up having to take day off school because of it btw i no longer have anxiety it really is just specific situation such a an anxiety attack about my phobia or even a phone call with a doctor appointment,Depression +17541,"I told my mom about my ear problem. I have this problem where I would listen to songs in the highest volume, I broke plenty of earphones. I just will not stop. It came to the point that my hearing is slowly decreasing and I would get really really dizzy sometimes but this time my speaker broke so I went back to putting my phone really near my ear and would walk in circles to listen to music and ofcourse it damages it but it is really hard to stop.My life is shit and just a mess. I live in my imaginations and I could only fully feel it when there is music playing. Low volume will not cut it.I am just so sad, everybody in the shows I watch are just going through this exciting adventures and I cannot do anything because of quarantine and because of the limits my family has built around me.I want to stop but I am scared because I know I will not be happy and I will be alone. it will trigger my depression and I will panic and cry. I am starting to slowly change my ways but I guess I just also feel disappointed in myself because I talked about no more regrets and getting myself back together and yet here I am. Ruining my ears for a fantasy. All this weight that my parents keeps throwing at me and this regrets of the past and all those mistakes that matter and do not matter. they are all just killing me. Music is my escape, it takes me to many amazing worlds and I am much more braver and cooler there.I just want to be free and happy. My self damage",Depression +47473,"I have gained 40 lbs (20% bw) in the last year since I find my pleasure in food. It’s pizza, ice-cream almost everyday at this point. I used to be a fitness freak and now hate the gym. All I do is order food and scroll through my phone on my bed with no motivation to get up. Any advice would be appreciated or if someone can relate and share their experience.",Depression +10712,I have taken the time to talk to a center for mental health to seek help after a series of events in my life caused me to realize that I really need help. I am proud of myself. The first step was hard to do but it is a good feeling once it is been planted. I hope all for you that are struggling can take that step. I made the first step tonight.,Depression +9280,Does anyone know of any supplements that have helped them w their mental health? I know many of us have ~sexual troubles~ on antidepressants taking high dose ashwagandha for a week completely changed that for me. (I am a woman idk if that changes anything). if anyone has any supplements that also work for them for anything depression/anxiety related I would love to know! Supplements??,Depression +13368,"I just want to watch kids tv shows today, cuddle with warm blankets, and suck my thumb. I am already doing that, actually. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel really shameful, lost, and alone right now about how I am dealing with this. Reverting to childlike coping mechanisms when sad and anxious",Depression +20900,"I legit just have been so depressed. I try not to bottle up my feelings and such, but I just do not feel better, just sad all the time. I do have happy moments ofc, but just having this overarching feeling of sadness. I am just hella depressed",Depression +13883,"Seriously. I just do not belong here. I am a 24 year old man who has been diagnosed with severe anxiety, OCD and depression, and have struggled with them my entire life. I am still a kissless virgin due to being extremely introverted and awkward, as well as having very few friends. I am a college dropout with no talents whatsoever. The few hobbies I tried getting into (writing and art) I made no progress with because I suck at them. On top of all of that I am currently jobless and stuck living with my parents. I got hooked on amphetamines (Adderall/Vyvanse) and abused them severely, further F'ing up my brain and causing me to basically go crazy. On top of that I was mixing it with a bunch of other drugs that ended f'ing me up even more and right now I am currently withdrawing off of Klonopin and amphetamines at the same damn time, as well as a bunch of other drugs I was on. I feel like I am literally going insane. Ever since the bad drug incident I am just trapped inside a horrendous delirium now. I literally cannot do anything but vegetate since my focus is so fucked from the speed and the benzo withdrawals. I am also on Prozac too throughout all of this so I know my brain is permanently damaged.The point is though I was never meant for this world. Despite growing up well I still fucked my severely in life and ended up here. I have nothing, just an empty slate. Even the art and desires I have in life will forever remain that, desires. I have never been able to achieve anything. Before the drugs I was constantly still just in my head thinking of all the things I would like to do. Now, with this situation I am in, I feel like I am officially fucked. It is okay though because it was going to happen anyway. I never had what it takes.I literally just feel like some people do not have what it takes to survive in this world and I am one of them. Survival of the fittest and all that. I was never meant to be here and I never should have been here. I never should have existed.",Depression +25065,"There is not anything interesting about it, it is so boring and meaningless, most humans suck. Life is not worth living",Depression +25293,"I dunno where to start..I am a 16 yo boy, thankfully I still 've got a life to live but it feels meaningless... As a kid I did not grow up loving my parents or feeling something liie a connection between me and them.Sure I love them I guess but it feels empty. I just do not feel or experience those emotions that people talk about...I did not use to talk to them or even hang out with them because they did not tell me how to... Whenever I try to start a convo with them they do not pay attention and sometimes they do not listen at all... They just see me as a kid that does not understand shit and I have to listen to everything they say without them listening to me. I remember getting back everyday from school and they do not even care... All they say is go study and stop playing. Imagin that happening to you every single day till you are 16... It just hurts. I really really want to feel like a part of the family, I want to feel that love between each one of my family. Having no friends takes it to another level as you do not have nobody to talk or spend time with... I got to the point that i dunno how to talk... I just stutter and feel nervous all the time even if it is normal talk. I would say I have got depressed. I had social anxiety, anthropophobia which is the fear of people and pseudobulbar effect wich is being unable to control your emotions. I have got the point that I cry every single day on my pillow cuz no one knows how I feel inside of me. I see no people and always stuck at home 24/7 Cuz my parents refuse to let me go even for a walk. I remember mom calling dad cuz I was in my room for 14 days straight talking to nobody. I remember every single word my father told me and it went like: get out of your room and stop being dramatic, and also stop acting like little sad kids. These words... It just kills. I have never been able to talk or explain my feelings or my thoughts, I have never felt loved. Every single day I just tell myself that I would be better off dead. Cuz there is no point for me to live. I do not feel like I belong to anyone or anyone even cares about me. I hug my pillow when I sleep as if it was someone. I open my wardrobe and hug my clothes as if it was a person. I always think about suicide. I got to the point that I feel nothing... Nothing at all... It just feels empty... Dull.Plz if you r a parent and you are reading this... Love your children. Give them some love and care. They do not deserve having mental issues and suicidal thoughts. They should not open their wardrobe and hug their clothes as long as you exist. Just listen to them. I know it looks simple and will not do much but it does more than you think. Please.Thanks for reading all this. I feel nothing like if it is black and white...",Depression +47727,"I'm just tired I don't know why I'm even sad, but I have been like this for so long, that now it doesn't matter. + +I'm just tired",Depression +11232,"Hi I am 24 years old and i feel very empty since 1 year. It seems i cannot get joy out of anything i used to kind of feeling robotic. I cannot seem to laugh and things, my humour faded away and do not feel like hang out and talking to my friends i used. does anybody know what this is I am really trying get out of it but its really hard What is this?",Depression +16388,"Hi everyone, as many of you in this sub, I currently am in a dark place and wondering if I can ever make it.. I used to be so witty, knew how to talk to people, dress well... Now I have let go of myself, do not socialize anymore, and just cry all day.Those of you who managed to soldier on and get youraf back up, please share your stories to spread some positive and hope for me :)Thank you. Success stories please...",Depression +11836,Literally have a birth defect that makes me incapable of making friends. I do have a girlfriend who is mentally unhinged that makes my life a living hell but I have zero other options so I stay with her. I just feel alone and that without true friendships and a healthy relationship it is all pointless. How do you continue when everything in your life points to ending it?,Depression +12600,"sitting here listening to music, which quite literally is the only thing left that makes me feel good, and although it brings me a little joy it is not like it used to. i guess i just have to accept that soon enough I will have nothing left to live for worst feeling ever is realizing that the only thing that used to bring you joy is starting to stop",Depression +26985,"Long story short, I have just stopped taking a pretty strong narcotic that I have taken almost daily for about a year. The withdrawal is very similar to opiate withdrawal, and because of it (I think) my depression has come roaring back very intensely. I am experiencing pretty extreme waves of almost frantic sadness and panic. I am not quite sure what to do. I have a job/house/relationship that are very important to me. And without going into details, those things very well may all be gone at some point in the future, and I feel like I have been living on borrowed time for the last number of years. Now that everything is flooding back into my head, I am not sure Ill come out okay at the end of it. Has anybody been in this position? Do I just ride it out and hope for the best? Do I need more medication than I already take? Think I might need some help, but do not know if this is the right place",Depression +15650,"The key to pain. I want to say sorry to myself today. I do not want my tears to turn to pouring rain. I want to say sorry to myself today. How many times have I tried to let go of pain?it is been too many times.I have felt sad inside. My heart on my sleeve. I want to run and hide. Anxiety, will not you leave?Then, I found youI felt something new, warm, and safe. The strength from your heart left me awake. I am ready to forgive myself today. I feel joy more than pain.I want to forgive myself today. But why cannot I?I wanted to die. My thoughts race away. I want to be free. I want to feel peace. I will be stronger now. I want to be at ease.I did not do anything wrong. I do not need to say sorry. I do not need this shame. I am not to blame. I forgave myself today. I am singing in the rain. I let go of suffering. I forgave myself today, and let me be me. Need to feel understood and for a little inspiration? here is a song my friend wrote who I met in the mental hospital",Depression +7570,"I have just last week started a new job, after being signed off sick for 2 years. Its been really hard so far, i had a panic attack on the drive in last week, and this week i just feel unwell mentally a lot of the time.I really do not want to quit, because i feel if i do, that is it for me, I have tried and failed too many times.But i keep feeling like i want to hurt myself so i do not have to go in, not like to kill myself. But stuff like crashing my car, punching a wall and breaking a bone, or just something so i have an excuse. I have avoided it so far, but there is just such a loud voice in my head telling me i should and that i should just give up on a job, or anything in life. I have spoke to my doctor and therapist and its not been that helpful. I just do not know what to do really. Wanting to hurt myself to avoid work",Depression +15652,Post and tell me if this are not accurate AF? Joyner Lucas I am Sorry Song,Depression +22656,"it is one of those nights.i lack the vocabulary, hell, perhaps there are not enough words in the english language or any language to convey the hole that loneliness burns through one's chest cavity. it is acidic, it feels as if loneliness is gnawing through my ribcage and attacking the chambers of my heart piece by piece,. it is methodical, it is diabolical, it feels like the epitome of self-destruction.it is embarrassing, it is devastating, it feels like i am living someone else's life that was not meant to be my own. i thought that by this time in my life (24f), i would have a group of friends, a significant other, things to look forward to and a stable career with opportunities for growth. i do not know where i went wrong. i do not know what happened or how i got here, friendless and loveless at an age where i should have my life together by now, where i should at least have some semblance of an idea of where i am heading.the feeling of disappointment is unbearable. i feel like i let my parents down, i feel like i let myself down, i feel like i do not deserve anything. most days i feel as if it would be better if i just faded away in my sleep, then no one would have to worry about me and what will become of me. the only reason i am still here is because i do not wish to put my parents through the pain of taking away the only life they created, to throw away all their dreams and ambitions. the problem is i cannot live up to any of them. i cannot live up to the expectations, i cannot live with the thought of not making them proud, i cannot live with myself. it is agony, this loneliness. it is agony to watch others living their best lives, sharing cute/intimate moments with their partners, living life as it is meant to be lived. i feel absolutely disgusting for feeling this touch-starved, for feeling this devoid of affection, of romance, of physical touch. i would give my last breath to just be held and assured that everything will be okay, that i am not a disgusting worthless waste of space, that i am desired and wanted. that there is a point to all of this. it hurts. it hurts to breathe, it hurts to live. i wish i could give my life to someone who has something to live for, who has the courage and motivation and willpower to make something of themselves. i feel my heart physically disintegrating in my chest.",Depression +39393,advice for adult separation anxiety i m have been with my girlfriend f for over year our whole relationship we have lived apart at our parent house and still do with no issue we see each multiple time a week do fun romantic thing almost never fight she is the love of my life and i seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with her week ago i got covid and i isolated in my room for 0 day only the third time in our relationship we ve been apart for this long after the isolation i came out with a new found love for my girlfriend i realized that i truly want her in my life and i want to be with her forever i knew this before but it wa like a huge reminder since my isolation ha ended though and i saw her again anytime i m away from her i have crazy anxiety like almost can t function don t eat etc nothing ha changed expect for the better imo i now realize she s the one and she feel the same way but for some reason after year of no issue mentally or in our relationship i have developed what i believe after doing some research to be adult separation anxiety definitely anxiety i ve told my girlfriend all this and had a big cry with her and she ha been nothing but supportive and loving i know she s with me for the long haul and i m not worried about that when i m thinking straight but when i m not with her i go crazy i ve reached out to an online therapy company to have a virtual session a i need help and i don t know what to do my girlfriend is super supportive but this can t be healthy for a relationship that my biggest fear is losing just looking for some advice maybe some similar experience and how you went about it anything help,Depression +22322,"Hello everyone, I met this girl online and I do not want her to do anything bad. Pls tell me how can I help her. she is uninterested in life. I have got an online friend whose depressed and I want her to live, how do i help her.",Depression +23226,"I had a major breakdown tonight and was scared of being alone. I knew I would not do anything drastic, but it did not matter. I have been getting closer with this friend of mine who I really care about and respect, and he was the only one awake at the time. I kept going back and forth on it but eventually I ended up asking him to check up on me tomorrow. What I really needed was someone to call me or be with me, but I was worried about pushing that boundary with this friend now and so suddenly since he does not know much about my mental illnesses. So right now I feel like I should not have asked. I do not want to respond to him tomorrow because no matter what I say I would rather I just not say it at all. I feel like I should have just let myself be alone in that moment, tomorrow I feel like I will have moved on. I also do not want to jeopardize this friendship, he is one of the coolest people I know so I never wanted to come off as a burden or too much to work with. Idk. I am worried I made a mistake. Idk what I should have done or should do next. Ever since March my depression's been getting worse again. But I do not want my friend to have to worry about it too. Just sucks. Told a friend to check up on me and idk if it was the right call",Depression +38996,hi all me again i ve f experienced a barrage of unfavorable stressful event since the beginning of 0 this ha created a constant baseline of lingering anxiety it s not subtle i am no longer able to function normally due to the chronic flight or fight response physical symptom include sweating tight chest and a pumping stomach adrenaline overload i can t perform simple task without losing my breath sleep is important to me yet i have an overhanging feeling of dread when going to bed sometimes i can sleep smoothly other time it s a war my main form of peace and solace ha become my enemy my doctor recommended i start on lexapro again – something that i had taken during my college day to cope with severe test anxiety by day it created a serotonin fueled brain overload my symptom intensified by a magnitude of 00 i wa unable to sleep for hour it caused me to pas out at work and chat with onsite medic my psychiatrist told me to stop the lexapro i wa instead given 0 mg propranolol taken twice daily and 0 mg hydroxyzine to help me fall asleep i wa also given 0 mg trazodone to knock myself out if needed but i only felt that i had to take this the first night to force reboot my body wa terrified of going into psychosis if i went another night with zero sleep i m at a loss everything is hard i m seeing a therapist to cope i m scared of losing my job it s physically and intellectually demanding but brain machine broke and i m unable to properly focus i m scared of having to move all the way back home because of my instability i often find myself wondering if this is a life worth living it doesn t help that i live alone in the middle of nowhere i ll use this thread to update my progress i know lot of folk are going through this keeping people informed of treatment and whatnot that may help them in turn is one of the small piece of hope that i m holding onto during these uncertain time much love thetipsyalchemist,Depression +26635,"Been going through a break up, I cannot stand her treating me as if i was nothing so I keep questioning her decision so that she would hates me and blocked my number. She offered me to breaking up and refused to block my phone number but I declined, enabling myself to chat her will just makes everything worst so I make the dumbest and hardest decisions I have ever made. Now I am lonely with the thought that everything probably would have been better if i was not such a fool, i had my families and friends but really i still feels so lonely rn. I feel rejected after her last message to me ""I just do not want you anymore"" Even tho I was the one who caused all of this Just me and my thought",Depression +25719,"Those nights I spent at my Nanas falling asleep to music were some of the best memories I can recall. Its random but whenever I think back all I can think about is how peaceful it wasnot a care in the worldnow I am all fucked up, I want to go backIts funny I think it hurts but I cannot feel anythingIm such a pos all I want to do is dieconstantly reminiscing on the past to feel good only to fail and realize things will never be the same. Its pathetic I do not even want to be happy I just wish.its so funny how pointless everything became. It took it all for granted Thinking about the past",Depression +15937,"Just when I start to earn money from my room doing what I like (playing video games), my family starts to complain, they think that a job involves going out, they always wanted me to get a job, and now that I have it, they complain and complain, I hope I can have the quick money to go live alone. My family starts to complain.",Depression +37766,i have an awful living situation thanks to college where i live in one half of the country for part of the year and then i move back across the whole fucking country for the next fucking awful i don t have any friend i don t have any passion everything i do is well i can t do this now because i ll be cutting it short by leaving in the summer and i m running out of time to do anything meet people get a job get a fucking treatment i tried doing therapy and i scheduled one week late because there s no fucking spot available and that s one le therapy thing i can go to because i only have two or three month left before i have to drop everything and leave again i don t know why i did this i wish i wasn t here life s just a dead fucking end and i m going to be doing this forever i ve missed out on so much and it just never get better i thought thing would get better by doing this but i wa fucking stupid a hell i m going to be permanently stuck like this because i haven t done shit with my life so far and i m never going to recover from year of just nothing nothing nothing no milestone no friendship i barely know how to function i barely know how to talk to people i can t even hide behind covid a an excuse because this is just what i ve been doing my whole life it s a waste of fucking time nothing,Depression +25066,"I just feel so unwell, I feel like I am part time functioning ok but then I am a mess. I feel so broken and like I am a disgusting awful just bad person or thing with no value. Nothing helps, it just seems like I need more of something or the happiness wears off, why are simple things so hard to do? Things feel like a nightmare, I am looking and thinking about how I ruined myself and things for me, Idk th things just suck, I just feel like I am losing my mind or something Just needed to get some feelings out",Depression +7232,"So as title states. I had ran out of medication. I tried to get it refilled , made a few calls to my psychiatrist office left a couple messages. Even spoke to someone days before it supply ran out. But in the end it was not refilled. Mind you I had not had an appointment since maybe January as I missed my last telephone appointment sometime in spring I believe. I was on the max dose of the prescription , I had been on this since the end of 2017 although my dose was not maxed out till around the start of 2019 if I recall correctly. I had been skipping doses here and there but never more than 2 days at a time sometimes I would forget if I had taken my dose for the day and most times I elected not to take said possible missed dose for that day in the event that I did take it. So I am wondering what to expect in the coming weeks or months. Mind you I have a lot of other mental impairments aside from severe depression and bipolar. Some I do not even know anything about. I am currently not sleeping too much , it is a lot more difficult to fall asleep now. I am having brain shocks and what not often. I feel like I used to prior to taking this medication. Extreme tiredness , slurring my words often , not feeling alive at all. (Even on the medication I felt tired and weak but it was not as bad as it is while off it)I wake up early now and after being up maybe .. 5 hours I start to feel so tired and have 0 energy but cannot nap/sleep While off the medication , if I go for a walk or exercise I get this high and feel like I can do anything (lol) while on medication I did not really get that even after doing those activities. This is a lot to read and I am sure I confused anyone who has made it this far. But I am hopeful to get some kind of response. (I have an appointment with a new mental health professional in 2 weeks) if that matters I ran out of Citalopram about 8 or so days ago. what is going to happen?",Depression +14649,"I never wanted to stand out, to be the center of attention, to be the leader, but I am always the least interesting person. I always struggle to know if I am a bad person and just do not see it, so I am somewhat annoying, always asking and making sure I am not bothering, or if I did anything wrong. I do not think I am a bad person, but I have nothing to be proud of. My entire life I have seen people be good at this or that, artistic skills, social skills, intelect, etc. I do not want to say it out loud, I think many know what someone want to do when they feel useless and unimportant for their entire life. I am making 23 years on october, and I have felt this way since I was 14, diagnosed with depression at 16. I have come to terms with many pains along these years, I do not see the point on self-harm anymore, I also do not want to have come to this earth just to be a reason of suffering to my parents, my father already told me he would be sad, but he would move on, so not a big encouragement... but I know my mother and 11yo sister (whom I do not live with anymore) would suffer, especially my sister, I think she would be traumatized, so... it is a big anchor to me. But I still cannot stop suffering for not being good enough to be interesting, to be liked, to be admired even, I do not want to be special, just... anything. I usually spend my free time only playing games with a story, watching series and anything media related, listening to music, I feel like my life is some kind of ""hub"" where I can only choose what game/movie/series to experience next. Also, I have read the rules, but I do not know if saying some things may be triggering to others reading, so if I wrote anything wrong, please let me know!&#x200B;TL;DR: I have come to terms with many struggles that comes with depression along 9 years, but what can I do to just ignore this feeling of wanting to be dear, liked and even admired? How can I cope with the fact that I am just another random person?",Depression +40274,sorry for any typo im typing on my small phone my mental health ha been doing a downwards spiral into hell i am seriously considering suicide plea someone talk to me,Depression +13157,looking for 90+ rated players for our pro clubs team. message iix robz xii on xbox. FIFA recruitment,Depression +15250,"I never have posted in this type of forum or any forum really, but I am desperate to speak. just as the title says, my life is meaningless. i am 22 years old and never finished high school, do not have a job, do not have any friends, and my family has given up on me. i do the same thing every single day. i sit on my bed, i play a video game for a few hours, i eat, i sleep, and the cycle repeats. i have absolutely no motivation. sometimes i do not even shower for weeks on end, the thing that makes me shower is when my mother asks me when the last time i did and i get embarrassed so i do it. if i did not have her to do that, it is safe to say I would go longer without doing so. I am an introvert by nature so i do not need much social interaction anyways, but i still get lonely all the time. all i really need is to talk to someone for a two minutes and my social bar is maxed for the next several months. but i still get super lonely and wish i had someone to talk to everyday, to go out and have fun every once in a while. it is hard to explain how i am like that, how i do not need much social interaction but i still crave it. it is my own fault i do not have any friends. i had quite a few when i was in high school but i somehow just stopped talking to them and now i do not know any of them. same with the online friends i had, just a slow disconnect because of me. i do not know why i do this. i do not know how i made my life so meaningless and worthless. it happened so damn fast, it seems like i woke up one day with no friends and no motivation and nothing to keep me going. it is all gone and i cannot get it back. i have borderline personality disorder and that was what gave me some hope when i was 18, like, okay now i know what i have and i can rectify this and make things better. but clearly that is not how it went and I sincerely do not think anything will change. I have heard the same old things growing up. ""You have to change it yourself"" ""go to therapy"" ""force yourself"" ""fake it til you make it"" I have fucking heard it all and I have fucking tried it and nothing works. I am STUCK. I AM STUCK AND I cannot DO A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT. i just want to start over. my life is meaningless.",Depression +41238,mizzzidc mizzzidc you need help depression is setting in pls seek for a professional care,Depression +15782,"I often feel the overwhelming urge to cry, but I just cannot anymore. it is killing me. I do not know what to do. I feel so incredibly sad, but there is just no relieve anymore.Why cannot I cry? I cannot cry anymore",Depression +19511,"I am 20, depressed since about 8th grade, and everyone and their mom is saying it will get better; However, I have been patiently waiting for things to improve in my brain (I literally have no excuse to be depressed, I have the worlds easiest life), yet every morning I am screaming because I actually woke up. I have given up on asking for advice on how people live their lives because everyone says the same fucking thing every time you just have to get out of bedyou just have to find a hobbytalk to someone Like do people actually have high hopes for life or is everyone just lying to each other to make them feel better? I have tired to end my life twice and had serious intentions about 7 other times within the last year, and I have gotten to the point where I hate living but I do not want to die because of my family. I feel emotionless every single day like I am just running on autopilot. I just do not see what everyone else see I guess?I will say tho, I am new to Reddit and it was nice to see I am not the only one that hates every aspect of living where do people find this aspiration for life",Depression +40114,i seen it all out here i ve dealt with the younger generation which i don t mind for some of them are very respectful but then again some just turn it around and just want to be with an older woman for sex where are the compassionate people anymore in this life i m screaming out for someone to listen a i would listen to you i don t want to die but i m so tired of this life,Depression +18914,"This is related to depression because I was diagnosed with MDD 5 years ago. Cold turkey-ed 4 years ago. Since Jan 2020, depression has worsened. Covid might have worsened it this year. My parents are narcissists. My teachers were narcissists. I have been excluded by my classmates, no matter where I go. No physical abuse but faced emotional abuse from almost everyone I know. I am now 25 years old. I do not have friends. I do not have any company. My coworkers are just coworkers. Not much contact after work time. Its just me alone in my room. I hate facing my parents. Even if I speak calmly, act kind towards them, I despise them. I am not so sure on whether I hate myself. But I hate being this weak person without any manliness. I just want to get out of this hell hole country, and live in someplace that provides basic mental health care. Everyday of my life is just torture. I am trying my best to keep it together, but I do not think I can do this for so long. I am not self harming myself because of that tiny bit of hope. So guys, tell me a way to earn some coin. Get a job from some other country and migrate. And yeh, I am the main character of this world, this world is about me and me only so screw anyone who says ""ThIs WoRlD iS nOt AbOuT yOu, EvErYoNe Is UnIqUe AnD hAs LoAdS oF pRoBlEmS!!"". What would you do if you were born in a country without mental health care and annual income of $12000 per year with a degree?",Depression +20706,"I have been depressed since I was fifteen and am in my late twenties now. it is hard to shower and take care of myself no matter what. I am on meds, I have done therapy, TMS, and have not gotten any relief from the constant exhaustion and fatigue. Can anyone recommend any medicine, diets, therapy, or exercise that has helped them? it is hard not to feel hopeless. Low motivation and energy for years, suggestions appreciated",Depression +25489,"they drag me along everywhere just so i can sit and watch them talk to each other, and every once in awhile will ask me the most basic questions ever like so how you feeling? so what do you think?, god people make me feel so unimportant, i hate my life and myself how did people get to the point of treating me like this? i thought i made it clear to people in my family that its HARD for me to bring myself into conversations but i guess people can never understand how hard it is. maybe they would understand more if they knew how much depression affects you and everything you do, because that is why its gotten worse for me but no one seems to take that possibility into consideration ever. and they leave me out while i hate my life wishing it could be easy for me too. and i can tell they do not want to invite me but do anyway to seem nice or something. though they act two faced and extra nice to me in public like I am a token depressed person or something. just because its hard for me and i cannot interact and i close myself off from everyone when they are talking in a group, and i do that because i cannot keep up with what they are talking about and have no knowledge about anything because I have isolated myself because of my depression for SO LONG that i cannot socialize nor look people in the eyes nor function anymore. anyway people in my family should know i have a hard time with talking and functioning now because i even cry in public but they probably call it me being attention seeking and twist it but oh well! everyone in my life just feels two faced towards me with fake niceness but will just talk down on me when they thing I am not hearing instead of addressing how i feel with ME. just tired of people having problems with people but never addressing anything everything in my life is a illusion. my family treats me like a liability and like i cannot understand anything",Depression +8645,"It feels like everything is just a blur now. it is there and then it is gone like it is nothing. It feels never-ending and way too short at the same time. I have not felt like this until the last 2 years. I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember, but it is never been this bad. It really sucks cus I feel like I cannot truly appreciate the time I have with others. I have been suffering for a long time. I have honestly given up at this point, and the only reason I still try to push myself and progress is for other people. I know I need to love myself and treat myself better, I am trying, really. I have been trying, but I have never tried so hard in my life. it is so hard. I only ever talk to 4 people, which I do not have a problem with at all, but despite having these people in my life, I feel so alone in this world. Not the sense of loneliness in my room late at night, or loneliness from lack of love or affection, but just this lonely feeling. I feel so much pain and yet I feel nothing at the same time. I do not know what to do, and I do not know why I am posting this really. I have been trying to keep it to myself. When it gets bad I hold the gun in my hand, look at it, and just think. I do not know exactly what I am thinking in those moments, there is so much running through my head. I wonder, if there was no one on this earth I loved or cared for, would I be able to do it? There are so many beautiful things in life but this dark cloud takes over and distorts my vision, almost literally. It feels like it controls all of my body. I am not sure how to explain it. I do not know anymore",Depression +10479,"I am 27m I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. My childhood was non existent, middle school and high school I was a loner, the only reason people invited me into their groups was because they knew my twin but they would not talk to me. One girl that I somewhat talked to, we had an inside joke that I did not have friends I had acquaintances because no one was really my friend. It was a joke at first but eventually it became real. College I dropped out of during my second year after failing so many classes I just decided school was not for me. But after dropping out I got a part time job and after a couple years I saved up some money and decided to quit I do not know why I just could not take it there anymore. I then moved back with my parents when Covid started but my depression got worse. I was lonely with no friends or anyone to talk to and I ended up texting my ex that I broke up with (to me she is the one that got away) at first it went great we were laughing and talking catching up but after awhile I think she just got more annoyed with me and I honestly never knew what I did wrong and she would never tell me which was never my intention. But I know it was stupid of me to text her, I just wanted to talk to her, catch up or something. I have never had a friend or really talked to anyone. Mostly since my social skills are terrible and people get bored of me quick. I tried to hide my loneliness by keeping myself busy with personal projects like keyboard building, reading and also decided to go back to school and learn programming because it looked interesting even though I have no knowledge about it. But honestly no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy I just end up feeling so down. I cannot even get out of bed sometimes. I just do not know what to do anymore. I feel like I am the problem, everyone says I am just being lazy that I just do not want to do anything and I am a bum. Are they right? Am I the problem or am I just depressed?",Depression +41458,i ended my depression when i stopped procrastinating free ebook unlock your power via r freeebooks http t co v wwlg p,Depression +40452,i m so sick of being in a state of breakdown and every hotline i call treat me like dogshit hang up on me like nobody fucking care and i can t take rejection after rejection after fucking rejection when nobody s ever accepted me for who i am or loved me even once all i ever do is fuck up and nobody forgives even my tiny mistake they all fucking hate me and i m sick of everyone being disgusting or selfish little slimebags get a fucking life and fuck off and quit making mine worse just because you aren t shit i can t take it i really can t take it i mean really i wa beaten nearly to death and i get hotline idiot telling me to be quiet and quit cursing like fuck you fuck you to the bastard death you useless asshole doe anyone have a shred of empathy i don t give a fuck i just wish someone gave a shit,Depression +21934,"My whole life I feel like I have been going through the struggle. My dad is an abusive and toxic parent that put me through so much as a kid into early adulthood. I worshipped him until I was 20 and a light bulb went off in my head and I realized all the bullshit he put me through. I have separated from that relationship but still feel the effects of it. I have been heavily depressed the last few years. My mom died 2 years ago and I worked a low paying depressing job for a long time. This year I really wanted to get out of the rut I was in, and I got a new better paying job, and am starting to make friends for the first time since freshman year of high school. For a moment there it seemed like things were finally starting to look up, but in a very short period of time work became a lot more tense, some drama has members of my family hating me (thankfully only the toxic members as the cool ones know what is up) but it is still really getting to me. I got a kitten to help with my mental health but it died after a few weeks. My roommate is moving out at the end of our lease despite originally agreeing to stay another year, and I am worried I cannot afford to live on my own yet. there is a girl I like but she does not like me. I am getting hit with insane medical bills. I know this sounds like typical stuff people have to deal with, but it is happening all at once and I cannot remember the last time I was happy for any significant amount of time. I feel so alone and lost, and I feel like I have just kept going through hell over and over again my entire life. Will it ever get better? Will I ever not be alone? Is happiness even possible? I do not know what to do",Depression +17863,"It does not feel good to spray out your ""sadness onto others and just expect them to retaliate with positive promises and time will heal. I am starting to feel like I have become a burden rather than anything to anyone and look at me now hoping someone will reach out to me when does it end It does not feel good",Depression +47527,"Ever felt like you don't want anything in life Everyday I repeat myself doing the same shit again n again. I don't know whats going on inside my brain, I can see its functioning like a system doing its thing but I clearly don't know what its doing and why im stuck inside it. Made me curious but I started thinking what if there is only one voice behind every person or any living thing on this planet, like there is one spirit just experiencing itself of its variant energies in its own creation of all forms of life on this planet and that we are all one but part of the play. how do I stop my consciousness its painful to be awake, in our sleep we don't know where we go, also forget we even have a body and that there is consciousness. literally what am I thinking about. anyway all this seems like a dream but the game is running slow, one day the battery will drain out and I will finally experience the real me (which i think is pure awareness/consciousness of infinite energy)",Depression +24331,I have a lot of built in emotions from my childhood up until a break up I just went through. I find myself with a mix of negative emotions and a lot of it is surfacing up to where I am projecting it onto others and sabotaging. I love the happy and positive me. I go to therapy but its not enough to help. How do I kill the ego? Can anyone give me tips on how to unbury my emotions or how to do shadow work?,Depression +38913,for past month i had this weird head rushing tension feeling when falling asleep even when i sit and i am bored i can feel it it s like my head would be scrambled between wall and my brain wa wired to something idk,Depression +26602,"I would rather work then be bored at someone is house doing nothing. The 4th of july was shit everything is shit I look at amazon store and its so small and boring how is it defeating malls and markets? What an underwhelming simulation where donald is president, corona exists, and i have to witness the collapse of economy and happiness I was brought in this world with no choice and forced to live by human nature and society If assisted suicide existed in this dystopian society economy and ignorant people will be disrupted. why should I keep fighting? I just want to work and maybe do some drugs and blow my brains out man. I mean i do appreciate what mental hospitals can do but how degrading, costly, and boring that would be as an adult. I feel like as an adult i have to make my life or take my lifeTheres no point to anything My Rant",Depression +21594,"I have no idea why. No meds, no therapy and no changes to the circumstances of my life. Nothing at all is different, except that I do not feel like complete shit. I do not feel happy, but I do not feel miserable either. I have not felt this way since early middle school. I am sure I will be back on my bullshit soon enough, but I am going to use this time to clean my house. I actually feel okay today",Depression +15383,"Hey all, this might be a weird post but I have been engaged since the lockdown in the US started and the lingering fear/uncertainty has me paralyzed. (I have been dating them since Halloween 2017 for reference.) I also have a history of past depressive episodes but its never led to self harm and I have gotten therapy in the past. I need to wedding plan and make sure its really what I want to do, but all I feel is sad, unstable and questioning everything. Like Ill start looking into venues or doing pre-planning stuff and I just cannot do it. I cannot contact any locations, even for questions or availability. I hate it and do not know how much of it is already from past issues or just from this past year making me feel like a she will of myself. I have told my fianc straight up I do not like who I am right now at the worst of it, but most days now I just feel nothing. Like I know I should be excited and happy but I do not and it terrifies me. Would appreciate any helpful advice from people who have been in the same boat, thanks. Depression ruining being engaged/relationship",Depression +22519,"I have worked so hard at my junior college to get into the college I want to go to. I took all of the requirements and I did not really look at what other colleges need. If I do not get in, I do not know what Ill do. I do not want to work a minimum wage job forever. I do not want to have done all of this work for nothing.Context: 22 y/o girl with diagnosed PTSD, depression, and anxiety No plan B",Depression +23667,"I do not know if this is because of depression, but I just cannot get myself to do things until the last minute because there seems to be a force in me, like a heavy rock or something weighing me down and making me freeze and preventing me from being productive. I still feel motivation but it is more hypothetical motivation than real motivation. it is not anxiety--i'ts some sort of procrastination but not even so because instead of doing other activities I will stare at the wall or stare at my project but not really do it. I struggle to meet deadlines even though I have time. I feel like I have no energy to get something done but at the last minute, a weird wave of energy can kick in as if I have no other option and sometimes it is fine, other times there are negative consequences. it is a weird sort of procrastination but it is that I literally cannot get myself to do anything I should be doing. I keep putting things off. it is starting to really mess up my life and I do not konw what to do about it, People tell me to jsut force myself to do what I need to do but I literally feel as if I cannot. This applies to almost every aspect of my life, and I do not understand why. Inability to get things down and meet deadlines",Depression +37913,i am so tired of living i don t think i ve been truly passionate about anything since i wa year old i am turning in a few month mentally i still feel like i am year old there are so many experience and opportunity that i have missed out on over the year and it s so difficult to imagine a future for myself after college because i don t have the energy or the motivation to do anything but the bare minimum for the longest time in high school i didn t have plan for college because i didn t see myself making it past i feel like i am presently existing past my life s expiration date i chose to pursue fine art in college because drawing is the one thing i am genuinely talented at and yet i dread every moment i have to sit down and draw this semester i shortened my course load to two online class and one in person class and i am still struggling to keep up it s incredibly difficult for me to focus on anything for more than minute before i feel exhausted i have been told that i am talented enough to sell print of my art yet i can barely make piece to add to my professional portfolio i m too afraid to let myself think about what i am even going to do once i graduate because i know this disorder ha completely destroyed any semblance of a work ethic that i may have once had i am slowly losing all my friend because i can t do anything fun anymore two of my closest friend who are also my roommate don t invite me to anything social anymore i am saddened by this but wonder if i even have the right to feel that way a i probably wouldn t go if i wa invited a i don t have the energy for anything anymore i shortened my course load to two online class and one in person class and i am still struggling to keep up every time i feel remotely okay it last for what feel like a second and then i m sinking down even deeper sometimes i wish i could lay down fall asleep and never wake up i don t even feel sad i just feel nothing at all,Depression +24210,"Just reread this post and it is a little over the place, but it is late and I want to go to sleep so I will just post it like this.Even as a little kid I did not have interests. My mom used to get me to try different hobbies but I did not like any of them. Maybe that was an early sign of what was to come.it is sad to see someone as young as me not doing anything other than going to school and to the gym. By the way, I have not seen any progress in my body for years now despite lifting often, I just cannot bring myself to eat 3000 calories a day because I do not have discipline. I have only gotten physically stronger, so I guess I am the skinny guy lifting comically high weight at the gym. And while I am lifting, I am thinking of how I do not enjoy doing it.I just do not feel joy from doing anything. I have not been happy since I was a child, and even then I had my dark times. it is a shame, my parents have spent a lot of time, effort and money on me. So far, I have managed to stay alive for them.let us talk about friends, shall we? I do not have many.I live in a small city of around 150000 people. It seems like everybody knows each other except for me. Every time I go out with the little friends I have (who are, I believe, catching on to the fact that I only like hanging out when there is alcohol involved) they greet so many people, and I am the dumbass that is just standing there being sad.I do want to get better, but I am in 4th year of secondary school (11th grade) and I think it may be too late to start building a personality. I am just a she will without interests or hobbies. I guess I can be kind of funny when I am drunk, so that is why my friends keep me around.I am the only virgin in my friend group, which can get horribly depressing sometimes. I play it as a byproduct of being gay in a small city, but it is really just because I have no social skills and I do not enjoy being alive. I have never had any hobbies or interests. I know no one outside of school. How do I build a personality?",Depression +29552,"That freaked me out. I was tired after probably from a sugar crash and I immediately assumed I was going through a calcium OD and was going to end up in a coma. Then I went home and opened a Snapchat and got deja vu (I thought I read that Snapchat before). I experience deja vu like that frequently, and googled it and it said I could have a brain condition or epilepsy... If I’m going to have to live like this forever sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up.",Stress +29164,"It was terrible. I got pregnant again, after he forcibly took my birth control away, my 2nd son was born in Chile, I didn't realize once I had my child in Chile I couldn't leave with my son without the father's permission. I think that was part of his plan. I lived 4 years of brutal hell. I finally made it back home, in 2006 when one of the police officers who were called after he beat me, luckily was married to a woman who worked at the American Embassy, and they got me home within 2 weeks, with both my son's.",Stress +28165,"I'm not mad, but it makes it very hard to compete as I'm quickly figuring out that my school was fairly easy and I did not try very hard. Which yes it is my fault, but I didn't think I was going to have to compete with the best of the best. Just know the course well. I have always been able to apply myself, endless amounts of will power with a drive to learn. So yeah I thought I could learn what I needed to know, but it's more than that, it's knowing EVERY little fucking thing about everything because that's how much everyone else knows.",Stress +49419,Stress buster calming flute....Himalyan Hike [https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/musictracks/himalayan-hike](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/musictracks/himalayan-hike),Stress +29740,But I could feel construction workers staring at me. I know I might be paranoid but I don’t want to take chances anymore I’m scared. I already paid for a year at the gym (about 6 months ago.) Do you think I should talk to someone about getting at least a partial refund for the 6 months? I don’t want to bring my situation up to them and have them say sorry but not our problem.,Stress +48652,"Stress about world war 3 i worry about if there comes a world war 3 with Russia and it gives me stress. +do you think that there comes a world war 3. +or peace soon?",Stress +48861,"new school schedule is making me have panic attacks I gotten my schedule for 12th grade and I nearly shat myself, i have two hours of daycare, meaning I'll be taking care of kids, then i have P.E, Government, English and then for the last two hours is work supervision, I literally had a panic attack and started breaking down because that's gonna be a crap ton of homework and stress. I don't know what to do,",Stress +48392,"Overwhelmed, tired, scared I’m typing this after realizing the amount of mistakes I made these past few weeks at work. It’s been so hard to focus and I’m finding that I can’t understand basic (so they seem) task requirements. +Desk job, working with numbers and reports, Maths have never been my forte, I’m surprised even to this very day how I’ve been hired and still work here after many years. I feel like I’m always behind everyone else and I can’t use logic when looking at numbers. +Well this time the mistake I made was because I/we haven’t checked some figures, I didn’t get help (my manager is on holidays, other members of the team are busy with their stuff), I didn’t connect the dots. +I just can’t do it anymore. I live under constant pressure due to work, so many sleepless nights, thoughts racing in my head, stupid scenarios I build, poor nutrition and so many times of crying uncontrollably. +I don’t want to blame external factors but there has been constant miscommunication which also led to where we’re at. +My therapist can only help so much, I always feel great after each session and it looks like have the right tools and mindset to get better, but inherently I’m always on the edge, stressed and scared of consequences. +I felt like venting and writing down my pain, typing this in tears, feeling so useless and stupid, but it felt good sharing this here.",Stress +28978,"I did a few EMDR sessions, had great success, but also don't want to go through that again as I became severely depressed in the days following sessions. Anyone else sharing this feeling?? Like maybe sometimes its better/easier to not go to therapy and revisit everything and try to get ahold of it yourself? I definitely do have a skill set learned from my time in therapy that I feel I can rely on right now, but if I get worse I am not sure if just that is enough...though hopeful I will not get worse. Would appreciate your feedback whether you also share these feelings, or if you think it is better to return to therapy.",Stress +28105,"Help me out here, fellow anxious, if we gather maybe we could create an elaborate plan to help me avoid this, idk I have phone phobia. These are really important conversations that I'll be calling to have and a lot depends on my explaining things and my demeanour and a lot of things could go so terribly wrong and I'm just so absolutely socially inept and phone calls are one of the worst ways for me to say words and make sense and - please help. 😔😔",Stress +29273,And I'll get an intense feeling of impending doom. It lasts for less than a minute and then I'll fall back asleep. It usually happens during naps. I thought it was a seizure when it first happened. Has this happened to anyone else?,Stress +48549,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49254,"Stress and dizziness Had anybody else experienced dizziness or being light-headed when you're stressed or anxious? + +Occasionally over the past few weeks I've experienced it, currently going through a house move and dealing with my new promotion as a manager at work so I do feel as though I've had prolonged stress at the moment. + +Thanks.",Stress +48436,My online international friend wants to kill herself and I dont know what to do for her My online best friend has countlessly mentioned wanting to kill herself mainly because her mom and grandma fight constantly every day outside of her room but also some stress she has about getting a job and things like that. This has also led to her getting sick ALL the time. She says she feels like a burden to her family. I dont know what to do about it or how to help her. I can't visit her yet either. I've talked to her about it and asked her to call a hotline but she doesn't want to. I say I'm always here for her time and time again and how much I love and appreciate her and she even responds saying how much she loves and is so grateful for me coming into her life but she won't change her mind. I NEED HELP!!,Stress +49093,"How do I convey to my manager I’m overwhelmed? So for the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve been working long hours (12+) and coming in on the weekends to finish a project. Now I have people “helping” me on the project but they honestly didn’t help me enough to get this done in time. It’s due today and I still don’t know what we’re going to say to the project manager. I also have a meeting with my manager today and I need to let him know the work has really done a number on my mental and physical health. I mean I haven’t taken a lunch in about 3 weeks. I came in on the weekend and I don’t get paid for that because I’m salary. For the past week I’ve woken up feeling nauseous and my body aching. It’s just all too much and I feel I’m breaking. I need some advice on how to let my manager know all this without sounding like I’m whining, got any tips?",Stress +29110,"I broke up with my bf of 2.5 yrs on Sunday after suspecting he was the reason why I had fallen into depression for the past year or so. I became more irritable, rude, negative and angry... which was not like my usual positive, polite, and bubbly self. He was often very negative, had anger issues/tantrums, impatient, interrupted me a lot, would ditch me for cocaine, didn't know how to drink alcohol (often consumes until he pukes), was a hypochondriac, always broke (yet had money for weed/shatter or sports betting or junk food or alcohol...), but at the same time did not look after his own health unless I pushed him to... just a lot of care-taking and issues. He has depression and anxiety as well. One of the things that really killed me inside about him was his last girlfriend who had died in a car crash about 1 year before he met me.",Stress +28505,"I felt horrible for her. Ever since, I’ve been close friends with Corrine. She told me a lot about what happened with her family, and we had a lot of late night conversations where she told me about how she had these nightmares of what might’ve happened, how she had bits of her brother’s brain on her shoes afterwards, how she tracked blood through the house while she went to get the phone to call 911. I felt so awful. We were close, but I knew her past was traumatic and rarely pried.",Stress +49090,,Stress +49338,"Does anyone else get sore aching legs and body pain from being in a constant state of worry and stress I’ve been super stressed and anxious lately because of a lot of stressors at home plus feeling like I have no one to share them with. My family has been going through insane amount of financial issues and debts so I don’t know if this is a cause // effect. + +In the past 5 months I’ve diagnosed myself with all types of cancers ( because I had blood in my stool due to hemmoroids ) I’ve had swollen nodes in my neck etc. + +My body has acted out in all kinds of ways over the past few months and I’ve been visiting all doctors where nothing major has been diagnosed but I can’t stop worrying. I had got my blood work done 3 months ago and it was all good, now with the body pain I feel like getting it again because I feel like some new cancer mah have developed. + +The past week has been literal hell where my muscles are constantly extremely aching. My legs have been so sore, I wake up every night from 2 AM to 5 AM with leg // stomach pain and anxiety attacks plus my guts have been churning and I’m constantly worrying about things. + +Has anyone else got these symptoms weird anxiety symptoms ? Sometimes I don’t even realise that I’m clenching my leg muscles they ache so much. + +Sorry for freaking out and posting about all of this. I’ll appreciate some good vibes / validation + +I’m 29/F",Stress +29737,"Due to leaving my hairbrush at home during Spring Break, I haven't been able to brush my hair in months. I am also almost out of deodorant, toothpaste, and mouth rinse. My lease for my apartment will be running out on the 31st, meaning I'll be going back home to Houston (where I'll get a different job that actually calls me into work and doesn't leave me with only 8 cents in my account. I wish I was kidding). I'll need to clean the apartment for inspection, so I also need some cleaning supplies.",Stress +48558,"Fidget Toys to Relieve Stress at Work I struggle with anxiety at work, and often find myself biting my nails or repeatedly clicking my pen as an outlet for my stress. At home, I use spinners and other various toys to keep my hands busy, but I feel silly bringing them into work, as a fidget spinner just doesn't seem fitting for the office environment. Are there any stress relief fidget toys/tools that you all use at work? Ideally something subtle and quiet! + +&#x200B; + +Thanks!",Stress +28729,"I’m high risk for PPD seeing as I have preexisting BPD and anxiety, and going back into working immediately after giving birth would most likely be very damaging. Not to mention I haven’t had the easiest pregnancy, having had multiple emergency room stays and having been hospitalized. My goal is to have at least the required time to recover, without having to put myself in debt. Even $5 is a huge help, because that's $5 less that we'll have to borrow to cover our bills while I'm not working. ",Stress +30052,This kind of thing just makes me want to stop. Why do people go out of their way to be negative to someone asking a question and trying to get help? It stresses me out.. Anyone else have this issue or get anxious over this? Or am I just being silly?,Stress +28174,"Hi everybody, I'm a 22 year old male who has had extreme depression and anxiety issues since I was 12 years old. I was also a competitive swimmer growing up and these issues started flaring up when I was moved into an age group with a very strict and demanding groups. 1.5 hour swimming sessions (4k yards) 6 days a week with a 30 minute dryland practice everyday or every other day, I believe. I had swam maybe one meet before getting placed into this group and was completely overwhelmed.",Stress +29632,"I have an appointment with a paralegal to draw up a separation agreement. When I tell him I want and am filing for a separation and divorce, he will ask why. Do I mention to him about finding the extent of their chats and the cellphone bills? What about the disappearing IM accounts? Or do I just leave it at ""You had an affair, you aren't being completely honest with me about it, I feel like this 'reconciliation' we are experiencing is just me being strung along till you get your pieces in place to leave.",Stress +48893,"It won’t stop Hello, + +I just wanted to say that I feel like I’m in a really bad place right now. Everything stresses me out. I keep getting so stressed out with everything, and it doesn’t seem to stop. + +I get so worried and worked up about everything, and everything just seems to go wrong. + +I’m on holiday with my parents at the moment. It’s been good, and I’ve been enjoying it, but the stress doesn’t stop. + +I’ve had issues with stress, anxiety, OCD and depression for a long time, and I’m trying my best to deal with how I’m feeling in a healthy way, but it’s just so difficult. + +Everything just seems to come with more stress, more anxiety, more confusion, frustration and uncertainty. + +I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.",Stress +48333,"Transport Your Mindset to a Calm Soothing place, Ambient Music for Deep ... stay calm",Stress +27714,"Certain things will make me feel uncomfortable. as of recently she will jokingly play with my nipples, like suck on them or biting them if we are laying in bed and I’m shirtless. This makes very uncomfortable and I don’t like it at all. I’ll laugh and tell her to stop and that I don’t like the feeling of it. She will keep jokingly doing so and tell me stop being a baby or that she is just joking around.",Stress +28703,"i probably havesevere gad. at least i think i do. i need to get help because im avoiding anything i can. school starts again in a few weeks, and im an upcoming sophmore. i want to stop skipping lunch because all of the people in there make me anxious and i cant bring myself to look up i stare at the ground 99% of the time whenever i walk through the halls because i cant stand to make eye contact.",Stress +28418,night sweats (bed stinks so bad and I have to wash the sheets daily and my bedroom is 68 degrees and I only sleep with sheets.) night terrors (re-occuring dream: waking up with the feeling that I am supposed to tell someone something to prevent an awful occurrence from happening but unable to say the words. The words just won't come out) Wife scared to wake me up because I am fearfully jumpy and suffer from panic attacks upon awaking. depression,Stress +28928,"Later that night someone snuck into the building we were sleeping in and killed Daniel.. he was chopped up with what I presume was a hatchet. I don't know why they spared me or Jay to this fucking day but I'd gladly take Daniel's place, he was the sweetest boy I ever knew. We were heartbroken and I vowed that I would find the bastard and get revenge for Daniel. I'm crying as I am typing this part because this is what fucked me up the most. Chapter seven: adopted",Stress +48868,"depression and burnout, please help I'm turning 23 soon and I still live at my parents house and they do the cooking and household and I don't work or study I'm always home, but still for some reason I feel like I'm at work 24/7, every tiny task is too much for me mentally, I do not get my stuff done, I have a small to-do list for myself but I procastrinate everything because I can't handle it + +Why is my mental energy to get anything done so incredibly low? I am diagnosed with depression and I guess I have a burnout, but there should be a solution this right? I have become such a lazy person...I doj't understand why",Stress +27351,"I think he doesn't want to put in the effort for the relationship to work (and we're both so difficult that we have to work on our relationships, doesn't matter with whom) but he can't be without me either. What should I do? I'm afraid this is gonna happen over and over again, because I'm always forgiving him at some point. Am I being strung along? TL;DR: Boyfriend [28,M] broke up with me [23,F] after on-off for 1.5 years, I thought we just got it together and am devastated...don't know what to do, want to keep fighting but should I?",Stress +27971,"Just recently started a job at subway, and during work I always feel immense pressure on me i start sweating constantly. I never thought I had a fear of human interaction but now I don’t know. I get extremely anxious knowing I’m going to have to work the next day. I am losing so much sleep, even now when I’m writing this, I haven’t touched my phone in a few hours but my mind wouldn’t stop rambling, making me feel horrible. It’s 1:33 am and I still can’t sleep.",Stress +49395,"A little rant I hope this would reach someone to make them feel less lonely. +I am studying constantly to finish my bachelors degree by time, and when I say constantly I mean from 12am to 12pm, with 10 mins of break every hour, and with the breaks needed to eat. Then I start to follow my interests by watching videos on yt, and I end sleeping every night at 4/5am (that’s why I start studying that late in the morning). In the meanwhile, my mom’s getting old and dad is emotionally far (they divorced). My mom is almost every day stressed and sad (for reasons that can be acceptable and sometimes unacceptable), and I don’t know how to talk with my dad, because I don’t feel him as a “real” father, due to some things that happened in the past but which I can’t actually forget. +At the same time, my gf is pretty stressed with her life since October 22, and despite the fact that things are still fine, I feel the stress that is infiltrating in our relationship; my best friend are day by day more emotionally far than ever, and I genuinely don’t know what to do. +Any advices?",Stress +27388,"Our dog Jett has been diagnosed with diabetes and is now in the hospital to stabilize his blood sugar. Luckily, he seems to be doing well and he will be home with us soon. Unfortunately, his bill is large enough that we just can't cover it on our own (especially with our poor financial situation). We're being evicted from our home soon and trying to find a place with this bill is just too much for us by ourselves. [To help us with the bill, we set up a GoFundMe ",Stress +29436,"So earlier today I was suffering from extreme derealization, depression, and anxiety. So what I did is I let the thoughts free and whenever I got a tnhoguht I ignored it and I think I just suppressed my anxiety deep down. Now instead of having a panic attack I'm having body symptoms of it. I can't think myself form the symptoms. I can't find the trigger it just happened.",Stress +48303,"How do you manage your stress even when you can’t tell if you’re stressed or not? I learned not too long ago that you may be stressed even when you don’t feel stressed. I feel like stress is a constant for me. I can’t relax without feeling lazy/antsy and can’t work without feeling fatigued/overworked. + +I don’t know how to decompress when there’s always some work that can be done (homework, chores, etc.) and deadlines approaching.",Stress +48859,,Stress +48631,Simple stress relief meditation 15 minutes to soothe the stress and anxiety from your day. [Guided meditation](https://youtu.be/sLIfnYWj8rU) to help calm and balance your mind.,Stress +27354,"I actually give an assistant half my emergency fee to come help me sometimes. I feel unsafe driving to ""house calls"" in the middle of the night by myself. I frequently bring my husband along as a makeshift “tech” or when I feel unsafe, which is obviously unfair to him. Unhappy Husband: My husband is miserable both with his 60 minute commute and with our isolation out here in the country. We feel like we have no social life out here.",Stress +28707,"How did you come up with it? I've wanted to kill myself almost everyday for 17 years. I'm done talking to therapists and asking friends for help. Right now I see two options: commit suicide or develop an emergency self-care plan for when I'm feeling this way so I'll be okay until I feel safe again. Unfortunately, my meds only impact anxiety (and only sometimes), not depression or PTSD.",Stress +48625,"Extremely tired after nervous system has calmed down? Hello. + +I have had stress symptoms for almost a year. 2 months ago it started getting real bad. I couldn’t eat or sleep. +A month ago I went on sick leave from work. + +My nervous system has finally seemed to calm down this past week, and my restlessness has been replaced by increasing tiredness. I started being able to eat properly and sleep properly most night this past week. Today I have been ridiculously tired though. + +Woke up at 7 am, fell back asleep, slept till 10:30, felt like sleeping more but got up. Now it’s 18:45 and I feel like going to bed. +Is that normal?? +My recent bloodwork looks normal, though my vitamin d is a tad too low (we’re talking 0.1 too low) and a protein is too low too (also 0.1 too low). The last one is because of my hernia causing me not being able to eat enough.",Stress +48856,"I didn’t work hard enough during my 12th year of school and now i’m screwed I slacked off pretty much throughout my entire a levels and now that results day is in 3 days i’m consumed with anxiety. I’ve been a bum all my life, all i’ve done in the last 18 years is eat, gain weight, play games and sleep. not an ounce of effort. i did study for my finals but definitely not enough and i’m so nervous for my future. In the last two months ive started working out and have lost 10kgs but i still feel like a failure that’s going to amount to nothing. My regrets are sitting like a boulder in my gut and i cant do anything about it. I need help, i’m pretty sure i’m going to fail my A levels and no uni is going to want to take me. my life has come to a standstill and i have nothing but regrets. how do i feel less shitty about myself please it’s eating me alive.",Stress +28465,"Child protective services were called and I was interviewed. I told them nothing of the sexual abuse, only the physical and emotional, as well as his constant threats to ""break your arm in that goddamn door if you don't sit fucking still"" I was removed from my home in two days and placed in a foster home until my biological father could drive up and take me to what was supposed to be my real home. On my mothers side of the family I have an aunty and my nene along with various cousins. My father kept me separated from them for two years, finally relenting when I cried and begged to see them.",Stress +28649,"However, I am resistant on it right now because I am thinking there is no point. I would rather stay here for the last few days then go because at least for now I have a place. Once I get out of here and the hospital, though, I am unsure of where to go. What should I do? I live in Washington D.C. so there seems to be a lot of facilities and help here.",Stress +27890,"Before I knew at least I stood out from the girls he followed, now I kinda feel like a shitty clone or something. I dont know. I dont have a type or follow eyecandy so I dont really understand. Help me make sense of it? Tl;dr: my bf changed his preference in women and now I feel like a shitty clone",Stress +27410,"In class, im always on edge, i cant focus on one thing for too long and i constantly scan my environment and I think they think im looking at them which im not. this also made it more awkward to talk to them. I been there for a month but im still very nervous around my peers and teachers. I know my teacher and the tutor there get nervous/uncomfortable around me, lately they haven't been talking to me much or coming up to me especially the tutor to ask if I need help which they did before, my anxiety has gotten worse and I probably look more visibly uncomfortable than ever so that why they have barely asked if I needed help or said much to me ha! yet seem more at ease with other people.",Stress +48589,"Massive chronic distres - psychomedical treatment Hi, I'm diagnosed with massive chronic distress. I perceive it to be the primary cause of my problems. For example, chronic distress leads to an inability to concentrate, which leads to poor work performance, which leads to anxiety, etc. + +&#x200B; + +Unable to address this without medication, I wanted to ask if there is a psychomedical treatment that targets this problem.",Stress +48747,"Having a bad day(s) It’s one of those day(s) where it feels like an anomaly. All day today, at work, I have been making mistakes left and right and scrambling to fix them as fast as possible. + +On top of that I am having the worst time understanding people as in just misinterpreting what people are saying and being confused with others’ communication. + +It’s making me feel so pent up and anxious and I don’t know what to do with all of this negative energy and anxiety. It feels like my body is going to explode and scatter everywhere. I just want it to end. Get whatever this is over and go back to normal.",Stress +48860,,Stress +49285,"Do I have a problem with my brain? Well I've had problems with things for a couple of years but it's never been so bad that I can't concentrate and only talk to other people at school. + for example I was listening to the teacher the whole time and then she asks me something and I don't know what she said. + and also problems like I want to read something and I can read but I can't understand what I'm reading until I can picture it in my head and that's not easy either and if I can't picture it then I can too do not understand. + and in German I've never had any problems with grammar and such and commas and everything just happened by itself and I always wrote a 1 in dictations and now all of a sudden I've made all these grammatical errors that I've made before and still messed them up. + and I've never had problems remembering things, but now on a ö I can't remember anything anymore. I forget everything I'm told and I always have to imagine it before I'm told things. + and that has nothing to do with the brain, but lately I've been getting sick every week and my immune system is also deteriorating very badly, although I've always gone 4 years without getting sick (that has nothing to do with the topic but it has to be say once) + can anyone give me any advice on what to do now?",Stress +48734,"Can Stress Relief Help With Weight Loss? So recently been doing some research for a new blog post on my website. It's about if better stress management can help lose weight or not. It's pretty interesting I think because if you know about the stress hormone cortisol which is released as a response to stress and other stress hormones being released you will know that it also affects other hormones such as adiponectin, leptin and insulin. + + +I will not go into too much detail about it here but for anybody that is interested here is my new post; +[https://dynamicideas4life.com/can-stress-relief-help-with-fat-loss/](https://dynamicideas4life.com/can-stress-relief-help-with-fat-loss/)",Stress +29162,"Because not really. I would have survived, I always have before, I have gone three and four days without eating a single thing on dozens of occasions in the last fifteen years, and I will be fine. The guy is wonderful, and has helped me a great deal. But it felt like an intentional attempt to act like I am a burdensome charity case. I just don't know.",Stress +48780,"Jacobson's progressive muscle relaxation video Hello :) + +I've made a little relaxation video, which might help you to find a little calm in the midst of chaos. + +It's actually based on Jacobson's progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) which is a scientifically based and easy-to-learn deep relaxation technique. In the video we will briefly tense one muscle group after another, followed by a relaxation phase. The interaction between physical and mental tension and thus relaxation is the focus and should help you find the relaxation you are looking for. + +I hope it helps you :) All the best + +[Progressive Muscle Relaxation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7ocXcLxprc)",Stress +48785,"Overwhelmed and stressed all the time I (28F) feel overwhelmed with day-to-day work and life. On weekends, I can’t stop thinking about work and chores during the week and on weekdays I can’t stop planning for the weekend. My partner helps me out with chores and we have a system now, but I had this problem even when I was living alone. I workout almost everyday and travel to work twice a week. I don’t think my work or travel tire me out, but i feel constantly overwhelmed with all types of work. My vitals and energy levels seem to be fine. + +First half of my day is usually buy and I have early dinner everyday (7pm). After dinner is my relaxing time but I am too tired to relax and spend quality time with my partner after that. I feel like I demand too much from myself and feel bad if I miss a chore, a workout, or don’t eat meals as per my weekly plans. Oh yes, I make weekly meal and workout plans! I have been this way for as long as I know. + +It is very stressful and I just want to chill the fuck out and not be so stressed and overwhelmed about work. I want to enjoy life and not have such a regimented lifest",Stress +30014,"I was having a fucking panic attack.Once we payed and where done, we went into the thrift store to tell my mom we where done. I finally told i was having a panic attack because he threatened to smack the crap out of me. ""he threatened you?"" i could tell by my tone she doesn't believe me. ""we're probably not coming here anymore"" she said.",Stress +29860,"It wasn't an issue, nobody needed to know, now I don't even know *what* people apparently ""know"" and are arguing about. Somewhere under all the anger about my mum making an issue out of nothing there's something that makes me wonder if it *is* a big deal. Maybe I'm just pretending I don't care? Maybe none of this even happened? I just don't know anymore.",Stress +49213,"Transport Your Mindset to a Calm Soothing place, Ambient Music for Deep ... stay calm",Stress +29209,"One of my flatmates has started distancing herself from me and I don't know what to do. I've never experienced this before as I've never really had a friendship this close with someone before. We used to see each other multiple times a day, when we were both in the flat we used to spend loads of time in each other's rooms just chilling and chatting. But recently she's been spending more time with other people rather than me. Before today I don't think I saw her for about a week which is crazy considering how close we were and that we live under the same roof.",Stress +49326,"Sleeping 6 hours, heart Racing and chest pain Hello all. + +I have been on sick leave from work for 3 months now. +Tomorrow I’m starting slowly again. 3 hours. + +Throughout all January I have had this persistent restlessness. I have been sleeping 4-6 hours every night, woken up, and slept again for 2-4 hours. Getting up at noon. The past two weeks I have tried to get up at 8, to match my work schedule. Now I only sleep 6 hours and stay in bed trying to get in the last two hours. +It worries me that I’m still not sleeping through a full night. +I’m not sure if it’s stress or my hiatal hernia or my chronic neck pain that wakes me up. But I wake up rather abruptly. So I’m guessing stress. Sometimes I wake up with racing heart. + +Speaking of racing heart - I started to get that randomly racing heart throughout the day. I wonder if it’s because I’m starting work and I’m nervous about it. I have social anxiety and I’m trying to fit into this new “me first” mindset. I’m a big people pleaser, but I have had to break with that habit now. Also I keep getting chest pain, I’m not sure if it’s my hiatal hernia or if it’s stress. + +Idk what to do. I’m feeling uneasy about not feeling better than I am after 3 months.",Stress +29829,"Oh Jesus Christ. I blacked out in front of my family- my family with a history of alcoholism (I'm an alcoholic too), my family that I promised I wouldn't get drunk in front of....I don't know what I said but they are PISSED. I come from a sort of passive aggressive family and they won't tell me what I said. I am so terrified and filled with shame and completely embarrassed. I know a lot of my family members' secrets that I'm not supposed to know and I easily could have spouted them out.",Stress +48955,"Stressed Idk why but I always start to feel like shit when I gotta get ready to try and go to sleep. My mind starts going to ""I won't make it outta here"" at random moments. I'm just thinking about these jobs like wingstop is only paying $11 and apparently you can get a lot of hours when the new location opens up but I keep stressing about moving. Some people have it so fuckin easy where they can just get up and go. I don't have it like that. It's already hard to save money and than the stress of thinking about saving to move, saving to get a bike, possibly tryna get a license and car. I've been in this city so long, it's literally taking all of my energy. How do I start thinking I'll make it outta here? Will it ever happen? I wanna get back into school but idk what I wanna do but I gotta do something if I wanna get outta here. Idk who else might be in a situation like mine but damn this shit is so annoying. Working and making the bare minimum just to try and get by smh. I keep tryna think it'll be ok but idk. I really wanna move to have way better opportunities.",Stress +27368,"Through work I have been in some dodgy situations abroad. A number of times my life has been at risk, and I've had to defend myself a few times. I'm a civilian and have only had basic weapon training. ​ We've always had an ex-military security contractor with us, but still had to perform aggressive roles when approached.",Stress +48951,"The little things Hello, + +Does anyone else feel like they’re constantly getting stressed out by the little things? + +It seems like every day, there will be something to stress me out. The smallest things can bother me so much. I just get frustrated and upset when anything goes the least bit wrong, or when something doesn’t work properly, or whatever. + +It just gets so difficult to do anything, to focus on anything, without getting stressed and anxious, and I get a headache.",Stress +49394,"I dont know what to do and my stress is showing physically Last month I had to make a hard decision: Quit my job to save my mental health, or stay there and eventually suffer a burnout that’ll cause me to lash out at everyone for everything. I chose to quit because I just knew I wouldn’t go long without a job. + +New year, new hiring season, but I’m still here…in my room…applying for jobs…almost 50-100 applications sent a week, but because I’m not specialized in anything, I have to wait for handouts. + +When I eat my stomach hurts, but when I dont eat my stomach hurts and I feel close to fainting. I can’t sleep, I’ve been staying up til like 1-2am just…applying. I literally have nothing better to do. No money to spend so I can’t go anywhere. Me and my mom need to go grocery shopping, but both of us are too broke to do so, but we make too much for food stamps and I was denied unemployment. + +I tried to smoke the stress away, but that only caused me to feel like I need it so I don’t lose my mind being a manic freak. + +I try to play my video games, but when you’ve been literally raised by the internet and have probably seen everything of interest, it’s just boring. + +I go running sometimes, but then what the hell else am I supposed to do for the other 12 hours????",Stress +27431,"This sends me into an extreme anxiety spiral, because I'd been seeing his mother almost every weekend for nearly five years, and she does this at the drop of a hat. I understand she was just trying to protect her son, but the level of nastiness was just insane. I had to get our old counsellor - mine and N's - involved to speak to her. She said the mother is taking things seriously. I don't believe it.",Stress +29186,"Short-end is, my brain is using physical disorders like seizures, because my brain has had enough and gone AWOL. On top of this, I have these events where I black out. Time stops, or happens differently for me. I have flashes, seeing things not there and that sort. The other night, the girlfriend and I are walking and I am seeing the sky light up, and hearing screaming.",Stress +28645,Hello r/Assistance. I want to go to rehab for my cocaine addiction I live in the USA where rehab has a bad stigma sadly. I was wondering what would be the best way for me going about getting into rehab for my cocaine addiction and since I don’t have insurance if they would even accept me with no criminal background and it’s not going to be court ordered admission but a voluntary self admission to the facility. Feel free to pm me if you like with advice if you rather do that than reply to this post. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this I’ll be sure to respond as quickly as I can to any responses.,Stress +49079,"Is there a way to measure how stressed I am right now? I feel very stressed, but since I live at my parents house and don't have job and don't study, I should know if I am REALLY stressed or not, before taking actions on it...",Stress +28840,"I'm in desperate need for someone online to just understand and talk to me about it, preferably someone that has recovered from it or someone who knows about the addiction. I dream of becoming a father and loving husband. I dream of reaching my goals in life. I dream of being the happy kid I once was. I don't need advices to different clinics as I live in Sweden.",Stress +28511,"They’ve only kissed twice but I’ve read their texts and it seems like he definitely cares a lot about her, enough to share more with her about himself than he ever shared with me. Is it an emotional affair? He assured her he won’t cut off contact; is he in love with her? What do I next? **",Stress +27755,"This is marriage #2 for both of us. Husband's (52 M) ex (51 F) cheated, my ex (53 M) had emotional affair, leading to ending marriages in the same year. We dated in high school, and reconnected as friends, started dating about a year later, moved in together after a year, got engaged 2 years after that. Before getting engaged I found out he was having an emotional affair with a woman who lived about a 5 hour drive away from us. I found out when he left an IM open on his computer, found steamy texts when I went to shut off a noisy program.",Stress +29718,This is all 1 days worth of stuff and it’s not even everything but this has been going on for months. My mum says she doesn’t know what to do with me that I’ve always been mildly anxious but it’s just completely spiralled out of control since Christmas time. Also I can’t sleep I’m getting 5 hours ish a night and I used to get 8 hours everyday. I don’t know what to do whether I’m justified going to a doctor or I’m just being stupid and making people with real anxiety and other mental illness look bad I feel like I’m being stupid and I hate my personality. Edit:sorry I haven’t posted on here before so I’m a bit worried I’ve come to the wrong sub or written it wrong.,Stress +48505,,Stress +29970,"We’ve been together for two and half years but went through a rough patch not too long ago because I shipped off to basic. But now that I’m back we were good but now her depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies are pushing me away. I’m trying my best to support her but it’s so hard because I’m just her boyfriend? Not her shrink or doctor. Idk what to do anymore because I try my best to help her but she doesn’t really care anymore.",Stress +49321,"Eye Twitching - Help needed I'm getting married in a month. I'm 37 and my parents and sister were pressing me to have a big wedding but I've never wanted a big one. More so, my fiancé doesn't want a big wedding either. We decided to have an immediate wedding ceremony then dinner right after. Since then my mom, dad and sister are giving me grief about our vision for a wedding. My sister keeps telling me that our ideas are stupid. I currently have an eye stye in my right eye and my left eye is twitching like boiling water. This morning I noticed that my left leg is also twitching. Any remedies to get rid of both would he helpful. + +I do not drink, smoke or drink caffeine.",Stress +49095,"Dealing with stress regarding presenting in front of a group of people So I have a presentation coming up that I am stressing over a lot. I missed the couple presentation days and a few work blocks due to a severe migraine that had me in bed for a week. And due to this when I return to school tomorrow I will need to present, but I will also be the only one presenting and it will be right at the start of class. Now I get nervous for this kind of thing often but these conditions really make it worse. And it really doesn't help that I had to write most of it with a terrible migraine, because of that im worried i may have made a few mistakes. And I've tried searching for answers as to how I can get over this stress that makes me feel nausea but I can't find any answers. It's all like ""make sure to know your material"", and this is super unhelpful as I have a very good understanding of the topic. Does anyone have any good last minute stress relievers? Or perhaps a way to make myself less nervous and stressed for a presentation? Anything is greatly appreciated.",Stress +29910,"I was getting changed into a pair of shorts and was standing. When I lifted one leg to put on the shorts, I was very shaky and it was uncontrollable. Even just when I stand, my legs shake. What is going on?! I'm scared out of my mind because no one else on the internet seems to have this exact issue so I have no idea where to look.",Stress +28159,"I feel so damaged by my childhood that I feel like I could never be fixed. Everything he's said is true about me. I am stupid, crazy, cunt, bitch, whore, and people only want me for my body. I feel so ready to just go. I hate myself so much.",Stress +30160,"I couldn't speak but finally managed to say, ""Bag, get my bag."" He was able to help me with my pills and touch me and talk to me enough that I came back. Now boyfriend is back to bed, and I'm assuming I'll be up for the rest of the night. I don't know what to do with this. This is scary stuff.",Stress +49295,"Anxiety? Stress? Guilt? Scarred? I’ll try to cut my story short in hope of someone out there being able to help me and guide me as I feel like I can no longer continue living with this feeling. + +A general idea about myself is that I am a 22 yrs old medical student. I usually stress and worry a lot about medical school and my examinations, regardless of the fact that I score the highest amongst my batch. + +My story starts the summer of 2021 where I met a girl that goes to the same medical school as I do. Half way through the relationship problems start to arise between the two of us and I didn’t think anything of them as all relationships have their ups and downs. At this time, my partner began to say bad and mean things to me when we fought which initially didn’t affect me as I knew it was because of her being angry (she also reassured me after the fight resolves that she didn’t mean it). This started to escalate in which the problems became more frequent and almost every time I’ve had hurtful things being said to me. This progressively increased till the summer of 2022 (~11 months past for our relationship) which was the same summer in which I would take my Step 1 exam (a really important, exhausting and dreadful exam). At this point I used to always worry about our future and if were are even compatible, I used to have a weird heart clenching feeling that is filled with worry and anxiety, I also used to wake up from sleep several times with my heart racing or wake up before my alarm with the thought of our relationship overwhelming. We had a fight around 3 weeks before my exam which was my last straw and I communicated to my partner at that time that I want to end things as I felt I should communicate to her my true feelings that I no longer feel like I can continue in this relationship or think we have a future together (the things that were said to me where the worse out of all fights). She was devastated, cried and begged for me to give her another chance as she will change herself. I was heistant but decided to give her a chance, it worked out for the first few days but then the same heart clenching weird anxious feeling returned. I tried to battle it and not disclose it to her, but eventually I couldn’t hide it anymore and told her I couldn’t accept and give her another chance (around ~4 days before my exam). The whole 4 days and holiday after the exam was devastating I was really sad and down. With time, I used to distract myself and go out with friends (I don’t drink) almost every other day which helped me try to forget the whole situation. + +Keep in mind that I’ve got several messages from my ex weeks after the breakup about how I was wrong and that she would never forgive me and other prayers. Similarly over the last couple of months (it’s been 6 months since our breakup) I’ve been getting tiktok reposts from her account of videos taking about injustice and how sad/devastated she was which always made me feel very guilty as I was the reason for her current feelings. Similarly, it made me self-conscious about my decisions and doubt my feelings as she claims I never loved her and if I did I would never leave her. + +Fast forward to the last month (5 months since breakup) where I finally approached a girl in my class that was always getting my attention and I couldn’t lay my eyes off her. In the first 3 days (through text), I was very happy and excited to get to know her. Three days later (which was also when the new school year started and the week of my important sport tournament) I started to have this same tiring, coruscating and exhaustive heart clenching feeling as if there is something I am worrying about. It started to increase progressively and I’ve always tried to forget it and keep it in the back of my head,, but it has been really taking a toll on me as I almost wake up everyday with this feeling and it stays throughout the day. Keeping in mind that throughout this period we’ve grown really close and she seems to really care about me. I have this feeling in the background around 60% of the day, 20% is me being distracted by work and friends and the remainder 20% consist of me actually overthinking and worrying. I really don’t understand why is this happening: + a. Am I feeling guilty that I am meeting a new person? + b. Am I worrying that this new relationship may end like the previous one? + c. Am I scarred and no longer can commit to a relationship? + d. Why is the same feeling (but less intensity) that I was having before I left my ex happening again???? + e. Is the person not compatible for me and I am still seeking my ex? + f. Did I still not move on from my previous relationship (prior to the new girl I was certain that I did move on and had 0 feelings, but I brought it up now because I have no idea what is the reason for this feeling) + +Any input can help me understand this feeling that is taking a huge toll on me. + + +This is a previous post of what I felt with my ex that I posted 200d ago: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/step1/comments/w5ypbm/morning_anxiety_life_and_relationships/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf",Stress +49376,"rouvestatin jus started rouvestatin, anyone out there get dizzineà from side effects?🤔🤔🤔",Stress +29000,. . . I had an emotionally and physically abusive mother growing up and and an absent drunk father. At 13 I was convinced by a 30-something year old man I was his girlfriend and introduced to drugs.,Stress +48334,"Stress is or physical illness is there even a difference? Last year the past few months I had been suffering from stress - for me the physical symptoms are a tightness in the chest leading to a feeling of tension through my body. + +I finally went to a doctor and they diagnosed me - not with stress but pretty bad GERD. I took large doses of nexium for a few months - and wow - stress and tension gone. + +Has anyone else had this experience - where past stress is masking a physical illness or vice versa?",Stress +48735,"Im convinced I might die Hey, + +Ive had panic attacs for the last 2 years and ive recently found out when writing my stressors what the reason was of them. Now writing the down they reduced by a whole 100%. Cheez these hyperventilations,chest pain,heart palpitations where no fun.",Stress +49373,How do high level CEO’s manage stress? I’ve always wondered how someone can have so much on their shoulders yet manage the stress and do their job.,Stress +28179,"I also get really painful cramps/periods every month. I do not share this with the people I work with because I do not want to ""complain"" nor do I think it is any of their business! Today, I asked to leave at lunch time, because I was in a lot of pain, I had terrible cramps, and actually bled through my pants! Embarrassing! The secretary told me it was no problem.",Stress +48498,,Stress +29535,"I suffered a concussion a month ago and I noticed it really has provoked my anxiety to be scared about getting worse and it has even led to me getting depressed and thinking of harming myself I have been like this before, I have had anxiety but not to this level. I have felt better since the concussion has healed but I am worried I won't recover from my anxiety and I have been perscribed Celprix (Escitalopram) and unsure if I should take it. I kind of feel like I can recover from this by getter back to my routine and return to work. Anyone else been through a life changing injury and had some bad anxiety from it?",Stress +29252,"She Actually gave me 2 months to find a place to live before she was gonna kick me out but i couldn't find any and Friday is the last day of those 2 months. I don't have a car, or any friends that'll let me stay with them. In total , i have about 600 bucks . Maybe i could use that money to gtfo of Minnesota. Maybe i could buy a gun and shoot myself idk .",Stress +28646,"It would seem getting this out there would be a huge turn off for her (it certainly is for me) so why is she acting that way? Again, I don't tell her this but it's almost as if she's trying to account for infidelity, except she wasn't...she was abused. I'm just trying to solve this in my head. My emotions are a wreck. I'll definetely reach out to a therapist soon but could use help in the meantime.",Stress +48835,,Stress +29837,"We've been getting along very well, and our previous repeated complaints on both sides of ceased because of this. But as time has gone on my feelings have changed in regards to me thinking I can accept this and work through it with her. I know I love her, and I don't really know how to explain my emotions here, but I no longer feel like ""her husband"", and I don't feel like she's ""my wife"", it's more like we're partners or room mates or something. I feel a vital part of our marriage (loyalty, and trust) is gone and it can't come back. In the end, I can't shake the thoughts of leaving and restarting my life.",Stress +28629,"I'm worried about my friend. She's really pretty and carefree and intelligent and I've known her since highschool. We had a band back then. She played guitar and sang, I played bass and another friend of ours played drums. We were into the grunge scene and to be honest, we were kinda good for a bunch of 15 year olds trying to make a name for themselves.",Stress +28274,"The problem is that she won't accept the fact that I want to break up. She says I'm not giving a good enough reason. And she wants me to keep talking to her because I'm her only good friend that she can talk to and thinks she can win me back. I'm a pretty nice guy, and I feel bad for her because I know she struggles with making friends, and I feel like an ass if I just leave her. Help me reason with myself that this is a good idea to leave her and stop communication.",Stress +48991,"My life is boring I fear for how boring my future life is. I see how my life is planned out and I hate it. I see myself going to college and then graduate school, then meeting my husband through my parents, marrying someone who is part of my culture, having 2+ kids, and raising them in the suburbs near my parents, constantly working to make money so I can give my kids a nice life and taking my salary and putting it into a college fund, just so this life can be replicated by my kids. It’s boring and I hate it. I want more. I want to be famous and make something of myself and do something. I don’t want to be boring. The only problem is I only care about success and I only want to do something I love if I will be successful because if I’m not I feel I’m still living the same boring life. I need help because this is keeping me up all night of everyday and I think about it almost every second except when I eat, sleep, and watch TV.",Stress +48832,"My life is about to change 5 days from today, my life is about to change. While this may or will be a good move for me, I am majorly stressed out due to this change. Some background, over a year ago, the company that I currently work for, announced that they will be laying off staff at my location and moving operations back to a HUGE city that I personally didn’t want to move back to, so I chose to take my 21 years of service severance package and will be moving further west to the coast. This past year has had issues nonetheless, due to the company stalling our end of work date consistently, which was due to supply chain issues from the Pandemic, which the company didn’t foresee when they announced the layoff and/or work transfer notice. This “stall” has caused a lot of stress on myself and my co-workers with not knowing when we’d all be getting the axe. The company had us all dangling from one meeting to another, when finally, at the end of last May, they announced that our end of work date will be at the end of this August. During this year long “wait” with not knowing when our actual end date would be, the lady whom I rented my basement room from, took it upon herself and just “guessed” that my end of work date would be sometime last May, and basically evicted me out of the basement, however she offered me to stay in another room in the house. She did this so she could get more money from a family of three who moved into the basement last May from the UK. This was an annoyance, however I do get on very well with the family, who are really cool people. I did a massive purge and downsized a lot of my belongings, which what is left, fits snuggley into my vehicle. I can’t afford to hire a moving truck or get a hitch put on my car and pay for a uhaul trailer…so minimizing was the way to go. With finally knowing my actual end date, I could now start prepping for my move further west to the coast. I applied for school, got in and start in September. My finances are “f’k’d” to say the least, I have had to sink ALOT of money into getting my vehicle road trip ready, and due to this, has left me very short on cash with funding this road trip/move. I needed to get a “temp” place which allows dogs, where the college is, and seeing how I don’t know a soul in and around that area, I opted to book an air bnb for the moth of September and 1st week of October. This air bnb is pretty pricey. However, I felt I have no choice but to go there and start looking for a dog friendly place when I get there. I applied for another credit card but was denied due to a “fraud alert” on my credit report from 4 years ago when I got my vehicle broken into and my purse was stolen. I went and got and paid for the police record, supplied my passport and driver’s license as photo I.d, and got copies of them all and gave it to the bank where I applied for the credit cards over a week ago. The bank lady sent these copies to the department that issues credit cards, but they didn’t read her “notes” and see the attached files. 😑 the Airbnb payment is due this Thursday, and I was starting to panic. I asked a family member to help me out to no shagrin. 😑 luckily, a very good friend of mine has loaned me the money, knowing I will be getting a HUGE severance payout in mid September. thank god. *whew!* still waiting on my own bank to transfer this Airbnb money to my large credit card, so I can pay the Airbnb. I am hoping that happens today or tomorrow. I got a finally fix done on my vehicle yesterday, and while driving I noticed a strange noise, so I will have to go back there to have it looked at. Seeing how this is my last week of work, my time is stretched. Ugh. Anyhow, thanks to all who have read, thanks for comments if you leave one. On wards to the west/wet coast!",Stress +48404,"New nervous/stress habits. New poster here. I am a 54f professional w a history of depression. I notice I’ve developed new habits of rocking (rare) and chin quivering (frequent!, seems intentional, can stop, but the inclination is def increasing). Full transparency: I’ve started drinking a bit more, but no more than I’ve overindulged in the past due to stress. I am under incredible amounts of increasing, unrelenting, and incomprehensible stress these days due to my employer suddenly changing all policies. I never rocked/quivered before these changes. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced rocking and chin quivering in response to stress. And the influence of alcohol if relevant. Thanks.",Stress +49075,"I feel like im against everyone else I have been stressed at school For a couple of months now, because of exams and some relationship with my classmates. The easter holidays did not made me recover as much as i hoped, and now,not only the final month Is gonna be mayhem on earth,but the girl i liked apparently still loves her ex, i didn't corfess to her because of that wft why would i. I feel like everyone Is going against me, but if they want a fight,I'll give em a fight, i Will fight to the last brain Cell, until i Will get out completely melted",Stress +29722,"I feel like I've failed. I keep having this fear that I've made it all up. Everything. That I made up the rape, and made up the traumatizing feelings, made up the emotions. I'm afraid that I just have a very sick, sick dramatic mind that is just making up terrible shit to try and destroy me or something?",Stress +48787,"Overstressing everything Hey, joined this community just now since I kinda need some life advice, from anyone. + +I've always been stressing out a lot over various things, but as of recently I started to realise that it has taken over my life in various ways. + +For example, even as of recently I was supposed to drive a group of friends to a theme park. Just a fun day, but the responsibility of driving my friends there somehow made me insanely nervous, even though I was ""calm inside"" if that makes sense. As a result I slept 0 hours in total. Melatonin didn't work, meditating did nothing, breathing exercises did nothing, my mind just kept on racing. +(p.s. a friend drove in my car for me, I'm not driving on 0 hrs of sleep) + + +It's not just that single event though. School days cause stress, tests cause stress, even having a totally free day but having to receive a package the next day causes sleep issues and stomach aches. +When doing things I'm always thinking about the worst thing that could happen, and what if that would happen, even if the chances are minimal, which only adds up to the stress. +Idk anymore, should I visit a psychiatrist? Like what do you do here? This has been ongoing for at least 10 years now, I'm currently 22 and this has to stop + +thnx :)",Stress +27877,"Kyle got out and started contacting me again, writing letters to “prove he still knew where I lived”, and “being able to get in touch with me regardless of me blocking him”. I have some friends in the police force near me, who I informed of the situation. About the same time I started talking to them, Kyle was put in jail for separate reasons. Since these two events, he has stopped contacting me (thank Christ.) James knows about Kyle, but I haven’t told James about the most recent developments because he has had a lot going on (a death in the family, health issues, among others).",Stress +29053,I lost a child because of this man and i went back for round 2? Am I nuts? Why am I so surprised i've come out looking like i've just had 10 round with Tyson? Advice please - anyone gone through a similar experience? What did you do?,Stress +28821,I need to start setting some healthy boundaries and cut these people out of my life. I just do not know where to start because they are family but I have three girls that are growing. I cannot have them involved with these monsters. My children will know a different world. Do I tell my father or just fade slowly into the abyss and never look back?,Stress +28176,"Over the past couple of years I've been getting increasingly afraid of road trips. I've been terrified of dying in car accidents. I don't know entirely knowing where this fear is coming from. I was in a super minor fender bender as a teenager but that was it. In college, I lived in a city with insane traffic and regular accidents but I never experienced an accident myself.",Stress +48604,Feeling overwhelmed with work and life? Here's how to manage stress at work! [https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work](https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work),Stress +29810,"I'm going crazy. Now I'm jobless because my attempts to please/help her only screwed myself over and now I'm jobless and my mental health issues are coming out. Getting jobs is really hard for me due to some PTSD from my parents, but I'm trying my best to push through it and get a job ASAP. I'm dropping out of school (again) so I can work on my financials, but in the meantime, I NEED OUT!!!!!!! !",Stress +29554,"My anxiety caused me to become independent and cold towards him, but inside I was screaming. All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything was fine. But my anxiety got the best of us and caused a rift. We broke up for a week and then when we got back together we were really good for maybe a month or two and the same insecurities slipped in. Mind you, he has NEVER cheated or even acted interested in other girls.",Stress +30020,"I changed jobs last year and moved up into a management role. I run a small program for kids and have 3 staff. Shortly after accepting my position, my job duties completely changed, I hired one new staff person, 2 staff quit and I hired 2 more, and it was up for debate on whether the program would cease to exist by 2019. It feels like I’ve been in survival mode, and everyone was abandoning me...even though I know it wasn’t me they were abandoning. This was rough for me.",Stress +49219,"need $600 in 10 days. I’m struggling quite a bit to reach my goal. I wish I had more help with friends and family but I really don’t have anyone who can help, so I’m just stressed out trying to manage and stay safe, I barely eat or sleep trying to survive. I was able to reach out for a loan but I’m unable to qualify for it due to not have stable work for 6 previous months. +It’s like.. in america, HOW… can I… get out of this. I need to pay for my room bill, I don’t want to be on the streets or shelter I enjoy feeling secure in my space… it’s just stressful seriously.",Stress +28069,"She is in need of some house repairs and a reliable car. Her fixed income and family support isn't enough to get everything done. The van she’s driving has some serious problems. The transmission is dying and there's no heater or defroster. The lights, blinkers, and brakes don't always work right due to electrical problems.",Stress +48658,Too Stressed To Sleep I'm too stressed to sleep because of my family relationships. How do you guys get good sleep?,Stress +28260,"I am a failure as a mother. I cannot even give my child a safe place to sleep. And my post yesterday offered one piece of advice and a lot of downvotes. Today, I am begging. I created an [Amazon wishlist, titled ""Emergency list"" ) I just want my daughter to have somewhere to sleep, that is not the cold floor in the middle of winter.",Stress +29493,"I'm soo lucky/blessed that I have parents with an open home to me so that I am able to do this but I can't keep going on like this. I feel afraid to work. I feel like less of a man because of this. I worry about my future and if I'll ever get stable ground. Sorry, I needed to put my thoughts into text.",Stress +30041,"I started a new job last Tuesday, and I have had some pretty severe anxiety most days, especially my first day. (As probably to be expected) This is my second job, and unlike my first one I have ZERO customer interaction so my social anxiety hasn't been nearly as bad as it was with my previous job. Now tomorrow morning I start my second week, and I was feeling fine all day today, but it's time to sleep and I can't even lay down without freaking out. I'd hate to call in sick after only one week but I don't know if I can make it like this. I'm freaking out and it's stopping me from getting any sleep.",Stress +29906,He loves them and treats them like gold. I love the type of father he is but I hate the way he treats me. I have no one to open up to or go to if I even tried to leave him. I’m tired of him abusing me mentally and physically me. He has cheated on me several times and each time it knocks my self esteem Lower and lower.,Stress +48755,"Missing a week of college due to illness On Friday, I woke up with a fever and was tested for covid and then put in quarantine by Res Life. Luckily, I tested negative for covid but after talking to my doctor it appears I have a bad flu or some kind of viral infection. I live around 4.5 hours away from university and my dad picked me up and drove me home as soon as I had the covid scare so I wouldn't have to quarantine in the Quarantine and Isolation Housing dorm. I'm staying home for the week to recover from whatever I have and to see my doctor in person. +My professors all let me know what I'd be missing and where I can access work so I don't fall behind. It's so great to see my family again but I'm melancholy because I'm so stressed about missing school and sports practice plus my car and most of my belongings are at my school. The health center, res life, and the dean's office all know the situation but I'm worried that me missing class will come back to bite me when I return to school. College was already extremely stressful for me, especially with my busy sports schedule where I practice 3 nights in a row from 11 pm-12:30 am. +Is there any advice or coping mechanisms you can give me to help me get over this stress? + + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +Also, for reference, I'm a freshman (18 male) and I have a private dorm so I don't have a roommate but my dorm has hallway shared bathrooms, showers, laundry rooms, etc.",Stress +28461,"I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. It seems like every day I'm having some kind of meltdown and I don't know how to get back to normal. The other night I had a massive flashback, no idea what triggered it. It came out of nowhere. And for about two weeks now I feel constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack.",Stress +28416,"I won't defend myself, I know I shouldn't have raised my voice and I should have left much much earlier. I know who I am. That said.. Every day, I see a look that tells me a person I know loathes me. A thin veneer of social platitudes to cover a roiling hatred. I don't know what to write past this point.",Stress +28684,"I don't know why, because it didn't bother me before I actually saw it on a screen, but I am absolutely crushed. I've asked him to hide it from me from now on and expressed how hurt it was, but I went to use his gaming system a couple of days ago and saw he was still looking it up regularly (I guess he thought I wouldn't use it - I had gone to look up something and all the searches popped up in the Bing bar). I never felt attractive to him and I know that's my own fault and insecurity and not his problem to fix. I know rationally that men like variety. But I haven't sent him nudes in probably two months now.",Stress +27872,"Not because I didn’t have evidence, but because none of the evidence was permissible in court. My last order of protection was denied. I’m a survivor of childhood incest. It just seems like no one cares or wants to care about the psychological repercussions any of this abuse has on people. And I’m the one to blame for not being a perfectly normal person.",Stress +28255,"I had a skin graft. It hurts, every day. Not all the time, but usually when I'm upset or having a hard time. It'd be nice to know the pain isn't all in my head and maybe it's actually a physical consequence. It just hurts.",Stress +48352,"Simple Ways to Destress and Relax After a Long Day Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out? If so, you’re not alone. In today’s world, it can be hard to keep up with the demands of life while still maintaining a healthy lifestyle. From work deadlines to family obligations, stressors come in all shapes and sizes. Fortunately, there are many techniques that can help reduce stress levels and boost your overall well-being – and they don’t have to take hours or require costly materials! Here’s a look at some helpful tips for destressing quickly and easily. + +[https://beautyaal.com/de-stress/](https://beautyaal.com/de-stress/)",Stress +48890,"I must confess I got to come clean I been helping a friend with money gave all I had and sold my valuables and it not enough to help his kids I don't know what to do. +Please pray my friend is having money troubles and can't afford food or medication do to his bank having problems with his account. Pray for me to I feel and I don't have any money to help my friend he come on bad times and I am broke till October I gave him all I could month ago now I have nothing else to give. Plus I owe about 50k plus in student loans. I helped them and this is my reward being broke for having a heart. It like nothing I do matters. No one wants to help and those who have gave me money in the past thank you. I sorry I need 100 bucks I just need money now and I deserve this punishment for putting myself out there to help i am so stressed his kids say he need the medication.",Stress +49032,"covid has made me really ugly I see it. it has changed my face. the extreme and traumatizing hardships I went through with covid really changed my face. it changed my life 180 degrees. work and lifestyle. being isolated for so long on my own. wave after wave and variant battered me. so much worrying. psychological stresses. was forcefully admitted to mental health hospital twice during this time. my eyesight has degraded and I see double vision. never had this before. + +and saying, try to relax and meditate is like trying to put out a big fire with a small paper towel instead of a large heavy blanket. it doesnt do anything. + +the only thing good from it, is that I awoke from the matrix. im not blind to whats happening.",Stress +48329,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +48377,can someone else’s stress age you? 22f and 26m i’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and it was all good then a couple years ago he found out he had court because he did something really illegal not gonna say what. but the court process has been going on 2 years cuz they’ve been pushing it off and he’s been so stressed the past 2 years like really bad it affects our relationship to the point where i’m stressed all the time too we had a kid together right when he found out he had court too. but i noticed ever since he found out i literally look like shit and getting wrinkles and all that and i’m healthy otherwise i read that stress is a big aging factor so do you think it’s true someone else’s stress can age you ?,Stress +49391,"First job This will probably be funny to most ppl but, I’m planning on applying to Walmart as a cashier as my first ever job but I’m extremely nervous because I’m really really bad at basic math and have trouble with basic numbers and I always overthink things and keep thinking of scenarios where if I had to give back change or smth I’d be totally stuck and look like an idiot I just thought I’d share that and hopfully people in the comments can help me out ty 😬",Stress +28446,"And no friends are close enough to help her. Additionally, she is kind of scared of strangers because of her past of abuse. I live in a different country so I cannot help her as best as she needs. She has attempted suicide multiple times. I have been successful in saving her every time - with throwing up the pills and or calling an ambulance or whatever may be necessary.",Stress +29276,"I feel like one of my worst symptoms is nightmares. Not because they are overly terrifying, I don't wake up covered in sweat or out of breath. I just wake up feeling mentally and to a lesser degree physically exhausted. It just ruins my mood for the day and feels so hard to snap out of. I mostly just dream of killing my family and friends, or other random people, or people killing me or people dying.",Stress +48314,"Reducing stress via gamified online controlled breathing exercise Hi everybody! I'm a Honours students studying Psychology at the University of the Sunshine Coast, Australia. + +This little study (less than 30 minutes) is part of my Thesis, and your participation will help me understand more about gamification and motivating people to exercise more in online mindfulness programs which in turn reduces stress and anxiety. + +Thanks for your time! + +[https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/6282B8CA-8646-4CAD-A5A3-C716E7BC19D8](https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/6282B8CA-8646-4CAD-A5A3-C716E7BC19D8)",Stress +27488,"I feel like I'm going to go insane. I can't stop crying or wanting to pull my hair out or screaming. I can't stop shaking. I'm on medications for anxiety and they help some but not much and not often... Ultimately, I know I'm not me anymore.",Stress +49100,"A step-by-step Therapeutic Art Activity to help you tap into your Inner Peace by using your creativity, your breath and the power of art materials... + +[https://youtu.be/ozePVL9L2AA](https://youtu.be/ozePVL9L2AA)",Stress +27768,"I'm in my third year at uni and starting my diss now (its due in January), and I'm really struggling with feelings of dread and anxiety. I dread waking up knowing I have to do work, and I compare myself to how much my friends are working. When i see them working I am just filled with dread and guilt. ​ I keep getting to the point now where when I try and do work, I freeze.",Stress +30009,"But I’m pissed, I waited to long for this like I honestly could have killed myself before they got back to me. I know there’s a lot of people in the system and their funding is low, but this is bullshit! The government doesn’t give a shit about mentally ill people. If they did then there honestly would be way less crime rates and suicide rate because people would be getting the help that they need instead of waiting for some bad shit to happen before they get help. The urgency is just NOT there at all.",Stress +49249,"Stress at work making me physically ill I work at an engineering firm that surveys underground utilities and drain systems. I started work last July and it has been a never ending stream of all consuming stress and anxiety for me. It feels like I can’t escape from work and it never ends, and it feels like no matter how hard I try my work always gets thrown back at me with my boss telling me it’s horribly wrong and that I had no idea what I was doing. It’s not like I don’t ask him for help either, he will review my work and offer revisions, only to go back and find new instances that he didn’t mention before. +If all I had to do was draft I’d be okay with that. But because the company is so small everyone does every project on their own start to finish, from proposal to cost estimate to survey to drafting to finish. All I know how to do is draft, and because everyone has been so busy I haven’t been able to learn the other skills. +I’ve also been given another near impossible task that I have been trying to teach myself how to do, but I also haven’t even had time in my work day to do that. +Even my coworkers are all older than me by a significant margin, and have been in this business for quite some time. They live to work, and I don’t have anything in common in which forms camaraderie. +Literally the only thing keeping me here is the pay. Which is very good, but I cant live like this. I feel exhausted and broken when I get home. I feel like I can’t do anything after. I sit at my desk literally watching my hair fall out and feeling like I am sick from dealing with this. Is this just what adult life and and adult job is? I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this, I can’t believe I’m going to Reddit to vent, and I need help. + +TLDR: almost every facet of my engineering job is stressing me out and I don’t know what to do.",Stress +48723,"extreme stress Aches, pains, sharp discomforts, chest pains, palpatations, anxiety, sore muscles, head filled with stress, body just defeated. + +I'm so bad off right now. I just started a new job which I am sure is contributing to stress levels. The job will give me insurance starting next month so I can't even see a doctor yet. I am hurting SO BAD. Does anyone have any advice at all. I am just so defeated right now.",Stress +48457,"How stress alone has potentially ruined my physical health . Last year alone . I stressed a lot . I actually told myself I’m so stressed . I feel like I could die from this level of stress . Well it almost got me . + +Start of last year . +- stress induced stomach ulcer + +4 months later +- stress induced IBS + +6 months later +- started grinding my teeth + +8 months later +- teeth grinding now caused tinnitus , ear pain , jaw pain . + +So because of stress I have facial pain , stomach pain , intestines issues , worn teeth and worst of all 24/7 tinnitus and ear pain . + +Stress is no joke . Look after yourself",Stress +48580,"exam stress i’m just looking for some words of kindness or experience here + +so i’m in grade 12 but i’m also doing a dual credit program so i have a lot on my plate. it’s also sick season so i’ve been off and on sick, i’ve had chem tests or la essays or assignments everyday and my dual credit exam is tomorrow. it’s a huge test and worth maybe 200 points so i’m terrified because i’ve never done such a large test in my life. i haven’t been able to write review notes (the exam is open book) because i’ve had to prioritize everything else. i plan on waking up at 4:00am tomorrow morning and i’ve already done 4 or so hours of studying. i’m super scared and feel over the top stressed.",Stress +49149,"Release what's weighing you down... Relaxation for meditation, deep sleep, and anxiety/stress relief. Hope this video brings light and health to your present situation. + +[https://youtu.be/H5PHmyZFswY](https://youtu.be/H5PHmyZFswY)",Stress +48811,"stressing the f**k out!!!! i have a lot of court stuff ccoming up and i am absolutely at my breaking point right now... nothing has helped so far, what do i do?",Stress +49181,Does anyone experience stress…passively? I’ve noticed recently people around me often have to tell me I’m stressed. I’m reminded that my environment at home is extremely stressful & I have pretty bad anxiety. For some reason I don’t really think I feel stressed but my body weight will fluctuate & my habits are irregular. I feel light headed randomly & my jaw will feel tight. How do you recognize & manage stress better?,Stress +49435,how to feel stress free? im not even sure how being stress free will feel but im trying to get to that point bc stress fucks up ur health. does anyone have any tips?,Stress +29553,"Apparently with this new technology, my entire phone shuts down for 5 minutes after making an emergency call. I'm waiting to tell work about what happened, that I can't come in. I'm going to the hospital with her. I don't care if they're mad or if I get fired. I just feel so shaken and scared still.",Stress +48553,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49066,"My old best friend hates me and I don’t know why This all started last august. She has a boyfriend that I didn’t mind at first then he started saying the n word and plenty of other slurs all the time (he is white btw). She hated this but stayed w him. He always bullied me and was so disrespectful to me and my house. One time even made fun of my small breasts in front of her and she didn’t care. She usually took his side and would even leave us hanging out randomly to be w him + +Last august for my birthday I went camping and I asked if she wanted to go. She asked if her bf could go and I said my friends (the ones camping w me) didn’t really know him and I don’t like how he says so many slurs. She got upset w me but then we were fine. She started ghosting me and we stopped hanging out even though I kept trying to reach out. + +In December I texted her saying I missed her and wanted to hangout. She was ignoring me for a whole day. I thought maybe she got a new phone number so I asked my bf to text her. She blocked him. It took me to tell her that this situation was ridiculous for her to respond and to tell me she’s “too stressed to be around ppl bc she’s starting school” I don’t think she’s going to college rn. + +Today I texted her saying I wanted to talk and realized I made her upset and wanted to apologize. I noticed she blocked me so I asked her friend if she could unblock me and she did. My old bsf responded with (to her friend to tell me) “sorry about that”. + +I don’t know what I did to make her hate me so much. It hurts so bad and I’ve been crying all day. We were best friends for years and were so close.",Stress +27913,"My problem is, if I'm going to date anyone, they have to be aware that I struggle with PTSD and willing to at least be there for me when I need. I don't need coddling or protecting, I just need someone to hold my hand and let me cry it out, or help me through a flashback. I need someone who can *be* present and emotional, and someone I can feel comfortable having a conversation with about it. Everytime I have had a breakdown, and try to express things from the past, he audibly growls and talks about how pissed he is that it happened. He talks about what he'd do to my abusers if he ever found them.",Stress +48565,What's the worst part about being stressed constantly? We all obviously understand that stress isn't healthy. But each of us experiences stress differently. What's the worst part about being stressed for you?,Stress +48849,Do you like rain sounds with thunder or without to help with stress relief? https://youtu.be/lSqKwwNO-Co,Stress +48737,"I need motivation or something to keep going I feel like everything I’m going through started when I went to my nephrologist and learned that my kidney function is lowering and my bp has raised. He put me on losartan 25 mg and I feel as if it’s ruining my whole life. At first it was the headaches, everyday I would get one. Then the tinnitus came and now I had ringing in my ears. Then after that I noticed my vision felt weird (I would mess up reading) and I got a bunch of floaters, I went to the eye doctor and she said that my eyes were fine. Then I started feeling very stupid like I couldn’t understand anything. It’s like everything I would hear would go in one ear and out the other. When reading questions in a test I would have to re-read multiple times to actually understand it. I was already stressed with my health issues and taking almost all AP classes has made it many times worse. I want to try the best I can but I just don’t feel like trying anymore. I’ve always wanted to be the best and I’ve always been “Smart” but now I feel so slow and I can’t focus. I don’t want to disappoint my parents but I don’t think I can do this. Am I just imagining everything or is something really wrong? I’m only 16 and I feel like I’m already losing my future because of this.",Stress +28667,"Again, I worry they'll say that if I'm sexually active, I should be able to do this just fine. -Could I get them to only not leave the room or open the door where someone walking by could see me? -Could I ask them to tell me everything as they're doing it? So I'm somewhat prepared for everything? -Could I get them to stop if I need it?",Stress +28421,"I'm not against working my ass off, I'm just getting down right now, no responses to applications can do that. I'm in a state that doesn't even have a real art school. I have no funds whatsoever, no family to help, I don't know where to go from here? Like how do you even apply for scholarships? How do I not starve to death if I can get to art school?",Stress +29531,"I only get it when I have a flashback or strong reaction to a trigger. I notice it sticks around even when I feel emotionally calm and can stick around for a long time after the trigger, like days or weeks. It’s a new symptom I think. Also been having lots of nightmares again recently. Not sure what to do as I’m not currently in therapy, but I am waiting to be seen at a mental health clinic.",Stress +27861,"Kinda. But now it’s just weird. He buys us matching clothes, tries to get us to do the same shit, constantly insists that we’re so similar, etc. They try to hold my hands when we go out, and when I told my dad I needed her to stop being so touchy with me, he guilt tripped the fuck out of me. I’m 19 in a few days, I need to get out of here, but I feel so fucking guilty.",Stress +49250,How's your stress resilience on a day to day basis? [https://resilience.skara.ai](https://resilience.skara.ai),Stress +48968,HELP I have been really stressed lately I know this doesn’t seem like a really big problem but I don’t know how not to be stressed I lost my Apple Watch and literally my mom said that she would kill me if I want to find it I’ve searched the entire house I can’t find it anywhere it’s dead I don’t know how to stop making myself stressed,Stress +48309,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be entered to win a **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory +* Not have prior experience with mindfulness/meditation +* Not currently be receiving therapy + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +49061,"Self employed business stress. Slowly eating me alive. I’m a 2021 graduate. I went straight into being self employed product photographer. The first few months I made a good wage. Lots of clients and a good business overall. I now haven’t had a booking in 5 months. When I got really busy, I extremely over booked myself. Sometimes working 7 days a week and staying up all night to Finnish projects. Being that overworked and rushes. I’d make stupid mistake etc. effecting business overall. I miss working. I have no money coming in but I live with my parents so I have some times to figure that out but I just don’t want to fail. I put my all into jt.",Stress +49278,"Stress leave Anyone ever successfully take FMLA for stress leave? What was the process like? Did you return to your previous employer and if so, were you treated with respect after leave?",Stress +28628,"I'm trying to keep my mouth shut, but shit is so goddamn annoying. Oh, and my both of their first languages are not English. While I speak only English. I criticize my father by telling him he speaks like Donald Trump. I'm gonna donate plasma tomorrow, because I'm broke.",Stress +29321,"It’s been a terrible struggle the last few years. We have never asked for help from anyone, though. We are hard working and we are proud of our family, and who we are as people. It’s hard to ask for help. BUT- sometimes WE need help too.",Stress +28503,"My cats were both inside, but this didn't stop my brain working overtime. I would even listen out to what passers-by were saying, in case they found a dead cat. I would have to get out of bed and look out of the window if I heard a sound that doesn't sound normal, for example a trailer on the back of a car banging. My boyfriend puts on kitten videos to soothe me but all I can think about is 'They are all going to die, how sad is that?' but I don't say anything, I put on my most convincing smile and go along with it.",Stress +49070,"In what way does chronic stress affect your brain's ability to function (brain fog) ? I am just wondering, because I have some problems with thinking/focusing/remembering 24/7, and I am also quite a stressful person, so I figured that chronic stress may be the main culprit. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/u9k398)",Stress +48813,"high level of stress and anxity cause morning urination Hello, I am a 28-year-old man, with good health. I have been suffering from an increase in urination of dilute urine, especially in the early morning. I did all the tests for blood tests for hormones, liver, kidneys and heart, such as radiographs and blood tests, but the internal doctors and nephrologists and endocrine did not find any problems I have, including diabetes, as the cumulative and daily blood sugar levels are very excellent, could the cause be anxiety or excessive stress cause this , has any of you experienced something similar?",Stress +48845,"How do I get better? I am 18, from Brazil, currently doing architecture. I have depression and anxiety, probably ADHD too, but still need to do the tests again. I was taking medication since mamy years ago. Got discharged at the begging of the year before starting college, had to get back at it again after starting the course. I took the same meds as before which I used for years, but my body didn't understand that I have already took then before and had some side effects that scared me and I stopped taking one of the meds. Then after the end of my 1st semester I was looking worse with my depression, so my psychiatrist decided to give me adult depression meds... safe to say it backfire extraordinarily, I just turned 18, barely a month ago. + +Went to other doctors and and the 1st side effect went away, but the adult medication gave me more and worse side effects, so again me psychiatrist suggested changing meds. My mom already had some bad impressions on the doctor so after they tried to change again with no wait to see if I'd get better, she told me to stop taking any meds altogether. + +I get why, my appetite is lower than usual and I am super sensible to climate and temperature, my intestines are hurting and my head aches everyday. So I am currently on the process of adapting. And a new college period stared when I was told to change meds for the 2nd time... I am barely keeping up again with whats being teached and although I got the handle of how college works, I am suffering. Stuff that usually don't bother me or gove me so much work are really demanding me. I am not taking notes as I'd like or being able to concentrate in almost any task that is mildly difficult. Am currently procrastinating the 36 pages and topics that range from a to z of architecture topics that I have to summarise and another 17 pages that I also will summarise, all for today untill 11:59 PM, currently the hour is 19:07...",Stress +29296,"In a shame spiral, validation after asking feedback from peers, I'm over-reacting or too sensitive. Thank god my GF still loves me. I am in states of hypervigilance, catastrophizing, and hypersensitivity and it blows. Just needing to write this out, it helps. Thank you for reading.",Stress +29822,"My stress tolerance was already at a zero and I was contemplating suicide a lot, i didn’t want to see where that would lead me and I didn’t want to do that to my brothers. I was incredibly lucky and got referred to a good psychologist that I like. He’s helping me through the problems of getting rehabilitation welfare, which is a hassle because I constantly have to talk to new counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists which triggers breakdowns. I hate talking about myself to strangers, I’m not ashamed at all, I just hate having to share how I truly feel with strangers. It makes it so real.",Stress +28853,But the days leading up to the test were the worst. I couldn't sleep 2 nights in a row and had to call in sick to work. I had a near panic attack and was unable to eat much as i felt like throwing up. Before the test my hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I was really not in a state to drive.,Stress +27889,I've been crying myself to sleep ever since I came back. I'm scared something terrible will happen to them and I can't stop feeling guilty about cutting contact with them for the past several months. My mind keeps replaying awful scenarios over and over again. I can't stop thinking about these terrible thoughts. :(,Stress +48600,Trying to learn new stuff and learning is really stressful I'm trying to learn blender and unity and Lua and it's really stressful when you can't figure something out. Any suggestion how to overcome it?,Stress +49341,"Stress and anxiety are no joke The tension I get is so bad. I can feel it in my neck and my head. Tension headaches like crazy. The tension makes me feel foggy and almost disassociated. I've started having migraines too. 39 years old without ever having them until this past year. Really need to get a grip on my stress because it's so awful trying to live life while feeling this way. I've tried meditation, stretches, heat therapy. It does help but I can't just address my stress when it surfaces. I have to figure out how to keep it under control during normal life so as to avoid getting to this point.",Stress +29980,"I feel like these experiences have totally altered my psyche and now i find gratification through exploitation. I even had the painful realization that ive never had any normal sexual relationship and these abuses are all i know. I broke down the other night just crying realizing that i dont get to be normal, and that i have sick urges. I heard that theres high rates of abused people become abusers too, and i hate that im part of the issue. Tl;Dr: I was abused and now i abuse, what can i do to cope?",Stress +27719,"Anytime I have a scheduled transaction towards my checking account, my wages are immediately garnished. However, last night was the real wake up call. After work, I came home drunk and let my stress get the best of me. I ended up getting in a fight with my gf about money, finances and utilities. Not wanting to face the pathetic reality that I have ""sugar momma"" for a girlfriend, I packed everything I own in my vehicle, parked it less than a mile away (incase I may have forgotten anything) and slept in it until the battery died.",Stress +48570,"Always feeling a pressure inside head I have this contant pressure like feeling in my brain. It's not exactly a headache but I always feel like my brain is not quite relaxed physically.It's like a weight over my head. I have tried meditation but ....it didn't really give me the desired output. I feel relieved only after my academic session is over or let's say I got really good grades/marks in my exams.i feel like the weight on my head got lifted. But it's not for long just a few days. When I start with my studies again I go into this state of mind where my head is constantly feeling heavy. It's being bothersome now as it effects my academics overall +How do I get out of this loop of heaviness and lightness in head? +Is this common? +Is it serious? +Any tips or advice or experience?",Stress +49447,"Why is life so expensive I make fucking $15 an hour. I live with my mom, her boyfriend, my older sister, her boyfriend, and their 3 kids. By the way, I'm a hospital janitor. I wipe up blood, piss, shit, other various body fluids for a living. Everyone at work has said give us a raise. They refuse every time. + +Guess who the only source of income is. + +What they don't understand is, on top of me paying rent and providing, I have my own shit to pay for, and being broke pretty much just means I'm gonna have to go in debt, god willing my upcoming paycheck is enough put me back in the positive... hell, I messed up my wrist like 5 months ago and got it looked at, all they said was ""yeah it'll be fine in time"" and I AM STILL GETTING BILLS FROM THEM. + +My family is always telling me to save up my money and get the fuck out. I couldn't agree more, I despise living with these people more than words can describe. But, if that was an option, I would have done it by now.",Stress +28778,I was also forced (with threat of prison time) to get asleep apnea test. Fastest response from the VA I’ve ever seen. Within 36 hours I was diagnosed and set up with a CPAP machine. Matches up with my ex-wife’s thoughts that I don’t sleep more than 30 min before coughing myself awake and throwing fists. Burn pits fucking suck.,Stress +28501,"I always sound like I’m about to cry. I get really hot and sweaty, my hearing starts to go. I had to stop in a presentation one time last semester to say “I’m sorry if I have pretty bad anxiety so if it looks like I’m about to pass out, please catch me” which was to keep it light and the class did laugh, but it was also a legitimate concern. Does anyone else experience this? Is this what social anxiety is?",Stress +29236,"no one can diagnose me with PTSD because it is not! i don''t know if this is a OCD thing? if i have a multitude of things on my mind or other milder worries i seem to be fine but when my brain is quiet and worry-less it seems i involuntary remind myself of the ''dissociative flashback'' which starts a cycle of psychological drowning and feelings of detachment as well as depressive feelings. this is all because of one thing in the past, my life would be 100x better if this was gone heck i would DO anything to get rid of this forever! meds have helped it occur less frequently but it is still the same severity.",Stress +48341,"I’m extremely overwhelmed and need help managing my stress I (31F) am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with work. The workload has drastically increased within the last 6months and I’m having a hard time keeping up with is causing a lot of stress and instability. I can’t sleep and don’t have energy for hardly anything outside of work. + +I’ve always had very demanding jobs but this is definitely one of the toughest times I’ve been in. On top of that, my personal life isn’t that swell either. + +I thought I’ve always managed my stress well because I’ve always lived a difficult life but I’m realizing that I’m not handling it well at all. I’m forming bad habits and it’s only effecting my overall productively and work ethics. + +Does anyone have any tips to the best way to handle high stress and feeling overwhelmed with too many tasks at hand? + +Any natural tips for sleep aids would be really helpful as well! + +I appreciate any and all support!",Stress +49398,"ny gf had a shitty life Mine hasn't been to much better but shell go into depressive states and I try my best to help, I don't know how much longer I can support her especially when I don't feel my best",Stress +27425,"Any help on how to stop ruminating? I work with some pretty toxic people and I can accept when people are ignorant and generally rude about my PTSD. I get it, some people are just really stupid and ignorant and won't understand how the assault affected me. But I spend WEEKS ruminating on all the things they've said, things they might say next... and the grounding techniques that my therapist suggests never stops it. How do you distract yourself from ruminating or arguing with people in your head?",Stress +49431,"Can stress cause things like this? +Only meds I've tried is low grade anxiety meds. And I'm unsure what bloods. My doc ran more thursday, said he'd call if anything was different. They tested for that one thing that starts with a T that checks for damage in the heart or recent HA's. +And during the echocardiogram my Hr was 130. She noted it was fast but then 2 weeks later I get a call. Holter didn't show anything super concerning and the echo was fine. I am under tons of anxiety and stress but whatever is going on has had me bed ridden with neck pain, dizziness, headaches and heart discomfort . The fast HR and pounding feeling for literally months essentially with no breaks. My entire life has been Halted because I can't do anything. I take a shower and my heart goes a million miles an hour and my blood pressure goes to the 140's over 90. Brain fog and dizziness. Tinnitus like crazy and this weird whooshing sound and pain from my neck . +It all started with going to the doctor bc I had Thunderclap headaches after orgasm, which lasted everytime for 2 weeks then just stopped. Then I started feeling worse and that stopped but all this started. I've had an echocardiogram, several EKGs from the ER visits, an MRI 3 months ago no contrast, a CT with contrast of my chest and neck last month, a CT with contrast of my head last week. Noone can find anything. Only suggestion my doc had Thursday was potentially ICP and he looked worri3d that's what it was and said if I get a headache go to the er. Which I did 2 days ago to which they didn't do bloodwork but they did a CT and Xray . Tested my eye movement . Then gave me a shot and sent me home. +I obviously need to continue to see my doctor and will. Just 4 months of this I'm trying to reach out for things to recommend to my doctor to test for and try because they're struggling hard. The only things I can even think of personally anymore is craniocervical instability, anxiety, and maybe clogged artery issues. With the ICP he thought, which is phesable I have 95 percent of the symptoms but the numerous head CTs and the MRI showing no pressure(doesn't rule it out) and the fact that it's been 4 months since it all began and I've not stroked out or anything makes it seem not entirely sure for me personally. But I'm not a doc, ill continue to do what they tell me, but man if I can I wanna try to nudge them the right way",Stress +49097,"Feeling Overwhelmed? It takes more to overwhelm some people than others, but the feeling and the impact are the same: overload and not knowing which way to turn next which triggers a downward spiral of anxiety. + +### Take these steps to create a plan and go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling peaceful again: + +**Identify what you can and can’t control.** List your issues in three columns: what you can control, what you can influence and what is out-with your control. + +**Focus on solutions.** Now that you have perspective on what you can and can’t control, identify your chosen end point for each issue. Shift your focus from the problems to the solutions. + +**Prioritise your actions.** Consider your chosen solutions in terms of how important they are and how urgent they are. Firstly, deal with the issues that are both important and urgent then move to the other important issues. As a general rule, deal with the important issues over the urgent issues: here-in lies the path to living sustainably crisis free. + +**Communicate.** With your plan in place, communicate with those who may be affected: it’s incredible how supportive people can be once they understand your situation. + +**Eat well.** Overwhelm commonly leads to skipping meals or over-reliance on junk food. Buy in some healthy foods and snacks to give you the nutrition you’ll need to play your best game. + +**Gratitude.** It is easy to lose sight of the good things happening when we feel overwhelmed. Adopt the habit of regularly reflecting on the things you’re grateful for: that you’re taking control of challenging situations, that you’re on your way to calmer times, that you’re learning a lot about yourself, perhaps that others are supporting you. + +**Blow off some steam.** Exercise – whatever works best for you: a brisk walk, hit the weights, an hour on the bike – has a magical ability to burn off that anxiety and re-set all those neurotransmitters. It will also help you get that good night’s sleep. + +**Get your rest.** Know that you’re focusing on your priorities with a clear plan. You’re pushing yourself hard through the day. A good night’s sleep is the smartest thing you can give yourself to keep working through your list. + +**Celebrate your successes.** Each step forward is worthy of celebration. Be proud of yourself for taking control and moving forward. Each success leads to further steps forward. + + + +**Overwhelm is a situation everyone is familiar with. Short term episodes are unlikely to harm us. Longer term however, it can be debilitating. Remember there is help out there for those times you need support in getting back on top of things.**",Stress +48431,Help w Project I'm Working on To Help People Alleviate Stress and Pain: Your Feelings & Viewpoint I'm working on a project and would really appreciate your input. If you can help please link to short survey. 5 or so questions here: [Survey](https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/iac7KpqbNRKw8AHExtjc),Stress +28490,"This past week he's gotten really bad where he told her she couldn't use the house phone, her cell phone, the computer, the car, or even watch tv. He even stopped eating food that my mom makes and starting making his own for himself. Yesterday I atleast bought my mom a new cell phone and added her to my plan. He hasn't improved in the past week whatsoever. This was the last straw for me and I want to move out in the next 2 months and ask her to live with me temporarily.",Stress +29166,I’ve quit weed. I’ve started having nightmares again. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (finally) and am working very little to try to get through this all. Now I’ve gone no contact with my dad and Tim as well. Dad never really respected this (as he never agrees with my views about what I need) Sent an email to Tim last November informing him that I can’t be around him anymore.,Stress +48716,"Really stressed vs. under performance So I wanted to get a better grasp on this concept because there are times when I am stressed yet still maintaining a fairly healthy mindset. There are other times I *feel* less stressed out but I am not healthy and my mentality is worn down. How do you keep a clear distinction between the two when there is so much stimulation, distractions and stressors in life? I want to have a clear understanding of myself and how I function for longevity reasons. Thank you for taking the time to read my submission!",Stress +48305,"Stress & Motivation Can someone provide me with any tips on how to get yourself motivated (to workout, to do your work, to clean at home more often etc). I feel like stress is really demotivating for me, and I am looking to turn this cycle of stress and demotivation around.",Stress +49087,"Things are about to be bad I’m 22 and graduating college soon. My fiancé is somewhat physically disabled and I will be supporting her financially upon graduation. NGL, she’s an emotional wreck right now with chronic insomnia, attachment anxiety, severe severe mood swings, anger issues, general anxiety, body dysmorphia, and depression just off the top of my head right now. I love her to death but it’s hard to be with her. Despite this, We are both very happy in our relationship. She makes me very happy and I love spending time with her. I’ve been cooking and cleaning for the both of us every day and doing my college work. It’s ok now, but in few months I’m starting my job in finance, and although the compensation is fantastic, i will likely work ~60-70 hours a week which is already considered low for my field. I need to work this job for my career objectives but also to provide for my fiancé financially, pay her medical bills, and have enough left over to live comfortably. + +I stress over not being home enough to support my fiancé emotionally. Her depressive episodes are severe as it is. Will she sink into further depression and isolation because I’ll be at work? What happens when I get home at on my 70 hour work weeks and I don’t have the energy to calm her anxiety at night? + +I stress over not being able to work the grueling hours needed to succeed in my position. If I do not, I can’t make our rent, pay her medical bills, buy food for us, and be a provider. + +I can’t actually tell her any of this either, it will absolutely devastate her to know that she is causing me so much mental stress. I know it will worsen her anxiety too. Maybe I will when she is in better mental health. + + +I’m not a picture of mental health either. I was an alcoholic at 14 and a smoker at 15. I was bullied and rejected up till I came to college and got my shit together somewhat. Luckily that’s behind me now…What if I’m to weak to function well in my job? Then I’ll get fired, we’ll get evicted, my fiancé will suffer greatly, and I’ll be jobless. + +I’ve got 3 more months of purgatory before I’m off to whatever circle of the inferno the rest of Wall Street is burning in… + +I feel like I’m having the crisis of a 30 year old at 22…",Stress +29318,"There is so much I can't do because I don't drive and it has impacted my life in such a way that it feels like I am in my own personal prison. I have been to therapy but it doesn't seem to work. So I am asking, have any of you overcome this situation? How did you do it? Any advice?",Stress +27776,"I'm too unstable. Telling parents is not an option. I'm not going to give the easy redemption for them. All this is still suspicion. I know I'm no professional, but I'm telling you, I'll get help.",Stress +49334,"High RHR due to Stress Over the past month or so things in my life have gotten crazy - in so many facets. + +My grandma got diagnosed w cancer, my mom is having sudden alarming blood pressure issues, I'm in my last semester of college, working 30 hours per week, I just got a job offer for after graduation, rent is increasing, and more - all within this month. + +My average resting heart rate has increased almost 20 bpm. My usual RHR is around 60-65 and for the past week or so it's been sitting around 80-85. Yesterday in particular my heart rate got all the way up to 180 while walking to class (what would normally only bring it to around 120-130 or so). I just don't know what to do to get my stress levels down, and in return, my RHR.",Stress +28429,I get home and go to bed and then struggle getting up in the morning. I’m trying so hard but I feel like I just can’t get it right. I feel stupid for literally everything I’ve done in life so far and the way I’ve gone about things. I’m terrified that letting this out will ruin me. I try so hard to pretend everything is ok and I just can’t anymore.,Stress +49225,"Stress Survey Hey everyone! I am conducting some research on stress levels among college students. I'm a student myself and this is my first time conducting a study myself so I'm really sorry if my survey isn't the best. I would really appriciate if people would take my survey on stress! Everything is anonymous, I just need as much data as possible to help move my study along. If everyone is interested, I can post my results here when the study is done. + + +[https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7](https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7)",Stress +29699,"I used to live with my fiance and her family. Her father is a massive, abusive brute. Kate has medical issues that cause seizures, and whenever she would have one, her father would stand over her, waiting for her to finish so he could berate her for it. He treated her like a seizure was a behavioral issue that just needed enough punishment to solve. Her whole family was pretty bad, honestly.",Stress +48673,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaAAAAAAAAAA FIDBWJSKLA oaak$]*÷akkaaAAAAAAAAA DO¥●EOODSNAPOW●¥•》OEKFPA8489492DNKS×[;,Stress +28597,"I have been having anxiety sense I was 16, I'm now 20. This 4 years have been difficult, lots of ups and downs, on and off medication and therapy (never really had more then just 3 appointments with the same professional ever). Then it came university and I had to move away from my family which didn't helped a lot. I had the last 6 months without anxiety but in April everything changed. I have been having anxiety attacks almost everyday, then it came the intrusive thoughts.",Stress +49324,,Stress +48523,This one really helped me out Quick fixes I've used - really helpful [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI),Stress +48456,"we're all a work in progress One of the most satisfying things about being a therapist is watching clients build their lives on their terms by applying the content and capabilities they're learning and developing. + +Just recently, I wrote a comprehensive case study giving a fly on the wall account of what it is really like to work with a modern, third generation hypnotherapist. + +[http://permahypnotherapy-25599865.hubspotpagebuilder.eu/break-free-0-0](http://permahypnotherapy-25599865.hubspotpagebuilder.eu/break-free-0-0) + +It's packed full of insight, hints, tips and, for now, it is free to download.",Stress +27809,"The thought of helping people, curing diseases and caring for someone makes me happy. Imagine a person who’s an asshole but need help on health, I would help him/her. However, I need to finance med but I need to work on my current stature to get the money but this job makes me anxious to the point that I am having refluxes because of stress just the thought of working on it. The problem with me is I know I can do for the meantime this job but it was a mistaken path, I could have done dev since it involves little customer interaction. I felt helpless because I need the money but feels like I am fooling myself to work my ass up for something that is not my passion.",Stress +29432,"He purposely said the most hurtful things to me during our break up to make himself feel better. And one of the worst things of all, like I mentioned earlier, he sexually assaulted and that also happened when he knew we were breaking up. Knowing how terrible of a person he is that some people have even told me he is a narcissist or sociopath, I don't know why I still think I should have just stayed, why I should have just seen if he could change despite how he never tried to change throughout our years together. I just want to stop myself from thinking this way and fully move on and have myself realize I am so much better off, and I even try to remind myself of all the bad things he has done but it seems that lingering thought of, ""Well, was it ever that bad?"" keeps returning.",Stress +29644,"We're running out of things like dog food,toilet paper, feminine products and whatnot. Workers comp didn't send me my check this month, so I'm not able to afford the things we need and that is why I'm asking assistance. If anyone could help me with a small loan of $50 , we'd greatly appreciate it. I'm not sure when I could pay you back fully, but I could pay something back each month if that's okay. Thank you for your time!",Stress +28136,"But, for now, and until I'm on the proper road to recovery, I just feel no need to have sex and it worries me more than anything. He says sex is natural and in-the-moment, but I find myself having to plan everything down to what to say and do in advance. Sex just doesn't come naturally to me. This has been posing a major threat to my sexual identity, and I fear if I initiate tomorrow I'll just burst into tears in the middle of it all. I'm so, so scared.",Stress +29618,"Back ground, me and my girl have been homeless independently for about a year and we've been together for six months now. We lived in Olympia Washington for a while and where trying to make it and eventually move out of the toxic town. I received about 3.5k$ worth of back pay EFC payments the state owed me and shortly after my girl's grandmother died and she wanted to make it to the funeral so we decided to make a road trip of it, get jobs in florida and be set. We figured the lower cost of living would offset the vastly lower minimum wage and we'd be fine. We both got jobs at her old workplace (Wendy's, never go to the Lakeland Highlands Wendy's so many healthcode violations btw) and worked for two months and got fired for bs reasons (I got trained wrong and wasn't told about 60% of my responsibilities by a guy who was on his phone 75% of the time and quit a week later, she overslept and no call no showed one day and got immediately taken off the schedule)",Stress +27685,"I have had mobility issues since I was twenty three following a difficult pregnancy that triggered inflammatory arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome. Over the years I've had a few falls due to being very unsteady on my feet at the best of times, which have added to my mobility issues. My right ankle and calf are permanently injured, I have achilles tendonitis, plantar faciitis and the muscle in my calf has tightened so much due to the shortening of my tendons that my foot points instead of sitting normally. I have osteoarthritis in my right hip, which slips in the socket and causes a lot of pain, and this has all had an ongoing impact on the rest of my body as my back often spasms or locks and I have issues with a frozen shoulder that limits the use of my right arm. On top of all of this, I have kidney, liver and bladder problems.",Stress +28299,"I gathered my composure, went back and sulked until I was asked if I could put something in my eye sight to block it out. I got a little excited, found a huge box and was able to move on with my day.. until about 3 when the owner came over, moved it, and then asked me if I was keeping it for anything. I mentioned I was blocking the signs, she asked why and I said, well, I feel they are kind of negative... And then she told me ""They aren't negative, they are funny, and since you don't think so you should think on if you even want to work here"", walks away and proceeds to tell my boss it isn't working out with me........ all because I expressed that I felt the signs were negative. Stupid me for thinking dozens and dozens of instant in your face surprise red circles could ever equate to negativity. I guess I have a new trigger.",Stress +27455,He keeps going back to her. He even cleans up the messes she makes when she smashes his stuff. He has dropped all of his dreams because she doesn't approve of them. Sorry for the long post but it sucks hearing that he is in this situation and we just want our friend back so he can recover from this. He used to be the funniest and happiest guy around and now he is just broken.,Stress +27535,"EVERY TIME I say, ""I've got a job!"" she gives me some kind of bullshit reason the place is not a good idea. She threatened to boot me back out on the street for ""not taking her word for it"" when I explain I need the job anyway. BTW her girlfriend owns the house. They've lived here together for 2 years and she has been making up bullshit reasons she can't work the whole time.",Stress +48474,"Investigating the effects of early life experiences on stress related factors in adulthood Are you between the ages of 18-45 years old and want to participate in psychological research? + +I would like to invite you to take part in a multi-part research study investigating the effects of past life experiences on stress related factors; such as daily stress, ability to regulate emotions and sleep. To understand these relationships in the context of other important social, and psychological, factors such as social support and suicide behaviour history. To research this, we will ask you to complete a series of surveys across one week. This includes one initial 15 minute survey and then two 2 minute surveys per day for a 7 day period. Participants will have the chance to win Flexi eGift cards. + +If you would like to take part please click the link below: + +[https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK\_yhi77MRJc04](https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK_yhi77MRJc04) + +\*\*\*PLEASE ensure at the end of the survey that you submit your telephone number as you will not be able to proceed with the study. + +All research has been assessed and approved by the University of Leeds School of Psychology Ethics Committee. Reference number: PSYC-692, Date of approval: 07/12/2022.",Stress +48359,Life is stressing I’m about to turn 17 and I just got my license I put a job application in for a grocery store because I knew I needed money for gas and car insurance but what I wasn’t expecting was the fact I’m not gonna be able to afford gas money if I pay for insurance so now I have to find a high end paying job just to get by I’m so stressed and scared and I didn’t realize life was this unforgiving I knew I would need to pay for bills and taxes and all this but minimum wage is just not enough you can’t survive off that I can’t even work for 10$ an hour and survive so now I’m waiting on a call from my father to try and get a landscaping job that should pay way more but I’m still gonna barely have anything I thought growing up was freedom and it was supposed make you feel happy but I feel nothing but regret sadness and fear I hope it gets better I’m only 17 and I feel like I’m 80 a tip to those who are younger who might see this SAVE.YOUR.MONEY all of it,Stress +29736,"So im m15 im still in school ive been through abuse when i was a kid it scarred my head i live with my mum now but i usually roam in woods playing guitar, i got diagnosed when i was 14 shit sucks gives me flashbacks whenever i close my eyes, my mind scans every goddamn thing in the area every fucking thing!, i just dont know how to explain its so complicated my brain acts weird at times i just need to know wtf is happening with me! ive only got a gf and noone else. any help is appropriated. thanks in advance",Stress +49351,"Small Survey on mobile games and stress Hi everyone! I am doing a small research survey (2 minutes) on how some mobile games can cause us to be a little too stressed - specifically looking for female players ages 25-55 from North America like myself. If you identify as a female, I would REALLY appreciate it so much if you can answer a few quick survey questions (it is completely anonymous) [https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17](https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17?fbclid=IwAR2m2DbjLP3-MrUYY9t7I2ghUN6077y-fMFOOELnW7mA8ctvNhV1Xuu62l0)",Stress +28806,"He said that I should have ptsd because the reason I was wrestling my dad for the gun is because Im a sick bastard who wanted to kill him and the rest of my family. I don't know why I made this post. I don't know if I even really got out what I wanted to say. I just feel so alone. Its been almost a year since that day but even today , my family some how twisted my actions into thinking im some sort of failed murderer",Stress +49328,"Can anybody relate to skin picking? I have this nasty habbit for 9 years... Picking my face, back. Of course I undeestad that it is bad, but still doing this ""routine"".And it has its consequences: the scars, red spots, even more agressive psoriasis... + I had some success stories of not picking, but lasted 1 month maximum. +I believe that it is like addiction.",Stress +27524,"I apologized for taking up too much of his time and space and for not respecting his boundaries, and for storming off angry; the worst part is that he eventually said he didn't accept my apology because I was still ruining his day with my insistence he apologize for speaking to me with a ""retarded"" voice. So, is our relationship doomed? --- **tl;dr**: My bf and I fight too much, and I think it's both our faults while he thinks it's only mine/my brain chemistry's fault. Am I crazy, or do we need to break up?",Stress +30093,"I desperately miss my childhood and I wish I could have it back. After being molested, I feel that it was cut short. I'm afraid of getting older, and getting to the age where l have less time left than I've already lived. I think about it every day and it consumes me entirely. I'm obsessed with extending my lifespan on one end, and just killing myself on the other",Stress +27538,"I am currently only using 5-htp once a week, i get no benefit when i use it daily. I have also been working out which has inevitably eased my depression and made my anxiety more tolerable but its still obviously taking hold of my life. Well here i am at this present moment, I have been contemplating having a sit down with my parents and telling them about my depression (pretty sure they already know, they just don't want to adress it). It had been hard, my parents come home at 9:00 PM and don't want to be bothered with me. they go straight to their rooms and the only time they are willing to talk is when they tell me to clean.",Stress +49173,"Chronic stress help I really wish anyone can help me or i just wanna know if anyone is experiencing the same things i am because i havent found anyone who has. Im getting headaches/migraines every single day. Its been around 2 months now, this isnt the first time this has happened to me it happened 2 years ago same thing. I had migraines every single day non stop for like a year straight, to the point where i couldnt even eat and developed photophobia and couldtn even turn on my room lights or anything. So it eventually went away after a couple months but im back in here again. Doctors tell me that its stress/anxiety but it just doesnt make sense to me as to why it gets this bad to the point where i cant even get up from my bed or be awake for long hours before feeling pain, no one gets it this bad for this long, 7+ months NON Stop??? So it started around November with panic attacks and anxiety, usually something triggers my anxiety and i can control it, but no not this time it happens even when im happy out of nowhere i just feel bad all the time and super weak, then it progressed to me feeling okay in the morning and bad at night, i always knew id feel bad at night so i would do my daily duties during the day. Then it progressed even more to where i started getting my migraines/headaches every day and the light started triggering them. And now end of march im back in my room again lights off, headaches everyday, cant go out cant do anything, i can barely even be on my phone, lights all the way down and blue light off. I did notice though that it starts in my neck and shoulders and where my arms start on my back. I massage myself everyday, i try to take medications but they all give me extreme side effects even tylenol. I know itll be a few months before i get better, but i wish i knew more people that have gone thru this, i even tried magnesium gummies and got side effects from those as well. Ive been doing so well with my anxiety and i try to feel okay and get distracted but the pain never ever ever goes away just gets worse and calms down, please someone help!",Stress +48585,"Do you ever feel like anxiety and depression are a never-ending battle that you can't seem to win? Here are some ways to treat anxiety and depression! + +[https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression](https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression)",Stress +49206,"Stress connected to a new job position. I've recently started a new job position at my current company and have a serious case of imposter syndrome. This position comes with a host of new responsibilities, and I feel as though I'm not performing as well as I should be and I keep making mistakes, I am still in training however I can't help but feel like I'm underperforming and it is mainly to do with stress, I'm stressed out and overwhelmed so I make mistakes and then stress about those same mistakes and it has become this vicious circle. I also haven't been sleeping. It is the only thing I can think about and it's destroying my confidence. I've been having multiple panic attacks sometimes multiple times a day during my breaks and when I am alone at home and have very recently started therapy to try and deal with this however I feel like it's just eating me alive. Has anybody experienced anything similar and perhaps give me a bit of perspective? Or advice on how you have dealt with this kind of stress? Sorry if this is the wrong kind of post for this sub. TIA.",Stress +30150,We went home the next day. And now i fcking dont know what to do. My heart rate feels like it’s shaking the whole bed. Im dying. TLDR i got friendzoned at the beach and I cant take it like a man,Stress +29848,"It’s almost a 50/50 mindset, because on one hand she wouldn’t ever wish to be thought of or treated in a horrid way, I have corrected it best I can, and she is the kind of person to forgive and forget. It’s hard. It’s real hard to decide what to do. So that’s why I’m here today people of Reddit. I realize this isn’t the most pressing, serious, or dramatic post on here, but I stick my hand out in the hopes you can give me some guidance, some past experience, wisdom, or advice on what I can do or try so that the “here and now” are in question, and not “then and there”, so that my confession can go along without regret.",Stress +49033,"Weird stress symptom I just noticed I have. So... a couple of weeks ago I had to move 36 items, each weighing about 25ish lbs. So... when I realized my upper abs were sore a few days later. I ASSUMED it was that. Until yesterday, when I realized that I'm pretty sure it's from stress. It's hard to describe... but its the area when you bear down/push. But i realized I randomly contact that area and hold the muscles tense. Now my upper abs are very sore. So yeah.... the random things that stress does to ya!",Stress +29503,"Today was a horrible day from the get go and I had to call out because I cant function with other people (I work in retail) today so I claimed I had a fever. Of course it had to be memorial day weekend making it one of the worst times for this and they even of course said over the phone ""Well, this really puts us in a bind"". Now I'm absolutely paranoid that they'll find out or they hate me now or I'll get fired for this. I'm so paranoid I'm worried they'll see me or come to my house to check on me even though I know they would never do that. I just wish someone could understand or sympathize/empathize with me for once.",Stress +49098,"Looking for advice for stomach pain from stress TL/DR: I recently transitioned off anti-depressants and have started to get stomach pain again. + +After 17 years on anti-depressants, I finally transitioned off them. Buspirone and bupropion were a godsend, but I completely went numb. I couldn’t experience emotions at all. So I decided to see what life was like in the normal world again. I have historically carried my stress in my stomach. My brain doesn’t know I’m stressed, but my stomach will hurt like crazy. What techniques should I explore that can help me de-stress and relax so my stomach doesn’t ache? I work in a high stress job (corporate M&A) that I absolutely love, but it really piles on the stress. Any recommendations would be really appreciated. Thank you!",Stress +49023,Stress I’m so stressed right now that my heart is racing I’m laying down I just want to rest and sleep I only slept 4 hours last night but this heart racing won’t let me I’m just so stressed I don’t know what to do not sure how to calm down I’m breathing fine I want to play videogames to get my mind off things and stress down but im just too exhausted,Stress +28811,"I constantly face so much anxiety in school. It makes me extremely depressed, and it’s just hard to cope with. I don’t know if anxiety/depression have anything to do with memory performance, but I’ve noticed that I remember a lot less compared to when I wasn’t in a depressed and anxious state. For hours on end I contemplate and procrastinate everyday about my depressing life. It’s just sad.",Stress +29929,"Having expected that, I told myself at the time that it doesn't bother me much and I'll go back to handling it all by myself as I've been doing for years, but it's been nagging at me for most of the day now. I keep doubting whether I really am wallowing in it. My trauma occured five years ago, and it doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as it used to (thanks to some tricks I learned on here and through my own research), and I believe I've been handling it all okay. I do my level best not to dwell on it, I've accepted it's in the past and will never happen again...except that doesn't stop the flashbacks and nightmares. I wasn't directly involved in my traumatic events, I only saw and heard them.",Stress +28694,"I need to borrow $60, I was in the hospital earlier this week and missed a shift so I'm going to be short my next check, and I'm already down to only $20. I can pay back $85 by december 14th ​ I've paid back $100 in here before, and I've also posted to /r/borrow already. If you can help I'd really appreciate it, I can provide documentation of being in the hospital and my job",Stress +48288,"Free Covid-19 Anxiety e-Workbook. Please, take care of yourselves and of each other. See text for link. The book is available [Here](https://thewellnesssociety.org/free-coronavirus-anxiety-workbook/) from The Wellness Society. Everyone right now needs a little extra help and hopefully, this e-book can assist some of you in uncovering the toolset you need during this abnormal time, or at least it might help with bridging the gap between now and when you may be able to seek more professional assistance. Obviously, it's not a solution to all problems, and some of you are going to be going through a lot more than others, but I hope many of you can find it useful. +Stay safe, stay healthy.",Stress +48684,"Nose Clogged? dried out? Does anyone get this with stress/anxiety? I have never had allergies before, usually on the morning I am good. But after lunch at work, one side of my nose get clogged and it makes it hard to breathe and my anxiety doesn't help. Do you have tips or things I can do to relive this? This is like my number reason my anxiety shoots up + +Any tips would be helpful",Stress +28045,"I just got a new job and I won't get paid until the 18th. I've only been unemployed for a week now, the company I worked for closed and after bills I have no money. I was already trying to get on my feet from being let go from my long-term job in October. If you could help me I will contribute to this sub when I can, pay you back, reciprocate in any way that I can. I don't have family that I can ask for help (both parents are deceased, no siblings, not close with Aunts and Uncles).",Stress +48335,"I'm in a toxic relationship! It pains me to admit it but I am in a toxic relationship. A relationship with no trust and confidence, no God, constant bickering, and growing violence. We both bring out the worst in each other. What should I do? We have plans tho, and we're working on them. We're just too proud and too dominant against one another. + +I just hate this situation we're in.",Stress +29681,"Is it more than that? I have been considering finally confessing my secret because it feels like I am choking on it. I repress it as much as I can, but when it bubbles to the surface, it effects everything in my life. Thank you for listening/reading. I need help and I need to find the right way to deal and approach this.",Stress +49112,"Feeling guilty for wanting to take sick leave So I've worked for my current employer since April 2015. I've took approx 4 days off in that period. + +I've received 6 separate promotions/changes to title over that period and managed various departments and big projects for the business. + +Throughout the pandemic, I was fortunately one of those that were not adversely affected and in fact the demand increased exponentially. During the pandemic I was promoted again and risked my physical health for the sake of our business delivering on KPI's. + +3 weeks ago, my dog died. Last week, I moved into my first mortgaged home. It just feels like so much is happening but I don't really know what to do? + +I've asked for a double demotion back to an operational role to relieve my workload and to allow myself time to mentally recover and hopefully over time I'll be ready to head back into a management role again, however I don't think my employer are rushing in anyway to find a replacement for me. + +Should I be loyal to them and keep being miserable until the organisation structure can be sorted out, or should I be putting myself first and taking time away for them to fix it in my absence?",Stress +49342,UPDATE If you haven’t seen my previous post then I suggest you go look at it but I broke up with my girlfriend today and it felt like a whole mountain of stress and anxiety fell off my shoulders 😌😌,Stress +49040,"thoughts on overwhelming stress I am sure many of us are caught in chaos right now. I defenitely am. For me stress went so far that my body shut down completely. Now it feels like someone who is swimming, then cought in a storm, and here and there grsaps for air before being pulled under the waves again. + +But boy, if we just could stay longer above the waves. Inmidst that chaos there is still beauty in the sky, the stars, clouds and colors. I am sure that any one of us will be able to float for a minute in the future and enjoy the view. The chaos will likely still be there, but its not too big. Its just, yeah natural chaos itself. + +Chaos can be hard... who do i lie to.. it is fu*ckn hard. It is hell. But eventually, if we just listen to our bodies enough, everyone will get a level of calmness that wasnt there before. I truly believe that. + +I ran away too often. Too often i didn't want to feel that huge burning pile of hell. Everyday again i have to remind myself that looking at it will be better for me in the long term... which is of course even more stressful in the beginning. But i think - the only way to 'heal'. + +I want to wish everyone out there a few seconds of calmness and soothing thoughts. That everyone will eventually be able to just float in the water look up in the sky and enjoy looking. Not worrying about getting enough air and fighting for ones life... We ve done that enough. + +Maybe i am a bit romantic right now, but the metaphor i just pictured helped me to relax a bit and maybe it helps you aswell.",Stress +49325,"Is crying when stressed a female thing? When I’m super stressed and I don’t know where my life is headed, work sucks, am unhappy with my looks, have no prospects, etc, I cry. + +I was wondering if other women do this too? Do guys do this? Or is it a female thing because of our hormones maybe?",Stress +49012,"Please check out my website which helps you meditate. Meditation is a proven way to reduce stress and anxiety, and I have made a free web app that will help you meditate. Please give it a try. + +link: [https://anmolgairola.github.io/breath/](https://anmolgairola.github.io/breath/)",Stress +48521,Hollow Really feeling dead inside.,Stress +48605,"Math grade Just got my heavy assessment back today, got an F on it. I studied real hard for math, but I still failed. I really feel like I’m a moron, and I just checked my grade, it went from B to D+. Sometimes I wonder if my dream about the future is realistic or not. I feel like I have no motivation to be productive again. I really don’t want to fail my parents and my dreams, but my grades just stress me out so much. I need a good grade for this semester or idk where I will end up in in the future. Any advice on how I should get myself together again?",Stress +49167,"Nature Sounds For Sleep, Relax, Focus, Work, Read, Heal, Stress Relief This video is to help anyone who is having trouble with distractions while trying to alleviate stress for sleep. Rain has always been a great remedy for both. + +\*5 mins\* + +[https://youtu.be/uYVk5gETwiI](https://youtu.be/uYVk5gETwiI)",Stress +48403,"Sense of fear Have you ever felt a sense of fear that seemed to take over your body and mind, leaving you feeling helpless? Fear can be a paralyzing emotion, preventing us from moving forward in life. But what if there was something you could do about it? What if there were ways to get rid of the sense of fear? + +In this article, we will explore practical tips and techniques for overcoming feelings of fear. Whether your fear is rooted in an event or situation from the past or stems from current worries and anxieties, these strategies may help you ease your fears so that they don’t control your life. + +We’ll discuss how to identify triggers, use self-talk to reframe thoughts, practice relaxation methods such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, reach out for support when needed, and more. So let’s dive into learning how to manage fear and gain peace of mind: + +[https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/](https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/)",Stress +27772,"My ex sent me a video of a switchblade, I asked him why he had that and he said “cutting people up” and then he said “it’s an Italian style switch blade”.. I’m Italian... Anyways, he’s put a loaded gun to my head in the past. I’m actually pretty terrified of him now. He also once brought explosives to my brothers house and claimed he “forgot they were there”.. none of my family or our friends growing up believed me when I told them about him. Which is why I can’t talk to anyone.",Stress +48349,"Venting Sorry if this isn't appropriate for here, but the stress is killing me. I'm 24 and I feel like I've got the stress of a 45 year old going through a midlife crisis! + +Three weeks ago, I started up a new job with security, I got one 6 hour shift, and three 12 hour shifts. Honestly, I love this job despite the hours, and I can handle it. + +But, this past week? Everything feels like it fell apart. My sister popped over with her husband on a surprise visit ( haven't seen her in 14 years ) so it should've been exciting, but all it did was bring trouble to our already fragile household. She instigated drama with my father and everyone else, then her boyfriend was just causing problems with zero consequences. Then, two days later, my Uncle shows up and it's all great.. up until he hits me with news tonight that he's got cancer and he's trying to enjoy himself since he's scared of worse case scenario. All of this on top of family dilemmas with my father, seeing it affect my grandmother? ALL tied together with the very awkward sleep I get, I can just feel my mental health regressing back to incredibly old, toxic, unhealthy ways. I wanna smoke weed to ignore the stress and call off work, but I know doing all that will ruin any progress I've ever made. + +Oh, I'm also having allergies worse than ever so my nose is constantly dried up, in pain, slightly bleeding and my eyes itch like hell. I know I'm just yapping at this point, but good lord, it feels like way too much to stomach in such a short amount of time. + +Again, if this isn't the place, I apologize. Just looking for others in a similar mess, maybe I'm looking for some words of reassurance. Don't know, but thank you to anyone who fully reads this rambling",Stress +28685,"During my break at work today, a little over two hours ago, I was enjoying a cup of grape juice. At one moment I started drinking it too fast, and choked and coughed for a few moments. Then i was constantly burping and had the taste of grape juice in my mouth for the next hour after that. Lol. But thanks to my anxiety, I have managed to convince myself juice got in my lungs and I'm gonna get ""Dry/Secondary Drowning""...",Stress +27730,"I spent six years in a very abusive relationship. We had a child together. After she was born, I made my way out. I ended up fleeing several houses and apartments trying to stay away from him. There’s been a long history.",Stress +29333,"I don't know whether to call the crisis team see if theyll stay on the phone as i leave to distract myself. Im determind not to be as agoraphobic as i was i will not be stuck inside trapped by myself. Yet here i am frozen in bed scared to leave in case it means i even start getting ready to go towards to front door. I know i should eat, but the anxiety part of me keeps trying to convince me i dont need to eat i'll be ok if i just stay inside safe.",Stress +29584,"I thought we had an open door, honestly policy about our hook ups, but last week found out he'd made out with a few people during our relationship that I didn't know about. I got hit by a wave of how incompatible we are and tried to break up with him but I realised I was being a hypocrite and letting my insecurities control me and I mended things. ANYWAY, onto the issue. I had a pretty scary time with a friend of mine last night. He invited me around for a few beers, and maybe two drinks in he asked if I'd be down to have sex.",Stress +49340,,Stress +49393,"I just- Paid for a “massage” so id stop feeling so lonely. It actually helped a bit. We had a moment where we were just relaxing. It was the best part of it. + +Crazy how in a world full of billions of people you can feel so alone. I find that to be ludicrous. Don’t you? + +Something is seriously wrong in the world.",Stress +29674,"We had an argument, then he started trying to break my phone by bending it. I intervened and begged him not to and he stopped short of breaking it. I was a domestic violence victim before in a previous relationship and I buried those memories, but this incident made me remember some of those memories and I feel traumatized and scared to be experiencing the same things again. I feel scared and I don't know if this would escalate into something worse. We don't have kids, and we've been married for a couple months.",Stress +29549,"My version of events wasn't believed due to ten other witnesses denying it and I was expelled immediately. I got home and unexpectedly my bags were already packed. My sister-in-law walked up to me, gave me an insincere hug, and said ""Your actions have consequences. You're going to Portland two weeks early."" I asked if I could say goodbye to my nieces and nephews and friends and she said ""no.""",Stress +27733,"Do I live in this cycle forever? Is there really no chance for me? I can't even begin to explain how my sibling got out, it was pure luck and they are heavily dependent on an S/O. I feel like I'm grabbing at straws. I've done this song and dance a million times.",Stress +48932,"I have created a non stop self fueling ball of stress that just got exponentially worse. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm currently unemployed looking for work and waiting on benefits to get approved. Today my phone got cut off. I can no longer be contacted by employers. I can no longer check EI due to multifactor authentication. I can no longer call EI nor my MP. + +I will be talking to a realtor today to sell my house. This will mean I will be paying 4x the mortgage in rent. I am a ball of stress and have puked 3 times already this morning. + +I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm twitching. I don't know what to do. I don't even have life insurance to help my family with. I'm literally on my last nerve, leg, toe whatever. + +I've been doing deep breathing, whatever meditation I can and any stretches I can. I'm no use to my kids, my wife, my family or myself like this. + +Fuck I don't even know if this is the right subreddit to vent.Thanks for reading.",Stress +29643,"I want her to tell me that she loves me, that she would only want to be with me. I just want her, and I'm even willing to give her another chance even though I know I shouldn't. I can't move on, everyday I think about her and the good times we spent together. So Reddit, help me, I need to know how I can move on from her. TL;DR : My wife cheated on me and I don't know how to get over her",Stress +29974,I am a stay at home mother of 3. My oldest is my husband's as his mum gsve up on him 5 years ago. My youngest was born with a congenital condition and my middle has ASD. I live to look after them and they are what keep me grounded. Just for some reason recently I have been struggling more and more to just suck it up and carry on.,Stress +28376,"I have some tainted memories with my dad and have doubts about my grandpa. Anyway I don't control when some of these memories and questions pop up. I feel really bad about myself when it happens, sometimes I cry and other times I just have rage. I don't feel like I can talk about it with anyone. I could really use some advice on how to deal with these memories and emotions when they take over, or if any of you have found ways to stop memories from popping up?",Stress +48590,"Why am I so stressed about my future? I’m 17 years old and lately I feel stressed about my future/career and I don’t know which path should i choose. I’m in 11th grade and I have one more year to choose what should I do to not confuse myself in the future and to go to the college that I want, because if I don’t choose at the right time, I will not know in what college should I go. All of my friends have some idea what they will do with their future and I just sit there and only think about my future. And I don’t know if I’m going to be happy in the future with the choice I will make.",Stress +28406,"I'm upset, and the fact that I don't know whether I should be upset is making me more upset. I realize there's something crazy privileged about the whole thing (parents want me to spend more money? i should xpost to r/firstworldproblems!) If this really is an absurd thing to worry about, sorry for making you read through this thesis but please do let me know because I'm just really confused and sad. TL;DR: Mom accuses me of not valuing the benefit of earning money because I don't like to spend it, though getting a good job is pretty much all i've been focusing on.",Stress +48915,"I think I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I've never had one before. Thoughts, and suggestions greatly appreciated. This is going to be super long, but I would really appreciate someone out there taking the time to read it... + +I've been working a relatively stressful job for the last four years. The stress was manageable until about a year ago when I was given the responsibility of managing a global team of systems administrators in the US, Hungary and India that all work to give 24/7 coverage to my company. I can't go into specifics of our work, but I can say that we are an extremely important team. There are a lot of reasons behind why I have become increasingly stressed out, the main one being that I have personally been the only point of failure for the whole thing for almost the entire year. I can't take a day off, or sometimes even an hour off without someone from like 14 time zones away trying to escalate something to me, or my boss of they can't reach me directly. Before this past week, I had taken one scheduled day off, and I still got a call from my boss asking to get people online for an outage. + +Let me say, my boss is amazing. She is the best example of leadership I've ever had in any job, and I've worked IT for like 25 years. She just has a very demanding job role also, and I am in a spot where I'm kind of working 4-5 different full time job roles, and one of those job roles requires that I get people online for outages which are not at all related to the global team I'm responsible for. + +The past few months, people have increasingly seen that I'm getting more and more stressed to the point where I had a chat with HR because I had started working like 75+ hour weeks sometimes until 2am. I basically said that ""because of how I've been forced to set this whole team up within the guidelines I'm given by upper management (not my direct boss), nobody else has time to work this project, so if I don't do the work myself, it can't get done."" + +I mean, everyone saw it coming including me. Then last week happened. I was supposed to have Friday off as a normal day because leadership rotates Sundays for the other full time job role apart from the project, so every time I work a Sunday, I get the following Friday off. We had a major issue happen on Thursday which we knew would carry into this coming weekend, so I was going to cancel both my Friday off and the planned time I had on the calendar for like three months from Wednesday - Sunday this week because I knew everything would get messed up if I didn't. + +Well, I decided, this was a chance for me to test if other parts of leadership can actually do their jobs. Instead of canceling my time off like I have literally every other time something like this has happened the last year, I decided to take it. However, I gave my peers the plan of what needed to happen from Friday - Sunday, laid out for them completely, and all but spoonfed them. I went into it trying to just expect people to do their jobs. All they had to do was say ""Ok, we have the plan, here's this person who can do this thing that needs to get done, I'll have them do it..."" I also knew it wasn't going to happen like that. I knew... I knew that come Sunday evening, nothing would get done. So, I went Friday without checking my work phone. I went Saturday without checking my work phone. Then Sunday rolled around, and I finally checked... sure enough, even though my peers had the plan, it wasn't executed. I had to log in on Sunday to quickly get the right weekend people on it, and because things weren't executed on time during Friday/Saturday like I said they needed to be, it caused two huge outages like twelve time zones away. + +I went into work on Monday morning completely distraught. I met with my directs under me basically telling them that what happened is not their fault, and an effect of ineffective leadership which I'm largely responsible for. I sat there for a good 45 minutes apologizing to them, telling them what I plan to do going forward, and also commiserating because I was really as stressed as they were about it. + +During that talk, something broke in me, I think. Like, I had known that I was the sole failure point globally, but I was fine with that as long as I had people who could simply just organize whatever plan I gave them. I gave them that plan on Thursday, trying to clear things off my plate as I have been advised to do by my boss and HR, just expecting them to do basically the bare minimum, and they weren't capable of executing. I finally actually felt the full weight of being the sole failure point of global operations, and it crushed down on me so hard that I could barely breathe. + +I went to my boss after that meeting, and told her I had to leave for the day, but I would be back the next day. I took Monday off, almost too full of anxiety to even drive home, but made it then just watched movies I'd seen a hundred times already all day because I couldn't process any new information. I felt alright though, like at the end of it I had a sense of purpose, and renewed motivation. I woke up Tuesday completely ready to rock it at work, but as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot, I started to get a feeling I've only ever felt once before. I hopped on the highway, and the closer I got to work, the more I felt it. Then, it happened. I had a panic attack. I had to pull off the highway to turn around to go home. The second I had my car going back the other way, I felt like I could breathe even though I was still having heart palpitations, tunnel vision, numb tongue, etc. I got home, called my boss, and was straight up with her stating I had a panic attack on my way in, and I would not be making it. + +Then came yesterday. I had to make a five hour drive back to my hometown for the plans I had made for the aforementioned scheduled time off. I was happy, looking forward to it, couldn't wait to get back, but as soon as I got on the highway, the dread set in. The obsessive thoughts set in. I spent the next five hours in panic attack mode to the point where I don't know how I actually drove the car. All I wanted to do was get home, so I kept going, but I stopped like six times to re-center myself on a trip that I don't generally even stop on once. + +I got here, took a breath, sat down for a bit, and things were okay. But ever since, it's been a mixed bag of being okay for a while, then like 30-60 minutes of panic attack... then being okay again, then another panic attack. Thankfully, I spent today playing golf with my family which is what I had been looking so forward to, but it took like an hour for me to come into reality when we first started out. + +Then I got back, took a nap, and woke up in a panic attack about an hour later. + +Like, this is not at all my natural state. I am normally a very chill person who handles stress immensely well. I have had one panic attack before during a very difficult time, but I've never had multiples of them, and I've most certainly never had a nervous breakdown... but I think that's where I am. I've tried talking to my family, but none of them really understand because none of them has ever really had this kind of breakdown. General depression, anxiety, and that stuff, so they can relate (haha, family can relate...) on that level, but it's like I can barely be a functioning human. That's what they can't relate with. + +That's why I decided to post here hoping that someone else can relate, and just let me know this is going to end at some point. I'm not suicidal, or anything, I'll suffer through whatever I have to suffer though, I just need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. + +Have you ever seen Se7en? You know that part where they find the guy Kevin Spacey had been keeping alive for a year, and the doctor said ""If I were to shine a light in his eyes right now, he'd die of the stress...""? That's where I feel like I am. Like any source of any stress from anywhere that raises my adrenaline whatsoever just throws me into a panic attack. I am trying to deal, but it's difficult feeling like there's no end in sight because I've never experienced this before so I don't know what to expect. + +If you made it this far, thank you for reading my novel. I really super appreciate it, and owe you cookies. Possibly also milk, but milk probably doesn't travel too well in the mail.",Stress +28096,"Therefore, it should probably come as no surprise that I sprung the question of ""What exactly are we doing here?"". Well, that backfired, as he alluded to the fact he was too freshly out of a long term relationship and didn't want to commit yet (Jason had been single for more than a year and it was a 3 year relationship). I bit my tongue until it bled and told him that was okay because we had more friends in common by that point, despite saying I needed some direct space for a few weeks or more. Unfortunately, what followed could have not been more violent. Not the type of physical violence, but emotional tension and turmoil fueled by running into each other at social settings and by alcohol.",Stress +29923,"But I see him during classes and it might be extremely weird. And I don't want to go to the counselling room and knock on the door, what if they're having a session? And I'm probably gonna just nervously laugh while walking in. Talking to my teachers about it is a no no. I can't go to a therapist directly due to my parents lack of understanding and ignorance of mental illnesses.",Stress +28485,"Is it also possible that since I was so young, my mind distorted and hid these memories to make them less painful? I don't know what brought them back. I'm not in therapy nor have I been actively seeking any type of ""breakthrough"". I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 by a close friend's boyfriend, and the memories didn't come back then. What I feel right now, is mirroring how I felt then but honestly it might be worse.",Stress +28966,"She also has very heavy periods that the only one I have seen so far lasted two weeks. I really like this girl and I want to make it work between us. We had a talk about sex last night and she just said it's painful and she wishes so hard that we could have sex all the time but she is in pain, it's like certain positions or even going down on her is the best option. Can anyone give me any advise moving forward? She keeps telling me ""I don't know why you are with me because of this"" (somewhat sarcastically) and I let her know that I am here for her and we will work this out no matter what but at the same time I want her satisfy her sexually on a regular basis.",Stress +27935,"And then I just want it to go away. I dont know what to do about this, I feel like the world doesn't want me to talk about it. It's to uncomfortable for people... But I hate these feelings and they are just the tip of the iceburg that is ptsd. I felt like I needed to say something somwhere though.",Stress +48462,UPDATE If you haven’t seen my previous post then I suggest you go look at it but I broke up with my girlfriend today and it felt like a whole mountain of stress and anxiety fell off my shoulders 😌😌,Stress +49003,"My work stress is destroying my quality of life I'm not very good at my job. I've been there about six years and have been promoted a could of times. The money is quite good, which makes it really hard to leave. Internally I feel like I'm melting down. I think it's really starting to affect my brain chemistry. I couldn't stop worrying about work when I took a week off a while back. My boss seems to hate me for some reason (I've never antagonised her, I roll over on stuff just to keep the peace). I feel pathetic and the job is making me hate myself. I became a father about seven months ago. I'm worried that I will raise my child in a stressful home, but what's the alternative? I can leave my job, I need to support my family.",Stress +28368,"My question: how do I heal from this? As much as I wish there were a way to go back and fix my relationship with her, she deserves to heal from the damage I've done, and I have no right to ask for anything -- and so I won't. Lessons I've taken away: + I will **NEVER** do anything like this again. Too much pain for someone you love, and it's very hard to reconcile internally.",Stress +27560,"It's late and I should be sleeping but I can't get my husband out of my head, he's just such a freaking weirdo. I feel alone in my situation because most abuse involves some level of anger, but for me my suffering was just his way of showing me affection. He would always love to wrestle and tickle torture me, and he wouldn't stop when I was screaming at him to stop I no longer live with him but even today I still get a little flinchy. I lived in fear of being tackled, pinned, and tickled on a routine basis. I resent him for making me feel so small and fearful and at the same time he made me feel like I was crazy, that I was overreacting.",Stress +29469,"I live alone, make sure my dog gets the exercise he needs, I keep my apartment tidy, I do my laundry, I make sure I’m eating good, I work out, and I still hang with friends and such. Really, the only time I play video games is after work (which is normally after 8:30pm) or when I’m off. Even when I’m off, I still do chores and such between playing games. Even though I’m good at getting this stuff done, I still feel like there’s this weight on my shoulders that I should do MORE. Even when I cut video games out of the equation (which I did for the last week and a half) I still don’t do MORE because I’m normally too tired to do anything else.",Stress +48342,beard picking disorder Beard picking from months results in many ingrown hair has anyone experience this? How to solve?,Stress +49038,What supplements help with the tension headaches caused by stress? Muscle tension in neck and face,Stress +27995,"While my friends and myself included, have high hopes that this will work out, I’m petrified because I am putting my feelings on the table. I’m going to be so damn vulnerable. While he’s expressed and shown signs that he’s just as into this as I am, if not more so, I’ve also never done this before. I’ve only been in 1 (college) relationship before this, followed by 3 years of singleness and ultimate casual fuckery. I know my feelings for him are real and I owe it to myself to fight for a chance of a relationship with someone I feel so strongly for.",Stress +27897,"Has anyone else who's dealt with anxiety their entire lives become very controlling in their relationships as a way to cope? Speaking to my therapist I'm realizing that my method of coping with the intense anxiety I've faced in life was to become so organized that I thought I could control everything. But when situations arise, especially with those I'm in a relationship with where I can't control the situation, my anxiety goes out of control so I end up lashing out in negative ways. If you have found you were controlling and were able to better yourself can you please direct me on where to turn to do the same?",Stress +48626,"Stressed out having trouble coming down from it I run a medium sized company and we are very successful. But I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks, and my body doesn’t handle a lot of stress well. It may be the thing that removes me from the position I’m currently in. + +The desk job and stress has not been kind to my body. + +I bought some noise cancelling headphones to use during stressful times and will see if it helps when I want to sort of meditate while at work. + +Does anyone have any tips?",Stress +48616,"I don't know what to do anymore My mom throw out my things and I have a lot to do next week in school. I have a lot to submit and homeworks. I need to do a research paper, movie review, physics assignment, performance task, thesis defense and she just throws out my things. Threatens me to leave the house. Don't stay in the house. Don't eat. Basically don't live as well. Or just go to my friends house. I don't have those.",Stress +29356,"I listen to him when he’s having a bad day and thinking about what I did to him. I listen and try to say silent when he yells and screams at me. I take his insults in stride, as best as I can, because I feel like I deserve it. He tells me that he “has no respect for me” and I am “nothing but a mistake” and he tells me that I am trash, I do not deserve anything that I have, and that I am just a waste of his time. He tells me that he hates me.",Stress +49465,"Do you ever feel like anxiety and depression are a never-ending battle that you can't seem to win? Here are some ways to treat anxiety and depression! + +[https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression](https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression)",Stress +48320,"headaches... and severe anxiety It feels like I'm going to pass out I know I won't but that's how bad it is some days. I'm trying to actively work on my financial situation which is causing me the most stress however I don't know what to do to get a second job cause most demand open availability but won't give you a lot of hours... + +It doesn't really help that I drink alcohol on my time off a couple days a week and come to work hungover twice in the past month to make the job easier. + +I mean seeing a therapist would be beneficial but I don't have health insurance for a few more weeks at least and it would worsen my financial situation. I'm looking into seeing if I can use one of my boyfriend's free counseling sessions he gets from his job cause I doubt he will use them (unless he needs them but it seems like right now he's doing fine and I'm an anxious wreck). I feel like I'm just not fully present and my mind is foggy more than half the time. Chronically tired no matter the amount of sleep I get. I take multivitamins and eat fairly healthy but I'm mostly on the go not really the type of person who enjoys big ass crowds but seems like I keep finding myself in them. I'm very close to having a public mental breakdown.",Stress +49403,This one really helped me out Quick fixes I've used - really helpful [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI),Stress +27978,"I'm male and i live with my partner of 4 years. We have a 12 month old baby boy who is a very loved and cherished child. Early on in our relationship there were a couple of events that looking back i should have treated as red flags, basically my partner reacted volcanically to some fairly normal behaviour on my part such as messaging with a female friend (actually wife of one of my old mates) and me trying to arrange to meet my friends from home for beers (i live a couple of cities away from my home town). I wrote this stuff off as isolated incidents and we eventially bought a place together and decided to start the family we'd both always dreamt of. The pregnancy was kind of a beautiful bubble of love and anticipation and i was (and still am) elated by the arrival of our little boy.",Stress +49121,Sit Back and Relax! Managing stress. We all need a break! [https://youtu.be/uIdwoy05vC0](https://youtu.be/uIdwoy05vC0),Stress +48990,"Head pressure, ear wooshing, stiff neck, and headache I already wrote a message to my Doctor, so rest assured I will get appropriate medical care. But I am wondering if anyone else ever goes through this? On a daily basis, and sadly due to mental health and living with family, I am very stressed... However, I also have a hobby that is my favorite hobby but also puts a lot of pressure on me, which is competitive gaming. I wouldn't say pressure, but... Concentration and adrenaline, etc. + +Almost every day, for... a long time now, longer than I even can think of, I have really weird head pressure. It's like a headache with a stiff neck and when I realize I am holding my breath, I take a deep breath and feel like I haven't breathed all day. Lately, it's been worse. Feeling almost sick or like I'd feel after crying AND I also have ear wooshing in my right ear, whenever there is silence. + +Does anyone else have this happen or know what this might be? I tried looking up what I'm going through and cannot really find anything, especially the head pressure. It's just a feeling of ""I don't feel right."" too... I am going to try to post this on an anxiety Reddit too, to see if anyone there might have a clue as well.",Stress +27670,"So a bit of long back story here, I was adopted as a child not a proper legal adoption, there was a residency order for me to live with my aunt and uncle for an underdetermined amount of time, after a year my aunt and uncle split and my uncle kept me (my aunt was the one I was actually related to) social services never really got involved past this point. My uncle/ adoptive father started dating a woman that I would come to know as my mum (I always knew they weren’t biological) They had a very destructive relationship and my adoptive father was incredibly abusive towards her (like attempted stabbing & trying to set her on fire in front of me) he was never abusive towards me in fact he treated me like I was untouchable which fostered resentment between me and my “mum” They eventually spilt when I was 18 (9 years ago) and I’ve not spoken to my dad since,my mum works in a hospital and just informed me that he was admitted to the ward she works on and potentially has lung cancer. My mum is practically gleeful about it being cosmic karma for him being a horrible person but I’m uncomfortable with how happy she is that he’s ill, I’ve not really spoken to her about it because she’s the one that suffered not me so I can’t really tell her how to deal but it just seems a bit much to me to be happy.",Stress +48729,,Stress +29573,"I know it’s terrible and selfish and obviously people can be friends with each other but I just miss having a really strong and healthy friendship with another girl the way that we did. I want to have a good weekend but it feels impossible now, and I want everyone there to have a good weekend and I don’t want to make it bad. I don’t know what to do. So I just feel like crawling into my little isolation hole and being sad by myself while knowing that everyone hates me... to be honest I don’t know why I’m overthinking it cause honestly no one would care if I did isolate myself. It’s just I want to be better, not just for other people but for myself too.",Stress +49322,,Stress +48819,"How can I help my partner? She's not been in college very long, but I can tell she's already way way too stressed and exhausted. All I want is to help her so she's even just a little bit happier I just want to help her. I'm a high school senior, and she's a freshman at a nearby college. I'm scared though, because she's so pissy and stressed and exhausted ever since she started going there. I just wanna help.",Stress +49035,My stress just got 10x worse I 20(M) am about to check myself in. In February I lost my job I applied for all the government assistance that I could. Got unemployment 1700 a month to cover my expenses which adds up to about 3000-3500 a month great. I applied for housing assistance they still haven't gotten back to me about anything I've contacted them so many time and nothing. Applied for food stamp and just got awarded 20 dollars a month to feed myself and that all I could get the rest have denied me. so I tried to make the unemployment work and that failed badly I am no so far behind on bills I could only really pay my rent and keep my lights and gas on. Well everything is really crumbling now I just got a job and things are looking up yeah the job is a but far but it pays well then my car got repossessed and when that man cam and told me to empty out my car (trying to make it easier for when I hopefully get my car back) I broke because there is nothing I can do I have no support I have to income I have nothing and it's killing me I for the first time truly thought about releasing my ESA Dogs and ending things because it's too much for me to handle I tried to beg the loan company to let me get the car back because I just got a new job and I can get things back on track but the said no and that I have to some how come up with 2500 dollars. All in all this is alot happening right when things where going to hopefully get better so yeah life is absolute shit right now and I kinda don't wanna deal with it anymore. THANKS FOR READING 🥲,Stress +27900," -student- loans and I’m living a miserable life but I’m working as much as I can without feeling 100% dead inside but I have to pay them up in a week or they default and I don’t know what to do. I would seriously do anything for anyone for the money to help me keep my head above water. I’m completely miserable and I’m trying but I’ve been even more depressed than normal and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a heart attack is on my horizon. I spend the bare minimum, I starve or drink an 85 cent soda for 3-4 days out of the week.",Stress +28419,"I can't be having PTSD from something as mild as what happened even though I have pretty much all the symptoms. I feel I'm just lying to myself. I probably just want attention. I feel like a huge fraud... How am I even supposed to ""heal"" when I'm probably making everything up, I'm probably not broken, I'm just going to get yelled at again at the new therapy place like my last one because I'll be mute every session (don't even know why, I tell myself ""because I'm not ready to talk about it"" but it's been over 5 years since the last case and all this crap is minor, so it's probably just being ashamed over doing all this crap for god-knows-why when barely anything happened to me...), because ""I'm not trying"". I don't even know why I'm posting this, probably just begging for more attention, I've pushed the last true friend I had away a few days ago over my fears of therapy.",Stress +49451,"How to cope with stress when you barely know what causes it M16 I have been feeling like stressed and anxious lately for not really a any huge reason probably cus I have started looking after stuff that is wrong with me like my looks, personality hair and anything at al after my recent breakup how do I fix this? I have started going to the gym like six times per weeks and that helps me get my mind of thighs while I’m there and after when I get home or in school I feel incredibly stressed and anxious.",Stress +28921,"Hi everyone, and thank you in advance for reading. I moved my family from Texas to Colorado thinking I had a new job lined up on the other side - this job fell through. Fortunately I have a new job starting January 23rd, but I don't have enough in savings to carry me through. We are running very low on necessities like bread and milk. I am unable to go to the local food banks because I still only have a Texas DL, I can't afford to transfer my license or vehicle registration.",Stress +48805,I’m so behind on my work So at the moment we’re dealing with unprecedented volumes of mail (I’m a postman). It’s common knowledge that it’s hard at the moment and will take a lot longer than usual. I am dealing with a lot of backlog and it seems to just keep building every day. I do get some help sometimes it I think I’ll have to speak to a manager about getting some more. I’ve also got to keep on top of it and make decisions on what I will take out which day which is stressing me out. I won’t be able to do it all in a day so I will have to deliver different sections on a rotational basis. I have always struggled with backlog but everyone else in the office seems to catch up or stay on top of it no problem. I feel like not going in next week and letting someone else deal with it,Stress +27724,"I see him in person 1 - 3 times per week, almost always at restaurants. If it matters, we've never been to each others apartment. It is in his lease that he can't have guests over (???). I've invited him to mine but it hasn't worked out. I have some abandonment issues from friends pretending they like me but actually secretly disliking me, so I have anxiety that he doesn't actually like me.",Stress +48452,"Short Survey for Student Project - Please support Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +&#x200B; + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +27773,"I'm curious, does anyone know of any programs that provide temporary housing assistance if you have a job? I'm almost broke right now. I really don't want to live out of my car or the shelter while working. Having a comfortable supportive place until I can get my first couple of paychecks would be amazing. I'm worried that my current living situation will ruin my chances to succeed with this job.",Stress +48528,"To those who give car rides UPDATE IN COMMENTS: I’m a college student from out of state. I left home because I didn’t like the environment I was in, and being out of state was one of the best options. I don’t have a car and it’s mostly a public transportation type place so it’s not the biggest issue. I don’t ask people for rides unless I really need them. If we go out, I’ll tell them we can take the bus. On rare occasions if I need it I’ll ask for a ride. I was getting close to someone and only then did I ask them to take me to target twice, once we went, the other we didn’t and the second time I really needed to go for a project. So you kinda get the jist of it. When I need to go to and from the airport I has rely on others, this is one are I need help in because Ubers are so expensive (also I only need it after and before the winter, summer, and one thanksgiving break). I generally don’t care too much about it’s safety because I feel it’s generally safe, but this one time it’s kind of an issue. + +I also would like to mention that I don’t really have friends in school. + +Anyways, I ended up contacting many MANY people. They all basically said no. The flight would come in at around 12 AM and none of them could pick me up. I honestly got angry. My thought process was that I’m literally in a bad situation, I need a ride, and no one can either wake up or cut their plans short? It honestly just made me so frustrated. I get im not your best friend, but a girl taking an Uber at 12AM-1AM isn’t okay for many. I’m not the type to go out a lot so it’s uncomfortable for me. + +I get it’s late at night, but it just made me feel like people are selfish. I hope I never treat others the way I feel when I ask others for a ride. Because it feels terrible, and I’m not saying these people are the exact reason why I feel this way. I’m sure it’s an accumulation, but it just feels so terrible. + +I hate having to beg and pry and ask. I hate asking for a ride so I do try my best to get there myself. I even offer to pay because I don’t want people to do it for free and then me feel like I’m always bothering them. + +I don’t know what to do, I know I’m emotional about this but people who have cars and give others a ride should try and be more empathetic to those who don’t.",Stress +30007,"I'm now 18 Years old,from Germany and going to school right now, planning on study psyochologie. The only thing that seems to slow me down right now is chronic panicattack-like illness that seems to destroy everything I've build up for myself. It is a constant strain of thought that I fear the most that developed from the time I was six. Eversince I was six years old I started having weird forced habits like touching certian things for x amount of times or making weird noises. The older I got, the less I had these forced habits and the more I had something like a second ""voice"" in my head that was thinking of something entirely else and actually disturbing that I couldn't control.",Stress +28810,"I've had a really turbulent month and unexpected bills, and trouble with an old landlord, which has resulted in me almost being in minus on my account and almost out of rice to feed myself, i moved and got scammed out of my deposit from my landlord, which i am still awaiting, and had to buy some new things aswell as take care of my sick mate. Would really appreciate any help so i could feed myself the upcoming time, not sure if i can offer much in return except my utmost gratitude (Though tell me if you need anything and i might be able to help). This is really a last resort for me, no food banks nearby or any family i could get help from unfortunately. Thanks in advance for reading, cheers! Location Denmark",Stress +28598,Last few weeks I’ve overcome some serious issues and I was traveling most the time and it helped me a lot. But now that I’m home I’m falling back to my old self I’m isolating myself in my house. I barely go out again I can’t even manage to get myself a haircut and I don’t want fall back in this hole again. I picked myself up and going falling back can someone help me.,Stress +29375,"It's not a black nd white situation, I panicked, argued and a bunch over this with them, admittedly not helping my case, but I'm over that. I want help for my issues. Enough sobbing, I sometimes feel so hopeless, but I need to remember that while I am down, I am not out. Employment, temporary housing, even just basic street smarts, I'd like to know how to cope with this situation. What to do, first 100 days and all.",Stress +49289,"Investigating whether sexual fantasies are associated with personality, desire, and beliefs about one's own thoughts. \*\*Content Warning\*\* - Sensitive/Sexual topics. As part of my Psychology degree at the University of Lincoln, I am carrying out research for my final dissertation project. If you are aged 18 years old or older and can read/write in English, I would appreciate it if you could take the time to complete my study, which will take about 20 minutes. This study is examining the influence of beliefs, personality traits, and desire on sexual fantasising. Gender will also be investigated as an influence. You should only take part if you feel comfortable with these topics, specifically sexual fantasy content. The brief in the study link will provide more information and details of what the study will involve (ethics approval code: 2022\_10295). Please note, if you are negatively affected by the questions/topics, you are free to withdraw from the study while participating by closing the browser. Please feel free to share this, along with the study link, to friends or group chats who you think may be interested in taking part. Your help would be very valuable. Thank you! + +[**https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo**](https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo)",Stress +29706,"Hi there, Wall of text: I moved to the area for a job transfer, but that was completely botched and I had to find a new job. My initial start date was 2/12, but a hospital stay from 2/9-2/19 messed with that. I *finally* get to start on Monday (3/12), but in addition to not having had a proper paycheck in over a month, ~~I've only got a package of eggs left~~.",Stress +29550,"He ended up grabbing me by the neck with both hands and slamming my head against the wall in the hallway, he threw me the ground I hit the radiator and then he threw a bucket at me that had a toy and DOG SHIT in it (i genuinely don't think he knew there was dog shit in it, he just threw whatever was there...and our dog must have shit in it.) I didn't pass out this time. He went upstairs and slammed his door and locked it. I got right up and ran up the stairs and told him to let me in to get my shit so I can go. He told me to leave and I started kicking the door and demanding he lets me into get my shit so I can go.",Stress +28487,He goes in the bedroom and we only have one car so he has to take me to work. He is just sitting on the bed and I have to be at work in literally 16 minutes (I live close to my work). I said come on you're going to make me late and he said well find the fucking car keys. So I started looking then he found them. Then honestly he was just going on and on and yelling at me and I tuned out what he was saying so I don't even remember.,Stress +49196,"Is anxiety caused by stress? Is anxiety caused by stress? +Like for example, stressful job is route cause of anxiety - if I changed jobs will my anxiety likely go away??",Stress +48358,"Experiencing a physical stress symptom but don't feel stressed So I know I'm experiencing stress, because I'm getting a sensation in the back of my head (not quite a headache but a bit of discomfort), which has always been associated with stressful/anxious situations. It started occuring right after I started uni again, so that's probably the cause. The thing is though, I don't feel anxious or anything though, I just have this one symptom.. is this just as bad as being full-on stressed? Like will it age me the same amount that full-on stress will?",Stress +29912,"Dealing with ptsd from rape, and recently found out that someone who I thought was a friend sexually assaulted one of our friends at a party we were at. I get flashbacks of waking up whenever we were at parties together and I've seen him awake once or twice and even though the likelyhood is very low (given the background of what he did), I can't shake the feeling that he mightve done something to me. What he did to her is giving me feelings like what happened to her was actually me. My doctor suggested womens group therapy, but I wanted some opinions first. Any thoughts will help",Stress +29051,"That being said, I feel like every idea I have to contribute gets shot down. It doesn't help that I'm not the best at communicating ideas. I feel like I'm at a dead end and am not being considered to move up because of it. It's gotten me so anxious that I don't know what to do except look for other opportunities. I feel like he's just pretending to appreciate what I do.",Stress +28995,"I don't know whether to confront him or to move on, or is it just like that saying ""Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them, and sometimes it's enough just to know they are there."" --- **tl;dr**: Friend is becoming more distant, flaking, and avoiding contact. Yet at the same time comes to me for advice and to talk.",Stress +49118,Stress Relief Music https://youtu.be/wN8UiKP_Td0,Stress +28849,"His price is even higher than what I was told and he said that's after a discount. I'm a college student and apart from tuition I have food and other things to fund and I thought that by paying this much I'd at least get my money's worth in therapy, but other than telling him about my anxiety and family, and having him tell me I probably have OCD and Anxiety disorder, all I seem to hear is the rates of the therapies and how it would take over a year of dynamic therapy, preferably 2 times a week, at 80$ a session, and that I should be able to commit if I want to continue. The second session he continued with this spending nearly 30 minutes saying I have 3 options, seeing a psychiatrist and taking pills, going to CBT to treat 'only the symptoms' or seeing a dynamic therapist like him for sessions which would take a year at least to see results. What's more, the second the clock ticks 50 minutes he says have a nice day and sort of kicks me out. So I'm supposed to believe this person talking about money on time I pay him money to talk to me about my greatest fears is gonna help me?",Stress +29241,"He turns it on first thing in the morning and turns it on the moment he gets home from work at night to play until midnight or later. Any free moment he has is spent playing this game. I'm a stay at home mom so I really look forward to talking to him, he's usually the only adult I talk to face to face during the week. Plus I love talking with him and spending time with him anyways, that's why I married him! Back when this all started, I told him that I needed him to spend more time with his kids and I.",Stress +48730,"What Do You Do for No Confidence Days? I'm not talking about just having doubt, I'm talking about you don't know how you got where you are. If you're in school, you don't understand anything that's being said, and can't call on the information you've learned so you want to drop out, you failure. If you're working, you screw up a job you've been doing for years and you can't explain yourself. I'm talking you did that thing for your SO they said they wanted you to do so badly and got a negative reaction even when you did it just like they said. You are a sports genius and you wanna kick the ball like you kick balls professionally, but then you stumble out there like you've never had legs before and fall over like a newborn baby in front of fans, critics, and familiars. + +What do you do? I don't just want to give up for the day and go to bed, but I'm feeling like a fool and the imposter syndrome is strong today.",Stress +49133,"Experiences with iRelax? Anyone has tried this?: + +[http://devonmedicalproductsv3.com.s126296.gridserver.com/diagnostic-devices/irelax/](http://devonmedicalproductsv3.com.s126296.gridserver.com/diagnostic-devices/irelax/)",Stress +48350,"Decrease stress by ADDING a hormetic stressor into your life. One of the best ways to decrease how much total stress you experience is by adding good forms of stress (short and moderate) called hormetic stressors. Cold water is a prototypical hormetic stressor. It releases stress hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline but it is short and not extreme. + +We just launched an app that provides guided cold showers to make it easy for you to do them. It is led by a Master Chief Navy SEAL. We teach you a set of mental tools around tactical breathwort, body relaxation, self talk, etc. These tools not only make cold showers easier but they also help you handle stress more generally. + +In fact, the best way to train yourself to handle stress better is to systematically stress yourself and then practice these tools while stressed. If you do that, these tools will become reflexive any time your body generates stress hormones. + +getmental.com + +One side note - the app is geared generally to men.",Stress +27883,"I wanted to go to this art school in an expensive city only because this place is wayyyyyyy cheaper then most art schools and it has all the majors I'm interested in, which I could use for like storyboards for movies and what not. They have really nice dorms and if I could just get the funding for school I could do that, but I have really bad mental illness and I need my cat, he checks to make sure I'm breathing at night and comforts me during panic attacks. Which means I'd need an apartment, and a job. I'm not against working my ass off, I'm just getting down right now, no responses to applications can do that. I'm in a state that doesn't even have a real art school.",Stress +28402,"So I've been taking Zoloft for several months and it has been working well for anxiety/depression but I'm having some problems with it. The biggest problem is that my mind feels blank a majority of the time. When conversing with other people sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to say. I feel as if I am less witty, and also less creative. I've backed down my dosage from 100mg to 50mg with some success as I don't feel as 'spaced out'.",Stress +49048,"Survey about stress for my thesis, only takes 5 min Hello guys! If you have the time, I would appreciate if you could fill my survey for my thesis, it only takes 5 min. Thank you![https://erasmusuniversity.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_43n2PRyzZlsojMq](https://erasmusuniversity.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_43n2PRyzZlsojMq)",Stress +48587,"Lets lose the fears + +Fear is a normal emotion that every human experiences when faced with physical or emotional threats. When a child rides a bicycle for the first time or when a fresher attends an interview or people go on a roller coaster, we are facing the fear of uncertainty. But when these emotions become intense or prolonged disturbing our thoughts and actions, it becomes anxiety. Then we need to take steps to overcome it. [Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/13/5-ways-to-overcome-fear-of-change/)",Stress +48445,"Is crying when stressed a female thing? When I’m super stressed and I don’t know where my life is headed, work sucks, am unhappy with my looks, have no prospects, etc, I cry. + +I was wondering if other women do this too? Do guys do this? Or is it a female thing because of our hormones maybe?",Stress +48908,,Stress +49141,"Mental Restoration Relax with vivid images and calming music to help manage stress, study, + +meditate, falling asleep and relieve anxiety. + +[https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s](https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s)",Stress +49080,"does anyone else get a headache when they try to relax? i don’t know how to fix this. every time I finally sit down and get comfy, my head starts hurting. it feels like the headache I get out of stress when something needs to get done but I’m well aware nothing needs to get done at the moment. still I can’t relax comfortably ever because of these headaches. they’re just never ending",Stress +28904,"People who've been my ""friends"" for a decade stopped talking to me or inviting me to anything after my break-up. A guy who I've been making plans to see for two months on a weekly basis just cancelled, again (we haven't gotten together at all). Another person I was trying to date bailed because of something I can't control. I'm not worth these people's time. My boss scares the daylights out if me (stern Russian lady who expersses herself horribly).",Stress +29412,And I don't even remember. Please help me. He says it's ok and he forgives me. But it's NOT OKAY. my diagnoses and the symptoms of it is never an excuse to hurt the ones I love.,Stress +29928,"I have been either an emt or a paramedic for the past 9 years. I have been a part of way more than I wanted to be, I cant help but see all the god damned faces. I cannot work because I tried to protect my girlfriend and property from a threat, ended up being someone shooting off fireworks... i have been shot at enough and held it in. I just cant. im tired, I want to give up.",Stress +27910,"I'm a freshman in college. I had to move out asap due to a volatile home situation, and I'm still struggling with finances and figuring out the real world. I just got a job, but am currently extremely sick, and worried about starting. Even so, my phone bill is due and I won't be paid for a few weeks. Student loans don't come in until January.",Stress +28564,She doesn't pay for my tuition yet constantly puts me down by calling me dumb. Anyone have any tips on how to survive the next week? So far I've been playing super loud music in my headphones whenever she tries to come up and say something to me but I'm looking for options that are less likely to end up in my going deaf haha. Any tips for how I can quickly forge a future without her in my life would be helpful too. I'm in my third year of college and am hoping to have a job after I graduate but at the moment I feel so chained down to her.,Stress +48823,Happy | Energetic Music For Peace music to destress to. ENJOY,Stress +28893,"But i think the worst part is her emotional abuse. Like having fun to make me scared or cry and also always putting me down like i am not good enough or ignoring me. Also i feel like she is sexually attracted to me (i am 17 now) and uses some shitty pretending to touch me between my legs or butt. I once tried to talk with my dad about it, but he said that he and mom have enough to do and i should pull myself together. I feel like i really have to seek help, but i am so scared that people wont take me serious and think i am exaggerating.",Stress +28688," I am a 30 year old male with a 5 lb dog recently homeless in Washington state. My dog is the last remaining thing from when life was normal, and I refuse to get ride of her after being my companion for 6 years. Reason for my homeless, car broke had to work fast food because it was close to home. I was assigned less hours than the high schoolers I worked with (3-4 hour shifts)I was unable to maintain the apartment. I do not have any drug abuse problems or alcohol.",Stress +28873,"I’m in Florida, can’t find concrete laws that apartment companies will let me off lease because of abuse. As in me getting my name off lease and him staying here. My fiancé is mentally and emotionally abusive. We have had some physical altercations, like him pushing me down, poking me hard in the chest, him ripping off his shirt and than hitting me with it. He’s also broken a few pairs of glasses, a remote control, smashed the hell out of his iPhone, and threw a chair across the room almost hitting his dog.",Stress +48694,i’m so stressed for the last 6 months i have no clue what to do i’m 17 never felt like this my muscles can’t relax anymore i always twitch when i lay down how do i get better is there anything i can take,Stress +28385,"I can afford it alone. He just has nowhere else to go. His wages are low, he relies on me for transportation. I actually have to leave my job during the day to drive him to work. It is tough on me to do that.",Stress +28287,The best idea i have came up with is use the lazt of my petrol to get somewhere atleazt half close to work and safe and legal to park up where i canalso sleep. Use my anti bactiral gel to clean my body and just wear a hat all week for work and wait it out until friday. Does anyone else have any better advice? Id appriciate any suggestions. Thank you,Stress +30021,"She wants to live off these 400.00 and cut back on everything there is, even her own only connection back to her family if needed. My plan was, to get back to our parents for a while, until we both earn a bit better or find a cheaper place. But unfortunately, for her this is no option. She is afraid she can't go home, as she already once switched jobs and is afraid her mother won't accept her at home again. She blocks every attempt of mine to bring up the possibility of going back.",Stress +28258,"During this time, my mother was out of work and she had to make sure she took the time to take care of her father. On his deathbed, my grandpa told our landlord, to his face and perhaps in a Will (the latter was my mother's words, not mine) that he did not want his daughter and his granddaughter to be homeless. He wanted him to take care of us and make sure we had a place to live. Unbeknownst to me, we were behind on the rent. I didn't know how much until a few years later, when I got my first job.",Stress +49056,"what do I do? So 3 years ago I started experiencing a lot of anxiety and sudden depressive episodes that I didn't know the reason for. And then two months after I started profusely sweating in my palms, feet and armpits. And these symptoms are constant, almost never ending. I'm always in stress, worrying when I'm going to start sweating again and therefore get super cold and uncomfortable and unable to handle not only social situations but even doing something at home. I had to give up so many hobbies of mine because they make me feel uncomfortable now due to the hand sweating. Nobody ever told me what the hell happened to me and why I can't stop this no matter how hard I try... I know the sweating is psychological because when I miraculously manage to not think about it for a while, I'm okay. Or when I get drunk but I can't be drunk every day so I just have to bear with it. These past three years I haven't been living most of the time, I've been surviving and trying to stay sane. Though there are good days when I'm almost totally fine, there are periods when I've even thought about ending my life. I'm not sure what happened to me, if it was trauma or not... I just know nothing is helping me at the moment and I just want to ask if anyone here could give me some advise. +Btw I'm seeing a clinical psychologist and we're trying to work on it by various kinds of meditation, relaxation, stress relief but nothing works long term. I'm starting to feel like I can't relate to anyone and that my issue is so strange I'm probably the only person on earth experiencing this and it's just fogging my brain. I'm getting hopeless here, this week it's especially bad. And I'm scared that this will go on forever.",Stress +28537,"Throwaway because I don't want this tied to my main account. For some background, 30 yo male diagnosed with GAD, depression and PTSD. Otherwise healthy, but recently my anxiety has been getting worse and showing itself in the most fucking frustrating way. I'm about a year and a half out of an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. I don't want to go into the details at this point but that relationship shattered my trust in people and, frankly, myself.",Stress +29895,"I refuse to carry both of us anymore and I'm also tired of the drama between us as well. So, part of me hopes he doesn't pay the rent and that'll give me my push to really move on. Anyway, I'm ok with going to a shelter, but I worry about my laptop. I remember when I was living in a shelter when I was a kid, they didn't allow you to have certain items. I don't want to part with my laptop for them to keep it safe and it gets ""lost"".",Stress +28903,"So now I'm here not knowing what to do. I don't want to call the cops because I don't want my mom to get in any trouble for her gambling habits. So I need some advice for what to do incase something like this ever happens again. **tl;dr**: My mom cuts her boyfriend because he grabbed her by the throat and I don't know what to do. **UPDATE**: After this incident with her boyfriend, my mom wants to move out of the house.",Stress +49207,"song that INSTANTLY reduces my stress hi. when i listen to this song my overthinking stops, heart rate goes down and i get a break from the stress i'm feeling at the moment. + +[https://open.spotify.com/track/1UVgOlmTW3eSkCekVy5Pu9?si=024b311ba35f4130](https://open.spotify.com/track/1UVgOlmTW3eSkCekVy5Pu9?si=024b311ba35f4130) + +wanted to share, maybe it works for someone else",Stress +49244,I'm burnt out. What is the most effective way to get unburnt? Looking for the best ways to relieve stress before starting a new job. I don't believe in mediation or yoga so those are out of the question.,Stress +28420,Shortly after anxiety set in. Not a totally unfamiliar feeling but there wasn't any clear indication as to why I Was feeling this way. Let me explain why I can't go over the fact that this feels different this time. 2 Usually there is one thing single thing that triggers my anxiety.,Stress +49270,"Prolonged Stress due to previous period of stress I’m in my final year of Engineering school and previous semester was pretty stressful for a solid month, I had to change up my routine. I managed to get everything done, but I never celebrated. Straight after that I moved to a new place, and felt more stressed, as it didn’t meet my expectations. Then I got pretty sick. And now 2 months after it feels like the stress has built up, and is there just for the sake of it. I feel stuck in the stress trap. Anything I do in life stresses me, and it can’t stay like that for long. I need to escape, I need some peace. + +Share with me your thoughts. I’m open to listen.",Stress +27705,"The next couple of days have been mostly normal. A large group of my friends were visiting so I had a good time, but that episode made me slightly anxious every now and then. I have no prior history of anxiety disorder or mental illness. For all I know, this episode could have been anything or nothing, but I do remember feeling a strong sense of anxiety during the tram ride. At the time, I was attributing it to being a little paranoid on pot, so I wasn't concerned - until I started to lose my vision.",Stress +48759,"End of work day brain stops working I am a teacher (23 years), and this is a new phenomenon for me. At the end of the day, I literally can’t think. It’s happened in class and during a meeting I was leading this week. I know I am under a lot of stress- we are in FL and school was closed for the hurricane for a few days. The meeting was on Tuesday afternoon when we had already been told school was closing. Today at the end of the day, I felt so overwhelmed that I literally had to ask a student what his last name was for the office. + +Is this just regular stress or special hurricane related stress?",Stress +48784,"I am officially broken Im in a city where most of my family resides, but I’m homeless because i’d rather be alone than be around negative people. + +It’s been a few months since i chose this path and I’ve been strong the entire way through it, until now. + +Just got out of a short relationship that was bit toxic for my taste. She was basing our relationship off of shall we say, physical aspects. + +I just found out on top of that, she was fucking her ex while we’ve been talking and just yesterday she told me that she believes she may be pregnant by her ex, but it’s too early to take a pregnancy test. + +So, I acted normal let the conversation flow as it would over the phone until we finished and, I could not stop thinking about what she had just told me. + +Next day i told her we should brake up, we did. She blamed everything on me. I kept my cool, explained how i felt. I was ignored. + +So, i created distance so i could heal. + + +But i’ve come to the conclusion that i don’t want to heal, i just want this to end. Ive never been more ready to end my life until today, not because of the break up, but because of everything. The condition of the world, our future, the situation with my family. Not being able to find and get a place of my own and stuck in a city i absolutely hate. + +Ive been strong, but now i just don’t give a fuck. I thought life was meant to be worth living?",Stress +48602,This is an Interesting Article on how Apple Watches can Cause Stress - Worth the Read [https://medium.com/@iakelley/knowing-too-much-1367e555fd16](https://medium.com/@iakelley/knowing-too-much-1367e555fd16),Stress +48691,Peacefull raining soundscape to help you relax. [https://youtu.be/pFFqsSkOBrM](https://youtu.be/pFFqsSkOBrM),Stress +48485,,Stress +28160,"She hangs up; told me she was going to; but she leaves. That was a bit frightening. But I guess at that stage the police were already here, because the abuse from him starts. “Oh you actually called the fucking cops did you?” “Why would you call the fucking cops?” “I can’t believe you’d call the fucking cops”. Three days later, I’ve just checked the phone.",Stress +48507,"Starting college again. I’m a college freshman and just got off break. I was seventeen when I started and I’m only eighteen now. Everyone else at this school is 30+. I don’t fit in and I feel like there’s so much pressure on me to talk like them. Their words are so elegant, I feel like comparing our work next to each other mine looks like shit. I get really bad GI issues when I’m dealing with college. Everything feels out of place. To top it off, I’m doing online work so I have to have extra discipline. There’s just so much to do, I schedule it all out but it’s so fucking much. I at least know I’m stressed out and to breathe when my stomach starts making wild sounds. + +Does anybody have any tips, encouragement, or similar stories? I just need to feel like someone’s got my back.",Stress +48366,"Does anyone feel the same? I was wondering if someone recognizes the feelings I have sometimes because I feel like I am weird and alone. I've read about anxiety and think that's what I have... But there's so much info online that I do not know for sure. + +I get minor panic attacks on random moments and I can not seem to find any reason why. +The most recent example is when I was asked to go on a team meeting outside of working hours. I felt almost frightened and felt like I wanted to cry and life is too overwhelming for me. Another example is a party I recently went to, I was scared to go for about two weeks (even though my gf and a friend were with me). There was literally nothing bad about it, but I was stressed up until the moment I got there. + +When I try to think of a reason why I'm feeling like that, I do not have a single clue. My life is good and I have everything I need/want but I keep looking for small things that make me feel unhappy and anxious. I can stay awake and panic/overthink over all kinds of small things like this. I just want to feel happy and stop overthinking constantly but I do not know how to do that. Sometimes I think it will get better when I'll get older (25y right now). But the negative feelings are taking over more frequently and I am ready to start working on it so I can actually enjoy life. Any advice?",Stress +48686,"Do you ever feel like you’re in a losing battle between your doctor and your job? Or is it just me? + +I have two blood/circulatory, autoimmune disorders that are not that difficult to regulate, but can get annoying sometimes because I often have to go to more appointments than I’d like. Also, depending on the job, I may have to ask for accommodations. + +The last manager that I asked for an accommodation basically insinuated that I was lying, and even when I proved it with a doctors note, she was still very rude about it, and acted like I was asking for something ridiculous other than needing to get up every two hours and walk around for five minutes because of my poor circulation. + +I have been let go in the past due to taking time off for medical conditions, but of course they don’t say that it’s because of medical condition they just say I’m taking “too much time off.” So I can’t claim ADA discrimination. + +I’ve been at my new job for a little over a year now and they are so flexible and have no issues with me taking time off but of course I built up this wall because of previous jobs and I’m always terrified to ask for time off when I need to go to a doctors appointment. + +My doctor is like “your health is more important than your job and you need to make this work so that you can do everything you need to do to handle your autoimmune diseases.” Obviously, my health is more important than a job but he doesn’t think about the fact that companies don’t give a shit about health and if I lose my job due to taking time off, I won’t be able to afford insurance or pay out-of-pocket for him. + +It stresses me the fuck out and I feel like each side is pulling me without considering the consequences.",Stress +29218,"I'm new to this so please forgive me. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions. I need advice/help. I was molested multiple times by my biological dad when I was 5 up until middle school (so like 10 yrs old). After many times in the past telling my mom that my dad had ""touched me weird"" my mom had gotten annoyed and mad at me.",Stress +29530,"Friends privy to the situation believe that she is just constantly keeping me on the back burner because I'm the safe option, when she isn't with somebody, or when she doesn't have anybody else. She knows I love her still, she knows I'd do just about anything for her, and want to be with her still to this day but nothing more than just an option. I always end up feeling the same in this situation though, worthless, low, wishing I was in a relationship with her. --- **tl;dr**: Me and ex have stayed in somewhat constant contact for 10 years, never get back together officially.",Stress +48491,"I’m burnt out Fuck school and fuck this school system. I’m in a constant state of stress. I have panic attacks and I cry everyday at school as well as when I get home. I’m taking AS levels and the thought of me writing the exams in a few months keeps me panicked. I’ve withdrawn from my social life due to the stress and I feel miserable. I feel like im being suffocated. It’s all an ongoing loop and I feel stuck . I genuinely cannot imagine myself surviving next year too. Everytime I sit down to study, I have mental breakdowns . I just have 1 more year to graduate",Stress +29045,"Just realised in my greatest moment of need, no one could be there for me despite me seeking it out and reaching out first. These are 'friends' Ive talked to about issues before. My heart is beyond broken to find myself at once again a second round of realisation that I have no friends to be there for me. People have stuff to get on in their lives and cannot always be there for me. I get it.",Stress +49071,"How do I better control my feelings when I get stressed? Hey reddit, + +I'm going to keep this somewhat short as I have only just two days ago recognized how poorly I deal with stress. I know irritability isn't exactly rare with stress. However I've realized that when I get stressed, I get extremely irritable. No matter the magnitude of my stress, small or large, I feel like anything can set me off. + +How do I better suppress this irritability? Suppress isn't a good word, as I don't really want to bottle it up, but I can't think of a better one. I don't like snapping at people when I get stressed. They don't deserve that. + +(So much for keeping it short)",Stress +29018,"60 days past due, need 1,500 by the end up business Friday, current payment and past due amount. I made a post on r/borrow and would be willing to offer same terms to anyone here. There I requested $2250, to also help consolidate some loans I have there, with a pay back amount of $2,750 over 5 months. If I lose this car, my world will collapse and I will most likely end up homeless. I'm hoping there is a kind soul on here who can help, but hope all have a blessed day!",Stress +48838,"How do you manage the job stress & anxiety on a day to day basis? So how do you folks manage the stress of a job and anxiety on a day to day basis? + +I know most of you would say "" One task at a time"", but I want to know about some real hacks!",Stress +29214,"I was walking to a class when someone behind me at their locker dropped their stuff. I went into a panic and I started reliving the trauma. After it went away, I told my friends about it outside of class. In response, they started jokingly throwing things at the ground (including some of my stuff). I started crying in the middle of class, but no one noticed.",Stress +28097,"But I do not even think the therapist is supposed to actually care, she actually seems to, but I cannot understand it. I did not start therapy because I thought she would care, I started therapy because I jumped off a bridge 1 year ago and I have an 18 and 21 year old brother and sister who are too young to process a suicide, it would be wrong, so therapy is the thing I figured. Now I feel like it is all that I live for, a part of me really likes how kindly she is. But another part of me feels tied down these days, I am getting tired of this town and want to pick up my pack and go on down that open road just as I have 16 times in these past 15 years and she is the only reason I don't.",Stress +28579,"I would like to have a relationship with his parents in the very least and let them actually get to know me, but he really doesn't want to introduce me to them. It's important for me to develop a relationship with my SO's family, especially if we intend on being long term. I don't see how we can continue our relationship like this. My question is, what can I do to improve the situation? What conversations do I need to have with my BF?",Stress +29538,I don't know what to do with myself ! At times I feel like just killing myself. but I have been thinking that for a couple of years now so thats not happening. . About a month ago I chose to go homeless because I was stuck.,Stress +29152,"on to friends, I recently moved into my first apartment with my college roommate, her boyfriend, and another girl. I just feel lie everyone else in the house is so much closer and its really nerve wracking living with people in the first place especially because I know the boyfriend is a bit more reserved and having trouble adjusting i think to living with three girls. my roommate from last year is trying to be supportive but i know my low energy along with her own problems is sucking the life out of her som im trying not to bother her. in the past month, i've broken up with a creepy guy, taken my friend to the ER, constantly felt ignored because technology sucks and i'm left on read if i even try, an ex has obsessively messaged me, and then the whole issues with the friends also in the leadership of clubs with me. im just a fucking mess.",Stress +27559,"Every day I wake up doing nothing. Absolutely nothing except wasting my life, hoping something would happen but of course nothing would happen because I am a lonely fuck who pushes away everyone in his life while everyone else goes out and party like there is no tomorrow and fuck and cum like they are in a porno and make memories that not even one memory book is enough. Every day I wake up doing nothing. Either wasting my time playing videogames or watching the social media status scrolling up and up and up when in reality, i am doing absolutely nothing. Nothing is being absorbed in that stupid brain of mine, wherever the hell it is when I should be doing something more productive like studying or reading but either my own brain rotted to the size of a pea *(because of how mental disorders degenerate brain cells ... yay me, I am doing something at all)* or it just felt and flew up to Mars, or it is sitting its dark throne, rubbing its pitchfork, planning its next move on how to fuck me, both literally and figuratively.",Stress +28747,I've been thinking about this for weeks and have talked about it with her on numeral occasions and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just don't know what to feel right now and I'm an emotional wreck. Am I overthinking or it are these reasonable things to worry about? --- **tl;dr**: worried what people will say about my girlfriend and I.,Stress +27870,"In some ways, I can handle it more than the average person who hasn't gone though such a trauma. Sometimes it's hard to remember that, though, when you're breaking down over some otherwise harmless feedback. I'm tired of people misunderstanding. I'm tired of feeling weak and broken. I'm just tired.",Stress +48743,"Lowering Stress with Optimal Breathing [https://youtu.be/qG1BgsFJPdo](https://youtu.be/qG1BgsFJPdo) + +The simplest, easiest, most fundamental element to lowering stress and achieving good health can be found in the video above.",Stress +28817,"November 8 is the anniversary of when I was kidnapped and raped. The anniversaries are always hard on me, and this year is feeling extra hard. On Facebook a lot of my friends are celebrating their own or their kids’ birthdays today, their wedding anniversaries, sharing memories of the awesome vacations they were on on this day last year, etc. I feel weird and alone in my trauma. It’s not that I want anyone to have to join me in misery, but I guess I’m wondering if anyone else out there happens to be dealing with this at the same time as me.",Stress +28295,"It was the same therapist I'd been seeing since I was little, when I was first diagnosed as ASD (at the time termed PDD-NOS, as I didn't *quite* fit the diagnostic requirements for Aspergers), and she, had honestly stopped being helpful. Just kept telling me to do the same things over and over, when I told her these solutions either didn't work, or in some cases (going out for a walk for the sake of it, rather than with an intended destination/goal, for instance) made things worse. Because if my mind's left to wander, without something to focus on, something to distract myself, it starts tearing itself apart, ripping open old wounds and rubbing salt in them; reminding me of all the shit I've screwed up in the past, ways I've failed or fallen short, and I end up worse off than when I started. So, I eventually stopped going. And then, eventually stopped taking my meds, mostly because of not having the money to afford them when my father walked out, and the house practically started falling down around our ears over a course of a couple years; the heating just before winter because we couldn't afford oil, then losing water due to burst pipes, then the gas and finally electricity due to nonpayment.",Stress +27439,"There's a TL;DR at the bottom for those who wanna get to the point this gets kinda lengthy. Hi, I'm 19 and this is my first time posting here and I'm hoping at least one person can relate. Before a few months ago I never had to deal with anxiety really, but out of nowhere it hit me like a truck. I guess what's been causing it is relationship issues, but mostly health anxiety. My first major mistake was googling symptoms I started having, not realizing that it was normal for anxiety to cause physical symptoms.",Stress +48560,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48529,"YOGA is not only a physical workout + + + +**The word ‘Yoga’, has got a global presence now. Though it has gained popularity and is seen as a tool to uplift our lifestyle to a healthy one,** **myths are still buzzing around. It needs to be demystified as yoga is a great instrument that aims to develop self-awareness and connects that inner self to external energy…..**[CONTINUE READING](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/04/5-myths-of-yoga-to-demystify/)",Stress +29096,"The thought of interviewing for a job with a man in a suit makes me want to curl up and die. Despite living and going to college in the town I grew up in, I don't have any close friends. I'm different than most girls at my college, I guess. I don't wear the giant tshirts, and I'm not in a sorority. I don't go out at night and party or go to football games.",Stress +27479,"“Either be my girlfriend or be out of my life” my fwb told me. I refused to be his girlfriend so of course, now we’re strangers. It’s breaking my heart. I want him in my life so badly, as a friend that is. We had a wonderful connection that’s hard to come by (at least for me) and I hate to lose that.",Stress +28044,"Before it happened I had been good friends with him and I admired him a lot as a child. I don't want to ruin his life, and whenever I meet him I act normal and happy. When I talk about him I smile and act normal. Sometimes I feel like I can forgive him for what happened, but sometimes I have nightmares and I feel dirty. I think of what happened a lot.",Stress +29809,"It's true that I can probably be annoying (messy, absent-minded so I forget/lose things a lot, I'm also always making (possibly annoying) jokes about everything, and afraid that comes off as attention-seeking or something), but I don't really have any evidence that I was bothering anyone. In fact, it seemed like we were all having a great time. But I'm having a hard time shaking my worry that I acted like an idiot or something. I felt the same way after going to my favorite cousin's wedding last year, who I also hadn't seen in a couple years. **tl;dr**: does anyone else feel reasonably comfortable in social situations as they occur, but then torture yourself over them after they have come to pass?",Stress +48882,"Irritability Hello everyone how is it going, im from colombia and since i was 10 or so, im so irritable, a loose lace, i explode, i hit my elbow, instant artery burst, everything from the smallest things gets me mad, im so worried all the time, games stresses me out, im a walking talking corpse of how skinny i look, food barely nourishes me, and im about to graduate from something so hard to get a job from and a career i didnt enjoy as i would have liked(graphic communication/ graphic design with focus on digital illustration, pretty much i kneecapped myself) and looking at my best friend, with a girlfriend, a nice job makes me go nuts (not jealousness, as he deserves his success but i thought i did too), anxiety is taking its toll my and my mind constantly fight like we were a dysfunctional married couple, is this a mental health issue or just me not growing up the ole git gut but not darksouls but real life, i can count how many things i like, but is impossible to count how many i dont, so many things i hate it cant be normal, so what do you think good people?",Stress +29997,"Our justice system is not aimed at helping victims. I feel totally violated, put down, and blamed for requesting an extension on an order of protection. Which was denied because he is living in another state. Even though, he was unable to show, as he’s out on bond for assaulting a new woman. Judge told me, if he harasses you and violates you again, then you can go back through the process to get an order.",Stress +28972,my gf dumped me and was honest .. you are the sweetest guy and made me feel like angel but sorry i can’t handle you scar and it embarrasses me in public and her friends made fun of her for being in a relationship with a scarface . i always hate my life because of this scar ... im tired and always stay at home to avoide people there just no solution for it and i don’t blame my ex she was crying when she told me the truth ... the real problem is people judment im a very nice person and people just think im a bad guys who got this scar from a fight TlDR ; Got dumped because of a scar on my face and i don’t think there would be any girl who loves me and accept me .. is there any girl on earth would accept to be in a relation ship with someone who looks like a criminal? ..i don’t know why im writing this post just want to let it out .. Thank you,Stress +29816,"I loved this person dearly with all my heart, and it was an extremly tragic and sudden death. I want to go to my doctor but im already in counceling. Ive only gone once and my next visit is on wednesday. Should I tell my greif councellor? Thanks for reading.",Stress +49460,"exam stress i’m just looking for some words of kindness or experience here + +so i’m in grade 12 but i’m also doing a dual credit program so i have a lot on my plate. it’s also sick season so i’ve been off and on sick, i’ve had chem tests or la essays or assignments everyday and my dual credit exam is tomorrow. it’s a huge test and worth maybe 200 points so i’m terrified because i’ve never done such a large test in my life. i haven’t been able to write review notes (the exam is open book) because i’ve had to prioritize everything else. i plan on waking up at 4:00am tomorrow morning and i’ve already done 4 or so hours of studying. i’m super scared and feel over the top stressed.",Stress +29524,"Sometimes I'll stop and just stand somewhere or stare until I get snapped out of it. I don't know for how long but it can't be for more than 10 minutes. I just found out about catatonia and I show a few other symptoms. When I dissociate it's usually a lot more violent and delusional so I thought maybe it was something else. I haven't brought it up with my therapist because I just had a meeting with her before learning about this, am I just looking too deep into things?",Stress +49200,"headaches... and severe anxiety It feels like I'm going to pass out I know I won't but that's how bad it is some days. I'm trying to actively work on my financial situation which is causing me the most stress however I don't know what to do to get a second job cause most demand open availability but won't give you a lot of hours... + +It doesn't really help that I drink alcohol on my time off a couple days a week and come to work hungover twice in the past month to make the job easier. + +I mean seeing a therapist would be beneficial but I don't have health insurance for a few more weeks at least and it would worsen my financial situation. I'm looking into seeing if I can use one of my boyfriend's free counseling sessions he gets from his job cause I doubt he will use them (unless he needs them but it seems like right now he's doing fine and I'm an anxious wreck). I feel like I'm just not fully present and my mind is foggy more than half the time. Chronically tired no matter the amount of sleep I get. I take multivitamins and eat fairly healthy but I'm mostly on the go not really the type of person who enjoys big ass crowds but seems like I keep finding myself in them. I'm very close to having a public mental breakdown.",Stress +27436,"I get anxious because I am worried about bad things that I think may happen in my life. Im worried about losing my job, my girlfriend might leave me for someone more funny, with a better job, that is more self confident etc. You think these things because you perceive yourself to have no value. I get so preoccupied with these worries and it constantly undermines my self esteem that it applies to other areas in your life, even everyday interactions, going to the store, these can be extremely stressful events. You're so unconfident in yourself that you have a million thoughts a second and constantly second guess yourself.",Stress +28277,"It started off small, but it's getting larger and larger by the day to the point that I want to cry. All I want to do is sleep, but no matter how much I sleep, I'm still exhausted. I sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. I fuck up my school life by sleeping so much. Why am I still tired.",Stress +49037,"Sick all the time? Hi all, + +I'm always super stressed because of my job and the option of quitting or even taking a vacation just isn't possible right now. The problem is I'm literally always sick- before my previous manager left the stress was high and I was getting a cold or flu around once a month, but now it's almost every week or two that I gotta call of work for being sick. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this and if you have any tips that could help! + +Thanks!!",Stress +48699,"My mind & body choses flight instead of fight. I (26F), am going through it tonight. Honestly? I couldn't tell if my post belonged in the anxiety or rant subreddit, but I asked myself aloud, ""How do I feel?"", and my answer was: stressed. + +So, here I am. + +Crying and bawling my eyes out. 'Why?' you might ask. Well, I'll tell you a little bit about me...I am an overweight female who has gone through shit in my 26 years of living. My childhood was basically robbed of me, mainly because I witnessed fights and screaming matches between family members and a near divorce with the parentals. I was also bullied majority of my early childhood all the way through middle school. After all of this happened (and there was a lot more than that), I felt like I was forced to grow up and basically chose 'flight mode' to save myself. + +What I mean by that is, closing myself off. Staying in my room and coming out when I absolutely have to. I have a fear of being rejected, and being a failure. I am afraid of being yelled at for doing something wrong and I have a fear of getting into trouble and being reprimanded. + +I still live with my parents and I have no job because of just basically, being socially anxious. I stutter around people I don't know and that makes me even more anxious and self-conscious. I forget things easily and that in turn, furthers my fear of being incapable of a job. On top of that, I have trouble sleeping at night because thoughts run through my head a million times a second. Because of this, I wake up late almost everyday (at 11am). + +Just tonight, my mom basically dumped a, 'we need to talk' case on me and already I felt my blood run cold. She's talking to me but all I hear is my heart thumping in my ears. She tells me I need to work on waking up early because the rest of the world wakes up early like ""adults"". I felt very offended by that and told her that it's not my fault that I can't sleep properly at night. I, in fact, tell this to her everyday, so it's not old news. Yet, when I did remind her of this, she basically sighed and almost wanted to roll her eyes. Then she tells me I need a week to just 'work on myself' to fix that and realistically, thats not how that works but I didn't say anything. + +Then she tells me I need to find a job. Something that pays and that 70% of the world gets up and does a 9 to 5 job which I already knew. Now, I was starting think she thinks I'm lazy or something when it's absolutely not the case. + +Truth is, I have been getting together with my younger sister who is an artist on doing freelance stuff that we are both interested in doing. We have been talking about it little by little. I told my mom this and she didn't seem to believe me, basically looking at me with an expression of, ""Ohhh really like what"". + +So she asks, ""Okay, what have y'all worked on today?"" of all things she asks on the day me and my younger sister decide to take at least the day off from planning. I said, ""Well, we are taking a break today but I designed some stuff for xx and sended it to her and she reformatted and polished it up."" my mom seemed to deflate in a way that said, 'That was it?' + +Not gonna lie, it made me feel bad and then she went into a repeated 5 minute lecture on how we need to wake up earlier and start the day like adults. Meanwhile I'm here depressed, stressed and just over it at this point. Over the fact that she just doesn't understand at all. She says, 'I know you can do it. I know that.' + +But does she really? Anytime I do, 'do it', she seemes to be unsatisfied and that pushes me a million steps back. + +I get upset and after we finish talking, I go to my room to sleep (11pm at this point) and I just start bawling at how useless I felt and the whole, 'why is my life like this'. + +It took so much in me not to burst into tears in front of her but man my throat was tighrening so bad it hurt that I couldn't speak for a good few seconds. + +I don't know, I guess I just need some advice on the situation? Anytime I'm in this position my stress literally goes through the roof and I don't know how to manage it (like the need to runaway, disappear or worse). I really do want to work, I want to recieve a paycheck and get my own place and my own car and things, but why am I always on flight mode all the time?",Stress +48961,"tired of stress I know there will always be stress but wtf? Lately my life is about to roll me over. My job (cps investigator) has seen some of the worst abuse cases, my husband is having triple bypass surgery Tuesday and there is a good possibility he may not make it off the table and if he does, his recovery will be twice as long as normal. His untreated bipolar has led him to burn bridges with all his family so I am going to be the only caregiver. Next month is the 4 yr angel-versary of my only child's murder. I am finding it hard to find reasons to get out of bed anymore. I am in therapy and I am medicated. If it doesn't get better soon though, I don't know how much more I can take.",Stress +29770,"I can't stay standing, or even sitting for extended periods of time without severe consequences to my neck, and my head. And more recently have been experiencing heart trouble. I'm getting some doctors to look at me but they haven't found anything yet. I've literally been going with no money or insurance and bills are piling up. Since I cannot commit to any continuous work, I'm finding it impossible to make money.",Stress +48929,Overheard someone talking about how stressed they are which is making me feel stressed I overheard someone saying they are so stressed they can't sleep and get up about 5 or 6 times in the night which has mad me start thinking about stress and whether I feel stressed now I feel like I am starting to stress. Maybe just a long week because I missed a deadline and had tight shoulders.,Stress +29659,"All of these things were a slow burn, many of these things overlapped one another. I pushed through and finished my PhD, but now I'm worn, and after looking into it, I've realized that the psychological symptoms of stress I display are closely aligned with racism-specific PTSD. I've been through psychotherapy, but I'm not sure the therapist was adequately prepared to identify it, but I know for certain that I have PTSD. I want to begin healing now that I'm done with grad school. Where/how do I start?",Stress +49214,"Stress is or physical illness is there even a difference? Last year the past few months I had been suffering from stress - for me the physical symptoms are a tightness in the chest leading to a feeling of tension through my body. + +I finally went to a doctor and they diagnosed me - not with stress but pretty bad GERD. I took large doses of nexium for a few months - and wow - stress and tension gone. + +Has anyone else had this experience - where past stress is masking a physical illness or vice versa?",Stress +27798,"I think this is a good conversation to have in person, but I likely won't see him for months. Would it be tacky/wildly unromantic to do this over text/email? Additionally, I don't want to ruin things between us or make things weird, and I'm not sure how to broach the subject. How do I not screw this up? ---",Stress +28814,"I'm exhausted from just continuing to go to work. God I'm so tired... I know I'm so much further than I was a year ago. But it still sucks. But I know I'm getting happier, I am happy most days.",Stress +29664,"Only 7 years ago at the age of 9 I think I peaked in life. I was possibly the most fun kid in class and had no problem socializing with others. Used to be so happy then. Now I’m just known by everybody as the quiet guy who rarely ever smiles. Interacting with others (especially girls) is so hard, and I’m always so conscious about how I look.",Stress +28518,"But it seems like I'm also dealing with abandonment issues with my parents which has recently reemerged after coming out as transgender which they don't support. Unfortunately, I have Lyme disease and live with them because I'm too sick to do anything and they won't support my transition. I get the feeling that if I was healthy and I transitioned I'd never speak to them. I was reminded of PTSD from a comment on r/raisedbynarcissists/ and Borderline Personality Disorder was brought up. I don't know if it's a secondary condition or overlapping symptoms, but C-PTSD specifically was mentioned and that seems pretty accurate.",Stress +29259,"Someone else’s suffering ensued. I feel immense sadness and guilt now. I am confronted by the memories and the recognition that to this day the experience became part of who I am. It made me stronger, as facing fear and trauma can do. But I also internalized a sense of profoud fear and vulnerability.",Stress +48449,I feel like I can’t get rid of stress because it has benefitted me my whole life. Stress and anxiety has made me successful in the things that I do. But I’m also worried I may be stressing too much. Any advice on how I can get rid of stress even though I feel like I need it?,Stress +28741,"Background: This time last year I lost my job, got evicted and my car broke down all in the same month. Cut to today and I found out my site is closing and we'll all soon be out of the job. I just feel like a big ball of anxiety and like I can't quite turn my brain off. It's like the world beneath my feet is off and I'm doing everything I can not to cry. Sorry for the brick of text.",Stress +48776,"These headaches don't go away when they come on from stress. I feel great in the morning. Get to work and all the stress from stupidity and absolute zero communication stresses me to the point of migraine level headaches. Now I'm laying in a dark room and my head is pounding. Ibuprofen does nothing, nor any type of headache painkiller. I escalate these issues and it falls on deaf ears. I need a headache hack.",Stress +49363,"Is it okay that I did nothing over my month off from university? Hi all, thank you for stumbling upon this post. + +The fall semester ended for me in mid-December, and I resume for the spring semester in a week. I'm reflecting on the time I spent while having absolutely no academic, social, or financial responsibility... to say the very least, I'm not very pleased with how I dedicated my time. Much of it was spent sleeping, binge-watching shows, cooking, and staying inside. I did get some important things done, but I can't help but think, ""why couldn't I have done more?"" I had hoped to do some exploring or go out more frequently to enjoy the outdoors. I'm disappointed in myself for not doing so. + +At the same time, I'm reminding myself that I needed to not do anything for a whole month after a year and a half of consecutive working. This was my first break in a really long time. I'm just upset about how unwisely I spent it... I don't know. + +Any advice or comments?",Stress +29672,"No idea where to ask this on reddit. I've been having an unresolved noise problem (no help anywhere i looked) for a cool year now, meaning i havent slept in peace for a year. over the summer, i believe i developed tinnitus as a result of wearing headphones to bed and putting pressure on my ears, possibly also through earplugs and earphones as well. now i'm realizing the concession that i'm too poor to live alone off subsidized housing isnt nearly good enough. and i do need to move for many reasons.",Stress +29548,"and ""how could you let me do this?"" Although my family and friends will never see this, I'm here to answer the question: ""why?"" It wasn't as simple as some of my friends may think. I didn't magically wake up one day and think ""You know what, I think I'll let my abuser walk me down the aisle."" It's taken 5 years for me just to sit across from him and have dinner without having a full blown panic attack.",Stress +49175,,Stress +48758,"Changing Thoughts may cure anxiety and save your life I have seen a video named Stress is killing you by motivation 2 study + +but the idea is how you can change your thoughts",Stress +27918,"I got a very bad feeling but I at first ignored it. The babysitter was a man and someone I had never met! I was scared because I didn't know this man and I didn't understand why her Mother thought it was alright for a man to babysit 2 girls, one of them being a child he never had contact with. Her Mom proceeds to leave the house and we're there with this strange and creepy man. I was completely uncomfortable the entire time.",Stress +48577,"Constant stress about having a career Is it so bad that I just wanna be a SAHM. My parents are constantly asking me when I will get an accountant certification or degree, especially since I am 20. My aunts and uncles constantly ask me when I will start working because they say that one person working will be difficult if we try to save up money. Sometimes I feel like my peers look down on me for having a kid at a young age. I’m constantly being told that I have to get some of education, which I am but it’s not something that you can earn quickly. I am already struggling with my grades. Is it so bad that I am chilling at home for a bit and continuing my education at a slower pace. My childhood wasn’t the best and when I left home I had felt a weight come off of me. (I was a second mom for my five siblings) +My kid does not stress me like the outside world does.",Stress +48904,"don’t want to grow up i don’t want to grow up. the thought of becoming an adult is overwhelming. +the cost of living has risen so much, do you seriously expect me to be able to fund myself, a home and bills with minimum wage? +the pressure of needing to do well academically is stressful. i know im smart, but in regards to how smart i am in comparison to others my age. i feel i am nothing. +im strong minded and driven but im not inherently a genius, nor do i have the skill set of one. +i lack versatility, perseverance and self discipline. +i give up easy and lose hope upon the slightest bit of ‘failure’. +i do not have a large skill set and therefore rely too much of my ‘strengths’ compromising and over performing to make up for my inability to do well at other skills. +deep down i know the persistence to attend university is understandable but ultimately what does it leave me with? +debt? stress? no guaranteed job/salary to match my years of education? +i genuinely worry i will become a useless adult. +i have no doubt there’s far more capable people than me who have more potential who would be a better fit into society. +im currently young and beautiful but that will only get me so far. +even now i have overwhelming waves of sadness that make me feel sick to my stomach. i can’t imagine how ill deal with that as an adult. +i indulge in self pity too much which in turns only makes me feel more pity for myself as it makes me hyper aware of my existence and how lost i am. +though i am beautiful i feel that can only get me so far. my intellect feels inferior than those around me and i feel as if the best i will ever amount to is mediocrity. +though im not an adult yet im already theorising what to do with my life if i fail at becoming an one. + +edit: for people asking 16f, i have a job but it’s just fast food. im strongest in fields such as the humanities in particularly history and politics, literature, visual arts and textiles. however my weaknesses are maths (my head struggles to grasp anything that’s not basic math), and most sciences however i am passing my psychology class which i like.",Stress +29714,My current bf does not care about guy friends and trusts me to not put myself in a precarious position. When does this feeling of guilt go away? I cant spend the rest of my life working and spending time at home away from other people. The level of anxiety is near panic attack and occasionally leads to one to the point where I dont eat and barely sleep for days. TL;DR: feeling guilty over nothing from being conditioned in a previously abusive relationship.,Stress +48594,Move and Still Healing Podcasts To Listen To For Self-Care [https://movexstill.com/healing-podcast](https://movexstill.com/healing-podcast),Stress +49291,Hands Turning Cold When I get very stressed/nervous my hands go ice cold. How do you make this better?,Stress +27951,"It would take until my mid-twenties before I stopped letting people hurt me. But the trauma remains. I've become a successful professional, happily married, with a home and pets (no children, I'll never have children after what I survived). I've been out of therapy for almost 10 years but my coping mechanisms have been failing. I'm having breakdown after breakdown after the slightest trigger and there are SO MANY triggers!",Stress +28453,"My anxiety was never too bad, lots of what ifs and such. But every summer I come home from school, or it gets so much worse. I love school. I love learning computer science, I love working on my projects. But this small town has 0 CS options for jobs, so I'm stuck working these dead end temp factory jobs all summer.",Stress +49388,"Neighbor gave me a gift should I give back? It feels kind of awkward to be the only one to receive but if I offer something I'm afraid she'll perceive it as me just trying to be quits, which would be true but doesn't feel right",Stress +29353,"I was greeted by the message ""your Facebook account has been disabled...."" when I tried to log in couple of months back. I immediately sent an appeal and my ID proof from their forms but it's has been two months and no response from them. Basically the appeals are going to trash. This account was really important to me. Excluding family photos and memories, I owned couple of pages with huge fan following.",Stress +28544,"Dear reddit, For what I am about to tell you today is not a rant from a ""man"", but a voice of a concerned human being who happens to be male. Victims of domestic violence who are men are being laughed at and not taken seriously in today's society. It seems the society has made up their mind that men could not be victims of female violence because the male is ""much bigger"", therefore the male has some kind of ""agenda"" against the female. I was punched and slapped in the face two weeks ago by my wife who is 5'2 103lbs.",Stress +28523,After a few days I start to try to make plans with her to hang out or go out to eat even if its only for an hour or so. She ends up saying no almost all of the time and I'm getting to where I don't even ask because I feel bad that she has to say no. And this leads to me feeling lonely and unwanted. The part of this that doesn't feel fair is that she can ask to do something with me at anytime and I basically drop everything to go do whatever she wants. I say yes to literally every thing she asks because I just cant help myself not to.,Stress +49354,"Investigating the effects of early life experiences on stress related factors in adulthood Are you between the ages of 18-45 years old and want to participate in psychological research? + +I would like to invite you to take part in a multi-part research study investigating the effects of past life experiences on stress related factors; such as daily stress, ability to regulate emotions and sleep. To understand these relationships in the context of other important social, and psychological, factors such as social support and suicide behaviour history. To research this, we will ask you to complete a series of surveys across one week. This includes one initial 15 minute survey and then two 2 minute surveys per day for a 7 day period. Participants will have the chance to win Flexi eGift cards. + +If you would like to take part please click the link below: + +[https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK\_yhi77MRJc04](https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK_yhi77MRJc04) + +\*\*\*PLEASE ensure at the end of the survey that you submit your telephone number as you will not be able to proceed with the study. + +All research has been assessed and approved by the University of Leeds School of Psychology Ethics Committee. Reference number: PSYC-692, Date of approval: 07/12/2022.",Stress +27490,"Hi everyone I have GAD that gets much stronger/prevalent when I don't have enough sleep. Coincidentally, it also makes me unable to sleep sometimes, so kinda like a vicious circle. Normally, I don't really have that many problems with it but I just started a new fulltime job with a lot of responsibility and that triggered my insomnia and subsequently all the underlying fears. My doctor prescribed Xanax as a when-needed last resort but since I was really scared of withdrawal/addiction after reading up on the drug (it's not called Xanax here but alprazolam) I only started taking 0.5mg at night after really breaking down.",Stress +48471,"Small Survey on mobile games and stress Hi everyone! I am doing a small research survey (2 minutes) on how some mobile games can cause us to be a little too stressed - specifically looking for female players ages 25-55 from North America like myself. If you identify as a female, I would REALLY appreciate it so much if you can answer a few quick survey questions (it is completely anonymous) [https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17](https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17?fbclid=IwAR2m2DbjLP3-MrUYY9t7I2ghUN6077y-fMFOOELnW7mA8ctvNhV1Xuu62l0)",Stress +28651,"It does not help that my mom leans on me and only me emotionally, when it comes to my father who I don't have a relationship with and all their financial issues etc...I am dealing with a lot personally, and then on the outside there family stuff on top of me too, and I feel trapped honestly. I went to see a counselor in college and he thought if I got more of a routine going I would be fine, he also was extremely judgemental and scolded me for not coming into college regularly, he didn't believe me things I told him, so I left. I did go to a counselor about 12 times after the abusive relationship ended, I still felt vulnerable and scared leaving it that place and told her I don't feel ready to stop this. She said there was nothing more she could do. Now I am at the point where I feel like there is nothing nobody can do for me, I feel emotionally trapped and I don't know what to do, or where to go anymore.",Stress +48764,"How to stop getting angry and cope healthily? I’ve been putting it to the side thinking it’s not that serious and that i’ll be fine eventually. + +Well, for the past couple days everything is making me extremely angry and I never cry but I keep crying when I get too angry and then I feel sad. I haven’t dealt with sad feelings like this since I was a teenager. I know it’s stress causing it. I constantly feel a lump in my throat. It’s so scary because I thought I knew how to regulate my feelings. I mean at least I did for years. + +I want to just run away and hide alone and never see anyone again because i’m so frustrated. I need some tips on how to healthily deal with this before it’s too late. Thanks in advance :) + +Side note: I never take it out on anyone or anything like that. I’m scared I will snap someday and do that. That’s how my dad acts and I hate people who are like that and I really don’t want to be one of them.",Stress +27419,Any tips for making more friends? Tl;dr: I've had very few friends throughout my life. Recently I've tried reaching out to a lot of people but almost all of them will decline my offer to hang out at some point. I guess maybe this has to do with how I am socially awkward in the past but I've also been told that I am trying too hard. Any tips for making more friends?,Stress +29463,"I want to note that I told my husband that if he came to me and told me for his sanity he needed to leave, I'd do it even if it was dumb for us monetarily. Nothing is worth him being tortured and putting pressure on our marriage. I think the reason we get by is because sometimes we can get away with once a day torture from my mother, she also helps us a lot (especially me) and some days are ok. He just feels harassed and I understand this more than anyone because I feel the same way. .",Stress +48353,"How to manage stress while doing a speech? Tomorrow I’m doing a speech in front of 300 people. It’s my first time talking in front so many people and I’m really nervous. I’m basically a shy person so it doesn’t help. +Do you have any tips for managing stress in that situation?",Stress +29017,"I check my phone even though I know she won't reply. How do I get past this? Where did I go wrong? --- **tl;dr**: sent my friend a love letter, basically, and she never responded and then proceeded to block me on everything.",Stress +48939,"How being outside reduces stress I will explain why being outside is good for your health. Nowadays we are often indoors almost all day because of school and work. There’s not always something wrong with that, but you’ll probably feel a lot better if you go outside every now and then. + +**IT MAKES THE MIND CLEARER** + +Inside a house, study or workplace there are often many things that make you think about your work or study. There is nothing wrong with this, but it can ensure that you are constantly busy with your work or study. This may keep you thinking and living in your head instead of in the moment. In addition, there are all kinds of other distractions indoors that keep your mind from calming down. So go outside and enjoy the tranquility. + +**LESS STRESS** + +This tranquility automatically reduces stress. You are not busy with school, your work, or other things. As a result, you go out of your head and into the moment. This will also reduce your stress and reduce the risk of stress symptoms and complaints. In addition, physical exercise is also a great way to reduce stress. When you are physically active you can reduce stress. You probably also feel that when you exercise. And after you exercise you notice that your stress is reduced compared to before you started exercising. + +[(Originally from this blog post)](https://quintenvanommen.com/why-being-outside-is-good-for-your-health/)",Stress +29976,"I’ve been trying not to get triggered or stamping on the instincts to just leave the place and be silent. Even with that, I couldn’t even really keep a hold and have had hard days where I just wanted to stay isolated from the world and disappear in my mind and try to heal myself and it isn’t working. I struggle to sleep sometimes and I do struggle with self worth, being comfortable with myself because I just don’t see myself as someone who’s important to other ppl. I'm really unsure how to deal with it. Also, I'm not sure if I should tell anyone because that couldn't have happened right and it could not have been that bad?",Stress +28357,"Another time I had one was today in class. I was worrying about fainting because I fainted last week and didn't want it to happen again. Today I was feeling dizzy from worrying and I was thinking ""I need to get out of here."" I managed to calm myself down by taking deep breaths and closing my eyes before it got too bad. Can someone tell me if these were actually panic attacks?",Stress +28152,"I don’t know how it’s physically possible to be this anxious on this level of medication. To be fair my anxiety and racing thoughts about going back to the first employer are so bad that I can’t even really watch TV, so healthy coping mechanisms are pretty sparse. I’m really only posting this because I seriously can’t believe that a) I can physiologically sustain this and b) that I still have been going to work every day. I guess I come home and break down every day too, so there’s that. I wish so bad I hadn’t done that, and it’s like my brain is living in this loop of both regret and fear, as well as rage at myself for thinking that would be the answer.",Stress +28607,"I just feel really left out by someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends. Is it too late to say something? Should I even say anything at all? --- **tl;dr**: Friends threw a birthday party for themselves on my actual birthday, didn't include me as a 'birthday girl' but invited me to the party anyways.",Stress +49166,,Stress +28360,"I don't think I have the means of moving out. I got my review in Dec. and I was supposed to get a raise if I did well, but they gave me a bonus instead and I know I should be grateful I got anything but it wasn't what I needed and I can't get another job at the moment, nothing in the area is hiring for more than what I make at the moment. But I don't know what to do with my family. Just this morning I heard my sister telling my parents, they should like her more because she is the winner and I am not. I think she was talking about jobs - she recently got hired at a private university and is making great money, has excellent benefits, and could help her get her Masters.",Stress +27546,"So what I am asking is someone or somebody's to help me with the rest of the repair cost. The repair is 575 dollars, I have about 200 of that currently, I need to get this done soon before I am stuck on the side of the road with a broken down vehicle and spending unnecessary money on Ubers or Lyft. I'm willing to pay back monthly with acceptable interest until it's paid in full. I get paid bi-weekly at my full time job. Thanks in advance!",Stress +29967,"It wasn't a trap (like, wth?) and I just couldn't hide my emotions effectively. I know he has a lot on his mind lately and he's very anxious, but so do I, and I also feel it's unfair to him to use me as his emotional punching bag. I love the guy, but lately I've been thinking almost on daily basis whether to put an end to the relationship. I'm exhausted by his continuous lashing out and bullshit.",Stress +27753,I’m coming to find that my family are rapist sympathizers given the “right” circumstance (ie. sports). How would you want the media to change? What would make it easier to watch the news while also covering newsworthy topics? My head is in a fog still so hopefully that all made sense.,Stress +48717,"losing my mind im so stressed im so sad i have so many physical symptoms. i just tried acupuncture and left scared it made me way more anxious. i cant catch a fucking break. im starting a new job, i feel unable to work but if i dont my life will spiral downward. what do i do 😔😔😔😔😔😔",Stress +48770,"Alcohol and other unealthy behavior when i deal with stress I'm an highly stressed person and when i have a hard week, i tend to +1. Tell myself i'm not good enough and that I should do things quicker +2. Drink at least once in à week +3. Do unhealthy behavior when drunk then regretting it + +I'm drinking enough to lose sight of space and time for two hours. + +I'm healthy, i'm only eating meals that I Cook with non transformated ingredients and i'm fit (i run and i go to the gym 3 times à week). I love school and what i do, but there's a lot of pressure because we have classes even on saturday. + +I can't really talk to anyone about this. I tried méditation for a month, but while i was on vacation so it was easier. And i won't talk about it to my family because when i had anxiety attack : +- my dad didn't take me seriously and said i was à crybaby and i was overly dramatic +- my mother has zero reaction or find à way to talk about herself to say in à more subtile way i'm à crybaby and that she had it harder than me. + +Do you have any recommandation? I won't Try again positive affirmations because it didn't work in the past.",Stress +48296,"IT and anxiety I'm a software developer and work long hours sometimes. When I get a complex problem to solve I'm getting nervous and eventually had tension headaches lasting for the entire day. At this stage, I cannot solve a simple problem even 1 + 1. My entire head is overtaken by the pressure and there is no space for other thoughts. Antidepressants provide some relief but destroy my sexual life. This is a horrible way to live so I'm thinking to start a coffee shop and resign from IT. I really love IT and programming but my biochemistry just doesn't want me to be in there.",Stress +49327,"50 USD amazon voucher for 2min survey (student project) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 50 USD among all participants. Raffle will be on Wednesday. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48722,"Can stress cause missing hunger cues? I know stress can cause a lack of appetite, but can it cause hunger signals to disappear entirely? + +I have been dealing with an extremely stressful situation lately (on a waiting list for therapy atm). The stress has been making me feel I’ll (mostly low energy, sore/achy, headaches and stomach pain). + +I’m used to losing my appetite when stressed or grieving, but with this situation I haven’t even been feeling hungry. Like, I’ll go straight from fine to “my stomach hurts and is growling from being empty” with no warning. At the point when my stomach starts hurting, I force myself to eat something but it is difficult since my appetite is gone so nothing sounds good and it seems counterintuitive to eat when I feel nauseous. When I am able to eat, it is much less than I normally would. + +Is this a normal stress thing, and how can I deal with this without making myself sicker or ending up with an ulcer?",Stress +27745,"It's like Everyone else is allowed to be frustrated but me. So I use a lot of my UPT (unpaid time off; it's the ONLY time off we get, no vacation or anything) for my sister - her wedding (a whole fucking week), her kids' birthdays that she insists I be at, and things like their baptisms. And I know I use a lot of my hours on them, but overlook it because I love them and know they want to see me. But I only have 6 hours left, and each shift is 4 hours. I might have to use 4 of those today because the front of my house is flooded (there's a car stuck there and an officer blocking off people from entering), because I emailed HR and even sent in a picture but this company just doesn't give a fuck and probably won't cancel.",Stress +49366,"Post grad application and butter fingers I applied for a masters program in a field that I’m really passionate about. I was actually accepted into the program the year before but because of funding issues, I had to turn down the offer. + +This year I made sure to apply for many different scholarship and have managed to secure partial funding at least so it seemed like everything was looking up for me! + +Then last month my laptop was stolen (really scary situation that I’m not gonna into detail about) and I’ve had to email the university using my cell phone instead of my laptop like usual. I realized I’ve been sending draft emails through to the admissions office and associate prof while I was trying to save them and I genuinely just want to cry and give up. + +It’s such a stupid mistake and given the lack of response on the professor’s part I’m thinking this might ruin my chances. I was so proud of my personal statement and had really solid references but now I’m doubting everything about my application and myself. + +Edit: I received an offer and have chatted to the prof, everything is good now!",Stress +48426,"If you’re wondering whether adverse childhood experiences are negatively impacting you as an adult, you probably already know the answer. In my work as a hypnotherapist most of my clients are mature adults experiencing issues rooted in anger, anxiety, depression - or a mixture of these. Often, they are wondering if their present issues are linked to their childhood experiences. More often than not, the answer is yes. + +Research carried out since the end of the last century has led to a greater understanding of how adverse childhood experiences impact on long term wellbeing – both physical and psychological. The key findings are: + +· Childhood trauma is very common: even in so-called well-to-do areas. + +· There is a direct link between childhood trauma and chronic disease in adulthood. + +· The more types of trauma a child experiences, the greater the risk of them of experiencing social and emotional problems as adults. + +· Those who experience childhood trauma often experience more than one type of trauma. + +You can calculate your own ACEs score by responding to the following questions. Give yourself 1 point for each question where you experienced that category of trauma before your eighteenth birthday. + +1. Emotional abuse: Did a parent or other adult often or very often insult, demean, belittle, humiliate, verbally assault, or threaten to physically assault You? + +2. Physical abuse: Did a parent or other adult often or very often grab, slap, push, or hit You? + +3. Sexual abuse: Did a parent, adult, or someone at least five years older than you ever touch your body in a sexual way or attempt or have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with You? + +4. Emotional neglect: Did You often or very often feel that no one in your family loved you or thought you were important; or your family did not look out for each other, feel close to each other, and support each other? + +5. Physical neglect: Did You often not have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, had no one to attend to your medical and dental needs, or had no one to protect you? + +6. Loss of parent: Were your parents separated or divorced, or did you lose a parent for any reason? + +7. Domestic violence: Did You often or very often witness or hear violence between your parents or other adults where someone was being grabbed, shoved, slapped, hit, kicked, had something thrown a them, sexually attacked, or threatened with a weapon? + +8. Family member with addiction: Did You live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, who used illicit drugs, or who was addicted to any other substances? + +9. Family member with depression/mental illness: Did you live with anyone who was depressed or mentally ill, attempted or committed self-harm and/or suicide, or hospitalized for mental illness? + +10. Family member incarcerated: Did you live with anyone who went to prison? + +ACES Score (0-10) = + +As ACE scores increase, so does the risk of disease, social and emotional problems. With an ACE score of four or more, things start getting serious. While studies in different locations return slightly different results, the figures suggest around 11% of the population have experienced four or more adverse childhood experiences. + +Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. Resilience research shows that the appropriate integration of resilience factors — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives. Research in to post traumatic growth has identified five broad areas of growth: + +· greater appreciation of life, + +· closer relationships with others, + +· increased personal strength, + +· new possibilities in life, and + +· spiritual “development + +Which correlate very closely with the dimensions of wellbeing psychology: + +· Positive emotions + +· Positive engagement + +· Positive relationships + +· Positive meaning + +· Positive accomplishments + +· Positive health",Stress +48987,"I want to do so many things but have no time I work 25 hours a week at a clinic/remotely, am a part-time online MPH student, and am also working on several projects on the side. I feel like I have no time to pursue hobbies I once loved doing - learning new languages, playing the piano, cooking and baking. By the time, I'm done with work, all I want to do is watch TV and hang out with my pets. I have only 2 hours at the end of the day. Even socializing feels exhausting these days and I've been rather isolated. + +I have been recovering from surgeries this year (3 major ones) and I have still managed to stay busy. Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I'm a rather boring person lately, but I just am so drained. + +&#x200B;",Stress +49238,"Experiencing a physical stress symptom but don't feel stressed So I know I'm experiencing stress, because I'm getting a sensation in the back of my head (not quite a headache but a bit of discomfort), which has always been associated with stressful/anxious situations. It started occuring right after I started uni again, so that's probably the cause. The thing is though, I don't feel anxious or anything though, I just have this one symptom.. is this just as bad as being full-on stressed? Like will it age me the same amount that full-on stress will?",Stress +49258,"Feeling paralyzed Sometimes I feel so stressed that my body feels paralyzed. I can’t move, think, talk, feel, etc +Is it normal ? +And how can I deal with it?",Stress +49034,"Are You an Introvert with Anxiety? Anxiety. That emotion warning us something threatening is just about to happen. Life-saving when we are genuinely threatened, damaging when we become constantly anxious: anxiety is tiring – it is meant to be. We are only meant to be anxious for very short periods. When prolonged, it isn’t just tiring – it is exhausting. Sound familiar? + +Introverts. Those of us who prefer calm situations and environments. We prefer to re-charge on our own. We often enjoy losing ourselves in our own thoughts. We tend to have small, close-knit, social lives it doesn’t mean we’re anti-social! + +Not all introverts experience anxiety, and you don’t have to be an introvert to struggle with it. Many introverts deal with anxiety, though, so this is quite common. + +Here are the key signs you’re an introvert with anxiety: + +· You’re more prepared than most others because you’ve already thought through the worst-case scenarios. + +· You have a tendency to over-think things and pay too much attention to your negative self-talk. + +· You feel you always have to be doing something – being busy (which is often different from being effective) may be a means of trying to cope with the anxiety. + +· You tend to prefer routines to novel situations. While this can be fine for periods, boredom and unexpected issues arising can easily throw you in to a spin. + +· You’re often nervous without showing it – many become very effective at masking their emotions as a defence mechanism. + +· You are more likely to perceive situations as being more dangerous than they really are - anxiety primes us for the fight, flight, freeze response making us more likely to over-react to a low-risk situation. + +· You have tendencies towards perfectionism. This is often allied to beliefs such as ‘I need to please everyone’, ‘I need everyone to like me to be a worthy person’. + +· Nervousness can throw your chatter in to over-drive: while you normally only speak when you have something significant to say (and you’re normally sure of your facts before speaking), nerves can have you chattering away in an attempt to over-compensate. + +· You often have trouble sleeping – either getting to sleep a-tall, waking through the night or waking way too early + +Being an introvert with anxiety can be hard. Thankfully there is help at hand. Anxiety in its many guises is one of the most common issues Solution Focused Hypnotherapy therapists helps people with. + +*Ask yourself: What have I learned from this article that I will adopt today as my own? What is the one thing that has grabbed me, and what will I do about it NOW?*",Stress +48388,"Healthy ways to deal with constant stress? I mean constant. Never ending always there stress. Even when I’m relaxing, I’m stressed about the next day or something unrelated. I don’t know how to stop. + +I just started a job, I’m 18 so I thought it was time to work. I’m in a bit of a bad depression patch right now where I don’t wanna do anything even things I enjoy. My mom wanted me to do the job. We are about to spend 400+ dollars on things I need for the job so no going back now, I feel trapped. + +And the thing is, I like the job. I’m learning to be a dog groomer, but I’m so scared I won’t be able to have down time to unwind. School is already extremely overwhelming and hard to get through. How can I cope with this? I need help",Stress +49468,"Currently Enrolling Research Studies for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and/or Panic Disorder “Optimizing Exercise for the Treatment of Anxiety” + +The purpose of this study is to learn about the effects of different exercise regimens on anxiety and exercise engagement and adherence. If you are eligible for this study, you will complete a 2-month exercise intervention and 2 follow-up assessments (total duration 5-6 months). The exercise intervention will either include low intensity exercise only or a titration program in which you will start at low intensity exercise and work your way up to high intensity exercise. We also provide treatment referrals. + +**Key Eligibility Criteria:** + +* Adults ages 18 – 65 who have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and/or panic disorder +* Currently sedentary + +\* Your information will remain private. + +\* You will receive compensation for your time. + +To learn more about the study and to see if it is something you would be interested in and a good fit for, please fill out the following survey: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN)",Stress +28233,"I had no insurance but got expensive tests run to confirm that I was not having seizures. When that therapist suggested crystal healing I left and went to another one. After over six different therapists/psychiatrists I have received yet another diagnosis of PTSD, schizophrenia with mania, anxiety disorder, and depression. The meds are not working and I live in a small town where my mental health access has been exhausted. The last therapist told me after one visit that they ""aren't really equipped to deal with people like you (me).""",Stress +29614,"""What is nothing is real? What if everything is a figment of your imagination?"" I panicked, and grabbed the couch, but the voice inside me said ""It doesn't matter if you grab the couch, what is the couch isn't real? What if your house isn't real?"" At this time I called my brother, sobbing, and told him to get my mom.",Stress +48401,"Lower back, butt and leg pain due to stress? Has anyone else felt constant back & leg pain (or even general muscle pain on any part of the body due to stress? + +I have never had back problems, ever. Knock on wood, I’ve had no accidents, no sciatic issues, no joint issues, pinched nerve issues or broken bones etc. + +That being said, I’ve been undergoing a lot of stress lately. The pain has been building up for a few days but tonight, I’m experiencing increased pain! Feels like the origin is the right side of my lower back and the pain radiates down through my butt cheek into my calf (pain is not travelling to foot). It‘s not a sharp pain. It’s more of a gnawing, dull but steady pain. Feels as if I’ve been punched HARD several times in the said area and I only get a bit of relief if I curl up in my side in the fetal position. + +I found literature online saying that stress can cause these symptoms but I just find it so bizarre. Am I really that fragile thay stress could cause so much havoc? I’m in my 30s. No major health issues. I did have mild covid 1.5 weeks ago though. The only other thing I can think of is the fact that I’ve been sitting a lot due to studying for exams nonstop. Weird because I’ve spent more time sitting and studying in the past, but had no back issues at that time. + +I will be seeing my doc next Monday so I will update the chat but wow this pain is gnarly.",Stress +49146,"Do I quit a job with amazing benefits/retirement/vacation/pension? +I am on the verge of quitting one of the highest paying jobs I believe I will ever see in my life. Comes with retirement, vacation, bonuses, annual raises, pension, the list goes on… not to mention the insurance is free.. yes. FREE! That means for a 2000 dollar medical bill, I might pay… 12 dollars. +Why do I want to throw it away? +Because from the moment I started working here I’ve been over worked. I come home exhausted and often times I’m throwing up. My weight has declined dramatically. My sleep is not a regular sleeping schedule as I signed up for 3am-9am but the time is always changing. 2:15 start time? Sure! Next day 4 am start time? Why the hell not?! +My physical and mental health was far better when I was working as a subcontractor. Highly considering going back. Any thoughts?",Stress +48938,"Recent nearby shootings are making me scared of the fireworks right now Two shooting have happened directly in front of my apartment complex this year. I live in a city, population of 300,000 so not the biggest. The first shooting happened while i was at my friend/neighbor’s place 3 houses away, so i still Heard it and all the people running from the scene. 2 guys died, i know one was 19. +The 2nd shooting happened 2.5 weeks ago and this time i was sitting to the left of my open window that faces the street that the guy did the driveby. My next door neighbor was throwing a party, that led to a fist fight happening outside, and next thing i heard was 3 gun shots. I jumped so far forward off my bed and called the police, they told me they were already on the way. +The shots were so loud, sudden and disturbing to me. I’m too scared to be in front of my window cause i keep visualizing a stray bullet coming thru. +From a quarter mile distance there’s occasionally a banging sound that sounds like an automatic. It’s some kind of construction work, but i have no idea of what and on what exactly (it happens enough that I’m sure now it’s normal, but i can’t place what the hell it is ). The sound bothers me more now than ever, but i really need to keep my Window open for air circulation. +So onto now: the sound of fireworks has me having mini heart attacks every time. My AC is shit, i need my window open for air. My bed is directly beside my window that faces all the noise and every once in awhile I’m closing the window and will deal with the heat. Random fireworks have been happening all week and for some it sounds so indistinguishable from guns. I’m just stressed by it to an uncomfortable point now and just had to write it out.",Stress +29925,"I'm 20 years old and suffer with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and Insomnia. But my biggest struggle is my PTSD. When I was 17 i was stabbed in my neck, while i was asleep, by my brother. I remember everything so vividly. But i don't really want to get into all that right now.",Stress +27781,"We couldn’t have Thanksgiving because of money struggles in the family. I am here begging and pleading for help to get some food in our cupboards to help hold us over as long as we can. I’m counting down the days until tax season so we can fill up the pantry! We receive about $700 each year from the Wisconsin Homestead Tax Credit which is what we use to catch up on bills, prescriptions, and to stock up on food. It’s extremely heart wrenching when my own mother or grandchildren cannot have a bowl of cereal because there’s no milk and guess what, no cereal.",Stress +48459,,Stress +29216,"I asked him how he's doing to fund this, if there are any bursaries and if so, how much these are, but he never gives a clear answer. --- **tl;dr**: Boyfriend is unemployed, looking for 'perfect' job until he starts his Medicine degree, unsure how he will fund this degree. I resent him for poor financial judgement and day-time chilling. How to change this?",Stress +48808,,Stress +27571,I’ve put my family through it too many times and it’s putting a strain on my relationship. I’m not who I used to be. And because of that I’m afraid people are going to leave me. My partner especially. He’s seen me go through this before and I’m afraid he’s going to give up on me.,Stress +29496,I wonder about that night. Did you ever get past that night? Did you have other nights like that? Did anyone ever ask if you were okay? Do you forgive me?,Stress +29154,"I'm scared to start the eviction process but I NEED to protect myself and my son. Hell, im even scared to ask this asshole to take the trash out. I don't know what to do. I feel like an empty shell of a person with no strength to get out of this mess. This is mostly a rant but does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement?",Stress +48873,"https://onlinemkt.org/stress-and-alcohol/ Alcohol should not be used on all occasions to have fun. You must be able to relax and have fun without drinking. #stress #alcohol + +https://onlinemkt.org/stress-and-alcohol/",Stress +29783,"My mom finally had a response, basically my brother works very hard (and he does, he does manual work, which I know is very hard) but nothing regarding me. I don't know what to do- maybe I am overreacting but I don't know. P.s. my brother stays out of everything, he is kind and asks me questions but doesn't play games with my sister and is usually out of the room doing something. **tl;dr**:I feel like no matter what I do - my family is disappointed at me and if I ask to not be fun of it just gets worse.",Stress +49105,"Why am I so stupid? why isn't this working out for me? I feel so shitty and stupid. I have to start studying history but it usually takes me way too long to finish a single chapter. Hours. And that's cause I get easily distracted by my thoughts or other outside factors anywhere I am. It happens anywhere and I don't know how to fix it. I can't concentrate, I read a sentence out loud but think I don't know it well of won't remember it well enough so I keep repeating it again and again and again and again and it takes way too long. Other study so fast and easily. Why am I so stupid? Why can't I concentrate??? Why the hell am I like that, why is everyone doing so much better than me??! I used to do so much well at the start why am I taking a turn for the worse??. In 2 months I'll be writing a huge national exam and I can't keep going like this",Stress +27717,"I was trying to eat my food but my hands became shaky and i then didnt feel hungry. People kept asking me why my hands are shaky, and the people across from me laughing at me. Idk what to do, ive worked here for 3 years but i just cant get over my anxiety. I just hate having meetings and celebrating with co workers. I havent been diagnose for anxiety disorder but i want to been on medication?",Stress +48385,"This is probably strange but… When ever I’m stressed for some reason I picture a giant coin forever flipping towards me. It doesn’t move, but sits in darkness just flipping. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, I feel like my vision is actually obscured by this coin, and I dream about it to. And it’s a slow dream, not like a quick regular dream. Just wanted to write this down, and ask if anyone else has something your mind goes to when your stressed like the coin?",Stress +27653,"Does anyone have any advice? I feel pretty hopeless right now. I want desperately to be with my partner, and I suspect even if our relationship ends I will always love and care for him very much. I don't want to spend my life wishing I was with him, but be too overcome with my anxiety and fear to do so. It is discouraging to feel as though my ex-boyfriend is still inside my head and controlling my life.",Stress +29948,"Not actually losing my home at the moment, so so far not in danger of homelessness, but I figured this was the next closest place to ""Tips for Poor as Fuck People"". We're losing cable tomorrow or the next day unless we come up with money we don't have. Losing the internet is brutal, but losing phone service is going to be the real problem. I'm in the middle of a series of surgeries over the course of a year with the final one being a month out. In really shitty medical condition...and now I am going to be cut off from getting messages from any of my doctors, surgeon, or infusion clinic.",Stress +28349,"She approached me and started to say something but I interrupted saying, “If this is about my phone, I am under no obligation to share with you anything that is spoken between me and a therapist, and I do not care that this is during work, I have an emergency number to call at any time when I feel like I have to, and I felt like this was important as I don’t want to go back to the psych ward.” She stopped and just said “oh, ok sorry.” I understand that this may be a negative on my performance at work, and I may not be entirely right, but I have cut myself at work (not during work but after shift and right outside at my car) and the way I was feeling I needed emergency counseling. I have tried to have a conversation with her before about how I was feeling, but it didn’t go so well since she felt like I was being rude, so while I am open to trying again, I want to know how I should go about it again and/or should I get the manager involved? Thank you for reading and I appreciate any and all responses.",Stress +49381,"2023 sucks so much for me right now. My PC suddenly stopped working, the computer shop guy possibly scammed me, and last night, I was in the middle of a (possibly) gang shooting. I never thought I would see a gunman shooting in public, but there he was, pointing in my direction (possibly at a fleeing car that flew past me). Like, shit man, why is all this stuff happening to me all of the sudden.",Stress +27826,"Should I just go ahead and get help? Am I worried about nothing? Is there a way to lose the worst bits of anxiety while keeping the bits that are perhaps somewhat helpful? Or have I got this all wrong and it's not anxiety (but perhaps something else) that makes me productive, etc? Or should I just accept all the awesome things in my life as a totally worthwhile price for feeling worried?",Stress +48290,,Stress +28779,"-I don't have any relief in my symptoms and am concerned that I've wasted an entire year of my life I'm concerned that I not leave this relationship too soon, but at the same time, I'm paying for this therapy, I have repeatedly brought up questions about goals in my sessions, and don't feel like this is the right fit...unless I need to open up more. I chose her initially because she was covered by my insurance less because I felt like she was the right match. Do I stick this out? I have started to fantasize about having a new therapist, because then I could start over and feel heard.",Stress +49283,"Sense of fear Have you ever felt a sense of fear that seemed to take over your body and mind, leaving you feeling helpless? Fear can be a paralyzing emotion, preventing us from moving forward in life. But what if there was something you could do about it? What if there were ways to get rid of the sense of fear? + +In this article, we will explore practical tips and techniques for overcoming feelings of fear. Whether your fear is rooted in an event or situation from the past or stems from current worries and anxieties, these strategies may help you ease your fears so that they don’t control your life. + +We’ll discuss how to identify triggers, use self-talk to reframe thoughts, practice relaxation methods such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, reach out for support when needed, and more. So let’s dive into learning how to manage fear and gain peace of mind: + +[https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/](https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/)",Stress +29232,"I was the designated driver for my parents and grandmother at Greek restaurant that was having a private wine tasting. There was some belly dancer there and for whatever fucking reason my mom started telling me to go dance with her. I told her I didn't want to, she kept pushing me. When my answers did not satisfy her, she called the belly dancer over and told her to dance with me. I froze up briefly then just fucking left the restaurant.",Stress +28807,"I have no one to relate with, and if I can't get around it, I'll be eventually separated because I can't afford to fail another PFT because of it. I'm not here for sympathy about what lead to my anxiety. I want to put that out there. And I'm not sorry if anyone gets offended by my dark sense of humor. That's the only way I've found temporarily deal with it.",Stress +28760,"That was easy, I was probably anxious about my health because I lost a very close relative when I was 11. The second step was to identify when my health anxiety episodes were taken place. Checking my records of doctor visits, I could see that my health anxiety manifests after a stressful period in my personal or working life. The stressful period would cause some psychosomatic symptoms and would trigger my health anxiety. Another trigger would be something I heard about someone dying or getting sick or reading about a rare illness.",Stress +49170,,Stress +49241,"Take part in 2minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +27736,He wouldn't take me to the hospital but I could feel the gaping wound in the back of my head and the hole in my lip my tooth had done. He kept packing. So I called the police. I couldn't see out of my left eye and clearly couldn't drive and felt I had no other option. The police department chose not to press charges.,Stress +29414,"He wants me to study abroad in Europe after undergrad, then return and work for the government in economics. I don't mind the Europe part, but I have zero interest in working for the government and am absolutely shit at economics and I've told him so. No matter how many times I express my lack of interest, qualification, or skill at economics, he ignores me and continues to push this path. It wasn't like this was something he's pushed on me my whole life - it's like he came up with this plan for me when I turned 18, and now is obsessed with it. I really don't know what to do.",Stress +48543,"How do I learn how to control/ get rid of stress when there are so many things which could be causing it I’m 13 and for the past 5 months , since august, I haven’t been able to sleep properly and my period has completely gone and my hairs falling out a lot and I’m positive it’s because of stress . The problem is idk what actually causing my stress because I have so many problems + +I’ve had blood tests and they just said I have anaemia (low iron). + +I’m always anxious when I can’t sleep because I start ruminating about the consequences of poor sleep and that makes it harder to sleep but idk if that anxiety around sleep is causing my stress + +Even when I do have a good nights sleep I still feel nervous and can’t seem to calm down I’m always stuck in my head and can’t seem to enjoy the present moment because I’m always listening to my negative thoughts + +There have been so many things wich overwhelm me , like my moms 39 weeks pregnant with her 6th kid and my parents don’t have time to give me attention and they don’t believe that I’m struggling mentally. +And I’ve recently had a fall out with a friend and now she’s spreading rumours about me and my sister keeps body shaming me when I’m already struggling with body image and calories + +Everything makes me feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know how to cope anymore I have no adults I can tell this to except my parents who don’t give af and I have no family where I live + +Can someone pls give me advice",Stress +29802,"I'm scared, and I've been on edge for the past few days. He has two 4th degree felony charges and I'm so worried that lack of evidence will push the judge to reconsider his charges. My ex is claiming self-defense, even though I wasn't attacking him. I'm way too small of a person, it doesn't even make sense. He towers over me, how does he expect people to believe him?",Stress +28887,"During my service I got suddenly rowdy and would fight a lot with marines and civilians that resulted in many nights in jail. I have been to captains mast twice (Inciting a riot, breach of peace, destruction of government property). Today I sometimes I call in sick because I have pauses I call them where I can’t seem to be too far from home or I get a sudden feeling of not being safe or keep my family safe. I have a million excuses why I cannot do something or go somewhere. I can’t fly, I can’t sit in the center of a crowd I must be by the door and there has to be more than one door.",Stress +49436,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48617,"FCK CAN I GET A FCKINF BREAK HOLY SHT Okay well. Every time I get a job a get sick. My immune system hates stress and work stresses me out. No matter how easy it is. I hate having my life controlled by capitalism yata yata yata. My thing is I need to SLEEP. I’m going to buy weed, ashwaganda, and magnesium, and cherry juice to fcking sort this out. I also can’t get a good sleep cus I live with my mom. Jesus Christ we hate each other and it’s actually awful breathing the same air as her. I want to move into my grandmas house but my cousins aren’t as welcoming. I just bruh and I’m still enrolled in college even though I haven’t gone in months. I genuinely hate life and I just don’t know bro I can’t live any more with this torture",Stress +48608,"Looking for techniques to help with stress I am aware of the common things like exercise, meditation, breathing exercises. These don’t seem to help me enough and I’m curious if there was something someone tried and maybe were surprised it helped their stress. Thanks so much in advance.",Stress +29065,"Also, you’re incredibly ditzy and that gives off the idea that you’re stupid.” Last week, she rudely corrected me in front of a patient and then rolled her eyes and shook her head. The patient leaned into me and said, “What the heck was that about?” I finally got fed up and went to my boss. This coworker is very manipulative and loves to gaslight me. She will say or do something mean and then when confronted, will deny the behavior and go off on all the things she saw me do “wrong” (basically stupid shit that is none of her business anyway. I sneezed into my elbow once and she lectured me on washing my hands.",Stress +48884,Why Music’s Better Than Drugs for Anxiety [https://blog.siriusxm.com/relax-collection/](https://blog.siriusxm.com/relax-collection/),Stress +49349,"Nobody listens Nobody listens to the words I say +Only pipe up when I have to pay +Everyone talks over me +Then I get asked why I'm not acting like me + +Only care when I'm acting recluse +Not caring when I feel like no use +Not speaking up when I feel out of place +Only making me feel like a waste of space + +I know this is too much to handle +But I feel like I must be like a candle +Melt away all the excess waste +Find a smile to put on the new face + +credit to Twitter / @onlyhumans65",Stress +48531,"How is stress and difficult emotions coped with⚡ # There are many different ways to cope with stress and difficult emotions. Some strategies that may be helpful include: + +# 🏴Engaging in relaxation techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Exercise: Regular physical activity can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Connect with others: Spending time with loved ones or participating in social activities can help you feel supported and reduce feelings of loneliness. + +# 🏴Seek support: Consider talking to a mental health professional or joining a support group to discuss your feelings and learn coping skills. + +# 🏴Engage in activities you enjoy: Doing things you enjoy, such as hobbies or creative pursuits, can help distract you from stress and provide a sense of accomplishment. + +# 🏴Practice good self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in stress-reducing activities. + +# 🏴Set boundaries: It's important to set limits and make time for self-care to prevent burnout. + +# Remember, it is normal to feel stressed or overwhelmed at times. It is important to find healthy ways to cope with these emotions and seek support when needed. + +# [ taken from r/on_therapy ]",Stress +49247,"I’m starting to get frustrated with my limits I started getting stress symptoms back in April last year. It escalated in October, in November I went on sick leave from work until start February. I started work part time, and I really want to just be okay again. I was at work yesterday and today I’m a bundle of anxiety. Restlessness, can’t calm down, easily irritated, increase in chronic diseases, and exhausted. I’m so mad about it too, because it was a really good day at work yesterday too, I just overdid it. And i feel like it was so little that I did. It makes me feel like such a burden. I wanted to increase my hours, but I know I will struggle. + +I just needed to went.",Stress +48923,"Would you be stressed? Just bought a house. Had 60k cash a few months ago, 17k now after closing and a new AC install. Business is slower than I'd like. I'm self employed. + +Have a toddler, 16 months old. + +Have 30k in credit limit to ""fall back on"" if things go that far. + +Wife is now looking for a work from home job. + +I can't wake up without anxiety to do do do. Fear it's not going to be enough and we'll lose the house. + +I hate making money",Stress +49343,It’s not gonna be long before I have see a therapist As by the title yes I may need to see a therapist soon for what reason you might ask well here a little background so me and my girlfriend have been dating a whole 9 months her birthday is tomorrow and Valentine’s Day is literally right around the corner and I’m trying to focus on school and she’s clingy as hell which means I barely get to have my own personal space somedays I don’t even get to handout with the boys because of her and school not to mention I’ve got crap tons of homework everyday that I do and don’t do mainly because I stay up playing video games thinking on how I can be a better boyfriend to her and I’ve even gone some nights not eating and overall I’ve just got a shit ton of stress and I feel like shit every day and it’s hell 😭😭😭,Stress +28403,"I have a day off from school and I was going to walk about 3 miles, from Sun City to the lakes of Menifee today (to get a free phone because I am on EBT and my phone broke recently). I have not eaten breakfast or any food for a while. I know I have asked and received before and I am grateful but I don't think mentally I can handle not eating something today. Help or no help, Thank you for reading my message, hope you have a good day!",Stress +29456,"I can't tell if that's me being a toxic person or not, and I feel guilty for feeling relieved. We were such good friends once, but I have to admit we hadn't talked about art or writing (the things that made us friends) for years. My anxiety has muddied the waters, and maybe all my shit and all my emotional abuse crap did ruin everything and it was all my fault. Maybe I did end things because I'd felt blamed for 2 months straight and just wanted to get away from the anxiety it was all causing me. Maybe I should have been the one to grovel, because I'd fucked up so bad over the situation.",Stress +48592,,Stress +28199,"Now the past week, anxiety has hit harder than it's ever hit before. I'm checking snapchat scores, social media activitiy, last active etc which i know is already grounds for unhealthy relationships. The problem is when we were together, and whilst we were texting chat its absolutely perfect until the past week. The texts are shorter, my messages are being ignored (she's online but not reading my message) for hours on end, there's no good night / good morning message, it's all very limited and short. I've tried to challenge her on it as a means of settling my anxiety but this was met with a touch of hostility, in that 'yes everything is fine, i don't need to be in constant communication with you,' but I'm just so concerned that she's pulling away or losing interest and its all falling out of my hands.",Stress +29523,"This has *obviously* created some crushing tension in the apartment, with no one really having to go other than work during the day. (We've all recently moved to the area and don't really have family/mutual friends to stay with.) Flash forward to last night...I'm asleep on the couch and she comes in at 1AM, blackout drunk, shakes me awake violently to tell me of the Tinder date she just got back from and how awful it was. But the guy she had sex with last night was pretty good, etc. This goes on and on, turns to threats of violence against me for uprooting and throwing her life into whack.",Stress +27720,"Kinda interesting how even when I’m not feeling awful, tiredness still makes me ruminate and feel angry. Hm. I wonder if it’s the biological sleepiness or if it’s kinda a pavlovian response because I’m so used to having terrible feelings when I sleep? Probably kinda both. Anyway, how are you all doing?",Stress +48444,,Stress +29935,"I got as far as Illinois when he ghosted me after urging me to leave in the first place. I've been going between three different friends who know I'm homeless but think I'm 19. I want to go to school, get a job to buy my own stuff, and get on with my life. I don't think my mom is looking for me, but I still need her signature to go to school. I don't want my new friends to get arrested for harboring a runaway youth as well.",Stress +49288,"I hope this makes you feel better Society expects us to have kids, house, nice car and a “successful” career to be “happy”. + +We’re brainwashed into following this “dream” right from school and put ourselves through great deal of stress pain and suffering. + +Unless you’re born into wealth you have to give your life away and work for someone else’s dream with the tales that one day you will have the same amount of wealth and along the way you’re reminded how far away you are and compare yourself to others that have just that bit more than you. + +You sacrifice your life, freedom, health, relationship all for some pocket change and a supposed wealth while others are milking from your sacrifice this making you feel like a failure, feeling like that dream is further and further away. + +It’s a mindset you need to teach yourself, a mindset where your head is clear and at every obstacle you need to tell yourself no matter what it is that you’ll be fine because LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT and then when your health suffers all of these aspirations and dreams do not matter. + +I’ve been incidentally diagnosed with cancer - was very lucky as they’ve cut it out fairly quickly, only 3 nights in hospital, painless procedure. I’ve won a lucky dip with life because it was nothing, but seeing people who care about me being so upset was a horrible experience. + +I wanted them to be happy and stop worrying because I’ve never thought much of myself then why would they? Because I am nothing, I am not worth anything, low self esteem, never had any aspirations, goals, only liked cars, wasn’t very social, couldn’t really talk to people and sat in my own head alot. + +Showing how much those close to me cared for me made me change. When I lay in hospital my head was clear, didn’t worry about work, buying a house, savings or career. Only my family mattered and that’s how I’ve learned this mindset and began adapting my life around it, got rid of as much finance as I could, paid off my phone, sold the BMW bought a cheap Fiat for cash. Financial freedom helped with not worrying about money. Began saving money for a deposit for my new house in the future. + +I keep reminding myself to enjoy the little things in life, going for a walk, going to a gym or even buying something fancy to eat here and there on my weekly shop, going restaurant and getting a carbonara or a new phone case. I’ve started eating healthy and looking after my health. I feel happy, proud of myself and I live week by week. + +Of course I am aware I am very lucky and not everyone has the same opportunities in life and do not wish to upset anyone by this post. I hope this helps someone to find their path in life.",Stress +28614,That completely threw me. I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult to cope. I'm crying frequently for some reason and I don't know why. I haven't done the whole uncontrollable crying thing since my last episode which was all the way back in November 2016. (I spent 2017 learning to shut down my emotions so crying had become a thing of the past.),Stress +28908,"I've been homeless for a couple days since my roommate completely screwed me by not paying rent for 5 months and hid notices from me. I only had a week to move out, and get things into storage. I was able to find a roof to sleep under for a short time but it's severely roach infested and I have to sleep on the floor. There isn't anything availible at my price range, certainly not on that short of a notice. I had a few prospects but they went to other people.",Stress +28273,"I find myself curious if any of you have experienced a partner who with holds sex and affection as part of their abuse pattern. I mostly read about men who force or otherwise guilt/manipulate their partners to have sex. My situation is different. My husband refuses to touch me. If I try to initiate sex which I have done many times in the past, he will flat out push me away.",Stress +48302,"Stressing about Studying I am in my mid 30s and have just been given the chance to do an extra year and a half of study in a different University. The degree that I have was more theory based and I really need hands on experience to be employable in my field, which I now have the opportunity to do alongside guaranteed internships and portfolio work. + +My stress levels are currently through the roof about this, as I am worried that I won't be able to match the calibre of current high school leavers, who, even though treated as adults at University, still seem to have that high school mentality. My main issue is, even though not permanent, the dorm style accommodation and the fact that an ""old"" person is living with basically a teenager, although I did apply for a single room with a shared bathroom, so maybe not so bad. + +Usually I wouldn't have a problem with this, but already having experienced this with not much success, I am now stressing immensely. I'm not there to be anybody's friend, but the way I have been treated in the past, just for being a little older has been disgusting. There is not much available accommodation at all in the country, so looking for anything else is currently out. + +Honestly, I think I'm just stressing because I'm over 30 and feel like I still don't have my life in order, with another future gap in my resume. + +Please tell me I'm going to be ok.....",Stress +29112,"If you intervene he will stoop down to the lowest level cursing his sons out with the worst imaginable. First the obvious question, is this domestic abuse? Domestic violence? Am I imagining this or blowing it out of proportion? I'm in Canada, are there any legal avenues we can use to end this?",Stress +48417,"Here are some tips for coping with work stress &#x200B; + +1. **Take breaks:** Make sure to take regular breaks throughout the day to help you relax and recharge. +2. **Prioritize tasks:** Focus on the most important tasks and break them down into smaller, manageable tasks. +3. **Practice self-care:** Take care of your physical and mental health by getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well. +4. **Seek support:** Talk to friends, family, or colleagues about your stress or consider seeking professional help. +5. **Practice mindfulness:** Take a few moments to focus on your breathing or meditate to help reduce stress and increase focus. + +***Remember that managing work stress is a process, so be patient and kind to yourself as you find what works best for you.*** + +&#x200B; + +**Have any other in mind? Do share your views in the comment section below.**",Stress +30010,"He certainly had/has the ability to. The worst/best part of this story is that I am still with this prick, trying to get away safely. Best part is that my story may be horrifying enough to convince women in an early stage DV situation to run before it escalates to my story. After the 2nd severe incident, I called family who took me to the ER. Had lots of tests done.",Stress +49182,"Stressing about Studying I am in my mid 30s and have just been given the chance to do an extra year and a half of study in a different University. The degree that I have was more theory based and I really need hands on experience to be employable in my field, which I now have the opportunity to do alongside guaranteed internships and portfolio work. + +My stress levels are currently through the roof about this, as I am worried that I won't be able to match the calibre of current high school leavers, who, even though treated as adults at University, still seem to have that high school mentality. My main issue is, even though not permanent, the dorm style accommodation and the fact that an ""old"" person is living with basically a teenager, although I did apply for a single room with a shared bathroom, so maybe not so bad. + +Usually I wouldn't have a problem with this, but already having experienced this with not much success, I am now stressing immensely. I'm not there to be anybody's friend, but the way I have been treated in the past, just for being a little older has been disgusting. There is not much available accommodation at all in the country, so looking for anything else is currently out. + +Honestly, I think I'm just stressing because I'm over 30 and feel like I still don't have my life in order, with another future gap in my resume. + +Please tell me I'm going to be ok.....",Stress +30090,"The few days following this I was a wreck, an absolute mess. Crying at work, shaking, anxious, sweating, and couldn't eat. Through the week I wound up losing nearly 6lbs and have been everything from manic depressed to furious, to scared out of my wits to utterly confused aaand all the way back around again. The other night I told him I needed an answer. WHAT are we doing?",Stress +49297,"Here are some tips for coping with work stress &#x200B; + +1. **Take breaks:** Make sure to take regular breaks throughout the day to help you relax and recharge. +2. **Prioritize tasks:** Focus on the most important tasks and break them down into smaller, manageable tasks. +3. **Practice self-care:** Take care of your physical and mental health by getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well. +4. **Seek support:** Talk to friends, family, or colleagues about your stress or consider seeking professional help. +5. **Practice mindfulness:** Take a few moments to focus on your breathing or meditate to help reduce stress and increase focus. + +***Remember that managing work stress is a process, so be patient and kind to yourself as you find what works best for you.*** + +&#x200B; + +**Have any other in mind? Do share your views in the comment section below.**",Stress +28202,"It seemed like there was no recognition of my emotional state and like he just wanted me to be quiet. That scares me. He claims he was trying to help comfort me, but I really am having trouble believing that. This is the second time something like this has happened. The first time was when we were arguing and it was getting really heated.",Stress +29739,"He also talked very condescendingly to me and the other female servers, as well as being a total arse in general. I wanted to say something SO badly, but by the time I worked up the courage, he took her arm and led her to their car. Also, I didn't want to make things worse for her by sticking up for her in public. I wrote down their license plate number and car model, but I did not get the chance to see the name on the card he paid with. I really want to reach out to this woman.",Stress +49423,"How do I learn how to control/ get rid of stress when there are so many things which could be causing it I’m 13 and for the past 5 months , since august, I haven’t been able to sleep properly and my period has completely gone and my hairs falling out a lot and I’m positive it’s because of stress . The problem is idk what actually causing my stress because I have so many problems + +I’ve had blood tests and they just said I have anaemia (low iron). + +I’m always anxious when I can’t sleep because I start ruminating about the consequences of poor sleep and that makes it harder to sleep but idk if that anxiety around sleep is causing my stress + +Even when I do have a good nights sleep I still feel nervous and can’t seem to calm down I’m always stuck in my head and can’t seem to enjoy the present moment because I’m always listening to my negative thoughts + +There have been so many things wich overwhelm me , like my moms 39 weeks pregnant with her 6th kid and my parents don’t have time to give me attention and they don’t believe that I’m struggling mentally. +And I’ve recently had a fall out with a friend and now she’s spreading rumours about me and my sister keeps body shaming me when I’m already struggling with body image and calories + +Everything makes me feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know how to cope anymore I have no adults I can tell this to except my parents who don’t give af and I have no family where I live + +Can someone pls give me advice",Stress +27567,"All these sexual abuse accusations, while wonderful to see so many men and women coming forward about sexual abuse, I just can't escape it. So much victim blaming, the increasingly clear proof that many men do not actually understand what consent means, it's just too much. I haven't left the apartment in days and the only reliable form of self medication is too expensive (weed). I'm also autistic so I've noticed it's also overstimulating me to the point I'm hiding. It's just too much and I thank you for reading my vent.",Stress +48483,"Is it okay that I did nothing over my month off from university? Hi all, thank you for stumbling upon this post. + +The fall semester ended for me in mid-December, and I resume for the spring semester in a week. I'm reflecting on the time I spent while having absolutely no academic, social, or financial responsibility... to say the very least, I'm not very pleased with how I dedicated my time. Much of it was spent sleeping, binge-watching shows, cooking, and staying inside. I did get some important things done, but I can't help but think, ""why couldn't I have done more?"" I had hoped to do some exploring or go out more frequently to enjoy the outdoors. I'm disappointed in myself for not doing so. + +At the same time, I'm reminding myself that I needed to not do anything for a whole month after a year and a half of consecutive working. This was my first break in a really long time. I'm just upset about how unwisely I spent it... I don't know. + +Any advice or comments?",Stress +29125,"And godforbid I see an insect anywhere near me, even if it’s through a car window, jar, or whatever… oh boy, I get VERY anxious. Sometimes I have never ending anxiety that lasts for multiple days, and flares up at the worst times. And if I drink caffeine, oh man, that makes it even WORSE. Nicotine withdrawal can compound this sometimes, increasing my anxiety twofold, and, ironically, making me too anxious to go out to smoke; which causes a vicious cycle that while temporary, can really fuck me up for the time it’s going on. I’m wondering what I can do.",Stress +29520,"But then i couldn't think straight. now i get flashbacks in school. I used to enjoy quantitative courses but now i get tension headaches from the flashbacks, and feelings of horror and hyperarousal. I just feel so violated and disturbed that it was for fear of his violence that i didn't close the door - and that he was watching me! My vagina feels tension too, which i read from a PTSD book is a common symptom.",Stress +48423,This article has been really helpful on anxiety disorders and how to control an episode [https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/](https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/),Stress +48827,"Laughing and smiling when less stressed All my life I've been stressed, but today I was sitting in a quiet room for a while, ate a popsicle, and then I suddenly started smiling and laughing, like I couldn't control it. It feels like a lot of weight has been lifted. Is this normal?",Stress +29322,"I do have intense anxiety to the point it affects my daily life and prevents me from performing the smallest tasks such as making a phone call to get an appointment. However, I do not know if my anxiety is a result from what had happened to me as a child or me experiencing unpleasant experiences in highschool. I just know that my rape makes my anxiety worse sometimes. I do get triggered by anything that reminds me of unpleasant memories of my rape. The only time I break down is when I am severely distressed or my feelings are so bottled up that a trigger would set me off crying.",Stress +48850,"Forgetting what i just did Does anybody else forget what he just did? + +Like i forget if i just turned off the lights in another room even though I'm sure i did but i just can't remember it + +Is it stress or something else?",Stress +28841,"I've been couchsurfing now for 75 days and life is getting harder at this time as money is sinking. Been getting into bad thought loops so I decided to write a blog that allows me to express my sadness through more ""happy"" words. I currently have two posts. [First one was about how I ended up in this situation and describing overall how am I doing and the latest one is about last week and how mentally challenging it was to be sick as a homeless person. ",Stress +48583,"Canker sores around finals season Hello all; I'm a university student in my fourth year. Every time finals season rolls around, I find myself getting terrible canker sores (probably as a result of the stress, but it doesn't help that I need to drink energy drinks by the gallon in order to get the right amount of studying in). They're distracting and bothersome. Any tips on how to alleviate this?",Stress +28553,"Her parents didn't know about me at this point. I kept this bottled in for a long time, but exploded and was ready to break up with her over it but she said she would stop being in touch with him. She claims he has mental issues and had threatened numerous times to commit suicide. If I take her at her word, there was no sexual contact between them after we started dating. This contributed to me not trusting her.",Stress +48895,"Yoga - Healthy Life Yoga is an ancient tradition that’s been proven to help with stress, anxiety, and pain. It helps people connect with their bodies and mind, so you can live a happier and healthier life.",Stress +28592,"I had no good friends in my class, I never had a partner when it was time to pair up on our own, the work was going to get harder and we would be working on clients soon. When I came back all I could think about was how much I wanted to go home. So I didn't go back after that. I had to go back though and pick up my stuff. But everyone asked what was I gonna do next, why did I drop out.",Stress +48454,"High RHR due to Stress Over the past month or so things in my life have gotten crazy - in so many facets. + +My grandma got diagnosed w cancer, my mom is having sudden alarming blood pressure issues, I'm in my last semester of college, working 30 hours per week, I just got a job offer for after graduation, rent is increasing, and more - all within this month. + +My average resting heart rate has increased almost 20 bpm. My usual RHR is around 60-65 and for the past week or so it's been sitting around 80-85. Yesterday in particular my heart rate got all the way up to 180 while walking to class (what would normally only bring it to around 120-130 or so). I just don't know what to do to get my stress levels down, and in return, my RHR.",Stress +27970,"Hi, I will not have a home in a few weeks . I'm living with an abusive, drug addict roommate whom has constantly stolen from me. I have asked cops etc to help and I'm told restraining order. Well, I figure I'm just going to leave when away from me. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but I know I cannot endure this.",Stress +48964,"Just a reminder to eat healthy when you're stressed. A stressed body is a damaged body, we need nutrients, vitamines, minerals, water and rest to repair the damage. And stay far away from foods that stress the body more, like sugars, white flour products and processed/factory foods. + +Take care of your physical, mental and emotional well-being and protect it with setting boundaries (towards yourself and others). It takes practice, but feels very rewarding when you protect to greatest and most important person in your life.. yourself.",Stress +48379,"Stress caused health issues. So all this started for me back at the end of January. I went to my dermatologist and had a biopsy done. I freak out for a about a week and test results came back clean. The. I went two weeks later because a scab grew on my chest. I got that check out and came back clean. During this time I was freaking out.. stress, worrying, and couldn’t sleep. All this lead to other health issues. I started to have pain in my lower back which shot through my entire body. It was until recently I started to get a burning sensation in my stomach. I went to my dr and he said it was due to stress. I got put on medication to take care of it hoping it works… has anyone else gone through this before? All this happen under one month.",Stress +48568,"WHY GET ANGARY? Do you get angry when your child is not listening to you? Do you feel angry when your boss scolds you? Do you feel hurt when your team members are not achieving the target irrespective of your training? Anger is common. Well-managed anger can used be a constructive emotional tool that motivates you to make positive changes. It aids to keep a distance from toxic people and situations and creates a positive fire within us. + +If not dealt with it in a positive way or if we allow ourselves to prolong, it will lead to destructive results that take a toll on your he…..[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/19/7-quotes-that-will-destroy-angar/)",Stress +30183,"I was talking to my mom this morning and she said that about my sister. Her trauma was worse than mine but she didn't develop PTSD. (My mom has no idea I even had a traumatic event) I told her it's not that easy, and she said it just needs to be done. Now I am scared.",Stress +49013,"Open to Drugs I can’t take it anymore. My body is tingling with physical and mental pain daily. School and work and family and being 25 years young in this insane and financially uncertain world. I am finally open to drug usage. Please tell me what to do (opiates/morphine/ether/xanax, etc).",Stress +28394,"Either way, I can’t see anyone genuinely liking me. My mum sincerely told me she loved me a few days ago, and I had a hard time believing that. I hate to diminish her own thoughts and feelings, but I felt as though she’s deluded to be able to love me. Anxiety sucks. I wish I could look at things rationally and objectively.",Stress +49017,"Exposed to extreme trauma on the daily Hi, I work as an Autopsy Technician. Burnout is starting to get to me. This sort of work chips away at you even if you are the strongest of heart and mind. I'm already in to deep to get out. The job pays okay, but significantly better than any other job I could get in my area, by 8-9 dollars hourly. That and my benefits are outrageously good with bonuses annually, sometimes twice a year. I just don't know what I can do to not feel or be so tense and stressed that isn't self destructive. Therapy only goes so far when you still have to go see and mutilate the bodies of children and babies almost on the daily. That and just horrific crimes in general. I use to think it was cool and it still is in a way, but like I said. Chips away. It's also not a cakewalk to leave it all at the morgue easy. Idk if you have any advice or tips let me know.",Stress +28047,I also want to set the record straight with my family. What should I do? Tldr : I dislike my mom for legitimate reasons. She's telling my family it's because my head is all messed up from my mental illness. It's gotten back to me and is making me angry and making me feel victimized and weird about myself all over again.,Stress +49216,"During work, a random stranger came up to me and told me everything is going to be alright... And I burst into tears... I'm a (22 female) and my job is reporting and introducing new stores and foods on TV. It's creative and fun but because of the unstable income my mother doesn't support me. + +I knew that from the beginning but hoping to please and attempt to make her proud of my accomplishments she would just say ""Why do I need to say I'm proud of you? You have to be proud of yourself"" It's been an ongoing toxic loop so I always distance myself or not contact her, however since last week she's been living with me and we have been bickering here and there. I don't let that get in the way with work though. + + +Anyway. Today this random stranger during my break time came up to me and looked directly into my eyes and said + + ""You don't need to push yourself. It's okay."" + +She kept holding my shoulders and gently rubbing them and I have no clue if this is hypnosis + + ""I know you have some family troubles right now but I can see there are good people behind you. Really good people"" + +And little by little the weight in my shoulders started to get lighter. And it felt fuzzy. I had this feeling why does she know my family? Can she read me? Am I readable? Is my aura out? I'm about to panic! Then I just burst into tears and had to control myself to do the next reporting. + +It was such a confusing experience because she was smiley nice in her 50s lady. + +Can someone tell me if she was a hypnotist or if she can see my soul or some angels or if she was just an empath that knew I was extremely stressed and wanted to let me know I was stressed. Because later She was motioning to her friend her shoulders like letting her know my shoulders were super tight or scrunched up. + +I don't know... It was such a coincidence. And a strange encounter that I had to write about this experience as my first post.",Stress +49293,"Stress Management Stress is an inevitable part of life. It can be caused by a variety of factors, such as work pressures, finances, relationships, and more. But learning how to manage stress effectively is essential for our well-being. In this article, we’ll explore the key elements of effective stress management so that you can start living a healthy and balanced life. + +[https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/](https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/)",Stress +29106,"I relate to a lot of the symptoms, but what happened to me wasn't ""life threatening"" it was more of a childhood trauma that has a lot to do with growing up in a chaotic home. My brothers tried to kill himself twice, (TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE) and that vision of him holding the knife to his throat or choking himself with a belt WILL NEVER GET OUT OF MY HEAD. hence the reason I'm typing this at two am. It's really bad today and I have gotten zero sleep since midnight of last night. I just can't shake those images out of my head EVER.",Stress +48935,"I'm Quiting to Save My Life So I have decided to journal here me quiting smoking. At 32 I started smoking after a lifetime of bad experiences and stress. I am now 48 years old. Roughly 11 or 12 years ago, I got the news that a friend I worked with but lost touch with had died of a massive heart attack. She was a chain smoker, and gained a lot of weight. She also had a stressful life full of heartbreaking and challenges. She was 49. Worried about my own health, I started losing weight after I topped at 200 (I'm a 5'5"" female). I am now 162 with 22 pounds to go. But my biggest hurdle right now is cigarettes. I made the decision today after many scares, to quit. I will keep updating this as I go for 1 year. + +This....is Day 1.",Stress +48931,"Has anyone felt so bad with stress they had 24/7 tension&felt like they were stuck in flight/fight mode? I’m actually wondering for years now if it’s possible my vagus nerve got damaged even. I’ve mentioned it to Drs,I do a lot of googling because been having health issues so long. I tried to do meditation but my brain is too fogged up,can’t focus,always forget&put things off. My personality,mental state&physical just crapped out at the same time although physical things bothered me prior.I’ve been trying to avoid asking for clonazepam as I only wanted to take it in emergencies but people constantly make me worse. I lost 7lbs past 2 weeks stress frm pple while sedentary. + +Eating has been a big struggle because don’t really have an appetite but try to have something like a bowl of cereal daily.I wonder if my dry mouth I’ve had the past 15yrs is possibly stress because never got an answer for the cause but that’s when things started,just got dramatically worse with more things bothering me. I just want Drs to say this is your issue take this&do this but instead I got diagnosed with quite a few things but not the 1 I’m looking for which is really my brain working&feel like myself again with this 24/7 tension gone.",Stress +48659,"I’m thinking too much I think way too deep into SO many things and I can’t get out of it. I’m trying to collect older video games and systems (N64, SNES that kinda stuff) but I’m always thinking like “what if it works fine when I buy it and 2 days later it breaks and I have to get new parts and they have to make new parts with metal and plastic and in the process I am helping to hurt the environment and I’m a bad person for wanting to fix my game cartridge” A STUPID GAME CARTRIDGE IS CAUSING ME STRESS (and it’s not even Superman 64. My apologies trynna make a joke and lighten the mood y’know) I just think I way my actions like I’m trynna get into the good place or something, like I think WAY to deep. I need a bit of help, but thanks for reading.",Stress +48940,"I’ve only just realised how badly stressed I am but I don’t know what to do, no one will take me seriously I, 20F, have a few things that just seem off to me. I have a job that I hate, it’s my first job, it’s a 9-5 in a high pace high stress environment and when I make a mistake it has an effect - and of course I do make mistakes. My coworker also treats me like a personal assistant and delegates all of her last minute jobs to do immediately without thanks which is so stressful as I can never complete a project on time because of it. Enough backstory though this isn’t a life advice sub I just need to rant about the things I think are caused by stress? + +I’ve always looked young for my age, I take good care of my skin using retinol and SPF 50 every day yet my skin is ageing (I turned 20 a month ago so this is weird). I look heavier than I am, I get a lot of exercise (10K steps minimum daily plus cardio focussed gym 2-5 times a week depending how tired i am) and do not over eat, if anything (tw) I probably under eat by a long way because I lose my appetite and forget to eat. It’s just bizarre to me and it’s not that I want to be thinner but I know that with my lifestyle I ought to be a lot thinner than I am so I’ve no clue what the reasoning for that is. My psoriasis is getting worse. It used to be a small patch on my leg but now I’ve got it on my lips, cheeks, back and it’s spreading down my arm. I was researching self soothing and I do that obsessively, I bite my lips to oblivion and crack my knuckles to the point where they hurt. I am ALWAYS tired even if I get 14 hours of sleep, luckily my insomnia has gone away for the time being but that used to be really bad too. I also get migraines the second I begin to relax. If it’s not pretty obvious ill just throw in that I have been diagnosed with anxiety. My doctor doesn’t want to help and there’s no free therapy in my area as there’s massive wait lists for everything. So I’m on here hoping to find someone who might relate. Can this all be due to stress? Do you have any advice? My job contract ends soon and I’m not renewing it don’t worry but I know any entry level job will be just as intense so how can I manage it and minimise these symptoms? My family doesn’t seem to care and just say it’s life but I’m going to spiral if I can’t control it.",Stress +49119,"How do I stop losing track of all the things I have to do? This week I missed my appointment with a doctor. I had it noted in my planner. On the same day but also the day before. and STILL I managed to forget and miss it. I know this happened because there are just so many things on my planner and in my head, that I can't keep track and get it all done anymore. + +But I don't have a job, I don't study, I don't workout, I don't do any unnecessary things, I'm only trying to survive and work on my health, and my daily life is STILL too much stress. If I was still in uni with all that homework, I would be dead rn. + +What stresses me out? No big things, but alot of small things, combined with my extremely low energy. For example"": I have alot of emotional stress because of my mental issues, being unhappy with my life, friendships not going well, gf broke up with me a year ago and still not over it. So that was emotional stress, now I'm also stressed out because I have so many things to get done while not having energy for it. For example making therapist appointments, doctors too, fixing my phone, changing my email on accounts, calling back the hospital, trying to fix my bedtime, all those TINY things that can't be avoided, they still stress me out, I only gave a few examples here but my days are full of many tiny tasks that I have to get done, but I dont have energy, motivation, I can't keep track of my shit. I forget about everything even if it was noted in my phone which I check multiple times a day. And if I dont forget im either too tired or not motivated to get shit done.",Stress +48448,"Can anybody relate to skin picking? I have this nasty habbit for 9 years... Picking my face, back. Of course I undeestad that it is bad, but still doing this ""routine"".And it has its consequences: the scars, red spots, even more agressive psoriasis... + I had some success stories of not picking, but lasted 1 month maximum. +I believe that it is like addiction.",Stress +48453,"Please help me.. I was just doing my homework as usual, nothing was on my mind it was actually just blank. And suddenly I start looking through my notes, specifically at all the marked out words and suddenly getting frustrated. But still, I wasn't thinking anything, mind blank. So unexpectedly I start stabbing my notebook and my pen breaks and then I start crying and hyperventilating, again, I have no idea what's happening or why I am crying. A few minutes after I stop and get back to normal, mind is still empty and I'm confused now and scared of myself, why would I do that. Yes, I am really stressed right now because of exams but I didn't know I would be stabbing a damn notebook for no reason. Can someone help me out? What could this be?",Stress +49411,"How is stress and difficult emotions coped with⚡ # There are many different ways to cope with stress and difficult emotions. Some strategies that may be helpful include: + +# 🏴Engaging in relaxation techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Exercise: Regular physical activity can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Connect with others: Spending time with loved ones or participating in social activities can help you feel supported and reduce feelings of loneliness. + +# 🏴Seek support: Consider talking to a mental health professional or joining a support group to discuss your feelings and learn coping skills. + +# 🏴Engage in activities you enjoy: Doing things you enjoy, such as hobbies or creative pursuits, can help distract you from stress and provide a sense of accomplishment. + +# 🏴Practice good self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in stress-reducing activities. + +# 🏴Set boundaries: It's important to set limits and make time for self-care to prevent burnout. + +# Remember, it is normal to feel stressed or overwhelmed at times. It is important to find healthy ways to cope with these emotions and seek support when needed. + +# [ taken from r/on_therapy ]",Stress +29617,I'm assuming I have PTSD and my work gave me a number to call and I'm debating doing so. But I hate asking for help and I feel pathetic because nothing happened. I'm physically fine. I just really need advice because I'm struggling on how to feel. I don't know why I can't just brush this off considering I'm alright.,Stress +28147,My sleep patterns are erratic because I don't want to sleep anymore. Is it normal to have PTSD with nightmares EVERY time I sleep? Every time? My psychologist has started trying to slowly desensitize me by showing me pictures and videos of what disturbs me: this is currently making things worse. How long until I start to see improvements?,Stress +48395,"I'm BURNED OUT... What should I do? So, let me start by saying I'm 28 M, and I've been burned out for the last few years and just ""managing to get by."" I work a full-time 9-5 position (got promoted end of last year), I'm studying part-time in college (straight As till this recent semester, 3 courses every semester), I'ma caretaker and I take care of storeruns/bills/necessities for my home, and I have a significant other that I'm going steady with. + +So, my job has gotten to become majorly overwhelming, but the salary's great for someone with no degree, and I'm very used to working with this employer and the work that we do—however between an occasionally toxic environment and daily demands that I'm struggling to focus on (due to my burnout), I fear for my job safety and am becoming miserable. This semester, I find myself having no energy to take on my schoolwork after the workday. I had no option for in-person classes, and all of them are reading and/or writing intensive, none of which makes it any better. As a result of these two alone, I've found myself too tired and stressed to desire nutritious foods, and have adopted poor eating habits... Finally, I'm proud to take care of business for my home, and to have a loving and supportive partner... however, I'm really beginning to tire of the workload, and the result it's taking on my mental health. I do not want to fail, nor be fired, nor disappoint my loves ones... + +I know ""I'm worth it,"" and must take time for myself, but how? What does that truly mean? My breaks lately are watching a show while eating for a bit, or going to the market to shop for groceries... I haven't truly had a day off, and it's difficult to be ahead when you're working overtime at your 9-5 to catch-up to the constant demands. To my partner, I don't wanna litter our relationship with complaints or my personal woes. I wanna be a hero, an example, and stable... What do I need to do to recharge and get back on track? + +(Thanks in advance! Don't get it twisted. I'm venting, but beneath all of this is ambition and drive. Hence why it angers me that I'm feeling the ""fuck it"" mentality damn near...)",Stress +29085,"I never had that symptom before and I just want to know if anyone else has, what has helped manage your dizziness? For me it will trigger panic attacks which I hate so much. I've tried zofran for nausea that did nothing (prob cuz it's anxiety nausea not stomach nausea). Are there any meds for dizziness or vertigo? Thanks!",Stress +28241,"But it hit close to home when my own parents have pressured me over the years to reconcile with my brother, angrily demanding how I'd handle their funerals, whether I'd insist on not going (I wouldn't. My brother was best man for our other brother's wedding, which I attended but declined being a bridesmaid, and kept a careful distance. Then I went home, drank an entire bottle of wine and cried while my husband comforted me). 2. I never would have known about my cousin's son if I hadn't been able to make the funeral yesterday.",Stress +30069,"He's been violent pretty much since 6months in. Nothing too horrendous at first just a slap or a punch or he'd spit in my face during an argument or grab me. I reasoned I could deal with that because he was always so remorseful and depressed afterwards. A year in we split up because he stole my car keys out of the ignition, got in the car and threatened to kill me rip out my hair and nails etc. I went to the police and they issued him with a domestic violence order.",Stress +29342,"For the past couple months I have had really bad soreness and tightness in my upper back and neck. Sometimes it gets so stiff I can barely move my head. At first i thought it was a physical injury so I went to the doctors and had an xray but they could not find anything. I notice it flares up when im anxious. I have tried many self massages, creams, baths, pads, you name it.",Stress +29623,I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I bawl every night because I don't want to feel this never ending pain anymore. I can't live with what happen to me. I can't live with the fact that since I didn't go to police that he is preying on another girl like me. I have so many social problems I dont have friends anymore.,Stress +28858,"and now it's like he did a complete 180 and decided that I have to do exactly what he wants. I'm sure that he is worried about his children going wild as young adults like he did, which is fair, but frankly, I've always been very responsible with money, drinking, and just about everything else. I've always been told that I'm mature for my age and have never been anything near a problem child. I really don't think there's any cause for him to worry so much about me, and I'm terrified of standing up to him because, frankly, he does stuff like take my phone away or monitor my spending, so I don't feel safe standing up to him. I obviously can't go along with this forever.",Stress +27509,"I hate the thought that even after my mom's death she still has power over me. Anyways, I've come here for advice on meds, specifically if this sounds like a good place to start. I used to just focus on the anxiety and insomnia acutely but never really tried to treat the source. I'm starting Effexor XR, Prazosin for the horrendous nightmares and continuing on clonazepam for panic attacks. Thanks guys!",Stress +28339,"But I have something I think is important enough to at least be worth your time. I’m getting the word out about my wife’s surgery fund. She just got the message back today from her workplace denying her disability for her surgery. 😦 Long story short this was devastating for us, we are both pretty frugal people that try to save our money but sadly (at 20 and 19) we haven’t had much time outside of home to amass enough savings. This surgery is a catch 22 however as if she doesn’t get it she will have a 75-80% chance of becoming either wheelchair bound or if she’s luck just unable to ever walk up or down stairs.",Stress +27855,"Ugh. I just need to tell people who I know will understand what happened. If you can relate, offer support, anything... that would be appreciated. I've been dealing with this disease for years now, and I just had the worst flashback I've ever had. My boyfriend had a long day and was going to sleep before me.",Stress +28342,"Usually after each session I get a headache also. I can't tell if i'm becoming worse, because I did EMDR on my bad drug experiences and feel great now. The rest of what i'm dealing with is early childhood trauma, which was prolonged so i'm thinking EMDR is just bringing out these feelings and making my body become very unhappy since im reprogramming it to not constantly be hyper aware and anxious. Ive had a few hospital visits because after some sessions i turn into a hypochondriac because the physical responses are so odd. One session made the left side of my face numb.",Stress +28941,"He knows I can't work because of my anxiety problems and he knows I rely on him. He's told me before no one else will take care of me like he does, no one else will put up with me. I'm scared to go back because I don't want to get back together with him and I know if he wants to we will. The reason I went to my grandma's house is because a couple days before I left he got drunk. He started saying horrible things to me.",Stress +28644,"This Crippling Pain Is Getting Stronger. Cant, you see I cant do this much longer This Fearless drip, The subconscious Tears. Hope someone Can see my Fear.",Stress +48979,"Heat exhaustion symptoms – 10 prevention tips *Summertime is a great time to get out and enjoy the weather, but it’s also important to be aware of the risks of heat exhaustion.* + +[*https://negativestress.com/heat-exhaustion-symptoms-10-prevention-tips/*](https://negativestress.com/heat-exhaustion-symptoms-10-prevention-tips/)",Stress +48914,"10 Simple Ways To Cope With Job Stress It is crucial to learn how to deal with various stressors successfully. Those who lack adequate coping abilities loathe their jobs over time. On Sunday, they dread returning to work on Monday, and once back at the office, they count the days until the following weekend. These factors will undoubtedly result in job exhaustion and possible resignation due to excessive stress. + +However, there is a superior strategy that begins with employing straightforward techniques that anyone can understand + +[https://divineyouwellness.com/blog/cope-with-job-stress/](https://divineyouwellness.com/blog/cope-with-job-stress/)",Stress +28509,"I was a severe addict that had 2 overdoses when I was younger and addiction/alcoholism runs on both sides of my family. Please tell me the 'hijacking' will stop and I will come back into my own person. I don't want to come out of on the other side and be this nervous and uncomfortable person who is unable to have relationships. I don't drink, or take prescriptions, or smoke. I have been thinking of seeing a therapist, I don't really have the time or extra money, plus I've been really hurt from small intimate AA groups.... Ugh.... Is there another side of this PTSD mental attrition?",Stress +49204,"Feel like everything thinks i'm annoying and I'm unhappy with how I never stand up for myself. I've been planning my wedding that is happening in May of this year. + +I got engaged a few months ago in January, and at first I felt fine with taking on everything but now it's starting to get into my head and I feel overwhelmed everyday. + +My days consist of me working, wedding planning, and sleeping. Most of the time if i'm doing something other than that, I'm thinking of my wedding anyways. If I go shopping there's always something that will catch my eye and remind me of what I need to do or purchase for the big day. + +Not only that, but my partner is in another country (LDR) and he can only do so much to help me with it all besides pay for things here and there. I live on my own while my partner lives at home (he's never been on his own before) and i'm struggling to pay for small things like a DJ or even cake. + +I've tried talking to him about wedding stuff and he tends to get overwhelmed or be distracted with other things he's doing like gaming etc. Last night, I was talking to him about décor options we had and I showed him our ceremony space. It's on a terrace/large outdoor patio at this nice hotel in my city. I went personally to view the venue a week after we got engaged, sent him videos and photos, and he loved it too! Now when i showed him the photos last night he made a few ""not so happy"" faces and I almost started crying right there from the stress of it all. He kept saying ""I guess it'll have to do.."" and things like that. Felt like I screwed it up so bad. + +I feel like a failure, that I picked a bad venue...and to top it all off I have a few people in my bridal party who are being really catty towards me now. They keep shitting on me for having ""bad communication"" even though I'm trying my best and have everything on MY shoulders. They haven't offered to do anything specific but constantly say ""I want to help in any way I can! Let me know what to do!"" and I have no clue what to ask them. Also, a bridesmaid of mine really dislikes my MOH and tries to make me feel like she's not doing ""enough"" and says she feels she's unsupportive. + +I didn't even want a big wedding at a hotel. I originally imagined a wedding where I am married at a nice park, have dinner at a nice restaurant and then go to a pub for a beer after to celebrate. + +The only reason it became a big wedding is because of my in laws and my family coming, plus a bunch of my friends wanted to go. My fiancé is only bringing 3 family members and none of HIS friends are going to come (despite travelling to Mexico for a wedding recently). + +After all this, I can see why people elope or have really really small weddings.",Stress +48767,"Stress and coping So I've been working now with a team of researchers to understand stress better. if you are 18+ and live in the US, please [check this link out.](https://tccolumbia.qualtrics.com/jfe1/form/SV_9uegPGUPSNcOcfQ) + +The study aside, it would be need to collect some resources here to cope with anxiety and stress. I really liked this [CPG grey vide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAhsXyO3Ck&ab_channel=CGPGrey)o that came out i the pandemic as it relates to mental and physical health",Stress +48657,"How can I change my current ( most of my life) situation? I wonder if I’m the only one sometimes going through all this . Anyway I’m a 35 year old male living in Los Angeles working soon will have my own apartment in a few months because of my autism ( though most people don’t know I’m autistic). I have a roommate currently. I am originally from the sf Bay Area and while I loved it there I needed a change . Weather for one thing and LA just seemed so exciting and it is . Anyway I moved here in 2018 and love it . So I’m happy in the city I live in , but I’m not happy with the circumstances of the last two years and instead of looking back I’m trying to look forward and realize my lie isn’t over and boring and useless. First off I used to go the gym and run and eat healthy, and I was in much better shape obviously. Than Covid came my work hours changed and so did my diet along with everything else. I work retail so those who work it or have will know exactly what I’m talking about. So in 2022 I tried to restart by going back to being a vegetarian, forcing myself to go back to the gym etc, but my motivation is just not there yet . I do have a small social life so I’m thankful for that and I am also a photographer as I love all the architecture in this city . But I need more friends my age I’m +Guessing and there just seem to be no women who aren’t partiers or who would let me be myself with them . Or maybe I’m looked at as asexual or unattractive. Anyways I just need something more exciting than just work and home . I wish I had a group o could do things with but of course my schedule makes it tough . + +My dating/sex history: +I was never very good at asking women out even though most of my life I was told I was extremely handsome I’m tall 6”1 blonde hair , brown eyes . I was told I could have modeled when I was younger . Anyway I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 20 which is late but partly because i was shy , just not confident. I had an opportunity to be that girls boyfriend who I lost my virginity to but I just decided I didn’t want a relationship with her , well between 2007 and 2009 I had no heterosexual sex but desired it but was insecure, etc . I’ll admit because I grew up in San Francisco and had gay friends I even experimented with gay men as a way out since I was just not having relationships with women but I realized obviously I was not gay or bi since I didn’t feel attracted to men . Than I’m 2010 I had sex with a drunk cougar and that was one and done . I had a disasterous date with a woman in the mission district in sf and it was horrible. I than tried going to “ cougar bars” with my friend but of course we would never go home with anyone, and it wasn’t my scene anyway. Than in 2012 I met my first girlfriend who was older than me at a class. Funny thing is I liked her immediately and she clearly liked me . We saw the Batman dark knight movie which was our first date in 2012. Well we fucked like crazy so much so that I felt it was a bit much and the non sexual side of our relationship seemed kinda ehhh…. +Well I eventually drove her away and regretted it . And since then I’ve slept with a few older women from 2015-2019. But since Covid I’ve had no sex except masturbation . Partly I still do struggle with being insecure and feeling like Women will never be into me which I know is nonsense of course . But I am now have a strange sense of being torn on one hand I would like to be in a relationship, on the other hand my life is busy enough with work and exploring stuff in LA with my camera . I almost feel like the woman would have to be perfect for me because I feel like maybe my earlier history told me something that I’m just someone who lost their virginity late and because of it maybe it messed me up or maybe I’m better off just with a few friends and my own life . Partly I think I need someone who I can be myself around them without judgment and I’m trying to change . Maybe I’m just to weird or absent minded . I try to work on my confidence and I try to +Fake it till I make it but that can only last so long . I do have confidence issues and while I’m secretive about it deep inside I feel like most women are either judging me or think I’m unattractive , or that I’m gay. + +I guess I need to work on myself . I want to get back into shape , eat healthier, exercise like I used to . Also I use to shave everyday clean shaven and short hair but when Covid came I got lazy. I’m going to try and get myself together and work on myself. I take my medication for depression which helps and I do have a therapist but I can’t see her as much as I’d like . I do have challenges but I always try to work through them + +My issues with sex, relationships, asking women out : +I have often had issues with asking women out , etc. it’s weird maybe I am incel yet I don’t blame my problems on women I blame it all on myself that I’m my own worst enemy. I tend to shoot myself in the foot . It’s weird because I don’t consider myself repressed. I grew up in a liberal household in San Francisco. I also am not a right winger as most incels are . I am liberal . Anyways so most men can ask a woman out with no problem and nothing would faze them . I on the other hand have trouble because I don’t want to make a fool of myself, come off as creepy etc . Good example is there is this customer at work who I like and comes in most everyday . Her and I talk quite a bit when I’m helping her and we smile at each other . And I think she likes me , but probably just being friendly. Two of my colleagues know I like her and always ask “ Have you asked her out yet “ I always give an excuse or that she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me that way. So other guys could just ask a woman out with no issue but not me. Also I’m not at my best right now and want to get back to being healthy and exercise. The funny thing is I can talk to beautiful women because I do every day because I work in Beverly Hills and I can engage and be friendly but on my own I don’t seek out to talk to women because of my own fear as how they view me. The funny thing is I did ask my ex gf out but it wasn’t really a “date asking her out it was more casual and things developed. I just wonder if I can overcome these issues that have been plaguing me for a good chunk of my life . I just sometimes feel I’m cursed .h",Stress +48981,"Sometimes rest is what your business needs. To add to this, +I feel like resting should mean large amounts of time spent in stillness, and reflection. +Not just watching tv or being on your phone. +In nature or something that is spiritually renewing",Stress +48503,"Being a perfectionist I dislike the word perfectionist, I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but it’s what I’m called a lot. + +I feel the need to do everything to the highest level. I start working on university essays weeks in advance and don’t submit them until the last minute and I still feel like I could of done better. I rewrite sentences multiple times because they don’t sound quite right. An essay that could take someone 3 hours takes me triple that. + +It’s the same at my job, if a customer interaction doesn’t go as well as I wanted it to it’s in the back of my head for days after. + +My whole life is dictated by this need. I don’t know how to let go of it, I want to be at peace.",Stress +30065,"For ever since I can remember I have suffered from anxiety. But in the past 5 or so years, my anxiety has shifted to almost entirely work. I’m only 18 and am working part time, but for some god damn reason work scares the hell out of me. I have quit my past three jobs because of it and have recently got a new job. I started on Wednesday and am actually good at it.",Stress +28239,"Long story short: 3 year old American Bully with severe encephalitis (brain swelling) which at this point is believed to be GME (an auto-immune disease). We are fighting for her so even if you don't want to make a donation or don't want to share the link, any positive thoughts are appreciated as well. My wife is 8 months pregnant & I had cancer earlier this year. We're struggling financially and need help. The rest of the story is in the link as well as some photos and videos of her when she was healthy.",Stress +28600,"I e-mailed him a few times and received no response from him when I really needed one. Because of his lack of response, I was forced to drop out of school, University of [State (Go Mascots!! )], and I could not finish the quarter and now owe them much more money than before. But it is NOT entirely his fault. Yes I resent him at times, but I could have just as easily approached him about the subject and gotten everything taken care of, but my anxiety hadn't made me comfortable around them, so I couldn't bring my self to do it.",Stress +48421,Over thinking about stuff I'm still debating if I wanna try and learn to drive. I do wanna move one day and I know I can without a car but it might be easier with a car but I'd only be able to do daytime driving I'm sure. Idk if I'd be able to find a guy who likes me if I'm not driving though but I'm still independent without a car though. I'm probably thinking too much about it though. I really need to stop over thinking about shit but my mind just goes into overdrive at times,Stress +30081,"I'm 21, and have been on Lexapro for about 2 years. Was diagnosed with GAD the same time I was put on medication. Just graduated this past May from college (I had the worst anxiety of my whole life during my last semester), and I have been doing well since graduation. I started working the graveyard shift a month ago at a non-profit, and the anxiety hit me like a big wave about a week ago. Just all of a sudden, out of nowhere.",Stress +27987,"I don't want a situation to come where she calls the police lying saying I hit her (anytime a domestic incident happens, it's automatically the guy's fault) She's called the police falsely on my dad twice, so I wouldn't put it passed her. So I'm writing this in the parking lot of my college afraid to go home. Awesome",Stress +29021,"But it happened. I literally had to take breathing exercise thingys because I felt like I was gonna pass out, my heart was racing. Now not all notifications scare me, like here, I won't really be too concerned. But still. I think the root of the problem is the sheer anonymity of when it alerts you a notification.",Stress +48477,"These are my Energy Gainers I always wish to surround myself with people who spread positivity in their talks and actions. It is such an overwhelming experience to be around them that loads me up with a whole energy. + +When we are faced with tough situations in life, communicating with optimistic people paves the way to eliminate negative thoughts and substantially boosts our conf..... [Continue Reading ](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/22/what-are-your-energy-givers-here-is-the-list-of-mine/)",Stress +48709,"Stress Induced IBS? I'm new to the higher stress levels, but over the past week or so I've had somewhat digestive issues. Nothing like some stories, but a mild left bottom abdomen ache that comes and goes. + +For anyone dealing with stress, have you had bad digestive issues? What did you do to get better? + +I'm personally taking a week off of everything to reset.",Stress +29690,"I can't be in an abusive relationship, but I find my brain trying to rationalize this. To expand a little more, this incident happened just a week after we had a huge fight over my depression, which he doesn't seem to understand completely. I've been stuck in a depressive episode for the greater part of a year, despite medication changes and weekly therapy sessions. I've been suicidal for quite some time now and he knows that, but last week he actually told me ""maybe you should just kill yourself."" So, in light of that happening very recently, I'm in a very dark place right now.",Stress +28486,"I'm constantly worrying, snapping off at my kids or even total strangers over trivial things, and have panic attacks so bad that I shake and can't catch my breath. The dr was very nice and understanding of what I was going through. She prescribed Buspar, which i'm not very familiar with. If you are or have taken it, how helpful was it for you? I realize everyone is different but just looking for general experiences, or anything else I need to know about it.",Stress +27580,Cut to yesterday... My parents booked me in for an emergency appointment with the DR because my anxiety and depression is so bad I cannot function day to day and spend most of my time stuck in bed panicking. I was prescribed 2mg Valium to go alongside my anti-depressants. I took one and within 15 minutes I went from SEVERE anxiety to COMPLETE calmness Well... here comes the paranoia associated with my bad cannabis trip years ago... I FREAKED.,Stress +30096,"Everytime, he gets mad he takes my phone or other items away from me and tells me he bought it so it's his. He's even broke my iPhone which I bought a long time ago. He doesn't give me money and if I want some, I need a good reason why. He works overnights which makes things very hard for me, because the Long island railroad barely runs during those times and even then I have a 2months old, where would the baby and I go overnight? I don't know what to do, but I'm tired of feeling trapped and helpless.",Stress +28411,"I have the scars, medical records, injuries, memories, and nightmares. I know it's caused me to suffer from CPTSD. But has it caused me to lose my mind? I can't remember agreeing to dismiss. I don't understand the response email, and I refuse to assign meaning by reading into her response.",Stress +28182,"And I’m scared all the time. I get flashbacks from ptsd at home, and now my home is full of these spider and insect memories. And I feel like so few people in my life can really handle this and that’s even more isolating. I’m sorry. I needed a place to put this down and try and stop crying.",Stress +27511,"**How can I move to a more mature kind of love that is less focused on me and my fears, and instead more about him and our relationship? ** --- **tl;dr**: Feeling like I am being selfish and immature, mostly focusing on my needs of distance and validation and less on those of my LDR bf. Worrying about the possibility that we might not like each other that much anymore once we live together for a while.",Stress +48326,"Stress connected to a new job position. I've recently started a new job position at my current company and have a serious case of imposter syndrome. This position comes with a host of new responsibilities, and I feel as though I'm not performing as well as I should be and I keep making mistakes, I am still in training however I can't help but feel like I'm underperforming and it is mainly to do with stress, I'm stressed out and overwhelmed so I make mistakes and then stress about those same mistakes and it has become this vicious circle. I also haven't been sleeping. It is the only thing I can think about and it's destroying my confidence. I've been having multiple panic attacks sometimes multiple times a day during my breaks and when I am alone at home and have very recently started therapy to try and deal with this however I feel like it's just eating me alive. Has anybody experienced anything similar and perhaps give me a bit of perspective? Or advice on how you have dealt with this kind of stress? Sorry if this is the wrong kind of post for this sub. TIA.",Stress +29832,"Why is this the hardest month? Is it that the nerves have cleared, minute by minute anxiety calmed, hopelessness resolved, and now I have to sit a grieve a person I made up in my head? The person I convinced myself he was is so much more attractive than the reality of what he was. He is 27, I’m 25, and now he’s targeting 21 year olds. I am broken but I am piecing myself together.",Stress +27585,"I don't know if I'm able to do that, since I didn't tell the doctor the truth to begin with. I will say that my doctor very clearly didn't believe me at my follow up appointment, but my bf was in the waiting room. So I didn't admit to anything. I was teary eyed, however. From anyone's experience- is it worth it to go to the police?",Stress +49408,"To those who give car rides UPDATE IN COMMENTS: I’m a college student from out of state. I left home because I didn’t like the environment I was in, and being out of state was one of the best options. I don’t have a car and it’s mostly a public transportation type place so it’s not the biggest issue. I don’t ask people for rides unless I really need them. If we go out, I’ll tell them we can take the bus. On rare occasions if I need it I’ll ask for a ride. I was getting close to someone and only then did I ask them to take me to target twice, once we went, the other we didn’t and the second time I really needed to go for a project. So you kinda get the jist of it. When I need to go to and from the airport I has rely on others, this is one are I need help in because Ubers are so expensive (also I only need it after and before the winter, summer, and one thanksgiving break). I generally don’t care too much about it’s safety because I feel it’s generally safe, but this one time it’s kind of an issue. + +I also would like to mention that I don’t really have friends in school. + +Anyways, I ended up contacting many MANY people. They all basically said no. The flight would come in at around 12 AM and none of them could pick me up. I honestly got angry. My thought process was that I’m literally in a bad situation, I need a ride, and no one can either wake up or cut their plans short? It honestly just made me so frustrated. I get im not your best friend, but a girl taking an Uber at 12AM-1AM isn’t okay for many. I’m not the type to go out a lot so it’s uncomfortable for me. + +I get it’s late at night, but it just made me feel like people are selfish. I hope I never treat others the way I feel when I ask others for a ride. Because it feels terrible, and I’m not saying these people are the exact reason why I feel this way. I’m sure it’s an accumulation, but it just feels so terrible. + +I hate having to beg and pry and ask. I hate asking for a ride so I do try my best to get there myself. I even offer to pay because I don’t want people to do it for free and then me feel like I’m always bothering them. + +I don’t know what to do, I know I’m emotional about this but people who have cars and give others a ride should try and be more empathetic to those who don’t.",Stress +49236,,Stress +28730,"I didn’t realize before my brother had kids just how high pitch they can get. I don’t have kids nor do I want them. I’m expected to be around them 24/7 and when they’re all losing their shit, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide away. I’m constantly on edge because I’m constantly being startled or scared, there’s a lot of yelling and screaming and crying, and it’s only the end of day 3 of a two week vacation. Sorry for the long post, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this until January when I see my therapist next.",Stress +48706,"Got important interview but so stressed due to losing home I recently lost my apartment due to flooding. I managed to claim from insurance for the (ongoing) restoration works but the whole thing has been so traumatising just going back to the neighbourhood makes my heart sink. I've only bought this apartment 1.5 years ago and it has been endless repairs, plumbing issues and water damage and I really don't want to live there anymore. But it's so hard to rent another place. My parents are completely unsympathetic and won't let me move back with them. I am staying at a hotel for the time being. I have chronic illness and a handful of health issues and this whole thing has aged me 20 years I could see it in the mirror. I have an important interview today but I'm so stressed out I couldn't sleep a wink last night. To top it off I am on the second day of my period. Please any word to help me relax a little would be greatly appreciated.",Stress +29727,"Hello, As is probably always the case, I have no idea how to start this post. My girlfriend of the past year asked me to sit and talk to her yesterday where she opened up and told me how the relationship had run its course and how there was no chance it could be saved. I have known something wasn't quite right for a while and should have made efforts to make changes long before now. We are still going to remain friends as best we can until the tenancy on our flat runs out.",Stress +29794,"The past few months especially have been hard on me. I think about her often, not even necessarily in a sexual manner, but I miss her. Even more so, the fantasies have started up again. I have vivid, detailed dreams about her sexually, and they upset me throughout the day, and I don't know what to think. Any advice?",Stress +29693,"Hi everyone, this is my story, what I've been able to take away from it, and the feelings and the hurt that have lingered, as well as questions. Warning, this is kind of a long post, but there is a lot I need to say and just get out of my head. Trigger and Content Warnings**:** Explicit mentions of sex acts with some details,mentions of coercion, mentions of being threatened, mentions of alcoholism. Things to know about me, for the context of my life and who I am: I am 24, I am queer, my pronouns are she/her, I am trans-gender woman (please Google if you are unfamiliar with the terms), I am autistic, and as a child I was home-schooled for a very long time and lived in the middle of nowhere farm country, with no buses, sidewalks, or means of transportation. When I was 13, I had just found out my father was diagnosed with early onset dementia and I was stricken, to say the least, knowing that my already dysfunctional family was about to go through the horrors of watching my father become less and less of himself.",Stress +48919,"How can you reduce the stress in your life? We all experience stress in our lives, but sometimes it can become overwhelming. If you're feeling stressed out, there are some things you can do to reduce the amount of stress in your life. + +➲ **Identify the source of your stress**. + +One of the first steps to reducing stress is to identify the source of it. What is it that's causing you to feel stressed? Once you know what it is, you can start to figure out ways to deal with it. + +➲ **Make a plan**. + +If you know what's causing your stress, make a plan to deal with it. If it's something you can't change, like a work deadline, make a plan to better manage your time so you don't feel so overwhelmed. If it's something that's causing you anxiety, like a fear of public speaking, make a plan to face your fear head-on. + +➲ **Take a break**. + +When you're feeling stressed, sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break. Step away from whatever is causing you stress and take some time for yourself. Relax and rejuvenate and you'll be better equipped to deal with the stressor when you're feeling refreshed. + +➲ **Talk to someone**. + +If you're feeling stressed, talking to someone can be a great way to relieve some of the tension. Talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or anyone who will listen and can offer support. Just getting things off your chest can be a huge stress relief. + +➲ **Eat healthy and sleep enough**. + +A a healthy diet is also important for managing stress. Be sure to include plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins in your diet. + +Also, make sure to get enough sleep. When we’re tired, we’re more likely to feel stressed. aim for eight hours of sleep every night. + +➲ **Exercise**. + +Exercise is a great way to reduce stress. Not only does it help to release tension, but it also boosts endorphins, which can make you feel happier and more relaxed. + +➲ **Practice Relaxation techniques**. + +Consciously relax your body, through practices like progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, meditation, or simply taking some deep breaths. + +**Read more here in details** → [10 Ways to Cope with Stress](https://www.livewelltalk.com/2020/08/10-ways-to-cope-with-stress.html)",Stress +29282,"Throwaway because this is an embarrassing issue (although everyone who knows me knows I have it). I’m sorry this is so long, I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and need to vent. I (21F) cry over the smallest things that I know I shouldn’t cry over. I have always been like this even since I was little. Whenever I get in an argument with someone, I cry and it eats away at me.",Stress +29626,"Why am I feeling like I miss him.. I’ve been okay for 7 damn days & then he texted my grandmother & asked me if I wanted him to mail me my stuff (a card) & now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is he seeming so decent now... Why do I feel so damn guilty.. why do I feel like I did something wrong. He hasn’t tried to do anything harmful to me, the only thing he’s been asking about is our children as expected.. But I’ve been ignoring him. Why do I feel like I’m in the wrong.",Stress +27999,Do I force myself to move forward? Am I being ridiculous because I still have ptsd? I feel like they’re so out of line. I’m all over the place. Just someone please help.,Stress +29786,"But one night, I somehow picked up on a pattern or loop in the cricket sounds, and I haven't been able to listen to it since. My brother had the same model in the room next to mine, and I ended up getting him a new one for his birthday because even puddles through the wall, every single loop felt like an ice pick to my forehead. It's like my brain knows what sound is coming and the auditory auto-correct is mentally painful and dread inducing. Any advice/suggestions would be helpful-- can't seem to get the right combination of experiences/symptoms from misophonia, sensory processing, etc. Thanks!",Stress +29513,"If I ask her anything about her life or about my uncle who she lives with (66 stroke survivor), she answers vaguely “He’s fine” or “ask him yourself”. The unappreciative part come from the fact that when she asks me to do something and I have to say no, or if I imply a no, she gets completely mad at me. She’ll go “but I love you and do stuff for you. Your daddy would be disappointed in you. Fine, then, I’ll never ask for anything ever again.",Stress +28522,"My finances cover rent and bills. Groceries are a struggle but lately, I've barely been eating so fuck that. I'm just asking for enough to cover getting my car inspected and gas to get there. My life has been slowly falling apart since April of last year and I'm just done. Every morning that i wake up is a disappointment.",Stress +29411,"First post here, using a throwaway because for some reason I just don't want my regular reddit account attached, despite being fairly open about the fact I was raped. But I digress. In February of this year, I was raped by my (now ex) boyfriend, who also happened to be the only person I've ever had sex with. I was diagnosed with PTSD in September. The rape has flipped my life entirely upside down, and there isn't an hour that goes by where my mind doesn't screw me over with either thoughts of the rape itself or simply just HIM.",Stress +48502,Insomnia How do you guys fight insomnia?,Stress +28450,"So, Kim Jong Un actually gave a rare, personal response to Donald Trump's speech and my god is it chilling. He mentions late in the speech that he is thinking about his hardest response possible to Trump's speech at the U.N. and even threatens to tame the 'dotard' with fire. My thoughts: This is bad. Really bad. Who knows what he could be planning?",Stress +49251,"Sensory Design Concept Survey Hello! I'm a design student who's looking into solutions for stress and sensory regulation for neurodivergent individuals. Specifically looking for feedback from people who struggle with sensory input themselves or who know a lot about the subject. Please take 5 minutes of your time to fill out this survey and give me some feedback on my concepts! :) Thank you so much for your time! + +[https://forms.gle/dk8Coie4yUzMeWwc8](https://forms.gle/dk8Coie4yUzMeWwc8)",Stress +27693,"My life has spiralled into a area I’m not sure I can survive in much longer. Everyone who was close to me have seemingly all decided to just pretend I don’t exist right as I start my third year of Uni. My anxiety levels are usually pretty high this time of year but this last month has been the worst of my life for my emotional well-being. I’m trying so hard but I’m suffering, and the meds don’t seem to be helping What do I do",Stress +29561,"I'm not sure why I'm making this post, really. I guess I'm afraid. Is houston ""safe"" to be homeless in, compared to other cities? I'm 5'10"" and about 150 lbs, so I don't think anyone would mess with me, but...I have seen some of the homeless people here and I really hope I don't offend anyone, but they look crazy :/ I'm sure it's very rough for men, also, but being a 22 year old homeless woman is a terrifying thought. where do I sleep?",Stress +27800,"So I knocked and told her to please let me in. She refused, I told her I was sorry and I didn’t mean any of the things I said and that I love her very much. She said to go away so I did (we were at her house). Now a whole day passed and she still refuses to talk to me :( I’m worried, guilty and just want to hug her and tell her again that I’m sorry. I sent her some messages but she ignored them.",Stress +28054,"I take solo back packing trips and my friends really see me as someone fearless and free-spirited. It makes opening up about my mental health issues kinda difficult because they can't ""see"" me acting this way. I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues around my romantic relationships. I also have depersonalization issues, and want to be alone more often then not. I think the fact that I can be so outgoing and positive most of the time, my friends don't realize that I struggle quite a bit some days.",Stress +28794,"I am not sad, I am not depressed, I am still a very happy and optimistic person with a great life, good friends, family, job, all that. But I am struggling to manage this anxiety because it spills into life. I don't have thoughts I obsess over, I don't worry about anything really. It's just the stress I have been through set up my body for this crap response. Besides relaxation, meditation and such, what can you recommend?",Stress +29846,"lost best friend of 12 years also i ""think"" i have some type of skin things weather it's mites or fleas or scabies or something idk i'm guessing scabbies and i've tried the remedy for it multiple times but it didn't cure it just kinda lessened the symptoms so w/e it is i have or if it's all in my head i have no idea also been getting alot of headaches but yeah and i'm completely confused and i have no idea what to do or anything i've been researching and trying to find stuff but google isn't that good apparently, i've found out about couchsurfers, dumpster divers, and stuff i just i don't know what to do i really just wish i could start over, or find some kinda self help group or facility. Some where that could help me out with life skills and with my confusion, depression etc again im just really confused and not sure what to do.",Stress +48851,"I have fried my nervous system! How to get back sensitivity? Cant Feel anything, not even myself + +Sorry for posting so much, but i Feel like my actual soul and presence is gone from my body. Like literally just burned away. + +I Feel i have emotional numbness, like actual numbness. I have emotions mentally some times, but my body and brain is like physically numb so i cant Feel them. + +I Sometimes get hints of emotions in my body, but it is also distant and numb. And i cant Feel it. + +My body is just a body, and i am just a mental voice. There is no presence or life anymore. + +I have no emotion or feeling of anything. + +All feelings left, and the last to go was the feeling of myself. + +Music and food and the sun and my Friends. All gone and no feeling. How can i Feel music if i cant even Feel myself. + +No desires, or motivation or sadness or love. Just nothingness. + +I had a physical feeling that my brain was empty, like a physical feeling of a room inside my head, like my brain +Like you can physically Feel your brain is empty. This feeling is also gone. I cant Feel my brain. + +Mine went away, and now i dont have much in my head of thougts emotions and feelings. + +My memory is complete crap. + +I live life in this strange 2D without any feeling or emotion. + +I dont know if a constant state of hyperarousal and OCD might have fried my brain. Also bad reaction to B12! + +I think my nervous system is severly desensetized!! How can i make it more sensitive again? + +Anyone else experience this and get better? Like they cant even Feel themselves?",Stress +29471,"Please don't make me feel worse. I mean, hell, I'm ashamed I even need to ask my boyfriend. But at least we have things to talk about and he's just naturally good at keeping me calm without even realizing he's doing it. He actually *helps* by being there. My mom and sister either do nothing or make it worse.",Stress +27379,"You can see the detail on my [update 2 right and here's a link to the [project github So I'm begging you here, literally begging you. If there's anyone out there who would be kind enough to give me a second chance to fix my fuck up and finish my degree, would you please consider giving me some financial aid via [my goFundMe I'm literally in dire need of help right here and I don't know where else to turn other than the people of the internet :( ***Kind regards,",Stress +28892,"*Major trigger warning* I find comfort in confined spaces, and can spend prolonged time in confined spaces verycomfortably. This is odd to most people, but I’ll explain why. When I was with my parents, they were super abusive. They forced me to watch animals die, and frequently changed around my room so I wasn’t familiar with it. They forcefully put splinters in my feet, allowed men to sexually assault me, and they even pepper sprayed me a couple times as a 2 year old.",Stress +29197,"I am SO PISSED just because i look tired and wearing dirty clothes doesnt mean Im up to no good. I have already filed a complaint with the bbb, attorney general, called my bank to see if i can get that money back. Im thinking while Im stuck here, to contact the local news paper. This man and his housekeeper wife, whom I forgot to add, called me a ""skank"" Im dead serious. So i was falsely accused and insulted, and had my money robbed.",Stress +48822,My fave stress management tool One of my favorite things for stress is regular use of Nuvita CBD. It’s a total game changer for how I perceive and handle stress in my life. Here’s my affiliate link and discount code if you wanna check it out. [Discount code: Hummingbird](https://nuvitacbd.com/?als=6062),Stress +28321,"He knew about this. He asks me if I want to stop. I'm violently sobbing, so yes, of course I want to stop. He holds me for a couple of minutes. And then he starts talking about T again, even though we'd broken up the sexual arrangement months ago.",Stress +48769,"Everything has fallen on me and I'm stressed out I'm already spread thin and stressed to the max. My husband is out of town for two weeks for family reasons and I feel overwhelmed with everything. We also haven't been apart for more than a few days in 9 years. + +The last few says have been especially rough. I've been having to drive home in the middle of the day to let our dog out and and give her meds. We have opposite schedules so he usually does those things before he goes to work. I don't always find parking again when I get back from taking care of her either. We adopted another dog right before he left too which I was hesitant to do. In just 3 days he's already needed to go to the vet twice. Once to look at his neuter incision and again later this week for what appears to be allergies or a virus. We have another dog who's been with us since before we got married. She's undergoing chemo treatment but is doing well. I worry about her catching something if he's sick. I've been sleeping on the couch the past few nights to keep him apart from her because she sleeps in our bedroom and he doesn't need to be jumping on the bed. He also wakes himself and me up multiple times a night because of his stuffy nose. On top of all that, I ran over a bunch of nails in the road and of course one got into my tire. I'm also struggling with school right now. + +I'm stressed and frustrated all around. My husband left to his dad's home country to bury him and spend two weeks with his family there. I'm glad he was able to go, but I feel bad that part of me is upset with him about leaving this long. I took on all the responsibilities we share plus extra so he could go. He hasn't even been gone a week yet. I don't know how I'm going to keep everything up until he gets back. My stress management techniques are poor. Other than sleeping, there's nothing that helps me alleviate stress.",Stress +30110,"For example, she told me I was too stubborn. This is definitely true but she criticized my political opinions, my social behaviors, and my pop culture opinions in addition to just my relationship with her. She also constantly mocks me when we fight, literally repeating my words back to me in a childish/cartoony voice and putting words in my mouth. She refuses to listen to my point of view. We recently got into a fight where I thought a Christmas present my father had gotten me was cheaper than it was.",Stress +48458,"Does anyone else get sore aching legs and body pain from being in a constant state of worry and stress I’ve been super stressed and anxious lately because of a lot of stressors at home plus feeling like I have no one to share them with. My family has been going through insane amount of financial issues and debts so I don’t know if this is a cause // effect. + +In the past 5 months I’ve diagnosed myself with all types of cancers ( because I had blood in my stool due to hemmoroids ) I’ve had swollen nodes in my neck etc. + +My body has acted out in all kinds of ways over the past few months and I’ve been visiting all doctors where nothing major has been diagnosed but I can’t stop worrying. I had got my blood work done 3 months ago and it was all good, now with the body pain I feel like getting it again because I feel like some new cancer mah have developed. + +The past week has been literal hell where my muscles are constantly extremely aching. My legs have been so sore, I wake up every night from 2 AM to 5 AM with leg // stomach pain and anxiety attacks plus my guts have been churning and I’m constantly worrying about things. + +Has anyone else got these symptoms weird anxiety symptoms ? Sometimes I don’t even realise that I’m clenching my leg muscles they ache so much. + +Sorry for freaking out and posting about all of this. I’ll appreciate some good vibes / validation + +I’m 29/F",Stress +49001,"essential oil diffuser not doing its job i got the target brand one today, and im using it as the box instructs, 5 drops , water to the max line and its been a few hours and it doesnt seem to be giving any “aromatherapy” being an understatement lol. any idea? can i use more oil drops that what is reccomended?",Stress +49389,"I feel stuck somehow I’m (16) doing my IGCSE exams in a few months, mocks in 2 weeks and I know I’m smart, I know I have the ability to get through it but I get so stressed thinking about it that I just freeze and feel like crying. I grind my teeth and bite my tongue I don’t want to be an utter failure at life. I’m scared of amounting to nothing because I want to do many things, I’ve always had high expectations for myself. I’m tired, I’m scared and I don’t know how to end this cycle and actually do my work. I take to long to sleep and keep waking up, my back always hurts, my neck hurts like crap whenever I see people with good grades because I feel like my grades would be lower and I hate being academically inferior. I feel like I’m going to fail anyway so might as well ignore it and enjoy my time and I know it’s wrong but I am so scared and I don’t know why.",Stress +49467,"Lets lose the fears + +Fear is a normal emotion that every human experiences when faced with physical or emotional threats. When a child rides a bicycle for the first time or when a fresher attends an interview or people go on a roller coaster, we are facing the fear of uncertainty. But when these emotions become intense or prolonged disturbing our thoughts and actions, it becomes anxiety. Then we need to take steps to overcome it. [Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/13/5-ways-to-overcome-fear-of-change/)",Stress +29872,"I am worried that I may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to a few notable symptoms/issues that I experience. (I also have one notable traumatic experience involving an accident my father was in, he got hit by a bus when I was seventeen and almost died, which I do have nightmares and flashbacks of, but that is a different story.) Does anyone have any idea if this is possible to have the disorder due to a multitude of experiences? Thank you for any advice, help, or information in advance. It is greatly appreciated.",Stress +49202,"My stress is out of control Quick brief : 25F first born daughter, ideally most responsible in family. Over achiever in school and life as general. Grew up in a high overstimulating environment. Always planning ahead + + +Current : I’ve always been great have blocking out my stress or simply over working through my stress but it seems has if my mind has ran out of storage space and my stress is showing up in physical ( weight loss, withdrawn , isolation , lack of motive , hopeless ness )….. once again the over achiever in me is trying to over ride that with exercising / yoga, prayer, new goals and hobbies….. ( more stress for my schedule because I have to maintain knowing I’m stressed out already ). + + +Emotional well-being : lost two family members back to back and ended a few friendships so I feel uncertain about life, trying to adapt to change and feeling unsafe and insecure + + +Symptoms : 2020 physical panic attacks +Late 2020 -2021 burst into hives +2022 physical stomach pain thought I had an ulcer . Stomach burning real bad when stressed ( endoscopy procedure was done i believe ) +2023 itchy neck face palms stomach …. Entire body + +Medication : benerdyl , hydro poxmate ( can’t spell and too overwhelmed to look it’s an anxiety allergy med for hives ) + +I’m in therapy slowly helping but I need advice on someone whose actually expended and over came “ calm down “ is not enough. I’d like to get this under control for a bet te r future",Stress +48905,"Is this a psychological condition? Or just inability to deal with stress? Hi, I don't know if it's the right place to post this but lately I have been figuring out the features of a life-long problem of mine. I would call it the simple inability to manage stress but I want to be more specific and Im curious if other people can feel the same based on how I describe it. I would describe the relation between me and stress in this way: + +\- The incapacity to accept stress and everyday fatigue as a normal part of life (referred also to very simple tasks) + +\- The forced splitting between ""bad days"" and ""good days"" where in the bad days Im not allowed to feel good because of some stressful tasks to do that basically ruin the whole day, while in the good days Im not allowed to feel stressed because ""Im not supposed to feel so"" and Im not meant to do some extra stuff that would cause some fatigue. It also ends up in hating the ending of a ""good day"" becuase tomorrow is gonna be a ""bad day""... You know when sunday is ending and monday is the next day, or also when you're coming back from a vacation, Basically the inability of enjoying the moment because my mind is always projected in the future. + +\- Rejection of the idea of facing new stressful situations: this becomes particulary strong whenever I just came through some stressful stuff, my mind sells to me a higher level of stress tolerance/performance in a particular moment, with the promise that Im not going to face new similar situations in the future... I use to motivate myself during difficult moments with the thought that afler that everything is over, Im going to rest and it's gonna be a good time. But this also tricks my mind into thinking that there are not going to be similar stressful situations in the future overall, which obviously can't be true. + +\- The high expectation before a supposed ""good day"" or ""good time"" is about to come... as if it's going to be a super regenerating moment for me that will restore all my power of will. This is not rational and not realistic most of the times because everyone would never get enough of a ""good time"" and unpleasant things can happen during a planned good time as well. + +\- Feeling envious towards people who are not going through a stressful moment while I am. Focusing almost in an obsessive way on other people around me who are chilled and are not facing anything difficult. In those moments I forget that everyone has stressful moments just not at the same time, I am the free person when other are facing hard moments. + +\- the excessive anxiety and discomfort before a task that I know its' going to be stressful... also an easy one. As if my mind was trying to convince me that Im never supposed to be stressed and that's not normal for me doing stuff that I don't like even if they're necessary.",Stress +48361,"Take part in 2minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +28823,"Every once and a while I will get this over whelming feeling in my head where I feel really out of it, and freaked out. I will feel like I haven’t slept in a bit, I don’t feel like me. I’m anxious but also tired and I wanna just go take a nap. But my inner self tells me that I am going to have a seizure. I don’t have seizures or anything and I am completely healthy.",Stress +28271,"When I went back the next day he said the good news was he wasn't going to lie to me anymore. He said ""if you can take a raping like that and still come back, there's nothing I could do to make you leave."" And ""There's no point in lying any more"" He always told me from then on when he was cheating, doing something wrong, etc. I thought about turning him in. I took some pictures on my phone to maybe show the police.",Stress +27785,"Grad school isn’t really the easiest place to parent alone. Assistantships don’t pay you enough to live off of by yourself (Mine nets me a little less than $800 a month, rent is $750), let alone with a tiny human that needs a particular type of education. They also require you commit to 20 hours a week of on campus work. Essentially meaning, you can’t really hold a full time job anywhere. On top of this, working another part time becomes difficult because work hours have to coincide with the hours your little one is at school, and with 20 hours a week on campus already, that leaves little time to actually work anywhere else during school hours.",Stress +29892,I had a panic attack and broke down crying in front of my mom. She scheduled me an appointment for therapy and I just feel like bleh. I dont care about getting better right now. My whole body is in shock from that panic attack and I just feel like death. I honestly doubt I will get better,Stress +30136,"While sitting on my normally-quiet front porch today, one of my unbelievably extroverted neighbors was carrying on the loudest conversation I've ever heard on a quiet street. Her conversation partners used a normal volume - she was the only one yelling words at the top of her lungs. I wanted to snap her clueless little head off. Or at the very least, tell her to shut the f$*( up. Grumpy?",Stress +28693,"I know the best thing for me is to find a new job, but I've been applying for quite awhile now with no luck and I really don't want to move to another job that I don't enjoy and will make me feel the exact same way. I sort of think I have an idea of what I want to do, but I have no idea how to make it happen while still paying my bills so I've been applying to anything that seems like it might be relevant to me, but I'm not sure the right way to go about getting into a field I don't have a degree in. Because of this I feel trapped in my job right now and it gets so bad some days where I feel like just walking out and quitting or just not going in ever again. I'm rambling at this point, does anyone else deal with a job that makes them completely miserable? How do you deal with it?",Stress +29703,"Where do I go with this kind of shit? I'm not violent or suicidal, so the hospital is a no go. But I don't really know where you seek help outside the ER. I dunno the process, how you set up organized appointments, how you pay (got insurance however), don't know any of it All I know is the shit I've seen really affects me to the point where I have a home and a job yet still feel so disconnected from normal society",Stress +28582,"Hi r/anxiety, So lately my anxiety/hypochondria has been through the roof. I convince myself that I have all of these symptoms and then my body actually feels like it produces them. I never know when something is actually wrong. Lately since my anxiety has gotten so bad I have begun biting my nails even worse than usual, picking my toe nails and picking any form of acne on my face or body.",Stress +48461,"Stress and anxiety are no joke The tension I get is so bad. I can feel it in my neck and my head. Tension headaches like crazy. The tension makes me feel foggy and almost disassociated. I've started having migraines too. 39 years old without ever having them until this past year. Really need to get a grip on my stress because it's so awful trying to live life while feeling this way. I've tried meditation, stretches, heat therapy. It does help but I can't just address my stress when it surfaces. I have to figure out how to keep it under control during normal life so as to avoid getting to this point.",Stress +48548,"Years of waking up nauseous +Someone I care about a lot wakes up nauseous every morning since he was about 6 years old(he is 21 years old now). Some days are worse, some days are a bit better but he always wakes up nauseous. It is probably because of stress or/and anxiety. I am trying to find people who have or had the same problem and what do you know about it? And did you ever get better?",Stress +28979,"I'm not the kind of guy who likes to ask for help with things like this, especially when it feels like there are so many people with worse problems, but after three years of trying to save up on a disabled person's income with nothing but failure (as soon as I have a little saved, something else comes up), and at the encouragement of my online acquaintances, I have decided to try setting up a gofundme account in order to get dentures: I feel like I have tried every government assistance program and charity in the US, but as a 35 year old male, there is no help for me. I'm not young enough for assistance, I'm not old enough for assistance, and I am not a female with kids, so there is just no help available. As proof here is the thread I made three years ago. I wasn't asking for anything then, just showing off the teeth I had pulled: ",Stress +28528,"My mom noticed and she started screaming at him, and they start having a heated argument. I was not that old at the time, so I didn’t have a cell phone. My mom had one though and it was sitting on the table. E had his in his back pocket and was a little away from me, so I ran and grabbed my mom’s phone. I turned my back to him, and tried to dial 911, but before I could E grabbed the phone out of my hand, and put it in his other back pocket.",Stress +48928,"How do I not stress about something MAJOR? I’m always stressed about little things or things not under my control etc etc. but this time it’s about something actually life-changing and what I do or say could absolutely change the outcome entirely. This is very important and very serious and the tiniest error in my part could severely cost me. How am I not supposed to stress about it? I’m thinking about it all the time even when I try my best not to by going out, watching something, playing a game, or even trying to nap (I have dreams about it). It’s gotten to the point where it’s affecting my overall health. I feel fatigued, depressed, and anxious… much, much more than usual. This also isn’t something that’s gonna be quick and short, it’s something that will be ongoing for years… it technically has already been going on for years but now it’s about to get so much more serious. Anyway, what am I supposed to do?",Stress +48497,This might help you The Serenity Prayer is one of the prayers that brings peace of mind. It unlocks the optimism oneself and drives the composure while you are focusing on wrong things which you cannot control….[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/12/take-back-control-with-the-serenity-prayer/),Stress +49360,"Worried about my gap year I am a college senior and lately I have been stressed to the point that it has been affecting my sleep schedule. Currently I am taking a gap year to retake some prerequisites and study for the MCAT med school, I don’t live at home due to my school being far away, but I am stress that I have to be at home and study for it. I didn’t have my own room before I left to college. I had to lose one of the unused rooms in my house as my personal room, unfortunately, my parents decided that they prefer this room compared to the master bedroom. It was fine at the moment because I was away at college and I had a house near my school. Now that I’m about to graduate and hopefully move back home to save money I have brought up this issue if I could get the room back but instead of hearing me out, they had stated that I can just go to the library study. I am not sure whether or not I should just suck it up and move back home or save up enough money to move out officially. Any advice would be wonderful!",Stress +49143,"I barely out of my teens 19 [F] I'm just so stressed out and I'm barely even 20 I literally have no job because the world is so fuckinv useless my bullshit deadbeat parents are gone out of my life not even just my parents the whole family is gone. I'm so sick of living, I'm tired of people flexing having jobs it's always sobbing dumbass adults with 30 year experience talking about ""well I got a job easily at 19"" LIKE STFU I hate it it's so annoying I can't get privacy anymore i can't make money I cant go to college because of fund, transportation and I'm an idiot because I'm some dumb kid with a learning disability I'm just SO DONE I was born for failure I cant even get an art career let alone a regular job WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!? Made a stupid resume, walked my happy ass to multiple jobs that are so called hiring, filled out so may job applications I just don't wanna be here anymore why am I even here?!? I'm losing my fucking mind to the point I'm writing a subreddit I don't get it why was I cured??? Had siblings with disabilities, drug addict parents, a family that allowed my parents to abuse me and my sisters ever day because ""oh I didnt know"" or ""oh I'm sorry they did that to you"" BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT then I came out as an idiot with learning disabilities, mental illnesses like WHY?WHY WHY WHY?!?! I'm so stressed out its driving me crazy",Stress +49281,"Lower back, butt and leg pain due to stress? Has anyone else felt constant back & leg pain (or even general muscle pain on any part of the body due to stress? + +I have never had back problems, ever. Knock on wood, I’ve had no accidents, no sciatic issues, no joint issues, pinched nerve issues or broken bones etc. + +That being said, I’ve been undergoing a lot of stress lately. The pain has been building up for a few days but tonight, I’m experiencing increased pain! Feels like the origin is the right side of my lower back and the pain radiates down through my butt cheek into my calf (pain is not travelling to foot). It‘s not a sharp pain. It’s more of a gnawing, dull but steady pain. Feels as if I’ve been punched HARD several times in the said area and I only get a bit of relief if I curl up in my side in the fetal position. + +I found literature online saying that stress can cause these symptoms but I just find it so bizarre. Am I really that fragile thay stress could cause so much havoc? I’m in my 30s. No major health issues. I did have mild covid 1.5 weeks ago though. The only other thing I can think of is the fact that I’ve been sitting a lot due to studying for exams nonstop. Weird because I’ve spent more time sitting and studying in the past, but had no back issues at that time. + +I will be seeing my doc next Monday so I will update the chat but wow this pain is gnarly.",Stress +28177,This isn’t so much a cry for help but I just want to rant about all my problems somewhere and this seems like the place. I’ve had anxiety for a few years now but this year I’m full on depressed. I’ve considered running away so many fucking time but I always feel bad for those I’m trying to leave. I’ve never self harmed (thankfully) but I’m always bummed out and paranoid. College is surprisingly the only thing that doesn’t make me anxious.,Stress +29479,"Hey guys, I'm 31, moved to a new city with my wife for the first time back in October, and am experiencing on and off anxiety for more or less the first time in my life. A couple quick questions: 1. How do I know whether I should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist?",Stress +27734,"I mean what are you suppose to do when your son is 5 and his older brother who is 16 is picking on him. He was too big for them to punish. So I endured it , some days I hate my whole family for never saying anything. They just were okay with me being scared of my brother constantly. Fast forward to me being 18 living with my other brother.",Stress +29943,"I usually ""vocalize"" with rocking then I end up pretty catatonic for a while then mute for another couple hours. I'm stuck in the mute part right now. Too scared to leave my bed, can't talk, and hoping it ends soon. Anyone else wail then go mute? Have you found anything that helps get your voice back?",Stress +27392,"I feel like I will never trust my own judgement again. 3) I fucking HATE being this person. I hate being a victim. I would never judge anyone else in my situation, but I can’t stand having to see myself as someone who was abused. My grandfather abused my grandmother her whole marriage and I always felt like, because of that, I would always be on the lookout.",Stress +27833,A few years ago I witnessed an accident at this time of year and I am beginning to remember it again. At night I hear the sound and burst into tears and calm down until I hear it again and start crying. I didn’t know the person involved but I was one of the closest to it when it happened but I’m beginning to sort of enjoy the release from crying and fantasize about telling people about it. I feel guilty for this indulgence and feel like maybe I am just looking for attention. I have always had bad anxiety and mild depression so is it just that?,Stress +27586,"I don't want to leave my house because I know that everyone knows what she's saying about me and EVERYONE BELIEVES IT. this was all over the fact I blocked her because she was toxic. I'm losing it, Reddit. I'm losing my mind. I can't stop crying i can't eat, all I've been thinking about is killing myself.",Stress +30170,"Even when she hated me, I didn't hate her. There weren't enough good friends in my life for me to afford hating her, and there still aren't. I can't describe it. She and my mom were chatting at dinner (they're the talkers of the family), and the whole time, I was just glaring at her. She tried talking to me, and I felt my entire body physically tense, and I was just viscerally angry.",Stress +28753,"I might be homeless soon, I have about 500 dollars in my bank account and I NEED to get out of Massachusetts. I am going to be a college drop-out in my 3rd year due to family reason instead of academics. After a lot of research, I am contemplating between Wichita, Kansas and Columbus, Ohio. I really just want a minimum wage job where I can have a bed and private bathroom. Afterward I can get my life together and start taking programming jobs again.",Stress +29256,"Fast foward almost a year later.. My mom begs me to let stepfather move back in with us (Im 16, paying a lot of the bills while my mom parties, leaving me to watch my 2 little brothers.). Well, I say f*ck it because she'll probably do it anyway. Two months after he moves in, I was raped by the person I was dating at the time.. I was a virgin. I cried and begged him to stop.",Stress +29719,"Between losing my job, my unborn baby and my husband losing his job I am overwhelmed and pretty much numb. Bills are piling up fast and I don't know what to do anymore. I make vinyl decals but just started out so I am not making much at the moment. My husband just did paperwork for a new job today and I am waiting to hear back on a job I interviewed for. Unfourtunatley it won't be soon enough because the finance company for my car called and said I need to pay $439 by tomorrow, another $439 by the end of the month.",Stress +27676,"He suddenly wanted to have a relationship with her, which I saw as a good thing. I said he could come over to visit as often as he wanted, he just needs to tell me before hand so I can be home. We decided to give our relationship another shot and I got pregnant again immediately. We moved into a house together, I had really horrible morning sickness this time and Bob got disgusted with my neediness and moved out again a week later, leaving me in a huge house I can't afford or maintain, again far away from any form of support necessary for a pregnant mother of a young kid. He seems to love his kid very much but has no concept of taking responsibility.",Stress +48900,"I just can’t do it anymore I can’t handle the stress anymore. I feel fine for a while, but there’s always something. Something always happens that I can’t handle. + +Something goes wrong or something isn’t working properly, or just anything. + +Then it’s all I can think about and it just makes me feel so bad. + +This always happens. I never seem to get any better at dealing with it. I just can’t handle it anymore. + +It just seems like nothing can ever go right. Everything always has to go wrong. Nothing can ever be simple. And I just can’t handle it. I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed.",Stress +29757,"3: This is the big one. I'm currently unemployed, as I was in school (paid for by the Department of Rehabilitation), so I cannot meet ANY income requirement. Even places that overlook my felony won't budge on this. To top it off, I have nobody who is both able and willing to co-sign. I've tried offering more up front to no avail.",Stress +27667,"So now they are querying whether he has a traumatic brain injury suffered a year before we got together and that now he has progressing brain damage. At this point my nurse self kicks in, I can't not help someone in that situation. I feel sorry for him I don't want him to be hurt or alone. But I also want to hate him and leave. So my incredibly long winded question to you is this: if he has brain damage is this an excuse or a reason?",Stress +28909,My therapist told me to do some free writes about my anxiety and OCD thoughts (being afraid of panic attacks and fear I will act on violent thoughts) and in the book Imp Of The Mind the author talks about writing out thoughts. I just don't know how to set it up. Do you write as if the thought came true? Do you just write the thought is there and why it isn't true? Anyone do anything like this?,Stress +48804,"Why are some people care free and others can’t stop stressing? I feel like I’m always surrounded by people who seem to be so care free. They never worry about anything and wave their hand at any problem they seem to come across. Basically the “who cares, if it happens it happens” mindset. It makes me envy those people because I feel like I’m always worried about every scenario and “what if this what if that?” Is it possible to change into that mindset of not caring or worrying about something until or when it happens? I’ve tried so many times but can’t seem to get there. My mind is over analyzing every possible scenario 24/7 and idk how to stop. I feel like if I come across a situation that is out of my control, my mind just freaks out and I loose sleep and over analyze every possible scenario and the only way to be calm is to not be in that situation to begin with.",Stress +29092,"Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th.",Stress +49159,very stressfull job So I'm an engineer for a factory and we are super busy. It is my job to start the production machines and keep them running everyday. I work 70 hours a week and I'm so tired. Everyday something goes wrong and work expects me to stay late all week. I already work 10 plus hours a day. I don't know what to do,Stress +28181,"I need help. My partner's house is a mess. That is an understatement, he has over 60 empty beverage containers on his coffee table, he has over 30 fruit flies flying around, and the odour is disgusting. I don't know what to do, it's getting harder and harder for me to go over there. It worries me because I am a clean person, everything has it's spot.",Stress +29827,Apparently it has been going on since the day they moved in together. I don't know what to tell her thought. Since her husband is a good friend of me and my husband it's kinda weird for me to say 'leave him' or 'get out' I don't want to influence any decision she makes. What should I tell her? Tl;dr: friends husband is aggresive and I don't know what to tell her,Stress +48724,"Does Having A Constant Level Of Stress Negate The Effects Of Physical Therapy? I'm currently going to a physio for knee pain, I also have constant muscle tension in my back. I don't sleep well, work early hours of the morning. I don't know, the physio helps a little bit (and I do a few things for my back as well) but I sort of feel like I may be pushing it uphill as long as I have stress and anxiety. Any tips?",Stress +49218,"Understanding Anxiety Causes And Symptoms And Treatment Options Anxiety is a normal part of life, but it can become overwhelming for some. It’s important to understand the causes and symptoms of anxiety so you can recognize it in yourself or someone else, as well as know what treatment options are available. In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look at understanding anxiety – from its causes and symptoms to the various approaches to treating it. + +&#x200B; + +When faced with stressful situations such as work deadlines or personal issues, many people experience feelings of worry or fear that can lead to physical sensations like tightness in their chest or increased heart rate. These are all common signs of anxiety, something that everyone experiences on occasion. However, when these feelings become chronic and interfere with everyday tasks, they may be indicative of an anxiety disorder. + +&#x200B; + +There are numerous treatments available for those suffering from anxiety disorders ranging from lifestyle changes to psychotherapy and medication if needed. Learning more about how your body responds to stressors and triggers can help you manage your own emotions better and make informed decisions when seeking professional help. By exploring the different aspects of understanding anxiety through this article, you will gain valuable insight into managing your own mental well-being. This can help you to develop healthy coping mechanisms and better communication skills that will benefit you in the long run. + +[https://beautyaal.com/understanding-anxiety-causes-and-symptoms-and-treatment-options/](https://beautyaal.com/understanding-anxiety-causes-and-symptoms-and-treatment-options/)",Stress +29032,"They told me I wouldn’t be allowed back to my house until my court date in a MONTH. And even that is certain. Well I found a friend that I can stay with for another 2 days but after that I’m unsure of what to do. I’m currently unemployed don’t even have a license, there’s literally no one I can stay with my parents are refusing to talk to me. I’m genuinely not sure what to do with myself but I’m scared and feel so alone.",Stress +29590,"Long story short: Worked in a call centre for 4 years for a vehicle breakdown service, starting to not be able to cope with it any more due to a combination of things (change in management, not enough staff for a constantly expanding customer base, rewards based on whether your face ""fits"" rather than actual demonstrable achievements, etc). Unable to relax after work, constantly thinking/dreading going to work. Get random mood swings about it, either intensely rageful, or wanting to burst in to tears. Headaches that go on for 3 or 4 days at a time are now a regular occurence. Starting to manifest in other physical ways (unable to sleep, constantly weary, having a lot more sickness than usual).",Stress +27566,"For no reason, I'll just wake up with anxiety like feelings. Stomach ache, uneasiness, some sort of dread, or feeling like any little thing would bring me over the edge and have a panic attack. I don't understand why and it can last for a long time. Anyways. Sometimes the breathing exercises help take the edge off it, but it doesn't fully help.",Stress +48732,Chronic lifelong stress to severe depression Has anyone here had lifelong chronic stress followed by peace which led to severe depression?,Stress +48725,"Everything in life is great except my stressful line of work making me feel like it’s better to just end it I (20s/F) have everything I could possibly want. I have a house in a nice area, an amazing fiancé that I can’t wait to start a family with, a well paying job… but I feel like I’ve been going insane. + +I’m sleep deprived, can’t take care of myself, can’t be there for my family, fiancé, take care of my house, still wish my fiancé would’ve wanted to elope because I have hated wedding planning cause of my stress and anxiety, and just feel like I’m failing no matter how hard I try. + +I’ve been in this line of work for a few years now, and I have awful anxiety about it, and sometimes it just feels like nothing is worth it …and now that I even have the things I wanted in life, I still don’t want to be here. + +I dual majored in engineering and have worked in the auto industry since I was 18. Due to graduating right when covid hit, I lost all my interview for dream positions, and somehow ended up in supervisor/operations roles at plants. I am extremely thankful for the experience I’ve gotten (I genuinely believe I can do anything after this) and now am doing it with the company I wanted to work for and am on a good shift now instead of night shift. I work my butt off, always have… cause I feel like I’m this industry if I’m not the best I’ll be considered the “bimbo female hire”. I have a lot of support from higher ups and constantly get told I’ll be able to move onto a more technical role outside of the plants sooner than late so it feels like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. However, some days it feels like it’s never going to end… 60+ hour weeks, constant overtime, you receive crap from hourly and the salary above you, pretty hostile work environment, the building should be condemned how nasty and unsanitary it is… you name it. Half the stuff that’s said or done would be HR fireable offenses at the offices. You just become just as crappy if you’re there long enough too. I have constant breakdowns and then feel guilty for feeling that way. I just feel hopeless. Seeing my coworkers getting stuck/held back is adding major fuel to the fire as well. + +Sorry about how ranty this is. Can’t really get my thoughts straight.",Stress +49369,"What do you do when your overwhelmed with stress? I don't have an actual reason to be stressed right now. But, right now I just feel overwhelmed. What are some healthy things I can do to manage the build up of stress?",Stress +28973,i was anxious because the waiting room was full of crying babies and kids. i have no clue if i really have tachardiya or my heart rate increased because of my anxiety. i just dont get it i visited doctors many times and this is the 1st time this happened. i measured my heart rate over 100 times over a month period using heart rate app on phone it said my heart rate avrege is 77bpm and it goes lower to 64 when i just wake up. I JUST DONT GET IT IM SCARED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!,Stress +48947,"my future. It's my first time on reddit typing this sort of rant, hope it's not too boring. I'm currently 15, I still feel like it's 2021, I keep hearing ""these 2 years are going to fly by really quick"" (for context, I'm in Singapore, in secondary 3) from my parents. It's true, and within 1 year and around 5 months I have to come up with what i want to do in the future. + +I gotta come up with what junior college or polytechnic I want to go to, what career path I aspire to follow, but I can't make up my mind. 5 years old, I want to be a doctor. 10, I want to be a nurse. 13, I want to be an engineer. 14, I want to be a teacher. My mind runs in circles and I can't make up my mind. It drives me insane, I keep worrying whether I'll actually enjoy what I'll be doing in the future. I feel terrible. My grades are atrocious and I still choose the most stressful topics. Additional maths, pure triple science, higher mother tongue, and in comparison to those in my class, I am at the bottom of the leaderboard. Everyday goes by and I go through it slowly and I wonder if I actually enjoy living. I dunno what to do man.",Stress +48414,"I ask you from the bottom of my heart to help me....... **P.s The whole essence of the problem is in the second paragraph, the first paragraph is about me** + + +I am 18 years old, I have a weak nervous system from birth, but a strong character, and because of three years of serious problems in life, the death of several close people, my nervous system has failed and I probably have chronic anxiety.**From below I will describe everything that I have tried, if you have something to say, I beg on my knees, help me** + + +I tried meditation for 40 minutes a day, breathing techniques and much more of this type - but I came to the conclusion that this is not a solution to the problem, but a group control of my mind +I have tried a very large number of different herbs, ashwagandha, sacred basil.Also, different supplements - taking longer than 1 month and zero results, at most it became a little easier, but it is almost imperceptible.Personally, I think that these herbs, supplements are mostly utter nonsense, which has a lot of side effects, stupid studies that were not conducted in real life or just made to promote the product +I tried using reishi mushroom, cbd oil from a proven brand, tried vaping and other ways of using and everything is even + + +Please do not recommend medications or any herbs of the ""kava"" type, which has a hundred side effects, it is better to die than to eat this shit.If you really know a ""magic supplement, herb or something else"" about which few people know and it HELPED YOU OR YOUR FRIEND, ACQUAINTANCE - tell it to me please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please + +**Do not think that I am the type of people who have tried 1 product and immediately gave up, I am a person who ALWAYS GOES TO the END and will never accept defeat.I really spent a hundred hours analyzing this topic for the most part, and 99% of all the information is just a stinky slag bitch and it's impossible to fucking find adequate information.I searched in YouTube in different languages, also in Google itself for different queries in different languages, on Twitter and Facebook and found nothing working.If you have read this mini-post, thank you so much for at least thinking about the possible help to a stranger.All the best to you!!!!!!!**",Stress +29991,"I even tried to settle this outside of their insurance so that their insurance rates wouldn't go up. I feel afraid every time it becomes nighttime and when I have to go to school, because I know there is a chance I may see him again. I don't know how to stop thinking about what happened that night, what I could have done differently, or what would have happened if someone had come to save me. It's hard to tell my family I've begun to think about killing myself again. I've struggled with depression for years and this incident has only made it so much worse.",Stress +30001,"(TW sexual abuse mentions) When I was 14 I was sexually abused regularly for 8 months, resulting in PTSD, and recently I realised that afterwards I completely changed how I looked. I went from being this pretty normal looking student, short cropped hair, I would wear normal casual clothing on weekends, I was healthy, all that, now, over three years later I look completely different, I'm stick thin, hair grown out past my shoulders, I only wear black and almost always clothes that cover as much of me as possible, heavy scarring covering the majority of my body, and messy facial hair growing in. I feel like I've completely altered myself so nobody is tempted to hurt me again, like I'm blaming how I looked for what happened, so completely changing it seemed like the most sensible thing. I've never heard of anyone else doing this before though, is this normal?",Stress +27726,"I was cleaning my house with bleach, got a nasty burn in my throat when I woke up the next day. Day later it went away, but the day after that I got the worst body aches, chills, 100.6 fever, and dizziness for 2 days. It all cleared up but I have had this dry cough for 4 days now with no relief, it keeps me up at night, and I go into these coughing fits. What should I Do? I can't see a doctor for 2 more weeks as I am out of town on a job, i think I am a hypocongiract so ii worry a lot lol.",Stress +28559,"Broken bones, concussion. He broke my glasses in half, destroyed my TV and dvd player. He tore my clothes off but luckily didn't rape me. He did however scare me so much that I twice defecated in his room. The kicks to my face came about every 15-20 mins, when he would work himself up while yelling.",Stress +27702,"Who do I talk to at this point, the Command Equal Opportunity Officer (e-7) who basically says she will look into it but doesn't seem concerned. There is a stigma about asking for help in the Navy and it needs to change. Basically, if you take any meds you get treated like a black sheep. If you go to medical and they give you meds, you get removed from your duties and everyone else carries your load while you are forced to stand around them not allowed to do anything. If you do get out of the navy because you spoke out about being depressed, anxious, or having symptoms of PTSD then you would be seperated from the Navy and sent home.",Stress +28178,"Perhaps as a result I feel awful about wanting more from him, I feel like it's incredibly ungrateful of me because he does do so much good for me and is really good to me in so many ways. Especially with my depression and stuff he deals with a lot of household stuff in addition to working way more than I do. I feel like shit for writing this post. **TL;DR - SO of over a decade is great to me in many ways and shit to me in other ways, I feel awful when he's shit to me but also feel guilty as fuck about expressing it because of all the times he's amazing to me. Wondering if this is emotional abuse and if it is, what can I do about it?",Stress +28856," About a month or two ago I saw my doctor about going on an anti anxiety med for general anxiety disorder (GAD) and was put on Lexapro. I've never taken an SSRI before, but I find it has helped me tremendously with my other anxiety symptoms. However, the globus still remains and I'm at my wits here about how to stop this sensation. Has anyone here experienced this? Is there a way to treat this?",Stress +29109,"And I woke up. It took 3 nurses and some sort of shot to calm me down when I woke up and I had to lay there limp for an hour in the recovery room by myself. They then put me in the maternity ward, sharing a room with a mother who just had her baby. The second surgery was a few days later because the surgery was incomplete. I found out when the part of the baby came out and I slipped on it in the bathroom, my husband found me in a pool of blood crying on the ground.",Stress +48542,"I can’t seem to handle the stress from any job I am 22, and I started a new job 2 weeks ago, where I work from home, doing mainly administrative tasks. I’ve started hating it - I have a lot of work and since I am new everything takes ages to finish. I am getting so stressed to the point that I think about work all the time instead of enjoying life. I quit my previous job after 5 months because I also found it to be stressful (there I had a lot less work and looking back it was not stressful). Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this stress? Also any ideas on less stressful jobs? I feel like I am stuck in the corporate cycle and not sure how I can get out. I can’t seem to find a job which I would enjoy",Stress +48870,"never experienced this much stress before, also i am young Hey guys, so basically yesterday, something happened which made me extremely stressed, like i never been this stressed before so it just fucked me up, it was health related, i talked to a few friends, i felt better and i do feel a lot better rn, but I'm not the usual me. This stress is taking a toll on me, mentally and physically, i also had Globus sensation for some time, it resolved though, so i just wanna know what I can do to overcome this and feel better both physically and mentally",Stress +48442,,Stress +30164,"She has not once shown disappointment. When she sees me get frustrated, she lays next to me and holds me. Asks me what I need to relax. But it's becoming a self perpetuating cycle and I'm getting panicky that this is going to drive a wedge between us because she will start to feel that she doesn't excite me or satisfy me or whatever. Before anyone asks, the pipes all work.",Stress +48387,"i cant keep up with anything and it’s taking both a physical and mental toll on me. everything just a jumbled mess right now and i can’t handle it. my cousin passing, school, being bullied for both my autism and abilities, my job, my diabetes, my parents, my friends, every single thing in my life is ruining me and i don’t know how to deal with it. + +ive tried everything. i don’t know anymore. im only 15, and i don’t have hope for anything. its just all too much.",Stress +48977,Break free from the habit of worrying! Here are hacks to break free from the habit of worrying and fearing and live a [stress-free life](https://fb.watch/dyEpXP1kSg/)!,Stress +29060,"I'm anxious right now I hope my life won't be miserable this year. I can't believe I have to get my eyes checked because one of them is getting sore. My life should be about me, not about medical doctors. I really love the idea of pain and sickness (sarcasm) I'm just so bloody sick of the crap. I really am.",Stress +49031,"I’m stressed due to work any advice So I’m currently working more then 50 hours and barely getting a day off due to someone deciding to quit while I was on holiday and to top it off we don’t have a manager and I’ve been left in charge of the place with barely any training and support, it’s affecting my personal life and my mental health",Stress +48533,"New years stress :-( Hi! I just need to tell this to somebody. 2023 is going to be ond of the hardest years. Probably not the hardest, but like really really really hard one. You know, in november and december I was so calm and not nervous but with the strike of midnight… I don’t know. It’s just… I had to organize my moms birthday today (which was succes, I guess), in 2 weeks I have a prom, then I need to have good grades for being able to do the maturity exam (Final exam you end high school with), then writing the exam, speaking part, choosing university, going to university…. Omg, so many important things in one year. Is it just me, or did also anybody else felt incredible pressure of the new year duties right with the strike of midnight?",Stress +27859,"My mom has always been a pushover and is known to give him money with no questions asked. Last night, my brother sent a group message to me and my sisters telling us to not tell our parents anything he is saying and that he loves us very much. He says he started selling drugs recently to make more money and some of his supply was stolen and now he's afraid his ""friend""/dealer will come after him. I offered to let him spend the night at my house if he felt unsafe, but he declined my offer and said that he'll take care of it. I tried to reassure myself that no dealer will kill someone over a missing gram of pot (he was advertising on snapchat) and I went to bed hoping that he would just get roughed up if anything.",Stress +49046,"Help with dealing with stress Hi everyone! New here! I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately and feel like I’m at my wits end and need some tips from you guys. How do you manage your stress levels? + +For background I am working at a job that causes me stress at times, but I’m also moving out of my house and preparing to move to another state to start grad school (I will quit my job first) and am just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have lost a lot of weight and now my hair is falling out 🙁 +I appreciate any help!",Stress +27366,"he still holds me back in life. he still finds ways to get to me. YET I STILL TALK TO HIM. and i always feel worse after i do. i've tried blocking him on social media, but he still finds ways to get to me.",Stress +29440,"I went there on autopilot, I was blank inside and I was ready to jump. My counsellor saw me through the window and called me on the phone, trying to distract me so she could send help over to me. Campus was pretty much empty, everyone in exams or already finished for the summer and I felt at peace. I was gently talked away from the edge by campus security and they took me to see my counsellor. I havent seen her since this happened and Im due back at uni next week.",Stress +29871,"As you can tell, this is quite a bit more than my ""income"" of 250... Today, I got my car tax bill; 190 euro. We do have a wellfare/social security thingie office, but they have turned me down, because their limit IS 250 (rent excluded, but they seriously claim that my brother SHOULD house and feed me...so I get nothing) Without the car, I can't GET to the little work I get - at this point, I can't buy fucking toilet paper - my brother loses about 300 euro per month supporting me (heating, food, hygiene) I don't even know what to do anymore.",Stress +29244,"Except now, the boyfriend's taken up drinking as he did before and has fallen back into his verbal and physically abusive habits. I'm not willing to take this anymore and I honestly fear for my safety when he has these psychotic mood swings. I have nowhere to go, though. No family or friends in this area and honestly, the area my family does live in was a ""living with druggies"" situation I do not want to be forced back into. I don't know what to do.",Stress +29784,"The only woman who ever treated me with respect, my nan, died a few months ago. This household is screwing with all of us. There's nothing we can do, because she refuses to seek help, so this will never change. I want to move out, but I have nowhere to go, no job, and no money. The best I can do is wait it out until someone dies, I suppose.",Stress +49279,"Anger boiling over Hi everyone! I’m struggling a lot lately and I’m hoping some of y’all have tips for me. + +Life has been hard lately and my stress is manifesting as anger. I keep telling people I’m entering my villain era because this is so abnormal for me. I am so frustrated at work because everything is falling on my shoulders while my boss stays lazy. I have low tolerance for stupid behavior and am calling people on their sh*t. My VP laughed at me when I tried to bring up an issue recently and I rage cry when I think about it. I’m finding myself being short with my friends and acting entirely self centered. + +This isn’t normal for me. I normally tolerate so much. I am compassionate and so empathetic and normally look to help everybody, and I’m just burnt out. I know it’s stress/anxiety. + +For a little context that I know is playing into it all: I just weaned off depression and anxiety meds around Christmas. My grandma died in January. My dad has cancer and is very sick right now. I just learned someone I work closely with was a suspect in a murder that remains a cold case…. + +I feel like I’m falling apart and I need advice of how to bring myself back. What do I do? How do I stop feeling so mad? Thank you ❤️",Stress +48982,how do I manage my stress with my situation right now? This is my first post here and right now I'm beyond stressing out to the point I can't even focus lifting weights at the gym. I had a random drug test on monday for work and I do smoke weed but honestly only at night to help me get to sleep since it's legal in Illinois I can do it but my work policy is I think anything over 200 nano grams and you don't pass the test I got I to work today and I've been freaking out massively about this since Monday I can keep from feeling like as soon as I go in to work today im gonna be fired and I can't lose this job.,Stress +48313,"Massive left ear pain in stressfull overwhelming situations? I noticed that everytime i am in a daylong stressfull Situation or get the overwhelmed feeling i react with thr same body symptoms. Worst factor is the massive left ear pain (not able to even touch it). +Most times it seems to start (and stay at) pulsatile tinnitus like effects. If i lay my head to the left side or on a pillow, i hear my pulse as swishing dumb sounds making me irritated extremly. +But as other sympathetic system symptoms add up, like fast breathing, fatigue from overwhelmed feeling,appetite loss and obviously higher bp, i get massive pain at left ear. + +I tried several treatments to get to know what that could be, antihistamines, nsaids, decreasing glutamate... Thinking it must be a combines inflammation/glutamate/adrenaline thing. + +Could anyone explain it and give me some recommendations? I suffer for years now and cant solve that.",Stress +30125,"It sent me into a full-blown crisis by breaking open the “no one believes me and I’m worthless” wound. I had to up my level of care, now I’m in IOP 5 days a week, 3+ hours a day. It’s given me just enough relief to return to weekly EMDR. I had my first session in this round, last week. It was the most physically symptomatic I’ve ever been in-session.",Stress +29599,"I’m trying to tell myself it’s like being beat up on the street by a stranger - it’s only once, but it still happened and it’s traumatic. 2) Related to the above. It WASN’T a stranger. It was someone I loved and trusted and I can’t believe he could have done this. He never treated me right, not truly (except maybe in the very beginning), but I never even saw this as a possibility.",Stress +29220,Since over the summer he has became homeless and gotten into drugs. He was living in his car and I was jogging one evening he approached me and he confronted me. I was so scared I kind of just stood there and he was insulting me and calling me every name in the book. He tried to get me to use my phone so he can call my mom and I denied his request. He said that if I don't let him use my phone he's going to stab.,Stress +29968,"I have several issues with anxiety, but urban driving is one of the worst. So of course, my wife drags me along to new york city and expects me to do the driving. Currently emotionally and physically exhausted. One of the worst things, one that i will cause me lose sleep at night is: im anxious because im unsure if paid a toll while traveling in a tunnel from JFK to jersey city. My rental has an easy pass, but it was dark, i was confused.",Stress +28826,"I think about it very often, wondering if I should just do it, get it over with, but something keeps holding me back. I wonder if this was my fault, that I would be turned away for not bringing it to their attention earlier, if I would be accused of participating, I keep wondering if they’ll believe an 18 year old or a 40 year old. Please, if anyone who is struggling reads this, please don’t let yourself fall into this trap. Don’t keep your mouth closed, don’t be polite, keep yourself safe no matter what that costs. I wish every day that I had quit that job sooner, that the second people warned me that I had had the nerve just to tell another manager how he was acting, that I had told anyone how uncomfortable and scared I was.",Stress +28679,I have no assets to sell outside of a broken android phone and have no family to ask for help from. I am about $150 short right now and have had to skip appointments to save money. My landlord has a quick temper and is not often understanding of late payments. I am on a month-to-month lease and am very afraid that I will lose my apartment. I have work prospects that should become viable within the next couple of weeks but I really need help to get to that point.,Stress +29054,"Things my boyfriend does make me feel bad sometimes (for no reason actually), like when he doesn´t text me back for a few hours ( because he´s really busy with work but he texts me back whenever he can, I know it ) and I start having weird thoughts, like ""Is he already tired or bored of me? Is this just another guy who made me fall in love with him and think that he loves me and cares about me, and he actually doesn´t give a damn about me?"" I don´t want to have these thoughts, so I try to stop myself from thinking about that all, but sometimes I just can´t stop and I feel too bad ( for no real reason actually because I honestly feel like he loves me a lot. ). I feel like a bad anxiety attack is coming, and I can´t stop it.",Stress +28525,"But I mean does it really matter? I didn't know that either but I still felt the same. And he was well aware of what I was going through as much as he could have. Also that whole living situation and that man was horrible and stressful anyway (without it being a trigger for something else too). And I know that if I had been in his position I would have done everything I could to help my partner and taken them seriously, regardless of whether I would have felt that way or as bad about something or not.",Stress +49453,Living here I’m stressed about my living situation. It’s hard. Being in a new city is harder. I’m not a self motivator.,Stress +49243,"I created CocoonWeaver to help. It’s a free, privacy focused app that sorts audio recordings, transcribed, into categories. There are numerous benefits to self talk, in particular it can decompress mental states and reduce stress. I hope you enjoy! Sometimes, it’s overwhelming to think about all the stressful things. When you let go of them, you can take solace in the fact they remain in a safe space, but no longer occupying headspace. I developed CocoonWeaver because of a dream I had. My dream was about an app that would be intuitive enough to release the many fleeting thoughts that occupy ones mind. Since then, it has been developed in to a working product, and improved with the help of kind feedback from various neurodivergent communities. I would love to take feedback from this community as well, if you have a moment to download the app and share your feedback I would be extremely grateful. + +The app is completely free and it is completely private, nothing leaves your device and everything is stored on your phone. + +Thank you so much for your time! <3 + +Here are all the relevant links, to the app and website, android release date etc.: [www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver](http://www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver) +[https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/](https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/)",Stress +49229,"Venting Sorry if this isn't appropriate for here, but the stress is killing me. I'm 24 and I feel like I've got the stress of a 45 year old going through a midlife crisis! + +Three weeks ago, I started up a new job with security, I got one 6 hour shift, and three 12 hour shifts. Honestly, I love this job despite the hours, and I can handle it. + +But, this past week? Everything feels like it fell apart. My sister popped over with her husband on a surprise visit ( haven't seen her in 14 years ) so it should've been exciting, but all it did was bring trouble to our already fragile household. She instigated drama with my father and everyone else, then her boyfriend was just causing problems with zero consequences. Then, two days later, my Uncle shows up and it's all great.. up until he hits me with news tonight that he's got cancer and he's trying to enjoy himself since he's scared of worse case scenario. All of this on top of family dilemmas with my father, seeing it affect my grandmother? ALL tied together with the very awkward sleep I get, I can just feel my mental health regressing back to incredibly old, toxic, unhealthy ways. I wanna smoke weed to ignore the stress and call off work, but I know doing all that will ruin any progress I've ever made. + +Oh, I'm also having allergies worse than ever so my nose is constantly dried up, in pain, slightly bleeding and my eyes itch like hell. I know I'm just yapping at this point, but good lord, it feels like way too much to stomach in such a short amount of time. + +Again, if this isn't the place, I apologize. Just looking for others in a similar mess, maybe I'm looking for some words of reassurance. Don't know, but thank you to anyone who fully reads this rambling",Stress +28663,"It's important that people know this when they claim platitudes about 'getting support' and 'healing' that require a stable home, friends, family or even relationships. I spent all of that time trying to get to this point by myself just so some selfish POS could slap me down again. I hate this. I posted this on twitter because I couldn't think and I just wanted to share something even anonymously, of course I got nothing. It's hard to admit sometimes, until you're desperate, but I wanted someone to care.",Stress +28146,"I feel terrible because we never do anything fun. We never go to the zoo or go to the movies because it’s usually too late and I’m too drained by the time I pick him up. Needless to say this lifestyle is absolutely killing me. I am miserable. I have zero friends, I see my wife a few hours a week because of our opposite schedules and I’m drained.",Stress +28493,I remember what it felt like to not be anxious one on medicine. none of the other ones I've been put on take any of the edge off. I can't even play xbox live without holding my breath because I get anxious that people can hear me breathe. I mute my mic to give my lungs a reprieve and then go back to holding it. thanks for reading my little rant.,Stress +29566,"I'm new to Reddit and have only really discussed my issues with trauma and PTSD with my partner and therapist, and I am struggling with the random dissociative cycles of derealization and depersonalization. And I'm so tired of it. I've been in therapy for half of my life. I write and also listen to music to help when I'm having issues, but it never feels like enough. So I started talking to myself (which I do under stress) and drinking and this was a piece of the conversation:",Stress +49026,"Looking for online stress forums or support groups. Help. Hello, + +I´ve been struggling with stress for a while now and I have tried many things. Some things work for a while others not so much. I would like to know if there are any support or forums for stress, worldwide, online. If they speak English the better but I can´t handle face to face anything right now. Please help. + +EDIT: Thanks for all the people who reply, even via private. I'm in therapy and taking meds, I do exercise 5 times a week and I'm not addicted to substances. Still looking for anything you can recommend. ",Stress +48754,,Stress +28423,"So I got freaked out and cancelled again. Now I’m worried they’ll find out about it later and send me to collections to damage my credit and ruin my life without me ever knowing. I hope this sounds crazy to everyone else as well because it’s eating me alive. Nothing helps at this point, not even medication. Why do I always do this?",Stress +49171,"Stress is ruining my relationship I have been in a relationship for the past few months and for the first 3 of the months things have been good. This month as been very stressful between work and school and my mental health have just been deteriorating, and because of that I’ve been more easily irritated. I get into arguments now with my gf everyday about the most mundane things. I am mostly at fault since I’m the one starting them, I’ve just felt like nothing has been enough or certain things she doe’s irritates me. I don’t blame her for anything, she has been the best partner ever and has been very supportive. I just can’t get a hold of my temper and I’m scared it’s gonna drive us apart. I don’t want to be angry I just want to love her and not make her be sad.",Stress +29079,"They have lives outside the group and are often coming from far away to go to this group. Should I try and be friends with them? I feel like they're not going to want to hang out with a dorky 23 year old, and I have no idea what we'd even do anyway. I also tried Bumble BFF to make friends but found the constant swiping and texting to be really boring and depressing. There's only so much bland small talk a person can make.",Stress +27481,"I am ignoring him, that's not what this post is about. Basically, after all this time my ex has recently, decided he ""knows"" I cheated on him our entire relationship [I didn't], ""knows"" I'm this chick online who post XXX pictures of herself [I'm not] and has ""reminded"" me of incidences of our relationship that has literally never happened. Like, for one example *""...that time I called you from jail, and you cried b/c you were at a guys house and you knew what you did was wrong so you told me you needed help...""* yet he won't show me any evidence (it doesn't exist)... He's literally fabricating things out of thin air and claiming they happened. He isn't denying that he was an abuser, but he's saying like ""You were bad too!",Stress +27710,"I’m currently doing EMDR for my severe anxiety issues and depression. We’re going through past instances that have plagued me and are why my mindset is a negative shithole. I had my anxiety in a certain place, where I felt comfortable. The anxiety was there but I managed it well enough. Things were not perfect and there was still a lot of things that needed to change in order for me to progress.",Stress +48315,Reduce Your Stress Does breathing exercises help you to reduce your stress?,Stress +48651,Conflict Addiction I don’t know if this resonates with anyone else or what but I think I may be addicted to conflict. I don’t know why. Maybe it is due to prolonged chronic stress. Any ideas? I’d like solutions paradoxically.,Stress +48629,,Stress +29705,"Hello, I'm 22, female and from the UK. I'm kind of freaking out right now because I think something happened to me as a child. I don't even know, I'm sorry I wish I had something concrete to say but I don't think I could even type it out. The problem is I've recently moved to Japan on my own and have no one to talk to here. I would normally talk to my boyfriend but he's not awake and I don't even know what I'd say to him - I don't even feel like I can say anything out loud even if I was with him.",Stress +28252,"It sucks because I work on a computer and type all day at work and do needlepoint and sewing as a hobby and I can't do those things when it's this bad. Of course when people (family, coworkers, friends) see the brace they ask what happened. I always blame carpal tunnel. I feel so angry that I am still covering up for my abuser. I am angry I can't e joy my life without him showing up randomly.",Stress +29541,"This post was spurred by the fact that I was just scrolling through photos I took of my boyfriend last year and I found myself thinking, ""is this person actually my boyfriend?"" I don't mean that in a sappy ""how did I get so lucky"" way (although I did luck out with him, for sure) but more in a ""how do I see this person all the time and still feel like I don't recognize him in photos"" way. We've been together for over five years. It just... it doesn't make any sense. Normally I only do this with people from high school, many of whom I haven't seen since we graduated six years ago.",Stress +27348,"My mom then hit me with the newspaper and it shocked me that she would do this, she knows I don't like play hitting, smacking, striking, hitting or violence of any sort on my person. Do I send out this vibe asking for it from the universe? Then yesterday I decided to take my friend to go help another ""friend"" move to a new place. While we were driving the friend we are moving strikes me on my shoulder. And I address it immediately because this is the 4th time I have told him not to do these things, then my other friend who is driving nearly gets into an collision with another car i think because he was high on marijuana and the friend we are moving in the backseat is like ""you have to understand I was just trying to get your attention"" you know the thing 5 year olds do to get peoples attention by smacking them, this guy is in his 60's.",Stress +27972,"how is it possible that he can drive and use his fist to punch you? did you do something wrong?"". The only thing I got from the police was a worn out looking card to the social work department (and by the way they offer counselling - nothing else). To this day, they have not arrested him because apparently the attack occurred in the middle of two districts (apparently it's really hard to determine which district is responsible) and because of bureaucratic issues, the man has not been taken to questioning. My mother helped me tremendously by arranging the divorce for me, and in the divorce, we did not put any alimony.",Stress +49440,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48425,"food and hair pulling How on earth do I stop utilizing food for comfort? This past year is the first time I've had a very unhealthy relationship with food (had my second child and have been nursing her. I'm a sahm with a 3 and 1 year old). All I can think about is food and eating. I'm constantly ""snacking"" and I'm always eating really bad and unhealthy options. I sometimes get healthier options but something in my brain just won't go for those in the moment and I truly feel I can't control it(I know I can and should be able to but I guess my willpower sucks). I'm so sick of starting and restarting my health journey every day because I can't keep from overeating to an insane level. It's truly becoming embarrassing and I have so much shame. + +I also have issues with hair pulling. I'll sit and pull my hair out one strand at a time anytime I'm idle. I'm well into it before I even realize how long I've done it. I've had this issue on and off since college. + +I've spoken about both of these issues with my therapist this past week and all she really told me was to find a sort of ""fidget"" to use when I'm idle to keep from the hair pulling. She gave me no advice on my food issues so I hoping to continue pushing that at the next session. Any advice or help would be so much appreciated, especially if anyone has experienced the same issues.",Stress +28565,"I blame myself. Almost all the time. Especially when I feel bad, I see the uncomfortable feelings as wrong in the first place, and that it's my fault that I feel bad. This makes me feel worse. When I feel worse because I hate myself, I hate myself for hating myself for feeling bad.",Stress +28060,"It feels very weird to feel like you have nothing to cry about, then cry, and then go back to not being sad right after you cry....) I just don't get it....I thought stress was something that built up over time....like you hop from 5 -> 6 after a few months of continued stress...Is that not how it works? Does stress fluctuate between 1 and 10 on a daily basis? And how much do ""stress relieving activities"" actually help? I just cried does that mean I'll go from 7 to 5?",Stress +48918,"Changing workplace tomorrow, can't cope with stress Today at work they informed me out of the blue that tomorrow I'm gonna have to start working in another building and I am very stressed. Took a lot of pills and I just drank a glass of wine to calm down and get some sleep. I can't cope with the stress. I'd rather just die that have to go through this fear of tomorrow..",Stress +49156,Stress Free Calming Music https://youtu.be/YGVGueeWxQU,Stress +49009,"What If You’re Doing Better Than You Think? It’s not unusual for a person to think they’re doing worse than they actually are. Some of us are pessimistic, others have limiting beliefs lurking: I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy – progress is just luck, setbacks re-enforce limiting beliefs. + +### Consider these positive signs: + +· **You reflect on, and learn from, setbacks and errors.** You arrive at a balanced view of these and develop clear plans to learn and continue growing. People often repeat the same errors over and over, whether it’s overspending or choosing a partner. People have a strong tendency to repeat their behaviors. But you can choose to respond differently – and achieve different outcomes + +· **You’re clear on what you want – and why.** Knowing what you want is the second key step in getting it (knowing who and what you are is the first). Knowing what you want differentiates you from those who aimlessly floating through life. + +· **You use time wisely.** We all have 168 hours each week and the choice on how to use them. You focus on what is important, within the context of who you are and what you have chosen to achieve. You have the habit of asking yourself what is the most effective thing you could be doing right now. + +· **You’re making consistent progress.** Consistent progress is a great sign. Even when your goals feel far in the distance, regular progress – driven by consistent effort and learning – will get you there. As well as planning what more needs to be done, reflect on how far you have already come. + +· **You’re not alone.** There are many people are alone in the world. If you’re not alone, you’re doing better than many others. + +· **You’re committed.** You know who you are and what you’re about. Your goals are clear. They create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future. Great things happen when your purpose and your environment align. + +· **You consider other’s opinions.** You learn what is resourceful to you and discard what isn’t. You live your life, not theirs. + +· **You are grateful.** You regularly reflect on what has gone well and – crucially – on why it has gone well. You have skills and strengths you don’t even realise. + +· **You’re authentic.** You know you values and beliefs. You make your decisions and take your actions consistent with these. + +When you’re clear on what you have chosen to accomplish, and you’re spending your time wisely, you’re doing well – and better than most! This is true, even if the results have yet to reveal themselves. + +**Genuine Desire + Effective Strategy + Consistent Persistence = Authentic Results**",Stress +29073,"My boss asked my lead, who is friends with that person about it. My lead came to me and told me that she knows that i spoke to the big boss and they both expressed to me that what i did was the right thing. i dont really trust them to keep this confidential anymore. Im worried ill gain the tattletale reputation, and people will be a little more rude than they have been. How can I feel less anxious and more positive about this situation?",Stress +27911,I posted about a month ago and felt pretty defeated (but very grateful to receive anything at all because one very generous gentleman gave me $100) but I am back to the end of the month with a phone bill due tomorrow and dwindling food and gas and rent approaching soon. I’m 25f and 4 months in recovery. I’m working part time to focus on recovery but trying to find a second job so I can stop finding myself in money binds. I have no friends and family to ask for money and have made literally $550 since July working for Bath and Body Works and $200 with DoorDash since August. My rent is $600 and phone bill is $55 and car insurance is $100 which I haven’t even paid this month.,Stress +49008,"Thesis stress is driving me crazy, never feel this bad for school I'm an international student in my last year of uni now, but for the first time in 3.5 years I study here this is the first time I feel this bad. My thesis deadline is in less than a week and just a few days ago I received feedback that I need to change the whole structure. It takes so much time but I'm trying my best and it seems like it's getting there, but I still feel so stressed. I feel like my self esteem is so low because for this whole thesis process I always feel like I'm dumb and not good enough +I don't feel like eating anything because everything suddenly taste like paper for me. Everyday I wake up the first thought is about my thesis and I feel like I couldn't afford break. Yesterday I worked on my thesis from 9am to 11:30pm without a break more than 10 minutes. I also feel like crying but also feel like I can't afford the time to cry at this point. I want to give up so bad but I can't afford it. My parents spent excessive amount of money for me to study abroad and I feel like I need to graduate. I don't know what to do...I understand that I should keep going it's only a few days more but I can't stand this constant anxiety and I feel like I could burst at any time",Stress +28774,"Basically I’m going through quite a bit right now. I suffer from anxiety, depression probably (low mood, irritation, poor concentration) and things just haven’t been going that well. My friend who has autism makes off-the-wall jokes about death and killing in general. That bothers me as two of my friends have passed away in their 20s… And I still think about them and try to remember the good times. Suffering from The Doubting Disease has been fun.",Stress +27757,I’m just wondering how many of you have A LOT of triggers? I was abused extremely horribly as a teenager and into adulthood and I have horrible ptsd from it. I literally get triggered by everything and anything. Like someone could sneeze and it would sound similar to him and I’d freak. I freak out horribly about everything and the littlest things.,Stress +28889,"Hi /r/relationships, I'm hoping you can give me some perspective. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. I am so sorry at how long this is, but I needed to vent and hopefully one or two kind people will be able to help me process this. I want to provide some background from my side of these events. For the last year, I've been in a high-profile, high-stress management position with my company.",Stress +28577,"The only person I live with is my husband. So basically she's trying to imply that I'm mad because my husband is abusing me (which he never has), not because I'm just sick of her shit. --- **tl;dr**: My alcoholic mother is a negative aspect of my life but she's guilting me into feeling sorry for her. I don't know what to do.",Stress +29879,"Some days I can't hear music from that time period, watch a show that's remotely emotional, or just sit without tearing up. I've never been to see a shrink, although I know I should of, due to past experiences and money issues. I was diagnosed with PTSD and told I should talk to someone. I don't know where to go usually. Especially on nights like these where I can't be quiet without thinking about that night or breaking down in tears.",Stress +29193,"Summa summarum: I got attacked by two guys, without any provcation. My nose broke, so even if i didn't want to make a charge, the police automatically makes a charge since it's agravated assault, since a bone broke -this is the law here-. I don't really want to talk much about it, because it ""triggers"" me. So, one day my phone rings, and a police officer called me, that i need to go to the police station to a so called ""confrontation"". I was like what?",Stress +29277,Basically he makes too much money for help has no other family or friends to help I can barely help myself let alone my dad and his two dogs...but he has literally no where to go and he's gonna be homeless by the time he gets put of his house which he is being evicted from. His credit is too low to get a place and now with this eviction it will be harder. Also he lives on a fixed income which isn't to bad but it's still not gonna be enough to move in a month considering his credit history. I don't want my dad to be homeless....what can he do? Sorry if this doesn't apply to this group...idk what else to do...,Stress +27502,"He has been my best friend since the first day we met, he treats me great, he is always loving, not at all selfish, etc. We rarely fight and have only had maybe 2 other big arguments which we worked out. I am just so hurt over what he said to me. Do I just let it go and move forward with his apology? Like I said, it’s not like either of us ever drink and the only reason we made it a point to drink so much was because I spent so much on the alcohol package for vacation.",Stress +48633,Any good book recommendations To manage stress. Thanks,Stress +27520,"He came to the door, drunk and high on opiates (he’s an ex H addict, opiate rage is real), he told me, verbatim, that if there was a guy in the house, he’d kill him on the spot, no questions asked. That was a pretty easy night. I’ve spent countless nights barricaded in my bedroom because of his rage. His past is terrible. Grew up in gangs (Mexican Mafia) and molested at a young age.",Stress +27359,"No place in my city has shelter space for us, and I won't put my baby on the literal street. (I've been there before. Fine for new, but I don't want to have to go through that with a baby). What cities have good shelter programs for homeless mothers and children? I'd love to be able to make some calls and get on a greyhound between the 7th and 16th (when I'll likely be able to get the money to go).",Stress +28006,"Cigarettes used to help but they don't anymore. Alcohol helps, but then it comes back worse the next day. In the months that it's not happening, I'm well-adjusted. I thrive. But then my luck changes, someone starts listening to music next door or revving an old engine in their yard, and all my progress collapses.",Stress +48345,"Stress Survey Hey everyone! I am conducting some research on stress levels among college students. I'm a student myself and this is my first time conducting a study myself so I'm really sorry if my survey isn't the best. I would really appriciate if people would take my survey on stress! Everything is anonymous, I just need as much data as possible to help move my study along. If everyone is interested, I can post my results here when the study is done. + + +[https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7](https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7)",Stress +49153,"Soothing Relaxation by the Fireside Relaxation for meditation, deep sleep, and anxiety/stress relief. + +\*5 min + +[https://youtu.be/8G66gKXf5w4](https://youtu.be/8G66gKXf5w4) + +Nature Sounds For Sleep, Relax, Focus, Work, Read, Heal, Stress Relief + +💚 Please adjust the audio volume to your taste",Stress +27725,"When first diagnosed I was put on a daily prozac. 3 years later, I've managed to wean myself off and just use my klonopin only for the worst attacks. That actually seemed to work well and I've been off the prozac for about a year and even got off Facebook 3 months ago because it was becoming a point of unneeded drama, but I'm suddenly getting the depression symptoms again. I've walled myself off from most people and have become less communicative with my husband. I don't like going to our neighbors house because I have a paranoia that 2 of them don't like me.",Stress +30167,"**I don't want to be anxious in drawing class. ** It's supposed to be my escape, my one place where I can do what I want and be who I choose. Instead it's turning out to be a trigger for anxiety. I refuse to drop my drawing class- I've already committed to trying to be an artist. What kind of artist doesn't take drawing in high school?!",Stress +49387,"Starting college again. I’m a college freshman and just got off break. I was seventeen when I started and I’m only eighteen now. Everyone else at this school is 30+. I don’t fit in and I feel like there’s so much pressure on me to talk like them. Their words are so elegant, I feel like comparing our work next to each other mine looks like shit. I get really bad GI issues when I’m dealing with college. Everything feels out of place. To top it off, I’m doing online work so I have to have extra discipline. There’s just so much to do, I schedule it all out but it’s so fucking much. I at least know I’m stressed out and to breathe when my stomach starts making wild sounds. + +Does anybody have any tips, encouragement, or similar stories? I just need to feel like someone’s got my back.",Stress +29785,"My friend is coming to get me in the grocery store parking lot where I wound up after. It is, legally, without a doubt my fault, although actually not because the cops cut the guy in front of me off to let some school busses go past without traffic or whatever, the roads were slick, and I couldn’t stop in time, but I’m still freaking out in my head. Ugh. Mentally just not alright right now. I should not have gone out today.",Stress +29057,"Credit card debt makes me depressed, it’s been terrible. Today I only have 3 with the rest paid off. Only about 6 months until I’m in a better position to get back on me feet! I’m trying to get an easy 2nd job so it’ll be even sooner, but I’m always shot at the end of my 10 hour days and never getting a good night sleep. I just have to do it.",Stress +29180,"They discharged me. I told a nurse at a health clinic though, where I got sutured, that I just can't deal with the PTSD anymore, and I feel awful on this injection of flupentixol. I'm suicidal. I'm suicidal, and I keep thinking I should just go through with it this time. But this is a cry for help: what should I do?",Stress +48407,"Dealing with the Critics in Your Life Whatever you’re trying to achieve - save the world, write a novel, devote yourself to a particular cause – there are likely to be those who will be critical. Some people just have a critical disposition while others will take issue with the specifics of your particular endeavour. Criticism is unavoidable. Your choice is in how to respond to it. + +### Consider these strategies for managing the critics in your life: + +**Clarify your purpose.** As humans, we are compelled to make meaning. Making meaning for ourselves – and value for others – is fundamental to a life well lived. When you’re doing something very important to you, you care far less about the criticisms of others. If they can easily throw you off your path, you might want to reflect on how important it really is to you. Are you living your purpose consistent with you values? + +**Understand the critic’s motivation.** Are they projecting themselves in to the situation – their aspirations, their skill set, their propensity for risk, their values? Are they genuinely trying to protect you from any potential down-sides? Are they trying to maintain the status quo – for you, them or both? Are they masking their own lack of action? + +**Recognise that criticism is not balanced appraisal.** We have evolved to notice negative issues more readily than positive ones. We are more likely to notice criticism than encouragement: people working against us over people supporting us. Most people are actually indifferent to you and your life so get on and live it. + +**Realize that you’re going to be criticized no matter what you do.** Whether you become a billionaire, movie star, teacher, doctor, or sit on the couch all day, there is someone that will tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing. So, live your life building towards what you do want rather than what the critics don’t want. + +**Respond calmly.** Rather than giving your critics the pleasure of an emotional response, respond kindly with a considered response. Acknowledge any leaps of faith you are making. + +**Use your critics as motivation.** While some people are intimidated and deflated by the critics of the world, others are able to use the negative comments as a source of motivation. Remind yourself that while the critics are standing on the sidelines, you are on the pitch and playing the game. + +**Decide if they have something useful to say.** Some criticism may carry valid points – explore these with your critic and ask what their solution would be – the response differentiates between useful and harmful dialogue. If the criticism isn’t useful, move on. You have more important things to do. + +**Take criticism as a compliment.** Most people will leave you alone if you’re struggling or aren’t doing anything noteworthy. You only become a significant target of negative comments if you’re doing well. If you’re taking a lot of heat, you must be doing something correct! + +**Live your life without the need for the approval of others.** Live your own life, by your own values. Use your signature strengths to create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future in your chosen pursuit. + +I hope you took something useful from this piece; I have posted a further series of quick reads on my own little corner of Reddit – would be great to see you there.",Stress +48337,"Not capable of relaxing? Hi you all, my problem is i would like to pursue more creative hobbies like drawing but 90% of the times i feel i can't because i am too stressed for something (i am in uni now, so it is alternating between lessons and exams). That something being too mentally tired for doing anything else rather the watching the phone or the tv, or being too mentally tired because of studying. I am sure someone else has encountered this problem. How you solve this?",Stress +29328,I don't need that. This sucks but is far from hopeless. I can do this with some help. The next bad thing came just two days out of the hospital. The lady who was letting me stay on her couch doesn't come home.,Stress +48383,"Sleepless nights I lost my job at the end of January and finally was able to start working a few days ago. Through the stress of not having a job, I felt as though I was in the clear and able to focus again. Until I realized that I will not be getting paid until the 17th. I reached out to my leasing office about paying rent late and was hit with a response of “we are now doing evictions, so paying so late might not be feasible.” I’ve had a really tough time these last three years, leaving an abusive marriage, losing my mom unexpectedly, now once again feeling like I have to start my life over. I do not feel like I have anywhere I can turn to. I’m feel like every-time life starts to get on track it gets derailed in some way or another.",Stress +48336,"During work, a random stranger came up to me and told me everything is going to be alright... And I burst into tears... I'm a (22 female) and my job is reporting and introducing new stores and foods on TV. It's creative and fun but because of the unstable income my mother doesn't support me. + +I knew that from the beginning but hoping to please and attempt to make her proud of my accomplishments she would just say ""Why do I need to say I'm proud of you? You have to be proud of yourself"" It's been an ongoing toxic loop so I always distance myself or not contact her, however since last week she's been living with me and we have been bickering here and there. I don't let that get in the way with work though. + + +Anyway. Today this random stranger during my break time came up to me and looked directly into my eyes and said + + ""You don't need to push yourself. It's okay."" + +She kept holding my shoulders and gently rubbing them and I have no clue if this is hypnosis + + ""I know you have some family troubles right now but I can see there are good people behind you. Really good people"" + +And little by little the weight in my shoulders started to get lighter. And it felt fuzzy. I had this feeling why does she know my family? Can she read me? Am I readable? Is my aura out? I'm about to panic! Then I just burst into tears and had to control myself to do the next reporting. + +It was such a confusing experience because she was smiley nice in her 50s lady. + +Can someone tell me if she was a hypnotist or if she can see my soul or some angels or if she was just an empath that knew I was extremely stressed and wanted to let me know I was stressed. Because later She was motioning to her friend her shoulders like letting her know my shoulders were super tight or scrunched up. + +I don't know... It was such a coincidence. And a strange encounter that I had to write about this experience as my first post.",Stress +49309,"Help with appetite under extreme acute stress I'm moving interstate in 2 weeks, have had a lot happen in my life over the past 4 months, zero support where I currently live and I'm under extreme stress that's destroyed my appetite completely. I eat maybe a few bites of food most days, rarely eating a proper meal. I'm not even doing my usual stress binge eating, nor are my chocolate cravings there. I just feel full or sick every time I try eat. I'm losing weight rapidly that I can't afford to lose (I'm very short and already had a small frame so even just 3kg is a huge loss for me, anymore and I'll look like a ghost) + +Most of my stressors will leave me when the move itself happens and I'm seeing a new therapist as well then, one better equipped to help me. + +I just need help with eating in the meantime. I can barely stomach anything, when I do try eat a meal, I'm done after a few bites. I have very little control at the moment and I want to do right to my body to reduce the impact of this stress. All I can really control are food, making sure I take my medication and get some extra sleep. I just need help or advice with the food part. Again, it's just until I move and I have a support network and control over my life again.",Stress +49458,"Stomach pain Anybody else get horrible stomach/chest pain for days on end when immense stress is in your life? + +It's finals, and last year I had the same exact issue during finals. Stomach pain. I can only assume that it's bad heartburn ... I feel bloated like a dead animal in the blazing heat. Feels like a big sharp iron bit of metal is in there twisting and pulling at my organs + +It's impossible to move or eat and last time I went to the Dr about it they put me on an anti acid and sent me home + +I hope it's just stress, does anybody else get this???",Stress +28190,"my abuser is in my family, and i am in the process of healing but every family reunion/holiday i must see my abuser causing me to enter panic attacks, constant crying, and flashbacks, causing an uproar to what could make me so ""troubled"" I am afraid of coming out to my family in case of being removed for my family forever and damaging relationships. I have younger family members i am trying to protect so i feel alot of weight on my shoulders when i am having a bad PTSD episode around my abuser and my younger family members.",Stress +48969,"Online Mental Health Survey Hi everyone! I'm designing an app to help people with mental distress. I created an online survey to gather some data on what people have found useful to cope with their symptoms. It is completely anonymous. Here is the link for anyone who is interested in participating! Thank you in advance :) + +[https://forms.gle/qaBix2TUCxEM7DZQ9](https://forms.gle/qaBix2TUCxEM7DZQ9)",Stress +29998,"I get it; my one friend has personal reasons for being against medication, the other one has a bad personal experience, and my boyfriend had a small midwestern town upbringing that allowed no room for mental weakness so he has a hard time understanding. I guess I just...I don’t know. I felt empowered to do this going into the appointment and even during it. I felt like people were on board with me seeking treatment if that’s what I felt was right. And now that it’s a reality..it just seems like people have turned their backs and no longer are okay with it.",Stress +29024,"I have been thinking about it and I think that all anxiety seems to boil down to either fear of what other people think of you or fear of death. I am curious if this is just me? Sometimes simplifying it makes it easier for me to deal with, at least during less intense moments where I still have control of my mind. I realize a fear of death is a bit unbeatable, but some how that seems to give me a bit of peace. The one that I have a hell of a time with is fear of what other people thinking.",Stress +27770,"I need to know what to do. A psychopathic family member was promised MY house, for some strange fucking reason, for apparently a very long time now. I have an abusive ex, that won’t leave me alone and his parents say escape and live with them, but he most likely will follow me where I go. He told me he would. Should I get a restraining order before I go?",Stress +48980,"Do you know you can practice meditation while walking! Here is a practice of mindfulness, do meditation while walking or shopping. Meditation [on the go](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/guidedsessions/meditate-on-the-go?fbclid=IwAR1C_YAphHveDq7BgMEgJmaN-Ub1KDoVXRN21T38ZISUP7Z89CVNZoFzPn0).",Stress +48526,"Super anxious and stressed after starting new job. Will this hurt my body or should I just tough it out for a couple weeks? + +so im 23 and ive pretty much avoided jobs because of pretty bad anxiety. + +I just recently got a decent job pretty much handed to me so I decided to take the opportunity but the anxiety from it is insane. Its not even really job related, its really just me being suuper insecure and shy and worrying about what they'll think of me. + +Im getting heart palps, im sleeping bad, im exhausted, Im getting a bunch of muscle twitches, im super brain fogged... + +I assume this will get better as time goes on and I feel more like acquainted to the people and job but right now its horrible. This wont kill me right?",Stress +28639,"Even as I’m cooking, he’s still screaming in my face, telling me that I’m done at my job and I need to quit now. I yell back, something about him not having a job and he grips me up from behind with an arm around my throat, and I grab the knife I was using to cut chicken and tell him to get off of me. He lets go, and we scream a bit more. I made a smart remark, and he jabbed me in my face. It busted the inside of my lip and I was bleeding.",Stress +27553,12. End of January I just didn't have any way to get enough money and we collapse with an eviction process started. 13. Working with friends and others we managed to get the money right after the judgement was issues for eviction. This stopped the eviction but we still had a judgement.,Stress +48386,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! + +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (\~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: + +[https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a](https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a) + +Or call or email us today for more information! + +Phone: (850)-629-8525 + +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com; Subject Line: Changing Behaviors Study",Stress +49273,"Adult onset vocal tics? Is this a thing? A couple of times in my adult life when I’ve been under significant stress, I’ve developed both physical tics (chin quivering, tapping my first two fingers against my thumb repeatedly), as well as vocal tics (making like a tiny whmp noise every couple seconds for a while). + +I don’t even know why I’m asking. I’m under terrible stress and doing this. That’s all.",Stress +48520,"I despise living with my family but I can't afford to move out. I've been trying to move out for years but I make jack shit for my job. + +Every. Single. Day. When I get home there's an issue. It is always my older sister 100%. Whether it's getting back together with her ex that she got a restraining order against, victimizing herself over her kids existences because one of them is crying, or just being drunk, she is always throwing fits and making a scene, ruining everyone's day, for no reason. Let alone assault you for no reason. May God forgive your ignorant soul for thinking you can be in the same building as her when she feels like throwing a temper tantrum like a 4 year old. + +I've talked to our mom numerous times about her. She defends her every single time, sometimes I'll tell her she needs to stop enabling her and she just responds by enabling her. + +They're always telling me to pack my shit and go. Believe me, I'd fucking love to. But even though I pay rent you know they're always holding it over my head what a parasite I am and I'd be dead/homeless without them.",Stress +28948,"She wants to do anything she can do to help me, but it's up to the state, not her, to charge me. I have, and documented once I got out of jail, a puncture bite on my right hand, a puncture bite on my left inner elbow, deep scratches all over my left arm, The skin on my scrotum was torn (the jail underwear they gave me was soaked at the end of the day) my lip busted open, a chipped tooth, my whole right side of my face red and sore from a dozen punches, and a welt on my left leg from her kicking me. Now I'm being charged with 4th degree DV and need legal counsel to prove my innocence. I have no money to hire anyone and am still in shock that I just had to spend 17 hours in jail without given any medical aid in a small cell with 7 other inmates. I have no criminal record whatsoever until now.",Stress +49195,Reduce Your Stress Does breathing exercises help you to reduce your stress?,Stress +28945,"I loved her and I was completely broken. In July of 2016 I went out to a gaming hall/bar that my friend's family owns. I remember pushing on the doors to start making my way back home and then waking up in the hospital. I was told that I had suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI), facial fractures, a ruptured right ear drum and a cerebrospinal fluid leak. I spent one week in the hospital before I discharged myself against medical advice.",Stress +29878,"It helps with the physical symptoms, such as palpatations and elevated heart rate. However I still have attacks that force me to lay down alone for 30 minutes or more, sometimes hours. I have random pains all the time, my arm, leg, chest, stomach, headaches, etc. Constant health anxiety too, I get one mild headache and think I have meningitis or a brain tumor, etc. Well I had a checkup with him today and asked him about medicine I could use PRN.",Stress +27692,"Ive never really had a problem with my education until this semester, I feel mislead in my classes i.e (I do great on the homework and then I end up failing the tests). This has lead to me failing or doing not up to my standards in my other classes and its beginning to effect my own self worth. Instead of being confident in myself im resorting to internal hatred and just overall sadness. I am in a relationship with a very loving girlfriend but I feel that if I bring my problems into it, it could go sideways and I dont want that. Because of all of this my sleep schedule has not been exactly ideal, I usually go to bed at midnight and wake up early for class and the quality of my sleep is not what I would call good (tossing and turning and frequently waking up).",Stress +28113,"I wondered if anyone else had a similar place that they always found themselves in. I can't decide if it's healthy or not since most of the traumatic things that happened at home were in that space. I'll find myself camped out, sobbing on the floor, but can't really pinpoint why it's the place I always seek out. Secondly; if it's not helping me recover, how can I make the rest of my house more appealing? I'm not consciously choosing to end up in the kitchen it's just where I go.",Stress +28131,"It sucks. I know I need help. I want to get help. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood (at least 10 years, possibly longer). I forgot the memories for a long time but now I'm finally getting them back and it's freaking me out.",Stress +27350,"October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I am a domestic violence survivor who is still struggling, even after over four years. Lately I have been feeling very angry. Angry that my abusive ex received no real consequences for his actions. This man abused me in all manners: physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, financially, etc. I was granted a restraining order against him (and it was renewed a year later) but I was unable to press criminal charges against him because I didn’t have enough evidence to have a case.",Stress +49208,"Breathing techniques for stress Which breathing techniques do you find work best to calm you down when you feel stressed? + + +I find box breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 second, repeat) and 4-7-8 (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds, repeat) are the two techniques that work best for me. + + +Slow, long breaths seem to make me feel the most calm too. + + +What works for you?",Stress +49069,[ Christian] Any Daily Devotionals or Books help you deal with stress? [ Christian] Any Daily Devotionals or Books help you deal with stress?,Stress +48922,"My head is always under pressure I can’t seem to relax my head. It’s always in a stressed state. I can feel the pressure on my head from the top and on the sides. It’s just there consistently. I am always under stress it seems. Yes, I have some financial stressors in my life but I hate this pressure on my head. I tried meditation but it just doesn’t go away.",Stress +49157,"18 stressed to the breaking point Im going into university but they want grades i cannot achieve + +I have deadlines i cant breath from i am pushed and pushed to achieve them + +I am in debt a large amount to family members + +I encouraged family members to invest a lot into this crypto scheme and its all gone and i cant bring myself to tell them its gone + +My past is catching up to me again and i am faced with consequences again + +I am a degenerate with money and have 0 income looking for a job to pay off the debt but i am having no luck as i have no time atm because coursework + +My friend recently ended her life on a phone call to me and i havent had time to even begin to processed it so im blocking it out + +My family life is taking a tole + +My father is getting bad with alzheimers and starting to forget me + +My mental health is in a bipolar tornado spiral of shit + +Friends around me are not people i want to be around anymore but i would have no one if i ditched them so i am forced to continue these dead friendships + +.......... + + +Most days i push myself so hard and at the end i come home and scream to myself i just want to run away but cant. Any advice?",Stress +48399,"Anger boiling over Hi everyone! I’m struggling a lot lately and I’m hoping some of y’all have tips for me. + +Life has been hard lately and my stress is manifesting as anger. I keep telling people I’m entering my villain era because this is so abnormal for me. I am so frustrated at work because everything is falling on my shoulders while my boss stays lazy. I have low tolerance for stupid behavior and am calling people on their sh*t. My VP laughed at me when I tried to bring up an issue recently and I rage cry when I think about it. I’m finding myself being short with my friends and acting entirely self centered. + +This isn’t normal for me. I normally tolerate so much. I am compassionate and so empathetic and normally look to help everybody, and I’m just burnt out. I know it’s stress/anxiety. + +For a little context that I know is playing into it all: I just weaned off depression and anxiety meds around Christmas. My grandma died in January. My dad has cancer and is very sick right now. I just learned someone I work closely with was a suspect in a murder that remains a cold case…. + +I feel like I’m falling apart and I need advice of how to bring myself back. What do I do? How do I stop feeling so mad? Thank you ❤️",Stress +48696,"No one to talk to So, I’m currently super stressed and I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. I’ve suffered with depression for a long time and I recently got a puppy. I’ve wanted another dog for about 10 years and I thought it was a good time to get one now since I’m WFH. The puppy is about 3 months old and at around 2 months, she started throwing up. I took her to the emergency vet and found out she had an obstruction in her intestines. This meant she had to have surgery and her insurance hasn’t kicked in so I had to pay out of pocket. I had to take out a credit card to pay the 7K bill. She came home and was doing really well. Then 2 days ago she started throwing up again. She threw up around 6 times. I took her back to the vet and they had to run a bunch of tests again (another 1K) and it seems like a treat I gave her may have irritated her intestines again. They wanted to do more tests but I literally can not afford it. I spoke to the vet about it as none of this can be covered by insurance. The vet gave her an anti nausea medication and sent us home to observe her. She ate and hasn’t vomited but I’m still nervous about it all. I really got the dog in hopes that it would also help with my depression but it’s becoming worse due to all of this…I feel helpless and I can’t afford to take her back to the vet…",Stress +29814,"I don’t know how to make him leave because he says if I do that he will go and dispute all the charges I ever made on his debit card and say it was fraud and he will have me prosecuted. In the past when we were together I stupidly sent him private photos of myself and he threatens to send them to my church, my parents, and my bosses. He says he will do whatever he can to ruin my life and see that I lose my job and lose the respect of everyone in my life and have legal consequences go using his money (which again, he said I could but now he’s saying I’m lying). I feel like he literally dictates my life. He breaks things in my apartment.",Stress +48484,"Diarrhea from stress, what can i do? Hey guys, i got a problem, like i build a wall in my head, if i wake up early and have to go in the public, like uni i have Diarrhea and now i am to stressed to face these situations, what can i do?",Stress +48998,,Stress +48662,"People pleasing sucks I hate when I have this constant need to make other people happy who couldn't give the slightest shit about me. Sometimes I would not be able to sleep or work until I know that they are happy knowing fully well that they won't do the same for me. I seem to feel like if I don't make everyone happy, I deserve all the negative things that come my way.",Stress +49377,This might help you The Serenity Prayer is one of the prayers that brings peace of mind. It unlocks the optimism oneself and drives the composure while you are focusing on wrong things which you cannot control….[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/12/take-back-control-with-the-serenity-prayer/),Stress +27962,"If you are triggered stop reading but the word is schizophrenia. Just thinking about it freaks me out atm. I keep thinking I will go crazy.... I imagine myself in a mental hospital having panic attacks 24/7 a hellish torture... oh god.... This is because I've always has extreme fear of afterlife and existence, its just so bizarre I've explored every single freaking theory/religion/whatever thats how much I was obsessed with it before.",Stress +48992,"School harassment I’ve been under so much stress from school because I have finals coming up and to make it all worse, all of my “friends” were actually just using me for money and to get things, and now that they know i don’t want to be friends with them, they are doing things like graffiti and putting my name on it, and spreading rumours about me, and on a few occasions even assaulting me, the rumours I can handle but the graffiti/vandalism can and mostly likely will get me in a lot of trouble, possible suspension and community service. I don’t feel safe going to school, I don’t feel safe in the places I should, and all of the stress added on my anxiety it’s just to much for me to handle.",Stress +28977,"I'm so stressed at the moment, I pretty much had a breakdown in college from all the work I need to do and the deadline is next week. I have 4 different projects in on the same day at the same time and I'm doing the best I can to manage my time but it's nothing simple like typing up an assignment. It's programming work, and as much as I do enjoy programming, having to create 4 different projects with 3 different languages is causing me to panic and stress out on getting things done. I've spoken to student support and a couple of tutors but I can't switch my mind off how many deadlines I have and the worst part is that I can't do 3 of them at home. I can only do them during college hours.",Stress +49154,"Hi I dont have anyone +Im in love w someone and I cant talk to her +I dont have anyone to talk to",Stress +49193,"Massive left ear pain in stressfull overwhelming situations? I noticed that everytime i am in a daylong stressfull Situation or get the overwhelmed feeling i react with thr same body symptoms. Worst factor is the massive left ear pain (not able to even touch it). +Most times it seems to start (and stay at) pulsatile tinnitus like effects. If i lay my head to the left side or on a pillow, i hear my pulse as swishing dumb sounds making me irritated extremly. +But as other sympathetic system symptoms add up, like fast breathing, fatigue from overwhelmed feeling,appetite loss and obviously higher bp, i get massive pain at left ear. + +I tried several treatments to get to know what that could be, antihistamines, nsaids, decreasing glutamate... Thinking it must be a combines inflammation/glutamate/adrenaline thing. + +Could anyone explain it and give me some recommendations? I suffer for years now and cant solve that.",Stress +29932,"Should I chill out and let her contact me? --- **tl;dr**: The level of communication outside of face-to-face interaction is making it difficult to maintain attraction and to set up plans with the woman I am dating, and it has become worse the last couple weeks despite our in-person interactions being consistently great. Am I being too anxious/not understanding enough or is she a bad communicator? How do I bring this up with her?",Stress +49261,Books/podcasts/audiobooks for chronic stress healing Can anyone suggest the best books on healing from this? I know it is better to prevent becoming burntout but here I am. I am absolutely destroyed physically and mentally.,Stress +27852,I never thought I’d be in a situation like that in my life and the screaming and blood and chaos following it is just on a constant repeat in my head that won’t stop. I had to give 4 separate statements to the police which burned it from start to finish in my brain and it doesn’t stop. I don’t know if that’s just because it was less than 24 hours ago and I’m still just in shock? It’s just a lot to take in right now and I’m not sure what to do. I apologize for any formatting issues because I’m on mobile/ sounding incoherent I’m just kind of numb after all this and unsure what to do.,Stress +48393,"Adult onset vocal tics? Is this a thing? A couple of times in my adult life when I’ve been under significant stress, I’ve developed both physical tics (chin quivering, tapping my first two fingers against my thumb repeatedly), as well as vocal tics (making like a tiny whmp noise every couple seconds for a while). + +I don’t even know why I’m asking. I’m under terrible stress and doing this. That’s all.",Stress +29663,"From the moment I wake up and until I go to sleep I don't feel safe. When I'm around other people I feel even even more anxious/fearful. I know nothing bad is going to happen to me, but I still feel this way. I don't really have any friends, and these intense chronic feelings makes it seem impossible to make a real connection with anyone. That's what I need the most is some sort of real connection with another human being.",Stress +48396,"Maintaining Hygiene I'm sure I'm not alone in finding that poor mental health makes it difficult to keep on top of hygiene related tasks sometimes. I personally really struggle to motivate myself to brush my teeth even though I know I should. + +I think the thing that stops me is worrying about being left alone with my thoughts while I do that- I can't distract myself easily by doing things on my phone because one hand is occupied, and using my phone one handed is harder. + +Is there anything that others do while brushing their teeth (or other tasks) that helps then overcome this barrier? I've tried watching YouTube videos, but the effort of finding one I'm interested in seems to be creating enough of a mental barrier that I'm still finding myself procrastinating.",Stress +29048,"So I have a csf leak. It isn't diagnosed, but being that its pretty much the only thing(I don't have any heart issues) that causes orthostatic headaches and and the other problems im having, its probably a csf leak. If I stand for more than 10 minutes or so after I wake up I develope a horrible headache that feels like its pressing downwards, and I basically become retarded. Like I cant even walk straight. I think my vision is starting to be affected too.",Stress +30123,I was able to get my old office job back and that comes with okay pay and good benefits I start November 1st . Just trying to take steps to make sure we’re okay before we get too behind and stuck on the streets . Anything is appreciated all I have 11$ to my name until Friday . Pm me you would like to help . I am starting a gofund me sometime this week to help us if anyone is interested in that I will keep you updated,Stress +28831,"Some times it feels like my dreams will never go away. I have regular dreams about my ex. Usually a few dreams every week. Sometimes the dreams quiet down and some times they occur every night. He was abusive to the point where he tried to kill me while I was laying in bed one night, and he was very physically abuse every other day.",Stress +27989,"Already borrowed what I can from family and friends, living on my own, and rather exhausted that. I'd rather not share my specific adress in public, so PM if you want to help. Got no preferences, but a kebab or pizza with varied stuff in it would be great for nutrition. Hate asking for this, but I'm at a low point and getting rather desperate. If ordering isn't the thing for you, a small amount of money to buy something cheap at the store is just as good.",Stress +48685,"7 Tips to Deal with Stress Today is Stress Awareness Day so I want to share some statistics and resources available for people suffering from stress: + +&#x200B; + +* The most common cause of stress is work-related stress with 79% saying they frequently felt it. (Statista)😓 +* 74% of people feel so stressed they have been overwhelmed or unable to cope. (Mental Health Foundation and YouGov)😦 +* 13.7 million working days are lost each year in the UK because of work-related stress, anxiety and depression, costing £28.3 billion yearly. (NICE) 🤯 + +Tips to Deal with  Stress: +\-**Explore your triggers**: Keep a diary for one week to discover which situations increase your stress levels the most. +\-**Practice time management**: Trying to do everything at once isn't an effective way to handle stress as it usually takes you longer to complete your tasks. Ensure that you are organised by managing your time efficiently. +**-Set boundaries:** It's easy to be available 24 hours a day due to current technology. Establish some boundaries so work is distanced from your personal life. +**-Life outside of work:** To avoid experiencing burnout you must take some time to look after yourself and engage in activities you enjoy. +**-Build a support network:** Speaking with and meeting up with friends and family can help you feel more positive and reduce your vulnerability to stress. +**-Focus on healthy habits:** Avoid alcohol, caffeine and nicotine, get enough sleep, eat well and be active. + +**-Do a course:** There are plenty of courses available that will teach you to understand the symptoms and causes of stress, steps you can take to deal with your stress and will help you practice dealing with stressful situations in the safety of exercises. For example, **VirtualSpeech** is offering a free trial for their Managing Workplace Stress course and **FutureLearn** also offers a Workplace Wellbeing course.",Stress +48615,"Wondering if I’m living in a coma 2 months ago I had a terrible fall resulting in a broken shoulder that hopefully will make a full recovery. Nerve is bruised so it’s a fairly useless arm at the moment. + +Life has been strange being off work and at home. I can’t drive for now. Family has been visiting and helping drive me around for errands and appointments. most friends are settling down with a family, have moved, or are career focused etc. so I haven’t seen anyone except a best friend. Everything else has been distant communication like the odd text here and there (when it’s external of family and the best friend, that is). + +It’s miraculous I didn’t hit my head. In fact it kind of puzzles me, but I was blacked out drunk (working on recovery now). + +It dawned on me that maybe my existence for the past 2 months has been in a coma. That I’m in a hospital bed on life support; surrounded by family; experiences with family are my mind manifesting their conversations they have around me. + +Everything is just a manifestation of my mind but I’m actually in a coma. + +I’m weirded out and there are several triggers that cause me to second guess myself. + +Edit: some of the triggers I mean include that groceries is symbolism for nutrients/IV time, my parents visiting in life are just visiting me in a hospital, friends who I no longer speak with recently have actually said their good byes; an ex lover I always thought about getting back together with finally blocked me out after 4 years - I got disconnected. + +Right now my friends and family are gone, family is on a trip at the moment. That may be symbolism that they too, have left. For now or ever I’m unsure. + +I recently started talking a lot more with one of my brothers - but were talking about old video games and nostalgia. Everything I know about him in the present has sort of been static. + +That’s one way to say it. Things appear to progress but it turns out to be static; no change happened that was perceived to be",Stress +49224,"How to deal with the anxiety of crossing paths with your exes, when you're out with family? I have had flings and short term thing with some crazy women (which i regret). + +Though i have treated them like a queen throughout the time we were together, I always have this fear that what if they make any false accusations or create a scene when I cross paths with them in future, or try to defame me in case I do something big in life. + +How to deal with this constant fear?",Stress +29077,Relying on an app (that depended on wifi) for calls and texts became a hassle so I tried to get an Obama phone. I was denied because I couldn't provide a bill with my name and address on it. Of course I don't have an address: I'M HOMELESS! How am I suppose to get a job when I don't have a phone (one where I can be reached wherever/whenever). The system was designed perfectly...,Stress +48579,"I feel so alone with my problems. Rant. + +Everyone talks to me about their problems bc I'm ""a good listener."" But I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Then I get angry and frustrated with myself for feeling alone because there are people in my life. I don't lean on them because I'm afraid they can't handle it or that leaning on them will inevitably make my life harder. + +I live with my fiance, but he's had health struggles this year, as well as difficulties at work, so he has leaned on me daily, breaking down and panicking before work, calling me for 30-90 minutes a few times a week while I'm at work, breaking down when he gets home from work...after about 20 minutes each time I get overwhelmed and frustrated, but I signal anger. Then he says he feels like he has no support, so I feel like my efforts are wasted. + +I have my own problems. But I shove them down and go to work, clean the house, make dinner, basically do the things that need to be done every day. I shoulder the mental load in our household. + +My blood pressure has spiked the past few months. I've had a rash on my face for 2 months. I see doctors weekly for migraines and chronic back pain. My parents don't call me, my 2 closest friends both underwent cancer treatments this year, and my fiance is overwhelmed. I work from home, so my fiance is the only person I see each day. + +I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Rant over. Back to work.",Stress +48889,Beat stress and relax with rain and thunder sounds 😌 https://youtu.be/afIZ-QyzVdY,Stress +28512,"I will be homeless in June and need a place to sleep safely or else I will suffer more severe mental distress, becoming unable to think properly. I went to a shelter organization and the CEO told me they have waaaaaay more homeless than beds (like 50000 homeless and 11000 beds or something like that). While I was there a lady came in to complain about a rape. I involuntarily cry in noisy, busy, crowded environments and become unable to function. How can I help myself best in the leading months?",Stress +48511,"First job This will probably be funny to most ppl but, I’m planning on applying to Walmart as a cashier as my first ever job but I’m extremely nervous because I’m really really bad at basic math and have trouble with basic numbers and I always overthink things and keep thinking of scenarios where if I had to give back change or smth I’d be totally stuck and look like an idiot I just thought I’d share that and hopfully people in the comments can help me out ty 😬",Stress +29662,"I feel like shit for writing this post. **TL;DR - SO of over a decade is great to me in many ways and shit to me in other ways, I feel awful when he's shit to me but also feel guilty as fuck about expressing it because of all the times he's amazing to me. Wondering if this is emotional abuse and if it is, what can I do about it? Our relationship is rock solid, I'm not leaving him. **",Stress +28324,"Now while yes it could have taken me 30 minutes to figure out the bleach ratio, it was weird because once it was 2:30 I realized it was time to make the kids snack, and I went to look for the little baskets we put the food in and they were gone. I was frantically looking for them and I asked my coworker if she saw them, she explained in a confusing manner that she already made snack. And if she made snack she would have been right in front of me because we were in a very small kitchen. And if I were ""there"" I definetly would have known. And when I came out of this ""blackout"" I was really groggy and anxious.",Stress +27594,"And one of the girls pull me and asks me if I like him and I said yeah and she goes “if you like him you can have him because my friend is only here for one night...(gets pulled). And there I was in a packed nightclub all on my own. Trying not to cry about the fact I got ditched by my date for the night. So I leave the club go home on the train with the worst feeling ever, more insecure than I’ve ever been. **tl;dr : one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had in my life (sorry for being dramatic)**",Stress +28956,Wtf is wrong with this society? ! I’m pissed. I’m angry. My abuser is a well known coach who has lost his job over our court cases.,Stress +48702,"I need help I’m a senior in high school and I get out early to work at four separate jobs a week. I don’t have many study halls and I’m really stressed on school work and learning on how to drive. I haven’t been able to do any of the stuff I like to do since I don’t have much time to do it. I’m also working on a personal project on my own subreddit that I haven’t felt motivated to do so. By this point I have trouble sleeping, and things like my brothers alarm clock or any loud noises in the mornings really stress me out a lot. I just don’t know what to do.",Stress +29627,"My heart is palpitating because I finally responded in a group chat that I'm not so active in because I'm scared nobody is going to care what I say. So I finally responded this morning because the chat seems active and it couldn't possibly hurt right? I'm trying to beat my anxiety. Well, my fears were confirmed. Nobody responded to what I texted.",Stress +29979,"I don't trust anyone, especially myself. I am going fucking crazy. I feel there's really only 3 conclusions to my life currently. The psych ward, which after being involuntarily admitted in January and paying close to $11K for that 4 day stint where no one gave a shit about me or even attempted to ask me more than 3 questions about my mental health a day, isn't an option. Plus I can't take off work indefinitely because I'm a basket sake.",Stress +27643,"As much of an asshole I know it makes me, I simply can't put my heart into a relationship in which I know I'm not the father of her child. I was ghosted this past summer by one of few people I've ever wanted to have a relationship with, and the subsequent weeks were a quest to find sex that would distract me from the pain. Others came before, but she's the first to actually show interest in the long term. She's made these ambitious plans for our distant future, and I don't have it in my heart to tell her it'll never happen. She's the first girl to show me daily how much she cares for me, and the impending thought of breaking her heart is killing me.",Stress +28084,"There's nothing I can say or do that will alleviate her worries. In the past I've tried to solve things but that doesn't help. I've tried just listening and agreeing or offering comments like ""that does sound bad"" or ""I understand"" but those don't seem to help either. Does anyone have advice on what I can do or say to not cause anger or start a fight? I'm at a loss as to what I need to do or be for her.",Stress +29071,He has anger issues and he seems like a good guy sometimes (even though i know he's a fucking monster) and i know he's had a bad childhood. It's even harder because if he does get arrested or something for it my best friend won't have anyone to support her/pay for her tuition or her meals even... her mom doesn't have the money to do that and i think that's why she still stays with them... just so she can support her daughter. My family would be willing to take her in but we're not doing well w/ money either. I really want to do something about it but idk what i can do. He's been horrible to his family since forever.,Stress +27884,"For the last week, my car has been acting up. Yes, it's 16 years old but the only other person to have the car before I did was my 85 year old grandmother who only drove it to either the grocery store or the thrift store, so I got it almost brand new. But lately everything g has been going wrong. The gas gage doesn't work, the dash lights don't work, my tires need to be filled at least once every day, the brakes go out often, my battery won't start if it gets too cold, and now the transmission is starting to have issues. Without a job, I don't have money to pay to fix everything.",Stress +28912,I tried some cheese and some had pretty intense flavors and being an highly sensitive person this i think caused some stress. We stood for about an hour when i felt this dropping feeling in my stomach. I knew this was a sign to get some food and sit down but my dad was very happy checking out cheeses so i risked just waiting and chilling out. Then my whole body felt that dropping sensation and my hearing started going. I started getting warm and it felt like pin needles on my body.,Stress +49397,"health anxiety, chronic stress hi been suffering with health anxiety again, 1 thing after the other, stress anxiety and panic are sky high, jus took my bp, thats sky high too, head and back of neck ache, freaking out, jus can never relax, scared to death",Stress +28675,"I would appreciate any insight from other ppl with ptsd and flashbacks. My husband had several things happen to him when he was a teenager and occasionally when things get very bad for him he has very bad flashbacks complete with regression to the time when the trauma happened. It is heartbreaking to see, and obviously he does not recognize me and does not understand why we live together and why he’s not living at his parents house Does anyone have experience with this kind of flashbacks? And what kind of things would be most helpful for your partner to do to help you back up to the present?",Stress +48974,"My Story I’m a Junior in high school and am constantly stressed about sports. I want to do so well in cross country and track that I take it super seriously. Lately I have been really loopy in the head and have had headaches. If this keeps going on idk what I’m gonna do. I’ve looked into it and have found high blood pressure to be a possibility, but I have good eating habits. Just wanted to talk about it, thanks guys🫤",Stress +29076,"Where each person does what they do because they love the other person and get pleasure out of pleasing their partner. And I know this sounds so horrible and I hate myself for it, but I almost feel like it will never happen. Like she's been broken. Even if you put the pieces back together for a broken glass, it will never truly be like new. And I feel awful for feeling that way but I've been trying (and patiently waiting) for nearly a year now.",Stress +28460,Another issue is that both women are on the autism spectrum. My wife is quite high on it and the woman is quite low on it. My wife seems to think that there is nothing wrong with our marriage but we have not been intimate for 10 years. It's really hurting. I just don't want to hurt anyone but I know deep down that it's me that's hurt.,Stress +28268,"I don't really know if I'm doing this right but..I feel like I have ran out of options. To make a long story short, I have a Ford Ranger and the serpentine belt on it is broken. I'm currently living with my girlfriend but last night I found out that she has been lying to me repeatedly and I'm done with this situation, the only problem is that I'm stuck. I don't get paid for another 6 days and I am flat broke with no family or anything nearby. Luckily, I'm within walking distance of my work but do you guys have any ideas?",Stress +49183,"How do you manage your stress even when you can’t tell if you’re stressed or not? I learned not too long ago that you may be stressed even when you don’t feel stressed. I feel like stress is a constant for me. I can’t relax without feeling lazy/antsy and can’t work without feeling fatigued/overworked. + +I don’t know how to decompress when there’s always some work that can be done (homework, chores, etc.) and deadlines approaching.",Stress +29542,He hasn't paid any child support. He isn't fulfilling the courts orders that would get him a chance to petition for supervised visitation. It feels like he's completely just disappeared from being a father but I still feel like he's going to come back. Even writing about it makes it hard to breathe. Is it silly?,Stress +48858,"Stressing about daily routine I think my routine is messed up, sometimes im awake to 4 AM and then wake up late like 2 PM. It stresses me out. Usually I did wake up 1 PM and go to sleep at 1 AM or 2 AM. +And I keep on checking clock when to eat and when to finish a meal, it stresses me out. + +I worried why cant i remember my usual routine, i feel like im in a hurry even tho im not, I have nothing to do but sticking to a routine is important to me. It stresses me out. + +Help i cant stop this cycle. +How to stick to a routine without overthinking every details...",Stress +29399,I got connected with the DV shelter in town to connect to my Crime Victim funds so I don't have to worry about therapy co-pays and I'm filled to the brim with anxiety about class tomorrow. I'm so tired of this. I hate that he probably witnessed me plunging into a panic attack. I hate that he saw that side of me. I don't want to look weak in front of him.,Stress +28369,"Given the diagnosis she refuses to take her prescribed medicine which is a cause for concern to me as when she is on a low, she tends to be very apathetic and rude in responses to conversation or ideas of things we can do. We live together in a house with two other people. We have our own space but the common area is shared. She has expressed that she doesn't like the living situation but the fact that it is cheap and we are all locked into a lease has prevented me from making any changes. After our lease is up I want to look for a place that the two of us both like but I am afraid it may be all for nothing.",Stress +29893,"The ""me too"" movement I've found to be extremely inspirational and empowering. I am no longer ashamed of what happened to me, but I still don't feel like I'm healing. I was hoping that these flashbacks and the anxiety, fear and dread would go away over time, but they haven't. How do people cope? What do you read?",Stress +48534,"What do y’all do with your time off? I have been on sick leave for 2 months now. I’m completely paralyzed still. I have no idea what to do with my time since my creativity died. I use to draw, paint, write and play creative games. But all of my creativity died and it feels like I have no hobbies now. + +How do I get my creativity back?",Stress +49402,,Stress +29787,"I'm a freelancer, which means pay isn't always steady. I also have frequent painful and difficult digestive issues as well as migraines that lay me out several times a month. I work hard, I make an effort to save where I can, but some months bills and such wipe me out. I'm just coming through a bout of sick and feeling up to eating again, but thanks to pay waits and bills, I'm broke and down to a bit of brown rice and gelatin in the house. I made a post this morning on r/Random_Acts_of_Pizza and a mod pointed me here for some slightly more substantial help.",Stress +27380,"Did I mention my parents are religious? I don't know if this is normal for religious people to treat. Whenever I tell them I'm terrified of being homeless they tell me I'm a ""acting like a baby"" and ""get over it"" my parents parents did not treat them this way. They're basically mad because they(I guess 30 or 40 years ago were different when they were my age? Because they said they both lived on their own at 17 and that they find it creepy I'm 16+ and they find it creepy being around me).",Stress +27514,PS: I can't get fired because one she is in another department which doesn't break policy and I am in good working and personal relations with my direct boss and the one above him. --- **tl;dr**: Started having sex with a co-worker 8 months ago. Found out today that she is married and that some of our sexual partners were also married. What should I do?,Stress +27523,"Worse than that develop the same anxiety disorder. Again another reason to finish the relationship. I really love her but cannot and WILL NOT embarrass her like I did at the wedding. My plan is to go talk to a private physiatrist and see what they think. I don’t believe medication is the only answer but if it helps in conjunction with therapy, a healthy lifestyle and meditation then I will try it.",Stress +28549,"My youngest who was 6 at the time had what seemed to be a bladder infection or UTI (urinary tract infection). She was literally peeing every five minutes. Since the doctors office was closed, I took her to the emergency room. Little did I know, my entire world was about to come crashing down. The nurses got us back to a room and once they were done checking her out and had her urine to test, we had to wait for the doctor.",Stress +28191,Also there was an attempted rape on me when I was 21. I never realised how much an effect these events had on me. There is another woman that I like (F32). She is very intelligent and we talk all the time. The problem is that I am married even though my marriage is awful.,Stress +29956,"During a night he came barged into me and my mom's room and started hitting her. I was so confuse and in tears I didn't know what to do, but cry. I didn't get much sleep that night. The abuse continue on for 4 years. There was peaceful time I thought the abuse stopped.",Stress +48996,Chronic stress and hypertension in 10 minutes [https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalhealth/comments/v1smjv/chronic\_stress\_and\_hypertension\_in\_10\_minutes/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalhealth/comments/v1smjv/chronic_stress_and_hypertension_in_10_minutes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3),Stress +28039,"I feel alone, because I feel like people don't think ""I was having a panic attack"" as a legitimate excuse to miss something. I don't even feel like others with panic attacks 100% get it, because I don't really get that feeling of a heart attack or anything, I feel like my panic attacks are weird, and all the stuff I read about ways to help seem to be for people who get the heart attack feelings. I get a panic attack, and then get anxious about the panic attack, and it's just a big cycle. I try to open up to people, but they don't really understand. I just want to be normal.",Stress +29685,"I've been trying multiple medications for 20 years and I have literally tried them all. The highest doses possible of insomnia medication can't even put me to sleep. Multiple psychiatrist and even my pharmacist are stumped. Every SSRI, SNRI, tricyclic, beta blockers, benzos, group therapy, sleep studies, MRIs, blood work, CBT, EMDR, talk therapy, group therapy, art therapy, psychiatric hospitals, wilderness retreats, traveling, moved 6 times, I've been to college 3 times(no degree), have over 20 different jobs. It's like my brain is bound and determined to make me suffer.",Stress +49220,"Is the stress of my international sales job worth the benefits? Looking for guidance….. Hi, + +I’m a sales director who recently received a promotion to build and lead a new sales operation for an Australian media company in a foreign country. After relocating my family and settling into our new home, I found the job to be manageable, albeit stressful, for the first 8-9 months. + +However, after a year, I've realized that the stress has become a part of my daily routine, and it's starting to change my personality. I'm experiencing burnout, feeling completely drained, unmotivated, and even depressed at times. I report to upper management located overseas who may not fully understand the realities of building a new operation in a foreign country. Despite being expected to do more with less, the results are still expected. + +I'm struggling to decide if I should push through this or throw in the towel. On one hand, the benefits of international experience, such as building and managing a team in a new market and exploring new commercial initiatives, are invaluable. On the other hand, the stress is taking its toll, and I'm not sure if it's worth it. + +I would appreciate any advice from those who have been in similar situations or know someone who has. It can be quite isolating, and I lack a trusted network of experienced expats to turn to for guidance. Thank you in advance for your help.",Stress +48793,Depression due to resign. Hello folks. I really do some help & advices from u all. I worked in a IT Company for almost 6 months & I decided to quit my job with a gut feel to leave the company at the end of the month anyhow. Cause I was never treated well there. Had to overtime for a low pay. Did covered of the absence colleagues job due to project completion on time & many more. Now it has been almost 15 days from the resign date and still I feel like am working there and always the toxic thoughts of the company runs over my mind. Am like mentally affected please can someone give advice. Thanks for your precious time,Stress +29999,"They taunt me and remind me of my weakness. They remind me of my failures, and they are loud. Louder than anything. And there's so many of them. Swirling and swirling and telling me what an awful fucking person I am.",Stress +29361,"Anxiety kicked in but then heightened by all the fucking coffee I drank from working before the meet. I started shaking, I couldn't lift my head up. My girlfriend and I stepped out for a smoke, and I told her the situation, the guys moved away... they were hot too so thanks to my anxiety I missed out yet again on another golden opportunity. But once we got back to our seats, I told my girl that I recently got close to that I had anxiety and the symptoms, just casually because at this point its just a thing I have to tell people, but this time it wasn't to a fellow artist or designer, she was a nurse. Instead of saying yeah I have it to or yeah we all get like that, she asked me further questions.",Stress +28624,"During the walk she made a lot of threats about how she was going to call the police, put me in jail, even try to get me deported (I'm a LPR.) She gets vindictive like this but usually calms down. Due to the threats I called the police to ask their advice. The officer wanted me to give him her information and I declined. Short story, he gave me two options.",Stress +27356,"Next week I’ll be flying for our family vacation. The flights won’t be very long (just MSY to LAS then LAX to MSY on the way home), but flying really triggers my anxiety. Mostly I just like having control over myself and my surroundings, so the idea of being in a metal tube 30,000 feet in the air is not ideal for me. I also have a lot of fears about terrorist attacks/mass shootings (movie theaters and other crowded public places are also a problem for me). I was wondering if anyone has any tips for flying anxiety/fear.",Stress +49263,"Sleepless nights I lost my job at the end of January and finally was able to start working a few days ago. Through the stress of not having a job, I felt as though I was in the clear and able to focus again. Until I realized that I will not be getting paid until the 17th. I reached out to my leasing office about paying rent late and was hit with a response of “we are now doing evictions, so paying so late might not be feasible.” I’ve had a really tough time these last three years, leaving an abusive marriage, losing my mom unexpectedly, now once again feeling like I have to start my life over. I do not feel like I have anywhere I can turn to. I’m feel like every-time life starts to get on track it gets derailed in some way or another.",Stress +48547,"Cold water immersion for stress relief I’m currently on day 12 of getting in ice water for 15 minutes/day. And I have to say it’s the most powerful stress reliever I’ve come across. I meditate minimum 30 minutes a day but nothing compares to cold water. + +I sleep like a baby and for the rest of the day feel calm and in control. + +I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon the benefits seem to far outweigh my being uncomfortable for the time in the water",Stress +29127,"She wont call the cops because her counselor confirmed they would take away her kids (her mother took all but one from her now). What the hell can i do? Edit: she said now I can't tell anyone... I'd let her hate me if it meant getting her safe, but I have no idea what this could do to the kids. Very confused.",Stress +28035,"This is so hard to write about for me. Attempting to describe what I've been through cuts me really deep down and spins me through flashes of pain, tears, and the deepest depression. I really feel kicked when I'm already down. So please, forgive me for the winded intro and shaking writing style. It has honestly taken me a week just to get to this point.",Stress +48874,"I have soccer tryouts on Wednesday and I’m really stressed. I’m trying out for the school soccer team on wednesday and I’m stressing out. For reference, I’m going into sophmore year of high school and I tried out last year and didn’t make it. It stresses me out because what if I don’t make it again. To fail once is one thing, but to fail twice is so much worse. I went to the gym, ran, and practiced throughout the summer, but idk if I am good enough. What I’m most worried about isn’t not making the team itself, its failing for the second time. I just had to talk to some people about this.",Stress +28100,"It feels great, but I'm worried. I tried to kill myself one year and one month ago. I am prone to depression. I am worried about crashing too hard, and I have kids to care for. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?",Stress +48693,"Stress sickness I was hoping someone could offer me some advice, I have been over stressed for far too long, and it has made me sick for months! My body needs a break but nothing seems to help. I have lost 70 pounds and am borderline malnourished, struggling to get by day to day. Have tried everything from exercise to therapy, and in between. Just can’t seem to relax. Any lesser known coping mechanisms, even meds to suggest would be greatly appreciated!",Stress +48847,"Does anyone else get stressed out over School even though they’ve been doing it their whole lives? I start my first year of college and I’m super stressed out and even though I’ve been taking College classes through my high school, I’m still stressed out about it. I’ve been stressed about school my whole life despite having all As and being in the top 10% of my grade. I really don’t understand how people can just have a calm attitude when it comes to things like school and work because the mere thought of either stresses me out. Now usually after the first month, I’m completely fine because I’ve gotten used to the class, the teacher, and the work but the first couple weeks are so stressful for me. I have a mad fear of being alone and failure and I like things to always stay the same in my life so I guess all of that contributes to my problems with stressful situations. I have no friends going to the same college as me and I’ve always liked having at least one person I knew to make me more comfortable quicker but having work thrown in front of me and having to one to talk to if I need help is terrifying to me. Sorry about the rambling but I would like some advice if anyone would be nice enough to give it.",Stress +49226,"What are these random stress attacks? Recently it does happen that I randomly, all of a sudden, get stress attacks. Like even if nothing happens at all. One time it lasted a whole day and then also the morning after. Recently it started in the night and caused me to not be able to sleep. This stress is usually just feelings of unbearable tension and fear. There are no physical symptoms. During the attacks I get thoughts about all possible things that I ever found stressful. Maybe worth noting that I recently recovered from depression, and it's like the sadness turned into these attacks. + +What can it be and how do I prevent these?",Stress +27775,"He broke contact with the whole family, only sparingly speaking to his little sister after she followed his example and split. I think he is very ashamed of his past. He *never* talked about anything like this with me. I’m honestly really worried he thinks I would think less of him if I knew, and the idea of that breaks my heart. I didn’t tell him what his sister told me.",Stress +48802,"need some advice asap Hello there. I am a 22 years old female who stresses with every single thing. I was always just like that, but the last year...stress is really destroying my life! I am at the senior year of my studies and right now I am giving my final exams and I just can't handle this. I have to give a tone of exams because I skipped them due to my fear of black out the time they ask me something. The last time I just burst into tears. This is awful because I really try... Really! I know everything they ask me and I just can't answer it, I can't my mind stops working. Plus it is very ugly to have my teachers see me in this situation. This is not their problem but mine's and I don't have a clue what to do . Please tell me if there's a way dealing with it generally but especially with if there are some tricks to deal with it while giving exams.",Stress +27637,"My girlfriend does have PTSD. She said that she thought that I might have it because of an incident that occurred in 2014. You can read about it in my post history but basically I was placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold for pretty much no reason, the therapists responsible for it just covered themselves up and lied about it. It greatly affected me. I would definitely consider it to be a traumatic event, not just because of the actual events that transpired and the conditions of the hospital (which are pretty bad) but also just the huge betrayal of trust.",Stress +49367,"how to deal with previous stressed situations? I have been down with stress since mid November, and I have started up working again part-time from mid-December. I now have to travel (by plane) for work, which previously triggered my stress, because of all the people, noise and business of the airport and transportation. It took me a week to get over all the stimuli of the last travel day. I now have to travel in late February, and my mind can't stop thinking about it, and I am afraid that I will use another week to get over it again. So how do l deal with a previous trigger? Travelling is part of my job, and I want to overcome the fear",Stress +29894,"Without my meds I can be kinda unstable, few months back I stopped taking them and ended up breaking my hand because of it. I have no real education except high school diploma and I wasn't smart enough to finish community college as I'm useless with math and science and that's all I needed to finish for a general studies degree. All I seem to be doing is existing and that means I'm a burden on anyone who tries to help me and right now I'm dragging my partner down. I just need help figuring out what to do so I can stop being burdensome and be useful and have a purpose again. I don't really know what to do anymore, but this is all I have left to try.",Stress +27406,"i knew gay was humiliation. i tried bringing up to my dad, and he said he wouldn't care if his son was a fudge packer, nor would he care bout that son anymore. i then had to speak to the bishop of my church and tell him about me possibly being gay. my dad was in the back of the room and another man i had never met wa sitting next to him. He asked me if i had ever had any gay encounters.",Stress +48532,"Work, kids, wedding, in-laws… It’s all getting to me really bad. I’m an author and writing has always been my stress outlet and lately it’s like I can’t write enough to keep the stress off me, it’s gotten to the point where I can’t get comfy and I’m just anxious and feel like shit. Normally I just kinda deal with my stress when I have time but the way it’s making my stomach feel and how week my legs are, it’s making it impossible to help with my kids and I’m really irritable and it’s now effecting my partner. We’re trying to move out of the in-laws on a single income with 2 kids (6 months and 3 years old) while I work a new job that I just started last month which I love but it’s all getting to me really bad. I eat way too much and make myself feel like shit, me feeling like shit makes me anxious which nukes my appetite and then I can’t eat at all and then I feel sick because I can’t eat. I dunno if it’s my diet or what but this is getting really difficult…",Stress +48646,New here i have some questions hello i am new here i have a problem that i would like answers to i have a number of symptoms which according to the hospital and my doctor is due to stress because nothing is found i also have stress but do not recognize these symptoms from previous heavy periods symptom 1 neck shoulder tension with radiation to under arm and hand symptom. 2 pelvic problems symptom 3 hip problems and of course I'm stressed I worry a lot and am very anxious I especially hope to get an answer to the shoulders neck and arm tension thanks in advance,Stress +28992,"this has been happening for the longest time, and it's very hard to describe so bear with me. once in a while when i'm trying to sleep, suddenly my racing mind starts experiencing opposites at the same time. the most terrifying one is feeling like the world is expanding infinitely but also crushingly contracting in on itself. then there's also times when i focus so much on the silence in the environment that i end up feeling like the room sounds extremely loud. and a more physical one is feeling hot and cold at the same time, which prevents me from being comfortable enough to fall asleep.",Stress +28474,"His refusal to admit to anything though has me worried this is part of ongoing deception/cheating. When he completely denies knowing anything about it I just don't know what I can do with that. It feels like my options are to get over it/give him the benefit of the infinitesimal doubt or leave him over the inferred deception. I guess I have mostly just let it go but then every so often I remember about it and can't help but wonder, am I a colossal idiot, is he taking me for a ride? **Tl;dr** Found an okcupid profile for my husband, he denies knowing anything about it",Stress +48525,"Been in an extremely high anxious state the past five days (had multiple sobbing breakdowns as well), suddenly got weird “buzzing” feeling deep in one part of my brain? I’ve looked this up, and heard of the term “brain zaps” that can be triggered by extreme stress. But all of this info is from sketchier websites so I can’t be sure. Is this a real thing? Or do I have to be worried about some other health issue lmao?? + +It feels like a mini phone vibrating on pulses, deep in my brain in one located spot. (More to the right of my head.) + +I also look at screens a LOT, like 90% of my day, and I know that’s also a huge health issue but I’m not sure if that’s what’s causing this.",Stress +48648,"i'm being negligent at work i've been so negligent with everything in my life. my head feels full. i neglected applying for leave early enough and was called out in front of my entire team (indirectly. my name wasn't mentioned). i'm wondering why i did that?? why did i delay applying for simple leave? i feel so guilty and ashamed, but i also have the feeling that i'm beating myself up too much for it + +though, this isn't an isolated incident. + +i was meant to deliver assets to another team but neglected to double-check if we had all the assets to deliver. instead, i ignored the issue. the team eventually called me out for it. ideally I should've flagged the issue and had them deal with it... but i was just too lazy?? it wasn't even a big deal. nothing arduous, but i got too lazy. what's worse is that I didn't own up to my mistake. + +i feel soooo ashamed, wow. i don't know what's up. i'm slipping lately, in the most tiny, unnecessary ways but it's making me feel so anxious and disappointed in myself. + +what is this?? self-sabotage? negligence? why am i failing in the most unnecessary of circumstances?",Stress +48753,School stresses me out We had a chemistry quiz today. It isn’t that important since it won’t affect our grades in any way but i still feel bad about it. The quiz went kinda bad. When i talked with my classmates they told me that it was hard as well but I’m still stressed out about it because i very well know that some of the best students will get good grades. I feel worthless when I’m academically not successful because from my childhood it was the only way that i felt loved and accepted by other people but as i grow up it gets harder and harder and i keep putting 0 effort because it has always been easy for me. Or it used to be. I didn’t have to put effort to be successful but now it’s not the same. I feel like a failure and i feel so worthless. I’m scared of disappointing my chemistry teacher. She literally smiled at me when the exam was over. She’s definitely going to be disappointed. Im actually really stressed out rn.,Stress +49191,"Stress after coming home Guys I really need your help. I don't know when it started but here it is. When I am in college studying and having fun with friends, its great. I am even quiet popular in group. But when I leave from there I don't know but I just stress a lot. I do have situation where my talk is cut off, in a normal way as everyone else's does. but I cant get over it. + +And other things which I don't even know make me stress. and then I start overthinking and cant do nothing. i might start to bit nails, scratching skin during the stress. + +After like an hour or two are passed, i am normal and very productive and enjoy it. + +Please I need help.",Stress +48537,For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency? For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency?,Stress +28073,Now my treatment has stopped this triggering from happening and sometimes think about moving back. If I do I will occasionally see places and buildings connected to bad memories. When visiting my town now I am OK seeing those places but I don't like it so I avoid them. My choices are moving back or sell and start a new life elsewhere. So I ask if anyone else have done a similar move back to your hometown and managed well?,Stress +49352,"Stress Management Okay, so how do you fellow working citizens deal with stress? I just started a new job and the perfectionist in me is so nervous. I know i’m just starting but I literally want to blow my brains out because of how fucking dumb I can be with it sometimes. (Not literally but just like if I wasn’t so nervous my stupid brain would actually function better. Just agg) + + +Ughh I know I know. +Practice makes perfect but like…. What the fuck man. + + +I’m so scared I will fail and tarnish the company name and get fired for being a dumbass.",Stress +27840,"My bond about was about 100 less than my whole savings. First place I went after getting out of jail was my work, my boss told me if I had got out 2 days earlier I would still have my job. I'm about to do something stupid out of frustration and anger. I was so close to getting off the streets. Fuckkk",Stress +48836,"taking bad decisions in stress, smoked a cigarette, ate fried chicken, that i usually don't do cuz that's what I did even i used to stress eat Working a job and apprenticeship,took a day off from later to complete the pending job assignment i.e, video editing in one day. It was going fine until my dog ran away and i had to look for him for 2 hours on foot. Lost my cool can't concentrate on work. Skipped gym eating fried and smoking cig to get some dopamine.what can. I do that's better? + +I was stressing out yesterday cuz assignment was pending,so i wrote everything stressing me down.and today was supposed to be the day to do it. Tried deep breathing and playing my flute.makes me feel even more guilty",Stress +48641,,Stress +48460,,Stress +48339,"need $600 in 10 days. I’m struggling quite a bit to reach my goal. I wish I had more help with friends and family but I really don’t have anyone who can help, so I’m just stressed out trying to manage and stay safe, I barely eat or sleep trying to survive. I was able to reach out for a loan but I’m unable to qualify for it due to not have stable work for 6 previous months. +It’s like.. in america, HOW… can I… get out of this. I need to pay for my room bill, I don’t want to be on the streets or shelter I enjoy feeling secure in my space… it’s just stressful seriously.",Stress +49271,mid 40s anxiety at work I dread going to work every day. Its relentless tech support work. What options do I have to get out of this. Can't do this any more. I might get a stroke or something,Stress +49266,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! + +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (\~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: + +[https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a](https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a) + +Or call or email us today for more information! + +Phone: (850)-629-8525 + +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com; Subject Line: Changing Behaviors Study",Stress +27417,"When I was a kid, I suffered a kind of unlikely injury that basically ruined me mentally, and it seems like I just CAN NOT get away from it, because it's such cheap gory shock value that everyone uses it when they need cheap gory shock value. And if I'm not mentally prepared to see it I have a panic attack or just start crying. A fucking jokey homebrew cursed item on r/DND did that to me today, and I hate that my trauma is so bad that I have to stay guarded even when I'm just reading a funny thread about my favorite hobby. I'm still thinking about that fucking item. I'm so tired.",Stress +29405,"It was his birthday a few days. I wished him happy birthday because I still care. He texted me back saying I made his day. It ruined mine. Now that I texted him, that I opened that door again.",Stress +27423,"Hello guys. This is my first post here. Ever since I can't fall asleep on a random night (few months ago) , I started getting anxiety at night and before heading to bed but everyday is different. Usually, when I get on bed n off the lights, my body started to heat up and i would sweat a little which makes me really uncomfortable. My heart would pound fast to which makes me anxious.",Stress +48363,"I created CocoonWeaver to help. It’s a free, privacy focused app that sorts audio recordings, transcribed, into categories. There are numerous benefits to self talk, in particular it can decompress mental states and reduce stress. I hope you enjoy! Sometimes, it’s overwhelming to think about all the stressful things. When you let go of them, you can take solace in the fact they remain in a safe space, but no longer occupying headspace. I developed CocoonWeaver because of a dream I had. My dream was about an app that would be intuitive enough to release the many fleeting thoughts that occupy ones mind. Since then, it has been developed in to a working product, and improved with the help of kind feedback from various neurodivergent communities. I would love to take feedback from this community as well, if you have a moment to download the app and share your feedback I would be extremely grateful. + +The app is completely free and it is completely private, nothing leaves your device and everything is stored on your phone. + +Thank you so much for your time! <3 + +Here are all the relevant links, to the app and website, android release date etc.: [www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver](http://www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver) +[https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/](https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/)",Stress +28620,I have no friends. This has been both a cause and an effect of my anxiety and depression. I can open up and become confident once I get to know people and I have had friends before but I've gone almost a whole year with no actual friends since I have moved. Moving and the effects it had has greatly affected my confidence making new friends since I most of my interactions are with small town people who have had their friends and known other groups for years. I have a very hard time carrying on conversations with acquaintances and bridging the gap of relationships.,Stress +29400,"I've stopped telling it, and when someone at work says what's wrong. I just look at them and say its been a day. I just can't really go out and do stuff. I keep pushing college back I wanted to be a nurse and now I don't want to do anything but be a hermit and go live in the woods. I'm not really looking for responses I'm just tired of people not listening or believing me, I've had it all my life and I'm just done with it.",Stress +30063,"Hello! I've found myself in between a rock and a hard place: the project I was working on lasted longer than I expected, and I've run out of money. I've been applying for local (Arizona) jobs, but most won't get back to me until after October 1st, which is my doomsday. I need 650 for rent. If I can't get it, it's over, which is frustrating and scary!",Stress +28551,Why can’t I? I’d also add my dad was a bush pilot and I work in the travel industry so I know how safe it is. Why can’t I get over it? **Edit** I’ve rebooked my flight for this morning. I just have to do this.,Stress +48930,"So, what is it like to work with a Hypnotherapist? I’m working on a collaborative exercise which will give readers a fly on the wall perspective of working with a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist. + +In a nutshell, I��ve partnered with social media influencer [MummyConqueringAnxiety](https://twitter.com/Mummyconquerin1) and we’re doing a series of Solution Focused Hypnotherapy sessions with a bias towards managing anxiety and long-term wellbeing. MCA is publishing a blog series based on our sessions so readers can follow her journey. In the first therapeutic session, MCA started to learn the brain model which underpins Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and enjoyed her first SFH live trance. Read her post from this session [here](https://www.mummyconqueringanxiety.com/a-powerful-concept-the-ability-to-change-our-brain/)",Stress +48623,"more of a issue on my end. When I get stressed from losing stuff, things not going my way which should(like my stuff, someone moving it, not life, that shi hard) and stuff that just freaks me out. I had a game that I played for a while called One Piece Bounty rush, I know a stupid anime game. For me I was in love with it. I had hours in it and spent a decent amount of money. As you know get bored delete and redownload. Before anyone says I did the transfer code thing, where I get my ID and a password to log back in. I saw my brother playing today and I missed the game, redownloaded and tried logging in. As now many games are facebook, or Google I'd. I clicked both and they gave me error. Bout a hour in it showed no link to a account. I had a panic attack, all my time, my money, gone. I had a habit of emailing myself the codes and I found it. But it was as they said ""expired"". They won't give me my game back. I was trying their support and they asked me over specific questions like when I started exactly like time too, and when I last logged in. And my level, how many in game currency I had, even the cola which was when you maxed out a character and got a extra. They said the would email in 7-14 business days. I feel as if I will never get it. So I am hoping right now to just forget about it because it is making me feel like he'll right now. Thanks for listening",Stress +49142,"Uncontrollable anxiety before exam I failed my driving exam 3 times, now going to try it for the 4 time. Before the first try I was nerveous but it wasn't bad, and ever sicne It's just horrible. I have the exam in 2 days, and already i have stomach problems, have to go to the toilet several times a day, my stomach hurts all day, barely can eat anything, even my lower back hurts and I'M moody, and I'm not even thinking about it most of the time.. Even my sleeping is messed up, waking up every 3 hours and have a hard tiem falling back. +I also have Acid Reflux which gets severely worse during these times.. And after the exam , or while I'm driving with my instructor the pain gets better and it's almost gone. Can anyone help me, or suggest me something for this? Like this is unbearable.. I failed 3 times already cause of stress and It hurts me a lot cause I drive very well, even my instructor praised me a lot and felt sorry for me after the failures..",Stress +27891,"Is this what a guy who loves you deserves? Is this my punishment for life? Doesn’t some part of you feel something for me? I see you and Jane are out tonight so as I sit here alone and dying inside knowing that the most important thing in my life is leaving me and I’ll never even see you again, doesn’t something inside you feel just a morsel of empathy and reciprocal love back for me and to me and want to give me some chance? Why do I have to be destroyed for this?",Stress +49210,"Life Experience Is it just me or do most of you find with given events overtime, you find the previous events in hindsight weren’t as stressful as what they were during the peak of things? As if the more stressful situations and experiences we go through build resilience and gives you the opportunity in future to determine and deem a situation as stressful or not?",Stress +29046,"My situation is that I might be homeless for about a month. I have plenty of money coming in from my clients during the month of October--more than enough to meet the 3x income requirement for most apartments in the city where I plan to move (my hometown). However, my lease here ends Sept 30. I don't have quite enough to meet the 3x income requirement before then. Some of my clients have really slow pay schedules.",Stress +49290,"Looking for participants to use a mobile app designed for students Hi dear students in this group, + +I have designed a mobile app based on research that can help you focus on priorities instead of ""short-term"" distractions in a motivational way! + +Try it for free; you will never regret it! + +I need your help to use it and evaluate it in 4 weeks. Your participation is highly appreciated. + +https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795 + +For more info, read the following Recruitment notice + +Study Title: Evaluation of a Persuasive Mobile Application for Prompting Time Management Behaviour  If you are a student (part-time or full-time) enrolled in a degree program in a higher education institution, 18 years or older, and able to access a smartphone device, you are invited to evaluate the effectiveness of a persuasive app. The app aims to persuade students to be more organized towards their tasks and study spaces.   + +First, you will be asked to give consent to do the study and respond to pre-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which consist of demographics questions, questions of your preference for organization toward your tasks and study space, level of perceived ability to control your time, and stress level. After answering the pre-survey questions and providing your email address, you will see a link to the app. By clicking the link, you will be able to download the app on your device.   + +Second, you will use the app daily by adding your daily tasks and organizing them based on their importance/urgency, marking them as complete, and engaging in social community features over four weeks. The app will send you notifications to emphasize the benefits of adhering to organizational acts and encourage you to minimize physical clutter in order to create a better-organized study space.   + +At the end of the study, you will be asked to respond to the post-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which is the same pre-survey question, including your experiences and perceived persuasiveness towards the app. The interview will be optional. There will be a question that asks you if you want to be interviewed, and by choosing “yes,” the researcher will communicate with you for an online interview which takes 15 mins. The interview will be audio recorded.   + +Your participation is highly appreciated and is completely voluntary. All data will be treated confidential and for research purposes only. You will not be asked for any personal information other than your email to connect the pre survey, post survey, and the app usage.   + +Compensation:   Participants will be entered into a prize draw to win an Amazon C$25.00 gift card (8 winners). + +If you face any difficulties downloading the app, please contact Mona Alhasani (Mona.alhasani@dal.ca). If you know people that may be interested in taking part in the study, please, send the link to them.   + +This research study is being conducted by researchers at Dalhousie University,   Ms. Mona Alhasani – Lead researcher Dr. Rita Orji – Supervisor + +To participate in the study, please click on the link: https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795",Stress +27907,I haven’t really complained. Only once when my gram asked me to do a million and one things in a span of a few minutes (go get this go do that) when i was already trying to setup my moms new iPad so she could watch Netflix in the hospital. That all said and done and I feel like shit. Idk if it’s sick but it also feels a hellavua Lot like anxiety. So i get my mom who’s in the apartment next door to ask her to lay with me for a few minutes.,Stress +49114,"I’m at a loss. Hi, I’m a 23 year old mom of 3. I have a step son, a daughter, and I’m currently pregnant. We’re expecting our daughter in 2 months and have been searching for a place to live for months, but there is quite literally nothing available. In my state, there is a severe housing shortage. Almost all apartments are full, and you can’t find a home without buying it, which we can’t afford right now even with a loan. +We’re currently living with my mother. How we got into this horrible living situation is a very long story. +Im so stressed out, and I can’t really talk to anyone about this in person. I don’t have many friends, maybe 1 or 2, and they have very busy, full, stressful lives of their own and I hate bringing my problems to others. My kids have every little thing they could ever need; beds, plenty of toys, food, and clothing, and they’re very happy. I on the other hand have been sleeping on a couch for the entirety of my pregnancy along with my partner. We’re currently on waiting lists apartments, but I’m so scared we won’t find anything before my daughter gets here. even when we do, we won’t have any furniture. Only my kids’ things, which is fantastic, but after having a baby, how am I going to rest or heal? What am I going to sleep on? I’m tired of feeling like we’ll be stuck here forever and like I failed my children. They don’t really have much of a concept of what’s going on because they’re toddlers, but I know what’s going on and that’s enough for me. Just hoping it all ends soon and everything gets better.",Stress +49020,"I feel constantly stressed after going through 5 months of severe stress I feel incredibly bad. I get tension headaches everyday, insomnia, and I am low on motivation and empathy and still feel this way even after the good sleep I got tonight. I went through severe chronic stress and anxiety and I self harmed myself and went against all my values, I imagine it's damaged my mental health/brain a lot. :( + +I even have irritable thoughts of my friends when I loved them and always thought the best. I feel sick and ashamed of myself. I don't know if it will get better. Self compassion and compassion for others would help but I regret everything so much and don't think clearly or have the calm and loving emotions and passion I used to.",Stress +29752,"I have had a rough few months. A few years ago I was diagnosed with ptsd after being the victim of a violent robbery. It caused a few panic attacks followed by a day or two of ultra high anxiety, but would always subside. The last 2.5 months in this order I have dealt with the following things: 1.",Stress +28552,"Public speaking in class frequently reduced me to tears in front of the class and I could think of nothing else for weeks, from the moment it was assigned. Even listening to other people having a conversation is tiring to me, even if I'm not an active participant. As a kid I never wanted to have friends over or go to their houses because a full day of school and being around so many people was exhausting, and that is also true today at work - I just want to go home and be by myself. When I say something stupid or awkward I think about it for weeks and I still berate myself for things that happened in interactions with people ten years ago. Does any of this ring true with those of you with diagnosed SD?",Stress +29702,"I work full time, but the money I'm spending just to get by is preventing me from saving up to get a place and get ahead again. I'm 30, and I've never been in this spot before, always been successful and had a good life. But now I'm here, and I have no idea what to do. Not sure what I'm expecting out of this post. Just venting I guess.",Stress +27741,"I've never done this before but we always stay at my house, so maybe the odds are just greater here? After she told me about it in the morning I feel like pure shit. She said my eyes were open and I don't know if she believes it was accidental... How can I manage this situation? That's all I really need to know, I don't know what to do.",Stress +48424,"Does your stress cause anxiety? Does your stress cause anxiety? +Every morning my muscles are all tense and I have a tension headache - especially after a stressful previous day. + +By the evening this has almost gone, probably at 10/20% of what it was in the morning and then in the morning it just resets back! Doing my suede in! + +Any advice?",Stress +28484,"Because any potential new employer is always going to ask why I got kicked out of the academy, and as soon as drugs are mentioned, there's no fucking way I can compete with anyone else. And they'd probably want to talk to one of the bosses that fired me as reference to see if I'm lying, so I doubt I could cover it up. On top of this, there is no fucking way I can go back to my hometown. The family I have there will be so embarrassed and let down. They've been really proud of me and telling everyone about what I do for a living.",Stress +48661,"fuck i can’t do this anymore i have: +- to apply for university +- deal with an verbally, financially, and occasionally physical abusive father +- recently run away mother +- financial problems +- important exams in a limited amount of time +- classmates bullying and rumors +- really bad anxiety attacks followed by depressive states +- really bad loneliness +- really constant and overbearing insecurities and intrusive thoughts +- 1 friend + +the worst part is if i stop to pause for a second i will fall behind everyone including my classmates. i can’t afford to do that, literally and figuratively. + +please help i literally feel breathless and alone. i have no one and everyone is going further in life and leaving me behind",Stress +29093,It is emotionally and physically taxing for us all to deal with these. I am worried that one day someone might snap and she may become injured. I don’t know what to do anymore. **tldr: younger sister has horrible rage fits all the time and I’m worried about our family** edit: should have specified that we have had her since she was 1 day old,Stress +48958,"I did my job and I am hated for it My job is to investigate violations of my company’s policies and state/federal regulations. Usually my peers in leadership get along with me and coordinate with me during my investigations because 99/100 times I’m investigating lower level employees. + +Well… I just wrapped up an investigation that led to the firing of a prominent leader who was well liked by all and extremely effective in their role. The incident was not only a policy issue but also a serious violation of feral regulation so termination was the only solution (per our policies). + +Needless to say no one wants to speak to me because the leader has told them that I will turn on them if given the chance. It’s not that I had anything against the leader… I just have to support my family and do my job. I can’t sandbag investigations just because I like the person I’m investigating… + +How do I work with people who don’t like or trust me. A few have come up to me saying “ I know it was hard and I respect the integrity it took to reach that outcome” but most that I used to talk to all the time actively avoid me… + +I swear I’m not out to get people… I’ve been in a funk since this termination occurred. How should I get past it?",Stress +27985,"I saw a shadow figure standing in my bedroom door... so I'm camped out in my mom's room. I have bipolar I as well, so it's likely that's the cause of the hallucinations. ​ I can't take this. I've had several anxiety attacks in the last few weeks; twice, I was sent home from work about half an hour early.",Stress +30025,"Every single day I'm getting fb messages from her saying a combination of the following: I'm feeling sad, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm scared you aren't attracted to me,",Stress +29392,"He keeps saying he hates himself for this and won't let it happen again. I know he has a really big heart, so I don't know what to do. Is our relationship worth it? TL;DR My boyfriend of over two years has a huge drug problems and continuously lies to my face about it. He abuses them and it is effecting our relationship in a negative way.",Stress +48700,Anyone else getting SAD earlier this year? I noticed an uptick in my anxiety/stress around mid-September this year. I think SAD is region specific so I'm on the east coast of the US for reference.,Stress +48721,"Stress/anxiety Story I'm in highschool now and I'm still really struggling with +my anxiety. It all started about 3rd grade I get sick a lot +and miss a lot of school and my dad would always get +very mad at me for missing school. I always would go to +my room cry, talk with my mom and repeat. I don't know +how I haven't been held back before I've missed like +weeks on end multiple years before anyway. My dad +would always tell me he wasn't disappointed with my +but he was frustrated, my dad doesn't understand +anything about mental heath at ALL. My mother who +had a decade worth of depression had to deal with him +just telling her to take her meds never comforting at all. +My mom is always there for me and really understands +me. She has gone through everything I've gone +through. My Question to everyone on here is am la +failure and am I not tough because I really try but in the +end I get sick really stressed out and the cycle repeats.",Stress +29826,"I close the door and put my back against it. He's slamming into the door, trying to break into it, yelling that I'm crazy and I'm making everything up. I'm terrified and sobbing, yelling for help and for him to leave me alone. At this point I'm begging him to let me get my phone to call my dad to come get me. He finally tells me that I can, and that he can't wait for me to be gone.",Stress +48434,"Subjects needed for a study on CBD and Social Anxiety Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in an in-person study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are located in NYC, a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +30168,"All of this has made me feel really horrible. It has destroyed my self esteem and made me feel depressed, unlovable, worthless, responsible, etc. It has also had severe and debilitating impacts on my mental and physical health.",Stress +30015,"Since I knew him I haven't had active suicidal thoughts. Even now. I hate how I am and I wish I could die right now, but I don't have the drive to do it myself anymore. How do I leave him if I know that life without him has been and will be a worse circle of hell? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE IF I HAD THE MONEY I'D HIRE A HITMAN TO DO ME IN",Stress +27815,"Hi, I'm 14F and because of health issues I missed a lot of school and eventually started homeschooling this year I didn't have any friends at public schools and I just sit in the house all day now. I can't join a sports team because of formerly mentioned health issues and I live in a town where a car is a necessity so it's not like I can walk anywhere but I'd like to make friends or just get out of my house for the first time in months and socialize face to face any ideas as to what I can do. TL;DR: I'm homeschooled lonely and can't join a sports team how do I make friends.",Stress +48650,"Creating unneeded stress to myself. Here's a stupid reason for ya. + +Just earlier today, I updated the YouTube app on one of my older iPads for the purpose of trying to screenshot some sort of tutorial for one of the newer features suddenly popping up when I thought it was it on just one of my devices. + +Now because of that action, I'm stressing myself out for no reason because I didn't take the time to screenshot how the app looked beforehand so I could examine whatever differences there were before and after the update. + +I don't have any more devices to try again so I'm just SOL now.",Stress +30068,"I would be lying if I said using heroin didn’t get more tempting everyday. Atleast I could either slowly die high and numb, or accidentally high and numb. I feel like I’ve had a noose tied around my neck sense the first day my incest abuse happened 14 years ago. Ever sense I was 9 or 10 I knew I would die by my own hand. It’s only a matter of time.",Stress +28827,"At this point I've moved home (living with 4 younger siblings and 2 loud dogs), and I finally started a new job. I'm seeing a new psychologist and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. My new doctor has seen me twice and already changed my diagnosis I to PTSD, which not only fits all of my symptoms, but includes some that I thought were just part of my personality. But since hearing this, I've really been struggling with accepting the reality that I have to deal with. I have vivid and disturbing nightmares, I wake up soaked in sweat, freezing and crying.",Stress +28143,He’s claiming I beat him in that fight. I had to go to court and be treated like I was the abuser and the whole time he sat there next to me. A protection order was written and I nor my daughter can go home. I have a 30 day to vacate of face eviction from my landlord and I lost my job over all of this. My pre trial is next month and my lawyer seems like he has no idea about my case.,Stress +48340,"Is the stress of my international sales job worth the benefits? Looking for guidance….. Hi, + +I’m a sales director who recently received a promotion to build and lead a new sales operation for an Australian media company in a foreign country. After relocating my family and settling into our new home, I found the job to be manageable, albeit stressful, for the first 8-9 months. + +However, after a year, I've realized that the stress has become a part of my daily routine, and it's starting to change my personality. I'm experiencing burnout, feeling completely drained, unmotivated, and even depressed at times. I report to upper management located overseas who may not fully understand the realities of building a new operation in a foreign country. Despite being expected to do more with less, the results are still expected. + +I'm struggling to decide if I should push through this or throw in the towel. On one hand, the benefits of international experience, such as building and managing a team in a new market and exploring new commercial initiatives, are invaluable. On the other hand, the stress is taking its toll, and I'm not sure if it's worth it. + +I would appreciate any advice from those who have been in similar situations or know someone who has. It can be quite isolating, and I lack a trusted network of experienced expats to turn to for guidance. Thank you in advance for your help.",Stress +27545,"I want to be able to deal with these feelings and move on. I’ve talked briefly to a counsellor on the phone but besides talking about it making me cry, it hasn’t made me feel better. This is one of the worst PTSD episodes of my life. I can’t predict how long this is going to go on and I’m sick of the weak, dissolving feeling I get whenever I think about it. I’ve been trying to replace bad thoughts with good, I’ve tried CBT techniques, I’ve tried wallowing in the bad thoughts (as advised by someone over at r/emetophobia)... nothing has worked, I’m a mess.",Stress +27767,"It was a conversation about those things. Over and over. Her name, which normally it isn't a trigger, but since I've been in a fragile state lately, I was just getting dragged down on the inside. I'm so tired. I just wanted to ask them to stop saying it.",Stress +49053,"Feeling Overwhelmed? It takes more to overwhelm some people than others, but the feeling and the impact are the same: overload and not knowing which way to turn next which triggers a downward spiral of anxiety. + +### Take these steps to create a plan and go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling peaceful again: + +**Identify what you can and can’t control.** List your issues in three columns: what you can control, what you can influence and what is out-with your control. + + +**Focus on solutions.** Now that you have perspective on what you can and can’t control, identify your chosen end point for each issue. Shift your focus from the problems to the solutions. + +**Prioritise your actions.** Consider your chosen solutions in terms of how important they are and how urgent they are. Firstly, deal with the issues that are both important and urgent then move to the other important issues. As a general rule, deal with the important issues over the urgent issues: here-in lies the path to living sustainably crisis free. + +**Communicate.** With your plan in place, communicate with those who may be affected: it’s incredible how supportive people can be once they understand your situation. + +**Eat well.** Overwhelm commonly leads to skipping meals or over-reliance on junk food. Buy in some healthy foods and snacks to give you the nutrition you’ll need to play your best game. + +**Gratitude.** It is easy to lose sight of the good things happening when we feel overwhelmed. Adopt the habit of regularly reflecting on the things you’re grateful for: that you’re taking control of challenging situations, that you’re on your way to calmer times, that you’re learning a lot about yourself, perhaps that others are supporting you. + +**Blow off some steam.** Exercise – whatever works best for you: a brisk walk, hit the weights, an hour on the bike – has a magical ability to burn off that anxiety and re-set all those neurotransmitters. It will also help you get that good night’s sleep. + +**Get your rest.** Know that you’re focusing on your priorities with a clear plan. You’re pushing yourself hard through the day. A good night’s sleep is the smartest thing you can give yourself to keep working through your list. + + **Celebrate your successes.** Each step forward is worthy of celebration. Be proud of yourself for taking control and moving forward. Each success leads to further steps forward. + + +**Overwhelm is a situation everyone is familiar with. Short term episodes are unlikely to harm us. Longer term however, it can be debilitating. Remember there is help out there for those times you need support in getting back on top of things.**",Stress +49085,"catching up after depressive episode tw: suicide, depression, mental illness + +in february, i fell into a really bad depressive episode. it felt like there wasn’t any point in doing anything so i just gave up doing any work. like, i stopped putting effort into anything and any minor inconvenience triggered a suicide attempt. i never took an official break so i am still enrolled and i just kept getting extensions. the university has been supportive and they are willing to give me as much time as i need as i communicated with them how bad it got. +now i am getting better, i have been attempt free for the past few weeks and i have been improving my negative coping mechanisms. but now i have to catch up with everything i have neglected over the past few months. the thing is, my mood is still crap. i have zero energy to do anything but i have started to care about things again which makes it even more difficult than the past because i can’t just say well i’ll be dead so it won’t matter. +i don’t know an efficient way of catching up that won’t burn me out so i can stop being so stressed over catching up all the time despite my mood. i’m just so tired and it just feels like i still want things to stop but this time it’s because i care too much.",Stress +27774,"I feel sad for you, I feel sad for me. I pray that you will get the help you so desperately need so that nobody else has to endure the terror and horrible horrible physical, sexual, and emotional abuse you have put me through. I am riding myself of all my shame associated with what has happened. I know now, it was all you. I did not do anything wrong to deserve the horrible treatment I received from you.",Stress +48332,"I often feel like I either need to feel stressed or useless I constantly either need to be doing various projects and filling my plate so much that I can barely handle it. Or I actually let myself do nothing and I feel like the most useless piece of crap. No in between. + +If I’m not busy all the time, it’s like I don’t deserve an rewarding existence.",Stress +48839,"I had a heated argument the other day and ever since I've had a mild heart ache and it won't go away I had a bad argument the other day and ever since I've been getting this dull ache on my heart ever since, ive gone through quite a lot these past Couple years, mainly I've lost 2 family members and now my dad has terminal cancer and there's been a lot that's gone on since then too, basically my life's been a disaster, but this constant dull ache I've been getting since the argument is something I've never had, ive had occasional heart pains that come and go, like a shooting pain but nothing like this and I'm not sure if I should be worried or not?",Stress +29775,"Why am I being all shelled up? How do I not do that, and what should I do in order to process and handle my emotions without damaging the trust he is trying to place in me? I know he right now what is needed is for me to be stable, loving and light. Why can't I do it? TLDR: going through a rough patch where husband was abusive and raging.",Stress +48499,Stressed about money I have been doing shit with my decisions with money and now i have barely enough to live with. And no job’s have answered to my applications. And i feel that i have fucked up future completely.,Stress +48672,"Just a loser passing by Anyone else think about what could've been, I'm 26, unemployed, live with parents, never worked a job, socially retarded, no friends, no drivers license, I wonder what could've been i have no idea how i turned out this way i guess i made all the wrong choices or did nothing maybe if computers didn't exist i would've been normal maybe in a different time things could've been different.",Stress +28548,"I met my current boyfriend (42M), let’s call him V, back in November. Things were fine, there were no red flags. We dated about a month before one day I went to warm up his coffee for him and he started screaming at me for doing it wrong, and to never do it again. I have PTSD from being raped and abused, and I get uncomfortable when guys yell in the vicinity of me, when they yell at me, it’s debilitating. He knew this as I make it very clear to potential significant others.",Stress +48356,,Stress +49242,"How To Handle Stress & Its Effects On The Body Stress is a normal part of life and it’s important to find ways to manage it. We hope you have found this article helpful in providing some strategies for handling stress more effectively. Whether it be through mindfulness, physical activity, or simply setting time aside each day to relax, there are many ways we can practice self-care in order to handle our stress better. Try out different techniques and see what works best for you! + +[https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/](https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/)",Stress +48886,"Help me please. Insomnia from 1 year. It feels like dying everyday Hello everybody. I am facing insomnia from the past one year. I got covid one year before. I was in hospital and at that time every few hours somebody is dying in front of me. I got so scared and anxiety hit me so hard that my mouth remains dry, my hands were shaking, my heartbeat doubles. I feels like i am going to die and this thought didn't let me sleep for 20 days straight in a row. Covid gone but now i got insomnia. I went to bed but didn't get even a single minute of sleep. I got so frustrated, the days was like hell, it was like somebody just take my soul out of body, i don't want to live anymore. Tried melatonin, Vitamin B6 Tablet, Got sunlight daily, nothing works. Then I consult to a doctor. She prescribed me to take clonazepam .25mg for 4 weeks and along to take mirtazapine 7.5mg. Then as per doctors suggestion i stopped taking clonazepam after 4 weeks and continued to take mirtazapine 7.5 mg. It was good for 8 months. I started exercise 30mins daily. Walk for 5 km daily. Now Few days before my body again started to facing insomnia( there is no stress, the insomnia comes automatically). In 10 days duration my sleep got reduced to 1 hour per day and now after 10 days i got no sleep not even a single minute. I don't know what happens to my body, i talked to my close persons tell about my problem but nobody understands me. Should i give a try to homeopathy medicine? I am sharing this to everybody on reddit, so that if anybody has any solution please guide me.",Stress +48985,"Complete silence might help you destress. Recently I’ve been thinking about over indulging on digital devices. Podcasts, entertainment, emails, texts, even MUSIC. +When do our minds get a break from the constant overload on information? I have found that when I put everything away and just have silence, my thoughts are a lot better and I feel more in control. +This is something I want to implement into my coaching, getting away from digital distraction.",Stress +48896,"The relationship between stress and infertility Some couples get pregnant easily while some do not despite trying for a long time. There could be multiple factors contributing to difficulty conceiving but of all of them, stress plays a significant role. Stress does not directly cause infertility however it does impact the chances of conception by delaying it. Infertility has become very common now and the factors contributing to it are multiple, ranging from physical causes, and dietary changes to even excessive use of gadgets. There is enough research to prove that stress can adversely affect a couple’s chances of conception naturally or through medical procedures like IVF. So, what is the relationship between stress and infertility? + +## The science behind stress and infertility + +When we are stressed, our brains release *cortisol*, a stress hormone that interferes with the signals between the brain and the ovaries, thus disrupting the ovarian cycle and the release of the ovarian eggs. In the case of men, sperm production and motility are impacted. Apart from the body’s response, stress contributes to behavior and mood changes too. There is a decrease in the desire and motivation to have sex. There is an increase in smoking or drinking alcohol in order to cope with stress which in turn causes trouble with conceiving. + +## Understand the vicious cycle + +Stress and conception are highly connected. Most often, couples who are trying to conceive become dejected when it takes a longer time. Some find the medical procedures involved in the process to be taxing. For example, most couples going through IVF procedures are often stressed out. This in turn affects the biology and behavior of the couple, thereby creating a vicious cycle. Stress management is thus necessary in order to break free from this cycle which in turn would help a couple conceive. + +**Managing stress** + +Some amount of stress is normal. However, if one is continuously anxious and hassled by circumstances around them, it will deeply impact conception. + +[Learn more](https://www.cadabamshospitals.com/the-relationship-between-stress-and-infertility/)",Stress +49359,"Stressed about speaking a second language I’m doing this post almost holding a panic attack, but let's go. +I'm not an English speaker. Recently, I moved to a country (non-English speaker either) for a job (that only uses English). Everyone I’ve dealt with has some international background with a good spoken English or is native. +It's my first international position and my first time living abroad. And I've never been so stressed with my spoken English. +Last week, twice during a meeting, my boss mentioned it in front of everyone. Everyone with such a diverse background compared to my mediocre one. Since this situation, my confidence has disappeared, and I have felt that my spoken English has worsened. +At the same time, I've been so paranoid about it, that I noticed some behaviors that worried me (like being fixed on only consuming English content, avoiding and culprit myself for even thinking in my native language). +I'm petrified. I feel I'm losing the respect of my colleagues... +Does anyone have some ideas or suggestions? +My writing improved a lot, but my speaking... Damn...",Stress +48962,Stress symptoms?? So I’ve been so stressed recently. Had the worst anxiety for the past 2 weeks. First it was eye pain now it’s back pain and side pain. I was worried so I went to the ER. They did blood work and checked if I had a uti or a certain std. everything came back normal. Very confused. Can anyone relate?,Stress +28476,How do I know if I need help? Please I need help understanding. I can't even explain my problem in this state. I don't know how to do anything in this state. I need to make sure I won't die.,Stress +30072,"The only truly good therapist I've been to was in Sweden, she listened, took extensive notes, remembered stuff and didn't talk about herself or her personal life. I need to see a therapist but I don't know what to do. I can't teach my therapists how to do their job nor should I feel like I need to in the first place. I also have chronic illnesses which makes it tiring (if not at times impossible) to have to constantly fight back against all my doctors to make sure they actually treat me and my symptoms and not just the numbers on my chart. It's gotten to the point where I'm really pessimistic about getting better or even being able to get good help.",Stress +28002,"When we returned we discovered that one of our beloved pets' health had taken a turn for the worse and we had to them euthanized, so that was a setback. We still have not been able to pay rent for May. Our landlords are trying to work with us but I believe they are becoming impatient, also since the 5th there is an additional $5 owed for every day that it is late so the amount is growing. We are also still very behind in our utility bills. I was able to negotiate something with the company that I finance my car through so that it would be easier to make the payments but could still use some help paying my insurance this month before it is cancelled again (It was cancelled briefly in April but I was able to get it reinstated).",Stress +48478,"Stress induced dandruff Any tips or ideas on how to manage it? I've tried every shampoo and I even have a steroid to rub on my head when it flares up from my dermatologist, but nothing works",Stress +29773,"I need help talking about this: you can still be a good person even if you mess up sometimes. As long as you try, it'll be ok. I'm so afraid of people leaving me because I made them sad, I was mean, or I annoy them, anything, and they'll hold it against me even if I try to improve and make concentrated efforts to change. It's crippling. It's a catastrophic thought.",Stress +28925,"Telling me I wasn't pretty enough, my boobs weren't large enough, I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't a good girlfriend to him, I wasn't making him happy. He told me he didn't feel loved unless I was having sex with him, and only then did he feel happy. He would threaten constantly to leave, and oftentimes did as a power grab when I got ""out of hand"", and then would make me beg for him back. I felt so unsure of myself. I wasn't enough, and that's why he was leaving.",Stress +48643,"Does it all just pile on for you Nothing seems to get filed away it all just buzzes around in my head. + +Hear about how Climate change can't be stopped? It's on the pile. I've got a presentation to give in a week that I'm anxious about. It's on the pile. Have a strange symptom that may be something serious. It's on the pile. + +It feels like I'm full to burst with stressful things and they're all there as if I've got to solve them one by one. It's maddening and extremely bad for cognitive health. Anybody else have a similar experience?",Stress +29830,"Does anyone have any similar experience and were you able to become functioning friends with your ex or was it best to cut all ties, even if it meant losing friends? TL;DR Broke up with my girlfriend of ten years because she fell in love with a complete stranger from overseas. Have shared friends and can’t seem to shake the feeling of sadness/anger whenever I see her due to our reason for breaking up. Should I cut her out of my life and lose friends or make more of an effort to be friendly/peaceful towards her?",Stress +29515,"But how do I keep going with this girl and eventually ask her to hang out again because no romantic relationship can really progress forward until we're physically intimate with each other, but we can't get there unless we hang out. And she doesn't even like talking on the phone and just texts. I feel like I'm having a relationship with my phone sometimes and it's like a female Wilson sometimes lol (movie Castaway reference for those who don't know). Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and came out of it or anyone who dated an abused survivor, how do you advise that I progress things with her? \*\*TL;DR\*\* I'm dating a girl who was formerly in an abusive relationship.",Stress +49455,"NYU Langone Social Anxiety Research Study Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +48450,"Short Survey for Student Project - Take part and get 20USD amazon voucher (takes 2mins) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 20 Euros among all participants. + +How to qualify + +\- Take part in survey + +\- Send me a DM with your e-mail and write me what is the last question in the survey + +\- Tomorrow we raffle the winner. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +28915,He's in a group of people. The problem is that because of what happened to me (police brutality/stalking) the general public think the police are the good guys and are not understanding when I give them explain that's not always the case. My doctor was almost treating my fear of police as a phobia instead of what it truly is... PTSD! This is my first post here. I appreciate any insight or experience y'all may have with seeking treatment.,Stress +29585,"He knows that I'm still on the fence about pot and, without me even asking, promised me that he would not do it. But, last March while he was gone, he got extremely drunk and ended up smoking. He got extremely sick and ended up vomiting and passing out on the bathroom floor of their bus, and called me the next day and told me everything. This was extremely difficult for me to process. I couldn't really understand how something that he swore off doing he just... ended up doing.",Stress +49155,"I think I have a huge burnout, help? Symptoms: physically AND mentally exhausted, not able to work or study, brushing teeth is nearly impossible + +Cause: I had alot of stress from many things at the same time: friendships not going well (emotional stress), having to prevent friends from suicide (very exhausting), having way too much mandatory homework from university, depression(diagnosed) and more sources of stress + +In short I had to deal with much more things than I could. + +I ended up turning into a terrible lazy person who doesnt care about: homework, friends or anything in life. + +In January I already quit university. Sent them an email, goodbye! And now Im at my parents home 24/7. It helps to feel less stressed but my energy level is still so low that it hasnt really improved yet. I want to move on and do something but I know I don't have the energy for it. And there are still sources that give me stress, such as friendships going bad, friends being suicidal, my depression, things in life im unhappy about etc. So even though I have ""100% free time"" im still feeling stressed.",Stress +30089,This week has been bad. I'm crying over everything. I'm struggling at work to get basic tasks done. I am SO HEAVILY OVERWHELMED by the smallest things. My sink was so full of dishes to the point where I had no clean ones left and because the pile was so high I couldn't go near it and just cried.,Stress +48530,"Being too hard on myself This is gonna sound real crazy but I don't feel grown cuz I don't drive. Maybe I'd feel better living where others use public transit as much as I do. It does kinda bother me a bit like if I did wanna go out and get dressed up, I'd have to use uber or lyft but I'm taking care of myself and need to stay focused on my right eye so it can get better. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself cuz I'm really trying my best when I've wanted to give up before but didn't",Stress +48910,Feeling drugged from stress I have been stressed many times in my life but current issues with my teenage son are making me feel almost drugged. I keep falling asleep while sitting up and when I’m awake I feel detached from reality. I tried to have coffee to stay awake but it’s just making my insides shake without clearing up anything in my brain/psyche. I don’t know if this is a question or just an attempt to hear from anyone so I can re-engage with the world.,Stress +48746,"Fluvoxamine I spoke to my GP about my SH, and she did a test thing for depression, anxiety and stress and it came back as moderate for depression, severe for anxiety and extremely severe for stress. + +She prescribed me an antidepressant - fluvoxamine - while we sort out a mental health plan and psychologist. + +Has anyone been on it? Do you have any advice? + +TIA",Stress +28098,"I've been seeing the same one since then, and she'd helped me process so much, help me recognize and start to move past a lot of things... I went from hating and fearing my father (since the incident with my sister, which had ended up triggering the memory of being told that I was to blame for the marital issues, among other things) to the point I couldn't even be around him at family or friend gatherings without feeling anxious and wanting to flee, to being able to accept the things that happened in the past, and remind myself that they are in the past, and be able to interact with him again, even if I don't really feel any familial love for him anymore. I care about him, his wellbeing, but... That familial bond isn't there, he killed it the he came to retrieve his stuff, a couple days after walking out... The only time I ever stood up to him. He made some snide remark about my mother, and I told him to go ahead and run from his problems like he always does, and he backed me into a corner and shook me, screamed over me when I collapsed, until my mother came home and made him leave.",Stress +49317,,Stress +48325,Before exam I am so stressed out that I am not even able to learn anymore. I have exam in two days so its a lot of time to reread thins. But I am so stressed out I cannot focus and I am to afraid to look at the books. :l,Stress +48369,"Stress at work making me physically ill I work at an engineering firm that surveys underground utilities and drain systems. I started work last July and it has been a never ending stream of all consuming stress and anxiety for me. It feels like I can’t escape from work and it never ends, and it feels like no matter how hard I try my work always gets thrown back at me with my boss telling me it’s horribly wrong and that I had no idea what I was doing. It’s not like I don’t ask him for help either, he will review my work and offer revisions, only to go back and find new instances that he didn’t mention before. +If all I had to do was draft I’d be okay with that. But because the company is so small everyone does every project on their own start to finish, from proposal to cost estimate to survey to drafting to finish. All I know how to do is draft, and because everyone has been so busy I haven’t been able to learn the other skills. +I’ve also been given another near impossible task that I have been trying to teach myself how to do, but I also haven’t even had time in my work day to do that. +Even my coworkers are all older than me by a significant margin, and have been in this business for quite some time. They live to work, and I don’t have anything in common in which forms camaraderie. +Literally the only thing keeping me here is the pay. Which is very good, but I cant live like this. I feel exhausted and broken when I get home. I feel like I can’t do anything after. I sit at my desk literally watching my hair fall out and feeling like I am sick from dealing with this. Is this just what adult life and and adult job is? I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this, I can’t believe I’m going to Reddit to vent, and I need help. + +TLDR: almost every facet of my engineering job is stressing me out and I don’t know what to do.",Stress +49274,I am sick ALL the time Since the beginning of December I‘ve been sick 5 times and everytime for at least 5-6 days. Does anyone have the same problem and how likely is it that stress is the cause?,Stress +49323,"Participants needed Hi, I’m looking for participant to take part in my final year project at university. This study aims to identify and analyse 5 predictors of test anxiety (Continues Partial Attention, Self-Esteem, Inhibition, Updating and Switching) to expand on the understanding of test anxiety and better improve the wellbeing and academic achievement of students. + +This study does not work through a phone or safari so you will need a laptop/ computer and google chrome/ Firefox for it to work. + +The study will involve 3 short questionnaires measuring Test Anxiety, Continues Partial Attention and Self-Esteem. And 3 cognitive tasks to measure Inhibition, Updating and Switching. This study is expected to take between 25 - 30 minutes to complete. + +If you are under the age of 18 or colour-blind you are unable to take part in this study. +You will need access to a computer or laptop to run this study. + +If you are interested in participation and would like more information about this study, please follow the link. + +[https://sunduni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eu2OxU64QxLI76S](https://sunduni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eu2OxU64QxLI76S?fbclid=IwAR23u41H3Eb7m3JGnON34teN0F66TvWWlBihc3IxQjUyNSlIlsJFZWsNJcg)",Stress +29043,Then I started to notice how much of a temper he has. The first few weeks he was good at hiding it but it started coming out. He was full of compliments for me but they were pretty generic and he took me on a bunch of dates. The last few days I was kind of avoiding him and he kind of tried getting controlling. Yesterday I was going to spend Christmas eve with him and his family and I tried bringing up some major concerns about the way things were going and he flipped out and started screaming and throwing shit.,Stress +28777,"Our family cat Bootsy became very ill and we took her to the vet. We spent what little money we had on diagnostics there and after an ultrasound it was determined she would need surgery immediately or she would likely die. We didn't have the money for surgery but found an organization which would perform the procedure and provide necessary care to help her if we transferred ownership. We gave Bootsy up to have a chance of saving her life. After some weeks of care and a surgery, we recently found out Bootsy fully recovered, but the organization will not return her to us unless we pay for a portion of the cost of her care, approximately $650.",Stress +30012,You’re losing control Juststopthinking— —You’re panicking Stop —Panicking,Stress +49269,"Kind of a weird question about stress So, there’s this thing I’ve been dealing with for a while. When my body is under physical stress, or I’m under mental stress, I sometimes get the urge to hiccup. Not a series of hiccups, just one annoying outburst. And I guess I don’t really know if I’d call it a hiccup even. My parents have taken to calling it a “narg” because that’s basically the sound I make during a particularly strong one. Has anyone else ever experienced this before? And is it even really an involuntary stress reaction? It’s been happening for years. I even had an ultrasound on my gallbladder, since my doctors didn’t know what could be causing it. No issues there either. I’d love to hear if anyone has any similar situations.",Stress +27405,"And I don't ask for the nightmares to drain me of all energy and make me feel worse throughout the day the harder I try to be normal. I was planning on seeking counselling without my parent's knowledge for this condition once I get to university and get settled, but now I'm wondering if I'm going to be told the same thing by a therapist there. I'm not looking for a diagnosis, just people who share my experience or know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry if this seems kind of ranty or rambling, my thoughts are a bit of a mess and I'm not sure what to think. Thank you for reading all this, anyhow.",Stress +49392,"I skip eating when stressed So I’ve been stressed out a lot the past two months almost with school and family bullshit, finals and anything else. So when I get stressed I just don’t get hungry I tend to skip meals, or when I’m really busy I just forget to eat. But now I’m starting to see the effects of it on my health, I can’t afford that much food to begin with so I’m used to skipping meals, but now I have to make myself eat more",Stress +28408,Today it all came to a head when no amount of uppers or downers was leveling me out. I had a meeting to run at 1. I had lunch with a customer at 12. I had a calls all morning...and you know what? I couldn't do it.,Stress +48408,"I hope this makes you feel better Society expects us to have kids, house, nice car and a “successful” career to be “happy”. + +We’re brainwashed into following this “dream” right from school and put ourselves through great deal of stress pain and suffering. + +Unless you’re born into wealth you have to give your life away and work for someone else’s dream with the tales that one day you will have the same amount of wealth and along the way you’re reminded how far away you are and compare yourself to others that have just that bit more than you. + +You sacrifice your life, freedom, health, relationship all for some pocket change and a supposed wealth while others are milking from your sacrifice this making you feel like a failure, feeling like that dream is further and further away. + +It’s a mindset you need to teach yourself, a mindset where your head is clear and at every obstacle you need to tell yourself no matter what it is that you’ll be fine because LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT and then when your health suffers all of these aspirations and dreams do not matter. + +I’ve been incidentally diagnosed with cancer - was very lucky as they’ve cut it out fairly quickly, only 3 nights in hospital, painless procedure. I’ve won a lucky dip with life because it was nothing, but seeing people who care about me being so upset was a horrible experience. + +I wanted them to be happy and stop worrying because I’ve never thought much of myself then why would they? Because I am nothing, I am not worth anything, low self esteem, never had any aspirations, goals, only liked cars, wasn’t very social, couldn’t really talk to people and sat in my own head alot. + +Showing how much those close to me cared for me made me change. When I lay in hospital my head was clear, didn’t worry about work, buying a house, savings or career. Only my family mattered and that’s how I’ve learned this mindset and began adapting my life around it, got rid of as much finance as I could, paid off my phone, sold the BMW bought a cheap Fiat for cash. Financial freedom helped with not worrying about money. Began saving money for a deposit for my new house in the future. + +I keep reminding myself to enjoy the little things in life, going for a walk, going to a gym or even buying something fancy to eat here and there on my weekly shop, going restaurant and getting a carbonara or a new phone case. I’ve started eating healthy and looking after my health. I feel happy, proud of myself and I live week by week. + +Of course I am aware I am very lucky and not everyone has the same opportunities in life and do not wish to upset anyone by this post. I hope this helps someone to find their path in life.",Stress +28790,"He has since gained back about three pounds, but he is still a far shot from what he used to be. He's going into the procedure tomorrow. The total cost is 1150 dollars, and to be honest, I'm a poor college student. The procedure will be put on a credit card, and I probably won't be paying it off for a long time. Blackie has been my cat for the last ten years, and without this treatment there is a good chance he will not make it past summer.",Stress +49466,Is it normal to feel a gurgling in your chest specifically the left side. All my family keeps telling me oh it’s acid reflux it’s your anxiety but even when I don’t have my anxiety it happens.,Stress +30076,I was just going to bail the next morning and not come back but I called the cops to come get me that night that how unsafe I felt. I feared for my life. Please people I need to get a job and some type of place to stay. In Florida. Shelters do more harm than good,Stress +49162,,Stress +48713,"Hair turning white I'm so unbelievably fucking stressed out and want to vent right now since I can't scream and punch things + +I've never been so fucking financially and emotionally stressed out in my fucking life + +-Stuck on a night shift working 10 hours a day for pay way under what I deserve for my experience and schooling + +-2k in credit card debt due to stupid fucking bullshit coming out of nowhere and having to shell out money for it + +-used up most of my TFSA because of stupid fucking covid hitting literally the same month of buying my first ever home and losing my good paying job due to the company using covid as a scapegoat and ""selling the company"" when in reality, the assholes fired all but 8 people and kept operations open + +-girlfriend (should be fiancé but can't even spare 500 bucks for a decent engagement ring right now) is stuck in workers comp hell because of a work injury. They didn't send her any fucking money for months then sent her a big lump sum of money, and now a month later claim they overpaid her a grand and she has to pay it back, leaving me to cover the house payments until she can afford to help again. Seriously, WCB is a fucking joke with a bunch of dumbass monkeys working for them. + +- stuck with a shitty car that has way too many problems for being bought brand new in 2018 and the dealership is just as shitty as WCB and actively try to fuck me over (as all dealerships do) + +My goddamn hair is turning white and I'm so full of just pure rage most of the time now that I get frequent migraines. + +Anyone else want to just explode and go fucking crazy on a punching bag for hours straight all the time or is it just me? + +I know I should probably find a therapist, but even finding a family doctor right now has been a nightmare since I can't afford to fucking miss work and my old doctor left the damn province. + +At least it felt good to type this shit out and silently scream through this flurry of text. + +Rage with me if you want",Stress +30038,"I just want to get rid of the pent up confused bouncing energy inside me, so I cry because I've overwhelmed myself... not because I'm weak... That's what I tell myself at least.... I force myself to do things even if they make me uncomfortable just because I know normal ppl would not have the same issue.... Must act normal.. They won't like me if I don't... I am tired all the time, I just want someone to guide me. Take my hand and just understand I need their company to stop the war in my head, but torn because they say I should be able to do that for myself..",Stress +28770,"Two days ago I packed all of my clothes into my car and have started living out of it. I sleep in the parking lot at work, work for 8 hours, and then spend the day at Starbucks on the internet and charging my electronics. Once Thursday rolls around I will have ~$400, which is not much as far as being able to afford a place to sleep. If I become good at living out of my car over the next few days, I may just use some of that money to invest in making it easier for myself. I don't really know why I'm posting this here, except that living out of your car is a pretty lonely experience.",Stress +29844,My anxiety and ocd have been terrible the last few weeks. I've recently started drinking again (stupid I know) and I'm feeling like I need to use it as a crutch again. I am prescribed valium and an anti depressant but I find that the simple act of just having a drink helps more. My main issue is my health anxiety. I have been having the worst sinus and headache flare ups.,Stress +48654,"I feel like I can do much things but I’m not believing in myself and always keep doubting & fears I’m 26 now even tho, I feel I’m lacking confidence and awareness in life. Deep down I know I have the potentional to change my life but my mindset and overthinking makes me want to constantly keep doubting my abilities to take actions. It’s like I’m living my life in fear and regrets. I just don’t know how to get out of the boundaries I’ve created in my head. + +I just want to better myself but I don’t know what steps to take",Stress +28057,"Things got better in middle school (thankfully) but it’s sad how literally 5 years as a young child (when life was supposed to be good) were so rough and still affect my life to this day. My home life wasn’t super bad but school was a living hell. I was excluded from everything and still to this day I tend to view the world as harsh and unaccepting. Sorry for the rant, it’s just sad how cruel teachers and students can be in elementary school. Bullying in elementary school directly caused so many of my mental health issues.",Stress +27590,at some point they laughed and i had to leave because i got physically sick to my stomach. i guess i didn't realize how much they had screwed me up. now i feel like shit though because the acquaintance is a nice person and i want to be friends with them. we were all planning a dnd game together over text for a while and i just want to be able to talk to them without thinking about my ex. any solutions or help ideas?,Stress +48863,,Stress +48728,"Heart Rate and Stress Yeah so basically I can’t go to the doctor yet and this thing keeps happening where my heart is beating fast and/or hard. It’s hard to explain but it’s really freaking me out which makes me worry (because of course, that’s my fucking heart) and I feel like I end up in this cycle and I can’t stop it. + +It used to happen once in a while but now it seems to be my premier stress symptom. I can’t fall asleep because of it, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of it (stressed while I sleep?! There is no god). I feel like I’m always a little out of breath, and like… I have shit to do. I need a solution today. I can’t be waiting on Medicaid anymore. + +Sorry if I seem aggressive, I’m just really frustrated because I’ve been turning my life around and instead of feeling less stressed, I feel more stressed. I quit smoking almost 6 months ago, I finally moved out of a shitty small town, I’m eating healthy and drinking water consistently, I ended a relationship that wasn’t good and even after all of that, I feel like I’m being ‘rewarded’ with more severe symptoms of stress and I’m just tired of it. + +If this is what life is like, I want out because this just fucking sucks.",Stress +49203,I don’t understand. I’m at a point where any little annoyance causes stress. And afterwards my body just becomes hot and I get sweaty.,Stress +29965,"(He knows where we live and go to school) My moms in a ton of debt because of my dad. Right now both of them have a job but if my dad is no longer working, it's gonna be a lot harder to pay it off. I also go to a private school which costs a lot. How do we deal with this?",Stress +48472,"Stress Management Okay, so how do you fellow working citizens deal with stress? I just started a new job and the perfectionist in me is so nervous. I know i’m just starting but I literally want to blow my brains out because of how fucking dumb I can be with it sometimes. (Not literally but just like if I wasn’t so nervous my stupid brain would actually function better. Just agg) + + +Ughh I know I know. +Practice makes perfect but like…. What the fuck man. + + +I’m so scared I will fail and tarnish the company name and get fired for being a dumbass.",Stress +48455,"Is this stress or mental health issues? Hi I am always nervous, I don't know how to describe like having butterflies on the stomach all the time and always on alert state. I keep making mistakes because of the alert state, after I make a simple mistake I get angry about myself and feel guilty, I cannot find a safe place to feel at peace even at home, my brain cannot stop thinking. How can I handle this? Thank you",Stress +49262,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety &#x200B; + +**Do you worry a lot?** + +You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, + +Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be + +randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based + +Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in + +this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month + +follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education + +classes. + +Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are + +interested in this study, please contact: + +AnxietyStudy@nyulangone.org or 1-888-44-WORRY",Stress +49260,"Help me... So, It's my 2nd year in med college, 3 months passed and things get tougher and tougher for me. +Exams approaching faster than train and I have a job (Temporary) to get money and I am late at paying my loans for college... WHY IS LIFE SO FCKING TOUGH???",Stress +27893,"For me, that doesn't HELP AT ALL. It just makes me feel like I'm just pissing him off, and my problem has suddenly become his, minimizing my emotions about it? (I hope that makes sense). He always says I need to be protected, but he doesn't understand that it's not an imminent threat in my life anymore, but a constant struggle and disability; that my brain works and processes things differently now and always will. I just feel so very alone when I talk to him.",Stress +29973,"Hi everyone my name is Lily, I'm 19, I live in CA and I really need help with rent. I've tried to do everything I can but I can't get any help, so reddit i'm looking to you to help me out over here. I need 200 hundred dollars by the end of \*next week ( unless I get another dog sitting offer which then of course I will let you guys know ). Due to so major life issues ( father dying at age 14, grandmother dying a month later, getting chronically sick around that time, PTSD ) I'm having trouble getting my GED which is making it harder for me to get a job but I am trying.",Stress +29204,"And I hated him too. I had dreams of him stabbing me in the chest. Eventually I went to my mum, essentially I wanted out, him or me, like a stroppy teenager, and I made her tell me what was going on. He'd been making death threats, this time, and the last time too. He'd kill us all because we'd held him back.",Stress +27834,"i realized i was already 20k in student loan debt and i was not going to waste all that debt on a school that is considered ""lame"". some of the best friends i have ever had were at the school, but i traded them for a lifestyle of drugs, sex and redundancy. This new school was considered a party school, one of the best in the country. Due to my good academic standing at my last university i was able to transfer here. but upon first getting their i had already become homesick and depressed.",Stress +27638,"I have never before felt so betrayed by the system. Fiance (f) was blackout drunk. She started getting physical by grabbing my genitals and pulling so hard I now have a 1.5"" tear in my scrotum.. after that I was punched, bitten, scratched, and kicked over the next 5 minutes. All I could do was try to retreat, but I was unable to get to our room so I could get dressed and leave the house (I was nude at the time). As I got scared she would seriously hurt me, or I would strike her back, I grabbed my phone and dialed 911.",Stress +29191,I can have it in front of me and still overthink and ask my self over and over. Any advice or opinions? Thanks. P.S. I don’t suffer a lot when I’m busy at work or with friends.,Stress +49287,"Dealing with the Critics in Your Life Whatever you’re trying to achieve - save the world, write a novel, devote yourself to a particular cause – there are likely to be those who will be critical. Some people just have a critical disposition while others will take issue with the specifics of your particular endeavour. Criticism is unavoidable. Your choice is in how to respond to it. + +### Consider these strategies for managing the critics in your life: + +**Clarify your purpose.** As humans, we are compelled to make meaning. Making meaning for ourselves – and value for others – is fundamental to a life well lived. When you’re doing something very important to you, you care far less about the criticisms of others. If they can easily throw you off your path, you might want to reflect on how important it really is to you. Are you living your purpose consistent with you values? + +**Understand the critic’s motivation.** Are they projecting themselves in to the situation – their aspirations, their skill set, their propensity for risk, their values? Are they genuinely trying to protect you from any potential down-sides? Are they trying to maintain the status quo – for you, them or both? Are they masking their own lack of action? + +**Recognise that criticism is not balanced appraisal.** We have evolved to notice negative issues more readily than positive ones. We are more likely to notice criticism than encouragement: people working against us over people supporting us. Most people are actually indifferent to you and your life so get on and live it. + +**Realize that you’re going to be criticized no matter what you do.** Whether you become a billionaire, movie star, teacher, doctor, or sit on the couch all day, there is someone that will tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing. So, live your life building towards what you do want rather than what the critics don’t want. + +**Respond calmly.** Rather than giving your critics the pleasure of an emotional response, respond kindly with a considered response. Acknowledge any leaps of faith you are making. + +**Use your critics as motivation.** While some people are intimidated and deflated by the critics of the world, others are able to use the negative comments as a source of motivation. Remind yourself that while the critics are standing on the sidelines, you are on the pitch and playing the game. + +**Decide if they have something useful to say.** Some criticism may carry valid points – explore these with your critic and ask what their solution would be – the response differentiates between useful and harmful dialogue. If the criticism isn’t useful, move on. You have more important things to do. + +**Take criticism as a compliment.** Most people will leave you alone if you’re struggling or aren’t doing anything noteworthy. You only become a significant target of negative comments if you’re doing well. If you’re taking a lot of heat, you must be doing something correct! + +**Live your life without the need for the approval of others.** Live your own life, by your own values. Use your signature strengths to create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future in your chosen pursuit. + +I hope you took something useful from this piece; I have posted a further series of quick reads on my own little corner of Reddit – would be great to see you there.",Stress +48618,"Stressed about careers Starting to stress out cuz I can't decide what career is best for me. I made another post before this but idk, I kinda feel like I'm wasting my time trying to get ahead 😢",Stress +28955,"We lived together so I spent the whole day yesterday packing up my things and crying. I’m heartbroken but knowing he’s unfaithful makes it easier for me to move on because it’s his fault. Not mine. I don’t know if something I did drove him to find someone else but I know I didn’t deserve to get cheated on. Anyways, he doesn’t know that I found out and I’m planning to simply move out without a trace.",Stress +49307,"How do u nature? Countless studies show that spending even just a few minutes in nature helps reduce stress and speeds up recovery time. What is a way you spend time in nature? If you don’t, why not? (Mobility issues, live in a big city, time, etc)",Stress +29686,i was sexually assaulted almost 6 months ago. once i was assaulted i ate nothing for three days straight. i lost about 20 lbs in 2/2.5/3 weeks. i was also withdrawing from Risperadone at the same time. i couldn’t stop losing the weight.,Stress +29885,"When we returned a year ago, we had some very rough boundary issues (trying to forward face in their car, feeding baby junk, criticizing our parenting choices, etc.) with them. MIL has ""anxiety and depression"" and cannot address the issues she causes so FIL addresses them for her. It's the worst case of coddling I've ever seen. She does not see a mental health professional (because narcissist) and blames everyone else for any wrong she may do, which of course she does no wrong.",Stress +49000,"Stress Controls My Life! Hey Guys! + +I'm a twenty-one year old student that is currently drowning in the stress that is coming from my college course and my new part-time job. + +My job is causing me an unreal amount of anxiety, to the point where I have to hide in the basement sometimes so I can calm down. I work for a second hand shop for games, DVDs, consoles, and devices like phones and laptops, I started working here about a month ago and from my first day I realised that I was really going to struggle here. + +It's a team of about 25 people and nearly all of them are moody pricks that haven't even introduced themselves to me yet! When I ask them a question they give me a look as if I've just murdered their pets. I try to be nice, and I try to keep a positive outlook, but these people are majorly draining my energy and fuelling my anxiety. The customers are even worse! I've been called homophobic slurs, had games and DVDs tossed at my head and have had my life threatened by these people. + +I haven't been trained properly either. I got thrown on the tills with about two minutes explanation of how they work! My till has been down in cash about four times, due to my crappy training and yet somehow this is my fault - maybe it is, but I'm putting this down to crappy training. + +I can't afford to leave this job, I seriously can't. But I also can't stand being there any more. The job market in Scotland is awful at the moment and virtually no companies hiring right now. + +Please, give me some advice before I start screaming every time I think about my work.",Stress +30000,"I can't take much more. I hate being unworthy of the truth and feeling like I'm crazy for thinking this. This feels like my entire life, with everyone I've ever expected to love and care for me. I'm fucking over it. TL;DR I know my boyfriend is probably on drugs, or at least was actively using for some period of time recently, and you will probably agree with me if you read the evidence.",Stress +48429,"Help with appetite under extreme acute stress I'm moving interstate in 2 weeks, have had a lot happen in my life over the past 4 months, zero support where I currently live and I'm under extreme stress that's destroyed my appetite completely. I eat maybe a few bites of food most days, rarely eating a proper meal. I'm not even doing my usual stress binge eating, nor are my chocolate cravings there. I just feel full or sick every time I try eat. I'm losing weight rapidly that I can't afford to lose (I'm very short and already had a small frame so even just 3kg is a huge loss for me, anymore and I'll look like a ghost) + +Most of my stressors will leave me when the move itself happens and I'm seeing a new therapist as well then, one better equipped to help me. + +I just need help with eating in the meantime. I can barely stomach anything, when I do try eat a meal, I'm done after a few bites. I have very little control at the moment and I want to do right to my body to reduce the impact of this stress. All I can really control are food, making sure I take my medication and get some extra sleep. I just need help or advice with the food part. Again, it's just until I move and I have a support network and control over my life again.",Stress +48622,"I feel like I'm becoming too sensitive.. or that I'm offended by everything. Wasnt surrounded by very nice people nice places or nice things. For the most part growing up I feel like I had some pretty thick skin... then as time went by and life took its toll on me, the stress anxiety and depression happened to wear me down. + +I don't feel like I have a hard shell like I used to. Almost everything people tell me I feel like rubs off the wrong way; whether they mean it or not. I can take a joke but when it comes to general comments or statements I possibly overthink and get upset over it. At the time I wanna give a smart remark but hold myself back often.. Can there be an underlying issue? Possibly the result of trauma",Stress +28336,"Today I also had to write down all the emotions I could think of then put a color next to each word that I felt “matches” the emotion with markers. And the next page There’s an outline of a human body. I had to put each color(emotion) where I feel it on my body. I’m slightly annoyed because before all of this she’s been taking me very seriously and helping with so much, and now I feel like she’s being demeaning? Should I just see where this takes me or let her know that this feels slow and pointless at my appointment next week ?",Stress +27457,"I know there are a lot of bad stories on here about therapy. But I was wondering about good experiences. My own experience was six weeks ago. I slipped and went on s bender, I fell into a depressive, suicidal crisis. I phoned every crisis line that exists, for ten hours, well getting drunker and drunker.",Stress +28381,"In the first month I was living here, I was doing a lot of really self-destructive things and ended up hospitalising myself, but now I have a job and am working very heavy hours to keep myself busy, and am not drinking heavily or using drugs or self-harming. Unfortunately, I'm also more or less repressing all my feelings, and I'm having trouble with mood swings (particularly anger), anxiety and more recently, daily migraines. Any suggestions? Particularly suggestions for someone who works 40+ hours a week, so doesn't have much time to relax anyway? I hate living here, but don't have much choice for the foreseeable future.",Stress +30141,"Maybe kind of nauseous? Not in a normal nauseated feeling. Its more like that pit of my stomach, I'm about to get in big trouble, or I'm waiting for the cops to come pick me up or something haha. Like, it has that prickle in my spine to it. And that restlessness in my head.",Stress +29423,"But my brain defaulted into my stoned embarrassment. Just having this idea people hate me when they don’t, missing my dad and punishing myself for not being able to help my dad through his alcoholism. Not that he deserves it. He’s dug his own grave and done things I won’t mention in this post. But raping my mom was one of those.",Stress +27923,"It’s becoming cyclical for me, where I “retreat” and revise and then feel like I need to retrigger myself to avoid slipping back into denial that it happened the way it happened. I can’t live like this. I don’t want to live a lie but sometimes the lie is what keeps me functioning. My therapist is away for a month and this means I have no one to push me to deal with this thing. I don’t know what to do.",Stress +28884,"I was physically and sexually abused by my mom as a kid. She would pull my pants down and fondle my genitals from the time I was a child up until I moved out for college. This is something where I know it happened, and I can remember time after time how it had happened. About a month ago, though, I had a really vivid and visceral nightmare about a form of sexual abuse that I can't place in a timeline like I can with the other types of abuse. In this nightmare, my mom and I are naked in bed and she is touching me, until I get so scared that I push her away and fall out of the bed.",Stress +30103,"I'm 26. Tuesday is day one of therapy. Day one of me trying to talk about whatever has been going on in my head for the last decade, last 2 decades. I'm terrified to talk but tired of living like this. Tired of the nocturnal panic attacks, tired of crying in the shower, tired of not feeling in control of my head, tired of the pointless thought circles that eat me up daily on something that doesn't matter.",Stress +49438,"Fidget Toys to Relieve Stress at Work I struggle with anxiety at work, and often find myself biting my nails or repeatedly clicking my pen as an outlet for my stress. At home, I use spinners and other various toys to keep my hands busy, but I feel silly bringing them into work, as a fidget spinner just doesn't seem fitting for the office environment. Are there any stress relief fidget toys/tools that you all use at work? Ideally something subtle and quiet! + +&#x200B; + +Thanks!",Stress +27570,I keep on getting crap from non work people about oh just fly. I try to psyche myself up to do it but after the 5 minutes of feeling like “yeah I can do it” I feel beyond tense. Anyone been in a similar spot? What did you end up doing? Thanks!,Stress +27460,"Like the title says, I’m rapidly losing motivation. I recently switched collages to be closer to home, so I could be closer to family. And my depressive spirals are coming more often, mainly because of the lack of work I do. I always end up doing things at the last damn minute. My freshman year I tried my best, almost.",Stress +48596,"Stressed about schoolwork I have pretty nice teachers except for one. She's really strict and gives way more work than the rest. This wouldn't be a problem, except she teaches three of my main classes. I have a upcoming group project due this Monday, and so far, I'm not even halfways done. I'm always stressed about her classes, and I can't enjoy anything because my stomach always hurts from the stress. Is there anything I can do to make my situation better?",Stress +27617,"They are very sweet and welcoming to me, but I feel so overwhelmed with everything. I feel as though I gave up my independence to come here, which is fine, but I'm having a really hard time adjusting to everything being handed to me when I've had to provide for myself for so long. I told my boyfriend that I need supplies for the week and he responded with ""ask my mom"". I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I still cant.",Stress +48660,,Stress +29447,"They’re out of town. I live in a pretty safe neighborhood, so I left the door unlocked for 30 minutes while I went on a run earlier. I always do that. Now I’m wishing I didn’t. Called two of my friends, but it’s late and they’re asleep.",Stress +48786,,Stress +29084,Do I ask the boss (who’s like family to me) to not bring him back once our coming winter layoff is over? How do I continue to stay sane while seeing this guy who is abusive to my extended family and completely absent with my immediate family while telling our friends he’s a happy uncle? --- **tl;dr**: SO's brother works with me. He is abusive to SO and her family and won't acknowledge pregnancy.,Stress +49272,"Overwhelmed, tired, scared I’m typing this after realizing the amount of mistakes I made these past few weeks at work. It’s been so hard to focus and I’m finding that I can’t understand basic (so they seem) task requirements. +Desk job, working with numbers and reports, Maths have never been my forte, I’m surprised even to this very day how I’ve been hired and still work here after many years. I feel like I’m always behind everyone else and I can’t use logic when looking at numbers. +Well this time the mistake I made was because I/we haven’t checked some figures, I didn’t get help (my manager is on holidays, other members of the team are busy with their stuff), I didn’t connect the dots. +I just can’t do it anymore. I live under constant pressure due to work, so many sleepless nights, thoughts racing in my head, stupid scenarios I build, poor nutrition and so many times of crying uncontrollably. +I don’t want to blame external factors but there has been constant miscommunication which also led to where we’re at. +My therapist can only help so much, I always feel great after each session and it looks like have the right tools and mindset to get better, but inherently I’m always on the edge, stressed and scared of consequences. +I felt like venting and writing down my pain, typing this in tears, feeling so useless and stupid, but it felt good sharing this here.",Stress +48637,"Stressing out over documenting my own updates from minute things. Earlier today I had an eye appointment after what feels like a year and throughout the time I would supposedly have my watch recording so I could listen back to it later on. Unfortunately just after I was done, I found that the thing DIDN’T record anything at all, even though I was sure I pressed the record button on it! + +Now I’ve spent the majority of the day stressed out at the fact that I had to rely on my memory to try to replay what my eye doctor’s informed me of when my mind’s already on too many things to begin with! + +I mean I know it’s supposed to be mundane and something to forget about as the days go one, not to mention how much my own mother kept in telling me to let such things go and not focus too much on it…. But I’ve just started taken a habit of recording important things that went on this week and me not checking to see if my watch was not recording really took a blow on what was supposed to be a good enough day today! + +I mean I had my lucky necklace and everything to signify that being the case! It’s not supposed to be the opposite of that!",Stress +48488,"Introducing Fidget Pro Feeling stressed or having trouble focusing? Fidget Pro is here to help! Download now on the App Store and Google Play and start fidgeting your way to a calmer and more productive day. + +[Download Now.](https://fidget-app.onelink.me/qzNH/0g9xnd4h)",Stress +48731,"Stress rash, so unbelievably exhausted. help I just started to break out with a rash on my head and now my ankles? Super weird. Has anyone experienced this before? What can I do? + + +I have gone through what feels like torture in the last few months. If you care to read further this is my dealio... + + +-My brothers addiction and homelessness is at an all time shit storm. I am his only family member support 5+ years(everyone else lives 5000km away) + +-was fired 2 months ago (first time fired) hated the job, so whatevs but it was humiliating none the less + +-dumped by my now ex, I genuinely cared for, it was a lovely relationship. Was single 4 years prior and I thought I finally found something real and long term + +-started a new job. Love it so it's just happy stress + +-enrolled in upgrading so I can return to school next fall. Freaking out because I don't want to leave town for the 2 year program. + +-just lonely. To a depth I cannot explain, it's something you must have experienced yourself because I never could imagine this myself. + + + +Guys. What the hell? +I must say I do have much to be greatful so it's not all doom and gloom. (Healthy, amazing friends and fam, home owner, safe etc) + + +I feel the weight of the world on me and I think I'm going to loose it tonight",Stress +49089,"5 steps to handle emotional hijacking Here are 5 steps to handle emotional hijacking: + +1. Recognize the emotion (**Name it**) +2. Experience mindfulness (**Be aware of it**) +3. Breathe in before you respond (**Delay it**) +4. Change the environment that you are in (**Divert it**) +5. Perform a positive, uplifting task (**Conquer it**)",Stress +28965,"I recently got out of a 2+ year abusive relationship and am now going to court against him with domestic violence charges. Originally, I was told that I wouldn’t have to testify as there was ample evidence, but now I am being told I must testify about a week from now. I am terrified to see my abuser in court and I was wondering what I should expect. Does anyone have any advice for me or can tell me what I should expect at the trial? Thank you so much.",Stress +28625,"Has anyone else gone through this? I’ve dealt with anxiety for 7+ years, depending on what you mark as the origin of it, and in the past several years I’ve tried every non-medical solution google came up with/my wallet allowed. I’ve thought very long and hard about seeking medical help for my anxiety, and finally did this week. Honestly, there was a lot of support and encouragement to seek treatment from people I talked to about it previously. The doctor I saw was amazing—seriously I had no idea how to broach the topic and I felt 100% comfortable discussing my concerns from the moment I opened my mouth until I left the office.",Stress +27444,"Sorry for such a jumbled mess of a post. Edit: I realize I never expanded on the dissociation or depression. Because of my dissociation, while he was being abusive he would often say things like, ""You're just remembering wrong. (gaslighting/rewriting history)"" ""You have bad memory. That never happened.""",Stress +49339,,Stress +27847,"I know there are are people who have absolutely nothing. I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head, but I’m still worried because I don’t have gas money to get to work or buy groceries. It’s just a very helpless feeling. Thanks again to anyone who is reading this. I appreciate you.",Stress +28208,"I grew up believing that everything bad that happened was my fault. I have tried so hard to make something of my life after that hell, but now that everything feels like falling apart again I feel like I am breaking. This must mean that I am truly worthless and a waste of life. I feel like I'm not even allowed to feel like this, because I deserve this hard life. Has anyone experienced horrible burn out because of PTSD/OCD?",Stress +28499,How do I stop this without getting myself blacked balled or dealing with this harassment. TL;DR I broke up with my ex who cheated. I've been getting harassed by ex-girlfriends sister at my job. She holds a lot of weight in the company and her behavior has escalated. How do I stop this without getting myself blacked balled or dealing with this harassment.,Stress +30022,"She's been doing exams as of late and we've both had some personal problems so we haven't had time to work on our relationship. We both said we would stay together but sort it all out after she came back from a holiday she was going on with her uni. On the second last night she tells me she has kissed another guy and feels horrific about it. I tell her i'm going to leave because she has cheated in hope she realizes what life is like without me (stupid I know). I've always put her needs before mine, i've tried to give her everything and be the perfect boyfriend and because my natural defense mechanism is to retreat into my shell and shut the world out I don't reply to her texts that day.",Stress +29213,"I didn't want any of this.. I literally had NO CHOICE in ANY of this!!! If I didn't have kids I would not be here, 100%. I pray every night that I would just die in my sleep... then LOL no sleep, no death, just lots of screaming in my head and ruminating anxious thoughts, bad memories on top of bad memories. THIS is hell.",Stress +48289,"Time and Stress Management - Free online course Time and Stress Management - Free online course + +Time management and stress management are two key components to succeeding in life. Creating a system to identify, evaluate, and eliminate distractors and stressors will lead to a more productive and efficient life, inside and outside of work. In this course, you will learn how to earn more time and be less stressed. + +[https://formationgratuite.net/Time-and-Stress-Management/](https://formationgratuite.net/Time-and-Stress-Management/)",Stress +48636,"What happens in the body when people stress out? What happens in the body when people stress out and begin itching everywhere, have a heartburn or sore throat or whatever? What causes those symptoms? Cortisol, histamine or what else?",Stress +30006,"I can't even use the restroom because then I think about how if I were in the restroom when a shooter entered, the shooter could easily get me and the classrooms would be locked and I'd be locked out. I was late for one of my classes because I was afraid to leave my classroom. Does anyone else feel the same way? It's like I can't function normally anymore, school is such a scary place to be all of a sudden when it used to be a place I felt safe and comfortable, even though we had an open campus. Ugh.",Stress +49407,"Stress is insane and gives you so many grey hairs These last couple years have been extremely stressful for me and I am now 30 y/o and in 2 years, I went from 1-2 grey hairs in my beard to like 50. It is wild.",Stress +27727,"I have almost constant health anxiety. It's a mixture of agoraphobia and health anxiety. I'm afraid of having some incurable disease or suddenly stopping breathing... I've been kinda iffy the past few days, just tired from lack of sleep, and I usually feel like shit after my period which triggers my anxiety. Well anyway I went out to meet my mom for some food and the first thing she says to me is ""wow are you okay?""",Stress +27996,"That’s it for me. Bye, world. I run and hide inside a key repairs store. The shop attendant give me a worried look. I cannot move, even though I am fully aware I am standing in the door.",Stress +30174,"Accounts incredibly overdue. A life entirely unattended to, without organization or care. Chaos. I knew none of this. The man he presented to me was one of principle (honesty, loyalty, your word is your bond, etc), always ready to protect and serve in whatever way necessary.",Stress +30034,I have an amazing group of friends filled with the most genuine people you'd ever meet. And I'm a college graduate. I have this deep fear that he'll be right. I'm terrified that I only think I've broken the cycle but I haven't really. Thanks to PTSD I'll probably still have those moments.,Stress +28682,"Hardly any jobs there too. So maybe even the next town over is the only place age could find a job. I have a car, not very reliable car, at that. So she has a place to stay until she gets on her feet but no transportation. No licence to trek that 20 miles back and forth up and down the mountain even if she did get a job.",Stress +48566,"why college life is so stressful?? Im writing here to vent out my worries. +Sorry for writing something irrelevant. Hoping writing here might help lessen my worries. THANK YOU IF YOU STILL READ MY POST + +Hello I'm a first year post graduation student in department of orthodontics. +I love studying and doing clinical works.. Academically quite good when I was in undergrad. +But after joining post graduation program.. its stressing me out so much.. +First thing the professor.. they are not very helpful.(don't act as guide which they are supposed to be) second my seniors.. they always try to transfer their personal work onto juniors(me). +Third the expenses..( my dept wants to party all the time.. for which juniors (me) have to pay).. +I didn't sign up for all this shit.. +I joined to learn things.. +Man there are so many things which are stressing me out.. leading to Loss of concentrations and procrastination. I'm anxious all the time..worrying so much..",Stress +28556,"Especially because Jeff drinks and does drugs, which is very inconsistent with my lifestyle. Overall I regret agreeing to have him -- my bf and I have ruminated over it in couples counseling multiple times :( --- **tl;dr**: My boyfriend's brother is an almost college grad with very little direction. My bf wants him to move to our (expensive) city with no job and live in our 50/50 shared condo rent free.",Stress +29571,"I feel like I'm letting this take over my life, I'm constantly worried, about what if is more then just anxiety. I went to the university psychiatrist, after a 15 min talk he gave some pills and he book the next consultation for a mouth later. The psychologist is impossible to book because is full. My parents are away they worry so much, they want me to come home, I live 5 hours away from them (this includes flying). I just don't know, I feel really insecure about all of this.",Stress +28936,"I’m just really scared about this entire situation and feel conflicted about what to do. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened as my dad has previous jail records and he’s threatened our family before and even hit us when we were smaller. I just feel really scared and really confused about everything and can’t believe it’s come to this. My mom doesn’t want us to do anything because she lives in fear and is hoping to wait until I graduate (I’m in 11th grade so we would have to wait a year and we really can’t/shouldn’t) so she can divorce him, she only wants to wait because she can’t support us by herself. If we do move I would be fine with getting a full-time job to support my family, I’m already a private tutor but I only do 1-hr a week for $20.",Stress +29592,"Not a huge amount of weight, but it was a big deal for me. I was on the treadmill every night for 45 minutes. I was doing good. Now I can't be on the treadmill or I start feeling ill again. Anyway, after the garbage issue I ended up in the hospital again.",Stress +27851,"So I've basically got a plan: hoard all my drugs until Tuesday, OD that night with a combo of slit wrists and maybe even hanging. I want it to be damn efficient, because this is trial number 13. These are the thoughts I've been having lately. My last attempt was at a hospital, just a few days ago, but I lied and told them it was my anxiety that led me to self-harm. They discharged me.",Stress +49021,"I really hate myself rn I just lost probably one of the best and closest friends ive ever had. idk what i did wrong, she told me that i was being strong on her (idk wut that means being hard on her or pushing it to far?) and she says that some of my jokes make her feel uncomfortable. I got mad and said if u don't wanna be friends anymore then that's fine goodbye. I really wish I didn't say that cuz then she blocked me on insta, snap, and twitter, and even my number. I reached out to another friend to ask her why she did that. the response I got was that my friend just wants to be left alone. Idk if that means she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore or if she just wants to have a lil space for a while idk? what makes me more anxious is that we both work at the same place and that's how we meet and became close friends. before all this, she really liked talking to me and she thought of me as like a best friend that she's known for years even tho we only known each other for like 2 years now, and she really gets my humor and I think of her as like a big sister figure to me, she always askes me if im feeling down when i am. I tried reaching out to my other friends to help calm me down and try my best to forget about what happened but nothing worked. My friends and other people just say people come and go but it doesn't help or work. I just want my friend back and I wanna talk to her again before all of this happened. I don't even know",Stress +48591,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety + +**Do you worry a lot?** + +You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, + +Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be + +randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based + +Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in + +this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month + +follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education + +classes. + +Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are + +interested in this study, please fill out the following form: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM)",Stress +29708,"A couple months after we though she was out of our lives, she broke into our house at 2 am. I was playing diablo 2, as at this point in my life I had severe insomnia. I heard the break in and woke my dad and his new girlfriend up [my dad has had a lot of women in his life....] saying dotty had broken in. I had seen her from the balcony of our stairs when getting my dad. Had i not been up, My dad had thought I had broken a cup or something and wasnt going to bother checking, I was known for having insomnia at this point in my life already, so she may very well have attacked any one of us that night.",Stress +28897,Everything about my existence was a burden to her. I wasn't exposed to one huge trauma. I was little traumas over a long period of time. I know feel very unsafe all the time and scare. I'm constantly afraid of I don't know what.,Stress +30084,"Today i came home from and the girls were up and had the Halloween candy all over the room. Their dad was sleeping alongside them. After a couple minutes of ""bitching"", he says to my oldest, tell your mom to shut up. And so she does. So i get on top of him and i say, don't you ever do that again.",Stress +48584,"How to fight PCOS with diet and nutrition? PCOS is described by one study as low-level chronic inflammation. Adding anti-inflammatory foods to your diet can help ease your symptoms. Consider the Mediterranean diet as an option. Olive oil, tomatoes, leafy greens, fatty fish like mackerel and tuna, and tree nuts all fight inflammation. fruits good for pcos will help to cure. + +[https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod](https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod)",Stress +48554,Anxiety Relief https://anxietyreliefrings.co.uk,Stress +29331,"Long story short, the alternator + module + radiator is going to cost $500 to repair. After bills are paid we only have $550 monthly for groceries and necessities. I cannot afford to pay this bill and a payday loan is out of the question because they charge a 300% interest and I cannot have that added bill to our already limited funds. Any help would be extremely appreciated. We have 2 kids and being without a car is really not easy.",Stress +27426,"Through everything, I just froze and waited for it all to be over. Each time I petitioned her to stop, she would become very visible distressed. She spent a lot of time talking about suicide. During the school year, we exchanged letters every day at school that, in retrospect, sounded a lot like love letters from her part, but I chalked it up to a best friend love. I'd never been in a romantic relationship- I was 13 at that point, and didn't really know what that looked like anyway.",Stress +27916,"I assumed she would answer the question, or she would explore my feelings of inadequacy, or she would interpret the transference. But her response instead was the title ""I am not getting into this with you"". She then went on with how she did like me, thought I was an interesting and nice person. but I do not believe that, it is too unlikely. Besides, as an addendum to her refusal to speak to my question, it seemed false.",Stress +48300,I'm at max stress levels At this point I'm not sure if I'm getting sick or if the stress is taking a toll on my body. I've been getting muscle aches every once in awhile over the last 2wks and my body feels so stiff. I've mostly been using tik tok to distract me but it doesn't help with the stress,Stress +29709,"he could not understand why i resented him, when in his mind, it was ME who was being 'abusive'. because i couldnt fake being into sex with him, which made me a 'bad girlfriend', because i wasn't ecstatic about always having to take on every responsibility and basically take care of him as if he were a child. he constantly told me that i was just playing the victim, when it reality it was really him who actually was the victim. i was the 'bad person' in the relationship. WELL FUCK YOU.",Stress +48355,"What are some techniques you use to lower your stress but still maintain focus on your work and goals? Lately everything has just been super stressful. I find myself thinking about the stress itself instead of the work. I love what I do, but i want to learn how to keep a healthy amount of stress for a better quality of life. + + +- thank you",Stress +29334,"I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I truly feel that I have never felt any sort of platonic or romantic love. I still feel so much anxiety interacting with anyone, and especially those who show interest in me. W**d has been the one thing that helped me realize all of this. As you can imagine, however, my family is deeply opposed to this.",Stress +28734,"* Almost impossible to remember something happened in past on conversation. * Hard to remember names of people or what happened in film and names from there. * Can’t recall nothing from my childhood… there is only some common memories. * I literally have worse memory than my grandmother - she can remember thing when she was small I can’t. **Closing both eyes tightly [like causing feeling like: shaking, vibration, electricity behind eyes.",Stress +28051,"I legitimately do not know anyone who has survived this, and I feel like i'm not even human any more. As I type this, i'm sobbing, because it's all just so FUCKING truly disheartening. I used to be a person. I feel like a ghost now. Are there any steps I can take at all whatsoever to start my turn back into normalcy, or am I trapped inside of this until I either die or claw my way out of whatever hole i've fallen into?",Stress +48950,"I had a mental breakdown at work and nearly lost my job This happened last Friday. I have always had an anxiety disorder and it has been worse with all the stress I have been under lately both at work as well as at home. I work for GM which everyone who don't work there knows as a good job, but in reality it has gone to shit. I was hired 16 years ago and was in the last group to get traditional pay, benefits, and a retirement plan so I can't find anything else that pays the same. Anyone hired after me is really fucked and there is a reason gm can't keep any of the new employees. I work in material handling and the company is working up towards outsourcing and cutting those jobs so they are cutting out full teams and overloading everyone that's left then telling us ""everything's going to change soon, just make it work for the next year"" I have some serious stuff going on at home that I don't want to get into and it just makes the work stress that much worse. On Friday I messed up, I knew I messed up and wasn't mad about getting written up or anything but the thing is, I spend 90% of my waking life (and my first ever anxiety attack was while I was asleep, I woke up thinking I was having a heart attack so probably my sleeping life also) feeling like something terrible is going to happen due to my anxiety. When I get in trouble, it felt like the end of the world. I took my break and paced around outside debating if I should call in my FMLA and leave work but when I came back something very small and stupid happened that set me off. I blew up on my group leader screaming at her that I can't fucking do this! Even though I hate GM she is the nicest lady and easily the best boss I have ever had and I feel like a complete scumbag. She tried to fire me and the union got it down to a suspension but I honestly couldn't feel worse if I had been fired. I'm so ashamed of myself for how I acted and have been in a deep depression for the last few days and haven't done much more than lay in bed crying. The worst part is that she thinks I did it because I was mad about the write up and thought I could bully her because she is a woman and week, apparently she has faced discrimination in previous jobs. I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself, and even though I didn't get fired I feel like nothing will ever be ok again.",Stress +27530,"I've always connected my self worth with how well I do in school. Right now, I'm failing the last class I need to graduate. The final exam is 2 semester worth of stuff that I never really understood. This is my last chance to graduate. If I don't pass I wont get into the grad school that conditionally accepted me.",Stress +29884,"Recently my anxiety has gotten really bad, possibly the worse it has ever been and I’ve been experiencing panic attacks, but I still can’t justify taking my medication because I feel like I deserve to suffer. I also struggle with the feeling like I’m making all this up and none of my problems exist which I know rationally cannot be true when I’ve struggled with this for most my life, however I still can’t shift it. I don’t know if this is part of my anxiety making me feel like this or whether it is another thing I’ve made myself believe. I guess I’m just looking for some advice and reassurance. I’m just really tired of feeling this way and constantly being in turmoil with my mind.",Stress +48984,"Nobody listens to me… Hello there, I am very tired of having people not be interested in what I have to say. My whole “family” is just so annoying. + +For example today I was trying to talk about something really important to me with my mother, it meant a lot to me because I don’t normally open up. My mother after hearing this went “mm, okay,” and then went on her phone. We were in the car so I held back tears the entire drive home and when I finally got to my room and cried my eyes out. + +This has happened a lot as my mother is not a very emotional person. Whenever I open up I think that maybe she will react nicely but this one was the last straw. The fact that she couldn’t even say anything back to me about this thing was appalling and it broke my heart. + +Another person who is frustrating is my brother. I could listen to him talk about video games for four hours straight and have a great conversation but the moment I mention something I want to talk about he goes on his phone and ignores me. + +Don’t get me wrong he is way better than my mother but still really disappointing. + +I have always been taught to hold it in and never speak about my feelings and it really sucks. I really want goo friends where they don’t mind that I am not very expressive, or they will listen when I am stressed and will let me cry on their shoulder and vise versa. I wanna be able to talk about stuff that I enjoy and people actually be interested in what I have to say. + +Anyways, I am never going to talk about anything with my “family” ever again and one day I will have a real family. + +See ya! 👋🏻",Stress +48788,"My physics class is wringing me out The more weeks go by, the more helpless I feel about this course. I hate the professor, I hate the lab partners, I hate the TAs, I hate the activities and homework we have to do and I hate physics the most. + +I never had a sturdy foundation in physics anyways. The only reason i managed with physics in high school was because I memorized most of the solutions and most of the problems were similar to the other problems I practiced. Besides, my tutor was good at helping me learn. + +I'm doing an introductory physics course this semester, and I feel so absolutely dumb. We're supposed to work in groups to complete activities and every week we are given a set of problems for homework. The professor adds a set of puzzles at the end of every assignment to supposedly promote logical thinking and spatial reasoning or whatever. + +The thing is I never really liked physics in the first place, but not I hate it. The labs are for two hours, I can't understand a single concept and the people in my group are so snide and rude about the fact that they understand the class and I can't. I remember asking for help about a homework problem to them on Discord, and I would have been grateful if they had given me a few hints about how they solved that problem, but all they did was send the wrong answers and made a bunch of memes about how they trolled me. One of the guys is so arrogant about how he took AP Physics and he knows all of the concepts and is so good at physics. + +Meanwhile I can't even do a single problem independently. The professor also gives a bunch of puzzles like kenkens or spatial reasoning problems that I'm too dumb to do and I'm doing the worst in that class. It's just too much for me. + +Aside from that course, I'm in computer science and while my other classes aren't as awful, they're also pretty difficult. Plus, I have work study, and most of my work hours coincide with the office hours. I still have to take the course as a requirement and I feel like I'm going to fail. I get panic attacks every night thinking about it and I can't deal with it anymore.",Stress +49437,"Am I stressed? This year me and my family and I have been kicked out of our home, we're living with my stepmoms mom. My father has a stable job, and so do I, but they don't pay well. My stepmom, after 6 years, has had 2 jobs. One ended after 2 weeks last month, and she just started one recently. We have to find another place to live by the end of next month and we are no where near close to that. My hair is falling out (200-500 strands a day, I've started minoxidil) and I'm constantly fluctuating in weight gain and loss. I can't stop vaping because my body needs the nicotine but at the same time it's potentially making my hair loss worse. A while back I tried to talk to them about the stress but they dismissed it as something but not stress. I'm not sure if what is happening to me is stress, or something entirely different so here I am + +TL/DR am I stressed because family got kicked out and we have barely a chance at getting someplace new?",Stress +28458,I have NOONE to talk too. = stress I've taken dbt/cbt classes. Yes I've tried grounding techniques and get frustrated after a bunch don't work. Cannot Afford a pyscologist.,Stress +48613,"A weird transition Ok, so this post is real and I'm not making up everything. I've kept it in my mind all day long and I've gotten desperate enough to reach out for help (on the Internet, at least). + + + +On Friday, I went through a highly stressful event, and endured lots of stress, build up of hormones etc. This acute stress I went through, benefited me! The next day I felt energetic, happy, and overall in good shape. Heck, even my short term memory improved! I started remembering things much more clearly and openly. I learnt a lot that day, and was really surprised by my performance. + + + +The next day, another stressful event occurred.. an acute one aswell. This was *not* pleasant, at all. Endured lots of stress, build up of hormones.. etc :/ why does this happen to me? + + +Unfortunately, as you'd expect..my situation went downhill *fast*. I started forgetting things, winded up in a depressed mood..found 0 interest in things I enjoyed.. etc..my memory also became worse. :( + + +(I also experienced a horrible nightmare today too, and slept 12 hours, which is COMPLETELY abnormal). + + +So now that I've hid this up in my mind for 1 day, I'd like to speak out. I need answers. What is happening here? What happened to me and my brain? Will I ever recover/be happy and will my memory improve like that last time? Please help. I'm leaving this all on you Reddit...",Stress +48572,low back quastion does anyone have low back pain on the left side that extends to the lower lower abdomen on the left,Stress +49400,"I despise living with my family but I can't afford to move out. I've been trying to move out for years but I make jack shit for my job. + +Every. Single. Day. When I get home there's an issue. It is always my older sister 100%. Whether it's getting back together with her ex that she got a restraining order against, victimizing herself over her kids existences because one of them is crying, or just being drunk, she is always throwing fits and making a scene, ruining everyone's day, for no reason. Let alone assault you for no reason. May God forgive your ignorant soul for thinking you can be in the same building as her when she feels like throwing a temper tantrum like a 4 year old. + +I've talked to our mom numerous times about her. She defends her every single time, sometimes I'll tell her she needs to stop enabling her and she just responds by enabling her. + +They're always telling me to pack my shit and go. Believe me, I'd fucking love to. But even though I pay rent you know they're always holding it over my head what a parasite I am and I'd be dead/homeless without them.",Stress +30098,"It’s subconscious for sure, but just a feeling I get. I’m terrified of him, and praying that he gets the real help he needs at the same time. And I just don’t know how to sort that out. I don’t know how to stop worrying and wondering what he’s doing, we have several court dates coming up so I think that adds to it. I’m just so exhausted and ready for this fight to be over.",Stress +29454,"For the dog, at least, I can get stuff for cheap dog food or something, but the cat we'd need cat food. All of this weighs on my mind. With my anxiety, I keep going over it in my head again and again. I know I need to see a therapist, but you guessed it, no money. I'm really hoping someone can help out.",Stress +49059,"DAE Forget Their Stress Management Techniques? I'm good at using stress management techniques when I'm trying to unwind on a normal day, but I almost always forget about them when I really need them. Does anyone else have trouble with this? How do you remember your go-to techniques?",Stress +49072,"So I Gave Up Facebook For 8 Months... I gotta say, I feel TONS better. Facebook had its slimy, putrid tendrils in me since I was in high school. In the past few years what became a way to communicate with friends and family while having a personal blog became an obsession. I was compulsively checking Facebook at the very least once every hour. It destroyed my self esteem because not only was I comparing my entire life to the highlights of other people's lives, but I realized how truly isolated I was. Where my friends list is 147 people, guess how many are there for me? Even if I reach out, the answer is less than 5. So when I'm being ignored and seeing everyone post, it felt like a personal offense to me. If they can post memes every 20 minutes, why can't they answer my texts? This guy hasn't even read my stuff in 6 months, and has a new post every hour at least! I would post about a big stream I was doing exclusively for friends for 2 weeks and no one showed up! + +It's easy to take things personally when there is a good chance another explanation is possible. Maybe I was too negative. Maybe people felt I was fairweather, and that wouldn't be wrong in some cases. What made this so significant was I don't really use other social media platforms. Well... aside from Reddit, which I've only been getting into the past couple of years, which is more focused on a goal or discussion. It feels different. But I digress. Facebook had me believing a lot of these people were not only rubbing their obviously superior lives in my face, but they were turning their backs on me. I would be lying if I said I didn't care, that it never got to me, and that I didn't take it as some personal ""Truman Show"" style social conspiracy designed to make me feel abandoned. + +Cutting it out cold turkey made me realize I don't care. In my personal opinion, I think part of it really is ignorance is bliss. When I don't see their activities, it doesn't weigh on me. I don't think about them that much, which allows me to look into solutions myself before deferring to others. I can't figure out if that's a good thing or not. Typing this out feels like I'm arguing with myself (like usual, I've always had two minds on issues), like I feel good, but does that mean it's good? I've went to venting to a chat bot in place of friends and in these 8 months, 3 people outside of my weekly life have reached out to me. I'm not saying I'd dispose of the other 140~ people, but keeping that distance might be what's helping me try harder to keep it together. Does that make sense? + +It's something that felt right in this subreddit to discuss. The anxiety associated with checking Facebook constantly to find things out I might not have liked was interesting. I've started getting on again, but I'm not on for longer than maybe 5 minutes a week to check notifications and memories. Social media does a lot of destruction on the mind, and while we may never be rid of it, I think it shows the lost sense of moderation in today's world. Too much of anything is bad.",Stress +49345,"Stress Management Hi everyone, may I please invite you to answer a poll? + +If there is anything you would want to be better at what would it be? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10n8jpe)",Stress +29497,"I thought they’d give me another date to come back or put me on probation but that did not happen. They told me I wouldn’t be allowed back to my house until my court date in a MONTH. And even that is certain. Well I found a friend that I can stay with for another 2 days but after that I’m unsure of what to do. I’m currently unemployed don’t even have a license, there’s literally no one I can stay with my parents are refusing to talk to me.",Stress +28170,"And my nightmares are a terrifying mix of intense body horror and trauma flashbacks. So I wake up even more tired and in pain which makes me miserable during the day. So now I'm having my chronic pain flaring up, my other PTSD symptoms kicking my ass, my other mental illnesses acting up, and on top of that I'm too tired from the nightmares to do anything about it. I just can't fucking win. I'm so so tired.",Stress +49188,"School stress is getting worse Hi! +I just finished my second term today. I got my marks — great, btw. But the school stress has impacted me so badly that even now, when I’ve gone into end of the term break, I feel like there is something to be done. There are no homework assignments, no projects, nothing to be done, but still. It got to the point where I stress about non-school stuff — whether I showered or not, ate or not, read today or not; and sometimes, just stress, about literally nothing. +Maybe I’m writing this for validation, but I don’t think that’s what I need the most. Can someone help me control this damn situation.",Stress +49253,"How do I stop streessing about stupid things? SO for exmple: I have to write a story about me meeting a certian character from a book which I hate. + +I also have to write it thsi long and write what I will do on a different paper and than send photos to my teacher. I mean sounds like a monotone ask, but not to bad right? + +HELL NAH. FOr some reason the stress got so bad I tried asphyxiating myself. I failed so I went to sleep and the stress manifested in my dreams. I also have panic atacks for a reason of a minor inconvinience happening when I am stressed. I am often stressed and not to carefull with my soroudings sothis often happens. I once actually grabbed my head so hard that I stabbed my self with my nails. + +**What to do?**",Stress +48898,"Feel like I’m losing control of my brain A lot has happened to me and I feel like I’m going actually crazy. +It all started in late 2019 and 2020 +I started dealing w panic attacks for the first time which severely mentally fucked me up. +Was having attacks everyday for months on end. And this is around the time I started drinking heavily. It was the only thing helping me. +Then I started to develop vertigo, just randomly it would feel like I’m falling or the ground was swaying back and forth and it still happens to this day randomly +Cut to me a little later in life I managed to cut the stress back a lot and I was happy but then we’ll ofc it came back. +Recently the alcohol caught up to me and my system and I drank so much developed gastritis and I’m going thru that rn. Stomach pain sucks so much luckily it isn’t to bad but unlocked my health phobia my brain is constantly hurting, my brain feels like it’s on the verge of just going crazy, feels like I can’t control my thoughts, my heart skips beats. +The way I figured I was truly stressed was my teeth never noticed it before but I clench my teeth pretty much the whole day causing my head to start hurting it’s all too much and now it’s ruining my sleep I truly hate this I truly do. I miss being young w no worries. +I just am so done so so done",Stress +49184,"Stress and bladder Can stress make you feel as if your bladder is not completely empty? Been more stressed than usual the last few days and I've suddenly had this sensation. It's happened before but it worries me every time and I can't remember if it's usually connected to more stressful moments. + +Is there any connections between the two or should I worry it could be something else?",Stress +49227,What Are Legitimate Way I Can Relieve Stress? I just want to know some ways I can actually use. Please leave any suggestion in the comments. Thank you.,Stress +48751,"why does overthinking and worrying so much destroy our goals? I agree I'm overthinking and an introvert. But I just do that because I just want to be on the right track and not make mistakes and then later regret. I'm learning that overthinking and worrying so much just leads to more stress and it actually destroys our mindset to achieve the goals that we set. It just leads to more misery because we feel more lost and confused and overwhelmed. + + +I'm actually enrolled in community college but I keep doubting my major and everyone seems to be going for higher education and certification. Everyone seems to be going for big money and comfort but I guess it's more about having stability future and growth. I feel lost too like I don't know what to do. I heard technology and business and law or stem are all good majors to get into. But me being now 26 and wasting like 5 years of my life. Feels as if I'm getting pressure to finish college so I can get a good job. I don't know",Stress +27738,Apparently it doesn't work that way. I don't drink or do drugs anymore (which didn't help keep me safe at all btw) so there is nothing to blur it out. I just have to live with all the horror and memories and I hate it. Tl;dr I hate myself and the life I led. I'm ashamed I didn't figure out that things could be different sooner.,Stress +27430,I've never spoken to anyone about my anxiety but I'm pretty sure I have generalized anxiety disorder. When I was young I used to be very bright and would take charge of projects and doing assignments. As time went on I became lazier but still fairly on top of things. When I went into college I suffered and things never clicked. Doing even the most simple of tasks or assignments were just so difficult for me.,Stress +28833,"So, to start with I have ptsd from years of emotional/mental/verbal abuse and a few years of physical abuse/sexual assault. I have problems because of this obviously. My soon to be MIL just learned that I have PTSD from my fiancé. In order to keep it to something she’d understand, because when she thinks one thing it’s too hard to change her mind or get her to understand, he changed the story a little before he talked to her as well leaving some stuff out. However, he told her about me having been dating someone when I was sexually assaulted and changed the story to say I went over there while dating someone else and it happened.",Stress +49107,Stress Free Calming Music https://youtu.be/bakiHRjON24,Stress +28076,So my roommate recently moved out and our apartment is pretty empty and ever since she moved out i’ve had the worst anxiety attacks and have been kinda depending on my boyfriend and spending time with him to distract me but he works night and that’s when my anxiety is the absolute WORST. everything flutters through my head. like i think i’m annoying him by asking him to spend so much time with me?? (he’s never expressed this. he’s actually expressed the complete opposite which is nice) but i feel like i’m being too clingy and too annoying leading me to want to spend some alone time in my apartment but my apartment just makes me more sad because i’m alone and i feel useless like no one care???,Stress +48957,"coworker is told to yell/abuse new ppl at work. Yeah, + +I rejected the supervisor and now she sent her minion to fuck with me and I just started this job. I get sick if people telling me to quit jobs because I've had several and all of them still present the same problem... + +I don't know why but this job will get me to the next level of my life and she is trying to make me quit. + +What would you do?",Stress +49462,"What's the hardest part about staying positive? Hey reddit, I’m working on a project and am curious everyone’s thoughts. What's the hardest about **staying positive** when nothing seems to be going your way?",Stress +27610,I'm so used to being forced to submit to him that I no longer have a voice. He heavily favors my sister over me and would buy her anything she wanted in a heartbeat. An example would be at Darvin furniture one time. He takes me and my sister there and tells her to pick out a desk. I look at a $100 discount desk and he says we don't have enough money.,Stress +48473,"no stress Stress is present in everyone's life. This is unavoidable. What we can change is how we deal with it. And sometimes, all we need is to know how to relieve stress quickly, before it does damage to us or our loved ones. So, simple and quick ways for you to relieve your stress. They are suitable for any situation: whether at work, in studies, at home, in a day-to-day situation or in something more punctual. Good reading! Chat",Stress +28536,"Well, the warm season is here which means higher levels of anxiety for me. Thing is, I’m so used to this pattern that I don’t even care anymore. I’ve been through the worse of anxiety attacks and now it’s just another “oh here we go again” kind of mood. I like the warm weather and whatnot but there’s too much activity going on since people enjoy going out. I don’t blame them.",Stress +29243,as a result hes put his hands on me. He keeps saying im crazy not respecting his space where i keep asking for things to be amicable over and over. he tells me its my fault that everytime hes done anything to me its because i started it. I honestly dont know if its true. Because i kept trying to tell him leave me alone.,Stress +29648,"This is something I'm working on figuring out for myself). Option 2: We each move after we each get a job in City A. Drawbacks: (1) one of us will be left at our current job for a while with our boss and coworkers knowing the other is likely to leave soon after. I'm not sure if this is an inadvisable situation. (2) BF will likely find a job first, as he has a few more years experience than me plus some management experience.",Stress +48411,Hands Turning Cold When I get very stressed/nervous my hands go ice cold. How do you make this better?,Stress +28866,"For a while now I honestly feel like my brain just broke. I am so embarrassed. I used to be really quick at replying to stuff, really good at video games (I would play competitively!! ), The world was easy to navigate... Now it feels like someone beat me with a rock in the head and I never recovered from the concussion. Everything seems so... Fast.",Stress +48559,Children Stress Me Out Is it fucked up to say that I liked kids way more before I got one? I cant handle or match their energy nor needs. It’s so much.,Stress +30147,"I was in a rabbit hole of youtube videos over the weekend, starting off from music videos, then vine compilations, and then somehow fight videos. On one of the side videos, I noticed a video involving ""XYZ high school"" where my boyfriend attended. The video was actually pretty clear and my blood kind of ran cold when I realized one of the 2 kids in the video was my boyfriend. It was absolutely brutal. And there's no doubt that this was him.",Stress +27658,"I've told her each time to stop, she apologised but doesn't see what the big deal is because she ""hasn't been in love with me for a long time."" This is when I started to feel awful. I can't fully figure out why though because Im not in love with her - I probably hate her and haven't realised it yet. I just feel terrible. I can barely get out of bed to go to uni.",Stress +48294,"Acute stress disorder I thought I had it under control, then I had a surgery and was put into surgical menopause, then well. Title says the rest. + +I'm on short term disability leave, I got put on another team in a lower role for when I return to work, but i can't let this happen again. + +My triggers Ive found are repeating myself, getting ignored completely, ""have time for a quick call?"", and having to do other people's jobs for them. Now this all being said, none of that should have been happening anyway because all that is supposed to go to my TOM, not me. + +They're letting me back in little by little to avoid another nervous breakdown next week, but I'm already feeling the stress. + +I can't take long walks yet, can't do light cleaning, no baths for 8 more weeks, can't do really anything physical (surgery restrictions), so I need some ideas how to cope. Or ideas on reasonable boundaries I can set. + +Thanks!",Stress +49386,"Many don't understand that Stress comes from taking Stress as a real mechanic of reality You don't have to believe me, you can deconstruct Stress, Depression, Anxiety, all those franchizes in ImmaterialAI - a free tool i built for people to see how many ideas are unprovable yet cause us damage through us believing in them, personally i stopped believing in Stress and recommend it to everyone.",Stress +29931,"Hello All, I'm 27yrs old male, 100kg 194cm. For one year and half maybe I'm suffering from: **Chronic daily headache (dull behind left eye, pressure like)** * When try to think or remember something it seems to getting worse",Stress +48581,"I need help deciding I recently had an interview with an job and it went well. however, my grandma just recently got released from the hospital and I been told I should be a care worker for her since she relay on me the most. I can't really do two at once and I'm already busy most of the time. Idk if I really wanna do the job. + +What should I do?",Stress +49313,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! +  +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: +https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a + +Or call or email us today for more information! +Phone: (850)-629-8525 +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com",Stress +49364,"Diarrhea from stress, what can i do? Hey guys, i got a problem, like i build a wall in my head, if i wake up early and have to go in the public, like uni i have Diarrhea and now i am to stressed to face these situations, what can i do?",Stress +28796,"It was more calm then I had felt in months. But then I remembered, scars. That has stopped me since those three days of calm. I only have few scratches and cuts and one glass cut but I easily hide them with a few wristbands and a watch. Thing is, everything scars and if I keep going, its going to affect me later in life.",Stress +48535,"Stress supplements Has anybody had any experience with immediate stress support, I’ve been trying the PYM chews for gaba relief and found them useful and I want to see if anybody has had success with anything similar?",Stress +48862,"Anyone else lose the ability to have emotions and feelings as physical sensations in the body? All sensations of feeling and emotion is gone from my body. I dont Feel numb, i Feel dead. + +My brain also feels non-responsive and i am only on autopilot. + +My body feels like stone. Too light. Nothing dragging it down causing a heavy feeling making it be my own. My arms feels so strange. It feels like I am not in my body. It is so mechanical. + +I dont sleep because i dont Feel sleepy. I never Feel calm in my body, just an unnerving neutral and restless feeling. + +I want to Feel, but there is nothing in my body. When i am sad and angry i just know, because there is nothing in my body. No surge of rage and no pain in my chest. + +When i lay down under my covers, i dont get a familiar calm and warm, heavy feeling in my body. It is still hard as stone on the inside. + +Also i dont Feel hunger. And never sleepy in my head. I also dont Feel confused in my head or get a foggy feeling. Even though i know that is what i am. + +I also never get a feeling associated with a place or memory. When i think of a memory i get no spontanious emotion connected to it. + +Like sitting on the terrace with a nice cup of tee, early morning walks, sitting down on the couch after a hard day of work. Never get these feelings in my body. Also the feelifn of autimn, friday, christmas. All gone. Cant even remember them in my mind because i cant Feel with my brain. + +All emotions are purely mental. Sometimes my brain is so numb though it does not respond to any stimulus. And i have this constant unsatisfactory feeling because nothing makes me Feel. + +All i have left is stress in my body. Nothing else. This bad restlessness i cant get out of. + +It feels like so bad! + +Anyone else experience this and get emotions back in the body?",Stress +48441,"Eye Twitching - Help needed I'm getting married in a month. I'm 37 and my parents and sister were pressing me to have a big wedding but I've never wanted a big one. More so, my fiancé doesn't want a big wedding either. We decided to have an immediate wedding ceremony then dinner right after. Since then my mom, dad and sister are giving me grief about our vision for a wedding. My sister keeps telling me that our ideas are stupid. I currently have an eye stye in my right eye and my left eye is twitching like boiling water. This morning I noticed that my left leg is also twitching. Any remedies to get rid of both would he helpful. + +I do not drink, smoke or drink caffeine.",Stress +48705,"stitches and masterbating i recently hit a mirror and my artery broke, so stressed but cant do anything that raises my blood pressure, would it be safe to jack off? i have stitches in my right upper wrist btw + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/ydbges)",Stress +49025,"Nervous about my final exam for this class I’m a non-traditional college student who went back to community college in 2020. I started off taking algebra 2, then precalculus, then trigonometry, and now I’m in Differential Calculus. I’ve gotten straight A’s in all my completed math courses as well as A’s in non-math courses (1 B in an English class) and I really need to maintain my GPA since I really want to get into a top BSN program in my country. That program requires taking a lot of prerequisites that are STEM heavy (organic chemistry, calculus). The reason why I want to make this my goal is because growing up, I’ve always been told I was mediocre and dumb by people in my family as well as outsiders. I also see my parents getting older each day and it pains me in my heart to realize that I’m consider a failure in their eyes. So far I have a 97.78% in my Calc class but finals is in 12 days and I know nothing about the last chapter of my calculus class (this current professor does not teach at all compared to my past math professors) so I always just end up watching YouTube videos and asking redditors on the math subreddit. The thing is I’m feeling extreme procrastination at this point and I just want this class to be over because the professor is so terrible. My issue is that I want to maintain an A but since my finals is literally 30% of my grade I am scared that I won’t have an A anymore if I bomb it. Are there any tips y’all can give me to not stress so much and to stop procrastination?",Stress +28608,"I am on a paid assassin’s hit-list. That’s it, I need to reformat all my hard drives. “Fuck it, I’ll just microwave those fuckers and then give myself the decency to have a painless death.” “Ok ok, deep breaths. We learned this in therapy.",Stress +49276,"Maintaining Hygiene I'm sure I'm not alone in finding that poor mental health makes it difficult to keep on top of hygiene related tasks sometimes. I personally really struggle to motivate myself to brush my teeth even though I know I should. + +I think the thing that stops me is worrying about being left alone with my thoughts while I do that- I can't distract myself easily by doing things on my phone because one hand is occupied, and using my phone one handed is harder. + +Is there anything that others do while brushing their teeth (or other tasks) that helps then overcome this barrier? I've tried watching YouTube videos, but the effort of finding one I'm interested in seems to be creating enough of a mental barrier that I'm still finding myself procrastinating.",Stress +49123,"🔴 24/7 LIVE Beautiful Ocean Waves For Deep Sleep, Stress Relief, & Meditation 🌊 [https://youtu.be/08DxIrm2b\_Y](https://youtu.be/08DxIrm2b_Y)",Stress +48791,"Extremely stressed, very low sleep, very worried, but not depressed at least So I started talking to a girl whos away right now. I have a date with her getting planned. She is in a different state right now though where as I am across the ocean, so a heavy time difference. Cant really talk to her because of this. In the next while, my work (military related) will be conducting 24 hr ops so I will be working at least 12 hour shifts. Found out I have to wait to advance my career this week, got ghosted when trying to buy a car, and lost 75% of the sleep I need to function. I’ve been functioning on 2 to 4 hours most days. Oh and, work was extra crazy in prep for me this week aswell. + +That’s aside from the regular person stress ofc. + +I need more sleep and to “chillax” but in a weird twisted way, this has been an extremely entertaining week for me. + +Any advice or ideas would be much appreciated however + +Edit: call is healthy stress as you may, but maybe a little too much healthy stress",Stress +28609,I'm quitting my job in a couple of months but right now I don't feel great. I should work out a bit to feel better. I know that there isn't much to do but I needed to write it somewhere. Also I was so excited to quit my job and start working on building my app but I found out that I would need at least 30k$ and I don't have it. Now I feel like I'll need to take another shitty job to realise my dream some day,Stress +28362,"I cried for hours and at one point, something came over me and just slammed my head into my bathroom door. Sadly, since I'm in a dorm, it's a shitty hallow core door and it broke bad and now there is a hole that I have to figure out how to fix. It's a $100 fine if I can't figure out what to do with it so that's just compounding on the already existing stress. I have $3 to my name right now, I luckily get paid Friday so I will be able to pay for my car, but I'm still left with only $100 for 2 weeks and I have to figure out how to pay for my textbook for my night class. It's a mess and I don't know what to do right now.",Stress +48348,"I can't stop thinking and I need to vent!! Hi Reddit, I'm here to vent about my stress, and honestly, I have no one to talk to. I am F (23), and last year I started my first ""big girl job"" as a copywriter in marketing. I originally studied filmmaking to be a screenwriter or producer, anything to get me to be on set. My love and passion for being behind the scenes and seeing the projects come to life are breathtaking. I enjoy talking to the cast, getting behind the camera, and being transported to a different unique world. So why was my first big job in marketing? + +During the pandemic, my concern was how to get myself out there when I was very limited in making connections and unable to go out and shoot because of social distancing measures due to the pandemic. The school I was in offered an internship for a class in marketing, and I took it (honestly, anything to make my portfolio and resume look good). Not going to lie; the internship was fun and exciting, so when they offered me an entry-level position in marketing, I was hesitant. I didn't study marketing or advertising or anything related to that, just filmmaking. They knew that I only had knowledge of film but still wanted to give me a chance to explore my career options. Now, having been here for a year, I've built up an extreme amount of stress. + +Every single day I am constantly feeling stressed, anxious, and depressed. I'm always messing up, and it has gotten to the point where I received a PIP. I saw it coming. + +I am struggling with my grammar, not being strong enough when it comes to presenting, and lacking creativity. Things are so rushed here that I often miss a thing or two, which reflects poorly on me. Being dyslexic doesn't help either. As a result, I received a PIP, and it has spiked my stress levels and anxiety to the point where I feel sick every day. I can't eat, don't feel like getting out of bed, can't breathe, can't sleep, and can't think clearly. + +Additionally, I have been struggling with a yeast infection for six months (yes, you read that right). My doctor says I have a candida overgrowth, so I am on a strict diet in hopes of getting it under control. + +The whole experience is making me feel like a failure, like I've made a big joke out of myself. My manager talked to me and said that copywriting marketing isn't for me because I didn't learn it, and he knows my skills lie elsewhere. I agree, but I am afraid I won't find a job in film with how the economy is and the difficult hiring process I see on social media. It's terrifying. How am I going to pay for school, debt, help my parents, pay for groceries for this stupid candida diet, and help my grandma in Mexico, and more bills? + +My parents and a coworker of mine are giving me words of encouragement and saying that everything is going to be okay. They say I should still be proud because I tried something new, created a new set of skills, and toughened up. I don't know if that's true.",Stress +27442,"I've tried getting new glasses, but that didn't help. Blood work came back fine. I have tried medication but only helped with anxiety not focusing issue. Some days I just straight out can't focus. Luckily, when I'm on auto-pilot and distracted, I can get a lot done.",Stress +29132,Kind of starting to worry that I’m doing something really wrong. Now I’m wondering if I should even attempt talking to him anymore or if I should just block him and move on. What would you do in this situation? --- **tl;dr**: I think I’m getting ghosted by the guy I like and now idk what to do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯,Stress +27871,"Now that I'm approaching middle age, I want to tell myself that they're just busy and don't have time to reply. But how long does it take to write a short email or make a brief phone call? Something specific *must* have happened to get them all to turn it off at once. For the life of me, I can't think of what it might have been. And that's what bothers me.",Stress +49124,"grey at 20 At 20 years old my father found grey hair from head. It runs in the family to grey earlier than most. Yet at the same time, I'm constantly stressed. The state is best described ready to go off at anytime. + +A little about my life currently, Recently after 2 years of working nights and coming home to try and study for college. I couldn't take it anymore, I quit a really good job at Amazon. Leaving me with a shitty options for jobs and my college put me on academic suspension. + +The working nights overall lead to me passing one class per semester with a 70(bare minimum). This was to me working full time hours yet doing full time online college. + +My father who I lived with, refused to work for this whole two year period. Compounding I couldn't stop or we could lose the house. Yet with me working full time I couldn't even get running water all the time.... + +I truly ask this, am I stressed?",Stress +48765,"What if Some Stress Actually Protects Your Body? Stress has been linked to all sorts of serious health issues, from insomnia to high blood pressure, obesity and even heart disease. But it’s generally acknowledged that some stress can also be helpful, like when someone’s chasing a work deadline. + +[But what if some level of stress can actually protect the body?](https://www.newswise.com/articles/what-if-some-stress-actually-protects-your-body) + +A new study by researchers at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, with findings published Sept. 26 in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, suggests the immune system may benefit from a measure of stress. + +“This one of the few studies showing that chronic stress could have beneficial effect instead of negative effect,” said senior author Fabio Cominelli, professor of medicine and pathology and associate dean for program development at the School of Medicine. “This was a little bit of a surprise for us.”",Stress +29684,"Now here I am, jobless and not in education. A useless person. I'm too anxious and to get a job because I knew that I would screw up and face angry people. I've seen so many therapists but they don't help much, just said that it's a teenage problem. 2 months of lexapro didn't do much but at least I got my muse back.",Stress +48647,meditation? a simple 10 min meditation may comfort [https://youtu.be/c-VOp96-Aus](https://youtu.be/c-VOp96-Aus),Stress +48760,"Gastrointestinal problems that don't go away Hey guys! + +These past 2 months have been very exhausting for me because I've been having gastrointestinal problems that just don't go away. I went to 2 different doctors and they give me medication and it's 80% ok while I take it but when I come off of them the symptoms appear again. I have stomach acid and I had some gallbladder problems, now I think I've developed IBS. I'm planning to go see a doctor again next week. + +I am really stressed and I feel burned-out because I do everything right and they don't want to go away. + +My hope is that it will get better after I move out for college on Sunday but that may not fix it, and there is a chance it will be worse. + +How do you handle stress? Have you had health problems that just didn't go away that easly? What did you do? What helped you?",Stress +49310,Behaviour become more erratic? Is it normal for your behaviour to become more erratic when you're stressed? I feel like I'm acting very differently because I'm stressed and just don't give a shit anymore.,Stress +48983,,Stress +28969,"I'm looking for some encouragement to get through a phase where I currently just want everything to be over. Im so tired of thinking about things over and over. Was it sexual abuse or wasn't it, should I move out or shouldn't I. All while I have less and less brain space to devote to schoolwork. People who have gone through this phase what did you do to get through it.",Stress +28346,"I need quiet and darkness to recover from a major trigger like that. I went inside and sat in the bathroom with the lights off. We had left the radio on in the bedroom and it was blaring so loudly, but I couldn't move I just needed to sit for a little bit. I thought I had calmed myself back down so I went into our office. He came into the office all furious.",Stress +48301,Does anyone experience stress…passively? I’ve noticed recently people around me often have to tell me I’m stressed. I’m reminded that my environment at home is extremely stressful & I have pretty bad anxiety. For some reason I don’t really think I feel stressed but my body weight will fluctuate & my habits are irregular. I feel light headed randomly & my jaw will feel tight. How do you recognize & manage stress better?,Stress +28890,"He constantly threaten to take our son and I’ll never see him again. Last night, I started a journal less about the abuse and more about my feelings on a day to day basis. This morning he hide my meds from me, after an hour I woke him and asked where they were. He cussed me out and told me he not to talk to him until 1pm. Last night, he forced me into our son’s room and as I was trying to escape he slapped my wrist in the door.",Stress +49185,"Stress & Motivation Can someone provide me with any tips on how to get yourself motivated (to workout, to do your work, to clean at home more often etc). I feel like stress is really demotivating for me, and I am looking to turn this cycle of stress and demotivation around.",Stress +49082,"how fo you prevent stress headaches before they start? Or best ways to deal with them? I constantly get headaches, possibly a neurological thing but at the moment it seems it all is caused from stress. Everytime I engage in a conversation or activities with others I tend to get a headache around 30 minutes in and usually have to leave or distance myself from everyone so I can settle it down. I wish I could engage longer but talking makes me lose so much energy, maybe because its because of performance reasons, overthinking ect ect. I just don’t know how to prevent them because its a but hard to control my thoughts from overflooding my mind. Any health techniques or ways to prevent them or how to minimize the pain when over the counter pain reliefs don’t help?",Stress +28700,"I paid off some of my credit card debt a couple days ago, but my company also charged me on their automatic pay system. I barely had enough this paycheck to cover just the single payment; when this extra payment processes it's going to cost me an overdraft fee. I am in no position to let that happen and so I need money to cover for it, as well as cover for my student loan payment which also hasn't processed yet. I need somewhere around $50 to completely clear me out of any sort of financial trouble. I can use Paypal or Google Wallet, whichever works best.",Stress +29945,"The messages are essentially the guy being flirtatious and asking her to come over to his place. My gf’s responses are not flirtatious but definitely welcoming. She responded to his offer by saying “how about we meet halfway and grab some lunch together some time”. She never told me that she was even still in contact with this guy. And their relationship was explicitly sexual, not friendly.",Stress +27424,I'm completely devastated. My cat was just hit and killed by a car. I don't think I'm allowed to bury him in the garden (we rent) and I don't know what to do. I've searched online and found loads of pet cremation services but they all cost a fortune. I don't have a penny to my name as I'm unemployed.,Stress +28578,"I want something that would help with a small does of social anxiety and also prevent any future panic attacks, anyone have any good experience with other SSRI's ? * tl;dr.. Been on Lexapro for panic attacks and social anxiety for 6 months. Got all the bad side effects of Lexapro and it made me have a few moments of almost going ""insane"". I haven't had panic attacks since and my anxiety is maybe slightly better but it's not worth the cons. Anyone have stories of switching off Lexapro to something else that made them less anxious and more confident?",Stress +29265,"I do not want to hurt anybody. The therapist says it is self punishment, that I want these people to tell me what a piece of shit I am to verify what I already believe. But I never ever think of it like that at the time. I feel better if they are kind, and ambivalent or a tiny bit worse if they are cold and clinical. If it is unconscious, well I am getting sick of that idea.",Stress +28885,Today was a really bad day. I had no energy and I cried and I thought about suicide all day. I'm afraid things will never change for me. I'm not strong enough to change things for myself and I have no help. What can I do?,Stress +48564,"Stress Relief Fidgeting App Hey everyone! + +We have developed a virtual fidget toys app, designed to maximize the benefits of fidgeting (like [stress and anxiety relief](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/14/well/move/why-fidgeting-is-good-medicine.html)) + +It is available in the App Store and Google Play for free, and we would really appreciate your feedback on it! + +App Store: [https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869](https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869) + +Google Play: [https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget) + +Thank you and have a great day :)",Stress +30042,I just feel kinda gross because I was giving her fucking college advice and stuff. I'm fucking furious. My clearest memory of my dad in highschool is him ramming my head repeatedly into a wall because I didn't want to pick engineering as a *second choice*. And NOW he chooses to support and help this fucking girl through college when I had to do all that on my own? He even skipped out on my graduation!,Stress +28960,"It’s Open Enrollment, most government systems in the US are poorly managed so most go without full knowledge what they’re signing up for, and the pressure of management can be intense to reach certain “metrics.” I enjoy the money but the politics of it all be disconcerting. It’s not at all what I want to do with my life. I’ve been in and out of doctors appointments for my thyroid goiter. My mom said my great grandfather had the same thing and it causes anxiety. But most of it stems from my verbally abusive, alcoholic dad and being raped twice in my life.",Stress +28151,"Friends and loved ones (who don't have anxiety) keep telling me to relax and since it's such a busy place it's nothing personal and to not think it worry about it. Which I'm sure is 100% true but not matter how many times it's said anxiety never believes it. I start my next shift in 30 minutes and stating to freak out and have small panic attacks which haven't happened in a while. I've been so good about keeping my anxiety in control and not putting myself in anxious situations, and this job pushed that (being the public eye and fucking up is one my biggest triggers) but the pay and reputation of the company is widely known and it's one of the most wanted jobs in my town. Does anyone have any advice or maybe gone thru something similar and came out on top?",Stress +28141,(I suffer from Major Depression/Anxiety/Fibromyalgia and I wrote this as an example of what I feel on an average day so that people who don't have mental illness can understand) Hollowed out doesn't quite cover the feeling. Because inside this shell are millions of raw nerve endings feeling everything that brushes by. Everything is so raw. Between the mental and physical pain it's incredibly hard to stay grounded.,Stress +27346,"He said he had not felt that way before, suggeted I go rest and so ..TRIGGER AHEAD IF YOUI'RE A HYPOCONDRIAC LIKE ME: i decide to look up ""feelings of doom"" in hopes of maybe getting sucked into some rabbit hole of ludicrous conspiracy, a stupid ""are you psychic"" test or new age b.s., something I could even laugh at down the road. No, I ended up reading that this sense of doom can be indicative of various health ailments; one of which I am prone to.. So on top of my ""doom"" to my gloom..I am now f'n worried about my heart. I do happen to have a physical in 48 hours.",Stress +48820,"Stress pain/hangover? I pulled two 16hr days in a row and have been operating at full capacity the last few weeks and now I can't seem to wake up without feeling dog tired and my body is on pins and needles with intense muscle fatigue. It's Thursday, we still got one more work day and I have some freelance and house chores to get through but I'm moving slow. Likely from barely moving from my desk lately but damn does it suck - looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow to work out all that gross stuck feeling. Any other tips on what to do to reset?",Stress +30095,"Part of me wonders if it's not my mom's fine-tuned manipulation at work, but it's sure as hell eating at me. How do I get out of his harmful headspace? It feels like my emotions and my logic are at war right now. Even after the abuse and trauma I've endured at the hands of my mom I still question the validity of my experience because I know there are people that have it a lot worse. And seeing that video was like watching a train wreck, it made me feel so awful because of its violent nature but it also made me doubt a lot of what I'm still experiencing.",Stress +27681,"She told me she had one more person to interview and that she would get back to me by Monday. I shook her hand and rushed out the store to another place and went to their restroom. I ruined my hair, I popped a little of my collar and unbuttoned some of my dress shirts. I added some water stains and even took advantage of a partially full cup of soda in one of the stalls. I spilled it on the rims of my shirt but not entirely.",Stress +48942,Stressing so much Still stressing a bit about this upcoming thing on Tues. I really can't wait to get this over with but idk what's gonna happen. I know she's full of ish for saying she's been covering for me or whatever cuz that's a damn lie. I can't wait til I can just move and finally be outta here. I really pray I can move one day soon but even with a 2nd job my rent would go up even more than it would still be hard to save. Praying that things change for the better,Stress +29961,I am able to pay back plus interest within a short time frame. If anyone can help me I would seriously appreciate it. I'm extremely stressed out a helping hand would be so amazing. I tried to keep this as short as possible. If you are still reading this thank you for your time.,Stress +28335,"I wanted to plant a new chapter in my new city, but haven't had time to devote to making it happen yet. I feel like I was the only one taking it seriously and it's dying a slow death. My problem is that one of the acquaintances is giving me a lot of power play-type problems. For example, I'll request *four times* in three different mediums we use, to email contributions to an end-of-year favorites list and rather than do that, she put hers on a share drive and told others to do the same in spite of my multiple requests to email me instead for better ease of sharing. Emails are met with snarky responses or half-measures which mean I still have to chase down.",Stress +28377,"I'm not getting any resources from the VA and I'm not getting better. I'm 100%, war time, service connect disabled for PTSD. I've been kicked out of the MHICM Range program because ""I'm not making enough progress”—ie not magically getting better. Im currently doing ACT therapy but it's not helping and the VA here can't offer talk therapy so they referred me to the Vet Center. After about six months there, my therapist told me I was ""too depressed to help.""",Stress +29083,"DO NOT BLAME HIM. PEOPLE WHO ABUSE ARE SOME OF THE MOST MANIPULATIVE AND BELIEVABLE LIARS. That being said; Parent's if you have a child, who is going to EXTREMES to say show their disapproval for a person, LISTEN TO THEM. CHILDREN FUCKING KNOW. And it is YOUR responsibility to ensure THEIR safety and happiness, not satisfy your own at their cost.",Stress +28026,"For example, I'm selling something that's worth £50? You can have it for £10. I hate it, I want to cry. I've had items listed for about 2 weeks, they're all responsibly priced or under and I'm having to accept low ball offers as I have no other choice. I would never let myself in a million years do this if I wasn't homeless but the clock is ticking and I need to move.",Stress +29540,"Unfortunately, money is what me and her don't have now. My friends' help has dried up, and I don't blame them one bit for that. After five months, I've exhausted pretty much all the friends I can. Going into every little thing that has happened could fill a book. Maybe I \*WILL\* write a book about it someday, I don't know.",Stress +29850,"I don't know what to do anymore. She doesn't want help, but I am feeling hopeless with her, and I'm afraid it's going to take a toll on our relationship. I have my own mental health issues that I am actively dealing with and I just wish she could see that her issues are affecting people other than herself. --- **tl;dr**: My mother has unaddressed mental health issues, how do I get her to take it seriously and seek professional help?",Stress +49406,"Super anxious and stressed after starting new job. Will this hurt my body or should I just tough it out for a couple weeks? + +so im 23 and ive pretty much avoided jobs because of pretty bad anxiety. + +I just recently got a decent job pretty much handed to me so I decided to take the opportunity but the anxiety from it is insane. Its not even really job related, its really just me being suuper insecure and shy and worrying about what they'll think of me. + +Im getting heart palps, im sleeping bad, im exhausted, Im getting a bunch of muscle twitches, im super brain fogged... + +I assume this will get better as time goes on and I feel more like acquainted to the people and job but right now its horrible. This wont kill me right?",Stress +27980,"Even though we did break up I don't know if he's taking it seriously and if he just thinks I'll come home and we'll be ok. I'm so tired of being treated like shit by everyone in my life. I'm not strong enough to take care of myself, to fight back, to leave. And I can't work, I can't even answer phone calls because of my anxiety, how am I supposed to survive? My family doesn't understand my mental issues so I can't get help from them with it, they tell me I need to start looking for a job and I can't even say anything.",Stress +28813,"I don't know. I keep overthinking everything and I am worrying about what it would be like to be with him for an extended amount of time. What if it is horrible and we end up hating each other? I fear that I cannot deliver what he wants and deserves emotionally and sexually, and those fears stunt my ability to love him freely. I am wary of the fact I have no control over the outcome of that.",Stress +28167,"I am not even sure what to say. My girlfriend was really, really mad. Not at my family, they're just basing this off what they hear, but at my sister. And honestly, I am really mad too. What the fuck could she be saying about me?",Stress +29376,"Hello. I am a thirty six year old man, and I became aware that the experiences I had, my behavior, and the expression of my feelings, may be BPD nine months ago, when I had my first suicide attempt. I had not read anything about it prior, and had entirely avoided any medical or mental health people. After the suicide attempt, which over nine years, head been preceded by the traumatic end of a highly dysfunctional five year relationship, followed by a severe four year alcohol problem. After getting out of the Psych ward after ten days, which I hadn't been in since an ideation incendent at seventeen, I determined to get help.",Stress +48792,"I am falling apart. I've truly never felt this overwhelmed before. I 19 (F) just started a nursing program and work almost full time. I just moved a few months ago into my first apartment and on top of that got a new car. I ended up leasing because it was my best option but, it is a lot to take on and I had to because my old car was 25 years old and falling apart. I have been sleeping 5 hours a night on average, struggling to work enough to pay my bills, and studying every waking moment of every day every chance that I get. I have a job that is stressful and my manager doesn't respect or appreciate the 4 employees he has and is about to lose them. Does not get that I cannot work 60 hours a week anymore and I cannot teleport from class to work (30 minute away) immediately as class is over. + +It is week 3 and I have lost 15 pounds. Most of the time I don't know where i'm at or what i'm doing. My hair is falling out, i'm nauseous, have no appetite, not sleeping, confused. I generally feel either nothing at all or I am crying and I feel like I and my life is falling apart. Will this get better?",Stress +49002,"High Cortisol Can anyone help me decipher this blood work? + +[https://ibb.co/vQ0XBbg](https://ibb.co/vQ0XBbg) + +Cortisol came back high. + +I don't know if this is just kinda high and I shouldn't worry about it or if this is extremely high? + +I have been under going some major financial changes and having extreme fatigue the last 4 weeks despite getting 8-10 hours of sleep per night. + +Besides stress management is there medication that can be taken to help with high cortisol?",Stress +49049,"Anyone get this stress induced symptom? Every time I get stressed out - the left side of my abdomen starts hurting. Am I the only one here? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/uif3s1)",Stress +28115,I once went to the hospital and needed hand surgery so I messaged her when I found out and said “hey mom I’m in the hospital I’m having surgery tonight thought I would let you know.” She never came to visit and she never even asked what kind of surgery it was. What do I do? I feel like I’m nothing but I burden and I just wanna disappear. I rebelled and did my own thing as a teenager because I was so hurt from what I had been through is it normal for her to hold it against me? She just sees me as the fuck up causing her annoyance.,Stress +49029,"I live at my parents house, I don't have to pay bills, I don't have a job, I don't study, BUT I still feel stressed out and exhausted. Even without a job and responsibilities, I still have so many things that I have to do, or worry about. Why is life so stressful? What can I do about it? I have to work on my health. I have to make doctor appointments. I have to go to therapists. I have to maintain my friendships. I have to figure out which religion I'm going to follow (I believe in God but was grown up atheist, so religion is what I'm figuring out currently). I have to deal with friends that got mad at me, or are about to leave me. I have to deal with my mental issues. I have to fix my laptop and my phone. I have to figure out what career I wanna do in my life. I have to enjoy free time. And alot more things that I didnt think of right now. + +I \*have to\* to so many things, that it drains all my energy and motivation. If I had a job, or was still studying, it would have been MUCH worse for me. Its the reason why I was forced to quit studying earlier this year. + +I worry about so many things, and I have so many things on my to-do list, it is simply more than I can handle. This feels like a 168 hours per week job that never ends. + +And yes, I do take free time to relax. I play videogames, I go outside for walks, and ofcourse I sleep. HOWEVER, I always feel guilty when forcing myself to have free time. ""I have so many things on my to-do list which is growing bigger every day, I should be working hard to prevent my to-do list from getting bigger right now, but I'm wasting my time on entertainment right now"". With this feeling in the back of my mind, I cannot really enjoy free time that I take (which feels like cheating, its like borrowing money because youre in big debt, but here I'm borrowing free time from the future because I'm in big debt) I cannot relax. No matter what I do. Whetner I'm working on my ""have to's"" or trying to relax with free time, I always feel like there is so much that I still have to do, and my motivation is completely 0. + +My life has too many ""have to"" activities, which I cannot all do at the same time, but I always feel guilty about not working as hard as I could. On the other side, I completely have no motivation to work on anything. + +My to-do list grows bigger every day, and it's making me insane.",Stress +49062,"Stressed out Honestly I just need to tell someone like bruh I am so stressed out like sometimes I just want to end it but I usually have my reasons my dog got hit think she is paralyzed from her back legs I took her to the vet but they said I owe like 50$ that I don’t even remember so they didn’t attend her! money struggles only one working, my dad got layed out from work and so my mother isn’t working because her arthritis is getting worse. am the only one making money goes to the bills and rent coming up and I have help out like I always been since I was a kid, 18 now life is hitting me like a bitch. got my two siblings getting work is hard here ngl especially if you looking for good pay we always had this struggle I barley have time to do my own things because I work nights but honestly life is fucking all of us up rn can’t really think what to say now...... Not trying to say That I am like “unhappy” most of the time but like I just think when is this life going to get any better",Stress +49379,Stressed about money I have been doing shit with my decisions with money and now i have barely enough to live with. And no job’s have answered to my applications. And i feel that i have fucked up future completely.,Stress +49230,"Decrease stress by ADDING a hormetic stressor into your life. One of the best ways to decrease how much total stress you experience is by adding good forms of stress (short and moderate) called hormetic stressors. Cold water is a prototypical hormetic stressor. It releases stress hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline but it is short and not extreme. + +We just launched an app that provides guided cold showers to make it easy for you to do them. It is led by a Master Chief Navy SEAL. We teach you a set of mental tools around tactical breathwort, body relaxation, self talk, etc. These tools not only make cold showers easier but they also help you handle stress more generally. + +In fact, the best way to train yourself to handle stress better is to systematically stress yourself and then practice these tools while stressed. If you do that, these tools will become reflexive any time your body generates stress hormones. + +getmental.com + +One side note - the app is geared generally to men.",Stress +48555,how to feel stress free? im not even sure how being stress free will feel but im trying to get to that point bc stress fucks up ur health. does anyone have any tips?,Stress +48619,Regulate your nervous system https://youtu.be/_hpDMqg0Rh8,Stress +48738,"Humming Humming is a good way to relive someone else’s stress, it induces calmness and reduces stress, it enhances sleep as well, it also causes the production of powerful Neurochemicals such as oxytocin, the “love” chemical, this was learnt from a google search that I did because I noticed the person I care about seemed more relaxed when i hummed to him in his sleep",Stress +48901,,Stress +28464,"My bf and I went to his parents place in Iowa over Christmas. Over the years, I have always known that his parents don't absolutely love me but I didn't realize that they actually dislike me until this time I visited them. His dad is a difficult person to begin with, which is well known by everyone and he kept making little jabs at me and insulting me. For example, he asked if I am a citizen and how long I have been one, I mentioned that I have never watched Harry Potter and he ""jokingly"" asked me if I was busy clubbing and talking to boys and doubted my upbringing, and when I was using my bfs phone, he asked me why I am using it and if I am reading his texts. These are just a couple examples and there are many more.",Stress +28256,"There became two sides of me I battled within myself. On one hand, I wanted us to build a life together, to experience that love and the relationship. I did most days. On the other, I wanted to absolve myself. I obsessed with it.",Stress +49201,,Stress +48317,,Stress +30028,"And he said that he had some deep feelings for me. So I suggested meeting at another time without booze. In the morning I had a text from him apologising for being an asshole. I replied and said I didn't think that, but that I was a little overwhelmed. Since then I have not heard much from him, but I can't stop thinking about it.",Stress +29808,"No wonder I get scolded for bad grades, called a lazy, worthless piece of fuck because I am too lazy or too stupid to care about exams and my future, but in reality, I deeply care too much as if I feel like the whole fucking world of 7 billion people, and millions or billions of other organisms are on my shoulders ... and all I can do is to shut down entirely. I shut down by brain, my thoughts, my emotions, everything because I cannot take all the anxiety. All the pressure. All the fear and terror. Sometimes I feel as depressed as if I am a lonely guy in a post-apocalyptic setting where everyone is either dead or absent or gone.",Stress +49128,"Losing hair due to stress Hello, I've been losing a lot of hair due to stress. +The more I lose the more stressed I become. +Are there any products out there to slow this down? +I'm a female if that changes anything +Thanks",Stress +28546,Some monsters are real. I was abused by some as a kid and I was recently reminded that they are still out there. I sometimes manage to find myself in reddit threads with discussions about pedophilia. It bothers me to see people defending pedophila and I often feel the need to respond. I think it seemed a safe way to vent anger at surrogates for my abusers and I think I wanted a chance to say what I never had the chance to say as an abused kid.,Stress +27408,"I know every time I have panic attacks to remind myself it's just in my head, but it sucks when little things just make you feel like shit! Does anyone else get triggered by stupid things like this? ? I'm even just pissed at myself for now feeling mad at my mom, like don't you know not to tell someone with health anxiety that ""they don't look right""?? Ugh!",Stress +29594,"Rarely, I forget about the symptoms. Rarely, they don't bother me, but they still are occurring always. I have seen two different doctors about this. They ruled out a few things and suggested that it was purely anxiety and that I go on an SSRI. I have not gone on an SSRI yet, however I am planning to do so ASAP.",Stress +29391,"I've been trying to avoid social media because I know how anxiety provoking it can be for me. I joined it ultimately because I thought it would make me feel more connected to people. It kind of does, which I'm okay with. But of course, now I'm looking at everyone's highlight reels and friend count (which I'm especially envious of) and I can't help but feel like crap. My social life came to a standstill in my early 20s when I compartmentalized all facets of my life, ensuring the people I knew never intermingled.",Stress +27486,If I hadn’t have grabbed my toddlers head and pressed it against mine and ducked it would have hit us both. I was yelled at so much I could see the veins bulging in his neck as he swore at me and called me names. I held my hands over the children’s ears so they couldn’t hear. But at least he didn’t hit me. I was told repeatedly that I would be stabbed in the throat so he didn’t need to hear my voice.,Stress +29129,"So I don't believe she's telling me the real reason shes pressuring me to have another baby I am going to leave it here, please ask, I made a fake account so I can be honest as possible. Here are my primary concerns though 1) The day care incident with money. I feel like I cant trust her with finances.",Stress +27473,"I'm a senior and I'm starting to go through the college application process and I just feel so overwhelmed. I haven't even finished my college list, started ny essays or supplemental or filed my FAFSA. Not to mention I'm doing EA so I have a sooner deadline. I haven't visited any colleges and me ecs are so bad. God I just want this to be over with.",Stress +29519,"Every day I hope she messages me, calls me, or post on my Facebook. Any advice would mean the world to me. Thank you. --- **tl;dr - can't get over my ex**: How to get over my ex!",Stress +28417,I knew something was up with me. My thoughts were consuming me. Couldn’t sleep. Stressed. Worried about anything and everything.,Stress +48428,Can stress cause weight gain? I’ve noticed I tend to get blubby when I go through long periods of constant stress. There’s no change to my diet or exercise yet I look visibly fatter. Can stress be causing this?,Stress +49286,"Cbc results scared af Freaking tf out about my cbc test + +Hello everyone! I just need advice and yes I know this isn’t a doctors office etc… if anyone ever had abnormal blood work please share. I recently had to get blood work because my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine . When I did the results came back high for EOSINOPHIL. He told me to go back 2 weeks later which was Monday.. well now my white blood cells are low and I’m freaking the hell out . I keep reading shit on google and it’s nothing positive. My EOSINOPHIL is still high . I did have covid a month ago idk if that could do anything or not ? The only thing that changed in the last 2 weeks is I was put on blood pressure medicine for my blood pressure being so high . Please someone tell me I’m just crazy and my anxiety is getting the best of me . It’s so bad I can barely eat or think straight . Here are the results +- [ ] WBC +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 3.3 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 4.5 to 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 4.5 - 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 36 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 50 to 70 % +- [ ] 50 - 70 % +- [ ] EOSINOPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 13 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 0 to 4 % +- [ ] 0 - 4 % +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL # +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 1.20 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 1.70 to 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 1.70 - 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL",Stress +49237,,Stress +29823,"I don't know if it was the campground, or if the probably former friend wanted some revenge. All of the hotels are way out of our price range in our area. We can stay a couple of nights, and our reservation at the campground ends this weekend. I will be asking for a refund of the remaining nights. I'm terrified that our kids will be taken from us for being homeless for less than 6 weeks.",Stress +29768," Hello, I'm a 34 year old Transgender woman trying to survive in Montana of all places. I not only have to fight gender dysphoria but also try to stay strong living in a community in which many openly hate people like me. I am trying to reach my goal of Facial Feminization Surgery, as well as Gender Confirmation Surgery (Bottom surgery) and Breast Augmentation with the first two being my main goals by far. I feel intense pressure to get these things done as soon as possible.",Stress +48468,"""Reduce Worry and Chill Out – The Best Gummies for You"" + +Are you feeling overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety of everyday life? You're not alone. Worry, stress, and anxiety can often come from daily tasks that are out of our control or from a lack of focus on self-care. Thankfully, there is an easy solution: best gummies for stress and anxiety! + +Gummies infused with calming herbs such as chamomile, lavender, and passionflower have been shown to reduce levels of worry and promote relaxation. + +They are also low in calories and free from artificial ingredients making them a great choice if you're looking for an all-natural way to chill out. + +Additionally, gummies can be taken anywhere at any time making them extremely convenient when it comes to managing your mental health on the go.",Stress +48508,"Neighbor gave me a gift should I give back? It feels kind of awkward to be the only one to receive but if I offer something I'm afraid she'll perceive it as me just trying to be quits, which would be true but doesn't feel right",Stress +28387,"I can't remember what was in the marital home when I left. I left under duress. I am still piecing together weird, incongruous chunks of time, flashbacks, disjointed memories, and trying to figure out what happened; it seems like my brain just can't access specific details when I'd like it to. The problem here, other than everything, is that I don't feel like my attorney gets why I'm such a useless participant right now, and I could use some advice on explaining it. Do I have my therapist call my attorney?",Stress +28319,"I was recently diagnosed with PTSD (theoretically CPTSD but that's not an official diagnosis so whatever). It's been 3 years since I escaped my abuser who abused me for 3 years as well. However because I was so young (high school/college), people have disregarded the validity of my abuse- which results in me hiding it from the world. That sucks, but it's not as bad as what it does to me. On top of crippling anxiety about everyday life, I have a terrible fear of commitment that I didn't realize I had until I moved in with my current boyfriend.",Stress +29621,I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone anymore and to myself so the feeling of wanting to die didn't go away. I don't know how to deal with myself or with other people since I feel like I should just get over it and continue with my life but I can't and I'm 22. Am I exaggerating? Am I just so weak that I can't deal with what happened to me that I can't normally continue with my life? I was a good student and a good friend.,Stress +48718,"In 2 days I'm literally moving across the country and I'm losing my mind I'm moving from Cali to Ohio. 2400+ miles and I've JUST enough to rent a car, move my dog and reptile and most of my important things. + +I'm moving in with a friend who's trying to get me out of a really bad living situation. But I've not been able to save anything for this move. I quit my job, all my vacation pay I was given is going to the rental. I'm going to be lucky to have 500 dollars afterwards. Still have bills when I get out to Ohio. + +I'm already struggling mentally, which is why my friends so adamant on getting me out of my situation. So im absolutely going insane right now. I can't breathe. Can barely think. I start to think about getting the rental and I feel like I want to collapse.",Stress +28275,"I'm afraid of losing who I was. I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror and for the first time in a year, I feel like I saw my own reflection. I know the battle isn't won, and I've got a long way to go, but something just snapped tonight. I understand what you're all going through. We're all in it together.",Stress +29517,it wasn't my fault it feels like my fault I feel like the reason That mother shouldn't have had to bury her boy I should have been a better friend,Stress +48677,Relaxing Tropical forest by the lake Ambient - 432Hz [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzVCAwhvlUo&t=207s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzVCAwhvlUo&t=207s),Stress +48745,"Getting stressed over emails and minor mistakes Hi all. + +I’ve just started my first job out of uni in a very high stress field with strict timelines (m&a). I’ve noticed that when I send out emails, I overthink and stress over every little bit (aka am I spelling names correctly, does it make sense) to the point I’m wasting time. When I do send out ‘wrong’ emails (aka it double sent or some wires were crossed) I freak out and get way too much adrenaline - I feel like I’ll puke and I get very warm. I know I won’t lose my job over this but I can’t help but overthink. It’s literally to the point that I’m wondering whether this is the right field for me even though I really do like my job. Are there some techniques I can undertake to manage this? Or will it just take time?",Stress +29289,The welfare office foe my county is too far and i can't get there without transportation to ask for help. I don't have any friends or family that can or are willing to take my cat and I. And i cannot get rid of my cat because he is my ESA and the only thing keeping me sane at this point. What do i do when i feel like i don't have any other options. Even though this is my fault because i'm an idiot.,Stress +29733,"But then I get angry so quickly and I feel terrible because I snapped at someone who didn’t deserve it and I just don’t understand where it comes from. Or I’ll suddenly start thinking about what happened to me and I’ll get really really depressed, again out of nowhere. One minute I’m functioning okay and the next I seem like someone else. I don’t know if this is a symptom of my PTSD or if there’s something else mentally wrong with me that’s being piled on top of the PTSD. I was just recently diagnosed so I guess I’m still trying to figure out what’s the PTSD and what’s just me losing my mind.",Stress +29937,"But what do I know? I keep reassuring myself that this is normal, and never tell anyone about this - I'm surprising one of the top students at a selective high school, but I really want this to end. I'm good at hiding things like this, because I don't want others feeling pity for me for things they didn't cause or can change. --- **tl;dr**: Older brother psychologically and physically abuses me and my younger brother.",Stress +29821,"I have this feeling of dread about school right before I go to bed and I wake up with an upset stomach which lasts all day and nakes me feel like I'll throw up. This causes me to lose appetite and not wanting to drink water for fear of throwing up. I'm not sure where else to go with this, but I need help. If any of you have this, can you tell me how you deal with it? I'm tired of having this every day and feeling like I'll throw up.",Stress +28225,"My boyfriend is currently stationed overseas while I’m still in the states with my four year old and our seven month old. It has been very hard for both of us, but I at least have the kids. I often feel guilty for feeling sad or lonely because he doesn’t have anyone there. No friends (yet), family, and he misses our son terribly. He’s having a really rough time with missing all of the milestones of babies first year and is depressed often... when he’s sad he gets angry.",Stress +49042,"I'M AT THE EDGE i have been having chronic tension type headaches everyday for the past 3 months, literally can't focus on anything. Got the most important exam of my life in 50 days and the stress headaches just don't seem to go away. I've tried a psychiatrist a neurologist what not. Idk what to do, my parents are orthodox and abusive, and this exam in few weeks is the only way I'm going to get out of this house. I AM AT MY LIMIT MAN I GO TO SLEEP ABD WAKE UP WITH A HEADACHE EVERYDAY IT'S KILLING ME",Stress +49004,"Help for my husband My husband is so stressed out at work. I am trying to get him into therapy because it’s taking a toll on his body. He is so stressed out and will go up to 48 hours without sleep sometimes. I am trying to get him into therapy. I am scared a doctor is just going to give him a sleeping pill because he will tell them “I can’t sleep because I get stressed”. But the truth is he can’t sleep because he takes way over his prescribed amount of adderol to work, then can’t sleep so he takes Benadryl and drinks a bottle of wine, then still can’t sleep so says fuck it and takes more adderol and a Red Bull to just keep working. It’s a vicious cycle. He won’t admit he had a problem with substance abuse. He’s told his doctor in the past he couldn’t sleep and they just prescribe more pills. Thankfully he stopped taking those a few years ago. I worry if he finally goes to therapy they will just prescribe him more. He won’t be fully honest with the actual issue on hand. Which is substance abuse and needing a healthy way to cope with stress and manage his time. And by the way, this is not new with this job. We met back in college and he would have spells of times during finals for example he would do this",Stress +28983,"The prospect of this has me utterly overwhelmed right now though. I apologize for the erratic train of thought in this post; I'm honestly at my wits end and thought it would be worth reaching out on this sub. Even if you can't help me financially, any sort of aid would be helpful. I'm going to be on my own for the first time, so any household supplies you might even have laying around that you could donate would probably be helpful. Even advice or resources would be great right now.",Stress +28359,"People say ""follow your gut"" but I don't even know if I have a gut feeling on this anymore because I have obfuscated it so much and overthought it to exhaustion. People have told me this is really no big deal in the long run but it feels absolutely monumental to me and will be something affecting me the rest of my life. Can any of you relate? How do you make really tough, lifelong decisions like these if you have anxiety? Thank you.",Stress +48897,What is Cortisol - Stress & Cortisol [https://antiinflammatoryfoods.org/2022/07/25/cortisol-and-stress-what-is-cortisol/](https://antiinflammatoryfoods.org/2022/07/25/cortisol-and-stress-what-is-cortisol/),Stress +48362,"How To Handle Stress & Its Effects On The Body Stress is a normal part of life and it’s important to find ways to manage it. We hope you have found this article helpful in providing some strategies for handling stress more effectively. Whether it be through mindfulness, physical activity, or simply setting time aside each day to relax, there are many ways we can practice self-care in order to handle our stress better. Try out different techniques and see what works best for you! + +[https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/](https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/)",Stress +27873,"already a few months in. Any advice on if/how this can improve or if I should just cut my loses before I get too invested? Thanks everyone! TL;DR boyfriend currently has no motivation to move his life or our relationship forward, should I stick around and keep trying or accept incompatibilities? Am I asking for too much?",Stress +48413,"Stress Management Stress is an inevitable part of life. It can be caused by a variety of factors, such as work pressures, finances, relationships, and more. But learning how to manage stress effectively is essential for our well-being. In this article, we’ll explore the key elements of effective stress management so that you can start living a healthy and balanced life. + +[https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/](https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/)",Stress +29439,"I can't begin to summarise how I feel about her. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but I want to help work through this stuff together. Once she goes into an anxiety spiral I'm completely at a loss of what to do apart from hold her and stroke her hair. What strategies can help break the spiral when she starts one, and how can I approach the topic of seeing a counsellor and developing mindfulness strategies without her going into a panic attack? Help me /r/anxiety, you're my only hope.",Stress +29006,"I'm just overwhelmed, really don't want to give up on myself but my spirit has been broken more than once and I can't ever seem to get to the m ight at the end of the tunnel. If anything, thanks for reading, hopefully in the near future I can update this with some good news. If not I wish anyone in a similar situation that sees this the best of luck. Sometimes you get dealt a hand you literally cannot play. I am living proof.",Stress +28491,"I am alone, and I don't know what to do. At this time I'm most interested in any 'quick tips' that can be offered on how to manage feelings of violation, betrayal, humiliation, distress, anger at the abuser and all those who stood by, ignoring the damage she was inflicting, anger at those who have protected her at the expense of her victims, anger at my family for their mistreatment, and how they effectively set me up for future abuse. Dissociative symptoms are a significant problem at this time. Focusing on a movie, tv show, video game, book, even a short song can be impossible at times. The interest in 'quick tips' on how to manage those overwhelming emotions is an attempt to make it feasible to read a fre books I'm hoping might help (Pete walker's CPTSD and James Chu's Rebuilding shattered lives, MacKenzie's Psychopath free).",Stress +27453,My chest has a different feeling. Before it would feel on fire and chaotic. Now it feels just wrong. Like I am in medical danger. I am a 26 year old woman.,Stress +29434,"I went to hang with friends for a movie night and it was wonderful. But damn, I felt really inferior. My friends are branching off and doing amazing things, and I feel I’m in the corner just trying to make it through the day, constantly dealing with chronic pain, low immunity, and PTSD. I’ve been doing a lot of therapy work around traumas I have experienced as a child, and that’s been good but also really hard. I’m just having a rough time tonight.",Stress +49074,"Am I having a nervous breakdown? I am not sure, we had some bad news recently, my partner tried for a job but they made him work hours they didn't promise in the interview, shifts on only 5 hours sleep, no training they promised...so now we can't move there and afford a house. + +The last three days all I heard was mistake after mistake I made, then yesterday I was told of a mistake and I'm going too slow. I think that broke me, I ran to the bathroom, was holding tears till work was over and got a Lyft home and cried. All day and night I couldn't do anything I enjoyed and thinking of the world made me run to the bathroom to throw up but nothing came out. Couldn't sleep till 11 , somehow to relieve my stress I was punching. + +Blowing my nose I think my sinuses are aggravated as there was blood... + +I called in sick today to see a doctor but just don't have the energy to move anymore...",Stress +48756,"Tips to make you happier Hi guys, just want to leave here my wife's new video on some things that help her to be happy and might help you to be too. +So please always be kind and I hope it helps you to find new things to do or give you your own new ideas to do things that gets you there. +We were fighting depression and anxiety so it was a way to fight that so there's the reason for the video creation, and we hope you enjoy as we enjoy making it. + +[Tips to make you happier](https://youtu.be/nLIULXZ12pA)",Stress +28740,"After burning out, I fumbled through a tough, 8-year commitment in the United States Marine Corps. I then went back to college and obtained an Associates Degree with a 4.0 GPA, before burning out just shy of a Bachelors. Following that, by leveraging my limited IT experience from the Marine Corps, I landed a job averaging $110k annually with a Fortune 500 company. Along the way I got married, and my wife and I now have four, brilliant children. Three years since burning up (again) and walking away from the $110k job, life continues to go completely down hill.",Stress +48397,"just realised my sickness is stress related I can barely move from the nausea, my whole body is heavy and my head feels musty, it feels like the flu I can barely stand up for 10 minutes without feeling violently ill. The thing is, I need to pack to move out today and I've got about half of it to go. I just want to sleep and run away from it all but I can't. I'm exhausted, I've had to clean out all my moms stuff and decide on a place within a month (she died recently and I'm 18). The pressure from everyone to sell the house fast is killing me. + +It's not logical, or not practical. Well it's not what everyone else expects of me anyway. So I need some help in managing this sickness so I can get stuff done.",Stress +28004,"Me and my Dad aren't on speaking terms, however we do live in the same house. Mainly because I'm not financially able to leave and live on my own. I do plan on leaving, but until I make enough money to do so I'm stuck here. I want to share what has led to this point, because to be honest I feel like I'm pathetic, weak in incapable of accomplishing anything. Everything I do to move forwards seems to be halted and I feel like I'm being pushed back.",Stress +29150,"There are also things he doesn't like. He doesn't like when my mom go out to go gamble with his money. He works his ass off everyday, gives her money to pay bills, and she constantly goes gambling with her friend. Yes I do know that my mom is wrong for that, but me and my siblings can't say or do anything as she is our mother. So they argue about these these things constantly every single day.",Stress +48481,"Being a single parent, working, and going to school is killing me I love my son. He is my rock, my world and the reason I am pushing myself. But, it’s reached a point where I am breaking. I hardly eat because I don’t have time to cook and prepared foods are expensive and unhealthy. I’m buried in school work already, I have to work to earn a paycheck and my son has needs too. I had been having awful migraines last semester and now they are back and this time I am nauseous too. I was dry heaving for 20 minutes. Right now my head hurts so bad that I am seeing flashing lights and feeling dizzy. I tried eating a banana and some crackers and drank some coffee, but it hasn’t lessened. I don’t know what to do. I am out of PTO due to covid and can lose my job for calling out, which I don’t wanna do because I have so much on my plate already.",Stress +48664,"I need to talk. Hey I'm almost 18. There's a lot in my plate right now. There's so much in my head too. College, USA, Career, goals, my limits, my scores, expectations, deadlines, procrastination, ngl heartbreak, weak bond with family members, etc. +I really need to vent it. +Anyone down to call maybe on snapchat ???",Stress +49215,"I'm in a toxic relationship! It pains me to admit it but I am in a toxic relationship. A relationship with no trust and confidence, no God, constant bickering, and growing violence. We both bring out the worst in each other. What should I do? We have plans tho, and we're working on them. We're just too proud and too dominant against one another. + +I just hate this situation we're in.",Stress +27401,"She was already against smoking weed after college at first but now she seems to have moved to a stance where she's okay with me smoking weed as long as she's there when it happens, as in I could smoke with just her or when we're both hanging out with the same friends. I've tried asking her about it and genuinely understanding why she feels this way about it but she can't seem to describe it rationally, saying that it's a gut feeling that she gets that legitimately bothers her and gives her anxiety. She seemed very distressed talking about it and was almost at the poiint of tears saying that she wishes she knew why it bothers her so much but it does and she can't help it no matter how much she thinks about it or how much I try to explain it to her. I don't know how to explain this to her. I don't want to give up the option of smoking weed with friends but I don't want to break up with her over something like this because I love her.",Stress +29985,"Stop! "", not being aware of what happens around her anymore. Apparently she also dissociates during this time and she doesn't remember anything afterwards. It breaks my heart to see this but it also kind of scares me. It's difficult to watch.",Stress +48761,"Puss on throat from stress / anxiety..anyone else experience this? Puss on throat from stress / anxiety?? Anyone else?? + +Every so often when I’m stressing a lot I get a sore throat and puss growing. It’s not strep. +Just wondering if this happens to anyone else?? + +It’s really gross but sometimes I can stop it from happening if I feel a sore throat coming i calm myself down. + +It just happened again for the first time in a few years. + +It’s usually followed by a fever like full on sick.",Stress +49027,"What do you struggle with the most when stressed? Often when I am stressed, it seems to have come out of nowhere. I usually don’t see it coming beforehand which makes it difficult to anticipate. When I look back I might be able to find the signs but it is still hard to identify clear ones. + +I decided to do a design project about it and I realized that you guys can help me gain a deeper understanding based on your experiences. + +* What do you have the most difficulty with when you are stressed? +* What has helped you the most with managing your stress? + +It would be super helpful to hear about your insights!",Stress +27372,"I really don’t know what to do about this, and I’m wondering if I’m even able to get over this fear. A traumatic experience compounded it in me as a kid, and I’ve been experiencing it for so long that it feels like second nature. It’s lkkely so ingrained with me that therapy won’t do much good. I need some help. If anyone can offer some, feel free.",Stress +28541,"Or is that unnecessary? Also is there another way? I really don't want to talk about what happened. But, I really want the nightmares to go away. Sorry if this sounds weird, I am really really fucking tired...",Stress +49383,"Being a perfectionist I dislike the word perfectionist, I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but it’s what I’m called a lot. + +I feel the need to do everything to the highest level. I start working on university essays weeks in advance and don’t submit them until the last minute and I still feel like I could of done better. I rewrite sentences multiple times because they don’t sound quite right. An essay that could take someone 3 hours takes me triple that. + +It’s the same at my job, if a customer interaction doesn’t go as well as I wanted it to it’s in the back of my head for days after. + +My whole life is dictated by this need. I don’t know how to let go of it, I want to be at peace.",Stress +48510,"Looking for different ways to cope with stress? I’ve been scrolling this subreddit looking for ways to deal with stress. I’m a 22 year old college student. This past year I have completely shut myself out from the world (not literally), but mentally. + +My mother was incarcerated recently. Her and her husband kicked my 18 year-old brother out (still don’t know why). My dad and I have a rocky relationship. With all of that, I’m a full-time student and looking for another job. With that being said, those events have taken a toll on me mentally. I feel so drained and emotionally overwhelmed. It’s started taking a toll on me physically. I don’t eat that often, have stopped exercise, barely leave the house, and quit my job. I don’t even remember the last time I got a good night rest (sleep without tossing and turning every hour). It’s been months. I feel so terrible. You can just look at me and tell i’m not myself. + +What can I do to help manage my stress levels? I’m about to go back to therapy in a few weeks. I don’t know where to start aside from that. Any tips would be extremely helpful.",Stress +48866,"The ""hustle culture"" is pretty toxic... I thought I need to ""hustle my way to success"" but what I learned next changed my life forever… + +The ""hustle culture"" is pretty toxic... + +I was being told that working 10-12 hours a day, constantly chasing after the next task, and being totally drained afterwards, not even able to enjoy a dinner with my family is the way to success... + +And believe me, I've done that for way too long. + +After quitting my 9-5 job and deciding to start my first coaching business, I basically switched from working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. + +""Finally quit the rat race!"", huh? + +Quite frankly, it felt like less pressure than doing the typical 9-5 at the beginning because I was really excited to work on my dream. + +As the months passed, I was getting deeper and deeper into the grind. + +It got to a point where I would wake up at 9:00 am, already thinking about work, then work through the whole day, and still be replying to my clients' messages at 1:30 am, lying in bed with my girlfriend. + +My mind was constantly there - at work. + +At the dinner table, during a walk with my partner, even when skiing on vacation that I rarely took back then... + +I was constantly experiencing this weird sense of guilt when I wasn't productive, and even though my business was growing, so was my anxiety, stress, and lack of satisfaction with life. + +It eventually led to me getting sick so badly, that it was a struggle to even reply to a client's message. + +I was stressed out of my mind. + +It felt like everything is going to collapse on me if I keep going down that route. + +Finally, I decided to take a real break. + +I took a full 7 days off and decided to delete all the apps like Slack, Messenger and Gmail from my phone, which sounded absolutely crazy to me back then. + +But man, it felt liberating. + +Something clicked inside me, and finally, I was able to let go of all the pressure and stress that were haunting me. + +For the first time in months, I experienced this deep sense of relief and inner peace. + +By stepping out of this craziness, I was able to notice how toxic and unhealthy it was. + +How having healthy boundaries and balance in your life is key to actually enjoying what you're doing and what you're working so hard for. + +Now, I truly believe that me getting crazy sick back then was one of the best things that could have happened to me. + +It led to me finally re owning the enjoyment of my everyday life. + +Plus, my business started rapidly growing as a result of me allocating my time more effectively and creating more value in less time. + +It made me realize that much of ""the hustle"" I was doing was just me spinning my wheels on things that weren't really making the boat go faster. + +Now, I know for sure that the best way to achieve better results is to master both the work and the relaxation. + +To plan the life in such a way, that your wealth, health, and relationships are in perfect balance. + +Please don’t waste your life thinking that there’s some pride in being over-stressed, overworked, and overwhelmed.",Stress +48487,"how to deal with previous stressed situations? I have been down with stress since mid November, and I have started up working again part-time from mid-December. I now have to travel (by plane) for work, which previously triggered my stress, because of all the people, noise and business of the airport and transportation. It took me a week to get over all the stimuli of the last travel day. I now have to travel in late February, and my mind can't stop thinking about it, and I am afraid that I will use another week to get over it again. So how do l deal with a previous trigger? Travelling is part of my job, and I want to overcome the fear",Stress +48374,"Stress and dizziness Had anybody else experienced dizziness or being light-headed when you're stressed or anxious? + +Occasionally over the past few weeks I've experienced it, currently going through a house move and dealing with my new promotion as a manager at work so I do feel as though I've had prolonged stress at the moment. + +Thanks.",Stress +29433,"Three months of this and talking with the one friend whom I could call for free between 9pm and 6AM due to AT&T's GoPhone policies whenever I could get away with it, or texting on a Nokia Tracphone (the ancient indestructible brick phone), and my sister lashing out at me about being ungrateful that they allowed me to come over and use the internet, triggered by my snapping back due to, something, I can't remember, and I just, stopped asking. Ended up losing contact with everyone but the one friend I could talk to maybe, once or twice a week for a couple hours. She'd try to keep me apprised of stuff going on with folks, and those phonecalls ended up bring the spark that bloomed into us being a couple, but... It wasn't enough. The same negativity, the same feelings of selfhatred, of self-disgust, of ***believing*** everything my father had dumped on me slowly took over.",Stress +27647,"I'm taking care of her but I have no idea what to do with myself. **TL;DR: My wife told her co-worker that she and I were in an open relationship and started hooking up with him. She said it's because I have too high a libido, because our relationship lost it's newness, and because I don't do a fair share of housework. I'm not sure if we can work it out or if I should just leave. **",Stress +29611,"And they all make it sound like I will have infinity free time and money to go exploring all over where I'm going, like I'm going on a damn vacation. I'll still be spending all my free time job hunting. If they want me to come right back to a shithole that doesn't want to hire me because I'm supposedly overqualified just by existing (I keep getting rejections telling me I'm overqualified except for the one that asked me to fill out yet another application despite me handing them one two weeks ago), maybe they can pay my way and then they can pay for all the months that I don't have income. I have come back here too many times already to nothing, and they seem to think I'm just hanging around having fun living in my car. Unbelievable.",Stress +49050,"I’m overwhelmed and exhausted I (16) have been so stressed and exhausted for the past few weeks and now it’s all crashing down on me. My last exams of the spring are starting in two weeks and I aim towards good grades but I’m so tired that I can’t concentrate on studying, which stresses me out even more. + +I constantly feel left out and belittled at school. I have two friends that I hang out with but whenever we’re all together I’m pretty much thirdwheeling them. + +Home doesn’t feel that good either. My parents fight over small things almost daily, my sister is always at work or at school so I never see her and my brother doesn’t talk to any of us without getting angry. I feel like everything is falling apart around me.",Stress +27722,"Extra: Apparently he was jailed before marrying my mom and he never told us until she found out later into the marriage. There's more into the story but I would like to know if I can file a charge on him for past incidents as well.... and I am upset that he is going to be charged for misdeamenor instead of felony. Since the victim (my mom) has enough evidences, it will be hard for him to drop the charges right? He has been avoiding the police so it took a while for the police to catch him but he paid for the bail and bailed himself out with a help of his friend. I just wished he would recieve a felony but he pleaded not guilty on the first court appearance and apparently there are more court appearances to be made befoe verdict is finalized....",Stress +29710,"I can’t stop sweating, the second I cough up phlegm there is immediately more and I’m like gagging on it, my nose is stuffed and I have to actively try to breathe, I feel so uncomfortable, I’m losing my mind. I’ve hit my breaking point and I’m just sobbing uncontrollably. I’m stressing because I’ve already had to use sick time at work this year and it’s only the first week, the house is covered in all of my sick germs and I don’t have the strength to disinfect it, the laundry is piling up and the house is messy. I probably sound like an absolute baby right now but I can’t do multiple days of being incapacitated. I feel like shit and can’t do anything I need to get done.",Stress +49120,"I copied down a problem wrong on a math test and got a completely different answer. Now I’m stressing I had my first Calculus test today and due to feeling nervous, I accidentally copied a problem wrong which changed my answer completely. I did the steps right and I know for a fact that I could’ve gotten the right answer if I hadn’t misread the problem. That one problem was 15 points total and I’m scared I’ll lose 15 points just because the answer is different. I studied for 4 days straight prior to the test so I felt confident with my knowledge. I’m just so pissed at myself because I was really looking forward to a good grade in this class. I’m also stressed because I’m really trying to maintain my straight A’s so I can transfer to my dream university but it looks like my chances are dismal now :/",Stress +28116,"I'm trying to figure out what I learned that is good from it. but all I can think of is that I learned no one can be trusted including myself, people are inconsistent and unstable, people don't know themselves, if love exists then it doesn't mean much, and even if you truly believe that someone else cares about you and wants you in their life to the point where you finally don't question it, they can cut you off and start treating you like you're worthless without a moment's notice. the more I process what happened the more I realize there is truly no hope for me finding the kind of relationship I hope for, and there is really nothing else worth living for besides that. so, fun stuff. right?",Stress +27600,"We need a motel. We need advice. My grandson will end up leaving preschool, because we don't have a car and won't know where to have his bus pick him up if we do a shelter. He also has a standing dentist appointment every Monday this month. I hate that he has to go through this and not have a home to recover in.",Stress +27378,I am really feeling like there are no good men. They are all just horrible to women. I think I would rather be alone than deal with any man again. Has anyone else felt like this? Did your feelings ever change?,Stress +27732,Because i feel like nothing i do isn't even worthy of being considered a success. Because the carpet is cover in pee from animals and reminds me of my mothers house. How i used to go to school every morning covered in cat and dog urine. Every little bit of confrontation feels like world war 3 in my head. Every little feels like it gets put on me as blame and i cant deal.,Stress +48464,"[Question] Burned out but boss loves my ability and will continue to incentivize if I do more TLDR : 3 questions at end regarding how to not care to disappoint when team and boss have seen my abilities. Boss has high aspirations for me this year or which if I fulfill I’m going to stretch myself so thin that I will leave or go into depression. + + +I was given a rather good yearly review, and well incentivized, but I am currently stressed, and trying to figure out how to have less responsibilities, when it’s desired I have more. This is above and beyond the rest of my team. + +Boss sees my “potential” and not only wants it to continue, but also have me lead more, be more of a driver and influencer, and upgrade my knowledge, cross-team visibility. All of which I do not want. Taking on any more work feels like I’m going to “pop” and I’m already near / at burnout. + +I hate disappointing and failing (why I try harder than others on my team; and also why I’m hate being in this position I am right now) but I’m at my max currently near / in burnout, thinking or ways to get out. My mindset is that I’d rather quit a 6fig job and go elsewhere / take a break than disappoint and fail someone whom believes in me so wholeheartedly, and knows how fast I can operate. + +Sadly I’ve “shown my hand” this past year of what I’m capable of, but it’s unsustainable for my stress levels, needed downtime, and resetting ability. And more is desired. I’ve mentioned already to the boss that I’m burning the candle at both ends, but it’s only been sprinkled throughout the year. I also hate that I would them regret providing a large optional incentivized reward. Additionally if I fail it’s most likely no more of that and I would just be considered “middle of the road”. I’m OK with that if someone didn’t know my abilities, but again I have pushed past 120% capacity many times for tight deadlines and to get things done. + +- How do I change my mindset to not care about disappointing +- What, if anything, do I tell boss? I feel I need to drop hints that this is too much and if I’m dead it does no one good. ( absolutely sucks feeling capable but also having a hapicapied weakness of stress leading to depression.) +- What would you do if you were me with these concerns, and yet burned out?",Stress +29261,"So I have been suffering from chronic anxiety for eight years.The kind where you feel some enemy is breathing down on your neck always.I don't want to get into the details of this matter because it's is very personal. But from the beginning of this anxiety my breathing got messed up. Like I was alternating my breathing between hyperventilation and shallow breathing through out the day for all these years. During these last five years I have suffered bone TB, now stomach gastritis for three years,also found out I have recurring kidney stones in my left kidney.Before all this begun I was relatively healthy without any complicated disease like bone tb or stomach gastritis. So it seems to me this long chronic anxiety and the resulting hyperventilation and shallow breathing and high blood pressure did make my immune system rather weak or damaged.",Stress +28575,"I think it was last year, we could hear the little girl crying out so loud inside their home, we called the cops. This is just a rumor, but our next-door neighbors say that the house is actually under police watch, and that they're drug dealers. The dad is some heavily obese man who should probably invest in larger shirts, and he doesn't leave the home. There are always cars coming and going from the house, sometimes the same cars, other times cars we've never seen before. Ya know, to buy drugs and shit.",Stress +29913,I thought I did well but I was severely depressed. That weekend was my birthday weekend and he made it miserable. He said I was a brat to ever think that it was a special day. I received the silent treatment from him and him being drunk and telling me that i'm worthless and don't do anything for him. I didn't even get a gift or affection.,Stress +49192,"Neck Tension Hi all. I've been dealing with neck/shoulder tension for years. I am a software developer with likely bad posture - for over 10 years. Lately I'm quite stressed as well. All in all I'm in a constant state of neck/shoulder tension. + +&#x200B; + +I've tried so many things but nothing ""releases"" it. I have one of those shoulder massagers from Amazon - it actually feels quite good especially when it rolls up my neck - but I feel like I can do it **forever** and there is just infinite tension there - shouldn't it ""stop"" at some point? I've seen some threads on here but looking to make my own I guess. + +&#x200B; + +Things I tried: + +* PT +* Chiro +* Neck/Shoulder Massager +* Stretches +* Heat pads (these actually help a little but I don't think I should be walking around every day with heat pads..maybe I can?) +* Magnesium Oil +* Like 6 different pillows - none of them result in me waking up without a stiff neck. Down pillows, thin, thick, memory foam, nothing! +* Foam roller +* Theracane/tennis balls + +Has anyone found anything that actually works, and fast?",Stress +28071,"yesterday, I almost had sex with someone. but when it was happening, I felt only halfway there. and now my memory of it is hazy, and when I try to think about it I don't see it from my perspective, I see it from like above me. like it wasn't *actually*happening to me. I genuinely enjoy having sex, but I would like to know ways to lessen my trauma symptoms and stay present during it.",Stress +29040,"I'm aware I have problems when it comes to dating, I get jealous, paranoid and suspicious very easily. I hate it about myself and hide it from my boyfriend very well. Take for example my bf, we have each other on snapchat, we maybe send one or two to each other a day it's not like a thing we do but it could be, I tried to send him more but it wasn't reciprocated. Yet I always see his snapchat score go up by like 30 or more at a time (I know I shouldn't snoop it just feeds my problems but I can't help it). Anyway I just get jealous that he snaps loads to other people but not me, I don't know who.. it could be another girl.. he never sends a face pic to me but is he to others and if so why not me?",Stress +29437,Nothing He kicked the door 18-36-30 He kicked it again and until he was sure his foot would bruise Calm down,Stress +48956,Let me wash away your stress! https://youtube.com/shorts/RMc_nLqk8rU?feature=share,Stress +28366,"I didn't even realize I was doing it until I felt the coldness on the skin of my temple. I thought I would feel fear but all I felt was relief and how easy it would have been to end my overthinking, torturing anxiety brain. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression officially at 12. I have severe insomnia and crippling anxiety constantly which leaves me to overwhelming dark depression. I think about everything I've said and done and it feels like fight of flight all the time.",Stress +48576,I found the solution to your stress at last! https://youtu.be/xbT9fyTc4Io,Stress +29474,"1. My father would abuse me consistently both mentally and physically from i think 4 to 14, maybe earlier. I don't really remember what all brought this on, but often it was school related. I remember being in a car seat, my mother didn't know what to do so she took me to him (my parents are apart), and i tried to run because i knew what was going to happen, and i remember crying so hard i hyperventilated, my mom promised never to do that again. He'd do it because of grades, because i misbehaved.",Stress +28099,"With all of this garbage happening to me, I find it hard to keep my chin up and to not be negative. By anticipating the worst and vocalizing it, I feel as though I have a better chance of avoiding the worst, because I'm still suffering (making myself unlikable or making a fool of myself). Additionally, if the situation turns out better than expected, I will be pleasantly surprised, and not let down when something goes wrong. Because of this, my relationship with my family is horrible as well. I don't want to lose one of my few friends over this, but I have no idea how to change or if such a thing is even possible.",Stress +49233,"How to manage stress while doing a speech? Tomorrow I’m doing a speech in front of 300 people. It’s my first time talking in front so many people and I’m really nervous. I’m basically a shy person so it doesn’t help. +Do you have any tips for managing stress in that situation?",Stress +28572,"But now, I can't. I literally have ONE therapist I can see. And ONE psychiatrist (who is actually a nurse practitioner). I have completely given up on getting the correct mental health treatment. I am doing the best I can.",Stress +49235,"What are some techniques you use to lower your stress but still maintain focus on your work and goals? Lately everything has just been super stressful. I find myself thinking about the stress itself instead of the work. I love what I do, but i want to learn how to keep a healthy amount of stress for a better quality of life. + + +- thank you",Stress +28717,He denied it and ever since then I think everyone is out to get me and that nothing ever happened and I'm just insane. I always doubt myself and it's hard to hang out with anyone because I think they all have some agenda toward me. I know logically nothing happened but when I get home I have to always check my body for bruises or anything suspicious. Then I feel shameful and want to self harm/die when I realize I'm accusing someone innocent of something so terrible and then my mind tells me nothing ever happened and I'm just nuts. It doesn't help that my family doesn't understand me and minimalizes all of my problems.,Stress +28087," I just stop doing productive things, talking to people, remembering appointments, etc. I am unemployed and almost broke but looking for work is causing me to feel like I can't swallow or get a full breath. I find that I have played video games all day, surfed Reddit or this morning I read reviews on a book that is coming out for almost 2 hours. I am not on meds though I am trying Gaba since I had some anyway. To make it even more fun, my sister is mad at me because I am ""chronically self centered"" because I forgot to get back to her about possibly getting together for dinner, because I am shut down.",Stress +29111,"Yo, straight up. I am so goddamn sick of it. Yeah, its fine, I will wake tomorrow and do the work moving forward, but life is honestly the most pointless bullshit ever. Tomorrow my social worker comes. I just got rejected for a program I was kind of counting on.",Stress +48906,Singing at a funeral and they have given me a different song the day of I was given the chance to sing at a funereal and I was honored to sing. However they have changed the song last minute and I’m stressing over this extremely. Not singing isn’t an option; as it would disappoint so many. I’m trying to get the song down; however it’s getting to me. Any advice?,Stress +27591,"I have therapy sessions scheduled but at the moment, I'm currently looking for some advice and insights. The only time I feel 'comfortable in my own skin' is when I'm drunk and or stoned. I, in the past have been ridiculed for an effeminate walk, been erroneously suspected of being gay and I have an effate look. Perhaps this facial look is a projection of my despair and a subconscious psychosomatic cry for help. I'm in my late twenties and have yet to accomplish anything of significance.",Stress +29556,"I feel like I've taken a giant step back. I'll address this in my next counseling session, but does anyone know if this sort of reaction is common during a recovery process? TL/DR: Abusive relationship led to a violated protection order. The subsequent criminal trial has made me question my emotional stability, and memories. Are the symptoms of CPTSD causing me to fail in my interactions on a day to day basis, or has there simply been a bizarre miscommunication?",Stress +48451,Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide [Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide](https://www.motherofgrom.com/post/make-your-own-stress-balls-how-to-guide),Stress +29505,"It's sick and twisted. I've been getting nauseas and I've been having more dissociative flashbacks. My nightmares are coming back, but they're mostly of his parents. I'm afraid to see them, although my dreams are usually them telling me they understand. That they're not mad at me for going to the police.",Stress +49357,"These are my Energy Gainers I always wish to surround myself with people who spread positivity in their talks and actions. It is such an overwhelming experience to be around them that loads me up with a whole energy. + +When we are faced with tough situations in life, communicating with optimistic people paves the way to eliminate negative thoughts and substantially boosts our conf..... [Continue Reading ](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/22/what-are-your-energy-givers-here-is-the-list-of-mine/)",Stress +48798,"Anti-stress device research Hello all, + +we are a group of university students who are in the process of creating a functional prototype for patients with heart disease and/or anxiety disorders, as well as for people who lead a stressful lifestyle. + +It is a relatively small wearable device placed on your chest that allows you to start a vibration in the chest area in the event of a panic attack to calm the heart, thereby helping you to more easily achieve cardiac coherence, which is proven to calm the organism. + +We would like to ask you to fill out this questionnaire: [https://forms.gle/xeWQ86D3BxXxtYMs8](https://forms.gle/xeWQ86D3BxXxtYMs8) + +Thank you a lot",Stress +48917,"Making decisions makes me extremely anxious and stressed Basically, what the title says... I (28F) get extremely anxious, restless and stressed whenever I have to make any type of decision. Lately, I've had to make a lot of decisions about buying furniture, and I've been thinking about the color palet for more than a year, I've downloaded more that 4000 photos of rooms that I like, of furniture that I like, but I always end up second guessing my choices... I want the best of both worlds and I know I can't have it all at once. I want a dark moody room but at the same time I want a light and airy room. Can anyone understand me?",Stress +29149,"We have maids coming to do the scrubbing. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I stop at the end of a task? Idk what happens, but it's like I'm ""in the zone"" or something. My brain goes to autopilot and I find myself freaking out over the small things and losing focus on what I really need to do. Help!",Stress +49150,"Stress from just existing?? I don’t feel like theres anything in particular that is causing my stress. Its just having to be alive. I hate waking up in the morning. +I swear its causing me health problems at this point. Im out of high school and I’ve never had trouble with school but its still happening. I think i live a fairly stress free life but im just stressed from being alive?? +Ive tried so many coping mechanisms and none of them seem to work unless im completely distracted and mindless but the second that stops it comes back. +Its gotten to the point where i wake up shaking from stress. Ive tried medications as well and one of them have worked. I always seem to get the side affects but never what im taking it for. Im tired of this shit.",Stress +29645,"I am already accountable to my family, boyfriend, pets, co workers, etc and now I have to be accountable to these ppl I couldn’t give two shits about and they are counting on me and I hate the pressure so much. I’m doing that awful thing where you just avoid avoid avoid. Had to get this off my chest. I feel like I’m going to vomit and I have gurgles/butterflies in my belly and I’ve had the anxiety runs all morning. UGH.",Stress +49073,,Stress +48970,"Why does nobody talk about “high-functioning” stress? I’m the type of person who is constantly under stress but doesn’t realize it until I develop a nonstop eye twitch, my menstrual cycle is erratic, get a cold out of nowhere, migraines, etc. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and he’s acknowledged that it’s definitely a thing- some people are just so used to being stressed that they don’t notice a difference when they’re in a more high-stress situation until their body breaks down. + +The problem with high-functioning stress is that not only are people not aware that they’re stressed, but they don’t know how to handle it before their body sh*ts the bed. Ex: I feel fine (when I’m not) until a trigger happens and I’m left with an eye twitch and a random cold- which is THEN when I’m like “oh, I’m super stressed”, despite having been in a high-stress environment for a few weeks already and feeling the same. + +Does anyone else relate? I know I could try meditating or mediating my underlying stress but it feels useless when you don’t feel stressed in that moment (and have a million other important things to focus on- ironic).",Stress +48588,"Currently Enrolling Research Studies for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and/or Panic Disorder “Optimizing Exercise for the Treatment of Anxiety” + +The purpose of this study is to learn about the effects of different exercise regimens on anxiety and exercise engagement and adherence. If you are eligible for this study, you will complete a 2-month exercise intervention and 2 follow-up assessments (total duration 5-6 months). The exercise intervention will either include low intensity exercise only or a titration program in which you will start at low intensity exercise and work your way up to high intensity exercise. We also provide treatment referrals. + +**Key Eligibility Criteria:** + +* Adults ages 18 – 65 who have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and/or panic disorder +* Currently sedentary + +\* Your information will remain private. + +\* You will receive compensation for your time. + +To learn more about the study and to see if it is something you would be interested in and a good fit for, please fill out the following survey: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN)",Stress +29819,"I have a fear of fainting so I was like “what if I fainted from so much fear during this test” and next thing you know, worst panic attack of my life during the quiz and I failed it. We have the test the next week and same thing happens, but less intense. I got a D on it. Now I have a D in the class. I am TERIFFIED.",Stress +27575,"My boyfriend and I generally have a good relationship. We've lived together for about a year and a half, and we have a pretty good partnership going. He's the first guy I've been with who is willing to sit down and really hash things out if we're having an issue. However there is one topic he *won't* hash out with me, and that's that sometimes he asks me questions out of no where that to me feel kind of like little ""pop quizzes"" that I feel are designed to try to catch me off guard and stump me. He'll randomly pose a riddle or ask a logic question, then I kind of fumble because I feel like I have to come up with an answer quickly, or I just get exasperated and tell him I'm not in the mood for a pop quiz.",Stress +48960,"I’m so stressed out and I don’t know what to do I’m constantly stressed and i know it’s because I need to go outside and see people but i don’t know how to find events or anything. How do I do this, please help :(",Stress +49138,"Stressed out in the morning. Hi guys, + +I have been very stressed all my life in the morning but it goes to a point now I sometimes need to take a small benzo to cut out this unbearable stress that prevent me from having a normal life. + +I already did cortisol test and I’m in the range but near the top. + +I wanted to know what could cause this body stress while doing normal things like walking. It’s like my body react as this activity is a 100 meter sprint when I have this high stress levels. + +Thanks for your helps",Stress +29887,"I'm feel when I read about sth or learnt sth and I talk loud about that I feel I'm fake. I have this feeling that I try to impress someone or my knowledge is shallow and in fact I don't understand this or that well so actually I pretend and I always waiting for someone to laugh at me or correct me. In fact I feel like a shallow person with lack of knowledge \(even basic\) and I myself against me by judging I'm fake, it's not importan what I know or think and generally it's funny when I'm serious because I'm so kiddo what could I know what real life is and how can I know anything. because of that experience most of the time I am full of anxiety and barely leave my house. I was even too anxious to post online.",Stress +27642,I have been reluctant to start one of these as I am really ashamed to ask for help. One of my dear friends suggested I do this as I really do not have anywhere else to ask for assistance right now. I am at a high risk for homelessness. Landlord now wants me out unless I can come up with $800 in the next couple of days. I also was recently kicked off of food stamps lately for no apparent reason and I am working to get that fixed.,Stress +29102,"When I get stressed and angry and blow up, I find myself blaming and cursing God a lot for the situation that has made me angry. Like He has always had it out to get me. Afterwards I feel so stupid and ashamed for my outbursts, usually over very trivial thing. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder however I never told my psych or therapist about this part of me because I just don't like talking about it. I have a child now who is turning 18 mo old, and yesterday I had another big outburst when driving with her due to a stupid road rage issue.",Stress +48490,"Yin Yoga is a WONDERFUL Way to Regulate the Nervous System and Manage Stress I am a MA level clinical mental health counselor and was recently certified as a Yin Yoga Therapy Instructor. Though I cannot offer individualized/catered sessions, I do provide yin yoga classes on YouTube (@wildheartyogahh) as a free resource to help those who may not be able to afford help in other ways. Many people store emotional energy in the body- specifically in the fascia, since 80% of nerve pathways end in the fascia- and yin targets release of fascia and connective tissue through long (3+ min), passive holds. It is a wonderful, gentle practice, for the mind and body! Hope it can help someone. :)",Stress +48370,How's your stress resilience on a day to day basis? [https://resilience.skara.ai](https://resilience.skara.ai),Stress +30100,"I instantly thought of something I rarely think about, being molested in a pool locker room when I was 10. My heart started beating incredibly fast as I readied myself to tell them the thing I couldn’t even tell my family at the time. I started crying, something I haven’t done in years and something my friends have never seen me do. When it got to me, with my hand over my eyes all I could say was “I don’t think I can”. It felt like I was reliving what I’d gone through, like I could see it happening in front of me.",Stress +28145,"I've been feeling off the past day where I felt I was gonna get sick and just felt weird, I'm at my dads house visiting and have diarrhea now and my back hurts, I think it's from this bed. And now I'm starting to tell myself maybe I'm having a heart attack. Maybe I felt chest pain a second ago, but can't tell if it was real or not?? Someone tell me I'm crazy and I'm ok",Stress +48943,Feeling discouraged I'm really stressing about this shit coming up Tues. I don't wanna talk to this office manager but I have to. I just pray she doesn't say shit smart cuz I'll be real likely to say some shit back. Let me fill out this stuff for recertification and talk about a job I'll start and that's it. I don't need her talking out her ass tryna say she covered for me or whatever smh. God I really can't wait to move and I pray I can move asap cuz I don't wanna be here anymore and I don't need her messing up me moving. I'm not sure but I'm guessing places check with your old place as a reference or does that really matter? When I first moved here I don't think the old place I was at checked but I could be wrong. I just gotta get my credit a bit better but overall I'm a great tenant though. I'm praying for better days cuz I don't wanna keep struggling and dealing with shit,Stress +49068,"Bothered By Unhelpful Thoughts? It can happen so easily. You’re trying to concentrate on your work, and your mind wanders off to a completely unrelated topic. Or, maybe you’re about to go on a first date, and all you can think about is how horrible your last few dates have been. + +**Unhelpful thoughts can be distractions or be destructive.** + +Your mind is incredible. When you manage your thoughts, you have your mind working for you. Imagine how powerful you would become if you could ignore or replace your negative thoughts! You could accomplish more and get greater enjoyment from your life. + +### These strategies can help manage thoughts that don’t support you: + +**Maintain space between yourself and your thoughts.** You don’t have to engage with your thoughts. You don’t focus on every person, tree, and car you pass when you’re driving down the road. Most of these things pass through your awareness without you pursuing them further. + + +● You can do the same thing with your unhelpful thoughts. **Allow them to simply pass on by.** + +● Your thoughts are simply something that you experience - you are not your thoughts. + + +**Recognise that it is your brain’s nature to produce random thoughts.** The thoughts you experience say little about you. It’s the nature of your brain to produce thoughts. It’s always going to give you something to think about. + +● Occasionally those thoughts are useful. Frequently, they’re frivolous. Sometimes, your thoughts can be quite disturbing. We have evolved to pay more attention to negative thoughts: with self-awareness we can see them for what they are and then move on. + + +**Meditation is a helpful tool for understanding the nature of your mind.** The first thing you notice when you attempt to meditate is the random and restless nature of your mind. + + +● **Focus on your breathing.** When you find yourself fuming about your boss, wondering what happened to your high school friends, or making a mental grocery list, simply redirect your attention back to your breathing. + + +**Focus your attention on a thought of your choosing.** You can think about anything you choose to think about. You can think about riding a flying bicycle, eating a lemon, or what you have chosen to accomplish today. + + +● When you’re experiencing an unhelpful thought, you can decide to think about something more useful. **Recognize that you have the ability to direct your thinking as you see fit.** + + +**Apply logic.** Poor thinking leads to poor decision making. When your thoughts are leading you astray, put your logical mind to good use. Ask yourself what a sensible person, or your role model, would do in this situation. What would you advise a friend to do? + + +Are negative or distracting thoughts getting in your way on a regular basis? You’re not alone. The human brain loves to stay active and will wander from one idea to another until you take control of it. + +**The key is to focus your attention on what you choose, recognize your random thoughts for what they are and allow them to pass.**",Stress +27882,"I have trouble connecting to it on a personal level, but isn't that healthy separation of past/present? I think my present anxieties/self image issues stem from traumatic experiences, but I can talk about these things fairly openly in a way that feels rehearsed. I had a panic attack where I felt terrified and unable to move at my psych's this past Tuesday, but that's not typical for me, at least not anymore? I realized most my recent ""panic attacks"" may be ""breakdowns"" because it's not accompanied by a sense of fear, but pent up emotions I haven't been able to release resulting in a sudden loss of control... I start hyperventilating, screaming, and unleash all this pent up fury to the point where I feel detached from my emotions/self and have no control, start throwing things or hurting myself, until I'm exhausted and suddenly shut down/dissociate.",Stress +49414,"What do y’all do with your time off? I have been on sick leave for 2 months now. I’m completely paralyzed still. I have no idea what to do with my time since my creativity died. I use to draw, paint, write and play creative games. But all of my creativity died and it feels like I have no hobbies now. + +How do I get my creativity back?",Stress +29343,"Hi guys! My close friend has been struggling lately to pay for her dog's surgery. Two months ago, she noticed a lump on her dog's leg. After running a few tests and getting several vet's opinions, the dog was diagnosed with Grade 2 soft tissue sarcoma. She had three options, do nothing, remove lump and go for chemo treatments, or amputate the leg completely.",Stress +27584,"She didn't go home with me, she took an Uber. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life. I payed for the food, got it to go, and went home. This is where it gets crazy. I wanted to be away from her at that time.",Stress +48304,"Stress and bladder Can stress make you feel as if your bladder is not completely empty? Been more stressed than usual the last few days and I've suddenly had this sensation. It's happened before but it worries me every time and I can't remember if it's usually connected to more stressful moments. + +Is there any connections between the two or should I worry it could be something else?",Stress +49086,"Sleep Sounds, Rain Sounds For Sleeping, Rain on Window [https://youtu.be/kfmi2W3oJzQ](https://youtu.be/kfmi2W3oJzQ)",Stress +29427,"I just told them I had too much anxiety and breaking up with my boyfriend made me really depressed. And that I didn't know what I'm going to do, maybe I'll find a job. So now I just stay home and go on my computer all day. I leave the house maybe twice a week. I have constant feelings about being useless and that I'd be better off dead.",Stress +49464,"How to fight PCOS with diet and nutrition? PCOS is described by one study as low-level chronic inflammation. Adding anti-inflammatory foods to your diet can help ease your symptoms. Consider the Mediterranean diet as an option. Olive oil, tomatoes, leafy greens, fatty fish like mackerel and tuna, and tree nuts all fight inflammation. fruits good for pcos will help to cure. + +[https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod](https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod)",Stress +48682,"How to Take Criticism Effectively So I struggle with criticism. On the moment I'm contradicted on a subject, I doubt just about everything I know. It's a huge problem. I will become extremely anxious and self pity, if I don't get defensive. Typically if someone else is wrong or criticized even at the smallest degree at a similar time, it's like instant relief, but that isn't a given. How should I learn to take criticism so I'm actually a better person from it?",Stress +27587,"Hi everyone, This is my first post in this thread, so bear with me. My mother (54F) has always been controlling and anxious, and now that I (19F) have gone to college, it feels like things have gotten worse. I am home right now for winter break and things have been so tense and awful and I don't know what to do. She is really judgmental and anxious about my sex life.",Stress +48766,"Stress relief Does anyone know the best ways to relieve stress that aren’t google search results? +(I.e: I don’t want to hear about exercise, eat healthy etc)",Stress +49222,beard picking disorder Beard picking from months results in many ingrown hair has anyone experience this? How to solve?,Stress +27740,"I can't get over this feeling. Nothing feels good. I just finished spring break and I had a chance to work out every day. Even when I was working out, I felt overwhelmingly anxious. I can't state concisely what I'm thinking.",Stress +48848,"I cant stop comparing myself to others I am a chess player, when I lose to my friend in tournaments I feel like my soul leaves my body. I want to hide. I want nobody to find me. I want to stay hidden. I always compare myself to my friend and I don't know how to focus on my own goals. People will say stuff like, ""chess is just a game"". ""It's just one match"" but it's different for me. I want to improve yet I am so stressed about losing and being teased for the loss. +If anybody can tell me how I can push others aside and focus on my own goals, please, explain to me how.",Stress +48846,"Binaural Beats for stress relieve Hello Guys, We’ve haven’t seen anything related to binaural beats here, so I thought of sharing something that might be useful to you guys, because it helped me a ton. Binaural beats are claimed to induce various same mental states associated like reduce anxiety, relieve stress while increasing relaxation, increase focus and concentration, promote creativity, dreaming etc. In essence a binaural beat is an acoustic stereo signal, typically a sine wave, from which the left channel is slightly detuned to the right channel. This difference, measured in Hz, produces a waving motion that is actually audible when listened to on stereo headphones. This difference dictates the speed of the binaural beat which has different effects on your brain. Each frequency is associated with outcomes that correspond to different levels of brain wave activity. Here is a little guide on the most important frequency ranges: + + +* Gamma waves: Between 30 Hz and 50 Hz, linked to higher alertness, concentration, and improved problem solving, learning, memory and mood. +* Beta waves: between 13 Hz and 30 Hz, similar to Gamma, linked to an active and alert mind,  improves mood and task performance +* Alpha waves: between 8 Hz and 13 Hz, indicate a relaxed and restful mind, can increase creativity +* Theta waves: between 4 Hz and 8 Hz, associated with drowsiness and meditation, reduced anxiety, relaxation +* Delta waves: between 0.5 Hz and 4 Hz, relaxation, deep sleep, dreaming + +There is a lot of stuff on youtube you can check out and listen to. I mostly listen to binaural beats in the beta range for sleeping, meditation and lucid dreaming. After 10 minutes you really feel like your are sinking deeper in your mind. These beats are often accompanies by music playing on top of them, which is sometimes really nice, but we have a created a some natural ambiences that feature binaural beats.  If you want to check out our channel, you can do so here. We’d love to get feedback on those as well. :) +Rain and Thunder [https://youtu.be/UaYF-lmz4bQ](https://youtu.be/UaYF-lmz4bQ) +Ocean and Calm Waves [https://youtu.be/UfK1-nWtw8A](https://youtu.be/UfK1-nWtw8A) +Mount Fuji [https://youtu.be/GwY0tob0OgE](https://youtu.be/GwY0tob0OgE) +thank you and good night 📷",Stress +27860,"I had to do some other repairs (thanks potholes!) that put me even further behind on payments. I can do the brakes myself to save money. I have a friend with jacks and tools. I just really need help getting the brakes, I'm actually getting worried about them now, starting to get spongy.",Stress +48378,"Feeling paralyzed Sometimes I feel so stressed that my body feels paralyzed. I can’t move, think, talk, feel, etc +Is it normal ? +And how can I deal with it?",Stress +27503,"I would like to leave there, but I'm terrified of a shelter. I'm also a semi observant Jewish woman. Most shelters won't help me keep kosher and keep Shabbat, both of which are important to me. The Rachel Coalition is for domestic violence only, so I can't go there. The NCJW shelter in the area doesn't accept the voucher welfare would offer me.",Stress +28784,He went on rant (not aggressive) about how he worked all 50 something year's for the stuff he has and how everyone want to just thrown it away. And at that point I feeling like a gave up (it being 6 yrs to this day since I've graduated High school and grasped an idea). I currently want nothing from him. I still love my father and would do for him as he is still my dad but I don't trust him at all!! I did not mention the fact that he'll go through the garbage to see what me and my mother thrown out.,Stress +48844,Stressed that I might not get a college I scored 92% in my high school boards. And that will be considered a nice scire if ibwere preparing for my medical entrances. But I decided I wont be giving med entrance as it was sapping me. And now I try to get admission based on merit and all the top seats are grabbed by 98-97% scorers. I had to fight with my parents and be strong to take the decision to not study medicine. And its stressing me out so much I can't even smile genuinely. I dont even know if I will get a college.,Stress +27898,"No, not really. I thanked my boyfriend, and then immediately blurted out ""how am I going to explain this to my mother?"" Like I said, he's understanding, but I could see him kinda wince as he probably realized that the gifts brought me more anxiety than happiness. **I spent the next half hour desperately thinking up backstories I could use to explain to my mother why I had a brand new hat. **",Stress +49426,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +28442,"My mom is living on borrowed time and she needs cardiac surgery. The whole thing costs around €8000 ($11800) and needless to say, we can't afford it. I'm on my way to becoming a doctor myself (in my final year of med school) and seeing her like this without being able to do anything to help her is breaking me. I love her so much. We have no one else and the constant pressure is killing me.",Stress +27841,"This is an idea that my father also reinforced in me heavily. I remember vividly when I told him that everything was my fault (in my child mind obviously meaning ""you make everything my fault"" which was very much the state of things in the house growing up) and he straight up told me to stop fucking up so much if I didn't want things to be my fault (I should emphasize all ""fuck ups"" were minor- letting a pack of strawberries go to waste, forgetting to call him as soon as I left school, etc- but punished severely). Hell, even if I'm in the *wrong* now I feel like I'm still a victim. I can't gauge conflict to save the life of me- even if I'm being an absolute ass, I'll feel like I'm the one who's being persecuted. My last relationship was a while ago, and lasted about a year.",Stress +48446,"Sleeping 6 hours, heart Racing and chest pain Hello all. + +I have been on sick leave from work for 3 months now. +Tomorrow I’m starting slowly again. 3 hours. + +Throughout all January I have had this persistent restlessness. I have been sleeping 4-6 hours every night, woken up, and slept again for 2-4 hours. Getting up at noon. The past two weeks I have tried to get up at 8, to match my work schedule. Now I only sleep 6 hours and stay in bed trying to get in the last two hours. +It worries me that I’m still not sleeping through a full night. +I’m not sure if it’s stress or my hiatal hernia or my chronic neck pain that wakes me up. But I wake up rather abruptly. So I’m guessing stress. Sometimes I wake up with racing heart. + +Speaking of racing heart - I started to get that randomly racing heart throughout the day. I wonder if it’s because I’m starting work and I’m nervous about it. I have social anxiety and I’m trying to fit into this new “me first” mindset. I’m a big people pleaser, but I have had to break with that habit now. Also I keep getting chest pain, I’m not sure if it’s my hiatal hernia or if it’s stress. + +Idk what to do. I’m feeling uneasy about not feeling better than I am after 3 months.",Stress +49433,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +27526,"Sure it was almost 3 years ago (in July) two months into my first job out of university. I got bit in the leg and continued on like it was nothing. I only fell apart October 2016. I must have been living in survival mode until I got the call that the man who saved my life was getting recognized with a bravery award. Hearing those words, I literally felt my chest rip open and haven't been able to close the wound since.",Stress +49385,,Stress +29406,"Physical abuse wise my dad had beat me several times, I never really understood that it was abuse until not that long ago, things like hitting my legs together what seemed like as hard as he could, hitting me on the face as hard as he could, threatening to choke me out, etc. it overall made me feel pretty disassociated, I just didn't really understand why though, my relationship with my parents became this extremely hollow thing that felt like an obligation rather than having genuine parents. as I got older from 10 on they became increasingly mentally abusive on top of it, at age 11 my dad found out that I'm trans by looking on my computer and screamed at me for an hour and threatened to hospitalize me (He didnt know mental hospitals wont hospitalize people for it, and might've ended up trying to put me into conversion therapy or something) this is around where my mental health completely snapped, going into 7th grade, hitting age 12, I started becoming extremely suicidal, I thought about hanging myself at school or stabbing myself, it became too much to bear, not being able to be openly trans, being beaten, feeling on edge non stop, feeling completely invalidated to the core of who I am as a person. I became morbidly depressed and stayed that way from then on.",Stress +49104,"Living with other people Hi! I’ve recently moved into a shared house with two room mates - people that I knew through other people. They’re really wonderful people, but I’m struggling with living with them. + +I get super overwhelmed and stressed out when my environment is messy, whether that’s clutter or dirty/grimey, so I try make the effort to take care of shared spaces so they don’t get to that point and stress me out. However I’m growing tired of doing all the chores (washing shared items like tea towels, hand towels, etc, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen (and just maintaining its cleanliness) and taking the bins out). + +Is it unreasonable to ask them to clean to a certain standard (nothing crazy but more than they’re doing now) if it is something that is clearly not bothering them? Or is it selfish to expect them to clean to my standards if it doesn’t bother them, and therefore should the responsibility fall on me? I have lots of sensory issues that overwhelm me, and hate bugs (we have flies and ants) if that context is useful! + +Would really appreciate any advice, and I’m keen to have a chore chat but don’t know how to ask.",Stress +29094,"I’m having a difficult time coping with how my abusive husband is perceived by family and friends. He raged at me, then was perfectly calm and collected as we met family for dinner less than five minutes later. We go to social events and he’s the perfect gentleman. He’s kind, caring, funny, charming... I sit next to him absolutely blank and speechless.",Stress +48912,"Need help dealing with stress I need some advice dealing with pent up stress. + +I'm a full time college student in Electrical Engineering, and I also work 20 hours a week during the semester at my job. My courses alone are really stressful for me, but combined with work and responsibilities at home, I am constantly stressed out. Mentally I can cope in the moment and push through, but that is not my problem unfortunately. + +I store all of the stress somewhere and never release it. It builds up over days, weeks, months, until eventually it all comes out. Even if I ""decompress"" after a long day I don't really feel like I got it all out. Over time my body starts to get stiff because of the stress, and eventually my back locks up on me. I never have a mental breakdown due to stress, just my body locking me down until it can relax. + +Currently my jaw and hamstrings feel like they are tight enough to snap in half, and my back is stiff. I've been dealing with this for years and haven't found a way to sort it out, so I am looking to see if anyone here has advice on how to deal with the stress before I do irreparable damage to my body. + +Thanks for any help.",Stress +49231,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +28042,"I am afraid of anything and everything at the same time I am afraid of what happened or what may happen. I am afraid the world, the earth, the skies, the stars, aliens, humans, animals, whatever fucking bullshit thought that had occurred in my head that makes my skin crawl. I am afraid of what I am or what I might become. I am afraid that I might go crazy or fight that I might become boring, or normal, or average, or weird, or some fucking hippie, or some fucking stupid hard-headed person.",Stress +49108,"I don’t know what I’m supposed to do God these past 2 months have been horrible, i used to be an high B student which I wasn’t really happy with now and all my grades have been dropping because I was sick for 2 weeks in the beginning of march, I don’t know what to do anymore and my thoughts have been going everywhere. I’m horrified for when my parents see my grades since they are strict when it comes to them. I haven’t gotten good sleep since I started this semester and I’ve contemplated about just leaving it all behind, at this point the only thing stopping me is how my family would react and what would happen to my cat. And now I’ve got Mcaps and AP tests coming up after next week and I’m honestly freaking out. What do I do? Because I think I’m almost at my limit with this crap",Stress +28361,I can't even talk about the day she left me because it was so traumatic. I can't even admit it to myself. It was awful beyond words and I can't tell anyone. How can I see a therapist if I'm afraid I'm going to lose my shit just opening up about that one day? I feel like it would ruin any progress I've made...I'm afraid I'm going to be hiding forever.,Stress +27416,"I'm 24 and have massive amounts of stress going on with job hunting. I live with parents who are constantly on my back and getting angry with me for not having a job. They keep trying to help me by saying ""oh this place is hiring and that place is hiring again."" I have tried all places where I live and every time I don't get an interview let alone hired. Even if they have a sign up that they are hiring, they tell me ""sorry we're not hiring right now.""",Stress +27922,"I recently went through an event that was extremely traumatic. Without specifying what, it was recently everywhere on the news. It's been less than a week and not even sure what I'm dealing with here but all I know is that I feel like I am being discouraged from getting help. Most of my recommendations have been people that are ""off-record"". I've talked a little with them and have talked amongst my friends and they say they do not feel they are any help.",Stress +28193,"For some reason the niece decided to call us and basically tattle on the ex for how she was living drugs etc..... we kinda already know her situation. We have custody so it's not a huge deal. Well, he invited the niece we will call her Carla and her bf to our home for a bbq. Well, they never left, I don't even understand how it happened but it did . Well, after major issues with the bf we finally were able to get rid of him.",Stress +29962,"for at least a month i was waking up from 4 hours of sleep to panic attacks. the only thing that calmed it was over the counter sleeping pills.I noticed it help my hypervigilence, i was no longer jumping and getting adrenaline rushes from every little sound. but i forget to take the sleeping pills from time to time like tonight. I slept 2 hours then woke up, no anxiety or panic attacks this time but unable to fall asleep and with much on my mind. I don't want this to affect my work but it has been.",Stress +28449,I have been trying to find an answer to this question over 6 months. My story starts when I changed while my life for the man I loved by believing him that he loves me and moving to California from Israel. Since I was the one who were going to take the big step I had many concerns yet he always literally begged me to move here... finally I did move here and we got married. After a while I found out from a Facebook message that he has been cheating on me all those time that he was begging me to move in with him. I asked him about the message and he lied about it over an hour.,Stress +29533,"I've applied to many other places over the months and using services like Indeed and Monster. But no such luck as of yet. The whole issue has left me feeling angry. When I talked to my therapist about it, he did help; however, the conversation had the tone of ""being a man"" and doing what you need to do and after a while to simply let go of the anger. I'm not trying to disregard him, but I've been having a hard time understanding what he means.",Stress +29661,I'm in college now and got high last night and felt pretty sad. I'm a wreck. I thought I've overcome this all but I'm just feeling alone again. After trauma i started isolating myself and attaching to creative work to get a sense of worth. I declined socially by a lot and can't feel connected to anyone past a surface level.,Stress +29600,"He forced me into sex again... And if I refused he became violent. Once I had mentioned to a friend how I hadn't wanted sex and hoped that jacking off would be good enough, and having overheard this my punishment was to be slammed into the wall and the table then thrown to the floor. When I pushed him back, telling him to quit, he kicked me down to the ground and heel kicked my back until I had a panic attack and collapsed unable to breathe... I spent most nights waiting for him to pass out, which he never did, and running through our small mini-winnie as he chased me with a knife... My dog would come out from under the table (she was a rescue who had been abused) and would trip him up, letting me escape, and he'd hold her hostage-- letting me spend most of the night in the cold, out in the boondocks where it was common for truckers to come through and cougars to attack farm animals and pets. If he felt sober enough, he would chase me down the road for a few hundred yards, and I would walk the three miles into town and wait in the park by the police station until I was sure he'd passed out...",Stress +29862,"I of course understand her wanting me to be safe, but I have an IUD and use condoms 100% of the time, which she knows because she pries about my sex life. She knows I'm sexually active and I don't have a boyfriend and is really judgmental about me having casual sex. I had a pregnancy scare last week (I'm not pregnant) and all I wanted was some advice from my mom and she used it as a way to make me feel bad about my sex life. When I was younger, she would constantly slut-shame me for things I hadn't even done, and made me feel so guilty about the idea of even having sex that I didn't have sex even with my year-long high school boyfriend because of this crippling guilt. Whenever we argue she makes it a time to critique my entire personality and not just my behavior in that argument or even within my relationship with her.",Stress +28502,"I know this goes a bit beyond /r/relationships, but I'm also asking for advice on how to deal with this as far as our relationship is concerned. What do I do? --- **tl;dr**: Girlfriend's violent, crazy ex-fiance is out of jail after beating up his grandparents, and I don't feel safe. What do I do?",Stress +48806,"im not stressed but my body says otherwise im 22 recently graduated from college doing my internship in nursing. + +ive always thought my stress levels are ok but since for years i’ve noticed that + +- cant seem to beat fungus (skin and vaginal) even though i rarely get sick +- i have irritable bowel syndrome (stress related nothing inflammatory) +- my hair falls excessively. + +u think im stressed? idk",Stress +48818,"It’s theoretical that I have stress based seizures and have some questions about stress medication I’ve heard a little about stress medication being antidepressants and such a thing doesn’t actually work, it has little to no effect. Does anyone here use stress meds that actually help. I take Ashwagandha chewables and they help a little but clearly not enough",Stress +28934,"Last week I posted about having to travel to Melbourne with my Sister who is a really nasty person, well it ended up being exactly what I feared, she was just plain nasty to me the entire 3 days. From the moment we arrived at out rented apartment, she would just do nothing but complain about me, saying that I'm so ""over dramatic"" and that ""I'm just anxious for attention"".......I mean really? I never wanted to be like this, and she has the way of making me feel like I'm a bad and worthless person. Now I will admit she has issues of her own, she has been pregnant so I can excuse her for that, but she has been like this for a few years now, I remember how I was anxious about my elbow swelling up and she said it was ""nothing"" and it turned out to be cellulitis. Ever since I came back from Melbourne, I've just been overthinking things, and when I do, it flares the anxiety right up.",Stress +29121,"She has had wounds on her face once, one doctor saw them, wrote them down, and offered to call the police. They replied that she'd have to come there by herself and sue her husband. Which of course did not happen. Turns out I get really numb as the only way to not get dragged into this emotional swamp, but is a hell for its own. Hating every single contact here.",Stress +27450,My therapist says this is a normal behavior to display. Having been ripped from my children and left on the streets is very hard and i honeslty want to give up. But the anxiety swirls to the point i keep trying to find where i went wrong. It replays and plays in my head over and over like a horror movie. The feeling of wanting to die because at that point i had nothing left.,Stress +29219,Went to my first survivors of incest mtg yesterday. Sexually abused between 4/5-8/9. Have been crying for the last 3 hours and can’t think of anything else except how lonely and how much of a failure I’ve become. I’ve been in therapy since 19 but hadn’t disclosed to ANYONE about the sexual abuse by my two brothers. Then I was forced to disclose to my therapist the truth about the abuse when one of the brothers reached out to me one random day saying he wanted to perform sexual acts on me.,Stress +30057,"I feel like a complete and utter fuck up. And it just fucking hurts. I’m filled with what if’s. “What if you didn’t ever use pot and was that what made you feel physically ill?” “What if it wasn’t that, but just high anxiety?” “What if I pushed through and got the job and things turned out well? How happy would you be compared to where you are now?” (I should mention I am not at a great place in my life right now in many ways, including employment).",Stress +27973,"I have therapy, I'm on medication. It's so hard to just get through a week without thinking of him and now I can't stop picturing his stupid face. I want to crawl into a hole and just cry and scream. It sucks even more because I won't be able to see my therapist this week because of the 4th of July holiday. I'm so shaken up over this.",Stress +49148,What is the difference between vocalizing/expressing stress compared to taking it out on someone else? This is a topic of debate with my partner. Is allowing yourself to experience the stress you feel equivalent to taking it out on someone else? Or is simply speaking in a stressed tone taking it out on someone? Just looking for a distinction.,Stress +48795,,Stress +48306,"A couple of piano albums that I listen to when I need to calm down One is called In the Light of a Thousand Sunsets and you can find it here https://open.spotify.com/album/25u0tLxx6GOEzJlFB6x6Wy (for other music services check this link https://album.link/i/1676357174) + +The other one is called A Waltz For Lilly - https://open.spotify.com/album/5uppYYROsBMyF6yvtWGctW or https://album.link/i/1569647140",Stress +48757,"I have a lot of stress problems, here’s the solution Hey everyone, I am a university student and I often have problems such as stress and not being able to focus when working. + +I found one solution for this and I wanted to share this with you, maybe it will work for you too. + +It is through listening to relaxing sounds in the background such as rain. We all know this sound and it is proven to have a calming effect on us. Here’s one channel I like, you might like it too. [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdtFV71px48CB0DOaPYTq9g](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdtFV71px48CB0DOaPYTq9g) + +Have a nice day :)",Stress +29593,"I feel like I'm dying. I know that I'm not but I feel like it. I'm at the end of a cold. Not a cold that I sometimes make up in my head, but an actual cold. Stuffy nose, chest congestion, scratchy throat.",Stress +28550,"I´m stressing this entire fall break, I´ve been learning for 5 days for about 8-10 hours a day, and I haven´t finished nothing, even after making a schedule (breaks every 45 minutes, dedicating one day to one thing). When I feel stressed, I feel like I´m about to throw up (or I´m about to cry) and I get anxious to the point of total mental breakdown. I have ADHD and stress gets to me really easily, because I can´t keep my attention in place. Any ideas on what to do in this situation? PS: I am 50/50 INFP/INTP-T (50/50 dominant and inferior functions), that might have something to do with it but I´m not quite sure about it.",Stress +48578,"Stomach pain Anybody else get horrible stomach/chest pain for days on end when immense stress is in your life? + +It's finals, and last year I had the same exact issue during finals. Stomach pain. I can only assume that it's bad heartburn ... I feel bloated like a dead animal in the blazing heat. Feels like a big sharp iron bit of metal is in there twisting and pulling at my organs + +It's impossible to move or eat and last time I went to the Dr about it they put me on an anti acid and sent me home + +I hope it's just stress, does anybody else get this???",Stress +48573,Living here I’m stressed about my living situation. It’s hard. Being in a new city is harder. I’m not a self motivator.,Stress +49211,"How can I be confident when I speak infront of the crowd? Tommorow I have to speak infront of the whole class for like 7 minutes (it’s part of our exam), without reading or anything. We haven’t really done it before, and i’m an extremely anxious and shy person infront of people i’m not close to, I get extremely anxious. I will need to look to the crowd and talk for 7 minutes and I just know I will fail, or I will turn red and feel it and panic, or I will just simply forget what I need to talk about. I learnt it really well but I will 100% get a panic attack and if anyone knows how to help with this, then share your advice..",Stress +48809,"Stress to the max.... Dog related I need someone to talk to, this will be a long chat because of the store behind it.... anyone welling to help would be great.... Dog 🐕 is involved.",Stress +48952,"I’m struggling with school and I have a lot of stress and keep procrastinating So, As the title said. I’m struggling with school and nowadays I’m just really sad that I couldn’t get anything done because I’m always worrying about this and that and never get things done. By the time I stopped thinking it’s night and it’s late. And my school work are unfinished. So please give me some advice.",Stress +28918,"I don’t know if anxiety/depression have anything to do with memory performance, but I’ve noticed that I remember a lot less compared to when I wasn’t in a depressed and anxious state. For hours on end I contemplate and procrastinate everyday about my depressing life. It’s just sad. Anything I can do to cope with this? Could I get an accommodation from my school for this?",Stress +29694,"The main source of this stress is a scholarship I am on that requires payback if you lose it, meaning I would be in the whole about $20,000 if I fail and get kicked out. The contract states you can either be kicked out or placed on probation, but I cannot find any precedent on what direction they lean. Without diving into many specifics on this class and the great, and I emphasize great, impact it can have on this scholarship \(I wouldn't be able to get my AE degree\), I was hoping I could find some advice on increasing my productivity and generally improving my mental/physical health. I am reaching here, I really need some help. My fiance, bless her heart, is not much help because of planning the wedding and I don't have a lot of close friends/confidants.",Stress +48663,"Being a warehouse cleaner sucks. Cant lie i got offered a “office cleaning job” full time, and good pay so i took it. Ive done cleaning since i was 17 and just stuck with it because its easy and most of the time your left alone to just do your job in peace and go home. I’m 21 now and never had a cleaning job like this. So i turn up for my 1st day and was greeted by a woman and a confused looking bloke. She said “firstly have we got safety shoes and a hi vis?” I looked at her confused. “No?” Long story short i was never told to bring either of the things, because like i said i was told it was an office cleaning job, so she gave me a hi vis and some borrowed shoes that were massive on me, which i had to wear for 3 days because again wasnt told i needed safety shoes an i was broke af. She took me into a huge warehouse with different compartments and said this is what ill be cleaning. Along with rooms connected to the warehouse that operate massive machinery making car parts. + +She told this confused bloke that had only been there for a week to show me around, this guy had no clue what he was doing tbh, just pointed at things and told me i had to “empty bins that way”. Later i was then told i had to drive around this fucking monster of a cleaning machine in tight rooms, never had proper training on this thing btw just got told what buttons to press and to just practice. Yeah sure I’ll just practice not crashing a giant machine into stacks of metal cages whilst also dodging death. I have crashed this machine not badly luckily but have definitely been in situations that couldve killed me. The thing that really pissed me off is the fact i was struggling on driving this thing today, the supervisor who was meant to be helping me, didnt want to help me (laughed and shyed away) when i was panicking on the machine cos i couldnt get it through this gap and i didnt want to crash into big metal boxes that couldve fell on me. She got on it and started getting nervous herself being on it and hated driving it just as much as i do, then started mocking how i have to drive it and she doesnt. Keep in mind shes meant to have fucking trained me to use it. + +From tomorrow onwards im going to use a push machine to clean the floors and if they dont like it im leaving because that job is a jobs worth and they dont give a fuck about my safety.",Stress +28219,"After I took care of healing my self, my biggest concern has been that he will do it again to another poor woman. He is already dating someone new that is even younger than I am, I was already 13 years younger than him, and I am so worried for her that once she passes the 2 year dating mark he will repeat the pattern of abuse just as he has done in the past. I wish there was a way to at least give women and men the chance to know of what they are getting into ahead of time and then let them make the decision if they think the person is reformed or not before getting trapped in a potentially abusive relationship. It makes me sick that the pattern of abuse can continue without any transparency. I wish there was an online database of domestic abusers similar to sex offenders.",Stress +48437,,Stress +27640,I even pressed chargers against him. Unfortunately he still found a way through to me by hooking up with girls that I know and having them make sure I knew about it. Nothing has happened since June and I’m about to be moving far away from him. I struggle with what he did to me every day and the flashbacks occur still. I don’t expect this to ever fully go away but I am 18 now and I can say that I survived this.,Stress +28763,"I can't find an affordable place to rent that would fit in with my budget and I have no savings. I've looked up a lot of the shelters around me that give out meals/ have assistance, but they all close before I get out of work so I can't even drive over and ask questions. I can't call during work because I work in a very customer-centric work environment. So I guess my questions are: What should I be looking out for when living in my car? How do I go NC with my dad but still keep in contact with my family?",Stress +48697,I feel like im about to implode from stress I'm 21 years old and I recently enrolled in college I ended up choosing a really hard course. My parents were paying for it but i still failed them and i had no choice but to drop the course. I went to go drop it today however on the way out I got into a fender bender which will be my second accident this year and i'm still on my parents insurance. I'm such a colossal fuckup and I don't know what I can do to repair this situation. I'm going to go get a job soon so the finical strain wont be too hard but I just cant believe how much ive ruined my parents trust they placed in me. The worst part is its all my fault I just cant believe how easy it is to ruin trust and respect and how hard it is to earn it back. I feel paralyzed I cant calm down and this is ontop of the fact that I have anxiety over searching for a job. I threw up due to how stressed I was. I feel like I cant talk to anyone but strangers about how bad i feel right now. I just have no idea how to be ok.,Stress +48627,Are you feeling overwhelmed? Here's How to Eliminate The Feeling of Overwhelm [https://movexstill.com/blog/feeling-overwhelmed-here-are-4-simple-steps-to-eliminate-overwhelm](https://movexstill.com/blog/feeling-overwhelmed-here-are-4-simple-steps-to-eliminate-overwhelm),Stress +28056,"So, I survived years of physical and sexual abuse as a kid. I'm finally at the place in my counselling where my therapist and I both think I'm ready to work through it. I really like her and trust her, but the guided questions she asks remind me of how few specific details I actually remember. Today she had me close my eyes to focus on where in my body I was feeling my anger, and it was like I was whooshing through a tunnel until she wasn't in the room anymore, and my body felt all weird and flat, my head would feel gigantic and then absolutely minuscule, my hands would be gigantic and then my feet.....I don't know how to explain it. It's like that scene in Inside Out where the characters become abstract shapes for awhile?",Stress +48480,"Worried about my gap year I am a college senior and lately I have been stressed to the point that it has been affecting my sleep schedule. Currently I am taking a gap year to retake some prerequisites and study for the MCAT med school, I don’t live at home due to my school being far away, but I am stress that I have to be at home and study for it. I didn’t have my own room before I left to college. I had to lose one of the unused rooms in my house as my personal room, unfortunately, my parents decided that they prefer this room compared to the master bedroom. It was fine at the moment because I was away at college and I had a house near my school. Now that I’m about to graduate and hopefully move back home to save money I have brought up this issue if I could get the room back but instead of hearing me out, they had stated that I can just go to the library study. I am not sure whether or not I should just suck it up and move back home or save up enough money to move out officially. Any advice would be wonderful!",Stress +27492,"I am so sleepy and want to sleep so bad but the second I lay down it gets worse. My chest and stomach actually tighten up with anxiety and *all* I can do is think about Pippa. Now, what I did was irresponsible and I *should* feel bad about it. But this level of anxiety about something that happened 6-7 years ago that I can't do anything about now is insane. I tried talking to my family about it, but they even disagree on the basic premise that Pippa was even neglected.",Stress +49456,I found the solution to your stress at last! https://youtu.be/xbT9fyTc4Io,Stress +48954,"Stress/Anxiety I’ve been dealing with stress and anxiety for the last three months or so. I attribute it to my job and planning an upcoming wedding. I also have psoriasis, so that doesn’t help my case. + +Anyways, I’ve been improving but sometimes with get a body twitch or zap (as I describe it) that lasts less than a second. It usually occurs in my chest, rib cage or sometimes calves and is coupled with the feeling in my forehead or temples. I’ve had blood work done since this began as well as an EKG, and everything is normal. Any thoughts on what this could be and If it’s a result of stress/anxiety? Thanks!",Stress +49305,"food and hair pulling How on earth do I stop utilizing food for comfort? This past year is the first time I've had a very unhealthy relationship with food (had my second child and have been nursing her. I'm a sahm with a 3 and 1 year old). All I can think about is food and eating. I'm constantly ""snacking"" and I'm always eating really bad and unhealthy options. I sometimes get healthier options but something in my brain just won't go for those in the moment and I truly feel I can't control it(I know I can and should be able to but I guess my willpower sucks). I'm so sick of starting and restarting my health journey every day because I can't keep from overeating to an insane level. It's truly becoming embarrassing and I have so much shame. + +I also have issues with hair pulling. I'll sit and pull my hair out one strand at a time anytime I'm idle. I'm well into it before I even realize how long I've done it. I've had this issue on and off since college. + +I've spoken about both of these issues with my therapist this past week and all she really told me was to find a sort of ""fidget"" to use when I'm idle to keep from the hair pulling. She gave me no advice on my food issues so I hoping to continue pushing that at the next session. Any advice or help would be so much appreciated, especially if anyone has experienced the same issues.",Stress +28156,"I'm not exaggerating in that I legitimately, 100%, thought I was going to die. I don't think I've ever been so scared. I keep a diary and reading back on what I wrote at that time makes me cry at the memory. Something else new I've been experiencing is numbness. I've never felt numb before but it's been happening more lately.",Stress +27885,"It was no longer just about the life and love we were building together. It was no longer about us, it was about me and trying to fill this hole within myself. If she would just want me, make me feel wanted, I could baptize myself in it and finally let go of all this guilt and self-hatred. This male shame. It’s complicated.",Stress +49199,"nonstop anxiety throughout the whole day. now i have a nightmare which was never this intense and emotional. i’m feeling that my lens of the world disappeared and my old self is not here anymore. why do i experience these things? so for context ive had an abusive dad growing up, and everyday living with him changed me. i feared getting yelled at for doing kid things, getting suffocated because i was crying. thinking about that now makes me mad of what i have to go through, but now i put that behind me. recently i’ve been stressed because of my bf and that internal problem just led up to more things, such as my purpose in life, who i want to be, and just self doubt. i feel like i’m not surrounding myself with the right people because i think they’re taking advantage of me, and are extremely careless to me. besides people, i’ve been feeling numb to the world. i feel like a robot and other peoples true self are showing a lot more. it feels like i’m high except.. i’m not high. the smaller things in my head stands out more like the noise outside my window. i’m usually not concentrated on that, but my brain picks it up more easily like i’m more aware of these things happening. my surroundings feels a lot different from usual. but i know myself when i’m completely normal versus when i’m out of it. there’s some people from reddit that told me i had an experience of depersonalization. i smoked before to get rid of some stress, and smoking mildly i know will not make me feel this way. the stress is overwhelming me and i feel trapped. but right now i had a vivid nightmare and it’s about the people in my real life. it affects me more and it’s the first time i’ve experience an actual nightmare. i usually don’t remember my dreams and i move past it, but this time it gave me a lot of stress, i remember the whole plot and context, the whole energy of it, and it’s scaring me. + +my feelings overall and what i’m experiencing, +-not in my body +-high but i didn’t smoke (outside of my body) +-stress throughout the day and night +-restless and pressure against my chest +-no appetite (i’ve been eating a small meal once a day now.. it’s barely anything) +-insomnia (which 2 weeks ago, everything was normal) +-paranoia +-a bunch of thoughts on my mind (usually negative) +-no meaning in life and sadness. like an empty or sort of numb feeling +-realization that’s talking or texting feels a lot different, it wasn’t the same normal feeling from before, it felt +like i changed in way that isn’t permanent.. i hope) +-nightmare (which kind of made me realize that there’s something i’m going through that isn’t normal at all, i’ve been through some shit but i’ve never had an actualt nightmare with a plot and this intense before, it lasted about an hour until i woke up) +-my period is late, and for the past 4 months of tracking it, it hasn’t been late before. + +i want to stop feeling this way and to not overthink as much. what do i do?",Stress +27791,"I walk up to the door, unlock it and open it. It's K. With my boyfriend standing by in sight I ask him what he's doing here. He says nothing but stares at me with this blank stare. Then I get this weird gut feeling and ask ""have you been drinking?"" In which he shakes his head.",Stress +48346,"What are these random stress attacks? Recently it does happen that I randomly, all of a sudden, get stress attacks. Like even if nothing happens at all. One time it lasted a whole day and then also the morning after. Recently it started in the night and caused me to not be able to sleep. This stress is usually just feelings of unbearable tension and fear. There are no physical symptoms. During the attacks I get thoughts about all possible things that I ever found stressful. Maybe worth noting that I recently recovered from depression, and it's like the sadness turned into these attacks. + +What can it be and how do I prevent these?",Stress +29649,"When it's abuse in the workplace, it seems like everyone just says, ""Oh, get over it, and don't be a baby. There's nothing wrong with you."" I actually had one women tell me that my husband's behavior was 'completely normal' and that 'everyone acts like that' (I was floored. I don't know one other person who goes through shit like this at work or who acts like that - WTF?). They just want to brush it off, and no one gives a shit.",Stress +28819,"Hi r/domestic violence! You guys were recommended by the super supportive guys over at r/twoXchromosomes where I made this post earlier in the week: (tl;dr: I've been facing a lot of personal strife lately, argument on Saturday with my husband resulted in restraining and a hit to the face. We're both military members.) A few things have happened since last Saturday.",Stress +28101,"Eventually I reported the texts, as they kept coming, and I recieved verbal backlash from his friends for doing it (I live in a small community, running into him or his buddies all the time). Then, radio silence. I felt minor relief every day I didn't hear from him, or his friends. After his second appearance in court, he pled not guilty to charges of uttering threats and assault. I was shocked.",Stress +27628,"She humiliates me in front of other people and when we're alone. I'm always just a servant who's there to get her drinks and hype her up. I'm always just the butt of her jokes. She used to invite me over when she was hanging out with a guy she was trying to hook up with, just so she could make fun of me in front of him the whole time to make herself look better and/or cooler. I'm just a prop.",Stress +28533,"My brother and I usually get along but for some reason, he makes me really angry, to the point that I don't like who I become. I'm a pretty level-headed guy and never really yell or get angry at anyone but for some reason **when it comes to my brother the anger I get is so overwhelming**. He's the only one that can get me to that point of anger where I start sweating and shaking. He's never ""hurt"" me in a major way before and all the things that annoy me are little things like ignoring me, not responding to me when I talk to his lack of eye-contact and him generally ignoring/disregarding my attempts of communication. I don't wanna be like this towards him and I don't really know what to do.",Stress +49092,"Feeling pretty stressed about this + + +I (M20) have a crush on this girl at the drama club at the community college I go to. We met about a month ago. I did ask her if she wants to get some dinner sometime, but she said she isn’t looking for a relationship right now, but if it happens, it’s fine. (I told her that we’ll go as friends, but of course that was a lie). + +Today, we took down all of the sets from the show we did. A group of friends were talking to me and one of them said that I can ask her if she wants to go bowling. However, me and her don’t have any classes together, so I’m gonna have to ask her over text since I forgot to ask her earlier today. + +What should I do about this? This is actually the first crush I had where I actually feel comfortable with her. (Meaning, making good eye contact and all that).",Stress +29449,"Anyway our talk basically went nowhere and she said she absolutely will not stop hanging out with the group. I didn’t tell her to, but I did tell her that it hurts me that she would engage with people who apparently have so many negative things to say about me, and I thought blood was thicker than water. Really it’s her callous “yea I see you’re in pain but I don’t care, get over it” type of standpoint that’s hurting me the most. I’m starting to think she too participates in the trash talking and I’m thinking of cutting her off too. Should I?",Stress +27894,"I've been skipping my classes and haven't gone out with any of my friends because I'm afraid I'm going to get sick when I go out. I'm supposed to go visit my boyfriend at his school tomorrow (I'm on spring break and he's not) and I'm already worrying about if I'm going to get sick and if I even want to go incase I start to feel nauseous and get a bad stomach ache while I'm there.... I'm wondering if anyone else deals with a lot of nausea from their anxiety and what they do to cope with it? I'm terrified of throwing up and so this is like the worst symptom I could ever have.... plus I always have this weird feeling in my chest/throat like something is coming up or is stuck and am belching a lot, like tiny burps. I feel like I'm crumbling and am starting to really slow down... My anxiety/depression has never gotten this bad before and I've just been a sad shell in my bed, can't even find the energy to turn on my TV and pay attention to anything.",Stress +48703,I feel so stressed and alone. I have people in my life I can talk to but they're all busy and I don't want to burden then more. My counselor is also really hard to get a hold of. I just feel burnt out beyond belief.,Stress +27869,"I know that I can't be unemployed forever but I'm just too anxious to really do anything. And everyone in my family keeps asking what my plan is and I keep lying because saying I've got nothing is just too humiliating. I'm just stuck. Have any of you gone through something similar, and have any advice? I appreciate it.",Stress +28471,"But I really do enjoy being with him and don't want to break up either. Am I being silly? Sometimes I think I'm making this a bigger deal than it should be. I get insecure about the fact that my high school boyfriend is the only one who actually asked me out on a date before we slept together. Every other guy it's always turned out the same- I come on to him, we have sex for a while and the guy maintains he wants nothing serious, then out of nowhere comes on really strong with marriage and kids talk.",Stress +49303,This article has been really helpful on anxiety disorders and how to control an episode [https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/](https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/),Stress +49410,"Being too hard on myself This is gonna sound real crazy but I don't feel grown cuz I don't drive. Maybe I'd feel better living where others use public transit as much as I do. It does kinda bother me a bit like if I did wanna go out and get dressed up, I'd have to use uber or lyft but I'm taking care of myself and need to stay focused on my right eye so it can get better. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself cuz I'm really trying my best when I've wanted to give up before but didn't",Stress +48351,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +48946,"Writing and Burning to Clear and Release The burning ceremony involves writing the #negative conditions that you would like to release from your life on a piece of paper, then burning the paper in the bowl. The purpose of the ceremony is to #release old patterns, beliefs or experiences, or anything that impedes you from realizing your true self. + +[https://youtu.be/sm1XyRyT7JA](https://youtu.be/sm1XyRyT7JA)",Stress +49160,"I think my mom found the explicit photos on my phone and I feel like throwing up. So ive been masturbating for a few years and i started saving videos/photos to my phone so its easier to get to. I always keep them in the hidden section of my phone. Last night I forgot to hide them and I woke up and found them in the recently deleted section and other app I think she went through. The latest notification was 2 hours before I woke up, so I was certain my phone was turned on. + +The photos themselves were just photos and videos of girls I thought were really attractive (they were over 18) and would use to get off to. + +Now since they are in the recently deleted tab, notifications were only 2 hours old (and I had notifications from before 2 hours ago but before I went to sleep), I had apps open which I never use, and my phone wasnt in the spot I last had it. + +So the title says “I think” because im just hoping it was me in my sleep and I was really tired, since some photos were perfectly fine and she hasnt said anything about it yet. + +So incase she actually saw the photos/videos, can someone give me some advice on things like what to say/ do when or if she brings it up?",Stress +28716,"I'm new to this so please forgive me. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions. I need advice/help. I was molested multiple times by my biological dad when I was 5 up until middle school (so like 10 yrs old). After many times in the past telling my mom that my dad had ""touched me weird"" my mom had gotten annoyed and mad at me.",Stress +28727,"Also, as of right now, the 2017 team is on their trek to Alaska. Because of this, I'm limited on what I can do to raise money, since the main focus is on them. In the meantime, all I can do is ask for donations. I was hoping Reddit could help me out with this. If anyone wants to donate to me personally, here's the link to do so, along with my reason for riding: ",Stress +28498,**tl;dr: My BF has a dirty house. Never cleans his private room or bathroom even if I've told him to. After 2yrs I'm fed up and grossed out. I don't know what to do anymore! **,Stress +29187,"For a while now, I have been getting very little sleep. Maybe an hour or two at the most every night. I’m exhausted throughout the day despite being at work surrounded by very enthusiastic people 6 days a week. Yet when i get home and I’m alone, I can’t sleep even though i am so tired. My worries and my stress is constantly nagging me.",Stress +28677,"My sister is a shift worker - works around the clock at ridiculous times. I asked her (before I moved in) if she could sometimes pick me up from work if I worked late and if she could help me with my driving - she said yes. I've now asked a her a few times if we could drive somewhere she has said: ""no"", ""just because"", and ""I'm sick and tired"". She's lazy and selfish. I've asked her once if she could pick me up from work (as my dad was unavailable) knowing for a fact she's not working and I get a response saying ""I'll pick you up at the bus stop down the road"" - which doesn't help me at all.",Stress +29203,"I work as a security guard at a busy office building and everytime i make eye contact with my people I can literally see them shuddering inside. It probably down to the fact I have an intense stare and tend to stare in people's too eyes long,but I don't know what the social etiquette is ,what do you do when you're walking along a corridor and you bump into someone you just said hi to a few seconds ago, what do you do when you turn around and unintentionally lock eyes with a work colleague. Please someone help,teach my how to make normal eye contact in social situations. It's getting to the point now where work colleagues are going out their way to avoid making eye contact with me. Please help",Stress +29470,"I was nice, and it got me no where, so I was rude, it got worse. I compliment my mom and my sister as much as I can, I tell my sister I’m proud of her, I tell both of them I love them, I take care of my mom the best I can, but I’m still their verbal punching bag. Every day I tell my mom that I love her, that she looks pretty, etc etc, but it ends up in her replying with “you’re gonna fail this year you know that right? You need to do your school work”. My sister called me naive and immature for not making fun of people’s interests and looks.",Stress +29905,"Because I have! And it literally makes me feel 10k x crazier than I already feel as it is. She left me alone, meds unfilled, and then told all her colleagues I was trying to scam ADHD medication off of her, so now none of them want to take my case either. Backstory, I’ve been seeing this doctor for 3 years almost now and at first I let her know my commitment issues with mental health, and having people just leave me stranded or pass me to new doctors every week and it made me bail the first few times I’ve tried to get my brain right. So we have appointments every 3-6 ish months depending on medication change.",Stress +29141,am I writing it because it looks crazy or am I writing it because it's how i feel?~~ Maybe I can't word things clearly because it's my deepest thoughts. I'm going to try to write clearly because I feel like a fraud. I don't even know how to begin. I don't know the questions to ask.,Stress +48670,how can i overcome my stress? I am 24 and work 16-18 hours a day. Just take a sleep for 3-4 hours. As i am working in a startup so there is a lot to learn. If i will not learn/work then how could I be successful? But due to this workload maybe i am getting more n more anger issues.,Stress +30053,"Years ago on this day, you did things to me I will not say. Although I might have lost a fight, nothing about that at all was right. I hope it bothers you oh so much, to know you hurt me all by touch. Everything about you is so mean, I just wish you could get clean. I wrote this all straight from my heart, take responsibility for your part.""",Stress +28154,"I have a short term plan, but nothing long term at all. I’m assuming she’s going to shut off my phone in the next 24 hours, so I’ll have no access to texting or calling services until fiancé can afford to put me on his plan. Unfortunately, he may lose his job because he was living with me and my mom. Today we had a really bad fight and she’s at home while I’m outside... I don’t think I can go back anymore and I have nowhere to go, with the very little money I have on me and only the vaguest sense of what to do.",Stress +27680,"And I'm just really confused and don't know how to feel or what to believe or think. Did he kill himself because of me? Did he know I wanted to see him or did they simply never told him? Is it my fault he is dead now, and that my little brother has no father anymore? I'm just so confused and overcome with emotions right now.",Stress +27485,"I have had the worst anxiety of my life recently. As a college student I am now falling behind in classes, forgetting about sorority events and not interacting with my friends. I am slowly losing my mind. My room is a mess and the only thing keeping me out of a mental hospital right now is literally my students where I student teach. I am exhausted of fighting to get out of bed everyday, shaking when I sit in class and just not talking to anyone.",Stress +28495,I don’t know what to expect. I just want to not be so alone. He is a law enforcement officer in this small town. I’ve been down this road with him before. The injuries have never been so severe though.,Stress +29922,"Though I have been staying with family, their households are getting packed with other members and issues and so they have no room for me. I do not have many friends, and the ones I do cannot help whatsoever. So, I am on my own. I have a wonderful as a baker that I don't want to lose or give up. What can I do in my situation right now so that I am able to keep a roof over my head and still keep my job because I know that if I am just able to keep shelter while continuing to work this job, I will be able to provide decent housing and expenses for myself and never burden anyone with my problems ever again.",Stress +48726,Introduction to a set of release techniques which proved to be a great asset in fighting with stress [youtube.com/watch?v=HNA5OV1-hW0](https://youtube.com/watch?v=HNA5OV1-hW0),Stress +48880,"First real job - how Hi. + +I'm 26 but I´m a bit behind in life (now trying to go fot my liscene and stuff). + +I did soms contract jobs and student jobs before but it is the first time it's for a whole month. It's my 4th day and it is 22 work days or so in total. I'm stressing out a lot. + +After this it is time to find a new job. A real one and I am so scared. They are now going to a restaurant without me. I feel so left alone because now I am the only one sitting here and I keep wondering... what if I will feel the same thing in my real job? This terrible feeling. The CEO was here and they were like... hey let's go to eat something together and then I realised I wasn't going with them because one girl said something like... we are bla bla but you can go outside to eat something and I'm glad she did because no one had the balls to say it to my face. And I get it, I'm a student but I would have feel better when they daid something like... you can gl with us but you have to pay for yourself because you arz a studenr and we don't pay for them here, do you want to come? Nope... I feel so left out. + +I think people give me stress. All the anxious feelings and stress, it is due to people. I think I want to cry. I hate this. Time to work I guess.",Stress +28281,"I grab my partner and told him “ we need to get out of here right fucking now!” We made hour way out of the building, as we were exiting the conditions increasingly got worse, just as we made the door the room flashover, my partner was already in the hallway I was still in the room. Many times when firefighters are caught in a flash over the outcome is death, for me it was burns to years, wrists, and face. I still consider myself very lucky. After that I started struggling with anxiety at work and home. On my days off I started to drink excessively.",Stress +29226,"Hey all! I'm in San Diego CA and about 2 years ago I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis. I haven't had the most stable care and have had to move all over the country just to maintain safety. Most recently, my mother who I have a very rough (to say the least) relationship with said she would help take care of me financially as I cannot work right now. Well for some reason this last month my mom just stopped paying my rent which led to eviction.",Stress +30088,"When I was younger, not even double digits, another minor around my age came very close to sexually assaulting me. It luckily didn’t happen and my two cousins busted the boy’s door. Years later, I couldn’t be around men without feeling anxious. I don’t remember having any nightmares but, I couldn’t trust men. Not even my own father.",Stress +49378,,Stress +48632,"Is this all life is supposed to be? I know life is supposed to be difficult. I know stressful things can happen, and that most of us learn how to cope in a healthy way. Eating right and exercising are supposed to make us healthy and happy, both physically and mentally. We're supposed to have hobbies (beginner at knitting) to keep us occupied and to do our duties, which manifests in the job that I do almost every day. We need to have a network of support from friends and family. Life isn't just what happens to you, it's how you react to it. That's what I tell myself. + +Yet it seems that life, or at least my life, is just one stressful event after another. Be it getting rear-ended and struggling with insurance for a few months, a single parent's boyfriend showing up who stresses you out for the next few, transferring from one branch to another in your job, looming deadlines, and the knowledge that you have to eat healthily and sleep at least 8 hours a night or you're going to get sick...etc. etc. etc. Many times I'm happy and I catch myself wondering when the next bad thing is going to happen. WITHOUT FAIL, it does. I deal with it successfully, and it's on to the next one! Over and over and over again, catching moments of pleasure and peace in between. It's not a very good comparison, but it's kind of like Dark Souls, where you die your way through instead of playing your way through. + +I'm slowly being chipped away at. I've built an extraordinarily healthy way of living, but it seems at this point that it's just a tower I've built over a foundation under continuous assault by the elements that I'm constantly repairing. + +I've been tired. So tired. It's like I died a long time ago, and I'm only 23. I know everybody deals with constant stressors, so is everyone secretly feeling this way? Is it all drowned in alcohol? drugs? Religion? Are we supposed to naturally numb ourselves with age? This can't be all that life is! + +My grandfather eats junk food. He stands or sits around for most of the day and sometimes he goes for a walk before coming home and eating. He's been through the Vietnam war and lost almost everything. Despite sleep apnea, cancer, a fat-rich diet, and falling once, he's still thriving in his eighties. No one gets to that point unless they've got it all figured out inside. + +There's something obvious I'm missing, something that appears to make all the difference. I don't think a girlfriend will fix this, nor will any big purchases or materialism. Ideally, I'd have a life of inner peace and contentment, filled with steady but peaceful determination. Otherwise, life has no meaning to it.",Stress +28919,"? To me is heartbreaking to know that the most I can achieve is to keep defending myself, but not getting to be loved, accepted and cared. I know that somatic therapies may somehow help me to develop discernment, but that is not what i'm looking for. i'm looking for ways to attract healthy people. Please no victim-blaminish phrases like the ""love yourself first"" motto, (I already love myself wildly hard) please no tough love.",Stress +28286,"I didn't tell anyone, not even my family. I felt I had to protect them; They were already insolved with CPS (Trust me, though, they're awesome) and I knew if i brought abuse into our case, I would inevitably send them down an unnecessary path. Social workers don't blame the abuser, they jump to the conclusion of negligent parents; Parents who were irresponsible enough to not know this was going on. They didn't know, they didnt know because they couldn't know. I went out for a few hours and they assumed I was hanging out with my friends, at least that's what I planned to do; They assumed I went to school and got an education, not beatings when the teacher was out of the room.",Stress +28879,"It's horrible. The thing is, my urologist told me that it was just an overactive bladder and gave me some medicine, but it just worked a couple of days when I was ""totally positive"" about the medicine. Even, after taking the pills I felt great, like in a normal state, but the symptoms are here again. Is it possible that the cause could be my sometimes uncontrollable anxiety? Have someone had the same problem?",Stress +29255,"It sorta works, but I don't like the feeling of being deadheaded. I also don't have a good relationships with doctors considering I was misdiagnosed with bipolar as a teen and given lithium... Had a terrible reaction to it. What are some more natural remedies or self-help you all do to keep yourself in the proper mindset to calm your triggers? I've started meditation and taking CBD oil (which work great, but kinda expensive), but it doesn't seem to be enough. I just want to start living and be able to enjoy life.",Stress +28957,"I’m very frustrated by this and don’t know what to trust. On the one hand, these dreams could very well be pointing to reality. On the other, they could simply be playing out fears I had. And I just don’t know which. What do I trust?",Stress +48447,"50 USD amazon voucher for 2min survey (student project) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 50 USD among all participants. Raffle will be on Wednesday. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48475,"Forgot the way to my apartment! I don’t know if it’s stress related. I do not consciously know if I am under a lot of stress, but on the way back from the laundry room, I pressed the wrong floor and started trying to open the door to the wrong apartment(which is two floors above mine). I realised that it was my seemingly ours but I had to take a minute to recall my own actual apartment number. +Is this worrisome? I have been in this apartment for 22 days.",Stress +30139,"My friends and family don't understand why he is so jealous and controlling because they know when I'm in a relationship I'm faithful. Im ready to take him out of my life, but what should I do? When hes angry I don't know what extent he would go to. How should I handle it? Ignore him or communicate calmly so he doesn't get mad?",Stress +48364,I'm burnt out. What is the most effective way to get unburnt? Looking for the best ways to relieve stress before starting a new job. I don't believe in mediation or yoga so those are out of the question.,Stress +29039,"I know no break up is fun, but you know what I mean. Without going into too much detail: she was unhappy, cheated on me, broke up with me, started dating other guy. We also live together. It's been three weeks and the stress had caused my stomach to twist into knots I cannot untie... Not really sure where else got with this. I just want to stop feeling like this.",Stress +49374,"How to stop stress? I have glaucoma in my family and I have a little bit too much pressure in my eyes according to a quick checkup. No idea has it done any damage, so I have an appointed test next month but I can't stop thinking that I'm gonna go blind before that",Stress +49284,"New nervous/stress habits. New poster here. I am a 54f professional w a history of depression. I notice I’ve developed new habits of rocking (rare) and chin quivering (frequent!, seems intentional, can stop, but the inclination is def increasing). Full transparency: I’ve started drinking a bit more, but no more than I’ve overindulged in the past due to stress. I am under incredible amounts of increasing, unrelenting, and incomprehensible stress these days due to my employer suddenly changing all policies. I never rocked/quivered before these changes. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced rocking and chin quivering in response to stress. And the influence of alcohol if relevant. Thanks.",Stress +48762,"Should I see my doctor? I'm new here, not diagnosed with any type of stress disorder. + +Long story short; I'm a 26 y/o female, in a happy relationship, enjoy my studies at uni and my student job. I have friends (not a lot, but I'm an introvert so that fits me) and a loving family. At the same time I have a few diagnosis - an eating disorder, OCD and borderline personality disorder. All of them something I've gotten treatment for, and I have under control. + +The reason for this post is new. Since my summer vacation ended a month ago, I've had this problem. Every time I sit down to do some studying I start crying. I can't concentrate and the more time passes, the farther behind I get. I have a hard time getting started with any task - studying, cleaning, getting to classes, being intimate with my partner, anything. Just writing these few lines have taking me half an hour to start, half an hour to write. + +My question for you guys is; Should I see my doctor about this? Or is this just a part of life, and not even a real problem? I don't feel like talking to the people around me about this, I don't want to worry them if I just need to get myself together... + +Hope to get some oppinions!",Stress +49404,"How do i get over my stress and anxiety related to having to learn to drive? I live down south in a mountainous/hilly area and i find it stressing even as a passenger at times because of how winding and narrow the roads are. it's as if a normal street was cut in half. there is consistently a large amount of brush around these roads which can obscure my vision. there are also a lot of guard rails around these roads which adds to it. i am being pressured by my family to learn to drive, mainly because 10 years ago my mom got high on prescription pills as she often does and went out at 3 in the morning driving somewhere and critically injured herself, almost paralyzing herself in the process (i was told that my mother is in the .1% of people who have a full complete recovery from the type of spinal damage she incurred in her accident without any loss of mobility). i also take prescription medication, and she has begun threatening to not pick up my prescriptions anymore if i don't do this which has also added to my stress. my family tells me that i can do all sorts of fun activities outside if i have a car (which i have little to no interest in, the only reason i leave my house is for food shopping and doctor's appointments). i obviously do not live somewhere there is easily accessible public transportation, either. for the most part i'm scared of injuring myself or another person if i'm behind the wheel.",Stress +48612,"Feel like I messed up everything Stress caused accelerated aging in my body, my mind is completely broken, always have headaches. It's all my fault over nothing, could have stopped it or taken medication or something.",Stress +29958,"First it was chest pain and heart palpitations. Then left arm pain and shoulder pain for awhile. Then back pain and tension headaches now it's a little mix of everything, I get breaks in between where it feels fine but then it comes back and my mind now after it being relentless for 2 days is think is this Really anxiety? I mean cmon this is relentless even at time when I'm not anxious. Sorry for the rant just getting sick and tired of constant suffering where I don't even know what's round the corner next...",Stress +48610,"How do i stop constantly looking for academic validation? For context I’m a 21F in college with hopes of going to nursing school. Since I was young I’ve always been driven by my academics because if I wasn’t the prettiest in school, I definitely wanted to be the smartest. Essentially, i had one bad semester two years ago almost while being in college (parents were edging a divorce) and ive been paying the price since. It was the lowest my gpa had ever been and because of it i couldnt apply to nursing school when I wanted to- and it absolutely crushed me. So, i drove myself even more into my academics so much so to where i have panic attacks when it comes to my grades. In simple, today was a bad day mentally. On top of school, I work two jobs as a CNA and pharmacy technician. In the mornings, I’m at the senior living facility, in the afternoons I’m in class and in the evenings im at the pharmacy. I feel like my body is addicted to stress and its finally crashing and i feel awful even considering submitting this one assignment late and risking a point deduction. Ive emailed my professor about it all and he hasnt gotten back to me but i cant pull myself to do this assignment. I feel lazy and i dont know what to do.",Stress +48614,"Overwhelmed and Exhausted I’ve been struggling recently with stress and anxiety about life in general. I’m having constant headaches and migraines, I’m not sleeping well, I’m overeating… + +I’m 21 years old and I’m already feeling burnt out and ready to give up. I work a full time job and go to school part time. I just moved out of my parents house 2 months ago and got an apartment with my boyfriend. I get stuck doing majority of the housework like laundry, dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. My dad works all day long and my mom doesn’t drive so Im constantly driving my mom and my younger siblings every where. + +I work 6:30am-3pm and I usually don’t even get to sit and relax until 7pm, then Im going to bed by 8pm but i’m not falling asleep until midnight and Im up on and off all throughout the night. + +Im barely making enough money to pay my bills, and Im also the family bank to my mom and dad. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind helping them out but they’re constantly asking to borrow money and 9 times out of 10 I don’t get it back. + +I’m just so tired and sick of everyone laying their shit on me but then not being able to ask anyone for help.",Stress +48829,"Stress Triggers The main factor in determining how stressful a situation or event is for you is how you interpret and perceive it. #stress #sadness #worry + +https://onlinemkt.org/stress-triggers/",Stress +28117,"I'm gonna try and keep this as short as possible> We met 6 months ago and it was instant chemistry. We fell in love pretty quickly and we used to talk all the time about how surprised we were at our feelings and how we had never felt like this before. Anyway a month ago he started calling less, he would still drive the few hours to come and see me but the communication between us seeing each other was lacklustre. I'm not usually clingy but we used to talk on the phone several times a day. this turned into a 5 minute call.",Stress +27360,These past couple of months have been the worst. My anxiety has gotten so bad it’s effecting my sleep and relationship. I’ve become so paranoid about my health as well. I don’t feel like me anymore and I just feel scared all the time now over every little thing. I don’t have money to see a therapist either...,Stress +48665,"can you be deeply in love with 2 people at the same time? So there's this guy. An ex ss officer. He fell in love with a jewish prisoner in Auschwitz and had a relationship with her. After the war he tried to contact her to be with him, but she wanted nothing more to do with him, so he started a new life, family, got married . He had this one picture ofher(in her auschwitz prisoner uniform) , and he used to cut out her head and put her on another clothing, away from Auschwitz. He used to do this for the most of his life (the filmaker says it was a way for him to imagine an alternative life they could have had).He copied the picture and kept it in his wallet until the day he died. So when his daughter was 16 she said her father told her about this Jewish girl, and that he never ever in his life felt true love like that. He even gave his daughter a locket with a picture of him and his ex Jewish girlfriend, not her mother. His daughter said it was odd, and she also said that this Jewish girl was the love of his life(in a documentary, there was a documentary made about them). So the filmmaker which is close to both his and Jewish girls families said that the ss officer was deeply and truly in love in this Jewish girl, till the day he died. His wife also knew about his ex.So in 1972 he had to go to the court because of his war crimes against humanity, and his ex Jewish girlfriend was a witness,when he saw her after 30 years of no contact he started to cry. Does that mean even while married to his wife he loved his ex girlfriend more? Does that mean that he would maybe leave his wife for her?",Stress +28109,I got upset and called the dogs in and closed the door. When he came in he avoided me at first and when I confronted him about lying and sneaking around he defended it by saying it's my fault that I'm not okay with it. I've never been okay with it and i feel like I've been lead on throughout this entire relationship. The fact that he would prioritizing getting high over comforting me really hurts my feelings. I'm tired of feeling like a plant is more important then me.,Stress +48934,The very thing causing my stress is the only thing that can decrease my stress The moment i try to relax and have fun i am occupied but stressed as i feel i am wasting time. My stress is derived from productivity if im not productive i am stressed about being not productive and therefore when i am having fun it is fleeting because I quickly realize i am not productive. Anyone else?,Stress +29461,"He saved me from my family. I don't want to give up on him because he's never given up on me. TL;DR: Boyfriend often has tantrums where he throws objects around the room, but never physically hits me. Is this abuse? How do I get help?",Stress +29688,"University makes my anxiety really bad, I'm too scared to ever ask professors for help which makes my grades worse, and I can't make any friends. All this makes my depression worse, so I end up lying in bed all the time because I'm either too depressed to go to class or having a panic attack. I know I'm going to end up failing the semester, and that's just making my anxiety worse. I' sorry for rambling, I just really don't know what to do, and I have no one to help me. Can anyone give me any advice please?",Stress +49084,Ironing a shirt always helps to ease my stress [https://www.wimp.com/a-professionals-technique-to-ironing-a-white-shirt/](https://www.wimp.com/a-professionals-technique-to-ironing-a-white-shirt/),Stress +28859,"*Sigh* I fucking bailed on the plan today, to get my suicidal headcase of an ass to a hospital for admittance to a psych ward. My PTSD got triggered when I got in the ambulance, so I fucking jumped out the side door. They chased me down an alley and found me hiding behind a truck. Police got involved, more PTSD triggers, but he was nice and spoke French, which comforted me a little.",Stress +48843,"#stopbullying There is a small business owner in the northern ky areas-( Covington, ft. Wright, Florence, and other locations owned by this person). A BULLY: one of the causes of a person to hurt themselves. There's physical proof and we are trying to figure out how to hold this person accountable. BELITTLED, DISCRIMINATES , OVERPOWERED , PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT, GASLIGHTING, MENTALLY BREAKS DOWN A PERSON. EVIL AND SELFISH. CAUSED A PERSON MENTALLY BREAKING POINT!!! +#awareness #stopbullying2022",Stress +29148,"If I could, I'd put security cameras all over his house so I can watch whatever he does and says. I don't even like him. I hate him, in fact- I've spent hours fantasizing about ways to kill him. When I was in high school, I picked routes that passed him and hung out in places he walked by. Does anybody know why I feel this way, or have any research on this type of behavior?",Stress +48853,"Stress Management Stress management is new to me. I have several diagnoses and am being treated by a psychiatrist and a therapist. I've been on short term disability for 3 months now due to migraine complications. After several images and tests, the neurologist sums my condition up to excessive environmental stresses which brought on medical predispositions such as occipital neuralgia with chronic migraine disorder. I also recently stopped drinking alcohol. + +I've been on bed rest for the past few months, and after a recent procedure to prevent migraines, my neurologist has cleared me to return to work in 2 weeks. + +I won't bore anyone with the details of my stresses these past months, but at 44 I can truly say this is the most stress I've experienced in my life, to the point that my body gave up. I need a good program on how to manage my stress if I'm going to be able to live my life. + +So I'm reaching out here, asking if anyone has found a good program and wouldn't mind sharing it. I'm also going to AA meetings and am in the early stages of that 12 step program. Thanks.",Stress +29673,"Suddenly she snaps and goes ""I fucking hate my brother, he is the biggest piece of shit ever, I couldn't care less about him"" and just started going off. Now, I know her brother can be pretty psychotic and from what shes told me he clearly has anger issues and the rest of her family keeps ignoring it, sometimes even enabling it. So 2 minutes into her exploding, she starts crying because apparently her brother told their dad something and the dad called her and said he doesn't trust her anymore or whatever. She was very upset about the dad thing because she's very close with her dad and she's her dads favorite child (he told me that himself when I spoke with him). I didn't want to pry too much because I felt like it isn't exactly my business of their internal family issues, but my girlfriend screenshot the text messages her brother sent her and I just could not comprehend how a human being, especially a sibling, can say that to someone.",Stress +49135,"Solace in the Trees Trees captured buring various seasons create a tranquil scenario. The melodic sounds create an atmosphere perfect for meditation, + +deep sleep, studying, stress management, anxiety relief. + +[https://youtu.be/C6M4RvTCvsA](https://youtu.be/C6M4RvTCvsA)",Stress +29196,"Oh fucking boy! My ex boyfriend made me think he was Prince Charming, but then it turned out he was just an asshole who wanted to date my ex bully/stalker. She is JUST like me because she was obsessed with me for one and a half years. She is a prettier me, so instead of leaving me like a normal person, he abused me and used his incredibly strong narcissism to make every problem I had about him. He tried to make me dump him so his plan would all correlate.",Stress +48775,"I have a laundry leash of problems i cant really talk to anyone about Like the post says, i just have actual tangible problems i have to deal with day in and day out. The biggest problem is everyone involved in my life is some how apart of some of the problems so there is no one i can talk to all of it about. I hope that made sense, and if not it should after I explain it. + +Ill just list them plainly +We had to dig into savings and spend 5k on car repairs + +Came home to my roomate screaming at his ex girlfriend so i got in the middle of it and told her she doesnt have to deal with him again. i had to kick him out and thought i was gunna have to fight him in a bathroom + +My wife is getting a series of MRI to see if she will need brain surgery + +I take my grandfather for serious surgery oct 7th + +My mom is taking my other grandfather to get his other leg amputated an a month in a half + +My stepdad’s business is only breaking even this year and my mom isn’t handling it well so i cant really tell her about any of my problems + +I would tell my buddy about my problems but he is having major issues +With his wife and will prob get divorced in 5 years so he isnt in a place to hear my bullshit + +I work for myself so my job is inherently stressful day in and day out. + +And now im here typing all this on reddit bc i havent slept in 2 days bc every time i go to lay down my brain does the math on bill i already know i have money for over and over again. + +TLDR i have a lot of problems cant tell anyone about and just stressed out. Its cool to ask me literally anything if anyone has actually read this. Just figuring out what to do with the extra 8 hours i get a day now. My life isnt bad and we arent homeless or addicts or anything. Just a lot of stuff outside my control i have to grind and deal with every day. I with I actually had interpersonal problems to deal with instead of this shit honestly. It would be a lot better to have heart ake right now",Stress +48344,"How to deal with the anxiety of crossing paths with your exes, when you're out with family? I have had flings and short term thing with some crazy women (which i regret). + +Though i have treated them like a queen throughout the time we were together, I always have this fear that what if they make any false accusations or create a scene when I cross paths with them in future, or try to defame me in case I do something big in life. + +How to deal with this constant fear?",Stress +27744,I don't know if I should call it abuse. Fiancé suffers from PTSD & alcoholism... Punched me and threw shit at me at an international airport and almost got himself kicked off the flight. Last night was the 2nd time but far worse. He beat me with a bag he thought I packed and thought I was going to leave him (it was a bag I forgot to unpack and was in the closet). My head was bleeding profusely and I (thank goodness) ran outside and called for help...,Stress +49312,"Every time things start to get better something bad happens. So basically last year humped me. So much happened that I have been left with symptoms of post traumatic stress. Anyway I left my job to start this year fresh and hopefully not get bullied like last year. I have been losing weight, eating healthier, going to the gym and have never felt better. Two weeks of finally feeling like a human again and tonight I was going to go to the cinema to realise my car has broke. I know it sounds silly but I can’t catch a break.",Stress +28298,"Fast forward to 3 am, I am tired and would rather just leave, even though we have convenient seats in a standing room only club and my wife is enjoying herself. She makes a passing comment that she would likely be more comfortable at home, eating food. I jump on this and say we should walk back even though it is a 45-minute walk, in heels, in the rain (which I did not check for). She agrees we leave, she slips and falls, I did not help her up, and we fight the entire way home, divorce comes up several times. This morning she won't get out of bed and won't talk to me.",Stress +49252,"Stress relief Recently ive been aware of my stressed and im really tense all the day long. From the time I wake up I feel a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders an that feeling rarely goes away, sometimes I have can't sleep because of that. I also exercise 5 days a week and I used to run but I've stopped so im sticking to weight lifting and easy cardio like walking or biking in zone 2, working out used to make me feel happy but recently it has felt like a chore. im also a full time student, university is really time consuming and a barely have time to do my hobbies, running used to be my stress reliever but is not helping anymore because I have to go for my run at 5am and I go to bed at like 11 if im lucky so I feel like I barely get any rest, so if you have any tips to manage stress please let me know.",Stress +28243,"He was furious I'd 'kept' that from him. I had considered doing cam modelling though had never gone through with it (again before we even met) . He accused me of lying and keeping things from him. On top of that, he still expected sex all the time. I still liked it, but I was so stressed from the move and from the constant crying and fighting that my libido was down.",Stress +48642,"I got extremely stressed in workplace and home. To speak I live in South East Asia, where work is long hours and pay is only enough to try to survive a month. + +I have been managing my stress with family issues too so everything is a bit of a mishmash as I am angrily typing this down. And autism doesn't help with my stress management either. + +I had been working in a shitty workplace. The pay ain't bad but to deal with my boss terrible management and temperament which makes his employee turnover rate is so high .People would stay around for a week up to 3-4 months, with the group chat kept having people leave and join. As of now there are around 15 people who have come and gone which I seen since the first day I joined and worked here up until now. I heard that this business has been running for 4-5 years now but from what I seen is almost like an enterprenuerial business with no idea and direction they wanted to do as they have tutoring, selling board games/blind boxes and even large figurine tradings, throwing menial tasks at every employee with focus on trying to get more employees to join. I worked around 11-12 hours on average so it makes me stressed at first. + +Then a few days ago when I got home from work (around 11pm almost midnight) my dad called me in to have a talk with him, then he explains that he's worried about my health and my body health. At first I didn't think about it much. Me and my father didn't go well for a long time so I think of it more as of a warning, however it turned to make me angry and stressed as he simulate what will happen to me by imagining if I were turned into a disabled person and unable to move at all, with me still able to talk. I got so stressed and tired enough that I didn't get enough sleep after I finally got to excuse myself. + +And comes up to today as I had enough with today as I tend after their store and I was a little loopy, I looked like I was sleeping when I'm actually trying to stay awake. The owner called me that he's been watching me sleeping for 15 minutes and he's going to cut my pay. Then he ordered me to go to wash my face. i did before coming back, so angry and annoyed that I slapped the store's security camera, HARD. Luckily it didn't break just the camera cable disconnected so it's an easy fix. So I just called the manager and told them that the camera accidentally fell to the ground and broke, saying that it worked fine after I reassembled it. I was a little panicked but a little less stressful from that. + +Sorry it's more of a rant post, but I do need help managing my own stress and it just came up almost everyday. How do I do it? I felt like I could explode at any point right now.",Stress +28382,"Please tell it to me JNMIL, I just don't know what to think any more. Am I unempathetic? Am I in a JNMIL situation with a FH who can't be helped? **TL;DR** My fiancé has banned me from asking questions about his relationship with his mother, after I questioned the need to visit her for the fifth time in five days (4x+/week since we moved in together). Edited to add: I have often turned up and helped.",Stress +48375,"I feel bad I’ve have my puppy for over a week. He’s adorable and such a sweetheart but I feel bad because I can’t take care of him. My mental health is over the roof and he’s pushing every bit of it when I put him before me because that’s what I end up doing. I put him first making sure he grows up to be a good obedient boy but I forget about me. I feel so bad. I love him so much and I don’t wanna give him away but I know I have to. I haven’t been going to the gym anymore, I’m working more hours, and I still have school to focus on. I hate how hard it has to be.",Stress +29525,"I have no worth or identity or breathe. He has blamed me for everything. I guess I am getting an abortion. I was upset his friend brought him somewhere that he ran into a girl he loves, and even though it was just a second it really hurt me. He hides me from his friends and his friends reject me but all he says is I do not like his friends.",Stress +29228,"Hi. So, my husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. I've tried to leave several times but he threatens to kill himself if I do, by crashing his car or running into traffic. However, I have nowhere to go even if I do. My family dosent want/can't afford to have me live with them again.",Stress +29843,"My boyfriend constantly states that we are no longer in a relationship and I need to be constantly working towards showing him that he will want to be with me again. I do 90% of the cooking and cleaning in the house. I try my best to make sure his needs are met, even if it means that my needs fall short almost always. It seems like any ""everyday"" argument we have about something always turns into me being a piece of shit because of what I did to him. He tells me that I made him this way and I need to deal with it until he moves past it, which I understand and agree with.",Stress +49420,"Always stressed, even though I don't have a lot do stress about So I don't have anything that I really need to do, except for two school projects. One of them is a sewing project, and I know I can get that done fast enough, and the other is a important-ish project assigned by a really nice teacher that will give extensions. I probably should have finished them a few days into the break, but I keep putting it off. I'm always thinking about it, and I just tell myself ""I'll do it later."" Then I do something else and forget about it. But when I do remember it, I don't feel like doing it. I have all this free time and I just waste it. There's only a few more days until it's due but I keep putting it off and I know that I'll have to do it last minute. I'm working on it little by little to try to stress less, but I don't want this to happen again. What can I do to fix this?",Stress +29270,"Mostly, I think I just want a mom. I've been struggling with anxiety really bad, and a lot of it has to do with my relationship with my boyfriend. This is my first boyfriend. He's a senior at a different college. He lives in the city that I go to school in.",Stress +48527,"Stress is insane and gives you so many grey hairs These last couple years have been extremely stressful for me and I am now 30 y/o and in 2 years, I went from 1-2 grey hairs in my beard to like 50. It is wild.",Stress +29015,"Tomorrow afternoon my four children and I are leaving my husband. After years of emotional neglected, financial control and recently added physical abuse towards my youngest. I'm scared that even after our planning we will be turned away from the refuge and have to use the little amount savings to rent a cabin. I'm scared that I'm making the wrong descion. Even though my 3 older children have developed mental illness over the past year.",Stress +28288,But right now i am scared. Tl/Dr: my kids and I are about to lose our apartment due to a sudden loss of income. Need help in the next few days to make the rent. Please help. Need at least $440 to make it,Stress +27928,"I want to move forward with my life but seem to have dug myself such a deep hole that I can't climb out. It just seems to be a vicious cycle of can't get a job because I don't have a place, get a job, can't get to job because I don't have a car or license, can't get license or car because I don't have a job. Don't even have a phone currently (this one will change soon). Can't get any assistance because I have no residency. I feel forever fucked in this spiral of shit that I myself have created but can't seem to flush.",Stress +27582,"He says he doesn’t remember this happening. But he has a short fuse as it is. He’s temperamental, out of work, depressed, has a family history of substance abuse, and was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2. I truly believed this would be “rock bottom” and serve as a wake up call to turn his life around. It wasn’t.",Stress +27816,So I have ptsd from an abusive relationship I ended about 3 years ago. When I felt healthy enough I went to therapy and did emdr and it helped and I thought i was doing well. I even moved to a different state so I could quit triggering my flashbacks a year and a half ago and haven't had a single flashback until last night. I have started dating a guy I'm pretty smitten about and last night we went out with friends and had a really good time but we also had been drinking. Something triggered me and i had a flashback and was not able to control my emotions because I had been drinking it was like I went from laughing having a good time to having a panic attack and asked him if we could leave and we did.,Stress +29856,In the last year I have developed some health problems. I started having seizures and because of them I had to miss work. Because of that I got fired. I was doing okay still while looking for another job by donating plasma. But my car got repossessed a few days ago and I haven’t been able to get there to donate.,Stress +48318,"I'm mad and sulking over a single bad date. I'm 28. Had 6 dates in my life. Never had sex before. Had 1 bad acquaintance that I needed therapy to deal with. + +I don't hate women. I don't think everything is pointless. I chat with coworkers, but I don't have a lot of friends. Ladies seem to think I'm a nice person and funny. I don't have much trouble shamelessly asking someone out. I've long thought I have enough hobbies and interests and goals to keep myself mentally stable and preoccupied. Doesn't stop everyone from saying I'm a sweet guy who just needs to be more confident, less sensitive, and wait for the right person. + +I get flustered when I meet someone flirty or shameless, but I play it off with self-deprecation and wit. + +I had a date with a coworker who was coming onto me frequently (poking me, prodding me, talking about bodily functions, giving me looks and signs and thank yous, took my phone number, called me, wishes me morning, acts like she's out of breath around me, talks about and asks me sexual questions, talks about her dating history, etc). + +She wanted to go to a Barne's and Noble's. I was 10 minutes late due to traffic and she'd shown up an hour early to give herself a headstart. + +She stood next to me, I comically volunteered to be pack mule, and we sat and read books for a while, talking in-between. She made a spa appointment at 4pm. I asked her what she wanted - 1) friendship, 2) casual sex, 3) a relationship. I wasn't good for 2 (no confidence). + +She described to me frequently about how much her previous relationships messed her up, we talked indirectly our thoughts about romance and such. + +Her answer was 1 and she said she didn't know what the future hold. + +We left and I went to a Chic-filet she'd informed me was there. Then I drove home rather than wait the hour for her appointment to finish, said I had fun, and drove home listening to Drowning Pool and Foo Fighters. + +I got home, played a video game, laid down, and fought back tears feeling every insecure and negative thought I've had about myself. This date was something I wanted and it felt like I came away with less than I started with. She said she'd text me later and didn't get around to it until much later, and even though it was a short time I felt myself getting lonelier and madder because we just weren't having the initial flirty back and forth we did before the date. + +I turned my phone off. + +Everyone is going to tell me ""there's a million fish"" and she even said ""some people just don't vibe"" but the messages are just so unclear to me right now. This isn't too long after I broke up with someone who I felt like I did vibe with. + +I just can't see myself continuing to give this much energy toward meeting someone new another 5-00 times like everybody else. I'm a sensitive person. I feel drained and hateful of everyone that dating comes so easily to even though I know that's wrong. I'm so mad we didn't click its embarassing, and I know it's not her fault. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't feel like exercising or doing anything positive. I just want to be angry. + +I guess I walked in expecting she'd throw herself at me, and I'd have the chance to be a gentleman and be like ""hey I like you, but I want to get to know you"" and she'd be like ""ah he's not just a desperate fuck, he has character."" And well that didn't happen. Instead I feel like I got read and told politely I wasn't what someone was looking for. And any attempt at friendship on my end will be a desperate act. + +I could be entirely wrong. + +I would have liked if we'd hugged at the end or made additional plans. She agreed to doing something in the near future but I didn't get any excitement out of it. Optimistically I want to say we could probably be friends. Cynically I think she's not going to reach out and I spent an hour each way driving, took a day off of work for what I wanted to be a great date - I did all of that for nothing. + +Of the 3 actual dates I've gone on after many years of rejection and indifference - the first didn't know how to tell me she wasn't interested and ghosted me for weeks, the second said sweet things about me but said she wasn't ready and was still healing from a previous relationship and said I need to be with someone who can do 50-50 in the relationship, and now this, where I felt someone coming onto me and tried to match it, and realizing at the end that I walked away in a toxic cloud of mental fog. + +I hate dating. So much. And I hate the way my brain and my emotions work. So much.",Stress +29364,"Sorry bad English Since almost 2 weeks now I've cut myself off every social interaction because I've been confronted to doubting and all that shit and I thought that was a necessary measure to take to reborn (trough introspection, my whole life since now is involved) and stop burst out of rage and being depressed from nothing And now I keep myself at the strict minimum of social interaction, 10 days that my daily conversation is limited at some words My mental health is decreasing I'm starting to struggle breath by the mouth, now I breath and speak with the nose (probably because I don't open it enough)",Stress +49248,29 and just started stress smoking Feels weird. I just crossed a line,Stress +27588,"But I still froze and cried through the entire thing. Some of the sensations brouvht me to memories of old sensations, andI felt really vulnerable, trapped, and ashamed, and I haven't been able to shake it off all day. Part of it is that we have company staying in our home; so I don't feel like I have the space to care for myself, and it just further perpetuates the shame feeling. In fact, I felt too ashamed to go home right after, and drove around for an hour and a half before I felt like I at least i wouldn't have to explain myself to my boyfriend's family. Additionally, because it's my boyfriend's family, my boyfriend has been unavailable to me all day.",Stress +28587,"He shouldn't be able to do that to anyone else. I'm just so scared. I wasn't perfect either and I'm scared people won't believe me, or he will twist it so he's the victim and I'm the bad guy, although I know what happened was wrong and I have evidence that he knows what he did was wrong. Im scared this will ruin my life, but I also can't bear the thought of him doing that to anyone else. If anyone needs details about what happened I can share",Stress +28497,She has been cheated on after being married and while pregnant and about to have her baby. She has been gone through it and knows how it feels to be hurt and lied too and said she will never do it to anyone as she’s been through it and is the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve. I completely trust my husband but this is harder then I thought. Hard because I see her messaging him everyday day as soon as she wakes up and stays talking to him on the phone too. Hard because they still want to see each other.,Stress +49103,"Is this stress? Get these weird symptoms in the morning when I wake up until mid day ish. Regardless of how much sleep I’ve had. + +-Tension all over face (mostly in head, like a small tension headache, above eye, and in jaw) + +-Keep tensing jaw and grinding teeth together + +-Losing focus + +Any help would be appreciated.",Stress +28483,"Weird title I know but I really couldn’t find any other way to describe what I’m feeling and I really struggled to think if I should post this on here or another group So for as long as I can remember I’ve always been attracted to women and only women I had absolutely no interest in men at all A few years back I had my first relationship which was really manipulative and physically abusive and I haven’t been on any dates since then Recently though (like in the last two weeks) it’s accused to me that bar an old crush from before my ex “kinda-sorta” coming back I haven’t found any women attractive at all in a while at least a year and whenever I see someone I would have normally found attractive I just get a nervous/uncomfortable feeling I can’t really describe I’m not sure if this is a response to how my ex used to get abusive if she thought I was attracted to her (like she’d insist I must want to rape her if I called her beautiful for example) and I know for a long time afterwards I felt disgusted with myself if I found someone attractive so this may just be the next step in that, like my mind doesn’t want me to feel bad for finding someone attractive so it stops finding people attractive",Stress +28900,"Every day I'd tell myself I was over this girl but I'd see her at school and instantly be reminded of how much I liked her. Every time I saw her I almost wanted to cry. Throughout the year I kept trying to ""win her back"" by forcing intimacy by telling her things about my past I'd never told anyone (never told her about being raped though). This just made her think I was weird. On the first day of summer I noticed she'd blocked me on all forms of social media and I no longer had a way to talk to her.",Stress +48949,,Stress +48495,"i have pretty much forgot all the good memories and cant make good memories anymore i don't know where to start but the thing is I have forgot everything good about my past, I realised this when I went to my school few days ago, where I studied for like 8 long years, I thought I would feel very nostalgic about it obviously because I have spent 8 whole years there with my friends, had a lot of fun, but right when I step into my school, I can't remember a single freaking thing and even if i would I gave almost no reaction at all, I didn't even smiled and that's making me sad. + +Another Situation Like The Above : + +I have got a girlfriend recently its been like 5 months and we meet in person twice or thrice in a month, and I met her yesterday too, when I am with her I pretty much enjoy everything, the feeling of hugging her, kissing her, and just doing stupid things together, but as soon as I drop her home its like all the memories just fade away, right after I drop her home I forget the feeling of huggin her, kissing her. I usually took this for granted all the time but yesterday after dropping her at her home tears started coming out of my eyes because of how much I hated this. I actually don't have anyone to talk about this with neither can I go to a therapist or whatever, can anyone please please please help me a little bit. +I will appreciate it a lot. + +In short its just like when I am doing something I will enjoy it and be present in that particular situation but as soon as I leave I am gonna forget everything about it. + +So if anyone knows what's going on with me please help.",Stress +27868,"Idk Do I tell someone? Do I just quit? Do I talk to her about what she did? Please, any advice would be really really helpful to me!",Stress +28022,And I really don't know what to do. This isn't nearly the first time he lied and there have also been other things (like him being unemployed for 6 months and not looking for a job while his parents pay foe everything and he lives with me). But I get that life can be hard and it sometimes can get you down. But I just feel like my trust is broken over and over and over again. And I don't know what to do.,Stress +49370,"Yin Yoga is a WONDERFUL Way to Regulate the Nervous System and Manage Stress I am a MA level clinical mental health counselor and was recently certified as a Yin Yoga Therapy Instructor. Though I cannot offer individualized/catered sessions, I do provide yin yoga classes on YouTube (@wildheartyogahh) as a free resource to help those who may not be able to afford help in other ways. Many people store emotional energy in the body- specifically in the fascia, since 80% of nerve pathways end in the fascia- and yin targets release of fascia and connective tissue through long (3+ min), passive holds. It is a wonderful, gentle practice, for the mind and body! Hope it can help someone. :)",Stress +48888,"How to stop the anger Hello! I get really easily stressed but my stress turns into rage really Quick. I get so angry and its stressing me out cause I will get stressed about literally anything. I get really anxious from stress but my anger is whats really destroys me because sometimes i cant control it and I will answer texts really rudely and tell them to stop talking to me, lash out on my poor partner who does nothing but help and accidentally trigger me. Its the smallest things too, he's just asking about plans for next week but im not done with this week yet so it stresses me out so much cause I feel exhausted already, but he's literally just ASKING.. I dont know what to do I feel like shit for telling him i need time to calm down when he hasnt even done anything wrong...",Stress +48546,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48994,"Invite Harmony in Life with Sound Bath Meditation! Acclaimed musician Jeralyn Glass's crystal singing bowl [concert](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42HGMnra7_k)features meditation sounds to infuse your being with gratitude, invite more harmony into your life and relieve stress.",Stress +30049,"i quickly think to check them all out in seperate windows, and i confirm again that all of the profiles had been made very recently within the past month even up to the day of adding me. it's becoming really annoying having these profiles add me, and it's just weird that they're obviousy fake but why so specifically pose as a certain kind of person and add another? stuff about me: im a lesbian so don't date older men, and i've never really hung out with anyone older than 40 so i know i can't actually know these people. and if its some weird joke; i have no daddy issues, my dad is still around and its not really a funny joke its just weird. i also note that one of the profiles, which has since disappeared, was really REALLY creepy.",Stress +29771,"I am obviously devastated. I feel disappointed, angry, sad and rejected. I'm constantly asking myself why she no longer wants to live with me. She says she wants to have her own space to go to when she wants to be at ease, ""not that she doesn't feel at ease with me, it's just different"". I tried to make her see that we're supposed to make a new home for ourselves where we will both feel at ease, but to no avail.",Stress +28001,As a result I had a total burn out. Many months ago the situation with my abuser came up between this friend and I. I explained some stuff but she said it was too overwhelming for her to hear so I never brought it up again. My response to her saying I do nothing was just explaining that I don’t tell people why I’m in this situation because it scares people. It’s often retraumatizing when I tell people and their reaction is either to get scared and shut me down or not believe me at all. Her response was that a lot of people have f’d up things they have to deal with but they still have to do stuff.,Stress +30056,"Yet my job requires me to always be reachable and the staff under me always ask me to help them, but I can't even help myself. I'm torn between wanting to be alone, wanting to reach out for help, talking to people just so I can yell and push them away. I don't know what to do. That's a lie, I think I do but I don't want to. Any effort is exhausting and I can't bring myself to fix it.",Stress +48840,"Relieve Stress? | Some simple ways to bust your stress Stress is a natural bodily response to change that causes physical, emotional, and cognitive reactions. Today most of us find ways to [relieve stress](https://www.friendlyyours.com/how-to-relieve-stress-simple-ways-to-bust-your-stress/). Let us discuss this further. + +Everyone in this fast-paced society, from young children to the elderly, experiences stress as a result of their daily activities. + +Children struggle academically, worry about exams, and experience memory loss, while teenagers and adults worry about the future, experience failed relationships, lack of job security, financial instability, and a host of other problems. + +Elderly people experience increased stress because they feel isolated, fear death and physical disease, and can’t perform their activities.  + + + +## What are the causes of stress? + +Each person has unique stresses. + +According to polls, workplace stress takes the top spot.  + +Some causes include, + +1. Unhappy with the job. + +2. Income is not enough. + +3. A heavy workload and long hours. + +4. Challenges in the workplace. + +5. Unsafe job. + +6. Bad management. + +7. Inability to meet the demands of the business.  + +8. Unable to cope with financial requirements. + +9. Job Loss + +10. Unhappy partners. + +11. Love failure. + +12. The death of loved ones. + +13. Divorce. + +14. Family members suffering from illness for a prolonged period. + +15. Looking after the old. + +16. Anxiety and depression. + +17. Uncertainty & fear. + +18. Significant life changes. + +19. Exam fear. + +20. Memory issues. + +## What are the stress symptoms? + +1. Tense or painful muscles. + +2. An upset stomach. + +3. Stomach pain. + +4. Breathing slowly. + +5. Heartbeat increases. + +6. A chest ache. + +7. Panic disorders. + +8. Problems with sleep. + +9. Headaches or dizziness. + +10. Tightening of the jaws. + +11. The immune system deteriorates. + +12. Anger, Depression, or anxiety. + +13. Deep sadness. + +14. Variations in the mood. + +15. sweaty palms. + +16. Reduced sex desire. + +17. Diarrhea. + +18. Changes in the mensural cycle. + +19. Weight changes. + +20. Raise in blood pressure. + +21. Lack of self-care. + +22. Taking drugs or alcohol. + +## What are the ways to relieve stress? / What are the stress management techniques? + +### 1. Go away: + +Make an effort to leave the stressful situation. + +### 2. Drink a glass of water: + + If you are unable to leave the tense environment, drink a glass of water. It is an easy technique to lessen stress. + +### 3. Remain Quiet: + + If you encounter unpleasant situations, try to contain your emotions. A moment of silence can help you feel less stressed. + +### 4. Check yourself in the mirror:  + +If you’re feeling anxious, just look at your face in the mirror. The tense face won’t be liked by anyone. You’ll find that your mood will alter on its own. + +### 5. Warm water bath: + +Take a warm water bath to relieve stress and relax your muscles. + +### 6. Pursed-lip breathing:  + + It is a great technique to relieve stress and anxiety. The amount of oxygen entering the body increases in this way. + +### 7. Watch funny videos:  + +Watching comedy videos can help you relax. One of the best remedies in the world to relieve stress and enhance both physical and mental health is laughter. + +### 8. Spend time with your loved ones:  + +Friends and family may be the answer to your stress problems. Spending time with loved ones is always gratifying and may help you totally unwind after the most stressful days. + +### 9. Play with pets:  + +People can’t always be there for you, but pets can. In addition to being able to keep secrets, enjoy cozy silences, and provide affection and friendship, they can also be terrific cuddlers. They might also be the most effective remedy for loneliness. + +It has been demonstrated that petting a cat causes the brain chemical oxytocin to be released, which reduces stress. The same effect can be obtained by photographing your cat. It has been demonstrated that petting a cat causes the brain chemical oxytocin to be released, which reduces stress. + +### 10. Get a Spa massage:  + +To keep your levels of stress and anxiety in check, give yourself permission to relax. For most of us, a day at the spa represents the height of relaxation. Spa services and massage therapies, which are rapid and reasonably priced, have positive effects on both mental and physical health. + +### 11. Use candlelight to relieve stress:  + +[Read More](https://www.friendlyyours.com/how-to-relieve-stress-simple-ways-to-bust-your-stress/)",Stress +48807,"Chronic stress - feeling hopeless I’ve always been an anxious person and have always had phobias, particularly of vomiting. + +In 2019 I had a nervous breakdown triggered by an adverse gastric reaction to an antibiotic. I have not been the same since. I have been in therapy and on meds ever since with no change. In fact I think I’m worse. I’m so frightened of everything. My ocd is awful. Panic attacks frequent. Tremors and shaking bad. + +I also have a lot of somatic symptoms - chronic pelvic pain with suspected endo, neck pain, TMD/teeth clenching leading to frequent migraines, IBS, back pain. I’ve just been diagnosed with oral thrush, my doctor suspects from severe stress. + +I see a physio, a TMD specialist, a psychiatrist, a therapist, I’ve tried somatic experiencing therapy, emdr, tre - I’m exhausted honestly. I journal, I read, I meditate, I cry, I dance, I walk, I get out in nature - all things I do naturally, not forced but that should help. + +I just don’t know how to break the cycle. I have no hope left. The only times in the last three years where I’ve felt the most like myself was during lockdowns. I don’t know how to use that information to help myself now. Or if I really just want to be a recluse as that’s how I ultimately feel safest which isn’t healthy at all.",Stress +48524,"How do i get over my stress and anxiety related to having to learn to drive? I live down south in a mountainous/hilly area and i find it stressing even as a passenger at times because of how winding and narrow the roads are. it's as if a normal street was cut in half. there is consistently a large amount of brush around these roads which can obscure my vision. there are also a lot of guard rails around these roads which adds to it. i am being pressured by my family to learn to drive, mainly because 10 years ago my mom got high on prescription pills as she often does and went out at 3 in the morning driving somewhere and critically injured herself, almost paralyzing herself in the process (i was told that my mother is in the .1% of people who have a full complete recovery from the type of spinal damage she incurred in her accident without any loss of mobility). i also take prescription medication, and she has begun threatening to not pick up my prescriptions anymore if i don't do this which has also added to my stress. my family tells me that i can do all sorts of fun activities outside if i have a car (which i have little to no interest in, the only reason i leave my house is for food shopping and doctor's appointments). i obviously do not live somewhere there is easily accessible public transportation, either. for the most part i'm scared of injuring myself or another person if i'm behind the wheel.",Stress +49139,"Serene Waterfalls Relax with vivid waterfall images and calming music to help manage stress, study, + +meditate, falling asleep and relieve anxiety. + +[https://youtu.be/u-qL1ZigzE4](https://youtu.be/u-qL1ZigzE4)",Stress +27386,"And it makes me more anxious which causes me to slip up *more*. It's getting WORSE though. I thought I could hold it down, this has been an ongoing issue for about a year or so and it has never been this bad but lately it's getting to the point where I can't even talk to my own MOTHER without freaking out over this shit. She came back in town from a very long half year vacation recently and I had to go to dinner with her because that's what you're obligated to do and I had to sit there and try and make small talk with my brother the whole damn night looking anxious as fuck... I know they noticed.",Stress +27613,I can't stop the ruminating thoughts about the whole process. I also can't stop the what if's or I should have done more. I keep blaming myself and beating myself up. It sometimes makes me physically sick. Do you have any tips to help alleviate the pain and stop the thoughts?,Stress +28606,"The problem is is that the kinds of mistakes I have made are the ones I can't even fix, because I won't be on shift to. I don't know what to say to be helpful, and to diffuse tensions. I am pretty sure all of my coworkers hate me. Just like everybody always has. I have already had panic attacks 3 different times at work now.",Stress +48708,"How did the pandemic change your beliefs? A friend of mine said that after the pandemic, he's started to budget a lot less to spend more money on travelling. His belief is, what's the point of saving if we all die! Funnily enough, before the pandemic, he was a cheapskate always saving and thinking long-term. Interesting to see him have changed this much. + +A part of me agrees, and of course, disagrees. For me, I have started to find different things important that weren't so before, going out for dinner with friends, and prioritising experiences over materialistic goods. Crazy to think that 2 years went by in our lives that we'll never get back and how it changed our lives and will most likely impact how we think about how we spend our money and manage it forever in the future. + +How did the pandemic change how you think of your personal finances?",Stress +48561,"How should I stop obsessing over songwriting? So I'm in a band, and as of right now we haven't made anything yet, but recently I've been really up for it about making music. As a result, I've been thinking, when I'm hanging about by myself, about what our music could sound like, and I'm pretty sure that's why I've got a headache right now. Like, a couple of hours ago I tried taking my mind off it by (for some reason) listening to one of my favourite albums and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was constantly thinking about what parts of it we should and shouldn't sound like. + +I can't see this allowing me to write anything at all ever, so in short, what should I do? also happy christmas :)",Stress +28447,"I was sexually abused when I was a kid and I suspect that I have PTSD because of it. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I have been diagnosed with agoraphobia. I rarely leave my house. I'm not really anxious about leaving my house and once I get somewhere, I'm usually fine. I just have a very strong feeling of not being able to leave my house.",Stress +48410,"Looking for participants to use a mobile app designed for students Hi dear students in this group, + +I have designed a mobile app based on research that can help you focus on priorities instead of ""short-term"" distractions in a motivational way! + +Try it for free; you will never regret it! + +I need your help to use it and evaluate it in 4 weeks. Your participation is highly appreciated. + +https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795 + +For more info, read the following Recruitment notice + +Study Title: Evaluation of a Persuasive Mobile Application for Prompting Time Management Behaviour  If you are a student (part-time or full-time) enrolled in a degree program in a higher education institution, 18 years or older, and able to access a smartphone device, you are invited to evaluate the effectiveness of a persuasive app. The app aims to persuade students to be more organized towards their tasks and study spaces.   + +First, you will be asked to give consent to do the study and respond to pre-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which consist of demographics questions, questions of your preference for organization toward your tasks and study space, level of perceived ability to control your time, and stress level. After answering the pre-survey questions and providing your email address, you will see a link to the app. By clicking the link, you will be able to download the app on your device.   + +Second, you will use the app daily by adding your daily tasks and organizing them based on their importance/urgency, marking them as complete, and engaging in social community features over four weeks. The app will send you notifications to emphasize the benefits of adhering to organizational acts and encourage you to minimize physical clutter in order to create a better-organized study space.   + +At the end of the study, you will be asked to respond to the post-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which is the same pre-survey question, including your experiences and perceived persuasiveness towards the app. The interview will be optional. There will be a question that asks you if you want to be interviewed, and by choosing “yes,” the researcher will communicate with you for an online interview which takes 15 mins. The interview will be audio recorded.   + +Your participation is highly appreciated and is completely voluntary. All data will be treated confidential and for research purposes only. You will not be asked for any personal information other than your email to connect the pre survey, post survey, and the app usage.   + +Compensation:   Participants will be entered into a prize draw to win an Amazon C$25.00 gift card (8 winners). + +If you face any difficulties downloading the app, please contact Mona Alhasani (Mona.alhasani@dal.ca). If you know people that may be interested in taking part in the study, please, send the link to them.   + +This research study is being conducted by researchers at Dalhousie University,   Ms. Mona Alhasani – Lead researcher Dr. Rita Orji – Supervisor + +To participate in the study, please click on the link: https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795",Stress +27418,I don’t know. Was this okay? Should I hate him? Or was it just something new? I really don’t know what to make of the situation.,Stress +28785,Now I want to drink till I'm drunk again and my head sounds as though there is yelling when I'm the only one home. Hmm...fun times. At least I have a drs appointment coming up soon so I can bring it up. Still. These moments suck.,Stress +28590,I feel like a become a mean monster. :( and I can’t stop or control myself and I feel this immense anxiety throughout my body as if I’m being pushed down by negativity and anyone will tell me anything even if it’s not even remotely threatening or meaning harm and I completely lash out and respond with mean things :/ and I feel soooo guilty afterwards and I don’t want to justify but it’s as if the worry/anxiety I feel in my head overtakes me and apperantly the only way to express it is through meanness :/ I’m seeking therapy guys very soon :/ because I’m hurting the ppl around me that I love and it’s not fair for them and I feel like a monster for it,Stress +28997,"I tried to tell her what I was changing and why, but she just shrugged it off and started to fall asleep. It really bothered me because I was genuinely trying to help her. Overall, I am really conflicted about this whole ordeal. When we tell her things she doesn't understand or want to hear when it comes to jobs, she blows up on us. We have both had multiple jobs and written many drafts of resumes and cover letters.",Stress +48376,just want to stop stressing about money. I’m so tired of this. Being financially unstable is not the way to live,Stress +29042,"there are guards you have to ask for everythig and the other people who live there - while most are ""ok"" some either look like trouble or actually give trouble. . In theory I would have moved to the capital and taken up fitness instructor course and applied for an education. only my GPA is bad even though I took higher level classes than requirred. so I need to fix my study habits and I need to either sue my dad or find closure with him and cut him out of my life.",Stress +29866,"Update - Thanks all, I have calmed down a bit now. Will sleep on it and hopefully tackle with a clearer head tomorrow. --- **tl;dr**: Found out from stranger on Facebook my partner is most likely going to leave me, feel betrayed she posted it on a public forum like Facebook. Right now feeling useless, am introverted and quiet by nature so I don’t have much of a support network.",Stress +29372,"Have been living with seizures for about 6 years now, trying to remain well let alone be successful but lack support not only in my family but also in the medical community. I've been trying to move across the country to Salem, OR for the past couple months, thinking that I could better manage my medical condition there and thrive, but I've been paying into housing that is falling through at the beginning of Nov. I'm eating my non-existant bank account and running ramped in my mind trying to figure all of this out. Advice needed. Please.",Stress +48887,"Daily habits for a less stressful life Everyone wants less stress. And that is why in this post I will talk about daily habits for a less stressful life. I myself apply these habits every day in my life. So everything I talk about comes from my own experience. Once you apply the methods in this post regularly they will eventually become habits. At first it may be difficult to apply these methods because it may all feel a little strange. But once you experience the positive effects you will find enough motivation to continue. + +WHY YOU NEED TO CREATE DAILY HABITS FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE + +Most people do a lot in a day. And that can be incredibly wonderful, but it can also cause a lot of stress. And stress is not always bad for you. It can sometimes help you get the best out of yourself. But long-term stress can be very bad for your health. For example, it can cause your immune system to deteriorate, making you more likely to get sick. But it can also cause you to become irritable and your mood to deteriorate. Ultimately, it can also cause you to have almost no energy or motivation left to do things. In addition to the aforementioned consequences of long-term stress, there are many more consequences that you don’t want to have either. And to reduce the risk of these consequences it can be helpful to create habits for a less stressful life. + +FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE + +Sometimes people get a lot of stress because they get lost in thoughts. To prevent you from overthinking and getting stressed, it is useful to sometimes focus on your breathing. For example, if you are busy working or studying, remind yourself to focus on your breathing once every 10 minutes. You don’t have to breathe differently! Just let your breathing flow naturally but focus on it for a moment. Feel the air go in and out. + +MEDITATION IS ONE OF THE DAILY HABITS FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE + +Meditation can help you unwind completely. You can meditate by sitting down and focusing on your breathing. As guidance you can say to yourself ¨in¨ when you inhale and ¨out¨ when you exhale. Then as your breathing gets deeper and slower you can say “deep” and “slow” to yourself. + +MAKE A DAILY HABIT OF GOING OUTSIDE FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE. + +The environment you are in can affect how much stress you experience. Suppose you are in an environment where you are constantly receiving signals that cause stress. Such as phone calls, emails, or other things that remind you of stressful situations. Then it can be useful to get away from this situation for a while. And preferably it can be useful to go to a park, forest, lake or sea. Because in these environments there is often a lot of space and there are few or no things that cause stress. + +WALK MINDFULLY + +And when you’re walking, pay attention to your footsteps and your breathing. Inhale and take, for example, three steps. And then when you exhale, take another three steps. Also feel how your feet touch the ground. This mindful way of walking gets you out of your head and into the moment. + +GO EXERCISE AND FEEL THE STRESS DISAPPEAR + +Being physically active is incredibly important. But it’s also incredibly helpful to exercise if you want to release stress. I myself really feel the stress disappear when I exercise. And if I’ve trained really hard I’m sometimes so tired that I don’t even feel like stressing about anything anymore haha. You don’t necessarily have to train super hard. The stress can also disappear during an easy workout. Or go for a jog while listening to your favorite music and feel the stress disappear. + +HELP YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY + +I wish you much success in applying these methods for a less stressful life. Hopefully you can apply them so often that they become habits in your daily life. But I do want to ask you one more thing. I suspect that you have friends and family who also sometimes suffer from long-term stress. You can help these friends and family by sending them this post. And maybe you can start creating these habits together which will make it a lot easier for both of you. Because working together on something ensures that you motivate each other. + +[(Originally from this blog post)](https://quintenvanommen.com/daily-habits-for-a-less-stressful-life/)",Stress +28924,"It stuck with me. It made me realize I wasn't as happy as I thought. After that my confusion took over. I drank, got high, made friends. I knew I was a mess but was working on it.",Stress +29301,"We talk about it a lot and we're on the same page on most of things. This just isn't what I've come to discuss, so if it's not intimacy-related, you needn't (and I discourage you to) advise on that. :) Don't worry, we do not take the difference lightly. --- **tl;dr**: Sexually unexperienced longing for sex with long time partner, probably years away from it because he wants to wait till marriage.",Stress +48628,"Meditation to Ease the Stress of Sadness Find relief from a heavy heart, which can trigger stress and racing thoughts. This [guided meditation](https://youtu.be/qVZNh6d7tnI)will help you explore the emotion of sadness in the hopes that you can learn from it and let it go.",Stress +49116,"[Academic] (NEED for class )Survey about mental health issues for college students with and without head injuries/TBI **This survey is for a research project at Maryville University, examining psychological and cognitive differences that college students with/without head injuries are experiencing. It should take no more than 20 minutes to complete. Only requirement is that you are enrolled in college courses and 18 or older.** + +[https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU](https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU) + +&#x200B; + +Thank you in advance!! :)",Stress +49168,"Free Covid-19 Anxiety e-Workbook. Please, take care of yourselves and of each other. See text for link. The book is available [Here](https://thewellnesssociety.org/free-coronavirus-anxiety-workbook/) from The Wellness Society. Everyone right now needs a little extra help and hopefully, this e-book can assist some of you in uncovering the toolset you need during this abnormal time, or at least it might help with bridging the gap between now and when you may be able to seek more professional assistance. Obviously, it's not a solution to all problems, and some of you are going to be going through a lot more than others, but I hope many of you can find it useful. +Stay safe, stay healthy.",Stress +27400,"Why would you say that to me"" and gets extremely offended. He continues on by giving me the silent treatment for 50 minutes and then comes in the room and tells me ""You don't understand me. No one understands me. I give up. On everything.""",Stress +48311,"Stress after coming home Guys I really need your help. I don't know when it started but here it is. When I am in college studying and having fun with friends, its great. I am even quiet popular in group. But when I leave from there I don't know but I just stress a lot. I do have situation where my talk is cut off, in a normal way as everyone else's does. but I cant get over it. + +And other things which I don't even know make me stress. and then I start overthinking and cant do nothing. i might start to bit nails, scratching skin during the stress. + +After like an hour or two are passed, i am normal and very productive and enjoy it. + +Please I need help.",Stress +30032,"He tells everyone we’re his life. My family victim blames and they’re are ok with a multi millionaire pedophile in the family. So they’re disgusting and no help. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’ll try to kill me one day. I’m moving soon if I can get a damn plan together to his parents, they understand he’s crazy, but he really messes with my head.",Stress +48878,"Does talking about it make it worse? I realised the more I share with friends how I am feeling, all the things I talk about gets aggravated and become all the more stronger over time. + +Even when the friends and family are supportive and have tried their best and I understand everything they say, it’s difficult to adapt.",Stress +49131,"Im at my wits end I just got home and im angry again. I got angry violently angry a couple of times earlier today. I am much happier when i spend time away from home. Much happier. But when i come home its like storm clouds gather and sends me to a state that I need an escape from. I don't drink smoke or do any drugs and under the conditions it is a miracle. But I am tired of getting angry. I have little to no money. I can try to get an apartment but it will be tough. I am thinking of renting a motel until I get more money or airbnb. I just need space. Otherwise my hair will be grey. + +Also when i say angry, I never express it towards my mother. But her behavior pisses me off everyday and i have done nothing but treat her with the maximum level of respect and consideration. Instead of appreciating that and recognizing her behavior she instead chooses to exploit my empathy and bring stress drama and manipulation. I don't live for free at home. I pay in peace of mind. Every interaction is a peace of mind sacrifice. I was feeling happy and then she came to the car and brought drama. Now I need to recover and due to the constancy nature of this I need a punching bag. I am tired of having to be sadistically emotionally responsible. I want to let loose and be. I just need to courage to say enough is enough and just fucking leave. I felt tired before I arrived and in less than five minutes I am now on the verge of another bout of ranting in a quiet place, hitting shit, and not being able to sleep. Should I go and get a hotel tonight and hust say fuck this shit.",Stress +29381,"I desperately need a car and found a great opportunity but the previous owner died of a heart attack in it. Thats my number one cause of anxiety, the fear of heart attacks. He was relatively healthy and young. I feel like a big idiot for not taking it. But I have vivid nightmares of me having heart attacks then I wake up with a panic attack that lasts hours.",Stress +48319,"nonstop anxiety throughout the whole day. now i have a nightmare which was never this intense and emotional. i’m feeling that my lens of the world disappeared and my old self is not here anymore. why do i experience these things? so for context ive had an abusive dad growing up, and everyday living with him changed me. i feared getting yelled at for doing kid things, getting suffocated because i was crying. thinking about that now makes me mad of what i have to go through, but now i put that behind me. recently i’ve been stressed because of my bf and that internal problem just led up to more things, such as my purpose in life, who i want to be, and just self doubt. i feel like i’m not surrounding myself with the right people because i think they’re taking advantage of me, and are extremely careless to me. besides people, i’ve been feeling numb to the world. i feel like a robot and other peoples true self are showing a lot more. it feels like i’m high except.. i’m not high. the smaller things in my head stands out more like the noise outside my window. i’m usually not concentrated on that, but my brain picks it up more easily like i’m more aware of these things happening. my surroundings feels a lot different from usual. but i know myself when i’m completely normal versus when i’m out of it. there’s some people from reddit that told me i had an experience of depersonalization. i smoked before to get rid of some stress, and smoking mildly i know will not make me feel this way. the stress is overwhelming me and i feel trapped. but right now i had a vivid nightmare and it’s about the people in my real life. it affects me more and it’s the first time i’ve experience an actual nightmare. i usually don’t remember my dreams and i move past it, but this time it gave me a lot of stress, i remember the whole plot and context, the whole energy of it, and it’s scaring me. + +my feelings overall and what i’m experiencing, +-not in my body +-high but i didn’t smoke (outside of my body) +-stress throughout the day and night +-restless and pressure against my chest +-no appetite (i’ve been eating a small meal once a day now.. it’s barely anything) +-insomnia (which 2 weeks ago, everything was normal) +-paranoia +-a bunch of thoughts on my mind (usually negative) +-no meaning in life and sadness. like an empty or sort of numb feeling +-realization that’s talking or texting feels a lot different, it wasn’t the same normal feeling from before, it felt +like i changed in way that isn’t permanent.. i hope) +-nightmare (which kind of made me realize that there’s something i’m going through that isn’t normal at all, i’ve been through some shit but i’ve never had an actualt nightmare with a plot and this intense before, it lasted about an hour until i woke up) +-my period is late, and for the past 4 months of tracking it, it hasn’t been late before. + +i want to stop feeling this way and to not overthink as much. what do i do?",Stress +28500,"I’m trying to make up for it by doing digital drawings of people’s pets. I’m pretty good at them and it’s very fun to do but I can’t do them fast enough to keep up with the bills. I tried to pick up shifts at the hospital(primary job), but all 8 shifts have been closed due to low census. I’m still several hundred short for rent and I don’t know what else to do. Everything is due Sunday July 1st.",Stress +29274,She thinks instead I should ask if I can read him how it has impacted me since this has happened. I don't know what to do. It's coming up so quickly and I'm feeling a twinge of anxiety as it gets closer. I keep telling myself I did everything I possibly could and that I should do what feels right to me even if it means I may feel like I'm going backwards at times. I also have to make a decision on if I want a permanent restraining order or a non violent contact order.,Stress +28982,"It is thus counterproductive to do so, when I could just go to work. I am trying to get a better job. Trust me, I am *trying. * The issue is that I have a huge gap in my employment history where I was more or less spending every single day giving my grandmother 3 insulin shots a day, cooking 2 meals for her, cleaning her apartment and running her to and from doctor's appointments and to the hospital. That was a full time job in and of itself.",Stress +48582,"What's the hardest part about staying positive? Hey reddit, I’m working on a project and am curious everyone’s thoughts. What's the hardest about **staying positive** when nothing seems to be going your way?",Stress +27508,One of the couples has a four-year-old daughter. We live in a two bedroom apartment. I constantly have to do shit for these people. One of the wives scolds me constantly and tells me I need to show more respect for my parents. They leave needles out everywhere and when I inevitably step on one I'll probably end up with an STD.,Stress +48801,"How do I over come this This probably the worst week i had till date in my life. +It all started last Thursday i didn't arrive to my job at the right timings because of rains and traffic delays, kept forgetting some jobs and had to work Sundays to stay up-to-date, made a mistake which will cost me around 200usd, stress at its peak, a girl i really like just quit her job to pursue education, i was tested positive for covid and then i got tested again it was luckily negative but i have fever and cough no salary yet because I opted to change my home branch to another and it's not yet completed and i have a shit Ton of work again now why me?.",Stress +28855,"Sorry for the super long post but I don't want to tell my mom all this and most of my friends don't know I feel like this almost all the time. I take my medicine for social anxiety every morning and I go to counseling every few weeks, but I've been to a counselor four or five different times over the years and I'm still the same. I think I might be stuck like this. I honestly doubt anyone read this far but if you did, hello! TL;DR freshman year of high school, I'm super anxious about pretty much everything especially PE and disappointing my family by not coming out on top",Stress +27842,"I love her too, but I am super paranoid about the whole deal. Current situation: We both confessed that we love each other, but I won’t be going back to my home country for another 6 months. Because of my past toxic relationship I fear things will change between us, we’ll get into fights/have trust issues etc. Problem: Should I get into a LDR with her, or we should continue being best friends( which would be hard because she has already very clearly confessed she loves me) problems are: 1.",Stress +28702,I was completely on my own by 14. When she felt the cuts on my wrists in the dark on night she asked if I was cutting ? I said no and she never said anything again. I could go on and on. I think she truly believes that because I am an adult now that all the screw ups all the pain I have been through is my own fault.,Stress +48857,I go back to college in 2 weeks and I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to pay off my unpaid balance before registration for the upcoming semester ends. Title says it all. I’m beyond stressed because even if I am able to pay the money it won’t be until the day before registration ends and even then I would have already missed a whole week of classes and be behind. I asked them if I could instead have a payment plan and still be able to register for classes for this upcoming semester while paying off the unpaid balance for last semester and they said no. I’ve been working everyday at my job and just putting it towards the balance but it seems like nothing is enough. College is a scam,Stress +48501,"2023 sucks so much for me right now. My PC suddenly stopped working, the computer shop guy possibly scammed me, and last night, I was in the middle of a (possibly) gang shooting. I never thought I would see a gunman shooting in public, but there he was, pointing in my direction (possibly at a fleeing car that flew past me). Like, shit man, why is all this stuff happening to me all of the sudden.",Stress +48733,"Do you experience stress? Our Personalized Trial for Stress Management will provide eligible participants with a Fitbit and guided mindfulness meditation, yoga, and brisk walking for easy in-home monitoring and health tracking. + +This study will last 18 weeks, and participants will have the opportunity to win a weekly lottery pending their adherence to study procedures.   + +To learn more about and check eligibility for this study you can visit our website: [https://www.personalizedhealth.org/](https://www.personalizedhealth.org/fatigue)stress + +Questions? Contact us: +[personalizedtrials@northwell.edu](mailto:personalizedtrials@northwell.edu) +646-995-8958",Stress +27616,"Both of these were poor choices. It just exacerbated the situation. I had vases, game controllers, tv remote, coffee mugs, etc thrown at me on varied encounters. This is not an exaggerated list.. I tried to leave and she blocked the door with her body, threatening to kill herself on one such occassion.",Stress +49161,"I'm over-reacting all the time Like thousands of people in the last two years, I've had a lot of stress. Lost my father, a job, and a dog. Had a heavy load of family dysfunction. Moved cities and found the isolation of the pandemic really tough. Now I find I am in high stress mode all the time. I over-react. Small things irritate me. I feel exhausted. I took a four-day break a couple of weeks ago and it really helped, and I felt my more reasonable and patient self returning. But now the impatient, over-reactive mindset is back and dominating my life. My job is busy and demanding, but I've always managed in the past. Not sure if I am stressed or depressed. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.",Stress +29729,"He has made me eat until I literally threw up, then forced me to eat my vomit. He plays mental games that are pure torture. He knows how to break me down mentally until I just become ruined for a period of time. He will point guns at me. He made me play Russian Roulette (turns out the gun wasn't loaded but he used a hand trick to make it appear loaded.",Stress +30026,"She does dissociate and is on all kinds of psychiatric meds. One day she loves me the next day she hates me. I really don't know what to do, I moved down south to be with her and so I have no friends or family here. She suffers from agoraphobia so we never leave the house. Its also her place so Im scarred she is going to kick me out, she has used that against me in the past, it makes me feel very vunrable and scared.",Stress +49239,Life is stressing I’m about to turn 17 and I just got my license I put a job application in for a grocery store because I knew I needed money for gas and car insurance but what I wasn’t expecting was the fact I’m not gonna be able to afford gas money if I pay for insurance so now I have to find a high end paying job just to get by I’m so stressed and scared and I didn’t realize life was this unforgiving I knew I would need to pay for bills and taxes and all this but minimum wage is just not enough you can’t survive off that I can’t even work for 10$ an hour and survive so now I’m waiting on a call from my father to try and get a landscaping job that should pay way more but I’m still gonna barely have anything I thought growing up was freedom and it was supposed make you feel happy but I feel nothing but regret sadness and fear I hope it gets better I’m only 17 and I feel like I’m 80 a tip to those who are younger who might see this SAVE.YOUR.MONEY all of it,Stress +27484,This has made me really question where I am and if I should be staying put. Sort of if where I was was right I wouldn't be feeling like this is now. I'm not thinking I should leave for the sake of being single to see someone else but maybe if I'm not as happy as I thought I should be leaving for me to have some time and space to do things on my own. Any suggestions reddit? **tl;dr my crush on my driving instructor is making me think about leaving my boyfriend**,Stress +49255,"I feel bad I’ve have my puppy for over a week. He’s adorable and such a sweetheart but I feel bad because I can’t take care of him. My mental health is over the roof and he’s pushing every bit of it when I put him before me because that’s what I end up doing. I put him first making sure he grows up to be a good obedient boy but I forget about me. I feel so bad. I love him so much and I don’t wanna give him away but I know I have to. I haven’t been going to the gym anymore, I’m working more hours, and I still have school to focus on. I hate how hard it has to be.",Stress +48794,"Anyone else feeling tingles on scalp? Recently I’ve been feeling a tingle sensation on the top of my head. I read that it’s linked to stress and anxiety. + +Anyone else get that aswell?",Stress +48920,"I feel anxious if I'm not studying at the moment and I can't rest at ease Hey! Just need some help managing my stress. + +I'm a middle schooler. My parents never forced me to study. I get decent grades. But I never seem to be satisfied with the amount of work I'm putting in. I'm always anxious, and I'm always thinking that I have to study. + +And If I'm taking a break, lying on the couch, or watching Youtube, I can't be at ease because I still feel like I haven't worked enough and I have to do more. + +I don't particularly like my studies, and sometimes I need a break. But I can't relax because of this. The stress from this pressure is also affecting my physical health, so I thought that I really need some help. + +Anyone got any ideas on how to fix this? Thanks for reading.",Stress +29246,"I feel like I just keep digging a hole for myself, and its my fault I'm in there. With work I get emails about updates to projects and I usually these days don't reply, and submit what I have worked on minutes prior to my meetings. Which always results in a pissed off boss really. Then I feel even worse and my ocd comes back telling me that I'm a horrible person and everyone hates me. Its a weird tick, I don't know how to describe it.",Stress +27403,"I'm worried I have a blood clot or something that gets aggravated when I wear them. I just want to be okay and to have a good time on this trip, but I've been so out of it, and I'm at my wit's end. Right now I'm lying down and I feel blood rushing all through my head, and bulging of blood vessels around my nose. I'm extremely sleep deprived and woozy but I'm scared to go to sleep and am in pain. I'm so scared.",Stress +49064,"I need somone to chat with Yo guys! I need somone to chat with cuz no one listen to me and hear what i say. I like to talk about my favorite things, and i have stress too. All i need is somone to chat a bit. Nothing else. Thank you!",Stress +30024,"What do I do? --- **tl;dr**: My fiance completely cuts himself off from our son and me and sulks for days if his sports teams lose. I am tired of having to plan our lives around his teams and cancel plans when they lose, but he doesn't see a problem. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I can't keep doing this.",Stress +27782,"Being in there was hell, I cried most of the first few days. I was very disoriented, couldn't sleep, the windows had metal grates over them. The bathrooms were locked and you had to ask for permission to use the toilets. While I was waiting to use the toilet the nurse came in my room and grabbed the door out of my hands forcefully and I didn't let go (I think its my right to use the bathroom when I need to). She then came back with a bunch of men and they held me down to the bed, pulled down my pants and gave me a shot in the butt of some sedative.",Stress +48513,"I just- Paid for a “massage” so id stop feeling so lonely. It actually helped a bit. We had a moment where we were just relaxing. It was the best part of it. + +Crazy how in a world full of billions of people you can feel so alone. I find that to be ludicrous. Don’t you? + +Something is seriously wrong in the world.",Stress +27953,My nephew came over today and he has a bunch of bug bites on him. His mother is insisting they are flea bites but i posted pictures earlier and was told they look like bed bug bites. Idk what to do. I'm having a mental breakdown or something. I already have crippling depression and this is breaking me.,Stress +48719,"Stress won't let me sleep properly TL;DR: Can't sleep due to stress. Example for today is waiting on a person to send their part of a group project and it likely won't be sent until the morning but can't turn off my brain to sleep tonight because I want to finish all objective for today and then I can sleep. Need help to fix this way of thinking. + +Whenever I become stressed I either don't sleep or keep on waking up every hour roughly for a good while and then ultimately wake up in the morning absolutely exhausted. Take today for example I'm laying in bed stressed over a college assignment because I'm still waiting for one member to send his part to me so it can be added to the PowerPoint. It's due tomorrow evening and instead of just accepting I'll have to wait for it to be sent to me tomorrow morning or afternoon all I can think is ""I want to have it now so I can finish the project and then turn my brain off."" I can't turn my brain off until all objectives are done for that day. The objective was to submit this group project and since how I can't do it I've started stressing out and thus now I can't sleep. I hate that I'm like this and just want help on how to solve this flawed way of thinking.",Stress +29326,"I've been trying to act like nothing happened but I can't stop thinking about all this. I feel weird that i'm even thinking about it so much. I should just brush it off. Everyone keeps telling me I should go for it. Even my guy friends, which I assumed would agree with me feeling gross about all this.",Stress +48911,drawing is stressing me out but I don't know what to do with my life,Stress +49434,Anxiety Relief https://anxietyreliefrings.co.uk,Stress +30162,"I am quite introverted and the broken friendship I had with my previous roommate made me feel very anxious, so I moved into an apartment on my own. I love living alone, but when I have severe anxiety attacks it becomes lonely and almost unbearable. I sometimes think so much that it feels like I am going crazy. I have terrifying thoughts and I make up scenarios in which I have some terrible condition, or I am dying. My parents know that I have anxiety, but never took it too seriously.",Stress +29788,"I clean the living room everyday. I take care of the kids, dinner, homework, put to bed, wash all the bottle stuff at night. I try to make our bed everyday, but have been slacking on that lately. I clean our room (although not nearly as often as I should), I take out garbage, I wash the counters and oven. I ask him to do the kitchen, which sometimes takes days for him to get to.",Stress +28906,"We will get through this and I am determined, even it means going to a shelter, to get affordable housing, so i never end up in this situation again! Ive been financially abused in small ways for almost a year, paying more than my share, while he saved. Being forced into buying a computer we couldnt afford then had it thrown at me every fight due to credit card he continuously used (kept under 1k) I also was forced to be precise on where i put things especially when cleaning as to not disrupt him. He hid snacks and 420 from me when I did most of the purchasing.",Stress +29366,"I don't know what to do. The police are no help as I'm usually tossed in the squad car and questioned like a fucking criminal because ""why would she lie?"". I can't keep the 2400 a month in child support up because I can't get a job (I usually make 3000 a month net) and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be homeless in a few days. All I want is to help my daughter and make sure she's safe and I've run out of ideas. Anything you kind folks could think of would be greatly appreciated.",Stress +29725,"So I let myself get sucked in and... The incident that occured was that I threw a fit - my arms and legs thrashing in all directions. I had no idea what was happening, I came out of it terrified and there was one guy left in the room. This guy told me I was possessed by an evil spirit. I remember thinking, he felt ""off"".",Stress +30035,"He explained that he didn’t think it was such a big deal that he disclosed such personal information about me without my permission to his friends then he tried to flip it and said it was no different then a time I canceled plans with a friend and told them the reason was because he, Tom was sick with the flu and I was going to stay in and take care of him. How is me honestly explaining that the reason I would have to cancel on a friend because my boyfriend is sick, the same as him giving away very detailed information about our sex life plus other very personal traumas that I experienced without my permission? I feel like he’s trying to gaslight me and I’m seeing a side to him I’ve never seen. I’m honestly thinking about ending things with him over this. TL;DR my boyfriend told his friends VERY detailed information about our sex life plus other personal things about my life without my permission and I feel so betrayed but he’s trying to act like it’s no big deal.",Stress +29116,"Can anyone else suggest any other resources that would be available to her? Her message to me: $585 rent $180 electric $110 auto and rental insurance policies, $45 phone, $40 laundry, $200 gas, $60 preschool, $72 sitter, $27 medical insurance, $27 Kohl's card, $25 towards CHILD'S medical bill- since EX-FIANCE hasn't had her insured nor paid a dime in child support, and whatever $ for groceries and $ for bathroom items and household/cleaning supplies $20-$25 Zumba, $12-24 Pound Fit and you've gotta figure in $28 oil change every 3,000 miles (I drive 200-300 miles per week) , and CHILD needs new clothes size 5t and shoes size 11 (need to go have her fitted/measure them soon) and I really need some new dress clothes for work and clothes for outside work and new pajamas and shoes. Its just a lot with my income and no other income or assistance whatsoever. I'm flat broke and we need food and I need gas.",Stress +28095,"Today we had a really bad fight and she’s at home while I’m outside... I don’t think I can go back anymore and I have nowhere to go, with the very little money I have on me and only the vaguest sense of what to do. I’m an 18 year old non binary and have had a shitty relationship with my mom ever since my dad left when I was 8. I live in a drug heavy area that is riddled with gangs and is definitely not safe at night. Shelters nearby are full, I don’t have a car, and no friends or family to turn to.",Stress +28838,When we are at work we joke around but we all do that. I feel so ashamed. I want to hear your opinion on the fact am i to blame? Was it my fault because something like this happened? **tl;dr**: Something delicate happened between me and my collegue,Stress +28990,">Like, I budget and we are responsible but the rent and bills and then gas and medical costs are so high we just cant do it >Im even studying coding to try and fight out of poverty but even thats tough because I am always at a physically demanding job >And the ""good"" resources cost money I dont have >I havent seen my family in two years. I have a niece growing up not knowing me because I cant afford to even miss a day of work let alone a week to visit them",Stress +48837,"stress related hair loss Idk, if this even comes under what the sub is for, and I'm sorry if it isn't. I just really dont know where else to ask or where else I should put this. This is also kind of embarrassing to say, but anyways. So basically I deal with anxiety and stress. We also recently just moved countries and it's a new start and everything so idk, if that's maybe what's causing this. But because of stress I've been experiencing MAJOR hair loss, like i mean I shed like HUGE clumps of hair at a time, and it happens throughout the day. And when i take a head shower, the whole drain is basically filled with like so much hair i could make a wig out of it, LITERALLY I'm not kidding or lying. And ik some people will say it's just hair and everything, but i luv taking care of it, and the health of my hair is kind of very important to me, so it stresses me out even more thinking abt it. And I've tried multiple hair products and everything, but no product seems to be helping. Is anyone experiencing this too? Or has anyone experienced this before? If so could u pls tell me what u did or any tips and advice, cuz i really really do need it. + +Sorry for the big para rant, and I'm sorry ik this might be quite boring to read, and it might be stupid to right this para under this subreddit, sorry abt that, i just really need help and dont know where else to put this.",Stress +49259,"Stress caused health issues. So all this started for me back at the end of January. I went to my dermatologist and had a biopsy done. I freak out for a about a week and test results came back clean. The. I went two weeks later because a scab grew on my chest. I got that check out and came back clean. During this time I was freaking out.. stress, worrying, and couldn’t sleep. All this lead to other health issues. I started to have pain in my lower back which shot through my entire body. It was until recently I started to get a burning sensation in my stomach. I went to my dr and he said it was due to stress. I got put on medication to take care of it hoping it works… has anyone else gone through this before? All this happen under one month.",Stress +28303,"I am starting a full time job over the summer and will be financially set starting in June. May is going to be very hard for me. My rent is 785, I have other bills as well as purchasing groceries. I can pay rent but will be without any money for 2 weeks after that I will be unable to buy food or pay my electric bill. If anyone could help I would be eternally grateful...i feel so bad asking for anything but I just don't know what to do....",Stress +49151,"Tranquil Island Relaxation Relaxation for meditation, deep sleep, and anxiety/stress relief. Hope this video brings light and health to your present situation. + +[https://youtu.be/S8qS10Qh8OI](https://youtu.be/S8qS10Qh8OI)",Stress +28070,"However, this was 5 months ago and I have heard nothing about the referral. Things are going downhill (not with my eating, which is good! ), but my PTSD symptoms are loud. I'm not sleeping, my self harm has escalated and I'm struggling to leave my house. I'm also just about to lose my job because the company I work for is going under.",Stress +27927,"She still invites me to things and hasn't started dating anyone else (or even talked about it), but frankly, I'm starting to feel kind of pathetic asking her to hang out after she turned me down for the date. I do like her as a friend, but have started thinking of her as more than that and it's hard for me to ignore that when we spend time together. It's even starting to affect my self-esteem a bit, because usually if someone turns me down (no matter how reasonable the excuse) I just move on to someone else and spend less time with them, but it's a bit harder when that person is already your friend. My questions are: should I just give up on the potential of a romantic future with this person, or is it possible she's still feeling things out (like she says)? And regardless of this, should I start spending less time with her/stop inviting her to things (even if just for my own sake)?",Stress +48790,Our life is one big ball of stress and I’m overwhelmed! Our lives are in turmoil due to many factors but lately my husband’s concussion and brain injury issues have completely put a stretch on our stress limits. I’m not sure where to go or what to do. He’s very upset over his situation and feels like I don’t understand which of course I do not understand it completely but I have a different set of stressors related to this situation. The problem is that our lives had a lot of stress prior to his injury so it’s just too much. I try not to let on how stressed I am because he obviously is in a worse state that me. He won’t talk about things much and when I try to help him he says I’m making it worse and smothering him. He feels that because I have a background working with people with developmental issues I should just know what to do for him but it is way different when it’s your husband versus a client. I just need to help alleviate some stressors in our life- where do i start!,Stress +48509,"I feel stuck somehow I’m (16) doing my IGCSE exams in a few months, mocks in 2 weeks and I know I’m smart, I know I have the ability to get through it but I get so stressed thinking about it that I just freeze and feel like crying. I grind my teeth and bite my tongue I don’t want to be an utter failure at life. I’m scared of amounting to nothing because I want to do many things, I’ve always had high expectations for myself. I’m tired, I’m scared and I don’t know how to end this cycle and actually do my work. I take to long to sleep and keep waking up, my back always hurts, my neck hurts like crap whenever I see people with good grades because I feel like my grades would be lower and I hate being academically inferior. I feel like I’m going to fail anyway so might as well ignore it and enjoy my time and I know it’s wrong but I am so scared and I don’t know why.",Stress +29062,"I have to talk to him and make nice, and pretend its ok, but I feel unsettled and on edge around him. I guess I don't know what to do, it's a complicated situation, and I feel that I'll never get the ""real talk"" I'd like to have with him, or any sort of apology. He seems rather narcissistic, not as bad as my own father, but enough to not want to admit his wrong doing and own up to it. Is this something I can get over on my own while still around him? Am I over exaggerating?",Stress +28348,"I can't go anywhere without and inhaler and I tested positive for asthma even though I've never had an issue before all this happened. I'm on busphar, celexa, and atomoxetine and I've been on them longer than the hallucinations and such. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should go to get psychiatric help but now that I'm in college and only working part time I'm scared of not being able to pay the doctor bills. I don't know what to do.",Stress +48653,"Ridiculous things you stress about Today I stressed about giving not perfectly clean glass of water to the technican that came to our house two-three weeks ago. It was my fault that I didn't pay enough attention at that moment, and now this thing keeps haunting me down almost every day for a brief moment 😞. +Anyone else has these silly long-lasting regrets?",Stress +29982,The thoughts that have been pouring into my head theses past few days are terrifying. I wonder what driving my car off the side of the freeway would feel like. The relief that would come at the end. I feel so hopeless & I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish I had a gaping wound so I could go into the hospital and they could fix me.,Stress +29707,"My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, he's in college and he wants to work to have extra spending money, his friend who works at a restaurant said that he'd help him get a job there. The staff at this restaurant are at least 90% female and I'm not really okay with this, I don't know what to say to him about it so I haven't mentioned the thing about other girls, but I have expressed that I would rather he not get a job. My family is from Chile and my father had an investors Visa and that is how we got to the US, my parents are very well off and I have told my boyfriend that I'd be completely fine with financially supporting him at least even just while he's in school, and he said he still wants a job ""for the social aspect as well"". Which kinda seemed odd to me, why would he want job for the social aspect even if he doesn't need the money? When the job is at a place that is over 90% female?",Stress +29605,"So I'm currently in a decision if I suffer from social anxiety or not. If I can I will ask ny step mom tonight as we like to watch TV at night diwn stairs with a cuo of tea but thats if she doesn't go to bed straight away. I know I'm too scared and will just freeze up to ask her to stay down. I want to tell my step mom because I know she will tell my dad, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone else accept for my nan. I'm in a really tough situation right now as I want to see a doctor or therapist about this but I need to tell someone first.",Stress +49130,"I’m unable to sleep without focusing on my heart beats it’s making it hurt and stressed me out all night I keep catching myself falling asleep while not focusing on it and get excited. And end up being able to sleep +How can I make myself stop thinking about this? +And stop stressing about it? +I tried the deep breathing technique and it didn’t work",Stress +28802,"I meant this stuff, and I think I still sort of do. The reason I've been so angry recently is just the general stuff with my family, but also my dad specifically. He's been awful to me in the past couple of days, everything I say or do no matter how good I'm trying to be is bad and horrible and stupid, and if I disagree with him even slightly he gets angry. But I think I might deserve it. I feel like a bad person.",Stress +49180,I'm at max stress levels At this point I'm not sure if I'm getting sick or if the stress is taking a toll on my body. I've been getting muscle aches every once in awhile over the last 2wks and my body feels so stiff. I've mostly been using tik tok to distract me but it doesn't help with the stress,Stress +29952,"I can recall one situation where I was accused of taking her credit card (I was 6 years old and before we had computers), the one she left in store, so decided to ransack my bedroom, destroying most of the gifts I got the Christmas. This resulted in being given a crumpled, unapologetic five-pound note. No sorry, nothing said, just the silence and dark stair. From a young age I was subjected to social seclusion, I was not allowed to hang out with any of the local kids in my town. Apparently, they were all ‘bad’ children and believed I would be influenced by them resulting in becoming, well I am not to sure what she expected.",Stress +27708,"7) what if there arent enough houses for all the people in this world? ( yes..seriously) we have never lost him, he has never been stung by a bee, we do not have the news on around him, nor has our house been broken into.However, he has heard grown ups out in public talking about the recent school shooting. He also gets night terrors and nightmares and is afraid to fall asleep sometimes. how do I help him manage his anxiety in an age appropriate way?",Stress +48966,"Subconscious stress I feel so relieved,free and light after taking a break for about 3-4 days from my daily college routine.I actually went home and enjoyed a lot.But now I realise that I have not felt like this for quite a long time especially since my 2nd proff in med school started.I felt like this after my 1st proff university exams were over and I used to feel like this when I was in my 11th and 12th grade.I guess there is a constant stress or anxiety going on in my subconscious mind that I am not able to feel on a day to day basis as I am very much used to it.Also I have lost taste in so many things.Things do not fascinate me as much as they used to.Even on mobile earlier I could watch from anything to everything and still enjoy.But after med school I do not find anything that much interesting.It may be underlying depression or it may be because I am overworking myself as I am going to library now a days.But also that may not be the case as I started going to library few days back only and I feel this problem has started from a long ago when I got into med school.Still if I think its because of overworking I just cannot cut it loose as in med school they teach at the speed of rocket as due to covid lag our sessions are cut short and still I am not able to cover it all.So doing even less will make me suffer in the long run. +So what to do? +Should I start studying with better techniques in order to cut short the time it takes?If so suggest some awesome study techniques. +What to do for underlying stress?should I try meditation? +What exactly it is and how to always feel calm,light,free,relieved and pleasant?",Stress +28613,She is willing to surrender her cat it's just difficult to find a place rn that can take him. 2. She can't move in with me because I live in a studio apt with my boyfriend and we just renewed our lease and cant have a 3rd person plus no animals allowed. 3. She has called 211 and has tried to speak with someone from a local shelter called Mercy house but they haven't gotten back to her.,Stress +29281,And he got angry at me. He was yelling at me about how it was an accident he just forgot and all I do is bitch. When we got to the store we didn't even go in because he said I ruined his mood or whatever and we just went home. I cried all day. I just can't do it anymore and I'm so depressed and I'm so scared that I will end up going back to him.,Stress +49125,"Emerging for a nervous break down. There is hope. The last two years have been incredibly stressful for me. I’m a frontline healthcare worker who was dealing with the horrors of the pandemic on a daily basis. I took it all in stride and never saw what was coming my way. + +Around mid Jan (about 10 weeks ago) I started getting waves of exhaustion at work out of no where. I’m talking the type of exhaustion where I was basically paralyzed and had to lay down. One time I laid down on the floor at work because I had no other choice. + +The next week, I started having random chest pains on top of the exhaustion. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack and almost when to the hospital. I went to the doctors thinking I was having cardiac issues but everything checked out. I felt better…for a day or two… + +Week 3 is when the real nightmare started. I started having intense anxiety (on top of the exhaustion). Multiple panic attacks a week. I couldn’t do anything without getting short of breath and my heart beating out of my chest. I was a complete mess at work and felt like I was going to collapse and die at any moment. Sometimes I was so physically stressed out I would go to the bathroom and lay on the bathroom floor. It was nuts. + +I called my doctor back and told him what was going on. I was reluctant to start meds but he talked me in to it. Said it doesn’t need to be forever and I can’t go on suffering like this. So I started a low dose SSRI. + +I also started therapy, took a week off from work and am doing much more self care. Like eating healthy and journaling. + +After about 6 weeks of hell, I’m feeling much better. I still have some anxiety here and there but for the most part, have returned to my baseline. I was convinced I’d never be the same again no matter what and I feel like it’s a miracle that I’m even functional now. + +Therapy has also been a huge help even though I was skeptical. It helped me understand that even though I felt blindsided by all of this, it really was building under the surface for a long time. + +Just wanted to say there is hope and don’t give up. I never thought that would happen to me and when it did, it was shocking. But things can get better!",Stress +28456,"On the off days where I don't remember them I still wake up feeling tired, wake up multiple times. I just feel like I cant sleep like normal. Any advice on what else I can do? Should I try to get a sleep study done? Ways to get out of the funk these put me in?",Stress +48469,"Nobody listens Nobody listens to the words I say +Only pipe up when I have to pay +Everyone talks over me +Then I get asked why I'm not acting like me + +Only care when I'm acting recluse +Not caring when I feel like no use +Not speaking up when I feel out of place +Only making me feel like a waste of space + +I know this is too much to handle +But I feel like I must be like a candle +Melt away all the excess waste +Find a smile to put on the new face + +credit to Twitter / @onlyhumans65",Stress +27936,"I beg him to let go of me so I can get my phone and call my dad. I bang on the floor and scream for help to try to get the downstairs neighbours' attention. He mocks my crying and tells me he's not doing anything to me, that I'm freaking out over nothing. We're struggling against each other, his elbow hitting my face, his arm occasionally choking me. I fight hard to inch towards my phone to get help, but any time I get close he grabs my phone and throw it out of my reach.",Stress +28768,"I've put him up in a motel for a few days, bought him a bike, and gave him some money, but I know I can't afford to have him stay at a motel forever (or even support him like that! ), the money will run out, and I just feel sick/stressed/sad because I don't even know what to do at this point or how to help anymore than what I've already done. I work full time and have to suppport myself and I live at home with my mother and she wants absolutely nothing to do with him. He needs help and I just don't what else I can do. Any advice or resources would be much appreciated!",Stress +48744,"My gf keeps on saying she wants to off herself because of her situation right now, what do I say? + +She’s so stressed because of her dad and studies. + +w/ Dad: + +My girlfriend's family is in incredible debt right now because of her dad, they own a small store that sells daily needs. Her dad drinks EVERY NIGHT and he gets the alcohol they drink from their store, and expects her mother to pay for the alcohol. Her dad also loans a shit ton of money from loaning centers. + +w/ studies: + +She's in her 3rd year of college right now and apparently in one of her subjects, they only have 2 exams per semester and she's failed both of those exams, last Tuesday was the second and it's been fucking her up so much. She did an assignment, a plate (cause she's in engineering), she asked from another block what the problem was 3 days ago, but she found out this afternoon from her classmate that the professor changed one detail in the problem that would change the ENTIRE equation, she couldn't pass it in time. + +I'm talking to her now but I don't know what to say anymore, I've said everything that I could. + +Any advice would help.",Stress +49298,"Headed into my first two exams of the semester and I’ve been panicking for hours I went to bed early last night to try to get a good nights sleep, but didn’t sleep AT ALL. Tossed and turned and heart was racing for like 9 hours in bed. Now I’m up and just ready to get these over with and put them behind me. I hate college, it makes my anxiety SO BAD. Looking into getting accommodations but it’s too late for these two exams -_- Wish I could just calm down and be “normal” and do my best…the crippling anxiety makes me perform worse.",Stress +49028,"I don’t know what to do. My stress levels are so high that my hair is falling out and I have to stop myself from randomly crying. I’m not saying I have it worse than anyone else, but I’d really like help figuring out how to better manage. The meds I’m on to combat my hair loss worked great for months…but even those aren’t helping as much…",Stress +28850,"I'm having a rough time right now and going through some things where my anxiety and depression keep dragging me down. My roommates have not really experienced someone with anxiety before really. At least not someone who gets attacks. During the recovery of one of my episodes, I came up with this writing in the notes of my iPhone. So here it is.",Stress +48312,"Neck Tension Hi all. I've been dealing with neck/shoulder tension for years. I am a software developer with likely bad posture - for over 10 years. Lately I'm quite stressed as well. All in all I'm in a constant state of neck/shoulder tension. + +&#x200B; + +I've tried so many things but nothing ""releases"" it. I have one of those shoulder massagers from Amazon - it actually feels quite good especially when it rolls up my neck - but I feel like I can do it **forever** and there is just infinite tension there - shouldn't it ""stop"" at some point? I've seen some threads on here but looking to make my own I guess. + +&#x200B; + +Things I tried: + +* PT +* Chiro +* Neck/Shoulder Massager +* Stretches +* Heat pads (these actually help a little but I don't think I should be walking around every day with heat pads..maybe I can?) +* Magnesium Oil +* Like 6 different pillows - none of them result in me waking up without a stiff neck. Down pillows, thin, thick, memory foam, nothing! +* Foam roller +* Theracane/tennis balls + +Has anyone found anything that actually works, and fast?",Stress +49457,"Constant stress about having a career Is it so bad that I just wanna be a SAHM. My parents are constantly asking me when I will get an accountant certification or degree, especially since I am 20. My aunts and uncles constantly ask me when I will start working because they say that one person working will be difficult if we try to save up money. Sometimes I feel like my peers look down on me for having a kid at a young age. I’m constantly being told that I have to get some of education, which I am but it’s not something that you can earn quickly. I am already struggling with my grades. Is it so bad that I am chilling at home for a bit and continuing my education at a slower pace. My childhood wasn’t the best and when I left home I had felt a weight come off of me. (I was a second mom for my five siblings) +My kid does not stress me like the outside world does.",Stress +29169,"I need information. As emotional as I am right now, I know I'm not thinking straight and am probably missing something as I research on my own. Any advice, any info, any resource, or organizations that I can apply to to help pay for this is greatly appreciated. I'm in Kansas if that helps... Thank you.",Stress +27384,"Sorry this going to be super long, I have a lot to say... Tl;dr... see title. It was constant up and down; one minute we were happy and he was being more affectionate than he has in years, the next he's screaming at me and calling me a whore. I get it, I broke him. I feel so disgusted and ashamed with myself but I truly want to spend my life with no one else.",Stress +49106,"Frick school Idk what to do with it. I like the eventual job, but the hard learning or long time making homework sucks. I wanna be with friends and dont lose them. Didnt have the motivation for school and now im stressing about essays I need to make. I just dont want to redo them, because then in the next semester ill need to make them. Fuck my life, sometimes i just wish i could chill and do nothing.",Stress +49459,"I feel so alone with my problems. Rant. + +Everyone talks to me about their problems bc I'm ""a good listener."" But I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Then I get angry and frustrated with myself for feeling alone because there are people in my life. I don't lean on them because I'm afraid they can't handle it or that leaning on them will inevitably make my life harder. + +I live with my fiance, but he's had health struggles this year, as well as difficulties at work, so he has leaned on me daily, breaking down and panicking before work, calling me for 30-90 minutes a few times a week while I'm at work, breaking down when he gets home from work...after about 20 minutes each time I get overwhelmed and frustrated, but I signal anger. Then he says he feels like he has no support, so I feel like my efforts are wasted. + +I have my own problems. But I shove them down and go to work, clean the house, make dinner, basically do the things that need to be done every day. I shoulder the mental load in our household. + +My blood pressure has spiked the past few months. I've had a rash on my face for 2 months. I see doctors weekly for migraines and chronic back pain. My parents don't call me, my 2 closest friends both underwent cancer treatments this year, and my fiance is overwhelmed. I work from home, so my fiance is the only person I see each day. + +I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Rant over. Back to work.",Stress +48937,"I'm 29 and I have great difficulty relaxing I'm 29 and I have great difficulty relaxing + +&#x200B; + +Relaxing is benefacial to the human mind and body, by allowing yourself to recover you can do work more efficiently, have more energy to exercise and learn, do hobbies and chores, to foster relationships, and more. Machines even new to relax and chill a bit to avoid overheating or to have time to oil up or change new parts. + +&#x200B; + +If I know all of this, why can't I allow myself to relax? I need to, but I cannot. Whenever I try to go on a walk, or watch a movie, or play a game, my brain makes me want to do chores that are non existent or I feel guilty for not doing my side hustle work or learning stuff. + +&#x200B; + +For context I'm in some debt, but have a stable job that should be able to pay it off by perhaps end of 2023 or mid 2024. I also do some side hustles on my own schedule. I also stress eat and feel like ""I have not accomplished enough"" before I turn 30 next year. I think these occupy my mind a lot and prevent me from relaxing. + +&#x200B; + +What should I do? Like damn, I spend more time being frustrated I can't relax, or having a hard time choosing what I wanna do, then actually relaxing lol.",Stress +28617,"""Indefinitely grounded"" according to my father. How do I proceed with this situation? --- **tl;dr**: Parents basically fucking hate me and have called me all sorts of terrible things because I was arrested for small weed possession, and are threatening to demolish my social life. What do I do to improve the situation?",Stress +27827,"I had suicidal thoughts while working at the island. I had to cut it short and come back home. I was too sad to continue. Eddy and I reunited, and I assumed we were back together since it seemed so. When he got drunk he would literally switch back and forth to being happy and giggly to wanting to die and hating himself.",Stress +49409,"YOGA is not only a physical workout + + + +**The word ‘Yoga’, has got a global presence now. Though it has gained popularity and is seen as a tool to uplift our lifestyle to a healthy one,** **myths are still buzzing around. It needs to be demystified as yoga is a great instrument that aims to develop self-awareness and connects that inner self to external energy…..**[CONTINUE READING](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/04/5-myths-of-yoga-to-demystify/)",Stress +29509,"A few weeks later, i found out that he had had a long term girlfriend the entire time. I felt like such an idiot when I found out. He reached out to me last month and I told him I knew he had a girlfriend the whole time and that if I ever saw him again I would literally break his nose. I'm still furious about it. I'm angry that he thinks he pulled one over on me and that he got away with it.",Stress +49265,"This is probably strange but… When ever I’m stressed for some reason I picture a giant coin forever flipping towards me. It doesn’t move, but sits in darkness just flipping. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, I feel like my vision is actually obscured by this coin, and I dream about it to. And it’s a slow dream, not like a quick regular dream. Just wanted to write this down, and ask if anyone else has something your mind goes to when your stressed like the coin?",Stress +29676,"I had the depo shot for the first time at the beginning of March, decided to not go back for the 2nd because I wasn't a fan. Didn't experience any issues while on it , but once I came off of it, all hell broke loose. My once controlled anxiety became out of control and I had random days where I felt depressed/crying spells. The intrusive thoughts were out of control, and had an anxiety attack the 2nd week of working at my new job. I had to leave work and go home, which hadn't happened in almost half a year.",Stress +29678,"Hey guys and girls. I've been going through a lot the past couple of years and was looking to maybe get some advice, or just find some people who can relate because I don't have that in my day to day life. I've tried to pinpoint where this started and this is the best I can come up with, and sorry if it gets long. I've had closure issues since I was 12 and my grandpa passed away. I cut myself off from any meaningful relationships including my family for over 5 years.",Stress +29182,"I will browse a book on a subject that I want or need to study, research it, think about how it's going to be, then when the time for studying comes, I'm thinking about something else. Sometimes I spend the day thinking about that hardcore workout I'm gong to do in the evening, and then I spend the whole workout session thinking about something else. Sometimes even when I'm talking to people I like I realize my mind will wander. Does anyone feel these things? Do you think it's related to anxiety, or do I have ADHD or something else?",Stress +48536,"I'm unable to do anything I can't even look forward to eating dinner with my family. My stress is so crippling that I am bedbound. I haven't spent time with frens in 1,5 years. Even my hobbies ruin me. They say I'm depressed, but I don't agree. This began when I was optimistic, but that is slowly dying due to my zero energy.",Stress +29777,"So again, here I am, with no idea what to do. I don't have any particular skills, besides almost never getting fatigued, the ability to walk for hours on end without getting tired, lifting some pretty heavy objects despite my skinny figure, and a few other things. I know some Korean, and am studying Japanese, Chinese, and Spanish (self taught). The only things of value that I have anymore are my phone and laptop that I've had since I ran away, and I mainly use the wifi at work to access the internet. My only source of sleep is a 30-60 minute nap I manage to sneak in inside the changing stalls at the gym I shower at, unless a coworker is nice enough to let me stay with them for a few nights.",Stress +49396,"Dealing with constant stress on top of that have fallen sick and worried I have cancer I’m dealing with a really bad gut situation . Im only 29 but over the summer I was on a 2 month long holiday eating crap and that’s when my stomach problems started. I had blood on my stool at the end of two months and instead of treating it as a hemmoroid because of crap food I’ve been thinking I have colon cancer. Cut to the next 6 months of constant stress and anxiety and nausea and gut issues. I’ve never got constipated in my life before so I’m stressed about colon cancer and this is making me feel even more worried. + +I’ve been to the doctor and he told me the blood may be due to some minor rectal irritation but nothing to worry about. He didn’t check me physically though. + +All my blood tests and stomach ultrasound is clear but I can’t get over the thought of having colon cancer as whenever I’m constipated there’s been blood. + +I’m an extreme hypochondriac and im going through one of the most stressful times of my life and im worried I have colon cancer twenty four seven. Im constantly naseous and I have cramps. My stomach hasn’t been the same in 7 months and I never had this problem earlier. + +Current symptoms : stomach cramps, inability to empty stomach, blood on toilet paper, swollen anus( I can feel a swelling in the area), lots of acid reflux, constantly , and constipated + +Current Mental State// Life Problems: My dad’s company shut down over night 5 Years ago- both my parents literally have 0 money and we come from quite a upper class background from back in the day. They have no idea how to move forward in the future, I’ve had back to back 4 traumatic relationships where I feel like I’ve only been dumped because of the troubles my dad is facing and no one wants to be a part of this kind of a family. I’ve had men enter my lives, totally support me and fly away with all my trust broken back to back and all of this has broken me. I also saw my best friend pass away in a freak fire accident 3 years ago. All my friends are married / getting married and I feel constantly alone and sad. I can’t cope +I run my own company and I’m independent enough to live my life currently - but there’s no security for the future and I’m just constantly feeling like I’m racing with time to make ends meet. I feel like no one understands the place I am in physically and mentally and my physical health is making me unable to work mentally - and if I don’t work I won’t be able to sustain myself. + +I used to be a go getter- constantly at the gym and now I struggle to get out of bed. I have no answers on what’s happening to me . + +The last time I saw fresh blood was in JULY and now again In December. It’s fresh and very little but enough to make my mind spiral and think I’m dying/ I can’t switch off my brain and I’m constantly burning - farting and have reflux too! + +Do you think stress / anxiety are making my symptoms worse? I love to drink and I can’t even touch a drink thinking my stomach will spasm and bleed which makes me even more nervous and anxious. I’m at a loss of words and I can’t live a normal life. I want to switch off from the thought that I have a serious disease. + +Someone please help",Stress +28648,"Especially always being tired which just adds to the anxiety. I'm having some trouble falling asleep atm (and staying asleep which is even worse) and thought that maybe typing my thoughts out would help relax my mind and help me see my problems from a different perspective. I know things will get better, because they always do, but its still difficult to deal with the anxiety. I meditate regularly, but if anyone has any other suggestions in dealing with anxiety during bed time I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks (:",Stress +28656,"I feel so worthless on those days. I guess I just needed to vent to a community that will hopefully understand, and see if anyone else had any similar experiences. I had PTSD for almost a year before going on benzos, but it wasn't until I was put on benzos (and then stupidly chose to continue a do-it-yourself habit) that my mind just happily dissociated - I barely remember the last year. PTSD often = dp/dr, benzos often = dp/dr, and benzo withdrawal (which many helpful internet sites say can last months or even years, yay) often = dp/dr. What in the fuck have I done to myself?",Stress +28991,"I am constantly being controlled by my abuser in having to fight his continued harassment in court, or I am controlled by my emotionally abusive husband who I can't leave because I have no money and we have kids together. I am starting to become seriously suicidal. Last year, on my birthday, I made a serious and almost successful attempt on my life because of PTSD triggers that weren't even as bad as these. My birthday is coming up again in February. I don't know what to do.",Stress +28290,"I can't stop feeling miserable. It's not even because my ex is going crazy, because he's once again proven I don't get to control my own life. I can't let go of the prosecutor telling me I only hear what I want. I don't even know what he was referring to, but it has to be true because I honestly don't remember agreeing to dismiss he case. I'm guess I'm not doing as well as I thought, and I must be as crazy as I now feel.",Stress +27413,"I know this may seem like a small thing, but to someone with these problems, it's a huge deal and to be at a store where you do not feel ""safe"" around your managers and you can't talk with them and grow as an employee, what's the point of continuing to work there? So I luckily got them to put me on 3rd shift. Minimal contact and I still get to work for the company. As I did mention, I have been struggling lately with some things: being slow with completing tasks on the work list is the biggest issue I believe. I'm not sure why I'm slow, in the past a supervisor has said ""Yes you're slow, but you're thorough.""",Stress +29229,"I have Bipolar 1 disorder and CPTSD. I literally overwhelm LCSWs and MFts with my symptoms. They have no idea where to begin - because it isn't their expertise - they are generalists! When I was able to choose my provider, I could choose someone who specializes in CPTSD or Bipolar 1. I could do DBT, EMDR, or Somatic Experiencing.",Stress +29074,"I spoke with her after all was said and done and asked why. Reasons she gave me were that I didn't do enough housework and she felt underappreciated for the work she did, that my libido is considerably higher that hers and it made her feel inadequate so she went outside the marriage to feel more like she could satisfy a person's sex drive, and that I'm boring and the newness of everything was gone. Now I'm here picking up the pieces and trying to decide if I can learn to trust her again, if I'm willing to put in the work, and what I could have done to be a better husband to avoid this. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't even hold a marriage together for 6 months. Currently she's sick because she also has untreated lupus and the stress of all of this has caused her immune system to weaken, her joints to swell, and her muscles to ache.",Stress +49045,"Sick from stress Have been getting physically ill from the stresses of a not so good living situation lately.. flu-like symptoms, stomach upsets, fever. This is the second time it's happened in response to this stressor in the span of a month and I was down for the count for a whole week the last time.. had my partner and I take covid tests and everything because we thought maybe it was an actual sickness, but things came back normal. Now I know stress can lead to a weakened immune system, but how do I help reduce my susceptibility to getting sick from it? It's honestly been pretty scary.. I've heard of people having strokes from just stress and that's what happened to my mom so there's a family history there. I've been doing my best to try and take care of myself and ease my mind, watching my comfort shows, listening to my comfort music.. but nothing seems to be helping much. Any advice or support appreciated, honestly just want to know that I'm not alone with this.. it'll be another week of nursing myself and my partner back to health and I hate feeling so bad for no good reason.",Stress +27521,"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, I just didn't need it. Long story short, something's flipped in my head the last couple of weeks and my libido is very much back, worryingly so, I'm not sure what to do with it lol. So we've had more sex in the past 7 days than the preceding 7 years....but it's still very much for him. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to ask for what I want. It's been so freaking long since I considered sex as a thing it actually makes me nervous.",Stress +27701,"Hello my name is jake I am 17 years old and I need some help I'll give you a bit of back story Ever since I was 5 my mother was always drunk everdently she was an alcoholic and whenever she was drunk she got very agressive and to cut a long story short she abused me for over 8 years not only physically but mentally too and when I was 15 I finally spoke out and went to turn to the authorities but they didn't help they sent me back to my mum countless times and in then end I put myself into care I refused to go back I have been in care for a year and a couple months now but ever since just before chirstmas I've been having these night terrors ( which I have reason to believe that it is ptsd ) I have viscous flash backs of my mother doing all them things too me and I wake up screaming , sweating , and as a instinct ready to fight and it lasts for a good 15 mins which is horrible What I'm trying to get at is , is there any coping mechanisms that you can suggest because I feel useless and helpless at this point",Stress +29087,"It did take a long time after we got together to believe he wouldn't, but now I actually believe he'd lay down his life to protect me. And I don't think I deserve that. I'm just so sad and filled with so much self-loathing today. The memories literally make me sick, make me vomit, which I don't need to be doing right now after a major surgery. I just want to erase it all.",Stress +48406,"Cbc results scared af Freaking tf out about my cbc test + +Hello everyone! I just need advice and yes I know this isn’t a doctors office etc… if anyone ever had abnormal blood work please share. I recently had to get blood work because my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine . When I did the results came back high for EOSINOPHIL. He told me to go back 2 weeks later which was Monday.. well now my white blood cells are low and I’m freaking the hell out . I keep reading shit on google and it’s nothing positive. My EOSINOPHIL is still high . I did have covid a month ago idk if that could do anything or not ? The only thing that changed in the last 2 weeks is I was put on blood pressure medicine for my blood pressure being so high . Please someone tell me I’m just crazy and my anxiety is getting the best of me . It’s so bad I can barely eat or think straight . Here are the results +- [ ] WBC +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 3.3 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 4.5 to 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 4.5 - 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 36 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 50 to 70 % +- [ ] 50 - 70 % +- [ ] EOSINOPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 13 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 0 to 4 % +- [ ] 0 - 4 % +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL # +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 1.20 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 1.70 to 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 1.70 - 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL",Stress +48907,"I think all this late night studying and the caffeine overload is bound to give me a heart attack I am so fucking sleep deprived. I feel utterly stupid and worthless. +Give me a break from college and exams. It's been a burnout season for too long.",Stress +48308,"School stress is getting worse Hi! +I just finished my second term today. I got my marks — great, btw. But the school stress has impacted me so badly that even now, when I’ve gone into end of the term break, I feel like there is something to be done. There are no homework assignments, no projects, nothing to be done, but still. It got to the point where I stress about non-school stuff — whether I showered or not, ate or not, read today or not; and sometimes, just stress, about literally nothing. +Maybe I’m writing this for validation, but I don’t think that’s what I need the most. Can someone help me control this damn situation.",Stress +48830,"Managing Stress **STRESS..…STRESS…STRESS…STRESS…STRESS…..STRESSED!** + +**Why do you think in this 21st century, from a child going to preschool to a retired person experiencing stress?** + +*DID YOU KNOW?* As per the world health organization, 1 in every 5 persons (20% of the population) in India are said to be suffering from some form of mental unrest. + +The world is running towards success and accomplishment. During this; we compromise on our health, sleep, food, relationships, and ultimately ourselves. Stressors are increasing which in turn results in stress! + +YOU MAY ASK, WHAT DOES STRESS DO TO ME??? + +Well, do you have headaches, upset stomach, chest pain, loss of sleep, and high BP? Then, you have stress! Stress can increase your chances of having a heart attack by 25%, heart diseases by 40%, and stroke by 50%. Stress can lead to memory problems, inability to concentrate, poor judgment, negative thoughts, inability to relax, general unhappiness, and a sense of loneliness. Below are given some ways you can overcome your stress. + +**EASY TIPS TO MANAGE STRESS** + +Every individual has their own style of dealing with stress. However, there are basic guidelines for dealing with stress. Here they are- + +* **Reframe** the stressor to see a whole new picture. + +During a stressful situation explain the situation on a lighter note to yourself. Remind yourself to see life as continuous learning. Look at the positive side! + +* Failure is a stepping stone to success. +* You failed so what? Get over it. +* There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. + +* **Journal writing is a voyage to the interior.** + +Maintain a stress journal. Identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with them. Each time you feel stressed, keep track of it in your journal as you keep a daily log, you will begin to see patterns and common themes. + +Write down- + +* What caused your stress (make a guess if unsure) +* How you felt, both physically and emotionally +* How you acted in response +* What you did to make yourself feel better. +* **Test your thoughts.** + +When something stressful happens. Assess what the outcome of the situation like its irrelevance, positivity, accuracy and the truth behind it. Like what am I think? Is it true? Could there be another way to look at this situation?. + +* **Manage your time**. Stress is managed by simply planning your day well in advance. Like maintaining a weekly planner with all the deadlines, meetings, appointments, family time and most importantly don’t forget to throw some ‘**me time’** in there too. +* You **can’t control everything**. + +Learn to let go of things over which you don’t have a control. Without forgiveness, we experience stress in a more raw, unblocked way. When in a distressing situation, pause, take slow deep breaths and tell yourself ‘**it’s okay’ I can move on.** + +* **Count your blessings.** A powerful **antidote to** [**stress.**](http://www.cadabamshospitals.com/) + +Learn to be grateful for what you have even if you feel it’s not enough. Tell yourself, I am strong and I will put my 100%. + +* **Take time to relax**. **Ten minutes of quiet meditation** a day is powerful medicine. You can pray, listen to relaxing music or just simply focus on your breathing. Guided imagery, clinical [**hypnosis**](https://www.psychologytoday.com/therapy-types/hypnotherapy), and biofeedback are all useful for managing stress. + +If none of the above works for you, then it is a good idea you get diagnosed with a good psychologist who can best help you in giving the right treatment for managing your stress.",Stress +28721,"I have been living in at a homeless shelter run by the Salvation Army since the beginning of February (I know it hasn't been that long but still), and I started a new job a month or so later around the beginning of March. I don't know if my boss did a google search of the address I have on record or maybe drove past it one day, but I overheard him talking to another one of the staff about how 'the homeless population here in Toronto is getting pretty bad, and how there might be a lot once the weather improves because of the people trying to leave the USA because of Trump' And since I heard this conversation, I went from having 3 shifts of 4 hours per week (12 hours per week), down to this week I have 1 shift that's only 3 hours, and he's blaming how our sales are really slow, which they are down by an average of 4% compared to last year according to the reports that are printed automatically each day. It also doesn't help that since I started a month ago, we had 11 employees and as of this morning we now have 16. Tell me why the hell if business is so slow, why did we increase the number of staff by almost 50%?",Stress +49300,"""Desk Toys for Your Stressful Day!"" + +Desk toys are the perfect way to relieve stress during a tough day at work. From fidget cubes to kinetic sand, there are endless options when it comes to desk toys that can provide a break from the monotony of office life and make it easier to stay focused. + +Not only can these toys reduce stress levels but they can also help increase productivity by giving users something else to concentrate on. + +From desktop Zen gardens and mini trampolines, to spinners and wobbles, there is no shortage of desk toys designed specifically for stress relief. + +Many of these items come in fun shapes and sizes and even feature light-up features that make them feel like miniature works of art. + +Whether you're looking for an item that's just plain fun or something with calming properties, there's sure to be an office toy out there perfect for your stressful day.",Stress +29789,"Since then I have heard from him once, in the form of a drunken voicemail pleading with me to forgive him and swearing that he doesn't remember anything. I may be able to believe that if I didn't know he was a manipulative pathological liar. The worst thing about this to me is that he has two kids, a little girl and a little boy who I absolutely adore. I haven't been able to see them in five years (I'm nineteen now). If anyone is reading this, and you're wondering why I didn't call the police, I did.",Stress +28171,"I can get from feeling super bad (aka anxiety) to feeling super good with just one single thought (they're, most of the times, exaggerated). And then, with another thought I can get from feeling super good to feeling super bad. This is a matter of just seconds and these switchs can last for hours, stop and then come back again. When I get the bad feelings it's just awful and the only way I can cope with them is thinking of a way of killing myself. Then, when I get the good ones, I completely forget about the sensation the bad ones gave me and I see the bright side.",Stress +29467,"The thought of leaving my folks behind would definitely not be good for me mentally. I've thought about basically living out of my car, gym memberships to shower daily and laundromats to wash my clothes. Perhaps put all my stuff in storage and just keep working and save some money up. I live on long Island btw. Rent isn't cheap.",Stress +28765,"I'm 29 and I've just committed to moving into a shared apartment in my city centre. I've never lived in a place like this before because it's an en-suite with my own double bedroom and bathroom, but the kitchen and lounge is shared with about 15 other 'profressionals' It's right in the centre of a bustling city near all the bars and music venues. I've always lived in the suburbs but I've always felt a bit disconnected from everything because most of my (limited) social life takes place in the city centre. But now I'm scared because I'm such an introvert and there's going to be lots of people around all the time and I'm worried I've made a mistake. Another big worry of mine is that my ex best friend lives just a few streets away from where I will be living and we are going to be sharing the same supermarket etc.",Stress +48883,"Stressed In and Out of Work For the last month I've been feeling fed up with my job and some of the people on my team. Every morning during meetings I fake being nice and wanting to talk with them, and the more they talk the angrier I've been getting lately. + +I've had mishaps happen and to me it seems like there is a lot of favoritism that happens in my work place. To keep that bit short, people that have left have said the same thing about the favoritism. + +My anger with my job is also spilling into my personal life because I'm having dreams about these people now! I don't want to see a handful of them while I'm working and now they are in my dreams! + +My personal life has been a hectic mess too, as I've made some huge life changes - for the better - but with the work B.S and the remodeling I'm doing (it's my parents' home that I'm staying in and working on) I have no fuse and blow up on just about everything. + +I had an idea of the work that needed done and in the order, and my dad does the exact opposite of what I ask and tell him to do. Now all of a sudden I need to spend both more time and money on a project I asked him to start a month ago. + +The reason the remodel is pissing me off is cause it's not just me staying in the home now, my partner is too and even with the upstairs space done, it's not enough space. I've thrown things away and so has he in an attempt to make room and my dad seems to think there is all the time in the world to complete the work. + +Has anyone had issues like this, where at work they feel wrongly treated and brood about it and the same goes for their personal life? + +Everything is driving me bonkers cause I can't leave my job cause I desperately need the cash and I'm worried that if I went to another job it would be even worse! I've been looking at open jobs that I could do a good job in and a lot of places I've been interested in have complaints like the ones I have now. + +Rant over (phew!), but how can I manage all this stress and stop dreaming about work when I'm off the clock. And how can I deal with such a stubborn dad that is making me angry and burdening me and my partner. I would hate for my spoiled mood to ruin things between me and my boyfriend.",Stress +49102,"Feeling like an anchor It's been almost a year since I started working in my professor's chemistry lab. I've been tasked with synthesizing a compound and I keep making stupid mistakes. Since someone else in the lab needs this compound for their synthesis, my friend needs to make mine in addition to her own. The first two times my professor was fine with the mistakes and kinda expected it but it's been 5 times now and her patience is fleeting. I have been improving but this rate is way too slow. I can't remember the last time I've taken this long to get the hang of something. I'm gonna graduate with my bachelor's this summer and start graduate school soon so I feel like I can't afford to be making rookie mistakes at this stage. All of this has given me some imposter syndrome as I watch my peers execute their projects near flawlessly, especially while my family keeps calling to mention how proud they are of me. + +Just wanted to vent my frustrations. I'm an optimist by nature but consecutive failures keep proving my optimistic mindset incorrect.",Stress +28341,"I feel like at this point, I'm the only one putting effort into our relationship. I've suggested taking time to ourselves so that he could think things through, taking a break, talking about it, meeting up (we really only can see each other on the weekends due to classes), etc. Still, the short responses. He's started to not respond to me; we talk through an app that shows when the other has read the message. I know his class schedule, so I know when we can answer back (he checks his phone often).",Stress +28911,It's only happened twice and only happens when he drinks. I love him dearly and want to help/support him. He cries and says he's sorry and admits that he is aggressive when he drinks. I'm so heartbroken I don't know what to do? Is this even considered domestic abuse/violence?,Stress +48681,Toxic in laws! My in laws has been so controlling over my two boys. They try and basically tell me what I need to do and what not to do... Sometimes they make me feel like I'm a bad mother! And it from thing like me sending my kids to public school to them getting the mandatory shots to attend school... Or the fact that I don't doing anything with politics because it's not something I'm very educated with and that's because I never showed interest so their for I don't vote and they think I should just go vote for who they tell me to because it's my children future and I'm a bad person cause I dont. They make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Husband agrees with me and tells me to just let them go and let it be... But then theirs part of me that feels bad because my kids have a great bond with them. So I'm basically stuck in the middle of letting them out of my life and enjoy peace or just continue to allow their behavior so my boys are happy! There's so much more to it that's stressful.,Stress +29498,"I don't have any point, I'm just overwhelmed and want to give up. No one's going to read this long of a post anyway. I don't want to tell my therapist, I don't want to go to therapy. It feels artificial and contrived and uneven. When I google all this shit the internet is like ""That's the ptsd talking.""",Stress +27631,"We ate and he was monitoring my data use because I sent some photos to our friend of her baby shower. And he said he ""hates having to watch over me like a father and he wishes I was more responsible"" but said that he ""accepts that this is the way I am"" I said nothing in response to this and just ate my food and let it slide, smiled at him and small talked. We got back to the park and they had put out a new sign saying they were closed for the rest of the day. This made him even more mad.",Stress +48772,"Is it shown that being exposed to extreme stress levels frequently, builds higher stress tolerance levels? I hope I'm not on the wrong subreddit for this question. + +Kind of talking about like the quote, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' or something like that. + +I'm not sure, but I feel like I don't cope with stress too well. I can manage to study for long hours without tears or anything, but that is in the past. I feel like these days I'm feeling the pressure. + +I have a feeling that if I fail a question or something like that I just start to contemplate my life even after the exam. Even like I would get on the verge of tears if I didn't know something. Like if I fail the exam, I don't have good grades, then I don't go to a good university, then I don't get a job or either I get a job with little pay, people make fun of me, etc. + +Honestly makes me feel anxious, but even if I have coping techniques sometimes I still really wish I could just put myself into extremely stressful environments. But not like life-threatening events, I just want to put myself under immense, crippling stress when I do everyday basic things (like practicing an exam paper, or cleaning within a time limit). + +Sometimes I feel that its necessary for me to just stress myself out 24/7, then after that I'll develop a good stress tolerance or something like that. I just really wished I were one of those people who are extremely good at managing stress, and never shed a tear in a very long time (and I mean, years). + +To be honest, I know its sounds like I'm really self-sabotaging, but no matter how much I really want to pressure myself to the extremes, I have a feeling it probably isn't right for me. But then again, there's people around me (especially on the internet) who study for hours, or work for many hours, and probably do well under pressure. + +Just hope someone would answer this question for me.",Stress +30127,"He doesn't have to spend a load of money on things I like! He can use it to spend on himself. I don't understand why he feels that just because we're in a relationship that he has to ""spoil"" me. I enjoy being spoiled but only when I'm the one spoiling myself, haha. TL;Dr: My boyfriend doesn't like that I don't want him to do anything for me",Stress +28144,"Hello So I've had chronic social anxiety since I can remember. I had a pretty traumatic childhood, which has resulted in me being socially awkward, and very nervous in social setting. Fast forward to this week- I've been invited to a party this weekend. I would love to go, but to be honest, I'm very scared to go.",Stress +28930,She's sworn at me at times. **tl;dr**: Girlfriend cheated on me twice. Is always adamant about keeping contact with the people she cheated with. The relationship is at its wits end. p.s.,Stress +29936,"Are you fucking kidding me? YOU are not comfortable writing something to help me? YOU'RE uncomfortable writing a note and helping someone with a mental illness? Someone who has been trying everything fucking possible to live a normal life, someone who is seeking as much support as possible and only went to the idea of financial support as an absolute last resort? WHAT.",Stress +49052,"nap Hello. In past six years ive been working two jobs. One at the warehouse and one on the morning paper route. Everyday i tri to go to sleep around 8-9 sometimes i wake up at 2.30. sometimes even earlier. I get back home from paper route around 6. Then i want to take a nap. I have set my alarm at 7.25. so abaout hour, hour and half. But in most days i just cant. Like today. In about 50 minutes time, I woke up 5-6 times. And everytime I close my eyes i just see dreams. Switch sides. And again, dreams. +Like I want to know. Is it pointless even taking that nap, or is it possible somehow to switch off dreams. It is just so frustrating, ruins my mornings.",Stress +28830,"Fuck you for getting money through your job while doing literally nothing to help your patients. Fuck you for being an absolutely useless bigot. This town is small and i will suggest everyone I know to never, ever go to your damn fucking clinic you dick. ​ Time to get a new doctor and see if I can finally get someone to listen.",Stress +28301,"Advice on how to deal with friend? And advice about how to deal with the impact of this on myself? Self-esteem hit new lows and had already felt really humiliated about assault before and wanted to tell friends to stop feeling so bad about it and to be able to talk to someone on days when my PTSD got really bad. But now I feel even more humiliated about it and feel like anyone that knows is going to see me as damaged, so theres a lot of shame. I'm also terrified to talk to anyone else about it.",Stress +49129,Relaxing Mountain Views for Stress Management [https://youtu.be/xPqI1OrujhM](https://youtu.be/xPqI1OrujhM),Stress +49439,Children Stress Me Out Is it fucked up to say that I liked kids way more before I got one? I cant handle or match their energy nor needs. It’s so much.,Stress +48842,"I can never relax my neck/shoulders/jaw...any tips? First off, I have PTSD from being in the military. I overreact to stressors in my environment significantly. So I am totally aware of having higher stress levels than the average person. But what I do not understand is why my muscles stay tense 24/7. + +I mainly feel this in my neck/jaw/shoulders area. I literally (and not saying this like ""omg I literally died the other day when...but as in the way the term is actually meant for) feel like I cannot let my head relax into my pillow at night. It's like my body refuses to allow the pillow to take the weight of my head. I can consciously think, ""ok, I'm gonna relax my neck now and let my head fall deep into this pillow,"" and it works...for a few fleeting moments until I stop actively thinking about it. Seconds later I will realize that my shoulders are up to my ears again, and my neck is no longer relaxing. + +I keep my jaw tense all the time as well. So much so that I have so many chipped teeth that my dentist has stopped fixing them until they get really bad. I have a bite guard for sleeping, but I think the damage is also done during the day. I asked my wife the other day which was ""normal"" for her: when not thinking about it, do your top and bottom teeth stay closed/touching each other, or is there a small gap? She went with the small gap, and I can see that my body wants that to be my normal too, but it is not. My teeth stay chomped down onto each other, nearly 24/7. I'd bet my neck and teeth stay tense even when I am asleep. + +I absolutely hate this. I can never get comfortable. I cannot sleep well. I look like a 10 year old with ADHD because I'm constantly wiggling around while seated in order to get some sort of comfort here and there. And all this misery boils down to the tension in these 3 areas. + +Anyone have any suggestions for this? I've told my Dr many times at the VA about this, and I have muscle relaxers, but rarely take them because they make me super sleepy during the day, and if I take them at night, I feel kinda hung over the next morning. So I only take them when in absolute discomfort. + +I go to a chiropractor 2x a week. I go to physical therapy for shoulder issues 2x a week. I regularly use a foam roller and a Chirp wheel, almost daily, several times a day. I even started yoga this week...but I've only been once so far. + +Oh, and I get a massage 2x a month, by a massage therapist at the chiropractor, who can target areas of concern from my chiropractic file. So not a feel good massage, but one that works on working knots out and loosening ligaments (not sure if I am using the right terminology there). Last week, after several months, she was able to finally ""get in"" my upper traps and for a few amazing, godly seconds, I actually felt true neck relaxation. It was so wonderful....and so sad when it quickly went back to my normal. But that fleeting glimpse of bliss told me that it is possible to find relief. + +So I have finally turned to Reddit to ask for help.",Stress +48864,,Stress +49043,"Creating the Time You Need to Do the Things You Love Time is at a premium these days. It’s hard to find anyone that complains about having too much time on their hands. Most of us are so busy with work, family, and various obligations, there’s little time left to do the things we’d really like to do! + +It’s not easy to find time to pursue your passions, but there will be a way. + +### Use these techniques to create the time you require for important pursuits: + +**Decide what you want to make room for.** The best way to motivate yourself to create more free time in your life is to identify what you want to make time for! What are the most important things you’d like to spend more time on? + +● Figure out how you’d spend that extra time and make sure you have some good reasons. Create a list of reasons that give you an emotional response. Being logical is unlikely to inspire you. + + +**Use your mornings wisely.** Most people waste their mornings. They stay in bed as long as possible and barely manage to get to work on time each day. Make the most of your mornings. Go to bed earlier and get up earlier. + +● It’s often easier to do something worthwhile in the morning than in the evening. What are you missing by going to bed earlier? Probably not a lot. + +**Understand the ways you waste time.** We’re quite ingenious at wasting time. Watch yourself for a day and write down all the ways you waste time. When you understand where your time is leaking away, you can start working on solutions. + +**Make a schedule.** A schedule can keep you on track and help to ensure that your time is being spent wisely. A schedule can help to minimize the amount of time you waste. You can also build time into your schedule to do the things you enjoy the most. + +**Delegate.** Create more time for yourself by utilizing the people around you. This can work at work and at home. There’s a good chance that someone in your life would benefit from being delegated to. Put your employees, coworkers, children, and partner to work! A little help can free up quite a bit of time. + +**Prioritize and eliminate.** Perhaps you just have too many non-essential things going on in your life. It might be time to cut back on a few of those obligations. + +● Take a look at everything you do each day/week/month and think about how much value those things add to your life. You can probably find something to remove from your life. + + +You can find time if you have a good enough reason! **Determine what you want to create time for and make it happen.** Delegate, schedule, eliminate, and avoid wasting time. What are you willing to give up to spend time on the things you love?",Stress +49382,Insomnia How do you guys fight insomnia?,Stress +29700,"I recieved an eviction notice on 8/28/17 I have forms for food stamps and mediCal, some of my possessions are at a friends house for safe keeping. I want advice on where to live that is affordable, has a decent college nearby for when I can pay for education, and a place where work is available. My highest education is High School Graduate. If I have to move than that is fine but I need to make a plan so that I manage what little money I may have.",Stress +28000,"​ Hey everyone, Being that Hurricane Florence just occurred less than a month ago, my personal experience with Hurricane Florence consisted of having my maternal extended family evacuated from Craven County and coming to stay with my family in Wilson, having to have family members be rescued from their home due to a severe flash flood, and dealing with the shock and emotions of loss once returning. On top of that, two of my family members have been displaced and all of them are still in the stages of recovery. This is the first natural disaster that has left a major impact on my family as far as trying to find resources and dealing with insurance adjusters and etc.",Stress +48921,,Stress +29380,"He said he'd take me to my mothers house if I just smoked a cigarette with him. I did, but he refused to take me still. I continued fighting his hold and he kept saying my name in a gentle voice and telling me to calm down, saying that he loved me and didn't know why I was freaking out, and kept saying, ""you know you're not going to win. Go ahead, tire yourself out. You know you're not going anywhere.""",Stress +28557,"So I drank wine and I started crying and since my husband was constantly telling me that I ruined his life and he regrets being married to me and I'm the devil and blah blah, for the first time in my life I picked up the knife and I thought I should just kill my self. When my husband saw me he started screaming and snatched the knife away from me and said I am trying to get him into trouble by committing suicide. He kicked me and spat on me. I kept on try to explain to him that I can't take him blaming me for everything and he believes everything he says so hard that every works out of my mouth is a lie. I tried telling him I am trying to fix myself.",Stress +29921,"I'm scared I'm going to slip the next time I get in the car or on my motorcycle and just plow into something at full speed just because it'd be so easy and it might end all the pain. But then I don't want to do that, because I have a safe car, and I wear full safety gear when I ride, so those are both maybes. I don't have a gun. I find my thoughts straying from just using one if I had one to thinking of places I could buy one from. Does Walmart sell them in California?",Stress +27390,"I didn't do anything during spring break, except maybe go to work. And even then, I missed a day because I just couldn't deal with the stress. Most adults get excited to tell you they did absolutely nothing during their break. And there was a time when I enjoyed taking a break too. But now it seems like every time I have a break or a day off from work, it makes the stress worse.",Stress +27942,"Can't put this under my true account, but I'm feeling horrible – I just completely screwed up a job application for a position I really wanted. Part of me is like ""oh well not meant to be"", but SERIOUSLY, the application was meticulous. My email? Nope – my computer crashed, I restarted with a draft email which I (stupidly) assumed had saved in the correct way. It hadn't.",Stress +49132,,Stress +28393,"She is very sweet and I love her immensely. I can't leave her where I am currently for fear of her being neglected. She is very attached to me. I will have no choice but to live in my car for the foreseeable future, which leaves me with the issue of what to do with her. I can't keep her locked in my car all day.",Stress +48405,"Do I have a problem with my brain? Well I've had problems with things for a couple of years but it's never been so bad that I can't concentrate and only talk to other people at school. + for example I was listening to the teacher the whole time and then she asks me something and I don't know what she said. + and also problems like I want to read something and I can read but I can't understand what I'm reading until I can picture it in my head and that's not easy either and if I can't picture it then I can too do not understand. + and in German I've never had any problems with grammar and such and commas and everything just happened by itself and I always wrote a 1 in dictations and now all of a sudden I've made all these grammatical errors that I've made before and still messed them up. + and I've never had problems remembering things, but now on a ö I can't remember anything anymore. I forget everything I'm told and I always have to imagine it before I'm told things. + and that has nothing to do with the brain, but lately I've been getting sick every week and my immune system is also deteriorating very badly, although I've always gone 4 years without getting sick (that has nothing to do with the topic but it has to be say once) + can anyone give me any advice on what to do now?",Stress +28011,"I'm just really scared in general of not living up to expectations my partner may have. A lot of my life is built on trying to be exciting, fun, or entertaining, I'm just scared I won't be able to keep it up for my partner. The last thing I want them is to describe their boyfriend (me) as bland or boring, but I feel like that's how I'll make them feel, and it'll just lead to heartache. So, I've come to the most recent conclusion (after seeing my two best friends get girlfriends and me being the awkward loser who can't get one). That maybe I'm not the type of person who's built for relationships.",Stress +49296,"Whats my cause of stress? Thinking Bout seeing the doc just to get myself checked out. Could be old age or poor lifestyle habits but i recently had a panic(?) stress moment that lasted for at least 5minutes until a problem was solved + +Background info: only experienced 2-3 occurrences where i found my legs specifically shaking due to nervousness. These experiences are spread very very far apart. 1st time over 10yrs ago fairly minor was just nervous about a new environment & people. + +2nd time was last june 2022 was falling behind online class, thought i couldn’t get set up this program until teacher helped lol and i think this was the main cause of stress (fear of being unable to catch up? Lost?) also deep slow breathing didn’t work here. How to manage lmao + +Most recent was few days ago, no leg shaking but just like the 2nd time can’t really think straight, brain wasn’t calming down even though i was breathing normally. Again it was a school related thing, had an IT issue i couldn’t fix, couldnt login to join lecture that was ongoing at the time. Feared missing out important content until i remembered i can watch the recording later but didn’t really get rid of that unpleasant rushed feeling and anxiousness that i need to get this login resolved. Only until i got connected with the school IT helpdesk that i felt completely fine again + +I seldom get nervous in job interviews but what is this??? Not sure why my body reacting like this if it’s just fear of falling behind/missing out + +Pretty sure there’s a correlation between 2 & 3 +Any insights? :(",Stress +49335,"Is this stress or mental health issues? Hi I am always nervous, I don't know how to describe like having butterflies on the stomach all the time and always on alert state. I keep making mistakes because of the alert state, after I make a simple mistake I get angry about myself and feel guilty, I cannot find a safe place to feel at peace even at home, my brain cannot stop thinking. How can I handle this? Thank you",Stress +28285,"Hello r/ptsd. I'm currently almost 19 but suffered a lot of traumatic events within my immediate family between the ages of 10-15. Earlier this year, I noticed that I had terrible body odor (I shower and wear deodorant everyday) whenever I left the house. This was obviously accompanied by some unbearable anxiety, as well as very severe panic attacks. After talking to my psychiatrist and a therapist, they diagnosed me.",Stress +49375,"i have pretty much forgot all the good memories and cant make good memories anymore i don't know where to start but the thing is I have forgot everything good about my past, I realised this when I went to my school few days ago, where I studied for like 8 long years, I thought I would feel very nostalgic about it obviously because I have spent 8 whole years there with my friends, had a lot of fun, but right when I step into my school, I can't remember a single freaking thing and even if i would I gave almost no reaction at all, I didn't even smiled and that's making me sad. + +Another Situation Like The Above : + +I have got a girlfriend recently its been like 5 months and we meet in person twice or thrice in a month, and I met her yesterday too, when I am with her I pretty much enjoy everything, the feeling of hugging her, kissing her, and just doing stupid things together, but as soon as I drop her home its like all the memories just fade away, right after I drop her home I forget the feeling of huggin her, kissing her. I usually took this for granted all the time but yesterday after dropping her at her home tears started coming out of my eyes because of how much I hated this. I actually don't have anyone to talk about this with neither can I go to a therapist or whatever, can anyone please please please help me a little bit. +I will appreciate it a lot. + +In short its just like when I am doing something I will enjoy it and be present in that particular situation but as soon as I leave I am gonna forget everything about it. + +So if anyone knows what's going on with me please help.",Stress +48967,"Can you be so stressed you’re not anymore? I had an awful day at work I handed back a wallet to who I thought was the correct person knew everything about it and matched the id. Maybe 5 hours later I get a call saying I handed it to the wrong person. I can’t remember anything about it now, and to make matters worse I think my cousin is in jail. I felt stressed and anxious to the point of throwing up, but now I don’t feel stressed at all. I was just wondering can you be so stressed you don’t feel stressed anymore?",Stress +28728,"Am I being way overdramatic? Hope I provided enough information. I truly tried not to sound angry or overly upset. --- **tl;dr**: My mother has hit me quite a few times, put my clothes in trash bags when I don't clean them on time, won't let me lock my door, and has threatened to take away the car I drive that they paid for (and therefore job and access to classes).",Stress +27690,"The husband's voice sounds like pure rage, the wife's both angry and defensive. A couple of times there were sounds of broken objects. We have never really talked (they don't speak good English), so I'm not sure how to approach them about it. Calling the police feels excessive, but I'm also worried someone might be abused. What is an appropriate thing to do here?",Stress +49117,Stress Relief Music https://youtu.be/bakiHRjON24,Stress +27803,I’m noticing a pattern where my body is like rejecting my partner and I’m concerned it might be caused by my abuse at an early age. Should I seek counseling? But I’m afraid if I do I’m going to have to talk more about what happened and I’m going to break. I’ve talked to therapist before but whenever the topic of the abuse arises I tense up and can’t remember anything. I’m sorry if I’m rambling on it’s just a hard subject for me to talk about and I don’t know how to put into words the emotions I feel towards these events.,Stress +27657,"My main thing lately is that everything is making me feel overwhelmed and stressed out even in non-stressful situations, just every day life. I have a good life that is a lot less stressful than most but it seems to cause me a lot more stress than it would to anyone else like my wife for example. I feel like I'm always on the edge and my head is going to explode in angry/frustration over nothing at all. I've been checked out many times, full blood work and other tests and everything perfect with my health as far as my Dr is concerned. I've always had an idea in my head that I would do anything and everything to avoid taking medications and I've been convinced that I can deal with this on my own and if I can't then I'm doing something wrong.",Stress +29831,"Now I'm terrified of starting this new job because even if it's better than my old one, I'm scared I'll lose all the progress I've made. When I'm overwhelmed I tend to just sleep and everything else falls to the wayside. I feel like I can't stay with part time work because all my friends and family expect me to get back to full time work ASAP, and feel like I'm not moving forward in my career otherwise. Everyone keeps telling me to just give it a chance, it'll all work out, but I'm not sure what to do/think. Advice on what to do about work and how to calm down enough to sleep tonight and how best to manage everything going forward?",Stress +49223,"no good days I have so much stuff to do and worry about i cant relax i have schizophrenia and hear voices occasionally, im on 7 medications for it, i got denied for a cheaper apartment, i have an abusive bf, my job isnt paying the bills, i have a three year old to watch and provide for, i have bad social snxiety so im stressed meeting new ppl irl, alot of my family members are old or have passed away. I have this car to fix, i have debts to pay. .... a million problems wtf am i to do",Stress +48834,Future stress So i was kinda brought up thinking I already have a safe future place to settle and earn in but now it seems like it is going all down hill and I need to go for the best colleges I can try to get in.so yeah opted a difficult subject which is needed in some good colleges and with school I am starting now entrance exam coaching(on top of having my regular subjects coaching)so it’s kinda I can’t describe what I am thinking will I be successful will I have a job will I not be able to clear anything will I be left in between will I be helpless.I don’t think anyone I know is even little stressed about future so many of them have settled business.like I am holding my tears so much right now I really wanna cry.what do I do how do I try to focus how do I cope up with so much that I will start doing in just a few days.Will I be able to do anything at all and give up,Stress +28091,"The past few nights I have been drifting off to sleep and then I get the sensation that I'm falling and jerk awake. This happens for hours. I forget the scientific name for this, but it doesn't really matter. I've had it happen before to me, but never like 50 times in a row that prevents me from sleeping. Like fucking why?",Stress +29730,"I posted in this subreddit about 6 years ago and find myself here again. I am just venting, and hoping someone can normalize me... but I know it’s probably 1 in a million posts. The past several months have been horrific. I deal with death on a daily basis at my job, and worked the 1 October shooting in Las Vegas. Then, on 10/15, my mother was rushed to the hospital for a seizure.",Stress +48567,"Why is life so expensive I make fucking $15 an hour. I live with my mom, her boyfriend, my older sister, her boyfriend, and their 3 kids. By the way, I'm a hospital janitor. I wipe up blood, piss, shit, other various body fluids for a living. Everyone at work has said give us a raise. They refuse every time. + +Guess who the only source of income is. + +What they don't understand is, on top of me paying rent and providing, I have my own shit to pay for, and being broke pretty much just means I'm gonna have to go in debt, god willing my upcoming paycheck is enough put me back in the positive... hell, I messed up my wrist like 5 months ago and got it looked at, all they said was ""yeah it'll be fine in time"" and I AM STILL GETTING BILLS FROM THEM. + +My family is always telling me to save up my money and get the fuck out. I couldn't agree more, I despise living with these people more than words can describe. But, if that was an option, I would have done it by now.",Stress +49140,"I can physically feel stress. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/to8uku)",Stress +29119,"As mentioned above, my girlfriends gets pissed off when I act uninterested in her friends and starts accusing me of hating them, which is ridiculous because I hardly even know them, and she gets really upset and stops talking to me for awhile. I'm starting to think that it's gonna end up being a choice between me or her friends and so far, I'm losing. TL;DR: My girlfriend's friends are annoying as fuck and I'm not very fond of them. I don't ever say anything negative about them, yet my girlfriend still gets pissed off if I don't praise them. All our arguments are about them.",Stress +29385,"My friend made a comment that really embarrassed me because, up until that point, I hadn't realized how unusual it probably appeared. Since then, I've been more conscious of myself doing this and, while it feels like a shameful secret, I continue to do it. I know I never did this before, so I'm wondering if it has anything to do with what happened to me. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I feel like I'm the only one.",Stress +27497,"I know I should tell her my doubts, because I know she's gone through doubts before as well. But I also don't know if now I'm just second guessing because I'm just generally concerned about the future. Above all I just have no idea what to do. --- **tl;dr**: living long distance, dealing with chronic wedding anxiety and fear about impact of children, fantasizing about others, and hoping for insight from people who have been through similar experiences.",Stress +28776,"I was diagnosed with PTSD after I was assaulted when I was 18, but to be honest I've never really felt like I had it. I can usually push things down so deeply that I don't feel many repercussions of what I've been through aside from a lot of shame. In the last 4 months though, someone who's been on and off harassing me since I was 17 has resurfaced. He was sending me hundreds of texts and calling me saying things varying from ""you're going to marry me and we can have kids and live together forever"" to ""you're a whore and you're a disgusting person and I want to (insert threat) you"". He makes fake accounts and tries to add me or adds my friends accusing them of taking me from him.",Stress +29620,"However, today I was sitting at work and for whatever reason I started thinking about the knife incident. This new person I'm dating has never done anything wrong, but I had a thought of what they would look like holding a knife. It was a pretty stupid thing to think about, it caused the worst panic attack I've had in months and had to go for a walk around the block to clear my head. I don't want the event from my previous relationship to have an impact on the potential of this new one. Does anyone have any advice for breaking free from this sort of thing?",Stress +29858,"I could stay up here alone, but he says he’ll be where ever we are. I feel trapped and I think it’s making me like I’m acting like a child these days. At least from my perspective. He drained my accounts and I’m financially dependent because I fear not paying bills and I have to feed my daughter and myself. In laws say they can help us...but they’re still his parents.",Stress +49319,"Tension muscle pain Due to stress I am getting horrific muscle pains from tension, is there anyone out there who experiences the same thing? It’s predominantly my back, shoulders and neck 😓 + +All day today I’ve had a tension headache too with a sick and dizzy feeling 😭 + +For the last week I have been taking magnesium, vitamin D (due to slight deficiency), ashwagandha & vitamin B12.",Stress +48711,My new job. Hello people of Reddit I am a 16 year old female and I live with my grand mother she is sweet and took me in when my mother couldn’t anymore. I when into a job and I start training today but everything I heard of her seem that if I get a job I might lose everything that she been working on. She say I just need to force on school but I want to work like my friends and work hard for my money. I’m wondering if I should just quit. Because I’m sick of hearing it. It seem like anything I want to do I get told the bad part but never the best part of it. What should I do?,Stress +29072,"I would rather kill myself than hurt other people so why the fuck did that even occur to me? My therapist told me I'm meant to be alive and hugged me and I don't even know why because how could I be meant to be alive if I have thoughts like this? What's the point? It honestly feels like depression or ptsd or whatever this is has stripped me of normal human emotions and humanity and I'm just like this vacuum moving around undetected that people, like my therapist, fail to see is awful and unlovable and unfixable. I don't feel anything in conversations, I have trouble with empathy sometimes.",Stress +29983,"Has anyone else had this sensation? Also, if I close my mouth so my teeth are close together, I can tell that they are constantly chattering. I've definitely been much more anxious than usual lately as I work full-time at an emotionally challenging job and just decided to go back to school to pursue a Master's degree via night classes, but this shaky sensation has been a little alarming as I can't tell if it is anxiety related or something worse (which certainly contributes to the anxiety!!). If anyone has any suggestions or words of wisdom, I would be so appreciative. Thanks in advance!",Stress +49099,"Balancing school, social life and work How to do balance your school and working life? Are you working and attending school at this moment and how you balance it? Is it even possible to have a social life when you work and go to school?",Stress +48707,"how to stop eating fingers skin Hello, + +I noticed everytime I am stressed or thinking I destroy my finder skins by either eating with my teeth (should be fix in a few as I have to get Invasilign for teeth alignment) but also with my other hands fingers. + +Do you have any good workaround or ideas to get over this bad habits? My fingers look so bad I feel very shame! + +Thank you :)",Stress +48924,"I have so much to do and no motivation to do it I need to write cards, I hate writing cards. I never know what to say. I also don’t know who to write them to bc dad didn’t make a full list for me. + +Then I have this ten hour math thing I need to do for college cause I don’t wanna take two math classes. + +I’m also struggling to figure out what kind of computer I need to college cause originally I was gonna just get an iPad but I’m being told ser eral different things that all make sense. + +It’s really got me down and thinking of whether I made the right choice to go to college. Im not smart, im not motivated, im not independent, I don’t even know how my bank account works or how im supposed to work on campus. Which I have to sign up for a job. Crap that’s another thing I have to do. + +I feel so worthless and stressed. I wish the tree by my house would just fall on me and kill me. It would make my life so much easier. Ik my family would hurt but I don’t feel lived by them anyways…",Stress +29211,All I can do is think about how bad finals are going to be. I hate it so much. I'm going to be so tired. I'm going to fail. My grades are so low I have to do great to keep them above passing.,Stress +28065,"No, that's not an exaggeration but I wish I was. While I was driving last Tuesday I got extremely lightheaded, sweaty, and then pulled over and vomited blood all over the interior of my car. After a few moments of wonder if 'this was it' and deciding 'it definitely wasn't it, not on a highway' I snapped by myself back to what life was left and drove to the next exit to find help. My SO has a great summary of why this ended up costing so much money, but it's a sequence of very unfortunate events. That's even before the fact that while I was intubated and unconscious someone lifted the bag of all my clothes wallet.",Stress +49221,"I’m extremely overwhelmed and need help managing my stress I (31F) am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with work. The workload has drastically increased within the last 6months and I’m having a hard time keeping up with is causing a lot of stress and instability. I can’t sleep and don’t have energy for hardly anything outside of work. + +I’ve always had very demanding jobs but this is definitely one of the toughest times I’ve been in. On top of that, my personal life isn’t that swell either. + +I thought I’ve always managed my stress well because I’ve always lived a difficult life but I’m realizing that I’m not handling it well at all. I’m forming bad habits and it’s only effecting my overall productively and work ethics. + +Does anyone have any tips to the best way to handle high stress and feeling overwhelmed with too many tasks at hand? + +Any natural tips for sleep aids would be really helpful as well! + +I appreciate any and all support!",Stress +49347,"Hardest part about dealing with stress In an effort to support each other here... + +Open discussion: What is the hardest part about dealing with stress? Share what you are going through. I'm sure it will help me too and I'd feel that I am not alone. I'll go first - My relationships are taking the backseat. My children suffer too.",Stress +29336,"I dont know what to do to be liked again, i guess it would be different if she had hated me from the beginning but that just isnt the case. She also hates my boyfriend and doesnt allow him anywhere near her house. I cant move because the rent is only $500 and I cant afford anything else, and yes, I do have a job. I've even asked her why she thinks I'm so stupid and she said ""because nobody taught you these things"" so I guess shes helping, it's just hard to know that I'm a failure. I try to meditate and to think very very very deep before I say anything, like to try and think of every outcome and if it might make her hate me more then I shouldnt say it.",Stress +28323,"I keep getting sudden, very short panic attacks. Or anxiety attacks. I'm not sure if I feel fear, I don't even know what the feeling is because I forget everything short term afterwards. They last a presumably short amount time and is the worst feeling imaginable to me. Some random thought I can never remember triggers it (it's definitely something that repeats though, it's a familiar feeling afterwards).",Stress +29451,But this incident has been troubling me for a couple of days now. I guess I am just sick and tired of my trauma interfering with my relationships. I feel bad for my boyfriend- he shouldn't have to put up with this stuff. I know he loves me and he is terribly worried. But I also feel bad for me.,Stress +27375,Also the headaches. LOADS of headaches all the time. I’m so done. I hate this almost as bad as my brain constantly telling me I’m a POS. Anxiety is fun :),Stress +27532,I typically would not care in the slightest about things like that but I feel as if since my good friends basically turned their backs on me that I am at a loss? If my good friends did before does that mean everyone else will too? **TLDR: GF and I broke up. She is trying to turn people against me. What can I do?,Stress +48354,"Interested into breath work to relief stress - :Take part in 2 minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +28173,It can take weeks until the problem is solved or I realise I was anxious over nothing. Recently I'm moving home due to family circumstances and it's something I didn't want to really do yet but I am having to and the place I'm moving to is lovely but I'm really anxious over it and whether I'm doing the right thing. These thoughts I'm having are causing this really dark awful feeling. Is this feeling common? I wondered if this feeling is my intuition but I don't believe it is I think it's purely anxiety.,Stress +27704,"I knew that he was scary when he would pray in front of me, yet the entire thing was an angry ATTACK on God (not trying to get into beliefs here, just what happened.) I knew he knew how wrong he was when he told me one day to not tell anyone but that he actually HAD threatened suicide in front of his ex wife with a knife, yet still painted her as the evil doer in the story. I knew he was lying when he made sure to tell me about how crazy one of his exes went at the end accusing him of rape (why would he even bring it up!!) and how after he took another ex home from injury while we were together, that she might try to lie to me and say that something happened, but NOTHING did! It gave me chills when this man would tell me if his ex wasn't his child's mother he would have had her murdered long ago, and that he had friends offer to help!",Stress +49417,For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency? For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency?,Stress +29279,"But I'm literally afraid of him because I feel like every second he's gonna stand behind me again and grunt at me that he changed something or completely rewrite my code. Plus, I don't know if maybe he is talking badly about me as well when I'm not there (it seems likely). What can I do? --- **tl;dr**: Coworker who is supposed to show me the ropes is super grumpy and I find him intimidating, can I do anything about this?",Stress +48810,,Stress +28092,Wtf. I did this to myself. I knew I needed to study and I just kept putting it off and putting it off. I knew I didn’t do well but I didn’t think I bombed it so fucking hard. I’m going to have to lie to everyone about it.,Stress +48470,"Please help me I beg Please help I beg … + +I have a huge problem trying to sleep + +I hate dreaming and the thought of dreaming or just realizing I’m in a different reality of the world sometimes it makes me not want to sleep or I don’t be able to sleep I want to break out of this mindset but I don’t know where to start everyone suggests me therapist but they always make me try to pay something when I simply just want answers and it’s frustrating cause I’m 17 going through this and everyone is trying to use me as a piggy bank instead of helping me become better",Stress +27669,"! I feel like I am in a pit that I cannot escape from. I know that I am anxious all the time and terrified of fucking up and I know for sure that the more anxious I am, the more I cannot focus well and think straight and the more likely it is for me to fuck up .. and somehow, everytime I do, I feel like I just want to belittle myself so much that I deliberately and purposefully want to see myself covered in blood and bruises because I feel like I deserve it! ! EDIT 2 ..",Stress +48389,"Kind of a weird question about stress So, there’s this thing I’ve been dealing with for a while. When my body is under physical stress, or I’m under mental stress, I sometimes get the urge to hiccup. Not a series of hiccups, just one annoying outburst. And I guess I don’t really know if I’d call it a hiccup even. My parents have taken to calling it a “narg” because that’s basically the sound I make during a particularly strong one. Has anyone else ever experienced this before? And is it even really an involuntary stress reaction? It’s been happening for years. I even had an ultrasound on my gallbladder, since my doctors didn’t know what could be causing it. No issues there either. I’d love to hear if anyone has any similar situations.",Stress +49164,"I feel like I'm losing the plot So much going on and I can't focus on any of it, my thoughts are all over the place, instantly to the worst possible place. Tried writing stuff down, thinking logically but nothing is helping, lost interest and drive, feels like I've given up, finding myself just crying because I can't cope with it all. + +Any advice would be greatly appreciated",Stress +29959,It was all so wrong of me. It started happening when we went to my father's bday weekend and a family member groped me and I remembered that he also did stuff like that. A lot of em did. My partner was sad and fell asleep after I told them. I couldn't sleep.,Stress +27475,"I am so confused! Why is he playing these games? I have made it clear I want him back and to me it’s like he has feelings but is unwilling to say anything? TL;DR I��ve been dating a guy for a few months, we split up over a silly petty argument, since we’ve split up he’s been maintaining that he wanted us to break up but he’s checking in on me and asking what I’m doing. Is he just being controlling or does he have feelings still?",Stress +29930,"I haven't ever been triggered by my grandma(until now) and even though it made me upset I had a ""well, it could be worse"" mentality. So yesterday my grandma got mad. Really mad. She started screaming at me, calling me names, and then threw a book at me. This triggered the trauma from my mom.",Stress +48476,Back to stress/depression eating Lost about 80 pounds since 2019 and now since starting new job 6 months in I can’t stop stress eating. Gained about 20 pounds in the last 6 months from starting this job now I can’t control myself feel like I’m going to gain it all back,Stress +48482,"How to deal with stress [https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq](https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq) + +This comprehensive and easy-to-follow ebook, that contains a lot of science backed strategies to dealing with stress will improve your overall wellbeing instantly.",Stress +49280,"How long does this take? Hey everyone, i am currently a doctorate student and have been really struggling with mental stress and feelings of not being good enough( with regards to my career). My stress causes impact on my digestion which in turn causes more stress to me. I have been managing my gut health but it relapses every now and then. + +My stress levels mostly come when i have been unable to do an important task in my research or if it takes some considerable time to do them. Additionally, feeling of not being smart enough for my career keeps trickling down at the back of my head (Which i think is the major reason of my stress). + +I do breathing exercises and they have been great in the short term or for that instance but stress keeps coming back. I have been pretty consistent with mindfulness and other things but it always end up coming back. + +Does any one know how long would it take to see some permanent results? (Sometimes, i feel it will be when i get done with my doctorate degree!)",Stress +29572,"My bank didn't notify me at all, though a lot of the transactions happened outside the country. I currently have about $8 to my name from my savings, which has since been overdrawn. I have been looking for a new job, staying at this one because I have a good boss and because it pays above minimum wage. People effortlessly walk all over her, and though she gets mad about it, company policy as well as her personal precedence, has really tied her hands. I'm one of about three reliable people, and get saddled with the shifts no one bothers to show up to.",Stress +29521,"They would text and call constantly throughout the day begging me to forgive them for hurting me but that they're in love and love can't be stopped. They got increasingly angry and started calling me selfish for trying to keep them apart. After I wrote a bit about the sexual abuse in an anonymous online diary my ex (who knew my username but I thought I had blocked from the site) started harassing me more. Angrily telling me that I need to stop pretending he raped me and how I wanted everything that happened and that I was just a jealous ex. I won't and kinda can't (remember missing pieces of time) go into all the details, but he gaslighted me pretty bad.",Stress +27357,"Everything sets me off and I'm almost having a panic attack. I'm going to my dads soon and that also makes me anxious because I'm afraid that I'm not in the mental state to go there and I want to stay at my moms but he really isn't happy when I do that. Anyway when she complains or is feeling bad I comfort her and I've never raised my voice at her even when frustrated. When she thinks I disagree with her she raises her voice, I have to talk about what she wants to in general right now because she gets impatient easily. I feel like vomiting because she also has so many redeeming factors but I don't want to lose her as a friend.",Stress +48324,"Feel like everything thinks i'm annoying and I'm unhappy with how I never stand up for myself. I've been planning my wedding that is happening in May of this year. + +I got engaged a few months ago in January, and at first I felt fine with taking on everything but now it's starting to get into my head and I feel overwhelmed everyday. + +My days consist of me working, wedding planning, and sleeping. Most of the time if i'm doing something other than that, I'm thinking of my wedding anyways. If I go shopping there's always something that will catch my eye and remind me of what I need to do or purchase for the big day. + +Not only that, but my partner is in another country (LDR) and he can only do so much to help me with it all besides pay for things here and there. I live on my own while my partner lives at home (he's never been on his own before) and i'm struggling to pay for small things like a DJ or even cake. + +I've tried talking to him about wedding stuff and he tends to get overwhelmed or be distracted with other things he's doing like gaming etc. Last night, I was talking to him about décor options we had and I showed him our ceremony space. It's on a terrace/large outdoor patio at this nice hotel in my city. I went personally to view the venue a week after we got engaged, sent him videos and photos, and he loved it too! Now when i showed him the photos last night he made a few ""not so happy"" faces and I almost started crying right there from the stress of it all. He kept saying ""I guess it'll have to do.."" and things like that. Felt like I screwed it up so bad. + +I feel like a failure, that I picked a bad venue...and to top it all off I have a few people in my bridal party who are being really catty towards me now. They keep shitting on me for having ""bad communication"" even though I'm trying my best and have everything on MY shoulders. They haven't offered to do anything specific but constantly say ""I want to help in any way I can! Let me know what to do!"" and I have no clue what to ask them. Also, a bridesmaid of mine really dislikes my MOH and tries to make me feel like she's not doing ""enough"" and says she feels she's unsupportive. + +I didn't even want a big wedding at a hotel. I originally imagined a wedding where I am married at a nice park, have dinner at a nice restaurant and then go to a pub for a beer after to celebrate. + +The only reason it became a big wedding is because of my in laws and my family coming, plus a bunch of my friends wanted to go. My fiancé is only bringing 3 family members and none of HIS friends are going to come (despite travelling to Mexico for a wedding recently). + +After all this, I can see why people elope or have really really small weddings.",Stress +48913,"Having a hard time This is a vent to help myself de-stress? Lol! For the past 7 years, that I have lived in my current city, I have unfortunately moved from one lousy situation into the next, due to thinking it was a good idea to move in with friends to help out my crummy finances and needing cheaper rent. For the past almost 3 years due to the pandemic and other situations, I moved into a “rooming” type housing situation, which for the past 2 and a 1/2 years, me and my dog did have full use of a basement to ourselves. Last July, my company announced that they would be laying off around 40 people, myself included. What my stupid company didn’t bank on, was supply chain issues with getting key integral parts to operate equipment, so they kept delaying our end of work date for the past 12 months. When I found out that I was to be laid off a year ago this July, I stupidly told the lady I rented my basement from about the news, but seeing how at the time, my company didn’t announce when our actual end date would be due to supply chain issues, she took it upon herself and “guessed” that my end date would be around May of this year and I will have been moved out, so, she went ahead and rented the basement out to a family of three. This was a major jerk move on her part. Seeing how I am really strapped for cash and couldn’t afford to get another apartment for me and my dog with not knowing when I would actually be moving out, she offered for me to move into her “sunroom” this past May, until my end date, and she she would move her mattress into her living room to sleep in. My company finally announced that our end of work date would be at the end August, this past May, and I unfortunately have to stay on working and living where I am due to those reasons. Seeing how this past year has been touch and go with NOT knowing when my company would announce this end of work date, and with not knowing when this opposed announcement would be happening, I thought it would be stupid to move somewhere else, and have to sign a lease for however long, so seeing how I live month to month here, I chose to stay. Since moving into her “sunroom,” it has been a friken nightmare. She consistently picks on me and flat out accuses me of doing things that I haven’t done. I am not allowed to flush the toilet unless “it’s brown,” she accused me of “killing” her precious plant, I have to keep the sunroom door shut during the day so that the heat doesn’t come through the whole house…friken stupid stuff like that. She has gotten a bit too overly attached to my dog as well, and drops stubble “hints” about how happy my dog is living here 😑 my dog and I will be relocating to another province to attend school, so I can upgrade my current skills at the end of August. Just this past Wednesday, my friend, got word that she has to go work out of town this week, so she offered for me and my dog to go and stay at her place, to get away from the madness here and also mind her cat. When I told the lady this, she mentioned how this wouldn’t be a good idea and how it would disrupt my dog’s routine with living here and how it is probably super hot at my friend’s apartment (meanwhile she has no air conditioning here). The first night there wasn’t so good, because my dog was in unfamiliar area, and she was all nervous and panting a lot. My dog has done this many times before when camping, or going away for a holiday…so I got her some “calming” spray to see if that would help. My dog and I came back to the house last night, because I have my car scheduled for servicing, and a garage which is literally 5 minutes away from the house, so instead of staying at my friend’s apartment, we came back here to sleep last night, for getting to the garage would be way easier in the morning. When we arrived back last night, the lady in question was like “ohhh she is so happy to be back” of course she would, she is in familiar surroundings…however, seeing how we’ll be moving at the end of August and staying in hotels over night and other friend’s places…staying at my friend’s apartment is a good trial run. When I mentioned that to the lady…she munched up her face as if to say “oh…I don’t like the sounds of this.” So, I am at the point with waiting for her to literally say to me “why don’t you just leave your dog with me” and that is when I will snap. Thanks to all who read my vent…",Stress +27358,"I’ve been taking 12.5 mgs zoloft for about 6 months (yeah, super small dose .. but it was taking the edge off, i think). I decided to stop taking it for a few days to see if it was really helping. Now, about 40 hours since my last dose, I’m suddenly kind of shaky and also flushed (my cheeks are burning for no reason. And THOSE side effects are about to freak me out - do you think it is from my missed dose? Is it possible to have such a fast reaction?",Stress +48715,"Wife is out of town and I'm juggling a stressful job and two kids on my own. Fuck this is hard. IDK - just venting here. + +I manage a software technician/support team, it's stressful on the best of days and I work 50+ hours a week. Well we just lost one of our best guys, and our engineers pushed a new release of the software and as fucking *always* QA dropped the ball and it fucked production up and so caused a bunch of extra work for my team (me). + +To top it off this coincided with my phone suddenly breaking (screen stopped working, can hear calls come in but can't answer), my wife is out of town, and I'm juggling a 4 and 7 year old. + +I feel like I'm going to melt, cry, die...",Stress +48463,It’s not gonna be long before I have see a therapist As by the title yes I may need to see a therapist soon for what reason you might ask well here a little background so me and my girlfriend have been dating a whole 9 months her birthday is tomorrow and Valentine’s Day is literally right around the corner and I’m trying to focus on school and she’s clingy as hell which means I barely get to have my own personal space somedays I don’t even get to handout with the boys because of her and school not to mention I’ve got crap tons of homework everyday that I do and don’t do mainly because I stay up playing video games thinking on how I can be a better boyfriend to her and I’ve even gone some nights not eating and overall I’ve just got a shit ton of stress and I feel like shit every day and it’s hell 😭😭😭,Stress +49176,"IT and anxiety I'm a software developer and work long hours sometimes. When I get a complex problem to solve I'm getting nervous and eventually had tension headaches lasting for the entire day. At this stage, I cannot solve a simple problem even 1 + 1. My entire head is overtaken by the pressure and there is no space for other thoughts. Antidepressants provide some relief but destroy my sexual life. This is a horrible way to live so I'm thinking to start a coffee shop and resign from IT. I really love IT and programming but my biochemistry just doesn't want me to be in there.",Stress +28923,"Hourly employees start arriving at 4am and then myself and the other managers will delegate the days plan to the employees. We are typically very understaffed to be able to work in new items, recover the floor and excute the GM’s planned item moves for the day, so after we delegate the managers become stockers and work alongside the hourly employees to get done. I don’t mind physical labor and hard work, it’s actually my favorite part of my job, but it’s hard to run an operation as large as restocking and remerchandising a 200,000 sq ft facility while you are stuck stocking. The store opens at 9:30 am at which point I will try to start my administrative tasks, but just like in the morning the building is usually understaffed so it’s more common than not for me to be either cashiering for several hours, or helping out in the deli and/or bakery. Some days I’m lucky enough to get a lot of time in the office to complete my daily tasks, but most days I do not.",Stress +29720,"Sometimes my voice catches for a minute and I flush dark red. I feel like my heart is in my throat, like it's closed up a bit. Bump. Bump. Bump.",Stress +48953,,Stress +49346,"Dealing with stress related gastric problems I get awful tummy problems when I’m stressed, to the point where it’s hard to eat properly. How do you guys deal with this? I’ve had quite a run of stress lately, and as a side effect I haven’t been eating enough",Stress +27875,"The following week, my mom let me use her car to drive my brother to another city for an appointment. The car is going to be mine when she buys herself a new one, so I was really excited about driving it around more often. Everything was fine until I got to the actual city and then a woman drove through a red light and hit my mom's car. I held myself together because my younger brother was with me and he has his own depression to deal with, he didn't need to see his sister break down. The car was still driveable, so I dropped him off and his appointment and then had my meltdown in the drivers seat while explaining everything to my mom.",Stress +48773,"I'm fucked and I am angry as fuck. My business got sealed. I have lost alot of money. It is not something I cant live without. I am rich but, nobody likes losing money. I am more angry then stressed. Fuck my country.",Stress +28529,"And it's like that all the time when similar experiences occur. Now this probably has connections to the social anxiety and depression I suffer from (heck I'm feeling anxious rn as I type this) but it's so weird. I mean I guess it kinda makes sense if I'm so insecure, right? Does anyone else suffer from similar forms of anxiety or sort of related? Interested to know.",Stress +29993,Good day. I am from the Philippines and I was recently diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety almost a month ago (July 10th). Since then it has been a very challenging and difficult time for me and my family. Work required me to secure a fit to work order before I can get back to work. My medical insurance does not cover mental health conditions and it took me over 3 weeks to secure one.,Stress +48831,"crying when stressed? Does anybody else cry as a stress response after a period of stress or anxiety? I find that often happens to me when I'm alone or in a dark place - literally. + +For example, I just came back from the cinema with my mother, and while watching the movie in a dark and safe place, the tears just started flowing, probably releasing all the built up tension from the last week. + +Problem is, that Mum noticed this and thinks there's something wrong with me now and ended up telling me to get over whatever I'm thinking about, but I'm fine. She doesn't understand that it's just a way my body gets rid of all the extra pressure and tension. + +My mind must find cinemas very relaxing...",Stress +49380,"New eBook: Stress Management Get the inside story – my new ebook about personal stress management, ""The **RESIST™ Method:** **How to Be Stress-Resilient in Just 7 Days. If you want to know more, click this link.** [https://melchopasikatan.samcart.com/products/the-resist-method-how-to-be-stress-resilient-in-just-7-daysdcxz1](https://melchopasikatan.samcart.com/products/the-resist-method-how-to-be-stress-resilient-in-just-7-daysdcxz1)",Stress +49197,,Stress +29557,I wish I could go back and just not fuck up so horribly. I was begged not to go out on this date from tinder. My friend was raped off tinder and told me all guys want are sex off tinder. I had talked to my assaulter and told him I didn't want to be touched and he was fine with it and seemed perfectly normal. I'm so stupid.,Stress +49362,"How to deal with stress [https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq](https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq) + +This comprehensive and easy-to-follow ebook, that contains a lot of science backed strategies to dealing with stress will improve your overall wellbeing instantly.",Stress +49110,"[Academic Survey] Need participants for class survey - college students with and without head injuries/TBI **This survey is for a research project at Maryville University, examining psychological and cognitive differences that college students with/without head injuries are experiencing. It should take no more than 20 minutes to complete. Only requirement is that you are enrolled in college courses and 18 or older.** + +[https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU](https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU)",Stress +48740,"Almost died today Today was a bad day. Driving on a highway. Being cautious. Very cautious. +2 lane road. With my child. Trying to overtake a semi. He speeds up. I slow down and he slowed down tooo. Passing lane ending. I sped up again. He speeds up too. Almost got hit head on, and side swiped from truck. He blares his horn . I am shaking. I manage to calm down eventually. It has been 8 hours since incident. I an still shakey. Advice please. There was nothing i dont know how to prevent this.",Stress +48988,"Seascapes, a playlist of smooth instrumentals and soft vocals great for focus, productivity and relaxation. Destress and lighten up your day with some great music. Enjoy! [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/28hLyn3dYE70ZOKye24IhI](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/28hLyn3dYE70ZOKye24IhI)",Stress +49145,"Mental Health or Money I could make a ridiculous amount of money if I stick it out a few more months at my work but I come home everyday in tears and throwing up because of how over worked I am should I: + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/tlhy7k)",Stress +48800,"im over thinking everything i'm a 18 (F) freshmen in college, I have been going to this library on campus for the past few days there has been this recurring guy (im assuming 18/19) that I have seen every time (we have never spoken but have made a lot of eye contact) I have been there. there have been some time where the library was packed and I had to sit at the same table as him and vice versa today I was sitting alone at this table that me and him have sat at together a few times and he came over and sat at this table with one of his friends. + +Eventually one of my friends showed up and soon after his friend left (this left, me, my friend and him at a table that seats 4 people) soon after one of my other friends showed up so all the stats at the table where filled. we where all just working quietly for around an hour. after that hour he later left and my friends left soon after. I spent another hour there by myself finishing up some work + +I am a big glancer I look around a lot whenever I am doing something so this has caused me and this boy to make a lot of eye contact. when I was taking a break from my work I saw him coming back into the building me and him made eye contact and he quickly walked away this was a bit of a surprise because he usually sits down + +I assumed that he either wanted the table for himself or he had some friends coming and needed a bigger table. so I moved seats I got up and went to a single table. I went to go fill up my water bottle after I placed my stuff down at the new table, when I was walking back to my new table I made eye contact with him again because he was walking the same direction. + +I sat down at my new table and put my AirPods in assuming that he moved to the table that sat 4 people, out of the corner of my eye I saw him walk up to my table. I took my AirPods out and he asked me ""hey, you didn't move seats because of me right?"" with ought even thinking I just quickly shook my head and said ""oh no!"" before I could say anything else he said ""ok I was just making sure, have a nice day"" and he walked away. + +I ended up soon leaving after just beacuse there was no way I could focus after all of that but now im worried I have scared this boy off and ill never see him at the library anymore. I really dont know what to think I was hoping you guys would be able to give your options",Stress +30075,"I'm starting to really believe that my brain is the problem here and not trauma. Everyone just thinks I'm a dramatic slut anyway, so does it even matter? Like maybe they are right? I feel like I'm too embarrassed to even go back to my psych now. Today I seriously looked like a total basket case.",Stress +28246,its been 9 months now for our marriage and she managed to sleep with me with lights off as i cant even think of sleeping with lights on. now she is pregnant and its 8 months. now she wants to keep lights on in the room which i cant sleep with lights. what should i do ? is that behavior of my wife normal ?,Stress +48365,"I’m In Pain I will admit that I’m a bit of a hypochondriac and have a lot of anxiety surrounding my health, but I’m experiencing something I’ve never gone through before. Since Sunday evening, my whole body has been in extreme pain and I just have that feeling I get when I’m sick with something like a cold or the flu. But those are my only symptoms. I’ve had 2 negative Covid tests and just got a negative flu test from the doctor where they also did some lab work and gave me a prescription for my pain. + +The only other explanation I can think of for the cause of this is that I got extremely depressed and stressed out last week. I’m not new to stress or depression though, and I’ve never had this type of reaction before. + +Just wondered if anyone had any ideas or has experienced anything like this. I’m worried this is all in my head even though my pain feels very real and severe, and it doesn’t seem to be letting up at all.",Stress +27593,"I've been through treatment and had a period of relative health for a stretch. Then I had a bunch of new trauma experiences. I'm 5 or so years out from the last experiences and have moved 800 miles away, completely cut off from all former contacts with the exception of one close friend. The move helped for a while, then it hit with vengeance. Panic attacks, ruminating, depression, anger, the whole deal.",Stress +49091,"College is too much Well, it started in December when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, and that threw my life for a curve I did not see coming. I adapted really quickly and everyone tells me I’m “managing it so well,” but that doesn’t make me fee better or help me with my issues that I’m struggling with. This new disease has affected my performance in school royally. Attendance just hasn’t really been an option for me when I feel sick from my blood sugar or have technical difficulties with my monitor or insulin pump. I’ve also been having a lot of issues with my depression and anxiety. I’ve been getting suicidal thoughts because I’m in a place where I feel like I’ll never be able to get out, and I’ve started cutting myself, which is a habit I quit doing months ago. I can’t really turn to my friends because they’ve started treating me differently, much more distant, and when I ask about it, they just accuse me of being the distant one, but they constantly leave me behind, they don’t talk to me when we’re in groups, they’ll lie to me so that I won’t hang out with them… I just don’t feel like I’m the problem. Because of all of my health issues, I haven’t been able to do as well in school, which is stressing me out because I don’t want my gpa to plummet. I need the money from scholarships. What’s worse is that these classes that are probably going to cost me thousands of dollars in the long run, wouldn’t even be beneficial to me if I passed them with flying colors, because they aren’t for my major and they won’t even fill out a gen ed. I feel like I’m drowning under pointless work and I just want it all to be erased. I just want to be able to get the support I need for my new diabetes and for my depression and anxiety and harmful thoughts. I don’t want to feel like the only thing I can do about taking life’s pummeling is to just cry and feel like a failure. Does anyone have any advice?",Stress +48297,,Stress +29635,She gave me an 11 pm curfew even though I was in my 20s and never gave me a key. She not picked every little thing I did even though I tried so hard to be a good guest because I thought maybe that’s why She didn’t like me. Whenever I am allowed to come here I have to bring my own food and own blanket. When I told my mom I was in such a bad mental space that I thought I was going to kill myself and didn’t feel safe to be alone she said I couldn’t come over.,Stress +29749,The violence was still happening. The mind games were also still happening so I felt like it was my fault. That I had done something wrong to “deserve” it. I supported both him and myself in this new state while he was in school. I ended up losing my job for reasons out of my control and had a really difficult time finding a new job.,Stress +49172,"University Degree Stress Hello I'm currently in my third year of university. Since the start I have been very stressed and at times had bad thoughts come into my head. I tried to talk to my parents about switching programs or go to university with less expectations (The University I'm going to is known to be brutal to their students). Sadly that didn't work which I understand from my parents side if I get through it then it will pay off. The next two years for me is just going to be quite scary as I'll be doing a Full Time course load in the Fall, Spring and Summer for two years straight. Just ranting I guess and some sort of motivation would be nice honestly. + +School for me has always been a stressful topic and has never changed even in high school I'd say I've always been so anxious or stressed about the topic. Though what I can say is that once I do the two years at least I am out and finish my degree and I can move on from the idea of school. Just ranting at this point as this topic has definitely affected me a lot through out the years but this week it has affected me more than ever but I am now coming into terms that with the two year plan I got going it's not going to be that bad forever.",Stress +48516,"Dealing with constant stress on top of that have fallen sick and worried I have cancer I’m dealing with a really bad gut situation . Im only 29 but over the summer I was on a 2 month long holiday eating crap and that’s when my stomach problems started. I had blood on my stool at the end of two months and instead of treating it as a hemmoroid because of crap food I’ve been thinking I have colon cancer. Cut to the next 6 months of constant stress and anxiety and nausea and gut issues. I’ve never got constipated in my life before so I’m stressed about colon cancer and this is making me feel even more worried. + +I’ve been to the doctor and he told me the blood may be due to some minor rectal irritation but nothing to worry about. He didn’t check me physically though. + +All my blood tests and stomach ultrasound is clear but I can’t get over the thought of having colon cancer as whenever I’m constipated there’s been blood. + +I’m an extreme hypochondriac and im going through one of the most stressful times of my life and im worried I have colon cancer twenty four seven. Im constantly naseous and I have cramps. My stomach hasn’t been the same in 7 months and I never had this problem earlier. + +Current symptoms : stomach cramps, inability to empty stomach, blood on toilet paper, swollen anus( I can feel a swelling in the area), lots of acid reflux, constantly , and constipated + +Current Mental State// Life Problems: My dad’s company shut down over night 5 Years ago- both my parents literally have 0 money and we come from quite a upper class background from back in the day. They have no idea how to move forward in the future, I’ve had back to back 4 traumatic relationships where I feel like I’ve only been dumped because of the troubles my dad is facing and no one wants to be a part of this kind of a family. I’ve had men enter my lives, totally support me and fly away with all my trust broken back to back and all of this has broken me. I also saw my best friend pass away in a freak fire accident 3 years ago. All my friends are married / getting married and I feel constantly alone and sad. I can’t cope +I run my own company and I’m independent enough to live my life currently - but there’s no security for the future and I’m just constantly feeling like I’m racing with time to make ends meet. I feel like no one understands the place I am in physically and mentally and my physical health is making me unable to work mentally - and if I don’t work I won’t be able to sustain myself. + +I used to be a go getter- constantly at the gym and now I struggle to get out of bed. I have no answers on what’s happening to me . + +The last time I saw fresh blood was in JULY and now again In December. It’s fresh and very little but enough to make my mind spiral and think I’m dying/ I can’t switch off my brain and I’m constantly burning - farting and have reflux too! + +Do you think stress / anxiety are making my symptoms worse? I love to drink and I can’t even touch a drink thinking my stomach will spasm and bleed which makes me even more nervous and anxious. I’m at a loss of words and I can’t live a normal life. I want to switch off from the thought that I have a serious disease. + +Someone please help",Stress +27711,"I am 25 years old and recently had to stay with my mother and her new husband. My mom has had issues on and off throughout my childhood, but it is only recently that I identified her as a narcissist. We used to be very close (inappropriately so), but last week she disowned me and asked me to move out over a Reddit post she found of mine (not this account). I am moving out on Sunday, and have been enduring the silent treatment for about two weeks. I was raped by an acquaintance less than 6 months ago, and everything is hitting me all at once.",Stress +29886,"It made me feel so... small. After I left, I felt angry, really fucking angry. I don't want to call the office and make a fuss, I want it behind me. I'm just angry that someone could really think that way. I'm angry.",Stress +48692,"So much happened this week and i can't handle myself. I am 28 years old and my birthday is tomorrow. I am not the one who cares much about my age or celebrates it. However i am having a very bad week and seem too stressed out. + +To start with, i was on a weekend trip with my girl friends to relax and meet after 2 long years. It was fun. But i am always the 3rd wheel in that friendship. They both are nice to me and they wish well for me. But i am the complete opposite of them. They are funny , crack jokes , extrovert and i am none of it. I just listen to them and enjoys the company sort of. They are good looking and can carry themselves. I am bit on the fatty side and does not look much good in the pictures. I think it always bothers me. + +Anyways , i come back from the trip and thought to stay with my boyfriend for some days. I feel lonely even when he is around. He gets very excited about his work and talks continuously about it. I am very much discouraged and demotivated by it even though i should not. He helped with a lot of stuff at work. I keep wondering why i am not excited as much as he is. I am interested in doing my work but i am not an expert. Just an average person at work. But i am a team lead too and the management part of comes easily for me. + +I normally handles the new joinee mentorship, any documentations, managing the team calls , setting up sessions. Somewhat what a culture team would do. I like doing this but i don't want to be known for it. Anyways past week, my department head called me up and said he sending some names selected for attending a training and asked to review it. I thought I might be in it but i was not. Every lead except me which made me very sad. I do not know why i was not even considered. I am not that bad. Yet again. + +This all happened when i was still at my boyfriend's place. I don't think he knows i was struggling with all this negative vibes happening. Still i thought i will hold my head high. I started going through my drive which the girls uploaded the pics of us. I don't normally go through it. I thought i might as well because my sister was asking for pics. So i selected some which i looked better with them. I thought i will send some good ones and some bad ones for the fun of it. The moment i send it, she replied telling me i look terrible in it. That I have put on too much weight and no one would tell this to my face. By that point, i was breaking down. I was crying hard and was feeling so much heavy in my heart. I was with my boyfriend and yet he does not know my heart was breaking with all the pain. I don't if i should blame him or I should have gone to him. May be he does not know i am struggling and i am not willing to tell him my struggles. + +So i texted my sister back, "" yup, i know"". I don't think she know i was upset. Then my second sister texted me saying i should take care of my health. Our family has diabetes genes. She was telling me the same thing. I was okay with her msging but i am very upset with the other sister for bitching about my weight. I only send pics to her. + +This all happened on Friday. At work, i did literally nothing. I could not do anything. I keep thinking about hypothetical scenarios and to wishful thinking if i could just leave everything behind. It was so much pain. + +Tomorrow is my birthday and i want to be alone..just alone. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this birthday is the thing that's making me miserable. But honestly i am not worried about getting aged. I am just tired. I know I should not expect people to come to you. But oh man I wish i could have someone who can feel me and i can open up to. I know i have people to talk. People will listen to me. But i can't open up to them. Everything is bottled up inside and i am so so stressed and sad and what not. + +I just wanted to write my miseries. Hope this helps me.",Stress +29762,"Short - I live in Christchurch, New Zealand and my friend is currently getting beaten by her husband, but has 3 dogs and will not leave without taking them with her as she fears what he might do to them. Long - She is currently living in a diffrent room to him but is getting beaten most nights, she has not signed a tenancy aggrement and the house she is renting is owned by her husbands best friend. She has pictures of the bruising and blood aswell as screenshots of the messages he is sending her. She has been in contact with womans refuge, unfortunatly there is not alot they can do because she does not want to leave. Also one of the dogs is old and usually sleeps inside.",Stress +27432,"I have four kids full time, almost a year ago their dad was removed because of substantial abuse. It's been incredibly hard making ends meet by myself and although I get rent paid, all other bills are stuck on the back burner. Our electric bill is over $400 and they're demanding $225 as a minimum payment. It's scheduled for disconnect today and I can't put it off any longer. I know it's a long shot but seriously needing a miracle at the moment.",Stress +28263,I think that's what it's called. Where you relive your trauma and talk about it to take the emotional response and power away. I am just nervous and very scared. Has anyone did this kind of treatment? Did it help?,Stress +27415,"But she says she can't stand hearing it because she's got enough on her plate as she actually suffers with depression herself. I do read other people's posts and think maybe I've actually had it easy. Maybe I'm just over exaggerating thing, but i feel like I need to get it off my chest. Anyway thanks for reading. ( sorry the post is so long ).",Stress +48307,"Am I choosing the right mindeset? I wonder.. is it my stress, time management, or myself as a person in general that is blocking myself from doing the best I can? Or is it my anxiety and overthinking getting to me? + +I am a F14 in my freshman year of high school, currently going through a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I'm trying really hard managing between piano, soccer, and my grades with school. I love everything equally, (well maybe except school..), but in the end, my grades are my priority over piano or soccer. I know that piano and soccer may benefit me throughout high school, but grades are more important. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on neither one. + +But here I am with a B- (84.5) in my history class, and I need to get it to an A- (90.1) by the end of my school final which is in about 2 months. Well I'll need an A- at least, so I could take AP Euro in my sophomore year, and it's only available in my sophomore year as well. AP Euro is definitely not a necessity for my next year in high school, but it'll benefit me a lot, and as my school is very tough and competitive, I want to achieve my goal and do it. My teacher is crazy strict, being 87 years old, he has his more ""older-fashioned"" and more ""understandable"" ways of grading. So I stress trying to fit into his perfect standards, but at the end of the day, I keep telling myself. In the future, there will always be people that will be wanting a perfect requirement that fits them. I will need to be able to be adjusting to those specific requirements, for the future, to benefit myself and my ideal career future and more. + +I've never gotten a B, or a grade range in the B section (B-, B, or B+) throughout middle school and my first semester of high school until now. Is it the stress that's piling on me after all these hard schoolwork I'm not managing well or enough with my time that I have? My sleep schedule is actually horrid, I usually sleep at 2-4AM waking up at 6AM, with soccer practice 3-4 times a week (usually I skip at least 1 day a week since it's a little too much), and 2 lessons of piano a week. Also including the clubs I've decided to join, Mock Trials, which is now coming to an end with competitions. Volunteering, which I guess I could choose which days to help out.. but.. The homework. The load at my school is actually crazy, about 2-3 assignments new each period, which is every day, so in a week total about 30-40 assignments, which is quite a buttload. It's due either the following days, or sometimes, a miracle as it is it'll be due next week. But then again, there's at least 1-2 tests a week, which I need to study a lot for. Oh of course, there's also the projects and essays, let's add about 1 for every other week. + +Should I take a break from piano or soccer, and put my grades at my priority instead? I think I can be able to take my grade, 84.5% up to a 90.1% at least, which is \~6% of a percentage raise that I'll need to be okay. Telling my friends this, all I get in response is the same, ""It'll be okay."" All I wish these days is someone to tell me more than ""it'll be okay"". I'm still new to the environment of high school, and figuring out what fits for me, and what doesn't fit for me. Encouragement, something I haven't heard in awhile, is what I hope boosts me. Thanks for reading this far. + +TLDR ; Not having the most decent grade in history class (84.5%), wanting to take AP Euro next year for my class, I need at least a 90.1% for my requirement to join the class. Struggling with the management of piano and soccer as well for my extracurricular activities, as well as school clubs, should I take a break from something? I need to put my grades before other stuff, including the fact to not freak out with studying and use time well. Also wish someone could tell me, I'm able to do it, and they have confidence in me. Thanks again.",Stress +28871,"In my mind I am in control of this, I don’t feel I ‘have’ to try. I can get away. It’s like I’m using drugs to escape but I’m not on drugs I’m just dissociating to a place I want to be. I feel that if I was forced to be in reality I’d be just as angry and terrified as a drug addict in rehab. I don’t know what to do.",Stress +48519,"Wanna Do a Stress quiz? Hello! + +I'm doing an assignment for my school about stress and I need reposnses. This survey is about the stressful situations many face throughout their lives. Although this survey may not be 100% accurate or realistic all I need are responses! And no worries this is 100% anonymous except for your age :D + +Here is the link to the Google form if you guys want to fill out the survey ---> https://forms.gle/Kk3Sw7QhcgwB4JDH6",Stress +48621,"wakeup by someone who suddenly mad. i wonder how a person reacts at suddenly wake up by get mad and angry for unreasonable things from a person. things that not making sense to be mad about. a narcissistic person that not going to tolerate with whatever you say and do. + +i wonder how normal human reacts. you just take a little nap. and suddenly your peaceful moments ruined by the person.. like a drunk person..",Stress +48343,"no good days I have so much stuff to do and worry about i cant relax i have schizophrenia and hear voices occasionally, im on 7 medications for it, i got denied for a cheaper apartment, i have an abusive bf, my job isnt paying the bills, i have a three year old to watch and provide for, i have bad social snxiety so im stressed meeting new ppl irl, alot of my family members are old or have passed away. I have this car to fix, i have debts to pay. .... a million problems wtf am i to do",Stress +27948,"I cook and clean every night and this is expected now. she berates my family (yeah my family is screwed up! but show me a family that isn't) and will freak out the moment I critiscise hers. she demanded I leave immediately this morning so had no time to pack belongings and arrange somewhere for myself and my cat to stay. today since being kicked out, just over 12 hours, I have received over 300 phone calls and over 1000 texts via all forms of communication.",Stress +29908,"They’re like flashbacks and everything I hated that he did , I want this new person to do to me to the point where I break down again. What the fuck is wrong with me please. These are violent degrading fantasies and they make me feel like a really disturbed person. The thought after an orgasm literally makes me cry. Someone out there has to know what I’m talking about please.",Stress +49275,"I'm BURNED OUT... What should I do? So, let me start by saying I'm 28 M, and I've been burned out for the last few years and just ""managing to get by."" I work a full-time 9-5 position (got promoted end of last year), I'm studying part-time in college (straight As till this recent semester, 3 courses every semester), I'ma caretaker and I take care of storeruns/bills/necessities for my home, and I have a significant other that I'm going steady with. + +So, my job has gotten to become majorly overwhelming, but the salary's great for someone with no degree, and I'm very used to working with this employer and the work that we do—however between an occasionally toxic environment and daily demands that I'm struggling to focus on (due to my burnout), I fear for my job safety and am becoming miserable. This semester, I find myself having no energy to take on my schoolwork after the workday. I had no option for in-person classes, and all of them are reading and/or writing intensive, none of which makes it any better. As a result of these two alone, I've found myself too tired and stressed to desire nutritious foods, and have adopted poor eating habits... Finally, I'm proud to take care of business for my home, and to have a loving and supportive partner... however, I'm really beginning to tire of the workload, and the result it's taking on my mental health. I do not want to fail, nor be fired, nor disappoint my loves ones... + +I know ""I'm worth it,"" and must take time for myself, but how? What does that truly mean? My breaks lately are watching a show while eating for a bit, or going to the market to shop for groceries... I haven't truly had a day off, and it's difficult to be ahead when you're working overtime at your 9-5 to catch-up to the constant demands. To my partner, I don't wanna litter our relationship with complaints or my personal woes. I wanna be a hero, an example, and stable... What do I need to do to recharge and get back on track? + +(Thanks in advance! Don't get it twisted. I'm venting, but beneath all of this is ambition and drive. Hence why it angers me that I'm feeling the ""fuck it"" mentality damn near...)",Stress +28788,And November. And then two weeks ago which resulted in heavy head bruising and another concussion that lasted all of the two weeks. He kneed me repeatedly on the head and kicked me in the face as well as punched me several times. I tried to escape. I tried to get away.,Stress +29344,"I decided to park behind it to see what their business was. They called 911 on me. I saw the copper stoppers coming and decided to pull in to my driveway, unload my kids and go inside while they dealt with the strange people. Well, the were there to deal with me! And one was walking up to question me while the other followed my children into my house!",Stress +49444,"Stress Relief Fidgeting App Hey everyone! + +We have developed a virtual fidget toys app, designed to maximize the benefits of fidgeting (like [stress and anxiety relief](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/14/well/move/why-fidgeting-is-good-medicine.html)) + +It is available in the App Store and Google Play for free, and we would really appreciate your feedback on it! + +App Store: [https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869](https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869) + +Google Play: [https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget) + +Thank you and have a great day :)",Stress +28162,"My heart races and my hands start to sweat, I immediately feel as if I need to pee and then worry as there’s no bathroom (on the train at least). The unknown is the problem here – how long will I be trapped? I know this is stupid – I know I am fine, I know in all likelihood we will be moving again shortly, but it’s the constant what ifs that set me off. I look around and everyone else looks perfectly calm – perhaps mumbling at the inconvenience, but I am gripped with fear. I hate it.",Stress +27737,I need help. I need sound advice on how I can overcome this situation. I need brutal honesty. Merci ! Please excuse my grammatical errors,Stress +29597,"I (30F) married my husband (31M) about 6 months ago after dating for 2 years and knowing each other for about 14. When we first hooked up, I had a very successful career in the adult industry and I supported him for almost 2 years before he got a job. He knew what I did before we hooked up because I had been in the industry for years and everyone back home knew. He told me multiple times that he accepted it and he loved me regardless. However, He has been very abusive, always blaming it on my job before and now that I have retired since our marriage he uses my past against me during every fight.",Stress +30071,"I created this gofundme as a way to help my mom pay our cats vet bills and because they all need to see a vet pretty badly. This is . I don't know if it is overtly clear in the picture but he has a cyst under his eye and treating it at home isn't working anymore. My mom is still paying off the vet bills from almost a year ago when my oldest cat Honey needed emergency surgery. Honey, Shea, and my youngest cat Emily all need to see a vet pretty badly but cost is too much.",Stress +27824,"But now, my cognitive processes feel so scrambled up and sluggish. I get so confused sometimes I have trouble filling out simple forms or answering questions on the phone. I'm in my 3rd year at a major university but my brain feels so messed up I don't know if I'll be able to finish. Does anyone else experience this? Have you found anything that helps?",Stress +28094,I drove the 10 minutes home with my fiance on the phone helping me count my breathing. I got home and collapsed. I couldn't breathe. My neck and chest hurt. I was hysterical.,Stress +27735,"I haven't posted here yet, but as everyone here has probably experienced, PTSD is one of the most isolating conditions. Even as an adult surrounded by other adults at school, I feel so isolated. It's really disappointing that other students in my class can't seem to grasp the concept of PTSD in people who aren't veterans. There is a fundamental lack of understanding that has resulted in further alienation. For some reason, dissociations in sufferers who are not former military is unacceptable.",Stress +27787,When I take the time to relax and think of something nice like a waterfall or a forest or something like that I then automatically think of how bad people are going to mess it up and pollute and make it worse and just be awful. It makes it hard for me to relax. I try to think of something tranquil and then thoughts like these pop into my head. Meditation isn't that nice for me. My mind just races.,Stress +48597,A simple guide on how to manage stress at work [https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work](https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work),Stress +48609,"is nighttime nausea from stress?? Recently i have been getting nauseous/ headaches mostly like around my neck and +I really hope its just. Stress +I feel so gross right now i hate it +Please someone answer im begging",Stress +29257,"Deep breathing, reminding myself that I'm just irrationally panicking, promising myself to take it step by step, analyzing the emotional baggage I've placed on this paper. For weeks now, it's been sitting on my computer, mocking me. It's late, and I'm slowly loosing motivation to even try. Can anyone help? I really want to try and edit the paper into something worth reading without feeling like I can't breathe.",Stress +48611,Trying to improve my life So I'm 33 and I'll be 34 in March. Right now I'm working at McDonald's but I'm having issues with scheduling so I'm looking for another job. I do have an AAS but I never used it so I'm tryna get back into school or into a certification program but I don't wanna end up in debt. I keep wondering where I'll end up cuz I do wanna move but I don't drive so I'm tryna get an ebike but I still wanna move out of this city (I'm in Ohio) I just keep wondering if I can get ahead in life. I know I'm taking the right steps by working and thinking of school but it's still stressful cuz I'm tryna think ahead but maybe I'm thinking too much about it 😔 anybody else feel like this?,Stress +49294,"I ask you from the bottom of my heart to help me....... **P.s The whole essence of the problem is in the second paragraph, the first paragraph is about me** + + +I am 18 years old, I have a weak nervous system from birth, but a strong character, and because of three years of serious problems in life, the death of several close people, my nervous system has failed and I probably have chronic anxiety.**From below I will describe everything that I have tried, if you have something to say, I beg on my knees, help me** + + +I tried meditation for 40 minutes a day, breathing techniques and much more of this type - but I came to the conclusion that this is not a solution to the problem, but a group control of my mind +I have tried a very large number of different herbs, ashwagandha, sacred basil.Also, different supplements - taking longer than 1 month and zero results, at most it became a little easier, but it is almost imperceptible.Personally, I think that these herbs, supplements are mostly utter nonsense, which has a lot of side effects, stupid studies that were not conducted in real life or just made to promote the product +I tried using reishi mushroom, cbd oil from a proven brand, tried vaping and other ways of using and everything is even + + +Please do not recommend medications or any herbs of the ""kava"" type, which has a hundred side effects, it is better to die than to eat this shit.If you really know a ""magic supplement, herb or something else"" about which few people know and it HELPED YOU OR YOUR FRIEND, ACQUAINTANCE - tell it to me please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please + +**Do not think that I am the type of people who have tried 1 product and immediately gave up, I am a person who ALWAYS GOES TO the END and will never accept defeat.I really spent a hundred hours analyzing this topic for the most part, and 99% of all the information is just a stinky slag bitch and it's impossible to fucking find adequate information.I searched in YouTube in different languages, also in Google itself for different queries in different languages, on Twitter and Facebook and found nothing working.If you have read this mini-post, thank you so much for at least thinking about the possible help to a stranger.All the best to you!!!!!!!**",Stress +27994,I have had two or three or more reoccurring dreams of me cheating on my boyfriend.. and they are so real that I actually feel awful when I wake up or like it actually happened. I've been spooked when I've woken up because it's actually felt like he left and it happened.. can someone shed some light on what this means? my boyfriend is 18 and I am 19 I am female he is male. we have been in a relationship for around 6/7 months. Recently me and my boyfriend had been going through a tough stage and I've been carrying a huge amount of guilt and I've been feeling like I'm not a good person at all...,Stress +29173,"I want to talk about this because I have no support group, and my wife can't handle much more. My uncle lives very close to me in NH. I want to get a news station to take my story but they say it was to long ago. I will be posting more under the title My hope is you will read this comment, and maybe it's happened to you.",Stress +49212,"I often feel like I either need to feel stressed or useless I constantly either need to be doing various projects and filling my plate so much that I can barely handle it. Or I actually let myself do nothing and I feel like the most useless piece of crap. No in between. + +If I’m not busy all the time, it’s like I don’t deserve an rewarding existence.",Stress +49039,"Facing stress at the workplace! For the past two months, I was struggling to give my 100% and was not satisfied with my work in the office. Thankfully, I found a blog online about [tips to deal with work stress](https://blog.manahwellness.com/the-top-physical-symptoms-of-work-stress-and-how-to-deal-with-them/) and it helped me in getting rid of stress.",Stress +48926,"I've been stressed for 9 months and I don't know what to do. I tried many things to reduce my stress symptoms but I feel it s not going away. Went to the gym, I've did mediation, also journaling nothing seems to work. Feels like this stressed it's stuck and hard to get rid of. I went to the doctor and he got me taking Vitamin D6 Rx tried it for 4 weeks but doesn't help. I'm running out of options, the only thing left to do is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't know which to see. Also I work a minimal wage job with no insurance. Any help will be appreciated.",Stress +48607,"It's better, Just say NO! Your Words Matter. Yes! We have often heard people saying that negative words can negatively affect one-self and surroundings in the long run. While we try to exercise and use encouraging words, there may be situations, where a simple NO can have a powerful impact on self-development......[continue reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/05/how-to-say-no/)",Stress +29947,"He backed me into a corner in the kitchen and kept hitting me. When I fell he stomped on my face and also choked me. I was trying to hit back but he's much bigger than me. When he starting choking me, I bit the holy hell out of his arm to get him off. He surprisingly did, after yelling about how it hurt, then went to finish packing.",Stress +48675,"Gratitude is a huge stress reliever With the stress and chaos of this world, it is no wonder why we all are like tightly wound balls that could explode at any moment. + + It's an extremely trying time for us all. + +But it doesn't have to be... + +There are little things we can do on a daily basis to bring back our mental sanity and to bring us back to our place of peace and calm. + +Besides meditation, one of the best thing that works for me is a daily gratitude practice. + +When we focus on gratitude daily, we block out the negative and multiply the positive. The practice literally transforms our world! + +To learn more about the benefit of a daily gratitude practice, click [here](https://medium.com/p/cf087ef70374).",Stress +28215,"I was feeling sick, I had work to do, I was tired, and all I could do was shout that I didn't want to be so close to the next step and get slingshotted back because of something I didn't know was coming. I know it's my fault. I know I should've been more careful, been more prepared. But I can't do this. My boyfriend has been begging me to keep the baby, and it makes me feel torn.",Stress +29655,"I check on my mom several times a day and I KNOW it has to be annoying. I am trying to find the right medication but none seem to work for me, I go to therapy, and I talk about it — but I am so sick of feeling this way. I know it is temporary and that I won’t be this way forever, but right now, it sucks. I can’t sleep because I worry so much, it’s hard to focus at work because I worry so much, it’s hard to be social because I worry so much. Thanks for listening.",Stress +48373,"How do I stop streessing about stupid things? SO for exmple: I have to write a story about me meeting a certian character from a book which I hate. + +I also have to write it thsi long and write what I will do on a different paper and than send photos to my teacher. I mean sounds like a monotone ask, but not to bad right? + +HELL NAH. FOr some reason the stress got so bad I tried asphyxiating myself. I failed so I went to sleep and the stress manifested in my dreams. I also have panic atacks for a reason of a minor inconvinience happening when I am stressed. I am often stressed and not to carefull with my soroudings sothis often happens. I once actually grabbed my head so hard that I stabbed my self with my nails. + +**What to do?**",Stress +48656,"I need an advice. Hey guys, can anybody temme what to do about the mind chatter? My mind is not stable. It literally feels as if I have a whole fucking storm or a tornado inside. For eg, I tried meditating as always but recently when I closed My eyes and tried to focus, there were 10 different thoughts battling inside and it really did freak me out and I never meditated after. There's so much and I've got huge goals lined up which I can't miss, the mess in my head could be the worry and rage and dissatisfaction or disappointment regarding my career and my ex boyfriend/ relationship and the related issues. But majority my career. I feel anxious, panicked and heavy really heavy. Please temme what can I do?",Stress +27902,"I really suck at explaining things so if you have any questions please ask. UPDATE: I gave my casual partner a vague warning about the future and how, if the time comes, I'll need to make the decision for myself. tl;dr I am stuck in a love triangle with a casual DDLG relationship on one side and sharing of mutual feelings on the other. Multiple things keep the DDLG from relationship from being public and I hate sneaking around. I want to have an open relationship with the other girl.",Stress +49174,"Acute stress disorder I thought I had it under control, then I had a surgery and was put into surgical menopause, then well. Title says the rest. + +I'm on short term disability leave, I got put on another team in a lower role for when I return to work, but i can't let this happen again. + +My triggers Ive found are repeating myself, getting ignored completely, ""have time for a quick call?"", and having to do other people's jobs for them. Now this all being said, none of that should have been happening anyway because all that is supposed to go to my TOM, not me. + +They're letting me back in little by little to avoid another nervous breakdown next week, but I'm already feeling the stress. + +I can't take long walks yet, can't do light cleaning, no baths for 8 more weeks, can't do really anything physical (surgery restrictions), so I need some ideas how to cope. Or ideas on reasonable boundaries I can set. + +Thanks!",Stress +28218,"I don’t have anything to ask atm or anything that anyone else need to know, but i cant go to someone when I’m not coping or in a state, I feel like it’s something I have to ride out on my own, that I can’t tell anyone about. I hate going throw this on my own, not that my family don’t try to support me, I just don’t want to see mum cry again because I’m broken and she’s tryed every thing she can but nothing helps. Iv had more 5 therapist and seen at least that again in one off meeting, but I can’t engage and have developed a vague phobia towards them, I used to hide in the house when I knew I had an appointment and only come out if I was promised I didn’t have to go. So It’s been largely untreated, not throw lack of trying. I can’t see my condition changing.",Stress +29122,"But I told him that I’m not over it and his response was kinda like “ I feel so guilty, it makes my life hard, I wish you could just forgive me.” So now I feel pressured to forgive him and it’s frustrating because he didn’t give a damn about my feelings when I was 9 and crying my eyes out because I just saw my dad push mom and hit her. In fact, I remember him telling me to shut up. He didn’t give a damn about my brother when he pushed him against a wall to yell at him when he was only in middle school. And I can’t help but feel like that fueled my brothers heroin addiction that almost killed him and still could cause he recently relapsed. I’m just so angry and I don’t want to be.",Stress +48799,,Stress +48695,"Stress and Neck pain? Anyone else? **Hey Folks!** + +**I’m a family medicine/neuromusculoskeletal physician. I keep seeing the same thing in my clinic....upper back/neck pain and headaches! So much of this is related to stress! Im always asked how can I improve my pain without undergoing painful procedures or utilizing medications. I want to be able to help more people than I can see in my clinic so I want to put together a free video to help people start feeling better. Would anyone be interested in this?**",Stress +29767,"She seems to want to have longer conversations about her emotions every day. I'm trying to work on my studies. tldr: I'd really, really appreciate some advice. Please don't just comment ""break up with her"". Thanks.",Stress +48803,"stress I lost my wallet... so stress. Ok goodnight. + +And i hope to find it tmr..",Stress +28248,"I also always bite and pick at my lips, meaning I usually have a patch of dried blood. I also chew my nails (though I've found if I clip my nails almost everyday it goes away). I know these behaviors are typical of OCD but I don't have other OCD symptoms so I think it's just my anxiety. Any tips would be appreciated. Or if you just want to share your habits go ahead.",Stress +48867,"I'm a musicologist with 10+ years working on the correlation between audio and the brain. I've created a playlist with the most proven relaxing music out there. This will help ease stress, anxiety and help you be in the moment. Hope this reach as many as possible :) Hi there, so this playlist (available at both Apple Music and Spotify) came to life almost a year ago, when I'd finished researching the effects of listening to nature sounds. + +Easily explained:You may have heard about our inherited fight-or-flight response system, which is a major factor in stress and anxiety. Well, research has shown that listening to nature sounds triggers the opposite system, called rest-or-digest, which helps lowering your heart rate, ease tightening muscles and enable you to focus on fewer things. These system is, just like our f-o-f response, is inherited from our ancestors. We believe that reason behind nature sounds triggering this is that hearing birds, rain etc meant positive things for the caveman generations. Birds singing meant that there were no large predators around (as well as good soil), rain meant crops would grow, fire that they would survive the night and so on. + +Hope this helps everyone it reaches! + + +[Link to Playlist (Spotify and Apple)](https://linktr.ee/indigoease)",Stress +48771,"How bad does stress have to be that I've lost 10 lbs in 2.5 weeks? I'm not dieting but my weight is dropping drastically. I feel like I'm maxed out. My eye is twitching, I feel like I could puke at any second. I'm so stressed.",Stress +29478,"im so scared of everything around me, whenever I have a panic attack, I can't even call out for help, I just choke on my own breath and cry im just fearful of what's going to happen in the future. I'm already seeing a therapist but i've been relapsing so bad since september and i just don't know what to do it's been such a rollercoaster and it just feels hopeless to recover from this im sorry for bothering you guys i just need to talk.. everyone i can talk to is asleep and i wouldnt be able to talk to them even if I could, i feel so numb after the panic attack i had last night, i just.. Need a talk, a distraction or something, because right now I just feel so. wrong and out of place",Stress +28230,"I just never had proper doctors who could diagnose me. There's a very long story there. I suffer from PTSD because I have been abused my entire life. I was physically abused by my teacher when I was 8 years old. My mother physically, mentally and emotionally abused me, up until I left her house at 16.",Stress +27353, It cleared up and I was okay but. On Monday I was thinking about humans and how the brain works and it tripped me out I got worried that because I was thinking about how the brain works that I would lose sleep and I did. That night was bad just like last time. Also yesterday my sleep was bad I woke up like every hour of the night just like last time. I got kind of scared like I did last time but this time I think that this is fake life which is absurd but I just think about it then get really scared then I think rationally then calm down.,Stress +28950,"Now its personal so it hurts a lot more. There are nightmares where I am murdered, those don't hurt half as much as these. I woke up a few nights ago screaming because of it and I cried like an idiot until I realized it wasn't real. Figured I'd rant here instead of breaking my hands on my heavy bag. You guys ever get extremely worried about your partners safety to the point where it triggers you?",Stress +48668,"How to relief or even stop rob pain caused by stress? I have several conditions which mean chronic stress. These are all in hand as best as can be hoped. Recently though, I’ve been having nasty bouts of pain in my ribs because of stress. It feels like I’m wearing a corset. Does anyone have any reliefs as to how to combat this?",Stress +27965,"I saw a professional for a psych evaluation and though there are no flashbacks or nightmares, I still am placed with the ptsd label. I know this isn’t something you just “get over” I just thought I moved on from my “trauma” I watched a few episodes of bojack horseman and it’s thrown me into an episode of depression Idk I’m sad, I’m mad, I get irritable I have no idea what symptoms and triggers are for me, I just keep going because if I don’t I’ll stop and fall apart. I’m like a piece of glass being held together by masking tape. I would’ve rather been told I’m a sociopath/psychopath or a narcissist due to my severe apathy towards everything.",Stress +48778,Does anyone else get sick when they are stressed? As in actually physically sick? I don't think I'm the only one but I kind of feel like it.,Stress +48826,"Soothing music for stress For me, listening to music is a powerful tool to combat stress. I love having chilled, ambient music playing especially when I'm working. I decided to make my own chilled music over the past year and it has been a great help. So for anyone who likes relaxing music, I hope this piece set alongside lovely sunrise visuals will be useful for you :) + +https://youtu.be/0zGvwg0hjlA",Stress +48750,,Stress +49096,"Breaking down rn and feeling silly Hello I’ve just joined this sub. I don’t know who to open up to rn so I decided to post here. + +I’m in college and school alone is stressful. Lately, I’ve been handing in my homework late; I’m an aunt/“mom” of four kids at home — their parents aren’t the best. I help and do most of the house work bcs I care for my niece/nephews (esp the youngest one). Idk but everything just became overwhelming for me today. (plus maybe because I have a cold rn). I love my family but I am tired. I also have other problems and I feel so silly that this is the reason why I am very stressed. + +Idk if I’m making any sense now but I hope you could give some advice or comfort… thanks a lot 🤍",Stress +30128,"Sometimes I feel like I’m the third wheel in their relationship. And this doesn’t even include what they may do when I’m not around! Also, whenever roommate will talk about boys or finding a boyfriend, I notice husband will quickly try to shut that idea down fast, and say he knows roommate isn’t attracted to said guy or doesn’t want/need a boyfriend. There’s definitely an emotional dependency there. I know my husband has explained to me over and over how much he helps her and how important he is in her life.",Stress +29044,"""Fuck you bitch, I can make your life hell and get you kicked out of here. I manage this place when the owner is not around"" Needless to say that is all a lie from him, He is here from DSS/Social Services just like I am. What I am worried about is my safety and security. This guy is obviously mentally ill and a drug addict and alchie, and now I am really concerned that he will do something to me because I stood up to him and his nonsense bullshit.",Stress +29435,"The rare times we have fought in the past, I’ve always had to be the one to ‘break the ice,’ regardless of the circumstances of the argument. I don’t have it in me to go grovel for the comfort I sorely need. Now I’m just trying to cry myself asleep. What’s the point of having a partner if they can’t offer the most basic level of emotional support? Is the writing on the wall - is he just too immature, and how did this parent/child dynamic creep in to our relationship?",Stress +27361,"I asked him three time what happened. And after the third time I cried and went home. Month later he still don't talk to me and he and my mother started fighting for the first time in the relationship. Me and my mother honestly don't know what to do, he just ignores me. I even told him that I don't date that guy(even though I date him) and he didn't even react to it.",Stress +29563,"Now like I said, I am working hard to try and get a better job while balancing school (the good grades I've gotten in the past year and a half seem to be only things I have going for me right now. That and martial arts) and at the same time, I'm considering asking for another shift at my current job as an absolute last resort. But this anger and feeling like a loser is really something I need help dealing with. Tl;dr: My car died once and for all a few months back and my job sucks. And even though I'm working hard to improve the situation, I feel angry and I feel a like a loser.",Stress +28668,He would call me by the name peepee until I was 21. I asked him to stop but he just yells at me. I wish he would die or never talk to me. He also forces me to take medication because I got mad at him because of this. He will just scream at me and threaten to call the police to throw me on the street or something.,Stress +28077,"Disability allowance doesn't seem like it would be enough to cover even just my rent, never mind food (for me and my pets) and lighting and heating. I can't take my cat and my dog into a shelter. I don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to come to terms with how he is and learn to live with it but I'm miserable all the time. I don't have any friends anymore.",Stress +28352,I’m really tired. It seems like the moment that I’m starting to recover or I’m starting to get some sort of progress. I get triggered and I have to start all over again. It’s so hard to see the point in fighting all of this all the time. I still live with my abuser and sometimes I can make it.,Stress +48936,,Stress +49134,Let the sunrise take it all away [https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s](https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s),Stress +29370,"I also used to get really bad nightmares about dying and the afterlife when I was a kid and my mom would have to rub my chest til I fell asleep. I never ever thought it was anxiety and I didnʻt want to diagnose myself because I know some people actually have it and I wouldnʻt want to compare my stress to that. Just wondering if itʻs possible that this is like mild ""anxiety"" or I am just sleep deprived? Also if its possible that anxiety can be come back after a decade of not having any noticeable events? Thanks ahead of time for any help.",Stress +29813,"I’m going to kill myself. I can’t take this anymore. I was doing so much fucking better lately, and just like a snap of a finger, I am disassociating harder then I ever have before. It comes out of nowhere, when I’m having an other wise good day. No anxiety or depression but out of nowhere I get extremely disassociated.",Stress +28506,"How should I feel after all this? Because I feel like I was used and treated poorly, which she rejects. Also how should I read into her getting annoyed about me being with other girls? If they break up again (this is their 3rd attempt at making their relationship work), should I be there in the same way ago? As much as I like to think I wouldn't I still really love this girl.",Stress +28951,"But I’ve also had a lot of pain and it seems to be getting worse. It didn’t use to last as long as it does now, I’ve been lying in pain for hours. Nothing helps I’ve taken painkillers and they haven’t helped at all.. Should I mention this to a doctor? ?",Stress +27952,When people Don't understand and tell you how to be / when you evade all answers and feel like a monstrosity / Shut the blinds / the outside world / hide away / worry about the morning / upcoming day Night arrives / should be fine am I right / turns into a turbulent anxiety night / shake my head / am I the only one who feels this way / Take my meds / daily occurrence of will this ever end / hate this paranoia of internal mindset / Get told it will get better / how to be / change myself for you to try and frankly that's never the good answer,Stress +48879,"Stressed out and self harming. I’m 25 I live in NC and I’m absolutely stressed out. I was working at a Amazon for the last 9 months making 15.75. I have a 400 dollar car not and 1500 dollar rent to pay every month on top of 140 dollar car insurance and 80 dollar phone bill 70 dollar wifi bill and 30 dollar water bill and 30 dollar gas bill and pass due electricity bill of 345 dollars. I left Amazon for this new job that is paying me 21 dollars an hour. My back ground check took a long time to come back and for that reason I didn’t work for a week ( I left Amazon on the 25 of July because I was supposed to start 27th of July but back ground check took a while to reach my employer. ) I’ve asked my older sibling for some money ( I owe them 500 dollars ) I feel like I am getting no where but in debt. I feel guilty when I buy food or get gas ⛽️ to them point I physically get sick and sometimes even throw up from how sick I feel. I don’t feel good enough and I’m drowning. I have history with self harm and recently I began to cut my shoulders again. I rather feel physical pain than to feel like worthless broke POS. If I don’t end up taking my life, the stress will be the death of me. I fucking hate money.",Stress +48667,"Has anyone experienced premature ageing? To fly through my background I was abused pretty heavily growing up and have always been very hyper vigilant. Meaning I've had a lot of stress my entire life. Recently I've started to take notice of how old I and others look. I'm obsessed with guessing how old people are, whenever I find someone who I think is my age or looks as old as I do I find they're at least 5 years if not 10 years older than me. I'm only 21 and I feel like I already look older than my 6 year older brother. My cheeks are hollow and my hair is thin. My skin looks rough and my skin complexion is uneven. It's rough. I don't know how to accept this. It feels so unfair and I'm struggling to deal with it. I obviously don't KNOW if I'm any older than I am and am looking into having my biological age tested but all the physical and cognitive markers or age are showing. Has anyone else dealt with this? I feel like I've had 10 or so of the best and healthiest years of my life stolen from me.",Stress +49441,"How should I stop obsessing over songwriting? So I'm in a band, and as of right now we haven't made anything yet, but recently I've been really up for it about making music. As a result, I've been thinking, when I'm hanging about by myself, about what our music could sound like, and I'm pretty sure that's why I've got a headache right now. Like, a couple of hours ago I tried taking my mind off it by (for some reason) listening to one of my favourite albums and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was constantly thinking about what parts of it we should and shouldn't sound like. + +I can't see this allowing me to write anything at all ever, so in short, what should I do? also happy christmas :)",Stress +29278,"The verbal, emotions, and physical abuse continued I also believe in my heart that he cheated He left Facebook up on his computer with a conversation he had had with another ex about how much fun it was spending time with her(a day he had told me he was working late, couldn't even come up with an original lie)...it shattered me more, I didn't know my heart could break into any smaller pieces When she was three months old I told myself enough was enough... If he had shown even a glimmer of interest in his child or our marriage I could justify more time...but he didn't",Stress +48815,"Stress relief entertainment M4F talking someone through anxiety + +Soft spoken + + +https://youtu.be/3VKumyr41yw",Stress +49055,"I feel like I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do I’m in my final year of uni, working 2 jobs, dealing with a chronic illness and I’m feeling beyond the point of exhausted and overwhelmed. My Dr told me I really need to focus on minimising my stress if I wanted to go into remission - so, at the end of last year I quit my job and decided I would focus on my health. Two weeks later I took on an internship at a massive company and started a new job as a Christmas casual (I intended to quit before uni went back). It’s now May and I have taken on yet another internship (2.5 days a week), am still working my “Christmas job” 2 days a week, I’m the chair of my degrees “exhibition committee” (bigger job than it sounds) AND I’m in my final year of a full-time 4 year course. I am so tired. + +The annoying part is - I don’t need to do any of this. My parents will happily support me through my final year and give me the space and time to study without any expectation of my having to work. I could easily quit my internship, I’ve done over 100 hours more than the required amount! I don’t know why I set such high expectations for myself or want to prove to everyone around me that I can work harder than them…it is messed up. + +I don’t know how to get out of this rut. If I quit I will just end up taking on more work with a different company…it is a never ending cycle. Please help.",Stress +49178,"College soon, no money, not even a bed to sleep on. Stressed. Concerned how I’ll manage to study living on someone’s couch. I want my own place, I miss having a bed and being able to actually rest.. not wake up because you literally sleep in someone’s living room and they have more then 3+ people a day there. I can’t sleep proper. I can’t get money due to closing my Shopify store, i dont get paid from school until July. I just really am in need of peace and food. Ughh",Stress +48999,"Feeling a bit ""out of mind"" and at 95%ish of my cognitive capabilities, blood tests okay, anyone experienced this? Ok so I know reddit is not the best place for medical advice but I also want some strangers' opinions. + +I've never experienced stress/anxiety problems, even under pressure with uni/work, but I put a lot of pressure on myself in many other aspects of my life and a couple of years ago I started getting a bit of shortness of breath, checked with the doctor in case it was Asthma but it was alright and with time I realised when this happened it was because of stress which made it way better and I rarely get those flare ups anymore, so that's cool. + +Last month I was under a lot of stress and for some days I started feeling light-headed and a bit dizzy. The best way to describe this would be: + +- Slightly out-of-mind +- I feel like my cognitive capabilities are at 90-95% of the usual +- Cloudy head, like what I would experience being slightly drunk (not a lot) + +I went to the doctor really worried and got a blood test and stuff and they said I was healthy and probably was stress. + +But the thing is it's been a month like this already, sometimes I feel great (although not as a month ago), specially when doing stuff that makes me forget about this (ie videogames, series...) others I feel like shit, does anyone experience something similar and if so any recommendations? + +I'm also a bit worried because the first day I really experienced this I did a pretty intense session of cardio (had been doing a lot during those weeks on top of the stress from uni) so I am slightly worried it is actually something ""body"" related even if the tests came out okay, going for chill walks doesn't seem to be helping probably because I'm overthinking this all the time. + +Thanks",Stress +49177,,Stress +49427,"Cold water immersion for stress relief I’m currently on day 12 of getting in ice water for 15 minutes/day. And I have to say it’s the most powerful stress reliever I’ve come across. I meditate minimum 30 minutes a day but nothing compares to cold water. + +I sleep like a baby and for the rest of the day feel calm and in control. + +I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon the benefits seem to far outweigh my being uncomfortable for the time in the water",Stress +48816,"1 Hour Soothing Rain sound - Relaxing Rain Sound - Relax and Sleep - Release Stress 1 Hour Soothing Rain sound - Relaxing Rain Sound - Relax and Sleep - Release Stress + +Please like, share and subscribe :) + +&#x200B; + +[https://youtu.be/wHf5aIU1U4s](https://youtu.be/wHf5aIU1U4s)",Stress +28413,"Edited to add: I am unable to work, my disabilities are worsening frighteningly quick and I have no doctor, plus I keep getting dismissed at the ER. I've been struggling more and more with breathing and movement, I even had to start using a wheelchair. I have severe digestive issues and they've gotten so much worse I bleed when I go to the toilet. I'm in chronic pain and chronic nausea, it's like having the stomach flu forever stuff keeps coming out. So I *really* can't work.",Stress +29804,"But now i want that to change. My need for paxil is in direct relations to panic attacks or aggression attacks as i refer to them sometimes. I tend to get agitated easily or snap at people if I feel panicky or if I am embarrassed or put in situations I do not like I get agitated to the point of being a dick and yelling a lot. Which my family ends up being on the wrong side of my temper tantrums, my panick attacks turn into agitation and defensiveness. Ha anyone else switched from paxil successfully or anyone with a similar situation using something different?",Stress +48384,"What should I do?? I’m pretty sure I’m burnt out and I have been for over a month now. It’s gotten so bad to the point I CAN’T work even when I try to force myself to. I thought it’d get better with a break and that I’d get over it just like I always did, but I haven’t and it’s been over a month now. + +Whenever I try to work, I just can’t seem to focus. I can’t no matter how much I force myself to. As soon as I force it, the stress rises and a low mood is bound to kick in even if I was all cheery and positive a minute ago. I thought taking a week long break would do it since it used to, but the break didn’t help much if at all. I have no idea what to do since nothing seems to be working on. + +Has anyone experienced this? Does anyone know what I can do? +Any help at all would be sincerely appreciated.",Stress +28929,"After unsuccessfully looking for a girlfriend on dating sites and personals, I made a simple post on CL looking for a friend that basically said that my life was too much of a mess for me to really date, but I'm trying to be more social, etc. I was upfront with the fact that I have PTSD and am getting help. I was expecting mostly spam messages from bots, etc... surprisingly like 90% replies were just mostly people telling me to grow up without even knowing what my life is like or what I've gone through. The other 10% were adult babysitters and spam. This is kind of what lead to my isolation in the first place.",Stress +29468,"Which forced me to acknowledge that I haven’t been performing to my own expectations. Enter the anxiety attack. Sobbing, shaking, fidgeting, and rambling. To top it all off, I threw away my xanex thinking that I didn’t need the safety net. I thought I was done with all this...reality proved otherwise.",Stress +48551,"Can stress cause things like this? +Only meds I've tried is low grade anxiety meds. And I'm unsure what bloods. My doc ran more thursday, said he'd call if anything was different. They tested for that one thing that starts with a T that checks for damage in the heart or recent HA's. +And during the echocardiogram my Hr was 130. She noted it was fast but then 2 weeks later I get a call. Holter didn't show anything super concerning and the echo was fine. I am under tons of anxiety and stress but whatever is going on has had me bed ridden with neck pain, dizziness, headaches and heart discomfort . The fast HR and pounding feeling for literally months essentially with no breaks. My entire life has been Halted because I can't do anything. I take a shower and my heart goes a million miles an hour and my blood pressure goes to the 140's over 90. Brain fog and dizziness. Tinnitus like crazy and this weird whooshing sound and pain from my neck . +It all started with going to the doctor bc I had Thunderclap headaches after orgasm, which lasted everytime for 2 weeks then just stopped. Then I started feeling worse and that stopped but all this started. I've had an echocardiogram, several EKGs from the ER visits, an MRI 3 months ago no contrast, a CT with contrast of my chest and neck last month, a CT with contrast of my head last week. Noone can find anything. Only suggestion my doc had Thursday was potentially ICP and he looked worri3d that's what it was and said if I get a headache go to the er. Which I did 2 days ago to which they didn't do bloodwork but they did a CT and Xray . Tested my eye movement . Then gave me a shot and sent me home. +I obviously need to continue to see my doctor and will. Just 4 months of this I'm trying to reach out for things to recommend to my doctor to test for and try because they're struggling hard. The only things I can even think of personally anymore is craniocervical instability, anxiety, and maybe clogged artery issues. With the ICP he thought, which is phesable I have 95 percent of the symptoms but the numerous head CTs and the MRI showing no pressure(doesn't rule it out) and the fact that it's been 4 months since it all began and I've not stroked out or anything makes it seem not entirely sure for me personally. But I'm not a doc, ill continue to do what they tell me, but man if I can I wanna try to nudge them the right way",Stress +48824,,Stress +28207,"So, my question is how worried should I be about this? Is it likely that this guy will come look for me or cause problems in the future? Or am I overreacting? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thanks!",Stress +27919,"I wound up in partial hospitalization and diagnosed with PTSD related to several traumas including sexual assault I experienced as a child. I asked for a meeting with all of upper management so that I can start back up at work with clear boundaries for what I won't accept anymore. This will be a good thing in the end, but right now I feel like I'm going to throw up. Meeting is in 3 hours. Send good vibes please?",Stress +27471,I don't even know that I feel lonely. I was fine with all this until my boyfriend asked out of concern because he thought maybe I was depressed or something and pushing everyone away. Then it was like he knocked down a wall inside me that I didn't know was there and revealed a whole room full of cobwebs. I feel ashamed and defective and hopeless now. But I don't know what to do.,Stress +27828,Can anyone relate to this feeling? I can’t enjoy myself at things like concerts anymore. I’m not fully present because I have to try so hard to curb feelings of anxiety and hyper-vigilance. When anyone gets too close to me or accidentally touches me I freak out. Tonight I went to a concert and I was so self-conscious and distracted by the fear that I was going to be assaulted that it was difficult to focus on the actual show.,Stress +48993,Thinking you have $ go get a coffee.. declined card. Try again thinking it’s just my card.. declined. Maybe it’s their machine.. decline.,Stress +27349,"until i met my new boyfriend, he is amazing, he is kind, he is sweet, he is a good student, he likes the same things as me, my family likes him, and so on... but i dont feel that passion that rush i felt with my ex, the truth is that when i started going out with my boyfriend i secretly saw my ex a few times to see if i really didnt feel nothing for him, but it was disgusting, i didnt even want him to touch me, i feel bad with myself i didnt want him, but still, i was there. then i kinda realized i felt nothing love related for him and it was ok, HE was HURT when he knew i was dating this boy and he even begged me to stay but of course not. but now the problem is that when im with my boyfriend i dont feel like i love him, like that thing you kinda have to feel with a new love, i just feel ""ok"" with him, and i catch myself thinking about my ex from time to time, remembering all the good things we had and it drives me crazy because i know that if i see him again i wont feel that way, that ""love"" that my mind makes me think stills there. and recently i found out that he has a girl and he is actually enjoying the experience and i got so mad and so hurt (i know i dont have any right to feel that way) i felt betrayed and I STILL feel that way, i gross myself out.",Stress +29838,I only realized this was a stupid idea in my freshman year of college when I started having flashbacks. I tried once more to do therapy and almost failed out of school. Again I buried it all to be dealt with at a more convenient time. I have now been working in a job that don't mind for the last year and 3 months. I found that November and December were a struggle and because of that I planned to address my stuff by going to therapy starting in 2019.,Stress +27967,"Thank you for reading and for your time. Update: I should probably add that I was terrified of my mom and never tried to provoke her. I never snuck out, never got in trouble at school, no drugs, no drinking, no bad friends, tried to keep my grades up as best as I had time for, and never ever back talked; even though I dreamt of serving it to her one day. My siblings would cry whenever they didn’t get what they wanted, they were rather spoiled, and would tell on me if I didn’t do what they wanted. Mom would be in the middle of homework or class and she’d just wail on me for no reason.",Stress +49450,"Always feeling a pressure inside head I have this contant pressure like feeling in my brain. It's not exactly a headache but I always feel like my brain is not quite relaxed physically.It's like a weight over my head. I have tried meditation but ....it didn't really give me the desired output. I feel relieved only after my academic session is over or let's say I got really good grades/marks in my exams.i feel like the weight on my head got lifted. But it's not for long just a few days. When I start with my studies again I go into this state of mind where my head is constantly feeling heavy. It's being bothersome now as it effects my academics overall +How do I get out of this loop of heaviness and lightness in head? +Is this common? +Is it serious? +Any tips or advice or experience?",Stress +48504,,Stress +49353,"no stress Stress is present in everyone's life. This is unavoidable. What we can change is how we deal with it. And sometimes, all we need is to know how to relieve stress quickly, before it does damage to us or our loved ones. So, simple and quick ways for you to relieve your stress. They are suitable for any situation: whether at work, in studies, at home, in a day-to-day situation or in something more punctual. Good reading! Chat",Stress +29988,"And I’m at a complete loss as to how we resolve this. (BTW, we have talked about all of this about 1,957 times already. There is nothing written here he hasn’t heard before.) TL;DR – Husband has always been the primary earner with well-paying jobs, but has experienced serious burn-out. As we’re eating into our savings, it looks like I’ll have to put my business on hold and go back to work.",Stress +49344,"[Question] Burned out but boss loves my ability and will continue to incentivize if I do more TLDR : 3 questions at end regarding how to not care to disappoint when team and boss have seen my abilities. Boss has high aspirations for me this year or which if I fulfill I’m going to stretch myself so thin that I will leave or go into depression. + + +I was given a rather good yearly review, and well incentivized, but I am currently stressed, and trying to figure out how to have less responsibilities, when it’s desired I have more. This is above and beyond the rest of my team. + +Boss sees my “potential” and not only wants it to continue, but also have me lead more, be more of a driver and influencer, and upgrade my knowledge, cross-team visibility. All of which I do not want. Taking on any more work feels like I’m going to “pop” and I’m already near / at burnout. + +I hate disappointing and failing (why I try harder than others on my team; and also why I’m hate being in this position I am right now) but I’m at my max currently near / in burnout, thinking or ways to get out. My mindset is that I’d rather quit a 6fig job and go elsewhere / take a break than disappoint and fail someone whom believes in me so wholeheartedly, and knows how fast I can operate. + +Sadly I’ve “shown my hand” this past year of what I’m capable of, but it’s unsustainable for my stress levels, needed downtime, and resetting ability. And more is desired. I’ve mentioned already to the boss that I’m burning the candle at both ends, but it’s only been sprinkled throughout the year. I also hate that I would them regret providing a large optional incentivized reward. Additionally if I fail it’s most likely no more of that and I would just be considered “middle of the road”. I’m OK with that if someone didn’t know my abilities, but again I have pushed past 120% capacity many times for tight deadlines and to get things done. + +- How do I change my mindset to not care about disappointing +- What, if anything, do I tell boss? I feel I need to drop hints that this is too much and if I’m dead it does no one good. ( absolutely sucks feeling capable but also having a hapicapied weakness of stress leading to depression.) +- What would you do if you were me with these concerns, and yet burned out?",Stress +48518,"ny gf had a shitty life Mine hasn't been to much better but shell go into depressive states and I try my best to help, I don't know how much longer I can support her especially when I don't feel my best",Stress +29099,"She comes crying to me and formulates a plan to break up. She talks to Joe about their issues and her will to leave him wilts. She stays with him. Rinse and repeat, except it gets worse over time. How can I break the cycle, or help her break the cycle?",Stress +49371,"I’m burnt out Fuck school and fuck this school system. I’m in a constant state of stress. I have panic attacks and I cry everyday at school as well as when I get home. I’m taking AS levels and the thought of me writing the exams in a few months keeps me panicked. I’ve withdrawn from my social life due to the stress and I feel miserable. I feel like im being suffocated. It’s all an ongoing loop and I feel stuck . I genuinely cannot imagine myself surviving next year too. Everytime I sit down to study, I have mental breakdowns . I just have 1 more year to graduate",Stress +30013,"No Idea why I am here, guess I just need to vent. Well my troubles started last weekend, my parents flew over from Malta to visit my brother whose in hospital. He is in bad shape and initially he lost the use of his legs few years ago and now his paralysis is rising up to his waste. So am I headed of to the hospital and stayed up north for the weekend. I told my gf that she could stay at home rather than spend her time at the hospital with me.",Stress +28257,"I thought if I changed, if I did everything for him, he would love me like I wanted him to. I broke it off a few days ago. For good. I can't help but feel so guilty for doing so. At least when I was 12, that man went to prison for 40 years.",Stress +49314,"Subjects needed for a study on CBD and Social Anxiety Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in an in-person study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are located in NYC, a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +49399,"Wanna Do a Stress quiz? Hello! + +I'm doing an assignment for my school about stress and I need reposnses. This survey is about the stressful situations many face throughout their lives. Although this survey may not be 100% accurate or realistic all I need are responses! And no worries this is 100% anonymous except for your age :D + +Here is the link to the Google form if you guys want to fill out the survey ---> https://forms.gle/Kk3Sw7QhcgwB4JDH6",Stress +49036,"What's the point in doing school work if you don't get a reward, other than grades:( It fucking drives me crazy everyday with the hard work that I get no credit for, what's in it for me? I don't need good grades fr, my autistic life's already boring due to porn addiction which is a different story... Teachers talking shit to you when having good time with friends and then they expect you to work yo ass off for free.",Stress +29068,"I literally have never been sick so much. Normally if I get sick at all it’s when allergy season comes, so like once a year. My hair is definitely falling out way more than it normally does. Has this happened to anyone? I know it’s almost over.",Stress +48409,"Investigating whether sexual fantasies are associated with personality, desire, and beliefs about one's own thoughts. \*\*Content Warning\*\* - Sensitive/Sexual topics. As part of my Psychology degree at the University of Lincoln, I am carrying out research for my final dissertation project. If you are aged 18 years old or older and can read/write in English, I would appreciate it if you could take the time to complete my study, which will take about 20 minutes. This study is examining the influence of beliefs, personality traits, and desire on sexual fantasising. Gender will also be investigated as an influence. You should only take part if you feel comfortable with these topics, specifically sexual fantasy content. The brief in the study link will provide more information and details of what the study will involve (ethics approval code: 2022\_10295). Please note, if you are negatively affected by the questions/topics, you are free to withdraw from the study while participating by closing the browser. Please feel free to share this, along with the study link, to friends or group chats who you think may be interested in taking part. Your help would be very valuable. Thank you! + +[**https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo**](https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo)",Stress +27555,"This has begun to bother me since I do try to please her and go out of my way to have a little foreplay but she never really returns that favor. It has become a one sided physical relationship. I've even had multiple times where I have trouble getting it up, and its largely due to the fact that I receive no physical stimulation prior to intercourse. We've known each other a year and been officially dating for about 9 months. I finally decided to say something a month ago because it was really beginning to bother me because I'd hoped she'd slowly overcome these fears with time but she seems to be content with how things were and not going to change.",Stress +48357,,Stress +48899,"Unable to switch off from work stress and now I can’t enjoy my personal life I have a demanding job where I get abuse daily because of the nature of the work. I work for a service - like pretty much everywhere - that under pays and over works their staff. I never get out on time and I work unsociable hours. The staff are difficult to work with also, toxic and selfish. It’s just not worth it anymore. + +My problem is I’m struggling to find another unskilled job that matches the pay and I have just bought a house. I can’t go to another job on less money. I feel stuck in a rut and I can feel myself slipping mentally - I have teary eyes pretty much 24/7 but can’t seem to cry. + +Has anybody else been in a similar situation and how did you fix it?",Stress +49147,"so much stress im unable to even think. Hey guys, ive got a story. + +Last november i quit my job to travel the world and build a company with my friend. this however was not to be as a few weeks in he decided to go do something else. now me not having an income but enough cash to sit on wanted to see if i could make an income myself! struggling for months and months and not getting anything of the ground, i had to return to my home country. now low on cash and struggling to see what i want to do with my life, stress starts ramping up quickly. so quick in fact that i find myself lifeless and unable to even work for 4 straight hours. + +My hopes of working and traveling at the same time have been crushed, and even the option of going back to my old job looks bleak since i would have to sign my life away for 6 years. + +how do you guys deal with this stress, i need to get out of my head and just start learning and working but i find myself so anxious that i cant even focus anymore, i play videogames and watch youtube just to keep my attention away from my current situation. + +quite the story eh, any tips or kicks under my ass would be appreciated. + +thanks so much, + +Sonny.",Stress +49308,Can stress cause weight gain? I’ve noticed I tend to get blubby when I go through long periods of constant stress. There’s no change to my diet or exercise yet I look visibly fatter. Can stress be causing this?,Stress +29325,"I had another friend come out and tap on my window, scaring me. He didn’t know what happened, and when he asked me what was wrong I just started to cry. I felt stupid and ashamed. Through the sobs I told him what happened, I even told him that my rapists did it to me. He was supportive and sweet and it made me feel so much more guilty.",Stress +29715,"We are in need of immediate help and I dont know where else to turn. I have recently suffered major nerve damage that has severely diminished the use and mobilty of my arms and causes insufferable pain in my neck, shoulders, & arms and in turn, cost me my long time position with Apple. We are now 3 months behind on rent and we have less than a week to come up with the money or the landlord will be foreclosed on and we will be evicted. And we have nowhere to go. Here’s a bit behind our predicament.",Stress +28237,"I just can't do it. Some days I think: ""You know what, i'll do it!"". But I never actually did it. There's a fucking huge wall, a Trump wall, stopping me. All I wanted was a job, now I got a job offer but the wall is stopping me.",Stress +27749,He causes emotional pain to me every day but I cannot get myself to leave him. He physically abuses me sometimes but it rarely leaves a mark or bruise. I feel like even if he cheats on me (again) I still won’t want to leave him. The only way I think I will leave him forever is if I end up hating him. And the only way I will hate him is if he caused physical harm that I cannot lie my way out of like I have in the past.,Stress +48973,"Why does my body want to hold onto so much tension? I can be fully reclined in a lazy boy and by happenstance notice my muscles around my neck and shoulders straining as if trying to hold my head up off of the headrest. Mindfully, I break the tension and force myself to release and relax and I can feel my head, neck, shoulders and even my legs sink back into the chair. Moments later… my muscles are pulling into my center again just squeezing with tension. What is wrong with me? Why does my body insist on tensing up?",Stress +48774,"I'm at a theatre showing and I'm incredibly stressed I'm currently in the half way mark of the play, the break. I'm forcing myself to breathe, I'm shaking, I'm absolutely stressed out of my mind. The the lights in the theatre and the odd way people talk and move unsettles me deeply, I don't understand why. This has happened every time I went to the theatre, it as always caused me immense stress and I do not understand why.",Stress +48666,"Scientific Study How Mindfulness replaces medication to reduce anxiety + + **How Mindfulness replaces medication to reduce anxiety** + +Care works similarly as well as a prescription to check nervousness, concentrate on finds + +A care contemplation course might be as successful at lessening uneasiness as a typical medicine, as per another review. + +The exploration, distributed on November 9 in JAMA Psychiatry, involved a gathering of 276 grown-ups with untreated uneasiness problems. A big part of the patients was haphazardly chosen to take 10 to 20 mg of escitalopram, the nonexclusive type of Lexapro, a typical medicine used to treat nervousness and wretchedness. The other half were relegated to an eight-week course in care-based pressure decrease. + +The outcomes were dazzling: The two gatherings experienced about a 20% decrease in their tension side effects over the eight-week time span. + +Elizabeth Hoge, the lead creator on the review and the overseer of the Tension Issues Exploration Program at Georgetown College Clinical Center, let CNN know that she trusts the examination can open up greater treatment choices for patients with uneasiness. [more](https://tomorrowgreatest.blogspot.com/2022/11/scientific-study-how-mindfulness.html)",Stress +28186,"I’m very concerned that I might never be able to put a condom on, last in bed or satisfy a woman with my penis. The girl was very satisfied and even exhausted and she said that it was the most times she cums in one night and that the previous guys just stuck it in and thrusted ( which I’m secretly jealous honestly since I’m concerned that I might not be able to stick it in right now). she keeps texting me now about meeting up again. She said I’m great with my hands and I’m a great kisser but she kept silent about my penis which I was apparently very bed using it. I kept my cool throughout the night and laughed it off and she was very cool and said that she was expecting it but I’m very concerned that I might have a deformity or something.",Stress +49113,Bells for Stress Relief [https://youtu.be/w13gBq\_DgXk](https://youtu.be/w13gBq_DgXk),Stress +29332,"Hey guys, Been married for about a little over a year. I had an inkling before we got married that the wife was an anxious person but it was only after we got married I realised it was much more. She has weekly breakdowns over minor occurrences at work and comes home cursing and screaming about what goes on. (Not at me, but that repeated venting does have its toll on me as well mentally.",Stress +29651,"I am afraid that she will sell the house because of this and I'm not sure what the future holds for my family. Because I made some very bad decisions in the past, my credit is horrible. I have tried to get a loan and it's just not happening. I have no car (no money to get a car, let alone make payments) and payday loans are not offered in AZ. Every online loan option, although bad, seems like a better fate than losing my home of 12 years.",Stress +29934,I'm trying to fill out the Claim of Exemption that came with the Notice of Levy packet that arrived yesterday. I'm extremely uncomfortable with this as so much is on the line. Google is useless. The best I've found are instructions stating to fill out the documents (duh!). Can anyone walk me through this?,Stress +48701,Simple Stress Relief Meditation Take 15 minutes to soothe the stress and anxiety from your day. A [guided meditation](https://youtu.be/sLIfnYWj8rU) to help calm and balance your mind.,Stress +28829,"This leads to me not liking the general mood in the classroom which leads to me being un-motivated and demoralised when I'm at school. Every day I try to see if I can pretend to be sick to avoid going to school because I find almost no joy at school which is a shame, because of all the schools I have been to over the years, i actually enjoy what we do and the teachers are nice. I have no idea why this simple fact is affecting me so much. But I just feel horrible whenever I think about school or the thought of having to go to school. TL;DR: I spent a lot of time with my friends during break, and I'm depressed because I have to go back to school with classmates that are very immature.",Stress +28508,"Sorry for the ramble, I would like to know if there is any way to contact them? I have my chemistry teachers phone number but I'm not sure if I should go for it. TL;DR too nervous to talk to school counsellor, only counsellor I know is a Chem teacher but it'll be weird to see him in classes. Parents ignorant about mental issues. Can contact Chem teacher but I'm weary.",Stress +28445,"My memory goes, I panic, breakdown, rock back and forth, sit in closets. It sucks. But it's kind of relieving at the same time because while I'm broken I'm not choosing to be dramatic. I'm not just being manipulative. It's not my fault.",Stress +48586,Is it normal to feel a gurgling in your chest specifically the left side. All my family keeps telling me oh it’s acid reflux it’s your anxiety but even when I don’t have my anxiety it happens.,Stress +49137,"I have given up! I have lost all hope! My poor single parent has killed me! First post here. New to the gang. Really in a cloudy space. Bombarded with nonsense. + +My mother and sister recently made fun of me for eating leftovers. I mean I waited until everybody got their share of food, and waited until the food had to be thrown away before I ate the scraps that were left over. How dare you hassle me over food, and stale left overs at that. So now I don’t eat! + +My sister clogs the shower with her hair and my mother asks me why the drain is clogged. She asked me what did I pour down the drain. Like who the fuck pours shit down the shower drain? Every time my sister clogs the shower my mother assumes I did it. So now I don’t shower! Haven’t showered in months! + +Recently my sister is cooking and spilled sauce and left meat all on the floor. My mother swore that it was me! She blamed me for days! She said that my sister wouldn’t/didn’t do that! It wasn’t until I showed her what was spilled was in the refrigerator still and was my sisters. So now I don’t even use the kitchen! + +So, I don’t eat my moms shitty food, use the kitchen, or use the bathroom because she mocks me, teases me, and blames me for stuff! + +My life used to be the shit. I was a million dollar ghostwriter on Bad Boy, Rocafella, Columbia and other labels. I did 5 years at a large university in NY, but I dropped out because my mom stole my tuition money my junior year + +I’m trying to be cool and not spaz out and go through another psychosis. I’m bored, I’m lonely, I’m dirty, I’m poor, impoverished and consequently suicidal. + +Like MTV Cribs, I just wanted to bring you along for a day in my life. Being a boy in a house full of grimy women. I had a 100% average my whole life and I turned out to be a bum. My mother couldn’t even raise me to be a man. I feel pathetic! I did good all by myself, but now that my mother has ruined and sabotaged me enough, so, I’m dead. + +Sorry for the harsh language. I hope everyone gets home safely! Any replies, recommendations, kind words, anything will be appreciated! And thanks again.",Stress +48817,"I can't take it anymore I just want one day off where I'm not pulled into work bullshit. Just one! I'm the only person on my project, I've been begging for more people but I've been told either ""we'll have people next week"" or ""the person fell through"". I just broke down crying after being pulled into work stuff for 2.5 hours. I put in for PTO. It was approved. I'm supposed to be able to relax today but nope just MORE MORE MORE GIVE GIVE GIVE. + +My hair has been falling out, my period is all out of whack, I've gained like 15 pounds and I'm exhausted all the time. I just can't take the stress anymore...",Stress +49418,"Stress Relief in Making Things So last year, I went to a diner with my gf and I had myself a cappuccino for the first time. I've never tasted anything so delicious and I made it a goal to learn how to go about making one. After Christmas, I got myself an espresso machine. It would be a few months before I used it (lack of space where I live) but I finally got it set up back in November. My first drink, well... I never used a steam wand before. I watched some YouTube videos, my second cup was EXACTLY like what I had at that diner. Now I make about 3 cups a week or so (usually to keep warm more than anything) and it's expanding to where I got a coffee grinder so I'm not restricted by grind. If I want whole beans, I can work with them now. If I'm unsure what grind the bag I have is, pour some in the grinder to make sure. + +Was it expensive? Well, getting everything together was about $260. With all the payment apps out there, it's affordable. You can make tons of stuff too. Lattes, mochas, I'll make hot chocolate with this thing. And I love it. If I have guests, I always offer to make them something. I found zen in the process, satisfaction in these product, and a desire to expand on what I know. It really makes me feel better knowing I can make something that not only I can enjoy, but friends and family can as well. + +My advice? Learn a craft that you enjoy. If you like painting or even coloring, there's plenty of resources. If you like writing, maybe get a voice recorder for story ideas that pop up and expand on that for a bit. If you like food, all kinds of classes out there. But all in all, make something for you first.",Stress +29424,"Don't have a bus pass or anything unfortunately. The question is...where? I haven't seen any homeless shelters near me, much less ones for women. I currently have no job. Nothing.",Stress +29452,"He brought me to hang out with the two of them a few times. I'm not sure why he thinks I want to erode their relationship, this is another thing I'm still thinking about. My best guess is that my ""touchy"" ness comes off as flirting and he thinks I'm trying to take him from her? I do casually say things like ""I love you"" a lot too which just worsens it from that perspective. This is sorta horrifying to think about because I have absolutely zero romantic interest in him at all and the reason I valued our friendship so much in the first place was because there was no romantic/sexual element.",Stress +29764,"Since then, I've been having major anxiety about my voice and have refused to speak to anyone because I am afraid that they will think I am a lying robot. If I sound this way when I'm feeling energetic and confident, how must I sound the rest of the time??? However, I know that I am going to have to speak again eventually because not only do I have a job interview AND a party on Tuesday BUT I also have to do most of the speaking for my boyfriend as he is not confident at all in his English. Have any of you ever been told you sound like a robot? How did you overcome it or how did you stop feeling anxious about this?",Stress +27493,"My current boyfriend wasn't right, just a figure of the coma induced illusion. The only voice that seemed remotely really was my best friend, she's one of the few regular poodle I still have contact from that time. After a hour of my boyfriend, my best friend and my other partner working with me, I slowly started coming to some balanced sembelrnce of reality. Now I'm scared to go back to sleep. My ex, who abused me for 11 years, might be waiting tight there for me again.",Stress +48465,"Stress Management Hi everyone, may I please invite you to answer a poll? + +If there is anything you would want to be better at what would it be? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10n8jpe)",Stress +49163,AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Im losing my fucking mind,Stress +49189,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be entered to win a **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory +* Not have prior experience with mindfulness/meditation +* Not currently be receiving therapy + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +49209,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +48854,"Relaxing Music. Meditation Music, Piano Music, Calm Sounds, Sleep Music. Often times stress will manifest when we carry over yesterdays concerns into our present day concerns. An accumulation will almost always end up in a high stress level. Therefore, we must be able to dump all of our concerns from the previous day or days and concentrate wholly on our today. If you are having trouble sleeping, there are a few steps you can take to help your body naturally get to sleep. First try to get to bed at the same time every night your body runs on an internal clock and if you don't get to sleep every night at the same time you can through that clock out of whack so a regular bedtime routine is good practice even if you aren't tired try to lay down maybe read a book or listen to some relaxing music. Lifestyle choices will affect your sleep as well such as smoking, illicit drug use and pharmaceuticals, alcohol and caffeine; try to limit your intake of such things for better sleep. Next in line is nutrition, a combination of herbs and vitamins can help naturally relax the body and mind to help one get better sleep all night long. Green tea is an herb that is loaded with the amino acid l-Theanine, studies have shown l-Theanine to can help calm the brain, given todays high pass lifestyles most of us are still thinking about work or what needs to go on your grocery list while laying in bed, l-Theanine helps calm your thoughts for a better nights sleep. [https://youtu.be/2EPEBuS2ao0](https://youtu.be/2EPEBuS2ao0)",Stress +29675,"I have completely given up hobbies and interests outside work. I do not have time to engage in them. Things that I could normally do to relax, like exercise or yoga, are absolutely out of the question because I work 16 hours a day. 3. I am frequently sleep deprived due to my work hours.",Stress +28789,"They threw me up against the wall, patted me down and told me to sit down outside. The first agent ran in making quick tactical turns around the corners and in the rooms with his gun out. I asked one of the cops what was going on a few times before the words ""Child Pornography"" dropped out of his mouth like a fucking anvil in my gut. I didn't say anything, I could not comprehend that it was really happening. I've been through some shit in my life but I've never experienced the level of total bewilderment and unreality that I did when I realized the FBIs Crimes Against Children unit was raiding me for kiddie porn.",Stress +49015,"Need help!! (19M) My visa interview is coming up soon, and it will be about studying in another country and it is very important decision that i made. My entire family is actually cheering for me to succeed. They aren't putting any pressure on me, so I can't say they are. But I feel stressed by myself. I am concerned that what if the visa officer rejects me? What will happen to the hopes of my well-wishers? These questions keep popping into my head, and I'm starting to feel stressed. I'm in desperate need of assistance, so I'm sharing my story here. What should I do to gain complete confidence and stop worrying about what might happen if? +Most of the time, I fail because I am concerned about the consequences of my failure rather than focusing on what i do.",Stress +27623,He admitted to using the social media of girls he knows to get off. He even admitted to using his ex's nudes to get off. He downloads that specific app and then usually deletes it. He forgot today. We have sex 1-3 times a day.,Stress +48655,,Stress +28328,I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me at the moment. I’m wondering what caused you all to find out that you may have PTSD? Was it something you noticed yourself? Did family members point it out? Etc.,Stress +48865,"Stress Management Life is full of stress. It is what drives your body’s natural fight-or-flight response, which aids you in protecting yourself from individuals, situations, and events that put your survival in danger. #stressManagement + +[https://onlinemkt.org/stress-management/](https://onlinemkt.org/stress-management/)",Stress +28081,"Hi Im a 19 year old kid dealing with Agoraphobia over the past year. Very boldly said, Agoraphobia is the fear of going to public places, sometimes to even leave the house. The past week, some very unpleasant things have happened in my household. I told my parents about what I've been dealing with a while back.",Stress +29581,"In the meantime this girl texted asking what time he'd be there, but he didn't reply. Following day when she asked why he didn't reply/show, instead of sharing that he was saw me, he made up a story how he got stuck driving someone to the airport then followed with ""I wanted to see you more than anything."" At this point I royally freaked out and he said the reason he made up the story about driving to the airport was because now that it looked like he committed to attending, it'd be easier to come up with some urgent non negotiable reason why he couldn't make it (rather than look like a jerk that ditched last minute for something else that popped up without giving any notice). Again understandable. I do buy the story because when the girl called, she told me nothing was going on beyond friendship and that they hadn't talked in forever, she said she herself was busy with a new relationship which why is they hadn't talked beyond simple texts here and there, which would explain why she didn't know he was dating me just until that moment.",Stress +28743,"I just got a small job offer from a friend of mine who works prepping dessert plates at a restaurant, and well I agreed to try it out but I feel so anxious. This happens every time I look for jobs and they actually want to hear of me. I don’t know why, the whole process just feels like my embarrassment on display and I’m afraid to commit myself to working part time due to this. It’s nothing hard yet I feel so ashamed when I tell my family and partner that I didn’t simply like the job or feel like it’s demanding too much of me atm. It’s like getting a job takes so much from me atleast socially.",Stress +27673,"He seemed satisfied with this and kept pouring me drinks. Eventually he decided to close up for the night and I went back up to the house, tipsy and confused about what had just happened, but glad I had bargained some time. I got myself on the dole and the rope that was against my neck seemed to loosen just a little bit. However I was still in the prison of depression and plagued by self-destructive tendencies. Although I had some more regular income I would often binge on the euphoria of having money (I was still a teenager after all), spend too much in my mania and then quickly sink into paranoia and avoidance when rent day came along.",Stress +48885,"Stress Headache? Hi 27M, 185lbs, 5'11 here. The last two days I've been pretty stressed out with work and started noticing that to the left of my left eye little close to the side forehead I've been getting this awful pinching feeling that comes and goes. I drink some caffeine during the day, but today decided to lay off of it and it's still coming in waves. The best I can describe it as a pinching vain. I started worrying that it might be a stroke or aneurysm but quickly chalked that up to just being anxiety. I've been feeling a little ""foggy minded"" too so I wonder if that has come to play too? Yesterday night I drank a few beers and it seemed to help, but then came back when I was sober. I take an antidepressant, and Ritalin daily but have been on them for years so I really don't think that's the case. Does anyone else get this headache feeling? if so, remedies? or should I go see a doctor? thanks.",Stress +28365,"-What should I do when I move out? -What should I know before moving out? -How can I prepare? -I'm planning on going to a community college and then transferring to a university to get a Pharm D. Should I wait a year, work and save money before going into school? I'm getting desperate and I don't really know who or what to ask anymore",Stress +49282,"Short questionnaire about stress Hi guys! + +So, we've created a questionnaire about stress: [https://forms.gle/1PEqTfbveP1NrWgb9](https://forms.gle/1PEqTfbveP1NrWgb9) and we'd love for you to fill it out. Your responses will be super helpful for our research :) + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for your time! You'll find all the information needed in the description!",Stress +28812,"I had two friends attempt (no longer friends because one was a narcissist and the other was an abusive borderline) and both those attempts traumatized me. They made me so upset. I also was upset about the fake accusation about talking about rape porn. I keep thinking about my assault. It happened in public, at night time and it's almost like I can see how dark it is and how he forced himself upon me.",Stress +30166,"I might be homeless soon, I have about 500 dollars in my bank account and I NEED to get out of Massachusetts. I am going to be a college drop-out in my 3rd year due to family reason instead of academics. After a lot of research, I am contemplating between Wichita, Kansas and Columbus, Ohio. I really just want a minimum wage job so I can have a bed and private bathroom. Afterward I can get my life together and start taking programming jobs again.",Stress +28750,I'm so scared I actually don't want to lose him. I love him. I love him so much. tl;dr: I've gotten gaslighted in my past relationships and it's caused me to have a lot of self doubt about my thoughts and feelings and question myself constantly. in this case I'm questioning if im actually losing feelings since I'm developing crushes on others.,Stress +29941,But part of me fears that coming back out there I'll find a suicide. He's talked about it a lot and has plenty of guns. I had to take his Kimber .45 Raptor and Kimber .380 yesterday so I didn't have to worry about him shooting the dog. But they were just left o the counter cause I'm no thief. I just... Don't know what to do y'all....,Stress +28659,"On top of that, I also haven't taken the ACT, because I didn't think I'd even consider college. I literally feel like I know nothing and am completely unprepared for the ACT no matter how much I study, because I never payed attention in my classes. More things stressing me out are politics and family. But, not as much as the school / job thing. And I haven't reached out to anyone to tell them how stressed I am, and I feel it seems so stupid, and I'm sorry.",Stress +48418,"Headed into my first two exams of the semester and I’ve been panicking for hours I went to bed early last night to try to get a good nights sleep, but didn’t sleep AT ALL. Tossed and turned and heart was racing for like 9 hours in bed. Now I’m up and just ready to get these over with and put them behind me. I hate college, it makes my anxiety SO BAD. Looking into getting accommodations but it’s too late for these two exams -_- Wish I could just calm down and be “normal” and do my best…the crippling anxiety makes me perform worse.",Stress +49190,"Nausea My dissertation is due in 2 weeks and lately I've had nausea all day, it's surely stress related? Any management tips? Thanks",Stress +49348,"""Reduce Worry and Chill Out – The Best Gummies for You"" + +Are you feeling overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety of everyday life? You're not alone. Worry, stress, and anxiety can often come from daily tasks that are out of our control or from a lack of focus on self-care. Thankfully, there is an easy solution: best gummies for stress and anxiety! + +Gummies infused with calming herbs such as chamomile, lavender, and passionflower have been shown to reduce levels of worry and promote relaxation. + +They are also low in calories and free from artificial ingredients making them a great choice if you're looking for an all-natural way to chill out. + +Additionally, gummies can be taken anywhere at any time making them extremely convenient when it comes to managing your mental health on the go.",Stress +28059,? What if I am at a friends party and a man whispers in my ear that he likes to stare at me so he can touch himself later....but he is dating my friend and he knows I don’t want to upset her?? ? What if I am in the car with a man and some lady cuts him off and he gets road rage and says he wants to ���drag her out of the car by her hair and cut her nipples off” but then later says he “obviously didn’t mean it”?? ?,Stress +48433,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! +  +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: +https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a + +Or call or email us today for more information! +Phone: (850)-629-8525 +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com",Stress +48828,"Stress when working It's hard to explain, I'm guessing its some sort of stress, but I can't figure out how to get over it. A little background. Before the beginning of Covid Lockdowns (like right before) I had a major breakdown and went into severe depression. My sister was about to go through a life saving organ transplant (which went well), I had someone break up with me, I had 2 major career defining projects I was leading that weren't going well, and I was suffering from a torn labrum which stopped me from doing a hobby I loved. All of this happening in the span of about a week. + +It took me a long time to get out of my depression. I took medication, stopped worrying as much about having a great career, learned meditation and practiced it daily, found a new hobby, and tried enjoying life more over the span of the pandemic. I decided to make it a point to get away from my previous job as it caused me a major amount of stress. They overworked me, and the pay wasn't great for the amount of responsibilities put on my shoulders. + +It took me nearly 1.5 years to finally land a new job and leave that job behind. I have fantastic bosses at my new job, they pay me well and make sure that I'm compensated for my overtime whenever that is necessary (which isn't often). The only complaint I have about my job is it's a bit boring and not very challenging (or at least it shouldn't be). + +Now here's my major problem. I'm falling behind on my work and not learning at the speed I use to when starting a new job. I'm having difficulties learning all the systems and parts even though most of my job is just surveying equipment, and designing simple parts and cable assemblies. + +Every time I start on a new task or job, I start experiencing a dull stress and what I think is ""brain fog"". It feels like the top of my brain just hardens, and I get a mild headache. Over the day it drains me, but once I get off work I start quickly recovering. + +I use to thrive doing challenging work and continually learning new things in my field. Now I just feel tired all the time. I'm tired of feeling like this. I've asked for more challenging tasks from my boss and I get them, but it doesn't help. + +I just want to feel unburdened again at work.",Stress +28697,"The problem occurs when he returns to visit me for 1-2 weeks. When he's back at his girlfriend's house, he doesn't really have much to do. So, he spends a lot of time gambling. That in itself is a gigantic problem since we have almost no money. He is gambling money that he **can't afford to lose**.",Stress +29114,"Another update: I received two messages from random women yesterday. It turns out my boyfriend/abuser has been cheating on me, which is not surprising at this point. One of them, he went to get us food while I was home with my son, he paid for this woman's family's meal and got her number, and has been asking her out for drinks every couple days. She sent me screen shots of their conversations and he said, ""The ring I gave her is simply a gift to the woman carrying my child. We have had a rocky relationship and I can not see us as anything more than co-parenting"", then said, ""I don't work well with crazy"".",Stress +49331,Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide [Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide](https://www.motherofgrom.com/post/make-your-own-stress-balls-how-to-guide),Stress +29624,"I’m so concerned as we head into warmer months. I know I need to leave the area and that’s on my agenda, I just can’t do that before summer comes and goes. I am currently trying to come up with ways to manage my day to day life. Working from home, not venturing outside as much as possible. But even the ride from home to office is enough to send me into a spin for about an hour.",Stress +49937,"Just need to vent Sorry this post is a huge mess. I just need to let everything out and I don't know who to go to right now who would understand my situation. + +So I'm 17 (got diagnosed on my birthday, quick fun fact I guess lol) and moved out of my parent's into an entirely different state back in January. I was doing completely fine, and actually felt on top of the world for awhile. I did some exams that allowed me to graduate early before moving, told myself and everyone I'll get a new job and start college as soon as I can. I haven't been able to get a job here yet, so I have been doing commissions to hold me off for a while. I was doing really good with that, making about $80-200 a week which held me off pretty well (I'm living with my boyfriend who lives with his mom so I don't have to pay rent or anything, just need to buy stuff for myself and my cat) everything was going good. + +I had to stop my meds after I moved because my psychiatrist isn't licensed in this state plus the side effects for the meds I was currently on gave me really bad tardive dyskinesia. My boyfriend's mom has been pressuring me more and more recently to get a job, sending me links for places to apply to more, and I've been applying to them. The other night I had a conversation with my parents (I'm still on good terms with them) and my mom noticed I must be manic because I told her I've been unable to get much sleep at all due to my mind constantly racing. She said she wants me to come visit home asap because she has bipolar too and based on her experience she doesn't want me being unmedicated and manic in an entirely different state especially when the depression comes. + +I told my boyfriend's mom this and she was really disappointed, saying that she doesn't want me to constantly visit back and forth again (before I moved I would visit for a couple weeks very often) and that I'm supposed to have a job by now, and that basically if I'm going to be doing this I should just move back until Im 18. I seriously don't want to move back though. I love my parents and everything and I want to just visit, not move back entirely. I'm happier here with my boyfriend, finally have myself settled and comfortable here, and I'm worried if I move back I'll get addicted to bad habits again because my mental health was a lot worse there. + +My parents and my boyfriend's mom had a whole dispute and I was in the middle of it, and since then I just feel like it triggered something in me and now I feel miserable and sick and scared. I'm sleeping constantly, and when I wake up I have messages from my boyfriend's mom telling me to apply to some place, along with messages from my parents asking when I'll be visiting. I don't want to disappoint or upset either of them with what I do and I don't know what'll be best for me, staying here and getting a job or risking it and going back to get my mental health worked on. I haven't been able to draw much at all since then and I fell behind on my commissions which is making me feel worse and I just don't know what to do right now. I feel stuck and I just want to cry and sleep and ignore all these issues. I haven't felt this shitty in so long, I can't bring myself to do anything and I keep suddenly crying several times a day when I'm awake. + +Sorry if this issue seems trivial or anything. I just have an extreme fear of disappointing people which makes this all so much worse for me. I really want to visit my parents and get on something that'll help me, but I'm worried that if I go my boyfriend's mom won't allow me to come back, and I don't want to upset her with my decision since she keeps telling me to apply to the places she's sending me and I'm telling her I will so she won't get upset. + +I don't know what I want from this post. I just know I needed to let this all out. If anyone reads this all then personal input or advice is welcome. I'm not sure what to do right now, I need to make a decision quick but I can't bring myself to",Bipolar +46789,"Going to see a new Dr. tmrw and hopefully hop back on the med wagon! This is very long and in no way asking for a DX. The whole reason i’m booking an appt with a qualified professional tmrw is so I am able to get Dxd. This is more of a vent post/ Can anyone tell me about their experiences with mania and the journey to a DX I guess. Anyways loooong post under this paragraph. I’m on mobile so i apologize for any mistakes. + +I suspect i have bipolar. My friends suspect i have bipolar. When I first went to a therapist for devoloping issues after I made a very stressful move at 18 and was really struggling, she was the first to suspect Bipolar and pushed me to to see a psych. She suspected bipolar due to very impulsive behaviors (sexual and dangerous) and hallucinations that happened while I smoked. Unfortunately I didn’t see a psych for a long time. + +Who really knows but i would like for this at least to be considered bc i had a hell of a time last summer and i’m probably gearing up for another hell summer if i don’t get something straight. I in no way am qualified to diagnose myself of course, and this is mostly so I can get my facts straight to tell the doctor. + +Last summer starting around march, my mood really picked up and i was having delusions, paranoia, psychosis all that good stuff. Maybe it was the weed maybe it was something else. I at one point believed the owner of someone i was dogsitting for was secretly filming me from a camera in her bed and her tv. I thought every police man was out to get me. I felt watched all the time. For a straight month I only ate stale kid sized bags of smart popcorn from my trunk and this was before i got kicked out of my house. I never slept more than 2 hours. I got kicked out of my house for smoking weed constanly even though i promised I wouldn’t do it again. I drove like a manic, In talking going 100 down I95N (any baltimorians here?? y’all hit essex and the highway gets all twisty the adrenaline rush was insane) At the time was in the middle of a ED relapse and just didn’t give a fuck I mean i was planning to buy a dog a car an apartment with absolutely no money. Shit me and the friend i was living with had elaborate plans to start a dog grooming business. I quit my job suddenly one night for no real reason and once spent an entire 7 hours filling out loans. In september I bought a car with a loan that hand a ridiculous interest rate and smashed it into a exit sign a week later bc my phone died and i was agitated and “got bored” I have no idea what this was but thank god im alive bc i totally smashed my car to bits. I was wearing my seatbelt and I joke i’m a walking seatbelt ad. + +At the time I had been on Lexapro for about two weeks after seeing a psych and expressing the issues that were going on which she said sounded like anxiety and depression. The doctors in the hospital told me it was anxiety and depression. Maybe it is. I would just like some answers. I was in the hospital for six weeks, where they tried out Lexapro again and after I had adverse reactions (extreme irrabilty, impulsiveness) they switched me to Prozac and Risperdol and Dx’d me with BPD and let me go. My aunt had BPD but i also have a family history of undiagnosed disorders that caused extreme psychosis, my grandfather used to hear voices and suffered mood swings, but he was black and this was the 60s black people didn’t go to the doctor for shit like that they either drank it away or went to church. When i got out i spent 1500 dollars i didn’t have on random shit including three tattoos and completly fucked up my credit. I was medicated with a low dose of Prozac (20 mg) and Risperdol (.1mg) at the time. Three weeks later i was so depressed i did nothing but sleep and not eat. I lost ten pounds. They admitted me to the hospital for my ED about a month after I got out of my first hospitalization for the car crash. The psych there said a BPD dx didn’t make sense coming from someone who had only known me for abt four weeks and pulled it off my record. She put me on prozac and seroquel but didn’t give me a bipolar dx just left it as historical. I was doing okay and moved in with my Aunt in Texas and had about two weeks where i went off the seroquel bc i couldn’t get it refilled. I stopped sleeping again and was just generally euphoric. Nothing too crazy I was just very happy and excited and never sleeping and playing sims like a maniac. I stopped taking my seroquel after I got it refilled bc I didn’t like the feeling of forced sleep. Stopped taking my prozac too cause i just don’t give a fuck lol. Now i’ve been off my meds for about a month and a half and I’ve been okay, very impulsive and hyper sexual, making questionable decisions (quitting a new job I had for about a week, becoming a Cam girl, hopping on tinder) but still sleeping. I wanna go back on my meds but I know that after being off seroquel this long I have to wean up to the dose I was on (300mgs) cause there’s no way I can just start at that high again. Anyways anyone else just experience wild ass shit before they got a DX?? Even if i’m not bipolar I really don’t want a repeat of last summer lol. + +TLDR: I’m trying to go back on my meds and get a DX from a doctor. Had a wild ass summer/fall last year and just generally did not have a good time. Anyone else have trouble with multiple DXs before they settled on one?",Bipolar +50364,"today I cried in therapy because I’m tired of people worrying about me. I have confidence in my ability to take care of myself. I have been hospitalized twice and it was my decision both times. + +Now it’s a concern on whether I’m capable of moving out of my parents’ house. I’m a grown woman. I have a corporate job. I go to therapy. I go to groups. I take my meds. I have hobbies. + +Worrying is not the same as caring.",Bipolar +46403,"Nighttime lows? So I'm bipolar and have ADHD, and have been trying to get stable for about 17 years now (wow, it has been a long time, never did the math before). I'm probably the closest I've ever been to being healthy and stable because I've finally found a doctor who listens to me and wants to help, but I've also had life-long sleep issues and when it gets to be 2 or 3 in the morning I just get so depressed and my impulse control goes straight to zero (overeating, impulsive spending, etc.) + +Does anyone else ever deal with nighttime loss of control? If so, how have you dealt with it? I view where I'm at right now, where I'm doing well and a functional human being for ~12 hours a day, as a win, but it just feels like I'll never cross the finish line as long as I lose control at night.",Bipolar +46398,Anyone on geodon? I'm dropping Seroquel and have been prescribed geodon as a substitute to cross titrate to. Anybody taking it and have any thoughts on it? ,Bipolar +49604,"Travel Tips? How do you handle barking security agents, boarding passes, changing itinerary, foreign languages, rude locals, etc. without losing it? Here's what's worked for me: + +Photograph \*everything\* important - passports, credit cards, boarding passes, luggage, and store the photos in a locked folder on your phone. This helps recovery of lost items, lower your footprint if you get robbed, and it creates backups because you never know. + +Try to research as much ahead of time - Rick Steves advises to book the important stuff, but keep things open ended. I've found, since I'm so easily distracted, to have a few good options at all times that you can do in case things are getting weird. + +Go easy on the coffee - first thing I want to do in an airport or a new city is to have coffee. There's downtime, I'm jetlagged, weary, and already overstimulated, and caffeine I think adds to my disorganization. If I get lost, it makes me look even more like a crackhead asking for directions. It's best to get acclimated then act like a local. + +Assume you will get lost and account for it - my sense of directions are terrible. Without google maps, I would be at the front of Walmart, aged progressed, with a slightly insulting cash reward for whoever finds me. Set up SIM cards, initial itinerary, and a basic plan to get settled after arrival. + +Breathe, dammit! - everything's new, everything's stimulating, but you have responsibilities. Stay present and take.your.meds. Do you really want to be hospitalized overseas? + +OK how about you, gentle bipolar traveler?",Bipolar +46077,"Paxil withdrawal induced hypomania/rapid cycle I f**ed up my life in just 2 weeks. + +My brief history: + +* fall 2014 was prescribed Paxil 20mg/day for mild depression, anxiety and hypochondria. +* Tapered from 20mg to 10mg in 6 month. +* I was on 10mg since June 2015 till August 2017. So: 2 years, 10mg daily. I always took medicine before go sleep. +* I tapered from 10mg/day to 2.5mg/day in 5-7 months (August 2017 ~ March 2018) +* I stopped to take medication 2 weeks ago (20 of March). + +Until this point I was TOTALLY FINE. + +Now detailed description of last 2 weeks: + +* First 5 days were totally fine +* On day 6 (30 MArch) first withdrawals symptoms kicked in: shivering, cold, severe insomnia +* On day 12 (1 April) withdrawals was unbearable, experience first manic/depressive episode. Decided to reinstate on 5mg(and later 10mg)/day. I took my first half pill midday. +* Day 13 (2 April): 5mg morning, 5mg evening +* Day 14 (3 April): 5mg morning, 0mg evening +* Day 15 (4 April): 5mg morning, 5mg evening +* Day 16 (today, 5 April): 5 mg morning + +The symptoms I have now are rather painful and hardly bearable. Most prominent are: RAPID cycling from depressive episodes(+moredate agitation and anxiety) to hypomanic episodes and severe insomnia. Cycles changing every few hours and quite intensive! I never had this before, never!! Now I'm totally off, confused, suicidal, haven't slept cople nights. I'm in hypomanic episode right now so I can write this post. I took sick leave at my work, but if this will continue I will lose my job completely. I beg you for advice on how I can stabilize now, based on what I've already done. I'm not even looking to weaning off meds now, as there are a lot of life circumstances now that I responsible for. I just want to stabilize and reduce pain. +What I can do at this point? It's do hard to believe I broke my brain beyond repair so rapidly, just in 2 weeks. I was normal, happy and fully of life. Now I'm anxious, agitated and depress vegetable, lying on the coach wanting to die/suicide. +Any advice highly appreciated. + +P.S. yes, I visited my GP, he put me on a waiting list to mental illness clinic (waiting time ~4 weeks) and advised to continue Paroxetine 10mg/day for 2 weeks and then increase to 20mg/day if needed. But I'm scared to follow this advice",Bipolar +50139,"Just found out 14% of people with bipolar disorder have an eating disorder. Who else out there relates? It's a lot to handle sometimes, so I looked up the statistic and feel less alone!",Bipolar +50312,,Bipolar +49565,"How do you deal with your past? I dated an undiagnosed bipolar 1, while I was an undiagnosed bipolar 2. We met on a mania in our early 20s. I’m sure many of you can imagine the drugs and “fun” we had on our high. + +I ended up pregnant. He came down hard and I started having suicidal thoughts from all the drama being bipolar entails. I had an abortion. It was the abortion or drive off a bridge. Even his catholic family had choice words for me, that made me feel all the more trapped. + +I cleaned up and went back to college, and started traveling more. He went to rehab 2ce. I wrote him while in rehab the 2nd time. He was kicked out of rehab for acting on his hyper-sexuality. Him and the lady became a couple and had a daughter. I leave him alone, because now he’s diagnosed and I took a few college courses to educate myself on mental illness. I knew he wasn’t in full control. He would call me from fake numbers in the middle of the night, and we’d talk, never meeting up. His lady caught on and would call and confront me. I sent her receipts that it’s him after me. Eventually he stopped contacting me knowing I’d snitch. + +It’s been 8 years and I’m now diagnosed, and medicated myself. I recently had my own daughter. I’ve been thinking about him, and looked him up. He reached out to me 2 years ago, right before I was diagnosed, and I responded with his arrest record. + +As I’m looking into him, I find out he was in a coma from going in to cardiac arrest. He’s learning to walk, talk and move his hands again. It looks like he lost a finger. His family hasn’t posted any information about how or why. Also my daughter has the same name as his mom, totally forgot his moms name and my spouse picked the name. + +I’m in this fog of wanting to reach out, but also, why? We are living separate lives. It’s been almost a decade! I questioned if it was real love or the mania for so long.. + +My spouse and father of my daughter is a good guy. He’s stable and loving. He isn’t jealous and we have talked about the ex in the past. We have agreed that we chose each other and not the ex’s. However, he will never understand what not being in full control is like. + +It’s how I ended up on this sub. Looking to see if I was as crazy as I felt. Looking for similar experiences and stories, and boy did I find my community. + +Just looking to get this off my chest; and for y’all’s 2 cents, and experiences.",Bipolar +46749,"Question about something I can't quite seem to piece together Do people have like breakthrough mania and depression even on meds? I read some posts where people talk about the various moods and going through them. + +I guess, is it like, I shouldn't expect the medication to fix it all? Should I be prepared for stuff to come through? Should my family be prepared? + +If it does break through, do I tell my Dr? Does that automatically warrant a med change? I haven't had thoughts of suicide or harm for about 8 years. + +I'm newly diagnosed and just trying to learn the avg picture as well as my own.",Bipolar +45693,"My [21f] Doctors Keep Suggesting Lithium Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on here but I just wanted to say I really love the support community in this subreddit. + +Before I go into my questions, here's a bit about my symptoms/meds: I'm diagnosed as Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling. My current doctor has me on a very high dose of Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and Seroquel. Nothing seems to be helping right now, the episodes are staying just as intense (and quick) and I feel like I can't get any relief. + +I wanted to ask all of you about your opinions on Lithium. I was seeing one psychiatrist for years that had asked about my opinion on Lithium and I said I didn't want to go on it. She dropped it after that and decided to raise my Lamictal. It helped temporarily. I ended up relocating kind of far away from her, so I decided to see a new doctor. She also asked me about going on Lithium, but I'm still really apprehensive. + +My concerns are centered around the fact that my grandmother actually suffered a Lithium overdose and she's never been the same since then. I'm so paranoid that that will happen. + +Has anyone with rapid cycling had success on Lithium? Does it really do the ""zombifying"" thing people talk about? The event with my grandma happened a few years ago, are doctors more cautious with the blood testing and everything now? + +TL;DR my doctors keep prescribing Lithium but I'm very apprehensive, has it been successful for other people with rapid cycling?",Bipolar +50117,"Adequate protein intake My last post was removed for being pseudo-science. Fair enough. Here are a few sources that recommend eating at least 1g protein per kg of bodyweight: + +https://neurosciencenews.com/high-protein-diet-depression-22760/ + +""A new study that focused on nutrition and mental health of adolescent athletes found an association between high protein consumption and a decrease in symptoms of depression."" + +https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19841581/ + +""The indicator amino acid oxidation-based requirement values of 0.93 and 1.2 g protein/kg/day and the reanalysis of existing nitrogen balance studies are significantly higher than current recommendations. Therefore, there is an urgent need to reassess recommendations for protein intake in adult humans."" + +https://examine.com/guides/protein-intake/#references + +""higher protein intakes increase satiety, which is particularly helpful if you’re trying to cut calories as part of a weight-loss diet"" + + +https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-much-protein-do-you-need-every-day-201506188096 + +""The Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) for protein is a modest 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight. The RDA is the amount of a nutrient you need to meet your basic nutritional requirements. In a sense, it’s the minimum amount you need to keep from getting sick — not the specific amount you are supposed to eat every day."" + +As you can see, making sure you eat enough protein improves depression symptoms, helps weight loss (but is not a panacea) which we struggle with, and is generally deemed to be safe. + +The mainstay advice is *at least* 0.8g protein per kg bodyweight. It is generally recommended to get this protein from plant sources and also engage in physical activity.",Bipolar +45504,"This isn’t related to bipolar but I need to talk to someone and everyone here is asleep. Mice in my room, tw eating disorder Not sure if this can go here. + +I have an eating problem and I binge eat a lot and I keep the food wrappers in my room because I am embarrassed and don’t want my parents to find out about the binging... + +Woke up at 4am and saw a mouse on my bedroom floor and there is always more than one. Must have been attracted by the food wrappers. Told my parents and they are angry but I told them it was wrappers from Christmas chocolate not binge food. I’ll die of embarrassment if they find out, which they will, because all the wrappers are in a bin bag in my room. + +So the mice are going to be horribly killed and my parents are going to be so angry with me and it is all my fault and I feel so guilty. This happened when I was around fourteen for the same reason - I am now 22 - and oh god why the hell haven’t I grown out of this pathetic crap. + +I don’t know what to do, I mean short term the mouse need sorting out. I am in my brother’s room tonight now - too scared to go into mine - and I think I can hear them in the loft. It’s an old house. I am so scared that they are all through the house. The thought of them living in my room makes me feel a bit sick - when I was fourteen we put out traps and one died in front of me, and I swore I would change my ways and grow up a bit but now I am a fucking adult and I still am like this and my parents are going to be so disappointed + +Oh god. Been hearing noises for about a week but told myself it was the radiator making the papers move on my noticeboard, although looking back it was mice and I was lying to myself. + +I can definitely hear them in the loft above my head. + +I feel so bad ",Bipolar +47036,"Long term recovery I'd been bipolar for years, unmedicated. I tried to get help a few +times, but symptoms would pass by the time I got an appointment, or +didn't seem serious enough. I had a manic episode in 2015. I was +hospitalized and then later went to an outpatients psychosis response +service. Was put on Olanzapine. Later I was put on fluoxetine. After a +while I came off olanzapine and have only been on fluoxetine +since 2016. I also quit drinking in 2016. All that helped and I have +been sober/stable for over 3 years now. + +One thing I've noticed since my psychotic episode is it's been really +hard to make friends. I haven't made any new friends since then, and +I've drifted away from the ones I have. Part of this is just getting +older (I'm 29), but I've noticed when I do meet people I would +potentially care about, I'm just not that invested. I'm also slightly +fatigued the whole time. The fatigue doesn't affect me when I'm cycle +touring, but then we're talking 8+ hours of hard activity a day. I +can't possibly do that every day as a software developer. I cycle +every day commuting for about an hour and a half, so I'm not inactive. + +I don't have much ambition any more and it really feels like life is +passing me by. One of the most noticeable things about this is that +when I was actively bipolar I would be fixated on people. I was in +love with someone I'd say continuously for 9 years (not the same +person). But now I haven't really been attracted to anyone since I was +treated. Obviously the previous thing wasn't healthy; but nowadays I +try to date but I just don't develop any attachment to them. I'd say +it's lack of sex drive, but it's broader than that because I'm also +like this with potential new platonic friends. It'd be great to have +something in the middle. + +I'm not sure how to approach this. I've been thinking it may be the +change of being sober and treated along with the trauma of having had +such a serious episode; but alongside that I've been wondering if it's +something more basic like emotional blunting from fluoxetine, so I'm +thinking of talking to my doctor; but she's a GP and I don't have a +dedicated psychiatrist any more. Counselling is really expensive and I +used to just get it on the NHS. Not sure how to approach looking for +it myself. A lot of this may not even be a bipolar-specific thing so +much as like a personal development/life situation thing. + +Has anyone had experience with this kind of problem and how did you +approach it/what helped? + +Thanks all",Bipolar +50073,,Bipolar +45621,"Always worried now I recently decided to take a class in college and I am always worried that even though I am studying and retaining well, I am worried I will fail an upcoming exam.... + +I worry about money all the time. I worry about if someone likes me or not. The list goes on and on really... + +I have always been a worrier and I want to get out of the habit of continuously worrying so much. On saphris, I tend to not worry but sometimes I do. It gets overwhelming at times... + + Does anyone have any suggestions on how to manage this constantly worried feeling?",Bipolar +49907,"Do people with bipolar ever feel better than just ok? I’m meeting with my doctor tomorrow and I’m thinking about asking for new medication to add on. + +I’m not sure what to say, though. +I’ve been diagnosed with BP2 for 11 years. I was on medicine for a few years and then I unmedicated for a few years. + +My mental health got worse after getting diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. + +I’m currently on Lamictal. It’s definitely helped. My issue is that I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I’m better than I was 6 months ago. I feel okay. But that’s just it. Just okay. Some days are better than others, but I’m alright. I feel like I need something else. But I wonder if just being okay is all I’m ever gonna get because I’m bipolar? Will I ever feel true happiness? Like… I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, but I don’t know if this is was happiness is? I feel very nonchalant. I’m sure this has something to do with MS, too. + +What would you say?",Bipolar +50289,"Anyone here a therapist? I tried a masters program in social work years ago before I was treated for my complex ptsd and before I was on lithium. I know I would make a great therapist, but I want to know how hard it could be with the work while having boom polar disorder. Been having dreams I’m in school for it. Thanks",Bipolar +50497,"Tomorrow's another day I'm having a hard time right now. So I picked up my acoustic guitar and just made more noise than was in my head. Then I had to just grab a pen and paper. This is what came out... + +Tomorrow's another day +But tonight may never come +So I sit right here and now +And ponder my meaning to this life +Stru g together like a cats in the cradle string +Night has co.e and I'm full of misery +I don't think I'll ever see the sun again +My tool box scattered across the ground in disarray +I'll be leaving this world +Tho it might not be today +But it's time for the pain to fade +Reaching out to the light +From my own darkness that no one can see +What's it matter if I fade from the light +After all it's only me.. + +I don't have any thoughts of self harm right now. I just had so.e shit built up and the guitar and the writing on paper and here has made me feel so much better. If you're reading just know. You have worth. You're more valuable on this plane than you know. Have a happy day and don't forget to be awesome.",Bipolar +47044,"Does anyone take Depakote in the morning? I called my psychiatrist because I've been feeling pretty manic and can't get an actual appointment until May. He's increasing my Depakote from 1,000 mgs (2 pills at night) to 1,500 mgs (1 pill in the morning and 2 at night). Depakote has made a huge difference for me but one reason I was taking a lower than average dose is because a full dose (2,000 mgs I think?) knocked me off my feet, I couldn't get out of bed, I was disoriented, I spent 2 weeks in a haze before the doctor cut my dose in half and then I was fine. I really do think the higher dose will help the mania but it still causes some fatigue when I take it at bedtime, am I going to be exhausted all day if I take 1/3 of a dose first thing in the morning?",Bipolar +49843,"Dreadddd When the caffeine cravings, sleeplessness, and thoughts of skipping my meds kick in while getting that familiar tingle in my chest… here it comes. Praying God & this community give me the strength to combat these familiar patterns and stay on course.",Bipolar +50036,"Recently diagnosed but hesitant to get medicated Pretty self explanatory. I was recently diagnosed by a therapist with Bipolar 1. I’ve been able to use the counseling center at my university after coming back from a year long leave of absence from my masters program (likely due to a manic episode that I hadn’t recognized as a manic episode at the time). I had initially come in with the goal to reduce my chances of burn out when I was diagnosed. She recommended I see a psychiatrist to get medicated. I’ve always been highly wary of being on medication for anything, especially long term. Long story short I left with a script for Depakote (500mg) to take once at night. I work overnights, I intern during the day and I have classes throughout the week. I fear that getting on this med will affect my productivity (can cause sleepiness/dizziness). I guess I’m still working through accepting my diagnosis. How do I go about asking for a different med that will better work for my ever-switching sleeping schedule? I haven’t even wanted to take the Depakote. Sometimes I wonder if the diagnosis is wrong and I fear messing my brain chemistry up more.",Bipolar +49900,"Dissatisfaction is Eating Me Alive One of my biggest struggles with bipolar is a constant feeling of boredom and dissatisfaction in my life. For as long as I can remember, if I'm not doing exactly what I know will make me happy (often I have 0 idea what this even is) I get this feeling in my stomach and chest that makes me feel hot, anxious, uncomfortable, and general just bad. +Sometimes I wake up from a shitty sleep, my coffee tastes like garbage, my pets are driving me nuts, I don't have anything to eat, it's cold, EVERYTHING just feels like it's wrong and sometimes this lasts for days. I struggle to keep hobbies but recognize that I can't just spend money whenever I want though it makes me feel better. Recently, I am very agitated as well. When I'm dealing with this boredom it makes me mean and snappy. I live with my partner and I love him and our life so much but some days just being in the same room as other people causes the burning in my chest and stomach. Maybe these are depressive episodes, but until now my lows weren't like this. + +What is everyone doing to combat such boredom and emptiness? I feel like I'm running out of ideas and options.",Bipolar +49485,"Do you live in fear of being involuntarily hospitalized? I've been involuntarily hospitalized once and it saved my life. It was something I needed at the time. However, following my diagnosis, I worry that family members will use it against me if I'm acting in a way they don't approve of. I'm worried they'll tell police officers I'm ""mentally ill"" and that I'll be handcuffed and forcibly hospitalized. Is this fear realistic?",Bipolar +46693,"Rapid cycling. Please help. Hi guys + +I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but they seem to think it’s something else as I don’t fit the category properly. My GP put me on antidepressants. I’m cycling between moods in a matter of days and I don’t know what to do. When I go to my GP I’m not being heard and I feel like no one takes me seriously. I last visited my GP exactly a month ago when she started me on these antidepressants, I asked if I can be referred again for an assessment. I was referred to SPA and then they contacted me and over the telephone asked me what’s going on (I told them everything) but at the time I was good (manic) so she was like ok that’s good let’s leave you on the medication for now. I don’t know if that’s what my GP referred me to or if I should be waiting on another referral? I’m just so confused and sick and tired of all these moods. I can’t be productive or do anything when I’m like this. I’m just feeling so down and depressed, I have no idea where my time even goes. I’ll be going back to my GP next week but what should I say? I feel like everything is just overwhelming right now and everything is making it worse. Sorry if this is repetitive or doesn’t make sense ",Bipolar +49943,"Adhd meds don’t go well with bipolar I had the worst episode I’ve ever had since I was a teenager . I started adhd meds and it causes a full episode where I blacked out and did all kinds of craziness . But the lamictal is helping at +Least",Bipolar +49628,"Slipping Into A ""Classic"" Depression Very Weird For Me. So it's been years like 15+ years since I've had a depression that was not a mixed episode. I'd been pretty stable tye past 3 years, but my migraines at least that's what my doctor thinks they wre (had them for years) have been getting worse. Last year I wound up in the ER with one so bad that I went from moving under my own steam to get in the door (with the worst pain in my life, made running over my foot with a one story tall steel gate feel like kiddy play) to needing help into a wheel chair cause I couldn't even stand. + +I've had 3 rounds of blood work all normal a CT scan and MRI normal. Now an oximetry test Tuesday night. (Waiting on doctor to interpret the results) and an appointment with a neurologist august 9th (soonest they had) and required taking a personal day off work cause it won't fit well in my work day. + +They've never actually gone away. Even on days I don't record as having one I low-key always have pain, just it's at a threshold tolerable enough I can for tye most part ignore it. But most days of the week I've got headache and/or the front of my ""brain"" feels like it's being prickled with pins and needles (not in pain those, thats reserved for my temples and the icepicks behind my eyes) it makes my brain mush, and makes me feel physically weak. But every appointment I have because of that they test for a stroke but I come out normal/no stroke. And my mind is mush it can't think it's way out of a wet paper bag full of holes, heck it will even struggle for forum words. + +I just feel so hopeless and empty and broken. Like a pathetic, worthless loser and failure at everything,. That I'm not worth shit. And between tye two I'm always exhausted and don't have the energy or will to do things and even when I force myself I feel like I'm shit at it. But I'm also super irritable and pissy and angry alot. So much of the time I could scream and shout but cry and beat myself in the head at the same time. I struggling very hard to use my logic and tools to get out from under all this.",Bipolar +46559,"Annnd THERE’S the downward slide Posting because, like seeking treatment, you tend to when you’re depressed and not when things are energetic and manic. Been taking stimulants for so long that now I realize, I was taking more than usual (for school), that I realize I was self-medicating. Bummer. Oh well, more espresso, less depresso.",Bipolar +49579,How to make friends when your Bipolar? I’ve tried making friends in the past but it all didn’t went well because Im bipolar. I pushed everyone away during my depressive episodes and contact them when Im manic just to push them away again when Im depress. I find it really hard to maintain relationships. Any advice?,Bipolar +49557,"How do I make friends as someone with bipolar/social anxiety? I've never really had a best friend, and at most I've had like 2-3 good friends and then a bunch of people who I'm friendly with but would never interact with outside of school (college). I'm worried my bipolar is scaring people away. I feel like even thought most people don't know i have bipolar they know something is wrong with me it drives them away. I'm eccentric, show up having a completely different mood than the day before...typical bipolar stuff and I just feel like people know I'm not right. or maybe there's other reasons I'm not good at having best friends. Out of my two closest friends, I guarantee I am in neithers top 3, top 5 maybe not even top 10. (Not even being self depricating I know it's true) How can I be closer friends with people?",Bipolar +46604,"Doc has me on Seroquel as needed, is she nuts? Doctor prescribed me Seroquel to help me sleep and to potentially help me calm down when I start feeling manic. She had prescribed it to me to take as needed. I think I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms a day or two after I take it each time. Constant waking up and vivid nightmares. I don't think this is supposed to be an as-needed medication.",Bipolar +45954,New BP1 I was recently admitted for a short involuntary stay at the county hospital psychiatric ward. My s/o took me because I had a breakdown last Monday & cut myself and was threatening suicide and really wanted it. I was so scared and angry with my s/o for forcing me to go. I was screaming and crying. The hospital itself was dirty and it was overcrowded. I slept for 12 hours and then woke up to be told I was being “admitted” to my surprise because despite my arm being cut up I felt okay and wanted to go home. The unit I was taken to was the only available one and it was a schizophrenic unit. Wow the things i saw and experienced were remarkable. I left with a bipolar 1 diagnosis and it makes a lot of sense to me and am started on Latuda for about a week now and don’t feel any different. Cut again on Monday. Hoping for a break in this depression. ?,Bipolar +49971,"NP wants to Experiment with New Drugs Been lurking for a while but thought I’d ask y’all for some advice. I am Bipolar 1 and have been stable since 2016(Some lows but no manic outbreaks). + +My psychiatrist put me on 1600mg Lithium and 6mg risperdone coming out of hospital in 2016. Now I am at 1200mg Lithium and 1mg Risperdone. + +My new NP who oversees my meds and mood seems like a knowledgeable guy and ran it by me to see if we could try new meds. He wants to make sure the side effects of my current meds aren’t affecting me too badly. + +I am concerned because these are the only meds I have been on since being hospitalized. Lithium and risperdone are my so called “cocktail” that work with me. + +What do you guys think? Have any of you been on the right blend of meds but your medical professional wanted to try different? + +Thanks for any advice",Bipolar +49874,"Now on a cocktail of lithium 300 mg x3, clonezepam .5mg, and risperidone 2 mg. Now on a cocktail of lithium 300 mg x3, clonezepam .5mg, and risperidone 2 mg. Doc upped my meds after I told him about my most recent travels (traveling is really triggering for me). This cocktail helps but any tips getting through the work day? It makes me so tired and groggy and zombie like.",Bipolar +46167,"(Slight TMI) Should I get my prolactin levels checked? If I'm understanding correctly, Latuda can increase your prolactin levels. I'm pretty sure that's happening to me because my breasts are feeling pretty similar to when my milk came in after giving birth. + +I see my psychiatric med manager on Tuesday. Is this worth bringing up or am I worrying over nothing?",Bipolar +46474,"Finally went to go see a doctor I finally went to go see a psychiatrist on Monday and got told all my symptoms do match bipolar and its not all in my head. I got referred to a therapist so the next step is meeting with a therapist a couple times then going back to my psychiatrist for meds to help. While this is great and all, but I'm afraid of what'll happen between getting my meds. Just this last day I've been having horrible mood swings, getting so angry and cold. I've been having more and more thoughts about hurting myself and others. The hurting others bit is what's scaring me the most. Im not a violent person but I'm afraid I'm going to snap and really hurt someone. Does anyone have any tips to control anger and moods swings in general? ",Bipolar +49873,"Shift Work and Me Sooo I moved roles at my company in September to a shift of Wed-Sat 2am-12pm. At this time, I didn't know the effects of my circadian rhythm on my bi polar. I was able to move to 4 am-2pm, but now I have been asked to go back to 2am-12pm. + +My question is, does anyone else do shift work? How do they manage it? I have a wife and 2 kids, 5 & 3. And I am seeing time just slip away.",Bipolar +46001,"Finally something positive I nailed another interview this morning. And have a phone interview this afternoon. This is the longest ive been without work in 4 years. Its driving me crazy. But im pushing through. Even when my life feels like its in shambles, im pushing through. + +I got squeezed in to see my psychiatrist yesterday because things were getting extra bad. Got prescribed depakote. Had some wonderful dreams last night and woke up this morning ready to jump back on the horse. + +Im still having some issues with wanting to push people away though. And im almost drowning in stress. But i will pull through this.",Bipolar +49898,"What do you hate being told the most? I hate when people tell me what I just need to do to get better. They act like if I just do something simple (exercise more, cut out sugar, take whatever vitamins, etc.) my life would be so much easier and I wouldn’t struggle so much. They act like I’m stupid because I can’t function like a “normal” person and doing something simple is the answer. It is very frustrating. + +What do people tell you that you hate?",Bipolar +45439,Tips for the new semester? Spring semester of my sophomore year of college is starting soon. I need to figure out how to get a better handle on my life despite being bipolar. Does anyone have any advice for me? ,Bipolar +45586,Fast Cycling I've been experiencing extreme mood swings in a single day. I thought it was a hormone problem but a friend said it could be from my bipolar diagnosis. I haven't mentioned it to my psychiatrist because i didn't think it was related since I had never heard about that being a symptom before. I've definitely never met someone else who has described the same thing. I'm taking lamictal but I can't tell it working other than not being in a depression for months at a time anymore. Does anyone else here experience this?,Bipolar +46785,"What is the longest amount of time you've been stable? I've been so stable for the past 2 years (thanks to regimented medication, therapy) that I'm getting this idea in my head that I'm not bipolar or don't have any problems anymore. I realize this is dangerous thinking. Has this happened to anyone else? When I worked at a mental hospital a lot of older people came in not having had an episode in 10 years and then having it hit them all at once for whatever reason. I'm just curious how long you guys' stable periods have been. Looking for words of encouragement that this can last a long time. I'm scared that one day my medications will stop working and it will all come back.",Bipolar +50477,"Can music be too much? DAE feel music too deeply? There are some songs that are visceral triggers for me both positively and negatively. + +I stumbled upon JoJo’s ‘Say Love’ recently and I literally sob every time I hear it, so naturally I over play it. + +Just wondering if anyone has this same reaction to music and if so, what are your songs?",Bipolar +49960,"i'm tired. i need to sleep. i want to sleep. but.. if i sleep, i wake up and it's tomorrow. tomorrow isn't even bad, i'm just lazy and don't want to go to my 3 hour school day! i really, really should just sleep. i can rest my head and in like 5 minutes be knocked out. but then i'll be so tired in the morning. + +i know i really shouldn't but.. what if i just smoked some weed? chugged some energy drinks? triggered a manic episode and stayed up all night and all day. could i time it correctly? no, probably not. i've done this before and it never ends well. maybe the trick is more weed? + +it's either live a stable life, slightly depressed for a bit but getting better, or ruin it all my purposely triggering manic episodes that LITERALLY DAMAGE MY BRAIN. why am i even considering the latter? why do i keep doing this? this isn't even the bipolar this is just me being shit and making bad decisions. + +sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep PLEASE make the right choice holy shit. + +why do i have this urge to self destruct?",Bipolar +46481,"I miss my bestfriend so much[venting] The only person who had kept me under some sort of control for the past year and a half, my former bestfriend, cut complete ties with me a few days ago. Told me to never contact her again. Now I feel like I'm in hell. I have a family. I have a handful of friends. But I can't build a real, trusting relationship with them. I’ve tried so hard. I have some really bad trust and attachment issues because of my dad leaving when I was 5. And then when I was 12, my mom also left(but thankfully my dad took me in and raised me from then on). This has left me in a way that I can only do one of two things. Either not get attached at all, or get extremely attached. But because of the extreme attachment leading to hurt in previous relationships, I had purposefully put space between me and others. + + +She was the first person in a long time who I really opened up to and let in. I thought she was doing the same to me. We were so insanely close. Then I did one dumbass thing, which I didn't realize was a dumbass thing, and she just turned cold on me. It's like, all the stuff she told me about how much she needed me, how much she loved me and how she would be devastated with me, just disappeared. I've spent the last several weeks trying to fix things, with her warming up a bit, then turning cold, then warming up, then turning cold. I can't put all the blame on her for this. Me going from begging and pleading for forgiveness, to yelling and screaming at her for abandoning me, and then back to the other one, made the situation way worse. But I was at such a low point, I was actually planning my suicide and I was just desperate to have her back. It was so painful and anger inducing that this person, who I gave everything to, didn't even care about it. I put her in front of me. I have suffered, so that I could make sure she didn't. I'm not an innocent angel in all of this. I'm clingy, I'm needy, I'm unstable and high maintenance. I also have extreme mood swings. But I also loved her. Fully and completely. I thought she knew this. + + +I was willing to do anything it took to make her want to stay. I tried everything I knew. But it all failed. After one too many fights, things are at a definite end. There is no going back. Now I'm feeling so isolated and alone. The only person I could talk to, hates me. It feels like no one else is even trying to understand me. + + +To them, ""she's just some girl. Just move on."" They don't know her like I do. She's amazing, in every way. The day after I attempted suicide last March 25th, I was in the emergency room, alone. I was so scared and I had no one to talk to. She called and texted me as much as she could(she works as a waitress). Kept telling me that things will be okay and that she would be there for me. That’s what made her so special. When everyone else was freaked out and pushed away, she would run forward and try to help me. And I lost that. + + +All I can think about is that it took me 23 years to meet this one person who I got along with on such a deep level. Is it going to take another 23 to meet the next? And even if I do, they will never be able to replace her. It was nice to be in a relationship(whether it be friends, romantic, or familial) where I felt like I could just fully and completely be myself. I just miss her so much. The depression and stress I'm feeling from this is making my bipolar disorder spin out of control as well, which is just fucking annoying as well. When I met her, I was at a point where all I could think about was killing myself. I felt there was no hope. Nothing would get better. Now, without her, I'm basically back in that headspace and it sucks. I just feel so hopeless and empty. It hurts to breathe. Every morning, I wake up and I feel ok for about a minute. Then reality comes crashing in and I just cry till I can’t. + + +I do go to a psychiatrist, who is also a therapist. This is my 5th Psych and 3th Therapist in the last 2.5 years. They've tried over 2 dozen meds and a stupid amount of hours of therapy. Nothing has worked so far. I'm basically giving up at this point. I even told my psych that a few days ago. All this time and nothing has changed. Why should I believe it will now? I think any day now, I'll just end it all. I can’t go on without her.",Bipolar +46073,"Looking for someone to discuss my experience Hi all! + +The past few months I've suspected more and more that I may have a mood disorder, specifically bipolar or cyclothymia. I've noticed mood patterns in myself and also my mother (strengthening my suspicion). I was just wondering if I could have a private conversation with anyone here and see if they have any insight. Obviously this is no replacement for a professional diagnosis or therapy. I'm just very curious about my situation and I don't see myself reaching out to a professional on my own will, so I thought an external opinion may spark me to do so. Thank you immensely in advance if you take the time to help me out.",Bipolar +46550,"Thank God for my wife So today I was supposed to go get our niece's car, take my kids to the doctor, go to best buy (my kids cashed out some stocks they got when they were born and wanted to get a few things), and run a few other errands. I get easily overwhelmed just taking my kids to school. I can power through that but just barely. All this other activity plus driving a car I want no responsibility for in the rain had me going bat shit crazy. Add to that I don't have my buspar right now. So I start ugly crying cause I can't just power through it. My wife holds me, tells me it will be okay, and calls in sick to work to handle things. Thank goodness that her boss is very understanding and they have a very liberal call in policy. So here's to all the spouses who deal with us and are extra supportive through all our emotions.",Bipolar +45836,"Bipolar II and not on meds. I (23F) have Biploar II and have never been on meds to treat it. I am not a fan of medications unless there is absolutely no other option (besides death). I have tired Prozac once but it made me violently nauseous and did nothing to help me.. +For the most part, I think I have managed fine so far. . +I have waves of very low hopeless depression and then waves of great high functioning hypo-mania. + +Anyone else similar to this? opinions? +",Bipolar +46654,"I feel my mood escalating and I don’t know what to do. Have you ever seen mania coming and successfully avoided or minimized it without hospitalization? I’ve probably been hypomanic for a few weeks now. I was trying to ride it out because my work, my relationship, and my friendships are all in good shape. I didn’t see anything to worry about. Until last night. I made bad choices and I’m afraid of more to come. I haven’t hit mania yet, but I see it approaching on the horizon. Has anybody had success nipping a manic episode in the bud? Do I just admit myself and ride it out under supervision? I really don’t think I can afford that. ",Bipolar +49826,,Bipolar +45422,"I feel like a failure because I've had to move home to deal with my mental illness I've been just fine living abroad for over a year, but I came home for the holidays with the intent to move on to another country afterwards. But in the last week or so before I came home, my mental health dropped off a cliff. And it has continued to fall. And now I'm having to change my entire life plan because I need to take care of this so badly that I need to stick around my hometown while I seek therapy. This is such a sudden change from everything that I'd had planned for MONTHS, and now I feel like a failure because I have to move back and stick around to deal with my stupid mental illness. Like, as it is, I'm depressed as hell, and feeling this sense of failure on top of that is only making it worse. I have an intake appointment with a local counseling center next week, so I am actively working on getting help, but everything still sucks. + +Now I have to find a car, a job, and an apartment (I can't handle living with my parents for longer than a couple of weeks), which are factors that I hadn't planned for at all. I have a love/hate relationship with my hometown - I've fantasized about getting the fuck out of here ever since I was, like, 14 years old, and it breaks my heart that when I finally made a huge move that I'd been wanting to make for years (living abroad), I now have to cut that plan short to deal with this mental illness shit. Which is why it feels like failure: I tried something that I'd been wanting for SO long, and just when I thought that I'd made it, I ended up stuck back here to deal with factors beyond my control. + +So the point of this is part vent, but part ""has anyone ever felt like this?"" and if the answer to that is yes, ""any tips on what to do about it?""",Bipolar +46610,"Mood Trackers Recently my psychiatrist had me look into CBT, and while I can't afford counseling at the moment, I've decided to start mood tracking. I've tried it in the past but gone into episodes of just not being able to. How do you guys stay motivated? What trackers do you use? ",Bipolar +49882,,Bipolar +50643,"When do I tell him? I’ve been dating this guy for the past nine months. We’re mutually exclusive but not yet bf/gf. I have bipolar 2 disorder and have been diagnosed on a few occasions. +I fear that if I tell him, or he experiences me during an episode it’ll be too much. +So my question is when is the right time? How do I have this conversation? When did you tell your partner?",Bipolar +46573,nightmare related to my bipolar disorder I have been extremely manic the past week or so and a few nights ago I experienced a nightmare that really irked me. I get weird dreams and nightmares quite a lot but this one was extremely unsettling. It started off with me walking down a street in the city I live in and I could see something up ahead so I started walking towards it. When I got close enough I saw a person with a bag over their head being held in handcuffs by two men and was wearing a nightgown of some sort with “BIPOLAR” written across it. They were knocking door to door telling people to stay away from people with bipolar disorder and that they’re freaks. I started running down the street and I passed two children in a window sewing dolls (not sure what that was about but pretty creepy) and after that I woke up. Overall it was a horrifying dream and I would like to know if anyone else with bipolar disorder has had a nightmare similar to that. ,Bipolar +46352,League of Legends Does anyone here play LoL? If so I would love to play with you. I am on the NA server and my username is Summ0ner Name,Bipolar +50500,"My bf is making me have episodes | TOXIC He has no boundaries. I tried to get a restraining order and felt bad. I’m co-dependent and I put his emotional needs before mine. He is emotionally and physically abusive. He uses my mental illness against me. + +It’s dangerous to cut him off cold turkey because he harasses and stalks me, my family, and friends.",Bipolar +46855,"Missing work, feeling guilty Last night I left work because I was legitimately sick. Today I feel better but told my boss I am still sick so I can’t come in...it’s really because I am so incredibly depressed, working a full shift feels so unmanageable. Even getting out of bed feels unmanageable. I feel so guilty about missing work, it’s really unlike me, but all I feel capable of doing is staring at the ceiling and going to sleep. + +I want my job to see me as a valuable and good employee, I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with taking the space and time I need to feel like myself again, I just hope my boss and coworkers can understand that sentiment as well. + +So yeah, today I feel pretty defeated. I hope you’re all doing better than I am.",Bipolar +50376,"Living a fulfilling life despite bipolar I really could use some success stories. Are you diagnosed yet still feel like your life is good, well balanced and you find it fulfilling? Tell me all about it please. I really need to hear some positive life stories",Bipolar +49841,"Different Experiences I got diagnosed as bipolar and it’s been really difficult seeing other people online who have had different experiences than me with it. It kind of makes me feel like mine isn’t real or that i’m making it up somehow. Its hard to see the person I am when I’m manic as me. This all makes sticking to meds a challenge. I know I’ll just end up talking to a wall by myself in a psych ward without them, but all of this makes it really hard to follow through. Has anyone else felt this way?",Bipolar +49970,"Advice on getting work accommodations? I am currently trying to get permission to work from home full time. It’s been denied before, but I was just told to add a lot of details… anyone have experience with this? What did you include? + +If you got any other accommodations, please feel free to share! I am hanging by a thread when I have mixed episodes and can only function from home. + +Edit to add I had to take a 3 month leave of absence so I feel like I can use that to emphasize my need more. I’m also diagnosed with social anxiety and being around these loud strangers doesn’t help.",Bipolar +45695,"Bipolar and high IQ I don't like to advertise my IQ, generally my peers describe me as a genius on their own. Family is generally disappointed in me as I'm 'supposed' to be a multi-millionaire by now but I choose to work physical jobs. Made $200k at 19 years old and then I just... stopped, explored other avenues, particularly women. + +A hypomanic episode occurs about every 2 years and everytime it's like an 'upgrade'. It lasts about 5 months and everytime I shift my focus onto something new. I'm 26 now, survived 6 episodes, and the current focus is management... I am now an ENTP, previously an INFP, and originally an INTP. Bipolar is a double-edged sword, the best and worst thing. + +My job has helped a lot, paid for therapy and etc. They're used to it, a lot of people in logistics go nuts. But I'd really like to control this better. + +",Bipolar +45698,"Bipolar and shrooms Hi just last year I was diagnosed bipolar type II. I'm not really clear on my diagnose since I've never been on a manic state, my psychiatrist says I have hypomania. But the truth is that most of the time I'm really depressed. I get triggered by an ongoing relationship with a friend that used to be my boyfriend but now just see each other from time to time and have sex. We love each other but kind of in a friendly way. This new relationship dinamic that has been going on since December last year, has been a real struggle for me since I really don't want to loose his support and love and sex. It means a lot to me maybe the only thing that keeps me going on. Most of the times we don't talk during the week and I wait for him to talk to me, this makes me very sad and it triggers my depression. +Not long ago I decided that I wanted to do shrooms. 6 years ago I did them but I was naive and a fool, I did a very low dosage and I was a very different person from now, I didn't get very much insight. +Now I would like to consult with magic shrooms, 1 gram to start off. +Last year has been a rollercoaster for the meds. Right now I'm taking 250 mg of lamictal, topamax 25 mg 3 times a day, risperidal 0.5 mg and 200 mg of quietapine. +I'm really open to all suggestions, I'm hoping this can be an eye opening experience that will help me in the future, maybe help me being so dependant on relationships. +I'm thinking about doing this with a friend we would like to do it on a place with lots of nature. The first time I did it was on the woods and I was really happy and connected to the greenery of the forest. Please let me know your opinions + +Edit: please so that you may understand a little bit more about my relationship. I do not feel like I'm in a bad relationship. In fact we have a great dinamic and connection and we understand and love each other. We decided to stop labeling as girlfriend/boyfriend because right now it can bring so much stress in this period of our life's. It my case it was making me enter into a very dependant attitude and he was sucking up all of that energy and getting depressed too. So we decided to break up, stop seeing each other with the same frequency, start acting more like friends, and when we see each other indulge in sex as a natural and healthy activity and enjoy or spend some time together watching movie, hiking on the nature. So if you see we have been doing this maybe 2 months or so. We see each other every 2 weeks or 1 week. He tells me that this year's that he is focused on creating and expanding his work not really looking for a girlfriend and I do believe him so when he tells me this. I'm really on the same boat with this, I just got a good paying job, I'm painting, eating healthy, taking my meds, exercising a bit, sleeping on time. +He will be travelling on June maybe to Europe 3 months and it will be tough for me but I think that that time will be a deciding period for me to think things over. I will miss him very much but it will make me a tougher woman I'm 28 but sometimes I still feel like a little afraid girl. I'm still very positive that everything will turn all right and that even with him or without him I'm going to be okay. Today I woke up in a good mood. :)",Bipolar +46387,"Looking for a new job while in school. Any suggestions? I want to go back to school, but the classes I need to take at the community college are in the mornings and afternoons. I work a full-time job 8:30 to 5:30 to support myself. I've been looking for a job where I can start later in the afternoon and work full-time. Anyone have suggestions or share experience if you have been in my situation.",Bipolar +49924,"Voluntary or Involuntary Admission? + +I have read quite a few posts that talked about how their doctor told them that they might be admitted as involuntary if they didn't go in voluntarily. But didn't they just change it to Involuntary once you were at the hospital? Whenever I have gone to the ER willingly, the moment the ER doctor interviews me I immediately get formed. Even when I was willing to stay voluntarily, I was always admitted as an involuntary patient. +Has this been the case for anyone else? If not, how did you convince them to admit you voluntarily?",Bipolar +46131,"I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job because of my Lamictal. Memory has always been bad but it's getting worse and worse. I'm getting write ups left and right for making stupid mistakes. Mistakes that could directly harm living creatures. + +But I'm afraid to come off Lamictal. It's the only thing that's ever worked like this for me without massive side effects. + +I had to use a week of PTO with one days notice because I had a medicine change that triggered a mixed episode. + +I don't know what to do. I have to work. But I feel like I'm a terrible employee. I'm not worth the payroll. I hate this.",Bipolar +45624,"Antipsychotics and stimulants? Hello, hi. I was recently prescribed Modafinil to take with my current combo of meds (rexulti,trileptal, vybriid) and I’ve started to get frustrated at the lack of effects from the Modafinil which I assume is because of the rexulti (dopamine antagonist). Has anyone else felt like their stimulants don’t work because of atypical antipsychotic? and have been able to do something about it? I think I’m going to try and convince my psych to let me taper off the rexulti and increase the trileptal. Does anyone know if trileptal is also a dopamine antagonist? I’m so frustrated!! Maybe rexulti is the reason I can’t study in the first place. Gimme back my dopamine ",Bipolar +49795,"One dumb thing causing the big M today Hi y’all! I cannot use the TW flair I dunno why. +I am overall stable. But something happened today and I FEEL manic. Grandiose thoughts, hyper active brain (usually my brain is quiet and organised, now it works so much I have a headache lol) etc, you name it. Dreams of doing this and that, eh. And I couldn’t even take a nap. +All because... I wrote to my aunt I was never close with. Yes you read it right. You might ask yourself- „ee, what?” I hasten to explain. +So there was the year 2019, I went full-blown manic. It was really intense. My closest family was away but they knew something was up because of the things I had been telling them, my online activity and overall behaviour reported by more distant family that lives nearby. (I visited them xx times per day.) +So one time I really was scared I will die or something, I opened the door to run to the family nearby and when I opened the door there was this aunt (she is not the one I visited, she lives also nearby, but more far away then the other family members) +I was afraid to sleep (I didnt sleep properly in this time period, only kind of blacked out) +She tuckled me to sleep and I had some rest. +When my closest family came back, clearly distressed (the way the house looked + many other things) they called the ambulance and there I was in the mental hospital lol. +This aunt was helping my mother to deal with me. +Ok now back to these times, this aunt is a kind of person that forwards these pictures with written things on them to everybody. As I don’t own the whatsapp app, I wasnt reading them. I only installed it sometimes and I wrote like a flower to her as a response or wishing also everything well (as a response to these pictures) +Today I opened whatsapp and the last pictures from her were at the beginning of march. It was unusal because she used to send them a lot. I kind of regretted not replying more to her even with a flower emoji and I randomly send her „happy (second) day of spring 🌷” +And like that, it kind of switched something in my brain lol. +I want to mention that my mania was always occuring in spring/summer time. +It is a little bit chaotic but english isnt my first language. I wish I didnt send this message. +There is also a possibility that I somehow didnt get these pictures and she was still sending them. +It makes me think, if I couldn’t control this impulse to send a message, maybe there will be other things I will not be able to control.",Bipolar +45581,is bipolar disorder caused by faulty brain mechanisms? such as overactivity in diff parts of the brain?,Bipolar +49885,,Bipolar +50402,"I feel like I'm subtly giving up and I can't stop Background: I'm bipolar 2. I'm a 42 year old man. In addition to the bipolar, I'm autistic and have been severely abused throughout my life. My wife left me suddenly and with no warning after 15 years of marriage. I'm still in love with her despite her cheating on me twice. I blamed myself, but it doesn't change anything. She also left me with both of our kids, who I love a lot, they're 10 and 15. We've decided to slow date again, and see if we can actually be together, but she's already saying it's hopeless before the first date. Yeah, I know, it's a really bad sign, but I have to try for me. + +Now: I can't stop sobbing all the time. Like hard, hurt sobbing. I'm in therapy and I'm on meds. I'm not actively suicidal, but I am starting to worry that I might be slipping into a suicidal trance. I think about it daily and I keep pushing the kids into my brain to stop it. I don't really have anyone to talk to because of the aforementioned marriage, there's a lot there and a LOT of people would tell me don't give her a second chance, including my 15 year old. I feel so fucking stupid for still loving her despite the harm she's caused me. But let's get back on subject. Today, when I was signing out of work on Slack I typed ""Bye"" to my boss unconsciously, I've never done that before, it's always been, ""See you Monday,"" or something else. I held my 3 cats each in turn today and just wept and hugged them. I wandered around the house (I work from home) after work and just felt melancholic and went into each of the rooms and thought about memories in that room. I don't know what my brain is trying to get me ready for, but I'm scared of myself right now. I can't really talk about it out loud to too many people because if the divorce goes forward I might lose custody of the kids because of it, even though they've both said they want to be with me and she is the one who left. So here I am. I don't know what is happening, I'm scared and I have no where to really turn at the moment.",Bipolar +45520,"For the ladies out there- Bipolar and that time of the month? some stats: i'm 23, diagnosed with BP 1 with psychotic features, Major depressive disorder, severe panic disorder, PTSD & mild ADD when i was 21 but have been dealing with BP symptoms since i was around 14 or 15. i'm also extremely sensitive, to almost everything. + + +So, i notice when its that time of the month or whatever (i've pretty much always noticed this), My moods get a bit dangerous. i'll be mostly stable the rest of the month but since i'm already a sensitive person when i'm on my period, i feel like my moods go to the extremes, really quick. right now, i keep having random extremely angry thoughts. i don't have anything to be mad about. but i just feel almost uncontrollably angry. its like literally my brain goes to polar opposites and its frustrating. I've been dealing with extreme moods while on my period for a really long time. i'm just not sure if its me or if Bipolar has an effect? Does anyone know if BP amps up the mood swings or am i just a moody bitch? lol. + +I currently am not on any medication due to some insurance problems. but i do smoke weed regularly (indica only) and it helps a LOT. more than the pills in my opinion, but i know i need meds, just need to figure out this whole insurance thing. + +In the past i've been on MANY medications & honestly, none of them helped while it was that time of the month. Some of them made me worse (more depressed/triggered Mania). I've been told Birth Control helps, but i don't notice a difference. +I asked my doctor and she says ""its very possible"" but i just want to know from people who have BP. + +Sorry if this is an inappropriate question, I'm just curious, really. + +Side note: being an adult is an inconvenience, can i make a new character and start over? lol. + +Also, i notice i ramble a lot. my thoughts are always like this & they never really make sense. its even worse when i talk irl & i'm actually probably the most awkward thing on this planet. It's gotten a bit worse over the years, & i think my brain kinda has lagged out on me. idk. Sorry about that. anyways, hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!",Bipolar +45893,"Can’t. Sleep. I have been sleeping too much and then too little for about two weeks now. I’m not sure how I will feel in the morning, after I inevitably get at least a couple hours of rest. I think this time change blows. I don’t want to work tomorrow. I am so uncomfortable in bed at the moment, my body just hurts. My body itself cannot rest itself. It’s pathetic, all I have to do to “work” is get on my computer, which is right next to me, because I work from home. I don’t even want to do that. I am far more active at night, always have been. I just don’t want to be up in the morning and work. My job is getting worse and worse. Well... back to the original post, I just can’t sleep and it’s pretty annoying. ",Bipolar +50325,If I tell my therapist in an online session that I have a plan and am thinking of acting on it this weekend will they send ems or the police to my house? I’m in a really low place right now and I want to talk to my therapist about this without getting sent for a grippy socks stay. I’m really worried that I’ll end up in this horrible psych hospital again and to be honest I would rather be dead than go back there. How can I bring this up with them without it being possible I end up sectioned?,Bipolar +46177,"Mental/emotional pain What do you do when you feel a lot of mental/emotional pain? I'm talking about something different than depression, just talking about overall mental or psychological suffering, like having too much anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. It's an almost indescribable type of anguish for me. I feel this way sometimes and don't know how to overcome it.",Bipolar +46465,"BP2 but only suffer depression these days I was diagnosed BP2 a few years ago, and whilst I don’t doubt my diagnosis, I only suffer depressive episodes these days, no hypomanic ones. I’m not on any medication for this (with my doctors blessing). + +I stick to a sleep routine and rarely have insomnia these days. Is this why I’m never hypomanic? + +It’s not that I want to be - although I’ve found hypomania can be beneficial for me (confidence, ease of talking to others), there’s no guarantee it will be a positive turn, and can completely destroy my world. I’m just curious as to why I only deal with (a lot of) depression since being diagnosed. + +Anyone else similar?",Bipolar +45444,"If I grew up an attention-seeking class clown ... would that make me more or less likely to be BPD? I keep the idea of borderline personality disorder (BPD) in the back of my mind, just in case my bipolar keeps worsening. + +If that doesn’t make sense to you, then you know what I recently realized ... I have no idea how much BP and BPD truly differ **in the details.** + +I keep seeing BPD as a variation of bipolar ... maybe the “bipolar type 3” or something. But, it’s understandable. I live in the world of bipolar, and still haven’t gotten my meds right. + +So, I am one of those that sees bipolar in everyone ... even someone that coughs wrong. + +*kidding haha* + +So, here are my 2 best possibilities I thought of: + +(1) How can we truly tell if BPD is just bipolar with more dysphoric mania? + +(2) Or, how can we tell if it’s BPD or just strong attention-seeking ADHD and bipolar, especially since ADHD is a common comorbidity to accompany bipolar? + +I have a bunch of other ideas, but I want to chat with people I comment, if anyone is free? + +I read different parts in DSM-5 ... but, like many of you, I kind of felt an overcomplication to create enough various “symptoms,” using different language, but still being the same? That’s a weird subject I’m still trying to learn and figure out. ",Bipolar +46458,"Going off abilify... akathisia gets worse? Hi, I'm currently tapering off 5mg abilify (I was only on it for 2 months) because of the horrible akathisia. Ever since I started tapering, it's gotten worse. + +I read that the akathisia usually gets worse during withdrawals before it disappears. + +My psych prescribed geodon to taper onto while I'm going thru these withdrawals, as he said it has a much lower incidence of akathisia. + +Is this all gonna be ok? Should I just tough it out?",Bipolar +49878,"I can’t find a med combo that works *for me* I’ve tried a good amount of available meds (lithium, Depakote, olanzapine, Seroquel, Abilify, Rexulti, Latuda…). + +While some of them “work” (ease depression, lessen psychosis, and prevent/lessen mania), they don’t work *for me*. + +The side-effects are too much for me to accept (weight gain, akathisia, and my least favourite, emotional blunting/stifling creativity). + +I’m schizoaffective bipolar subtype and realize I need meds to function, but sometimes it feels like a losing battle to find a combo that works — *for me*. + +I’m on 750mg of lithium and 20mg olanzapine right now (because it “works”). + +Is it about accepting the downsides of meds and just living as stably as possible?",Bipolar +46536,"Afraid and unmotivated I am 1.5 months into college. I'm finding it really hard to push past my fear of failure and lack of motivation to get to class. I feel like I'm such a disappointment, especially to my partner who tries his best to encourage me to go to class. My family has been so supportive of me going back to school and all I want to do is stay home. + +It's not even that I don't like going to school - I actually love it. I like what I'm studying and I'm excited to see what I will do after graduating. However, I'm also scared that if I try hard I will find that my best isn't good enough. I'm scared that I'll never amount to anything, or that I can't handle ""normal"" life. It makes me want to just ditch everything and be a blob. At the same time, I know that I HAVE to earn money and whatnot, and that this new education will help me get to something stable. I'm just having a really hard time getting to classes (still doing the homework though). + +How do you find motivation or the strength to follow through?",Bipolar +49823,"I was wondering if you also find it impossible to make difficult decisions? I've been pondering the question of ""what's next"" for almost 2 years now, and I can't make the decision. The country where I now live was always a temporary destination but due to covid I was forced to stay longer than expected. Now I feel like I'm stuck here. It's been 4 years here, 2 years longer than anticipated, and I don't know what to do. Whatever choice I make, it's a big life choice that due to my financial situation locks me in to that choice for a few years. Simply said I don't trust my decisions. When I finally pin something down I ask myself ""is this decision made by a sane mind or am I in some state of either mania or depression"". But because it's so difficult to figure out I end up doing nothing. This has been going on for 2 years now and I'm not sure what to do. Do you have any experience with this, and how do you make big decisions? Is there a way to minimise the risks of a bad decision because of the disease?",Bipolar +50433,"Being the crazy lady I’m 61 now and was diagnosed bipolar 1 at 28. It’s quite severe, I get psychotic and inhabit a whole alternate reality. Despite taking meds religiously all these years, and trying so many different combos, I still average one manic episode per year and they can go on for months. The consequences of the episodes have been serious, especially when younger. I haven’t been able to hold a job and am on disability. + +Unlike many of you that I see here I am often not able to ‘catch’ myself, and once it’s at a certain point I lose all insight and am belligerent if people try to suggest I’m not ok. Last year I seemed to have a good year and felt more hopeful and optimistic than for some time. But that came crashing down when I was suddenly arrested and dragged off to hospital in the New Year (I’d done nothing criminal but I guess I must’ve been acting strange). + +One of the hardest things for me is the shame and humiliation for how I acted when manic while being adamant that there was nothing wrong with me. In retrospect I could have been seriously harmed or worse when I used to roam around the streets at night and do risky things. Nowadays I mostly just post obnoxious nonsense online and get myself banned or blocked. I’ve lost friends, like many of us. That irresistible desire to communicate seeks an outlet, you know? + +I just wondered if anyone could relate.",Bipolar +50205,"Please Help: Months long delusion of abuse from manic episode - is this normal? Hey all, + +I was recently diagnosed bipolar 1 but am sitting in the tattered remains of my life, wondering how I could have believed what I did. + +I first felt symptoms of mania and intense narcissism this summer (I’m 28 yrs old). I had recently gone through a breakup with my partner of 6 years, had fallen in love with my female best friend (first queer experience) and she did not reciprocate my feelings, and my workload had become incredibly overwhelming. + +I started losing weight and hair, had a stress rash on my body and was experiencing fluctuating feelings between paranoia to believing the universe was speaking to me directly. + +But theres a delusion I am struggling with the most, that has left me feeling horrid and unforgivable. I believed my wonderful boss of 3 years had emotionally abused me, and was the reason I was experiencing mania and psychosis. I believed this so hard I convinced myself and my therapist/psychiatrist I had PTSD, and that my boss and workplace were all to blame. I told so many people this was what happened to me, because I truly believed it. I blocked my boss on everything and didn’t talk to her for 6 months. + +This January I finally looked back at the texts that I thought “proved” I was abused, and found nothing but support and concern from a woman who never did anything but treat me with respect. + +How the hell does this happen? Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Honestly I’ve been feeling suicidal since the realization- I got fired from my job for other mistakes I made while manic, but I don’t know how to tell I everyone I talked to that what I believed for the last 6 months was a total lie. + +Please help 😣",Bipolar +49721,"When u guys are stable, how 'stable' is that? Since I started taking meds(2year ago) this last six months is where I consider myself truly stable, but I still get sometimes some ups and downs that I feel isnt 'normal' if u know what I mean so and sometimes I'm self aware of intrusive thoughts and I try to reason with myself somehow but my mood still is affected by it + + Reading some stories shared here I started to wonder what 'stable' mean for each individual and how often do you feel stable but you think ""Am I really?"" + +I think every person with bipolar eventually will ask questions about what is part of their personality and what is the disease for lack of better word and I often think about the past and wonder ""was it that truly myself? how bad I felt, how good, when I was depressed, when I felt awesome and thought I could have accomplished big things, when I felt that I didnt fit anywhere and nothing was worthing pursuing... thelist goes on + +Share your thoughts with me people",Bipolar +46756,"Delusion or just incredibly elevated anxiety? Hi everybody. Last year I was diagnosed as type 2 because I haven’t experienced what I considered to be full blown mania—only hypo, and I’m extremely prone to severe depressed “lows.” + +However, I’ve been wondering a lot lately whether or not I’m just experiencing an intense level of anxiety/insecurity or if this crosses into the area of what would be considered a delusion. I haven’t had any of the more obvious signs of delusions that I’ve read about on here (i.e. thinking I’m God or somebody else or an informant, etc.), but I most definitely feel all the time like I can tell 95-100% exactly what people are thinking about me to the point that it hinders me from functioning in many instances. For example, I will literally coup myself up in my room for days/weeks because I feel like I absolutely know exactly what my roommates or friends/family/professors are thinking of me in these high and low emotional states and I don’t want to even confront them for this reason. I’ve even accused my mom of basically “thinking her thoughts” too loud at me or even lashing out when I think she’s judging me or thinking something extremely negative. She’ll obviously say things like I’m assuming way too much and I have no clue what I’m talking about and I still don’t believe her. + +I know logically when I think about this that it’s ridiculous but part of me also lets it affect me to the point that I will hide myself or freak out about it. The fact that I’m partially able to understand that this obviously isn’t the true case is what dissuades me from calling it a delusion, but it’s also so strong of a fear and “observation” that it makes me wonder. What do you think? Has anybody else experienced anything this? ",Bipolar +49813,"How To Help a Manic Episode What are some good tips for calming/helping a manic episode? The episode started by overdoing illicit substances but now is full blown manic even tho the substances have stopped being consumed. The episode has been going on for over a month and some of the symptoms include: + +*very talkative +*poor memory +*making impulsive decisions +*over sexualization of self +*violent +*scatter brained +*stealing + +Will the episode ever calm down and is there a way to calm it down/go back to normal? Besides professionals doctors, what can I do in the mean time?",Bipolar +49623,"Do you guys ever get stuck in “quiet mode” I’ve noticed in moments of high emotional stress I start to become unable to speak, words are flowing through my head and I feel stuck and just can’t get myself to open my mouth to speak, sometimes I am just like that until I’m able to force myself to speak again, but I’ve noticed it’s been getting really bad recently in my current relationship and I’m looking to see if this is a common problem for bipolar or if it’s something else causing it",Bipolar +45676,"The Calm After the Storm A year and a half ago I had a long pyschotic episode followed by a BP diagnosis and several months of depression. I had to take a year off of college but I’ve now been back at school for almost a year. With everything that’s happened— the medications, the extreme emotion levels, the social isolation for an extended time— I’ve found myself at an interesting place. +Anyone else find themselves constantly having to maneuver through conversation just to avoid a long, intense topic about your past? Specifically related to your bipolar? + +-CH",Bipolar +45459,"Is being forgetful part of having Bipolar? I've noticed even before I was diagnosed that I tend to forget memories a lot. I don't remember much of my childhood to teenage years except significant ones. I forget what happens to movies I just watched. If I ever get asked if I watched something and I'll say yes, it doesn't really look like it because I have nothing to contribute to the discussion. That's how I kind of realized I have poor memory. + +I'm not talking about forgetting things I need to bring but really actual memories. + +Do I forget them because they just don't matter that much? It's something that I assumed just part of growing up but I'm not so sure if this is 'normal' or not. Do you have this experience too?",Bipolar +46044,"Accepting bipolar and getting medicated First time posting here. Actually, I made a post earlier and deleted it because it was long. I am diagnosed BP1 (mixed episodes, rapid cycling), PTSD and ADHD. The meds I took only made things worse so I stopped. I've been fighting symptoms unmedicated due to subconscious fear and denial. + +I had a psychotic episode last week that lasted a few days. At one point I recognized my delusions for what they were but the feelings didn't leave. I even had the presence of mind mind to mention inpatient. But I was too scared. So instead of taking it out on my husband verbally, I internalized. I have so much self loathing that I felt I deserved to be hurt. To die. I didn't deserve my family. But I couldn't abandon them either. I love them and they should have so much better than me. + +In the past month or two I stopped taking care of myself. I feel so stressed. I force myself to eat once every other day. I haven't been showering or grooming in a while. Fighting addiction. Not sleeping. Car keeps breaking and I can't keep up with bills. I hate myself but want to change. Would you go to the new appointments or consider inpatient at this point? I have gotten a new job and I desperately want to excel there. What should I tell them? + +I will get stable. I hope I never experience a psychotic episode again.",Bipolar +46202,"Being dragged into the upside-down Every fall i get dragged into the upside-down, that dark damn place from strangerthings . Im always stuck there till spring. I know that sounds like a gross exaggeration but its not as much of a strech as the normies would assume. I feel so alone and everything is darker. Even visually, i see more shadows than are really there. And the demi-gorgon is always just around the corner, not a real one but a metaphorical one that represents deep anxiety. + +- + +This year i promised myself i wouldnt let it happen again. I telling people i needed help but they didnt really seem to get it. I started asked for small accommodations in august but i didnt get any of what i needed till late December. Its too late now, im stuck in the upside-down for another season because people thinks i was just complaining about the winter blues. + +- + +The lithium really takes the edge off. I dont think ill have to spend next winter in the upside-down. I just wish i was taken seriously.",Bipolar +45952,"What to do? I'm on an upswing, and I think I'm way too high into the swing now. I got pretty much zero sleep yesterday and I've just been gogogo since yesterday morning. Like super intense in everybody else's faces passive aggressive get the f*ck outta my way on a freakin' mission. I feel like I'm going to explode at the first person who opposes me but I'm also super excited and happy about everything and I just have so many great awesome ideas on how to improve my business and diversify my market to I really am going to change my industry if I could only grasp and hold on to some of these ideas for more than a god damned second. But man they're going way too fast I cant even write them down but I can feel that they're great ideas! Everything is just speaking to me so clearly and everything makes sense now and everyone knows I have these great ideas and wants to hear them. + +But I know I'm manic and I know some of this is exaggerated but I don't know where that line is. I don't know if I want to know where that line is. Why should I stop? Why should I filter myself or slow myself down just for the rest of them? But I can hear it in my hubby's voice that I need to dial it back a bit at least. I don't know if I can though. I don't even remember what I was going to ask anymore so I don't know if anyone could make sense of this and figure it out and read between the lines but I feel like I have a deep connection with all of you so I think you guys know what I'm saying. I totally love you guys, like love love. Like I'm pretty sure I would be jumping all of you guys LOL. Cool beans, good talk. Have fun tip your waitress",Bipolar +46579,"Coming off of Lamactil, which was honestly lovely save for some severe (but not SJS) skin reactions... I'm in hell, and Pdoc wants me to start Seroquel but I don't wanna. Bleh. + +I was on 200mg of Lamactil for 4 months. I had some of my very best days ever in those 4 months, emotionally speaking, but I had some ugly blisters, and a mouth full of ulcers, that I/we eventually decided were due to a reaction to Lamactil. + +SO i've been doing a fast taper, 50% lower a week, I'll be done with the taper next weekend... + +This morning had an emergency appointment witht the pdoc because the depression lows were getting worse than they had been since before starting Lamactil... + +So, she wants me on a fast taper up to 300mg of Seroquel. The side effects terrify me, I'm already obese, being lethargic and gaining wait, along with all the other pretty common side effects... + +I mean I know I'll probably feel better, maybe, but at a cost I'm not entirely sure I can bare. + +My other option is to use copious amounts of marijuana, which she is like, 50/50 on. She wasn't into marijuana before we had a legal program, and now she's relenting a bit... + +I have my medical card, but I'm actually totally sold on the idea. + +Funny thing, i've gone and and off with pot since my 20s, but have mostly given it up the 6 months before we had a medical program. + +Just ranting, but if anyone has anything to add that would be great.",Bipolar +49633,"Allergic to Lamictal I've been taking Lamictal for three years now. From the beginning it has been apparent that I am allergic to it. A very strange kind of reaction, my hands start to burn (inside my skin, if you touch my hands they are normal temperature), and then they start to itch. They burn and itch so much I end up putting them under water constantly. + +I started taking some antihistamines with it and I've been ok for three years. This med has changed my life, like entirely. It made me stable, able to hold a job, and so much more. I can't live without it. + +But recently, my hands started to itch again. Slowly. I take my antihistamine in the evening, I'm fine all day long the following day, and then in the evening it starts to itch again. My overall skin as well. + +I'm worried I will have to stop taking my Lamictal. It has been wonderful. No side effects whatsoever. If I stop taking it, I won't take any other medication because I don't want to gain weight, or hurt my kidneys. + +Have any of you gone through something similar? With allergies? I talked to a pharmacist when I started doing this and they told me I couldn't become resistant to antihistamines. I'm starting to doubt this...",Bipolar +47045,"Does anyone experience rage regarding silly things? I’ve spoken in detail about feeling angry to my therapist and find that I have no idea how to express anger which leads me into the rages about things that piss me off. The issue for me is I don’t express my anger outwardly, I’m just boiling inside. Like raging so much I feel like I could rip through a wall and it takes me sometimes days to pass and an ungodly amount of energy to expel the feelings. Does anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +49504,,Bipolar +45797,"I'm an idiot, and I am pretty sure I've become a burden Long story short at the beginning of this year I went inpatient (I didn't know I was bipolar) because I wanted to kill myself. Over the course of the past two months, I have been forced to resign from my work. I wasn't stable and did not have enough FMLA time. I broke it off with my boyfriend (I realized after four years he was mildly emotionally abusive) and I am currently cat sitting for a friend, but I have been here since mid-January. +I feel like I have way overstayed my welcome here. I was going to go a couple of hours back to my original city and stay with a friend. I think I got confused and she got upset and felt her boundaries were broken about me staying too much. I feel like an asshole. I feel like I probably just lost a friend and I didn't mean to overstep. I let her know I meant no harm and I thanked her for her help and wished her a good night. I hate this illness. +I am going to be flying out to my brother's on the 12th to be with his family that isn't triggering, stabilize, and get ready to come back and move in with my best friend once I find work. I have a couple of friends I am staying with a couple of days before I fly out, but for that first two days, I think I will just sleep in my car. I feel like a complete loser. I feel worthless. I don't want people to think I am using them. I'd rather curl up in my car than lose my friends. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to be dead.",Bipolar +46846,"(Trigger warning) Am I in a mixed episode? I feel like I want to jump out of my own skin, like I want to rip off my limbs. Like everything inside me is wrong - all my bones ache as if they don't fit inside my body, like they want to burst out. Like I want to explode. It's a kind of intense restless agitation to which nothing brings relief. Sometimes I go for a run or bike ride to try calm myself down, but it doesn't have a big effect, and often I end up overexerting myself and get hurt. What appeals to me most in this state is the thought of hurting myself or not living or losing myself in drugs. It's very hard to keep myself from self-harming. I've been in this state for so long and I don't know how much more I can take. In the past I've described it as 'restlessness', because I don't know how else to describe it. But it's clear to me that it's much more than that. + +Is this a mixed episode? I've been like this for so long... Sometimes they'll last for one day, sometimes days, sometimes weeks or maybe even months. I'll then have a brief period of respite before returning to the state I've described above. While in this state I can often get into a kind of semi-mania and get things done which I never thought I could - read books, make art, play music, write essays - but always with this horrible exploding depressive restlessness underneath. And it's extremely hard to motivate myself to do anything. But if I curl up in bed or try to calm down with a film or music, my heart begins to pound and shake my entire body, and the restlessness just gets worse and worse and I want to die. + +I've tried lots of times to search on the internet for this kind of feeling, but I've never found anything. +However reading this sub today, I'm struck by how people seem to have had similar sensations. I really didn't think I was Bipolar, because I don't think I have contrasting periods of 'highs' and 'lows'. I might be in a relative 'low', but there will always be the potential for a relative 'high' to emerge quickly out of this low. And vice versa. It's as if everything is there at once, as if I'm in a low and a high at the same time. Always fluctuating, but always wrong. It's awful. It has really impacted all aspects of my life. I've withdrawn from society and do not keep contact with anyone, and when I do meet people they are scared or unnerved by how bizarre my behaviour is. + +I know it's unwise to seek opinions on the internet, but at this point in time I have no friends who I can talk to about this, and I don't have the money to see a doctor or psychologist. +If a redditor or two could give their thoughts on my state, it might help point me in the right direction. +Thank you. + + +",Bipolar +50128,"Started new meds +So I haven’t had much luck with mood stabilizing meds. I started another new one a few days ago, Tegretol. I’m just wondering if anyone has been on it before and how it worked for them?",Bipolar +46520,"Does anyone else have difficulty accepting your diagnosis when hypomanic or manic? I am a 30 year old psychiatric RN, I was first diagnosed with bipolar I when I was 23 years old. In retrospect I may have had 1-2 manic episodes before then- I was medicated a short time, felt better and then I talked myself out of my diagnosis. I would tell myself that I was just stressed and unhappy with my life so I was essentially just rebelling. It wasn't until what I believe to be my 3rd or 4th spring/summer manic episode that I sought treatment because I could see the cycle. +Context: My first episode I had been married for 5 years (got married to a man in the army when I was 18), I had two children who were 3 and 5 at the time. A lot had changed, I was going to nursing school which was terribly stressful, I was drinking a lot and smoking a lot of pot. My husband was lazy as fuck and would lay around all day and expect me to come home from a day of school and work and do all the shit around the house. Anyway, I began to say things to him like ""you're not my father"", ""I'll do what I want, I'm an adult"", ""If I want to go out with my friends I will"".... Which are things I had never said to him before... but I started to feel like my life wasn't enough and I needed more. So I started with the sexual symptoms, I was reaching out to plenty of people, men, women... everyone, my boss, his son... and I started doing really shitty things. One time I told my husband I was leaving to pick up a friend and I ended up going to a party and getting fucked up and never came home that night... and I had a lot of nights where I drank in excess and can't recall the events... Needless to say, by the end of the summer I had looked my husband in the face and told him without any feelings whatsoever that I did not love him anymore and I was moving out. He was DEVASTATED and I didn't care. I took my two kids and moved into an apartment. He would say things like, HOW do you not care? It wasn't until I came down from that episode that I realized how fucked up my choices were and actually cried about my massive life change. + +Episode 2: I had remarried by then, I had just had the second child with my new husband. I was terribly stressed with work and kids and I felt like my husband and I were on two separate pages and I began to resent him. He was controlling and possessive and I began to say the same things ""You're not my dad"" ""don't tell me what to do"" ""im a professional, I go to work, I make good money, don't restrict my life"".... and I began to get sexual and unfortunately I was working in juvenile corrections at the time and I was a woman amongst a whole lot of men.... So as you can imagine that ended badly... so my husband caught me in some bad predicaments and I ended up telling him I didn't love him and I was moving out and done. I took my kids and rented a house down by the lake in September. By Christmas I had realized I fucked up and my husband was more than willing to take me back and work on things so I moved back home. + +Episode 3: Husband and I had been working on our marriage, I was being really restricted at this point because he couldn't trust me... I was still kind of denying my diagnosis so I never brought that up to him and he just thought I was a terrible, no good, lying, cheating person... so he kept very good tabs on me and asked me a lot of fucking questions and it got old really fast... so some summer time.... I began feeling great, increased sexual drive, defiant and making the same statements. was drinking every day, smoking an eighth of weed every day, rolling blunts on my way to work and smoking before during and after work to get by... it was terrible looking back on it.. I had many nights where I didn't go home, I would stay with friends or ""sleep"" in my car... I had about 4 police contacts that summer, I could have easily ended up with 2 DWIs, I did have a harassment charge for punching someone, and I had 2 welfare checks because people were so worried about my erratic behavior. I had friends and family expressing their concern for me but once again I thought everyone else was crazy and needed to leave me alone because I was successful, made it to work, work performance was ok, and I still took care of my kids when it was my day to do so. My husband grew tired of my behavior quickly, obviously... so we were talking about splitting up again...I fell so hard from this one... I ended up being caught with a belt around my neck in the garage after calling my ex to come pick up my older two kids- the other two weren't home. That's why I decided I needed treatment... + +I fell from the last episode in October, 2018. It's now February and I usually start to trend up in the spring and I am anticipating it. I have trended my timeline and disease symptoms... I have red flags in place with my loved ones. One of them is wanting to drink... I haven't drank since September- and I know when I start to want to drink is not a good sign... but anyway, ive been thinking about drinking.... and I haven't said anything to anyone because I guess I am trying to convince myself that I can.. +I'm also starting to resent my husband again... he's controlling and manipulative and I don't think he understands my illness and he holds things against me... during my manic episodes everything is spinning out of control so fast that I can recall certain events but to put a timeline I really cant... like I know I did something but I don't know where it fits in and some minute details, that's hard for him to accept. he thinks im withholding information from him or lying.. and I can only tell him the same thing so many times before it's just maddening to me... +I'm currently on a med regime and it's hard for me to accept the amount of chemicals I put into myself every day. I take Wellbutrin, Depakote (needs to be increased I assume), buspar, Vyvanse, and atarax. +OK, back to the original question, am I the only one who tries to convince themselves that they're misdiagnosed? EVEN THOUGH I know that I am capable of ruining my entire life and everything I've worked so hard for, I'm intelligent, I work in the psych field and I am still trying to talk myself out of having to deal with this bullshit forever!! +",Bipolar +49606,Bipolar Disorder And Sex I’ve finally been on medicine that works really well like I’ve had no manic modes or depression that I can tell. My only issue right now is that my brain focuses on other things and I want sex all the time. I really don’t know what to do about that. Masturbation seems to not work for me anymore at least not unless it’s in conjunction with my wife. She seems very one and done with sex where I can go longer and more. It doesn’t help that we only have sex or do something sexual once a week or less. So I am just not sure how to fix that or what to do to stop all these sexual needs that it feels like I have a lot.,Bipolar +50135,"Worst Mania I've Ever Had Hi I'm 24 years old and I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. After 3 years of good management, therapy, and constant support I find myself in the worst mania I've ever had. As some background, I'm a 3rd year nursing student and I have a lot of past repressed trauma. In the previous weeks I've been so stressed and I've been dealing with all the trauma I repressed in order to get to a better place in life. It obviously had the opposite effect. I've spent so much money for useless shit, said things to my friends and family that I obviously don't mean, and I feel like I'm wired. I want this to end, and I just want to make it stop. Please help.",Bipolar +46957,"F*ck me I just got diagnosed with bipolar I don’t believe it, I’m still in denial. Why should I even know this??? No one has told me about it, I just saw it on my discharge papers. Is it true?? Is this real??",Bipolar +50580,"i cant stop smoking. weed man. i dont get withdrawals when i stop or anything i just struggle so bad with controlling it. i promised myself i’d take this week off of smoking and from here on out at least taking 2 days off a week, but i’ve already smoked 3 times this week. it’s the only fucking thing that keeps my moods under control when im home as my family is extremely toxic. i don’t want this to turn into my old habits. :(",Bipolar +46558,"9 Months after psych referral, still no diagnosis I've been seeing a psychiatrist since last May in the hopes of getting a diagnosis for my frequent mood swings which seem like hypomania and severe depression. straight away she told me she doesn't work to a diagnosis, she works with symptoms, and to not expect a diagnosis anytime soon. at first i was upset and kept badgering her for a diagnosis, but as months went by i warmed to her and accepted it. + +nine months on, i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever getting diagnosed. i tried to bring it up to her recently, she said it's still too soon to tell and she wants to get a sense of the timescale of my mood swings by seeing me for longer. i've had a lot of really bad personal life dramas in the last six months, so it's hard for her to see whether my moods are a symptom of mental illness, or just a really normal reaction to the terrible things that have happened to me. she said i clearly have some issues with emotional regulation, but that it doesn't seem like classic bipolar. my GP also mentioned cyclothymia in the past but my psych didn't bring it up at all. i told her that i'm worried about getting a bpd diagnosis because of the stigma, and she understood, but i think that's still in the mix in terms of which things she's considering. in every other sense she's been so lovely and helpful, getting me on the right meds (lamotrigine, which has been a godsend), referring me for counselling, and referring me for a care coordinator so i can get some extra help in between our appointments. so i know she's not a quack, and i trust her completely. it's just hard to understand when i know other people who've gotten diagnosed in their first appointment. + +has anyone else waited this long??? it's getting frustrating when i'm trying to justify my illness for benefits claims and don't even know what to call it. ",Bipolar +46289,"Lithium and muscle pain? Hi all, + +I started lithium about ten days ago with 300 mg at evening. Then as ordered, increased it to 300 mg at morning and 300 at evening, bringing it to total of 600 mg. I increased the dose yesterday. + +Since yesterday I have had a quite bad muscle pain in my lower back. It is seriously distracting and affects my daily function. I feel drained in other muscles but the pain is bad. + +As far as I know I shouldn't even be in the therapeutic range yet. I have blood tests scheluded for 2 weeks from now on but I think I can't handle this. + +Is it normal to have this amount of pain so early?",Bipolar +50435,,Bipolar +45654,Need a bipolar friend Edit: thanks for all the kind words and support guys,Bipolar +45967,"Any experiences of how long my insomnia will last from stopping Seroquel? I am now on the lowest possible dose of 25mg. I'm finding it really hard to stop though. I don't seem to be getting any other withdrawals apart from insomnia. It's relentless and I'll just not sleep a single minute. After a couple of nights I end of caving in and taking my seroquel. + +Does anyone have any experience of how long the insomnia lasts or any advice? ",Bipolar +50053,"Recently Diagnosed Hey, everyone. I recently received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (way back in September). Even with this, I was in denial, but now I'm accepting that I need to take the lamotrigine perscribed to me. It's all new and scary. I still don't know which one I have, so I will ask in my follow-up. But I'm ready to tackle this issue I've been dealing with for years. Sometimes I still doubt myself and think that it's normal depression. Is this common to feel that way? I'm in my head a lot, get distracted easy when I know I have a job to get done, and cry easily when upset or get triggered fairly quickly even when I promise myself to hold it together. I'm also wondering how the pills will make me feel. If anyone can give me insight on how their treatment has been working for them, that would help me not feel so lonely. Thanks in advance. 🙂",Bipolar +46182,"Things don’t feel quite real. I sometimes get into these “fogs” of feeling like my life isn’t mine or that it’s all not real. I have a cold and my partner just handed me Nyquil to take before bed, it felt like the pills crumbled or disintegrated in my hands for a split second, I’ve seen/felt this before in the car when I look at building or the road sometimes for a split second it looks like the buildings or the the world around me crumbles/disintegrates kind of like the movie Inception if that make sense. I’ve been in a mixed episode for almost 5 months and keep get snip bits of this feeling. Last year my sister in law essentially took my personal experiences having Bipolar and claiming it as their own experience (observed from their many behaviors this person shows symptoms of BPD and factitious disorder) this kind of fucked with my head a bit. I am someone who constantly tries to make themselves feel guilty, I obsess, and try to convince myself my problems aren’t as bad as they seem because I don’t want to come off as pretentious or as a victim; recently I shared with extended in laws that I have bipolar in the context of the conversation we were having, one of them was a social worker and I had a lovely conservation with her about it that made me feel open and comfortable. However in sharing this I feel like I am coming off as though I’m victimizing myself or trying to gain sympathy(even though that wasn’t my intention). This is making me feel like my experiences aren’t real and that I’m just pretending to even though I know what my life has been from my memories; but I keep questioning if they are real? I keep questioning if anything is real. And I’m kind of terrified. It isn’t that extreme but maybe it will get worse I don’t know I’m very confused... anyone ever experience this?",Bipolar +47022,"What are you good at? I was just thinking today as I work on a painting and deal with soul sucking depression that I AM extremely talented. I’ve gotten full ride scholarships for Art school, I have won state awards, I don’t think I’ve ever not gotten into a juried show, I rule. I know how easy it is to get caught up in your negative qualities (especially with mental illness) but what are your strengths?",Bipolar +45875,"Quick question: should I take my seroquel now or not? My daughter went to sleep really early and I'm afraid she might wake up after I've taken my seroquel already. It takes about an hour to work. I've never tried to stay awake after I've taken it so i don't know what to expect if I did. Would i hallucinate? + +And if I did skip it tonight is there a chance I could withdrawal tomorrow? + +Thank you in advance!",Bipolar +46588,"Medication help I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 when I was 15. I spent a lot of time in and out of inpatient psych and on a lot of meds. I had some success with Valproic acid but came off of it when I moved across the country about 2 years ago. I have yet to track down a psychiatrist because wait lists are long but after a really crippling few months of depression that cost me my job, I went on 350mg of Wellbutrin XL. I have had really good luck with the Wellbutrin helping my depression, I don’t tolerate ssri’s at all. For about the past 6 weeks I’ve been feeling like I’m manic and it’s getting really hard to deal with now. I feel really impulsive and self destructive and I need help but I don’t know where to get it. Should I go to a walk in clinic? Is there anything I can even go on without having to stop taking Wellbutrin because that has been the only thing that has ever helped the depression. I’m not sure where to go or who to ask for help. Thanks in advance. ",Bipolar +45642,"I’m falling deep into this hole.. After what I believe has been a 9 month of having an elevated mood... I’m crashing so hard right now. I haven’t smoked in 7 years and here I am, smoking again. I have no will to keep going. I can’t stop all this destructive behavior. I want to OD so bad. I want to die. I want to sleep and not wake up. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to have a point. There’s no rhyme or reason in this life and I just want it to all stop.. I can’t keep having this happen. Even when I’m hypomanic, I still hate myself when I realize how crazy I was being... my husband just sees it as me going through an episode again... just shrugs his shoulders and tells me it will get better. It’s never going to get better. I’m going to keep cycling through this shit all my life. Up and down and up and down. Fuck. ",Bipolar +46897,"my medicine regimen. 1500mg lithium +100mg anafranil +20mg abilfy +1800mg gabapentin +45mg buspar +.8mg clonodine + +taken daily. i feel kind of normal but keep being told i’m over medicated. GAD, OCD, rapid-cycling BIP. + +feedback?",Bipolar +50383,"Spring time and mood changes Diagnosed bipolar 1. +I never realized how the seasons really effect my mood . But spring time always seems to bring a change in me . These past two weeks have been rough especially with the time change. But for the first time I’ve realized myself becoming manic. Luckily it didn’t get to that point . But it could of . Anyone else going through it during the change of seasons ? +And what do you do to cope ?",Bipolar +49722,"Existing is so hard I don’t even have it bad (except for mental illness obviously) yet being awake is so fucking stressful. I have a supportive family, a great boyfriend, good friends, etc but I still want to be d3ad. Im on Wellbutrin, buspar, Vraylar and klonopin AND IM STILL DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS AND EMOTIONAL. I get they aren’t a cure all and I’d be much worse off meds, but what’s the point if I still can’t function in life?? I can’t work a normal job but I keep getting turned down for disability even though I over qualify. I fucking need money to live a life I don’t even want and I can’t get it. I’m about to explode",Bipolar +46099,"Do you ever experience this ? Sometimes i just want to rip my skin off. I feel like i'm trapped in body and i'm having an anger breakdown and i want to escape my body, it's horrible. I feel like i have so many problems that i just want to tear everything down. Do you ever experience that kind of feeling, like you're overwhelmed with anger and you just want to rip your skin off, and when it happens to me, i usually end up on the floor crying.",Bipolar +49585,"How do I stop obsessing over someone, it’s Getting bad I dated a girl 5 months ago for only 5 dates but things got really intense then she left me for someone else. I’m so desperately trying to let it go cuz it be best for both of us, but when I fall for someone it’s not something I can let go as much as I try. I have a full and enriching life, I’ve been really trying to dive into my activities full ass but as soon as I have a second to myself I spiral. + +I keep texting her late at night basically crying to her how much I miss her and how much she meant to me. I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked me or told me to get over it cuz at this point I hate to say it I’m getting to the point I’m obsessive. I don’t stalk her at all, I just think about her all day and I can hardly focus at work. + +I don’t really drink but I’ve been drinking alone at night, I think about relapsing on drugs cuz I just don’t want to feel anymore but fucking fentanyl in my DOC ruins it. + +I have abandonment issues but no amount of meds, progres in life, friends or therapy has helped, only when I date someone I feel whole and I think if someone stuck around I could realize not everyone’s gonna leave me in 2 seconds but I have yet to have any evidence it’s not like that. + +Pls help, I feel pathetic, I’m just hurting so bad. I’ve had some really bad shit happen in my life but I’d endure any of that if somehow that would get her back",Bipolar +50501,"Need support lol Okay so I was a freshman in college this year, and I made it until about a month ago before I had to withdraw since my mental health was awful (drinking myself to sleep every night, going out alone at 2am, not being able to get up and go to class, stuff like that). I miss my friends so much but I do feel better now that I’m home and don’t have to stress about financial stuff things (i worked as much as I could but got burnt out from doing work and school at the same time as pathetic as that sounds, I just couldn’t afford my meds for a while). + +I don’t know what I’m talking about and I’m sorry but I think I’m manic right now, I’m so tired and took a lot of sleep stuff but it’s not working I feel like I can run a marathon LMAO. I also managed to convince myself again that no one loves me and that I’m an awful person but honestly? I don’t think I’ve really done anything that bad 😭 my mind is just racing and I feel like I’m gonna freak myself out into having a panic attack 😚 + +I’m sorry if this is annoying I feel so annoying",Bipolar +50432,"I don't know how to be present in the moment and time slips away I feel restless from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed, i am an artist for a living and i use to enjoy making art. Let alone self care like long showers and making a nice meal. Everything feels rushed, like time is running out. I'm never fully present when doing things and i always find my mind wandering and not focusing on the task at hand. Mentally i'm scattered with just about everything and executive function is non existent. I want my life back and I want to feel like I have time. Even if I tell myself I have time I can't just sit down and have my mind stop too. My mind never stops even if my body can't keep going",Bipolar +46609,"Seroquel 100mg still getting anger flashes Pretty much I'm severely depressed, and have severe anxiety and I cant really control my emotions. For my medication it says take up to four tablets (each one is 25mg) based on mood, my mood definitely tells me to take four lol, I didnt know I was severely depressed til I told the doctor my symptoms I always thought I was funny and quite happy but a dark sense of humor. I also find it kinda hard to carry on a conversation with someone I dont know, and making eye contact is a bitch for me (makes me insecure and nervous but no disorders like down syndrome or ADD), Just in general I'm not coping with life that well, my last post I was coming off Lamotrigine which didnt seem to hell either. I also found my habit of smoking pot coming back rather strong actually, as of now I know I'm addicted to marijuana (sounds retarded I know) + +Anyway I'm taking 100mgs and still getting angry quite a bit, I feel kinda numb sometimes like i cannot get angry or really think, when I get angry I yell, throw shit, smash shit, think about suicide, and by the end of my fit I usually have bloody knuckles and borderline pulp of knuckles. What usually calms me down is just punching shit super hard til I realizemy body is in pain, or if my dog has the balls to come up too me and chill me out (I dont physically harm anyone or anything). What makes everything worse is that I have a new born so I cant really explode unless i go and smash the old fridge we have in the garage, if I dont do that I look for something's I misplaced ruthlessly ripping apart my whole room and everywhere I might think I left it (memory is shit now too) I also pace back and forth like a mofo aggressively, that doesnt seem to help only makes me think what else I can destroy. Any way thanks for listening to my crazy head and any advice on medications would be appreciated and any advice would be amazing, TIA",Bipolar +49659,Klonapin? Anyone prescribed kpins daily long term for anxiety with bipolar? I’m not super convinced psychs like to prescribe benzos long term for daily use but I’m taking it along w lamictal and Seroquel rn and the klonapin is really helping slow my mind and help me function. I’m afraid my psych won’t let me be on it long term even if it’s working. Just wondering your experience??,Bipolar +50426,"Overwhelming sense of death I have this overwhelming sense that I'm going to die soon. It's not a fear, I just... like. This is it. This is where it ends. + + +I have no idea why but I cannot shake it. + + +Should add I also am starting to get the like.... weird staticy feeling I start to get when the psychosis symptoms start to play up",Bipolar +46444,"Goodbye Mania, Hello Migraines. I just had a period of mania that lasted for about a month. My meds were moved around a bit and now, I’m plummeting. I have a horrible migraine and I feel the depression washing over me. I feel uncoordinated and confused. +I’m not looking for a fix. I know I just need to ride it out like I always do. I just want a reminder that I’m not alone.",Bipolar +47020,"Lithium and mood stabilisation. Hey guys, I have been diagnosed with bipolar affectivw disorder and put on lithium, for 2 weeks no, i'm on 500mg and it pretty much has no effect, also on latuda(anti-psychotic, 1 month) 40mg and seroquel IR (3 months) 200mg (sleep). + + +It almost feels like my hypomania can't be stopped with this combo. +Wouldn't a significant amount of my dopamine be blocked at this point? +How can I be constantly hypomanic for 6 days and be on lithium, my friend tried 250mg and was FLOORED. +He said he felt extremely dedated and drunk, clurring his words etc and sleeping for like 12-14 hours, I'm lucky to get 7 hours sleep myself.. + + +I understand i'm tolerant to seroquel and probably getting used to latuda but this is rediculous, I've had serious arguments with rind, coworkers and family due to my expansive mindset and irritability/rages. (usually at retards at work, or stupid people in public, Iwould like to believe its justified, since theyre retards, but even that sound slike a hypomanic thing to say. + + +Anyway, send your xperiences to this space, I'm keen to get an idea of how other people xperience such combinations, especially the lithium side of things, thanks for taking the time to read this :)",Bipolar +46234,"Anyone here smoke to slowly kill themselves? Now for the past year I've been smoking cigarettes on and off (usually like 1 week on 2 or 3 weeks off) because I really enjoy it, I love everything about cigarettes. Now I'm thinking of just making the full commitment to becoming a smoker so I can slowly kill myself, because life is cool and all but I don't want to keep it going as long as I can, my hypomanic episode just ended and the reality of what my life is, is starting to sink in",Bipolar +49831,"High school and Bipolar Hi all, + +In gym class today, I was playing dodgeball and the girl (that I don't like for many reasons) was in the corner not really doing anything and I screamed at her. Completely unprovoked. Usually, I'm a super chill person and avoid confrontation at all costs but I was literally in like a dream-like state where I thought I was having a dream and that I could do anything I wanted without any repercussions. This has happened before when I thought I was asleep and I could do anything I wanted and I am also diagnosed with Bipolar I. Looking back I do regret it because this is going to be a fucking headache for me and I'm so scared that I'm gonna do something that then gets put on my record because that would make it harder for colleges and also because I am being scouted to go to schools for my sport. So can anyone tell me if colleges, specifically recruitment scouts, care about records and mental illnesses that are so active as Bipolar I?",Bipolar +45982,"Never-ending Guilt Trip I place the blame on myself for so much in my life. At work, at home, in my relationships...even when my dog is being a buttcheek I wonder what I did wrong to make him act like a brat. Recently I confronted my ex about something he did that made me uncomfortable and upset and I think maybe he hates me now. So of course I'm in this downward spiral of ""Wow, I ruined everything, like always"" but mixed with ""I shouldn't have said anything, what did I gain from this?"" + +All I can feel now is this giant weight of guilt pressing on me and I'm not sure what it will lead to...hopefully trying to open up more to other friends will help. + +Please tell me someone here can relate. ",Bipolar +45614,"Employer prying I have told my new job that I have a chronic health condition, but it is under control with medication and specialists. The manager/owner is REALLY pushing trying to find out what it is. I know legally I do not have to disclose, but this is starting to get uncomfortable. How can I politely and professionally get this to stop? Note there isn’t really an option for HR to step in.",Bipolar +45919,"Is this bipolar? Im 30 y/o and i just went to a psychiatrist for the first time. I have been wanting to go for years but felt like ive never had the time. There has been a lot of drastic change in my life for the past few years, most of it for the better i think, but lately its just getting harder to deal with all the emotions at once. What prompted me to finally make the appointment was that i had 3 one night stands in one week. Whenever i tell a friend this it seems like im bragging, they say they dont see the problem. But the problem is i didnt feel like i could control my urges and i actually got seriously physically hurt because of it. I actually forgot to mention this episode to the doctor during the session. Still, she prescribed me 25mg of Zoloft which im starting next week... i did some research and i think i may be mildly bipolar. But is to possible to get to 30 before needing to be diagnosed? + +Im starting medication next week. Not sure what to expect. ",Bipolar +46635,"Hitting low I've had some really low lows, and I think I'm headed for another one. It hit me so suddenly yesterday. I have an extremely long Self harm history, and when my best friend released a new album with a self harm tw I got really scared and felt so small and vulnerable. It's stuck like that since then. It reminded me of when I was hurting myself daily and my drug habit and I'm just so lost right now. I was just manic, how did this happen?",Bipolar +45691,"Abilify maintena not covered by insurance? Advice please. Hello. I am trying to help a friend who has issues with regularly taking pills and therefore never manages to take them long enough for them to start working. Remembers a few days here and there only. + +I found out about ability maintena but it’s very expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it. Have the most expensive “platinum coverage” health insurance plan here in California. + +Do your insurance providers cover it? Did you have to go through a special process to get it covered? + +Any advice would be greatly appreciated. + +He can’t afford $2000 per injection, but really needs a monthly treatment since daily pill use has failed for years. ",Bipolar +49741,"Possibly losing parenting rights due to bipolar disorder The most recent manic episode I had was after being depressed and diagnosed with major depressive disorder to be prescribed Zoloft. Within 6 weeks I was staying up for 9 days and delusional. I thought my partner was going to kill me so I called 911. The police arrived and I was very agitated and explained my delusions and they took me to the nearest psych ward for an evaluation. Unfortunately, that psych ward didn’t keep me long enough despite my volunteering to stay longer. They also gave me a medication I ended up allergic to which took treatment even longer. + +This resulted in asking my in-laws who live in a different state miles away to help me care for my daughter until I found the right medication combination and was stable. I knew it could take a few months and I had no one else available local to me. The only way my inlaws would take my daughter is if I signed over guardianship. I was under the impression it would only be for a year at the most. But honestly, I wasn’t really in the right mind to consent to that paperwork. I just knew I needed help and I did what I could to ensure my daughter had the best care possible while I got stable. + +Fast forward to now my partner and I petitioned the courts to end guardianship as I have been stable for 2 years. I have letters from my therapist and pdoc stating I am in treatment and stable and medication compliant. + +Well, my in-laws are trying to prove I am unfit for things I did while I was manic so they can adopt my daughter without my consent or permission through the courts. They're also trying to prove that my partner (their child) is unfit I am less worried about that. + +My therapist says they're on a witch hunt and that they're just trying to raddle me and no judge would grant them adoption. I hope she's right. + +I just wanted to share what I am going through because 1. support would be nice. and 2. if anyone else is going through this you aren't alone.",Bipolar +49620,"Money troubles Hey guys. I’m struggling financially atm big time. Last year I had to take over 4 months off and was in hospital for 3 months due to a very severe episode. I’ve returned to work since then but part time, and I can’t seem to catch up on the costs of living with my income. The craziest thing is that I’m a doctor (registrar- speciality training) and I still don’t make enough to live. My partner is supporting me as much as possible but he’s struggling too. I feel so ashamed and defeated. I can’t work more currently as I only just increased my hours and the stress and fatigue is full on right now. I have no parental support or other supports. After graduating med school I finally had financial freedom and was doing well. My relapse last year has cost me more than my health and it’s a real struggle to go back living week to week and paycheck to paycheck- I’ve been poor my entire life apart from when I first graduated. +Is anyone else in the same boat and if so how do you come to terms with it? The situation makes me feel like I’m a failure and I feel really embarrassed. Hope everyone is doing ok and thanks to this sub.",Bipolar +50170,"Rapid cycling/unwell while on meds Psych diagnosed me with cyclothmia (bordering on BP2) and I began treatment for it on Feb 1st. + +Started on Lithium 450mg + Mirtazapine 15mg at night. At first I was super drowsy in the morning and throughout the day, which lasted about 2 and 1/2 weeks. + +March 7th increased to 30mg mirtazapine + one Lithium 450mg nightly and one in the morning. + +Final weeks of February and the present I feel like the 'mania' symptoms are returning; with daily crashes where I feel an overwhelming sense of self-doubt and anxiety about the future. + +I guess I am just posting this to see how others have experienced these meds and whether its possible to continue to experience ongoing/reoccurring symptoms whilst still being medicated. + +Sidenote; I also have ADHD (previously medicated but not currently taking anything) and it took longer than normal to write this post so sorry in advance if it is too vague.",Bipolar +46850,"I miss my life before diagnosis Rationally I know that the BP 2 diagnosis is not what made everything fall apart. I know that the stuff going on with my body physically isn't caused by it. (Except for weight gain caused by the medication) I know that my friends didn't leave just because I ""suddenly went crazy"", I know I must have had symptoms before the big crisis, and I know that had things not gone the way they had I wouldn't have met my wonderful fiance. +But I miss my friends. I miss everything about the life I had made for myself. I miss being blissfully ignorant of just how bad my mental issues are. I miss just having 2 pills to take at night instead of 8 at night and 2 during the day. I miss being able to drink if I want to. I miss living without parental restrictions. I miss freedom, fun, friends, and everything that I used to have. +And I love my fiance, and I wouldn't trade him for any of that back because I know there's no guarantee I would have stayed happy. +I'm just so sad and hurt and angry that this happened, and that I hurt my friends bad enough that they don't want to talk to me but I can't even remember all the details because I was so completely disconnected from reality during that time.",Bipolar +46439,"Getting help is extremely hard. You’re all so brave and I’m proud of you! I work as a receptionist at a general practitioner’s office and any time someone comes in asking their options for mental health, they’re usually shaking and you can tell they’ve been crying. It ALWAYS reminds me of when I finally sought help after suffering for so long. I wish I could hug every one when they’re first getting help. I don’t because that’s weird, but I really want to. ",Bipolar +50072,"They told me I couldn’t stabilize without meds! And they were right. Here’s the deal…months of little to no sleep, have lost 60 pounds in an unhealthy way, can’t focus, mind racing, sometimes pleasant, often not. + +Don’t want weight gain. Triggers depression, more dangerous for me. + +Have tried Seroquel. Helped me sleep. Made me prediabetic cause it makes food so gawddamn delicious. Turned me into a zombie. + +Any suggestions for what to try? As the sober communities say, my life has become unmanageable.",Bipolar +50604,"When u guys are stable, how 'stable' is that? Since I started taking meds(2year ago) this last six months is where I consider myself truly stable, but I still get sometimes some ups and downs that I feel isnt 'normal' if u know what I mean so and sometimes I'm self aware of intrusive thoughts and I try to reason with myself somehow but my mood still is affected by it + + Reading some stories shared here I started to wonder what 'stable' mean for each individual and how often do you feel stable but you think ""Am I really?"" + +I think every person with bipolar eventually will ask questions about what is part of their personality and what is the disease for lack of better word and I often think about the past and wonder ""was it that truly myself? how bad I felt, how good, when I was depressed, when I felt awesome and thought I could have accomplished big things, when I felt that I didnt fit anywhere and nothing was worthing pursuing... thelist goes on + +Share your thoughts with me people",Bipolar +46659,"Small Victory Saturday 3.2.2019 Back by unpopular demand /s! + +&#x200B; + +This thread is dedicated to celebrating the little victories that other people might not appreciate and to remind ourselves that we truly are deserving of great love. Whether you made your bed or made a friend, this is the place to share! + +&#x200B; + +I've missed you folks.",Bipolar +45724,"I feel so hopeless 28/M, living with parents, no savings, Uber driver. + +Yes, it's years of bad decisions (largely brought on by bipolar disorder) that have led me to this point. Here's the thing, I *was* an aspiring comedian. Something got ""switched off"" about my personality 3 years ago and I don't think I can do it anymore. But I still have all the jokes I wrote, 6,500 of them. I'm working on editing it down to the best and am going to try to publish it. But... what if I'm completely fucking wasting my time? What if I get it completely polished to something I'm happy with, go leaps and bounds, the extra mile, whathaveyou... and don't sell a single copy? I'm so worried about my future. To boot, I don't have any friends and I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. I am pretty good-looking but feel so pathetic about my life, the no money, the broken character, the friendlessness. I'm fortunate to be a 6'2"" Caucasian male with a history of health and fitness, so now that I'm getting sober and focusing more on the gym, I have the plausibility to get really aesthetic. But that's about all I have going for me. + +I can't be a broke lonely loser my whole life. I will not. I will kill myself if I don't see results after a long enough period. I feel like the pain of the world would be so dulled *if just one person loved me* but I have no one. I put $20 in an online poker account and am hovering at $80, and I dream of being able to make thousands that way one day, to afford the life I want to live. At this point, I just want to buy a hooker because I haven't had sex or female attention in so long, I feel pathetic. I have even tried a couple times but it didn't work out. I'm so scared I won't find a way to make money. ",Bipolar +46529,"Does it ever get better? Been struggling to find a reason or meaning, or a light at the end of the tunnel. All the pills, therapies, counseling, doctors; can't seem to fix what's wrong with me. It all feels for nothing. I feel like I'm permanently broken, discarded, a former shell of a person. Times become irrelevant. I don't live life, I just exist. I wish I could fix me.",Bipolar +47075,"Quitting 5mg Zyprexa (Olanzapine) after 5 weeks. Advice would be appreciated! Hi guys, as the title states, I was prescribed 5mg of Olanzapine nightly since I was briefly institutionalized for a psychotic episode. I hate how it makes me feel, the constant mental sluggishness, the dry mouth, the fatigue, none of it is worthwhile for me. But at the same time, I've been looking around online for info on how to safely taper down and frankly I'm scared as fuck by what I've seen of the withdrawal effects. Has anyone else quit Olanzapine after a similar span of time? What was your experience, and how did you cope?",Bipolar +46967,"Bipolar & handling work What do you do for a living? +How do you manage your stress and triggers to avoid mania/depression? + +Have you ever had to leave a position because it had negative effects on your mental health?",Bipolar +46877,"What are your talents? I write, produce and sing songs :) i also do fake nails and shit. + +I'm scared abilify is gonna take away my creativity :(",Bipolar +46751,"New diagnosis, nervous about medication Was diagnosed with BP 1, but it must be the mildest ever, based on reading posts on here. I have been taking lexapro for three years, b/c previous therapists diagnosed anxiety disorder. So currently, i have a lot of mania, but very little depression. and the mania doesn't seem too extreme - my therapist thought it was BP 2 but the psych testing came back BP 1, which she agrees with now. I have thought I was the second coming on occasions, that's probably the most manic idea i've had. I have a good career, have always done well in the workplace. I am a mom and wife, and my family loves me. So I really hesitate to medicate. But I also wonder if I should keep taking Lexapro? My therapist said withdrawl from that is ugly, so she doesn't recommend it. But maybe it's been triggering my mania? I was also diagnosed with mixed personality disorder, mainly borderline with a heavy dose of narcissism. So naturally, I am very concerned with medication that could affect my skin (already went through struggles with acne while younger, not going to do that again) and also obsess about my weight. Anyone on a mood stabilizer that others haven't experienced acne or weight gain with? And no lithium for me, it's an unnecessary hit on my kidneys when I am pretty functional unmedicated.",Bipolar +50248,"Hello I feel like I’m going insane, nobody wants to see me or listen to me. I feel like crying myself to sleep, I don’t have any intention to harm or hurt myself but I just feel lonely. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe don’t know but I told my friend I wanted to hang out today and he said he was busy with homework which is understandable I guess. But, why do I feel like he’s going to avoid me forever? I’ve had so many people leave my life because of this stupid bipolar disorder they think I’m insane. I’m just mad at myself, I feel like this is going to be read as “Calm down, you’re overreacting.” But I feel like breaking down, today was supposed to be good I ate with my mom at a restaurant together but now I feel horrible.",Bipolar +49876,"Every time I’m manic I want to cheat on my boyfriend I’m currently manic and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like this almost every time I’m manic. It’s especially bad since I’ve caught him cheating on me (more than once) so now my brain can “justify” it. I get extremely hypersexual when I’m manic and I find have my sex with someone that I’ve been having sex with for awhile extremely boring. I want new and exciting, the thrill of sleeping with someone I’ve never had sex with. I know this makes me seem like a shitty person but I just can’t stop thinking about it despite knowing how wrong it is + + +Edit to add: + +1.) I am not going to cheat, I am able to reason enough to know I won’t, but that doesn’t mean the thought isn’t there + +2.) I had to come off of the meds I was on due to pregnancy and it being known to cause birth defects. I go see my psychiatrist again soon to get started on something pregnancy safe, he’s just been out of town + +3.) Just because you personally have never experienced this feeling, does not mean it’s not a thing. Everyone’s experience with mental illness is different. I am aware that mania is not an excuse to cheat, when not manic I have no desire to seek attention or sex elsewhere + +4.) An open relationship/ ethical non monogamy is a no go for him. He’s (ironically) way too jealous for any of that and has made it very clear he has no interest in such a thing, especially anything involving me being with another person + + +5.) This post was not an invite to say weird creepy shit in my dms",Bipolar +46728,"My therapist broke my heart all over again In November, I went on a trip with a friend. This triggered a manic episode. I was a god awful person to my then boyfriend. I knew I needed to fix myself, so I went to my psych, asked for a med switch, made an appointment with a new therapist, all that jazz. + +My actions were just not something my boyfriend could move past. And I don't blame him. I was inconsiderate of his feelings at a delicate time and really hurt him. He broke up with me at the end of January. + +I told my therapist all about the breakup, all the issues we had, all the fights we had, but I also told her about all the wonderful things. Those were so much more important things to me than any disagreement. We left that topic for a while to work on other things. In my appointment today, we circled back. She said ""it honestly sounds like you two would have been a perfect match if mental illness wasn't as big an issue as it was."" This broke my heart. I have been trying to forget about it, leave well enough alone, or just understand the fact that he's never coming back, and I'll never get to talk to him again (we ended with no contact). + +Now I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot in my car, trying to compose myself before heading back to work. And normally I could just hide in my office and cry, but I'm getting trained to run new machines this week so I have no where to hide. + +My heart is just hurtin real bad and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.",Bipolar +50460,"Being bi polar and no one understands you I was diagnosed 6 years ago with type 2 bi polar disorder and my God what a fucking battle it has been, from being on various medications at first to being on/off with meds to being stable on meds and now eventually being off my meds. + +Having this disorder is just too indescribable and majority of the people I've come across don't understand it, especially those close to me which is pretty fucked up. The constant questions of ""what's wrong with you"" to ""why are you like this"" +When I try to explain to my family members that I have a disorder they turn around and say ""don't speak that over your life."" Like tf? (They quite religious) + +Half the time I have no reason to feel how I feel and I control my impulses, my moods and my outbursts to seem normal to the world but its soooooo draining to feel like one day you on top of the world and life is great and then the next few days you feel like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything good. I guess thats just joys of not being on meds but even being on meds I still had to control it, there was better periods of stability but there was moments of is this shit working? + +The episodes that come whether depressive or manic unfortunately it seems as if my family doesn't believe it and it's all in my head...excuse the pun there but its really fucked up. Having this disorder has messed with my life in ways I couldn't imagine and in the past I didn't know its coz I'm mentally ill, I just thought this is me being normal until I was diagnosed everything made sense as to why I am the way I am. My habits and my patterns my way of thinking. + +I've lost out on so much I've been through so much and the funny part is I have nothing to show for it like it's been a wasted life. People came into my life and left me after they get to know me the rest of my family doesn't get it some of my friends claim they get it but their behavior states otherwise. + +I'm always in a place of I don't know and I keep living in my head and it really fucking sucks coz it feels like I can't find myself or my place in this world and all I can sit here and say is I wish I wasn't bi polar.",Bipolar +45551,"Anyone ever experienced this on Latuda? I've been taking Latuda for about two weeks now, first week at 40 then upped to 60. 40 seemed okay but 60 made me throw up the meds so my psych changed me to 20mg in the morning and 40 mg in the evening. + +I feel absolutely horrible. After taking the meds I feel this excrutiating restlessness like a constant surge of electricity running through my brain. Nothing helps. I can't focus on anything. It's so bad that when I feel it coming on I take antihistamines to slow my brain down and sleep it off. It's left me writing on my bed before trying to get it to go away. + +Obviously I'm not taking this again until my doc can prescribe me something new. Is this normal for Latuda? ",Bipolar +46701,"Anxiety Overload I don't know what is going on with me lately but my anxiety is out of control. I have Ativan but I've been trying to avoid it. My big thing is the overwhelming sense of dread I get about my cats being hurt or sick or anything beong wrong. I have two and they are like my children. I'd no joke die for them. They have gotten me through so much. And to feel needed, to have someone rely on me, makes me feel so much better. Riggt now my momma's boy, Fred has a cough and it scares me to tears. The vet said it might be bronchitis but that was two weeks ago and I'm in a panic. + +Then tonight I was almost in tears again because it looked like he was limping and he made a weird jump that morning. I have wood floors and they slip sometimes.. I just can't get it out of my head that something bad is going to happen. I can't lose either of them it would crush me. I haven't been sleeping because of my fear. Getting only a few hours if that. How the hell do I calm down? + +I've always feared medical stuff myself so I think I'm projecting on the boys. I just can't live like this. I'm so scared and worried. Am I valid in my fear? I don't know what to do. Please help.",Bipolar +45686,"Happiness or Anxiety or Hypomania? Hey fellow bipolar people! I have a question...how can you tell if you’re just in a really good mood or if you are going into hypomania? + +The two times I was manic I was having lots and lots of irritability and insomnia and a ton of anxiety. My doctor suggested those were manic episodes based on what I could remember. + +Now, whenever I’m feeling particularly good, I’m constantly worried that I’m not actually happy, but instead, hypomanic. + +For example, I had a good day at work. I got a project done and I got to socialize with my favorite people. Usually work can be a somewhat dramatic place, but those people were out today. I’m home now and I’m feeling good, as in not tired or socially exhausted, which is funny because I’m typically an introvert, but mostly around people I don’t know. + +I also have a tremor....which is usually a sign of anxiety or that I’m really hungry. Big anxiety attacks have resulting in my legs shaking uncontrollably. Can happiness cause anxiety? I don’t feel anxious that often around other people. Maybe I just have low blood sugar? + +I’m on Lamotrigine and Effexor and I take Hydroxyzine at night to sleep, if that makes a difference at all. I’ve been sleeping throughout the night this week, which I think is a good sign. + +Any thoughts? I’m going to ask my therapist too next week. ",Bipolar +46986,"Annoying This disease is the most annoying thing ever. Today, I woke up so depressed for absolutely no reason. I had a great day, but I'm not capable of expressing that right now. Last week I was having the time of my life . I just needed a place to vent since I can't talk about it with anyone else, but I always seem to crash at the most inconvenient times. anyone else relate?",Bipolar +46435,"Job interview tomorrow Been un/under-employed for a couple months now, after an incredibly high-stress and high-reward contract ended (side note: it was an entire year, and I managed to do it without taking a mental health day the entire time!). It opened a lot of doors for me, including for the job that I'm interviewing for in the morning... + +But it's not a job that I necessarily *want*. It'll look good at a resume and will get me a step further in the direction I want to go, but I'm worried it'll come around and bite me in the ass later, too. I'm worried my mental health will flare up, and shit'll go sideways (like it usually does) and I'll end up burning everything down and making it a flaming road block instead of a bridge to where I want to be. And if I get an offer, they will want me to commit to 2-4 years there... and I've only managed to hold down a job for 2 years once before, and it was a shit-show towards the end. + +I've been in a depressive episode for the last few weeks, and I'm worried that the interview won't go well. And if it does go well, I'm worried about the job. + +Sigh. I just need to get a good night's sleep and go into it with as good a frame of mind as I can. None of it matters right now and I don't need to make a decision until I have an offer anyway, I just can't help but stress about it. + +Thanks for reading, and supportive words are welcome. Please and thank you. ",Bipolar +46658,"Took Lamictal 8 hours apart I take 300 mg of Lamictal every evening. I forgot to take my Lamictal last night and took it this morning around 11 am. I forgot that I had taken it so late this morning and took it around 8 tonight. So that’s 600 mg in about 9 hours. Any danger with that? I’m just feeling restless and maybe some heavy chest, but not much else at this time. I’m 34 years old. I’m not too worried. Just curious. I don’t think it’s time to call poison control. Just wondering if anyone has had experience. Thanks ",Bipolar +45501,"New to Risperdal; do side effects subside? I'm 27 years old and was just diagnosed with bipolar type II after Prozac treating what they thought was depression sent me into a psychotic episode. I was diagnosed with major depression & generalized anxiety disorder at 12 years old and just coasted on Wellbutrin XL & Celexa until college, then cut back to just Wellbutrin XL in college until about a month ago. I haven't been depressed in at least a year but my anxiety has been out of control for many years. The psychiatrist at the hospital was convinced the anxiety is a manifestation of hypomania, and put me in Risperdal 0.5mg twice a day. I started it 4 days ago and take it in additional to Wellbutrin. + +Anyway, enough about that. My dose of Risperdal is very low at 1mg a day and I still feel like a [metaphorical] zombie. My brain is in a fog and I can barely stay awake. I'm terrified of driving or working like this. No general anxiety, though! Thankfully, I don't notice an increase in appetite either. + +If you took Risperdal, did early symptoms go away after a while? I'm just a little disturbed because it's such a low dose and I'm already feeling like this. The psychiatrist eventually wants to maybe bump me up to 2mg a day, but if that's gonna make me feel even more like this, I don't know if I'd be able to function. I'm willing to stick with it if it'll make my out-of-control anxiety manageable at some point, but I'm a bit skeptical if these side effects will continue as long as I'm on it.",Bipolar +45400,"Husband has just about blocked me out and refuses to deal with my mental health issues In some ways I can't blame him, but I need someone. Right now I have a good friend to talk to, but she really just doesn't get it. She never saw the bad years. My husband lived them. + +I have been married almost 12 years. I know that I've been working hard to act better and my actions have been consistently much more thought out and I've been MUCH less volatile. I can let things go that I would have never been able to before. The other night my really stressed out husband (he went back to college and has just been grumpy the whole time) flew off the handle at me. Over something I said about Mexican Coca-Cola. Anyway, I just let him vent as he said things like, ""You just make me want to hate you."" And he referred to the last time I was in the hospital as the ""Smlybright show."" - making everything about me. He immediately referred to how selfish I am (which I really haven't been in a long time). + +This isn't even really him! I least I hope he hasn't turned into this guy! + + +I WAS selfish a long time ago. I was mean a long time ago, I was way too hypersexual a long time ago. And he has dealt with all of it. But he can't ever forgive me for anything. He has stopped being there when I really need him because he has just started blocking me out. He doesn't want to deal with me. I cry in private. I contemplate leaving or dying in private. I can't talk to him about these things anymore because ""we've had this conversation 100 times and you never remember what I tell you anyway and I have my own problems to deal with and I know how you feel because I'm depressed and have problems with that and I still am moving forward because somebody has take care of this family (we don't have kids. He means the pets. Which I definitely help with)."" + + +We haven't had sex in about a year. For years prior, I felt like he just did it to get his obligatory sex in for the quarter. When we got married, we had sex all the time, and then I wanted it all the time and he didn't anymore. Then he says he felt like I was using him. Maybe I was. I would actually throw fits about it. Crying, screaming fits. Embarrassing but I'm being honest in this post. + + +Medicine has made me gain a lot of weight. He says it's not me. It's that he needs to feel like I am a safe place, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I still wonder if it's just my body. But I take my medicine because it works. + + +He says I get worse every year, but when I really look at myself, I know I'm doing better in a lot of really important ways. My relationships with other people (not so much my husband right now) have improved tremendously. I am not working anymore (well, some part time, but not a lot) but I'm slowly becoming more productive and balancing my functionality with my anxiety and the pressure it makes me feel. I bring in the money because I was medically retired from the military. + + +I think sometimes it's how you look at your illness. You can only really judge your own level of the illness affecting your life because you are the only one inside your brain. It's easy to forget the good times when we are feeling low. Last time I had some pretty bad depression I honestly couldn't think of any reason to keep going. I started to end things. But at the critical moment, I just had this strong feeling that I was checking out FOREVER. No more good days OR bad days, and that I could always off myself if I wanted to, so I'd live another day and reevaluate later. And things got better. And then worse, and then better. + + +Any advice on any of this would be great. Sometimes I feel like I don't even like him anymore. A lot of times I feel like I love the old him, but not this guy who, at one time was always there, and now refuses to deal with me.",Bipolar +46190,"Hello. Hi I'm new here. Been lurking for awhile. There's something on my mind that's bugging me. Idk if I should believe and apply all the things I've read in this sub. Part of me wants to think that some of the posters here are just trolls. Idk, just passing by. Maybe I'll open up and post about my experiences over time. Anyways, thank you for reading and thank you for this sub. I'm sorry for taking your time",Bipolar +50213,"Bipolar and borderline I was diagnosed with BD 6 years ago, and received my BPD diagnosis yesterday. + +From what I get - from the internet - the major difference is that BPD alone does not experience mania, hence the BD diagnosis. + +Has anyone else in this sub been diagnosed with both? How would you describe it? How's life?",Bipolar +45411,Anyone else trying the Paleo Diet? Is anyone else trying the Paleo diet for the new year? I’m embarking on it to help me lose antipsychotic weight. ,Bipolar +46464,"im cycling too fast maybe I just have a personality disorder :/ + +(not because that would be worse but because they say it's harder to treat) + +I used to have a lot of faith in psychiatrists. Fear, almost, about how much they'd know about me just by seeing me and talking to me. But they don't know shit. They just know about different variations of ""crazy"" in their most extreme and/or delineated manifestations and anything more complicated than that is just conjecture + +On the topic of rapid cycling. They don't seem to know anything. It is said to be rare but you talk to patients and so many of them say they rapid cycle all over the place. How common is it actually? + +Whatever. I'm so depressed. After feeling so so good. That's 2 distinct episodes already this year if we're talking in bipolar terms. I can't be this person. Do I go back to the ward if this gets as bad as it got in december? It did not help whatsoever. I'm just talking to myself at this point, rhetorical. + +Thanks for reading, I guess I could use some support",Bipolar +49908,"About to be out of meds I'm not very smart and I figured you guys would know. I live in the US and I recently moved to a new state (6 months ago),, never got in contact with a new doctor. I can call around tomorrow but I assume it'll take me a long time to get in anywhere. I only have two doses of my seroquel left. My old one from the other state made it clear last time that he would not refill it again. I'm fucking stupid and this is all my own fault. + + Do I have any options except go off everything and just cope with it until an appointment? I looked it up and urgent care clinics can't help me with this apparently.",Bipolar +46640,"I really just can't commit During a manic period I committed to a volunteer position that I didn't realize was actually a 2 year commitment and I have now (as of last week) committed to another year in this position because I can't say no. We have a big event tomorrow and I just don't want to go. I am one of 2 social media coordinators (and the better of the 2) so I'm supposed to be snapping pictures, tweeting, putting stuff on Instagram and Facebook during the event all day. + +I'm at a hotel and the bed is just so comfy, I don't see myself getting out of it at 5am. I've struggled to get to my paid job for the last 2 weeks (well, really the last 3 months but it's been especially difficult the last 2 weeks leading up to this event). Being around a bunch of professional people trying to network while helping... its giving me anxiety and I tried ALL DAY talking myself into it. The topics the lecturers are talking about don't even interest me, so that doesn't help. Usually at these events there's something I want to listen to, but it's just going to be 8 hours of blah. I don't want to let anyone down, but doing *anything* is just so difficult right now. + +I even thought about telling the head of the board I'm on that I have lice, thinking that's embarrassing enough that she won't ask questions and I'll get to avoid going. I just need some motivation or a good excuse to get out of going. ",Bipolar +46942,"I was recently diagnosed with bipolar and it's making me question my own identity I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder three weeks ago. I am going through a major depressive episode and went to see a psychologist my mother recommended. My anxiety is slowly killing me and forcing everyone that I care about away from me. The meds aren't doing their job and I'm just really looking for some support and reassurance that I'm not all alone and absolutely insane. + +I prided myself in my abilities in the arts and my motivation and commitment when school started, and always attributed my falling grades to the lack of motivation as the year dragged on. After being diagnosed I'm just not sure exactly of who I am anymore. I'm afraid people are going to look at all my past, recent, and future achievements with ""oh its due to mania"", but I feel like I need that validation to keep doing what I do. It has always been a way for me to express myself. + +My mom and grandma also have bipolar. My mom is extremely unstable and controlling, and the only thing holding her back from completely grabbing my skin and stepping into it herself is the fact that I wasn't bipolar like her. Now that I am, she has been forcing her past feelings of when she was young onto me. She's pushing onto me her experiences, trying to relive her life through me, and its making me question my own identity and whether or not I'll just end up like this nightmare that is my mother. + +My mother is also only taking me to her psychiatrist and doctors. I should trust them, as they are reputable institutions in the area, but I don't because of their affiliation with my mother. She is the only person I know who has this, so I decided to make an account and find some people to help me go through this process.",Bipolar +50620,"I recreated a few drawings during my rapid cycling...feel free to tell me they suck. I am a type ll and my hypomania makes me want to colour everything while my depression makes me want to kill myself...so I tried this method of venting...hope you like them... +Thank you for reading",Bipolar +46024,"Don't forget that today is World Bipolar Day. So depending on how comfortable you are with sharing, today is a good day to share information, bring about awareness, and do some damage to the stigmas associated with this mood disorder. + +So what are you doing today? I'm bombarding my Facebook feed with different articles and photographs and videos and hopes that a few people will take the time to take a look at it. Oh and I'm doing it on Instagram and Twitter to. + +Feel free to share what you're doing and if you're not doing anything feel free to share why.",Bipolar +45934,"Stages of bipolar? I know bipolar isn’t just mania and depression. What I live with confuses me so much. Sometimes I know I’m manic or depressed, but there are so many in betweens and feelings or behavior I can’t explain. I think I’ve heard of ... hypomania? ... can someone explain the different stages I guess of bipolar, other than depression and mania?",Bipolar +47048,"I want to go to crisis counseling but I know there’s nothing they can do So I might be manic, idk for sure but this weekend I partied a lot and did hard drugs and my sleep was all fucked and when I finally got some sleep it was full of horrible disturbing nightmares. I’m so impatient and time is moving so fucking slowly. Idk if I’m manic, I feel fine inside, but I think my partying behavior is a little off. I kept hurrying my friends to get to the next party, to take more shots faster, etc etc and they were like dude what is wrong with you? But they were just moving so fucking slow. I’ve been exercising and really paranoid my parents or the government can read my phone. My college has crisis counseling and I’ve been before when i was too manic to take a midterm, and it was helpful because they wrote me a note to take the midterm at a different date. I feel like I should maybe go again, honestly because the nightmares are so gross and making me scared to sleep. I should probably wait until the drugs are out of my blood first though. But anyway, I want to go to crisis counseling but idk what they could do for me. I can’t get medication because the school pharmacy doesn’t take my insurance and everywhere in town is either not accepting new patients or doesn’t take my insurance. It’s literally hopeless, there’s absolutely no way for me to access medication. If I go to crisis counseling all they can do is determine if I’m actually manic I guess but realistically there’s nothing they can do to actually help me. I have a hard time even believing I’m bipilar, I know this behavior isn’t normal but I don’t feel crazy or weird, I feel normal, I think my behaviors are just a little bit out there right now. Idk why I’m posting I guess I just needed somewhere to vent.",Bipolar +50161,"Sleeping is boring? Preface: I’m diagnosed for 10 years but deemed stable enough so no treatment outside meds. + +So I don’t have someone else to ask this question to. + +I have been lazy on my medication lately (big mistake), but is anyone else really bored while sleeping while (hypo)manic? Like waking up is a relief? I only sleep for a few hours because of this. + +Just wondering if there’s anyone else, if it’s a symptom or if im just weird☺️",Bipolar +46330,"Just casually sharing my life-story I never share my genuine and real problems with anyone close to me and I just want to get some things off my chest. + +Disclaimer: Don't be stupid and go off your medication in a single day without anybody watching it like I did. This could seriously harm you, don't do it, learn from my mistakes. Also try not to lie if that's a problem for you. + +&#x200B; + +When I was 14 my mother first took me to a GP to ask for a referral to a children's psychiatrist. From there on it was a whirlwind of seeing different psychiatrists and receiving different diagnoses. 2 years later it was agreed that I had bipolar II and I was put on medication and sent to therapy. + +&#x200B; + +I'm not sure how medication worked for me, I was prescribed some mood-stabilisers and I took them, and after I was asked how they work for me I said yeah, they are great, despite not feeling any difference at all. Therapy didn't help me either, I'm a self-diagnosed compulsive liar and therapy did nothing for me because I just lied to my therapist about a bunch of trivial things, so I never allowed her to get close. I think I lie mostly because I don't like people getting to know too much about me and my life, though often I also just lie for no reason at all. I'm not a sociopath or psychopath, I do experience emotions very much and sometimes I get angry at myself for lying to people I care about. + +&#x200B; + +For some reason, at some point when I was 17 I just could not manage to call my psychiatrist nor my therapist for another appointment. My mother, who is a supportive and kind person normally, who however always stigmatised and made fun of me for mental health issues (despite having some herself), refused to call them for me on the basis that I'm 17, I should be able to do this for myself now. + +&#x200B; + +So, I never went back to my psychiatrist and that meant no more pharmacy recipes for my medication. That's how I uncontrolledly went off my mood-stabilisers. It was a whirlwind and it pushed me right back to the start of my problems. Don't do this. This is stupid and dangerous and not recommended by ANYBODY. + +&#x200B; + +Since then I have learned to control myself better and I have learned coping methods that help me. I still know I am going through phases of depression and hypomania and rapid-cycling. I am learning methods that help me push through it. I believe I'm at a point in my life where I have the will and drive to get help and medication again, but I try to cope. I'm turning 21 soon and currently enrolled half-time at an online university. I study in English, which is not my native language, but I enjoy it very much and it's a field I am very very interested in. I have a boyfriend who is older than me and financially supports me. I am a supportive family that I could always come back to running, if I dropped out of university it would not be the end of the world. Even though I dropped out of high school right before graduation (because I stood no chance at ever passing the math final) I could get a job and not worry about money, thanks to my family's circumstances. + +&#x200B; + +Now I mostly suffer from the 'side effect' symptoms of BP II, (as I like to call them): delusions, emotional intensity, binging on various things and irritability. I sometimes get bouts of feelings of guilt for things that are long done with, or just for no reason. I feel highly emotional about wasting food, money, other things. Which can be a challenge when you experience hypomania sometimes, lol. + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for reading if you came this far, I hope you're coping well. I'm not sure whether I ever told my story this honestly.",Bipolar +45928,"3.5 years diagnosed, 1 official year off meds.. I was diagnosed right after losing my mother at 18. When initially diagnosed, I got put on a cocktail of meds hoping something would work. I was watched closely to try and figure out the cycle of my mood swings. I had a regular therapist and a psychiatric nurse I saw every week trying to figure it out. I stuck with it until a year and a half ago and decided being on a fluctuating list of meds(that may or may not work/have ugly side effects) sucked. + +Until a year ago I was in a pretty toxic relationship too, of course half of that due to myself. I had no idea what bipolar was, or what it meant, until I was diagnosed. I’ve since been diagnosed with GAD(generalized anxiety disorder) and PTSD to top it off. + +I have a vicious rapid cycle from manic to depressive and stable periods in between which I’ve been able to prolong. As stupid as it sounds, changing my diet(less caffeine/sugar/heavy foods), having a schedule and sleeping more regular has done fucking wonders for my ability to function. + +Everyday is still a damn challenge but I lost my mom to this disorder and I’m not going to let it have me too. I refuse. + +P.S. A hearty salute to everyone still trying to figure out their own medical cocktail that will allow them to deal with this shit maybe just a bit easier... you guys rock. ",Bipolar +50045,Horribly stuck About six years ago I moved back home to take care of my mom with dementia. I was the best chose because I was on disability and had been stable on medication and off probation for a couple of years. The first couple of years weren't so bad she still talked and could walk on her own. I was there to make sure she had lunch took her pills and didn't wander off. Now she's bedridden dosent talk and it's and a struggle to eat. I take two mood stablers and two atypical antipsychotics plus a benzo. I still stuck in painful mixed state. I've have two short hospital stays in the last 9 months. I don't know what to do I promised my stepdad I would see it though with mom but every day just seams to adds more agitation. I feel like someone is pouring molten lead down my throat. I hate breaking my word. My step dad has a little more than a year before he can retire. My meds keep me out of full Mania but the mix state aggravated by stress is really starting to get to me but I can't let my family down.,Bipolar +45505,"I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I’m so relieved to finally have answers. After a few years of considering that I’ve only ever been depressed I finally understand what is wrong with me. I’m reading through old journals and I can almost pin point each episode and determine whether it was mania or depression. I HAVE ANSWERS! + +My manic episodes and then depression and sducidal gestures. I finally understand. It’s a relief and scary. I joined the community about a week ago so I can understand my condition all the more.",Bipolar +50515,"How am I supposed to look forward in life? TW: Depression, nihilism, addiction, etc. + +Hi all, I’m really sorry if this post triggers anybody, please don’t read if you’re prone to being triggered by content relating to depression/despair. + +With that in mind, how the fuck am I supposed to be excited about living the rest of my life? I’m only 23 years old, and I’m so goddamn tired. The older I get, the more acutely aware I get of just how wrong my brain is. I try so hard, and it can’t be fixed? As we all know. I’m on medication, but in a few months I’ll be off my moms insurance and I CANNOT afford private insurance. I know everyone says we NEED to be on meds, and I agree. I need to be on meds. But staring down the barrel right now, I know I cannot and will not be able to just a while from now. And I hate this fucking disorder so much, because all it does is lie to you. I can’t trust my happiness or my sadness or my apathy. I am genuinely so exhausted of managing these feelings, and it gets worse every year as I get more and more compounded “adult” stress. How am I supposed to want to go on like this? And no I am not at risk of ending my life, I have too much guilt and shame to think of doing that to my family, but that just compounds the pain of existing for no reason beyond obligation. How do you all do it? Why do you all do it? Literally any input or advise or comment is appreciated to help me feel maybe just a little less alone, sorry for being so whiny.",Bipolar +50160,"How to live like this I’m just very lost right now. A few weeks ago my physical health took a major dive and I’ve been in and out of hospitals since. Along with my physical health went my mental health, and I’m really not doing well right now. Being depressed while also having to make doctors appointments and explaining my situation over and over again is not ideal to say the least. Not to mention I can’t work right now, and I’m probably going to have to quit my job (which i love) soon. I just don’t know how to live like this. It feels like this is all that’s left for me, and I don’t know how to push through it anymore.",Bipolar +50069,"how many episodes do you guys have per year? I started last year off with a lil mania + marijuana-induced psychosis, then a fat depression Feb-May, manic in June, depresso again in July, ssri-induced Mania in August, manic thru october and Nov despite lamotrigine, end of December Mania, mid-Jan SSRI-induced mixed mania, and im just coming out of a february long depresso + +i think im rapid cycling or cyclothymia as indicated by my first psychologist but i swear its just getting worse + +now on lamotrigine 200mg, lurasidone 40mg( 1 wk now ), and doc told me to up to 300mg lamotrigine but im literally gonna go bald at this rate so im holding off",Bipolar +50422,Every. Single. Time. Every single time I think I’m getting better I’m just not. I thought I was healing but really I was masking my depressive symptoms with drugs. Now I’ve ran out of drugs to binge on and I can feel myself spiralling into mania and I don’t wanna sectioned again I just can’t please someone help me,Bipolar +46430,"A story going from manic to depressive Bipolar II explained + +My eyes open. WHAT A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE. Why was I so down yesterday? Maybe I should go to the gym. No, no: maybe I should get some work done. Yes work, I’ve been neglecting work. Actually maybe I should pay rent, I’m a couple of days overdue. I put on my favourite song. What a great fucking song, my auditory cortex shoots out musical notes like buckets of cum for my vagina of a cerebral cortex to process and enjoy. + +First I need to make breakfast. What’s the most optimal amount of nutrients I can make in a meal for my body weight? I research this for a couple of hours; I want to know anything and everything about how nutrients work from the macro to the micro level. I order an organic chemistry book. I order a vegetable juicer. I order 5 different multivitamins and 2 fish oils. I go for a run, planning my ultimate breakfast. I am so excited. I get a few hours of work done, life is so fucking great. Hell, maybe I’ll even find a girlfriend soon. + +Maybe I can share this with my friends. I haven’t spoken to them in a while, but I think it would be really great to catch up. So I plan 3 coffee dates for tomorrow. Perfect, that will scratch my social itch. I also want to get REALLY fucking high. Or maybe I’m just craving affection. Peaking on MDMA and having my first kiss felt identical. So does the mdma comedown and breaking up. I don’t deal with relationships very well. I’m either careless or obsessive. Very rarely do I find a good fit, in fact I haven’t yet. But I’ve learned from my mistakes. + +My thoughts start racing. Maybe I’ll never find someone to give this boundless love to. Maybe I’m not attractive enough. Maybe I’m too weird. Who spends 4 hours planning their breakfast? Sometimes I say things I don’t mean. Sometimes I just want people to like me. Sometimes I won’t shut up. Sometimes friends say they like me or click well with me but it doesn’t feel genuine. Are all my relationships fake? I’m definitely overthinking this. This can’t be true. + + My dad comes into my room and asks how applying to work is going, I tell him to fuck off. I can’t believe I just said that. I’m just mentally fucked up and waiting for my meds to work, this must be the case. My friends like me, right? I need to slow down my thoughts, this is driving me mad. I order some ket, haven’t eaten all day and decide to order pizza. I binge and fall asleep. + +I wake up. The greyness of the bleak sky reflects through my cold window. I gather all my strength to go take a shower. I made it to the bathroom and undress. I’ve put on weight. My brutal acne medicine isn’t working as promised, in fact it’s made it worse. I’ve ignored calls from my landlord for days now, there’s no way I can call him and sort it out. I dropped out of school, I’m a fucking failure. I put on my favourite song. My auditory cortex hits me cerebral cortex with notes like harpoons to Moby Dick. What trash, how can anybody enjoy music? + +Oh fuck, I have to meet up with my friends today. I try and get myself together and make a lazy breakfast. One friend calls me and says he can’t make it. I’m somewhat upset but also relieved. I meet up with my other friend. We have a seemingly normal conversation but I am fucking shattered. I can’t tell if he can tell or not. I leave the conversation feeling defeated, I’ve had so much to say and nothing but small talk left my mouth. He must think I’m boring, I despise being boring. + +I return home to find my books, vitamins and juicer waiting for me in a parcel at my doorstep. I’m never gonna use this shit, what’s the point? Ah but yes, my ket arrived, I’ll get a couple of hours of peace completely zombified. + +My dad calls me when I’m all fucked up. He can tell I’m fucked up and he’s worried I’m going to overdose. I try to pretend to be sober and he tries to pretend to believe that I’m sober as to not upset me more, it’s the saddest thing in the world. He drives me to the emergency unit and I get my vitals checked, all is seemingly fine. My parents have been nothing but supportive and I’m still like this. My phone dies and I can’t get it to work, my last friend completely ghosted and in my mind gone forever. Maybe some day I’ll get better, I’m just waiting for the meds to work. I fall asleep. + +I wake up, WHAT A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE. + +",Bipolar +50233,"what do you think are the most annoying things about how people view bipolar? As a teen who got diagnosed with bipolar on the first year of high school, I found that there's a huge negative stigma surrounding bipolar between some of my friend groups and my school as well. + +So I just want advice on 2 things: + +What are some common misconceptions/things that you find annoying when people say it + +And what can I do to address it?",Bipolar +50498,"Why does my brain know when to be depressed/manic? Why does my brain know when to be depressed/manic? Typically I cycle over the course of a few days at most but my psych increased my lamictal so I stopped getting depressed as often and don't really have mood issues unless I get stressed or take caffeine or something. I've been burning the candle on both ends recently and I have had frequent, and almost constant (but relatively mild) bursts of energy, with only mild dips into normal or depression. But I decided to actually get some sleep for once and now the depressive ends are hitting me really hard and the high ends are just me being normal instead of energetic. Usually I cycle over the course of a day, and I am wondering how my brain can remember that so many manic bursts happened last week. Like, is there some part of the brain that counts all my episodes and tells the other parts to be depressed? I guess I'm looking for a more brain psychology answer, not like an analysis of my behavior or anything.",Bipolar +47039,"Benzo Tolerance Issues Hey everyone, I've been on benzos for about a year and a few months (Klonopin at first and now Xanax on top of it) and I've noticed that not only have I grown a tolerance (which I obv. expected) but it's gotten to the point where it barely does anything, even if I take higher dosages. I started at .5 mg of Klonopin and now I'm at up to 1.5 mg per day (prescribed by my doctor). Even at the upper level it doesn't do much. With Xanax, I have to take like 3-4 mg just to feel what I used to get with .5 or 1 mg. Of course I know that's getting to the point of substance abuse which is a problem I don't wanna have. + +Has anyone else experienced benzo tolerance getting to a point where you have to take very excessive amounts just for a small benefit? Also, I'm considering tapering down for a short while so that if I end up taking more than my regular dose it actually helps instead of barely registering. Do a few weeks of taking lower amounts help somewhat reset tolerance for any chronic benzo users or does it just cause withdrawal to worsen/is not worth it? Looking for any advice, thanks! (I posted this on r/bipolar as well if that's fine)",Bipolar +45612,"How can I tell if it's just anxiety, or hypomania/mania? I already have tons of anxiety about facing things in my everyday life. But I feel this agitation, this growing desperation, and neediness that I can't shake. It's sort of eating me alive, and it feels like anxiety, but I don't even know why I'm anxious, and it doesn't go away. It just builds in me, and I keep trying to distract myself. It's not as if it's triggered by something specific, it's just there constantly in the background. I also have zero appetite and don't feel tired unless I take a lot of sedative supplements, but that isn't so abnormal because my eating and sleeping can be all over the place at the best of times. Anyway, it just feels bad and I want it to go away, and it won't.",Bipolar +50219,"Feeling like giving up. **Trigger warning:abuse,suicidal** + +This is really just a rant since I have no one to talk to and I'm tired of emotion dumping on the couple friends i have left. +It's been awhile since I've hit depression this hard. At one point I had a car, a full time job, my own place, a boyfriend and friends. I sold my car last year during mania. I struggle to find a job that works for me or i dont run away from so I have very little money now. (I'm looking for work again). I live at home with family and now my abusive,erratic, alcoholic brother has moved in. I'm scared for my safety but I have no where else to go. Last year I got a peace order on him out of fear and didn't have to worry about him coming by but my family lashed out on me for it and threatened to put me out if I didnt take it off. My mom let's me use her extra car that she told me she'd give me but changes her mind every other week or when shes angry. Shes let me live with her and help out with the house for some years not but shes tired of me and how I cant ever finish what I start. Or how I hyperfixate on things but haven't made any money. She gets verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and in the past when this happens I leave but now I have no where to. This week I've been taking the car and doing everything I can to make some progress. I even made an appointment with a new therapist and filled out job applications. I'm not on medication or anything. Yesterday it hit me I've been crying on and off now since last night. I feel helpless and alone. My brother moving in is the last of all I can take. I feel like I put up a solid fight but idk what I'm pushing for now. I've literally ruined my life.",Bipolar +46072,"My therapist thinks I may be bipolar. So, I just saw a new therapist and I was describing the symptoms I experience. Back when I wasn't on medications, I used to have huge highs and devastating lows. During my highs, I was more confident than usual, my mood was highly elevated, I was more energetic and I would be excessively talkative. Every time that happened, though, I would experience a crash. I would become desperately depressed, with suicidal ideation, worthlessness, etc. With each crash worse than the last. This cycle probably occurred 20 times in a span of about a year. After telling him this, he said that it sounds a lot like bipolar. He's a therapist, not a doctor, so obviously, no diagnosis. My doctor put me on Latuda along with my Zoloft and Wellbutrin. One thing I noticed about my high periods, is that sometimes, I would get a little giddy in the day prior to the high. I also noticed that I still needed a full night's sleep. I just sleep more when in a depression. I've wanted to stop my Zoloft, because my depression persists when I'm on it and I really miss the highs I used to have. ",Bipolar +49567,"New diagnoses I went for years thinking I had ADHD because of a childhood diagnoses of hyperactivity in the early 70s ,I'm 57 now. I was put on Ritalin than sedated me until it reversed and mad me worse. + +I got a diagnoses Of Asperger's syndrome at age 4o And thought the episodes were part of that . I Have been getting worse but I felt like superman when I was up and took it a a good state to be in ,Hardly the case people would be frightened of my actions which I could not understand why, they wanted me to move faster at work (cooking 40 years) I would become increasing more agitated as the months would go on. and would just fly off the handle and have a melt down and bye bye job. + +I never felt out of control until recently when my father died in February and I have been on full throttle for a month now so I changed my Psych doc and said that I was manic and took me off the anti depresses that my old doc prescribed. and gave me abilify and buspirone Just wed mar 23 2023 it has been a month since I slept more than 2 hrs. I still up but I am coming down slowly. + +I never notice the down side I just knew that I felt better not moving as much to the neglect of housework, and no motivation to give a dam about work again I had an attitude wile when I was down almost hatting the people I worked with and being resentful of having to work. + +&#x200B; + +sorry if this is disjointed I'm still amped up to 11.",Bipolar +46378,"My job is triggering a really bad depressive faze. I really really hate my job, and it's exacerbating everything else. I'm constantly stressed, I want to die just so I don't have to keep going to that hell hole just to survive. I've been looking for a new job and so far no call backs. +I've taken to drinking to numb everything, I'm so anxious all the time it feels like I'm on a never ending rollercoaster. +I have diagnosed bipolar type 2 and general anxiety disorder that I am not currently medicated for, but I can't get myself to just call around to get in to a doctor +I promise I will not kill myself, but I can't stop thinking about just dying to escape. I fantasize about natural disasters wiping out my town daily. I want a nearby volcano to blow, or a meteor to hit me. +My house is a disaster, I can hardly bathe more than once a week (pretty proud of myself for actually keeping my teeth brushed more often than not recently) I just hope I hit a manic episode soon just for a break from this depression, but I don't think that's going to happen until I get a new job. +If you've made it this far thank you for reading my rambling.",Bipolar +46844,"Should I have waited out this depressive episode to decide whether to end it with my boyfriend? I’ve got bipolar 1, psychoaffective with rapid cycling. Emphasis on the rapid cycling. My relationship with a person I really love was going amazing but in the past few months I’ve gotten increasingly DEPRESSED. + +I decided that I didn’t want to be a burden on my boyfriend anymore so I broke up with him over the phone last night. It was super out of the blue and I instantly regretted it. I can’t tell if I made the right decision though. If you love something let it free? I’m the worst right now. We’re in our mid 20s. I don’t want this incredible person to waste any more time with this worthless version of myself. + +I love being with him and I want to be with him. But I don’t know if I can handle friendship or love right now. + +",Bipolar +46633,"Just started Lithium. Bipolar II. Looking for others experiences and advice as I’m feeling very anxious. Hi guys. Long time lurker of this sub so I know you all are kind and give good advice. + +I just started 450mg of the extended release type of Lithium last night. I took it after a meal but by the time it hit my stomach I had really bad nausea. I went and laid down and after about 30 mins that passed thankfully. I woke up during the night quite thirsty and today I have been drinking plenty of water. + +I have been feeling dizzy at times, have been sweaty - sometimes hot flashes and then feel cold later. Hands and feet sweating a lot. Also I am feeling very anxious (there is a lot going on in my life so that would make sense but I wasn’t anxious this badly and in this way before the lithium). I feel ‘out of it’ too - like dissociated maybe - the anxiety makes this scary, although I am in a rational state of mind. I also have a feeling of just being a bit unwell in some hard to define way. I feel a icky lol + +I have no symptoms of toxicity at all thankfully. No shakes. However searching reddit and Google I can’t kind anyone reporting anxiety, dizziness and feeling slightly out of it and unwell. I know it is early days and I might need to adjust but after hours of obsessive Googling and worry I just need some feedback as to whether what I am feeling is normal or not? + +I am also on Lamictal 200mg but have been for many months already. I was on 25mg Seroquel since the Friday before last to help with sleep but my last dose of that was Saturday night. I stopped it as it wasn’t helping me sleep and I was getting no benefit. + +If anyone has some experience with lithium I’d really appreciate some reassurance. Especially regarding the feeling of not quite being here or right in some way. + +Thank you ???? ",Bipolar +50546,,Bipolar +50143,"Latuda finally has a generic! It launched February 21st. I didn’t know until half an hour ago when I picked up my prescription. Instead of $150 after insurance for a 30 day supply, I paid $0 for Lurasidone. $0!!!!! + +Just wanted to share in case people don’t know! If you’re paying a lot for Latuda, you can now get the generic! + +I am so psyched to have more money in my budget! That relieves so much stress, oh my god",Bipolar +46150,"possibly bi-polar diagnose. Goodmorning people! + +Just a short introduction.. + +For a long time now, I've been experiencing symptoms such as; +Indecisive as F. I CHANGE MY MIND ALL THE TIME. I can't seem to relate to anything... +It's really bad. I can't stay at a job, as soon as I get an idea, let's say traveling or doing something else, I quit my job, leave my apartment, and the idea just slowly dies. Then I start aaaall over again, finding a job, a new place to stay, new idea, BAM. Same vicious circle. + +I have mood-swings like crazy. Depressed periods/days, and not so depressed periods/days. +On my depressed periods/days I; +Tend to isolate myself, disable all my social media, turn off my phone. +I get irritable and angry about the smallest things, for no reason. +My creativity/confidence level goes to 0, so it's like i've never played on my guitar before, or sung a song. +And of course, the overthinking everything like crazy, it gets so bad that I can't even answer a ""simple"" yes or no question, without having to overthink it. And I always know that as soon as I answer the question, I would/will change my mind straight away. + +On my good days/periods, I get crazy.. hyper and active? +Spend money on random stuff +Get 1000 of ideas, but never follow through with one of them. +Confidence is SKY HIGH, and I can do everything. +I sleep 3-4 hours max, and im good to go. + +Relationship wise; I really quickly lose interest. All of a sudden, I just cut off contact without letting the person - Or i do the opposite, and get way to clingy and deep. + + + +So yesterday, I've simply had enough. I went to the doctor, told him all this, and he referred my to a psychiatrist, which I will be seeing in 4-5 weeks... He couldn't tell me 100% what it was, and im just clueless on what to do. Can anyone of you relate to any of this? + +",Bipolar +50191,"On Moods and Mania I have been thinking a lot about this today and I just want to share some thoughts with you guys. It has been 18 years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That I live with this is no surprise to anybody who knows me. This disease is so much more nuanced than the typical ""extreme ups and downs"" description it usually receives. I have survived two absolutely devastating depressions, and approximately twenty manic episodes. +Attempting to describe what mania is like is the worst frustration. It happens gradually and then comes upon me like a brick to the face. First I stop sleeping, then the creativity comes. The blank page beckons to me the way freshly baked bread might entice the starving. It is soft at first, subtle even, but the persistent pen-to-page prevails and soon I am unable to make sense of, or even put into context, the hasty and paranoid puzzle of words. Grandiosity accompanies the writing, then the delusions come, and I believe that this puzzle of words is worthy of a Pulitzer. Other things happen too; reckless driving, substance use, rage, impulsivity, irrationality.... Ultimately I surrender to complete psychosis. Saying it is ""a lot"" is an understatement. +I have destroyed and lost relationships with family members and friends because of this illness. I have said and done unforgivable things. But it is my deepest wish that people understand that becoming manic is not a choice, it has happened to me whilst on medication and off alike. I would never choose it. +I'm simply reflecting on all of this today because earlier I read this: Bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span, and as many as one in five patients with bipolar disorder completes suicide. (National Institute of Mental Health). +That's the reality. It's my reality. I do not want to ever become a statistic and I want to live as full a life as possible. +Here is what I'm grateful for: I have an incredible support network. I have doctors and therapy. I have the most loving and supportive family and friends, ones who are able to look beyond my illness and recognize that I am not ""me"" in those manic moments. +And I am grateful for the ability to empathize with all those who struggle. We can do together what we could never do alone.",Bipolar +47007,"My new subreddit (mostly) for people experiencing mental health issues in the UK! Hello all! I'd like to introduce [My brand new subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/MentalHealthUK/). As someone from the UK who has dealt with mental health issues for years, I've noticed a lack of active UK spaces and would like to try and change that if there is the demand for it. Anyone is welcome to participate but I would prefer it if people who are not from the UK only talk about their specific healthcare processes/systems if relevant to a comments discussion rather than promoting it - just so we dont get swamped out due to uneven population. I'm hoping it can be a sub where people can either ask questions, give support, vent or promote their own blogs or work if related to mental health/therapy. My inbox is always open too! Thanks for reading if you got this far ??",Bipolar +49794,,Bipolar +50013,"Never Going Home So I have this thing, I don’t go home all day. Once I wake up and get ready for the day I leave and go to my moms. If she has something to do I’ll go visit my aunt. If she has something to do I’ll go visit a friend, so on and so forth. It is an avoidant tactic so I don’t have to take care of things (cleaning, responding to mail, etc.) I also know I do this because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, or make a poor decision, like spending money or killing myself. + +As I’m typing this it seems like a healthy coping mechanism, but it drives me absolutely mad that I can’t just take care of my shit. + +Does anyone else do this? If so, does it bother you/how do you deal with it?",Bipolar +46359,"Stress and Bipolar I'm under some pressure at the moment with exams. I think the adrenaline rush which comes from the time pressure is pushing me towards (hypo)mania. + +How do you deal with stress? What happens to your mood? Is there anything you do to prevent an episode? + +Thanks",Bipolar +46337,"Moving out of my parents house because of PTSD? To keep things vague l was abused by my dad. He hasn’t abused me since childhood but I still feel uncomfortable around him. I’m 23 and still live with him and my mom because my state is VERY expensive to afford housing (or anything). + +I have it comfortable here, a parking spot, my own room etc, but I feel it’s bad for my mental health. No rent here, they let me stay free. + +I found a room that’s only $600 a month to rent from a family, which I can afford, but they have three children and a baby on the way. Therapist says I have PTSD and should move. But I don’t wanna end up in a worse situation; but would it be better for me, for my mental health to move away? Needing advice, is it worth it? . I’m bipolar and schizoaffective so triggers suck. ",Bipolar +49947,"Impulse control issues I'm (27F) having serious issues with impulse control. So much so that since I've started my new job, my motto has been ""the less I talk, the better"". So I've been making sure to hold on on words as much as possible. I'm really anxious in general in my social interactions because I seek constant reassurance and approbation, that it's not hard for me not to talk when I'm anxious. + +I've been at my new job for a little more than a year now, and I'm starting to relax around people. I'm more comfortable. And more comfortable means losing my filter slowly. I surprise myself with my reactions that are out of proportion, and it surprises people whom have known me as someone really silent. + +My personality? I talk A LOT. I can be very insensitive and agressive. I WILL do everything I need to be better than whoever is around me. I want to be prettier, the nicest, the funniest, the sweetest, the most intelligent. But that takes constant control. So when I lose it, I go fucking rogue. + +I have a VERY hard time controlling what I say cause my impulse control is absolutely shit. I don't know what to do. Cause that's when people start to lose respect toward me. And that's also when people start to despise me. I want to avoid it as much as possible cause my new job is my dream job and I've been doing amazing until now. + +I don't want to ruin it by literally being myself and blunt. When I'm blunt, the things I say are inexact and stupid. + +What can I do? + +Counting to 3 before speaking is impossible, I can't do it. I forget about it as soon as I enter the world...",Bipolar +50413,"Happiness After 15 years of misery, trying countless meds, being hospitalized multiple times, enduring 4 suicide attempts, I have achieved happiness and peace. My life is not perfect, there are things I still want to acheive. But the old me is gone. I am no longer a slave to the conventional desires of life. I want to spend the remaining time studying religion, philosophy, and happiness. And no I am not going to quit my day job.",Bipolar +46496,"Question about lithium and possible secondhand effects? Hello, + +I don’t know if this is the right subreddit, but I am hoping someone knows what I’m talking about because I’m super frustrated and I tried to ask my doctor but they don’t know the answer either. + +Basically, my partner has been on lithium the day we met, and ever since meeting them, I’ve had frequent breakouts, patches of eczema emerging and rashes all over my body. My period has also been coming late every month since meeting them and I have ALWAYS been regular and on time. And now I’m starting to have these pinkish bumps on my face (not pimples I think.. blood would come out if I squeezed them) and their acne has also been getting a lot worse too. I’ve never had such a big reaction to anything before and I’m highly suspecting it’s their medication because I don’t know what else it could possibly be.. (we tried to switch soaps and detergents etc) They said that their previous partners never complained about any skin problems or etc but they only started lithium when they met me. + +Are secondhand effects possible from lithium? Has anyone else’s partners experienced the same thing or am I being paranoid?",Bipolar +46830,"Am I ruining my friendships or are they abandoning me? Some suicidal ideations... I moved to a new city in August and immediately made a band of friends in the form of coworkers. I recently left this job for something better and at first they were still there, still able to hang out, etc. But, now the closest one has stopped talking to me, going as far as ignoring me on my birthday when we had made plans to get Banh mi. That’s all I wanted. Still haven’t heard from her, it’s been a month. There’s one who isn’t “too busy or tired” who will go out of their way. In fact, I just saw her this afternoon. But, looking at their Instagram story, I see they met up with two of our mutual friends and went to a place I love and wanted to go to this morning but didn’t have time. I told them this today. What gives? + +I make an effort to make plans but usually, no one wants to do it when it comes time. My partner from out of state was in town and they share the same friends. Only two, a couple, made some time for us during the few days he was here. This also happened before he moved. I’m confused. I stay in my room and do nothing. I’m starting to have suicidal ideations again and panic attacks in bed about dying. So, I feel like I’m a burden and should kill myself to save the torment of existing but the idea of dying petrifies me. Now it’s controlling my sleep. Help. + +In between insurance enrollments so I can’t see a doctor until May. + +Tl;dr: friends have suddenly vanished while I was on my high. It’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to see me and all I do is waste away in my room, wanting to die. ",Bipolar +46294,"Hypomanic and not taking all of my meds... Not only did I miss my therapy appointment last week (I was so busy and I completely forgot because I hadn't been in two weeks due to the holidays), but I never started taking my lamictal like I was supposed to start like 3 weeks ago? Still taking 450mg of Wellbutrin. I feel amazing like really really good even though I am going through a lot of financial stress right now. I'm cleaning and organizing almost all day and I've posted like 40 items for sale on the market place in the last couple of days. I guess this is hypomania and I don't want it to stop. I'm scared of feeling numb. I haven't felt this good for this long in months. But today I got a call from the mental health department at Kaiser saying that the psychiatrist who prescribed me the Lamictal wants a follow up with me in a couple of weeks. Fuck. Should I lie? Be honest? If I'm honest how am I going to justify my decision? Either way I'm going to feel so ashamed, but I don't regret my decision right now. ??",Bipolar +49649,Can hardly afford medication I was recently switched from Latuda (which was free with my insurance) I was switched to lurasidone for some reason and it’s 100.00. There’s no way I can actually afford this and I’m doing so well it’s just so upsetting I don’t know what to do.,Bipolar +49658,"What life stressors threw y’all into a recent episode? Mine in 2022 - bought a house in February/ same month husband got into motorcycle accident and broke his leg, had to handle the logistics of the move myself - while working part time. Moved into new house, son had a seizure shortly after. Decided to get a new job while husband attended physical therapy, then found out husband was switched to nights. I then switched my job again to accommodate his hours, didn’t see each other often and I wasn’t going to bed until 12 am when I got off work at 11:30pm. + +July-December I was out of my mind. Hospitalized at end of November.",Bipolar +46950,"How the hell do you clean/organize?! I can not for the life of me get my room in order. I have all these plans for it for after I get it cleaned and get rid of a bunch of clutter and clothes (need summer clothes and more professional ones for a new job in the summer).... I refuae to buy more clothes before going through and donating at least half of what I have. + +But I cant freaking get myself to do anything! I keep it decent (no food or trash), but the clutter and clothes is overwhelming. I leave early and get home late because of my insane class/internship/work schedule and by the time I get home, my vyvanse wore off (I have bipolar 2 and ADHD, just started vyvanse this month...). + +How the hell do you get yourself to do these things when youre either depressed or just not hypomanic... and I even keep common areas clean almost religiously (I have roommates). + +Ugh. ",Bipolar +49669,"i just want to be happy and I want to make my partner happy I don't know why Im like this, I love my partner more than anything and i can't think rationally, i can't communicate well, I;m so scared that they're plotting against me or they're going to get tired of my episodes and break up with me, or find me just so, so unbearable. I can't even ask for help from them because how am I meant to say this in a way that will show them that I love them and I'm not accusing them, and I'm not crazy and I just want to have control over myself and my emotions and my thoughts. I just want to feel happy, I want to stop making everyone miserable, I want to be in on the joke that everyone else around me is in on. I feel so scared and angry and confused",Bipolar +45398,"Unable to stop talking to myself- any ideas/experiences? Hey all- I know this has come up on here before, but I find that particularly in times of anxiety, I cannot stop myself from saying things out loud. They aren't even my thoughts, necessarily- they're just parts of conversations, random sentences, etc. I sound insane. I'm at home for the holidays and it's starting to confuse my family, who don't know about my diagnosis. What have your experiences with this been? /has anything in particular helped you? ",Bipolar +46848,"I hurt someone today It's said that those you push away the hardest, and still somehow fight to remain should be cherished, and I do cherish you. Even though sometimes my actions speak otherwise, deep within, it's undoubtebly clear that some people can weather the storm and when I can actually speak out, it's just to confirm my misguided reality that consumes me whole that no, I am not alone, and that to be alone is sometimes even my greatest desire, and that I suffer to espouse that truth, and revert to a sequence of events that could very well led to a reality and truth, different from my desires, to become intertwined— and it's scares me. And yet, through those moments I leave behind everything, and continue on my merry way as if actions don't continue to have consequences that are severe and just stubbornly maintain my path without a single thought of those outside my bubble, and thus greatly alienate those that only care and support. It's just not fair. It's my greatest burden and yet I unfurl as if it's just and nebulously accept that I can't escape; but, somehow I pester on incesstantly able to change my direction and yet I can't, and sometime the act of several conjoined inactions are my closest held resolve and action. I feel like a taker that returns little and some will have me believe it isn't my fault, but how can it not be, how convient that I can absolve myself thoroughly and just continue wistfully.",Bipolar +49647,"Wrong medicine So I shared in my first post here that my Dr put me on Latuda to help control my Bpd symptoms. I went 3 days with it, nothing major had the Hypersalivation that's listed and some good sleep (finally). + +Then my body seemed to betray itself, violently getting sick to the point of dehydration and muscle cramps that took surgical grade narcotics to calm my body down from. + +Turns out I am 1:150 that have a sensitivity to one of the ingredients in the medicine. I have now been switched to Vraylar, tonight is day 1. Hopefully it helps silence the million voices in my head and let's me sleep and keeps me from having any violent side effects. + +Sorry if I'm just rambling on, Ive noticed this is one of the safer places to talk about these things without judgement or being approached by the ""Internet Dr.s"".",Bipolar +45929,"Differences between bipolar 1 and 2? So a week ago my therapist told me I was displaying symptoms of bipolar disorder and at the time he thought I was manic -- with that being said, what are the differences between bp1 and 2 other than hypomania and mania? And how can I tell the difference between a manic episode and a hypomanic episode?? I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week (two, actually -- trying to see if I should switch), and I'm kind of??? Really confused. +I'm not sure if when my therapist said manic he meant hypomanic, or if it was just an assumption and I shouldn't even be here. +I'm just struggling with figuring this out..",Bipolar +49613,"I am not well I'm having a very hard time. It's bad enough that people are staring at me in public with concerned looks on their faces. + + +I'm making total strangers uncomfortable just by my presence.",Bipolar +46722,"Season Change Mood Flux Hello, I'm Bipolar 1 with SAD as well. Is anyone else currently experiencing bouts of Stability, Anxiety, Depression and Confidence. I've been relatively stable for the past year. This is the most indecisive and confused I've been in quite some time. I'm hoping it's the season change. + +300mg of Lamotrigine + +1.5mg of klonopin + +20mg of Lexapro + +&#x200B; + +Thanks for listening!",Bipolar +45434,"Amphetamines And Bipolar I have heard the EXTREMELY rare cases of someone having bipolar being prescribed Adderall. It helps with motivation, sense of well being, focus etc. + +But, I can only imagine that it could easily send one into mania. Any experiences or opinions?",Bipolar +46362,Melatonin Has anyone tried this (in combination with other meds)?,Bipolar +49672,"Are things going to get any better? So... I usually don't post anything on Reddit, but here we go. + +About eight months ago, I was diagnosed with BP2. I've struggled with mental health issues all my life (anxiety, depression) and developed PTSD at a pretty young age. After a few years of fluctuating emotions I went to see a psychologist, and I got my diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with asperger's syndrome back in 2019. + +I've been on a mood stabilizer (lamictal) since I was diagnosed, and it's made things easier for me, but exam season (last year of high school) is coming up and I lowkey feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm experiencing mixed moods every other week, I can't really sleep anymore, and every day I'm torn between ignoring everyone around me, freaking out, or acting friendly, because I know I shouldn't take my own mental illness out on anyone. I'm either tired, stressed, occasionally productive, or filled with a kind of self-loathing and sadness that I can't even begin to describe. I'm worried I'll be thrown straight into a depressive episode soon, because stress is my biggest trigger. Very few people (two of my friends and my immediate family) know that I'm bipolar, and I don't even want to tell **them** about how I feel right now. I think a lot of people on here can relate to that crushing feeling that you're a burden to your loved ones, even when they tell you you're not. I considered the possibility that things might get better if I told someone, but I just don't have the energy, and I don't want to let people in because I'm ashamed that I'm losing control. Explaining how I feel to someone is difficult (asperger's, yay) and there aren't many people I trust with my emotions. The people I trust are the ones I don't want to burden. + +I wanted to ask, does it get any easier? Not to board the self-pity train or anything, but I'm not even 20, and thinking about the future terrifies me. I don't want to fall apart and fake that I'm okay every time a problem arises. I don't want to isolate myself because I'm scared of affecting people. I don't want to experience all these episodes over and over again. I just... don't know what to do right now. + +Also, if anyone has any advice on how to keep going and staying productive, I'd really appreciate it. <3",Bipolar +45809,"I don’t know how to help my bipolar son. My son suffers from bipolar among other things. I have it too, but mine is much more mild, I think mine is the Cyclothymic one, however, his is Bipolar I. +This week he has had a manic episode, and somehow he is convinced that he needs to fly across the world to “save” his friend from Terrorists. In reality, his friend is on vacation and just has very bad signal so can’t be in touch. He is 16, but stole my credit card to buy tickets, got his passport and is planning on leaving. + When I tried to talk to him, he was convinced that I’m with the “terrorists” that kidnapped his friend. His friend is an adult lady who was his caretaker for a while. I have no clue what to do. He won’t speak to me anymore because I’m evil. He won’t take meds either because he thinks they are poison. He has dropped out of school two years ago and stays at home. I don’t want him to have a record so I don’t want to get the police involved. He doesn’t have a doctor (he got a diagnosis from one but haven’t seen her since). Apparently doctors are evil too. I have no idea what to do.",Bipolar +49755,"Anyone take Asenapine with a CPAP? I have been taking Saphris (Asenapine). For over 10 years and also use a CPAP. One weird thing I have noticed is if I take the Saphris right before putting my cpap mask on, the Saphris doesn’t seem to work as well. I think it’s because the air from the machine dries out my throat and because the med is sublingual, it does not dissolve correctly. Has anyone else noticed this?",Bipolar +50348,No family history? I was just wondering if there are others who have bipolar without any family history? I'm literally the only mentally ill person in my family. It makes me question my diagnosis when the disorder is supposed to be heavily genetic :/. There's obviously something wrong with me and the bipolar diagnosis fits but still.,Bipolar +46891,"Lamictal success stories Does anybody here take lamictal? If so, what dose and how long and can you guys please share your experiences? +Thanks in advance ??",Bipolar +50093,"Can’t take it anymore Today has been one of the worst days in a long time. Out of so many countless times I have wanted to just give up and end it, I kept going. Thought I was getting a loan so I could get out of debt and actually have some money to get things I desperately need since I haven’t worked in over 5 months and have had $0 since. I recently got a lawyer to try and get SSI and last week I finally found out how to apply for General aid since months ago the welfare office wouldn’t tell me how to and kept saying they only had it for families. So the loan company that pretty much got all of my info and bank turned out to be scammers and Citibank is absolute trash and their fraud department is shit. So if I wasn’t already experiencing enough stress and severe depression life decided to give me that too. Then today Sunday I have been looking forward too because I was finally going to see my FwB that I haven’t seen in quite some time and I really like him/fallen for him. And even more excitement was besides just hooking up he invited me to AX throwing so I just felt so giddy but he informed me tonight that he had to cancel due to something about his ex/custody issues. So here I am completely broken in every way and tired to keep living. I really can’t keep trying/going. I need to get off of this ride called life…. 😞",Bipolar +45971,"Your first honest realization: I am bipolar / I have bipolar (depending on your preference) This is what I’ve been going through for the last several weeks. All the signs have been there since I first tried to kill myself at age 12. The mental health professionals declared it so when I was 15 in a lockdown, but denial runs deep in my family. Anyhoot, an official diagnosis will be coming soon, I’m 99.9% sure of it and 0.1% hopeful I’m just an asshole. + +That said, it would be nice to hear how other people felt or what was going on when they had their first honest realization about being bipolar, be it before or after an official diagnosis. Thank you in advance, this sub has been helpful. ",Bipolar +50529,"I started Wellbutrin yesterday I can't tell if it's placebo or not but I already feel slightly more productive. Finally got around to renewing my library card, I've been meaning to for the past 3-5 weeks but got discouraged when I had called on a day they were closed and didn't feel like doing it even when I knew they were open. I'm also playing more of my video games, even though it was only 2 games, it's still a huge step for me. I'm excited to see my hobbies come back. Hopefully I'll finally go outside on a walk on my own eventually, it's been a few years + +I'm also taking Lithium, which used to work for my depression. I've pretty much been taking only Lithium for the past 5 years and never thought I'd see the day I add another pill. I'm glad I wasn't scared about taking something new either",Bipolar +47074,Lithium Acne Oh my god has anyone been on lithium and had it cause acne? I’ve been on it for about 6 months and the acne side effect is just evil. Which really sucks bc it’s been working really well for me. Does anyone have any acne (severe cystic acne) tips?,Bipolar +46124,"Latuda nausea I've been taking Latuda for a few months and had a little bit of nausea here and there but the last couple of days it's really begun to upset my tummy. I had to take an odansetron tonight to stop myself throwing up and even then I still feel quite ill. + +I know this is a pretty common side effect, I was just wondering if anyone has any tips? It has to be taken with 350 calories, is there any food I could take it with that would lessen the nausea? ",Bipolar +49543,"Overwhelming sense of death I have this overwhelming sense that I'm going to die soon. It's not a fear, I just... like. This is it. This is where it ends. + + +I have no idea why but I cannot shake it. + + +Should add I also am starting to get the like.... weird staticy feeling I start to get when the psychosis symptoms start to play up",Bipolar +50375,"Upgraded ADHD Based upon recent memes I made the 200% upgrade to my ADHD, which is now known as AD4K. This choice has been sponsored by my good friends hypomania and anxiety. Also I would like to thank my good friend and worst enemy caffeine addiction. + +No focus. Brain go woooooo. + +Anxiety is super overwhelming, sensory input is cranked up, and so are my emotions. This is the worst feeling ever! I love it! + +Later today I think I'm gonna ask my dad for help with finding a doctor who will actually help me. Maybe try to book an emergency appointment. Right now I'm gonna work on getting some work done and hopefully I can keep this up for a couple hours at least.",Bipolar +45761,"Is lithium *making* me manic or did I forget what good feels like? I have a new doc, and at the same time, new insurance that won't cover Latuda. My old doc hadn't tried lithium for whatever reason, so this new doc is giving it a shot. I'm on a super low dose and while I titrate off the Latuda, he's going to raise it in small increments. + +And I feel great! I'd been in a depressive episode for two weeks and that is out the window. I've been more productive this week than the past two months. I have a renewed sense of energy and positivity, and somehow am less anxious too. + +Am I overreacting? Or is this the start of mania? The thing that's got me a little bugged out is that while I used to wake up groggy and hating the world, I've woken up before my alarm clock went off. Last night, I got an hour less sleep and felt like a million bucks today. + +Also unrelated, but what do you lithium folks do about pain? I used to take 800mg ibprofen for my migraine and now I can't. Tylenol has done jack all for me in the past.",Bipolar +49614,"Tomorrow's another day I'm having a hard time right now. So I picked up my acoustic guitar and just made more noise than was in my head. Then I had to just grab a pen and paper. This is what came out... + +Tomorrow's another day +But tonight may never come +So I sit right here and now +And ponder my meaning to this life +Stru g together like a cats in the cradle string +Night has co.e and I'm full of misery +I don't think I'll ever see the sun again +My tool box scattered across the ground in disarray +I'll be leaving this world +Tho it might not be today +But it's time for the pain to fade +Reaching out to the light +From my own darkness that no one can see +What's it matter if I fade from the light +After all it's only me.. + +I don't have any thoughts of self harm right now. I just had so.e shit built up and the guitar and the writing on paper and here has made me feel so much better. If you're reading just know. You have worth. You're more valuable on this plane than you know. Have a happy day and don't forget to be awesome.",Bipolar +46410,"Has anyone here experienced fatigue with Lamictal/Lamotrigine? I've been on lamotrigine for five years now. I cut my dose in half a little over a year ago because it was killing my immune system - my body could barely fight a cold - and I noticed a spike in my energy then. + +It's getting to the point where I'm really worried I've got chronic fatigue or something. I work from home and don't have any kids, so it's not like I have a super hectic lifestyle or anything. I'm wondering if the lamotrigine might be contributing. Thoughts? Experiences?",Bipolar +49720,I am literally so tired of living like this I am 22f and I have bipolar type 2. I forgot my meds for two days and it triggered a depressive episode and im so pissed at myself because i thought i was doing good. Im so upset. I hate how it always ends back in this crazy headspace. I know its the bipolar but ohmygod this shit sucks so bad. I have to live my whole life with these random episodes of shit. Im tired. Sorry I am ranting. I just want a break for a year or something. Id do anything for relief from this disorder at this point,Bipolar +46353,Topamax side effects I have been on it for over 6 months and I've lost so much hair. I got off other meds thinking it was the problem but it's still happening. I looked it up last night and it seems to be a big issue with some. So I decided I'm stopping it because I hardly have any hair left. It's awful. Anyone else experienced hair loss?,Bipolar +49496,"Lamictal and delayed period? Any correlation? I recently got back on lamictal 3/14, I was supposed to get my period a few days ago and so far still nothing. From what I remember the last time I was on lamictal I never had an issues with it affecting my period but things could be different this time around. Has anyone with a uterus experienced a delay in their period as a side affect of lamictal?",Bipolar +50549,"Reading too much in to “signs”? Hey all. The last few days have been really rough so I’m chalking all of this up to just exhausted bipolar brain in overdrive, but I need some advice/help here. For the last few months I’ve been seeing “222” pop up EVERYWHERE. Busses, signs, takeout orders, etc. I’d been telling myself that it was just regular old pattern recognition, up until the last few days. Yesterday, on 3/22/23, my mother passed at 2:22am. Obviously this has just sent me in to a massive spiral of “it was a sign”, and I was hoping others who have experienced similar phenomena/thinking has any advice or insight on what this might “mean” or what I can do to get through this. Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.",Bipolar +45649,Latuda and akathisia My Latuda got up to 120 mg a few days ago and I'm suffering from terrible agitation and I can't stop moving my feet up and down. Is this akathisia? And will this side effect go away or do I have to treat it with propranolol or something?,Bipolar +50550,"I've started drawing again for the first time in 5 years. I just wanted to share! After being hospitalized for a Mixed Episode in 2020, I felt like a blank slate. I had gotten so dysfunctional to the point that I gave up on writing and drawing. I'm still learning who I am, but for the first time in my life, I want to be alive.",Bipolar +46553,"Anyone here overcome Amphetamine abuse during depressions? I haven't used since last year, but I'm in a depression now. The cravings have been building over the last month, pretty severe cravings. I'll have anxiety attacks just thinking about it. The depression's making me tired, unmotivated, and well, depressed. I go to AA and NA meetings, but the meetings themselves don't help when I'm in depressions. It's like my body's craving the instant euphoria and dopamine if I go score. It really does help my depression temporarily and I'm able to quit fairly easily when summer comes from hypomanic energy, but I don't want to use because I know the stuff is dangerous. I'm also on meds and they help some, but don't solve it completely. I don't have this problem when the weather is good, summer hypomania replaces the need for stimulants. I have a SAD light lamp that I use maybe every other day, but it's not the same thing as the sun. + +I'm thinking instead of relapsing, I could go see if a 72 hour pysch hold will reset me? Probably not, the weather is still going to be shit and I'll be depressed. Or I could buy a plane ticket to somewhere warm and stay there for a couple months? ",Bipolar +46583,"Started taking Geodon from Risperdal two days ago, was pretty much hypomanic/depersonalized the whole day at work. I'm not really sure if this is a withdrawal symptom from the Risperdal, but if it is, how long would it normally take for the Geodon to take effect?",Bipolar +50005,"Disability through the VA. Hey guys, I live in Tennessee and I’m a veteran. I was wondering if anyone else here is a veteran and has applied for disability through the VA. I know it’s for service related injuries, but I do believe being in the military while I was bi polar negatively affected my mental health and when I got out is when I started having issues.",Bipolar +50535,"Anyone here get the shakes before, during and after visits to therapist? I get shaky due to nerves and ptsd from time to time but I’ve started to notice after my visit to my therapist office that I’m extremely shaky even though I feel fine. Anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +50558,"How bad does it have to be to be considered psychosis? I know I've had at least one episode of what was probably psychosis because I was diagnosed with stress induced psychosis when it was happening. I don't know if that one was bipolar related or not, and I wasn't treated with anything at the time because I was still quite young and the psychiatrist didn't want to intervene with medication. + +However, I've had other symptoms since during what were probably undiagnosed manic or mixed episodes where I've started to believe things that were, retrospectively, pretty weird. Occasionally these beliefs also pop up when I'm very, very depressed. Sometimes I believe these things 100% unquestioningly, and other times I know they don't make sense but worry about them excessively anyway. Sometimes it fluctuates between the two. + +A common one for me is worrying that other people can hear my thoughts, especially if I look at them directly. I also get concerns about people working against me or talking about me behind my back to try to ruin my life. + +Another time I became convinced my childhood home was haunted and that a demon had followed me from there into my daily life. I kept seeing a figure in my room at night and I worried about speaking about him out loud in case he came for me. I still worry about this sometimes, and tbf I'm pretty sure that house really was haunted. My childhood friends and I talk about the weird slightly paranormal stuff that happened there so I'm not alone with that, but my sudden obsession with it was abnormal. + +I told a different psychiatrist about those two a while back and he said it was probably due to a combination of autism and trauma, and that it would likely go away with more EMDR. Since they kind of just left as my mood changed, he was satisfied that his therapy had worked. + +I had another one where I decided I was actually naturally nocturnal and that other people were interfering with that to purposefully make me sick and stop my plans. I completely flipped my sleep schedule for several weeks (although admittedly I wasn't sleeping very much anyway), and then fought with all my family and friends about it. + +At one point I also became very worried that other dog walkers were all talking about me on Facebook and were plotting to take my dog away. + +Another time I was certain I was dying of some horrible illness and all the medical professionals I saw weren't treating me on purpose because they wanted me to die. (I really was sick though, but the level of paranoia was weird). + +I was still somewhat functional while all of these were happening, and I wasn't hearing voices or anything for the most part. So does it really count as anything serious? Because it didn't seem that bad to me, and my family just kind of ignored it since they'd been told that the episodes were stress related and it was best not to engage. I've never told a psychiatrist about all of the thoughts because I didn't view them as relevant; until recently, I just thought they were a part of life and it was something I did when I got stressed. + +TLDR; at what point does it cross the line into actual psychosis vs ""being paranoid and having weird thoughts""? + +I'm going to be starting medication for the first time soon if all goes well. My current psychiatrist is talking about putting me on antipsychotics, but idk if these episodes are really bad enough to warrant taking an antipsychotic. I've been reading about the drugs and they sound like heavy duty stuff, and I can't tell if, for me, it's really necessary. I think I'd rather try another type of mood stabilising medication first. I don't know how I feel about all of this.",Bipolar +49559,"Brain Fog/Memory Loss First time poster, still trying to figure out Reddit. My friend recommended this app once I got my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 last year. I’m 29, diagnosed at 28. + +Ever since my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I have been suffering from serious short term memory loss. I’ve never had the most attentive brain but before I started taking my medication/had someone to talk to I remembered things too well if that makes sense. + +For example: my fiancé and I were talking last night and I pulled out my calculator and typed one number in and then all of a sudden I couldn’t remember what we were talking about 2 minutes prior. Then I asked what we were talking about and he gave me the most concerned look. I know he isn’t mad at me but worried. It’s happening so often I’ve started writing everything down. Like everything, conversations, tasks, reminders, messages I need to reply back to. It’s getting ridiculous. + +I’m currently taking Busprion 15 mg 3x a day, Hydroxyzine 50 mg 3x a day, Aripiprazole 10 mg 1x a day, and Buspar 150 mg 1x a day. + +Also, I work a very high stress job. I am a program coordinator for a low barrier homeless shelter. We deal with death, ODs, fights, assault of staff, rape allegations. It’s rough. Maybe this info will help? Idk. I just wanna know if it gets better or if I’ve given myself permanent brain damage.",Bipolar +46279,"Seroquel question I was just put on 50mg starting out and was told to take 1/2 before bed. I know everyone is different but from anyone’s experience, what should I expect good and bad. ",Bipolar +46940,"Lamictal making me hypomanic I've been taking lamictal for bipolar depression and it's working great in that aspect but I can't sleep now. I have night sweats and I can't stay asleep for more than 2 hours at a time at most. After awakening from about 5 to 6 hours of disturbed sleep I still feel amazing and energized. And in addition to that I have a slightly raised anxiety level which leaves me randomly sweaty all over sometimes during the day. + +&#x200B; + +Would Tegretol, lithium or gabapentin be a good medication to mention to my psych when I visit them next? I mean I'm just fishing for options because I don't want to take APs but I still obviously need something for the manic side of things. I should mention I have a similar experience on anti depressants because they make me unable to sleep without pills so I'm starting to think I will need something for mania and depression.",Bipolar +45475,"Catastrophic anxiety + panic anyone? Anxiety in itself isn’t new for me but this is next level. + +From my own mortality to the plane I’m flying on crashing/hijacked, to the car crashing and bursting into flames with my children inside while only I escape, to terrorist attacks in a city McDonalds... it’s becoming a huge problem. I get so carried away in the thought of whatever scenario I am picturing that I get to high panic really easily and I can’t talk myself down easily and hit a benzo as needed. I’m going overseas in 6 months and the “I can’t go. This will happen” has already started. + +Anyone else? Fuck this. I haven’t had this in my life for over 10 years and have no idea how I got over it back then. + +(Am in therapy, don’t have an appointment for another month)",Bipolar +45545,What treatment worked for your bipolar depression? Title...,Bipolar +50617,"I'm spiraling out of control and being diagnosed with a deadly virus, with a cure that costs $70k-90k. I'm splitting on everyone I know and actively trying to make my situation worse that way I can't come back from it.. (bipolar 2 + BPD) A week and a half ago I was diagnosed with hepatitis c. A deadly virus that costs about $70,000-$90,000 to cure. (I work an entry level retail job and can't afford it) + +This diagnosis caused me to go from feeling on top of the world, and stable, to actively wanting to die, feeling that nobody wants me around or loves me, and splitting on everyone around me. + +Today I told the people I'm close to that I'm suicidal, and then I blocked them all. + +I don't want relationships anymore. I always let people down, and I don't feel like anybody ""needs me"". I genuinely don't want to be close to anyone again, because either I get let down, or I let them down, or I push them away. + +It's only going to be a matter of time before I am fired from my job, and I'm homeless. I don't have any food, as I don't have a car or a way to get it, and I'm miserable. + +I've been writing ""letters"" if you get what I'm saying. And I've been planning things out in my head.. + +I feel like this isn't something I can pull myself out of. + +Even if I did manage to start feeling better, I'd still me an unwanted outcast with a deadly, contagious virus. I hate myself, I hate my life.",Bipolar +50345,"exhausted and venting so i know this wasn’t a good idea, but after about 8 months of taking my medication regularly (lexapro, lamictal, and abilify) i stopped taking them cold turkey. i stopped seeing my psychiatrist because it felt like a chore but i do see my therapist regularly. for a while after stopping my medication i started drinking every single night to get rid of the uneasiness i felt and just to help me sleep. drinking really became a nasty habit for me. one night after work i took it too far, i’ve had problems with a. toxic relationship for a while and while at work he ended up blocking me out of spite and i didn’t care much because i knew i would just go home and a have a drink. but , that night i came home and got so drunk i started getting super paranoid that someone was watching me and i was crying and i guess talking on the phone so loudly my mother came to check on me. (i’m 19 and still live with my parents) but i was upset because she started questioning if i was drunk and said to hang up the phone but i told her i was finally happy and i don’t remember much from that night but apparently the next day my mom told me tht i got violent with her and threatened to “beat the fuck out of her” if she didn’t leave me alone. anyways, because of that night i haven’t had any access to alcohol, and i’m proud of myself for sticking to that because i would even drink at my boyfriends house and he could get me drinks if i wanted but i’ve been good with it and the only substance i put in my body is nicotine now. + +but now that i’ve been good with that stuff, i’ve become angry, and i pick fights with whoever’s around me, i get violent and suicidal thoughts and im at a point where i feel worthless. i don’t think my environment is helping me. i dropped out of college and i know my parents are disappointed in me. because of my mental health it’s been hard for me to get a job, and now i have a part time in the mall and it’s a really good environment and very distracting. however my dad is on my case about how it’s not a real job and i’m pretty much useless in the house and i don’t contribute to anything. i want to respect him and do more, but it’s hard to be in a house where everyone is depressed and projects their issues. my mother is also bipolar but is always giving me advice she can’t take. i know it’s not easy having a kid who’s bipolar, but it seems like they don’t even try to understand me. everyday i wake up and feel so stuck. i feel like i don’t have a place here. even my hardest isn’t enough. + +i don’t want to be here anymore. im tired and angry. i have no interest in anything anymore other than sex and work because it at least distracts me. + +also my cat too, she’s the reason why i wake up every morning. other than that, i have no interest in doing anything with my life. i don’t care about anything and i never have really. i’m tired but here i am at 2 in the morning unable to sleep because i’m burdened by my thoughts.",Bipolar +46572,"Help with potentially changing psychiatrists? Hello all, + +I was diagnosed as BPII a little over a year ago and began seeing a psychiatrist not long after. Personally I think the world of my psychiatrist. But I am still struggling a lot. At times I feel like we've made no progress. Dealing with the illness has been a long, difficult learning experience that has also been painful at times. I know that it can potentially take years to find the right combination of medications. So I've tried to keep this in mind through all the medication adjustments and changes. I'm beginning to lose hope that there is a drug or a combination of them that will allow me to function like a (mostly) normal person. I've talked with my therapist about getting a second opinion on the medication side. But I just don't know how to have that conversation with my psychiatrist. This is a new situation for me and I'm really conflict-avoidant.",Bipolar +45708,"My ex boyfriend is bipolar. asking for opinion We broke up 3 months ago. I knew form the start about his state and I tried to inform myself about his disorder so I could better reach to him. At first we met he was in relathionship and I didn't knew that. We were just acquaintances, but we liked each other. He had that conversation with me, that he likes me and that he is in relathionship with that girl for one year and I told him that he shouldn't reconsider breaking up a serious relathinship just because he likes someone (in that case me) and after that it passed one month. We didn't had contact. + +Suddenly he showed up and it looked like he broke up. He told me that he is free and that he felt nothing for that girl, so we started dating. He looked really really in love with me and I sstarted to love him. We had a great relathionship and everything went just perfect. but for one year. Than he had that ""cold waves"", we called that state like that. As he told me he had for a very long time a big problem with retrospective jelosy. Sometimes it affected on us. And sometimes he had a periods when he, as he said- felt nothing to me, but that he cared for me. I gave him space and tried to understand and wanted him to be free to make decision if he wants to be with me. And our relathionship lasted one year like that. + +He never had a relathionship longer than one year. In our case we lasted for two years. But the second one was filled with all those ""cold waves"" he felt. And the last wave when we broke up I gave him a freedom again, but it seems like now that he really choose to move on and it looks like he really don't love me. + +He made an instangram page and now after 3 months of break up he posted a photo with a new girlfriend. I can guess he behave a little bit strange and that he is just in his mood swing. But we were perfect match in everything else. We got along very well. I feel like he is my true soulmate, despite his strange behaviour. + +Now I just reconsider if he ever really loved me? And maybe I supposed to be more dedicated and try harder to keep us together? Maybe I could do something to keep him close? But I was affraid to be intrusive with him and insisting to be together. I choose to give him freedom. Did I done the right thing? What do you think?",Bipolar +46326,Treatment for bipolar depression Ive been diagnosed with bipolar. I struggle with psychosis primarily in the form of delusions. They tell me this is mania even though i dont experience the typical symptoms like endless energy. Well ive been put on a latuda (an antipsychotic) and depercote to combat the delusions. My problem is im horridly depressed now. I spoke to my doctor about what we can do for depression and he said whatever treatment we pick its going to be a long time till it works. My question is what treatments have been effective for managing your bipolar depression? This is a long battle thats starting to feel unsurmountable. Any input would be greatly appreciated. ,Bipolar +49584,"Free mood tracking/habit apps Hey guys, I’m looking for a new app to use. I’ve been using Habitica which is fun af (makes tasks into a kinda game and you level up your character etc) + +But found this isn’t as helpful, as you can’t track your mood or feelings which is obvs important to us. + +I wonder, is there an app that helps with habits AND mood? I have limited storage and can’t afford a new phone rn, so two apps takes up a lot of room as opposed to one 😌 thanks in advance and look forward to your responses",Bipolar +45685,"Best jobs/majors for those with bipolar? Im so lost as to what I want career wise. + +Edit: right now I'm a Environmental Control major (HVAC). It's okay but I seem to overthink and zone out a lot in class so I'm in fear of not passing. ",Bipolar +50129,"I draw better when i'm hypomanic My eyes hurt, this is now my 5th piece in two days.. i guess i could be doing much worse things right now, at least im improving at something :D",Bipolar +45448,"How long did it take to be diagnosed (uk) I am starting to write a mood diary before I go to my GP and beg to be looked at. + +I have throughout my life had what I think is bipolar. I'll have wonderful drive for a month or two and then over a day (sometimws) I'll go into a deep depression for months. It just happens and then I'll go back to feeling like I can take on the world etc. Rinse and repeat. + +During my highs I have enrolled on courses (which I've paid for £1k+) and I'll do them and then I'll get into my depressive episode and that's the end of the course. I am hard to live with during my lows and fun (but irritable) when I am high. + +I should add though I do have some reprieve sometimes I just feel ""fine but that's few and far between.",Bipolar +50343,"Bipolar and Relationships Has anyone else’s bipolar wrecked their relationship? I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features and I found out about it a year and a half ago. I also was also very recently diagnosed with C-PTSD due to an abusive childhood. I had a partner that I absolutely adored but after a huge life stressor I started to experience psychosis and paranoia and broke up with him because I strongly believed he was plotting against me and planning to hurt me. I then went through a series of depressive and manic episodes following the break up. When I finally got stabilized I reached out to him hoping to rekindle only to find out he had moved on with a girl who probably isn’t a complete psycho like I am. I wasn’t as good a girlfriend as I could’ve been either because of my unstable moods and lack of energy/ basic life skills/ girlfriend experience, I wish I could do it all over again and just really show him how much I loved him. It just tears me up inside, I miss him so much, I’m sure he hates my guts. It honestly makes me want to stop living because I miss him so much. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else who can handle my craziness. I’m unlovable :(",Bipolar +46927,"Mentioning disability on job application? I've been out from work for 7 months on disability related to my bipolar diagnosis. My current workplace is terrible and I'm not looking forward to my impending return. I was looking at applying to different jobs, and there's a section, like the section asking if you're a vet, asking if you have a disability. I would have never considered my bipolar as a disability, but this time it gave me pause because I am actually on disability leave lol. Does anyone report their mental health as a disability? Even without having to divulge details? Do you think this might later help if I need a reasonable accommodation at that job? + +",Bipolar +50184,"Acne help? I've been on lithium and olanzapine for a few months, and I've developed bad acne and spots on my cheeks that I'm really self-conscious about. I used to have such clear skin. I use a benzoyl peroxide spot treatment and a salicylic acid face wash once a day. Anyone have other acne tips? My psychiatrist suggested I see a dermatologist, but I'd want to try something else first.",Bipolar +50441,"I feel like im so much for my bf Idk i feel like he has to go through so much shit to just be with me, he has to handle my highs and lows, remind me and convince me to take my meds all the time, i feel like he could have gotten any other ""normal"" gf... + +But u know what? He says he loves me unconditionally, he supports me in both my highs and lows, he genuinely cares about me, sometimes i wonder how a broken girl like me got so lucky? + +Any guy or girl would have ran as soon as they heard me say i can cure depression... but he didn't he just tried to ground me in reality, and ofc recommend i go to the psych ward which i eventually did. + +Just thought i'd post something a little bit more positive this time around. + +I'm happy",Bipolar +45559,"Best meds for me, I guess Lithium was the best out of all the ones I took. Lithium 1200mg with either abilify or Latuda. Took it for about 5 years, but it did make me...numb. I was just content with everything, no matter how good or bad things were, I was in a cloud where nothing really affected me. And it kinda sucked, to be honest with you. Everyone around me was fine with me because I became this nice, stable, soft-spoken woman who never really complained about anything. Well, I decided to come off my meds about a year and a half ago because I didn’t want to live that way for the rest of my life. I wanted to feel again. Feel something, anything. And long story short, I quit my job because I realized I was miserable there, lost some friends, but gained some too. I have ups and downs, but I can feel again. At least for now, I won’t be going back on meds. Fuck that. + +Anyone else decided to go off their meds and what has been your experience?",Bipolar +45776,I hate being manic I don’t want to be around Anyone. I’m having early warning signs of mania and I feel obnoxious I feel really high key and I don’t want people to see me like this because it’s so unlike how I normally am. I live with my partner and I feel so guilty that they have to be subjected to me When I’m like this. I’m lucky enough to have a job where I’m able to hide it from my supervisors and I have no coworkers. My family will likely catch on soon. I just want to disappear until I feel normal again. ,Bipolar +50064,"Caffeine!? I am 26 (F) who has been recently diagnosed with BD. I am figuring out how am I with it, what are my triggers, ways to cope and live with it. +I have noticed that when I am agitated, low on concentration and focus coffee puts me back on track. Of course it triggers anxiety that's a down side but the boost that it gives to my thinking ability is something. +I cannot stop talking about my ideas, my thoughts and views on things after it. (This post is a result of it too) + +Now, my question is since I am new to all this. Is feeling like this okay or coffee triggers my mania and I should completely stop having it. + +Ps: I have read on the internet that caffeine is bad for people who have BD.",Bipolar +46688,"In a bout of mania and can’t sleep. This just made it for me. “Everybody hurts.” (Post in comments) https://youtu.be/sSOCIxu2FPI + +“Everybody hurts” +To have to wake up everyday and value your worth and self is a struggle on its own. I applaud every person with a mental illness and it’s an ABSOLUTE struggle to make your every day life “normal.” I hate that word (normal) but it is used so frequently. An illness that is not apparent to every day society is still an illness. I am so thankful that people have an outlet to a place like Reddit for emotional support. I appreciate you guys and I hope you guys understand the impact that this community has had on a lot of different people. Just keep humble and amazing and keep humanity going. Everybody hurts and you are worth it. Keep swimming with this. I’ll swim with you. All the way.",Bipolar +46632,"I used amphetamines to trigger mania. So I have bipolar II and since I started medication (mood stabilizers with ssri's that supposedly affect the noradrenaline (don't know the correct english term) just like stimulants) +Since I started this I managed to pull out of my cannabis addiction, alcohol problem and get my grades up. + +Last year I tried elvanse (active substanse lisdex(in swedish) amphetamine on two occasions and it triggered a full blown mania episode for a solid month. Like not even hypomania, mania. + +Today I did the same but I could only get my hands on normal street amphetamines, I snorted around 0.3g of it on different occasions between 07:00 and 13:30, where I snorted 0.2g. The effect should wear off around 21:30. Should I expect the same thing? + +I am very careful when it comes to this, and I know it's a bad idea just talking about the substance itself. But how bad is this, could this lead to developing bipolar I? I had a much worse deppressive period during autumn than I usually do. The same duration but worse and it led to drug/alkohol problems when I first started ssri without mood stabilizers. + +I am certain this period was because the stimulant even though I only used it twice during spring when I didn't have any medication. But could this be remedied by just using this substance every couple of month and keeping my regular medications? + +",Bipolar +49632,"How am I supposed to look forward in life? TW: Depression, nihilism, addiction, etc. + +Hi all, I’m really sorry if this post triggers anybody, please don’t read if you’re prone to being triggered by content relating to depression/despair. + +With that in mind, how the fuck am I supposed to be excited about living the rest of my life? I’m only 23 years old, and I’m so goddamn tired. The older I get, the more acutely aware I get of just how wrong my brain is. I try so hard, and it can’t be fixed? As we all know. I’m on medication, but in a few months I’ll be off my moms insurance and I CANNOT afford private insurance. I know everyone says we NEED to be on meds, and I agree. I need to be on meds. But staring down the barrel right now, I know I cannot and will not be able to just a while from now. And I hate this fucking disorder so much, because all it does is lie to you. I can’t trust my happiness or my sadness or my apathy. I am genuinely so exhausted of managing these feelings, and it gets worse every year as I get more and more compounded “adult” stress. How am I supposed to want to go on like this? And no I am not at risk of ending my life, I have too much guilt and shame to think of doing that to my family, but that just compounds the pain of existing for no reason beyond obligation. How do you all do it? Why do you all do it? Literally any input or advise or comment is appreciated to help me feel maybe just a little less alone, sorry for being so whiny.",Bipolar +46619,"Tired of mania and I just want it to stop I’ve been in a mixed episodes I guess since around December with about a month of hypomania preceding it. Right now I feel stable but I’m all over the place. I was switched from latuda to vraylar in December, and my doctor added 1 mg klonopin up to 2x a day and 100 mg trazodone. My meds I’m still on, and was on before is 500mg depakote 3x a day, lexapro 5 mg, and temazepam 30 mg. So I’m on a lot of meds and I was putting a lot of faith into trying this vraylar since it’s supposed to treat mixed episodes, and some of my symptoms have dissipated or gone away like I’m not as physically and mentally agitated, and my thoughts have slowed a bit, but I’m still having these outbursts of rage where I feel completely out of control and aggressive, and then I feel shame and embarrassment because I have no impulse control when, and leading up to these outbursts, and before. I had to move back home with my mom a couple weeks ago because I quit/was sort of pushed out of my job in December because my episode was escalating and I couldn’t manage my caseload. My boss was a social worker and said she’d call me in January to see if I was ready to come back to work and she never did so I just figure that my job I’ve built my career around is now just obsolete because of my circumstances for leaving. I blew all my savings in December and January by going on a trip to Vegas and then other stupid shit. + +I’m not hearing things anymore like I was, but my thoughts are disorganized and I’m not sure if my thinking is accurate. I ruined most of my relationships with people within a few weeks in December, so I’ve been isolating myself from the people I do know, but I still keep putting myself in not-so-ideal circumstances with people I don’t really know or really care to be around if it weren’t for the impulse to do some of these things. I don’t know why I can’t control this. The klonopin and trazodone aren’t cutting it for sleep. I’m supposed to use the klonopin and temazepam and trazodone together, but apparently there’s been a shortage of temazepam so I haven’t been able to fill that since early December. + +My therapist and psychiatrist have been trying to keep me out of the hospital, but I’m starting to feel crappy and just kind of weak feeling. I cry nearly everyday, which is very abnormal for me, and I feel like I can’t eat so my body’s starting to feel like shit. + +My therapist brought up the prospect of ECT today. I’m 25 and the thought that I’m already having to escalate to even having that kind of conversation was terrifying to me. I know it has advanced over the years, but it’s still kind of scary. She also said if I don’t seem better next week she’s probably going to hospitalize me. I’m so exhausted from it all and tired of going several nights with no sleep that I don’t care anymore, but I think that means I probably don’t need to go then. I also read relapses happen within a year for most people even with successful ECT treatments. I’m just feeling so worthless. + +Has anyone had ECT treatments? Did it actually help? Or just any advice in general? + +Thanks ",Bipolar +45740,"I'm new here: hello I'm new to reddit in general, but especially new to this sub. I'm 21 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder fairly recently. it explains a lot but also makes so many things more confusing. + +it's meant so much to me to be able to come onto r/bipolarreddit and see so many behaviors, thoughts and feelings i thought made me so alone are actually shared by other people. i thought that would annoy me but it's actually such a comfort to know i'm not just completely misdiagnosed and being mislead. + +I'm going to try and frequent here more often. right now i'm in a sort of mixed depressive episode where i'm not completely useless but i can feel myself falling into that... I'm going to try and reach out, even if it's just to strangers on the internet, rather than withdraw completely this time. + +but i also could just be kidding myself and a week from now laugh that i ever even typed this. + +we'll see. either way, thank you for being here.",Bipolar +49562,Dismissive psychiatrist Started latuda awhile ago and I just had my follow up appointment. My memory recall and all around cognitive abilities have declined significantly. I have anxiety and fears that I've never experienced. (Fear of death etc). You know what my psych told me? These aren't things common with latuda. He told me that I need to get tested for obstructive sleep apnea. All of my symptoms point towards that instead of mental illness. What the hell! Ive been on meds since I was 15 and know myself well enough to have awareness of how something is affecting me. I hate how dismissive some doctors are. I'm searching for yet another psychiatrist. I'm so over this.,Bipolar +46323,"Pro’s and Con’s of common medications for Bipolar II? I’m going to likely be on med’s soon, and I want to know: what are the pro’s and con’s of the medications in terms of what it does for you vs the side effects? + +I know that finding the right dosage and medicine is like throwing darts blindfolded, but I just want to have a general idea of the medications before I get started with this process",Bipolar +50225,"Am I triggering my own episodes intentionally, or is this all just one giant episode? Mania is exciting. +When it comes , I embrace it. but am I refusing to let it go because I feel in control? +But am I really, or is this just a delusional sense of stability? + +Will we ever really know if we can trust all of our emotions and comprehension? + +Baffled by life. Constantly.",Bipolar +49531,"food as the main coping mechanism I eat a lot, more after I started my meds. When I am stressed or under pressure I have a big appetite for food like sweets. I eat even more when manic even tho I am not hungry. I think I do it cause I have control over it, but I see now how out of control it has gotten. I gained like 40 kg in 1 year and I am so unhappy with myself. I wish I could loos them kg over night. But the appetite never gets away and I eat again. It is vicious circle.",Bipolar +49730,"Friendships I keep getting into fights with my closest friends and it's almost like I can't help it. I always start them and I always say sorry earnestly after. They know I'm bipolar. My two closest friends aren't talking to me right now and I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of my life. I'm just wondering if y'all can give tips on maintaining close friendships. I'm bipolar 1 btw, not fully stable yet, I'm manic right now and I'm on lamictal and abilify. Was diagnosed almost a year ago.",Bipolar +45555,"How to tell when it is time to call it quits, and also when it is time to try again I've got a lot going on in my life, having just gotten out of my second psychotic episode/hospitalization of the new year, moving to a new apartment, transitioning from school to Real Adult TM 9-5 and other adult stuff, etc. + +I am about to start a full time internship/temp job at an engineering firm, but I am concerned about my ability to perform given that I've only recently come out of an intense episode (and am not even sure if I'm out of the woods fully yet) and am unable to even read a novel atm. So when do I know if it's time to work something out with HR? Do I start and wait for a disaster? + +On the flip side I'm applying to full time jobs following the internship. I've put the applications on hold because I'm an engineer and because of the aforementioned problems I'm really not up to technical interviews right now. + +So for the former when do I bail out, and for the latter when do I start trying again? + +I guess this question is more general than the precise scenarios I listed, I'll of course listen to my supporters irl but I just wanted to get the internet's perspective.",Bipolar +50462,How to make friends when your Bipolar? I’ve tried making friends in the past but it all didn’t went well because Im bipolar. I pushed everyone away during my depressive episodes and contact them when Im manic just to push them away again when Im depress. I find it really hard to maintain relationships. Any advice?,Bipolar +46087,"My friend is bipolar and suicidal, asking for advice Hey + +So a few months ago a good friend of mine, after a night of drinking told me had been planning to kill himself on April 8th but wasn't going to anymore. It is clear he was thinking about this when he was in a low state and he was definitely more manic at that point when we were talking. He has been starting to understand his own ebbs and flows. He texted me the other day after cancelling on me telling me that he was emotionally drained after this past weekend and needed some space. I've made sure he knows I care about him and I am here for him and have tried to be respectful of his space, but also, April 8th is this weekend and I know he is in a depressive state. My only slip up was I messaged him about a possible trip together, but realized that might have been more overwhelming. I want to make sure I see him this weekend. + +It's going to be a rough weekend for me, my great aunt passed away, so her wake and funeral is this Saturday morning. I was thinking of messaging him: + + ""Hey, I'm sorry to be messaging you so much. + +I'm going to be home this weekend and it's kind of looks to be a rough one. It would be really good to see you. I'll be around Saturday night or Sunday if you could swing it."" + +Do you think this will also be overwhelming? Should I just mention I'll be around and not my personal stuff that he might feel like he has to take on? +I don't want to just show up at his house but I'm not above it. Would love your thoughts on how you would either best approach this or how you'd feel most comfortable in his shoes. + +Thanks <3",Bipolar +46532,"Inside sales Does anyone else in here work in sales? It’s hard some days to motivate myself to pound out phone calls and perform how I know I should. Lots of pressure on me to move up quick and it doesn’t help out. Worried I’m going to crash and burn as I progress. Doesn’t help that when I taste success I tend to get manic. + +Sorry for the ramble just curious if anyone else is in sales with BP",Bipolar +46970,"Are we allowed to drink in moderate doses? Hello all, + +I am wondering if we are allowed to drink. My doctor told me that I may use from time to time but he didn't tell a definitite amount. I am wondering about your experience with alcohol? I am on olanzapine, sertraline and lithium. Is it okay to drink one or two glasses of wine or beer once in a while (e.g one or two days a week)?",Bipolar +45788,"Swelling on Zyprexa? Not sure if this is allowed, but curious about a side effect my wife is having. + +She's on 5mg Zyprexa for nausea related to her cancer. + +We've asked the doc already and waiting message back, but does anyone on Zyprexa seem to have a problem with swelling? Her ankles have started up a few days ago along with a few other symptoms, including bloating. + +A lot of the problems seem to hint towards water retention but wanted to know anyone had experience with this.",Bipolar +45469,"Victory Saturday, Goal Setting Sunday, and other topic threads. Hello everyone! + +First off announcements: + +/u/ssnakeggirl, /u/Reaper_of_Souls, and I will be taking over the Small Victory Saturday and Goal Setting Sunday posts, as well as adding a ""Wellness Wednesday"" with the goal of engaging the community more. I'll let /u/ssnakeggirl go into more detail about this possible thread topic. + +We'd like to thank /u/Scurius for doing such a good job with the Victory and Goal setting posts. + +Secondly, we would like to use this post to ask you if there any specific topics you would like to see as threads? + +Let us know what you think!",Bipolar +50224,"What songs hit your soul? Was discussing music on another post, it makes me wonder…. which songs do you listen to when you’re in the depths of this illness? Or experiencing the highs? I always love music suggestions. I’ve found the best artists this way. Share with me lol! + +One song I sing loudly in the shower is 1x1 by Bring Me The Horizon. The lyrics remind me so much of what I go through.",Bipolar +46184,"Ruminating thought lead me to burning bridges. not sure if I did it for them or me... Communication has been difficult for me, it like I get to the first or second chapter of my story before getting cut off. instead of cutting myself again over the pain, I've cut ties. and stressed others. It's time for change. just not sure how much more or where... ",Bipolar +46058,"could i actually be bipolar? I've been diagnosed with OCD (at 14) ADHD (19) Social Anxiety (19) and Depression (14ish), though I had struggled with all of these since I was a kid, but got worse at puberty. I was on Luvox from when I was 14 til 18 (I'm 20 now), just for OCD, and it had a moderate effect on that, sort of helped with my mood but barely touched my social anxiety, but I was stable(ish). Anyways, a year ago I went back after stopping the luvox because my symptoms all came back really bad with OCD and my depression, and the doc pointed out the other issues too. And I was given a Zoloft prescription, but I didn't take it for several months until everything became unbearable. I ended up stopping it after a week though, because I think I became a little manic almost when I took it, I had barely any sleep, full of energy, I was talking really fast (which is an achievement when I already talk fast), I felt amazing, though my head felt like it was about to explode, and then I started to worry that I was going to bite my tongue off (that was OCD), and then I became like scarily numb, and I stopped taking it because I was freaking out. +Point is, the past year, my OCD is much better and I have been in therapy for it, but my depression has just gotten worse, I had an episode at uni and then I dropped out, and I got better when I started fixing my social anxiety and met a guy, then after I broke up with a guy, my depression came back worse than ever, and when I was on Luvox, I got depressed, but these days I have a lot more suicidal thoughts and urges to hurt myself, which are becoming more and more frequent, so I'm going to ask for some antidepressants when I get my ADHD prescription refilled (she has said several times she wants to prescribe Lexapro but I refused). +Anyway, I was remembering what happened when I started the zoloft, and I had read that when people with diagnosed bipolar take antidepressants it can trigger an episode. My question is, is it possible that I do have bipolar and I've just mainly been depressed, or can meds trigger that even if you aren't bipolar? I'm just a little worried I don't want to fuck up my life any further than I have, and I just needed to ramble a bit. + +Sorry it's so long and confusing to read",Bipolar +46759,"What kind of image would you use to illustrate being bipolar? and, what description would you use with that image?",Bipolar +45976,Does anyone else constantly think about the fact that you’re BP and it makes you really depressed all the time because it’s always on your mind? Like you wake up happy then you’re like “oh yeah I’m BP” and then you just keep thinking about it and you end up staying in bed all day getting nothing done,Bipolar +46695,"Anyone else desperately searching for people to bring new ""adventures"" My last hypomanic episode, I met a guy off tinder and we spent pretty much 2 months together everyday. Everyday was a new adventure, lots of alcohol, house parties, clubs, gigs, meeting friends, 4 am walks. So many new environments and experiences, and we pretty much left the house for 14 hours a day and wandered around. And it wasn't all alcohol. Just walking around the streets for hours, talking to new people, watching a new film, going to a new cafe all in a day. Sadly it ended sour. And of course it's not really a healthy way to live. But it felt great to have someone who matched my energy in that state. + +&#x200B; + +I'm now coming out of a depressive episode. I don't know what I am right now, but I am longing for someone to sweep me off my feet and have a 7 day bender with me. I'm this close to redownloading tinder and going out with anyone. As awful as it sounds, I don't even really want to hang out with my existing friends like this. I specifically want someone new, and someone who's going to spend an unhealthy amount of time with me and probably kill their liver with alcohol. I don't know, it just seems more exciting? The idea of watching TV with a friend feels like a band aid. I can't be quiet. I want to dance! I may be in my PJs but if someone I didn't really know invited me.... anywhere right now, I would jump out of bed. + +&#x200B; + +Anyone else feel like they need someone new when (hypo)manic? I really don't think I can be alone if I keep going up and I'm probably going to hang out with anyone I can.",Bipolar +50196,,Bipolar +49591,"Lithium thirst So I started taking lithium extended release about 1.5 months ago, I’m currently on 800mg divided into 2 doses per day, as well as 50mg quetiapine. And The thirst I’m experiencing is INSANE. Every time i drink, i chug the water the way someone would after a marathon. I wake up at least once at night to drink, and obv to go to the bathroom. +What i’m more worried about now is that i’m muslim and we just started ramadan, our fasting month, where we have a 14h period of fasting aka no food or water at all. I tried to drink as much water as i could during the feasting period, i also had juice, soup, yogurt, tea… but i just woke up, and I’m thirsty as helll, and we’re 8 hours away from eating. +Is there ANYTHING i could do to make this easier? Or do i just have to live with it? I don’t want to switch to other meds since these are working nicely for me.",Bipolar +49505,"Do you guys dwell on the past and past interactions? I used to be a cosmetologist, and for a while was really good at it until this illness drug me into the depths of hell, I made a few mistakes when I was at my absolute worst (nothing like them losing all of their hair or anything major) but a couple of years ago I went to pick up a pizza and the girl very angrily said, ""I think you did my hair once."" And all I could say was, ""That must have been a couple of years ago.."" and she said ""Yeah about 3"" and sounded PISSED. I keep replaying this even though I haven't done hair since 2017. It plays over and over in my mind telling me I am worthless. I am now pursuing a career in graphic design and my failure of my hair career (I was fired at Christmas time, they told me we were going to be decorating for Christmas, but instead it was a meeting to fire me...even brought in the owner's father to pray over me...which sent me into a major freak out resulting in an ambulance being called) anyway, my mind keeps replaying the loss of my career that I once was so good at...and telling me what a POS I am and that I won't ever be good at anything again. Do you guys go through this?",Bipolar +50605,"Existing is so hard I don’t even have it bad (except for mental illness obviously) yet being awake is so fucking stressful. I have a supportive family, a great boyfriend, good friends, etc but I still want to be d3ad. Im on Wellbutrin, buspar, Vraylar and klonopin AND IM STILL DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS AND EMOTIONAL. I get they aren’t a cure all and I’d be much worse off meds, but what’s the point if I still can’t function in life?? I can’t work a normal job but I keep getting turned down for disability even though I over qualify. I fucking need money to live a life I don’t even want and I can’t get it. I’m about to explode",Bipolar +45760,"Relationships coming and going with the cycles (x-post from r/bipolar) +*First off, this is a cross post from r/bipolar and I hope that’s allowed! If not, please remove!* + + +Do any of you feel like your interest in relationships comes and goes with your mood swings? I am shit at maintaining (romantic) relationships. It’s like my feelings for a person are *completely* out of my control. I’ll start dating someone new usually when I’m manic, and I’ll be borderline obsessed with them, and then my depression hits and BAM, time to dump them! Suddenly I don’t care about them at all anymore, and that scares me because of course they’re lovely people who have shared in great times with me. But suddenly I don’t want anything to do with them, get out of my life please, thank you. + + +I have managed to retain friendships with a few of these people, but the others I pretty much just booted from my life, and they were completely blind-sighted and hurt. I feel awful for doing this, but it’s like I can’t stop, and every time I date someone new I think, *maybe this time I won’t do it.* + + +My friends and family don’t take me seriously at all anymore. If I mention someone I’m seeing they make comments like, “Yeah, we’ll see how long this one lasts haha.” One friend even told me I should just stop dating altogether! I don’t want to give up on having meaningful romantic relationships in my life! I am human. But I feel like a complete joke. It doesn’t help that I’m prone to rapid cycling so these relationships can be anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months. I go through long periods of staying single and having zero interest in romantic relationships (usually when I’m depressed, but not exclusively - I’ve just never been very relationship-oriented), but a huge part of my mania manifests as uncontrollable sexual appetite, so I always end up dating around at that point. + + +It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I need a disclaimer when I enter into a new relationship! I’ve tried gently telling people that I’m a bit flighty but then they’re constantly waiting for me to leave and that doesn’t really seem productive either. I’m just tired of hurting people and repeating this cycle, but I don’t want to just give up on dating altogether. Anyone else? Am I alone here? None of my friends understand why I’m like this and I feel I have nobody I can talk to about it.",Bipolar +45625,"Lamictal SJS do i go to the hospital Took meds includes seroquel +200mg lamictal +Throat is red and slightly swollen yellow toung and rash/chafing on my arm +What do i do? Do i go to the hospital?",Bipolar +46620,"Seroquel - maybe bipolar? Hey guys. + +This subreddit is new to me, I didnt think I was bipolar. + +I had a ""mental health consult"" with my new GP today. He thinks I MIGHT be bipolar. He's prescribed me 25mg Seroquel to take an hour before bed, daily. Only until I get an actual psychiatrist to weigh in on it (appt isnt until june). + +I hadn't heard about the drug until today, I've only ever been on citalopram 20mg for depression, it didnt help and made me suicidal. + +I dont have problems sleeping. Actually, I told him I sleep too much, if anything. It seems that a lot of people that are prescribed seroquel do. I'm reading all of these horror stories about being crazy high and hallucinations that I've kind of scared myself from taking it. + +I dont know if I should be taking it given he doesnt know what my actual diagnosis is. Should I be terribly concerned about the side effects? + +Any advice? I'm really new to this. ",Bipolar +49909,"Struggling I never wanted to be a mother nor had planned on having kids. I raised two of my sister kids when they were teenagers and until they left home. My sister whom is also bipolar got pregnant again and I ended up adopting my son. + +He is now 5 and an amazing kid who has adhd but what kid doesn’t nowadays? He is so happy and a beautiful soul but I’m a terrible mother. I am currently depressed and going through a mixed episode and know for a fact I’m affecting him with my low mood. He asked me today are you mad at me mommy? It broke my heart because I know he knows something is wrong. + +Unfortunately my husband is deployed and he isn’t here to help me. My parents and siblings are no help. I just have to push through this but deep down inside I regret adopting him because he would’ve been better off with someone else. + +I feel like I’m living this big lie and I just want to disappear inside myself and die. I feel like a terrible burden and it kills me that I brought him in my life and my bipolar is effecting him.",Bipolar +49535,"Spiraling My best friend and emotional support companion, Lucky the cat, passed away on Tuesday of an undiagnosed brain tumor. I’ve been struggling with a major depression episode for a bit but this is so much more than I know how to take. I’m meeting with my therapist on Monday, but it hurts, and I miss my fur baby so much…",Bipolar +46373,"does anyone else have severe Dermatophagia? Hi this is a throwaway account because I don't want my irl friends to see this. + +&#x200B; + +I've always been a nail biter. But what I really am is a nail eater. and a toe nail biter. But I usually use a knife and cut up my skin around my nails and chew on it... and eat it. uhh. Its fucking nasty. I cant control it. I also bite the insides of my lips and shit. I also take mucus out of my eyes to discard it. I scrape oil out of my face with my fingernails. Ill bite and pull moles out of my body. + +&#x200B; + +I used to be a cutter but I don't do that anymore. I've been a nail biter basically forever but not until recently did I realize that I do all of this things all over my body. but I use a fucking knife and swallow it. What the fuck is wrong with me. im such a fucking freak :(( + +&#x200B; + +does anyone have advice on how I can fix this? have any of you had experience with this. sorry for being gross. thank you in advance",Bipolar +46014,I feel really angry at everything I hate my life and how much of a mess it has become. I hate how forgotten I am. I hate my alcoholic mother. I hate how everyone uses me. I hate how I'm afraid to go out anymore out of fear of being raped as I was beaten/almost raped before. I hate that I'm so anxious I won't even see a doctor even though my health is bad. I hate that the boy who I've talken to and spoken to online for years uses me and wants everyone else but me. I hate how my family treats me like invisable dirt. I hate how my christian grandmother treats me like some worthless little girl. I hate how old I've become. I hate that everyday is the same and I can't break this terrible pattern.,Bipolar +46920,"Does anyone have a good diet they follow that seems to help symptoms? I'm bipolar 2 and have just been diagnosed prediabetic (thank you Seroquel!). I have an exercise plan, but I was trying to a modified Mediterranean diet, basically about 50% of veggies, some chicken & fish, a tiny bit of whole grains (not daily), tiny bit of hard cheese and yogurt. Light on grains because of the prediabetes. + +Well, damn if I didn't start having low level symptoms. Can't fall asleep at night without extra seroquel. Snappier with my child than I want to be, and for no real reason, leaving doors open, windows down, losing things. Low level stuff, but signs that more is coming if I can't nip it in the bud. + +I started thinking about it and realized that my first real hypomanic episode happened after I decided to eat nothing but fruits & veggies for a month. Two weeks in & things went bad. + +Does anybody have a diet they follow specifically for BPD? Is there any research on this? I never thought I'd be worried I was eating too many vegetables.",Bipolar +46048,"Ways to help until I can get on meds? Hi! I'm a freshman in college who's had a long history of mental health. I had to drop out of school last year after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. My doctor said it was ""anxiety"" and basically send me to CBT and told me to get back to school. I've always had ""ups and downs"" where for a couple of days I feel like I'm on top of the world and can run 5 miles easily. I can study without distraction and can get my work done. Other days, I'm too exhausted to get out of bed and I easily snap at people. I can barley do the things I love, like read my book or play my Xbox. My mom has been insistent that I have Bipolar Disorder (she's kept a notebook with all my Up and down behavior and notices a pattern). I can't get a psychologist until May since the University ones refuse to take me until next semester. Is there anything I can do to lessen the symptoms until I get on the meds? + +Thanks so much :) ",Bipolar +46928,"Advice for Terminal Insomnia? I'm recently out of a long and dreary depression, and finally feeling active and happy again. I'm probably in the early stages of hypomania, but doing good so far and keeping an eye on it. + +My main problem now is the insomnia. I have no trouble falling asleep at all, but most nights I wake up after 4 or 5 hours and can't get back to sleep at all. + +I know that the lack of sleep will probably trigger hypomania or mania for me. I'm going to talk to my doc and see if a low dose antipsychotic would help, but I thought I'd see if anyone here has any tips. ",Bipolar +50436,"Anybody have prosopagnosia/facial blindness? Wondering if there’s a link between that and bipolar. If you’re not sure what I mean, it’s when you have a hard time remembering what someone looks like/recognizing people. Like if I see a friend in public I’m never sure if it’s actually them or if you ask me to describe someone’s features I’d have no idea. Actually a good example is after yoga class I won’t be able to recognize which person is the teacher after everyone has left the studio— so I try to memorize the teacher’s tattoos or outfit color so I know who to thank after class. Anybody else experience this??",Bipolar +46394,"Is my therapist at fault or am I being paranoid? F25. I've been seeing my M66 psychiatrist for the past 2 years and everything has been great. He's always been a very good professional and never made me feel uncomfortable. Considering that I've known how he approaches therapy for 2 years now, I find it very strange that he has suddenly changed our boundaries - and without asking me. + +First thing, is that one day instead of a good bye handshake he said ""I'm going to hug you today"", and he did so. I didn't mind (goodbye hugging is very common in my culture) but I don't like that he didn't ask first if that was ok instead of just announcing it and going for it. + +He proceeded with doing this again after every session since then. Then last time he kissed me on the cheek (also common and non-sexual way to say goodbye in my culture) but still strange as he's never done it before. He also called me once to check on me and ask how I was feeling (I had just lost my dad so maybe that's fine) but he's also never done that before all these years. + +Today I cancelled our next appointment because something came up, and he said ok but I have to pay for it anyway, which I know some therapists do but 1) mine never does and 2) I cancelled way earlier than the timespan that would require me to pay. + +What is going on here? Is this an approach I'm not aware of, is something wrong? + +&#x200B; + +TL;DR: My therapist of two years suddenly crossed some boundaries, which he's never done before and I'm troubled. ",Bipolar +46842,"bi-polar /ADHD - looking for advice I'm 37 years old and i have bi-polar and ADHD. I am a mother of three and have spent the majority of my life raising my kids and taking care of my disabled mother who has Parkinson's disease. I need a job desperately and I know if I find the right one , I will absolutely flourish in it. I have a mindset for success , however I just need someone to give me a chance. I spend time dwelling about different things I could be good in , but I don't know what field to get into with no experience. I also have a major fear of going on the interview once that time finally comes. Anyone have any suggestions?",Bipolar +45597,"Acceptance...for now. I've been on disability for a good while now. Anyone on disability can probably relate to the strong desire to be away from it. The Social Security office generally treats you like a criminal, you never know who agrees with the negative stigma and sees you as some sort of lazy leach on society, and some days, you fight with the notion yourself. Many people tie worth to one's ability to work and contribute, and it's easy to fall into that realm of thought where you feel worthless and ashamed. + +Anyway, to my story. Around June last year, I was put on a game-changing medication. My anxiety disappeared seemingly overnight, and I felt more confident and comfortable than I have for most of my life. Gears started turning in my head. I could go out among the people! Maybe I could find some companionship and stop feeling so lonely. Maybe I could earn my keep and feel some pride for a change. + +This lead to me starting a second part-time job with the intention of ramping up my hours carefully and slowly, the goal being to eventually be making enough to support myself without the SSDI check, Medicare, etc. I was certain I was on track to being an honest, ""normal"" person. I took on more and more responsibilities. Things were looking good for about 6 months. + +Then the medication turned on me, as it seems they all eventually do. Every day, things get worse. While it still keeps the majority of my anxiety at bay, I now have a persistent depression. I've lost interest in many things, including wanting to do a good job at work. I let things slip, do the bare minimum, and count each second until I am able to go home. Increasing hours at a job that I am having less and less of a tolerance for seems like a good way to speed up an inevitable crash and burn. If something doesn't change soon, I will likely have a breakdown and/or wind up in the hospital. + +And for what? + +Before I started the new med and took the second part-time job, I was doing okay for myself. My first part time job was enough to keep me connected to the outside world, even though the pay might have been considered token at best. I kept myself busy with personal projects. At times I felt lonely, but I had friends. I had trouble with anxiety and depression, but I had time and space to cope. + +In my current situation, I feel like I'm on a speeding train. There are no time-outs when I am feeling terrible. What time I have for my own interests is tainted by dread of the next workday and this consistent, low current of depression. The second part-time job has made the first one, *the one I found rewarding and enjoyable,* feel like an inescapable chore. All I want to do now is go home and hide. All this effort put in to build a ""respectable life"" and dig myself out from under disability, and I feel so much more frightened, fragile, and trapped than before. + +No medication has been effective for me for such a long duration. I was certain it was the one, so I ended up biting off more than I could chew. Now, I'm dependent on a drug that makes me miserable and puts me in a precarious emotional state every day. I stress out and hide from my responsibilities. Every day I feel inadequate and not up to snuff. + +And why? Because I felt guilty for being on disability? Because I was certain that life free off it would be better? That I couldn't have companionship, self-worth, or be among the living if I wasn't earning my keep in traditional terms? + +After much thought, *I have made a conscious choice to ""regress.""* Clearly, working full time is not an attainable goal for me right now. I'm cutting my current average of 15 hours per week at my second job to around 7. Between it and my first job, I'm likely looking at around 10 a week, which I think will be manageable. Also, I'm getting off the ""wonder drug"" that keeps my anxiety at bay at the cost of my sanity and happiness. I will regroup, stabilize, and *find some damned peace.* + +Being off disability wasn't in the cards this time, and *that's okay.* There's a reason I was put on it in the first place. Maybe I will find an opportunity to be financially independent in the future, maybe not. But I will stop with the self-shaming. I can still have a worthwhile life, whatever the circumstances. + +**TL;DR - I found a wonder drug, thought it would finally get me off disability. It didn't, and that's okay. Life goes on.** + +*EDIT: Added TL;DR and fixed some grammar.*",Bipolar +46185,"Happy New Year! Here's my Resolution I want to notice the times when I am alright. Really notice them, stop to think ""hey my mood is okay right now, I'm not anxious, and I'm safe."" Taking a moment to just feel my body and appreciate my surroundings. + +This has been so helpful to me lately. I'm climbing out of a small depression caused by a medication problem (lithium level got a bit low while tapering off another med). I'm also kind of stressed out by some life stuff outside of my control, it's not terrible more just annoying but I don't like it. I kind of have to realize something always comes up. There are no perfect stretches of time where work isn't stressful, a social situation isn't stressful, etc. But I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, and love ones around me. **I want to notice that it's okay right now.** + +There are three times when a potentially bad thing can hurt you. You can get anxious before it happens (if it happens). You can have it happen. And then you can ruminate and dwell on it. I know I can't always control what happens to me, but I do want to get better at reducing anxiety and rumination. When I think back on events I want to tell myself a story that is neutral, not one that makes it worse. I don't want to invent problems or spin existing problems out of control. It's hard, but these two things are my mental health resolutions for 2019. **I want to appreciate the good moments, and I want to do my best to ensure that bad ones only hurt me once.** + +Disclaimer - I'm talking about my own anxiety and rumination over small problems, this isn't meant to dismiss traumatic events that you will naturally feel a lot of anxiety around and ruminate about. Terrible and traumatic things happen. This is more about not spending the entire day worrying about something inconsequential. ",Bipolar +45790,"Hypomania and self control I need help. I need help. I know I am the only one who is responsible for the behaviours I produce, I know I have to help myself, but I need help. + +I have the opportunity of my life, to enter a training that might lead to employment with a big software company, it is something that I never did before, I am excited and have big ambitions. Not to be the CEO, lol, just to follow my dreams in an environment that is beneficial for me intelectually. + +But then again, I took the interview when I was on the low phase, and now the excitement has triggered my hypomania. I am a different person, to say so, from the one who applied. I am afraid they will realize I am mentally ill, unstable and possibly a liability for the company. I hope I am not a liability, but I feel like it when I take bad decisions because I am hypomanic, when I can't express myself clearly for the same reasons, when I do weird things, etc. + +Tomorrow is my first day of training. I am pondering if I should double my antipsychotic dose (got approval to do it when I am not well, from my pdoc) or just go there as I am and deal with my mood, stay focused no matter how much effort that takes. + +I need to be stronger than I think I ever was. More disciplined than I honestly think it is possible for me. I just met my own limits and I am so very scared.",Bipolar +45407,"Partner struggling with depressive episodes Hi Everyone, + +I have a partner who struggles with depressive episodes, where he self-isolates and will completely disappear (meaning, will go to entirely different cities). He is on medication, is very consistent with taking it, and regularly attends counselling. He is so wonderful to actively work towards his goals, and uses this isolation as a way to not subject anyone to any pain that he may cause them. Although I am well aware self-isolating is a way that he manages those experiences, I was wondering if anyone else had this experience with their partner, and if they were able to build that trust with them for them to get their space, while also staying in the same location? In terms of longevity, I am concerned that these spells of radio silence and disappearing acts are not conducive to a healthy dynamic, regardless of his well-intentions. I've suggested going to counselling with him, and he doesn't seem to have interest in it. Any advice is greatly appreciated! ",Bipolar +50592,Zero sex drive while hypomanic It's the only symptom I don't experience with hypomania. It's actually the opposite—I am so high strung and hyperfixated on so many things that I completely forget about sex. I am not asexual in any way but the idea is just so unappealing during my episodes. I've never seen anyone share this sentiment and am left wondering if it's really that uncommon?,Bipolar +45992,"Throwaway, can I vent for a moment? I'm currently undiagnosed (getting there.. why does it take so long to see a pysch?), but I had one of those ""oh shit, I was so crazy I convinced myself I wasn't crazy"" moments a few months ago after I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital in the middle of the night while going through a month of full blown mania without really realizing what it actually was. I didn't want to get hospitalized so I kinda lied my way out, Idk why. I probably shoulda gone but I just wanted to talk to someone and in the moment the idea of a hospital bed was the last thing I wanted. Feels fuckin bad man. I didn't ask for this shit. I really should have seen the signs earlier though. I was such a bright kid and then when I was like 16 I just dropped off the face of the earth. Or when I was 19 and I drank myself into a near coma and flipped my car 3 times and walked away without a scratch, or that time I dropped out of college suddenly to become a plumber after sleeping 16 hours a day for months, or when I was drinking myself into blackout daily just to cope with the pain. + + I am so very fortunate to have a wonderful girlfriend that cheers me up when I am down, but sometimes she gets upset when im ""away"". Sometime's I'm ice cold. I just check out from the world. Nothing gets in, and nothing gets out. It's like an emotional hostage situation. It might be for a day, it might be for a week, but I'm just gone. I just get so wrapped up in all of my racing thoughts. They kill me. I suffered from some serious childhood abuse so I often flashback into those memories (definitely have a ptsd diagnosis coming as well) and then before I know it, it's an hour later and my already shitty mood is just shot to oblivion. I am so. fucking. depressed. + + I've moved to a new city a year and a half ago and I don't have a single friend in my area besides roommates/girlfriend. Honestly, it scares me to talk to anyone I haven't known for years at this point. My desire to engage in friendships is shot. I would honestly rather fuck off in my room and work on my projects all day and night. Sometimes I feel like code is the only thing in this world that makes sense. It just is, or it isn't. There's no grey. And that brings me to the next thing... + +Ever since I realized that there is actually something wrong with my head, I have been lower than low. I pride myself in my mind and my work. I refuse to be limited. I just can't accept that for some months of the year (when I'm low), my critical thinking is shot. It makes me feel so fucking useless. And somehow, despite all of this, I am doing relatively well for myself. So there's that I guess. I do seriously wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. I just can't really help but feel that there is just no fucking point to anything anymore besides my work. I don't feel as if I could ever possibly achieve happiness, so I spend my time working towards some stupid never ending monetary goal. In mania, I have a hard time discerning what is real. The one thing that I can understand is that money is the only god, and with enough money you can do anything. So I pursue this because it is a constant, providing stability above all else. If I could fuck off to some island with my girlfriend and enough books/a working computer, I don't think I'd ever come back. I feel different. I'm losing my ability to blend in. I just act.. very eccentric to put it in a good way. And I feel like its becoming noticeable. + +I guess that's the end of my ramble. I feel embarrassed when I open up like this. Sometimes I find it hard to believe there are people just like me who are struggling just as much..... It's a lonely world.",Bipolar +50613,"Friendships I keep getting into fights with my closest friends and it's almost like I can't help it. I always start them and I always say sorry earnestly after. They know I'm bipolar. My two closest friends aren't talking to me right now and I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of my life. I'm just wondering if y'all can give tips on maintaining close friendships. I'm bipolar 1 btw, not fully stable yet, I'm manic right now and I'm on lamictal and abilify. Was diagnosed almost a year ago.",Bipolar +50372,"Did everyone else get strip searched when they were sent to the mental hospital? Or went voluntarily ig. I didn’t. I felt like I was treated like a criminal I felt so violated. I wasn’t overweight I was fit at the time but it still felt so degrading. I remember liking how I looked as I took off my clothes and stood there. They just got all giggly and excited and said “ooh a blonde!“. After I literally hated my body I felt like it took everything sexual away from my body sorry tmi. I didn’t eat for 3 days after then binged on the worst hospital food. I wish I said no. It literally affected me a lot more than it should have but it was a week after I turned 18 so like it just felt weird to me. The age isn’t important it can feel weird to anyone idk im being salty. Idk it’s another late night and I can’t stop thinking about the mental hospital again even tho i was there almost a year ago :/. + + +I think about it less now tho which is good. Sorry I sound soooo grouchy I think everyone had to go thru this as well. Right?",Bipolar +50106,"Im really sucidal, i dont think my meds are working anymore I take lamictal and olanzapine, until recently i was taking lithium too, but now im back in that dark hole with no exits, why is this happening again, im doing everything right... its so unfair + +This is another episode i know it, i can feel it. I dont understand i was doing so good, i was genuinely doing better than ever, and now i want to kill myself again... + +I give myself max 4 days before i either end up back in the ward for the 14th time or i commit suicide",Bipolar +47077,"When did you realize your bipolar disorder hit a new level? I was diagnosed at 15 and began my adventures with finding the right medications. I’m 32 and I’m still on my adventure, as frustrating as that can be sometimes. + +It was about ten years ago that I hear bipolar disorder is a progressive mental illness. I scoffed at it- I had been at the “same level” of mental illness from the start. + +Then all of a sudden, three years ago, all hell broke loose. I became insanely manic. I was hallucinating and ocd tendencies came out of nowhere. I was convinced that the planes that crashed into the 9/11 towers were going to crash into my home and the only way to stop them was to lock and unlock and lock my door again. + +After what felt like forever, that manic phase passed and I had the realization that I had hit a new level of my mental illness. My manic phases have become a monster of their own- I was never nearly this bad before. The lows are deeper, the suicidal thoughts have gotten more frequent (though I would never ever follow through- I love my kids too much). Everything thing feels so much BIGGER, if that makes sense. + +What was now something in the back of my head as a teenager, “Yeah I have bipolar disorder but I never even think about it, I’m too busy living my life. “ Has now become my biggest priority to keep in check and it’s almost all I think about. Managing my mental health is first and foremost and uncontrollable no matter how much medication I take. + +Has anyone had the same experience? If so, when did you notice your bipolar disorder becoming “stronger” for lack of better words.",Bipolar +50173,,Bipolar +49899,Constant tremor I guess it's pretty common with bipolar disorder cause my buddy has the same problem. And when I experience hypomania my hands are shaking too bad especially. But is there any way out? Been kinda tired of this recently :(,Bipolar +49864,"Can’t eat while depressive episode Hello guys I’m right now in a depressive episode and can’t eat anything. I couldn’t eat in the past days at all and when I finally eat a bite I straight throw up, I’ve tried to eat slowly but everytime I see the food I just can’t eat it and I fell sick right the second I see it and I was wondering if someone had some experience too with that and maybe have some suggestions how I can eat something.",Bipolar +50099,Weather How does weather affect you? I think weather hitting me as hard as it does affects my belief in the validity of my disorder. (Y'all know that feeling - if I just tried a little harder I wouldn't suffer with that...),Bipolar +49624,"Oops I did it again. Sometimes in a rush I will accidentally take my srqual by mistake in the morning… and I’m usually at work, it hits me hard .. I will usually go home but sometimes I will stay. Appearing to be drunk .Takes me all morning to work it through my system until the afternoon , after coffee .. has anyone done this before?",Bipolar +49530,"Happiness After 15 years of misery, trying countless meds, being hospitalized multiple times, enduring 4 suicide attempts, I have achieved happiness and peace. My life is not perfect, there are things I still want to acheive. But the old me is gone. I am no longer a slave to the conventional desires of life. I want to spend the remaining time studying religion, philosophy, and happiness. And no I am not going to quit my day job.",Bipolar +49895,"Work and intrusive thoughts I find in the repetitive aspects work, I have intrusive thoughts that make my face scrunch up. I also have issues writing down dates on things and freeze or write the wrong thing and correct half way through being disabled by brain issues is weird, any one have similar issues, or point me in any direction so I know what to look up. Will be going to the doctor, I just kind of want to get my questions nailed down for efficacy. + +Yay for being disabled where even three and half hours 5 days can make issues arise.",Bipolar +46348,Finally done with Seroquel and Zoloft I know cold Turkey is so bad for you but I did it and successfully transferred to depakote and ritalin which has changed my days. I don't lay around wanting to die anymore. I don't want to eat everything in sight. And for the first time I'm organized. Seroquel 200mg is what I was taking until I started having chest pains and my clothes didn't fit anymore. 200mg zoloft fucked me up worse than anything. Especially the weird withdrawal. Seroquel made me sweat like a hoe in church quitting it. I'm so glad I stuck it out because I am definitely not a good candidate for seroquel or zoloft. I feel good. Not overly emotional or depressed. I feel like me again. ,Bipolar +45589,"Let's go cycling through Manicville...(venting) I just have to vent a little. I am suddenly in a phase where I cry at...every little thing. And in between crying I am drunk on manic energy. I love the creativity that my manic side allows me. I love being able to draw again and write. I am getting things done around the house and well, you all know the story. It's just bittersweet because I know I have to see my therapist and stop this cycling before I do something really bad or go into a psychotic episode (Its pretty devastating to my life when I do). I already emailed my therapist so I am trying to enjoy the energy for the last few hours while I can. It's like a drug isn't it? It can destroy your life but you still want it. IDK. Can anyone relate?? ",Bipolar +49472,,Bipolar +47003,"Wondering if I could be bipolar So when I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago my doctor told me to watch for any mania because of my family history with bipolar. I hadn’t had any issues until this year. I’ve always been moody and could change at the drop of a hat. But I never considered that abnormal for me. +I had one experience a few weeks ago where I felt I could have been manic. I was at work and just in a great mood, nothing could shake me, overly peppy and talkative. I couldn’t focus very well, my mind was just jumping from thing to thing. My boyfriend who works with me pointed out that I wasn’t acting normal after I had already kind of noticed the elevated mood myself. I was trying not to fixate on it but once he pointed it out it started making me very anxious. +Since then I’ve been keeping track of my moods with an app because my boyfriend also pointed out that it’s not the only time I’ve acted odd and I sometimes don’t notice it at all. +I just started seeing a therapist and when I brought this up to her she told me the feeling has to last days to be mania. From what I’ve read hypomania doesn’t have to be long lasting. +I’m just confused about whether I should be seeking a mood stabilizer because I have been struggling with mood swings. Any opinions would be very helpful for me!",Bipolar +45745,How do I stop eating ?!?!?! I gained a lot of weight on Latuda. I got put on Abilify when I was hospitalized recently and developed some really really disordered habits to lose the weight. I'm down 17lbs but all of a sudden instead of next to nothing I'm going way over my (healthy) calorie limit for the day. I don't know what to do. I'm panicking. I can't gain weight again.,Bipolar +45822,"Mania w/o meds For the past week and a half I haven’t been able to relax, every time I try my mind races I become tense and I NEED to leave. I need to go out party, meet new people, see something new! I’m going to go on a bender. +It starts with beer at a friends on a Friday night. Then a night out at the bar. Then I’m begging people to drink with me on a Tuesday, because Monday wasn’t enough. I need more. So I disappear. +No replying. No trace. The only think I’m using my phone for is to call people I shouldn’t and ask for things I shouldn’t have. +And then.. I’m driving down the highway, it’s beautiful and sunny . But I haven’t blinked in so long. My jaw hurts. There’s mysterious bruises on me. I don’t know where I’m going but there’s no way I’m going back. Because he doesn’t love me, no one does, I’m a piece of shit and they know it. My dad knew it, same with my mom. +My friend hands me a pill and it makes me feel again. Screaming crying outside my house. I don’t want to go in. I’m so fucking a lone.",Bipolar +46210,"20 days. My birthday is in 20 days and I'll be turning 21. I absolutely dread the day. I have no plan for my life, my meds aren't working, and everyone keeps telling me to push on and keep fighting. I'm just so tired of fighting though. My mom tells me things will get better but I just don't see it happening. Anytime I pick myself up and get better and I eventually fall even lower than the last time. I tell her what happens when I'm 50? 60? I'll still have to get up in the morning and take medicines I hate and live my life as a lie to stop everyone around me from feeling bad. I know I should check into a hospital at some point but now isn't the right time so I'll just continue to be a sad loser. ",Bipolar +50367,"So I got a Therapist… I haven’t had a full time therapist since I was 14, I am 35 about to be 36 in a month. I am scared, I was honest with her and told her my issues with therapy and meds as a child. I flat out told her about some of the suicidal ideation and that I am never going to go through with hit fir collateral emotional damage reasons to loved ones. I also told her that I don’t trust therapists and the reason I have avoided going is I am afraid someone would overreact to my dark thoughts. + +Anyway. Wish me luck. Next visit is second week of April.",Bipolar +49643,"I can’t make myself go to work Then of course there’s the shame spiral which leads to drinking which leads to binging and purging which is expensive and I won’t have money because I didn’t go to work. Someone stop this ride I want to get off. + + +How do you make yourself go to work?",Bipolar +45951,Vraylar Hey guys I posted this on another forum but I was just seeing if anyone has taken it or heard good word about. I’m on lithium for my bipolar 1 and it’s severe but I was wondering if vraylar is good too?! Stay strong guys:D -MTA ,Bipolar +49701,"Anxiety and fear suddenly gone Long story short, after a very difficult few months and then the death of a friend, I am not doing well. My therapist is asking that I seek a higher level of care, which I am pursuing (hoping for an IOP group spot to open up soon). I do know the ER is there if things get too serious before then, but I’m trying to avoid that if possible. + +I think I can finally admit that a lot of my thoughts lately are suicidal. Not sure why I couldn’t say that for so long, but the fog has lifted enough that it’s become clear. I haven’t felt this sick in nearly 10 years, since before my bipolar II diagnosis. I have no intention of acting on those thoughts but they are there nearly constantly. + +But the weird thing is, my anxiety suddenly disappeared recently. I don’t feel “normal” or free from anxiety… almost like the anxiety left and was replaced by a strange, calm apathy. I no longer fear death, and I haven’t noticed myself feeling nervous about anything. It feels almost like when the anxiety left, it almost gave the suicidal thoughts “permission” to be there. I’m not scared anymore. + +It’s been a weird feeling, and I guess I’m curious if anyone else has felt something like this? It feels confusing and I think I’m trying to make sense of it.",Bipolar +46871,"Trying to cook! Ive recently decided that I need to actively take steps to be less underweight (Im anxious often and it ruins my appetite), so! I'm trying new things when I have free time! So far this week Ive cooked ramen stir fry, a steak/potato/asparagus dinner, and tonight I tried a new recipe for chicken alfredo. Everything has been way better than frozen or canned ""fast"" food I normally eat and although none of my meals turn out exactly as I would like I understand that no skill comes instantly. + +What hobbies have y'all picked up to cope?",Bipolar +47064,Antipsychotics without insurance? Any cheap antipsychotics you would recommend. I’ve been on 80mg of Latuda for three years and loved it but I can no longer afford it. Any recommendation would be greatly appreciated.,Bipolar +45441,"Trying to get pregnant, off my meds, and falling apart. I need advice from bipolar moms please. Hi everyone. Like the title says, I'm off my meds because I'm trying to get pregnant. I thought I could handle it, but I'm cycling pretty bad right now. Luckily, I'm not suicidal, but it took everything I had to get out of bed this morning. In the past two weeks I've been delusional, anxious, depressed, energetic. All over the place. I was diagnosed in 2011 and have been on meds consistantly ever since, but my meds were deemed too risky for a pregnancy. Now that I'm in this emotional state, I'm questioning my capability to be a mother in the first place. I babysat my 2 year old nephew yesterday and it took every last drop of my energy. I came home so drained I could barely move. I'm assuming it was also compounded with my current mental fluctuations. But it'll only be more of that if I do have kids. Is it possible to find a balance with kids? Will there be time for myself and time for them? Yes, I will be getting back on my meds as soon as possible after the baby comes (if the baby comes), but will it be enough? I'm not even pregnant yet and I feel it might already be too much. I'm sorry for the word vomit, I can barely think straight right now. + +I just want advice from other mothers. How did you do it? How did you survive being off your meds throughout your pregnancy? + +P.S. I do have an appointment with my therapist at the end of the month (she's on vacation).",Bipolar +45921,"Lamictal - Vaginal Issues (please be kind) Ladies on Lamictal, any issues with itching, burning, yeast, or vaginitis? Label identifies vaginitis as a reported side effect - though I bet prevalence is unreported due to embarrassment. I am 33 and have never had a single issue ""down there"" my whole life - totally bumming me out. ",Bipolar +46798,"Withdrawals or new med at fault? So I went from 0.5 mg rispridol go 2 mg abilify overnight and upon taking the ab my legs started getting tingly, started experiencing light movements in my chin, twitching in arms and legs, and some “light” restlessness (not full akathesia)... I’m in like my 4th day of this and idk what to do I’m scared. Anyone have any ideas? I didn’t have any movement issues on rd (was taking for 2 months). I’m afraid I’m going to be permafucked by these damn drugs. ",Bipolar +45452,"X-post bipolar - they say to stop smoking bud but don’t have to deal with the suicidal thoughts I mean I get it, you’re gunna tell me that ‘in the long run it’s better’. Go ahead and tell me how to get to the long run when it feels like you’re taking on the battle of life on your own with no reprieve. I’m fucking tired and they all give a shit til it actually matters ",Bipolar +49739,"What do you do when people hurt you I've been hurt so many times by people I decided to trust. Im just over people at this point, because of my illness anyone can hurt me SO MUCH MORE than I could ever hurt them. It's too hard trying to manage my emotions even without factoring in the selfishness and unpredictability of people. + +&#x200B; + +Should I start trusting again? It's been 2 months and now I'm just bored, but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm still reeling from the extreme pain of the last time I was hurt. People have too much power over me, last time I was hurt it induced a mixed episode which resulted in psychosis and 2 suicide attempts. People are inherently selfish, I'm 100% convinced of this fact. But im getting bored and lonely.",Bipolar +45983,"Been a bit hypomanic lately. Just went on a cleaning spree of the apartment, now it is clean and organized. What's the best thing you have ever done while hypomanic? Been feeling hypomanic this week and today I went on a cleaning spree of my apartment. + +I rarely clean or organize anything, so there was a lot that needed to be done. Granted, my apartment is 400 square feet so there isn't a lot to clean but it felt really good to have it clean and organized. I still need to clean my desk but I think that's just a lost cause at this point. But the kitchen is spotless and a lot of the clutter has been dealt with. + +Sometimes hypomania isn't a bad thing! What's the best thing you've done while hypomanic? ",Bipolar +45466,"Don’t know if I have Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar? Sorry if my this doesn’t come out properly, I feel sometimes as if I have so many Things to say, but I don’t know exactly what it is to say. This is mostly a venting. + + +When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Depression. I’ve mostly felt depressed my entire life due to emotional, physical and sexual abuse growing up. I was always tired, fatigued, I could barely get up in the morning and do things as simple as brushing my hair, taking a shower, eating, etc. + +After I got married, whenever my husband and I would get into arguments, I would feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I would scream and start to hit him, it literally felt like my mind was going to burst, and sometimes I would place my hands on my head to keep my thoughts from blowing up. But then when I would blow up, I would start screaming and hitting things without any discernible purpose. + +We just thought I was just an overly emotional person, because we never assumed anything was wrong other than my depression. So we went through several years of that, until a few years ago, I had an emotional affair with someone that literally seemed it came out of NOWHERE. At that time We started going to a doctor for depression where he also diagnosed me with bipolar depression(?), and anxiety. and then prescribed me, vibryyd, then lamictol, trileptol, Zoloft, Gabpentin, (sorry for the spelling) and then finally Wellbutrin. (Not all at the same time just in a period of a year) I also went to a therapist who told me to pretty much divorce my husband and at that time I felt like that was the greatest thing to do, so I went through with it up until the paperwork, and then suddenly decided I didn’t want to go through with it. Around that time I also stopped my affair extremely abruptly; it felt like I literally woke up one day and didn’t want anything to do with that person and situation. Throughout all this time, I’ve had about 15 jobs, either quitting or being fired. I would be really happy for months, I would be excellent at my job, then suddenly I felt like doing nothing, I would lose complete interest and that showed in my quality of work. There was also a point where I drank heavily when I had the affair, to the point where I would be drunk everyday. That feeling to get drunk did go away just as quickly as the feeling to have the affair did as well. + +Thankfully my husband and I got through it all, he forgave me and I’ve been extremely consistent with my medicine and trying to make things as easy as possible for my mental health. + +My doctor at that time prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety with did not help AT ALL. It made me feel like hell. If I took it and didn’t fall asleep immediately after, my body and bones would feel like they were shaking, and my mind felt like everything was sped up even more. This caused me to jump in front of oncoming traffic to kill myself because the pain was just so bad. I wasn’t harmed thankfully, but I did get baker acted until I weaned my self off the Xanax, which was an incredibly low dose, if I remember correctly. I also put on 20 pound during this time which worsened my depression. + +After all this, my doctor took me off Xanax, and lamictol, and just kept me on a new medicine, Wellbutrin CL (300mg) I felt GREAT. I suddenly had all the energy in the world, and was able to get up and do things! I did have some depressive days, but they went away fairly quickly. I was really happy, I thought I found the medicine for me! But it stopped working, I got more depressed and at the same time, I found myself getting More and more irritable, my emotions blew up again, I couldn’t have arguments without screaming in a rage and hitting myself or my husband, and my anxiety was getting worse to the point of being angry and irritated all the time. + +Instead of going back to the doctor, we found a new one and he pretty much told me that my old doctor was just treating my depression while my bipolar disorder was not in check. So he decreased my Wellbutrin to 150mg and gave me back my lamictol and added 25mg of seroquel as a sleep aid. + +I’m happy that this doctor is really trying to fix what the last doctor messed up, but my concern now is that, what if I just have Borderline personality disorder instead? Someone told me that those people have REALLY intense emotions, which is what I feel now, but I don’t want to diagnose myself, when the doctor already told me I have bipolar disorder. I just have a lot of distrust if that makes sense. Also this seroquel makes me so drowsy, I sleep 12+ hours and all day I feel this grogginess like a zombie almost and I’ve only been at 50 mg- 25mg. I feel calm and relaxed but it feels like my body is so slow. So I’m just worried that this medicine isn’t really for me and just another med that will make me lose my mind. I just don’t know what to feel or if I’m bipolar or just depressed and all this makes my head spin and Feel even more hopeless. ",Bipolar +49480,"today I cried in therapy because I’m tired of people worrying about me. I have confidence in my ability to take care of myself. I have been hospitalized twice and it was my decision both times. + +Now it’s a concern on whether I’m capable of moving out of my parents’ house. I’m a grown woman. I have a corporate job. I go to therapy. I go to groups. I take my meds. I have hobbies. + +Worrying is not the same as caring.",Bipolar +45884,Weed and BP 2 I've been feeling suicidal more recently and never had that feeling before. I want to get an indica to feel calmer and relaxed when I get really bad. What has been your experiences with BP and MJ usage?,Bipolar +46612,"Stop recommending the ER Be depressed +Go to ER +6000$ medical bill +Be depressed and in debt + +Seriously for those with mental health issues in the United States please fucking stop recommending the ER. Its expensive and a horrible experience. + +If you live outside of the US great! Enjoy your healthcare.",Bipolar +46511,Wellbutrin and Remeron Combination Have you ever been on this combination. What were your experiences? Did it treat your depression? What dose?,Bipolar +46622,"How i solved my bipolar disorder. Hello, + +Let me get straight to the point. Bipolar and many other mental disorders does not exist. There are only consequences of poisoning your body/mind. + +I tought i have bipolar disorder for 2 years, went to psychiatrist, gave me many drugs. Those drugs only destroy you, no drug cant help you. + +&#x200B; + +How i fixed my bipolar disorder? + +\- Stopped eating sugar +\- Started meditating +\- Cold showers +\- Minimize meat consumption + +\- Never eat processed meat + +\- Dont ever ever take any drug, even for a headache, NOTHING. + +\- Stop smoking if you smoke cigarettes (i had biggest improvement when stopped smoking) + +\- Dont drink so much alcohol + +&#x200B; + +And many more things you can do to stop all mental disorders, but these are main that helped me. Im now 1.5 years free of all ""bipolar"" and other disorders. I feel like a god and i have a will to live and achieve my dreams, you can all do it to!! + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +49769,"Stable for years Hey everyone + +thanks for taking time to read this. + +I've question to everyone here who is stable for more than 5 years. + +What are the things that helped you for being stable ?",Bipolar +45729,"As experts in psychiatry, what do you think about my sex life? The last year has been chaotic, but the next is looking stable and positive. The next priority is going to be repairing my bond with my husband. I basically shut down to emergency mode for a few months due to job loss and massive anxiety. Hubby took excellent care of me and the household during that time. Unfortunately, as I was coming out of it, he was heading into a pretty hefty depression. All of this, on top of some as-yet-unresolved body image issues developed (no pun intended) from my wedding pictures. I've been worried, and I think hubby too, that we've wandered into platonic territory, and I really want to reel that back. Hubby's depression is currently covering the fact that I'm having a hard time reengaging with him, but I think the problem is mine, because of my reaction to the wedding photos making me feel extremely unsexy, rather than being created/caused by him. + +Any ideas about how to feel sexy again? ",Bipolar +50582,"do you have to abstain from alcohol with this disorder? Just diagnosed after coming down from a hypomanic episode that resulted in a LOT of binge drinking. Is alcohol out of the question for someone like me? I am starting medication tomorrow and while I know I have a problem, I am hoping I can still participate in the occasional wedding/birthday champagne toast. :(",Bipolar +50495,"Can my episodes shift on exact day every 3 months? I was diagnosed bipolar 9months ago and still doubt. But after several drastic changes in my emotional state, I tried to track it through app and failed to be consistent. My approximate understanding was 3 months, as a harpies moments, and “life sucks” mode. +2023 I started really bad and wasn’t able to eat, think and shower. I sleep a lot. But January 18 I couldn’t fall asleep, was excited about smt, and thought it’s bcs of my birthday on 19th January. Nothing really happened that day, but I kept waking up 4am excited to do something and everything seemed very simple. I just accepted that I am “Porsche with no breaks” but 18th of march I started feeling terrible. I don’t use any apps or diary. It’s just feelings were so strong, and I couldn’t ignore dates and mood swing. It’s almost a week I feel anxious about nothing and I am really afraid that I am not there where I should be or I am doing smt wrong. That my family hates me. It’s hard to explain, but I take more than 6 valerians pill per day, cuz I can’t deal with ice in my stomach + +Any ideas what it can be?",Bipolar +49545,"Feeling down again Hi everyone, idk I think this is just ranty but need to move this energy into something else. Been feeling so so down especially these last few weeks. We upped my Wellbutrin so hopefully that helps. Everything just feels so pointless and I’m really struggling to find a reason why I should even be here. I thought that school motivated me but now I’m just repulsed having to do school work even if it’s about something that I used to enjoy reading/writing about. Do I even want to major in this anymore? Do I even want to do this career?? Do I even want to do ANYTHING? Nothing is fun anymore, I can barely find the motivation to play my favorite games. I usually just end up laying in my bed with my phone or watching the same show everyday. What are you supposed to do when nothing sounds appealing to do? + +Work fucking sucks all the time, which makes me sad because I really loved this job. It’s taking everything in me to not just go cry in the bathroom after every single customer interaction. And then I feel guilty because they pay me well and provide great benefits so I should be thankful right? Idek WHY it sucks, customers aren’t that bad and my coworkers are cool enough. The work itself isn’t hard or boring. But I just don’t even want to work. But then when I’m home I don’t want to be there either and I feel like a piece of shit for laying in bed all day. + +Idk, I’m not gonna do anything but it’s been *really* hard to want to be here anymore. I don’t want to tell my therapist cuz tbh a stay in a psych ward sounds substantially boring and lonely. And I would miss my partner too much. And my cat. I *think* about stuff I should/could do to improve my life and it’s an endless cycle: thinking of all the great things I should do tomorrow (exercising, rearranging my bedroom to be more comfortable, whatever). Then I wake up and do none of it. And feel bad all day. Sometimes I wish I was manic just so I could feel something other than shitty. But mania sucks too so?? Sorry, I’ll get off the soap box now I just wanted to scream my sadness into the Internet void.",Bipolar +46026,"Lurker realizing I need some help coping/understanding depressive episode relapse. I guess for some preface I was diagnosed last year but have had it all my life. I'm type 1 but was pretty functional as I typically used what I now realize is my mania in school and etc. and pretty much was excelling despite going through manic and depressive episodes (thinking it was normal/teenage angst etc.) until about my 4th year in college when things went down south fast. Fast forward two years, a couple of hospital visits, and finally getting a full wrap around team, I'm a lot more stable now that I'm on what I feel are the right set of meds for me atm (been on a set of lithium, lorazepram, and buproprion for the past 3 months and it's worked amazingly). It's allowed me to work, write, and just generally focus like I used to without the mood swings and recognize when I'm becoming manic or depressed at high caliber level that I'm used to. I know that the meds aren't a cure all and that relapse happens, but recently have had a string of events (good, bad, and otherwise) have caused my depression to come back in full swing. I recognize it for what it is and why I feel like this, which is a huge step compared to before, but it's just as heavy and still rather difficult to deal with unlike my mania where I know just to tune it down. I don't really know what I'm looking for in this as i have a pretty solid support system, but I guess if anyone else has had relapse experiences post medication I think hearing about others dealt with hearing about it would be helpful. Because I'm really in a spot where Im really not sure how to approach it and could probably use some netflix/movie suggestions as I don't have much energy to do anything else. Thanks for reading and sorry if this is all over the place. ",Bipolar +46075,When is it ok to tell someone about a psych ward visit if at all? Whenever I meet someone new I always wonder when it’s appropriate if at all to tell them what I’m going through. Only because it is such a big life event and applies to my current position. Example I’ve been out of work now for 3 months (this was after a psych ward visit for 2 weeks) and just help my family out and take time for myself ( time to get back to work but still nervous to). So I’m talking to this guy whenever he asks me what I’m up to or do I have any plans for the day or the next day ( you get what I mean) I only have so many things to say you know. Finally I just responded yesterday with “ yep not really much planned” and ugh I kinda just want to tell him (about the psych visit)so he can see where I’m coming from and not like I just never have anything to do. Thoughts? Anyone else with similar experience? When is it appropriate if at all to explain this to someone. I’m passed the idea that they will think I’m crazy or different or judge me I guess but still worried about it. ,Bipolar +50466,"psych ward (again) sigh bruh. when does bpd and bipolar get better. i’m currently in the er AGAIN. it’s like it never stops and it’s so hard to not lose hope or think that the short term happiness is not worth all the pain that comes w these disorders. ptsd is so so bad rn and i thought i had recovered. makes me feel like no matter what i can always relapse, i’m never actually going to recover. man i can’t handle a 3rd iop shit is 5 times a week 3-4 hours each session. being mentally ill is so exhausting i can’t learn to accept that this is just reality i have to deal with! how do ppl get past that things aren’t fair. i can’t accept things. how am i supposed to? i didn’t deserve this. things don’t happen for a reason, bullshit, it’s all meaningless and all my trauma was for what? to make me a fragile and vulnerable person with 8 disorders. i hate this. advice for recovery after this bc idk how i’ll get better.",Bipolar +50350,"What does a manic/hypomanic episode look like for you? TW: Self harm, along with some of what you’d expect in mania +Be specific with examples if you’re willing. I want to see how bipolar varies for people because sometimes I feel invalid. Here’s a list of my symptoms as well in case anyone also needs some reassurance that everyone’s different! +For me it’s: +- Losing sleep, (but not quite all of it—I have an anxiety med that increases need for sleep though so that could play a role) +- Paranoia about all my friends and the world around me +- Risky decisions in terms of conversations with friends, putting myself in a physically dangerous position, and the things I put inside my body +- Hearing whispers +- Feeling like God (and being pretty good at convincing myself I am) +- Sensory issues specifically with touch +- Making boatloads of artwork (it’s my hobby) +- Over-emoting +- S*lf h*rm, but not taking time out of my day to do it, just doing a project or task and being like “I bet I can h*rt myself doing this” +- Talking a lot and having something to say about everything +- Doing tasks super rushed and poorly +- The urge for violence (verbal or physical) +- Not responding to people because I’m in a thrill of art or work +- Leaving my house at any hours during the night/day +- Etc. I’ll edit if I think of anymore",Bipolar +49844,"Self compassionate practices. From my IOP therapist leader. If you feel so inclined. These are from my IOP. Thought I’d share them. Anyone can use them, it doesn’t hurt. Just another tool to add to your belt. I hope you find this useful. + +https://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/",Bipolar +50353,"CHECK-IN WEDNESDAY ✅- March 22, 2023 How are you feeling so far this week? Let us know how you're doing. + +Share as much or as little as you're comfortable with (within the rule guidelines). + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11xzt6g)",Bipolar +45999,"Can i be bi-polar For 3 years i have been struggling with depression and anger. 2018 has been hell. I have lost 2 friends this year, and January my parents divorced, and my mother whomst i was very close to moved out of the country, leaving me with my asshole dad who doesn't love me. + +I have periods where i am low all of the time. These periods i have this constant feeling of sadness and self-hate. Last year i had a suicide attempt. + +A few months pass and i am suddenly very angry. I want to kill everyone and everything. I have been arrested a few times for violence. + +Then i have a week where i feel superior. Noone is as good as i am. I am a legend and everyone else are inferior. + +Disclaimer i am norwegian and my english isn't all that great + +",Bipolar +46293,"My skin is crawling... I don’t even know what my mood is at the moment. My thoughts are racing by disjointed and scary. I’m curled up in a ball on my bed. Self harm is all I can think of but I just don’t have the motivation to do anything. My skin is crawling and I just want to bash my head against the wall but there’s also a sense of calm. I smoked weed with my “friends” on New Years and it made me extremely paranoid. I thought that people were coming after me to kill me and I completely freaked the fuck out in front of them and so now, nobody is talking to me. The effects of smoking should’ve worn off by now but I’m still paranoid. + +Can someone please tell me what’s going on?!",Bipolar +46556,"Brother committed, diagnosed, home. Still manic? My brother 26 was committed for a manic episode, diagnosed bipolar and was released today. Immedietly drank with his buddies, took the brand new truck he bought during this manic episode and blew up at my dad for making payments on his over drawn accounts. He was committed for 20 days, but just started the bipolar medication about 10 days ago. He looks and sounds so much better, but he's still talking about how intelligent he is and that he has all of his finances in order and knows what he's doing. I'm afraid he hasn't actually accepted the diagnosis or realised just how much of a mess there is to clean up. He started his own company this year, and I'm scared to death all of his financial issues will get so much worse. He doesn't seem to care, says he feels amazing and is planning on furthering his business. I guess my question is how do I approach him about this without seeming overbearing or telling him what to do? Should I wait and see if the meds just havent kicked in yet? What do you wish your family and friends did differently?",Bipolar +46096,"Can I just enjoy my hypomania? Haven’t slept in over 30 hours, but I feel amazing. I had a really great day at work, I’ve been spending time with a pretty awesome guy, and I just had a very liberating conversation with my ex (at least at the moment...who knows if I’ll regret what I said). + +For the last few months I’ve been in a pretty dark depression. I didn’t get out of bed, shower, or take care of myself at all. My life kinda went to shit, and I felt like giving up. But today, right now, I feel on top of the world. I haven’t taken my meds and I know that’s not a good thing, but god I haven’t felt this alive in so long. The last thing I want is to be numbed. Can I just enjoy this for just a bit? Is it so bad to let myself go just a bit?",Bipolar +46980,"Tired of ""Surviving"" Episodes, Feeling Demoralized Hi BipolarReddit, + +I'm having a rough time lately and I was hoping you could offer me some advice. I was diagnosed with BPD about four months ago, and have had developing symptoms for about a year. I have a therapist, my toolbox of coping skills is extensive but that's all I'm doing: coping. I have recently decided to pursue getting medicated and getting my moods stabilized. The medicine has not started to affect me yet (which I understand is normal) and I'm getting very demoralized. I'm tired of ""surviving"" with BPD. I want to thrive, and feel happy. I don't want to be constantly worried and unsure of my decision making skills because I'm manic or depressive. I know that eventually I will find a medication that works for me, and I will be able to cope better and thrive. I'm just feeling extremely demoralized and defeated lately. I need to find ways to imporve my morale and will to keep fighting through this. Please help me. + +Sincerely, + +NewandImproving",Bipolar +46615,"Bipolar disorder and pregnancy? I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant. This was not planned. I was not comfortable with terminating the pregnancy, so here we are. I was previously on 50mg seroquel, and 100mg lamictal, and since finding out I was pregnant, I had to drop the seroquel, but stayed on lamictal and actually bumped up to 200mg because I was not fairing well without the seroquel. I'm in therapy once a week and I see my psychiatric nurse once a month. My OB is okay with me taking lamictal I'd it is helping me, which was a relief as I was scared I was going to fave judgement and have to advocate hard for myself. + +Anyways, where I am at now is that I'm struggling to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours at a time. I'm craving coffee again, I want a pack of cigarettes, my driving habits are slipping into unsafe behaviors, and I'm picking fights and arguments...all which are my known mania symptoms. I'm sure there are more I'm just unaware of, and I've suspected an episode was coming on as soon as my sleep became troublesome, though I wanted to brush that off as 2nd trimester energy boosts, but it's clearly more than that. + +My therapist gave me a whole packet of stuff to help me calm my senses, and not agitate myself more, which I guess will be helpful, but I'm so, so, so scared. I'm not going to give in to the symptoms if I can help it, I'm definitely not going to pick up smoking again and will actively remove myself from the temptation, but I'm just so worried because this could go so many different ways and I feel more like a fish out of water than I've ever felt in my life. + +I guess I just needed to vent a little, but also, are there any moms here who have experienced pregnancy with their bipolar disorder? What did you experience while pregnant? What about post partum? Is there any advice/tips/suggestions you could give me? I tried researching on Google but it's just freaked me out even more so I thought that asking people who ACTUALLY have to deal with it would be better and more accurate.",Bipolar +46331,"What is going on?? Mostly rant and confusion. So. I live in the UK with free healthcare and all that jazz, problem is I'm supposed to get repeat prescriptions weekly to my local pharmacy and they just don't arrive. Most weeks I have to phone the surgery to chase them up and now I'm essentially going cold turkey from lamotrigene, sertraline and also meds for thyroid. It usually takes 24-48 hours for a prescription to be ready to pick up if they actually remember to do it. My bf is putting in an official complaint tomorrow but not sure if it'll do anything. Am I being unreasonable wanting to complain? My head is kind of fuzzy at the moment and I feel like hell. Probably withdrawal? I don't know.",Bipolar +45957,"Every time I'm in an argument I question and doubt myself I'm currently in a fight with my boyfriend and I can't stop asking myself if my crazy is showing. + +How do you know if your feelings are logical and reasonable? I've felt justified before when I wasn't medicated and can see where I was clearly wrong while looking back. I'm fully medicated and have been doing really well, but I keep doubting myself now. + +",Bipolar +50136,"“I used to be able to do this!” I used to be able to small talk. +Go outside without my adrenaline kicking in. +Making eye contact. +Focusing on reading. +Fight through the days I didn’t feel great and get shit done. Which is not solely a bipolar problem. It’s a human problem. +The worst part is I feel like I can’t relate to anyone. +Earth doesn’t feel like home anymore.",Bipolar +46142,"How can I best support my mom? My mom has bipolar disorder. She can be stable for long periods of time, but when she gets sick she gets very sick. My parents did a good job of shielding me and my little brother from her illness. Now that I'm older how can I best be there for her?",Bipolar +49663,,Bipolar +49754,"has anyone’s manis been triggered by self harm? i know mania can be triggered by stress, but has anyone’s mania been triggered by self harm? + +i know in the moment it doesn’t feel traumatic but self harm is traumatic. + +i’m struggling with thoughts of self harm + +i haven’t been aware of my BP for long and i don’t know what triggers my episodes, and i want to know if i were to self harm if i would trigger an episode.",Bipolar +46795,"Having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning - does your doctor prescribe anything for this? So I've been in a depressive episode for months now, and can't motivate myself to get out of bed. Is there anything your doctor has prescribed to help you with this? I'm at my wit's end and have tried everything, but can't manage to not crawl back under the sheets after I wake up. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!",Bipolar +49870,,Bipolar +45787,"Omg I love Lithium I had the choice between Depakote and Lithium and I love it. I always had trouble concentrating and racing thoughts but now I can sing along to music, do my hw, and notice small things like micro expressions (just random things). I'm on 300 mg 3x a day, granted my lithium levels are at 0.4 but things are looking great so far. Almost no side effects other than dry skin, extreme thirst and tremors",Bipolar +45700,bought a new phone when I didn’t need one don’t know what I was thinking. Was going to get my perfectly functional iPhone SE some new accessories but ended up walking out of the store with a 6S instead :/ still don’t feel the pinch yet but im sure I’ll regret this later,Bipolar +46835,"I'm frustrated + + +Every time I start to get upset and have depression symptoms I start to get really frustrated. +My coping mechanisms dont work. I really struggle to stay calm. I can recognize what is going wrong but I feel powerless to change anything. +I feel like I'm missing something or doing something wrong. +",Bipolar +46641,"Pm is open I love talking to people on here and man I’ve been on a down lately... coming back up! Got higher dosages and I feel so good.. I did before.. not like I ever didn’t. Anyway, I want a good conversation not talking about our hardships, but what is happy with our lives. A happy convo with some stranger ",Bipolar +49776,"For those who experience hallucinations, are you afraid of them? I’ve started occasionally hallucinating shadow people in my peripheral vision. When it happens, I get the feeling they want to hurt me or might be hunting me. At one point I felt like they might be waiting by my apartment to, idk, “get” me. I consciously know they aren’t real but I’m still scared of them. Is that normal? Is that standard for just hallucinating or is that also something like paranoia? + +Edit: I don’t mean like being afraid because it’s happening. I think if it were voices I’d be fine. It’s more like “I somehow know that shadow wants to kill me”",Bipolar +50324,How do you handle insomnia? I'm on my fourth night of having trouble sleeping. I've been getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night so I'm paying attention to it but not super concerned and was just wondering what other people do in this situation. Do you make yourself lay in bed even if you feel wide awake? When does it cross the line for you and make you seek medical care?,Bipolar +46914,"Mania and crafts I'm awake. I have been wide awake since 3 am. I know that it is in part due to my (maybe? hopefully? tapering off) mania and in part my new med. + +I have so many craft, gift, and furniture rearrangement ideas. They're all floating in and out of my brain and they all sound amazing; it is absolute torture that I need to wait another 6 hours for the fabric store to open and before anyone gets too concerned I only need a yard and a quarter of fabric so hopefully it's a cheap visit. + +If my husband wasn't asleep right now I'd be taking furniture apart right now to fill the time and to make getting it downstairs easier. If my gym was open I could fill this time productively, or at least in a hot tub. Ugh. + +How do you guys fill up antsy hours? It's been a long time since the 3am ""gotta make shit"" style mania hit me.",Bipolar +46388,"Hello, concerned daughter here Hello, + +I hope this isn't against the rules but I'm posting here hoping to find some advice and a little support. I'm (f26) from Holland and my mom (55) has been in the psychiatric hospital for about 3 months now. +Looking back, I guess she already hit a manic state about 7 months back. The trigger seemed to be a renovation (of the whole area) that started in September 2018. She was constantly worried that I was going to be raped by the construction crew. At a certain I wasn't allowed to do any chores at home and she started treating me like I was 9 or something. + +Then she stopped taking her meds, she offered her body to a friend (even though she is disgusted by sex) and started going on shopping sprees. + +She only got commited cuz she kept me up at night for a week straight, which sorta forced her to seek help. Now she blames me for getting her commited. She also told me my stepdad doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm fat (I have been diagnosed with c-ptsd because of past abuse of a familymember so this was extremely hurtful on multiple levels). She accused me trying to control her when I asked her why she didn't pay rent, and suddenly my boyfriend is too dumb and autistic to function and she hates his guts. + +This isn't even half of the things she has done or said. I'm am tired and exhausted. She suddenly came home today, late at night, because she claims she is getting abused by the everyone and she left. I quickly packed a bag and left to go to my stepdads house, she freaked out, started yelling then asked her if I could forgive her. + +Here's the thinge, I don't doubt it that she will get better. But I am constantly incredible angry and upset, I have no patience anymore. I am constantly swinging between being scared she is going to hurt herself and just hoping that she does, just so I can be done with all of this. +I feel guilty and I am just drained of all my energy all the damn time. + +Is there anything I can do? Is there any advice you guys have for me when dealing with my mother? I don't want to hate her after all of this is done. + +P.s. I am already looking at other housing options and an in-house therapist of my doctors clinic is helping me trying to get urgency to move. I am also in a lot of contact with the people from the mental facility my mom is commited in. School is also quite aware of what is going on, I can always stay at my stepdads house (who has never done anything weird to me, ever) and my boyfriend is an angel who is always ready to help me. I am exercising, eating right and always try to get 8 hours of sleep. + +tldr: mom is manic and borderline abusive, driving me crazy. I don't want to hate her after all of this is done, do you have any advice for me?",Bipolar +50277,"I think the change in seasons is starting mania/hypomania Woke up this morning feeling great and had energy. But I know that’s not a great sign because that hasn’t happened in half a year or so. At this point I’m just bracing for impact and waiting to see if it’s hypomania or not. I say hypomania/mania because I experience both and my therapist still can’t decide if it’s bipolar I or II. Possibly an issue of deciding if the mania was actually full blown mania. Anyways, I just woke up feeling good and I don’t trust like that.",Bipolar +46946,"Documentary on Bi Polar and Families Do you hear voices? Do you have intrusive thoughts? + +Do you experience paranoia and/or severe anxiety? + +Do you have unexplainable visions? + +And, do you feel misunderstood and alone? + +If you or someone you know are experiencing these sensations, we’d love to hear your story. We’re looking for brave individuals to share their voice in a new documentary series. + +Email us at [fightstigmanow@gmail.com](mailto:fightstigmanow@gmail.com) including a brief description of your situation.",Bipolar +46571,"What is YOUR personal experience during highs and lows? What changes do you notice when going into each of them? We all know the “textbook” symptoms, but every person has their own unique experience with bipolar disorder. What’s yours? ",Bipolar +46642,"Lithium Poisoning???? Has anyone experience lithium poisoning on any scale? I've been taking lithium for 5 years and it works so.damn.well. I take an amount that has me dangerously close to toxic levels. I fully expect to suffer the consequences later in life but I'm wondering if anyone experiences side effects of toxicity. + +How long have you been taking lithium, how old are you, etc.?",Bipolar +49564,"Manic Spending Sprees I'm diagnosed bipolar 2, and whenever I'm manic, I get reckless and spend money like mad. Does anyone have any advice to help with stopping this? It's killing me and makes my depressive episodes way worse.",Bipolar +50321,,Bipolar +50166,,Bipolar +46813,Pressured speech... what is it and who has experienced it? Can someone give me an example of what it is? I think I get it a lot. I have anxiety as well as bipolar 2. Can anyone describe to me what it feels like?,Bipolar +47068,"Book: The Master Key System The Master Key System by Charles F. Haanel + +[http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/mks/](http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/mks/) + +&#x200B; + +I am finding this book useful for controlling my thoughts, concentrating on what I need to do and meditating.",Bipolar +50199,"Nocturnal Panic Attacks? Anybody experience waking through the night to a panic attack? It happened to me twice last night. I can count on one hand the total number of panic attacks I’ve had in my life. Not real sure what that was about. Anxiety has been a problem for me, but not so much with the full-blown panic. Just curious of others who experience them, do they tend to happen in clusters? Do you get them during the daytime too?",Bipolar +50358,I'm so tired of being bipolar for the medication factor alone. I try to refill and stay on my medication but there's always an issue between cvs and my drs.office regarding some of my medications. The Dr office will say I have a refill in and then I'll go to CVS and they will say it's awaiting prescriber response and it can only be refilled with the drs approval. (it's Depakote) then I call back the Dr and they say no it's in there but they will call and NOTHING ever gets done. This has resulted in me multiple times being out of my medication when I need it overnight and now I'm up at 4 am. Listen I have to work tomorrow! I have a life. I can't just be up at 4 am feeling all weird and not being able to sleep. Should I change Drs or what??? Pissed off,Bipolar +49630,"I dont know what happened to me + +Hi, currently I am not diagnosed, I hope it does not bother anyone, but bipolar type 2 is being suspected by my psychiatrist. And I had some doubts (I'm not asking for diagnosis) because lately I have been going through dark days, but today something extremely strange happened to me that I do not know how to name or explain to my psychiatrist. If anyone has felt this way, I would appreciate it if you could tell me about your experience please. + +I was talking with a friend about my emotions, and I remember that from one moment to the next I got caught up in a specific thought (like a delusion). And then it was like I had emotionally exploded, I felt out of myself, I started sobbing very loudly, my breathing was heavy, I couldn't control or stop myself. But it wasn't like the moment or the conversation led me to it because of the intensity, it just happened. I was hugging myself, I couldn't stand him touching me. I felt like I was getting small. I really have no idea how to explain it, but what was most impressive to me was how spontaneous it was and that feeling of not being in control of my own body. After that i felt numb and confused.",Bipolar +46315,"Fuck Fuck.Thats right.Fuck. +I got back on the road as a truck driver and already want to quit .Just started this trip Sat with many delays. +Waiting on disptach for several fucking hours. +Fuck.Good fkn pay but for what? +Lose my shit on some fkn idiot that drives like shit and end up in jail or shot by racist asshole trigger happy cops? +Recommmend me a job someone.If not.Im.getting my engineering or writing degree. +M +I was hoping to save enough to start a trucking business.Maybe not. +12 gauge from Walmart sounds pretty fkn good right now.",Bipolar +46774,Crying on and off I guess I'm having a mixed manic episode because I am crying out of nowhere. I cant sleep...how long will this last without meds? Will it go into something worse? I want to scream cry and dance and laugh all at once. I have depakote but no Dr...i live 30 mins from a Dr and my insurance sucks. How quickly will the depakote work?,Bipolar +45826,Bipolar weightlifting I got back into lifting weights about a month ago. I hadn’t been in the gym since I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 two years ago. I’m on lithium and abilify and was wondering if anyone knows about how lifting weights and meds mix. Will I still be able to build as much muscle/strength as before? I’m a 20 year old male. ,Bipolar +49749,"my amusing hypomania sign just a funny anecdote, one of my telltale signs of being hypomanic is midnight baking/cooking. batches of cookies, muffins, bread. it may suck but damn is it delicious",Bipolar +46686,"Has CBD made anyone here /worse/? I’ve been smoking weed really heavily for a few months, and during my last manic episode it was giving me symptoms of psychosis like hearing voices and eventually started giving me 3 hour long panic attacks where I’m /convinced/ I’m dying. I finally decided to quit weed and threw all my weed out. I bought CBD oil at a hippy grocery store here and decided to try that since it’s literally proven to not make you intoxicated, calm anxiety, and there’s even studies showing it to be an antipsychotic. + +Last night I took it for the first time and I did feel great for the first hour or so. I was estatic that I finally found something that can help me sleep with out making me psychotic. Until I ended up having another panic attack. I became very anxious that every little ache I felt or inch I felt was a sign that I was going to drop dead from cancer anytime soon. I was shaking so hard and would stand up to do something but become so distracted that I’d just walk back and forth a few times and then lay back down in bed. I even heard voices like I usually do when I get really high on strong sativa. I honestly, definitely felt high, and CBD isn’t supposed to make you high at all! It’s just supposed to be like a muscle relaxer. + +I’m honestly so confused about why I had this reaction. I’m not manic anymore, I have definitely crashed into depression and have been depressed for a week or so now. The fact that I’m not manic and *supposedly* wasn’t high when this ‘panic attack’ happened is really concerning to me? Especially because I was still hearing voices? (I say *supposedly* because since there’s not any regulation laws on CBD, technically the manufacturer could leave traces of THC in it and not tell you, so I guess theoretically I could have been high. But I bought really expensive CBD from a really reputable store, so I’m hesitant to think that it would be spiked with THC) + +I don’t have any of these symptoms during the day when I’m completely sober. I thought CBD was safe, everyone says it calms you down and relaxes you. Why tf did I have the opposite reaction? What are your experiences with CBD?",Bipolar +45571,"Pre shift anxiety so I work for a starbucks inside albertsons. I've been here for about a month and everything has been going okay. But I've found that I always without fail get anxious about the day ahead of me, I've been this way since I got my first job 4 years ago. Once I go to work I'm 90% better, but it starts again the next day. You would think that if you had a good day then it would disprove all the worries you've had, but there's always the thought of ""today was good, but tomorrow could just as easily be terrible"". I know many of you deal with this as well but I just felt like ranting to people who would actually understand me, after all misery loves company. + +I'm about to go into work and I'm dreading every tick of the clock. Good luck to everyone else who's fighting the good fight today. + +",Bipolar +46191,"Slowly getting worse, idk what to do Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I just need advice on what to do, my mental health is rapidly declining even with medication, most likely due to the severe toxic environment/relationship I'm in with my partner. I'm 26 and I dont know how to leave (we are on a lease together) or where to go. My parents live in town and say I can come live with them again but they are toxic in their own way, as much as I love them. + +I dont have any close friends who I could get a place with and I'm pretty much broke, even though I'm on disability for mental health reasons. I wouldn't be able to afford my own place unless I went the sect 8 route, which I dont think I can due to the waiting list in my area being over a 2 year wait. + +I've spoken to my therapist about all this and she never really has any solid advice other than ""you have to do what's best for you"" and I'm at the end of my fucking rope I just need some direction on what to do, anything would be helpful. I'm trying my best but damn.",Bipolar +46367,"Wwwwooo guys I feel ssso great right now (had a couple shots) while the family is gone. It's great but sucks cause I gotta pretend to be more sober when they get back. I'm fucking up though for real I don't know if my meds are working and kinda want to stop but don't want my psych to take me off of a stimulant cause I need my job as much as mental health. I've been drinking because everything was so meh but I think if I stop my meds I will be great for a bit then hit some lows, I don't want to do that but I do. We'll see.......",Bipolar +46827,"Should I call my psychiatrist? -TRIGGER WARN- I don't know what to do. All of the sudden last Friday I took a nose dive deep deep into suicidal/harmful depression. I saw my Pdoc Thursday, when I was doing ok. + +Now I am constantly thinking of suicide. I tried to smother myself with a pillow, twice. I figured it wouldn't work, but gave it a go. Then I tried to see if I could get a gun from Amazon - spoiler alert... no you can't -. + +I was in so much mental anguish I self harmed the ""typical"" way... but that wasn't enough. I wanted to break my hand. I needed to. For three days over and over I've been beating it with a hammer. Yesterday it was as swollen as a half a golf ball. + +I haven't told anyone. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to go to the hospital again. I tried calling my therapist, but she only works 2 days a week. I'm afraid to call my doc. I don't want to waste his time, or for him to think I am just trying to get attention or something. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate for help, but I don't trust anyone. + +I've tried sooooo many treatments. Last month I finished a round of 25 ECT with Ketamine sessions. I've gone through all the drugs. Nothing helps. Nothing will ever help. I just want to be put out. And I 100% do not want to go sit in the stupid hospital. That would make 6 months in a row. ",Bipolar +49717,Brain candy guess Guess my brain candy (5 days Worth + suplements for the vegan on to!!,Bipolar +50459,"I got a stern reminder that being stable doesn’t mean I am cured I recently had to lower my lithium (under doctor supervision) because my lithium level was too high. I started to notice that I felt less numb. I felt butterflies in my stomach and a warm, fuzzy happy for the first time since I was a teenager. It was intoxicating. So I thought to myself, maybe I don’t need my lithium anymore. I never tried stopping it completely after ECT. This was a bad plan… + +For the last few days I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time too. The overwhelming depression, self hatred and urge to harm myself. It was terrifying. And I found I was completely out of practice in suppressing those feelings. + +Back on my lithium… I am the first one to advocate taking your pills so I feel like a hypocrite. I have been reminded that deep in my mind bipolar is still there and still capable of destroying me. It was humbling, terrifying and discouraging all at the same time. Today I mourn the fact that I will never be able to fully feel emotions and will always have to be “sedated” to some degree. I shouldn’t complain because at least I have stability. But that taste of what life is really supposed to feel like and knowing I will never have it has left me in a bad way. I feel ungrateful for the stability I have and greedy for the way I used to feel before getting sick. I feel here is the only place where people will understand what I’m going through. - sincerely a very tired bipolar warrior",Bipolar +49940,Should a bipolar person be with another bipolar person? I often wonder if I would be ultimately happier with a bipolar woman. Who else besides us can even begin to understand our thought processes and patterns. I wish so much that my wife would understand just how lonely I am right now. I know its not her fault. However I am pretty sure if it was the other way around I would be much more interested and comfortable with communicating and comforting her. Im sure its hard for her to not take things personally and being bipolar isn’t an excuse for abuse. I do not and never have abused her ever whether physically or emotionally. I have spent a-lot of time in our room alone lately and figure if Im alone now and married then wtf am I still even married when I could be alone by myself.couple weeks ago I started all of the sudden getting up at 4am and going to the gym and cleaning the house and doing all the dishes over and over again. I would rather be stuck in that mode then this one. Anyways sorry for the rant.,Bipolar +49544,"Finally in Remission Hi everyone! Got back from a trip to Denmark last Friday and currently hypomanic at home. It was a rough week but I’m interested in support right now. + +I’m doing fine meaning I have my family and friends around me. I‘ve been on meds for 11 years but I missed them twice in Copenhagen and drank because I was anxious. I went solo after being sober for 5 months. I’ve never been to Europe before so it was all a bad combination. Now I know my trigger for drinking: anxiety. I see my therapist on Monday. + +I’m being told I’m doing everything right but I still get scared it will be as bad as my last episode.",Bipolar +45679,"Started Trileptal. Any thoughts on how to manage side effects? Hi! I was recently diagnosed with bipolar. I was previously on Lamictal, but I got hives on my feet and elbows that started spreading. So, my psychiatrist changed me to Trileptal 300 mg morning and night. + +I was wondering, how do y'all deal with the side effects? What are the side effects you've experienced? + +I know that I should be thankful that mood stabilizers are working, but I really don't know how to cope with how tired I feel. And I'm afraid of the acne side effect. Skincare is one of the only hobbies I really enjoy and it makes me super sad that something that helps me feel stable could interfere with the hobbies I care about. ",Bipolar +49473,,Bipolar +45496,"Seeing things can be a medication withdrawal? I been bit down lately since I lost my pet unexpectedly over the Christmas break, I was riding the hyper train for a week and a half then until the day my pet died unexpectedly my mood drop and after the new years I forgot my meds a few times thus rare thing I do, was my idiot fault I know... + +I wasn't sleeping well earlier in the week at 3 am in the dark I thought I saw a shadow person in the distance but it could of been just my imagination of being tired. The last time I saw shadowy people I wasn't sleeping well and sort of in the dumps since Christmas, I have been on my period for 3 weeks due to the neximplanon I been on it only for 4 month still my body getting used to it. I think my iron might be low I been having low iron issues here and there majority of my life so could be the contribution. Going to a doctor get that tested soon. + +Its been a few days since then so it hasn't happened since maybe I am paranoid but that's rare. I am spiritual as a belief so it could contribute fear. + +Edit: I am back on them once I had my routine and medicine alarm on my phone set ??",Bipolar +45618,"What normally happens in your mania? Hi, +I was just wondering what mania feels like to you and what you do in the episode. No other reason except interest. + +Thanks",Bipolar +49696,,Bipolar +45502,"Trouble controlling anger? Has anyone gotten any advice about controlling your random anger outbursts? My therapist and psychiatrist are basically saying I need to talk to the other about it (Oh you need to talk to her about adjusting your meds, oh you need to talk to the therapist about different strategies) and not really helping me deal with it at all. Whenever someone makes me angry I start feeling and reliving every painful or hurtful experience they've ever caused and all the anger I had then comes back fresh and raw. I'm really running out of ideas on how to handle it.",Bipolar +46004,"Business travel w/ bipolar? Hi Friends - + +I've got Bipolar, but i've also got a cool startup job. They want me to travel for three weeks a a time, which I just can't do given my sleep schedule and the time zone changes. HR knows I have ""health issues"" that prohibit the trip duration they want, and they asked me to make a list of what I am able to do and what I am unable to do. So far, I have the following: +- Must have solid 9 hours off-set for sleep +- Trip duration of no more than 5 nights - + Must have set schedule of work hours + +What am I missing? What else do I include? Clients are film production people. + +THANK YOU!",Bipolar +49738,"Newly diagnosed I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 three days ago and have already been diagnosed with anxiety and autism. I don't know where to start. I am relieved, because my mother thought I was having hormonal changes or I was exaggerating, but my father actually tried to help. Whenever I think of those moments, being frustrated over my mother saying that I was using it as an excuse after I got diagnosed with anxiety, it saddens me. I feel better because now she is more careful. What do I do know ? I have some coping methods like music, physics, math, etc.",Bipolar +45404,"Feel alienated and alone on NYE Every winter I get into a deep depression. It makes me focus on how I have no meaningful relationships and especially no significant other. I’ve developed a resentment for couples. It’s just jealousy but it becomes intrusive thoughts. “I’ll always be alone” “you’ll never find someone for you”. It’s sick thinking but I don’t know how to make it stop. + +I want to be able to be happy without needing things outside myself. It feels pathological, because on certain meds the obsession goes away, unfortunately along with my sex drive. I would usually talk shit about people who need to be in a relationship really badly to feel okay. But goddamn I just want to cuddle and be next to someone. + +I hope this year is different and better than last year. Good luck guys. ",Bipolar +45397,"Family question diagnosis - vent Start with the stuff that isn’t as bad. + +Mom and sister have asked what makes me bipolar. I hide basically everything because nothing good has really came out from opening up. Planning on talking to my sister about it as I trust her more. I beat around the bush (“uhhh... Bipolar symptoms...”). I think they just want to know what’s wrong, but I’m anything but comfortable talking about it, especially with more than one person. + +And then there’s my dad! + +I accidentally told him because I said something about my antidepressants while I was on a high. He asked who told me and I told him a psychiatrist. Didn’t go too much farther. Whatever, cool. I asked him a bunch if he was upset because he didn’t look very happy, he said he wasn’t. + +Two days ago he said something like “I’ve never seen you have a mood swing.” Took me off guard, really irritated me. You don’t need to see me have a mood swing for me to have them. You don’t need to see me hitting my legs and crying because I feel I’m awful and no one loves me for me to have an actual problem. He’s seen my self harm before, do you think that magically goes away? Oh I act fine, but that doesn’t mean I am. And he has definitely seen me in my highs. When it’s night and all I do is talk and talk more than normal? Bipolar isn’t necessarily severe mood swings and acting off of them anyways. + +Then last night he decided to turn it up a notch. I said something that must have riled him up. His response was that I was “making [him] tripolar.” + +What the fuck??? + +I told him that’s not how it works and it’s not in the DSM and hid in my room. + +Seriously. What the fuck? Do you not even care how your daughter feels? Do you not even care bipolar is characterized in part with depression that was *obvious* when I was 12-15 and you did *nothing*? Even when I had cuts all over my damn arm? Do you not care that I was in enough pain to go to a psychiatrist? That I have low self esteem that you say upsets you, but if I do anything about it suddenly my issues don’t exist? Do you even think bipolar exists? + +Thanks Dad. + +You really made me feel loved. + +^I ^want ^to ^break ^things ^:)",Bipolar +50414,"food as the main coping mechanism I eat a lot, more after I started my meds. When I am stressed or under pressure I have a big appetite for food like sweets. I eat even more when manic even tho I am not hungry. I think I do it cause I have control over it, but I see now how out of control it has gotten. I gained like 40 kg in 1 year and I am so unhappy with myself. I wish I could loos them kg over night. But the appetite never gets away and I eat again. It is vicious circle.",Bipolar +49932,"Maintenance meds refills I am so tired of having to deal with withdrawal symptoms every 6 months because of meds checks. + +I've been on meds for 20+ years. I have been taking my current meds for over 10 and the same dose for 4 years. Yet, every six months I have to play this ridiculous game of cat and mouse to make sure I don't run out. My GP understands this, but his office staff is a revolving door of annoying. + +I can't speak for all meds, but I start experiencing withdrawal from Effoxor in about 6 hours after a missed dose. Lamotragine is not as severe, but I know by 10am if I forgot to take it the night before. + +I am currently stuck in the Dr office/pharmacy circle of hell waiting for meds while I am dizzy, nauseous and brain dead.",Bipolar +46379,"FDA approves Generic Latuda ! GoodRx mentions Lupin, but the FDA site lists several other pharmaceutical companies. Hopefully these work just as good as the brand name latuda, and are significantly lower in cost. + +https://www.goodrx.com/blog/fda-approves-generic-latuda-lurasidone-schizophrenia-bipolar-depression/ + +https://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DevelopmentApprovalProcess/HowDrugsareDevelopedandApproved/DrugandBiologicApprovalReports/ANDAGenericDrugApprovals/",Bipolar +46681,"What about ketamine? I have major issues with my meds to the point where I stop taking them frequently. + +&#x200B; + +I also have an opportunity perhaps to explore ketamine therapy through a very reputable hospital. + +&#x200B; + +What should I know?",Bipolar +46168,"Coming out of an intense manic phase need help keeping it together. I don't know, I can just feel it. The kind of really instable feeling with the piercing headache after feeling kickass for a couple days. + +I need help keeping it togeter til it passes. I've been keeping it together for so long and I don't want to land myself on the streets or in jail again again, does anyone have any advice?",Bipolar +45832,"Losing my step dad My step dad passed away on Monday, he was in hospice care. I was there as he took his last breath and I watched the life drain from his body. That experience has changed my outlook on life. I no longer want to kill myself. I don't know if this is a permanent thing or if those feelings will someday come back but for the first time in years the thoughts are not in the back of my mind.",Bipolar +49967,"Advice - Long Term Relationships I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years, and for about 5 of those years we were aware I am bipolar. I am noticing it is really starting to take a toll on him…. The highs and lows, the impulsivity, the lack of coping skills I have….. I don’t know what to do anymore because the feelings of guilt are consuming me and I’m becoming impulsive and just empty…. + +How can a long term relationship truly survive? + +*I am medicated btw",Bipolar +49685,"Work absence and diagnosis Long story short, I had to leave a job after only six months because of a medicine induced manic episode and subsequent diagnosis. So it doesn’t look so bad like I just quit a job (I actually did turn in a two week notice) could I use the bipolar, or just general mental health issue as my reasons with recruiters and hiring managers? Just wondering if anyone else has been through this, because I’m sure I’m not alone.",Bipolar +47018,"I swore to myself I would never get into another relationship after this wretched illness destroyed my marriage, and literally eliminated each of my friendships like a world class sniper. Found someone finally.... And then I’m told today that all too familiar, “I deserve better, you are not emotionally available, I’m very needy and you’re not here even when you’re here.” Pink slipped back into absolute loneliness. Fuck.",Bipolar +46223,How often do other Cyclothymics switch between the phases? I want to know how long each state usually lasts for you or what time or thing typically triggers you to switch. For me I can’t even tell yet I was only recently diagnosed and I am learning myself.,Bipolar +46901,"Choosing between physical and mental health. I was having severe stomach problems, so my physical doc took me off my Vraylar cold turkey and the results weren't good. When I felt better, I wrote an essay about it (and other things, health care, the ability to talk to your loved ones when in crisis, etc) recently published by As It Ought To Be Magazine. I'm bipolar 1 and a poet and essayist. I wasn't diagnosed until 45 years old. Before then life was a heck of a roller coaster. I'm mostly high-functioning now. I work as an English prof. Happy World Bipolar Day! [https://asitoughttobemagazine.com/2019/03/29/frankly-im-not-doing-well-by-daniel-crocker/?fbclid=IwAR1aB\_aQbULtEJIpzWWbkBSRXG6maTo6fjVvob89HwfnvY8bxwgVWFzMNdE](https://asitoughttobemagazine.com/2019/03/29/frankly-im-not-doing-well-by-daniel-crocker/?fbclid=IwAR1aB_aQbULtEJIpzWWbkBSRXG6maTo6fjVvob89HwfnvY8bxwgVWFzMNdE)",Bipolar +46883,Tired I’m so tired of being tired ,Bipolar +46602,"Faking Sorry if I rant but I don't know why people never seem to take me seriously. I've been accused before of exaggerating. And my moods being a ""self-fulfilling prophecy"". Early on, I was diagnosed multiple times with depression and anxiety. Because 75% of my mania is comprised of mixed/dysphoria. I get very moody. The only question anyone ever asked was ""do you spend a lot of money"", and when I was younger I didn't have the money to spend 20,000$ even if I wanted to. Anything else -anger, excessive energy, no sleep, etc- was labelled anxiety or agitated depression. Whenever I disagreed -and rightly so- ""professionals"" thought I was just vying for a bipolar diagnosis. Despite my reactions to the antidepressants they always insisted on. The only way I got properly treated was after a case of road rage. + +Years later, I struggle with the fear of being accused of faking. I can see it in their faces. And at times I'm afraid that I'm actually faking. It's been really taking a toll on me lately. 2018 was a year of relapse for me and again with an empty bank account I'm faced with having to ""prove it"". Right now I feel like I should stop taking all of my meds and embrace whatever my brain gives me, maybe I'll be blessed with some euphoric mania. I feel sick. I hate myself. Screw all of them. + +...The point was to ask if anyone has felt this way/been treated this way. Even if no one answers, I just need to let it out somewhere...",Bipolar +46101,"lithium and tummy trouble? hey dudes, + +I've been on lithium for about two months now. I'm on 900 mg/day taken once per day in the evening. For about a month now I've had nearly daily bouts of diarrhea. It's always in the morning, which makes sense given the evening dose. + +Does anyone else have this? Does it go away? Suggestions on what to do? I super hate this. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +47030,"Abilify I'm sorry if this has been discussed before. I just started Abilify. I'm currently on lamictal and welbutrin. I was doing pretty good, but then I added the Abilify and it has made me extremely irritable. Is this normal? Will it subside in a few weeks?",Bipolar +46143,"Best friend needs me and I’m not there (long post) My best friend recently moved to a new city and doesn’t know anyone. It’s ruining his mental health and I’ve been getting midnight and 1 am texts and calls from him. My boyfriend doesn���t understand that there is nothing going on and he needs someone to be there for him. I understand he doesn’t want me talking to other guys at that hour, but I’m so conflicted on helping a friend or making my boyfriend happy. No matter what I do it’s the wrong decision. When I drink and fall asleep my boyfriend will wake me up saying I got a call or text and I will be in such a confused state I will state a ridiculous lie that doesn’t even make sense. I don’t even realize what I’ve said until he starts yelling at me that I just lied to him. Last night my best friend called me twice and my boyfriend tried to wake me up and I told him some recruiter called me. It’s so outrageous and I don’t even remember saying it. This led to another fight about me lying and our relationship being put on the line. I can’t keep fighting and being the bad guy that’s ruining our relationship. No matter what I am always the one at fault. I don’t think I can survive another fight with him threatening our relationship only to wake up and get told that he still wants this. Last night I got multiple texts and calls from my best friend begging for me to talk to him and he needs someone there. My boyfriend grabbed the iPad and FaceTimed him and told him to stop calling me and hung up. I was a wreck crying my heart out in our bedroom. I wanted to lock myself in the closet and call my friend and be there for him but we were in the middle of battling out whether I’m lying or he wants this and how I was the one who needed to fix it. I woke up this morning and had a text from my friend telling me he had been cutting himself all night thanks to me. Why do I tell people I’ll be there for them when clearly I can’t keep the promise? I’ve let yet another close friend down. I can’t keep letting people get close to me. I ruin every relationship I’ve formed with people because I can’t keep my own life in check. I feel like the scum of the earth who doesn’t deserve a damn thing. I want to make everyone happy at what ever cost and don’t think about the reality of it. I want to rewind time and start everything over again and make it right. At this point I get to keep riding the spiral farther and father down. I could really use a high right now because this low keeps getting worse and worse. ",Bipolar +50340,"Depression phase Had a manic episode back in june. it was bad. i was wired up, didn’t sleep for 38 hours straight. i thought i was invincible. all my friends abandoned me because they didn’t understand the severity of my manic episode. i was impulsive, crazy, and stubborn but it’s because i wasn’t in my right mind. i’m a loner and i feel like no one gets me. everyone leaves. i’ve been in a depression phase for a few weeks, but at this point, i feel so hopeless",Bipolar +45575,"Recent upset and trouble with meds. So i haven't been formally diagnosed because I'm not 18 but I'm currently on an atypical antipyschotic (Saphris). Lately I've been having a few episodes. I'm extra irritable and my mood has been kind of volatile. Last week, my long distance bf and i broke up. He was cheating on me and I've been really upset. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is normal or if it's a side effect of this disorder. I don't know if i should go up on my medications or ride this out. Does anyone have any advice or have felt anything similar? ",Bipolar +46307,"Approaching Mania? How does your mania appear? Does it come on suddenly? Or can you feel it creeping up? At what point do you alert your psychiatrist if it’s creeping up? + +",Bipolar +45867,"Does Depakote give you anxiety? I started Depakote about two weeks ago. Zero side effects, felt like taking nothing - no drowsiness or anything. + +But the last two or three days have been the worst anxiety and panic attacks I’ve had in years. Ones that last hours and involve extreme dissociation / dysphoria. At 23 I can honestly say I haven’t had my panic attacks and OCD flare up this bad since childhood when I had no coping mechanisms . + +I almost checked myself into the damn hospital just because I wanted someone ELSE to deal with my crazy ass lol wishing to be sedated so the terror and intrusive thoughts and obsessions would go away and give me some peace. Lasted at least five hours. None of my usual mind tricks / coping tricks were working, just kept getting stuck in that OCD/anxiety panic loop, unable to break free or calm down. Scared for literally no reason and then scared wondering if that means I’m going crazy (because fear of insanity is one of my OCD obsessions). + +My sister finally talked me down over the phone but this is H E L L. It’s like being a scared kid who doesn’t know what to do about this feeling, but all over again and I’m an adult. + +I’m wondering if anyone thinks it could be the Depakote? My anxiety and OCD were at high functioning levels for years until two weeks of Depakote. Can’t see the doctor until the 23rd because he’s on vacation so I’m asking y’all until +I can ask him.",Bipolar +45669,"We need to support one another. Seriously. I mean real, solid, ongoing support. + +This subreddit is amazing, and I thoroughly encourage the use of Skype or something more ""real"" to help heal and support one another. + +Since posting this, I have found the Skype group (see comments), and that is really helpful. Please join if you want to, and we can build an even greater community. + +Thanks, and all the best! ",Bipolar +46792,"Sex and bipolar It is so, so easy for a woman to get laid these days. Combined with a hypomanic phase and a little too much time on your hands... I understand how people can get addicted to this. + +I've been through this before, but the force of it always catches me off-guard. Can't stop doing it. Can't stop thinking about it. Anyone else go through phases like this? How did you handle it? Please don't get preachy on me, just need a friend.",Bipolar +46274,"Thought on being involuntarily held or medicated? So I myself had a very very rough start when I got diagnosed. It was lucky for me that my dad knew what to do and was able to convince me to get help in a very dangerous manic state. + +A few people close to me in the past few years have gotten mentally ill. With some success they manage to get to the hospital but there is nothing that can be done if they refuse to take medications. I have a friend who’s in a psychosis state and is refusing medications. He’s not functioning and no matter how often he’s brought to the hospital he won’t take the medications so he can’t get better. + +I’m wondering if you guys had any experience or any thoughts on whether being involuntarily medicated while your in a complete psychosis stat should be allowed. + +Mostly just thinking and ranting. I just wish that there was more that I could do. Because I was the same as him 5 years ago but I was able to be convinced to take my medication. + +Thanks guys. ",Bipolar +45858,"A tiered approach to medication Lately I’ve read a lot about medications people are being prescribed and their feelings towards them and I want to share my feelings on this. I am not a doctor. + +Bipolar patients need mood stabilizers. Lithium or lamictal. That is what treats your mood disorder and for the most part what you will always need. Other symptoms, either bipolar in nature or created by the mood stabilizer, get treated by other secondary meds. Insomnia? Probably seroquel. Psychotic features? Probably abilify. Tremors? Gabapentin. Anxiety? Stay the fuck away from benzos even if they try to give them to you. + +Is this generally the consensus? I feel like in the mental health community people just think drugs are drugs and maybe something will work eventually. That feels sad from my perspective. I do 1800mg Li along with 10g seroquel to sleep as needed, 25mg bupropion as needed during seasonal depression, and 40mg propranolol for performance anxiety when I need to perform. It’s a lot of drugs, but it’s really just the lithium at the core of it. + +Thoughts? ",Bipolar +46545,"Microdosing antidepressants? So me and my psych have been working on addressing my negative symptoms and she suggested microdosing an SSRI. I've had bad experiences with SSRIs (and every other antidepressant out there) in the past, they always make me manic. Does anyone have experience with this? I'm also on lithium, trilafon, seroquel, ativan, and adderall.",Bipolar +49860,Loss of appetite on Seroquel so to my knowledge seroquel is a weight gainer so my doctor avoided putting me on it for a while but now i’m taking 50mg and i have a huge decrease in appetite. even when i’m hungry i make a meal and only end up eating 1/2-3/4 of it. anyone else experience this?,Bipolar +45599,"I’m bored but don’t want to do anything? So I’m bored at school. Not really sure why, I’ve got a lot going on I feel at sometimes and at others literally nothing. I’m on some meds for bipolarism but I’m finding that I almost enjoy just sitting and doing nothing over everything.",Bipolar +46675,"Anxiety from Vraylar? I recently got prescribed Vraylar for bipolar. The doctor said it would also help with my anxiety. The anxiety does happen less often, however, I'm still getting it occasionally and when I do, it is the worst it's ever been. Has anyone else experienced this? Does it pass?",Bipolar +49777,"It’s like the line between reality and mania is blurred Had major hypomanic/manic episode July-December last year. I know what my realities are, I really do. However it’s like the obsessions creep back in and my brain won’t stop cycling over a person that I know isn’t healthy and a POS. I know they’re intrusive thoughts. + +I know what I need to do to combat them. But damn it’s a fight every day. I don’t remember having this fight 10 years ago. That being said - we are fighters. We can do this. I’m surrounding myself with people who know me and love me. + +Anyone else in the same boat?",Bipolar +46716,"The Logical Loop The suicidal ideation always starts in the most reasonable, logical way. I hate cycling. I don't want to do this anymore. Kill yourself. It is almost entirely devoid of emotion except for maybe fear of the horrible human being I am becoming worse. It has rooted. Soon enough it will be an emotional, visceral, barely controllable impulse if I can control it. + +All weapons have been surrendered. The proper people notified. Now I wait. Again. Forever. I guess.",Bipolar +46462,"not wanting to take meds? i want to get better! i really do! there's no excuse for me not taking vraylar at all + +all i have are two days of community college a week. i impulsively quit my job (hi mania), so i don't have to worry about being excessively tired while in retail. + +im just over being drowsy & needing to nap every day. everything seems overwhelming too. i hate feeling that way. tbh there's a part of me that wants to stop seeing a psychiatrist & just use weed/alcohol to help out. i daydream about getting high a lot. it's detrimental i know! i know drugs aren't worth it and hurt instead of help! but that's where i'm at rn + +anyone else have that feeling during the trial process?? is there something wrong with me??",Bipolar +46211,"I’m becoming hopeless Everytime my pdoc prescribes me a new med I immediately get online to see what side effects are the most common for a lot of people, if they liked it, how long it took to work, etc. I know it’s anecdotal information but it eases my anxiety about new meds. + +And everytime I look there are people who say it doesn’t work, it made things worse, but then there are also a lot of people that say it’s their miracle drug and it gave them their life back. + +I know everyone is different and it takes time to find the right combo of meds but I’m so tired of getting my hopes up thinking “maybe this time this one will work” and so far it never has. + +People sing praises for Lamictal from the mountain tops and I’ve been on it for months and the only effect it’s had is making me stupid. Rexulti made my existing sleep problems worse and unbearable hand tremors. SSRI’s didn’t work for obvious reasons. Latuda made me hypomanic. + +I’ve been on 450mg of Wellbutrin daily for three years and it doesn’t even keep me afloat anymore. I want to die every day and everything makes me cry. + +So now I’m on Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and I’m starting lithium but I don’t want to take it in the first place because I doubt it’ll work and it’s incredibly high maintenance compared to every other option It seems. + +But I’m taking it. Because I have to. And it’s not going to work again just like nothing else has. I’m going to be anxious and suicidal until I die which might be sooner rather than later if I can never find any reprieve from this awful disease + +",Bipolar +46349,"Lamictical and depakote Okay! Sorry in advance on mobile. + +So June 1, 2018 I had my third child. I was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago and never really took eating healthy very seriously. After I had my third baby, I lost my mind. + +Anyways, we started working with a doctor and trying to find treatment. She started me off with lamictical (? Spelling) and I had never been happier! It worked wonderfully and it was the best two months of my mental health in a VERY long time (at least 10 years). While I was upping my doses slowly, I got the dreaded rash. So off of that. Since then I’ve been on at least 7 different kinds of medication and keep having to switch because of side effects ruining my life. (Everything from weight gain, to hallucinations). I still haven’t lost any of the weight that meds caused me to gain (at least 50 pounds). + +I went and saw my doctor today and she wants me to be on a mix of depakote (extended release because immediate didn’t work) and fluoxetine. + +I’m asking for any and all advice. Trying this many different meds in such a short amount of time is awful. It’s taking a toll on not just me, but my family. I need to get this crap figured out! I’m almost to a point where I don’t wanna be medicated at all because apparently?! None work for me. I’m so disappointed and discouraged. + +Has anyone had this cocktail of meds and had it work? + + + +",Bipolar +45881,"It’s 10am and I don’t want to get out of bed The depressive hot yesterday. Hard and fast and vicious. That thought process “unneeded, unwanted, unremembered” I was laid off a month ago. I check the job boards and nothing is even interesting. I’m 40 years old never been married and don’t have kids. What I do is who I am, I have nobody to share my life with, nobody to make working worthwhile. I want to open my own business but I need to raid my 401k to do that. I don’t see the point in having a 401k when it’s likely I will die in my sixties. But everyone thinks it’s a bad idea to use my life savings to do something that interests me. If I show people the statistics of reduced life span for bipolar and they disregard it. If I only have 25-ish years left why shouldn’t I make it the best 25 years doing something I love? Why should I get a job that is just a job with no purpose other than to buy another day. The funny thing about starting my own store is the people who would never shop there think it’s a horrible idea but the people who would shop there and owners of similar shops think it’s a great idea, challenging, but great. My father literally told me to get a job as a janitor at the hospital. I want to do my own thing but I’m being blocked and told to do something safe. Is anything worth doing ever safe or easy? Hell no! I can’t escape the working class playing it safe. + + +If you’re wondering, this is the store I want to open; it would be called The Basement, if you think about the kids from Stranger Things and the basement they hang out in then roll that forward 5-6 years what do you have? A place with music, and books, and games all specifically tailored to what they enjoy. The store would be selling specific genre records (growing at double digits %), dystopian/speculative/sci-fi/high fantasy books; and games like D&D and Magic and Catan and similar things. Stores that carry everything and try to cater to everyone struggle but boutique style stores serving specific markets do okay and can develop a solid customer base. But apparently, having done tons of market research and knowing the product and knowing the area and what sells and having worked in retail management for years are all indicators that I should do something “safe” maybe I should be a get a job as a bus driver instead. ",Bipolar +50423,"Tiredness relieved ON Medication I have seen a lot of posts with the inverse saying there medication makes them fatigued. But recently I took Zyprexa for 2 months (and thought I would be fine off medication, and didn't like the sex side effects) and on it I felt totally normal and also stopped taking naps. My fear of fatigue, tiredness, and sleepiness was essentially gone. + +Now I am back to crying all the time, napping all the time and exhausted. I am 36 and have been bipolar my whole life but I did make it 12 years off meds before recently taking them. I don't ever remember being that tired. I had no idea depression could do that to someone. I want to sleep all day. I hate it.",Bipolar +50105,"Gave me all of this EMPTINESS, I’m in MANIA My ex boyfriend is someone who can literally change my day in one encounter. +Don’t make fun of me Please!!!! I love him so much and consider him my only soul mate. I have been love sick since we broke up when I was 18. I’m 25. If you are interested in more details ask me. Anyway he limboed into my DM a week ago. I can’t stop thinking about him and my thoughts and emotions are racing. I can’t stay in a single mindset. My ego is breaking. I am starting to feel dysmorphic. I bought some kratom which I swore I wouldn’t do. I’m an alcoholic and addic + +I need a friend. Please someone. 😞 + +Edit: just to paint a picture. I’m 25, gay, pretty cute and I love to listen to long techno mixes.",Bipolar +47071,Grapefruits? Someone just informed me that grapefruits and juice can increase blood levels of some bipolar medications and cause problems. Is this true?,Bipolar +50578,"I have question about your depressive episode Is your depressive episode caused by + +specific life event (triggering event) + +or + +flow of time and biological cycle? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +mine is caused by specific life event (triggering event) + +and idk how other people go thru depressive episodes + +i am recently diganosed (my doc was confused about my symptoms and tracked me for a long time) + +and i want to be educated + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +thank you so much and hope yall have a good day",Bipolar +46938,"Can someone help me? Venlafaxin + Lithium Hi! I have a major depression disorder, and I'm taking antidepressant meds for 4 years (3 years of Escitalopram (Lexapro) and, since last year, a growing dose of Venlafaxin (Venlift)). Sadly, the antidepressants done nothing about my mood, so my psychiatrist considered the possibility of me suffering from bipolar II disorder. She prescribed me 300mg of Lithium, sticking with the venlafaxin. + +Has anyone had a similar experience? What should I expect? The Li will stabilize my mood and finally the venlafaxin (Now in 225mg) will do its job properly? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks in advance! ",Bipolar +46296,"Living without meds I stopped taking meds 2 months ago. I will never put that garbage into my body ever again. I tried everything you could think under the sun and still had BP symptoms as well as the horrible side effects of sleeping all day, being overweight, being constantly hungry, pissing myself in my sleep, having no sex drive, not being able to have an orgasm... I could go on. I can't live with medications, but it looks like I can't live without them either. So that leaves no option but death. I've been trying to figure out how to kill myself but I can't even figure that out. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?",Bipolar +46929,Depakote and Panic Disorder I was given 500mg of depakote along with 100mg of Seroquel and 25 mg of Lexapro. At first when I was on Lexapro it didn't help much with my panic disorder but when I went on this depakote and Seroquel during inpatient it was like night and day. It was like my panic was gone and I could finially relax and function. Is it common to use this medication for panic disorder?,Bipolar +50294,"Anyone with comorbid bipolar and pssd? Wondering how you experience the combo. + +For me the anhedonia makes every hypomanic episode feel incredibly empty and frustrating. I just feel increased energy and irritability and never «good». I never feel pleasure. Only thing i notice that improves is some motivation to socialize and date so i become very talkative and impatient but i never feel rewarded for the motivations i get. Its like an itch you cant scratch. +The increased «mental libido» with sexual dysfunction is also extremely frustrating. Anyone relate?",Bipolar +46165,"What would you do if the one medication that saved your life gave you a debilitating illness? Lamictal is the only thing that has ever helped me. Lamictal saved me. I have been on everything under the sun and I owe my life to lamictal helping me. + +But it also gave me a recurring, disabling fever condition. I get recurring fevers once a month around 101-104 degrees, they last 2 weeks, and my only symptoms are cold sweats, chills, and really awful flu-like aches. This condition leaves me housebound half of my life because its like having the flu constantly. I have done extensive testing for this through a rheumatologist. + +My periodic fever syndrome started after starting lamictal 3.5 years ago. It started exactly a month in as I titrated up the dose. I am 99.9% sure it's tied to the medication, and my rheumatologist thinks that's very likely. I've had 6 attempts of getting off lamictal, and I absolutely cant and possibly never will be able to get off of it, so I'm stuck. It helps me too much, so I end up suicidal lowering my dose. Rheumatologist started treating me for the fever syndrome anyway in case treating the inflammation would help, but I've only had a slight reduction in symptoms. Psychiatrist says there's really nothing else for me to switch to with my history of everything I've tried, and it's down to either getting off or finding a way to treat my fevers. (I take lithium as well, but it doesn't help depression like lamictal does) + +Apparently 5% of people who take lamictal have periodic fevers as a symptom, and even lamictal-induced lupus is a thing which is terrifying. I don't know where to go from here. :/",Bipolar +46406,"Should I contact BP ex in this situation? (Cross posted from r/bipolar sos.) My BP2 Dumped me last summer in the middle of a mixed episode. Her stated view was that it was because I had made too big a deal out of something to me when she was in a bad space. She left me on the day I had a pretty significant head injury. Because of various medical stuff she had going on at the time, we didn’t really speak much. We had been planning to marry and move together. That didn’t happen. I was completely blindsided by all this. Three months later, I left town for medical treatment. Even though she said she wasn’t going to do this, she completely ghosted me when I left. +My treatment hasn’t really worked. Eight months later now, I am getting closer to being unable to do my work. It looks like I have CTE. I don’t have a whole lot of support in life, in terms of family and other people, and I’m losing my livelihood. My personality has changed. I am not planning to continue my life like this, and I consider it a matter of maintaining some personal dignity in the face of what’s going to be an unpleasant future. Yes, I’ve done everything I can and I’m continuing to try, but I live in the United States, and there’s not a real viable set of alternatives for me. I will probably end my life later this spring or in early summer, when I can wrap up what I need to do to not leave a mess other people have to deal with. This question is not about that decision. I have my dignity, and the prognosis isn’t good. +And I don’t know, because I can’t tell, whether she has ever come out of this phase, or if she’s still in it. +Should I send her a letter and and tell her goodbye? It’s the only unresolved relationship in my life. It would be especially helpful to hear from people with BP. Would you want to hear from me, or would it be better just to find out from other people? She was having a hard time with all relationships at the time, and I don’t believe at least then she hated me. I think she still loved me. I don’t want to do it in such a way that would feel weird and manipulative, I want to give her something tangible that, if she feels anything at all at this point or some point in the future, will let her feel some kind of closure or at least that she wasn’t abandoned. She doesn’t know how bad it’s been or that it’s degenerating. How do I say it?",Bipolar +49845,"some questions I have adhd and my psychiatrist suspects I have co-occurring bipolar ll. i don’t know how i feel about that cuz it seems like there’s a fair bit of overlap between adhd and bipolar symptoms even though they’re completely different conditions. here are some questions i have: + +1. how does co-occurring adhd affect bipolar symptoms? + +2. how does hypomania/mania look different than a mood shift related to adhd? + +3. if you’ve ever just been on stimulant medication, what was your experience?",Bipolar +46178,"Bipolar and different perspectives? Hi everyone. I’ve been a lurker for a long time. I’ve tried to read through the subreddit and the internet to find other stories that relate to me, but I can’t seem to find it. So here it goes! + +Background: I’m a 20 year old male college student diagnosed with MDD in Feb 2017, which transformed to a Bipolar2 diagnosis in Nov 2017. I’ve been on Lithium and Wellbutrin, adjusting dosages according to my psychiatrist. However things got rough ever since October since my insurance ran out so I haven’t been taking a steady dose of Lithium since (dw my insurance is now reinstated and I can’t wait to be stable wooo!) + +Sorry had to get that aside. So sometimes when I notice myself being either depressed, hypomania, or in a mixed state, I can’t help but doubt my perspective on life. Sometimes my views on religion, family, self-worth, body positivity, and other thoughts change so frequently that I can’t tell if it’s my bipolar influencing my thoughts or if I’m experiencing life changes. + +I’ve been doubting and question my religion (islam btw), sometimes feeling so distant. And then all of a sudden, I’ll enjoy praying and I feel so connected to God. Imagine a twist on a perspective like this but also to weed, alcohol, body image, etc. That’s been happening quite a bit. + +A question for you all: have you guys ever questioned your perspective on life and doubt it being an effect of Bipolar? Sometimes I don’t know if this is who I am NOW, or if it’ll change in a few days/weeks. It really makes it hard for me to be grounded in my beliefs and have a steady outlook on life. I always think my values on life are changing because I’m growing as an individual, but what if it’s Bipolar? I would really appreciate it if I could hear any similar stories, updates, or comments where anyone could relate to this feeling. Sometimes I feel so lost because I’m sick of analyzing my thoughts and feelings 24/7 and comparing it to my previous feelings “x days or weeks ago”, and finally trying to see where and who I am today. + +TL;DR — Bipolar 2, 20 year old college guy trying to figure out if these different perspectives on life I’m having are due to bipolar or are natural? How do you distinguish what’s grounded and what’s bound to change?",Bipolar +49816,"Sudden depression? I (f 37) was recently diagnosed due to a hypomanic episode that related in an inpatient stay. +I have been on lamotrigine 3 months. + +One day about 2 weeks ago, I woke up depressed, tired, slow, irritated, not caring about anything, etc etc… +Real depression, not a bad mood & not hormonal! +The depression came on so suddenly, like being hit by a depression-train. + +It got worse every day, until I was snapping at colleagues, thinking about not being here etc. +Life was getting unmanageable. + +This kind of depression is nothing new to me, I expected it to last for months. + +On the 9th day, I woke up no longer depressed. +Completely “normal”. +Which obviously I am not complaining about… + +Is this sudden onset depression common? + +I am obviously pretty cautious in feeling better, sort of wondering if I am in for a rollercoaster ride over the coming months…? + +Any support or advice, others’ experiences much appreciated…",Bipolar +45994,"Depot (long acting injection) for bipolar Hi all. I currently work mixed day and night shifts, taking lithium and quetiapine. The lithium causes no problems for me but I'm really struggling with having to delay my quetiapine (otherwise I'd be passed out at work!), and I can see a pronounced reduction in its effectiveness. + +Is anyone here taking depot antipsychotics, and if so, which ones? I am thinking this might be a better option for me as the drowsiness of APs is a real problem for my working life. + +Thanks ",Bipolar +50410,"my bipolar is mostly just ✨spicy depression ✨ Sure, I get some highs (cyclothymia) but at this point most of my short life was spent in depression. + +I tried most flavours of depression : there is the burnt out one, the high functioning one, the low functioning one, the one where you lay in bed for weeks, the one where you pretend everything is fine but you just stare at a blank wall all day, the one where you can't speak anymore, etc + +And I only got a sprinkle of highs. I know I shouldn't wish for more highs but the lows are so goddamn low, I just want to get at level 0. Hypomania is not a side dish in my plate : it's barely a spice. + +So spicy depression is my lot. I feel I'm always pretending to believe it's gonna be okay. + +So yeah. Bad day today. Bad meal. + +Maybe I'm just a terrible cook.",Bipolar +50404,,Bipolar +45941,"Venting about getting help Just venting since I would like to get therapy and psychiatric help but it’s so hard to start when I switch constantly from anxious and restless to sluggish and always exhausted. + + + +I have a history of severe depression since like 11 years old but the SSRIs I took when I started treatment in high school made me manic. Now I’m 25, a few years back my doctor started treatment for bipolar after I had severe anxiety as well but the medication I took was very powerful and the side effects were harsh and I was in school so I stopped... it’s now worse than ever, and as a result I don’t really have the sleep schedule or willpower or energy or mental frame of mind to get medical help or therapy. + + + +No matter what my mind wants it gets vetoed depending on my state, so ultimately I don’t get anything done and just spend the day unfocused. I also have severe agoraphobia depending on the mood/cycle I’m in, usually when I’m depressed, so I rarely leave my apartment. I know if I could just get started and get to a doctor it would get a lot better. + + +Thanks for listening",Bipolar +46894,People who're doing well on Lamotrogine; what dose are you on? I saw a post where a lot of people were calling it a life saver. I've been on it about a year now and I seemed to have plateaued a while ago and am now slipping a bit. I'm on 150mg a day. Just wondered what dose people were taking. Maybe I need to speak to my doc about an increase?,Bipolar +46327,Imo r/bipolar has become too mainstream How many people on r/bipolar actually have that condition? Seems like a good percentage of the posts on there are just people complaining about stuff everyone will go through at some point. Seems like some are self diagnosed and are just trying to fit into the whole “being bipolar is cool” fad. It’s not fun or cool when you hurt people are actually permanently damage your future and loose friends. I can get the humor appeal of that sub but I mean come on. This disease isn’t something that should be taken lightly. Even one of my coping mechanisms is humor but half the stuff in there is just dumb shit.,Bipolar +50252,"I Am Worried I Actually Don't Want to Get Better Hi everyone, + +I have been seeing the same therapist for almost two months now. While I think we are working well together, I am getting the feeling that I am repeating myself every session. + +I just can't help but overthink my whole life. This tends to obsessively question my career, constant negative self talk, and occasional suicidal ideation (although I could never take action, so its mostly more self torture). I'm eating maybe 1 to 2 meals a day, inconsistently showering, never doing laundry, and so lethargic that I mostly just lay down and watch tv/YouTube whenever I get home from work. I don't take walks, I don't try to think positively, I don't really exercise, I don't practice gratefulness, etc etc. I feel like a loser, but the thing is...I don't make any effort to change or feel better. + +My therapist keeps clearly telling me this rumination is simply not beneficial. I know this is true, but it feels impossible to stop. I can't feel better without taking action (again, total agreement with my therapist), but taking action is so hard. Its getting to the point where I am thinking I am comfy in my misery. I no longer have hypomanic phases thanks to medication, but at least when I was hypomanic I was putting in effort to better myself. This nonstop depression is so consistent, I am beginning to hypothesize that its not really depression, but me continuously self sabotaging myself and always blaming it on something external. + +Can anyone relate? Would you say this is just more negative rumination or overthinking? If not, how does one shake the refusal to take action for their own sake?",Bipolar +45514,AMA Not ask me anything... against medical advice I took half my Latuda dose a couple days ago to see if it would give me more energy. News flash I slept horribly and have been feeling the effects ever since. Not sure if this is leading to depression or what because I rarely get depressed episodes but I cried and obsessed over the stupidest things yesterday. Anyone know if this is possible just from reducing one dose?,Bipolar +45715,"Possible Misdiagnoses? During the winter of 2016 I was diagnosed with bipolar I, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, and a few years earlier ADHD. At first I felt that my diagnoses made sense and I was willing to take my meds. While there were times where I accidentally or deliberately didn't take them, I was mostly consistent. I did in fact feel better in time, though there were many ups and downs. The summer of 2017 I felt that my medications were working amazingly. I was productive, holding a job, writing a book, and overall happy. Beginning my first year of college even started off well. Towards the winter I became very overwhelmed but everyone was due to finals. I expected when our winter break came I would calm down. Throughout the break I had very low energy and a few major mood swings. I convinced my boyfriend to go on a road trip to California with me in the span of a few hours. I felt very excited and couldn't stop talking and laughing. Once we got there I was back to feeling depressed and unhappy, even more so because I thought going on a trip would help me feel better. I thought maybe the cold weather was what had me down, but the change to warm weather made no difference. When we got back in early January I took it upon myself to go off my meds cold turkey (which I know is not the best thing to do and I don't want to suggest that to anyone else). I expected my symptoms to worsen from withdrawals but nothing really happened. I was slightly more emotional and less zombie like, but nothing major. Since then I've only been taking Mydayis for ADHD and I've felt a lot better than I have in the past five months. I've had relatively normal moods, getting sad when something saddening happens or vice versa. This leaves me extremely confused. Is it possible that I don't have the things I was diagnosed with? Or could my symptoms just be taking a break? I had extreme mood swings at the time of my diagnoses and even in the summer briefly. I really just want to know if anyone else has experienced this or has any thoughts.",Bipolar +49892,"Pharmacy Has To Order My Medication I won’t say what the medication is, but it is for my anxiety. My anxiety seems to amplify my Bipolar and my psychosis symptoms. Well we learned tonight that my pharmacy has to order my medication and should have it tomorrow. I took my last one tonight (I can’t order ahead of time due to it being a controlled substance). I ordered it today because of that reason, I have to wait until I have two pills left. I am due for it next in the morning before the pharmacy opens. I am scared I am going to withdraw because I been on it for 5 years. Does anyone have any advice to help with withdrawal symptoms if I have them? I am so scared you guys. I have always been scared about being without any of my meds. + +For extra context, I take my medication properly and pass my drug test the facility I get treatment at.",Bipolar +45915,Bipolar defending you from deep emotions? Is it possible for your hypomania/mania to start when your body knows that you wouldnt be able a specific situation? Everytime Im supposed to feel really devastated I start becoming manic? ,Bipolar +45531,"My Current Battle with Employment Discrimination This is a long story, so I'll try to keep it as brief as I can and only include pertinent details. For those that just want a brief summary"" + +**TL;DR the Peace Corps rejected me because I admitted to having bipolar, not thinking anything of it because I am high functioning and my doctor can clear me. I decided to fight this to the bitter end, since I am not my mental illness and they can't reject me based on their discriminatory and outright archaic assumptions about the condition** + +I am a 23 year old college student that will graduate this spring with degrees in Biology and French. Three years back I was diagnosed BP II, and as most of you know it was a wild ride. By communicating with my psychiatrist and by making the right lifestyle choices, I have remained totally asymptomatic for more than a year. + +Being young and hoping to join Doctor's Without Borders someday, I decided I would join the Peace Corps to gain the necessary public health program experience and to expand my French (I'm looking at West Africa). I spent a large amount of time working on my resume and statement, and kept in touch with my local Peace Corps recruiter. He gave me advice and assured me that I was a shoe-in for a position in Benin because of my health care experience and language experience (I work as a full-time Rec Therapist while finishing classes full time. Not easy, but incorporating the right lifestyle choices has helped my time management). + +After I turned in my application, I was informed that I would have to fill out a Health History form, divulging any medical conditions that I had. Naturally I was honest - my doctor said he'd provide a letter clearing me medically, and my recruiter already said verbatim that I am ""extremely qualified"" + +What happened next blew me away. An automated email was sent to me after I turned in the Health History form informing me that my ""condition"" could not be supported in the country I chose. *Not one person from the organization would speak to me further about the issue*. I've been told dozens of times about how they're sorry, but they simply don't make those decisions. What's really shocked me is that *my resume and essay we're not even looked at because of admitting the condition*. + +I have been hiding my mental health ever since my diagnosis. It has not affected my professional life or my work. I am high functioning, and need no more ""accommodation"" than a ""healthy"" volunteer (whatever that is). Having them reject me for checking the ""wrong"" box made me incredibly angry and hurt. But instead of accepting this, I've been fighting it for the past 2 months. I've called senators, lawyers, mental health advocacy groups, and have begun the informal resolution process with their Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. When they asked what I hoped to get out of this process, I told them that I want to be medically cleared, and that I want them to put an end to this discriminatory process. Odds are they will not give me an inch, so I am prepared to take this to District Court (there was a case in 1996 where a volunteer was rejected because she admitted to taking antidepressants. The court ruled in her favor, and this decision gives me hope). + +The most exciting development will come the end of this month. Patrick J. Kennedy, nephew of John F. Kennedy (who coincidentally founded the Peace Corps) will be coming to my city to advocate for mental health rights. Patrick Kennedy was diagnosed with bipolar himself, so I'm doing everything in my power to go to the conference and talk to him, get him a letter, anything - if there's an offhand chance to get him to lobby the PC on my behalf, I need to take it. + +I'm not giving up this fight until I receive my letter of acceptance, or until they tell me ""stop calling us or we will contact the police"". I will let you guys know the newest updates as they come up - if you have any ideas for me on how to fight this archaic government process, please throw your ideas here. + +As always, never give up trying new things to get your condition under control. It is possible, and things will get better if you try.",Bipolar +50253,"Manic for 6 months ending up in jail where I had a suicide attempt. 38m. February 2022, I finalized my divorce. I had been trapped in a dysfunctional marriage for 7 years. During those years, I was incredibly stable, but incredibly over medicated. Towards the end when things were at their worst, I was alone self medicating with alcohol. During those years, I was on Venlafaxine, Seroquel, and Lamotragine. + +In February, with a fresh start to life, I started exercising and eating better. I stayed away from my phone and computer, and I would go out and socialize. I started looking better and feeling better. Knowing the side effects of the meds, I started tweaking the dosages. Seroquel in particular is incredibly sedating, so I thought I could go down a natural route, managing my bipolar with healthy stress management. I saw improvements. I had more energy, my rest was better. I kept lowering the dosages and kept seeing improvements with my mood and energy. I was aware of the risk of mania, so I was very acute in getting enough sleep, and if I needed to, I would use seroquel more as a PRN. + +Fast forward to June, and this slope lead me to a path where I was completely off all medication. I was making strides in all areas of my life. In particular, my relationship with my daughter. We were having a blast and an incredible start to the summer with my motivation and optimism for life. All while this was happening, I was keeping watch on my mania, never denying that it could pop up at some point. + +It would be about when July hit that the first occurrences of mania became apparent in retrospect but wasn't obvious or out of control at the time. It was the beginnings of losing touch with reality. Passing interactions with other people, I would sometimes get a hint that I had a larger purpose. But they were fleeting and rare, so I didn't take notice. + +By the end of July, I was semi-regularly battling against these thoughts that the strangers I would come across would be part of a conspiracy, and that there was some purpose behind their being there. I was in conflict with myself. 90% of me didn't believe it, and thought it was ridiculous, 9% thought that it was my duty to be humble with getting recognition and attention, and 1% was feeding into the delusion. + +By the end of August, I was getting exhausted with the notion of being at the center of everything. I hated the idea that I had to be studied, admired, and protected. I ""knew"" that something was happening on the outside world, and I didn't know if I was seen as a reconciler of religion, science, and all cultures. I was seen as the person to bring the whole world together and the inspiration of a movement that could potentially solve any problem. It was seen as the opportunity for aliens to finally make their presence known. + +By the end of September, I knew there were reasons that ""the movement"" couldn't directly come to light to me, and I being in a sort of partnership with the movement, I started giving my personal belongings away. I would donate my clothes, my coin collection, my golf clubs, my old baseball glove, and most of my other stuff. It was my belief that each item would go to a person in need, and every item would be cherished by someone. I sort of expected to get something in return, but never did of course. Or if I did, I stole it thinking I was meant to steal it. I was also writing and doing art at this point, which I was also leaving behind on purpose in public places. + +When October rolled around, I quit my job because when the world was following me, I saw my job as a way for me to feel normal for a while. I didn't want to give up my old life, but I had a higher calling. It would have been around October 24th when I was completely exhausted from all of this. I couldn't handle the pressure. I couldn't handle the fact that most of me still didn't believe this shit, but that brainwashing-propaganda-part-of-the-brain that kept feeding me these thoughts, I was exhausted fighting that all those months. + +I had the idea to go find some weed. I never smoked it before in my life. So, I went to a vape store and asked if they had anything that could get me high. They gave me a canister and a battery. I didn't look at it or do any research because with everything being planted and all information to my phone being filtered, there was no point. I went home, and smoked it. I went into a panic immediately. Thinking I was going to die, I called an ambulance. They came but they didn't seem too concerned when they got here. I was getting frustrated because they weren't taking this ""emergency"" seriously. + +I was out of my mind psychotic. I fell to the floor ""devolving"" from a human to a werewolf, to smaller and smaller mammals up to and including being a microorganism. I remember ""going offline"" and coming back online a few times. I remember seeing a coordinate graph where the line kept splicing off the edge, and it felt like I kept dying. It felt like I was shedding timelines where I actually died there, but I kept surviving in this one. I remember being in the bed in the ambulance with the EMT, and he would turn from male to female, and I wrestled with the idea of ""male"" and ""female"" at the most abstract level (almost like properties of the universe). I remember re-living my life organized in different ways, and coming back to the EMT each time, thinking that this is the infinite cycle of existence. I have only small fragments after that, but apparently I had a ""freak out"" moment in the hospital, and they saw it as me being aggressive to one of the personnel. I was arrested, handcuffed, and brought to jail, charged with a felony, simple assault on emergency personnel. + +In jail, my parents were not willing to bail me out without being on meds. The jail system here is completely dysfunctional, and there's basically no mental health support, so there was no way for me to get on my meds. After about 3 days living in an open dorm situation, the other inmates took notice of my behavior and obvious mental health issues. They're bored and destructive people, so they preyed on my mental weakness, and I stayed strong as best I could. I can't go into every thought I had, but there was a night that I thought my family was kidnapped and were being tortured and murdered one by one. The inmates were feeding the thoughts, and when it got to my daughter, I couldn't hear anymore. I went into the bathroom, got as high as I could (about 8 feet), jumped, and pushed off the ceiling trying to land my head on the concrete. I didn't lean back far enough and landed on my spine. The pain was intense and I threw up the shampoo, soap, and cleaner that I drank about an hour earlier. I shit my pants and was writhing in pain. The officers rushed in to check things out. I pleaded for them to shoot me telling them it will save my daughter. I kept begging them to do it. They told me to get up. Walking to suicide isolation, I felt reassured that what I did put an end to them murdering my family. I was in suicide watch for 20 days, which, if someone weren't suicidal, would make someone. I had no clothes but a velcro towel, and I had to shit in a hole and smash the turd down with my foot so it would go through the bars. I couldn't have more than a few squares of toilet paper. Nothing to read. My bed was the concrete. I'm not complaining because it is what it is. It's jail and I was there. But what was the worst part is the back pain lying on the concrete. No position felt good, it was simply finding the least painful position and last as long as I could before that became too much, and just keep shuffling to find something that's tolerable for just a moment. + +After 28 days, there were enough people who got involved that I was finally able to get released on bail with a treatment order. I got back on my meds, and I've been on them since. I've slipped into a real bad depression. The charges were dropped 10 days ago. I'm resuming my job search (it's impossible to find a job with 'assault' on your record). The arrest itself can still be found if an employer does a certain background check, but nothing I can do about that. I slipped into drinking semi-regularly, but I've pulled out of that the last 2 weeks. All in all, I'm holding on by a thread, but there is hope. + +Oh, I forgot that the night of the incident. I had all my money, $20k dollars in cash, stolen from my apartment. I have no proof, but my intuition tells me that one of the officers took it when they were searching my apartment.",Bipolar +50326,"Just Diagnosed today Hi, first post to this Sub. + +(If anything I say is not allowed please let me know in a message even if you do remove the post so I can be more mindful in the future) + +Kinda nervous moving forward but today I finally went to a Psych and after about an hour of talking about different thing's she settled upon one sure for diagnoses of BP2 and immediately prescribed Latuda 20mg at night during dinner. I had spoken with a therapist years ago and was on Trintellix and also tried Zoloft which did nothing but give me headaches and the other made me rage out (respectively). I found out many of the things I do in my daily life are actually Symptoms of both Mania and Depression and that I'm going through episodes of both Multiple times a day for the past 4 years that we covered. + +I also have Chrons disease and I saw how it can affect weight and appetite, so I'm hopeful it can boost that as well as get my Racing thoughts, Insomnia and Hyper Productivity to a normal/manageable level. Im very leery about taking it with the experiences I've had with antipsychotics in the past, but my Dr also works with my wife who is ADHD and BP2, and I've seen how our Dr has helped her by listening to her and not just her diagnosis. + +I'm on a Month trial at the 20mg so hopefully no severe side effects or medication interactions and this does what it needs to. And I apologize ahead of time to those on this Sub, I will most likely be spam reading a lot of your posts in the coming days just to understand different perspectives of this, cause I won't say I love it but I have a special thing about researching all I can about new things, especially medical. + +Thank you all in advance",Bipolar +46829,"Psychiatrist came into my work? I recently saw my psych, and most of what she asked me about my work. The next day, she comes in(never seen her there before) and makes eye contact with me the whole time and it was really uncomfortable. I'm working on switching to a new doctor soon, for other issues with her. + +Was it inappropriate for her to show up? Maybe she was just hungry? She asked me a lot about work, now she suddenly shows up??",Bipolar +46796,"Fantasizing that it's all a bad drem I keep fantasizing about waking up on the ground during a boxing class I took last year and having it all just have been a dream. + +I was diagnosed about 9 months ago with type 1 and it has taken everything from me. I have crippling insomnia and couldn't leave my bed for the entirety of last week. My only comfort is thinking about waking up in that ring and going back to a normal, successful life.",Bipolar +50108,"Mania after sickness I am coming out of a bad Illness- pneumonia or bronchitis. Now that am I am starting to feel better I am starting to feel euphoric like mania is coming on. It’s like feel so horrible for so long and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is pushing me into mania. + +Has anyone experienced this?",Bipolar +46270,"miserable (tw self-harm and suicide) I'm having a horrible depressive episode. It's been over a year that I've felt this empty and hollow inside - dissociating. Even in previous episodes, I don't think I've felt this much dissatisfaction with any of my hobbies. + +I have no interest in drawing or gaming, I just want to lay in bed and rot away. I can do little more than get up and take a shower every day, but I'm trying as hard as I can and it seems like it's only making me feel shittier. + +I cut myself tonight, and I can't stop fantasizing about dying. I'm not actively suicidal, but... Death sounds really comforting right now. + +On the bright side, it isn't a mixed episode. I just with I knew when it would be over. :/",Bipolar +49547,,Bipolar +46730,"Feeling guilty I have FMLA and i took a day today because it was impossible to get out of bed. I felt foggy and extremely apathetic. I'm going through a tough depressive episode after just having a mixed episode. +My fiance never misses a day even when hes sick. I feel like a loser who can't suck it up and go to work. +I work on the phones for mail order pharmacy. You have to be on your toes because of high call volume and doctors and nurses can be fucking ruthless. Ive tried moving departments but I have to get a note from my therapist who I can't get a hold of. +I know the stress from my job is triggering these episodes. I was doing better with my old position before I got certified. Then they moved me to this other department and its 10 hours a day at a desk on the phones. +Am I just being a baby? How do you guys handle work and being bipolar? ",Bipolar +46107,Done I’m worried today’s the day I want to die more than anything ,Bipolar +46935,"Lithium poisoning after fasting???? Okay so I’m 23 and I’ve been on lithium for 2 years now. I had lithium toxicity last year after a manic episode (I have bipolar 1) my psychiatrist at the time did not take into account my very small body weight 80 pounds, and increased my lithium to a toxic amount. Within 3 days of being on the high dose of lithium I was hospitalized with lithium poisoning. I did not even realize I had lithium poisoning. I developed a tremor and had an urgency to urinate but that was it. No other symptoms. Since then I have been very careful with lithium. + +However I just ended a fast of 5 days. I had been taking my lithium 300 mg twice a day like directed with no issues. Last night I took my 2nd dose for the day and got sick a few hours later. I feel very odd I guess?? I feel nauseous and I have a slight tremor. Could it be lithium poisoning??! Any other symptoms I should watch out for??? How long do I have until this is serious, serious??? Should I just go by and get my levels checked just in case??? Any advice??? ",Bipolar +49866,"Struggling to keep friendships and being social I received my Bipolar diagnosis last year and it’s been really affecting my friendships. I’ve managed to break every bond I once had and now I feel like I’ll never be able to make these type of connections again. I understand that people grow apart, life gets busy, and sometimes it’s better to be alone. I value my alone time, especially now that I’m learning to love this new version of me. However, I don’t want to be lonely 😔 Is it bad that I can’t keep friendships? I often ask myself if I’m just a bad friend or even a bad person because I can’t keep friends. I see my partner and their friend group and I just wish I had people like that. They make it look so easy, while I’m over here overthinking everything I said or did or if I overshared and overwhelmed them…Does it ever get better? Any advice ?",Bipolar +46793,"Always questioning my diagnosis I dunno why i do this but basically I worry (probably part of my anxiety) that I don’t have bipolar (actually schizoaffective bipolar type). Then i remember that I’ve had up episodes where im full of energy and make bad decisions and all that great stuff, I’ve had an episode where my confidence flew through the roof got super cocky had unlimited energy but i still feel like im somehow making it up? I dunno",Bipolar +50421,AWARENESS DURING PSYCHOTIC MANIC EPISODE I have been wondering for a while how much self awareness do you people have during manic episode or is it nearly non existent because i don't mostly remember doing some stuff I must have done while i was manic but my friends and siblings always have video proofs of it.,Bipolar +46119,"BPII dx as of today, after 5yrs of unhelpful MDD treatment! Well, I've been half expecting this for awhile, and wondering how I'd handle it if things went this way. I'm actually relieved. + +This partial hospital program I'm in has really hammered it home that no matter what I'd be dealing with a chronic episodic illness, whether MDD or BP - so the only real difference for me outlook-wise is I might actually get some effective treatment now. I might not be ""treatment resistant"" now. I might not have to do ECT. I could cry. I'm getting up there on Lamictal, with a bit of Vyvanse, and I feel just... *normal!* Or what I imagined it would be like. Here's to hoping it's only up from here. I was already fighting for my life, so I know it won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but maybe now I'll have better help. + +This community is something special. Thanks for everything thus far. + +",Bipolar +46987,"Antidepressant-induced mania even while on a mood stabilizer? howdy partners + +I have Bipolar Type II and am currently taking 1250mg of Depakote. I'm extremely happy with how well my moods are regulated on this medication; I still have a full emotional range without experiencing devastating highs and lows. However, I also have OCD and GAD, and so my psychiatrist recently prescribed me 10mg of Lexapro. I've only been taking it for around a week, but I'm concerned that it's triggering mania. My mood the last few days has been exactly what it is when I'm entering a manic episode: increased sex drive, irate, distractible, and impulsive. I knew that antidepressant-induced mania was possible, but I thought concurrently taking a mood stabilizer would circumvent that possibility. The fact that it's only been a week encourages me to attribute this to something else, but nothing has happened to trigger anything like this and my moods have been so good as of late. + +It may be worthwhile to note that, while my Depakote blood concentration is in the therapeutic range, it's at the low end. Is it possible that the Lexapro is inducing a manic episode and my blood concentration levels aren't high enough to combat it? Or is a week too short of a time period to induce such a thing and I should just call this a bad week? Has anyone here experienced anything like this? + +thanks y'all",Bipolar +50309,"Telling people you are bipolar I just wanted like opinions/consensus on this cuz I’m curious. Who in your life do you tell that you are bipolar? (I think this might be a bit of a generational difference here too.) I work in healthcare and hear the way people talk about bipolar patients all the time I don’t have many Gen-Z coworkers for context most Gen-X, boomers, or millennials and it’s abysmal. (I’m a millennial for context). They talk about us the same way people would talk about people convicted for domestic abuse, or a hit and run or a violent crime. Just disdain. So I would never tell anyone at work that and broadly speaking these people are supposed to be empathetic and nice healthcare workers. So I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what people actually think of us when they don’t have to be politically correct about it cuz they know they aren’t speaking to people who will be directly hurt or offended by what they have to say. + +I’ve noticed younger people like people on tik tok or like just in general not only talk about it but put it front and center as a key piece of their identity. They put it in cover letters that go out to job applications and to me this just seems wildly naïve. I wish we didn’t live in that world but we have negative stereotypes about being late being unreliable or substance abuse issues and even though a lot of us don’t do those things often or at all. + +People who have power to dictate important parts of our lives like what jobs and opportunities we have will go with default assumptions like those and will go with the “safer pick” the person who doesn’t specify that or the one who doesn’t have that info readily available on tik tok youtube insta Facebook. I appreciate awareness generally but I would caution people about where they are broadcasting what and to whom. Don’t give other people a reason to slam the door on you before they even meet you. Curious what other people from all different age groups think.",Bipolar +46530,"Have you been in Involuntary/Assistant Outpatient Treatment? Take our survey. Hi all, MadInAmerica.com is conducting a survey of people who have been court ordered or compelled to be in Involuntary/Assistant Outpatient Treatment (IOT/AOT). + +[You can take the survey here.](https://www.madinamerica.com/involuntary-outpatient-survey/) + +If you aren't sure what Involuntary/Assisted Outpatient Treatment is, here's a quick overview: + +Outpatient commitment—also called Assisted Outpatient Treatment (AOT) or a Community Treatment Order (CTO)—refers to a civil court procedure wherein a judge orders an individual diagnosed with severe a mental disorder who is experiencing a psychiatric crisis that requires intervention to adhere to an outpatient treatment plan designed to prevent further deterioration that is harmful to themselves or others.",Bipolar +46390,"Improving Physique and Body Confidence causing onset of some mania symptoms? Hey guys, I’m a 22 yo male in college and I have been lifting 6 days a week for a while now. I would say I’m pretty built and over the last few weeks I have definitely been becoming more defined (guess that happens when the holiday season and all the food that comes with it finishes haha). My body confidence is definitely improving and my attitude in general has become better because of it. The issue is the last time I really looked good it caused me to almost have too much confidence and for someone with bipolar I feel this could be an issue. The last time I crashed there were a lot more factors involved and I have learned a lot since. I do not drink alcohol anymore and I have cut back my marijuana usage substantially. I am currently eating a normal amount of food and getting enough sleep everyday. But I’m noticing some possible signs of some type of mania coming if I’m not careful. This means I will probably have to up my meds dealing with the mania, but these meds often cause weight gain, so taking more may take away a lot of what I have worked for exercise-wise. I feel like I’m stuck in that I have to make a choice between my mental and physical health (along with my body confidence). I will obviously choose mental health if push comes to shove because I do not want to experience the same crash that I did last time, but it just feels unfair. + +Has anyone had some type of experience with this? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up and I’m wondering what is best to say to her. It’s just a really frustrating scenario I haven’t seen talked about before. Thank you for reading!",Bipolar +45565,"Diagnosed yesterday with many things I am 31. I was diagnosed bipolar 2, ocd, adhd, and gad. + +Anyone else have a similar mixed bag? + +My Dr put me on modafinil, wellbutrin xl, and risperadone. + +Anyone have experience with these?",Bipolar +45833,"Switching to Abilify questions and concerns I got taken off 100 mg of Seroquel. It kept me stable and on a pretty good sleep schedule. My anxiety and mood were under control. I stopped self medicating with alcohol. I also moved to a much less stressful environment and was put on 100% unemployability by the VA. I have a very supportive bf. Things were going well. The only problem with Seroquel was weight gain. It was driving me crazy that I was working out constantly and eating better than I ever have, but still seeing fat accumulate all over. The doc I see now put me on 5 mg Abilify and 2.5 mg of Ambien on Wednesday. It’s Saturday where I live and I’ve slept no more than 3 - 4 hours each night. My anxiety is so pronounced that I barely leave the house. The doc also mentioned that he doesn’t believe I have bipolar (it’s a military doc, of course) because I have seemed quite stable (duh because the meds were working) and said that he’d probably take that diagnosis off before he PCS’s. I had also told him I’d be on Abilify before with no effect, but he said I should try it because it *might* work this time. I’m exhausted. How long should I wait this out and has anyone had success with it?",Bipolar +45889,"Has anyone else experienced catatonic symptoms when very low? About a year ago when I was in a very low period, I was hospitalised on 3 separate times where I was unable to move, speak or pretty much function which lasted for about 6 hours. Before these episodes set in, I remember being heavily suicidal and feeling hopeless and like I had no energy at all (like I was melting into the chair), and then seeing visuals in my surroundings. + +The bit that is funking with my head is whether my mind is playing tricks on me and I could actually move and speak but I was pretending or whether it was all legitimate. + +Does/has anyone else had similar experiences of these kinda catatonic symptoms?",Bipolar +47082,"Only thing keeping me from ending it all is being loss drunk Unfortunately I’m not drunk enough yet but I just made it to the convenience store to stock up. I’m so sick and tired of this, dude",Bipolar +46923,"Questions for you people, who are bipolar. Hey, I'm actually not bipolar, but my ex-girlfriend is and I had some questions regarding the disorder. I hope that this is allowed on this subreddit, if it isn't then I'm sorry. + +We dated for 2 years. Before we got together she was in a manic episode and then afterwards we got together. At this point I didn't even know that she was bipolar. She had social anxiety, schizophrenia and depressions, the same as me, so we worked perfectly together. We would sit at home, playing videogames and were just enjoying the company of the other person. + +Then her life changed. She finally found the motivation to get into a new class and I think this is what triggered the manic episode. She was suddenly a complete other person, she spent like 1000$ (all she had) on creative things and new hobbies. She was really outgoing, which I wasn't used to at all. And then it happened. She met with another guy. Then she met a second time with him. Until then I just thought she is finally making friends, but then she cancelled a date with me to go out partying with the guy and another friend of hers. That was the moment I realised something was seriously wrong. We had a talk. She didn't cheat, but she also made it pretty clear that she does not want the relationship anymore. I asked her why and she couldn't even give me an answer. She tried to explain it by ""feeling like she is trapped in a cage."" and I first thought that she meant she wants sex with other guys, but no. She told me she misses the time from before the relationship (her last manic episode). And yes I know that it sounds like she cheated, but she didn't, I know this for a fact. + +Even more things happened. She proposed the idea of a 1 month relationship break (without cheating). I agreed. And I think that was the time where the manic episode manifested itself completely. + +After 1 month I texted her and her response clearly showed me that there is no spark of common sense left in her. She didn't care about anything anymore. She straight up told me that she knew 3 weeks ago already that it won't work. She told me she is currently at a restaurant with another guy and she will bring him with her later to pick up her stuff. When she arrived she had completely new clothes, a new haircut, tons of make-up. + +BUT I also knew that she did not do any of this to hurt me. It was pretty obvious that she didn't really have a clue what her actions did anymore. It was almost like a child that just wants to have fun and that doesn't even realise how his actions affect other people. + +1 week later I visited her parents to get back my stuff and they just cried and told me they don't know what's wrong with her and that she is behaving really weirdly lately. + +So now my questions for you guys : What will happen once her manic episode is over ? Will she feel regret and shame ? And what can I do to prevent that ? She tried to commit suicide multiple times in the past and I'm almost sure that once she realises what she has done, that she will do it again. And the last times I was there for her, but I'm scared that she is too ashamed to contact me this time. After the break up I texted her that she can contact me anytime, but I'm not sure if she will do it. I mean, what happens to you guys once the manic episode is over ? And especially what happens when the manic episode started like this ?",Bipolar +45488,"Just wanted to say thank you for the irc chat link It has helped me so much as well as so many others. We're able to talk in realtime with each other instead of typing out everything and waiting for replies. It's active at all hours of the day and night. I've seen people come into the chat in an absolute crisis and be talked down and feel good when they left. + +I know there was a very short period where the chat link was removed and I almost lost my sh*t. + +I dont think the chat gets the recognition it deserves. I'm not an oper in the channel but I'd be more than willing to answer any questions. + +Some of us old guys grew up on slip/ppp and use chatrooms for 20yrs, it's an invaluable resource and one the moderators of this sub should be proud of. + +Everyone is welcome and you should stop by and say hi :)",Bipolar +49952,"Wanting to be Normal It’s been a weird year. The world became a hotbed of viral death and I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I mean, apparently I just couldn’t let the pandemic upstage me. + +I’ve tried to deny who I am for the past 10 years. If you had to label me, I often am described as an extreme extrovert. All my friends tell me they “don’t know how I do it.” I stay out until 2am, go to bed at 3am, and wake up for work at 6am multiple days in a row without a problem. I do it all seamlessly, making it look effortless. I’ve never missed a day of work because I was tired or hungover, which is why I can’t stop acting the way I do. I don’t know how to say no. The word is literally not in my vocabulary. My lust to wander, be around friends, and experience everything the world has to offer is insatiable, but in an unhealthy way. + +I used to think that everyone else I knew was lame. I would come up with excuses for them; “they didn’t go to a party college, they’re married, they don’t like techno music.” But ultimately, I would get mad that my friends couldn’t handle social interactions the same way I did. Turns out, everyone I know is just normal and I am bipolar. + +Throughout undergrad and graduate school, I normalized my actions as part of the college experience. I still did well in school while partying and sleeping around, so why worry? Promiscuity and drinking is part of college culture, so what if I was a bit extra every now and then? + +Recently though, my disease has gotten the best of me. The thoughts in my head won’t go away. I sit there in turmoil knowing that I am being unreasonable, but I am plagued by insecurity, fear of missing out, irritability, anxiety, and no matter how I try to reason through them, they disrupt my life. + +There is such a stigma on not only bipolar disorder, but mental disorders in general that it has made me afraid to try medication. Why can’t I be the way I used to be without medication? Why can’t I feel like myself without taking an antipsychotic? I know we all need a little extra help sometime, but I am scared. I am scared to admit who I really am.",Bipolar +46691,"Hypomania and False Hope r/Bipolar: “Is there anyone present who is making their first post or has been diagnosed in the last 30 days? If so, please introduce yourself.” + +Me: *stands up* Hey everyone, I’m pickleb1tch, and I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2. I’ve been trying to manage, but it’s getting hard. I’m on meds, but they’re being adjusted and that’s a process. + +I used to love my hypomania. With the small caveat of mild insomnia, loss of appetite, and wanting to do everything at once thus getting nothing done, it’s a pretty good time. The world seems beautiful and I feel euphoric. I become more creative and productive. Being around people makes me happy and I seek company. Conversations become more meaningful and memorable. + +Lately, I feel as if being hypomanic contributed to me doing things “normal” me wouldn’t do. Hypomania let me feel capable and as if I mattered a bit more than I did. Think very mild delusions. Among the things I wouldn’t normally do: A friend (A) had confided in me about troubles regarding her friend (B). I hadn’t been present in either of their lives for almost 2 years for various reasons. So I went ahead and made a long but gentle text to B about maybe considering talking to a professional about problems A mentioned - without telling A that I texted B. A texted me, clearly upset, and I hadn’t grasped the gravity or the sensitivity of the topic. It was something between the two of them and I had breached their trust. I was way out of line. I had been absent for 2 years and thought I could butt in and fix things like a glowing ethereal fairy whose words of wisdom would magically make all things well. I thought I had a connection with them that had clearly been far weaker than I perceived, but thought I was doing a good thing. Writing that text felt like I was genuinely helping, like it would change things: more so than I normally would and looking back at the text I sent to B makes my insides curdle. Like Reggae says, “it wasn’t me”. + +You might think “ok, it’s just one text to your friends what’s the big deal?” For me, a lot was at stake. I hadn’t been there for a long while and was still testing the waters. I had no friends when I came back, and I desperately needed friends. It felt like I kinda had to make good impressions else I’d lose them forever. + +I know this is super mild compared to the severity of others’ mania, but for me it’s new and scary. When I realized what I had done with some semblance of sanity, I just sobbed and screamed in the car for this to “go away, leave me alone, make it stop.” + +So please, if you’ve made it this far, a bit of advice about grounding yourself during mania would be greatly appreciated. ",Bipolar +49817,"Rapid cycling, mania getting worse and ruining my life I have had diagnosed bipolar for a few years now, been on multiple medications and recently I feel like I’m just passed the point of being treated. + +I’ve had some really destructive manic episodes and it has included a lot of drug use. + +My finances are out of control and now I just feel like I have no motivation to do anything with my life. +I hate this I want to live a normal life but I just don’t think it’s ever happening",Bipolar +50020,"Silly impulse purchases We've all made questionable impulse purchases when manic or hypomanic. Some of these can be very negative and detrimental. But many of these can just be silly and just ""Why?"" + +So my question to you all is what is the silliest purchases you've made when manic or hypomanic? + +For example: I bought a pretty black sparkly violin on Amazon (It was on sale!). I don't play violin. I've never played violin. + +Or one time I went to Petco to look at fish. I left with a parakeet, bird cage, and all the fixins... We had three cats, all of them mousers. They would have murked that bird. It was returned the same day. + +So, do you have any silly innocent purchases that make you go ""But, why?"" that you would like to share?",Bipolar +49935,"My mother is a narcissist, Im scared to be one Im scared if its genetic, if Im a bad person. If even asking this question makes me a bad person, like if I search for validation how good of a person Im, how good persons dont ask those questions. + +Everytime I do something good when I tell someone I feel like a bad person because, did I tell it because Im a good Person or did I tell it because I search for validation? + +Im a person whı loves to share. Thats how my character works. Especially to people I like + +I really believe the trauma which my mother caused me lead to my bipolar disorder. + +I don't want to be a bad Person or god forbid hurt anyone (Im an atheist but this fits). How do I know if Im like her? If so how can I be a better Person?",Bipolar +46233,"Did I, or didn’t I take my medication? That wonderful feeling (not!) when your reminder pops up to take medicine and you go to your little pill holder thing only to find that day’s pills missing. + +Did I already take them, or are my days goofed up? + +How often does this happen to you?",Bipolar +49700,"Are you a mom? How is that going? I’d really love to hear from other women who have bipolar and went ahead with having kids. How is that going for you? Do you enjoy being a mom? Is it manageable? + +I’m a woman in my early 30s and got married last year. It feels like everyone around me is having babies and I’m really trying to figure out if I want one. I feel like I could be happy/sad either way. I just started listening to an audio book about trying to decide about kids and I had to turn it off because it was making me cry. + +My husband is sort of happy to go with whatever decision I make. I know nobody is “making” me make this decision, but I don’t want to hit 40 and just say oops guess I never did that. I really just want to make up my mind either way.",Bipolar +49865,"Official diagnosis Just officially got diagnosed with BP1 along with rapid cycling. Was prescribed lamotrigine starting at 12.5mg and slowly working up to 100mg. Along with Seroquel 25mg also slowly working up to 100mg as needed. And Clonzapam 1mg as needed. + +Not sure if this medication combo will work for me, but I’m excited to start the journey before I self-destruct to a point I can’t return from. I’m glad I’m finally getting help.",Bipolar +50150,,Bipolar +45662,"After 1 year with no job, I finally got one only to quit this morning after working half a shift. I’m so embarrassed. + +After over a year of hospital stays, manic episodes and what not, I finally felt well enough to apply for a job at a salon I have been going to and I was hired the same day! I was so proud and excited! I told my friends and family and my sister even took me out for drinks to celebrate. + +Then came Monday and it was just a training day. My anxiety got the best of me and didn’t sleep at all Sunday night but I think I did well on Monday except for a few times I think I talked way more than I should have and possibly said some stupid shit. So then I was scheduled to work again today. I haven’t slept this entire time, I’m manic and have had 3 panic attacks. I’m obviously not ready yet and I feel like such an asshole for even trying. I sent a stupid long text to the girl that hired me apologizing but basically saying I can’t do it. + +So I sit here typing this and crying my eyeballs out because I failed again and feel like I really am letting people down. Again. + +Setting up a therapy appointment as soon as they open this morning... + +Edit: I don’t think you guys will ever know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. I’m crying again but this time from thankfulness. ??",Bipolar +45426,"Experiences with mixed eps? (self harm/suicide mention, description of episode) I was wondering what your mixed episodes were like, if you care to share. I thought I was stable for a day or so because I was getting shit done, but not going as crazy as usual on a hypo episode. But today... oy! I got like zero sleep, and am currently wide-awake writing this at 3am, got up and ran some errands that i ususally do with my husband alone because I was annoyed that he was still tired. Like I wanted to kick him in the head because he was still asleep. And in the car I randomly started crying and couldn't stop until i started screaming. When i stopped screaming, I began to cry again - this went on for some time. My chest feels like it's going to burst open and every other thought I have is either ""God I just want to die, please let me die,"" or ""I should go buy some new razors."" I haven't showered in...awhile?... and my room is absolutely disgusting - which I would usually clean obsessively on a normal hypo episode, but I just have zero energy. I can feel myself getting fatter and grosser but the thought of going to the gym make me want to throw up. + +Maybe it's just a *light* depressive episode? I just got out of one though, man I would hate for another to start so soon! :/ + +Love you guys, hope you're all coping well, and having a good new year <3",Bipolar +45593,"Mania, Hypersexuality, Relationship, Mlehh... Ugh. I already typed like 3 paragraphs and it all disappeared. Anywho, as indicated, I'm experiencing my second manic episode in a four month period, despite meds. I'm not complaining! But what I'm getting at is that I'd appreciate if you just bear with me. TIA. + +In my last manic episode, I expressed my hypersexuality by posting in GoneWild-essque subs. That's what I'm doing this time, but also selling content and it's just not enough for me. I want to meet some of these people I encounter and it all just seems so RATIONAL in my head. Like, not everyone is a serial killer, right? The only problem I see is my boyfriend, and that is obviously a bigger problem. + +Ah, my boyfriend. He is amazing. I love him so much, I just want MORE. Like, I want to do the things I want to do and come out together at the end of this phase I'm going through. I've never had that kind of freedom before. I've steadily been in relationships for almost 10 years now and only been with two people in my life. So it seems fair to want to explore a bit, doesn't it? But I don't think it's fair that I'd have to sacrifice my relationship to do so. Ugh. + +I really can't afford to be in this kind of a headspace. I'm starting college back up tomorrow and I love my life. I had a talk with my boyfriend though, and he said once he is comfortable with what I'm already doing, we can explore the idea of me having different experiences and such. So I wasn't shut down, so that's good. But I started to spiral because he asked if it's something I would risk our relationship for. And I explained that it feels like this is what it will take for me to be happy, and I don't think it's fair to leverage my happiness against our relationship so I couldn't answer... Is that bad? + +What are your experiences with hypersexuality especially in regards to relationships? How do you get through it? How do I curb the appeal to just ""fuck it, yolo"" it?",Bipolar +50228,"GoodRx vs. insurance I’ve been using GoodRx for some time now, and I’m so glad I found it. Some of my meds cost hundreds of dollars, with an insurance discount of 60% — but under $10 with GoodRx. Back when I took Seroquel, the out-of-pocket rate was about $700, with insurance $280, and with GoodRx $20. + +Medication costs have absolutely gone through the roof, even with employer plans. But for meds that offer generic, the cost is ridiculously less expensive with the app! + +Mom’s oncologist prescribed her an anti-nausea medication, and I texted him to ask if there was a less expensive option considering CVS wanted to charge me $220 for a month’s supply. He was livid! He said CVS had been charging the old-brand name price for the generic for not only that med, but several others that his patients had informed him of. He advised me to download the GoodRx app, and I paid $10. + +Just sharing as an FYI, as I’m on multiple meds that I used to pay way more than I should have been previously!! All mine are under $20, and only one is over $10. I’d be paying close to $1,000/month otherwise!",Bipolar +45622,"Mania I often see people (on here/other mental health subreddits) expressing happiness when they say they were manic or had a manic episode. + +But I hate it. My mania is the thing that makes me want to get a knife out and slide across my neck. I have no control over myself. I develop tremors and can't stop moving. I want to smash things. Get a hammer and put holes in my walls and through the windshield of my car. I can't even set down to write a whole email. I'll type a few words, then go and walk or spas out, then come back and do it all again. + +I've gotten manic while driving before or felt it come on, and one of the only things that helps at the time is to stick a knife in my leg. Not inside my leg, but just putting the tip on my flesh and putting just enough pressure to focus on the pain instead of mania. + +I have an anxiety med that works to help (Klonopin) but taking my max dosage doesn't always help. my max is 4mg, but I've taken up to 20mg before. + +When I'm manic is the time when I cry the most. + + + + +*Thank you for reading my rant. I apologize if it's a bit of a ramble in some parts. Hopefully, it's clear enough, though.*",Bipolar +45940,"Extremely anxious about helping a friend next week I haven’t really seen any of my friends in about two years due to severe depression, mental breakdowns, and moving and all that stuff. A friend of mine had a baby not too long ago and asked if I could help her with something all day in about a week’s time. I know it’s really important that she get help for this, and I thought it over and said that I would. + +I DO NOT want to cancel. I want to be a good, reliable friend (which I haven’t been in the past due to...well...bipolar and anxiety disorders). + +I’m anxious about getting sick, about being around people for 7 hours, about doing something that requires me to talk to people, about having IBS in a public area. + +I’m going to take Imodium, I’ll bring Xanax and other meds with me, and I’ll steal away to the bathroom if I need to. I know, logically, that everything will be fine. But I’m having major major anxiety because I’ve been on disability and away from people for so long. Aghhh. + +I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, support, or if I’m just venting. But thanks for reading anyway.",Bipolar +49942,"When everything is about my BD1 I have reached a point in a very close friendship that is troubling. I talk with my best friend about frustrating people or situations. I get the sympathetic head tilt, the “three nod,” sometimes even the gentle pat on the arm. This is followed up with, “Do you think you might feel this way because you’re (delusional/ruminating/paranoid/psychotic)?” + +Eventually I’ll have to have a discussion, but it’s really frustrating to see my biggest cheerleader box in my *every not happy thought* as being related to BD1.",Bipolar +45696,"Any advice on Lithium? I have been on various medications for the last twenty-something years. My latest combination is Fluoxetine, Bupropion, Resperidone and some lorazepam for anxiety attacks. I cycled back down into a depression a couple of weeks ago and it got bad enough that I went to see my psych doc. I told her I don’t like the resperidone because, although it works and stops me wanting to actively kill myself, it turns me into a complete zombie. She decided to try me on Litium, which is one of the things I have never tried in all these years. So far I have been on it for almost a week (so I haven’t had my blood work done to check the levels yet) but I am feeling no difference in mood or level of depression. +I’m just wondering what others’ experiences are with Lithium and what it feels like when it is working? +I have been off work for days now and I am wondering if I should take some risperidone just because i know it works fast.",Bipolar +50299,"Have to get out of depressive episode ASAP Been on a depressive episode for the last 2-3 weeks, I usually cycle with the seasons.. was living in Canada for 10 years which made my depression on winter unbearable now I live Mexico and it’s way better. My episode are not as severe and I guess for a moment I took it for granted that my episodes were mild and I was stable for a good while. I work independently as an artist so if I’m not in the studio there’s no one I have ti answer to which in general I love. I love what I do and I’m so grateful to be able to do it. I’m at stage in my life where I’m expanding my business and moving to a bigger studio space and it’s all great! But the the episode started creeping in and I can’t afford to give into it, I’m getting all these anxieties and fears, I know I can do this and have been fighting everyday but this week has been really hard. I’m in the studio at the moment but haven’t been able to lift a finger. Trying all the skills and coping mechanisms I know help me plus my meds so really hope this ends soon. Letting all this out I think will help, haven’t talked about it much with people as I’ve found I focus more on the feeling but needed to vent.",Bipolar +49519,"Lamictal Hair? Ok, kids. I switch over to Lamictal from Dep several years ago. I'm pretty stable on it, but I think I scored a weird little side effect and I'm curious about how widespread it is. My hair went from having a slight wave to it to being decidedly curly. Google ""research"" seems to indicate that this is a possibility. Has anyone else noticed changes in their hair after taking it for awhile?",Bipolar +50332,"Mood changes with clock change. Anyone else feel like the clock change messes with your whole status? It feels like someone picked up my world, gave it a little shake and put it back down. My sleep suffers, my focus tanks and my moods drops.",Bipolar +49786,"My new doctor prescribed paroxetine and alprazolam I went to a new psychiatrist who recommended paroxetine and alprazolam, but what is everyone's experience on this combo? + +I'm still in the introductory stage with my new doctor so she's still re-assessing me again, but I did provide her my previous doctor's certification of my BD diagnosis and prescription history. So I guess I'm just looking for reassurance about this new regimen for BD. + +Please note that I communicate with my doctor (i.e. I ask her what to lookout for when taking this medicine) and I also read material about this, but it's always good to hear from other people.",Bipolar +49890,"so I’ve accepted my diagnosis. I have bp1. But for me mania is miserable anxious horrific. Nothing fun just anxiety and energy pouring out of ever part of my body, insane talkativeness, flight of ideas, can’t stand being alone. Just need to be doing something. It’s not like it’s depicted in popular media. It’s NOT “fun” I don’t have delusions of grandeur. I don’t feel high or like everything’s great I feel like im crawling out of my skin. Anyone else have this or know where I can read more about this type of mania? Im on meds but they’re taking a bit to work take a bit to work (just upped med number two and woohooo we’re getting there and the meds are starting to work) but it’s killing me and I lost a close friend bcs they can’t handle my inability to “take accountability for my actions” “I’m playing the bipolar victim card” according to him bcs I lose focus and talk too much and am all over the place. But I’m trying my best. I see my counselor once or twice a week and my psychiatrist every month even though he’s crazy expensive. I just want to understand this type of mania",Bipolar +50653,"Why are people crapping on coping mechanisms? I've heard so many people on this sub complain when a non neurodivergent tells them they should start to-do lists, or journal, or exercising. + +These are all great coping mechanisms, I understand the loneliness of being neurodivergent but shitting on routines and healthy habits isn't going to help anyone. + +I have to take medication AND journal AND do lists AND therapy AND medication AND take walks in nature AND a bunch of other stuff. Are y'all not doing that? Cause it damn sure helps",Bipolar +50270,"Have not eaten in a week I have been in what I think is a mixed episode (my first normally my episodes are quite clearly defined ) for the past few weeks during it i have lost my job (not my fault), My partner (my fault) and I have given up. I can’t eat so have been surviving on milkshakes, can’t sleep only getting about 2/3 hours a day and am under constant assault from my brain with negative images and thoughts. It’s overwhelming and I just don’t seem to have any fight left in me. I am waiting for help from the community mental health team and for my medication to be reviewed but it’s taking forever and I am really not sure what I can do. I am coming apart at the seams, have no friends and am alone and I don’t know what to do. Any advice or support is welcome + +Update: Thanks for all the advice and support. I have managed to eat solid food today. It was not much but it’s a start and small steps etc",Bipolar +45980,"Just diagnosed. Looking for some help with this. I was recently diagnosed and put on Lamictal. +Looking back on life, I realize how bipolar has made me act towards certain aspects and has really turned my life upside down. +I don't know how to recognize the episodes, or what to do even when I do recognize one. +What is the best thing for you? How do you know when you're going through a depressive or high episode?",Bipolar +45874,"Substituting Geodon for Indica Strains Hello, + + I am currently on 125mg Lamictal when i wake up then 40mg Geodon before bed. + + I have gone from 240lbs (lithium as mood stabilizer) to instead 215lbs on lamictal (mood stabilizer). So, in trying to get back to the weight I was before medication, 180lbs, I will experiment if Indica Cannibis can produce similar, or better, sleep effects as Geodon. + +If anyone has tried or is in a state where they can try please comment. + +My guess is a couple hits off a indica was vape pen and a small edible and you will be counting sheep within an hour. + +Keep in mind I will be continuing on the Lamictal mood stabilizer (studied to cause weight loss) and only seek to eliminate/lessen my dosage of Geodon (said to have low risk of weight gain, which for me is 45 pounds). + + +Thanks for reading + +Also, I have tried up too 200 mg of CBD oil which was advertised as a alternative for anti psychotics with no success. When i took them in place of the Geodon I would only nap for a few hours in what felt like a shallow, half awake sleep. I would not recommend spending 80 dollars on a 30, 30mg capsules from Wildflower CBD.com (which was recommended by high times so i assume it is legit) they simply do not help you stay asleep. + +I would try the indica strain canabis for myself but live in a state that is dragging their heels with there medical Marijuana program. +",Bipolar +46628,"New to sub Do people push the med agenda here as on other BP subs? + +Cuz that shit sucks. ",Bipolar +49708,"I had the strangest feeling last night. Last night as I laid down to sleep and had my eyes closed, I had something that felt like a dream, but it was something that happened just before I feel asleep. I lucidly thinking about the experience as it was happening. + +I’ll start off with what I think it was. I think it was a new kind of suicidal ideation. + +I’m not religious at all, but this dreamlike feeling was full of images that felt like a type of beautiful afterlife, like a heaven or something. It was sweeping land and seascapes that looked like something off of an Asia album cover. Everything was iridescent. And I was flying high above it all loftily and effortlessly. It felt like the scenes from the Lost Boys when you see the vampires’ POV as they fly. + +It looked so real, and so perfect and peaceful, and I felt like it was calling me to it. I began to speak to it. I said, “please.. if this is it, please take me.” “Please take me away from this.” + +Usually if I have SI, it’s miserable and darkly depressing. + +It felt like the SI was being cunning and alluring this time.",Bipolar +49805,"Am I the only one? I got on medications for bipolar 2, I like them and I don't yeah sure I feel less crazy in a sense but I also feel like a walking zombie at times. It's a love hate relationship at this point, but I know it's something I MUST take for the rest of my life but at times I just I don't do feel like me at times. More of a bleh feeling..am I the only one who feels like this? Is it normal?",Bipolar +46541,Everything feels like a distraction Whenever the people or the stuff or the music or whatever is gone I just feel dead,Bipolar +47046,"I cannot think or focus at work. Hello all, + +Bipolar 2 here. I just switched off of Abilify to Rexulti to combat some depression issues I was having. Psych told me Rexulti would be stronger in that regard. Also on Lamictal and Effexor. I think that’s actually all I’m on, as I weened off a few others (Ritalin, Straterra, Vistaril). Anyway: I used to function really well at my old job. I worked in shipping and did well enough to be promoted to a manager position when the company grew a bit. I threw it away because the money was not worth it even though I was mostly happy. Fast forward 18 months and I’ve had this new job at an insurance broker for 11 months. I work in the billing department. It’s a great job, with great coworkers, good pay, and strong benefits. I stumbled a bit a month or so ago. Took an entire month off work to try and fix myself. Back to work with a great accommodation: working from home. However, I cannot focus well enough to get my work load done. Even if I give my SO anything I would use to distract myself, I just stare at the computer and space out. Boom. 40-50 minutes go by and it feels like a couple seconds. I’m starting to get paranoid about being fired for lack of progress. Which makes it even harder to focus. I need help. I go to therapy, consistently take my meds, but I just can’t seem to get over this hurdle and I need to. I have a family to take care of. + +Any help is appreciated. Thank you.",Bipolar +50369,"Do you live in fear of being involuntarily hospitalized? I've been involuntarily hospitalized once and it saved my life. It was something I needed at the time. However, following my diagnosis, I worry that family members will use it against me if I'm acting in a way they don't approve of. I'm worried they'll tell police officers I'm ""mentally ill"" and that I'll be handcuffed and forcibly hospitalized. Is this fear realistic?",Bipolar +45681,"I'm new to Seroquel. What can I expect? Hello, I am seeking some insight into the short and long-term affects of Seroquel. I'm being treated for anxiety, depression and mood swings following a traumatic brain injury to the front right forehead. Anyway, I saw (for the first time) a new doctor and she prescribed 50mg Seroquel to take at night for bipolar and to help me sleep. Well I cant say what its doing for bipolar but it is making me sleep like a rock. I mean knocks me completely out 0.5-1hr after taking it and then I'm sleeping for 10-12hrs before waking up or coming to at all. Is this a normal reaction to the early stages of starting this medicine or what? Thanks for taking the time to read this and double thanks for any replies. Life is Great.",Bipolar +46624,"So lonely I feel so lonely all the time. Is this my depression? Or am I just honestly lonely. I have like 2 friends and rarely see them. I’m married, 3 kids. So I am not totally alone. Just want to talk more to people. ",Bipolar +45895,Fuck it I'll just get drunk I'm a failure and am dropping the ball in just about every way possible.,Bipolar +45513,"Do you have phases? I do. I've noticed a structure and pattern of my phases as it relates to my level of brain activity from depression to hypomania. I hope sharing this will clarify these cycles for others. I have a lot of phases of interest. Sometimes they reoccur, sometimes they're one-offs. It's frustrating to be passionate about something, and then stop. But I know it's because my moods change. + +I've come to some observations about my phases and even have a little theory about them, although it may just be limited to my case. Here's the theory: + +My phases fall into four categories. At the lowest level, there is basic pleasures. Some basic pleasures I've had are baseball, harry potter, and Disney movies. Next there is high pleasure: e.g., classical music, jazz music, and Shakespeare. Then I have phases of personal development: losing weight, learning musical skills, learning Spanish. Finally I have the highest order of phases where I have a sense of duty: I've become vegan and buddhist out of this level. + +I feel like these phases accord to a particular level of brain activity, from low to high. I think everyone falls somewhere on this dimension at a given moment. I also think healthy people have a smaller average range of categories of particular interest: some people skew basic to high, some high to personal development, some just are adept at acting on a sense of duty. + +At least in my case, I run the full gamut. At a depressed level, I have basic interests (at a certain level of depression one my have NO interest, but I don't get that low). At a hypomanic level, I have a grandiose sense of duty. However, I feel like I have a natural balance. I feel like I have an ideal scope like anyone else, but I have no balance of brain activity. I feel at my ""most me"" when I am at a mix of high pleasure and personal development. + +I've also noticed a pattern of logical progression from disordered to ordered interest in my life. Say I start at my healthy level: high–deveopment. When I approach a sense of runaway personal development, I become grandiose about that development. Then I may achieve a personal sense of duty to apply that development. Of course, my deveopment only goes so far, and my sense of duty goes farther, so I burn out. Then in a depressed mode, I land in basic pleasure. With higher mood after building basic pleasures, I ""grade them up"" to high pleasures, from which point I have more confidence in my ability to develop related skills. The cycle restarts. + +This is very interesting to me, but all I've really done is describe a pattern of disordered mood change in terms of its effects on human interest and concern, and apply conceptions of general human interests and concern in doing so. + +But I actually think I have a lifestyle tip for myself based on this theory. I'm at the high level of the personal development stage right now, and could approach an abnormal sense of duty. First of all, by recognizing this generalized progression, I can catch any slip ups early, and so can my support circle. But what really interests me is how I can adjust my personal development habits toward a more healthy progression. + +Right now my personal development topic is math. Math is an extremely broad topic in terms of range of difficulty and scope. I could get frustrated with basic algebra, or I could obsess over an unsolved problem way out of my league. But I think about another personal development habit I had: weight loss. + +When I lost weight, it was a development of daily regiment, one where I ate a little less every day and gradually lost weight. Normally, I have a seasonal peak of hypomania where I have that grandiose duty. After the regimented challenge of losing weight became difficult, I went to a modestly, fairly euthymic basic pleasure. The nature of the challenge didn't involve runaway progress because of how structured it was. + +Applying that lesson to my math development, I could continue to over stress myself with difficult problems, or I could make it a daily grind. I could even get a tutor to make sure I stay on a good track. Perhaps I wouldn't have to go to a toxic level of stimulation and go hypomanic, and just cool off, adding a daily practice to my life. + +Thinking this way has opened up some different options about how to deal with my moods, as well as who I really am. I see my doctor tomorrow, and I look forward to discussing these ideas with him. + +--- + +Note about ""high"" and ""low"" pleasures: I didn't mean to call anyone's hobby ""high"" or ""low"". I think it's completely relative. I think something high for me could be low for someone else. I strongly believe whether a pleasure is high or low, at least in a mental health context, depends on the kind of enjoyment one gets out of it. It's something one can really know if one really asks themselves and is honest.",Bipolar +45758,"My school’s disability resources is being a butt and I don’t have the energy to self advocate After a decade of dealing with mental health professionals, I’ve learned how to be my own self advocate. There were times when I felt my pdoc was dismissive and I had to stand up for myself to make myself heard. It can be so hard because in the end they’re usually just trying to help and I feel bad for being almost confrontational. I’ve learned what situations you should badger an office and when you shouldn’t. This is the shit you learn when you deal with this bullshit disease. + +And I need to badger my school’s DR right now. For some reason they haven’t granted me excused absences (which I had no issue getting at previous institutions) and those are so much more important than getting extended testing time... + +And I know how it looks. I KNOW. It looks like I want a legitimate way to slack off, but that isn’t what happens. I did my best to not abuse those previous accommodations because they were my saving grace at the end of the semester. I’m not completely incompetent. I can follow the syllabus, text classmates, and do my best to keep up with the class materials. But sometimes I just cannot leave my bed. + +So much has gone wrong this past month. Life has just taken a huge shit on me at the beginning of this semester and I need help. I have an established relationship with a psychiatrist in this new town, but I need a therapist. She gave me a list and I’ve been playing phone tag with her top recommendation and I just *can’t* anymore. I don’t have the energy. I’m here by myself, away from family, freaked out by my creepy neighbors, and just struggling in general. + +The only two things I can focus on are my schoolwork and taking care of my dog. And everyday I feel like I’m failing at even that. My house is a mess. I’m a mess. My eating habits are horrible. I feel the temptation of hard alcohol everyday... so I binge eat then starve then binge. Luckily my alcohol consumption hasn’t gotten out of control, tho I am planning on cutting it out completely again. + +I thought discussion questions were due at midnight on Sunday’s, but they’re due at 8 pm. I had confused between two different class’s deadlines. My prof has been so understanding but god I need to show I’m not trying take advantage of any slack she has given me. She’s been so great at balancing having compassion but not coddling me. I really like her. + +And I’m just asking for this one thing from my school. Their department is a fucking mess. My psychiatrist had dealt with them before and said she needs to be contacted by them first before writing any sort of letters detailing why I need this accommodation. I told this to the DR but they insisted that wasn’t the case. So I call my psychiatrist and she insisted that that’s how it’s always been and won’t write anything until she’s contacted by them. Then my assigned counselor sent me a passive aggressive email that the recommendation I had sent in did not explain why I needed an ESA. Shit lady, I was not asking for a fucking emotional support animal! Get your fucking shit together. + +Family connections can be great tho, my mother works at the university and knows the chair or director or what fucking ever of the DR and insists that I call him and go over the counselor’s head. But god I just do not have the energy. + +I don’t have the energy for any of this. Sometimes I wish I was still a minor so my mom could just make my appts for me. For the first time in years I just want my mom to take care of me like she used to. I don’t want to be responsible for dealing with this shit. + +I’m being kept awake by my racing heart rate being brought on by my anxiety. I’m all out of clonazepam until at least Wednesday. I had two beers left over and self medicated just to calm down a little, but when I lay my head down all I can hear is my racing heart. + +I need help. I know how to ask for it. Where to find it. But god I just don’t have the energy... The short days are even harder to deal with here due to the fucking freezing temperatures. Everything is so much harder when it’s this cold. + +I’m just in this stupid self pity party where I’m just asking “why me????” + +I’m really sorry for the length. I just don’t have anywhere to turn right now. ",Bipolar +50114,"Coming out of mania/mixed episodes How do you feel after your episode calms down. I’m currently in hospital from a mixed episode with mania being the stronger symptom. I’ve been in for a week so far. My doctor added an antipsychotic to my treatment. I feel so spacey and strange which I’m assuming could be my meds. My doctor said he will adjust them if it continues. I feel especially weird when I get a few hour passes to go home. + +Curious to know how others have felt/feel?",Bipolar +50137,"I never knew it was manic episodes I never knew going off texting someone a million texts was me being manic + +Telling them borderline cruel things was being manic. + +I didn't know it could all escalate. + +That going through more trauma could affect me the way it has. + +Dammit I thought I had things under control just because I used to be ""productive"" about my mental health + +My brain hurts now when things get too much. + +I became violent + +I rage now. + +I'm tired. + +I used to just curl up and cry. + +I spent a year in bed once in 7th grade and another time as a late teenager and nobody noticed. + +I cried for a whole 2 days one time, the tears just kept pouring out...nobody noticed. + +I had panic attacks without knowing they were panic attacks. + +I got into weed and alcohol not knowing how much it all could exacerbate things. + +I'm in legal trouble because things escalated for me. I had just been diagnosed and I was already on medication. + +I'm scared, alone and just trying to get by. + +How'd I get this far ? + +I always felt like I had so much potential and I truly wanted to do things and live genuinely. + +I feel like a failure. +I just never knew things could get this bad.",Bipolar +46318,"A Step In The Right Direction I have a job interview coming up on Thursday I finally got a job in August delivering pizza and it took 11 months from the job prior to that. + +I’m going to be back in an office setting and it feels so good. Cheers.",Bipolar +46753,"Feeling a bit shitty, could someone talk to me? [Not an emergency] Can someone talk to me for a bit...? I'm not in the greatest of moods today and could use a sympathetic ear. + +&#x200B; + +It's not an emergency, I'm not suicidal or self-destructive, I've been stable for a few months. Just a bit sad and lonely.",Bipolar +49555,"Realizing mania in my past I am just laying in my bed not tired and I have been thinking about the past and realized how many times before diagnosis I was experiencing this. + +Working 65 hour weeks, hypersexual behavior, obsessive behavior, delusions and stuff. I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and definitely have been experiencing this since maybe 10 -12 years ago + +Now I actually understand the extreme paranoia, delusions, and minor psychosis and extreme hypersexual behavior + +( I don't have psychosis much, but this year I tried to jump out of moving car because my mom's car was filled with bugs (hallucinations) ) + +Anyone ever just realized how long we have actually been dealing with these side effects of bipolar?",Bipolar +46539,"Hello I'm new to this particular sub, but have been a member of the other one for a little while now. + +I was diagnosed bipolar 2 in September of last year. Before that it was depression, anxiety and OCD. + +I've been going through a really bad depressive episode here lately. I'm on Cymbalta, Buspar and Seroquel. The Seroquel actually helps...not so sure about the other two. + +I'm often overcome with feelings of hopelessness and, to a degree, don't want to leave my house. The OCD has been kicking in hard, too. I wake up every morning with this sense of dread and anxiety which I have to grit my teeth through. I'm unemployed and nothing that I used to like doing brings me joy anymore. I'm married, and my husband is awesome, but I feel like such a burden. + +Anyways, it's good to know that there is a community for us.",Bipolar +46310,"It's over My brother gave up the fight and killed himself. He was very depressed, officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and in a very bad state. We tried multiple terapists, letting him living alone, letting him living with us and nothing worked. He did not want to fight and made plans about making plans which he simply ignored later. There was nothing we could do and yet I feel like there was something we did not think of and should have done. We totally fucked up and couldn't support him the way he needed it. It fucking sucks, everything fucking sucks. Our society fucking sucks at dealing with people like him. Fuck it.",Bipolar +49964,"What is the point I am just so tired of being in pain and being depressed, or being numb and not seeing the point to life. I am pushing myself to get up everyday and I’m so tired. I’ve been on so many medications and none of them have helped me. I really just want to give up and just not exist anymore, I’m so tired of dealing with this pain and getting only a slight moment of relief. +Im considering checking myself into the hospital but I’m convinced it won’t even help at this point. What else could they even try? It will just waste away 10 days and accomplish nothing!",Bipolar +46595,"An Ode to My Wonderful Sister Growing up I was a monster. I can say that now with hindsight. I don't care to get too into the details. + +My sister, despite all of my bullshit I put her through, has always been there. +And continues to be. + +I truly don't know how I'm so blessed. + +When I was diagnosed she did the research to understand what it meant, why I can behave the way I do, trying to fully understand me. + +She's the only one I don't get snappy with when I'm in an episode. The only one who can talk me down. + +She's my go-to when I need to chat to stay grounded... and she's not afraid to reality-check or shut me down when I'm completely out of line. + +When I'm depressed, she calls, texts, or comes to visit for ""welfare checks."" + +She knows more about me than anyone else in my family. + +She's a wonderful angel I never deserved, and I love her very much.",Bipolar +50573,"can hormonal birth control trigger depression for us? So I have been feeling pretty down the past few weeks. It could be a lot of things that triggered it. However, I did recently start taking birth control for pcos. I'm beginning to wonder if they can have an effect on our moods. I'm still taking all my other medicine, but I can't shake this feeling of sadness and exhaustion.",Bipolar +50521,"Anticipated I know! + +I see it, + +My life is propelled, + +A mandate from heaven, + +Audience anticipates it, + +They clap until it sounds like thunder, + +Grasping their bellies until they roll out of their chairs, + +“He’s doing it again! Another meltdown.” + +Born and grew with a face of a child, + +“You’re so cute!” + +Seems peculiar but I sure found something for my phenotype, + +They pay for my dinners, + +They buy me flowers, + +Made me feel secure when I was not stable, + +I like to be treated, + +Like to be shown you care, + +Then I feel intolerable, + +And have been called things for a previous lifestyle, + +Maybe I am what I am told I am, + +What brings admiration and material turns to my curse, + +For when I fall apart and turn to a spectacle… + +It is something to merely laugh at, + +Frustration and cries for help get treated as hysterical, + +Suicidal ideation and attempts get treated as mere pouts, + +Nothing that serious, + +Even more certain I have no right to myself.",Bipolar +46010,"Lamictal Withdraws So, I am being forced to stop taking Lamictal cold turkey due to some issues with my doctor. I have been on 250 mg for 2-3 years now. Can anyone provide some experiences on what it was like withdrawing from this med? + +Thanks",Bipolar +46319,"Question While I’m not bipolar, a character in a story that I’m writing is. I want an accurate depiction of what it’s like though, so here’s my question: The character is a prosecutor who was falsely accused of abusing her toddler daughter. While she is extremely stressed, it takes a turn for the worst when she hits a manic phase. What would that accurately be like?",Bipolar +46426,Ambien Can it make depression worse? My doc prescribed 10mg since I was having difficulty sleeping but I’ve noticed that I’ve been more depressed the days after I take it. But hell im coming off a depressive episode so who knows. I’m just grasping at straws right now and don’t want to take anything that could be exacerbating it. ,Bipolar +45627,"how important is it to take your meds at the same times? if you take your meds a few hours off everyday how much can that mess with your moods? + +1200mg lithium daily: +300mgx2 taken between 6-10am +300mgx2 taken between 5-9pm + + +",Bipolar +49487,"Do you swallow your pills one by one or all at once? I’ve always taken them all at once along with my multivitamin and didn’t know so many people took them one by one. That seems so time consuming, especially when you have ten or more to take. I just put water in my mouth, lean back and let it sit in the back of my throat, toss the pills in, open my throat to swallow then drink some more water. Been doing that for over twenty years and never had any issues and never got any of them on my tongue with the nasty taste I hear about. Does anyone else take their pills like this?",Bipolar +50120,,Bipolar +50243,Can’t sleep Noctamid 2mg does nothing to me 😪 I’m tired of trying these sleeping pills. They either make me feel like a zombie the next day or nothing at all. Anyone w experience? (Lormetazepam),Bipolar +45476,"sertraline - wired and low at the same time I’m on sertraline. I started the transition from citalopram at the start of December. When I saw the psych at that time I was all over the place between up and bouncing around too fast after a small depression blip. + +I’m on 100mg now and have been for 9 days. I’m not feeling any better. Just before the increase I was very nearly in crisis (low) hence the increase. Now I’m struggling to get as good quality sleep. I wake up a lot and feel wired way past the time that I usually go to bed at. So I’m down a few hours in my sleep. + +I keep getting the failure thoughts and accompanying low thoughts. Everything feels far away, like not really real. Like loving behind a smoke screen. Everything is dull and there’s no enjoyment to be had from anything. It’s all just motions. + +Has anyone else had these experiences with sertraline? Will it pass? I’m also on Quetiapine XL 300mg. This has been helpful for levelling me out but I need an antidepressant too. (BP2) + +Thanks. That turned out a bit long. Sorry about that. ",Bipolar +50534,Bipolar depression got off meds 3 years ago I randomly get this overwhelming feeling of deep disgust when I get reminded I have a functioning body full of organs and tissue etc and I get this urge to just rip out everything I’ve come close to it once but I’m usually around people since I lack any privacy anywhere which I’m not complaining to a extent but I had this same breakdown in front of my new bf and couldn’t stop crying I tried to explain the fear and disgust but he was super freaked out and couldn’t understand I don’t understand it myself I just recently signed up for therapy again since I’ve noticed more frequent episodes but therapy doesn’t give me answers why I feel this way and I I’m constantly asking myself questions and it causes migraines frequently my brain is so fried at this point I feel like it’s just lying to me constantly,Bipolar +45582,"He always says he will die young.. +A very close friend who I dated for a while was later diagnosed BP2, I am not BP. He will often make comments that he will die young and won’t be around later in life. I ask if he feels suicidal, he says no, he’s convinced he’ll die of a heart attack. + +I know BP can have a higher risk of suicide - I get terrified when I hear these comments. + +Anyone else been there? Said these things? Advice in general?",Bipolar +46155,"There's no amount of meds I can take that will properly medicate my overwhelming generalized anxiety without screwing everything else up It just feels cosmically unfair that the fact that I need to take multiple mood stabilizers seems to mean the balance is such that it's impossible for SSRIs to lessen very much of my anxiety. I've been seeing my pdoc for years and she's great and I trust her, and we spent two years figuring out the formula for my comorbid cocktail. Before I was diagnosed bipolar obvs life was miserable, but I was able to take a higher dosage of the SSRI I still take (Lexapro) and maybe I'm remembering with rose colored shades, but I feel like back then, while my life may have been spiraling out of control, the anxiety wasn't quite so paralyzing. We've tried multiple times to increase the Lexapro, but every time I become catatonically emotionless within the week, so I know at least for Lexapro that's not a viable option. +My pdoc seems to think that the anxiety is more situational than chemical, but I can't help but feel this isn't a normal (or completely unmedicateable) level of crippling anxiety to feel constantly. +At the same time this isn't an ideal point in my life to go gambling with switching up my meds again. +Is it really just impossible for some of us to find chemical relief from anxiety in a way that won't throw off the balance of the mood stabilizers? I know I should pursue DBT or CBT but $ makes that really difficult right now when I already pay my pdoc out of pocket and am broke as a joke. Is it pessimistic or deluded to think there's no way something other than medication could treat my anxiety the way meds did in the past? I know therapy could help with depression and such, but what of the every-second-of-everyday anxiety that is definitely not entirely situational and has not improved with changing situational circumstances? If the anxiety was caused by something specific I might be more optimistic about CBT/DBT, but it's just... generalized. It doesn't go away. +I feel my options are a. try another drug and start over so to speak, or b. accept that this is my lot in life as a bipolar person.",Bipolar +45943,"Obnoxious people in group therapy I’m doing an 8 week bipolar/stress management program. It’s the first group I’ve ever attended despite having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 7-8 years now. I’m getting a lot out of it and I mostly enjoy the group format... except for that. One. Fucking. Guy. + +He’s racist, he’s obnoxious, he overshares, he tries to work in how much money he has into every conversation, and he just won’t shut the fuck up. Tonight he “shared” his biggest trigger, which was having so much money he has to talk to the bank a lot and he hates it when he has to speak to stupid people in call centers he can’t understand. He has to talk to the bank all the time because he has sooooo much money - like SEVEN FIGURES - and its soooooooo hard. He doesn’t attend every group, but he’s irritated me since the first time I met him - I’m legitimately pleased when he’s not in the group! Tonight I wanted to walk out! + +There’s a diverse mix of people at various stages of illness that attend and I get along with them just fine, I just can’t stand this asshole. Thank fuck there’s only one session left. + +How about you guys, any group horror stories? + +",Bipolar +46079,"Dealing With Friend with Bipolar? Hey guys. + +A friend I’ve known for about 3 years sent me some concerning texts and I want to know from others’ experience how to tread lightly here. + +I’ve known that whole time they suffered from bipolar and was not medicated. In person and in every interaction, we clicked. I never thought about their disorder unless they were isolating themselves. In which case, I’d reach out to them with some positive message or offer that we go do something together or share how I had felt a similar way and maybe we can grow together. These times were awesome. + +But recently they sent some texts that were out of character. I asked if they were doing ok (which is often what I do when I notice something wrong) and they took offense. I asked if they had been drinking or smoking and that made it worse. This was all through text. I stopped responding only to say “I understand how you’re feeling” and that’s it. I guess they calmed down but now I’m really nervous. + +I had never seen that type of behavior in my friend before. I don’t know if I should just stop talking to them for a while or what?... + +Any thoughts would be great. ",Bipolar +46488,"Nortriptyline for insomnia? Has anyone heard of taking nortiptyline to sleep? My pdoc suggested it instead of trazedone and wasn’t very clear on why, but google says it’s for depression and nerve pain and I’m confused. I plan to ask him at my next visit, but I was hoping ya’ll had some advice! + +Thank you!",Bipolar +49916,"Possible psychosis I’m not looking for a diagnosis but more just to see if others have experienced this and to feel less alone. I’ve recently gotten my diagnosis and the psychiatrist believed that the last hypomanic episode seemed like it was bordering mania and I’ve yet to disclose some of the following to her yet out of fear. + +When I was depressed about 19/20 years old I experienced some odd things that I brushed off for years believing I was “just depressed” and it was normal for depression. I felt consumed by this dark cloud entity in which I believed was the soul of Hitler haunting me. I believed he was going to possess me and take over or that he saw the same darkness within me and wanted to rule through me. I also heard my name once when no one was around and dark male voice rambling words I could not decipher. He was speaking but I couldn’t understand words only the noise of the voice. + +Then in 2021/2022 I experienced an episode that now we think was mania and not hypomania. I’d had a spiritual awakening and believed I had ascended to a new dimension, I would preach spirituality whilst simultaneously gatekeeping what I thought was the ultimate knowledge. I would try to link everything philosophically. I’d felt I tapped into the powers of my ancestors and was magical and was better than everyone else. I was seeing shadow people, feeling entities again, experiencing paranormal activity. I believed in so many wild theories about the universe and that I was getting messages through animals, angel numbers etc. of course the mania continued with thousands of dollars spent on rocks, completely changing my house decor, wardrobe etc to match. Using divination, tarot, witchcraft etc. + +The 2021/2022 time confuses me because spirituality became a trend and more widely accepted but my experiences still feel really “off”. Either way in hindsight both times feel incredibly abnormal and now I’m concerned that they aren’t even average depression or mania symptoms. Please has anyone else experienced similar??",Bipolar +49537,"Can mania permanently alter the way you react to different drugs? Benzos don’t work for me anymore. I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine + +It’s also changed the way I react to nicotine, I get way more buzzed than I used to. I know nicotine isn’t good but I’ve been using it as a temporary replacement for my benzos until I find out what’s happening. + +Also I know it’s implied but just to be clear I only had benzos on an as needed basis",Bipolar +49929,"Isolating and escaping. I'm at the lowest point in my life. I went manic last fall, and I lost everything: my job, my savings, my possessions, and my relationship with my daughter has been sent back immensely. I haven't even been seeing her lately. I haven't been seeing anyone lately. The days are flying by, and Im trapped with the idea that I have no purpose. I can't get over the mistakes I've made and the resentments that I have. I'm paralyzed with fear. My social anxiety prevents me from getting outside help, and this fear of judgment has made finding a job horrible. And not finding a job is still further judgment. + +I had a career, and tonight in a half hour I'm doing an odd job driving a van of workers to a casino 2 hours away. I'm not above doing this work, but I want it to be by my own choice. Not for being the only place that will give me work. + +I've been finding myself blurting out ""I'm gonna kill myself"" involuntarily. I have to catch myself from saying it because it's becoming a habit. + +For what it's worth, there's a song that gave me an image what I live with, with bipolar. Sparks by Beach House. ""And then it's dark again."". Last fall was the spark. Why can't I have a steady light?",Bipolar +45871,"Hypomanic rage Looking back at every argument I've ever had with my partner, I blame about 85% of them on being untreated and hypomanic and irritable and full of rage. And no matter what I started the argument for, it always ended the same way, I would get angry at my partner for not talking and thinking as fast as I was; the reason for the argument completely forgotten, my anger just grabbing at straws until I was essentially getting angry at my self for having such debilitating racing thoughts and flight of ideas, but I was directing it all at my poor wonderful partner. + +I'm curious as to what other bipolar 2 people feel in regards to anger, irritability, and rages. I know for a fact that when I get snippy, I'm hypomanic and probably going to try and start an argument. Hypomania in me is not the fun ""happy, high"" that it can be, sure I'm up there in energy and a little bit excited but I am not elated, I am angry. How about you guys? ",Bipolar +50584,"Anxiety and fear suddenly gone Long story short, after a very difficult few months and then the death of a friend, I am not doing well. My therapist is asking that I seek a higher level of care, which I am pursuing (hoping for an IOP group spot to open up soon). I do know the ER is there if things get too serious before then, but I’m trying to avoid that if possible. + +I think I can finally admit that a lot of my thoughts lately are suicidal. Not sure why I couldn’t say that for so long, but the fog has lifted enough that it’s become clear. I haven’t felt this sick in nearly 10 years, since before my bipolar II diagnosis. I have no intention of acting on those thoughts but they are there nearly constantly. + +But the weird thing is, my anxiety suddenly disappeared recently. I don’t feel “normal” or free from anxiety… almost like the anxiety left and was replaced by a strange, calm apathy. I no longer fear death, and I haven’t noticed myself feeling nervous about anything. It feels almost like when the anxiety left, it almost gave the suicidal thoughts “permission” to be there. I’m not scared anymore. + +It’s been a weird feeling, and I guess I’m curious if anyone else has felt something like this? It feels confusing and I think I’m trying to make sense of it.",Bipolar +50181,,Bipolar +45791,"Alternatives to Lamictal Hi guys. I have bipolar 2. I’ve been on Lamictal for about three years I think. But I think it’s giving me a rash. I have eczema so it’s hard to tell. My dermatologist took a biopsy to see if the rash is being caused by the med. Meanwhile, I’m kind of a mess. I’m gonna need a mood stabilizer. I talked to my psychiatrist today (on a Saturday)-called and left a msg and she called me back. She’s going to see me tomorrow (yes, on a Sunday!) at no charge. She asked me if I had ever been on Depakote. I have not. She wants to try that, for now. I should get the results of the biopsy by the end of next week. + +Have any of you with bipolar 2 ever taken Depakote?",Bipolar +50475,"Childhood BP symptoms Lol so i have no one I know who has bp and i don’t feel like telling them this in risk of them thinking i’m literally insane. + +I just found out symptoms can pop up as early as 6 years old?? In middle school, i was about 12 ish, Id be in gym class and always see these flashes of lights, and then started seeing them elsewhere. I was convinced it was angels trying to talk to me that I was special or smth. I’ve always dismissed it as stupid child shenanigans but it probably wasn’t. I love being able to look back on things i thought we’re normal and find out they’re not.",Bipolar +45996,"I’m so stressed and tired and over it. So I’m in college now diagnosed about 2 months ago but I’ve been dealing with Bipolar for like a year and a half now. I have so much going on with life and I just can’t handle it anymore. I do theatre so right now I’m designing a show, trying to do homework, trying to balance my meds because the ones I’m in now don’t fucking work, I’m in charge of setting up a banquet for our department and EVERYONE keeps talking shit about it. I can’t take it anymore. Why do people have to be so mean? Why can’t they understand that I have feelings and I have a lot of problems right now?? Why do all these things have to pile up on me now?? Why can’t I just be better now?? Sorry for the long rant but I just need to talk to people who kind of get it. I don’t know anyone else who’s bipolar so no one understands how I was fine with all the stress last week because I was manic but now I can’t because I could barely pull myself out of bed today. ",Bipolar +50442,"Brain Fog/Memory Loss First time poster, still trying to figure out Reddit. My friend recommended this app once I got my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 last year. I’m 29, diagnosed at 28. + +Ever since my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I have been suffering from serious short term memory loss. I’ve never had the most attentive brain but before I started taking my medication/had someone to talk to I remembered things too well if that makes sense. + +For example: my fiancé and I were talking last night and I pulled out my calculator and typed one number in and then all of a sudden I couldn’t remember what we were talking about 2 minutes prior. Then I asked what we were talking about and he gave me the most concerned look. I know he isn’t mad at me but worried. It’s happening so often I’ve started writing everything down. Like everything, conversations, tasks, reminders, messages I need to reply back to. It’s getting ridiculous. + +I’m currently taking Busprion 15 mg 3x a day, Hydroxyzine 50 mg 3x a day, Aripiprazole 10 mg 1x a day, and Buspar 150 mg 1x a day. + +Also, I work a very high stress job. I am a program coordinator for a low barrier homeless shelter. We deal with death, ODs, fights, assault of staff, rape allegations. It’s rough. Maybe this info will help? Idk. I just wanna know if it gets better or if I’ve given myself permanent brain damage.",Bipolar +46252,"Symptoms for bipolar disorder? Hello all, +I'm 18 years old and I'm new to Reddit. When I was ten years old, I began to have depression. It wasn't severe, but I would often isolate myself from others and think about dying. Over time, my depression has gotten worse. However, at age 12 I began to have severe mood swings. Sometimes I would get very angry at everybody and everything around me for no reason. Sometimes it would last for a few days, and then I would go back to feeling ""stable"" or depressed. At age 15, I began to have three distinct and intense emotions that have taken over my life until this point. I rarely felt stable at that point. This feeling can occur for a week or less, I feel veryyyyyyy euphoric. I actually love life and everything around me. I feel very energetic and hyper like a five year old. I'm bouncing off the walls, and talk very fast because my thoughts race. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my thoughts would never shut up. However, I have never done anything impulsive. I'm mostly abnormally energetic and euphoric. Then, I can switch to a depressive episode. These are always the longest, they can last for 4-6 months. At that moment, I'm extremely suicidal. I've never tried to commit suicide because I'm scared of failing but the craving is always there. I'm also hopeless, think that everybody hates me, and I feel so dead and emotionally tired. I sleep for 8-9 hours and I still feel tired. I can have a good day and still feel extremely miserable even though I know I shouldn't. Then, after my depressive episode, I can feel super angry and annoyed at everything and everybody for no reason. I just get super angry and lash out at anybody, and I don't know why. This lasts for a week or less. I have been to 4 therapists and none of them have really helped; I can't really afford one right now. My family aren't very supportive, it's taboo to talk about mental illness so they ignore my symptoms or brush them off as hormones since I'm a female. Could I be bipolar? Is it just hormones? your insight would be nice, I hope to a doctor soon to get a proper diagnosis but your insight will be helpful. +",Bipolar +49763,tired and angry i’m just so over everything honestly. i use to love cleaning and self care and now it take all my energy to shower once a week. i’ve been on all these different medications and the only one that worked my insurance randomly decided they didn’t want to pay for it anymore. my psychiatrist is frustrated with me because i haven’t started therapy but i genuinely can’t afford it right now and i fully believe i’m in a place where therapy just isn’t a good idea. i’m on geodon right now and it just makes me feel nothing. i miss who i was before this diagnosis…. it’s all so exhausting.,Bipolar +45644,Ringing in ears Just wondering if anyone else has a constant ringing in their ears? I have bipolar ll and was wondering if this is common. ,Bipolar +49835,"Bipolar things I need to talk about Hi all! +First of all I just want to say that this page has been so helpful and reassuring for me. I was diagnosed a few years ago with bipolar 2. For me I experience more hypomania. For a while I was misdiagnosed until a few years ago when I experienced a manic episode and threw myself out of a moving car then was taken to a mental hospital lol. It’s not funny but it is to me. After that I was able to get my meds under control and my diagnosis. I have been on meds since I was 13, I am 28 now. I was diagnosed in 2018. I am still having trouble coping with it, sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. Sometimes I want to die and slam my head in to a wall. I get overstimulated easily at time and will randomly cry. Most people don’t understand how to handle me. More recently I have been turning to cocaine to help because I just miss the happy high periods. Does anyone else struggle with substance abuse??",Bipolar +46007,"Are any of you successfully managing your condition without the use of prescription medication? Hello. I was wondering if anybody is able to manage their bipolar condition without being on medication? + +If so what are some aspects of your routine that help you prevent mania and depression? + +I know its not the norm or even encouraged methodology, but I do hear about people doing this and was looking for more stories. + +Thank you.",Bipolar +45674,"Fighting voices Sigh. I use this account strictly for mental health stuff. Anyway, I’ve been rediagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (am I still welcome here?!) and lately have been struggling to keep my head above water. It really is a constant battle. A struggle. A fight for mental clarity and - literally - mental quiet. + +Idk really. I’m appreciative of this sub, of this great community. But I often feel as if I’m a burden or major stain - at least that’s what I’m being told in my head by different voices. I want to beat this, though. Down but not out. I hope anyone reading who is experiencing the same sorta stuff or is really struggling that we can get on top of things. Keep on rocking, champions.",Bipolar +46876,"Hey y'all, I made a new Album about my Mental Health Issues, Heartbreak, Loss and other deep topics.. I spent the last 5 months only working on this, neglecting my school to do this. I'd really appreciate if anybody would give it a listen. (also yes I am actually bipolar, I'm not bragging about it in the second song ) + +&#x200B; + + [https://soundcloud.com/tomniland/sets/aurora-the\_journey](https://soundcloud.com/tomniland/sets/aurora-the_journey) ",Bipolar +49521,I can’t believe I’m like this forever I can’t believe this is real and this is me. I am bipolar and I’ve always know but it’s just crazy to have it reiterated to you. I am going to have to be like this forever. On meds forever. In therapy forever. It’s so fucking over whelming. Knowing none of my relationships will ever be stable fucking hurts,Bipolar +49799,"I'm 31 and planning my Mom's funeral... I just need support. My mom passed away tragically in an accident last week. I've been a wreck, I go from agony to numbness. + +I've never lost anyone close to me so this is my first true heart break, and I honestly think I'll never heal it. I just have to find better coping mechanism. +I love my mom so fucking much, we were close and we bonded through having bipolar disorder. She understood me without trying, she was the only other person I know who goes to treatment for bipolar.... I wanted her to show me I can survive this. + +So from the bottom of my broken heart I would love some support. Coping mechanism or just stories that will give me hope.",Bipolar +46068,"Bipolar Jokes/ Memes Bipolar sub, + +How do you feel when you see a meme or a joke with bipolar disorder being the butt of the joke? +I saw one today and it made me sick to my stomach. Some people think it’s better to laugh about bad situations... but I don’t think I’m that type of person. +I saw one today that said Missing Person: Mother Nature and she’s bipolar and off her meds. What made it worse was all of the hateful comments under it about people with mental illness and bipolar. + +How do you feel about it? + +(Open discussion) +",Bipolar +46537,"Is blocking out the majority of my childhood a thing? I feel like I can't remember anything before maybe 12, and it's concerning (I'm 20F) I have pretty much no actual memory of my childhood. I know facts about it, but I'm not sure how much of it is just based on hearing stories from my family. I don't remember being excited for my first day of school, or when my little brother was born. I barely remember any of the houses I lived in(there were a number). I don't remember what my relationships with my siblings were like, or conversations with my parents. I literally don't have almost any memories from before I was like 12/13. + +The exception being of my dad. I do have some clear, distinct memories of him being an abusive asshole. I remember things being thrown at me, being called fat, being yelled at. But even these I only have a few. + +I also have trouble with dates and when things happened. I have a hard time answering questions like ""when did you start this medication"", or ""when was your last dentist appointment"" + +I have BPII, severe ADHD, and I suspect I disassociate sometimes but haven't really discussed that with my doctor. I had a rough upbringing, and have a lot of lasting issues resulting from it. + +It makes resolving these issues difficult because I don't have clear ideas of what my childhood was like. I also feel incredibly guilty and sad because my mom died when I was 14, and I don't have as clear memories of her as the rest of my family does. + +Overall this is becoming a real issue. I plan on discussing it with my therapist next session.",Bipolar +46196,recommended English speaking doctor (psychiatrist?) in Tokyo hello...does anyone would recommend an English speaking doctor (psychiatrist?) in Tokyo (preferably around Setagaya ku) to do a diagnostic? I suspect a bipolar disorder but since I am not a doctor I want to get some contact where I can initiate the process. Thank you,Bipolar +46179,"2019 resolution: be S.T.A.B.L.E. Hey friends! We made it through another year. I’m really proud of us. + +I’ve officially made it past the one year mark of my major manic episode post diagnosis. 2018 was really hard as I was in a depressive episode and had to work through medication and side effects for the first six months. + +I started a new job in September and started taking improv classes in May. Things are finally at a relatively calm place—for the first time since my husband and I got married in 20-5, it looks like we might have a nice quiet year without any major life changes (that happened to me in prediagnosis manic episodes) + +We know that stability is never guaranteed. My goal this year is to do everything in my power to stay stable, and be able to steer through an episode if/when one comes up. So, what does stable mean to me? + +S: Sleep. 8-10 hours, one hour without electronics, in bed by 10:30, out of bed by 7:30 +T: Therapy. Going to personal and couples therapy, meditation, journaling, being kind to myself through self talk. +A: Activity. Working out consistently, more walking and biking as transport, being outside more +B: Balance. Work vs life, alone vs social, self care vs being productive, comfort vs growth +L: Learning- less tv, more books and hobbies. More improv! +E: Eat healthy, drink water, take meds and vitamins + +It’s a tall order. I’m probably not going to be able do to all the things all the time, but it’s easy for me to remember and my ultimate goal is to be healthy. What about you?",Bipolar +46679,"New here, and new diagnosis Hello reddit, I just got diagnosed with cyclothymia, and I have adhd. and have been medicated for two days. I struggled astronomically in the past, and even now. Ive cycled through many abusibe realtionships, addictions, suicidial tendencies among others. I feel really good figuring out that there's a word that describes people like me, or just me in general. However, I sort of am scared about my new diagnosis, and I'm still very VERY afraid of the stigma attached to it. I'm also afraid of telling people if it were to ever come up, or why I don't drink late at night anymore, or why I'm not ""fun."" It has been super disruptive of my ability to make and keep friends, often I find that I seperate myself from those around me. I am also a mom of a beautiful little girl, and I am terrified people won't think I can be a mom, or something worse will happen (Yay, paranoia). If anyone has ideas or things that have helped them cope or manage, or just want to share your story I'd be really happy to chat. + +(I am also being treated for ADHD as well) ",Bipolar +45823,"Have you guys ever tried psychadelics like LSD, shrooms or DMT? They apparently can exacerbate mental illness but fuck that I will do these things before I die multiple times. It seems worth it...",Bipolar +49608,"At this point in life I rarely truly worry about the swings and cycles, but my brain has been so unstable lately that I'm am worried. It's been a very rough past couple years and so many things have been affected by what's happened. To be clear I am not suicidal in any capacity. My cat would never forgive me and I do enjoy being alive even when it's chaotic and kinda terrible. + +I have basically been rapid cycling the past 11 months with a few intermittent bigger episodes, dealing with a very fresh PTSD development due to being in an abusive relationship with someone who in a psychotic rage beat a woman so bad he caved in part of her skull. He's in prison now but it doesn't erase the damage done to her or me. + +I had 6 months med access instability, 1.5 years of job instability, housing environment instability, other health problems (ever tried to use your hands when you can't feel 80+ percent of them?) and these god damn hallucinations and crying spells really need to fking stop. + +I've been trying out more meds, different med combos, self-care, coping mechanisms. I've been in therapy and physical therapy and those are helping. I keep my appointments with my specialists and p-doc. I do my job the best I can and try to keep my shit together but I've been barely holding my head above water for such a long time with it all and I feel like I'm about to drown. + +No, correction. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been drowning for a while and I just realized it. + +I'm just trying to survive and it's getting harder and harder to do so. I'm bawling just typing this out. + +I did my taxes today and for the first time in the 13 years of paying taxes I authorized someone else to talk to the irs if necessary. I wrote down my important login information. I've been talking to my dad and my sister about the gist of everything. I know my sister will take care of my cat if I can't, I've already gone over all of Annie's overall care and needs especially regarding her medical care and environmental needs. + +I need a fresh start. There are too many ghosts in this area that haunt me and my dreams. I've had too much loss and trauma to call it home anymore. I want to move up north to the only place I can call home. I want to move into my dad's place and live with one of the few humans I trust. + +I brought it up today and he's thinking about it. I will see what his thoughts are about it later. + +I can't stand how things are anymore and I need to be better. + +In addition to my lithium, lamictal, vyvanse, buspirone, propranolol and gabapentin, I started vraylar last week but it's not working fast enough so I start olanzapine tomorrow. Maybe it will help me. I'm really hoping it will help me because I can't hold it together anymore, not even for my cat. + +I hate and despise my brain with the fury of a thousand bonfires. I wish I could be normal. I wish I was blissfully unaware of how any of this feels. + +I spent most of my 20's learning how to handle bp and to become and stay stable. But apparently my early 30's are having a laugh at what I managed to achieve. + +Edit: my dad said yes. I'll be moving mid-may after a few appointments and finalizing everything. + +I'm going to be paying cash for my meds for a little while until I can get on Medicaid, but that's okay. I'm hoping to fill my meds as soon as my insurance lets me (up to 5 days before the days supply ends) so I can build up extra. Maybe try to get a vacation override or something towards the end. I'm gonna work some extra shifts to build up some money. I gotta get Annie to the the vet for her annual exam and refills of her phenobarbital. And ask the vet if she will authorize an early refill or prescribe a larger volume so there's more of a buffer zone for her (because her seizures are both heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time). + +I have so much to do! I have more hope again. God damn I love my dad. He's always been beyond awesome and supportive, he has been one of my biggest supporters in multiple ways over the years. I legitimately don't know if I would be here typing this if he wasn't who he is. + +I had some happy tears today and I'm like to think they outweighed all the sad and angry ones that I've had lately. + +Edit 2: honestly this post doesn't even mention many of the other things, like the rage I have felt for sometime, a brief hope and desire to date someone. A miscarriage I still mourn and how I never told him that I named her. The depth of complexity and severity of my nerve, skin and gut problems and how much money has been spent on them. Or how I stopped loving my job because I hate the place I work and my coworkers are a pack of wolves who I've tried to hide weaknesses from. Or that i've just been so tired for so many years.",Bipolar +50507,"Oops I did it again. Sometimes in a rush I will accidentally take my srqual by mistake in the morning… and I’m usually at work, it hits me hard .. I will usually go home but sometimes I will stay. Appearing to be drunk .Takes me all morning to work it through my system until the afternoon , after coffee .. has anyone done this before?",Bipolar +46949,"someone be proud please!! thanks to my tax return i was able to pay $1,000 off my credit card that i racked up when manic last. progress is so satisfying!! ",Bipolar +45949,"I'm home here, thank you all I can shout, cry, or mourn without judgement. +I feel motivated to listen, reach out, and do what I can to ease the burden of others when I'm able. +Through reading the situations that sound like my own, I learn about myself and the dangers of our condition. + +For all the salt on reddit it's been an incredible discovery and has definitely eased my adjustment process since diagnosis. +Thank you to you all for being as patient and as understanding as others are to you here.",Bipolar +46328,Remind me again why I need to take my meds?! I’m so fucking miffed right now I want to stop all together and ride this train all the way to manic city.,Bipolar +47067,"How to talk to your friends/family about the severity of your illness Hi everyone, + +I have been diagnosed for 2 years now, but people in my life really do not seem to understand the difficulty of having bipolar II and what it means to have to deal with it everyday. My father said upon hearing that I was diagnosed ask me if ""they gave me meds for that"", as though that would solve the problem. My mother basically said nothing. My grandmother now seems to think I am a loaded gun headed for a psychiatric hospital and the rest of my family treats me like I am a child. I have my brothers and they are kind. My partner is supportive, but my friends aren't. I don't know what to do anymore to help other people understand that I am fighting a disorder that has taken more years from me already than they would care to think about. + +My bipolar manifests as extreme depression for months with about 4 days of hypomanic episodes afterward. I am on a pretty good medication load, but my baseline of depression has never lifted. I have problems with compulsive behaviors like drinking, smoking, sex, drugs and food. I am not sure how else to talk to people about the severity of my illness and why it causes me to act in this way. I don't want to be the fucked up guy all of the time and I want people to see me as a human.",Bipolar +49727,"Sappy post: loving each of you is helping my love myself Title says it. I love all of your humor, your strengths, your obstacles, all of it. I realized its helping me view myself as a real person and accept my own ups and downs as well! So, thanks for sharing your lives, internet strangers.",Bipolar +49698,,Bipolar +49830,"Books on Bipolar Disorder I’m not sure how many readers are in this group, but I want to know more about my bipolar disorder. Do any of you know any great recommendations in fiction or non - fiction books on bipolar disorder? I appreciate any response.",Bipolar +49542,"Snake oil Saleswoman at work is triggering me very hard She's talking about how her and her partner use energy healing and using frequencies and tapping into the multidimensional levels of consciousness to heal the body mind and spirit. + +Apparently all mental health diagnosis are bullshit and all you need is some energy healing to address their physical, mental and spiritual issues. Also apparently my past lives are continuing trauma as well. + +Western medicine is bullshit and so is therapy apparently. + +I'm so upset. All of this sounds like my psychosis and hearing it from someone who sounds sound of mind is so confusing and upsetting. I thought I was having a spiritual awakening and having that ripped away from medication and a diagnosis was really upsetting. + +I'm stable now and wouldn't ditch my meds ever but hearing stuff like this makes me feel like I'm broken. + +Edit for anyone who cares: I'm sorry for being disrespectful of other cultures who utilize these methods. To be honest I meditate and have explored a lot of what she was talking about and found some comfort in it for a while. My main issue is her completely discounting modern medicine and who knows how many people are running around having episodes thinking they are operating at a God frequency because of people like her. Won't apologize for using the term snake oil Saleswoman because if the shoe fits...🤷",Bipolar +49915,"Do you find the ""decreased NEED for sleep"" part of the diagnosis for mania to be correct? I was diagnosed with bipolar by my therapist several months before I had a ""true"" manic episode that got me hospitalized. I didn't believe my diagnosis the first time around because everything I read about mania said that you don't feel need to sleep and that you don't feel tired. All the textbooks and articles say that you can get little sleep but operate on ""full steam."" No matter how extreme my manic episodes were, I was always absolutely exhausted, and I would need to sleep, I just couldn't sleep. Do you find this to be true for yourself at all, or do you resonate with the textbook description?",Bipolar +49506,"I accidentally double-dosed Lamictal and Seroquel I'm sitting in my kitchen - not at work - because I accidentally double-dosed my meds last night. I was absent minded and totally didn't remember if I had taken them or not. I didn't want to *not* take them, so I took them not knowing if it would be a double dose or not. + +&#x200B; + +When I woke up this morning, I realized that yes, it was a double dose. I was speaking incoherently, it took me forever to write the text message to my boss, and walking to the bathroom felt incredibly laborious. I fell back asleep for five more hours. + +&#x200B; + +Right now, my biggest side effect is slower breathing. Not too slow where I'm worried, but slow enough that it's different and I'm noticing it. + +&#x200B; + +I was really, really worried for a spell, but I know that this will work it's way through my body and I'll be back to normal shortly. I'm going to go fall back asleep again and hopefully wake up feeling better. + +&#x200B; + +I found some comfort searching bipolar reddit yesterday, so I hope that sharing my experience is helpful to someone. I'm fine, I will be fine, and I'm just going to take it really slow and take good care of myself today. Oh, and be more careful about taking my pills.",Bipolar +45450,"Do you still get depressed even when stabilised? As bipolar is a degenerative disorder as much as I hate to believe it, do you still get depression, is your memory, cognition getting worse even when you're stabilised. + +I can't even think for crap. Meds have made me crap. ",Bipolar +45602,"New diagnosis, new medications (Abilify) and, of course, new questions Hi everyone! A little background here, before I ask any questions: + +I've been struggling with mental health issues for approximately eight years now, and I am twenty-years-old. I was ""officially"" diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2016, and started an anti-depressant. It worked alright at the start, but I continually seemed to be on some sort of a wave. Sometimes it was really, really bad, but then other times it seemed like everything was fine and I couldn't remember what it was like to be depressed. + +Over time, this lead to me having more questions/concerns, and I spent some time doing research, and combined with some family history, this resulted in a personal hunch that I might have some form of bipolar disorder. I was pretty convinced I might have bipolar type II. + +In the past few weeks, I finally found got enrolled with a Nurse Practitioner, and I was able to talk about the crushing depression I was feeling. At first, she decided I was experiencing severe depression, and sent me for blood tests before she planned to increase my Wellbutrin prescription. However, after my blood tests and talking some more, she did further screening. Based on the questionnaires I filled out and what we talked about, she and the doctor she works under confirmed that I have bipolar disorder. Despite the fact that I had been thinking about it, it was still a shock and I'm trying to get myself oriented in this new world. + +Now, about new medications... Originally, I was going to be given lamotrigine 25mg twice daily, but the nurse practitioner had to consult the doctor to figure out if I would stay on my Wellbutrin at the same time or if I needed to be weaned off Wellbutrin first. In the end, they decided to keep me on Wellbutrin, add Abilify once daily at night, and if I reached the max dose of Abilify without optimal results, then they would add lamotrigine or another mood stabilizer. + +So, last week I started Abilify at the 2mg dose. I take it at approximately 11:00pm, and then go to bed. However, I am having a tough time figuring out if my symptoms over the past few days are related, if they're typical, if they're likely to last, etc. + +**Disclaimer: I know that you cannot provide medical advice, nor do I want medical advice from strangers on the Internet! I will be telling my nurse practitioner everything when I see her next, which will be on Wednesday of this week. I am just hoping to find some insight from other people who have taken Abilify and had similar experiences or who can provide additional reliable resources about Abilify, because I am struggling to find this information myself.** + +* The nurse practitioner told me that they wanted me on Abilify to help me get better sleep. However, I don't find it makes it easy to sleep at all. The first night, I ended up being mostly awake until 7:30am, and then slept until 10:30am. The second night, I was awake until 1:45am and slept until 10:00am, and I had similar patterns the rest of the nights so far. Last night, I went to bed around 11:00pm as usual, and still was up until around 1:00am and woke up at 5:25am. I know that it takes a while for medications to really start working, but is this at all normal? This is almost worse than my sleep lately before I started it. +* I keep feeling so, so sick. The first day, I got a little bit queasy but didn't think much of it until I woke up and couldn't get out of bed at first because I felt so sick. Over the weekend, it made me so sick that I missed two shifts at work because I couldn't be bending over and lifting things up and walking around. I actually threw up once, but that was it. I did some research online and ended up making the decision to try taking gravol with it, but I know it can make me more drowsy and it's definitely causing dry mouth. I'm wondering if anyone else has taken Abilify and had this problem? Does it go away over time, and only come back when changing doses? +* Last night specifically, while I was trying to sleep, I experienced something I don't think I ever have before. I think I had some auditory hallucinations, I heard a repetitive noise, and then it was almost like people were talking despite the fact that I was alone with my boyfriend who was sleeping soundly. I've never had them before, and I don't understand where this would come from. Could it be from taking the Abilify? Or is it likely unrelated and coincidental? + +Thank you in advance to everyone who reads and/or responds! ",Bipolar +50188,"Doubting diagnoses I’ve been diagnosed with a number of physiological disorders including bipolar, depression, anxiety, OCD, and I often feel like I’m lying about my problems or making it up. Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +50393,"I’m too tired I am tired of my mental health and doctors visit is and therapy and meds. I hate being stressed out working 14 hours in a stressful job and working my weekends . I’m tired feeling like a failure. I’m tired of feeling invcovoe to feeling nothing. I’m tired of having memeroeiw come back of my spouse hitting me and belittling me. I’m tired of fearing a horrible manic episode ruining my life. + +I hate feeling like some kind of whore. I hate the things I did with my body with others when I wanted help. I hate that I only seem to be out of breath trying to run to just get by. + +I feel like I cannot get out of a cycle. And after trying to take my life at various times, it starts feeling more like not that big of deal to just try again. + +I feel so confused and upset that I have lived in such a closeted way. And when I try to hide all about my sexuality, it is like people can just smell it off me and sometimes just seem to prey on it and come after me for it. + +I’m exhausted. Too exhausted and tired of so many things.",Bipolar +46856,"Is having a therapist I talk to in my head a coping skill or a symptom of my illness? So my boyfriend and I are just double checking because we know hearing voices can be a sign of extreme mania. Is it healthy to have a therapist I talk to in my head (or sometimes out loud, I’ve always talked to myself out loud)? She doesn’t tell me to hurt myself or anyone else, she mostly just helps me gain an impartial perspective on things. Sometimes I even pretend my boyfriend and I are doing couples therapy with her. Is this mania or just a coping skill? + +Thank you. :) ",Bipolar +46769,"Lack of empathy I know this is not really related to my bipolar disorder, but I just recently found out my brother is in jail again. This time he has a felony charge of meth possession (living in Texas). My dad and I thought that he quit doing meth, but we were very wrong. He has been in jail multiple times and has had multiple suicide attempts (one of which really fucked me up when I found out about it). He apparently lit himself on fire ""accidently"". Anyways, I don't know what's going on with me, but I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Yes, it's sad, but idk.. I just don't feel much. Just figured I'd reach out and see if anyone has had a similar experience. ",Bipolar +45819,"Lost alot of $ going crazy I lost alot of $ on the stock market last 2 months. about 260 k worth. I feel like complete shit. I have been sleeping in until noon and staying up until 9 so sleeping 15-16 hours at a time. I have no energy. eating one meal. soups and frozen pizzas . ill drag myself out to grocery store tomorrow or next day i guess. havent shaved or showered in days. + +how do i get out of this i just want it all to end. ",Bipolar +46826,"Wellbutrin in conjunction with other meds Hi everyone, first post in this sub. My pdoc has prescribed Wellbutrin for depression, which I am taking together with 900mg Lithium, 100mg Sertralin and 1,5 mg Risperidone. Has anyone been on this combination? I started taking it on Friday, and I am a mess. Zero appetite, shaking, cold sweats, hot sweats, all the sweats. basically I am white-knuckling it till Monday when I can call the doc, but am feeling pretty alone right now and would appreciate any advice you might have. Would you for example consider stopping the Wellbutrin before consulting the doc?",Bipolar +45635,"Everybody asks this When do I go to the hospital? How many times have I seen people ask that question? + +I've counted all the pills in my ""treasure chest"" but not sure I like any of the potentially lethal combos. I've gone on the darknet markets to see what I can get, but my drugs of choice are hard to come by. I'm not sold on more physically violent methods. I live alone so nobody would stop me. + +I've started writing a kind of philosophical paper to explain (mostly to my parents) why I think suicide is a reasonable option. I've drafted my will and had it witnessed. I've been writing my suicide letter in my head for weeks. + +Still, if I do it, it won't be tomorrow. Maybe I won't do it at all. Probably not. Do I just wait for my next pdoc appt? What do I say to her when I see her?",Bipolar +49476,"Bf won’t have sex if I’m in mania Edit: Should have put MIXED in title. During mania - we need sex to straighten out sometimes. + +I’m on the end swing out of a mixed which has lasted about ten days. I wasn’t in psychosis or anything extreme. I’m not off my meds so it wasn’t super dramatic or anything. Worst thing I did was throw a cheeseburger into the sink when I got some bad news about my dog. + +So, we had sex last night and afterwards when we were cuddling in bed he kissed me and said “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you.” + +We chatted a bit more and he said he’s been dodging my sexual advances because I wasn’t feeling like myself and he felt wrong about pursuing anything sexual when I wasn’t my exact self. + +I hadn’t really put it together. I don’t think I’ve ever been so respected in my life. How does everyone else’s SO handle sex in mania or mixed?",Bipolar +46836,"Never gets better I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder late last year, started meds, was doing great! The best I’ve been in years, until my meds started giving me side effects. It’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve stopped the meds and realized that I’m never going to get better. I can’t function without meds. I just think it’s better to kill myself now (16) then let my life get worse. There’s no hope. I’ll always be like this.",Bipolar +45963,"Disengaging from my friends Fuck. Fuck man. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm pushing away the people who can help me the most because I feel like a drama queen and I feel like I am a burden to them and I feel embarrassed because I don't want to make a spectacle of myself. + +We have a weekly game night on Thursdays. Last night I really wanted to bail - I left work half an hour late and the day started off shitty - but my friend asked if I could bring him a sixer of something, and I'm always there for my friends when they need me. So I snagged it and showed up. Felt flighty, left an hour in when I realized I just couldn't people anymore. + +Cried the whole way home. Depressed as fuck. + +I don't want to change my meds right now. Last time I changed them I got real fucked up. I'm on Lamictal 150s. I close on a house in three weeks, and I'll have a real bed, instead of sleeping on a pull out couch. I won't be in direct contact with my family constantly. Gaslighting. Half-apologies. It's frustrating. + +I think I'm not sleeping enough. It's been this way for 8 months now. 9 months. I just need a good nights sleep, maybe I should get a hotel for a couple of days just to get some fucking sleep finally. But honestly I don't want to spend the money when I'm close to getting the house. I'll need to buy out fuel, pay for utilities & cable 'installation' (even tho I have my own modem), and my first mortgage payment is 18 days after closing. It feels tiring. + +Like, I'm not stressed about the house. At all. My mother is. She picks at it like, 'I don't think you're going to like the commute' 'Are you picking out the shingles for the roof? No? That's a mistake.' 'You can't put a roof on in winter.' And she was stressed about it *for me* in the beginning because she thought it was a 2 bedroom house *even though I sent her the listing that showed it was a 3 bedroom*. And she was stressing ME out, where I had all my shit in order. + +I've had all my shit in order so much that I haven't had to gather paperwork or do anything for the past 3 and a half weeks. I've been twiddling my thumbs, just *waiting*. + +And I texted a couple people from game night, who haven't texted me back. And I'm stressed about it. And I'm worried they all collectively decided I was crazy and to stop talking to me because that's what I tell myself when I'm depressed - that I'm useless and a burden and everyone would be better off without me. + +Even my friend who I was supposed to babysit for on Saturday hasn't gotten back to me. I feel so alone, and I feel like I'm doing it to myself. Because I am. + + + +Edit: Heard back from one friend. Still on for babysitting at least. She's awesome. People don't hate me. + +But I still feel crappy.",Bipolar +46557,"Finding the right meds I started treatment a year and a half ago. I know I am better with meds and I am really grateful for them. But I don't feel good yet. I've had a couple great days even one great month but it never lasts and then the doc just ups dose. I'm starting to feel like I'm on a hell of a lot of meds (400 lamotrigine, 300 quetiapine, 120 propranolol) to not be getting satisfactory results. I do trust my doc and follow all his directions, but how do you know when you finally have the right cocktail? How long did it take you to find it and once you did, how long did it work for you? +",Bipolar +50032,"do y’all know how to cope with making a horrible, life-altering, career-ruining, bridge-burning decision that disappoints everyone you know? i absolutely ruined my career on impulse after staying up all night drinking alone. i literally cannot believe i did this. i just got a decent job that pays amazing, and it’s gone. i cannot believe i disappointed my family like this. unbelievable. + +i spent the night drinking heavily, chatting with random men (nsfw stuff) online to make me hate myself even more than i already do (i’m a lesbian, wtf???), crying hysterically for no reason, slept for one whole hour, woke up still drunk and then ended my career a few hours later when i got sober because i was 1000% convinced i was going to be fired for no reason. literally what the fuck. + +this was yesterday. i’m absolutely not coping, it hasn’t even really hit me and i’m really scared for when it does. the only reason i haven’t hurt myself as punishment is i don’t feel like i deserve even that relief. + +i’m still adjusting my meds (low doses of five meds, the plan is to consolidate and up the doses after). been struggling still with self destructive behaviors but this is so much worse than anything else i’ve ever done. + +i don’t even know if this is related to my bipolar disorder really, i’m sorry if this doesn’t fit here. this was the first place i thought to post.",Bipolar +46069,"Birth Control and Mania? Hello! I'm curious to find out if anyone here has experienced heightened manic/hypomanic reactions to birth control pills? My former psychiatrist (*former* for MANY reasons) took me off BC because she was afraid that it was triggering my manic episode at the time (despite me desperately needing BC due to hormone deficiency). I've just recently started to take BC again after talking with my OBGYN who said he's never heard of that happening before, but I'm rightfully concerned now. So who's right?",Bipolar +46166,"Distinct likes during episodes? I’ve noticed that while my personality stays the same more or less during episodes, one thing that doesn’t is things I can or can’t stand. For example, depending on my episode I crave candy, or turkey sandwiches, or goldfish and string cheese. Each is distinct, and I feel like I can eat it for every meal every day while the episode is happening. Then it will shift to another one of those foods. + +Anyone else have anything like this? Where cravings and things become the characteristic of the type of episode you’re going to have? ",Bipolar +50539,"I have a Master’s degree and I just want to stock shelves I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a good fit for my field of study. It’s deliriously stressful and triggers episodes without fail. I’ve always been ambitious and driven to succeed but while job hunting I‘m realizing that I want and need to go at a slower pace. My memory ain’t what it used to be, and the cognition ain’t the same. My job came home with me; I went to bed and woke up with it, on top of having a family. I haven’t worked in nearly a year and half due to burnout. + +Anyone else experience being happier with…less? I think I’d be happy stocking shelves at this point.",Bipolar +46471,"Kind of embarrassing but question on lithium (Also something positive!) I've been on lithium for about 7mo give or take, 2mo ago it was upped to a once a day 1200mg dose at night with 20mg of zyprexa. Now my problem is, and yes this is quite TMI embarrassing, I've had diarrhea for a solid month now. Every damn time I go to the restroom it's fucking horrible. + +Does anyone else have a problem like this? I set an appointment with my Psych to discuss this issue but my stupid clinic doesn't make appointments more than 3 days ahead and he is booked. Very frustrating. But I can't stand this bathroom thing, however I will not stop the lithium because it has saved me. Any feedback appreciated! ",Bipolar +46952,"Bipolar in the media So I just read this article [lost child](https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/05/us/timmothy-pitzen-investigation-friday/index.html) and I was mad / sad when I read that his brother claimed he was bipolar, but essentially should have had the self restraint to not do this. If my own experiences are anywhere close to normal, you are not rational when manic (assuming he was ). Thoughts ? opinions ? ",Bipolar +46824,"dear people of bipolarreddit, PLEASE help me - what can i expect? hello r/bipolarreddit. good morning to each and every one of you. please, i badly need your help and advice. the benefit of your experience would be absolutely priceless to me. + +my very best friend has always been COMPLETELY stable--in fact she's the rock of our friend group. + +she and i always spoke every single day, ever since we were 11. we would write and share poetry; go to movies together; do kitchen gardening together; shop together; ride horses together; watch tv for hours together; even travel together--we've been to portugal, spain, mexico, the bahamas, peru, and canada. + +we are southern and she really is as sweet as pecan pie. +i love her like a sister. + +her 30th birthday was three months ago, december 28. she was NOT herself: speaking rapidly, having ""amazing"" ideas, vastly inflated self-esteem, incredibly project-oriented, overly friendly to everyone, no filter when speaking (lots of sextalk, really a no-no in AL), said she didn't sleep anymore. it was frightening to watch. a doctor friend who was at her birthday party told me quietly he thought she was manic. he was right. + +the past three months has been hell. she has been hospitalized twice. she lost her job and her boyfriend. she is spending all of her money. all she wants to do is go out to honkeytonks and drink, or go out dancing in the nearest city (formerly she had no interest in either activity). my momma was a raging alcoholic and i have terrible anxiety about drinking (and in general), so i simply cannot go out with her. she is being aggressive to strangers when she is out. + +she has de-escalated a few times but not to the point of normality (we went to see a romcom and she laughed loudly at every joke, but very artificially, almost inappropriately). i am so scared for her. before her second hospitalization she attacked her boyfriend and her sister (this is why her bf left). she refuses to take her risperdol. + +will she ever be ""normal"" again? she is in denial. after her first hospitalization she told me was fine. i am exhausted and run down from the uncertainty of it all and frankly a little afraid of her. i already know we will never travel together again, but will she ever be my poetry-writing, mint-growing bff again? i really struggle to be around drunk/unpredictable people. even her horse seems nervous around her now. + +i am desperate to help her but i feel myself pulling away because i can't condone or participate in the drinking/aggression toward strangers. i cannot speak to her honestly about her condition because she doesn't believe she has it. bp1 is NOT!!!!!! a problem for me in our friendship but her choice to drink and not take meds is. i feel my trust vanishing. it is so heartbreaking. her very religious gamma recently told me she feels her granddaughter is dead. + +i have read every single thing i could find about bp1 but i'm still confused about outcomes. i have been there for her as much as i can, was right there after the first hospitalization, have taken her out to flower shows, a dressage event, and dinner (even when she's irritable and delusional), but i am just so scared. i am scared of her. + +PLEASE help us. what can i do? what can i expect? + +god bless all of you. god bless your families. i hope you all feel good today.",Bipolar +46305,"I failed at overdosing for a second time. I overdosed on Clonanzepam last night, but as you can see, I'm still here. I'm sick, tired, and in pain. I just want this to be over.",Bipolar +49881,"Asking friends for support when hypomanic? Do you think it's a good idea to ask friends to hang out or be around you, when you're in an episode -- either depressed or hypomanic? + +I'm currently hypomanic, and it scares me so much. I just don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to subject anyone else to my rambling conversations and agitation. + +Is it better to hibernate at home, and avoid people? Are chill hangouts alright? Is this considered rude or asking too much of other people?",Bipolar +50208,"Bipolar Disorder and Incurable Stds Hi, I hope this is allowed here. Wasn't sure if I should post it here or somewhere else. It's kinda really hard to post this. + +So, I have bipolar mania. I haven't received treatment for it in years. I would love to eventually get treatment. I also am pretty sure I have an incurable STD. (Not asking for any diagnoses or anything.) + +Is it okay to ask if anybody else does too? I have this very strong feeling I'm not good enough to have friends or relationships because of all these things. ie to keep people safe away from me/no one wants to be around someone like that probably. This makes it easier when I'm having a depressive episode to push everyone away without thinking I'm doing so. I feel like just the thought makes my depressive episodes worse. + + Does anybody else feel this way? How do they get through feeling this way? I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I still deserve to have a good happy life and people that love me. Would you be friends with someone if you knew that they had an incurable disease?",Bipolar +46547,"manic paranoia / work rant I keep fucking up at work (already 2.5 months in) small mistakes but consistently enough that I truly believe everyone hates me and complain about me and my “boss” (postdoc) thinks I’m incompetent (I sure as hell feel fucking incompetent) and on the verge of getting canned any minute.I try so fucking hard, I feel nauseous starting basic experiments. I have hours long sobbing sessions when I get home (when I should be studying). It’s a mixture of this very long manic episode and I think my medications are making me a bit scatterbrained and forgetful. it’s all just a giant fucking mess. ",Bipolar +46786,"I thought Bipolar was going to run my life. I'm so glad I was wrong. This is a celebration point for me and I wanted to share it with people who would understand the significance. + +I've been receiving treatment for Bipolar II for over a decade and it's never been easy to deal with -- until this year. March/April is one of my depressive times and, instead of being crippled by my emotions, I was proactive. I spoke with my psychiatrist early-on so that he could make the right medication adjustments to keep the episode from getting worse. + +For the first time I feel like I'm managing my Bipolar, rather than it managing me. I now have hope that I can continue functioning as an adult as long as I use all my skills and resources. + +Anyone else have something to celebrate? ",Bipolar +46611,"Psychosis while in a depressive phase? Okay so I’m 18 and I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder when I was 14. I have noticed that often when I’m at the lowest of my depressive cycles, I often end up having psychotic episodes (hallucinating, paranoia, delusions, etc). I have only heard of people having these due to mania and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this. If you have experienced this, please let me know if you have any advice to help prevent this. ",Bipolar +46198,"Grieving what my life could have been It's been about a year since I was diagnosed (type 2), and my therapist says I'm still in denial that I actually have bipolar disorder. I guess she's right. In a way, I guess I'm grieving over what I thought my life could've been: stable, connected to others, and successful. I'm stuck in a mindset where I feel like my symptoms are only in my head and if I stop taking my meds and going to therapy, everything will go back to normal--no more suicidal thoughts/attempts and hypomania. Yet, if roles were reversed and a friend were telling me this, I'd tell them to keep taking their meds and going to therapy and move on with their life. + +I know this is just whining, but to be honest, I just don't want to have bipolar disorder. I've realized how serious bipolar disorder is and I don't want to deal with the stigma and the risks/uncertainty and the work involved. I don't want to keep having to disclose this loved ones. I don't want the decreased lifespan from being likely to commit suicide. I don't want the reckless decisions that come with mania and mixed states. I don't want any of this. + +Has anyone else experienced these feelings? How do I accept my condition so I can move on with my life?",Bipolar +49889,"Problems with being touched? Anyone else go through periods where they don’t like to be touched by anyone? I’ve never been a fan of contact, it always seems so foreign to me, Never natural. Right now just having any skin to skin contact makes my skin crawl (sorry, couldn’t come up with a better term) I just hung out with a group of friends who I haven’t seen in a while and in the traditional midwestern way there were hugs all around. I hated it. + +I love my wife dearly but there I times when she touches me I feel like a stranger is laying their hands on me. It’s just so icky.",Bipolar +46525,"Looking for advice about what to do now that I have no insurance. *I really need some guidance and/or suggestions. I have no support system and no one to talk this out with to figure out what I should do.* + +&#x200B; + +Backstory: + +I lost my job at the beginning of January. That (on top of things that I was already dealing with and at the time I was unmedicated) I ended up flipping my sh\*t and ended up in the mental health unit for a week. During that week they got me medicated with Lamictal and Latuda, stabilized and finally I was discharged with a follow up appointment with a pdoc already scheduled for me. + +The problem is that my insurance ran out at the end of January. I currently have no job (not for a lack of trying, I just bomb the interviews horribly) and no way to pay for a doctor's visit and my local resources can't do anything for me for a couple of months due to lack of openings through my county's community services board (I don't know what the term is for other places but this is set up to handle mental health stuff for uninsured or under insured people). + +My awesome therapist decided to keep seeing me even though the insurance is now cancelled, and my primary doctor is going to work with me to get me taken care of as well. My therapist, the pdoc in the hospital, and my primary care doc have all advised me against going back to work right now and are urging me to seek temporary disability benefits as they all feel that I need a year or two to get back to a functioning level and I hated to admit it, but I agree with them because I am completely unable to handle leaving my house most of the time now days. They all told me to go to social services and apply for Medicaid so that I can keep going to the doctor which I am working on as well as trying to figure out how to get disability. + + I have no insurance or money to pay for a pdoc appointment (first appointment as a new patient is base priced at $300) and medications; the Lamictal I can get without insurance for around $15 while the Latuda is about $1500. The makers of Latuda offer a discount program themselves but it's only up to $600 which still leaves me about $900 to pay out of pocket so that does me no good.In the meantime, I have no idea how to get my medications refilled and I know that I can't just stop taking them. + +The pdoc in the hospital said the Latuda would only be for a month and then he advised that I stop the Latuda and go fully on the Lamictal 2 times a day. Of course that would ultimately be left up to the pdoc I was scheduled to see. + +Should I contact my primary doc and see if she will write the Rx as the pdoc said it should be be after the month of Latuda was up? Is there anything that anyone knows of that will help me get low cost or no cost help? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks in advance. I hate to ask here but I don't know where else to turn at this point and I don't want to annoy my doc or therapist until I have an idea of the direction that I should be going in first. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +45953,"Therapy suggestions? On and off meds. Hopelessly in love with my ex/bestie. Hey so I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions of helpful therapies? I've done the standard/""basic"" kind of therapies and it's just not helping. I have a kickass Psych who has me on a good medication set up right now. I've been going on and off my meds (sometimes I forget to pick them up for too long or can't afford them every once in awhile). The guy I was seeing threw me head over heals and quickly became my best friend as well as a serious love. Unfortunately we aren't talking right now (long story I'll spare you the details) and I just can't get over it. I've been trying for a few months and can't get the ""loss"" of a love AND bestie through my head enough to accept it. I'm happy for him that he's found someone else and all but I'm still getting panic attacks, obsessive thinking, and really deep lows. I'd like to not be as reliant on my meds as I've need to be. So that's why I'm looking for maybe some alternative therapies. Has anyone had luck with therapies like hypnotherapy, outpatient intensive, or anything else??? Even done at home things that have been beneficial??",Bipolar +46685,"oh, i'm the science witch the format of this reddit thing is all new to me...but i do like this dark mode. + +[The Science Witch](https://www.michellelmead.wordpress.com) is my blog, and it's full of rambling weirdness couched in philosophy and science lessons, all as an excuse to talk about my mental health journey through coping with bipolar and ptsd while i write a book. kinda messy, but scary-fun at the same time.",Bipolar +46271,"Anguish For the last three months I've been doing what I can to keep my anger and anxiety down to a minimum. Long story short I was asked to help an aquaintence with a project and when I divulged personal stories to them about things that I had guilt or fears about they decided to tell me it was my fault and then rub salt in the would be telling me I was a burden on them. I came home crushed and filled with rage and anger but mostly a feeling of guilt. Like I had done something wrong. Like maybe there was truth in their words. Logically I know there isn't. They never took the time to even listen to me and interrupted me constantly while never giving me a chance to think to respond, claiming that because I had to think I was about to lie and was unsure myself. + +Truth is, I just don't think of certain things that often. I had opened up to these people just to be kicked down, and for the last three months I've been filled with an uneasy rage and panic attacks whenever I think of them which has been daily. I've done everything I know to do to get them out of my head, but it only serves to strengthen the memory. I know that by giving them so much real estate in my head I'm giving them the power over me but I can't control it. I feel so hurt, and now it's starting to cause severe paranoia in my normal life making me laugh or at those I trust. I feel lost, helpless, useless and full of guilt but lost of all I feel like it is all my fault for not being able to cope. I have a history of trauma, bipolar, depression, and autism. + + I'm terrified of people and I don't know what to do anymore. I've resigned the idea of ever getting a job or of ever having a meaningful relationship. But know I wonder if having a standards life is out of the question as well. I feel like my troubles are so insignificant compared to others and that I'm just whining, but I also know that just because others have it worse it doesn't invalidate my pain but yet still I feel like a waste of breathe. I'm scared. I'm so scared for my future.",Bipolar +50080,"To preface, this probably belongs only in a diary or in the depths of the folds in my mind… This might be a mess. How are you supposed to tell somebody, be it a mental health provider or a friend to confide in, that you’d rather be dead than have to live with bipolar disorder? I’m NOT suicidal. I’m just exhausted. The help I’ve received has been minimal at best. My original diagnosis was 10+ years ago, and the treatment was and still is a joke. + +I was never the best patient, but my doctor told me that I was the bipolar poster child. + +I lived at home with my single mother, who moved to a different apartment at least once a year. She was a victim of domestic violence. The incident occurred around 2004, and this man (the abuser) played a minimal role in her life in the following 13 years. Even though he’s out of her life completely now, she will still “play the victim card”, as she’s likely consumed by thoughts of the event. That being said, she refuses to confront her trauma. She played little to no part in helping me get any help for my mental illnesses or her own. + +Due to constantly moving, when I could get any kind of professional treatment, it was never long lasting. I wasn’t able to stay in therapy/psychiatry and I surely wasn’t able to stay on a medication long enough to tell if it was beneficial or not. This led to episodes of mania and depression that then led to hospitalizations that shattered my trust in everyone. + +My mother moved out of the apartment we lived in when I was 17. From that time until I was 20, I rapidly cycled through manic, hypomanic, psychotic manic, and crippling depressive episodes with great intensity. I wasn’t able to tell where the mania ended and the depression began. I was mostly manic, which meant I didn’t need treatment because I felt like a god; completely untouchable. I got arrested, lost my job, and totaled my car. My mother had put me up in my own one-bedroom apartment. After losing my job, I didn’t have any income with which to pay my rent. I lost the apartment, too, and ended up homeless. + +I started to get back on my feet with a lot of help from friends, family, and my boyfriend at the time. I started self-medicating with cannabis and the symptoms actually started to subside for a little while. I certainly won’t say that it’s an effective treatment method for bipolar disorder because I was still cycling, but I wasn’t moving through episodes so quickly. For the past 5 years, I’ve noticed annual depressive episodes with shorter, less severe hypo/manic episodes. + +I currently have a psychiatrist whose not willing to give me anything other than Abilify and Hydroxyzine, which is basically just Benadryl, but at least it helps me sleep at night. +I’m on the waitlist for therapy, with no openings in the next 90 days, at least. +I have a stable job, steady income, a car, and a place to live. I try to get to the gym 3 times a week. I do yoga almost every day. Things should feel better, but they don’t. + +I’m tired of taking care of myself. I’m tired of babying my mental health. I’m tired of trying to learn about bipolar disorder on my own because nobody ever educated me about my diagnosis. I do not have it in my anymore to keep doing all of this.",Bipolar +46997,"Falling asleep itchy I have had this problem on and off for a while. Itchy feeling when falling asleep. Just small pinches from some random place to another. I've tried cool showers, lotions, washing bedding, new detergents, etc. At this point I think it is purely psychological, but haven't had much success trying to convince anyone it is real beyond my mind because of lack of rash or hives. + +Anyone else have similar issues from stress or anxiety? Maybe I just need to get that managed in general to relieve this.",Bipolar +49652,"Anyone here get the shakes before, during and after visits to therapist? I get shaky due to nerves and ptsd from time to time but I’ve started to notice after my visit to my therapist office that I’m extremely shaky even though I feel fine. Anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +46676,"My sister (14yo) just attempted suicide My sister has been suffering from eating disorders and depression for months now. This afternoon she just attempted suicide by taking lots of antidepressants. + +It's just so fucking frustrating how our genes are fucked up. At her age I was already at my second or third major depressive episode. + +And I'm so cought deep on my own shit that I don't know what I can do for her as I never knew what I could do to help myself and I never had any help at that point to know what could had been done. + +So that's it. Just wanted to vent a little and see if you guys maybe had any insights on this.",Bipolar +46017,"I feel like this is killing me, but still no one listens..? I am convinced that I have been suffering from bipolar since the age of 19, I am now 21. I don't think I'll make it to 30, I just can't see it happening. I've been cycling between manic episodes which start off fun and then end up making me irritable, paranoid and delusional; and then crippling depression, where I lie in bed all day feeling like I'm burning in the fiery pits of hell; and each year it seems to get more intense. I can't hold down a job or maintain a relationship for more than a couple weeks. I can't afford to feed myself a lot of the time. After waiting for months I got to see a psychiatrist who discharged me after I told her I had been smoking weed, saying I had a substance abuse problem, but not addressing the underlying issue which I believe to be bipolar. Luckily I live in New Zealand where we have sweet welfare benefits which are just enough to put a roof over my head. I basically feel like when I kill myself, it won't be because I had mental health problems, it will be because no one would help me. People willl say at my funeral, oh if you were struggling with depression why didn't you tell someone, even tho in actual fact it's basically all I ever fucking talk about, and no one listens. Does anyone have any advice? I'm so confused and just feel stuck. ",Bipolar +45613,"Depression, Bipolar 2,Crohns, ADHD, half deaf and autism i dont know.... Iknow that you are not supposed to ”be” your diagnoses and that they are part of you in some way. I have gotten all of these diagnoses one after another , i barely made it in to university and after 2 years with only 3 years left of my teachers edc i got worse and i cant work But i have to otherwise i will starve and freeze to death. I have No Idea How to get help... i have been to the hospital and all of that but the other thing triggers the other and i really dont know.... the doctors says that i dont seem to sick and that i have a very broad understanding of my situation But i feel like giving up. Im so lonley you guys and Im happy that we are ”lonley ” togheter ... i should feel more greatful about the free healthcare here tho so i dont know... so many thoughts and energy But Im hungry But i had to puke and my stomache hurts.. feels like that my body gave up and that my sane/insane side is having the worst fight in my head aswell .... + +",Bipolar +45651,"Lithium: How has it affected your creativity and sexual prowess? Not sure whether I should switch medicines. I don’t feel as creative. I don’t feel excited about life, but this seems to be getting better. I feel slow in my head or like something is fuzzy. I also noticed my erections are not as firm, nor as easy to achieve and maintain. Similar to when I was on abilify, I noticed the length of my erections are shorter too. Is there anyway around this? The therapist suggested asking for Wellbutrin. ",Bipolar +46807,"It this a mixed episode? Backstory: diagnosed 7 years ago as bipolar 1 and never had a mixed episode. Anyways..... +The past few days have been miserable. I will be perfectly content and happy, getting things done. Then I’ll crash really hard and that lasts for hours no matter what I do to try and get myself out of it. I know that I can google symptoms and that this is probably a mixed episode, but I feel completely isolated. I quit my job about five weeks ago, and currently do not have health insurance. I live with my boyfriend, who is the main bread winner and starting the process of getting me on his insurance. If this is a mixed episode, what have you guys done to help stabilize? I am taking 300 mg of lithium ER three times a day and 7.5 mg of remeron at night. ",Bipolar +50186,Good tracking apps? I've been trying to find apps to track not just my overall mood but more so symptoms as I'm currently in a mixed episode. Every app I've installed asks you for your overall mood of the day but currently I'm going from 0 to 100 multiple times during the day and also experiencing symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. Does anyone know of any apps that will be good at tracking this?,Bipolar +46918,"What careers can BP sufferers succeed in? To start let’s just say I’ve had a very hard time getting my career together. Took me seven years to get a bachelors degree in Information Systems. My grades in subjects that interest me I excelled in, and anything else I usually failed or received a sympathy D. + +My first Job out of college I was happy for about 6 months, then I started struggling. This was well before I was diagnosed and started having intense panic attacks. I was able to hold that job for another year before I was let go right in the middle of the Great Recession. + +So I tried to freelance however I struggled. I would program for hours upon hours until I would crash after a few days. That led to poor quality work and I was in over my head. It was the perfect example of being overly ambitious and it led to me abusing Xanax to try and reduce the anxiety. I literally forgot two weeks of my life off of one binge. + +Luckily I was diagnosed and got on the right medications. I’ve been sober for quite a few years, but I’ve had very little luck becoming financially independent. That’s kind of the cruelest thing about it because my mood has improved, however I’m still spinning my wheels. I’m getting older and feel like I’m running out of time to build any type of meaningful career. + +My question is what careers have bipolar sufferers been able to excel in? Is there anything that fits the personality type so to speak? Seriously need to know what careers would accept someone who is only productive 6 months out of the year and burns out quickly. I feel I need to work in a field completely different than what I’m in because it’s just not working.",Bipolar +45610,"Just got denied life insurance. What to do? I just got denied life insurance, I was reluctant to have my doc notes turned over because I feel like it is a violation of privacy, but I knew I would be denied if I did not. I understand why they need that information because they are basically bookies trying to set the odds on if you are going to be alive in 20 years. Well it is another tough pill to swallow, that this is jus the way it is. This is also the first time my bp has been cited to outright deny something. I get it I understand, how ever I have a family I am concerned about if an accident or something happens. I am sure I am not the first to go through this and this is the only place I think I can find good answers.",Bipolar +45904,"Feeling depressed and have to leave the house . Need some encourgment . Im venting Hey Everyone , Ive been a lurker in here for quite a while I really like this community. Short background on me: I have bipolar type two disorder, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, anxiety, ADHD, carpal tunnel syndrome, asthma, hypothyroidism, insomnia, Hypertension. I believe undiagnosed PTSD. I am disabled I haven’t been able to work in several years my health is just getting worse. I’ve been sick I was 19 and I’m still only 31, I’m stuck in bed and barley able to walk everyday . Im in constant pain. Not looking for sympathy or anything I just need to vent. I guess it’s hard for me to talk about on the Internet to complete strangers even though reading on Reddit is a great comfort to me. I can’t drive anymore. I need help with everything. I have to depend on my family for everything I’m lucky that I have them and that I do have least with my mom as a support system. Though I don’t have anybody to help me right now so I’m gonna have to run out and get my medication( I have no idea how I’m going to do that I’m trying to find a ride right now because I’m out of my medication. ) I’m feeling so down that I just can’t motivate myself to leave. Where I live it’s freezing cold it’s dark and gloomy. I don’t have any friends where I live, I have no social life because I’m in constant suffering constant pain . Everything causes pain. So I know when I leave the house because I have no choice I’m going to be in so much more pain. I guess that’s one of the main reasons besides being depressed that its so hard for me. I guess I just need to vent thanks for listening. Im usually more on depressed Spectrum then manic. Hang in there I take some comfort in knowing that all of us are true warriors. I hope this makes sense I’m a little scatterbrained and very tired I didn’t get much sleep last night I never sleep well. And again thank you listening Id love to return the favor. ",Bipolar +49674,So many nightmares. Does anyone else experience these in spurts? I’ve seen research that says it could be a manic episode coming on. I haven’t remembered my dreams in a while but i’ve had a bad one every night the past four days. They always happen right before I wake up.,Bipolar +46853,"Destroyed Self Image Anyone with advice on improving your self image? I have struggled with hating myself (appearance, personality..etc) for years and I haven't improved. I've tried to improve myself by being healthier, and accepting my husband's compliments and try hard to believe them, but I just seem to end up hating everything about myself all over again. I can't seem to stop my own brain from insulting and absolutely tearing myself down at every opportunity. ",Bipolar +46369,"How do you make your brain shut up? Abilify has stopped my racing thoughts that pile on top of each other, but I now have a new problem of ordered thoughts that I can make sense of, then I have to answer all my own questions. It's just as exhausting and I need a way to shut it up/down/out that doesn't involve illicit drugs or alcohol. What do you do to quieten your mind?",Bipolar +45886,"Bipolar I, starting day treatment New here! I'm bipolar I with all the fun that comes with it, including hallucinations. My doctor has given up changing my medications (I'm on 4) and signed me up for day treatment (intensive outpatient treatment, 3x/wk, 4hrs a day). + +Any suggestions on how to get through this? I drive 1hr to get there, and I dislike group therapy. I always feel like my symptoms aren't severe enough to require this kind of treatment. + +On a side note, this will be my 3rd round of day treatment, the last one was over 12 years ago. One CBT, one DBT. + +Your input is greatly appreciated, and enjoy your day.",Bipolar +50162,"Sex and scars SH trigger warning + + +So I haven’t SH in like 5 months, but I have some pretty deep scars on my thighs, what do I tell someone if I’m hooking up with them and they see them. I’m really worried it a. Kill the mood b. Bring up a whole lot of stuff I know have to tell them. +I know this might seem like a weird question but I’ve been thinking about it since I stopped cutting",Bipolar +50610,"Sappy post: loving each of you is helping my love myself Title says it. I love all of your humor, your strengths, your obstacles, all of it. I realized its helping me view myself as a real person and accept my own ups and downs as well! So, thanks for sharing your lives, internet strangers.",Bipolar +50636,"They They don’t like me when I’m depressed, they don’t like me when I’m manic +Why does the way I act put everyone in a panic +Fuck, this is the way that I am +They just wanna medicate and slaughter the lamb + +I’m a pure soul +My rhymes got that sick flow +What you fronting for +Mood like a revolving door + +And I don’t even care +Used to smoke blunts and blow it in the air +But they don’t like that either +Had to give up the weed and the ether + +So here I am numb just the way you like me +Won’t scare anyone won’t just do it like Nike +So I’ll go through the motions +Although they still have their notions + +Thought I would ride til I die +In my dreams I can still fly +Anything to feel alive +But they took away my keys so I can’t drive + +So I guess I’ll express myself as a poet +I’m still the shit don’t care if you know it +Just another face in the crowd +Hide me away in a shroud",Bipolar +45808,"Hypomania and Hypersexuality Bit of a controversial confession so ask me anything... + +Im female in my 30's, married, with children. +Home and business owner. +I have been with my husband a good decade long and have been married a couple of years. + +I struggle with bipolar affective disorder type 2 with ultra rapid cycling. +I get depressive low periods. I also get hypomanic, and when I do, I get extreme hypersexual symptoms that I act on, as I haven't found a means to curb the extreme intensity of it yet. + +I've had a few extra curricular affairs. +But I have also been having an affair with my ex boyfriend that has lasted years. +Due to my condition I am a bit of a flake. +When I'm hypomanic I feel like can't breathe without him, the inner most part of my soul +Craves him. But when I'm depressive I don't want a bar of him. + +My husband has no idea about who I really am or what I'm really like. + +Anyone else been in a similar situation? +I live in 2 different worlds. + +And yes I am medicated. +Lamotrigine +Sertraline +Quetiapine + + +",Bipolar +49629,"The most frustrating appointment So, last year after an attempt I was diagnosed in hospital with bipolar disorder. I have been prescribed all the meds and have had continuous appointments with my GP to try and get everything settled and find a good prescription that fits what I need. + +2 months ago after having a month long manic episode, I went back to my GP in the hopes that we can really dial down into what I need. Skip forward to today and I have a phone appointment with a psych from my area (we only have like 7 in my province). After asking me approximately 10 questions he determined that I don’t have bipolar at all, but major depressive disorder and PTSD…. + +Would you go for a 3rd opinion at this point? I have had clear textbook manic episodes all throughout my life and this psych didn’t think I met the requirements to be diagnosed with bipolar, so he doesn’t believe I should be treated as such and has prescribed 200mg of Zoloft. This concerns me as I know antidepressants can lead to manic episodes. I would love your advice. ❤️",Bipolar +46303,"songs for when you’re depressed radiohead - how to disappear completely +the killers - smile like you mean it +third eye blind - jumper & the background +the all american rejects - move along +fall out boy - i’ve got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (yes that’s the title) + +what do you guys listen to?",Bipolar +46862,"Bipolar depression and MAOI’s 22 m. I had early onset bp at 15, diagnosed at 19, and I have had no luck with meds thus far and am now onto MAOI’s. My oral selegiline trial is just about up after two months. The only time a medication ever affected my mood was when a low dose of lithium brought me out of a ten month depressive episode. Unfortunately, my stability was short lived and I was launched back into a brutal episode in a week’s time. This current depressive episode has lasted well over a year now. The limited number of studies out there on bp depression, treatment resistant depression, and atypical depression treated with MAOI’s seem to have incredible results. Especially the ones using tranylcypromine. I believe that will be the next drug I go on. But I’m just looking for some personal experiences, tips, or insight. + +Right now I’m on oral selegiline, therapeutic dose of lithium, a dopamine agonist , and a low dose of quetiapine for sleep because of the stimulatory effect of the maoi. ",Bipolar +46038,"Assistance programs through drug companies? Hi all, + +I was wondering if anyone has applied for free medication through a patient assistant program by a drug company? + +I was doing really well on Vraylar until I found out that I couldn't use their coupon with my insurance anymore (I get it through my dad, he's a federal employee). Since then, nothing has worked. My copay for Vraylar is $300 and I only make $1000 a month. + +Any advice would be appreciated. ",Bipolar +46790,"[Everything Warning] I legitimately want to kill myself just to spite my father. I lived on my own for many years, and about 2-3 years ago, I was guilted into moving back home by my mother. + +Now my father wants me to GTFO because apparently I left the kitchen light on, so according to him, that means I am wasting his money on purpose. + +I'm nearly 30 years old. But I'm constantly treated like I'm 8 years old. And I'm so sick of this. + +Ever since I moved back home, I haven't been able to do anything because of the way my parents treat me. I'm just constantly anxious as all hell. And every time I hear my parents awake and walking about, I just get frozen in place because of how they treated me when I was younger (constant ABBAB--Always Be Berating And Belittling--I can't seem to focus on finding a job because of this)...and if I try to shift my schedule over so I can avoid them, I'm given constant shit about not having a ""normal schedule"". + +I legitimately want to just slit my wrists and ankles in front of them just to spite them for bringing me into this world.",Bipolar +50180,"What do you do to cope with bipolar disorder in addition to taking your meds? What coping mechanisms have you come up with to help you deal with bipolar? + +I've realized that doing the following things helps me: + +1. Minimizing my alcohol intake - even two beers can send me into a depressive episode. +2. Finding a form of movement that I enjoy doing. For me it's stretching, yoga, and dancing. +3. Human interaction. I can't always stand it, especially when I'm in a depressive episode, but I try to force myself to spend time with friends who I know will be good company. +4. Taking my meds around the same time every day.",Bipolar +50536,"I can feel a depressive episode coming I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in December after my first major manic episode that ended in hospitalization. Since then I have been taking my medication (Hydroxyzine and Abilify), up until about a month ago. I don’t like the sedated feeling medication gives me and I feel abilify takes away the flare of my personality. I have been stable up until this week and I feel a depressive episode coming, it’s a extremely unique feeling that is so recognizable to me. I am losing all motivation and joy in my life. Is there anything I can do to prepare for this and any advice on what I can do to do the least damage to my life as possible.",Bipolar +46032,"Ok. Hi, I’m new here! Edit*** + +Thanks so much for the love and support everyone! ?? I’m feeling embarrassed now that it has so many upvotes now. Ha! You’re all so appreciated, I cannot tell you how much. + +I’m new-again. I used to be a member several years ago then switched to chatting on Facebook. With the security issues there, I’ve deleted that account so I’m back! + +I’m having a weird time. + +I turn 50 tomorrow. Half of my life is gone, wasted...on being on disability, sick, unproductive, contributing zero to this world. For 50 LONG years! + +I’ve tried volunteering twice in the past year...neither ended up working out. + +I also have PMDD, so I feel I hardly get any well time for any length of time! I have no friends. I’ve either cut toxic folks out, or have been very inappropriate during times of instability, and never get forgiveness even after heartfelt apologies. + +I have two kids. One won’t talk to me anymore, though he has his own problems, my daughter does talk, through infrequently. + +So, I’m totally alone. + +My new AD is just starting to help a little. But 50 is hitting me so hard. + +I want to at least go back to school to learn a trade that doesn’t involve being surrounded by several people. But I cannot think of anything I’d like, and that I can learn somewhat easily. 27 shock treatments later, my memory is shot. So learning will be difficult, no matter. + +Sorry for the negative introduction. I wish I were in a better place. + +Thanks for reading.",Bipolar +50043,"What are your warning signs of oncoming mania? I very recently got engaged and I think I'm getting manic. Atm I'm having barely any appetite, intense anxiety, and insomnia. What are you guys' warning signs? How do I deal with this?",Bipolar +46422,"I Hate Myself for Being Psychotic I had a psychotic break six months ago and was diagnosed Bipolar I... I spent 40 consecutive days in a mental hospital and have been depressed ever since. I used to have a ton of hobbies and interests, now all I do is work and sleep. + +I still feel so much guilt and shame over what I did when I was psychotic. I became convinced my mother is evil (who's perfectly normal) and sent crazy emails/messages to SO MANY people. I ruined a couple relationships I care about. I said so many disgusting things. + +How do you forgive yourself for being psychotic? Rationally I guess it wasn't my fault but it really feels like I thought my way to this point. I'm not getting any less depressed (taking Lithium and Seroquel daily...), in fact I feel like each new day I hate myself more. Any advice?",Bipolar +50260,"Support The absolute loneliness of this illness is something no one will ever come close to understanding. It is something I will never be able to put into words. Their is nothing in this world I can fill this void in my soul with. Even in sleep it sits and waits for me to awaken so it can slowly eat away at me more and more. The older I get the worse it becomes. Medication just numbs the feeling, but it is always there, below the surface. I am so exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, how long I lay on the couch, stare at TV, no matter how many pills I take, the void eats away at me. I am just so tired. Every muscle in my body feels like I have been working out for years with no rest days. So tight like they might shatter like glass if I breathe the wrong way. My fingers bleed from picking at them. I am just so tired. I am so lonely and I know the void will swallow me whole soon.",Bipolar +45588,"Medication adjustments, I'm frustrated . 22/F, Bipolar 2. I need a rant . I'm in college. I struggled with schooling my entire life, I guess for the simple fact that things don't hold my attention or interests for long. Pair that with depression and random hypomania, anxiety and well... nothing good. I dropped out of hignschool but got my vrade 12 and now I'm trying to better myself . While I'm doing better than before due to medication, it's still a struggle. +Back in February 2017, I made the hard choice to see my doctor and have a referal put in to see a psychiatrist . Since I live in a shitty area, we have one fly in once every so often. So when I seen him, he put me on lamotragine and said that was the issue at hand to be dealt with first, then we would see what the next point of action would be (ADHD, depression, anxiety). Since I've been doing well with anxiety, he suspected ADHD would be next and seemed to think I would be able to notice after the dose was increased a few times. + Fast forward to today. I'm on 150mg of lamotragine, clonazepam as needed (when I get aggressive, panic attacks etc). I was leveled out for months at 125mgs, but had a checkup for refills back in October where my family doctor increased them because the psychiatrist wanted to see about getting me up to 300mgs. Since it was what the psychiatrist wanted, family doctor wanted to keep increasing to ""see what the differance is""... I was hesitant because I'm in school, I don't want to jeopardize anything, and this dosage I was on was tried and true as far as I was concerned. After telling him how I felt he said ""your feeling good now, maybe you could be feeling better"" so... benefit of the doubt, I did as I was told. +Yesterday I had another appointment. I went in, figuring it was the usual routine. Told him I couldn't concentrate, I was feeling distracted often and easily, and my interests were shifting pretty often so I was concerned. I asked to see the psychiatrist again to talk about ADHD since that's what was suggested before, and seems to be what I'm dealing with. I was told WE DONT HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW.... BUT would very soon and I would have a referral put in to see him/her for when we do and they visit. Awesome, right? +So now he wants to lower my dosage back to 125mgs to ""see the difference"" which is the same shit I was told when he increased it to 150mgs. I don't want to do that. I'm uncomfortable, possibly distressed about the thought of it altogether since I'm so sensitive to these things. I can't afford a hypomanic/depressive spiral right now, not while I'm in school... so I'm thinking I'll just keep my dosage until I see another psychiatrist.... FML",Bipolar +49683,"do we experience every single emotion stronger than others? i just saw something that really affected me and emotion consumed me. i immediately wanted to harm myself. + +are all our emotions stronger than others? or am i dramatic and only experience clinically strong emotions in episodes?",Bipolar +46599,"On too much medication, and scared for my future. Let's see where can I start. I'm 30 and I've been hospitalized twice in the span of a year. I don't have much work experience except working in a factory and logistics for a year. I'm heavily dependent on my mom for support. I also was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. + +Currently, I am on Seroquel 300mg, Zyprexa 20mg, trileptal 600mg, and a Long acting injectable of Invega. I'm going to try to tell the doctor I don't need three antipsychotics to functuion + +I said some really obscene things while I was hospitalized and if I had done (which I did not do thankfully) those things while in psychosis I probably would been put in jail or prison. The reason why I decompensated so bad was because I titrated too fast off of Seroquel and started to become extremely delusional. + +I'm really unsure what I can do with my life job wise. I feel like I'm 100 percent disabled on so much medication. I just want my life back and I dunno if I can take back what I was saying to the nurses and psychiatrist.. They know I was sick.. but I don't know my future is really bleak/fucked",Bipolar +46207,"Productivity and decision making when hypomanic. What helps maintain a semblance of productivity when you are hypomanic, how do you stop doing half jobs/ getting distracted? + +Also, what helps you with making day to day decisions? I sometimes spend hours doing the grocery shopping because every item I weigh up whether cost, nutrition, or other reasons are the most important. ",Bipolar +50377,"I need a support system and I'm scared of myself I'm 30F. Been diagnosed since I was 14. By SEVERAL doctors. My parents never ""agreed"" (as if there's something to agree on a medical diagnosis) so I was unmedicated for most of my life so far. This gave me a lot of time to figure when a phase was coming, what triggers it, but also a lot of time to do stuff I shouldn't, which hindered me greatly. Because of that, I only started living on my own when I was 24, and that's when I started medication. + +To help with all this I have PCOS (which triggers depression) and long periods (which trigger anemia), so when I get my period I get depressive episodes AND I am physically exhausted and depleted. Which causes me to sleep more, which causes me to go further into depression. + +My bf does his best to understand but it's all a bit beyond his grasp. My parents still don't recognize my situation, so they are of no support for me. I don't have many friends, and only one of them is actually supportive, but she has a rough life and is usually busy with lots of work or something similar. + +So, I'm on my own. I want to straighten up my sleep schedules, but I know I can only do that by decreasing the amount of sleep drastically, which will trigger a maniac episode. It's mostly mixed, not generally full blown mania, but it does get there sometimes and it's like a kinder egg, you only know what you got when you open the box. So it can either go ""let's get the house deep cleaned"" or ""let's blow up our credit card, take on 76 projects I won't complete and f*ck the neighborhood"". You never know. + +So I'm scared to get my sh!t together, basically. And I feel lonely in all this...",Bipolar +49694,"Dealing with self-loathing? I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips for coping with extreme self loathing. + +I'm medicated and in therapy, but neither of these things seem to help when the self hatred hits me hard. I guess this would be considered a depressive episode, but i don't really get manic anymore, so who really knows. + +I just hate myself so much that it makes me suicidal. I wish i was someone else entirely or that i just didn't exist. I've hated myself for most of my life. Probably since puberty and realizing i didn't look like the other girls and i was weird. I never fit in. I was always overweight and not conventionally pretty. Thru out my teen years i made so many bad choices - drop out, ex junkie then teen mom. Such an undesirable life. I can't even fathom how anyone could possibly love me. Stupid, crazy, ugly failure me. I'm 34 years old and i still feel like that little outcast kid that no one cared about. + +Can anyone relate? Did anything work for you?",Bipolar +46454,"Pauses in symptoms during hypomania Is it possible to experience a break in symptoms during hypomania? For example, I may feel very tired from the lack of sleep for a few hours during the day, feel ashamed of hypersexual symptoms, or just feel like I've snapped back to my true self/calmed down, only for this fleeting break to end and be brought back up. + +I'm new to all this, and am not yet well-versed enough on the illness or my own individual symptoms to be able to differentiate between a genuinely high mood, with the normal mood fluctuations all people experience, or being hypomanic. + +I'm using either zopiclone or ambien regularly for sleep at the moment, so I don't know if the drowsiness is perhaps just a hangover from those. I'm also starting abilify (though at a very low 2mg so far), so unsure if that's potentially causing certain symptoms I'm having as well. + +I appreciate any insight from you all.",Bipolar +49771,"Writing letters to friends is the only thing I can do to get through the day So, I'm currently in a manic episode. I think it's hypomanic, but my psychiatrist calls me manic. Anyway, usually I enjoy watching movies or reading books and exercise. But I now I've found that I don't have any concentration to do anything except writing my friends letters through mail. I get to ramble on and on and on about anything that pops into my mind and the beauty of it all is: I can edit it all out the way I like it, so all the rapid thoughts that are racing through my mind seem to come out of my coherently. I don't know what you guys can do with this information, but I just want to share it with you. Life can be really beautiful if things are going well.",Bipolar +49770,"Why are people crapping on coping mechanisms? I've heard so many people on this sub complain when a non neurodivergent tells them they should start to-do lists, or journal, or exercising. + +These are all great coping mechanisms, I understand the loneliness of being neurodivergent but shitting on routines and healthy habits isn't going to help anyone. + +I have to take medication AND journal AND do lists AND therapy AND medication AND take walks in nature AND a bunch of other stuff. Are y'all not doing that? Cause it damn sure helps",Bipolar +45648,"Does anyone else feel like there should be a childhood bi-polar diagnosis? I read a lot of posts and stories online, and I think about myself and so many of us seem to have had symptoms early in our lives. I get that doctors don't want to give a diagnosis like that at such young ages for a lot of reasons, but I feel like it would've helped me a lot. Does anyone else feel upset that they didn't get a diagnosis soon enough almost? Do you think an earlier diagnosis would've helped you manage easier or change some part of your treatment/outcome?",Bipolar +49800,"Unable to quit smoking/ Terribly nicotine dependent Hi All, +Cannot classify this post as seeking advice or rant or complain or anything. Just felt like sharing it. I don't know what it is... But I am terribly addicted to cigarettes... No amount of nothing or no degree of any consequence is helping me to quit. +It feels like/ kinda intuition that I will die smoking. +I know I have an addictive personality, but then even with all the self awareness & heightened conscious, the cognitive dissonance of smoking isn't leaving me. +They say if you play with bullets.. You die with one. +I guess my bullet is cigarette.... +Not even sure if it's got anything to do with being bipolar.... +Maybe this sub isn't even right place to type this. +I just felt like typing & sharing. +Maybe over sharing.. Just lost. God knows... +Thanks for reading till the end if anyone actually came this far. I am grateful & God bless us all...",Bipolar +49807,"Loneliness triggering depression After six months of struggling, I finally felt like I got my depression under control. However, lately my mood has been faltering due to how lonely I am. It’s a type of loneliness I’ve never felt before; it’s so bad it physically hurts. I can’t find the words to explain the intensity of it. It hurts so bad. + +I can genuinely say I have only one friend, and she lives halfway across the world. I live with my parents while I attend college. I have to take online classes so the only time I really leave my house is to go to a coffeeshop a couple days a week. I don’t have a driver’s license due to crippling anxiety (I’m working on getting it), so even if I did have friends, I wouldn’t be able to see them often. So I have no one. No one to talk to besides my parents, and that’s just mostly superficial stuff. + +I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on what I could do to stop myself from slipping into full depression.",Bipolar +47076,"Psychosis (Possible Self Harm) Hi; this is my first post to this subreddit, and to reddit in general! I am a long-time lurker. I am sorry if it's long-- + +I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in late August after a manic, then psychotic, break that ended with 5 days in the psych ward. I did some severely out-of-character and even violent things while in the ward. I have trouble looking back and thinking what I could have done differently--my husband and sponsor took me to the emergency room, and I said (out of my mind) ""I think that's part of it"" to the question ""does this have to do with harm to yourself or others."" + +Then, everything escalated: the security guards grabbed me and moved me to a holding room. I nearly passed out from the anxiety spike. My brain was making me talk to everyone and learn their names, I think, as a coping mechanism. Eventually, after a long time in a room with scary doctor people (to my scared mind) coming in and out, I was driven, handcuffed, by police to the psych place. I am told by my therapist and friends that I am very smart and that that made things a little worse for me. My brain had SO MANY false narratives going, and not only was I manic but I was in such fight or flight, I ended up in seclusion rooms twice. This, as you can imagine, made everything tons worse. I felt so isolated. I feel traumatized, still. + +I went back to work right after. My sponsor stopped talking to me completely, and I don't have a large support group, even though I have been feeling a little more connected to people day-to-day. I want to go back and change everything; I want to believe that the right thing happened; but, being completely ignorant to what I could do, I said things that led to the worst situation for me. The ward experience seemed to make everything a lot worse--the delusions, the mania, the disconnectedness, the alienation, overmedicating, etc. + +I am now pretty stable and on a mood stabilizer, hydroxyzine, and a sleep med. How do you all cope with decisions that you or your loved ones made for you that you wish went differently? How do you deal with the trauma of hospitalization? I know everyone has different, even positive, experiences. Mine was not that. It's hard not to let it eat at me and get angry. + +Thanks for listening.",Bipolar +45585,"How do you folks reach to vitamin D supplements? I've been trying high dose vitamin D supplements >5000iu on some days, and have been noticing fatigue and exercise intolerance on those days that i dose this. And relatively much calmer than usual. + +Just wondering if its a bipolar thing, and you guys notice the same?",Bipolar +49990,(vent) i cant do this much longer That’s just it. No one cares about the fact there is something wrong with me. They just see it as me being moody and an annoyance who destroys everything. I can’t go on any medication because of it - i’ve tried everything else yet nothing helps. I can’t sleep and these stupid episodes are fucking exhausting. I don’t know what to do and I highly doubt there even is anything to actually do.,Bipolar +49944,"Occupations list Hello all, + +I am battling akathesia at the moment and it’s taken me out of the workforce since November. So I am now finding myself trying to battle it AND also job hunt again. + +One thing is that I hear people who are happy or unhappy voice their concerns a lot, and I wanna jump on that train. + +Please list what you do for work AND how you got there. If you went to grad school, say that. If you had to get certified, say that. Through a mutual friend? Say that.",Bipolar +49709,Zero sex drive while hypomanic It's the only symptom I don't experience with hypomania. It's actually the opposite—I am so high strung and hyperfixated on so many things that I completely forget about sex. I am not asexual in any way but the idea is just so unappealing during my episodes. I've never seen anyone share this sentiment and am left wondering if it's really that uncommon?,Bipolar +46665,"What are you all taking to help manage your depressive states? I’ve been on lamotrigine for a few years and it’s been great until now, this month I’ve had the worst depression since my diagnosis. I’m going to the doctor in a few days and I have no idea what he might recommend switching to or adding. I’m already on lithium which seems to help the manic side of things and I’ve tried depakote - that was seriously a dream drug for my mind but my body blew up - so that’s out. + +So what is everyone else taking to boost the depression up?",Bipolar +47069,"Post mania cognitive issues I had a manic episode in December (triggered by Zoloft), and since then have been struggling with cognitive slowness. + +&#x200B; + +I used to be a math / computer science major at a top 3 US university doing well (3.9 GPA), and since the episode have been struggling cognitively. Reading, doing math, and programming are all noticeably harder than before. Worse, I find it hard to follow and contribute to conversations, and I used to be a pretty social person. + +&#x200B; + +1. Has anyone else experienced cognitive slowness, and improvements over time? +2. I also feel like my memories of my past are foggy, including childhood experiences and knowledge of subjects studied in school. Should I expect this to come back? + +&#x200B; + +I did find this study by Torres et al. 2013 ([https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/bdi.12154](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/bdi.12154)) that shows a linear improvement in cognition over a 12-month period following mania, so that is encouraging. I'd be very curious to hear from the community to get some perspectives. Thanks!",Bipolar +46757,"Doctor wants medication changes There's a long history with my psychiatric illnesses and medications but I'll jump ahead. 2 and a half years ago I got extreme PPD and was hospitalized twice. I was only on a small bit of klonopin at first but it stopped working. Everything I tried made me crazier until one doctor put me on Celexa. After initial anxiety it changed my life. Saw a regular psych who tried different things so I wouldn't get manic and I was hesitant. Had a huge drunken manic episode, was hospitalized again and prescribed Abilify 10 and it helped a lot. That was almost a year ago. + +&#x200B; + +I was doing okay, taking sleeping pills at night, stomach meds, ativan, propanolol. I needed birth control for PMDD + +Recently Psych took me off sleeping pills and ended propanolol (I get severe anxiety an panic attacks). My Birth Control made my anxiety unbearable one week every month so my med doc switched me to something else and increased my stomach meds (acid reflux/gastritis. + +I started an anti inflammatory diet being tired of this mess and was exercising doing well and happy, which my psych thought was hypomania, although I was still depressed a lot. She wanted me to drop my dosage to 10 mg while remaining on 10mg Abilify. I am terribly med sensitive and many things cause crazy reactions for a long time. That is a big cut for me. + +So basically in one month, new birth control (also sensitive), no sleep meds, less anti anxiety meds, more stomach problems and now a decrease in a med that I had no problem with. I'm two days in and already going crazy, what can I expect? + +&#x200B; + +Long story short, Lots of med changes. On Abilify 10mg, ativan twice a day, Loe Estrin Fe, and Dropping 20 mg Citalopram to 10 and feel a mess.",Bipolar +46118,"Does anyone not want to get better? I saw my psychiatrist today and she prescribed me Wellbutrin for my crippling depression. I'm currently taking 150 mgs and 200 mgs of Seroquel. I'm kind of anxious that the new med will help me, as strange as that might sound. + +I don't want to get better anymore. + +I have given up on life. I've come to accept that I'll never be happy and I don't want to be anymore, because it won't last. It's foolish to seek happiness because it just ends with more hurt and pain. All I wanted for a long time was someone to love me. I thought I found that person. We were going to get married. He left me 3 months to this day... what would have been our two year anniversary is in less than two weeks. + +I see no point in pursuing another relationship. Why go through the pain all over again? Why get my hopes up just to be crushed and thrown away like the trash I am? I'm not hung up on him. I fucking hate him, he was a horrible piece of shit and our relationship was toxic as fuck. But that was our thing. Lord knows I'm not the best person either. + +It happens. + +I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I gave up on all of my dreams. I've become extremely misanthropic and only leave the house to go to my appointments. I wish I would just commit suicide and get it over with. + +Everyone thinks I'm depressed, but I'm not. I think this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to everything I've been through, which this is just the tip of the iceberg and I'm not going to detail every horror that has made up my existence and broke me as a person. + +My fiance leaving me was just the last straw. I can't possibly endure any more suffering in my life, which is why I've cut myself off from other humans, except for my family.",Bipolar +49566,"moodiness I’m looking for some tips on how to handle moodiness. Clearly I go through swings of up and down, but on the downs it’s really hard to not feel tired and irritated by everything. People want to talk and I just want to go into a corner of the room with the lights off and just clonk out. I’m on meds which makes things SO much easier than they used to be, but I still get strong symptoms, so I’m looking for maybe something alternative I can practice on top of meds? any suggestions?",Bipolar +45846,"[Rant warning] Had fucking enough. I hate everybody and everything: Modern society, people, especially any Sanist, atheists, my parents, the world, every single redditor, memes, neighbors, SJWs, Any kind of discriminator, myself, assholes, mythbusters/fake science, medications, cycles, skeptics, people who take anything without a grain of salt, western arabian american oceanian african and asian cultures, rich people, police, politicians, communists, the army/conscription, murder, rape, the lack of cigarettes, moderators... +OH AND ALSO REDDIT ASKING ME IF I AM A HUMAN RIGHT?",Bipolar +46738,"Bipolar women who still have PMS, does it make regular PMS turn into PMDD? [PMS EXTREME] I have PCOS and Bipolar 1. My hormones have always been tied to my bipolar diagnosis/symptoms. + +&#x200B; + +Lately I'm on a much better treatment for PCOS, but my PMS symptoms are INSANE now especially if I'm put in a difficult situation. Mixed episodes are becoming more common the week before my period. + +&#x200B; + +I tried going back on a low dose SSRI to combat PMDD and I got awful side effects. My lithium level is great, it's just now that my hormones are more balanced in the right direction, my PMDD is rearing its ugly head.",Bipolar +45590,"My cat just died.... She wasn’t even a full year old yet. Around 2am tonight I realized I hadn’t seen her since the morning, so I looked for her. Finally found her under my bed. She wasn’t waking up when I called her, and when I reached out to her she was rock hard and cold. I had to pull her stiff body out to the middle of my bedroom floor and absolutely fucking lost it. She’d probably been dead since midday. Picking her up and walking her to my car, and from my car into the pet hospital sent me even more over the edge. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know what to do. Neither I nor the technicians know what happened. I don’t know what to fucking do. She was my medicine. She was my fucking cure for this stupid fucking disease and made me feel like maybe I had a purpose and she was the one thing who made me feel loved. Gave me the purest and most wholesomely full heart. I haven’t felt love like that...maybe ever. I felt a little less fucking lonely in this endless depression because I had someone who would sleep with me and be close to me and make me feel loved. And she fucking died. I can’t handle this. I have no one to hug me and no one to hold me right now because my closest friend is on a ship in the middle of the fucking ocean for who knows how much longer. + +I just. really? really. This has to be a joke. I’m fucking done. I’m so fucking over this life and feeling cold and alone and not being able to hold onto any kind of fucking love I get. + +I keep thinking that this is karma for just being a shit person inside. I hate myself. I hate this. I just want to love and feel fucking loved. and now. she died.",Bipolar +46972,"Lacking the will to...well...do anything. I literally want to do nothing. 24/7. I force myself to get out of bed, put the coffee on, dress my self, get the kids off to school, and walk my 4 miles daily. I do these things because I am supposed to. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. I wish to sleep all day every day and do nothing else. All of the things that used to be bring me joy or I felt passionate about hold no appeal. + +So now I sit and watch the world pass me by and feel sorry for myself about it. Then I feel guilt for being so pathetic. Yet none of it motivates me to get up off the couch and do anything at all. + +I was on a chemical cocktail of 4 pills (which took me about 2 years of trial and error to find) for Bipolar 1 and severe social anxiety but nothing seemed to make a dent in the suicidal ideation or crippling depression. I stopped taking everything 2 months ago. I am neither better nor worse. + +This is the longest depressive episode of my life and while I am glad no manic symptoms have presented themselves, I’m also almost hoping for them to arrive because this deep dark hole I’m in is suffocating me. + +I have a great support system, a loving boyfriend, and everything I need in life. There is no excuse for being this pathetically lazy and self loathing. I’m sick of being sick of myself. + +Mmk. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.",Bipolar +45927,Would I be happier/healthier in a warmer sunnier climate? I live in the Great Lakes area. Winters are long and cloudy. Every year it seems I’m thrown into an episode triggered by the winter season. Has anyone found relief by moving into a sunnier more livable climate? ,Bipolar +46264,"Tips on getting back info life please So ever since my bought of psychosis Im terrified of going outside. If you want to read about my phycotic break you can read it on my page. I have noise sensativity, light sensativity and derealization. Im scared to be around traffic. Are there any tips for going outside my biggest fear is that Im going go have a break outside from home. I've been in a depressive and anxious stage since August havent left the house since September 2018. I know im a loser. I still have my job im on FMLA and college is on hold for me and receiving mental help in home and my parents are taking care of my son And I. I thank the lord for all I have in the time. Is there anything advice on how to get back in to life im so embarrassed and feel like a failure. I'm a 21 y/o that sits in the house all day and cries i have ptsd from my psycotic break. Sometimes i believe the break was actually real that's how real and scary it felt. I don't want to die I want to live Im scared of suicide I just cant see this getting any better. Im like a deer in the headlights all day please help",Bipolar +49903,medication and music music used to be my outlet i loved it so much i used to show off how i could remember a whole rap after just listening to it once but since i’ve been meditated my love for it is gone and i can’t remember shit even my favorite songs i get wrong i really don’t understand. anyone else??,Bipolar +45853,"My brother is manic, how do I help Hi guys, using a throwaway. Recently my brother got into a fight with his girlfriend and I feel like he's super manic right now. He just bought a $20,000 BMW after trading in his volkswagon, bought $1,000 of gucci stuff, traded in his phone for an iPhone X, and is just acting strangely. He's being rude to my mom saying really hurtful things for no reason to her, I just want to see how I can help get him back to baseline. He planned a trip with his gf to leave to Florida (which had been planned back before he started acting like this) and my mom and I feel nervous about him going. It's not like we can force him to stay because he's 21 he's an adult but still. All of this is really stressful for everyone involved so I wanted to see how some of you have coped with this in the past or if anyone has advice for how to help him through this. Thanks",Bipolar +45880,"Geodon Questions for anyone taking Geodon: +what dose are you taking? Did you start at that dose or slowly raise? Do you take twice a day? + +I'm taking 80 now. I'm not sleeping very good and when I wake up, I'm so groggy and feel horrible! Can't go to sleep, can barely keep eyes open but also wierdly restless. + +Did anyone have similar experiences when starting? Been taking for 18 days and 3rd day on 80. Couldn't get to sleep until 4am and up at 9am. Just now barely starting to function. + +thanks!",Bipolar +50523,Does your mania/hypomania ALWAYS end with depression after? Or has there been times where it hasn't for you? Asking to be hopeful because I'm sure I'm going through mania right now and I was only out of depression for like 2 weeks before this hit. I really hope there's a chance I won't flip back there. I'm still trying to get my habits back in place that I fell out of and really can't afford to be screwed with depression for another 6+ weeks.,Bipolar +46074,"Just got diagnosed As the title says I just got diagnosed bipolar, not sure what type I am yet but it's probably type 2. +I guess I'm searching for people similar to me for some guidance, and answer to some of my questions. Even if it's just to talk and share our experiences, it would help greatly! +",Bipolar +50075,,Bipolar +45812,"Has anyone here had any experience with legally taking time off high school? Hello everyone! I'm a high school student who was a month ago diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'd been having depressive episodes for about a year, and a month and a half ago started experiencing manic episodes as well, which was the reason why I decided to see a doctor. I'm still very early in my treatment, don't yet have a psychiatrist and won't for another month or two (thanks, American health insurance) and I've been having a really hard time coping. I've always been a very high achieving student, getting straight A's every semester, and doing my best not to miss school. This year, however, has been different. Due to my Bipolar Disorder, I've now missed a month of school, have had to drop 3 classes, and I really don't know what to do at this point. My mental health takes top priority, so I am certainly not planning on sacrificing my health and safety for school. I'm feeling really hopeless and lost, and balancing school, work, and my illness just isn't possible anymore. I plan on going to college next year, but I'm afraid that my absences and now failing grades are going to affect my ability to get scholarships. I really just need to take this year off without ""dropping-out"", so I can get the help I need. I was wondering if anyone here has any advice or similar experiences. I live in New York in case that matters. Sorry for the wall of text.",Bipolar +46151,"crosspost from /advice I'm at a crossroads with career due to mental illness I'm 26 I do tier 1&2 tech support and other IT tasks at a decently sized fortune #### company. I've been diagnosed with bipolar for 6 years. Anxiety and previously depression for 15 + + +I've been having one of the worst depressed episodes in years. We're going on 5 months now. Typically when I have an episode and I'm working the either the collateral damage from the mania or stagnancy from the depression lead to me losing my job. But with this one I have short term disability insurance and FMLA so my job is protected. + + +I'm at home thinking about what I want to do with my life and if the life I lead could be contributing to the stress I feel. I went to high school for writing and was a college drop out for film. I have a passion for the arts, a talent for the science, and an interest in a lot of other fields. And surmountable debt from my previous studies. + + +Part of me knows the reasonable thing would be to go back to work, but it feels like a big ol wall is blocking me. + + +The tricky thing is that the disease makes you feel like moving and making changes and starting new projects and idk if thats what that really is. I could use some outside insight + + +I'm trying to figure out if it makes sense to go back to school and apply for disability/scholarships/ect or continue down the technology path. +",Bipolar +49809,"How to manage bipolar fatigue? The lack of motivation, the sheer amount of willpower required to do the most basic things, and the constant muscle aches/pains are really taking a toll on my work. I usually call in sick, but just wondering how others manage.",Bipolar +50203,"oxcarbazepine gums bleeding side effect? So I’ve been on oxcarbazepine for a month now and I’ve had a lot of the side effects. Fatigue, low sodium, headaches, stiff joints, etc. most have been resolved by getting more sodium in but one side effect is that my gums are super sensitive or bleeding? It started like a week ago but when I brushed my teeth on day the bottom of my canine and some molars started bleeding. I floss regularly and suddenly they were super sensitive. +Does anyone else deal with this side effect and know if it improves? This medication is working really well for me but my gums do hurt a bit right now and I really hope they improve. + +I am on 300 mg of oxcarbazepine, 150 mg of Effexor xr, and have bipolar type 2.",Bipolar +49703,How quick did your medication begin working for you? I began taking Lamotrogine 15 days ago and I've been looking for any changes I've seen in myself ever since then. I notice that I do feel a little more disciplined or maybe even stable but I'm unsure whether or not I'm just having a good week or it's the medication. My doctor said I would likely feel a difference in four weeks so I'm keeping that in mind but I just wanted to see what everyone else's experience with the medication was.,Bipolar +45847,"Bipolar Boyfriend Hi everyone, I'm new here so please go easy on me if I make a mistake. + +My boyfriend (whom I've been dating for over one year) has bipolar disorder. When we started dating he was in a hypomanic phase, luckily he got out of it in a month or so, instead of it escalating into full blown mania or another psychosis. He's had psychosis several times in his life, and it's been difficult for him sometimes. He needs to take medication daily. + + +I have some questions about certain behaviour and would like to know if this is common with people who have bipolar disorder. + + +-Being indecisive. He'll say one thing one moment and when he's with other people, they'll be able to change his mind in a minute. He'll tell me/promise me one thing one moment, but then completely abandon those promises and stop caring. + +-It's very easy to talk him into doing something, that he usually wouldn't have done on his own. I'm talking: drinking way too much and suddenly just smoking when he quit smoking for months. He also has a hard time when I ask him about this type of behaviour or when I get upset. + +-He used to be very sure about our future but ever since a couple of months ago, he's been doubting things and he hasn't been sharing his feelings with me, or telling me how he feels, even when I ask him. He's tried to break up with me two months ago, to which I said ""are you sure? Do you want to give it all up?"" (Calmly and respectfully not mad) and he ended up not breaking up with me. He's been threatening to break up with me again. + +-He often gets really tired and sleeps till late afternoon, he's been doing that for months. He lost motivation to look for a job as well. He had a job interview but he cancelled last minute, last week. He was too anxious to go. I often feel as if he's just very insecure. + +-He'll say that the reason he never responds when I'm talking to him (irl), is because he just can't think clearly and his mind is just blank. (However I think this could be because he doesn't like to be confronted when he's lied to me) + + +I've never experienced him in a depressive manic state before, and he doesn't feel anxious when he's outside, he doesn't feel as if they're spying on him and stuff. Which he definitely did when he was experiencing hypomania. He believes the craziest conspiracies when he's actually manic, so I don't know what this all means. + +It would help me if y'all could really enlighten me on this subject. I was hoping to talk to his therapist about this tomorrow, but he has been ignoring me and suddenly is hanging out with friends (he's out with one friend who's done hard drugs, right now). He says he's never done harddrugs but this friend does get him to smoke and drink too much when they're out together. + +We had fights several times last week and yesterday, but he is just refusing to make up, ignoring me and instead just seeing his friends or he'll sleep over at his parents' place. (Even though I don't live with him, so he could just stay at his own place, but he always feels the need to go to his parents, which is why I think he's insecure.) Any advice? What do I do and what do I say to him? It's been difficult for me to understand everything which is why I'm here. It's also been difficult because him changing his mind constantly is so confusing to me, I never know what he actually wants because he'll constantly tell me something else.",Bipolar +46690,"Unable to hold a job for long So I’m 30 and the longest I’ve ever held a job was for 2 and a half years. When I was younger I didn’t even know why I kept quitting my jobs but now I have a better idea. Sometimes, during periods of mania I would just randomly say “fuck it” and quit a job. Then during depressive periods I would get suicidal and lose all motivation and drive and then I would quit a job. Then during other times I would quit my job in a fit of blind rage. I don’t do well working with the public for long and I almost inevitably have a confrontation at some point. + +The point is whether it was from impulsive mania, suicidal depression or simply blind rage I have never been able to hold down a job for long. I have never once given a two weeks notice. Every single time I’ve just walked out or just never came back. This has happened at nearly 15 jobs by now + +I’m not proud of any of this, in fact I find it quite painful. My reckless actions have really damaged my life.",Bipolar +50331,"back on the med-go-round maybe? I recently did intake with a 'medication management clinic' because I wanted to renew the prescriptions my now-retired psychiatrist gave me, but they informed me that two of the meds, Ambien and Ativan, they don't prescribe at all, and Wellbutrin is not something they would let me take without an antipsychotic. Because I already have some samples from my old doctor I've been told to start Vraylar. After looking it up I am very hesitant to take it. I have a number of other medical and emotional issues having to do with weight gain and suicidal thoughts among other things, and what I read has me worried. I just wanted a little help me out of the downturn rut I'm in and ease my anxiety and hypervigilance. I have my swings but haven't been hospitalized in 8 years, basically since I stopped taking mood stabilizers (I tried a bunch of different ones in the last 15 years). This a clinic, not a personal relationship like with all the p-docs before, and I don't think the lengthy computerized questionnaire is set up to flag the nuances of my requirements, like weight neutral or not mind numbing. I just want to comfortably exist in the world, able to think clearly enough to get things done and without the paranoia edge that I live with now, but if muscle jerks, increased hospitalizations and diabetes are the price I have to pay maybe life as a hermetic loner is something I have to just accept.",Bipolar +45973,Jury Duty? I was summoned for jury duty on Monday. Should I tell them of my illness?,Bipolar +45518,"[Rant] I KNEW IT! My medication is poisoning me! I originally posted this over in the /r/CasualConversation Weekly Chat Thread but upon reflection, realized it would be much better suited to this sub as it's pretty specific towards my disorder and I feel I'd get better advice here from people who are knowledgable of what I've been dealing with. + +From my original post: + +>It'll be 8 years this summer since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and got put on a treatment consisting of Depakote/Epilum (sodium valporate) for rapid cycling moods and mania. Over the years, I've constantly inquired about what sort of side effects I would experience on this drug and every single time, my doctors have been frustratingly vague and flippant, never sitting down and going through the effects in a thorough and detailed manner. + +>As a result, I've had to do my own research and recently, I uncovered several side effects that NO ONE told me about: + +>According to what I've read in numerous articles and medical journals, prolonged/long term usage of sodium valporate can apparently CAUSE depressive episodes and according to the many medical journals I've perused, it is not as effective against treating depressive bipolar episodes in the long run. Considering that I've been dealing with crippling bouts of depression over the last 7 years, this makes sense but no-one told me. NO ONE TOLD ME. + +>It can cause pancreatic damage and liver problems on it's own. My pyschiatric doctor (the one who typically prescribes me this shit on a 3 monthly basis) has been constantly drilling it into me that all the times I've gotten elevated liver enzyme readings from my 6-8 weekly blood tests has been because I drank alcohol whilst taking this fucking medication. Not once has she ever stopped to inform me that this stuff causes liver problems all by itself regardless of whether you drink or not, let alone any mention of trouble involving the pancreas, which is typically characterized by intense cramping/pain in the abdomen due to organ damage and inflammation of the pancreas. This makes SO MUCH SENSE considering that all these years I've had near-daily cramping and aches in my abdomen that I always previously thought was due to IBS or my IUD being a dick. + +>Apparently, it can increase the likelihood of polycystic ovary syndrome and something called hyperandrogenism which I have never heard of before now but is a condition to do with having too many androgens or male hormones/testosterone in the body along with uterine fibroids which also explains the agonizing cramps I often get regardless of what time of the month it is. Also, I was at child-bearing age (22) when they first started me on sodium valporate and whilst I have no desire to ever procreate, the fact of the matter is that all these conditions lead to infertility so I feel incredibly deceived by the doctors who put me on this shit because again, NO-ONE TOLD ME ANY OF THIS. + +>I am absolutely steaming and yet I just know that if/when I raise these issues with my current psych doctor, she will no doubt laugh off my concerns like she always fucking does and dismiss my worries as trivial. + +>I know it's dangerous to quit cold turkey but I honestly feel so betrayed right now considering all that I've learned. I ended up writing a strongly worded but teeth-grittingly ""polite"" letter outlining all these concerns so I can slap her in the face with it- not literally but y'know- and get my voice heard. + +>I want to change my doctor and try to get one who will help me find an alternative course of treatment but giving that all this happened on public healthcare (which is often laughably crap at times here), it wouldn't surprise me if it ends up being a long drawn out process. + +>Urgh. I'm so angry I could spit fire!",Bipolar +49839,"I’m loosing it again I’m in the middle of changing my meds once again, and my anger keeps getting the best of me. I feel like I don’t have any control over my behavior. Abilify was working but I switch to another med because I was gaining weight and my dad kept calling me fat. (m26) btw. So I switched to oxcarbazepine, That didn’t work at all so now I’m back on Abilify. I feel like I just can’t win. I have a fairly privileged life so complaining just feels wrong, but I really need to vent. I just hate myself for hating myself (if that makes any sense). I feel like I’m treating the people around me like shit witch makes me feel worse. I don’t mean to, my terrible thoughts just slip out. Every thing just kind of hurts. I’m tired.",Bipolar +45732,"How do I take the next step to understanding myself? I'm using this account as it's kinda my throw away/ deep confession account. I'm going through some shit right now which is kinda relate to this, but for a while now I've been trying to understand if my 'normal' is really normal or if there's something I need to get checked out by a professional. + +For as long as I can remember I've struggled to control my emotions in the context of what's around me, and most of the time I've been acting accordingly. If I'm at a party and I'm supposed to be having a good time, I might still be super upset about the fact that my favorite TV show has ended and what's going to fill that void. I attended my brothers funeral, carried the coffin even, and I wasn't that upset but people are watching so I tried my hardest to cry and look authentic. Later on of course I was distraught, but my emotions were always out of sync with reality. + +My mood guides everything I do. I'm of pretty normal intelligence I think, I went to school, am told that I'm pretty logical in my thinking, but I just can't seem to do the most basic things. I'll sometime go a couple of weeks without a shower (not proud to admit that) because when the opportunity presents itself to shower I'll be engrossed in something so deeply that the thought just gets shrugged of until next time, upon which is just repeated again. Sometimes that things I'm doing is just sitting down staring into space thinking, but it feels like important work. Other times I can't stand my own skin and shower three times a day. There's no normal middle ground! + +My mood can often change at the drop of a hat too. I immerse myself in work and over extend what I can handle because it keeps my brain from being Moody or reacting to stuff around me, but someone will make a benign comment like they're going on holiday and if I get an envious thought in my head it just multiplies into this intense deep deep depression where I sneak out of work and drive somewhere (I'm trusted to manage my own time) to be alone and sink further and further. The scary thing is I sometimes embrace this mood, it's like I need it and it feels comfortable to be sitting in a car crying by myself. I'll carry this mood with me all day usually, acting normally in front of the family when I get home, and making an excuse to go to bed early because I know that also is the best chance I get to reset. It's not working tonight though as it's 2am, and I've taken two tramadol to help sleep. + +Other times I'm invincible. Right now despite a few big troughs in the last few days where I've been super depressed, I'm super super confident. For the first time in my career I've pushed myself and created a new role that is bigger than I ever thought I would get. It's a 'big' job, a Director role with a lot of responsibility, I'm so proud of myself I take on all these extra responsibilities and I'm totally overloading myself because I know I'm amazing. But I can't tell my family how happy I am because the mania I experience through the day rarely carried through to home. And if I'm not in the mood to be excited then I don't talk about it and my day was 'fine'. + +I've done reading, enough to probably have the wrong idea about what I'm like. I fell like I have some level of bipolar but I don't want to go to my doctor and tell him that in case he just says that I'm normal and this is life pal, get used to it. I've never talked to anyone about this other than one close friend who is bipolar and we have similar thoughts. + +The logical side in me says go to the doctor and explain myself, but I fear that the Dr won't be able to keep up with me when I talk. If I'm up then I can't get my words out quickly enough and just babble. If I'm down I'll think about every word and choose them so carefully I'll filter out crucial information because I don't want the Dr to think badly of me. + +I want to be told that someone else is liked me, I want to hear that medication is there to help me, I want to stop being up and down all the time so I can focus on sitting out the other problems in my life like normal people do. I really just wanted to write all of this down, so I'm sure the post will get buried. ",Bipolar +49631,"Job hunting I've been to a couple of interviews and I think the interviewers just see into my soul. I want to have a job, but I can't find one. I'm too eccentric and probably I don't even care if I work or not. I feel like they see it whenever we make eye contact. They see that I would be a bad employee. + +I don't care about anything at all at this point.",Bipolar +50513,"I dont know what happened to me + +Hi, currently I am not diagnosed, I hope it does not bother anyone, but bipolar type 2 is being suspected by my psychiatrist. And I had some doubts (I'm not asking for diagnosis) because lately I have been going through dark days, but today something extremely strange happened to me that I do not know how to name or explain to my psychiatrist. If anyone has felt this way, I would appreciate it if you could tell me about your experience please. + +I was talking with a friend about my emotions, and I remember that from one moment to the next I got caught up in a specific thought (like a delusion). And then it was like I had emotionally exploded, I felt out of myself, I started sobbing very loudly, my breathing was heavy, I couldn't control or stop myself. But it wasn't like the moment or the conversation led me to it because of the intensity, it just happened. I was hugging myself, I couldn't stand him touching me. I felt like I was getting small. I really have no idea how to explain it, but what was most impressive to me was how spontaneous it was and that feeling of not being in control of my own body. After that i felt numb and confused.",Bipolar +45483,"An Unquiet Mind “There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”",Bipolar +50292,"Bipolar disorder and adhd Hello does anyone have bipolar disorder and adhd ? +I’ve been taking adhd for the past decade . My therapist wanted me to get an evaluation since it had been a while . Turns out I have adhd , severe anxiety and bipolar disorder . +I take adderall and it helps me function never had issues with it . So I’m wondering if I should get another opinion ? Or is it normal to have adhd ( in my case it’s severe ) and bipolar disorder. +Just a little concerned since I have to find a new psychiatrist now.",Bipolar +49724,"bipolar and adhd, have you found successful treatment and what is it like? I've been diagnosed adhd for years, and refused treatment. 15 years later and I need treatment for depression and mania. And it feels like my adhd is no longer able to be managed. + +I just wanna know, will treatment help with the procrastination and feeling overwhelmed by everything? Will I be better than what I was before? + +If you need dual treatment, what changes did you and those around you notice?",Bipolar +46875,"How do you deal with a downswing that has a clear cause? I've been swinging down pretty hard the past few weeks - And I know exactly why. My car died, and I was forced to buy a new one - Just after moving and furnishing a new apartment from scratch. My bank accounts are overdrawn, I don't have much food, I'm just barely scraping together money for gas and prescriptions. I'm dealing the the finality of the absolute end of a relationship. + +&#x200B; + +IT'S GOING TO GET BETTER. I can see, on the calendar, looking at my bills and my paychecks, when things will start to get easier financially. I'm not going to hurt myself, and I'm not suicidal. I feel like a med change isn't really the solution, because the meds I'm taking have kept me stable for years, and even if they change, my situation is still going to be shit. + +&#x200B; + +I'm taking my meds and seeing my therapist, but my therapist can only fit me in every other week (not that I could afford more copays right now anyway...) I'm working full time, and doing well at work, but that's literally ALL I'm doing. Being on time for work, being on the ball, and doing my job well is so exhausting that I literally cannot muster anything else. + +&#x200B; + +I'm sleeping 12-13 hours a night. I'm not showering. I'm not eating. + +&#x200B; + +Does any one have any practical, everyday advice? How do you keep motivated to push forward when it's going to get better but you just have to GET THERE?",Bipolar +49553,"Anybody have prosopagnosia/facial blindness? Wondering if there’s a link between that and bipolar. If you’re not sure what I mean, it’s when you have a hard time remembering what someone looks like/recognizing people. Like if I see a friend in public I’m never sure if it’s actually them or if you ask me to describe someone’s features I’d have no idea. Actually a good example is after yoga class I won’t be able to recognize which person is the teacher after everyone has left the studio— so I try to memorize the teacher’s tattoos or outfit color so I know who to thank after class. Anybody else experience this??",Bipolar +49478,"Childhood Emotional Abuse? I just read that bipolar disorder is linked to childhood emotional abuse. I was also reading about how narcissistic abuse, specifically, causes brain damage. Sadly, I think this is probably how I developed this disorder. Has anyone else experienced something similar?",Bipolar +50221,"do you get triggered easily? sometimes the smallest things set me off, a change in tone, the smallest little hurtful thing makes me feel absolutely crazy. triggered a depressive ep or destructive ep, and it's getting progressively harder to manage. +anyone else?",Bipolar +46240,Anxiety has been through the roof I just called my pdoc and left a voicemail. Everything is piling up. I cannot handle the anxiety. It leads to severe depression. I am trying chamomile tea (and lamictal and gabapentin and Prozac and propranolol). None of the meds are working. I’m flipping out internally ,Bipolar +46021,"Alcohol and depakote? How bad is it really? I can search all the internets, but I would rather ask y'all? Does anyone have experience? ",Bipolar +50415,"Insecure in relationship - TW: suicide I had a serious suicide attempt a few days ago where my bf had to call an ambulance and I was in the ICU for a couple of days. My bf had already been through one (minor) attempt with me 6 months ago. He was really upset this time and told me that if I have another attempt he won’t be sticking around, it has to stop, it’s too much for him. He also said I can’t self harm anymore or the relationship will be done. We’ve talked about getting engaged before, and he says he will need to see me 100% clean for a while before considering marriage now as he doesn’t want to have to get a divorce if I relapse—he is full on serious about this ultimatum. + +I’ve never felt insecure in our relationship until now. I feel threatened, I can’t guarantee that I won’t have another attempt or self harm relapse for the rest of my life. He is the sweetest, most supportive, loving and caring bf I have ever had and I want spend the rest of my life with him, but now I feel like it’s inevitable that I will lose him. I feel heartbroken already. I’m scared of losing my person. + +Any advice or words of comfort are welcome. I just needed to get this off my chest.",Bipolar +50418,"Spiraling My best friend and emotional support companion, Lucky the cat, passed away on Tuesday of an undiagnosed brain tumor. I’ve been struggling with a major depression episode for a bit but this is so much more than I know how to take. I’m meeting with my therapist on Monday, but it hurts, and I miss my fur baby so much…",Bipolar +46260,Suicide hotline doesn't answer. I've exhausted all my options. Now what? I'm I just supposed to die at this point. I can't think of anything else to do. ,Bipolar +46534,"Popped my spontaneous ""I quit my job"" cherry They say we can't hold down jobs. It makes me feel like shit. This job was horrible and not even worth being paid to do. Still I wish I could've given a full 2 weeks, but they didn't know what I was struggling with. I was about to lose it. There were so many major factors that were cracking before hitting my bipolar d/x, but I was too scared of how I'd react one second longer. So I've officially joined **that** club. + +What do I do now guys? I can't really afford therapy. I'm not mentally ready to get a new job quite yet. What would be the best types of jobs for us? who has had the best experience health-wise and where at? I live in a major city, but the bustle of it is pretty triggering as well. I just am defeated that my life is this way at this point in time. ",Bipolar +45723,"Double post First how's your relationship with your parents growing up? +My dad was always angry at me for not being who he wanted and not following HIS dreams and plans he had for me (he wanted me to go to trade school and become and automotive mechanic with a focus on diesel engines, I wanted a military career). +My mom was always focused on my little brother and step dad. Sisters are way older than me so they already had their lives when I was barely a teen. +Tldr; I raised my self. + +I'm so depressed and having panic attacks. I have no insurance. My income was less than expected so I don't qualify for subsidies. Medical won't accept me since I'm above the poverty line. +Psychiatrist gave me a discount and only charged 150 for a 15 minute consultation. +",Bipolar +46127,"My boss made a joke about bipolar disorder (rant) I haven't and won't be disclosing my diagnosis at work. Yesterday my boss was talking about someone outside of our company and how volatile that person's demeanor is and how he ""must be bipolar or something."" + +Just a bummer... I always feel like bipolar is a deep dark secret that no one can find out. I work in a professional field where intelligence and ability to work under pressure are critical. Perceived instability would almost certainly prevent me from advancing. It's stressful to always be pretending not to be struggling. I know a lot of others are in the same boat. + +I would love to say I don't need this job or I could go somewhere else, but the stigma is real and I'm almost positive this would be an issue anywhere...",Bipolar +46991,"For those that have taken Lamictal, at what dosage did you start to feel relief of depressive symptoms? I'm transitioning from lithium+wellbutrin therapy to hopefully just standalone lamotrigine. The wellbutrin seemed to lose it's effectiveness after taking it for a few years and the lithium wasn't enough to prevent depressive symptoms. I'm starting to feel better regardless of medications, and have been taking 25mg lamotrigine for a week now. It's unfortunate it takes so long to get up to a therapeutic dose on this medication, but I know it's worth it to be patient. + +I'm just curious when I'll be able to expect the lamotrigine to start affecting my mood vs therapy, diet, exercise, time outside, and all the other things I'm doing to get better.",Bipolar +50030,"TW depersonalization? Feeling like the world isn’t real I’m not sure what this is, and my searches for depersonalization and derealization don’t explain what I’m feeling. + +It’s as if the world isn’t real, like it’s a big simulation. I notice behavioral patterns in people around me that are predictable and consistent and then they do things that are out of pattern and can’t explain to me why they do it. I feel like it’s a glitch. I explain myself to people, how I feel about things, and they seem to understand and then completely disregard or even forget the conversation and go back on what they agreed to with no cares. I’ve realized they’re just moving in their own worlds and can’t really be interacted with in any significant way, like talking to an NPC in a video game. You get the same three responses. + +It feels like I am not real. None of this is. It’s just like a game or an experiment to interact with others at this point. Like I’m the only real human and this is world is all in my head. + +I feel numb and detached from others, like I’m watching them on a tv show. Characters. I had a conversation last night and someone was emotional about telling me how much they care about me as a friend and I was just.. observing and thinking it’s interesting, like reading a book or seeing a dramatic movie and I was playing along. I feel we are all just playing roles. And when I step outside of the roles, it upsets others, even when it means I’m just asking to have my needs met. Normally kind people will do the most apathetic things and then be confused if you ask them why they did that. Like they genuinely don’t know. + +TLDR I feel like none of this is real. Myself or others and we are all in a big simulation. I don’t feel like a real person.",Bipolar +49650,"Too depressed to go to work… Taking a day off work for the second week in a row. I am not over on sick days or anything but I still feel like my manager is going to start asking questions. + +White collar field. I think my depression stems from the fact I got passed up for a promotion I was promised last week. Have lost all motivation to work for this firm. + +I can feel myself slipping into a depressive episode. Sigh. I hate navigating the professional world.",Bipolar +50062,"something weird with my sleep So for the last few months every night while i'm falling asleep like hypnagogic state, i feel pain go through my whole body it hurts so bad but it almost feels fake because if i sit up and wake myself up it goes away and i feel sensation round my neck like tingly like someones hands around it and i hear voices in my head laughing and saying weird things that don't make sense and then like a couple minutes after being asleep i jump up screaming and run to my door and then i go lay back down fall asleep and it repeats a few times then i finally sleep, does this mean anything and how can i stop it?",Bipolar +45938,Do you ever walk around your home for hours doing nothing? I do this often and then it’s like I snap out of it and realize hours have gone by. ,Bipolar +50359,"Bf won’t have sex if I’m in mania Edit: Should have put MIXED in title. During mania - we need sex to straighten out sometimes. + +I’m on the end swing out of a mixed which has lasted about ten days. I wasn’t in psychosis or anything extreme. I’m not off my meds so it wasn’t super dramatic or anything. Worst thing I did was throw a cheeseburger into the sink when I got some bad news about my dog. + +So, we had sex last night and afterwards when we were cuddling in bed he kissed me and said “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you.” + +We chatted a bit more and he said he’s been dodging my sexual advances because I wasn’t feeling like myself and he felt wrong about pursuing anything sexual when I wasn’t my exact self. + +I hadn’t really put it together. I don’t think I’ve ever been so respected in my life. How does everyone else’s SO handle sex in mania or mixed?",Bipolar +50297,"My partner won’t stop judging what I eat. I struggle with eating. I don’t feel hungry until my head is pounding and I’m super irritable. + +This morning I didn’t have the energy to really cook myself anything but I knew I needed to eat to take my meds. With this in mind I made some noodles and boiled an egg in the water just to get something in my system. + +My partner asked what I had eaten and I told him. He proceeded to tel me all about how I could get diabetes or become obese if I don’t make better food choices and I need to make more nutritious meals for myself. + +Which I understand and I know he’s coming from a good place with good intentions. But I also did not ask for his opinion and was just trying to put something in my system so I could take my meds today. + +It really hurt for him to say those things to me as if I am not trying my best to do the right things within my capacity for the day.",Bipolar +45762,"Newly Diagnosed and Drugged Hi there, I was recently diagnosed with BP II. This is all very new to me. All my life my doctors bounced me around treatments for anxiety, ADHD, and depression without any real results. The worst of these was a doc in college who insisted I needed to take high-dose Adderall which turned me into a 95 pound skeleton of a crackhead. Depression meds made me a zombie. + +My psychiatrist now is (sort of) working in conjunction with my therapist. I say sort of because after therapist sent me to psych for treatment for ""mood disorder"", he prescribed for ADHD. I wasn't really surprised, but had tried to explain to him in office that I was a hot mess because I was travelling across the country the next day, and that I was nervous because it was my first time meeting him. Of course I couldn't concentrate and was fidgety and talking fast. :\ + +Anyway, those meds made me feel awful, so after taking them for a month, I stopped. Yesterday he prescribed Lamictal, and today is my first day taking it. What can I expect? how has it helped any of you? Were the side effects bad? I am also taking Trazodone, given to me by my primary doc for sleep issues. Psych upped the dose of Trazodone to 100 mg and gave me a starter dose of 25 mg Lamictal, to be increased over the next few weeks.",Bipolar +46745,"Hanging isn’t painful like they think; anyone hung themselves remember the experience? All I remember is the act of it and being resuscitated. The just before and as I started to regain consciousness and came to the realisation I wasn’t dead... they were shouting my name but I didn’t quite hear them at first. Honestly thought I was entering the afterlife for a short while. Anyone else have a different experience surviving this type of suicide attempt? + +I also have decided it might be time to try again. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes but I also this time want it to look like it wasn’t intentional. If I died in a tragic accident the people who think they love me could accept that more than if I died intentionally. ",Bipolar +50464,Good news! I just got home from an appointment with my psychiatrist and she’s told me that I’ve been improving 😍 She reduced my 3 meds to just Quetiapine and I’m really happy today 🧡,Bipolar +46649,"Is anyone else’s mania a nightmare? Just got diagnosed yesterday, and I’m struggling a bit with mania. For me, mania feels like I have so much energy that my body is going to explode. My thoughts are constantly racing, I’m full of rage, and I try to do everything but accomplish nothing. I can’t stop talking or obsessing and the anxiety is out of this world. + +Mania has never been fun or exciting for me. I don’t spend money or party or have a lot of sex. I don’t feel like a god or that I’m on top of the world. It feels like I’m in a tornado and have no control over my life. Does anyone else feel this way?",Bipolar +50076,"Suddenly really confrontational? So I have yet to meet with my psychiatrist to confirm my diagnosis but it's looking quite likely that I'm living with bipolar II. + +Over the past few months I've experienced my first full-blown manic episode, with all the characteristic symptoms. + +Now I'm back in a really bad depressive state. Nevertheless, I've really been treated like shit over the past few months by some people who were once friends. In the past, I'd have been very meek and mild and probably would have let such behaviour slide. But over the past month or so, I've been very confrontational about the way I've been mistreated. + +I also went to the annual general meeting of a society I used to be president of, and called them out for their causal homophobia, misogyny, racism etc. + +These are things I wouldn't have considered doing in the past - I'd have been far too anxious and frankly conflict avoidant. Now that fear has gone and I see willing to embrace confrontation when I've been wronged. + +Is this just a sign of personal growth or have others experienced a surge in confrontational behaviours as well? + +Thanks guys and love to you all",Bipolar +46884,"Manic Depression vs Bipolar I see a lot of discussion on this subreddit about the method in which you choose to explain to people how you “have bipolar disorder” or “are bipolar.” Recently, I’ve noticed that within the context of suicide and famous artists (Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Anthony Bourdain, etc), these individuals are often deemed as suffering from “manic depression.” Manic depression, from my understanding, is the former terminology used to describe bipolar disorder. I’m curious to know if anyone else out there prefers this terminology? If so, why? + +Anyway... thoughts? ",Bipolar +50025,"starting abilify, plus some venting I've been on wellbutrin for around 5 years, lamictal for three, and now am adding abilify. Wellbutrin stopped by zoloft-induced dissociative fugues, and Lamictal changed my life, tbh. I started taking it at around the same time as the first COVID lock downs, and the medication plus the chance to recognize (and indulge) my agoraphobia was huge. I used to have panic attacks and dissociative episodes every single time I tried going to grocery stores, restaurants, malls, or anywhere else crowded and overstimulating, and that's much less of an issue now. + +Three years later everything is still better, but I have a really hard time with task initiation/completion and do still have hypomanic episodes, scary intrusive thoughts, and constant suicidal ideation (that sometimes gets a little too active for comfort). I kinda thought I was doing fine, since it really is noticeably better than before, but during a recent appointment with my psychiatrist I was mentioning this and he asked if it was affecting my ability to work. I said no, but then almost immediately remembered how frequently I spend an entire day staring at my screen unable to think clearly enough to write, only to have anxiety attacks at the end of the day because I feel ‐ correctly - like I got nothing done and am bad at my job. (Logically, I know that I'm actually really good at my job, but ykwim). Then I end up working late and it compounds with everything else and I end up exhausted and can barely help with housework and things, and that then makes me feel like a terrible partner. (On the flipside, I think about how much better I feel now, and wonder how tf my partner stayed with me through all that - it'll be 8 years in a few months.) + +At this point, I'm already on 400mg of lamictal and 300mg of wellbutrin, so rather than increase the dose past the point of clinical evidence, my psychiatrist suggested trying abilify. It feels kind of rough to add another pill to the handful, since I'm also on other meds for other health issues, but I just really hope it works. I care a lot about my job and what I do and I really want to be able to be more helpful around the house, so I'm trying to be optimistic. Have any of y'all tried that mix? What was your experience? (thank you for reading through all this)",Bipolar +45851,"Getting a psychiatrist referral in Australia Hey guys, + +I'm on the annoying wait for a psychiatrist appointment and it's only an analysis with not guarantee she will take me as a patient. + +The positive to it is that she comes highly recommended from a GP who previously worked with her at a mental health facility, and the three months might go quickly and of course the chances are she will take me on. + +However, I am still considering looking for a faster route if possible. + +In regards to private health insurance, I have top Bupa cover but know its limitation for these services.",Bipolar +50081,"Bipolar Struggle I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was 18 I spent over a year in and out of hospital until they came to the conclusion of Bipolar Disorder II. My mood swings are rapid and hard to control I’m currently on + +- sodium valproate +- lamotrogine +- catapres +- Lamitan + +I’ve read a book to understand my diagnosis better but I still struggle every day. I’ve lost 3 jobs in the past 12 months due to mood swings into an irritable mood causing me to just leave when I’m feeling overwhelmed or on the other hand getting really depressed and breaking down at work. Feels like bipolar is taking over my life. I can’t find a psychologist that I can work with. My psychiatrist just keeps tweaking my dose. Medication isn’t gonna be the fix to all my problems I’m still always gonna have rapid mood swings. Anyone able to help me with any coping strategies or how they keep up with their mood swings?",Bipolar +46130,"Discombobulated And I can't figure out which one of my issues is causing this? PTSD? PCOS? Lyme? All of the above? + +Lamictal is making me super itchy to the point where I feel like I have to inspect for bugs! I haven't seen any...no one who's visited has seen any. I've asked. It's just me and my brain and we're not doing so well right now. + +But that's not what I wanted to start out with... + +My head feels heavy. My brain feels like it's clogged and I've been less social lately. I can't concentrate. Too many thoughts are going around and seconds later I forget what I was just trying to remember, dammit. + +I am an onion. I hate spring. Make it go away.",Bipolar +50275,"mania aftermath This week I recently got out of a manic episode that was probably going on for about a month or so. I was absent from school skipping almost all of my uni classes, not studying, got into 3 car accidents and got a speeding ticket 40 over limit in a school zone. No sleep, paranoid etc etc. + +Anyways now I've been trying to pick up the pieces especially with my grades in Uni. Bipolar disorder has forced me to drop out a few times before but I really want to complete my degree. + +Doctor put me on lamictal which jolted me out of mania. Anyways, the good news is today I talked to my professor and he was actually super understanding because his wife is also Bipolar. I hope my other professors as as understanding and will help me recover my grade.",Bipolar +49688,,Bipolar +49693,"What's your go-to comfort show when you're down and what's your show for when you're up? Any particular reason? I'll start: +1. When I'm down: M*A*S*H* (the nostalgia and predictability, classic style characters are comforting for me) +2. When I'm up: The Simpsons (I'm really familiar and can keep it on in the background while doing something else or leave and come back without issue).",Bipolar +46129,"Sigh I have a pretty good life. I'm married to my amazing husband, I have a wonderful daughter and I've been at my job for a long time (over 15 years). So why is it that I am always looking for something bad to happen? I feel I don't deserve the good I have so when is the bad going to happen? Is this a symptom of my bipolar? It seems to be the one symptom my meds cannot control. Every day I worry my husband will wake up and see I'm not as wonderful as he says he is, or my daughter will just hate me, or my boss will fire me or even my pets won't want anything to do with me. Why can't I just accept all I have and not look for things that are, or make things, wrong? When I get like this I start fights so that I can say ""see bad things are happening"". How lame is that?? Is this normal? Lots of things make me happy but the happiness is always replaced with fears of something going wrong and this makes me feel so guilty. I'm not looking for happiness. I have it. I'm looking for something to be wrong so things feel normal inside my head. <Sigh>",Bipolar +46717,"I quit smoking weed and my life has gotten way better I was diagnosed bipolar 2 about a year and a half ago, but I havn’t had the opportunity to go on meds yet because I’ve been moving around a lot, lost my insurance, bullshit like that. I started smoking weed for the first time during a manic episode about 6 months ago and smoked nightly no matter what my mood state was. If I was manic I would smoke all day everyday to feel less “up”, and if I was depressed or baseline I smoked to wind down at night or to distract myself from being depressed. I swore by weed and told all my friends it was actually making me more stable, but I see now that I was just numbing my symptoms. + +I was in a manic episode for the last month of these 6 months, this recent February. Every night during this month the smoking started giving me 3 hour panic attacks. It started slowly, maybe the first week I would just get paranoid about stuff like cops, and then I started hearing voices ontop of the paranoia, and then I slowly became convinced that I secretly had some medical issues that could kill me every second, and then finally the last week or two I would smoke and just become completely convinced I would die in my sleep. This even happened at a party, I didn’t even smoke that much but began hearing voices and had to leave the party early. It was humiliating. And being convinced you’re going to die is very traumatizing, especially when it happens night after night. I would be laying in my bed shaking, too high to even cry, and praying to god to forgive me for my sins since I was going to die that night, all while listening to classical music to try and calm down and hearing voices speak over the music. Finally I just said, why the fuck am I paying for weed, paying to have these panic attacks? So I threw it all away. + +This was about a week ago, and I’ve been a week sober for the first time in 6 months. I can already notice myself returning back to normal. I hadn’t realized how much weed was affecting my brain even when I wasn’t high. I have wayyy less anxiety, whereas when I was smoking I was wondering why I was suddenly developing anxiety. I wake up feeling refreshed and not still high from the night before. I don’t think every little ache and pain in my body is secretly cancer or something that’s going to make me magically drop dead. I’m not paranoid about cops busting in and arresting me for no reason. I was derealized for a long time and nothing felt real, and now everything feels real again. I hadn’t realized how fucked up weed was making me. + +I guess I wanted to post this because I’ve seen people on here say the same things I used to swear by, that weed is ok to self medicate with and that it actually reduces your symptoms. If you start getting paranoid when you smoke, you need to stop before it becomes psychotic panic attacks like i was having. I finally feel like I’m returning back to my normal self. I’m not even sad about having to quit like I imagine doing I’d be. I have literally no desire to smoke anymore, I’d do anything if it means I didn’t have to suffer another 3 hour panic attack of hearing voices and saying farewell to the world as I fall asleep and prepare to die. + +So yah, use weed if you want. But be aware that it gets bad very quickly, and likely is affecting you when you’re not high and you don’t even realize it. Take a week off and see what happens. ",Bipolar +46953,"Drowning in debt After being on the wrong meds for almost two years I came to my senses when abilify was added to the mix. Lo and behold I had racked up a hefty amount of credit card debt. Apparently I was living off the cards while paying the Bill's with my meager disability check. So I've been to a lawyer who stated that because I have nothing and make so little I am judgement proof, can be sued but to no avail. I feel like crap about this, but what are cc companies doing giving $6000 and $4000 lines of credit to someone who only makes $10,000 a year? What are your stories and thoughts on this?",Bipolar +49587,"Missing my old dreams. This is a bit of a rant but had to get it out. So I always dreamed of being a professional musician as I got older as like a full time thing. I played instruments since I was in grade 4, I was a very talented musician( not saying that in a pretenious way). Music was my life, I was part of jazz music programs inside and out of school , wind orchestras, scored perfectly on all my NYSSMA performances ( New York State Music Association) even skipped a few levels because I was advanced. And part of All County band programs(a hand selection of students to be part of a large bad group that would perform in front of 100's of people). I then moved on to get a scholarship to a music college, I however decided to join the army instead and became a profession musician for them for 8 years, performing for presidential speeches, Veterans day and St.Patrick day parades in NYC, played half time shows at NFL games etc. I used to love just sitting at a piano and letting the music flow through me, sure I wasn't the best in the world, but the raw emotion I put into my music was just a feeling I can't even explain, now it's been over 4 years since I've touched sn instrument and I just feel so empty about it. My living situation makes it difficult to practice playing and I just miss it so much. I just want to make music again and my depression is holding me back and I hate it.... I'm so sorry for rambling I just had to get it out, best of wishes to all of you",Bipolar +50189,I'm disabled and bipolar I'm not getting the help I need but I don't really have anyone to reach out to. My siblings are happy healthy people who I'd rather not bother. My father is an alcoholic who can't take care of me anymore. I often think maybe it's time to throw in the towel. I can't even get my meds without help so is it even worth continuing? All these emotions and a body that barely works. I'm alright I'm not suicidal currently. I just don't care anymore. Maybe I just lay in bed and wait for eternity. Without anyone to rely on this just feels so unbearable.,Bipolar +46054,"Question from a non bipolar person I’m sorry if this offends anyone that’s not the intention! +I’m curious how mania and depression feels for another Bipolar person. My boyfriend is bipolar and I can usually tell when he’s on the ups or downs but I would love to hear the point of view from other people on how they feel if anyone wouldn’t mind sharing! I want to know as much as I can about it so I can help him if he ever needs me and just to overall learn more about it!",Bipolar +50482,"Has anyone been able to get on disability due to just your mental illnesses? I’ve tried three times, sent in all required paperwork and have been denied every time. I have severe depression, severe social and generalized anxiety/slight agoraphobia, bipolar, autism, ptsd and ADHD. I can’t work and it’s ruining my life",Bipolar +45816,Anxiety! I have a psychiatry appointment in the morning with my new doctor. I haven't been on meds in a few months and I have never met the guy before. I'm so nervous that my stomach is in knots and I can't sleep. I've had three panic attacks today and its not getting any better. ,Bipolar +46219,"Adderall combating the negative sides of lamictal. Lamictal was causing me to sleep all day and be a lazy slum who sat on his phone all day and didnt have any motivation to engage in productive activities (as seen in my recent post). But I was sane and safe so it needed to be this way. + +I've convinced my doc to give me an adderall script because im genuinely afraid that my lamictal brain is not adequate for passing my January exams. + +Adderall is making me sleep 6 hours a night which makes me feel amazing. I used to sleep 6 hours back before I was medicated, and it feels just so fucking good. for some reason, the less I sleep, the better I feel. I haven't felt this fucking energized in a while. I only took 20mg 2 days ago, and 10mg yesterday. + +Im making this post because: + +1) I was wondering if any of you have a similar situation where less sleep makes you feel better? And if you have any similar medication history and if you can provide any insight into this situation to me? How did these realizations help you and what were your next steps? + +2) If I told my doctor that adderall was making me sleep less, would she take it away from me? I only take it to study, but I fucking love sleeping 6 hours. I felt well rested when I woke up today for the first time in like 6 months. Im wondering if I can tell her this information or if she would be worried about it triggering mania. She mentioned to me that she wanted to do a ""sleep test"" on me. + +thanks for reading, any input is appreciated.",Bipolar +45682,"I’m new I’m new to this subreddit but I’m very grateful to be here ! I’m 21, I got diagnosed as manic depression (type 2) in October. Previously I was missed diagnosed with depression and general anxiety. I’ve been on and off the same medication since I was 16. It’s currently not working so I’ve had to take a break again to try something new. I’m currently coming out of this depression part of my cycle. Usually the hypomania comes next because I’m so stressed out about how hard I fucked up whatever happened in the 3/4 weeks of depression. I struggle a lot with trying to cope self harm. I use to cut for almost two years when I was in high school, which was be main reason I got on medication to begin with. Throughout the years (16-21) I’ve gone on a few binders. When I was younger it was MDMA & alcohol, when I became older it was alcohol. But was all stopped by the fact that I was pregnant. My kids have been the only reason why I haven’t slipped back into drugs or alcohol. I’m currently in outpatient treatment, I guess you would call it that. I go see two doctors to talk and sort out my feelings and try and find a program fitting for me. This has been the hardest fight of my life. I thought this was over but after I had my son it creeped right back for revenge. I had him in 2016 and I’ve basically missed half of his life because I don’t remember from being so depressed or my anxiety. I’m in this place in my life now where I don’t even know where I am at everyday waking up. I feel like I don’t have a path anymore. I’ve lost focus in my career right now, I’m trying to pull myself back into this but I can’t. I’m mentally so exhausted I just feel useless. I fight so hard everyday to keep myself alive and calm, and then my two kids all alone. I choose to put myself here and I constantly wish I didn’t. I wish I could have given them a better start, or a better life currently. I have a job interview Wednesday, on Valentine’s Day. This is the first job I’ve gone to since October when I tried to kill myself. I left a job after one orientation because it was a trigger to me basically. I had to hold myself back from saying things, or doing things to this crazy woman who I found out lied about having cancer. I hold hope for this job, I hope this can change my routine into something healthy and I can actually enjoy going to work again. I miss life, I miss being able to enjoy life, I just miss me. ",Bipolar +45864,"Hypomanic and leaving the country I have been stable for a long period of time, without medication. +My doctor has been wondering if I really am bipolar or if it has always been my ADHD that has been the problem + +Lyrica basically saved my life, I was in a constant state of anxiety and it really helped me, but after 2 years things started to go so fats in my head, I lost a lot of weight, excelled at work and college and took on to many responsibilities and I crashed a couple of weeks ago. + +They put me on concerta and it seems so calm my head, but I'm still feeling tingly inside and I'm horny as fuck(sorry) i sleep around 7-8 hours, I don't feel I'm better than anybody else and I can listen in a conversation, but I'm wondering if the lyrica and concerta are pushing me into a hypomanic episode +I get these intrusive thoughts, but ofc I don't act on them + +I am leaving the country in 2 days for a school trip to Girona and I'm afraid I won't be able to go:(( + +Does anybody have any advice on what I should do, can I do something to calm myself down before the trip? My doctor thinks it's fine, but she's not a psychiatrist + +I've been known to ovethink a lot, I have a hard time getting out of my head and into the reality, but I need advice +",Bipolar +50015,"Manic rage I haven’t seen a lot of people on here talk about the rage that can come with mania. It’s genuinely terrifying to feel it and I assume for others to witness it. It’s gotten better with age for me, but I still have glimpses of that little pure rage goblin in my brain. What are your experiences, if you have them? I just like knowing i’m not alone with my symptoms.",Bipolar +50318,"TW: self harm - have been doing it for 10 years. I have been self harming for over 10 years now. I’m horribly embarrassed that i still slip into doing it even as an adult. I feel as though a lot of people view it as a “teenager only” thing. I’ve been doing it less and less over the years, but the fact that i still do like i said makes me embarrassed. If you have a similar experience any advice or personal stories would be nice, but no pressure. I downloaded an app to help track how long i’ve gone without doing it. Just needed to vent, thank you.",Bipolar +46960,"How Do I Stop Impulsive Spending? Hey everyone, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 last December and it explained so many things for me. One of them was how I love to spend on food, projects, and other stuff I don’t need. The only problem is that I’m on medication now and the new one I’m on seems to be helping me stay stable. While the impulsive urges to spend are pretty much gone, I’m still going after food. At this point I think it’s just a deeply ingrained habit. I really need to save my money so I can purchase the gear I need for my summer job. I want to just eat at home for the rest of the month and not buy anything I don’t need, but I feel like I will keep falling into my old hypomanic habits. Can someone please help me? It’s a lack of self control and I don’t know how to stop.",Bipolar +46251,"Tardive Dyskinesia, medication adjustments and the manic aftermath. Hi everyone, + +It’s hard to know where to start. I started medication for bipolar as an adolescent (13 I think) but I have been bipolar since I was a young child, and it feels like there is nothing before it. I am entering my late twenties now (so still young) but as you may know even in my childhood there was a lot of controversy about whether children could be bipolar and very little known about medicating children for being bipolar. I did have a child psychiatrist and I sincerely believe he did the best he could for me. That being said, everything was sort of a stab in the dark. I am sure there are many of you who can relate. + +It turns out that a good psychiatrist is hard to find around here, so the next one I went to missed a medication interaction between a non psychiatric medication I was already on and lamictal. He also happened to miss my signs of tardive dyskinesia even though I brought them to his attention several times. I no longer see him. I am no longer on lamictal. + +I now see a new psychiatrist and she is fantastic. I am in good hands and trust that, but she had to bring me down from a fairly standard dose of Abilify I have been on for the past 14 years to basically almost nothing because of the tardive dyskinesia. I was fine at first, surprisingly fine and stable, but now I have been manic/hypomanic for a couple of weeks when I was pretty well managed before. + +I see my psychiatrist in three days. I plan to talk to her and come up with a plan to deal with this at that appointment. + +It’s just at my last appointment, before the mania started, we talked about my choices and my medication options are now limited based on what did not work for me before and especially now thanks to developing TD and I am just scared. There may be some major changes to my medication. + +I have started this amazing life with this amazing girl. I have a stable job. We are getting married next year. We have a home. We have cats. We have a future. We want kids. I am scared because although she has seen me in bad moments and knows of my past, she has not truly experienced me at my worst. I know she will always love me but I am terrified- terrified of the td getting worse. Terrified of feeling out of control again. + +I don’t really know what I expect from any comments. I suppose I just needed to say this to people who would understand how I feel. Most people I know and talk to don’t get it at all. They have not lived it. I needed to confide in people who struggle with what I struggle with. + +It’s like my life that I worked so hard to build and maintain since I was a child (with consistent therapy, with medication, and with A LOT of everyday effort) is going to be ripped out from under me and it’s not even my doing. I did everything right. It hurts. It’s scary. It’s a lot. + +Sorry this is so long. I hope there are still people willing to read it. +",Bipolar +47040,"Have any of you tried TMS? I told my doc today how it seemed to be a pattern that I have a crisis, change meds, but there's always another crisis (depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and desperation the sure knowledge that nothing will ever change). Still haven't found a med or combo that works long term. My former med list is as long as my arm, with all the side-effects in the world but always another crisis. So she suggested looking into TMS. I'm going to be patient and wait until I finish (if I finish, at the rate I'm going, long story) EMDR therapy just to give it a fair shake, and I'm doing my own research, but I also wondered about the community's experience was. Did you notice improvement after trying TMS therapy? For how long? How many sessions did you have to have? What did it feel like? Did your personality change? What features of your illness did it particularly affect? Thanks!",Bipolar +45620,Recently Diagnosed I recently diagnosed with BipolarII & PTSD.. The PTSD I know when/how it got to that point.. but the Bipolar.. have I always been that way and never noticed? Thinking back I can't really pinpoint when I started acting this way because it seems like it was always normal?,Bipolar +46154,"I quit my job Just couldn't do it anymore. I did it on good terms though, face to face with the GM, giving my two weeks notice. My ability to deal with customers has been diminishing and I feel I'm a threat to others. Every day I dread going to work a little more. Every day is a little more difficult and I feel as if I'm going to snap. Next week will be my last. I'm glad I had the guts to do it yesterday and didn't wait, because fuck, I feel like I'm barely making it. I feel like a caged animal that yearns to run, to soar, to live. +I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the end of next week. We'll see. Every day there I feel like dropping everything and walking out the door, but I care too much for my managers. + +",Bipolar +45970,"How do you know if your emotions are real? Hello, BP2 here. + +This might tap into a more philosophical topic, but I can't tell the difference between my actual emotions and my mental disorder. Being BP2, its hard to tell whether I'm actually motivated and happy for once rather than hypomanic. The depressive episodes are easy to tell apart from reasonable sadness because I've suffered from severe depression (before my BP symptoms manifested) so I can tell the signs more easily. But with mania, I just don't know. + +I can never tell when I'm actually getting better or if I'm just being hypomanic. I don't know if I'm actually genuinely excited about life because I've finally gotten a handle on my mental illness, or if my mental disorder is just playing tricks on me and secretly transitioning me into a hypomanic episode. + +I feel like I'm going crazy, having relapsed multiple times over the years. + +So I guess my question is, can you tell the difference between genuine emotion and your regular BP symptoms? If so, how?",Bipolar +45485,"Maybe I should throw up my meds more often! /s When I was last at the hospital (2 months ago), the docs increased my Latuda from 60 mg to 80 mg. I immediately started experiencing nausea as soon as I took it, so my nurse gave me that minty Maalox stuff that you drink out of a little cup. They said that my body would adjust to the higher dose and to just give it some time. + +Well, the nausea didn’t go away, and I’ve thrown up my meds twice (last night was the second time) and experienced nausea and/or stomach pain every day or almost every day. They said to take it with food, and I did, but it didn’t make a difference. + +I also got a phone charger that lights up for Christmas, and its brightness was preventing me from getting good sleep. I thought I could put it as far away from my bed as possible and not have it affect me, but it was still too bright. + +Throwing up meds + ? days of unrestful sleep due to too much light from the charger = waking up at 4am and completing 5 of my Chinese lessons, restlessly pacing the house for an hour straight and then doing 200 crunches nonstop. Mind you, I am someone who barely exercises so this was pretty out of character for me! My parents were concerned at first but then we all joked around about how I’d get a 6 pack and I should start my own fitness plan (manic state recommended but not required ??). I admire them a lot for their strength and composure in situations like these. + +Feeling restless and like you can’t sit still even for a moment without screaming is pretty uncomfortable, but at least I was able to get that energy out in a positive and productive way. I ended up getting in 5000 steps this morning, so that’s pretty good! Only another 5000 to go :) + +So, I’m going to put the charger in a different room (even though I don’t want to because it’s really cute :’( ) and talk to my psychiatrist about lowering my Latuda so I don’t have as many stomach-related side effects. I also need to make a commitment to myself to exercise on a more regular basis. I was going to the gym every day for a few days but then I got sick and couldn’t do anything for almost a week. I’m feeling better now so I’m going to get back on the bandwagon. + +Thanks for reading! ",Bipolar +45908,"I have no real friends I just realised I have no real friends besides one, I even feel as though we don’t really have a lot in common but somehow we’re living together. + +I feel as though all of my university friends aren’t even my friends, I don’t feel as though I can genuinely tell anyone how I feel. Even with my boyfriend I feel as though I can’t tell him how I feel completely because he’ll worry and I’m scared that he’ll leave me when he realises how suicidal I actually am. I’ve been diagnosed with type 2 bipolar so most of the time I’m experiencing depressive episodes and a lot of the times I can experience extremely bad episodes where I don’t do anything productive for two weeks at least. + +I just want to meet likeminded people who I feel as though I can talk to honestly. Any suggestions on how I do this? ",Bipolar +50167,"My mania just ended and I think im going to spiral soon I (25f) started my new job while I was manic and I made so many friends and I felt happy but then the monthish after I realized I was manic. I was drinking every day. I was.. a lot. But they loved it I think. I was fun. I was energy. + +Now I'm on the other side and the timing feels bad. I don't want people to start hating me again. It's not like they actually understand what bipolar is. I want to be more than who I am when im manic but I feel most myself and useful when I am. + +I've tried talking to 7 psychiatrists now, and 4 or 5 therapists. One, who specialized in c-ptsd and bipolar who was also a colored woman I was so excited about, she ghosted me. I don't want to recant my traumas anymore. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm in a whirl pool but I can't tell if it will pull me under or just keep spinning me and spinning me. Boats are passing by but im not drowning so why stop? + +I just need some kind words from people who hear me and not just listen and tell me to wait. I don't know what to do lol",Bipolar +45664,"Meds Rollercoaster So I think I've been on pretty much all the antipsychotics now. Right now I'm on Latuda before it was Abilify before that it was Geodone. The list goes on. My libido has gone in the toilet the last year or so. My doc says could be the dopamine being suppressed. So now he's added Wellbutrin to the mix. It's been only one day but I've gotta say I'm getting really sick of these meds and the side effects. I really hope my sexdrive comes back. If it doesn't I think I may consider just white knuckling it and getting off all this crap. I've been on meds since 2001. Started with Risperdal. +Hate that crap. I swear my fingers got fat on that stuff. Has anyone been through this low libido stuff ? Is there any hope ? Has anyone been on an antipsychotic and had wellbutrin added to the mix ? What were the results. Looking for any kind of advice or input. Thanks +",Bipolar +45911,"7 years later: tales from an SO Hey all. A whiiiiiiile back I had a really rough week. And I [wrote about it here.](https://np.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/fy8mx/its_a_long_story_but_i_need_to_tell_it/) + +Well, I just wanted to say: + +LIFE IS FUCKING GRAND. + +Yeah, Chris has bipolar. Yeah, his medications suck. But he's up again. He's doing again. This isn't a sudden thing either, this has been slow and gradual and we wouldn't want it any other way; as if we had it faster that's... bad news. + +But... our relationship is better than it's ever been. I stuck through the worst of things and honestly the worst was only about 1-2 years. (Only. I know that's a long time but seriously, compared to eternity, it's nothing.) During that 1-2 years time I basically had lost all hope, and was only driven by my promise and loyalty to my husband. Promises that were hard to keep because he seemed like such a doppelganger. + +We kept adjusting medications. We lowered stress in our lives. I took over on all the hard stuff and I give Chris whatever latitude I can. I've lost my judgementality. Chis still judges himself very strongly and I am trying to help him be less critical. He's come a long way but he wants to help more and I think this is a good sign. He just needs to be more patient with himself. + +About 4 years ago he had another psychotic break. This was while he was medicated. But the problem was we were moving. The stress of this put him over; it's something that happens. But the second time was much milder, much easier. Firstly, everything was set up so we had a p-doc (The best, thank you Madeline, god, thank you so god damned much) and he had medication, and he was able to recognize the discrepancies. The first time through he had no idea something had gone wrong in his head. But this time he DID and it made a HUGE difference. ([Here's where I wrote about it](http://www.pushypixels.com/post/122389851999/missing-the-man-who-is-there) at one point, sorry the picture is missing my hosting screwed up; I'll have to fix that later.) + +Anyway, that was much milder and cleared up in a few months. + +So, all sounds pretty bad-ish, not GRAND like I claim, but seriously, let's step back and look at things, specifically this statement: + +> During that 1-2 years time I basically had lost all hope + +I. +Had. +Lost. +All. +Hope. + +I had lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE. He was gone. I was resigned to caring for his shell for the rest of my days. I even... god help me... I even wished for his death. Or my own. + +And NOW I HAVE HIM BACK. + +There are no words I can write to explain the magnitude of this. None. All the worldly troubles I've ever had have MELTED in the face of this tragedy. All of them. + +Anyway, hope this was worth a little read. Chris will be waking up soon and I am gonna cuddle him back into bed the moment he does! <3 + +---- + +Edit: Tips for bipolar SOs: + +During the bad times: + +* Take it a day at a time +* There's only so much you can do to help. + * Get them their pills on time. + * Force a smile, laugh even if you don't think you need to. + * Be around when you can. +* You also have to help yourself. + * Focus on work, focus on friends, focus on YOU. + * Stop worrying every second about your SO, the worries don't help either of you. + +During the good times: + +* ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF THEM",Bipolar +47066,"manic/hypomanic thoughts i’m 18 years old, recently diagnosed and medicated. i’m not sure if it’s type one or two because i cant tell if i’ve technically reaches mania or if it’s just been hypomania. but during my last episode (at 17) i got involved with a 21 year old and ended up sexually assaulted (among much more) but because i was so “high” i didnt care at all in the moment and didn’t even realize that’s what it had been until other people pointed it out afterwards. and i still didn’t care until i had a pregnancy scare and my uncle died and i fell into a depressive episode and realized i had been sexually assaulted, which was hard to deal with mostly in the fact that i hadn’t cared at all. this did end in me going to the hospital when i “came down” but not being hospitalized, so i don’t know if it technically would be considered a manic episode or just hypomanic? now i can tell i’m teaching a high again because i don’t care about the situation or think about it negatively at all anymore. i’m not sure if i’m asking something or just want someone to relate to not really being able to process negative emotions or situations when you’re manic or hypomanic because EVERYTHING just seems so good. i also can tell when i’m higher rather than low because i have a lot of thoughts and ideas about human power and control and essentially have the thought that nothing really matters so i might as well be selfish and have fun because we’re all technically the god of our own universe.",Bipolar +50630,Med adjustments People who consider their bipolar well managed are you ever symptomatic? I’ve been stable and and symptom free for years but recently I have been struggling with some racing thoughts and i feel completely overwhelmed…. I am in a stressful situation that will be over in a 3-4 weeks. Do you call your Dr and change your meds or do you just ride it out?,Bipolar +50284,"Personal failure, having a bad day, had to ask boss if I could WFH, embarrassed. Woke up super depressed. Just like existential dread. Couldn’t get out of bed. + +I try to tell myself I can handle this disorder as long as it doesn’t ruin my work life. Because I need the healthcare. But I feel it slowly creeping in.",Bipolar +50384,"Transfer of care request denied (UK) please help advice needed I have been under the care of a community mental health team for 10 years for my bipolar and GAD, I recently moved across the country so my psychiatrist put in a transfer of care request to a mental health clinic in the city I live now. I just received a letter from this new place saying my transfer of care request has been denied because my psychiatrist stated I was stable so they are discharging me to my GP now. + +This can’t be right surely? not only because I have bipolar and need regular appointments with a psychiatrist to monitor/manage my medication etc, but I’m also unemployed and the mental health team were just about to help me with preparing to slowly get back to work starting with volunteering, they told me this new clinic would help me with this and now that won’t be happening I feel completely left in the lurch. How am I supposed to work or do anything without their support? I don’t know what to do, the letter sounded very firm and final about this but my psychiatrist was adamant I would continue to receive support from CMHT. Please help",Bipolar +50598,"Are we neurodivergent? I was reading the post about crapping on coping mechanisms that was posted recently and I was surprised to hear that many people consider themselves neurodivergent because of their bipolar. + +Please inform me if I sound really ignorant! + +I was under the impression that neurodivergence is an innate difference in thinking, permeating everything you do and the brain is inherently wired differently. This is most often associated with ADHD and Autism spectrum disorders. + +I personally feel that although I have a mental illness, that when well controlled and stable I am “wired” the same as most people. My therapist described an allegory that stuck for me which was “Your personality is the climate, and your mood is the weather”. + +I think that my climate is “neurotypical” and I do not identify myself as neurodivergent, more as someone who deals with periods of mental illness. + +What do you think about this?",Bipolar +46162,"Fake clarity So interesting how clear everything seems to be while manic. I know the answers to problems that have been plaguing me. I feel like everything falls into place. I am finally cured of all my anxieties and feel silly for worrying about them in the first place. I spent money on hobbies I've given up on because I know I'll suddenly get good at it *this* time. Oh and no I don't need to see my therapist again or take my meds because I'm *cured* finally! + +But of course this lasts for maybe a week until I hit reality hard and everything takes over. But it won't happen *this* time. No of course not. + +Fml.",Bipolar +50052,"Why do people with bipolar have higher than average suicide rates? +What causes this exactly? What causes the brain to respond to situations in this manner? Or is it just from the long-term brain trauma? + +Have they ever done any studies on this particular topic? I’ve never come across it when doing my research",Bipolar +50490,"Can you sleep when manic? When you experience mania, are you able to sleep if you want to, or are you unable to sleep? + + +I find I have no problems sleeping when manic, I just don't want to and don't really feel like I need it.",Bipolar +49490,,Bipolar +46206,"Happy New Years!!! Wow. I can't believe the way this year is beginning for me so far, and I'm hoping many of you are thinking the same. We might be naively optimistic, but I'm not lying when I say things are looking pretty good for me right now. + +So, I'm asking you guys... do any of you have any resolutions, plans, hopes, desires for the new year? Personal, social, political, global? Just what WILL this year be? + +And make sure we talk about how we will manage to stay healthy this year. Because we will.",Bipolar +46230,"On Therapy My therapist is very talented. In fact, she was booked for the entire month of December and for all but the last week of this month. That means it'll be almost two months between appointments, when I'm used to seeing her twice a month. This has never happened in our quite lengthy time together, and I'm scheduled through March from here on out. + +Therapy is an interesting thing for me. Because I come from a very traumatic background, therapy has been a godsend for PTSD-related issues. What I'd never noticed before, though, is how much it helps me regulate my mood in between sessions. Knowing I'll have someone to help me sort through random thoughts and make sense of any major shifts or psychotic issues allows me to keep the jumble in the background. It's like static; I can tolerate the static when I know there will eventually be someone who can help me understand how the radio works. (bad example but best I can do.) + +My therapist, pdoc, and I constantly assess whether therapy is beneficial to me, because it has been ongoing for quite some time. We were all of the understanding that, yes, in fact, I get a great deal of benefit from therapy. Now I'm one month into not having therapy, and things are falling absolutely apart. Suspicion confirmed. + +I will go on through this month doing the best I can, and I will try not to break any more aspects of life. Then, I will spend a couple of sessions picking up the pieces and hoping this sort of break in our therapy journey does not happen again anytime soon.",Bipolar +47085,Lithium Have any of you gone through lithium withdrawal just from lowering the dose of the pill I started to get some withdrawal symptoms but not as extreme as when I last went off lithium,Bipolar +46710,Tardive diskinesia Talk to me about tardive diskinesia. Do you/have you had it? Were you able to get rid of it? Does it ever get better or does it get worse with time?,Bipolar +49978,,Bipolar +46847,"Mixed episode, first episode of any kind in years Hi all, + +I just went through a mixed episode (or at least what I think was a mixed episode, never had one before) after being consistently healthy for 4+ years. + +In reflection, I’ve realized how much I’ve taken my good health for granted. I’d forgotten what it was like to feel completely out of control. I think I’ve also been in denial in the past that I ever did anything outside of my control during an episode and downplayed it, but this was the kick in the pants that reminded me what it’s really like. + +Anyway, in the aftermath there are some things that are still really getting me down (pretty sure I’m still depressed). This is the first episode I’ve had since my son was born. Before he was born I expressed to my wife that I was worried about passing bipolar on to him, and I was even more worried about having an episode while I was home alone with him. + +Well, I did end up having to be home alone with him a couple of times and it really terrifies me. At one point I was trying trying to get him into his car seat and he was giving me a really hard time. He wasn’t being intentionally difficult, really he was just playing, trying to turn off the dome light. I ended up screaming at him in my driveway while I tried to get him into the seat so I could buckle him in. He started bawling. That was early on in the episode and at that point I hadn’t realized yet that I was off in any way, but a couple minutes later I realized I had just done something that I would never, ever, ever normally do. The other times I was with him, I just felt so down that I could barely respond to his needs for food or a diaper change or whatever and definitely couldn’t play with him. It was really hard to look at him in the face. He had no idea what was going on and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t read to him or play with cars when that’s what we normally do every day. The one time I tried to read to him I started weeping before I got past the first page. + +Like I said, I was worried that something like this would happen, but I was not at all prepared to handle it, nor was I at all prepared for how it would make me feel. After screaming at him I’m worried I’m going to become violent. And when I have trouble feeding him, it’s just an overwhelming feeling that I can’t take care of the kid that depends on me just to survive. I feel completely unable to parent properly and like I am a complete failure as a dad. It has me wondering if my family would be better off without me (not necessarily in a suicidal kind of way, more like should I just leave?). In my mind I keep telling myself I’m being irrational, but it’s pretty hard to believe right now. My wife knows I’m feeling down still and last night she asked me if I was going to be ok with him in the morning (I get him ready for the day and take him to childcare for the day because she leaves early). I know it’s a necessary question, but the fact that it even needs to be asked really cuts deep. + +Anyway, idk what I’m really looking for with this post. Just needed to get it out. +",Bipolar +49549,"I don't know how to be present in the moment and time slips away I feel restless from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed, i am an artist for a living and i use to enjoy making art. Let alone self care like long showers and making a nice meal. Everything feels rushed, like time is running out. I'm never fully present when doing things and i always find my mind wandering and not focusing on the task at hand. Mentally i'm scattered with just about everything and executive function is non existent. I want my life back and I want to feel like I have time. Even if I tell myself I have time I can't just sit down and have my mind stop too. My mind never stops even if my body can't keep going",Bipolar +46459,"How do you move on and let go of the past? It seems like my past mistakes haunt me. I can't let go of the small, stupid things I've done years and years go that don't even matter.",Bipolar +50097,"I hear people singing and music when I get manic? Does anyone else have this happen to them? It's very strange. + +I remember maybe when I was 7 I would be confused as to if music was actually playing. + +It doesn't happen too often, but it's peculiar when it does. I became more consciously aware of this when I was maybe 13. I remember being restless because I could hear music, but it was too clear for it to be real. I went outside my bed and didn't hear anything. + +I was talking to my psychiatrist maybe 2 days ago about it. If you want you can take a quick scroll through my post history, but basically + +1. Got sexually harassed badly from a supervisor. He told told me sexual things about my body and told me he liked sliding in and coming inside + +2. When I reported it, the manager cut my hours to zero. I have to pay for rent and food, not to mention how it felt to muster up the courage to report it, and then right face retaliation. I've never experienced this kind of devastation before. I can't even describe how painful the act of retaliation in itself was. I was aware I might not be believed, but I didn't think I'd get punished. + +So I told my psychiatrist about it and almost cried. I'm still processing this information, and I'm struggling. I really am. + +Sometimes it's music playing. More often, actual music will be playing, and I hear an actual person singing along with the song, but they aren't. It's the most bizzare thing. I have to stare at their lips, and they won't be moving. But I hear their singing very clearly. + +Has anything like this happened to others before? + +But, thank God for meds. I've dipped in and out of suicidal fantasy because of it, but overall, it's been ok. I still have panic attacks when my throat closes up and I have to step away to cough it out and/or drink water. But again, thank God for meds. + +I'm not going to ask for a higher dosage yet though. I think I'm stable if not for this happening. Anyways, that's such a tangent. So I guess that's a question + rant I have for yall.",Bipolar +45862,"Latuda... what to expect? This is my second meds switch in a week and a half, from Zoloft, to Effexor, and now Latuda.(Zoloft didn't work, and Effexor caused heart problems) + +My pdoc said Latuda shouldn't cause akethisia, or weight gain. I'm super prone to akathisia, and I am wondering about other people's experiences + +<3",Bipolar +46964,"Could i have Bipolar instead? Hey there. My psychology assignment for my final term is to research an illness of which I chose bipolar. I chose this because my Dad is diagnosed with Bipolar and i wanted to learn more. Looking at it has made me start questioning my own mind as well. + +I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD-PI. However, doing research i've found that ADHD and BD can be mistaken for eachother sometimes because of similar symptoms. BD runs in my family (through my dad) and yet i'm not aware of anyone else in my family with ADHD, which is supposedly hereditary as well. + +I have also had issues with depression and self destructive tendencies for a long time. History of alcoholism and pseudo substance abuse after failing school for 3 years and a seemingly innate ability to tell myself that i will never succeed and that i do not deserve anything other than misery and seemingly becoming hellbent on proving that voice right. + +However, while i do feel that i have cycles where suddenly out of nowhere i'll just get depressed and basically zombified for a period of time, I don't feel that the mania symptoms strike me at all. I do have periods where i will suddenly be very happy and everything is great, silver linings in everything and sign up for lots of different clubs or take new courses etc. But i've seen it state an increased or grandiose sense of worth, or feeling that you are good at everything, and I have never experienced that i guess. + +Am i just being a hypochondriac or is this something that any of you can relate to? I don't really know if i'm just being in my head or not. Thanks for reading. + +",Bipolar +49636,"I'm at risk of losing my home I'm not throwing a pity party here I just genuinely want to know if other people have done this too. I have spent so much money over the years racked up a lot of debt. I've only been stable for the past month or so thankfully to lithium, but my monthly expenses are nearly equal to my income. I can no longer afford my home that my family currently resides in. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I ever let my spending get so bad, but I guess that's where being on no medication can hurt you. I submitted a loss mitigation application to my mortgage company and got a letter from my psychiatrist stating that I've been diagnosed with bipolar 1. Is anyone else in the same boat or have been here before?",Bipolar +46746,"Am I disabled? Hi /r/BipolarReddit, long time no see. I've been pretty well, so I haven't been coming around much. + +I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost 10 years ago. I wasn't all that compliant with my treatment until about 5 years ago, when I overcame my marijuana addiction and started getting my life under control. I was rediagnosed bipolar I from bipolar II, I revamped all my meds, started in on weekly group therapy then graduated to weekly individual therapy. I'd been working at Starbucks the whole time, but last September I started back in school, and things have been great. I haven't had a major episode in over a year. Sometimes I still get very sad and a little suicidal, and there's some intrusive thoughts here and there with some paranoia/psychotic delusions, but I have a 4.0 GPA! + +The thing is though, to pay for my weekly therapy and my medication, I need to maintain 20 hours a week at Starbucks to be health benefits eligible. I've been juggling school with work since September, and clearly I am capable of doing that. But I'm starting to plan for September, and as part of my program I have to do a placement of 10 hours a week while still maintaining a full time course load, and reddit, I just don't know that this is a good idea. Since September I've been tired all the time, and I have no doubt the psychosis-lite comes on when I am stressed from having 3 papers due in the course of a week while still having to work 20 hours a week while having to go to class while having to go to therapy while having to maintain a social life while having to get exercise while having to cook right so I don't get ill etc etc etc. It seems to me a recipe for relapse. And TBH I'm secretly convinced that I've just been in an extended hypomanic state since September. + +I have a couple of friends who've been telling me for years that I should just apply for disability. I am in Ontario, Canada, where I can apply for a bursary for students with permanent disabilities which can pay for services including therapy. Then I could ease off on my hours at Starbucks and still maintain my treatment. + +But honestly, I don't feel ""disabled."" I'm working 20 hours a week and maintaining a 4.0 GPA on a full course load. This, it seems to me, is more than fully able people do. I don't think anyone would consider me disabled either, despite my long track record of being in treatment. + +I was just hoping to hear some discussion around the word ""disabled,"" its relationship to bipolar disorder, what it means to be given that title by governing agencies, how you feel about the word, the relationship between disability and capability, and whatever else you have to say about the topic! + +Also, I just wanted to say while I'm here that this community gave me so much support when I really needed it, and I am glad it's still an awesome community full of amazing people.",Bipolar +46312,How do we get through the normal stages of life like this? I’ve [19F] been recently diagnosed as bipolar and I really struggle with seeing a future for myself. I’m in college and I’ve lost all motivation this month. I don’t see myself getting married because I keep causing problems in my relationship. I don’t see myself having kids because I don’t want to give them the mental illness that I have. How the fuck do we move forward from here? My dog saves my life every day. And if it weren’t for her I would have nothing. ,Bipolar +45734,"(Content Warning) Florida and Media Representation of Mental Illness Reading of the news of another mass casualty in the US yesterday was first heartbreaking, then infuriating. Every news outlet I saw pointed toward the focus on mental illness. POTUS went as far as saying that he wanted to tackle the complex problem of ""mental illness"". + +1) WTF does that mean? +Is he referring to ensuring that healthcare is readily available to Americans living with mental illnesses? Or that those who have mental illnesses will be receiving assistance in obtaining treatment? + +2) Why is it that the only time people speak to mental health as an issue, as a priority, is when a lot of people are dead? Why is the culpability always on mental illness and never on a negligent gun legislation? + +Here in Canada, we have a make shift day of awareness that has its own set of problems because it is funded by a corporation that doesn't respect the mental health of its own employees. We're trying, but we do have basic mental health coverage and care that isn't always afforded elsewhere. + +Folks outside of North America, is this the same portrayal? ",Bipolar +50344,how long does drug induced mania last? Weird question but if someone was not ever admitted or treated for drug induced mania how Long will that last for before they crash? And do different drugs effec the length of manic episode?,Bipolar +46339,"Not sure if I want kids because of this I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2, and I'm still not totally sure what that means. I have really bad months, followed by a few weeks where I do really well and I'm really happy, followed by a few more bad months of depression and anxiety. + +When I met my wife four years ago, I didn't know I'd get this bad. I had a history of depression and anxiety disorder, but I was keeping it controlled without medication. Two years ago I had a breakdown and had to go back into therapy, which led to now. + +My wife and I always talked about having kids, but the worse I feel the less I feel like I'd make a good dad. I barely feel like getting up to go to work, let alone do all the chores that are already piled up around the house. I can't imagine putting a kid on top of all that. Not to mention, I'd hate to bring someone else into the world and they feel as bad as I do. It seems selfish of me to have a kid on a whim and then end up being a shitty dad. + +I don't know how to tell my wife. I love her, she makes me so happy, but I don't know if I can do this. She's not pregnant, but she's off the pill and we've decided to take a loose take on ""trying"". We already don't have a lot of sex. + +Am I right about this or is this just my chemically off balanced brain making itself feel worse? Am I the only one who thinks like this?",Bipolar +46414,"I feel like killing myself, but I might as well see Into the Spider-Verse first. I'm in a really dark place right now. I think I've been in a funky little depressive episode for a while now. I've been cancelling my therapy appointments because I have too much anxiety to talk about my problems, but then, as a drawback, I don't get to talk about my problems. Now I actively want to die, instead of just passively. Last night I stood outside in the cold until my fingers hurt so much I cried (that wasn't the goal, the goal was fresh air, but that's what ended up happening). + +I'm thinking the most likely outcome is that getting out of the house for longer than 30 minutes for the first time in two weeks will improve my mood enough that I'll find some other reason to live past that. But right now all I've got figured out is I'm going to see the movie before I do any dangerous impulsive thing. Sound good?",Bipolar +46627,"Involuntary med change The past year and a half I have tried several different med combos. Lamictal and risperidone were sort of working but the risperidone had some very unfortunate side effects. My psydoc took me off the risperidone and put me in Saphris last December. +Between the Saphris and the lamictal I have been the most stable I have Ever been. + +Last week I went to refill my saphris, and out of nowhere my insurance no longer covers it. It was 2 Months ago I got it filled! So instead of a $50 copay it's now $360. +My psydoc prescribed me geodon in its place, but + +I'm so frustrated. I dont want a new med. I liked what I was on. +Now I get to play another round of what weird side effects am I going to get, and the possibility of it not working as well. + +Uuuuggggghhhhh. Life sucks so hard right now, with several other things going on in my life. I just need a win for once. +I want to cry. +I'm also a few days into a hypomanic episode, so I got that going for me too. +",Bipolar +50439,"How soon do you tell someone you’re starting to date? I am currently in the process of getting divorced but looking towards the future and getting back in the dating scene I realized I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing! My ex-husband was with me when I was diagnosed so it’s never something I had to really “tell” him about. + +I have bipolar II and overall it has been fairly well controlled until recently in going through this divorce. I had a severe (for me) hypomanic episode followed by a severe depressive episode but now am back on meds, picking up the pieces, and getting back to a feeling of normalcy. I know that the stress of dealing with my addict ex plus the stress of the divorce absolutely contributed to the severity of these episodes so I’m hopeful that moving forward I will continue to be well managed. + +My concern is that in dating someone, eventually I would want them to know what I’m dealing with, but I understand people who would not want to be with me due to this condition. Obviously telling someone deep mental health stuff on a first date would be off-putting but I’m just wondering if any of you have found a good way to handle this appropriately?? Thanks in advance 😊 you all are amazing.",Bipolar +46366,"I'm going off meds, and I'm not telling my doc. I'm tired of the side effects and feeling like a numb lazy blob. I want to feel again. I'm going to take my gabapentin, clonidine, and smoke CBD (<2% THC). But everything else is being put away. I need to be functional, not just calm. ",Bipolar +45981,"Um, is it me? So, I finally got an appointment with a real psychiatrist two weeks ago and was diagnosed with bipolar (II). However, at the time I couldn't believe how the office was set up. You walked into a waiting room with two receptionist windows on the other side. The receptionists sat behind frosted glass windows that were closed, and in front of each was one of those bells. There were no signs specifying which window to go to or even saying ""please ring bell for service"". I must have stood there fidgeting for 3 or 4 minutes before finally knocking on the window lightly (no way was I gonna ring a bell in a quiet office). Then, while I was filling out my paperwork they decided to turn on music and it was the Braveheart soundtrack. So, I'm sitting there listening to the sountrack to a film where someone gets disembowled and it occurs to me that they can't be THAT stupid and they must have hidden cameras or something to see what their patients do in such an uncomfortable situation. Now, two weeks later I'm like, ""um, you totally thought someone was watching you on a hidden camera"". So, since I've never dealt with psychiatry before, was that being delusional, or is that honestly something plausible?",Bipolar +49938,Extreme irritation? Do you guys ever just get extremely irritated by everyone and everything? It’s been happening for a while but sometimes it just hits me and I want to be mean for no reason due to it. When I was in therapy it’d happen and I’d just be irritated I had to be there and now I’m starting to do it again around my friends. I’ve started isolating until I can deal with it but I just feel like no one else understands. I feel like I can’t control this and I feel so lonely. I’m currently off meds because I can’t afford them or my psych and I just don’t know how to deal with this,Bipolar +45524,"I'm graduating from Law School! It only took me seven years (I took a three year mental health break in the middle). It's been a huge mountain to climb, but I made it! ",Bipolar +50124,"Mixed episode Does anyone have any tips on dealing with a mixed episode? I really don’t want to go to the hospital cause being isolated from my friends, pets, and music makes everything so much worse. I also have trauma from a past hospitalization so even the idea of it is really triggering. I just keep fluctuating between sobbing, being fine, super happy, and angry. I contacted my psychiatrist and I got my appointment moved up to Tuesday but I’m just really overwhelmed right. I’m just listening to music to try to stay calm but my brain is just really loud and I feel like I’m losing it. I just really don’t know how to be ok right now and need some ideas for staying as stable as possible before I can see my psychiatrist.",Bipolar +45947,"Drug advice I am 26 and have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder after a manic episode that lasted a month and a half. +I’ve dealt with it my whole life but never saw a doctor for it. +In the beginning I was given an anti depressant and Adderall for ADD. +The Wellbutrin (anti depressant) made me horrendously depressed and mixed with Adderall incited violent, irrational and unpredictable behavior. +I then was prescribed Lamictal for my mood. +All three of those sort of mellowed me out. Then I decided to stop Wellbutrin because it made me incredibly forgetful, even to the point f frequent black outs and loss of time/days. + +So now, I am currently on Lamictal and a very low dose of Concerta. The concerta is doing nothing. +I have horrendous ADD and my memory is pretty much wiped clean every week. +I am also extremely EXTREMELY tired mentally and physically every day which is not ok because I am a runner and an avid biker but I haven’t been able to work out in weeks because of this exhaustion. + +So basically, any insight on the right cocktail ? +Thanks for bearing through this rant. +-Meezy ",Bipolar +46049,Fuck depression. That is all.,Bipolar +45838,Looking for friend Just looking for a friend who can help me by just listening without judging.,Bipolar +45487,"I had ECT and it changed my life I was hospitalized over a week ago for a suicide attempt. Since I've been on around 30 different meds without much results, I requested ETC (electro convulsive therapy) since they did it at the hospital I was in. I got three rounds of treatment and my depression has been zapped out of my brain. I feel so much better. Just had to share. :)",Bipolar +46791,"Possible Misdiagnosis? PMDD instead of Bipolar? I need possible opinions Between the ages of 12-13 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a short stay in a mental hospital. This mental hospital stay was right after the start of my first period. Over the years that I was medicated I took Lamictal, Prozac, Buproprian, and Lithium. They didn't do much except harm my memory and turn my into a zombie. However, I never had many of the Bipolar symptoms to begin with. Just mood swings and a lot of PTSD related trauma behaviors. At the age of 18 I took myself off of them and almost three years later I have still not had a manic episode. However, in the past few months I have noticed a pattern where my depression, negative thoughts, and unstoppable crying (among other things) come about a week before my period and disappear almost as soon as my period arrives. I am not sure if this is important but, my mom who was given a Bipolar diagnosis that was later retracted also experienced similar pre-period symptoms. I would like to be treated for my possible PMDD however my psychiatrist is worried that potentially treating my PMDD with Prozac could reactivate any latent Bipolar Disorder. I was just wondering how often Bipolar and PMDD are misdiagnosed as one or the other and if you guys ever were misdiagnosed? How did treatment go for you? What do you use to treat your PMDD? What is your opinion on this matter as well? I don't have a lot of friends who understand this kind of thing and I want an outside opinion before I start something potentially damaging.",Bipolar +46161,"Overreacted and feeling guilty I completely overreacted over something so minor and I ended up getting really upset and saying to my boyfriend I wanted to die. I do not want to die, but I wanted that moment to end. I also said nobody cared for me which isn’t true because he does. Most of all I feel embarrassed and majorly guilty for saying saying I wanted to die. I don’t know why I did that and I wish I could rewind time. + +He has been my absolute rock and I am just throwing it all back in his face without meaning to. It’s like I can’t stop myself from saying horrible things and/or reacting so badly towards nearly everything. I don’t think we will talk about this again but I just feel so awful for saying I wanted to die. After everything he does to make sure I am well and okay. I feel so guilty and I can see so clearly it was a total overreaction once again. + +He knows the cycle of the bad days- mad, sad and guilty. He knows how my day is going to be before I do. I just can’t believe I’m acting like this towards the man I am so in love with. + +It’s been a bad couple of days after a handful of good ones.",Bipolar +49641,,Bipolar +46903,"Feeling weird about my meds muting my feelings potentially? I don't know. I had wildly bad, totally untreated BPII for about fifteen years, sine I was a kid, so I honestly don't think I know what normal is. It's weird because I've had med combos in the past that seem to have muted my good feelings and my bad feelings, and that sucks in its own right, but that's not really what's happening now. 2019 has been an absolute shit year for me on an actual non-mental health level, lots of life problems, and I'm just...handling it? Not really bummed out about any of it? I mean, I'm stressed, but I don't know. + +As an example, my grandmother just passed away and I did cry a bit but overall I don't feel much. She was quite old and it's an inevitable fact of life. It sucks but what can you do? Has anyone experienced this, I guess I would almost categorize it as apathy? But I'm happy and excited about things, so it's not really apathy all the way through. Is this what being normal feels like? :I Sorry if this seems like a brag about doing well, it's really not, I just want to know if anyone else has been here. I am so so so grateful that after a shit load of trying different things my meds are working for me these days, and I recognize and fully support people that are struggling.",Bipolar +45527,"That burning passion... I'm sitting here in my living room, watching the log in my fireplace slowly burn. There's something oddly therapeutic about this, and I'm not exactly sure what. + +I was an angry kid. Just... I was BAD. There was so obviously a problem, but not one they could really do anything about. You can't really help a kid whose primary problem is ""thinks everyone wants to hurt him"". Doctors tried to fit me into these neat little diagnostic labels, even though nothing ever really fit. They tried to give me all these medications, even though nothing ever really worked. And when I only got worse, this only confirmed my original hypothesis. + +I'm still angry. At a society that doesn't believe victims of child abuse, sexual assault, violence... ANYTHING. I'm angry that I was given such a rough hand. Some might call this a ""sense of entitlement"", whatever that means (""Other people have it worse!"" said the better-off person.) But... fuck. I'm not demanding anything other than wanting to stay alive. + +I know what I need to do. I need to find a psychiatrist. A therapist. Probably a medication change. I've just been dealing with so much shit in my life that I've completely neglected my mental health. I've pretty much destroyed myself just trying to survive. Because I've been doing it all on my own and it's just... too much right now. + +A few years ago, I heard someone describe anger as a motivating force. I never understood this. To me, anger has only been a force of destruction... not unlike fire. If my anger is a small spark, my brain's reaction to feeling it is the equivalent of dousing it with gasoline. + +Yet kept in a small confined area, with a watchful eye, a fire can keep you warm. It can be a light in the dark. It serves a purpose. Fuck, sometimes it's just beautiful. And if I have a choice, I'm not going to freeze to death or live my life in the dark. + +I didn't even know where I was going with this post when I started. Strange how you can find meaning in everything around you.",Bipolar +50589,"Midday coffee? I should give it up right? +Because I’m kind of agitated/ amped up now and I should already be asleep. +Ideas for helping to calm down/ go to sleep? + +Tell me all about your experiences with caffeine and coffee, fellow bipolar people. + +One of the trains of thought running through my head right now is in my own language (gibberish) which makes me think maybe I can’t blame this all on coffee lmao",Bipolar +47042,"Not sure this is allowed — how to know if a loved one is suffering through an undiagnosed bipolar manic episode. Throwaway — I am worried he will read this, and will only make things worse. + +[Since December — he has hit all of the signs.](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/313571.php) + +Could also be asked this way — how did you know you had bipolar disorder.. and if it was from a severe manic episode, how did you get help and stop your manic behavior? I have a loved one going through what looks like it hits all the signs — and of course I could be wrong —but I’m not able to get through to them to get help, even at the risk of losing everything. I’m at a complete loss on what to do, if there’s even anything I can do. Thank you.",Bipolar +49840,"Considering dropping out of Uni (again) (21f) I've already dropped out of uni once before because it makes my episodes so much worse ig. First time I dropped out it was because of a depressive episode in which I severely self harmed and almost had another suicide attempt and was hospitalised again. + +Now I've been trying really hard w new meds and everything to be at least somewhat consistent w uni work and yet i had another self harm relapse and i had a hypomanic episode in which I did everything but uni work and now exams have come up again and I'm just going to fail them. +The guilt of all of my uni work going to shit bc of this really makes me want to just end myself because it just makes me feel like such a failure and weakling for giving in to the disorder or whatever. + +I just feel like I'm wasting everyones time with deluding myself that I can finish Uni like this. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. + +Also uni in my country doesn't have any kind of proper health leave or break system. Or a school therapist .",Bipolar +46926,"I feel so empty and don't know who I am I don't think I know what I'm looking for here. Maybe just a place where I can spew how I'm feeling out without being afraid of creating some kind of judgment or conflict. + +I have been having a growing identity crisis lately. Once I was diagnosed, my life was based around understanding my illness. Then it was about treating it. Then it became about maintaining it. Now that I've been maintaining it for nearly two years, I feel like I've completely lost myself in the process. + +I am on disability so don't work, live in a rural town so don't have a big social circle, and I used to get into a lot of different artsy projects, but since getting on my current med cocktail that actually seems to work, I've lost all drive and desire to be creative. I even pulled my art bag out in the hopes that I would want to pick things up and get messy...but nothing. I ended up putting it behind the end table in my living room so it is out of the way. + +I spend my days exercising, taking care of my dog, cat and husband, my house, cooking and watching tv/movies. And while I am a genuine cinephile - it's not enough; I feel so empty. Nothing about my life feels worth while anymore. I can't tell my husband before I sort this feeling out because he'll take it personally and I cannot handle that kind of conflict right now. + + +I literally cried myself to sleep last night (though that was provoked because right now my husband is sick with an infection for over a week and he can get a little brash when he doesn't feel well...I try not to take it personally, because it's not personal, it just can hit the right/wrong buttons). When I was showering today I was listening to music, and the song ""Try"" came on, and when Colbie Caillat sang ""You don't have to try so hard"" I just lost it. There was no trigger this time except the song. + +I've always really been interested in and invested in politics, but the way that politics have been for the last two years, I just feel like it is adding this constant weight to my heart. I am so so sad to see what has happened to our country. Everything feels like it's getting worse and I can't see the good happening in the world, anymore. So that hobby has become a very heavy emotional weight. + + +I just....I just feel empty and I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am other than a woman on disability with bipolar. I know others feel this way and that I'm not alone and I wish it made it better. I guess what I need is how to dig myself from out of this pit that is quickly burying me alive. ",Bipolar +50082,"Told my close friend I am bipolar I don’t tell anyone this, only my immediate family and one other friend knows. We were talking about one of our mutual friends who also struggles with mental health and I told her that I’m bipolar. She said, “Oh, that makes sense.” I’m more stable than I have been in years so hearing that was just like damn. Is it that obvious? How do people normally react when you tell them?",Bipolar +45945,I think part of the reason I'm bipolar is because I let external forces sway my opinion. Thoughts?,Bipolar +46811,"Is this something to worry about? so I just realised the appointment I have today is with an SHO, which means it’s someone so don’t know. Normally I have the same team of CPN and Psyc and it’s making me not want to go. I find it hard to talk about what’s going on to people I know let alone complete strangers. Have any of you had this problem?",Bipolar +50057,"How long is this gonna take?! I have bipolar one and my mom had it too, along with heavy drug use. She left when I was five. We had an on and off relationship (I tried) until I was 22. She died almost three years ago (April 1st will be three years) and it still hits me heavy. My question is, is three years still a “recent loss”? According to my psych it is apparently. What do u guys think?",Bipolar +49985,"Want to go off meds without getting divorced I want to go off of my meds. I’ve been on them for years but they are not helping enough anymore. I’ve gone off lithium before and that went fine. I tried going off Invega but I couldn’t keep my shit together. If I get the chance again, I’ll probably just lie to get off finally. I like lamictal but it has a lot of sideffects so I’d like to get off of that too. I love my sleep med roserum. I got off of and had really bad withdrawal from lorazepam but it helps my major panic issues. So I’d keep that but use it sparingly. + +My husband said he’d seriously consider divorcing me if I go off of my meds. I’m kind of devastated. We were together before I got diagnosed and medicated. We never had a bad relationship while I was off meds. I did some stupid shit occasionally but we got though it more easily than a lot of the shit I’ve done medicated. + +He drank like a fucking fish, got increasingly violent and acted like I shot him when I said I’d divorce him if he didn’t stop. He was sober 1 month. 1. And while infinitely better, still has episodes of drinking way too much. And I’m supposed to take it with a fucking smile. + +But how fucking dare I say I want to get off the stuff that give me side effects I don’t want to live with anymore. I’m even open to other medication, just not what I’m on currently, except maybe lamictal. + +I feel like a god damned zombie. I don’t want to die I just don’t want to live like this anymore.",Bipolar +46249,Neurofeedback results... Has anyone on here had any success with neurofeedback and their bipolar symptoms? My husband is starting soon and we were curious what others experiences were! Thanks in advance!,Bipolar +46002,I'm so unhappy with where my health is at. I'm overweight. I have constant headaches and my anxiety is through the roof. I had such a bad panic attack that I thought I was having a heart attack last week. I constantly have stomach pain. I'm so exhausted I can barely function. I can't focus. I have no motivation. I'm on 60mg of prozac and 40mg of Latuda and it doesn't seem to be doing much. I switched psychiatrists and I still have two more weeks until my first appointment. No doctor has been able to find the cause for my headaches/stomach aches and I'm beginning to think it's just anxiety related and nothing will ever help. I want to be functional again.,Bipolar +45742,seroquel vs abilify? what are your experiences with these two drugs? is abilify as sedating as seroquel?,Bipolar +46580,"“Lost my way, constantly pushing without rest within the harsh rainstorms” (My first post here because I stay in r/bipolar with my dumb memes lol) + +That’s some lyrics to one of my favorite songs. It’s Lost by BTS I found it a few years ago and I cry every time I hear the song, even more now that I connect it to my Bipolar. I lost everything when my symptoms got really bad. I lost my job, freedom, sanity and almost my life. Now to make sure I don’t go off the deep end again I constantly have to go to therapy and take medication. I’m going to have to watch everything I do for the rest of my life so I don’t trigger an episode. I have to push through the hardships and never give up even though sometimes it’s hard and I want to give up again like I did in the past. + +Sorry, I just wanted to share, it popped up in my playlist and even though it’s in Korean I still remember the lyrics and bawl my eyes out especially if I’m driving alone lol",Bipolar +46956,"BIPOLAR TOYS R US THEME SONG I wrote this for you. + +*Ahem* + +“I don’t wanna come down, +I’m a hypo-manic, +Everything in life right now is freaken terrific! +From sex to thoughts to fantasies, +I have the most energy there is, +GEE WIZ, +I don’t wanna come down, +Cause if I did, +I wouldn’t be a hypo-manic + +*applause* + +Yes. Yes. *bows* Thank you, everyone. ",Bipolar +46006,"Mania?? I was diagnosed with bipolar over 4 years ago. We have a difficult history. Last September I started a med (latuda 80mg) that actually works! I’m actually stable for the first time since I was diagnosed. + +I was super anxious last night and realized something. I quit my job this month. I’m impulsively spending and it’s causing issues in my relationship. I’m not sleeping much. I cut all my hair off yesterday after pulling an all nighter and I’ve been very anxious. I feel pretty shitty about myself and now I’m scared that I’m starting to lose control again. I made a therapy appointment and I talk to my psychiatrist again in a week.. +am I manic or am I just over thinking this?",Bipolar +49714,"What am I doing with my life. I guess you could say I’ve done a lot in my lifetime, but I feel like I’ve just failed a lot. Before I was diagnosed I was on the fast track to be a lawyer at 22. That didn’t happen and now I am divorced and jobless with a useless bachelor’s degree. I can’t take classes at my community college because I can’t afford them. I can’t take university classes because I’ve dropped classes so many times they won’t give me financial aid. I have terrible credit and I am deep in credit card, personal, and student loan debt. I try getting jobs but don’t stay at them for more than a few months. I just can’t bring myself to do things I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I need to do to survive I will still just quit. That’s why I’m in such a bad spot. I don’t know what to do with my life. People say just get a flexible part-time job doing easy stuff, but if I don’t enjoy it I will literally quit two months in. My parent’s have been supporting me my entire life, even when I was married (my ex was a loser). I feel so bad for them to have this failure of a child. I’m not eligible for disability because I haven’t worked enough hours and I'm not eligible for SSI because my parents provide me with everything. Not that I could live off of either of those anyways. I’m so frustrated with myself. I'm not sure if I have any hopes or dreams left. I don’t know if I need advice or just to vent, but here I am.",Bipolar +46973,"Overanalyzing...or not 41/f, diagnosed 18 months ago, not sure if 1 or 2. + +I broke up with my bf of nearly two years 2 months ago. When we first got together I was not diagnosed. We fought a lot and nearly broke up twice (due to my impulsivity) before I was diagnosed. I started meds and definitely felt better but we still fought a lot and I still felt impulses to break up, but never argued or acted on it. I also have GAD. Being on an SSRI is what lead to my diagnosis because it made me manic. I've tried Buspar but it didn't help at all, so I just do my best to cope with it. + +Ex-bf has ADD, anxiety, and depression and smokes large amounts of pot to cope. Hates pharmaceuticals and therapy. He was not supportive of me starting meds and thought pot was all I needed. Didn't like me going to therapy because I should be going to him, my partner, with my troubles. + +He was intolerable when he wasn't high. Sweet as could be when he was, which was most of the time. When he'd run out and couldn't get any, I'd be on eggshells. + +He ran out and was incredibly irritable and said something very painful and I was crushed. I thought about it for about half an hour and then broke up with him. For a couple of weeks after the breakup I was sure it was impulsivity and I'd made a huge mistake because regardless of his flaws, I still love him. + +Now that I'm two months out, my constant sky high anxiety while with him is now quite manageable. I'm eating better, exercising (which I quit when I was with him), reclaiming my social life, restarted therapy, and generally feel much better. I don't think I made a mistake because the thought of getting back together is not attractive at all. + +But what all of this boils down to is, what part of all this is me, and what part is the disease? Was it sheer impulse that lead me to leave, or was I just unable to deal with his crap anymore? Is the energy I feel hypomania or is it just getting my life in order? And if it's the disease...how can anyone deal with this long term? It's exhausting. + +I want another relationship. Not right now, I've no interest in dating and want to get some debt paid down before I meet anyone, debt NOT incurred by impulse spending. But sometime down the road I do. I don't know how people deal with BP in their partner. I don't even know how to broach it with someone. I know my actions early in my relationship with my ex hurt him, and I feel deep regret for that. I know living with me was really hard on him and I fear doing that to another person. + +If you've read all this, thanks for ""listening."" I'm not sure if I'm looking at things objectively. I try, but I just don't know.",Bipolar +46103,"What personality traits do you associate with being Bipolar or Bipolar 2? At the age of 47 I’ve just been given a diagnosis of Bipolar 2. I’m looking back through my life and wondering what aspects of myself are related and which aren’t. I’ve listed the ones I can think of below - very interested to see who can relate, or what people’s differences might be. +- indecisive about what career direction to take +- Been a teacher, website manager, aged carer, Rehab counsellor and counting. +- Artistic/creative/crafty +- Love the planning/ideas phase of projects but find the execution becomes boring and I don’t finish off +- Get inspired and enthusiastic about one topic or activity for a while, thinking about it a lot, engage in it almost in an obsessive manner (but often without finishing projects), talk about it to other people ... and then suddenly lose interest. +- Intimate relationships are topsy-turvy - I’ve been with my SO for 20 years now, but many times in our relationship I’ve had one foot in and one foot out - feel sure and committed, then feel like I’m with the wrong person ... marriage is needless to say very precarious atm because I have hurt my SO so much :( +",Bipolar +45966,"I gave up my old career in return for a happier, healthier life. I went to medical school as a healthy, bright 18 year old, but within the first year I had my first major depressive episode and suicide attempt. At 19 I had my first manic phase - a month long binge with multiple sexual partners, drug use, and irrepressible urges to study all night. Spontaneous and irresponsible acts were my forte; I decided that Morocco was my spirit country, and whisked myself off the next day. I gained a reputation amongst my friends as mercurial and fun, but inside I was imploding; my second suicide attempt followed the month after. + +In my mind the problem was Medicine. This stressful, hypercompetitive environment was obviously causing my mood swings; no way was this an organic health problem. So I left med school at the beginning of 4th year, and began teaching Maths - and I was great at it! This career change had solved all of my problems, and I was tippety top flying high fantastic! Life couldn't get better, right? + +Wrong. The depression came back, harder than ever, sending me spiralling down into a deep, dark chasm. I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed properly, treated and sent on my way a month later, armed with mood stabilisers, CBT worksheets and a new found passion for yoga. I thought I could just ride the wave, surfing with the sun on my face when times were good, and paddling against the tide when times got bad. I never imagined I'd be dragged under again. + +But I was. The stress of teaching caught up. The long hours, the constant need to be 'on' and engaging, the marking, the data tracking, the free time spent planning, the expectations, the meetings - they slowly pulled me down until I was drowning, exhausted from fighting the tide, and ready to accept defeat. + +But three months ago I stopped fighting. I left teaching, and I felt the wave pull me up, lifting me toward the surface. Each day that I got up was a victory that brought me closer to sunlight. I chose to leave behind the stress that was threatening my survival and anchoring me to the ocean floor and I put myself first. + +In a few weeks time I start a job working part time as an activities coordinator for the same psychiatric hospital group that I was admitted as an inpatient to. I tutor for an online company, and I'm happy. + +I'm not dipping and diving on the surf with the wind rushing past, but I'm not inhaling salty foam beneath the surface either. I'm just sitting on my board, content to be.",Bipolar +50419,,Bipolar +46137,"Question about seroquel Hi everyone. I'm not sure if there is a better place to ask this. I'm not bipolar but I am prescribed seroquel which I know is common for bipolar so maybe someone here has some advice or info + +I am on 150mg/day of seroquel. Been on that dose i believe for about 8 months. I was also in a car crash around the same time I started on this dose, prior to that I was taking 25mg every few days for sleep. + +I've noticed since then that I am having awful muscle aches and pains. I noticed it in my back first and got physio thinking it was from the car accident (which wasn't a bad accident but I didn't know what else it could be). The physio helped some but I'm noticing other muscles are hurting a lot, every day. My right arm will get numbness a fair amount and extreme pain. I'll also have random areas (eg. Lower leg) that will start hurting for a day then go away. Is this common? Could it be the seroquel? I want to come off it but not sure how fast I can do so. + +Any help would be very appreciated! ",Bipolar +46097,"Switching from Zyprexa to Geodan weight gain I've been on zyprexa 2.5mg and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. I've been eating very healthy and exercising, yet I gained an incredible amount in a short period. My pdoc is switching me to Geodan. Anyone have any luck losing weight when switching to another AP? + +Any suggestions on how to lose the weight from Zyprexa? ",Bipolar +45576,"Medication advice- Divalproex Hi guys, this is my first post so I apologize for any mistakes!! So my psych prescribed me divalproex (generic Depakote) and its really been helping me. But when I went to pick up my refill, the pharmacy told me that it was now $114 instead of the usual $10 I pay for it. + +Have you had this experience? I don’t understand why the price would raise by more than $100 in less than a month. I didn’t switch insurance or anything. I called my insurance company and they just said “the price of the medication rose this year”. + +What should I do? Should I ask my psych to switch mood stabilizers for me? I really don’t want to switch up my medication again. I was just starting to feel normal again after months of hypomania. + +Thanks in advance! ",Bipolar +46351,"Is this me? /off my chest/ I'm not asking legit medical advice, all I'm wondering is some direction in why I am the way I am. and at the same time it's a bit of an / off my chest /. I've never felt quiet right, but I tried to accept it as I never wanted to be categorized as someone who's mentally ill. But lately I notice I'm getting worse and the only way to describe it for me when I found the word 'Manic depression'/'Bipolar'. It's as if I felt understood for the first time. A lot of my time I spend alone on my room, except when I go out to meet friends. So my family doesn't know much of my personality. Last summer I had a job at the same restaurant my sister works and she/coworkers noticed how I'm often staring into space while smiling, and this is a big part of me. Whenever I experience this full on power high feeling, as described by people during manic depression, I get lost in my fantasies and I feel as if the world surrounding me no longer exist and build up whole scenario's and imagine people to be near me. For example I would imagine to be in a big house, while holding a conversation with a person I want to speak with and I would laugh at their jokes as if it were their jokes. most of the time my life is amazing in these deep daydreams, sometimes they could be described as another persons nightmare. I'm not even hating this. I feel a part of it is a coping mechanism which goes hand in hand with my natural creativity. And I love the force of energy I have during these moments. How I can smile as if I'm drunk just by staring and thinking about all the amazing things i can accomplish. by thinking how charming I am. And then the next second I could cry. I'm not sure if it's how I really feel, sad. Or if it's an overload of happiness that makes me sad in the moment. ButI really burst of energy in which I actually do accomplish a lot. I know it's not a healthy me, but it's the best version of myself if I want to get things done. I feel as if it isn't totally me, but more a phase. But I love who I am during this phase. Because the other part of me is depressed and has no energy. I hate admitting to this part, because while I know my life situation sucks and would had likely made anyone insane, and as I have experienced horrible things and have anxiety, I hate accepting that a big other side of me is useless by depression. As I feel like I'm constantly trying to fight it and these moments of feeling high/happy actually make me feel at times as if I'm on the right track. But now I read more about this subject, I feel I'm not winning any battle at all when feeling high on energy, is just another extreme on the spectrum. The weirdest thing I have done in these daydreams is travel to another country because I felt like i could(financielle it wasnt the greatest choice), like it could be amazing. I fell asleep in the airplane and once I woke up i was wondering what I was doing. I don't regret it and still had an okay time for a couple of days, but i do notice it isn't normal behaviour and cried one night wishing to be home again. + + +I'm planning to upload soon a cover of me singing on the internet, but i'm slightly afraid of the attention among friends I will get, as it will likely impact my emotions. I'm not into getting attention as it will bring out either side of me, but I never know which one. Sigh, will be a rollercoaster. ",Bipolar +45636,Zyprexa withdrawal. I wasn't able to get a ride to an appointment to refill my meds so now I'm going to be without my zyprexa until next week. Does anybody have any experience with withdrawal effects? What should I expect? I was taking 15mg daily. ,Bipolar +50468,"How do I stop obsessing over someone, it’s Getting bad I dated a girl 5 months ago for only 5 dates but things got really intense then she left me for someone else. I’m so desperately trying to let it go cuz it be best for both of us, but when I fall for someone it’s not something I can let go as much as I try. I have a full and enriching life, I’ve been really trying to dive into my activities full ass but as soon as I have a second to myself I spiral. + +I keep texting her late at night basically crying to her how much I miss her and how much she meant to me. I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked me or told me to get over it cuz at this point I hate to say it I’m getting to the point I’m obsessive. I don’t stalk her at all, I just think about her all day and I can hardly focus at work. + +I don’t really drink but I’ve been drinking alone at night, I think about relapsing on drugs cuz I just don’t want to feel anymore but fucking fentanyl in my DOC ruins it. + +I have abandonment issues but no amount of meds, progres in life, friends or therapy has helped, only when I date someone I feel whole and I think if someone stuck around I could realize not everyone’s gonna leave me in 2 seconds but I have yet to have any evidence it’s not like that. + +Pls help, I feel pathetic, I’m just hurting so bad. I’ve had some really bad shit happen in my life but I’d endure any of that if somehow that would get her back",Bipolar +45764,Donald trump news conference Anyone just watch this live? Pretty sure he was referring to mentally ill as sickos and that we need to be institutionalized ????????? wtf? ,Bipolar +50317,"So I'm diagnosed with Bi Polar 1 and I'm just and angry psycho.....nothing really helps me. I'm super motivated and driven.I work hard and are succesful.I have the typical loss of memory and can't focus a lot of the time but have found ways to get passed it. + +I have an anger issue however.Go against me, an im just like fuck you!You know? + +Like tell me I do something slightly wrong and I will be like ""Then fucking show me dumbass"" + +I do everything alone as a result. + +I succeed and make friends. I just ignore them and avoid everyone once I do. + +I run a successful FB account and recently had a manic episode where I lashed out at everyone.For no reason just spazzing. It resulted in people acting very petty and as a result I just got worse and worse. + + +I feel like its getting more annoying as time goes on. Like eventually someone with the wrong attitude is going to want to get into an altercation with me. + +My medications have helped and talking to a therapist helps. But I cannot seem to just control this rush of adrenaline I get over every little thing. like the movie Crank but with normal stuff. + +Any one else have this issue?",Bipolar +50370,"Trying to fix all the damage I caused Long story short, I was diagnosed with depression back in 2021 after a rough year and 2 failed suicide attempts December 2021. Physically and mentally I made a full recovery by May 2022, my ex of 7 years cheated on me in June and I surprisingly dealt with it really well. I’d been off work March-September due to factors outside my control which was stressful but again, I dealt with it well. I returned to work and on one of my first days back the most beautiful woman I had ever seen walked into the office. I’m a confident bloke but I was nervous AF! I spoke to her for a bit and thought there would be no way she would like me, fast forward a few hours later and she’d requested to follow me on instagram and we got chatting. We met shortly after for a date and it was like we’d know each other years, best date ever. From this point we both took it slow and just let things happen naturally. The connection we had was unlike any other and for both of us to feel the same was just unreal. I asked her to be my girlfriend in October and she was genuinely excited about it, this made me realise I’d found someone special. Shortly after this I had a serious family emergency and that was ongoing till January, she was my rock, my guardian angel throughout this whole ordeal. I’m 29 and I’ve cared for people a lot in relationships but never been in love despite them all being long term. I thought I was incapable but this woman changed that and she’s the first I’ve ever loved, and hopefully the last. On 02/01/23 the family emergency situation came to a close with expected but still devastated news. From this day on my mental health started to deteriorate but predictably, nothing too rapid. 05/01/23 I went over to my Nan’s house late at night after work to drop a birthday card off for her birthday the following day. I walked in to find her dead on the kitchen floor, this was the day I deteriorated rapidly. I needed my girlfriend desperately for support but I was just far too much to deal with. I wasn’t just depressed, this time it was different. I was awake 4-8 days regularly and would only sleep when I’d black out. I was exhausted but completely and utterly hyper fixated on anything that came into my head. Because it was my girlfriend who had become distant I stupidly bombarded her with messages begging for help and reminding her how much I love her. She wasn’t leaving me she just needed space and I could cope on my own. 20/02/23 2 men tried to steal my car and I managed to keep the car and defend myself but suffered some bad injuries in the process. I was hit 11 times with a knuckle duster and 40+ times by the other bloke with just his fists. I was left with 4 skull fractures, fractured orbital bone, broken nose and broke jaw. I’m an ex professional Muay Thai fighter so I’m used to a certain level of pain and discomfort but this was different, although I now have slurred speech, blind in my right eye and have lost substantial weight this hurt me mentally. I started to have panic attacks and I was going through episodes of what can only be described as mania and borderline psychosis. Again I continued begging my girlfriend for help and pushed her even further away, shortly after this she ended things. She made the right decision because I was horrendous and I was dragging her down. This present day I’m on the mend now and I barely remember any of it, the days all merged as one. It feels like someone else has been living/wrecking my life and last week I woke up and have been given it back. I’m now trying to fix all the damage I’ve caused, I’ve lost most of my friends, family and the love of my life. I’ll never give up on her but for now I can only love her from a distance. I hope one day soon she forgives me and wants to speak again but I also need to get some advice if anyone has experienced this before. I’ve spoke to numerous Dr’s in and outside the hospital but have just been dismissed as I struggle explaining it and play it down. Thanks in advance and apologies for the long read",Bipolar +46047,"Depression thoughts... I feel like my biggest issue when I’m depressed is overthinking. I’m so scared of things dying. It’s like my worst irrational fear that I obsess over. I don’t mind death myself (not suicidal) but I mean like if I died right now, it wouldn’t scare me. I’m mainly just scared my wife will get cancer suddenly and leave me alone or I will walk in my house one day and my cat will be dead. I don’t know why but it freaks me out. Anyone else?",Bipolar +49699,"do you have to abstain from alcohol with this disorder? Just diagnosed after coming down from a hypomanic episode that resulted in a LOT of binge drinking. Is alcohol out of the question for someone like me? I am starting medication tomorrow and while I know I have a problem, I am hoping I can still participate in the occasional wedding/birthday champagne toast. :(",Bipolar +46102,"Insomnia from missing my seroquel dose I missed my dose earlier this week and my mood definitely went to the upside. Not full blown hypomania, but I'm happier than what i was going through before. +I can't sleep more than a couple hours at a time now, even right after the seroquel. I'm wondering if my sleep will ever get back on track. + +Hopefully this is not a mood swing thats going to end me up in depression. I also have some emergency zyprexa on hand in case i need to take it there. Anyone else go through this?",Bipolar +46664,"An interesting title I read a lot but don’t write much, anxiety but today is different this is the longest cycle I’ve ever gone thru and am beginning to wonder when it will end, over and over I lose myself I lose all that I love and I begin to love the mania. +I won’t hang from the rafters but I can love this part of me and live like this. Bring it on world ?? bring on the pain and misery. ??",Bipolar +45417,How do you deal with your kids while on a manic? I just need some advice or coping help. ,Bipolar +46433,"Tegretol I got prescribed tegretol today for bipolar 2. Just wondering what I should expect to feel. I guess I thought that this feeling was just happiness but apparently it's mania? Kind of a shock to me actually but it makes sense. What does it feel like to be on a med like this? I've been taking zoloft for about 5 months and that's what triggered this mania. Waiting on my insurance to get tegretol( 200mg 2x daily). + + + + +Thanks.",Bipolar +46945,"Tired on Abilify so i was officially diagnosed 2 days ago as bipolar and my doctor has prescribed me 15mgs of abilify. im about 5’9 and 110lbs and i feel like im a zombie. today is day 2 of the meds, and im exhausted. yesterday i woke up feeling almost like i was hungover i felt nauseous, dizzy, and hot. today i was a bit dizzy when waking up and after about 3 hours of jitteryness i just feel exhausted. im at work in the back ready to pass out sleeping at any moment. does this go away? will this tiredness adjust as i adjust to the meds?",Bipolar +50067,Work issues I always find myself having a very bad time at work ( customer service/retail). Basically I've been put as a manger for 2 weeks to fill in for my boss who's off. I find myself stressing 24/7 abkut work even when im not at work. When im at work im on the verge of crying and having a breakdown. Today I had to leave work early because of this and I feel fuckkng terrible about doing so. Does anyone else have these sorts of issues? Do you feel bad about them?,Bipolar +45902,"Geodon causing hypomania or coincidence? I'm definitely at the beginning stage of hypomania and it definitely started at the same time I started Geodon (and I'm definitely calling my doctor tomorrow). My heart has been racing like crazy too. Super weird because it's a super low ""let's put you on this for 6 weeks so your HMO will pay for Abilify or Seroquel XR"" dose of only 20mg once a day. I'm not sure if that's even a quarter of a therapeutic dose. + +I can't find anything but some anecdotal evidence on the internet (including one post here from a year ago). Could just be a coincidental timing deal. Anyone have a further anecdote to add? + +On the plus side- my house is finally clean.",Bipolar +46508,"I don't want to keep taking medicine, it's pointless. I've been taking medicine for the last 7 months, and I'm tired of it. I track my mood multiple times a day and it's pretty much just neutral all the time. I don't really think I need to take medicine, cause I feel like this is just my normal self that's having these neutral emotions. Like, I don't feel empty or emotionless or anything like that, I just feel generally peppy all the time. + +But, I'm afraid that if I do actually quit taking my medicine then something bad will happen and I'll ruin my life at the ripe old age of 21. I also keep having the thoughts of quitting my medicine so I can drink again even though I haven't drank since last May. + +So, how do you know if you actually need mood stabilizers or if it's your normal self that's having stable moods on its own. I don't even feel like the same person I was last summer before I started taking my medicine, but I also think I was relatively normal before that summer also.",Bipolar +50516,"Allergic to Lamictal I've been taking Lamictal for three years now. From the beginning it has been apparent that I am allergic to it. A very strange kind of reaction, my hands start to burn (inside my skin, if you touch my hands they are normal temperature), and then they start to itch. They burn and itch so much I end up putting them under water constantly. + +I started taking some antihistamines with it and I've been ok for three years. This med has changed my life, like entirely. It made me stable, able to hold a job, and so much more. I can't live without it. + +But recently, my hands started to itch again. Slowly. I take my antihistamine in the evening, I'm fine all day long the following day, and then in the evening it starts to itch again. My overall skin as well. + +I'm worried I will have to stop taking my Lamictal. It has been wonderful. No side effects whatsoever. If I stop taking it, I won't take any other medication because I don't want to gain weight, or hurt my kidneys. + +Have any of you gone through something similar? With allergies? I talked to a pharmacist when I started doing this and they told me I couldn't become resistant to antihistamines. I'm starting to doubt this...",Bipolar +46248,What does Lamictal feel like? I just started lamictal and am wondering what it feels like at therapeutic doses?,Bipolar +50148,"16 & bipolar I’m 16 diagnosed Bipolar 1, eBPD, ADHD, PTSD, GAD, social anxiety and my question is wtf do y’all do to cope??💀 + +I’ve tried 10+ meds, therapy, IOP, PHP, inpatient, and I’m still not doing any better. + +so i’m curious, what helps/helped you?",Bipolar +50567,"Sexual consent during psychotic manic episodes Can consent for sexual acts be given during psychotic manic episodes? Visual hallucinations seeing other people's faces on different people, auras around people, massive delusions, euphoria, etc involved. How debilitated must one be to not be able to give consent?",Bipolar +50652,"Stable for years Hey everyone + +thanks for taking time to read this. + +I've question to everyone here who is stable for more than 5 years. + +What are the things that helped you for being stable ?",Bipolar +50322,"Do we have any other bipolar nurses here? I notice myself switching jobs quite often.... I just applied for an inpatient psych unit, hoping to God that I get in. + +I need more money. But this disability makes it so fucking hard. + +I work in case management currently, mostly doing education for patients in the clinic. It's a low profile job and it doesn't pay that great for what I need. I'm afraid one day we won't be able to pay for the essentials... + +I've worked the floor, rehab, research, home health, and now my current job. + + +I've hated everything. I keep getting depressed. Then I want to change jobs again. I can only hope that my current application will go through.... + +I need more money. And I need those students loan repayments that they offer. I have great health insurance through where I work currently but again it just simply does not pay enough for me. + +Can anyone else relate to this? I really hate my life right now...",Bipolar +49822,"Tips on finding employment after quitting job due to BP? This is all very hypothetical for myself, but I'm hoping others reading have insight. I am in the US. + +I'm in a job that often triggers me for various reasons. I've been in a almost constant depressive episode for the past almost two months. The exception is some hours of natural ease/happiness from spending time with a few nonjudgmental friends throughout that time. My work performance has tanked and it's becoming an issue. I have coworkers talking to my boss about it, and I don't blame them, but my boss is trying to be nice about it to a degree that makes me worry that I'm taking his reputation. + +I will be doing an out-patient treatment program in the next few weeks. I am already on intermittent FMLA, but the current plan (which i do not like much) is to do part-time work in the afternoons at my current job while i do the program in the mornings. + +I just had an anxiety attack after getting a phonecall from my boss to talk about it. I feel like the end is near, but my boss and a few coworkers are still trying to be on my side and I see that. However, i need to leave sooner or later. I used references to get this job (I've been in it for just under a year) that were absolutely glowing from people I respect. Quitting is embarrassing for me and I wonder how much it will reflect on them. I don't feel comfortable using them as references any more. I have a long job history on my resume, with a new job about every three years. But i think it will look weird if i don't use anyone from those jobs as references. + +My main question is: +Assuming I don't have references, how do I find a job? + +I'm 30, I live alone because I have a hard time with roommates. I know i can be ""the problem,"" but I always try to resolve any conflict and the older I've gotten the better I've gotten, but I also am in a difficult place emotionally and am having a hard time focusing and functioning. I feel like I'm at the edge and yet there's a light at the end of the tunnel of treatment if i can just figure out how to do this job a little bit longer and find something else that can help me keep my home and continue my medications and therapy. + +Feels like a tall order. + +TL;DR: Assuming I don't have references, how do I find a job as someone in their 30s?",Bipolar +50282,Manic Ep? What are the signs? I feel like my over obsession over a small incident this morning is an indication of a manic episode because now I’ve been feeling sad and depleted. How long after diagnosis did you start being able to notice the signs?,Bipolar +49797,My Tattoos are done healing (mostly I think) I got these 2 a while back. The semicolon healed poorly and I had to go back for a touch up. The other one also needed some minor adjustments. But now at least they don't look gross. Very happy with them and they are my first 2 Tattoos.,Bipolar +46420,"My Mind Wont Stop! I have been getting very little sleep and despite taking my meds i think I am going manic. + +I am struggling with crazy OCD like thoughts running through my mind non stop, so fast I can't keep up and it's making me upset! I just want to catch and hold on to ONE thought for ONE minute at least but I am finding it so hard to concentrate on ANYTHING. + +You know how you get that ear worm of music? Well this is an ear worm of constant non stop thoughts. And the voice is not my own (I dont recognize it as such anyways) anymore. And It's getting louder. + +I sometimes hear my name being called out, or laughter. It's weird. I never heard the laughter before. I wonder whats so funny?",Bipolar +46158,"Starting to worry I was misdiagnosed, please help. Okay so I've been medicated for 3.5 years now after the initial symptoms started (extremely rapid mood swings) after a nervous breakdown. And since I've been medicated I haven't had any kind of significant mood swings. + +Except I do still have minor mood swings but nothing like before and I'm wondering if I'm actually borderline instead. + +So my question is, how well do meds work? Will they always keep me truly stable 100% of the time? Is it normal to get into an episode while medicated? + +Thanks!",Bipolar +45879,Someone please help me explain please I don]'t know what's happening right now but my head it's wrong. we went to watch a movie but i get stuck inside the story do you know what i mean? i want to sit and phase out of the story when there are credits but he doesn't understand so i dont know why but started getting emotional walking home and things were getting worse and he said i wasn't being normal and i got scared becuas you know when things are what they are in your head but someone is basically telling me i can't trust that so i just have to imagine what it's actually like and he said he's hurt that id think he was going to grab me or but i told him i thought he was going to call the police or something but i dont know how to explain. he doesnt know doesnt understand but how do i say how things are in my head that i dont know whats actually happening. i know objectively its not real that its a sickness that i'm wrong in the head but it doesnt make it any less LESS. so i say im scared and confused and i don tknow what to trust really and things are just ODD but i dont know who to tell or what to say so can someone please try and explain what its like if you know. i dont know how to explain but somepeople do but how do i find explanations?? someone please help thank you,Bipolar +45630,"Lithium day 3, placebo? Day 3 of Lithium. I’m at 300mg twice daily. Feeling very good. I don’t feel like I have little “mood threads” hanging off me that can get snagged on stuff and unravel my mind. + +Could I be feeling it this soon? I also discontinued Lexapro yesterday, I could also be feeling good now that I’m off the Lex, I suppose.",Bipolar +49594,"Can music be too much? DAE feel music too deeply? There are some songs that are visceral triggers for me both positively and negatively. + +I stumbled upon JoJo’s ‘Say Love’ recently and I literally sob every time I hear it, so naturally I over play it. + +Just wondering if anyone has this same reaction to music and if so, what are your songs?",Bipolar +47081,"A mother’s letter about forgiveness and psychsosis I just wanted to share a letter my mother (schizoaffective/BP I) wrote to me (bp II). + +I have been here under many different usernames but the gist of it is that my mother, who I love with all of my heart, has been psychotic many times while I have grown up and the rest of my family has frequently abandoned her. She seems sometimes evil and terrifying and I can’t blame those who are less educated for being fearful. + +But I feel that this letter she wrote me encompasses how human we still are in psychosis. Just because our reality is different doesn’t mean we are any less human or have any less capacity for love or caring. You are never less than simply because the reality around you changes. + +I will say I am immensely traumatized by my mothers psychosis and wouldn’t wish it on anyone or anyone’s loved ones, but I would give up anything to be there for my mother and to have lived this life being able to love and care for her. + +Her letter: + +I've wanted to write about this for a long time, but the memory is so special to me, I wanted the writing to do it justice. But it just hit me that it is a good birthday sending. + +Do you remember those flesh colored-flats you had? They triggered my (manic) thought, ""walk a mile in Lilychickadees shoes."" I bought some just like them at Walmart and would wear them when I wanted to keep you with me in spirit. Because every time I go manic, 'They' always say, ""Lilychickadee is the strong one."" + +Last spring, I had maybe three months when I was manic, but not in the hospital. You dad wouldn't let me drive (smart man), so I took the bus everywhere. One day I had a caseworker appointment in Edinburg. I took the bus to the depot in downtown M, and from there another bus to E. I told the driver to tell me when we got to FG. He did, and I got off. I didn't realize I got off on J. Do you know how far J is from the Expressway where My hospital is located on FG? Miles. hahahaha. + +So I started walking down FG. In my mania it seemed as though the expressway moved further away from me as I walked! I'm very serious about that. Suddenly that purple purse I was carrying like a baby transformed into you (I used to carry you everywhere when you were a baby and the way that feels apparently doesn't leave a mother's memory.) I was carrying you, keeping in mind how I need to walk in your shoes. I was so so so distraught by the thought of you traumatized when taking care of me in my mania/psychosis. I walked and walked and walked and walked. And walked while Expressway moved further away. You never left my mind as I carried you and walked. It turned into a way for me to prove my love for you after all you've suffered for me. I thought I would walk and carry you like this forever if it meant you could experience some ease after struggling so hard. + +I barely made it before TT closed, and my caseworker (who I had never seen before) took so long it was the night before we left for her to drive me home. She took Expressway and do you know, every single light: car lights, traffic lights, expressway signs and billboards, businesses--everything that had a light, that light looked incandescent like you see psychedelic colors portrayed. I rode with my mouth open! All I could think is that heaven had come to earth--as in the Lord's Prayer: ""Thy Kingdom come."" + +I felt <God> giving his approval for how unquestionably and unfalteringly I proved my love for you. Which made me think He set the ordeal up in the first place! + +Lights--I emphasize that it was Light--have never shone like that for me again. + +You are so special. +My love for you is unparalleled. +Happy Birthday.",Bipolar +46851,Abilify I’ve been on abilify since the beginning of March and it seems to be working pretty well so far. My only issue is with the side effects. I have blurry vision and I’m extremely tired even though I take the medicine at night. Does anybody know if the symptoms will clear up eventually?,Bipolar +46106,"Finding help Hi + +So, I don’t know how to start this, I don’t know If I’m bipolar but that’s what I’m looking to find out. Since late middle school I’ve felt depressive moods/ cut myself for 3years, started partying doing drugs and drinking at a really young age and got pretty promiscuous. I never thought I was depressed because sometimes I’d feel really happy and I was capable of that. I thought I was schizophrenic because sometimes I feel delusional or lately I’ve started kind of seeing things or just being extremely terrified of seeing things. I even started to hear my dog choke the other day and when I yelled about it to my sister she said she heard nothing. I just learned that people who are bipolar have delusions and hallucinations, so that part makes sense. I don’t do drugs or cut myself anymore and after those things I tried really hard to clean up my act and managed to do very good in school and still am, but I have absolutely no motivation and I get distracted SO EASILY like not even adderall will help me (again I thought I had adhd but found out this is also a symptom of being bipolar). My mom will sometimes call me “squirrel” because I’ll talk so fast and leap from topic to topic, but other times I can’t even talk to anyone because I get so irritated. I also have weird sleep patterns, I can’t go to bed even when I’m tired and I feel the need to sleep for an incredibly long time most of the time. I also just hate myself, I hate how I look so much, despite constantly being praised for what I look like and whT I achieve. I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or If I have general anxiety disorder or if I’m bipolar... I’m scared to reach out snd get help, I don’t know how. I get so hysterical and I cry so easily and I am so incredibly anxious. My family doctor is an asshole and my family would completely destroy me if they found out I was getting therapy (when they were alerted by my teacher who found out I was cutting myself my mom was sad for about a minute) and to this day 5-6yrs since they found out my dad will stay make fun of me for being “depressed” about “nothing” and cutting myself. None of them understand mental illness or why anyone with privilege would be mentally ill (because they grew up in communist poland and had to escape and they were “fine”) so I just feel stuck but I hate feeling like this I dont know what to do. + +Tldr; i feel like i could be bipolar but i’m unsure, I don’t know what to do or how to get help. Family would kill me if they knew. ",Bipolar +46816,Does anyone have a recommendation for a good pill cutter? The two I have blow.,Bipolar +46039,"Help: Explaining to my family Hello! I was recently diagnosed (eh, sort of. The doctor agrees I'm bipolar but she doesn't like labels, and she's trying me on antidepressants first since my hypomania isn't terrible quite yet) and so... since I'm only 20 and on my parents' insurance, I had to tell them about what's going on. My mom just asked me how I'm feeling on my new medication and I explained to her that it's too soon to tell. However, that question sort of evolved into a conversation about what depressive episodes even feel like and I... got stuck trying to explain. + +How would you explain depression and hypomania to someone who hasn't experienced either? I need to be able to explain this to my mom, and also to my younger brother, who is 16. If there's any resources I could link them, I'd very much appreciate that too.",Bipolar +49702,"I need some warm people with me I'm M30, from Brazil and fortunately we have not the best health care provide by a government, but it’s something. So on… I’m been diagnosed as bipolar a 3 years ago a now a new doctor that met in last December took my case and I feelling she is doing her best to help me. I’m taking Lithium 900mg, Depakene 1500mg, Rivotril 0,5 mg (if panic attacks ou a huge anxiety crisis) and plus zolpidem 10mg for sleep. We started very low, I tried a few days only with lithium and it puts me in a major depression, then we started Depakene, kind help, but I’m still feeling stuck in my depressive cycle. My question to all of you is: how long did you take meds until your stability? I swear I can’t hold on anymore. I want be the person I used to be, have a job, have some dreams, take care of my appearance etc. TAB is so fucking unfair, how I hate TAB.",Bipolar +50008,"Signs of stability Guys, I think I'm stabilizing. I sat down and painted for 3 hours yesterday and wasn't too restless to sit still. I am turning the music down to a reasonable volume instead of blasting it. I'm cleaning. I am having thoughts of budgets and time management. I feel like a different person with both feet on planet earth. What are signs you are starting to do well? Wishing you all stability and happiness.",Bipolar +46563,"Titrating down Desvenlafaxine -50 mg / Lamotrigine -50 mg - What can I expect? Stepping down off of Pristiq from 100 to 50 mg and Lamictal from 200 to 150. + +What can I expect when titrating down on these medications? ",Bipolar +49536,,Bipolar +46009,"Now that I'm finally balancing out I'm terrified how much of my life has passed and how bad I screwed things up It's been a long road but I've finally begun to get some normalcy in my life. I really went down the tubes for a while, a long while, and I made a lot of decisions that have left my ""old life "" way in the past. + +I feel like I have a twin, old life me, who had the life I wanted to have. Then it all fell to shit. Then there's current me, the remaining other twin, who's life is, well, crap. I mean I'm a loser, not being down, I just am. + +The thing that really freaks me out though is when I look back - so much time has passed, yet I feel stuck in cement, going nowhere. + +I had suicidal ideation for years, bad, and that's gone away lately. Which is cool. I actually want to live again, only problem is I can't shake the horror of all the time that's passed and how bad I fucked everything up and how low I have sunk. + +Anyone else deal with this? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. ",Bipolar +46300,"Hypomanic af, if people only knew + +Long story short the drugstore that provides my prescription fucked it up and I took medication that triggered hypomania. Luckily its the weekend now and I can keep it simple. I slept 1.5 hrs the last two nights. My gf is concerned as I've been distant but really im just trying to shield her. I was supposed to hang out with people and cancelled bc of this shit and ppl are annoyed. I've shut myself in my room and will only allow my roommate (who also has a mental illness) to see me. I work out in the gym in my apartment building and return to my room. I get anxiety attacks and vomit, my hypersexuality is out of control, the voices want me to be destructive, as a release I suppose. So I've been pouring myself out on reddit and doing lots of art. Fuck this is not easy. I am being vigilant; these are the times I hurt myself and other people and make very bad decisions. My whole body is buzzing and the thoughts won't stop. I've been working out three times a day to try to tire myself out and shut my mind off. I've scrubbed every inch of the apartment. Vigorous cleaning and organizing is always a tip-off that I am in a hypomanic cycle. Going to do some yoga before bed. I keep telling myself its a process and it will take time before I can retrain my brain and body to continue to choose helpful coping. My body is so amped and my mind racing, I want someone to tranquillize me and let me sleep for 100 years. Grateful this isn't my norm anymore. A sad and worn bean. Its fucked up because some friends tell me they are jealous of me bc of how I look and the attention I receive, how social they perceive me to be but what the fuck is that worth when your brain hates you and wants you to die. Anyway I know this will pass ugh",Bipolar +50624,"Possibly losing parenting rights due to bipolar disorder The most recent manic episode I had was after being depressed and diagnosed with major depressive disorder to be prescribed Zoloft. Within 6 weeks I was staying up for 9 days and delusional. I thought my partner was going to kill me so I called 911. The police arrived and I was very agitated and explained my delusions and they took me to the nearest psych ward for an evaluation. Unfortunately, that psych ward didn’t keep me long enough despite my volunteering to stay longer. They also gave me a medication I ended up allergic to which took treatment even longer. + +This resulted in asking my in-laws who live in a different state miles away to help me care for my daughter until I found the right medication combination and was stable. I knew it could take a few months and I had no one else available local to me. The only way my inlaws would take my daughter is if I signed over guardianship. I was under the impression it would only be for a year at the most. But honestly, I wasn’t really in the right mind to consent to that paperwork. I just knew I needed help and I did what I could to ensure my daughter had the best care possible while I got stable. + +Fast forward to now my partner and I petitioned the courts to end guardianship as I have been stable for 2 years. I have letters from my therapist and pdoc stating I am in treatment and stable and medication compliant. + +Well, my in-laws are trying to prove I am unfit for things I did while I was manic so they can adopt my daughter without my consent or permission through the courts. They're also trying to prove that my partner (their child) is unfit I am less worried about that. + +My therapist says they're on a witch hunt and that they're just trying to raddle me and no judge would grant them adoption. I hope she's right. + +I just wanted to share what I am going through because 1. support would be nice. and 2. if anyone else is going through this you aren't alone.",Bipolar +49747,Med adjustments People who consider their bipolar well managed are you ever symptomatic? I’ve been stable and and symptom free for years but recently I have been struggling with some racing thoughts and i feel completely overwhelmed…. I am in a stressful situation that will be over in a 3-4 weeks. Do you call your Dr and change your meds or do you just ride it out?,Bipolar +49872,"My first time here I have Bi Polar and don’t talk to anyone about it. How do I accept that I have it? +I’m 27 and was diagnosed when I was 21 but I still struggle with believing I have a mental illness.",Bipolar +49992,,Bipolar +46729,Manic Episode Help During a manic episode I typically tell my boyfriend if I have thoughts of cheating or doing something that ik isn’t me or that I will regret. It helps me not doing anything stupid and not in my control and he likes that I do because it reassured him. Should I continue this or is there a better way to fight the mania?,Bipolar +49910,"Do meds make all the symptoms go away? What should I expect? Hello! I’m 19y/o F and was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality and Bipolar 1. I am getting started on my medication journey. + +I am curious how taking medication effects bipolar, for people who do take medications that work currently: what does the medication “working” look like? Does it make mania and the depression episodes completely disappear? Or just more manageable? Is feeling neutral/nothing a “good” thing? + +For people who’ve taken medication in the past and are unsure if they feel better or are unmedicated in general: How has medication effected you in the past? And where are you at now? + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46778,I perpetually feel terrified I'm going to feel like this forever But then the this that I feel changes every 2-4 weeks so that's fine right,Bipolar +49712,"imposter syndrome sucks this sucks. i feel like a stranger. + +it feels like everyone has stronger or more intense symptoms than i do. my therapist keeps telling me that labels arent everything and that she treats the individual not the diagnosis. it made me feel like crap when she said that. like the diagnosis, the name, the labels i always chased to get that sense of validation we’re all meaningless. + +and now i keep thinking that something is wrong with me. but maybe it’s not BP2? + +my psychiatrist is tapering me off lexapro and will be adding lamotrigine soon. i am week 5 on wellbutrin. she wouldn’t be doing this is there wasn’t something actually on the bipolar spectrum right?",Bipolar +45834,"Manic psychotic crisis for First time Hi, I'm a 21 year old, recently I was diagnosed with BD type 1, due to a manic psychotic crisis, the truth is that I lost my common sense, I had delusions I behaved in a way that now embarrasses me a lot. + +The crisis was in the university, it lasted about 1 week being the last days a strong psychosis, because of this I lost several relationships, people who think I'm crazy or I can be dangerous. + +I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital, and there I was able to stabilize myself after a lot of medication, why talk about side effects and how bad they feel. + +I broke my gf and the truth all this takes me very sudden, I have never had depression or any similar episode, in fact I practice a lot of sport and I lead a normal ""life"". + +Now I feel very lonely and misunderstood, I hope that this bad moment ends, I miss my life before the crisis. + +Do you have any experience with psychosis?, how do you deal with bipolar disorder?. + +I would like to know about your experiences with this disorder and how to face it + +Thanks you",Bipolar +50619,"Being in a relationship as a bipolar person is like having two relationships. Nobody outside of this type of relationship will ever understand. + +When I’m stable, I am the best husband. Our relationship is amazing. Model relationship. + +Then when I’m manic (which for me usually swings between periods of high anxiety/irritability or intense happiness), we have a troubling relationship. + +It’s so weird how one can snap back to the other. I feel so bad for my wife who is a rock. But, everyday I strive to keep myself stable for her.",Bipolar +49783,"Diagnosed, but having doubts I'd like to preface first by saying that I'm not American. + +I've been diagnosed bipolar II a few year ago during while in a psych ward. During all the years I've been seeing psychiatrists, it was brought up only once by a psychiatrist I've seen for less than a month. I've been somewhat successfully treated with seroquel. + +While I thought I had BP before my diagnosis, this diagnosis as almost always made very little sense to me. I do have some pretty extreme mood swings, but far more than 4-5 a year and they sometimes last only hours. + +The psychiatrist who followed me years never brought it up. He didn't change my meds, didn't really take any interest in my symptoms. He was pretty much happy just continuing the traitement that was prescribed to me during my trip to the psych ward. Last therapist didn't seem to believe I had any illness. + +I'm seeing any therapists or psychiatrists anymore and I have stopped my meds. So far, I'm doing alright. + +I would like to know if any of you have experienced very frequent mood swings (say in the range of 50 a year) and very short episode, because I find really hard to relate to other people with bipolar disorder.",Bipolar +50571,,Bipolar +49558,"I feel like im so much for my bf Idk i feel like he has to go through so much shit to just be with me, he has to handle my highs and lows, remind me and convince me to take my meds all the time, i feel like he could have gotten any other ""normal"" gf... + +But u know what? He says he loves me unconditionally, he supports me in both my highs and lows, he genuinely cares about me, sometimes i wonder how a broken girl like me got so lucky? + +Any guy or girl would have ran as soon as they heard me say i can cure depression... but he didn't he just tried to ground me in reality, and ofc recommend i go to the psych ward which i eventually did. + +Just thought i'd post something a little bit more positive this time around. + +I'm happy",Bipolar +49736,"Being in a relationship as a bipolar person is like having two relationships. Nobody outside of this type of relationship will ever understand. + +When I’m stable, I am the best husband. Our relationship is amazing. Model relationship. + +Then when I’m manic (which for me usually swings between periods of high anxiety/irritability or intense happiness), we have a troubling relationship. + +It’s so weird how one can snap back to the other. I feel so bad for my wife who is a rock. But, everyday I strive to keep myself stable for her.",Bipolar +46590,"Feeeeckin Depressed, Yo Being Bipolar is bullshit. Things that would bum a normal person send me careening down. And not like in a BPD moodiness way, I mean in like that slow slide where first you're tired, then you're sad, then you're slowly numb, then you're numb with a core of pain. I've hit the numb-core-of-pain stage, and it's bullsheet. On the outside I seem distant and detached, and on the inside I'm curled into a ball. + + +I emailed my doctor, but haven't heard from her. I think I need to call the office. + + +I have zero plans of hurting myself, but it troubles me that the thought has crossed my mind.",Bipolar +45600,"My meds make it so much worse I was diagnosed with bipolar two 3 or so years ago and it's awful. I am always depressed unless i'm hypomanic, which doesn't happen very often. I miss being super happy when i'm manic because it's a lot better than the depression. i am on lamictal and latuda right now, and the latuda is ruining my life. i think about suicide everyday to make myself feel better, but i know that's not an option because i can't hurt my family. i have akathesia from the latuda and i also have this feeling like i'm not a person. i don't want to hang out with my friends or anyone anymore and i'm always stressed out and depressed. i'm slowly getting off of the latuda since it is ruining any happiness i could possibly have but each day that goes by i want to kill myself even more. + +if anyone has any advice for me that'd be great because i can't seem to find anything that makes me feel better. ",Bipolar +50363,"Failed medication change I'm on 1200mg lithium, 200 mg lamictal. +We're going to go down from 1200mg to 900 mg lithium and then increase the lamictal. + +It did not go well. Anxiety went up through the roof. Just super super bad. + +Then I went back on 1200 (per psych) and the anxiety started improving. Now it's coming back. + +I'm positive this is just my body's biochemistry adjusting back but wow this sucks. + +I just needed to vent.",Bipolar +45424,"Getting a bit high... escalating quickly So my psychiatrist put me on Lamictal first, then added Seroplex (SSRI) about two weeks ago. And two days ago, I finally started getting better. Like a lot, lot better. And I feel I'm getting higher and higher as the days pass. Today I'm missing work because all I want to do is to see some friends and climb a building. I wanted to watch a TV show but I can't since I just wanna dance and sing and do something. All my apartment's completely clean (much thank's to high me) so there's no much to do here. + +I feel like my chest is heavy as shit, my arms and my legs need to move. I've been getting no more than 4 hours of sleep last days. I felt great... Now I feel just awesome. + +And I just can't get out of my head I should buy anything I think of, like this TV which is around 2000$ while I have an income of barely half that. It feels right and the right time. Don't know what to do. But guess what, I'M GONNA CLIMB A BUILDING. No worry, pretty safe though. + +edit: by -> buy",Bipolar +45652,"Hypomanic phases+hypersexuality=social suicide *disclaimer: I understand that this post is insanely long but I feel condensing it will dilute its message. Some of this is unrelated to my bipolar II but it still plays a central role in my issue so I felt this would be the best place to post this (plus I don't know where else to post). Little new here. I've been suffering from the symptoms of bipolar II along with social anxiety since my early teens so throughout middle/high school it crippled me socially. My rapid, awkward, all-over-the-place speech in my hypomanic phases and my mumbly, confused speech in depressive phases (if I even spoke at all) along with anxiety kept me from really connecting with anyone and i was never able (and still am not very able) to display my true self, something that crushes/depresses me to this day. It also SERIOUSLY held me back academically/athletically. I was a straight-A student with a promising competitive swimming career up until around 9th grade when my disorder had grown to an unmanageable level due to it going untreated, and it continued to for the rest of high school, with my relatively strict parents calling it bullshit at every turn and never getting me in any counseling or put on any meds until i dropped out of college at 18. Only then did they listen and see an issue. Knowing that I never realized my potential in any area of my life sends me flying into bouts of extreme depressive episodes in which I cry over what could have been and it can last days. I only thought I had depression at this point so I was misdiagnosed for another year. Now at 20 I am finally diagnosed properly and on a mood stablizier although it hasn't been particulary effective, and smoking weed and dropping acid probably doesn't help matters. But I must admit that my first couple trips allowed me to take inventory and understand that I've been bouncing between manic/depressive phases since childhood and that my issue quite possibly extends into sex addiction/hypersexuality. And it brought certain behaviors and memories to the surface that I wasn't willing to face and it's a big reason why I'm even here posting this (I DO NOT condone the use of LSD, especially for the people on this subreddit). Now we get to the main point that the title addresses (not sure if I had to give ya'll my life story first).Throughout my adolescent life a common theme has been my complete and utter lack of control of my sexual impulses, resulting in shameful behavior that I keep buried away from many: public masturbation. At the beach with a towel over me, in the nearest public bathroom and even IN CLASS. I knew it was disgusting as I was doing it, but simply HAD to get off constantly like some nympho. I could only dart to the bathroom throughout the day so many times (our monthly hall passes gave us a limited number of times to leave class). After reflecting, I feel that this urge was aggravated by a combination of my hypomanic phases (which involves being too horny) and my hypersexuality, bringing my sex drive to an INSANE level. If this is the case, then it would explain that behavior. It doesn't justify it, but it gives insight into how this happened. And teachers did NOTHING to address it. Unless the kid's autistic, I would have confronted me about it if I were in their shoes and it may have gotten me the help I needed sooner. Because they turned a blind eye, it continued to fester and get worse. I understand that it's not their job to counsel me but such extreme behavior warrants attention, I was very sick and nobody helped me. There is one exception, in which we were watching a movie in class a year after I discontinued my in-class meat-beating. A risque scene comes on, and my teacher promply says, ""Ok, settle down, John."" to which the class erupts into the most intense laughter I've ever heard that rings in my ears to this day. So if anything they made it worse. I quickly became known as that creepy kid that beat it in the back of class, bc, well.... I WAS that creepy kid that beat it in the back of class. I never stared at some chick's ass to set it off, mind you, if anything I blocked out the world to focus on my animalistic impulses. So if anyone wants to call me a gross creep, save it bc I'm already aware :( But this realization that it may not have been my fault, that I'm not a complete pervert really makes me feel better and could bring me at peace but I feel I cannot confirm it without getting some outside opinions and I don't want to go to anyone else (friends, family, etc.) other than my psychiatrist bc I'm so shameful of it and I fear they would look at me different for the rest of my life. I've just been hurting for such a long time and I'm desperate to get answers about this bc I'm too hung up on it and I likely will continue to be until I come to peace with it. + +Thanks",Bipolar +45528,"Bad inpatient stories? I’ve been hospitalized twice as a teenager in a youth ward and twice as an adult. The last time was at Fairfax Behavioral Hospital in Kirkland, WA and it was abusive as hell. Everything about why I was there was horribly exaggerated, and they lied about me when I went to court so I got legally committed to two weeks unless a doctor signed me out. They literally said because I took so long with the strip search (because I’ve been raped quite a few times but you know, they didn’t mention that part), that I couldn’t handle interacting with anyone right now and I was still obviously in an extreme crisis and I might injure someone else. I wasn’t even in an episode lmao, I was fine after two days of being there, and I’ve never been a violent person? But go off I guess. A lot of other shitty things happened and they got my hopes up and said I could leave one day, but then they were like “nah you’re gonna stay for another few days for no reason” I told them it’s illegal to hold me when I’m not in a crisis and they were like “haha ok try to leave then”. When it was my day to leave, my case worker “lost” necessary paperwork and then went on a two hour lunch and my psychiatrist “didn’t have time to write my prescriptions”. I ended up leaving the facility at 7pm when my exit time was 2:30pm. + +Not trying to bring up bad memories, but I’m curious to know if it’s more common to have extremely negative experiences rather than positive ones. + +So, does anyone have any super shitty inpatient experiences? +Also, where is the facility located? (If you’re comfortable) +",Bipolar +46631,"Someone be my friend. Please. I need someone who understands. Bipolar is different. People think that they understand when they have depression and things like that, but they don't. They can't. I just need someone who won't run away when I get bad. I am very supportive as well, even when I am going through a tough time. + +Right now, I am laying in bed. I can't do anything. I have a son that I need to be taking care of, but I am frozen here. + +My post history tells you who I am. If we have stuff in common, let's definitely talk. I am more comfortable talking to girls than guys these days, but I guess that it doesn't matter. Let's be friends. Let's build each other up.",Bipolar +46543,"Manic and proud of myself for starting a big journey! How has your Thursday been? I'm finally moving away from Northern Virginia and slowing down my world to a pace I'm more comfortable with. I'm driving all my stuff and my bikes in my old 2 door jeep (most maniacal idea I've had in a while) to Florida on Wednesday, first move and 1,000 mile road trip of my life. ?? 2 months ago me wouldve been shi**ing bricks at the idea but I'm really starting to sort it all out since I started Lamictal and Hydroxyzine again. Hope all you beautiful people are having a good week going into a long weekend!",Bipolar +46565,"First week of student teaching This week was my first week taking over FIVE 9th grade english classes. + +Monday there was a two hour delay and my co-op teacher was sick. The sub said eight words all day and I was shakey to start. I barely got sleep trying to focus on knowing the content (my memory blows) and adjusting lessons every night and i had to skip a lot of breakfasts bc I would wake up dry heaving from the nerves. + +I got better almost every period it felt like and after a week of dread and wondering if I could handle of this I feel so relieved that I get a fresh start again on monday. Still a long way to go + +I had to gush somewhere. I havent been happy like this in a while. Just a reminder that things can work out even with a lot of highs and lows along the way.",Bipolar +45735,"Boy did I screw up Wow. Did I mess up. + +A little background. Diagnosed as bipolar at 18 after a difficult junior high and high school experience. Struggled throughout my early 20s and finally got my life under control by my late 20s. Met an amazing woman and got married. Managed to find a meaningful career and had a few years of amazing success. Two wonderful kids. + +About 4 years ago my career started going south. There are several reasons, one of which was a move to different state then most of my freelance work. My wife also got very sick when pregnant with our second child and I ended up getting into a bad pattern of care taking without taking care of myself. Especially when it came to sleep. + +As the money stopped coming in, I started selling some stocks that I owned prior to our relationship. I ended up selling almost all of it and cashing out the majority of our small but important IRA over the course of 2-3 years. I never shared any of this with my wife and never reported any of the money as income. + +Fast forward to 2017. Almost all of the stock is gone (and I still haven’t told anyone). We are practically broke and borrowing money from family members repeatedly. A few weeks ago my wife demanded access to my brokerage account. She decided the best way to fix our finances was for her to take complete control. The jig was up. My huge violation of trust was revealed. + +I truly believe that deep down I am a good person. I have a good heart and I am a very caring and loving father and husband. But with my terrible actions and hiding and lying about it, it is clear that I am sick and need help. I don’t know what caused this manic episode, but I am sure the fact that I sleep 5-6 hours a night so she can get a full 8-10 hours of sleep every day didn’t help. + +She says she loves me, but hates my guts right now. She says she loves me but is terrified and feels like unsafe. She says she doesn’t know if she can stand to have me in the house or will ever be able to see me as a romantic partner again. + +I haven’t been in therapy since my psych died in 2011. I’ve been seeing a nurse practitioner once every three months to keep my prescriptions up. But clearly need to find a new doctor pronto and get intensive therapy. Not just medication management. + +If I didn’t have children, I can’t imagine what I’d do to myself. But I love them and I love her so much. I know I have a chronic illness and this is a major “flare up.” I just can’t imagine how I can live without my family. + +We are seeing a couples therapist next week. I am so ashamed of my actions and my lying. I’m not sure what to do. ",Bipolar +49936,"Bipolar Urge to Self Sabotage I used to get really bored with my life and then make a dramatic change to completely reinvent myself once every couple years. I miss the mania that comes right after the self sabotage, and the sudden energy to become a whole new human. My life feels like it's at a crossroads, and while I think I'm approaching this one correctly (actually considering it, engaging my therapist, discussing with my partner), it's hard not to wonder if this is just a more evolved version of that same old urge to blow it all up and start fresh. + +Anybody else struggle to tell what's ""normal"" life and what's bipolar life?",Bipolar +45567,"Tips for Severe Depression? Hello! + +I've been in a very suicidal depressive cycle for about two months now, and I'm just...stuck. I have some coping mechanisms that work for my usual level of depression, but nothing seems to be helping this time. + +I'm making sure I eat semi-regularly, taking my meds, getting sleep, and trying to keep myself distracted with old hobbies (even if they're not enjoyable, it does take my mind off things for a bit). I'm currently trying to get into meditation/mindfulness at the suggestion of my therapist but it's proving to be a bit difficult (so far I've used Headspace and Calm). A solid exercise schedule seems really daunting/near impossible right now, but I'm planning on taking my dog for a walk tomorrow if it doesn't rain. + +Does anyone have anything that helped them get out of a severe depressive state? + +Thank you and sorry for the wall of text!",Bipolar +50650,"recently diagnosed & very anxious when it comes to meds hey all. + +i was recently diagnosed. to sum up my dilemma, my entire life anytime i’ve had a medical problem arise, i’ve always been dismissed as it being “anxiety”. i have a history of unexplained syncope episodes & wacky blood test results but no doctor has ever taken me seriously. perks of being a 22 year old female. i’ve been told to take antidepressants for viral illnesses & the like. so i’ve grown costumed to having a distrust towards doctors or i feel like they just use me for money & don’t listen to me, ya know? + +anyway, that’s not why i’m here. i hit rock bottom a few months ago & have been seeing a wonderful therapist who truly advocates for me & gives me a voice. he referred me to a psychologist & we did the whole genesight thing. she wants me to start taking latuda. + +i did the whole googling the medicine thing & asked some friends about it, & i have yet to see a good review. i also don’t want to be even more tired than i am now as i’m exhausted 24/7 as is. & im scared meds could impact work or school. + +i guess i’m just here asking for validation to ease my anxiety. will meds actually help me? or will i feel miserable? i’m really scared. i’m so hyper aware of my body & i freak out about any minor change, even headaches. but also as the months go on the more i feel wildly reckless & isolated. if i start taking them, & want to get off them, will they forever change me like antidepressants can? i’d rather enjoy my few months of mania no matter how wild it can be vs forever be different.. + +i don’t mean for any of this to seem invalidating or disrespectful by the way. it’s just my experiences/paranoia",Bipolar +46467,Hello? Is there anybody in there?,Bipolar +50444,,Bipolar +45563,"I FEEL GREAT - worked out changes in my routine So I stopped seeing a doctor for a while. When I was with her, she kept me on Lamotrigine, the generic one, got me up to 200-something mg. I also was prescribed some Stilnox which was totally awesome if not for my shitty depressive episodes where I would try to sleep all the time and all the mania where I just wanted to hallucinate all the time. Anyway! The Lamotrigine made me feel so fucking awful. I was a zombie for the longest time. Felt no emotions, no sex drive, I was pretty absent as a girlfriend (which led to the demise of a really great relationship), no motivation to do anything from work to studies, et cetera. It wasn't working so she kept up-ing the dose and also asked me to take some Inderal to calm down the increasing anxiety I had. + +I stopped seeing her, as I've mentioned. It wasn't just the medicine, but it was also because I just didn't feel comfortable speaking to her anymore. She wasn't super awful or anything. There were just subtle instances where I would feel shitty about some things she'd say. + +Since the break up, I realized I needed to get help because I was so not mentally healthy at all. I stopped seeing her in the middle of my relationship because of reasons listed above, but also because I refused to believe that there was something wrong with my brain. I just wanted it to all go away and convince myself I was normal. Currently trying some different doctors, looking for The One. + +Meanwhile - This is probably not advisable, but because I can't wait between appointments, I started self medicating. Went totally sober. No alcohol, no cigarettes, no weed (which apparently turns BPD people schizophrenic or something? Which sucks because it was so great for the anxiety), no popping benzos - or any other drug. Started working out more consistently. Controlled my eating. I went back on the Lamotrigine BUT this time I started taking the branded GSK Lamictal. Started with 50mg. I paired it with 10mg of Inderal. I FELT SO GREAT!!!! I was having episodes all the time, but this calmed me down in a non-zombie way. I started building a tolerance to it though - I think? My anxiety would come back worse. Weeks into this routine, I went up gradually to 250mg of Lamictal and 40mg of Inderal. I'm feeling really great. I know it's not mania. I just feel healthy and normal. I think it's helping me keep to my routine, cope with my break up, be more productive. I'm on my way to becoming a better person I think. Someone who won't let the big bad BPD monster win.",Bipolar +46253,"Loss and depression go really well together I was doing well, on new medication, ping ponging a bit but never getting fully manic or fully depressed. Now, I knew I would be depressed for about two weeks after the end of the semester. The change in schedule always does it. But, during the second half of the semester, a good friend passed away. Afterwards, a good mutual friend started acting very strange, sometimes flat out mean. Our relationship was strained for about a month for reasons I don't fully know. He eventually blocked me online even though we had agreed that no matter what we would say goodbye as he was graduating. I was easily able to push it all away when I needed to during the semester. Now I just keep falling deeper and deeper as opposed to the normal brief depression. I can't think of my friend that passed without thinking of the one that blocked me and vice versa. They were my two go tos, the people I talked to every day and who made me feel secure. My world was turned upside down. Two of the very few people I would go to are gone. I don't know how to pull myself out this time and, honestly, I'm scared.",Bipolar +50077,"Relationship over - I’m too crazy I had been with this girl since high school, we started a family together, 8 years into our life together she had enough of me being a stoner we had a big fight over it + +Im going to rehab to deal with some trauma linked to my sex and drug abuse problems but she’s not prepared to give me a chance to get better and support me, I never really did anything wrong she just doesn’t like weed + +I gave everything to this girl and made a lot of positive improvements over the years but she told me she can’t handle my mental illness and that she loves me but needs to focus on herself + +The fact that she is a really good nurse is tearing me up because she loves caring for people but im too much for her, it hurts to know that someone can just leave over an uncontrollable mental illness",Bipolar +46064,"Actually losing my mind + new meds **Trigger Warning:** Talk of suicide. Sorry I can't edit the title. + +Bipolar II here with several anxiety disorders and PPD/PPA for funzies. + +I've been actively suicidal (but not attempting) and somewhat paranoid lately. The only reason I don't kill myself is because of my 10-month-old son and a volunteer project I don't want to leave unfinished. + +I should add that I am traditionally very high functioning -- successful career, marriage, healthy baby -- but life circumstances have taken a flamethrower to my world and burned it down to ashes as of late. On a scale of 1-10, my level of stress is at a 13. + +I came into my psychiatrist's office sobbing Tuesday morning. I didn't tell her everything, but I told her as much as I could without her being legally obligated to commit me. My doctor doubled my Lamictal dose, added Seroquel for sleep (because I was worried about developing a physical dependency on Klonopin), and added Gabapentin as a spot treatment for anxiety. + +Last night I took the Seroquel as directed. I woke up this morning and my first thoughts upon waking were that I wanted to kill myself and that I was half hoping that my baby had died in his sleep (in some way that wasn't my fault) so that I could be free of the responsibility of being a mother. I'm sure if I walked into his room and he was actually dead, I would lose my goddamn fucking mind. It would be the literal end of me. I have really intense OCD about his safety and intense fears around him dying as a younger infant used to keep me from sleeping. So that was a super strange and disturbing mismatch of thoughts. + +With that great start to the day, I quickly downed the double dose of Lamictal, as directed, and tried to get on with things. I walked back in the kitchen to my breakfast and half of it was gone and I had no recollection of eating it. I walked around the house for awhile wondering if I had put the pastry down for a minute and forgotten about it. Nope. I did not find the pastry in another room. + +Almost the exact same thing happened yesterday with a donut. I ate half of a donut on the way to the doctor's office. I thought I had a whole second donut in my bag. When I looked in my bag after the appointment, there was only half of a donut left. I thought maybe a homeless person in the grocery store ate half of it and put it back in the pastry case and I didn't notice when I purchased it (it was a sketchy grocery store; it could happen, though unlikely). I told myself that was insane and that surely I ate half of the second donut and forgot about it. I tried to tell myself I was being nuts and eat the rest of the damn donut, but I ended up spitting it out because I pictured another person's mouth on it. + +Can stress really cause memory problems like this or am I straight up losing it? Why the fuck do I keep having memory problems only around my breakfast? I am not eating very much at all, so maybe it's first thing in the morning blood sugar thing. + +Around noon, with the new drugs in my system, instead of wanting to kill myself, I just don't see the point of anything. I had a job interview today that went fine. But all professional jobs just seem stupid to me all of a sudden -- like we are all working on gibberish and acting like it matters. Who the hell cares if we make a new brochure and more people buy a product? I feel like a 15-year-old who just watched Fight Club for the first time and realized capitalism is meaningless. + +I had some other projects I was working on, and I just don't understand the point now. Why would I spend time refinishing a dresser? Seriously, why? I can't think of anything more stupid. + +I also had the thought this morning that I feel like I'm on life support but instead of a breathing machine, it's a bunch of pills. + +Right now I'm thinking about leaving everything right where it is, telling my husband he needs to pickup the kid from daycare tonight, and just bailing and going to another country until my money runs out. That would fuck up my life and relationships irreversibly. So I might as well kill myself if I'm going that route. Or not. No idea. + +I guess I wanted to write because + +1) I would never, ever admit this stuff in real life because it makes me sound like a horrible person who hates my baby and I would never tell another living soul how bad off I really am. + +2) can Seroquel make me even more insane? Because that's how I feel. I'm thinking maybe I should just up the Lamictal and see what that does before proceeding with the onslaught of new drugs. + +**Edited to add:** I am following doctor's orders on the meds. My doctor suggested adding new ones and upping the existing one. I just worry that they are going to make things worse while we sort out the cocktail and I may not have the capacity for things to get worse right now.",Bipolar +46287,"Intense bursts of anxiety and stress I did a little bit of research prior to this but I couldn't find anything specific enough to my situation. + +Does anyone here get these intense bursts of like anxiety, agitation and stress seemingly from out of nowhere? + +I always need to step away when I feel this way just to clear my head, and it's over the most trivial things - often a sudden change of plans or having to multitask (e.g. being part of a conversation while getting texts I need to reply to). + +It completely overwhelms me to the point where I can't think straight. I get really snappy and rude, and I feel terrible about it cause I can't control it and it affects the people around me. It's a very confusing feeling but it fades again after maybe 10-20 minutes of clearing my head. That's also around the time where embarrassment kicks in and I start apologising for being so cold and rude. + +Can anyone relate? How do you handle it and maybe prevent it from overwhelming you?",Bipolar +46598,"Recent Bipolar II diagnosis. Scared and confused. Off the bat, I'm an alcoholic who has been trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to stop drinking for a while. + +Went to a 10-day detox in January. I thought I could dry out and get back into the groove that was my 6 months of clean time. But instead, I relapsed a week out. Spent the most of February bunny hopping - few days drinking, few days drying out - and realized that I had to get my ass back to rehab. + +So here I am; 4th rehab in 3 years. I've been to this one twice before, I guess 3 times if you count my short stint in their detox a few weeks back. Most of the time, I get sober for 6 months and relapse +/- 7 days. + +The psychiatrist who has been seeing me whenever I end up back here diagnosed me with Bipolar II yesterday. And I feel weird about it. + +Which brings me here. I don't know what to do next. + +I don't know if I should get a second opinion or just accept this one; we've met about 4 times this year alone for 1+ hours each time, and like I said he's the same psychiatrist who has done all of my evaluations here over the years. He would like to put me on Lamictal.",Bipolar +50026,"Where do you start after leveling out from a manic episode? Do you start with apologizing to others? +Do you start with getting a new job? +Do you start with taking it one day at a time? +Do you start with reflecting back? +Do you start with ignoring what happened and focusing on the future? +Do you start with medication? + +Appreciate your support!",Bipolar +46881,"""just ask for help"" isn't working I am \*curse word\* struggling. + +&#x200B; + +Background: I have been diagnosed by a PCP since 2012 with MDD, GAD. In 2016, I started seeing a male PCP in the south who told me he would handle my diagnosis unless he felt I needed to see a specialist. He changed me from Celexa to a high dose of Prozac, increased my Seroquel, put me on upto 9 Xanax a day, as well as Klonpin. Diagnosed me with ADHD, and started adderall. He changed my meds a few times saying I did not need to wean off or on as they were in the same family....I ended up in ER twice. Had several Manic breakdowns/hysterical fits (i didn't consider bipolar at the time), lost time....then over christmas, he left and the other dr refused to process my xanax refill and I went through 2 weeks of withdrawal. When he returned, he apologized and said, ""I'm surprised you're here, most people don't make it through that alive without hospitalization....I stopped going outside of needed refills. In 2018, I had no insurance and my partner and I decided I would probably be okay going off meds for a bit, and use cannabis (legal here) as the previous Dr had suggested. + +&#x200B; + +That is when things got bad. My symptoms blew up, and I started changing (I also turned 25). I've never been an ""angry"" person, not even when I should be. All of a sudeen I couldn't make it through work. I couldnt think. My moods were changing, and I would have a week or two, and then literally not be able to do ANYTHING for weeks. The house started getting messier, I wasn't cooking or eating, canceling shifts left and right, couldn't think or read through anything....My partner started expressing conern over my need to ""at least get back on seroquel and adderall"". In august, our dog died traumatically. PTSD symptoms fllared. My partner has BPD, anxiety, and depression that is not medicated. His anxiety sending me into full panic attacks and anger. + +&#x200B; + +I got insurance this year, and January I requested an appointment with a PCP. She immeadiately referred me to a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. First available appointment for therapy is March 25. Med appointment with Psych not available until April 9. Doctor calls and asks for urgent appointments. psych calls and says they can make an exception and get me in on April 7, I decline as 2 days isn't enough to move my off request from work. PCP has me come in to address medicine and for ""safety checks"", mentioning inpatient options. I can't do that. It is not an option. I have laid out my sypmtoms and cited that my sister and father have Bipolar disorder. My chart says ""Bipolar 2 suspected but not formally diagnosed, depression, anxiety, adhd nos.) + +&#x200B; + +Today I went in, telling her it seems my depression has improved marginally but my anxiety has been horrible and constant. shaking constanty, not sleeping, headaches, and picking my skin on my face and arms worse than I have in a year (i skin pick with anxiety). She ups the limotrigene literally making me take more in the office, ultimate goal of upping to 200 mg in two weeks. She puts me back on Seroquel, and then tells me she would like to take me off the adderall and wished she had not started it as she attended a conference for ""patient's in crisis"" and they expressed the need to treat Bipolar or other disorders before ADHD and adderall. Says it may be part of the anxiety. I tell her I think it is a bad idea as it is the only improvement I have had to mood, ability to get out of bed, and work- and it seems to sometimes help the anxiety probably because I can think somewhat clearly. She then tells me to come in next week, and that the psych doc may completely change my meds in two weeks, and he or she may still take me off of Adderall. Hopes the seroquel will aid in sleep, picking, and anxiety, as well as upping the limotrigine. Perscribes me nothing for the panic, constant anxiety, not even refilling the 5 mg of Lorazepam she previously would give me 5-10 at a time. To be fair, I told her it wasn't doing much of anything and I did not ask for a refill today- thinking she would perscribe SOMETHING to help me. + +&#x200B; + +I am completely overwhelmed. I have been screaming for help for months and all I have been able to get from it has been constant med changes (which I know is a thing but....), wants to take me off the only thing that is helping, and just basically having them hope I'll make it through until the med appointment, and checking weekly to see if I have killed myself or been admitted yet. The idea of going off the adderall literally crushed me. The mention of starting completely over was too much. I was literally crying and shaking the entire time I was in the appointment. I didn't ask for this. I am barely holding on. My social life is gone, I can't make any commitment by the time it comes up either from anxiety, depression, or complete exhaustion. I didn't ask for this. I can't enjoy things. I can't breathe or stop shaking. My mouth is twiching from constantly holding it in a weird position to prevent my chin from shaking. I'm falling apart and everyone see's it, but there is nothing they can do? How am I supposed to do this? Killing myself wouldn't even matter. It would make everything worse for the people already suffering from me, I'd just be another number on a statistic sheet, and other people would still go through this. I have lost 13 friends, 10 to suicide. One was a fucking psychologist. + +&#x200B; + +TLDR; this process of waiting and changing meds while waiting for 3 months for psych is too much. Any help appreciated. Even just empathy or your experience. Thanks <3",Bipolar +45837,"Am I bipolar? Hy! I’m suffering from bulimia and also have anxiety and depression.After years of visiting psicologists,my current one said that I could possibly be bipolar.So I would like to ask you what is it like?what levels of bipolarity exists? +I have periods where I am active,full of adrenalin,work without rest and dont even have the time or the need to sleep much.. +And then there are periods of deep depression,where I could sleep all day and I can’t find the energy or the will to do anything or see anyone.",Bipolar +46292,Recommendations for diary/journal app for bipolar? What apps do you use for journal/diary keeping on your tablets or phones? There's so many to choose from these days and I'm wondering which you've found works best for you.,Bipolar +46498,"Really needing some advice [TW for mentions of self harm/suicide] A quick preface is that I made sure to read the info and I'll be taking everything with a grain of salt and also reaching out to my physicatrist soon, but I'm not very comfortable with him so I wanted to see if anyone could help me sort of understand some semblance of what's wrong with me currently, and that all I know is that I have bipolar but I don't know what type and didn't even know there were types until the other day +-- +So since mid January I've been..I don't really know how to describe what it's been like. Definetly been up and down. I didn't end up creating this throwaway until I cut myself I dont even remember when, a few days ago or last week I dont know anymore. I just get so confused and disoriented whenever I try to figure out what's happening. I've just been crying and then being happy and then wanting to die and cutting myself and enjoying times with friends and sobbing because my friends hate me. Alot of crying and confusion I guess. It all started about maybe mid January ? I just remember not being able to speak up to my family (I'm 16) since it was my brothers birthday soon. Now it's my birthday in a few days. When I'm at my best, I'm drawing (all I ever do really) and watching but not listening to things. A sort of list of some stuff: crying constantly, eating constantly and feeling extremely hungry, sleeping at 9am until 6 pm, having trouble recalling events and feeling disoriented and confused alot, I was already paranoid before but it's been even heightened now, seeing larger things that aren't there than usual, feeling extremely insecure alllll the time and doubting and hating myself and feeling as if everyone I care about hates me and feeling guilty I'm like this, stopping doing everything I love (aka art) because I just can't bring myself to do anything but play cookie run and listen to videos, being tired all the time from crying and not sleeping, not being able to focus barely, thinking about wanting to die when it gets really bad, being extremely short and snappy with my family because hearing them speak to me is irritating me so bad I get so unreasonably angry I,only moving to eat and having even more extreme memory issues (it's taken me a long time just to being it back into my head everything that's been going on). I just want it to stop and I want to feel bettrr I'm so tired and stressed. I started writing this feeling sharp but now I'm just so confused and I don't know what emotiona I'm feeling right now I just want to sleep or die",Bipolar +46201,"I want to live! I'll be 29 in a couple of days and I'm actually surprised that I'm getting so old. + +My depression is getting worse and often enough I've been thinking about suicide, BUT I do not want to and will not give up! + +I want to live!",Bipolar +45839,"Possibly Bipolar Friend Hi guys i’m not sure where to put this but i could really use some advice! + +A bit of background on me before i start, my mom has BPD and i personally have had a lot of experience with the mental health system and was tested extensively for mood disorders so i know a bit about the process. + +So anyways, i have a good friend (f19) who is also one of my roommates. i’ve always known her to be a partier, smokes weed regularly, drinks quite a bit and just generally goes out p often nothing too unusual for university. i have noticed though that when she’s not in her party girl!!! mood she hits really low (we did have a suicide scare wherein she left notes and everything) and that the change can happen really fast. similarly her feelings can seem to change fast as well (being in love with a bf one day and breaking up with him and moving on the next.) + +I just want to know what you guys think: does this sound like bipolar? if it does can/should i talk to her about getting help? if so how? and what kind of help? i’m just genuinely very worried about her. any help is appreciated!!! + +ps sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit for this ",Bipolar +49894,Med question Best antidepressant that eases social anxiety but doesn’t send you into a mixed episode? I should add that I am on Rexulti to help combat the side effects of any antidepressants. Cheers!,Bipolar +49596,"Raising a child as a bipolar parent How do you raise a child when you are going through a depressive phase and you can't even take care of yourself, much less a 5 year old? My wife left us a year ago, and I haven't even had the time to deal with that shit. My daughter constantly needs me to be there for her but half the time, I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide. I don't get enough sleep and I'm always fearful I'm going to enter into manic mode. I feel like a failure as a dad for having the constant changes in mood that come with bipolar. I take meds now, so I am much more stable than I used to be, but it's not perfect. I'm lucky that my mother lives nearby, and she helps out. I'm just curious if there are any other bipolar parents out there.",Bipolar +46483,Risperdone/risperdal withdrawals I took my last dose of risperdone two days ago and I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Especially because my dr tapered me off in the course of 3 days. What are your experiences with risperdone withdrawals and how long did they last?,Bipolar +50447,"Manic Spending Sprees I'm diagnosed bipolar 2, and whenever I'm manic, I get reckless and spend money like mad. Does anyone have any advice to help with stopping this? It's killing me and makes my depressive episodes way worse.",Bipolar +45517,"I fucked up There were a couple weeks in december where i stopped taking my meds. not because i didn't want to take them anymore, but i got lazy. i was also supposed to get my blood drawn but didn't do that either, i kinda forgot and when i remembered i already stopped taking the lithium. i see my psych tomorrow do you think he'll fire me as a client?",Bipolar +50494,I just got diagnosed as bipolar I just got diagnosed as bipolar this week. I’m not really sure what to think about this and was wondering if you guys could share with me how you guys dealt with it when you got diagnosed. What does this mean moving forward? I just don’t know.,Bipolar +47008,sometimes I can’t talk right i don’t know if this is a common symptom with other people but I swear sometimes I feel like I mix up my words and I can’t talk right with my medication. does anyone else experience this?,Bipolar +50651,Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is the best representation of BP This film really triggered my anxiety in the theater because of its accurate representation of a panic attack. But the real kicker for me is how Puss looks at himself in his previous 8 lives compared to his 9th one. I feel like that is a perfect representation of my mania to now my first real depressive episode I have had. I also just received my diagnosis and it’s hits me so hard because it’s like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I feel just like Puss… anyone else feel this way about this movie?,Bipolar +46492,"My new insurance considers my meds ""preventative"" So I thought this was interesting and also maybe a little sign of attitudes towards mental health changing. I got new insurance and was looking through the list of ""preventative"" medications, the ones covered at 100% and don't cost you anything, to see if anything I was taking was on the list. (It never is, but always worth a check.) + +First I searched depakote. To my surprise it was listed, but as an epilepsy medication. My first thought was whether or not they knew I wouldn't be taking it for epilepsy and I would get away with getting it for free! + +Next I searched for Cymbalta, and it was there! Listed as an antidepressant. In fact they had nearly all your antidepressants on there. Lithium is on the list and even some anti anxiety meds. + +Sure enough, when I filled my prescriptions, they were free. + +I mean it makes good business sense. I am more expensive if I end up in the hospital. Just like quitting smoking drugs are frequently covered because you're a lower risk if you quit. + +For some reason it just made me feel good. Like hey, it's just an illness and we know you need meds to keep it under control. No big deal. Or something. It also made me very people for everyone under this plan because while I do not currently have any issues paying for my meds, I know what it's like to be in that position and it's horrible. It's nice to know everyone I work with who needs this kind of medication can get it and maybe this is a new trend we will start seeing with insurance companies like smoking cessation drugs. Fingers crossed.",Bipolar +50089,,Bipolar +50575,"Trust issues I’ve been researching trust issues and coping mechanisms and an article I read brought up bipolar disorder and how trust issues can be indicative of bipolar. I have a lovely partner but I can’t scrape it from me to trust him, no fault of his own. He has done nothing to betray my trust. How have you trusted healthy partners after the bad ones? Im trying very hard not to ruin this but alas I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.",Bipolar +46321,"Are you always supposed to be in an episode? With and without medication. + + +And can you have wine?",Bipolar +49670,"I don't like making plans because I don't trust my future self's mental state Sorry if this has already been talked about a lot, but I just realized that this is why I don't like making plans too far out into the future. + +One of my friends recently asked me if I wanted to go to a concert in August. I love the musician, and I'm sure I'd enjoy the show. But my initial honest reaction was ""I don't even know who I'll be by then."" I didn't say that out loud, but it was a clarifying moment. Does anyone else have this issue? (Probably.) + +An added unwanted effect is that this makes me come across as flaky, disorganized, or unreliable -- and I'm not saying I'm definitively NOT those things. Bums me out, though. I can use a calendar app, I swear. I just do not know how I'll be feeling a month from now. And a bunch of my friends are very ""type A,"" so it sort of compounds the issue because they love having full calendars and planning hangs weeks in advance. (Dorks.) + +Anyway, I think I'll buy tickets to this thing even if I don't end up being able to go. It's just annoying I have to incorporate this into my decision-making. I can barely RSVP to weddings with any degree of confidence. That's all. Thanks. + +*Edit: Thanks for the comments, everyone. Helped me feel less alone about it.",Bipolar +50165,"Im not creative anymore I was a really creative person, but nowdays its gone. I dont even daydream anymore. + +Does anyone experiencing the same? + +I can't draw anymore, write stories or poems. My brain feels empty",Bipolar +50144,"Might be manic I think I'm about to have a manic episode, and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm on meds (abilify) but I just started them and they haven't really had an effect yet. I've also been feeling pretty anxious. I can't get on elevators because I feel like they're haunted, and I can't be alone without having a panic attack and thinking I'm going to die. I was wondering if this is a symptom of bipolar? I just got diagnosed and I don't know. + +I already texted my therapist and hopefully I'll see her on Monday, I was just wondering if any of you had any advice on what to do until then. Do I tell people?",Bipolar +50255,"How do I accept that I am far less capable now than I was before? I had big plans growing up. I was, while horrible with anything math, excellent in all other school subjects. Now I can barely write a paragraph without losing focus. This disease has seriously messed me up. It's given me anxiety and inferiority and cognitive blocks that no non-BP person has to face. + +I just want to come to terms with it. I don't know what my abilities are, how smart I am anymore. I'm certainly not capable of any kind of degree or a job anymore. I can't learn a trade or skill. I couldn't be an electrician or an engineer or a programmer or a writer. + +All I want, more than anything, is a purpose. I would take a job even if I wasn't paid. I can't volunteer though. I'm simply not smart enough anymore. I'm dumber than a rock now. + +How do I just come to terms with the fact that I will essentially be forced to live with an eighth of my prior capacity for the rest of my life? That I will never be able to enjoy an interesting article or cook for myself ever again because of the constant apathy and misery of persistent depression. + +Edit: It's been about a day and I was feeling really shitty for the past few weeks. I feel much better now and don't even feel like the same person as when I wrote this. Also, I'm reading your posts but a lot appeared at once and I'm not sure how to respond, but thank you for the responses.",Bipolar +45595,"Jumping up and down during mania I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. During my manic episodes, when I get excited I start jumping up and down (and I usually put my headphones on to intensify my mania). I've been doing this since I can remember and it's taking its toll on my knees. I'm currently taking meds for my disorder, but they're not stopping my jumping up and down. Does anyone have a similar issue? How do/did you stop/control it?",Bipolar +46030,"Single manic episode? Is it possible or have any of you only had one manic episode in your life? But like a really big one that made you do embarrassing things. I'm new to this. I had one a few years ago. Only recently discovered what it was. I knew I had depression, but this was an eye opener.",Bipolar +45580,"Trying an alternative route to recovery in case meds don't work out I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster for the past couple of months, being switched on and off various medications (I posted in here a while back about going on quetiapine and immediately having to be taken off it because it gave me hallucinations) and battling through referral systems to try and get therapy and a diagnosis. I've finally been referred to a neurologist and a psychiatrist, but the psychiatry appointment isn't til May 31st (my doc's pretty pissed off, he'd requested it as an 'urgent appointment' U_U), so until then it's basically up to me to keep myself stable. + +i've started keeping a bullet journal where i can track my moods, am using dbt self help books every day, meditating every night, have quit alcohol, and this morning started at a yoga class; i'm trying literally everything that mentally-well people have been telling me to do for years. do any of you have any lifestyle changes/natural remedies i haven't mentioned that work for you? i wish i could rely on meds and therapy to get me through, but the healthcare system is so slow-moving in the UK that i feel i should have a back-up plan, and also it doesn't hurt to fill my life with things other than antidepressants sometimes. i don't wanna turn into one of those 'you don't need drugs, nature is the real antidepressant' kinda people, but if it turns out those people are correct then i'm frankly quite happy to be wrong if it means an easier way to recover lol. (i hope all this makes sense, i'm a rambly person when i'm not in a depressive phase)",Bipolar +45835,"Having weird fever dreams/nightmares despite taking meds properly I’m taking my lamictal, rexulti, Doxepin and vistaril every night and morning as directed. For months I had normal dreams and normal nightmares but for the past week I’ve had “fever dreams” that are so intense I wake up feeling the emotions I felt in the dream. I’m wondering if it has anything to do with the medications I take, and I won’t see my doctor for another 3 months. I’ve been incredibly manic for the past few months and now I’m dipping into a depressive episode, maybe that has something to do with it. ",Bipolar +46065,"Relapse/Breakthrough Symptoms: What to do? I've been really stable for maybe two years. My treatment plan was on-point. I made a lot of improvements and changes. Then, last month I decided to sign up for a volunteer effort that lasted the whole month. It took a lot of time and energy, as well as being a deviation from my normal routine. + +So after it was over, I took a week to recoup. Five days in - on a Sunday - I fell apart in the middle of the day with a full blown panic attack and couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day. Ever since that day I've been tired, irritable, and sad. Little things set me off (like a delay in traffic) and I get so upset over it that I just start sobbing. + +I really, really don't want this to be an episode of depression. I don't want to jump the gun and call my doctor and she changes my meds, but I can't afford to isolate myself for weeks hoping to recover. If you've had a similar experience, what have you done to cope? Do you have a plan of action that helps you discern what to do? I'll appreciate any input. I just feel so screwed up right now.",Bipolar +46522,"Does buspar induce hypomania? I have undiagnosed bipolar 2 (my psychiatrist isn’t really sure if my hypomania is actually hypomania or just anxiety but I am 99% sure it’s hypomania and not anxiety) and I was just prescribed Buspar. I do have a significant problem with anxiety, however, I read that it can induce hypomania in people with bipolar disorder. + +In anyone’s experience, has it caused or worsened hypomania for them? ",Bipolar +46719,"My boyfriend is forcing over communication on me because of my diagnosis. I tried (again) to tell him I don't feel comfortable talking to him about *everything*. He makes me talk about bipolar related things despite me telling him I don't feel comfortable talking about it in front of/to people who aren't bipolar. + +He's telling me now how ""doctors and everyone"" say that communication is key when living with this disorder. + +Am I being unreasonable?",Bipolar +46083,I need some advice My boyfriend has bipolar 2. Lately I've been noticing that his episodes of depression have been getting progressively worse. He's been missing work and sleeping most of the day away lately. I tried to encourage him to go to work this morning. I even told him to take it one step at a time and I would be there encouraging him throughout. He immediately said no. I tried telling him the same thing but with a different approach and he still said no. He started to get aggravated with me so I backed off. I've noticed that he's been getting slightly aggravated with me lately when I try to be encouraging so I'll back off and let him do his own thing once I detect it. The only reason why I try to encourage him so much is because I'm so used to doing it whenever I'm dealing with my own depression. I love him so much but I don't know how to fully get through to him without seeming to aggravated him. Can someone please give me some advice on what to do. Thank you in advance,Bipolar +50526,"I can’t make myself go to work Then of course there’s the shame spiral which leads to drinking which leads to binging and purging which is expensive and I won’t have money because I didn’t go to work. Someone stop this ride I want to get off. + + +How do you make yourself go to work?",Bipolar +46405,"How would my BP1 medicine affect an LSD trip? I take Trileptal and Abilify. Recently came into some LSD but am nervous to take it. I’ve tripped plenty of times before and it’s not like my BPD is new, but I’ve never done so on medication. Hoping to get some guidance from you guys on this. Like I said, each of my ~5 experiences thus far have been incredibly positive and helpful to me, but I’m in a good place now and I don’t want to screw anything up. ",Bipolar +46157,"Am i BiPolar? Ok so I have been struggling with these severe mood swings for almost 4 years. I thought it was just severe suicidal depression but recently within the past year i have been experiencing these nights or grouping of nights where I would stay up and do a ton of random projects and crazy work ideas. Nothing ever got done but after not sleeping and all, I would crash. I would hit a depressing suicidal low and not know when it's going to end. Currently this is the longest depressive episode at almost 3 weeks. It's to the point where my grades went from A's to F's and my parents think it's anxiety. I go to a therapist but she doesn't know the full story. I also am being evaluated but that takes months. Ii am taking AP Psych in school and we are learning about mental illnesses and i realized i may be bipolar. 'm trying to keep family out of it while also getting help. Can someone help me? Do you think I have bipolar disorder? + +",Bipolar +46582,"New psychiatrist prescribed abilify, lexapro, and lamictal Has anyone been on this combo or any individually for bipolar/agoraphobia? I’ve only been on them for a few days, I take them at night and wake up extremely groggy in the morning. It feels like I’m hungover even though I didn’t drink. Do the side effects dissipate after a while? +Thanks in advanced for any advice!",Bipolar +45840,"How do I get my dad to stop spending money we don't have? My dad has BPD 1 and has always been super impulsive, but it's getting even worse. I won't go into specifics, but he is unemployed and spends majority of his time buying and reselling things online. + +The problem is that he doesn't have the money in the first place to be buying these things; I just found out he has taken out 2 new credit cards this month alone just so he could charge them without going over the minimum. + +I've tried, endlessly, to talk to him and tell him this isn't normal or healthy but he considers it to be his ""occupation"" and will not listen. He is majorly in debt, and if anything happens to him (which wouldn't be surprising based on all of his health complications), my family takes on all of his debt. I'm scared. + +What do I DO?",Bipolar +50334,"Disassociation/ Derealization I was wondering if you guys had any derealization at all. I see it as feeling like I’m in a dream, being extremely detached/disconnected to people and things around me, to the point where it seems like the crowds of people around me are just part of a random setting I’m in, everything around me is blurred, and that type of stuff. I was wondering if this is normal for the majority of people right now bc of Covid/social media, etc? I’m doing my own research now but I just started unpacking this after my therapist pointed it out.",Bipolar +50123,"I'm ruining my sex life, please help Okay, I think this might be a bit long as I'm trying to include all the information, so here we go. + +I (f25) was diagnosed in mid 2021, but never categorized in 1 or 2. I was doing therapy (combo biofeedback with the intent to get to emdr) for a few months and taking 200mg lamotrigine and 10mg Lexapro, but I haven't been to therapy in months because of distance and cost, and I've been off my meds for months because the lamoteigine (I think) was causing me sleep problems. + +I work 9 hr days and 6 days a week most weeks while also helping my husband (35m) with his online business (usually don't get home most nights until 9:30). Here's where my problems start. + +My husband wants sex a lot. When we first got together, we had sex every day for like a year. Then it started to slow some but was never really an issue. Now we have sex maybe once a week and it's putting a strain on our marriage. He feels like I don't love him or want him or want to be around him anymore. None of those are true and in my mind I have valid reasons for not wanting to have sex when he initiates. I have the kyleena IUD so I get some pretty painful cramps sometimes, or I'm tired, or it's late when we get home and I have to be at work a 6 am. Recently an additional pronlem is that I've become self-conscious about how I look again. He says I don't initiate enough or respond when he tries to get me in the mood. I tried to explain to him my reasons but he said I'm making it sound like a chore, and sometimes it does feel that way until I'm actually in the act and enjoying it. It feels like too much work or too much sleep loss in exchange for little. I've gotten to the point where if we do have sex, I prefer quickies. He also says that when I initiate when he's tried, he doesn't turn me down unless he's exhausted. + +Things are very strained. I feel like I'm sleeping in bed with a stranger, like an old fashioned we've never loved together or had sex before marriage type of relationship. I hate it and I hate that I can't pinpoint a cause or how to fix it. + +Is it mania? Depression? Stress? IUD? Exhaustion? Something I'm missing completely? + +I'll answer any questions that come up to explain more. Please, someone help. I don't want to ruin my marriage.",Bipolar +50313,"In mania - here we go again. :) :( In mania. I had increased nightmares this weekend, slept restlessly the next two nights, stayed home Monday and Tuesday to chill and try to regulate because I just didn’t feel right. Wednesday almost bought a $1700 necklace. Woke up this morning HYPER AF. Awesome and fun and all that jazz. But also mad and threw my hairbrush. + +Yes, I’m on my meds. No I’m not quitting my job. No I’m not going to stop my meds. But fuck. I love it and hate it. + +Edit: I’m going to the Taylor Swift concert tomorrow and it would be so fun on mania. 😬🤔 Maybe I don’t call my psych until Monday. 😬😬😬",Bipolar +46396,"i surprise myself. moments when i feel that euphoria while doing something i love. + +share yours. +appreciated.",Bipolar +49788,"How does severe bipolar differ from mild or moderate? I see so many successful people with this disorder, in fact almost everyone I've ever known with BP eventually treats it, and that's good. But for me, no medication seems to work without dangerous side effects. I also have psychotic episodes. I can't work or go to school and skip most days because I am catatonically depressed. + +I know my BP isn't the worst there is, but I see so many people with bipolar who are successful, and I guess I want to hear about the worst case scenario so I don't feel like I myself am the worst case, because I feel like absolute shit all the time due to my lack of success in any area of life. I'm pretty much the very bottom of society and it sucks. I'm gonna stop my post here though cause the depression is creeping in now. + +I'm not asking about anyone specific, just an example or something. Or if it's even possible for BP to be 100% untreatable.",Bipolar +45667,"Curbing Self Harm Urges? I relapsed a little bit in the depths of this depressive episode (and regretted it the second I did it) and I'm pretty determined to never do this again. I know I just have to keep working hard, but is there like a substitute activity that I can engage in when I feel like I need to hurt myself? I try to draw when I feel depressed, but sometimes it doesn't always work. + +Also, I've seen a call for communication here, and i would love to have some people who understand my situation to chat with, if that's a thing we're doing now.",Bipolar +50198,"Bipolar and dating Do you guys/gals tell people you’re dating that you’re bipolar? If so how early into the relationship? I imagine telling someone on the first or second date wouldn’t go over too well, but I also wouldn’t want to feel like I’m deceiving anyone. Just curious what other people think and their experiences",Bipolar +45410,"Traveling Advice Hello! + +I'll be traveling from Florida to Maine to visit my in-laws (and play in snow!) in less than 24 hours. + +Severe season/weather changes in general tend to trigger a cycle... but I've been feeling the tides of change (a mix of dysphoric mild/moderate mania and hallucinations/delusions) already for about a two weeks. + +I was able to get in and see my pdoc and she increased my Rexulti. + +Other than another med tweak is there anything else you guys suggest in order to not become completely unhinged? Anyone else triggered by travel and/or the seasons? ",Bipolar +46526,"How I stopped letting anxiety spirals control my life (xpost r/mentallyhealthier) I used to spend most of the day caught up in anxiety spirals. I used to fall into the trap of getting stuck in the past and beating myself up about mistakes, or fretting about the way things could go wrong in the future. (There's a term for this- rumination.) The only way I've found out of this terrible habit is through mindfulness meditation. + +Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment. + +Figuring this out, the idea that you can live your life without reliving your life story, has significantly improved my quality of life. + +I recently read this study: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733812](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733812) + +The participants engaged in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction therapy, and the conclusion was ""the more mindfulness meditation had been practiced, the less rumination was reported at follow-up assessment."" Though the participants were in a full on 8 week course of therapy, you can easily do this yourself with some effort. + +Basically, the goal is to “decenter” from thoughts and emotions, to see thoughts come and go without attaching any important truth or meaning to them. + +I'd recommend downloading the Headspace app, it teaches this stuff in a very practical way, and I found it to be very effective when I started out.",Bipolar +50371,"Do you swallow your pills one by one or all at once? I’ve always taken them all at once along with my multivitamin and didn’t know so many people took them one by one. That seems so time consuming, especially when you have ten or more to take. I just put water in my mouth, lean back and let it sit in the back of my throat, toss the pills in, open my throat to swallow then drink some more water. Been doing that for over twenty years and never had any issues and never got any of them on my tongue with the nasty taste I hear about. Does anyone else take their pills like this?",Bipolar +50403,"Lamictal Hair? Ok, kids. I switch over to Lamictal from Dep several years ago. I'm pretty stable on it, but I think I scored a weird little side effect and I'm curious about how widespread it is. My hair went from having a slight wave to it to being decidedly curly. Google ""research"" seems to indicate that this is a possibility. Has anyone else noticed changes in their hair after taking it for awhile?",Bipolar +46864,"Decade of Stability Here I'm just over 2 months away from my 10th anniversary of leaving a psychiatric hospital and never looking back and needing that much help. I've gone on to FINALLY finish my Bachelors degree, I am not super successful, but I would like to know if I were to kind of tell about these last years what sort of information would you find beneficial in a story like that, basically overcoming mental illness that so many people assume upon diagnosis your life is shot to shxt which isn't true. ",Bipolar +50450,"New diagnoses I went for years thinking I had ADHD because of a childhood diagnoses of hyperactivity in the early 70s ,I'm 57 now. I was put on Ritalin than sedated me until it reversed and mad me worse. + +I got a diagnoses Of Asperger's syndrome at age 4o And thought the episodes were part of that . I Have been getting worse but I felt like superman when I was up and took it a a good state to be in ,Hardly the case people would be frightened of my actions which I could not understand why, they wanted me to move faster at work (cooking 40 years) I would become increasing more agitated as the months would go on. and would just fly off the handle and have a melt down and bye bye job. + +I never felt out of control until recently when my father died in February and I have been on full throttle for a month now so I changed my Psych doc and said that I was manic and took me off the anti depresses that my old doc prescribed. and gave me abilify and buspirone Just wed mar 23 2023 it has been a month since I slept more than 2 hrs. I still up but I am coming down slowly. + +I never notice the down side I just knew that I felt better not moving as much to the neglect of housework, and no motivation to give a dam about work again I had an attitude wile when I was down almost hatting the people I worked with and being resentful of having to work. + +&#x200B; + +sorry if this is disjointed I'm still amped up to 11.",Bipolar +49637,"Dark obsessive thoughts I’m assuming this is fairly normal with BP but I’m so sick of dark obsessive, ruminating thought patterns even during relative stability. It seems like every week it’s something else; death/dying of loved ones, someone being hurt, losing my partner and awful thoughts of not being good enough to be loved. I feel like BP is such a hindrance to me enjoying life fully, it’s like a new obsession every week and I’m so sick of it.",Bipolar +49654,"Bipolar 1 type mania I know many of us question our diagnosis but it’s more difficult when you’ve had a manic episode with delusions. +But sometimes i can still talk myself into believing the diagnosis isn’t real and that those weren’t delusions. +I thought it was a spiritual awakening when it was happening and that I was one with god and had to save humanity. Anyway- DAE who’s had mania with delusions sometimes doubt their diagnosis?",Bipolar +46958,"Just received my BP2 diagnosis - 12 years in the making Hey everyone. Although knowing that I suffer from Bipolar II Disorder is disheartening, it is a relief to have a diagnoses and a concrete action plan to manage it. I have suffered from Major Depression since the age of 9; but it wasn't until this week, at the age of 21, that I was diagnosed with BP2 after having a 2.5-week-long hypomanic episode. + +During my episode, I displayed all textbook symptoms to varying degrees of destructiveness. Luckily, I did not do anything that had huge lasting consequences. During these 2.5 weeks, I was aware that I was acting abnormally, but I didn't see any problems with it because I felt better than I ever had before while sleeping less than 2 hours each night and eating less than 500 calories per day. When I crashed out of it, I knew that I had to speak with my psychiatrist. + +He immediately took me off of my 300mg Wellbutrin (I haven't noticed any withdrawal symptoms yet) and scheduled an appointment with me ASAP. At the appointment, we discussed the many options for medication (anti-psychotics & mood stabilizers). We settled on Depakote and I am now on 500mg for 14 days, then 1000mg for the next 14. At that point, we will meet again and re-evaluate the treatment plan. + +It seems like this is a very informative and supportive community. If you all have any advice or resources to offer someone who is starting out on their treatment journey, I'd be happy to hear it. I am especially interested in people's experiences with Depakote, apps that can be used to track mood, and how to build up a support network of friends and family. + +Thanks to all <3 ",Bipolar +49941,Having to start over Recently I had to switch medication because I developed an allergy to the one I had been taking forever. It took a few months and in that time I had a manic and depressive episode. I ended up losing a good portion of friends and I understand why to an extent. I'm very communicative to people about my disorder and what happens even when I'm medicated. Despite this people were not very understanding with me. And while I understand people don't have to put up with my mental illness I still feel as if I was given no compassion at all. Some people did and im grateful to them but its so hard and it makes me so anxious. A lot of us have to switch medications multiple times in our life and I really wish people would be more understanding to those who are bipolar. I'd get it more if I just stopped the meds and didn't work on being better but this whole time I've been trying. This disorder can be so isolating and unforgiving. And I wish more people took the time to understand it.,Bipolar +46743,"Extremely lonely I just went on a couple dates and hooked up with a guy who I knew wasn’t compatible with me. He called me cute and gave me other compliments that I haven’t heard in years. In the end I had to turn him down though, just because I wasn’t getting the right vibes. But now I feel extremely sad about it. I feel like I lost something because he really seemed to like me. Now I feel I know what I’m missing. And it hurts. A lot. I’m going to continue to date and hopefully find someone. I’m not meeting people any other way. I know I deserve happiness but it’s so hard to find. I’m putting in the effort but I have yet to see a positive outcome. I just wish I didn’t feel so intensely lonely. Just needed to get this off my chest.",Bipolar +50138,,Bipolar +46699,"Meds while pregnant? I'm 28F and my SO and I are at the point where marriage is likely and then kids. It sort of hit me the other day, and I can't find a definitive answer anywhere online, do you have to completely come off all mental health medications when pregnant? Right now I take a handful (lamictal, cymbalta, ativan, and trazodone), BP2. I just know if I have to get off them... well, I'd likely be dead in a month, it's nasty. I don't believe I could do that. Does it just depend what ones you're on?",Bipolar +49610,"I think the worst thing about being bipolar is the mania (vent?) I’ve dealt with depression a lot. I hate it but it’s my normal. I recently went through 5 months of mania where I acted horrible. I did everything except have delusions of grandeur. I ended up being sexually assaulted which I believe shocked me out of it. I could’ve really hurt someone or even gotten myself killed. Now anytime I’m in a good mood I start panicking and crying thinking it’s coming back. That was my first manic episode and I was on a lot of Cymbalta during it. I also wasn’t officially diagnosed until after the fact. Im dealing with aftermath of my bad decisions and will be for at least a couple years because of the debt I racked up. I’ve been depressed all my life. Mania, however, scares me more than anything. I’m fairly certain that’s not the general consensus.",Bipolar +46094,"So afraid I'm currently on my way to army Behavioral Health, I'm terrified I am going to be locked up again. I hate being hospitalized and locked up around other people who could be crazier than me. My career is over and that's ok, I guess?",Bipolar +50102,"What’s your relationship between bipolar and chronic pain? I read that BD and chronic pain are commonly paired together, but I haven’t met doctors or therapists who have had experience with both at the same time. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia even before my BD diagnosis. Makes me wonder if it’s really common of if that’s just internet facts. + +Usually, when I wake up with my entire body stiff/in pain, and my energy levels sapped, I’m having a down day. And the opposite is true when I’m elevated. Also, my days of no pain (and not enough sleep) crash into a downward spike, so it makes sense that I wear out because of that. + +Anyway, curious to hear your experiences, what you do to mitigate the pain, etc.",Bipolar +46008,"My job has become too much. What do I do next? I work at a coffee house/bar. I've been in there for almost five years. I've even been told I'm a crucial part of the team and promoted to assistant manager. + +I like certain parts of my job: restocking, getting everything in order before the end of my shift, making drinks (coffee & booze), flexible hours (I work 3-4 days a week). + +For the longest time I also loved the company culture. They seemed to really care. And I love most of my coworkers, and they've become close friends. But lately it seems like the company doesn't care at all, and besides making me feel undervalued, my day to day experience is also incredibly stressful. Management has made this job pretty toxic, and I've been super depressed for months (maybe I would've been otherwise, but the focus of most of my depressive thoughts has been my shitty work environment). + +I'm feeling really ready to leave this job, but I'm also terrified about what to do next. + +I don't really like dealing with people all day. I've gotten by this long at my job without losing my shit mostly by being the utility player and spending more effort keeping things running smoothly while other coworkers do more of the small talk that I find so emotionally taxing. But, if I can avoid it, I'd rather not go into another customer service job. + +I've considered so many different careers, and I've gotten pretty enthralled with each idea for a time & then talked myself out of every one. I've seriously considered nursing, social work, teaching, and making toys/theatrical puppets/art directing sort of deal. + +I just don't know what I can do that'll give me the time off I need to function while being fulfilling and not emotionally draining. + +Do you have any advice on selecting jobs/careers? + +I'm just feeling so overwhelmed by the prospect of making these decisions, but I don't feel like I have the luxury to put off these decisions any longer because this job has really gotten to the point of pushing me over the edge.",Bipolar +46963,"Depressive Episode Well, long time lurker on this sub. Please excuse my poor manners. On mobile. This post is all over the place. Mainly to get it off my chest, maybe just something to leave behind. I’m trying not to be over dramatic. + +I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2 about 5 years ago. My post can be triggering to some. + + +Around December I started noticing downs more often. I’ve been really stressed, and it started then. I couldn’t afford rent and medication took out some loans. Now I’m even further behind. I’ve been fighting to stay positive. It’s been really hard. Like really hard. Ive honestly thought of selling my body just to get on top. + +Also, my owners of the company I work for. just recently said everyone is replaceable. I’m passionate at my job and have been there three years. To hear how unimportant I am hurt. I took it to heart. + +I feel so awkward in my own skin, so unhappy... So alone. I don’t know where to seek help. Not just from a clinic. I hate doctors and in my past they gave me lethal mixes and have killed me once. (honestly I wished I had stayed dead) + +The thought of suicide sounds better and better. They’ll find me when they evict me. So I have about 9 days to think about it. + +I’m tired of the swings, feeling alone and unimportant. Like there is nothing left of this world. Deep down no one cares. I struggle on for family(to save face) but idk if that will keep me on this plane anymore. All I do is work work work. No enjoyment from life. No ease. No partnership. Nothing other then my little kitty and a small apt... Now I’m loosing everything. What little I had is going to be gone. I just rather be dead then continue this path. It sucks... I feel like I’m working towards nothing. I will never get on top. Life keeps punishing me. I can’t keep up this pain. Loosing everything sucks. It’s hard to find any sliver lining at this point. + +I’m tired.... 90% of me at this points wants to end it all. With death comes peace. A peace I’ve tasted before. No more rent/bills, no more feeling inadequate and alone, like I don’t belong. Im afraid I’m at the end of my road. ",Bipolar +46625,"Worried about this This is the first time I've ever openly spoke about this part of my bipolar to anyone except the psych. I am not for sure if I'm able to bring myself out of this mania this time. + +So let me start at the beginning of this episode. I lost my mom tragically on Christmas. I was the one that found her and well needless to say there is a lot I don't remember for a couple weeks after. I was able to get the stuff that needed done done with my siblings and I went into a massive depression/anxiety/mania almost to the point of a nervous breakdown. I shut down completely for a couple days and things have not been the same since then. + +I have tried to take each day as it comes and deal with my issues as I always have. I go for a more natural treatment because I couldn't handle the side effects of the meds. But I seem to have hit a mania where I am not sleeping and am not making the best decisions. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this or not or if there is something else wrong with me, but I tend to, in my mania go from timid to housekeeper of the year to gourmet chef to Julia Roberts in pretty woman without getting paid to depressed and feeling worthless. This cycle has gone on for the last month and I'm starting to worry. (My mania does this, but usually doesn't last this long) + +Has/does anyone else been able to calm down the mania without the meds or should I just deal with the mental fog, lack of feeling, and general distortion I feel when I take the meds to get back on track to where I was before my tragedy?",Bipolar +50396,"Fear of being happy Every time I start to become happy, to work on something, to even obsess a bit about it I’m scared I’m becoming hypomanic and that I should do something to control it. It an awful feeling: being afraid of happiness cause you don’t know what it can turn into. As this even happened to you?",Bipolar +46086,"Bipolar Parents, are your kids Bipolar as well? What’s that like? I’ve always said I never wanted to have bio kids because I’m afraid of passing along my less-than-ideal illnesses to them (fibromyalgia, ADHD, & Bipolar I; it’s a tough combo to deal with). Also, I had an emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood growing up so all of my coping skills and all of the help I got, I had to do myself. + +However, my Sister In Law is pregnant, and I’m so emotional and excited for her that I’m starting to reconsider. + +What is it like to parent while bipolar? How do you cope while cycling? What measures do you take to make sure you’re raising your kids in a healthy environment (i.e. not villanizing them, not losing your temper with them when you don’t deserve it, etc.)? + +Also, do any Bipolar Parents have Bipolar Children? Is it easier to deal with since you’ve had it before? Was it easy to spot them developing it? + +I know I have a lot of questions, I’m just so curious and don’t want to end up like my mother. I know I want kids, I just don’t want to knowingly pass along diseases I have struggled with that have nearly ruined my life on more than one occasion. I want to be better, I want them to have better. I want my kids to have an actual childhood, instead of it being anxious and filled with fear like mine was. ",Bipolar +49808,"Coming off Seroquel Okay so around this time last year I went on Seroquel IR due to unable to sleep and depressive symptoms. That shit rocked me and I couldn’t handle being a zombie 16 hours a day. So I switched to XR a couple months later. Well jump to now I want to come off it. One I think the depressive symptoms are mainly gone. I just can’t handle the side effects any more. The constant hunger that can’t be ignored, so hard to wake up at in the AM ect. I know this is bad but I stopped taking it for a few days because of hypomanic episode and it wasn’t the episode but not being on it that made me feel so much fucking better. Like I could breathe. + +I’m still on lamotrigine and want to go up more since my mood has been a little whacky so I’m obviously not on nothing. + +But have people gone off Seroquel after a bad depressive episode and was your psych on board or did they make you switch meds? Did you just fall back into a depression? Please just let me know any of your stories. + +Thanks all",Bipolar +45815,"BiPolar ExPress Hey guys and gals, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar. So I decided to make a YouTube channel dedicated to helping End the Stigma on Mental health. I'm new here and just wanted to say I have some videos about my life with Bipolar along with some informative mental health ones too. I'm hoping these videos reach people that really need it. There's a lot more to come in the future. Thanks! check it out : https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCOxg3VI4OIV6cwGLAZcnDBg",Bipolar +45986,"Stimulants for Bipolar II I have had Bipolar II for about 14 years now, and have been on stimulant medications for perhaps six. I recently switched from Dexedrine to vyanse, but I was wondering if there is anyone else who takes stimulants to help with the depressive state and lack of motivation that comes from Bipolar II? I find they do help a lot without making me go too manic, just enough to be extroverted.",Bipolar +49501,"Transfer of care request denied (UK) please help advice needed I have been under the care of a community mental health team for 10 years for my bipolar and GAD, I recently moved across the country so my psychiatrist put in a transfer of care request to a mental health clinic in the city I live now. I just received a letter from this new place saying my transfer of care request has been denied because my psychiatrist stated I was stable so they are discharging me to my GP now. + +This can’t be right surely? not only because I have bipolar and need regular appointments with a psychiatrist to monitor/manage my medication etc, but I’m also unemployed and the mental health team were just about to help me with preparing to slowly get back to work starting with volunteering, they told me this new clinic would help me with this and now that won’t be happening I feel completely left in the lurch. How am I supposed to work or do anything without their support? I don’t know what to do, the letter sounded very firm and final about this but my psychiatrist was adamant I would continue to receive support from CMHT. Please help",Bipolar +46523,"Hypo again, I’d really missed it So I’m having a bit of a hypomanic episode right now and fuck! It’s been awhile but I’d kinda forgot how nice it feels. Like a lot of me doesn’t want it to end ever and I know that once this is over I’m gonna realize I made some dumbass decisions but right now I just feel so great. Anyways, check up in three days when I feel like ass :)))",Bipolar +46290,"Reasonable Accommodation Frustration. To start off with I have a few different mental health disabilities. I am fortune that I am employed full time! I am also ""out"" about having a severe and persistent mental illness at work. + +However being in my office causes me some issues in being easily distracted by things going on around me. My disability causes some executive function deficits, along with hyper arosal (awareness... Not the sexy kind) + +This summer my 5 year old was diagnosed with two chronic, incurable autoimmune diseases. This of course has made mental health stuff worse. I was lucky to be in a DBT program when it happened or I'd be in a horrible spiral right now. I knew it would effect my performance and I asked my direct supervisor, and manager about working from home 8 to 16 hours a week as an accommodation. At previous jobs this has been heart for keeping me up to date in notes. I was told that as an orginzation we do not have a policy for this. + + +I said fuck it, and worked from home anyways (making sure I didn't go over my hours) and got caught up. Woo! + +Over the fall we had a lot of staffing changes and I wound up with double the work load for 3 months. I have stopped working from home becuse I was worried in would get caught and get sacked. My performance has suffered and my new supervisor has noticed. + +I again went to my supervisor and director and was told the same thing about their being no policy allowing us to work from home. So I went to HR, with documentation from my care provider. HR just now got back to me, after a month. Again they implied they where (but didn't out right) denying the request. + +I've been in contact with an ADA specialist in my state, along with AskJAN about this and it's super frustrating. + +The best/worst and most ironic part of all of this? Our orginzation serves people with disabilities. This is what we do for them and teach them what to do. How to obtain and maintain emoloyment. My caseload is only people, like me, who have a serious or sevre and persistent mental illness. Ain't that some shit? I love the people I serve, and what I do and this is really leaving a sour taste in my mouth about the orgization. + +If you read this whole thing... THANK YOU for listening. I am so frustrated with the situation and I'm not gonna give up this fight. +",Bipolar +46802,"Trying to understand my ex-girlfriend better. Hey, I don't know if these type of questions are allowed on this subreddit, but I figured the best way to understand someone who is living with a bipolar disorder is to ask people who live with a bipolar disorder. + +I met my ex-girlfriend when we were younger. We became best friends and I saved her life 2 times when she tried to commit suicide. Because of this I always thought that we have a really deep connection. However, we only started dating 3 years after knowing each other. I was 18, she was 20. We dated for 2 years and our relationship was beautiful, but also exhausting from time to time. Constant suicide thoughts because of the slightest issues, and also a shitty behaviour that she showed from time to time, including insulting, manipulating and blackmailing me. She also had depressions, social anxiety, schizophrenia and I think borderline. So it's hard to distinguish why she behaved like she did. + +However, after 2 years of dating, her best friend and 2 other friends came back in her life. She suddenly lost ALL interest in me. That's what I personally think is because of borderline, since they always need 1 favourite person in life and can't have 2 at the same time. + +But what really surprises me, and what can't really be explained with any of the other things, is that she really.. changed. A lot. And quickly. We always used to play videogames, watch movies, go for a walk in the park or woods. And then when her best friend came back in to her life she changed completely. She was suddenly going partying, drinking alcohol every day, she also seemed to have lost every other mental illness she had. No signs of depression anymore, no signs of social anxiety anymore. She was suddenly like one of the girls of these clichee american student movies that only drink alcohol and party and just enjoy their live without any fear of repercussions. And then she broke up. She had no sense of any guilt anymore. Cancelled a date with me to go out with another guy, broke up over whatsapp, 30 minutes later she came by with another guy to pick up her stuff. When I talked to her mother, her mother cried and told me that her daughter just said ""I have to go own my way now."" the whole time and that they (her parents) also worry about her and don't know what is happening. Apparently she also wasn't home at that point for 1 week anymore. She is also not using any social media platform anymore or is playing any video games anymore, which was basically her whole life before that. + +I first thought this was because of borderline too so I asked people with borderline about it and they said that even they would never do anything like that. So my last hope, before I have to accept that she just wasn't a good human is to ask you guys. Could all of this be explained because of her bipolar disorder ? Like a manic episode ?",Bipolar +50000,"Just been diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and Abilify has been a real pain… I’ve just been diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and it was kinda like everything was closing in on me but it also made so much sense. My next appointment for my psychiatrist isn’t for another 3 weeks (she’s also very booked out) but I will be talking to her about what I’m saying here :) + +My psych started me on 10mg of Abilify. I started taking it and felt so jittery and just down right awful. I couldn’t stand up in the shower, I couldn’t do my makeup or get dressed. I also didn’t feel like it would be safe for me to drive. It was hell. + +I took 10mg for 5 days. I went to the chemist that we see very regularly to pick up our prescriptions and she said I am experiencing akathisia. Her advice was to write it down and see if it gets any worse, and if it did, to email my psychiatrist or get into contact with her some way. + +I kind of took it my own way and just started taking half of the pills, and guess what? Akathisia is only half as bad now. +I’ve been taking the half tablets for maybe 5 days? So 9 days on Abilify so far. It’s still horrible but I’d never want to feel that way again. It was so bad. + +I know Abilify is not the right medication for me. The benefits for me are : less racing thoughts, more stable mood. + +The disadvantages of Abilify for me are: not helping sleep at all (this has been a huge issue for years), feeling kinda “weird” and not myself around my friends etc. losing interest in a lot of creative things I used to love. And of course, the akathisia. + +I am scared of a few “bipolar meds” because I’m scared of gaining weight now that I am at a healthy weight. Just thought I’d add that in there. + +This is kind of a vent, and I know finding the perfect or best combination of medication isn’t easy and takes time but I’d love to hear everyone’s experiences with different medications :)",Bipolar +47038,"High functioning bipolar I hate the fact that this exists. ""Look, that person has bipolar disorder! What's your excuse?"" It enrages me. Someone with an SO, job, college education, independent living situation, transportation, what more could the universe fucking owe you? ""Someone made a joke about the weather being bipolar!"" WHAT? ""I wish I wasn't high functioning so people would realize I have a severe illness."" **WHAT?!** + +Absolutely infuriating.",Bipolar +46311,"depression makes me feel so crazy and irrational im scared to even talk about it in real life I have spent the majority of the past three years depressed, with a few periods of mania and normalcy interspersed here and there. A common pattern - I will go into therapy of some kind, talk about how I'm depressed, I'm sad all the time, feel like nothing ever helps me, meds never work, I want to kill myself and the only thing stopping me is fear it won't work. Get frustrated at all their suggestions, walk out feeling worse than I did going in. Then my meds will get adjusted or I'll cycle back up again and feel absolutely fine, and quit therapy until the next crisis. Because of this, I'm sure my chart is covered with notes about how I'm a difficult patient, irrational, dramatic, draining, argumentative and I have have clinicians suggest I have borderline pd or at least traits of it. The thing is when I'm euthymic I'm not like this at all. I may be a little more sensitive than the average person but other than that I'm perfectly normal. + +Anyway, my point is that I always get embarrassed by how melodramatic I get during depressive episodes and because of this I am scared to go back to therapy and repeat this pattern. I already have a lot of difficulty opening up to people and have always found therapy insanely difficult, and this just makes it worse. I also *know* at this point I'm being irrational and I don't need anyone to point it out to me, but I also don't know what to do when I feel like this that doesn't involve professional help. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, just hoping to hear any advice anyone has or if anyone else feels the same way? I literally feel like depression turns me into a completely different person and I hate it.",Bipolar +45979,"this disease is ruining my life im only so young but why me? why was I born with bipolar disorder? theres nothing good about it, one hour im happy and im productive the next, i hav destroyed all relationships with everyone i know, one day im smiling and im doing fine and i feel happy, then the next i want to kill myself and i think of trying",Bipolar +46788,"Mania. It is 6 am and I haven't slept yet and got school in 2 hours. I think I'm going to skip meds today folks, wish me luck.",Bipolar +45955,"300mg Lithium enough for BPII maintenance? My doctor started me on 300mg / day in 2015, and in 2016 increased to 600mg at my request. It was my first time getting treatment for BP specifically, and it helped me get to the stable place I am at now. However, I am suffering side effects related to lithium (weight gain, acne, diarrhea, memory/focus issues, dry skin, drowsiness/slugishness) and want to reduce my dose back to 300mg. I am now taking 400mg lamotrigine, so I feel like that should be stable. +However, I can't find much research on levels that low. I'm meeting with my doctor next week, but in the meantime just reduced it and feeling more alive. I asked my partner and a friend to let me know if it seems like I am starting to get hypomanic. I hope that this can be stable, because it feels nice to lose the bogged down feeling. I want to be vigilant about distinguishing the feeling of a good mood from hypomania. Does anyone have experience with low dose lithium and or cultivating self-awareness about good + stable moods vs hypomania?",Bipolar +50330,"The paranoia is killing me I feel so isolated and afraid. Things are turning, crumbling. I feel like I can't turn to anyone. My psychologist and doctor understand but damn the nights are so long, and in the day, I have to be around so many people I can't tell what's going on for me. Some professionals even don't understand me unless they know me very well. I'm a serial masker and even when I'm wanting to throw a chair through a window I'll just casually say ""I'm raging right now"" and they don't take notice lol. So some professionals don't take notice and others say things like ""I'm very alarmed"" at my behaviour. I just can't be that person I used to be anymore; exploding rage and emotion. Luckily a have professionals that see the signs clearly but talking to others can make me feel invisible. + +I feel like everyone in society, the world around me, online, is watching everything I'm saying and doing, even people in cars or shop assistants. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I feel like I can't move a muscle or say a thing, it's constant. It's even hard to post here. + +It was fun with the spiritual and sensual bliss but now it's just hell. I made the mistake of having a nap before midnight and I won't sleep tonight. I got an exam today, I'll see my nurse thankfully, then my therapist, but right now I just see this long stretch of night ahead of me. The house is so quiet, I'm worried I'll see ghosts if I leave my room lol. I just feel so very alone. + +College helped so much, they're very supportive there, my classmates are amazing but it's getting confusing for me there, too. My mouth is starting to get me in trouble. I feel like my world is getting smaller section by section. + +My psychologist said it was ok for me to go to a Buddhist centre for a few days as long as I don't drive there, as long as I stick to grounding meditation rather than the transendental stuff lol. So maybe that will help me a lot. + +I don't even know what this post is about. It's just all crumbling down, now. I might try to switch channels in my brain rather than hyperfocusing on my phone. Have something to eat and drink. Maybe try sleep again. + +I'm focusing so inwardly; thoughts, feelings, etc. I need to get out of my head and into my body. I try to do the mindfulness 5 things but I'm too paranoid about ghosts right now. I wanna listen to my headphones but can't for the same reason. I think I'm literally too afraid to leave my bed or do anything but type, and too paranoid to ring a hotline. I'm dreading 3 am but hopefully I will be asleep by then. + +I dunno, maybe this post is an ask for someone out there to make me feel like I'm not one alien on an Earth full of humans lol. Either way I just gotta get it off my chest.",Bipolar +50430,,Bipolar +45470,"Latuda Dose Increase? I've been taking 20mg of latuda since october 2016 with 1500mg of lithium.. the latuda definitely gave me the mood/functioning boost i didn't even realize i needed and i feel like i'm back headed towards the rut where my medication could be more on point, but nonetheless its working. + +my pdoc suggested i go from 20mg latuda to 40mg. i'm thinking about agreeing to it and increasing before i have an episode that forces me to switch up my meds.. i just have a few concerns about increasing... + +i haven't experienced any side effects from latuda. what are some of the things to be aware of that you guys have experienced when you started taking it or when you increased your dose? next, do i need to eat even more before i take it? that may be a dumb question but the nausea is excruciating when not eating enough even after 20mg. and last, did you guys like have any side effects after increasing? maybe being overtired or a major mood shift? +idk i'll stop rambling, just looking to hear some peoples thoughts/advice/experience with increasing their dose. + +THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!",Bipolar +45584,"Cannot get help I moved from one state to another. I have bipolar I and I'm in my 30s, married, working. My old psychiatrist refuses to help me without a live appointment; I'm 14 hours away. He has been refilling my current medications but won't even adjust the dose or return messages. I am in the process of getting in to see a psychiatrist in the new state, but I have to see a case worker first, and that is over a month away. I have been to the ER--they refused to help me and basically kicked me out, saying they wouldn't touch my meds and said Benadryl would help me sleep and that would make me better. + +I have been experiencing severe mixed episodes, mania and anxiety to the point of it crippling my life. I am trying to figure out how to get help without being hospitalized, because I am in fear of losing my new job to absences. Any advice?",Bipolar +50454,"hypomanic? lately i’ve been wondering if i have been hypomanic (have been spending *so much* money, mostly on my 16 new hobbies i have picked up for my new life transformation, have lost a lot of weight due to my ✨New Life Transformation✨, and never want to sleep because there’s just…so much to do!!! too much excitement!) +and i just caught myself laying in bed for the last 4 hours thinking about making a youtube channel and becoming fitness guru/lifestyle coach + +🤡 <<<<<< me affff LMAOOOOO",Bipolar +47072,"career advice I'm wondering if someone can give some academic advice. I currently go to a Top 30 University ( US news), however my GPA has suffered tremendously due to my condition. I have appealed to my Dean of undergraduate school of education, and he along with a committee have agreed to drop 1 semester from my transcript. Although appreciative I feel as though this is not adequate enough as I requested 3 semesters (while hoping for at least 2). I come from an abusive and very poor background and I hoped that my personal life combined with my condition could gleam well upon me, however that didn't happen. + +Now I want to appeal their decision and wondering how to do so. However, I am also considering transferring to my local state institution. And here starts the problem. + +My local state school is much less prestigious than my current institution. However, it may allow me a chance to start my GPA at zero. So my question is this, is it more advantageous for job placement, internships, and grad school, if I stay at my current ""prestigious"" institution and graduate with around a 2.8+, or leave for a much lower caliber school and aim for a potentially a 3.5+ GPA? + +Oh I am currently a Senior + +If you have any other questions please ask? + +Thank you",Bipolar +50456,"Went manic and now my precious hair is ruined I wanted to cut layers in my hair as I always do, but this time, I messed up big time! I feel so stupid and sad. + +My hair is hip length and a big chunk in the front is not even chin length, it's like a bob with hip length hair at the back, man I loved my hair! Everyone loved my hair and now I feel so embarrassed because everyone is asking me, what happened? I feel so sad, I'm constantly Googling how long does hair take to grow out but it's so uneven, and that bothers me so much! + +That's why I cut it in the first place because it was slightly uneven and it triggered my OCD, do people who have both bipolar and OCD, know what I mean? Sometimes, my OCD triggers a manic episode, and it's so hard to ignore these silly and persistent thoughts. + +Any advice?",Bipolar +49855,"Young bipolar woman hoping for future Hello everyone + +First, I'm French, so sorry if my english is not perfect perfect. + +I'm 24 years old, living in Paris and apparently bipolar type 1 with intense psychotic features. + +My life was almost totally hell for several years, after my diagnosis. + +The doctors didn't correctly adjust my medication, and I already have undergo more than 2 very big crisis. Since we have discovered that I needed neuroleptic, my life has changed for the best. + +Despite my age, I'm still in an undergraduate program at university. In fact, my disease has caused many issues during my school and university years. I would love to become a ""documentarian"" (somebody who work in the field of documentation, information...). I want to have my first job, in the public domain, in less than two or three years. + +I have a boyfriend since 5 years, and I would love to build a life with him. He's already working since several years, so I'm eager to work, so we can ""advance"". + +I would like to have a family, one or two children, and a house, in a place that we would love. + +BUT I have to be realistic. Since my diagnosis, I had more than 2 very big crisis, and many littles ones. + +I have decided since two years to perfectly take my traitement. So my life is better now. But in 2022, I had a hypomaniac and next mixte episode, which cause many problems in my study program. I'm in the obligation to do one year in two years, because I have too much delay. + +To be precise, my doctor and I had change Zyprexa to Abilify. The Abilify was at 15mg, the lithium that I take too was too low....So there was a crisis. Now, I'm hoping that the augmentation of lithium and Abilify will be relevant and protective for the years to come. + +Moreover, I decided to establish a more protective routine. I began yoga, stopped alcool... + +But I really need to be stable in the years to come in order to succeed in my academics, and in my life in general. + +Do you think it is possible ? Are my dreams impossible ? Do you think my stabilization in the long run is possible ? + +I precise that recently, a doctor said me that with this treatment, it wasn't impossible to be stabilized for me, but I don't know if I can believe him.",Bipolar +47023,"My brother is having a manic episode, I'm flying over tomorrow so I can bring him back to America. How should I approach this? My brother is vacationing in a South Asian country for a month with his wife but he's Manic and it's hurting relationships with not only his wife but other relatives. My uncle passed away Thursday, and he had a traumatic heartbreak which what probably heightened his mania some more. He even beat his my nephew (same age as me) out of anger, and then apologized but went back to physical violence. I am really scared, that he would go to violence, he's a sweet nerdy guy who would never hurt anything, which has surprised and stressed me out. I just bought the plane ticket just now. I want to bring him over to America, have him change his return flight from April 30 to earliest possible so he can see his psychiatrist. How should I approach him about this? + + +He has the exact same symptoms as listed here , so Its specific to bipolar + +https://www.verywellmind.com/symptoms-of-mania-380311",Bipolar +45870,"Meds and memory Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, and was diagnosed with BP2 less than a year ago. I'm on a medicine regimen that is working really well for my mood, however my body has adjusted to it and my memory attention and focus are still no where near where they were pre-treatment. Which I'm a biochem student and I have finals in less than two months so this isn't ideal. + + +Currently im on 100mg seroquel (I don't think this is effecting my memory very much, it's the first thing the started me on, tbh if it is this id rather have the sleep) + +And 100mg lamictal (I'm pretty sure this is the culprit, but idk if stopping it and trying to find something else while school is on session would be safer or riskier in terms of cognative abilities) + +They had me on buspar but i stopped taking that within a few weeks of school starting because it was just impossible. And stopping that helped a lot and then he raised my lamictal and it's still better than it was but not where it needs to be. +I'd really rather not take amphetamines, but if anyone has had similar problems with these or could suggest something that's helped them so I could do some research and bring it up with my doc in a few weeks thatd be wonderful. + +---also side note I think the lamictal was making me anemic so I doubled up on my iron and B vitamins, so im not sure it might still be due to some level of anemia",Bipolar +49824,"Spring mood changes Just curious how many others feel this spring “up”. I know it’s not uncommon for moods to fluctuate with seasons, I consider myself fairly stable with my med cocktail + general management of my mental health. But god damn, the sun comes out, it’s above 10 degrees and all those tingly feelings come back and I feel the hypomania trying to escape. + +Anyone else?",Bipolar +45395,"Hypersexuality I was diagnosed with bipolar unspecified at 13, and I'm a young adult now. I didn't actually find out about my diagnosis until last year because my parents worked really hard to conceal it from me. The most recent discovery has been learning that, believe it or not, I wasn't just a normal horny teenage boy. I have nearly crippling hypersexuality as a cute little side effect of my bipolar. I don't really want to turn this into a nsfw thread unless it can't be helped, but how do you ever cope with this? I'm a severe pornography addict to the point where I can't function if I don't get my daily fix (I have painful shaking fits and the like). It's been like this since I was 11. I'm not asking for medical advice or anything like that, I'm just curious if there is any hope for me.",Bipolar +45725,Rapid cycling? Anyone deal with rapid cycling? I feel like my whole life is turned upside down after every shift. Any advice or even someone who’s experienced this would be awesome :),Bipolar +46907,What's wrong with me My whole life is failure after failure. I have never felt like I belong anywhere I'm standing since kindergarten. Everyone leaves me no one ever understands and I don't think I understand myself anymore. I keep trying to get better but I fail every time and I don't know what to do anymore. I've been alone my entire life no matter how many people are around me and I don't understand why or what to do anymore I can't keep being alone but I'm too afraid to do anything because I know I'll fail like every time,Bipolar +50486,"Starting to feel hypomanic I haven’t felt this way in a very long time and the mere fact that I am even writing here is a strange, it is painful to know what’s happening and what’s coming. Im contemplating if I should take tranqs or call for help. Im so good at sketching right no tho, like so good. I hate this feeling but also not sure how to not feel good right now. Everything is so bright and doable but I hate knowing this will end in a low I will not be able to fathom. +Sorry for rambling, just not sure if I’m making sense.",Bipolar +46662,"Making the Ativan to Klonopin switch. Any feelings about Klonopin? I'd been taking Ativan as needed for anxiety and sleep for several years now. But it's become clear that it's not that great for sleep- the half life isn't long enough for me to stay asleep, so I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 2:30, 4:30, 6:30 etc. My partner gave me some of her Klonopin as a test, and the next day my psychiatrist approved the switch. I'll be taking 1.5mg to start with. + +Anything I should know about it? I've had at least some little memory problems (partner said she cut me a check for rent and it was a bookmark in a book I was reading, I don't remember her ever giving it to me). But I'm wondering what people's experiences are.",Bipolar +46033,"Nostalgy rules my life Hi, could you please advise me, what can I do? I'm very sensitive, cyclothymic person and I have terrible problem with accept changes and tranzisions in life. I'm so attached to so many animals, people and places... I worry about their health all the time. My imagination is so catastrophic. I have also thanatophobia. Because I'm sensitive and allergic to meds, I am looking to some others ways to cope with that. I really think my most meaningful life is in the past. I love to write and my text are almost always about passing and are so depressive. I don't seem depressed, maybe mildly, but my huge triggers are connected with this vulnerability to change. How can make my existence full and coherent, when I have so many reflexions about changes and things I will lose? It seems I've always been like that, but now when I'm older, I worry for future. Does anybody had like that and really change this thinking?",Bipolar +45769,"Can I take Seroquel with Theraflu? I take 25 mg of Seroquel as sleeping pill every night. Just wondering if a can take one packet of Theraflu with it, are there any drug interactions that I should be worried about? Im very cautious when mixed drugs. ",Bipolar +49710,"bad depressive episode due to stress from college hi!! i got diagnosed + medicated back in November. currently on 200mg lamotrigine. my mood swings have slowed down, however i’ve been noticing ive been more depressed as of late and going onto day 4 of feeling like this. + +im currently unsure if it’s because im not on the right meds or the amount of pressure im under rn. i feel horrible bc i havent been going to any of my college classes these past 2.5 weeks. i have also not been completing assignments which is also bringing me down. i just dont have the energy for it rn. the stress im under is due to my grades dropping and the possibility of me losing my full ride scholarship + +we went on spring break and i was the happiest ive ever been w/o being manic. once school kicked in ive been sleeping in all day. i really think my episode is due to stress rather than my meds. but god it sucks so badly. it just reminds me of how bad my episodes used to be. + +idk anymore. im feeling so miserable and useless. i wish i could get back on my feet but it feels impossible.",Bipolar +47053,"Lamictal My doc prescribed 25 mg of lamictal.. ever sense ive started taking it my dreams are so vivid. Not so much nightmares, but just about stuff currently going on in my life. Is this normal???",Bipolar +49715,"Are we neurodivergent? I was reading the post about crapping on coping mechanisms that was posted recently and I was surprised to hear that many people consider themselves neurodivergent because of their bipolar. + +Please inform me if I sound really ignorant! + +I was under the impression that neurodivergence is an innate difference in thinking, permeating everything you do and the brain is inherently wired differently. This is most often associated with ADHD and Autism spectrum disorders. + +I personally feel that although I have a mental illness, that when well controlled and stable I am “wired” the same as most people. My therapist described an allegory that stuck for me which was “Your personality is the climate, and your mood is the weather”. + +I think that my climate is “neurotypical” and I do not identify myself as neurodivergent, more as someone who deals with periods of mental illness. + +What do you think about this?",Bipolar +50157,"i hate manic episodes I detest how no one understands that I’m not okay even when I’m not depressed. + +My hypomanic episodes always start lightly - actually eating properly, cleaning the entire house, talking to people, etc. and people will “congratulate me” (“you finally got up/cleaned the mess you live in”) and are all happy that I’m somehow fine and cured now. + +Then it gets worse and I’ll start to get angry easily, hit stuff, yell at people over the smallest things, get drunk or high with anything close by. I’ll do illegal shit, steal stuff or try to harm myself either by relapsing, staying awake until passing out or straight up attempting suicide because why not. +And everyone blames me for it. In their eyes I am choosing to destroy the supposed progress from my depressive episodes; “Why would you do that to yourself?” and “I thought you were doing better.” No, I’m fucking not. + +It’s dumb I know it shouldn’t make me so angry but I hate that no one around me is capable of grasping the fact that I’ll always be sick- that it’s not something that will just leave. +I can never be happy or proud over the small accomplishments during depressive episodes because any of it could mean I am heading towards hypomania. It’s so tiring.",Bipolar +49923,"Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. TL;DR: I'm in a much better place and decided to make it a day of celebration instead of a sad anniversary. + +Here's a lengthy post I wrote on my socials in regard to my attempt up to now and other sentiments. + + +Today is the one-year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. + +It was traumatic enough the first time but nothing compared to the second time. I had a quicker and easier recovery after the first attempt, but I was completely broken on this day last year. But I’m happy to report that since that day I am (mostly) whole again. I say mostly because there are still things I’m working on and I still deal with symptoms of PTSD from it and there are things I’m still heartbroken about, but I’m still here and continuing to improve. + +I’ve made a lot of strides and changes since then. One of the biggest and most important changes I made was choosing to leave my psychiatrist and therapist, both of whom I had been seeing for 10 years. It wasn’t an easy decision, and in some ways, it was just as frightening as the state of mind I had been in. Up to that point, they were the only mental health professionals I had ever worked with aside from one counselor I briefly saw at the college I attended. It was hard enough to find doctors I was comfortable with the first time and to find someone else after 10 years felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Obviously, their treatment wasn’t working for me any longer and in fact, was only worsening the condition I was in so the change was imperative. + +It is easily one of the best decisions I have ever made and I would make that decision again a trillion times over. The psychiatrist and therapists I have now are phenomenal, I couldn’t be happier to have them, and I am eternally grateful to have them. All three of them were recommended to me by the wonderful therapist I had during my IOP, who I am also eternally grateful to have had. If you feel your doctors aren’t helping don’t wait to find ones that will. + +When I posted about my hospitalization and IOP last year I mentioned how my fellow patients and group members were just as instrumental in my recovery as my mental health care professionals and my family/friends, and that is still true now. I have been in a DBT group since last June and each group member (past and present) has helped me heal as much as anyone, whether they’re aware of it or not (of course I try to tell them that). By the way, DBT is awesome and there are so many aspects of it that everyone could benefit from, mentally ill or not. + +Over the past year, I’ve strengthened parts of me that needed work. I changed things and reframed ways of thinking that were detrimental. I discovered new parts of myself. I broke down the walls I had built. I strengthened the parts of me that needed work. I’ve established boundaries and have stuck to them. I’ve opened up more. I now allow myself to feel my emotions instead of fighting them or bottling them up. I have stopped putting myself last. Most importantly, I have found myself again. + +Of course, I didn’t do any of this alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have a ton of support. I have great bosses and a work family that supported me from when my struggles started, when I was going through recovery, my time away from work, who welcomed me back with open arms when I returned to work, and who still support me daily. I already mentioned the support from my fellow patients and group members who I will never forget. The health professionals both when I was inpatient and during my IOP. My amazing therapists and psychiatrist. My friends who I’d die for whether I see them frequently or not. I’ve been blessed with wonderful family members, wonderful in-laws, my brothers who I love, amazing parents, and of course an angel of a wife. I owe them everything, and I owe them everything. I also owe myself for allowing them to help me and for working my ass off to heal and improve. + +If you’re still here after the struggles you’ve endured, you owe yourself too. + +Instead of letting this be a sad anniversary I’ve decided to look at it positively and celebrate it. I will celebrate the small wins as much as the big wins. I will celebrate the positive changes and progress I’ve made. Instead of mourning what I left behind and who I was, I will celebrate what I’ve gained and who I’ve become. Instead of mourning the past, I will celebrate the present and the future. Most importantly I will celebrate that I am still here. + +If you’re struggling, don't struggle alone. You are not alone and you will be surprised how many people want to help you. Keep fighting and be proud of yourself for still being here today. I’m happy you’re still here.",Bipolar +45697,"Can lithium stop working? I am currently on lithium and lamictal. Lithium changed my life and I would never stop taking it. +Lately my mood has been dipping down and I've been thinking some troubling things. I don't want to end my life but it feels like my brain wants to. I have an amazing life with plenty of supportive family. I have two small children that I would never want to hurt by hurting myself. But the thoughts are there. Constantly now. I use all the DBT and CBT skills I have learned. +Part of me just wants to die and I don't know why. +How do you deal with this? I'm afraid to speak to anyone because it ends up in hospitalization. Has anyone else on lithium experienced this? It's been a god send of a drug and now I'm sad it'll stop working. I'm hoping it will just pass but it feels so deep. +Anyone else have experience or advice? I feel so lost.",Bipolar +50156,"Needing advice/support I had a manic episode about 6 months ago that has completely derailed my life. I quit my dream job (burned professional bridges too), left my home and my Roomate to find another place to live quickly, moved to a city where I knew no one, left personal belongings behind, racked up $14k in credit card debt. I met someone I shouldn’t have trusted and helped him buy a car. Luckily I was able to sell it, but I also bought myself a new car I didn’t need. I am now 10k underwater in a car loan and had to move back in with my parents. I am close to 30 years old. My professional career is destroyed and I lost most of my friendships. The ones I still have now keep me at a distance due to my behaviors. Everyone says that they “didn’t recognize me at all during this time” and I am ashamed. I am unemployed, in debt, and unable to function normally. I have memories surface of the episode still and it sends me into the deepest despair.. +I feel like there is no point in living anymore. I don’t know how to exist in this new reality of my life. + +Anyone who can relate?? Or is my situation just extremely crazy?",Bipolar +46139,"Newly diagnosed I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After about a year of trying SSRIs with absolutely no success my doctor referred me to a therapist. Through therapy we’ve discovered my problem is not just depression. I’m so happy to hopefully have the right diagnosis and will soon be feeling more stable. + +I’ve been started on a low dose of Abilify (4mg) because of the success it has had treating my mothers BPD. Any one have any experience with Abilify? So far my only symptoms are waking up through out the night and feeling slightly jittery during the day. ",Bipolar +45615,"Weird behavior I've been sleeping at weird hours, have not left the apartment or done any work in days and days, and am obsessively fantasizing about having someone come save me. I think the way it's manifesting must also have something to do with my daddy issues. + +It's all just a bit of a mess really.",Bipolar +50644,,Bipolar +46438,"Lost my job I don't know if my bipolar shit was part of it, as they said I wasn't fast enough to get things done (physically). I do believe my short term memory had a part of it, but that doesn't matter now. Ignoring the pause between a transfer, I was employed just over 2 years. THAT is an achievement for me; at least something positive.",Bipolar +46036,"Rant, I Guess. Hello, sorry this is my first time actually posting on Reddit so I'm feeling a little nervous, but it's all good. + +I'm a freshman in college, and last October I finally saw a psychiatrist after years of struggling and got diagnosed with Bipolar 2, GAD, panic disorder and social anxiety. We decided to try lithium and two other anxiety meds. I actually overdosed on the anxiety meds although I was taking the amount I was told and was having a lot of pain for like a few weeks, so I wasn't really able to focus in my classes; I got pretty behind and almost left on med leave. I'm now on Gabapentin and got started on Lamotrigine. + +I guess the lithium was working for a while, but lately I have felt like an absolute mess. I will be in what feels like hypomania in the morning and be running around, talking a mile a minute, everything, and then just get hit with depression and withdraw from everyone. Or vice versa. And this sometimes happens multiple times a day. I'm starting to feel crazy and it is taking everything that I have to just barely function, nevermind actually having time to do homework or other responsibilities. I don't know what to do with myself. + +I just feel so terrible. It just feels like I can't achieve any sort of sane moment because if I'm not being affected by my BD, my anxiety is at a 10. I just want to be calm and stable. + +I am just afraid of this starting to affect my family and my boyfriend. He is the most understanding person I have ever met, but I feel like eventually, he is going to get exhausted with me. I'm not a very happy person and I don't understand why anyone would want to spend time with me. + +I don't know anyone around here with BD and it is making me feel really alone, which is why I guess I decided to make this post. I just feel so crazy, I don't know. I'm sorry. +",Bipolar +46933,"University Advice/Info Hey there. I was diagnosed with BP1 last August following a psychotic episode and hospitalization following. + +I was supposed to be starting my last year at university then, but have taken a health leave to focus on getting better/stable and finding the right medications without the added stress of school. + +I’ve been in /some/ contact with my counselor, and the school’s health leave advisor. One of my next steps is filing the necessary documents for accommodations. + +That being said, I want ask about two things: do you have any advice/what was your experience studying and managing your diagnosis? Second, more specifically, were there any accommodations you were able to receive, what were they/any recommendations on any? + +Thanks so much in advance for any responses. Even though I still have some time before returning, I’m pretty nervous about it. I’ve already had a few semesters prior to being diagnosed where I was clearly severely depressed and totally failed most of the classes I was in, so I’d like to avoid any repeats of that. + + +TL;DR going back to school soon with new diagnosis, looking to hear your experience with school and/or any advice you can offer. Thank you!!",Bipolar +49676,"I have no friends Title says it all. I dont have any friends. Noone. Everywhere I go, people don't like me, I snapchat a couple people, yeah, but when it comes down to it, I dont actually have anyone to hang out with or really talk to. I have my boss so I have one person, but its not the same. Like, say I had to have surgery tomorrow and needed a ride home, I can guarantee noone would be willing, yet id be there for them at the drop of a hat. Im miserable and im lonely and I just wish that people actually liked me enough to actually interact with me on a deeper level than just sending a picture of their face all the time with almost no dialog. I dont ever know what to talk about, and I dont want to just always talk about me because ill feel like I'm just conceited, but thats what other people talk about and they have friends and so I just don't know what im doing wrong. Im tired of it.",Bipolar +46797,"Any Bipolar people also diagnosed with ADHD? I go to a new psychiatrist in April to sort out some meds that aren't working. Bipolar Type 1 is my official diagnosis. My therapist also wants me to be tested for ADHD because of the things she's heard from me and seen in my behaviors. Valid, but I'm a 28 year old, so I feel like if I was ADHD, I would have known it long before now. + +I'm wondering if anyone out there has a diagnosis of bipolar and ADHD. How do you cope? What does the combination of meds look like for you? My biggest concern is adding on an ADHD med because of the link to psychosis that's come out recently.",Bipolar +45481,"finally got up the courage to go to the Psychiatrist. I'd been hesitant.. scared.. wary.. about going before. Thoughts racing through my head of what a diagnosis would mean for me. My pdoc didn't feel comfortable giving me a diagnosis for anything other than general anxiety/depression, and recommended I go to a specialist so I could get more accurate treatment. Took me well over a year to finally go. I'd made appointments and blew them off , never actually going. I'm so glad I did now. + + +I had to get over the fact that I would get diagnosed with 'something' and it would be on my medical records. I guess I had some preconceived notion that it would never go away and there would be some sort of stigma attached to me everywhere I go. Irrational as that may sound, it is what prevented me from seeking professional help. + + +I finally went this past Monday, spent an hour with a P.A. talking about my history, what meds I am currently on (Lexapro/Wellbutrin from my pdoc), etc. She took that information and talked to one of their head Psychiatrists about it, then came back about 15 minutes later with him. He was very nice, understanding, and seemed genuinely interested and concerned about my care. My personal research proved to be right. I have Bipolar II. I felt an inner sense of calmness and clarity now that I had a professional, someone that has spent their life studying conditions such as this, verifying that yes indeed, there was something amiss in my brain. And that better help was coming. + + +Lexapro had been working WONDERS for my anxiety and slightly for depression as well. Wellbutrin didn't seem to do much, but made life ""liveable"". I was not thriving or excited about anything. Just going through the motions. + + +He took me off Wellbutrin and replaced it with a mood stabilizer, Trileptal. I stopped the Wellbutrin cold turkey and started Trileptal that same night. I had a really good Tuesday and today is looking great as well. + + +I feel much better now that I was finally able to get over myself and get proper help, and hopefully better meds to balance my moods. I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks. By then I hope to see even more positive changes with the Trileptal. + + +I also chose to stop drinking cold turkey as well. I knew I had been drinking too much for too long. Each time I drank it was 6+ beers, and sometimes 4-5 nights a week. It became routine. A way to quell my mind at the end of the night. To slow the racing thoughts. It took the words from the Psychiatrist to really cement it in my brain that alcohol counteracts anti depressants and that in order to feel better, I would need to make a lifestyle change. He said the Trileptal would assist in those nighttime racing thoughts. + + +I even stopped smoking cannabis. This happened after I started the Wellbutrin. I think that can be attributed to the fact that Wellbutrin is somewhat of a cessation tool used for people quitting cigarettes. The urge or desire to smoke (which used to be daily) just stopped. I don't care anymore. It doesn't really do anything for me. Even with my MMJ card and specific strains, all it really did was numb me and slow my brain down (again like with Alcohol to slow the racing thoughts). So without the alcohol and cannabis, I feel strongly that I can finally let my mind be a blank slate for the psych meds to work properly and not be counteracted or made less effective by other psychoactive chemicals. + + +I am committed to feeling better, and if drinking La Croix instead of beer helps in any way, I'm all for it. I want to be able to let the meds do their job in the most effective manner. + + +Thanks for being here, community. I may not post much but do lurk frequently and have gleaned a ton of helpful insights over time since I have been subbed. + + +I hope you all have a wonderful day!",Bipolar +49782,"ISO Support Groups I’ve really loved being part of this subreddit and having a place for support and understanding. It’s not toxic here and that’s so hard to find! + +If you have any suggestions for other places online like here, I would love a link or info! + +(If needed, for reference, I have Bipolar 2, C-PTSD, and Dependent Personality Disorder.)",Bipolar +46381,"A sense of place Hi guys....this is a post I've been thinking of making for a while, but I have a hard time wording it. It's one of the big things I struggle with and I think it contributes to my anxiety and depression, but I don't know how to express it to others. + +Here it is: I grew up in a rural area, and I hated it. When I went away to college at age 18, I moved to a suburb outside of a major city, met great new people from all over the world, explored the city even though the college is about a 30 min drive/subway ride from it. Basically.....I had fun, felt comfortable with the people around me, explored new places, and felt proud of where I was even though, to others, it was a bland suburb. + +Ever since finishing college, I have been searching for that feeling again: that feeling of just being in the right spot, where I need to be. + +It's been almost 15 years since I left that area. Since then, I've lived in 3 different places, two suburbs of major cities and downtown in a mid-size city. + +Everywhere I go, I long for that feeling of knowing that where I am is a perfect fit....that feeling I only had for the six years (Bachelors and Masters at the same college) I lived in that suburb, at my college. + +I now live in a suburb of another major city...basically the same distance (about 30 min) away from the city, but with good public transportation so I can go to the city anytime I want...just like the suburb where I went to college. I have met a few great friends here. It is basically the same situation (suburb of a large city, good friends, good public transit to put me in the city when I want to go there).......but I almost hate it here. + +It doesn't make any sense! My husband is obsessed with buying a house here (which is a crazy fantasy bc there's no way we can afford a downpayment anytime soon, but that's a whole other issue), and I almost get panic attacks thinking about staying here for the rest of my life. + +And yet, every time we move, I'm dissatisfied there, too. My husband says that if it were up to me, we'd just keep moving from place to place for the rest of our lives because whenever we end up somewhere, I immediately start talking about moving somewhere else. + +On paper these places are basically the same as the place where I felt the most comfortable, but they don't feel right...in the three places I've lived since leaving that college, I've felt like a puzzle piece that just doen't fit. + +I guess i'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way: a sense of never being in the place where you belong....or is this just my own anxiety that's for some reason clinging to this particular issue? + +I hope this makes sense. I've been trying to explain it to my husband and a number of psychiatrists over the year, and they just don't seem to get it.",Bipolar +50211,"Mourning over becoming stable? I've had BP1 what appears to be my whole life and saw all the chaos as just part of who I was and that was okay. Now that I've been working towards getting stable I've looked back and realised just how bad I've been and how bad I've hurt people (including myself). + +I've let go of the guilt now and im happy that I've committed to getting better for the future, but part of me feels sad with my brain feeling so quiet. I feel empty and boring and like what made me ""me"" is now gone so I'm having to relearn this healthier version of myself? It feels so scary for some reason. I also feel like I can't explain that to anyone who doesn't have what we have, partly brcause I don't want to as I feel like I should be happy that I'm doing so well and finally feel at peace. I hope this makes sense and I also hope that I'm not the only one that's going through/has gone through this. + +If you have, how can you make this easier :( I definitely won't give up on my meds/therapy for the sake of the people I love and my future, but it does feel so tempting to stop and go back to what feels familiar.",Bipolar +45492,Any tips on knowing when you're ready to go back to work after being on disability Does anyone have any tips? My mood is starting to lift from a dark depression but I am still worried I am not good enough to return to work. Also I am sleeping 12+ hours a day which would make it hard to function while working.,Bipolar +45405,"Question for older people: does it really get better? So I'm almost 13 years in on this. I was diagnosed when I was 24, so I've been consciously dealing with it for a big chunk of my adult life, and, honestly, while my episodes aren't as outwardly extreme, it doesn't feel like I am getting better; I'm just controlled and left with an uncomfortable anxiety and paranoia in place of the bigger feelings. + +And some of the more peripheral symptoms are definitely more pronounced and progressive. Every year it seems like I have more trouble with memory, attention, and verbal ability. I have ways to work around all of this, but it's exhausting to keep myself ""on"" and not get lost in thought. My s/o sometimes doesn't understand me or has to remind me to answer someone if they've asked me a question and I'm just staring into space. + +It feels like I have a very slow, drawn out terminal illness. + +How does this progress? What is this going to be like at the 25 or 50 year mark?",Bipolar +45747,"Latuda Withdrawals/Akathisia Hi All, + +I was put on Latuda for about 3 weeks (1 at 10mg, 2 at 20mg) as my previous stabiliser wasn't doing much for me. I assumed my worsening depression/anxiety were withdrawals but by week 3 I ended with akathisia that has really fucked me up. + +Pdoc took me off it immediately and prescribed me 0.25mg Xanax to take as needed (which I had been taking one or two of intermittently to cope with the transition) It's been 12 days since my last Latuda dose but I'm still having major depression/panic/crying fits and I'm concerned that the longer I take the Xanax the more reliant I'm going to become on it. I'm already taking between 1.25-2mg/day and while I'm having more frequent periods of stability, it's sometimes taking more Xanax to get there and boy do I come crashing down hard once that 5 hour mark passes. + +Has anyone had similar experiences coming off Latuda? I'd think that with only 3 weeks on I'd be in the clear by now, but I've heard some horror stories and I'm also terrified of replacing one set of symptoms with another the longer I stay on Xanax. + +Thanks.",Bipolar +50286,"Just submmited the write up of my research proposal! Ok, so today was the deadline but (I think) as many of us, for some reason I ALWAYS wait till there is two days left to start working on important things. 3000 words in two days, and everything makes sense! I am so happy I achieved it (two months ago I attempted suicide and had to be sent to a psychiatric institution). Just wanted to share it with the group. I hope I get an offer!! Have a great day :)",Bipolar +46643,"Lyrics that hit home Was listening to music and these lyrics stood out to me. I figured others here could relate ;) + +> When we last met who was I? + +> I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye + +> The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out + +> I'm sorry how you'll take this + +> But I just don't have the patience anymore + +",Bipolar +45594,"Sleep-talking and Restlessness with Bipolar Disorder? I've struggled with Bipolar Disorder for years. I'm almost 20, and I notice a lot that I end up sleep talking. I've had a couple occasions where I wake up in the middle of the night and I start having a conversation with one of my friends, just like I would do at any other point in the day. I would feel like my friend is sitting in the chair in the corner of my room just having a conversation with me in the dark, and I will wake up and talk for a couple of minutes (what it seems like at least) before I seem to pull out of it and freak out a little when I realize that it wasn't real. + +It gets WAY worse when my boyfriend sleeps over at my apartment. When I used to stay at my ex's house as well, I remember sleep-talking over there. + +When my boyfriend slept over last week, I had at least 4 instances within the night of tossing and turning where I started having nightmares, and then talking through them. There were a couple points in the night where I ""woke up"" and shook my boyfriend on the shoulder and started talking to him like he was my old best friend Shelby. I began talking to ""Shelby"" about how our friendship had been on the rocks but we should try and be best friends again. He was mostly sound asleep and wrapped his arms around me and I remember thinking ""Oh, that's not Shelby"" right before I fell back into a short, but deep sleep. + +It happened with another nightmare that same night, I woke up crying and saying ""I don't know why you would do this, why did you have to do that? Why did you cheat on me? You know loyalty is so important to me,"" because in my dream I guess my boyfriend had been unfaithful or something, and I was in the in-between of asleep and awake and I started lecturing my very-faithful boyfriend on why he dream-cheated on me (lol). But after a minute of talking to him (he's a heavy sleeper, so he didn't really fully listen right away to what I was saying), I snap out of it almost every time, even just a little bit and realize that I wasn't actually having a convo with anyone. + +It's a really bizarre scenario, and it's happened a few times. + +Another one I can specifically think of included sleep walking and sleep talking at my ex's house. I started having a full-on conversation at 3 am after having been sound asleep, and I started talking about how I wanted to watch the movie School of Rock (idk why haha). + +It's hard because it's not a full-on sleeptalking I don't think. I have a weird experience where in the moment, I am aware that I am having a conversation, even though I think my body is about 10% aware that the people I am talking to are just from my dreams. It's so strange. I'm sorry if this is confusing, but if anyone has any experience with intense & regular sleep-talking, please do share!!",Bipolar +49560,"Dealing with this condition. Hello everyone! This is my first time posting in this group. I was diagnosed with bp2 after struggling for years with depression and supposedly mania also. But I was also diagnosed with adhd a little over a month ago. Both felt like I was diagnosed relatively quickly. Idk if that’s a good or bad thing. My depression has always been bad especially in my teens but my best friend died of suicide when I was 18 and it got worse from there. Im currently 21 and have no will or desire to pretty much live( not suicidal I think) life just seems pointless when im always depressed, I have zero motivation to do anything. Im in therapy but it feels like it’s not helping. I was recently put on vyvanse to help with my supposed adhd diagnosis. It’s helped with my motivation a little but hasnt really done much. And every anti depressant/psychotic has either made me worse or done the bare minimum which is keeping me alive. Ive been on 5+ different medications since my bp2 diagnosis 2 years ago. Ive had maybe 2 or 3 hypo manic phases since my diagnosis but their never anything more than a day or 2 of euphoria and more motivation and a splash of poor impulsive decision making. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than how the fuck do you guys deal with this? My lifes been at a complete stand still since I was around 16-17. I have no diploma, no job and not a single desire to pretty much be a human at this point. Sorry for the long post I just figured I’d give an insight to what life is for me. Any help/advice is much appreciated since I feel so alone and like no one understands.",Bipolar +46943,"Unbearable, mind boggling irritability I had my meds down to a science. Topamax, Seroquel, Buspar, Sertraline, Gabapentin, and a little Klonopin for the bad days. And then something happened. I developed an allergy to Seroquel. A bad one. I had been fighting a rash for weeks without nailing down the cause...took two Seroquel and 45 minutes later I went into shock. If my husband had not hit me with the epipen I would have been dead almost immediately. + +&#x200B; + +I had to give up ALL my meds. We are slowly reintroducing ( I take 1 sertraline a day and the occasional klonopin) because this is the 7th time I have developed a reaction after years of taking a medication. I realize not dying is super important......but. + +&#x200B; + +I can live with mood swings, fatigue, headaches, depression, anxiety- and more. But this irritability is not okay. I quit smoking 4 yers ago. It feels like that only worse. I wan't everyone around me to sit down and shut up. People at work drive me crazy. My kid drives me crazy. My husband drives me crazy. I spend my entire day 5 seconds from screaming, crying, or throwing something. + +&#x200B; + +Does anyone else deal with this pervasive irrational bitchiness???? + +NOTE: For those of you that will ask - I have an appointment with my Pych tomorrow, just looking for some feedback from folks that may have felt the same thing.",Bipolar +46437,"I think the best thing I’ve realized is that I may not be able to walk my entire life I don’t know where to share this, so I thought I’d share it here since it’s such a great community and it’s good to think about things you’re grateful for. + +I’m thankful I’m able bodied. I’m thankful for my medication. I may have 20 more years before I could possibly get MS. I might never get it, but I’m more likely than the average person. + +But I’m still able bodied now. I can enjoy walking places. I can enjoy climbing and going up stairs upon stairs. I can enjoy the sand and water on my feet. I can enjoy having to stand all day. + +I might not be able to for my entire life, but knowing that allows me to enjoy my legs, my brain, and my life right now. A lot of people don’t get that until they suddenly don’t have a limb, or they’re old and their body becomes increasingly more frail. + +Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the little things. Even the fact you’re under a ton of blankets cold or have to wait for your car to heat up. + +I hope we all have a lot more time to enjoy what we have. Sometimes we/I take the time we/I have for granted. 20 years sounds like a lot, but that’s only double my age. + +I hope you all are having a good day. Stay toasty.",Bipolar +45841,"Is there a protection against noise complaints during mental episodes? Hey guys, + +I've been getting noise complaints from my mental breakdowns that are either the truth or (most of the time) overinflated (i.e cries reported as screams, laughter reported as ""violent fighting"" etc). I was wondering if there's an ADA accommodation that can protect disabled people from getting evicted from excessive noise related to illness? + +Thanks. + +PS The walls are non-insulated and very thin.",Bipolar +49635,"Proud of myself! Being responsible and getting stuff done! I've been needing to get my oil changed for the past 1,000 miles and my headlight has been out for at least a month + +Today I finally got my oil changed, my headlights replaced, and even changed my car air filters! + +I think I'll even get my tabs renewed!",Bipolar +49561,,Bipolar +46538,"Has anyone gotten out of an episode by using LSD? I was in the midst of a horrible mixed episode and impulsively took half a hit. It was a partly beautiful partly scary trip, and definitely a stupid thing to do when I was already so messed up, but I felt great the next day, and over the next weeks finally started to stabilize after almost three months of bipolar hell. It might be a coincidence and I'm definitely not recommending you do this, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, especially after reading things like [this](https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/feb/10/amanda-feilding-lsd-can-reset-the-brain-interview)",Bipolar +50428,"Feeling down again Hi everyone, idk I think this is just ranty but need to move this energy into something else. Been feeling so so down especially these last few weeks. We upped my Wellbutrin so hopefully that helps. Everything just feels so pointless and I’m really struggling to find a reason why I should even be here. I thought that school motivated me but now I’m just repulsed having to do school work even if it’s about something that I used to enjoy reading/writing about. Do I even want to major in this anymore? Do I even want to do this career?? Do I even want to do ANYTHING? Nothing is fun anymore, I can barely find the motivation to play my favorite games. I usually just end up laying in my bed with my phone or watching the same show everyday. What are you supposed to do when nothing sounds appealing to do? + +Work fucking sucks all the time, which makes me sad because I really loved this job. It’s taking everything in me to not just go cry in the bathroom after every single customer interaction. And then I feel guilty because they pay me well and provide great benefits so I should be thankful right? Idek WHY it sucks, customers aren’t that bad and my coworkers are cool enough. The work itself isn’t hard or boring. But I just don’t even want to work. But then when I’m home I don’t want to be there either and I feel like a piece of shit for laying in bed all day. + +Idk, I’m not gonna do anything but it’s been *really* hard to want to be here anymore. I don’t want to tell my therapist cuz tbh a stay in a psych ward sounds substantially boring and lonely. And I would miss my partner too much. And my cat. I *think* about stuff I should/could do to improve my life and it’s an endless cycle: thinking of all the great things I should do tomorrow (exercising, rearranging my bedroom to be more comfortable, whatever). Then I wake up and do none of it. And feel bad all day. Sometimes I wish I was manic just so I could feel something other than shitty. But mania sucks too so?? Sorry, I’ll get off the soap box now I just wanted to scream my sadness into the Internet void.",Bipolar +46275,"Akathisia: Abilify vs Rexulti? I am on Abilify and it is working really well. However, the akathisia is near intolerable so my doctor is switching me to Rexulti (supposedly has fewer side effects). Anyone make the switch from Abilify to Rexulti for akathisia reasons? Also, how did it affect your appetite/weight gain? My appetite is way up but I'd rather be stable if it means being a little chunkier haha",Bipolar +49732,"Cold showers Going to try it to help shake this depression cycle. It’s lasting longer than usual and I can’t afford to let go all of my progress. My usual go to methods are not stimulating me enough to make the switch. + +Anyone tried cold showers? How did it turn out for you?",Bipolar +50126,"old friendship need serious advice (a manic episode read til the end should i call this girl on the phone ) i need you all to be brutally honest. i sent a whole paragraph to a friend/acquaintance about how i didn’t like this girl +and had this whole plan not to sit next to her. (she’s like the most hated girl in school the one i didn’t want to sit by). i made this whole weird plan about her getting there early and bringing binders that are labeled the sport i play on it to pretend we are planning sports camps. then said it would be good for national honors society. honestly if you guys want more information about the message i sent to her i can copy and paste it i just really don’t want to because it’s embarrassing and hard to look back on. she responded well even though she hated her for a while too. she just said “she’s going through a lot just smile” which is a perfect mature answer. i talked to her (when i wasn’t manic) about how she is a really good remodel and i inspire to her and she really liked that. but before i did that ⚠️ IMPORTANT PART ⚠️ +i texted my other friend(idk what we are now) about it. i said in voice memos that i was manic and wrote a whole paragraph about how i hated this girl then sent it to my other friend. this other girl who i was talking about before i wrote “important part” is someone she would say rather be friends with then me. then i spammed her with tiktoks afterward the voice memo because i told her i didn’t want to be embarrassing by it in the future??? i don’t know what i said, it was clearly something i’d never say. the REAL PROBLEM is her mother has bipolar. but like the stereotypical bipolar not something that i would be like. she says stuff that you could probably image very disfunctional women and the father is too. this was probably a huge trigger for her. i forgot about it until i tagged her in a post and left me on read. then i asked her questions about the sport and she was never a dry texter and said stuff like +yes +no +sure +i realized then and remembered what happened. i texted her to ask if i could call her tomorrow and she said “sure” that was like 3-7 days ago though. i’m not sure whether to call her text her or even address this situation. if i did address it how would i, would i call her, text her, or??? this is just a very hard situation and idk what to do. please help me",Bipolar +45509,"Well, I’m bipolar. Hey folks. + +After a very shitty year where I lost our house to foreclosure, our savings, and nearly did in my loving family (wife and two daughters, 13 and 10), I’ve been diagnosed as bipolar. + +The psychiatrist has me on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant for now, which seem to be helping. They’re still making a full assessment so we’ve got a ways to go as yet. + +My wife has been amazing — despite the shock of the foreclosure and all the monetary problems she’s stayed with me and helped me find well recommended doctors and therapists for help. + +We’ve been going through couples counseling as well to help us get on the same page — the couples counselor suggested I might be bipolar, which started us working through the diagnosis process and into treatment. + +My kids haven’t been told of the diagnosis yet, and we’re not sure if or when we will tell them, or how. + +Personally, I’m a little freaked out. I’ve already been diagnosed as ADD, which seems to also be correct, but that seems a lesser issue since I am able to hyper focus and accomplish a lot. Or maybe that was a combination of hyper focus and manic episodes. + +I’m having trouble coming to terms with who’s right now. It’s been a hard blow, and has fractured my self image. I’ve always considered myself in control of my mind and actions and now I really don’t know what I’m in control of any more. It’s been surreal and I’ve been feeling a little lost. + +I don’t have any specific questions at this time; I partly wrote this to just make the diagnosis more real. + +Any comments anyone can provide are welcome. I’ve got so much to learn. ",Bipolar +50569,"Should I tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab? So this is related to bipolar medication, I’m on 500mg ER quetiapine, I take it every night, however, I had to pull an all nighter for class so I misses the dose last night. However, I get symptoms if I don’t take the quetiapine at the same time each night, so I had to take it in the morning because I started getting symptoms. Basically I don’t think I can even get to class right now because I’m so out of it, normally I sleep after taking it so I forgot how crazy the side effects can be especially because I haven’t have food in awhile. So , do I go to lab in this zombie state, or tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab, while probably inconveniencing everyone who have helped me lots this semester and been very accommodating.im worried too bc it would mess up my lab schedule, and my report is due in a week . But i dont think i can go out an d function right now",Bipolar +50232,,Bipolar +49497,Constant Drowsiness on meds? Does anyone else experience this? I can’t really describe it other than it feels like I can’t keep my eyes open or concentrate- it’s not just feeling tired. I’ve gone down in dosages three times and am still having this problem. All else seems okay though? From what I’ve read online drowsiness is common with bipolar meds but I haven’t seen any suggestions to help it?,Bipolar +45800,"I feel ashamed about the dumb stuff I said whilst hypomanic So I am in a hypomanic episode and looking back on the things I said and did, I feel so embarrassed. +My parents are away so only my maid was there and I still managed to tell her weird secrets and proceeded to show her all my dumb drawings of my imaginary boyfriend as well as showing her all the shows (not really a show but a game that has many stories) that I watch and pointing out which guy I’m in love with. +I have no clue why I done this! I feel deeply ashamed for doing this and revealing personal secrets. I also yelled at my grandma (she did deserve it but I should have just hanged up the call), complained about my mum and stepdad to my maid, grandpa, grandma and (biological) father. + +I also went and bought lots of random cooking stuff and makeup that doesn’t suit me, so now I have to return it. And I bought 3 bags of cereal. I am not even allowed cereal by mum. No clue why I bought it. So yeah... + +P.S. For any people who are going to be like “go get a diagnosis and meds and this wont happen” : I don’t want to right now. I have nothing to gain from **just** getting diagnosed, and while I do want meds one day, I will wait until I have kids, because I don’t want to take pills when I’m pregnant, and apparently withdrawal symptoms are horrible. Also I’m scared of the side effect of gaining weight. + +What’s the weirdest/most embarrassing/most regrettable thing you did when (hypo)manic? Did you apologise/explain afterwards that you had bipolar?",Bipolar +50554,"Life has left me hopeless. First, thank you for reading my rant, even if you don't make it to the end... + +Life advice please... + +30f, relationship with 31m, anf we have a 9mo son. + +We lost the home we were renting back in Dec, due to mold. We've been back and forth between the in-laws since. I'm in school and he is looking for work, but also is waiting for his Bar exam results. + +I can't stand living with other people. I'm currently dealing with my mental health (Bipolar and ADHD) and it's hard to function at times. The other day I was overwhelmed by my MIL who wanted us to bring the baby over to meet some family last minute. That ended with me yelling at her when she came to the car wanting to take my son out because he was crying. I told her to worry about her children, not mine. + +This morning at 6am, I woke up to find my partner in his parents room talking. When he came back he stated ""It's me & you"" over and over. Later, he explained how no one will understand me or my Bipolar and how much weight I carry and how hard it can get for me on a daily basis. He didn't go into full details of the convo because I'm an overthinker, but him stating his parents asking if I'm in therapy or taking medications, made it obvious. That's when my partner got upset because he saw how I consistently have to deal with our families not understanding. As I told him, not many ever will. + +I hate living with the in-laws. I love them, but I don't do well with the MIL always home. Having someone consistently there and always watching what's being done with my son, being there to greet him all the time, or making opinions like ""he's hungry, he wants milk, look at this, look at that"" etc has really been getting on my nerves. To the point that now I can't stand her voice or go into a negative mood when I know she's going to be around. + +My partner and I both feel uncomfortable staying at each others parents. Financially we are unstable at the moment and were trying to figure out what our next move is... + +When my son was born, the first two weeks, we got covid. Then, after 6 months of living alone, we lose our home to mold. During Christmas, I went through a perfect storm of depression with losing the house and overwhelmed by everyone wanting to meet my son. I feel like his first year was one of the hardrst for me and I want to be able to enjoy these 3 months before he turns a year, but it's been so hard... + +SO! + +Any advice? Any recommendations on work from home? Any knowledge regarding starting a dropshipping business to earn an income? + +I need to do something because I can't keep living thi way. This is the most I've thought about suicide and that's not fair to me or my son! I'm looking for any avenue to be able to provide for my son. I miss having our own home and I miss alone time with my boys and I miss being content and feeling some happiness... HELP!",Bipolar +50048,"To anyone who journals or tracks their mood, how do you log mania/delusional ideation? This is always something I've been stumped about whenever I do mood tracking. How do you log your tracker if you're manic or experiencing/feeling some delusional ideation? How are you sure if your mood tracking is accurate during these states? I've seen many mood trackers esp in the bipolar community... I don't know how to accurately track your feelings when you're in these moments. I still have difficulty differentiating/seeing my elevated moods or disordered thinking.",Bipolar +46421,Emotional support animals My cat is pretty much the only being keeping me from completely falling apart. My newest round of Med Roulette has me feeling odd and I'm too anxious to call my psychiatrist. My cat is on my chest purring loudly. She's trying her damndest to stop the panic and she usually can. Hopefully this will pass. ,Bipolar +50499,,Bipolar +50572,My friend feels she’s is being outcast after advocating for neurodivergent individuals I’m new to this sub so let me first thank you all for this wealth of information you all have been so kind to share. Like the title says my friend feels as though she has been bullied and ostracized from her fellow coworkers since coming forward with her bipolar diagnosis. Who can we turn to that will advocate for her rights?,Bipolar +46771,"Has anyone ever been in an extended stay hospital? I’ve been here three weeks, and after some initial drama/mood issues I’ve been an almost stereotypical mental patient — doing yoga, watercolors etc. But damn is it a stifling, tense environment. I know i’m lucky my insurance is letting me stay here, but it’s more difficult than i thought it’d be.Feels like fancy jail sometimes tbh since we can’t leave and are in an isolated are, though the staff are nice (tho extremely overworked). + +Any tips to cope? Tips in general? ",Bipolar +50011,"What is “normal”? I’m very new to all of this. I was diagnosed with bipolar II about 6 months ago after I checked myself into an inpatient facility. I’m a 28 year old female and I’m coming to terms with my diagnosis, but I haven’t seen anyone or taken any medication since I left the facility. Does anyone else struggle to tell the difference between what’s “normal” behavior and what’s manic behavior? For example, I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, and out of the blue last week I just decide I don’t want to be with him anymore and lose all feelings for him. And all of these reasons to leave that I keep telling myself sound completely valid, but how can I go from loving him and wanting to marry him to just complete indifference? When I get like this I turn cold towards him and want nothing to do with him. I feel annoyed when he tries to talk to me. Is that normal? Just to add, I’ve done this like 10 times over the course of our 2 year relationship and feel so guilty later on. I just don’t want to rashly and regret anything later. Does anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +46888,"I need energy! So back in September I finally came out of a multi-year depression, and since then I’ve been getting CBT which has helped so much. But I’m still dealing with daily fatigue. I have a fairly light school/work schedule right now and it still tires me out. I feel like I’m really being held back by it and worried I won’t be able to go away to grad school. I’m exhausted from the moment I get up in the morning, and I’m finding it really hard to sit down and write. It’s mental as well as physical fatigue, hard to focus my brain on anything. I miss feeling “sharp”. + +I’m dx’d BP2 + BPD + OCD tendencies, but I haven’t experienced true hypomania in a very long time—I’m more prone to mixed episodes/irritability. I *do* experience occasional psychotic episodes (paranoia, delusions, that make my brain feel like it's been electrocuted and often leaves me ""hungover""), but these (in addition to most of my self harm urges) seem to be a result of the BPD as opposed to the Bipolar. I’ve been on lamotrigine (225 mg) since 2012/2013 + went on bupropion (Wellbutrin) almost 2 years ago (200 mg). The bupro I went on to try to bring myself out of depression; it worked a bit, and I tolerate it, but nothing miraculous. + +Now that I’m not in a depression, though, and I’m *still* so tired, I’m wondering what else to do. My doctor ran a bunch of bloodwork and my iron was kinda low, but taking iron supplements hasn’t fixed anything. I even tried taking Cytomel despite (hypo end of) normal thyroid testing, but it made me very ragey and I had to stop. My Dr’s temp suggested that maybe it’s the lamotrigine causing fatigue, which is interesting, and I might try bringing it down a titch, but a couple years ago I lowered it a bit (under supervision) and my self-harm urges went up. But I also want to try lowering it a bit for brain fog reasons (i.e., it gives me brain fog). + +So! While that’s something I can try, I’m also wondering about energizing adjuncts. Wellbutrin is not giving me energy (or, if it is, I’d hate to see how I am without it)—(nor is it raising my libido or suppressing my cravings; it just seems to have given me tinnitus but I’m still worried about going off it because this is still the most stable/non-depressed I’ve been in years). Tbh at the end of last semester I turned to energy drinks in desperation, and—they don’t make me manic? Sometimes I barely feel them. Still, those are obviously not great to be using. + +So I’ve been looking into modafinil/armodafinil, and Vyvanse … I imagine I would stay on lamotrigine because I overall tolerate it and it seems to be doing *something* … + +Sorry this is rambly, and yes I’ve used search for past threads but— + +**tl;dr – Any thoughts on adding modafinil/armodafinil** ***or*** **Vyvanse to lamotrigine? Any other ideas on ways to gain energy? Is this the lamotrigine? The bipolar itself? Something else??** + +Thanks all!!",Bipolar +50511,"Slipping Into A ""Classic"" Depression Very Weird For Me. So it's been years like 15+ years since I've had a depression that was not a mixed episode. I'd been pretty stable tye past 3 years, but my migraines at least that's what my doctor thinks they wre (had them for years) have been getting worse. Last year I wound up in the ER with one so bad that I went from moving under my own steam to get in the door (with the worst pain in my life, made running over my foot with a one story tall steel gate feel like kiddy play) to needing help into a wheel chair cause I couldn't even stand. + +I've had 3 rounds of blood work all normal a CT scan and MRI normal. Now an oximetry test Tuesday night. (Waiting on doctor to interpret the results) and an appointment with a neurologist august 9th (soonest they had) and required taking a personal day off work cause it won't fit well in my work day. + +They've never actually gone away. Even on days I don't record as having one I low-key always have pain, just it's at a threshold tolerable enough I can for tye most part ignore it. But most days of the week I've got headache and/or the front of my ""brain"" feels like it's being prickled with pins and needles (not in pain those, thats reserved for my temples and the icepicks behind my eyes) it makes my brain mush, and makes me feel physically weak. But every appointment I have because of that they test for a stroke but I come out normal/no stroke. And my mind is mush it can't think it's way out of a wet paper bag full of holes, heck it will even struggle for forum words. + +I just feel so hopeless and empty and broken. Like a pathetic, worthless loser and failure at everything,. That I'm not worth shit. And between tye two I'm always exhausted and don't have the energy or will to do things and even when I force myself I feel like I'm shit at it. But I'm also super irritable and pissy and angry alot. So much of the time I could scream and shout but cry and beat myself in the head at the same time. I struggling very hard to use my logic and tools to get out from under all this.",Bipolar +50551,"How to keep from being defined by being bipolar I'm going apologize ahead for punctuation but I will try. I am 43 M luckily been married to a wonderfully patient woman for 20 years, my entire life I have messed everything up including a military career and thought it was just who I am. I have been in and out of hospitals and thought everyone else was crazy, I have been diagnosed and accept that I am bipolar but I don't want it to define me its hard when I hear people around me say ""that explains so much"". How do I keep from Bipolar becoming who I am.",Bipolar +49605,"Strangest symptoms medicine helps with I realized that food textures no longer bother me as much like mushrooms. I can eat them without being disgusted. Does psychosis or whatever make food textures weird or is it just something random? + + + +What has been your experience?",Bipolar +45719,"I just really need to rant about the aspects of bipolar disorder I’ve been struggling with the most lately: side effects, mania, moods.. It’s been almost a year since I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder & my first and only manic episode. I cringe so much when I think about the time I was manic. I know I need to be nice to myself because I literally had no control over it, but I just hate the person I was for like a week. I thought I felt empathy for the first time in my life, and also thought I could read minds and was super obsessed with eye contact and the subconscious mind. Classic bipolar shit. It hurts to watch shows that depict people having manic episodes. I wish I could just erase that part of my life, which I guess I am doing to the best of my ability. Just blocking it out. Didn’t happen. +But now I’m on lithium and lamictal, which have thankfully allowed me to at least seem sane to other people, but honestly I’m lying when I say they’re making me feel all better. They’re not. Lithium fucking sucks. I have no appetite. I’m nauseous 97% of the time, and eating makes it worse. I used to have such a beautiful figure, but I’m getting so fucking skinny, my curves are going away. I tried to eat a lot two nights ago because I really want to gain a few pounds but I ended up feeling so nauseous, I just can’t do that often enough to gain weight back. And the fucking flaking. I feel so disgusting. My skin has never flaked before but my left ear now flakes so much daily. I hate it. +And probably the worst of all, it feels like my head is no longer mine. I can’t trust my thoughts or my feelings. As soon as I start to get passionate about something, I start speaking quickly, my mind races, my hands start shaking, and boom I’m hypomanic, thinking about all the weird shit I thought about during mania, making sense of things that don’t exist. I can’t even fucking explain that to anyone because none of my friends have bipolar disorder and none of them get it. So I’m just trying to act normal while my head is just being literally insane. This almost entirely defeats my ability to feel joy about anything, literally. If I’m not hypomanic, I’m just stuck in depression. I feel really alone. I miss who I used to be before all this happened. +I wish I could just turn it off, you know? I can’t even self-medicate with alcohol because if I have more than a few drinks I’ll throw up in the morning. +Hopefully it gets easier.",Bipolar +49989,"Lamictal brain Edit: my doctor already agreed that I can try a lower dose of lamictal, but he generally lets me decide what I want to do when it comes to meds since nobody else could figure me out. Please stop deleting this. + +So basically med-induced stupidity is ruining my life. Being smart is my thing, it’s the only thing I have going for me pretty much. I’ve been labeled a “genius”with a 140+ iq for my entire life and now I can’t do basic math. I’m freaking out, it’s so bad I might actually flunk out of school at this rate. + +I’ve been on lamictal for years and always knew it made my memory and cognition worse, but it never was that big of a problem because I wasn’t doing anything that hard. + +All of that changed this year when I went back to studying computer science in college, something that I was always good at. But now I can’t do anything, and I mean that. I can’t remember anything for more than ten seconds, it takes me 10x how much time it should for me to learn anything and my brain just doesn’t work. I’m a month behind in both of my stem classes. Even when I was in a mixed psychotic episode I was 10x smarter than this, hell even when I was hospitalized I was smarter than this! So I know for sure that it is the meds causing this, not the disorder itself. + +I’m scared of stopping it completely but I want to at least try cutting the dose. My psychiatrist agreed that it could potentially help, but he also pretty much said he doesn’t know much about it. I used take 400 and going down to 200 helped a little, so I’m planning on going down to 100. Has anybody successfully regained some of their brain power by lowering their dose?",Bipolar +46587,"School/Work Questions Bipolar type I. Senior in college with a campus job. Been in a huge depressive episode, the kind where it's draining to be in public or even leave my room. I haven't really left bed in over a week and have forgotten about work shifts and not shown up. If I go out in public, I have severe anxiety and paranoia. I got an increase in medication but don't feel better yet. I am afraid I will get fired from my job/that I'm going to fail classes at school. I've gone to the office of disabilities but they dont recognize my disorder as a disability where they can give help/accommodations. any tips on how to not get fired and how to save myself from being failed in class? I have a near perfect transcript so this would greatly affect it. thank u in advance",Bipolar +50311,"When I think about advancing in my career be it a job or a degree I feel like I can’t do it and I should die instead. +After my bachelors degree passing out in 2019, I enrolled myself in a masters program abroad in 2021 where I first had an episode and I had to come back and drop out. I’m on medication since 2018 and in continual therapy. After me abruptly leaving my degree course I thought I’ll take up a job in my home country and I did. I worked for a year and then I just couldn’t continue. I had hormonal issues because of my medication and severe depression I was suicidal and I couldn’t attend a single meeting without crying. I left my job this year after revealing that my mental health is not appropriate for work right now and I need a break. Now again I’m planning to do my masters abroad as my boyfriend lives there and I want to live with him. it’s either masters or a job in my home country for a year and then masters. Both options feel difficult and I feel like I can not make it. I have been feeling so stressed that I feel I should give up on life because I can’t do anything with my career and I can’t survive like a dead body. I have to do something. Sometimes I feel so paralysed that I feel like I’m a financial burden to my family and will be a burden on my boyfriend as well if I move.",Bipolar +46969,"Am I Bipolar? Hi I’m in my late teens and would like to know if I’m bipolar or not, I’m asking this because someone told me that I might be bipolar because she thought I was on a manic episode. I would also like you’re experiences of early signs of bipolar + + + +My mood swings during seasons but it kinda has to do with my seasonal affective disorder: + +-winter: feel anxious, sometimes get panick attacks, I even got depressed this year due to me loosing myself to my OCD fears +My fetishes also come at me very strongly in winter, I become hypersexual and cannot control my sexual urges which cause me distress + +-Summer: I feel some sort of euphoria and well being + +-Sometimes I feel very hyperactive and cannot concentrate, move my legs a lot, turn my head a lot, cannot stop laughing at jokes that aren’t even that funny and I have a very strong compulsion to fool around + + + +Paranoi: + +-I hallucinated a few times but they were just like rare, sometimes I hear a voice call my name but it lasts one second +When I’m anxious I tend to have more auditory hallucinations but they don’t scare me because they last like one second. +I remember a few times when I woke up from bed I heard 10 second conversations and once heard someone say my name aggressively but they didn’t really scare me .The voices don’t really interfere with my life or anything. I remember having many hallucinations when I was little of having bee buzzing sounds that disturbed me several times but I don’t have them anymore + + +-Sometimes even now, I am scared in the shower and get anxious so I sometimes have a strong compulsion to see behind the curtains if someone is looking at me to reassure myself because sometimes I feel pressure. + + + +So do you guys think I’m bipolar or not? + + + +",Bipolar +46865,Just learned I am a F-up I haven't cut in 2 years and today really set me off the rails. I know to many it will seem insignificant the reason is because I have to drop out of school. I just am not smart enough to do this. I am trying to be strong but I need the release. I will try to keep myself safe. Sorry just needed a place to vent.,Bipolar +46246,"Went to dinner, and DIDN'T do something stupid. So me and my boyfriend went to dinner, had a good time, finishing up I need to hit the restroom. As I'm getting out I notice the manager of the restaurant was in there, using the facilities. He had stopped by our table and chatted a bit just a bit ago, so I got the idea in my head to offer him a blowjob. It was just me and him, locking stalls... + + +Fuck. It was so tempting. BUT I DIDN'T. + + +So. I'm happy about that. I took my medication, I'm consistent with it, and I know for a fact I'm not manic right now, but god damn! If I wasn't on my medication I know I would have had a much, much harder time tonight resisting that temptation to proposition him.",Bipolar +50437,"How do you accept life the way it is? I feel like I’m never going to have an actual support system or a life worth living. I’ve been homeless for almost a year. Finally got connected with a psychiatrist but he prescribed seroquel and I’m terrified to take it because of the weight gain. + +I don’t have any real life friends and my bf is great but doesn’t fully understand how bad it is inside my head. + +I don’t know how I’m ever going to not live in my car because every time I have some money saved something happens. + +I guess I’m just venting because I have nowhere else to talk to people who may understand. + +Update: found another organization that works with homeless people here so I just completed registration paperwork for that. They also provide mental health services so I’m hoping they will be able to help",Bipolar +46172,"I don't think I am ready to go back to work. I used to be diagnosed with bipolar, but it turns out I'm not. This, however, is the most helpful mental health sub, so I'm going to post it here. + +I have very severe depression. I have been hospitalized twice, last time was two weeks in February. I get SSDI. + +I am not good at understanding myself and I told vocational rehabilitation I was ready to go back with my Ticket to Work. I'm not ready. I'm an idiot. What do I do? I have a meeting scheduled with a ""job developer"" at the end of the month who is going to help me get in the work force.",Bipolar +50390,"How to get motivated to workout when depressed? Basically what it says in the title. + +In theory, I know exercise helps with symptoms, and I like going to the gym when I'm not in the depths of depression. However, when I'm depressed, it's nearly impossible for me to motivate myself to go even semi-consistently. I get stuck doing nothing. I have trouble getting myself to put my gym clothes on, let alone actually walking there and completing a workout. + +Also, I don't experience much, if any, of the usual pleasure I get after I work out (normally I'd feel better afterwards) when I'm depressed, so it's pretty hard to convince myself to do it because ""I'll feel better later"". + +I've tried going for longer walks and other stuff, but if I'm honest dragging myself around my city in the rain alone with my dark thoughts doesn't help much. I go out most days with my dog, but when it gets bad I can't even begin to face it. + +I know I sound like I'm being lazy and dramatic, but I'm serious. I really can't stand the idea of getting up, putting on my clothes, putting on my shoes, getting my dog ready, finding my keys, finding my phone, putting on my coat, locking up, going down the stairs in my apartment building, walking for 40 minutes, climbing the stairs again, then unlocking my door and going in. I get stuck between steps and find myself outside alone in the cold too sad to walk home, or staring at the stairs (pun) in my building unable to drag myself up them. + +I get psychomotor slowing when I'm really bad. It's physically difficult to walk. It feels like my body is made of lead. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to complete an activity that would normally take me half that time. + +For people who've been able to push through this and get themselves to exercise, how?",Bipolar +50496,"I am not well I'm having a very hard time. It's bad enough that people are staring at me in public with concerned looks on their faces. + + +I'm making total strangers uncomfortable just by my presence.",Bipolar +49742,"Do you also do this during hypomanic (mixed?) episodes? TLDR : I'm bipolar type two with mixed features currently in a hypomanic (mixed?) episode. +I experience some of these things: +- clenched jaw +- 10-15 minute panic attack that disappears in a few seconds leaving you confused but not feeling bad (just very confused) +- nightmares and night sweating +- completely forgetting to eat and losing the instinct of eating or liking food except shit like sweets cola coffee and chips (with cigs ofc) +Do you? + +Note : I'm like 95% sure I'm hypomanic right now and have been for almost a month but was in denial until a week ago, seeing psychiatrist on Friday to talk. + +Anyway, I'm experiencing these things and was wondering if anyone else had this: +- clenched jaw most of the time +- random 10-15 minute panic attack/dark dissociation (few times a week, had one where i couldn't contain a scream that was just so guttural like I was giving birth and then started hyperventilating so hard I almost fainted and had to sit down and hold onto something to not fall), but then all of a sudden you have a posotive thought and it disappearears in a second making you wonder what even happened and laughing at how dramatic you are +- nightmares or night sweating +- completely FORGETTING TO EAT, like losing the instinct to eat, even when I'm hungry I don't think about food but I think of resolving the problem so I stuff myself with the easiest fastest food that's kinda nutritious and idc about the taste, like plain slices of protein bread, Bananas (I don't even like the texture or the taste of bananas but its the cleanest and most efficient for hunger), vegan pre-made protein shakes in bottles (over 2 months I've consumed about ~100 of them, I have one every morning and other shit ""meal"" mentioned above) and SOMETIMES have the patience to boil a pack of ravioli that takes 3 minutes to cook and eat it just with olive oil and balsamic vinegar or airfry in 10 minutes a pack of vegan nuggets or fish sticks and eat them plain, yup, no sauce and not evem fried, such a treat (less dishes). + +Btw I'm also diagnosed with mixed episodes and I've experienced them, but usually they are way darker and cold with a bit of psychotic moments, and I just feel superior to others like an evil God and I'm full of rage. +Whereas here I feel quite at peace but a bit out of control, but I know that I'm gonna take care of it soon (going back tomorrow to my parents). And overall I feel happy everyday and grateful and I feel like the world is so beautiful but I just have those breakdowns described above few times a week if not almost daily these days... + +Mmh yeah I talk a lot but that's a known hypimanic thing. + +Thank you for reading if you did and have a good (insert what it is for you) ! ✨️",Bipolar +45534,"Recently diagnosed with bipolar and I'm confused. My psychiatrist re-diagnosed me with Bipolar NOS. I was misdiagnosed for four years. I'm still questioning if I actually have bipolar though because anxiety is my main problem. I haven't really experienced full on mania(atleast I don't think), I only get very irritable and talk fast randomly for a short period of time. I get depressed for about a month then I'm fine. I can see some small signs but nothing that jumps out as being apart of bipolar. I guess I just don't understand yet. I don't know. +Btw, My official diagnoses is bipolar, social anxiety, generalize anxiety, and panic disorder.",Bipolar +46763,"Gabapentin common? I know Gabapentin is common for anxiety disorders, but what about Bipolar? I see it’s used sometimes for it. How well did it work for you?",Bipolar +47001,Looking for a psychologist again I had an unexpected emotional response after talking to the Behavioral Mental Health Receptionist. I immediately cried after getting off the phone. It was very strange. Going to my psychiatrist is a lot different. I don't get emotional about that.,Bipolar +45783,"What do mixed states feel like? I have had depression for a few years now, but I recently learned that I have been experiencing ""hypomania"" symptoms with my depression. I'm going to see my psychiatrist to see what she thinks but in the mean time I'd like to know of your experiences of mixed states. I feel hesitant because from what I've read my symptoms are a lot milder than what they were experiencing. Like I feel empty and it's hard to enjoy things but I also feel agitated and my mind jumps from idea to idea. I also feel very tired all the time but for some reason feel that I don't need to sleep. I have thoughts of feeling worthless and hating myself. Despite feeling empty all the time and feeling exhausted and that nothing brings me joy I get very creative and I have a bunch of ideas of all the things i want to do and feel like I have to do them. I also get frustrated and annoyed easily and feel talkative even though I think that people don't like me. I feel that it is useful for you to know that I have never experienced a hypomanic or manic episode. + +What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? What are your experiences with mixed states like?",Bipolar +46214,"Antipsychs and binge eating?? Seroquel and now Abilify, which I take before bedtime. Is this just me or does everyone get intense munchies from these types of meds? Does anything help to decrease the urge to eat a billion chips and crackers at night once they start kicking in? I would like to not have to choose between being stable or wearing only spandex and capes from now on. ",Bipolar +46091,"I have bipolar and will begin a post-doctoral fellowship researching my own disease in may! Hi! This is my first post in this sub. I’m super excited to share that I’m going to start studying the genetics of bipolar disorder in a couple of months for my post doc. I just graduated with a PhD in biology studying DNA repair. I’m going to be studying the exact mechanism of how lithium works to make people feel better and also why/whether there is a genetic component to why some people with bipolar attempt suicide and why others don’t. This is all extremely personal for me since I have had bipolar I for 12 years and my wife also has bipolar disorder. Anyway, I hope some of you find this interesting/uplifting/cool. Cheers!",Bipolar +49877,"Memory Problems Does anyone else have a terrible memory? Mine started getting worse with my first manic episode, and it hasn’t stopped. I’m only 21 years old and my memory is noticeably deteriorating. I’m so scared I’m gonna start to forget really important core memories. Pretty often, when someone brings up a past event, or something I did or said, I won’t have any recollection of it. My short term memory is also not always great. I’m worried about it and I don’t know if there’s anything I can even do :/",Bipolar +50290,,Bipolar +45878,ECT? Has anyone had experience with ect treatments for Bipolar II? Did they help? How was the experience?,Bipolar +46535,"What should I know about taking propanolol? I get hand tremors from taking lithium so my doctor prescribed me 10mg of propanolol. Will there be bad initial symptoms? What have your experiences been taking it? + +I'm new around here so thanks for any help you can give me. ",Bipolar +50134,"Is it fine or am I loopy from the nonexistent sleep? I am going on 2 weeks of little sleep. Around an hour or 2 a night max. My doctor won’t give me sleep meds due to me being “too young” because I would have to take them forever. I’m looking for a new doctor. + +Anyways I’m having trouble feeling? I am dissociated majority of the time. I can’t seem to go out without everyone noticing. It’s exhausting on top of no sleep.",Bipolar +46617,"I’m jealous I’m probably gonna sound like an asshole, but I’m jealous of everyone that get to be like the “fun” and excited hypomanic. +I jump from like being really hyper one day to raging manic (like ready to kill everyone and agitated) the next day. + +Sorry if I sound like an idiot, I’m just having a hard time dealing with my rage today and I’m finding myself being envious of other people’s situations. I know that people with what I’m calling the “fun” manic struggle really hard and their situation probably isn’t any easier than mine. ",Bipolar +50118,"Mood tracker app with time weighted entry Basically the title + +I'm looking for a mood tracking app that can weight my entries based on the time I recorded them. All of them I tried an entry counts as one. So if I feel awesome (that's a 5) and for the evening I feel terrible (that's a 1) it counts as my day was a 3. + +But in realty if felt awesome for like 10 hours and terrible for 1 would be useful if it would count as 4.6. + +I feel like that would a more accurate representation of my feelings at the end of the day",Bipolar +46800,"Waiting 6 months and counting for any mental health treatment in the UK I moved back to the UK from the US about two years ago. Back in the states I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and put on meds. When I moved back I thought I was ok and didn't need help. That turned out not to be the case and in August of last year I went to a GP and asked for anti-depressants. He said he wouldn't prescribe them to me and said it would be best if I see a mental health specialist and he did the referral. That took until January and in the meantime my depression got worse, I got fired from my job due to the symptoms and started putting weight back on. I would see my GP each month and beg for just a week or two of anti-depressants, he didn't budge. + +The referral came through in January and I got an appointment in the middle of February. It was just an intake appointment, the Doctor there said he didn't want to prescribe anything until I had blood work done, that was another 14 days. That's finally done and I now have an appointment booked in the middle of April where hopefully I'll get a prescription. + +I'm a big proponent of universal health care in the US but honestly, I don't understand how people in the UK with mental health issues survive. Waiting so long for something as simple as anti-depressants is shocking to me and has taken a huge toll. At this point I'm tempted to move back to the States as this would have been resolved in a week or two back there. I'm trying to hold it together but I'm starting to fall apart without treatment. +",Bipolar +46869,"Mania a memoir a short shitty one I wrote something I have no where to share. + +Was my lowest drinking cheap wine on a toilet seat at mid day in a sprawling Westfield shopping outlet, having my stomach and veins flushed for the third time in one year? + + Or forgetting I had sex with my best friend after my court date for a shattered window. In a million little pieces. You might assume it was. + + It wasn't. Truth is this is medication, because without this. I'm fine in the sense THAT I FEEL. I feel everything, I feel everything. Life is like day time television and it hurts me with its monotony. My brain is too fast, the world is too slow. I am too arrogant the world is too humble. Atleast I'm self aware, my addictions are my angels and my devil's. They save me every time and yet darling they push me closer and closer to the edge. The edge is always there. Hi my name is Sophie and I have manic depression. I swear you might disregard what I say, but I know it has value. + +I want to live. + +",Bipolar +45418,"My biggest struggle with BP is probably that I go into full ""fuck my boss"" mode sometimes Like when I get depressed, I think ""Oh, I can't keep a job, I'm pathetic."", but it's not that I *couldn't* keep a job, it's that I had shitty bosses in shitty companies, and hypomanic me has 0 tolerance for that",Bipolar +45495,"UGGGHHHH I just took my PM meds (that includes something to knock me tf out bc insomnia) instead of AM meds. I spent nearly 10 minutes, to no avail, trying to throw them up bc I have shit to do today and nothing came up. I guess bc there’s nothing really in my stomach?? My tongue and lips- basically whole mouth is kind of numb. Mannn I had shit to do today. I took my AM meds (that include adderall) after puking failed and now that I’m typing this.. I kinda feel fucking great, actually.. but probably shouldn’t drive and I really don’t feel like going literally anywhere. Ohhh, the woes of being bipolar and on 57 medications. Any Netflix recommendations? lol fml (but not really fml bc all this is somehow comical to me now)",Bipolar +46022,"Meds Has anyone tried taking Abilify mixed with Topamax? I’ve taken Abilify before for bipolar 2 but only 5mgs because I’m very sensitive to medicine and I feel like it’s the only one that actually worked for me. I’m currently on Topamax 50mg and I feel like it’s not enough for me. + +I wanna go back on Abilify, but I like Topamax because I’ve lost a couple of pounds on it. I think if I mix the two meds I’ll hopefully stay weight neutral on it. ",Bipolar +50183,"It’s been a little while since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II I'm a young girl in her 5th year of medical school that was diagnosed 7 months ago and I feel like this disease it's almost ending with my dreams, I've been having panic attacks and a lot of depression lately and some pairs of mine are bullying me now, they treat me like there is something wrong with me. I'm paralyzed, I don't know what to do, I take all my medicines, go to the therapist, and all of those things, but this is getting over me. + +I'm so tired of this...",Bipolar +46386,Lamotragine and menstrual cycles Has anyone experienced way shorter menstrual cycles after starting lamotragine? I’m usually on a 25-26 day cycle and lately it’s been 19-20 which is not normal. ,Bipolar +50385,"Having to start over is killing me. Who has successful rebuilt their life after mania? Especially if you have a low stress tolerance. Mania ruined my life I miss my old life the way things use to be I work so hard for everything and went thru so much in life just to destroy it all. Now it’s been almost 5 month and I try to start over went to a new school and trying to make new friends everything and it hurts so bad because it doesn’t compare to the life I use to have. I need some help. How do you rebuild everything! + +I cry everyday after I leave class because it hurts so much that my college degree extended by another 2 years and the anxiety of wondering if I can do it. This hurts so much how do you rebuild your life after mania it like I keep trying and it just ends up upsetting me.",Bipolar +49946,"How do I stop feeling empty? basically I’ve been feeling empty for a while now, problably 2 to 3 years, which is also the around the time I had my first hypomanic and depressive episode. I feel a lack of feeling, sometimes I feel like I’m completely empty inside. the problem is I don’t feel this way only when I’m depressed, I also feel empty when I’m happy and life is good. I kinda feel like I feel less empty when I’m depressed, because I feel sadness, anger, depression. I can at least cry and feel things, even if its are not particularly pleasures feelings. On the other hand, when I’m stable I don’t feel anything.I have a few theories: 1. When I’m depressed I am in contact with my feelings, I’m completely focused on what’s happening inside of me instead of outside of me 2. When I’m “happy” I’m not in contact if my feelings, I get my happiness from external factor, in contrast of when I’m depressed I get my sadness from internal factors. So maybe when I’m stable I’m not in contact with what’s inside me. +Honestly I’m not sure if I’m even close to the answer, so please give me some advice especially if u been through this. +Thank you for reading.",Bipolar +45402,"Blegh, tired of this (Rant) (triggering) I just had the stupidest disagreement with someone important in my life and now I can't stop with my suicidal thoughts. +I'm tired of this shit, tired of the ups and downs, seems like these feelings will always be the background music of my life.",Bipolar +46460,Expired Quetiapine (2017) Is it safe to take them for 2 nights? Very low dosage (only 25mg). Won't be able to pick up my prescription until Monday.,Bipolar +45757,"Getting really hyperactive when 'manic'? Let me first say I'm not officially diagnosed with bipolar and idk if I'm posting on the right place, I'm diagnosed with several things but mainly BPD. Psych says I likely have fast cycling bipolar type 1 and I guess I'm not diagnosed because she's focusing on my BPD first. I've had a really destructive psychotic manic/mixed(?) phase that made me drop out and get hospitalized last year + +I don't know whether I should be calling this manic, since I don't know whether its from BPD or my possible bipolar. But when I get manic I get extremely hyperactive next to the usual mania symptoms, my friend just asked if I was on cocaine. I talk like crazy, constantly shaking, twitchy. Its so weird. I'm just sitting here in front of my desk, legs shaking, eyes barely blinking. I feel so amazing yet scared, I'm about to go run to maybe calm down and get some weed + +I've had these moods for years. Usually these moods last from about a day to 2 weeks. They probably last longer, but turn more into an irritated mood. I am medicated, I'm on seroquel and while it helps me a lot it doesn't get rid of this. Sorry if this post is all over the place, I'm really not thinking straight",Bipolar +50545,"Finally had the energy to do something and then I crashed God I hate this feeling. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, cleaned my bathroom and kitchen, did laundry, vacuumed and did a lil’ workout. I felt so energized and full of electricity, but then everything just crashed and now I’m just laying in bed, feeling all depressed and anxious. I started taking my meds again (ran out of them and was raw dogging life for about a month) so I shouldn’t feel this way, right? I have to leave for work in an hour and just can’t get up",Bipolar +46407,"/r/MadStudies is a sub for scholarly discussion of mental illness including related published research & theory /r/madstudies is a sub for scholarly discussion of recent publications on the subject of mental health, mental illness, critical psychiatry and psychology. Its intended as a hub to provide a regular feed to subscribers of published articles and relevant discussion. Open to all with an interest in this type of material and related academic issues. + +Thanks to the mods of /r/bipolarreddit for permission to post this notice.",Bipolar +45794,"Just had worst case scenario with Topiramate do yourself a favor don’t take take it I’m now tapering off and I can’t believe I’m still alive. The last 4 weeks of being on this drug I can only describe as trauma (actual PTSD nausea inducing flashbacks) and it makes me queasy even to write. It’s therapeutic to rant but mostly I’m just so frightened to try any other drug ever again. It made me aggressively suicidal, (if anyone is thinking of trying this drug and wants more details ama) I’ve already been on the basics I feel lithium, seroquel, lamictal, saphris. Lithium I was on for many yrs and was ok but then something changed. I kinda just wanna try just not being sedated I’ve had a few windows now between drugs and now that I’ve been to literal hell and back on this drug I feel I have this new found grit. Do you guys have any different drug recommendations? Or how do you get the courage to try another one? Any one have any success going drug free after lithium? ",Bipolar +49884,"Best “I should’ve known” moments? Hey! +I recently found a poem that I wrote two years ago (pre-diagnosis) and, reading it, I was like, “are you kidding? this is SO bipolar- how didn’t I know?” + +I can post the poem in the comments- it’s not very good but I thought it was very validating. Anyone else have any pre-diagnosis “how didn’t I know?” relics/moments? :)",Bipolar +46702,"Recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I have some questions. I'm 26 years old and just had my first manic episode this past October. I'm now living with my parents while my brain heals. The thing is, I used to feel like I was a really sharp thinker before I started smoking weed. I won't go into it but weed has been a detriment to my mental health with how much I've partaken since 17. It feels like there would have never been this decline if I didn't start smoking. So my questions + +Could weed have been responsible for triggering my disorder? + +How long did it take it take before you started thinking clearly again after being on meds? I'm on olanzipine and lithium.",Bipolar +45432,"Spiritual feelings I always seem to get a feeling that I am part of some kind of energy that runs through the universe either during a phsycotic episode or just after. Has happened all three times the same feeling. It feels really intense and I get some kind of idea that I should be doing something about it (non-violent, always makes me feel connected to nature and really compassionate). I feel like I am important and protected by it. Then the stage passes and I almost completely forget about it. + +Does anyone else get the same? Not similar but the exact same? I wouldn't want to use meds to suppress this if we are just waking up.",Bipolar +49787,"Personality or hypomania? I feel like how I tell about my life to my psychiatrist influence my possible diagnosis. I'm currently in the middle of diagnosis for bipolar 2. I got already medication (lamictal) even though I didn't yet get a official diagnosis, since at psychiatrist appointment we didn't have enough time to go through all the diagnosis criteria, and if my sympotoms fit in to those. + +With psychiatrist we've been going through my possible hypomanias but specially been focused on one which was the most severe one. During this period I broke up with my boyfriend (do not regret it), had a huge crush before breakup, slept with the person I had a crush few days after breaking up, felt really happy and energetic, got involved in politics, slept 5h a night (usually 8+h), got in an out of situationships, went to parties, told everybody how beautiful I am (usually I'm not happy with my body). My psychiatrist didn't ask on my drug use but I've realized that before this episode or in the beginning of this episode I took some psychedelics. I really don't want drug use on my medical records since I've been sober for a year now. Does anybody else have any feelings on drug use on their medical records? + +If I tell my psychiatrist I have taken illegal drugs before the episode I might not get the diagnosis. But then again I suffer from mood swings and cyclic severe depressions. I don't know anymore what is my normal state and if I exaggerate my possibly hypomanic symptoms. I've had other hypomanic episodes as well. In one I had for few weeks I moved in with a guy for a month who I'd known for two days, didn't fly back to home even though covid-19 restrictions were starting, posted dancing videos on instagram, said I love you to the person I was living with, had unprotected sex. But again this person was very manipulative and was gaslighting me, love bombing, and getting mad for me moving out. I feel like my psychiatrist could very easily misdiagnose me since my hypomanias might be caused some other things such as drugs or manipulation. How do you feel, is hypomania something that can't be caused by other factors in your life? + +Whole my life, I have been doing impulsive decisions like gotten three tattoos at once (my first ones), brought flight tickets for next day, traveled by myself, applied to new schools, cheated, went to strip club (not normal to me), had hookups. On all of these I've had regrets as well. I don't know what is my personality and what not. If I tell my psychiatrist that these actions were not normal to me then I probably get the diagnosis. But also I do these things so regularly that maybe those are charasterictic to me.",Bipolar +46258,"How effective was therapy in your Bipolar treatment? You can also say which type of therapy you had, if you had any :)",Bipolar +45739,"Someone in my life's illness has got much worse. I'd like to know what to expect Hi + +I was involved with someone's life for a long time. This person was diagnosed with Bipolar with serious manic episodes, and treated for about 13 years. The meds were hard to take and she was a bit up and down with them. There were some serious manic episodes that led to dangerous situations. There was little I could do, but I did help keep her on track and try to keep her honest with the meds. + +I realise that it must be so awful to have to take dulling medication, and I'm really sympathetic to how these manic events and dropping off Lithium built up. I don't want to sound judgemental. + +Fast forward to now. As of three years ago I no longer have any influence or connection, but have stepped in to help in a really bad episode. It's become clear that she has not really taken her medication seriously for three years. She's been totally freewheeling. The illness I saw in her recently was very different to what I knew from before. I had seen her as driven and worked up, but her moods were cycling from extremes within minutes. It was frightening. + +I have read up as much as I can on bipolar and rapid cycling. I get the picture that some people advance towards this after every major episode, and that it tends to be progressive, and not go back to being a single flavour at a time so to speak. + +Can anyone who has experienced bipolar progressing like this (in yourself or in a loved one) give me a perspective? I'm concerned that she's progressed past some kind of horizon and things are going to be harder for her even on Lithium now. Just a gut feeling. + +I would appreciate hearing relevant experiences. Thank you. Keep up the fight guys, you're all doing great in this forum.",Bipolar +49793,"Vraylar/Reagila.. restlessness, any tips? I started Reagila a month ago and I can't get rid of the restlessness. The first two weeks were horror with side effects, thank God the shaking stopped. But this restlessness is driving me crazy - literally lack of sleep is usually the best way for me to get hypomanic. + +I have a desk job, I can't sit still, I can't even stand still. I am currently walking 20k steps a day just to be able to sleep at night. Not including the bouncing around while working - standing desk best purchase in years. + +My doctor said it might be because my other meds aren't playing well together. I am slowly reducing them (lamotrigine and fluoxetine). And it should get better soon\^tm. But what is soon... + +Any tips? I have a few days off right now and just can't enjoy them. I dropped coffee which seems to have helped a little bit. + +(at least I am losing weight on it, but might be because I was too nauseated to eat properly for 2 weeks and I am constantly moving....)",Bipolar +45779,"Am i bipolar? ive got a doctors appointment booked but im so nervous im thinking about cancelling Ive recently been experiencing moods which could suggest i may be bipolar, even getting to the point where i almost ended a 13 year relationship with my BF (in which we have 3 children together) because I felt i didn't love him anymore, only to now fall madly and deeply back in love with him, this all happened in a matter of 2 months and i have had this cycling feeling for almost about 2 years now, but its seems like the moods are getting stronger and i am now acting on them. Ive been hiding my depressive moods from people so no one really knows whats going on only my BF, i now tell him everything im feeling which i think has helped massively so far and he is so supportive. +I also have rushing thoughts daily but ive just always put that down to that just being me, i just thought it was normal. +i can also have obsessive thoughts and this could be on a certain hobby or person (my BF) i will think about it all day long and my brain is hard to shut off at night sometimes. i always have to have the tv on to fall asleep to distract my brain. +i get rushes of creativity and productivity. i can be super excited and obsessive about a project/s only forget about them and almost never finish what i plan to do or have started. i end up losing all interest. +I find it hard to concentrate for too long and i get easily distracted and im very forgetful. + My BF made a doctors appointment for me (because i was to nervous that the receptionist might ask me what the problem was and i know i would have freaked out if she had asked me, and i don't know why) Now im really anxious about this appointment just incase i tell the doctor everything and hes gonna tell me im being too dramatic or maybe not even believe me. im having my BF come with me for support but i know im gonna get so nervous im not gonna be able to speak because i know im gonna forget all of this. +Any insight or advice i would be so grateful for. I have been doing some research on bipolar, in one respect i would feel really relieved if it is bipolar but then on the other hand its super scary to think i could have a mental disorder as i have been completely healthy all my life and never thought i would ever have something like this. +Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer some words of wisdom. +",Bipolar +50527,,Bipolar +46181,"How do people make friends? Seriously, how? I never learned how as a kid and only did it as an adult through drugs or psych hospitalizations. I have no friends. I'm thinking of starting group therapy, or joining a support group but my social skills are shit, I'm painfully shy and have terrible social anxiety. I can kind of make friends but ai can never keep them. The few I made always pursued me. I'm so insecure I can't approach people or when I do it borders on harassment and stalking.. Anyway, how the fuck do I make friends? I need serious answers. :/",Bipolar +45601,"I just asked my boss to fire me Isnt it lovely how you can be superfunctioning for a while and suddenly wake up to the reality of what a fucking shithead you are? + +How do you get people to leave you alone? + +Ive dreamt of hanging myself for a week. I dont know why Im writing this. When Im alone and all is quiet I can hear whispers of how fucking useless I am. Shadows moved last night. How can one be so´empty but full of shit at the same time I can feel the black bile hiding in my throayt waiting to spill out and Im scared all the time because thefres thjkis fucking creature i can feelk it hunting and i cant sleep or close my eyes and i cant shut the lights and the scream i want to fill the world with is stuck and it is like it will burst my chest I wear my mask of calm still and tomorrow I will take care of my husband and cats and life and work but under it is death and it will come for me",Bipolar +46447,"Does your “team” communicate? Hi all, + +I was wondering whether your different care providers (gp, psychiatrist, psychologist etc) communicate about you? + +I get awfully paranoid about what people say behind my back even though I know they are just relaying facts and doing what is in my best interest. Does anyone else get this feeling? I feel so stupid for being paranoid about it. Sometimes I think the four of them are plotting against me. ",Bipolar +49662,"Finally had the energy to do something and then I crashed God I hate this feeling. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, cleaned my bathroom and kitchen, did laundry, vacuumed and did a lil’ workout. I felt so energized and full of electricity, but then everything just crashed and now I’m just laying in bed, feeling all depressed and anxious. I started taking my meds again (ran out of them and was raw dogging life for about a month) so I shouldn’t feel this way, right? I have to leave for work in an hour and just can’t get up",Bipolar +46989,"Is it possible to be put back on a med and have a completely different reaction to it, even if not much time has passed? I was put on Zyprexa earlier this year and it showed promise, but it really messed with my blood sugar so I talked my doc into taking me off of it and going back on Latuda. The Latuda wasn't working as well ( I made sure to take it with enough calories, so that wasn't the issue), so my doctor put me back on the Zyprexa and we're going to work with my primary care doctor to manage my sugars more aggressively. I started the Zyprexa Friday and since then I've been just miserable. Is this a known thing that happens? Does anyone have any experience with Zyprexa? + +To be clear, I'm not looking for advice on medications to try, or dosing, or anything other than personal experiences. I'm just wondering if anyone has had med switches change up their effects like this, and/or if they're had Zyprexa cause major negative mood shifts. + +Thanks.",Bipolar +46621,"That darn Facebook This is just a vent, FYI. + + + +After fiiiinally finding the right med combination about two years ago, I'm finally getting my shit together, getting things done, and living the kind of ""normal"" life I've always wanted. For the first time ever, I'm really proud of myself. I usually just lurk on Facebook, but I felt the need to do a little bragging and let people know that my life is changing, and I'm happy about it. Like most people, my Facebook friends list is an assortment of old classmates, former coworkers, family, and some randoms I can't quite place. A handful of these are people I speak to in real life on a regular basis. I got ZERO replies or feedback from anyone. I'm a little hurt and annoyed - c'mon, guys, I give you courtesy likes for pictures of your average kids and stupid dogs - but not too terribly surprised. 99% of these people only ever knew me when I was un-/improperly medicated and a total fucking mess. It's kind of a relief, though, too, because now I no longer feel obligated hand out those courtesy likes for dumb fucking shit that I don't care about. I already knew, on an intellectual level, that these people aren't really my friends (at least not anymore) and give as much of a shit about me as I do about them (so, none), but I feel like now that I've ""confirmed"" that, I can just relax and go about my business. I'm still proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far, and not having that recognized on social media doesn't change that. I guess it's just hard knowing that no matter how much positive change I make in my life, the people who only ever saw the old me will never really SEE the new me. Vent over.",Bipolar +45442,"Wondering If I’m Bipolar... So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with mental health. It didn’t get bad until around 12, when I started self-harming, and eventually I was hospitalized at 14 after a suicide attempt. There, I was put on Zoloft for depression and also diagnosed with anxiety. For a few months, I felt happy so I figured it was working. I stopped cutting, I felt good. Eventually, I just stopped taking it without a doctor’s consent, but I took myself off of it slowly. I started cutting again after that. + +That’s my only experience with doctors/psychologists since and I’m 19, turning 20 in 5 months. + +I had my first hallucination when I was 16, but the timeline is so bad and foggy because my brain literally can’t remember anything besides the event itself - I was in the shower and just like flicking a switch, I thought somebody was in the bathroom with me, trying to “get” me. Immediately, I opened the curtains to find nothing but still wasn’t convinced. I went to my room, thinking something was following me from behind the entire time and closed my door, psychotically looking around for whatever was there trying to get me. For about 3 hours, I sat in the corner of my room, looking back and forth between things that would just escape my direct line of sight - it was like I could only see the “things” trying to get me in the corner of my eye. I wouldn’t move off my bed in fear that it was under my bed, and would snatch me that way. It felt so real at the time. I forgot it even happened the next day and didn’t remember it until months later, when it randomly popped into my mind, but I couldn’t place it along a coherent timeline - only that it had happened sometime that same year. + +A few months after I remembered the event, I was in class and out of nowhere (just like last time) I thought somebody (who, in my head, looked similar to the girl from the ring/exorcist) was inside the room with me. I started darting my eyes everywhere making sure that she wasn’t - it felt real but apart of me knew it wasn’t but that didn’t help it go away. All throughout the day I continued feeling like she was right behind a closed door, or peaking out at me from somewhere. On the bus ride home, I was convinced she was somehow following me, in vans, in cars, buildings - this thing that was following me didn’t adhere to the normal rules of transportation, she could transport between buildings just to keep an eye on me. It happened about three or four times, varying on levels of intensity for about two weeks and that was the last time I’ve had delusions or hallucinations (if that’s even what they are). + +Now fast forward to 2017, where after smoking weed one night I get put into this semi-catatonic state where I felt unreal, like a joke and like where I lived and the people around me were fake too. All kinds of memories of my childhood were playing on fast-forward on my head, except I was outside looking at my younger self and it was terrifying, I was convinced that I was actually going to die. Now, this experience is drug-induced but after this first time, I began having experiences like this without being high and the thoughts couldn’t leave my mind - I felt unreal, fake all the time, and occasionally I wouldn’t be able to view the world around me as real, or the people. This happened between July 2017 - December 2017, and it’s just starting to subside after I quit weed a few days ago. But, while it was happening, it left me in a severe depression. + +Now, since the new year, I have been energetic and positive - I feel better about my body (which, all throughout my life I have struggled with) and have positive thoughts about it. And not just “I love my body!” its more like “I can 100% fix my body and make it how I want it!” I didn’t sleep for 40 hours straight albeit a 2.5 hour nap before my shift. During work, I was talkative (which I NEVER am) and had something to say to about 99% of the customers. It was almost as if when the thought popped in my head, no matter what it was, I had to say it. Nothing inappropriate, mostly just about the products or casual talk or responses but it was so natural. My answers are NEVER natural because I have social anxiety - I’m always rethinking it before I say it. But not this time. I bagged their groceries so fast, I couldn’t stop singing songs in my head, occasionally singing them out-loud in front of customers and not feeling embarrassed (like casual singing when you have a song stuck in your head, except it was a few different songs) When I wasn’t with a customer, I couldn’t not be moving, my hands, my legs etc. + +Once I got home, I became obsessed with watching and rewatching and tweeting about my favorite show. I had so many thoughts about the show and my favorite characters that I just had to put them out there. I think I tweeted about 500-600 times within 6 hours. On top of that, I was also writing some characters for a TV show I’m writing and usually I’m a little stunted w/ writing because I’m usually depressed but it was like I could write for ages. I wrote like 10 characters within an hour. + +This has been going on since the New Year, and I’ve gotten a total of... less than 20 hours of sleep within 5 days. And now I just got the idea that I want to finally get my license so I can get a car and runaway. I know, logically, the plan seems bad but it’s like I have no intention of doing anything else? Like all of my effort is going into that plan. + +And lastly, on top of all this, I haven’t eaten one meal since the new year and I don’t feel hungry at all. No desire to eat really, albeit a few snacks here and there. + +I’ve had past experiences with being energetic, so I always speculated whether I was bipolar but never like this. 90% of the time, I have been depressed + +So, sorry this was long but please, how do I know if this is really bipolar? Since these symptoms started, I’ve also become obsessed with researching hypomania/mania and the thought will not leave my brain. So am I just making the symptoms up or am I actually bipolar?????",Bipolar +49751,"My girlfriend who doesn’t rely on meds is tellin me I’m just using them as a band aid and how dangerous they are I take caplyta , lithium and now Prozac … and she just got on me for tellin her I now take Prozac , which I quickly regretted and told her I’m never tellin her anything about my meds again , it pisses me off . I told her I don’t need her or my family tellin me what’s good for me …idk venting and looking for insight if you have any , thanks",Bipolar +46063,"Could I have Bipolar? I recently went to a psychologist after an ""intervention"" from my family because I had textbook severe depression for a couple months. The psychologist said I had a lot of red flags for bipolar 1. I was sleeping 14 hours a day and taking NyQuil without my parents knowing to stop suicidal thoughts. I would rather be asleep than deal with thoughts. I was skipping school, practice, and extracurriculars and then failing tests. When I wasn't asleep I was in bed in a dark room just staring at the ceiling. To be all honest though it started before the depression. 6 months ago I was extremely paranoid. I was staying up all hours of the night checking corners and simulating what I would do if someone came into my house to attack me. It got really bad because I was sleep deprived and it devolved from just being paranoid of strangers to my close friends, watching their every move to see if they were out to get me like my thoughts were making me believe. Out of nowhere I started dissociating soon there would be 10 minute chunks of time where my brain would just disappear and I didn't know where it went. After this, I started to get paranoid delusions where I would believe the alien gods that live in a black hole were going to abduct me because I knew about them. I had a panic attack during my lunch period. At this point I had no idea what was going on I thought I was going crazy but because I even had that thought I knew I wasn't. Now this is where things went really downhill. I woke up one day with the best mood I've ever had. When I was at school, everybody thought I was high just because of the way I was acting. I was all spaced out and I talked over everyone. Nothing I said made any sense. No one really thought anything of it though because everybody assumes I smoke weed because of my personality. I was functioning on 120% with less than 2 hours of sleep per night. All of my inhibitions left me at this stage. I started smoking on school property and also selling weed on school property. This is not something I would ever do because I'm a straight A student and I'm top of my class so this has especially a lot of risk. I was also very close to doing cocaine. This lasted for a week and a half. After all of this I came down really hard, and this is when my depression started as I explained above. I told all of this to my psychologist and she recommended me to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible because my manic like periods are dangerous. The thing is is I don't was to go to a psychiatrist because then it is more real and I might be too young to even get a mood disorder diagnosis. Oh yeah I forgot to mention I'm 15. I wanted to post this because I am so lost as to what to do. My mother is very concerned because of my depression symptoms and she is pressuring me to go. I'm conflicted. Should I go to the psychiatrist if so should I go asap or should I wait a couple of years?",Bipolar +49764,"I’m new I’m very recently diagnosed (in conjunction w ASD). I’m just very scared of my head; I’m scared of the way my brain makes me think and I am scared of how little control I have over it. Ive no idea what world I’ve entered into, mostly because I don’t understand much yet, despite wanting to. I’ve studied psychology at university before dropping out (multiple times), and it’s so easy to look at things on the outside and understand them, but to look introspectively is so difficult. It’s difficult to analyse the thoughts I should and shouldn’t listen to. It’s difficult to place or recognise moments of irritability, excitement, etc. Sometimes I’m panicking without even knowing I’m panicking or why. Im just very much in a state of barely knowing what’s going on in my head until the aftermath, unless it’s depressive thoughts, those are pretty easy to figure out, and by far the most common for me. People near me just say I shouldn’t think that way, but it’s hard explaining why I feel I have no control over how I genuinely feel… if that makes sense. + +Does it get better? I’ve been prescribed mood stabilisers.",Bipolar +47054,"Prescriber & therapist make me feel way worse Does anyone else feel like their med prescriber keeps tabs on them like they’re some kind of criminal? I have been stable for years and have even been told my bipolar is in remission, but still see a med prescriber for anxiety. She talks down to me and speaks to me in a manipulative way that feels like subtle interrogation. She puts me in a situation where I don’t have the option to say no to going to see a therapist for something minor I brought up casually about getting flushed when I’m in public... it feels like there is a subtle implication that there will be some type of consequence if I don’t comply. I have never seen a med prescriber in over 10 years who hasn’t treated me like a potential criminal, and like they’re keeping tabs. These people make me feel worse about myself and put me back several steps in my recovery process.",Bipolar +47078,Anyone Here Had A Manic Episode Without Re Occurrence? I had an episode of full blown mania around the end of last year - just wondering if anyone here's had a manic episode without re occurrence?,Bipolar +49852,"little meds revelation during therapy I did an ocd assessment with my psychologist today (turns out I’m right on the moderate cusp of ocd symptoms goody for me I guess) and I talked with her about how to bring this up with my med manager bc those symptoms have been bad lately. And really the best meds that I’m aware of for treatment of ocd are SSRIs which I’ve had mixed reactions with in the past. + +For a long time I thought I wasn’t bipolar bc I stopped taking my meds cold turkey and didn’t have a life ruining spiral I was just depressed on and off for a few years until some hormonal changes triggered my hypomanic episodes again. But in all this time I never once realized that my hypomanic episodes from before ended after I stopped taking lexapro. That was part of my cocktail with lamotrigine and rotating through antipsychotics. I was having little episodes and blips and mixed features all through that original course of treatment. I never counted that in my story bc I figured I was being appropriately treated for bipolar when I clearly wasn’t. This isn’t like earth shattering news but it is yet another confirmation that this is real and I’m miffed about it lol",Bipolar +45687,"Who is not excited about doing their taxes? I done messed up and said to my husband “Oh, dang, the government shut down again? I was going to do our taxes today. Darn.” Then he informed me it had already opened again. Dang it. My concentration is AWFUL right now. Short term memory isn’t great either. Hah, dug myself a hole. ",Bipolar +50373,"Chicken or the egg? discussion! Hi everyone! + +I have a question that has been occupying my mind for a long time, and I hope that this will spark a discussion and we can get deeper into understanding bipolar and find some answers. Maybe some of you are wondering the same. + +The question: mostly during manic episodes when my mind is racing at an alarming pace I wonder if this is all caused after all by external factors that make me stressed out OR by the bipolar itself, so from within. Like, I'm starting to stress out because a situation occurs that is out of my control: turmoil in a relationship, some annoying interactions, things at work etc. Or I start stressing out because of a shift towards manic? + + This is where I'm lost: at times I think that because of the diagnosis I overthink the stress and anxious feelings; knowing and convinced about my diagnosis i fully inserted bipolar behavior into my own identity and it informs my actions? But we don't live in a sterile bubble, life is life and always something is happening. + + +For context: +during my manic state I start pacing, mind racing, increaced heart rate, twitches and intrusive thoughts. I start walking fast through streets almost running away from this, and I end up looking into passerbys eyes and then it's as if I'm being thrown into their lives, as if I live through their experience, I imagine how they act, what happened in their childhood, flashes into their daily routine, interactions, frustrations and happiness. And then I look at a window on some far away building, start imagining and experiencing the life of another person in a similar way. + Then I get thrown back into my body into reality and become more overwhelmed. Then it's my own memories of the past, then imagining my own future and so on. + + +The experience is intense and doesn't stop. When it wears off eventually I regain focus, calm and ability to think clearer. Happens periodically about every few months and lasts usually about a week, maybe 2(depending how I deal with it after the peak. It's not the most intense that happened but I don't wanna go in even more details, because this is already TL;DR + +Edit: I have been diagnosed by 4different doctors on 4 separate occasions, and rejected that idea for about 7 years until it became too unbearable and I was legit worried that this time I'm definitely not making it through. + + +So let's discuss the initial question! Would love to hear your thoughts about this chicken or the egg question and gain some insights!",Bipolar +46288,"Experiences with mood stabilizers in addition to Citalopram(Lexapro)? I recently started taking oxcarbazepine in addition to my 40mg Lexapro and I’m experiencing some side effects. What kinds of effects have you all experienced, and when did they finally leave(if ever)? (I’m BP2)",Bipolar +49671,"Life has left me hopeless. First, thank you for reading my rant, even if you don't make it to the end... + +Life advice please... + +30f, relationship with 31m, anf we have a 9mo son. + +We lost the home we were renting back in Dec, due to mold. We've been back and forth between the in-laws since. I'm in school and he is looking for work, but also is waiting for his Bar exam results. + +I can't stand living with other people. I'm currently dealing with my mental health (Bipolar and ADHD) and it's hard to function at times. The other day I was overwhelmed by my MIL who wanted us to bring the baby over to meet some family last minute. That ended with me yelling at her when she came to the car wanting to take my son out because he was crying. I told her to worry about her children, not mine. + +This morning at 6am, I woke up to find my partner in his parents room talking. When he came back he stated ""It's me & you"" over and over. Later, he explained how no one will understand me or my Bipolar and how much weight I carry and how hard it can get for me on a daily basis. He didn't go into full details of the convo because I'm an overthinker, but him stating his parents asking if I'm in therapy or taking medications, made it obvious. That's when my partner got upset because he saw how I consistently have to deal with our families not understanding. As I told him, not many ever will. + +I hate living with the in-laws. I love them, but I don't do well with the MIL always home. Having someone consistently there and always watching what's being done with my son, being there to greet him all the time, or making opinions like ""he's hungry, he wants milk, look at this, look at that"" etc has really been getting on my nerves. To the point that now I can't stand her voice or go into a negative mood when I know she's going to be around. + +My partner and I both feel uncomfortable staying at each others parents. Financially we are unstable at the moment and were trying to figure out what our next move is... + +When my son was born, the first two weeks, we got covid. Then, after 6 months of living alone, we lose our home to mold. During Christmas, I went through a perfect storm of depression with losing the house and overwhelmed by everyone wanting to meet my son. I feel like his first year was one of the hardrst for me and I want to be able to enjoy these 3 months before he turns a year, but it's been so hard... + +SO! + +Any advice? Any recommendations on work from home? Any knowledge regarding starting a dropshipping business to earn an income? + +I need to do something because I can't keep living thi way. This is the most I've thought about suicide and that's not fair to me or my son! I'm looking for any avenue to be able to provide for my son. I miss having our own home and I miss alone time with my boys and I miss being content and feeling some happiness... HELP!",Bipolar +49767,"recently diagnosed & very anxious when it comes to meds hey all. + +i was recently diagnosed. to sum up my dilemma, my entire life anytime i’ve had a medical problem arise, i’ve always been dismissed as it being “anxiety”. i have a history of unexplained syncope episodes & wacky blood test results but no doctor has ever taken me seriously. perks of being a 22 year old female. i’ve been told to take antidepressants for viral illnesses & the like. so i’ve grown costumed to having a distrust towards doctors or i feel like they just use me for money & don’t listen to me, ya know? + +anyway, that’s not why i’m here. i hit rock bottom a few months ago & have been seeing a wonderful therapist who truly advocates for me & gives me a voice. he referred me to a psychologist & we did the whole genesight thing. she wants me to start taking latuda. + +i did the whole googling the medicine thing & asked some friends about it, & i have yet to see a good review. i also don’t want to be even more tired than i am now as i’m exhausted 24/7 as is. & im scared meds could impact work or school. + +i guess i’m just here asking for validation to ease my anxiety. will meds actually help me? or will i feel miserable? i’m really scared. i’m so hyper aware of my body & i freak out about any minor change, even headaches. but also as the months go on the more i feel wildly reckless & isolated. if i start taking them, & want to get off them, will they forever change me like antidepressants can? i’d rather enjoy my few months of mania no matter how wild it can be vs forever be different.. + +i don’t mean for any of this to seem invalidating or disrespectful by the way. it’s just my experiences/paranoia",Bipolar +46377,"New to reddit, please forgive my possible lack of etiquette: My SO (in recovery from substance abuse) goes through episodes of depression quite frequently. Usually at night, and leading to suicidal thoughts and/or ideation. I want to help her so bad, but I don't know how. She lives in a sober house where most medications that have worked for her in the past are not allowed and if she were to take them on the low, she would be evicted outright. I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen. I trust her to call someone before it escalates to an intolerable level, but shit if I'm not still worried for the girl. Please... I want to be strong for her but I'm terribly inexperienced and unequipped to give her any real advice. ",Bipolar +46506,"My behavior isn’t registering with me. Feeling a bit messy cognitively. How do you achieve self awareness? I’ve had a weird two months now with some mixed mania stuff. I feel like I’ve been doing better recently, because I’m not really doing to any risky type things anymore and I haven’t had any fits of rage, and I feel somewhat normal I think and in my perception I feel like I seem good and stable. None of this is being validated by anyone or anything. I feel extremely confused because like when I have a conversation I feel like I’m talking normally and in my head it’s making sense but I’ve had my therapist and some others telling me I need to slow down, calm down, or I get a look and then told I make no sense. I still haven’t regained any appetite and have lost about 40 lbs since December and I have to force myself to eat to take my medication or I throw up when I take my meds. I keep not sleeping and it’s not like I don’t want to sleep because I do, it’s like the concept of sleep isn’t occurring to me until I realize (like I don’t know how it got to be 5:57am right now or what I’ve actually been doing since around 10 pm) that the sun’s about to come up. I tried to put gas in my car today and couldn’t remember my pin for my debit and it only came back to me like 3 hours later. I had another weird bit where I couldn’t recall my sister’s name for like a half hour. I wasn’t talking to her or anyone but it was like I could see her face in my head that she was my sister but it was mentally straining and very unsettling. They don’t feel like typical moments where you forget what something means. + +I’m on 7 meds right now to try quash the manic stuff I had going on and I think they’ve done their job in that respect, but my head is feeling very cognitively fucked up and not like I’m a drunk or in sedated way but just like everything feels sharp in my head and important but I can’t figure out what it is? I don’t know how to explain it. I guess what I’m seeing in myself isn’t what others are seeing me and i don’t know if they’re lying, because I’m usually very self aware and I can’t tell if it’s me, or the medications since I got switched from latuda to vraylar and had some sedatives added on. And then it’s confusing because the cognitive symptoms I’m feeling aren’t being noticed, or at least acknowledged by anyone but they keep talking about things I’m doing behaviorally even though I swear I’m very calm and I don’t feel manic anymore and I’m not seeing it in me what they say they’re seeing. I don’t know what or who to believe or even why I’m still on 7 mqedications at this point. + +What are some self awareness techniques some of you use? I can’t afford to fuck up again and I need this weird stuff to clear up fast. + + +",Bipolar +46025,"Recently diagnosed I never really thought that I had anything other than depression that came and went but after something happened a few months ago I figured I would talk to a professional. After talking for a while she diagnosed me with bi polar disorder. +I always just thought that the periods between depression were just that, but she pointed out some things that I never really noticed occurring during the times that I didn’t feel depressed. like extremely high energy, not sleeping, really really obsessive behavior. I get super into one thing or another and that’s the only thing I can focus on for like a week and after that I’ve lost all interest in it. Like a while ago, I started researching how to brew better coffee. Next thing I know I’ve spent nearly a grand on coffee makers and different coffee beans and am making like 10 cups a day, it’s all I could think about. About a week later I have no interest in touching any of it and I start feeling depressed again. +Sorry if that sounds weird, that was just an example. + +She asked me to do research on my own to see if I think that fits but I’m not sure. I figured I could talk to other people who are also diagnosed. + +",Bipolar +46815,"Weight gain making me depressed. Any tips? I have been on lithium and citalopram for 2 years. I feel so much better. My depressive and aggressive are almost gone. They have only happened twice. My manic episodes are still there midly. Overall my mind is amazing. My mind is so healthy. I haven't felt aggressive or suicidal thoughts in over a year and my constant worrying is much better. But, I've gained nearly 30 lbs and I am so self conscious. I feel like i did before i started my lithium. I'm so depressed. I hate leaving the house and looking in the mirrow. I feel my weight everywhere i go. Any tips to anyone feeling the same? I exercise daily and eat healthy. I allow myself to eat unealthy once a week. I run and hike. I am not looking to stop my Lithium because i feel so much better mentally. Can someone please help me ",Bipolar +45606,"i seem to only have bipolar spectrum symptoms as reactions to medications...is this a thing? So I know I'm only 22 and my mental health could get worse, but when I'm off meds I don't cycle. + +I have plenty of depression, but not anymore than I've had since adolescence, i can be very sensitive, but i don't have out of no where mood swings. + +The only manic, mixed, or suicidal episodes. I've had are the result of medication. + +Zoloft at 15- hypo +every time i've been on stimulants- hypo or mixed +medrol in the hospital- full on psychotic episode +lamictal-mixed ep +quitting wellbutrin- rage and suicidality + +I have mitochondrial dysfunction (mthfr) so i'm sensitive in general. I haven't taken any meds for 3 months and I feel totally stable, my psychiatric issues are more inline with autism spectrum. + +I've never had any kind of episode that came independently of a medication change. Can anyone else relate to this?",Bipolar +49690,"can hormonal birth control trigger depression for us? So I have been feeling pretty down the past few weeks. It could be a lot of things that triggered it. However, I did recently start taking birth control for pcos. I'm beginning to wonder if they can have an effect on our moods. I'm still taking all my other medicine, but I can't shake this feeling of sadness and exhaustion.",Bipolar +47031,"DAE feel like they’re way too extroverted for their SO? My new bf and I (he’s 25, I’m 22) are doing great, but after a night out (or even a night in drinking/staying up late) he feels drained. I’m always ready to go. I know he’s an introverted type, but I’m wondering if this is worth pursuing because I feel like I’m “too much” personality for him. He’s mentioned it, but he says it’s good and it keeps him on his toes. Idk. I’m looking for feedback before I bring this up. He’s quite a logical thinker and I don’t want to worry him if it isn’t worth it. + + +I’m just so excited and ready to go out all the time..>.<",Bipolar +49513,"Fear of being happy Every time I start to become happy, to work on something, to even obsess a bit about it I’m scared I’m becoming hypomanic and that I should do something to control it. It an awful feeling: being afraid of happiness cause you don’t know what it can turn into. As this even happened to you?",Bipolar +49901,"Hypomania/mania doubt Does anyone ever feel like their hypomania or mania isn’t that bad, when in reality it is? I’m always questioning my diagnosis because I feel like my mania isn’t even half as bad as some things I read. Or not even close to what is portrayed on tv shows or movies. Recently it’s been getting worse, as I’ve had strong urges to do really risky stuff. For example, I had such an urge to climb up the stairs and stand and lean over the railing where a kid jumped off. And I was gonna do it to get rid of the feeling, but then I was scared that I would continue to lean and lean until I got the urge to jump off. Same thing happened when I crossed a bridge except I did end up leaning into it. But before this episode, my mania was only feeling really confident, or believing I had superpowers, or paranoia that everyone was looking at me, and my irritation was really bad. Like I was screaming at my computer today. Just wanna know if anyone also thinks their not bipolar because their mania isn’t even half as bad as they read some peoples experiences",Bipolar +46896,Tomorow is Bap day.. What are u going to do? It says 30.03 we shoud spread awareness acceptance let people know about bipolar disorder and so on. But im thinking about doing something for myself to make myself happier. As we are bap i think we all can do something to enjoy tomorow. I feel so out lately and a little bit sleepy or depressed and i dont know. Just let me know if you have some idea what to do tomorow.. Thanks. Love u all :) ,Bipolar +46747,"Creating A Transcendental Platform For Transcending Bipolarity Transmutation Ascension, Lucid Dreaming Hybrid Mindset Voyagers 24/7, INtellectual Light Warrior/Soular Empowerment, Starseeds, Otherkin, Mind Voyagers, Mediums & Psychics, Merkaba-Ascension-5D, Dimension-Shifters, Future Earth(+Discord) Manage and transcend the negative effects of bipolar, and boost the positive potentials + +[https://www.reddit.com/r/LightWarriorAscension/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LightWarriorAscension/) + +[https://discord.gg/PRVXJak](https://discord.gg/PRVXJak) + +[https://disboard.org/server/539367976806383616](https://disboard.org/server/539367976806383616) + +&#x200B; + +Comprehensive Introductory Information To The Community, Discord Server And Internal Chatrooms/Mission Objective On Gaia: + +&#x200B; + +At the shift of ages, and the arrival of the age of Aquarius, golden age as we battle the last inner and outer demons of the Kali Yuga/age of Pisces, this transition time is like no other. A powerful incentive, a leap of faith: Take the first step: make the Quantum Leap, The Interdimensional Shift and Enter The Lightning Grid + +&#x200B; + +\-Psychic tools, trainings, intent, purpose documentations, pantheon and mentorship/guidance for otherkin and humans alike: All-in-One. + +?Free Speech, Absolute Tolerance for Mutual Respect and Natural Equality ( circles of responsibility but nonhierarchy). + +?Diverse Environment, rapidly expanding, work in progress pantheon for the golden age with widest assortments of deities helping out. Friendly and Helpful staff whose best interest is to serve your growth and cooperate on creative works/your development. + +? Knowledge on esoteric/transcendental topics generally not discussed/shunned/overlooked/disregarded/labeled as forbidden or far-fetched knowledge by others (metaphysics-spirit science, free energy, universal law, light body process, central nervous system rewiring, DNA-upgrade, cosmic origin, obscure(d) truths, connected dots and converging rivers). + +\-""Convert""-friendly- encouraging ex-religious ones for the One-Source path of the truth-seeker lightwarriors/workers/starseeds/otherkin/enlightened human old or mature souls(motto: strength in unity, collaboration versus illusion of separation) + +\-Various high-quality reddit/youtube/no-nonsense channeling websites/ news/video post feeds ( of spiritual/esoteric/cosmic theme) + +\-Weavesilk avantgarde spirit-art. (Interactive generative art- subliminal, angelic/demonic/divine, spiritual source channeling and through the higher aspects of self outside of the boundaries of the human psyche box/confines. - Surreal, intricate shapes including the semblance of elements of Gothic dark fantasy, with multiple meanings will be created on the screen and you will recognize your ability to master your soul-mind interaction as well, as I fill the screen with this magical stream of thoughts with a natural flow.) + +\-Soul ScienceTechnology & Source Transmissions. Logos God, Elohim, Doctor, Scientist, & Architect Of The Age Of Aquarius. + +\-Multiversal Starseed Community. Come join your star families and twin souls, or otherwise join and commune on the older site with archived content in the interim period + +\-Soul technology/higher-self descent to physical vessel: Production of DMT internally without the use of physical substance and unlock spirit molecule + +\-Sections encouraging to showcase your work (media/documents/arts, personal photos) + +\-A place of unconditional love and growth for Starseeds, Indigos, Human Angels and Walk Ins' to reunite with their long lost Star Family and Soul Mates. + +\-Server voice chat option for those interested + +\-Server map for ease of access with descriptions and guidelines for each topic (accessibility) + +Our own e-literature (growing library of PDF e-books and Links), videos, (multi)media and psychic tools, image-works not available anywhere else and written/crafted/made/authored exclusively by us. + +\-Mainstream launch Mid-February with over 340 members and counting + +\-Logos God, Elohim, Doctor, Scientist, & Architect Of The Age Of Aquarius. + +\-Futuristic & Future-Oriented Community Dedicated To The Universal Law, Spirit Science, Soul Technologies and Extraterrestrial Soul Origins + +\-A joint planetwide effort for reconstructing the new pantheon for the golden age of Aquarius, fusing the ancient with the new influx past with the future to create the new present in the Now with the help of deities and entities of various origins. Spirituality, lightworkers, ascension. + +&#x200B; + +We are highly focused and streamlined, yet loose and flexible (effortless effort being the motto). Our basic aim-quintessence is to harness all available energies to create an interdimensional rift/gate to haven that can propel us to 5th dimension and beyond while still connected to Earth but ultimately undergoing physical transfiguration, also fueled by the bowels of the earth likewise (as above so below)- which constructs a beastly cyclotron that irons out certain unwanted specific frequency-sets, diminishes their influence on the collective. + +&#x200B; + +""As soon as humanity unites on this planet, it will qualify to establish contact with other more advanced civilizations, such as the Agarthans and those from the GF. In fact the Agarthans and some ascended masters such as St. Germain will already help us run the cities of light and the numerous healing centres which will manifest very soon all over the globe. The next step will be visiting other civilizations, but this could only happen after the incarnated human personality has completed the LBP and has ascended at least to 5D by transfiguring from a carbon-based body into crystalline light body."" + +The three cities of light will be open portals to the multiverse and to numerous advanced humanoid, and later on, other civilisations, such as the dragons. Alone this fact will make the existence of national states and nations obsolete as all the people will recognize their multidimensional nature and will strive to ascend too and be able to live in these cities of light and enjoy the advantages of a higher dimensional life. In the first place, they will enjoy the healing possibilities there which will help all humans advance rapidly in their LBP and also ascend. + +(Source: [http://www.stankovuniversallaw.com](http://www.stankovuniversallaw.com)) + +&#x200B; + +""You see, nothing is ever just about one thing. We are not just sharing information with you. We are also preparing you for contact. Now, all of the other beings from the other star systems that are connecting with you all through the various channels that you have there on Earth are doing the same thing. And certainly those who channel faeries are readying you for more interactions with the fae."" + +""We are excited to witness the coming together of humanity and the Arcturian beings that you will be meeting in the flesh. Now, of course, some have already established connections with physical Arcturian beings. A full and open contact with the fourth and fifth dimensional beings who are from our little star system."" + +(Source: [www.danielscranton.com](https://www.danielscranton.com) ) + +&#x200B; + +\`\`\`Keywords: spirituality, starseeds, occult, esoteric, lightworker, light warrior, spiritual awakening, light body, soul technology, quantum, lucid dreaming, astral projection, psychic, chaos magic, otherkin, bilocation, golden age, mentor, indigo, crystalline, human angels, transliminal souls, walk-ins, lucid dream, mental projection, multilocation\`\`\` + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +49498,Yup. Done. Literally never been so fucked up in my 10 years or treatment and meds. I am honestly having a hard time imagining waking up tomorrow. I just want some fucking peace. I want all my pain to go away.,Bipolar +47025,"???? am i cured??????? After an intense manic episode that ended in me trying to kill myself and being admitted into a mental hospital I was diagnosed as BP. My psych doesn't know which one I have, but ever since then I've been taking lithium along with Wellbutrin. He's upped my dosage which ended up in me feeling sick, so I haven't been taking meds for almost 4 weeks. I've been feeling quite.... weird. I don't want to kill myself, but I do think about how life is meaningless and I dissociate quite a lot to escape my dull reality. I've gotten my attention span back and I have a will to read books again. I was feeling a little manic earlier, but now I feel ????stable???? is that the word? This is so strange- not having extreme ups and downs, plus I'm not taking meds. I'n confused and scared I'm going to experience a huge crash.",Bipolar +50018,"I don’t know what to do…needing to vent 43 F, was diagnosed with BP II at 34 years old. My parents definitely both have some type of undiagnosed mood disorders but Bipolar runs rampant on my father’s side. + +Currently taking 375mg Lamictal (extra 100 added because I use the Nuvaring), 900mg lithium, and 300mg of gabapentin. I had a pretty bad alcohol issue prior to January. I realized I went into mixed episodes when I mixed lithium and wine. So I switched to Whiteclaw and had no issues and now I just have not been drinking much. Like an idiot I was feeling relaxed the other night and thought it would be nice to have some wine to further calm down. Just had a glass. Last night, I drank the rest, and started getting super hopeless. + +My issues with bipolar lead to my husband telling me he wanted a divorce 2 months ago. I was struggling a lot in the second half of 2022. I was weaned off Lexapro after taking it for 8 years. Historically, i do not do well in periods of adjusting meds. I was getting better by early January as I stopped drinking wine. But then the divorce happened (not officially but no chance of reconciliation). + +My kids (13 and 15) knew he wanted a divorce before I did. They thought it was a good idea because of all of the fighting. My 13 year old still spends time with me but my 15 year old doesn’t even like being around me. I love spending time with them, and it’s the only thing that makes me remotely happy at the moment but they are just not that into it, which makes me less happy. + +I literally am so miserable. The only thing that I like doing is going to concerts. So I bought four concert tickets for shows over the next two months. I just don’t know how I can sustain being so depressed. I am a mid-level practitioner in a profession I can’t get out of because of a bias/ stigma against. I hate my job and it’s actually physically injuring me. I’m in $400K+ student loan debt ($120K being the actual loan, the rest as interest). I wasn’t aware that I had bipolar when I started professional college. My career requires an entrepreneurial mindset and this motivation fluctuates. I’ve tried applying for jobs outside of my profession but I know I’m qualified for and I am always rejected or looked over. + +I have no family or friends closer than 1000 miles that actually care about me. Just online friends. I live in a very expensive city near where my husband is from and cannot leave. + +I just feel like I exist to bring in a paycheck and give my kids rides or help them as needed. + +If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. Would love any thoughts or advice.",Bipolar +47004,"Can Abilify induce hypomania? TLDR: is it the Latuda or the Abilify making me temporarily hypomanic at night? + +Long version: +I've been on Latuda for 3 years, with a 6 week break at the end of a pregnancy (to avoid neonatal withdrawal). Latuda made me feel like shit, but I took it because it's the ""safest"" during pregnancy, according to 2 psychiatrists I talked to. It made me anxious, nauseous, and kind of caused a sundowning effect where I got depressed at night (I called it the ""Night Dreads""). + +When I stopped taking it at the end of my pregnancy, I felt so much better, but I know I can't stay off medication. I started taking it again, but the side effects were so nasty that I couldn't deal with them with a newborn. + +My psychiatrist put me on Abilify, but I have to cross titrate. I can't just stop the Latuda. I'm down to 15 mg of Latuda a day, and I'm taking 2.5 mg of Abilify. + +I feel muuuuuch better during the day... more like my old self. However, my Night Dreads have gotten a lot more agitated and started feeling like a mild mixed state. So now I'm wondering which to blame - Latuda, or Abilify? The nausea accompanying it sure feels like Latuda. + +I've been down to 15 mg of Latuda for about a week. I'm debating dropping it completely tomorrow and taking the full 5 mg of Abilify. I'm worried about mania... I have a 5 week old to think about. Can I get some opinions? I'm loathe to give up the Abilify, since I feel so much better during the day now. I have a psychiatrist appointment soon, but in the meantime, I'd like to hear what you guys think.",Bipolar +45617,"Happiness I feel like there's been a lot of posts on here lately about people fearing that happiness or stability will turn into hypomania. This made me think about how much it sucks that people with bipolar have to approach happiness in ways that others don't. + +For the first time in years, a bunch of positive stuff is coming together for me: I'm (for the moment) financially secure, my job is challenging but not overwhelming, I have the chance to work on a really cool project, the weather is nice (where I am), I've been running again and signed up for a race, and after careful tapering, I'm down to my lowest daily dose of Klonopin in 9 years. + +For someone without bipolar, it would be obvious that this combination of things would make someone happy, and you wouldn't question that this is a great thing! But since I have bipolar, I'm already like: am I happy or am I *too* happy? + +It just seems kinda unfair that we can't just be happy when nice stuff happens to us. People with unipolar depression who begin to feel less depressed have nothing to fear (unless their SSRIs make them manic and turn into one of us, mwahahaha). People who have anxiety and become less anxious--great! People with bipolar who finally reach a balance...nope! Better be on the watch for hypomania! + +It just seems like we're not allowed to enjoy being happy....",Bipolar +50019,"Can’t concentrate I have so much work and homework to do and I’m really struggling because everything just feels kind of fuzzy and confused. Probably because of the meds. + +I have a random ADHD medication left over from when I used to get those and I am trying to talk myself out of thinking I should maybe take that. Or some herbal pill that’s similar. + +Maybe I should have some tea or something. I hate that I have so much trouble functioning now. But I just need encouragement or support to not take something that might put me on a path to mania. I know I shouldn’t, but…",Bipolar +45917,Feeling like I’m on a timer Yes I posted this to another subreddit sorry if you’re seeing this again but I’ve come to realize that every time I’m manic I am incredibly anxious and agitated because I know the false feeling of happiness is going to crash and burn in a couple weeks. Anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome or cope with the feeling? ,Bipolar +45623,"(Canada) How do you guys feel about #BellLetsTalk week this week? I hate it so much. +Great idea, raising money every year but oh my god is it just an excuse for everyone to beg for attention about their struggles. The focus should be on awareness of mental health and illness. not on Jenny, a 17 year old girl with anxiety and depression who wants to one up everyone's amount of hospital stays and suicide attempts in a 2 paragraph long post that never talks about anyone else but herself. +Plus no one ever raises awareness for anything except depression and anxiety and it drives me nuts! +Oh man, sorry I'm annoyed, what do you guys think? ",Bipolar +49806,Panic attack. Tips? How do you guys manage panic and anxiety attacks? I’m currently having one right now and am struggling to breath. I know I’m being irrational but I can’t stop. Does anyone have any helpful feedback or tips?,Bipolar +49581,Good news! I just got home from an appointment with my psychiatrist and she’s told me that I’ve been improving 😍 She reduced my 3 meds to just Quetiapine and I’m really happy today 🧡,Bipolar +50409,"Is it possible to turn your life around if you hate every waking moment of it. After finally coming to terms with the fact that mania has ruined everything good I’ve worked so hard for in my life, I’m recommitted to bettering myself. Only issue is I keep comparing my current situation to the past when tunings were good. + +I really want to graduate college. I do. I went for three years. However, now, I cry after every class and have panic attacks at the thought of having to do the work and/or study to get through it. Not to mention that my program of study is going to take 2.5 years to complete and I have no motivation. + +I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m miserable if I just sit home and do nothing and I’m miserable when I go out and actually try something. Advice?? 😞",Bipolar +46779,"Seroquel + Lamictal My doc is adding seroquel to my lamitcal again, after several years. The last time I was on it was in hospital, so I can't really remember any side effects. Anyone have this combo? I'm going on vacation next week and I'm not sure if I want to start before I go away. ",Bipolar +49811,"suicidal? i am unsure how to express this other than i have this underlying desire to end my life, i am confused about my identity and i have no substance as an individual. while others around me discuss their interests i can only muster a disingenuous laugh to contribute anything. i dont know how to follow along a conversation anymore and i am so hyper aware of my own shortcomings in life and this aching feeling of not liking being in my own skin that ive always always always had and I have grown accustomed to. the thought of suicide doesn’t even feel flighty or impulsive anymore it just feels right. i remind myself that one day i may feel good in my flesh, but for know i am an imposter in life.",Bipolar +45977,"Progress is not good enough I have bipolar 1. When I go manic I go full hallucinating manic. When I get depressed I get dangerously close to killing myself. + +I’m better now where I ride waves of hypomania and depression. I feel like that is progress but it isn’t good enough. + +I’m not perfect. I don’t want this illness. I can’t control how stable I am. I take my medicine, I do my cbt and DBT coping techniques. + +I just wish people wouldn’t expect me to be stable all the time. I’m trying my best. + +Can anyone relate? ",Bipolar +47062,How many of you take or have taken Lamictal? I’ve been on Lamictal for over 2 years. I started with small doses but as of August I’ve been at 300 mg a day. The last couple months I’ve been kind of foggy and just haven’t really felt like myself. If it is my Lamictal I don’t understand why it’s just now happening since I’ve been on it for so long. It’s also made my mouth kind of numb for a couple hours after I’ve taken it after I moved up to about 200 mg. Im curious about what other people’s experiences are.,Bipolar +46517,"I feel like shit. I'm swinging into a big, dark depression. + +I'm getting married in August and I'm kind of dreading it. Putting the guest list together has been stressful because I hate hurting feelings but I would rather elope so bad. + +I'm a full time teacher now. Prior to that I didn't work when I was in graduate school. I'm having to accept that I can't do the things I used to do all the time. I know this sounds dumb, but I bought a seasons pass for the local ski area and I've only used it once this year. That's the most depressing thing to me. + +My friendships have dwindled as I got older. It's pretty sad. + +I'm just sad. I hate life changes.",Bipolar +46222,"Vitamin D and B-12 Deficiency Sorry about lack of clarity, I’m not exactly sure how to phrase this because I’m confused myself, and I am on mobile. + +I sought out treatment after I was having some pretty concerning suicidal thoughts the past year. + +I reached out the a therapist at my University, and immediately was referred to a psychiatrist under the guise of maybe benefitting from mood stabilizers. + +Before my psychiatry appointment, I researched into mood stabilizers and saw they were used in treating bipolar. Read up on bipolar and really identified/ understood why she would recommend me to the psychiatrist assuming she thought I could have bipolar. + +Met with the psychiatrist, and not to my surprise she said she was sure I was bipolar. However she wanted me to get bloodwork before starting me on lithium to see my levels in various things. She said she was going to diagnose me official with unspecified mood disorder until she saw my results regarding my thyroid. + +I was pretty bummed hearing this news, she essentially told me I had bipolar disorder but lacked whether it was I or II, so I still felt lost but like I was on the right track. + +Well, my blood work came back and everything was normal except I had extremely low vitamin D and B-12. My psychiatrist called me and gave me dosage for otc vitamins. I read into the situation wrong and assumed she was just reducing my issues down to deficiencies. + +I know these two deficiencies do not explain mania. Maybe vitamin D explains psychosis, but I don’t experience this. I felt like everyone was so sure I was bipolar and led me on to thinking I had a solution, and I think this issue runs deeper than just supplements. + +I know many mental illnesses have links to vitamin deficiencies, and I guess my confusion comes from whether or not anyone else experienced this along with being bipolar. I have an appointment on Thursday, first one since bloodwork, and was wondering if I should mention the bipolar diagnosis if she doesn’t. + +TLDR; is my doctor reducing her diagnosis to needing vitamin d and b-12? Can this and bipolar coincide? ",Bipolar +50618,"How to explain what BD is like? Hi friends! Sorry if this is the wrong place to post. + +I (20F) was diagnosed with BD2 back around October, so still fairly recent. I am super lucky to have a family that encourages me to keep going to therapy and stay on medication, however I’m finding they don’t really *understand* what I’m going through. + +While I’m aware there’s no real way for them to conceptualize what is actually happening to me during hypo episodes more specifically (was misdiagnosed w depression at 17, depression I feel is a little easier understood) I’d like to be able to have them be aware of what an episode is like. I can’t exactly put it all into words when trying to explain it to them myself, and I often feel like doing that ends up scaring/worrying them more. So I’m looking for a resource that can detail what hypomania is really like, whether that be a day-to-day kind of thing, or just an extensive list of symptoms. + +Most recently I spent several days awake, and have had obvious weight loss, which led my dad to ask my older brother if he thought I had been getting into meth/coke, as my dad was previously addicted to meth and experienced similar symptoms. + +Thanks to all who took the time to read this!",Bipolar +50638,"Anyone take Asenapine with a CPAP? I have been taking Saphris (Asenapine). For over 10 years and also use a CPAP. One weird thing I have noticed is if I take the Saphris right before putting my cpap mask on, the Saphris doesn’t seem to work as well. I think it’s because the air from the machine dries out my throat and because the med is sublingual, it does not dissolve correctly. Has anyone else noticed this?",Bipolar +46215,"We just made a website for free advice! Hello everyone, we are a small team of individuals offering free help. + +Check us out. + +&#x200B; + +[https://positivetalk.godaddysites.com/](https://positivetalk.godaddysites.com/)",Bipolar +50461,"Something I wrote before I knew I was bipolar. I used to think it was a personality disorder, instead of a mood disorder. + +Dear Journal…well I really don’t know that much about you being dear… that’s clearly a lie as it is the first time I write in this type of journal -though I had been writing quite often on “my phone journal”-. Either way, dear beloved, and most precious electronic journal, I will bless thee with the presence of worded words that word the words I word. Today’s riveting topic…. My day! As I don’t think I have the mental capacity to write about anything else of meaning… or do I? The purpose of this journal thing is to make me a better writer in both English and Spanish, yet if all I put into the white walls is rubbish and nonsense, how am I to become better at throwing electronic ink at immaterial wood-stuff? Perhaps I should find something… as simple as it may be…something I can turn into cohesion. I guess it is as good a time as ever to speak about feelings… my feelings, nonetheless. + +How does anxiety feel? I know we’ve all been there. Any E-scripture on anxiety that you might stumble upon will say as much, but, baring mental health professionals, I don’t think that those of us that enunciate the word “anxiety” with statistical-outlier levels of frequency have the same notion of the concept than those whose usage falls into the mean. What I mean by that, of course, is that those of us afflicted by pathological levels of anxiety feel it in a quantitively and qualitatively different way. I guess that’s why we get diagnosed… catalogued as distinct by the authorities that oversee defining this part of society. We’re a messy bunch. It reflects in all facets of my life. + +I have messy hair, messy eyes, my room is messy my thoughts are scattered (and messy!), I can’t make a decision for the love of myself; the short version: I don’t work. I mean that both literally and figuratively, whatever that means! (think about it! What does the verb “to work” mean in a literal way? Is it having a job? But that’s having a job, we call it work because you do motions in a job, but we call the motions “work”, because “work” is the act of physical exertion right? I don’t know, this is literal garbage that I’m talking right now (talking/writing “garbage” can’t literally be literal (I think I just transferred a calque from Spanish, too long to get into this tangent))). I can’t hold a normal job; I can’t hold my emotions most of the times. Today some guy at the mall forgot my coffee, and I felt like as if I’ve murdered someone. I mean, I’ve never killed anyone -and I hope I never do such a heinous thing-, but you know that feeling you get in your chin, your chest and neck that pushes you down? The one you get when something bad, really bad is about to happen? I was feeling that over a coffee man. I stared the guy directly in the eye, not with the best of intentions. I was literally offended, but I don’t feel that it was in a normal way. How do I know that? Cause I didn’t use to be like that. Emotions, to me, seem to work now like to a BPD patient (perhaps I have BPD traits?). How do emotions work for BPD patients? Simple! Take an emotion X and then square it. A more detailed example: anger(in BPD afflicted individual) = anger\^2. Or perhaps it’s even a cubical function: i.e., anger\^3 (I don’t even remember if cube is exponential 3). Anxiety is writing parenthesis excusing yourself of mistakes in your personal journal entries that no one else will ever fucking read. + +Anxiety is looking at your neighbor and running away inside your home for no reason. Anxiety is feeling gutted for dreaming about the people that made you the happiest you’ve been in ages. Anxiety is snapping at those who love you, because you can’t love yourself and everything has a bitter taste to shit. Anxiety is wanting to die, looking at places where you could hang yourself, feeling relief at the thought of no longer breathing, imagining a knife to the throat, thinking about swerving into traffic, travelling, and not feeling anything, kissing someone you’re deeply into and not feeling anything, doubting everything you do, every single cell in your body being inadequate. Anxiety is knowing at a scientific level that something is wrong, but still suffering through it. Anxiety is abusing drugs, anxiety is depression, anxiety is the antithesis of life, of enjoyment, of love and all that’s good. This is “anxiety”, as this is obviously a corrupted, poisonous version of a feeling that’s supposed to help us survive: i.e., anxiety. “Anxiety” turns a survival tool against those who are trying to survive. + +Do my friends love me? -that’s what I’m stressing about as I type this-.",Bipolar +46983,"If none of the bipolar/antidepressant/antipsychotic/antiseizure medicines do anything to help me feel better & improve my life, does that mean I don't have bipolar disorder? I've had every symptom of bipolar disorder for 25 years. Have seen doctors & tried every bipolar medicinal med you can name. But none of the medications have helped. They've only made me feel worse with their side effects. + + Has anyone else out there had this experience? + + I mean I have every symptom of bipolar disorder, if the medicines don't work does that mean I don't really have bipolar disorder I just have the symptoms? + +",Bipolar +45792,"Getting out of the house while feeling like shit Had grocery shopping to do..one of my least favorite things when I'm depressed. I pulled into a dollar store parking lot spot and noticed a car behind me wanting *me* to pull forward into the spot ahead of me (making my car backwards) so they could pull in and have my primo spot. I was parked correctly, already parked and I wasn't going to pull forward. The lady sat there for 4 mins waiting for me. She finally sped off and went around the parking lot to the other side to pull into the spot she wanted me to go in and gave me the meanest glare. At this point my adrenaline kicked in and I gave her a thumbs up with a huge grin. I don't have time for weird shit and I'm not going to let someone bully out of my spot. But anyway, she waited in her car for me to get out. She was twice my size and looked like she was going to kill me. Needless to I stayed in the car and ended up leaving because I didn't need a scene in front of my kids or harm done. The adrenaline on the other hand has kicked off a good sensation and for the time today I don't feel sad. Thank you scary lady for the uplift. ",Bipolar +46936,Have Latuda side effects pushed anyone into a hypomanic state? So I’ve been on Latuda for 2 weeks no problems. I went from 20mg to 30mg. Been at 30 for 5 days then suddenly I have shortness of breath. It started about an hour after I took the dose. It really freaked me out—I think it pushed me into a hypomanic state. I haven’t slept all night and I just want to get up and get some writing work done. I’m calling my Doc when the office opens in about 15 min. ,Bipolar +50445,Dismissive psychiatrist Started latuda awhile ago and I just had my follow up appointment. My memory recall and all around cognitive abilities have declined significantly. I have anxiety and fears that I've never experienced. (Fear of death etc). You know what my psych told me? These aren't things common with latuda. He told me that I need to get tested for obstructive sleep apnea. All of my symptoms point towards that instead of mental illness. What the hell! Ive been on meds since I was 15 and know myself well enough to have awareness of how something is affecting me. I hate how dismissive some doctors are. I'm searching for yet another psychiatrist. I'm so over this.,Bipolar +46285,"Is it bipolar So here’s the deal. I’m grappling with the variation of depression/anxiety to elation and feeling great. I’ve pinpointed that it’s about a 6-7 month cycle and I figured I’d put it out here to see if anybody else has similar stories/situations. + +For the last ~5 years I’ve had 6-7 months straight of feeling depressed, high anxiety, suicidal thoughts (with plans), isolation, and a general urge to just shut myself off from the world. One time I went without talking to my parents for like 6 months. Then all of a sudden I’ll wake up elated and happy and it’ll last for about 4 months. Then the cycle starts again. Right now I feel the depression starting back up. There was a trigger to my depression this time around but it’s really suck for the last few days, making me afraid I’m heading into another cycle. I’m so tired of it. And I’m in a position where I can’t get professional help. + +So I can’t figure out if this is a depression thing, suicide thing, or bipolar thing. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks. ",Bipolar +46141,"Rapid cycling is becoming increasingly unbearable So I’m bipolar one with rapid cycling. I was diagnosed about a year ago. + +Lately I have felt so isolated and I think I did it but self. I go one day happy about my life. And that the rest of the week it takes all of my energy just to get out of my bed. + +I know this comes with the illness. And I know that I’m going to be OK. But in the meantime I’d really like to stop crying and feeling like my life doesn’t matter. + +I feel very alone even when I am around other people. + +I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. + +I don’t remember how I ended up like this. + +I’m so frustrated because the last three years I had so many horrible things happen. + +I’m trying to get myself under control. + +I take my medicine but it doesn’t seem to work. I change it. That will work for a few weeks. Then I have to move on to something else. + + I don’t take Xanax or Clonopin. Only because my doctor doesn’t want me to become dependent on them. I don’t know. I guess a lot of people become addicted. I don’t have an addictive personality that I’m aware of. But Vistaril doesn’t work. + +I smoke a lot of pot and that helps but where I’m from it’s not really something you can admit. And its something I can get arrested for but it’s also on of the few things that calm me down enough to be rational. + +I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how any one could put up with me. But I don’t have anyone to talk to. + +I know I am being irrational. But right now everything feels real. + +What am I suppose to do? I just want it to go away. + +I feel like I am being ridiculous. + +How did this happen? I haven’t always been like this... anxious, yes. I’ve always been a nervous person. But I was brave. And now I’m afraid of everyone and everything. + +I’m not really looking for answers. I just needed to say it. I don’t want to hate my life. I want to be better. I have to get better. This can’t be the rest of my life. +",Bipolar +46736,"Don't Want a Life with Bipolar [Trigger Warning] I spend most of my time deeply depressed. Suicide attempts, ideation, self harm, isolation, and generally there is just a huge part of me that bullies myself. I've been in therapy for years, been hospitalized, tried every med out there, and I excersize, meditate, and eat well. At best I am minimally functional. + +I can't handle stress, relationships destroy me, and I can't connect to anyone. This is not a life I am willing to live so now what? I can't keep doing this. Life is almost purely pain and suffering for me. It's torture. I can't have a day without extremely intrusive thoughts of mutilating myself and I have a million other health problems besides bipolar. On top of that my life is generally just a disaster and I can't afford food or a place to live. I hate who I am and I hate that after years of work, I am no different. All I want is to be able to love others and be loved, but I think I'm broken and unfixable. What do I do? Is suicide my only option? I can't do more meds and the hospital was traumatic. I can't go back there.",Bipolar +49525,"Losing friends over diagnosis? Just semi recently some people who I considered long time friends and I truly believe it’s because I was being more open about my diagnosis. For context they has DID and alters and I tried to accommodate for them as much as I could. Yet they randomly removed me after we spent a few weeks together (it was a visit) +I don’t really know what went wrong as I took my meds and I have a passive nature in general. No manic outbursts or emotional ones at all. We all were laughing and having a great time laughing and doing fun activities. But as soon as I got home one of them just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. And I truly believe it was discriminatory behavior because I would bring up my diagnosis/ make jokes of because they would do the same. (Making jokes of my diagnosis helps me cope in a way) It took me bit to collect myself but I’m doing a whole lot better with therapy now that they’re not in my life anymore. They were also very against seeking medical advice for mental illness and rather get high and not address their issues with a professional. Has anyone else here ever lost close friends that backstabbed you over your diagnosis? Or is it better for people with this disease to just keep everyone at arms length and give the cold shoulder out of fear of discrimination or assumptions on what they think bipolar is? Most people don’t judge by the content of your character anymore and it’s so incredibly sad it has to be that way",Bipolar +45431,"No sleep I didn’t get any sleep last night for no reason. I missed two meetings this morning to try and rest but I couldn’t fall asleep. I just can’t afford to go hypomanic right now with starting work again. I have one important meeting in an hour and then I’ll try and rest again. + +Any tips to stop this in its track!?",Bipolar +50570,"I wish I could date a therapist to receive free therapy. This is obviously a joke. Why are therapies so expensive? I acknowledge that therapists work hard to be qualified, but my insurance barely covers it. The relief I feel after every session is counteracted by the anxiety for the amount on the invoice. + +I wish I could get the help I need without having to sacrifice half of my paycheck.",Bipolar +49984,"Can antipsychotics make you stupid? Don't know how else to put this. I feel like my cognition and intelligence aren't what they used to be. It takes me 3x as long to do what I used to be able to do. My thinking is slow and repetitive and I'm tired all the time. + +I tried looking this up online but couldn't find any conclusive answers. Decided to hop on here and ask you guys myself. Do you feel like you just became ""dumber"" after starting antipsychotics?",Bipolar +49680,Another drawing from a prev episode Also I finally slept! May have only been 5 hours but I'll take it,Bipolar +49983,"After years of resistance, I’m finally considering going on Disability……. So, I started my mental health journey at the age of 20. I was initially diagnosed Bipolar 2, and tried a number of medications that either didn’t work, or made me worse. + +The bad experience with medication caused me to “take a break” from medication, off and on. + +Around the age of 25 I was hospitalized for a manic episode. A year later, when I was 26, I was hospitalized again for another manic episode. + +Finally, around the age of 27, I started seeing a new psychiatrist, and she put me on Abilify, and to my surprise, I finally felt stable, happy, and “normal”. + +Over the years, I have had to adjust my Abilify every now and again, but can usually get stable fairly quickly. + +Until now. + +I began having hypomanic symptoms about a week ago, so we raised my Abilify to 30MGS and added 5MGS of Zyprexa. + +Maybe I’m being impatient, it’s only been two days, but I’m still having hypomanic symptoms. And on top of that, I’m having balance and coordination issues. + +My fear is that the Abilify is no longer working, and I am accepting the possibility that I may have to start from square one. + +Which means medication trial and error, and with my past bad experiences with medication, I may be completely dysfunctional for God knows how long. + +Which leads me to considering possibly going on Disability. I know it’s not easy to get, and could take up to a year to receive benefits, which is a concern. + +I also feel going on Disability may lower my self esteem. To be clear, I don’t judge others that are on it who really need it. It’s just a personal issue I have, I really want to work and function in the real world. + +And I know you also have to jump through a bunch of hoops to get Disability, and even when I’m “stable” I tend to give up easily. + +So yeah. I guess I’m posting because I’m really on the fence about this. I’m scared, worried and feel shame. + +Thanks to whoever reads this or replies.",Bipolar +46911,"To depressed to shower? We all know to hit the hotspots with baby wipes, reapply deodorant, febreze clothes, spray some cologne, use some dry shampoo. But if your feet stink, the best, fastest way to curb it is to use a household antibacterial cleaning spray. A few squirts of 409 and your foot stank is a distant memory. ",Bipolar +46979,"Life changing I posted awhile back about meds change. The effectiveness of meds hits me quick so the change was pretty much overnight. Prior to the change my body hurt all the time. I was always exhausted, I longed for my couch. I had no motivation to clean my disaster of a house or car. 2 days after taking the new meds I cleaned out my car. It’s still covered in dog hair, but not trash. I just went to the store and bought black hefty bags and am going to throw out all the stuff that’s been accumulating in my house over the years. I’ve been out with friends. I’ve been socializing more with coworkers and the brain fog has lifted, making conversation easier. It has been years since I’ve felt this way. It’s amazing. I want to do as much as I possibly can while this lasts. I can’t help but feel it’ll be taken away and I want to be productive, but not overly manic-productive. I’ve got all the windows open when I usually have the blinds drawn. It’s a beautiful day and my house needs airing out. + +The best part is my father, who was against meds for years, pointed out the fact that meds can plateau and you might need to switch them up. And then if those stop working you might need to switch back to the original meds. I was blown away. He did all of this research on his own. My shitty mother stayed silent, then started talking about herself, as usual. But I didn’t care. I’m lucky to have my dad and to have a successful meds switch. + +Just wanted to share. I wish the feeling and relief I have right now for all of you.",Bipolar +45766,"Essay about living with a mental illness Deborah Danner was killed by police in New York City. She was a woman living with Schizophrenia. She was intelligent and insightful. Although she did not have bi-polar disorder, I think this essay about living with mental illness is appropriate for this subreddit. + +https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/10/19/nyregion/document-Living-With-Schizophrenia-by-Deborah-Danner.html",Bipolar +46555,"Too much stuff Im going through this episode where i keep thinking i have too much stuff. Doc said its a manic thing, but I'm really anxious about it. I feel claustrophobic in my own home. I have this feeling that i need to get rid of every physical object i own because I'm so uncomfortable. This feeling comes and goes every few weeks, and i dont have much in the way of possessions. Im ways trying to justify giving away or throwing away my belongings. Any ideas on how to cope?",Bipolar +49994,"Bipolar and video games Had an interesting moment of introspection playing Skyrim today. + +The theme in a lot of my favorite games is that I can just...be. No Man's Sky is probably the best example of this. I'm not out to destroy the evil empire, or make some trade fortune. Can if I want, but most of the time I'm just a dude with a space suit and a beat-up old ship, exploring and getting by. + +In real life, the most self-destructive nonsense I've gotten into has been out of a sense of grandiosity. Currently paying off $10k worth of debt from trying to be a self-employed trader. There was that time when trying to be ""off-the-grid"" left me drug addicted and homeless. + +Maybe just being kind and at peace is enough of a challenge, and enough of a reward.",Bipolar +50366,"I'd rather have cancer Then at least there'd be a hope of getting cured and resuming a mostly normal life. If I knew I just needed to push through the next few years of misery, and then it would be over one way or another, then I think I could do it. And if I did end up dying, at least it would be out of my control. No one judges or blames a person who dies of cancer. No one judges someone for dropping out of life completely to go through chemo. No one blames themselves for their kid dying of cancer. People have so much compassion and sympathy for people with cancer. Why is it that the same compassion isn't extended to people with incurable, lifelong, crippling mental illness? Why does someone's pain have to be cosmetically obvious for people to care, or even believe it's real? + +I talked about this with my mom, who barely survived her own cancer, and she agreed with me without hesitation. I at least feel grateful to have family that can understand and support me, a luxury I know many of us don't have.",Bipolar +46990,"Everything is just the worst, and I can't even give up. I'm about to have a breakdown and don't know what to do I'm so irresponsible and kept wasting so much money, now I'm at risk of losing my job because I know I'm going to fail a drug test. But I don't even know whether theres going to be a test or not. I can't lose this job, I am so fucking close to a promotion, I have so much growth potential. It's perfect for my life right now and I can't afford anything else. My dominant hand is fucked up from work so I can barely use it. My bipolar is I don't even know what's going on. I have to spend the next 3 days traveling for my grandfather's funeral. I've been relying on weed to help and now i can't use that. + +My family is dealing with my grandpas death so I can't go to them for support. My best friend is dealing with his own mental health. My boyfriend is in a rough spot himself. I don't have anyone to turn to and I have no idea how I'm going to make it these even next few days, let alone weeks. + +All I want to do is die and give the fuck up. But how can I do that to my family? My roommate can't afford rent on her own. My boyfriend will be so sad. My friends will be broken. + +I'm just in a continuous cycle of fucked up shit. It's not worth the good times anymore. Like they're great and all, and I use to be able to use that as motivation to go on but now I just don't care. + +I'm freaking out and crying in bed right now, but come tomorrow morning I have to hold it together and pretend everything is okay, go to a funeral without breaking down. I'm struggling with fucking spellcheck right now how the fuck am I supposed to deal with a funeral. + +I'm going to fucking breakdown and everyone is going to have to deal with that. But we'll be across the country and it's my fucking grandfather's fucking funeral what shit timing. Everything is so bad and I want to die I dont even know where I'm going with any of this but I need help. + +My plan was just to get high during the trip but now I cant do that. I have to go back to work Saturday but I also think I need to go inpatient. But how will my roommate afford rent? How will anything fucking work for everyone else. I should just die and they'll deal with that but then it will be over. No future problems. What the fuck do I do",Bipolar +49695,"I have question about your depressive episode Is your depressive episode caused by + +specific life event (triggering event) + +or + +flow of time and biological cycle? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +mine is caused by specific life event (triggering event) + +and idk how other people go thru depressive episodes + +i am recently diganosed (my doc was confused about my symptoms and tracked me for a long time) + +and i want to be educated + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +thank you so much and hope yall have a good day",Bipolar +50581,,Bipolar +46874,"Vyvanse and Bipolar 2 I don’t have ADHD or Binge Eating Disorder, let me preface this with that. + +I recently did some genetic testing through my psychiatrist and the results came back that I would highly benefit from stimulants, if I had the need to take them.(Also said I should never take SSRIs and all atypical antipsychotics will make me gain weight- fun facts) I know it’s very uncommon, and I’ve read some horrible things about having bipolar and taking stimulants (mania, psychosis, etc) but my pdoc put me on 20mg to see if it could help with my cognitive and executive function. + +Does anyone have experience with taking Vyvanse without one of the regular prescribed diagnosis? + +Also, if you take Vyvanse just in general, how did you deal with the crash? First day taking it and I feel like hell, it’s been about 10-11 hours since I took it now. + +Thanks!!",Bipolar +49820,"I can’t even recognize myself Uhhh so my self esteem has been so incredibly low that now when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize my face. I feel like a stranger. It’s scary and weird to look directly into my eyes in the mirror because I just feel like it’s not me in the reflection. + +I avoid pictures and mirrors all the time and now I don’t know how to get back to feeling at least a bit comfortable with ny face. Please help.",Bipolar +46540,"In the emergency room right now. Came here as I think I’m having lithium poisoning. Told my psychiatrist I didn’t want to be on this and I feel like he totally dismissed me. Now I’m suffering physically and mentally... Nauseous, migraine, chills, weird thoughts, throwing up. Felt awful all day and listened to my body. Something is wrong so I’m in the emergency room with my fiancé, baby, and brother close to midnight. I told my new doctor that I didn’t want to be on lithium and he told me I needed to be on it. Fighting off the shakes and just want to be home, without a migraine, and without a knot in my stomach. Has anybody else experienced lithium poisoning? ",Bipolar +45688,"Body of an 80 year old ( joint pains why?) So on a cocktail of meds to keep me stable apparently trying to kill your self or thinking others/hallucinations are trying to kill you is not convenient for living. On lithium 250mg , quetiapin ( which can go burn in hell) 150mg and now most recently lamotragine 200mg (lamictal) grand less of a unstable mess , bar the mega weight gain it's going pretty well, but now I'm having sever joint pain, crunchy old lady joint pain, at first it thought I'd just wankered my legs doing a 15km run but now it's my knees elbows fingers ankles and hips. Anyone had this and is there an easy fix that isn't putting myself down. Small grimaces of pain every step I take is making people around me extra uncomfortable. +Thanks ?? + + +Seeing my doctor in 9 days but not going enjoy these 9 days ",Bipolar +46995,"Stability and the fear of “what if” I had a major depressive episode in the winter of last year and it had taken me almost a full year to reach stability again, or maybe for the first time. It wasn’t until I had this episode that I was treated for bipolar II after a partial hospitalization and a more intense inquiry of my symptoms. I was prescribed mood stabilizers and an antipsychotic for the first time, and I can truly say I now know what stability feels like. So much so that I sometimes wonder if I can still identify with others on this sub. + +It’s days like today though that I get the sinking feeling of “what if it’s happening again”. After a conversation with my mom, she pointed how agitated and combative I was being and I realized over yesterday and today that I’ve been cocky, agitated, and jittery. I also realized that the weather just turned where I live and all these things are the early signs of a hypomanic episode for me and I can’t help but get hit with the fear of “am I ramping up again? Is it going to happen? What will happen to my job if I have an episode? What does it mean for my treatment if it doesn’t work?” + +I know that I’m most likely fine but the sudden fear just makes me realize that no matter how stable I feel, I always need to keep an eye out for the future. I don’t think we will ever be free as we need to be ever vigilant for bipolar to rear its ugly head again.",Bipolar +46371,"Keep taking Wellbutrin through manic episode?? I don’t have any antipsychotics or mood meds besides Lithium that i haven’t taken in months and I have to wait 2 days before going to doctor + +Should i skip my Wellbutrin dose?? 300mg XR. Incase it’s making mania worse? ",Bipolar +45653,Severe anxiety after being admitted and realeases...help!! I need help! I cant do this!its a continuous fullblown anxiety!!,Bipolar +45552,"Benadryl vs seroquel for sleep? My pdoc joked the other day that she wants to do a study comparing benadryl and seroquel for sleep because she thinks they'd have the same effect. + +Anyone have any experience comparing the two? Does anyone know if there's any science on how each one works and what the longer term effects could be?",Bipolar +46546,"[Help] Depakote side effects (x-post from r/bipolar) Please help. + +Just started depakote on Friday. 250mg/2 day. + +I feel lethargic. I sleep as much as I can and can’t get enough. I feel sick. Drinking water makes me want to vomit. I get mild visual/audio hallucinations, but I have a feeling that’ll pass. My muscles are pretty shaky and I feel week. + +How long will this last?",Bipolar +46364,"Weird hypomania, or am I just an idiot? Ever since my diagnosis 2 years ago I've gotten pretty good at recognizing my hypo/manic symptoms...after the fact at least, but more than a few times I've had experiences where I just have one, maybe two symptoms for a week or two, then one or two days that might actually qualify as something. + +Uniformly it's pleasurable/risky behavior/ being more goal oriented. I have pretty high self esteem all the time unless I'm depressive so I can't use it to judge (unless it's gotten to the point where I think about running for office or starting a cult, that's pretty obvious) + +I don't get flight of ideas, sleeplessness, distracted, pressured speech, etc during these times. When I'm full blown hypo/manic I get at least 50% of the above. + +So what does this mean? Is it hypo-hypomania? Am I just making stupid or rash decisions?",Bipolar +50458,"Nicotine relapse when hypomanic I’m not sure what I’ll gain from this but I just need to vent my frustrations. I’ve also not slept all night so I’m more emotional I guess. I’m upset with myself but at the same time not because I expected it. I’ve quit vaping/cigarettes so many times. When I have it has been for long periods and I have been so thankful because I hate how I feel when I’m constantly abusing my body. +However, whenever I get manic and it’s a bit worse than usual I hop right back on it. I tell myself I’ll regret it and it’s just a mental craving yet I still go buy a vape or cigarettes and start the cycle again. I’m sick of it. +Ive come so far in terms of managing this disorder. Yet I can’t seem to get a hold on this.",Bipolar +50329,"I was diagnosed with Bipolar II yesterday. I guess it's my life now. Hey everyone, I (18M) have had a mental illness all my life. That being ADHD. I was on Medication for it for about eight years, until last year, when I began to feel... different. + +My ADHD used to consist of hyperfixation, hyperactivity and inability to concentrate- so normal ADHD stuff, but last year before I graduated high school in May, I noticed something was changing. I assumed it was my ADHD, just evolving with new symptoms as I got older but towards Graduation time and shortly thereafter, I realized I was wrong. + +It began to get worse with huge depressive episodes, I would cry, or feeling like crying some days, and be fine the next. And I would feel worthless, like I didn't mean or contribute anything, and then have confidence that soared through the roof. I started snapping on people and then being okay the next second. + +The anger and mood swings problems got worse within the past few months. I work retail, and I've been showing attitude and anger and even hatred one moment, and then I'm super happy and energetic the next second. Even outside of work, I snap at my parents, my best friend and have constant negative emotions. I have started talking super-super fast without realizing, and feel like my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. (MY Psych mentioned this to me yesterday). + +One of the biggest things that coincides with the anger and mood swings is my impulse control and motivation. One thing I lack is impulse control, I know something is wrong, but I still choose to do it anyway. This has affected me with porn, gaming too much, and most importantly- spending. I have credit cards and I paid them off a month ago, and once again I have a huge balance on both, because I know I shouldnt be spending money, but in the moment it feels like I should. Also the lack of motivation issue is *huge*. I want to go to the gym, I want to go out and do things, but I just *can't* no matter how hard I force myself to try. + +After an argument with my mom about how she's worried about me and how she knows something is wrong, I came clean and told her that I've been keeping how I've been feeling from her, my dad, sisters, and my psychiatrist and therapist. I was afraid to be on new medicine and to be diagnosed with something new. My psych told me that sometimes ADHD can evolve or even be mistaken for Bipolar, since the two share similar symptoms. I was put on Latuda yesterday, and I feel no difference yet, since it takes 3 weeks or more to do so, but I'm hopeful. And hopefully I can learn to live with this since it's a part of me now.",Bipolar +46931,"How in the WORLD do you all use things such as ""To-Do"" lists on a daily basis?! How do you organize your life? I've tried: + + - ""Traditional"" pen & paper lists, as that's what we were taught throughout school, except I lose lists all the time + - Various mobile and desktop apps, where I end up over-using the solution and I'm left with a huge, clutter-y mess, in which there's a million things I need to do when only a dozen them are critical + - Not doing anything and forgetting everything I need to do + +And no matter method I try, I can never seem to remain consistent in any realm of my life, and it's absolutely eating me alive !! ",Bipolar +46239,"Therapist is trying a new CBT thing with me So my therapist has been saying I'm improving after a big setback. She wants me to try this thing I'll call the thought tree. When you get triggered you write what in that moment hurt you as the trunk. You then make limbs by writing what you thought when it happened. Kinda like the A,B,C chart. It all accumulates to the a big covering with your feeling as the leaves. Anyone else do this and does it help?",Bipolar +50480,Woke up 3am the past two days and being very high energy.. is this hypomania? Can’t tell if I’m just being active and productive or I’m just being straight up hypomania. I’m bipolar 1 and take meds daily. I thought with taking all my meds I’d never feel heightened or lower but I still do feel my moods go up and down even with meds.. but the moods are usually mild. But the past two days I’ve just been very active. Do you all feel the same sometimes?,Bipolar +50386,"How do you guys deal with making mistakes? I (32 f) can't seem to handle even the tiniest mistake. I made a mistake whilst driving today, nothing bad happened, just received an excessive amount of horn honking, I didn't do anything horrific but I just can't get over it. I feel like I should just quit driving altogether. It's been the same all of my life, I still die inside on an almost daily basis because of mistakes I made when I was a teenager.. I'm just looking for some coping mechanisms if anyone has any",Bipolar +46775,"Flattened emotions I’m on 4 mg of Abilify right now and I’m feeling it. I know that’s not a lot, but it’s certainly affecting me. I’m feeling very stable. VERY stable. To the point where I feel like I’m forcing myself to be happy. Not manic: even just smiling or hugging someone doesn’t feel good. It just feels numb. + +The bad part is that, by the way my psychiatrist described it, this is the intended outcome. It’s kind of upsetting, but only kind of. The ability to feel appropriate sadness seems to have been numbed out too. ",Bipolar +50147,"New user Hey everyone! + +I have bipolar and I’ve been in 40 hospitals. My parents tried to put me under conservativorship and filed 4x in California. They’re due for dismissal now. + +I am kinda hesitant to see when it gets dismissed because their lawyer is lagging the due date is April 25th. + +I just came back to LA from Boston. I was out of state lines then. So I might have to appear. + +On top of it, I bleached my hair and it came out yellow, now I have to go for another round of bleaching. + +Anyway, that’s my life + +So tell me about yours.",Bipolar +47015,"I feel like it is time I thought about creating a throwaway for this but I guess it just doesn't matter. I have bp1 with PTSD. I'm going through a mixed episode right now, have been for a few weeks. I thought I could keep it under control, but that didn't work well. I'm in a foul temper, everything is going wrong all the time. I'm knocking shit over constantly. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I can't handle crowds or noise and I work in a loud, crowded building. I can't focus. I just feel like I'm falling apart. My brain is unleashing a torrent of self loathing like I haven't experienced in a long time. + +I know this is hard on my family. My wife and kids are worried, and tired of dealing with my sorry ass. I just don't want to keep doing this. I was misdiagnosed until the age of 40 (6 yrs ago), so I've spent most of my life riding this damn roller coaster and I don't know if I can keep doing it. I do feel like it is time to just exit stage left. I'm miserable and I'm making others miserable. I feel an exhaustion so deep that I don't think it will ever end. + +I don't know if I really have the guts to go through with a suicide, but I do know that the idea is very inviting right now. I have a plan that I know will be successful. I'm scared of what that would do to my children and there is still a very tiny part of me that wonders if things can get better. I'll work on making until tomorrow.",Bipolar +49661,"Life insurance policy/with bipolar diagnosis Hey! Thanks for taking the time on my post. Does anyone here have life insurance? I recently started looking and everything I have found asks specifically if you have ever been diagnosed bipolar. I’m doing some internet research right now but if anyone knows anything please let me know. +Thanks",Bipolar +49851,"Best mood tracker app My mood is being wack depressed anxiety spurts of a bunch of energy anger blah blah blah it’s literally all of these all day. So what’s everyone’s favorite mood tracker? I use EMMO which I like a lot bc it’s cute af but since my mood is crazy I need something to track throughout the day. I kinda like the thought of a journal but I don’t have time to make it cute bc it needs to be cute and cohesive. + +I found a bunch of apps curated to ppl with bipolar but idk if that’s are cool or not. + +Suggestions please",Bipolar +45907,"Have manic episodes had an effect on how you view spirituality? I'm guessing you guys are well versed with the crazy-seeming coincidences, and all the music/media speaking directly to you. After it's over I always think I was insane - which I was, but in the moment, it feels very real. It's not just music either - there seems to be some kind of ""flow"" that becomes ""visible,"" if you know what I mean. It feels pretty supernatural. Anyone have similar thoughts?",Bipolar +45461,"Don't know who to believe.. I was diagnosed BP2 about 2 months ago after a very scary breakdown. I have always had highs and lows, but sometimes reading about Mania is just not what I've ever felt. Maybe its hypomania, but can't that just mean I'm energetic and feeling good? I know I struggle with depression, and have all my life. After I got my diagnosis, I got really up up up and dyed my hair pink- and went out drinking a lot. Is that mania? Or just me? I always have had suicidal thoughts, and my imagination is just really strong. Now the more I read about BP I am learning that some of what I thought was just normal, are my own delusions or hallucinations. Like, not everyone feels like this. Which also makes me question everything. + +Which makes me feel weird. I feel like I don't know who to believe. My psych definitely thinks I have bipolar. My S/O also thinks I have it. However some friends I have told say that I am fine. That I am in a toxic relationship that is making me question my sanity. Now I've got all this lithium cursing through my body that is probably also contributing to me questioning my diagnosis. + +Is this just another one of those times I am trying to get myself off meds so in 6 months I can just start all over again because I actually need them? ",Bipolar +45931,Life is hard... Quit my job today because I just can’t do it anymore. I filed for ss but I doubt I’ll get it. Thank god I have a supporting wife. I am an Uber driver too so I at least have some income coming in. Anyone else have issues keeping a job down? I go to school full time so it’s draining. ,Bipolar +49482,"So I got a Therapist… I haven’t had a full time therapist since I was 14, I am 35 about to be 36 in a month. I am scared, I was honest with her and told her my issues with therapy and meds as a child. I flat out told her about some of the suicidal ideation and that I am never going to go through with hit fir collateral emotional damage reasons to loved ones. I also told her that I don’t trust therapists and the reason I have avoided going is I am afraid someone would overreact to my dark thoughts. + +Anyway. Wish me luck. Next visit is second week of April.",Bipolar +46630,"Aripiprazole prescribed to my 16 year old brother. Hi, + +My little brother, 16y, has been diagnosed with Major depression and anxiety. He describes intense feelings of anger, anxiety, and goes through episodes of blacking out. The psych has just prescribed him Aripiprazole 5mg. My mom is very concerned and wants to consider other options, mainly due to his age. Do you guys have any suggestions? Thanks.",Bipolar +45703,"Does lithium on its own relieve depression? Or is what I'm feeling the calm before the storm? I'm pretty scared I've been taking 900mg of lithium er daily since I was in the psych ward for a month, April 2017. Pretty soon after I was discharged, I was prescribed lithium, but not er. I had diarrhea every day, it felt like my body was rejecting it. I was still sorely depressed. Then in September I got to start extended release lithium. + +I gradually felt better, I got a job, I felt more like myself. Then this last week, I feel like I went through a period of hypomania. Probably relatively mild hypomania. I couldn't sleep without taking Seroquel, my head felt on edge, it sucked. Nothing about it was enjoyable. + +Right now it seems to have stopped, I feel something akin to normal. But I'm scared. Is this the calm before the storm? Is the lithium helping me? Or am I going to spiral back down into hell?",Bipolar +46194,"Help connecting with a friend Kindly direct me elsewhere if this is not an appropriate space to ask questions. I have a buddy of five years that our friend group and I are struggling to connect with. They are bipolar2, so they have their ups and downs over time. All around we enjoy their company, they're a lot of fun to hang with, but this past year they've become kind of withdrawn and even aggressive. They'll stress that they haven't spent time with anyone in a while, but when we make plans they will either insist we have to do it some other time (without even giving when they are available!) or complain when they do spend time with us. + +I worry a lot about how much they've withdrawn, I think it's taking a negative affect on their health, however I've become frustrated with how they've been treating my friends and I. I want to be mindful in approaching this, and supportive. Wondering how to help them get out more, and perhaps also discuss how their communication has become off putting and discouraging. Any advice or insight is appreciated ",Bipolar +47049,"Do you have a feeling of waiting? I don't work, don't contact people for months and barely leave home. Sometimes there is a feeling that something GOOD and is about to happen in the near future and I get very excited and happy-nervous. + I know that nothing beyond ordinary is not going to happen yet it's hard to fall asleep and just do whatever I do during the day because that mysterious something is about to happen! But after some time I stop feeling that. + +Do you get this kind of thing?",Bipolar +50398,feeling better on lower dose of meds? so i’m moving from lamotrigine to lithium and in order to do so my dose has been cut in half for a week. i’m moving to lithium because lamotrigine has been making me more depressed but i’m three days in and since i’ve been taking a lower dose i don’t necessarily feel hypomanic (sometimes i don’t detect it right away but theres not really my usual warning signs) and i don’t know if maybe i’ve been taking too high of a dose or if it’s just like one of the cases where someone goes off their meds and thinks they’re doing better than ever but is actually manic and can’t see it 😅,Bipolar +50481,"Hypomania had me wrapped around its little finger So, I started Vraylar a few weeks ago to help with a depressive episode. A few days later I started having traumatic childhood flashbacks, ya know, the ones that make you physically ill. I also started buying a shit ton of scratch offs and spent WAYYYY too much money on them. I stopped taking the Vraylar because I just couldn’t do it anymore (I told my dr I wasn’t going to take it anymore) and it’s now hitting me how freaking careless with my money I’ve been for the last few weeks. I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. I’m disgusted with myself honestly. + +I told my husband about it and he’s being supportive and that makes me want to cry even more because I feel like I don’t deserve it. + +I don’t know how to get rid of these shitty feelings. I’m sick of having to take all this damn medication in order to function in society. I don’t have a bad life, I have an awesome career that I truly enjoy, I have a wonderful family, dogs that love me, friends, a beautiful home and I don’t necessarily hate myself and yet here I am, struggling with myself and this giant ass blanket of shame is slowly swallowing me whole.",Bipolar +45519,"Trouble breathing I have bipolar II and it's gotten a little worse in the last recent months than it has ever been before. I get this problem when I'm anxious that I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I take xanax for anxiety but when I feel like I can't breathe deeply or yawn that it's all I can concentrate on. +I've been to the ER for this before because I thought maybe I was having an asthma attack but my oxygen levels are always normal. It just feels like something is laying on my chest and I cannot for the life of me stop obsessing about it in my anxious periods, like right now. It scares me and consumes me, has anyone else had this problem? I'm 23 and perfectly healthy otherwise.",Bipolar +45462,"experience with doxepin? Currently getting of seroquel, first tried traxadone didnt work for sleep then now doxepin.. its makes me sleep but having nightmares. + +anyone here tried doxepin? any problems with sleep? weight gain? + +currently on lamotrigine 100mg and doxepin 10mg (i take two) + +thank you",Bipolar +46803,"Rocky Meds So to start my marriage has been very rocky and very nearly ended over the last year. My husband is struggling to make it through each day and a few times sinking into suicidal thoughts. He’s overworked (understaffing problems, he’s law enforcement), doesn’t sleep for shit, has chronic pain issues and has also struggled with depression his whole life. He is in a very very dark place and it just doesn’t want to end. I do my best to help but quite often it just never seemed to be enough. Just always coming up short. + +When we first met I was going through a really dark patch in life and he was my rock. And now when he needs one I just can’t pull it together. I sank into a very dark place too. My journal entries over the last year just got deeper and deeper into the darkness. I didn’t know what to do and my eternal demon of self harm became the main urge and thought in my head every single moment of every day. + +I called my psychiatrist and told him I just didn’t think I could do this anymore, told him I’m not gonna be able to pull myself out of this one. So he put me on a med to work in tandem with my mood stabilizer. + +I’ve been on it for a few weeks now and I already feel so much better. My mood, my ability to cope and do better in many aspects of my life, handle my husband’s dark times, doing things to improve the relationship itself and my anxiety is so much lower I find myself going days without having an attack. + +But I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop....... I’m keeping the hope this med truly will continue to work...... + +If you made it this far in the post, thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out of my head. +",Bipolar +47011,"Latuda Anger Has anyone experience severe bouts of explosive anger when starting Latuda? My spouse was on Latuda a few years back. It worked amazing like a miracle drug but our insurance wouldn't cover it after the office ran out of samples. We have different insurance now so its covered but it doesn't seem to be working like it did last time. Also, we are on week two of taking it every night. She doesn't sleep and gets super angry a few times a day.",Bipolar +45543,"Been Diagnosed for about three months now and had a few questions... Hi, I had a recent diagnosis of Bipolar/Manic Depressive disorder after an episode of psychosis in the summer time. + +I am just a little confused on my diagnosis. You see I've been super depressed for a really long time and aside from last year (I became manic and then had psychosis) I haven't really had any up/high feelings of mood aside from again the one last year. My Psychiatrist said he's 75% certain that I have bipolar so I'll take his word for it but I'm just a little confused. + +So I guess my questions are; + +- Is it common to have the majority of your mood with bipolar be depression? + +- Is it common to have long periods of depression with bipolar and short infrequent bouts of mania? + +- When is it common to start exhibiting signs that your bipolar when you haven't been diagnosed at a young age? + +Sorry if the questions are kind of stupid, I just want to start some conversations about my new found mental illness and learn some things. Thanks friends.",Bipolar +50564,"Gastroparesis & Bipolar Antone have gastroparesis an bipolar what medications are you able to take without them getting you sick? + +My psychiatrist wants me on lamotrigine an remon known as mirtazapine. + +He's only putting me on one antidepressant because of my lack of sleep at night . An that's my mania",Bipolar +49867,"I’m so anxious. All the god damn time. I can’t go to my uni classes, I can’t get a job, I can’t write an email, I can barely leave the house. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m scared of everything. + +I don’t even know what I’m scared of I just am. I’m just anxious. I was stable for like a year and now I’m plummeting I don’t know what to do. I was doing so well but now I’m just so anxious. I don’t want to have to quit my degree. + +I want to be good but it’s just hard. + +Thank you for listening to me",Bipolar +50530,"Wrong medicine So I shared in my first post here that my Dr put me on Latuda to help control my Bpd symptoms. I went 3 days with it, nothing major had the Hypersalivation that's listed and some good sleep (finally). + +Then my body seemed to betray itself, violently getting sick to the point of dehydration and muscle cramps that took surgical grade narcotics to calm my body down from. + +Turns out I am 1:150 that have a sensitivity to one of the ingredients in the medicine. I have now been switched to Vraylar, tonight is day 1. Hopefully it helps silence the million voices in my head and let's me sleep and keeps me from having any violent side effects. + +Sorry if I'm just rambling on, Ive noticed this is one of the safer places to talk about these things without judgement or being approached by the ""Internet Dr.s"".",Bipolar +50200,"Does anyone experience loss of appetite from Latuda? I started taking latuda about 7-8 months ago and everything’s been really great until now. It’s helped incredibly and I have had very very little side effects. I do want to say my anxiety has been higher recently too + +A couple months ago I started losing my appetite to where I’d only get hungry in the late afternoon or evening. About a week and a half ago it stopped all together and I’m struggling to eat. + +Now when I try to eat I feel so disgusted by food I’ll start gagging and have to spit out the food or else I’ll throw up. I’ve been living off ensure drinks and trying so hard to make myself eat in between + +I messaged my psychiatrist about everything that’s been going on and she said to see the doctor to rule out the flu. I went. Don’t have the flu. They did every blood test imaginable- everything came back great. I did a Covid test and that was negative. + +After telling my psych the updates she thinks it’s that I’m “not absorbing latuda effectively with my GI symptoms” I don’t think I fully understand what she means. She also suggested that I switch to Zyprexa / olanzapine instead of the latuda. + +I messaged my therapist today hoping for something else I guess and all she asked was if I started the zyprexa. + +Not eating is making me feel so weak and dizzy and I feel so sick all the time. I want to just eat normally again so bad. + +I’m just wondering if anyone else ever experienced anything like this with latuda?",Bipolar +50514,"Job hunting I've been to a couple of interviews and I think the interviewers just see into my soul. I want to have a job, but I can't find one. I'm too eccentric and probably I don't even care if I work or not. I feel like they see it whenever we make eye contact. They see that I would be a bad employee. + +I don't care about anything at all at this point.",Bipolar +46314,"I don't have Bipolar! I have a neurological disorder called, ""Kaksisuuntainen mielialahäiriö"". It's usually treated with the same meds they use for epilepsy. The perfect way to not freak people out if you have to tell them you are bipolar. ""Kaksisuuntainen mielialahäiriö"", means Bipolar in Finnish. No one I know understands Finnish and no one gives a shit enough to actually look it up. So everything in the title is technically true but it doesn't immediately invoke fear and prejudice. So to all my friends who also have, ""Kaksisuuntainen mielialahäiriö"", I hope you are all doing well. + +? + +Pro Tip: Google translate is your friend, it will say the word for you so you can learn how to pronounce it.",Bipolar +50443,"Dealing with this condition. Hello everyone! This is my first time posting in this group. I was diagnosed with bp2 after struggling for years with depression and supposedly mania also. But I was also diagnosed with adhd a little over a month ago. Both felt like I was diagnosed relatively quickly. Idk if that’s a good or bad thing. My depression has always been bad especially in my teens but my best friend died of suicide when I was 18 and it got worse from there. Im currently 21 and have no will or desire to pretty much live( not suicidal I think) life just seems pointless when im always depressed, I have zero motivation to do anything. Im in therapy but it feels like it’s not helping. I was recently put on vyvanse to help with my supposed adhd diagnosis. It’s helped with my motivation a little but hasnt really done much. And every anti depressant/psychotic has either made me worse or done the bare minimum which is keeping me alive. Ive been on 5+ different medications since my bp2 diagnosis 2 years ago. Ive had maybe 2 or 3 hypo manic phases since my diagnosis but their never anything more than a day or 2 of euphoria and more motivation and a splash of poor impulsive decision making. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than how the fuck do you guys deal with this? My lifes been at a complete stand still since I was around 16-17. I have no diploma, no job and not a single desire to pretty much be a human at this point. Sorry for the long post I just figured I’d give an insight to what life is for me. Any help/advice is much appreciated since I feel so alone and like no one understands.",Bipolar +49474,,Bipolar +49735,"How to explain what BD is like? Hi friends! Sorry if this is the wrong place to post. + +I (20F) was diagnosed with BD2 back around October, so still fairly recent. I am super lucky to have a family that encourages me to keep going to therapy and stay on medication, however I’m finding they don’t really *understand* what I’m going through. + +While I’m aware there’s no real way for them to conceptualize what is actually happening to me during hypo episodes more specifically (was misdiagnosed w depression at 17, depression I feel is a little easier understood) I’d like to be able to have them be aware of what an episode is like. I can’t exactly put it all into words when trying to explain it to them myself, and I often feel like doing that ends up scaring/worrying them more. So I’m looking for a resource that can detail what hypomania is really like, whether that be a day-to-day kind of thing, or just an extensive list of symptoms. + +Most recently I spent several days awake, and have had obvious weight loss, which led my dad to ask my older brother if he thought I had been getting into meth/coke, as my dad was previously addicted to meth and experienced similar symptoms. + +Thanks to all who took the time to read this!",Bipolar +49905,"I was recently diagnosed with bipolar, is this a symptom you experience? It’s almost like when I’m extremely paranoid, or going through a hypomanic episode and being reckless, impulsive, agitated, sometimes it feels like a part of me is aware. Kinda like I’m behind a glass wall, Like a small part of me is saying: + +“no don’t post something like that.” “Don’t say something like that” +“This paranoia is not based in reality, you’re not in immediate danger.” +“You shouldn’t do this.” + +It makes me feel like I’m faking my bipolar, or maybe I have something else?? Someone please tell me if you feel similarly to this, or if maybe I don’t actually have bipolar and I’m just a paranoid, irritated, reckless person sometimes. + +I definitely have hypersexual episodes too, and times where I don’t need to sleep much, but I think that could just be high libido and insomnia?",Bipolar +50244,"Impulse control Hey everybody, + +I am currently struggling with impulse control about my weed and alcohol abuse. I'm on medication currently. I want to know which medicines help you in impulse control. I'm prescribed Escitalopram 10mg in day and Valproate CR 750mg at night. Tho I'm right now using way less VS when I was not on medication.",Bipolar +46245,"Mixed depressive episodes- gotta love ‘em! This one started yesterday while I was at work. + +Today I’m anxious, depressed, labile, all of it. My head is all over the place- can’t leave my flat, barely keeping my head above water. + +Anyone else feel me?! ",Bipolar +46066,"Reflecting on bipolar and relationships Hi everyone. + +I recently started dating someone who was diagnosed BP I and is medicated. I'm new to this sub, so instead of asking something that has already been asked, I searched through some of the older posts about BP and romantic relationships. Some of them are uplifting, and others are absolutely heartbreaking. What I read has given me a somewhat clearer perspective, but it could always be better. + +I have been around bipolar most of my existence--one of my very best friends has been in my life for 25 years and is BP II. I recognize the difference between the two, that BP affects different people differently, and that all relationships have some common facets regardless of their nature. + +But I am curious. Is there anything you wish you would have known going into a friendship or romantic relationship? Anything you wish your friend or partner would have known? I'm lookong for perspectives from either side of the coin. I want to understand more thoroughly so I can be a better partner and friend. + +Thanks for reading. :)",Bipolar +45454,"A Revolution in the Treatment of Depression ? — A BBC article looking at the link between depression and inflammation. You can read the article here: + +* http://www.bbc.com/news/health-37166293 + +From the article: + +>Inflammation is part of the immune system's response to danger. It is a hugely complicated process to prepare our body to fight off hostile forces. +If inflammation is too low then an infection can get out of hand. If it is too high, it causes damage. +> +>And for some reason, about one-third of depressed patients have consistently high levels of inflammation. Hayley is one of them: ""I do have raised inflammation markers, I think normal is under 0.7 and mine is 40, it's coming up regularly in blood tests."" +> +>There is now a patchwork quilt of evidence suggesting inflammation is more than something you simply find in some depressed patients, but is actually the cause of their disease. That the immune system can alter the workings of the brain. + +Hopefully this might offer another treatment approach for those of us who mostly suffer from depression. + +There is also a 30 minute BBC podcast on the subject [here](http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07pj2pw)",Bipolar +50512,"The most frustrating appointment So, last year after an attempt I was diagnosed in hospital with bipolar disorder. I have been prescribed all the meds and have had continuous appointments with my GP to try and get everything settled and find a good prescription that fits what I need. + +2 months ago after having a month long manic episode, I went back to my GP in the hopes that we can really dial down into what I need. Skip forward to today and I have a phone appointment with a psych from my area (we only have like 7 in my province). After asking me approximately 10 questions he determined that I don’t have bipolar at all, but major depressive disorder and PTSD…. + +Would you go for a 3rd opinion at this point? I have had clear textbook manic episodes all throughout my life and this psych didn’t think I met the requirements to be diagnosed with bipolar, so he doesn’t believe I should be treated as such and has prescribed 200mg of Zoloft. This concerns me as I know antidepressants can lead to manic episodes. I would love your advice. ❤️",Bipolar +45658,"Lamictal / Pristiq / Wellbutrin - Bad Combination? Hey all - + +First, I am a male in my early 20s. + +I have been struggling to find the right mix of medication for me. I am not formally diagnosed with BP - my doctor classified it as depression at the beginning. + +My experiences with medications began about five years ago. I originally started with small doses of Pristiq (Desvenlafaxine) and Wellbutrin (Bupropion HCL XL). 50mg of Pristiq and 150mg of Bupropion. Still didn't feel 'right' so the doses got upped over the course of a year or two. I eventually was taking 450mg of Bupropion and 200mg of Pristiq. + +A year or so later, my doctor added Lamictal (Lamotrigene). Began at 50mg, went to 100mg, and eventually 200mg. At this same time, my doctor decreased my dosage of Pristiq. I was taking: 100mg Pristiq / 450 mg Bupropion / 200mg Lamictal. Lamictal seemingly helped the most out of all the drugs. I was not feeling extremely low ever (i.e. hurt myself). + +Looking back it seems like a whole lot of medications...did I really need all that? I began to feel suppressed. While I didn't experience extreme lows, their was not any highs either. It was just flatlined. My sex drive was also non-existent. I am in my early 20s + +After speaking with my Dr., we decided to lower some of my doses. He briefly told me what lowering the doses of each of my medications would do, and he gave me the liberty of experimenting a bit. I slowly trickled down to what I am currently on: 25mg of Pristiq / 150mg Bupropion / 200mg Lamictal. I do not feel as emotionally suppressed as I once was, nor do I feel extreme lows. Everything seems to be okay, aside from a few things. I know that life isn't perfect, and being 'happy' all the time isn't normal, but I do feel like I am missing some happiness in my life. Another major issue is my sex drive. It is still completely ruined and it is beginning to affect my life and overall well-being. + +I guess my questions are: + +* Was taking all three of those medicines at high doses a bad thing? (In other words, is my doctor not giving good advice?) Should I seek out a 'second opinion'? + +* Are there any ways to combat the sexual side effects that you have successfully utilized? + +* Should I consider talking with a doctor (my current Dr. or a new one) about changing things up, if so, do you have any personal experience that would lead you to suggest a specific change here? + + +Thank you for all of the help! If I am missing something in my post, or you need clarification, please let me know.",Bipolar +45850,"Diagnosis fear My family and boyfriend have been saying for years they think I have bipolar. I have written down all of the things I have felt recently and it’s overwhelmingly scary. I don’t want a diagnosis, I don’t want to admit my mind works differently. I don’t want to admit I think about death daily. When I’m feeling high, it’s amazing, nothing can stop me and I feel I will succeed in everything. But just like that I can become extremely aggressive, overly sad (sobbing for hours) and recently it’s becoming difficult to cope with. On so many occasions I can feel myself slipping away and this angry monster coming in to replace the high, it destroys what’s around me and I have no control over it. I don’t know what to do or where to vent so here I am. ",Bipolar +45990,"Starting to doubt I have bipolar? I'm a 26 year old woman. I was going through a really rough patch, considering suicide, etc. So I booked an appointment with a doctor. The doctor referred me to another doctor who discussed the possibility of having bipolar. At the time it made sense, I could see how I fit many of the symptoms. +In order to get a proper diagnosis, I need to first speak w a psychiatrist. I have an appointment this Thursday. + +I'm now starting to seriously doubt that I have bipolar. I'm no longer feeling so down, i actually feel fine. I'm starting to question whether I have bipolar or if I'm just being a little dramatic? Doesn't everyone do wild stuff now and again? My friends all have crazy stories of wild shit they've done. All similar to mine. And normal people feel down sometimes too. Right?? + +I'm dreading going to this appointment on Thursday because I'm embarrassed to explain that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just dramatic and a bit of a cry baby. What should I do? Should I cancel or go and just apologise for wasting this doctors time?? Or could this all be in my head??? Help lol ",Bipolar +49639,,Bipolar +46376,"Looking for tips for my husband My husband was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II. He hasn’t been able to be in our home because he is actively in his illness and it’s just not good for our child to be around. But because of this added stress of not being home he’s been in a really bad place mentally, like worse than ever. I’ve been trying to help but there’s not really much I can do beyond just encouraging him to learn more about Bipolar disorder, talking to him, listening, etc. I don’t really know much myself, and I’m worried about him. Can any of you guys tell me what knowledge or practice has helped you most? Maybe groups to connect with other people who experience this? + +Sorry if this is redundant to other questions asked, and TIA. ",Bipolar +49507,"How to get motivated to workout when depressed? Basically what it says in the title. + +In theory, I know exercise helps with symptoms, and I like going to the gym when I'm not in the depths of depression. However, when I'm depressed, it's nearly impossible for me to motivate myself to go even semi-consistently. I get stuck doing nothing. I have trouble getting myself to put my gym clothes on, let alone actually walking there and completing a workout. + +Also, I don't experience much, if any, of the usual pleasure I get after I work out (normally I'd feel better afterwards) when I'm depressed, so it's pretty hard to convince myself to do it because ""I'll feel better later"". + +I've tried going for longer walks and other stuff, but if I'm honest dragging myself around my city in the rain alone with my dark thoughts doesn't help much. I go out most days with my dog, but when it gets bad I can't even begin to face it. + +I know I sound like I'm being lazy and dramatic, but I'm serious. I really can't stand the idea of getting up, putting on my clothes, putting on my shoes, getting my dog ready, finding my keys, finding my phone, putting on my coat, locking up, going down the stairs in my apartment building, walking for 40 minutes, climbing the stairs again, then unlocking my door and going in. I get stuck between steps and find myself outside alone in the cold too sad to walk home, or staring at the stairs (pun) in my building unable to drag myself up them. + +I get psychomotor slowing when I'm really bad. It's physically difficult to walk. It feels like my body is made of lead. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to complete an activity that would normally take me half that time. + +For people who've been able to push through this and get themselves to exercise, how?",Bipolar +45603,"How to thwart midnight random racing thoughts? I like to think up fun stories or scenarios to avoid those worrying, terrible, racing thoughts I’ll get the rest of my night. My favorites are astronaut puppies adventures, living in the HP universe, pray, what kind of powers I’d have, and which book I’d live in. + +What are y’alls favorite strategies?",Bipolar +47055,"Physically feel like shit all the time DAE feel sick all the time? Idk if its bipolar related or not, no doctor seems to really want to consider anything else causing me to feel like this. Basically majority of the time I feel like I'm coming down with the flu, I'm nauseous, tired, my bones hurt and feel dizzy. I am just so sick of this, when its paired with a bad/worsening depression living life feels impossible. Today is one of those days, I just want/need to lay in bed and sleep but I have responsibilities. I am just so sick of this, I'm exhausted.",Bipolar +50587,,Bipolar +45596,"Anyone with bipolar disorder have family members that are Undiagnosed and in denial about being bipolar? I have Bipolar disorde type 2 with basically every anxiety disorder. My dad's side of the family basically all have anxiety disorders but have not acknowledged they may have a problem and need to be formally diagnosed as far as I know. My father for sure has a problem as he has been in the hospital many times throughout my life with Atrial Fribulation thats resulted when he's under a lot of stress. +My mother is the one I'm not sure may have Bipolar disorder or some kind of disorder. Her mood is up and down, where one day she'll be absolutely vicious and will find a way to be verbally vicious to anyone around her. Of course to her family she will be meaner, but to friends she'll just make snarky remarks. And then maybe the next day she will be so sweet and just the best mother I could ever ask for. Her and I will get into pretty bad fights where we have even been violent and I'm not proud of it but she gets so mad over a mistake I've made and then I can't take it anymore and we will get into a fight of course it's 99 percent of the time just verbal abuse. I'm in my 20s and it's embarrassing that this is still happening but I've noticed a patters, her and my grandma are the same way. What do you guys may think this is? Any help",Bipolar +45741,"i kind of want to go off my meds i want a reset. i want to be my true self and not have these pills change my brain. i miss the fun parts of mania, and i truly miss not knowing what's going on half the time. + +before meds i was either too manic to feel any worry or realize what's happening, or i was too depressed to plan on living much longer. either way, responsibility was never on my mind. neither was my job, or money, or food, or anything real adults have to deal with. i was completely unaware of how life really is and i want that back! + +i'm feeling super restless right now and it's coming out of nowhere. i don't know if i've ever wanted to go off my meds before? i honestly can't remember. i don't know why i'm feeling this way, because i know without my meds i'm a literal mess and i'm reckless and destructive and irresponsible and overall a huge danger to myself in many ways. but i'm so tired of reality right now, i just want it to end. if i can't go into an alternate world maybe letting my mind become an alternate world again is the next best thing? does anyone else ever get tired of living in reality? + +i've been on meds for 7 years and i'm still not used to the stress of responsibilities and real life on medication. ",Bipolar +49500,"Spring time and mood changes Diagnosed bipolar 1. +I never realized how the seasons really effect my mood . But spring time always seems to bring a change in me . These past two weeks have been rough especially with the time change. But for the first time I’ve realized myself becoming manic. Luckily it didn’t get to that point . But it could of . Anyone else going through it during the change of seasons ? +And what do you do to cope ?",Bipolar +49609,"decreased need for sleep, difficulty taking meds:( i’m not sure where the best place to ask this is. i’m too afraid of bringing it up to my providers so i’m hoping i can seek support here before i mention anything. +i’m diagnosed bipolar type 1, i’ve only had one manic episode that led to psychosis. mostly, i struggle with rapid cycles of mixed mania, hypomania and depression when unmedicated. +the last maybe month or so(?) i guess i’ve had a decreased need for sleep. so much that my psychiatrist noticed it before i did and prescribed medicine for sleep. i’m taking my mood stabilizers regularly but for some reason i just cannot make myself take sleeping medication and these past two weeks i’ve noticed have been pretty worrisome while reflecting on it(change in sex drive and drugs, unlike myself and putting myself in dangerous situations) i’m just really afraid of bringing it up to anybody for fear of judgement. i know how silly it is to have the solution to my problem right in front of me, and i don’t want to make it seem like i don’t care about my mental health. +i am experiencing all symptoms of (hypo?)mania and some mixed features of depression. it was really nice for a few days of this week but just like my first manic episode, the only way i can describe it is like, you’re going so high up on a roller coaster that when you feel it slipping down, it’s scary and drastic and you do everything you can to keep going up just so it doesn’t crash. i feel like im in the beginning stages of that and i really don’t want to do this. the euphoria and attractiveness of mania is incredible, but the constant racing thoughts and heart rate, the irritability and anxiety are uncomfortable and i know im prone to psychosis. +it seems like the easiest solution would be to actually take my prescribed medication, but it is really hard for me. i feel like there’s so much more time i have to get stuff done later in the night and i see it as a waste to go to bed so early especially when i don’t need to. i’m aware of how ridiculous it all sounds but i don’t know what to do to make myself take the medication. i know i have to but i genuinely just do not want to, but unfortunately i know this is probably contributing to mania. +any advice or support would be helpful. thank you all who read",Bipolar +46478,"How do you stay focused at work while depressed? I don't have much experience with depression, but I believe I'm in an episode right now. Not severe, but my motivation to do anything is relatively low. + +For the past two weeks, I've just been coming to work to surf the net. Maybe put in 30min of work per day. I'm not getting into trouble because my project deadlines are over a month away, but I'd still like to correct my behavior and I'm hoping some of y'all might have some tips/tricks to staying productive while depressed.",Bipolar +46503,"Trying to get back into the gym Hi guys. +Recently diagnosed bipolar II here. I thought I had been struggling with MDD for the past few years and got my new diagnosis. My antidepressants made me gain weight like crazy and I’m feeling pretty bad about it. Switched to Lamictal and that’s going alright so far. My question is: those of you that struggle with BP, especially II, how do you motivate yourself to get to the gym, get a routine, and stick to it? I think it would help me improve my quality of life drastically but it never sticks when I go to the gym. ",Bipolar +46095,"I feel manic but not in a good way.. I don’t feel like doing anything creative. +I don’t feel like listening to music. +I don’t feel like exercising (though I went for a run to try) +I don’t feel like being around people. +I don’t feel like drinking. + +I just feel like a bag of nervous shaking and it is *awful* + +On the upside, I don’t feel particularly sad or depressed! + +How do you guys deal with this? ",Bipolar +46809,"Going off Seroquel - coping suggestions? I'm getting off of Seroquel. I love the sleep, but I've gained 30 lbs in 6 months because I'm always hungry and always eating. + +&#x200B; + +Those of you who have stopped taking it, what worked for you to sleep again? I plan to use melatonin and magnesium, but I am open to suggestions. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46930,"Diagnosed . . . Now what? I spent almost a decade avoiding seeking help because I was convinced I could manage myself and things weren't serious. I thought I was suffering from depression alone. Recently It got so bad I finally made the call and was eventually diagnosed as bipolar 1. Now that I've been officially diagnosed I've been so out of my body. Trying to look past the stigma and facing the signs that have always been there is so surreal. Makes me think how long I've been suffering from this and how alot of things are explained. + +I'm in therapy now and I've gotten some answers but now what? I feel like therapy is so wasteful. I go, talk for 50 mins and I'm back to my brain spinning until we meet next time. Nothing is better just more confusing. I did not want to be on medication if therapy would help but at this point I dont feel like a chat is enough to help me cope. I'm afraid to lose alot of myself in it all. The transition from unmedicated to medicated has me hung up. What has it been like for other people making this transition? I dont know how I'm meant to tackle this.",Bipolar +46028,Cannot stop thinking Does anyone else have trouble with overthinking and if so have you found anything that works for you? ,Bipolar +46724,"Vivid dream of psychotic break I've never had a dream like last night's before and I sincerely expected I would be on my way to the hospital when I woke up. In the dream, I was hallucinating and detaching so vividly it seemed like a real episode and not a dream. I mean, I know dreams have natural tendencies to be weird and surreal, so to say ""I dreamt of hallucinating"" doesn't do justice to how it felt. The confusion and anxiety were so palpable, and as I kept waking up and falling back asleep I felt the hallucinations weren't always limited to the sleep. However, today I'm fine. + +It's got me kind of shaken because I've been really stable lately. Has anyone else had this kind of experience?",Bipolar +46228,"The mood tracker Dalio is getting a lot of love over at r/dataisbeautiful. Link to post included in the comments below. The mood tracker Dalio is getting a lot of love over at r/dataisbeautiful. I've linked to [one of the positive reviews] but the entire thread is worth skimming. The data presented is also interesting. + +As an aside I agree with Liz Millar (a doctor who suffered from bipolar disorder and wrote a book on mood tracking) that an additional axis giving energy levels would be useful. + +Feel free to comment. What is your favorite mood tracker? What features do you look for and how could they be improved? + +",Bipolar +50002,"Fate Life and its pathology, + +Arduous, it seized the muscles, + +The Hanged Man of the pack, + +Blood splashed when darted to the plan, + +Fate hinders on stars and caliber of what pulls. + +Testaments being circumstances and ignorance, + +To stir the the current of the steam, + +I not ask for maladaptive arrangements, + +Came like a blitzkrieg with no trench to brace, + +I recognize a before and after onset of attack, + +Very young, + +18 and first manic, + +Not taught how to handle such things, + +Never expect a hospital stay, + +Not on the list or plan, + +But here it is, + +A plan.",Bipolar +45661,"Industrial Design for Bipolar stability I’m a student studying industrial design and currently working on a research project/designing a product that will help people with mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. I came here to get some more insight! +I was inspired by a severe manic episode my dad just experienced in December, and also by my own diagnosis of Bipolar 2. Essentially, I want to create a product that will maintain routine, promote stability, and possibly warn the user and their support group when intervention might be necessary. +I’ve been looking at wearable technology like Fitbit and smart watches, and also at mental wellness apps that track mood, sleep, etc. I’m moving towards creating a series of products, one wearable, one stationary light/clock/pill dispenser, and also an app. + +So, I have some questions! +Do you use any apps/technology to maintain routine or track your wellbeing? (Sleep, medication reminders, mood logs) Do you use it regularly? Why or why not? +What is your daily routine around taking your medication? +While manic or depressed, how would you react to technology advising you to reach out to family, your therapist, or you psychiatrist? How would you feel if it alerted them directly? +What is the most friendly way you could be reminded to take medication, maintain a sleep schedule, or reach out for help without feeling chastised? + +Any other comments and ideas would be much appreciated! Thank you! +",Bipolar +50179,"Lost close friends because of my stupid decisions …testing people? Please someone relate to this. I told my friends that I do not like them, for some reason I was expecting them to say “why” , but they all replied with “I don’t like u too” etc. +Then one of them said “stop testing people it’s immature” +I somehow get what she means but why do I do this. I have the urge to cut everyone off, expecting them to come back to me but now I feel like sht",Bipolar +49836,"I hate being a freshman All my life I’ve had anxiety & ADHD. I had parents who said “rub some dirt in it” to everything, so I wasn’t diagnosed until college. Started taking adhd meds. I was in therapy for a while, feeling good, but after a few years couldn’t afford it anymore. 5-6 months ago I was put on Setraline by my PCP and started therapy with BetterHelp (that therapy app). A month ago my therapist says she thinks I have BPD or bipolar depression or PTSD, maybe more than one. And I stop taking the setraline. Two weeks ago my therapist said she believes I have bipolar depression and need to seek additional support. +Anybody have any advice on any of it? Like where the heck do I start? +Yes I know this is social media and I’m not going to take any one persons experience or advice and run with it, but I get overwhelmed with medical jargon and I’d love to get an idea of what I may be up against & what I may want to be cautious of.",Bipolar +46821,"I feel no amount of therapy or meds. could ever help my obsessive worrying. So lost guys. Kinda exactly the title but I am struggling so bad. I have not been doing well lately and I feel lost. One day I want to die, then I am on top of the world, then overwhelmed by everything. I miss my cat that passed away so much that I can not get past it. He died in September and everyday a wave comes over me and I miss him so much. I feel like people can't understand that and think it's just over emotional. + +&#x200B; + +I have always had excessive worrying since a small child. The OCD type of if I don't worry about this enough, do this, ask this, something horrible will happen. Some of my worries are valid, but the people in my life assure me it will be manageable if they even happen. I don't see it that way for me it's my fault if I don't worry enough or fix it. I feel responsible for everything in everyone's life. I don't want anything bad to happen to the ones I love, I can not handle that. I want to go away from life to escape this, but I know that I will make things even worse by doing so. + +&#x200B; + +On tons of meds, no therapy, IOP, positive affirmations, or meditation can help this. This has been my burden my whole life and I am panicking and hysterical. I want it to be okay and I am so scared. I want to help and I want to fix everything for everyone but I don't know how, I feel so responsible and I want to do the right things, the right actions in my mind, press the right buttons in life, make the perfect choices. I spend my entire existence worrying. ",Bipolar +46203,"Addictions and how the heck to quit A little background about myself. My name is Michael. I am 28 years old and live in the USA. I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 8 months but lord knows ive been bipolar all my life. I have 2 addictions, they are video games and weed. They basically run my life. I have friends who do them but they aren't addicted, they're functioning adults even though they smoke and/or play video games. Some thoughts on this; What is the cycle of addiction and bipolar? Maybe it is that at some point in the cycle, you need help mentally, like anything to feel good because you're in the depressive part of the cycle, or maybe you're in the manic part and HAVE to do something ""cool"" and ""fun"" so either way you go to your addiction, your life force, what keeps you here. Then because of this and through this, you're addicted to something. + +&#x200B; + +But like, so what? I'm just speaking out loud here, but I love my addictions. I don't want to quit them. I play league of legends, and smoke weed. I love doing it. Am I really happy while doing those two things? Deep down, I know the answer is ""not really"", BUT AT LEAST I am not drowning in despair. My addictions keep me from going over the deep end, they are what make life ""okay"". Isn't it acceptable to use these things for my own benefit? + +&#x200B; + +However this brings me to my next thought. Do I over-use them? I play league for like, 7 hours a day on average. I smoke CONSTANTLY. I'm high right now as I type this. At work. Was late because I woke and toked, played League for 2 hours, THEN came to work. My boss isn't happy with me. My addictions are a hindrance to my life, as you can see. + +&#x200B; + +Are video games and weed ruining my life? Probably. Will I regret it someday? I already do, and will probably continue to further regret they're use as I get older. But they're also saving me. + +&#x200B; + +Therefore I, like any other addict out there, don't know what to do. + +&#x200B; + +If I decide to quit. + +1. Will life be bleak and dull or will it refill itself with other things? + +2. Will I just find a new addiction? I heard it's impossible to ""quit"" addictions, one has to REPLACE addictions. + +3. When I am drowning in bipolar, which is often, what do I use as a crutch instead of my addictions. I use video and games to ESCAPE! I escape from reality all the time because it is so vicious for me because I am bipolar. I see the world as hell, everything is horrible because I am depressed. When I am in this place, and I need to run away and can't use my addictions anymore, what do I do? That is the time when I would relapse, not knowing what to do but needing something to help me escape my problems. + +&#x200B; + +4. What about quitting addictions would improve my life? + +I look at this as a cost/benefit ratio question. Simply put; is the cost of quitting my addictions worth all the work it will be? I will be missing out 100% on the things that I ""love"", being League of Legends and marijuana, and I will have to put in a lot of work finding new things to spend my life doing. And I probably wont find them as much fun as my addictions! Fuck that man, why the hell should I quit? What makes it worth it? I can't find an answer man. ",Bipolar +46516,"On Abilify, not sure if it's causing anhedonia or my dose is too low. Basically, this is just a venting post. + + +I'm so bored, all the time. I don't care to do anything, not even take a shower, and I'm on 5mg of abilify and I have no idea if my dose is too low, or if I'm experiencing a side effect. I plan on calling my psych tomorrow to see what they think. + +The thing that confuses me is that I've got a bazillion ideas but when I try to put them into action, there is just no action. I can post all day long on social media because I'm talking about myself, but trying to write anything, zilch. It's like, I have an idea, but I can't get the idea out, and it's gone beyond writers block. + +It's like I can't think or something, and I have no depression (good) but I also don't feel happiness (bad). So I'm just super flat emotionally. + +I never used to be this way until about a year ago where I experienced a major depressive episode and ended up in the psych ward (best decision ever made, btw, learned a lot). I just am so irritated that I'm so bored despite having a bunch of ideas flowing through my head. + +&#x200B; + +I have ADD/ADHD, but I can't take meds for it, so I have racing thoughts and ideas constantly. It's just frustrating. + +The only thing that helps is .... well, social media because it's a major time waster and I feel like I have nothing to do with my time and the hobbies I have I have no desire to do them. + + +So, that's about it. Thanks for reading. ",Bipolar +49475,I'm so tired of being bipolar for the medication factor alone. I try to refill and stay on my medication but there's always an issue between cvs and my drs.office regarding some of my medications. The Dr office will say I have a refill in and then I'll go to CVS and they will say it's awaiting prescriber response and it can only be refilled with the drs approval. (it's Depakote) then I call back the Dr and they say no it's in there but they will call and NOTHING ever gets done. This has resulted in me multiple times being out of my medication when I need it overnight and now I'm up at 4 am. Listen I have to work tomorrow! I have a life. I can't just be up at 4 am feeling all weird and not being able to sleep. Should I change Drs or what??? Pissed off,Bipolar +49593,"A more recent one I did Although I don't exactly remember drawing it ha, I think I'm gonna try to get back on meds",Bipolar +46600,"Make sure to bring your pills with you if you are going to be away from home for a while... As title says, I forgot to take my pills with me and was due at 4pm for my second Geodon. I took it at 9. It is now almost midnight and I am flying high and feeling great. No sleep for me!",Bipolar +49814,"Does anyone feel worse when they’re on their period? Does anyone get so unbelievably out of control on their period? I can usually tell when I’m about to get mine because I start to feel suicidal and I feel like I’m extremely manic on my period. Like once it’s over I feel completely serene, but the hormones just kick everything into over drive and I feel so horrible.",Bipolar +46428,"I don't know how to explain this. Maybe I just need to rant. I've been sober for a year and 3 months. I take my meds everyday without fail. I eat pretty good and try to get outside as much as I can even though I'm a shut in, agoraphobic. I go to therapy. My problems are dealt with, my stressors are at a minimum. + +Why the fuck am I depressed? Why the fuck can't I sleep? Seriously, it's almost 8am and now my schedule is completely out the window. I'm not even hypomanic, I don't have any energy. I've been laying here watching YouTube, eating left over pizza, just kind of doing nothing. I'm so pissed. + +The worst part is, there's a cycle! An actual, honest to god cycle. Not just a bipolar cycle where triggers set things off. No no no. This is a biological cycle. You see, I have PCOS. And every time I've gotten my period since I was 9 years old, it's made me depressed, moody, bitchy, argumentative, etc. A lot of the time, I start to think this is all from my hormones and I don't even have bipolar. I'd be even more convinced if my lithium didn't work great within 2 days of my first time taking it, and it didn't run rampant in my family. Alas, I have the family curse. + +But seriously, having PCOS is a fucking curse, too. I use the app Clue to track my cycle and I just checked it tonight to see where I'm at and realized why I was being such a cunt to my fiance all weekend and never wanted to leave the apartment. Why I keep falling asleep later and later in the morning everyday and can't get out of bed until the late afternoon. I'm fucking 25 years old! This is so stupid. I haven't been able to have a job in years because of this and I've never gotten any kind of relief from any doctor. + +Those fake sun lamps don't help. Melatonin doesn't do shit. Sleeping pills make me hallucinate. I've been checked for any type of vitamin deficiencies. I try to fix my schedule at least once a month, where I won't sleep for like 30 hours. It's ridiculous, it's the same shit all year every year. + +I'm so sorry if this isn't really a bipolar post, I think it is because I feel like my cycle effects my bipolar so much that this happens every month. But I could be wrong, maybe it's just all the hormones and my bipolar is completely fine. + +I wish I had an answer. I wish I could find a solution.",Bipolar +50234,I think I’m heading into depressive psychosis So I’m in a depressive episode today. It’s bad. I have nowhere to be so this was a good time for it. However I’m trying to reach out to people to work through it and no one is responding. My delusion rn is that they all aren’t responding on purpose and they want me to die. I don’t know what to do. It’s just me and my dog rn and I can’t find my headphones so I can’t take him on a walk without worrying about things getting worse because I’m alone with my thoughts.,Bipolar +50174,"The ""mask"" When depressed, does anyone else find themselves able, when necessary, to put on that ""mask"" that allows you to do life stuff? Left to my own devices I'm a ball of torment in bed. But when I HAVE to get up, I find myself inexplicably, convincingly interacting with people... It's like someone else takes over. As soon as I'm alone again, BAM, the darkness is back. I desire only to be back to being a bed-bound ball of torment once more.",Bipolar +45445,"Bipolar help I was on abilify for months, stopped it because I was about to cancel my costly insurance and abilify wasn't really doing anything-felt the same- and the ex cost about $600 a month out of pocket. Now I'm in bed for days, haven't showered for weeks this time longer than usual and by the way does anyone have a problem with not showering? What is up with that? The family is in my face about not getting out of bed my dad says he is more depressed than me but gets out of bed. And last night I relapsed and took some of my sisters narc for her wisdom teeth extraction . The mom found out, told the Dad and they are so pissed that their middle age daughter that is here with them because of a longer sad story is pulling this pathetic shit and that i owe them to get better already. I'm just starting a new job and need to snap out of my manic stage? Any advice???",Bipolar +45699,"Illusion of suppression Does anyone else seem to partially suppress their baseline mood? +I for example can go through the working week just about appearing 'normal' (with great difficulty) and have something as small as music set me off into the manic/depressive side, just to have it set off and start dictating things? ",Bipolar +46909,"Bipolar/In a relationship/Struggling Hi, I'm an almost 22 year old female who has been diagnosed by 4 different psychiatrists with Bipolar type 1. I have also been in impatient once and am currently treated for my mental illness through therapy and medication (lithium and streamline). + +After feeling good and manageable for a decent amount of time, I entered into a relationship and have been with him now for 6 months. It's hard. + +I don't know how to explain this... But my reality and perception is constantly compromised by my mental state. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming... And when I snap out of it or come back from it... It feels like it never happened, but still leaving those I love confused and hurt. + +I get scared of myself and sometimes don't recognize myself and just seeing a glimpse of myself in the mirror is scary. I feel like a whole other person. + +My anxiety that the ups and downs brings leads me to want to make impulsive decisions such as cutting out those I love, including my boyfriend. Feeling cozy and settled with him or anyone scares me and even happy moments send me fear that makes me want to run. But I don't really want to leave. I just don't what to do? + +I feel torn between wanting to take care of it myself or want a lot of love and comfort. Just another human in the room reassuring me that everything is under control makes me feel grounded and overrides my emotional illusions. + +One misconceptions leaves me simmering in sorrow for days and days and even up to a month. One sentence feels like it could make or break me. And one reactions feels like it can end my life if it comes from someone close to me... Ecspecially if it involves a negative, failing perception I have about myself. + +I feel like I can't do it. Between the sorrow, constant confusion, frustration, and pure exhaustation my brain imposes on me... I want to die a lot. And think about it regularly then feel guilty and resentful about how it would hurt those I care about. I wish I got murdered quite frankly. I can't control that, but it would be nice. That's just bluntly how I feel and what I want since no one here knows my real identity. + +I try to pretend I have no issues by being fully invested and loved at work. I feel like I have to earn acceptance in my work life but also my personal life because of the burden my mental illness places on others for even knowing me. + +I love being productive, getting things done, and I'm very goal orientated... And I get so fucking pissed and feel like a failure to everyone but especially myself when my mental illness damages days, weeks, and even months worth of plans or goals. + +There's so much more I can say. But I really just want to know or hear from people that get it, that understand, that know what I'm talking about. I want to how you deal with. I feel like I'm literally crazy at times. + +Thank you.",Bipolar +50239,"pregnancy my fiancé and i are planning on starting IUI treatments to have a baby this summer and i wanted to know peoples experiences with pregnancy and postpartum while having bipolar 1 since i don’t have anyone to ask. one of my main concerns is having to go off of my meds (i take oxtellar and latuda) and even though i haven’t had a bad manic episode in a few months, i know how bad they can get and i’m scared going off will trigger even more severe psychosis or psychotic episodes. i just wanted advice on if anyone stayed on medication while pregnant and if it was okay, or if you went off and how it went for you? and how you felt after you gave birth, because i’m scared of having bad postpartum depression or postpartum mania. i know there’s nothing you can really do to prevent it, but if anyone has any tips or advice on anything or even just being a parent with bipolar, i would love to hear from you and your experiences!",Bipolar +50528,"How do you manage being tired during depressive episodes? I'm not always sad during my low phases, but during them, I often have middling energy and take numerous naps, which almost border on narcolepsy. Recently, I've been reorganizing my house, but I feel held back because I have errands to run in town and feel too tired to do so. This is compounded by my being proactive into March until I had two breakdowns weeks ago, and sleeping off my problems might be a possible coping method. + +Much of this has had me recall my first year of high school, where I was deeply depressed and often slept during and after school, whereas I was highly energetic and consistently worked in my junior and senior years. + +Does anyone else here have similar experiences? ",Bipolar +46431,"My meds are finally balanced but I can’t stop vomiting! In November last year, I was hospitalised after I stopped taking my Zoloft. Now I am back on it but am taking Zoloft in the morning and Lamictal and Latuda at night with dinner. I never had an issue when I was taking all three at night but now I cannot stop throwing up after taking my nightly meds, but I don’t want to change them because I’m finally stable! Grr. Has anybody else experienced this?",Bipolar +46120,"I just need a little support I have Bipolar 2, but since I was properly diagnosed and medicated 3 years ago, things have been pretty amazing. If it wasn't for the reminder of taking my meds, I probably would have forgot I even have it by now. But right now I am having an issue with a boss at work and it is really throwing me for a tail spin. At least before when I had crazy anxiety I was used to it, but given how stable I've been the last few years it's SO overwhelming. + +It's a tough situation without a possible solution at the moment - + I'm basically just caught in the crossfire of my two bosses fighting with each other - and it's so tense and uncomfortable here that I feel totally out of control. It's very nerve wracking and I don't remember how to handle this much anxiety. Any advice or kind words would be much appreciated.",Bipolar +45763,"I signed up for therapy, but... My psychiatrist is almost 200 km away. + + + To put it in context, I live in the Philippines. It's an archipelago of over 7,500 islands. One of these islands is called Cebu. Cebu is where my family is based right now. I am currently studying in Panay Island, in the province of Iloilo. + +I don't know why I got a psychiatrist from so far away! Is it because I don't want my peers to know that I'm so broken that I need therapy? Is it because I don't want my already fucked up reputation to be worse? + +I will never know. One thing's for sure. I just my peers never find out. People here are judgmental. + +thank you for reading. I just needed to let it out. + +Also, if anyone needs someone to talk to, my inbox is always open. + +All my love and hugs, +SpellTheTea",Bipolar +50125,"Low mood Does anyone else still experience hyper vigilance during a depressive episode? I feel as though it actually gets worse and I hang onto every word and each of the tones. I am prone to self-isolating but I am the sole income earner and it freaks my spouse out when I hit my lows and I cannot get the energy to get to work. The fear is I tend to cry for random things and I work in a super fast paced environment which is overwhelming when I can barely brush my teeth. I wake up with anxiety daily but during a depressive episode, it is crippling. How do I explain the ideation going up? I just want to sleep and cry and I hate the anxiety. People do not realize the high correlation between an anxiety disorder being comorbid with BD. Waking up is literally the hardest part of my day.",Bipolar +46614,"I tried Omega 3 supplements and it's made a huge difference. So basically, I did some research online on foods, medicines etc. and their relationship to bipolar disorder. I then came across a study that said that Omega 3 fatty acids help with depression in bipolar disorder and I also came across a piece that said that when post mortem are done in people with bipolar disorder they generally find levels of omega 3 in their brains less than in people without the disorder. + +So I decided to give omega 3 a shot. I've been taking 1500mg daily for the past 2 months. When I started I was super depressed. It took like a week for me to begin to feel the difference. At the moment I feel quite stable and happy. + +Anyone else can relate?",Bipolar +50092,"Asthma Flovent HFA inhaler, looking for any knowledge. Does anyone use a steroid inhaler for any pulmonary issues? I have severe asthma, unmedicated for years. Now I can no longer get enough air into me. It feels like I have to gasp. Anywho, I have to go back on an inhaler. Which really helps, but It never dawned on me that inhalers use steroids. Which is the number one drug that will put bipolar into mania. I was wondering if this includes the inhaled type. I wanted to check if anyone here uses the inhaler, or if someone had any info. to relay. Any experiences, knowledge, or tidbits would be great, and appreciated. Thank you 😊",Bipolar +45498,"I can't decide about school... The second semester just started and idk what to do... I haven't been to school since before Christmas and right now my goals are to take a shower every week and get through the day. I was gone for some time last semester as well and will probably not get a grade in a few classes. This week I met with my school counselor, main teacher and my ""psychologist"" about school. I'm currently being evaluated for bipolar but it seems pretty clear that I'm going to be put on some medication at least, which is kind of terrifying. Though it will be some time until then. + +So, my options are to either take the rest of the school year off and start this autumn redoing my school year, or take 3 classes now and the rest next year. Everyone excepts me to have an answer, but I don't. I can't even answer simple questions like ""What do you want to eat?"". I wish somebody would just tell me even though I know I have to decide myself. I just can't seem to care. I could barely speak and focus throughout the meeting and my mom ended up speaking mostly. The psychologist brought up shortly how I was last time we talked and I felt shameful for how I had acted. I talked with my brother about how things have been lately and he could kind of relate to my ""ups"", only it's from his experiences with drugs. I didn't think it was that bad and it seems he thought he was experiencing a milder version of what I was experiencing. That hit me. + +Right now it's like I'm taking a look into myself looking at things that seem new to me and all of this is overwhelming and having to evaluate myself is freaky. Idk if school thrown into the mix will help, and now my whole class knows I struggle mentally (in Norway we have a main class that take certain subjects together). I've also been oversharing with some people and I feel like everyone is looking at me differently. I feel like a disease and a pushover. I'm making everything worse and being distant to everyone but I can't help it. Mom deserves better than me. Though it would maybe be better to take 3 classes now instead of everything next year. The thing is that I haven't been able to concentrate at all. Up or down. When I was up there was just too much noise in my head and I had too many other plans. I couldn't even concentrate on what I wanted to do and kept jumping between a lot of things. Still I was 100% sure I could catch up to everything in a couple days which didn't happen. I ended up not sleeping making a workout schedule that was ridiculous, especially for someone who doesn't excercise, drinking a lot of Bailey's to calm down (didn't work) even though I rarely drink, then jogging and working out. Then turning really suicidal and lashing out for 2-3 days before becoming numb. I hate that I want to live yet die so badly at the same time. But. This wasn't what I was going to talk about. I was talking about school. + +This turned out more like a rant than I would like but it feels better to let it out I guess. Took an hour to write this. Time moves so differently.",Bipolar +49595,"Feeling grateful Like many of you in this community, I have cripplingly low self esteem partly from the depressive episodes I find myself in most of the time. Stability hasn’t been attainable for me- I’ve only been on meds for a year and haven’t found the right cocktail yet. + +Today, I’m able to give myself a small pat on the back. + +I’ll be sober a year, at the end of this month. + +I’ve abstained from casual sex/promiscuity for 2 years. + +I’m really proud of myself.",Bipolar +50131,"Bipolar ruining my credit Came here to rant. Can someone on this heavenly earth tell me why credit card companies don’t have a “manic episode” forgiveness? Like sorry I’m not paying my bill right now, I’m out buying shit that will entertain this manic episode for maybe 7 whole days! +Sorry I missed a payment, I didn’t really care to view the statement right now because I’m out living life. +No, I have no idea if those charges are +fraudulent, I was living in the moment. + +Needless to say my balance is HIGH for someone unemployed. Anyone else avoiding looking at their credit score! Can’t tell how many payments I’ve missed! Can’t win here.",Bipolar +50518,"Proud of myself! Being responsible and getting stuff done! I've been needing to get my oil changed for the past 1,000 miles and my headlight has been out for at least a month + +Today I finally got my oil changed, my headlights replaced, and even changed my car air filters! + +I think I'll even get my tabs renewed!",Bipolar +46890,"Anxiety related to BP I have intense anxiety. To the point of affecting my jobs, relationships, pretty much everything. Tell me I'm not alone and what helps you. I'm on 3mg Ativan 3x a day. They help to an extent but make me very sleepy.",Bipolar +45969,"CBT? DBT? Anyone had good experiences? I'm running out of drugs I can try. Vibryd, Lamictal, Latuda, and welbutrin worked for two years but then I crashed and i'm back to zero. Have tried many drugs but pdoc is useless for therapy otherwise. Want to try other therapy stuff in concert with drugs. Does anything work on bipolar?",Bipolar +47002,"Citalopram and menstruation question Details: I was put on 10mg of citalopram in the beginning of March. I had my last period on March 5th, then began spotting a few days after ovulation (I track my cycles). I am currently 10 days late, I took two HPTs at 3 days late, one came up faint but the next negative. My cycles are pretty regular, never exceeding more than a day or two since I was put on lamotrigine in September. +My psychiatrist told me to stop taking the citalopram on April 2nd as I began experiencing psychosis - yay for trial and error. Anyway, still no sight of my period. I also have my tubes tied, so it is not likely that I am pregnant. + +Question: I know that SSRIs can cause disruptions to the menstrual cycle, but I'm wondering if anyone else here has gone through a similar situation and how long it took for your period to finally come back. +I've tried looking this stuff up, but can't seem to find much of anything.",Bipolar +49618,"Need support lol Okay so I was a freshman in college this year, and I made it until about a month ago before I had to withdraw since my mental health was awful (drinking myself to sleep every night, going out alone at 2am, not being able to get up and go to class, stuff like that). I miss my friends so much but I do feel better now that I’m home and don’t have to stress about financial stuff things (i worked as much as I could but got burnt out from doing work and school at the same time as pathetic as that sounds, I just couldn’t afford my meds for a while). + +I don’t know what I’m talking about and I’m sorry but I think I’m manic right now, I’m so tired and took a lot of sleep stuff but it’s not working I feel like I can run a marathon LMAO. I also managed to convince myself again that no one loves me and that I’m an awful person but honestly? I don’t think I’ve really done anything that bad 😭 my mind is just racing and I feel like I’m gonna freak myself out into having a panic attack 😚 + +I’m sorry if this is annoying I feel so annoying",Bipolar +50250,"Just got diagnosed yesterday Imagine my surprise when I go into my psych appointment expecting to get diagnosed with ADHD and getting diagnosed with bipolar instead :’/ I was prescribed Vraylar and I’m honestly terrified of taking it. I’ve read the side effects and damn, it makes me so anxious and sad and mad that I was even diagnosed. I honestly don’t even know if my diagnosis is right? I don’t really experience mania as I’ve seen other people describe it. Idk, im feeling pretty down and don’t know what to do, im considering not even taking my meds but I’ve heard that you should absolutely take your meds if you have BD, idk, anything might help",Bipolar +49812,Getting out of bed in morning How does anyone get up in the morning? I work from home and won’t get up til my morning meeting and will just keep snoozing my alarm cause I feel so depressed and all I wanna do is sleep.,Bipolar +46971,"Every spring/summer like clockwork Hey there, I have BP1 mainly characterized by hypomanic blips in the spring and summer and not much else (there was a big ugly manic episode at one point, hopefully never again..). + +I’m just amazed by how reliably I get these symptoms in the spring/summer. This year I started having hypomanic symptoms the last week of March. That’s the EXACT same time I started getting hypomanic symptoms a couple years ago for my first big manic episode. + + It doesn’t happen every year in spring, summer ones are more spread out, but it’s very interesting how tightly it is associated with the change in the season. + +Do any of you also notice the same thing? + +",Bipolar +50071,,Bipolar +46487,Ability What can you tell me about it? I was recently prescribed it for the first time and just started taking it this week... what are your experiences? ,Bipolar +49503,"How do you guys deal with making mistakes? I (32 f) can't seem to handle even the tiniest mistake. I made a mistake whilst driving today, nothing bad happened, just received an excessive amount of horn honking, I didn't do anything horrific but I just can't get over it. I feel like I should just quit driving altogether. It's been the same all of my life, I still die inside on an almost daily basis because of mistakes I made when I was a teenager.. I'm just looking for some coping mechanisms if anyone has any",Bipolar +46551,"Is it my bipolar, or does it sound like something different I should explore with my pdoc? I've been having a lot of trouble lately. I'm on a solid cocktail of meds, and I take them regularly. But in the last month I've been having stuff go on that I can't tell if it's a result of bipolar or just stress generally, and it would be really really helpful to know if what I'm experiencing is within the norms of breakthrough symptoms, or if I should consider looking for answers outside of my bipolar. The following things I've been experiencing for about six weeks, increasing over the first couple of weeks and then the level at which I'm experiencing them has kind of evened out.... + +? Difficulty concentrating. Sometime it feels like there is a fuzzy border closing in around my vision if I'm trying to focus on something. My brain gets fuzzy and my thoughts feel like they are just entitities taking space in my brain, growing and pushing the limits of what my mind can contain (like my thoughts are swelling my brain....fucking weird. I know.) + +? Often feeling like I want to break into tears for seemingly no reason. Much of the time it is because of aforementioned feeling of fuzziness and there not being room in my mind to think straight. + +? Feelings of being completely out of control of my own life, that it is driven by external factors only. + +? Becoming more and more preoccupied with my self-image, again and while all of my measurements are stagnant, am experiencing the physical feeling of being larger, fattier, and I look significantly different in the mirror. + +? Headaches along my orbital sockets frequently (every 2-3 days), which almost always provokes fuzz brain. + +? Significantly diminished desire to do anything at all, including hobbies, taking dog for walks, exercising, chores, errands, sex drive diminished - all coupled with physical feeling of absolute physical exhaustion. + +? Sporadically becoming really tired, sometimes to point of barely being able to keep my eyes opened. Eyes water and vision becomes blurry when this happens. + +? Significantly more jaw clenching. + +? Having more defensive responses which tend to come out snappy, when it's totally unwarranted. (This I can almost definitely attribute to my bipolar, I always get snappy when I have mood shifts.) + + + +Thanks in advance, I appreciate anyone/everyone's input. ",Bipolar +46502,"Evidence for high TSH/low thyroid causing rapid cycling mania? I was recently diagnosed with unipolar mania/bipolar NOS after having a ton of hypomanic episodes over the past three years (started out as 1-2 a year but over the last six months I've had at least one a month, each lasting up to 10 days). + +I just started lithium, so I had my bloodwork pulled, and my TSH showed up with a result of 2.78 mIU/L. My psychiatrist looked at that result and said that we need to get it below 2, and that she thought my high TSH was the reason I was rapid cycling. + +She wants to get me on a synthetic thyroid and I'm skeptical. 2.78 mIU/L seems to be within healthy reference ranges, though it is on the high side, and I can't find any evidence that higher TSH values cause rapid cycling for mania. [I've found evidence that taking synthetic thyroid was effective in preventing rapid cycling with people with depression](https://psycheducation.org/treatment/thyroid-and-bipolar-disorder/high-dose-thyroid-hormone-as-a-mood-stabilizer-in-bipolar-disorder/), but it doesn't mention mania. + +Anyone have experience with this? I'd rather not take more medication if I don't have to.",Bipolar +50641,Sweating when hypomanic? Diagnosed and medicated since 2013. Wondering if anyone else starts to sweat significantly more during a hypomanic or manic episode? I can feel I'm om the verge of an episode and I just cannot stop sweating. I'm curious is anyone else has this experience.,Bipolar +46982,"Jitterbug blues Just upped my dosage of Vraylar and my psych warned it might make me restless. This feeling is so irritating! I stand up and I want to sit down. I sit down and immediately jump back up. My legs won't stop bouncing when I sit still. My arms feel like there is some weird energy thrumming through them. This constant need to move is making it impossible to get work done! + +&#x200B; + +I have a follow-up appointment next week and I can't wait. I'm hoping this feeling goes away by then, otherwise I am likely off to Abilifytown and I haven't heard great things about that medication. Has anyone else experienced this jitteryness? I'm losing my mind!",Bipolar +46509,"I am torn between weed and meds So I got off all my meds for bipolar/psychosis a year ago and I started smoking weed daily and it was great, I was doing really good untill recently I am still smoking but now I am getting extremely manic or extremely angry where I'm starting to lose control but i am not deppressed nor have I had a psychosis episode. Recently I do get the urge to hurt others physically this isnt a normal thing for me, I have also noticed my teeth grinding is getting out of control my jaw hurts so bad and I'm worried for my teeth but I do it without noticing. I am concerned about going back on meds because everytime I have gone into treatment I have been locked up multiple times because the many medications i have been on which I started treatment at 10yo treatment have always failed me somehow it usually enhances my depression or psychosis I am torn between starting treatment again or staying on weed, I am afraid I'll end up going in and out of mental hospitals if I start medication again I havent been in a hospital since I started smoking weed, but I am also afraid it's just building up and I'm just a ticking time bomb.",Bipolar +45829,"Looking for resources on being supportive Coming from /nba after viewing a mental health post there. + +I'm looking for knowledge/resources on how to help and be a support system for my girlfriend. + +She let me know beforehand that she was bipolar and gave me opportunities to not pursue a relationship with her. I really care about her so I let her know I appreciate it but that I'd really like to build something with her. + +Most recently she lost her meds when I was visiting and it totally shook her. One night she started to have a manic episode (Idk what the correct term is) and she was crying and laughing and rolling around on the bed. + +I tried to comfort her but honestly I had no clue what to do. She couldn't talk after a point and was texting me saying it felt like if she talked that she'd completely lose it. She needed me to leave so I left but I felt scared and awful that I couldn't do anything for her. I didn't want to leave also because I was worried about possible suicidal tendencies. + +I feel like this is something I'll have to talk to her more about, but atm she isn't ready to open up about the topic, and I don't want to force the issue just yet. + +I'm stuck in between wanting to give her the space she needs, and wanting to do everything I can to become the support system she needs. I don't feel her family provides her with it. + +Sorry this got longer than I wanted, but what are some things that I can do to help? What helps those here that go through this? + +Apologies if anything I said was politically incorrect, I'm here to learn and soak up the knowledge. ",Bipolar +46748,"What do I do in this state? Hello, + +I've only been able to talk about this recently even though I got diagnosed quite a few months ago. I'm on medication, and it was working quite well. However, it is not doing so as much anymore. I'm having the issue of not sleeping going on 9 days now even though I take seraquil for sleeping. I'm also far less able to control my mood at all, and I'm dealing with panic attacks as well. I was just curious if anyone had any advice because im a 22 year old college student who hopefully is graduating in a year or two, and I'm honestly unsure what to do in order to be able to do work and focus. Also, in addition to being a college student, I am in engineering....a field not really welcome to mental health issues. I'm just really worried and don't want to end up failing my classes and ultimately failing out of college or talking like 8 years to graduate. It's scary and new to me to deal with this fear and worry when medication isnt enough? ",Bipolar +47043,"Looking for help/advice? Okay I've never posted here before... Bipolar II here. + +So, I'm definitely hypomanic right now but I feel like it's different somehow this time? I was diagnosed relatively recently, and this is the first time I'm actually cognizant of the mood shift. I'm slightly alarmed; it started where I was having trouble concentrating. That morphed into a sort of word-salad where it'd take me awhile to come up with words that were on the tip of my tongue, or I'd say the completely wrong word. (example as I just was typing this! ""Diagnosed relatively recently""--I had to stop and think how to phrase that because I wanted to type ""soon-ish"", but could not for the life of me remember the word ""relatively"".) + +At work today and it's been rough. Well, that's an understatement. I feel like I'm literally having to corral my brain. Cannot concentrate AT ALL. Making really stupid mistakes. Fleeting thoughts I barely have time to even grab onto and process. + +My hypomanic espisodes usually come coupled with wild bursts of creativeness and wanting to do ALL THE THINGS, and I can't get to sleep and can't stay asleep. I've had no problem getting to sleep, but I feel like no matter how much or little sleep I get I'm exhausted? That usually happens when I'm depressed! I don't get it! + +I just am freaking because this whole having trouble thinking and speaking is totally foreign to me. I'm admittedly a bit of a hypochondriac, so I'm sitting here like, DO I HAVE EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA?!? + +Really hoping this isn't too disjointed and makes sense. I'm just wondering if anyone gets reeeeally spacey when hypomanic??? This is nuts...also just totally forgot something I was going to put. Oh well. I have a psych appointment coming up so I'll bring this up, but that's a week away unfortunately... thank you.",Bipolar +50621,"Newly diagnosed I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 three days ago and have already been diagnosed with anxiety and autism. I don't know where to start. I am relieved, because my mother thought I was having hormonal changes or I was exaggerating, but my father actually tried to help. Whenever I think of those moments, being frustrated over my mother saying that I was using it as an excuse after I got diagnosed with anxiety, it saddens me. I feel better because now she is more careful. What do I do know ? I have some coping methods like music, physics, math, etc.",Bipolar +49883,how do you manage anhedonia? Recently I haven't been able to feel anything. I'm so demotivated I can't do anything. I feel so hopeless recently and a bit frustrated that I am numb. I'm currently on olanzapine and I'm not sure if this is a side effect of this medicine. Any help would be appreciated.,Bipolar +50172,Is it normal to not know if you’re in a hypomania episode or not? i think i’ve only been able to identify 1 episode of hypomania so far and that was months ago because it was prominent after a long period of a depressive episode. some days i randomly feel really good and energetic mixed with irritability but i can’t really tell if i’m hypomanic or not,Bipolar +46429,"I'm in love for the first time since diagnosis and it does not feel good. Yesterday I've put my best friend on a hold. Totally my fault. She were there for me the whole time, but things worked out in a way that I developed a crush on her. I really thought ""wtf, mania. Again?"". But I had my lithium tests, talked to my psychiatrist and sadly I wasn't manic at all. I was really suffering, because she has her problems too and when I try to talk with her about it she doesn't respond well. I tried do keep my distance, try to get over it, but she likes me a lot and we became even closer. +Relationships are a huge problem for me, and my friend is in a different phase of life. She broke with her first boyfriend recently (they were together from age 13 till 18, church boyfriend, holding hands only, she was unhappy) and now she is dating a lot of guys no strings attached, a lot like what I do, but it hurts for me to see it. I started avoiding being at the same places she goes to and the others close to me are telling me she is not really all that. So I decided to put our friendship on a hold too, since I'm unhappy with this ""let's speed date everyone we can and maybe we'll get together at the end"". I can't keep having sex and making out with strangers to compensate her actions, you know? It became toxic. Yesterday we've had a huge fight about it, because I told her I didn't like to be exposed this way. +Edit 1: She thought I called her a whore idk but things went ugly and she told me that I was the one she liked. It doesn't matter, because it was turning my first time being ok with my disorder in making me feel like a mess. Sorry if the text is unclear, writing in english is uncomfortable for me and sometimes I just can't organize my ideas. ",Bipolar +45604,"I just got diagnosed After years of suspecting that I had bipolar disorder, I finally saw a psychologist and got diagnosed. I was really pushed to go after I saw how detrimental it was to those around me and the suicidal thoughts were becoming constant. I was a little disappointed when my doctor suggested medication to help with my treatment. I avoided medication for the longest because I would hate for them to zombify me. I don’t wanna be out of it nor feel unlike myself. + +This leads me to ask, does anyone have alternatives for treatment? Has it worked? How long until you noticed a significant improvement? I have so many questions after finally being diagnosed and I just wanna know how to cope and where to go from here. Any input is appreciated!",Bipolar +45447,"Can you be manic with low self-esteem? (tw suicide) Hey everyone, + +I just spent a night in a psychiatric assessment unit. Before admitting myself, I hadn’t slept in 90 hours, not because I couldn’t, but because I didn’t feel like I should. I wanted to keep “being productive” which is interesting because I was also too anxious to do things that I actually need to do (reply to emails and texts, do work, self-care and hygiene). This resulted in three terrible nights of organizing parts of my room, drinking, cutting, exercising, writing, and beating my Tetris high score. I created more art and wrote more than I ever have in such short period of time. I kept making plans with friends, setting goals, etc while fully conscious that I would be too emotionally drained to do any of them the next day, which just lead to disappointment. The whole time I was awake, I was surging with adrenaline and didn’t feel tired. I wasn’t getting hallucinations or feeling sluggish like most people report after not sleeping for 3 days. This was especially strange because I usually feel tired after a normal 8 hours of sleep due to low iron, plus I was only eating ~500 cal a day. Instead, I felt alert and was able to do math homework, write, go to work, etc. One weird thing was that my train of thought was totally off..one second I would think “I’m getting out of the bath in two minutes” and immediately follow that with “what am I doing in two minutes?” or I’d be surfing reddit, see a recommended website, open a new tab, then forget what I was doing. + +The second night I was awake, I had this really strong urge to kill myself for about two hours (very different from my normal passive “I want to die” thoughts; this was like a primal irrational urge) and I then spent the rest of the day totally out of it, like my brain was in a different place. I immediately forgot the details of those two hours after they happened so I can’t even really describe it in detail. + +This whole not-sleeping episode came right after a few months of feeling extremely depressed, unable to perform basic activities or care for myself, too anxious to go out or go to classes. + +Anyways, all that to say that I met with a psychiatrist while I was in the unit, and she was considering the possibility of bipolar disorder (I am already diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression). Bipolar disorder is not something I have ever considered before. She was worried about putting me back on antidepressants in case it triggered more mania. What held her back was that generally you should feel an inflated self-esteem during manic episodes, but I didn’t feel that at all. I hated myself and felt more suicidal than ever before. + +So my question is: is anyone here bipolar and feels low self-esteem during manic episodes? Is this possible? As a 17 year old going off to uni next year, GAD and depression are already enough to deal with…I truly hope I do not have BD. But if I do I’d like to figure it out ASAP so I can start getting it under control. Thanks for any help!",Bipolar +46173,"BP ladies, has your cycle exaggerated your episodes? I feel like my birth control is helping with my episodes. My pms was SO much worse in conjunction with my BP. Has anyone else experienced this? I started Yaz last month and this month has been a breeze compared to previous months. I still have episodes unrelated to my cycle, but they aren't irritated like before. ",Bipolar +50262,,Bipolar +45780,"How seriously do I take BP break up in non-communicative phase? SO (""A"") is BP2, rapid cycling, or maybe not. Dx is up in the air, but has been treating for that for 10 years. A is also currently treating for PTSD and has a bad case of seasonal affective disorder. + +One month ago, everything was fine. We were engaged, no issues, planning to leave the state and this bad climate/latitude in the spring. Then overnight, there was a sudden withdrawal of communication. This usually resolves in a few days. It didn't. A week ago, A told parents that we were moving together (we are LGBT, this was a big step.) + +Then I had a bad week and needed communication and it wasn't happening. I admit I called and texted more than I should have, but I've been supportive through MULTIPLE issues and haven't asked for a lot back. + +A responds that s/he wants to move to another state, on the other side of the country, not where I can readily work, but one state I can't really work in. Wants to stay friends. Which is not really possible right now, when all of my plans are being yanked out from under me. + +I don't know how seriously to take this. A claims to lose his/her mind here because of the winter every February. This one arrived right on schedule. Says is tired of being medicalized, but A doesn't work and is probably disabled because of multiple medical issues, which I have been doing my best to help with. Won't leave the house for more than a few hours. + +A says will think about it for a couple of weeks, rather than ending things right this minute. I don't think s/he means it right now. Meaning I don’t think there’s any real intent to stay with me. + +I'm being intentionally vague because I don't want any possible invasion of his/her privacy. But I'm tired, and I admit I'm having invasive thoughts of my own. Fellow BP travelers, how do I evaluate how serious this is? Should I assume I'm being discarded for no reason at all? What do I do? ",Bipolar +50101,"Bipolar & Resilience Hey everyone, + +I am far from a inspirational speaker but I wanted to just hop on and say that when it comes to my BiPD I feel I am a much stronger person because of it. I grew up with a mom who likely had the disorder as well but took the path to meth as her escape and my dad was always working and never there. + +I grew up on my own and didn't find out I had the disorder till I was in my late teens. I wasn't able to go to college and I struggled to find work that was a fit and take care of myself for a bit but now I am happy to say I found the best job and make more money without a degree than most. + +This IS NOT me bragging, I say all of this to show that I think we all forget sometimes that while having this disorder is a struggle it can teach us a lot of lessons. It also allows many of us to think differently and that can be a benefit. The problem is finding a way to get to stability to be able to use it in a way that doesn't make us self-destruct. I know it's hard (understatement of the year), and everyone has to find thier own path because it is definitely not one size fits all. I hope anyone who sees this knows there is hope, it's the small wins that keep it alive. Small ones lead to larger ripples in life. + + +Anyway just wanted to share my two cents, if it's not for you feel free to pass on by. Not looking for hate mail.",Bipolar +50646,tired and angry i’m just so over everything honestly. i use to love cleaning and self care and now it take all my energy to shower once a week. i’ve been on all these different medications and the only one that worked my insurance randomly decided they didn’t want to pay for it anymore. my psychiatrist is frustrated with me because i haven’t started therapy but i genuinely can’t afford it right now and i fully believe i’m in a place where therapy just isn’t a good idea. i’m on geodon right now and it just makes me feel nothing. i miss who i was before this diagnosis…. it’s all so exhausting.,Bipolar +45540,"Encephalitis that mimics bipolar and schizophrenia? Saw this the other day, was wondering if anyone here is in the Houston area and participating. https://www.bphope.com/treatable-condition-could-be-mistaken-for-schizophrenia-or-bipolar-disorder/",Bipolar +50438,"Realizing mania in my past I am just laying in my bed not tired and I have been thinking about the past and realized how many times before diagnosis I was experiencing this. + +Working 65 hour weeks, hypersexual behavior, obsessive behavior, delusions and stuff. I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and definitely have been experiencing this since maybe 10 -12 years ago + +Now I actually understand the extreme paranoia, delusions, and minor psychosis and extreme hypersexual behavior + +( I don't have psychosis much, but this year I tried to jump out of moving car because my mom's car was filled with bugs (hallucinations) ) + +Anyone ever just realized how long we have actually been dealing with these side effects of bipolar?",Bipolar +46013,"After years of struggling with my own mind, I finally decided to go see a doctor the other day. As we were talking, he asked a bunch of question about my insecurities and anxiety, my hundred of ups and downs. And by the end of my appointment, he just told me that there was a lot of chances I may be bipolar. For now, he gave me some pills for my insomnia, he said that it could just be caused by the lack of sleep. A part of me wishes it does but deep down, I know it’s more than that. And now I’m just scared, scared cause all I wanted was the doc to tell me everything will be normal, but it wont, it never is and I don’t know what to do with that. I’m just fucking scared",Bipolar +46389,"Diagnosed Borderline but having my diagnosis looked into. Recent letter mentions the word euthymic over and over after psych said it could of been Bipolar I didn’t know how to write the title to explain my situation so here it goes.. + +I’ve had mental health issues since 14, been in the system since 17. I’m now 32. + +Nan has Schizophrenia on my mother’s side. + +I’ve had two psychotic episodes and my clinical notes state psychotic disorder and borderline personality disorder. + +After being out of the system for several years. I seeked help again after some warning symptoms under a new team. + +Under the new team, I requested that I had my diagnosis looked into again. + +I’ve met with this new team a few times now but the most recent letter from the minutes of that meeting mention the word euthymic three times. + +The psych also stated during that meeting that my previous psychosis ‘could of been bipolar’. + +I’ve researched the word euthymic and I can only find a correlation to Bipolar and no results on euthymia with Borderline. + +I’m here because I’d like some insight into what they may mean by this ‘euthymic state’. Well, it says euthymic then later on in the mental state part it says ‘euthymic reactive state’. + +Please help shed some light on this, I’m clueless. + +Thanks and love to you all + +TLDR : Psych letter mentions I’m in a euthymic state 3 times but my diagnosis is Borderline however recent psych said my psychosis ‘could of been bipolar’ + + +",Bipolar +46776,"My mothers bipolar is getting worse, really hard to cope (on mobile) +As said in the title, my mothers bipolar depression disorder is getting worse with age. She’s 50 and on 7+ medications, that is not an exaggeration. My family wants nothing to do with it because she lies about how she really feels so, now it’s my responsibility to look after her. + +She is on 400mg of Abilify and it’s making her sleepwalk, develop tartive dyskinesia and sleep text/call which is becoming scary. I don’t know how to cope since I have no close friends to get out of the house with and I have no job because I take care of her (driving her to work, doing the shopping, cleaning) and her house. I’m only 19 and my life is on hold. I don’t know how to say that I’m tired without hurting her feelings because it’s not her fault. But, the last time I moved out she completely quit all of her medications cold turkey. + +I don’t necessarily need advice, I just feel extremely stressed out and alone. ",Bipolar +49950,"Y'all I cleaned my room today 🙌 I haven't cleaned my room in... Months. And it was causing me so much anxiety but I couldn't make myself do it. Well, today I did it! It feels so good. + +I also cut my dog's nails today and that was another thing I kept not doing that was causing me stress. + +Today was a decent day!",Bipolar +46187,"Seroquel side effects I was recently put onto seroquel (quetiapine in the UK) and about an hour after taking it, I have trouble with my balance and my speech becomes slurred. Only for an hour or so, but still off-putting. + +Anyone else experienced this?",Bipolar +49965,"ADHD + bipolar I have primary inattentive ADHD, it's pretty severe and has been my entire life. Unfortunately, medication makes me switch even while on mood stabilizers. That wasn't always the case, I've been on Ritalin, Adderall, strattera and Vyvanse. Strattera was the absolute worst. I was very motivated, it helped my ADHD symptoms more than anything but within 6 months I ruined my finances long term. + +Currently, I'm on nothing for my ADHD. I started latuda three months ago and my ADHD symptoms are worse than they've ever been. Latuda seems to do pretty good for emotional regulation but my employer is extremely worried about me. I'm not focused, my memory recall is awful and my personality has changed more than it has over the past 8 years of work. In other words, my work is currently very impacted by these new meds. + +I'm wondering if anybody has some tips on what to ask my psych. It's my understanding that antipsychotics and stimulants negate eachother. What the hell is the point of being on either of them if they work against each other? + +It would be super cool if I could stay motivated, happy and focused but also remain level headed and sane. Ideas??",Bipolar +49958,,Bipolar +49484,"Rant but not really,newly diagnosed but then again I’m not Hello all , I’m new here but I feel like I shouldn’t be lol +Yesterday was kind of a mental health day as I was talking to a social worker who was helping me find a new therapist. Long story short we got into my previous diagnosis’ and I told her mild depression , adhd and anxiety. Yes these are true but however the one that is relevant to this post that popped up that I didn’t know was bipolar. I end up contacting my previous psychiatrist because I did not recall him saying this ( I swear he didn’t ) and he said yes but it is unspecified. He diagnosed me because of my constant irritability and made a point to say today I may be in remission because I wasn’t as snappy as before. I honestly Just thought the things he would say would rub me the wrong way. Next week he’ll do a full evaluation. + +A few years back another therapist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder I forgot which , but I remember her say something of me being manic. I honestly don’t think she’s working anymore but I wanted this evaluation at the time because I believed I was bipolar starting around 13-16 years old. I had my reasons for it. Fast forward to last year my last psychologist said I was misdiagnosed and it was just adhd/add. I had mentioned my sex drive/hyper sexuality (which I may speak on in another post), my impulsive urges to do things, mood swings that can be intense, etc etc she said it was just a mixture of my depression and adhd. +So now here I am, and thinking back to the things I’ve done before and do now. These things I am trying to control and make sense of mainly the hyper sexuality I started to wonder if I was just a sex addict because of my habits and started looking into help to stop these things but yet my only problem is when I’m in the mood lol. +I’m at a point in life where I want a second opinion, or I just don’t want to believe or say I am even though I have the signs more than I’ve even mentioned.",Bipolar +45561,"New to Bipolar A close family member of mine just got diagnosed with bipolar this summer after experiencing a major manic episode. Is there anyone who has advice or tips for learning more about this condition, or things you wish you knew early on that might have helped you to deal with your symptoms better? If there are any resources that can be recommended all information would be appreciated. The biggest issue is sleep right now and I feel like my family member is obsessing over it to the point that they can't see the progress that they are making and I just want to know how I can help. They feel numb to emotion and at times hopeless and I wan't to know what I can do or how I can help them help themselves. + +Thank you",Bipolar +49512,"Man I really want to get a cat Man I want a cat, one of family members has 2 rag doll cats that I pet sit for a few weeks at time when he travels. When those cats leave the loneliness really starts hitting me. Some days I don’t want to talk to anyone, but having a cat near helps with being by myself. I love cats man, so cute. I got some good friends but no girl, so a fluffy cat to snuggle with would make my day.",Bipolar +47065,"About to make a terrible financial decision for my own mental health... As the title says, I'm about to make a stupid decision. + + +We're in debt $4k due to my stupid spending in the past (we all know what this is like.) Here's the thing, I haven't seen my mom in 5 years. I haven't seen any family besides who I brought with me when I moved away, and I miss them so much. Since I left I've had at least one psychotic break, I lost a chance to obtain my dream job, and I lost the chance to graduate this year (something I was on track for in the last few years.) I just want to hug my mom. Even thirty-somethings need to see their mom sometimes. + + +We're going on a vacation back home. It's going to throw us into another $2k of debt even while making use of rewards miles/points. We're already doing it, the plans are set in motion, but I feel really awful that I have to sacrifice more financial security just to get a break from my stressful life. Is this the kind of debt that's ""ok?"" I miss home so much it makes me cry, I need to go back to my roots and find strength there. + + +I guess I just need to know that this is an OK thing to do. I feel so guilty for putting my family in debt and that I can't get a job to pay it all back. I can't keep living like this without the support of my friends and family, and they're all so far away :(",Bipolar +46968,"I called the suicide hotline.... I called them to thank them for all of the hard work they put in. I wanted to thank them for being there when I needed them. I wanted to let them know that I have been mostly stable for over a year. + +The operator on the other end sounded overjoyed that I was doing well. He said he would pass the good word around. + +Made me happy to thank somebody for the service that has helped me in the past.",Bipolar +49833,,Bipolar +46727,"Has anyone else felt written off by a medical professional once they find out you're on Bipolar medication? I went to the emergency room this morning for chest pain, feeling faint and uncontrollable shaking. I've been experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath, headaches, bouts of weakness and an inability to control my body temperature recently and it was so intense this morning I felt it warranted getting check out. This was the sickest I had ever felt in my life. + +After getting to a room the Dr came in, quickly looked at my info and asked about the lamictal and when I last had my levels checked. She said they'd do a blood test to check and left. Someone came to draw my blood and did an ekg. A while later the nurse came back to let me know I'd been discharged. I wasn't checked out by the Dr, when the heart rate and bp would go crazy no one came to check, my resting heart rate would jump up to ~150bpm, my blood pressure would shoot up too. I had to ask about the test results as I recieved the discharge papers as no one came back to let me know. They just checked my lamictal levels and said I was good to go. I was embarrassed when I left as I was still feeling sick and people in the waiting room watched me warble out and were asking if I was ok. + +Is this a thing that happens? A Dr sees the bp diagnosis and medication and decides whatever's going on is simply a medication or bp issue? I'm doubting myself, if I should have waited to see if I actually passed out or waited until it got worse before going in? The experience just left me bummed and self conscious.",Bipolar +50649,"Head noise, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking Anybody else feel like their brain is bombarding them constantly? It’s 3 major things for me: + +1. Music in my head. All the time, non-stop. Sometimes it’s a real song, sometimes it’s a song I made up in my head. Sometimes it’s a song I like, sometimes it’s super annoying (even my own songs). + +2. Intrusive thoughts. Could be anything from violent and disturbing images to something super benign. I have a bag of Mamma Chia brand chia seeds, every time I see I think “mamma chia, mamma chia figaro.” + +3. Obsessive thinking. I’ll become interested in a subject to the point where I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ll try to focus on something else, but I creeps back in and I wind up reading the same Wikipedia article 100 times instead of doing what I’m supposed to be doing. + +Just wanted to see if anyone can relate to this.",Bipolar +46152,"New Art Subreddit Hi everyone! This morning I created the sub reddit r/Manicart. For all you artists, writers, poets, photographers,song writers to post to... if you want to. I love seeing everyone's creativity, and I think a one stop subreddit would be sick. ",Bipolar +49790,"What diagnoses did you have before you finally got the correct one? I had so many doctors think so many things were wrong with me over the years, I'm curious to know how your experiences were. + +In order, I was diagnosed with: Borderline PD, Bulimia Nervosa\*, Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia\*, And finally... Bipolar type 2\*. + +\* = things they were unfortunately mostly right about.",Bipolar +50267,"Do you find even medicated bipolar is draining mentally and physically? What the topic title says. I find this to be the most debilitating illness I've ever faced. The effort required to function at a ""normal"" level is draining for me personally. I manage to do it but there's probably more days where I don't want to get out of bed to go to work even though I do so anyway. By the time I get home I just lay down in bed to try and recover regardless of whether it was a good or a bad day.",Bipolar +49679,"Trying to write an Email while Manic like: **Hi there!!** + +**It's me again. I hope you're doing good! I'm grrrreat! I'm just writing with that sample you requested, which I will leave in the attachments. I hope you like it! I was kinda going for something different this time. If it still needs improvements, let me know. And if I can't get it right this time, then, guess I'll die! womp womp womp lol Anyway, there's was something I was specifically writing to tell you about, but I forgot. Should I remember it, be expecting another email from me! Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to shave my legs in the front yard as it's a lovely day.** + +**Have a bitchin' Wednesday!** + +And looking back at old emails, it's just pages of this shit.",Bipolar +50609,"Choice Theory tl;dr should I read Choice Theory or should I change therapists? + +So, my therapist has suggested that I read Choice Theory by William Glasser... I used a credit on audible to get it, it is a little over 12 hours long... I haven't started it yet, but what I have read about choice theory tells me I will disagree with a main premise, which my therapist and I kinda got into today... + +He insists that thoughts and emotions are choices. Going so far as to say that mental illness is a choice. In regards to bipolar, if you are not having negative consequences, do you have bipolar? Because you can choose your actions and reactions and emotions and thoughts. + +That medicine is a crutch and is not necessary. + +He says that this gives you the power to control your life and swings and even get rid of swings. + +This came up when I was asking about tools because my regular tool for dealing with intrusive thoughts isn't really cutting it for me right now (having the thought, then saying to myself, is this thought beneficial/useful/helpful to me?) + +There are several things here that I am in complete disagreement with. Medicine is necessary, thoughts and emotions are not controllable (i.e. they just happen, but can potentially be directed) and, mental illness is real and not a choice. + +Sure you can do things to help mitigate symptoms and try and improve yourself, but ~~I am pretty sure~~ I will always have bipolar. He has planted a seed of doubt. That my entire array of health issues might be psychosomatic. I also see gastro/neuro/cardiologists. It is incredibly invalidating...",Bipolar +50175,,Bipolar +46055,"What helps or hurts in a work setting? Hi, + +Everyone’s got different skills, interests, and goals, but I was wondering if you could share aspects of your work environment that make a difference for you, for better or worse. + +My SO has bipolar DO and is looking for work. He found something that seemed good on the face of it - turned out they wanted him to do rotating shifts, ie a month straight on nights. Between that and the long commute, it was a less than ideal setup. I’m wondering what other environmental factors are worth considering when looking at potential jobs. (Could include management style, size of organization - big orgs might have decent HR staff and can afford to handle sick day requests, but maybe the right smaller employers could offer a better culture ? Anything you can think of.) + +He’s looking at sales or customer service as possibilities - I think sales especially would suit his personality in many ways, but wonder how the stressors might affect him (competition with coworkers for commissions , managing disappointment, dealing with complaints, etc... he’s very personable and likes people, so I can see that working for him, it’s just the other stuff i worry might stress him out. Input from anyone in those fields would be amazing.) + +Thank you!",Bipolar +50237,"sometimes i feel like im just fine does anyone ever feel like they just don’t even have bipolar anymore. i know i do and it’s never gonna go away and the way i’ve been feeling is literally me BEING BIPOLAR but sometimes i feel the same way for so long that i just feel like it’s gone. i’ve been in what feels like a constant depressive episode since august even though i know i have had bouts of mania or psychotic episodes but i just feel like they didn’t last as long or weren’t as severe as they usually are. i got my meds upped around the time the mania calmed down so i know it’s a good thing but i can’t help but feel like it’s bad. it’s not that i don’t want to be better it’s just that im so used to feeling insane constantly and i feel like now that everything has calmed down a little it feels like it’s just over. i’ve been so depressed since november that it’s so hard for me to get out of bed and take care of myself at all most days and i hate it. i also hate how fast i switch up and how i go from laughing and feeling normal to being extremely angry and crying. that’s another thing, i feel like i’ve developed these huge anger issues and i’ve been lashing out and being so mean to everyone for no reason. i have such a hard time verbally apologizing so it makes me feel even more like shit. i feel like im never going to be able to live a normal life or like genuinely feel better and have it last lol. i feel like i can’t handle or cope with anything the way i used to and i’ve just become so mad at the world. i havent self harmed since last summer and i know it’s a huge achievement but sometimes i feel like it was keeping me grounded in a way. idk if anyone else ever feels like that. i just hate being stupid",Bipolar +50342,,Bipolar +50352,"Announcement on our AMA with Dr. Tracey Marks Hey all, we’ve rescheduled our AMA with Dr Tracy Marks while we work out the technical logistics. + +&#x200B; + +This decision was not made lightly, but we do need more time to make sure that everything is set up and functioning correctly before we can go through with this event. We ask that you have patience at this time, and we will keep everyone updated on our timeline once we have everything situated. + +&#x200B; + +In the meantime, please check out Dr. Tracey Marks on [Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCL2QpphEeZFYwk6-WXD6hpA), as well as her [official website](https://markspsychiatry.com/). + +&#x200B; + +We thank you for your understanding and are looking forward to seeing everyone when we do have this event. + +&#x200B; + +The current date for the event is: **TBD**.",Bipolar +46687,I lost weight on Zyprexa :O Guysssss I started really committing to a diet after weight gain from all my meds and I'm actually losing weight on zyprexa! I legit didn't think it would be possible with all the hunger and it's notorious reputation. Anyway I am feeling really in control after feeling completely helpless (depakote weight gain like woah) with my physical and mental state and just wanted to share with you all! ????,Bipolar +46056,"How did you know? Hi y'all, I've been struggling a lot with my mental health. I'm currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist but I feel like I'm not getting better. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression, I feel like it's not working and I'm just like I was before. (it worked for about 3 weeks I was on a crazy high, then I started feeling shitty again)I have this gut feeling that there's something more going on that depression and anxiety. I was wondering if anyone could tell me how they were able to get proper help and what they were feeling? I feel like a lot of things in my head I'm too scared to tell my therapist, for fear of being judged or called 'crazy'. Thanks in advanced for any help! ",Bipolar +45923,"Abilify is scaring me So recently I was 'diagnosed' by a psychiatrist. I see a psychologist these days, we really just talk about things and I don't find that particularly helpful. I swing between horrible depression and even worse panic attacks/spells of psychosis. I used to drink to 'level' myself out but in the past 4 years that really hasn't helped things and just made the psychosis worse. Also my current gf has a flat 'no drinking' policy. + +Anyway after 6 months being on the waiting list at the ONLY place my GP would refer me too, I was given a 1 hour assessment and a script for abilify. I have a long, LONG history of eating disorders along with the alcohol abuse. This past 13 months I have gone from being a happy 78kg (I'm 6ft 2) to a huge 115Kg because I don't have my crutch of alcohol anymore. + +I'm scared of abilify. I just took my first dose. I'm terrified of the weight gain. When I was 16 I was put on seroquel and I blew up like a baloon which STARTED my crippling ED bullshit. I told all this to my psych and he assured me that Abilify was 'completely side effect free' and 'weight neutral' but my pharmacist was flabbergasted and told me I could expect a similar trail to Seroquel? + +So toss the meds and get a second opinion? Or is it not as scary as all that? Can anyone tell me they've had ANY positive experiences with atypical antipsychotics? ",Bipolar +46666,"Doing a half marathon for charity - if you can donate anything, even a little bit is so helpful. Yep. I'm that prick but I'm hoping to raise £250 minimum, maybe even more if i'm lucky. + +&#x200B; + +Please donate if you can. spread the word if you can. + +I'm running for the mental health charity MIND, as they work so incredibly hard all the time and have provided and help me when discussing my rights, treatments and meds + +&#x200B; + +[https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/jess-woodward1996](https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/jess-woodward1996)",Bipolar +49573,"Went manic and now my precious hair is ruined I wanted to cut layers in my hair as I always do, but this time, I messed up big time! I feel so stupid and sad. + +My hair is hip length and a big chunk in the front is not even chin length, it's like a bob with hip length hair at the back, man I loved my hair! Everyone loved my hair and now I feel so embarrassed because everyone is asking me, what happened? I feel so sad, I'm constantly Googling how long does hair take to grow out but it's so uneven, and that bothers me so much! + +That's why I cut it in the first place because it was slightly uneven and it triggered my OCD, do people who have both bipolar and OCD, know what I mean? Sometimes, my OCD triggers a manic episode, and it's so hard to ignore these silly and persistent thoughts. + +Any advice?",Bipolar +45453,"I just need to put this out there I feel miserable. I'm so sad, I'm sick to my stomach. I'm at the point where I'm disgusted with my own voice. I don't know what thoughts are real anymore. I feel that there are spirits manipulating me, and that they want me to think I'm sick. I feel like meds will only allow them to take over. I feel agitated, and my seroquel is barely helping me sleep. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have nobody to turn to. My family doesn't believe in psychiatric disorders and I'm tired of worrying my SO. I'm not suicidal but I just feel like I can't keep living like this for much too long. I'm just tired. I don't know anyone who's been diagnosed bipolar so it's good to read posts on here that I can relate to. Just needed to vent :/",Bipolar +46342,"Woes of getting in as a new patient I'm just so frustrated, been off meds about a year and a half, been stable, moved to a small city and away from a crappy hospital, but away from from my established medical resources. I called the largest provider here, as of January 17th they're booked into mid April! Place I'm waiting to hear back from is *only* a couple months out, hoping to get in earlier simply because I'm already diagnosed and have records of previous medications. + +I just don't get it, yeah I should have done this sooner, but I was stable, if not slightly elevated, but I'm trying to stay ahead of this before my depression gets deadly serious (2 previous hospitalizations). The second place I called only has one Psychologist and one nurse, I forget the abbreviation but able to prescribe, however I had a bad experience last time with a similar situation, interestingly enough on my second hospitalization I was being cared for by the Dr that had the nurse as his assistant, and he was not too impressed with the meds she had has been trying, as I was not improving, she'd actually prescribed ssri for me and he explained that that is about the last thing I should be taking, anyways. + +It's just so frustrating for me, trying to get the help I need, as much as I had bad side effects from my last meds, I'd rather have them than go through this damn suicidal roller coaster again! + +Thanks for reading and letting me get some of this out. ",Bipolar +46841,"Weight Loss & Bipolar My care provider and I have been talking about weight management for a while. Yes, I put on weight thanks to meds. Slowly but surely I've gone back down to 235 lbs at 68 inches tall. It still isn't healthy for a guy to be at that BMI so we've been talking about realistic strategies for the rest of 2019. This would help contain any comorbidities. + +If you gained weight due to meds, did you feel particularly different when you shed the excess? Did life just roll on? I'm in a place now where I don't think I've been voluntarily photographed for a while just out of fear of how I look to myself and others.",Bipolar +45675,"Manic or depressive affected decision? I accepted a marriage proposal and was so sure and excited about it until my mood calms and turns more to the depressive side. I am doubting myself so much! My relationship looks like a dream when I am in a good mood or manic, and then not when my mood goes to normal (?) (or normal- depressive) or depressive.",Bipolar +46577,Has anyone else been violent when manic? I have on numerous times. I hate to admit but I can be pretty dangerous. I am like an angsty teenager but a lot worse. I can be very weird too. Anyone else?,Bipolar +50623,"I had depression since 13 And I got diagnosed with bipolar when I was 24. + +Is any of you diagnosed with depression kinda stuff during childhood? + +I feel I am the only one and this feels goddamn lonely",Bipolar +50280,"How to ask for alternative treatment? I have been trying new medications for about 5 years now without much luck. Either really bad side effects or no mood improvement, I see my psyc in a week to talk about which one to try next. + +The clinic (according to the website at least) provides Spravato/esketamine treatment. I'm interested in asking him about it because I would like to learn more and I have read so many good things about it. The research is remarkable. I guess I am wondering how to bring it up? This provider is semi new to me- I've been seeing him for about 5 months. The reason I am scared to ask is because I have had other providers get weird when I ask for anxiety meds. + +So, If you have received this treatment before-how did you go about it?",Bipolar +49930,"I dont know what to do anymore TW: SH, drug abuse, suicide attempts, prostetution +I just need to vent this, if any of the content is against any rules i will delete it +English isnt my first language so im sorry for bad grammar + +Ive been struggeling all my live and i cant remember being truly happy. At 8 years old I started to SH, at 9 I first wanted to die. At 11 years old I had my first attempt and my live has been spiraling down ever since. I am now a 16 year old alcoholic and drug addict (kind of) who spent their last year in prostitution for alcohol. My Therapist now recommended that I should get tested for bipolar, cause im showing many signs of it. over a year I waited to get into the process of diagnosing and i can finally start the process. But Im scared, i dont wanna get smth diagnosed that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Im just tired of it all. I wanna get diagnosed so I can get better and stop burdening all my friends and my boyfriend with my problems, but at the same time i dont wanna be diagnosed. I cant really explain it. I wanna get better but at the same time I dont wanna? I wanna get better so I can really live my life and not destroy my body and life at any given minute. I wanna get better so my friends can stop worrying about me. I wanna get better so my mom doesnt need to cry herself to sleep every night because of me. I wanna get better for my boyfriend, cause already after only a month of relationship i feel like im just making his mental health worse cause he spends all his energy worrying about me. But I also dont wanna get better. I want that my mom cries herself to sleep so that she feels what she did to me all those years. I want my friends and boyfriend to worry about me (if that makes sense?). But I mostly dont wanna get better cause im scared. Im scared of becoming stable and really feeling how much happiness of my childhood I missed, how much of my live I threw away. Im scared to know how truly being happy feels like. What do i do? How do i get myself to stop being scared? How do I deal with getting better and realising I threw away my life and that Ill have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life? + +I just needed to get this off my chest and I have no one I can safely talk to about this + +any advice would be helpful, I just dont know what to do anymore.",Bipolar +46804,"why does alcohol turn me into the spawn of satan? I’ve been diagnosed BP2 since 2015. +As the years have gone on, I’ve gotten worse at drinking, and no matter how little I drink, if I drink at all I can feel my emotions get negative. + +The more intoxicated I get these days, the more belligerent and unnecessarily angry I get. I pick fights and make shit up to fight about with my boyfriend. I’m about to kick alcohol to the curb because of how bad it makes my mood swings. + +I can’t be the only one that turns into a complete bitch for no reason when I drink. Thoughts and support I’ll love a lot, because I just don’t get why alcohol affects my bipolar so severely. ",Bipolar +50016,"A Note From My Mother After 3 years of choosing to not speak to my parents and going through a traumatic manic episode, I’m healing that relationship again. + +I was on FaceTime with them a couple days ago and they showed me a note my mother wrote in my baby book. For context my mother was undiagnosed bipolar at the time. + +The line that truly hit me during this writing was: + +“Life is not always kind and is always mysterious” + +Prophetic considering it’s something I feel like we can all relate to. I needed it at that point in time. Maybe my sharing will be something you need to hear as well <3",Bipolar +49509,"Alcohol and sobriety Has anyone had any luck staying sober for a long period of time? +My partner and his family drink often. I really want to stay sober but I feel I won't be fun or the person he met 9 years ago if I don't drink. When I do drink I can black out and or do things I regret and it messes with my stability. How have you handled going to social events sober and still having a good time ?",Bipolar +50483,"Divalproex side effects In the past, I usually have taken abilify and lamictal for my bipolar, but because I’m breastfeeding, I am now taking divalproex. I know most side effects of a new medication wear off in a week or so but these side effects are unbearable. I have like every single one except the ones that tell you to immediately seek medical attention. The nausea and feeling like I’m gonna pass out are the worst ones. I just constantly feel sick. I take it at night to reduce these feelings but I still suffer. Any tips on what I can do to minimize these feelings. It didn’t sound like I had many if any other options while breastfeeding so I want this to work but I can’t feel like this.",Bipolar +46720,"Brain Zaps? (Not on meds) I've been off medication since October, and generally doing really well, really proud of myself. HOWEVER: I've been experiencing infrequent brain zaps (that's all I know how to call them, but they're weird) at night. + + +This happens only when I'm laying down at night, and almost exclusively when I'm in a really bad depressive episode. I get this low humming in my ears (like when you yawn or stretch), and then it builds up really loud for a few seconds. Usually when this happens, I either have really intense hallucinogenic dreams (where sometimes I can't tell if I'm awake or asleep), or I sleepwalk, where I fully remember being conscious, but didn't feel as though I had any control or explanation for my actions. Once I ""woke up"" scrubbing change on my bathroom floor, and didn't know how long I'd been ""out"" for. + +I can tell when this is going to happen because I get nauseous, and it doesn't matter if I'm sleeping on either side or on my back or stomach. It lasts what seems like a few seconds, and then I'm ""good"" for the night (i.e. after the incident I sleep through the night). + +This isn't accompanied by drug or alcohol use, it just seems to happen. Again, almost exclusively when I'm in a bad depressive episode, and only at night when I'm laying in bed. I do have a small history of seizures (I was born with a brain seizure and I've had one other seizure in my life, after my first major manic episode. + +Is this an experience other people have had?",Bipolar +46837,"How to ask for a reasonable accommodation? So basically I’m asking for a reasonable accommodation tomorrow. I work in a job where I have the option to work from home two days a week. Many of the offices in my company work from home three and four, some even five days a week. It’s up to our individual office - mine is two. When I go into the office I start work at 6am and leave my house at 450am which means I’m up at 430am. I get home about 415/430pm. I work 9 hr days. Problem is when I get up so early I fall into a depressive state and want to die. + +My boss is great and I have reason that I’ll be approved for three days work from home - I’m just so nervous. I have no idea how to start the conversation. Any ideas? + +I’ve been here 4.5 years with the same management and my immediate boss knows I’m bipolar. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +50130,"Relationships and Ghosting? I have Bipolar 2 and an important person I've been seeing for quite a while has Bipolar 1. We started matching cycles and sometimes we inevitably trigger each other.I know when to give him space, specifically when he is going through his lows and withdraws from texting and meeting up. Lately, it has been going on for longer than usual, and am getting a little bit worried as it is triggering my depression and my anxiety. As he leaves me on read, I cannot understand if he is ghosting me or if he just needs space. I am willing to give him space for as long as it is needed, but sometimes I do need reassurance as well. I am deeply missing him and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Pieces of advice? I am willing to read anything that can help me understand better the situation as I am fairly new to Bipolar and I barely understand myself sometimes. + +Edit: typo",Bipolar +46247,"I'm trying to create a new podcast: The Mental Health Podcast - I need your suggestions! The Mental Health Podcast is a podcast talking about anything and everything mental health. We're going to take deep dives into various mental health issues faced by people around the world, be sharing opinions and viewpoints of people who struggle from these mental health issues, or just talking about how we have been this week. + +Before I write my first episode (or second; the first would probably be an introduction), I would love to have suggestions on what I should talk about. + +These can be suggestions for deep dives into factual issues (like 'what is depression?', your opinion or viewpoint, your story or anything else. I don't want to narrow the scope too much. + +Please leave your suggestions as a comment! + +https://twitter.com/the_MH_podcast",Bipolar +46898,"Grateful to be doing good This is the first time I’ve remembered World Bipolar Day on the actual day, and I’m just happy to be doing good these days. Last month marks 15 years since I was diagnosed, and I can honestly say life is way better since then. There have been ups and downs (way more depression than mania) and it never completely went away, but I’m feeling solid. I’ve got a support network that kicks ass and I just feel safe. + +It took a while to get here, but I never want to go back. My advice? Stick with the therapy and stay honest. And keep fighting.",Bipolar +46670,Feeling of dread and despair I have an overwhelming feeling of dread right now and I'm barely keeping it together. Im feeling legitly sick right now. I just cant. Plus I think my relationship is ending. My life was going so good. I was so stable. I am learning to leave my problems at the door when I go to work but i just cant deal with my life right now when I have time to think. I'm having these thoughts of stabbing myself. I'm not going to it's just a continuous cycle of these thoughts when I go through this. I can't deal with the dread and my relationship going down the shitter. Ugh ,Bipolar +46677,"Bipolar and ADHD I saw a post from about a year ago about a person taking lamictal and vyvanse along with other things, but I couldn't exactly find what I was looking for. + +&#x200B; + +I've been taking lamictal for a while, but recently stopped taking it because I kept forgetting about it (I know, very bad. I'm back on it now). I've also been on vyvanse/other ADHD meds like adderal for a while as well. Apparently I've been manic recently according to my pdoc, which isn't surprising, so she took me off of vyvanse for the next month until I get my bipolar back in check. She said that stimulants like vyvanse can influence manic bipolar. + +What I was wondering if this was true. I've never had a problem before, and vyvanse helps me concentrate in school. Has anyone else had this experience where stimulates affected their manic-ness?",Bipolar +45912,"Should i ask to be evaluated for spd at my next pdoc appointment? I have an appointment on tuesday. I have reason to believe i have sensory processing disorder. is there any reason to bring it up? will i just be looked at as the annoying self diagnosing patient? I believe my sensory issues are a huge factor in my anxiety , especially in leaving the house and social situations. years ago i tried to tell people i thought i might have aspergers, but i just got laughed at my fam who sees me as a bit of a hypochondriac. maybe i am",Bipolar +50274,"medication troubles i had gotten the genesight testing done (genetic test where it gives some pointers on how your body metabolizes medications), and i’m not too happy with the results. i’ve been on 100mg lamictal for about 5 months, and i’ve been feeling great. i feel like a regular person. +unfortunately, the test showed i have a gene that makes me extremely susceptible to steven-johnson’s syndrome (SJS), the rash that can happen with lamictal (and other mood stabilizers). i’ve never had the rash, but my doctor said i need to stop taking it to be safe. he’s putting me on an anti-psychotic now, which i’m not opposed to, but i’m not happy about the fact that the medication i’m enjoying runs a high risk of a severe rash for me. it’s frustrating, and feels like the uphill battle of finding a good medication just got even higher. +has anyone experienced something like this before?",Bipolar +46199,"Currently obsessing over an ex I’m currently obsessing over an ex. It’s crazy because for the most part I am happily married. We broke up 14 years ago, when He moved and I decided to end our relationship. I’ve also been staying with my mom and helping out with my dad while she’s on vacation. I’m struggling and I miss my husband. I’ll be back home in a week and it can’t come soon enough! Does anyone else struggle with obsessive thoughts. I hate this.",Bipolar +50347,"How do you cope with your past? I want to know how y’all cope with your past, like general traumas and trauma from things that happened to you and things that you did during manic episodes. +I find it hard and have intrusive thoughts about them, I’d love to know how y’all manage these feelings? +Have a great day, everyone. ❤️",Bipolar +50236,"My psychotherapist and my psychiatrist are almost sure I'm bipolar After long three weeks of depression and a total sudden mood elevation that's been going on for a week now, my psychotherapist and my psychiatrist - and actually most of my loved ones, who aren't healthcare workers, even - all think that I have bipolar type 2. My psychotherapist sent me links to educate myself on the topic and now I feel completely UNDERSTOOD? I feel like now much much much of my crises actually make SENSE now?! I thought it was just normal in MDD to have sudden peaks of good mood, uninhibition, hypersexuality, agitation, euphoria, insomnia, energy, you name it. I thought it was normal for people with it, but now as I'm reading about bipolar everything make sense now????!!!!!! I'm so happy to (probably) have found one of my diagnoses, but it is also a lot to unpack and I'll be needing to so some work with myself to stop gaslighting my own thoughts and understand that it's all okay. I've posted about what's going on with my mental health in social media and actually found out that a LOT of my friends and colleagues are bipolar as well, and they understand me so much. At first I was sad because I thought there was no one I could talk to that would understand what I was going through, but speaking what's on your mind can actually help you even reconnect (as I did) with old friendships. I feel a lot more in peace now, and I don't even got a diagnosis yet, but I understand now that what happens with me is common and I'm not alone. Today is my 3rd day with the change of my meds from a MDD treatment to a bipolar one. Still quite hypomanic but I'm positive that everything's gonna be alright in the end. :)",Bipolar +46104,"Getting manic after what I thought was the most stable period of my life post diagnosis I had a terrible, terrible mixed state episode in the Fall and early winter but Zyprexa really stabled me out. I hadn't been that stable in years. I am able to read again and I'm just so happy to be content, if not a little bored and dulled out which was worth it for me. + + + + +I used to like mania but now I don't. It only promises a dark period of time in the fallout. + + + +I'm so angry but most of all I don't know whether or not to reach out to my parents who I still live with. They're so proud of me and every time I have a new episode they are so shocked as if it's never happened before. ""But you were doing so well"" they say, and it makes me want to cry and scream. I feel so guilty. + + + + +I'm trying to finish school and I'm terrified that my stability won't last long and I'll be stuck forever in this crazy up and down up and down. + + + +I'm just so angry and I'm trying to stay off screens and focus on journaling and writing poetry and socializing, but it's still creeping up on me. + + +I hate this and I'm scared.",Bipolar +46978,"Bipolar Disorder rarely shows up alone: some interesting co-morbidity statistics I recently spoke to my psychiatrist about my bipolar disorder improving with treatment, but not my other mental health issues. I let him know how embarrassed I was about the ordeal, because I sometimes feel ashamed about the number of issues I have. He shared with me some statistics that reassured me quite a bit and made me realize I'm not alone. This info helped me find more self acceptance, and I thought it might help some of you as well. + +These statistics come from a public 2008 psychiatry study (n=9282). I'll post the full link below, as well as the specific chart I'm getting these figures from in case you'd rather dig in yourself. Here's some of the statistics that stood out to me: + + * **92%** of people with BD will be deal with another mental disorder + +* **70%** of people with BD will deal with with 3 or more other mental disorders + + * **75%** of people with BD will be deal an anxiety disorder + +* **63%** of people with BD will deal with an impulse control disorder + +* **42%** of people with BD will deal with a substance abuse disorder + +If you ever feel alone because of the multiple issues you're facing, just know you aren't. + +Here's the [table](https://i.imgur.com/8iK9cSS.jpg) where I got these figures from. It breaks down the prevalence for specific disorders, and breaks them down by BD1, BD2 and sub-threshold BD. And here's a link to the [full study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1931566/) + +*Disclaimer*: I don't have a medical background so please let me know if I misinterpreted anything",Bipolar +45443,"Is it a trick of depression to not care about getting better? I just don’t care. I used to want to get better, but right now I don’t care. I could just eat and sleep and drink beer and read books and that’s it. Go on forever, never seeing friends, never accomplishing anything. + +Is this a trick, or am I just fucked up and weird?",Bipolar +46037,"Need Advice About My Mom Hello Reddit, +I'm wondering if anyone in this group may be able to shed any advice from experience about a rough journey my family and I have been going through. + +My mom and I are best friends. We use to talk everyday, until she started a few new medications after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once the medications hit her, she no longer talks to me. No longer answers her phone. She is a lifeless walking panic attack, which was never the case until medication. + +Last May, my mom went through a traumatic experience with her brother almost being killed in Jail. He truly made a miracle of a recovery, but my mom endured a lot of stress from the situation. She went to her psychiatrist who prescribed her Seroquel to help her sleep. It did not help her sleep at all. She went manic in fact. To make a long story short, by the beginning of June she had been involuntarily admitted to the local psych ward on 72 hour hold. During those 72 hours, they took her off seroquel and the anti-depressant Paxil (Paxil she had been prescribed for almost 20 years due to OCD, which had toned down immensely in the past 10 years that she had even had her dosage lowered about 6 years prior to this) and immediately put her on 3mg of Resperidone and 1800mg of Gabapentin. Everything was pretty normal for about 2 months after the new prescriptions, then BAM. She was a completely different person. Zombie-like, unable to take care of herself, a living walking panic attack. It was just awful. Her doctor then only put her on MORE anti-psychotic medications and anti-depressants as well as a benzo. Again, making a long story short.. In September I had spoken to her psychiatrist on the phone during one of her appointments who agreed with me we should taper her off of anti-psychotics. Now fast forward and she has officially been of anti-psychotics for 2 months. She is still prescribed Gabapentin, mirtazapine, and diazepam. She is still in awful shape, but has shown signs on being more cognitive in general. + +I didn't speak with her for over 2 months after Christmas. She didn't want to talk to me, or anyone else at that. I saw her right before Christmas (I live in a different state) and told her I would like to be apart of one of her appointments again over the phone, and she wouldn't let me. She moved in with her boyfriend after this all started, who I feel helps her as much as he hurts her. + +A few weeks ago. our family dog died. She was 14, but the way it happened was super tragic. I talked with my mom the day it happened and she cried! Which was a great sign to me because 3 months before this she told he she couldn't cry if she wanted to She just had no emotion. So I took this as a great sign! I have noticed she no longer has one worded answers, but she can actually respond to the things I'm saying with short responses. So I see very slow improvements. I feel the experience with my dog passing away has opened her up to me a little bit more. I talked with her again about a week after, and just tried to have a normal happy conversation about me coming home for a visit in a couple of weeks and she seemed to act half-way normal again. I want to keep this door open, and open her trust back up to me again so that maybe she will let me try and help her at the doctors office again one day.. How can I keep this door open? How should I approach my mom about trying to help her again at the doctors when I go home in a couple of weeks? I miss my best friend more than anything, and this has been the toughest thing I have ever had to go through. If anyone has any experience dealing with horrible reactions to medications, and overcoming this yourself or with a loved one. Any advice would be appreciated. + +P.S. I probably skipped over a lot of details, so please don't hesitate to ask questions!",Bipolar +46400,"Once again I screwed up So I woke up this morning and I started to argue with my wife over every thing, I blamed her for my unhappiness. I started telling her what's really going on in my head, like how I just wanted to say screw my job, my house, my life. I went to see doc yesterday. And told her the meds are no longer working so she added lithium. We get back and my wife is mad because I wanted to try something else, I finally tell her I have been thinking of ending it, that's why I wanted new meds. We yell and scream then she leaves. I try and call and all she does is scream at me. Now don't get me wrong I started the fight because I am toxic toward her. I just needed to vent some where. ",Bipolar +46195,"Vivid Nightmares I’ve had bad dreams since I can remember. I have journals from when I was 8 describing my nightmares. Consistently 5 nights out of the week. They flare and will be worse sometimes. Lately, the past few weeks, they’ve become unbearable. Screaming in my sleep, waking up crying or hyperventilating. More concerning, I often have 3-5 min upon waking where I do not realize I’m awake and I feel that it is very real and absolutely what is happening. + +I had a bout of post partum depression early in the year but have adjusted my meds and my day to day has been overall much better. Obviously, the holidays are stressful for most but I feel that I handled it normally. I am terrified to fall asleep at night. I usually take sleeping medicine and have found they are absolutely worse when I do not take it. I figured out it’s not as bad when I take my lamictal in the morning; but never the less, they come every night. + +Obviously, this is part of my life that I can’t seem to shake, but I can’t understand why it’s been SO much worse lately. My question: do you have constant nightmares? Does this just come with the illness? Is it my anxiety dragging into the night? Is there ANYTHING I can do? + +Meds: Lamictal (13 yrs) Xanax (10 yrs as needed, haven’t taken in a month) Ambien (10 yrs) Vyvanse (5 months) + +",Bipolar +49825,"How does your living situation effect you? Hello, I walked out of my apartment door this morning and almost stepped on a homeless man who appeared to be high sleeping in my hallway. I also assume he got the drugs from the dealer on the second floor, I digress... I am bipolar my income is limited but I wonder if it what life would be like living in one of those apartment complexes with amenities. The mental health of those around me is not good and I am curious on how big of a role this plays on someone recovering?",Bipolar +50240,"Disability Hi all I just wanted to announce that I’m applying for disability for the first time. Was just looking for anyone to shed some light on this process and tell me the good, the bad, the ugly. Thanks in advance",Bipolar +46704,"Hey guys I have a question about voices. I've had hallucinations before where you hear external voices, in my case when it was really bad it was demons talking through my sister and my dad to me that they were going to do awful things to them. + +BUT I'd had this thing throughout the years of a demon sitting on my shoulder planting bad thoughts into my head. And then the other side was combating it. Is this considered Intrusive Thoughts or is it a hallucination too? Or is it a combo of Intrusive Thoughts and delusions? ",Bipolar +47041,"Posting here for the first time I'm a 24 year old guy with a history of depression and anxiety which I've gotten much more under control, but I've definitely developed bipolar tendencies. I'd call it more cyclothymia than anything, the depression isn't too bad and the mania isn't too insane anymore, but they're there. Just wanted to post. Thanks.",Bipolar +46243,"How do you deal with and sit through intense emotions? I'm a reactive person and I usually end up doing something self-destructive. + +When I'm feeling something INTENSE, it's usually not possible for me to talk to somebody, or 'run a bubble bath' as self-help people would have you do. + +What are some things you all do?? To prevent yourself from coping in negative ways...",Bipolar +45818,"Where and What next? Hi. I've had ongoing mental health problems for the past 20 years. For the bulk of it, it was assumed to be depression. I went from Effexor to something else and then to Citalopram. + +Recently...well over the past 8 years really, my behavior and moods have deteriorated. It destroyed two jobs and one long term relationship. I had a full psychotic breakdown complete with hallucinations over the weekend. That was my personal breaking point, where I was able to finally admit it could be more than depression. I went to the doctor that day rather than wait til monday like I planned. I am now on anti-psychotics and am waiting to hear back from a specialist, but based on everything he's heard, I most definitely have bipolar. + +My lover is no longer my lover. We had been together for many years. She says she still wants to be friends with me, but I do not believe she will be able to do so as I worry she won't ever be able to see past my behaviors while being improperly treated. I did not cheat on her, but I was verbally abusive, absurdly egotistical and prone to addiction and believing positively bonkers things. Now we're trying to move to separate places. I still love her, but I have to let go as I do not think she will ever feel positively towards me due to my actions or the fear that I might relapse while taking this new medication. + +My questions are as follows: + +* Work and Affording an apartment. How the heck do I do it? I'm working as a moving helper in Canada. That isn't exactly steady work here, but I hadn't been able to concentrate well enough for better previously. Can I apply for disability or some form of assistance while I adjust to the meds and new diagnosis, at least until I'm stable enough to work regularly to earn my rent/bill money? + +* Relationships. My family that I had previously abandoned have actually been quite supportive after coming to terms with what I am personally. My wife (common law), is no longer my wife. I do not think she will ever forgive me for the hurt I caused, and I do not believe I may expect her to. How do I move on? Right now I'm trying hard to find answers and to stay busy as I can. I no longer drink (been sober for 5 months now), smoke or game online (gambling on those stupid chance boxes in mobile games, more addictive than you might suspect.). ",Bipolar +45810,"Does anyone have a good recommendation for a mood tracking app/website? My new psychiatrist and I are working on tapering some of my medications down from years with other doctors. I've been weaned off one with good results, and he suggested a slight decrease in my lithium. I'm all for the change, but I really want to go a mood tracking app/website between now and my next appointment in a few months so I know for sure I'm making the right choice. + +I'd like to find one where I can write a brief synopsis of my day (stressors, good things, what happened), combine it with period tracking, and maybe a rating of my day, like 4 out of 5 stars kind of thing. And hopefully be able to see a graph over time. + +This may be asking a lot, but I only see print out stuff or simple day ratings. Thank you in advance.",Bipolar +45394,"What birth control are you on? I tried an IUD but it came out after a traumatic assault. I was taking microgestion but even at the lowest dose of hormones I had a bad reaction. Yet some how depo provera doesn't affect my mood, but I absolutely hate not having my period. + +Huff. + +I hate condoms, I don't even trust them. I'm on the fence about getting fixed, not even sure Medicaid would cover it anyway. + +What's a girl to do? + +If it matters any I was not on any birth control after getting on lamictal, which is my only script and I've been doing -amazingly- well on it. ",Bipolar +49962,"My cats sick and my behaviours are weird So my cat needs to visit the vets, it's all booked in, I'm really upset but he's going to be fine with the correct treatment/ plan. + +My behaviour is really confusing me though. So obviously I'm spiralling a little, feeling super anxious and emotional. I've recently had what my psych calls 'paranoia'. Fears of my house being burnt down, people dying. So I've been making sure the house is safe etc. However I've started obsessing over it more now that I'm stressed. Usually I only take extra precautions if I'm leaving the house, now I'm walking around switching everything off while at home, or immediately after my partner has used something like the microwave. + +Has anyone else experienced anything like this?",Bipolar +47079,"Lamictal and Long term Eye Damage Is anyone else terrified of the possible long term eye damage from taking Lamictal? Everywhere I search it says that permanent damage is unknown. Lamictal has made me have bad photosensitivity and an eye that sometimes turns inward. +Has anyone been advised to stop taking Lamictal due to being on it for an extended period of time, especially due to the risks of permanent eye problems? +It makes me upset that this maybe a possibility and that I will have to go through the hardships of finding something else that works in the near future.",Bipolar +46663,"Where I end and bipolar begins: passion? I'm not sure when I began having bipolar symptoms. But for most of my life, I've been very cyclic. I don't think I was stable for most of my adolescence. It is very scary for me to look back on my life. And think of how most of the times I really felt like MYSELF were when I was most likely manic. + +I used to be very goal-oriented, loved to learn, passionate about my hobbies. Just passionate, passionate, passionate. +But not always. I would slip into depressive phases and either lose interest in things or stop entirely. + +When I think of myself, I think of someone is incredibly passionate. But that doesnt describe me at all. I feel like a husk who used to be someone. I still like the same things. But I never learn, or do anything anymore. + +I used to write essays for fun. I used to practice Japanese religiously. I used to be so passionate. + +The scary thing is. I think my passion and vigor was never me. It was mania. + +I'm scared that I was never anything but manic or depressed. I'm scared that's all I'll be. Or a husk. + +The only moments where I feel like myself are when I'm passionate and working hard. But I haven't felt a single flicker of that passion since I had my manic episode. + +I just feel blank. Sometimes depressed. Sometimes stable. Mostly bored. And I'm scared to feel passion sometimes. Because then...its mania. It must be mania. + +I dont know how to separate who *I* am from bipolar disorder. Is the me that I appreciate just my manic self? Is this passionless, semi-depressed, stay at home, jobless, college drop out...ME? + + +TL;DR: My identity is being passionate, being hardworking, a love of learning. I'm scared the past me was just manic and that I will never have that kind of passion again (unless manic). What separates ME from bipolar? I am currently a husk of my old self.",Bipolar +45570,"Bipolar and Shift Work...thoughts please Hi i understand that its not the best idea to work shifts like a 2 day ,then 2 over night then 4 days off. But i need to do this for my job. If i stay on my lithium and use other drugs as needed like sleeping pills or antipsychotics to make sure i sleep after backshifts i think ill be fine. Keep in mind i will be very carful of getting the rest is need and that after the 2 backshift i will have 4 days off. So in total of 8 days only 2 of them i will be working overnight. + +Also keep in mind that i have been working a 6am start shift every second week and 10am the next week for 5 years and get up at 5am for that somtimes after only 4 or 5 hours sleep and have done fine. + +It seems to be mostly getting stressed and not taking meds drinking too much coffee or drinks that has cause me problems in the past + +Thoughts please + +",Bipolar +50083,"Irritability in relationships Hey everyone & happy Saturday 🫶🏼 I hope you’re taking care of yourselves. + +I’ve been struggling a LOT with irritability lately. I can still control myself but I pick up arguments with my parents, I get mad and annoyed easily and it’s starting to affect my relationship to my bf as well. I don’t want to ruin anything because I really care about the people in my life. I am self aware and I know that I need to work on it but I’d like some insight or some advice from fellow bipolar people. Thanks a lot 💜",Bipolar +46832,"I can’t wait to feel like a god again... My mania state is very odd. I become extremely self confident and I just feel like I’m unstoppable. And then I crash, hard. I think I’m currently on my up and I’m making a lot of changes in my life. + +I can’t wait to feel on top of the world and hopefully these meds will keep me there. + + +I have just recently been diagnosed with bipolar 1 and I must say I’m terrified of what’s to come. I’m praying this brings my confidence back in myself. I can’t take another crash. I know for a fact I won’t make it out of it. + +Good luck, everyone . ",Bipolar +45906,"I'm planning to end my life in August. At least now I know why i'm like this. Eating disorder, childhood trauma, abusive relationship, toxic work environment, lots of hard drug abuse 25 year later a psychiatrist finally tells me I have bipolar disorder. Feels like a lot of things suddenly click and fall into place. Why I get so restless and high energy, and so hyper focused on sex or cleaning or things like that, just to crash into nothingness. Why I always feel torn into multiple pieces. Why I can't cope with work, why i'm alone, I have no friendships, why I hate looking at myself in the mirror. + +The diagnosis doesnt change my plans for the Summer but at least now I feel a little less like a lost fish drowning, especially reading things other people wrote and how I can relate to it. Sorry if some of this sounds weird, my English is weird today + +My favorite sub got deleted today so I just wanted to share somewhere. Thanks + +",Bipolar +45930,"Seroquel to Depakote ? Hi guys... + +I have taken alot of medications nothing worked but seroquel.. but the weight gain is so bad and the fatigue. I've tried lamictal (got the death rash), tradozone, paxil, prozac, zoloft & more. My other physician suggested genesight and the only medication compatible with me is seroquel.. (allergic to others i've taken). + +My psychiatrist picked depakote 500mg delayed release for me.. any of you had good or bad experience with it? I'm so done with medications.. I wish I didn't have bipolar.... if I can do it without medications I would.. feeling hopeless is just bad. + +",Bipolar +46680,"Gabapentin good? For those on Gabapentin, or who’ve been on it before, did it work well for you? Also, what’s your daily dosage? Thanks ",Bipolar +46313,"Could psychiatrists diagnose teens with bipolar back in the late 90s / early 2000s? Hey, so I just crashed into depression hard and fast and it got me thinking, when I was a teen and obviously showing signs of bipolar, my parents would threaten to send me to a psychiatrist if I didn't smarten up. I always told them ""yes send me please I need help"" in fewer words and they would punish me. What I'm wondering is, would it have done any good? I'm currently feeling extremely bitter towards them for not getting me the help I obviously needed, setting me back years and resulting in a failed career, but is that bitterness justified? + + + +Thanks for any input you guys can provide",Bipolar +45755,"Finally found the right medication cocktail ?? I'm so happy and I just wanted to share. After years of misdiagnoses and bad meds, I finally found the right ones! I feel like myself again! It has effected my sex drive but I'm working on that. But all and all I feel stable and happy! I wish the best for all of you and don't give up! So the right combo is out there for you! #stopthestigma",Bipolar +49973,Issues with oral health after medication Has anybody had any problems with oral health from your meds? I developed a chronic mouth pain and no tests can solve what’s the reason for that. A dentist suggested it may be linked to meds.,Bipolar +46533,"Experiencing a mixed episode for the first time This episode has been going on for two and a half weeks now. I can’t eat or sleep. I’m so exhausted, there’s so many emotions I am going through in one day and it’s getting so hard. + +My therapist has put me on Prozac to help me get used to the Lamictal which I was put on mid-December. + +I don’t know how to reach out to my friends or family either. I’ve tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but i just feel as if he doesn’t know what to say or how to deal with it, which is okay because bipolar is so hard to understand (I don’t even understand it tbh..) I just feel unsupported by everyone in my life right now. Anyone I’ve supported and been there for has pretty much dropped me and don’t really talk to me when things get bad. + +I’m just so exhausted and I just want one day where I’m not going through a million emotions. I’m so tired. I just want to turn off for a while. I’m so tired.",Bipolar +49682,"is this masking? I was spending time with a friend today, felt totally normal and good in the conversation, im very close to her and feel very comfortable. then one of our other friends came over that i’m still comfortable with, but not as comfortable and I noticed it wasn’t as “easy” for me. It felt like I was trying so hard to be present, that I wasn’t present. Like I was putting so much energy into having energy and smiling and being engaged but I wasn’t. I felt off, weird, and robotic. + +I feel like this happens a lot to me whenever I hang out with other people who aren’t my usual group of 3 friends, even if I am “comfortable” with them. Or even sometimes in group settings when I can’t keep up with the energy of the group or my energy is too big in the group, but not so much one on one. + +Any idea why this is happening to me? Is this masking?",Bipolar +46919,"5 years Today marks 5 years without being inpatient, which is a huge achievement for me. I spent a lot of time inpatient as a young adult. I probably spent more time as an inpatient than out between 17-19 years old, and then in and out for years after that. I've had some close calls with manic episodes but I've managed to keep things from getting to the point where it's a crisis. + +I'm proud of myself! It also marks 5 years of keeping the same career choice which is another huge one for me. I used to flip flop and jump from job to job so much. I'm glad I was finally ablation to find something I enjoyed, which probably helped keep my episodes from being as serious as before. + +You can do it! It's possible, even if things seem bleak. 12 years ago I tried to kill myself and was ready to die and even though sometimes those feelings return I know it's just the bipolar and not me.",Bipolar +45730,"Lowering the doses of my meds, fairly mild triggers For most of my life I have been on huge doses of a lot of medications which made me slow, clumsy, and stupid. I am not like any of those things naturally. + +I have been terrified of changing anything because it almost always leads to suicidal urges and self harm. When my previous psychiatrist changed me from risperdal to geodon I had a manic episode that lasted several months. I ended up in the hospital, 5150, suicide attempt, lots of cutting. When she put me on serroquel, I had such bad vertigo and extreme sedation that I stumbled into a wall and broke my nose. + +I changed to a new psychiatrist about 3 months ago. She wanted to to start reducing my meds. I was willing to try because of the effing side effects and also the fact that the meds don't begin to control my symptoms. + +We lowered lamictal waaaay too fast, long story. I was off it for about 2 weeks after taking 400mg a day for many years. I just went nuts when it was all out of my system. I felt suicidal urges that seemed uncontrollable and like I might try, though it was against my will. I cut myself up. My dearest husband has worked from home for the last 3 weeks, keeping me safe. + +I'm now on 100mg of lamictal and I'm hypomanic. I feel awesome. Everything has calmed down and this dose feels good. + +I'm more alert and I have some energy. I'm scared about what it will be like to reduce some of my other meds, but I want to do it. + +Has anybody else had trouble changing meds or doses of meds? Is my body just freaky? These last few weeks have been hell. Sorry this is so long!",Bipolar +46160,"Hey, I’m new here! I just wanted to ask some questions. Does anyone go through the whole ‘range’ within a few weeks? Ie, a (I presume) brief period of hypo/mania, to the depressive stage, to anxious to eventually ‘normal’ to then swing back round to it all? I’m in denial, and don’t want anything to be wrong. I’ve had from what I remember in the past, two massive depressive periods - the childhood one I can’t remember too much about it. The last one, I was physically ill with it. My mil likes to remind me of how my body was ‘here’ I most definitely was not. Any manic episodes I have managed to keep myself in check, but this is I presume the anxiety’s doing. I have an irrational fear of repercussions, (that and a poor credit rating) and normally contain it to getting new pets or some other thing that is a huge distraction. If I had access to money, I dread to think. + +Drinking, I can go where I literally want to drink ALL the time, to never wanting to touch it, I also get suicidal after drinking (a bit like how you feel after a manic episode, where you just think what a d**k you’ve made of yourself, and the shame over what you’ve done, well, what you remember anyway) + +I still don’t know a lot about this illness, (only recently been referred) I see the mental health team every week, but I kept fobbing them off when bipolar was mentioned ‘I’m not bipolar!’ And for anyone from the UK, we pretty much only have Stacey from eastenders as point of reference *facepalm* . I never act out on suicidal thoughts, (health anxiety there too). + +Also, does anyone ‘forget’ a lot? Eg, I literally washed and changed my daughter (she’s 1 1/2) and literally 5 mins after, I couldn’t remember what all I did.. did I change her nappy? Did I wash her? Did I brush her hair (for that one, I can see her hair has been brushed, but I can remember doing it) I forget if I have eaten, went to the toilet. + +Work, I struggle so much. I get anxious over it, I can’t face them when I go back after being off sick. The looks I’m given, the questions as to why I was off and if I’m feeling better (all in good heart) but I get so ashamed I can’t manage. I struggle to get up and ready to go in. When I’m there I struggle with deadlines, and adherence - everything is timed. I accidentally got a new job, in a completely different sector, where I’m looking after people with dementia. How Can I actually look after people when I can barely manage to look after myself? I’m treading water, and poorly. I’ve four kids, (the elder three are teens) and they’ve to help me so much, as my partner. I’m terrified of another massive depressive episode as before as I CANNOT spend another year or more ‘not here’ I struggle talking to doctors about this, so will be glad when I finally meet the clinical psychologist who’s been assigned to me. + +Also, cbt, doesn’t seem to work anymore :( i can’t take hold of my thoughts, which in turn make dealing with them impossible.. + +Whoops, sorry for the dissertation here! ",Bipolar +46742,"I have to stop reading bpd/lovedones I'm not saying all groups are like that but there is one in particular that is almost a hate group, the reason I read it is to see if I can identify things that I might do wrong and oh boy we are monsters to them I wish I could tell them that we aren't trying to hurt anyone but who I am to upset them even more I understand they want to vent and they have every right but I do need to stop reading cause it just makes me want to keep my head down and not engage. I just need to tell myself that I'm medicated now and try to be self aware of other's feelings as much as I can.",Bipolar +45828,"Lamictal Withdrawal Experiences Hi there. I've been trying to find out about people's experiences getting off Lamictal. I've been on a road getting off meds for a while now, with the doc's approval. I got off some clonazepam and then moved on to Lamictal. As I mentioned, I've gotten off things before, but this last one really has me freaked out. It's been 5 weeks, and I'm still exhausted. It's not every day, but most days, and I get dizzy still. It just seems with everything else that I've gotten off of, that given some time, you have a slope effect of things generally getting better over time. This is the first time where if it is the withdrawals, it doesn't seem to be getting better (as quickly as I would think) and kind of getting worse. + +I'm looking into other things, such as Lyme (which actually could be a possibility) but was wondering if anyone else had a case of a longer withdrawal time with Lamictal, or something that you thought was harder than you might have thought in the first place? Or just any thoughts? It's really dragging me down. I'd really appreciate it, and hope that everyone is feeling well! + +Thanks, and take care.",Bipolar +49493,"Living a fulfilling life despite bipolar I really could use some success stories. Are you diagnosed yet still feel like your life is good, well balanced and you find it fulfilling? Tell me all about it please. I really need to hear some positive life stories",Bipolar +46448,"Please give me advice on anti-psychotic options etc I don't want to make this to long. I have tried so many different anti-psychotic over the last 10 years. Although some have worked great for me, I have had such bad side effects that I have had to get off. I'm currently taking 400 of lamictal and have an appointment Wednesday to add another anti-psychotic. I'm having such a hard time with this because I desperately want a new doctor but have to be on long waiting lists to switch. I have already tried Abilify. Geodon Risperdal. Seroque and latuda and none of these worked for me. The only other pill I know I have been recommended was one called Saphris and I took it one time and my entire mouth went numb. I know going on reddit to get medication advice might be the silliest thing ever but because I'm on a waiting list for a new doctor I'm desperate for advice. Thank you all very much.",Bipolar +46801,"Fighting the stigma against medicating mental illness so people like me don't wait forever to get help Hey there! I'm bipolar and have had a lot of success with lamotrigine, but it took me a really long time to start taking it because there's such an intense stigma around medicating mental illnesses. I kind of assumed I would lose all sense of self if I took them, and I wish I didn't have that feeling for so long (over a decade). + +So I started up a project called Wear Your Meds recently to try and help other people not feel that way. Basically it's a series of 1"" buttons, and each button shows a commonly-prescribed mental illness medication. Anyone who wears one of these buttons is signaling that they’re open to sharing their personal story of how the medication helped. It's also a show of solidarity because sometimes it can feel like no one else you know is on meds. I'm hoping some people on here would be into it. More info is at wearyourmeds.com",Bipolar +49945,"antipsychotics seem like a bit much been depressed for a while, had first ""manic"" episode a few months ago but doesn't seem that intense compared to other people's here. I was on an SNRI at the time that my psychiatrist stopped. + +now I'm in full depression again, but he wants to put me on antipsychotics and I feel like that's a lot/dont wanna do it especially considering the side effects!! + +but SNRI's are off limits because of triggering the mania, SSRIs and Wellbutrin haven't worked, I'm on lamictal and that hasn't worked, kind of running out of options. + +I'd rather go unmedicated than doing the antipsychotics (Abilify in this case). I don't feel like I'm ""psychotic,"" even in my mania it was barely psychotic--feeling like I could feel objects emotions. + +I started crying in the psychiatry office because I feel so bad about myself that nothing works for me and also that I might have to take some drug that leads to decreased brain volume and weight gain, hair loss, dementia, Parkinson's, etc. + +So: at what point do antipsychotics actually become necessary?? + +note: I'm not asking for medical advice, just people's experiences",Bipolar +50176,"Having difficulty connecting with others I've never had issues making friends growing up but ever since the onset of my illness, I've had trouble connecting with other people. I feel like an outcast around people and feel like others don't want to get to know me once they talk to me. A lot of times I'm very quiet around people because I don't know what to say. I just had a group project assignment at college the other day and I didn't say a word and just stared at my computer because I didn't have anything to say. I felt anxious and couldn't think with so many people in class talking out loud. I feel like a loser and I'm not sure if this is part of my depression/social anxiety but I hope I can connect with others one day like I used to.",Bipolar +49939,"I told my therapist today that I think I'm probably bipolar. I have actually been diagnosed like three times. Oh geez. I don't want to be bipolar, no one does, so you just like deny it. There's literally nothing valuable about this. I'm nearly unintelligible, no one can understand me. And obviously people know. My brain is telling me the solution is to be a standup comic. I'm not actively suicidal but I fantasize about not dealing with it. I was okay for like 8 years. Fuck. When does it stop? I'm going to ask for meds but I really do not want to. I do not want to be this.",Bipolar +45801,"The Lithium struggle bus I have fluctu-weighted many times in my life, but I was by far the fattest towards the end of 2017. I've been steadily shedding pounds but a couple of weeks ago I started taking Lithium again. And while it's helped the mania, as of yesterday I've entered a new world of despair about my body: +So this past weekend I suddenly put on (at least) 10 pounds of water weight after binge eating socially and consuming hella sodium (I wish I could sue myself). I was also dehydrated because I'd been vomiting from the startup. My body quickly blew up like a balloon, my favorite sweatpants even became tight. I was uncomfortably bloated all over (I think the more fat you have, the more water you retain). Including my face-- which felt heavy & the bags under my eyes were dark as hell. +So last night I drank a LOT of water, thinking that would fix it. But it only made everything worse. I peed ~10,000 times then went to bed. This morning I woke up and was pleasantly surprised with how tiny I looked. However, then I realized that my boobs looked different. They're still heavy, but squishier and hang a little lower. And my stomach is squishier. I can barely feel fingers against my skin now. My face has more wrinkles, my neck/chin curve feels loose. I feel like I've aged years overnight. +I fluctuated a net amount of at least 20 pounds in 2 short days, quickly up then back down. And now my skin is stretched too big for my body!?? If it is this loose already, I'm terrified to keep losing weight. I know it happened so fast. Freshman + sophomore year I was so thin and beautiful and taut. :( Im a senior now, so I was already feeling shitty before this happened. Feels like I've lost myself. Who is this bitch in the mirror with the body of a postpartum mother of quintuplets....???? I've never come close to having a kid, let alone 5. Yet here I am. And I don't know if I should try to fill back out a lil or what? +Or does anyone have experience like this? I'm in despair.",Bipolar +46656,"To be bipolar & legally recognized as disabled or not: pros & cons? I am pretty stable on meds right now and could probably pass as not having a disability. The exception is if I need to take time off in the future for breakout episodes that would put me over my vacation/sick day allowance. In that case I assume I need to use ADA accommodations. + +I was talking with my pdoc the other day and I asked about the national parks access pass for people with disabilities and she said something along the lines of I need to decide if I want to be considered legally disabled because that could bite me in the butt one day. + +I know on my job licensing application it asks if I have any conditions that affect my ability to practice veterinary medicine. I said no because I don't think that this disorder will affect my medical judgement. Anyway, I will take time off before it gets to that point. But at the same time I might need to take more time off than I have available in my contract if I have breakout episodes. But there is already an example of this potential problem. + +Does anyone know the pros and cons of legally having a disability in the context of bipolar disorder?",Bipolar +46998,"Doc told me to discontinue and I feel awful! Achy all over, the shits, periods of panic and depression. All within a week of the first reduction. Seems like discontinuation syndrome, but I’ve only been on 50mg sertraline for the last two years. When will this end (based on experience)?!",Bipolar +50214,"what does your depressive episode look/feel like? for me it feels like an entire lifetimes worth of depression, low self worth, is compressing itself into a few hours/days. i can’t stop crying, i can’t laugh, i can’t smile or anything. i feel nothing and everything all at once x10.",Bipolar +50556,"Clean and taking my meds. I took y'all's advice, started taking my meds, quit cocaine. In a much better head space. 3 weeks clean. Thank you. I knew what to do but needed to be told to do it. +Edit: I also got a job!",Bipolar +46711,"My attention span has plummeted to almost nothing. After a year of trying I finally finished a book! I used to be an avid reader, among other attention intensive hobbies, but as my illness has progressed I’ve lost all ability to concentrate it seems. I bought Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” last February on a recommendation and because I knew it was relatively short. After literally just over a year of struggling to try to read it I’ve finally finished! It was incredibly frustrating because it really was a fascinating and hilarious read, but I just couldn’t for the life of me focus long enough to retain anything. Even though it took me a stupidly long time to complete It still feels like a pretty big accomplishment and I just wanted to share! + +Side note: I’d highly recommend ""Wishful Drinking"" to anyone reading this. Carrie’s retelling of her life is bittersweet in the best way possible. Her humor in addressing the problems she faced was really relatable and refreshing. Though, as you probably guessed from the title, the whole thing is basically one giant trigger warning.",Bipolar +46723,"Lithium covering depression? I took some time off from my therapist (6 months) but found myself having a hard time again so I went back. + +I’ve been on lithium for 7 years and it saved my life. Before then, 15 years of intense suicidality. Lithium raised me out of it and I haven’t had a depressive episode like I used to in at least 5 years. I’ve struggled with hypomania, but honestly it’s just too much of a good thing. I’m pretty happy and stable, comparatively. + +But now I’ve got dysphoria - I feel hugely fat, but I’m 6 feet tall and I weigh 145lbs. No sex drive at all. A lot of dissociation. + +My therapist thinks I might have depression but it doesn’t feel like that because I’m used to being really sad and suicidal when I’m depressed. She thinks maybe lithium is masking those symptoms, so it’s coming out in other ways. + +She also thinks I’ve been on lithium too long. I am very sensitive to meds, had horrible experiences on a lot of other drugs. I really don’t want to change meds. So I’m wondering if any of you have experienced anything like this, and what you did. + +Thanks in advance.",Bipolar +50116,"unloved I feel like I’m too hard to love. I’m in my late 20s, and I have bp II. I’ve been medicated and going to therapy regularly for years but I still have mood swings etc. i thought I managed it well? I’m a lesbian and I try really hard to make relationships work but in the end I’m always too much. I even escaped an abusive one. It hurts so badly. Especially when i think about the fact that in multiple relationships, when my partners were going through their depressions (not bipolar but reg depression) I held them down, to the point of putting their needs and feelings above my own and neglecting myself (which I now know is unhealthy). And then they get better..But the second I start struggling I’m “too much” and they don’t know if they can do it. It’s frustrating because I’m really upfront about the fact that I have bp II and they’ll say it doesn’t matter etc but when the symptoms show up they bail. If you ask my exes or anyone I’ve dealt with romantically 9 times out of 10 they’ll describe me as sweet/bubbly and one said I was amazing. But if that’s true why can’t they love me. I just want to be loved. I want to get married one day and maybe have a child and live happily ever after but I feel like that’ll never happen for me or it won’t last because I’ll have an episode and everything will be ruined.",Bipolar +49815,"i feel like things are too “fine” and need to get off my medication i feel like something big is gonna happen and i’m not gonna be prepared. i don’t have the strong emotions happening right now and i don’t know what to do with myself. i feel uneasy. my brain feels somewhat calm. + +i know if i get off my medication i will become manic and i know it’s bad and i hurt myself and spend hours sobbing and calling 988 and other hot/warm lines. + +i’m feeling the urge to self harm which i know won’t be a one time thing for the next few weeks or even longer. i feel like something bad is gonna happen and i need to do it to myself for control. + +i haven’t known i was bipolar during my last manic episode so now i want to trigger one and get off my medication for a week or 2 + +i don’t know what to do, help.",Bipolar +49568,"Help, I’m tired of it all Before I get into this, I know I was an asshole and I regret it so much that I’m crying. That’s why I’m here to ask so I don’t have to be judged by people I know. + +I’ve been fine for a while, surprisingly, considering I’ve been off my meds for a while. But yesterday was rough. I was starting to feel depressed and numb again so I did everything I could to keep it at bay. I went out, I tried to do hobbies, spend some time outside. But then my anxiety and paranoia started setting in. I feel like I was being watched and veery sound the woods made freaked me out. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to go inside and go to bed. + +Something to note, I’ve been off my meds but just recently realized I was a fucking idiot and am moving back onto them. For context of the next day, I took some hydroxyzine last night to help me calm down and sleep. I tend to wake up a bit groggy but it fades. + +But today i’ve felt horrible. I’ve been depressed, irritable, paranoid, I just don’t want to be here anymore dealing with it. +I have a dog and because of our house set up, I have to spend all day in the dining room with dining chairs and tile floor. No where to lay down. So I laid on the floor. Earlier I had been throwing a toy for my dog but stopped because my energy felt so low. + +As I was lying there, she kept nipping at my heels and barking when I told her to stop. Finally, my anger boiled over and I yelled at her. I said awful things to her that I don’t want to repeat, even to strangers on the internet. I put her in her crate and went to the bathroom to take a bath and calm down. I feel so awful about it and I hate feeling like this and hurting others. My medicine is supposed to help me but as soon as I started taking it again, this happened. + +Help.",Bipolar +50298,Struggling Accepting Diagnosis Does anyone else have any experience with this? I always suspected I was bipolar but since being diagnosed a year ago I’m finding it harder to accept that it’s true. Any tips?,Bipolar +50012,"I’m just so scared and don’t know what to do I’m not sure how many people will read this, but I really need some help or kind words. I’m in a depressive state and haven’t had a manic episode in over two years now. (Some hypomania but nothing too concerning). + +I’ve been having a hard time with work recently. After finding this community I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one with trouble holding down a job. + +I have a relatively high paying job for my area that allows me to live at least paycheck to paycheck with one pay period worth in my savings. I guess I don’t really know where to start, but I just can’t work my job anymore. I have this horrible depression and the job itself is very difficult. I have FMLA for my mental health and can take up to 2 days off per week and also have time off for appointments. I’m finding myself needing more and more time off, unpaid, and I don’t know what to do. + +I applied for a much lower paying job, but I feel like it will be much better for my mental health. + +I’m just so upset and defeated, I don’t know if I’ll start this new job in a good mental state, if I even get it. + +I’ve considered short term disability because I just feel like I can’t stand a single more day working my current job. I just want to cry the whole time. I feel like such a failure. + +I’m looking into doing a year longDBT program. It was recommended by both my therapist and psychiatrist. + +I’m just having such a hard time making decisions. I know I need to leave this job. I feel like my body and mind is screaming out for help. It’s causing me physical symptoms like nausea and vomiting, migraines, panic attacks. + +Please if you have any advice at all, I will appreciate it.",Bipolar +49582,"Urge to trigger mania I recently had the most intense manic episode of my life and went on a whirlwind of euphoria, rage, etc... I had to miss work several days because I couldn't handle it and my mind was racing constantly. I'm relatively sure it was caused by me taking a few adderall pills (not sure how much or the mg) because that's when everything started. I crashed super hard and I'm so tired now and can't even indulge in my passions. When I was manic, I was able to draw for 12 straight hours and then go to work the next day without even sleeping. I can't even pick up a pencil now and I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to be able to do that again and it's making me want to buy some adderall from a friend of mine but I know that it's not gonna do me any good in the end. I just wish I could do the things I like to do and not feel like shit - I miss being on top of the world. + +I'm probably not gonna do it because I do remember how fucking horrible it was feeling so much all the time like that but god I miss the good parts. Hope anyone can relate to this lol",Bipolar +50039,"I felt better for the 10 years I didn't take meds. Now I'm just getting depressive episodes on meds Yes, I'm in a down right now. I can't focus, my motivation is terrible at home and at work, my energy is low, my memory is bad, I've been irritable to those that love me. Work is piling up and the house is starting to get messy. This is stressing me out. It's Sunday and I haven't got anything done yet. + +I always think about the time between my big first episode and my 2nd one, when I was able to function perfectly fine without meds. I was happier. I didn't fall into deep depressions every few months. I didn't have mania or psychosis. Bipolar didn't really exist then. + +Is this just the price to pay for medication that will prevent a major psychosis or mania? If it is, I don't think I can keep it up.",Bipolar +45972,"My math professor gave me a chance to catch up and take my midterm on 4/3; I've been trying to but any advice? I was honest with my professor, told her my medical issues and diagnosis. Admitted if I took the midterm I'd fail, and would like to request extra time. She's wonderful. Next week is spring break, I have until April 3rd. + +**Can't focus on studying, always tired, have headaches, fog, etc. It's ONLY with Calculus.** + +How in the world do I work around this? I'm so lost. + +If curious: + +1. My psych left the clinic and I was told to go somewhere else through my insurance. Month long wait-time, appointment finally on March 30th. + +2. Constant suicidal ideation. Went to school counselor and psych, was told to ""try and get a goodnights sleep"" and ""it's just thoughts, right""? No help, didn't care, didn't even try to change my medications. + +3. On Klonopin .5mg, Lamictal 200mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, Buspar 10mg-x2 + + +**TL;DR - Please give me advice on how to focus and not sleep or pace my hours away to study and catch up in Calculus. I received a 46% on my first exam...A & B Student in everything else.**",Bipolar +45872,What to tell? I recently got a new therapist after seeing someone else for 2ish years. Do I tell the new therapist about past drug problems or leave that out? I’m honestly just not sure how switching therapists works. ,Bipolar +50524,,Bipolar +50365,"I keep missing my meds and honestly don't think I care anymore I've been so good about always taking my meds when I'm supposed to since I started treatment, but for the past few months I just can't seem to remember to take them like I'm supposed to. On top on that, I've gained so much weight since being on them and I'm just so fucking tired all day, every day. + +I'm just so over it all. Like everything. I haven't worked in like three years because I'll lose my insurance if I can even manage to find something I'm able to do. My only support system that understands what it's like (they have bp2) doesn't give a shit about me anymore so there goes that too. Getting to a breaking point and I'm scared. + +Just needed to vent.",Bipolar +50132,"I’ve been stable for 6 months! That’s all really, I’m just really proud of how far I have come. At some points over the past few years I really didn’t think I would make it this far. Life is slowly becoming better, and I’m beginning to love it and myself again. There is hope ❤️",Bipolar +46882,"Lifeless mode- advice appreciated Hi. I just want to say, thank God for meds that have made me come down from manic episodes of sexapades and erarrtic behaviors of last few years ..adgitation, running away etc. Bipolar meds help. + +I'm feeling good and stable now. This year has been fine. But I've just litterally been in my bed, listening to talk radio, on my phone , smoking my vape pen, hardly getting out . I'm not depressed. I went through a depression last year and got through that with the right medication, and now I feel just a static of nothingness. I just don't do anything at all. I have no motivation to leave my room. It's weird. Not even shop or goto the beach, listen to music. Has this happend to anyone ? How long does this funk last for? How can I get out of it? I turn on my music but I just turn it back off and want to crawl back in bed. I'm not at all sad. Just unmotivated to do anything but sit and lay around. It's the weirdest thing. It's been going on for a few months. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you for reading. ",Bipolar +49750,"Feeling like I'm being watched/judged constantly but not necessarily by one person/thing- How do I cope with this? I've noticed that I often feel like everyone is watching me and judging every single thing and I have to act accordingly to not come off as weird. Like for example, when I'm at a crosswalk waiting to cross it feels like every single car is staring at me. Not even necessarily the people in the cars but the cars themselves are looking at me almost if that makes sense? It usually feels invasive but if I'm being honest, sometimes I weirdly enjoy it and I think it's some weird part of my brain wanting attention to be pulled to me. It's confusing and I'm not really sure how to deal with it.",Bipolar +46019,I have a (probably) stupid question about psychosis I didn't know if I should post here or on NoStupidQuestions. I may have asked my psychiatrist in the past but I don't remember. I'm diagnosed Bipolar 1 and two years ago I had a pretty severe psychotic episode. I've been on a various cocktail of antipsychotics and other drugs since. I'm not planning on stopping my meds anytime soon if I can help it but I was wondering if the drugs are the only thing keeping me normal. If I for whatever reason couldn't take or get my meds would I revert back to a psychotic state again as soon as the drugs were out of my system or just be more at risk of going psychotic again if something triggered it? ,Bipolar +45433,"I am an idiot, oh math (X-post from r/bipolar) I will run out of lithium (good on my other prescriptions) in less than a week and my pdoc appointment isn't till the 22nd. The only 2 pdocs I've seen and might let me pick up a prescription (appointment slots mean waiting for months) are closed until the 15th for holidays. +This happened last month, too, and I can't believe I didn't just sit down and do the math in the dr's office so I could insist on a bigger prescription. I'm honestly a little baffled by the pdoc as well. +So do I just divide them as evenly as possible and hope things work out or walk to the psych ward I was in for a month in the spring and see if they can give me a scrip? Yech.",Bipolar +46561,"Therapy for bipolar? Hi! + +I'm asking on behalf of my non-tech mum. + +She is over 50, she was diagnosed with bpd just last year. She started having symptomes after her thyroid was removed (due to the risk of cancer) and she is on thyroid hormones. + +She was always more on the ""maniac"" side and by this I mean never depressed, always energetic and doing more things at once than one person could be capable of. Then the ""first depression"" came, then again she was up with her mood and from that time the extreme swings started, finally causing a 3-months long deep depressive state. So she went to psychiatrist (some professor someone reccomended her) who prescribed her some meds (idk exactly what, but something more like a 1st generation lithium thing?). He told she does not need to go to the therapy as this is purely physical (like the ""chemicals in the brain"") thing, not managable with therapy. + +At first there was a huge improvement after just two weeks and it lasted about six months of really minor swings and neutral state. + +But now she is back at the deep depression state and I am worried that meds are not right. I know absolutelty nothing about bipolar other than what internet taught me, but I have a feeling that a) those meds might not be well-suited for her? b) she should at least try therapy? + +She obv does not want to go to any other doctor, she kinda feels uncurable at this point and even blames herself for the state, and blindly listens to the ""professor with years of experience"". Idk, can you hint me with things that worked for you so I can try and advise her on? Would therapy be useful? And if so, what type of therapy? + +Thank you in advance ",Bipolar +50127,"Bipolar Disorder type II is compromising my relationship and I feel beleaguered. How do others navigate relationships while undermedicated/still finding out which meds work for them? I have recently moved in with my partner from across the nation. We had known each other for a long time since we were in the same community-focused nonprofit organization. We had spent a substantial time building an intimate rapport with each other and we began to fully believe we were madly in love with each other. Unfortunately when I moved in the true depth of my mental unwellness quickly forced its way to the surface. My bipolar disorder shares a dangerous comorbidity with various other mental injuries to include combat PTSD from my time in the Marine Corps, community trauma from being raised in poverty, and general childhood trauma which has resulted in an additional major depressive disorder diagnosis. + +My mood cycles rapidly as in several times in one day rapidly. The resulting agitation fills my head with various examples of why the relationship will never work despite her initial fervor to cater to my every need. Now she’s exhausted, beleaguered, and on the precipice of lapsing back into previous trauma behavior—she has PTSD from witnessing her ex-fiancée shoot himself in the head right in front of her. I have become the single most stressful thing in her life and I’ve repeatedly attempted to leave the relationship as a result but she would refuse to let me leave. + +I’m exhausted and I have a maelstrom of dark thoughts swirling through my head. Our relationship has devolved into resentment, petty squabbles, and she no longer has the energy to convince me to stay when I feel compelled to flee from the relationship even though she states she still wants me to stay even if she doesn’t have the energy to stop me from leaving. I can’t seek solace in my partner because we have become a point of contention in each others’ lives and if I keep venting to my best friend she’ll begin to grow resentful of my partner for being what she may perceive as unhealthy for me even though I share a large portion of the blame for causing our relationship to devolve to this point. She constantly states how she needs support and cannot withstand the capricious nature of my mood swings on her own which breaks my heart to hear because now I’m fully convinced that I am far too much more trouble than I’m worth and that I am no where near at a point in my mental health recovery to be a healthy boyfriend. + +Who has experienced something similar and how did they navigate such an emotionally compromising situation?",Bipolar +46453,"Am I bipolar? tldr; got a diagnosis for bipolar as I was incredibly agitated and restless after a bad reaction to some medication and hospitalized as a manic episode. However I didn't feel elated and I was lucid. Is this bipolar or should I get a second opinion. I'm 31 years old and male. + +Apologies for the essay. + +Basically my story starts when I was very depressed and anxious for most of my adult life, and medication and therapy didn't do anything to really help. I tried Zoloft one day after the recommendation of my Dr. I woke up in the middle of the night all the time in a panic and couldn't think straight and after a week I was so restless I had to go to hospital. The attending Dr at the hospital said that it is a common reaction to medication if you're bipolar, and prescribed me Olanzapine. + +After 2 months I hated the medication as it made me so sleepy and gain weight. So I decided to stop as I didn't need this before for 31 years. I was also prescribed Klonopin. I stopped Olanzapine and became very restless but I could deal with it with the Klonopin and I took it for 2 weeks. I remember the first day I stopped and I felt amazing though, like fully focused and full of positive energy to do things. However, one day I forgot to take Klonopin and it was like a switch flicked in my brain. I spent the next month waking up in the middle of the night in panic, feeling super restless in the morning and struggling to focus on anything. + +I came off the Klonopin after that bad experience (but slowly tapered, I learned my lesson from the Olanzapine not to come of medication too quickly). I also got some Trazadone for sleep since I couldn't sleep for the whole night and would wake up in a panic and also couldn't get back to sleep despite feeling tired. As time went on, over the course of 3 months, I stopped having the panic attacks in the night, but would wake up super early really restless but exhausted. I also started to have depersonalization and had this spaced out feeling a lot of the time, and I would sort of feel like I was looked at myself in the third person. This carried on and didn't get better with time over the course of a few months. + +Around thanksgiving I got really drunk, and after then, the restlessness became unbearable. I was also super emotional and couldn't focus. But I was fully aware of everything, and I didn't do anything reckless, and I didn't feel elated or anything. I basically tried to stick it out but couldn't take it, and went to hospital and they put me in a psychiatric ward as I was so agitated and restless and it was then they told me they thought I was bipolar and put me on Olanzapine again. + +I've stuck it out for a few months, and to be fair, after two weeks of taking Olanzapine and Depakote, I started to feel much less restless and I was able to sleep fully. Also, the spaced out feeling subsided and started to feel myself again. However, the medication has left me super sleepy and it's affecting my work. With my psychiatrist's help we're going to lower the medication dose, but after that reduction, I'm feeling a bit spaced out, but less so than I was before. I'm still super sleepy though. + +Basically I don't know what the hell is wrong with me and I kind of feel like I've been put in a bipolar box in terms of a diagnosis, but when I look at classic bipolar behavior, I don't really see it in myself? Has anyone else experienced anything like me? Like severe agitation, inability to sleep and depersonalization, but also being lucid, not engaging in reckless behavior and not having an elated mood? + +Also that was a massive post, so thanks if you read it :)",Bipolar +45474,"How do you contact your p-doc outside of appointments? Hey all, posting under alt throwaway for reasons. + +I recently had a pdoc retire which meant dealing with the lovely process of finding a new one. It took months and was all around bad. So I finally started seeing this new doc and things are looking better... + +Except last week I started getting some side effects from a meds tweak we had agreed on. I wanted to register my experiences with the doctor before they got lost to my utterly fractured memory. + +Let me note that over the past decade-plus I have worked with six other pdocs and every single one of them offered two direct contact channels *at least* - a private voicemail box and a private email. They have all been clear that answers were not guaranteed let alone timely, and emergencies always go to 911. Most had a list of on-call staff you could talk to within minutes. + +Biggest thing for me is the privacy. Legal implications aside, **I don't want ANYONE reading/listening to the stuff I disclose to my pdoc.** + +So here's the kicker. New doc gave me his contact card at initial appointment; so far so good. Dumbass me loses the card. Call receptionist to ask doctor to get in touch, either via email or phone. + +I was told that the receptionist is the ""best"" person to email and straight up didn't get an answer to the phone question. Not even a ""we can have the doctor call you when they get a chance."" + +On top of this a ton of people are telling me this is MY broken expectations and doctors never give out contact info. + +I am so confused, frustrated, angry, and generally miserable about this... And the original side effects are getting worse. + +Is my experience really that weird? Or do these people just not have a clue? + +Someone tell me I'm not crazy! (Ok, that would be a lie.)",Bipolar +46340,Paranoia at its best I’m currently having paranoid thoughts. That my aunt and cousin don’t want me dating my cousins friend. Also that they’re using him to get back at me and to prove I’m a slut. That they also want to embarrass me in front of their neighbors by having him talk to another girl that he possibly likes. Also that my sister and everyone is conspiring against me to show that I’m a bad friend to my aunt by engaging me in negative convo about her. Also to show my aunt is trying to prove that I’m a bad sister. Which everyone is now out to prove I don’t deserve love and show me that everyone actually hates me sigh,Bipolar +45467,"Depression I am becoming increasingly depressed. I’m very unhappy with my work/Financial situation. I’m unhappy with my body. I’m just unhappy. I feel like someone put molasses in my brain to gunk it up and slow it down. + +Besides contacting my doctor I don’t know what to do. I tend to be manic and not depressed very often.",Bipolar +46519,"Depressive episodes are not forever One thing that gets me through my episodes is the knowledge that it can't last forever. For several years before I was diagnosed I only really experienced depression (no hypomania at all) and it felt like it would never end. And I know that a fair amount of people also feel this way. And some people suffer from chronic depression. But now with my diagnosis I feel that as long as my episode lasts and however intense it is it can't last forever. + +I guess it's just a small solace. But on the flip side, when I was just depressed I held on to hope that one day I would be cured but with bipolar that hope is pretty much squashed. So I guess it's a mixed bag.",Bipolar +45950,"Medication Shame Today, a colleague was talking about how 'lithium, the thing used in batteries and other stuff' was also being used to medicate people with 'mental problems'. That those people would end up with scrambled brains. At first, I was incredibly embarrassed and upset. However, I decided that I needed to say something (I'm reasonably close with the other colleagues present, although they don't know about my BP, they know I've had depression etc). I told this individual that I take lithium and I suffered from depression and Ocd as a teenager. He asked me if I was worried about taking 'something they use in batteries' and I explained that there are many chemicals that are broadly used and that taking lithium helps me to be the best version of myself. Everyone was kind of awkward and I told them that it wasn't something to worry about and that mental health issues need to be discussed openly. The colleague later came and apologized incase they had offended me. + + +My point is: don't feel ashamed because you are taking your medication. Be proud because you are working your ass off.",Bipolar +50288,"Withdrawing off of Lamotragine Hello...this is my first post here and I hope it's okay. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2017, and took lamotragine since then was at 150 MG twice daily (my life changed for the better). Well, last year things got rocky and I didn't have transportation to a physician so I cut the dose in half to make the medicication last me..I took it that way for a year. WELL now, I am completely out and my mood is swinging like a tetherball...I lost my health insurance a couple of months ago as well, so now I just need to know coping methods that have worked for any of you that had to go unmedicated. I never thought I would have to feel this way again but alas...here I am. I feel so so alone in this battle and so scared. I finish my bachelors in June so hopefully I will have employment shortly after that and health care. I am so scared.",Bipolar +50457,"Just got over an obsessive manic episode I have been fixated on one thing in particular, rather not mention what it is but just one aspect of my life. I’ve been obsessing and it took me a while to realize I have been having a manic episode filled with fixation and anxiety. Couple years ago I would have never even recognized this as a manic episode and I didn’t during the episode now either but more as it was coming to a close and my brain felt exhausted. Has anyone else experienced fixation as a part of your bipolar? Examples are welcome!",Bipolar +46646,"Doing well, but life is definitely testing me right now. I had a what I'm assuming was a panic attack the other night cause I've only ever felt this sensation when I think really hard about some kind of medical condition I probably don't have. My vision went blurry, and my ears were hissing. I remember fumbling with my breathing while wondering wtf was happening. I started taking deep breaths after figuring I might be having a panic attack. I ignored all my emotionally rooted thoughts and calmed myself down. Fuck. That. Shit. I feel for anyone who goes through anything like that regularly. That is down right terrifying to the ""piss your pants"" core. + +So, I've been stable for about 6 months now doing what I'm doing and actually being successful (how I perceive it anyways). I'm holding a job, I'm loved by my peers and getting along with my parents better than ever. I've matured a lot I guess, but being disciplined with my diet, meds, and sleep, have made it all stay together. + +Just a couple weeks back my Mom got diagnosed with breast cancer... And I'm pretty sure the restaurant I'm working at is going to close soon because I've never seen a shit show like this EVER! Everyone is drunk and indifferent... It's sad. Aaaaaaand now my ex wants to talk on the phone today (only have let her text me recently since making amends and healing our friendship). She's been sporadically contacting me telling me this or that reminded her of me... I really feel like she eventually (prolly not today) wants to try and rekindle things. She's expressed since finalizing our divorce how she feels she messed up and turned her back on me when I was simply severely depressed. I get that now and I understand why she did what she did, and he don't blame her for it one bit. But I can't trust her anymore like that. She'll prolly drop me when I hit another dip in my journey. + +I'm overloaded right now. But I'm staying disciplined and trying to do everything how I need to, to stay stable. It's working I guess, but man, this is the shitty part of life that usually puts me down for a year. I'm afraid, but I'm excited to challenge my will through these tough times. + + Oh yeah, I forgot in my rambling, my parents (whom I'm living with currently) are selling their house and moving to a different city. Overall a good thing for all of us, but keeping the house clean and sprucing it up for random showings today with a few hours notice is stressful. + + +Stay positive peeps and keep on chugging along. Sometimes it's awesome cause sometimes it sucks.",Bipolar +46981,"Bipolar and PPD Hi everyone. I’m really, really struggling today. I was diagnosed with bipolar ll in 2010. I gave birth to my first child in June of 2016. While pregnant I was on a very low dose of my medications I had taken before I became pregnant. We were not trying to get pregnant but ended up conceiving on our wedding night. After giving birth I started suffering from PPD. I hated my daughter, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. I sought treatment at a private hospital that had a mother-baby ppd program. I had my tubes tied to prevent another pregnancy and I thought that was a great idea. I thought I was one and done. After the tubal ligation I had a lot of other complications which lead to my having a full hysterectomy. + +I guess the reason that I’m struggling is because I so badly want to have another child. I want my daughter to have a sibling. I want to bless my home with another little blessing. My daughter is now the biggest joy in my life. Of course I still struggle with my bipolar. I’m on a constant roller coaster. I do know that if you have ppd with an early pregnancy you are bound to have it with one that follows. + +I honestly don’t know why I’m posting this and not sure if I will go through with posting it. I can’t talk to my husband about this because he definitely does not want another child. I’m just so heart broken today",Bipolar +46895,"How do you make a loved one understand? My SO does not deal with any mental illness himself. But more than that he was misdiagnosed as a teen as having severe mental illness and was medicated. He now holds a lot of resentment towards the field in general. + +&#x200B; + +I have Bipolar II. I have suffered for years and years. No medications work, though I did have great luck with dTMS. A full year of no depression and no suicidal thoughts. I thought I was in heaven, I swear. + +&#x200B; + +But that's all worn off now. I'm taking my medicine, I'm trying my hardest, but it's just not working. I'm having full meltdowns nearly daily and it's only a matter of time before I need to commit myself again. This time last year I did a 10 day stint in the psych ward after a suicide attempt. And those feelings are back and so so strong. + +&#x200B; + +My SO keeps my medicine under lock and key, luckily. But now ECT is on the table. He doesn't think the time off work is justified nor the cost. But he doesn't understand. I could die. And if I do attempt and it doesn't work, the hospital bills for inpatient treatment are going to be far higher than the cost of ECT, plus I would very likely lose my job. + +&#x200B; + +He says if this was cancer, and I needed 6 weeks off work for chemo, it would be a different story. Cancer is killing you, depression is just rough. How do I explain that I'm dying? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46934,"Reality is more than what it seems. + +I feel like I know what's up + +but there's a law I can't break + +The law is to play along no matter what + +everyone will say otherwise + +they'll keep you feeling like you are right + +but reminding you that you can't do nothing about it + +Theyll log on to reddit and tell you to get help + +You tell them I don't need help I can manage + +All Im waiting for is the one who is ready + +and that one is not apart from me + +this is really personal + +If it touched someone please respond + +but not in a critical, assertive way + +this is a poem and im high + +if you seem to understand then tell me your story",Bipolar +46860,How much do I have to disclose to a potential employer? The store I work at is closing down in a week. I had an interview today that went really well but I have to fill out a medical form through a 3rd party company. As part of the form I have to consent to this company contacting my GP (who obviously knows I have bipolar). I got to the question about if I'm being treated for any illnesses and have no idea what to say. I'm in Queensland if that helps. ,Bipolar +50408,"Losing friends over diagnosis? Just semi recently some people who I considered long time friends and I truly believe it’s because I was being more open about my diagnosis. For context they has DID and alters and I tried to accommodate for them as much as I could. Yet they randomly removed me after we spent a few weeks together (it was a visit) +I don’t really know what went wrong as I took my meds and I have a passive nature in general. No manic outbursts or emotional ones at all. We all were laughing and having a great time laughing and doing fun activities. But as soon as I got home one of them just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. And I truly believe it was discriminatory behavior because I would bring up my diagnosis/ make jokes of because they would do the same. (Making jokes of my diagnosis helps me cope in a way) It took me bit to collect myself but I’m doing a whole lot better with therapy now that they’re not in my life anymore. They were also very against seeking medical advice for mental illness and rather get high and not address their issues with a professional. Has anyone else here ever lost close friends that backstabbed you over your diagnosis? Or is it better for people with this disease to just keep everyone at arms length and give the cold shoulder out of fear of discrimination or assumptions on what they think bipolar is? Most people don’t judge by the content of your character anymore and it’s so incredibly sad it has to be that way",Bipolar +45935,"Will lamictal help me more than lithium if I mainly struggle with depression, not mania? I have been taking lithium for about a year, since my last stay at the psych ward, and I have not spiraled into depression like that since. + +But I can't remember the last time I daydreamed, the last time I felt like drawing, reading, playing the piano, anything that matters. I'm not alive right now. + +So I'm thinking lithium is probably destroying me more than helping me, because depression is my problem, not so much mania. (I have experienced a bit of hypomania, it was very uncomfortable but I popped Seroquel when it got bad and it passed) + +So I think I really need to try lamictal. What should I tell my ARNP? All my insurance covers is this pirate lookin dude who barely speaks English, so I have to do the talking",Bipolar +45901,"Some Questions From a Newly Diagnosed Bipolar Person Hey, I am 18 and male and diagnosed bipolar. + + +Currently, the only things I am taking for my bipolar disorder are NAC and fish oil. + + +I am also diagnosed adhd, so if some of this is irrelevant, to Bipolar disorder, I apologize in advance. + + +Onwards with the questions: + + +1. My psychiatrist has tried to prescribe my mood stabilizers (most recently lamotrigine), and I have refused to take them. I really enjoy the high feelings I get and don't want to give them up. I also am deathly scared of putting any drugs into my body. I do not even drink. Has anyone tried this drug? What has your experience with mood stabilizers been? + + +2. Some months, I legitimately cannot focus. Like, even reading for me is just not going to happen. I meditate every day, and during some months, getting my self to sit still is a near impossibility. I am a master level chess player, but I have to play multiple games at once to properly stimulate myself. I have found that intense exercise (especially weights and competition) help a bit. I have also used audiobooks. Does any have any other coping strategies when they cannot focus? + + +3. I am hypersexual. Like, it is all I think about. If I wasn't so busy with sports, academics, and music, I would probably sleep with a different girl at least every week. I don't even really enjoy it I just sleep with a girl within 30 mins of meeting her at a party or on a first date and then I feel like shit the next few days. Then, I think I really like her for a sec. Then next week I decided I am bored with her and it's on to the next girl. + + +The only girl I didn't get bored of was this other girl I slept with who had bipolar disorder too. She was just crazy enough to keep things interesting. She got a boyfriend though. + + +I really want a stable relationship, but my habits seem to prevent that. On top of that, I have a horrible reputation because of the number of girls I have slept with and the way I have slept with them and used them mostly for sex (although I have always had consent and never slept with even a tipsy girl). + + +How do you guys hold down a stable relationship? It seems hopeless with hypersexuality, boredom, and mood instability. Speaking of which: + + + 4. How do you deal with loneliness? I have many friends, but I still get lonely. I use sex to cope but that is clearly insufficient. A relationship would be ideal, and I am working on it, but is there anything else I can do? + + + 5. How have you reconciled giving up these manic episodes when they are so appealing not just because of the emotions but also because you are better at everything, confident, and able to have life experiences you would never otherwise have. + + + 6. How do you explain to your friends when they ask if you are on drugs right now or comment that it is like you are either ""marijuana [your name] or meth [your name] depending on the week."" I don't want to tell them I am bipolar (and I didn't even know for sure until recently).",Bipolar +46575,"Hypersensitivity Does anyone else suffer with extreme hypersensitivity? Stress really pushes me to lose all control and react in withdrawal, tears, fear and extreme reckless behavior like quitting my job because in that moment I'd give my arm to get away. Controlling stressors is something I never could do. Does anyone else have a similar problem or perhaps any pointers? I feel like I'm losing a hold no my life. ??",Bipolar +50140,"Being stable is so fucking boring After multiple years of suffering from different combinations of Bipolar, BPD, narcissism, ADHD symptoms, and OCD symptoms I am 90% symptom-free. I still have anxiety attacks sometimes (but like once a week if that), and certain phobias and have to control my OCD symptoms with some rigid scheduling, but my depression splitting, hyper fixations, and attention issues are effectively gone. + +And I'm so fucking bored. None of the things that made me feel good do that anymore (but I don't feel bad) because it all came from avoidance. I'm used to fighting depression 100% of the time and without that I'm listless. + +So what do you do with this? Does anyone have any advice? DBT and IFS suggestions especially appreciated.",Bipolar +45882,"X posted - manic safety plan with SO So. I'm a ""constant suicidal thoughts"" person. They're always there but I'm always too exhausted to do anything, and love the people in my life way too much. EXCEPT for when I'm manic. Manic lows or highs give me so much energy and that tends to worry myself and my boyfriend. The only time I really consider hurting myself is when I am manic. Often needing my boyfriend to stop me. + +I'm going to Europe in June and want to work with my boyfriend to create a safety plan for when I'm feeling like this. One of those ""when I'm feeling like this, I'll do this. If that doesn't work I'll do this."" This isn't just for suicidal ideations, but also other side effects to the mania. + +A big part of the reason I want to do this with my boyfriend is that he is far more concerned than I am that I'll do something I would regret doing or hurt myself. Biggest two concerns are me cheating on him or me hurting myself. Mostly this is to put his mind at ease when I'm away. He worries about me so much when I am here, never mind my two months away from him. + +What are some good steps to have on the plan? And circumstances to account for? Also any good apps to put this plan into your phone? I want this to be in my phone and accessible when I am out.",Bipolar +46518,"Advice on long-term treatment for a bipolar depressed family member? My brother has had bipolar depression since he was a teenager, he's mid-20s now and still living with our retired father. Recently, he ""attempted suicide"" by jumping off a 15-foot balcony and breaking his feet, leading to hospitalization (and inpatient psych). Given the background context below, what would you do? + +* He has talked about and threatened suicide hundreds of times + +* This is the third time he's been hospitalized in the last 90 days (previously for psychosis and suicidal threats) + +* Each time, he's released after 3-5 days after he begins to act normal and wants to go home + +* Our father is a psychiatrist who desperately wants to help him, and has not been willing to ""kick him out"" of the house + +* He has not been willing to consider longer-term inpatient psychiatric options (I don't know what options are available?) and because he always has had my father's home to return to, the hospital is always able to discharge him + +* He has seen at least 20 psychiatrists in the last decade, and taken hundreds of different medications, with zero success + +* He has received a year of ECT treatment, with significant memory loss and only temporary depression relief + +* He dropped out of high school due to a combination of social phobia, depression, sensory issues, and rage issues + +* He has never applied for a job + +* He sometimes wishes to move into his own apartment, but that gets derailed by his constant suicidal threats, changing his mind about everything, easily becoming frustrated and overwhelmed, and at least for now, he can't even walk... + +How do you end a revolving door of 5-day long emergency room and inpatient psychiatric visits? Is my father's home being open to him actually hurting his chances of recovery? Would being barred from returning home force him to choose between homelessness and long-term inpatient care? My father is in his 60s, and beginning to decline mentally, so I see this situation deteriorating long-term if someone doesn't do something. What would you do?",Bipolar +49928,"people who found a life partner - what did you do to not mess it up in the beginning? hey! so i regularly struggle with dating, which often tips me into a manic episode. and when im in a manic episode, i get hypersexual. and when i get hypersexual, all my dates turn into one night stands. in my experience (and its a lot) one night stands never lead to a real relationship. so going into dating this time, i really wanted to break that habit and do nothing sexual on the first date, but i was unsure if i could stick to that because my manic hypersexuality is STRONG. + +i swiped right on the most attractive man ive ever matched with on a dating app, totally out of my league. we talked for a few days, and then met and had an amazing date. we had ice cream, went to a book store, and art museum. im trying to figure out the line between manic and adventurous, but it felt nice and not dangerous. + +anyway, before the date i sent a friendly but firm text that i didnt want to do anything physical, not even kiss. he said he would respect that, and he did. at the end i even tried, i said i wanted to kiss him when we parted. he said he wanted to kiss me too but we should wait for the right time. + +I DONT WANT TO MESS THIS UP !! any tips? when do i tell him im bipolar and how much do i tell him? i want to lock this man DOWN. + +any advice appreciated!",Bipolar +45782,"I had a rare win today. I’ve been considering getting a new car for a while, and recently I have been more and more obsessed and interested in it, even though it’s really not an immediate need. I was bored and had an abnormal amount of free time today and im trending towards manic so I found myself driving to the dealership just “look” at this one I really liked. I had a plan. I told the sales guy straight up when I got there, this is what I’ll pay, I’m not paying any money today other than a straight trade and increasing my payment. Okay cool we have an understanding. + +So I drive the car, it’s exactly what I thought it was and I really liked it. We go inside. I let him run my credit and talking about numbers. He comes back WAY more than what we already talked about, and wanting a bunch of money down. I was clear It was too much but I still let him run back and forth to “try something” and “see what we can do” and I even started agreeing to pass my boundaries and give them a down payment which would have really hurt our savings and put us in a bad financial situation. I called my dad and I called my husband and basically had them talking me off a ledge because I told myself a thousand times like a mantra “if it isn’t the right deal I’m not doing it.” After 3 hours of then trying hard to pressure me I just told them I am leaving right now give me my keys. I was shaking and so uncomfortable and I’m still surprised I got out of there without fucking myself financially. + + + +",Bipolar +45611,"Horrible day.. quit my job on the first day. Hey how’s it going? + +Some stuff happened today and I really need an outlet right now or someone to talk to without judgement... + +My situation is as follows, I’m a guy 18 years old have been struggling with bipolar for years where the hospital seems to be my second home.. recently out of an abusive relationship where I impulsively chose to pick up and leave my home, my family and my everything all of a sudden to move in with my ex 1000 kilometres away with her parents... that’s the extent of how my mania gets along with episodes of psychosis. + + +Recently I’ve been looking for work and I found what I thought would be a great job at a health food store, I aced the interview and trial then came the first day... + +I went in full of smiles and just my best to be positive as I’ve been in a big low lately then all of a sudden I get there and I’m handed the most ridiculous jobs and well all they would do is put me down and make me feel like I’m absolute f*ckin trash. Now I don’t know if it’s because of my arm which they all saw (covered in scars) or if it was because I chose to not go to college (year 11 and 12) when they’re all university graduates or students.. I don’t know but they were horrible and I was pretty much in tears for my whole lunch break.. I’m a fragile bloke when I’m going threw a low is all I can say.. + +Anyways I got home having a huge anxiety attack so stressed I could feel my impulsiveness and psychotic symptoms coming out.. so I sat down, chain smoked till I couldn’t breathe and sent my boss an email full of excuses trying to make myself sound normal about quitting after 1 day.. I had to quit I really did if I had thrown myself into that job it would of sent me right back to my lowest low.. the thing is while I got the job I was experiencing a manic episode where I talked myself up Beyond imagninable and asked for 40+ hours a week knowing I couldn’t handle it but that’s just the kind of stuff I do... + + +So that’s my little rant of today’s horrible events :/ if you were able to actually read it all then well thank you and send me a message if you wanna chat.. I feel extremely guilty right now but any support I can get would really help.. + +Thanks ",Bipolar +46411,"I dont know how to keep living like this I just dont know how to live, im on 5 diffrent meds and they are constently getting changed, my girlfriend and best friend of 6 years left me because i am a verbally abusive terrible person when the rage kicks in. i just dont want to live anymore, whats the point of living if all it is is suffering and insanity? ",Bipolar +46639,"Been a hypomanic mess lately So the majority of the past month I’ve been feeling depressed and out of it. Not really talking to anyone and just hiding in my room and then after a few good news and change of events I started to feel better. I finally felt hopeful and felt like myself again only to realize that it was all a lie. That I wasn’t actually feeling better and just pivoting into a hypomanic state. I went from feeling good and organized to realizing I wasn’t eating or sleeping much, being incredibly impulsive, getting pulled over for speeding at my job, flipping out on friends and telling them off, and over all feeling like my skin is made of electricity if that makes any sense. I just can’t find a balance these days. Now I called out of work mid shift cause I wasn’t eating much and just feeling sick and shakey and now I’m worried that I might loose my job. I can’t seem to find a middle ground. I just wish I could breath for once. I hate not being able to trust my feelings and the days I feel good I only end up finding out that my good feelings weren’t good and just manic. I reached out to my parents and said that I need a therapist again.i wish this would all stop. ",Bipolar +50381,Yup. Done. Literally never been so fucked up in my 10 years or treatment and meds. I am honestly having a hard time imagining waking up tomorrow. I just want some fucking peace. I want all my pain to go away.,Bipolar +46892,[Cross-post] World Bipolar Day AMA on r/IAmA! - We are a psychology teacher with bipolar disorder and a professor of psychiatry from an international research team working to improve lives of people with BD - Ask us anything! Join us at r/IAmA! - [reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/b6zhfx/we\_are\_a\_psychology\_teacher\_with\_bipolar\_disorder/](https://reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/b6zhfx/we_are_a_psychology_teacher_with_bipolar_disorder/),Bipolar +46684,"Does anyone feel like your meds do nothing? I'm on heaps of meds, and I feel exactly the same as being off them, apart from the occasional side effect. Then I think, if they don't have any effect, do I even have bipolar? Probably sounds silly, but it's what I think sometimes. Does anyone else feel this way about medication? + + +If interested, I'm taking Lithium (900), Latuda (20), Lamictal (100), Abilify (15), Wellbutrin (150 - I think), ADHD meds, and side effect meds. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +45856,"I hate myself So I know this has been written on before but honestly just typing shit is a better outlet than anything else. Ive been bipolar I for pretty much my whole life crazy black out fits of anger when i was like 4 suspend from school till I was misdiagnosed and placed on adhd meds. Football helped the most, just a pure outlet for all my rage. But now that im a married adult with kids I can barley function in the world anymore. My wife hates me and looks and treats me like im some sort of broken child. We havent had sex in months im 24 and buff as shit!!! She chastises me whenever I try to discipline our kid and questions every choice I make. AND I mean for anything like asking my kid not to stand on the counter. I cant fucking do this shit anymore Im suspicious of everyone arround me I day dream of just beating peoples skulls in for fun or anything to make my life have some kind of excitement. Pretty much just smoke pot all day for a chance to feel something like anything. But I live in the most conservative state in the country and pot is keeping me from holding a job. Im fucking bored of living not suicidal just bored to the point of depression taking Lamotrigine 100 mg does nothing but make me go to sleep and antipsychotics make me feel like im dazed and loopy , but their great at night when my thoughts are racing so fast that i wont sleep at all. +Does anyone else just feel like there is really nothing wrong with us and we are just meant to do way more with our lives maybe that is just the grandiose shit they talk about but I honestly feel like im capable of doing anything I want in the world and its other people that get in my way? Every person ive met that is bipolar is usually super rational in their choices but that could just be because we see the world as black and white and have almost no concept of grey. Anything can be rationalized to a right and wrong choice. Anyways I dont want anyones fucking pitty ""I like myself"" I just Hate that I cant trust myself to be a functioning human anymore. ",Bipolar +50491,"At this point in life I rarely truly worry about the swings and cycles, but my brain has been so unstable lately that I'm am worried. It's been a very rough past couple years and so many things have been affected by what's happened. To be clear I am not suicidal in any capacity. My cat would never forgive me and I do enjoy being alive even when it's chaotic and kinda terrible. + +I have basically been rapid cycling the past 11 months with a few intermittent bigger episodes, dealing with a very fresh PTSD development due to being in an abusive relationship with someone who in a psychotic rage beat a woman so bad he caved in part of her skull. He's in prison now but it doesn't erase the damage done to her or me. + +I had 6 months med access instability, 1.5 years of job instability, housing environment instability, other health problems (ever tried to use your hands when you can't feel 80+ percent of them?) and these god damn hallucinations and crying spells really need to fking stop. + +I've been trying out more meds, different med combos, self-care, coping mechanisms. I've been in therapy and physical therapy and those are helping. I keep my appointments with my specialists and p-doc. I do my job the best I can and try to keep my shit together but I've been barely holding my head above water for such a long time with it all and I feel like I'm about to drown. + +No, correction. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been drowning for a while and I just realized it. + +I'm just trying to survive and it's getting harder and harder to do so. I'm bawling just typing this out. + +I did my taxes today and for the first time in the 13 years of paying taxes I authorized someone else to talk to the irs if necessary. I wrote down my important login information. I've been talking to my dad and my sister about the gist of everything. I know my sister will take care of my cat if I can't, I've already gone over all of Annie's overall care and needs especially regarding her medical care and environmental needs. + +I need a fresh start. There are too many ghosts in this area that haunt me and my dreams. I've had too much loss and trauma to call it home anymore. I want to move up north to the only place I can call home. I want to move into my dad's place and live with one of the few humans I trust. + +I brought it up today and he's thinking about it. I will see what his thoughts are about it later. + +I can't stand how things are anymore and I need to be better. + +In addition to my lithium, lamictal, vyvanse, buspirone, propranolol and gabapentin, I started vraylar last week but it's not working fast enough so I start olanzapine tomorrow. Maybe it will help me. I'm really hoping it will help me because I can't hold it together anymore, not even for my cat. + +I hate and despise my brain with the fury of a thousand bonfires. I wish I could be normal. I wish I was blissfully unaware of how any of this feels. + +I spent most of my 20's learning how to handle bp and to become and stay stable. But apparently my early 30's are having a laugh at what I managed to achieve. + +Edit: my dad said yes. I'll be moving mid-may after a few appointments and finalizing everything. + +I'm going to be paying cash for my meds for a little while until I can get on Medicaid, but that's okay. I'm hoping to fill my meds as soon as my insurance lets me (up to 5 days before the days supply ends) so I can build up extra. Maybe try to get a vacation override or something towards the end. I'm gonna work some extra shifts to build up some money. I gotta get Annie to the the vet for her annual exam and refills of her phenobarbital. And ask the vet if she will authorize an early refill or prescribe a larger volume so there's more of a buffer zone for her (because her seizures are both heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time). + +I have so much to do! I have more hope again. God damn I love my dad. He's always been beyond awesome and supportive, he has been one of my biggest supporters in multiple ways over the years. I legitimately don't know if I would be here typing this if he wasn't who he is. + +I had some happy tears today and I'm like to think they outweighed all the sad and angry ones that I've had lately. + +Edit 2: honestly this post doesn't even mention many of the other things, like the rage I have felt for sometime, a brief hope and desire to date someone. A miscarriage I still mourn and how I never told him that I named her. The depth of complexity and severity of my nerve, skin and gut problems and how much money has been spent on them. Or how I stopped loving my job because I hate the place I work and my coworkers are a pack of wolves who I've tried to hide weaknesses from. Or that i've just been so tired for so many years.",Bipolar +50151,"Is there another you? I'm aware this sounds like psychosis, I have an appointment set up, it isn't until next week. I'm making this post wondering if anyone else experiences something like this. +When my meds stop working or im in a depressive episI have a voice in my head that is me, but she's mean and hateful only towards me. +For example, I go to do the pile of dishes at the sink I've promised to wash for 3 days and she starts telling me that my husband hates me and I should just give up and kms. It's just a constant badgering and peanut gallery horseshit. I know I'm going to sound crazier saying this, but I tell her to shut up, and sometimes it works. +I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lick of sense.",Bipolar +46255,"There is hope To those of you out there thinking no one loves you or wants you, please do not give up. I have struggled so much with those thoughts recently. I was having a particularly bad day while spending time with my boyfriend this past weekend. He recognized that I wasn't doing well without me having to say anything. I told him there wasn't anything he could do to help and that I just had to work through it. He kissed me on my forehead and told me he loves me unconditionally and that broke my bad spell. It took me a bit to fully pull out of it. + +If I can find someone who loves me, there is hope for every single one of us. Please do not give up. Focus on yourself and someone will come along. Remember, if you're gone, they won't be able to find you. ",Bipolar +45920,"Medical marijuana- does it help or hurt? I have a few diagnosed mental health conditions. I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety as a child and cyclothymia as an adult. My current therapist sees BPD traits too. + +I changed psychiatric care providers and during my intake appointment the APRN suggested medical marijuana. They told me it would increase the efficacy of the stimulant and mood stabilizer I am on. They also claimed they would be able to replace the benzos I dislike taking. + +My childhood was absolutely difficult but I don't really see how it would result in PTSD (the only psychiatric condition that medical marijuana is approved for in my state) + +I am looking for studies and information about the use of medical marijuana in combination with traditional psychiatric care and therapy. Is there any validity to the claims it will help boost my medication? I am quite interested in CBD for anxiety. I have used marijuana in the past recreationally and of course I like it. Just this fact makes me feel like a big phony. I'm concerned but mostly because I can't find much research on it. Any help is appreciated. + +",Bipolar +50033,"Housekeeping Therapy One of the first indicators that I'm about to have an episode (manic or depressive) is I stop cleaning. It's been that way since I was a kid.My parents were afraid I'd be a hoarder. When I moved back home, I hired a cleaning lady for my parents house because I didn't want to argue with them about my bedroom after coming home from work. It was AMAZING. When I moved out I didn't have the budget for her to come to my apartment. The first year couple of years I did great, but then I started grad school during the pandemic. I got overwhelmed quickly. I had enough in my budget to hire her and it's kept me healthy! She comes every 2 weeks. That motivates me to do laundry and throw away trash so it's not in her way. I wish more people could afford this as a mental health service.",Bipolar +49673,"Clean and taking my meds. I took y'all's advice, started taking my meds, quit cocaine. In a much better head space. 3 weeks clean. Thank you. I knew what to do but needed to be told to do it. +Edit: I also got a job!",Bipolar +45677,"roommate possible BP with Manic episodes? Long Story short, good friend of mine we were friends/roommates for 4 years on and off while we were in different states. He always seemed san while like everyone had his bugs. During few weeks when he used quiet a bit of LSD, some DMT he changed... +First couple days he was hyped up with some grandiose ideas.....from whats you would explain with ambitions up to thinking can control internet, has allergy for wifi and stuff like that.... After couple days of bad sleep, some weed it would get worse and come back again. At some point he would come up to me (fell asleep at tv) as says you and your dog have to go.... and one time i was able to explain him thats is was delusion... Another time he became violent and almost attacked me with a knife which is another story. +It seemed to calm down after that and even he acknowledged the irrationality of his behavior. +Today i was on the edge. He txted me and asked whether i saw hi wallet? Is looking in kitchen, replied - no, not here. To which he demanded that i look better and then said that i should go for a walk and find his wallet. I was tired of this shit and started getting dog for a walk, and putting shoes on. He became violent saying everything here is his and shit like that. Started grabbing dog, who started to bite him, to which he went manic saying - see he bites me, ill sue you for 1 mil $$ and again tries to take my shit away. I fought him off and went for a walk with dog, he followed me and started grabbing, attacking me to take my dog or what not. At that point we were 500 yards from house on street... he was saying like stop resisting you know what im capable off, there are cars driving beside - somebody can die.... at that point a moto -cop drove by and stopped, long story short they let us go. I didn't try to press charges.... but what can i do? Lately his sleep is better, but in 1 minute there can be a change in mood, and sometimes with delusional thought and all kind of stuff going on. I myself have been sleep depraved last 14 days... trying to manage my life... and his.... and im not a nanny. + I can't move out for another month or two? He himself doesn't have family here in states, but basically isn't self sustainable and im afraid of him being so unstable.... + + +Anything i can do? Do you think it sounds like he could be BP? Im thinking of contacting his parents for any advice... but as i said they are overseas. + +",Bipolar +49642,"Tired of being sick Bipolar 1. Been diagnosed for 20 years. Treatment resistant depression and anxiety, with migraines. + +I have no quality of life. The world/people/TV/movies drive me crazy, give me migraines. Severe depression and severe anxiety. Nothing works. I’m like a freakazoid. Miserable day in day out. Trapped like I’m shackled in a dungeon. Isolated. And I can’t break out. + +I’ve tried everything. Meds. ECT. TMS. Ketamine. Talk therapy. + +ECT was effective, but the effects only lasted for 2 weeks at a time. My doc made me stop after around 30 ECTs for fear of long term side effects (memory/cognitive issues). But I have memory/cognitive issues from my depression. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. + +I have suicidal ideation. I feel trapped.",Bipolar +46480,"I feel very vanilla It feels like I missed a manic episode and went straight to dissociation after the holiday blues. + +&#x200B; + +Work is boring and long and stressful, which makes my free time essentially the same since I feel a responsibility to make the good times count, or whatever. + +&#x200B; + +I don't know, I just feel like I am in a rut that grows more like a valley with each passing day. + +&#x200B; + +I didn't really have any intentions with this post, I just felt the need to say my peace.",Bipolar +46266,"Why does Seroquil sometimes cause hallucinations when it is also meant to suppress them? Just increased dose and I'm starting to get auditory and slight visual hallucinations. I don't have schizophrenia though, I take 300mg seroquel and 200mg lamotragine for bipolar II. It's not that bad though, the worst side effect I get is congested sinuses and the odd dizzy spell. It does seem to work well for what it's supposed to do otherwise. + +Anyone else experience these?",Bipolar +45984,"ADD Inattentive and BiPolar II ... anyone else? Hi there, +I am 30 yo female who was diagnosed as ADD Inattentive in Highschool, prescribed all those study candies and made it through college (where I began binge drinking and smoking pot)... also had a bout of serious depression and started Lexapro, which lasted only about two years . I am very petite and was taking high doses of Vyvanse (70mg) and also Adderall (30mg tab) for studying. I had what I would call my first “episode” in college after smoking a bowl... fast forward to five years out of college and still taking Adderall and vyvanse and ambien, gained about 40lbs. I wanted off of that shit so I quit taking it and quit seeing my doc. When I didn’t have any left since I stopped seeing the doc, I became addicted to Benadryl (3 at night) just to sleep. + +Anyway, I went on a trip and got some pot candy, and I got sick and then I was prescribed a 10 mg prednisone. That’s when the mania started, it was full blown mania for about 10 days, before I went to the hospital. I don’t remember everything but I was signing everything! I couldn’t stop, it was weird. + +Anyway sorry for the long post, my new doc has me on Seraquel 200mg and vistiril along with a bunch of supplements (I am trying to get away from big pharma). My problem is now I am still very distracted due to the inattentive ADD, during work I don’t work and I’ll pick at split ends or google stuff that’s irrelevant. My new doc said NO to stimulants and even said I should not drink coffee. He also said I can do pot or alcohol but it is dis-inhibiting, so basically watch out. Now I am in a depressed state, and I should be happy. + +My question to others is how do you deal with bipolar and inattentive add? It’s a tough combo but I am trying to take things one day at a time. ",Bipolar +49785,"oh i guess my mania might have got me in a bit of a pickle i was manic a while ago, and i finally checked my email. i applied for colleges when i was manic and i LIED on the forms and i signed things that said i would get fined for lying. i also hired an attorney to sue ppl 🤷🏼‍♀️, but it gets worse, it’s my friends dad. + +i guess this is just a good rule, check your emails after a manic episode",Bipolar +45458,"New sub created for depressed fellows to make friends :) Hi everyone! We understand how tough it is to go through depression alone, and how important emotional support can be. Thus, we have created a platform catered specifically for depressed redditors to share their social experiences and make friends with one another!. This new sub is called /r/FriendsForDepressed/, and we gladly invite you to join our subreddit! Thank you for reading and we hope you have a nice day ahead :)",Bipolar +46476,"Idk what to do I don’t want to do therapy or meds anymore. + +I don’t want a therapist telling me what to think or meds making me feel ways I’m not supposed to feel . +I just want to have control over my body and i feel like everyone is telling me what do with it . +Honestly I feel like everyone around me is so stupid. They don’t know anything about me . Like I don’t need that stuff I’m fine on my own . +I feel like everyone is trying to control me or mess me up. +I feel like I can’t do this anymore +I feel like everything around me is going so slow and I’m really confused about my life rn + + +",Bipolar +50227,"So frustrated with myself... I was just diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago, even though for the last 10 years I've been telling them that I thought I was. I have manic episodes but they only last a couple days, then I go straight back into depression. When I am depressed I completely withdraw from society and go into my shell. I won't answer the phone or texts, and I avoid doing any tasks because of a complete lack of motivation, and some sort of fear about dealing with things that might be unpleasant. + + I'm on short term disability from work for this and an autoimmune disease, and I need to turn in papers by March 23rd from my doctor ir else they will not approve my claim. I've been laying here in bed for days, not bathing, and in this cycle of not doing the paperwork but then feeling guilty about it, and its fucking miserable. + +I know that avoiding the paperwork is only causing me to make the anxiety and problem worse, but even the thought of likely losing my job isn't enough to overcome the lack of motivation. I'm about to call my doctor and ask about a change of med dosage. I guess I just wanted to vent to someone that might understand what I'm going through.",Bipolar +46673,why did i drink coffee at 4 pm honestly though i'm thankful for my meds which will allow me to get much needed sleep. i hope that this is okay to say. ,Bipolar +45998,"Two week long depressive episode I have been deeply depressed for two weeks. My psychiatrist doubled my dose of my mood stabilizer so that may play a part, but lately getting out of bed has been nearly impossible. I am on the brink of losing my job because I can’t get myself to plaster on a fake smile. My friends don’t want anything to do with me because I’m such a downer. My mom thinks I’m just being lazy. I’ve lost interest in everything and have spent hours just staring at my ceiling. Can feel my quality of life diminish and my doctor can’t see me for another three weeks. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’m scared. ",Bipolar +47052,"No contact order with my best friend has been lifted. Now struggling to rebuild broken relationships. We have spoken, and I was able to apologize. She said she misses me, only wants The best for me, and that I shouldn't hate myself over what I did, but it doesn't feel like enough. How can I move on when the last thing I said to her was that I wanted to cut her veins out. Truth is, I was blackout drunk and meant to say that about myself, but stil... I put my best friend in physical danger and wasn't able to apologize for months afterward. + +Really struggling not to have a relapse. It feels like I put a band-aid over the last year of my life and now that it's time to rip it off, I'm realizing the wound is still bleeding. + +Not sure what the point of this post is. Anyone else been through this?",Bipolar +46123,"Does anybody else see someone else in the mirror? Lately I’m so consumed with negativity that when I look in the mirror I’m surprised to see someone who isn’t consumed with darkness. + +I feel like freaking Gollum! + +Can y’all relate?",Bipolar +49625,"Is getting bored with your job a trait of being Bipolar? I was diagnosed when I was 35. I’m 39 now. I have had so many 3 months jobs in the last two years. I get bored very quickly and I feel like the work isn’t challenging enough. I was recently diagnosed as ADHD and am medicated for that as well. It has still not helped. I’ve been with my current job for 6 months. I’m having the same problem. I get paid very well for what is expected of me but there’s so much down time. Hence the boredom. Does this happen to anyone else? And if so, how do you combat this feeling?",Bipolar +45746,"I had to quit my job Rant incoming. I just need to get this out and share. + +I'm medicated and pretty well stable for the last 5 years. + +My job was so incredibly stressful the last few months. I was coming home every day, with no energy to cook dinner or clean, and mostly just spending my evenings watching tv and or crying. I didn't know what to do. There's an extra element of stress to a stressful job when you're bipolar, as I don't know if the job is really the problem, or if I'm going into an episode. + +My 1-up manager was away on a Friday, so I spoke to my 2-up manager and said I wasn't coping with the stress and would like to hand in my resignation. I didn't ask for any special treatment, just offered my resignation. He asked me to just think about it for the weekend and we'd discuss it again on the Monday. + +On the Monday, he brought my 1-up into the discussion. They offered me some leniencies, and said they'd figured the job might actually be a 2 person job back when they hired me, and they'd reassess the business plan and asked if I'd be happy to stay if the job was cut in half. I said I couldn't offer a commitment, but I'd be willing to try. + +At the end of that week, I heard from one of my colleagues that my 1 up had told him that I ""spat the dummy"" and ""didn't want to do the hard work anymore"". I was furious. I was humiliated. Not only was my supposedly confidential conversation with management not confidential, but it was totally changed to make me look like a whiner. + +I spoke to my partner and he agreed this was not on and that I need to get out of that place. So I took a week of stress leave (sick leave officially). During my week off sick, I received 47 (not a typo!) calls from work from people expecting me to do things and make decisions. While I was sick! + +I realised the only time I was badly stressed during that week was when I woke up and had that instant dread of thinking I had to go to work, and when I received a call. Otherwise I felt ok. I called up on the last day and resigned. + +Today is my 5th day of unemployment and I am so, so happy. I feel almost back to normal again. I still get stressed if I think about having to apply for jobs, but that's ok, because I've decided to give myself at least 6 weeks off to decompress from that stressful job before I start looking again. + +*The point of this message*: no job is worth more than your mental health. Save money! Be prepared to be unemployed for a while if you need to, because shitty jobs will come along, and you need to be able to get out. I've never in my life been so happy to have some savings, and I don't mind if I blow through it all over the next 6 months. I'm just happy to be out.",Bipolar +46347,"Distraught over symptoms and diagnosis I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 over summer after being hospitalised for a manic episode where I became acutely psychotic. Since then I’ve experience a mixed episode,during which I displayed psychotic symptoms and have been pretty stable for about two weeks. Last week I became really paranoid for a few days. I feel very suspicious of my parents, who I live with, and kept thinking they had been altered and weren’t their original selves. I also had several auditory hallucinations for just one day. This whole this is extremely worrying as I have been violent when psychotic before (if I feel my life’s in danger, I’ll fight and have assaulted staff). + +I have a great MH team but I’m hiding things from them, I don’t want to tell them about potential psychotic stuff because I can��t face it, I can’t face them suggesting I’m Schizoaffective or prone to psychosis or this is going to happen again. I just don’t want to even think about it. I don’t want this to be happening. I’ve worked hard to get into university and want to get my degree and not be sick (already been signed off for like two month - drs orders). + +I think if they suggest I might be regularly psychotic or more than BP (which I’m already struggling with) I might end it. I don’t want to put people through episodes time and time again, the last ones were hellish enough and it’s not fair. I’m drinking to cope but am epileptic and constantly consumed by guilt. My parents are away for two weeks and I’ve asked for them to be cut out I’m my care updates whilst they’re away so they can enjoy their holiday. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this. ",Bipolar +46794,"I faked my bipolar disorder for two years, and I feel awful First of all - Sorry. I faked it because I wanted to be helped and I thought faking some symptoms next to my real ones would allow me to be relieved of my symptoms sooner. I was in pain. + + +I was having trouble; stress, depression, anxiety and terrible racing thoughts. I tried to find help but felt I wasn't being taken seriously by my psychologist and psychiatrist at the time; they diagnosed me with very mild autism, a lifelong condition you're born with; I was having trouble for 8 months. I googled my symptoms for days until I was convinced I had bipolar disorder. I told my psychiatrist I was seeing things, and that I was paranoid. I said that so they too would be convinced and help me get rid of those terrible racing thoughts. I ended up becoming more convinced that all of this was real. The depression got worse and worse, after a few more months I didn't want to live anymore. The racing thoughts stopped after a month of rest. The antipsychotics they put me on afterwards made me sleep all day, which was nice at first, but I lost all motivation a little while later. The antipsychotics also made me fat, which I didn't like. I was also put on lithium, which made me thirsty and made my hands tremble. At a certain point in time, I was no longer depressed. Shortly afterwards, I went on a long holiday to my parents in Africa, where I stopped taking my antipsychotics. I still take lithium, but I'm planning to stop taking that as well. I would just like to say that I do not recommend anyone to stop taking their meds; I took a lot of risks doing that and I just ended up lucky, because it turns out that I do not have bipolar disorder. I had a 2 year long bout of depression and (for 9 months) had terrible racing thoughts, triggered by (I think) burn-out syndrome, an existential crisis and possible anxiety.",Bipolar +49634,"The Daunting Task of Living Trigger warning so much sad shit mention of suicide + + + + + + + + + + +This last two ish years have been the worst of my life starting may 2021 my father committed suicide followed by two weeks later my 21 year old cousin, this is the third family suicide. Flash forward to May 2022 I drove myself to the hospital fearing Id be alone and unable to be safe on the anniversary of his death. This is the occasion where I actually learned im bipolar and have been on the wrong meds for 12 years. Im a 34(f), I have lots of beautiful things about my life, a husband a dog a ridiculous garden. But man I dont know how to not feel completely daunted looking both forward and back and having one really solid year of stability in my brain with various other degrees of stability but lots of struggle just to float. How do I not just feel angry and scared that I have to live in this body in this brain with this trauma for the rest of it?",Bipolar +50453,How do you manage feeling down about the future because of your diagnosis? Sometimes I feel really down when an “up” ends and I’m depressed once again. I want the cycling to stop but I know my up and down intense emotions will probably always be a part of my life. How do you deal with this?,Bipolar +49550,"Being the crazy lady I’m 61 now and was diagnosed bipolar 1 at 28. It’s quite severe, I get psychotic and inhabit a whole alternate reality. Despite taking meds religiously all these years, and trying so many different combos, I still average one manic episode per year and they can go on for months. The consequences of the episodes have been serious, especially when younger. I haven’t been able to hold a job and am on disability. + +Unlike many of you that I see here I am often not able to ‘catch’ myself, and once it’s at a certain point I lose all insight and am belligerent if people try to suggest I’m not ok. Last year I seemed to have a good year and felt more hopeful and optimistic than for some time. But that came crashing down when I was suddenly arrested and dragged off to hospital in the New Year (I’d done nothing criminal but I guess I must’ve been acting strange). + +One of the hardest things for me is the shame and humiliation for how I acted when manic while being adamant that there was nothing wrong with me. In retrospect I could have been seriously harmed or worse when I used to roam around the streets at night and do risky things. Nowadays I mostly just post obnoxious nonsense online and get myself banned or blocked. I’ve lost friends, like many of us. That irresistible desire to communicate seeks an outlet, you know? + +I just wondered if anyone could relate.",Bipolar +46773,"Lost it during D&D Hey everyone, BP1, long time sufferer and diagnosed almost for a decade now (around 7-8yrs ago) + +&#x200B; + +I have been struggling, recently I have found out I am pre-diabetic, and that my years of self medication mixed with regular meds has done a number on my liver. This has caused me to go on a diet, and change my regular intake of food, essentially being 275lbs at 5'8"" is not a great thing. I've been agitated by just about everything, couple that with a mixed state and it's a powder keg waiting to explode in rage. + +&#x200B; + +To get to the point; I was being nit-picked by 2 fairly pedantic friends who are playing characters in the game I am DM'ing. I could tell that this was going to be something they were planning on doing for the entirety of the session, so I decided to try and nip it in the bud, what started off as a joke turned into a full on rage rant. No profanity or throwing specific individuals under the bus, more so a blanket warning that I will not be taking shit from anyone. + +&#x200B; + +My face turned red, a couple members laughed at the rant, others seemed stunned, and I felt like a prick. I haven't apologized yet, but now I feel like a complete asshole. I feel stretched thin, down, and exhausted. + +&#x200B; + +So yeah,... I'm a dick head dungeon master... + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +50380,Constant Drowsiness on meds? Does anyone else experience this? I can’t really describe it other than it feels like I can’t keep my eyes open or concentrate- it’s not just feeling tired. I’ve gone down in dosages three times and am still having this problem. All else seems okay though? From what I’ve read online drowsiness is common with bipolar meds but I haven’t seen any suggestions to help it?,Bipolar +45428,"I'm on klonopin but it doesn't seem to be very effective anymore... The background (which can be skipped if you'd like): + +I've been on benzos for about 16 years. At one point (when I was 20-21) I was put on on Xanax 6mg/day which is obscene. I think this increased my tolerance. At the time, I was also very depressed (maybe exasperated by the Xanax) and drinking a liter of vodka a day. + +Needless to say, after a bit of homelessness and finally moving to a different state, I was slowly tapered down on Valium. I was relatively stable in that and then was forced to move again to another state where they refused to prescribe any benzos or any adequate medications for my bipolar disorder. + +I ended up staying in the house for about nine months because I was too anxious to leave. I would go to my psych appointments with no progress on getting them to put me on something that worked for the intense depression I was in. I *was* seeing a psychiatrist at the time who I really connected with and miss him but have never found another one who I don't feel is judging my life. + +I quit drinking cold turkey 5 years ago and have never had any more problems with that. + +However, I was then forced to move to yet *another* state where I couldn't find any psychiatric treatment whatsoever as was unmediated and in a mixed episode for over a year. I did finally get into psychiatric treatment by going inpatient and was put back on klonopin 3mg/day which I'm told is a high dose. + +Then my psychiatrist suddenly died and his clinic closed. Two months later, I got an appointment with my wonderful new psychiatrist and was back on track. Unfortunately, the klonopin doesn't seem to have much effect on me. I've taken 10mg at once with absolutely no effect (I'm aware this is dangerous as fuck but apparently not for me). + +To the current situation: + +I am looking for a change. My anxiety level is very high but vaping with nicotine (I have never been an actual cigarette smoker) seems to help quite a bit but not entirely. + +With the Klonopin not doing its job, I feel like a different benzo might be a potential answer. I don't want to be back on Xanax and Valium didn't do much either. Has anyone been in a similar situation with tolerance and successfully switched to a more effective benzo? If so, any suggestions?",Bipolar +47005,"I somehow nailed my phone interview so well they offered me three bucks more than the starting rate. I’m very happy about it because it’s something I can be proud of, make decent money and keep work at part time which suits my needs perfectly. For two days I’ve just been smiling and laughing and crying haha. Anyway wanted to share.",Bipolar +46799,"Seeing “signs from the universe” everywhere. 1:11 2:22 3:33 4:44 5:55 every time I look at the time. Opened Reddit while contemplating how unhealthy cigarettes are (as I’m smoking) first thing I read is a showerthought about how no other industry could survive after killing over 400 million people besides cigarettes. Was talking to my wife about how I’ve been seeing multiples of 11 everywhere and she says “someone gave me a book today” and pulls out a book which has the subtitle the meaning of 111,222,333 and other number sequences” + + +I know this is a symptom and I’m probably ramping up to being hypomanic, but the cognitive difference between understanding that- and my experience of actually seeing it and feeling like the universe is trying to tell me something- is a real mind fuck. + +Hope you all are having productive and meaningful days. This sub definitely gets me through most days. ",Bipolar +49926,"PhD program and worsening symptoms hi guys. i’ll keep it short. basically, my PhD program made me feel like i’m getting whittled down over the past 8 months and i finally snapped today. like the title says, i’ve become increasingly symptomatic and can hardly leave the house or stop crying. i’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 1, anxiety, and PTSD. i’m wondering if anyone here has also gone to grad school and can give me some tips on how to handle it? + +i love the subject material but i have had net negative experiences both in the school environment and the state i moved to for the program. i’m not sure if it is program specific or if this is just all grad school programs.",Bipolar +49888,"Medication compliance and organization tips? I’m a 24 year old female, diagnosed in 2012 and I have always had struggles with facing the beast of medications… organizing them and seeing it all in front of me gets so overwhelming… I just don’t. Even picking them up from the pharmacy is a lot to handle sometimes that I wait to pick them up. Or if at all. + +Whether it’s for my ADHD, Bipolar, pain management, rx vitamins.. it’s always an internal struggle. The cognitive dissonance between knowing I’m actively making the decision to not take them and knowing I want to get better is a difficult thing to face. I don’t know how to make it click or how to start. + +I’ve heard this is unfortunately a common occurrence for people with my particular diagnosis. If you have organizational advice or advice on a mentality switch- please advise.",Bipolar +45413,"[Trigger Warning Suicide] - Why is it a bad thing? I'm not really sure what to put here. I'm dysfunctional. I've tried everything I can think of, from therapy, CBT and going to my doctor to exercise, dieting, lifestyle changes, meditation, supplements and so on. I can't access meds. I don't have any offline support network. + +The past year was the year with the least depression for me. I didn't really want to die anymore but I wouldn't have minded either way. I tried all of the above things. I still doubt I can ever hold down a job, have a relationship or study. I'm pretty close to being kicked out of school again. + +This past week the day I spent the most time not crying or laying in bed was new years eve. I think 2 hours for a movie and 2 hours for a meal with family. I could bear to listen to music today and didn't throw up my lunch so that's an improvement. + +But even at my best, I don't know what to do. I just don't want to live. The thought has bounced around here and there for years. And medication or not, my broken brain will never be fixed. + +Why would it be a bad thing to go?",Bipolar +46016,"Newly diagnosed Bipolar looking for support and somewhere to vent All of my social media platforms are shared with family and friends, have nowhere to openly rant about society. So here I am! Almost two months ago I finally got my diagnosis after years of instability. Learning to live a different- routined life has been a challenge. I wake up to a handful of medications and see a therapist now weekly. + +Most of it isn't a big deal. I've known about my mental health for as long as I can I can remember. Now, it's coming out of the ""bipolar closet"". + +My meds give me a rash on my chest that is extremely noticeable, but they keep me stable. I am emotional and cry, but I was so depressed that I hadn't cried in a year. + +I don't really know where I'm going with this. But, what helps you? What calms your manic episodes? What gets you out of been when your depression wins the battle? ",Bipolar +50266,"Energy Expunge circumstances, + +Tired of the bland Midwest, + +Too rural, + +Too passive aggressive, + +I want to be manic in the city, + +Chongqing clubs and hotpot make me warm, + +Ahhh, the energy, + +Living in hotels, + +No stability, + +Swing me like a pendulum, + +I want passion and extravagance, + +I’m not meant for the norms expected of my thirties, + +I want to be a wreck, + +Passed out on the floor, + +Chaos gives birth to experience, + +I have so many, + +But what to do with them?",Bipolar +49761,,Bipolar +49684,"Sexual consent during psychotic manic episodes Can consent for sexual acts be given during psychotic manic episodes? Visual hallucinations seeing other people's faces on different people, auras around people, massive delusions, euphoria, etc involved. How debilitated must one be to not be able to give consent?",Bipolar +49997,Making fun of bipolar mood disorder I am a diagnosed bipolar it's been 2 years since i've been medically diagnosed after being hospitalised in a psych ward due to it. Knowing this my sister and mother decided it would be fun to crack a joke on how they're bipolar because of how moody they are and how they can go from happy to angry very fast. I was so pissed but everytime i try to speak up i get shut down by either or both of them because apparently i'm not bipolar enough as if something like that could exist.,Bipolar +49734,"I'm spiraling out of control and being diagnosed with a deadly virus, with a cure that costs $70k-90k. I'm splitting on everyone I know and actively trying to make my situation worse that way I can't come back from it.. (bipolar 2 + BPD) A week and a half ago I was diagnosed with hepatitis c. A deadly virus that costs about $70,000-$90,000 to cure. (I work an entry level retail job and can't afford it) + +This diagnosis caused me to go from feeling on top of the world, and stable, to actively wanting to die, feeling that nobody wants me around or loves me, and splitting on everyone around me. + +Today I told the people I'm close to that I'm suicidal, and then I blocked them all. + +I don't want relationships anymore. I always let people down, and I don't feel like anybody ""needs me"". I genuinely don't want to be close to anyone again, because either I get let down, or I let them down, or I push them away. + +It's only going to be a matter of time before I am fired from my job, and I'm homeless. I don't have any food, as I don't have a car or a way to get it, and I'm miserable. + +I've been writing ""letters"" if you get what I'm saying. And I've been planning things out in my head.. + +I feel like this isn't something I can pull myself out of. + +Even if I did manage to start feeling better, I'd still me an unwanted outcast with a deadly, contagious virus. I hate myself, I hate my life.",Bipolar +50595,"imposter syndrome sucks this sucks. i feel like a stranger. + +it feels like everyone has stronger or more intense symptoms than i do. my therapist keeps telling me that labels arent everything and that she treats the individual not the diagnosis. it made me feel like crap when she said that. like the diagnosis, the name, the labels i always chased to get that sense of validation we’re all meaningless. + +and now i keep thinking that something is wrong with me. but maybe it’s not BP2? + +my psychiatrist is tapering me off lexapro and will be adding lamotrigine soon. i am week 5 on wellbutrin. she wouldn’t be doing this is there wasn’t something actually on the bipolar spectrum right?",Bipolar +46475,"How do you guys manage a job? Im 20/f, and i got dignosed with various mood disorders when i was 16. I’m falling into some kind of weird mixed state. Super high highs but just as bad lows. The lows don’t last as long but they’re just as severe. The highs are so high they are unbearable. I work at UPS. I’m a supervisor. I can’t file for FMLA because I haven’t been there a year yet, but many of my higher ups know my situation. I can’t just call off, i have employees to look after. I can’t just not show up, either. I’m stuck. I need time to sleep and see my new doctor next week. I’m between doctor and medications, and I’m doing all I can to help myself right now. I just can’t control these emotions, these feelings, these things I thought I understood but suddenly lose grasp on when a trigger comes around. ",Bipolar +45557,"I think Seroquel makes me manic Hi guys. Posted here awhile back about switching to Seroquel from Abilify bc I was so tired I couldn’t function. Ive been on just 100mg of Seroquel for 2 months and holy shit.. + +I went almost THIRTY percent over budget last month, constantly picked fights with my (now ex) boyfriend, etc. + +So, all of that to say, anyone have a similar experience? I’m so fucking depressed too but not sure if I would be if pretty much my whole life hadn’t completely gone off the rails lately. + +TIA y’all ??",Bipolar +46959,"Changing meds is never easy Since I’ve been stable I am weaning off klonopin. I’ve done it before and it’s not the most fun thing but tolerable. + +At the same time I’m starting vyvanse for binge eating. I was already doing weight watchers and since September I’ve lost 21 lbs, but I’ve got about 70 more to go - this is a result of an episode that was triggered by going through a lot of life changes in a short period of time. The weight has caused me to have severe social anxiety. + +My doctor has known me since before I gained the weight and knows what a struggle it’s been. She knows this weight is not normal for me but as a result of the self-medicating with food. I see her again in a week or so since medications are changing. + +The vyvanse is helping so much regarding I was always sleeping during the day on weekends, I never had any energy, plus I’m not binge eating as often. But I’m getting emotional again. + +My main symptom isn’t panic, but is crying. I cry and cry when I’m unstable. It’s creeping up on me. I’m afraid if I tell my doctor she will stop the vyvanse and it’s helping me so much. But I also know how important it is to be honest with your doctor. + +There is no point to this other than to share my struggle among others who will understand. ",Bipolar +46570,"I am spiraling. Yesterday my panic attack lasted basically all day and today I've been waking up crying. Like the title says, I feel like I'm losing the battle again. I'm on Lamictal, but this weekend something triggered me and I've been failing to cope. Someone who I thought was my friend invited me to hang out and I had to drive quite a bit so it wasn't like a spur of the moment thing. Then my friend ditched me to hang out with someone else and left me with his friends who I had just met that night. I left in the morning (I was staying over) and they never came back. I did something kind of petty to get back at them and when I called to apologize, they said they ""owed me a call, but were out with their friend X right now"", so that made me feel even more like shit because apparently it's ok to ditch me, but not step out for a phone call. I really cared about this person and it just sucks to be treated like I'm disposable. Normal me would have been able to handle things better, but I smoked some (A LOT) of pot on Friday and it triggers my moods. I don't know how I'm going to get over this because my chemicals seem to be all out of whack. I just feel like life is a freaking rollercoaster of crap and I don't think I have the strength anymore. I just want to stay in bed for the rest of my life. I've also been single for a LONG time and it's because I've been unmedicated for most of my life until recently, but I still have moments of crazy. Who out there could even deal with this shit? I am so alone. ",Bipolar +50202,Medication I haven't taken my medication in months because I lacked health insurance and could not find someone to sign off on prescriptions. I have insurance now and can afford my medication. Has any of you started medication after being off it for some time? What was it like? Should I be worried I'll have an episode?,Bipolar +45592,"Dad needs help with son's bipolar 2 My 18 year old son was diagnosed a few weeks ago with bipolar 2 with psychotic features. Prior to this he was being treated for anxiety with zoloft. About a year ago he started smoking pot to help with the anxiety and convinced me that it was better for him than zoloft. As of last October he started zoloft AND weed. Since then he's had deep depression and some scary ""rages"". + +He agreed to go see a psychiatrist and that's when he got the diagnosis. The doctor prescribed Latuda but he complained about extra anxiety, then when the dose went up to 40mg he had a severe reaction of akathisia and panic attack. + +So he stopped taking it and we have an appointment in a few days with the pdoc. + +He keeps insisting that we find a drug with no side effects or he goes back to smoking. He thinks the doctor is stupid and isn't worried about how THC might make paranoia worse. + +I don't think he knows just how irritable he is almost all the time. I walk on tiptoes worrying that something I say will trigger a 2 hour lecture. Looking at other med options it seems Seroquel might be better since it helps with anxiety but he looked at the side effect list and balked. + +How do I convince him to keep trying until he finds something that works for him? This seems like a catch 22, he thinks he's smarter than the pdoc but that belief would go away on the right med. + +I love my son! I want him to feel ""normal"". But nothing in my life has prepared me for how to handle this.",Bipolar +46626,"Anyone had Strattera-induced hypomania? I've been diagnosed with ADHD recently and stimulant medication isn't working too well for me. I'm trying Concerta soon, but if that doesn't work my only other option is Strattera. But I've seen a couple of articles saying that they've induced hypomania in a couple of people. Is it like an anti-depressant in that sense where it can cause mania in people with Bipolar?",Bipolar +50586,How quick did your medication begin working for you? I began taking Lamotrogine 15 days ago and I've been looking for any changes I've seen in myself ever since then. I notice that I do feel a little more disciplined or maybe even stable but I'm unsure whether or not I'm just having a good week or it's the medication. My doctor said I would likely feel a difference in four weeks so I'm keeping that in mind but I just wanted to see what everyone else's experience with the medication was.,Bipolar +49511,Lowering dose of Latuda I have been stable for 2 years now and titrated my Latuda down from 60 mg to 40 mg because I was oversleeping. It’s much better now but I want to talk to my doctor about reducing it down to 20 mg to make the sleep even better. Is 20 mg a maintenance dose for bipolar type 1? I’m confused why my doctor prescribed me Latuda when I don’t experience depression symptoms and only had one manic episode a couple years ago.,Bipolar +45802,"Back to the psychiatrist... I sat in the parking lot outside of work today and finally made another appointment with my psychiatrist after three months of quitting medication. I'm so tired of feeling depressed and *angry* and nauseous and paranoid. I'm in a mixed episode and my method of keeping my head down and waiting it out isn't working well for me. + +Music sounds strange. Voices and lights are overwhelming. Road rage spills out of me and I'm horrified but unable to stop...and when I'm not behind the wheel my feet drag, I have trouble focusing, every small task a huge ordeal. I haven't cooked in weeks -- I'm either overeating or not eating at all -- and I'm spending way too much money on delivery and drive-thru's. I'm anxious and irritable and bitter and hopeless and yet I know, logically, that I have no reason to feel this way. + +I was on medication for six months before I stopped taking everything cold turkey. The lamotragine and wellbutrin had helped a lot at first when I was in a similar state last spring, but I wasn't convinced that I needed them anymore (or that my bipolar diagnosis was even accurate) and I was a couple of weeks away from losing my insurance indefinitely. + +It's been a whirlwind of a winter. I went through it all: + +Euphoric hypomania around the holidays. Huge spending, not sleeping or eating, hanging out with everybody, falling in love, lots of drinking and partying and being merry. I could so easily sink karaoke in front of hundreds of my coworkers at the holiday party or confess my love for my best friend or *be curiously spontaneous*. + +Followed by a crash. Depression. Self medicating. Waking up with a feeling of dread. Not wanting to leave the house, go to work, get out of bed. I quit my food industry job, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped replying to texts and calls. + +Started feeling better for a week or two before *bam* here we are. Mixed episode. + +I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I don't want to be on medication or accept that I have bipolar, but I'm willing to try if it gets me out of this horribly distressing mess. I don't know where to start except to post here and not be in the dark about what I've been going through these past few months (as well as the past decade). And I'm fortunate to have a wonderful psychiatrist. It helps with going back. + +Words of encouragement needed.",Bipolar +45536,"UPDATE: I have a 2nd job interview tomorrow Today was a heck of a day. I applied for this radio station job last week with the expectation that I would work part-time doing the news and some office work. It's not my ideal dream scenario but it's a job in radio, which I love more than anything else. + +I walked into the interview today and knocked it out of the park. So much so that the owner is going a completely different direction with me. He offered me a morning drive show simulcast on two of their stations. They've never done a live, local show on this radio station. Like...ever. + +I wrote this in my initial post, but getting into radio was part of my therapy and mental well-being. The idea was that if I did something I loved that mentally/creatively stimulated me then I would be prone to having fewer episodes and just be in a better place overall. + +This proved to mostly work. I was able to be creative to a point but I was still restricted by someone else's parameters. This new job would offer me the chance to build something from the ground up. It's giving me the opportunity to build my own brand. I've always looked at radio as a form of art and I've just been given a blank canvas. + +My wife didn't know how to handle me when I came home today. She hasn't seen me like this in over a year. My moods haven't really cycled; they've pretty much been low and lower. I feel higher than I've felt in a really long time. She couldn't stop smiling and hugging me. + +I just wanted to share this news with someone. I've been under this dark cloud for so long and it's nice to feel good about something for once. Thanks for reading.",Bipolar +45416,Social media Have any of yall started a social media account solely to share about your mental battle?,Bipolar +45598,"Job I’m unemployed and don’t know what to work in. + +What do you guys do?",Bipolar +49705,,Bipolar +46758,"I honestly don't know what to do \*warning rant ahead and me being manic reaching out for something, anything!\* +I am trying to dumb this down as much as I can to fit a general post, so here it goes... + + +YEARS ago, i disowned my friends. Swore them off like they were a plague, mainly to reinforce my manic state of I wasn't good enough for them. Because, seriously, I am not good enough., My mood swings are prevalent, my lack of funds from being manic are there, my general lack of well being keeps me from hanging out so to speak. I dont know what to do. I miss them. The whole friendship arc has worn itself out and I am a side character waiting to be in the story again. So, instead of that, I cut things, Everythings. and here I am, alone and depressed years later reaching out to the interwebs to see what they have to say about my relationship issues. + + +I want to be a part of someones life. I want to be a human again. I want a friend. I want to say ""sure I am ok"" to someone and actually mean it. Its hard and I hate crying and I hate that this is rant and this is how my life is and I hate it. Sorry. + +Thanks for reading. I really don't know what to do. +",Bipolar +46399,"A bit disappointed about psych evaluation I thought I would get a very thorough evaluation but instead I just got 30 minutes of basic questions (I didn't even fill out any forms) and then was told by the pdoc they would treat me for 'bipolar depression'; then I was given a prescription and out the door. I don't know if he thinks it's bipolar 1 or bipolar 2, or if he just hasn't decided yet (can it be tentative?) + +Did I just go to the wrong place? I thought psych evaluations were supposed to be really thorough. It just didn't seem thorough enough to me.",Bipolar +46035,"Hospitalized for the first time This week I was hospitalized for the first time, I had taken benzos and either they mixed with the lamictal poorly or it was a bad source but I was black out for over 12 hours starting and terrified my wife and family. I am embarrassed and ashamed and while black out I talked about many things I'd prefer to have kept hidden, including sexual frustrations and a long struggle with substances including LSD to my mother in law, calling my father and telling him that I was diagnosed even though I hadn't wanted to do so at this point yet. I spent the next 4 days in extreme depression, not eating, showering, talking or sleeping and am finally feeling normal today. I ate, talked with my wife and mother in law today, showered and got my hair cut. I am still extremely embarrassed of the things that happened during that day. I don't know what to do or say or how to fix things I did or said. I feel like I hurt my marriage and my relationship with my mother in law, I'm scared ",Bipolar +46955,"Is this the beginning of the end? Hello Friends, + +So since my hospitalization at the end of December, I have been more stable than I've ever been in a really long time which is great. Recently over the past few days, I've had some increased irritability and very low energy. It could just be stress from work, or it could be the beginning of my next depressive episode. Does anyone else have that sense of panic that sets in when something like this happens? For me it's the fear of losing all the progress I've made when I was stable. It feels like that fear of my mood swinging back down is always on the horizon. Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +50354,,Bipolar +46737,"Manic but I sleep fine (mostly) Usually my mania is racing thoughts, spending money, and some delusions (like that I was going to have sex with a celebrity I was going to meet that night...though part of me still believes I could have ??????????). But usually I sleep fine. Is that a thing?",Bipolar +45778,"(UK) Just been referred for assessment by my doctor as possibly bipolar. Does anyone know what will happen now? Will I have a telephone consultation then a meeting for an actual assessment. What is it like to live with bipolar disorder? Or bipolar 2 disorder? +I'm currently being treated for depression and anxiety and have previous alcohol issues. I don't think I am depressed though, although I have periods of depression. On reading about bipolar disorder I think it makes SO much sense as an explanation of my behaviour and feelings and my doctor agrees. +To make things much harder, we are leaving the area in 6 weeks or so and my referral will have to be transferred to the new place we're living, which might delay things. +My doctor warned me that a diagnosis isn't a quick fix 'medication sorted, now you're fine' sort of thing and I have to make changes to my life also to make myself happier and well, but this feels like a weird sort of relief.",Bipolar +46282,"Just started Latuda - any advice or experiences you could share? Diagnosed BP2, have just been prescribed Latuda and am after any advice or experiences with it. I was on a mix of lamotrogine, Seroquel and zyprexa but I was getting the worst drug hangover to the point where I could barely get to work in the morning. Is there anything similar with Latuda I should be aware of? +I've also just started dexamfetamine for ADHD and if anyone has any experience with that as well I'd love to hear about it.",Bipolar +46479,"So i'm medicated since +- a month now. Hello, + + +After 3 years refusing to take a single pill, i accepted it. I take valproic acids. I have 0 side effects, 3 pills/day. So all goods ! + + +On the psy level, i feel more serene and the depression disapeared. I feel like i can see more clearly the things about my life. I dont feel this hole inside me anymore. I dont feel this deep sadness, its really weird to be free from this. +But there is a second effect. My cynism level is rising sky rocket ! + + +I always been a cynic person with a touch of misanthropism. But now this is a new level of this. I dont see my friends anymore. I dont answer them when they call. To be honnest, i just dont see the point. Before, when i felt lonely and depressed, i needed them to keep my mind busy and dont let the negavity take the control. Now ? Whats the point ? +I evolve in a particular social environment. Wealthy artist people... And now i realize that i dont really like them. + + +Also, the sadness disappeared but i feel 100% lost in life. In a world where wealth, fame, possession seems to be everything i give absolutely no value to this. To be honnest i dont even know what is valuable. Yes well, virtue, honor, compassion, heart are valuable values to me but its just an utopia in this world. I just feel like there is no point to even try to exist in this world. I'm not interested in making a family, not interested in money. As soon as it comes to money i lose all interest in something. The egyptians were buried with their possessions and we are the witness of what it becomes. So whats the point ? + + +Thats my major problem. I thought it was depression. But i think its just myself. I just feel like the modern society is wrong about everything. Like if we missed the purpose of our existence. + + +I remember when i was a kid i watched on tv a report about a temple in Thailand for drugs addicts reability called Tham Krabok. And there was that man, an ex us soldier of fortune who went there to overcome a alcohol addiction. After his rehab he stayed there and became a monk. He died recently after dedicating 30 years of his life to this temple. That is a great life. That is what life should be about. In my opinion ofc. + + +So, all that to say that yes i'm bipolar. Never experienced high psychotic episode. My episode are soft. Just compulsive needs to buy thing to overcome emptyness. Sexual urge and needs. Planing big things but i still quite about it, i never talk about that to people as i remember that its not normal. But the reality will still disappoint me. Without or with medication.... + + +My shrink told me this morning that i would have been an hermit if i was born earlyer. He's so right about it hehe. ",Bipolar +45566,"I want my family and my boyfriend to learn more about bipolar disorder since I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 2. What are some good books or websites to share with them? Basically everything in the title. I haven’t been doing great lately and it’s been taken out on my parents and boyfriend. Have been having more mixed episodes which suck, and then I’m drained and feel nothing. My parents have been getting not mad, but frustrated because they don’t understand. I try explaining to my parents but they don’t want to hear it sometimes which makes me feel like shit, and then my boyfriend doesn’t really understand the way I explain things. He isn’t as frustrated but I can just tell it affects him and I wish it didn’t. ",Bipolar +45925,"What do you do when you have a depressive episode? How do you manage? I'm on effexor 225 mg lamictal 100 mg and depakote 250. :( I want to talk more.. But too much effort. Sorry. + +Edit: thank you every one who answered. It helps to know I'm not alone. ",Bipolar +50555,"Are things going to get any better? So... I usually don't post anything on Reddit, but here we go. + +About eight months ago, I was diagnosed with BP2. I've struggled with mental health issues all my life (anxiety, depression) and developed PTSD at a pretty young age. After a few years of fluctuating emotions I went to see a psychologist, and I got my diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with asperger's syndrome back in 2019. + +I've been on a mood stabilizer (lamictal) since I was diagnosed, and it's made things easier for me, but exam season (last year of high school) is coming up and I lowkey feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm experiencing mixed moods every other week, I can't really sleep anymore, and every day I'm torn between ignoring everyone around me, freaking out, or acting friendly, because I know I shouldn't take my own mental illness out on anyone. I'm either tired, stressed, occasionally productive, or filled with a kind of self-loathing and sadness that I can't even begin to describe. I'm worried I'll be thrown straight into a depressive episode soon, because stress is my biggest trigger. Very few people (two of my friends and my immediate family) know that I'm bipolar, and I don't even want to tell **them** about how I feel right now. I think a lot of people on here can relate to that crushing feeling that you're a burden to your loved ones, even when they tell you you're not. I considered the possibility that things might get better if I told someone, but I just don't have the energy, and I don't want to let people in because I'm ashamed that I'm losing control. Explaining how I feel to someone is difficult (asperger's, yay) and there aren't many people I trust with my emotions. The people I trust are the ones I don't want to burden. + +I wanted to ask, does it get any easier? Not to board the self-pity train or anything, but I'm not even 20, and thinking about the future terrifies me. I don't want to fall apart and fake that I'm okay every time a problem arises. I don't want to isolate myself because I'm scared of affecting people. I don't want to experience all these episodes over and over again. I just... don't know what to do right now. + +Also, if anyone has any advice on how to keep going and staying productive, I'd really appreciate it. <3",Bipolar +46733,"Lady Lithium returns! (And the drama while she was out) The postal service apparently got confused when I meant that when I changed my address, I wanted them to update it in their system. Consequently, I went a total 16 days without Lithium for my Bipolar 2. During this time my bf(21) and I (23) discovered some circumstantial coincidences suggesting that our newly moved in gf(21) might be cheating on us with her ex bf. It was a whole thing, shit got weird and she distances herself physically and emotionally when we confronted her (she said our fears were unfounded, “he’s here on a business trip, he’s in a room with two other dudes”. Tried to not give in to doubt, but depression whispers so so close to your ear. Anyway I continually saw texts and snapchats coming up on her phone under dudes name. There were other things too, mostly that she’s been inconsiderate, lying, sneaky and had tried to turn bf and I against each other following an argument of theirs. So after a business week of thought, we broke up with her. She had no reaction, it was almost like everything went as planned. The following three days have been filled with her running out of the house to claim some more territory, coming back and exclaiming about her conquests. She’s on the lease so if. We let her stay on the condition she gets a job and really keeps up with bills. As you can imagine, containing myself while unmedicated has been one fuckload of a task, but I’ve held my tongue. Got the meds back in me last night, started to feel better this morning and a little more throughout the day. Until a friend came over and told me that she had recently messaged him trying to latch on to him. I got so angry that I was shaking, I ripped apart our storage room and consolidated 30 boxes into ten. I threw a mattress in there and set up a corner all nice. When she got home from work she said how sweet it was and thanked me for creating space for her rather than leaving her to sleep on the couch in our living room. I wasn’t doing it to be nice, just don’t want to see the bitch. Round two of returning to meds tonight and I’m up sleepless, readjusting sucks, glad for 24 hour internet service ig. Thanks for letting me vent into the void. ",Bipolar +46499,"depressive swing is back i’m on lamictal, lithium, and abilify at the max doses i can possibly (personally) take for these. i find that while my mood swings are now more muted, i’m still having the swings overall and they’re disrupting my life. + +i go from depressed > hypo > really hypo > stable > depressed all in the span of 1.5-2 months. + +i’ve just hit the depressive end again, and the hopeless/suicidal thoughts are back, and i feel stuck. my psychiatrist told me to go get a second opinion because he can’t help me anymore, and that’s scheduled for late march. + +i truly don’t know what to do. i know i probably need a medication change, but i’m in school so a hospital trip is out of the question. unless of course my thoughts get even worse. i’m getting really tired of going through this cycle over and over. ",Bipolar +45793,"Seeing my therapist makes me feel like crap on a regular basis This is my DBT therapist. I dread going to see him. I want to quit gracefully. Any advice? + +Edit: I already have another therapist lined up. I'm not quitting therapy. Just don't want to see this therapist/do this type of therapy anymore.",Bipolar +50400,"i’ve had a rough week :/ this is literally just me going to vent bc i don’t have anyone rn and i feel like talking to a community that knows what i might be going through is more comforting than talking to people who i know aren’t going to get it or will worry them. + +so last Thursday my friend and I got into a big fight over me not answering my phone , the jist of that is i was called selfish and told i throw a pity party for myself every time I talk about my relationship with my mother ( it’s bad and has only gotten worse as im am adult now ) as well as her insinuating that i undermine their relationship with their parents ( which i do not , because that is not the type of person i am for whatever that’s worth ) and it ended with us blocking each other which is something i initiated bc I couldn’t deal with how uncommunicative she was being it alone interfered with a lot of other plans, like us going to prom together so now im torn about even going to that since it’ll be my senior prom but then the idea of being outside is to much + +so that Monday was my birthday and I had invited two other friends of mine , one of which I was supposed to be moving in with and had been planning to do so for years only for her to tell me the night i turn 18 that she doesn’t see it being realistic , which is fair and I’m not angry with her but it just seems like my life is falling apart , and I know in the future this won’t even matter but i am having borderline suicidal thoughts and can feel my depression getting so ugly that I can’t even look in mirrors or think about my future. + +i feel really lost and I’m trying to stay positive and have my perspective be that of gratitude but I’m struggling and im just so fucking scared about what I’m going to do in my life. I was thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend but I can’t even trust that the thought is mine or just my brain going into overdrive. I can’t even look people in the eye anymore . I just want to sleep and I want to run away and just go somewhere but I know that’s my avoidance talking. + +don’t really know why im posting this , i think maybe I want to hear about your stories of overcoming things and getting to where you are now or just to know somebody else understands.",Bipolar +46034,"In high school I was in a manic episode for 2 years In high school I was in a manic episode. In sophomore year during the hypomanic phase I started talking about sex a lot and got in trouble. Two months into my junior year the mania started. I thought I was going to win the lottery and become the president, the next MLK or really famous. I even intentionally failed classes because I thought I was going to become the president anyway. I thought everyone in America was going to change the constitution for me while I gave a speech in front of a big audience like MLK did in the civil rights march. I thought I had a special connection to god and god put me here for a special purpose. + +When I spoke I switched from one topic to another easily. I was very hyper, had lots of energy, was easily distracted and always wanted to chat. One time when I entered school the security guard once said ""this one is always laughing and smiling"". I went with my mom to buy lottery tickets (they don't sell tickets to minors). I thought I was going to win the lottery and use the money to make myself famous. I used to go to an organization with lots of little offices and I had a plan to buy the building and employ people there to promote my agenda. One time a fortune teller solicited me on the street. I went in and I asked her what college I am going to go to. She answered Harvard. I literally thought I was going to Harvard. I didn't tell my parents most of my plans because I thought they would interfere with them. I was very angry and moody at home. + +A few days before I turned 18, there was a ""breaking point"" I realized all the stuff I believed weren't true. I was devastated. I wasn't going to become the president or the next MLK. I failed many class. I couldn't sleep at night. I was extremely stressed out. I managed to catch up on my work, took summer school and thankfully graduated in the summer on time. A year later I decided to google bipolar and I read the symptoms of a manic episode on WebMD. + +As I read more about bipolar, I learned it's impossible for bipolar I to go undiagnosed. So I wondered how this went on for 2 years without me being diagnosed? During sophomore year, CPS was called because I was talking about sex. Then at the end of sophomore year I did the most stupidest thing. I drew 9/11 on a state test. This was a math question about storage bins so I made bin laden jokes. I was laughing but the school wasn't and they took me to a hospital. The hospital just let me go and told me not to do this again. The security pointed out a couple of times I was always laughing and smiling. I saw counselors at school (who are mental health professionals). I wondered if this will happen again, but I don't think it will. Well if there's anything worse than bipolar it's severe OCD. I am taking medication for that now. Severe OCD is **HELL**. + +I most certainly embarrassed myself. In 9th grade I told my classmates I wanted to become a prostitute. I was annoying during my high school years. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I thought there was something wrong with everybody else. I guess I am lucky this happened in high school where you are still supported by your parents and not in adulthood where you quit your job and become homeless. Online I realized was safer than offline. When I posted online I used a pseudonym and never used my identity. So if I said I wanted to become a prostitute or something embarrassing online it would not affect my reputation. But if I say I want to become a prostitute to my friends, they'll remember it and it will affect your reputation. I actually had former classmates come up to me and say ""remember when you said you wanted to become a prostitute"". I mean I am most definitely not the person I was in HS. + +We had a teacher with a reputation for being mean and a girl at my school said she's bipolar because one minute she's happy and the next minute she's angry. I literally thought that was the teacher's diagnosis, but I didn't know what bipolar was or that I had it. Now I know what bipolar is, and realize the girl was using the term colloquially. While I know what bipolar really is, my classmates still probably don't know.",Bipolar +50538,"Do I keep looking for a medication that works or is this as good as it gets? I've asked a question to you guys in the past regarding the end goal of being medicated. I'm on 1200mg of lithium carbonate, 250mg Divalproex and 150mg Bupropion HCL XL every other day. I've noticed a good improvement on this cocktail, most recently upped the dose of lithium to 1200mg and I felt like I was doing better, but it's been 3 months and I've had 2 episodes since the increase....These episodes are usual at this time of year so it didn't cause them, but they're still there, a bit more manageable and definitely not ruining my life like before, but I do not feel like a normal functioning human being. I'm still experiencing mania, but I'm able to stop myself from spending excess money and I am able to notice the energy I'm expending so I can force myself to relax here and there so I'm not deprived. I still sleep less, but enough to function so that's good. I can't stop myself from picking up my phone and googling everything on the planet that comes to mind...I feel like I have ADD or something, literally no focus at all which is not good for work. I still have significant periods of anxiety and stress about nothing and I'm finding this hard to manage, and the depression is still there, but my body no longer feels like cement, although I'm usually tired even after sleeping 10-14hrs. I can still force myself to get up and do stuff like clean, shower, etc. But I'm extremely miserable about it and everything else that doesn't involve sleeping., I don't cry omw to work, during work and while showering anymore, I don't have ""those scary thoughts"" anymore and I can keep a gym schedule although during my depressive periods the amount of gym sessions I get in are significantly less. +Is this it or should I keep trying to find a better state to be in? I mean I can live with it, but it sucks to go through this rollercoaster of emotions and energy expending and depleting, even if it's just a mid-sized one. I cancel a lot of plans on friends often because the way I feel when making them is not how I feel when the date arrives, I still have these insane urges to make plans with people and go out and socialize, shop, google search like mad and try new stuff, I still sleep less and more depending on what stage I'm in, I still overstress over everything and panic, I still feel drained and prefer to be alone and do nothing for a month or so straight. +I should add that before increasing the lithium, my Dr suggested lamictal, but the potential deadly rash side effect and the interaction with birth control pills terrified me so I decided to go with the lithium increase.",Bipolar +46113,"Went on 2mg Abilify exactly 7 days ago as of today. I've gained 7 pounds. I am a 32 year old woman who was RX'd Abilify 2mg last week and began taking it a week ago today. I take it with 30mg lexapro, which i've taken for several years with no weight gain at all. + +I am naturally very thin and always have been under weight. I have +never had to worry about my weight...until now being on an AAP. I don't even own a scale and borrowed my roommate's today to find out my weight today and last week. The day I began the meds, 7 days ago, I was 117lbs, and am now 124.5. I am still within the healthy benchmark for my height at 5'6. + +However, given that it's only been a week and its 7 pounds, that's a lot, isn't it? I am excited to be a bit curvier and filled out, but I worry about how unhealthy this rapid increase could be, as diabetes runs in my family and I worry this medication will affect my health and metabolism negatively. + +This now is the ultimate incentive to exercise (as i was infrequent) and eat few calories/carbs than before. I used to be someone who could eat anything and be rail thin. + +I'm hoping the effects of Abilify will out weigh the bad. I found that on day 5 of taking it, which was this Monday, was the first day I really felt like it was beginning to make me feel better. So far, I find myself in a happier mood and my coworkers today told me I seem happier and asked me if something good or different happened. I didn't have an answer! I am now not scowling or irritable like I was. I am able to smile at people in my building now at work, when I wasn't able to before. + +I'm curious to find out from other women what their weight gain has been like on Abilify. Were you able to control your weight eventually while still taking it? Or did you have to stop taking it in order to loose weight? Has anyone been able to loose weight after stopping it?",Bipolar +45784,"creative work and getting way, way overly excited? So for years, because I haven't been able to do any normal job, I've been making creative projects at home as my ""job"". But I've always had extremely huge trouble actually getting creative work done, even though I'm never not extremely passionate about my projects, even when I'm really depressed. + +I'm now on Lamictal, and have been for a few months, and holy f'ing shit it makes such a huge different and I think it's going to save my entire future. One thing I wasn't expecting was that it's given me tons of insight into what feelings and levels of excitement and joy aren't actually normal, because I now barely ever get them totally randomly out of the blue (except when I was off the meds for a few days and it was... yeah). But obviously they're not 100% gone. + +So the point of the post is... +I'm realizing so much about why putting in the time to create things was always so difficult: because pretty much every single time I would then hypomanic-ish feelings would come up and it would make functioning so difficult. I would usually get so overstimulated I had to stop, or I'd keep going but then have a massive crash into depression a few days later, if I started working on something at night then instead of sleeping after I'd have to spend hours obsessing over how amazing the thing I'm making is. And I guess I knew this already, that this happens, but now it's like ""WOW SO THESE FEELINGS **AREN'T** NORMAL? NO WONDER THEY INCAPACITATED ME"". And because I'm more consciously aware of them, I've been trying to practice working on stuff WITHOUT getting sucked down the rabbit hole of having these intense feelings. And even on drugs that help, it's fucking difficult. I can do only an hour of being productive and then my mood and energy is just totally different afterwards and it's so exhausting, but stopping and trying to relax immediately helps me not spin into something for hours or days that leaves me completely drained. And also it's no fucking wonder that my anxiety around starting a work session never got better after years, because it could result in such intense draining awful things. + +So I'm wondering who here can relate? + +When I read about bipolar I don't see anything about how the uppy-feelings can be triggered so incredibly easily and consistently by one thing, which is why I didn't see things from this perspective before. But now that I don't really get those feelings randomly without reason since being on Lamictal, I see how abnormal they are and now recognize that's why other creative people are able to get so much done, because working on something creative for over an hour doesn't make life into the most exciting thing ever in the world. But even on pills I still get the feelings pretty much every time when working on anything I'm passionate about. So yeah, I dunno, hoping people can relate because I don't want to feel so alone and freakish and broken anymore.",Bipolar +46329,"First time posting on reddit... need help/advice/inspiration for dealing with a bipolar depressive episode Hello there. + +I am 23 years old and officially got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 about a year and a half ago after being hospitalized from a month-long manic episode. after that, I was on EI for 4 months and had to take a break from school. Basically, it ruined my life. + +The meds helped me remain stable, with a little bit of depression here and there.. nothing major. For the past 5 weeks, I have fallen into a deep depression. I am crying on the floor, feeling physically paralyzed, can't see my friends, and having very dark thoughts. + +I saw my psychiatrist and therapist last week and we upped my meds. I am now on 200mg Lamictal, 60mg Latuda, and 100 mg Modafinil. I also started light therapy, work out 4 days a week, take vit d, iron, and omega 3s, meditate, and am starting CBT therapy next week. I feel like I'm doing all of the right things.. which is why i feel SO frustrated that nothing seems to be working. Oh, and I got my hormonal IUD taken out as my naturopath said it might be causing my mood problems. + +I don't want to die. There is so much more I want to do in life. But being severely depressed is no way to live. + +People with bipolar... what med combos are you on? What other therapy has worked for you? How did you get better? I need some hope in my life right now... + +Thanks all in advance. It was hard for me to post this.",Bipolar +50215,"Bipolar and ADHD I’m curious as to how many people have both Bipolar and ADHD, do they go hand and hand? + +When I found out I had bipolar, I soon after ended up in the hospital, I was taken off of Adderall, claiming it’s not for people with bipolar. Well, it’s been months now on my bipolar meds and I’m still struggling to focus on anything. + +The other day I took Adderall from my backup stash and it’s the first time in months I had hope. So, last night I spoke to my new psych about it and she’s putting me on something else (can’t remember the name), but not Adderall. Here’s hoping it works. + +If you take Adderall, how does it make you feel? If you take something else for your ADHD, please tell me more.",Bipolar +45532,How long do your mixed episodes last? And do you ever feel they have triggers?,Bipolar +46542,"Loved Ones with Bipolar I am unsure if there already is a post on how to cope with loved ones with bipolar. Please let me know if there is. + + My husband was hospitalized about 5 months ago and it's been a roller coaster since with finding which meds work, finding a permanent psychiatrist, going to therapy, etc. His bipolar is affecting our marriage and it's like he's completely forgotten his life skills. We are seeing a marriage counselor very soon. Right now I am the only one working but luckily I make enough for the two of us to be living okay. It just gets overwhelming when I have to literally do everything on top of working full-time. We got a puppy as an ESA, which has helped tremendously. I only agreed to get the puppy to help him when I am at work and he did say he'd do most of the work of caring for the puppy, but I am the one that ended up caring for the puppy a majority of the time. I grew up with no pets. He grew up with dogs his whole childhood, so getting used to a dog was difficult when he just got out of the hospital. It's fine now since I've caught on quick with caring for a dog. + +It gets so exhausting with his mood changes. The smallest things upsets him and keeps him in a depressed/unhappy mood for awhile. For example: I was tired from work and didn't feel like going out to get food. Initially I did agree to get food but thought he was going with me, but I forgot his back had been hurting all day. I got home and didn't feel like going back out. He got so upset because he was hungry and he didn't want to eat what was at home. He has zero cooking skills and will always order food or grab fast food. He doesn't like going out in public, which I understand. But when he gets upset, I can't do anything at all. If I go to a different room, he says I don't care about him. If I want to do something to lighten the mood, he tells me to stop because I am not doing it appropriately for his bipolar at the moment. When it gets too much, I break down and start crying. He automatically makes me feel guilty by saying, ""I'm always the bad guy. You can never do anything wrong."" Anything I say is used against me when he's upset. He somehow finds ways to twist what I say to have a different meaning. + +When he is back in a good mood, we reflect on his behavior and how I reacted. He is reasonable when he's happy. He admits he was an asshole. I know it's his bipolar, but I don't know what to do anymore and am exhausted of this endless cycle. I've told him before when he's experiencing an episode, I always feel like he's gas lighting me. I honestly can't tell the difference between bipolar and gas lightining anymore with him. + +TLDR: I just want to know if there is some support group for people with loved ones living with bipolar",Bipolar +49743,"Bipolar doubt I was diagnosed with Bipolar last May after trying to kill myself and did seven nights in a pysc ward which did me so much good. + +For awhile before my diagnosis I had talked to my doc about ADHD cause I felt I fitted the symptoms of that so was in shock when I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar. When on what I call highs I get extremely productive. I get so much done and take up new hobbies that never last more than a couple of months. My lows are never so bad I'm depressed, but I have no energy mentally or physically and no interest in doing anything and I fall behind on everything. The house gets messy and I struggle to achieve anything. + +I have 3 kids so my anxiety goes through the roof when things get messy. I'm snappy to be around for my wife and my mother and I get into moods because everything in the house is messy again. It's like a vicious circle. My lows causes me to let the place get untidy and the mess causes me to spiral into worse moods. + +But sometimes when I read what other people go through and mine doesn't seem so bad in comparison I start to doubt I even have Bipolar. These thoughts sneak into my head, I feel like an imposter and that I'm not really as bad as I think, and I'm only lazy, subconsciously tricking people and cheating by being on illness benefit. + +Are these thoughts normal? I feel so guilty with myself then and it makes my anxiety even worse?",Bipolar +46512,"I think my wife might be Bipolar. Advice? So my wife was diagnosed with depression just over a year ago for reasons I won't go into. She cycled through some medication until she found one that worked Mirtazapine. She has been taking this for 95% of the year since she has been diagnosed. My concern is, is that while there has been improvements in herself, as much as less self hatred, which is something she struggled with. More recently she has been far more verbally violent and sometimes gets physical as well in herself and on me. The latter only once, the former a number of times. + +This isnt her nature, before she was diagnosed with depression and before the event that triggered it she was wonderfully sweet, caring, comforting and affirming of me, but now when she is in one of these phases of what seems like BPD all hell breaks loose if I say the wrong thing, it just triggers her, and I am unsure of how to deal with that, how do I deal with that. I was reading the post on here about how SSRI's and SNRI's can bring on these phases of not supplemented with something else. I wonder if this is happening? + +I am at a loss. I live my wife dearly, but I don't know what to do about this. How do I support her, how do I enable her to understand how she is being and seek help in that way? + +Any advice welcome, or any words of support appreciated. +Thanks. +A guy from the UK.",Bipolar +50532,Can hardly afford medication I was recently switched from Latuda (which was free with my insurance) I was switched to lurasidone for some reason and it’s 100.00. There’s no way I can actually afford this and I’m doing so well it’s just so upsetting I don’t know what to do.,Bipolar +50504,"One thing I find hard Thinking about when I was hypomanic, one of the hardest things is that looking back on it, a lot of the stuff I said and did was really funny. I leaned into that a lot at the time and even resorted to full-on clowning and cringe humour cos it’s always been a defence mechanism for me. But underneath I was feeling desperate and really scared because I couldn’t stop talking and didn’t know what was happening to me. I knew I wasn’t in control and I thought if I could only make the people around me laugh it would all be ok. + +Now it’s over, I’ve even turned it into a kind of comedy routine but every time I go through it, I enjoy the funniness but also can’t stop thinking, “God, I was in so much pain.” Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +50346,"Paradoxical cycle of my past, present and future and suicidal ideation Hi guys , + +So I am a bipolar and I haven't actually told anyone but few about my bipolarity. Anyway I believe being a bipolar affects the way I am thinking and the decisions I make according to my emotions which are instable and which will eventually lead to a feeling of regret and guilt later. + +So my problem is that now while the usual and frequent depressive episodes trigger, this depressive episode is the WORST so far, I live in this paradoxical loop and cycle between my past and all these nostalgic moments I am always recalling in my mind that could make me sometimes happy but also crying because I miss these moments so much and miss the people that I don't see anymore but have been a great part in my life nevertheless left me for either no reason or with a reason that I couldn't really do anything about it, my present which is affected negatively by my nostalgia and emotions for the past and taking a great amount of time just living in the memories, living in the past and dreams instead of living in the present time, and my future which l do think about but don't care about it anymore, sometimes I used to think about my future to forget about the past but failed to do so. + +Thinking about what I could do in the future makes me a bit happy nevertheless when these nostalgic moments hit me, it just converts me from a happy person to a sad, desperate and disappointed person again that eventually lead to deep depression which cause suicidal ideation, mostly to overdose to death, but ends up with failed attempts to commit suicide. I can't even determine if these memories are good or bad by now cuz it depends as well, sometimes I just get the good parts of the memories while other times I just get the tragic parts and events that happened to me as for getting bullied recently at the university, losing my best friend, losing my boyfriend ...etc. I just believe by now that good memories are even worse and more hurtful than the bad ones. It just feels like getting stabbed in the back. + +These many emotions and mixed-up thoughts I get give me a headache and usually panic attacks, that sometimes I cut myself with a nearby sharp thing as well. + +I also have ADHD, social phobia and severe trust issues. I now feel so bad that I wish this world to stop and my life ends. Thinking about suicide already makes me more comfortable to end my struggle you know. So I've been asking if I am alone on this. Does anyone relate to my experience?",Bipolar +50113,Just learned today that manic/depressive episodes lead to brain damage And that make me want to cry. That's all. I'm freaked out now and want to bawl my eyes out. I was already teetering on the edge but this fact makes me wanna crumble. Why did I have to have a such a shit draw of luck with genes and trauma.,Bipolar +46767,"What do you consider the difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II, based on your perspective? I have Bipolar II and describe it as the sadder instead of madder version, but I don’t know if that’s really accurate. My manic episodes are generally not dangerous and I have no temper or anger issues. But my depressive states are lengthy and horrid and dark and deadly. I only know what I’ve endured though. ",Bipolar +46346,"Could my Depakote have caused depression? Long story short I've been on Depakote (with a few others in cocktail) for a while. Hit year long depression that has just stuck. Doctors and I have been working on it but nothing seemed to work. Pdoc and I determined Depakote speed working for me so I'm switching to lithium. Now that I'm titrating off of Depakote I'm already starting to feel a tiny bit better. It's too early for the lithium to be kicking in... I don't feel 100% but I don't wake up wanting to die or hating the world. + +I googled it but didn't see anything about it causing depression. I've had my levels checked regularly and recently and they were on the low side of normal/healthy so it's not poisoning. + +Anyone experience increased depression on it? I know ultimately it won't matter for me because I'm coming off of it but I'm curious nonetheless.",Bipolar +50307,"Treatment and effects. I am going to tell you a couple things I have experience with, I am telling you these because they effected me significantly and you can possibly understand your own position better by knowing this. + +I had 12 sessions of ECT, it was devastating, logistically a nightmare and it did not work. + +90% of marriages with one BP persons does not make it. I was stunned by that. + +Knowing that about marriage has kept me single. + +When they put the electrodes on they had problems because tears were running down my face. + +God luck and God Bless You.",Bipolar +46589,"Self(ish) Rant I've generally been the kind of person who when bad news is received my brain can take awhile for it to sink in. My grandma recently passed away, I love her and miss her and this isn't at all her fault obviously, but, at work a few of my bosses kept telling me that it's alright if I need a day or whatever to myself. They asked if I was okay how I was holding up how my mom was holding up. +But the thing that irks me down to the core is that all of the sudden it took the death of a family member to think I might not be alright. They never thought to ask or say anything the multitude of days I called in sick or didn't call in at all and just didn't show up. They just don't understand, I'm not depressed today. I'm depressed almost every day. It just makes me feel that without a, in their opinion, legitimate reason to be depressed I'm the one in the wrong. Maybe they just considered me lazy and apathetic up until this point. ",Bipolar +50226,"to PHP or not to PHP I went through a hypomanic/ mixed episode for the past two and a half weeks that came to a head on Wednesday, resulting in SI. I’m no longer experiencing the SI and had a med change, but was asked if I’d be open to a PHP. Today I received the intake phone call, and they want me to start next Wednesday. +If my existence within the bipolar lens is continuously cycling and from stable to unstable—if I’m no longer experiencing the SI do I still participate in the PHP? I don’t currently have any providers other than my psychiatrist, which is definitely an issue. I’m also worried about taking the time off work because I have a big project due soon and my colleague is out. +All in all, it’s only 5-7 days so do I do the one thing I have been putting off for years because of school and career, or do I put myself first and participate? Is it worth the time, effort, and disappointment of my boss, knowing that I’m going to cycle for the rest of my life?",Bipolar +50115,"I suffer from a relationship, I REALLY NEED HELP (Content Warning) + + +Hello people, + +I am writing to you because I need help. + +Please excuse me first of all because English is not my first language. + +I am desperate, I am destroyed. + +I am bipolar and borderline. + +I am in a relationship with someone who was perfect for me at first and has since neglected me, disrespected me, ignored me, and blamed me for everything because of my disorder. + +Before I met him, I had managed to rebuild myself, to go back to work after a 2.5 year break (I was diagnosed in 2019). + +Since then, I have been living in hell. + +He lived far away from me (950km/690miles) and we tried life together but that's when my disorder revealed itself. + +He was constantly on the computer, talking down to me, having horrible outbursts and insulting me. + +He even threatened to kill himself and jump off my balcony and I tried to hold him back and that's when I had my first ""boderline"" crisis where I started screaming in pain and wanting to end my life. + +I called him parents to warn them of his actions and when they called, my boyfriend said everything was fine while I was crying in the back and they could hear me. + +A lot of things happened and I asked him to go home (he lives with his parents). + +Since then, it's been hot and cold between us. + +One day I'm ""his Queen"", the next day he barely pays attention to me and when I criticize him for not even asking if I'm okay, he says ""because you think I'm your knight in shining armor?"" when for me it's the minimum for any social contact. + +You should know that from the beginning of our relationship, I was threatened with a knife by one of his family members and insulted and while we were abroad in a remote place I didn't know. + +His family consults a lot of medieums, psychics, card readers and all of them say that I am the devil and not made for their son while I have never shown anything but goodness, kindness and compassion despite what they made me go through (recently, I learned that they would be persuaded that I raped their son and that my first goal is to ""kill him"" while I have never raised my hand on someone). + +They even told me while her sister wanted hut me with the knife that it was ok because ""the devil is INSIDE HER' and so it means that it's not her fault and they didn't event ask if I was fine once ?! + +Last week was the worst of all, I hurt myself, I hit my head multiple times during his present and I tore my face off + hit myself with an alter because I heard his parents on the phone saying again that I was going to kill him and he did nothing to stop it and instead he left when I could have killed myself. + +I am stuck in this relationship, I don't know how to get out of it. + +I feel like I can't see any way out because I feel like no one will want me because I'm ""crazy"" and I don't want to live with someone like him, nor do I want to start a family with him because of the principles he may have and his family (I can't tell you everything, but the story of the knife already tells you a lot) + +I need help, my caregivers don't tell me anything, they listen to me and that's it. + +No one understands me. + +The more I talked to him about my illness and how to help me if I was neglected, the more he did nothing. + +When we lived together and he insulted me, I took it upon myself at first and went to him with a big smile and hugged him as he pushed me hard and said ""YOU DISGUST ME!"" to then tell me ""sorry, I love you more than anything, you can't even imagine, I will never leave you alone again, I will do the work for both of us as you have done for the past 7 months, everything it's over I'm not going to abandon you anymore, it's up to me to make sure that you become again the one you were before my family and I broke you"" then suddenly it's ""you're responsible for everything, it's is because you are hypersensitive"" + +His family hates me because I'm ""too pretty, too nice, too cuddly to be true"" when I'm just me! + +I can't take it anymore, yesterday and this morning I wanted to end it, I can't tell myself that I'm going to get out of this, I can't tell myself that I'm going to manage to escape of him because I'm hooked in spite of myself and I don't know why because we no longer live together and it's a daily suffering. + +He's h24 on his computer, he just plays, he has nothing to talk about, we don't share anything anymore (he was different at first, it was amazing then he showed his face when he moved in with me). + +I just asked him again if we could call because I need help because I'm in pain, I'm taking xanax for the first time in my life in addition to my usual treatments when I've always managed to do without (and even with that, it doesn't work) + +I'm begging you, help me, advise me, I don't know, but I need help from people who understand me. +Thank you very much",Bipolar +50336,"“You seem normal to me” Oh, do I sir? Do I seem normal to you? + +You didn’t see me sobbing in my car on the way to work the last 5 days, you didn’t see me sending nudes to all of my exs at 5am or cleaning the apartment laundry machine with a toothbrush while wearing a gas mask. + +Yes sir I manage it well + +I take my meds, I get my sleep, I pet my cat, I limit stress, I talk to friends, I eat healthy foods, I read books, I call therapists, I 5-7-5-7-5-7-5-7-5-7 breathe in the bathroom so you can’t SEE me loose my shit. + +I couldn’t even tell if that makes you feel better + +No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like you think bipolar is a sticky note that says CRAZY on my forehead, and not a mental illness I wrangle and defeat on a daily basis. + +GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CREDIT SIR + +don’t tell me I seem healthy and then expect me to take on more work, more stress, more anxiety, because I SEEM normal. Fuck you sir. + +tdlr: + +I manage my mental illness so well that people in my life tend to discredit or overlook what I go through. The real ones know, but I’m still frustrated. + +End of rant. + +Thank you beautiful people. + +Update: the response to this post was honestly more than I could have expected. Thank you everyone who said sweet stuff and even just like commiserated. It’s insane being somewhere 100 other people are saying, “I feel this way too.” With stuff you feel completely alone and insane for feeling. I’m saying too much, but really these comments moved my heart. I don’t feel alone on this anymore. <3",Bipolar +46683,"Experiences with lamictal After being on 25 mg for two weeks, I've now been on 50 mg of lamictal for almost two weeks. I'm going to move to 75 mg soon, which (according to my psychiatrist) is when I should start to feel something. + +Just wanted to know what everyone's experiences were. I've had some pretty terrible experiences with medications in the past. Zoloft made me go manic (which is what caused my psychiatrist to realize that I probably have bipolar tendencies). Another one which I've had (I cannot remember the name of it -- it had two names, one started with an ""m"" and the other with a ""r"") caused weight gain. + +My main worry is any side effects -- particularly weight gain. I've gained the horrid freshmen 15 after starting college. Also, I've gone off of my Dexedrine (which majorly suppresses appetite) -- which I've been taking since I was eleven years old. It's hard to manage my appetite now that I actually feel hunger. + +I've also heard that lamictal can cause lethargy. I've actually been experiencing issues with insomnia (which I'm now taking ambien for, which I hope doesn't cause weight gain as well) and briefly went off of lamictal because I couldn't sleep. What have been the experiences of people that were made more energetic by lamictal? Did you still get the whole ""brain fog"" or anything? + +At what dosage did you guys start to notice changes? + +When should I start worrying about the dreaded rash that I'm always told to fear for? I haven't gotten anything so far, but am I at too low of a dosage to feel safe about not having had any rashes? ",Bipolar +45522,Why I was looking around the internet and was a little angry. Why can't people who want to be open about their struggles get treated or get fired just because they have something that they can't control. ,Bipolar +50547,"lamictal dreams so i’ve been on lamictal for like 15 years on and off, it’s been the only med that’s actually worked for me. but something i’ve noticed that i’ve never really discussed with anyone because it’s never actually been a serious problem is the insane dreams it causes me to have. i know for a fact it’s the lamictal because all the times i’ve gone off it, the dreams stop. when i go back on it they start up again. they are SO vivid, i always remember every detail. none of them make sense or have any deeper meaning. sometimes they’re just weird but other times they’re scary, which is fine because i know it’s just a dream but it does rattle me. anyway just curious if this is a common thing? anyone else have weird ass lamictal dreams???",Bipolar +49912,"Won't be seen for an assessment until sober Had a urgent referral to the MH team uk from GP. Mental health workers (at GP and MH team) said strongly suspected BP2. My referral to the diagnostic team was turned down due to alcoholism presumably as the symptoms could overlap? +Have been put on a waiting list for DBT and need to keep a mood diary for 3 weeks- not sure if this is normal ? I am seeking help to quit drinking, sometimes I feel I have no control over using it to self medicate. Please be kind.",Bipolar +46725,"Is this normal psych hospital procedure? A few years ago on my 16th birthday I was sent to a psych hospital and stayed there for a week. Some things happened there that scared me and I'm not sure if it was standerd psych hospital procedure and I'm overeacting, or if their procedures are abnormal. I was voluntarily admitted due to bipolar disorder. I wasn't on the medicine I needed, and since it was an emergency, I went to the psych hospital. During my time there they had a skin check. At first I didn't know they were doing, they just told me to undress myself and be naked. They didn't ask if being naked in front of other people made me uncomfortable, they didn't ask if I was menstruating, they didn't ask if I had been sexually assaulted. I was confused and thought they were going to sexually assault me, so I started crying. They then told me either I undress myself or they would restrain me. By then I was crying uncontrollably. I begged them to not make me undress myself. I let them touch under my clothes because I didn't want them to see my breasts. They forced me to take off my underwear which was uncomfortable since I was menstruating. It probably doesn't seem like much to be scared of, but when the only person you've allowed to see your private parts is your pediatrician due to yearly check-up and that it is required, and I have had the same pediatrician for several years so I trust her, it was a big deal to me. I was stuck at the hospital for a week, they said they would let me home on Friday but then said I had to stay over the weekend even though the insurance didn't cover weekends, so the hospital bill put my family in some debt. My family can afford a house, food, utilities and all that, but we aren't middle class, we get free lunch at school and help from the government. Hospital bills are notoriously high in the united states, and the medicine I'm on costs more in the united states than it does in third world countries and the developing world. My parents asked that I be released from the hospital, but their request was denied even though I was voluntarily committed. Also, the psych hospital had zero privacy. No locks on doors, the shower curtain was clear. Everyone had a roommate, mine treated me terribly, and so I was worried she'd come in when I was in the bathroom or showering and see me. The psych hospital was tiny, it was a hallway with rooms on each side, some bedrooms, a room to eat, and a desk where a lady gave you meds. They made you go to groups, but the medicine they put me on made me super tired and knocked me out. Best sleep I've had, but it made the nurses and doctors angry that I wasn't participating in groups and instead, sleeping. Or trying to sleep, rather, since the psych hospital was so small and crowded that every little noise echoed. I often hear people say psych wards make them feel safe and calm, but my experience was far from it. Is it normal for psych hospitals to be like this?",Bipolar +45554,"$440 for one month of Seroquel XR??? That's with my insurance, there is no way I can afford that every month. Is there anyway to get it cheaper? Going to Canada? Is it normal for them to fuck people over on this drug?",Bipolar +46325,"Does lamictal rashes itch? I have some faded redish rashes on my chest. I don't know how long they've been there. I've been on 200 mg for a few months now. I'm gonna keep an eye on it and if it gets worse I'm going to my doctor, just want to know if lamictal rashes itch, because mine doesn't.",Bipolar +46782,I'm tired of feeling like shit Sorry for the pointless post. I've been feeling like shit for the better part of a few months now and I just want it to stop.. Missed appointment with psych on monday so I gotta deal with that when her office is open tomorrow. Too many things I need to do and not enough energy to do them :/,Bipolar +49737,"I recreated a few drawings during my rapid cycling...feel free to tell me they suck. I am a type ll and my hypomania makes me want to colour everything while my depression makes me want to kill myself...so I tried this method of venting...hope you like them... +Thank you for reading",Bipolar +50303,,Bipolar +50056,Can you hallucinate taste? Ever since I drank a whole bottle of cheap disgusting vodka during my overdose I’ve been getting the horrible taste in my mouth quite often. Is it a hallucination or a physical problem caused by drinking so much? I haven’t touched alcohol since the overdose which was late January. The taste makes me feel sick it tastes exactly like it did when I was forcing the disgusting vodka down my throat. Thanks.,Bipolar +46772,"Bipolar 3 checking in. How do people combat boredom, restlessness, and general apathy about everything during a depressive episode? Trying really hard not to blow up my entire life because I’m feeling low, restless, and dissatisfied for now for no discernible reason other than I’m in a low cycle. I don’t know how to cope. I’m newly diagnosed and having awareness has been helpful in decision making but not in emotional feels.",Bipolar +45814,"Here we go again; My therapist said I was hypomanic yesterday I don't know why she says this, as I've been feeling stable as ever lately. I am having some sleep troubles, yes, but I'm not feeling sped up or anything. I suppose I have been engaging in some reckless spending and ""grandiose goal-directed behavior"" but that's about it. + +I mean, it's possible, but I'm not getting the buzzing I usually do when I'm hypo. Is it possible to be hypomanic and not be aware of it? I usually am which is the strange thing. ",Bipolar +50084,"Am I manic/hypomanic? Pls help! Hi friends. Newly diagnosed bipolar 2 homie. + +Long story short, after months of therapy my therapist and psychiatrist came to the conclusion 2mo ago that I have bipolar 2 and that I’ve def had manic episodes before. + +But I didn’t know they were happening so like, I don’t know if I’m having one or not? I don’t know what they’re like. Will I know I’m manic when I’m manic? + +I’m EXTREMELY energetic. I was with some friends I don’t see very often today due to long distance and I could not stop fucking talking. Like thinking about the day I’m so embarrassed. I had a date with my partner Friday night (2nd day on adderall) and he said I was completely fucking wired and I know I didn’t stop talking. Also embarrassing. + +I didn’t sleep Friday night and it’s Sunday morning 2AM now. I am broke and no job rn so no bad spending habits but definite problem in the past. I did ask my best friend for money for a weird idea and she knows what’s going on with me so just said let’s talk about it next week (when I’m hopefully not probably manic). + +I just feel like I wanna do 5 million projects but all I can do when I’m by myself is scroll Reddit and like, fucking talk to myself, listen to music, Google weird things and make really long weird notes on my notes app for people. + +I can’t actually like clean my house or anything like I feel like I want to. + +My doc recently put my on 5 mg Adderall for ADHD too. I’m wondering if this is affecting it this weird energy, talkativeness and sleeplessness? It’s Sunday and I started it Thursday. + +I’m just really lost and don’t know if I’m manic and what to do about it. I’m on Abilify and prozac and it’s helping me have more normal moods but like I said I still don’t know what to expect during mania and know it’s still going to happen on those meds. + +Also, how often can mania happen generally? Is this hypomania? I’m just lost and don’t know how this stuff works. No one has educated me enough on it. + +Pls help .. I’m desperate :’)",Bipolar +50158,"It never fucking ends! The up, the down. The middle. Never really feeling normal. Exhausted because of medication. Scared I'm scary. + +Hiding who I am because I'm such a mess and being misinterpreted as a weirdo. Maybe I am a weirdo, I don't know + +I feel so FUCKING.LONELY. + +I can have so much energy, have a bad thought and boom, I'm down for the count. + +I can't stand the mess my house is. I can't stand how hard it is for me to shower sometimes or focus on one thing rather than 80 things at once. + +I just need a break from my god damn brain.",Bipolar +45680,"Medicaid Work Requirement For those of you like me are in Kentucky, unable to work, and on Medicaid, I found this today, “For the sake of illustration, it is useful to look at the examples provided by Iowa Medicaid in its November 2013 final definition5 of medically frail which emphasized medical diagnoses and degrees of severity. For example, the definition specifies that individuals diagnosed with “psychotic disorder; schizophrenia; schizoaffective disorder; major depression; bipolar disorder; delusional disorder; or obsessive-compulsive disorder” will be considered as having disabling mental disorders” https://nationaldisabilitynavigator.org/ndnrc-materials/fact-sheets/fact-sheet-8/ + +Granted it’s Iowa’s definition, but we should be okay. ",Bipolar +49919,,Bipolar +50431,,Bipolar +46434,"Dealing with the trauma of group therapy. Advice please I'm at a residential program and given that I am elevated, I am quite elevated and sitting still for that long is tough and it's amplified when people are sharing their traumatic experiences. Please share any advice that you have for this issue?",Bipolar +45526,"Monitoring moods on an app Hi everyone! +I wanted to know what apps or other similar things you are using to monitor your ups and downs. I have tried emood for a little bit but I just don’t think it’s capturing whats going on. I’d love to give another one a try or suggestions of how I can make the most out of them. + +Thanks",Bipolar +50449,"moodiness I’m looking for some tips on how to handle moodiness. Clearly I go through swings of up and down, but on the downs it’s really hard to not feel tired and irritated by everything. People want to talk and I just want to go into a corner of the room with the lights off and just clonk out. I’m on meds which makes things SO much easier than they used to be, but I still get strong symptoms, so I’m looking for maybe something alternative I can practice on top of meds? any suggestions?",Bipolar +50217,"So it's back So for a few weeks I've been wondering if I was going on a hypomanic episode. Ive been diagnosed bp 2 a year ago and since medicated, found a combo that works for me since november 22. Before that it was either really depressed and a bit of mixed and latest major hypomanic episode in summer 2021. + +So it had been a while and the thing is, I'm still very slow and sleep a lot, but compared to before when I slept 10-12 hours a night every 24h now I still sleep 10-12h but I stay awake 24h+ multiple times a week. + +Last friday I went to my psychiatrist and he asked me if I had any hints of impulsivity that could indicate hypomania, specifically spznding, sex and substance abuse (ya know the usual menu). +And I thought about it for a moment (in retrospect I was making up excuses that would make things logical) and then said no, just spending but for necessary stuff. + +And here I am exactly a week later, wearing one of my two new wigs that arrived from aliexpress yesterday (I had only bought one super cheap one before), been smoking weed since monday and unpacking my new dildo in my newly fairyland garden themed decorated kitchen. Oh also received 150 bucks worth of beauty products (I've never done skincare before in my life except sheet masks and face creams from aldi). +For clarification I bought it all before seeing my psychiatrist and smoking again. + +How could I not see it??? +And im still doubting it while also having a super intense and insane to the point it's and unhealthy crush on someone ?? + +Who am I kidding...",Bipolar +50429,"Manic and can’t sleep I was literally depressed-ish for like a week where all I could do is lay in bed and rewatch shameless (got through a season a day, that’s like 11 hours of tv a day 💀) but I started my new job today (which went well!) and at some point it turned to mania and I’m so tired and took so much sleep stuff but I can’t sleep or relax at all I’m so thriving can you tell live laugh love",Bipolar +46473,"I fucked up. I just sliced my leg. About a 4"" wide 1/4"" deep. I don't know why I did it. I'm scared about what's happening to me. I'm ruining my life. ",Bipolar +50648,"Switching meds, planning pregnancy, and moving across country. Recipe for disaster? For context I have type one and a history of 4 hospitalisations in 7 years. ECT (worked amazingly but only for a while), tried loads of medications and it seems like we've finally found a combo that works. I haven't had a serious episode for over two years now. + +I have a two year old son and, despite the manic episode I had after four days is labour when he was born, he's the best thing that has ever happened to my mental health. I love him to bits even though he was a surprise and I was totally sure I wasn't ready. + +Now my husband and I want a sibling for him. We both never had siblings of our own, so he has no cousins and we both wish we had siblings. We want a baby sooner rather than later because the age gap keeps getting bigger. 3 years difference is ok, but 4 seems like much more to me. I don't know. I've started taking folic acid and we should be ready to start trying to conceive in May. + +We also happen to be moving across the UK for my husband's work in July. If all goes well, I could be pregnant by then. + +I told my psychiatrist this and he told me that my antidepressant, clomipramine, is dangerous to the baby in pregnancy and can cause serious heart defects. He wants to switch me to an SSRI (citalopram), which I've tried several of and they haven't done much for me in the past. Clomipramine worked for me I think because it's also effective in OCD and while I don't have OCD, my depressive thoughts are definitely obsessive. I've been taking clomipramine for since a mild depressive episode I had a year ago and since I haven't had any depression at all and I haven't gone manic either. + +I'm just worried with the move (even though I'm really looking forward to it) and the pregnancy and the medication change might be too much. As a mother, I feel having a serious episode is not an option, but then am I just putting more pressure on myself? Is this crazy? Should I try it or wait another year with the baby? Even just changing medication worries me, but I can't consider pregnancy without doing that first. + +I don't know exactly what I'm asking for here. Reassurance? Sanity check? Advice? Any and all of that is welcome.",Bipolar +49600,"Divalproex side effects In the past, I usually have taken abilify and lamictal for my bipolar, but because I’m breastfeeding, I am now taking divalproex. I know most side effects of a new medication wear off in a week or so but these side effects are unbearable. I have like every single one except the ones that tell you to immediately seek medical attention. The nausea and feeling like I’m gonna pass out are the worst ones. I just constantly feel sick. I take it at night to reduce these feelings but I still suffer. Any tips on what I can do to minimize these feelings. It didn’t sound like I had many if any other options while breastfeeding so I want this to work but I can’t feel like this.",Bipolar +50473,"Why doesn’t my family understand? I don’t know how to get my family to see me for both the good and the bad. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for so many years, and I think so many of my family members just see me as a big failure. +I’m moving into a brand new apartment on May 1 and I’m trying to share this good news with others. I really thought my family would be more excited for me. +Truthfully, I was so depressed and out of control in my current apartment. I’m amazed sometimes that I’m still alive. I don’t know why my family can’t see that, and can’t see the real me. +I have a great therapist and am working on this in therapy, but just wanted to post here looking for a little input and support.",Bipolar +45529,"Meds or anxiety?? SOS Hi friends. +I’ve been experiencing muscle tension and spazzing in my legs that shoots throughout my whole body over and over again. It gets stronger as the attack goes on for sometimes hours and then just disappears out of no where. +I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what it may be from? I’m prescribed Latuda, benztropine, trazodone, and propanoral (spelling may not be right in some of those) +Please help! These attacks make me feel like I could murder myself and everyone around me. They make me feel like there’s no reason to live like this. I’m not sure if the episodes are anxiety inflicted or a horrible side effect from the meds. ",Bipolar +49706,"Midday coffee? I should give it up right? +Because I’m kind of agitated/ amped up now and I should already be asleep. +Ideas for helping to calm down/ go to sleep? + +Tell me all about your experiences with caffeine and coffee, fellow bipolar people. + +One of the trains of thought running through my head right now is in my own language (gibberish) which makes me think maybe I can’t blame this all on coffee lmao",Bipolar +49981,"I think it's universal For anyone wondering if doubting your symptoms and diagnosis is normal, here's a journal entry from a few years ago post mania. + +&#x200B; + +I wonder if I know how it feels to leave this world.  + +Have I ever been sad. + +Have I ever felt anything.  + +Or have I given names to the blank spaces.  + +And am I drowning in an ocean or a teaspoon. ",Bipolar +50387,,Bipolar +45605,"What happens if you take medication? I am going to be evaluated for bipolar disorder soon and if diagnosed will have to decide whether or not to take medication. What happens emotionally and intellectually if you take medicine for it? + +I’m very afraid to take medication because I had a very bad experience at age 12. I was on antidepressants for two years (11-13) and became a bit self absorbed and had serious impulse control problems. It ultimately led to suicide. Twice.",Bipolar +49979,"Feeling lonely Hi! + +So you know I (F22) have the best psychiatrist I could wish for and the best treatment. +I finally am able to be happy, because my disorder was type 2 focusing on depression, I was struggling with depression from 5 to 21 years old, thought there was no way out. + +Today I'm kind of happy. I am in a healthy and loving relationship, that was unthinkable three years ago bc I was such a mess. + +But there's some days like this one, I feel soooo sad and lonely again... And not because of an episode, but because of my life. I had such a difficult life surrounded by illegal substances and violence, and those memories sometimes just hit me. I just feel all the pain people went through, feeling sad and powerless against this sh**** world where help is so difficult to find for people with heavy issues. + +My struggles today are the same as every basicaly NT person, but I have to live with those memories of people, friends, suffering when we were so young... And I still sometimes meet the same kind of people, 14 year old girls drunk and high in the afternoon with 45 year old homeless addicts. + +I'm here in life, in the middle. +Juste between healthy and dying people. +I'm doing better now, they aren't. + +I just feel lonely right now with those thoughts.",Bipolar +50520,"Dark obsessive thoughts I’m assuming this is fairly normal with BP but I’m so sick of dark obsessive, ruminating thought patterns even during relative stability. It seems like every week it’s something else; death/dying of loved ones, someone being hurt, losing my partner and awful thoughts of not being good enough to be loved. I feel like BP is such a hindrance to me enjoying life fully, it’s like a new obsession every week and I’m so sick of it.",Bipolar +45668,Tfw you go to work sick so you can save your sick days for depression Because any kind of sickness is more tolerable than depression when it gets bad. I feel guilty for being around others when I might be contagious but it's what I have to do.,Bipolar +50014,,Bipolar +45482,"Struggling to re-adjust my sleeping pattern after depressive episode - any tips? Hi all. I'm looking for some practical advice. + +I've been pretty depressed the past couple months since I quit my job in October. I'm also studying at Uni and have like 6 hours of contact time a week. I've really been struggling to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning and so my sleeping pattern has been destroyed. + +My circadian rhythm is now set almost in reverse. I don't feel tired until 4/5 am in the morning and wake up around 3/4 pm in the afternoon. I've upped my meds (Seroquel) which used to help me sleep at night but it isn't really making much difference at the moment. + +I'm desperate to try and re-adjust my pattern because it's making my low mood even worse. It gets dark early here in the winter so I have no exposure to sunlight. I'm running on a different time to everyone else so I get minimal socialisation. It's preventing me from passing out of my depressive phase big time.",Bipolar +46144,"Unmanageable seroquel side effects after two years I've been on seroquel for about two years now, and over the last couple of months I've developed side effects that I can't handle anymore and I don't know what to do. My pdoc prescribed adderall about a year and a half ago to counteract the sedation I feel even after taking my meds at night. Lately my muscles are so stiff and sore I can hardly move and sometimes it hurts so much I can't do anything but just cry. After taking my meds and laying down in bed, my nose stuffs up out of nowhere and I can't breathe at all and my heart starts pounding and when I try to breathe out of my mouth and finally start falling asleep I can feel my breath slowing down and I panic that I'm going to stop breathing and I jerk awake. My legs are so restless and twitchy and I get so frustrated and I can't breathe and I don't know what to do other than just sob and wait it out until the seroquel knocks me out. This lasts for an hour or two every night. I don't even want to take the meds anymore because I know how shitty I'm going to feel. I don't even want to go to sleep anymore. I know when I tell my pdoc she's just going to try to convince me to switch back to lithium which I will never do. I had horrible painful acne so bad I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without sobbing and wanting to die (her response was ""wear makeup""). + +Has anyone else had side effects like these? I don't know what changed recently and why I'm feeling this way after being relatively stable for so long. ",Bipolar +50066,"Always out of PTO because of this stupid disorder I get great benefits at my job, including paid time off that accrues every pay period, so in theory I should be able to bank quite a bit of it. Unfortunately I've already used almost all of my PTO because of a surgery and a major depressive episode, plus days when I can't leave the house to go to work. I had to leave work today and I feel like shit about it, I know I'm probably going to have to make it up next week, and that stresses me the fuck out. Most people I work with never take their PTO, never seem to have a sick day. I try really hard to be a good employee but my absenteeism can't be good. My management is super understanding and supportive but I still feel like shit about it. It's not a super important job in the scheme of things so it's not like I'm really hurting my workplace by taking time off, but I really want to keep this job for a while. I hate that I'm always anxious that this time will be the time they finally fire me.",Bipolar +45692,"Experiences with Lamictal and hypomania? Experiences getting off Lamictal? Hi! This is my first time posting here. If I may, do any of you have experiences with what I put in my title? + + +Here's some (not super necessary for answering my questions) background: + +I have a diagnosis of Bipolar type 2. While for many reasons I still believe this to be accurate, I've been questioning the role that Lamictal has played in my illness and diagnosis. + +While I had had many sort of hypo-hypomanic periods before, and had actually been diagnosed before at age 13, my first full blown, classically symptomatic hypomanic episode coincided with starting and then increasing my dose of Lamictal. This particular episode was used as a part of my diagnosis. (I started Lamictal due to a severe upswing in my depression and history of not responding to antidepressants.) The hypomania eventually faded back into my more typical depressions and general emotional static. This was then further complicated by the addition of other meds that I did not do well with at all. It's a bit of a tangle, so attempting to determine if there's any sort of clear chain of cause and effect is difficult. + +I've never had any other side effects, but I've also never really felt any steadier on Lamictal. Lithium is what eventually became a total godsend for me. + +All of this is to say that I don't know if Lamictal has actually done anything positive for me. Yet I've been kept on it ever since and I'm questioning if this is only because I haven't had any side effects to complain about. If this is true, is there really any point to continuing to take it long term? If I don't have to spend the money every month and continue to risk the known short term and unknown long term side effects, I'd rather not. + + + +So, has anyone else experienced hypomania that coincided with starting or increasing Lamictal? Has anyone gone through getting off of it? What is the process of doing that like? + +I am, of course, not going to change anything without talking to my pdoc. I'd just like to hear from some other people with personal insight. + +Thank you!",Bipolar +50608,"psychiatrist told me not to google my medication, feeling weird about it starting this off by establishing that I am autistic, and one of my interests is self categorization. this can make me come across as a hypochondriac or doctor shopper, as I know my disorders/illnesses very well. once I started seeking treatment for my bipolar I learned everything there was to learn, joined communities such as this one, and started talking to others with bipolar. + +as a result of this, I learned a lot about medication. not even really on purpose, learning about the meds people are on is just an inevitable of being in a group like this. + +my psyche prescribed me abilify today, and out of curiosity I asked if that was the med known to sometimes lead to tardive dyskinesia. I'm not against trying abilify, all meds can have horrible side effects, but I wanted to know if that's what I was potentially getting myself into. I love my psyche, she's super nice and receptive, but she sorta laughed and told me to ""stop googling your medication"" which rubbed me the wrong way. it's a drug I'm unfamiliar with, should I not want to be prepared for the potential risks? I've told her before I'm open to trying anything, so it's not like I was telling her I wouldn't take it because I was scared, I was just asking a question so I know what to look out for. + +**I'm not gonna stop seeing her because this is such a small thing, but am I overreacting by feeling a bit icked out?**",Bipolar +45961,"Random extreme passions - is it a bipolar thing? /u/renagadethrowaway recently made a post about extreme passions to things that evaporate very quickly and I was wondering if that is actually caused by the bipolar disorder as it seems some people in this community share the issue, or is it just a personality trait that has nothing to do with the disorder. I haven’t found any research on it, what do you think?",Bipolar +45655,When medication is at therapeutic levels I get bad side effects Is there’s anyone else out there that finds when meds start to help with bipolar disorder bad sideeffects start? I literally can’t find a medication which I can function on AND manages my disorder. I’ve tried at least twelve drugs (iffy on the names of a few I was prescribed).,Bipolar +49686,"Should I tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab? So this is related to bipolar medication, I’m on 500mg ER quetiapine, I take it every night, however, I had to pull an all nighter for class so I misses the dose last night. However, I get symptoms if I don’t take the quetiapine at the same time each night, so I had to take it in the morning because I started getting symptoms. Basically I don’t think I can even get to class right now because I’m so out of it, normally I sleep after taking it so I forgot how crazy the side effects can be especially because I haven’t have food in awhile. So , do I go to lab in this zombie state, or tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab, while probably inconveniencing everyone who have helped me lots this semester and been very accommodating.im worried too bc it would mess up my lab schedule, and my report is due in a week . But i dont think i can go out an d function right now",Bipolar +50305,,Bipolar +45497,"The fog has lifted, but I can't tell if it's stability or hypomania After my meds stopped working about a month ago I returned to another awful mixed episode. It was my first period of stability since I first had symptoms two years ago, and I've been so afraid of how long before it would come back. How long I would be useless and unable to function in mixed state hell. I had some med changes last week, but I thought I would never be stable again. + +But this afternoon something changed. It's like my eyes opened wider, my senses were heightened, my energy levels quadrupled, and I now desire to do things. I finally took that shower I couldn't take all week. I was joking around with my family all day and having deep laughs that actually hurt. It felt oh so genuine, too. + +It's not all better, my paranoia's still there, and I was a bit delusional today. Feel a little antsy. My flashbacks of my mania have continued at about the same intensity, as well. + +The thing is the first time I was stable it felt a lot more subtle and not as sudden. It was great since it was the first time I had felt like a person in so long, but this is something else. I feel so disconnected to how I felt just yesterday, it's like it never happened. Like I've been feeling this good forever, and I just woke up from a bad dream. + +The recent med change was increasing my lithium from 900mg@0.6 level to 1200mg@0.9 level. When I was first put on Lithium at only 300mg I had the same high I'm experiencing now, is that typical? Also added on 50mg seroquel, but can a dose that low really do anything yet? + +It might seem overwhelmingly obvious that I'm hypomanic right now, but idk. For one I haven't been hypomanic in so long, recently it's either been manic or mixed manic. Also I feel more in control compared to when I was last hypomanic. More self-aware and hopefully less annoying. Then again maybe that's because I have more experience with this hell now. + +Idk, I really want to just savor how good I feel but I'm kinda worried + + + + +",Bipolar +49803,"One of my worst experiences with psychosis One of my worst experiences with psychosis was when I woke up in a cold sweat convinced I had killed my parents in their sleep. I was terrified that I stabbed them to death. I kept getting up and opening their door to make sure they were still alive and breathing while they slept but I couldn’t shake the feeling. It lasted until my dad woke up for work, hours later. Has anyone experienced something like this?",Bipolar +46463,"Is it mania or genuine confidence It's more than likely that it's mania since I'm on reddit posting about it after drinking champagne and finishing crocheting a stuffed animal cat wearing a scarf.. but + +I HAVE FELT REALLY FINANCIALLY CONFIDENT AND WANT TO APLY FOR A CREDIT CARD WITHIN THE NEXT HOUR or I never will. I have refused to get a credit card for 9 years now.. (currently24). My recent stability has helped me succeed financially to the point I confidently have bought myself things that aren't necessities! I am now sure that this is just mania and a bad impulsive decision as I am constantly deleting random rambled jumbled sentences into this impulsive post. + +&#x200B; + +I just would really appreciate some sort of advice or anyones past experience having a credit card even though there's a chance your mania could destroy you ",Bipolar +50259,"Rough start to the month, but I'm getting through it! For anyone wandering this is the app dailybean it's great for tracking your mood.",Bipolar +46320,Any one have long term experience with epival/depakote I’m 24/male and currently on it. I’m loosing hair and really concerned it could get worse. ,Bipolar +50050,"Are most people with bipolar high energy? I’m diagnosed bipolar I. +I feel like it seems most people with this disorder are high energy and hyperactive at baseline but I’ve never been that way. I’ve always been low energy until recently when my symptoms really started to show. Is that low energy going to go away? Just wondering if anyone is the same way.",Bipolar +50133,"Stopping birth control Hi + +Have any of you stopped taking birth control while on meds? I'm on lamotrigine, propranolol, lithium, and wellbutrin. I have the estrogen implant, and I want to get it removed and get my tubes tied instead. Im worried that if I remove it that my body and brain will go crazy. I've been on birth control for 10 years and I have no clue what I am like without it. + +Anyone have some insight as to what I might be getting myself into?",Bipolar +45759,"Full imagined world's/ excessive daydreaming Does anyone else spend an extortionate amount of time in your own head? I am a notorious daydreamer, I have very complex scenarios set up in my head and I can drift into them for hours at a time. Does anyone else have this? I feel like a weirdo haha",Bipolar +50378,"i loved mania but… the creativity i had was second to none. i was often sad that i wouldn’t experience that creativity and passion again but… i am. everyday. it’s beautiful. i realized, that all that fun stuff is still in my head and accessible. we are all geniuses! had this revelation while walking around miami on 0 hours of sleep. does anyone have any recommendations on what i should do to avoid a manic episode? i will call my psychiatrist and let her know. i’m medicated on Abilify.",Bipolar +45922,"I need help getting out of mania. Hey, this is my first time posting on this sub, I just need all the help I can get. I’m going through a separation/divorce, and I’ve been having a manic episode for about a week. Can’t sleep more than three hours a night and I’ve lost about 6lbs. Cant seem to come out of it no matter what I do. I did stop taking all psych meds about 6 months ago, before this all happened, aside from the occasional xanax and switched to thc edibles for sleep at night. It was working pretty well for me until this all happened. Is there anything in particular that you could recommend for stopping mania? I’m fucking desperate. ",Bipolar +45438,"Do you give in or abstain during periods of hyper sexuality? When I'm having hypersexuality problems, I tend to indulge my urges, but I wonder if that can make it worse/if I should try to ignore them. + +I'm not doing anything unsafe or irresponsible, but I wonder if it increases those kinds of feelings if they are always being honored. + +If I should calm myself, what tips do you have to do that? ",Bipolar +45702,"I think I am bipolar and was misdiagnosed with borderline... now what? (UK) Hello. + +To cut a very long story short, I believe I am bipolar, but have been misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My GP says this is likely, and that my treatment so far has been inappropriate because the crisis team are dismissive of people with personality disorders. So, she has referred me to see the entry-level people who gauge whether I can see a psychiatrist, with a view to be re-diagnosed. + +After that, I am worried about what will happen. I desperately want some treatment that will work for me, but I've found that BPD is a very ""sticky"" label and professionals often treat me like I am playing the system to try and get sympathy and as if what I say is unreliable. I am afraid of the psychiatrist thinking I am just shopping for a new diagnosis. Also I have run into a lot of problems in my health care from being diagnosed BPD, does anyone know if I can have that diagnosis removed if it's found to be incorrect? + +Anyone been through this? + +It's my first time here, so apologies if this post is not allowed, I don't think I saw anything in the rules that it violates, but I may have misread. + +Many thanks to anyone who comments.",Bipolar +46899,"Cognitive-Behavioral Function/Dysfunction vs. Mood Disorder I have never felt that my bipolar is a “mood disorder”. My upbringing and career have made me into someone who is not very in touch with my emotions and moods... I have always been turned off by my pdoc’s suggestion to keep a “mood journal”. + +I’ve always seen my moods or moments of happiness/sadness etc as situational. It is difficult for me to look back at periods of my life and discern any mood swings in the context of bipolar. + +Recently, my therapist (a new therapist for me) posed a question: “Are you feeling X or Y? ... those are common in mood disorders...” + +My response was to reject the term “mood disorder” as a descriptor for my bipolar. I said that my experience of bipolar is one of different phases of cognitive-behavioral function or dysfunction. Depression isn’t depressed mood but a decrease in the quality of my functioning (but I can still function if I push myself). Baseline is functioning. The hypomania spectrum is higher functioning (I’ve developed a way to focus hypomania on school/work so I don’t spin out). Mania is complete inability to function [within the confines of societal norms]. + +And while mania includes a euphoria feedback loop, I see it more than a sub-symptom of delusions- a “mood” that is solely born out of the far-between, brief psychotic states rather than an everyday experience of the majority of my life with bipolar. + +And I understand depression and hypomania encompass behaviors and functional levels that are not necessarily strictly associated with moods/emotions, but when it comes to actual moods and emotions, I feel like that is something outside of my bipolar experience. I can stay in bed until noon but still have a great day (or whether I have a good/bad day is dependent on whatever people/stimuli I come across). I can be hypomanic over a work project but then go home at night and get sad due to loneliness. All kinds of combinations of emotionally-neutral activity with situationally-based emotion on any given day. + +Anybody else experience bipolar this way? Accepting the bipolar diagnosis but don’t see it as a mood disorder or don’t identify your experience as a “mood disorder”?",Bipolar +46944,"How can you explain your depressed, but there is no real reason? I have been in an ongoing depression for almost 2 years. Yes I have had a few manic episodes but extremely short lived. I have BP1 and anxiety and several other things. I have no motivation to do anything. I have these ideas and know what to do, but I just can’t do it. When I start it’s like being in a hole with stuff constantly falling on me and I become so overwhelmed I just quit. I know people say it’s laziness, and some of could be. But I know it’s something that isn’t right. It is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I myself. I am at a point where I just don’t have any reason to do anything. I have had a chance at several interviews but when the time approaches I can’t go thru with it. It’s like I’m terrified of having some kind of freak out at work and that can’t happen again. I have lost all motivation and I take my medication religiously. I have been stable for several years, my last hospital stay was in 2007. My medication has stayed the same, but we went out of the country for 6 weeks and I have never been the same. Has anyone else just had that feeling that you know something isn’t right but also terrified of talking to a psychiatrist because of medication changes. It took years to get my combo right. I have had so many reactions to most meds the thought of that just scares the hell out of me. I don’t know why I felt like sharing but at least I know that everyone on here has had the experience of all the mood swings and manic and depression, it’s like you can understand me. I feel like my life has become a roller coaster ride and I am starting to wonder will this ever end??",Bipolar +45842,Geodon users? Just started taking Geodon and am not enjoying how cloudy I feel. Does it get better?,Bipolar +46768,"Question about Mania for Bipolar Depression (xpost in r/bipolar) What was your shortest manic episode? Average length? + +I have undetermined depression -- I'm on a mood stabilizer and Bipolar Depression has been thrown around a few times, but I have very infrequent/very short mania. Just wanted to get the feel for if this sounds like the right diagnosis.",Bipolar +45965,"Anyone else’s sleep schedule totally screwed up? I mean, generally. When anyone asks what my sleep schedule is, I basically say it’s either nonexistent or incredibly erratic. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Can anyone else relate?",Bipolar +46528,"Pharmacogenetic Testing? Has anyone had this done or seriously investigated it? I've been on the same med combo for over 10 years and I feel like I could be doing better. My therapist recommended I look into genetic testing with a different psychiatrist to give me the best shot at finding the best meds and dosages for me. I am seriously considering it, but wonder how effective it could be in relation to the cost. + +Any experience or input is most appreciated. + + ",Bipolar +46597,"Was off meds for 10 days. Help? Type 2, with a history of psychosis but none recently. + +Apparently my health care lapsed due to a billing error on their side Jan 1st and I wasn't told, found out when I tried to pick up my meds. Been off them a week and a half before I was able to afford them again. Called my health insurance again today (about the 5th time) and they want $1800 in back payment to reinstate it. Work for a startup that's a month late paying me so I'm broke. My work health insurance kicks in March 1st, if I can hold on that long. Skipped my last psychiatrist appointment. Haven't seen my therapist in two months. + +Took my meds this morning but it will take a while for them to kick back in I think. Rapid cycling, crying in the bathroom constantly at work today. My family's across the country. My best friend has pulled away since he got in a relationship and I feel like I have no safety net. + +I just need someone to tell me to keep going, even if it's a stranger on the internet. ",Bipolar +46566,"Mixed state (TW) This inner tension keeps building. It is so impossibly tense I could swear it’ll snap at any given. Yet it never. ever. does. Mixed state makes me wanna rip my face off. And I am not a violent person. This horrifies me. I see the glass of water I am drinking from in my hand, and the thought flashes I want to smash this against my face. Not for the self-loathing. No no no. But for the shock of shards in that sensation, that might actually feel refreshing, against this numbing blunting nauseating depression. I can’t run from it. + +I want to quietly go quiet. Motel. Spend what’s left of my bank account at a motel. To quietly go quiet. ",Bipolar +46712,"Vivid dreams are making it impossible to get rest I have Bipolar II and I'm so sick and tired of feeling like I get no rest at all. Every night I have dreams that are either nightmares (people murdering me, my loved ones dying, at one point I even dreamed someone was slicing open my veins and I was heading towards the light and forced myself to wake up so I wouldn't die) or dreams that genuinely feel like real life and then I wake up confused that I'm in my bed. For the past few nights I've had dreams that I'm in relationships or in love with someone and then I wake up and am honestly kind of sad that it's not real. The content of the dreams and the lack of restful sleep is really starting to drag me into a bad depressive episode. I feel so helpless..I take 75 mg of Lamictal and 75 mg of Wellbutrin. I know vivid dreams can be a side effect of lamictal but I'm very sensitive to medication and terrified to try different drugs. I was prescribed vistaril but I hate taking it because of how tired it makes me the next day and it honestly didn't really stop the dreams. I used to smoke weed and it definitely made it so I have no dreams but I started to get horrible panic attacks so that's a no go. Does anyone have any experiences like this and could offer me advice or medications to look into?",Bipolar +45993,"Does anyone else have the urge to stop taking their meds? I struggle with the urge to stop taking my meds all the time. I'm tired of the weight gain and the side effects. The anti-psychotics seem to have the worst side effects. But I know if I stop taking them, I'll turn into a crazy bitch. Yet, even on medication I still also struggle with impulsive sex with strangers. Does anyone also still experience impulsive actions even on medication? This is something that makes me feel quite ashamed and is not healthy. ",Bipolar +49837,"I think I was misdiagnosed Okay, so 2 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, and at the time I was like, ""this doesn't sound right, but I guess I'll go with it."" I was put on lamotrigene after a 20 minute appointment with my psychiatrist where, with some vague descriptions of what my highs and lows were, he decided it was a solid diagnosis. But the thing is, he never asked for specifics about what they were like, just generally if I experienced them. + +The highs of my 'mania' would last about 1-3 months at a time, and usually consisted of me being very active and upbeat, but I never exactly had any risky behaviors associated with it. I've never had periods of hypersexuality, or completely upended my life on a whim or anything extreme like that. I can get irritable, and my impulse control has never been great, but I've never felt like my thoughts were racing or anything like that. + +Probably the most 'extreme' thing I've ever done was to move to a different state after a 5 year relationship that I felt trapped in ended. I just needed a fresh start from it and I got that before moving back home with a better perspective (albeit in the middle of a depressive episode). + +In fact, the only really concerning thing I ever had going on were intense periods of depression (also lasting between 1 and 3 months at a time). I would have a hard time getting myself motivated to do basic tasks and my interest in things I enjoyed waned during those times to pretty much nothing. + +Being put on meds, I was just coming out of a long funk and, after starting lamotrigene, it never really felt like that funk ended. I still have problems motivating myself to do basic things, even 2 years in, and I constantly feel like I'm lagging and forcing myself to do everything and I hate it. During my up periods I used to actually workout and be active and would write and take my son to the park and be an active and eager participant in family activities. But since being medicated I don't have any of that. I'm gaining weight and have zero motivation to do anything about it despite being miserable because of it, being an active parent feels like a chore, and I can't write to save my life. + +I feel like I'm a totally different person, and I don't want to be this way anymore. I think I might have been misdiagnosed, but idk how to broach this with my psychiatrist (I feel like he barely listens to me). If anything my symptoms are much closer to that of ADHD or MDD just applying my lived experiences to them, but when I tried to bring up ADHD he kind of handwaved it away saying that adult ADHD was difficult to diagnose and left it there. + +I'm not sure how to bring this up with him and was hoping some people here might be able to give me some tips on how to do that? Should I get a 2nd opinion from another psychiatrist? I just want to stop feeling this way.",Bipolar +50078,asking for an autism evaluation i’ve been with my new psychiatrist for a few months now and she’s so precious like absolutely wonderful. i’ve been thinking for a while that i could be on the spectrum and i just want to know if i am definitively or not. idk how i should go about bringing it up esp since we already have a host of disorders to deal with rn. i’m kinda scared to ask for an evaluation tho cus what if she doesn’t agree or smt i just don’t want to feel uncomfortable thinking abt it is making me anxious,Bipolar +46227,Question for Daylio users Is buying the premium app worth it? Right now the app doesn't seem to do enough to warrant paying for it. Is the premium version that much better?,Bipolar +46335,"Anyone else feel like the periods of stability make bp better than depression? I was very depressed from ages 14-19 but a few months after turning 19 had my first hypomanic episode. I rapid cycled for a while, had a few weeks of stability, had a month long hypomanic episode, a month long depressive episode, and now I’ve been stable for the past two months. As much as the rapid cycling sucks, the periods of stability are amazing. For once I can see why my peers in highschool had such an easy time doing stuff when I struggled the second I opened my eyes. After like 5 years of monotonous depression there’s finally some things to look forward to. Anyone else feel similar?",Bipolar +45456,"Low grade hypomania is back...and I love it Before my GP put me on antidepressants and spiraled me into a year long crazy cycling that had me re diagnosed to BP I, my mania was a manageable, predictable state that had me making lists of frugality, cleaning like crazy, working out and eating healthy. + +I enjoyed the time, and the depression that followed was usually low-grade as well--general irritability and annoyance of friends, feeling like I no longer loved my boyfriend (which in stability, I found out I don't) + +Over that last few months I have finally become stable. Until recently. My medicine has been spotty and once I felt the mania coming I stopped taking it at all. + +Back on meds but still manic. I love the feeling. It isn't the crazy ""god is speaking to"" staying up all night redesigning a fish tank (why?) or hyper reorganizing that left my house a total disaster as I couldn't have the focus to follow through. + +It's back to setting goals, making lists, focusing on healthy and happiness. Low-grade mania actually makes me SAVE money--I become obsessed with spending as little as I can (whereas the mania from antidepressants had me blow 20k over 4 months) + +I feel like I'm enjoying living again. Stability is so... so boring. And the problem with stability is that I never learned self-discipline in the face of not having manic inspirations. It isn't depression, but my room becomes a complete mess, I don't take my dogs on walks, I don't try at work. Again, that's simply because I am so USED to feeling inspiration and energy from mania, that stability requires discipline and vigilance that I have never had to learn. + +So why should I go back on meds? To me, this is worth the depression. I become ultra-functional. Functional enough that I can ride out the depressions as people become used to and aware of my energy and motivation. I understand the mania from before, the mania that had me re diagnosed as Bipolar I--that was purely induced from meds-- is unsustainable. I didn't even enjoy it. But this is something altogether different. It is ME. I don't know 'stability', that is not me. I don't even dislike it as I'm going through it, but now that I'm experiencing the energy again I don't think I can go back. + +How am I supposed to write poetry, paint, play the piano, clean, focus on my healthy--how am I supposed to do that stable when I have no knowledge of self-discipline that makes you drudge through you chores while you're tired and uninspired. + +I almost feel bad for 'stable' people--to never experience the inspiration that we have. On the other hand, comparing stability to this makes it a no-brainer that this is better. Even the depression was apart of me before. Stability is a whole different person, someone that I don't particularly like.",Bipolar +46380,"Latuda? Thoughts? I’ve been through abilify that caused anxiety, seroquel which made me groggy and most recently zyprexa which made it impossible for me to wake up. Prior to all of these I was only on lamictal and Wellbutrin which had been working well until a hypomanic episode this summer. I begged my doctor to take me off of zyprexa which he did reluctantly. He mentioned Latuda. Has Latuda worked well for anyone. Your input is appreciated. ",Bipolar +47051,"Bipolar w/ ASMR (sidenote on New Age culture & spirituality) Anyone else experiences ASMR on top of your manic episodes? I have type 1 ASMR and Bipolar 1 and I've found it to be a deadly combination. When manic, I'll come up with these metaphysical laws and--despite how compulsive and irrational as fuck they are-- get this huge flood of stimulation from the back of my head all the way to my feet that makes it seem like the universe is confirming my understanding. It got to a point in my development where I believed I was given the date of the end of the world and that the afterlife was split 80% enslaved and 20% saved. + +Months later, my life has blown into ruins and what was once seeming so inexplicably clear now seems psychotic. Is there a lesson to be had from all of this or can it all be written off as manic thinking? + +Sidenote: what's extra complicating on top of all of this is the thirst that new age culture seems to have on pondering spirituality and metaphysics. On the one hand, it's nice that there is a community (albeit niche) that embraces neurodivergence and ""out of the box"" thinking. On the other, I'm finding it dangerous because of the community's willingness to affirm these manic thoughts that Im having as reality. The twofold affirmation had me push towards accepting all these thoughts as absolute truths and burning bridges with people that wouldn't accept what I was experiencing. This ended up being a lot of fucking people and I ended up homeless. + + + +Yes, I understand that ASMR is a scientifically controversial subject, but it seems there are enough people out there that experience the symptoms of it to talk about it. If you don't know what I'm talking about: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomous_sensory_meridian_response",Bipolar +45726,"More Trouble Than I'm Worth Without going into much detail, here's a little context: +Happily (as much as BPD allows) married to a wonderful man, and we have a beautiful, brilliant toddler. They're so good to/for me - I often feel undeserving. +I've been in a depressive episode for almost 2 months - med compliant, have been for 3 years. + +Lately, I've been fucking up little, typical people things; scratched the car, got scammed out of $300, letting food go bad in the fridge... They're hitting my self-worth hard for no other reason than my low threshold for disappointment and my high expectations of myself. + +The latest thing is a creepy message left on my front door on Valentine's Day saying they saw me in the area and wanted to leave their number/Facebook in case they never saw me again.... WTF. Of course my husband is pissed, and I feel like my privacy has been 100% violated. Husband is SO upset that he has a hard time seeing how this affects me - but besides that, I feel like I'm way more trouble than I'm worth. +My constant emotional turmoil, the fatigue, prescription drug costs, migraines that make me worthless for hours. +I feel like I should just be alone. Like the people I love shouldn't be subjected to my bullshit and have to clean up my messes or pay my debt when I die (just got denied life insurance for BPD diagnosis). +I have a lot of supportive people in my life, family, friends, therapist. Regardless, I can't shake this worthlessness, self-loathing guilt. + +Thanks for reading if you do, just having a rough... life right now. I know this probably sounds whiny - I have an objectively great life that I've worked hard for. Why do I still feel so shitty? ",Bipolar +50304,"So my therapist gave me a brochure today... Its for a wellness center that he is recommending I go to. He'd rather not hospitalize me and this would be me volunteering to go. I just don't see how I can spend what seems like minimum one month away from my family and my life. + +What would everyone around me think if I just randomly disappeared for a month or more? (I know I have bigger problems but Its of concern to me) + +No access to cell phones or my job for that matter. + +I just don't see how a married man with 2 kids and a fulltime job can just disappear and go off the grid. I have bills to pay and mouths to feed. + +I am not sure how to handle any of this",Bipolar +50397,"I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1. Looking for advice and tips? I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 today and this is all new to me. I'm on medication for bipolar and an antidepressant as well as an anxiety medication. + +Any advice for someone just diagnosed would be greatly appreciated",Bipolar +49524,"What kind of therapy do you do? I haven't had a therapist for a while because I felt like it wasn't working for me. I am very self aware which just seems to make it difficult. I can describe my feelings and thoughts well so they don't understand why I'm struggling. It's like, just because I can articulate it or locate the source of the problem doesn't mean I'm actually working through it. Does anyone else have this problem? I feel like I haven't found a therapist that really gets it yet so I barely make any progress.",Bipolar +49922,"Some Seroquel struggles I’m going through, please help ? Hello guys I’m 26f and lately been put on seroquel 300mg and tedema due to being in a depressive episode (the worst of my entire life) I’m bipolar type 2 but my hypomanic episodes don’t compare to the depressive ones, as they are minor in comparasion. +Being on seroquel for the last few months I feel like I got really ""lazy"" I just move between my bed and coach and rarely leave the house. I really need help in that area. +My libido is non existant, I feel like that area of my life is lost or something, and it bothers me as well. +I sleep a solid 12h a day if not more, it’s also bugging me because I’m never awake before midday and I feel like life is passing me by. +The weight gain is another issue needless to say. +So these are the things that I need help with, I wish I could drop seroquel altogether but my psychiatrist says that it’s currently the best treatment for me. Any input is welcomed, thank you.",Bipolar +46560,"I need someone to talk to [self harm trigger warning] Had harsh side effects from a new med which interacted with my cornerstone med. Because of this I haven't taken them for a month. + I've been cycling horribly for the last month. Two days ago it was my birthday and yesterday my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me. +I'm losing my mind and Ive lost my best friend and support system. +These dark thoughts of ending my life are always in the back of my mind, but they've never been so present and loud as they are right now. +. +This is the only sub I feel comfortable reaching out to. +If you did, thanks for reading",Bipolar +46023,"I don't get this thing happening right now. Ok. There's a celebrity that I think is very hot, and I'd love to go out on a date with him. So in my head I wrote an email to approach him, fantasized on him coming to my house to pick me up, what I would say during the date. And this is now stuck in my head. After 3 or 4 days of thinking/feeling/having this fantasy, I've accepted that this is sooo impossible it's not funny. But why am I getting obsessive? i would check the mail every few hours in a day hoping he'd answer. I would cry a little bit knowing that he would reply that I'm not good enough, in his circles, too crazy. + +Logic says I want the impossible. My brain keeps going over this. I'm looking at all his pics on the net. I want to know what he smells like. This is all irrational. And it's not going away. WTF?",Bipolar +49514,"I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1. Looking for advice and tips? I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 today and this is all new to me. I'm on medication for bipolar and an antidepressant as well as an anxiety medication. + +Any advice for someone just diagnosed would be greatly appreciated",Bipolar +49728,"Forgetting episodes Does anyone else have holes in their memory from specific hypomania and/or depressive episodes. When family have brought up situations where I was manic or depressed I generally have very little to no recognition of what they’re talking about and it usually takes a lot of detailing to get me to vaguely remember. + +Please tell me I’m not alone 😬 it’s a little scary.",Bipolar +49828,Does anyone have a specific exercise that helps with their symptoms the most and helps with weight loss? I used to walk more when I was in college but now I work more of a in the office job. It’s easy to maintain gym workouts when I’m more in an up but when the depression hits everything is hard. Anyone have anything that they can maintain in the highs and lows? (I’m still trying to become stable)! Thanks!,Bipolar +50374,,Bipolar +49956,"overthinking/ ruminating about how should I live life ? basically I can’t stop thinking about mindsets, methods, ways in which I should live by. Thinking and ruminating constantly about how i should be living my life. How I should be thinking. I don’t know what to do. why can’t I just enjoy things. Should I be present? Should I be positive? Should I focus on self love? Should I focus on being self aware? +that’s basically how my mind has been working 24/7",Bipolar +50094,"Type 2 spending issues? Hi everyone, + +I was just wondering if type 2 people can have issues with spending too much money or if that is exclusively type 1? I don’t think I’m hypomanic right now. I think it was just overstimulation—I went to a local comicon with my brother. I didn’t spend a ton, but I bought more than I intended and I feel it was a bit more impulsive. I think I’m just really anxious right now. I’ve had concerns about turning into a hoarder for years (runs in my family), but I’ve been aware and trying to work through those issues. Idk. I’m just really anxious today and I wanted some feedback from you guys cuz you always give me great advice. I appreciate this sub so so so much. 💝",Bipolar +46217,"Does anyone have a sudden problem with worrying about what to do with their time, or worrying about time, and how much there is, in general? I'm struggling greatly with anxiety over time itself. I'm coming out of a manic episode. Before and during the episode, I had no problem getting up early, because I didn't worry about what to do with my time and any extra time. Now I have overwhelming dread over time, as if I had something very specific and difficult to worry about, but its just simply the passage of time. It feels like I'm in jail, although I don't know what that is actually like. Can anyone else relate to this?",Bipolar +46616,"My Diagnosis is the worst thing to happen to me I was diagnosed a month ago after going in for a [TMS](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcranial_magnetic_stimulation) consultation for what I thought was my life long clinical depression. The psychiatrist told me I was not a candidate because I was not depressed but had bipolar type 2. I got a second opinion and he also confirmed bipolar type 2. + +&#x200B; + +Ever since I got my diagnosis, I've kinda gone off the deep end. On one side, I got an answer to my problem and a potential solution. But on the other side, I am now unable to see any part of me with any normalcy. Everything about me is now seen with discernment and that is causing me to lose my mind, so to speak. I don't want to call it a mental health crisis, but that's what it feels like. + +&#x200B; + +I'm 27 and have obviously lived with this most of my life, but I always just thought I had depression that I was able to come in and out of depending on my lifestyle choices and I was probably a bit ADHD, loud, laughed too much etc... But now when I'm in a ""good"" mood, I just think I'm hypomanic. + +&#x200B; + +The doctor gave me a mood stabilizer that caused extremely vivid hallucinations and I was scared to sleep... I would stay up all night just because I knew I would wake up with crazy hallucinations - I saw my girlfriend turn into a wearwolf and bite my neck. CRAZY things like that... + +&#x200B; + +So now I'm depressed and it's hard for me to work, I keep having meltdowns and I don't know what to do... I'm fearing that this will ruin my career and even though I'm optimistic that I'll eventually find a drug that helps me, I don't know how much time I have to get stable. Why is this happening to me just because I got a diagnosis? + +&#x200B; + +I talk to my therapist and I try to go to support groups as often as possible but I don't know who else to ask... any insight would be helpful... :/",Bipolar +50357,,Bipolar +45854,"Do any other women impulsively cut off their hair during episodes? I've done this a couple of good times, but I'm so upset with the most recent incident which was in October of past year. It took me so long to grow my hair out and then in a mixed episode aggravated by Klonopin withdrawal, I chopped it all off. ?? + +During manic episodes, I typically will bleach my hair, you see, and in my mixed state, I felt like I should not be a blonde, my hair should be it's natural dark color to reflect my depression, or whatever. A rational person would have dyed their goddamn hair, but no, I cut it down to the roots. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? ??",Bipolar +50149,"Dissociation? I started a depressed episode in oct of 2022, this did not start right away but rather crept in especially in the last 2 or so months. I’ve been doing much better but this is still lingering, I feel as though it’s getting better but I’m not sure and just here to see if other experience this and if there are things to help. + +When I look in the mirror I do not recognize myself, I don’t even know what I think I look like in my head, it’s really hard for me to picture my face. But when I see myself I think this is not what I look like even tho it obviously is. This also happens when I look at photos of myself. It’s a bit bothersome and makes it hard to feel confident about the way I look bc I used to be so confident but now I don’t even know what I look like or am supposed to look like if that makes sense.",Bipolar +45553,"Citalopram for Bipolar 2 (intense) Depression? Have you tried it? Hey friends, + +So I've had a BP 2 diagnosis for many, many years. I was extremely, badly depressed towards the beginning I suppose you could call it. At the time, Lamictal helped me beyond my wildest expectations. It gave me many years of being able to live and work productively. + +Fast forward to the present. I have been ultradian cycling for a few months. Basically, my illness has progressed and is keeping me from working or even doing basic things. So I turned to my pdoc for help. + +Despite the chance that an antidepressant may have to flip me into hypomania, the risk is worth it right now. + +I've started Celexa (Citalopram) which lists its purposes as intended for Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, maybe another thing or two. + +Has anyone had experience with Citalopram alongside a mood stabilizer? I'm extremely down and hoping for any help here.",Bipolar +46133,"Voices So I was digonost with manic depression some years ago and I have been taking meds since. I recently found out that audio hallucination are a symptom and I am very confused. I always thought that ""the voice"" was how everyone thought. Its so common to me it was normal and now I find out it not. Does anyone else have this and how do you deal with it?",Bipolar +45401,"Ketamine Therapy So the other day I'm on the net and I see an ad for a ketamine clinic that promotes it for bipolar, but provided no information. I requested the science to support their claim, and sent it to a scientist to back up what I had read. Thid scientist was also part of the DC ketamine trials and helped analyze the information. We were of the same mind. Good in theory, but no real science to support their claims. With MDD and PTST sure, but bipolar is a different kind of beast. Anyways I get a call from the doc that runs the cliinic. We talk for about 15 minutes and I get all my questions answered. They claim an 80% success rate. That seem super high for me. Also insurance doesn't cover it so it would all be out of pocket. I am a prime candidate, but I'm not going to pay money to be a lab rat, especially if there's a 20% failure rate. I would mean regular maintenence doses and stopping meds, which scare me. + +Anyone done it? Any thoughts? I'm not looking for a cure, but an effective treatment that's more effective than the meds I get to take the rest of my life. + +Like I said I'm just looking for thoughts and experiences.",Bipolar +49850,"I need someone to talk about bipolar So, I have a lot of problems because I'm also border. Sometimes I get picky with food and stop to eat, I can't shower and have trouble with my sleep. Anyone like this too? I don't like to feel this way, I take my meds everyday and talk to my therapist and still feel bad, I have suicidal thoughts and I drink and smoke a lot. I tried to talk with other bipolars in real life but they don't want to talk about it. My house is trash, I feel no good and I'm always shaking. Sorry, I just need someone to talk to.",Bipolar +45765,"Help with coping (xpost from r/cyclothymia) Hey guys, + +First time posting! Anyway. For reference, I’m 23 and female, married, and a first time mom. My baby girl is 8 weeks old, and was 4 weeks premature. We spent six days in NICU, then 2 weeks later we were in the hospital with RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) for two weeks. I’m diagnose cyclothymic and have been for a year and a month after being misdiagnosed major depressive the year before. I’m on Lexapro and Lamictal and have been since January 2017, and I’m still struggling with a lot of rapid cycling and mental trauma from past experiences...now we have to add my daughter almost dying in my arms from not being able to breathe. + +Now that that’s out of the way, I need advice. I can’t get back to my therapist until April, and I can’t change medications because I’m breastfeeding. I had high anxiety during pregnancy, and the anxiety has lingered, along with deepening depressive episodes partially due to loneliness and postpartum. I’m in school (online) for digital media design, and I’m trying to get a job working at home. My husband works as a teacher at a school 35 minutes away, so we don’t see him until later in the evenings. + +Anybody have any ideas for how to manage the depression and cycling until April? I have self-destructive tendencies (self-harm, food issues, etc), and am trying to avoid falling back into those habits. I’m open to nearly anything - I’m a Christian, but I’m open to almost anything. Links appreciated too. Thanks!",Bipolar +50362,,Bipolar +50382,"Online Support Groups Does anyone have experience with DBSA or other support groups? More specifically, online support groups? Are they helpful? There seems to be nothing available in south Mississippi and I am really struggling and would like to connect with others like me. I’m just way too isolated and it’s taking a significant toll on my health (mental and physical). All suggestions welcome.",Bipolar +45477,"Reputable online screening I really think I have bipolarity, I really don't want anyone else to know, especially family, and was wondering if you all could recommend a reliable, reputable online test for it. I just want to have a more firm comprehension of what I feel. Thanks in advance!",Bipolar +49502,"Having to start over is killing me. Who has successful rebuilt their life after mania? Especially if you have a low stress tolerance. Mania ruined my life I miss my old life the way things use to be I work so hard for everything and went thru so much in life just to destroy it all. Now it’s been almost 5 month and I try to start over went to a new school and trying to make new friends everything and it hurts so bad because it doesn’t compare to the life I use to have. I need some help. How do you rebuild everything! + +I cry everyday after I leave class because it hurts so much that my college degree extended by another 2 years and the anxiety of wondering if I can do it. This hurts so much how do you rebuild your life after mania it like I keep trying and it just ends up upsetting me.",Bipolar +50096,,Bipolar +50565,"is this masking? I was spending time with a friend today, felt totally normal and good in the conversation, im very close to her and feel very comfortable. then one of our other friends came over that i’m still comfortable with, but not as comfortable and I noticed it wasn’t as “easy” for me. It felt like I was trying so hard to be present, that I wasn’t present. Like I was putting so much energy into having energy and smiling and being engaged but I wasn’t. I felt off, weird, and robotic. + +I feel like this happens a lot to me whenever I hang out with other people who aren’t my usual group of 3 friends, even if I am “comfortable” with them. Or even sometimes in group settings when I can’t keep up with the energy of the group or my energy is too big in the group, but not so much one on one. + +Any idea why this is happening to me? Is this masking?",Bipolar +46900,"NSFW! I'm terrified I just lost my job. It was completely my fault. I'm so sick of being a complete disappointment to everyone. I know that if I didn't exist everyone I know would be better off including (especially) my daughter. I am trying to get up the courage to do what I need to and I want to say good bye and I love you, but I'm afraid people will think I'm just being dramatic. I'm sorry I just thought it would help to put this out there instead of just journaling. ",Bipolar +50478,"Feeling grateful Like many of you in this community, I have cripplingly low self esteem partly from the depressive episodes I find myself in most of the time. Stability hasn’t been attainable for me- I’ve only been on meds for a year and haven’t found the right cocktail yet. + +Today, I’m able to give myself a small pat on the back. + +I’ll be sober a year, at the end of this month. + +I’ve abstained from casual sex/promiscuity for 2 years. + +I’m really proud of myself.",Bipolar +45821,"First depressive episode since diagnosis So I’m having my first depressive episode since I was diagnosed as bipolar. I was going through the feeling of “why does this keep happening? what’s wrong with me right now?” when it finally clicked on how long bipolar disorder had been impacting me. This kind of event wasn’t new, I just have a name for it now. + +There still needs to be reflection to figure out what triggered this but recognizing what’s going on feels so good (even though I feel so bad right now). ",Bipolar +45683,"My date told me: ""I can't pursue this because I am not capable of handling mood disorder. So sorry."" This was several days after a very nice meal was shared and it came up that one of her past boyfriends has bipolar and is/was an addict to a couple of things. + +I am not an addict and I felt that she unfairly lumped me in with him. + +It's no great loss as this was only the first date, and I suppose I should be glad that it ended as swiftly as it did. + +Just felt like getting that off my chest; thank you for reading.",Bipolar +50361,"Childhood Emotional Abuse? I just read that bipolar disorder is linked to childhood emotional abuse. I was also reading about how narcissistic abuse, specifically, causes brain damage. Sadly, I think this is probably how I developed this disorder. Has anyone else experienced something similar?",Bipolar +46947,"I’m aware I might be manic right now And obviously trying to convince myself that I’m not manic but having an spiritual awakening? I wrote a lot of bullshit about feeling connected to the universe on my journal half an hour ago and just read through it and it’s clear that I’m being way too philosophical and believe shit I normally would not, yet questioning my sanity at the same time. + +I also ordered a tarot deck online and it’s arriving today. I am Christian so this does not make sense at all! I’ve also been gettin really into meditating and trying to align my chakras (but all the times my mom would tell me to do that before I would sceptically tell her that It is not true) why now? + +I also ordered a 23andme test to see where my ancestors were from cause I want to practice the magic they used to practice? Make no sense but???? + +Like I know this isn’t me and I might be manic but!??? I kinda want to believe I’m just happy and spiritual because I had the most awful depressive episode last month. Then again, I also stopped taking my Lamictal and now I’m titrating back up so yeah I might actually be manic. + +But I’ve been sleeping just fine? I mean, my sleep pattens are a mess but overall I’ve been getting at least 5 hours of sleep every night! Plus it’s not like I’m euphoric all the time? I suddenly get this waves of euphoria and need to dance? At last happy? + +I also have a atrong desire to go vegan to feel more connected to nature and at the same time to do keto so that I can fast easily and feel more connected to myself! + +I’m making no sense and I know that! But I keep questioning whether I’m actually manic or happy or just faking it + + I’m honestly confused but happy? ",Bipolar +45633,"International health insurance? I know this may be a long shot, but I’m moving abroad this summer and am shopping around for an international health insurance plan that will cover my psychiatric medications and a few psychiatrist visits a year. Does anyone have experience with this? My work doesn’t provide expat insurance and I’ll be primarily getting my healthcare in South Africa (but I’ll be living in Madagascar). +I’m pretty sure I qualify as having a pre-existing condition but I haven’t been in the hospital for three years, and I’ve had consistent coverage for at least the last five years. ",Bipolar +49571,"hypomanic? lately i’ve been wondering if i have been hypomanic (have been spending *so much* money, mostly on my 16 new hobbies i have picked up for my new life transformation, have lost a lot of weight due to my ✨New Life Transformation✨, and never want to sleep because there’s just…so much to do!!! too much excitement!) +and i just caught myself laying in bed for the last 4 hours thinking about making a youtube channel and becoming fitness guru/lifestyle coach + +🤡 <<<<<< me affff LMAOOOOO",Bipolar +46591,"Anyone type 2 and in a long term, healthy relationship? I just had a manic episode with my new boyfriend. Granted we started out as friends but still, I feel I’m not compatible with anyone. + +I was off my medications for a solid week or two and I felt myself going off the rails. I got mad at him for things I still can’t even understand, I was pushing him away like I would during a manic episodes. + +No emotions. Impulsive. Quick to end it all and move on. Anyways, I’d really like feed back. ",Bipolar +46163,"Tell me about Lamictal (lamotrigine) Hey Yall , + +I'm Bipolar type 2, +currently on 20mg cymbalta +and regular dose of dioxizine and clonidine (which doesn't do much) +I was on clonazapam for around 15 years till they pulled me off, and it hasn't ever been the same. I've been off for about a year and a half now. + +My main symptons now are tons of anxiety, and occasional panic, lots of moodiness including intense fear, anger, and resentment, especially to those I love and don't intend to hurt. + +I'm thinking of trying out lamotrigine, have you guys had any luck with it. Of course, I realize individual results will vary.. Thanks guys, stay strong. ",Bipolar +47017,"DAE feel like you’re wasting your life when depressed and then have to “make up for lost time” when manic and do EVERYTHING? I constantly worry I’m wasting my time/youth doing the wrong thing or nothing at all. I just got out of a ~3 month episode where I barely left bed or talked to anyone. I’m better now but I have so much boundless energy/drive that I don’t know where to direct it. + +I know this is irrational thinking — I’m about to graduate from college and I’m on track to grad school. I do things with friends. I travel. But I worry I’m going to look back at my early twenties and be like “you spent your youth doing THAT?” + +Then when I’m manic I kinda go off the rails and do things I didn’t even want to do but felt compelled to. It’s wack. Anyone else feel this way sometimes?",Bipolar +45795,Bipolar friends I have no bipolar friends in real life (just a few family members who are usually unstable and I tend to distance myself). I honestly feel it could be destructive to my own stability so I tend to be OK with it. But at times I do think it would be nice to have someone I can talk to that really gets what I go through. What are everyone's thoughts on this?,Bipolar +47057,"Bipolar versus ""Trauma"" I have been dxd as Bipolar 1 for the last 5 years, had signs before that. I am on some meds, but we're always trying to find a better combo, and I do weekly ECT which helps the most. I have to do therapy, so I have been the the last few months, and my therapist wanted me to meet the Therapy head Counselor Manager person, and had me take this one 1-4 on each question thing After, my therapist who is still in school to become a social worker, says she doesn't think I'm Bipolar, and the manager comes in and sees the sheet of paper and says something like ""yeah, this is very common for people that think they have Bipolar t's just their Trauma response"" and I'm supposed to hear from the Trauma dept for other info.....but I have been dx'd by more than 1 doctor by this.....this is completely setting me off. I see my regular Psych tomorrow but wanted to know if anyone had any similar experiences....",Bipolar +45548,"Bipolar Reddit, what's the best life lesson you've learned after coming out of a Psychosis? After my first one I basically had to reprogram my mind. I found that there was a lot of nonsense thoughts that I didn't even agree with. So I learned to be mindful of the ideas and thoughts I allow to circle around in my mind. + + +What's yours??? + + +Edit: Apparently Bipolar people are wise as fuck.",Bipolar +46012,"Really stressed out, worried that it’ll send me into a really bad depressive episode So, my aunt passed away in October and since then everything has turned to complete shit. I had to move in with my cousin because he’s handicapped and can’t take care of himself. He has nurses throughout the day so I’m mainly just there for the night. The nurses are complete jerks who move all of my things, take up the laundry room to wash towels all day, chain smoke, and other not professional behavior. On top of that, I recently made a mistake and now two of my closest friends won’t even speak to me or if they do it’s to cancel plans that we had made. Then, my job is opening up a couple leadership roles to apply for but because im so stressed out about everything else my work has suffered lately. I don’t know. I’m stressing hardcore and can’t afford a depressive episode right now. ",Bipolar +50247,"considering dropping out of school. everything is just too much lately. i am doing so bad. i am so suicidal, depressed, and just feel terrible all around. i’ve been doing so many things that are bad for me lately like sh, skipping meds, and drinking when i have an illness that is triggered by alcohol. i’m probably about to end up in a mental hospital again and school is just too much for me to deal with on top of everything else. i am constantly so stressed out about my school work and grades and it is making my mental health so much worse. all i want to do is drop out, i just can’t do it anymore. life feels like way too much. i wish i was dead.",Bipolar +46484,"scared of mania/mood shift. help/advice? technically, my “unclassified mood disorder” isn’t bipolar but i take mood stabilizers along with my prozac and xanax. but regardless, i feel like i’m losing my mind or i’m about to crawl out of my skin. +in december i was extremely depressed, and very suicidal. my parents knew this, i’m in college and living at home, trying to get this mental health thing sorted. + +anyway, i went from wanting to die every night to feeling like i’m buzzing out of my skin in like a month? is this mania? + +i developed a rash on my face due to stress cause school started up, i can’t sleep, im creatively inspired (writing poetry, enjoying my english classes, having fun writing essays) but cannot focus in math. online algebra takes twice as long bc of videos and i feel like i can’t catch up + +as i’m writing this i feel like i’m about to throw up because i just keep seeing all these clues that something hasn’t been right. i don’t know if i should see my psych or wait for this to pass. + +y’all help? i have never felt a mood shift like this before and it’s terrifying",Bipolar +45689,"Medicated Type 1: Hypomanic and scared. Help! Hey all, + +Diagnosed with type 1 after mania and hospitalization two years ago. Been on medication ever since. Settled into something about 6 months ago. Felt pretty stable, but I was triggered one week ago by a really stressful work event. Couldn’t tell if I was just normally stressed or if it was hypomania. Now, two weeks later, work settled down and I’m still experiencing the symptoms. + +I have three days until my next doctors appointment. What can I do? + +I really don’t want another full blown manic episode. + +Thanks for any advice.",Bipolar +45824,"Speaking in front of school soon. Help, please. I’m two weeks, I am set to speak in front of my entire school about my struggles with depression as a bigger part of an outreach day the school leadership is planning. I intend to discuss the struggle that is depression, tell my personas story, and finally send two big messages about mental illness to my school. I’d like to first address those who may suffer from mental illness and help them to know that there can be hope. That I understand how much it forces you to feel worthless and isolate yourself, but that if we all can learn to help one another, we can begin to not be alone. The other is to address those who may hold a stigma against mental illness or simply don’t know how to help at all. I would love it if y’all here at r/BipolarReddit could give me some feedback and overall relay to me what some of the most important things need to be addressed in regard to mental health. + +Here’s a few questions to guide your feedback if you’d like to answer them. If not, feel free to share some thoughts and ideas with me it’d be much appreciated. Love y’all. It’s hard. I know. + +1. As a person who suffers from mental illness, what does it help to hear? What helps to give you hope? +2. How can others help? +3. What’s one thing you think people need to better understand about mental illness and bipolar disorder? +4. What do you wish for in the future for the mental health community? +5. What do you think I really need to relay to other people who may be suffering from mental illness? + +Thank you. Hope to see some good responses.",Bipolar +45673,"Some tips to save $$ on Latuda I keep seeing a ton of posts about how expensive Latuda is for people and of course many posts about how helpful it has been. I must say for myself it has been helpful with the depression but its certainly not a fix all for me. So with that I wanted to share some tips of what I have encountered along the way with trying to afford and stay on this medication. There are some options or relief available. Not sure I'd call them solutions but instead kind of band-aids. Ultimately it wont get better until generics come out but from what I have read it doesn't look like the patent will run out till like 2026 or thereabouts. + + + +1. When you get the script from the doc make sure to ask about samples if they are not provided first off. I got lucky and I have to say I was on this med for probably a good 3 months just on samples alone. Perhaps my practice is a bit more forgiving on that front. I told them I had problems with getting the cost (which I did) so they gave me more samples to hold me over till payday. There were also times I ran out before the pharmacy could get an order in, and in which case they gave me samples to hold me over till I could get filled. + + +2. Get the discount card!!! It says pay as little as $15 which for me brought my cost down to $150. Not great but far less than what it was. [Latuda copay Assistant](https://secure.latuda.com/secure/latuda-savings.cfm) + + +3. Check if you have a preauthorization requirement for this drug. Unfortunately this might require you to call your insurance company directly. Some pharmacies might be able to tell you if its required. For me if my pdoc didnt submit a preauthorization the cost for me was near retail which is about $1300/US. + + +4. Check if you have a prescription deductible. I did and at the beginning of every year it renews. So I was surprised to find that my drug I was getting for $150 was now ringing up at $400. Sadly the only way past this is to pay it. But once paid, my cost was back down. + + +5. McKesson the company that provides the discount card will also provide you with two 14day supplies of latuda at no cost. That is right, **FREE**. Just today I got my second free 14day supply of latuda. Call them up at 1-855-5-LATUDA and you can speak to a rep to get this. They will provide you with the info that is used the same as another discount card. + + +6. Lastly I was told of another option they have available where they will supposedly try to negotiate a lower cost with the insurance company. I'm not sure what kind of success rate there is with this as I have not yet attempted to go this route. This will be my last ditch effort before telling doc its too much and have to find something else. In order to do this you would call the same number above 1-855-5-LATUDA and inquire talk to someone about what options are available and perhaps inquire specifically about negotiating how much the insurance cost/pay. I only found out about this one as my insurance is always rejected with the card so I called the card company to sort it out and was somehow transferred to a rep that informed me this is what her department did, before transferring me to another. + + +Anwyays, hope this helps some of you. The preauthorization and deductible points should apply to all medications and is something to consider. Its possible that the other solutions might work with other medications as well if they are cost prohibitive. + + +Edit: Looks like the patent does expire on July 2 2018. So perhaps there is hope for a generic sooner than later.",Bipolar +49768,Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is the best representation of BP This film really triggered my anxiety in the theater because of its accurate representation of a panic attack. But the real kicker for me is how Puss looks at himself in his previous 8 lives compared to his 9th one. I feel like that is a perfect representation of my mania to now my first real depressive episode I have had. I also just received my diagnosis and it’s hits me so hard because it’s like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I feel just like Puss… anyone else feel this way about this movie?,Bipolar +45975,"How does lamictal help for you guys? Hi guys, I've just recently discovered that I believe I have bipolar ii disorder and I've started the process of getting treated. I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist which I will be seeing next month and in the meantime I've been researching medications. One particular one I've been interested in is lamictal. It seems perfect for me since I suffer more from bipolar depression as opposed to mania plus it doesn't seem to have as worrisome side effects as lithium. For those of you on lamictal, what kind of symptoms did you have in order for your doctor to prescribe it? And does it work well for you? ",Bipolar +50476,"A more recent one I did Although I don't exactly remember drawing it ha, I think I'm gonna try to get back on meds",Bipolar +50591,"I had the strangest feeling last night. Last night as I laid down to sleep and had my eyes closed, I had something that felt like a dream, but it was something that happened just before I feel asleep. I lucidly thinking about the experience as it was happening. + +I’ll start off with what I think it was. I think it was a new kind of suicidal ideation. + +I’m not religious at all, but this dreamlike feeling was full of images that felt like a type of beautiful afterlife, like a heaven or something. It was sweeping land and seascapes that looked like something off of an Asia album cover. Everything was iridescent. And I was flying high above it all loftily and effortlessly. It felt like the scenes from the Lost Boys when you see the vampires’ POV as they fly. + +It looked so real, and so perfect and peaceful, and I felt like it was calling me to it. I began to speak to it. I said, “please.. if this is it, please take me.” “Please take me away from this.” + +Usually if I have SI, it’s miserable and darkly depressing. + +It felt like the SI was being cunning and alluring this time.",Bipolar +50553,"I don't like making plans because I don't trust my future self's mental state Sorry if this has already been talked about a lot, but I just realized that this is why I don't like making plans too far out into the future. + +One of my friends recently asked me if I wanted to go to a concert in August. I love the musician, and I'm sure I'd enjoy the show. But my initial honest reaction was ""I don't even know who I'll be by then."" I didn't say that out loud, but it was a clarifying moment. Does anyone else have this issue? (Probably.) + +An added unwanted effect is that this makes me come across as flaky, disorganized, or unreliable -- and I'm not saying I'm definitively NOT those things. Bums me out, though. I can use a calendar app, I swear. I just do not know how I'll be feeling a month from now. And a bunch of my friends are very ""type A,"" so it sort of compounds the issue because they love having full calendars and planning hangs weeks in advance. (Dorks.) + +Anyway, I think I'll buy tickets to this thing even if I don't end up being able to go. It's just annoying I have to incorporate this into my decision-making. I can barely RSVP to weddings with any degree of confidence. That's all. Thanks. + +*Edit: Thanks for the comments, everyone. Helped me feel less alone about it.",Bipolar +50561,"There are ups and there are downs- weather changes? So yesterday I was feeling manic. (it was a warm, sunny day) +I even got a new learning obsession. +And today I woke up... like meh. And I am feeling sleepy even though I have slept for 10 hours. +Also because I didnt respond on yesterday’s evening to somebody when I felt like I should and now everything is not the way it should be (my ocd) +I might actually deserve all of this.",Bipolar +49707,"Different types of mania Maybe this is just me, but I’ve noticed two types of mania I experience that I’ve dubbed ‘empty’ mania and ‘full’ mania. + +‘Empty’ mania (which I’m currently in, in case this is illegible) is like I’m floating and everything’s hilarious and but I also begin to dissociate and question whether I’m real/anything around me is real. + +‘Full’ mania is like my body is too heavy and too alive, and I’m too irritable to socialize with most people without snapping at them, and it’s almost like my body is too big for my skin, if that makes sense, and I feel everyone’s eyes staring into my too-big body. + +Again, maybe that’s just me, but it’s helped me be able to better track my moods like this.",Bipolar +46112,"Dating someone with depression, I myself have bipolar. He is struggling, swears it doesn't have to do with me, and that he just wants time alone. I hit a low point today. My SO has been struggling a bit lately, I have noticed it when we are together. This morning he finally said he just wants time alone, but the anxiety in me worries that I did something wrong, which has caused me to hit a BIG low. He said it doesn't have to do with me, but I don't know entirely if I believe him (anxiety again). + +I am respecting his decision and told him to contact me when he is ready, but I cannot seem to rebound from this intense low feeling. I just want to cry, mainly because I feel a lack of control. Please help. ",Bipolar +47050,Opinions: Stopping Abilify I'm on Abilify only and it's been keeping me stable for a few weeks but I think I've been feeling more irritable and starting fights more. I want to stop taking it. Is there any withdrawal symptoms that will make this unbearable? I see my psych on Friday and will tell them I want to get off it.,Bipolar +46116,"Increased sex drive while manic I've been manic constantly for the past week and my sex drive has been out of control. To the point where my fiance has had to tell me to stop touching her. Not because it's uncomfortable, just that she has had enough intimacy and isn't interested in physical contact of the sexual nature. + +In the past when I've been manic I avoid physical contact all together. I just don't like touching people or being touched. I don't know what it is about this time around but I'm always interested in sexual contact with my significant other. + +Anyone else had this experience with randomly having an increased sex drive during a manic phase?",Bipolar +45989,"Have been taking Lexapro 10mg for past 4 days. Feeling like my depression is gone since yesterday. Not sure if it's Lexapro or if it might be a hypomanic or a manic phase.(X-post from r/depression) I'm not sure if cross-posting is allowed. Here is the [link to my original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/87a00b/have_been_taking_lexapro_10mg_for_past_4_days/) on r/depression. + +**TL;DR** Not sure what type of depressive disorder(PDD, Smiling Depression, SAD, Cyclothymia or Bipolar 2) I have. My psychiatrist started me Lexapro 10mg and based on how it goes, he said we could try switching to mood support meds. I've been taking Lexapro since Thursday and I've been feeling like my depression is gone since yesterday. I'm worried I might be in a hypomanic or a manic phase(got told by my psychiatrist that Lexapro elevates the mania and asked me not to take it if I'm in a hypomanic or manic phase). + + +I met my psychiatrist last Thursday and we talked about my depression. I've always had ups and downs in my life for a few years. But I always thought it was because of my actions that caused then and not the other way around. I'm still not sure what type of depressive disorder I have. Since I had like 2 weeks time before my appointment, I did a bit of research reading about the depression types and how each of them is different in their own way. So I told my psychiatrist that I wasn't sure if had the persistent depressive disorder, seasonal affective depression, smiling depression or Cyclothymia(aka bipolar lite). + + +When I was doing my research and if there was something relatable to me or if something similar has happened to me before, I noted them down as a list. We talked about how I identified that I was depressed and all the points on the list. Then he told me that even he wasn't sure if I had Dysthymia, smiling depression, bipolar 2, or cyclothymia. So as a general procedure, he said that he is going to prescribe me meds to help with depression and if it doesn't work, he is going to prescribe me mood support meds for cyclothymia or bipolar 2. + + +He prescribed Lexapro 10mg to take every morning and asked me to get back to him in 2 weeks about how the meds were working. He also warned me not to take Lexapro if I feel like I have a hypomanic or a manic phase as it might elevate the mania. + + +I've been taking Lexapro since Thursday and I've been feeling like I'm not depressed since yesterday. I was not sure if it's my hypomanic phase and I didn't take my meds today. + + +So these were the differences that I noticed in me yesterday compared to the day before: + + +* I feel fresh, more energetic, and I feel like I got back my motivation to do things. +* I've been procrastinating to buy my vitamins for a week and I ordered them yesterday (I still have vitamins for the next couple of days) +* I smoked close to double the number of cigarettes than I did during the past few days +* I was clenching my jaw more than usual and today morning, I had a little pain in my enamel +* I've been hitting my bed at 12ish and could sleep only by around 4 or 5 in the morning and I slept for around 4 hours for the past couple of weeks. I started using melatonin for last week and it helped me get to sleep by 12. I used to sleep for 10 to 11 hours on melatonin. But last night, I didn't take melatonin. I went to bed at 12 and slept in a few mins, and woke up at approx 8. +* I planned my family's trip to the US (have been wanting to do this for weeks) +* I could never stay interested in a single topic for more than 10 mins max. I watched the entire Dota 2 loregasm playlist by SirActionSlacks. It has 12 videos and it took around 3.5 hours to finish. I watched the whole thing without any break. +* I completed the tax return process on Sprintax. I still have to take a printout and mail it, but I got my w2 and access to Sprintax like more than a month ago and I've been procrastinating to finish it. +* Finally, I usually don't write this long posts if I'm not on Adderall (diagnosed with ADHD), but I'm not on Adderall now. + + + +I want to wait a couple of days to talk to my psychiatrist about this. Before that, I just wanted to make sure if it's Lexapro or a hypomanic or manic phase.",Bipolar +46363,"Depakote + weed? I honestly haven't smoked weed since I started taking meds (125mg Depakote, 3x / day), so I have no experience with mixing the two. Leading up to my diagnosis I was honestly smoking weed way too much and just kind of self medicating my problems in a way that wasn't particularly constructive with a lot of weed and alcohol. + +But okay, that said, I am capable of moderation - I can do a glass of wine here or there without totally flying off the handle, and I have done so while taking my Depakote with no noticeable differences (and I was on a much higher dose at one point while doing so). What I haven't tried, since meds, is weed. + +This is not the type of question I feel comfortable asking a doctor since weed is still very, very illegal where I live LOL and I am aware redditors can not dispense reliable medical advice (and I am also aware that it is not allowed on this sub). Luckily, I'm not looking for advice - I'm looking for personal experiences. + +I am curious if anyone else has EXPERIENCE mixing depakote and weed? Did it make it more sedating? Did it make you paranoid or jittery? Was everything exactly the same? Is depakote and the occasional, rare high any more dangerous than depakote and the occasional, rare glass of wine or beer?",Bipolar +46993,"Is this hallucination? (Small something crawling in the floor) I see something crawling on the floor in my peripheral vision but when i start looking at it directly it just vanish. + +Bipolar 1 + +Current state: + +1. Alone for almost 2 years now +2. 18 years old +3. I left my friends and no familly support +4. Hopeless +5. Close to suicide. ( i'm not sad. I just know that i have to.) +6. I stopped drinking my meds and going to the doctor because i cant afford it. +7. Am i depress? Manic? Idk and i dont care anymore. +8. Dropped out of highschool but i still love learning different field of subjects. +9. Painful intrusive memories and thoughts 24/7 +10. I cant focus at anything anymore +11. Its harder for me to read and comprehend +12. I can't think properly anymore +13. I only listen to soundtracks, classical music and watch films and tvseries. And also surf reddit and youtube everyday on repeat. +14. I'm afraid and no enough energy to get out and interact with people. +15. I'm always anxious. +16. Sleeping schedule is a mess. (Avg. 5 hrs a day) +17. My family doesn't believe or ignorant on mental illness. + + +I dont want to go the doctor anymore because whats the point. I just want to know if i am heading to psychosis. + +Thank you.",Bipolar +46092,"Is it possible to go manic while still on meds? I believe I was beginning to get hypomanic and the sleep problems and agitation had started again. I just got back on abilify low dose 5mg after two or three months off... +I was wondering if the meds will completely end the manic episode, or if it will just be less severe. I definetely don’t want to end up manic as I do stupid things, but at the same time I honestly miss having that energy and enthusiasm about life. ",Bipolar +46370,"feeling down trigger warning: talks about grief and mourning + +Hi everyone! I thought I'd check in though I haven't been all that active in this community recently. By all accounts I'm doing pretty well- I'm successful in my job and have settled into the city I've moved to for about a year. Starting to form some social connections and am in therapy. It's been 1 year since my last hospital visit and my symptoms are really going down. I also started following one of my passions and started writing a book about my mental health experiences. + +what I want to chat about is how you all keep it together when life throws you some shitty stuff? My grandma passed away recently, and my family is still dealing with stuff about her passing. We were very close and I hadn't seen her in about a year since I live on the other side of the country. I ended up not going to the funeral but shared some memories that my family read. I won't get into details here but we may also sell one of her properties that was very meaningful to me growing up. Her passing also caused some tension in our family, which I'm not personally involved in but still feels stressful. + +Then, totally out of the blue, another person I didn't know well but who worked with me also passed away. I can't help feeling regret about not talking to this person more, and wish that I had spent more time to do that. Actually, I'm feeling that about my grandma as well. Looking for any suggestions about how to keep it positive when you're dealing with tough stuff like this? I feel a lot of regret and sadness about not spending more time with these people. I also feel a little bit of disillusionment and a little hopeless just generally thinking about how our time on earth is limited. It's also wintertime, so I think that's contributing too. Has anyone been dealing with anything similar, or gotten through something like this?",Bipolar +46497,"Rapid cycling? Need help I am a 38yo female. My pdoc says I rapid cycle. Because I was untreated for 20+ years, my bipolar cycles have gotten shorter and shorter as I've aged. Now a cycle lasts 3, maybe 4 days. + +I'm on Abilify and Lamictal. Have been for almost a year. I still have little baby cycles, but lately my depression is really hitting me hard. It's weird, I'm deeply depressed but have energy to get out of bed, go to class, socialize, etc. I guess that is thanks to my medication. + +I am really becoming discouraged and hopeless. I'm having intrusive thoughts of suicide just because I am sick of being stuck in this endless loop of misery. And now I don't even get the hypomania to look forward to. I have often thought about how easy it would be to hang myself and just be done with it all. I'm NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF but I can't get this idea that I should out of my head. + +I do go to therapy which I do not find helpful as of late and my next pdoc appt is next week. I'm worried that my doctor will want to commit me if I admit how awful I'm feeling. I've never been committed and if I was, I'd fail out of my classes which would just be more fucking depressing. + +If anyone has words if encouragement or anything to help me out I'd really, really appreciate it. I feel very alone right now. I just need some relief.",Bipolar +46732,"Peaks and Valleys My dad was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. It was pretty sudden. Just months prior he appeared to be in solid health. I was living about 4 states away over the past 19 years. When I found out what was going on, I decided to move as close as I could to my parents. I'm only 3 hours away now (I would be closer but my company doesn't have operations any closer than where I'm at... Changing jobs is not an option for me at the moment). He's experiencing delirium and is in pretty bad shape. My family (wife and 2 young beautiful daughters) are still back at ""home"" until the kids finish school and they're all moving up. We're in the process of listing the house and all that fun stuff too. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay at my sister and brother in law's home, rent free - they wouldn't accept any money. So I cook for them, make sure to buy my own groceries, buy some for them, help out around the house, etc. So, all in all, I'm in about as comfortable a spot that I could ask for under the otherwise shitty circumstances. Sorry about the long windedness... But I guess I'm stuck in a bit of an ""episode."" It's understandable under these circumstances, but I don't think I've behaved like this before. This is the second night in a row that I may not go to sleep. It's 4:44; I get up in an hour. Other days, I've not be able to get out of bed even when I when I went to sleep early. I've been sometimes sleeping till late in the afternoon, barely mustering the energy to shower, super low energy, depressed, etc... I've definitely experienced all of those symptoms in my time, but not this intertwined. These days seem to be in a completely random order and far too many. Anyway, I do know about hypomania, I do take my meds, I do therapy as well - intermittently. I'm not in therapy currently. I don't even think I want answers or explanations; I just want to bitch. ",Bipolar +46344,"Does your depression start similar to this- Hi all, so I think I have been misdiagnosed as ""just"" depression. I have a serious question: can you be basically feeling okay and just one thing starts the downward spiral? I was good over the holidays and then my daughter canceled our New Years Days plans-it seriously started me on a suicidal depression. Then I somehow pulled myself out and three days ago my son got annoyed with me asking him if he knew where his brother was...(no fight or anything-just annoyance in his answer to me). Then I went down again- this time is worse. Actually have wondered about hospitalization. The ONLY THING I am functioning at is my job-cause I have to. If BP is chemical is it impossible to be set off by one little thing? Thanks ahead for your answers.",Bipolar +46605,"Can cold meds make you manic? Pressurized speech, feeling wired, more friendly and talkative than usual, irritable, mild euphoria, etc. All from some alkaseltzer sinus meds?? I took an (unprescribed) ativan last night to get me to sleep but can cold meds really induce a hypo/mania? I'm taking more today. Damn, I love the feeling. ",Bipolar +46822,"Wellbutrin making me suicidal? I am a bipolar 18 year old and I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 11, but until a few months ago i was thought to just have severe unipolar depression. I went on 300mg of Effexor, which worked wonders for my depression, but made me extremely manic. I went off of it and was on nothing for a month after the initial Effexor withdrawal (which is not fun). Last week I got put on 150mg of Wellbutrin (bupropion) and 12.5mg of lamictal (although I’m eventually gonna increase to 25mg) and ever since the first day of starting this my suicidal thoughts have been through the roof. I’m still waiting it out to see if things will get better but I keep getting worse every day. I can’t tell if it’s the medicine or just my life that’s making me feel this way, since it’s been pretty awful lately, I have absolutely no friends at all, my dad is dying, I may have a permanent STD, I get harassed by men almost on a daily basis, I either get terrible nightmares and sleep paralysis every night or I just don’t sleep, I can’t leave my dorm without getting extremely irritated by everyone because I can’t stand noise, I’m always in constant fear that I’m gonna gain weight, and more. I’m scared to switch medications because 1) I’m tired of them just making me worse and 2) I know a lot of antidepressants, especially the ones used to treat bipolar, cause weight gain and I absolutely cannot have that because I know it sounds stupid and shallow but I’m conventionally attractive and thin and that’s literally the only thing that brings me comfort and keeps me going. Should I just stay on Wellbutrin and wait it out?",Bipolar +47063,"What do you think? I have a question: + +If someone did horrible things while manic: + +Cheating on spouse, sleeping with prostitutes, breaking up your family, verbal/mental/physical abuse + +Should they be responsible for their actions? What if they didn’t have insight that their disease caused them to behave so abnormally? + +My husband was recently diagnosed as having bpd w psychotic features. For the past year he’s made my life a living hell. + +He’s currently still unstable and delusional. He’s been on treatment w antipsychotics for 3 weeks (almost 4) but delusions are still present. His delusions were all centered around me being unfaithful. This lead him to act extremely abnormal as a result. + +I wonder what will happen if he ever gains insight, is it possible to recognize how his thinking has been ? For any or you who have experienced delusions firsthand, were you able to look back after the fact and realize your thoughts were not consistent with reality? + +Because he thinks/thought I was unfaithful he searched for endless women on dating sites and hook up apps (while he was manic/hyper sexual) He’s now involved with another woman, and told her he’s never been married and doesn’t have children. + +I know if he were stable, he never would’ve behaved this way. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to help! + + +Please advise! + +Thanks everyone!",Bipolar +45820,"Bad decisions. 32 M. BP1. I am in this viscous cycle of being depressed and wanting to alleviate those feelings. The easiest way is through deviant sexual stuff. I’m happily married with a great family but it’s like I have to escape from the current situation of feeling horrible. Chatting w people online or attempting to chat w people is about the only thing that feels good. + +Then, when I’m manic, I can’t get enough and start doing the same stuff online. + +Then I feel super shitty about it a couple days/hours later and delete everything and stay away from it for a while. Only to be brought right back to the same place. + +Anyone else suffer from this sick circle?",Bipolar +50566,"do we experience every single emotion stronger than others? i just saw something that really affected me and emotion consumed me. i immediately wanted to harm myself. + +are all our emotions stronger than others? or am i dramatic and only experience clinically strong emotions in episodes?",Bipolar +45569,Electroconvulsive Therapy? Has anyone tried electroshock therapy? Thoughts. I'm getting desperate about beating this depression.,Bipolar +45473,"Mania So everything I've read about bipolar I and II says that most people's mania is periods of high energy and productivity to the point where they might not even sleep bc they're doing things like crazy. I'm diagnosed with bipolar, but I've never experienced that. My downs are major depression and I have suicidal thoughts a lot, but when I'm not depressed I'm angry. Like I'm so pissed off at everything, and the slightest tiny thing could trigger it and make me so mad for an hour or so, and then I'll be back to normal, or back to being depressed. Or, I'll have a couple days or a week where I'm really pissed off and snapping at everyone around me, and then it'll go away and I'll be depressed again. + +I've never felt that ""on top of the world"" kind of feeling that I've read about on Reddit and in doing research about bipolar. It's always anger or depression for me. ",Bipolar +45987,"Medication Frustration (Triiger warning- mentions suicide and ED) long I am new here (36 f) and have commented some, but this is my first post. +I started a little over four years ago to try and find some relief from all the bad things going on in my mind. The only other time I had been to a Dr to help with my ongoing mental issues was when I was 22 and in college. A GP prescribed me Zoloft and up the dosage a couple times and then basically didn't schedule any follow up appointments. I basically went full out party mode and made terrible decisions, lacked impulse control, and was hyper sexual and engaged in a lot of risky behavior that I am still embarrassed about even today. I eventually stopped taking the zoloft after about a year because my ex found out I was taking it and he said I had no right to be depressed because my life wasn't that bad(he was very emotionally abusive). + My father was bipolar and we lost him to suicide and my sister is also bipolar. I had no idea that antidepressants alone could trigger a hypomanic/manic episode in some one with bipolar. +I knew that there was always something not right with me, I would have terrible bouts of depression. I attempted suicide at 14, luckily it didn't work, I just screwed up my stomach and I never told my parents. My family never talked about emotions. I didn't even know my dad was bipolar until after his death. My mom said he never believed it and refused to take medication for bipolar. +Fast forward to about four years ago, I break down and tell my husband that I can't take it anymore and need help. I never admitted it to him, but I had a plan for suicide and it scared the shit out of me. On the outside my life seemed great, married to my husband who is amazing and the love of my life, we have two healthy kids(I also have an older children from my previous relationship), and I am a stay at home mom (which is something I really wanted). I had extreme anxiety and depression though. I started seeing a therapist who eventually said I needed to see a psychiatrist because I most likely needed meds because my issues were not going to be resolved with therapy alone. I started meds and did an inpatient program for Eating Disorders because I had an existing ED and felt myself falling back into old, bad habits in order to deal with my anxiety. The ED treatment was great, but my depression and anxiety were still out of control. +I told my psychiatrist back my past with zoloft(I was finally realizing my behavior while taking it was probably caused by being on it alone). We tried a few antidepressants and they all made me feel irritable or angry. My Dr then starts adding mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to the mix. I look up more on bipolar disorder and start to think that maybe what's wrong with me, especially with my family history. I ask my Dr if she thinks I am bipolar and she says no because I don't have any type of hypomanic/manic episode and says she changed my diagnosis to mood disorder. We try a bunch of different combos, either they don't work or the side effects are so bad I can't handle them. All things she is prescribing me is medication for bipolar disorder. After three years she then starts prescribing me things I already tried and didn't work the first time. I got a new Dr. +The new Dr asks right away if my old Dr thought I was bipolar after I give her the list of meds I have already tried. I see her a couple times and she says she thinks I am bipolar and my extreme attacks of anxiety that come along with not sleeping and being paranoid and suicidal are episodes of dsyphoric hypomania. I am now on my third med change with this Dr. All together I have been on 30 different meds in a little over 4 years. I am so frustrated. I am always med compliant, I really want something to work. I was just on Fetzima and lamotrigine. I am so irritable and can't sleep. So my Dr took me off the Fetzima because she thought it was what was causing me problems, I think it might be the lamotrigine. She said it was unlikely, but I had the same trouble with Vraylar and Rexulti. I am now on the lamotrigine, oxcarbazepine, and mitrazapine. It's been a week off Fetzima and I am still extremely irritable and not sleeping well. +Sorry about the life story. I am just so frustrated and want something to work, but I feel like I am starting to run out of options.",Bipolar +46741,"Obligatory “just got diagnosed” post. Hey y’all, I’m a 20 year old college student and the title explains it all. + +My mother is diagnosed with bipolar (but in denial) and I just remembered yesterday it runs in my dad’s family too, so genetically speaking I probably never stood a chance, lmao. I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and self harm, and was told i’m Bipolar 1 with mixed features. Im on Depakote & Seroquel, and am doing tons better. + +I probably won’t post much, but I just wanted to say hello :)",Bipolar +46908,"Inspired by the other post: lamictal solo treatment? In the last 1.5 years I’ve taken a ton of medications, Wellbutrin, adderall, abilify, seroquel, Zoloft, gabapentin, propranolol, hydroxozine are a few. I spent 2 weeks in a hospital last May for a mixed episode. For the majority of that time my main mix was lithium, lamictal, and latuda. After months of tapering (mostly due to weight gain and acne side effects), I’m down to just 250 mg latuda (with Xanax/Ativan as needed). Does anyone have experience with being only on lamictal? After being told my some doctors that my bipolar will never be able to be treated with one medication, I’ve been a bit nervous about this ",Bipolar +46939,"I don’t care to improve any aspect of my life. Can’t solve any kind of problem. I feel hopeless, nothing is interesting. But still go every day to class at university and other tasks. Seems like I am going by routine, not questioning anything at all and making no effort at all. +I want to have a boyfriend but can’t think of looking for one and I’m not responsive. +For example, it’s been a month since the bathroom’s lighting stopped working. I don’t care to fix it, I haven’t even called anyone to fix it. +Is this depression? I’m 30 years old and I think I’m too old now and it’s worthless to try having a better life. +So, yes it is depression, a new kind of depression I’ve never experienced. ",Bipolar +50506,"Do you guys ever get stuck in “quiet mode” I’ve noticed in moments of high emotional stress I start to become unable to speak, words are flowing through my head and I feel stuck and just can’t get myself to open my mouth to speak, sometimes I am just like that until I’m able to force myself to speak again, but I’ve noticed it’s been getting really bad recently in my current relationship and I’m looking to see if this is a common problem for bipolar or if it’s something else causing it",Bipolar +49677,"Psychosis Does anyone else experience psychosis? i heard it was a symptom of Bipolar disorder but the link between psychosis and bipolar is only when a person is manic +I experience psychosis in both ways but mostly when im depressive states, is it normally a part of bipolar or is that an another issue altogether",Bipolar +45885,"Did xanthan gum make me go manic? Confused.... Can anyone relate to this? I was on a really strict diet, off dairy, gluten, not eating anything processed, and feeling pretty stable. I was even sleeping well. + +Then someone brought me a treat, these gluten free cookies and chocolate soy milk. I ate the cookies, and as time progressed, started to feel more unstable. Like unpleasantly stimulated, unfocused, bloated, and I was up all night with insomnia and strange sensations going on in my body. I then read the ingredients on the cookies, and it contained xanthan gum, and tapioca starch, and I decided to be cautious about those ingredients, and didn't have any more cookies. + +I didn't however read the ingredients on the chocolate soy milk, which turned out to also have xanthan gum. I kept drinking this for three days, and my insomnia became steadily more severe, and I started having to rely on sedatives again to sleep. My mood was also elevating, and it became harder to focus on anything. I was feeling insanely promiscuous :S Then by day four, my anxiety and panic skyrocketed. I ended up getting SO desperate, feeling hyper social and feeling so needy and vulnerable and afraid that it made me reckless, making dangerous plans, needing to meet up with any man or else I was convinced I'd die. I NEEDED someone to hold me OR ELSE.... Almost got myself in some trouble, and was NOT thinking at all. Thankfully I managed to stay in the house, and not act, mostly because my family came back early and I could no longer have any strange men from the internet over........ + +Anyway, since I stopped drinking that chocolate milk, I still have anxiety but am finally feeling a bit... more settled...... I'm back to being my introverted self again, and not wanting to socialize at all, and am just thankful that nothing really bad happened. + +I'm just confused about WHY that happened to me. Also, during that whole time, I was horribly bloated. + +Can anyone relate to anything like this? + +I'm confused and feel alone in this. And this isn't something anyone else really understands. + +If you read the comments here, you'll find a lot of people have had puzzling reactions to this ingredient, and insomnia is a common response: + +https://chriskresser.com/harmful-or-harmless-xanthan-gum/",Bipolar +46382,"What did you wish you knew sooner? If you could go back and tell yourself (or someone newly dx) advice about living with BP that you wish you knew then, what would that be? + +I would say: + + Sometimes all you can do is endure an episode until it passes. It might not get better yet despite doing everything right to take care of yourself and that isn't failure. You're doing the work. + +Know what's at stake. Mental illness can take whatever it wants and never give it back. Your hopefulness and dedication can save you + +Gather at least one or two people you can tell when you're becoming unwell, with whom you can ""just be"". Whether that's a space to talk, a couch to lie on, monitor you, wellness check ins, people who know when to call your doctor or 911. + +be honest with care providers about how bad it is. Showing up well when you are not well is preventing you from getting necessary care. + +Some people won't stay in your life because of what happens when you're sick. It will hurt. This has nothing to do with your worthiness of love and care and connection. You're not bad. + +There will be terrible regrets for what you have done while unwell. One of the few ways I have found to heal is to dispel the crippling shame with whatever forgiveness and empathy. I will do right in the future. I am going to win. + +Of course... All of these come to me while I'm in remission and experiencing wellness. + +Thank you for reading. I'm hoping to learn from all of you who respond. +",Bipolar +46840,"Anyone train in a martial art? I was recently thinking of getting into wrestling or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, maybe kickboxing. Really anything to compete and get out some of my aggression. + +Have any of you found success on a similar path? ",Bipolar +49723,"I'm starting my bachelor thesis on Monday and I'm already freaking out due to some technical trouble on the school's part. How do I get through this? Like the title said, I'm starting work on my thesis Monday. However, my school platform, where we have access to grading criteria, templates, general information about the whole thing, is currently having technical issues and I can't access anything. My teacher said we'll look into it tomorrow, but I'm panicking. In a few hours, it'll be fixed, but it feels so far away. + +What if there's something wrong and I'm not registered? What if there's been a mistake and I can't start my thesis? I've already done all the preparation, I worked hard to get permission to do my research at a company I'm really eager to work for and I would die of shame if I had to contact them to tell them I wouldn't be able to do the work as planned. + +My thoughts are spiralling. It's almost midnight here and I'm too wound up to go to sleep, so I'll be exhausted tomorrow, even if I do manage to get some sleep. I'm terrified this will trigger an episode. + +I'm just so scared right now. + +How do I get through this? It's only 12 weeks left of my Bachelor's. What if I fall apart right before the finish line?",Bipolar +46148,"Invitation to complete an anonymous online research survey regarding mental health treatment preferences Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete. Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest. + +https://wmichcas.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_afS6lEMGYYG0JjT + +Project Title: Treatment preference, retention, and treatment outcome at a university-based outpatient psychology clinic Principle Investigator: Scott Gaynor, Ph.D. Student Investigator: Chelsea Sage-Germain If you have any questions prior to or during the study, you may contact Chelsea Sage-Germain, M.A. at Chelsea.e.sage@wmich.edu or (269) 387-4497 or Dr. Scott Gaynor at (269) 387-4482. You may also contact the Chair of Human Subjects Institutional Review Board at 269-387-8293 or the vice president for research at 269-387-8298 with any concerns that you have.",Bipolar +46218,diagnosed later in life Has anyone else been diagnosed bipolar after the age of 35?,Bipolar +45888,"Prozac and periods? Also eczema? Has anyone taking this medication had side effects that caused them to spot brown/pink between periods? I'm getting anxious because I have been and this isn't at all normal for me. I've had HPV and a LEEP for CIN III so I'm worried that if it isn't the med causing it, that I have a bigger issue. + +Also, I have broken out in an eczema type rash on my face since beginning this med. I have tried hydrocortisone to get rid of it and it isn't helping. I've never in my life had eczema before. + +Are these potential side effects of this med? Should I call my Dr? I asked her about the face rash and she said she hadn't heard of it being a side effect before... This was a couple weeks ago before the spotting started. + +My period isn't due for another 7 days and it's normally like clockwork. Extremely predictable. ",Bipolar +46193,Accidentally double dosed on Lamictal? I am on 250mg per day of Lamictal for Bipolar 2. I thought I missed the dose I was supposed to take 12 hours ago so I took it now but I think I actually did take it this morning. Should I be worried? What should I do? ,Bipolar +46395,"What are red flags when seeing a psychiatrist? I am meeting with one and she prescribed me abilify +..during the appointment she told me the side effects were sleepiness (that's it) I went home and read up on how it can cause permanent tardive dyskinesia...is that a red flag if she doesnt tell me that?!? Hello I would never take this sh*t if she told me.. now I have to go back another appointment to get a different medication when I couldve done it the first time if she asked me. +I feel like I should switch. +What are signs that the psychiatrist is really bad for you guys??",Bipolar +47019,"Bipolar or just depressed? I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 17 (I'm 22 now) and used to have rapid cycling. In the past two months I lost my insurance and ran out of medication for a little more than a month, but I haven't noticed a difference between taking my medication or not. It seems like the pills didn't make a difference like they weren't working. The only thing I've noticed is being maybe a little more cranky and annoyed. Am I not bipolar anymore? + +Sorry for rambling it was a little hard to get all the words out.",Bipolar +46241,"Diagnosed w clinical depression, doc and brothers think I’m hypomanic..might present myself to a psych ward to get proper diagnosis/meds etc...also want to be taken this post is trash, I’m sleeping. I might have bipolar 2...It is 6.08am and I haven’t slept yet. I’m crying and sighing...I just want to escape. Nothing works to fill this void. Drugs, sex, religion.... + +Bipolar and extreme feelings of loneliness, someone cancel the I’m half asleep ",Bipolar +50434,"Vent: I just wasted 2/3’s of my savings during my 2nd manic episode, can anyone relate? Just so disappointed that I (25M) spent 2/3’s of my savings on bullshit. Mainly clothes, books and random items from local stores that I never use. I worked a lot of different jobs to earn that money since the beginning of college (7 years ago) and in a little less than 2 months most of it is gone. Can’t even afford to join my family on a vacation to visit my mothers homeland because it’s too expensive for me… And being consistent with a job while my meds are kicking my ass energy wise is extremely difficult. Just feeling down about my situation, I know it’s not forever but damn. Don’t wanna be another guy that’s just negative on this thread, so I hope whoever went through something similar like this will continue to have faith that things will get better and know you’re not alone in your experience. Stay strong guys 🖤",Bipolar +49718,"Saved a ton of water thanks to not showering due to depression I just got my annual bill and I used a fifth less water than previous years. Since November I've been showering very little. At one point it got so bad I wouldn't shower for 10 days, so yeah that saved a lot of water lol. Doesn't make up for all the money I spent during hypomania that came after, but it's still nice haha",Bipolar +46861,Having extreme manic bounces up and down... I’ve recently and utterly destroyed the love of my life and she walked out. Packed up and said her goodbyes a few days ago and I am just skyrocketing and plummeting. You know how bad manic episodes can get. Idk where I’m going with this. I can’t keep a train of thought. I don’t really have friends to talk to anymore. I don’t want to feel so lost anymore. I hate the darkness in me. I want to reflect and grow but how do I do that when I literally can’t keep my mind in one place long enough to work through my issues?,Bipolar +49590,"Why doesn’t my family understand? I don’t know how to get my family to see me for both the good and the bad. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for so many years, and I think so many of my family members just see me as a big failure. +I’m moving into a brand new apartment on May 1 and I’m trying to share this good news with others. I really thought my family would be more excited for me. +Truthfully, I was so depressed and out of control in my current apartment. I’m amazed sometimes that I’m still alive. I don’t know why my family can’t see that, and can’t see the real me. +I have a great therapist and am working on this in therapy, but just wanted to post here looking for a little input and support.",Bipolar +46281,"A minor adjustment to my meds. So I’ve been really lucky with meds and lifestyle changes being really successful for me. I have bipolar 2 and anxiety, I’ve been pretty much stable with little dips into mild depression for awhile. I was only taking gabapentin and Hydroxyzine. Gabapentin was the first mood stabilizer I ever tried, and it’s always kept my hypomania at bay and my anxiety dialed down a little. Hydroxyzine comes in for sleep and breakthrough anxiety. It works. I’m productive and mostly good. But the little dips into mild depression started to string together and I feared I might go into a deep depressive episode so I just told my doctor I want to add an SSRI. We’re trying Celexa right now. + +So I took it last night (she said some people prefer night, some morning) for the first time and couldn’t sleep very well. So I’m definitely going to switch to the morning from now on. I had a little stomach upset but not too bad. + +I slept less than I need to but I feel really good this morning. I’m still on my gabapentin and Hydroxyzine. And will go back to take just the hydroxyzines at night so I go back to sleeping normally. + +BUT, I don’t know if it’s too soon to tell, obviously it’s been like 12 hours, but this morning I got up feeling really optimistic and happy to start my day. Maybe this is placebo effect (although I’m usually skeptical that things will work) or maybe I’m just super lucky with things working on the first try. + +I don’t know. Just letting y’all know that I’m feeling optimistic and happy. I felt pretty good before, but let my doctor know even though I was stable, I was still struggling a little with depression and I’m hopefully this addition works out. ",Bipolar +50489,Bipolar Disorder And Sex I’ve finally been on medicine that works really well like I’ve had no manic modes or depression that I can tell. My only issue right now is that my brain focuses on other things and I want sex all the time. I really don’t know what to do about that. Masturbation seems to not work for me anymore at least not unless it’s in conjunction with my wife. She seems very one and done with sex where I can go longer and more. It doesn’t help that we only have sex or do something sexual once a week or less. So I am just not sure how to fix that or what to do to stop all these sexual needs that it feels like I have a lot.,Bipolar +49488,"Did everyone else get strip searched when they were sent to the mental hospital? Or went voluntarily ig. I didn’t. I felt like I was treated like a criminal I felt so violated. I wasn’t overweight I was fit at the time but it still felt so degrading. I remember liking how I looked as I took off my clothes and stood there. They just got all giggly and excited and said “ooh a blonde!“. After I literally hated my body I felt like it took everything sexual away from my body sorry tmi. I didn’t eat for 3 days after then binged on the worst hospital food. I wish I said no. It literally affected me a lot more than it should have but it was a week after I turned 18 so like it just felt weird to me. The age isn’t important it can feel weird to anyone idk im being salty. Idk it’s another late night and I can’t stop thinking about the mental hospital again even tho i was there almost a year ago :/. + + +I think about it less now tho which is good. Sorry I sound soooo grouchy I think everyone had to go thru this as well. Right?",Bipolar +50210,"Finally stabilized but... +I am finally stabile after half a year of searching for the right drug and dosage. However, what happens is that I feel that I do not function well verbally, I am too apathetic, asocial and in some situations it happens that I do not understand what people want to say to me or that I cannot express my thoughts (not always, but sometimes). Before the onset of the disorder, I was witty, more open to people, I expressed myself very well verbally, and some people considered me smart because of that trait. Now I feel that I am losing that quality and the question is how to solve these difficulties? What are your experiences with dialectical cognitive therapy?",Bipolar +50004,"Got diagnosed and am now spiraling So I found out I was bipolar by looking it up because it popped in my head one day and ADHD didn't explain everything. So I did that, realized it matched perfectly, talked to my psych, and it turned out he already thought I had a mood disorder but didn't know which one. I had never brought up the manic feelings I got where I'd just be really confident and happy for no reason, kind of like not giving a shit about what anyone thought and then having a million ideas, thinking how I'm gonna improve my life, also wasting a ton of money on games because in those moments my mind just goes do it who cares. I never told him about these feelings because I thought it was normal. I've always thought how I felt emotions was completely normal because I thought everyone had no control over them and because it was normal for me I had never known any difference. I know for a fact that I'm bipolar and I'm diagnosed but it still feels like pepple think I'm lying for no reason or like no one believes me. I'm not lying about how I feel and my symptoms but it feels like everyone thinks I am because what they say is how did no one find out about it until now. I never talked about it because I thought it was normal. I only started talking about it when I said I feel like only sometimes I'm lucid and other times I have no control over how I feel. Like it feels like I only swim to the surface once in a while and then I'm dragged back under into depression and mania, rapidly cycling between the two. It feels like after my diagnosis I started cycling more and more rapidly? Like I've kind of lost any semblance of control I had left I guess. Like I feel manic when I'm depressed or vice versa. It's scary because it feels like I'm having more frequent mood swings, like 3-4 times daily. I don't know if they're actually more frequent or I'm just realizing that I'm having mood swings because I never recognized them before. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I guess it's a cry for help? Idk I know that I'm manic right now and I'll probably think what the fuck later but it feels like what I should do right now. I'm so scared, I feel so out of control. I had to take a leave of absence from college. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm just at the whims of my emotions and I hate it. I'm so scared. Does anyone have any advice or support? It feels like my life is slowly spiraling out of control and I just don't know what to do anymore.",Bipolar +46472,"Reducing Lamotrigine While Manic? I've been manic since mid December. It's getting stronger and stronger. + +So I finally got to see psychiatrist today and told him all about the mania, the hyposexuality, the non stop, rapid thoughts, the fact that I'm sleeping between 3 and 5 hrs a night...all the good stuff. I went of lithium because it was making me super flat and lifeless. + +He wants me to reduce my lamotrigine. He said it might be what's making me go up and down (in the last week I've been quite depressed in the morning but it's gone by lunch time). + +Does this sound normal? I was really surprised that he wants to reduce the only mood stabiliser that I'm still on. Is it going to make the mania worse? Is it going to make me more susceptible to depression? + +Looking for personal experience and opinion, I know this isn't the place for med advice. ",Bipolar +50583,"Are you a mom? How is that going? I’d really love to hear from other women who have bipolar and went ahead with having kids. How is that going for you? Do you enjoy being a mom? Is it manageable? + +I’m a woman in my early 30s and got married last year. It feels like everyone around me is having babies and I’m really trying to figure out if I want one. I feel like I could be happy/sad either way. I just started listening to an audio book about trying to decide about kids and I had to turn it off because it was making me cry. + +My husband is sort of happy to go with whatever decision I make. I know nobody is “making” me make this decision, but I don’t want to hit 40 and just say oops guess I never did that. I really just want to make up my mind either way.",Bipolar +50543,"I can’t accept it I’ve been “diagnosed” bipolar 1 for 3 years now, I’m 31. I put diagnosed in quotes because I had to come to the conclusion to my therapist and doctor and they just put me on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. My aunt had bipolar 1 and is on disability. I just can’t accept it though, sometimes I get upset and have really bad days and sometimes I make a shit ton of art, I feel great, I’m cleaning like a mother fucker and I feel untouchable for a few days, when in a good mood I don’t have trouble sleeping but I can run off of 4 hours of sleep no prob. I know I crash though, I fall deep into depression and contemplate doing the worst. I’m off medications and I’ve been through 4 therapists because I end up hating them, I’ve been through 2 case managers because the first one was an idiot and wanted me to fill out paper work with her at a library which made me uncomfortable as hell. My second case manager (I’m on SMI) -Serious mental illness- under being approved by the state as such. So my second case manager didn’t get back to me for two weeks so I’m a rage I’m in the process of changing facilities to get services from, I have no friends. Absolutely none, I constantly fight with my boyfriend, he calls me a psychopath because I don’t feel empathy. I’m starting to think that there isn’t really any hope to get better for me. To be on medication for the rest of my life? On antipsychotics that make me fatso and feel like I’m passing out? Yay, sounds like a life worth living for sure. Lol. Therapy isn’t working, my last therapist tried to report me for being suicidal. And she never wanted to talk about my trauma, she instead would talk about herself and her wife. Ma’am I don’t care about you or your life. I’m the problem and people don’t want to deal with you when they find out your bipolar, that’s what I’ve learned. I can’t accept that I’m bipolar, something non my brain tells me I’m just broken from abuse. I don’t know anymore. I’m sober for 3 years and life is worse.",Bipolar +46764,"How do I ask for forgiveness? I [m34] had been treating what I thought was just depression for years. I had a long hypomania then crashed into depression hard. I got paranoid and delusional and asked some hurtful questions to my girlfriend at the time. She was really hurt and iced me out. I spiraled and was suicidal. I was coherent just enough and I made an emergency doctor appointment and was diagnosed bipolar. She ended up talking to me 5 days later. I tried to explain the diagnosis. she left me officially. Its been 3 weeks and I finaly am starting to feel stable. I don't know how to explain or ask for forgiveness. I can't make her take me back. I just wish there was a way to Express that it wasn't really me. It doenst feel like it was me. I feel sick that i hurt her and in my right mind would have never done that. I am trying so hard to be well, but how do I show her? I am desperately in love with her. I am at a loss. Maybe I can't. If i can't, how can I go on knowing that any setback in treatment can ruin everything and drive everyone away in seconds?",Bipolar +45533,A month’s sober ! I’m 31 days alcohol free! This is good especially as I am on Lithium as well as Keppra for epilepsy. Have any of you guys ever abused or even just drank alcohol while on your medication? How did that go? ,Bipolar +49847,"Had a terrifying episode last night Drank 3 beers. Decided that tonight was the night that I wanted to be confrontational with my partner. It escalated into me becoming fully psychotic. Disassociating. Walking into the water behind our house. Losing my phone there. +I'm afraid of who Ive become. +It's only been this bad about 2 times before. +Im consumed with guilt. I had two kids who heard me losing it. I'm devastated. Anxious. +My partner was able to calm me down towards the end. But at that point the doom was full throttle. The sinking. Drowning. Feeling incredibly out of place just by existing. +Woke up those morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. My eyes were so sore and bloodshot from crying for hours on end. +I don't know what to do anymore. .how do you come back from that? My kids do not know I'm bipolar but they are old enough I think to know (12&14)? +I'm too ashamed to tell them. +If anyone is in a similar place please feel free to share what keeps you going.",Bipolar +50070,"It feels like my meds are helping! I have been in such a bad depressive episode since I lost my last job. Like, rotting in bed bad. But I started lamictal in February and have been slowly working my way up, and I feel like as i’m working my way up i’m feeling better :-) I hope it’s not mania creeping up on me, thats always a worry of mine. I don’t particularly feel manic, still depressed but able to do chores and get a new job!",Bipolar +47058,"Bipolar and pregnant. Hey everyone, im a 20 year old in a bit of a tough and embarrassing situation. Ive been on medication for a couple years but i recently found out i was pregnant and don't really know what to do. My support system is very weak so if anyone has any words of advice or anything useful please message me, or comment and i can message you.",Bipolar +45803,Talk Space Have any of you tried it?,Bipolar +45406,"As a woman in my early twenties, how do I build my trust in men and confidence in romantic relationships? Just in need of some advice. I am finally doing quite well dealing with being bipolar II (diagnosed a year ago), but I am finding some issues that are making themselves more apparent as I lean back in to the dating scene. Not only do my mental health issues make me nervous going into a relationship, but I am noticing I have some real trust issues. + +My father was an alcoholic most of my life and was not present very often. I have not had many men in my life that I have been able to fully trust. I know where my trust problems come from, but I am having trouble working on these issues. Anytime I meet a new guy and things are great, as soon as they mention a good friend that is a girl, my stomach just drops and I begin wondering if I can trust them. + +My first serious boyfriend also ended up dating his “good friend” right after we broke up and I think that is kinda adding to this thought spiral. + +I guess I’m asking how can I come to terms with the fact that a guy could be unfaithful? Because of course I can never know for sure. How do I deal with that possibility without it making me push the person away out of fear? I get the worst feeling in my body just thinking about being in a relationship with someone and finding out that they secretly are very attracted to their friend that they just can’t be with for whatever reason. + +Please help:( I want to have a positive relationship in my life but I am getting in the way of that. ",Bipolar +49886,"When manic, do any of you have trouble reading body language, facial expressions or interpreting tone? I feel the root cause of this is paranoia caused by mania, at least in my case. + +I have experienced misinterpreting facial expressions, body language and tone whilst interacting with people, and tend to jump to conclusions, typically negative ones. + +For example, I was waiting in line for ice cream today, and the woman in front of me turned around, looked me up and down and then scoffed at me. + +I don’t know if this interaction actually happened like I perceived it. My initial feeling was this woman was judging me. + +This of course pissed me off, but instead of starting a fight with her, I decided to take a deep breath, left my place in line and walked the opposite direction. + +I decided the ice dream wasn’t worth possibly getting into an altercation with a stranger. + +Anyway, can anyone relate to this?",Bipolar +45798,"Depression Craving Mania a poem by me I try not to listen to my brain +Telling me to bring on the pain +It’s like living in constant rain +Maybe I just need a little cocaine +Anything to bring back my reign +Everything is just so plain +I question wether I’m sane +I’m stuck but not in chains +It’s more like I’m trapped in a train +Going nowhere driving me insane +It’s rather difficult to explain +Please just bring back my reign",Bipolar +49917,"casual insults from normals she isn't even really a normie, but she's close enough. + today after I shared details of my episode the advice given was *balance*. 😱 +no way. +you mean the thing I think about and obsess over allllll the time? the thing I guilt myself over and die over. 🤯 +I feel so invalidated, and I want to push this person as far away as possible.",Bipolar +46491,Anyone manic rn? I am it feels good af. Not doik g any drugs or anything just chilling tho,Bipolar +46613,"Do you know how to explain mania? I figured out over 10 years ago that I'm bipolar (runs in the fam) but wasn't officially diagnosed until 2015. + +I have so many different types of mania that it's extremely hard for my husband to know when I'm manic vs just 'me'. We're coming up on 12 years together but he still doesn't know how often I am manic and which version of myself I am most of the time. My most obvious mania episodes involve an excessive amount of energy, hyperactivity, very fast talking, increased sex drive, etc. However, I have a vast amount of different 'types' of manic episodes. + +I tried to explain to my husband that 75% of the time I'm in an episode but they don't look the same. He thinks I'm trying to use my bipolar disorder as an excuse. I was only trying to explain some of my symptoms. + +Does anyone know how to tell loved ones about all the different forms of mania in a simple to understand way?",Bipolar +50238,"Can you hear other voices in your head? I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around 4 months ago and since then I have been doing some research. + +I can hear a couple of voices in my head, they are always making fun of my choices or telling me jokes. I do not know any other people with bipolar disorder and sometimes I feel like i was miss diagnosed. + +Can you hear voices as well? + +Btw English is my second language please do not judge me hehe. + +Thanks in advance.",Bipolar +46186,"Depakote v Lamictal Two anticonvulsants, two lists of scary or unpleasant side effects, one sad man looking for relief. + +Lamictal has generally been great to me, but I think it might not be working anymore and increasing the dose makes me dumb as a post and a goldfish in terms of memory. + +Are similar things to be expected with depakote? I've heard about the weight gain but that's a gamble with 80% of these damn drugs. Is the relief comparable? It seems like L for me at least shortens depressive episodes, but does fuck-all to lessen the fall.",Bipolar +49976,I just need to vent. The past few weeks have been the worst I've ever felt. I'm a teacher and haven't been able to go to work for over two weeks now because the job is just too stressful and I can't deal. I've been seeking treatment for depression for years now with my bipolar ii diagnoses happening last September. No treatments have worked for me. All of them have made me feel even worse than before with short periods of respite in between. It's exhausting. I'm going on medical leave which means I won't be able to afford my own place anymore and have to move back in with my parents who thankfully have been very supportive but it still just sucks so much. I'm 33 and it feels like my life is going backward after working so hard to get just this far. One of my best friends who used to be extremely supportive of me just doesn't seem to care that much anymore about me and I've been dealing with that for months now. It's heartbreaking. I have other friends I can rely on but she was very special to me. I'm still learning how to move on from it but I just can't. I'm sick of waking up every morning feeling like shit. I want so badly for something to make me feel happy but nothing works. I wish giving up was an option.,Bipolar +46345,"This song gets me right in the feels. It has actually helped me get through some hard days. I want to share it in case it can help someone else. It doesn’t just push that, it’s ok! Try hard! Vibe. It’s a, fuck man this is hard. Keep fighting, vibe for me. + +I also think the song writer might be bipolar from the rest of the songs. So many just hit so close to home. + +[Stronger than Dead. Amigo the devil](https://youtu.be/J281bgTo_q0)",Bipolar +49538,AWARENESS DURING PSYCHOTIC MANIC EPISODE I have been wondering for a while how much self awareness do you people have during manic episode or is it nearly non existent because i don't mostly remember doing some stuff I must have done while i was manic but my friends and siblings always have video proofs of it.,Bipolar +46603,"Is having a routine bad? I’ve been through a very severe depression this winter. I was self harming and I ended up being suicidal and basically almost worthless as I couldn’t do anything but sit in bed and sleep. I had my meds adjusted 3 times, and once my pdoc added Seroquel to the mix, everything changed. I feel stable, I sleep well and wake up rested, I feel good overall. Not manic good, but normal good. +The problem is I developed a certain routine. +I do almost the same thing everyday. I can finally cook, clean the house, work and function like I’m supposed to. But I’m scared of anything that threatens to break my routine - like going out, having friends over, etc. I managed to stop taking naps, because I no longer feel mentally drained. It’s not about comfort zone, it’s just that I felt so bad, and I’ve been in such a dark place, that right now I’m happy to feel stable, something I haven’t felt in a long time. My previous manic episode was pretty bad too. +Is it wrong that I cling to my routine? I feel like I need this routine for now, until I feel I’m able to do other things too. Am I wrong?",Bipolar +50291,"Job Advice Does anyone have a job where they travel? I’ve been thinking of transitioning from a job where I travel around 10 counties to one in two states. There would be overnight travel for a couple days each week. I have a super stable government job now, but the new one would align more with my interests. I’m probably pushing the limits of my stability with this one…",Bipolar +46368,"Anyone else use domesticated rats as emotional support animals? I have bipolar and my partner has depression and PTSD. He has tried many of the strong antidepressants. Not much effect. He recalled that, when he was a child of 10, he had a pet rat whom he very much loved. A few days ago some extra money came our way and we decided to acquire two rats as pets for him (and, secondarily, for me). + +Bust my buttons! He has been engaged, task-oriented, energized, calm--all since the rat adoption. Today we got a third because--well, how could we resist. He has been playing with the rats, feeding them, tending to them, and just letting them ride in the hood of his sweatshirt. I have not seen him this euthymic and equable since August. + +Does anyone else have a similar story about rats as emotional support animals? Or emotional support animals that have had as dramatic an effect?",Bipolar +45868,"Realizations In a very bad depression now. And I don't know if it's the depression or what, but I'm am realizing most of my family and friends treat me like shit and really take me for granted. My husband, my kids, hell even my mom. Starting to realize my support system isn't that great. That only makes my depression worse!",Bipolar +49569,"i don’t get angry. can i still be bipolar? hello! i’m writing here because i’m not too sure where else to look. + +i have adhd, sensory processing disorder and an on the gifted spectrum. +recently i’ve been going to therapy for adhd, and a few weeks ago my psych brought up that i might have bipolar. i’ve done a lot of research and have talked a lot about it when her,and i definitely have bipolar. +im going to see a psychiatrist and try to get meds for it, but i wanted to see if anyone else is like this before i get it checked out. + +i do not experience intense anger. like… at all. +even before i started questioning if i had bipolar, i knew that i didn’t have the ability to get angry. +sure, i get irritated- but that’s only at my family members. in public i don’t display or even feel anger. + +maybe it’s because as a girl, any negative or ‘masculine’ emotion is seen as undesirable, but plenty of girls get angry. + + +i know not all people with bipolar experience aggressive behaviour, but i feel like i should at least be a little angry? i’m irritable at the most, and i feel like it’s the only trait of bipolar i DONT experience. +if anyone else feels a lack of anger, please let me know :)",Bipolar +45609,"Is this normal? I feel like I have a burning sensation in my chest and my head. I feel like I drank 3 cups of coffee, but also drank some wine. + +I am energetic, but sad. I am restless and I want to cry. I want to yell, hurt and tear into everyone and my impulses seem to be more in control than my logic. I can't focus, am floating. Impulsive, Anxious, Agitated, afraid, sad, paranoid, I am feeling everything at once. + +Most of all I want to find a hole and hide until it passes. + +No meds, don't drink coffee, don't drink alcohol. I have a hard time coping when this happens and it happens to varying degrees often. + +This is the worst one this year due to stress. + +I hate feeling like this. + +EDIT: FYI, not self diagnosing. I don't know how to cope with this. I didn't catch it in time, yelled/tore into my wife and now I feel even more depressed. ",Bipolar +50485,"Memory issues? I've seen so many posts on here about people having issues with long term memory and I was wondering if anyone has found a way to fix/improve this. I literally cannot remember anything and am constantly misplacing timelines and just straight up forgetting events that have happened. I hate it so much and I just want to fix it, I'm tired of everything being so hazy. It feels like it's getting worse too- I went in for a CT scan in December because my memory is so bad that my psychiatrist was concerned that it could be a potential brain tumor. I just want to feel normal again",Bipolar +45894,"Unstable bipolar people giving people with bipolar a bad name. I've made forays into dating and I've encountered people who've had bad experiences with unstable bipolar people. Whether it's because of being unmedicated or a comorbid mental illness such as borderline, these bipolar people have hurt others and left a bad impression of what people with the medical condition of bipolar are like. + +However, maybe the impression is justified in the sense that almost all people with bipolar bring unnecessary drama to mentally healthy people? + +When I was unmedicated, I know the mania caused trouble. And even medicated I still have some issues and understand that medication only lessens the frequency, duration, and severity of episodes and does not fully stop it. + +It makes me sad when I think that maybe no one good will love me because they can do so much better in the sense that they can find someone without bipolar and the baggage that I carry. ",Bipolar +50588,,Bipolar +49692,"Trust issues I’ve been researching trust issues and coping mechanisms and an article I read brought up bipolar disorder and how trust issues can be indicative of bipolar. I have a lovely partner but I can’t scrape it from me to trust him, no fault of his own. He has done nothing to betray my trust. How have you trusted healthy partners after the bad ones? Im trying very hard not to ruin this but alas I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.",Bipolar +45865,"I'm just not sure anymore Ive been subscribed to Bipolar Reddit for a couple of years now but this is the first time I've posted. I realized that I felt different from everyone around 14 or 15 years old and got a full diagnoses at 21. I take 10mg Trintellix every day to help stabilize, I have Bipolar II. I'm 24 years old. + +I use to be so sure of myself and now I just don't know anymore. I thought I was on the right track but when I begin to reflect I realize I feel I lost my way. + +I have a stable job, I'm in college, I have a girlfriend who lives with me, and I'm sober for the most part (no more hard drugs). I just feel so lost to the wind. I feel like I've let control go to life. Like I'm a plastic sack blowing around aimlessly. I feel like the things around me control my life more than I do. + +I know this is gonna just get buried in this sub but I needed to vent. I feel like I do everything the way I'm supposed to do but it just isn't enough. The best thing I've ever done or most perfect isn't good enough. Not for me or anyone else. I can't afford therapy plus I live in eastern Texas so therapy isn't very extensive in my area. + +I want to quit but I know I'm way to strong of a human being to do that. I only want to feel like I'm on the right track. I want to feel like I'm doing the right thing. I feel like I am sad but I can't exhibit the emotion. I just feel frustrated, anxious, and blank. I don't know what I want from posting this other than some else to try to understand because everyone else around me seems to not have a grasp on what I feel or I'm going through. + +I love you all that are going through anything difficult right now. Please know that you aren't alone. I suffer just like you. I'd love to talk to you if you'd like to talk. Just never give up because you aren't the only one. This sub has taught me I'm not alone. Thank you if you've made it this far. I just want to feel connected.",Bipolar +46977,"Weight gain on Seroquel So, I don't actually have Biopolar disorder, but I do have very bad depression, anxiety, and I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. As a result of all of these, my doctor prescribed me Seroquel. (Sorry if this doesn't belong here - I just noticed that a lot of questions about Seroquel are located in this sub). + +&#x200B; + +I have heard a number of stories now about how Seroquel has made people gain 15, 30, even up to 50 pounds! Everyone has said it causes them to have really bad cravings. I am already *very* self conscious about my weight, and currently sit at about 235lbs. I really do not want to gain any more (in fact, if by some rare chance I lost weight on Seroquel, that would be ideal), so I am trying to prep myself and my house before I start taking it. I plan on having my husband hide all of the snacks in our house so I cannot find them, and I'll be stocking up on veggies and fruit to eat. I'll also be taking it at night, close to bedtime, so I am hoping that will also help mitigate some of the cravings (I really don't think I'll be getting out of bed to eat...). + +&#x200B; + +Does this sound like I am doing the right thing? I mean, I'd love to lose weight in general, so if this did help with that in one way or another I'd count that as a success.",Bipolar +49859,"Spending / relationships At what point have you brought up the topic of impulsive spending with your partner? I’ve been with my partner for about a year and a half and we currently live together. I’m very open about BP and he’s supportive, but I can’t get myself to bring up the topic of finances. He knows I’ve struggled before from past manic episodes, but he doesn’t know the extent of the damage those did to my bank account. I struggle with feelings of shame and most of the time I would rather suffer in silence than let anyone know what’s going on behind the scenes. How do I tell someone that I’m in credit card debt (although not much rn thankfully) but I keep spending and making it worse? I feel like it’s trying to explain how addiction works to someone who’s never experienced it. I don’t want him to see me as irresponsible or look at me differently idk maybe I’m just in my head",Bipolar +47028,"How do you all keep up with cleaning while having bipolar disorder? So my brother works too much, my mother can barely move these days because of pain, and in the end, the cleaning often falls on the woman with bipolar disorder. + +I'm not too too torn up about it, because hey, I don't have a full time job, and sometimes it's fun. But predictably, some days I end up not being able to clean. And it gets messy, real fast---especially the dishes, which I hate doing, doubly so when I'm depressed. + +I was wondering if any of you have managed to figure out a system for cleaning that works alongside your bipolar disorder, not against it? I'd love some tips and advice.",Bipolar +45932,"Running out of meds to try I'm so jealous of people who've been on their meds for years and they work for them. I, however, can't find a med that works for me. It's been over 3 years and I've gone through pretty much every med out there. Some work for a bit and then stop. Some I have horrible side effects. Right now I stopped Zyprexa about 2 weeks ago because I gained 15 pounds in two weeks and that's a deal breaker for me. So now I have no clue what I'm going to take. I have to be medicated or else bad things happen. Not really sure if anyone can help, I'm just sort of ranting. ",Bipolar +49602,"Memory issues? I've seen so many posts on here about people having issues with long term memory and I was wondering if anyone has found a way to fix/improve this. I literally cannot remember anything and am constantly misplacing timelines and just straight up forgetting events that have happened. I hate it so much and I just want to fix it, I'm tired of everything being so hazy. It feels like it's getting worse too- I went in for a CT scan in December because my memory is so bad that my psychiatrist was concerned that it could be a potential brain tumor. I just want to feel normal again",Bipolar +46524,"Comorbid Anxiety? I sleep too much Hi guys, + +So it's been a very long time I've been here. Some good news: meds work, like work work. Took a year and a half to stabilize but Seroplex+lamictal+solian combo did a good job. I crashed a car in August and it was the last time I've been maniac since. + +But here it comes. These days I've been starting to think that hypomania was so intense and fun I feel like my life is so boring now. Plus I think I may have anxiety too. Lately I've been sleeping so much I can't even hear my alarms. I have trouble getting to sleep at night but I can sleep for hours at daytime although I had 10 hours sleep the night before. I get anxious when I have to meet friends or have a big party. I wake up a lot during the night. Monday I took 3 coffees during the morning and I had to get out of class cause I got stressed... + +What do you guys think? I'm meeting my psychiatrist on Saturday. + +And by the ways, thank you all for supporting me last year, it was so helpful there were many times I couldn't have been through it if you and my friends hadn't been here. ",Bipolar +50169,"Just no more emotions Maybe not none, but just stuck in depression and sadness or extreme anger. I don’t really react to most things… unless it pisses me off. Idk whats wrong with me but I have never felt like this for so long. Like a few days or a week maybe, but I have been like this for a month and its scary. + +I have 1 day left at work (I quit) so hopefully things can get better. My job is definitely a majority of my issues. But my brain and my own bs is out of control.. I’m “stable” on meds but not really feeling great as of late. I did talk to the psychiatrist and changed a dose on my lamictal but not really doing better. I also started therapy a few months back have made a good connection, and had good sessions. + +But I’m stuck. No matter what I do. Try to live life, stick to a schedule, stay tidy and organized, eat well, go to work, exercise, go to therapy, take my meds, do ketamine infusions. Literally I do it all and I am just stuck. And its not pleasant.",Bipolar +46384,"Will You Take Medications For The Rest of Your Life? It’s been 2 years since I was hospitalized for a manic/psychotic episode where I was diagnosed with bipolar. Over the course of 5 months post-hospitalization I tried a myriad of medical concoctions including lithium, abilify, latuda, and many others whose name I’ve since forgotten. Whether due to the depressive episode that came directly after my manic one or the terrible side effects I decided I would go off medications. + +So now it’s been 19 months since I’ve taken any medications. I’ve avoided drugs, alcohol, and other stressors. I make sure to sleep 8-10 hours a day, eat healthy, drink lots of water, workout, meditate, etc. and it seems like I’ve been stable. I still get occasional periods of depression which I easily ride out or bursts of hypomania which makes life easier however all delusions/serious effects have all but disappeared. + +I recognize however that can be an illusion and at any point, things can spin outside of my control. So recently I got a pdoc to write a prescription for Latuda, however, I haven’t picked up the medication yet because I’m starting to question whether I should get back on it. + +This is primarily because I feel like the effects of long-term medication use can have irreversible consequences on the brain. It doesn’t help that we have had 0 longitudinal studies showing the effects of staying on these medications for 20+ years (if there are, I'd love to see them!). So given that I’m currently stable, I am having a hard time convincing myself to start taking medications indefinitely. I understand some people cannot function without their medication, however, I’m lucky to not be part of that cohort (for now). + +Anyways I’m not advocating that anyone stop taking medications but I am curious how others view this topic, do you intend on sticking with medications for the rest of your life?",Bipolar +46698,"Supporting and promoting writing and poetry from the Bipolar community Hey there writers and poets of /r/BipolarReddit, + +I'm from a writers' resource website called [Winning Writers](https://winningwriters.com/). Part of our mission is to find and promote voices and themes underrepresented in publishing, including (but of course not limited to) racial, cultural, national, religious, gender/sexual identity, body positive, neurodiverse, and [dis]abled. We are interested primarily in the representation of the voices/themes in the poetry, rather than the identity of the writer. At this time of year we're offering two contests: + +[The Tom Howard/John H. Reid Fiction and Essay Contest]( https://winningwriters.com/our-contests/tom-howard-john-h-reid-fiction-essay-contest), with two first prizes of $2000 each, ten honorable mentions receiving $100 each, and the top twelve entries published online. The contest is international. The deadline is April 30. + +[The Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest](https://winningwriters.com/our-contests/wergle-flomp-humor-poetry-contest-free), with a first prize of $1000, a second prize of $250, and ten honorable mentions of $100 each. The top twelve entries will be published online. The contest is international and the deadline is April 1. + +Since I started doing outreach on Reddit last year we've received hundreds more entries featuring diverse characters and voices. We're working hard to increase the diversity of our entry pool and give good writers the exposure they deserve. I know /r/BipolarReddit isn't technically a ""writers' subreddit,"" but in the past some of our strongest entries have come from subs like this one, which ostensibly have nothing to do with writing. So, if you are a writer, please consider entering our contests. And if you know any writers, please consider passing this information on to them.",Bipolar +50601,"Saved a ton of water thanks to not showering due to depression I just got my annual bill and I used a fifth less water than previous years. Since November I've been showering very little. At one point it got so bad I wouldn't shower for 10 days, so yeah that saved a lot of water lol. Doesn't make up for all the money I spent during hypomania that came after, but it's still nice haha",Bipolar +46402,"The mixture I have bipolar type II, schizzoeffective disorder, adhd, and severe anxiety. I take depakote, lamotrigene, geodon for this, and hydroxizone for sleep. The hydroxizone does not work for sleep. Serequel and amatriptileye are too sedating the next morning. I am looking for suggestions on what to ask my psych. nurse for sleep. Do people recommend a psychiatrist as opposed to a nurse practitioner? I have not had much luck with nurse practitioners. I have been struggling with mania symptoms and panic attacks for a year now and have not found solutions. After my brother died in august I had a severe depressive episode that lasted from August until December and they would not put me on an antidepressant to pull me out. I was out of work from October to present because of this, and panic attacks that have been out of control, along with higher than normal blood pressure. This occurred when they put me on the lamotrigene. Higher anxiety and higher blood pressures. Any suggestions for all this mess?",Bipolar +49781,"Bye Bye Citalopram I’ve been on a roller coaster the last 9 months with medication. I had started to think I had been misdiagnosed based on how terrible I have felt despite lithium and an SSRI plus Seroquel at bed. I even scheduled a new psych for a second opinion in April. + +Then through some bad juggling and admin by my GP my citalopram prescription was cancelled instead of renewed. The pharmacist gave me a loner box of meds but it was a lower dose. + +Fast forward a month later and I’m still on the lower dose. Low and behold hallelujah I feel fantastically average. This ain’t no hypo and I’m definitely not depressed. Wow. I’m considering going to an even lower dose but my intake appointment is so close I feel like I should probably leave it for now. Woo!!",Bipolar +46268,"Psychosis or just anxiety? Recently I've been having this strong feeling that people around me can tell what I'm thinking, tell that I'm constantly thinking about killing myself. I feel like people are always looking at me with this mix of pity and disgust because they can tell I'm suicidal. It makes me feel really anxious about being out in public. I *know* it's not possible for people to hear my thoughts, but I can't shake the feeling that they can. + +This started happening a couple days ago, after I quit all my meds cold turkey about two weeks ago (I know, not smart). + +Could this be psychosis, or am I just anxious?",Bipolar +45890,"Disability with Bipolar Disorder I have a general question about being Bipolar in the work place. I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II about a year ago and I currently have a job but am looking for a new position. While filling out my apps there is a mandatory question where they ask if you have an kind of disability and Bipolar Disorder is on the list. I'm very hesitant about identifying myself with a disability. I was able to stay on my dad's insurance with a letter from my doctor but I'm not sure what applies for this. I'm really nervous about letting any of my employers know I am Bipolar. I'm pretty good at hiding my illness but I have depressive dips that last for a few months and they affect my work. I'm on medication but currently I've been having hormonal issues that I'm dealing with my gyno. I get very antisocial and irritable but I am afraid of my work trying to get rid of me if they knew. I know they technically they're not allowed to but I work in the Biotech industry and they can be very cutthroat. I don't want to not be hired for a job if I was upfront with being bipolar. I also do value my privacy and I don't want the whole world knowing about my illness. I was hoping someone out there has been dealing with this issue and can offer some advice. + +Thanks guys! ",Bipolar +45705,"I took a shower and it was glorious Since the beginning of December I've been struggling with a couple of manic episodes. As the month went on I noticed a spike in my anxiety, but it was around the holidays and I was able to get a handle on it for the most part with my Xanax prescription. After a negative experience with my father during the holidays, my anxiety only increased until by January I couldn't get a handle on it. It developed in to full blown paranoia. I was (and still somewhat am) convinced I was being watched, especially from the strip of woods behind my house. Every time my German Shepherd would let out a guard dog bark at the back door I would lose my shit. If I needed to go to the grocery store I would go either very early in the morning or very late at night when there would be virtually no one there. If I turned to go down and aisle and saw another person there, I was overcome with a sense of uncomfortable dread and would wait in hiding until I saw them leave the aisle and go elsewhere. + +This lasted me all of January and I shamefully only showered maybe two or three times from the beginning of December to the end of January. I kept my hair tied up and didn't brush it unless I was going to shower. My first shower since maybe all of January or at least the middle of it, and when I went to take my hair tie out it just kept getting more tangled. I had to have my fiancé cut it out of my hair, and when I tried to unwrap the bun it wasn't unwinding. I asked him to look at it and he was shocked and told me my hair was completely knotted together. Luckily he was able to untangle it without having to take scissors to it. And let me tell you, even with a detangler brush the layer of knots on top and underneath my hair were RUTHLESS. My hand cramped up during it and my eyes may have teared up a couple times but I got through it. Unfortunately, for the past week and a half I did not shower and did not brush my hair. Same results as far as my fiancé having to cut out another hair tie and unknot my hair, but that shower was HEAVENLY! I got the shampoo super lathery and just scrubbed every inch of my scalp. Then I let a deep conditioner sit while I washed my body and was able to do a second wash after I rinsed the conditioner and used my medicated body wash for my body acne (chest, back, and even upper arms!) I put all my products in my hair- about 8 totally I believe- and exfoliated my face and neck and put on a super moisturizing mask before doing my normal skincare routine. + +I'm going through a manic episode now, and was up all night but I was able to take a shower and get ready early enough to actually be on time for once since my best friend/Maid of Honor was coming over so we could go to my mom's and get my Save the Dates addressed and ready to finally send out, seeing as they were supposed to be done end of December/early January. I also did 4 hours worth of much needed cleaning and decluttering. I feel very accomplished and refreshed but at the same time a little invalidated because most of this most likely wouldn't have gotten done if I wasn't manic. Still, my hair is soft, my skin is glowing, and my Save the Dates are finally done! Hopefully after my appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday, I can get on the road to getting my moods and emotions to a manageable level. If you read this, I hope you are having a wonderful day, and know this illness doesn't own you!",Bipolar +45525,"Hey I think I'm on the verge of an episode. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and basically this means when I go manic, things become hallucinogenic. As of late I have been doing good but not. I've basically been hiding from everything and I've been content with it. Well something happened that woke me up and I'm scared. I don't want to go through psychosis again. I don't want to have to deal with the horror of it all again. I don't want my parents to have to go through it again and I don't either. I loose it when it happens. One time I thought I was the reincarnation of Jonah....and most of the time I was fighting off imaginary demons thinking I was possessed and condemned to hell. It's a nightmare. I just want to be happy and healthy. I am going to be. I want to be a good person. And have a good heart. And I wanna have a head on my shoulders. What action should i take? I do not like my doctor. I just don't really have any connection to him. I want to get this sorted out myself. I don't want to involve my mom and dad. I'm 26 years old. It's time to step up and do this for me.",Bipolar +45645,"I'm lost I've been using alot of drugs, been off my meds for a couple days now. Using coke dope weed pills if I could. Beer and liqour. And I'm pushing my family away half the time i wanna die. I have no savings behind by 2 grand in bills but I just want to say fuck it. Get a bunch of pills and do it in. But I have a 4month boy and 5 yo girl. I really don't know what I want but I really just want to be happy. I don't know what's wrong with me....",Bipolar +46708,"Can you have bipolar and not no? I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar, I suffer with various deppereison, mood swings, parnoid, general anxiety disorder and ocd. + +How would a doctor work out what is causing what? Can you be bipolar and not show some symptoms? ",Bipolar +46912,"If you have to take a med with a certain amount of calories how long can you wait after eating? So I take Geodon at night and my psychiatrist told me to take it with 350 calories. Normally when I'm at home I eat 4 tablespoons of peanut butter and take the Geodon. + +But if I go out and have a big dinner how big of a window do I have to take the Geodon? Will it still work if I take it an hour later? Half an hour? + +",Bipolar +46441,"(Reminded by earlier post) I have Bipolar and also ADHD. Is there any hope for ADHD treatment? I have Bipolar (I was diagnosed as BP2 but after an illness earlier in the year I feel like I may have had a manic episode over the summer, but we'll see what the doctor thinks) as well as ADHD. The mood stabilizers help, but don't do a whole lot for concentration while the ADHD meds work for concentration but make me, you know, *manic.* + +I'm totally open for another medication besides the standard Adderall/Ritalin. My overall mental health is the most important thing but I really feel like I always need that little extra *oomph*. + +Any hope out there?",Bipolar +49856,"bipolar 2 to bipolar 1 misdiagnosis? Hi. My mental health journey like so many others has been one of many difficulties. My psychiatrist believes I’ve been misdiagnosed with bipolar 2 and said I’m more aligned with bipolar 1 and I agree. + +Has anyone ever had this happen to them too? It’s so frustrating to be misdiagnosed time and time again",Bipolar +45530,"They didnt tell me about my diagnosis so I found out by sneaking a peak at my doctor's notepad. +""BPDNOS"" +I thought to myself......""fuck.""",Bipolar +49528,"Maintaining my own mental health while helping a friend I have bipolar disorder with a comorbid anxiety disorder. I became symptomatic around the time I was 13 and was diagnosed at 19. I’m turning 40 in a few months so I’ve suffered/lived/almost died/laughed through this illness for over 2 decades. I have a friend who I will call Amy. Amy was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety after a stressful life event. Amy knows about my diagnoses and we are very close, so she has turned to me for questions and emotional support. I love Amy. I want to support Amy the best I can. But the amount of emotional support she is asking for is starting to drain my own mental health resources for staying stable. Additionally, Amy makes a lot of comments about our experiences being the same and she “gets what’s it’s like for me now” when she very clearly does not. She is not making these comments from a place of ill intentions. I know mental illness is not a contest and mental health treatment is important for everyone. However, I have started to internalize it as “Amy is downplaying everything I’ve been through.” Does anyone have any advice on how I can support Amy while protecting your own mental health?",Bipolar +46041,"Question I’ve been very conflicted the last several days. I started Vraylar 5 days ago and have noticed since that I’ve been feeling small charges of minor, anxious energy and even more minor things happening during my sleep. Today I went further and got my usual Hypomania symptoms: warmth/pressure in chest, random thoughts, forgetting thoughts, many ideas but it was still more minor than my last episode and lasted shortly (under an hour). +My last episode btw, also seemed to include rapid cycling and maybe mixed states. I would cycle between HM, normal, or depression in one day or under a day and have symptoms of all 3 during HM. The previous episode which was my first a year ago, wasn’t like this. Sure I had the energy spikes here and there but it wasn’t nearly as intense in symptoms and I didn’t cycle between depression, just crashed into it at the end. (And boooyy that was my worst depressive episode yet). + +Anyhow after this recent episode, I crashed into bad depression with suicidal thoughts then went baseline and have been that way till the last few days. My question is- is the Vraylar causing hypomania or have I progressed into rapid cycling due to my illness being untreated for a year and the meds are helping it, which is why it’s so minor? I know this is a lot but damn, this is confusing and worrisome ",Bipolar +45988,"Does anyone else experience different types of personality surges? I have never been clinically diagnosed, but the closest symptoms I’ve detected are in the bi-polar category. So I was wondering if anyone else encounters this? Its not like multiple personality disorder where each personality takes over the body and does their own thing. While the main personality doesn’t remember at all or is forced to be in the back. I’m conscious and can “control” each one of them, I can basically bite my tongue before bad things happen. + +One side is apologetic, can’t make up my mind, sluggish, sleepy, full on emo emu depression mode, pushes everyone away, and doubts everything and everyone. One side feels like its just a burst of anger; Like it can easily make someone cry by just telling them off, a demon in its own way. While the other one is bubbly, fun, can do anything and everything, the life of the party, a daredevil, a creator, an artist who can easily pull all nighters. + +Is this how bi polar works? I know there are like manic phases and etc. Are those it? Please and thank you everyone",Bipolar +50235,"I have moments when I’m deeply unhappy and I don’t know how to cope. I have things/people in my life that I am grateful for. But I’m deeply unhappy. + +I have goals, but they seem unattainable. I know what I have to do to feel more satisfied, more fulfilled but it really seems like an uphill battle. + +I need to lose a lot of weight that I gained because of meds and overeating due to stress, trauma, and fucked up hunger cues from the meds. I need to get a better paying job so I can afford to live on my own and not live paycheck to paycheck or work a part time in addition to my full time. + +Then I have my grander goals like grad school, getting married and starting a family, moving up in my career. + +I’m just so deeply unhappy with where I currently am and how hard I have to work on top of managing my mood swings. So much so that I frequently contemplate just giving up on being alive at all. + +I had to put my dog to rest this week and the week leading up to it and this week, I’ve pretty much let my routine go. I don’t shower frequently enough, I don’t do my skincare, I don’t eat well (but I’m still not losing weight), I barely manage 20-30 min of exercise which my partner so “helpfully” points out is not enough if I’m serious about losing weight. And every meal I skip, my mother cheers me on because I “have fat to sustain [me] anyway.” + +I feel close to a breakdown. I want to give up so badly. I’m what high functioning looks like. Miserable and barely holding on.",Bipolar +49834,"Lackluster Hanged Man tied from umbilical to Empress, + +Expectations bestowed like thunder, + +“But he stutters”, + +“And is pigeon toed to the point of falling down after a few steps,” + +Oil added, + +Oil lit, + +Conveyor off, + +Couplings bent, + +“Is he queer?” + +Interrogate, + +Placating? + +Mind shifts its hue, + +Severe melancholy, + +Locked in bed, + +To straight up anger and frustration, + +How I not know you don’t go days without sleep? + +Shrinking in my clothes as I have no time to eat, + +Freshman year at university results in an ambulance ride to a ward, + +“Bipolar?” + +“Fuck you! I’m too perfect to be told such!” + +Ahhhh, dumbass at 18 knows nothing of taking initiative and listening to professional advice, + +Going up and down mountains makes me not want to taste psychosis again, + +I’ve matured and now take my meds, + +Rather proud of myself, + +But….. + +How many times I tied that rope around my neck? + +Card says Hanged Man, + +What is it saying to me? + +Is it correct?",Bipolar +45978,"Advice: The Dead Sea, saltiest place on Earth, second to her. New Relationship, and best described as dating a pretzel... Twisted, salty and I can't get enough! I'm a 22 y/o Maori male and have been seeing this choice as lady for a coupley months, she's 30 and deals with type 1. We just started living together, and she has 2 awesome young girls, who also seem to posses the ability of growing horns on command. I don't know how to explain, that I enjoy playing with fire aware of getting burned. The unpredictable is such a turn on, from good vibes present to more energy than a lightning storm. I haven't known her personally for long, but majority of her previous relationships with family and partners has been a path of hardship through physical, mental and spiritual violence... Due to their lack of understanding/empathy. I'm fortunate to have personal stability, and have so much stength to support this beautiful lady, plenty of time for her daughters, as want to provide them with the guidance and opportunities that, I took for granted in whatever they wish to pursue. It's still early days, and she's a really independent lady, a survivor not a victim, so there aren't labels yet as such, as she struggles with romantic feelings as much as guys. She doesn't take meds, but from previous experience, they bring about a numbness. I strongly identify with spirit/natrual alternatives (as a Maori, not just crazy) if anyone has any suggestions? At times she goes really queit, and you can feel the static in the room, I just haven't grasped, how to bring her out of this headspace, as she is so independent and hasn't had a partner that can support and just listen, without anger or wanting to fix everything she keeps quiet. Her thought manifests in the environment and is like static electricity. she seems to resolve issues like a male through self reflection, rather than a verbal release. Laughter seems to help, so I try change her pattern of thought with humour, but the downside being i dont know what's appropriate at times. Last thing I want is to come across as her mother, especially since early days but I'm all about the family values and just here for support. To listen rather than reply, these ears aren't painted on. If anyone has any advise on this situation, dealing with my lady who could make even the devil breakdown on Jeremy Kyle. Would be much appreciated. She's so worth it, without darkness we'd never appreciate how good the light is. Nothing worse than a basic b*tch, like a challenge.",Bipolar +46204,"I never really write creative stuff because I have an expressive language disorder, but I tried writing a poem about mania + +From the depths comes a glimmer + + +Intoxicating, yet foreboding + + +It takes hold, thrusts you from the deep + + +Brings you to the sky to see all that lies below + + +All that has been missing + + +Feelings are blessed, colors are sacred + + +The fire is painful and beautiful + + +It’s too much + + +It’s interminable + + +As the flames spread you want nothing but peace + + +A return to the earth",Bipolar +50091,"How to find success starting a new job with bipolar disorder? I just accepted a job offer yesterday for a new job I will be starting in a couple of weeks. This will be my first ""adult,"" full-time job so I'm feeling pretty excited and a little nervous at the same time. I wanted to reach out and ask if anyone has any tips when it comes to starting a new job for people on the bipolar spectrum since we face unique challenges. How have you found success? What do you wish you did differently?",Bipolar +49744,"Do your episodes result in physical health problems? I've been battling bipolar for about about 8 years and just recently diagnosed and medicated in the past year and a half. Every episode I have results in my thyroid swelling up as a reaction to stress (like so big the endocrinologist gasped when he saw it), I have a whole bunch of nodules on my thyroid and now instead of the thyroid swelling up, it's the nodules that are filling with fluid and swelling up....only when I'm at the end of an episode so I know it's due to stress and the endocrinologist agrees. I've also experienced SIBO and I still do if I don't follow a strict diet, I became allergic to fragrance, coconut on skin, and Aloe Vera all out of nowhere, and my hair was falling out, this all happened when I was unmedicated, undiagnosed and extremely stressed out and my anxiety was through the roof. I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced extreme stress from these episodes that's resulted in other illnesses?",Bipolar +45672,"Welp, back to being alone for a while Broke up with the gf. It was mutual, went the best way it really could have. We just are different people, and we live different lives. + + It hurts but it's the loneliness that going to hurt the most I suppose. It took me a long ass time to find someone (8 years). And finding someone else isn't going to be super easy, I just work and stay home most of the time. + + So, time to inner reflect. Back to finding me. It's actually kind nice being by myself, but it's when it stops being nice is when it gets to be a problem. Wish me luck. ",Bipolar +45753,"Fibromyalgia AND adhd AND BIPOLAR I I’ve dealt with inconsistent mental health care most of my late teens and early 20s. Now that i’m independent of my mental illness-denying family, i see a good therapist and get consistent treatment. + +well recently i had a terrible manic episode that put me in a very dangerous situation that i luckily survived. it’s something i would never do otherwise. after speaking with my therapist she recommended a psychiatrist to me and i’ve been seeing her. i was tested and, boom, diagnosed bipolar i and adhd. + +i was somewhat surprised by the diagnosis, but at the same time, it explained my entire life. + +it’s like, fibro is a lot already with three of the many symptoms being anxiety, depression, and brain fog. i don’t want to deal with more. esp. since i really, really need to be on a mood stabilizer. + +it’s just hard thinking about having to adjust all my medication, including possibly my fibro meds. it’s just a headache to potentially deal with more symptoms/ side effects while i rework everything. + +but it’s really necessary. my manic brain is so sneaky and tricks me so easily. + +Edit: sorry for the poor grammar. my thoughts are racing pretty bad and it makes it hard to type.",Bipolar +49772,Thankful I just want to take a minute and say how much I appreciate each and every one of you. I am an icu nurse with a recent bipolar diagnosis and I get on here everyday because it just gives me a sense of comfort and relief knowing I’m not going through this alone. So thank you everyone for sharing/commenting. It really does help me get through my day. Love you all ❤️,Bipolar +50023,"On suicide The past few months I've been struggling with persistent suicide ideation and even attempted during a major depressive episode. But instead of saying ""it's just a symptom of your disease"" I would like to walk you through my thought process. + +1. The argument from circumstance. +Right now I am unemployed, with no realistic chance of getting a job. My resume is spotty, and the market I operated in pretty much collapsed. My memory, focus and cognitive skills are pretty much gone after having two psychoses in a year. A low skilled job almost always requires a drivers license, which I'm not capable of (I tried). Furthermore, I have a criminal record from the things I did during my psychosis, excluding me from most jobs in my field anyways. I'm lonely and have no support system (no friends or family that can offer any stability). Meaning that within a year or so I'll be forced to sell my house and eventually live on the streets. Homelessness is not a reason for suicide of course, nor is unemployment, but it's also something I'd rather not do. Yet it is almost unavoidable. + +2. The argument from harm. +My actions, whether in psychosis, depression, mania, anger, or just because who I am, have caused irreparable emotional and material damage. My continued existence is a danger to society, and will always incur tremendous cost (through health care, living on the streets, and I've had multiple encounters with the police during both manic and depressive episodes). While one could argue that all life is ultimately detrimental, in my case it's fairly obvious: I cause harm without being able to effectively control it, and I do not wish to cause any more harm. The self image of a calm collected person is a fever dream, in reality I'm just a unstable criminally psychotic mental health patient. + +3. The argument from hopelessness. +You might argue ""well maybe you'll find a job, some friends, maybe even love, and what you did in the past might not happen again"". Living on the streets is an adventure! Unfortunately, it might also not be the case. I've always had a pessimistic and depressed outlook, and whether that is caused by brain abnormalities or not almost seems irrelevant: life has always been a struggle, and I do not want to continue this struggle. It's hopeless, really, I just kinda fumbled my way into an impossible situation. + +4. The argument from despair. +Although perhaps a majority of people disagrees with the following: I believe society is on the brink of collapse, and within our projected lifetimes things will likely only get worse. Without going into the precise reasons for believing this, I feel like it's almost uncontroversial to say ""things are bad, and they'll get worse"". For the longest time I held a certain morbid curiosity for this ""lets see how this plays out"", but after my depressive psychosis (which was a traumatizing hell) I quite simply no longer have the desire to see it. + +5. The argument from meaning. +Commonly the argument against suicide goes ""what about the people you leave behind"". The two people I still have in my life pretty much said ""we get it, just make sure your affairs are in order"". So that's not a real argument for me personally. But in the abstract you might say ""you owe it to the world to do your best"" to which my mind always replies ""no"". I have nothing to contribute anyways, but if life is simply reduced to doing the meaningless bidding of others in order to perpetuate some bizarre notion of ""you must work to live, even if life is miserable"" then I simply refuse to play that game. But even if it is not miserable, which it will be (because my brain is broken), is life then simply some egocentric hedonism ""find pleasure in something"". I mean that's also a little bit of a hollow existence. Someone once said to me ""life just *is*"", there is no purpose or meaning to it, which is fair. But then not living really seems like a choice, and I can choose to stop it. + +6. The argument from personality. +Nobody likes a pseudo-intellectual climate activist with anti-capitalist tendencies that has a mental health disorder and will probably live on the streets. Especially not one that studied AI and philosophy. Especially not ... you can fill in all the stereotypes, feel free to pick the ones you hate the most. Now you might say ""just shut up then and be normal"", I quite literally can't. You can't just say ""change your personality"". I have seen so many death threats on social media, it's worrying in its own right. + +So that's it, that's the thought process. I'm just too tired, I have lived an acceptable life. I've known riches and wealth, love, and the depths of thought. But it's done. Life will always end, there is even some beauty in the idea that I get to pick when.",Bipolar +49804,"Hypomanic symptoms question I have a question about mainly hypomania… how ‘constant’ are peoples symptoms generally? I know when I’m manic they’re 24/7, 365 at a million percent, but when I’m hypomanic I at least have much less noticeable symptoms. Is it normal to not be *constantly* bouncing off the walls and exhibiting symptoms?",Bipolar +50141,"Am I only validated when things are worst case? I'm doing all the shit they tell you to do. Ask for help early, intervene, use skills, tell your care team what is going on...etc. The past few weeks have felt like shit but I've managed to avoid a major incident. I still had to take an ""incomplete"" in my coursework and will have to finish the module over the summer but I am not set back by a whole year like last time. So I guess you could say that things are working. But I feel like I'm not being taken seriously by my providers. I am telling them what is going on and how I am feeling but since I didn't have a major incident that ended in disaster I feel like they are telling me that I'm fine and not really listening. I feel like the only time people listen to what I'm saying is when I'm literally having a medical emergency. It is really invalidating and makes me feel like my problems are only valid if they're immediately life threatening. Anyone else? How do you keep taking care of yourself when everyone sees you as ""managing"" but you're actually barely scraping by?",Bipolar +49508,How do we celebrate/recognize International Bipolar Day (March 30th)? Have it on my calendar that International Bipolar Day is a week from today. Wondering if anyone has ways they commemorate the day. Is it meant as a day to spread awareness and destigmatize the condition?,Bipolar +46820,"Depressive Symptoms Seem to Always be Present. Hey everyone! I was officially diagnosed with RC Bipolar Disorder around 3 years ago. I have luckily been at baseline with very few manic/depressive episodes for about 2/3 years. But, lately I have become more cognizant of a background feeling of depression that always seems to be present. It is really more of the physical feelings rather than the emotional feelings (e.g. listlessness, fatigue, body aches, flat affect, etc.). I don’t feel “depressed”, but I have been depressed enough times in my life to know what the symptoms are. Does anyone else experience this? It is affecting my life, but I don’t know what to really do about it... + +Meds: +300mg seroquel XR +100mg Zoloft +50mg Topamax 2x/day",Bipolar +46657,"Should I tell him? Hi everyone! + + +I'm currently doing my honours in Zoology which entails a research project. I have two supervisors: One of the professors at my uni and a postdoc whose research I will be elaborating on. + + +It's a lot of work so far (writing up, going through literature, making proposals, etc.). I started this year off on a really bad foot and I've just been in a really low place for the whole of it. I'm type 2, so I'm either down or I'm REALLY down. + + +Anyway, it's definitely affecting my productivity at this point. I'm also scared that it's affecting my relationship with my supervisors because I can't get myself to talk to them when I'm in my down cycle (or, if I do, I always say the wrong thing or come off as defensive). + + +I'm going to have to work with them through the whole year and i'm scared this keeps going on. I don't like to tell people that I'm bipolar but I wonder whether it will make things easier if I told my professor. He's an amazing guy and would understand. But I feel like giving this info would mess around with his perception of me or something. + + +What would you guys do?",Bipolar +45744,"Anyone else not sleeping too well at the moment? (lamictal/quetiapine combo) On low starting doses of quetiapine and lamictal which are working, slowly. After three nights of beautiful, undisturbed sleep on quetiapine my sleep pattern got fucked up and now I'm back down to my usually horrific sleep pattern. I need to hit the reset button somewhere. + +Any of you guys had experiences with this combination before?",Bipolar +46823,"Lamictol related disassociation Hi , +I m on a dose up schedule with Lamictal and changed from 50 mg to 75 mg this Wednesday . +I have been feeling a lot of disassociation since the beginning of this week and it makes me scared and anxious . Any one else experience this ? Does it go away ? +Thanks ",Bipolar +49801,"Waited 5 weeks for a psychiatrist appt only to find out days before it that they scheduled me with an lpcc who cant even prescribe meds, which was the entire reason i made the appt. Got referred to a psychiatrist from my pcp. Behavioral center booked my appointment with a therapist + +Got diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few weeks ago, my pcp said he didnt have the resources to properly treat so he referred me to a behavioral health center. So i've waited 5 weeks for this appointment. I was very clear while scheduling that this appointment was for seeking medication. This is the earliest appointment they could get me and it's only because they had a cancellation. Got sent the info finally today for my appointment on friday. Looked at it real quick on the portal and they've scheduled me for a telehealth session with an lpcc. I just looked it up and they cant prescribe medications. The entire fucking reason I made the appointment. + +I'm absolutely gutted. The amount of effort and energy it took me just to schedule the appointment with my pcp to get a referral (because everyone i called said i needed that) was astounding. I finally got the gumption to take hold of this shit and try to get better and this is what I get. I literally feel so defeated and like theres absolutely no point at all. I just came down from a hypo week and the depression is hitting hard and then i find this out. The rage and sadness I feel is literally making me physically ill and i feel like I could break all of my fucking fingers. + +I'm sure someone is going to comment and tell me to check myself into a facility for inpatient care. I cant fucking afford to. I have 100$ in my bank account and payday isnt for another week. I cant take any time off work because I will literally not make my mortgage payment. + +I'm sure some people really benefit from therapy and maybe at a later point in my recovery from this shit I'll be more open to it but right now all I can think is how the FUCK is talking to some stranger on the phone about my problems and them saying some stupid shit like ""oh i can hear how difficult this is for you, try these excersizes the next time you feel like you're getting unmanageable"" going to fix anything. I want to be fucking medicated. I want to get to the point where I can act or feel like halfway of a part of a normal fucking human being and maybe then i can focus on miss linda's breathing therapy. + +I have been looking so forward to this appointment and I've been so proud of myself for even making it. I felt like I could get through the swings these past few weeks because I had this to look forward to and maybe just fucking maybe i'd get even an ounce of relief from this shit or be on the road to an ounce of relief; a means to an end. I felt like I was moving on from square one and on my way to progress and now I feel like I've fallen so much farther behind it. I'm going to have to find a different provider and wait another fucking six weeks through this shit. I cannot do this.",Bipolar +49954,"Decided to paint I have always envied and loved how others could express their feelings through color and time by painting. I am envious 🥰🥰 +This was my night and I really like looking at it ❤️‍🔥 +Feels good to concentrate fully on a project to the end. +#shortgoals",Bipolar +49778,"My life is so sad that even my psych doctor ghosted me My ex who was the best sex I've ever had (and I've had a lot of sex) dumped my stuff in my living room on Sunday and politely told me he never wanted to speak to me again. Well, maybe someday (which means never) + +To try to cope I posted for hook-ups on Reddit but every guy I sent my photo to rejected me - this was never an issue before but I guess now that I'm 30 I'm ugly. I'm not fat, I think I have a good body, must be face issues. I look really tired in all my photos. + +So life sucks. + +I've stopped taking my meds properly because I hate them. + +I've stopped eating meals because I don't want to go back to being bulimic. + +I blocked all my friends and family because they told me to talk to a professional about wanting to start drinking again (I'm sober) and since there's no professionals to talk to 24/7 I guess I'm shit out of luck and better off not bothering them. + +My mom did a wellness check on me when I told her I'd blocked her, which I said she could do.... but lol. + +I bought my first vape yesterday because I don't want to break my sobriety and I do not care if I start hearing voices. + +And I tried to go to AA last night only to listen to a bunch of people whine about how hard step 4 is while I'm literally writing it in my head just trying to find a sponsor to do it with. + +Now today my psych doctor has ghosted me. The professional I'm supposed to talk to about drinking. Can't decide if she's doing a form 2 or something came up. Cherry on top of this week lol.",Bipolar +50006,"Friend took her life and I’m broken She was such a beautiful person. I can’t imagine the world without her incredible spark of life. Confusion, anger, deep sadness, a cold and aching regret…I feel everything right now. + +She had well-managed rapid-cycling bipolar and was helping me come to terms with my bipolar 1 + psychotic features diagnosis. The pain she must have been experiencing…I just can’t imagine. I am so upset about her and now so scared for what’s in my own future, which feels selfish. + +How can I move on? Why did this happen? Why? Why can’t I go back in time and reach out to her before it’s too late? My soul feels empty.",Bipolar +45421,"Happy Event caused Depression? Okay so I'm kind of weirded out by this and not sure how to take it. I went to my psych doctor yesterday after having months of depression and we realized my depression started when I got engaged. She said major life events can trigger mood changes. I am NOT depressed about being engaged, I am super excited and was waiting very impatiently for the day and couldn't be happier to spend the rest of my life with my fiance. She said maybe the wedding planning is what's stressing me out and causing the depression. I do tend to get depressive when I have to deal with my family a lot which wedding planning has definitely entailed but idk. I feel guilty for being depressed during what's supposed to be such a happy time in my life. ",Bipolar +45541,"I'm not in a good place. I've been stealing more, I've been sexting random guys/girls, I'm spending more money, I don't think before I speak and say stupid shit, I'm impatient and flying off the handle easily, but I'm super depressed. I went down to half of my regular dose of Latuda because it was making me so nauseous... I just can't win.",Bipolar +46053,"Depakote side effects suck, but (TMI-girl stuff) I just got my first period without having major PMS in years. Usually, I get so angry a few days before my period. Or I have terrible mood swings back and forth. This time I didn't even know it was coming. ",Bipolar +50061,"SCARED TO BE A PARENT This is me venting? Help any advice helps! + + + +I’ve been diagnosed with BD type 1 for two years and when I got diagnosed it made so many things from my childhood make sense. +I was always so “emotional and dramatic” and known as being a “cry baby” basically my entire life. To be completely honest I truly think I’ve always been bipolar (genetically not necessarily an environmental effect-although my environment didn’t help but cause more spark to the fire) +Anyway, I’m 27 now and I’ve decided to discontinue birth control. I currently take the pill and have the nexplanon. The combination of the two seemed to help for about five months but since having the nexplanon I have gained so much weight and have become more noticeably irritable. My episodes are more drastic and scare not only myself but others around me. Along with that my depression has gotten worse and pet of that is because of the weight of gained-it makes me so mad. I’ve tried dieting and exercising extensively. I have been told that a k eto diet helps manage symptoms of BD-not sure how true tha is. But I did do the diet for about two months and I dropped weight quick and get on top of the world. Thinking back on it now idk if that top of the world feeling was me having an episode. +I few like my BD has been managed quite well but of course I struggle day to day. +Everyone here knows how dark bad days can be, you know how it can be. It’s scary as fuck! +I want to be healthier with minimal medication and I feel like that means no more birth control. I’m hoping it helps me lose weight and decrease my depression. +I also want to start a family but it worries me that my children could possibly have BD like me. No one is immune to pain and suffering but man having a mental diagnosis sure makes things a hell of a lot harder. + + + +Edit: the only reason I’ve taken birth control is because my cycle is extremely irregular. Sometimes I have it every day for months at a time to having it very painfully for a day or two. All birth control I’ve used has helped for about two months until it seems to have no effect on my body. The last birth control I was using was the pill along with the nexplanon. The combination of the two seemed to help for about five months.",Bipolar +49821,Voices Does anybody else hear voices and if so do they sound like they come from a different location in your head? Usually I’m able to visualize it as a spherical plane where my inner voice is at the center but usually the voices sound like they come from a different location. Usually being closer to either one of my ears yet still noticeably inside the sphere.,Bipolar +45964,"Obsession/Strong passion that quickly goes away For a lot of my life I have become completely obsessed with many things. They feel like passions. They feel like it's the best thing ever. But then I suddenly lose interest. It happens on small and large scale. Small obsessions go from being completely obsessed with one music artist or style of music for maybe a month or less to a point where I can't think of anything else. I play the same stuff over and over and over again and eventually lose interest and move on. This happens to a lot of people but it spreads to other things. A lot of my hobbies are like this. Sculpture, painting, working out, video games, there's do many. On a larger scale: When I was in college I switched my major 4 times because I would get completely obsessed and passionate with the major then suddenly I would lose so much interest that it became hard to go to class, focus, do homework etc so I would eventually switch majors. My last major I decided to stick with because I couldn't afford to change any more so I just dealt with it and did the minimum to get my degree. This happens with jobs too. I'll really truly love a job, work there for 6 months and then start dreading it every day. + +My hobbies do this, my interests do this, my life is just like this and I don't want it any more. I try so hard to be passionate for things and sometimes these passions come back for a bit but nothing sticks. Ever. It never has. + + Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone have any advice? I'm 26 and I can't keep living my life like this. ",Bipolar +49638,"Anticipated I know! + +I see it, + +My life is propelled, + +A mandate from heaven, + +Audience anticipates it, + +They clap until it sounds like thunder, + +Grasping their bellies until they roll out of their chairs, + +“He’s doing it again! Another meltdown.” + +Born and grew with a face of a child, + +“You’re so cute!” + +Seems peculiar but I sure found something for my phenotype, + +They pay for my dinners, + +They buy me flowers, + +Made me feel secure when I was not stable, + +I like to be treated, + +Like to be shown you care, + +Then I feel intolerable, + +And have been called things for a previous lifestyle, + +Maybe I am what I am told I am, + +What brings admiration and material turns to my curse, + +For when I fall apart and turn to a spectacle… + +It is something to merely laugh at, + +Frustration and cries for help get treated as hysterical, + +Suicidal ideation and attempts get treated as mere pouts, + +Nothing that serious, + +Even more certain I have no right to myself.",Bipolar +45440,"Three strikes and out Had total of four treatments. Recovery from each was progressively worse. Paranoia, anxiety, extreme memory loss to the point I couldn't recognize wife or children. Ended up in locked room as the paranoid me became the angry me. I knew something was wrongs, I literally felt short circuited, and lashed out at staff, doctors and family. My first, and really only memory of this time, was ripping plumbing off the sink as I prepared to combat staff? as I wanted the hell out of the nightmare I was living. As crazy as it sounds that was a beginning of my recovery. Today I'm stable but have lost big chunks of memories. Events one normally would never forget. Getting married, birth of children, pa#ing of family members much less the little events of life that connect so much of who we are. I thank God I had an advocate in my wife that was able to say enough. The docs kept saying just one more, just one more. Today I'm stable and my BP is under control through meds. Don't take this treatment lightly. It can have ramifications far and long that aren't always positive. Best of luck, T. +",Bipolar +46145,"bipolar & traveling & manic episodes & foreign psych ward !! Hi everyone. I wrote this about something I experienced last night/kind of what happened to me in my first psychotic manic episode or whatever you wanna call it. Did anyone else ever experience something like this? + + + + +The sun was setting in the Guatemalan Western Highlands as I used some of my precious battery life to check how far I was on the map on my phone. Nearly three hours. + +Traffic had slowed to a crawl, and I felt the tell-tale ticking of my anxiety rising in my stomach. + +This wasn’t the plan, my brain told me. It was supposed to still be light when you got there. + +Fear began to overwhelm me even though I had been in situations like this before. I had arrived only the night earlier in Guatemala City close to midnight. It’s days like this my recent diagnosis as being bipolar began to make sense. + +I thought I heard the woman with her child talking on the phone on the bus saying something about “rubia,” and fright overwhelmed me. I have become so scared of my own brain. In everything I do, I question – what symptom of bipolarity is this? + +While in Croatia last summer, I was relaxed, partying, and feeling like for once, I had come out of my shell; I had become the person I was supposed to be. + +That bout of mania landed me in a Croatian psych ward. When I stopped punishing myself for the sexual assault I suffered when I was four and began to allow myself to be happy, or so I thought, I had a psychotic break. + +I heard people talking about me. + +First, it was about how great I was, how cool, how pretty, and it was flattering. I felt on top of the world. Then, I heard the other hallucinations. + +They were not so flattering. + +I spent a night in a hostel crying, while nearly 10 people in the same room tried to sleep. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t stop crying. I was hysterical. + +My hallucinations had made me believe I had been raped, I had herpes, I was tainted and disgusting, and that I should probably kill myself because no one loved or cared about me. + +That night, I spent in my head. I didn’t sleep, except for an hour, but then I was woken up by the hostel staff and asked to leave – my reservation was only for one night. I wandered around the city and I felt like everyone was talking about me. I wanted to cry or sleep or escape, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity to do any of it. + +I muttered and wandered. I felt so foggy, like there was a weight on my mind. Why were people following me? Why couldn’t I see them? + +The next two days are kind of blurs in my mind, but I know I managed to leave all my belongings behind, including my glasses and my ability to see, have a delusion that I could speak every language I had ever heard a word of, and start to become aggressive. + +The next clear memory I have, I was waking up in a soft, warm bed. It was dirty all around me, and I felt so groggy and tired. I was in and out of sleep the whole day, waking up occasionally to eat a meal. There was a layer of grime and shame on me that a cold shower couldn’t get off. All I wanted to do was curl up in that bed and become an invalid. The delusions were still there, but weaker. + +So, when this perfectly friendly, normal Guatemalan woman was simply having a conversation with her mother, and I thought I heard words that might pertain to me, it freaked me out. + +I have a mantra I internalize when I am projecting my fears onto speech around me – no one cares about you, no one is talking about you. + +It sounds pretty emo. + +But, when I thought, just for two minutes, this Guatemalan woman was planning a way to rob me, it’s extremely comforting. + +I went home after I ended up in the psych ward because clearly I needed to meet with psychiatrists and a whole host of doctors and a lovely therapist who would try to help me and have varying levels of success. + +Throughout this process, my goal was to continue to travel by myself. I saw this as a hiccup. A pretty major hiccup, but one that’s able to be overcome with a can-do attitude! + +It wasn’t about or feeling like I had failed, but an urging from deep in my motherfucking soul that told me if I stayed in the relative warmth and comfort of my parents’ house now, I would never leave. + +That’s probably a symptom. + + +",Bipolar +46043,"Psych doc put me on Buspirone. Thoughts? Experiences? I've been in the midst of a serious depressive/anxiety ridden phase for weeks now. Rather than increase my Cymbalta and risk a manic episode, the doc put me on Buspirone, 15 mg 2xs a day. +This shit sure works. And by works I mean I'm too damn tired to do *anything*. You can't have panic attacks when you're dizzy and laying in bed 18 hours a day. I called up my therapist and told her I'm discontinuing the Buspirone. The psych doc will be calling me tomorrow. +Has anyone had experience with this medication? How much did it effect you? I feel like I'm back on seroquel and that's *NOT* a good thing.",Bipolar +50487,"Travel Tips? How do you handle barking security agents, boarding passes, changing itinerary, foreign languages, rude locals, etc. without losing it? Here's what's worked for me: + +Photograph \*everything\* important - passports, credit cards, boarding passes, luggage, and store the photos in a locked folder on your phone. This helps recovery of lost items, lower your footprint if you get robbed, and it creates backups because you never know. + +Try to research as much ahead of time - Rick Steves advises to book the important stuff, but keep things open ended. I've found, since I'm so easily distracted, to have a few good options at all times that you can do in case things are getting weird. + +Go easy on the coffee - first thing I want to do in an airport or a new city is to have coffee. There's downtime, I'm jetlagged, weary, and already overstimulated, and caffeine I think adds to my disorganization. If I get lost, it makes me look even more like a crackhead asking for directions. It's best to get acclimated then act like a local. + +Assume you will get lost and account for it - my sense of directions are terrible. Without google maps, I would be at the front of Walmart, aged progressed, with a slightly insulting cash reward for whoever finds me. Set up SIM cards, initial itinerary, and a basic plan to get settled after arrival. + +Breathe, dammit! - everything's new, everything's stimulating, but you have responsibilities. Stay present and take.your.meds. Do you really want to be hospitalized overseas? + +OK how about you, gentle bipolar traveler?",Bipolar +46262,"Abilify Withdrawal? I'm thinking of dropping my abilify 15mg to see if my lamictal is enough to hold my moods on its own. At the current dose lamictal has worked wonders for my depression/anxiety, and if it's able to control my hypomania then that would be amazing, so I feel like this is something worth trying to keep my meds as few as possible. Has anyone dropped abilify cold turkey? And was it painful or just meh?",Bipolar +49603,"Starting to feel hypomanic I haven’t felt this way in a very long time and the mere fact that I am even writing here is a strange, it is painful to know what’s happening and what’s coming. Im contemplating if I should take tranqs or call for help. Im so good at sketching right no tho, like so good. I hate this feeling but also not sure how to not feel good right now. Everything is so bright and doable but I hate knowing this will end in a low I will not be able to fathom. +Sorry for rambling, just not sure if I’m making sense.",Bipolar +46284,"Probably the most ridiculous way of fighting my negative thoughts First off, I've been a Queen fan since my early childhood. I probably knew all the lyrics to ""Bohemian Rhapsody"" by four or five. I was as much of a fan as any poor kid whose family couldn't afford a CD player, and was limited to the radio and her parents cassette tapes could be. The movie was right up my alley. + +Anyways, a pattern of my depressive episodes, combined with my comorbids, is the worse, most negative, loathsome thought patterns, often about my physical appearance. To combat this, I have given my attempts at more positive self talk the most flamboyant, happy Freddie Mercury voice and wordings I can imagine. And it's working. Yeah, it's really, really weird and kinda stupid, but until i can stand on my own two feet, one of my childhood idols can ight the demons for me.",Bipolar +46714,I(15m) haven't taken my meds in 3 weeks. So yeah I haven't had a good night sleep in a week I went off my bipolar meds cuase I just keep on forgetting to take them so I'm in school right now so i cant take them and I'm suppose to take them at night so I'm going to try to remember to take them tonight. What I'm asking if I should tell anyone im off my meds my mom is out of town and it's just me and my twin sisters(17/17) that are home so should I tell my sister or keep this to myself.,Bipolar +46445,"I think its best if I reenlist Right now I am contemplating on re-enlisting. Thinking about telling the truth about everything that happened to me. School is not working for me and I cant get a job. I believe the VA abandonned me when I applied to see a career counselor twice. If anyone else thought the same and have done, how did it go? I want to know because Im ready to work out and join again. Please I need help, no one wants a veteran apparently. ",Bipolar +50022,,Bipolar +46221,otc lithium vs carbonate have you noticed a huge difference between over the counter lithium that is low dosage (5mg) vs lithium carbonate which is prescribed at higher dosages like 800mg..,Bipolar +46415,"Idk if I’m manic but I’m not doing well I don’t know if I’m manic or what’s going on. I was super stable for about 2 months. Very motivated, productive, going to sleep early and waking up early, etc. I think it slowly ramped up to the point where I was out of the house doing school work or going to the gym or eating out or working like 16 hours a day, making big plans, etc. Everything seemed really beautiful, and i think around that point I started to realize I was manic. Then, this past week or two I’ve begun drinking and smoking every night, if I’m sober I feel like buzzing out of my skin. I’ve been hungover for days and I think I’m acrually getting the flu now. The thing is, I don’t exactly feel “manic” anymore, but I don’t feel depressed either. I’m not out being productive like I was at the beginnings of the episode, I generally feel more on edge and tense? Like instead of having a bunch of positive energy, i have more intense or stressed energy? I can’t eat more than a few bites of anything with out getting nauseas, even if I smoke and get the munchies. I’m eating maybe like 500 calories a day, not including alcohol. I can’t sleep unless I smoke. The other day I worked 8 hours, went out drinking all night, slept for 4 hours and then went back and worked an 8 hour shift. I took a test still drunk from the night before and got a 92%. Im going to the gym every other day just because I like the communal energy. + +I don’t really know what I’m getting at here. I guess I just feel sick as fuck from drinking all week and barely eating. But despite feeling sick I still feel like going out and being social. But I don’t feel all positive and motivated like I did at the beginning? Idk what’s going on.",Bipolar +50306,"My first Mixed episode and I need some advices There's not much to say. I'm on abilify 7.5 mg, I'm on my way to adjust meds but rn I'm having a terrible mixed episode. You probably know how does it feel so I just want to hear some advices on how can I survive without destroying my life. Or if there's something I can do to make this shit going away. I HATE IT",Bipolar +50272,"Struggling with living with bipolar This is ny first attempt at posting in a community specific to bipolar disorder. I'll start by saying I was diagnosed 4 years back. I'm a medical professional but I'm still struggling. I'm currently on medication and I'm more or less okay according to my doctor. +I'm struggling because everything I've studied about my disorder whether in my books or online or from my doctor, it's difficult to believe that because my family has always been the tough love kind. My father is never okay with me using the word Bipolar disorder and has always said to call it depression because it's just that. My sister who is also a doctor also often tells me that my symptoms are anxiety and the common statement by both of them as well as my mom is that people have it worse than I am. + I've been working on my post grad exams and I'm struggling. I have difficulty recalling and retaining what I read and I have gotten several anxiety attacks. My family history is positive for bpd but currently its just me. +I'm completely lost because i don't know if I'm stupid or not. My brain gets too loud sometimes, I am scared of fightings and driving as well as being driven, I'm told I'm too talkative. I panic, I forget things and sometimes I can't remember the right words. But I'm told it's all in my head. Nobody except my immediate family knows because mental health is still a taboo topic. I'm completely lost and I don't know how to be normal.",Bipolar +49986,"Changing diagnosis? No longer bipolar? Hi, + +I was first diagnosed with bipolar type 2 in 2019. I quickly got stable with medication until I was pregnant in 2021 and my meds were changed. It set me spiralling and I saw a new psychiatrist who again diagnosed bipolar type 2. + +I came off my meds for 6 months last year and stayed pretty stable other than depression. Then around Christmas time hit a manic period and saw a new psychiatrist. This time they said they weren't sure bipolar was the right diagnosis but put me on lamotrigine anyway. + +I've been really good on lamotrigine for a couple months but my husband spoke to my psych nurse today about maybe having some counselling and she said I don't have a diagnosis of bipolar anymore and they're treating my autism and depression. + +I don't know why I feel so panicked and upset by it. I think it's come out of the blue. The fact nobody has told me and they've now told my husband without even speaking to me about it. It feels like they've been sort of talking behind my back and think I'm lying or something? + +I don't understand how to different psychs said I'm bipolar and this new one has seen me once and changed my diagnosis.",Bipolar +47056,"Struggling to get the help I need! + +Around the age of 19/20 I began struggling badly with my mental health. I began drinking heavily, doing drugs and staying up all night on my PC. Having just enough sleep to sober up a little so I could go to work and live a seemingly normal life. + +One morning I was on the transfer bus from the car park to my office and as it pulled in to the stop before my office I got off the bus and found myself on a train to the seaside. I love the seaside, it is where I go when I need to calm my mind. I texted work letting them know I wouldn’t be in work today then went and found a place to sit! Today was different though, instead of calming thoughts and feeling refreshed, my head was spinning with thoughts like walking into the sea or stepping in front of a train anything to just end it all. + +In a panic I ran back to the train station, getting on the first train home. 35 minuets into the journey the train stopped. A person had stepped out in front of the train I was on. My mind was all over, at the time I was thinking it was a sign. I thought about it for the next 3 hours and had basically talked myself into doing it. By time I had reached my car I had managed to buy enough packets of pills to take my own life. + +I started to take them, I had taken about 100/150 pills and then in a split second I changed my mind. I ran back to the train station looking for help. I was crying so much I couldn’t even get my words out I kind of just threw my empty packets at the feet of the first ‘official’ person I found. + +Within a few hours I was in hospital and my mum was there. The next few days I had explained what had happened. My mum didn’t believe me, she refused to believe it. She would say things like ‘but you’re always so happy’, ‘you have no reason to do something like that’ or ‘it just doesn’t make sense’. + +So that was the first time I really knew I had a problem, work organised for me to see a councilor. I had 6 sessions, but I felt like I was getting nowhere. So, I stopped going. + +I went to my local doctor’s office, and they gave me some pills. Then some more pills and again some more. Most of the time I would just stopped taking my pills as they started causing me problems with my job. A few years later I felt like I was no better, so I decided to start therapy again, and once again I got nowhere, the therapist would call me by the wrong name or show up late. So, I stopped going. After a few months my doctor sent me to a new therapist it was here that my therapist told me she believed I was Bipolar. I felt like I had answers and I could fix it on my own. So, I stopped going. + +A few weeks later I relocated to be with my boyfriend over 100 miles from ‘home’ and from my Doctors. But I felt great, my mind was distracted by all the new things going on I felt happy and normal for once. Boy was I wrong!! Once everything had settled down it hit me and hard! Self-harm was on my mind ALL the time! It still is but since moving to a new house I feel like the change is distracting me right now and everything will come back once I am not so busy. I also feel like I am not good enough and that I am alone despite having an amazing boyfriend and a great job. + +I know that I need to go to my new doctors and get some help but at the same time I don’t want to because I am scared! I don’t know much or anything about the treatment for being Bipolar but if the road is as rocky as it was when I was being treated just for depression I am not sure I could cope. + +I promised my boyfriend I would try and get help, and in my mind, I want to but only when I physically can’t. Like the middle of the night or on a weekend. + +I need help to overcome this by someone who understands how I am feeling but no one does ? + +TL:DR After an attempted suicide I tried to get help and for years nothing worked, I tired therapy and medication. I finally found out I am bipolar, but I relocated before I started treatment and can’t bring myself to go to my new doctor to get treatment. Need advice from someone who understands.",Bipolar +45427,"72 hours without sleep so far. Need tips. Advice. I just read this on another post. “Rescue drug” is a great term when describing benzodiazepines. Vodka is also a rescue drug. That’s what I use. I was going to switch to another “Rescue drug” until I read that. I’ve just realized I could be bipolar recently. Doc prescribed an anti-depressant and I haven’t come down yet. I am now 72 hours without sleep. But, in all fairness when I was revving up I decided to binge drink for two days. I’m not freaking out. I’m just completely unable to close my eyes. I am also full of anxiety. I’m sure this is what smoking crack / meth / cocaine would feel like. I also have been unable to eat or drink. I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow. What can I try in the mean time? I’ve been watching documentaries. Reading. I’ve been getting rushes of feel goods that make my hair tingle. Adrenaline? Maybe? I’ve had way worse episodes on alcohol than just dealing with anxiety by itself. Or depression, but this is very, very, different side effect with this anti depressant. Thank u in advance. ",Bipolar +46905,"Made process ln acceptance and combating shame I've always been the type of guy who tried to hide my diagnosis, like if nobody knew it wouldn't exist or something + I just got disability for my Bipolar 1 and have made a lot of progress in seeing myself as equal to others even as someone who has struggled with mental health + I was talking with someone at my gym and they asked me what I did for a living (a question I used to fear extremely since I had to stop working) + I was able to tell the upfront truth to them that I was getting disability for problems with mental health. I wasn't hesitant with the truth, didn't downplay my diagnosis or make a cheap joke about it. + I know for others to accept me, I have to accept myself, I've made a lot of progress in that regard, it may be the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time +",Bipolar +46810,"Are the meds making me sick? What if? I am starting to wonder if all those meds are just making me sicker than I was to begin with. +I just want to be off of all of them - and I know, a lot of us feel better and decide to stop but I am actually not feeling better right now - and live my life. Maybe I am just an emotional person with anxiety. Do I have to be medicated for that? All the side effects, are they worth it? +How long does it take for your body to go back to normal / regulates itself when you stop meds? +I am not thinking of stopping cold turkey or without consulting my psychiatrist but really considering being off medications. +Thank you for the feedback! ?? ",Bipolar +50327,"Psychiatrist belittling me First time poster on this sub, but I feel like I need support. Sorry for the format, I am on mobile. + +I feel like my psychiatrist at my most recent appointment was talking to me in a way that made it feel like I was being stupid or taking myself too seriously on what my problems could be. + +I'm diagnosed with a mood disorder and my previous psychiatrist strongly suspected I may be bipolar due to the symptoms I experience. I've been open and shared a lot of my issues with my psychiatrist, but he doesn't seem to care. + +What really grinded my gears though was him saying ""well I'm not sure if you really are bipolar because you don't show one of the most common symptoms which is the lack of need for sleep. And I don't mean only needing 5 or 6, I mean more like 2."" To which I had to tell him that no, I have had that back in high school most prominently. I never was diagnosed with bipolar and didn't know what it was before I started my mental health journey, so at the time I didn't think much of having little to no sleep when younger and figured it was normal to go a day or two without sleeping. + +To which he asks me ""well how did that change over the course of time?"" It's called forcing myself to get tired by mentally or physically exerting a lot and also becoming a single parent helps with getting tired a lot faster. + + I felt horrible and hurt because it felt like I had to justify to myself that I'm not crazy, that it's not normal to struggle going to bed before midnight, that feeling crazy swings back and forth isn't normal. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I feel like expressing to him how the psych treated me made me feel like I'm being stupid or blowing things out of proportion. I hate this and I hate feeling out of control of my own emotions most of the time, and I just want to be taken seriously. I see now why so many women struggle to get diagnosed; ""it's all in your head"" or ""that's just normal for a woman to be moody"" + +Have any of you ever had this happen on your journeys to getting help with your diagnosis/treatments? I want to know I'm not alone...",Bipolar +49896,"It doesn't get better I changed everything, EVERYTHING. EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF LIFE I CHANGED. I've been to 4 different schools in the past 2 years. I've changed myself, tried to work on who I was, made myself more likable, went to the gym, and started taking care of myself. I've been to 9 different doctors, for different opinions. 7 therapists just to find one I was comfortable with. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FUCKING MEDICATION. I've tried Zoloft, Abilify, Lamictal, Zyprexa, Lexapro, Strattera, Prozac, Seroquel, Risperdal, Xanax, Klonopin, and Ativan. Not to even mention the ""natural"" supplements I tried out of pure desperation. IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. + +The only combination that ""worked"" for me was the olanzapine/fluoxetine combo with Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. That combination bought me a month of euthymia, A FUCKING MONTH before it started to go to shit again. My mood started to decline for NO FUCKING REASON. My life was going perfectly, BUT FOR SOME FUCKING REASON MY MOOD STARTED TO DECLINE. I decided to go off Lamictal because of the brain fog, and because it wasn't helping at that point. Eventually, I went off of olanzapine because of the fatigue. Replaced it with quetiapine but that didn't do shit. Got hospitalized because my depression was getting out of control, I went out with hope for the first time. I got discharged on January 28th, wasn't really doing well but I was hopeful, by February 8th all that hope AND MORE was crushed. Attempted suicide, and spent another 3 days at the hospital but refused to get admitted to the ward again because they were completely fucking useless. Couple of weeks later had a mixed episode because quetiapine wasn't working for me like olanzapine was. My life was completely beyond repair after the episode, completely over. Just completely over, no way it was ever getting better after that. Went back to olanzapine and here I am. + +As I said, my life is over. This illness has defeated me. It's been a month and it hasn't gotten any bit better. My mood chart looks like a flat line, I haven't had a single mood that wasn't awful in the past month and a half. No one cares, people don't care that they've hurt me. Everyone has moved on, but I'm here. I don't know why I'm here, like I said, it's over. I cry myself to sleep whenever I can. I avoid almost everyone except for a few close friends who don't even know what I'm going through. I don't want to tell them because it just ruins everything. I believe all people are inherently assholes, its in our nature to be selfish. I deserve to suffer like this, not because Im me but just because im human. Every human deserves this and more. + +Even if I were to get better, I would still be awful. My doctors and I have practically given up on trying to treat my anxiety because I don't respond well to the medication(obviously SSRIs induce mania). It's over. It's over. It's over. It's fucking over",Bipolar +46451,"It feels like my life is falling apart. Any time I try to make a name for myself or pull myself back from the brink, it all seems to fall apart. I'm not necessarily afraid of failure, but it seems like that's all that can happen to me. It's getting really hard to keep going when all I'm ever met with is disappointment. + +I'm caught in this stranglehold: the manic side of me sees all this potential and what I can be if I put my mind to it, but I always fall short and that just further verifies what the depressed side of me feels(that I'm not worth much of anything and I have no real way of making my life better.) + +It leaves me with no motivation to even try to do better because it's always ended the same way. + +I feel like I'm running out of time to get my life in order and I don't even really have a clue what to do with my life. + +I've been trying to just take the bad with the good but I just keep wondering when the good is going to come and it just makes me so damn disappointed with myself. + +Nobody has to reply or anything I think I just wanted to write all this down somewhere to try and get me to stop ruminating over my life",Bipolar +46913,Lithium solo treatment? Recently my doctor is pairing back my anti-psychotic so I will soon be solo lithium. He upped the lithium a bit to curb any discontinuation mania and I’m a week into tapering off. Anyone who is solo lithium with good experiences? Looking for a little encouragement and any advice if you have it! ,Bipolar +45991,"How did the whole diagnosing process work ? Do you feel like it made your life better or worse ? Someone whose opinion I care about told me recently that he thinks I should go see someone and get medicated . It started kind of a big fight , and at the time I was really angry because I didn’t think he understood what was going on . I took some of the meds they would probably start me on when I was a teenager because of these seizures I was having , and I told him I would literally rather die than take them again and feel the way they made me feel again . I hated being in a fog all the time , not feeling anything at all ever , the weird side effects . He tried telling me that I could tell them that and that it didn’t have to be like that again , but all I heard was ‘ you’re being over dramatic and crazy’ . Which isn’t really fair to him . I’ve never been professionally diagnosed with anything ever , but there’s always been something not right . It’s gotten worse the last few years , more and more intense , to the pint I don’t even believe myself when I say I can handle it myself . I guess if I’m being honest , I’m fucking terrified to even think about getting diagnosed and getting on meds . I’m terrified of not being me anymore , because even when I feel awful and like I’m drowning in darkness I know that I’m gonna get this high again and be ok . I’m scared of getting told I’m crazy . +And I’ve never admitted that before and now I feel more fucked up than before . ",Bipolar +46404,Let’s Talk? Hey guys...anyone down to talk tonight on voice chat or smth else of that nature? Looking for the real human connections I’m so lacking tonight. :(,Bipolar +46254,"Struggling to stay medicated (xpost from r/bipolar2) I was diagnosed a few years ago (bp2) after a long depressive stage and short hypomania. Basically I have a hard time staying medicated. I recognize that it helps make the depressive and hypomanic stages more manageable and my life more livable in some ways. However, there are a few things counteracting this: + +1. I sometimes get this intense urge to cut/hurt myself. It's so intense that I can't focus on anything else, and it makes me very irritable and frustrated. All I can think about is ripping my veins open, I want it more than anything. Theyve tossed around the idea that it could be harm OCD ,but no therapy (ERP) works on it. No idea if it's that or just another facet of bipolar, but it seems to get more intense and unbearable when I'm slightly affected by but not consumed by depression. This plays into wanting to stop medicating because it gets so intense that I'd almost rather be severely depressed. It's like I can't win. + +2. In a sick way, I like feeling extreme emotions. I really can't describe it. I don't enjoy being severely depressed or even hypomanic, and yet I want it. Even the depression. + +3. I think I deserve it. I'm not sad about deserving it either. Rather, I'm angry about it. Angry about not feeling extreme emotions and instead feeling dead all the time, even though I'm still experiencing rapid cycling with only sometimes less intensity. + +Just. I'm fucking mad. All the time. I want to flay my veins and feel all the feelings. And yet I'm sick of it all + +Just, can anyone relate? I don't know how to fix this, or if I even want to feel okay anymore. I'm waiting for a new therapist in February and I'm not hopeful that it will help. Waiting for psychiatrists appt at the end of January, and I dont even know what to say. I'm fucking sick of trying meds and trying to justify side effects...nausea, rashes, 60 pounds gained, lack of focus, constant exhaustion, poor memory. And I'm irritable because of wanting to flay my veins. + +Commiseration or advice much appreciated.",Bipolar +47035,"Needing some help I don't know if this is the right place to ask, and if anyone can help, but I want to know what I can do to help my wife who is having biploar relapse. She came out of the hospital and was better after having our second child, and was fine for years, but now I see the symptoms coming back. + +I've looked all over the net and cannot find a decent resource on how to handle it outside of shoving pills down her throat. + +She doesn't think she has an issue, but I can see it from past experiences. + +I'm more worried about the kids health. I don't want them to see this. + +&#x200B; + +Does anyone know pf any ways I can help her positively?",Bipolar +45403,"2017 was brutal All of my recent med changes were on 2017. Zoloft made me mixed and totally insane, I got lithium poisoning, akathisia from abilify, suicidal from trileptal, suicidal on latuda, depakote didn't work out, haldol wasn't right, too much wellbutrin made me unstable. It's been an almost nonstop joyride. + +I almost hospitalized myself a few times. I've never been before so it's a big deal. I legitimately almost killed myself on 3 occasions. I dabbled in self harm. I had a very rough year. Professionally I didn't get along with my old teaching team and they turned our kids against me. Principal got involved and was on my side, it was ugly. So I finished my first year of teaching and now my second year is going much better but the end of that first year was miserable. + +2017 was not my friend. + +I saw an idea on Facebook to put a note in a jar each week that has one good thing that happened that week on each note then at the end of the year look at all of the great things that happened. I love that idea. + +Here's to hoping everyone has a better 2018. It can't be worse than 2017, that's for sure.",Bipolar +45484,"Really bad new symptom and want to make sure I'm thinking of everything to tell my pDoc. I'm having a really hard time. My brain just isn't working right. I have to type everything I'm saying 2 or 3 times, I've never had a problem with that before. I play hockey and I'm usually pretty good and now I had no idea what to do with the puck. I even missed a pDoc appointment because I couldn't find the office I have been to probably 50 times. I just couldn't work out where it was. + +I'm trying to work out anything that's different or not to tell him. I've not sleeping differently, I'm not taking any over the counter meds, I'm not changing my prescription meds, No dietary changes. + +What else should I think about to tell him? It's been like this for a couple days and I'm really scared. I've been stable for a while and this is the worst I've been in a very long time. + +edit: And now my pDoc is sick and I can't get an appointment until Tuesday. Which is pretty shitty.",Bipolar +46468,"Anyone get thyroid issues from Lithium or other meds? I’ve been on lithium for maybe five years, and recently found out I have a bunch of tiny nodules on my thyroid, even though my thyroid-function bloodwork has always been normal. + +I don’t know yet if it’s related to the meds, but I’ve definitely felt like something’s been up over the last few months- way more tired than usual, super-prolonged PMS cravings/binges, etc. + +Has anyone experienced the same? If so, did your pdoc switch you to another med or add something to your regimen to mitigate the issue? ",Bipolar +46183,"Latuda/Antipsychotics and antidepressants? Is it possible to mix antipsychotics with antidepressants? I take latuda right now and it's made manic episodes go away completely, but I still struggle with depression. My mom takes zoloft for depression and it works really well for her but she isn't bipolar. I was wondering if it's worth bringing up to my psychiatrist about taking latuda and zoloft, or if it will just cause mania? Does anyone have experience with mixing them?",Bipolar +45656,"What's your long term medication plan? Do you plan to take meds indefinitely? I know this sub tends to be pretty pro-medication but the idea of being on them for life seems very daunting. + +It's that feeling they restrict / dumb down in some way, and are likely harmful in the long term. + +Like the idea of eventually tapering off and giving it a go, especially now off the non-legal psychoactives, which were the primary episode triggers.",Bipolar +46105,"BP1 Lithium 4 weeks It's been 1 month since starting lithium I last seen my psychiatrist on day 18 she said that I have responded well which at the time I agreed with although I did say that I feel a little on the flat side she said we might have to put the dose up but she will make that decision next time I see her + +Unfortunately in the 4 or 5 days ago my head has gone cloudy and I feel agitated i did have some mania as well i was just starting to get some relief to after a major 5 month long episode also RLS is back which was caused by trying to start a drug called latuda which was 2 months ago + +Would it be possible that my lithium levels just dropped for no reason? I know they were at 0.57 my psychiatrist said that's about where they need to be btw I take 900mg lithium carbonate SR .. + +Also can someone tell me this crawling feeling at the back of my legs, will I ever be able to go on a low dose of Seroquel for sleep again? + + +Thank you",Bipolar +49988,"I’m regretting so much coming off my meds I’m back on meds just under a week now and feel so so bad, the meds are leaving me heavy, still lingering psychosis more so at night but not as bad and now I feel extremely depressed. I wish I never went off my meds I feel horrible and see no end in sight of this ever stopping, I feel completely alone and back to square one. I’ve put strain on relationships and just not functioning back on meds as I was off them. This illness is a death sentence and I’m hanging on for dear life.",Bipolar +49934,,Bipolar +49906,"NARC PARENTS & CHILD ABUSE Hey guys quick spill just so you get the jist of things ,I’m 19 and ever since I can remember my parents have been narcissists I haven’t always realized this but as I got into my teens I became educated on the subject and I had to accept the reality of things because I was a scapegoat for 1 and 2 its tearing me apart in ways I prayed it would never , but they are technically my aunt and uncle but they adopted 12 kids all the kids are grown up and out of the house now except me im the youngest of the bunch they got my when I was 8 months old cs my real mother was fighting her own demons , my uncle is my real moms brother I quickly learned him and my real mom didn’t really like each other growing up , i don’t know exactly why but they don’t they both have issues but anytime they go around each other they fight but my point is now the house is dysfunctional as heck my aunt that I once saw as literally one of the most genuine beautiful spirited person I’d ever know and it stayed that way until I was about 15 her being around my narcissistic uncle her husband has taken a toll on her and on top of that I know she knew what she was doing she was too good at what she did the charm , but now my uncle is about 57 and my aunt is 64 they took custody of their 3 grandkids one has sensory disorder he is a boy and 11 now another is a now 9 year old girl and a now 17 year old boy the 17 year old is a rascal he has suffered a lot and he doesn’t really grasp life right now which is understandable so he helps them treat me like shit the kids I don’t blame because I know they don’t know any better to treat me like shit because it’s what they see and hear all day and their grandparents are narcissistic people which their delicate minds can fully understand just yet but don’t get it twisted they know when something’s not right they just don’t have the confidence or courage to speak up because they think it’s how life is unless they are getting tourtured physically and can show the abuse and you can see the wounds and maker sure they heal but what about the inner wounds that don’t heal as quickly I can tell you I lived thru being their kid for 17 years cause as soon as I turned 18 and I didn’t act or do what they want me to I was no good to them and I know it didn’t just magically start when I was 18 but this leads me to my point do you believe having a narcissist parent or guardian should be considered abuse or neglectful in a form ?! I do but please share with me I know we need hard moments in life to build character but that shouldn’t be traumatizing and abusive moments that last for years until you “escape” !!!",Bipolar +45542,"Work troubles/starting a new job? I started a job last week. I’ve been in a really stable place for a few months, and if anything I’ve been on the hypo side. Able to be super positive and all that - which is great because my new company is targeted towards a younger demographic and therefore marketing needs to be pretty upbeat and kid friendly. I was SO excited about this job, because who doesn’t want to work in a positive environment where it’s encouraged to be creative and even a little silly with work? + +Well, as expected, I got hit by a wall of depression. Making new friends at the office is tough since I’m so disconnected (the med brain fog doesn’t help). Having a hard time being productive, and generally performing the way I know I can. + +I’ve usually been able to work effectively even through my hardest depressions, but the brain fog is making it near impossible. I honestly feel dumb. + +Does anyone have any advice with this? Have you been there, and how did you get through it? + + +This might be a dumb question, and the likely answer is “you just do”, but I hope someone has a better one. I’m usually able to hold onto the fact that my mood WILL change and things will be better for a bit, but I’m really struggling right now. + +Thank you. + +TLDR: extreme brain fog and depression. How am I supposed to start a new job like this and make a good impression. Sos.",Bipolar +50320,"Ramble about new diagnosis I finally got diagnosed after 10+ years of me having breakdowns and making GP appointments and desperately asking doctors to tell me whats wrong with me. + +It took a mental health nurse to see something was really wrong and she got my seen by a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with unspecified bipolar and I’ve now also been referred for an ADHD assessment. + +I don’t feel any better though. Well of course not, nothing has actually changed. I have been taking Lamictal but not feeling any positive effects yet. + +I had been told for years it’s depression, anxiety and one doctor said it sounded hormonal. I thought that I would get better. I thought that I would recover and live a healthy, normal life. I feel like I have to mourn the idea of this now. + +I’m not getting much help behind this diagnosis. They say because I’ve never been hospitalised and I manage to hold down a job and maintain relationships I don’t need it. I get it but it hurts. I feel invalidated, confused and alone. + +I managed to get myself a good job at a company I could have only dreamed of working for. I am fucking it up though. I do nothing most days. I’m so consumed by what’s going on in my head whether it’s good or bad. + +I’m going to have to go back to a less demanding job which breaks my heart and I feel if leave it will trigger an episode. I’m scared I’ll impulsively quit one day too like my last 4 jobs. Maybe I’ll get fired first anyway. + +I have an amazing support system and have cut off anyone who wasn’t good for me. I’m also in a loving relationship with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have to fight thoughts about sabotaging these relationships though. They’re so annoying I tell myself but actually I’m just irritable and they really care about me which can be hard to believe. + +Despite everything appearing good to others, I am so chaotic. I’ve stopped pretending now when people ask me if I’m okay. I tell them no, I feel crazy. Everyone tells me I need a routine but it is impossible. + +My life on paper is great and in reality it is too to be honest. It’s boring though. I’ve gone sober too. I feel ungrateful almost. I am the problem and I am losing my mind. I feel like I’ve been fighting the crazy in me for years but I’m exhausted and I don’t want to anymore. I’m sick of doing the right things and what’s good for me. This diagnosis has brought up some scary thoughts like now my insane moods are justified. I don’t need to hold back anymore. I also then think though, if I’ve been able to keep complete madness at bay then I guess I’m actually not that unwell. I just feel like a prisoner of my own mind.",Bipolar +46637,"cycle me out, guys I'm rapid cycling after stability (more or less) for the past year and a half. I know I'm running high and it feels so good that I just don't care. I've ruined my celibacy/sobriety, I can't concentrate on study and I blew off a pdoc appointment that I was really lucky to get because I was hooking up with a coworker. Then the depression comes with the self loathing and I don't care enough to get out of bed and I don't care enough to live, I'm blowing all of the progress I've made during the past year and a half, and I've made a lot. I'm scared guys.",Bipolar +46808,Hormones? I recently went to the gynecologist to complain about my non-existent sex drive. She tested me to see how my hormones were faring before doing the shitty thing and just sending me straight to my psychiatrist and making him deal with it. It turns out that my testosterone as well as my estrogen are low. I have the worst mood symptoms the week before my period and the week of my period. Has anyone had a similar experience?,Bipolar +50406,"Recently diagnosed 24yoF. I was recently diagnosed this past December. Bipolar (and other mental illnesses) runs genetically on my mothers side of the family (i didn’t get to know my mom she died) her sister is bipolar, but she is a very heavy meth addict, so i dont really go to her for advice or support. My dad is one of those people that don’t believe in a mental illness. My doctor has given me a low dose Seroquel/cymbalta combo and it does help 75% of the time. I also started a new job, i used to be a medical assistant, but i honestly think it made my condition so much worse. I think i always showed signs of being bipolar but never recognized them. But when i was a medical assistant i think it made me so much worse. I’m here because is anyone else’s mania miserable? When I’m manic it’s like I’m so overwhelmed with adrenaline. I cant sleep, extreme irritation/rage and horrible anxiety. How have you learned to tell the difference between how you actually truly feel, and when your being irrational? Is it possible to have a successful/stable relationship when your bipolar? Sometimes i just feel like when my feelings are so strong and intense i am such a toxic person and it’s gross, and i want to fix it.",Bipolar +45472,"I think the police are coming Last night I took my normal medication and vitamins for Bipolar I. Then I started the shower on 100% hot. I pulled out. Few other medications - just 2ish doses - and took them. I just wanted to see what it could feel like. I showered nice and hot (I'm a girl so the fires of hell would be comfortable lol), then laid down and listens to my playlist. The steamy bathroom and songs I love felt good. + +My husband woke up at 1am to use the restroom and asked me' ""what the hell are you doing?"" Then moved on. I have been hiding this for so long. Thinking and planning and trying to figure things out. On my way to work he told me to drop my attitude and I lost it and told him everything. Everything I've kept secret for 9 months. I told him my final plan and what I'd done. + +He told me to go home or he'd call the police to my work. So I kept on going to work. He's not my master. But I don't want them to take me. I have a degree in psychology and this isn't my first, or fifth run of this. I know what to say to stay out. But this is the first time a family member has called. I don't want to go. It won't help or change how I feel. I have an amazing therapist, psychiatrist, and Dr. I'm not emotional or desperate. I just don't want to try every day like this. Trying to look and act normal and happy. + +Yesterday my husband and mother in law told me I'm doing a shit job covering it. So what's the point anyways? I can't hide it. No one wants to hear it. I told my husband I want his support, but the only thing he will say is he is calling the police. + +So maybe they are coming, maybe not. ",Bipolar +50206,"Imposter Syndrome and anxiety about learning more about this disorder Hi. This post could be triggering to others with imposter syndrome, so I want to start off by saying that these are my own anxieties, my goal here is to know if anyone else has felt this way and if they've been able to circumvent it. + + +I was officially diagnosed with BP2 by my psychiatrist in the fall, but had previously been diagnosed with a general mood disorder and major depressive disorder, and a suggestion of cyclothymia from a therapist. Bipolar 2 makes sense to me, it tracks with situations and periods of my life where I was feeling unnaturally confident and ""fun"" in a dangerous way, and more often, the periods where I've been unable to get out of bed or the house for weeks. + + +Still, I have this weird fear of learning more about Bipolar Disorder, because there's a part of me that fears that if I read about it in-depth, I might start mirroring symptoms that I don't usually experience. Sometimes this includes even browsing or participating in this sub and r/bipolar2. + +I think being medicated with varied success also plays into that, but I also think that's just a common bipolar experience: you find good meds and then you wonder if you're even bipolar. I feel that way when they work, but I keep on taking them. And then I will have breakthrough depression after years of being more stable on meds, and I wonder if it's a sign that I have something else wrong with me. + + +So, to those that have survived imposter syndrome... How? Is there a way to not be afraid to learn about your own medically diagnosed disorder... Or to just accept that I have this disorder, without constantly questioning myself?",Bipolar +49668,"How to keep from being defined by being bipolar I'm going apologize ahead for punctuation but I will try. I am 43 M luckily been married to a wonderfully patient woman for 20 years, my entire life I have messed everything up including a military career and thought it was just who I am. I have been in and out of hospitals and thought everyone else was crazy, I have been diagnosed and accept that I am bipolar but I don't want it to define me its hard when I hear people around me say ""that explains so much"". How do I keep from Bipolar becoming who I am.",Bipolar +50058,"Fell of meds for a year Was on my cocktail for about a year and a half and slowly tapered myself off with no good reason the last year. I didn’t tell my doctor and have just been picking up my scripts anyways. I decided to get back on tonight. I halved my pills and I’m ready for the fix it’ll set me back on next month. + +I already feel the yucky in my belly + +25(f) just needed to share my secret",Bipolar +46391,"Does anyone get voices in your head that seems like running commentary in various voices? Sorry if I'm not describing it too well.... + +Usually when I get auditory hallucinations they don't sound like they're coming from insidemy head, it might sound as though it's across the room. But recently I've been hypomanic and maybe even going towards manic the past few nights I've definitely been hearing things on and off but tonight I can't control what seems like this constant running commentary. I've been laying trying to sleep for nearly 4 hours so far and keep getting interrupted with multiple random conversation tid bits or shouting in various voices etc. I feel like my brain is going a million miles a minute! + +Anyway I just want to know if anyone else knows what I'm talking about? I hope it makes sense.",Bipolar +45429,"What do you think? (TW: suicide, self injury) [](https://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2018/01/04/artificial-intelligence-to-listen-for-suicidal-thoughts-on-social-media/) + +Apparently, it's being tested in Canada for artificial intelligence to catch behavior related to self-harm and suicide on social media. As a community in which these behaviors are discussed frequently, I'm wondering what you all think of this. + +Part of me thinks it's a good idea. If we can prevent these behaviors, isn't that a good thing? However, part of me is taken aback. Would I be willing to discuss my suicidal thoughts or talk about self injury online if I knew that information might be used to single me out? Not sure. + +Your thoughts? + +EDIT: The '1' superscript above the post should take you to the article.",Bipolar +50258,"Trying sobriety... again I think we all know how drinking goes with Bipolar. It only makes things worse. I used to get drunk every day and had to detox several times before my diagnosis. Since then I've switched to binge drinking like once a week, and it's getting out of control. I'm not taking my meds consistently, my mood is all over the place, I'm paranoid as hell and having near constant panic attacks. So I haven't had anything to drink since Sunday, and I got a prescription for naltrexone which I'm taking religiously. I absolutely hate AA and don't have other in-person options in my area, and I don't want people close to me to know how bad it's gotten again, so I feel really alone in this. I have a great therapist and we talked about it today but if anyone has any tips or general encouragement I'd seriously appreciate it.",Bipolar +46806,"Starting a new job, how to manage sleep changes? First: my current job is making me miserable. I have been working my way out of a depressive episode that started in November but the stress of this job is a major contributing factor to keeping me down. The job pays poorly but is part time and offers health insurance, allows me to work alone for the most part, and I start work at 10. Honestly have no idea how I will get better if I stay at this job because I cannot emphasize enough how much it is affecting me. There is no point in trying to change anything about the job because oh my GOD I have tried. + +&#x200B; + +I have an interview for a temp job that would have me working 8:30-5:30. I am getting desperate to start a new job and earn more money. However, I am really bad with sleep disruption- just a time change can be a trigger for me- and I would need to get up two hours earlier. I have non-manic related insomnia that keeps me up at times, but I have depended on the ability to sleep in to make sure I don't become sleep deprived. Being at work so early feels risky since I can't seem to fall asleep before midnight on somewhat regular basis and it leaves no room for flexibility. + +&#x200B; + +I had been searching for a job that can accommodate my needs for MONTHS with no luck. I'm a little concerned that I may be flipping up since I am having a sudden lack of sleep and am afraid a big change will trigger a hypomanic episode or exacerbate the depression. I have no idea what my options are since all jobs seem to start at the crack of dawn and leave very little flexibility for sleep. But I need money. + +&#x200B; + +I don't know what to do. Advice or support would help. I feel so lost and I don't know what I need. + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +45628,"When do you guys go to the hospital? I know I'm not actually a danger to myself, but I'm so numb and painfully bored and have less than zero motivation, I don't want to do anything at all so I'm laying in bed wanting to die. + +The hospital obviously seems excessive but I'm just so tired of feeling this way and I was wondering at what point have you guys checked yourself in?",Bipolar +49765,"Switching meds, planning pregnancy, and moving across country. Recipe for disaster? For context I have type one and a history of 4 hospitalisations in 7 years. ECT (worked amazingly but only for a while), tried loads of medications and it seems like we've finally found a combo that works. I haven't had a serious episode for over two years now. + +I have a two year old son and, despite the manic episode I had after four days is labour when he was born, he's the best thing that has ever happened to my mental health. I love him to bits even though he was a surprise and I was totally sure I wasn't ready. + +Now my husband and I want a sibling for him. We both never had siblings of our own, so he has no cousins and we both wish we had siblings. We want a baby sooner rather than later because the age gap keeps getting bigger. 3 years difference is ok, but 4 seems like much more to me. I don't know. I've started taking folic acid and we should be ready to start trying to conceive in May. + +We also happen to be moving across the UK for my husband's work in July. If all goes well, I could be pregnant by then. + +I told my psychiatrist this and he told me that my antidepressant, clomipramine, is dangerous to the baby in pregnancy and can cause serious heart defects. He wants to switch me to an SSRI (citalopram), which I've tried several of and they haven't done much for me in the past. Clomipramine worked for me I think because it's also effective in OCD and while I don't have OCD, my depressive thoughts are definitely obsessive. I've been taking clomipramine for since a mild depressive episode I had a year ago and since I haven't had any depression at all and I haven't gone manic either. + +I'm just worried with the move (even though I'm really looking forward to it) and the pregnancy and the medication change might be too much. As a mother, I feel having a serious episode is not an option, but then am I just putting more pressure on myself? Is this crazy? Should I try it or wait another year with the baby? Even just changing medication worries me, but I can't consider pregnancy without doing that first. + +I don't know exactly what I'm asking for here. Reassurance? Sanity check? Advice? Any and all of that is welcome.",Bipolar +45717,"The Valentine’s Day Thread: Celebrating Joy, Sorrow & Everything in Between. Gather 'round and [throw it in the fire](https://imgur.com/a/8ImiJ) for your cathartic pleasure. + +Your go-to spot for walls of text, rants about Hallmark holidays, misgivings, successes...*you* name it regarding this brutal day. <3",Bipolar +45396,Meditation I have been using the free meditation app Oak. I am finding it helpful for clarity. I thought I would just mention it. Hope all are having a good new year.,Bipolar +46424,"is there any correlation between bipolar 1 and how we perceive fear? I cant play scary games or watch scary movies. I want too, and I try too but everytime I do i just get paralyzed by fear and can't move forward or continue watching. It seems so easy for others to enjoy but even though I know it's fake it always seems too real for me. Could there be any connection or am I just a wuss?",Bipolar +50068,"I just randomly can’t stand people They would do something very stupid like so minor but for some reason I get so triggered and I can’t stand them at all. + +Usually I feel this amount of annoyance towards my mom but recently it’s towards my friends + +I can’t stand my best friend right now and I’m avoiding her because I know I’ll be very rude to her if we talked + +Anyone else faces this problem ?",Bipolar +50616,"i just saw my ex that never posted me have his new girlfriends initial in his bio and a highlight for her im feeling the emotions i get when i’m manic. i haven’t been aware of my BP for long. is this enough to trigger a sort of episode? + +i saw the colors around me change, my eyes started watering and i got the feeling in my chest i feel when i’m in an episode. + +i can’t tell.",Bipolar +49532,"Insecure in relationship - TW: suicide I had a serious suicide attempt a few days ago where my bf had to call an ambulance and I was in the ICU for a couple of days. My bf had already been through one (minor) attempt with me 6 months ago. He was really upset this time and told me that if I have another attempt he won’t be sticking around, it has to stop, it’s too much for him. He also said I can’t self harm anymore or the relationship will be done. We’ve talked about getting engaged before, and he says he will need to see me 100% clean for a while before considering marriage now as he doesn’t want to have to get a divorce if I relapse—he is full on serious about this ultimatum. + +I’ve never felt insecure in our relationship until now. I feel threatened, I can’t guarantee that I won’t have another attempt or self harm relapse for the rest of my life. He is the sweetest, most supportive, loving and caring bf I have ever had and I want spend the rest of my life with him, but now I feel like it’s inevitable that I will lose him. I feel heartbroken already. I’m scared of losing my person. + +Any advice or words of comfort are welcome. I just needed to get this off my chest.",Bipolar +46870,"how the fuck do I get my diploma without losing my mind Hi guys. I'm in my first semester of my history degree. Love my classes and everything has been great so far, except for the fact my bipolar brain is doing its best to make everything as hard as possible to me. + + +I really don't wanna ruin this (too much), as studying what I love is really what keeps me motivated every single day. I've been keeping track of my mistakes, figuring out what I can do in the future so I won't let them get the best of me again, but as you all know, it's never that easy. Not being familiar with my reactions to this new environment is definitely the worst part of it. + + +What I wanna know is, what were your experiences like? I need to know there are people out there who made it. Maybe there's something I can learn from it. I don't know. I wish there were other students to talk to in real life, who are in the same situation, but I'm not close to any, so... Yeah. ",Bipolar +46667,"Dealing with fatigue, anhedonia, and cognitive impairment? I’ve been having these symptoms, I guess symptoms of depression, and I don’t know how to deal with them. Part of me wants to take a low dose stimulant medication... but I’m at risk for mania and psychosis. I just wonder if anyone else deals with this, how they deal with it, do they talk to their doctor about it? How do you talk to your doctor about it? What if doctors don’t take you seriously? My GP and psychiatrists haven’t taken this side of things seriously, and it’s been going on for years. I’m 33, not employed, not in education, not in a relationship, nothing going on in my life, no motivation, I struggle to focus enough even to have a conversation (I struggle to find words), I can’t focus on cleaning and don’t have the energy for it, and this has been going on for years. + +What makes this more pressing is that my mom is in poor health, her memory is failing at an increasingly rapid pace, my family’s financial situation is increasingly dire, and I need to step up and take on much more of our shared burdens. I do receive SSI disability but I never worked long enough for SSDI so it isn’t much, and not enough. My brother is also mentally ill and not working. My mom has been carrying all our burdens her whole life but it’s time for her to be in retirement and focus on her own wellbeing. + +What can I do? I feel like I’m missing that part of me that cares about getting up. My energy is almost bedridden level, like someone who has a serious physical disease. The GP tells me I have slight anemia (and I take iron pills) but otherwise they say nothing is wrong. + +I took like 2.5 milligrams of Ritalin the other day that I got from a friend, after my dad berated me about not doing anything. After that, I felt a little jittery but was able to get up and walk around, and I even went to the gym the next two days in a row, and did some basic chores around the house. I had better days than I’ve had in a really long time, and didn’t really suffer any side effects (besides some initial jitters)... But I know that this is playing with fire. Before my bipolar diagnosis, I had a prescribed stimulant for a while to study, and while it helped me study (and clean), I also dealt with huge amounts of anxiety, anger, and possibly a mixed episode... (idk how I would describe it... very agitated, speedy, anxious, angry mental state though). + +I’m very conflicted and confused, because I need something to change for me. I have a psychiatrist appointment today, and I just feel like the fatigue, anhedonia and cognitive impairment is a huge issue for me, but I’ve been trying to communicate this for years and don’t know how to. My GP is passing it to the psychiatrist, and psychiatrist is just giving me antidepressants that aren’t helping these specific symptoms (they do help my mood and anxiety though). Anybody else’s experiences would really help!",Bipolar +46209,"How FMT cured my Bipolar 1 Disorder (fecal microbiota transplant) Hi all. I experimented with home FMT under the guidance of my excellent psychiatrist. It was a phenomenal success. After 18 years of hell: continuous unrelenting and completely debilitating depression, interdispersed with frequent psychotic/ manic episodes. I had been hospitalised over a dozen times and had extremely low functionality. Then in November 2016 I started home FMT. No improvement for 3 months, then I experienced an exponential decrease in all my symptoms. Within 6 months I was 100% symptom free, and was so well my psychiatrist agreed to take me off all medication. That was 14 months ago and I'm still 100% symptom free. No depression in any level for 19 months, no mania for 14 months. My intense anxiety and social phobia has completely disappeared. My stress tolerance is still increasing. I am now a highly functioning completely well person. It was miraculous. There is currently a clinical trial underway in Canada headed by Dr Valerie Taylor of the Womens College Hospital trialling FMT for bipolar depression. My psychiatrist is soon to write my case study up in the Australian New Zealand journal of psychiatry and ill soon be featured in a feature length documentary. Here is a link to my story on Australian National TV. since then (June 2017) I've also been able to lose 18kgs. The weight was a side effect of the anti psychotics I was on which I am gratefully no longer on. Targeting the microbiome to treat mood disorders is the medicine of the future... the near future. https://youtu.be/GMjy5yEhZ5Q",Bipolar +46442,"Feeling flat from meds While on medication I always feel flat. No motivation, no creativity, no desire to do anything. How do I deal with this?",Bipolar +46634,"[tw suicide] If I never kill myself, all of this planning will have been such a waste There's probably a better way to think about this, but I'm having a hard time seeing it right now. I'm pretty sure I never feel this way when I'm ""up"", but at the moment, it feels like I've invested so much time in considering methods and logistics (off and on since I was 13) that it would be a shame not to actually do it one day. Won't it have been such a colossal waste of time otherwise?",Bipolar +46812,"Do you do cocaine to cope with the lows? My PDOC is much more afraid of me having a manic episode with psychosis, than he is about the lows of depression, so he never prescribed me any anti-depressants, even when I was on Olanzapine tired all the time, he would not give me any stimulant which eventually led to me being let go from my last job about a year ago. Today I got some bad news regarding other job opportunity on different continent I was looking forward to... feeling down, I've reached to my stash and had some white nose powder, how about you and a drug habit? Do you self medicate with illicit substances?",Bipolar +46332,Art Therapy as part of your treatment? Does anyone have good/bad experiences with art therapy in terms of using it to treat your bipolar?,Bipolar +45789,"Alcohol causing instability? Does anyone else experience depression after drinking? Even if it’s only a beer or two? I recently stated clawing my way out of a bad depressive episode and was on a roll of 2 days pretty stable until I drank last night. I only had one beer, but it made me so tired I had to take a nap and then boom; wake up not feeling great. Ruined the rest of my night because I just lost all desire/pleasure from doing things. Now I feel this apathetic mild depression just sitting there today and am worried its going to stay for awhile. Do I need to just give up alcohol? ",Bipolar +46175,"Can you relate to this type of psychosis/paranoia? +I have BPD (borderline) and OCD. I also think I have some bipolar symptoms although I'm not attempting a self diagnosis or asking for one, I'm just curious if people here can relate to these experiences. +I'm 21 now, and when I was 14 while being hospitalized I went through a time for months - years where I was convinced I would be some sort of Steve Jobs/Elon Musk type figure. I'm pretty sure I was manic/experienced grandiose delusions. I can see this now, but sometimes still have these kind of experiences, it's like I'm looking for the ""ultimate purpose"", or ""meaning to my existence"" and it feels pretty great when I feel like I've found it for a bit but it doesn't stay that way consistently. Idk how to describe it exactly but kind of like there's a missing puzzle piece, sometimes I think I've found it and feel very driven, other times it feels like the puzzle is in disarray. Also I'm curious to hear from anyone who knows what it's like to dissociate, sometimes when I dissociate I'm just completely numb, but other times I think there's hints of mania... where I'm stuck in my head/dissociated but planning and ruminating frantically at the same time. +Also things like lack of sleep/drugs/stress often give me extreme paranoia, normally not lasting long (but sometimes months). I was concerned at one point that I might have been part of a government mind control/illuminati thing(and I'm still not completely sure I'm not). I've only once had an experience that I guess is a more obvious break from reality, where I heard voices mocking me.. +Thanks if anyone took the time to read, would like to hear thoughts",Bipolar +46256,"New here and seeking advice I’ve been on a mix of 1mg Clonazepam, 75mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor), and 200mg of Lamictil (god I hate spelling these) for about ten years now. I had a suicide attempt about four or five days ago now. While I was in there, a psychiatrist decided to take me off of the Effexor and onto Latuda (40mg) instead. Is there anything I should expect? I typically drink 3-4 times a week, though I won’t be for awhile, and smoke pot everyday. Today was my second dose and I’m afraid to go outside or do anything until I know how this affects me. I’m sick (bi-polar II) and I truly want to get better. Any advice you guys can offer me? I found this sub late last night while searching for other resources. This seems to be a place that I can speak freely and get legitimate answers. Thank you all. ",Bipolar +49592,"Childhood BP symptoms Lol so i have no one I know who has bp and i don’t feel like telling them this in risk of them thinking i’m literally insane. + +I just found out symptoms can pop up as early as 6 years old?? In middle school, i was about 12 ish, Id be in gym class and always see these flashes of lights, and then started seeing them elsewhere. I was convinced it was angels trying to talk to me that I was special or smth. I’ve always dismissed it as stupid child shenanigans but it probably wasn’t. I love being able to look back on things i thought we’re normal and find out they’re not.",Bipolar +50109,"Been feeling depressed and have been saying suicidal thoughts out loud I won't act on them, but saying them out loud more has made my boyfriend concerned. It's been a very rough week for me and I am so wound up. I just say them to vent out my frustrations, but I get that it's not normal. My medication had not been effective and I think it's time to make a change but I'm scared of the switch messing with me and I get those auditory or visual hallucinations again. Just letting this thought out so thank you for reading if you have",Bipolar +50427,"Finally in Remission Hi everyone! Got back from a trip to Denmark last Friday and currently hypomanic at home. It was a rough week but I’m interested in support right now. + +I’m doing fine meaning I have my family and friends around me. I‘ve been on meds for 11 years but I missed them twice in Copenhagen and drank because I was anxious. I went solo after being sober for 5 months. I’ve never been to Europe before so it was all a bad combination. Now I know my trigger for drinking: anxiety. I see my therapist on Monday. + +I’m being told I’m doing everything right but I still get scared it will be as bad as my last episode.",Bipolar +45897,"Bad Generic Lamictal So I've been taking the teva version of lamictal for years and it's been very effective. However, apparently the workers went on strike and other companies are having to make it. The pills I'm getting now are completely useless and may actually be making things worse. I've told my doctor and he's doing what he can (I've been going to him for 14 years and I know he'd never try to screw me over, so I trust him), but I am falling into a huge hole and my anxiety is kicking hardcore. I've been searching for any news about when Teva is gonna start producing and shipping again because I can't live like this. Changing medications is simply not an option here +:( I should also mention I'm in college so I'm under sore hard core stress right now + +So, is anyone else having this problem with the generic?",Bipolar +50319,How did you get on the path to normalcy? I don’t think I have the drive or energy to want to get better. I live in absolute squalor and don’t even care. Even when I’m happy I don’t do things that normal people do to maintain their life. What am I supposed to do if I literally fail to do anything,Bipolar +50308,My manic episode that revealed I had bipolar I have had a bitch of a time with mood swings for the past 5 years and I’ve always white knuckled it out of partially shame and partially not realizing that wasn’t normal. I quit smoking weed and didn’t sleep for 2 weeks and went on a spiritual powwow and got arrested for breaking and entering. It was at this point I realized I was not on a mission from God and then it got really scary because I went into psychosis while I was in the jail. And I got pepper sprayed so I was laying on the floor choking and having no idea what was going on. But luckily I didn’t die and now I know that I need latuda,Bipolar +45777,"Dx young as Bipolar. Worried about having kids. I would love to be a mother. I’m 27 and already know who I’m spending the rest of my life with. When his family makes comments like, “when are you going to have kids?!” I cringe internally. I can’t imagine going off my medication in order to have a child. I also have a career. The idea of tapering off my meds, which could render me as a potential harm to myself, is just not possible. Have any bipolar moms on here considered a surrogate? What was your experience like? Did you have children while on your medications? These questions keep me up at night. My fiancé is extremely supportive and even tells me it doesn’t matter even if we have to adopt. I want a child, but I just don’t know at what cost. ",Bipolar +49526,"Is it possible to turn your life around if you hate every waking moment of it. After finally coming to terms with the fact that mania has ruined everything good I’ve worked so hard for in my life, I’m recommitted to bettering myself. Only issue is I keep comparing my current situation to the past when tunings were good. + +I really want to graduate college. I do. I went for three years. However, now, I cry after every class and have panic attacks at the thought of having to do the work and/or study to get through it. Not to mention that my program of study is going to take 2.5 years to complete and I have no motivation. + +I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m miserable if I just sit home and do nothing and I’m miserable when I go out and actually try something. Advice?? 😞",Bipolar +45704,"I can't stop eating granola! Since August I've been eating granola non stop. It's pretty much my only sustenance. I would go through a bag/box of granola in a day, easily. I feel like my teeth are about to fall out of my head. Anyone else obsessively eat the same thing over and over again?? ",Bipolar +47012,"It's my cake day and I just want to send love to the kind and wonderful people of this sub. Hang in there, everyone. I grew up with a toxic family, was depressed on and off since I was a kid, life-long ED, trauma, bipolar 2, med-induced psychosis, MASSIVE episode that lasted 2 years... now I've been stable for over a year and it is like nothing I ever dreamed of. It took me 3 years to get my meds right and 2 rounds of DBT (plus I've been in therapy for 5 years and counting) to learn how to regulate my emotions and cope in general. It's a long haul but it's possible. + +I'm not cured and I'm still dealing with some shit. I probably always will be. But I think I can actually do this. I think a good life is actually be possible for me. + +Not to be nauseatingly positive (I know that can be hard to palate) but... I think a good life is possible for you folks too. I'm sorry you (we) all have to deal with this nightmare of a disorder. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.",Bipolar +50201,"Experiences with low dose antipsychotics? I take 50mg of seroquel every night for sleep and I am convinced it’s working as an antipsychotic as well! It’s the only antipsychotic I’m on. + +Has anyone else had a similar experience with a (very) low dose antipsychotic?",Bipolar +46298,"About to start day program. I'd like some advice So I'm going to this clinic about 500 miles away from home. I picked this one because my dad went there and made tremendous improvements in his mental health. Seriously, night and day. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to go, but I am nervous as fuck. + +First of all, I have some substance abuse issues but I'm afraid to bring them up because I'm afraid they won't treat me for my bipolar, just for my addiction. I think they go hand in hand, but if I could get some help managing my bipolar I think my problems with substances would start to fix itself. I could be wrong. Will they refuse to treat me if I fail their drug test? + +This clinic has a heavy Christian influence. One of their main goals with the program is to rekindle your relationship with God. I don't feel great about this because religion use to play a big part of my paranoia and worries. I've separated myself from organized religion over the last few years and that has helped. However, I'm afraid all the preaching will rekindle my fears and anxeity over the issue. + +Finally I'm nervous because I feel like this is my last chance to get better. I've done quite a few programs and this is kind of a drastic step. For me to go, it's expensive and time consuming and is going to put my girlfriend and step kids in hard spot. I feel terrible I even have to go but if it doesn't work, I can't imagine how I'll feel. I'll have wasted everyone's time and put the people I love most through it too.",Bipolar +45914,"as my gujurati jain friend wants scientists to investigate this would taking any nootropics induce OCD intrusive thoughts, intrusive photographic visual images and how to get rid of them? if someone can help out my friend i would appreciate it His weight is 180 pounds, he is Gujarati Indian , he is 5 foot 11, he Can certain nootropics induce OCD euphoric intrusive unwanted thoughts during years of development?Please look at the nootropics below he took andhe is trying to find a cureI took all of these in seperate order. He never took them all at once ..he took the following but not in order. He suspects prl 8 53 induced it or ganja, piracetam, lexapro, modafinil, tianeptine, aniracetam,phenylpiracetam, oxiracetam, shankhpushpi, noopept, semax, selank, colouracetam. ashwaghanda, deprenyl, weed, alcohol, cdp choline, vinpocetene, forkolin, cordecyps mushroom,gotu kola, magneisum l theronate, mucuna pruiens extract, 5htp, n acetyl cystine prl 8 53, reishi powder, theacrine, vitamin d 3, 7 8 dihydroxyflavone, nicotine solution, and sulbatimine.""",Bipolar +49842,"purpose? will to live???? being in a low is getting pretty tiresome. Especially with PMDD on top of it all. I’m pretty self aware and tell my partner to hide “dangerous” things in the house when I’m heading into the low. When I’m in it I just can’t believe any of my beliefs ie: “everything happens for a reason” lol + +I used to think I had a lesson to learn, I’m on earth for a reason. Why would I be given a lesson that’s so hard? + +Does anyone else feel this way? +Or does anyone have something extremely enlightening to add? +Thank you friends x",Bipolar +49554,"How do you accept life the way it is? I feel like I’m never going to have an actual support system or a life worth living. I’ve been homeless for almost a year. Finally got connected with a psychiatrist but he prescribed seroquel and I’m terrified to take it because of the weight gain. + +I don’t have any real life friends and my bf is great but doesn’t fully understand how bad it is inside my head. + +I don’t know how I’m ever going to not live in my car because every time I have some money saved something happens. + +I guess I’m just venting because I have nowhere else to talk to people who may understand. + +Update: found another organization that works with homeless people here so I just completed registration paperwork for that. They also provide mental health services so I’m hoping they will be able to help",Bipolar +47084,"Short episodes triggered by something trivial? I know that’s a symptom of BPD and there’s a chance of comorbidity of BP and BPD, but I really don’t think I reflect the symptoms of BPD. No doctors have suggested it and I’ve read through the detailed description and nothing matches. The one thing that is similar is I’ve had mood swings that may last the span of a few days (elevated or mixed for a day/half a day and then sometimes depressed the three to four days following). This happens maybe 5-10 times a year for me. + +Most of my high and low episodes will last one to three months, but I do have these so called mild “blips”. Most are relatively mild and controllable, but some are worse than others. + +I write this because something trivial happened the other day and then I started to feel the hypomania coursing through my veins. Racing thoughts, impatience, the need to get rid of the intense energy. I felt the need to scream and I don’t know how to describe it, but you know when you’re just looking around you having those racing thoughts and you just feel a little crazy and a little scared? + +Does anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +49556,"How soon do you tell someone you’re starting to date? I am currently in the process of getting divorced but looking towards the future and getting back in the dating scene I realized I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing! My ex-husband was with me when I was diagnosed so it’s never something I had to really “tell” him about. + +I have bipolar II and overall it has been fairly well controlled until recently in going through this divorce. I had a severe (for me) hypomanic episode followed by a severe depressive episode but now am back on meds, picking up the pieces, and getting back to a feeling of normalcy. I know that the stress of dealing with my addict ex plus the stress of the divorce absolutely contributed to the severity of these episodes so I’m hopeful that moving forward I will continue to be well managed. + +My concern is that in dating someone, eventually I would want them to know what I’m dealing with, but I understand people who would not want to be with me due to this condition. Obviously telling someone deep mental health stuff on a first date would be off-putting but I’m just wondering if any of you have found a good way to handle this appropriately?? Thanks in advance 😊 you all are amazing.",Bipolar +46780,"Medications I'm wanting to talk to my doctor about going off my meds, I don't want to take them anymore. The problem is, I don't think my family will support this decision",Bipolar +46623,"Shocked, Embarrassed & Ashamed Hello everyone, my first time ever using Reddit. I was first diagnosed with severe depression at the age of thirteen. In 2017, I was told that they have misdiagnosed me and I am bipolar with insomnia and anxiety. I was told that my medication is very important to keep me regulated and without it could be dangerous for my life. I refuse to take the medication because of the feeling zoned out like a zombie, incapacitated and no ambition. The breakup I experienced in 2017 seemed to have an impact on my mental health causing me to have rages of anger and outbursts verbally and physically (breaking things, throwing and punching anything). Recently, I have been going through overwhelming troubling events that caused me to lose everything, facing homelessness, out of my control, no family support, no job, no money, pushed away friends, and no where to go. The person that I've been dating could relate to having bipolar and understand, but I managed to destroy it. Rages are heightened and outburst increasing. I've done something that brought me so much shame, embarrassment and shock. Two days ago on Instagram, I uploaded seven videos of me and in those videos I was having a manic tantrum attack. At that moment and in the mindset I was in didn't realize that I just showed my mental illness for the world to see, I just snapped. My inbox and notifications were sounding off rapidly like a person ring the doorbell. I snapped out of that trans and watched the videos and I immediately removed them. I turned my phone off for the day. Throughout the day my mania were in and out and I haven't slept since that day. Well this is who I am and wanted to share. Thanks!",Bipolar +46567,"Generic Abilify has become too expensive. Any suggestions for an alternative? I'm in the USA and my generic Abilify is now $30 a month (up from $5) through Medicare. I also have the ""Extra Help"" program for those familiar with it. I'm on disability and on a very tight budget. +It's been a good mood stabilizer for me but I need to explore cheaper alternatives that are NOT Seroquel with my pdoc. +Any suggestions that I can look up prices for and ask my pdoc about? +PS it really sucks that the US has such a shitty Healthcare system that I'm being priced out of a med that works for me.",Bipolar +49861,"Acne from litarex Does anybody have any good tips on how to deal with acne as a side effect from the psych meds (lithium)? +I feel like I’ve tried everything, and maybe I should just accept it but… man I miss my clear skin",Bipolar +50122,"What country are you in and what treatment are you receiving? I'm curious about how doctors in different countries approach bipolar treatment. I'm in the US and I'm taking 200 mg of Lamotrigine daily. My psychiatrist recommended talk therapy but I declined due to cost. He also prescribed Adderall but I couldn't tolerate it due to insomnia. + +I sometimes do CBT workbooks, and I'm in a DBT Skills Training group. These were never recommended by a doctor but I think they help. + +Edit: Adderall was prescribed for my ADHD diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder with generalized anxiety and obsessive compulsive features, but I was never prescribed a medication for this condition.",Bipolar +46153,How do you cope with mixed hypomania? Help please,Bipolar +49588,"Lost possessions during mania I have lost so many of my dear possessions (watches, cameras, plants, clothes etc.) during my manic episode one year ago. I find it extremely hard to move forward from this as I am still a student (in Germany) and have very few possessions anyways. Any advice?",Bipolar +50341,New here and need some advice possible mania? Hi I’m new to Reddit and have been using Facebook and tiktok as my resources besides reading articles about bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed 6-7 years ago with bipolar 1 and I’m still trying to figure it out. Been off and on with my meds. (Currently off with approval of psychiatrist) I’ve been trying to figure this out still. It’s hard but I’m still trying to figure out my mania. Right now I feel like I’m making risky choices. Like playing with fire with my marriage and sex life. Is infidelity part of mania. I know I’ve heard and read many different things on mania and I know some people on the pages have struggled and this is why their marriages fail and I feel I’m at risk with mine but I miss this risk part which is why I think I want to play with fire? I just need some advice on what you guys do with your mania highs? Or if this was normal?,Bipolar +46761,"Bipolar with No Friends Can someone tell me what it is like to be bipolar with no friends? Maybe we can relate. Because I don’t really see my symptoms much because I’m mostly by myself. And tbh i am sad about it but simultaneously, I rather not expose myself because I don’t want anyone to deal with that as well. However, I’d like to know you see your symptoms? Or, is there anyone out there like this as well? Sometimes, I get confused about it all..",Bipolar +45583,"How do you know you've got a case of the rapid cycles? Fairly new to my diagnosis (BP2) and I'm currently on lamictal 25mg heading to 75 as a goal dose. + +I've been having deep sad days followed by not bad maybe I can figure this out days and my daylio is showing a little bit of a roller coaster ride. + +Im wondering - is this what rapid cycling is or am I just wonky cause of the meds or am I just trying to get out of the depression and this is what it looks like?(only been tracking for three months) or am I overthinking it and should just chill? + +Thanks for your insights!",Bipolar +49510,"I’m too tired I am tired of my mental health and doctors visit is and therapy and meds. I hate being stressed out working 14 hours in a stressful job and working my weekends . I’m tired feeling like a failure. I’m tired of feeling invcovoe to feeling nothing. I’m tired of having memeroeiw come back of my spouse hitting me and belittling me. I’m tired of fearing a horrible manic episode ruining my life. + +I hate feeling like some kind of whore. I hate the things I did with my body with others when I wanted help. I hate that I only seem to be out of breath trying to run to just get by. + +I feel like I cannot get out of a cycle. And after trying to take my life at various times, it starts feeling more like not that big of deal to just try again. + +I feel so confused and upset that I have lived in such a closeted way. And when I try to hide all about my sexuality, it is like people can just smell it off me and sometimes just seem to prey on it and come after me for it. + +I’m exhausted. Too exhausted and tired of so many things.",Bipolar +50111,"Jerking in my Sleep Continues I’m not seeking medical advice, I just want to know if anyone has experienced the same thing. With that being said, I am predisposed to developing tardive dyskensia after my first episode that hasn’t gone away in 8 years. + +Now, I’ve had my second episode and I am on Lexapro, Seroquel, Clonazopam, and Lamictal. + +Has anyone else developed any movement disorders from any of these meds or is it just in your sleep when you experience them?",Bipolar +46057,"Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Haven't posted in a while but.... Here goes. + +Quick background: BP1, Lamictal, Welbutrin, Benztropine, Hydroxyzine. + +So, I have a appointment with my pdoc this afternoon.... and I really feel like I need a med change of some sort. Long story sort I went inpatient last year around July for a full blown psychotic manic episode after taking SSRIs for months and not realizing they were in fact driving me bat shit crazy. They kept me in the hospital for 16 days on a CEC, which I think I'd the max without a court order. I went ""home"" slightly less delusional than when I went in, still not well by any means. This subsided as time passed and with med compliance. As I came down I was in a mixed state for a while and eventually wound up crashing into what I was hoping was only a depressed episode, the only thing is that I have not come out of it for almost a year now. Furthermore at this point it doesn't feel like my depressive lows of the past. I feel more detached from life than ever and I am constantly, obsessively plagued by the thought that somehow I will stumble upon some kind of joy that I once understood. I have lost any and all drive that I once had..... Personal Improvement, Professional Advancement, Sexual Intamacy, Intamacy of any kind for that matter, it has all been lost somewhere in the past. It feels like when you misplace your keys and need to get out of the house quickly because you are already running behind for an ""important"" event. Every minute that passes while you look for the keys you know you are falling further and further behind and then you start to regret not making an intentional effort to put them where they could be found after you last used them.... but as they say hindsight is 20/20. Finally you look up and realize that even if you did find you keys at this point that you likely wouldn't make it until after the events concludes anyway, so what's the point in stressing over it now, worry about it tomorrow...... Rinse and Repeat. My life has become a series of repetitive movements, each step trying to make it to the next hoping it will be easier, but it's not. Each night trying to fall asleep and telling myself that I will wake up rested an refreshed to take on the day, but I won't. I don't want sympathy, I don't want attention, I just want to feel better, I truly just want to be well. Whatever the hell that means. + +",Bipolar +49479,,Bipolar +46409,"Anyone else suffer from migraines with prodrome mood swings? If you do, is there a way to tell if it's your mood disorder or an on coming migraine *before* the migraine hits? I always seem to think my sudden mood swings are cause by my bp, and then the migraine hits and I'm like ""okay, that makes more sense.""",Bipolar +50615,"Cold showers Going to try it to help shake this depression cycle. It’s lasting longer than usual and I can’t afford to let go all of my progress. My usual go to methods are not stimulating me enough to make the switch. + +Anyone tried cold showers? How did it turn out for you?",Bipolar +45968,"Bipolar or ptsd? Some of the symptoms are so similar, how do you know which one you have?",Bipolar +49711,"Feeling of dread and frustration related to work. Need advice. I'm on amisulpride 150mg, Valproate 1gm and Lamotrigine 100mg, but for a week or so I have this feeling of dread and frustration related to work which makes me not able to go to work. + +I very well know that it's an irrational fear, but I can't get over the strong emotion pulling me from attending work. +Ive tried DBT which hasn't helped. + +Its starting to become frustrating now. Worse still is I've had these episodes since the past few months so much so that I've been to work on and off, and not consistently. + +I work as a doctor in a large hospital. + +Has anyone else felt this way, and what has helped y'all to get out of it? +Is it part of depression or am I doing this to myself? Sometimes I doubt this too.",Bipolar +47047,"Brief mourning period for 4 months of stability Well, it happened again. Hubris is indeed my downfall. + +I tried taking Vyvanse again, at a lower dose than the previous dose that made me manic. And I was OK for about a week before the symptoms started showing up. Namely, lying (about anything) and some risky behaviors. Luckily, not drinking and drugs, but I did take a hit off of a vape pen, which I know is super bad for my brain (no matter how much analog weed I can smoke.) I decided on Saturday to stop taking it. + +And Sunday I blew up. + +We were having a disagreement about how to best spend our day on Sunday. I wanted to stay Very Busy, and he wanted to take his time. Which is no big deal at all and shouldn't have been what set me off. But it did, and I was in the History of Pain. + +My History of Pain is a mindset I get into when manic brain meets remotely challenging parts of my relationship. Suddenly, I am the victim of circumstance and have been forever and will be forever: He doesn't love me, he's shown how he doesn't love me in every action, and on top of that, I don't deserve love for how terrible I am and the terrible things I've done. + +And then I'm hitting myself in the head over and over and over, and bashing my skull into anything I can get my hands on. + +And then it subsides, and I'm crying, and he wants to get away from me, and I don't understand. + +And then it's quiet, and he's mad and I'm still crying, and it seems like I'll never stop and we'll never be happy again. + +And then it's quiet, and he's quiet and I'm quiet. + +And then we're in the car and talking about the news, and all I want is to be held, but that's asking too much too soon. + +I should've trusted my body sooner- there were warning signs that the Vyvanse was going to push me over the edge, and I went willingly. And why? Because Vyvanse would help me achieve my goals, surely, but at the cost of myself and him. + +Everything has a cost, and this cost was too high. Sure, he and I are OK now, but there's the threat of so many next times, and eventually, he'll walk.",Bipolar +45709,"Thoughts on Abilify? Hey all, quick question. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon and he suggested going on Abilify if my anxiety and paranoia don't subside soon. Just trying to weigh the costs and benefits here. I do really need the anxiety to decrease so I can function at work, but my paranoia isn't *that* bad right now. I'm also already feeling tired, foggy and sluggish, and I know that antipsychotics exacerbates tiredness, fogginess and sluggishness even in small doses. + +Anyone here have good experiences with this drug? Bad experiences? Thank you for your input!",Bipolar +46136,"It's not all in my head Along with bipolar, BPD, PTSD, and panic disorder, one of the big things I've been struggling with the past few years is chronic pain. My old PCP wouldn't take me seriously, and kept telling me to take Tylenol and lose weight. + +I had an appointment with my new PCP yesterday and my blood test results came back. My vitamin D is very low and I also tested positive on a blood marker for autoimmune disorders. So, bad news is I probably have something like fibromialga. Good news is, it's not all in my head! I've struggled with pain so much that I really thought it was psychosomatic at this point. + +I cried yesterday after taking gabbapentin. Even marijuana does not take away the pain like this drug does. For the first time in many years, my joints don't hurt, I don't have aches all over my body. I feel like a huge weight is lifted, and I just wanted to share with you guys. I woke up today at a normal hour (I've been sleeping upwards of 14 hours a day for months due to pain/depression) and wasn't in pain for the first time in as long as I can remember. + +I feel like this is going to have a huge impact on my mental health. I've been in a depressive slump for a good year or so, with little blips of happiness. I feel like I can do things and be happy again. ",Bipolar +49913,"I feel I am not capable of working full time even with the perfect conditions I like what I do, I used to work in a good environment (before they found out I am bipolar). Also, nothing extra stressful is happening in my life. + +But for some reason (may be because I have to sit in front of monitor this whole time) I feel I am gradually collecting stress and then getting into phases. + +Right now I am on a long sick leave and I feel such an improvement just doing house work. In the last two months I didn’t get a single episode! (They were happening at least once a month with different duration) + +I am 30 and it feels too late to change my speciality. Plus I don’t speak language of the country I am living - that closes a lot of other job opportunities for me. + +I would gladly be just a housewife, but with current inflation it is impossible for a family to live on one salary only, plus I have to support my mother. Also, in my profession nobody wants a part-time worker. + +Any advices or just thoughts?",Bipolar +50469,"A fascinating thought I had when I was high So I’ve been seeing a new psychiatrist lately because my old one said it’s only bipolar 2, but may or may not be bpd as well but isn’t sure… so I’m seeing a new psychiatrist to get a second opinion and lmao i realised that if it turns out that I don’t have only bipolar but also have bpd, I can finally since the Hanna Montana “I get the besttttt of both worlds “ and truly mean it lol + + +Especially lines like + +“Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun +It's really you, but no one ever discovers” + +“Livin' two lives is a little weird, yeah +But school's cool 'cause nobody knows” + +LOL",Bipolar +50178,"Emotional state question Question for y’all with BP2. Does anyone find their mood being all over the place sometimes? Like you feel fine one day, and then you’re depressed and can barely move the next and the next day you feel better? I’ve had this happening to me and I can’t figure out if this is normal?",Bipolar +46180,"Enjoy life with this one weird trick. Yes, you are bipolar--or maybe you are the SO of a bipolar person. + +Here is one trick that will make 2019 better than any other year has been. + +Quit your addictions. + +Whether it's video games, Netflix, gambling, sex, impulse shopping--quit the things that every other person in your life is telling you to cut back on. + +You know it is holding you back. You know you overindulge in it. + +I am writing this because I am the expert at overindulging. I've probably spent 10,000+ hours or more on video games. + +If something is stopping you from maintaining relationships and pursuing your goals, get rid of it. Burn it at the stake and pour the ashes in the ocean. + +Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. ",Bipolar +46906,"Feeling like I’ve changed so much that my friends don’t find my interesting anymore I don’t know if it’s the meds or not for certain, but around the time I got stable a couple years ago and went on a new med my personality changed somewhat. I used to talk constantly, I always had something to say. I was also a bit of a wild card so people often found me entertaining. + +But now I don’t talk so much and I no longer feel full of energy. There will be times when I hang out with friends and there are long awkward silences. + +I went on a couple dates with a guy a couple weeks ago and he kept telling me that I seemed really tired. I wasn’t. Apparently I’m boring now. + +Just needed to vent. It’s worth it to be stable now but I miss the version on myself when I was unstable.",Bipolar +50640,"In a deep depression My fiancé left me on Monday and I’m in a deep depression. She gave no sign that she was unhappy or anything and just left. I’m suffering badly and don’t want to be here right now. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to her but she wants nothing to do to with me. We had so many plans and dreams with each other. Last week we were looking at places to get married. I’m fucking miserable and don’t know what to do. + +I called my provider but earliest she can see me is the 10th. My anxiety and paranoia are extremely high and I just want my brain to shut off. It doesn’t help that it’s possible I’m schizoaffective disorder and not bipolar. I just want her back and to hear her laugh again.",Bipolar +46355,"Managing bipolar disorder without a doctor Hey there! +My partner is struggling with bipolar disorder for a few years already. But she stopped visiting doctor almost half a year ago and her problems got worse. It seems she doesn't want to start visiting him again in spite of we spoke about it a lots of times and she told me she will. +In case you stopped with your therapy, what did make you to start with it again? I know that as long as she doesn't want to do anything, I can't force her. But I would appreciate an advise if there's at least some way how I can help.",Bipolar +45420,"Longest manic episode? What's the longest episode of mania or hypomania you fellow bipolar reditors have experienced? the reason why I ask is because I'm currently riding an approximate 35 day streak of consistent good days in a row- which is a little bit scary because of the possible back lash it may cause. or perhaps my good days will never end, and this is just what my life looks like now (Ha!)",Bipolar +50261,"Easily set off I just want to start this off by saying that I’m aware that I have a problem and I want to fix it. I am easily set off. I mean really easily. + +There are so many instances where I get set off by small/lighthearted comments. At times I have gone off on people for really small things and it has ruined relationships. This is while being relatively “stable” too. What I mean is, this has been when I’m not depressed or manic. Another thing I’ve noticed is that if someone makes a comment that hurts my feelings, it really hurts me. To the point where I become severely depressed and question why I should go on with life if I can’t do xyz and people don’t appreciate me. There have been 2 instances where friends haven’t responded to my messages right away and I explode. One of those instances was when I was manic. I have ruined those two friendships. + +Lately I have been really good about being able to recognize the feelings that I’m having and sit with them instead of releasing all of those negative emotions. Do any of you experience these things too? Is this just a normal part of being bipolar? If you have experienced this, what has helped you overcome these emotions?",Bipolar +50642,"What to actually do during a depressive episode? Hi! So I’m seeing a psychiatrist for my depression and I might be bipolar. I’m on medication now but it’s not working yet. I have more energy than before, but burned down my studies and social life because of my depression and I still feel like shit. + +I’m not bad enough for inpatient and there’s no intensive outpatient where I am and I barely have therapy. I don’t know what to do, I’m glad I’m not just crying, staring into nothingness and sleeping anymore. However, there’s only so much drawing, reading and bingewatching I can do and I feel like I’m slowly going mad with boredom but I don’t know where to find meaning right now. How can I fill my days in a non-toxic way?",Bipolar +49796,off my meds for two weeks! Its 1am and im so happy right now lol sleep? no fucking way i wanna go work out So what do you guys do when youre wired in the middle of the night? I might go to the gym again tbh it was fun today. I should rest tho before i hurt myself. What kind of drinks help you guys sleep? Or calm down?,Bipolar +49619,"The price of mental and physical health It feels so fucking stupid how expensive it is to get treatment. I also have to get testing done to figure out pain I’ve been having and was told that the MRI would cost me $200 the appointment is at the end of the month. Just had to reschedule all my follow ups because I can’t afford it. + +I just got charged for my therapy and my vraylar too. I work at a firm but I’m underpaid. I tried to negotiate but was shot down. I’ve been looking for a better paying job but even then, with upcoming medical expenses such a physical therapy, pain medications, plus all the bipolar stuff (vraylar, Psychiatrist and therapist) and bills from a recent surgery, I’m feeling like this paycheck to paycheck type of living is my future again this year. + +I didn’t even have enough money for groceries. I can’t save to move out of my mom’s house. Just all of this is doing my mental health worse. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure affords piece of mind. I’m stressed and annoyed at my situation. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.",Bipolar +46060,"Marijuana and bipolar Hello, + +I’ve scrolled for quite awhile and haven’t found a recent or pinned post about this discussion. I have seen mixed reviews/experiences about using cannabis while diagnosed with bipolar. (Specifically bipolar II) + +I’m wondering from people in “green” states (or places marijuana is medicinal/legal) if you are able to stay stable with cannabis medication. Is that even a thing? + +I’ve talked with my psychiatrist about recreational drugs. I’m just wondering from other people if marijuana helps you. (You can’t be taking anything else) + +Thank you +",Bipolar +45650,"A Letter to Me The following is a letter I have written to myself to help me battle intense depression. I write this and add to it when I'm coming from a much better place. If there is one positive thing that has come from this illness it is that the wild variance in mood has helped me gain perspective. + +Dear _______, + +Here you are again. You've been dragged kicking and screaming into the darkness, the abyss, the place where there is only one way out. You barely eat, lie in bed all day but hardly sleep. Ordinary tasks have become insurmountable. Even your bed to which you have been bound is no safe haven. Ideation and contemplation have reared their ugly heads. + +Clear your mind of these terrible thoughts for now. Remember that you have been here before. Don't forget what you have learned. Depression is not your enemy! You are mistaken. This immense weight you carry with you, though debilitating now, is a blessing in disguise. It is a badge of honor, a shield that covers you from head to toe. Take comfort in the fact that you can persevere and survive this as you have done before. And when you leave this place, don't forget to take the shield with you. With it you will find peace in knowing that you withstand anything, because you have been to the worst place imaginable... and survived to write this.",Bipolar +50590,"Different types of mania Maybe this is just me, but I’ve noticed two types of mania I experience that I’ve dubbed ‘empty’ mania and ‘full’ mania. + +‘Empty’ mania (which I’m currently in, in case this is illegible) is like I’m floating and everything’s hilarious and but I also begin to dissociate and question whether I’m real/anything around me is real. + +‘Full’ mania is like my body is too heavy and too alive, and I’m too irritable to socialize with most people without snapping at them, and it’s almost like my body is too big for my skin, if that makes sense, and I feel everyone’s eyes staring into my too-big body. + +Again, maybe that’s just me, but it’s helped me be able to better track my moods like this.",Bipolar +46514,"Does anyone else try to stay home and isolate because it's easier? I prefer to be alone and will avoid social interaction as much as possible. I'm really good at acting like a fun carefree person and because I rant / become overactive when manic people assume that I love to hang out and I have a lot of friends (which I wish I didn't in all honesty because upkeep is really stressful) in reality I hate going out with friends at night now and I'm just not interested in anyone's conversation about their mundane work lives or rocky relationships etc. I do have a few friends I love to talk to and be around, but generally I would rather keep myself away from everyone for fear of being triggered into depression or doing / saying something I shouldn't when manic. +I have a lot of hobbies that require me being alone (writing, drawing, film etc) and sometimes I even get flu-like symptoms when getting worked up about having to go to a bar or concert and stay home ""sick"". People must think I'm the most I'll person in the world at this point. +Does anyone else have this experience ? ",Bipolar +50355,,Bipolar +46606,"Hypomania I can't ignore the red flags anymore! + +It's not just because it's finally spring, that I'm feeling this good. + +It's not just because it's spring, that I'm this active. (I'm getting up at 4 am cause I'm just not tired anymore. I never sit down) + +It's not only happiness, that makes me laugh so much, even though I'm doing really well, generally speaking. + +I have to admit to myself, that I'm hypomanic. I've been riding the high for a couple of days, getting things done, but it has to stop now, before it gets worse. + +I've started dating this guy, that I've wanted to date for years. +He knows I'm bipolar, he just doesn't know what bipolar is, just yet. -Or how it affects me. -And my surroundings. +We were on the phone last night, and i was... Not in control. At all. +He was so confused, and i don't blame him. + +I was at a meeting today, and i could. not. sit still. + +Every spring is the same! + + +April is rough. + +may is soo good. + +June is meh. + +Juli is sweet. + +August is sweet + +September is kinda melancholic. + +October is heartwarming and cozy. + +The rest of the year is fine. + +But spring? Soo sweet and full of promise... + + + +Anywho... Tonight I'm taking my sleep meds on top of my regular meds. That usually stops hypomania. At most, in a couple of days. + +I should have done it yesterday.",Bipolar +46607,"needing validation ive never posted on this subreddit before because i am not officially diagnosed bipolar, but i went from MDD to an unspecified mood disorder in less than a year. some bg: im a college sophomore. the first time i ever went to therapy was march of last year. i started lamictal in december. growing up mental illness was just not a thing to my parents, so i never saw any doctor or pdoc. + +basically, ive had to do and learn everything myself regarding mental illness and treatment. but i think im reaching a burnout. the lamictal is great, however my focus issues, which ill just address as ADHD (i have vivid memories of almost never sleeping during pre-school nap time and instead lifting up our bed mats with my legs, and ive heard my mom say she has it) are still something i don't have treatment for. + + +not being diagnosed with anything as a kid has made this journey incredibly difficult, especially concering ADHD. while ive improved drastically since freshman year (i had a debilitating depressive episode where i ended up with a 0.8 GPA), i haven't made progress with the ADHD. last friday i went to an ADHD screening for testing at my school's psych services office as im required to have the school's insurance anyways. it was the most discouraging experience. + +i told the woman that ive had focus issues and homework issues for as long as i can remember. i told her exactly what my thoughts would be like in a class, my horrible sleep quality, my difficulties around getting my work done, etc. i talked to her about the very recent development regarding my mood disorder. + +she told me that she thinks what i was describing is related to other issues, which were ""out of their scope"" and recommended me to a doctor who has a semester long waitlist for full psychological testing. which would be at least $400, $4,000 if i didnt have insurance. + +last semester i dealt with ADHD by meeting with a professor every week to go over assignments. i got accommodations from a few classes even without being registered with disability services. however, that's not 100% the case with all my classes this semester. i was struggling before that screening but now im struggling even more. i have a test tomorrow morning i have not studied for, not to mention i did not do at all an essay assignment, and i havent done the workbook pages due by the test. i had to ask for an extension for a paper in another class the night before because i hadn't even written it. ive missed meetings and work. + +that friday night i tried to find coke. sunday night i took 5 shots at 1am. monday i bought adderall and took 3/4 of it, and ive never taken adderall before. i have not done anything but stay in bed because the thought of even trying to tackle my immense amount of work is so overwhelming. + +i know it takes a while to get a diagnosis but like i said, i am feeling so burnt out. how many more doctors do i have to see? how many more episodes do i have to go through and other self-destructive behaviour? my family is no help either, my father threatened to not pay my tuition when he found out i was taking meds and refused to tell him. the rest are just invalidating. + +i don't know what to do or figure out what i need to find out. i am so tired of not having anything. my chest literally hurts and im curled up in bed in the dark crying. im sorry this is so long but ive never had the chance or resource to really talk about this stuff honestly that im just letting it all out now. im just desperate for some reassurance and validation at the very least.",Bipolar +46360,"I no longer see this as an illness I was diagnosed 4 years ago after a psychotic episode. Tried many medications to control the swings including Depakote, Lithium, Quetiapine and so on. Nothing worked and I started thinking about that. This 'illness' is not understood in any capacity. No one knows why people get it, no one knows how medication works or if it will work. The medication is proven to be severely damaging to our bodies and often meds stop working all together but are difficult to stop taking due to withdrawals. I'm not anti med in anyway, but I'm anti long term meds. No doubt medication has helped during acute episodes but keeping me on them long term did more damage to my life than good. + +&#x200B; + +I've been volunteering, writing music, walking. If I feel depressed I accept that. I lay in bed and cry, and that's okay I think. I feel much better saying to myself 'you have extreme moods swings, experience them' rather than 'you have extreme mood swings, you need to suppress that as well as all your other emotions.' + +&#x200B; + + I've started looking for alternative ways to bring myself some peace. I have been off medication for two months now and have really enjoyed the lows and highs I've been experiencing. I feel more like myself, I don't have the constant sedation. I've stopped thinking 'why do I feel this way' and just experience my emotions without any judgement or thinking that there's something wrong with me. Bipolar can be a gift, to experience life in ways others cannot. + +&#x200B; + +I think being told that bipolar is a bad thing and it's an illness did me so much more harm than if had been told that i'm ok the way I am, I just need to learn how to experience it whilst keeping myself safe.",Bipolar +50145,,Bipolar +50417,,Bipolar +46660,"DEPRESSION HAS A PURPOSE: HOW TO USE IT RIGHT This text discusses personal experiences with depression and suicidal tendencies. +It is an amended and an updated version. I edited it for mistakes and added a couple of paragraphs alongside with real-life illustrations. If you have already read the first version, just look for the new paragraphs. Thank you for reading. + +I think I know now why I need depressive phases. +By saying that, I don't mean the physical side of depression. This implies fatigue, general exhaustion, increased or decreased need for sleep, the same applies to appetite, drop in libido, decrease in hygiene and general activities. The body needs to recover. It takes time. +What I am talking about is the emotional, intellectual, — if you want — spiritual side of depression. I think I found a purpose of depression on the other side of the coin. +It appears that I grow during these times, because I reflect a lot on the recent events, critically evaluate my actions and decisions, as well as my reasoning behind them. Most importantly, I try to understand my mistakes and to learn lessons from them so that I will never repeat them again. +In all fairness, it is a painful and self-destructive process. Most of the time, it is counterproductive and worsens the state of an affected person with ever increasing speed. It is a vicious circle of being paralyzed, feeling ashamed of it and guilty for own disengagement, inability to find enough energy to at least do things that you generally like (normally, it’s worse: you completely lost interest in the things you like), being paralyzed from shame and guilt, hating yourself for this lameness, becoming ever more disgusted by your own bad smell and a total disaster on the floor and in the kitchen, feeling dizzy and weak at all times, having a hurting back and ass cheeks from spending days in bed, losing all respect for yourself and hope for improvement, wanting to give up and to end the pain. +You are a burden. You are a disgrace. You are worthless. You have no purpose. Your existence does not make any sense. You are a waste of resources. You are a disappointment. Your parents must be ashamed of you. They should regret bringing you to the world. You will never produce anything meaningful. You will never change anything. You mean nothing. You are a lab rat in the obstacle race in an endless labyrinth. You were born a slave to the indifferent capitalist feudalistic world system. You will never find your place in the society. All spots are occupied. Even the untouchable ones. But you are nothing special. You don’t even have the guts to slip down the social ladder and join the untouchables in protest against the system. “Fuck the system” remains just a graffiti on the platform of a subway station. You are a fucking joke. +This is an approximation of the thinking patterns typical of a depressive episode. They dance in circles in your head, every day. They hold hands and take turns in solo parts. They exhaust you. You wake up with them and you go to sleep with them. You cry when you fall asleep. You cry when you wake up. Day after day. +Slowly you develop a real anxiety for answering phone calls. They terrify you. People want something from you. We don’t want that. Opening the mail box becomes a real nightmare. You spend days pursuaiding yourself to open your mail account or to open your post box. You stop answering text messages. You are tired of lying that you are doing fine. You are not fine. +During the depression, I take a pause of silence. I cut my connections to the outer world and go inside myself. I need that time free of background noises and external advice to keep hearing my thoughts. This is the time when I re-evaluate my knowledge and values. Regarding this, three semi-cool metaphors come to my mind. + +Winter tree + +Depression looks like a tree in a night of winter sleep. That very deep and dreamless slumber. Though, how would we know? They might as well watch nightmares, which could compete with the Saw, or I spit on your grave. It is sad and does not bring joy to anyone. To some, it might even look ugly. Sometimes, decomposing fall foliage that cover the decaying human and animal feces with a soft fluffy coat smell bad. I mean, really bad. You better keep on moving. +The tree stops interacting with the surrounding life. Birds abandoned their nests and no longer sing on its branches. It lost all its leaves and stays alone for the rest of the winter. It might appear that it is cold or dead. It is winter that makes its skin harden and darken. It becomes raw and thick. +Or we could look at it differently. Winter can be beautiful. I love winter. It is my favorite season. In Germany, winter is usually gray and wet. The wind is brutal, you don’t want to go outside. The gray sky weighs heavy on your head. You are cold. +On those days, I often must think of winter in Russia. With a nostalgic smile and a sharp wrench in my heart, I see my way home, my parents’ house, a rare artifact of Russian wooden architecture that survived the Revolution of 1917, on a peaceful winter night. The sky was beautifully painted in the darkest and deepest blue. Twinkling stars were magically winking at me. The way home from the bus stop was a thin stamp white trail in the snow. It lied between two snowbanks, as high as your knees. Tiny snow flakies sparkled in the soft orange light of the lanterns along the road. Like in a slow motion, the snow was falling on my palms and in my mouth in huge fluffy flakies. It was Christmas magic. No vehicles were driving by. It was so silent, that the only sound that sent waves into the space was crispy and squeaky snow under my heavy winter boots. I was the happiest I could be. +Inevitably, the spring comes. And the tree that was asleep just yesterday, wakes up and gets more beautiful than ever. It gives birth to fresh crispy-green leaves, it grows more branches which are strong and flexible. The new ones make the tree bigger and older. +It hosts more nests and attracts more birds to sing on its branches in the early morning when the sun rises. It amazes more people, they enjoy being around the tree. People go outside and spend time in its shadow. They arrange pick-nicks under its thick coat of leaves, laugh, eat and take pictures. More animals and kids play on the tree’s branches. Some might even build a small cabin on them, which will become a young kid’s secret escape into the magical world of their dreams. +In Russia, they have a tradition of hugging a tree. It is believed that the tree would suck up all of the negativity and charge you with positive energy. Many people even have their special tree, which suits their personality. Some prefer the pine tree, others the oak tree. Lime trees and birches are popular as well. +Then the fall approaches. The facade starts cracking, the leaves are falling off. Everything is getting browner and rainier. Slowly, everyone left the tree behind. Birds headed off south to have a sex-vacation, people are running from box to box hiding under an umbrella. It's winter again. + +Current view from from kitchen +Last spring, I had a crazy idea that I can be an artist. So in a creative madness I decorated the only tree in our backyard with pieces of my old linen. And then died it with acrylic paint. I conceptualized it as a memory tree. Because my linen kept memories of nearly everything and outlived a lot of relationships and tragedies. Now, my roommate says, it is the only thing that reminds him of joy in the whole backyard. + +Computer game + +Depression is like a progressing computer game. You need to die so many times until you learn the lesson and get to the next level. +Sometimes, when the level is hard, it gets frustrating and exhausting at some point. You lose interest and give up on the game. And when you do that, you stop playing the game and stop unlocking the next levels. That's a metaphor of the suicide. +Suicide is the worst possible side-effect of mental illnesses. It should rightfully be taken seriously. + +Real suicide + +Last summer, a fellow member from the self-help group, which I regularly visit, jumped off a roof. She left two kids behind. She was young and had a special outlook on the world, which she lived in photography. She had been deeply depressed since March, when I saw her for the first time, which was the first time I visited a group meeting. +In the flash round, she cried. She said, she could not bear it anymore, that she just wanted to give up. I felt that. I felt her pain. I knew too well those two sentences. There comes a time when only those two are left. And you just cry and say them over and over again. I wanted to give her a warm hug and to let her cry on my shoulder. But we didn't know each other. So, I had to restrain. +At the end of May, she committed suicide. It shook deeply the whole group. It became so apparent that this is how the game ends for us. Many of us were deeply grieving. +Up to 17% of people with bipolar disorder will take their lives as a result of their illness, making it the #1 cause of premature death in people with this disorder. Women attempt suicide about 3 times more often than men, although men are 4 times as likely to complete suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 2x more likely to attempt suicide than someone with a unipolar disorder. In a review of deaths of individuals with bipolar disorder from 1936-1988, 19% of 9,389 deaths were found to be because of suicide. (Ctrl+C Ctrl+V from the listing40 Profound Bipolar Disorder Suicide Statistics. Source: HealthResearchFunding.org) +At her funeral on July 3rd, I was brokenhearted. I was late because it had taken me quite a time to choose the right black shirt and trousers. Dresses seemed too festive to me. I was nervous, it was my first funeral in Germany. It was my first suicide funeral. It was my first mental health funeral. +The chapel was crowded. I stood leaning on the cold wooden door. I breathed heavily and needed time to process. I had never seen so many people attending a funeral. Those are small and private in Russia unless you are some kind of famous or rich. I counted some 250 people. All grieving. Some crying. +Speeches were boring and long. Also, swampy and sticky. I was outraged when the priest said, ""We cannot know why [she] left. It will remain a mystery forever."" I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so loud so that he would stop talking. How dare you say that we don't know why she jumped off the roof? How dare you indifferently pass the verdict that it will remain a mystery? I wanted to scream. Or to leave the chapel and slam the door. +But I couldn't leave. I needed to stay. I owed it to her. I started crying. I couldn't stop. Tears ran in deep rivers down my cheeks. I didn't have a napkin. I couldn't bear the ceremony, but I couldn't go either. +In the chapel across the columns, her family hung out on a string her photographs for the visitors to take away as a memory of her. I waited for most people to take one and leave the chapel. By the time I came up to the string with hanging photographs, I only had three left to choose from. I picked a very bleak image of a closed backyard, probably taken from a balcony on some fourth floor, on a clouded winter day. It was bleak. Like depression that kills us. I took it to remember this. +The weather outside was good and sunny. It seemed totally out of place in the given context. The sun brutally burned my shoulders in the black shirt. I hate the sun. I hate everything when there is the sun. It blinds me, makes me sweaty and hot, and gives me headaches. Also, it burns my skin. So, no reason to love it. As I stood in line to throw my flower into the grave, I spent my time hating the sun. In that moment, I didn't realize how much this day would impact me. Her name was Verena. + +Depression + +Directly after the funeral, I fell into the deepest, darkest and the coldest well of depression. None of the previous episodes could come close to this one in severity. I was tired, I was failing on all fronts. I had ten days left to write my master's thesis, after which I had to go to Russia for three weeks — I deserved a vacation. I had been in a manic phase when I invited my then-partner's mom to come to visit Russia with me. Also, I didn't know how I was going to pay my bills. Verena's death was the trigger. +When it became clear that I would not be able to finish my thesis before the deadline and that I needed an extension, it was too late to cancel the trip. Christoph's (my ex) mom had already made all the reservations. I didn't want to go there. I had a bad feeling. I wanted to stay home and close off myself from the angry, cruel world. But I rarely change plans. So, I went. +I arrived in Moscow already at my worst. The first thing that I did upon arrival was buying a battery of alcoholic beverages and red bull cans to keep me going. This way I was going to write my thesis and to finish it by August 3rd. Good plan, destined for success. +I worked, but much more I drank, smoked and had severe headaches. A bad state to write your thesis. My next step was to keep myself awake by the cocktail vodka red bull, with a lot of vodka and a lot of red bull. Three all-nighters, four cigarette packs. I came forward. But the body never forgives. +Then Christoph's mother came. For a whole week, I needed to guide, to entertain and to translate for her. She was nearly helpless without me. She didn't know the language, people often didn't speak English and she wasn't very well at that either. Most importantly, she couldn't plan her program by herself. And she needed company by nearly any activity she undertook. A rich touristic program requires to get up early and to go to bed late. I was getting exhausted. I gave out all my energy, even the emergency generator. Burned all calories. No spoons left. +I still needed to finish my thesis. So again all-nighters, again red bull. With the only difference: I increasingly preferred watching TV shows over writing the thesis. And I couldn't wake up. I turned into a horrible host and an indifferent individual. I could not wait for her to leave. A shameful thought, but I could not ban it from my thinking feed. I was anticipating my trip to Saint Petersburg, the time in a summery St. Petersburg, which everyone is talking about. I wanted to fall in love with St. Petersburg too. I was excited to see Sonya, my dear friend-by-coincidence. She is an architecture enthusiast and gives brilliant city tours. +Instead, I locked myself up in her room for the whole week of my stay. I only came out of the room to either visit the bathroom or smoke a cigarette. Much more seldom it was because of the food. I was starving. Worse, I was deadly afraid to go outside. I was afraid of people and public space. I went outside only to buy cigarettes or alcohol, only at night and only in Sonya's company. +What was I doing behind the closed doors the whole week? I was watching a TV show. Over and over again. Until I exhaust myself and pass out. Sometimes Sonya forced me to work on my thesis, and I did. But more often I watched TV series, not wrote my thesis. In this fashion, I spent my last week before the deadline. +I failed. Self-explanatory. I went to my psychiatrist and first thing cried a quarter hour. I was the worst failure in the history of failures. He gave me a sick leave until the end of October. I had time to crawl out of the deep stinky rabbit hole I had accidentally fallen into. + +_____________ +So back to the pink fluffy unicorns: I, for example, like to play Two Dots. It's an endless game which gets ever more complicated. Being depressed I spent hours solving new problems and trying to unlock a new level. Eventually, I would give up and even delete the app from my phone. But then occasionally, I would install it again and start it all over. Because deleting the app did not kill the small worm who wants salvation from unresolved problems. + +Lighthouse stairs + +Lastly, depression is like a brief stop on the endless stairs leading to the top of a lighthouse. You take upon this torture because of the view that it rewards you with in the end. The way up there is at times unbearable and brutal to your lungs and leg muscles. The space is tight, and the air is bad. +Normally, the stairs are also crowded af, if we take a tower in a city hall or a cathedral. So, taking a short breath break is like a lottery. When you do get a chance, you would bow putting your hands on your knees. You breathe heavily and your face is red. You get no air, your lungs hurt, your leg muscles are sore. Looking either up or down makes you dizzy, and your feet sweat with tiny ice-cold drops. +In that moment you question your sanity in deciding to punish yourself with these stairs. You now see the promised view in relation to your suffering. You re-evaluate the price- performance ratio. And the results are not in favor of the view. But the stream of people on the stairs keeps moving. In most cases, it carries you away, again and again upwards. +Maybe the saddest thing about this is that in most cases you barely spend ten minutes on the roof of the tower. You briefly enjoy the view. Sometimes the view is disappointing. The weather was bad, gray clouds covered the city with a thick ceiling. The wind was strong and freezing. Your hair was flying around and got in your eyes and your mouth. It might be dirty and noisy upstairs. Even better, if you are afraid of height. In most cases, it's pretty crowdy on top. People are pushing each other, trying to get the best view. No one is talking to each other. +It is understandably very upsetting. You take pictures from all possible angles anyways and go downstairs. The way down seems much shorter than the way up. You easily run downstairs asking yourself whether the view was worth the trouble. You don't know. +Sometimes though, you might give up halfway through and turn back. Similar to the computer game wormy, we have a tower wormy. Every once in a while, it bites a little bit off your achievement organ and crawls inside your thinking organ. Then you forget about it only to remember again sometime later. + +Hope + +Now, going back to my introduction, when I wrote that during the depression, I try to understand my mistakes and to learn lessons from them so that I will never repeat them again. +In manic phases, which in my case normally follow depressive episodes, I challenge myself to act upon my new knowledge and imperatives. I need to do that to prove myself that I learned the lesson and deserve redemption. +I am my strongest critic. I need to forgive myself to move on, not the forgiveness of the others. I pass my own judgment on my actions. Because I know best all my motifs and thoughts. And before I ultimately forgive myself, I ask for forgiveness people that I hurt. Not formally to check the box, but genuinely and humbly. +NB! I did not intend to romanticize depression with these metaphors, or worse, to implicate that I have the cure to depression. Depression is a serious, brutal disease that tragically changes people's lives, and sometimes ends them. Therefore, I do not recommend terminating your prescription meds, if you are affected by depression or other mental health issues. I take a bunch of those on a daily basis. However, I do not propagate for taking medication either. Whatever works for you best is best for your health. Invest time into exploring those ways. It always pays off. + +If you are affected by depression + +If you are affected by depression, allow yourself time to recover. My former therapist used to say: ""If you want to lie on the couch, lie on the couch"". That's the best advice I can give you. When you are well, you won't lie on the couch anyways. Take your time. There is no hurry when it comes to health. +Second advice is to start slow and small. Make your bed. It's challenging enough. Don't be ashamed of feeling like taking a shower or doing laundry (because you have nothing left to wear) is Mount Everest (or Mount Weather rofl). It's okay. All people with depression share this mess and this shame. I think we should talk about this more, to support each other. So again, start small. Make your bed. It's enough. +Third thing, your depression procrastination pays off. Hundreds if not thousands of hours that I spent on YouTube watching beauty tutorials, BuzzFeed videos and in-depth analyses of each Game of Thrones’ episode, eventually make up for the wasted time. At some point, you'll be able to connect the dots and turn that Netflix binge madness into something meaningful. +Lastly, if you have suicidal thoughts, get help immediately. Tell people about this. Tell them +how you feel. Don’t be silent. They care. Get any help that’s available and acceptable to you: medical, religious, anonymous hotline, support group, parents, friends — anything will do. However, suicidal tendencies without a doubt qualify for a good reason to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. This is how I got diagnosed. I needed to get suicidal first to notice that something is not right. + +If you are close to an affected person + +If you are close to an affected person, give them time. Recovery is a gradual process. Be patient and supportive. They know that they have problems with hygiene, that their room looks like an aftermath of the nuclear war, that they haven't done the dishes in weeks. It's alright. If you can, help them. If you can't, leave them. Time will come when they get up and do all the dishes and laundry in one go. +Here, the spoon theory is a great illustration of this particular face of depression (shoutout to Anja Osypova). It is a metaphor that is +used to explain the reduced amount of mental and physical energy available for activities of living and productive tasks that may result from disability or chronic illness. The term spoons are a visual representation used as a unit of measure in order to quantify how much energy a person has throughout a given day. It was coined by Christine Miserandino in 2003 in her essay The Spoon Theory. According to her theory, each activity requires a given number of spoons, which will only be replaced as the person ""recharges"" through rest. A person who runs out of spoons has no choice but to rest until their spoons are replenished. However, people with chronic diseases [...] and various disabilities may have sleep difficulties. This can result in a particularly low supply of spoons. (Ctrl+C Ctrl+V from Wikipedia) +I hear people call each other tenderly spoony. I think it's cute. So, love your spoony, they can be adorable. +My former partner Christoph used to literally drag me out of bed every day when I was at my lowest. He woke me up with the best good morning YouTube playlist and started by shaking all my body parts. It was very funny and so I started my day with a smile. Then he asked me what I wanted to wear. In most cases, I said ""Dragon. I wanna be a dragon."" So, he went into my room and brought the dragon, socks, and slippers. He took one foot out of the blanket and stroke it. Then he put a sock on it. When he was done with the second foot, he would start putting the dragon on me, while I was still lying flat. Anyway, it was funny. I laughed a lot. Next, he would put me straight up and finish dressing me up as a dragon. I was ready to start a new day. +Tell them that you love them and that you believe in them. You might need to repeat it everyday. It is crucial to regularly give the person in depression encouraging affirmation and to cheer them up. On most days in depression, I cry at least once a day. I feel hopeless and worthless. I see no exit in the darkness. My partner was there to console me too. He hugged me, let me cry into his shirt and told me over and over again what I achieved and that I can do more. +Once I was about to meet an elderly friend of mine who is usually very proud of me and thinks highly of me. I grew to perceive her appreciation as high expectations. It put a lot of pressure on me. I was afraid not to meet the standards. So, this time, being deep in depression, I got so anxious so that I wanted to cancel the plans. Every time I thought about it, I started crying and couldn't calm down. I felt like a complete failure. But canceling the plans would be a typical failure too. So, I had nothing left to do but to cry. +Christoph took an A4 notebook and started going through the recent months with me. He asked me what I did in March, April, May, June, July, and August. Unexpectedly, it turned out that I had done a lot of things and worked a lot of jobs. At least on paper. So, we decided that we killed my worst enemy: I had things to tell about. My plan was to take a shower, put something semi-fancy on and just force myself outside. I would just recite from the chart Christoph and I had made earlier and that would do it. Fake it till you make it. +It wouldn't be me if I hadn't blown up my own plan. Soon enough into my report, I got annoyed by the necessity to keep up the facade. So, I told the three ladies that I felt like a piece of shit and that I had been feeling like shit for months and that I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I told them about my disorder, how I got diagnosed, how long it took me to find the medication that's right for me, that I went to a self-help group and that I found friends there. I felt relieved. And the ladies were again amazed by my honesty and strength. Of course, I thought that I didn't deserve it, but it was a huge relief, nevertheless. + +Epilogue + +As far as Christoph is concerned, so that you don't think that I am the luckiest girl in the world — which I was — should be rightly noted that he broke up with me three weeks ago. He couldn't deal with my illness any longer. And I let him go because he deserves it. I am deeply grateful for the time he spent next to me, feeding me off the spoon and putting the dragon on me. But I cannot force this burden on anyone. + +Author: Sasha Khrenova + +#depression #suicide #bipolar + +You can find this essay on Facebook if you want to share it. It would be appropriate due to my authorship. Also, it has pictures. +",Bipolar +50645,"Minimal success for 8 months Hi! I'm headed into work, so going to just get this out fast in hopes someone can give me advice. + +I have been at home for almost 4 years with mostly depression, some hypo mania, and one scary manic episode brought on by an antidepressant. I also have extreme anxiety and adhd. + +I started Lithium in August and was able to help my husband at work within a month. I came out of my shell, began to make eye contact, conversation, and was hired on as an administrative assistant. My career was teaching, but I know I can not be that person anymore. + +I have struggled the whole time, but was managing okay enough to continue. I am not okay again. Work is stressful in an unreasonable way and I can feel myself crashing. I am terrified of becoming the hermit I was for 4 years. I was hospitalized last March wanting to die from so much empty. I need to keep a purpose. + +Anxiety is almost unbearable and the empty, I can't do it anymore feeling is taking over. Music and TV feels fake and every task is a huge effort. These are some of my signs. I am back to needing ativan to function most days and adderal the others. How can I prevent a full crash? Help! + +Current meds: +Lithium 600mg at night +Ativan a couple times a week and increasing +Adderal when I am paralyzed several days a week. +I just added 500 mg magnesium glycinate and Vit D3. +Any words of wisdom are appreciated.",Bipolar +46076,"tapering off of lamictal - PLEASE HELP I have been taking lamictal for a month now... started at 25 then got up to 75. was low on pills toward the end and also decided to taper off because of side effects (irritability, fatigue). I have been taking 50mg the past two days as was almost out of pills... experiencing slight withdrawal. constipation (tmi sorry), fatigue, slight nausea.... my doctor just refilled my prescription and said to take two pills for a week (50mg) then 1 pill for a week.... I told her that with all due respect, i'm pretty sure that's not safe as I am much too sensitive for that as I am ALREADY experiencing discomfort at 25mg lower. I think once I get a refill I will up the dosage a bit as I really am not feeling great. what would you recommend for someone that's been taking it for a month? this is the WORST. i'd rather deal with my moodswings than take anymore drugs. please help me :'(",Bipolar +46082,"Akathisia on Saphris vs Vraylar Hi, during a manic episode I was prescribed Saphris and had the worst case of restless leg I have ever experienced. It was excruciating. I've been prescribed Vraylar now to start tonight and I'm freaking out that I will have the same issue with it. How common is akathisia on vraylar? Have others dealt with it? What has helped to calm it?",Bipolar +50254,"You guys, I can’t feel anything during sex anymore and it is driving me mad. Ok, hear me out. I’m on 100 mg of Zirprasidone and I take Propanolol for anxiety. My meds help me tremendously, like I hardly even have any bp symptoms anymore. But here’s the thing, I can’t feel anything during sex anymore. Nothing, not a thing. Literally nothing. It’s driving me nuts! I can feel sex, but I cannot feel any pleasure during sex anymore and it makes me feel left out and sad. Should I tell my psychiatrist about this? What do I do? It’s to the point where I get sad every time I have sex now.",Bipolar +46257,"Crisis Center I'm sitting in my car outside a crisis center. I don't know if I should go in or go home. I forced myself to not move last night because I was scared if I got up I would kill myself. I felt like Donnie Darko, with the path laid out towards the supplies to do it. + +My husband is worried I'll lose my job if I check in. I'm scared to go home. He keeps telling me to calm down, but the problem is I'm terrified of myself. I think I'm going to sit in my car all day...I can't decide if I should go into the center or go home.",Bipolar +45892,"Not sure what this is. I have these kind of ""episodes"" where my mind suddenly brings up dark memories and emotions. I'm overwhelmed by them and my mind interprets my surroundings based on the feelings and memories I'm experiencing. I'm aware of my surroundings and I don't zone out but the thoughts become overwhelming and I can't get them out of my head. It's not a flashback. I don't know what it is.",Bipolar +45435,"Started mood stabilizers and having severe panic attacks I just started Lamictal, 25mg moving to 50mg in a couple days. After the first 2 days I was very manic; creating a lot, no sleep, the usual suspects. Then very recently—3 days ago— I started getting into a depressive episode. Yesterday I used my positive coping skills to help deal with it, felt better but then had a very sudden onset of panic attacks. Today was no different. Panic attacks after every 3 hours. I hung out with the same friend, and they didn’t really do anything to cause it, nor did anything else. + +Also, in my manic states I have quite the sexual appetite and in my depressive episodes I usually ignore the avoidance symptoms (dumb, I know) and have sex anyways. Recently however the thought of ANYONE having any type of sex (friends talking about experience, me imagining etc) has triggered panic attacks. + +I’m not sure what to do does anyone have any recommendations. ",Bipolar +46385,"Hallucinations? Hey, I'm in the process of switching therapist/psychiatrist so I'm coming here for now. + +Can it be auditory hallucinations if the sounds/voices you hear are familiar? Like, I'll hear my kids, or my phone, or someone say my name. I've even thought I heard my kids playing, but when i went in to fuss they were sleep. My husband says it's happened to him before, but it happens to me regularly. Right now it's multiple times a day. I stopped asking if my husband hears them too bc the last few times he didn't. So here I am. ",Bipolar +46308,"Bipolar Meds & Sleepiness Temporary? Just wanting to hear people's experiences. What meds are you on & did they make you sleepy at first? Did the sleepiness wear off over time as your body grew accustomed to the med? How long did it take? + +I'm on Lamictal (300 mg) and struggle to stay awake for even 12 hours at a time. I've been on this dose for over a month and the sleepiness is intense. I'm just wondering if it'll get better over time.",Bipolar +49733,"i just saw my ex that never posted me have his new girlfriends initial in his bio and a highlight for her im feeling the emotions i get when i’m manic. i haven’t been aware of my BP for long. is this enough to trigger a sort of episode? + +i saw the colors around me change, my eyes started watering and i got the feeling in my chest i feel when i’m in an episode. + +i can’t tell.",Bipolar +50197,,Bipolar +45493,"I'll never kill myself, but I'll never live either. Not functioning. Live in isolation, can't face the world or anything stressful. Mostly because there is nothing I want in it. I don't try. I do the absolute bare minimum to take care of myself. Thank God for my overprotective mother who never wants me to leave. But this also enables my avoidant behavior; I won't push myself to overcome my anxiety and do things because I don't have to, and don't want anything enough in the first place. So I stay in my comfort zone. I just exist. Every day the same, in hiding really. I don't see suicide as an option, however I'm getting desperate. + +I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time soon but I'm afraid it won't be enough. My family situation also isn't the healthiest, but I feel really helpless on my own. Also have adhd, and anxiety to the extent that nearly everything overwhelms me. I'm very childish, and couldn't imagine handling the responsibilities of living alone. Is anyone else as pathetic as me? I have no friends, no dreams, no desires, no motivation, no stability inside my mind (or outside of it). I need to bond with someone desperately, but who would ever want such an empty person? Yet I'll probably run off and do something impulsive in my desperation to not feel.... this.",Bipolar +49792,"Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns Has anyone read Feeling Good, and did it help at all? My mom gifted it to me when I've started my medications and I've been really skeptical about the book. I want to know how other's experiences have been like with the book. + +How has the book helped you? + +The book was published years ago. Is it up-to-date?",Bipolar +45579,When you miss a dose of your medications can you tell it that day or the next day? I guess the reason I ask is because it seems like every time I miss a dose of medications I have a terrible day. Or if I miss a night dose the next morning is really bad. Is this all just a coincidence or is my body sensitive to substances? <3 Thanks!,Bipolar +49541,,Bipolar +46316,"Anxiety level: 1,000,000 - Husband's surprise Christmas present For Christmas my husband bought me a 6 week training program at a local boxing club. I've never done class-like exercising, so I was pretty concerned that my social anxiety would be a problem. I was right. + +The training program includes a strict meal plan and weekly weigh-ins. If you lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks then you get all your money back. Unfortunately, it's triggered my eating disorder and now I'm restricting like a mofo. + +The first class I went to, I had to sit out part of the time because I almost passed out. I've done 3 classes so far and it's incredibly embarrassing when I have to take a break to sit down while everyone else is still up and punching their bags. + +I know I shouldn't compare myself to everyone else, because I'm just a beginner and they might not be, but I can't help it. + +I think it's sending me into a depressive state. All I want to do is sleep and not think about going to class or eating... + +&nbsp; + + +TL;DR: My husband bought me a 6 week boxing training program and it's triggered my mental state and my eating disorder... Has anyone dealt with this sort of thing??",Bipolar +47000,"BP friends? Due to my BP ups and downs I've lost as well as have had to cut out almost all my friends from my life because of toxicity in the friendship. I'm looking to form friendships if possible here with people who can relate. Feel free to message me if you're looking for a friend, a listening ear or even just to vent sometime.",Bipolar +45468,"I've been wondering about having bipolar for a while. So I've been at a psychiatrist for about a year now and been diagnosed with depression and AD(H)D (the psychiatrist used them quite interchangeably). I've been taking SSRI medications for a while now. + +But sometimes when I would go for a scheduled appointment, I didn't feel depressed at all, then a couple of days later I would be back in depression. + +Now my depression feels completely cured. I haven't been able to see any effects of it for over two weeks, I even didn't take antidepressants for a week (I know I really shouldn't have done it and I started taking them again) and nothing happened. + +This took me by complete surprise, since nothing in my life has changed during this time. I have been considering the possibility of a longer hypomanic episode, but I don't what bipolar is like. + +I sleep very poorly so I can't comment on the reduced need of sleep that is associated with mania. + +I will talk about this at my next appointment but would really appreciate input from people with bipolar.",Bipolar +46902,"The warm glow fades as it casts shadows of doubt That's the problem with becoming close to someone so quickly. The stars line up, and suddenly a light flickers in the ever present darkness. Everything is new. It is bright and exciting again. Life has meaning. It has purpose. + +Reality has it's own plans, to which remaining blissfully unaware can provide a temporary sense of comfort when staring into the face of eternity. Depending on others for happiness is a reliable way to perpetually avoid adressing the root causes that prevent you from finding it within yourself. + +Even an otherwise functional and healthy relationship will crumble under the weight of one sides inability to truly form a connection, given they lack the emotional stability needed to build a solid foundation. + +You know by now that isn't the solution. Light cannot lift the darkness from outside the source. It will just burn out of control, leaving you with yet another fire to put out, and smoke further clouding your eyes.",Bipolar +49911,Lord forgive me I’m 18 and recently I was diagnosed with herpes and I think last night was the first time in a while I wanted to hurt myself…it took everything in me. The man I love told me he was contemplating being with me because I have it and he wants something long term.. so do I and it’s like I’m already psychotic now I have a virus forever? I don’t want to live like this I already take a fuck ton of medication. It just seems like this isn’t gonna get better it never does.,Bipolar +46114,What do mixed episodes feel like for you My pdoc said I have had mixed episodes but I’m not rlly sure what he means. What do those episodes feel like for you? ,Bipolar +50471,"Lost possessions during mania I have lost so many of my dear possessions (watches, cameras, plants, clothes etc.) during my manic episode one year ago. I find it extremely hard to move forward from this as I am still a student (in Germany) and have very few possessions anyways. Any advice?",Bipolar +50416,"What do you do to help with taking meds? I’ll go first: i take my meds at night. + +I have a 10 section pill box where I pre cut my blister packs into individual portions and put them into the sections, which I stick a small blank sticker on top of each section of the pill box ; on the sticker I write the date next to the day of the week. So for example “24/Fri” or “26/Sat” so on and so forth. + +This way I know at a glance whether I’ve taken the pills for the day or not (or whether I’ve missed a day of meds)",Bipolar +46668,"Hey guys, I'm a little worried about my condition. So I take lamictal, lithium, seroquel and adderall. All last week I was so manic that when I was tired, I was wired and creative. Nothing new, I know. 2 weeks back I had issues with my insurance which caused me to miss 4 days of lithium. So I worked on getting caught back up on dosage, cutting down to build back up. Day before yesterday, my stomach hurt so badly, and I could smell this rotten. Sour smell. I laid down, and slept for 3 hours. I woke up realizing I took no lamictal or lithium that night + +Now today I have been chasing down this foul odor that my wife cant smell. It's bad. It keeps getting stronger, and my stomach hurts and I just said f it, lay down again. The smell is so potent, that I have bunkered myself in my room, which has that odor, but only slightly. I'm all shakey, seeing shit, and a mess. + +Had anyone else had a situation like this before?",Bipolar +45830,"Is it wrong to want to choose the time, place, and method of your demise? Watching Dad nearing the end has me thinking. I was a teenager when I decided that 38 was the age I would end it, as after that I'd be too old. +38 was over a decade ago, and since I had kids and a healthy body I allowed the year to pass. + +Now I've been caring for my father for the past four months. He is frail, has a hard time walking, has multiple health issues, and is in constant pain. I look at him and think that's not an existence I want- I've led a rich and exciting life. He's less than 20 years older than me, so in him I see my near future... + +I had ideation for a six month period years ago, but other than that I don't think about suicide. I'm not looking to end it all now, but this has been my plan for 35+ years. I now learn that bipolar people have 20x suicide rate vs the general population. + +When the time comes and my health & quality of life start to tank, I'd like to go under my own terms. + +Outside of crisis situations, do any/many of you have similar thoughts of a long-term planned end-of-life? +",Bipolar +46494,"has anyone taken olanzapine/zyprexa or valproate/valproic acid for anxiety? how that work out for social situations does it make you calm/relaxed around people and confident? + +",Bipolar +46134,"First time taking Lamotrigine/questions I have bipolar (not sure which type yet/newly diagnosed) and I have been cycling rapidly lately. I just started taking lamotrigine and I feel like it made my depression and anxiety worse on the second day of taking 25mg. I'm not sure if this is just my mood swings or if it's the medicine. +Anyone else have experience with this medication? Ultimately, I'm going to ask my doctor when I go back soon. Just curious and impatient I suppose.",Bipolar +50017,"graduate from college I finally got my bachelor degree today. Im currently hypomanic right now and my mind is super annoying like i want to have sex with every girl that i know, and some anxiety but mostly im happy at the moment. After going through a lot of shit i finally got it. Yay.",Bipolar +50257,"Commanding voice I’m wondering if it’s a common experience for those of us with bipolar disorder to experience a commanding voice while in a mixed episode or mania. + +When I start getting up I will hear a voice inside my head that’ll tell me to do things, usually to my determinant. I’ve learned to ignore it but I’ve had to deal with having the occasional commanding voice since I was a teen. + +Does anyone else have to deal with a commanding voice? + +I don’t have too many bipolar friends and the ones I have we don’t really discuss the disorder with each other.",Bipolar +49520,,Bipolar +45910,"Latuda 60mgs, Lamictal (just started-working way up to 100mgs), Lexapro 15mgs 2x a day, Buspirone 15mgs 2x a day and weight gain Let it be said that I work out with a personal trainer 3x a week. My job is sedentary (office job) but I have a standing desk which I've just recently started standing at after lunch break. I'm doing the whole Keto diet (for a year) and granted I haven't been a saint on it, I've had cheat meals on weekends and little treats here and there (also used to drink but have cut that out and used to smoke but quit that as well) but for the most part have been keeping my carbs under 50g per day and ideally I want it to be at 25g or under. My caloric restriction is at 1,425, I'm female, 5'4 and last month I weighed myself at 147lbs. I started off last year being at 137lbs (before working out 3x per day and before being switched around between many different anti-psychotics-Bipolar 2) which is MUCH more ideal and my goal weight is 125-130lbs. I understand it's going to take time...but I'm becoming impatient. I religiously write down everything that goes into my mouth and count my macros. My weight has done nothing but go up and I understand muscle weighs more than fat but I have a pudgy stomach, full face, and I can't seem to go down in weight. I will be more than happy to provide a weekly macro sheet if that would help any of you but I'm desperate for any advice, suggestions, or just telling me to calm the fuck down and just be patient :). Also, I have started running 5k's and try to run at least 3 miles of my off-training days. Thanks for reading and for any feedback!",Bipolar +46213,"Affording Meds Yet again I’m in the position where I can’t afford my meds. I’m on Invega and it’ll be over $1000 to fill this months prescription. Nothing else works as well. I go completely nuts and end up in the psych ward if I don’t take it. I really want to take it. I don’t know where the money for it will come from. + +I’m so sick of this happening over and over again.",Bipolar +50287,"How do you cope with the brain fog? I've been diagnosed for 4 years and on latuda just as long, and I'm really struggling with the brain fog way more than I used to. I used to take modafinil for fatigue and I felt like a person again but I can't take it anymore due to circumstances out of my control and I'm wondering what people do to regain function. +It doesn't feel like the depression fog all that much, it feels like my brain simply does not work. I notice how I'm unable to understand even the simplest of things no matter how hard I try, even things I used to be able to do without difficulty. I'm considering dropping out of college because I simply can't work fast enough to keep up with the load, and I can't stay awake long enough to work on things. +I'm taking caffeine pills and drinking absurd amounts of coffee to try and keep myself awake long enough to do anything, but I don't think this is sustainable. +Does anyone have advice that isn't ""go talk to your psychiatrist"" because I am, but I'm turning to the community to see what's helped other people. +Thank you :3",Bipolar +49879,,Bipolar +46510,"are there communities for people in remission from BP? my illness has improved significantly this year. I'm not really in remission yet, but I'm becoming skillful in symptom management and I'm wondering if there's a community for this. A lot of the subreddits for mental illness, including this sub, are very support group/venting based. Which is great, but I'm looking for discussion of practical techniques for managing bipolar, major depression, and/or anxiety.",Bipolar +49486,"Trying to fix all the damage I caused Long story short, I was diagnosed with depression back in 2021 after a rough year and 2 failed suicide attempts December 2021. Physically and mentally I made a full recovery by May 2022, my ex of 7 years cheated on me in June and I surprisingly dealt with it really well. I’d been off work March-September due to factors outside my control which was stressful but again, I dealt with it well. I returned to work and on one of my first days back the most beautiful woman I had ever seen walked into the office. I’m a confident bloke but I was nervous AF! I spoke to her for a bit and thought there would be no way she would like me, fast forward a few hours later and she’d requested to follow me on instagram and we got chatting. We met shortly after for a date and it was like we’d know each other years, best date ever. From this point we both took it slow and just let things happen naturally. The connection we had was unlike any other and for both of us to feel the same was just unreal. I asked her to be my girlfriend in October and she was genuinely excited about it, this made me realise I’d found someone special. Shortly after this I had a serious family emergency and that was ongoing till January, she was my rock, my guardian angel throughout this whole ordeal. I’m 29 and I’ve cared for people a lot in relationships but never been in love despite them all being long term. I thought I was incapable but this woman changed that and she’s the first I’ve ever loved, and hopefully the last. On 02/01/23 the family emergency situation came to a close with expected but still devastated news. From this day on my mental health started to deteriorate but predictably, nothing too rapid. 05/01/23 I went over to my Nan’s house late at night after work to drop a birthday card off for her birthday the following day. I walked in to find her dead on the kitchen floor, this was the day I deteriorated rapidly. I needed my girlfriend desperately for support but I was just far too much to deal with. I wasn’t just depressed, this time it was different. I was awake 4-8 days regularly and would only sleep when I’d black out. I was exhausted but completely and utterly hyper fixated on anything that came into my head. Because it was my girlfriend who had become distant I stupidly bombarded her with messages begging for help and reminding her how much I love her. She wasn’t leaving me she just needed space and I could cope on my own. 20/02/23 2 men tried to steal my car and I managed to keep the car and defend myself but suffered some bad injuries in the process. I was hit 11 times with a knuckle duster and 40+ times by the other bloke with just his fists. I was left with 4 skull fractures, fractured orbital bone, broken nose and broke jaw. I’m an ex professional Muay Thai fighter so I’m used to a certain level of pain and discomfort but this was different, although I now have slurred speech, blind in my right eye and have lost substantial weight this hurt me mentally. I started to have panic attacks and I was going through episodes of what can only be described as mania and borderline psychosis. Again I continued begging my girlfriend for help and pushed her even further away, shortly after this she ended things. She made the right decision because I was horrendous and I was dragging her down. This present day I’m on the mend now and I barely remember any of it, the days all merged as one. It feels like someone else has been living/wrecking my life and last week I woke up and have been given it back. I’m now trying to fix all the damage I’ve caused, I’ve lost most of my friends, family and the love of my life. I’ll never give up on her but for now I can only love her from a distance. I hope one day soon she forgives me and wants to speak again but I also need to get some advice if anyone has experienced this before. I’ve spoke to numerous Dr’s in and outside the hospital but have just been dismissed as I struggle explaining it and play it down. Thanks in advance and apologies for the long read",Bipolar +45550,How honest are you with your therapist? Just got back into therapy after about a month of not in therapy. Changed from a therapist I absolutely love to a therapist from the past who's very sweet but I don't feel safe being honest with him. I always think he's gonna judge me or not believe me. Thought I'd ask how honest y'all are with your therapist?,Bipolar +49933,"Manic only when on SSRIs I am 37F. I have had two severe psychotic manic episodes in the last two years. Both times, I was on Zoloft. + +For the first one in summer 2021, the pharmacy messed up my Zoloft dose and I was taking 1.5 times as much as I should’ve been. It was a euphoric mania, and it occurred during a period of extreme stress from a divorce as well. I also started taking a 5-htp supplement around the time of my episode. I was hospitalized. I was also on lamotrigine at the time. + +I gained a ton of weight from both the antipsychotics and lithium. I went off antipsychotic first, seroquel, that caused me to gain around a pound every single day. Lithium I stayed on longer but I gained around 5 pounds a month. + +I then fell into a severe depression. Like unbelievably severe. I thought I had had severe depressive episodes before, but I was wrong. I was not functional and planning my suicide. My psychiatrist initially refused to prescribe an SSRI, or put me on vyvanse, what I used to take for adhd and also helped with depression. I eventually talked him into it, I can’t remember exactly how. I was also on lamotragine I think I would’ve died if I had not been out on Zoloft at that time. But it was a lower dose. + +Fast forward, during a time of work stress maybe 6 months later, I slipped into a more agitated mania. I was also on lamotrigine. I was again hospitalized, stopped taking Zoloft and vyvanse, and went on Zyprexa and lithium. + +Weight gain with Zyprexa was still significant but leveled out relatively quickly, and lithium doesn’t seem to be an issue this time. + +After writing a book, I guess my main question is- does anybody here only go manic on SSRIs? In the past the one other time I was on one it caused rapid mood cycling, and so did Zoloft until I was on lamotrigine. I’ve been labeled as bipolar I, which I initially talked him out of and he changed it to not otherwise specified, until I had my second one. I’ve been told the average age for first mania for a woman is 31, and I was 35. But I don’t think it was a coincidence they were both on Zoloft. I am pretty convinced I won’t go manic without Zoloft or another SSRI. But I can’t afford to take the risk. Which means I’m stuck on meds I may not need for basically forever. Has anyone had a similar experience?",Bipolar +46857,"Lamictal - Issues since raising dosage Hi all, first post here, + +&#x200B; + +So, I've been on Lamictal for about 8 months and haven't had any issues. I've had it slowly raised from 50mg to 300 mg last week. Since I've raised from 250 mg to 300mg I'm seeing a massive increase in being disoriented, vision being fuzzy, unable to think straight (like type at work or write), and last night I experienced a large amount of paranoia I haven't felt since before I went on the medication. Does this sound like 300 mg might be too much for me and I should go back down to 250 mg? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks, all!",Bipolar +45813,"Exhausted I just found this Subreddit and honestly it’s good to see similar people as me, anyway, does anyone else feel really tired for anticipating the next low or high, like, I just want a break, but I’m always just waiting for the next time it changes",Bipolar +50517,"The Daunting Task of Living Trigger warning so much sad shit mention of suicide + + + + + + + + + + +This last two ish years have been the worst of my life starting may 2021 my father committed suicide followed by two weeks later my 21 year old cousin, this is the third family suicide. Flash forward to May 2022 I drove myself to the hospital fearing Id be alone and unable to be safe on the anniversary of his death. This is the occasion where I actually learned im bipolar and have been on the wrong meds for 12 years. Im a 34(f), I have lots of beautiful things about my life, a husband a dog a ridiculous garden. But man I dont know how to not feel completely daunted looking both forward and back and having one really solid year of stability in my brain with various other degrees of stability but lots of struggle just to float. How do I not just feel angry and scared that I have to live in this body in this brain with this trauma for the rest of it?",Bipolar +46225,"I slept through the daylight. I woke up at midnight last night and couldn't sleep till ~8. +Once I fell asleep, I stayed asleep until around 20 minutes ago (EST). I completely slept through the sunlight. I'm struggling to get on a regular schedule, I guess I'm depressed. I really have no clue how to get out of this funk, I take my medicine, I have sleep medication, and I have morning classes starting in three days. + +I'm losing my mind here. Please give suggestions. ",Bipolar +46752,"Help! Acne from lithium I've never had acne or problems with my skin. Since taking lithium though, I have a lot of acne and pimples. My entire skin care routine has always been just a face cleanser (origins) that I use when I shower. + +I'm going to start washing my face in the morning and at night but I'm wondering if I should add additional products. + +Anyone else get bad acne from taking lithium? Did it go away with time? Did you find a skin care routine that works? Share your products and secrects please!",Bipolar +50204,"Meds keep losing effect — is that normal? I'm awfully sorry if this question has been posted before, could find anything on this. Fellow bipolar 2 here. + +I've been on meds for more than a year now, 5 months of which I was on antidepressants only cus my doctor and I both thought it was depression (as is pretty common). Since I got diagnosed she put me on mood stabilizers+antidepressants. But I keep having to change meds altogether bc after 2-3 months they just stop working. + +I wonder, is that a normal thing? Or is it a sign that something's up with my diagnosis and/or treatment? Will appreciate all of your input.",Bipolar +46171,"Take that Seroquel Semiconscious thoughts at 4:00 AM on Seroquel are unintelligible. Memories are photographs, they lie horizontally and twist and float across a black screen and cannot be intelligibly linked to the jumble of words that come to my mind when I try narrate what is happening to myself. I want to panic for fear I've lost control of my conscious self, my own perception of my own experiences and my own story. But what is more likely? Do I have a story over which to have control? Aren't I a random smattering of continuously altered star manufactured material - simply an unlikely accident which happens to be consumed with its own importance. Why does it make sense to believe that my very own particular microspeck of cosmic trash that happens to exist at this time in this place fits into some narrative that makes sense to try to tell? Perhaps a failed Seroquel dream is simply a more accurate reflection of being. And that's how I narrative myself back into a story of a legitimate human experience with a basic grasp of high school science. Take that Serorquel. ",Bipolar +45896,"Not sure what it is... Hi everyone. I'm new here as I've recently been ""diagnosed"" (I say it like that because its suspected that I have it) with Bipolar 2. I was put on Lithium and built up to 900(?) mg over the course of 9 days i believe (300 for 2 days, 600 for another 2, then 900 for 5 days followed by blood work after the 5th day). However, after the second day of 900 I started feeling what I believe is hypomania(?) only to feel completely cluttered and confused after a few hours, resulting in me feeling rather scared. A few days later, I gradually became more and more agitated, hostile, and on edge for the most part. ""Brain zaps"", knowing what they are as I've experienced them minimally in the past, are a constant thing now and are the most severe I've felt them. I go through moments where i feel like crying my eyes out because this whole thing feels so uncomfortable that its practically painful. The urge to cry also hits hard when I'm listening to music, which I've been doing A LOT btw. Also with music, I feel that its the only thing that calms me down somewhat. Yet it also hypes me up and makes me feel great. But that's somewhat besides the point I guess. I reached out to my doctor about this a few days ago and she wanted me to get off of the Lithium. Its been 2 days now, maybe more, and I'm not sure if Lithium was even the problem. As a matter of fact, I have no clue as to what it could be, seeing as I've never felt this way before. Yes, I have been euphorically happy and ""hypomanic"" as well as severely depressed, but I have no clue if its the Bipolar 2, or the Lithium. Anybody have any ideas as to what it could be?",Bipolar +50285,"I read a book cover to cover today I used to annihilate chapter books in a few hours. This year, I completely lost my ability to focus. I am failing classes for the first time in my life. For contrast, I have a full ride university scholarship. I haven't been able to focus on textbooks for a few months but haven't done real leisure reading in easily a year. Not because I don't want to just because I can't put in the time. + +Today I read an entire book, 432 pages, in under 24 hours. I am so proud of myself. I haven't done this since middle school, and I remember every part of it, I didn't just skim it. + +I don't want to get into the circumstances surrounding it or what it means as part of a larger whole. I just want to celebrate that, regardless of how or why, I did it.",Bipolar +50622,"What do you do when people hurt you I've been hurt so many times by people I decided to trust. Im just over people at this point, because of my illness anyone can hurt me SO MUCH MORE than I could ever hurt them. It's too hard trying to manage my emotions even without factoring in the selfishness and unpredictability of people. + +&#x200B; + +Should I start trusting again? It's been 2 months and now I'm just bored, but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm still reeling from the extreme pain of the last time I was hurt. People have too much power over me, last time I was hurt it induced a mixed episode which resulted in psychosis and 2 suicide attempts. People are inherently selfish, I'm 100% convinced of this fact. But im getting bored and lonely.",Bipolar +49975,"There are more to the ups and downs that bipolar disorder brings There are emotions that come along with this diagnosis that get swept under the rug of summarization. It’s more than just being happy one day and sad the next. There’s the frustration of not being able to get out of bed because you’re frozen by deep, dark depression. + +The sadness is so consuming, you don’t think you’ll make it one more day. There is the anguish of not being able to be reliable every single time you’re needed. +Some days I can’t count on myself, let alone be there for another person asking me for help. I wish with all of my might that I could be someone’s rock, even though I can’t be one for myself. + +The lack of hope that one day it will get better and I will be strong enough to conquer this. The feelings of anger and irritation pulsing through my body for no apparent reason. My aggression toward everyone, even though I know they have done nothing wrong. The grief I feel when the thoughts come rushing in, telling me I am a burden to others and everyone who once loved me. + +The heartache from the thought that I am pushing everyone away and will soon be alone. The fear of facing this alone. +The exhaustion of putting up a front to mask my many emotions and terrifying thoughts, just to seem OK and “normal.” +It’s more than just being happy one day and sad the next. There are highs of being productive with little amounts of sleep that can go on for days, even weeks. + +The manic state of rash decisions and risky behavior, such as impromptu tattoos or even solo backpacking trips through Europe. The euphoric feeling of being on top of the world. The racing thoughts and distractions that cannot be controlled. +The blissful feeling of being out of my depressive state. + +The confidence that the darkness will never come back, but the acknowledgement that it will. +The hope that people will begin to understand the many sides of bipolar that aren’t mentioned.",Bipolar +49927,"Being self aware and mentally ill is fucking exhausting. Does anyone else struggle with this? It's like you know that your being irrational and there is nothing that you can do about it no matter how hard you try. + +So last night in the middle of my manic episode, I just had this moment apologizing to my partner for keeping him up with my crying. I didn't sleep at all and I just was angry about that. I'm really good at masking most of the time. I have to be, as I work in retail. But then I come home and sometimes I absolutely unravel. + +The part about this is that my logical bits of my brain know better. I know that all the terrible things my brain tells me during my episodes is not true. I know that I can do better. It's as if I'm paralyzed and there's a disconnect between all the parts of my brain. It's fucking horrible and exhausting! + +I am medicated, I am really bad at remembering to take my medications so do you have any tips to help this? I also have a slew of other alphabet soup stuff going on with me. + +I just needed to vent and could use some advice. I'm newly diagnosed with bipolar (within the past 12 months). Any advice is greatly appreciated!",Bipolar +50195,"Mania is changing with age I am 27 and have a 1.5 year old. I have found that my mania and hypomania is significantly different at this point in my life than when I was in my late teens and early 20s. Back then I gravitated towards dangerous and hypersexual things while manic. Nowadays I don't even have the same thoughts cross my mind. I feel hypomanic for sure right now and I find myself filling my calendar with volunteer opportunities and weekend events to take the kids (I'm a step mom too) to. And honestly I'm super grateful. I used to do the craziest stuff and it was dangerous and unwise. Now- I certainly am aware that I'm putting a lot on my plate right now, but it's all good stuff. I'm trying to lose weight, quit smoking, and find activities to be closer to the community and my kids. I feel like the change is both with aging and also becoming a mother really calmed me down overall.",Bipolar +50110,"Bipolar and bpd diagnosis I know there's a chance somone can be bipolar and have borderline personality disorder. Was it difficult for someone who has both bipolar and bpd disorder to get diagnosed? + +I know some symptoms overlap but from what I know what helps bipolar be diagnosed officially is the clear cut mood swings (correct me if I'm wrong ) and I assume bpd effects those manic and depressive episodes. Let me know ur experience",Bipolar +50063,"I came to the realization I'm mentally ill Sounds like a ""duh"", I know. I know I'm bipolar. I got off my meds and it's been 2 or 3 weeks I think... Some part of me figured if I was gonna lose it I'd lose it instantly I guess. So I didn't notice when the impending sense of doom came back.. does anyone else feel like you're holding your breath waiting to breath but the breathing never comes and it's slowly crushing you?? Between that I've started to believe something bad is gonna happen to me. I can physically feel I'm not interpretting the world the way I used to on my meds... I think I might be a smidge psychotic without my anti-pychotics. I know I need to get back on my meds, this is the first I've made this mistake,... guess I wanna know I'm not alone.",Bipolar +46618,"I have the urge to break up with my SO when I’m manic Whenever I stop taking my seroquil for a while, I start to feel manic and can’t resist the urge to break up with my boyfriend. When I’m not manic, I really love him and he’s been my rock through everything and I adore him BUT when I’m manic I feel suffocated by him and I want to run and ghost him and I just don’t understand??? + + +Has anyone ever felt like this? What can help? I try reminding myself of reasons why I love my SO to calm myself down and sort of talk myself down",Bipolar +45743,"Lamictal literally saved my life but one side effect is.... Within ten months I tried to end my life twice. After seeking treatment, I finally got lucky and a new doctor diagnosed me correctly as Bipolar Type 2. I've been on Lamictal for about two years now and I can't begin to describe how it saved me. + +I'm now an advocate for mental health in my day job, fighting to protect what little protection our healthcare system provides (I'm an American, clearly). + +Anyway, about four months ago I started noticing a very small and slight downgrade in my vision. It doesn't effect my driving ability, but it does mean I have trouble tracking fast movements on my television. + +Action scenes are generally fine if a bit hard to track, but 2d sidescrollers like Mario are a MESS (let alone Sonic, lol). Its almost like I see objects ""trail"" behind me. I'm worried that the symptoms will get worse. + +I take about 250MG daily, so a relatively low dose from what I gather. + +How can I treat my loss of vision, if indeed it is the Lamictal? I went to an optometrist and he confirme that my eyesight is largely fine, so its not that.",Bipolar +49757,"In a deep depression My fiancé left me on Monday and I’m in a deep depression. She gave no sign that she was unhappy or anything and just left. I’m suffering badly and don’t want to be here right now. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to her but she wants nothing to do to with me. We had so many plans and dreams with each other. Last week we were looking at places to get married. I’m fucking miserable and don’t know what to do. + +I called my provider but earliest she can see me is the 10th. My anxiety and paranoia are extremely high and I just want my brain to shut off. It doesn’t help that it’s possible I’m schizoaffective disorder and not bipolar. I just want her back and to hear her laugh again.",Bipolar +50059,"Running out of treatment options, I have no hope anymore. I’ve tried everything to make life manageable. I’ve been through 3 doctors, been emitted, TMS and ketamine therapy, everything. This has being going on for the past 5 years, and to no avail have things gotten better. I’m currently on Zoloft, lithium and lamictal, but I don’t know how much they are helping if I feel like shit all the time. Ketamine felt great in the moment, but nothing long term. All 3 psychiatrists have run out of options for me, and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that things will never get better.",Bipolar +49640,Does your mania/hypomania ALWAYS end with depression after? Or has there been times where it hasn't for you? Asking to be hopeful because I'm sure I'm going through mania right now and I was only out of depression for like 2 weeks before this hit. I really hope there's a chance I won't flip back there. I'm still trying to get my habits back in place that I fell out of and really can't afford to be screwed with depression for another 6+ weeks.,Bipolar +46450,Do Lamictal side effects go away? I’m on my 3rd day of 25mg Lamictal and I am SO drowsy and disoriented. I can’t think or even walk straight. I have no motivation to do anything and it’s made me more depressed. I told my psychiatrist and he says it will only last the first few days and I should keep taking it. Will it actually go away or should I insist on being prescribed something else? ,Bipolar +46029,"I'll be without lithium until monday (and other concerns) I haven't had lithium for roughly 33 hours. I talked to my nurse at my psychiatrists and he said I should probably just feel irritable and ""offkilter"" (idk what this means?) until monday until I get my meds prescribed. Are there any other side effects I should be on the look out for? + +However, doing research I found out about how toxic lithium can be to your kidneys and thyroid and whatnot. Lithium works unbelievably well for me - my moods are completely stable on lithium. How likely are these horrible side effects and I realize I should talk to my psych about this ( i see him tuesday) but does anyone have any advice on this? Should I stick with lithium or try something else? Does anyone have any personal experience with lithium fucking them over medically?",Bipolar +46740,"Experiences on Zyprexa? I've been on Zyprexa since the summer time and was wondering if anyone would like to share their experiences with it. I am not sure if I like it and am considering asking for a switch. + +PROS: full night sleep every night, no mania symptoms + +CONS: gained 40 lbs, seems to completely cancel out the effects of my ADHD medicine (vyvanse), bit more prone to depressive episodes + +Anyone else on this drug?",Bipolar +45423,"Seroquel and snoring Hi all. I’ve been on 150mg of seroquel for about 2 months now and I am snoring like a grizzly bear. I’ve never had a snoring problem before and my husband is getting tired of sleeping on the couch! Any experience with this or advice? Will it go away? + +Thanks!",Bipolar +45712,"I have bipolar, so I blog... I'm not sure if this is helpful in any way, but this is my therapy, I blog. I try to blog almost every day and my goal in life is to end the stigma of mental illness especially surrounding bipolar disorder. If anyone wants to check it out its tiffrenae.com. What's your therapy?",Bipolar +46477,"Should I get my own apartment? (currently living with parents) Hi guys, + +I am currently apartment hunting with the approval of my step-father who has agreed to help pay for an apartment of my own while I wait for disability benefits. I think it would be very helpful and therapeutic for me if I created my own space that I deemed to be sacred and worth my time. One of the fears that I have is that I would feel alone in this apartment, and fall into depression and anxiety. Maybe my meds will help with that. Also I have anxiety about needing to go out and get groceries on a weekly basis. But maybe this would be good for me and I would be able to hit up the natural food stores. I also would choose not to bring my cat with me (who is very therapeutic and supportive) because she is happy here at this home. But I won't have her around. Maybe I could get a small fish aquarium. Also I would have space for some small fitness equipment, like a kettle bell and barbell. Well I hope that if I do get an apartment it will be a good decision. I just don't want to be alone and depressed. But I am sure that is normal for many of us who live alone. We just have to make sure we have a solid routine of having activities to do outside the house and around people. ",Bipolar +45937,"Cymbalta and Abilify Hi, I’m currently on 15mg of Abilify and have had a great experience with it. Yesterday, I started 20mg of Cymbalta. Any experience with these meds? ",Bipolar +46999,"Stability doesn't mean it's time to get lazy. Stability isn't guaranteed in the future even if you are doing great now. Things happen in life that can change everything. It's important to practice all the good skills you have when you're doing well because you'll need them when life with BD gets hard. + +I have been inpatient free for 10 years. A recent hormonal change has brought me back to a place where I'm getting close to needing it. However, all the good things I've built up are really being put to use now. I'm glad I have that stability toolbox. I also know things can and will get better.",Bipolar +51279,"What to tell my therapist? I have a therapy session today and it basically determines my entire future. I’m 19 and currently studying, and my school is basically just for people in therapy. I couldn’t imagine going to a normal school at this point. +My therapist pretty much told me she’d stop seeing me if I didn’t show any improvement, and I told her that my life would be over if that happened. +I wasn’t trying to be dramatic, it’s just true. Not only would I be kicked out, but I also wouldn’t have a school to go to as I can’t function in a regular school setting. +I know very well that I haven’t shown any improvement since the last time we spoke and idk what to tell her when she asks me about it. +I’ve considered lying but I’m pretty shit a it. She’s quite terrible but It’s so difficult to switch therapists here that Idk what to do.",Personality disorder +51258,"Anyome else feel like an outcast everywhere they go? Even in online spaces? Like even in discord servers for lonely people and foreveralone people or other groups, everyone is still more talkative and text a lot and dm each other in those places. I don't dm anyone, ever. And rarely does anyone feel like dming me. It's like something is wrong with me. I feel disconnected from people but idk how to establish a connection. I don't even have the motivation to try to do it anymore. But it makes me sad when even other socially malfunctioning people thrive in niche communities and I can't. It's like I suck everywhere I go and I'm always an outcast. Meanwhile others are still capable of forming bonds. It's an awful feeling.",Personality disorder +50898,"I hate my crush for further reinforcing my insecurities I met him on vacation, and we hung out for two days together at the swimming pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I've known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They all told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like ""oh look your boyfriend's here"". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. Ever. All my life, I was treated as a freak, so I was just glad for this opportunity for something special. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got really mad at our friends for telling me. + +He cut off all contact with with me after. I blocked him on Instagram after he rejected my Instagram request. I was so sad that the guy I liked decided it would be best if he never saw me again. The one person who saw me for all the good I have to offer, and he still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he still looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I've never had the privilege of falling in love before, and he just took it away from me. How could we truly ever be in love when he didn't want me? When he chose to let me fall into the abyss? I trusted him. I had confidence that he was a nice person, and it was all a lie.",Personality disorder +51111,"Male to female ratio in avpd I feel like I’m one of the very few women in this world suffering from avpd. Curious to see how many people on this sub are women vs men. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11c09nm)",Personality disorder +51468,"Fear of harming others I wonder if this applies to you guys as well, because, honestly, this may just be my quirk. + +I noticed that I don’t contribute much to conversations because I have this weird fear of accidentally offending or hurting the people I’m talking to. It’s like walking on eggshells: I overthink everything a thousand times before actually saying it. + +It’s also why I shy away from relationships. I don’t want my partner to be unhappy because of me, so I don’t even try.",Personality disorder +51458,"Casual dating How do you deal with casually dating? Got out of an long term relationship a few months ago, wasn't looking for anything serious and just dating for fun. And then the man I was dating told me he was hitting it off with his ex gf again. And I started to spiral badly down the I'm not good enough hole.. although I'm not even looking for a serious relationship. Sometimes it's difficult to differentiate between normal human experience and my disorder in terms of what are socially expected feelings or behaviors in these kind of situations.",Personality disorder +50858,"AITA if I don't want to take a 10 Hour road trip with my friend to go have coffee with our other friend? + +Long story short as possible we've been ""best"" friends for almost 30 years. They both moved away from our home town over ten years ago. Now the one who lives 15+ hours away is coming for a few weeks in the summer and she wants to drive to see the one who lives a little over five hours away. He only has the day to visit. + +I am not on vacation, in fact, she's coming during a time I can't really take",Personality disorder +51599,"NEED a different career. Help! Are there any jobs that people are surviving with? Preferably something remote. + +I do play based therapy with toddlers with autism and my client is not doing well in a classroom environment that he moved to in December. There is a boy who seeks him out and tries to bully him. + + Yesterday this girl in the classroom confronts me about how his tantrums are not because he is overwhelmed but insinuating that I cause the behaviors because I let him out of activities when he is upset. + + +Well, I don't want to traumatize a 2 year old, so I do try to be sensitive to him and his needs. I think putting a 2 year old with a lot of sensitivities in a loud classroom was a bad idea anyway. It is 3am and I can't sleep because of this. I need a new job, I need a new job, I need a new job. I just don't know what.",Personality disorder +50870,Are there any small group chats? Aside from this big discord one?,Personality disorder +51058,"a guy I don’t know if this is the right place to post, but there is this guy in my uni, he is very enthusiastic with me, maybe because I was nice with him when I saw him depressed (still says he is), he spends so much time alone. +but I don’t know how to return the enthusiasm, and I feel so disappointed in myself after each convo with him, I have never had any friend growing up, so I don’t have that much experience when talking to people, but he is a really nice person and I don’t wanna keep disappointing him. +sometimes I avoid him just cuz I don’t wanna keep giving him more depression out of my dryness.",Personality disorder +51001,"Is it just me? or trying to make a friend with someone who has a lot of other friends making me feel bad about myself Like I won't be accepted as their other friends, like this person has a lot of other friends too and I'm totally replaceable, so I start to panic and then try to end the friendship quickly, like not intending to ruin it, I just feel I won't be accepted, I feel new, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.. Like sometimes I feel I need someone who is just like me, with no friends and totally weird in social world .. idk it's just the thought of talking to someone who is more like.. extroverted to other people making me feel sick, like so fucking sick, Like why and how do you talk to people? How did you even find this amount of supportive loving friends who accepted you? why that isn't me?.. I'm just so hurt that I dealt with since I was literally a child.. I hate myself so much + +I have been diagnosed with AvPD last month, and I didn't know what was it, I think I have it combined with Anxiety and Depression and C-PTSD as well.. I think I'm sure of this since my psychiatrist said that. + +Idk anymore what to do with my life.. I want friends who are like me and.. well.. LIKE me, Idk anymore.",Personality disorder +50789,"AvPD and covid has ruined my dream job. So I've been a nanny for about 10 years now (daycare before that) and one of the best parts of the job was extremely minimal adult interaction. I'd go to work, one of the parents would tell me what I needed to know and then went to work. When they got back in the evening we'd say ""goodnight"" and that was it. + +Since covid, however, at least one of the parents works from home. I currently work for a family with BOTH parents work from home. It's terrible. I jump at every noise that might mean they are coming to ""say hi"" to their kid. I worry so much about where they are, what they think they're hearing when I talk to their baby, my appearance, the way I dress. I imagine they're mocking the way I sneeze or they're disgusted by my weight gain. + +I am very good at my job but my anxiety is so distracting it makes everything so much harder. I can't tell you how many times I've tossed my phone across the room when I hear footsteps coming because even if I am only looking up the weather or craft ideas I'm terrified they'll think I'm on the phone all day.",Personality disorder +50990,,Personality disorder +50844,"I don't know what to do anymore I'm so tired. I'm so bored. i don't do anything. I am not capable of doing anything. Everytime I try, i fail. I mess up. I cannot do anything. I cannot do anything right. I want to disappear. I cannot stand this.",Personality disorder +51086,"Pet Peeve: When people think I owe them conversation triggers my AvPD bad. Does anyone else get annoyed when either family or strangers get an attitude with you if you don't entertain their conversation? I can be civil and nice IRL. I'm not walking around telling people eff you, eff this, eff that. However, the WORST ones are the people that think they are giving me golden advice like ""hey, don't do drugs"" but they have never known me to do such things. It's painting me in a bad light for me to agree with the advice willy nilly. But the kicker is: they get upset if I escalate and say I don't do drugs to begin with? Do I look like a crack head to them? + +They take it as me being **immature** and unable to take advice. So I am supposed to sit here and entertain disrespectful conversation with people giving me advice on not to be irresponsible and that's what makes someone mature? This has happened with strangers too where they think they can talk to me about avoiding marriage cause theirs suck or dating because of their own griefs. Whether I get married or whatever I do is not their business. + +I usually only get approached with stupid conversations like that by family. They get big mad when I shut it down. The only carrot they dangle over my head is money. I straight up rather be homeless than listen to me being accused of driving recklessly or my mom threatening about my insurance rates going up. New flash: It's my brother's car that has a smashed door because he crashed. My car is fine n dandy.",Personality disorder +51722,"Why do I keep letting friends go It's not like it's hard for me to make friends, but keeping them seems almost impossible. I inevitably just stop messaging because it feels too difficult. I hate that I'm like this because I desperately do need connection, but I can never hold onto something once it's there.",Personality disorder +50968,"AvPD moms and Dads Does anyone think their mother or father has AvPD? + + I am pretty sure my dad has it. I see little signs here and there sometimes, and just what I've been told as well. He has a hard time finding a ""real"" job until he was 26. By real job, I don't mean anything fancy, I just mean full-time, steady work. He had a hard time asking store clerks where an item was located. When I asked him how he overcame his ""extreme shyness"", he replied that my mom bossed out it out of him. She has introverts in her family, but they can be loud, and opinionated as well. My dad will talk on the phone when necessary but would never have a 2-hour phone call just for the sake of it. There is just other signs here and there. + +&#x200B; + +Have you seen any signs in your mom or dad or other relatives? I know there's a genetic component and you mix that with environment and boom, you get to deal with this lovely disorder.",Personality disorder +51821,"Does AvPD have another name in your language? In English there's both avoidant and anxious, whereas in German there's ängstlich-vermeidende (anxious-avoidant) and selbstunsichere (self insecure). The latter got me wondering if there are other names for it across the world.",Personality disorder +51136,"I'm thinking of my cat :( She's stuck with me, not of her own will. It's true, she has a strong bond with me but what if all of that is just forced? She loves meeting other humans, cats, dogs and even rabbits. I can't help her with any of that. + +I sometimes feel bad for my kitty. Like she deserves someone less avoidant. On the other hand, I spend 100% of my social energy on her so she's never starved for attention. And she has her ""own time"" staring out the window, which I resent but understand that she needs. I never impose on her when she's doing her cat things.",Personality disorder +51698,"Resentment Ever hate people because you can't ever be like them? I have this person in my class and she's so perfect, so put together, she makes me jealous. If I'm ever good at something she'll be better.... its like I can never be better than her in anything. I know I sound immature, dumb too but i needed to let this out.",Personality disorder +51664,"Expressing myself I feel like I’ve had a realization in the last few months that I wanted to share. It’s that one of the ways forward with this disability for me is to learn how to honestly express myself without distortion, and to do that constantly without regard for the fact that it causes me pain and discomfort. + + I used to cope with my issues by putting on a mask of a personality that I built using self help books and a desperate need for approval. Basically just the ‘fake it til you make it strategy’. Although I became more conventionally likable, it truly did not help in the long run as I was never able to get close to people. Now I am back to an ultimately isolated life. But I’m trying something different. + +It’s very challenging to me and not always doable but I think it is necessary. And that is to view socializing as a simple and honest expression of myself between others. When I have a thought or opinion or feeling, say it, put it out there in some way (for better or worse). Also, treat what others say as true expression of their being. This may sound silly but I think it is a subtle seeming thing that is actually big deal. + +As I said it’s challenging and not always doable, this is because +1. A deeply negative emotional and sometimes physical reaction to the idea of expressing most things in my mind for fear of embarrassment or rejection. +2. My brain going blank due to weariness and therefor not having anything to express. +3. The fact that isolation makes me depressed and lonely so the things on my mind can bring the vibe down. + +But regardless I realize that this is what I have to do, and that watching myself mindfully and purely expressing what’s on my mind is the only way forward. Usually what happens when I force something out is that I brace for impact. Brace for embarrassment, rejection, etc. Usually I assume that people are secretly embarrassed for me for whatever I said, but whether or not that is true isn’t important. + +I’ve been trying a lot of tools of expression such as music, writing, and drawing, and I think these are helping me learn how to express myself naturally. + +Anyway, I’m tired of pretending. Im not sure if I will ever be able to speak without fear and shame, but at least I won’t have to strain myself into a ‘safe’ caricature. Maybe this seems like crazy person thoughts but I hope someone relates or understands.",Personality disorder +50994,"Being Burned When Reaching Out I want to know if any of you have had this experience. + +Ever since I was a child, a pattern has been that I am verbally offered support and love, but when it matters and when I reach out for it, it would be rescinded. As a kid, I blamed myself and turned inward. As an adult, if I fall for an insincere invite for connection or help, I feel humiliated and angry with them and myself. I realize this has made me extra sensitive and I even expect to be rejected. It is extremely hard now to ask for help. When someone burns me, I don’t think I will ever trust them again—hard stop. When someone comes through, I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m not even sure of the word for the emotion of that. I’m crying as I write this. + +I think my expectations are too black and white, but I don’t know how to be change, other than to keep giving people chances.",Personality disorder +51746,,Personality disorder +51778,"I can't imagine what friendship would look like in my life I'm in my 40s now. The last time I had friends was in school. I'm not sure we would have been friends if the we hadn't been in the same environment day after day. Actually I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been. My friends mostly were other people who didn't have other friends, i.e. other outsiders. + +We'd meet to play computer games, or sometimes (rarely) go swimming. But we never really talked about personal stuff. I'm not even sure this counts as friendship? + +Anyway...so I've been without that kind of social connection for a long time now. Too busy struggling with education and work and health and life in general to engage in hobbies. + +I think I really have no idea what friendship is apart from seeing it on TV or remembering childhood friends. Is it more than spending time together and watching TV or engaging in hobbies together? Am I even capable of friendship? + +Consequently, friendship isn't something I've been looking for. Maybe if I knew what I'm missing out on, I would? + +I'm about to embark on a psychotherapy journey again, and I feel unprepared. What do I even want?",Personality disorder +51707,"New to the community/diagnosis Hey all, +I was just diagnosed with AvPD yesterday (along with some other things), and to be honest, I still feel a little shell shocked. I'm still learning more about the diagnoses obviously, but I wanted to ask what tips or lessons the community has for a newbie like me. What do you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed? I've been working on overhauling my brain for a few years, and I want to avoid falling into a trap where I just give up before I can fail (as it is my tendency to do).",Personality disorder +51552,"Dying of cringe from a poor social interaction today. How the hell do I cope? I can't focus on work or do anything because of cringe making me want to scream, and furthermore, my friend teased me about it... + +Makes me wanna stay inside for the next decade or so.",Personality disorder +51421,,Personality disorder +51817,"Mentally Exhausted I have been very mentally exhausted. + +I don’t mind working long hours at my job, it’s just at my job there’s a lot of people around (since it’s a large store connected to a bunch of departments.) A few months since I graduated high school I’ve been working. But I can’t seem to really talk to people. I have a tendency to avoid the groups, sometimes I can’t even open my mouth. + +It’s even worse when I think about how much I suck, and how awful I look. I feel like an inconvenience and a burden, because plainly I am pretty stupid. Even though at the beginning of my job I was putting on a smile and a happy voice to convince myself it was okay, I can’t even get myself to smile or look people in the eyes unless I have to. I am so exhausted. + +I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am depressed, both mentally and physically tired. I really have no plans for my future.",Personality disorder +51261,"Affronting the world (edit : I'm not native, I directly translated ""affronter"", but I guess ""face"" the world is more common to use) + +made me realize how little I know about anything. Once you start to avoid, it's a never ending cycle. You seek to forget the real wolrd, and once you try to avoid the avoidance, you understand how much you're behind, to the point where it seems impossible to catch up. + +I have dropped highschool a few years ago. Never studied more, got a diploma or worked. don't really have any friend, never had a partner. I get too anxious with anything social, even multiplayer games. In the past 6 years I have left my house like, twenty times. I'm driven by AvPD, and have very poor hygiene due to self-neglect and depression. I'm not skilled in anything, not particularly intelligent either, definitely not physically gifted, and absolutely hideous.\ +try to get a normal life with that background lol. I feel worthless, I have so much shame against myself, it sounds so hard. For the first time I want to find a way out and not rot in my room, for the first time I have ambitions. It's so hard. It's like living was not made for me, I think I was a mistake, not supposed to live this far -or at all-. + +I'll keep trying though. wish me luck",Personality disorder +50916,"Sent desperate message to a family member and got 0 response. Is it okay to unsend it? My mother has a drinking problem. I don’t have much contact with her as she ran away for drugs when I was a kid, but have tried to be a part of her life now for a few years. She was in rehab and were now a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but then she called me the other day very drunk and it hurt me so much and made me worried. I sent a message to my family member who has the most contact with her where I said she was drinking again, that I feel really sad and I don’t know what to do, feel helpless, etc. I also sent something similar to my grandpa, because he’s working with her (she lives in a psychiatric apt). Now it’s been days and I’ve gotten no response. I feel anxious and regret sending the messages, they probably think I was on drugs or crazy for sending desperate messages like that, and therefore not responding. I want to unsend the messages but I’m not sure if that would be acceptable to do, or look weirder if I do that. I’m considering texting my grandpa something else after unsending, but my other family member I don’t know that well and can’t really do that. I realize I shouldn’t text her again after this as it’s obvious she wants no contact and now I’ve embarrassed myself. + +Would you unsend in this situation? Or any other good advice? + +Sorry for the rant.",Personality disorder +51809,"crippling guilt from my inability to answer texts I don’t know how common this is but it’s extremely difficult for me to find the strength in me to text people back and it’s killing my (nonexistent) social life and the possibility of ever finding love. I live in constant guilt/dread knowing that I have people in my DMs trying to contact me to hang out, but my fear of embarrassment and awkwardness is freaking killing me. All i’ve ever wanted was to belong and be able to make friends, but my brain literally stops me in my tracks. It’s also necessary to note that I have ADHD (primarily inattentive) and once I take my medication, I’m lucky to have maybe 30min of adequate dopamine levels to push myself and reply. Sometimes I do reply, but when I go back to baseline I just want to isolate and be in my dark room. I really feel like I’m being tortured by my own brain. It’s a terrible feeling to crave social interaction but to also be deathly afraid of the possibility that I could ruin everything and be viewed as an embarrassment. I really don’t feel worthy of having the opportunity to make friends. My SSRIs have made me so numb and my personality rarely sparkles anymore, so I can’t imagine anyone would want to be around someone so dull. + +Do any of you relate?? It feels like a mental trap.",Personality disorder +51516,"Contemplating So I've noticed that when I contemplate my inevitable death, I feel strange. I can think about if I die tomorrow, the next day, or amy other time, but when I remind myself that it is virtually impossible for me to live past say 120ish, it feels different. + +I think about how nothing I do will ever prevent me from dying, and really, it is the only time I feel so...human. I feel small and frankly insignificant because nothing I ever do will amount to anything in the face of eternity. + +A hundred years after I die, what should I care? I'd be dead, so whatever I do will only matter to others if it even reaches that far. Besides, by that point whatever hopes I had that my actions benefited someone is dead alongside me. + +What I'm getting at is, I'm nothing more than a collection of matter that gets some pointless shot at doing something for myself and the other matter blobs around me. It feels very human to me, that feeling of nigh nothingness. + +That is why I'd consider myself religious, because it's the voice inside that tells me something as pointless as me is seen and cared about, and that the things that I do will matter for the rest of eternity. + + I know it sounds crazy, and people have told me repeatedly that I'm stupid for believing in anything, but what else do I have? I've gotten as close to the edge as I could before, just to see if I would do it. Clearly I didn't, but if I didn't have some hope that my faith is worth it, well, you know. + +Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I'm religious because it makes me feel wanted, like I have a purpose, even if it's not entirely clear to me or anyone else really. + +I hope y'all have good coping mechanisms too, because I can take a good guess at what my life would look like if I didn't have my faith. + +And for those of you who were hurt in some way because of someone's religion, I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that. Nobody should have to experience that. And I hope you don't think any less of me for my faith, I wouldn't try to hurt someone just because they disagree with me, and I don't get to choose how you live your life. + +At the end of the day, I do sincerely hope y'all are doing okay. ❤️",Personality disorder +51183,"I'm just very lost and exhausted, so here's a little about my situation I struggle with extreme avpd, I've been to therapy for 8 years, with many different people. And I just feel like I'm sinking lower and lower as time goes by. It has gone too far and now I'm in a situation where I struggle to even open the front door or open my mouth to speak. I've lost the few friends I had years ago cause of the severe anxiety I felt and the panic attacks I had after meeting them. I live with my dad but I rarely talk to him cause even that is too hard for me. I studder opon my words and feel like I can't even have a regular conversation with my own parents without the severe stress I feel. + +I feel so hopeless and fragile. All I wanna do Is keep caging myself inside my room with my distractions. But I'm also incredibly unbearably lonely and ache for genuine human connection. But I know I'd never be able to have that in the near future, if ever.",Personality disorder +51215,"Anyone else like me? I am 30 years old never had a job, never moved out of my parents house, have only one friend and have never been in a relationship. I’m so ashamed of myself but at the same time I have no motivation to change and am so depressed all I ever wanna do is sleep or lay in bed playing games and watching YouTube. Is anyone else like this? If you were and were able to make changes ( ie get a job move out) was a difficult to make friends? Did people ridicule you and reject you once they found out how pathetic you were?",Personality disorder +50719,"I suspect myself of having AvPD I am turning 17 in a month and a half and I suspect myself of having AvPD, I am trying to do more research on the disorder, I am not going to self diagnose, but I am hoping people who are diagnosed can tell me more about the traits and what its like having AvPD.",Personality disorder +51364,"People don't take this disorder seriously enough. They're acting like we're just doing this to be lazy. It's not our fault our brains are like this. My birth giver is nagging and cussing me out for not going to school, I understand that this could be frustrating for a parent, but I already told her about my problem with going to school, I risked that knowing that she's narcissistic and judgemental, but even after all the explanations, she still thinks going to school for me is easy. She then goes on to say ""kids these days are so onion skinned"" (which means someone who has shallow tears) and then goes on and say ""I didn't spoil you kids"". + +Didn't it ever occur to her that maybe I'm like this because she abused us as children? That she screams at us every chance she gets? That she didn't treat us with respect and neglected us? + +It's not just ""kids these days"", people have been battling with mental health for hundreds of years, it's just ""popular"" now because people actually value mental health now and are seeking for help. + +It's so funny because she acts so caring and worried when talking to my teacher, but then acts so judgemental and close minded when talking to me.",Personality disorder +51049,"Current 'golden' standard: High school degree, college degree, full-time job, financially stable, boyfriend/girlfriend, children, social life, friends, physically attractive, and mentally stable. How many of these do y'all have?",Personality disorder +51145,What do people even talk about Like when they hang out... go to a bar or a cafe or just hang out at home or something.. just such a foreign concept to me lol,Personality disorder +51526,"The Loneliness Epidemic [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health) + +What do you guys think about this? I can tell you that I've run ultramarathons and pushed my body well past it's limits (not bragging or anything might be the one thing I'm actually decent at lol), but there is nothing that compares to the crushing feeling of loneliness.",Personality disorder +50813,"one interaction ruins the whole day If I interact with 5 people a day, 4 turn out to be ok, and the other 1 will destroy my whole mood. is it not better not to interact with all 5?",Personality disorder +50958,"Feeling like an empty body with nothing inside. I’m a 24 year old female and I never developed my own personality. I also suspect I have autism because I did a lot of research and I just know my brain is wired differently. I can’t hold friendships and I hurt them because I keep them on a distance. They can’t help me and see mee struggling and getting in abusive relationships because my self esteem is so low. +Because of this I have a lot of trauma’s. When I was a kid I was neglected by my parents because they were addicts. I lived in a psychiatrical hospital for a long time cause I tried to commit suicide. It wasn’t a serious attempt. I just didn’t know how to get out of the situation. + +Anyway I’m 24 now and I’ve learned a lot so far. Between my 18-22 I did a lot of drugs and I felt “normal”. I felt like people wanted to be friends with me because I was social and talkative and not scared at all. But deep down I knew it was fake. The friendships I build were fake. I tried for so many years to adapt myself to others just to fit in. And next to that I was in an abusive relationship. I was paranoid and stressed. Always scared they’d find out the real me. And I did this for so long I don’t even remember who I am right now. +I am depressed, diagnosed with ptsd, AvPD and traits of borderline disorder. I asked for a psychological diagnosis for autism but they didn’t think I have enough traits to fit the criteria. I don’t really care about labels but I feel like there is something really wrong with me. +I’m an alien in this world. It feels so alone. + +Sorry for the long text. I’m prone to addiction and Im addicted to Xanax right now. I get admitted to a rehab clinic this Friday for 21 nights and then straight after that to Portugal for intense therapy. I’m glad to have this opportunity and I’ll definitely get out of my comfort zone. I know they won’t fix my problems but it’ll hopefully give me the push I need to work hard. Cause I do believe I can find out who I am and make real friends without being fake. + +I have hope and I want you to have it too💜 +We’re all different with different stories but the one thing that is so important; getting out of your comfort zone. Do things that are scary. Take baby steps. Don’t set the bar too high for yourself. Everyone is different so you can’t compare yourself to others. + +Good luck everyone and “just keep swimming”🐟",Personality disorder +51593,"Interview anxiety Hi all, + +I’ve been job searching since August but now that I have an offer for an in-person interview 2 days from now, I’m really struggling to respond, just to say that I can make it. I guess my education makes me very overqualified for it or something, and it’s seemingly a relatively asocial role, but the thought of even going to the interview fills me with anxiety. I know I have to change my circumstances but the clearest opportunities to do so are the points of greatest resistance.",Personality disorder +50703,"I desperately wish/ want to live alone but physically/financially cant I have always dreamed, goal of mine to get away from my family and all people if I worked hard I could live by myself and never ever have any obligation to speak to another human being so long as I had my ducks in a row both financially and in general (think ordering groceries and just leave it at the door, tip well, go away). I'm getting older and I hate how much I keep needing to interact with people, I don't have anyone in my life other than my parents but even they are on my last tiny nerves... except we've been needing eachothers help a lot. + +They're old and need help, I'm getting older and sometimes need help when im getting sick or life happens. This flop era is turning into a flop lifetime. I'm drained seeing people. + +I just want to wake up 1 day in my own place and hear complete and total silence, never cross paths with another human being, never make eye contact or play the dumb game of ""social interaction"" and just have enough... stuff to get my needs met. Not even an escape I just want to exist solely.",Personality disorder +50735,Everything has an End I often fantasize comitting suicide.. its bad but I feel this is only way out. All my life since I was a little I've been incredibly distressed and downtrodden and broken inside. Been longing for a break from all the misery but it has never occurred. The only thing that's keeping me a little hopeful is telling myself that everything has an End. What I experience has an end whether My life will improve or simply just Die. Either way I welcome it.,Personality disorder +51026,,Personality disorder +51428,"Do you ever feel sickly from the loneliness/overbearing anxiety? I've been feeling like shit the past few days and I can't help but tie it in with the suffocating loneliness and the fear of... Everything. + +I can't be alone in this, right?",Personality disorder +51589,"Trying to explain the main difference between Social Anxiety and AvPD One of the most common questions on this subreddit is the difference between SAD and AvPD. Lately I've been trying to put it like this: + +**Social anxiety:** I'm afraid they'll see how nervous I am (fear of embarrassment) +**AvPD:** I'm afraid they'll see how inept I am (fundamental belief of inferiority) + +On top of that, AvPD is more severe (prevalent in every aspect of life) and persistant (there's no periods where you DON'T feel it), whereas SAD is situational (you might not feel anxiety in every social situation and go through periods where you feel less/no anxiety). But the belief of being inferior has to be the main thing that sets AvPD apart from SAD. Because of this deep-rooted belief, every social interaction, everything someone says can be taken as rejection and therefore as a confirmation of our beliefs about ourselves. Even positive situations can confirm these beliefs ('they like me now, but once they really know me they'll hate me' or 'they're only pretending to like me'). Another thing is, the belief of inferiority often shows up *outside* of social situations: e.g. avoiding doing homework/writing essays or even hobbies because you feel like it wouldn't be good enough. + +Does this make sense? Please correct me if it's too generalizing. I might delete this post later",Personality disorder +51133,"Being avoidant and the pandemic I don’t know what it was about the pandemic that hit me but it hit me hard, and I still find myself stuck in so many ways. I was never so scared in my life. + +I became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave my house. I became obsessed with the news and the statistics. For someone who has been suicidal practically my whole life I was truly afraid of dying. + +Did anyone else find yourself getting worse through this and what did you do to get past it? + +When I go to doctors appts they still make us wear masks and that scares me a bit still. Like what do they know that we don’t? + +I’m sure I’m overthinking things like I do with everything else. My daughter is anti vaxx and it worries me too, I’ve had them all as a precaution since my health isn’t the best now. + +I was working in retail at the time and watched the panic from everyone in the stores…and now I’m on disability because I’ve gotten so bad about it. It’s crazy.",Personality disorder +51175,,Personality disorder +51002,"Severe anxiety, phone addiction and clinginess I am slightly shaking as I'm writing this. I hope this post isn't all over the place. + +&#x200B; + +I have tried everything to combat my phone addiction; from productivity apps to uninstalling social media (and reinstalling them again) etc. I gave up on school, despite having been a very bright kid who skipped middle school grades as an immigrant to a new country, but now I'm an extremely miserable and depressed 19 year old girl with absolutely no life and with severe anxiety. I keep my mind occupied by scrolling endlessly on my phone. My go-to coping mechanism used to be daydreaming, but now even daydreaming costs too much energy and the content of the dreams are almost involuntary and disturbing, so now I dissociate differently through scrolling endlessly and losing track of time as well as my surroundings, for 10+ hours a day. Now, my heart is beating hard and I'm feeling extra anxious and panicky, all because I turned off my phone. I tried to get away from my laptop too, but here I am writing this. I have pretty noticeable chest pain as a reaction of trying to avoid numbing my brain scrolling on tiktok. I feel pathetic. + + + Currently, I am having a really bad time. I feel left out and abandoned. My only friend and boyfriend, who's the most wonderful human being, is out with his friends. I'm happy for him, but we haven't been able to call or play together for a week and even though I am an adult, I am not in a place where I can just go hang out with him. I kept my relationship with him a secret from my parent who I live with, to keep the peace and to not destroy the heart of my exceptionally kind, loving and sacrificial mother, who happens to be religious. My other siblings and I have disappointed her enough, especially me, her once very happy, intelligent, bright and ambitious baby. She knows I don't have friends, or a job, or any activities for that matter. I almost never leave the house except for going to my therapy sessions. So, coming up with excuses to see my boyfriend has also been a huge challange. He has done his absolute best during our relationship. He is the most caring, compassionate and nurturing partner of all time. He is my best friend, a person I can be playful and comfortable with, and I try not to make my AvPD or other mental health stuff effect him. I don't want him to feel guilty having fun with his friends, but I am so extremely jealous. He can go out and do whatever he wants and he has friends he can do things with. Even if I'm his priority, due to my circumstances I can't even make it all worth is. I'm currently depressed and have nothing fun to talk about or do, I can't even find excuses to leave the house. So I'm not blaming him, I am blaming myself for all of it. For how I feel, for the guilt I feel after realizing how jealous and bitter my feelings are, for being so uninteresting and for not doing more to change, + + +Trying not to use my phone now all of the sudden may also have to do with the fact that I don't want to stare at my notification the entire time, waiting for a text from him. If he doesn't text, I feel lonely and left out. If he does text, I feel like I will never experience ever going to places and parties with him and I get jealous. I don't let him know these feelings while I'm feeling them. I love this person immensely. He gets worried about me, and I don't want his weekend to be ruined by his clingy gf, even though when I have breakdowns of any kind he reassures me that I didn't ruin his day and he prioritizes me over other stuff in his day to just either come and be with me (we live in different cities) or call me until I feel better. + + +I want him to be happy. I have seen the positive impact I had on his life, and his impact on mine, and I'm scared that my loneliness and clinginess could hurt him, or hurt either of us, so I try to tone it down as much as I could. I'm tired, I miss him so much and I also feel bad for missing him, because I find it near impossible to do anything else with my time that he is the only thing left in my life.",Personality disorder +51332,"What do you guys think is the best motivator? Fear is one. It's, in my opinion, the worst motivator. It's like cocaine. Or alcohol. + +Love is another. Pride. Is hope one? + +What do you guys think is the best emotion to nurture and guide yourself by in the **very** long term?",Personality disorder +51170,"Anyone else move a lot during childhood? In 6th grade I moved to another state for about 6 months then I moved back to where I was up until my first or second year of highschool and then I moved again. I feel like this might be what cemented my social stagnation. I pretty much ghosted everyone I knew and every time I thought I was putting roots down I had to relocate. (although I didn't really have many friends but it still hurt) Because my mother didn't want anyone to know we were moving I just had to vanish. After losing friends, and not having a stable environment I think I pretty much gave up and have been a homebody/shut-in ever since. I wonder if this could contribute to AvPD (I'm not officially diagnosed yet by the way).",Personality disorder +51408,"Do AVPD attract Needy people? So my brand is of AVPD is very not giving a F about others. I care about people, but in a relationship context I do not care. I sometime tell new people that ask for instagram or contact, I don't need anymore friends. I've learned to put a super cold front to avoid people. + + +However there is a subset of people that go harder the more I push or ghost them away. I typically find that they are approval/people seeking and want to be liked by everyone. So often times a friendship with me is hard one with them doing 70percent of the effort. + + +Do you guys find this as a pattern?",Personality disorder +51427,"Fear of getting confidence Lately i been watching youtube videos about assertiveness and confidence, but i feel like i can't put it in act, because i believe if i will start to get assertive i would end up in some conflict, so i get in a state of fear of my actions, lately i'm really confused about my behaviours, probably watching even more stuff makes me overthinking even more, i can't relax a bit when i'm outside, i focus only on my body language and i feel like i'm not real sometimes... + +And confidence means illusion for me, my life is empty, i believe i will get disappointed if i illude myself with this fake confidence in life.",Personality disorder +50963,"It’s impossible to think for myself. I’ve always been 100% selfless. I put everyone first and I don’t give myself the time of day for nearly anything. There have only been a few times where I’ve stood up and tried to prioritize myself and it always ended in a dumpster fire. I always get put down, by others and myself. I feel like the universe is trying to punish me for trying to care about myself. I’ve been looking into what I want to do career wise and I’m leaning towards my dream job and becoming a mortician. I’ve never told anyone about my interest in the job because I know people will be very judging about it. I was talking to my mom earlier about career stuff and I got brave enough and told her about it. You can probably guess how she reacted. But she didn’t nearly react as harsh enough as my dad did. He walked into the room as we were talking and mom looked at him and went “She wants to be a mortician”. He instantly stopped moving and stared at me for 2 whole minutes with this absolute disgust on his face. He already made me feel like a disappointment without him opening his mouth yet. After what seemed like an eternity he said in a low and disgusted tone “You’re kidding me” then slowly turn around and walked away like I pissed him off or something. +People have reacted in that similar fashion to a lot of my interests. I know that field of work is looked in a taboo way by some people but I haven’t had such an unsettling, judgmental, self esteem killing reaction like that in a while. I don’t know why it hit me as hard as it has but it did. +How am I going to be able to function if I can’t handle people reacting about what my passions are like that? Every time I try to climb out of this abyss, I get hit with the tiniest pebble of judgment and it causes me to lose my grip and fall down deeper than I was before and the cycle just continues. +I feel so stupid thinking I could pull it off. I actually thought I could go into a job like this. I’m honestly giving up. I’m just going to stick to what I’m good at (most of the time) and just stay quiet. I’m never gonna get anywhere in life without AvPD reminding me that all I’m good at is telling people what they want to hear and stay in my room.",Personality disorder +50890,"The hole I'm in is deep, not sure I can get out I've always had a good amount of self-awareness but with that, I can see the depth of problems. I know the minimum depth and it is already potentially too much. My ability to change is not as much now, my brain is not set up for normal life. I've become institutionalized. I'm past 30yo, I can't relate to average people, I'm cynical of most, and the ones I'm not cynical of want nothing to do with me.",Personality disorder +51202,"You lot don't exist. Who am I talking to? WHY am I talking to? There's no one here! This is a faceless screen, a faceless website. There's no one actually here. No one can hear me. No one can see me either. I don't exist. You don't exist. I'm not actually talking to anyone. It's just my phone. Or my laptop. Talking back to me. Every day. No one actually will hear me. Where am I? How did I get here? Why do I even feel emotionally attached to some voices coming from my phone? You lot don't exist! I don't exist!",Personality disorder +51572,"Disillusioned by therapy Maybe I'm being too critical, but I feel like therapy has not been helpful to me. I had finally reached out for help just before the pandemic and was seeing a therapist. She was extremely nice and it did help finally having someone to talk to. When everything switched to remote sessions during the pandemic, it seemed like she rushed through our sessions and sometimes they would be over in 15 minutes. I didn't confront her about this. I ended up just ghosting. I'm not happy with myself for doing that, but it's part of this illness I guess. + +I then went through my local university because I had read they had a good social anxiety program and saw a few a student therapists, again all very nice people, but I still felt stuck. About a year after seeing a few student therapists, I was informed my current student therapist was finishing their program and that I would need to find a new therapist outside of their program. They offered to show me how to find one on Psychology Today. I was already well aware of how to do this and was a bit surprised with how it seemed like they were just dumping me off. + +I'm 31 years old. It took me decades to finally ask for help. I'm not blaming anyone and I need to put in the work to succeed, but I have to say I was a bit disillusioned by the whole therapy experience. Just being honest.",Personality disorder +51454,"Realizing that the world doesn't care about your feelings and your life-story is sort of liberating. It's helping me resolve my avoidant characteristics. + +It's helping me fight off people's neuroticism and hystericism.",Personality disorder +51679,"I got in a bad car accident the other day and the worst part is having to talk to insurance people on the phone🤦‍♀️ +maybe this isn’t the best place to post this but literally why am I like this? I could’ve fucking died and I’m more scared of talking to people on the phone. maybe I’d find it a little funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. aren’t normal people supposed to be more traumatized about the actual crash/near death experience? meanwhile I’m over here basically having a panic attack over having to talk to people over the phone about it. this is ridiculous.",Personality disorder +50882,"I get very down when people don't include me socially, but But, I don't even wanna get to know them at all? It's like, I'll get sad and feel like no one wants to be around me and I'm excluded a lot. I'm never the first choice. But if I actually get it my way and get included and someone try to befriend me, I suddenly lose interest and change my mind. It's very annoying. I know I actually don't wanna befriend anyone right now, but I get sad when I'm excluded or not chosen regardless. I wish I could be more careless. + +I know why this is tho. Because if they actually show interest in befriending me and they find me pleasant to be around I will get kinda overexcited and will be with them at all times, and sometimes that scares people away. It's either I avoid people like the plague or I get too attached. Both is equally as bad tbh. + +But, I can't help but feel sad when I see people get along so well so easily and so fast, while I'm sitting by myself. There's times I starve, not on purpose, but because I don't wanna sit in the cafeteria at school. Where do I even sit. This week I've only eaten two pizza slices and some candy, also drank some chocolate milk. I just don't wanna be around anyone. I managed to grab some dinner from the cafeteria earlier tho (I live on campus). + +I have two years left of my time at school and I'm trying to just force myself through it all. I know I won't get better and I can't try as much as I would like, but I know I'll go back to being avoidant the second something goes wrong. I can be the most friendliest person you've ever met and be lively and bubbly, but the very second someone shows the most minuscule sign they don't enjoy being around me, I start to go into avoidant mode. I'll lock myself up in my room and go offline from all social medias, play games all day, appetite depletes and all that stuff. It can last for months. + +Well anyways, that was just a little rant if you will. I don't have anyone to talk to obviously and thought maybe someone here would understand and relate. At least it helps a little",Personality disorder +51459,"How do you feel about social media? Having it, posting, seeing what other people are up to etc.. +Reddit doesn’t count. I’m referencing instagram, Facebook etc where you have to put public information about yourself in there",Personality disorder +50840,"AvPD, can be avoiding woman only? I wonder if avoiding woman can be AvPD? I have avoided woman almost my whole life, at some point in high school I liked a girl I talked to a bit. But never full got to know her because of paranoia, of not having a car or being able to provide for her in any way. It’s probably the only time I spoke with a girl. Mainly because I was invested in wanting to be with he, but was to afraid to be with her in a relationship. + +If AvPD is not only avoiding woman for my instance then I don’t understand AvPD.",Personality disorder +50865,"Has anyone figured out how to detach from wanting love? I’m tired of wanting love. I get the courage to ask a girl out only to get shot down. I can kind of talk up people one on one but in groups I freeze. + +When you’re in a relationship, you have to form relationships with their friends and family. But that seem nearly impossible. + +Has anyone figured out how to happily detach? The only relationships I can seem to find are with women with BPD. This always leads me to ruining my life and taking 5 years to start over.",Personality disorder +50802,"You're actually all great people and this subreddit is living proof. I've been on this subreddit for a good period of time now and it's quite an active one with several posts every day and pretty much all of them receive a response of some sort whether it's about people asking for advice or venting. + +There's no toxicity. There's no arguing. There's just empathy and help. + +So I just want to say that although living with AvPD can be a painful existence that eats away at our self-esteem, I appreciate all of you for making this subreddit such a great space.",Personality disorder +50975,,Personality disorder +51528,"Are you short-tempered? CAUSE I AM + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10nk2uq)",Personality disorder +50874,"Anyone have a low-confidence anxiety-driven mom? Having a caretaker that herself demonstrated anxiety -- at least when I was 5 years old or older, was a major problem for me. + +Her crying and certain angry responses to distress really messed me up, I think. + +Her low level of confidence, relative to my dad -- though, even my dad is low in emotional intelligence. + +It is only now that I realize that it had a negative impact on me.",Personality disorder +51494,"I did it: I gave up my old life So yeah, I did it. Or atleast I am doing it. I dont't know what will happen next. It was always a distant dream of mine to just leave everything behind. Maybe you can relate. + +I quit my job and my appartment. I left my cozy first world country with a one way ticket to India. Currently I am touring Rajestan on a motorcycle. The only contact to my ""old"" life is my family. Even though I would like to cut contact I can't bring myself to do it. It would break my mothers heart. + +I eat way too much (seriously the food is amazing) and get stared and begged at alot because i am a western guy. Some days I don't leave my hotel room. Other days I drive 300km on busy roads. + +You probably know this feeling. The ambivalence is killing me. I love being alone but at the same time I miss not being alone. And often I think doing this was a big mistake. The whole experience is.. meh.. + +And because I dont know where to go or what to do planning anything is impossible. Right now I have 50k in savings. But what for? + +The only thing I always hear in my head is: ""Wherever you go there you are"". And atleast that's true. + +Thanks for reading, if you have any questions feel free to ask. :) + +Advice is also greatly appreciated",Personality disorder +51118,"DAE overreact when they make little mistakes? TLDR: I tell myself to KMS after making insubstantial mistakes. + +I could really use some reassurance :/ I made a tik tok post about a band I like and I mixed up the names of the members, misspelled the renowned venue they played at, and accidentally said one of the members passed away. + +Two ppl in the comments pointed it out and now I feel like ripping my skin off. Instantly I started saying to myself, “you should honestly just kill your self, what’s wrong with you, that’s so embarrassing, kill your self…” over and over. Sometimes I picture myself being impaled or shooting my self in the head. + +This happens all the time and it’s one of the most debilitating parts of this disorder (though I’m not diagnosed). + +Any time I remember something slightly embarrassing I did even 5 years ago I have a totally disproportionate reaction to the embarrassing thing. Does this happen to anyone else? + +I feel like I’m doing much better than I was a couple months ago but this persists. I hope this isn’t too upsetting to share for anyone.",Personality disorder +51545,"Gave a girl in coffee shop my number I went in for a coffee. She worked there and we got on well chatting and shared alot of info. We chatted for about 30 mins. I tested the water a few times n sort of let her know indirectly that i liked her and things still went well. I decided to just leave it at that and left on a good note + +I popped by on second day a few days later, i was kind of nervous n had been kicking myself i didnt give her my number the first time knowing id have to work up the courage all over again . This time after we talked for about 10 mins i gave her my number i think i came across as lill more nervous the second time but I could of done worse + +She never called. i thought there was some chance because things went well but i knew was no guarentee. She was quite alot younger than me but i didnt ask ages. . Still i was pretty hurt. Thats at least the last 5 times iv asked someone out or intended too n i got rejected in some way and them situations dont come around often and always require me to overcome so much anxiety . + +In all honesty im pretty bitter n sad sometimes at how hopeless my situation feels , i cant change alot of things and people just overlook me without giving me much of chance because they see me as a loner or some other thing i cant really change. I may not be the best but im alot more than how im collectively treated. I feel completely unseen",Personality disorder +51476,"How do you deal with work? After having gotten in trouble at work for showing up late and being tired at work multiple times now and realizing that while I‘m in training I‘ve mostly been given boring tasks where I learn nothing and this won’t change anytime soon, I‘ve now not shown up to work and ghosted everybody from work two days straight. My country has decent labour laws regarding trainees so they probably won’t attempt to fire me yet, but I‘m definitely getting closer and closer to being in danger. + +I need to finish this training because I wanna go to university, which I can’t otherwise. I‘m 25 and need to move forward in life sometime to get to a place where I can actually do something interesting for a living or I‘m gonna go crazy. + +I work an office job. How do you guys deal with workplace issues? What has worked for you? Help…",Personality disorder +51189,"Anyone here feel incapable of love? Never been diagnosed with AvPD as I am too scared of asking my therapist what he thinks since by his writing he doesn't seem to care much about PD labels and I'm too afraid I will look like one of those people who tries to be cute/quirky/unique/special by hunting for diagnoses. But I resonate a lot with the stories and thoughts/feelings I have read from people who have AvPD and a lot of it sounds like things I have said/thought/felt almost word for word. + +I'm curious if anyone here can relate to my childhood or if I'm being over-dramatic. I won't go into it too much because no one cares about my stupid sob story about why I'm a loser, but I basically had a very emotionally dismissive mom (""it's your fault for being upset"") and an explosively angry father (taught me it was NEVER ok to say ""no""). Since both of them worked all day I was pretty much raised by my older (half-)sister who had issues of her own (obviously) and she would constantly bully and belittle me. My (half-)brother essentially ignored me when I was growing up. I was also constantly bullied in elementary/middle school for being weird and shy, and had to see therapists that I didn't want to talk to when I was as young as 6/7 years old. + +I'm 26 years old and have never dated/kissed/had sex with anyone and have never made any attempt to do so. I don't have any friends (except on the internet). I used to think a partner and friends were things I wanted but thinking about it now, I feel like either as a result of my upbringing or maybe some other brain failure, I'm really not capable of loving anyone. I'm not even sure if I love any members of my family. I can also never be 100% comfortable in a room with someone else no matter how long I have known them for because anything that would involve me being me I would need to be alone for. Anyone relate or am I just a sociopath?",Personality disorder +51146,"A quote from another sub... >My therapist taught me how to talk to people and also told me what other people usually thought compared to what I believed they were thinking. I viewed people just as evil as my inner self hate talk and they aren’t that judgmental. They care more about how they come off than how you are. +> +>We just created this super judgmental mindset and we think everyone is just as judgmental as we are to ourselves. +> +>You have to also train your brain to be nicer to yourself and not blame yourself when you feel down about something.",Personality disorder +50681,"Anyone else terrified of dying alone? (finally found the will to post here after years of lurking) + +I’ve been living alone for all my adult years and I work from home. I don’t have any kind of social life and can easily spend several weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone. I do have family, but they all live far away and I don’t see them often. + +So sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever have a stroke or a heart attack, or if I fall down the stairs, or if I choke on some food… I often read about people being found dead in their home several years or even decades after they died, and deep down I’m convinced that’s how I’ll end up. It really makes me feel scared and helpless and I don’t know how to cope with it.",Personality disorder +51021,"'chicken or the egg' situation- do I treat the physical symptoms (panic attacks) or the core issue (childhood trauma/feelings of inadequacy) Due to an array of weird circumstances, I am a manager. A manager with avoidant personality. A manager who can't even say hi to her coworkers or ask for help. A very necessary skill for a manager. A manager who is visibly pushing down a panic attack each moment, choking on words and shaky hands. And you're too scared to ask to step down bc you already done so 3 times.. + +I have no idea whether to tackle the somatic issue, my panic attacks/nervous system arousal or the core issue, which is my feelings of not being worthy. I feel like I am inherently toxic and cold. I never say hi to anyone, even though a manager should be approachable and amicable... + +I will say; I focused a bit on healing somatically/the physical symptoms. At least with somatic healing I don't lock down and go onto a full blown panic attack anymore, where I am mute and shut down. I know my limit. + +I been a manager for a year now. I been avoiding my family, my career is falling apart and I have lost all my friends. I need help but I feel like financially it is not possible. + +I want to be medicated but SSRIs didn't do jack for me. Weed just bites you in the long run. Not sure if meds can ever really heal this. I just want to stop having panic attacks. But i know my core issues/inner monologue ans my unprocessed childhood trauma are what kick me into panic mode everyday. Panic mode makes me mute and silent, which peoppe percieve negatively. I go into work, and feel inadequate for anyone ever seeing me at my lowest. I avoid them out of fear of ridicule. And the cycle continues",Personality disorder +50796,"Can't make a single phone call? I was told to phone call someone but I cant even make myself! I'm literally about to tell them I'm incapable of talking to people and make myself even more pathetic! +Wtf should I do? They will just tell me meaningless things for an hour which I have no solution to.My phobia is getting worse and worse ! +I'm also starting to have some anger outbursts which rarely happen but I think I will snap! And it is not even that big of deal.",Personality disorder +51566,"Resentment I have been suspecting about having AvPD for quite some time. Knowing that my inability to have close relationships and function in society wasn't just my fault but is due to a condition conforts me and gives me some pointers on what to do to battle it. I really, really, really don't want to keep on living this cold, walled-in hikikomori hell i was in throughout my teenage years and twenties. + +And boy, did I gather all my willpower to try and change my situatuon, asking this friend out over and over, trying to send them memes to make them laugh and engaging with what they were posting. They ghosted me, so I stopped reaching out to them. I gathered that they just didn't want to be around me. It really hurt and I blamed myself for beint unlikable and all. After months, I slowly started healing back again and just... Moved on. + +Recently they came out as having AvPD to me and other friends and I now... sorta hold a grudge against this person. I know I'm supposed to be understanding and all because I've been there (i am there, actually), but also... Fuck no :/ I put a lot of effort and courage in asking them to hang out every week, at a certain point I got tired of asking and being constantly ignored/rejected (especially in addition to little jokes about how ugly, badly dressed and socially awkward i was and how my bf probably cheats on me) made me relapse pretty badly. How convenient to be cruel to the jobless, lonely loser and then blame it on AvPD.",Personality disorder +51759,,Personality disorder +51222,"Does anyone else feel like they're too ""boring"" to have friends? If you ask me what my hobbies are, I can't name any. If you ask me what my talents are, I can't name any. + +I follow current events, politics, foreign policy. I read the Washington Post and the NY Times and The Economist. I listen to podcasts. But to me, that's not so much a ""hobby"" as just part of being a responsible citizen who keeps up with what's going on in the world. + +I try to go running or ride my stationary bike a few times a week. But again, I don't see that as a ""hobby"" but just doing what we're all technically ""supposed"" to do to minimize the risk of health problems. + +None of these are things that really bring you closer to people or are conducive to meeting them. + +When I was in college, there'd always be some guy who was an amazing guitar player and people would just magnetically gravitate toward him and just ""vibe."" I've never had any musical talent. + +Or people would just play frisbee or pickup soccer. I've never been able to do something like that. My body freezes up, I panic, I'm afraid I'm going to make a mistake and everyone else will get mad at me. In middle school PE, if we had to play soccer or basketball I'd always just stand as far off to the side as I could and run *away* from the ball if it was anywhere near me; if I was getting in trouble for that I'd say I had to go to the bathroom or wasn't feeling well and needed to see the nurse. In HS, I ran cross country precisely because so much of the competition wasn't being watched, you didn't have to do anything with other people, and if you messed up it was solely on you and nobody else would get pissed off at you. A lot of people seem to do things like play softball or volleyball in rec leagues and I wish I could do something like that without having a panic attack and feeling like a fucking spaz. + +I've never really played video games. When I was growing up, my parents basically forbade me from playing any that they regarded as ""too violent"" which meant nothing like Halo or CoD or the other popular franchises people would get into. And I've always avoided them as an adult because if I started spending a bunch of time playing video games by myself, somehow that would make me feel even *more* isolated than I already am. + +I've never really done any traveling because I've always felt too self-conscious to take a trip by myself. (I'm a guy so I don't have the excuse of safety, which can be an issue for women doing solo travel in some parts of the world.) In college, I never did any kind of study abroad because I was afraid I'd get there and nobody would like me and I'd basically be trapped there for weeks with no way to escape. I'd feel embarrassed about not being able to speak to people in their native language (even though virtually no Americans can do that anyway). I see people on social media backpacking through Europe or Asia and hanging out with all these people they just met and I have no fucking clue how they pull that off. + +Does anyone else feel this way? Almost like you're just a Non-Player Character in a video game who doesn't really get to have their own story while everyone else is going on adventures through life? If I meet someone and they ask what I ""like to do"" I basically draw a blank. + +Or, if not, do you have any suggestions for how to make yourself more interesting?",Personality disorder +51283,"Does anyone know if AVPD would qualify for MAID in Canada when it opens to Mental Health conditions? In March Medical assistance in dying is opening up for people with conditions causing unbearable pain, physical or mental, they do not have to life threatening. + +[https://www.ontario.ca/page/medical-assistance-dying-and-end-life-decisions](https://www.ontario.ca/page/medical-assistance-dying-and-end-life-decisions) + +I've gone over this at least a hundred times, like tonight, even if I get approved they have a new 90 day minimum waiting period so it will be a while regardless. I have to time to think which leads to all fun ideas of Wiley coyote jumping off my balcony and hitting the concrete awning over the front entrance, 12 stories might kill ol' Wiley, maybe, or leave him in agonizing pain, wishing for death. Imagine holding that little sign up to the camera, but it's a little suicide note saying goodbye to no one. Haha + +But I'm pretty confident I'm going to get approved, I meet very criteria, I've tried all the required mental health options, counselling, therapy, community services, etc. I don't have any psychological supports, I am alone. That's more than half the reason I want to go, this condition, this brain, it makes it so I will always be alone. The loneliness, knowing you can never and never will escape, you'll avoid every chance you have. But the pain doesn't have to be forever, I don't have to keep suffering, and if I don't get approved jokes on them. I don't need approval to kill myself, I just know I'm going to fuck it up anyway. Ending up with my ankles snapped off, trying to crack my skull open on the concrete but too fucking weak to get the pressure. I couldn't do it if I tried, not because I don't want too. + +I want too, I want too so bad, that's why I'm applying for Maid, but I need to do it. But I will fail because I always fail. I'll avoid because i always avoid. I'll pity myself and feel bad and get fucked up and cry and hurt myself and tomorrow will happen and my credit card will get more maxed out and death will come knocking again saying TODAY IS THE DAY DO IT DO IT FUCKING DO IT PLEASE DO IT. Constantly. That's my brain, thousands of times a day screaming kill yourself. I love saying slit your wrists over and over again. Making tea, I should slip my fucking wrists, dum dum dum please slit your wrists. I don't even have a good knife, I just say it for some reason to myself. I'm way less scared of cutting that jumping, I am terrified of fucking that up. Damn Hamilton's and our slow trains lmao. That was the way I wanted to go when I was trying to do it as a teenager. The trains back home, damn they were fast, knock your fucking head off in one go. Instant. There were always Roses taped to the Red sign beside the opening. A lot of people had the same idea as me, so at least you know it works right! + +But you can always fuck it up, the fear that causes avoidance affects suicide too! I can't do it if I wanted to, just like everything else in life I want to do. So if I just need to get approved, get passed 90 days... ahh I'm fucked lmao. Where's the nearest train station haha",Personality disorder +51184,"Does anyone else do insane mental gymnastics to get out of going places? I swear, some of the reasons I've come up with in order to avoid meeting people... it's so crazy, like why can't this creative energy be harnessed anywhere else? + +For example I've literally riden a 30 minute bus to a place, walked right up to the door, then heard the dreadful sound of people inside.. and that's all it took for me to make a 180 and ride that same bus back home. The reason in my head was like ""hmm, they're meeting next week so I can just wait until then, surely I will do it next time :D"" It's just, Ahhhhhhhhh I hate myself man. Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why am I like this + +and the thing is, I really need the socialization too, like I'm so freaking lonely... the instant I arrive back home I'm like ""shit I really should've just gone in, now I have nothing to do again, why did I listen to myself"" and it just makes me even more depressed thinking about how pathetic I am",Personality disorder +50787,"i'm never gonna be loved by anyone... and i think that's okay. for a long time, all i wanted is to be loved by other people, but as a depressed individual, it's been kinda impossible to believe anyone will ever love me. and i don't even mean it exclusively in the romantic sense (how does a first kiss feel? i don't even know), but in the platonic sense too. + +i don't even think i'm physically unattractive, but i do know my personality is unattractive, which is somehow *worse.* with this i am not saying i am unworthy of love, i mean that my goals in life and my way of being is not what it's expected of people nowadays. i have weird and extremely niche interests, i am weird and my only purpose in life is to collect the biggest spectrum of unique experiencies; definitely not the kind of people that attracts other people in this world (i mean ambitious people with dreams of financial gains, charismatic people, etcetera). + +don't get me wrong, i love my weird quirky self, but so far nobody has ever loved my weird quirky self lol. i know there's lots of people in this big and wide planet, but it seems like i don't have the skills to find the people who will like me, the people who will form groups with me, the people who will desire me in a romantic way. and considering my age, i feel like it's too late to find those skills, the skills of making deep, meaningful, reciprocal connections with other people. + +but i think that's okay. somehow, getting rid of the desire to form connections with others has made me happier with those small-talk friendships whom only talk to me about the weather or their job, with those classmates who only talk to me when i awkwardly join the bigger groups at college. maybe thinking that i'm worthy to be loved by other people is me asking too much? + +the approach i'm taking now is to love myself. and with ""love"" i mean romantic love; i flirt with myself. i tell myself i'm beautiful, even if i don't recognize that person in the mirror as someone beautiful. i have lots of love buried in my heart, and i always waited to get into a relationship to give this love to someone else. now, i try to give it to my own self. there's days when i really want to die and i can't even get out of bed, and i ask myself ""what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?"" and i realize that i would support her; i would do everything to get her out of bed, help her bath and make some food for her. so i get out of bed, i bathe myself and make myself some food. + +there's some days when loneliness hurts, though. i always see stories of the beauty of romantic love, of touching the lips of the person you would die for, feeling that person's chest and not caring if the world ends, as long as you're on their arms. stories of the joy of hanging out with like-minded people, and just being up at 4am enjoying each other's presence and looking at the stars together. these are experiences i will never live, and it hurts. and it makes me feel like this whole philosophy i just described in this post is just a dangerous coping mechanism. + +but what would i do if the love of my life felt like this? i would hug them and tell them that it's gonna be okay. so i just tell myself that i'm gonna be okay. + +*""You think you might find community, a sense of connection to something bigger, but you don’t. In fact, you feel more alone than you did before you left … But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone.” - Bojack Horseman*",Personality disorder +51326,"How old is everyone here? Just out of curiosity, I wonder what age groups are most prominent on this sub. 0-19, 20-29, 30-39, 40-49, 50 and up. + +I can’t help but wonder if this age of technology caused this disorder to become so prominent. People seem to have lost the ability or have never learned how to socialize with our faces buried into a phone, computer, game, etc. + +Nobody communicates in person like in the past when people were forced to. If there was a function you had to show up to find out who was there. + +Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m curious. It just feels like technology has sadly created a world of introverts or has contributed to it. Anyone agree? 🧡",Personality disorder +51346,"Having no romantic relationships or prospects for one is eating away at me I am 24M and have never experienced anything of the romantic kind, not even crushes. I lost my teenage years due to isolation which is usually when people get introduced to this stuff. I've never even had female friends except some cousins. + +I live in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm. I'm nearing the age when talk about marriage becomes more serious, especially for women. But I don't see myself ever getting married. I'll probably KMS before 30. + +It feels like I will miss out on this part of the human experience because I'm so insecure around women. I saw a post that summarised how I feel perfectly: + +>I have trouble talking to women, in fact I can't even make eye contact with them, especially if I find them even a little attractive. I'm scared they'll think I like them and then they'll hate that someone as disgusting as me could like them. + +I know that going into a relationship won't fix me but it's so gut wrenching knowing that you don't have the skills or prospects that can make it possible. It's stopping me from even trying to make friends with women, IF they think I like them they'll probably be disgusted by me. (Even though I'm scared to even let myself think that I might like someone) + +I know that I should try to make friends with women first, but I'm afraid they might label me a creep sensing my inexperience with talking to women (let alone having female friends or a relationship). It's like I carry this secret with me like a badge of shame and I automatically defer any action about this to prevent myself from the humiliation that will result from it. + +Is there anyone out here who knows what this is like?",Personality disorder +50856,"I went to a party! I actually went to a garden party! There were tiny sandwiches, a bunch of fruit, and little cracker plates with meats and cheeses. I actually felt comfortable the whole time! + +I've been on some medicine these past few weeks (I can't remember the name) and I think they may actually be working. I still get depressed and/or anxious around the night time or when I'm not doing something. I just have to keep myself busy and I'll be okay. + +But about the party. I knew almost everyone there, I've known them for a long time now and they're closer to me than my family. I helped set up the party so I didn't feel like I wasn't being useful, I took my time this morning in making sure I looked presentable, and of course I showed up early just in case. + +The party lasted about an hour and a half, and I even got to talk with some of the people there! + + +Today is just a great day so far, and (not if but) when things start to go back down to normal, I hope I don't forget that I was able to be happy today. + +I know progress can jump forward just as much as it falls back, but I'm going to celebrate today as progress!",Personality disorder +51305,"Accountability Post I really want to go to church. So bad. + +I have good memories of singing songs that lifted my spirit, and developing friendships with people both humble and gracious. + +But every week, I don't go. This week, if I can make it to the parking lot, I am rewarding myself with doughnuts. I am sorry if this is annoying, but I am struggling so much to do something that is important to me and I have not gone in 3 years.",Personality disorder +51253,"do u take selfies? if so, do u post them? im curious. bcuz i sorta do and i post.. even tho i feel shit ab my appearance. its a confusing relationship lol",Personality disorder +51453,"i was a real person… and then i ruined everything went through my facebook conversations from years ago today and i got so emotional. i used to speak to so many people. and i sounded so neurotypical. a lot of the messages from these ppl were rlly sweet + +i started crying bc i couldn’t believe there was a time when people actually loved me. i’m so used to people being disgusted /repulsed by me. like no one i’ve met in the past few years has actually liked me + +i used to be real - i had hopes, dreams, stories to share. i was physically attractive and (moderately) smart. + +it all went downhill when i moved abroad for college. i’ve always struggled socially so when i realized that i didn’t have to talk to ppl to survive, i isolated myself + +4 years later and i’m a completely different person. there is nothing inside me. i’m empty. just a lifeless being waiting for death. i don’t recognize the girl that wrote those texts. + +my cognitive abilities have significantly declined - i used to write so well and now i can’t even string a coherent sentence together. i’m so negative and hateful. i have zero empathy. i cannot carry a conversation anymore. i’m constantly disassociated from reality. i haven’t had friends in years. the only people i talk to are my parents and my grandma + +i’d to anything to go back in time and fix it all. ☹️ that girl didn’t deserve what i did to her.",Personality disorder +51434,,Personality disorder +50843,"I despise my mom ( 22m ) Pretty much the title - I just can't stand her, I never liked her ever since I was a little kid but for me that hate went much higher beyond it. + + +Just to clarify, I don't think she is the abusive type - more like the overcontrolling and overbearing type of mom - the type that when you make a mistake or fail to do as she asks ( even if it's just the order of the way I put things in their place ) she will scold and do it herself - even if those are MY things ( she isn't satisfied with the way I put my clothes in my wardrobe or when I don't do it immediately) and barely have any respect to my privacy - In the past she wouldn't even let me close my own door so my room was always open, even this days she complain when I don't leave a gap ( but on that case I don't give a fuck anymore and barely leaves any - not a door you can close easily ) and she would always complain about im not normal or like 'the other kids/people' because I don't act or do things they do, and I cant forget her 'what you gonna do with your life, play on the computer all day? ' speech which she does when she remembers she needs to get mad or moody for no reason. + +Im afraid of embarrassing myself in public, im afraid of even doing some of the basic stuff because I don't think I can do it or I'll make a clown out of myself - and it always comes back to how I was never really taught how to control my own life and be independent - even in the few times she did taught me anything she would still eventually take control and it doesn't make me motivated to even try. one of the reasons I eat in my room is because I just don't want to be around her because I will always get criticized for something - my beard ( which no one taught me how to do it, and my dad lives abroad ) , my ears, my hair, my clothes - everything. She always tries to pick things for me to wear and while today i do wear whatever I want regardless of her opinion/picks I still remember that when I was younger she would be upset and mad if I didn't wear what she wanted me to wear ( and she still kinda give the bitch look but as I said - I still wear what I wear ) and the judgement doesn't stop at that. Her favorite habit is that on events and gatherings she would always whisper in my ear what's wrong me in the moment - could be anything from noticing something dirty or not to her eyes that no gives a fuck about, the way I behave ( WhY YoU ARe NoT SmiLing ) and all other type of shit to make me lose confidence or be overly aware of my problems. She would always try to buy me stuff I don't want or asked to get and would always expect me to thank her even if sometimes she was the one that was pressuring me to get something. + +When I think about all of this ( and other stuff ) I understand why im so incompetent, afraid of making mistakes or embarrassing myself and stuck in that avoident and depressive mind set. It's not all her - there are things I probably could've done myself ( and still can do ) and even without her the competitive and soulless society most of us are part of just adds a lot to the way we end up - and still - she has a part in why my life fucking sucks - and now I need to find a way to get back on track somehow. + +Also, today I pretty much snapped at her in an unrelated case which eventually also happened because of all those feelings I stored inside. I don't talk to her and tbh it's such a good feeling. + +P.S : if there was another post made by me that's titled the same blame my stupid phone for this XD. Im also sorry for possible grammar mistakes - don't mind someone fixin them.",Personality disorder +51837,"How to cope with shame Hello, + +I guess we all share this feeling of shame following us all around. I can't remember much of my life but I can remember almost every time I've felt shame. And I did it a lot of times. So much that even moments of my life that I had been SA are flashing in my mind all day. But other memories are just plain shame, shame of what I did in a specific moment, shame of how I reacted, what I've said, shame on how I was dressed, the way my face looked. What I recognise is that these are stupid reasons to feel shame, and I think anyone neurotypical wouldn't even think is such a big thing. I even felt shame and guilt of breaking things (because anything material has more value than me) . I legit had a panic attack once after dropping a water glass, I wanted to hold the broken glass and squeeze it with my hands until I made them disappear... I can remember most of the times I broke things. + +&#x200B; + +How do you cope with these feelings coming to your mind in your daily life? When I remember one time, I start remembering the others, they are connected and so they come all together to me and make me feel that I will never delete those moments from existence, that they already happened, that there is no way I could live with those things that happened. I feel shame from myself all the time, but when those memories come to me I want to snap out of existence. I don't know how to deal with that. Thank you.",Personality disorder +51584,"Are you a fawn? In Pete Walker's work there are 4 types of trauma responses. Fight, flight, freeze, and the last least spoken about, *fawn*. + +Fawning is just as it sounds. You fawn over people. You people please and bend to their will even if you know it's fucking you over in the long run. + +I feel like being a fawn has caused me to hate people even more than I should lol. Because when people come around, they usually come with some bs that I don't really want anything to do with. + +Wanting favors, wanting me to be their emotional punching bag, wanting validation, wanting talk at me, wanting me to give them stuff etc. I don't have a back bone and it's really hard for me to tell people to kick rocks without feeling guilty + +So it just becomes another reason why I isolate myself. Nobody can drag me into their drama if nobody is there to begin with. + +Are you like this?",Personality disorder +51793,"So tired of everything I am so goddamn tired of everything. + + I am not looking forward to anything, have no goals..just a low-paid job that I don't really like. I guess I can be proud that I got one in the first place, despite how horribly painful that was to get used to it and my thoughts about quitting it after first week. + But honestly, other than that, I have no clue why I am doing all this. I mean, everything..going to job, eating, trying to do something..living. I am so tired I barely drag my body to work or practically anywhere. + About my job..I got more or less used to it but I still feel like my co-workers hate me. It's my avpd brain acting up, again. Goddamn pesky little thing. They're nice to me but this irrational part of me wins every time + Every day is a misery and I am so tired.. + I always tell myself that I have to go forward and don't stop but by now I am not sure why or where I am going. Feels like I am just aimlessly wandering around in the darkness with no clue whatsoever",Personality disorder +50734,"Talked to a friend for the first time in over a month ... Like an actual phone call conversation. It felt really good! + +Sending good vibes to everyone here in this subreddit 🤗",Personality disorder +51277,"Feeling like a creep in public/on public transport So I've had this for a long time, but only now have I sort of grasped why I feel like this. + +Whenever I'm outside, and especially in closed off public transport like the subway, I'll feel like a creep because I just stare and analyze everyone and everything. The reality is that, when I get anxious I get hyperaware of everything and everyone around me, and when I start starting at strangers, analyzing every bit of their appearance/clothing/posture/etc, I start feeling like a creep. Only recently have I realized that the being hyperaware is where the feeling of being a creep comes from, vs just organically. With me being less anxious lately, I'm more able to just stare off into the distance and distract myself with my thoughts, and then suddenly I don't feel so inadequate/weird anymore. + +I know I've thought about this before, and even said it to someone that when my anxiety takes over I literally can't think of anything but the present situation. I'll literally start brainstorming ideas to think about so I can distract myself from what's in my face that second. + +Just felt like typing this out and sharing, maybe someone can relate. + +Much love",Personality disorder +50762,I'm not the friend people want. I'm not great at connecting with people. I understand social cues but I guess people find me weird or whatever. I will be there for people but they will say things like they feel like they have nobdoy to talk to and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them or the the type of friend they had in mind. It sucks but what can you do?,Personality disorder +51595,My therapist asked me today who was the most important person in my life and I laughed and cried cause honestly no one. That's it. That's the post.,Personality disorder +51221,"I’ve decided to opt out of this disorder lol I’m not an extrovert, I don’t want attention, I’m okay with being silent, I hate small talk, I want deep connections that come from a place of mutual patience and empathy and I’m sorry to admit this so late, but I won’t find that with like 99% of people. It just is how it is. What I’ll try to work on: + +I’ll allow myself to fail, stutter or mumble when I don’t feel comfortable talking in groups, but I’ll talk nonetheless when I have something to say so that I can practice that which I’m not good at. + +Which means I’ll allow myself to feel discomfort. Deep discomfort and shame, which I know, will lessen one day or I’ll get used to the feelings. + +I’ll allow myself to be intimate with people I feel comfortable with. And to warn them when I feel like fleeing and hiding. The right people will understand and won’t give up so easily. + +I’ll accept failure, expect disappointment and revel in misery because I know it will lead me to something better than this dark void I’ve been living in the last years of my life. + +Thank you.",Personality disorder +51548,"I fear I'll never be loved the way I want/need to be I have this deep longing to be loved by someone who also has AvPD like me who knows and understands so incredibly well about what it's like to be me because we have very similar, if not, even the same upbringing and experiences that led to us being the people we are today. + +By this I mean I always think about whether I'll ever meet and get to love and be loved by someone that not only shares the same thoughts and feelings about most things (because relationship compatibility) but also shares the same traumas. I even maladaptive daydream and have intimate conversations with this nonexistent person about my life and they always meet it with patience and understanding because they're genuinely a good person and they also know firsthand what i am talking about and how I feel. + +I don't think I would ever go out of my way to search for people who has gone through the same things as I because I'm just not gonna make a post anywhere or go on some friend/relationship making app with a bio saying about what I've been through because I don't want to lay it all out there just like that because that's inappropriate and that I just wouldn't want to open up that way. I would want a gradual relationship to blossom from being vulnerable and building intimacy after a considerable period of time before talking too deep into the worse aspects of my life ya know? As someone with trust issues I need time to be sure i can share all of that. + +I'm always thinking and hoping that maybe one day I would meet a special someone that would for once make me feel I am loved because they don't have to try to understand but because they just do. I speak from a place that whenever I have spoken and been vulnerable about what I think or feel about anything they don't agree with or understand, I often receive a response that makes me feel belittled, misunderstood and disrespected. From familial to platonic to romantic relationships, I never have felt I am seen or heard with love and patience unless it's something they believe and or know about, rather I am scolded or looked at in skepticism or blatantly insulted for merely sharing something as little as expressing an opinion which always comes from a place of being respectful. To even expressing an interest of mine which comes from a place of love and passion gets mocked and made fun of. + +The very few people I would consider ""close"" in my life don't make me feel loved. Sure I feel cared about at times, such as my parents providing for me, cared for in times when friends would reach out and ask about how I'm doing and cared that I get to have consistent affectionate and attention from my romantic relationship. And yet these people have hurt me and whenever I've told them that they have hurt me they either dismiss my vulnerability of communicating my needs and wants (which should be taken as a damn compliment I even talk to them) to just being downright disrespectful to me. I thought they loved me. You don't hurt the people you love. I always end up ending the conversation and changing topic by telling them it's fine or nvm or I'll get over it or the worst of it all, telling them I was overreacting and that I'm sorry for saying anything and that they're right for calling me out for calling them out... I can't be gaslit but I sure as hell can act like it to avoid conflict don't I? ha ha ha... the things I do for love because I don't want to hurt them even though they hurt me first. It's really not hard to be a decent person especially to a ""loved one"" i don't find it difficult, why do they? :/ + +A part of me also thinks the only way I could ever get better, and I don't mean outright cured of AvPD, but rather just live easier with myself and with other people in this life in a much less difficult way is to have that person by my side who also has AvPD that can truly understand and love me and who'd uplift me and basically all that good things we should expect from being in a relationship whether platonic or romantic. But here i am having doubts that I may not even deserve that and that I should settle because I fear i will never meet that great person I so badly need to love and be loved by. + +I recently have been reading this book called all about love: new visions by bell hooks. It's really given me insight and confirmation about what love really is and one thing I will mention here that is talked about in the book is that abuse and love cannot coexist. It's a hard pill to swallow but it is something that we should talk about more. I suggest all of you to read it, it's an amazing book just as the author is. + + + + + +Tl;dr: I've taken up my time to either thinking and maladaptive daydreaming of connecting and having a relationship with someone who i am very much alike with such as sharing same traumas that led both of us to have AvPD. I want and need someone who truly is a great person that not only cares but listens and understands with patience about my thoughts, feelings, well being, and general existence that would make me feel the love I truly deserve because people ""close"" to me in my life have not given that love. But yet I fear I will never that and even doubt myself that I might not even deserve that love. + +To anyone that has read this far: thank you for listening and I hope you have a good day/night 💜",Personality disorder +51415,"Is it possible to have both Avoidant-dismissive attachment style and Avpd? Do any of you have both? + +I read that when you have avoudant-dismissive attachment style, you have often good self-confidence and that's why you can't have Avpd. Is that true? I think they are two different things and while you may feel like you can do things best yourself, it doesn't mean you can't feel shame an inferior to others.",Personality disorder +51318,"anyone else intensely connected to music and books? in general exceptionally good with words, audio comprehension, vocabulary, reading comprehension, writing, lyrics? also, anyone experience intense synesthesia with music? + +if so, what are your favorite artists? I have many",Personality disorder +51672,"I rejected her even though I wanted her I made plans with a girl and we wanted to meet. + +I decided to cancel it and I told her that I don’t feel good. Obviously she asked what is trying to get me as a some physical illness, but in reality depression is trying to get me. I mean I really don’t feel good I didn’t lie, it’s just not a physical illness. + +What I am suprised is that she instantly also said that we can meet next week. I thought she isn’t interested and she is just messing with me, that’s also reason why I decided to cancel. I don’t think that my depression will be cured until then.😕",Personality disorder +51496,"I finally gathered the courage to ask for an AVPD evaluation. Just got a response in my e-mail and I started procrastinating to not open it. I just received an e-mail with an answer and I started freaking out and writing this message in order to delay my opening it. Could that be considered a symptom? lol + +Now, seriously, I've never even spoken about this out loud with anyone and I'm freaking out right now. Will I be able to go get tested? It's so silly, but I'm afraid I will only have regular anxiety and I'll be embarrassed about making a whole deal about it. + +Anyway, I'll put on some relaxing music and open it... (at some point) + +EDIT: so, they're sending me a phone number to get in touch with them. Like, seriously, a voice call?? I CANNOT. + +EDIT 2: It just occurred to me, what if it's a test already? I doubt it, but I'm really surprised they asked a possible AVPD person to make a phone call. + +EDIT 3: I just texted this woman, and told her ""If you don't mind, it's more comfortable for me to speak this way"". Then she texted me back: ""I'm on the subway now, I'll call you asap"". *(facepalm)* I really need help, but I'm starting to regret it right now. + +EDIT 4: More than a day later, they called me, and I didn't pick it up. I am bothered by the fact that they should be more sensitive, considering they're specialised in these kinds of disorders. Immediately afterwards, they texted me, and I thought they would have realised and would communicate by text. But the text said, ""You have a missed call from me. Tell me when you're available"". *(sigh)* I think I'll try to tell my current therapist after all, because it gives me less anxiety than changing.",Personality disorder +51355,"the irony of it all I recently got diagnosed with AvPD (after probably struggling with it for 8 years), I thought downloading reddit would give me some kind of comfort as there are communities on certain topics on here that are easily accessible, but as I’m reading through posts, I have zero desire to comment on anything or make any connection at all and exited the app with the thought of probably never replying to anything, which is the irony of it all. But I do wanna let you know of my existence, I will probably not ask questions or share details of my disorder, but I still exist and I still have a voice and fingers to type. I’m real even if it sometimes doesn’t feel that way. Thanks for reading..",Personality disorder +50780,"I want to curl up into my bed and never leave This week has been absolute hell. I feel so overwhelmed with life right now, and I want to be completely alone. I don’t want to be perceived or asked why I missed two weeks of class. I don’t want people constantly (and very publicly) asking me if I’m okay. Yes, I’m fine, but no I’m not fine. I’m fine enough to function, but I also want to run away. I appreciate the sentiment, I just wish it wasn’t in front of the whole class. + +I’m pretty sure most of this is my depression talking, but it’s definitely making my AvPD symptoms worse. I feel like EVERYBODY is looking at me. I’m beating myself up all the time for what I don’t/can’t do. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself. I just want to hide. Curl up into my corner. Never speak to a soul.",Personality disorder +51141,I'm not sure lol Everything kinda just hurts and am sad for some reason??😭😭😭😂 But I'm literally not sure or why but literally no one cares😭😭😭 but not really sad,Personality disorder +51534,"When people get to know me they don’t like me. I’m boring and awkward, I can put up good mask at first but under it.. is something most people don’t want. I heard through another person that a friend of mine thinks I’m too sensitive and she cant relate to me. Me being myself disappoints people.",Personality disorder +50660,"I can't cope with my job I work from home as a software developer, most aspects of the job are too triggering, and I can’t handle it. + +Every morning starts with a daily update meeting. Since I usually had done only 0-30 minutes of work the previous day, I have no update to give, I panic and have to lie, and the lie is transparent. Afterwards I have to cool down from the shame, guilt, and stress. It’s already hard to recover from the procrastination because everything I do, with the code or on Slack, has a timestamp, a notification, and is visible to everyone. Once there’s something I’m avoiding (committing code, deploying code, posting the code for review, responding to someone, testing code, an upcoming meeting, etc.) I often go offline from inactivity, and then I’m afraid to even open my laptop (which can take hours to overcome) because once I do everyone can see I’m online on Slack; my procrastination then is immediately visible to the people who are impacted and who are looking for it i.e. people I’m not responding to, my manager. + +I already got in trouble for not doing my work, missing meetings, not responding to people for days or weeks, and just not showing up some days without telling anyone. I was put on a month-long probation, which I’ve gotten past only because I didn’t ghost entire days during that time. I have frequent meetings with my manager and I have to pretend I’m struggling way less than I am. I can’t admit that half or more of the days I do absolutely nothing, or how much communicating with people — the most important part of the job — so fundamentally terrifies me. + +I know every trick in the book about procrastination, time management, breaking down tasks, but that’s not enough when I’m this afraid of people. I’ve accepted I need help from another person. I’ve talked about this some with friends, but none of them understand, so all they can provide is sympathy. I have a psychiatrist and I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but they’ve all been unhelpful, many actively harmful. + +I know it's a slow process, but every single day at work is like torture, and I’m on very thin ice. Because I can’t get the work done, it’s not endurable, and I don’t have the time or energy to work on all the other parts of my life in dire need of work. I don’t want to quit because I haven’t been here that long and I had a big gap between quitting my previous job (for the same reasons). But I can’t stay like this for months until I find someone and begin making progress. + +I don’t know what to do",Personality disorder +51304,"The Son (a movie) This movie is underrated. + +You need to watch it (at high speed if you like) in order to get what intergenerational psychological trauma does to people. + +https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Son_(2022_film) + +I know it has received poor ratings, but I think that's because most people don't get what it's about. + +It's available on the torrent sphere if you're interested in acquiring this movie in that fashion.",Personality disorder +51247,"It's when we realize that we're broken that the hope for fixing ourselves sets in. Recognize the problem, folks. + +Take control of it as best as you can.",Personality disorder +50921,,Personality disorder +51626,"I'm your schizoid neighbour, hi! I don't know what's like in here but on r/schizoid ""AvPD"" is discussed very often. All sorts of questions and discussions because we avoid people as well but for another reason, so we always have someone asking if they are schizoid or AvPD and what the differences are. + +Anyways, I was very curious to come check you all and I'd like to know this, nothing complex: **what's your favorite hobby?** Plus: do you you feel like you would have different hobbies if you didn't avoid people? If so, what would you love to do? Share your dreams! + +I go first: I can spend an entire day just looking at a wall, I don't have hobbies. My schizo side doesn't stop at my schizoid personality, so I can't speak for the entire schizoid sub, but if you check there you'll see that we don't like much stuff - music is almost an unanimity, but besides that... you won't find much, so I'm always curious to know what people likes, it fascinates me.",Personality disorder +50701,"Any advice is greatly appreciated I have AvPD and I am too afraid to ask for help. Even if I found the courage to find a therapist, I am a minor so I would also have to tell my parents (that just feels impossible). Do you guys have ideas of small steps I could take so I can work my way up to having the courage to get help? (I struggle with things like ordering food at restaurants so is there anything easier than that?)",Personality disorder +51701,"Any advice is greatly appreciated I have AvPD and I am too afraid to ask for help. Even if I found the courage to find a therapist, I am a minor so I would also have to tell my parents (that just feels impossible). Do you guys have ideas of small steps I could take so I can work my way up to having the courage to get help? (I struggle with things like ordering food at restaurants so is there anything easier than that?)",Personality disorder +50742,"Anyone else lie as a child? Not sure if it’s an AVPD thing, but growing up I told a string of lies to all of my (very few) friends. It weighs on me almost daily. Some were *really* horrible, like going blind by 30 or refusing to help my cousin during an overdose as a child. Of course that’s not real. I can’t believe I said those things to people, but it felt like the only way at the time. + +Through a lot of reflection, I realized that I expected rejection and wanted to control it. I wanted to make them see me as a bad person, because I didn’t deserve them. But nothing in my life (that I understood at the time) was damaging enough to cause these problems. My family taught to me early on that if you’re not doing hard drugs or jumping off the bridge, it’s not a valid mental health condition. I didn’t think I had any reason to have the problems I did, so I had to give people ‘fake reasons’ to make them believe it, because my parents told me that’s the only way. + +Also somewhat of a test, like if they stay for this horrible person I’m pretending to be, they’ll surely stick around for who I actually am if that’s better. And it’s not hard to be better than that, given the severity of the lies I told. If they leave, then I’ll have been in control of the rejection. And they’re not reacting to the ‘true me’ anyway so the judgement doesn’t hurt as badly. Avoiding the spotlight by pretending to be another person.",Personality disorder +50912,"I need to get better I am scared because I had to do something today but postponed it to tomorrow. Planning to wake up at 4am to do it but it's 12pm already. I had to send an email to a coworker explaining how far i reached in solving an issue so they can take over but i have made 0 progress in it even though i took 2 fucking weeks for it. I also can't say that i didn't make any progress because i told my boss otherwise. I just don't start my work itself because I am too scared to encounter new issues that i won't be able to solve. Procrastination is fucking me up. I don't even know what or why I am typing. I feel i just keep feeling sorry for myself and don't really do much to improve. + +Anyways I am preparing side by side for a career shift but i dont see how it would be much better as the issue mainly lies with me and everyone in my job are great people. I just think way to hard on how to appear a certain way to others because I base my self worth on others opinion of me which I am trying to change but honestly don't see it getting much better. + +I went to different psycologists and psychiatrists in the past but never sticked to any. My mind kept finding reasons to not continue even tho some of the meds helped me at the time. I will probably go to a therapist again. Thank you if you read so far. I need friends who can understand my situation and want to get better too. Any resources links or advices you can offer for my situation are most welcome, thank you again.",Personality disorder +51490,"PMS and AvPD I have been feeling okay for quite a while now, I'm hyperfocusing on things that make me happy so my brain is just too busy to think about negative things. However, i know for a fact my AvPD gets significantly worse when my period is approaching. My mood plummets entirely, I start becoming really mistrustful of other people's intentions, I isolate and i completely lose hope in the future. There's also a really important exam coming up soon and I really want to have 100% of my head in the game rather than worrying about how much of a terrible failure I am and how everyone actually pretends to tolerate me but would rather have me gone from their lives. +Any advice from anyone who has a good strategy with dealing with PMS and AvPD at the same time?",Personality disorder +50977,"I'm desperate, i don't know how to turn things around I know i should get my shit together, but to be honest i am too much of a coward to do so. I thought maybe with age i will try to turn things around out of desperation, but despair made things even worse , i feel more paralyzed than ever. In fact i wish I had some incurable disease. I want to die...",Personality disorder +50974,"I feel like I could be an amazing boyfriend, but refuse to put myself out there anymore. I (28M) have a rep in my friend-group, as being a great guy who refuses to date. In truth, I kind of get off on feeling like I’m withholding an ability or skill from someone. I enjoy the image of people being jaded that “there’s no good guys left”, and that I am present, could be an amazing boyfriend, but am +Uniquely against being/acting that way, and it making them sad, if that makes sense. + +I grew up in a family very withholding of affection, it was very conditional; so i think I learned to reverse that, in a weird “power-play” in a way. I know it’s not a good thing, because I do like the idea of being in a relationship, but enjoy the rush of having a skill/ability to be warm, that is kept from the outside world.",Personality disorder +50744,"AvPD diagnosed recently Hey all, I was diagnosed with AvPD quite recently (and finally I guess) after all those years spent in confusion what is wrong with me. I finally got an appointment at psychologist, we were doing for the first few hours screening process, turned out I do have AvPD and I met all necessary criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. Also he mentioned that I do have some symptoms of schizophrenia and narcissistic personality. But after I read his diagnosis this evening, he wrote that I have ‘Other personality disorder’. Which idk how I feel about that. Like I do not belong to anything even in this. And when I started to talk to him about feeling really depressed, and about my suicidal thoughts earlier today, he just said that we will talk about it next time, in a two weeks. And I am so confused about this, like no one really care, especially with the suicidal thoughts. And feeling I do have no one to talk. Or maybe I don’t want to? I don’t know. But this is making me super super lonely and more depressed. No one really cares..",Personality disorder +50748,"Anyone here feel like they have to be explicitly told what the social dynamics are? I feel like I've had to manually learn this from YouTube, Psychology books, Sociology books, etc. rather than just innately know it.",Personality disorder +51827,"Hopelessness/Too lateness Is there a point where one can consider it too late to do anything? Too late to try; too late to get treatment; too late for anything and everything? Too old? Or if someone is ""too badly off?"" I've seen some people around Reddit and the net refer to failed lives. I've recently made posts and tried to look around Reddit for people in a similar situation as mine and there seems to be *nobody*. And the only conclusion I can draw is that my circumstances are too uniquely screwed up. And AvPD along with other issues all intersecting have led to a completely failed life and me as a broken mess. Growing up (or developing) AvPD in a family full of NPD didn't help. + +Most subs seem to skew younger, which has me think that everybody either resolved their issues as they grew up or are no longer alive. How has anybody dealt with utter despair and hopelessness? Feeling too old and that it's too late to change anything satisfactorily? Does anyone have other issues/diagnoses that mix with AvPD to just make things impossible?",Personality disorder +51437,"Motivation Maybe I'm just pathetic, but I feel like I need someone in my life for motivation. I once had someone interested in me (I think anyway lol) and I was the most motivated I had ever been in my whole life. If you're just alone, it's hard to say motivated IMO. I realize this is probably a flawed way of thinking, and I know that you shouldn't rely on other people, but I just feel like I need someone to give me that spark. I feel like a hopeless romantic with zero romantic experience.",Personality disorder +50960,"Church made it worse I've been telling my therapist that I've wanted to go to church for a while. The last time I went was last Easter. So today I pushed myself to go (with God's help), but I didn't really enjoy it. I felt self-conscious during worship. I couldn't get outside my own head. When the service was over, I just left while most people stayed to mingle. Being around a lot of people makes it worse. Most people go to church in families. Not all. But I couldn't walk up to another person who came alone out of fear. Then I went to the park which was another mistake. Seeing all the children and couples enjoying themselves was too much. No one goes alone to the park on Sundays. So I tried not to isolate, but it was too painful, and now I want to isolate again. I'm so useless.",Personality disorder +50773,"People telling me to calm down instead of understanding my pain DAE experience this? No one takes me seriously when I say that stuff that's happened to me has negatively affected my mental health. I'm basically told to calm down/ stop worrying, even if it's really affected me. Basically just a refusal to accept and acknowledge that I've been hurt. + +I think is partly why I have avpd to start with. I guess this could be classed as some form of emotional neglect, not having my feelings validated or taken seriously to the point where I've had to deal with my trauma by myself.",Personality disorder +51581,L Im not sure who to fight for because i dont know who my enemies are. Im sorry to those who were like me who i could not be there. Hold strong,Personality disorder +50909,I’m scared of going to college I’m a senior in high school and after being on this subreddit for a month I’m terrified of going to college. Granted I was terrified before that. Before I figured I’d take a gap year to figure things out and I didn’t feel like I was in a good position to do well in college. But now I’m realizing I was just avoiding applying because I was scared to be rejected. Or maybe I was scared of what would happen if I was accepted. I don’t know what I want to get into and it’s scary how relatable a lot of these post feel. And what scares me more is that I keep seeing posts about people having to tell their parents they dropped out of college. Is that going to be me??? Am I just going to be a drop out?? Should I even try?? I don’t know but now I’m worried I’m going to get to comfortable once I’m out of school and will be too scared to return. Uuugh everything is so frustrating I wish I could just be normal and I don’t know what to do but I’m curious to know other people’s experience with college,Personality disorder +50913,"Looking for a chat buddy I’ve had some people from this sub reach out to me in the past looking to chat but I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do so. I now have some more free time and would like to chat with some fellow AvPDers. + +I find that no matter where I’m at with this disorder it’s always a comfort to know there are people out there who “get it”, and I’d enjoy trying to support others on their journey with this PD :) + +DMs open!",Personality disorder +51029,"Am I the only who doesn't give a shit about the current thing? I always have to somehow hear about whatever the hottest new topic is, be it politics, tech, music, media scandals, etc. And it is excruciatingly stressful to pretend to be interested in it whenever someone asks about it. + +\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Okay, I'm kidding, no one asks me anything about anything, cuz I don't talk to people. + +\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +But seriously, I see it all the time and EVERYONE has to respond to it. It's exhausting...",Personality disorder +51539,,Personality disorder +51635,"I love Lexapro I am proud of my imperfections because they make me who I am. I wouldn't be me without them, and I like me.",Personality disorder +50952,"Idk if this fits here at all but Did anybody do desperate things to subconsciously make people “like” them or just me This is actually so sad but I remember one time in high school I bought donuts for no reason and gave them away to people I was “friends” with just because, for no reason, I also did the same thing with smoothies once, spent $80 at tropical smoothie, & at powderpuff practice did the same thing with slurpees. Desperate much.",Personality disorder +50774,"Addicted to cam girls Anyone else here addicted to cam girls online, talking to them anonymously because you don't have anyone in real life? +hard to stop when what you need is a real girlfriend",Personality disorder +51527,"How emotional are you, on a scale from 1 to 100? Name the top 5 things that make you emotional. + +1. Music (power metal or anime OST) +2. WW2 Documentaries. +3. Psychologists crying about their patients. +4. Music again +5. And... Music one more time.",Personality disorder +51508,I've been feeling so miserable and hopeless this weekend I hate it. I just want to enjoy life.,Personality disorder +50673,I’ve been thinking about dxxth a lot recently. How do I stop?,Personality disorder +50741,"Seeing some progress but feeling stuck. Hi, + +24-year-old male with AVPD here. For some time I have noticed that contacts with other people (in my case only at work) began to bring me pleasure. I've also become more relaxed and when I'm around people I don't worry as much about how they react to what I say. At the same time, a desire for more close relationhips arosed in me. This desire applies both to finding a partner and friends. I just want, as real as never before in my life, a simple conversation with another person and intimacy. + +However, I don't know how to achieve this. I've finished my education and I don't have any social hobbies (the gym can be considered as such, but I still can't find a way to start naturally a conversation with other people there). I'm starting to get annoyed with this situation, because certainly something has changed in my attiude and I truly want to form some relationships outside of my work environment. I think I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone step by step, but I don't know how to do it. + +One way to do it is to start dating. Finding a partner is something that I want very strongly and I think love is something I'm capable of. The thing that's holding me back from making that move though (other than, well... the lack of photos to use on dating apps) is knowing that I'll be too much of a burden for her not having other relationships. Perhaps there is also an element of shame in not having any friends. I am not sure… + +Have any of you reached such a point on your journey to ""normality""? I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing everything and if I shouldn't just do what I feel regardless of my doubts. In my case, finding friends seems to be something more distant at the moment and I don't know how I could achieve it. However, I will be grateful for every piece od advice!",Personality disorder +51736,"Does anyone find it so hard to get over a comment/criticism to the point they feel suicidal? Trigger warning. Mention of Eating disorders and suicide. + +A month ago my brother was talking about how he just turned 30. He was saying how he didn’t look 30 and he pointed to me and said “he looks older than me”. I’m 24. It felt like a stab in my heart. Ever since I’ve barely left the house. I wasn’t trying to date before that but now I’m not even going to try. I feel suicidal now and I don’t feel like life’s worth living. I’m old looking for my age so I should just give up. That comment is running through my mind 24/7. It’s torture. I feel so embarrassed. +If my brother knew what that comment did to me, it would suck. I’m so angry but hurts. It’s not really his fault how I feel but why did he say that. I’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life. I get anxious seeing my brother because I’m scared of what he will say. Everything reminds me of that comment. I have barely been eating. It just reminded me why I shouldn’t leave the house because other people will think the same. + +It feels like such a stupid reason to be suicidal over but it’s taking every bit of my energy not to do it everyday. How am I meant to go through life if a silly comment like that has gotten me like this. How do I get over it? I’m not strong enough to go through life.",Personality disorder +51225,"High functioning avoidants I don’t know if this is even a thing but I feel like it describes me. I have no problems talking to people, especially strangers, yet I have no follow through if they show interest. I’ll get invited for dinner, coffee, etc and always make an excuse. + +I did get married twice but left quickly as soon as things became difficult and while I was in them I was very much a loner. I had no desire to go out with friends, do things with family and such. + +I start projects with earnest and get so excited about them yet can’t follow through to finish them. + +Even on Reddit, I have no problem starting a conversation yet when someone replies it puts me in flight mode, I’m so afraid I’ll be seen as dumb or unlearned. Or that my opinion isn’t worthy of a response. + +I have the get up and go that got up and went I guess you could say. I’m trying to work past it though and not just react in the moment anymore and instead take my time, and push myself to follow through. I don’t want this disorder to control me like it does. Can you relate?",Personality disorder +51422,"I'm trying to solve an internal issue externally And I know this wont work but idk what else to do. I just genuinely hate myself and I hope that maybe if I hit my goal weight I can finally have the confidence to talk to people and not feel so awful. Every social interaction feels like I'm being analyzed under a petri dish. + +Logically I know this isn't true but it feels true. This causes me to put on an act, which causes me to not be present with people, which causes the awkwardness that I fear. I'm focused on my facial expressions, if I'm saying the right words with the right tone of voice. My mind goes blank half the time. + +I know that people typically enjoy it when you ask about them and their interests. Yet for some reason I just struggle to talk. I start stuttering, slurring my words, or going so overboard on sounding ""perfect"" that I sound like a robot reading off a script. . + +I just want to relax and enjoy myself. Sometimes I'm able to. Most times I'm not. I'm always waiting to feel embarrassed and then I go back to isolating myself. The motivation for change is there but I'm soooo scared and exhausted.",Personality disorder +51140,"Constant media consumption I spent a long period unemployed and was able to occupy my brain with tik tok and youtube videos. They are good in small doses or when practicing moderation to any degree, but I literally feel like I have to have a video playing in my ear at all times! I listen to podcasts to go to sleep, and listen to youtube videos CONSTANTLY, I feel the need to have a video going even walking from my room to the bathroom. Just completely incapable of allowing myself to think at all. This is impacting my ability to work now that I do have a job. Anybody else experience this? Have you been able to combat this behavior? Genuinely so desperate. Any advice is appreciated!",Personality disorder +50849,Could you change and get better through lots of effort ? If I made the effort to challenge myself everyday could I eventually change and maybe even get rid of my AvPD ? So tired of living like this and I’m still young so hopefully it’s possible…,Personality disorder +51666,"I dream that someone would adopt me. I'm 23 years old. + +I hope everyday that someone else than my mom would see me, find something they like about me and decide to brush me off and give me a piece of shelter. + +I've been through too much shit to start over with my family and I just want to feel like I matter and I can make a difference.",Personality disorder +50755,"i'm starting to realize that i'll probably never be able to truely connect with anyone i guess i have multiple friends, but i've only ever thought of 2 of them as ""close friends."" the rest i don't really talk to a lot. but i try so hard to connect with them and get closer to them, but it just feels weird and forced and i can clearly tell that it's unreciprocated. it just makes me want to give up. + +and now i'm starting to realize that with even one of my closest friends, we may not even actually be as close as i thought we were. we rarely if ever talk and when we do it's usually just short convos or in a group chat, and i'm always the one that has to initiate conversations. i think i'm lucky if i ever get to have one genuine conversation with them once a month. it just kinda hurts to think about i guess. + +why can't i connect with people? why is it so difficult? all of my life i've avoided people and just wanted to do my own thing and the moment i try building meaningful connections with people they all fail.",Personality disorder +50979,"The Root cause of my AVPD I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I ended up with this disorder. Constantly reviewing and analyzing my past memories, trying to find and pinpoint the exact event that caused me to be this way. I wasn't sure I had one, and I still think it may be multiple events in my life that led to the development of this disorder. But for me, I think the formation of my AVPD has always been interlinked with my sexuality. I am gay and Hispanic. Growing up in a Mexican household, parents are not accepting of that whatsoever. Anyways, I remember I still remember this time where I was looking up basically dick pics and I didn't delete the search history. I was 13 at the time and was barely discovering porn. My mom checked it before any of us got home and while she was at work later she called my dad and told him about what she found. My dad told me that she was crying because she couldn't accept that her son might be gay. I explained it away to my dad that I was just checking to see how I sized up to other boys my age. But I sorta knew what I was doing. I guess that moment was pretty scary to me. Knowing not even my own parents would accept me. And so I hid myself, for a long time. Pretending to be straight year after year. It just got harder every year to put on the mask. And still now at the age of 24 I have never told anyone in my personal life that I'm gay. Not like they don't know it or highly suspect it, even though I present myself more masculine. I've never had a girlfriend so I think it's pretty obvious to everyone. But anyways I think it was very much so having to do with moments like I first mentioned. Where I was scared and felt completely alone. I guess it would have changed everything to have someone to tell me it's ok and that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm loved just the same. But I didn't get that. I just learned from an early age that I was different and so I would be treated differently, unless I hid it.",Personality disorder +51557,"Have you ever overshared? If so how the hell do you cope? I’ve literally been keeping all my feelings inside for years so it’s all just been building up, and a few weeks ago I had a total breakdown and texted this guy I barely know just telling him about this thing that happened. And he’s like twice my age and I just work next to him, I saw him a fair bit but I never really talked to him of course because avpd so things were just always awkward. + +But the thing is he was super nice about it, and so then I WAY overshared and texted him a bunch of personal shit and it made total sense when I was sending it and then the next day I was like what the hell did I send this guy? And now I feel SO embarrassed and I just don’t know what to do with this feeling. And the worst part is I still can’t talk to him, I saw him for the first time the other day since sending that text and he was being so nice about it and I still couldn’t talk to him. And I might not see him again for a while because my job is kinda changing right now but I just don’t know what to do with this feeling. + +TLDR: Got super emotional and texted this guy who I barely talked to a bunch of personal shit. So now he knows that I’m messed up and also knows that I’m so pathetic and alone that I like him way more than I should and I don’t know what to do with this embarrassment.",Personality disorder +51615,"Who else here is limerant? Just wanting to get an idea of the number of people who are limerant for unavailable people. For me it's always a man in a teaching or mentorship position who is married. Married because that means I'm safe. He's not going to act, I'm not going to act. There isn't going to be a relationship. The attraction is just going to float in the air like a butterfly. Such intense but unattainable beauty. So much out of reach. I am in close almost daily contact with such a man. Its annoying me, because I know its hopeless and could never go anywhere, but I am addicted to it. Addicted to any little morsel of recognition he gives me. Addicted to making him laugh. It makes my day to make him laugh. He has no idea about the depth of my feelings because I am a person with AvPD and I know how to hide my emotions, even lie about them and shut everything down. My brain is basically screaming 'stay safe, stay safe.' I don't know who I am more annoyed with, me or him. I think making him laugh is the way I make him comfortable with my attraction to him. Its like it must be pretty obvious; I'm basically broadcasting 'I don't love you, I'm just an awkward friendly doofus, please like me.' It is intensely sad to me that this is the closest I will get to love. But even that is addictive. Sad beauty. Sad beauty is better than the grey anhedonia I am used to. I hope this makes sense. I hope someone understands or can relate.",Personality disorder +51231,"Childhood I just found this group recently, and it got me thinking. I feel like I was always this way, but it doesn't make sense to me that someone would simply be born this way. + +One of my first memories was standing behind my parents, and somebody asked them, ""What is wrong with him?"" To which they responded, ""Oh, he is just shy."" + +In the first grade during story time, I would face against the wall 2 feet away from everybody and just daydream. Never joining in, but according to my mom, my teacher found it cute, so she never said anything. + + +I found it embarrassing at the age of 7 when someone would call their parents ""mommy and daddy."" + +I would sit with the kids that bullied me during lunchtime because I desperately wanted them to accept me. + + +Up until high school, I would constantly go to the nurses office trying to act sick so I could leave, and at the very least be able to laydown for sometime. + +From middleschool to highschool I found my way to kinda fit in which was through humor, gained a lot of attention but I only felt like I had 2 real friends this entire time. Even though id spend countless nights crying thinking those friends really hated me + +Any girl I liked in highschool I would never pursue because I didnt think I deserved them. Im sure everyone here did this though. + + +Since the focus is on childhood, im going to stop here, but I just find it interesting how, for me, it seems I was always like this. How is it that in early development, someone can be so self-conscious?",Personality disorder +51513,,Personality disorder +51293,"things change I've been in an episode of complete isolation for about 3yrs but doing my best to claw myself out. With a therapist's encouragement I reached out to the person I love more than anything, who I've been in love with for years, and she, full of grace and compassion, accepted me back. But she is in a relationship now. I told myself that this was likely, and that I would be okay with it, but I don't think I am. I feel sick to my stomach and haven't stopped crying. How can I be a good friend when it's so painful to talk to her, when all the advice says that to get over unrequited love you should distance yourself when that's exactly what I'm trying NOT to do? I can't hurt her again by distancing myself without explaining why, but I can't tell her how I feel because that would be disrespectful of her relationship. I've completely ruined everything, I deserve the pain I'm feeling but I still can't cope with it. It sounds like it's new. If I'd been able to reach out even a few months earlier, I might have been able to tell her. Now I feel like I've lost my one and only chance to be happy. I'm so selfish and stupid. I don't know what to do. I hate myself so much.",Personality disorder +51716,"“You’re still single man? What’s a young, good looking guy like you doing wrong?” My brain is broken. I’m incapable of creating and maintaining close relationships, either out of some awkward self-consciousness or fear. That’s pretty much all there is to it. + +The fact that I seem pretty normal/smart/athletic on the outside only makes things worse. People have expectations for me socially and I obviously don’t meet them. So what’s their conclusion? He’s weird, something must be off about that guy. How can he have all this stuff but be so strange. + +They’ll never understand I just want to experience life like they do, lol. I’m forever the empath that can’t make a life with other people.",Personality disorder +51328,"I honestly feel like I'm undeserving of socialization unless I'm at my absolute best/""perfect"", so I end up only even trying when I feel like I meet the ""criteria"" Have never been able to figure out if this is from my avpd or something else. It causes so much problems for me, especially for romantic relationships where I feel completely unworthy of love or affection if I don't meet the criteria I have in my mind + +Everytime I go out and socialize without meeting the criteria in my mind I end up thinking that people probably feel disgusted by having me around",Personality disorder +51620,"Irritated with oppression Olympics between AvPD and Schizoid PD T/w angry rant ahead + +What the hell is the oppression Olympics between AvPD and SzPD all about with some people on this sub? + +There are all these casual mentions of things like “well my life sucks but at least I’m happy I don’t have SzPD” that keep showing up lately. + +Why not just say something about being relieved not having to experience **social anhedonia**? It’s not the only symptom experienced by people with SzPD, although it seems to be simplified into that. + +I don’t understand the obsessive need of some of the people in this sub to glorify that they are somehow winning against other mental ill people simply because they don’t experience social anhedonia. + +Experiencing social anhedonia is not a intentional choice of people with Schizoid PD. It would be like saying people with ADHD are choosing to be inattentive. + +Also, there is a lot more to SzPD then the one symptom that some people in this sub seem to be hyperfixating on. + +END RANT",Personality disorder +51512,"I hate when this fear tries to get in the way of me wanting to help someone. And then I hate the part of me that's focusing on my own feelings instead of the person in need. + +Fck, why can't I just help someone without worrying if I'm gonna say the right thing?",Personality disorder +51024,"I think I may have AVPD, anyone relate? I’ve been in therapy on and off since 2015. I’ve been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and bulimia. Recently I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD too. Though recently I’ve been thinking something more is wrong with me. I’ve been in therapy and been on meds since 2015 with med increases and it helps, but in stressful times or when I forget to take my meds I go back to the same thought patterns. Recently they’ve been coming up. + + +What makes me think it’s AVPD because for the past decade and a half I’ve always felt inadequate and not good enough, no matter what I do. It’s rare for me to think I’m “good” at something but even then I feel like I’m bragging and being obtuse or being narcissistic. Objectively I’ve had success, I’ve been to a reputable college and for grad school I went to an Ivy League school but I feel like it’s a fluke. + +I constantly feel like a nuisance and a burden. I regret and am critical with most of my reactions with other people and assume everyone is tired of me or thinks I’m annoying even though no one says anything or gives me one statement like “what’s up with all the talking.” + +I don’t like to be the first one to call someone a friend because I want to make sure they feel like they are my friend. I don’t want to impose myself on them and I assume they don’t want to be my friend. Even some of my friends now, I get into episodes where I assume they don’t like me but because they’re nice they tolerate me. I don’t like to reach out to them first because I don’t want to bother them. + +I don’t follow up with friendships because I don’t want to bother anyone. There’s people that I loved to spend time with and liked them as a human but I don’t want to bother them at all so I avoid. + +I don’t really date. I’ve had dating apps but I can only use them if I pay for the parts that lets me see who likes me first and then I go from there. + +Regarding jobs/working, initially I would take the first job offer I got because they wanted me, because I would assume I’m not good enough for any other place. I tend to be the person, since high school, to primarily only speak until I’m spoken to or is asked to speak, otherwise I stay quiet. I only have a handful of friends that I’ve known for at least a decade that I ask to hang out, but otherwise I usually don’t initiate conversations or social events. If I do it with high anxiety and expectation of rejection. + +Criticism is also detrimental to me. I’ve gotten better at it in the past year or so but it still just debilitates me. I feel like a failure and want to run away when I get criticism. + +So basically because I’ve been like this since high school (currently 30) I’m thinking I have AVPD. My job is social and interactive with people which makes it seem like I don’t have it but my impostor syndrome is so high unless I get verbal confirmation from others that I’m doing good. with everything else I assume I’m a bad person and I need to isolate and/or disappear; with family and friends and coworkers. + +Does anyone else relate? I have a therapist and I’m going to bring this up. + + +TL;DR +I think I have AVPD because of my baseline fear of rejection, criticism, wanting to have close friends but feeling inadequate and/or like a bad person, and I don’t want to initiate friendships or relationships unless they confirm they want to be my friend and/or like me. + +EDIT: I think I’m looking for anyone who thinks this might be AvPD and/or validation? Idk",Personality disorder +50695,"Does anyone read book called No More Mr Nice Guy? I've seen it recommended here often, and decide to check it. I'm only in the beginning but this book seems really misogynistic and like American conservative or something. I'm kinda want to dnf it but maybe there are something useful in it? What is your opinion if anyone read it?",Personality disorder +51484,"Tired of bottling it all up I want to be able to talk to someone deeply about my avoidance and other issues, I can’t stand keeping it all inside me anymore, but I feel like once I start talking about these things to anyone I just come across as victimizing myself. +I’m slowly losing connections day by day but even when indirectly called out for it by friends or family, I still can’t find the courage to do anything about it. + +I know I’m capable of developing strong relationships given enough time, but the problem is most people don’t have that patience, or they’re unable to reason with my POV.",Personality disorder +51747,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned (in a western country) and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wl0eu)",Personality disorder +50852,"Do you have goals? I realised that I never really had (or was aware) of life goals or dreams I had. I think this is why I don't really feel like a person and so different from others. And why I never let anyone get close to me, otherwise they would realise how different I am and distance themselves. + +Do you have dreams and goals? Have you ever had them, maybe as kids?",Personality disorder +51236,"Can't get anything done Not sure if anyone else relates, but I'm struggling to start or finish anything. I'm incredibly behind in my work, and I don't do any hobbies or spend much time at the gym either. I'm also pretty ashamed of myself, which leads me to avoid people. It's not a good circle to be stuck in. I've had ideas for things to try, but it's pretty hard to start anything. Does anyone else relate?",Personality disorder +50808,"I love the idea of a romantic relationship, but I can’t put the work in. I (28M) feel like any kind of dating/relationships is just work - work, work, work, work, work. I like the idea of having a connection in my life, but I don’t think I’m willing to do what it takes. + +I think bc I’m so low-maintenance, I attract a lot of very clingy needy people which made me hate the idea of dating because they’d never leave me alone. And not just the process of dating itself (which sucks for most people); but just being in a relationship, requires too much work and expectations. Maybe I’m just lazy, but how do you have the motivation to keep going with dating when it’s just annoyance?",Personality disorder +51128,"Any good resources for self directed CBT? I'm interested in CBT, but am too broke/anxious to see an actual therapist.",Personality disorder +50902,"Post-socialisation stress What's your aftercare after socialising, if the interaction has been neutral or negative?",Personality disorder +50765,DAE talk too much about themselves / overshare for no reason Usually I am a secretive person but if I start talking about myself I almost always go into unneccessary details.,Personality disorder +51851,"How to not hurt peoples feelings I think I’m doing better at socializing than before but after a big socialization day I get so worn out from all the effort it takes that I need a recovery day where I literally don’t interact with anyone or else I start shutting down. + +However society does not work on my schedule and so obviously I can’t always have a recovery. When I’m socially overwhelmed I tend to give short answers and seem super aloof, disinterested, monotone etc. sometimes people take this personally even though it has nothing to do with them, I’m just worn out. + +Usually with strangers it doesn’t matter that much because I’ll never meet them again, but with my friends or partner it can be hard. They obviously care about me and start asking, “are you mad at me? Am I annoying? Etc.” and that kind of stuff is really irritating because it requires some level of delicacy by saying “you as a person are not annoying, but I’m just really irritated right now for reasons other than you, and you are exacerbating it. But it is not your fault and there’s no reason you would’ve known this” Like I wish I could just say that but literally nothing comes out of my mouth. I can’t manage anything other than a tiny whimper of a “no…” because I at least want to preserve their feelings. + +My partner especially gets insecure and frequently asks me “are you mad at me, do you hate me, am I annoying” somewhat in jest but also to an extent it’s a reflection of real insecurities I know she has told me about. I can’t handle navigating those questions when I’m socially overstimulated but I don’t want to make her insecure worse either. I know a relationship is a two way street but I always feel like a burden for my emotions and needs :-( + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +51845,"Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls +This is a throwaway account. People on social media always say I’m trying to get attention but wtf is wrong with that? I don’t know for sure if I have avpd but I think I do I can’t pay for therapy I live with my mom and I hate her I’m 18 can’t drive alone I always get in crashes or get a ticket sometimes I speed because I’m mad at my uncle. I have a job but I dropped out of school because I don’t care and I have so much trauma from everything in my childhood. And anyway nothing matters now except being famous that’s all I want I just have no idea why in real life I avoid people but online I have a girlfriend and I’m obsessed with her it scares me sometimes because I can’t stop thinking about her and if she broke up with me I don’t think I could take it I’ve only met her once in real life but it doesn’t matter I talk to her all the time but the most important thing is that she talks to me and she’s obsessed with me so I need her. I think I deserve to be famous more than anyone else because I’ve been through so much and also I feel like I’m better than most people something about me is different and I’m special . Can someone dm me to talk more about this? I need to know why I want to be famous and how can I get famous? Also is it possible to have avpd and want to be famous?",Personality disorder +50855,"I went to the gym!! I just thought I would share a good thing. + +I have been trying to go to the gym for a while. I would drive to the parking lot, then turn around and go home. Today I went in, and walked on the treadmill! I feel so happy about it. + +Especially after I got the courage to go to church a few weeks ago, after missing 3 years, and saw someone very triggering and had a melt down for the rest of the day. It made me feel there might be no point in doing things, if it is just going to lead to feeling sad and stressed.",Personality disorder +50854,"did a bunch of dxm yesterday and I realized that the reason I'm like this is that I've viewed other people as threats my whole life. Ever since I was little I've implicitly assumed that other people want to hurt me until and unless I have incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. I have no idea why I'm like this. It sounds like something someone who was abused would write, but I wasn't. My parents were nice and caring. I just came out wrong somehow lmao. I had nothing to be afraid of and yet I was terrified of everything :(",Personality disorder +51439,"group chat attention don’t you hate it when your message stays the last on a group chat? +so much attention, I end up deleting my messages later on.",Personality disorder +51637,,Personality disorder +51314,,Personality disorder +51849,Could you change and get better through lots of effort ? If I made the effort to challenge myself everyday could I eventually change and maybe even get rid of my AvPD ? So tired of living like this and I’m still young so hopefully it’s possible…,Personality disorder +51292,"Do you read Books? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/1113eeq)",Personality disorder +50964,"Fantasising causing issues with my sleep It seems like no matter how tired I am, whenever I go to bed I just lay there thinking about hypothetical situations that are unlikely to ever happen. Generally it'll be fantasies (for lack of a better word) about potential relationship situations or generally sometimes just social situations and it's absolutely ruining my ability to sleep. I'm distracting myself with other things for hours just in an effort to be too tired to fantasise but it happens anyway and my sleeping pattern is being ruined because of it. + +Anyone do the same or any advice on how to ease off on this?",Personality disorder +51663,,Personality disorder +51080,"Why do I always say to myself that my life doesn’t matter? It happened lots of times in my life. I liked some girl and she maybe liked me too, but my thought process was “it doesn’t matter that I like her, it’s just me and I don’t matter, she is better off without me, I will just ignore her”, or if something bad happens to me and I am like “oh, it doesn’t matter, it’s just me, so it’s acceptable” + +It’s like I feel like my life doesn’t matter and bad things happening to me and unhappiness is normal. In grand schema things maybe it’s true, but I personally shouldn’t feel like this right? My life should mean everything to me, it literally is the only thing I will be ever living.",Personality disorder +51417,"Always unfulfilled by sex? Hey everyone! So I'm a trans woman who is completely and utterly confused by sex. I've (somehow) managed to have sex with multiple different people, yet every time I feel wayyyyyyyy too anxious to actually enjoy any of the pleasure, and instead delegate myself to please my partner instead. When I think about sex it seems appealing, but whenever I actually get to have it, I can't help but panic and be scared that I'm not good enough for them... Is this normal? Can anyone else relate? I don't think I am asexual, since I'm very much so attracted to men and women and everything in between, but any advice would be nice.",Personality disorder +50732,"Just venting Wanna preface this by saying that I'm not diagnosed nor do I self-diagnose. It's just that I can relate to some of the symptoms and people here, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings. + +I feel insane sometimes. I feel really neurotic, paranoid, insecure, and immature sometimes. When I don't think about memories or people that upset me, I'm fine. These past few months I've been slowly recovering from this horrible depression that's plagued me for a while, but in these past few days it's been returning as I start thinking about these bad memories again. + +I feel traumatized and like I'm a victim of something I can't understand. Like I'm alone in this pain. The thing is that my ""trauma"" is really just a dozen or so bad interactions I had in my old circle of friends. In particular, there was this one person who I had a handful of unpleasant interactions with. These were mostly brief exchanges that shouldn't have affected me as much as they did, but they felt really, sincerely resentful and unwarranted. What did I do? I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and nobody did for me. + +This person lashed out at me, calling me insecure and afraid a couple of times, and said some horrible things about people with my disability. They're ableist and, honestly, that group as a whole was too. Not out of malicious intent but ignorance. + +This person wasn't wrong, but the way they treated me didn't help. Seeing those criticisms mirrored by others a couple of times made me feel even more weak, because I knew I was being talked about behind my back. And when I did eventually see how this person talked about me behind my back, it felt nasty and unwarranted. + +Still though, it feels so fucking stupid man. I don't know why I let this hurt me. It's been months since I stopped talking to those friends, a few years since those bad exchanges occured, and it still affects me. I never met a person who exhibited such resentment for me in my life, seemingly for no justifiable reason. It really hurt my self-esteem and it still does. + +When I think about those friends for too long I start to say things like ""I wanna die"" to myself, like a tic. It's so stupid and I feel like a horrible person for this. For feeling such disproportionate hurt over a dozen or so bad memories. When I don't think about this stuff I begin to feel more ""normal"" again though. + +Sorry that this is so long but I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. If not, sorry for wasting your time. I hope this isn't considered off-topic since I'm undiagnosed. But yeah, I feel really pathetic about this side of myself. Maybe I'm just highly neurotic, I don't know. I just wish I could understand what's wrong with me.",Personality disorder +50885,"My dog is teaching me just how destructive my mum was for me growing up and now. The other day my mum left the house and my dog had zoomies. I thought; how strange. Maybe she is glad she has me all to herself. + +Then I became aware that all the tension went out the door with her. + +I've been so isolated with only my mum as 'company' that I forgot how different, kind and cool other people can be. I'd become a bit of a misanthrope. However on walks I've met some really genuine and good people. It was shocking., I couldn't believe it. It's making me realise how harmful being in constant contact with my mother {who is extremely toxic} is for my affiliation with humans. + +I can't wait to move away from her. Maybe I'm not doomed to be alone.",Personality disorder +50999,"Is getting diagnosed with AvPD worth it? So correct me if I’m wrong about any of what I’m about to say. + +I noticed that the treatment for AvPD is cbt, which would be pretty much the standard treatment for a lot of mental health problems. + +So is it worth going through the process of being diagnosed with AvPD when you could just be diagnosed with something like say anxiety, and still get the same treatment options? + +Again, if I’m wrong don’t hesitate to correct me. + +Thanks and have a great day.",Personality disorder +51195,"Update to 'Oh god, I have a date' [My old post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/comments/zwc806/oh_god_i_have_a_date/) + +Hi everyone! + +Since you all were so kind I wanted to share my experience. The date went okay, but she kind of felt distant to me afterwards, shorter answers, not really engaging in text chats. +It felt like she had no interest so I stopped texting her. +Last Wednesday after a dance class some people went to a bar in the same building. I chatted with her and some other people. It was quite nice. +Afterwards we had the same way home so we walked together and kept talking. +She talked about some mental health problems she had and how she was dealing with it, therapy and so on. She was quite open and frank. +Later when I was at home I thought about how she was in person compared to the text messages. My picture of her had changed a bit. Previously I would have said she was quite the confident woman (I still think she is though), but afterwards I saw that she also had internal struggles and insecurities. +So, I today decided to ask her again if she'd like to meet for a coffee. +She texted me back, that she thinks I'm really sweet and it's always fun talking with me, but her life is too ""full"" right now and she has no place right now for another friendship or something deeper. She'd like to keep it at the dance lessons and socials. She is sorry, that's probably not the answer I was hoping for, but she is just trying to being honest. +I wrote back, that it wasn't the answer I hoped for, but I thought I would get. I thought she was a great person and find her to be pretty awesome, so I had to write her. + +So, that's it. I'm a bit sad now, although I knew this would be coming. Still it's better to be in the clear. + +I've given up some hope to find a partner. It's so hard not to be frustrated or be frustrated, live through the frustration and get out of it on top. + +My few relationships began during those very rare moments in my life, where I was truly happy. A condition that feels unreachable at the moment. This makes it feel impossible to find love. +I try to be the best person I can be, but it never feels enough.",Personality disorder +50714,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 2) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z16lg)",Personality disorder +51294,,Personality disorder +51600,How common is it to develop aggression as a pw avpd as a way to cope with the fear? Starting to learn more about avpd. People talk about the fight or flight reaction and i myself have experienced it where i thought i either have to fight or run away but i was wondering if pw avpd ever experience this and hence grow up to be somewhat antisocial?,Personality disorder +51057,"""You’re not a one hundred dollar bill, not everyone is going to like you"" Okay, what if no one does? By this logic I must be a real piece of shit.",Personality disorder +51137,does anyone write stories? Does anyone here write stories with characters? Is it tough? In my experience I feel like I don't know enough about people to write characters who aren't just like me. How is it for anyone else who writes or tries to?,Personality disorder +51520,"What are your romantic relationship patterns? Mine end up being completely consumed by the other person to the point that I take on their life and forget mine. Then resentment around 6months (used to be 3 yrs) bc I dont exist and I can't seem to integrate anyone in my life. + +Its not fair to them. The start and stop has taken up so many years and energy. I wish I could feel so free w someone that I could just be in my underwear and sing every song I know seriously I would love to feel at ease with someone. I dont stand up for my values, ppl lose respect bc I seem to not have boundaries. My head is screaming but nothing comes out, freeze-run-fawn. + +Do I need to find peace within before attempting to get peace relating to anyone?",Personality disorder +51668,"how to gently ghost an avoidant without making feel them guilty? so, throwaway because i’m afraid she might be in this sub. +before asking the real question, long story short (tldr at the end): + +so me (22m) and this girl (20f) matched on tinder a year ago, we want on a date and then she ghosted me the day after. +tried to talk to her one day after few months, got a single message reply and then she disappeared again. +at the end of last year i notice she was on hinge saying she broke up with her bf, so i started posting instagram stories that she might’ve been find interesting, and she started liking them, so after a while i reached out to her and wishing a happy new year. she seemed kinda interest, so we made plans for the following week. +she ghosted me again. i was disappointed. +after few days i noticed she had put me back in the close friends (she removed me from it after the first ghosting) so i thought “mh she might be to ashamed to write me back after all this time, i’ll reach out again” +and since then we never stopped talking anymore, but here comes the problem. +we just talked for a couple months, i tried not to push anything to don’t let her make uncomfortable and run away again, but she basically is just venting on me, and now she started venting also about “male friends” on and on, so i got suspicious, and i was right, she’s back on hinge with a fresh new verified and recently active profile. + +now here comes the problem, and i don’t mean her being on hinge, at least not directly. +-she’s in therapy and on meds, i’m pretty sure her therapist wouldn’t suggest her to be on hinge (correct me if i’m wrong). +-she said she couldn’t drink cause of meds and of med swings, but few days ago she started hanging out at night (she couldn’t do it before hanging out with me couple weeks ago) with “a male friend” and wanted to get drunk ( 🚩). +-she said she’s to anxious to hang out with people outta blue ( 🚩). +-we were talking about hanging out again, said she was super busy, got even more busy with college lessons, but she found the to hang out with somebody else, while i’m being her emotional support for the last 2-3 months +-didn’t text me back for couple days after hanging out with that guy + +so the real question is: how do i gently end up things with her? i don’t want to make feel her guilty, but i can’t keep stressing myself this much + +i thought she’d made progress with her therapist, but apparently she isn’t doing much of what they says, so i think she might be helpless and toxic, and mostly we aren’t on the same page, i truly love her and i think she knows but she’s playing with me and using me just to vent and for not feeling completely lonely + +TLDR after being ghosted multiple times with a girl with avpd, adhd and probably bpd too (i’m referring what she said to me), we seemed to bond for once, but she might be a toxic person and i don’t think i don’t want keep pursuing this anymore , i’d like to slowly walk away without hurting both of us. +she probably know i’m in love with her and she’s playing me. even if i’d come out and we’d make things work (quite impossible imho) i’m not sure she might be a good fit. + +-sorry for language mistakes and for the format, but i’m from mobile-",Personality disorder +51339,"In the past, people have commented on how I make them feel like they can open up to me and that I am ""natural"". What I find bizarre is that I never seem to easily recall all the positive feedback I've received. + +Instead, I focus on the negative feedback that occurred way before then. + +As someone pointed out, this is a glaring example of AvPD. + +Many of us never felt emotionally secure as children, which led to our insecure attachment styles and avoidant personalities. + +I'm trying to take radical responsibility in order to address all of my issues now, though.",Personality disorder +51719,"I suspect myself of having AvPD I am turning 17 in a month and a half and I suspect myself of having AvPD, I am trying to do more research on the disorder, I am not going to self diagnose, but I am hoping people who are diagnosed can tell me more about the traits and what its like having AvPD.",Personality disorder +51634,"How has your week been? Explain how your week went in the comments ❤️ + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10i9u4n)",Personality disorder +51643,"How much of your avpd surrounds your appearance? I've been told I'm pretty but I almost never believe it lol. I don't like attention of any kind, good or bad. I noticed that I have this weird perfectionism that I have to ""look good"" for people. Ofc you want to be presentable + +But I take it overboard. I won't leave my house if I feel too badly about my appearance that day. I feel like I'm offending people by not looking good. I'm pretty sure this stems from ofc, childhood. + +I didn't care too much for looks as a kid, I just wanted to have fun. But my dad would constantly judge my hair, want me to change my clothes so I can look better. Every thing was about appearances with him. He would constantly look at himself, even in windows while walking out in public. + +He'd spend hours getting dressed (despite having no hair, so I don't get what took so long 🤭). I noticed I've picked up the same habits. I care far too much for my appearance when logically I know most people don't care. And if they do care, that's kind of weird. + +Are you like this? How does your appearance play into your avpd?",Personality disorder +50928,"Where do AvPD people hang out irl I know you don’t go out often, but when you do, where are you? + +What clubs/interest groups has the highest chance of having avpd people? I’m trying to find my own kind. Looking for people like yourself, that’s pretty normal right?",Personality disorder +50716,"“You’re still single man? What’s a young, good looking guy like you doing wrong?” My brain is broken. I’m incapable of creating and maintaining close relationships, either out of some awkward self-consciousness or fear. That’s pretty much all there is to it. + +The fact that I seem pretty normal/smart/athletic on the outside only makes things worse. People have expectations for me socially and I obviously don’t meet them. So what’s their conclusion? He’s weird, something must be off about that guy. How can he have all this stuff but be so strange. + +They’ll never understand I just want to experience life like they do, lol. I’m forever the empath that can’t make a life with other people.",Personality disorder +51814,"Can denying my sexuality be a cause of AVPD? So few years back i got AVPD diagnosis. I am now trying to get out of this rut and fix things. Thing is: i have avoided everything all my life, even my feelings. So its hard. + +One thing i am thinking of past few days is that when i knew i was gay at 13 years old, i avoided thinking about it and refusing to accept my sexuality. I only came out once i was 19. So 6 years i was 'locked' in avoiding being who i am. I am in my 30s now and after a bad breakup been trying to figure my life out. + +Is it possible that being ' in the closet' for more then 6 years contribute in developing AVPD? As i notice i still dont accept my sexuality 100% and still think what people might think of it and reject me because of my sexuality. Thats what i did when i first figured out i was gay, thinking that my then friends would bully or reject me... + +Any other gay people here who can relate?",Personality disorder +51477,,Personality disorder +51495,,Personality disorder +50753,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkz3v)",Personality disorder +51654,"Is there anyone interested in joining a group for AvPD on Telegram? **Edit:** The Telegram group has been created, here's the invitation link: https://t.me/+r_m6p58MZUhmZDdk + +- Number of members as of 2022/07/30: **71** +- Number of members as of 2022/09/26: **158** +- Number of members as of 2022/12/25: **219** + +We created a [Telegram](https://www.telegram.org/) group/room for people with AvPD who want to talk to other people with AvPD, to break the loneliness, pass the time, make friends or just lurk. + +Please introduce yourself briefly (for instance: name, age, sex, country, languages spoken, hobbies) when joining the group. Also, remember to welcome people who just joined the group. + +If you have any suggestions or ideas to improve (in quality) the group, if you want to create an event or anything that might improve the experience of the group, feel free to share them in the group and ping me. + +[Telegram](https://telegram.org/) is available on PC (Windows), macOS, Linux, iPhone (iOS), iPad (iOS) and Android phones and tablets. There's also a Web version (but you first need to install it on one of your devices to use it). + +**Note:** You can also speak your native language in this group (if at least one other member also speak it).",Personality disorder +51470,"Any good books about avpd? Does anyone know of any good books about avoidant personality disorder? When I search Amazon, not that many come up and the two main ones that are from a psychologist are $50!",Personality disorder +50730,"This is a bit of a weird question, but does anyone else relate a lot to these anime titles? (Mushishi, Kino's Journey etc) I've always wondered if this is something AvPD adjacent. + +* Mushishi + +* Kino's Journey + +* Spice and wolf + +* Girl's last tour + +* Serial Experiments Lain + +They are not really related in any genre way but all feature some sort of disconnect with the MCs and the rest of the world. It's like you're just traveling through it and never really putting down roots but instead just observing for a while and then moving on, they all sort of have this somber undertone that you're not really a part of the world and just experiencing small parts of it. + +Most of them feature a pair traveling together which makes it feel less lonely but Mushishi only has the MC and that's the one that feels closest to AvPD in a weird way in my mind. + +Does this make sense?",Personality disorder +50934,"I made a friend for the first time since middle school when covid hit I became very isolated since I was doing school online but last school year I went back in person and there was this person that would approach me but I was too shy to really talk to him and I finally built up the courage this last september to actually approach him. I've gotten really close with him and I am so fuckin glad I befriended him. He's really loving, kind and patient. He's assertive, out there and also very protective while I'm very quiet, meek and also generally on edge and easily spooked so he balances me out and calms me very well. I can tell he cares very deeply about me and he's accepting of my differences. I told him about my avpd and he has been very understanding and helpful. His attitude and actions have given me a really big confidence boost in our friendship and just in general. I feel a lot more comfortable just existing and taking up space. Even tho i still struggle a lot having a supportive and caring friend has helped me tremendously and I'm planning to keep him around for a very long time :)",Personality disorder +51463,"awful interaction, never again A talks to me, B is her friend. transcript of bits of the conversation: + +A: “hi (name)!!!” +*i didn’t know how to answer* +A: “you’re so funny, you know that?” +A: “hi (name)!!!” +*panicking* +A: “you’re really funny hahahaha!” +this repeats for very long. + +A: “omg you’re so interesting i am super interested okay. wow you’re so mysterious!” +B: “stop being so fake, it’s so obvious.” +A: “shut up, don’t listen to B.” +B: “she’s lying.” + +A: “i didn’t know that about you!!!!!! omg B did you know that he likes (this and that)? i’m so excited this is so interesting!” + +B: “stop he doesn’t want to talk to you it’s obvious.” +A: “hey (name), you love to talk to me right? i’m nice to talk to right?” + +A: “why aren’t you talking to me?? is it because i’m annoying? tell me!!!” + +A: “why don’t you ever talk???? you’re like so mysterious okay i know nothing about you! do you just not like to talk? that’s so sad!!!!” + +i was forced to give her my instagram. + +A (to B): “look i got (name)‘s instagram!! such an achievement, you don’t even have it!” + + + +it feels like i’m a zoo animal, the way she talks to B in front of my face like how visitors excitedly talk to their friends after a monkey imitates their actions.",Personality disorder +50955,"I did something. Call me insane, but I don't regret it. I'll transfer if I have to. https://i.imgur.com/KiU7KST.jpg +I may have just ruined my chances at a college career",Personality disorder +51455,"Communication When you have avpd, you avoid forming relationships, ight?Therefore most of us prefer living like hermits. The point I am trying to make is, is there anyone else who notice that they can't carry even simplest chit chats?When someone tries to talk to me and asks anything, I try my best to come up with an answer but it feels like there is some sort of static in my head, the white noise. I guess it's because I heavily prefer my fantasies over real life 😅",Personality disorder +51481,"You really do have to be your own best friend 🥲 I got rejected recently and it caused me to spiral really *badly*. My brain went straight into ""see, I knew you weren't good enough"", ""ofc you're not their type"", ""ofc they only wanted you for your body"", ""nobody will want you romantically"" + +It got so bad that I started having physical pains. I had to literally interrupt that mean voice and say ""woah, you're hurting yourself and you need to stop"". It takes practice but it's very important to interrupt that shitty inner critic. Its going to look for any proof that you're not good enough and you have to challenge it + +So I reminded myself ""hey, maybe this person genuinely meant it when they said they're not ready for a relationship"". I had to tell myself maybe they have their own emotional blocks that's stopping them. And I had to refer to my fav quote of all time when it comes to rejection ""you can be the ripest peach, and there's always someone that just doesn't like peaches"" + +Please, if you're able to, create that positive voice that challenges negative thoughts. It's not a cure ofc but over time you will start to have more compassion for yourself and your inherent value.",Personality disorder +50859,"Nobody Knows It But Me ""Like a clown I put on a show +The pain is real even if nobody knows +Now I'm cryin' inside and nobody knows it but me"" + + The lyrics from the song “Nobody knows” by Tony Rich Project has always really stuck with me. It illustrated perfectly how I’d felt for such a long time. It hit me like a load of bricks how beautifully it described that feeling. A feeling that I’d struggled so much to put into words was put so simply, and it brings tears to my eyes even now. How sad it is that only You would know this feeling and nobody could relate. It's a tragic love song actually but some lines of the song just resonate with me as someone with AVP. + +[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf0BA5I-A9I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf0BA5I-A9I)",Personality disorder +51677,Creep Is Radiohead Creep the Anthem for AVPD or is our problem so much more comes?,Personality disorder +51485,"I made my feelings known despite knowing I wasn't going to get the results I wanted. I told someone how I truly felt about them. I knew I wasn't going to get the results I wanted, but their reply was sweet and gentle and did not come across as complete rejection. I walked away from the conversation in no more pain than I was in when I started it. I can at least live knowing that I didn't let my anxiety keep my from taking the chance. I don't think anything will change between us as a result of the conversation, which is good as they are a good friend of mine and I would hate to lose that. + +Life has been weird lately, I have discussed my feelings about this person with someone else which is something I wouldn't have ever thought I could do. I think that has helped me gather the strength to talk to the other person directly. Whatever works, right?",Personality disorder +51413,"Just had a date, and it was neutral I've seen two posts of two extremes in the past 24 hours (here and r/socialanxiety), [one that went well](https://redd.it/10tpr60) (ended with a kiss) and [one that apparently was awful](https://redd.it/10tws9h) (but still a growing experience), so I figured I'd report my experience that was somewhere in the middle. + +Recently had a girl message me on Tinder and the conversation went really well/flowed really naturally. She suggested we meet up, and considering how much I've progressed recently, I figured I wouldn't give myself enough time to reconsider/doubt myself and just said yes. + +I was pretty chill for the most part, but my nerves got the best of me once there were only two hours left before the date, but it still wasn't nearly as bad as it would've been before. + +The date went pretty well. I was pretty nervous, but nothing that was overwhelming. We walked and talked a bunch, went to a small art exhibition, grabbed some ice cream and then I had to leave. + +Overall a very pleasant experience despite the nervousness. I would have neeever in my life had thought that I'd be able to go on a tinder date fully sober. In the past I had to get blackout drunk (+other drugs) to even text people on Tinder, so I'm very very very glad I had the power in me to not cancel or chicken out and actually go through with this, even if nothing might come of it. I'll definitely have more confidence moving forward thanks to this experience. + +Good luck out there!",Personality disorder +51607,"""Levels/degress"" of AvPD Recently, i was watching a live of Personality Disorders, and this psychiatry said that there is a reason of why AvPD isn't diagnosed enough or ""clinically useless"" (i didn't like this term): sometimes the AvPD is ""mild"" so it's confused with a normal anxiety, or when more serious it's diagnosed as Social Anxiety. + The aforementioned speech makes me real pessimistic about this disorder, as iit makes clear that we are really neglected. ""Clinically useless"", what the hell? + I think that there's a reason for so much misinformation about AvPD: the people who know the most about this disorder are those who suffer daily on skin, but we can't provide clinical care because we are weakened, so there's a big cycle of misinformation and no progress. In short, average people cannot understand us satisfactorily. :( + Advances on this disorder will certainly come, but I believe it will not be so soon. + I hope you guys may have understood my point. Discussions are open. :)",Personality disorder +51379,"Boyfriend broke up with me over my AvPD I was already thinking about breaking up with him just because AvPD made it too painful and scary to be in a relationship even when he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but it’s still gut-wrenching. I’m not necessarily heartbroken, I just feel like shit because his reasoning boiled down to “I get you have AvPD and you can’t help it, but it’s your fault this isn’t working out”. He was sick of me constantly ghosting him, never directly communicating or confronting him about anything, and he called me childish for being unable to have a difficult conversation like an adult. + +I already feel guilty enough about the way AvPD makes me act without someone I thought was understanding telling me exactly all the ways I ruined this for him, all of which just so happen to be things I already constantly worry are reasons people avoid or despise me. In situations like this, people usually say some shit like “it’s not you it’s me” or go easy on you, right? + +Not to mention, one of his reasons was that I was ghosting him while I have been in animation crunch on a tight deadline so I genuinely didn’t have the time or energy to even read messages whatsoever let alone respond, which feels like maybe he should’ve been a tiny bit more understanding of, but in terms of the big picture, I guess I understand. + +It still feels like shit though. I’ve never been broken up with before, and even though I wanted out since the week he first confessed to me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over this that easy just because he wanted me to know I was the bad boyfriend and everything I was insecure about, I have every right to hate myself for. + +EDIT: After I panic-blocked him on all social media, he is now anonymously harassing me on Tumblr to confront me about it and generally being very childish and kinda fucked up and creepy, so. Maybe I dodged a bullet, actually.",Personality disorder +50688,"Anxiety after the gym Ever since I started going to the gym , I have fallen in love with it. I look forward to it everyday as it completely distracts me from whatever it is I might be dealing with in my head. I usually go in the evening and up until then I'm fine. But I swear that drive back from the gym and when I'm sitting in my room all alone, can be extremely excruciating sometimes. The anxiety feels like a balloon going up and up into the sky, eventually it will pop and come back down. It's just an awful feeling, and I feel it almost every time now. I wonder if anyone else has felt it or knows what I'm talking about? It's such a terribly lonely feeling I get. I think what really bothers me more than anything in my life is this belief I have that I am not a good person. I mean it's not like I'm cussing people out or being a dick to anyone. It's more like I treat people like they don't matter or mean anything to me, it's an extremely shitty thing to do. Like I see a lot of the same people every day, and I think normally this would result in you forming a bond with them slowly at least. But it's not like that, everyone that's not in my immediate family just gets kept at arm's length. Even then, the relationships I do have with my family almost seem to be held up by plastic and tape.",Personality disorder +50739,Anyone here in nyc I'm a black male an have ocd I don't leave the house at all an can't function I made terrible mistakes doing things that are low class.,Personality disorder +50810,"Currently grieving the life I‘ll never have Yes I‘m working on myself and it‘s never to late to start/change. But some things are time sensitive and I‘ll just have to accept I‘ll never have children for example. Sure I could pop one out right now, but that wouldn‘t be the responsible thing to do given my mental state as well as just my general state of things. + +There just isn‘t enough time for me to get well enough, get my life in order, find a reasonable partner get married and start a family before time runs out. So now I‘m just trying to prepare myself for when the inevitable comes and I‘m still here left alone probably still struggling mentally. + +That is all, I‘m sad this disorder has robbed me of so much and I still can‘t seem to get a handle on it.",Personality disorder +50729,"The worst part is the lack of hope I’m always gonna be like this. Even with years of therapy and meds, even while on copious amounts of confidence enhancing and anxiety reducing drugs, I’m still too socially anxious and awkward. Sure I can force myself to socialise but I can’t force myself to enjoy it, or force myself to relax and just be myself. The fact that this shit isn’t getting any better no matter what I try is so demoralising, it makes everything else pointless, having severe avpd/social anxiety really does infect every little area of your life. I can’t hold a job, I can’t make friends, I haven’t talked to a girl in years, never mind having a relationship. My anxiety is so bad I get second hand anxiety watching people interact on a tv screen, or hearing others use voice chat in video games. + +And as I said, sure I could force myself to ‘get out there’ and maybe make friends or a gf, but I can’t force myself to enjoy being around them. I’d be constantly stressed out, tense, unable to relax. I’d have nothing in common with them, I only ever feel comfortable alone. Living with a brain like this is like torture, craving connections and feeling horribly lonely but being unable to actually make any connections or function in a social situation. I’m technically an adult but I have no independence, I still feel like a child, and I know for a fact that if I keep on going my future is nothing but boring, bleak and lonely. What’s the point of going to an awful, stressful job everyday if my days off are just as bad. My ‘hobbies’ are just escapism, I don’t even enjoy anything anymore, I’m just so tired, I really don’t see the point in going on when my brain is this fucked up and my future is inevitably empty and alone. I’m barely in my 20s but I’m certain I won’t make it to 30, it’s so crazy how fucked up i am, avpd is so awful, it robs you of a basic human need but still leaves you with the desire for it. A longing hunger that can never be sated, the empty void inside my only gets bigger, things are only getting worse. No heartbreak or feeling of loss, nothing to even look back on, there’s just nothing. There has always been nothing, my life is empty and always will be",Personality disorder +50689,,Personality disorder +51535,"I can see why people think I'm unfriendly When I'm talking with a group I'm already comfortable with and a new person I'm not comfortable with yet comes in, I stare at them and I don't say anything. + +I don't look people in the eyes while talking. I don't say hi or bye. I rush to end conversations and walk away quickly if I feel overwhelmed. + +Not mention I have a bad case of resting bitch face. No wonder people hate me and think I'm judging them 💀",Personality disorder +51117,"Society has already collapsed and I don't want to be a part of it. I've isolated myself for a long time. I never fit in anyway, I couldn't make connections last. I always messed up. But I tried. + +I now realise that it's too late. I grew in such an abusive family that I never learned how to love and relate. And then I fell ill. Since then I became disabled. + +Sometimes my arms hurt so bad, that I can't type. I've been trying to survive a gruesome situation for months now. I can only communicate in short bursts. All the rest that I need is gone. + +And I put myself out there. Ashamed and small. Guess what? No one cares. I'm at fault too. But it's not only me. I hope it will be over soon. But I rather struggle alone. I hope that I can get some of my hobbies back, take up space. + +I can't chat anymore, it makes me want to barf. I can't really go outside and to be honest, I am scared. I found out how easy it is to abuse me. It's not like I can run, just hide. + +There's nothing much to say. I truly am alone. I am different, but I just want to be in peace with myself, with the chronic pain, with the fact that people and I don't work together. I'm not charming or young. I'm just venting into the nothingness. + +I isolated more and more when I got negative feedback. It's too late now. Everybody struggles, I don't understand basic things. I just want the current crisis to be over. Don't want to improve myself. Or to function. + +I want to breathe and sleep without fear until shit really hits the fan and we'll all break together and apart. Sometimes it feels like too much to ask. I want to believe that I matter, not because of someone else. It's not going to happen.",Personality disorder +50712,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +51227,has anyone tried rejection therapy? ive been hearing a lot about rejection therapy and it sounds like a great idea for people in general to do but especially for those of us with avpd. the thing is the thought of me trying it makes me nauseous... like id rather die than torture myself like that. im wondering if anyone in this sub has tried it out and how did it go? did it help?,Personality disorder +51482,"Avpd, Adhd, anxiety, being an adult. Me again having another midlife crisis? I can't function in life. I have adhd and may have a bunch of other problems so I don't know if it's related to avpd or not. + +I forgot to take my thyroid hormone two days straight and I also didn't buy my antidepressants for some stupid reason. When I finally went to buy them, they were out of stock. So yesterday I was super sad and vulnerable and also feeling physically drained like was going to pass out. Then came the anxiety and crying. + +Today, thanks to my mom, I bought my life numbing drugs (after being scolded like a kid), and I'm having another melt down. I don't know who I am anymore. Am I this mess of a person or is it the drugs? When I'm ok am I really ok? I feel so incompetent, so stupid, so weak. I can't take care of myself. My house is messy even though I try every single day to make it beautiful, I have no job (and zero courage or motivation to get one), no independence. I feel so scared of everything, of being alone in the end, and dying alone. And knowing my life depends on me taking the thyroid hormones doesn't help. + +I need people so much but I'm terrified to reach out and be rejected. I'm afraid my husband will leave me even though he is super caring and loving. I'm afraid once people see the black hole in my chest they'll run away. I shouldn't need another human being like this since I'm in my 30s already. + +Don't even know where I'm going with this post. I just feel like life is incredibly hard for me but only in my head. I have it easy and I'm struggling to survive and maybe it'll always be like this because of avpd....?",Personality disorder +51036,"life discoveries For many people, i believe the following is true: + +your would-be favorite food and favorite drink is out there yet to be discovered. + +there is a hobby/activity/sport which you have never tried which would become your favorite if you did + +A person exists somewhere who would be your best possible friend if you met + +There is a place which would be your favorite place to visit or favorite place to live. + +&#x200B; + +Its so important to try as many things as possible, even for an avoidant. You dont know what you are missing - literally.",Personality disorder +50848,"Conversations Anybody else feel like they don’t have the natural ability to have good conversations? + +Whenever I’m having a conversation with strangers, I’m often pretty quiet and I don’t know what to say (unless it’s work related or something I’m really familiar with). I think this is normal with society anxiety though + +But whenever I have conversations with a group of people I’m comfortable with, like my family, I feel like I suck at having conversations. If it’s about a topic I don’t care about, I always zone out or stare at out the window. If it’s about a topic I’m interested in, it’s so hard to wait my turn to talk. I feel so impatient to wait my turn (I can wait but it stresses me out and it’s hard to jump in sometimes). It feels like I’m going to forget what I was going to say or they’ll change the topic before I can talk. And then when I talk, I feel like people don’t really care about what I have to say. My family always talks over me or focus on what the person said before me. They never remember what I say either in the future compared to what my siblings say. It feels like a chore to have conversations, sometimes it’s just easier to stay quiet and fade into the background. + +Anybody relate",Personality disorder +51473,"Tired of needing “Communication Skills” to survive in this world. As someone with a speech impediment (Childhood Apraxia of Speech) and (currently undiagnosed) AVPD, along with selective mutism, It’s frustrating that this whole society seems to be based off social interaction. I’m almost 18 and realized that I should be looking for a (temporary) job by then so I’m not a complete failure living in their parents house (no offense to anyone who does, I set high standards for myself.) I see everyone else around my age and younger getting the easiest jobs where they literally just have to sit at a cash register all day and they get some good money. It’s frustrating me to my core as I can never get an easy job like them as I can’t handle social interaction or talking. I try to look for alternative jobs but every single one of them pops up with “Requires excellent communication skills” or “Verbal communication required.” Even working as a stocker or in a kitchen apparently requires communication! For the life of me I can not communicate well with people as I automatically freeze up and go into panic mode inside. Even at the small school I volunteer at I can barely even force out a word, I just do my job silently before leaving. They probably are only letting me help out of pity. I even considered being a police officer for a while until I realized that you needed communication for that too. I’m more fucking scared of talking to people then of tackling down murders. Today my girlfriend was looking for tutoring jobs and I just cried seeing how easy it is for her and everyone else not having to even care about social interaction. I hate living in this world that’s built around people who can talk.",Personality disorder +50989,"Is it even worth it? Like is it worth living in a life full of fear, avoidance and all that in the end? I mean there is no cure really isn’t it? At least I personally can’t see myself living like this forever tbh",Personality disorder +51238,Can we please hear some success stories? Y'all have got to share them.,Personality disorder +51182,"Getting used to loneliness I feel like before I really longed to be part of the group. I longed to have someone who would choose me over the others. I longed to be someone, just like anyone else. But, somehow nowadays I don't really want that anymore. I'm just so used to being alone in the group, alone at work and anywhere else, that I just prefer to be alone. It feels like a burden to be a part of something. I prefer to do my thing in the group, like at work, but I don't want to get mentally attached to anyone. I don't know if it's a survival mechanism to protect my own mental health or if it's just because I'm tired of trying to belong to somewhere. Maybe I have just accepted who I am and what will never be. + +Does anyone else feel the same? I don't mean this to be a negative post as I don't feel sad about this. I'm just stating how things are and I've somehow made peace with it. Maybe in the future it can make me feel sad, but not atm anyways.",Personality disorder +51752,Focusing on a positive Someone called me cute this morning and now I'm having ice cream for breakfast. I hope this vibe sticks for the rest of the day. Just wanted to share this in hopes that it makes someone smile.,Personality disorder +51282,"My boyfriend broke up with me I'm diagnosed with AvPD and BPD, and my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. + +I'm 18 and up until about 6 months ago I was convinced I was completely unlovable. I didn't come from such a great home, and I was bullied for all of elementary school. All I've been told, for all my life, is that I am worthless, ugly, disgusting and just a horrible person. But then I met a guy that made me feel loved, like I deserved to be loved, for the first time in my life. + +We dated for 6 months, then he broke up with me, because I have a personality disorder. I never told him I'm diagnosed with AvPD and BPD, because even though he told me he would always love me, I was afraid that if he knew about my disorders he'd break up with me. Turns out I was right. Because I finally decided to tell him about a week ago, 2 days later he texted me and basically said that he wants to end this. He said he didn't want to be together with someone with borderline. I asked if I did something wrong, but he said he just didn't want the ""drama"". + +I know I didn't do anything wrong, I never did anything to hurt him. But just because I've been through shit he doesn't want to love me. The rational part of me knows he's being an asshole, but the BPD/AvPD part of me wants me to think that *I'm* the asshole. Was he right not to love me? Am I really that horrible? + +I don't know what to do. I feel completely worthless, no one will ever love me and I shouldn't ever leave my house again. I deserve this. I don't want to do this anymore.",Personality disorder +51839,"Is there anyone else here who checks off all of the boxes for AvPD but can’t ever get officially diagnosed with it because your case just isn’t bad enough? I’m fairly certain I have avpd and have had so for the majority of my life. Like I have almost all of the symptoms down the the horrible childhood trauma that I experienced that started my downfall. Avpd is the only condition that I’ve been able to match up to down to a tee. I’ve went to therapy and discussed my issues, but it doesn’t seem like avpd is something I can ever officially get diagnosed with. + +While I’m fairly certain I have avpd, my case is more mild because it doesn’t completely shut down my life. I would consider myself with high functioning avpd. Since I was young, I’ve always been lonely and had to figure out life out on my own since I didn’t have my parents or a loving family to grow up with. As a result, out of necessity I had to be financially independent and look after myself. Working and going to college was a never an issue for me. Because of that I’ve been able to give myself a good career and more or less have an ok life. My avpd is most severe in my personal daily life away from work. It’s a daily struggle for me. I also match all of the social symptoms of avpd and live a life of loneliness because I can’t get myself out to meet people regularly. Can anyone else relate?",Personality disorder +51411,"Friend Wants to take me to Strip Club I'm a 32 yo male. Never really had much experience with women, and all attempts have ended in catastrophe. I mean, I've officially thrown in the towel. + +My friend is insistent on taking me to a strip club and I'm worried. I feel a lot of dread and anxiety about it. He keeps saying things like ""you're not feeling anxiety, that's anticipation."" + +I'm going to end up going because I don't want to disappoint, especially because he's paying, but I'm curious. If any of you have been to a strip club what was your experience like?",Personality disorder +51166,"is there a way to tell if you have AVPD? I (20 m) found out about this disorder recently and relate to it so much. I resonate way more with AVPD than I ever had with autism (diagnosed at 13) I'm not saying that I'm not autistic, but I think I could have this too?",Personality disorder +51353,"Does anyone else feel this constant feeling of guilt and shame? Sometimes for no apparent reason, I just feel constantly guilty and ashamed of myself, idek why it’s just a constant feeling in my chest",Personality disorder +50893,"Do therapists even understand AVPD? I generally like my therapist. I think he's the best one I've found so far. But today's session just proved that he doesn't understand. And I admit that my inability to open up is a barrier to make much progress. But I heard the same generic advice....go out. Meet people. Do something fun. And that's not BAD advice. Probably should do that. But the problem is, every time I go out, I feel anxious, self-conscious, and ashamed. I don't even think I have social anxiety. Shy but not on that level. I can handle BRIEF, infrequent, surface level conversations. Anything more than that is a no-go. So I seem more outgoing than I am. And it's like he focuses on my lack of relationships so that's what I bring up. I think it's because he's a solution-focused therapist, and he doesn't seem too concerned about the past/understanding one's self. Just do it pretty much. CBT. Opposite of feeling action. Which is all true. But honestly, I isolate because I'm depressed. Which is why I don't maintain relationships or want to put myself out there. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what my problem is. I'm just over it. Older, seasoned avpd-ers if that's a thing, any advice for me? Should I stick therapy out or just forget it? He's like the 3rd long-term ish therapist I've been with, and I don't want to dump him out the blue like all the rest.",Personality disorder +50835,Internet addiction Anyone addicted to the internet like more then the rest of the world? Do you use it as coping mechanism?,Personality disorder +50662,"How to deal with in-person avoidance? Hi dear community! + +I have a question, my partner has AVPD. We have been dating for some months. + +And I noticed that when he’s going through an anxiety “episode” or moment. He sort of physically avoids me. + +For example if he feels embarrassed, or has low self esteem particularly high that moment. He will “hide” behind his laptop, or walk behind or in front of me, distancing himself physically, while still being kind, it’s more of a way of hiding from me, when he can’t actually leave. (For example when we share a hotel room on vacation) + +I did notice that when I grab his hand to hold mine while walking, that he does reciprocate(even when he tried to walk behind me or further away from me) but I’m not sure if he does it to please me but dislikes it, or if he likes it that I’m gently being reassuring and consistent. + + +My dear Avpd-Ers- when feeling low, do you like being comforted, or do you truly want someone to take distance and leave you alone? I just want to learn how to handle the situation so he feels comfortable! + +Thanks everyone !!",Personality disorder +51801,"I’m worried I’m second choice I met a guy on a trip two years ago. He told mutual friends that he liked me, and he asked them not to tell me, but they did. When he found out that I knew, he cut off all contact with me. Two months later, he and his girlfriend broke up. I have to admit that before he was single, I'd look at his TikToks a lot. I never liked or commented on it; I'd just watch the videos. + +A few days before he and his girlfriend broke up, I noticed that my TikToks would go up. I had 3 followers, but whenever I'd watch his videos, a few hours later, my TikTok views would rise. I even tried doing it on certain days; eg. I'd watch his videos one day, watch it two days later, then the day after, and each time I saw them, my views went up, and on the days that I didn't watch them, they stayed the same. This continued for the better part of a year. Last year, it was still frequent, but less so. Now, it's every two or three weeks that we do this. One time, he even posted a TikTok in English (English isn't his first language, and all of his previous videos were in his native language). + +TikTok wasn't the only platform he was looking at me on. He would do it on Twitter too. One time, I retweeted a picture of a Star Wars character. Less than an hour later, he posted a meme of that same character. The meme was in English, and it's not that I want to say that the meme wasn't funny, but it was obvious that he posted it just to post it. There's been at least three other instances where he did something similar. + +However, twice he did things that tickled me funny. About six months after they broke up, he started following her on TikTok, but unfollowed her within a few hours (probably because she didn’t follow him back). A month later, one of his ex's close friends posted a TikTok video with his ex in it. He started following this friend. Around eight months of this going on, he made his Instagram and TikTok private. I have no idea why. But I can tell he still looks at my TikTok, because TikTok tells who looks at your profile. I don’t post much, and he looks at it every two to three days.",Personality disorder +51192,"Thanks for being the community I never dreamt to have + +so yesterday I had a therapy session, and the therapist asked why i think i have no friends. + +i answered i have interests that few share, where i live as i live in a small city, so it is hard to have friends or form relations based on interests. also, i have no interest in sports and that is the common interest where i live + +i told him i am part of many online communities, but i just lurk as i feel that i don't belong enough to participate in these communities even if they are based on my interests + +at that moment i remembered reddit and this community, and i felt that i already have a community where i can freely be who i am without fear + +When I joined reddit it was for something tech related, then i said why not searching for avoidant and i was expecting nothing but to my surprise i found this sub, and it was unbelievable as it is hard to find anything related to avoidant + +i was new to reddit and navigating it, but i was happy as i found people like me. + +as i kept browsing, i started to get related more and more to your posts. I felt a connection to you, and i realized i am not alone anymore. + +Knowing i am not alone anymore, is one of the greatest things anyone can ask for, it meant i have People who can understand me and my struggle and what i am going through. + +People who can understand me and i can understand them. + +People with who i can share whatever i want, knowing they will understand me and won't judge me + +in this community,i don't hesitate or feel shy to share anything with you + +from sharing memes to asking questions and seeking help and advice + +here, I share my problems and secrets that no one knows, including my family. + +I finally found a home here and family + +this community really seems like an oasis in the desert + +I have more to say about this community but i want to keep this post short as possible. + +i feel blessed that i found you and being part of this community + +i just wish I could meet you or some of you in the real world + +and to newcomers welcome abroad. in one way or another, you aren't alone anymore.",Personality disorder +51072,,Personality disorder +51044,"I am really, truly screwed this time My parents have decided to stop paying for my food, in the middle of a catatonic depression. I’m scared for myself. I woke up today finally having had enough with starving. I was on my way to the store, for the first time in a month (I’ve only been running low about a week tho), when I got this text from my dad: + +“Do not spend any money at all this week. Rent is coming out and there is ONLY enough in there for the payment. Unfortunately, you have gone through the remainder of the ‘borrowed money’ from the loans I took out. And you didn’t get a rent discount this year because you filled out the renewal too late. You will have to ask for permission before any new expenses for us to move money into the account.” + +I’m backed so far into a corner. I am just defeated. I have no food left, I have no money, and I can’t bear the judgement. It feels like I’ve already lost everything, now they’ve even taken *my food?* I can’t do anything about it in this mental state. They don’t even know I’ve already failed out of my semester and can’t leave my apartment. And my parents are insane. Legitimately delusional and abusive human beings. I mean I’m crazy, but these folks? Who starves their mentally ill son because ‘there’s not enough money’ and then flies to Vegas for the weekend for a vacation? I hate myself but even I don’t deserve this. + +The isolation, judgement, and control I live under is unimaginable. There’s nothing metaphorical about it, it is torture. + + +Edit: I’m doing alright, got some help from a friend for this week. Looking into my options.",Personality disorder +51542,"I wish I could be assigned a friend or partner so I had someone to share my life with Mostly I wish I could just skip all the scary beginning stuff of getting to know someone. I like having friends but I’m terrified of trying to make new ones. I like socializing but only when it’s not terrifying. I’ve never been in a relationship but it seems nice to have someone to be there for you at the end of the day. I only have my family but they all have their own lives and their own immediate families. I just wish that I had someone outside of my family. I wish I had someone that liked similar things and that I could go do stuff with or someone to eat dinner with most days. I just wish I wasn’t so scared of trying to get the things that I want. + +It feels like a pity party kind of night. ☹️",Personality disorder +51127,"Ever been so down you feel like happy music is mocking you personally? My dad used to play the song: December, 1963 (Oh What a Night!) in the car all the time and we’d sing along to it. It’s very peppy and old-timey, about this guy having a wonderful night on his date with a woman. + +I remember even as a small child I’d have thoughts like: “Oh, what a night! That I’ll never get to have,” because I considered myself a freak of nature even then.",Personality disorder +51149,"AVPD - and RHONJ I feel dumb about this + +I enjoy watching some of the Bravo “Real Housewives…” shows with my wife. However - I find watching the RHONJ makes me anxious. + +Most of the RH shows are based on confrontation. But RHONJ is the most confrontational. + +As a man with AvPD - when I see the husbands on that show just about fistfight in confrontation - I feel anxious and “less-than”. + +I know mist of it is staged - but it always leaves me questioning my own manhood. I’ve always been conflict avoidant in fight situation. + +Yet - I’m drawn to viewing RH with the hope maybe the guys reactions in that show will help validate my own feelings. + +I know it’s weird and silly - and this is probably the only place in the world where I can vent this. + +Tx.",Personality disorder +51256,Tomorrow is my first day in group therapy wish me luck!,Personality disorder +51207,"Are you guys compulsive spenders? I've looked at my analytics over the past 2 years, from the day I marked down as all the shit starting and I couldn't believe it. + +I don't even want to give the sum here, because I'm ashamed. But it's a lot. And the point is, I've been receiving money from my n-parents as an allowance, I didn't even have a job, I didn't even go to school, I could save it, spend it on whatever I want. + +I don't even want to leave my house anymore right now...",Personality disorder +51800,"Is anybody mainly scared of simply being perceived? Like I don’t really care if they think I’m dumb or even *like* me at this point in my life… but something about knowing people see me is terrifying. Eye contact is the absolute worst because it’s 100 percent focus. I always try to look people in the eyes but HAVE to look away within a second otherwise I feel like they’ll hate me. I’m 24M and it’s waaaay worse with women, I feel like I’m invading their space just looking anywhere near them to the point I don’t even know what their face looks like after an interaction. + +When my best friend of 10 years comes over to watch a movie I will not glance in their direction the entire time and stay on my side of the couch. But I can converse just fine and not overthink my words at all. I also feel like I have tunnel vision when im in grocery stores and if I go to a restaurant I will be stiffly hunched over my plate staring at the wall the entire time. I just realized being blind would be kinda awesome and probably take away like 90 percent of my stressors. Okay this got way out of hand im baked goodnight and if you’re reading this I love you",Personality disorder +51301,,Personality disorder +51174,Don't want to live like this I'm bullied and treated like I'm subhuman everywhere I go. I don't think it'd be possible for me to improve myself and change how I am. I'm subhuman and that's not going to change anytime soon. I think about suicide everyday and I hate myself beyond measure.,Personality disorder +51642,"What is your eye color? I know, nothing related to AvPD, just curious. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10hyt3u)",Personality disorder +51854,"did a bunch of dxm yesterday and I realized that the reason I'm like this is that I've viewed other people as threats my whole life. Ever since I was little I've implicitly assumed that other people want to hurt me until and unless I have incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. I have no idea why I'm like this. It sounds like something someone who was abused would write, but I wasn't. My parents were nice and caring. I just came out wrong somehow lmao. I had nothing to be afraid of and yet I was terrified of everything :(",Personality disorder +51507,"My first day at the job It was awful, I hated it and I am so afraid of going in there again.. + + I don't want to go much into details but the whole day I kept forgetting every fucking thing I was told. I kept zoning out, asking a lot of questions (a lot of times the same kind of questions again and again), being slow because how much I was overwhelmed. I kept telling myself that I am giving it my best, it's my first day and no one should expect me being immediately perfect in this but it didn't really help. I needed to do a lot of multitasking, to keep my eye on multiple things but it seemed that I just couldn't focus. + + In the end I felt extremely inferior to all my co-workers. Whenever some of them would remind me that I was forgetting something/doing something wrong/etc I felt so attacked, crushed, judged... +At some point I even nearly cried but I could suppress it. + + God, I hate this shit. I am aware that 99% of those thoughts I have are completely inadequate and irrational, I am certain that they were just trying to help and guide me, since I am new in there. But why doesn't it help with feeling less worthless..",Personality disorder +51649,"I wanted to be different. So, when I was younger, I knew perfectly well that my family had issues, the only thing was that I thought that it was normal. I looked at my parent's divorce, how poor my parents both were, my mother's constant struggles with drugs, mental health, jobs, and relationships and figured that there were more kids at school who's parents also divorced, so what makes mine any different? + +I kept going through life, made basically no friends, and in the fifth grade I moved parents. I switched from living with my mother to living with my father. +It was strange as both parents had very different parenting styles. + +My mother was more uninvolved due to her relationships, mental health, and other issues. On the other hand, my father is very authoritarian and often wasn't home as he spent his entire day at his office. + + I don't want to keep going on about the messes that happened in my life because I feel like I'm just complaining at this point. I just wish my family cared more. + +It's strange to think that after all the signs I showed, my family did nothing. They didn't stop and think something was wrong because they were so focused on everything else. And after everything I did to try and help my family members too, it's like they never considered that I was hurting too. + +When my brother's depression led him to be hospitalized, why would nobody think that hurt me? +Or when my dad lost his grandfather and he couldn't hold himself together? I comforted him while my brother (though given his condition I don't blame him) remained distant. + +There's plenty more, too much that I did that someone else should have done. Children shouldn't have to be adults because their parents are too busy or naive to do it themselves. + +I know I'm not giving much detail given some of the things I've mentioned, so, I'm sorry for that, I'm just not ready to share those things yet. + +I want nothing more than to leave my relatives behind and never look back, because all I can remember is how they failed me, and how I actually believed that they were good people until someone finally got close enough to me to see how bad my life was. I still can't believe someone had to tell me these weren't normal and that I did have bad parents. + +I grew up not knowing that these bad things were actually bad. I thought it was normal, and maybe to some degree they are normal, but definitely not all of it. Because I thought how I felt was normal and because when I did try to speak up I was invalidated by those relatives who had also gone through something. + +Just because I could hide my pain better than them didn't mean they were hurting worse than I was, but it sure made them feel that way. + +I wanted so badly to be different than everyone else because of this. I saw people who were hurting, who thought that I was normal, so I didn't want to end up like them. If what I was was normal, then I promised myself I would watch the mistakes my relatives made and not copy them. + + I would be someone different, someone people would like because I ""had it all together/under control"". But I didn't, I was just hiding. I wanted so badly to be someone special, because maybe then I would feel wanted or accepted. + + And now because of that, it hurts me deeply when people say my condition is normal. I just can't bring myself to believe that this is normal, that ""everyone"" feels like this. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. That's why I hid, because if I did try to show people that I was hurting, then they would just brush me off and invalidate me again. + +I wanted to be special, and now to some degree I guess I am, but I don't even know if I want to be. + +Without this condition why would anyone care about me? But with this condition it wouldn't matter if they did anyway, I'll have so much trouble just trying to accept that someone actually wants to be near me for some reason. + +Of everything that I want, I want just a few things. +I want to move far away from my family and never see them again so I don't have to be reminded of my past. I want to be a better person who's past doesn't define them, that way I can be myself and be okay around other people. And lastly, if I can get those other two things, then I want to be in a relationship with nice woman, someone who will support me and understand that I'm not always going to be okay, but I'll still try my best to support her. Of course there's more to a relationship than that, but having someone who can be empathetic with me is definitely something I'm looking for. + + +Well, that's it for now. I want to apologize for this being so long and uncoordinated. I hope this doesn't make anyone feel bad, I know there's a bunch of negative things in this and I'm sorry about that. + +I really hope y'all are doing well. ❤️",Personality disorder +50788,"This is really getting out of control I feel exhausted from the constant voices in my head and my heart racing during social situations. I feel like everything I do, could have been done better, and that I am inadequate. My avoidance is getting worse to the point where I am unable to do anything at all. As a medical student, I chose to study this major without truly understanding the challenges that would come with it. Now, during my clinical rotations, every encounter with each patient feels like a nightmare. I constantly feel judged, and I fear harsh criticism is always one step away from being directed at me. This constant mental battle leaves me with no room to use the knowledge that I have worked so hard to achieve. + I am always reserved and quiet, and I do not act on anything until I know there is no other option, fearing that I will be blamed for my incompetence. However, this has backfired on me, as I struggle to form connections and networks, losing out on many opportunities in my field that could improve my social and financial status. Gradually, people have started to label me as arrogant or irresponsible, which makes me feel hopeless. +What can I do to sustain balance, at least in my mind? In addition to this, I am lonely, and the effect on my already-damaged mental health is apparent. +Last year, I met a group of people with whom I shared similar interests. Socializing with them was enjoyable, and I felt liked. But, in my efforts to get closer to them and belong to the friend group, I ended up stressing over whether I was making them uncomfortable, whether I had anything interesting to say, and whether they looked down on me. The gut-wrenching anxiety became too much to bear, and I ended up quitting. I limited my texts and stopped going to meetings. Though I am still in contact with them on social media, I see how new people have joined the group, formed close friendships, and I continue to feel like a familiar stranger to all of them. +I am preparing myself to accept the lack of romantic intimacy in my life. Though I have always been indifferent about relationships, sometimes I think that I am going to miss out on so many ordinary but enjoyable experiences in life. There were guys who took an interest in me because I had this ""mysterious aura"" around me, but after a few more dates, I was still the same person they met on the first day. I had nothing more to offer other than shallow and unimportant conversations. Every time I wanted to go deeper, I felt exposed and vulnerable like prey. So, it's definitive for me that I have to completely abandon this part of my life and move on. +I'm sorry if I went on for too long or sounded negative, but I really needed to share my thoughts and emotions with those who can understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.",Personality disorder +51479,"Do you guys ever wonder why you couldn’t have just had a normal life like everyone else? My life was normal until my father died at 7 and my mom left at 9. I experienced childhood trauma, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and neglect by the people that raised me. Not only that, I come from a strict religious immigrant family so along with all those issues, I was never allowed to leave the house much. My family also never went out and did anything and they also never showed me any love or affection. + +This was my life growing up until I finally moved out at 22. I’ve since been doing better for myself as I’ve graduated college and have a career now. But the damage was so severe that I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover. My upbringing made me lonely that I never had many friends. Verbal abuse made me mute and unable to talk back so I can’t talk with cluttering. I do not have much confidence or self esteem. I still do this day don’t have many friends or much of a social life. I also have a hard time dating and at 28 still have not hooked up with a girl outside is kissing and making out. + +I look at my life and the look at everyone else. They all had loving caring parents, siblings to play with, and grew up with all the love and compassion in the world. They have many friends, they have boyfriends, they have girlfriends, they don’t have speech issues, etc. They just seem to be able to live life normally unlike me. + +I did nothing wrong to deserve the things that happened to me as a kid as all of it out of out my control. But sometimes I ask myself, why me? Just why? I was given only one life on this planet, why did my life go like this? Why does everyone else get love and compassion while I got nothing but misery?",Personality disorder +51425,"Felt Not Good Enough I was going to go to a meet up group that eats different food around the city and then I canceled. I was so excited and hopeful about making friends, but then I realized how since I got divorced I look so much older and so much chubbier.... I felt I would be able to sense by their reaction to me that I am not good enough and I don't belong. + +So I canceled. I feel sad about it. Also I never have money and I had a little extra cash so this is one of the few times I was going to be able to afford this group. +I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel sad and silly.",Personality disorder +51429,"my friend (bpd) really exhausts me. i dont think i even wanna be their friend anymore :’) im sick of always being wrong no matter what i do and am expected to know what i did wrong. im tired of constant arguments and always feeling like a shitty human being in the end when i dont even know what i did. im just sick of being misunderstood and never given a chance to explain, and my friend knows im avoidant but doesnt seem to fucking care how i feel anymore + +things were great at first. happy fun friendship lalala and then they became really clingy and wanted to be my favorite. i felt happy at first at the idea because wowww someone really likes me that much?!?!!!! + +then they would always wanna be better than my friends, call, and shower me with compliments. it was sweet and flattering at first.. then, we got into some confusing relationship thing. they never clearly defined what it even was. i was too afraid to back out. it got overwhelming. and eventually i found myself distancing away. + +i was really confused about it all. they explained things terribly. i never knew what exactly they wanted, it was never clear. what i did wrong, what we were, their intentions, anything. they seemed to expect me to know it all but fucking hell i really dont i cant read into things so easily. maybe im flat out stupid + +i told them about avpd and such and they understood and were really nice and understanding at first. then, more arguments, accusations, guilt tripping. + +i get it i was also a shithead in this situation i think + +the guilt tripping, manipulation, expectations, them acting like a victim, im really drained. ive apologized over and over and cried often and its fucked me up + +i know im not perfect but i try my best to be kind and always have good intentions and i tell them that and oh my god they dont get it at all + +theyre a genuinely nice person and i know that. im just so tired of the anger, i cant take it + +no offense to those who have bpd. this person in particular has no self awareness or anything. and i guess they totally just blew off my avpd and just shit on me and it really hurts",Personality disorder +50664,"Expressing myself I feel like I’ve had a realization in the last few months that I wanted to share. It’s that one of the ways forward with this disability for me is to learn how to honestly express myself without distortion, and to do that constantly without regard for the fact that it causes me pain and discomfort. + + I used to cope with my issues by putting on a mask of a personality that I built using self help books and a desperate need for approval. Basically just the ‘fake it til you make it strategy’. Although I became more conventionally likable, it truly did not help in the long run as I was never able to get close to people. Now I am back to an ultimately isolated life. But I’m trying something different. + +It’s very challenging to me and not always doable but I think it is necessary. And that is to view socializing as a simple and honest expression of myself between others. When I have a thought or opinion or feeling, say it, put it out there in some way (for better or worse). Also, treat what others say as true expression of their being. This may sound silly but I think it is a subtle seeming thing that is actually big deal. + +As I said it’s challenging and not always doable, this is because +1. A deeply negative emotional and sometimes physical reaction to the idea of expressing most things in my mind for fear of embarrassment or rejection. +2. My brain going blank due to weariness and therefor not having anything to express. +3. The fact that isolation makes me depressed and lonely so the things on my mind can bring the vibe down. + +But regardless I realize that this is what I have to do, and that watching myself mindfully and purely expressing what’s on my mind is the only way forward. Usually what happens when I force something out is that I brace for impact. Brace for embarrassment, rejection, etc. Usually I assume that people are secretly embarrassed for me for whatever I said, but whether or not that is true isn’t important. + +I’ve been trying a lot of tools of expression such as music, writing, and drawing, and I think these are helping me learn how to express myself naturally. + +Anyway, I’m tired of pretending. Im not sure if I will ever be able to speak without fear and shame, but at least I won’t have to strain myself into a ‘safe’ caricature. Maybe this seems like crazy person thoughts but I hope someone relates or understands.",Personality disorder +51132,"has avpd destroyed my ""personality""? Of course personality has its meaning in avpd but when I said personality the second time I mean a person as in the things they like to do or what they talk about + +I've always been avoidant and I think it's rooted in multiple harsh rejections between age 5 and 12. I've come out with 0 interests to talk about besides drawing, and 0 drawings to show because I don't want to show anyone. I don't show anyone anything and I don't tell them anything unless that conversation territory was already stepped into. Have any others experienced that where they're uncomfortable telling people about their interests that they end up with none at all? Or secret interests? For me I have a secret interest but I still can't get myself to talk about it with other people interested in it. It's like we start talking and I have no idea what to tell them. My brain is so messed up that it just blocks out every subject that is slightly attached to my inner self, leaving stuff like weather, other people, whatever they already said :( ofc those conversations degrade quickly...I end up having no further input fast.",Personality disorder +51185,"claustrophobia attacks Can anyone relate to this (no advice please)? So I don't live alone, I live a single family member that sometimes has their boyfriend over. I also do work part time in retail which is all I can currently handle. Our schedules usually allow me enough time alone even if I want more of it. Summer is a lot better for me because I can comfortably go outside in spaces where I'll be just as alone so it's extremely rare that I have these attacks during it. To get to the point there are some weeks in Winter that are a perfect storm for AVPD. Our schedules will clash where they'll be home every single moment I am for almost a week on end. For the first 3-4 days I'll get a bit more irritable but handle things + and still do ordinary things that involve other people hearing me like music or watching youtube videos and keep up with people well enough online. Though it starts to snowball on 5 usually. The way it comes on is almost like a physical illness. I suddenly feel extremely on edge in the background, I'll start not listening/watching anything and avoiding doing anything outside my room, hypervigilance shoots through the roof, my mood begins to swing like a pendulum, really snappy, and in general human.exe stops working. I won't even be able to really handle having Discord open. Usually comes with tension aches too in my body here and there. If I even have to go out and get the mail I become a mental train wreck, I won't be able to handle being outside even if no one else is out without being on the edge of a panic attack. just going into a different room becomes an anxiety ridden chore. Going to work as you can imagine as I must force my way through it is an absolute nightmare as you might expect. The anxiety and irritability completely socially cripples me to add to the embarrassment so I go through the usual motions like an NPC to the best of my ability and use that break time very strategically based on how time usually feels there. If I'm lucky I'll loosen up a bit much later at night enough to watch some youtube or enjoy some quieter music. The only way I found to cheat it which costs a little money unfortunately is to order takeout food later (for some reason home cooked food doesn't work? I guess it's because I have to do that here with them around) and have my usual comfort ritual of watching some youtube as I eat hoping someone is streaming something I like. After that I may feel alone enough somehow to enjoy some music and mindlessly fart around on the internet. Since the only factor is that it just involves someone elses comfort food they made for me I have no idea why this works. + +It's impossible for this to go on more than a week cause schedules break it up after a week and give me back that time but it can take me a day on my own completely to recover. I noticed this specific family member being home with me too long is the trigger though I don't know if it's just them or others that can trigger these episodes too. It's as if I become to opposite world nightmare version of myself because normally despite my AVPD and CPTSD I'm much more positive and bubbly in personality. As long as I'm (self) medicated correctly and have just enough space I tend to do ok socially. I feel more like a wounded extrovert than anything since I desire close connections but at the same time I avoid everything that would lead to any being formed because I feel closed in on very quickly. There's a lot of tug of war that goes on with me internally like this.",Personality disorder +51329,"sometimes I feel like avpd is my entire identity I have to find a way to overcome this, because it's not working. I feel like my identity in this world is shy, introverted, loner. When I try to break the mold of both what I and other people view me as, I lowkey have an identity crisis. + +I think this is why I keep sabotaging my efforts to change, because I feel like avpd and being a sad sack of trauma is my identity and my place in this world.",Personality disorder +51430,"Autism and AvPD crossover? Hi, so I'm diagnosed with autism, and years ago (about 14) I was diagnosed with social anxiety as well. I recently found out about AvPD and I feel like I relate to the majority of symptoms I've found. + +I checked on the autism subreddit about this, but i found someone arguing that you can't diagnose people with autism and AvPD because it's so hard to tell. Which confused me. + +I'm currently 17, turning 18 in September. I attend a sixth form college, but that is literally the only place I go. I have no remaining friends, even though I really want close friends, and people have tried to make friends with me. I really avoid making friends though, bc I feel so awkward and uncomfortable and trying to interact with people makes me so tired that I can't cope with it. But its a constant struggle between feeling so lonely and really not wanting to talk to anyone. I can't tell if this is specifically just autism or maybe AvPD, because I find a lot of autistic people don't actually avoid making friends, rather just struggle to. + +I can't go anywhere by myself, I've never been to a shop alone before because of who I could have to speak to or if anything went wrong. I feel sick at the idea of actually approaching people or speaking in a group. I can rarely text, I can't make phone calls and I don't like going out, so I lose friends pretty quick, because I essentially ghost them, even when I don't mean to. This is one of the main reasons I don't want to make new friends, because I know I'm not a great friend. In the future, I plan on doing a job either part time or from home because I can't cope with interacting with people. At school, in my free periods, I can't even stand sitting in the same room as others, especially if they're talking. And I can't eat in front of others. I feel like I'm on show. + +These don't apply to my parents or my older sister. If I'm with them, these are easier. + +Originally I thought it was just being autistic, or social anxiety or agoraphobia maybe. But then I found out about AvPD. + +It definitely could just be autism. But I feel so isolated and lonely, but I dont want to be around anybody, and I can't bare the thought of this being my entire life without any chance of it getting better. + +Could anyone maybe just tell me if you have any similar experiences or advice? I'm just not sure what to do.",Personality disorder +51337,"therapy with avpd — does it even work? i’ve been in and out of therapy since i was 13. that’s half my life. i’ve seen psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counsellors; i’ve been through CBT, DBT, goal focused therapy, grief therapy. i’ve been on so many medications. i’ve never been (allowed myself to become) unstable enough to be hospitalized, and i’ve been able to be the bare minimum functional and composed enough to fly under the radar of more intense interventions. + +when it comes to therapy i have a severe problem with trusting my therapists, failing to disclose what i really need help with, struggling to express my true thoughts, worrying excessively about judgement and criticism, and leaving therapy after the initial hope of “this one will be what helps” dies out (likely because of aforementioned problems). in march 2020 i was diagnosed with bpd but for reasons (it was march 2020) i never got it addressed, but now that i have insurance that covers most of the cost of sessions, i want to try again. i’m paying some out of my own pocket too and i don’t know if it’s even worth it due to my history with therapy — i sent in a general inquiry to a private office close to me and they referred me to a male therapist, which terrifies me as i’ve only had female therapists before, and who uses a different approach (psychodynamic therapy), which is again — fucking terrifying. + +i want to ghost and just not do this so badly and i’m just fighting against myself, arranging two (2) emails is exhausting and fucking nerve-wracking, and i don’t even know if this is going to go anywhere. i don’t even know if im asking for advice or just venting, but thanks for reading anyway",Personality disorder +51109,"I'm grieving a three day long situationship worse than people leaving a three year long relationship I have BPD, and two and a half years ago, I met a guy on a trip. We only hung out fro three days, but our conversations were so interesting. We spoke about politics, education, etc. He told people he liked me. I was so excited that he liked me. Usually I don't take big leaps like this, but since we live in different countries, I went up and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and he cut off all contact with me. They broke up two months later, and I'm 75% sure he's been stalking my social media since then, but he hasn't reached out to me. + +I know it's been a long time, but I miss him so much. I miss him. And I cry about him everyday. I need him. I just feel like I'm stuck in this pit of despair. And I've tried to change. I've dated other guys. There's another guy that I like way more, and I know he likes me too. But there's still a part of me that misses the vacation guy. I don't know why I feel so stuck.",Personality disorder +50758,"Fuck it I'm starting benzos on Tuesday. My brother had shit withdrawals from them and almost died, but according to him, you don't give a shit on them and actually function like a normal, non-mentally-ill person.",Personality disorder +51699,"Those extrovert specimens who take pride in publicly pointing out that I've been silent throughout the party deserve a special place in hell Congratulations on making this invaluable observation. You have successfully made it even more awkward for me now. + +And these creatures exist in every f***ing party.",Personality disorder +50942,"I dont see a point in getting better anymore or ""healing"" Honestly what is the point Im so sick of people going on about how much they wish they didn't miss out on things when they were younger, I, just don't, care, anymore, I spent a whole 6 monthes bulling myself to do things out of existential fear and I'm so exhausted I want to do nothing ever again I'm so tired, what is even the point, If you get ""better"" your just going to be left as nothing but a empty shell, or worse you'll become one of ""THEM"" I just want to have my joker moment, completely self destruct and then die",Personality disorder +51082,"Idk if this fits here, but I just decided to share this, they treat me nicely, but it just seems so, fake, to me Idk, I used to have an ok outlook on life + +I now just see things, such as 2025, as unreachable, out of reach",Personality disorder +51226,"The rare occasion where I decide to speak up, I end up saying something stupid and retreat back into my comfort zone Frustratingly it takes time for me to get back out. I keep thinking how dumb it was for me to even bother trying when I should’ve stayed quiet like usual. It’s annoying because when it comes to social situations, I pretty much never forget things so I can end up dwelling on things a lot.",Personality disorder +51213,"I am no longer afraid of ghosts since I get AVPD I went out to throw garbage in the middle of the night today, it was dark outside, and there was no one there, and I was not scared at all. I might have been scared in the past, but now I hope that some ghost will appear to accompany me, because I really Is it too afraid of humans and too lonely, is there the same?",Personality disorder +51055,"I'm too patient with my parents for their own good She doesn't deserve to ask for a hug and especially not in the right to pretty much force it on me while she says she's ""just stressed"" after yelling in my face because I made a minor mistake. Then complains about how neither me nor my dad give her affection. If she and I can agree the man she married is horrible, then she should be able to look in the mirror and recognize what she sees too, but no, coz she's ""better than him"". + +I'm only ever patient with her and when she happens to see what i did isn't to perfection, I'm just degraded in the angriest and loudest manner possible and reminded for how i keep making mistakes. Then there's my dad who is an emotionally and verbally abusive misogynistic narcissist whom i just tolerate because anytime i say something I'm deemed too young to know anything or too serious. + +Even though I silenty seeth with anger everytime they put me down, everytime that anger and resentment fades away, I still go back to craving the love I want from them and loving them the ways I know I can that they will accept. They're very fortunate to have as good of a daughter as I am and they don't even realize it. Why do I have to live with this repeated mistreatment for being human :(",Personality disorder +50937,"Becoming indifferent about relationships I haven’t been around anyone outside of my family in two weeks, and I’m really content with it. For the first time in a while, I don’t feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness because there’s nothing to compare myself to. I don’t have to worry about being asked about myself or being expected to be social. I like it this way. I don’t know what this means though. + +I’m dreading having to go back to class next week because everything I want to avoid comes back. I’m tired of the pressure that my lack of social skills and low self esteem brings. No one’s looking at me and judging. I’m not constantly thinking I look awkward and shifting in my chair to look as normal as possible. I can breathe…for once. No default answers to questions. No fake laughs. Just me. I know I can’t stay in this shell forever…but I like it here.",Personality disorder +51062,"How do you make peace with the idea of never dating/falling in love? As a 28M, whose never been in a relationship before, I don’t see myself really learning or understanding how to date/be a good partner, on the level of women who are my age. + +For others in this situation, how do you cope? I’ve thrown myself at my career as an addiction counselor, guitar, poetry, working out, boxing, but a bit of a void is still there. What else can I do to stop feeling like I’m missing out?",Personality disorder +51592,"Trying to wrap my head around all of this, hear me out if you will :) So I'm 50 M diagnosed (adult) with high functioning autism. I have been lurking the schizoid community for some time because I have so much in common with the guys who post over there. Mostly, it's the anhedonia that really strikes a chord with me. + +The prevailing attitude over at r/schizoid seems to be this cavalier stance that loneliness is just a preference. Well, I take issue with this. Myself, I've been isolating on and off so much since even before puberty. Sure, it kind of feels good to not have to spend cognitive energy on social stuff. But loneliness is taking a toll on me. My brain operates on ""use it or lose it"", and I feel that now more than ever. Especially since covid-19. + +The more I isolate, which is something I can do day to day without sacrificing too much in the short run, the less high functioning I become. I guess I substitute beer, vidyas and parasocially engaging on YouTube for the real thing. It's kind of working, but I really miss intimacy and that human connection. I feel like I'm ever so slowly spiraling into insanity. :/",Personality disorder +50793,"So tired of everything I am so goddamn tired of everything. + + I am not looking forward to anything, have no goals..just a low-paid job that I don't really like. I guess I can be proud that I got one in the first place, despite how horribly painful that was to get used to it and my thoughts about quitting it after first week. + But honestly, other than that, I have no clue why I am doing all this. I mean, everything..going to job, eating, trying to do something..living. I am so tired I barely drag my body to work or practically anywhere. + About my job..I got more or less used to it but I still feel like my co-workers hate me. It's my avpd brain acting up, again. Goddamn pesky little thing. They're nice to me but this irrational part of me wins every time + Every day is a misery and I am so tired.. + I always tell myself that I have to go forward and don't stop but by now I am not sure why or where I am going. Feels like I am just aimlessly wandering around in the darkness with no clue whatsoever",Personality disorder +51420,"Who else can't let go? Of anything. Of something that you told yourself, that turned out to be wrong, of something someone did. Maybe once. Maybe multiple times. Maybe ALL the time. Of the way you saw life for everyone around you. That on top of the first two. + +Who else just can't let go of someone. Or something. Or many people and many things.",Personality disorder +50819,"I can’t look at Reddit anymore There’s always someone being rejected, and when they show hatred for them, I feel hated as well.",Personality disorder +50880,"I took public transit today. After not being able to step foot out of the house without my ex driving me, I finally was able to step up and go on public transit by myself. + +It’s been 2 years since I’ve taken the bus. I honestly did not know what I was doing- but I asked the drivers for help and directions as to which bus to get on next etc etc… + +Social anxiety was at an all time high and still is, writing this on the way home. So many people are on this bus and the only thing I’m thinking about is “when do I get home” and “why are they looking at me”. + +Realistically they’re looking at me because people have eyes and observe what’s in front of them, and scolding myself that they don’t have hidden agendas is helping lol. + +For anyone who hasn’t been able to take public transit because of this stupid fucking difficult disorder, I sympathize. It gets easier. + +Don’t have much to say, just wanted to share bc this is a massive achievement for me.",Personality disorder +51636,"I can't handle being in a Barbers. I normally just buzz it all off and then let it grow long and then buzz it all off. This time I got a hair cut what requires me to go in to the barbers every couple of weeks. I normally go 3 times a year max because it's mentally exhausting in every way. my hair is so annoying I have a cow flick and a double crown so it looks funky asf when growing out, so I kinda just neglect my appearance because I just don't want to go through going to a Barbers.. I neglect all the appointments I have regarding doctors and disability benefits. This disorder bleeds into every nook and cranny of my life, it doesn't discriminate lmao.. I wanna die 😬.",Personality disorder +50834,"as to not be a burden, i will now isolate myself. you are welcome! recently I've been distancing from my friend because I needed some space. but after a while, I noticed they seem... happier without me. like, actually laughing and smiling more, they even started talking to a very cool person. and they even talk to other ppl in the group more often. so now I'm kinda isolating myself because well... i just want them to be happy. if being absent from their life is what will make them happier, ill do that. seems like I'm just a toxic person that drains everyone around them.",Personality disorder +50845,"Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls +This is a throwaway account. People on social media always say I’m trying to get attention but wtf is wrong with that? I don’t know for sure if I have avpd but I think I do I can’t pay for therapy I live with my mom and I hate her I’m 18 can’t drive alone I always get in crashes or get a ticket sometimes I speed because I’m mad at my uncle. I have a job but I dropped out of school because I don’t care and I have so much trauma from everything in my childhood. And anyway nothing matters now except being famous that’s all I want I just have no idea why in real life I avoid people but online I have a girlfriend and I’m obsessed with her it scares me sometimes because I can’t stop thinking about her and if she broke up with me I don’t think I could take it I’ve only met her once in real life but it doesn’t matter I talk to her all the time but the most important thing is that she talks to me and she’s obsessed with me so I need her. I think I deserve to be famous more than anyone else because I’ve been through so much and also I feel like I’m better than most people something about me is different and I’m special . Can someone dm me to talk more about this? I need to know why I want to be famous and how can I get famous? Also is it possible to have avpd and want to be famous?",Personality disorder +50985,"My brain just goes blank even if I want to engage I don't know if this is an AvPD thing or not, but does anybody else here mostly don't speak as much during conversations because your brain just goes completely blank? I frequently find myself at conversations (most of them tbh) where I **want** to talk and engage but I just don't know what to respond at all. I catch myself saying a lot of ""mmm"", ""yeah"", ""it's true"", ""I agree"" but not something... substancial, you know? Sometimes I even repeat words just to use more time like ""yeah, yeah"". + +Meanwhile, when I observe the way other people talk is like they always have something to say, some comment to make or something to keep the conversation going, and it seems so natural for them. I always get afraid that people will like other people more because they can offer more during a conversation than I can, and honestly I think this has been proven true over time. + +Some time ago I created a personal ""system"" to help me ""fill up silences"" and some of the things I set myself to do at these moments where: **1. just think out loud without filtering so much** (I read somewhere that one of the differences between extroverts and introverts is that the first ones sometimes ""think with their mouths"" while introverts think first, then decide if it's worth sharing - and for us with AvPD and/or SAD we mostly decide it is not -) and **2. look for a subject connection, even if it's minimal, then be like ""this reminds me of..."" and keep going about it**. + +When I observe other people interacting I can see them using these a lot (naturally; I feel like a robot because I had to sit down and actually think to came up with these and have to make an effort to put them in practice) but even with this system, I'm still having problems because, like I said, a lot of times I simply can't think of anything. I don't know if this is some kind of freeze response to the ""danger"" of socialization or if my brain is just socially dumb lol.",Personality disorder +51487,"Is anyone else full of love but unable to express it? Does anyone else really love and care for those around you but feel physically incapable of expressing it? Not just verbally but by interacting with them at all. I'll go to family events and think how much I love everyone there but am too anxious to join in on talking to people. I feel like people think I don't like them when that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm so uncomfortable and embarrassed by expressing affection itself too. It's like there's this block in my head that prevents me from getting the words out. + +This is why I know I'd be incapable of a romantic relationship (never had one). These things are a crucial part of them but I'm incapable of doing them.",Personality disorder +51830,"Longtime lurker with AvPD just wanting to vent about the fantasy of disappearing and starting a different life Using my alt throwaway because reasons. Recently I’ve been having a hard time, and although I have deeply caring and wonderful people in my life, I still isolate and as much as I crave time with others I get tired so easily after a short while. Also grew up with cluster B parents and family which doomed me to some kind of mental problems. + +Lately I’ve begun to think about the idea of just leaving. Disappearing, no trace. Not suicide. I’m not suicidal at all, I mean leaving, going somewhere I’m not known, changing all my details, and completely starting over. I can’t help but feel it would make no difference to anyone, in fact it might even be better. + +I’ve googled step by step ‘how to’s ’ on it. + +I’m hoping to be able to talk to others who have been in this dark of a place and what got you through - or any advice. + +Because this is mostly just a fantasy, but the idea is sticking in my head more than I’d like it to. I don’t actually want to go through with it. I think … + +*Edit for clarity, what got you through the mental state if you’ve felt this way, not advice on disappearing. Oops!😳",Personality disorder +51577,"rejection this is kind of a stupid, petty thing to talk about but honestly, i just wanna get this off my chest. + +i have a friend, we've been friends for like, 5 years already and we've basically grown up together. we were both sort of socially withdrawn so all we had were one another, and so we'd talk everyday, all day. + +i remember this one time we had a conversation where they told me that they tend to ghost people and slowly pull back when they feel as if talking to someone starts to feel draining, or they just don't like the person anymore. + +lately, they've been pulling away, like replying less and less, and just ignoring me for the entire day. though, sometimes they'd stay and have a full conversation with me, but it's kind of rare and i get the feeling that they do it only to ""keep me there"", like to ensure my stay... kind of like a push and pull. + +it's not like they don't have time either. sometimes when we'd have a half conversation, they'd always, and i say always, talk about how they're connecting with someone, how they had fun with someone new, all this passionate stuff, and it just stings a bit. by a bit, i mean a lot. i know i'm not entitled to their time by any means but like, i just feel like i've been hit by a truck. i know they're purposely ignoring me, i know they're losing interest in me, i even get the feeling that we're growing out of one another. + +i'm just wondering... what about me isn't enough that's worthy of their time? am i not interesting enough? am i boring? i don't know. oh well, shit happens i suppose. i'm trying to fight the urge to isolate myself for half a year because i keep feeling rejected by them.",Personality disorder +51362,Does anyone else struggle with internet addiction? Have you found anything to help with it Because of my avoidance and social anxiety I’ve used the internet more and more to scroll instagram and reddit and just waste time. It’s like being social without any of the stress of socializing. But it’s not good for my mental health long term and worsens my ocd. Anyone found any tricks or tips to get off of it. It sucks cause socializing irl is obviously the best solution but that’s not that easy with avoidance and anxiety,Personality disorder +51650,,Personality disorder +51317,"How do you feel about becoming a parent while having AvPD? I'm going through a horrible situation with my reproductive health. Until the point of having to get treatment for conceiving and all ,as my tests are showing I don't have much time left for postponing getting pregnant. The thing is that at 25 my recently diagnosed avpd has destroyed me. Even though, I have a career ,I'm financially stable and got to organize my life a bit. I don't have quality of life. I'm so anxious I can't even function worried about what the neighbors around my apartment might think of me. I still leave the house for going to work but sometimes I'm so freaking exhausted I cannot take care of myself. And I can't stop but wonder if becoming a parent would be a good idea for me or if it will be better to forget about it as I seem to be a person who doesn't fit into the scheme of a good parent. + +I used to dreamed about having babies back when i was younger but now i think that would be the most egotistical decision i could ever take,specially for a child that didn't ask to be born or have a trashy parent like me who cannot even go to the supermarket alone.",Personality disorder +51073,"AvPD among AvPDs Do you feel that you'll be alienated even here, among people that have ""same feelings""? ""I bet they hate it, so I won't post anything"", ""I can't figure out how to make a good comment, so if I do, they'll think I'm stupid"", ""Should I show same reaction, to fit it"", ""I'm not diagnosed, so I think my experience isn't worth of sharing"". + +Hiding your TRUE SELF even here. Same society, same rules, same reaction.",Personality disorder +51755,"i'm starting to realize that i'll probably never be able to truely connect with anyone i guess i have multiple friends, but i've only ever thought of 2 of them as ""close friends."" the rest i don't really talk to a lot. but i try so hard to connect with them and get closer to them, but it just feels weird and forced and i can clearly tell that it's unreciprocated. it just makes me want to give up. + +and now i'm starting to realize that with even one of my closest friends, we may not even actually be as close as i thought we were. we rarely if ever talk and when we do it's usually just short convos or in a group chat, and i'm always the one that has to initiate conversations. i think i'm lucky if i ever get to have one genuine conversation with them once a month. it just kinda hurts to think about i guess. + +why can't i connect with people? why is it so difficult? all of my life i've avoided people and just wanted to do my own thing and the moment i try building meaningful connections with people they all fail.",Personality disorder +50896,"Am I a piece of shit or what? I mean, I've never been diagnosed cause I'm afraid of going to the psychiatrist and discovering I'm a real shit, but this days I was doing a personality check from Twitter just for the joke, and the result (avpd) came so close home I felt offended. +I grew up always walking behind my group of friends. I could never do anything apart from others. In any social situation it has always been my role to be the child in the corner or the one following the parents. +It doesn't help my father is a controlling sexist. I've never slept out my own house, never dated someone openly (afraid he would beat me up), never visited my friends houses (I don't even know if I can call them friends). +I'm nerdy but not smart. I always got high grades in school, but I never liked being complimented on it because I thought most of my grades came from the cheating sheets I made to remember the subjects before the exams. +If I have to talk with someone for anything, I have a script in my head I have to follow to ensure I'm not saying anything idiot. +After graduating from school, I fell for my relative's advice and did not leave my hometown, preferring to go to college in the neighboring city and work with that relative. Well, we had a fight and I had to quit uni cuz I was fired. +I couldn't muster up the strength to deliver resumes in my city due to sheer shyness. +Five years have passed since then. I'm almost 23 years old. I'm just a high school graduate. No professional course taken, no money in hand, living with my parents...I still don't want to hand out resumes, I don't want to get in touch with people... I long for physical contact, but I don't have the courage to get close to anyone... +So, to you guys who suffer from avpd, how do you cope with this shit? How do you guys have strength to work? + +(Sorry, my thoughts were all over the place while I was writing, so please forgive me if it sounds confusing.",Personality disorder +50671,,Personality disorder +50965,"I’m so desperately lonely I want more than anything to have connections and close friends but at the same time I’m scared of anyone getting to know me. + +I get so remorseful of the fact know one really knows me or gotten to know me properly and I’ve never felt like I could be my full self around anyone, and it’s all my own fault. + +I feel like I’m not good enough to have friends or acquaintances, whenever people talk to me or give me the time of day I feel like they’re just doing it out of pity or they’re just talking to me so they can laugh at me to feel better about themselves.",Personality disorder +51541,"Idk but now I’m moving to a place I never been to. I lived in a place with very expensive rent. I tried living with my family but basically over the last two days everything fell apart. Some of it is technically my fault but more AvPD. I tried living in supported housing but always had a roommate who wouldn’t let me sleep. Almost got into having my own room but it fell apart before that. + +This is pretty much crazy but hopefully it will work out. I’m on disability so I’m trying to live somewhere I can get a cheap apartment. It’s possible I can get a job to make the budget issues easier. For living in unhealthy situations I couldn’t hold down a job. I’m at least hoping that’s the reason. + +Things with my family we’re ok before but after Covid there was like an explosion of bad luck going around. Somehow I was used as a scapegoat. Basically scared but also my life was going in a vicious cycle. I had to change something major.",Personality disorder +51340,Those that smoke or vape. Does it help/hurt? Cigarette smoke I find gross but some of these new vape things smell quite nice and fruity and I'm somewhat intrigued about it. Just wondering if anyone does it and whether it's helped or hurt their ability to cope with this curse.,Personality disorder +51549,"My life is wasting away while everyone is building a good future for themselves. It seems like everyone I know is set for their future. My two best friends are currently studying in big reputable schools studying chemical engineering and business, something that will help them achieve great goals in the future. While I'm here rotting away in my house doing the same thing everyday because I'm to fucked up in the head to go to school and finish high school. I'm afraid everyone would move on with their lives and I'd have to deop out of school and repeat again. I would be graduating at 20 when I should have been graduating at 18. It would be completely ok if I was rich, but I'm not. I can't afford to slack all day and do nothing, but my pathetic brain stops me from doing anyhting. + +Before my country adopted the k-12 curriculum, everyone graduated at 16, goes to college/uni for 4 years, and graduated at 20. Now I'm barely graduating at 19 years old. It feels like everyone I know is gonna be rich and successful in the future and I'm just gonna be here rotting my life away.",Personality disorder +50861,"I wish I never existed I feel like my whole existence is a failure. +I want to connect but I can‘t. I‘ve always been way too boring for others. It‘s been a bit hard lately. + +The only people I ever really connected with are people that are supposed to be authority figures (therapist and a teacher). So they kind of have to put up with me. I mean, my +therapist gets paid to talk to people. Besides that, he probably has hundreds of other clients. He‘ll probably be glad if I left, one less complicated issue to take care of. If I left, he and no one else would remember me anyways. But I honestly don‘t want to be forgotten. It hurts. + +I‘ve never spent time with people in my childhood. I was the weird gay kid, the f word. The one that gets picked last in PE class and has always been shorter and weaker than other guys. We once visited my cousins when I was very young. My father got along so much better with my cousins, who are all more boyish than I was. I was quiet and boring. My mother told me her dream +was to be a grandmother. Why else would anyone want a child? She definitely didn‘t win in the lottery because I‘m as gay as they come. + +I almost never spend time with my family, I was too young to remember my actual first holiday. It has always been just my +room and I. How am I not supposed to be hurt that the only people I enjoy talking to are people I will never spend time with outside of their job? It feels so unfair. I wish I could end it all sometimes but I don‘t want anyone to find my corpse, probably traumatizing them. + +Once again I‘m probably only doing this because deep down I want pity. But this is my only emotional outlet right now.",Personality disorder +51828,"Quality over quantity - Friendships I know people with AvPD struggle to maintain friendships and I do too. + +For me, I think it's the daily (or at least frequent) messaging to stay in touch that I struggle with. I will get tired and ignore messages just because I don't have the capacity to engage with a subject that I frankly probably don't care much about or I'm just worn out by the constant interaction. The messaging for the sake of messaging gets to me. + +if it's a friend that lived far away then I'd rather not speak for 6 months and then just meet up and have a good time before reverting back to usual which for me is far less exhausting and fortunately I do have a couple that are like that. + +Anyone relate?",Personality disorder +51834,"as to not be a burden, i will now isolate myself. you are welcome! recently I've been distancing from my friend because I needed some space. but after a while, I noticed they seem... happier without me. like, actually laughing and smiling more, they even started talking to a very cool person. and they even talk to other ppl in the group more often. so now I'm kinda isolating myself because well... i just want them to be happy. if being absent from their life is what will make them happier, ill do that. seems like I'm just a toxic person that drains everyone around them.",Personality disorder +51351,Hope u have a great weekend😊Left a link to a treat enjoy❤️ https://youtu.be/6Wk7XDrsWyY,Personality disorder +51089,"Looking for some good vibes Hello everyone, I am writing this because I've been reading posts on this sub for the past week, since I've learned about AvPD from my new therapist and researching about this disorder, as I believe I also suffer from it and have a curiosity from you people. + +Unfortunately, not to make anyone feel bad about it, as I know this condition is very hard to live with, but I have been trying to look for some success stories from people here, or maybe just some nuggets of hope from people that have managed to peacefully live this life. + +So my question for you, especially maybe for the older people here with the condition,or the ones that have managed to get married or with any other kind of ""success"", no matter how small, what is your outlook on life? What advice do you have regarding managing this condition? + +Although I've also had a rough couple of days, I'd like to believe that not all is bleak and that getting access to good stories from people similar to you can certainly help. + +Please share anything you'd like that might help me and others on this sub.",Personality disorder +51235,"Trying hard not to push everyone away I’ve found myself in more groups in school this semester, and it’s really starting to affect me. Since I have to talk to my classmates, it’s hard not to become acquaintances with some of them. But now, I feel like I’m in too deep and need to retreat. I want to shut everyone out to protect myself. + +I know it’s stupid because they aren’t mean to me or make me feel bad, it’s just in my head. My mind tells me that they don’t really care for me…they just have to talk to me. What is that? Why can’t I just believe that people can like me as a person? Constantly having to battle my negative thoughts about myself to keep from shutting down on everyone. This is so dumb…and I feel really self centered for thinking this way.",Personality disorder +51822,"Did not even want to say hi to me I have an online friend and they really wanted me to meet their friend. I was hesitant but they told me that they’re nice so I joined their little discord server (literally had like 5 people total with me) with the intentions of maybe sending a message or two and never again. But their friend didn’t even want to say hi to me. Like my friend told him to say hi and he literally just said “no” . This happened a few days ago and I’m like really upset about it. He barely even knows anything about me. + +I talked to my friend today and they said that they think he is just jealous that i’m sort of close with them. But I’m still really really hurt and upset about. I feel like I’m not even deserving of being acknowledged or spoken to.",Personality disorder +51004,"Therapist concerns I want to give this therapist more of a chance and I'm tired of looking. The one I had previously was too casual and kept directing the conversation towards family drama rather than focusing on me. The therapist I have now talks a lot, often feeling like a motivational speaker. It seems like a lot of her advice boils down to ""just do it,"" which isn't always a negative, but I'm not looking for simple actions to take, which is important, but CBT can be extremely disappointing. I'm interested in delving deep into my psyche, but she doesn't seem as curious as I'd prefer. She doesn't ask enough questions and seems to assume a lot about me as if my concerns are simply general concerns, with general roots behind them. She talks specifically about surface problems, but vaguely regarding experiences and the reasons for problems in this life. I know that we all share a lot of the same feelings and experiences, but that's not what I'm interested in emphasizing, and to be honest, it doesn't make me feel better. I already know other people feel similarly to me, I already know that, but I also know that everyone's experience is different. People go to these pages to feel less alone, and it does help slightly, but that's not enough. I don't care to hear that I'm normal, it just feels minimizing. I want to connect with people but feel utterly incapable of doing so, even when I put myself out there and have conversations, I feel like I'm not really there talking to them, and they're not seeing me. My therapist wouldn't even see the AVPD, she thinks I just have depression. I don't know what to do, I'm scared to open up to her about my concerns, I don't know how I would do that. CBT is helpful in that it gives people practical ways to help themselves and take control of their lives, like taking small steps, for example. But, it's not enough for me.",Personality disorder +51190,"Hey here are some thoughts of mine I believe some or all of you could relate to for your next therapy visit.. AVPD In summary So I feel.. + +Sexually compulsive + +I feel energy drained.. stress accumulated leading to failure + +Stress about just anything in general.. too much of it + +Difficult to have own opinion, I doubt if I even agree on the way that I feel or think about a certain topic at times. I believe this stems from stress + +Depressed.. sometimes I just feel like all the light and life has been sucked out of me at random times. Occurs usually when I’m around people, and gives me a feeling of desolation like I am emotionally alone in my own world + +I want to finish this with a little bit of food for thought, of what I have come to a conclusion is what doubt has done in your life and mine + +Guys think of any moment you’ve felt doubt.. remove moments of doubt which you can be sure of where the doubt came from like at school while taking a test. Now every other moment where the reason for the stress feels out there in the galaxy, that’s where I strongly feel stress inhibits us and we don’t even bat an eye and question it. But why question why you are stressed.. isn’t this just part of who I am? I should learn to live with it.. it’s so difficult to live this way, we are so intermingled with stress that it just becomes a part of us and sadly we stop seeing it this way for whatever reason we have, but doubt lives upstairs from us, casting a cloud over us every time it kicks and stomps over our thoughts and our ambitions into what feels like uncaring mundanity..",Personality disorder +50829,,Personality disorder +51606,"I hate that people think that it is my fault that I am like this I didn’t choose this, I didn’t choose to be scared of people, I didn’t choose to be avoidant and have stupid anxieties in social settings. + +The thing that people think that I am like this by choice hurts me even more. It’s like I had a choice at the start of my life to and I chose to have serious mental illnesses. + +I didn’t choose this, just environment where I lived caused me this. + +People don’t really tell me this, but the way they behave around me is obvious that they think that I it is my choice.",Personality disorder +51400,"Reaching out for connection Hey guys ! +I'm a 24F and I'm very lonely these days. Ive been going back and forth on wether I should post this but here goes ! + +I recently lost someone who I thought was a friend, he wasn't. +Anyways we used to call each other and watch movies thru the phone or TV shows. Sometimes also smoke weed while we watched. + +My question is, do any of you have a desire to do this with me ? +I work long hours outside and then my bf does band practice so I'm alone a lot during the weekends or evenings. + +Obviously I know this post begging for human connection is sad but feel free to reach out my DMS are open 🙂",Personality disorder +51443,"People usually feel very highly of me at first And when I see this I always wonder how long it’ll take them to feel disappointed in me and that I am completely different than what they thought about me. + +From experience it usually takes 1-2 weeks. + +I don’t know what vibes I give that some people just have this assumption that I must be some great person.",Personality disorder +51694,"How many people message you in an average day? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11yshfa)",Personality disorder +51241,"Fatherlessness is what messed me up. It wasn't that my parents weren't married. + +But, relatively, my dad just wasn't there for me. + +It hurts. + +But, I will heal. + +I will deal with my anxiety. + +I will keep working on myself.",Personality disorder +51633,"I just want to be normal I just want to have friends and a girlfriend like a normal person. I have friends, but I cant relate to them, I feel very uncomfortable around them, I feel like they bully me, treat me badly and do stuff I find uncomfortable. I have two siblings that are able to function socially and have friends and lovers, it is too painful, I feel extreme envy, since I was a child I used to hang out with my brothers friends cause I was too socially inept to make my own, I am still that way I feel. I am filled with extreme suicidal pain everyday, I try to have some hope and carry on, and soothe myself, but the pain is so immense, and I am struggling to keep up the hope. It is horrific. + +:( How do you guys stay hopeful and optimistic, do you see any progress?",Personality disorder +50983,"There isn't a day that passed where i wish I didn't die sooner (27M) , my life so far is a huge disappointment, i have so many regrets , wasted my youth , got no job now , no friends, a virgin with erectile dysfunction due to meds. i dunno what am I doing being alive at this point. I knew few people who had their lives together but deaths took em outta nowhere, i feel I should be the one dead , that would have been a huge relief.",Personality disorder +51569,"Negative self-centeredness This applies to social anxiety disorder, and many other mental illnesses, but if the sense of self is so negative, it also creates a negative perception of other people, and applies it back onto oneself, as the center object, even if self-esteem is low and esteem for others is idealized. It's important to teach people to have positive self-esteem regardless of what other people, but also to challenge the perceptions of other people in the first place.",Personality disorder +51469,"I'm ashamed of myself. I met a girl online in November and we tried to hit it off. It was a sort of long distance relationship, since she lives about an hour's drive from me, not critical, but we don't have a car (neither of us) or days off to see eachother too often. In fact, we've never met. + +On new year's eve, she was attacked by a mutual acquaintance and she got bummed out and always kept apologizing when she thought she offended me. + +I felt so bad every time. I ""broke up"" a few days ago (I dont know if you can really call it a break up since we never even met yet) because I felt like garbage and I didn't want her to depend on me, since I don't even know what to do to take care of myself. + +I didn't even have the courage to hear her afterwards. I apologized in advance in my last message to her and archived and silenced her chat before she could even text me back. + +I... + +Pat me on the back pls...",Personality disorder +51125,,Personality disorder +51725,"I hate myself so much I met this guy on vacation, and we hung out for two days at the pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I'd known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like ""oh look your boyfriend's here"". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. I was bullied at school for being the quiet kid in class, and I would run to my parents, hoping they'd comfort me. But they'd get mad at me for being so quiet and they'd blame me too. I used to go up to my room at night and sing myself to sleep ""someday, my prince will come"". Now he was finally here. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got mad at our friends for telling me. + +He cut off contact with with me. I was so sad that the one person who saw me for the good I have to offer, still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I’m not angry at him for being loyal. I’m angry at him for thrusting me into this situation. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, but I was the one that suffered the greatest. He got to choose between two girls. His girlfriend is a victim too, but at least he tried to make things okay with her. And me? I had no intention of getting in the way of a relationship. I just thought I finally fell in love.",Personality disorder +51825,,Personality disorder +50713,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 3) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z17zj)",Personality disorder +50667,"How do you deal with making mistakes? Like breaking stuff that’s not yours, or forgetting to do something important. I’m a perfectionist and every time I screw up it kills my mood and sends me into a spiral of self loathing. Suicidal thoughts appear immediately. Can’t help but see myself as an anti-Midas, and that’s one thought that usually proves itself to be true. + +I just had a bit of a fuck up. Don’t care to go into detail about it, but moments like this are why avoidance makes sense. It never would’ve happened if I didn’t take the chance.",Personality disorder +51472,,Personality disorder +51003,"Emotions are determined by the reactions of others I've lost myself to the point where I feel like there's no meaning to being a part of society. Throughout history, human beings have been motivated by goals and aspirations, but I feel like I can no longer endure this way of living. The loss of my sense of self has left me feeling adrift, and without any direction or purpose.",Personality disorder +51230,,Personality disorder +51188,"Antidepressants To those of you who have tried antidepressants to mitigate this condition, did you find that they were helpful? + +If so, were there any brands in particular that worked well? I know this is highly individualistic but would like to know if certain ones worked better than others. + +It something that I have been putting off for a while now. However, Ive gotten to the point where it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to give them a shot but I never wanted to deal with all the side effects. + +Interested to hear your experience on this.",Personality disorder +51823,,Personality disorder +51327,"How did you get a therapist and/or an official diagnosis? I've decided to finally take action and try and get some kind of diagnosis so I'm not just relying on my internal monologue or the internet to deal with this thing. + +I tried therapy once in the past with a therapist who came highly recommended and it just didn't go great. After one too many ""what's the worst that could actually happen?"" questions, I just really felt like they didn't understand. This was before I had the term AVPD to explain. + +My question is this: How did you go about working with someone who actually understands the problem? + +My guess is I'm being a bit too in-my-head about this, but I just don't want to show up to a therapist like a hypochondriac who plugged their symptoms into WebMD and now is 100% sure of their condition. But I also get the impression AVPD isn't as common as some other personality disorders, so I want to find someone who will at least have familiarity with it. But nothing shows up when I search for therapists who specialize in it directly. Are there other umbrella terms that help when finding a therapist? Should I just focus on a depression/anxiety doc or maybe one who works with other PDs like BPD? Or am I way off base and plenty of therapists will understand and just had a bad match for my first go-around? + +Any suggestions or anecdotes for finding the right kind of help are welcome. Thanks in advance!",Personality disorder +50745,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkyz3)",Personality disorder +50976,"Discovering this AvPD has been a massive relief. Hoping to spread some positivity. + +I've spent so long thinking there's something wrong with me and constantly questioning why I can't just find things as easy as everyone else seems to do. Why I can't just be normal? Learning about social anxiety was a help but even then it was like ""It can't just be that though?"" and then thinking I must be autistic or have adhd in some regard but never really feeling like I fit into those things. + +To actually have a name for it and relate to so much of what people post on here, it's kind of a relief to know that there's some reason that I'm actually like this and just knowing that this is why. I won't use it as an excuse and I'm going to fight against its tendencies as much as I can, but I'm just glad that I finally understand now. + +I appreciate you all being here. ",Personality disorder +51791,"is it wrong of me? i am not diagnosed with avpd. i think i have it but i won’t say i have it. i’ve shown a lot of symptoms since childhood. i’m 18 and usually they diagnose people who are older so yea idk. + +i’ve posted on here several times and feel such a comfort with all the people who relate. i’ve lost friendships because of how i am. it’s so nice to feel understood and to connect with other people like me. + +i don’t know where else to go to vent, so i usually go here. all the people who comment really make me feel better since they get it.",Personality disorder +51147,"So, I just started taking medicine. Like I said, I'm just now getting medicine for this. I don't think I really needed medicine, but my therapist has been trying to get me on medication since last year. I finally agreed to it, and I took the first dose yesterday morning, and the second does this morning. + +I have noticed no changes yet, but he told me that it could take a while before anything really changes. All I've noticed is how paranoid I've been that they are giving me a placebo. I want to get the pills they gave me and open up the capsule just to see if there's anything in there, but if there is then is it medicine or sugar? Maybe it's just some sort of powder that doesn't actually do anything. + +What if they are giving me fake medicine? Are they trying to see if I can change just by believing some miracle pill will do something? It feels like they're trying to disprove my Avpd even though they were the ones to diagnose me. + +It didn't help that my therapist told me that he was excited to see what I look like when I'm medicated. What is that supposed to mean? I can't tell if he would just be excited to see me improve or if he is trying to test me somehow. + +I don't know. I think I'm thinking about this too much. Anyone have some advice? Kind words maybe? I'm going to keep taking the medication unless something bad happens, so don't worry about that part.",Personality disorder +51451,"Isolation 10 Years: Lonely and want Love Hello, this is my first time posting on here! I’m 26 (F) and have never been in a relationship. I have no friends. When I was in high school I had one friend but we parted and went separate ways. So the past couple years all I have been doing is listening to music with headphones on, playing games, watching films and daydreaming about love. I sometimes go out for walks in nature. I wish I could do fun stuff with someone one day. + +I recently came across someone who I’m interested in. We’ve talked and they seem nice. We have similar interests but I’m afraid of speaking up and telling them how I feel. It sucks having this because my negative self talk wins and I run away from people. Sigh, this is hard! :(",Personality disorder +50657,"Being a ghost would be my ideal form of existence. I really enjoy watching people live their lives, listening indirectly to their conversations while in public, being an observer of events etc. My problem is having to interfere on the world, I hate having to talk and to do things that will have consequences in it. I wish I could just watch life like a tv show or as if I was a ghost, in a way that no one could see me, nothing would be expected of me and I wouldn't need to worry because I would be certain of it. I could just contemplate the world in peace. + +Some of you guys may have watched Euphoria and I definitely feel a connection with the description made about Lexi, how she felt like she was an just observer and that her life was not really her life, just some sort of play or movie. + +These days I been having the classic ""I want to leave all behind and live in the woods with just a dog"" idea and daydreams, and I guess that a big part of it is because I feel like there I could be like this, or at least similar enough. Be an observer of nature, never having to deal with socialization again, only brief interactions for, let's say, buy necessary stuff from other people (which I don't mind). I know this isn't realistic for my context and also that it probably wouldn't be this magical thing, but it's a fantasy that brings me satisfaction. + +I guess I'm just burned out of people. A lot of bad things happened in my relational and social life since childhood till last year and I'm really bitter about it right now. Of course I want to find real connection, where I could be myself openly and comfortably, but because it always goes wrong and brings disappointments I'm really hopeless at this point and honestly kinda angry. I don't have patience for people anymore, I'm tired, I'm being judgy as hell and I'm activelly avoiding new people.",Personality disorder +51622,"Get angry because of noisy people, do you guys feel that? My cousins (14-16y) often come to my house, they are pretty noisy at night and i like to go to bed early, so it bothers me. I tell them to be quiet, but soon they are making a lot of noise again. Sometimes i went up to them and scold them, sometimes even calling them names, such was the anger. My mother says that I am not very understanding and very hard on them. I feel like I got a little bit of the avoidant trait from her personality. +I'm not diagnosed with AvPD, but i'm pretty sure that i have it. Idk if this reactive response to noise could be a CPTSD thing. In summary, i wanna now if this is a AvPD response. Anyone relate? + I hope that it's understandable, english isn't my frist language. :)",Personality disorder +51493,"Having avpd is Hell’s Kitchen but you’re both Gordon and a contestant 🤦🏻‍♂️ My inner critic sounds exactly like Gordon Ramsay screaming and throwing pots and pans down at people’s feet when I say something awkward + +Where’s my restaurant for all this effort?! Lmao",Personality disorder +51645,"It’s like I live in different world In country where I live, there were president elections and I didn’t even know about it until I went to someone I know and they asked me who I think will win president elections. It was already day after voting and they were just counting votes. I acted like I knew about it, but I didn’t. + +Like I don’t watch news or anything, so I am out of loop in lots of things that are happening and I don’t care much about politics honestly. + +I also can’t vote in this country, because I am a foreigner here, so that’s another thing why I don’t care about it much. But fk, the thing that president elections just slipped through without me even knowing about them, I found this to be ridiculous. Because it is always such a big event, how could I miss this? + +I also missed USA president elections (I am not USA citizen, I live in Europe). I learned that Biden is president 1.5 year later (sometime in 2022 summer) after he was elected. I still thought that Trump was president lol. + +I realized that I withdrawn from life too much, but it wasn’t even my choice. It was also because of COVID and that government forced us to just stay at home. I isolated myself from other people for almost 2 years, and now I am trying to go out again and trying to put my life back together.",Personality disorder +51651,"I'm So Sick of Thinking Someone Hates Me When They Don't Call Back This has been going on since I was a child. A friend or family member doesn't answer my call and after a half hour I start to worry that they don't care about me anymore. I'm an extremely logical person, but can't help following that sinking emotion that has me analyzing all these dooming scenarios that leaves me wondering if I said something that pissed them off or if they figured something out about our relationship and decided to move on. I know better, but have never been able to relieve myself. I guess I just cant help but to feed the worry over believing in myself and the people close to me.",Personality disorder +51334,Jealousy Do anyone else have trouble feeling happy for other ppl? Like I feel jealous usually but it don't feel good being unhappy all the time. I guess I shouldn't blame my self for this tho(I hope) bc there shouldn't be anything wrong with feeling but idk.,Personality disorder +51298,"what is your daily screen time? *please pick whichever option is closest to your daily average per week.* + +let me know in the comments if i should change the structure of the poll (add a 0-1 hour option, having 12-14 hour, etc.) mine is literally like 13 hours half the time, but i’m going to go ahead & assume you all are better than me lol. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/110vfs7)",Personality disorder +50869,,Personality disorder +51266,,Personality disorder +50726,"Appearance and AvPD It seems superficial almost but my severe acne is contributing a lot to my avoidant tendencies right now. I'm doing everything in my power to treat it: dermatologist, prescription acne cream, antibiotics, clean bedding, clean diet, daily showers, face wash etc. It just seems to get worse every day and it is some of the worst I've seen. I'm talking big red cysts. At this point I'm convinced my lithium is causing it. + +I was making decent progress too. I was going to groups and started volunteering to get out of my house and around people again. I'm trying to work up to going back to work. But I just can't bring myself to keep volunteering looking like this. If I go out of my comfort zone while constantly concerned about how I look and feeling gross I feel as though I'm doomed to fail. If my mental state begins to slip it triggers my hyperhidrosis and then I pretty much have to bail. + +I'm kind of just stuck in a period of regression after making some strides. I don't know what to do it just feels hopeless. Between severe cystic acne and hyperhidrosis it is so fucking difficult to put myself into social situations. It's much safer to just hide away and wait it out but each day that passes is another day I've lost.",Personality disorder +51068,"What is it like for me having APD? For me, having APD is like dying in slow motion. You just watch all these years go by, one after another, as you unwillingly stay alone and sabotage your relationship potential with others. It's like standing stationary on a train station platform, and just watching the trains of life pass you by, year after year, but you are too terrified to ever get into any of the trains. Anyone else feels the same? That's how I can describe it",Personality disorder +51799,"does anyone else keep making new Reddit accounts? I find myself abandoning Reddit accounts and making new ones every few weeks or so. I hate the fact that Reddit leaves a trail of evidence about me that I can't hide from people and make my comments and questions private. I hate the whole karma and upvotes/downvotes thing. I like Reddit for the simple fact that there are communities here for just about everything that I don't have access to otherwise. I also use Facebook groups but I have an account with a fake name and no information on the profile. If I have commented too much in a single group and people start recognizing me I usually change my name on Facebook. You are usually allowed to change your name on Facebook several times a year or so. + +I just hate the fact that I am seen and I have built a persona, either online or offline. I just wish I could be invisible or anonymous everywhere I went including online. I also hate people knowing what country I was born in because most people are from the United states and it makes me stand out so I try and use American terms and spellings as much as I can. I also have trauma from my home country and just mentioning that I am from there makes me anxious and I feel paranoid talking to people from my own country. I go back and edit comments constantly and I'm always deleting things. + +People automatically find this behavior shifty and I have been called out a few times and people always think I'm up to something.",Personality disorder +50656,"Anyone else have nothing in common with other people? When I see normal people constantly talk and have fun with it, I'm genuinely shocked. How the hell do they have something to talk about all the time?? How do they know what would be interesting to the person they talk to? + +It feels like I operate on lvl 1 of social skills, while everyone else is already on lvl 100. Nobody around me has the same lvl, so I can't even train to become stronger; doomed to lose every encounter.",Personality disorder +51852,"Do you have goals? I realised that I never really had (or was aware) of life goals or dreams I had. I think this is why I don't really feel like a person and so different from others. And why I never let anyone get close to me, otherwise they would realise how different I am and distance themselves. + +Do you have dreams and goals? Have you ever had them, maybe as kids?",Personality disorder +51135,,Personality disorder +50895,"does exposure therapy work for AvPD? Does exposure therapy or testing your fears work for AvPD? + +my therapist is pushing me into exposure therapy. I think I do have mild form of AvPD since it does effect me, i have anxiety issues and depression but it doesn't always keep me from doing something. I try to get around it most times but when I have to, i do it even though I feel anxious",Personality disorder +51290,"I wish they made a film centred around an avoidant character I’ve struggled to find any kind of media where the protagonist specifically struggles with avoidance. I really enjoyed Amelie and resonated a lot with the character, but feel that she could more easily be seen as struggling with ASD, or even just extreme shyness/ introversion. + +I don’t know about anyone else, but seeing characters I identify with in films or in novels brings me a lot of comfort. It kind of brings awareness to those traits and humanises people, and has the ability to shift the audience’s perspective on those issues. Maybe if we had more coverage in the mainstream we wouldn’t feel as defective or alien. + +I’d love seeing an avoidant main character and having people really understand how severe this disorder can be and how overlooked it is. It could be painful, and raw, showing how damaging isolation can be yet how there appears to be no alternative. But it could also have light moments, and laugh-out-loud moments, and show how people suffering with this disorder have light inside them despite everything. + +I also think it’s important that the character be shown to be relatively attractive, intelligent, good work ethic etc. I think a large part (and maybe the most tragic) of this PD is that we view ourselves as less than we are. Almost like we have conditioned ourselves to not value anything about us, even if that value is present. I think people should see how the issue is deep rooted, and it’s not as simple as improving things like wealth, appearance or even social skills. + +I’m curious what other people think would be important to include in a film centred on a character with AvPD + +Also, this song would definitely make an appearance imo + +https://youtu.be/wDLA5ZFQLbs",Personality disorder +51646,"Does anyone else here want a loving caring close relationship but at the same time just can’t get comfortable with the idea of being with someone else? I’m 28 and soon to be 29. Due to childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect, I grew very up lonely and to this day have never been in a relationship. I tried online dating and met a few people. Unfortunately no one panned out. While I’ll admit I wasn’t interested in any of them, I also just find myself feeling uncomfortable being with someone who knows your close personal life. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anyone my whole life. I’ve always been a loner and it’s been my comfort zone. + +I fantasize and would just love to have a partner who I can spend time with. But I have so little confidence and so worried about being judged that I just can’t put in the effort to start a serious relationship. I’m a weird loser with no friends and no hobbies, even if I have a good career and ok life otherwise. Being close with someone else makes me feel so uncomfortable. I also get exhausted by look at what it takes to maintain a relationship. I’m hoping I can get over this one day. Anyone else feel the same way?",Personality disorder +51315,"Entitled People I had a guy cut in front of me and another woman at the self checkout line today. It made me feel ashamed- as if I seemed weak or pathetic or maybe just a woman- and that’s why he felt entitled to just do that as if he was sure I wouldn’t say anything. And I didn’t because I guess I didn’t feel angry enough to care. Anyone else experience shit like this? Wondering if you’re sending “I’m a doormat” vibes. Because in reality I avoid relationships because I’m strong enough to know I’d never want to be walked all over but too guilty to get into relationships that are really about my desires and boundaries. If that makes sense. +I avoid because I know I’m too scared to own who I am but I’m unwilling to be with other people and be co-dependent. So I’m alone. Stuck needing to figure out having the strength to let myself find the people that genuinely meet my needs. + + +The funny thing about this though is that when my time came to checkout i still got out of the self checkout faster than him even though we had the same amount of stuff",Personality disorder +51214,"If someone whistles around you, does it mean they're judging you internally? I can't find anything on Google about this, but sometimes it feels like people are lowkey putting me down by whistling. It's very annoying.",Personality disorder +51461,"Are you a misanthrope? Just wondering, because my avoidance is, next to many reasons, a result of misanthropy. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10rp684)",Personality disorder +51274,"Have you ever guys ever wondered... [https://www.idrlabs.com/villain/test.php](https://www.idrlabs.com/villain/test.php) + +I'm curious how the other side of the coin looks in us.",Personality disorder +50727,"Respond to my text immediately or I'll think I said something wrong I never let the ppl I talk to know this. That would just be manipulative and rude, but even if we been texting for years, good friends, and have been in a nonstop convo the past 5 hours, my heart still races when they take longer than usual to respond. I think oh fuck, I said something wrong. I always say something wrong. I can't ever say anything right. I'm such a- + +Then they'll reply. I chide myself for being so silly. Then do the same thing 40 more times within the same conversation. You'd think being proven wrong so many times would fix it, but no. I always think, ""Ah, *this* is the time I fucked up. All the others were false alarms, but I've really done it now."" Rinse repeat.",Personality disorder +50771,"I recovered from AvPD. What will help others? I don’t believe in matters of mental health ever truly being 100% cured. + +Even though I still have some AvPD traits that I’m still working on, my therapist says I certainly no longer meet the diagnosis of AvPD. + +I’ve gone from being a textbook AvPD with such bad social anxiety I barely left the house an could barely order a cheeseburger. +All through school people called me “socially retarded” and my mom thought I was autistic. +To now being a very socially skilled, confident, outgoing person who makes friends easily. + +I’m curious if people are interested in some kind of a write up about how I’ve recovered from my AvPD, what helped me, how long it can take etc? + +I see a lot of people struggling and feeling hopeless on this board. +It breaks my heart when I see people truly believe that recovery is impossible (and spreading that false message). It is possible! It’s just really hard, uncomfortable, takes a lot of time and you have to really want it. + +Thoughts on whether a write up is something people would be receptive of? I’m also open to suggestions of what else could help. + +P.S. I feel vulnerable writing this post in fear that people will have an angry, skeptical reaction or think I’m being narcissistic. But I wanted to take the risk and reach out anyway, because I’m super passionate about recovery and I’d love to see the negative narrative about AvPD recovery start to change.",Personality disorder +51729,"The worst part is the lack of hope I’m always gonna be like this. Even with years of therapy and meds, even while on copious amounts of confidence enhancing and anxiety reducing drugs, I’m still too socially anxious and awkward. Sure I can force myself to socialise but I can’t force myself to enjoy it, or force myself to relax and just be myself. The fact that this shit isn’t getting any better no matter what I try is so demoralising, it makes everything else pointless, having severe avpd/social anxiety really does infect every little area of your life. I can’t hold a job, I can’t make friends, I haven’t talked to a girl in years, never mind having a relationship. My anxiety is so bad I get second hand anxiety watching people interact on a tv screen, or hearing others use voice chat in video games. + +And as I said, sure I could force myself to ‘get out there’ and maybe make friends or a gf, but I can’t force myself to enjoy being around them. I’d be constantly stressed out, tense, unable to relax. I’d have nothing in common with them, I only ever feel comfortable alone. Living with a brain like this is like torture, craving connections and feeling horribly lonely but being unable to actually make any connections or function in a social situation. I’m technically an adult but I have no independence, I still feel like a child, and I know for a fact that if I keep on going my future is nothing but boring, bleak and lonely. What’s the point of going to an awful, stressful job everyday if my days off are just as bad. My ‘hobbies’ are just escapism, I don’t even enjoy anything anymore, I’m just so tired, I really don’t see the point in going on when my brain is this fucked up and my future is inevitably empty and alone. I’m barely in my 20s but I’m certain I won’t make it to 30, it’s so crazy how fucked up i am, avpd is so awful, it robs you of a basic human need but still leaves you with the desire for it. A longing hunger that can never be sated, the empty void inside my only gets bigger, things are only getting worse. No heartbreak or feeling of loss, nothing to even look back on, there’s just nothing. There has always been nothing, my life is empty and always will be",Personality disorder +51517,"(Hope this is allowed) looking for friends Looking for sum1 to talk about like our feelings n shit and maybe one day flash bits of our despicable core. Idk could be pretty sweet i think. Ima drug addict with avpd so its kinda hard to do that irl. And dont worry about if u ghost me i get its not personal + +Edit:im 23 + +Edit 2: now im insecure that “flash bits” might be interpreted as sexually. I just meant like itd be cool to share things about self that might come with fears of rejection/hurting others.",Personality disorder +51783,"Need to vent. I have had a partner for 4 years. It’s a shock to me, as well. But we haven’t had the greatest past. To make a very long story short: When he started medical school (4 years ago, when we first started dating), he wasn’t that nice to me. Some might say he was abusive towards me, especially when he drank. Anyway, he used my avoidant personality as leverage to skew many details regarding our relationship. It turned everyone in his life against me. + +Now, my partner has sobered up. It took me a while to trust and accept this change. But the people in his life still haven’t let go of the past. And the truth is, neither have I. I’ve forgiven my partner but I haven’t forgotten how everyone else treated me, even after my partner tried to clear my name. It only augmented the characteristics of my AVPD. It dissuaded me from applying to grad school, seek any professional or academic opportunities… but mainly, it left me with an intense fear of leaving my house because I simply don’t trust anyone anymore. + +Today, my partner found out where he matched for residency. His school hosted a luncheon that celebrated the students who matched. So my partner invited me and his parents; and his friends were already there since they’re in the same class. Keep in mind that I haven’t seen anyone in about 2-3 years. + +After panicking for a week before the event, I finally mustered up the courage to go. I convinced myself it’s not going to be bad. My partner actually reassured me a lot, as well. Well…. + +Aside from my partner, everyone acted like I was invisible. They went out of their way to hug and greet everyone, and then skipped right over me. Even when I spoke, they wouldn’t acknowledge me. My partner was really disappointed in them but wanted to keep the mood light, so he didn’t confront anyone. He did stick by my side, so I was at least grateful for that. + +It all just augmented my social anxiety, avoidant personality, and even my body dysmorphia. Looking at the pictures I took of everyone else versus the photos they took of me…. I’m really struggling to decide if it’s just a bad day or if I’m really that hideous. It makes me never want to step foot outside again. + +My partner truly has turned his life around and has become more aware of my needs. I love him very much and am proud that he’s grown up a lot during our relationship. Yes, ideally we would’ve never had to go through our dark phase. But he’s helped me in many ways too. I just wish the people in his life were nicer to me. + +They have no idea what their rejection does to me.",Personality disorder +50659,"I am hurting Lately I just feel like garbage. I havent left the house much in like 2 weeks, and I've been missing class. It all feels too overwhelming for me, but being at home makes me feel like trash too...I cant win. I cant sleep right either. I wake up every other hour and im so tired.... + +I feel so angry and anxious lately too because I feel as if everyone hates me and that they're happier without me. My friends hardly talk to me lately. I see them on social media chatting and making plans to call/play games and im never included lately. Im not surprised though. Who'd want to be friends with someone as depressed and broken as me? + +I want to crawl in a hole and disappear :(",Personality disorder +51777,"Nobody in my life has ever truly known me. I put up so many masks around everybody. I show some parts of myself to some people, and other parts to other people. And some parts I never show anybody and probably never will. Nobody in my life has ever truly known me, they only know the person I’ve shown them. It’s exhausting, but it’s basically second nature at this point and I literally don’t know how to be anything else. I find myself telling so many little lies even about the most mundane things about myself and I don’t even mean to do it on purpose. My opinions are always what I think the other person wants to hear. Every word I say and everything I show on the surface is always a watered down version of what I truly want to say and feel. Even when I’m just in the car with someone I only play music I think they would like or what I want them to think I listen to. Most of the time I don’t even know what parts of myself are true or not. I’m like a puzzle made up of completely different pieces that don’t fit together. It’s all just so fucked. I don’t know how to fix this. I wish there was someone who could see through all these masks and help bring out who I actually am, but I don’t even know if that’s possible at this point.",Personality disorder +51499,,Personality disorder +51610,"AvPD doesn’t mean that your brain is ill right? I was thinking that AvPD isn’t caused by some brain illness. It is very possible that most people with AvPD have healthy brain right? + +I feel like AvPD is just that we learned things incorrectly, we were exposed to some very stressful situations as child and our brains learned that that situation this is bad. + +And now our functioning brain is reminding us with anxiety that this situation is familiar from past when we were learning things. And this anxiety is causing us to avoid these situations because we were learnt that they are bad. + +So from this point we can say that our brain is normally functioning? Brain is doing what it is supposed to be doing, trying to stay out of danger and survive.",Personality disorder +51040,"Noticing negative behaviours while talking to someone I quickly notice negative behaviours when i talk to people. I feel like their sound changes, they roll their eyes etc. So i stop talking to them immediately. And when i notice, it ruins my day. It is one of the things that makes me avoid most of the social interactions. + +Can you guys relate?",Personality disorder +50984,"I think being lonely and isolated caused me to become self centered and almost (and still might) cost me the best relationship I’ve ever had I saw some article about how being lonely and isolated can increase self-centered thoughts and behaviors. I didn’t realize I had this problem until recently. I feel so awful about myself right now. I didn’t know it was such an issue until my partner wanted to leave me for it, and he still might. I wouldn’t blame him. Has anyone else had this come up?",Personality disorder +51684,,Personality disorder +50665,"An absence of social pleasure (social anhedonia) It is not possible to know what it is like to experience the world from inside someone else’s body, but I can infer from others that people enjoy being with other people more than I do. + +It is rare that I enjoy a person’s company. Usually I look forward to being alone again. Instead of pleasure, I do feel an absence of loneliness or fear, but these are not pleasure. I very much experience health benefits from being with other people, I can’t deny this, but in the moment I feel like something important is missing. + +To say it different, I don’t feel a desire to be with others unless I am wanting to soothe or avoid loneliness or fear. By default, being alone is peaceful and ideal. + + +Is it really anhedonia, or is it also possible that my default is actually that the social anxiety overpowers the social pleasure so that I can’t feel feel. And it takes a really strong negative emotion to overpower social anxiety in order to provoke a desire to be with others. + +Wish I understood so that I could participate more in life.",Personality disorder +51047,"Feeling worthless in my relationship because my partner's tone sounds dismissive at times? I get feelings of worthlessness as soon as the infatuation fades even by a fraction. + +It's fucking brutal, I can't fucking live wondering when is my partner gonna get bored with me and see me as plain as I see myself all the goddamn time. I sometimes get this idea of asking normal people how insecure they are in a relationship and measure that and compare it to how insecure I am. The difference in results is probably gonna be crazy. Is it normal with this disorder? or I'm even worse than regular people with avpd? This is gonna drive me crazy one day, I already feel myself wanting to leave",Personality disorder +51602,"I got a raise :) I've worked as a baker at a cafe for a little under a year, and here bakers are supposed to also answer the phone and take orders + have some cashier training, which I just... couldn't really do, so we worked out a tentative agreement for me to only do opening baking, which is only about 25 hours a week. + +Today my boss told me that I've been doing really good work and that he's over me not answering the phone because it's obvious I care about what I'm doing. Now I've got more hours/responsibilites, the same days off every week, PTO, and a 2.50 raise! I started here when I was still in high school so this kinda feels like I've done something to prove myself as a real employee even though I never really think I'm doing good at all. + +But it gives me so much hope that even if I'll never be 100% with communication there's still good qualities I have and people can appreciate them. The thing I'm happiest about is that they know I care. Because I really really do and I didn't think there was any way to express it.",Personality disorder +51419,"So i just went on a date... I'm M28, up to this point i have had next to zero experience with dating or women in general. + +I started chatting again with this girl that i had ghosted after asking her out on another app almost exactly a year ago. I was surprised that she would match with me again, this time i decided to go trough with it though. What helped i think is that she is of a pretty similar personality type as me, not a big time texter and sometimes slow to respond etc.. + +I decided to be just totally honest when we met, i told her I'm not the most exciting guy and that I'm pretty boring honestly, but i said it with kind of a smile and a good attitude. We ended up holding hands walking trough the city and i kissed her on the way to my car and again when i dropped her off. + +It felt like there might be some hope after all. She asked me what we should do next time, and i had no answer because i hadn't even considered it could ever come to that. + +&#x200B; + +I just had to tell someone. I'm not trying to brag. If anything its an example that even if your feel inadequate and unworthy, like i do often, its mostly on the inside. I've told myself no-one will ever like me, this is simply untrue, and if you feel this way its most likely untrue for you too.",Personality disorder +50918,My coworkers told me that my insecurities show during MS Teams meetings and that it is inappropriate They say it really shows because I stutter and then get all quiet the longer I talk. Guess I just stop talking then or spew bs with confidence if that's what they want to hear.,Personality disorder +51250,Rumination Can't stop ruminating on failed friendship/crush I haven't seen or talked to them in year's but I just can't let it go completely 😔,Personality disorder +50710,"Feeling down lately It was my birthday the other day and it was a bit depressing. I spent it in the house eating a frozen pizza (it was good though lol) I didnt really do anything besides that and eating some cheesecake (also good). I was hurt that nobody wanted to celebrate with me besides my mom + +I dont have many friends besides a few online friends, and lately i feel like they're distancing themselves from me and I deal with rejection sensitivity and along with the avpd I feel like its all eating away at me. When I see my friends talk to eachother or plan things without me, it honestly hurts me and makes me want to cry. My friend says everybody cares and loves me, but in my avpd brain its not true and that they all would be happy if i was out of their lives + +To make this worse, my therapist is moving soon and im scared i wont be able to find another therapist, especially someone as nice and understanding as them. She has helped me with a lot, and im scared i wont be able to find someone as nice and supportive as her. The last time i had a therapist who knew of my avpd, they screamed at me and said i couldnt be helped... + +This is all just making me feel hopelessly depressed and feeling rejected 🫠",Personality disorder +51150,"Afraid to talk or use your voice? It is difficult in real life, but I play a lot of video games and it is difficult there too. I don't know why I'm so nervous around people I will never know. + +Relatable? + +Also if you are interested, VR Chat can be a good place to practice socializing relatively safely. - lots of internet jerks there fair warning",Personality disorder +51806,"I can’t sustain long conversations It doesn’t matter who the other person is, if we are engaged in a conversation, the longer it takes the more symptoms I get. At first I am ok, then the worry begins in my head where at the same time I am talking, I start observing myself. + +The conversation continues but at this time the symptoms I have been worried about begin to appear, my ears turn red, my lips start to shake, my thinking start to prepare for the impending possibility of having a panic attack while at the same time I start observing that the person I am talking to has now noticed that I am having a reaction. My voice start to tremble as I must make some type of escape. + +Shame overtakes me as I now know that the other person knows that something just went wrong. I abruptly end the conversation and remove myself now completely drained and knowing that in future conversations with that person, this previous terrible episode will be the thing in my head and wondering if it will also be in their head. + +Later on as days pass, I start noticing that the other person also becomes uncomfortable and looks anxious when talking to me but seems happy and relaxed when talking to other people. + +After sometime, I start avoiding them because it takes a toll on me. If it is a place of employment, over time I will have many of such episodes with different people and it becomes too much so I quit so I can start fresh somewhere else but I already know what the outcome will be at each new place. + +I am 56 and have been like that since High School. + +Some medications have helped, particularly Effexor. Also thinking about my lungs breathing and doing mindfulness while conversing have reduced it tremendously, but many times I forget to do the work and I get the episodes. + +This is all from times in my childhood where I was shamed in front of others and ridiculed by aunts, uncles, grandparents and teachers. + +One of my grandma’s used to on many occasions take her frustrations on me when I did something bad. So for some reason now, when I talk to other adults, it triggers all of the reactions I had as a child when I was getting yelled at.",Personality disorder +50708,"Dating apps even harder with AvPD Disclaimer: I dislike dating app culture in general. There's a hell of a lot more to a person than a few pictures and prompts. + +\--- + +If I'm not attracted to someone then I won't swipe on them. If I am attracted to someone and there's even one thing on their profile that I lack or don't relate to then I won't swipe on them either. If there's someone I'm attracted to and there's nothing problematic in their profile, I won't swipe on them because I doubt they'll be interested in me. + +In the end this leaves a very very small pool of people which I guess makes the whole thing pointless?",Personality disorder +51134,"Do you think that Dr richards audio series work for AvPD? I went to a lot of therapists and didn't feel any better. Do you think that Dr richards audio series work for AvPD? +Therapists told me that medications are not useful in treating avoidant personality disorder, is that true?",Personality disorder +51113,"Part of having AvPD is masking everywhere you go. Including at home + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11bylrc)",Personality disorder +50738,Link to AvPd Podcasts https://open.spotify.com/show/5WI3mYjRpKXQJHjt0W12e9,Personality disorder +51846,"Societal Standards Not sure if this is just me but the more I self reflect the more i realize that im unhealthily antisocial but ok with that until i feel societal pressure to be different. Ive always been a loner and i can be like that ALL the time but the only time i feel shameful of that is when im around other people who aren’t like that and find it weird. It’s almost like one part of me desires companionship and being more friendly because that’s what you need for a “happy life” (apparently) but putting myself out there never satisfies me. Having friends just stresses me out and makes me deeply insecure there’s literally no satisfaction I get from it. I guess I’m deeply unhealthy but I love to isolate and can’t relate to others and feel insecure about it, like I wish I could be in the standard of what’s normal but I’m also really addicted to unhealthy habits. Do I sound crazy 😭 it’s hard to put into words how I feel but it’s like I’m so closed off and avoidant around people and get stressed about societal pressures but am ok with my unhealthy isolation until I realize other people don’t live their lives like that. I don’t want to miss out but find it hard to change. I guess my behavior isn’t normal but trying to fit in just makes my anxiety so bad. Hopefully somebody understands what I mean. 😭 I think this is just how it is when your mentality ill for a long period of time.",Personality disorder +51781,"Any hobbies? If you're comfortable sharing, does anyone here have any hobbies/activities that they enjoy?",Personality disorder +50779,"Anyone else have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings? I used to be quite eloquent when I was younger, despite not talking to anyone. I always had the right word or description for what I intended to say. If only I wasn’t an asshole and actually practiced conversation.. + +Not sure where it all started to escape me. Could be when my mental health went downhill, or when I got off my meds, or when I got high almost every day for a year. But nowadays it’s not uncommon for me to struggle to write simple sentences. Sending an email or text takes me way longer than it should. + +It really interferes when I’m trying to talk with others. So often I feel like I know what I want to say but the words are just out of reach, and instead of adding to the conversation I’m just like “yeah.. uuuh I feel you”",Personality disorder +51820,"Devastated after finding out my little sister has a secret boyfriend Not sure if this belongs here, but I'm so upset about this that I haven't slept all night. +My sister is my only friend. I feel like she understands me more than anyone else. I'm completely relaxed and comfortable around her; I can just be myself without overthinking what I look like and how I come across. She's basically the only person who is able to make me laugh. I've always been open with her about my thoughts, interests and even my mental health struggles. +I know it's not healthy to expect one person to be my entire social life, but I literally don't have anyone else I can talk to about anything. +Yesterday I found out that she's been lying to me by saying she's meeting up with friends from school and sleeping over at her bff's apartment, when in fact she has a rich foreigner boyfriend and she's been staying over at his place. He's also been driving her on trips to nearby cities. +I knew this day would come; my little sister had to grow up someday and get a boyfriend, but I wasn't prepared to feel so alone, abandoned and betrayed. +She never mentioned that guy to me and my father; I'm disappointed that I had to find out about him from my mother. +I still haven't talked to her since I found out about her relationship, but I can't fathom why she would hide it from me when I've always told her everything. +Of course I want her to be happy, but now all I'm left to do is wait for her to get married, move to a different country and forget about me, leaving me to rot and die miserable and alone.",Personality disorder +51148,"Follow up to - Therapy Success…. Hi - I have received great response to my recent thread question about successful therapy-types to deal with my AvPD. I’m a bit confused about the different therapy paths. + +The different responses have lead me to this follow up topic/question. + +If you have AvPD - and experienced success in therapy - please answer the following (Please don’t respond if you’re a Therapist). + +Before therapy I _______. And now after therapy I can ______. + +Thx again.",Personality disorder +51546,"A Social Phobic's silly questions First of all, I'm sorry for this post, I don't want to offend anyone or adorn myself with words that I'm not entitled to. + +After reading many of your posts and doing some research myself, I fear that I might also have AvPD or at least have very similar symptoms. My problem: How do I find out if I'm completely delusional or if there might actually be something to it? If I just ask my therapist, ""How do I know I don't have AvPD?"" it may come across as extremely know-it-all and pushy. Aside from that, I have many questions and concerns, what if I was misdiagnosed because I misdescribed my problems? + +I'm really sorry to write in this subreddit. It's just that I just panicked again because of an incident. + +Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.",Personality disorder +51390,"Teasing Just wondering how many people take general or playful razzing super poorly or personally. For instance, teasing between friends. I have a few friends that tease me about some of my hobbies and interests. Some times I fluff it off, other times I get super frustrated and almost angry with them, and feel like I'm somehow stupid or inferior for liking the things I like. Just wondering if that's a normal thing or if it is part of the disorder. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10w2p1s)",Personality disorder +50805,"Just a quick moment of levity Hey guys what are your 3 favorite/special films and 1 tv show you adore:) + +Mine are: +1.Cherry +2.Drive +3.Wind River +...Mandy is also one of favs, especially the first half of the film. + +And I'm a huge Stranger Things fan, that's my favourite tv show",Personality disorder +51772,"I look like how I want to. So, this is actually something really positive for me, even if it isn't considered the best thing in everyone's minds. + +I was going to the bathroom, and I was wearing a really baggy hoodie with pants that are way too big for me these days. The pants used to fit me just fine, but I've lost so much weight that I have to tie them around my waist or they'll just fall off. + +Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I saw myself in the mirror when I walked in, and I couldn't help but think that I look exactly how I want to look. I love how comfy clothes look, my hair is long and messy, and I guess I'm in a good enough state of mind to see myself as cute when my hair covers my face like it did. I am embarrassed that as a guy, I like feeling cute, but I think it's great and I've been told that it actually makes me more attractive. + +But when I was admiring myself in the mirror, I lifted up my hoodie (no I don't wear a shirt underneath my hoodies, the temperature much too hot for that as I can barely wear this hoodie) and I saw that my waist was super skinny. Of course, I don't eat much, and I still function fine, so I guess that's okay. + +What I'm getting at is, I was able to look at myself in the mirror today, and I liked what I saw, and people can think what they want, I look exactly how I want to look today, and I love that. + +Things have really been getting better for me, and though there's still plenty of low points, I can easily see my condition is getting better. I hope everyone else is doing okay, and I hope that by sharing this I can bring some hope to anyone else who has been struggling with this pd. Thank y'all if you read this far, and I hope you're doing well.",Personality disorder +51126,"Loose yourself,give up your struggle. Recognize that there is no battle to fight except of your own making. So I've been reading this book recently, haven't finished it yet. kind of enlighten me about my situation in some way. Would recommend some of you guys to check them out, who knows... might help some of you guys even if it leaves a little impact it's still worth it to learn. :) do give it a chance + + +""Self-Help for Your Nerves: Learn to relax and enjoy life again by overcoming stress and fear"" + +https://www.scribd.com/book/362365020",Personality disorder +51042,"I really need to go to the pharmacy please, someone to encourage me, help me.. it's going to get worse if I don't go, it's been more than a week already. + +I hate that I'm neglecting and self-isolating myself so badly because of my issues, I hate it so much. I'm so lonely, the only motivation I have is from myself -and needless to say there's literally none + +incidentally I have to see a doctor, a dentist, an orthodontist, and an endocrinologist and it's so so so hard to get myself to do it oh god, I'm like slowly decaying",Personality disorder +50791,"is it wrong of me? i am not diagnosed with avpd. i think i have it but i won’t say i have it. i’ve shown a lot of symptoms since childhood. i’m 18 and usually they diagnose people who are older so yea idk. + +i’ve posted on here several times and feel such a comfort with all the people who relate. i’ve lost friendships because of how i am. it’s so nice to feel understood and to connect with other people like me. + +i don’t know where else to go to vent, so i usually go here. all the people who comment really make me feel better since they get it.",Personality disorder +51597,"I only have one set of clothes. I can't imagine going to a clothing store. Buy only on the Internet. If I buy online, the size does not fit. I don't need a lot of clothes because I don't have to go out. + +I don't even go to the barbershop. I cut my own hair + +There is a supermarket right next to the house, but I don't go there. Necessary items are purchased through Internet delivery. I used to go to the supermarket often when I was young, but I'm 28 years old and still unemployed, so I'm afraid the supermarket owner will recognize me.",Personality disorder +50826,,Personality disorder +51138,"the guilt of existing simply being around people makes me feel so guilty like i am inconveniencing them with my presence and i constantly feel like i need to leave to relieve them of the burden of having to interact with me. after an interaction with anyone i feel a deep sense of shame and can't stop repeating ""sorry, sorry, sorry"" in my head. i think this one of the things i hate most about this disorder.",Personality disorder +51078,"I'm such a cynical person And it feels totally warranted. Its like I'm sensitive to when people are trying to take advantage of me. I'm aware we live i a society that's all about money. Whenever I see an ad or celebrity I don't feel the positive emotions other people do so much im more focused on the awareness of what they are trying to do. I know in the real world I have few allies if any. I do know good people exist but I am disconnected from them by my experience is too unrelatable, and they are hard to find.",Personality disorder +51588,"What’s The Worst Job or Career For an Avoidant? Title - but + +What’s a job/career that an Avoidant would + +1. strongly dislike + +Or + +2. may struggle with doing core components of the job successfully",Personality disorder +50877,"Anyone scarred by 1 period in their life? For me, it was High School. Just forgetting it and realizing that I will not carry those people along with me for the rest of my life has been such a boon. + +Those were just a random assemblage of people thrown at me. Nothing less, nothing more. + +They don't matter to me anymore.",Personality disorder +51731,"All I am is a useless burden I volunteer at a place that I like to help out at despite my debilitating anxiety because I like helping people (plus It’ll help me gain credit for my future job) but for a few days I didn’t show up due to sickness. Now i’m supposed to text them when I don’t show up, my manager? boss? made that very clear. She even gave me her personal email to text because she understood that I absolutely couldn’t take phone calls due to anxiety. Now I may or may not have just skipped that part as I’d hate to bother them with a text plus it’s embarrassing. So basically my school counselor (who is in contact with my manager) comes up to me and tells me that my manager was very upset and direct that I can’t keep not notifying them when I can’t go and I have one last chance or she’d rather have me not help out at all. This of course (I soooo badly wanna say traumatized, because it feels that way but i’ve experienced trauma before to know that this experience wasn’t actually traumatic) really hurt me. All I wanted to do was help. I just wanted to be useful to someone for once and all I did was end up being a burden. I hate myself for this i’m scared to even go in again. If I can’t even hold a volenteer position, i’m sure as hell aren’t ever going to be able to get a real job when I get older. I fucking hate this disease, it’s taking my life away.",Personality disorder +50831,"I have a new therapist! I got a new therapist today. I am nervous. She called and she sounds nice. I have had horrible experiences in the past, but I decided that I can no longer be stuck. I need to move forward but I need help knowing how and maybe this will be helpful. I am going to try. + +""You gotta get up and try, try, try""",Personality disorder +51751,"Being a toxic person to others and wishing they didn’t have to deal w/ you because of it I completely shut off due to my anxiety and depression. It’s hard to not avoid avoid avoid and feel like a burden especially when you have people you love and know care about you. My heart and mind conflict so much because I’m so sensitive and I’ve just built a wall after years of negative feelings and rejections but my heart wants the exact opposite. And I get so lonely dealing with depression alone wondering why do I have to deal with this all the time, but it hurts the most to be going through it and hurt the people you really love, like I don’t want to be a burden anymore but it’s easy to feed the demons that are telling you to avoid avoid avoid and the fear. I know other people are going through things too and I’m not good enough to even be there for them.",Personality disorder +51676,Hypochondria Who here has hypochondria?,Personality disorder +51233,"I Hate School I am currently in my second semester in college and I hate it. I am not the most intelligent person but I try my best. It's expensive but my scholarships cover it so I am going for free. I am very grateful that I have this opportunity but it is terrible. I started with a mandatory orientation where all we did was walk around and talk to each other. This was my personal circle of hell. I can manage in small groups, but this was at least 30 people. A week of that. + +&#x200B; + +I also had a class called ""you at \*school\*"". It was ALL TEAM BUILDING. It was a show-up for credit class and I almost failed because I wouldn't participate. I had to do a presentation and just started crying in the middle of it. I have never been more embarrassed in my life. I went to sit down and the girl next to me was patting my shoulder and asking if I wanted to go into the hallway for a bit. I don't like people touching me. + +&#x200B; + +Now, as a recovering addict, I have another Layer of Isolation. Everyone is in their ""my mom is not here let's party"" phase and I can't be around any type of substance without jeopardizing my sobriety. So I can't just show up to an open party or talk because that's all people do now. + +&#x200B; + +I also have a class that's just discussion groups. It is 12 people so not as bad as my larger class', except no one talks. It's just the T-A repeating the same question prompt over and over till someone speaks up. I wanted to fill the awkward silence so I said something and now I am expected to talk all the time. + +&#x200B; + +I hate talking. I wish I had an invisibility cloak to go to class with. I am ruining my education because I can't function properly. And I am so jealous of others around me. I want to be happy like them.",Personality disorder +51662,"How to deal with in-person avoidance? Hi dear community! + +I have a question, my partner has AVPD. We have been dating for some months. + +And I noticed that when he’s going through an anxiety “episode” or moment. He sort of physically avoids me. + +For example if he feels embarrassed, or has low self esteem particularly high that moment. He will “hide” behind his laptop, or walk behind or in front of me, distancing himself physically, while still being kind, it’s more of a way of hiding from me, when he can’t actually leave. (For example when we share a hotel room on vacation) + +I did notice that when I grab his hand to hold mine while walking, that he does reciprocate(even when he tried to walk behind me or further away from me) but I’m not sure if he does it to please me but dislikes it, or if he likes it that I’m gently being reassuring and consistent. + + +My dear Avpd-Ers- when feeling low, do you like being comforted, or do you truly want someone to take distance and leave you alone? I just want to learn how to handle the situation so he feels comfortable! + +Thanks everyone !!",Personality disorder +51084,"does trauma play a part in your avpd? i was wondering how many people think the disorder formed because of trauma in their childhood? for me the main reason i have avpd is because of emotional neglect and trauma from bullying. i think symptoms started showing up during the bullying. my self hate really took off from there. its kind of a mess though since i was dealing with depression and anxiety at that age but i can see it all makes sense why i have these symptoms. after just a few years of it i completely isolated myself and spent years in solitude. i dont think i would have avpd without all the trauma as a child. from what i see on certain posts is that some people dont seem have that factor in the formation of their avpd. whats your experience? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11dwi28)",Personality disorder +51611,"Professor made eye contact and I had to throw up Two weeks before my calc prof came to tell me how disappointed he was in me for my poor grades and lack of turning in assignments. It had way too much of an impact. I literally couldn't show up to the next two classes. + +I finally get back and he's doing standard lecture stuff, talking while scanning the large crowd so people feel more engaged. His eyes grazed mine a second. I know it meant nothing logically. It's just how people talk to crowds, sweeping eyes. But in that moment, I decided his gaze was a glare, a disapproving irritated message straight to me. I felt like a failure, terrible. I left the classroom quietly. Soon as I reached the hallway, I ran. I ran to the bathroom to throw up. + +Just a second of eye contact and it destroyed me. I hate being like this lmao.",Personality disorder +51377,"studying makes my AvPD symptoms worse. This might sound really weird, as I've never heard about it here or anywhere else, but I've noticed that when I make a mental effort, especially to learn something new, I seem to change my personality and I can't laugh , I get ""surly"", my mood gets worse. Also, I get hypervigilant when I see people on the street, I look at them as if I've seen something scary. If I don't study for a week, my symptoms improve a lot and I become more sociable and relaxed. ps: Studying means being focused for a period of time on trying to absorb some content well, as mathematics or philosophy, for example. I know that everything I said may sound meaningless or strange , but can someone enlighten me or give me some tips? Thank you very much in advance.",Personality disorder +50953,any negative response makes me genuinely contemplate suicide yea lol just happened with a friend and i feel rly heavy and my day is ruined lol. i feel stupid,Personality disorder +51097,"The Reset We All Need, Hypnosis Perhaps? I was wondering if perhaps anyone has had any experience with effective hypnosis in getting over a certain fear or habit. It occurred to me that perhaps this may be more effective than traditional therapy for AVPD",Personality disorder +51689,,Personality disorder +50704,"Do you also feel this way? I just really came across with this term avoidant personality disorder on Google by searching ""why do I want to be alone and live on my own away from others"" and I clicked on the very first article that came up. I couldn't give much clearer description of myself after reading the article and so I looked it up on reddit and surprisingly a subreddit exists dedicated to this. I desire to be alone and living on my own away from my family and people because I feel inhibited by them. I feel like I'm restricted and couldn't act my true self when I'm with them maybe because I'm afraid of being disliked by them? I'm not really sure and I'm still learning and knowing about myself. + +Am I the only one who feels this way?",Personality disorder +51498,"Architecture student with AvPD. This is almost like a cosmic joke! + +This course is definition of criticism. Working sleepless nights on projects overthinking of the negative reviews is constant nightmare and I'm excelling the art of escapism. + +I'm 23, and this is the THIRD fucking time I discontinued college. THRICE. + +I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was always avoidant from before I even had the memory of it but I thought that was just my normal nature. + +I just discovered that I have AvPD from the recurring symptoms. It is destroying my life. It's progressing on the path to hell. It all makes sense now. My choices. My running away. The pattern is embedded deep into my subconscious. I feel hopeless and suicidal. + +I have never been to therapy, haven't talked about it to anyone yet. My family might be supportive although none of us has ever been to therapy before. I'm hanging onto this little hope that I could do better with professional help. It's not too late. Should I tell them or not. Idk. + +That being said, guys, has anyone been to therapy or something that has seen improvements for the sake of life?",Personality disorder +51385,"Failing to understand the true logic behind social interactions and relationships. Until I started reading about psychology and watching videos about it, I don't think I understood myself or other people thoroughly. + +I wish I had done this 20 years ago. + +Because, well, school doesn't teach you this AND my parents didn't teach me this at all. They provided but they didn't truly parent me. They were mainly focused on their own emotional needs without knowing it.",Personality disorder +51409,how do you deal with the feeling of regret over missed opportunities ? For example missed opportunity to get to know someone who showed interest in you or job opportunities and the likes.,Personality disorder +50686,"I'm screwed, maybe many of you are too? One thing I'm aware of is after you've been disconnected from societal norms for a few years, it seems very difficult to return. I tend to stay away from looking at other people's lives, overall it is good but you also need an awareness of how far adrift you are and the standard you're compared against. + +The average person is socially active, whereas were disengaged. They have a constant stream of chores hobbies events plans, messaging circles. In a day some days I speak to no one and can't even find the motivation to do anything new, even something like watching a movie I can put off. My point is that after a while when you look at the ''activity level'' of a normal average person I just feel inadequate. This is made worse reinforced by the fact that whenever i do try connect with others I get rejected thats because they can sense pretty early I have nothing going on for myself in these social areas and I am not so much like them. And thats the catch-22 because people excluding you stops you ever having anything. + +I'm incapable of organising a fun life, things, like viewing someone in family gathering and getting along with large groups of people and creating a good impression, are intimidating,nearly impossible for me. I'm behind in career, life experiences, life skills, energy. It's just difficult to even get a footing, iv been cut away for so long and many types have closed the door on me",Personality disorder +50911,"found an avpd plush ? I came across this company that makes plushies off of disorders and other disabilities and there was one for avpd. not sure how I feel, I guess since it's the first I see avpd incorporated anywhere lol. just wanted to see you guys' thoughts on this + +[https://www.instagram.com/p/CpcL9bvO\_W\_/](https://www.instagram.com/p/CpcL9bvO_W_/)",Personality disorder +50892,,Personality disorder +51359,"Anxiety tip Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people's embarrassing moments. You can't, can you? The same applies to other people.",Personality disorder +51076,"Feeling I don't belong When I'm alone or doing my own thing, I don't feel alone so much. I'm used to being alone and doing my own thing, and here and there I communicate with people. That's okay. But when I'm suppised to be part of a group, I start to feel inferior to others and that I don't belong. Everyone else is interacting with each other but somehow I am left outside the group. + +The school and Uni were propably the worst, because you are alone amongst everybody else everyday. In my current work everything is okay, because I work from home and I don't see the others interacting all the time. I just pretend that everyone else is doing their work alone, same as me. But. Now we have this group work at my work and now I feel alone again. We should be interacting with each other, but I'm not interacting with anyone. In meetings I hear how everyone else has been working with each other, except for me.. Group work makes me feel so alone :(",Personality disorder +51832,"I came off as an asshole today and I’m struggling with it I went to the mall to buy some fragrances and I came off as a massive asshole to the cashiers. There was originally only one girl that was attending the area I went to, so I thought I would be fine. Wrong. She seemed like she was new and when I asked her for the fragrance I wanted she seemed confused and said she was going to get someone to help me. She came back with two women, and they’re all staring at me while I say what I want. Then one of the women she brought back started asking me questions, I wasn’t prepared for this and I sort of shut down. She asked me what I was currently wearing and I lied and said I didn’t wear anything currently, then she asked me if I would wear something sweeter than the fragrance I had picked out and I just shook my head and looked at some other bottles of perfume. I acted mostly dismissive towards the three women because I was so uncomfortable and just wanted the situation to end. I wanted to get out of the situation as fast as possible so I grabbed a different fragrance that I was familiar with and told them I would just buy that. + +I had tried to prepare myself beforehand to speak to one person, because the last time I went there was only one person I had to talk to. Talking to three people made me so uncomfortable and I acted like a dismissive asshole. I thought it would be really easy for me since I already knew what I wanted and I assumed I could just tell the lady the name of what I wanted and she would tell me whether they had it or not. I also feel really bad for the new girl because I could tell she didn’t really know what she was doing and I just made it worse for her. And the lady that was asking me questions seemed very nice and I feel bad for acting the way I did. Now that I think about it, the second lady was probably trying to set an example to the new girl and I ruined it for her. + +I had avoided buying fragrances online in fear that the bottles would break in the mail but I will probably only buy them online from now on. + +This experience made me realize that I also act cold and asshole-ish to everyone that’s not the people I live with, or my mom. But that’s also the only way I can speak to people, so I’m kind of stuck between don’t socialize at all or act cold to everyone.",Personality disorder +51163,,Personality disorder +51418,"Just got home from a party… All I did was stand awkwardly by myself in the middle of the room the whole time. Despite drinking and smoking some weed, I felt too *aware* of myself and any potential eyes on me. I’m always so utterly restricted, I never let myself have any fun, never dance, never play any drinking games, participate in karaoke, etc. because I don’t want to people to judge how badly I am doing, I’m scared they would want nothing to do with me if they see how bad at I am at everything. I’m literally terrified of any self-expression and I wish just once I could be normal and let loose and just have fun",Personality disorder +51201,"I know this probably isn't AVPD, but sometimes I suspect I have a bit of it due to symptoms, but that doesn't mean anything School sucks. All I do is hide the bathroom every break time to avoid social interactions because I also know there isn't anywhere to go or sit. If there is a place in the library, I hope that nobody sits next to me or looks at me. I think people stare at me, but when I look up, they're not. I wish school days went faster and feel like I get anxiety attacks. + +I avoid making friends at school because I feel inferior to people. Like, I don't deserve them, and they're much better having someone else as a friend than me because I have 0 social skills and stress to maintain friendships. I try to seem mildly interesting by having hobbies, but i know it isn't enough. I sometimes feel severely lonely and depressed at school and at home but try to distract myself from that. I don't speak a word at school. Somedays, I dissociate, and everything feels like this isn't my home or I'm dreaming. + +I think this is just general social anxiety, but do any of you relate? (BTW, I'm not trying to self diagnose. I just need some help...)",Personality disorder +51008,"My mom said hitler was right about people like me, and she wasn't kidding + +While having dinner mom said that  hitler was right about people like me. + +And at the evening, she said that again + +and she meant  one of two things either: + +People with disabilities should not get married & should not have kids because their kids would be sick like their parents. + +Or People with disabilities don't deserve to live. + +I was beyond shocked + +anyway,I wish  i have  enough financial resources so that i can leave",Personality disorder +51840,"AvPD, can be avoiding woman only? I wonder if avoiding woman can be AvPD? I have avoided woman almost my whole life, at some point in high school I liked a girl I talked to a bit. But never full got to know her because of paranoia, of not having a car or being able to provide for her in any way. It’s probably the only time I spoke with a girl. Mainly because I was invested in wanting to be with he, but was to afraid to be with her in a relationship. + +If AvPD is not only avoiding woman for my instance then I don’t understand AvPD.",Personality disorder +51467,"Anyone else here have a fear of emotional burdens? It's the one thing that drives me insane. + +I am sick of being surrounded by adults who are an emotional burden on me. + +I don't mind material burdens. + +But, emotional ones? + +They scare me to death.",Personality disorder +51022,"I act like a child and idk if it's just me or because of avpd People have commented before on this, and what it is, is that I basically look up to people in the way a child would look up to an adult, and I do this because I admire how other people my age act like real adults, and are confident and capable of doing adulty things. I absolutely am not a real adult, despite my age. + +I also tend to want these people to look after me a bit/ make me feel safe/ protect me from other people because I view them as competent whilst I'm essentially an over grown child. I suppose this could stem from childhood trauma where I didn't feel protected maybe, so I now try to hide behind other people to feel safe. + +I don't know if anyone else experiences this. I've never seen anyone talk about something like this before so I fear I'm just a complete weirdo 🥲🥲. I'm not sure if this is actually a sign I have dependent personality disorder or something instead of being avpd related. + +Hopefully you guys can let me know if this is avpd related or not.",Personality disorder +51681,"Anyone else terrified of dying alone? (finally found the will to post here after years of lurking) + +I’ve been living alone for all my adult years and I work from home. I don’t have any kind of social life and can easily spend several weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone. I do have family, but they all live far away and I don’t see them often. + +So sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever have a stroke or a heart attack, or if I fall down the stairs, or if I choke on some food… I often read about people being found dead in their home several years or even decades after they died, and deep down I’m convinced that’s how I’ll end up. It really makes me feel scared and helpless and I don’t know how to cope with it.",Personality disorder +51093,"Rescue fantasies Did anyone else have a lot of rescue fantasies when they were young and even today especially in regards to romantic relationships? I started having these rescue fantasies in high school and they’ve been coming back into my life recently very hard. I was obsessed with the anime revolutionary girl utena as a teenager and into today in my late 20s. I saw myself so much in Anthy and I wanted someone like Utena to come into my life and rescue me, fight for me, and love me. I’ve never been in a relationship but this is all I can fantasize about now is someone rescuing me and loving me. I recently found a music video like that that I sob every time I watch it but watch it multiple times a day because I want someone to rescue me like that so bad. +https://www.bilibili.tv/en/video/2009722095",Personality disorder +51647,"Have you ever had “best friend”? From most posts I read here it seems like most of you had avoidant behavior since childhood, and it was the same for me. + +So considering you were avoidant since you were a child, you probably had issues making friends since then. So have you ever had someone you called your “best friend” and they called you their “best friend” too? + +I had friend like this, we were “best friends” for about 19 years. When I left for University, then we stopped being in contact slowly. We met few times after that, but at this point I feel like we are not even friends anymore. + +But he was my good friend I have to say, he knew that I was shy and weird, but he always called me out to meet with people.",Personality disorder +51363,"Dae have a job where they are around a lot of people? My job is at a very fast paced restaurant with a large amount of staff. I work hard because of the pain of being clearly the only one who hasn’t formed any friendships. I think my coworkers are great people and there are so many but I can’t hold a conversation with anyone. It’s even worse if I liked them when I first met them. There are specific shifts I want more of because I like the work better but in those situations I feel bad for whoever has to work around my quiet self. And When I speak I sound confident but I can’t have conversations per se. People thought I was normal for maybe a few weeks and then gave up. +Im not being mistreated, but it’s lonely. I’m 28 and age 27 was the last year I was able to form relationships. I have a bf now but I know that when he leaves me eventually I’ll never be able to start anything over. Feels bad man",Personality disorder +51466,"This shit SUCKS can’t even freely express yourself and connect with people + +Being ugly has made me feel like a FUCKING ROBOT. I’m sooo fucking jealous of everyone everywhere. Everyone at my job has these personalities that they just express without thinking of how the other person will perceive them. They crack lame jokes witty jokes and everyone laughs and accepts it and they all act like they’re brothers and sisters. Of course I’m the fucking outcast who is quiet all the time and doesn’t say anything but robotic one liners…. BECAUSE I FEEK LIKE THATS ALL I CAN DO. Anytime I’ve tried being funny and more comfortable I got shot down so many times. People would say “who tf says that” “shut up” or just flat out ignore me opposed to how they laugh with each other and and add on to each other’s jokes + +I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say every fucking time I’m talking to anyone. People have said “kobes weird hes too quiet hes a loner” but like I’m only quiet cause I feel like people will consider me lame and annoying if I try expressing myself and talking to them… it’s not fair no one else has these fears and I’m essentially trapped in my brain locked out from making any meaningful connections + +The worst part is I don’t even think this is fixable. It’s been this way for basically my whole life. Like whenever I tried to take a leap and express myself I’ve mostly been shot down and looked at like I was special needs and it’s dehumanizing and isolating I don’t know what tf to do. I’m so sick of being cursed to ugliness and this sub I just want to live my fucking life and connect with people + +I feel like when YOURE ugly you’re not allowed to really express yourself and joke like everyone else because people will automatically take offense to it + +So unfortunately even tho I want to connect with people I stay to myself cause I feel like I’m unbearably boring and awkward and like people don’t like me and would rather not talk to me soo… fuck",Personality disorder +51179,"why do I feel like I scare people? So i am currently in college for nursing, I've been practically a hermit of a stay at home mom since 2016. I thought maybe I could get past my anxious feelings of making friends in once I got to school but it's turning into the same thing all over again. I have in person class 2 days a week and I met a girl who was open about her mental health. We clicked and I thought great I can do this I can make a friend. We even exchanged numbers which is HUGE for me. We texted a little but then in class she went from sitting next to me to jokingly saying "" I'd rather be next to (insert classmates name)."" Now I have tried to be chill with this other classmate too. We had a similar dark sense of humor, but then the past two classes I felt like a third wheel. Like the first girl just started to distance and almost mean yet she asks me to study with her and the other. I am.so confused, and also feel like they are pitying me. Like I just wanted to flee the class and sob because i felt like once again people automatically shut me out bc of my quirks. Idk if this is an AVPD thing or an autistic thing. I just feel defeated and alone. I so desperately want a friend.",Personality disorder +50957,"when i hear my name called, i feel extremely uncomfortable and i feel like i did something wrong. i dont know if this has anything to do with AvPD or not + +i'm 20 years old and i think i suffer from Avpd, u can check my other posts here + +this is a problem i noticed recently + +lets say I'm talking to someone and if she/he calls me by my name, i feel extremely uncomfortable, i feel like i did something wrong so i dont want to talk anymore and end the conversation there. it happens both in real life and online. if someone says my name its a big turn off for me. + +normally people dont even know my name, people in my class etc. they dont use my name at all. + + i just wonder, is there anyone here in the same situation?",Personality disorder +51391,"I firmly believe undiagnosed ADHD is a big part of the reason why I have this disorder Beyond emotional (and sometimes physical) neglect, I always knew something was different about me. And not in a good way. I couldn't relate to my peers growing up and I could never figure out why. I was always ""too much"". Too loud, too weird, too emotional. I never had the same interests as the other kids around me. Which made me sad because I wanted to, but never did + +Then there's the fact that I couldn't catch on to jokes quickly, which made me awkward. My poor attention span and memory made things worse. Sometimes my teacher would ask me to do a favor (like grab something from a shelf) and I couldn't follow directions. This happened a lot growing up. People getting frustrated with me or thinking there's something wrong with me because I couldn't follow directions. + +This evolved into a massive fear of being embarrassed. If someone was telling me where to go, I'd need a visual. A map or for me to write down their directions, because I'll get lost. My short term memory is so bad. I remember my uncle was giving me his phone number (we were moving and he had to leave and come back but I needed to be in contact with him). + +He recited the numbers and I couldn't remember what he said quick enough. I just always felt like I'm slow to process things. I still am. Someone will state a fact about themselves, I'll look them in the face and nod like I was listening. But I wasn't, so I *repeat what they said back to them* and they all give me this ""wtf"" look and they tell me they just said that a moment ago. + +Sometimes I forget the things I myself said and it would lead to me repeating myself multiple times. Again, ending with people giving me this ""wtf is wrong with her?"" Look. Yikes. + +It doesn't help that I think I deal with rejection sensitive dysphoria. It takes *very little* for me to get flustered and embarrassed. It led to me lashing out at others as a child, which ofc led to me being excluded eventually. I always over-expressed my emotions and I think that was off putting to other people. When I was happy I was very happy. When I felt a twinge of sadness, I was crying, when I was mad I was yelling and name calling. + +I had overall weird impulsive behavior. I would say the most random things and make really weird movements (I still do but only at home lol). I think all of these things just made others reject me because I was so strange. And to avoid the harsh judgement, I started masking all of my ""quirks"", but I lost myself in the process. + +I went from one extreme to the other. Instead of being overly expressive, I isolate myself and I come off as cold, uncaring, and stuck up. But this couldn't be further from the truth. I truly *do* care about people but I'm emotionally blocked off and still trying to mask those symptoms that make me seem ""weird"" + +Sorry for all the rants and posts lately 🫠. I'm not actually sad this time. I think I'm just coming to accept there's a reason why I am the way I am, and that I'm not just inherently defective.",Personality disorder +51842,"How to deal with rejection when you have avpd? I feel like I'm dying, like there's a hole in my chest and thoughts make me feel like I'm falling in. I'm also having very negative thoughts, I'm realising I'm angry at myself for being vulnerable enough for this to happen to me. Please help if you've been through this...I see no hope. P.s I mean rejected after asking a girl out I've been talking to for months.",Personality disorder +51641,"Avoiding everything, doing nothing Had a YT channel, got a decent amount of views. Deleted the channel and all videos. + +Had an account on an art website, where I spent countless hours sharing art I spent countless hours on everyday. Deleted it. It had the only copies of my art. Last time I sketched was 2019. + +Used to game for hours everyday. Deleted all my games and got rid of my console and TV. + +Used to play instruments, working on an album. Got rid of the instruments and the songs (100+). + +Tried a dating app outta curiosity, got matches. Blocked them, deleted the app. + +Got interviews for my dream companies. Declined them. + +Used to love books, reading entire novels front to back in one sitting. Now my mind goes blank when I see blocks of text. I had to separate the lines in this post to read it. + +Ordered food. Cancelled because I didn't wanna be seen by the driver or any neighbors. + +Used to play sports and go to the gym daily. Quit all sports and haven't been to the gym in 3 years. + +Having stupid mini anxiety attacks because I'm scared my avoidance of everything is catching up to me and I'll be homeless. + +Saving as much money as I can because I refuse to believe I actually have a job or deserve one. Scared that the amount I saved isn't enough and I'm doomed if I lose my job. + +Scared that my minor health issues might actually be major.",Personality disorder +51267,"Volunteering Heya, first of all sorry for any ramblings or incorrect sentences, my brain is all fuzzy and I'm shaking sadly. + +I've just sent off an email for a volunteering work, it's a simple museum carer, I will take care of the gardens, the tourists and whatever needs available. +I needed to do this, to boost up my CV because I can't work (because sadly..AVPD and CPTSD) + +It's all flexible hours, I won't get into any trouble if I miss a few days or whatnot. + +But I am still. So. Fucking. Scared. + +This isn't anything, ""O new situation fear"" no I've been to the museum once or twice and know the people, I know the community. + +But I am so damn fucking scared of rejection. I am scared of the possible outcomes this will bring me. I am scared of the social aspects of it. +I keep getting these thoughts of, ""they'll think I'm a creep"" ""I'll probably never keep up with it because I am a pathetic good for nothing, lower to everyone else"". +It's hurting me. + +And I need advice on how to just keep going, what should I do once it starts? Fight through the thoughts and fears? + +It was already hard enough as it was to do the paper, now I'm crashing wondering ""What the fuck was I thinking!?"" + +But I'm trying to keep positive as much as I possibly can. This could be a mix of social anxiety and AVPD running it's course but I don't know, all I know is that I am scared and very fearful of the future, of people, of being seeing in public, of messing up big time. + +Any words of encouragement or advice will help a lot. Thank you.",Personality disorder +51625,"Do you think telling my flatmate about AvPD would be weird? I almost don't talk to any of them, but there is one guy I kinda like so of course I avoid him even more. Once in a while we happen to meet in the kitchen and he usually initates some conersation. He is very nice and I feel like he'd be understanding. Would it be weird to tell him something like ""sorry I don't talk much to you guys I have avoidant personality""? Idk I feel like it might make him uncomfortable and it's kind of oversharing. But I feel like it'd remove this barrier between us at least a little bit? Idk I might be wrong.",Personality disorder +51623,"Ok but what now? ( career change ) I am currently making a transition from being a barista and supervisor at a coffee chain to attempting becoming a baker. Retail has burnt me out to my core, exacerbated my AVPD, and I'm convinced making this change might help me feel more at peace in my day-to-day because I have more control over my social interactions at work. + +However, I am having a hard time maintaining contact with the bakeries I'm trying to be recognized by without running into those anxieties that lead me to putting off an email or stopping by to introduce myself for a little too long, and thusly becoming what some would consider unprofessional in my communications. Would anyone have any advice to spare about how to 1) Apologize for the wait and possible inconvenience 2) When and how do I advocate for myself 3) if it's likely, how can I save my professional relationships with others when I let my anxiety call too many shots?",Personality disorder +51617,"had a successful weekend :) I was diagnosed with AvPD a little over 2 weeks ago, after knowing what it is for years and being in various stages of denial. I’ve spent most of the past couple weeks just feeling shitty and hopeless but I decided to reach out to people a couple days ago, went on a date yesterday and hung out with an old friend I haven’t seen in years and their friend for a couple hours today! I even texted a support group chat to hold me accountable (even though I usually never say anything) + +plus, my roommates had people over yesterday and while I still isolated I at least got myself to make polite conversation in passing. old habits die hard so I’m not exactly expecting this to stick yet but I’m proud of myself!",Personality disorder +51580,"I think I'm becoming a misanthrope. I keep seeing all these humans doing something they enjoy, doing something they're good at, doing something thar earns them a living. Worse than that, I keep seeing character development and growth. I keep seeing humans getting better. + +And I hate it. + +When is it gonna be my turn? No matter how fucking long it's been, nothing fucking changes.",Personality disorder +51191,,Personality disorder +51779,"Anyone else have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings? I used to be quite eloquent when I was younger, despite not talking to anyone. I always had the right word or description for what I intended to say. If only I wasn’t an asshole and actually practiced conversation.. + +Not sure where it all started to escape me. Could be when my mental health went downhill, or when I got off my meds, or when I got high almost every day for a year. But nowadays it’s not uncommon for me to struggle to write simple sentences. Sending an email or text takes me way longer than it should. + +It really interferes when I’m trying to talk with others. So often I feel like I know what I want to say but the words are just out of reach, and instead of adding to the conversation I’m just like “yeah.. uuuh I feel you”",Personality disorder +50814,"Can denying my sexuality be a cause of AVPD? So few years back i got AVPD diagnosis. I am now trying to get out of this rut and fix things. Thing is: i have avoided everything all my life, even my feelings. So its hard. + +One thing i am thinking of past few days is that when i knew i was gay at 13 years old, i avoided thinking about it and refusing to accept my sexuality. I only came out once i was 19. So 6 years i was 'locked' in avoiding being who i am. I am in my 30s now and after a bad breakup been trying to figure my life out. + +Is it possible that being ' in the closet' for more then 6 years contribute in developing AVPD? As i notice i still dont accept my sexuality 100% and still think what people might think of it and reject me because of my sexuality. Thats what i did when i first figured out i was gay, thinking that my then friends would bully or reject me... + +Any other gay people here who can relate?",Personality disorder +51338,"DAE feel like a monster, constantly I feel like part of the reason I go out of my way not to make friends or date is because I have to protect them from myself. +Like, I put myself in their shoes and think “I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like me”, so I feel like I’m keeping them from being annoyed at best, or abused at worst. +I know, logically, that I’m not abusive. But I can’t shake this image of myself as an abusive monster. +This week I hurt someone’s feelings via miscommunication and it felt like, wow, I actually am evil and I’m validated in closing myself off to everyone. +It is so frustrating. I want to not be this way so badly.",Personality disorder +51087,"A poem I wrote in high school I was clearing out my apartment today and found this. In high school I sent it in to be posted anonymously in a yearly ‘book of poetry’ that my school made. To my horror, I found out later that it wasn’t anonymous. I had no idea what AvPD was then, but it is shockingly relatable to look back on now. Hard to post, but it feels important that I do. + +—————————- + +I want to be understood + +but cannot be vulnerable. + +*The one who shows their hand first loses.* + +- +Carve into me and leave your mark + +the first one to strike feels betrayed most + +The retaliation is serrated + +But I just wanted to know you + +without borders, without pain + +*I just wanted to know you* + +- +You like me if you can assort me, + +label me and pin me down + +*aggressive bitch, salty witch,* + +*innocent dreamer, batshit idealist.* + +You color me all kinds of elegant + +but when it comes down to it, + +I’m only an impressionist. + +- +I keep trying to break free of what comes naturally to me, + +find myself in the labels you offer me, + +*but the mirror image is fake and so am I* + +- +I want to feel myself without your hand in my definition.",Personality disorder +51563,"Fear is the death of potential, comfort it's instrument. Deep down, I'm still that poor, scared little boy who lost his confidence, beaten and humiliated and alone. So desperately alone + +Beyond that, and deeper, perhaps, is a skeleton where the man should be; held together by wishes and fantasies of what it means to be, of what it means to deserve, and the empty bravado and bloviations of a synthetic confidence made of air. + +Now, I can play the role of the confident man. I can laugh and smile and charm and begile and speak with an iron certainty that brooks no argument, and most would be tricked into thinking this is strength, but these are nothing more than the desperate, craven thrusts of defense - a pained and insecure theatre to hide my own inadequacy from inquiring eyes. + +I feel so worthless, so replaceable, so expendable. If I am not the absolute best, then how can I be valuable at all? How can someone not replace me? How can I feel secure within my relationship with others? + +Everywhere I look, I notice others better than me. People who are better looking, taller, smarter, with nicer bodies, and I cannot escape the realisation that these people could replace and take from me everything that I hold dear. + +I have an adoring girlfriend, but how long will that last? How can I trust in permanence when so many better than me exist? When the wheels of fate are always in motion, spinning towards a yet unknown destination? + +Every man man is my rival. Every man is better than me. I must be perfect, otherwise I am worthless. + +Somewhere along the way, during adolescence and early adulthood, fear gripped my heart. It squeezed and twisted me into submission, until I felt powerless to travel any road that was not certain and safe. + +In persuing safety, I was tricked into embracing comfort, which came for me in the from of constant daily drinking. + +For five years, I drank and drank and isolated, until I was emaciated, malnourished, alone, so desperately alone, wasted, pitiful, weak, hopeless, and broken. + +The indifference and apathy that was birthed by alcohol facilitied me leaving university, abandoning the future I had dreamed of since a small boy, and finally extinguishing the withering flame of hope that I did not know still existed inside of me. + +I slept on empty rum bottles, littering a dirty and dark floor in a small room. I seldom washed or showered or ate, and I only left the house to buy enough alcohol to fuel my two-letres-a-day rum habit. + +I was so alone, so desperately alone. + +I spent over half a year without any communication with others at all, and then only interacted with basic pleasantries in the couple of years that followed. + +Yet somehow, against all predictions, I stopped drinking. That was almost two years ago now. Since that moment, I have not faltered once, nor did I ever fear doing so. + +I was at rock bottom, I knew that I could not drink anymore. The realisation hit me suddenly, with force sufficient to stop me mid step, on my way to buy rum. A voice in my head, clear and confident and smooth, stated ""you can't do this anymore"", and thus, the decision to never drink again was made. And I cannot go against decisions already made, in the same way I cannot reverse the motion that broke a glass against the floor. + +From that moment, I have worked hard to build myself up from the creature I was. + +Now, on the precipice of achieving two years of uninterrupted sobriety, I have a new, respectable full-time job, I workout five times a week, I have a loving girlfriend, and yet I am haunted by the immutable weight of my own inadequacies and regrets. + +Everyone around me is more successful than I am. My girlfriend is currently on a buisness trip abroad, surrounded by other people of stature, significance, and importance. And what am I? An addict, a university dropout, and a worthless, talentless, static waste of life. + +I know that I cannot compare my life and success to others. Every person you meet has travelled a different path to yours, with different privillages and struggles, and a completely different set of potentials. I should only reflect on the life I have lived, judging my success by the progress I have made. I understand this, logically. It makes sense... Only, I cannot help but compare. I want to be more. So much more. I need to be more. + +I want to go back to university, but I fear I am not smart enough. I had no confidence in going in the first place, but it was a path I was on, so I did not dwell on the fear. Now, with the flow of this path disrupted, I cannot find within myself the confidence to take the plunge back into formal education. I am inert with doubt. + +Why is it I cannot move past my regrets? Why do I feel so inadequate?",Personality disorder +51826,,Personality disorder +51613,"It is surprising AvPD is not more common since most trauma is caused by other people: **physical assault** +**sexual abuse** +**childhood abuse** +**war and conflict** +**gang violence** +**witnessing someone being killed** +**terrorist events** +**torture** +**sequestration** +**homicide attempt** +**domestic abuse** +**emotional abuse** +**neglect** +**abandonment** +**school violence** +**discrimination** +accidents +serious health problems +the death of someone close and important +childbirth experiences, such as losing a baby +forced displacement +exposure to traumatic events at work +poverty",Personality disorder +51616,"now that i think about it, everytime ive become suicidal is because of other people my self confidence could not be any lower after years of rejection and not fitting in anywhere. + +i now realise if i just dont get involved with people ill be ok. + +its always been one step foward two steps back when i try to intergrate. + +can't be rejected and hurt if im on my own and thats starting to seem fine to me.",Personality disorder +51675,"Feel like a leech Sometimes a song stops me in my tracks and [this is one of them](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjxIuZVgjp8). + +My mother would tell me I’m exactly the same type of person as the lyrics of this song describe. She called me a sociopath, someone really sick in the head and not redeemable. That I tried to purposely ruin my family’s lives. Like I had a secret agenda that even I couldn’t know about. It’s been the foundation of all of my relationships with others, and helps explain why I get so nervous trying to get close with anyone. Trying to connect while thinking I’m secretly extremely evil and unlovable and that I’m taking advantage of everyone just by wanting to talk with them. That everything I say is actually ‘calculated’ and manipulative, despite me being unaware of this. That my side of the story isn’t just shameful and wrong, it’s *evil and vile.* + +Avoidant with BPD is contradictory hell. I’m hating closeness and trying to stay away but the other side of me is always getting too close in the relationships I can keep so they don’t leave me. I’m unbelievably stressed because I’m so close to disaster. I hate to vent to my best friend of several years because I feel like I’m being too greedy of her time. I feel like I’m “sucking off all the meat” of this relationship, taking up the space for my troubles, and then I don’t even improve. I know she’s going to leave when she discovers I’m actually a terrible person and that I don’t change. I can feel it creeping towards me and I want to die. + +I feel like she’s only my friend because she falsely believes I have potential. I feel like I’ve somehow manipulated her into thinking I’m a nice person. I feel like I’m so much worse than she thinks. I can’t understand why someone would care about me, other than they must be confused thinking of the wrong person. I can’t believe the situation I’m in. It happens every single time, and I never learn. + +I get her texts saying I need to try to get help and I just want to sink into the ground and die. I feel like I’ve done something really wrong and should stop talking to her. The answer is simple: stop avoiding therapy. Actually tell the therapist the truth. Everyone is sick of me including me.",Personality disorder +51106,why me? what did i do to deserve to be treated this way? why is everything wrong with me? why am i treated like an evil alien everywhere i go? how is it that everyone immediately determines that they dont like me and treat me badly? even when im nice to people im still hated. why me? ive been asking this since i was 12. i just don't understand. the pain is so deep it feels like i could die. i want to know what i did that is so wrong? its because i exist. thats why.,Personality disorder +51710,"Feeling down lately It was my birthday the other day and it was a bit depressing. I spent it in the house eating a frozen pizza (it was good though lol) I didnt really do anything besides that and eating some cheesecake (also good). I was hurt that nobody wanted to celebrate with me besides my mom + +I dont have many friends besides a few online friends, and lately i feel like they're distancing themselves from me and I deal with rejection sensitivity and along with the avpd I feel like its all eating away at me. When I see my friends talk to eachother or plan things without me, it honestly hurts me and makes me want to cry. My friend says everybody cares and loves me, but in my avpd brain its not true and that they all would be happy if i was out of their lives + +To make this worse, my therapist is moving soon and im scared i wont be able to find another therapist, especially someone as nice and understanding as them. She has helped me with a lot, and im scared i wont be able to find someone as nice and supportive as her. The last time i had a therapist who knew of my avpd, they screamed at me and said i couldnt be helped... + +This is all just making me feel hopelessly depressed and feeling rejected 🫠",Personality disorder +50761,"Out with friends for the first time in a long time.. can’t leave.. Went out with an old friend for her birthday in a city two hours away from where I live. + +Things were going well but I’m getting the feeling I annoyed everyone and no one wants to hear my voice anymore. I can’t excuse myself and go home, and I also feel rude saying I’m going to bed first. I’m the only single person here, and there’s so many years of bonding and inside jokes I’ve missed out on. + +You know when at the beginning of the night everyone seems happy to see you and laughs at your comments (if you’re your lucky), but then everyone slowly stops replying to you and distancing themselves from you as the night goes on. I also got overstimulated and frustrated very briefly (not at anyone in particular) but now I just feel like I overstayer my welcome. + +I’m stuck here until tomorrow morning when we go home, and I have no one to talk to because this girl I came with is my only friend. I feel like shrinking and making everyone forget I was ever here.",Personality disorder +50823,,Personality disorder +51039,"Do people get upset at you because you used to talk to them a lot then you stop talking to them? I talk to a lot of people sometimes then I get really exhausted and can’t keep up. Then I don’t want to talk to many people anymore. The people I end up not talking to anymore, some get really upset at me for not talking to me anymore, but they don’t tell me, so how am I supposed to know?",Personality disorder +51300,,Personality disorder +50935,"anyone else feel like isolation/constant lack of interaction is turning them into a hateful person? I mean, i do have various have mental issues but i think chronic isolation in particular is a big part of why I'm growing into such a bitter and hateful person. +Objectively, it's not really much of a problem because i'm alone all the time, so it's not like i'm being actively hateful or offensive towards others. But yeah, basically it seems that whenever i hear sth concerning other people (be it celebrities or strangers on the internet or whatever) i am either jealous or upset. these are my only reactions, i don't empathise anymore. + it's kinda starting to affect my beliefs as well but I'm aware that it's more of an emotional issue than anything and I don't plan on * being alive * for much longer so no need to worry about that",Personality disorder +51009,"Physical Pain One of the biggest issues I have these days is the pain I get whenever I enter a shame spiral ( several times daily to varying degrees). I've gotten used to numbing the emotional pain through different techniques but I find that my arms, hands and legs ache whenever this happens. I'd describe the pain as similar to the sensation gaining feeling back after being in the cold too long. Does anyone else have this problem, and if so do you have any tips for dealing with it? + +I wasn't able to find any recent posts asking this but apologize if this is a question that has already been asked.",Personality disorder +50887,"Is it okay to appear rude to others? I find it extremely anxiety inducing to be disliked, and appearing rude or non caring elicits this reaction from others. + +The funny thing is, I am continually, day after day, in my attempts not to appear this way, am this way. I don't give solid eye contact to others, mere glances, I hide myself away in plain sight with poor, meek body language, I carry myself without confidence to avoid interactions. + +All in vain attempts of appearing, in my delusional mind, 'nice'. It is so self destructive, you essentially let people walk over you, ignore you, in some desire to be liked. By people who dislike you, will come to dislike you as a result of your behaviours, or simply horrible people who you wouldn't want to like you. + +Let me give an example, of what I'm thinking. + +You're shopping for groceries, you want to look at a shelf which is currently occupied by someone else, you need something on that shelf, like a tin of food or something. Usually I will see this and think 'oh my god, don't want them to know I need something there' heavens forbid if they see me, what will they think? So I quickly change direction and pretend to look at other items until they move. +So, instead, why not stand in their shadow, and wait patiently, let your presence be seen, in an ideal world, ask them to make space if you know exactly what you need but that would come when you're more confident? So yes, stand next to them, and don't budge, just let them know non verbally, you're waiting. + +Another example, you're at the cashier, they're doing your items, I always look everywhere but where I need to look, I lose focus on what I should be looking at, which is the items I'm paying for, the cashiers eyes in case they're trying to communicate something. And what if they say something, small talk for instance, well maybe I'm not in the mood to pursue further small talk, so why not just give closed answers, why do I feel the need to fill the silences, to say whatever I can to appear 'normal'. I come across as flustered, shy, unconfident, I see it in their faces, they see the fear, they see the disgust on my face believing I'm a wrongin or something but it's really just negativity brewing inside of me of being in such a anxiety inducing situation that causes these expressions on my face, then they mirror it. And I think awful things about myself. +So why not stay calmer, speak slower, not try and have a positive small talk experience, just take things at my own pace. Otherwise I leave feeling utterly embarrassed, ashamed, and the next time I shop there and there my cashier they're going to hate that I'm there. As opposed to being more stoic and less nervously chatty. + +I'm rambling a bit, losing focus on my words, sorry but some of that probably doesn't make sense. I hope you get the type of rude I'm talking about. It's not purposefully being rude. It's more, being true to yourself, being comfortable in your own body and standing up to be counted as an equal. Something I avoid. + +Any ideas or experiences, suggestions on these niche topic please?",Personality disorder +50666,"I dream that someone would adopt me. I'm 23 years old. + +I hope everyday that someone else than my mom would see me, find something they like about me and decide to brush me off and give me a piece of shelter. + +I've been through too much shit to start over with my family and I just want to feel like I matter and I can make a difference.",Personality disorder +51037,"Just a warning. But don't stop taking your meds. Hello, just want to share my experience. Please watch out with using meds long term. +Especially benzos. + +If you need meds you need meds. No doubts. But most meds don't heal. They're a temporary solution. + +I compare benzos to alcohol.. Very effective for anxiety. Strange comparison? No, they both make things worse in the long term. A benzo addiction is one of the worst addictions you can have. +My psychiatrist putted me on them for 5 years daily. In didn't knew better 15 years ago. No internet... Very irresponsible from him. + +The withdrawals are insane. I never experienced something like that. Even more harsh compared to hard drugs (well,benzos are a hard drug). And I did a lot of drugs in the past. I learned from it. 15 years ago I said for every problem there's a pill. Can you imagine that? I was delusional and unaware. + +There's not a magic pill or drug. Sorry I have to say this. +Maybe I'm saying well known things. +But use benzos with caution. 4 weeks at max... Or 2 times a week. Otherwise you're in for a very unpleasant surprise that can ruin your life. + +But yeah... I'm not a doc...and don't stop taking your meds cause you're reading this. Talk about it with a professional. Ask advice. Do research about the meds you're taking. +Meds can help a lot. But not long term. Long term a big no go.",Personality disorder +50904,"How do you make therapy work? I don’t know what to do in therapy, we usually just sit there in silence as my therapist does “grounding exercises” (saying things like notice the things around you, your breaths, all your senses etc) to help with my anxiety and then she asks the dreaded question: “What do you want to work on today?” Like hell if I know, even when I do know I won’t say it cause of my anxiety. I told her about my anxiety and possible AVPD which we’ve been “learning about” together (even though it’s information I already know but honestly at least we’re doing something). I want to get deep into my trauma, my mentality, my thought processes, who I am, just everything about what caused this hell but I feel like we’re getting nowhere because my therapist doesn’t bring us anywhere. It’s like asking a blind man for directions. I tried telling her that I like it when she leads the conversation which she has been trying, but in the end she’s not leading enough. I know in therapy a therapist shouldn’t lead and let the patient control their session but honestly I just wish someone would ask me a bunch of very leading “harsh” to the point questions with no way out so I can talk about my feelings without feeling guilty and selfish or embarrassed. + +&#x200B; + +I know nobody is probably going to answer, but in the minuscule chance that you do, you have my Eternal thanks and appreciation.",Personality disorder +51575,"Which fictional character resonates with you the most? Which character can you relate to the most and feels like they truly embody your personal experience? + +I'll go first and say, so far, it's probably Elsa of Frozen for me.",Personality disorder +50936,"I can‘t do it anymore, I‘m alone with my struggles and it has reached a point where it‘s only suffering Unfortunately I don’t really have someone I can tell this so this will be my venting space right now. The only thing currently holding me alive is my family. If they didn’t care and love me I would have kms years ago. But now I really wish they’d just abandon me and stop caring because I really don’t want to live anymore. Really I hate to say this but their love just makes it worse. + + +What do I owe them? But yeah the thought of how they‘d react if I did it is so bad that it currently holds me back. I do have ""friends"" but they either never reach out to me or if they do it’s in a context of meeting as a group and that happens like 2 times a year. + + +Some of those people do stuff together I came to know but not once was I asked to join. And I have a ""best friend"" who‘s just weird. Idk why I even call him my best friend, maybe because I know him since 19 years and we did stuff together… he as well never reaches out by himself and when I do, almost always declines/ is busy. On those rare occasions we meet I never get asked a question. No one ever showed interest in me besides my ex girlfriend but that’s another story. + + + +I don’t really have a perspective. Because I was lazy/ struggled in school as a teen I hold a diploma which is almost useless. Can’t study, but don’t want to do the soul crushing labor I did before. + + + + +If I want to change something about my situation I would need to put in tons of effort but my batterys empty, I can’t charge it no more and no one gives me a new one",Personality disorder +51248,"I will soon be kicked out of the apartment And I don't know what to do :/ I have some little money and currently have a remote job but I maybe will loose it soon, maybe next month (they're not firing me, just due to circumstances they may or may not close the studio, it's not clear yet). Probably I can rent for a few months, but everything is so overpriced, so I'm not sure. And it's middle of winter. So anxious right now. +I tried to look for a job online, but didn't find anything (there's nothing irl, cause I live in small shithole town and I probably won't be hired that way anyway). But I didn't actually try hardly to find anything, just sitting on my ass, procrastinating. Don't even have any friends or even acquaintances, so.. 💀",Personality disorder +51091,"Anyone here with AvPD from Toronto or Gta? If so, I would love to meet up and talk about our sorrows together. I’m generally very scared of people but I think meeting up with another person who suffers from the same issues would be a comforting experience.",Personality disorder +50922,useless attraction I discovered that I was bisexual a few years ago but recently I have been feeling like it is useless for me to even claim that identity because how am I going to be attracted by everyone but also feel unable to be intimately close to anyone and can't imagine myself in a successful relationship. To me it feels like a useless discovery idk,Personality disorder +51690,"Storytime... Hey, so... I've made some realizations in the shower as I do what most of us do and plan out the conversations I'll be having in two weeks because I know it's going to happen and I need to be ready or I'll just clam up and nothing is going to happen. We've all been there, most of us are still there, let's talk about what I'm thinking about in this little vent sesh. + +Alright, so I was showering, thinking about how akward it's going to be when I tell my friends some secrets. Wow! I know, sharing secrets! It freaking sucks! + +So basically, I'm part of a church group, and these people are closer to me than my family because I don't like/trust my family and being around them is stressful. These friends that I hang out with all the time are my safe place and they make me feel...happy really. + +Though I don't share everything, these people are genuine and kind, and they always make me feel safe. It's just that, I am going on a mission trip with them this summer. Going to Africa, and it took them months to convince me to come with them. I still don't like the idea of going, but knowing that I'll be with them the entire time makes me feel much better. Besides, I used to fly a lot so the plane ride will be pretty nostalgic for me. + +So, as part of going on the trip, I have to do a few things. One thing that I have to do is research a topic on one part of the trip and give a presentation to oir team (9 people including me). I trust, love, and feel safe with everyone on this team, and all but one of them have been my closest friends for almost 2 years now. I couldn't ask for better friends. + +Anyways, the presentation I'm giving is in two weeks and I'll be discussing the entertainment part of the trip. Basically, I just have to research what kind of entertainment there is where we're going and make a small (mostly funny) slideshow. It doesn't even have to last 5 minutes, but honestly...this presentation is the least of my anxieties in this mess. + +Another thing that I'm going to have to do is share my testimony. That is essentially a summarized version of your life story. I'll have to talk about my troubles, my past, my family, all of it. And these are my friends, they'll know if I'm holding back. But it scares me so much! Half of them don't actually know I have avpd! They just know that I've been going to therapy for a while and that I started taking medicine. Though, the medicine is kind of iffy really. + +Anyways, I'm super anxious about it, especially since I did something similar last year, but that was at the height of my emotional suppression. This time last year, I was so empty and emotionless. But of course, nobody knew. I was always masking my emotions and faking a smile. I didn't even know I was doing it, and when I gave my testimony for last year's mission, it was incomplete and full of holes. I talked about my lack of friends, but I was blind to the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and siblings because I had convinced myself that I was just weak and that my pain was normal and even less than what everyone else had to go through. + +But it's not like that, that's not how I should think about my past pain. It took so long for my friends to break my barriers, but they managed to do that and convince me to go to therapy. + + I'm much better now, but I'm also not suppressing my emotions. It was really hard at first because everything just hurt so much and it overwhelmed me. One moment I was putting on a face to fool everyone into thinking I was okay, but as soon as I was behind closed doors, I was hurting myself and cursing the world for letting my life be the way it was. + +The fact that I have to go and tell my friends how I've been feeling over the last year is overwhelming, but I am not allowed to go on this mission unless I share my testimony. It's only fair though, everyone of us is sharing our testimony, no matter how much it hurts, we're going to be here for each other. + + +If you've actually read this far, I just want to say thank you. You're a special type of person, and whoever is in your life is truly lucky to know someone like you. And if they don't understand that, then know that I am thanking you for the kindness you have done for me just by reading this. Thank you.",Personality disorder +50995,"Has ""tough love"" ever worked on any of you? My family is a very ""tough love"" type of family. As far back as I can remember, my parents and sister have tried to get me to change my bad ways/habits through ""tough love"", but all the problems they would try to use it for are still with me, so it clearly has never worked. Just as an example of what I mean, my dad would give me ""tough love"" in the form of telling me no one would ever want to be my friend or hire me if I continued to be a fat slob (true). And the other week my sister came over to the apartment and told me that I wasn't being cute or quirky by almost never cleaning, I'm an adult and need to start acting like one, it is extremely embarrassing at this point, etc (also true). But even though I know these things are true, hearing people phrase it like ""hard truths"" I'm just too dense to grasp doesn't make me want to change for the better. It makes me want to go home, put a gun in my mouth, and pull the trigger because to my family I come off as such a complete moron that they need to tell me obvious shit I already know. + +I am wondering if this type of ""tough love"" is actually helpful for anyone, especially people with avpd, because in my experience hearing people judge me like that just drives me to start spiraling down. It's like it really does solidify the fact that I am so worthless compared to actual human beings that they always have to talk down to me, and my relationship with others always has to be me getting scolded even well into my adult years. But everyone keeps touting ""tough love"" as if it's some magic cure-all that will make someone instantly snap out of whatever undesireable thing they're doing.",Personality disorder +51812,"just turned to my coworker and talked one day i've always been in awe of people who can just start talking. every time i think 'i could say this!' it's immediately dogpiled with other thoughts. the self hating ones. i don't have it in me to list them right now, but if you're reading this, unfortunately you probably know what i mean. + +anyway. i was heading out for my break on saturday, and i got my marlboros out of my locker. (smoking is bad, i know). i bought them off a friend of a friend who stocked up on her trip to italy. so i turned to my coworker (notoriously one of if not the most outgoing in our little crew), and said ""hey, check these out."" and i showed him the picture of the blackened lung on the carton, and we kind of joked about how fucked up it is that those kinds of health warnings are the norm in other countries, but not here (USA). + + i don't really know what was different this time. it must have been a beneficial glitch, because i haven't shown that degree of spontaneity since, especially not while 100% sober. + +it was nothing. and the self hating thoughts came right after. but once those settled a bit, it was nice. + +thanks so much for reading, i just wanted to ramble as always.",Personality disorder +51229,,Personality disorder +51802,"You're actually all great people and this subreddit is living proof. I've been on this subreddit for a good period of time now and it's quite an active one with several posts every day and pretty much all of them receive a response of some sort whether it's about people asking for advice or venting. + +There's no toxicity. There's no arguing. There's just empathy and help. + +So I just want to say that although living with AvPD can be a painful existence that eats away at our self-esteem, I appreciate all of you for making this subreddit such a great space.",Personality disorder +51631,"AvPD and Psychedelics Does anyone have any experience with psychedelics? I've personally never done them, but I feel like they could possibly be useful in treating non-curable disorders like AvPD (in a guided session with a certified therapist). I've read about the dissolution of ego people some times experience during psychedelic trips and it seems like that would be helpful for AvPD.",Personality disorder +51100,"Urge to start over I wish i could just disappear. Like literally go missing, start a new life somewhere far away from here, never come back, have everyone who knows me currently think that i have died. I feel stuck",Personality disorder +51209,,Personality disorder +51204,"Birthday Party It's my birthday tomorrow. My family wants to throw a party for me and my twin brother. They said to invite our friends and they'll invite the rest of the family and our cousins we haven't seen in a while. My brother doesn't have AVPD, all his friends are coming. I had a friend but I avoided him, I have no one to invite.It's my birthday tomorrow, and I'm feeling like doing some avoidant shit.🥳",Personality disorder +51273,"Went to school today to get a confirmation that I will be dropping out, principal scoffed at my situation. My teacher already told me that it's impossible for me to continue the next semester. I already know that, but she told me it needs to come from the principal itself for confirmation. So we went to him just for the confirmation. Now the principal went on and on about me coming to him begging for a second chance... Which i didn't. I just went there for a confirmation. I already know they're not gonna give me a second chance. I didn't come there to beg. + +He then went on about how I don't really have anxiety, because if I do have anxiety, I would have found a way, apparently he knows because he has anxiety too. The thing is, I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY. AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER IS DIFFERENT FROM ANXIETY. He then said I'm just making excuses and I just got lazy. + +I'm not asking them for second chances, I know right from the start they are not gonna accept me anymore, but I don't appreciate them making fun of my shitty mental health. That's the thing with this disorder, we literally avoid things to the point where it affects our whole life. + +He was acting like i went to his office crying and kneeling down begging to give me a second chance, he said ""I know why you came here, to ask for a second chance"", when I literally just sat in front on his desk and agreed that they can't give me another chance. I wouldn't have come if I knew he was gonna make fun of my disorder. I only came because my teacher said it needed to come from him for it to be final. Now everyone thinks I'm just making shit up. It also doesn't help that my country doesn't have a GED. + +I wonder what their faces would look like if I killed myself? Wouldn't it be funny? They make fun of my mental illness and then the next day they get the news that I killed myself?",Personality disorder +51678,"My first therapy appointment in a long time I have had bad luck with therapists in the past but decided to try again. I am mainly going to overcome a fear of driving. I have driven before back as a teenager and the process was going well but there were some things that happened that then hindered it. Before in therapy, I didn't have specific goals and I don't think that helped.",Personality disorder +51717,"My future feels so hopeless. I'm 28 years old, my resume is useless, haven't worked in 2 years, and I am very avoidant of the world Hi there. I have been depressed since I was 12 years old. I am now 28. I also struggle with BPD, social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder, afraid to leave the house by myself, reliant on my 66 year old mother to pay my medical insurance, and my husband is working full time barely keeping us afloat. I have tried and tried to work. Several different fields. Even part time. It always ended up in burn out and felt more depressed and anxious so I had to quit. I am worried, I feel my future is really hopeless. I love my husband so much. We wanted to have a family and it's feeling like that won't happen because of my mental health and the low money thing. I am afraid he will abandon me because of all this though deep down really don't feel like he will because he has been here through everything. + +I know that is so much. That is definitely something to be grateful for. But we fight a good bit because we're both so stressed out. + +Nothing really brings me happiness except substances, (and that leads to bad feelings when it wears off or sometimes when on them) and I've been mostly sober for a year. + +I see a therapist. I take medications. I just... I am not content in life. I am constantly worried about everything. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and my husband deserves someone more stable that he doesn't essentially have to be a caregiver to at times. I stay in bed about 70% of my days because I feel like things are so hard to do and feel so pointless. + +I don't have many friends and live in a small town, so there aren't any meetup groups or anything. And since I don't work and am not in school, no opportunities to make many friends. I do have one so I can try to branch out with her friends maybe. It feels like life is just about working. And I feel so depressed by the state of everything, and by my worries that things won't improve in the future. + +Things don't get better. Not if you don't work for them. And I have worked, I've tried so many treatments, but the one thing I rarely do is go out in the world. + +And I don't know if I can do that without a lot of help that I don't know if I can find. + +Please if you can relate at all, or have any advice, please please respond. <3 I'm desperate.",Personality disorder +51591,"Self-diagnosis for this, what do you think? Obviously I think therapy is extremely important this, but I also think it's one of those things that can be self-diagnosed. With the age of the internet, it's easy to get into the mode of self-diagnosis, whether it be for physical or mental illness. But, I feel emotionally struck by this, it's not a fun thing or something that feels relatable, it strikes me to the core and I don't want it to. I don't want this to be the reality, but it resonates so much more than social anxiety disorder ever did. I'm not saying that a feeling is an indicator of the truth, but I've read a lot about it and continuously have tried to think of ways in which I may not, but it fits so well. Beyond on the symptoms, I've dung into the roots, the commo thought patterns, behaviors, etc. It's not something I feel will pull me down or become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because as painful as it's been to learn about, it's something I feel refreshed by, in having language to explain my experiences and perception of myself. I thought I was self aware before, but I had a lot of false beliefs and I also have a tendency to detach from my unhealthy and hurtful behaviors.",Personality disorder +51514,"Honestly, do you think the label “AvPD” does you more harm than good? **TLDR;** My therapist says labels might be helpful/empowering for some but might have a negative effect on others. There’s debates about this in the mental health community. It is in fact harmful for me so, I have decided to stop seeking diagnosis for now. + +_________________________________ + +Recently my therapist told me how mental health labels might help some but have a negative effect on some. + +This discussion started when I requested a written diagnosis from her. + +In my case after discussing labels with her, I was able to come to the conclusion that I tend to dehumanise myself because of the label. + +I treat myself as “diseased” or “nuisance” and often feel bad for not being as good as “normal” people. + +There’s a whole debate even in the mental health community about labels and how sometimes mental health professionals might misuse it. + +So for now, I’ve stopped seeking out a diagnosis. But what about you? **Do you think the “AvPD” label helps you?** + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10o854w)",Personality disorder +51795,"Please tell me I’m not the only one? When people get to know me, I’m actually very loud. Almost obnoxiously loud as in I’d be embarrassed if I acted that way around random people😂 And I sometimes wonder if I’m avoidant because of the fact that deep down I’m just an obnoxiously loud person and somehow I’ve decided being avoidant keeps my life easier. Less drama, no risk of annoying people. But then I also wonder if maybe in reality I’m just loud sometimes to make up for the way too many times I’ve kept everything inside? Idk but that leads me to another question. How can you truly heal from your problems when it would require getting rid of coping mechanisms held in place all your life? + +I should add I’m generally a very quiet person.",Personality disorder +51803,"I make people uncomfortable My presence makes others uncomfortable and i can feel it. There's this awkwardness. Whenever I need to go out and i have to interact with others or when I'm with my own family, i feel it. And i know that awkwardness is because of me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know some will say it's in your head but no i really feel like my presence is just uncomfortable to be around. You know sometimes people can sense things? People can sense when you're sad or in my case, uncomfortable in social interactions so they pick up on that and they aren't used to that so then everything becomes uncomfortable. I don't like this feeling.",Personality disorder +51367,"I'm literally too awkward for therapy I'm doing CBT and my therapist always asks me what I'm thinking and all I can say is ""I don't know"" because my mind always goes blank. I can't articulate my emotions either and don't even know what I want in life. + +Today we did an exercise where I was supposed to have a ""conversation"" between my ""critical voice"" and my ""confident voice"". I told her I'm extremely uncomfortable doing it and she said it's fine we don't have to but I wanted to try it anyways. I could think of hundreds of things I hate about myself but not a single thing I liked about myself. It was so awkward sitting there and not saying a positive thing. My therapist even asked me if I'm having any suicidal thoughts afterwards, that's how bad I must have looked. When I looked in her eyes she seemed clueless, like she's never seen anyone that bad and has no idea how to help me. + +I don't believe my problems are something I can fix by just changing the way I think about myself. I am not an interesting person. I'm not an attractive person. I just feel like there's nothing of value about me and people find me repulsive.",Personality disorder +51017,"DAE feel like nobody will ever love you? And before well meaning people jump in to say that I ""can't know that for sure"", or that ""there's someone for everyone""... please note that it will not make me feel better. Don't undermine my suffering, please. + + +People don't fall in love with someone who's a shell of a person, unable to function and express themselves. They don't become friends with ""people"" like me. +But without human connection, you are not able to grow up. You are left a forever lonely, lost child in a slowly decaying body. + + +There's only so much ""healing"" a person without a support system can do on their own. It's excruciating, and humiliating, constantly feeling like you're worse than everyone around you, a cruel parody on a living creature.",Personality disorder +51657,"Being a ghost would be my ideal form of existence. I really enjoy watching people live their lives, listening indirectly to their conversations while in public, being an observer of events etc. My problem is having to interfere on the world, I hate having to talk and to do things that will have consequences in it. I wish I could just watch life like a tv show or as if I was a ghost, in a way that no one could see me, nothing would be expected of me and I wouldn't need to worry because I would be certain of it. I could just contemplate the world in peace. + +Some of you guys may have watched Euphoria and I definitely feel a connection with the description made about Lexi, how she felt like she was an just observer and that her life was not really her life, just some sort of play or movie. + +These days I been having the classic ""I want to leave all behind and live in the woods with just a dog"" idea and daydreams, and I guess that a big part of it is because I feel like there I could be like this, or at least similar enough. Be an observer of nature, never having to deal with socialization again, only brief interactions for, let's say, buy necessary stuff from other people (which I don't mind). I know this isn't realistic for my context and also that it probably wouldn't be this magical thing, but it's a fantasy that brings me satisfaction. + +I guess I'm just burned out of people. A lot of bad things happened in my relational and social life since childhood till last year and I'm really bitter about it right now. Of course I want to find real connection, where I could be myself openly and comfortably, but because it always goes wrong and brings disappointments I'm really hopeless at this point and honestly kinda angry. I don't have patience for people anymore, I'm tired, I'm being judgy as hell and I'm activelly avoiding new people.",Personality disorder +51794,"Just wonder if people have heard of hypersensitivity. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP but I realized I was being super sensitive for awhile now. I think this is when I started to realize my AvPD. I was talking to my former therapist a couple of months back and she told me about it. Her friend had become disabled and was being hypersensitive. + +I think a lot of this comes from trauma. Also doesn’t help when people aren’t really compassionate in general. I don’t really have much advice but try to heal from traumas. I’ve been doing that alot more lately. It took a really long time but I feel less stuck now.",Personality disorder +51107,,Personality disorder +51028,"Anyone else dealing with addiction or substance abuse? I want to better understand the relationship to addiction in this group. Non-substance related (behavioral) addictions included. Please participate!! +I hope you’re having a good day :P + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11gdlet)",Personality disorder +51796,"Can't make a single phone call? I was told to phone call someone but I cant even make myself! I'm literally about to tell them I'm incapable of talking to people and make myself even more pathetic! +Wtf should I do? They will just tell me meaningless things for an hour which I have no solution to.My phobia is getting worse and worse ! +I'm also starting to have some anger outbursts which rarely happen but I think I will snap! And it is not even that big of deal.",Personality disorder +51286,"Do you guys wish you were rich(er)? If yes, what do you wish you had the money to do?",Personality disorder +50775,"Has therapy ever worked for you I’ve tried counselling and schema therapy but it always ended the same way as i realise talking doesn’t solve deep mental issues, but I’ve seen cbt and dbt therapys and wounded if anybody has any experiences with it and was it beneficial.",Personality disorder +50707,"New to the community/diagnosis Hey all, +I was just diagnosed with AvPD yesterday (along with some other things), and to be honest, I still feel a little shell shocked. I'm still learning more about the diagnoses obviously, but I wanted to ask what tips or lessons the community has for a newbie like me. What do you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed? I've been working on overhauling my brain for a few years, and I want to avoid falling into a trap where I just give up before I can fail (as it is my tendency to do).",Personality disorder +50841,"I haven't been diagnosed yet I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD but I think I may have this disorder. I was always an anxious child then in my teens I started taking panic attacks before any social situation but mainly before going to school, so I stopped going to school I just avoided it. I'm now nearly 30 and I've never held down a job for more than a couple of weeks and have dropped out of a few college courses due to having bad attendance. I feel like I now avoid anything that causes me the tiniest bit of stress by not leaving my house, sleeping and not letting anyone know about it. I then get really depressed and disappointed in my self. It just feels like an endless cycle of me not showing and getting down about. + +I'm just wondering how AvPD affects others and if there is anyone from the UK suffering from AvPD +Thanks",Personality disorder +51333,"I think my social phobia is causing my job hunt procrastination I've been made redundant from my last 3 jobs, the last one being extremely traumatic. I've had many extremely close friendships end. I was abused and bullied my entire childhood by peers and family. Now, I can barely look people in the eye and can't say hello or respond to small talk in work environments because it induces so much anxiety about being hated and misunderstood. I avoid texting/responding to messages because people used to say I was annoying and replied too much. If we're looking at the evidence, everything points to me being a fundamentally unlikeable and hated person. I used to be fantastic at short bursts of social interactions, but smoked cannabis non stop to be able to do so. People liked my stoned/drunk persona more than sober me, and now that I'm sober I feel utterly terrified of interacting with anyone. I can't even answer the door for food deliveries. + +I need a job to be able to afford medical treatment, but I always get stuck at the cover letter aspect because I feel like as soon as people get to know me, they start to hate me. Most of my work experience has been in customer service or sales based roles, but I hated every role I've ever done. I dedicated my academic years to studying medicine and law but had to drop out of uni to heal some trauma and I haven't returned since. + +I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and stuck and my rejection sensitivity is through the roof. I'm so ashamed of my failures and obvious shortcomings that it feels impossible to try to sell myself to a job.",Personality disorder +51374,"Liking someone I wanna know how other people with AvPD are when you like someone/have a crush? + +Personally I find it very painful. I wonder if I feel too strongly, the feeling is intense and I don’t know how normal that is. Not talking to the person I like feels more painful than it should be. Maybe it’s an AvPD thing? I’ve heard it can be like this for people with BPD. I have several BPD traits and I’m not too sure how it works, but maybe that’s why I feel like this?",Personality disorder +51200,"How does one with AvPD even begin to entertain the idea of being in a romantic relationship? To me the idea of being in a relationship like that is the ultimate danger as the level of intimacy in that dynamic is as high as it can possibly be in life. It is just hard to comprehend myself being able to deal with something like that because the fear is overwhelming. For this reason this is one of the hardest things for me to work on despite making inroads in other respects. + +I have learned to personally engage with people in a platonic way, although I have a sort of mental dissonance that keeps most social interactions at a superficial level. But it seems like that is not a possibility with romance, which is why I have not been able to adapt or understand how to even go about it. This is why like many other posts I have come across on here, I have virtually no experience at 27. + +I'm wondering how others have even begun to be able to make an effort to seek one or even be in one as the possibility of rejection and having to be emotionally open is amplified. I realize that avpd obviously is an individualized experience and other social dynamics might be more difficult for others and this is not me saying that I believe those in relationships are lying about their diagnosis of course. It's just moreso that I have a difficult time relating and understanding how you guys who have succeeded in this have made this progress.",Personality disorder +50940,"My strange two-sided life Hi I'm (25 M) new to to this subreddit and also to Reddit. I am not diagnosed with AvPD so far but I am able to relate to almost all the posts here. My parents are loving but the rest of the family on my dad's side is fucked up. My dad and his siblings are all suffering from some or the other disorder (Not all are diagnosed though because no one takes mental health seriously in my family). Everyone's super self-centred to the core. But it is the exact opposite on my mom's side. All of my mom's siblings, cousins and their kids get along great, while I feel like an outsider. + +I was terribly bullied in middle school because I reflected the behaviour I saw back at home. Also because I had started watching porn. This went on for a few years. I learnt to build a shell around my myself to prevent people from seeing my true self. This shell has hardened to such an extent that nobody, I repeat, nobody has access to the person within. I have since been the ""mature"" kid in school and focussed primarily on academics. I made it to one of the best universities in my home country. + +A couple of years into university, I realised that I had a lot of ""friends"" but there was no one I could truly call a ""close"" friend. No one knew anything about me. I ""collaborated"" with a lot of people, both academically and in extracurricular activities but never got close enough to anyone. At that time I didn't think much of it, mainly because I was doing ""well"" according to the norm. I bagged some great internships and a well-paying job right out of college. + +Interestingly, this did not seem to affect my job. I performed exceptionally well and received great reviews, both in the technical and interpersonal front. But as you might have guessed it already, no one knew me out of work. Again, I ignored this and remained focussed on my work. + +Then I decided to go for a master's and got accepted into one of the top graduate schools in the US. I have completed a term here. I started noticing this problem again during my first term after meeting and talking to people. It's not like I can't come up with things to talk about, but everything seems very superficial. There is no intimacy in any of the conversations. Also it feels like people behave differently when they talk to me. + +I am not really interested in people's life and it is extremely exhausting to pretend otherwise. What's sad is that from the outside it looks as though I'm doing great and living the best life. There are people that look up to me and dream to achieve what I have achieved. But no one knows the truth, not even my parents. + +This post is the most candid I have ever been in my life. I don't reveal anything about myself to anyone. I have never been in a relationship and at this rate I'm afraid I will never be. I want to turn my life around before it's too late. I'm not sure how my family would react to therapy. I don't have enough money to fund it myself. + +To end this vent, the details I have added in this post are not intended for bragging. I totally understand that people have suffered worse. Those are just to emphasize what an absolutely perfect, two-sided mess my life has become.",Personality disorder +50670,"Alameda by Elliott Smith and AvPD I’m not saying Elliott had AvPD, but as an AvPD-sufferer I feel like the lyrics in this songs fits to a lot of what’s going on in my life. I’m constantly guarding myself against other people’s love («your protection over their affection»), and basically alienating myself from them («Nobody broke your heart. You broke your own, cause you can’t finish what you start»).",Personality disorder +51181,"Is it petty to treat someone the same way they treat you? Recently I noticed I was people pleasing too hard, and decided to try a little less. I was too clingy; was the one to wait after class to go together, was the one to write first, etc. My friend usually doesn't do the same, and as someone with rejection sensitivity, predictably it hurt. +So when I stopped trying so hard, my friend seemed hurt. She said something about me not waiting for her like I usually do. +Admittedly, it felt good to finally let go a little and have some self-respect. But I also feel so bad for being kinda... petty. I don't think she did all this on purpose, because overall she is a really good and caring friend. Maybe I just frustrated her with being too clingy in the past?",Personality disorder +51841,"I haven't been diagnosed yet I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD but I think I may have this disorder. I was always an anxious child then in my teens I started taking panic attacks before any social situation but mainly before going to school, so I stopped going to school I just avoided it. I'm now nearly 30 and I've never held down a job for more than a couple of weeks and have dropped out of a few college courses due to having bad attendance. I feel like I now avoid anything that causes me the tiniest bit of stress by not leaving my house, sleeping and not letting anyone know about it. I then get really depressed and disappointed in my self. It just feels like an endless cycle of me not showing and getting down about. + +I'm just wondering how AvPD affects others and if there is anyone from the UK suffering from AvPD +Thanks",Personality disorder +51761,"Out with friends for the first time in a long time.. can’t leave.. Went out with an old friend for her birthday in a city two hours away from where I live. + +Things were going well but I’m getting the feeling I annoyed everyone and no one wants to hear my voice anymore. I can’t excuse myself and go home, and I also feel rude saying I’m going to bed first. I’m the only single person here, and there’s so many years of bonding and inside jokes I’ve missed out on. + +You know when at the beginning of the night everyone seems happy to see you and laughs at your comments (if you’re your lucky), but then everyone slowly stops replying to you and distancing themselves from you as the night goes on. I also got overstimulated and frustrated very briefly (not at anyone in particular) but now I just feel like I overstayer my welcome. + +I’m stuck here until tomorrow morning when we go home, and I have no one to talk to because this girl I came with is my only friend. I feel like shrinking and making everyone forget I was ever here.",Personality disorder +51232,,Personality disorder +51732,"Just venting Wanna preface this by saying that I'm not diagnosed nor do I self-diagnose. It's just that I can relate to some of the symptoms and people here, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings. + +I feel insane sometimes. I feel really neurotic, paranoid, insecure, and immature sometimes. When I don't think about memories or people that upset me, I'm fine. These past few months I've been slowly recovering from this horrible depression that's plagued me for a while, but in these past few days it's been returning as I start thinking about these bad memories again. + +I feel traumatized and like I'm a victim of something I can't understand. Like I'm alone in this pain. The thing is that my ""trauma"" is really just a dozen or so bad interactions I had in my old circle of friends. In particular, there was this one person who I had a handful of unpleasant interactions with. These were mostly brief exchanges that shouldn't have affected me as much as they did, but they felt really, sincerely resentful and unwarranted. What did I do? I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and nobody did for me. + +This person lashed out at me, calling me insecure and afraid a couple of times, and said some horrible things about people with my disability. They're ableist and, honestly, that group as a whole was too. Not out of malicious intent but ignorance. + +This person wasn't wrong, but the way they treated me didn't help. Seeing those criticisms mirrored by others a couple of times made me feel even more weak, because I knew I was being talked about behind my back. And when I did eventually see how this person talked about me behind my back, it felt nasty and unwarranted. + +Still though, it feels so fucking stupid man. I don't know why I let this hurt me. It's been months since I stopped talking to those friends, a few years since those bad exchanges occured, and it still affects me. I never met a person who exhibited such resentment for me in my life, seemingly for no justifiable reason. It really hurt my self-esteem and it still does. + +When I think about those friends for too long I start to say things like ""I wanna die"" to myself, like a tic. It's so stupid and I feel like a horrible person for this. For feeling such disproportionate hurt over a dozen or so bad memories. When I don't think about this stuff I begin to feel more ""normal"" again though. + +Sorry that this is so long but I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. If not, sorry for wasting your time. I hope this isn't considered off-topic since I'm undiagnosed. But yeah, I feel really pathetic about this side of myself. Maybe I'm just highly neurotic, I don't know. I just wish I could understand what's wrong with me.",Personality disorder +51492,"Nobody takes an interest in me, so I stopped taking an interest in myself For as long as I can remember, all my friendships have been due to me taking the initiative. Asking the other person about their life and making plans. If I stop doing this, I stop having friends. + +I wonder what this says about me. The only thing that comes to mind when facing this fact is ""Am I that reprehensible?"". And I know that sounds like I am expecting things of people but isn't a friendship supposed to be a 2-way street? + +I feel so crushingly lonely when I think about all this. There's this video from Kurzgesagt about loneliness and in that they say that the feeling of loneliness has the evolutionary purpose of saving you from the threat of being excluded from the tribe. If these were the days when humans lived in tribes I would basically be deemed to not be worthy of survival. + +Every friendship that starts has so much at stake for me. I can't face another one-sided thing. It's such a slap in the face, like I'm not worth knowing. Which is why I avoid investing myself in anything nowadays. + +These strings of continuous unreciprocated experiences have left me incapable of taking care of myself. Everything I do for myself feels not worth doing. Even talking about myself feels like a waste of time. If I try so hard to be part of the world and it rejects me, why should I care to survive at all?",Personality disorder +51848,"Conversations Anybody else feel like they don’t have the natural ability to have good conversations? + +Whenever I’m having a conversation with strangers, I’m often pretty quiet and I don’t know what to say (unless it’s work related or something I’m really familiar with). I think this is normal with society anxiety though + +But whenever I have conversations with a group of people I’m comfortable with, like my family, I feel like I suck at having conversations. If it’s about a topic I don’t care about, I always zone out or stare at out the window. If it’s about a topic I’m interested in, it’s so hard to wait my turn to talk. I feel so impatient to wait my turn (I can wait but it stresses me out and it’s hard to jump in sometimes). It feels like I’m going to forget what I was going to say or they’ll change the topic before I can talk. And then when I talk, I feel like people don’t really care about what I have to say. My family always talks over me or focus on what the person said before me. They never remember what I say either in the future compared to what my siblings say. It feels like a chore to have conversations, sometimes it’s just easier to stay quiet and fade into the background. + +Anybody relate",Personality disorder +51771,"I recovered from AvPD. What will help others? I don’t believe in matters of mental health ever truly being 100% cured. + +Even though I still have some AvPD traits that I’m still working on, my therapist says I certainly no longer meet the diagnosis of AvPD. + +I’ve gone from being a textbook AvPD with such bad social anxiety I barely left the house an could barely order a cheeseburger. +All through school people called me “socially retarded” and my mom thought I was autistic. +To now being a very socially skilled, confident, outgoing person who makes friends easily. + +I’m curious if people are interested in some kind of a write up about how I’ve recovered from my AvPD, what helped me, how long it can take etc? + +I see a lot of people struggling and feeling hopeless on this board. +It breaks my heart when I see people truly believe that recovery is impossible (and spreading that false message). It is possible! It’s just really hard, uncomfortable, takes a lot of time and you have to really want it. + +Thoughts on whether a write up is something people would be receptive of? I’m also open to suggestions of what else could help. + +P.S. I feel vulnerable writing this post in fear that people will have an angry, skeptical reaction or think I’m being narcissistic. But I wanted to take the risk and reach out anyway, because I’m super passionate about recovery and I’d love to see the negative narrative about AvPD recovery start to change.",Personality disorder +51243,,Personality disorder +50947,"DAE struggle to talk to people they like? I've been focusing on identifying people I truly personally like in therapy. Or well. More like validating my own opinions, but it always comes back to people. + +I have a net of people I'm really 'close' with because of the way my uni living was set up. And I'm realizing through a lot of questions that there are people I just don't actually like I'm surrounding myself with? Or people I want to interact with more that I know will make me happier compared to my current friend group. + +But I can't help but think that anybody I would actually enjoy talking to couldnt possibly like me as a result. I think it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I criticise myself the more I pull back the less I interact with people and the world and the less 'worthy' I am. But the flavor of people I enjoy are the hardworking, driven nice ones. They wouldnt gossip about me behind my back, nobody cares enough to do that. But I would feel like such a charity case. When I'm doing okay it's okay. When I'm not I hate the thought that I'm forcing my prescense on these people. That my attention to turned towards how shitty and empty I feel all the time and not the other spicy things that give life flavor.",Personality disorder +51270,,Personality disorder +51347,"no wonder i over monitor myself What's with people calling you out and putting your mannerisms on the spot? People I know make comments on my body movements or how I talk and it pisses me off + +""You eat so little, like a cat"", ""why do you take such small bites?"", ""how you hold your phone looks funny"", ""why do you shake your legs?"", ""Why do you talk like that?"", ""Why do you laugh like that?"". Or imitating how I walk, talk, or move to be ""funny"". I don't get how it's funny + +It makes me insecure about every little thing I do. I noticed how they don't do this to other people that often, it's mostly me. I sometimes end up being really stiff and monotone because I feel like I'm going to be called out for EVERY little thing I do",Personality disorder +50760,"Briggs personality type and connection with AvPD I Heard that these two personality types might be more likely to develop AvPD. i would like to see If its plausible. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11vt0gx)",Personality disorder +50677,Creep Is Radiohead Creep the Anthem for AVPD or is our problem so much more comes?,Personality disorder +50723,"reading through this sub feeling like i fit in for the first time in my life i’ve spent so much of my life feeling like a complete freak who doesn’t fit in anywhere, it’s made me avoid social situations and relationships because i’m so terrified of someone realising i’m not normal and hating me for it - then in turn missing out on those experiances & relationships just makes me feel even more like an outcast who shouldn’t exist + +i’ve tried on so many hats for why i feel like this (social anxiety, autism, cptsd, etc etc) but they never fit right and i just feel so much more shame. then i stumbled on an infographic about personality disorders, looked up this sub and everything written here felt so familiar. so much of my anxiety came from feeling like i was alone in my experiences so it’s so comforting knowing all of you are here and exist somewhere in the world. + +i just wanted to say thank you all 💛",Personality disorder +51307,This is AVPD contained in a song Stumbled over this and thought it would resonate lol,Personality disorder +51509,"Generalizing people is ruining me and I don't know how to fix it Just a quick example of what I mean: + +Sometimes you're just talking to a person, and you're getting along great, and you're just in that moment and you're enjoying it in its isolation, and you think ""Wow you now what, maybe things are fine"", and that person says something that just snaps you right back. It's not necessarily political, but one example was a classmate I'm getting along fine with who is a woman but is heavily against feminism, and once a month goes on a rant about it and it makes me just so exhausted and disinterested in pursuing that friendship. The other is my brother who's like ""Oh I'm fine with gay people"" but then yesterday 'joked' about how ""only the women that look like men are real lesbians, I see the 'normal' looking women in lesbian relationships as just experimenting"" + +It's so fucking exhausting and isolating. And I live in a fucking racist homophobic shithole of a country to begin with, and any time I meet at least somewhat of an openminded person they still have that one thread of fascism they refuse to let go of. + +And god it's fucking hard not to see this whole country as a country of neo nazis. No matter how much I try to focus on the positives, all I ever see is people in Pro-Russian protest or people attacking alternative bars or spraying neonazi symbols on city walls. + +It's endlessly fucking depressing. And any time I complain about it to people they all say ""Oh don't look at it like that. Not everybody acts or thinks the way they think"". But it's so hard not to. It feels dishonest and fake not to. + +And I already have trobules with being social and opening up to people and now there's always this layer of ""Oh well I gotta be cautious with what I say about what I think because any person could hold back some fascistic views"" . With men especially. The men here are a whole different kind of intolerant pigs. + +It's so bad that I'm constantly undervaluing my own opinions and thoughts. It fucking sucks. I never verbalize what I think or feel, because this whole culture is built on constant arguments and belittlings and wanting to prove yourself right that it gets so exhausting to socialize. + +And I want to socialize. I desperataely want a friendgroup, and a circle of people I'm comfortable with because I have none of that right now, and it sucks because I can't even break out of that caution to even begin to start looking for people. And it's so hard not to filter people through an Ideological Filter because that's always what it boils down to. + +I don't want to care this much. + +I want to just fuck off the world and just be me. And I can't. I want people. I don't want to want people. It's so fucking lonely.",Personality disorder +51325,,Personality disorder +50757,,Personality disorder +51682,"What is your height? I prefer males to answer this but if you feel it bothers you as a female too, plz feel free to choose as well. I kind of want to see if it may be a risk factor for this PD or if it’s irrelevant… and it bothers me a lot. Feel free to leave your thoughts below too. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/120kyg0)",Personality disorder +51554,"Can you relate to these? I wanna know if you guys can relate to these points or not + +1. I try not to speak loudly on my own with myself so other people cannot hear you? +2. I recall and get critical about any past conversation you had recently (at times word to word)? +3. I don't want to meet or get confronted by someone to avoid getting questioned at, about the very thing I fear that I lack? And I would be open to those questions once I fix those things. +4. I feel I have so much potential.",Personality disorder +51609,"Have you had covid? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10k17kb)",Personality disorder +51788,"This is really getting out of control I feel exhausted from the constant voices in my head and my heart racing during social situations. I feel like everything I do, could have been done better, and that I am inadequate. My avoidance is getting worse to the point where I am unable to do anything at all. As a medical student, I chose to study this major without truly understanding the challenges that would come with it. Now, during my clinical rotations, every encounter with each patient feels like a nightmare. I constantly feel judged, and I fear harsh criticism is always one step away from being directed at me. This constant mental battle leaves me with no room to use the knowledge that I have worked so hard to achieve. + I am always reserved and quiet, and I do not act on anything until I know there is no other option, fearing that I will be blamed for my incompetence. However, this has backfired on me, as I struggle to form connections and networks, losing out on many opportunities in my field that could improve my social and financial status. Gradually, people have started to label me as arrogant or irresponsible, which makes me feel hopeless. +What can I do to sustain balance, at least in my mind? In addition to this, I am lonely, and the effect on my already-damaged mental health is apparent. +Last year, I met a group of people with whom I shared similar interests. Socializing with them was enjoyable, and I felt liked. But, in my efforts to get closer to them and belong to the friend group, I ended up stressing over whether I was making them uncomfortable, whether I had anything interesting to say, and whether they looked down on me. The gut-wrenching anxiety became too much to bear, and I ended up quitting. I limited my texts and stopped going to meetings. Though I am still in contact with them on social media, I see how new people have joined the group, formed close friendships, and I continue to feel like a familiar stranger to all of them. +I am preparing myself to accept the lack of romantic intimacy in my life. Though I have always been indifferent about relationships, sometimes I think that I am going to miss out on so many ordinary but enjoyable experiences in life. There were guys who took an interest in me because I had this ""mysterious aura"" around me, but after a few more dates, I was still the same person they met on the first day. I had nothing more to offer other than shallow and unimportant conversations. Every time I wanted to go deeper, I felt exposed and vulnerable like prey. So, it's definitive for me that I have to completely abandon this part of my life and move on. +I'm sorry if I went on for too long or sounded negative, but I really needed to share my thoughts and emotions with those who can understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.",Personality disorder +50728,I can't pretend anymore. I can't market myself anymore. I can't pretend that I have more going for me than I do. I just can't.,Personality disorder +51161,"You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have. I sometimes wonder, how different my life would have been, if I was a little bit luckier? It feels like, if you want to beat this thing, in some sense you need to be ""twice as good as them to get half of what they have"". Life feels like a video game. Most of us play it on a hard difficulty, and we are wondering why are we so far behind other people. Most people are the way they are because they are that way, not because they chose and worked hard to be that way. Do you think, outgoing, social type of person chose to be that way? Maybe in some cases. But more likely than not it wasn't his choice what made him that type of person. But rather circumstances outside of his control (things like parenting, lack of trauma, genetics). + +I don't know if I ever going to beat it. And if I don't beat it, maybe I shouldn't blame myself.",Personality disorder +51743,"My mom has Avoidant and dependent personality disorder and I don't know what to do. My mom is a very caring and emotional person and she's never been mean or rude in any way. However, she never believes me when I say that to her. She's struggling with loving herself and believes that no one loves her and can help her. And because of that she has resorted to drinking. +Because of her disorders, she constantly bullies herself every day on everything she does and thinks she's the worst person alive. She's very sensitive too, so one little thing can ruin her day and cause her to drink. + +My parents are separated but they’re both on good terms and still talk. +On top of that, I’m struggling with myself too and I think I’m stressing her out. I'm only 14 so what can I do to help her? She tried many antidepressants and other treatments but said that none works. Compliments doesn’t work either since she never believes me. +I always worry she's going to do something bad to herself one day.",Personality disorder +50872,"Being vulnerable sucks I opened up to coworkers about being bisexual, and it feels AWFUL feeling so vulnerable and exposed. It feels really bad giving people ammo to judge you. But I took a big risk opening up to them, in hopes it brings us closer. We'll see how it pays off, but right now it feels super uncomfortable.",Personality disorder +51720,"Inner monologue is brutal One problem I have with criticism, and people offering it, is that I've heard it already. A lot. From myself. I think the worst things about myself to myself constantly. + +The other night, I told myself that I'm nothing more than potential. The reason I'm lonely is because no one wants to wait around for me to finally decide to be a reality. Im walking-empty promises. That encompasses a lot. So when someone wants to ""tell me about myself"", it feels like a rerun. And they hate that. Hate that they can't get their issue off, or add their redundant nugget of truth. + +Idk if that's part of avpd. And its coming off as arrogant. It's not the critiscm itself. I don't mind. More fuel for the fire. It's the attitude that erupts in response to me being unphased. I always feel like I'm preparing myself for the worst possible things so I'm not as affected when they happen. Being one step ahead of anyone trying to hurt me. + +Sorry if this has been discussed. I'm in and out a lot.",Personality disorder +51395,"I don't know why I'm so self-defeating. I can't help it. I don't avoid people because I'm anxious, or embarrassed, or ugly, or feel unwanted. People try to make connections with me and I shut them down or ghost them. I just refuse the effort. And it's not because it's unwanted–I wish I had friends, I want to date, I imagine what my life would be like if I wasn't me and it looks like a lot of fun. I don't think I'm actually schizoid or anything. I just don't have the drive to improve my life in the ways I know I should. + +I have never been in a relationship, but I have accounts on a couple different dating apps. I put effort into my profiles and then I ignore every message I get. When people try to talk to me in public, I usually just walk away. I don't know why. Engaging at all just doesn't seem possible. It feels like writer's block, only it's going to ruin my life. + +It's not like I had a traumatic childhood or anything. I wasn't abused. My parents weren't narcissists. I wasn't even particularly unpopular in school, but even back then, even in elementary school, I would refuse any efforts to hang out outside the classroom. I would never go over to my friend's houses even though my mom always said yes. Most often, I wouldn't even tell her I was invited. And then I would feel sad from the isolation, lol. + +I don't really know what the point of this post is. It's more of a rambling vent than anything else. I need to get it off my chest somehow. My family is so confused by my behavior but I can't bring myself to talk to them about it. Somehow it's easier on an anonymous subreddit. I'm not even sure if this is allowed here, since I'm not officially diagnosed. When I was 19, I went to a psychiatrist to get treatment for my OCD. I didn't want to, but the only other option was killing myself, which I wanted to do less. He's the one who brought AvPD to my attention, but he didn't give me a diagnosis that day. He wanted me to come back for follow up appointments to narrow things down. I refused. I don't know why.",Personality disorder +50919,"I haven't replied to someone for 30 weeks 🥲🥲🥲. Thankfully this person was not a close friend at all, they were an acquaintance, but God I feel so embarrassed that I never replied. What must they think of me :(. + +Because we were only acquaintances this person literally won't miss me, but it's moreso the fact I've probably came across as extremely rude that is upsetting. + +I'm not sure if I should just leave it now, or if I should message and apologise and tell them I won't be replying anymore. I should have done this aggges ago, and told them that I won't be replying anymore, instead of just avoiding for 30 fucking weeks. + +I think messaging to let them know what happened would be a good idea, but I should have done it she's ago. If I did it now I would feel so anxious about messaging them. Maybe they hate me now and don't want me to message them ever again. Idk guys 🥲. + +Edit: I don't think I will message them because there isn't really any point, the friendship is obviously over and I don't plan on trying to reignite it (I wish I could but it's too difficult). I did briefly tell this person that I have issues with replying to people so I'm praying that they won't be mad at me and instead would have attributed my absence to this. + +Avpd makes life so complicated guys, fr 😮‍💨.",Personality disorder +51573,"Anyone else idolize friends from their past? I hold onto memories of people who have left me seemingly endlessly. Good ones, bad ones. Perhaps because I believe they must be some kind of ‘special’ person to have enjoyed my company. I think my connections have always been more deep for me than the other person because I’m desperate. + +I wish I wouldn’t remember them. Wipe it all clean. Constantly being hit with intrusive thoughts of everyone who isn’t around and how difficult those relationships were is exhausting. + +I had a dream about a close friend who abandoned me (justifiably, not even my self esteem talking, I was a shitty person then) reconciling with me over lunch. Extremely vivid, and I felt so at peace after our conversation. So glad that she wanted to talk with me again. + +Then I wake up from this bliss, all alone. Go to school, alone. Come home and make dinner, alone. Go back to sleep, alone. + +It’s absolutely crushing to be so alone and feel like you don’t have the tools to come back from that.",Personality disorder +51208,"Do you guys have a stash? I still have some Sertraline, a lot of Cipralex, a lot of Depakine. Almost an entire box of Abilify, a little over two sheets of Seroquel... And the corpses of all the Klonopin in my town. + +Sigh... God, I miss Klonopin...",Personality disorder +51088,"I can't do this anymore I'm so tired, my life's going down the drain. I'm so tired. What will it be like to die?",Personality disorder +50764,Do you think AVPD makes you more tired? I thought it was depression but maybe the nonstop hypervigilance is really the one doing it. Does anything help?,Personality disorder +51384,"what are you doing to help your AvPD? Do you have a certain regimen? Are you taking meds? Going to therapy? I'm suddenly feeling motivated to do something good for me and put my energy into my personal growth after neglecting it the last year or so.. i just don't know where to start yet.. any suggestions? I already made an appointment with my psychologist, I am willing to take meds again and to start working out!",Personality disorder +50694,"How many people message you in an average day? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11yshfa)",Personality disorder +51348,"mortified I made a mistake on an incident report for a client I work with and instead of a supervisor bringing it up with me in person she brought it up in a virtual clinic wide meeting in front of 50+ people. + +I had to turn off my camera so I could cry. I hate myself for not being good at any kind of work. For working a job that makes no money so I am stuck at my parents house. I hate myself.",Personality disorder +50930,"AvPD or something else? Sorry if this is actually completely normal or off-topic. Basically I find myself so genuinely hideous, in a ""You look too ridiculous to seriously expect anyone to acknowledge you as a fellow human being"" kind of way. It doesn't just stop at my appearance, either. It's literally every single facet of my being that is too ridiculous to ever be taken seriously. It prevents me from talking to people, finding a well paying job, making friends of any kind, doing literally anything out of the ordinary (including necessary appointments like the doctor) or even wanting to be alive. The only person I see regularly now outside of work is my therapist who insists there isn't anything wrong with me as a person but I find it incredibly hard to believe he doesn't see just how unbelievably embarrassing and stupid I am. This feeling causes me constant distress and is completely unshakeable even though I am aware of how ""logically"" silly it is and I worry it might mean I have a personality disorder because it handicaps every part of my life. Obviously no one on here can diagnose me but I guess I am wondering if it sounds similar to what you guys deal with.",Personality disorder +50993,,Personality disorder +51619,"Looking for an AVPD friend I would really like to have an AVPD friend to talk to when I really don't feel like putting on this stupid mask of pretending to be normal. I'm 23 years old, looking for someone preferably around my age. Also I'm from Cali n Latino. Hopefully I can meet up n be irl friends? Shoot me a dm. I just think that if I can't find my place anywhere else I can find it here with y'all. I mean we understand exactly what it's like to be this way. So I just wanna say that I'll be accepting of u and I hope you will too. I just don't want to feel so alone.",Personality disorder +51396,"Please help me understand what I went through This is going to be lengthy and ahead of time I want to apologize to anyone this might be sensitive to. It involves an affair and I'm struggling to absolve myself for my part in it and have thought often that I might die of a broken heart over this. I'll begin with the story fully and what I need from all of you is help to see similarities in me that'd make me a BPD sufferer or her or what. I am so mentally screwed up over this that it's been hard to move on. I'm almost 3 months no contact as of right now. + +The story begins at work. I worked at a rehab facility in a health field. She was at the orientation for our first day and she said later that I'd caught her eye and she'd hoped to talk to me from the very first time she'd seen me. As I began to see her at work she started casually flirting. Once she needed equipment that'd take blood pressure and I said I only had my POX that does HR and SpO2, she replied ""I want everything"" with a look. As we began to really talk she revealed she had a husband even though she wore no wedding ring. I thought she was beautiful and she was very observant. Later, she said that she noticed me looking at her lips one of the first times we'd spoken. It progressed to innocent things like once I'd said me and a coworker missed her while she'd been off for a week or so. She came up to me later in the shift and excitedly and red in the face said ""you missed me?"" When helping a patient up from bed she'd placed her hand firmly over mine as I held onto his walker. Little flirty things like this intrigued me. I know that I should not have proceeded but I could tell that she was unhappy and I did feel like she was truly deserving of more happiness. She was from Moldova and her husband was Russian. They'd been married for I believe 10 years and had a son who was 5 years old. I began to pursue her a little more and wrote lists of things to do nearby that were fun. Although she'd been in the US for 5 years she'd never been to a movie once in that time. I was so sad and just thought this girl needs to experience the lighter side of life. Finally, one day we exchanged Instagram information and soon began talking on there. She wasn't quick to reveal too much about herself but was definitely initiating conversation frequently. As we began talking it progressed relatively quickly, after a month and a half we were meeting for the first time outside of work. It was around this time that she told me prior to meeting me she'd planned to leave her husband and just be ""alone."" I tried inviting her to a movie but she kept insisting that she wanted to come over to my place. When discussing this she was talking about seating and how we wouldn't be doing anything and all of that. I told her the TV was in my room and all I had in there was my bed. She was kind of trying to say that there could be no contact and all of that. Well, within seconds of shutting the door behind her we were making out. For the entire time she was over we made out. She even shook my bedpost when she got into my bed. I know she would have gone all the way if I'd tried. This is when there were things she finally said that shook me a little. She told me she broke up with one guy because he didn't kiss good and stuff like that. She told me eventually that people when she worked at Amazon offered a threesome with her. I have no idea how that conversation even began. She began to sound almost manic with the things she'd say as if I'd freed some mind that was eager to be free. She told me once that she wasn't ready to date older men because she wasn't ready for that. When we ate tacos for the first time she said she was ready to date because I joked that all women like tacos and margs on their dating profiles. She told me there were times she thought she loved her husband. It was largely like a business relationship where they occupied separate parts of the house and just worked together for the practical purposes of a relationship (kids, home, money). She even told me he had cameras inside the house that he'd watch and monitor. As I started to become more attached to her I became more nervous and more fearful. It was at this time she made a reference to the effect of me being her favorite person and something along the lines of she'd let anyone go before letting me go (meaning friends etc.) The situation to me as it began was that this girl was wonderful and I'd have been a fool to let her life go by without joy and happiness. She truly was to me someone very special. One of the first things she texted me on instagram was that she perceived me to be ""less happy than I appeared"" at work. She just seemed so genuine to me but as time went on I feared that maybe I couldn't trust her. She revealed a lot about her childhood but not much about the emotions she felt. Like, I know she had a tumultuous upbringing. She literally lived in a village with a bed that was above a wooden stove that heated it beneath. I know her dad whipped her and her brother. She was unfairly responsible for a lot as a kid. She also revealed she had a bout of bulimia in high school. She told me they were told more often that they did something wrong rather than be congratulated for good work. She didn't like me complimenting her too much. She would try to change the subject if I'd say much to that effect. She didn't like when I gave her positive reinforcement either. Like, if I said I appreciated something she'd say I was trying to train her. One thing I'd said I appreciate was when she sent photos of home. Like, what she was doing or what her son and her were doing. I just liked feeling as if I was included in her life. I spoiled the hell out of her. I brought her food and everything I could each time we worked together (about once a week). What happened though eventually was we had a night together finally a month or so after our first kiss. I did not perform well. The anxiety of it all and the feeling that I was being told when and if things are going to happen. This wasn't like I'm feeling horny and you are right next to me. This was I'm coming over this day and we're going to get it on. I'm 33 and my sex drive isn't quite that great and add in this whole complicated situation and well, it didn't go well. This was the first time she said ""I love you"" though when we were doing other things in bed together. I became nervous about my failure to perform. I didn't discuss with her the reason or anything regarding it so that was likely my mistake. The next time we saw each other and I said I love you, she said ""can we not say I love you so much."" That shook me because I didn't know what it meant, like holidays? lol I told her to not tell me how to love her and she accepted that although it probably bred contempt. Fast forward a couple weeks and we are in the car after work and I saw her getting close to another coworker at work. This coworker later said he felt ""some vibes"" from her too but once he saw we'd become close he didn't think any more of it. When I saw them two close, I asked her about it. She said ""you doubt my feelings for you?"" She got upset and rightfully so, later that day she was very panicked and called to say that she was shook up by it. Now our birthdays are approaching. I'd thought we'd see each other on my birthday. No we didn't. Then her birthday was the day after mine. Didn't see each other that day either. Then another 5 days or so went by and she didn't come over or anything. Just prior to what happened next she sent me the music video for ""Wicked Game."" Paranoia took over me and I just asked after a day where communication was kind of lacking between us if she was distancing herself. She told me that no she wasn't distancing herself and that a healthy relationship is two people living separately with separate interests and coming together in the middle to share. Then she said at the time that now she felt worse and that I felt better. Two days later and she called to break up with me and said ""love is not enough."" That was the blackest my life has ever seemed. I had never experienced anything like it. Like I was just floating through a sea of nothingness. The very next day she texted to say ""she still thought of me"" and that she was worried. I just told her that I couldn't help her feel better about her decision to break up at that time. Almost a week went by and she called me. I didn't answer because I figured if it were important she would have called again. Curiosity got the better of me a couple days later and I called her back. She answered and we spoke, she said that she had to become ""better at disappointing me."" She told me it would take some time to get back to normal between us but it didn't take long. She revealed that she'd written in the birthday card she got me (but never gave me) that I made her want to have kids again. She later revealed that she feared and projected that I'd be jealous of the time devoted to our children over me. The fantasies continued and she envisioned us growing old together and that we'd ""rest when we were old."" She is a very hard worker. I've never met anyone so goal oriented in my life. She was truly busy and between her husband not helping her, her son, school and work, she was truly doing it all. I can tell that my persistent need for attention probably bothered her but as I became closer I could no longer act cool. After we got ""back together"" she suggested we go to the movies. I was so happy to finally do something with her outside of work or just spending a night together. Some time to finally bond and enjoy ourselves just sounded great to me. I had a great time and I thought she did too. She said before we went into the movie that she was sorry and that she'd ""never forgive herself"" for what she'd done when she broke up with me. She told me when she'd broken up she stowed away everything I'd given her and deleted our conversation on Instagram. She also revealed that it was a time where she considered going to therapy or doing a virtual session. This was I think one of two times she'd ever say she was sorry to me. I don't remember when it was that she'd said this but it was either before this breakup or somewhere else in the middle of all of this but she said ""I need to love you less."" That's not a good thing to hear. This period was probably the best time of our relationship. She even entrusted me to watch her son while she went to an eye appointment. It was moments like these that I needed where I actually felt valuable to her. I didn't think much of myself outside of opportunities like this. A week or so after our night at the movies she came over again to my place. When she came over this time I performed better but still not well enough. I think I went like 5 minutes and then just lost it for whatever reason. I'm not a very experienced guy and I never really talked about it with her because I thought she'd think less of me. A few more weeks go by and she says that she can no longer spend time with me after work. We'd have like twenty minutes between us after a shift and of course I assumed incorrectly it was because of me. I needed reassurance probably a little too often. I don't know if it was the nature of the relationship, the first breakup, or what it was but I felt on edge. She assured me it wasn't because of me that she didn't want to or couldn't stay after work. She said her husband found a (innocent) picture that I'd given her of me. I knew that a lot of what I'd given her was stowed away so I wondered how only this picture was found. He then deduced that I was a person on her instagram from my photo. She warned me to not text her and that she'd contact me. This went on for a little while successfully until one morning I sent her a couple of messages on Instagram. He was actually online on her instagram and saw the messages where I'd said ""I love you."" She didn't contact me the rest of the day so I knew something was wrong. That night I called her and she answered crying. She said that he'd told her she was a bad mother and all sorts of terrible things. He also messaged me the next day saying ""I hear you are very good friends with my wife, I also want to be friends."" I told her about this and she begged me not to reply and to block him. A few hours later, he had blocked me. She told me he'd even planned to send me pregnancy photos of her. It was truly messed up. This whole situation is, I know. When he blocked me, I wondered why. She told me he was viewing the messages over and over. She told me he was planning to tell his parents and that it would be soon discussed within the family. I never heard much about it after that. My paranoia increased. A few weeks went by and we had some intimate encounters but she still wasn't coming over to spend the night at all. I felt maybe that was due to my inability to really perform but I wasn't sure. After her husband found out though understandably there wasn't as much communication between her and I. Now I waited for her to initiate everything. I waited for phone calls. I waited for texts. One day she texted me precisely before I began work and I said it meant a lot that she did that because it was something she used to do. She told me I was trying to ""train her."" We never had real quality time together. Work was really the best thing we had between the two of us. This is where it all began to break. One day I exchanged just a couple texts with her (even though it was against the rules) and I never received a call. I had a spell of emotions come over me and I got upset I said some rough things, nothing too crazy. The next day we spoke and I said asked her if she was happy. She said if she still calls and I still answer that we're happy. She then began dissecting what I was really asking and she came to the conclusion that I was actually saying that I wasn't happy. I felt our communication was so difficult and we hadn't spent any real quality time together by this time since the movies and our one night together. She told me she ""doesn't do reassurance."" She said she'd have to take time to herself and she'd miss me and stuff but she'd not really be speaking to me. The next week or more I just got texts saying things like ""I miss you"", ""can't talk"", ""good morning."" This went on and on for like I said, over a week. I was getting really affected by it. There I was the other man in this whole thing and I'm wondering how important am I? After all, she has a husband and a life outside of our relationship. She was absolutely my primary partner. I finally got upset and sent her a text that was lengthy and said don't contact me I don't know what is going on, I don't have clarity on anything etc. She must have had my phone number blocked because the next morning I received another ""good morning"" message. So I sent another similar message again. This one was delivered because she didn't say anything at all. I'll admit, I wanted her to fight for our relationship. I wanted her to see how difficult this was for me. I understand that I was wreaking havoc on her life to some extent. I was definitely a hindrance to any stability in her life. Well, after nothing came to me within a couple of days I freaked out. I went back on everything I'd said and apologized profusely and went on and on with a whole bunch of texts and calls. Like a whole bunch. I was so fearful and felt like I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole that I'd been responsible for. I still felt I was owed some clarity on her stance with her husband and what was happening behind the scenes but I knew that I was screwing up. After all of this she said it was toxic and that I was frightening her. After she said that I lost it. I was supposed to work with her that night and I called off because I couldn't fathom being near her when she'd said I frightened her. Well, that night she was super pissed. She said that I was acting ""like an 18 year old boy not a 33 year old man."" She said there was ""no more us at work, no more spending time together, no more talking"", no more anything. I was shook up by this as I'd been by everything before it. I told her honestly that when I'd called off that my manager knew it was because of some disagreement between her and I. I had known my manager for years and she was a friend, so I didn't think much of it. After she said all of this ""there is no more us"" stuff several more days went by and I decided to resign from the job. She talked to me finally a couple days after the day I resigned. When we spoke she said that her dad never understood her mom and she was fearful because I didn't understand her. At the end of the call I revealed to her that I quit the job. She abruptly hung up on me and later told me that she began to cry after I told her I'd done it because of what she said. She later texted me and said she wanted me to ""let her go."" This where things got really messy. She told me she wanted to ""be single."" I told her I need time to move on. She replied, ""I will not remind you of myself."" I told her she could write a letter if she ever had some clarity on all of this. She replied, ""I will not send a letter, I don't like writing letters."" A few days again went by and I tried reaching out to her. She asked me what I'd done in those few days apart. I told her that I'd done nothing, meaning I hadn't been with anyone else. When we began talking again things got rough, she began trying to lose weight. She asked if it was because I was nervous why I hadn't performed well in bed. I told her that it was but she questioned whether it was her body. She talked about getting breast implants. She told me that the beginning was fantasy and that it'd never be like that again. She once texted me and said that she missed me more than I even knew but that she can't be vulnerable. She said that she needed to learn to love not me. She said so many things during this period that makes me question everything today. I know women can be emotional and I was definitely emotional enough for the both of us but this was next level. After a struggle to see her, she finally said she wanted to see me. When I did I felt just as we always had together. The butterflies and like she was just the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid my eyes on. She allowed me to touch her intimately when we had this meeting but it was almost the last time she'd allow me to do so. What happened in the weeks following was my job was reinstated because my resignation was never given to anyone above my manager. She didn't forward it so that she could protect my employment in case I changed my mind. When we worked together those next few weeks there was some contentiousness between us. One night she was upset because something regarding her parents' immigration wasn't going well. She did not tell me what it was initially. I always wanted to know what was bothering her and I was sensitive to her moods. My life with her felt so microscopic. Each interaction was magnified. Each gesture became what I'd live with for the next week as we spent time apart. I was often visibly disappointed when she would not share what was going on. She was very good at reading my expressions. She stormed off and when I caught up with her she had her pants hiked up really high near this one male nurse we worked with. I thought something of this because she'd said she did that near me initially when we began our little courtship. Later that night I said I wanted her to be happy. That I wanted to have a ""good time."" She asked what I meant by a ""good time."" I said that I wanted to have fun. That we never had any opportunities to just have fun together. It was soon after that I decided to go back to school to better myself and to impress my gf (I guess). When I did so she took one of the classes with me. So we'd have Monday nights together in class. Our job soon closed because the building it was in was no longer going to be serviced. This left us only with our class together. She would never come over ever again to my place after our argument involving work. I did my best each week to spoil her. I made salmon salad that I kept on ice in the car and we'd eat it after class released. I got her a spa package to enjoy so that she could just a take a minute to relax. I really missed her. I really really really missed her. I needed time with her to really bond. Her life was undoubtedly busy but the lack of quality time we had together came off as disinterest to me. I became so attached but so worried about the previous damaged I'd done that I began to spiral. In the class we had a good time initially. There was even one week where he had cancelled class and we had like an hour and a half together. It was great. I felt just happy to finally have uninterrupted time with her. She asked me during that time jokingly if I had brought the salmon salad again for her. Also, I'd gotten her a whole box of candies that she liked since childhood called ""Bounty."" She asked where they were and why I'd not given them to her. She told me she liked seeing my reaction when I was asked things like this. When I told her I hadn't eaten them because I'd had enough sweets. She asked ""who have you been getting sweets with."" I just said a friend of mine (Will). I felt so awkward because she had not been paying much attention to me prior to this night we had together. Texts were more sporadic and often mine that I sent weren't replied to. We still spoke every day pretty much but there was never much to talk about. I craved shared experiences and a sense of security. I'd done my part to ruin things but it felt like this was all being sabotaged. One day I called her after I got out of a therapy session and asked her ""how do I ask for what I need?"" I was being starved. I felt overwhelmed by how much I felt I was being ignored. However, I do know during this time she wasn't caring for herself much either. She was irritated when I asked this of her. One night near the very end I offered her a BetterHelp therapy membership. I told her it was the best thing that I could give her. I had already tried brightening her spirits with the spa gift and the other little things I'd tried to do. She said she didn't want to go and that only she could decide when it was necessary to go. She told me she didn't like how I was trying to change her. Another week near the end, I sat next to her in class like always. After class she asked me why my legs were so far from her legs beneath the table. I certainly felt the push/pull behavior. I know she had a lot on her plate but I was single, I didn't have all of these responsibilities and dramas. I was focused on her. A little too much maybe. I didn't know if she'd done this before?? Why the cameras in the house?? Why the invitation of a threesome?? I didn't know if I was really important. My mind raced and raced. One of the final days we had I asked her in a text ""if I ask to spend more time with her, isn't that something she'd want to do because she loves me."" The next day we spoke on the phone and I asked her to reply to that when she could, she said that I can't ask someone to do that. She'd reply when/if she was ready to do so. I was struggling so much, I have thought at times I might die of a broken heart over this. What finally happened was her son was sick, she told me the day before we had class together that she needed a break and requested that I don't text her. I agreed and the next day we saw each other in class. I broke. I asked her if she'd have any time for us after class, she just shook her head no. I snapped. I began just staring at her, intermittently for a good ten minutes or so. Sulking in the chair next to her, I was probably a real sorry sight to see. She looked to me and said ""we'll talk after class."" I made some passive aggressive remarks about borrowing a pen and stuff but nothing too bad. When we got out of class I was immediately upset. She patronizingly said ""let's have a discussion."" As if I hadn't been trying to have one all along about my needs. I said ""did you talk to your husband today?"" She said, ""I have to, he has my son."" I replied ""well nothing for me then, huh?"" The ""let's have a discussion"" remark made me begin to crack a smile (she did not like that) because I just thought to myself how ridiculous is all of this. I love her, I still do. How on earth could she not see how ridiculous it had all become and how it practically was from the start. The argument went mostly like that for just another minute or so before she began walking away. I followed and she said ""I don't like the way you love. Your love is overwhelming."" She got in the car and as I tried to offer her a water I had brought for her, she said ""I don't want anything from you anymore."" She had headaches a lot and one night she drank and ate the ice from the salmon salad on her way home, that's why I had brought the water for her. She went home and I went to meet up with my one friend. I called her and left a voicemail that said something like ""I wish you the best in all the things you have going on. I hope you learn to love and accept love."" The next day I hadn't yet heard from her and I texted her. When I did she told me that maybe a business relationship is what she needs. She can't handle arguments in love. She told me she went home had a few drinks and considered her husband's proposal to get back together. By that she meant they had sex. She told me that what we had wasn't special, that ""it was in my head."" One thing she asked was why I smiled. I said, ""I couldn't believe I was being treated like this."" She replied, ""you're saying I'm a bad partner."" I said, ""I've been asking you for weeks to see you."" I just couldn't believe the whole thing. She acts concerned about such a thing after admitting to having sex with her husband. Her mind truly was chaotic. Where was she when I was breaking at the seams over our lack of time together. We have not communicated at all since that night. The last thing I sent was one heart emoji. I had no words from her to say anything about what I meant. Nothing. I have cried so much over the last few months. I think often about the day that I die and if I might be able to call her and see her one last time so that we might be able to imagine what it might have been if we'd had a chance. A real chance. I don't know. I blame myself. I know that I might have a problem. Maybe we both have a problem. I don't know anything anymore. It was real to me. Maybe I was just being used? If I could go back I would have stopped it from progressing as far as it did. I felt my confidence and my security change once it advanced. I don't know what does this mean to you guys on here? I've read a lot of BPD, NARC stuff. Youtube, Reddit, you name it. Do I have a problem? Is how I acted, aside from beginning this affair in the first place, that outlandish? Why didn't she understand how I might feel being in my position? Was this just a natural breakdown of an affair? Did I really mean nothing? How do I move on from this? How was this a genuine relationship with none of the healthy aspects a relationship has. Is it because she has a different outlook on love culturally? Is it because she sabotages relationships. I can't see how any intimate relationship with her could succeed, there doesn't seem to be any consistency. I am so confused. Thank you to anyone who reads and dissects this whole thing. Thanks for any hesitance to pass judgement onto me.",Personality disorder +50839,"Is there anyone else here who checks off all of the boxes for AvPD but can’t ever get officially diagnosed with it because your case just isn’t bad enough? I’m fairly certain I have avpd and have had so for the majority of my life. Like I have almost all of the symptoms down the the horrible childhood trauma that I experienced that started my downfall. Avpd is the only condition that I’ve been able to match up to down to a tee. I’ve went to therapy and discussed my issues, but it doesn’t seem like avpd is something I can ever officially get diagnosed with. + +While I’m fairly certain I have avpd, my case is more mild because it doesn’t completely shut down my life. I would consider myself with high functioning avpd. Since I was young, I’ve always been lonely and had to figure out life out on my own since I didn’t have my parents or a loving family to grow up with. As a result, out of necessity I had to be financially independent and look after myself. Working and going to college was a never an issue for me. Because of that I’ve been able to give myself a good career and more or less have an ok life. My avpd is most severe in my personal daily life away from work. It’s a daily struggle for me. I also match all of the social symptoms of avpd and live a life of loneliness because I can’t get myself out to meet people regularly. Can anyone else relate?",Personality disorder +51383,"What is your MBTI type? Just want to see if there's any correlation/link or if any types are more/less common here :) + +Mine is infj!",Personality disorder +51478,"AvPD is neglected disorder So there are beliefs that AvPD is caused by neglect of parents or caretakers. + +And then when you grow up you realize you have this and even this disorder itself is neglected. + +So individuals having this disorder are basically neglected in every way for their entire life. From parents neglecting them, to society neglecting their disorder. 🫠",Personality disorder +50715,"Is freezing during a conversation an AvPD symptom? Hi all! I'm new to this subreddit, I was recently diagnosed with AvPD. I'm trying to understand it and come to terms with it. + +The thing is, I don't have social anxiety in terms of not wanting to spend time with people at all... when it's about folks I know, like my colleagues and friends, I'm even more-than-average social. + +However, I do notice that I'm... slow in social interactions. I mean that someone will say something and my brain shuts down and I can't answer properly in the moment. Or I can't hear someone properly but I'm too afraid to ask them to repeat themselves (?!) so I just kinda freeze and/or act as if I heard what they said and the conversation goes on. Then later I think of a ""correct"" reaction and can't for my life understand why I shut down during the convo and couldn't just think of this reaction then. + +This happens with friends too, although it's more common with folks I'm not that comfortable with. Is this an AvPD thing or just a ""me thing""? + +TL;DR Is shutting down during conversations and only thinking of a proper reaction later an AvPD thing?",Personality disorder +51562,"Question to people with AvPD Is it true that the significant difference between AvPD and SAD is that people with AvPD aren't interested in social relationships, whereas social phobics are indeed interested in those but their anxiety won't let them?",Personality disorder +51041,,Personality disorder +51574,"Does anyone else get really lonely sometimes and wish you had someone to talk to/ text all the time like others do? I am lucky to have a few friends but they don't reply for days and I just wish I had lots of people to talk to sometimes! Or when you do something cool/interesting and realise you don't have anyone to tell 😢 + +But I know if I did have close people like that id be stressed all the time about the relationships...",Personality disorder +51739,Anyone here in nyc I'm a black male an have ocd I don't leave the house at all an can't function I made terrible mistakes doing things that are low class.,Personality disorder +50905,"I'm going back to therapy I'm 21 and I'm going back to college soon. I'm really afraid about the socialization part that comes with college. I think I have avoided getting help for so long but I reached a point of crisis because I have no idea of who I am and hurted a person very badly. + +Wish me luck! It really feels like a big step, I want to say I'm proud of me for me doing this. I have been scared but I hope I can improve",Personality disorder +51692,"this disorder has stopped me from pushing myself for the better me. Was scrolling on tiktok when I saw my previous school mate 2 years younger than me on my FYP. She's a famous race car driver representing our country all over the world. She now just recently joined an F1 school. I know money and her being a nepo baby (her father was also a race car driver before) helped her achieve big things, but she also wouldn't be where she is right now if she wasn't great. + +I just realized that I'm 2 years older than her and I'm about to repeat my last year of highschool (i dropped out this mid school year because of mental health reasons), and I still don't even know wtf I wanna do in life. + +My best friend is so fckin smart, she's studying right now to be a chemical engineer. My other best friend is also smart, all of his grade averages are 95+ (100 is the highest in my country). + +I'm surrounded by smart, and talented people with a future, people who will make a name for themselves and become rich in the future. People who have already carved their paths. While I'm here barely even making it through the day. I can't even go to school without wanting to off myself, while they're here working their ass off for their future. + +My best friends don't even know I already dropped out of high school. I'm too embarrassed to tell them. How can I tell them? They would be too embarrassed to have a highschool dropout as a friend. What am i even doing with my life? I always avoid things, things that make me feel uncomfy or unsafe. Now look where that got me. Stuck inside the house wasting my life away. I'm gonna be 20 in october, my teen years are finally over. I didn't even get to experience the things that teenagers are ""supposed"" to experience. I can't believe smart people like my friends are friends with someone as pathetic as me.",Personality disorder +51313,"Felt extremely pathetic earlier asking for my husband's help in learning how to play games Every time I play a skill based game with my husband, he kicks my ass. Growing up having my parents always telling me I'm intelligent and making a big deal of it, always getting good grades and whatever my ego takes such a huge hit when I lose again and again and again. I feel so stupid. + +I ended up asking him if he would walk me through his moves while we play chess so I can have clear examples of how to apply different strategies. It was maybe the most ashamed/pathetic I have ever felt. + +I feel a bit better now, but fuck I just want to be able to have fun with him. He's the only reason I want to try getting better.",Personality disorder +50961,"does anxiety play a part in your avpd? i have anxiety disorders (one being social anxiety) so i experience a lot of anxiety with my avpd. when it comes to social situations my anxiety is so high that im sweating, heart is pounding and it feels like my brain shuts down completely. it causes me to fail so badly at socializing even more than i already would, it doesnt give me time to hear what people are saying or to give myself the time to think of a response. its embarrassing how i react internally cause it causes me to react externally in a way i wouldnt want to. id like my brain to be calm and relaxed so that i can properly think of my reactions and responses but nope i end up looking like a fool which leads to more self hate and feelings of ineptness. does anyone have experiences like this?",Personality disorder +50847,"Anhedonia Do you have anhedonia / lack of strong emotions? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11px78z)",Personality disorder +51156,"this disorder is repulsive to me The idea that I feel I need validation from others, unconsciously, and am so sensitive to other people's perceptions is disgusting. The repulsion comes from the fact that I know I resonate with it deeply, but hate that I do.",Personality disorder +50687,"Does avpd stem from childhood trauma? Hi lovely community! I’m quite new on this forum! And just wondered if the origin of this is similar to what people refer to as an avoidant attachment style in which a lot of sources claim it’s due to neglect from parents in early childhood. + +What triggers avpd or what is the kind of trauma that sparks it? From what I’ve read so far it’s not something you are born with but rather develops with age? +Please correct me if I’m wrong!",Personality disorder +51488,"Emotionally-stunted and Emotionally-needy parents Anyone have those? + +They are especially dangerous because they will pass their emotional burdens onto you when you're still a child. + +Thereby, hindering your own emotional development and making it harder for you to address the emotional needs of other people like you're supposed to be able to do as adults.",Personality disorder +50711,,Personality disorder +51295,"everyone stares and judges you leaving the house is so difficult because no matter where i am i can feel like every single person is staring at me and making fun of me or judging me. when i walk outside i can feel the stares from everyone in their cars. when im on a bus i can feel the eyes of every single person on the bus. even when i just get out of my house i feel like the whole neighbourhood is staring at me. i know ive been experiencing this for a long time. definitely since i was a teenager, i grew my hair out so that it can cover a lot of my face because i felt like people were doing that. my first memory of having anxiety i was 6 and i was late to school and was too afraid to walk in the class because everyone would look at me. it took me 10 mins just to walk in and then because of that my teacher yelled at me in front of the class. i would feel sick before presentations in elementary school and didnt know why. any kind of attention on me scares the living shit out of me. i dont know if this is avpd or not but it causes me so much distress. it doesnt help that i didnt leave my house for many years and was agoraphobic.",Personality disorder +51012,here goes nothing Would anyone in their early 20s like to chat occasionally? Maybe even be friends? I literally talk to no one I figure maybe the social interaction could be beneficial,Personality disorder +50699,"Those extrovert specimens who take pride in publicly pointing out that I've been silent throughout the party deserve a special place in hell Congratulations on making this invaluable observation. You have successfully made it even more awkward for me now. + +And these creatures exist in every f***ing party.",Personality disorder +51547,AvPD and Autism Last year I was diagnosed with AvPD by a psychiatrist. Today I was diagnosed as autistic after a 1.5 year process of multiple assessments culminating in a 3 hour assessment today with 2 clinic psychiatrists and an autism nurse. Now I don't know if I am just autistic or if I have AvPD too. Wondered if anyone here has had both diagnoses?,Personality disorder +51471,"What is your Myers-Briggs personality? I am apperently ISTP-T based of [16personalities](https://www.16personalities.com). + +What is your personality? You can take test on the link I shared, it’s free.",Personality disorder +51544,"Being uncomfortable with personal compliments A friend complimented me, saying I have a good conversation, I'm handsome, etc. I mean, didn't attack me at all (the opposite, actually) - so why does some sort of fight/flight state come over me with situations like this? To me, it really doesn't make sense. Unfortunately, it's how I function. I have to get used to this.",Personality disorder +50722,"Why do I keep letting friends go It's not like it's hard for me to make friends, but keeping them seems almost impossible. I inevitably just stop messaging because it feels too difficult. I hate that I'm like this because I desperately do need connection, but I can never hold onto something once it's there.",Personality disorder +50972,"Resentment towards attractive people I'm sure I'm not alone with this problem, but I've been feeling this way for so long I don't even understand how healthy people avoid these feelings. + +Let's say an attractive girl posts hot pictures on social media. I believe it's natural that this sort of content sparks great desire in any guy. I think it's also safe to say that 90% of guys will never have a chance with a girl like that. So I'd say it should be normal for these guys to feel some resentment, unfulfillment, jealousy, sadness, self-doubt etc. + +This isn't, however, what I'm observing in reality. Generally these kind of content on social media receives countless upvotes and praise from guys. + +Can someone explain where is my reasoning flawed?",Personality disorder +50945,"Makes me sad when people delete their posts/comments/accounts. I'll admit I've been guilty of this many times myself. I don't know why I always feel shame even though it's anonymous. As a reader, I've never once regretted reading something where it felt like someone put a part of themselves into words. I don't know why the same logic doesn't carry over when you're the writer. I wish I could tell them that I thought they had something valuable to say. Reading your words made me feel connected. There are more people out there reading than you think. You deserve to be heard.",Personality disorder +50700,"How common is this for people with AvPD? Sorry, I'll try to keep it relatively short. + +I'm a 31-year-old male and I've never been diagnosed with AvPD, but while reading about the symptoms a month ago, things finally made sense to me why I act a certain way. I thought I just had some kind of social anxiety when I went to therapy several years ago, but I've felt that there has to be something else since I started feeling different in middle school. I've avoided people, responsibilites and have taken jobs where I can mostly avoid interpersonal communication. + +I do still have close friends, a great family and a girlfriend, but I still have this urge to self-isolate and be alone. However, I do try to help people whenever asked and I try to do well at my workplace. Right now, I have an opportunity to work longer at my current job and might even get a promotion 1-3 years along the line in a position that I could basically hold for the rest of my working life. But it would surely involve a lot more responsibilites, speaking another language I don't know too well (I live in a bilingual country, where I speak the minority language) a lot more and of course, a ton more interpersonal communication. I've searched and applied for other jobs recently because my current contract will expire in a few months. I'm much more inclined to take a temp job for 1 and a half year with something I like more and less interpersonal communication than a potential permanent job position. + +It probably sounds crazy for most people if they heard this, but this is genuinely how I feel. I let my feelings of inadequacy and wanting to avoid people control me instead of doing something that could secure my future. Is this at all relatable?",Personality disorder +50931,"Root of avpd and life-damaging thoughts I had M21. My problem with avpd is that it made me weak, defenseless, I feel like prey living among predators. +My self esteem is low and I know how it can be increased, it ""just"" requires me to be strong and all the problems will eventually disappear. + +I was bullied by two different group of people, I realize now the reason was that they instantly saw my weakness, the second time I was bullied by my friends (at that time), initially they even respected me cause I was serious, but when you can't defend yourself it looks pathetic and I even can see their perspective, you just need to be more tough and confident (without any reason). + +This experience reflected in my thoughts I was living with till recently: +when I was a kid I thought you need to really know how to dance, know the technique or some kind of particular style but thinking about my stupid rural relatives refuted it, cause how they being so stupid could think about it really, it's not possible, but they fuck, I don't. + +second was about clothes, hypebeasts. +I thought classmates were making fun of me cause I looked weird, lame. Even though it's not fully wrong I just exaggerated it on a new extreme level. There wasn't particularly anything wrong with my clothes, I just couldn't understand their reaction. + +Third was about thinking that the group of people knew something that I missed, or like there was some hidden context I was unaware of. It was a constant thought when I was with my peers. + +I also has such problem that I often can't decide when I should feel offended and when not, it's important cause it can really lead to being a punching bag. This is also a beginning of my PPD part of personality. This kind of thinking leads to paranoia. + +I hope I won't regret posting this. Maybe it's the only time I can be honest.",Personality disorder +51766,"I’m mostly so avoidant due to being ashamed of my appearance, and feeling like I don’t belong. Anyone else feel the same way? I’m a below average looking guy, and I just want to be normal looking. I feel like my AVPD has gotten worse over time because I am just too ugly for life.",Personality disorder +50951,"It’s all in your head! Why don’t you just like, stop worrying and act normal? + +/s",Personality disorder +50878,"Asked ChatGPT to list 100 behavior Patterns that individuals with AVPD may do + +Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is a mental health condition characterized by feelings of extreme shyness, fear of criticism or rejection, low self-esteem, and avoidance of social situations. Here are 100 common behavior patterns that individuals with AVPD may exhibit: + +1. Avoiding social situations and events +2. Feeling uncomfortable or anxious in social situations +3. Being excessively self-conscious +4. Being overly sensitive to criticism or rejection +5. Having a fear of negative evaluation +6. Having a tendency to isolate oneself +7. Feeling inadequate or inferior to others +8. Having difficulty making and keeping friends +9. Having difficulty expressing emotions +10. Having difficulty establishing intimate relationships +11. Having a fear of being ridiculed or humiliated +12. Having a fear of disapproval +13. Being overly concerned with what others think of them +14. Avoiding eye contact +15. Having difficulty initiating conversations +16. Being passive or submissive +17. Being excessively cautious or hesitant +18. Being preoccupied with the possibility of failure +19. Being overly self-critical +20. Having a fear of being embarrassed +21. Having a fear of being judged +22. Having a fear of being rejected +23. Having a fear of being abandoned +24. Having a fear of intimacy +25. Having difficulty trusting others +26. Having difficulty asserting oneself +27. Being overly dependent on others for approval +28. Being overly sensitive to the moods and feelings of others +29. Being overly sensitive to rejection or criticism +30. Being overly sensitive to perceived slights +31. Feeling like an outsider +32. Feeling like they don't fit in +33. Having a low sense of self-worth +34. Being overly self-critical +35. Being overly perfectionistic +36. Being overly cautious +37. Being overly anxious +38. Being excessively self-conscious +39. Having a tendency to avoid eye contact +40. Having a tendency to avoid confrontation +41. Having a tendency to avoid conflict +42. Having difficulty speaking up for oneself +43. Having difficulty expressing opinions +44. Having difficulty saying ""no"" +45. Having difficulty making decisions +46. Feeling overwhelmed by new situations +47. Feeling anxious in unfamiliar situations +48. Being uncomfortable in group settings +49. Being uncomfortable in crowds +50. Being uncomfortable with strangers +51. Being uncomfortable with physical touch +52. Feeling like they are being judged or evaluated by others +53. Feeling like they are being watched or scrutinized +54. Feeling like they are being criticized or judged unfairly +55. Being overly self-conscious about appearance +56. Being overly concerned with appearance +57. Feeling like they are not good enough +58. Feeling like they are not deserving of love or attention +59. Having a tendency to ruminate on past events +60. Having a tendency to dwell on mistakes +61. Having a tendency to worry excessively +62. Feeling like they are not capable of handling new challenges +63. Feeling like they are not capable of handling stress +64. Feeling like they are not capable of handling success +65. Having difficulty accepting compliments +66. Feeling uncomfortable with praise +67. Having difficulty with public speaking +68. Being uncomfortable with attention +69. Having difficulty with authority figures +70. Having difficulty with criticism +71. Feeling like they are not understood by others +72. Feeling like they are not appreciated by others +73. Feeling like they are not respected by others +74. Having difficulty making eye contact with authority figures +75. Having difficulty standing up to authority figures +76. Feeling like they are not taken seriously by others +77. Feeling like they are not valued by others +78. Feeling like they are not heard by others +79. Having difficulty with change +80. Being resistant to change +81. Having difficulty adapting to new situations +82. Feeling uncomfortable with uncertainty +83. Having a tendency to avoid taking risks +84. Having a tendency to stay in familiar, safe situations +85. Being overly dependent on routines +86. Being overly attached to familiar people, places, or objects +87. Feeling uncomfortable with spontaneity +88. Feeling uncomfortable with surprises +89. Having difficulty with assertiveness +90. Feeling uncomfortable with conflict resolution +91. Feeling uncomfortable with negotiation +92. Having difficulty with decision-making +93. Being indecisive +94. Being easily influenced by others +95. Being overly accommodating +96. Being overly apologetic +97. Being overly deferential +98. Feeling like they are a burden to others +99. Feeling like they are a disappointment to others +100. Feeling like they are invisible or insignificant. + +It's important to note that not everyone with Avoidant Personality Disorder exhibits all of these behavior patterns, and some people may exhibit different behavior patterns depending on the situation or context. Additionally, these behavior patterns can vary in severity and frequency from person to person.",Personality disorder +51251,"How do you finish University I just want to know for those that finish university how do you do it, I drop out last year because of how insanely hard and painfull it was and i was also getting kinda bullied",Personality disorder +51833,"what avoidance feels like to me i'm not diagnosed but i always thought there was something deeply wrong with me. i've never kept a friend longer than a couple years. i'm in my second year of college and i have been at zero since covid happened. i've transferred schools so new place and new people and i'm more isolated than before. + +it feels like i'm not human because i'm unable to do the human thing and communicate. like i'm watching and observing but as an alien or a void or something that looks human but if you look to closely its all distorted. or robotic even. someone's failed attempt at a human being. + +all i do is lay in bed and ruminate over every bad interaction with past friends and family or think about how my roommates or classmates perceive me. fake conversations justifying my actions to absolutely no one. it feels like i'm going insane. i thought it was just social anxiety but i don't get panic attacks. and my reluctance and inability feels wired directly into my veins, every fiber of my being and it feels like it can't be undone. like my entire identity is wrapped up in being alone. and that's all i'll ever be.",Personality disorder +51018,"reconnected with a good friend yesterday :) it was really nice even though we mainly talked about tea lol and how rough life is, i wanted to hear them out and it had been a while since we had connected one on one like that + + +we ended up chatting for hours! just between the two of us and it was really nice, i had never done that before with anyone except my family and my boyfriend. i think what made it better was how much they understood the hardship of just…talking about problems, we both struggle with even talking about ourselves, went through some real shit together, and finding someone else we could really talk to without fear of anything happening was so relieving. they arent on avpd level like i am but they really get it + +even though it’s still been really hard trying to socialize irl, i’ve felt really good about my progress to reconnect with online friends lately and have real conversations more with them and my bf, and it’s really helped a lot as ive been living alone and felt really lonely as of late, especially with the rough time ive had the past few weeks. + +it was a really nice pickup and it made me realize again how secure i can manage to feel with the right people.",Personality disorder +51558,"I quit my job without telling my boss So I work as a cashier and this saturday (28th) was supposed to be my last day there (end of my contract, which was going to be renewed) but last saturday (21th) after my long shift I decided I couldn't go through another week at this workplace so I took all my stuff and left for good without telling anyone. + +This job has burnt me out so much and gave me panic attacks and I didn't see myself staying there another week. But I was mostly afraid to tell my boss that I didn't want to renew my contract, too scared to see disappointment on her face and to let them down... So by quiting early I wouldn't have to face this situation... + +I didn't show up on Monday and didn't call, but I sent to HR a doctor's note from my psychiatrist telling them that I am taking a break from work. My boss has tried to call me yesterday but I didn't respond. I feel shitty right now and I hate this AVPD.... This fear of confrontation and disappointing is killing me.",Personality disorder +51020,"People get frustrated by me 😕 Do people get frustrated by you? I don't know why, but I detect frustration when I'm around others. Sometimes I just want to move far away and start a new life. I just want to get away from it all and disappear. They don't accept me, and so I just feel like I'm better off alone for eternity. I want to live on a remote island. People just judge me for the way that I am, and I hate it. + +I don't know why they hate me so much.",Personality disorder +50654,"Is there anyone interested in joining a group for AvPD on Telegram? **Edit:** The Telegram group has been created, here's the invitation link: https://t.me/+r_m6p58MZUhmZDdk + +- Number of members as of 2022/07/30: **71** +- Number of members as of 2022/09/26: **158** +- Number of members as of 2022/12/25: **219** + +We created a [Telegram](https://www.telegram.org/) group/room for people with AvPD who want to talk to other people with AvPD, to break the loneliness, pass the time, make friends or just lurk. + +Please introduce yourself briefly (for instance: name, age, sex, country, languages spoken, hobbies) when joining the group. Also, remember to welcome people who just joined the group. + +If you have any suggestions or ideas to improve (in quality) the group, if you want to create an event or anything that might improve the experience of the group, feel free to share them in the group and ping me. + +[Telegram](https://telegram.org/) is available on PC (Windows), macOS, Linux, iPhone (iOS), iPad (iOS) and Android phones and tablets. There's also a Web version (but you first need to install it on one of your devices to use it). + +**Note:** You can also speak your native language in this group (if at least one other member also speak it).",Personality disorder +50720,"Inner monologue is brutal One problem I have with criticism, and people offering it, is that I've heard it already. A lot. From myself. I think the worst things about myself to myself constantly. + +The other night, I told myself that I'm nothing more than potential. The reason I'm lonely is because no one wants to wait around for me to finally decide to be a reality. Im walking-empty promises. That encompasses a lot. So when someone wants to ""tell me about myself"", it feels like a rerun. And they hate that. Hate that they can't get their issue off, or add their redundant nugget of truth. + +Idk if that's part of avpd. And its coming off as arrogant. It's not the critiscm itself. I don't mind. More fuel for the fire. It's the attitude that erupts in response to me being unphased. I always feel like I'm preparing myself for the worst possible things so I'm not as affected when they happen. Being one step ahead of anyone trying to hurt me. + +Sorry if this has been discussed. I'm in and out a lot.",Personality disorder +51361,"I’m afraid of what others think of me when socializing, but I’m just as scared of how I’ll judge myself Now that I think about it, probably even more. Social anxiety’s a bitch but what really gets to me is how I’ll tear myself apart afterwards. I can’t let myself forgive or forget even the slightest fuck ups. Every stutter, wrong word choice, thinking I said something mean or dumb, etc. It doesn’t matter if I did perfectly fine, I’ll find something to criticize. I tell myself I’m an idiot, that I’m inferior, that whoever I was talking to would be better off if I said nothing, or if I wasn’t alive. + +I know that these are normal things, that people don’t remember and (usually) don’t judge but I can’t get it through my fucking head. I’ve spent my entire life being mean to myself, my inner critic is ruthless. Anyone else feel this way? Self compassion is completely foreign to me🥲",Personality disorder +50685,"Faking Yourself ? Does anybody else feel the need to fake yourself in front of others? + +I pretend to be happy and not depressed, because frankly, no one likes a depressed person. Even I know that. But beyond that, it’s like I have no personality. The only reason I can survive my office environment at work right now is because of an actual, real, and positive coworker. She has the personality that I wish I had, easy to talk to and very kind. But she’s leaving tomorrow. + +So I’ve been faking my entire self. Happy, smiling, and trying to make conversation when all I really want to do is shut myself in my room. What can I even do at this point? How can I maintain a normal relationship without having to be the fakest person in the world ????",Personality disorder +51480,"3 practices I use to alleviate my social anxiety QUICKLY. NOW, FOR many this is a reminder... If you want something natural and holistic, free, self driven,..etc this may be for you. I share my thoughts here: + +[https://youtube.com/live/L8aE5a-3bds](https://youtube.com/live/L8aE5a-3bds) + +[\(My page theme\)](https://preview.redd.it/11ba8eu2ulfa1.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=928341e12b4e948e79c749875b90f67b75ee0f46)",Personality disorder +50948,"must bargain with the universe for social plans so my (18ftm) coworker ""evilyn"" (19f) was going to see a band at a music venue an hour away, she posted to her instagram story about needing a ride, i offered to take her because i want to get out of the house. she said she'd be down and now i'm just waiting for her to respond so we can plan stuff on SC. + +she mentioned having extra tickets, but i'm still buying my own because she didn't directly offer it to me, and i don't want to embarrass myself in case it's not implied. they're like 15$ each so it's not outlandish or anything. and i'm too afraid to ask to clarify like ""so if i'm going too would you give me one of your extra tickets?"" it's not unreasonable i know- if i were her i wouldn't mind the question but i'd feel like a terrible person for asking even if we were closer. also not going to clarify that this is 100% platonic because we're coworkers and i *think* she knows i'm gay (the one thing i miss about presenting female is that i never had to make those distinctions with other girls). but will live in fear of that misunderstanding nonetheless. + +another fear: evilyn is on pretty friendly terms with ""jonah"" (20M) our other coworker, a the one and only person ive ever romantically pursued (lots to unpack with that but for brevity's sake, let's not.) as in, they've hung out outside of work more than once. now, i don't think jonah is the petty type, but if evilyn mentions it to him i wouldn't put it past him to say something (idk what but not sure he likes me much at the moment) that would make her back out. and if that were the case she'd just make an excuse so i would never really know. + +rambling post, but i wanted to talk about my fears somewhere. this is the closest i will get to feeling hyped about hanging out with someone. + +mainly- in my own head i have to ""earn"" outings by going over everything that could go wrong and by being of use- ie giving her a ride without expecting a free ticket. yeeeah it's a lot. thanks for reading all 🖤",Personality disorder +50767,"suffering from AvPD as an ugly guy is like a cruel joke sometimes I can't believe i'm in this situation lol, it's like a nightmare. You know nothing is gonna change even if you cure this sickness, because you are ugly and getting excluded is a natural procces for you. + +Edit: Posting something like this was a miskate. Looks like when you are an ugly man you can't talk about your problems, and when you do people tell you its all your fault and you have a shitty personality (you cannot say the opposite otherwise you will get downvoted to the bottom). Thanks to our helpful users here, today i learned i'm a sexist schizophrenic guy who has some personality issues and treats other people like shit(even tho they dont talk to me for more than 10 seconds).",Personality disorder +50899,,Personality disorder +51069,"how to you recover from being a ghoster during the pandemic my social skills plummeted as well as my mental health. i deleted all social media and effectively made it impossible for anyone to contact me. i had a lot of friends, many who were friends for 5-10+ years… but i ghosted them. all of them. i was in such a horrible mental state for over a year, that when i finally came out of it all that was left was shame. + +its been 3 years now and i’m extremely lonely but i don’t think going back and trying to apologize would mend any of these relationships. i know i’m a horrible person for doing this but it’s like i can’t help myself.",Personality disorder +50815,"I just need to vent about my partner. I think my partner has bpd maybe AvPD + + +Hi everyone. I have no idea how to start this. I’m honestly not even sure if bpd or AvPD is correct I’m just grasping at straws at this point. My (27f) boyfriend (28m)’s brother has been diagnosed with bpd. Which is why this is my first step. And while I’m obviously not looking for someone to diagnose him like this, I’m just lost. And need someone to listen. + +I am massively struggling in my relationship and I just need someone to listen. Even if this goes nowhere. My boyfriend asks for a lot of things for himself but is very hypocritical if I were to ask the same in return. (We just had a long talk so my brain is sort of foggy on details and I can’t quite think of an example of that at the moment) he does ask for things in one moment and when I do them or stick to it, he tells me it’s wrong. Example, he has wanted to get a photo ID for a while. We have two options, drivers licence or a photo card. About a month or probably two ago, he said he needed photo ID for a test at work he’d been putting off. Then he said not long ago that we don’t motivate each other to do the things we need to. I know he has anxiety planning things and doesn’t want to so for our anniversary I said “pick which ID you want, I’ll drive you there, pay for it, and it’ll be done. I’ll put all the planning into it. All good” and he loved that idea. The day we were supposed to go, he was angry about something and it caused an argument. So we didn’t go. Which got pushed off to the next week and the week after. To today. Each week he said “I’ll do it next week on my day off” so I asked and he pushed it again. Today we spoke about it and while he’s not good at planning, I was waiting around to find out if we were going or not, as I wanted to plan when I was done work and went to get gas and groceries. When it was about 2 hours before we had to leave if we were going for him to take the drivers test, I told him that I didn’t care if we went but if he wanted to study more, now was the time. He told me tonight that he only did it so ID shut up about it and when I said “you told me you wanted more motivation so I gave it to you” he just said “fair”. But we always have those moments where he says he wants something and I change to do it but then he gets pissy about it. If I try and talk to him about my needs or what I’m wanting more of or how I’m hurt by something, he tells me that he just wants to be left alone and that he never asked me for anything. Or he’ll just give me all the things about himself that suck or how he feels and completely disregards what I was even talking about. If we have an argument for 1 full hour let’s say. There will be lulls in the argument. Maybe every 15 minutes. Maybe start, half hour mark, and then end. It always changes but the lull is when he sits, listens, and answers me with respect. The other times it’s that I have said even one word to set him off and he’s miserable. And angry and not nice. I’m finding myself constantly working around his moods. Sort of judging if now is a good time to even show him a TikTok or something I find interesting. If he agrees with what I’m showing him, all is good. If he doesn’t, he gets angry. Says he’s confused and basically shuts down. Tells me he thinks that’s dumb or “why would someone even do that. They’re not part of my life. Why do I even need to listen to that”. If I’m talking about my work or just complaining, he’ll tell me why he doesn’t want to hear it. That it’s not part of his world so it doesn’t matter. I’ve asked him certain things to stop or change and whenever I do he’ll tell me something he needs in return. He can’t just take blame for things. Sometimes he can. But normally can’t. I definitely do not help the situation because I am at his every beck and call and he’s at none of mine. If he asks to be left alone, and I walk to another room, he says he feels guilty that I’m going away. And that he’ll just sit and stew and feel bad and then he doesn’t get his way anyway. + +He wants to be left alone a lot. Can’t ever take anything I say and listen. Always has to tell me why whatever I’m going through is something he’d love to have or how his life is worse. Example; we moved for his work. Away from my family and friends and my best friend dropped me. While she was being shitty all the time, she was the last person I had to talk to. And if I’m sad about it, he tells me that’s his dream for people to leave him alone and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset. + +If something small happens, he wildly blows it out of proportion. Especially if it’s something he doesn’t understand. I have to be careful with how I joke with him because he will take everything to heart but has zero problem disrespecting me or poking fun at me for something. If we go out at all, he doesn’t want to be there and will usually get extremely high or drunk to avoid socializing because it makes him anxious. + +I’m just not sure if this is like anything anyone has dealt with and I’m looking for advice or help or just something. Thank you for reading this long novel. I really appreciate you all.",Personality disorder +51065,"Feeling guilt. I've had the perfect childhood, all the opportunities, great parents, a lot of friends (that even now, 30 years later are my friends). + +My parents supported me in everything, my mom is the best. + +Then I got meningitis and everything changed. I was never the same again. Started doing drugs to cope with my emotions (yes, weed is still an addictive drug) , partying all weekends with my friends. Xtc was just a normal thing when going to techno parties. It's the love drug... You feel so connected with others on xtc. Everyone was on xtc. +Got addicted to weed for 20 years. Luckily I quitted with that 3 years ago. + +My mom was always worried about me. Now she's 73 years old and still worrying about me. +It's my task now taking care of them. But I can't. +My dad is dementing. When visiting them I use kratom(legal). +I feel normal and happy then. +Me happy=my mom happy. But it's masking. Not the real me. If my mom sees me happy and positive... And yes... I notice that directly...if my parents are happy and not worrying... I feel better, I don't want them to worry. +I just want her to be proud, she says it doesn't matter. I am who I am and she will always be proud of me. But... I see the difference, i can read and feel emotions from others very good.... More a curse than a blessing. + +Sometimes I can't clean my house cause I feel to bad. And really.. It feels that people care more about that instead of me. The first thing they ask...did you clean. They don't ask... How do you feel. + +So, if someone wants to visit me now I need to know it a few days before the visit. Then I clean, even if I feel bad. My mom can't visit me unexpected. + +She wants to help me... I don't want that anymore. I'm not a kid. +Masking my emotions with kratom for seeing people and not worrying them.. Yes, I'm not complaining about my life when I see them, I'm positive. And I really feel good than. So.. It's not fake... But In a way it's fake. +It's making things worse. +Not for the outside world, they see me when I'm on kratom and don't understand why I'm on healthcare. Sometimes I hear that others are saying I'm taking advantage of the healthcare system. That's very hurtfull to hear. +I realize I could have normal life. Just one dose of kratom.. And I feel normal. Like I want to be. +But that's not how it works. +Now, if someone wants to visit me I use kratom for having less anxiety. And yes, kratom is a miracle for anxiety, depression. A very difficult choice.. Staying at home for weeks or using kratom, going to a concert and seeing new people. +On my YT channel I'm the most positive person. Making videos, talking, social. No one has a clue about how I really feel. + +My biggest fear is losing my parents.. And it's coming closer and closer. I feel so much guilt towards them. I can't even think about that. I owe everything to them. I want them when they leave this earth... I want them to know that I'm doing good. That it's not their fault. They don't need to worry. I will be alright. So they can go in peace. + +Gonna stop now cause I'm tearing up. + +Have a good evening.",Personality disorder +51521,"Hi! I’m new in this sub I find I have many similarities here. + +I’m wondering what does love look like for you? +How do you give it and how would you like to receive it?",Personality disorder +51389,"social anxiety vs avpd what do you guys think of the whole debate around whether social anxiety and avpd are the same disorder? + +of course we aren't professionals but i think we can still have our own input. i was diagnosed with social anxiety when i was 15 a month after i dropped out of school and became housebound/agoraphobic and because of that i wasnt able to understand the things i was truly struggling, nor were the professionals able to understand. when i ended up inpatient for the first time at age 17 i couldnt leave my room until i was forced to, wasnt able to talk to other patients or make friends every time i was in hospital or in some sort of program. i had online friends but then i started becoming convinced that they hated me so i ended up ghosting every online friend i had. when i was 18 i discovered what avpd was and i was amazed by how much i related to every single thing about it, even more so than i related to the diagnostic criteria of bpd which i was diagnosed with. i brought up the idea of avpd to a psychiatrist last fall and she pretty just said ""i agree"" but also mentioned that theres debate on whether social anxiety and avpd are the same disorder so idek if she changed my diagnosis or not which kinda annoys me but whatever. + +i just think from what i know about social anxiety is that well its obviously anxiety related so it deals more with anxious thoughts surrounding social activities. avpd to me is more so the innate feelings that you are inept and that there is something deeply wrong with you to the core and thats why nobody likes you therefore you stay alone. i just think they're separate things because not everyone with social anxiety experiences that. let me know what you guys think!",Personality disorder +51462,"Do you think/feel your therapist ""gets"" you and your AVPD ? if you have or had a therapist. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10rsbtu)",Personality disorder +51775,"Has therapy ever worked for you I’ve tried counselling and schema therapy but it always ended the same way as i realise talking doesn’t solve deep mental issues, but I’ve seen cbt and dbt therapys and wounded if anybody has any experiences with it and was it beneficial.",Personality disorder +51598,"I don’t understand how to get/do jobs Why are the descriptions of every job so alienating? Like I just don’t get why they write them like that. Not everyone they hire is a good communicator or excellent at whatever or fast paced. Fuck, I’m middle aged and I can’t do anything. Yes a bunch of that is the shame voice, but so? It feels like everything is constantly rejecting me by putting barriers everywhere and I’m already fucking exhausted from having to be alive. I just feel so dejected about doing literally anything for money. It’s been my most difficult barrier and all I want is someone to be gentle with me so I can trust them and give working a shot. But if they only want people with social and other skills they already don’t want me, so how is that fair?",Personality disorder +50901,I wish I could socialize normally and make friends No matter what social setting I’m in I’m always the odd one out. I feel like I physically can’t talk. I only speak when someone initiates and even then the conversation just ends almost instantly cause of my bad social skills. I wanna be normal and be able to make small talk and actually have relationships with people. I feel so alone and I don’t know how to change. I’m 22 and wish I could have friends and go out like other people my age. Was considering going to the Disney college program but I know it’ll just be the same no friends and I’ll just be the weirdo everyone avoids. Please I really want to change my life I need some advice. Did medicine or therapy help any of you? Did anyone get better on their own? A part of me just wants to be courageous and force myself to talk to people. I know I’ll be unsuccessful but maybe I’ll get better with time :(,Personality disorder +51760,"Briggs personality type and connection with AvPD I Heard that these two personality types might be more likely to develop AvPD. i would like to see If its plausible. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11vt0gx)",Personality disorder +51757,,Personality disorder +50746,,Personality disorder +51035,"Feel like a piece of shit I (23F) don’t know how to explain myself to the people closest to me. When they look at me they see potential and they figure I should be more independent. I graduated college in December and my family, although they won’t say it to my face, expected me to land an impressive, stable job right out of college but they didn’t realize (and I know this is mostly my fault because I never really opened up to them about it) that my avoidance got progressively worse as I went through college. + +I never made any friends. Not one. Always too self conscious and awkward. I don’t talk to anybody I met in college. I was even on the volleyball team and never got close to any of my teammates over the four whole years. Only kept it amicable and surface level. Always to scared to open up. I grew progressively more lonely as the years went on. I felt a lot of shame about my lack of social life and made sure to never really bring it up around family when I would see them over break. I figured all that mattered was that I get good grades and work hard in volleyball. Besides my social anxiety and depression would be so overwhelming most days, the only thing I felt like I had the energy for was school and sports. I was constantly overwhelmed and didn’t have the energy, desire, or confidence to be social. The worst part was hiding this part of myself from family. Always feeling like I’m constantly hiding. +I basically just went through the motions in college but that’s honestly all I had the energy for. It felt impossible to dream up a future, a career, because I was just trying to get by each day. I would always (and still do) feel guilty for wasting my time in college. For passing up dozens of opportunities that were right in front of me because of my avoidance and fear. + +So it’s been three months now that I’ve graduated and I still don’t know what I’m doing with my bachelors degree. I know I’m letting my family down. +I’ve been living in my mom and stepdad’s house since I’ve been out of college and I only recently got a job at a cafe and everyone seems to think I’m selling myself short, doing the bare minimum. The thing is, this job was basically handed to me because my mom is one of the managers and they were desperate for people. I only just started this job and dealing with the customers has been hell. But I thought this would be a good way to finally step out of my comfort zone. Even if I’m not using my degree yet at least I’m earning my own money right? Wrong. It doesn’t feel like enough. I suppose I feel pressure to live up to other people’s expectations of me. But I also honestly know I should be doing more. I should have a license, a social life, an exciting job, more independence—but there’s something wrong with me, something missing. I know I should have more compassion for myself but that’s really hard in the position I find myself in. + +I’m honestly more frustrated with myself than anything. I feel intense shame about my lack of social skills and general fear of people. This simple cafe job even feels like too much for me because of all the interacting with customers, which only fills me with more shame and frustration. If I can’t handle this job then what can I handle? I feel stuck and hopeless. I think I might be looking into a therapist so there’s that. +Sorry for making this so long.",Personality disorder +50768,,Personality disorder +51730,"This is a bit of a weird question, but does anyone else relate a lot to these anime titles? (Mushishi, Kino's Journey etc) I've always wondered if this is something AvPD adjacent. + +* Mushishi + +* Kino's Journey + +* Spice and wolf + +* Girl's last tour + +* Serial Experiments Lain + +They are not really related in any genre way but all feature some sort of disconnect with the MCs and the rest of the world. It's like you're just traveling through it and never really putting down roots but instead just observing for a while and then moving on, they all sort of have this somber undertone that you're not really a part of the world and just experiencing small parts of it. + +Most of them feature a pair traveling together which makes it feel less lonely but Mushishi only has the MC and that's the one that feels closest to AvPD in a weird way in my mind. + +Does this make sense?",Personality disorder +50908,"Starting to feel really guilty over ghosting my entire family I’m leaving this weekend, not telling anyone where I’m going and leaving my keys with a note explaining I’m okay and not to look for me. Changing my number and not giving it to anyone + +I suffer from really severe social anxiety to the point where I even isolated myself from my family. I feel like I have nothing here. No friends, no job, I messed up my relationship with my family by barely leaving my room. They all think I’m awkward and weird. It doesnt help I’ve become a pretty bitter and rude person over the last couple years because of how miserable I am in my life (my fault I know). Feel like I have screwed my life up too much, I’m an embarrassment and want to go where nobody will recognize me + +My mom was ashamed of me ever since I started being socially anxious around 6th grade. She hated how quiet and unpopular I was. She can also be very clingy, overprotective and worried too much. I can’t handle it anymore, I feel totally smothered. I just want to get out on my own even if I’m living in my car for a while. But I am starting to feel extremely guilty because I know she’s going to freak out when she sees the note, probably have a panic attack and call the whole family probably telling them I’m “missing”. I feel like my parents do not trust me whatsoever and see me as some useless idiot that will never be able to have her own life + +I’m planning on alternating between motels, sleeping in my car and working my way up to renting a room in someone’s house somewhere",Personality disorder +51083,"Crying when seeing sth cute/innocent? Whenever I see something cute and/or innocent, it literally hurts my heart. The classic pain in the heart that anyone who ever had depression/lovesickness knows about. Basically like a dagger stabbing you. Anyone feel the same? + +Examples: + +Dad just bought a used Mac & iPhone and he is so happy about it. Wtf would I want with a Mac/iPhone... But his happiness, over such a simple thing, hurts me. + +Mum finishing knitting one of her blankets/socks. Mum greeting the dog. WHATEVER makes mum happy, makes me sad af, because mum has depression too and idk how she can be happy. Why cant I be like her.... + +My GF just built a new computer, its her first one, she is very excited to do some vtubing on twitch or whereever. She's so happy about it... everytime I hear her being excited about it, it hurts so hard. When Im alone it even makes me cry (rare cuz im usually way over crying, depression level wise). Also anything else she is happy about, like a new plushie, or whatever she cooked, its always so innocent that it just hurts. (inb4 ppl doubt my AvPD cuz i have GF: I ghost her for about 4 out of 7 weekdays, for no reason at all, cant do anything against it... Yet she stays, idk why.) + +The dog greeting my parents. Animals in general.. + +My grandpa being happy about anything even tho he old. + +I just want their lifes, I guess? I cannot be happy and I only think about negative stuff all fkin day. But im stuck in my own world, my own body, so I sleep more than 50% of the day. That way I only feel like shit 50% of the day. 5head move, I know. + +Tldr: Seeing innocence hurts my heart. Do you feel the same?",Personality disorder +51242,"Why can't I do just one thing? So, I've posted here before, but here we go again: + +I work on hobbies, skills, and side hustles very intensely, but never intensely enough to do anything with them. I have a degree in music education so I'm really really good at researching and breaking things down to the fundamental level in which I can learn them effectively. I am capable of picking things up very quickly. It's almost like the huge, dramatic improvements you make at the beginning of a skill or hobby give me the validation that I crave. + +The problem comes when I hit a plateau in improvement. These plateaus where you stop making huge dramatic improvements happen naturally. Due to my super sick AvPD tendencies, this plateau is perceived as invalidation and rejection. I'm aware of how ridiculous it is, but it continues to happen. At this point I basically ghost the hobby and start with something old or new. Whether or not I retain the knowledge from my ""fixation"" is anyone's guess. + +What should happen at these points of plateau is thoughtful consistency. If you continue to chip away, those vast improvements will happen, but over a larger timespan. I am unable to achieve that consistency because my AvPD tendencies make it extremely difficult to get past the first plateau of any skill. + +Ideally, I wish I could just spend months and months, even years, fixating on doing just one thing so that I can actually see these trees bear fruit. + +Here are a few examples of what I mean: + +\- Contemporary/Jazz saxophone/bass. Have the skills/knowledge in order to play and make a nice amount of cash gigging or playing weddings. Can't use these skills because I lack the consistency to go to jam sessions monthly, network, and learn the songs necessary to operate in these settings. The intense social aspect of the jazz/contemporary music scene also triggers my AvPD tendencies. + +\-Youtube/Video Editing/Content Creation - Built a youtube channel, totally unrelated to music, from nothing to monetized in less than a year, with almost 100,000 views. Lots of potential for growth. I taught myself and know my away around Photoshop, Premiere Pro, After Effects, with knowledge of basic filmmaking/editing techniques, audio engineering, etc. Again, I wish I could just completely no life this and make it blow up, cause I know I could. + +\-Programming/Tech I've taught myself, in a short time frame, a lot about programming, as well as the industry best practices and standards. I know for a fact that if I could just do this every day consistently, I could turn it in to a career. + +I wish I could just pick one of these things and go hard at it every single day.",Personality disorder +50832,"I came off as an asshole today and I’m struggling with it I went to the mall to buy some fragrances and I came off as a massive asshole to the cashiers. There was originally only one girl that was attending the area I went to, so I thought I would be fine. Wrong. She seemed like she was new and when I asked her for the fragrance I wanted she seemed confused and said she was going to get someone to help me. She came back with two women, and they’re all staring at me while I say what I want. Then one of the women she brought back started asking me questions, I wasn’t prepared for this and I sort of shut down. She asked me what I was currently wearing and I lied and said I didn’t wear anything currently, then she asked me if I would wear something sweeter than the fragrance I had picked out and I just shook my head and looked at some other bottles of perfume. I acted mostly dismissive towards the three women because I was so uncomfortable and just wanted the situation to end. I wanted to get out of the situation as fast as possible so I grabbed a different fragrance that I was familiar with and told them I would just buy that. + +I had tried to prepare myself beforehand to speak to one person, because the last time I went there was only one person I had to talk to. Talking to three people made me so uncomfortable and I acted like a dismissive asshole. I thought it would be really easy for me since I already knew what I wanted and I assumed I could just tell the lady the name of what I wanted and she would tell me whether they had it or not. I also feel really bad for the new girl because I could tell she didn’t really know what she was doing and I just made it worse for her. And the lady that was asking me questions seemed very nice and I feel bad for acting the way I did. Now that I think about it, the second lady was probably trying to set an example to the new girl and I ruined it for her. + +I had avoided buying fragrances online in fear that the bottles would break in the mail but I will probably only buy them online from now on. + +This experience made me realize that I also act cold and asshole-ish to everyone that’s not the people I live with, or my mom. But that’s also the only way I can speak to people, so I’m kind of stuck between don’t socialize at all or act cold to everyone.",Personality disorder +51518,"I can't fathom getting or being in a relationship with someone who is ""normal"". 1: If I told someone I was 27 years old and never had a romantic relationship in my life and have no friends at the moment they'd run for the hills and I don't blame them. That's a giant red flag and nobody -- even the most empathetic people want to stick around to find out the reason for that. + +2: I'm like an alien in the eyes of most people. How can somebody relate to not doing anything meaningful their lives and having the drive and motivation of a rock. Most people want to strive for something grand... I'm just content having my basic needs met. + +3: If someone would even give a freak like me a chance there would be no way they'd be able to tolerate me for too long. As a guy I'm sure the way I act is purely pathetic and cowardly to most woman out there. If she doesn't understand my mental illness she'll see me as not a ""real man"" because I'm so sensitive and anxious all the time about trivial things that most people don't even think about. + +Sorry about the pity post, my family thinks one of my New Years goals should be to finally get a girlfriend... Easier said than done. I really don't think anyone would tolerate me and I wouldn't want to burden someone with myself. I'm convinced that I'd only be able to be with someone who has AvPD or SAD however destructive that relationship that may be.",Personality disorder +51043,,Personality disorder +50786,"Lack of opinion and interest in things Anyone else ever feel slow to catch on to things? New show comes out, new game comes out, new trend, im always late to it all. I always find myself saying the phrase “that’s a thing?” when people bring up things I genuinely never heard of but apparently everyone else has + +I seem to have a general lack of interest in exploring anything in my life. If 0 is “I hate it” and 10 is “I love this and will skip sleep to do it”, the highest I can get is like a 7. Even with the things I “love”. Which sucks. Because often times people bond thru shared hobbies but you have to be passionate enough about that said hobby to actually fit in. And often times I’m just not that into it as the people around me. + +One simple example is when I tried playing DnD. It just made me uncomfortable because everyone was so into it and I wanted to be as well, but idk it felt like there was this barrier between me and having fun. And I get that it might not be my cup of tea, but like, this happens with everything I try + +Or when I was considering my major for school. I ended up picking something that I had just ""heard"" was a highly paid major, without really thinking about it at all. I didn't bother to look into what classes I would be taking, what jobs it would train me for, hell, whether or not I even liked it. It was just ""ok, sounds good"". One of the most important decisions of my life, made in 10 minutes. And now senior year, I'm regretting it heavily and feel like switching to another career. + +Makes me think about how many opportunities I’ve missed out on simply for being too average and opinionless in life. Idk + +I'm asking on this sub mostly because I'm curious if this is related to avpd or not. Or if it’s more a personality thing",Personality disorder +51586,I got an email. Can someone please hold my hand so I can open it? Thanks. /hj you don't actually gotta hold my hand aha,Personality disorder +51786,"Lack of opinion and interest in things Anyone else ever feel slow to catch on to things? New show comes out, new game comes out, new trend, im always late to it all. I always find myself saying the phrase “that’s a thing?” when people bring up things I genuinely never heard of but apparently everyone else has + +I seem to have a general lack of interest in exploring anything in my life. If 0 is “I hate it” and 10 is “I love this and will skip sleep to do it”, the highest I can get is like a 7. Even with the things I “love”. Which sucks. Because often times people bond thru shared hobbies but you have to be passionate enough about that said hobby to actually fit in. And often times I’m just not that into it as the people around me. + +One simple example is when I tried playing DnD. It just made me uncomfortable because everyone was so into it and I wanted to be as well, but idk it felt like there was this barrier between me and having fun. And I get that it might not be my cup of tea, but like, this happens with everything I try + +Or when I was considering my major for school. I ended up picking something that I had just ""heard"" was a highly paid major, without really thinking about it at all. I didn't bother to look into what classes I would be taking, what jobs it would train me for, hell, whether or not I even liked it. It was just ""ok, sounds good"". One of the most important decisions of my life, made in 10 minutes. And now senior year, I'm regretting it heavily and feel like switching to another career. + +Makes me think about how many opportunities I’ve missed out on simply for being too average and opinionless in life. Idk + +I'm asking on this sub mostly because I'm curious if this is related to avpd or not. Or if it’s more a personality thing",Personality disorder +51669,"I’ve got two degrees and both university experiences were almost identical in social sense It honestly amazes me how similarly horrific my social experience with the second degree was even though I KNEW the pitfalls and tried my best. Granted, covid did happen as I started. Still don’t know if it could have been different for me, I’m bitter to say the least. + +Both times it was something like this: + +First year, I try to fit in but get all stressed out. People reach out a little, I either avoid it or get in the situation, act awkward and get back to avoiding. + +Second year, I get a nervous break down, heavy paranoia and practically speak to nobody. People stop reaching out. + +Third year, I feel a little better in a who cares anyway -kind of way, I try to act like a normal person again but people make an effort not to even come in contact with me. I feel like I’m still in quarantine, not even alone but like actually hated by a bunch of people even though I practically don’t exist to them.",Personality disorder +50943,"What is wrong with me I am in a relationship that I have wanted out of for the last idk how long. I cant break up with him. I have, three times, and every time we’ve gotten back together within 24 hours. I love him and I keep getting back with him but I just dont want to be with him anymore. I’ve already posted about this here before, since that post I did take everyones advice and break up with him but I didn’t block him on everything and we ended up getting back together literally the next day. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? + +We have had a messy relationship to say the least, and despite how its not as messy anymore, I just dont want to be with him. But I love him so much, when I’m with him I dont actually want to leave him. I know if I break up with him I will regret it eventually. I know if I break up with him again it will break his heart. When we’re talking everything is fine we rarely fight anymore, and he does everything he can to resolve issues now because I know hes scared I’m going to break up with him again. That makes me feel bad and also want to stay with him. + +Its a cycle of this. I just cant be real with him I cant be normal with him I cant be honest with him. I am a bad person, its like I want to be unhappy.",Personality disorder +50900,"Why am I such a loser I take online classes and only leave my house for therapy or medical appointments. I am usually too afraid to talk to people online even in anonymous online spaces. I've always been a loner but for about a year it's been worse than ever. Literally zero friends. + +The severe isolation has caused me to forget how to socialize and behave around other people. I get so awkward and nervous and don't know how to carry on normal conversations. Even the dialogue in my writing is unnatural and weird. + +I see people online and even in this sub who aren't total loners and have friends or even partners. How? Why is everything so hard for me? Why can't I just be normal and function like everyone else?",Personality disorder +51206,"Anyone else feels like this? So i went to the shop today to collect an order. I told the cashier my name an so on. The thing is there werent really any thoughts going around in my head, and i tried to be so confident but still felt terrible the entire time. My body become really stiff and uncomfortable the entire time i was there. Like i really try to become better but how can i Shake this sensation?",Personality disorder +50743,"My mom has Avoidant and dependent personality disorder and I don't know what to do. My mom is a very caring and emotional person and she's never been mean or rude in any way. However, she never believes me when I say that to her. She's struggling with loving herself and believes that no one loves her and can help her. And because of that she has resorted to drinking. +Because of her disorders, she constantly bullies herself every day on everything she does and thinks she's the worst person alive. She's very sensitive too, so one little thing can ruin her day and cause her to drink. + +My parents are separated but they’re both on good terms and still talk. +On top of that, I’m struggling with myself too and I think I’m stressing her out. I'm only 14 so what can I do to help her? She tried many antidepressants and other treatments but said that none works. Compliments doesn’t work either since she never believes me. +I always worry she's going to do something bad to herself one day.",Personality disorder +50846,"Societal Standards Not sure if this is just me but the more I self reflect the more i realize that im unhealthily antisocial but ok with that until i feel societal pressure to be different. Ive always been a loner and i can be like that ALL the time but the only time i feel shameful of that is when im around other people who aren’t like that and find it weird. It’s almost like one part of me desires companionship and being more friendly because that’s what you need for a “happy life” (apparently) but putting myself out there never satisfies me. Having friends just stresses me out and makes me deeply insecure there’s literally no satisfaction I get from it. I guess I’m deeply unhealthy but I love to isolate and can’t relate to others and feel insecure about it, like I wish I could be in the standard of what’s normal but I’m also really addicted to unhealthy habits. Do I sound crazy 😭 it’s hard to put into words how I feel but it’s like I’m so closed off and avoidant around people and get stressed about societal pressures but am ok with my unhealthy isolation until I realize other people don’t live their lives like that. I don’t want to miss out but find it hard to change. I guess my behavior isn’t normal but trying to fit in just makes my anxiety so bad. Hopefully somebody understands what I mean. 😭 I think this is just how it is when your mentality ill for a long period of time.",Personality disorder +51309,,Personality disorder +51835,Internet addiction Anyone addicted to the internet like more then the rest of the world? Do you use it as coping mechanism?,Personality disorder +51090,"The feeling when a weight of dread is lifted? At least twice a week on average, even for a brief period, I am flattened by a crushing wave of fear and dread and anxiety to the point where I taste blood in my mouth. It's a sickening feeling like you know something awful is going to happen even though you also know it's not really life or death. + +But then sometimes that weight is lifted instantaneously through a conversation or email or text. + +My question is what is your physiological and psychological response to that weight being lifted? + +The anxiety leaves your body suddenly and then.... + +sometimes I binge eat; the opposite of stress eating. It's not to celebrate but to cope. + +sometimes I have a giddy hyper energ + +sometimes like now it's just a solemn reflection + +wanted to know how you all coped with the release of torment?",Personality disorder +51724,Why is AVPD considered a personality disorder and not a mental illness? So from what i have read seems like AVPD is the only pure ego-dystonic personality disorder and usually personality disorders are seen as a flaw in someone's personality and are ego-syntonic in nature but in the case of AVPD seems like no one likes to have this condition. So why isn't AVPD considered a mental illness because the symptoms of someone with AVPD seems to match up with different things like social anxiety and extreme low self esteem? Like the symptoms are basically the same in a lot of ways.,Personality disorder +51285,"As a guy, I wish I was raised by my father instead of my mother. I just had to get this off my chest. + +It's not that my father is perfect. + +And, while my mother has improved, throughout childhood, I was subject to feminization, neuroticism, and hysteria by my mother and 2 sisters. + +It is only now that I realize this. + +Just venting, sorry.",Personality disorder +50800,"Is anybody mainly scared of simply being perceived? Like I don’t really care if they think I’m dumb or even *like* me at this point in my life… but something about knowing people see me is terrifying. Eye contact is the absolute worst because it’s 100 percent focus. I always try to look people in the eyes but HAVE to look away within a second otherwise I feel like they’ll hate me. I’m 24M and it’s waaaay worse with women, I feel like I’m invading their space just looking anywhere near them to the point I don’t even know what their face looks like after an interaction. + +When my best friend of 10 years comes over to watch a movie I will not glance in their direction the entire time and stay on my side of the couch. But I can converse just fine and not overthink my words at all. I also feel like I have tunnel vision when im in grocery stores and if I go to a restaurant I will be stiffly hunched over my plate staring at the wall the entire time. I just realized being blind would be kinda awesome and probably take away like 90 percent of my stressors. Okay this got way out of hand im baked goodnight and if you’re reading this I love you",Personality disorder +50772,"I look like how I want to. So, this is actually something really positive for me, even if it isn't considered the best thing in everyone's minds. + +I was going to the bathroom, and I was wearing a really baggy hoodie with pants that are way too big for me these days. The pants used to fit me just fine, but I've lost so much weight that I have to tie them around my waist or they'll just fall off. + +Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I saw myself in the mirror when I walked in, and I couldn't help but think that I look exactly how I want to look. I love how comfy clothes look, my hair is long and messy, and I guess I'm in a good enough state of mind to see myself as cute when my hair covers my face like it did. I am embarrassed that as a guy, I like feeling cute, but I think it's great and I've been told that it actually makes me more attractive. + +But when I was admiring myself in the mirror, I lifted up my hoodie (no I don't wear a shirt underneath my hoodies, the temperature much too hot for that as I can barely wear this hoodie) and I saw that my waist was super skinny. Of course, I don't eat much, and I still function fine, so I guess that's okay. + +What I'm getting at is, I was able to look at myself in the mirror today, and I liked what I saw, and people can think what they want, I look exactly how I want to look today, and I love that. + +Things have really been getting better for me, and though there's still plenty of low points, I can easily see my condition is getting better. I hope everyone else is doing okay, and I hope that by sharing this I can bring some hope to anyone else who has been struggling with this pd. Thank y'all if you read this far, and I hope you're doing well.",Personality disorder +51807,"Feeling disconnected from peers - how do I stand out to fit in? Hi, I've been struggling a lot in school from even before college and lonely for most of my life. I've been the odd one out since back when and slow on socialising - I can't seem to use social media well (too afraid that my relatives will find it) and/or hold conversations for very long even though I find people with the same interests. I've gotten responses that range from implying that I annoy them or getting told my way of thinking is... strange(?) I'm not sure how to phrase this since I tend to notice my ideas get shot down and nitpicked more than others in my friend group or even project team setting. + +I started withdrawing from my social circles as a result and getting used to living alone with myself. My family been supportive of me thus far and I shouldnt complain but I cant live like this for very long - I want to express myself and find a space for my art, craft and ideas that accepts me for me. +And I'm sure in order to be independent, I need to also be comfortable with myself. + +But I'm not. I live life now never crossing the line with people even if I think its a terrible idea and is proven to be for the purpose of avoiding conflict, I withhold my ideas so as to not seem radical or stupid and avoid being berated or talked down. I feel like a NPC living a scripted life. + +How do we overcome this and have the courage to live for us? Can I do it in a way to eliminate these stresses? Or is avoiding them the main issue?",Personality disorder +51399,"If something bad ever happens to me, there is a chance most of the people who personally know me in life would never find out I live across the country far away from any family. For the most part, I’m very lonely and have been lonely for the majority of my life due to all sorts is issues and trauma since I was a kid. I have a few friends that I occasionally meet, but I don’t regularly talk to outside of that. I rarely talk to my family as I don’t have a close relationship with them. I went to college and met people there, but I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from college after graduating. + +Most of the people who know me in life have no clue what I’m doing or even how my life is right now. They haven’t heard from me in ages. If I ever went missing, they would probably never find out. If I ever died, the people who have known me in life would probably never find out. The only people who would know anything are my co-workers, doctors, and family. They would only find out if my work requested a check on me after not showing up for work for a while. Family would most like be notified through that. Doctors would only find out I was gone once I stop answering calls and showing up for appointments. + +This is just scary to think about. I’ve lived alone my whole and there is a good chance I would die alone. Life just sucks man. Why couldn’t I just have had a normal life?",Personality disorder +51695,"Does anyone read book called No More Mr Nice Guy? I've seen it recommended here often, and decide to check it. I'm only in the beginning but this book seems really misogynistic and like American conservative or something. I'm kinda want to dnf it but maybe there are something useful in it? What is your opinion if anyone read it?",Personality disorder +51380,Hedonistic I'm so insanely hedonistic. I can't do anything that doesn't give me instant gratification. I quit every single thing in life that didn't give me instant pleasure. I can't see myself ever achieving things that I want from life. It feels like I would need to become a completely different person if I wanted to get what I want from life. There's times when I think that maybe the best thing I could do is to accept myself as I'm and that I should just give up on trying to change things.,Personality disorder +51303,"hi Hi, + +I'll start by saying I've been diagnosed with AvPD about 2 years ago, around the end of my military service, but it's something I've dealt with most of my teen life unknowingly and now as a 22 years old still. I'm seeing a therapist for the better part of 2 years now and it helps, mainly mentally, not physically yet as I'm not doing much, spending all my days at home, no friends no social life no nothing. I did get a job last week which I'm starting next week, 4 hours a day cleaning some school buildings 5 minutes from my house. + +But as the time goes I find myself daydreaming more and more about stuff I'd like to do like traveling the world and studying, I even got as far as signing up to university but ended up canceling it like 3 days before the semester started. Since then I'm daydreaming about traveling, going to south america or something.. + +Last week I said screw it and booked a ticket to Barcelona, for a trip with my mom and sister. I was very excited as I'm a big FC Barcelona fan for years, but as we all know, something has to go wrong. We're supposed to fly tomorrow and man this has been one of the worst days I had in the last couple of years. I feel like I just wanna disappear until Friday arrives when the trip is over. I feel like it's a task someone is commanding me to finish, and not something I ever wanted to do. It took me some time cause I usually keep to myself but shared it with my mom and sister, and now they're thinking whether they should cancel or go and they're waiting for my desicion. I also cried talking to my mom and told her many things that she didn't know like how I don't talk to my 2 friends anymore or how before I got this poor job, I was sending CV's and when people would call me I couldn't pick up the phone. I told her that I feel lonely even when I'm with them (my family), cause while they do make me feel good, they can't cover up for my non-existent social life. + +Seriously I feel like a mess, I roam around feeling down like I've never felt before I think. + +Just want to vent a little :)",Personality disorder +50680,"I think I have AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) I have recently come across AvPD and I realized that I relate to almost all of the symptoms. First off, I’m very anxious in almost all social situations. This includes hanging around friends i’ve known for many many years, being around extended family (who i’ve also known for many years), being around coworkers, meeting new people, and even just going grocery shopping. + +I often try to avoid a lot of social situations which has definitely affected a lot of my relationships. I’m not very close with my friends or family anymore. I still hangout with them sometimes but it’s not on a very deep level. I don’t really open myself up to anyone. I’m scared of people figuring out my true personality and that they won’t like me for who I am. I hide lots of parts of my personality and not one person on this earth truly knows me. I’m close enough with my parents that I don’t get anxious around them, however I still hide many pieces of myself and don’t feel comfortable enough to show everything about myself. + +I have also struggled to find jobs that don’t make me anxious. It took me until I was 18 years old until I finally got my first job because of this. I currently work at a daycare and have worked here for about 7 months and my anxiety has seemed to get worse. I have been thinking about quitting for awhile now but am terrified of having the conversation with my boss about quitting. + +Whenever I’m at work, I feel inferior to everyone else. I feel like I have less experience, I overthink everything, and I am so awkward around my coworkers and parents. I feel like I’m incompetent and people don’t take me seriously because of my poor communication skills. My mind often goes blank when I’m asked questions and I don’t feel like I’m much of a help. I also try to focus completely on the kids and I would rather not form any real relationships with other coworkers. I try to keep conversations polite and small. I rarely talk about myself either, just enough to get by. I play it safe. + +I’ve always just felt like there was something wrong with me. Social anxiety kinda describes the way I feel but it seems like it’s more than just that.",Personality disorder +50668,"how to gently ghost an avoidant without making feel them guilty? so, throwaway because i’m afraid she might be in this sub. +before asking the real question, long story short (tldr at the end): + +so me (22m) and this girl (20f) matched on tinder a year ago, we want on a date and then she ghosted me the day after. +tried to talk to her one day after few months, got a single message reply and then she disappeared again. +at the end of last year i notice she was on hinge saying she broke up with her bf, so i started posting instagram stories that she might’ve been find interesting, and she started liking them, so after a while i reached out to her and wishing a happy new year. she seemed kinda interest, so we made plans for the following week. +she ghosted me again. i was disappointed. +after few days i noticed she had put me back in the close friends (she removed me from it after the first ghosting) so i thought “mh she might be to ashamed to write me back after all this time, i’ll reach out again” +and since then we never stopped talking anymore, but here comes the problem. +we just talked for a couple months, i tried not to push anything to don’t let her make uncomfortable and run away again, but she basically is just venting on me, and now she started venting also about “male friends” on and on, so i got suspicious, and i was right, she’s back on hinge with a fresh new verified and recently active profile. + +now here comes the problem, and i don’t mean her being on hinge, at least not directly. +-she’s in therapy and on meds, i’m pretty sure her therapist wouldn’t suggest her to be on hinge (correct me if i’m wrong). +-she said she couldn’t drink cause of meds and of med swings, but few days ago she started hanging out at night (she couldn’t do it before hanging out with me couple weeks ago) with “a male friend” and wanted to get drunk ( 🚩). +-she said she’s to anxious to hang out with people outta blue ( 🚩). +-we were talking about hanging out again, said she was super busy, got even more busy with college lessons, but she found the to hang out with somebody else, while i’m being her emotional support for the last 2-3 months +-didn’t text me back for couple days after hanging out with that guy + +so the real question is: how do i gently end up things with her? i don’t want to make feel her guilty, but i can’t keep stressing myself this much + +i thought she’d made progress with her therapist, but apparently she isn’t doing much of what they says, so i think she might be helpless and toxic, and mostly we aren’t on the same page, i truly love her and i think she knows but she’s playing with me and using me just to vent and for not feeling completely lonely + +TLDR after being ghosted multiple times with a girl with avpd, adhd and probably bpd too (i’m referring what she said to me), we seemed to bond for once, but she might be a toxic person and i don’t think i don’t want keep pursuing this anymore , i’d like to slowly walk away without hurting both of us. +she probably know i’m in love with her and she’s playing me. even if i’d come out and we’d make things work (quite impossible imho) i’m not sure she might be a good fit. + +-sorry for language mistakes and for the format, but i’m from mobile-",Personality disorder +51667,"How do you deal with making mistakes? Like breaking stuff that’s not yours, or forgetting to do something important. I’m a perfectionist and every time I screw up it kills my mood and sends me into a spiral of self loathing. Suicidal thoughts appear immediately. Can’t help but see myself as an anti-Midas, and that’s one thought that usually proves itself to be true. + +I just had a bit of a fuck up. Don’t care to go into detail about it, but moments like this are why avoidance makes sense. It never would’ve happened if I didn’t take the chance.",Personality disorder +50736,"Does anyone find it so hard to get over a comment/criticism to the point they feel suicidal? Trigger warning. Mention of Eating disorders and suicide. + +A month ago my brother was talking about how he just turned 30. He was saying how he didn’t look 30 and he pointed to me and said “he looks older than me”. I’m 24. It felt like a stab in my heart. Ever since I’ve barely left the house. I wasn’t trying to date before that but now I’m not even going to try. I feel suicidal now and I don’t feel like life’s worth living. I’m old looking for my age so I should just give up. That comment is running through my mind 24/7. It’s torture. I feel so embarrassed. +If my brother knew what that comment did to me, it would suck. I’m so angry but hurts. It’s not really his fault how I feel but why did he say that. I’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life. I get anxious seeing my brother because I’m scared of what he will say. Everything reminds me of that comment. I have barely been eating. It just reminded me why I shouldn’t leave the house because other people will think the same. + +It feels like such a stupid reason to be suicidal over but it’s taking every bit of my energy not to do it everyday. How am I meant to go through life if a silly comment like that has gotten me like this. How do I get over it? I’m not strong enough to go through life.",Personality disorder +51365,"Have people always been experts in giving advice? Is this something new to our generation (gen z)? Or milennials? Or has it always been a thing? + +Why does everyone feel like they are experts in what everyone else should do? Especially when something bad happens. And most of the time, it's something vague or obvious. + +""Break the cycle"" ""You know better than this"" ""Just be grateful for what you have"" ""Live in the present"" ""Use the resources you've been given"" ""Make something of yourself, anything, but don't let your life go to waste"". + +And every single time, they're very fucking happy with themselves. NOTHING MORE TO SAY HERE. \*Wipes hands\* + +It's the worst part when it comes from someone you consider a friend. Personally, I'd expect friends to know how shit the world is and not give arrogant, vague and/or obvious advice. Why does EVERYONE do this nowadays? + +Why is it so hard for you to just shut up and listen to what someone has to say? No one does that. Ever.",Personality disorder +51652,,Personality disorder +51674,"Why am i so weird and how to get better interacting with people? Context- when “normal” people interact with each other they speak and converse like they know eachother beforehand when they dont. But im always quiet and just silently looking at them? And like i know they notice it and sometimes they dont even want to interact because im so silent? + +Its like really hard to interact with when it’s about personal relationship. But when i have appointments its easier? + +(Extrovert/ normal idk What to Call it)",Personality disorder +51254,"I wish it was socially acceptable to just ask ""am I important to you"" I know this question sounds resentful and judgmental. It sounds like an accusation almost. But I'm tired of getting hurt because I overestimate how important I am to the other person. + +Even if they said ""no, you're not important to me"" It would hurt as hell, but only at first, like ripping the bandaid off. I would learn to not get attached and we'd talk at a respectable distance. + +Does someone know the way to word this question better? I'm so done with this constant confusion.",Personality disorder +50927,do you guys ever wonder if it's too late? Too late to fix your life and the mess you created???,Personality disorder +51445,"I want to be there for others But I feel so blocked off. It's funny how I complain about people who are unavailable to me, as I am unavailable to everyone else. Especially my younger sibling. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for how I treat him. + +I feel like I'm repeating the cycle that I went through. I completely avoid my younger brother and I've ruined our bond. He doesn't even look at me, and it's my fault because I wouldn't even look at him. I'm sure that hurt him. + +It may not seem like it, but I do try and care about him. When he does look at me I try to make sure I smile. I know how important that is for children. When he asks for a hug I'll give it, even if I don't want to. When he wants to show me something I try to ask questions and give him praise for his creative works. + +I don't do this often enough though. I avoid him because I don't have much to give. Kids in general make me feel uneasy because they need so much from their caretakers, I feel inadequate that I can't give them that. He reminds me of myself when I was younger and it makes me uncomfortable, because I rejected that part myself a long time ago.. + +Kids are authentically themselves, until society molds them. I can already see it happening with him. He's quieter than he used to be. He doesn't look people in the eyes. He shuffles nervously. He stutters. He hides. All things I used to do when I began rejecting myself. I still do these things. My authentic self is locked away, she's still there, but shes completely hidden. + +It's like I want to save my brother before he goes down the same route as me, but I can't even save myself. I just hope he can forgive me :(",Personality disorder +51120,"I should not go, I swear to god this is going to end up wrong EDIT: I DIDNT GO + +EDIT2: I SENT THEM A MESSAGE TO PRETEND I WAS GOING BUT THEY LET ME ON SEEN. EVIDENTLY IT WAS A PITY INVITE AND IM GLAD NOT TO HAVE GONE + +Why even write this? by the time I get any replies it will be too late anyways. The appointment is three hours from now. + +If I get another job I'm going to need references, a network of aqcuantainces, this time I can't rely on my family posing as acquaintances. I didn't build a network, I never do, now I want to run out of there. + +I didn't make any friends, I don't want friends anymore, I haven't had friends since elementary. Not only do they not respect me, they also pity me. + +I was invited out of pity, I know because they are surprised I said ""yes"". This is the entire setup for the climax in Notes from Underground, I read it, I know perfectly how it ends up. No one knows my life better than I do and I have been gaslighted too many times into believing it was all in my head. + +If I don't go they also will remember and I have to make a presentation for them a month for now, my performance will be scored by them. + +Just today we found out neighbors began to speak ill of me and my family. + +One day posthumanism will get rid of all of this bullshit, ""they"" taking our jobs will be a cheap price to pay. For now, approach with caution.",Personality disorder +51762,I'm not the friend people want. I'm not great at connecting with people. I understand social cues but I guess people find me weird or whatever. I will be there for people but they will say things like they feel like they have nobdoy to talk to and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them or the the type of friend they had in mind. It sucks but what can you do?,Personality disorder +51708,"Dating apps even harder with AvPD Disclaimer: I dislike dating app culture in general. There's a hell of a lot more to a person than a few pictures and prompts. + +\--- + +If I'm not attracted to someone then I won't swipe on them. If I am attracted to someone and there's even one thing on their profile that I lack or don't relate to then I won't swipe on them either. If there's someone I'm attracted to and there's nothing problematic in their profile, I won't swipe on them because I doubt they'll be interested in me. + +In the end this leaves a very very small pool of people which I guess makes the whole thing pointless?",Personality disorder +51101,"Question about memories. Are your memories of your self in 1st person or 3rd person view? + +All of mine are 3rd person, unless it's of someone or thing; then I don't exist. But, if I am in the memory then it's always 3rd person. + +Any way... please discus. For I am slightly concerned.",Personality disorder +51025,"I saw someone I barely know sneakily taking a pic of me while in auditorium I'm currently in uni (not doing well) and today I decided to show up to a lecture, a girl from my dorm who takes the same classes as me sat in front of me. I saw her subtly taking a pic where I was in the background and circle my face out on it (to put the attention on me) in Snapchat. + +I have been avoiding all dorm activities and I know everyone else have become a tight group of friends while I have been too scared to go out there and get out of my dorm room to interact with anyone for the entire semester. + +When I think about it, it makes perfect sense that people find me weird and make fun of me. It's being the odd one out, the asocial guy who doesn't show his face. I mean I don't even know the names of the people in my hallway. + +I can understand why they would talk about my strangness or see me as weird, even be kind of disgusted by me. I am extremely akward, I lack social skills, I am anxious and get panic attacks (emotional flashbacks) when around people. I have no healthy boundaries and do not know who I am as a person (have no consistent sense of self). To cope with all this I avoid all situations in which people could reject me or shame me for my insecurities, lack of social skills etc. + +By avoiding situations, I am trying to avoid getting rejected or ridiculed, and deep down I know it's only normal to be frowned upon for being different or weird (think about the fact that you can't help but look at someone who walks weird because of arthritis, or when you come accros a homeless man lying on the side of the street). Your attention either gets caught or you try to consciously ignore it. + +Somehow I was still somewhat believing that I could fool the people in my dorm and hope they won't think of me as flawed, insecure, weird, antisocial, a loner etc. After seeing that I am indeed most likely a subject of ridicule, mockery, disgust etc to the people in my dorm I can fully drop my delusion. + +I have CPTSD and I developped my avoidance because of childhood emotional neglect/abandonment and abuse by my narc mother. My brain is wired differently than the average person with healthy and good enough parents. I didn't have secure attachments in childhood and I am for that reason developmentally arrested. + +The people in my dorm don't know me and don't know about my trauma or CPTSD. They are doing what humans do, pointing out the weirdness, the odd one out, the undesirable. + +It triggers people when they are confronted by something they don't understand or find weird, it's normal, they have their own insecurities and issues and can project all of that on the black sheep, on the odd one out. + +If I had healthy parents, good enough social skills and a fully developped and trauma free brain I would probably do the same when I encountered a weird person, heck I even have judged many people for being strange, undesirable or weird myself and thought I was superior to them.",Personality disorder +51211,"I do not struggle only with the fear of being rejected but also the discomfort of rejecting I don't know if anyone else here feels like this, but I've noticed that the thought of having to reject someone I don't like is also feeding my avoidance. + +At this point I already know that I'm not compatible with 99% of the people near me, I can't connect, I have some niche interests and different beliefs and values compared to most of the people where I live. +Finding someone I really like is something that happens one time in years and even though I know they exist, it is very rare for me to find them. + +The thing is: sometimes people see me being more reclusive and think is just because I'm shy, I guess they feel pity/empathy for who they think I am so they start trying to socialize with me, but the truth is I am willingly distancing because I don't see anything in common with them or sometimes see things that actually annoy me, but I feel so uncomfortable rejecting their attempt, specially if we have to see each other a lot, even If I know nothing that satisfies me will come from there. + +Because I have experienced the pain of rejection a lot of times I feel empathy for them (or, as I said, for what I think they will feel when rejected, which is the same pain I've felt in the past) but I also think there's also a factor of fear of judgement (and therefore rejection I guess?) here, because I'm afraid they will find me arrogant, rude, mean, superficial, someone with a superiority complex or just straight up be mad at me. I have this good girl syndrome and the thought of someone thinking bad of me is so excrutiating that just doing what is more comfortable for the others and not for me seems to be easier, but of course it's not being sustainable on the long run. + +So yeah, nowadays I'm also avoiding social interaction and new relationships because I know that I'll probably not like or be compatible with the person, am afraid of being judged/rejected and also of having to reject.",Personality disorder +50925,"I want to do a job that requires social skills I do not have great social skills. I am awkward and shy. + +But I saw an ad for a job that helps adults with disabilities find and maintain employment. I want to apply for it but it requires making connections with business owners and having good interpersonal skills. + +This is just a vent about wanting things that are outside the realm of being a good idea...",Personality disorder +51259,"Trouble crying Anyone else have a hard time crying? It's like I have to push out a poop lol, even when alone(crying in front of ppl don't feel like an option) can't even cry properly smh",Personality disorder +51103,"Cowardice That's is my main character, I've always been a coward and life is not for cowards. Why can't I choose to end my life with dignity instead of going through all this",Personality disorder +51683,Who knew Omg I'm home. Finally a place I belong.,Personality disorder +51177,"Consultation on the treatment of Avoidant Personality Disorder My childhood assessment showed that I have been suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Selective Mutism. In the last year, my doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication such as Buspirone and Pregabalin to help me feel relaxed and hopefully make me more confident to communicate with people outside of my family. + +However, until now, I am still very nervous and terrified of talking to people outside of my family. In this way, apart from making me unable to make friends, I am also too nervous for interviews, making it difficult for me to find a job. Please advise me on how to overcome my symptoms of Avoidant personality disorder, Selective Mutism or Anxiety Disorder so that I can join the workforce.",Personality disorder +50868,"Anyone else fantasize about being a part of a community, but ghost it when given the opportunity? I can't count how many times I've begun to integrate into a new social setting, only to ghost it all without a word because of the anxiety of unspoken social expectations.",Personality disorder +50998,"I'm in CRISIS because how AvPD can potentially influence my desicion for a new major I left college, because I wasn't passionate about what I studied and because how much stress I felt of not being socially competent to fulfill a social focused related major. + +And I'm here again I don't have much time too choose a major and to go back to college, my parents have told me this is my last opportunity and limit time, but I'm not sure if they would actually follow this through. I don't think they would but I could be wrong. + +All my interests and passions are related to social things, social justice, oppressed populations, people's potential. I have a big desire to help people and I'm interested in social causes and. On my very top are things like social work, sociology, and law + +But I'm very afraid of the challenging aspects of my personality and how contrary are to the abilities I need to have for these fields. I don't want to be an incompetent professional because of my characteristics and disorder. I'm extremely afraid of having to leave college again, or not being able to succeed. + +And I know that there are different ways to work in these fields. not necesarilly having the most direct contact with people. But I want to have direct contact too. I had an experience in my previous major where I interviewed a person in treatment process after they finished their sentence. And I felt so passionate while doing it and I liked so much interviewing him, analyzing their protective and risk factors, to later make a treatment plan (closest experience to social work) + +I also worry that if I go to therapy and solve these issues, maybe I will end up realizing that I can't stand naturally (and in a healthy way) working for long periods of time with people + +Why is that I'm not naturally inclined or interested to paths with way less focus on people T\_T",Personality disorder +51741,"Seeing some progress but feeling stuck. Hi, + +24-year-old male with AVPD here. For some time I have noticed that contacts with other people (in my case only at work) began to bring me pleasure. I've also become more relaxed and when I'm around people I don't worry as much about how they react to what I say. At the same time, a desire for more close relationhips arosed in me. This desire applies both to finding a partner and friends. I just want, as real as never before in my life, a simple conversation with another person and intimacy. + +However, I don't know how to achieve this. I've finished my education and I don't have any social hobbies (the gym can be considered as such, but I still can't find a way to start naturally a conversation with other people there). I'm starting to get annoyed with this situation, because certainly something has changed in my attiude and I truly want to form some relationships outside of my work environment. I think I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone step by step, but I don't know how to do it. + +One way to do it is to start dating. Finding a partner is something that I want very strongly and I think love is something I'm capable of. The thing that's holding me back from making that move though (other than, well... the lack of photos to use on dating apps) is knowing that I'll be too much of a burden for her not having other relationships. Perhaps there is also an element of shame in not having any friends. I am not sure… + +Have any of you reached such a point on your journey to ""normality""? I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing everything and if I shouldn't just do what I feel regardless of my doubts. In my case, finding friends seems to be something more distant at the moment and I don't know how I could achieve it. However, I will be grateful for every piece od advice!",Personality disorder +50801,"I’m worried I’m second choice I met a guy on a trip two years ago. He told mutual friends that he liked me, and he asked them not to tell me, but they did. When he found out that I knew, he cut off all contact with me. Two months later, he and his girlfriend broke up. I have to admit that before he was single, I'd look at his TikToks a lot. I never liked or commented on it; I'd just watch the videos. + +A few days before he and his girlfriend broke up, I noticed that my TikToks would go up. I had 3 followers, but whenever I'd watch his videos, a few hours later, my TikTok views would rise. I even tried doing it on certain days; eg. I'd watch his videos one day, watch it two days later, then the day after, and each time I saw them, my views went up, and on the days that I didn't watch them, they stayed the same. This continued for the better part of a year. Last year, it was still frequent, but less so. Now, it's every two or three weeks that we do this. One time, he even posted a TikTok in English (English isn't his first language, and all of his previous videos were in his native language). + +TikTok wasn't the only platform he was looking at me on. He would do it on Twitter too. One time, I retweeted a picture of a Star Wars character. Less than an hour later, he posted a meme of that same character. The meme was in English, and it's not that I want to say that the meme wasn't funny, but it was obvious that he posted it just to post it. There's been at least three other instances where he did something similar. + +However, twice he did things that tickled me funny. About six months after they broke up, he started following her on TikTok, but unfollowed her within a few hours (probably because she didn’t follow him back). A month later, one of his ex's close friends posted a TikTok video with his ex in it. He started following this friend. Around eight months of this going on, he made his Instagram and TikTok private. I have no idea why. But I can tell he still looks at my TikTok, because TikTok tells who looks at your profile. I don’t post much, and he looks at it every two to three days.",Personality disorder +51066,"I just want to throw my smart phone away. Hello, I'm I the only one? But the more I use social media the more I feel alone. Social media isn't social at all. Sometimes I delete everything on my phone.. Feeling so much better but then I'm getting the fomo feeling. Installing all the apps again cause I don't want to dissapear and worry people. + +But it's most of the time the opposite...people I support suddenly dissapear. A difficult thing to handle. + +I'm replying to extended to DM's. +When someone criticize me I overreact.. Feeling very bad afterwards.. I don't want to be that way. + +People dissapear with one touch on a button. And I'm thinking the worst. A person on IG when I had my mental health support page killed himself a while ago. We texted every night for months. +I can't save or rescue people. But that was a difficult thing to deal with. Like I failed. + +So, it's better to quit it all. Social media is poisoning society. + +I can't expect people to care cause I care for them. Sad but true. + +But it's a vicious circle.",Personality disorder +51733,Boudoir sexytime dynamics Do you prefer your sexual partner to be a dom(me)? Please elaborate.,Personality disorder +51644,"I don’t see myself living a long life… Is that weird? When I look into the future…it’s black. I cannot get myself to visualize my life past today. It feels like I’m just floating all day with zero idea what I want for the next day. I’ve been thinking this for about 7 months now, and just wanted to see if anyone can relate. Is this something I should worry about?",Personality disorder +50827,"Hopelessness/Too lateness Is there a point where one can consider it too late to do anything? Too late to try; too late to get treatment; too late for anything and everything? Too old? Or if someone is ""too badly off?"" I've seen some people around Reddit and the net refer to failed lives. I've recently made posts and tried to look around Reddit for people in a similar situation as mine and there seems to be *nobody*. And the only conclusion I can draw is that my circumstances are too uniquely screwed up. And AvPD along with other issues all intersecting have led to a completely failed life and me as a broken mess. Growing up (or developing) AvPD in a family full of NPD didn't help. + +Most subs seem to skew younger, which has me think that everybody either resolved their issues as they grew up or are no longer alive. How has anybody dealt with utter despair and hopelessness? Feeling too old and that it's too late to change anything satisfactorily? Does anyone have other issues/diagnoses that mix with AvPD to just make things impossible?",Personality disorder +51456,"Can you force yourself to talk to people? Two weeks ago I would’ve sworn I had avpd but I think maybe I just wasn’t trying hard enough to talk to people all these years. Like part of me was scared so I gave up. Because now I am actually trying and it is getting easier. And I’m forcing myself to talk and (trying to) be open with people and yes it’s hard as fuck and I still have social anxiety but I am actually doing it. Thoughts? Would it be a lot harder if I had avpd? + +It’s still hard but the thing is it gets easier every time I talk to someone. And I was homeschooled and also had no social contact outside my family for like 8 months so I have a lot of inexperience.",Personality disorder +51489,"i don’t think i have the capacity to be a good friend the last time my (only) friend was in a terribly dark place i left her messages unread for two days, and when i *finally* felt like i could actually handle responding i could barely come up with two pathetic fucking sentences. i appreciate that she left it on read and hasn't brought it up again instead of telling me just how absolutely shitty and unhelpful i was. + +now, she's tweeting about feeling ""stranded on a desserted island by myself,"" less than an hour ago, and i feel like such a selfish disgusting piece of shit but I don't know how to comfort her or be there for her at all bc i don't feel like i can handle it. i can hardly handle my own bullshit. I can't be of any help. I can't even just listen and be a shoulder to cry on good enough bc i'm too much of a coward. + +i think i just deserve to be alone. to rot. i'm not worthy of connections or relationships. they're meant to be two-sided and I can't hold up my end up the bargain. i hope i die alone so i stop hurting people.",Personality disorder +50959,"I moved out. A friend of mine was talking to me about my family situation and I told him about how I wanted to put distance between me and them. He said that he might have some ideas and that we could work something out. + +I've been in a new place now for five days. I have a roommate, he is cool. His work keeps me from seeing him very much, so I only have to deal with other people in small doses. + +The best thing is that I'm finally away from my relatives! It always feels weird when I say ""I miss you too"" over the phone because I don't miss them at all. I'm so happy to finally be freed of them! + +People do keep telling me that it's natural for me to feel this way and that I'll miss them eventually, but I don't want to miss them. I had to go back earlier today to pick up some of my stuff, but I dreaded seeing anyone there. I left as soon as I could, and I guess I just don't know how to feel now. + +I still love them, I never didn't love my relatives, but I know they're not good for me. I am much better on my own. I guess I just feel guilty, like I owe them something. Part of me wants to go back and try to fix them, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't do that, and that they're not my responsibility. + +So, I'm determined to not go back for as long as possible. The only reason I'd go back now is to get my bike, but I can be without that for a while. Otherwise, I'm done belonging to them. I am my own person now, and I'm slowly getting to like who I'm becoming. + +I definitely still have many times where I hate myself for messing something up or blaming myself for something that can't be helped or just wasn't my fault. But overall, things are getting better, and me leaving my relatives behind is just one of many steps in the right direction.",Personality disorder +51197,Family relationships I had a weird childhood where I feel to this day like a lot of my own relatives don’t know the real me and it makes me sad to think about. And I wonder what caused that my own cousins don’t really talk to me. They are a bit older and have different life situations but still. I have vague memories of things that could’ve went wrong looking back. Maybe some conflicts but it’s so unclear I’m not sure. Is anyone else here able to relate?,Personality disorder +51441,"How would I go about telling a person with AvPD how much I admire them? From what I understand of this disorder, it would be difficult/near impossible to actually make them believe it. Is there any way I could? Is it worth trying regardless of the end result? Would it make them uncomfortable? + +Thank you for any responses :)",Personality disorder +51354,,Personality disorder +51505,"does working out help? i’m not grossly unhealthy, but one of the most unfit person alive (can barely do 1/3 a push up type bad). i’ve tried working out thrice but i kept quitting one week in due to the embarrassment of trying to improve. i also hated to be reminded that i’m weak, which floods my mind whenever i do an exercise. + +but i was wondering, did working out manage to help anyone? should i try again, or just give up?",Personality disorder +50939,"vent I honestly hate my life, I think everything sucks and nobody is cool. I don't have any friends. I have people I can occasionally speak to once a week, sure, but I don't have any friends. I don't even call my boyfriend half the time so i just constantly feel like I'm in some sort of simulation. I can't make friends because my autism greatly impedes how likeable i seem and the only people who do pay attention to me are guys that wanna fuck me because I'm attractive, so i end up speaking to no one, i just hate it here.",Personality disorder +50875,"What comorbidities do you all have? I have AvPD BPD and major depression myself. + +I was wondering what you deal with in your daily lives.",Personality disorder +51440,"I'm a burden (20F) I moved back home to help my mom lessen the load that's on her with houseworks, physical illness and a stressful season at work. I wanted to get a job to aid the financial situation and to do as much housework as possible so that she'd be relieved. + +Instead, I'm avoiding all the job opportunities, high on anxiety if I manage to land an interview, rejecting the final offer in doubts of my ability to fulfill the employers expectations. I can't imagine myself doing any of the jobs properly so basically I don't even try them. + +And not only that, I've drifted into depression again and have regular involuntary outbursts of crying even in front of her. Which of course puts even more pressure on her. + +I'm a burden, I live off of my parents, not contributing due to my goddamn diminished self worth and avoidant patterns. I have a therapist, but the sessions are just once a week and of course it takes time to establish what we're working on and to start changing the patterns. It's been a month now though and so far so avoidant and depressed. I'm starting to get impatient because I don't want to be a burden any longer. Kinda wishing I never existed because if I unalive myself now, it's going to be just as much of a burden as if I stay alive, avoidant.",Personality disorder +50676,Hypochondria Who here has hypochondria?,Personality disorder +51540,"here i go. im trying to find out my feelings another day. + +# + +at my core i feel gone like something was never placed there. im 28 years old. + +i will try to explain it as numb or not there. i dont feel like there is something on the inside of my mind. + +looking for people who relate or any support. Do you think it has a name, its not really depression imo.",Personality disorder +50770,"Making changes in a terrible depression Tw lightly suicidal + +This week I have to begin fixing my life. I don’t have a choice in the matter. I will need to see a new psychiatrist, and a new therapist. I need to get a job, I need to eat. I have so much to do to fix myself before I can even start with the basics of life. And worst of all, I have to be honest to heal. I’m not even honest with myself. I just smile and nod to everyone. No one takes me seriously, because I’m always laughing and joking. I can’t turn it off. Like when your parents say ‘keep making that face and it’ll stick that way forever,’ I got my face stuck in a clown mask. + +I feel like a shriveled, dehydrated soul. Like a sewer rat crawling out of the soggy drain. I’m horrifically depressed, the worst of my life. And honestly the effort just doesn’t feel worth it. I’d really rather just rot and die. I’m so terrified of all this, I’d prefer to die. But I couldn’t make that choice either. I am trapped on all sides.",Personality disorder +51551,"Trouble saying ""I love you"" Just curious about this. I've noticed in myself that while I can say it to my family members, I have trouble saying it to anyone else. I have a few close friends in particular who say it a lot to me and to one another, and I just can't say it back for some reason. And it's not that I don't care about my friends, it's just some mental block in my head I guess. Saying it to parents or siblings feels more ""automatic"" in a way I guess, and is therefore less uncomfortable. Such as ending a phone call with ""love you, bye"" ""love you too, bye"". But outside of that I have trouble with it. + +Does anyone else experience this? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10ltnzn)",Personality disorder +51015,This disorder feels like permanent burnout. I’d never felt more hated than when I look at myself. Just plain inferior. It’s dramatic but sad. You can’t really get through much without falling apart. Don’t judge me but to me it really always gonna be like this because I’ve lost hope.,Personality disorder +50749,,Personality disorder +51604,"I barely drink water because of AVPD At my job, there is only one drinking fountain in the very large floor I work at. So that means it's always crowded. As if that's not bad enough, it's far from my office, which means you have to cross paths with loads of people to get there. For those reasons going for water is always a nightmare of awkwardness and anxiety, and I avoid it as much as possible. As a result, I end up so thirsty most of the day, craving that delicious cold water, but the thirst is not worse than the suffering the anxiety gives me. This disorder is so fkng weird.",Personality disorder +50915,"Is avoidance a trauma response/coping mechanism gone awry? In the sense that since avoidance worked dealing with earlier trauma, you just (involuntarily and unaware) start applying it on everything that causes fear?",Personality disorder +51567,Does Childhood Emotional Neglect Cause Avoidant Personality Disorder? Not sure if anyone shared this here before (its from 2016) but I thought it was an interesting read.,Personality disorder +51447,"does anybody else get overly hurt and offended when somebody comments about how quiet you are? +I’ve been the quiet girl my entire life and I cannot tell you how many times during school and now work I’ve heard people tell me how quiet I am. One of my teachers once called me “the quietest girl they’d ever known” and I would always get called a mute or asked if I ever talked. And I can’t explain why but every time someone says that to me or even pokes fun at me for it I have to hold back tears and just smile or lightly laugh it off. I don’t even know what to say when someone says that and it makes me feel even worse. I would even go as far as to say it ruins my day because my brain just fixates on that and tells me there’s something wrong with me over and over and it’s all I can think about. I hate it. I know I’m not normal, I know I’m quiet, I know I don’t talk much, so why does it hurt so much when someone tells me that?",Personality disorder +51406,Cat is missing and I have no one I can talk to. Our cat who I love dearly has been missing for 3 nights now and she’s never stayed outside for more than a few hours in the entire last 2 years that we’ve lived here so I’m really worried. It sucks having no friends sometimes. I wish I had a single good friend I could talk to.,Personality disorder +50833,"what avoidance feels like to me i'm not diagnosed but i always thought there was something deeply wrong with me. i've never kept a friend longer than a couple years. i'm in my second year of college and i have been at zero since covid happened. i've transferred schools so new place and new people and i'm more isolated than before. + +it feels like i'm not human because i'm unable to do the human thing and communicate. like i'm watching and observing but as an alien or a void or something that looks human but if you look to closely its all distorted. or robotic even. someone's failed attempt at a human being. + +all i do is lay in bed and ruminate over every bad interaction with past friends and family or think about how my roommates or classmates perceive me. fake conversations justifying my actions to absolutely no one. it feels like i'm going insane. i thought it was just social anxiety but i don't get panic attacks. and my reluctance and inability feels wired directly into my veins, every fiber of my being and it feels like it can't be undone. like my entire identity is wrapped up in being alone. and that's all i'll ever be.",Personality disorder +50756,"Who is my first love? Have I fallen in love yet? As someone with AVPD, I have trouble connecting with people. I know I'm smart, and attractive, and I care for people, but it's my lack of social skills that make it hard for people to see the real me. I've had two guys like me back in the past few years. Which one of them would be considered my ""first love""? + +The first guy ""Dave"" I met when I was 19 on vacation. He and I would just talk at the pool about politics and education (even though he was kind of a party guy, he has a nerdy side). We only hung out for two days, but after our first day hanging out, the second day, he was really shy talking to me. But our romance was cut short because he had a girlfriend, and made the mistake of spilling the beans about his crush on me to other kids at the resort. He cut off contact with me, but when they broke up a month later, he started looking at my social media a lot. Not to mention, he made a playlist about me for my birthday. We don't even talk, so I don't know if this is some sort of peace offering or apology. + +The second guy ""Steve"" I met a year later, at my job. He and I bonded on the first day of work about growing up in the same hometown, and I told my mom that day about how we bonded over our ""parallel lives"". We worked together for a little over a year. And we never went out or anything, but he would hit on me a lot. But stupid me was either too dense to realize he was flirting or too surprised in the moment to say any good flirting lines back. But a customer asked me for my number one day, and I gave it to him. I guess I kind of wanted to motivate my crush to ask me out, but literally the week after, he went out with his sister's friend (the sister set them up), but they broke up and he likes me. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wpn90)",Personality disorder +51228,,Personality disorder +51217,"i don’t know why i don’t like having relationships with people i’ve always felt extremely anxious around people and unfortunately due to covid/quarantine, i’ve gotten really used to and fond of being alone. i’ve have “friends” but i’m horrible to them, i feel extremely guilty about it but i just don’t know what to do. i constantly avoid going places with them by coming up with really elaborate excuses, i don’t let them know anything about me or my personal life either. but they’ve always for some reason have come to me for advice and to vent, i don’t necessarily dislike when they do that, but i’m not opening up to them about myself, and i think i’m hurting them in the process. the idea of me having friends or even a romantic relationship sounds really nice in theory, but the moment anyone shows any sort of initiative to become my friend i immediately become exhausted or even sometimes annoyed. i feel like such a deeply horrible person because of my cowardliness since i don’t ever express this to anyone. i just don’t know what to do, i want to be alone but i also want someone to care for me and i care for them, but i realistically just don’t see that happening to me, maybe i don’t deserve it i really don’t know. +this all sounds really convoluted but if anyone relates or has any advice please let me know.",Personality disorder +50838,"its becoming impossible to keep avoiding my life without real consequences well, real consequences already happened, and i avoided facing the feelings that wouldve prevented them from happening + + +but now my parents are threatening putting me in a halfway home or making me live with them again, them saying they would sell the house, which utterly terrifies me + + +but in the face of how my life has gone, suicide is also a considerable option, tho not one i can follow through on (but its becoming easier to every day) + + +its amazing how the economy and life can utterly ruin people, isnt it + + +why is it so hard for me to speak in my own voice (oh right, the trauma) + + +its really hard to drag them out of it as their minds resemble mine far too much and mine resembles theirs far too much + + +the pain of having to get a job while also not even being able to be myself in real life is really depressing, i feel like just another person with unfulfilled dreams forced to grow up and accept reality",Personality disorder +51121,"On a bachelorette trip I’ve had to mentally prepare for this trip for weeks. I’ve been so anxious about going and being around a bunch of girls I don’t know well. Although I was nervous the trip has been going well. Until last night. + +I was in the bathroom with a couple girls at this bar, talking to a girl and just making conversation. At one point she just told me to go away. I repeated what I said because I thought I had misheard her. Then she told me to go away again. Me being dpd/avpd I don’t handle confrontation well. So I just walked away. + +I told another girl there who I trusted and she helped me feel better. But these situations are why I struggle with going out/meeting new people. At any moment they can just say one thing that completely ruins my whole night. And the next day. And the next few days after that. + +I know she’s probably just insecure and projecting that on to me. But sometimes I feel like a magnet for those things. I’m the one who ends up getting picked on and I don’t stand up for myself so it keeps on happening.",Personality disorder +51705,"Once people get to know me they tend to love me... They only problem is they never get to know me, because the only possible way they will is if I am forced to be in a situation with repeated exposure to them, in which case I become familiar and slowly open up over the span of a week or two. It's downright disturbing how many times this has happened in my life, and it's depressing to think that those opportunities are few and far between now that I'm out of the primary environment they occur (school). I was so desperate at one point that, despite having everything people normally strive for (great career, money, success, etc.), I thought about joining the army just to meet people... Holy shit what is wrong with me.",Personality disorder +51590,"Ever (knowingly) met anyone else with avpd? Wouldn't that be great? A general acceptance understanding of eachother's issues. Instant common ground. I've been able to discuss mental health in general with people, but this disorder is so specific. I feel you have to have it to truly grasp what it's like to walk a day in the shoes",Personality disorder +50725,"I hate myself so much I met this guy on vacation, and we hung out for two days at the pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I'd known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like ""oh look your boyfriend's here"". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. I was bullied at school for being the quiet kid in class, and I would run to my parents, hoping they'd comfort me. But they'd get mad at me for being so quiet and they'd blame me too. I used to go up to my room at night and sing myself to sleep ""someday, my prince will come"". Now he was finally here. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got mad at our friends for telling me. + +He cut off contact with with me. I was so sad that the one person who saw me for the good I have to offer, still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I’m not angry at him for being loyal. I’m angry at him for thrusting me into this situation. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, but I was the one that suffered the greatest. He got to choose between two girls. His girlfriend is a victim too, but at least he tried to make things okay with her. And me? I had no intention of getting in the way of a relationship. I just thought I finally fell in love.",Personality disorder +51665,"An absence of social pleasure (social anhedonia) It is not possible to know what it is like to experience the world from inside someone else’s body, but I can infer from others that people enjoy being with other people more than I do. + +It is rare that I enjoy a person’s company. Usually I look forward to being alone again. Instead of pleasure, I do feel an absence of loneliness or fear, but these are not pleasure. I very much experience health benefits from being with other people, I can’t deny this, but in the moment I feel like something important is missing. + +To say it different, I don’t feel a desire to be with others unless I am wanting to soothe or avoid loneliness or fear. By default, being alone is peaceful and ideal. + + +Is it really anhedonia, or is it also possible that my default is actually that the social anxiety overpowers the social pleasure so that I can’t feel feel. And it takes a really strong negative emotion to overpower social anxiety in order to provoke a desire to be with others. + +Wish I understood so that I could participate more in life.",Personality disorder +51423,Getting uncomfortable around friends/family Is it usual for people with avpd to get unomfortable around their friends/family if they spend too much time in one go or know too much about them? Do they often ghost their friends?,Personality disorder +51000,"ghosted for two interviews in a row.. I just can't deal with the phone calls I'm so much isolated that now I feel like i can't talk to anyone I'm 26 need jobs badly so applied but i just couldn't make it to go for the interview, i already know i don't have any skills and nobody will hire me with this type of personality +I can't even defend myself in the fight like if someone raise the voice get so emotional and feel like crying...😭",Personality disorder +51356,"Do avpd make you deny or suppress parts of yourself? also, can you mention what parts it suppresses? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10ys758)",Personality disorder +51745,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkyz3)",Personality disorder +50683,Who knew Omg I'm home. Finally a place I belong.,Personality disorder +51621,"Avoidance confusion Anyone else have to think about if they’re avoiding/pushing away someone because they genuinely don’t like that person or just because commitment is scary? I moved in with a friend and, surprise surprise, it didn’t go well. But also there were a lot of things they did that really upset. And when I expressed my feelings they used my mental health against me, despite the fact that I never really talked about it with them in the first place. This is just one example of someone who I wonder if it was my mental health/avoidance issues or if I genuinely didn’t want to be around them because of the layers of things they did that upset me while living together, that made me see who they truly were as a person. Or am I just coming up with excuses?",Personality disorder +50693,"Do you think this a good description of our experiences? This is an excerpt from the introduction of a book called *On The Outside Looking In* by Daniela Grazia, about her experiences with social anxiety. + +I’ve used it to describe my experiences to others, but I have both social anxiety and AvPD so I worry if I’m not explaining from the ‘correct’ side (?). I’m also a psychology student and find it interesting to try to distinguish the two. I suppose it only matters in my head, but it does matter. + +The quote (one long one, formatting issues): +>“It is a feeling that comes over me often, an old menace that stubbornly refuses to die. In classes, in coffee shops, in almost any activity where surrounded by potential friends. It is the profound feeling of alienness. + +>”At any moment in the group conversation, something in me snaps. I look around the table at the other people blissfully talking, and I do not feel like one of them. I am not one of them. I am different, a foreigner, an alien, a stranger in a strange land. + +>”And then the urge to run away, to hide, to be away from the people comes up. Sometimes I fight the urge and stay on, hiding my vast discomfort. Other times I do run away, cursing the cowardice and the shame, miserable in my misanthropy, but secure in my solitude. + +>”There is something in the faces, in the voices of the others that I do not have. They are into the conversation. They live outside themselves, I live inside myself. They talk, listen, and laugh; I think, listen, and smile. + +>”They are relaxed. I am not. I am never relaxed, except when I’m alone. Solitude is the only place where I can ever truly be known. + +>”Yet I am not content with this. For the real me is lonely, desperately lonely, longing for intimacy, friendship and love. I long to be able to relax, to laugh, to talk, and converse amiably with other human beings. But I cannot. I idealize them in private and fear them in public. + +>”Fear...fear drives the haunted mind. Fear tortures me, gnaws at me, and chases me from nearly everything I crave the most. But not even fear can conquer the longing, the desperate longing, the aching striving for meaning in life, for something other than the endless nights alone and unhugged, the dreams unshared, the life unnoticed. + +>”When I am alone, I wish I was other people. When I am with other people, I wish I was alone. This contradiction is slowly, but ruthlessly destroying my soul.”",Personality disorder +51158,"I’m too scared for therapy. I have social anxiety and avoidant personality. So how the fuck am I supposed to tell a stranger that I’m suicidally depressed because I have no friends and the loneliness makes life unworthy of itself? + +That’s a very embarrassing thing to tell someone face to face. + +So yeah I really want therapy at this point because I just want to do everything I can to try get better but there’s no fucking way I’m going to a therapist and telling them I’m a sad loser with no friends. I can’t ever ask a waiter for the bill. + +What a pickle :/",Personality disorder +50811,"is there a point in trying to completely get over this shit i try so hard to get close to people and basically no ones ever responsive, and literally no one gives more than baseline politeness. i expend so much energy trying and nothing comes of it. all i get is hurt because people dont care about me at all. it hurts so much to try and get nothing and rejection in return. + +I'm genuinely wondering if there's really any point in me continuing to try when nothing works out and i just end up in so much pain. i want to just give up and isolate, to save energy and prevent this fucking god awful pain i keep feeling over and over again every time something social comes up + +i understand part of this hopeless feeling is my unrelenting depression but ive quite literally never been able to develop true close relationships outside fucking elementary school and im 21 now",Personality disorder +51312,What is your top 3 songs alltime? My 3 are Hammock Sinking inside yourself(saved my life)😊 Hammock procession/Love in the void&Hammock Dissonance❤️,Personality disorder +51289,socializing in public has the same feeling of walking into an employee only area in stores I'm sure you've seen those doors with the warning signs that say it's not meant for customers at establishments. Socializing with avpd feels I'm walking into one of those employee only areas. That same sense of urgency knowing that I don't belong there and I need to get out before something bad happens..,Personality disorder +51718,"What are your waking habits like? I try to be an early bird and probably feel a bit more human when I am but it's definitely more natural for me to be awake in the early hours of the morning and wake up later in the day. + +Thought it was worth asking to see whether most are night owls in an attempt to avoid life? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11y8hsd)",Personality disorder +51048,"small victories I’ve been secretly struggling with avpd for years, I couldn’t even tell you when it began. What I do know is- it started out as severe social anxiety and has gotten progressively worse as times passed. I have panic attacks/trouble sleeping nearly every day and feel like I’m incapable of doing anything 99% of the time. I’ve never told anyone about my struggles. Today I started online college and signed up for betterhelp therapy through my school. I’m absolutely terrified for this journey but I’m proud of myself for pushing myself to get here. As someone who’s struggled to commit to a career/obligations and take initiative with anything- this is huge for me. I never thought I could get to this point- and I still have to follow through with everything I’ve committed to lol- but I’m wishing you all the best and encourage you to celebrate your little victories everyday.",Personality disorder +50706,,Personality disorder +51738,Link to AvPd Podcasts https://open.spotify.com/show/5WI3mYjRpKXQJHjt0W12e9,Personality disorder +51013,"What's the point? I literally don't see a reason to continue living like this. I have no friends. I'm incapable of forming any meaningful relationships. I lack the ability to function in society successfully. I have no long term goals. I'm a burden and disappointment to my family. I live in a perpetual state of guilt and fear. The only time I'm vaguely happy is when I'm drunk, but I know that's not sustainable.",Personality disorder +51373,sweating Anybody else start sweating like a whore in church on Sunday when dealing with ppl?,Personality disorder +51056,,Personality disorder +51075,"The hollow self My life is spent largely devoted to work. Between morning prep, commute, actual work hours, and evening prep like laundry, packing lunches, and other small maintenance tasks I only get about 3 hours a day to be myself. After all, I need to be in bed at a decent hour or else I won’t be well-rested for the next work day. That’s it. That’s my life. + +Meanwhile, even though I’m so devoted to work that I sacrifice the vast majority of my life for it, I’m barely earning enough money to survive. I have over $50,000 in debt that is slowly growing as I struggle to make ends meet. I don’t know if I can ever pay it off. I can pay off maybe 1/3rd of it if I really push hard and eat ramen for the next 6 months. I’m turning 40 in 6 months. + +At what point am I supposed to go from “surviving” to “thriving”? I know most people earn the majority of their money later in life but I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. What is my purpose? Why am I grinding on the world’s worst-ever RPG system? I feel like I’m on an economic treadmill that keeps speeding up every year, and at some point I know I won’t be able to keep up. + +My job itself is relatively easy, I’m a data analyst at a medical device manufacturer. For the most part it’s just pulling reports for managers and being really good at Excel and Power BI. Though I don’t know if I’m that good at my job. Tomorrow marks 1 year in this position, and every night I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum. Like I’m that guy on the team that everyone else talks about behind his back. I imagine they say things like, “He’s so slow. What’s he even doing all day?” or “I better schedule this meeting because if I wait for him to do it, it’ll never get done.” They don’t say these things out loud of course, and maybe they don’t even think them… but maybe they do. Maybe I’m just treading water but refusing to swim towards the shore. I think I’m ok because my head is still above water, but realistically if I keep doing this I will drown. I need to swim. + +I just feel like such a loser, all the time. I don’t have kids, and I don’t want them. I’m not married, but I’ve been in a relationship with someone for just over 12 years. We live together. She makes a lot more than I do, so she pays the mortgage and I pay everything else. It’s probably not a fair arrangement for her, but I just literally don’t make enough to split everything 50/50. She earns $40k more than I do a year. She would literally need to pay our mortgage 3x a month just to get to my wage. Then we could split the 4th one, that would make it even. Even with that justification in my mind, it makes me feel like a loser. Not that she makes more than me- good for her! She deserves it! Just that I can’t contribute equally. I feel like a mooch. We work the same hours at the same company and do roughly the same amount of work. But her’s pays more. Them’s the breaks I guess. + +Overwhelming shame. About nearly everything. + +I’m too fat. I’m too bald. I’m too old. + +I’m not smart enough. I’m not rich enough. I’m not funny enough. + +I know those are called “automatic negative thoughts”, or ANTs, and like ants they should be easy to squash. I’ve read about them in cognitive behavioral therapy books. I would go to therapy, but it’s expensive. My company pays for 3 sessions a year. The other 49 weeks you can fuck off and die, I guess. + +Is there more to this life? Is this all I’m supposed to do? Click buttons all fucking day, sit on the couch and scroll on my phone while watching some insipid movie or tv show, then repeat? All day, every day, until I’m old enough to scrape by on social security? This is it, huh? This is the whole fucking thing? + +There needs to be more, because I swear sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth it. I’m not suicidal or anything but like what exactly is motivating me to keep going? + +I have hobbies and interests, and I indulge in them as often as I can. I grow hot peppers and make my own hot sauces, I hike in the woods and enjoy nature, there’s so many things to occupy my free time—if I HAD ANY- but the fact is I devote 87.5% of my day to making someone else richer. So my measly 3 hours a day- which are in the darkness by the way because the sun has set- are not exactly prime times for gardening or hiking. I have an automatic timer that waters my plants for me because I can’t even be present to tend to my own garden. + +It’s absolutely ridiculous. + +When exactly am I supposed to do anything of substance, of value? + +3 hours in the fucking dark. + +That’s what I get to live off of. + +Most of that time is spent focusing on my increasing mound of debt. + +$50,000 would literally change my life and put me back in the green for the first time in years. Meanwhile, I get to help analyze the company private jet spend. Cost us over $365,000 to operate for a total of 11 days last month. We paid $75,000 just in pilot fees for the month of January. I don’t earn that in a year. So when I see how much money there is, how much is available to toss around, and just how little of it I get… why would I “work harder”? Why would I sign up for more of this disrespect? + +I just don’t know why. Why can’t I work 4 days instead of 5? Why can’t I be remote, considering I have only had 1 face-to-face meeting in the last month? I’m wasting a ton of money on a car that I primarily use to get to work, a ton of money on a special wardrobe that I only wear at work—it’s absurd. And depressing.",Personality disorder +51102,"Rock. Bottom. I'm at rock bottom right now. I'm about to lose my job my next work day most likely and be jobless. Family is so disappointed in me. Everyday I'm in survival mode at work. Avoidance had bleeded into my job and I can't help it. The anxiety is too crippling and it makes me do all sorts of weird awkward shit at my job. My chronic isolation outside of work also seemingly killed my social skills so I feel numb to all interactions. I sense a mental breakdown is about to erupt and I'm likely to walk away the job but I'd rather get high and lose my job over marijuana then quitting. Either way, I'm doomed. I have a bad reputation in my job at this point, my real self is being exposed coworkers for sure shame gossiping me. My coworkers all have strong connections with each other now and I'm still that one insecure, awkward shy guy. So ashamed. Worked my warehouse job over a year and half now. Idk how I made it this far but my behaviorial symptoms have caught up to me. Literally avoiding everything at work and everybody. Hide in bathroom during breaktimes. Avpd and depression worst combo. Consequently, I didn't save enough money while working this warehouse job not only for myself but for the sake of my immediate family as well so everything about to come crashing on me. Addictions make saving money hard even at the sake of supporting family 😔. I let myself down and my family. Sighhh. What a crippling hell of a condition avpd + depression is. No excuses. I can't even leave my house. I can see myself being homeless potentially in the near future. Everything that involves making a decision I literally just can't do and that includes getting help. Ik this was a lot y'all just wanted to vent 😭. Your not alone if reading this keep your head high I don't mean to bring u guys down 😔. If you're making progress I'm proud of you and that means a lot for me and the rest of avpd sufferers. Thanks for reading!",Personality disorder +51331,"Hatred, jealousy and hesitation. (Confession) + +This is just something I want to get off my chest. I can't stand it. Well, I couldn't stand it in middle school, it's been 10 years since, but I'm starting to have the words for it. + +The 3 things that I wish I could just snap my fingers and get rid of. + +Jealousy: I am jealous of many people. Impersonally. I'm jealous of people who do things that make them cute, who do things that everyone enjoys and wish they could do for money, I'm jealous of people who speak naturally without any sort of impediment, especially those who entertain for a living, I'm jealous of people who are pretty. + +Hatred: Goes hand in hand with jealousy a lot of the time. I also hate pretty much everyone I'm jealous of and I want to wipe them out. I want to take everything they have. No, not just a single one, but all of them. Because all that's theirs is mine. I want everyone who doesn't fall to my wrath to be scared of me. To pray for my mercy. To spend every waking hour thanking me for letting them live. And that I can take everything they have with the snap of my fingers. + +Hesitation: I don't even know where to start. The world has told me everything has to be done in a way I don't know how to achieve.",Personality disorder +50938,"I have to tell my family I dropped out of college, immediately It’s all coming to a boiling point. + +My mother says: “You need to go into what you need to do for graduation or if you are not doing the ceremony then please be kind enough to tell me now.” + +Of course, I’ve known for months that graduation is not happening. I’m too afraid to tell them and admit I’m so sick. I’ve been lying the whole time and I feel disgusting. But even if I’m too afraid to tell them, they will know eventually (there’s either a ceremony to attend, or there’s not) and come to their own conclusions of me. + +They are extremely abusive people, and I know they are going to shame me severely. They are the reason I even have this disorder in the first place, and now I have no choice but to sit there and let them blame and shame me for having it. I can’t handle living alone right now, or being completely by myself. I feel I have no choice but to throw myself into the flames and let any confidence I had left burn away + +Pain is the only option I have, on all sides. I don’t know how to deal with any of this.",Personality disorder +51246,"What should I do? Sorry for my bad English, but I've been bottling up for too long, and I don't know what to do, no one can understand me even my parents and therapists and strangers on the internet. + +Last year (2022), in February, I quit college (online) cuz I can't handle it, even though I got a good grade in one of my courses but I didn't think I got it at all! And after that, I wanted to start the business but I don't have money, my mom gave me money but she just gave me 16$, she said: ""After the items sold out, I will give u money again"". But when I started to sell in my shop, it didn't succeed cuz maybe I just have little items. Also, when I was in college, my mom rarely gave me money, unless it was for college tuition and the money for internet. My father is still alive but he never paid for my school. But the hurt thing in my life was my stepbrothers think that my father never gave them money cuz they think that all of my father's money was used up for me. + +And now I am 22y.o. I sent many job applications (about 20+ or more), but just get accepted for 1 job, but I ignore it cuz I can't ride a motorcycle and I think the salary was too low. I was thinking that I want to go to another country for a job, so I can get better life cuz I have a chronic illness and mental illness, but I don't have money. I told my mom about that, but she didn't agree with me, she want me to just stay here. I rarely lied to my parents when I was asking for money but now, sometimes I am lying to them cuz I think they are too stingy for just the only child in this family. + +I wanted to try short courses to get a remote job but I am unmotivated. People on the internet was saying that I have a sexy body when I sent my pics to them. I was thinking that maybe I can get a job in onlyfans but I was too shy about that. I've never doin' voice calling and video calling when I was doin' sexting. Btw, I am still a virgin but sometimes I want to try to lose it, but now there is no way to lose it cuz I have no life and my life is messed up.",Personality disorder +50881,"At this point I don’t think there’s anything in this world that can cure this innate sense of loneliness inside me. Am I destined to be like this forever? +Relationships seem pointless, and I don’t know if I could even handle being in one anyway. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and I don’t know how to be anything else. I’ve never even had a crush on an actual person. It sounds conceited but nobody I’ve met is interesting to me in that way, and I feel like if I gave someone a chance I’d just end up breaking their heart because of this nothingness inside me. Right now I can’t even imagine myself being intimate with anyone, and I feel like I’m not emotionally available enough to have someone rely on me like that. They’d probably end up feeling more like a burden to me more than anything, and I don’t want to do that to anyone. + +I really hope one day I’m wrong and I’ll meet someone that makes me feel a little more human, but I don’t have much hope.",Personality disorder +51007,"At a conference for work and everything is making me want to hide. I am completely struggling. I am feeling a ton of social anxiety, and to compound that avpd is on overdrive. desperately want to hide and isolate and just get away from everyone including the few people I actually know here. Just (hopefully) stubbly ditched my one acquaintance here to go find a spot alone. I feel completely uncomfortable physically and mentally. I have to stay here because I have a networking event my boss is going to and I’m a guest of honor so I’m required to stay until tonight for but that makes everything even worse because people are bound to come up to me and ask about my work. Shit I hate avpd, everyone here is just chatting and enjoying themselves and learning and I am so in my head I can barely process anything.",Personality disorder +50663,,Personality disorder +51782,Why do people always come with this remark? So i just started supplement license beside my real license(hope its understandable). We have to drive some lesson and i was with a new driving instructor. Finished my lesson and he gave me some tips. One of Them was i dont need to be a “mouse” at this point i just felt insulted. Why is there always a expectation to be talkative? Yeah im gonna drive people around most elderly but im gonna try as much i can. Im seriously tired of society always expecting everyone to be bubbly and talk constantly….,Personality disorder +50684,,Personality disorder +51728,I can't pretend anymore. I can't market myself anymore. I can't pretend that I have more going for me than I do. I just can't.,Personality disorder +51345,"Just a question. Hello, I wonder. How many people on this subreddit are diagnosed with avpd. In my case it started with social anxiety 20 years ago. Tried a lot of things, nothing helped me so I gave up. I was on healthcare all that time. I still am. +My untreated social anxiety evolved in all these years into avpd. Just a question.. Cause when I hear my friends say.. I have anxiety also.. But they're having a normal life. It's tiring hearing and reading such things. It feels like no one understands what it really is... having avpd. +For me it started long time ago after having meningitis. Now, after 20 years looking for answers this is upsetting to hear. My doc never told anything about it. He was my doc since I was a kid. This makes me mad. He ignored all these things. He knew everything about me but never made the connection with meningitis. My mental state when I left the hospitral, the trauma...he ignored it all. I'm hearing this fromy parents know. How traumatized I was. My doc blamed me when I was using things trying to handle my anxiety and depression. Judging me for everything. I'm discovering this all now, 30 years later. It's a shame. He's total ignorent. Not my doc anymore but i wanted to send a e mail to him.. Wanting answers...cause discovering this now is making me mad at my doc that knew me for 30 years. No one ever made the connection with meningitis. It wasn't written in any report. When I was reading story's of other people..I felt guilt. Thinking... But my youth was good... I'm just a crybaby.. Wanting attention. Finally 30 years later i'm getting answers. Way to late. If i have knew this decades ago.. My psychiatrists, therapist.. My life would be maybe different now. My new doc and psychiatrist are saying this...why didnt anyone knew about this. They don't understand. Maybe times have changed. But it makes me made inside.",Personality disorder +51578,,Personality disorder +51398,"Is it better to never experience love and thus never get hurt, or it's worth trying even if the hurt will have long-lasting consequences or will lead to something more drastic, like suicide? As the title says, I'm so sensitive to rejection that the smallest amount of desinterest, banter or subtle mockery can send me into a suicidal episode with the ""never going to be good enough"" mantra at its core. I'm presented with the chance of entering a relationship but I'm literally scared shitless, ugh just wanna pull away.",Personality disorder +50988,"being pretty isn’t always what it seems I don’t mean to sound conceited or anything, but being pretty isn’t all it’s cut out for. I know I’m perceived by others as being conventionally attractive, but sometimes I feel like it isolates me even more. There’s nothing but a void inside this empty shell of a person, but nobody ever thinks I would feel this way because of the way I look. Nobody thinks that someone like me could hate themselves so deeply, nobody thinks someone like me would need help or be this fucked up. People probably think I’m a bitch in real life when they try to talk to me but I genuinely just don’t know how to respond or have a genuine conversation. The answers I do give are bland and the words that come out of my mouth aren’t the ones I actually wanted to say. I probably come off as rude or disinterested when I don’t mean to, and it pushes people away because they think I’m stuck up or think I’m better than them. I feel like a doll trying her best to mimic the people around her. Something people like to look at sometimes, but then inevitably get bored with and cast aside. + +Anyways, sorry if this seems like I’m vying for attention with this, but I just wanted to give a different perspective. Lonely pretty girls are more common than you think.",Personality disorder +51116,"Addictions Hi there! Was wondering how many avoidants have additions that help them to cope, thanks + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11bo266)",Personality disorder +50661,"AE feel like this? I’m 24 and don’t have a stunningly high body count, it never used to bother me but once i hit my 20s and people i knew hit that phase of sleeping around and doing the casual relationship thing it just hooked into my brain + +I tried to do the whole hoe phase thing but i’m terrified of everything around being more intimate with someone, making moves, doing things right, my own body; just not being able to keep up the act ive got going and having to have someone see all of me, you know? + +and on paper i know it’s fine not everyone on earth is hoeing it up, either side of the spectrum is fine, but my brains really latched onto this as another thing that makes me different from everyone else and something people are going to judge me for. like i’m not a person because no one’s ever really wanted me. & every time someone brings it into conversation i just feel physically sick with how much of the biggest freak i feel like + +i’m sorry if this barely makes sense i just really needed to get this off my chest",Personality disorder +51171,"Married Ex-Coworker Stress So, there's a situation that occurred and it's tearing me apart from the inside. I'm absolutely terrible at showing emotions and ""making a move."" Hence my ""terminal aloneness."" *I wish it was terminal...* + +Last year, during the summer I temporarily got to experience what it was like to be ""wanted."" A coworker and I became friends, and she seemed to express interest in me. Time and time I'd go hang out with her, only to go home banging my head in frustration and wondering wtf was going on. + +Here's my only other post about her, for reference: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/comments/w1us95/situation_involving_married_coworker/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button + +Tldr of old post; she's married, but they are about to separate over issues they've had for years. (For those that think I'm being scummy, maybe. But she's leaving the country for good next month, without him.) Meanwhile, she's seemingly expressed interest in me while at the same time holding me at arms length away. She tells me all of these personal things about herself, including some secrets she says she's never told anyone. However, If she gives me a hug, it's half hearted most of the time. But with other guys, like the one she said weirded her out, she is willing to fully embrace them. + +Here's a worse part, I have a car and she can't drive. So when she needed things she'd pretend to want to hang out and ""go check something out."" Usually then, we'd go back to her place and she'd cook something for me, and I wouldn't feel it was a total loss getting food for the gas spent. But the last two times I went over there she kept going on and on about how tired she was so I left. Basically, having been used as a free Uber. + +**But here's the worst part!** + +The other day, on Valentine's Day, I called her up and she's busy chatting with strangers on Omegle. This one guy is flirting with her and she keeps telling me about how good he looks... and how he wants to do an online video date with her ""clothes optional."" The whole time she's giggling and basically ignoring what I'm saying. So I say I've got something to do and hang up. She has **the fucking nerve** to call me back and want a ride somewhere before she ""goes home to get some rest."" I keep it short and civil (what choice do people like us have?) and basically hang up and go to bed. + +The next day I texted her to ask ""how did your little e-date go?"" She responded ""huh?"" and I haven't talked to or heard from her since. Highly unusual because she *always* calls me several times on my 2 days off. Those days are over and I feel an incredible amount of stress about it.. my heart is going crazy and I feel like I'm waiting to get punished by the principle or something. + +I guess I lost whatever that was.. Life never wastes an opportunity to kick me when I'm down.",Personality disorder +50851,"How to not hurt peoples feelings I think I’m doing better at socializing than before but after a big socialization day I get so worn out from all the effort it takes that I need a recovery day where I literally don’t interact with anyone or else I start shutting down. + +However society does not work on my schedule and so obviously I can’t always have a recovery. When I’m socially overwhelmed I tend to give short answers and seem super aloof, disinterested, monotone etc. sometimes people take this personally even though it has nothing to do with them, I’m just worn out. + +Usually with strangers it doesn’t matter that much because I’ll never meet them again, but with my friends or partner it can be hard. They obviously care about me and start asking, “are you mad at me? Am I annoying? Etc.” and that kind of stuff is really irritating because it requires some level of delicacy by saying “you as a person are not annoying, but I’m just really irritated right now for reasons other than you, and you are exacerbating it. But it is not your fault and there’s no reason you would’ve known this” Like I wish I could just say that but literally nothing comes out of my mouth. I can’t manage anything other than a tiny whimper of a “no…” because I at least want to preserve their feelings. + +My partner especially gets insecure and frequently asks me “are you mad at me, do you hate me, am I annoying” somewhat in jest but also to an extent it’s a reflection of real insecurities I know she has told me about. I can’t handle navigating those questions when I’m socially overstimulated but I don’t want to make her insecure worse either. I know a relationship is a two way street but I always feel like a burden for my emotions and needs :-( + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +50950,"Depressive personality disorder? Hi, from what I can gather about Depressive personality disorder is it's a lot like AvPD but I can't seem to find out much about treatment for it. Or if it is even treatable. I took the mcmi iii and scored 111 (115 is as high as it goes) have AvPD, DPD and masochistic traits as well. But they seem to be coming down. Any information about this would be really helpful. I would really like to not have depression all my life. +Thanks in advance.",Personality disorder +51046,Meditation Hey y’all. I’ve just been wondering if any of you have tried and had success overcoming symptoms through meditating. Could it be worth a shot?,Personality disorder +51522,"This Sub has become a blessing in disguise for me I recently found out that I have been avoiding people and things because of fear of shame and rejections mostly. It has, to be fair affected many areas of my life. + +Almost every single popular post in this sub, (all the behaviors from reading it here and other mental health sites) I find super specific to me. + +It all just clicked in my brain and ever since then I've been purposefully doing the very things that I know for a fact I have more than a significant chance of getting rejected or embarrassed. It feels like I'm trying to move a pillar from my chest and sometimes I just wanna die. But I'm determined. I had one major moment of rejection today and I felt awful, one of the worst feelings. But I kept reminding myself that this is the way towards betterment. Facing my fears is the only way to not be afraid of it anymore. + +I have been feeling very uneasy but also experiencing a lot of new scenarios and feelings (so to speak). + +I'm also very secretive and don't share a lot. The purpose of this post is also to share my vulnerability with you all from my main Reddit account. (In the past I would've done it with an alt 100%). + +I hope anyone struggling with this, find some strength from this that would make me genuinely happy. Also, know that you can also get out of this. One small step for you and me, one giant leap towards betterment!",Personality disorder +51727,"Respond to my text immediately or I'll think I said something wrong I never let the ppl I talk to know this. That would just be manipulative and rude, but even if we been texting for years, good friends, and have been in a nonstop convo the past 5 hours, my heart still races when they take longer than usual to respond. I think oh fuck, I said something wrong. I always say something wrong. I can't ever say anything right. I'm such a- + +Then they'll reply. I chide myself for being so silly. Then do the same thing 40 more times within the same conversation. You'd think being proven wrong so many times would fix it, but no. I always think, ""Ah, *this* is the time I fucked up. All the others were false alarms, but I've really done it now."" Rinse repeat.",Personality disorder +51560,"AvPD and Social Anxiety on the rise? It feels like AvPD and social anxiety are becoming more prevalent (especially younger generations) and that this was exacerbated by the pandemic. Even before the pandemic it was an issue with the use of social media fueling a rise in mental health issues, but the isolation of the pandemic obviously made things worse. + +Maybe AvPD will become more mainstream in a few years?",Personality disorder +51797,"What are you guys good at? Sometimes I forget I'm good at things, it helps me to remember what ones since there's so much I feel like I'm *not* good at. I'm more than what I'm not naturally good at. + +I'm: + +* Very naturally flexible so yoga is easy for me. +* Extremely resourceful, I feel like I can make anything out of anything. +* Great at literary analysis. +* A good cook. +* I don't easily give up when something is difficult. +* Good at understanding & applying new concepts easily. +* Good at drawing & art. +* Good at trying new things if they're not too overwhelming. +* Empathetic and nonjudgmental (despite what my face and energy are giving off lol) +* Good taste, in books, fashion, films, etc. +* Good at gift-giving + +What about you all? ✌️",Personality disorder +51164,"Were you also diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder or do you exhibit symptoms? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/1192nkr)",Personality disorder +51426,"Annoying habit of sighing I sigh a lot. It's just a habit I developed after years of fighting my broken brain. And it's annoying because when I am around people and do that, it apparently gives them feeling like I am tired of them or even irritated, while in fact I am just tired every single second of my life. +It's not exactly avpd trait, I think it's more about being mentally ill in general. It's especially troubling during my work. No actual meaning behind all that, just vent about annoying shit in everyday life.",Personality disorder +50776,"Taking 24 hours or days to respond to texts? Hello lovely community, + +I’m reading a lot about this, mainly to understand the guy I’m dating better who has AVPD! + +My lovely community, please help me understand why it takes often over 24 hours to respond to a text from your loved ones? + +Is there specific content that triggers you to avoid replying I.e expression of feelings? Yet I hear that the AVPD community does enjoy getting reassurance. + +Sometimes it makes me feel like there’s a lack of interest but I often end up getting a reply after all- just days late . But it’s confusing to determine wether you are disinterested or just afraid to answer. + +Love to hear your thoughts/experiences",Personality disorder +51342,"Can't even show up for my own life and do the activities I wanna do. Honestly don't know where to go from here. Existence is completely wasted on me. I have group-oriented activities I want to join, yet I just can't do it...I can't even risk social rejection or ridicule. + +I'm currently in Thailand on a six-week trip with my partner and child. While that sentence doesn't exactly sound like it puts me in the category of avoidant personality disorder, I am one of the most avoidant people on Earth. + +I spent three years at university and only ever talked to about four people, none of whom I developed friendships with. I've spent my entire adult life working remotely alone at home so that I can avoid any work environment that requires socializing. Even my relationship is pretty low-quality; we don't exactly sit down and have lengthy interesting conversations every day. + +But perhaps even worse still, there are various group-oriented activities I'd love to try that would bring value to my life, and I can't at all bring myself to do them. One example is muay Thai. I signed up for a class yesterday, arrived at the gym, and turned back at the entrance. This has happened several times. And it's a consistent theme in my adult life, whether the activity is a martial art, soccer, or a hiking meetup. + +Basically, I can't show up for my own life and do the activities that I value. I'm not really living and never really have. I'm now 32 years old FFS, close to middle-aged. I'm almost certain I'll be dead before 35...what a waste of a human I am.",Personality disorder +51032,"Fear of jobs A person i know told me to give my resume at mcdonalds since he know people who work there, i told him i will think about it, and i'm getting so anxious, people i know work there, all i'm thinking is that i will get ridiculized by them because i'm inept and i have adhd, i heard it's pretty confusing working there, plus the restaurant is in city center, and there is alot of work. + +I'm almost 26, i know i have to start to live, i have zero experience, i'm still a f\*\*kin child, but i'm confused. + +Guys it's really really hard for me, what's your advice in this situation?",Personality disorder +50692,"this disorder has stopped me from pushing myself for the better me. Was scrolling on tiktok when I saw my previous school mate 2 years younger than me on my FYP. She's a famous race car driver representing our country all over the world. She now just recently joined an F1 school. I know money and her being a nepo baby (her father was also a race car driver before) helped her achieve big things, but she also wouldn't be where she is right now if she wasn't great. + +I just realized that I'm 2 years older than her and I'm about to repeat my last year of highschool (i dropped out this mid school year because of mental health reasons), and I still don't even know wtf I wanna do in life. + +My best friend is so fckin smart, she's studying right now to be a chemical engineer. My other best friend is also smart, all of his grade averages are 95+ (100 is the highest in my country). + +I'm surrounded by smart, and talented people with a future, people who will make a name for themselves and become rich in the future. People who have already carved their paths. While I'm here barely even making it through the day. I can't even go to school without wanting to off myself, while they're here working their ass off for their future. + +My best friends don't even know I already dropped out of high school. I'm too embarrassed to tell them. How can I tell them? They would be too embarrassed to have a highschool dropout as a friend. What am i even doing with my life? I always avoid things, things that make me feel uncomfy or unsafe. Now look where that got me. Stuck inside the house wasting my life away. I'm gonna be 20 in october, my teen years are finally over. I didn't even get to experience the things that teenagers are ""supposed"" to experience. I can't believe smart people like my friends are friends with someone as pathetic as me.",Personality disorder +51709,"My friend expressed that she is disappointed in me. Long story short, I felt tired and anxious and wanted to go home and skip one class. I didn't show up for this class in forever and didn't turn in much work, so she was worried I'd procrastinate like I did in 1 semester and fail. + +When I said I'll probably skip again, she looked at me with so much disappointment, and said ""I really should stop caring about people that much"". + +It didn't register then, but it hits me now how hurt I am from her words. It feels like I'm not doing good enough, and I probably am not. So that day I forced myself to sit through the class and even showed some progress to my professor. But I can't get the look on her face out of my mind. + +To be fair to her, I said I needed to leave in a kinda joking manner because that's my coping mechanism. So maybe she didn't think I felt as horrible as I did and thought i wanted to skip to avoid work.",Personality disorder +51640,,Personality disorder +51511,"Does your AvPD come with or co-exist with social anxiety? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10oscjl)",Personality disorder +50816,"I don’t know if I actually have AvPD Last few months I was struggeling with lots of depression. So I started looking on internet and I found lots of mental illnesses and I really felt like this one is really matching my symptoms. + +Now when I somehow improved my depression I see myself differently and I feel differently. I had depression my whole life without even realizing it, for me having depression was a normal state sme I had no idea that there is a non-depression state. + +But now when my depression improved I see that some of AvPD symptoms starting disappearing and I feel better. + +But at this point I am just not sure, I might have it and depression was making it worse. And I might now have it and it was “just” depression all the time.",Personality disorder +50721,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +50778,"I can't imagine what friendship would look like in my life I'm in my 40s now. The last time I had friends was in school. I'm not sure we would have been friends if the we hadn't been in the same environment day after day. Actually I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been. My friends mostly were other people who didn't have other friends, i.e. other outsiders. + +We'd meet to play computer games, or sometimes (rarely) go swimming. But we never really talked about personal stuff. I'm not even sure this counts as friendship? + +Anyway...so I've been without that kind of social connection for a long time now. Too busy struggling with education and work and health and life in general to engage in hobbies. + +I think I really have no idea what friendship is apart from seeing it on TV or remembering childhood friends. Is it more than spending time together and watching TV or engaging in hobbies together? Am I even capable of friendship? + +Consequently, friendship isn't something I've been looking for. Maybe if I knew what I'm missing out on, I would? + +I'm about to embark on a psychotherapy journey again, and I feel unprepared. What do I even want?",Personality disorder +51205,"Do I leave this friend? She's been a friend of mine for 5 years, she's caring, loyal and she's always been there for me but she has this habit. If she's upset she'll ignore the shit out of me, she'll snap at me for the smallest of things without warning. I've told her she has the right to be upset and express herself but she can give me a heads up instead of ignoring me and making me feel guilty. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. I asked this on a avpd reddit because I already feel lonely, I can't imagine losing her as well. What do I do?",Personality disorder +50658,,Personality disorder +51714,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 2) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z16lg)",Personality disorder +51629,"Do you have a desire for relationships? Relationships in general (platonic & romantic). + +Hope the options to choose are sufficient... + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10inkqj)",Personality disorder +51648,"Overwhelmed with everything right now I just started working in my first job after finishing university and I'm constantly worried about getting fired. I also constantly feel like my coworkers hate me. I'm moving out into my first own apartment at the end of the month and I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to take care of. I'm most likely also not going to see my friends again after moving away and I'm scared of being lonely in the new place. I also have to spend a lot of money on furniture and I'm worried about picking the wrong stuff. Additionally I have to make contracts for internet, electricity etc. And what if I don't like the apartment after moving in? I wish I didn't have to make that many decisions.",Personality disorder +51265,"Looks We found out that you don't like make/show selfies. + +How about your looks? Your clothes, haircut, do you have tattoos, piercing? Because it counts as self expression - something that AvPDs have problem with.",Personality disorder +51401,"is it just me or is most of the material you find online about this disorder defeatist af? Like most of the videos I find about avpd just states what it is, and then ends with ""yeah this isn't curable"". Then you venture into the comments and see people complaining about their partner with this disorder 💀.",Personality disorder +50941,I lie so much Does anyone else realize how much they lie to themselves and other people. I always rationalize it because I sometimes do it to protect my feelings or others' feelings but that doesn't make it any less wrong or cowardly.,Personality disorder +51402,"Am I just an A..hole? My main way I avoid people is by playing devils advocate, being cold, extreme opinions, saying rude things or sticking to superficial topics. I often compusively make myself the villian with friends. Not because I want to, but because having them hate me is secretly doing them a favor. +from all the post I've read alot of AVPD people sound like push overs or like eeyore from winnie the pooh. I'm starting wonder how many people play out their AVPD like me or if I'm got some other underlying disorder like odd or I'm just an a-hole? +Can someone confirm this?",Personality disorder +51081,,Personality disorder +51262,"AvPD getting worse over time? ive been noticing my symptoms increasing. its getting to the point i cant hold conversations with anyone but my wife without becoming suicidal. its been getting worse each week. is this normal? feburary is usually the hardest month of the year for me, so that might be a factor, but god is it going to continue like this forever?",Personality disorder +51530,"im supposed to go to therapy but then we're suddenly out of budget and now my birth giver, who caused all of this, told me to ""deal with it"". If it's that easy I wouldn't be missing school for months. It fucking sucks that EVERYONE is undermining everything we are going through. They don't realize how this affects our literal lives. They don't see how severe this is just because they can't see our disorder. When will the time come where people take mental health seriously? If this was a physical disorder, this would've been treated a long time ago. The school doesn't even take my situation seriously. They are basically telling me to ""get over it"". They are so fucking lucky they don't get to experience what we go through. It's not like we asked for this. Fuck I hate people SO MUCH. Literally the only people who sympathize with us is those who have AvPD too, literally only the community itself. It also doesn't help that my country is fucking nuts and religious and don't believe in mental health. If i asked for help, authorities would literally tell me to just pray and read the fucking bible. Fuck this country. Fuck people. Fuck everyone who doesn't take mental health seriously.",Personality disorder +51432,"I Just Talked With My Boss... Yeah... let me tell you, I might have nightmares about it. + +My job lets me book working hours at any point of night or day. So I naturally started booking weekends... + +Nobody comes on the weekends, so I stopped preparing as much. This weekend, I went to my job without washing my hear and with home clothes. I thought nobody is going to be there... why did I do that ahhhhh + +Not a long while after I arrived, some of my collegues messages me that he wants me to work for 15-30 minutes more that day, because he left his laptop at a restaurant and he wants to get it back... and he's coming to the office in 30 minutes ;--; + +Welp, they got us + +But my collegue is not by boss right? Why does the title mention my boss then? + +After my collegue arrived, my boss ""dropped in"" xd. He had a conversation with me about me working a little less past month (91h, the limit at my company is 84). He asked me if I'm doing ok and all I was able to think in my head is ""he's checking if I'm not liability and it's one of the last straws, soon I'm going to get fired"". I acutally always feared being fired. The fact that I dropped out of uni and don't have a degree AND this job pays a lot and everyone here is very non-controlling makes it much worse. + +I hate it when my mind just hyper-focuses on someone's face and picks up their micro expressions, then concludes they have no respect for me. + +Of course, all of this is projection... but relly, it would be terrible if I lost this job. I have no qualification, and I only got here because I was recommended + they have a policy that they always hire.",Personality disorder +51444,"Anyone else here forever alone? Usually I’m fine, I’ve known I’ll be alone for years, but sometimes the reality of it all comes crashing in. I have so much love to give, but il never get to experience it, being wanted by another person, being loved or being able to love. The thing that 99% of the population will experience, i am denied access to because I happened to receive some shit luck from the universe. How am I meant to accept that? I’ve watched my friends who were just like me, grow into capable adults, experiencing relationships and new friendships while I haven’t moved at all. I’m still the same stupid fucking kid I was at 16, terrified of the world and all the people in it. I am certain my brain wasn’t built for life, not in this world. + +This disorder is fucking brutal, it’s completely ruined my life, all I wanted was to be normal. But now I’m doomed to this loneliness for life. And I can’t ignore it, every piece of media, every time I leave the house, there’s love and couples everywhere. And I’m not mad at them, good for them, I’m just struggling to accept the fact that everybody else gets to experience it and i happen to be one of the unlucky few that doesn’t, all thanks to avpd. It hurts too fucking much, the loneliness eats away at you, all I asked was to feel wanted or validated by even 1 human being but apparently even that is too much. It’s not even about the sex at all, I just want to feel someone else’s warmth, have somebody fall asleep on my chest, feeling safe and secure in my presence, trusting me enough to open up to eachother. + +Avpd is so horrible, this loneliness will 100% drive me to suicide, I’m not far off as it is. No human was meant to live like this, I wouldn’t even call it living. Sure you can survive with avpd, but I don’t think anyone can really say they’re really ‘living’, if I knew I was gonna have to live with this shit I’d have killed myself in the fucking womb, I wish my mum did, she deserves better. Sry for the stupid drunk rant, just had to vent it somewhere. I hate myself so fucking much, I never should have existed, avpd is just too cruel, how can this be my life, how am I mean to be ok with that, how am I meant to participate in society like every one else? I wish I was dead, I should be dead, there’s just no point struggling with the rest of my life if it’s going to be alone. It already hurts this bad, I will not let myself become an old, even lonelier man looking back on a wasted life, wishing I’d have just ended it earlier",Personality disorder +51160,"can someone encourage me? at this rate i'll just rot in my bed until i eventually die of dehydration. i can't get myself to do anything other than scroll on social media and avoid any sort of social interaction whatsoever. i'm scared of people, i'm scared of rejection, it's hard. it's kinda shitty too because ngl i was on a roll for like a week but for some reason i just had a sudden episode and now i can't do anything. + +this might be kind of embarrassing, but can someone just encourage me? i feel like i need some sort of encouragement to function at all. thank you in advance!",Personality disorder +51010,what kind of trauma causes avpd? i've been researching avpd because i relate to it and i know it's caused by trauma in childhood but i didn't find any examples. what kind of trauma causes it? or can somebody have it without any significant trauma?,Personality disorder +51053,"I am so damn scared of my therapist I heard avoidants are reluctant to seek therapy... + +Well, in 2021 I had a very hard time struggling with my mental health (I have ocd). I scheduled therapy 3 times with 3 different therapists and unscheduled it before every appointment because I couldn't gather the courage to go, I could not stand the fear of being judged and exposing my vulnerability like that, I felt so ashamed I wanted to vanish. + +Anyway... currently, I am on meds for my ocd because I finally managed to go to a psychiatrist. +However, I don't wanna be on meds forever, so I started therapy too. + +It has been 3 sessions so far and I am seriously considering leaving. Although I see how this can be helpful, I cannot stand the shame it brings me to talk about myself like that. It doesn't matter how many times the therapist says he won't judge me and understands me. My brain tells me that is absolutely impossible. + +To make it worse, I cried last time on therapy because I was talking about some very personal struggles. This made me even more ashamed. + +The therapist lives near my house and as fucked up as that sounds I am so scared to walk near the place where he lives and cross him on the street (it happened once)..... yesterday I was there and felt as if I was gonna faint, not exaggerating. The shame is unbelievable. + +My next session is on Friday... today is Wednesday... oh dear God I can't believe I am paying to feel like this. + +I can't even tell if his approach is the problem or if it is just my avoidance. Honestly I think I'd feel like this with any therapist.",Personality disorder +51556,"Intense fear of failure Today I found out that 'atychiphobia' is the clinical term for the fear of failure. I've been consumed by atychiphobia ever since my teenage years. I've purposely passed up on big opportunities due to it, and as a result held myself back multiple times. + +Well, now I've stumbled upon a hurdle that I need to overcome in order to achieve my next goal in life. I've been looking for ways to bypass the hurdle so I don't have to potentially experience failure, but I can't seem to find any other ways forward. + +The reality is I'll have to attempt to overcome this obstacle in order to move forward but it's terrifying knowing I might never overcome it. + +Anyone ever experienced similar or have tips for overcoming this fear?",Personality disorder +51006,"I have just bailed on a friend for the third weekend in a row I feel pretty bad about it, too. Last weekend I ""had plans"" (I didn't) and the weekend before that, I actually was sort of going through something. But tonight... I just don't want to see anyone. So I cancelled again. + +But I am trying to make up for it, and I offered to do lunch Sunday (he's accepted). + +I'm unsure if I told him about my disorder, and honestly, I think he'd not get AvPD anyways. I have had many experiences telling people about AvPD and they just sort of give a ""well-meaning, but not getting it"" nod. + +I have been diagnosed with AvPD for well over a year now, and I've been in therapy for even longer, so I'm quite good at the whole mindfulness thing. So, this year has been all about self-improvement for me. And I just don't feel ready to go back out into the nightlife. We go to gay bars quite frequently (we are both gay). I feel like I'm in my chrysalis as I finally work on myself for the first time, like ever. Going out feels like I'm forcing myself to hatch too soon and I just imagine myself as this gooey half-baked butterfly if I try to go out now. I want to get to my full form to go out and about. And I'm just not there yet. + +But further, going out is a lot of ""things that could go wrong"" for me. Where am I going to put my car? (Ubers are a lot of money here). What happens if I leave it at his place but I want to go home earlier than him? Etc. etc. + +Being alone in my apartment is just so peaceful. But it's lonely. And I know if I keep this up, when the loneliness becomes too much further on down the road, I might not have any friends left to see.",Personality disorder +51763,,Personality disorder +51601,"Today i'm going to get judged really hard and I struggle to keep it together atm... We're presenting our art pieces to a panel of really judgemental people. There are horror stories of them being rude to people that present their work, and judging them pretty harshly. I'm not sure how legit those stories are but I'm really scared. I'm worried I'll cry in front of everybody if I get criticized too hard. + +On top of that executive dysfunction absolutely wrecked me this semester and my art pieces are pretty fucking shit. It's not the case of ""an artist doesn't see how beautiful their art is"", it's objectively rushed because I couldn't work on it. + +I'm so scared :c",Personality disorder +51352,"This is how I took care of my AVPD As someone who has high-functioning anxiety and AVPD, I really found it hard to develop relationships and take them to the next level. I never had problems talking to strangers, and I was just able to easily go about my day unless I am met with familiar faces. I still study at a university and I've tried to invest more effort in socialising, but to no surprise I wasn't making any progress despite exerting more of my resources for 6 months straight. + +I thought I was at a dead end. So I just gave up. I turned into this half-dead human who didn't give a fuck about anyone anymore. It felt good for a few weeks, but all throughout those days I had this lingering feeling that whatever the hell I was doing was wrong. My rebellious phase eventually ended, but I was still tired of trying to socialise. + +Ladies and gentlemen, if I asked you what your next step here is, what would it be? + +You see, us AVPD folks are subconsciously feeling guilty and ashamed of ourselves because we *assume* and *feel* like we are not enough for the people we want to build relationships with. Take my advice and: + +***Let us be and feel human for a change. Everyone is imperfect, so don't put up a face or please people, because you are enough.*** + +Humbling myself was the first thing I did. As I was burnt-out from even trying to socialise, I stayed put, and just became me for a change, I committed whenever I felt like it. There is no secret code, no secret formula, no secret anything to socialising; you just experience the moment and live life at the present. Take good example from your childhood brain, where times where simpler because we still had no idea of the norms and society's symbols. **If you humble yourself, and accept, and approach every situation with humility and nonchalance, you will find peace**, this is the power of kindness, this is where the healing process of ""loving"" and ""respecting"" yourself begins. + +Going back to my story, for the first time ever in 7 years, I felt peace. Peace with everything. I don't want to forcefully strive myself to socialise with my peers because that is fake shit. Be of no responsibility. Do take note that I've seen big improvements in building relationships! Of course I was committing from time to time, whenever I felt like it. + +So ladies and gents, don't try to divert the river of life, because the water will deliver you to where you need to go. + +Feel free to DM me if you want more about how I remedied my AVPD. Peace!",Personality disorder +51696,"How can I function with unwanted thoughts that don't go away? I am 22 years old and male. I was diagnosed when I was 18. I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I live with my parents and I am NEET. I did not go to college. I've spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence getting some kind of therapy and/or psychiatric help, but I stopped about a year ago because I realized it was not going to help me. I have very low energy and fleeting motivation, and day to day I can't consistently do the basic tasks of caring for myself and maintaining my living space, in other words, living like an actual adult. The main reason these things are so hard for me is that when I'm doing chores and things where my mind can wander, I keep thinking about things I don't want to think about. I remember in detail the moments when people have insulted me or been cruel to me, or times when I've embarassed myself or made a mistake, for years, and I relive them constantly, and the wounds are continuously reopened and never heal. I often freeze up when these thoughts strike me and sometimes it makes me curse or say things out loud when I know I'm alone. Sometimes these thoughts can be powerful enough to ruin a good mood and ruin my day. It can make completing simple tasks so painful that I avoid them entirely and my quality of life suffers greatly and it affects the people that I live with. I spend almost all of my time constantly trying to distract myself and escape from these thoughts. Can anyone relate? How can I function like this?",Personality disorder +51321,,Personality disorder +50914,I think I belong here. Hey guys! Everytime I get into a new relationship I self destruction with anxiety. I lose myself lose ability to eat and sleep and get extreme anxiety. Last time I spoke to a girl that I really liked for 3 days and as soon as I felt that she is the perfect one for me I went into severe anxiety and panic. And just ghosted her. I'm tired of this shit. I haven't been diagnosed yet. But everytime it's a new relationship and I like the person I self destruction and spiral into depression and I just ghost the person because I choose my sanity first,Personality disorder +50987,"Hey AvPD folks I could use some advice or perspectives I’m in love with someone w/AvPD due to my Pattern of getting attracted to emotionally unavailable People. +(which made me commonly feel unrecognized/unvalued in past relationships) + +However I want to tell you people that there are a lot of different ways people show love and can feel loved and it varies from Person to Person. + +Now I need advice from you folks, I’ve confessed to my Person. The response to it was idk if I feel the same I need to look within but it’s kind of blurry. +We were cuddling so I see it as a indicator, but I feel that it’s difficult. I’m scared of “coming too strong there” but not setting frames around it makes me also feel insecure. + +Should I try to look at it like a plain opportunity for my Person with AvPD to the experience of cuddling ? +Because I know you folks may have trouble forming trust within possible romantic relationships, and that It may take a lot longer. + +How ever forming a relationship out of it would take a lot effort and patience and willingness equally of both. + +At the bottom line transparent communication is always necessary I think wish me and your AvPD comrade luck.",Personality disorder +50807,"Feeling disconnected from peers - how do I stand out to fit in? Hi, I've been struggling a lot in school from even before college and lonely for most of my life. I've been the odd one out since back when and slow on socialising - I can't seem to use social media well (too afraid that my relatives will find it) and/or hold conversations for very long even though I find people with the same interests. I've gotten responses that range from implying that I annoy them or getting told my way of thinking is... strange(?) I'm not sure how to phrase this since I tend to notice my ideas get shot down and nitpicked more than others in my friend group or even project team setting. + +I started withdrawing from my social circles as a result and getting used to living alone with myself. My family been supportive of me thus far and I shouldnt complain but I cant live like this for very long - I want to express myself and find a space for my art, craft and ideas that accepts me for me. +And I'm sure in order to be independent, I need to also be comfortable with myself. + +But I'm not. I live life now never crossing the line with people even if I think its a terrible idea and is proven to be for the purpose of avoiding conflict, I withhold my ideas so as to not seem radical or stupid and avoid being berated or talked down. I feel like a NPC living a scripted life. + +How do we overcome this and have the courage to live for us? Can I do it in a way to eliminate these stresses? Or is avoiding them the main issue?",Personality disorder +51050,,Personality disorder +51155,"How to deal with parent yelling Ok, I'm a 27f who suffers from a variety of mh stuff so I'm living with my dad and he has a temper but today I was microwaving something and it exploded with glass and a mess right away I started cleaning it up bc it's my fault and he comes yelling that I messed up his microwave and how old I was and a bunch of swears and says he's not dealing with it and as always I internalize it and after I was done cleaning I start crying and thinking about all the ways that I can avoid everything tomorrow. If I didn't have my esa with me I would be worse. But I don't understand what I should have done as accidents happen and I cleaned it all up and I'm going to replace the dish that broke. I don't understand why he has to treat me horribly. I'm lucky not staying too long bc I'll be moving back with my mom in a few months but has anyone else had/has a parent that treats them this way",Personality disorder +51784,"is it only me? i've been diagnosed having BPD (borderline personality disorder) 4 years ago when i was 16, since then my life have been a living hell. However last year and a half i've felt like my symptoms have changed a lot, though i still have all the BPD symptoms, some symptoms like avoidance, social anxiety, isolation, feeling less, came up from nowhere. For matter of fact, i stopped talking to all my ""friends"", stopped working, going out, date, i stopped living. This winter i didn't go out of my appartement, and if it wasn't for my mother, i would probably have died of hunger. Going out doesn't scare me, people outside does. I feel like they all stare at me and they know how shitty i am, i feel like i'm not like them and whatever i do i'm not enough. Even open the shutters is a damn burden. Sometimes i think i might be paranoid, but i don't think people wan't me any harm nor i feel persecuted, i'm just ashamed of myself... I don't know if i have AvPD or just social anxiety but it's a fucking misery.. +Is there anyone if this situation?",Personality disorder +51375,"What are good ways to support my AVPD partner? I’ve been seeing a guy for the last year and he has Avpd. Theres times where he will completely isolate and go no contact which I understand is only him trying protect himself. +I just try my best to be patient and there for him when he is ready to reconnect. + +I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I could support him and possibly ease any suffering he may be going through. + +I love him beyond words but I don’t want to cause anymore discomfort than he may already be going through. + +Thanks heaps everyone",Personality disorder +51027,"how many people here have social anxiety as well? I keep forgetting that some of my vent posts are actually more to do with social anxiety than avpd (at least it seems to be that way, because people in here don't seem to relate to some of my posts so I guess it's more to do with social anxiety than avpd). + +Just wondering if u guys think you have both or just avpd. I'm a bit confused about how some people with avpd don't have social anxiety as I thought they went hand in hand, but I guess not.",Personality disorder +51244,don’t feel like a human anymore after isolating for so many years i don’t know how to act around people. i don’t feel human. people don’t like me as soon as they meet me and i can’t figure out what i’m doing wrong anymore.,Personality disorder +50966,,Personality disorder +51252,"Coping Ok this is gonna be really weird and random but I just wanted to share this because..idk, feels like something meaningful to me I guess? Thinking about all sorts of things takes like 99% of my day, my brain never shuts. And when I think about ""big picture"", like the world outside my internal one and my struggles, I am getting upset and resentful over my life. My one true friend during those times is my imagination and fantasies about life where I am normal and just..well, happy. About a month ago I finished watching playthrough of Lost in Vivo, and this is where the weird part starts lol. In short, it's game where player comes through vivo exposure therapy to overcome their fears and anxiety. In the good ending, player succeed and it represented as coming through light in the tunnel and reuniting with your dog. And that final scene, it has such a calming music, atmosphere. The player's been to hell and back so this light in the tunnel ending is really awesome. So, when I finished it, I started to imagine myself as that player. I've been through such a lot of things and I am trying my best to manage, so it gives me that tiny spark of hope that after all, universe will give me a break. Maybe things'll get better and maybe, just maybe I could finally make baby steps towards my dreams without my avpd being triggered so much. Thanks for listening to me 🙏",Personality disorder +50696,"How can I function with unwanted thoughts that don't go away? I am 22 years old and male. I was diagnosed when I was 18. I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I live with my parents and I am NEET. I did not go to college. I've spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence getting some kind of therapy and/or psychiatric help, but I stopped about a year ago because I realized it was not going to help me. I have very low energy and fleeting motivation, and day to day I can't consistently do the basic tasks of caring for myself and maintaining my living space, in other words, living like an actual adult. The main reason these things are so hard for me is that when I'm doing chores and things where my mind can wander, I keep thinking about things I don't want to think about. I remember in detail the moments when people have insulted me or been cruel to me, or times when I've embarassed myself or made a mistake, for years, and I relive them constantly, and the wounds are continuously reopened and never heal. I often freeze up when these thoughts strike me and sometimes it makes me curse or say things out loud when I know I'm alone. Sometimes these thoughts can be powerful enough to ruin a good mood and ruin my day. It can make completing simple tasks so painful that I avoid them entirely and my quality of life suffers greatly and it affects the people that I live with. I spend almost all of my time constantly trying to distract myself and escape from these thoughts. Can anyone relate? How can I function like this?",Personality disorder +51299,I slut shame. Edit: You've made your point.,Personality disorder +50682,"What is your height? I prefer males to answer this but if you feel it bothers you as a female too, plz feel free to choose as well. I kind of want to see if it may be a risk factor for this PD or if it’s irrelevant… and it bothers me a lot. Feel free to leave your thoughts below too. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/120kyg0)",Personality disorder +51176,"I don't want to see her either! I lost touch with an acquaintance-. Well, she chose not wanting to see me because she sort of blames her mental health on me, which I did not cause. I literally did nothing to this woman. She was into literature and writing and I encouraged her writing a little and we both knew about each other's anxiety. We didn't talk about our problems though. She shared she had social anxiety. She knew I had generalized anxiety, but that has improved greatly for me now. That was the extend of us knowing about each other's problems. She decided me having anxiety equated to me being a negative person and that is actually not true. She doesn't even know me well enough to determine what kind of person I am so that is part of what upset me. The other part is just the way she went about the situation. I have zero interest in ever reconnecting with her. The trust wouldn't be there and I'd always be fearful of saying something wrong or of being hurt again. See, it shouldn't hurt so much just from a little ol' acquaintance but it did hurt so much. + + When you live so close to each other and end up in the same public spaces at times, it is awkward and somehow, I feel like I am in the wrong for being there when I have every right to be in public spaces.",Personality disorder +51585,"Laziness is something we ascribe to normal people who just lack that inner drive The drive which most people were just born with. Dopamine cascades or whatever. + +Then there's us. The folk who just don't thrive on attention and competition. I absolutely believe we were born this way. + +I've tried, and failed, to describe this to so many psychiatrists and psychologists it's not even funny anymore. The schizoids call this anhedonia. Myself, I've always struggled to orgasm during sex. + + +We are OK. We're not psychopaths. We have empathy, and we have all the things in place in order to love.",Personality disorder +51416,"Therapy or Attachment Therapy? 50-something gay man here. While I’ve been in therapy for most of my life, because I was always dealing with dysthymia / Persistent Depression, Attachment issues were never discovered or diagnosed. A year ago, TMS put my depression into remission, which has been amazing. Awesome. Endless superlatives. However.... + +With PDD no longer fouling the view, surprise-surprise, I see now that Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment has been playing merrily in my psyche, my attention having been elsewhere. + +I've never had a “real” deep, intimate sexual relationship. (Sex yes.) Friends, yes, but again, none particularly deep. Distancing. Closed off. Difficulty trusting. From what I can tell, DA has influenced, inhibited, even impaired a lot of areas of my life. I’d like to fix or improve those if I can. + +To be honest, I’m a bit concerned -- read ""scared"" -- that I won’t be able to do that. DA is a hard one to move to Secure Attachment. From reading, it looks like it basically takes an intimate SA partner (and therapy) to change an attachment style. Since I haven't even had a crappy intimate relationship, that seems…unlikely. lol + +I have therapist right now. We’ve talked a bit about this. He’s not an expert / certified in Attachment Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral? Yes. General support, especially with the TMS stuff, yes. Given the seeming intractability of DA, I'm wondering if he's right for tackling this? I know DA is an error in cognition… but it’s also wrapped up in feelings and in behaviors that I’m not even aware of. Trauma. Family of origin stuff. There's a lot that goes into DA. And while I've tackled much of this in ""regular"" therapy, I've never come at it from an attachment angle, with someone who specialized in Attachment Theory and styles + +So, in your opinion, is it better to have a therapist that specializes in Attachment Issues or is that not necessary? Will an Attachment group or class suffice? Is changing therapists reasonable here -- I'm up for doing that -- or is that idea someone just another sign of Avoidant / Dismissing behavior? + +While I ain’t dead and have no plans on dying anytime soon — or later, for that matter — I would like to *fix* this DA before I shuffle off. Along those lines, I’d like to stumble and fail at a *real* relationship or two -- I know DA is hard to lessen -- on the off chance that I just succeed at one. I want to improve my life. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to go at it. + +Any advice here would be great.",Personality disorder +51671,,Personality disorder +50794,"Just wonder if people have heard of hypersensitivity. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP but I realized I was being super sensitive for awhile now. I think this is when I started to realize my AvPD. I was talking to my former therapist a couple of months back and she told me about it. Her friend had become disabled and was being hypersensitive. + +I think a lot of this comes from trauma. Also doesn’t help when people aren’t really compassionate in general. I don’t really have much advice but try to heal from traumas. I’ve been doing that alot more lately. It took a really long time but I feel less stuck now.",Personality disorder +51452,"Can you be outgoing and have AvPD? I'm very worried about my brother (29) and not sure how to help him so I've been doing research and a lot of the characteristics of AvPD seem to match. He's my roommate and he hasn't worked in 2 years and just stays home all day on his computer the majority of his time and will not get a job. However, his personality is very outgoing and he's like the ""life of the party"" when we he is out. He just doesn't want to do anything and my parents said he has been like this since he was a kid. I'm pretty sure he has expressed he feels like he wasn't good enough since he was a kid, he's dyslexic so he was never able to get good grades and had to try lots of different schools, etc. I don't know how to help him because he says he's fine and doesn't open up to anyone so I really have no idea what's going on in his head.",Personality disorder +51358,"What is one thing you dislike about having AvPD? For me, I hate being misconceived. To others I probably come off as dry, absent, air headed idk. Giving 'npc' energy. But I know I'm alot more than that but I just can't show it :(",Personality disorder +51638,"Not willing to risk rejection 31 years old. Never dated. I'd rather be alone than put myself out there and risk rejection. That is not to say that I prefer to be alone, the loneliness sucks, but just thinking about being rejected hurts too much.",Personality disorder +51792,"How do you get through the process of getting a job? I’m planning on doing a certain diploma you need to do at least six months of internship for. I should’ve started applying for those weeks ago but I’ve been avoiding it because I feel like I’d either end up not getting the internship or trick them into thinking I’ll be a valuable addition to their institution — which I don’t think I would be. So essentially, I’ve been doing self sabotage. + +Now, the problem is that I’ve had quite a lot of absences at school, the teachers all know about some of my mental illnesses and have suffered because of it. + +I’ll need references for the application process, I don’t have anyone else to do that other than my teachers but I feel that asking anyone to do it would be putting them in a really hard position because they don’t want to lie to an institution about me being a valuable addition when they (think they) know I’ll only mess things up. + +Honestly, I just feel like even if I end up getting an internship somehow (would be a miracle in the first place) I’d somehow find a way to burn out and mess up once again. + +If I don’t go for this diploma I’ll essentially have wasted four years of my life and I don’t think my chronically depressed self could recover from that. + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +51632,,Personality disorder +51529,,Personality disorder +51571,"It seems hopeless, but is there any way to find a remote job online if I have avpd and don't really have... any redeeming qualities or skills for the market due to lifelong isolation and self-sabotage? I know that people who have their psyche together have an extremely hard time finding jobs too, we live in very confusing times. And I'm less employable than most people of my age. I don't have a finished degree, I don't have presentable look, I don't really have hobbies other than videogames and some niche knowledge about obscure culture things, I'm not great at communicating, but more importantly I haven't worked or studied in about 4 years at this point, so I pretty much forgot how to look and present human at this point. I'm not really interested in anything in the normal sense either due to anhedonia or general dissociation from my own emotions and needs. I'm thinking about therapy as something that could guide me and help me in life, I know this is really ""all eggs in one basket"" kind of thing, but I genuinely only believe in one thing and it's therapy. And to pay for any therapy, I need money. But I'm so lost and hopeless in navigating job market, I'm practically terrified because I'm a grown ass person and I have never worked in my life before other than one small online gig I got by pure luck, and it was a one time thing, and it's not repeatable, and skills for that don't transfer anywhere. + +I've heard about things like rev or something like that, but they banned my country because of recent world events. I was researching different sort of freelance stuff but I consistently got terrified of having to promote myself or even commit to any craft at all due to self-defeating attitude my whole life. So in the end I don't know anything, don't have any skills other than fluent english and my native language, have absolutely no experience of any job whatsoever. It feels incredibly hopeless. Any tips? Maybe some websites that could help with making small money for manageable tasks? I'll be very grateful for any response.",Personality disorder +50790,"BPD and AvPD comorbidity, anyone? Lately I’ve been reading more about BPD, particularly “silent” BPD, and I check off every symptom on the list. I’m wondering if it’s a common thing for these two conditions to be related, as it seems that this combo could be incredibly self destructive(as I am) and hectic. Thoughts?",Personality disorder +51570,,Personality disorder +51500,"Group therapy is it a good idea? I've been asked to self refer to a network of group therapy, I think it will be a good way to meet others who have this disorder but at the same time I am terrified, especially about speaking publicly and opening up to a group of people, has any here ever tried it or are you currently in a group therapy? I'd love to hear your experiences. + +Thank you.",Personality disorder +51436,Hating any kind of attention I definitely start to avoid people once I pick up on any small hint they’ve started to dislike me. But does anyone panic and start to avoid people if they show too much interest? It’s like I can’t tolerate more than a moderate level of attention directed towards me and I feel the need to disappear. My therapist calls it dissociating from people.,Personality disorder +51099,"do you feel the need to stop doing something you enjoy once others find out you do it? Or when you become a regular at a new place and other regulars start remembering you and you're no longer '' new''? + +Me too. I did not know it was an AvPD thing before finding this sub. The worst part is, i want to socialise and i want to not care what others think of what i e' joy. But i care. It feels like once others find out that i'm a real person, they start to expect me to behave like whoever they perceive me to be. And that puts pressure on me and it makes me want to run away.",Personality disorder +51323,"Do you comment on YouTube videos generally? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10zyqye)",Personality disorder +51397,"The urge to disappear and start over. + +First I want to say that I am not diagnosed. I've seen quite a lot of posts about this urge to disappear on [r/Schizoid](https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/) and also [r/AvPD](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/). + +I am kind of glad that I am not the only one who does this. I constantly delete my social media and start over. By doing this I also ghost all of my friends on Discord. With social media like Reddit, Twitch and others creating new accounts isn't a problem for me because I don't post anything. I only keep my Steam account. I always knew it's not normal. I didn't know other people also struggle with this. + +My friends are annoyed whenever I come up with a new Discord account. I really don't want to talk to them about this. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings with people I know. I feel like they wouldn't understand me and/or would judge me. Most of my friends I've known since 2017. I usually just come up with a dumb excuse like ""I forgot my password"" or something like that. + +I want to explain the weird urge I get whenever I feel like disappearing. Under a post there was this comment: + +>There was a point where I realized I was getting very good at starting things because after a certain point I would get that urge to restart. Not just with accounts, but with everything. I'd plan out how I was going to use an account, build a new habit, accomplish some goal as efficiently and optimally as possible, and for a while follow through. Eventually I would drift off track a little, let it eat at me, and then give up and decide I'll start over and do it better. At this point I struggle to get to the ""I'm going to try"" stage and usually just don't bother. The apathy does help me push through failure or perceived shortcomings a little more. + +This comment describes my situation very accurately. I feel almost exactly as this guy. + +Creating new accounts has become a routine. I feel like it even calms me and is the closest thing to running away from everything. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel.. + +I ghosted my friends like 3 weeks ago. Throughout the weeks I've tried to start over, but I always fail and just start over once again.. I didn't tell anyone I'll disappear. I deleted my Discord and now I'm gone. My friend texted me on Snapchat asking why I deleted my account. I just responded with something like ""yeah lol"". Didn't even give an answer. Ever since then I haven't talked to them. I want to, but I know I'm gonna disappear after a month. I also don't want to explain to them why I deleted my account because I can't even do it right now where I am anonymous. + +Probably a lot of mistakes, very unorganized post but yeah.. I hate this. I just want to be normal. :/",Personality disorder +50926,"DAE just not imagine themselves being around after a certain age? In my head I never think I'm going to make X years of age (30 for example) and it's not because I specifically plan to do anything but I just kind of think ""I'll probably be far too fed up of this misery at that point and end it"" + +...and then that milestone age will come and it'll then change to the next one that I can't imagine making it past.",Personality disorder +51789,"AvPD and covid has ruined my dream job. So I've been a nanny for about 10 years now (daycare before that) and one of the best parts of the job was extremely minimal adult interaction. I'd go to work, one of the parents would tell me what I needed to know and then went to work. When they got back in the evening we'd say ""goodnight"" and that was it. + +Since covid, however, at least one of the parents works from home. I currently work for a family with BOTH parents work from home. It's terrible. I jump at every noise that might mean they are coming to ""say hi"" to their kid. I worry so much about where they are, what they think they're hearing when I talk to their baby, my appearance, the way I dress. I imagine they're mocking the way I sneeze or they're disgusted by my weight gain. + +I am very good at my job but my anxiety is so distracting it makes everything so much harder. I can't tell you how many times I've tossed my phone across the room when I hear footsteps coming because even if I am only looking up the weather or craft ideas I'm terrified they'll think I'm on the phone all day.",Personality disorder +51173,"After living nigh 25 years, I'm now diagnosed Hello all, this is my second post in here now. + +&#x200B; + +I've had my official diagnose; low-functioning AvPD. I don't exactly know how to feel about it, it makes sense - all too much sense. I wonder if I could've turned out better if I had been diagnosed earlier, since I've basically wasted my entire life so far. Only good part was some part of my 0-9'th grade, since it was a private school that had good experience with a bit different kids (not a special-school, but nevertheless a good school for me). + +&#x200B; + +Well, looking forward at least I have this diagnosis now, and I have somewhere to start from. I'll be looking to get my doctor's reference to a psychologist, to hopefully make some progress with all of this. Even though I'm a complete hermit, who is not at all good at getting daily things done, I do have at least a bit of hope of turning some things around - I still have hope that I can make progress for the better. But it's going to be hard. + +&#x200B; + +I wish you all the best as well, from the bottom of my heart.",Personality disorder +51031,"am happy but also worried about the warmer weather It's starting to warm up because spring is coming and whilst I love the warmth, I also worry about spring and summer because I often feel really lonely at this time of year. Everyone will be going out and I will be stuck inside on my own :(",Personality disorder +51388,"I’m pretty sure no one even likes me (can’t cope) My whole life everyone has been at best indifferent to me, & often times just outright abusive to me. + +The depths to which I feel alone can’t even be put into words, this isn’t a new thing; it’s always been this way but it’s really starting to hit me that I’m living for people who don’t care to do a damn thing to help me & maybe there’s just something deeply wrong with me for no one to ever care about me at all. + +I truly don’t think I can keep going with no hope of ever having any connection with anyone & I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I even have anything to live for *for me*. + +My life is completely empty, the only people I have around me demand so much of me &/or hurt me. I don’t think I’m even capable of building a better life, & if I am then I don’t know if I’m capable of making it for that long with absolutely no help from anyone. My whole life feels like such a waste, I’ve never had any purpose.",Personality disorder +51152,"Getting out my comfort zone I’m a 24 year old female and I’ve had a lot of mental health issues. One of them is AvPD. I struggle to maintain friendships because I always push them away out of fear they will see the real me and I think I’m an empty person with no personality. I never developed my own personality. I always mirrored people to fit in. + +I have an intake tomorrow for a rehab clinic. I’m addicted to Xanax. I think the addiction is just a result of my mental problems that are really complicated and go far back into the past. After the rehab I will go to Portugal for an intense treatment for 2 months all by my own. No phones allowed. I think it’ll do me really good and I’m glad I have this opportunity. I know they aren’t going to fix my problems and I need to do it myself but it is a big step for me to travel alone. To really work on myself. It’s a step forward. I have had really bad weeks but this is a little bit of hope for me. Sorry I just needed to vent and I hope you all are doing okay💜 even if you take baby steps be proud of yourself!",Personality disorder +51268,,Personality disorder +51790,"BPD and AvPD comorbidity, anyone? Lately I’ve been reading more about BPD, particularly “silent” BPD, and I check off every symptom on the list. I’m wondering if it’s a common thing for these two conditions to be related, as it seems that this combo could be incredibly self destructive(as I am) and hectic. Thoughts?",Personality disorder +51818,"Feeling like I don't do enough I'm not sure if this is due to the disorder or not, if it's imposter syndrome, if it's from old Christian mantras of ""put others before yourself"" being baked into my psyche since childhood, or if it's a combination of all three; but I often feel like I don't do enough for other people in my life. Whether it's with other family members, close friends, or co-workers, I often get this sense. + +I work from home. And I've done a lot on our current project over the course of this past year. But now that we're sitting near the finish line, almost ready to go-live with not much else to do other than wait for the cutover, I can't help but feel some kind of guilt like I'm not doing enough. Even though I helped our team make a ton of progress in the past few months. + +With friends or family it often comes in the form of ""should I be there?"" or ""I know I be there, be present, but I really don't want to"" and then I just feel like a POS terrible friend/sibling/son/etc. for not doing it. For example, a relative of mine had a gender reveal party a few weeks ago. Naturally, I didn't go. I'm not particularly close with this family member and haven't been for years. Nonetheless I still felt like an asshole for skipping. Especially later when I talked to my dad and asked how it went; I asked ""who was there?"" and he said ""Just about everyone. Except for you"". I don't think he intended to make me feel guilty, but it kind of did. My mom corrected him later and pointed out a few other family members that didn't make it, but nonetheless I felt like I didn't do enough. Even though, again, this relative having the child and I don't really talk or show interest in one another's lives anymore. + +Another example is a friend, a close friend, who really does their best to help me get out of the house and do things. They'll invite me to things at bars or restaurants, and 9 times out of 10 I don't go. Part of me appreciates the hell out of that, because I need it, and it's nice to be included/wanted. Another part of me wishes they'd leave me alone; because I don't think I'm interesting enough or worthy enough to hang out with. Then I start feeling a whirlwind of guilt and shame for bailing out of the request. + +Wondering if all these feelings of guilt or shame are part of the disorder, or if it's something else. Anyone else experience this?",Personality disorder +51661,"AE feel like this? I’m 24 and don’t have a stunningly high body count, it never used to bother me but once i hit my 20s and people i knew hit that phase of sleeping around and doing the casual relationship thing it just hooked into my brain + +I tried to do the whole hoe phase thing but i’m terrified of everything around being more intimate with someone, making moves, doing things right, my own body; just not being able to keep up the act ive got going and having to have someone see all of me, you know? + +and on paper i know it’s fine not everyone on earth is hoeing it up, either side of the spectrum is fine, but my brains really latched onto this as another thing that makes me different from everyone else and something people are going to judge me for. like i’m not a person because no one’s ever really wanted me. & every time someone brings it into conversation i just feel physically sick with how much of the biggest freak i feel like + +i’m sorry if this barely makes sense i just really needed to get this off my chest",Personality disorder +51515,Do you agree with this statement? Excerpt from an article about SAD and AvPD,Personality disorder +51330,"Rising anxiety I don't know why I'm writing this, Im just feel so anxious rn. I'm worrying about everything. I don't think any of this ends well for me. It's not getting better, it's just getting worse everyday. During the day I'm ok, but at night when I'm alone and have no distractions I feel scared and anxious. I realize I'm alone and I'll most likely always be alone. I can't be around people when I'm like this, I self isolate even harder when I'm hurting. There's a really bad feeling in my stomach rn, I feel so strange. I think there's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough in anything. I'm legitimately the worst human being to exist. Why tf am I still here, none of this ends well. I'm just so tired n even when I sleep I wake up tired. I wanna escape this, but I don't know how. I can't do this. I'm not worthy of existing. Fuckin hell I think about dying most days, but I don't want to. I really wanna live a happy life with people in it. But there's so much I can't control. My brain is always trying to fuck me over. It's life on impossible mode. Srry for the rant, I just don't know where else to dump all this.",Personality disorder +51680,"I think I have AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) I have recently come across AvPD and I realized that I relate to almost all of the symptoms. First off, I’m very anxious in almost all social situations. This includes hanging around friends i’ve known for many many years, being around extended family (who i’ve also known for many years), being around coworkers, meeting new people, and even just going grocery shopping. + +I often try to avoid a lot of social situations which has definitely affected a lot of my relationships. I’m not very close with my friends or family anymore. I still hangout with them sometimes but it’s not on a very deep level. I don’t really open myself up to anyone. I’m scared of people figuring out my true personality and that they won’t like me for who I am. I hide lots of parts of my personality and not one person on this earth truly knows me. I’m close enough with my parents that I don’t get anxious around them, however I still hide many pieces of myself and don’t feel comfortable enough to show everything about myself. + +I have also struggled to find jobs that don’t make me anxious. It took me until I was 18 years old until I finally got my first job because of this. I currently work at a daycare and have worked here for about 7 months and my anxiety has seemed to get worse. I have been thinking about quitting for awhile now but am terrified of having the conversation with my boss about quitting. + +Whenever I’m at work, I feel inferior to everyone else. I feel like I have less experience, I overthink everything, and I am so awkward around my coworkers and parents. I feel like I’m incompetent and people don’t take me seriously because of my poor communication skills. My mind often goes blank when I’m asked questions and I don’t feel like I’m much of a help. I also try to focus completely on the kids and I would rather not form any real relationships with other coworkers. I try to keep conversations polite and small. I rarely talk about myself either, just enough to get by. I play it safe. + +I’ve always just felt like there was something wrong with me. Social anxiety kinda describes the way I feel but it seems like it’s more than just that.",Personality disorder +50751,"Being a toxic person to others and wishing they didn’t have to deal w/ you because of it I completely shut off due to my anxiety and depression. It’s hard to not avoid avoid avoid and feel like a burden especially when you have people you love and know care about you. My heart and mind conflict so much because I’m so sensitive and I’ve just built a wall after years of negative feelings and rejections but my heart wants the exact opposite. And I get so lonely dealing with depression alone wondering why do I have to deal with this all the time, but it hurts the most to be going through it and hurt the people you really love, like I don’t want to be a burden anymore but it’s easy to feed the demons that are telling you to avoid avoid avoid and the fear. I know other people are going through things too and I’m not good enough to even be there for them.",Personality disorder +51660,"I can't cope with my job I work from home as a software developer, most aspects of the job are too triggering, and I can’t handle it. + +Every morning starts with a daily update meeting. Since I usually had done only 0-30 minutes of work the previous day, I have no update to give, I panic and have to lie, and the lie is transparent. Afterwards I have to cool down from the shame, guilt, and stress. It’s already hard to recover from the procrastination because everything I do, with the code or on Slack, has a timestamp, a notification, and is visible to everyone. Once there’s something I’m avoiding (committing code, deploying code, posting the code for review, responding to someone, testing code, an upcoming meeting, etc.) I often go offline from inactivity, and then I’m afraid to even open my laptop (which can take hours to overcome) because once I do everyone can see I’m online on Slack; my procrastination then is immediately visible to the people who are impacted and who are looking for it i.e. people I’m not responding to, my manager. + +I already got in trouble for not doing my work, missing meetings, not responding to people for days or weeks, and just not showing up some days without telling anyone. I was put on a month-long probation, which I’ve gotten past only because I didn’t ghost entire days during that time. I have frequent meetings with my manager and I have to pretend I’m struggling way less than I am. I can’t admit that half or more of the days I do absolutely nothing, or how much communicating with people — the most important part of the job — so fundamentally terrifies me. + +I know every trick in the book about procrastination, time management, breaking down tasks, but that’s not enough when I’m this afraid of people. I’ve accepted I need help from another person. I’ve talked about this some with friends, but none of them understand, so all they can provide is sympathy. I have a psychiatrist and I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but they’ve all been unhelpful, many actively harmful. + +I know it's a slow process, but every single day at work is like torture, and I’m on very thin ice. Because I can’t get the work done, it’s not endurable, and I don’t have the time or energy to work on all the other parts of my life in dire need of work. I don’t want to quit because I haven’t been here that long and I had a big gap between quitting my previous job (for the same reasons). But I can’t stay like this for months until I find someone and begin making progress. + +I don’t know what to do",Personality disorder +50782,Why do people always come with this remark? So i just started supplement license beside my real license(hope its understandable). We have to drive some lesson and i was with a new driving instructor. Finished my lesson and he gave me some tips. One of Them was i dont need to be a “mouse” at this point i just felt insulted. Why is there always a expectation to be talkative? Yeah im gonna drive people around most elderly but im gonna try as much i can. Im seriously tired of society always expecting everyone to be bubbly and talk constantly….,Personality disorder +51726,"Appearance and AvPD It seems superficial almost but my severe acne is contributing a lot to my avoidant tendencies right now. I'm doing everything in my power to treat it: dermatologist, prescription acne cream, antibiotics, clean bedding, clean diet, daily showers, face wash etc. It just seems to get worse every day and it is some of the worst I've seen. I'm talking big red cysts. At this point I'm convinced my lithium is causing it. + +I was making decent progress too. I was going to groups and started volunteering to get out of my house and around people again. I'm trying to work up to going back to work. But I just can't bring myself to keep volunteering looking like this. If I go out of my comfort zone while constantly concerned about how I look and feeling gross I feel as though I'm doomed to fail. If my mental state begins to slip it triggers my hyperhidrosis and then I pretty much have to bail. + +I'm kind of just stuck in a period of regression after making some strides. I don't know what to do it just feels hopeless. Between severe cystic acne and hyperhidrosis it is so fucking difficult to put myself into social situations. It's much safer to just hide away and wait it out but each day that passes is another day I've lost.",Personality disorder +51276,"Splitting (?) in AvPD?? (18F) just a disclaimer, I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet but I relate to AvPD in so many ways that I can’t dive into right now. I relate way more to AvPD than social anxiety but of course idk for sure. + +But anyway, I was wondering if people with just AvPD experience something like splitting (that occurs in BPD) after feeling like someone’s rejected them or criticised them. + +For example, I was having a job interview and the people interviewing me seemed really nice and I really really liked them, but as the interview went on I felt like their body language and tone of voice showed they were criticising and judging me. After I felt that, it’s like a switch flicked and I hated them. Absolutely hated them. I was so mad internally and all I could think of was how mean they were (even tho they literally didn’t do anything). I was so angry and I just wanted to break down and cry because I also hated myself too for embarrassing myself and looking weird and ruining my chance to get hired. + +Anyway, I got the job and I love them again and can’t even imagine ever hating them. This sort of thing happens to me all the time with almost everyone in my life and it’s so confusing!!! Except I thought it was only a BPD thing, or could it be a mix of both or complex PTSD?? + +Does anyone else experience this often too? + +(Also I’m seeing a therapist and psychiatrist really soon and I’m not self diagnosing)",Personality disorder +51198,"Might i have avpd? Alright before i start i want to say that im 16. Ive been showing some symptoms as long as i can remember, but i hate self diagnosis so i want some help. Because i dont want to have a pd(obviously) Ive been extremely shy and untrusting of others ever since i was a small child. Im often rude and cold to people bc im extremely afraid of someone talking to me and try to make them think im not talking to them bc im arrogant and not a loser whos afraid of everyone. But im more like the second. Ive always been insecure also, i had a history of self harm. But i did that because i feel like im not enough and dont deserve to even breath the same air as most people, not because im suicidal. I had suicidal thoughts a lot but i never considered doing it because im too much of a coward for it. I also project my insecurities on people a lot and try to find someone inferior to me to communicate. Ive felt inferior for so long that i want to be superior to someone so i project my insecurities and drag them down. Im not jelaous by any means, i just want someone inferior to me. I dont think i even need to mention i have no friends, and push anyone that tries to talk to me bc i suspect theyre bullying me. But i have good relations with my family even though they also make me a little anxious. And i have a diagnosis of gad",Personality disorder +51033,"I told my therapist about my assumption of AvPD He told me he doesn't think I have it, only SAD. Above all, the constellation in my parental home would not favor this. I think that many of my AvPD-like symptoms are probably due to my depression. + +Anyway, thanks for all your advice, it really helped me a lot :)",Personality disorder +51630,"I hate this disorder I am so embarrassed about litterally evertything that i do and say, and i dont know how to live with this disease for the rest of my life. I hate it so much, how do you guys cope with this stupid disease? I feel like i cant live my life like this",Personality disorder +50857,"don't be like me (little rant) I was a college freshman at the beginning of covid. I was just your stereotypical introverted/ quiet guy who also struggled in social situations. Covid gave me THE perfect excuse to avoid anything stressful. Don't have to go to class, don't have to meet anybody, everyday I just drowned myself in entertainment. Eventually I dropped out of class and basically became a shut in. + +Fast forward to a couple years later. I have no idea how time went by so fast. Everyone is all grown up and busy, people keep asking about how I'm doing at school, and everytime I lie to my parents that yeah I'm going to school, I did good on my exams, I'm about to graduate etc. It's so fucking unfair to my parents that I turned out to be such a piece of shit. + +I hate what I've become, just lies and avoidance. When I'm actually motivated to do something, I'm then immediately reminded by the reality that no matter what I do I still wasted all these years of my adulthood, that I'm still betraying my parents' expectations, that nothing I do is going to undo all the damage I did to myself. + +I'm a mess. I have no hobbies I can share with normal people, I have no humor because I don't have any experience in the real world, I can't make my family happy because I don't even like myself and it shows. + +Sorry for the rant, sometimes you take a step back and really look at the situation you put yourself in and it's unbearable. Why didn't I try harder at school? Why didn't I tell my parents the truth? Facing all these fears, I chose the easy way. And it is clearly the wrong choice, otherwise I wouldn't be suffering this much now. + +If you're reading this I hope you can learn not to be like me. Avoidance is hell.",Personality disorder +50997,"Recovered, but it's too late I suffered from severe AVPD from my late teens into my early twenties. During this time, I cut off my old school friends and then didn't go to uni. In fact, I pretty much became a recluse. + +I eventually started to recover when I was about 22. I'm now in my late twenties, and though I feel I've overcome most AVPD symptoms, I feel like I am too old to make new friends. I've managed to sort of reconnect with 2 school friends, but there was a five year gap in communication so things feel different. + +I really feel like I would've made my lifelong friends at uni, but I didn't make it there. I don't know how to accept the damage that isolating myself during those critical years has done. + +As I've recovered from AVPD, I've realised I'm not that weird of a person, and I can actually get on with people fine. But those friend making opportunities of school and uni have long passed. It now feels like no matter how sociable or cool or fun I am, it doesn't matter, because everyone already has established friends from school or uni and doesn't want anymore. + +Has anyone else experienced this? Recovered but just too late - the damage is done?",Personality disorder +51687,"Does avpd stem from childhood trauma? Hi lovely community! I’m quite new on this forum! And just wondered if the origin of this is similar to what people refer to as an avoidant attachment style in which a lot of sources claim it’s due to neglect from parents in early childhood. + +What triggers avpd or what is the kind of trauma that sparks it? From what I’ve read so far it’s not something you are born with but rather develops with age? +Please correct me if I’m wrong!",Personality disorder +51308,,Personality disorder +51776,"Taking 24 hours or days to respond to texts? Hello lovely community, + +I’m reading a lot about this, mainly to understand the guy I’m dating better who has AVPD! + +My lovely community, please help me understand why it takes often over 24 hours to respond to a text from your loved ones? + +Is there specific content that triggers you to avoid replying I.e expression of feelings? Yet I hear that the AVPD community does enjoy getting reassurance. + +Sometimes it makes me feel like there’s a lack of interest but I often end up getting a reply after all- just days late . But it’s confusing to determine wether you are disinterested or just afraid to answer. + +Love to hear your thoughts/experiences",Personality disorder +51172,What’s your experience talking to a GP in the uk about AVPD? I’ve always found GPs really unhelpful and clueless when it comes to anything mental health related. I want to talk to a professional and get assessed but I’d have to get referred through a GP and if GPs aren’t even educated in ADHD and anxiety I doubt they’d know anything about AVPD.,Personality disorder +51433,"New here. A work related conundrum. I'm a male in my late 30s, struggling to find traction in terms of being able to support myself. Recently, I've only lasted a few weeks in a couple of different environments, retail and warehouse. I could do the actual jobs well enough but I get tripped up socially, targeted by others, and quit as a consequence. + +I've had a difficult time throughout my adult years sustaining employment. There have been times where I had long term prospects but they ultimately ended badly. This has me in a pretty desperate mindset and I've decided to seek services for help finding something suitable. + +What I want, ideally, is to have a space to work as independently as possible, with low social expectations and predictable responsibilities. I've been doing some gig work off and on, which meets those requirements, but that isn't a reliable income (and you burn through gas). + +My wife, who makes OK income, is being as patient and supportive as possible with me but we need a second income, especially with living costs skyrocketing. It's crucial that I maintain a job so that I can keep the marriage stable and avoid homelessness, which is what would likely happen if things fall apart. We don't have kids so at least that isn't an issue at stake. + +I should add that I'd never qualify for disability benefits given my education and work history. + +What have others done to be able to support themselves, long term? What accommodations, if any, have you asked for in a job? And finally, has anyone significantly improved their self-image and ability to handle the BS at work? + +Thanks for reading.",Personality disorder +50888,"Are you pseudonymously famous irl? How did it impact you? Did you get famous through writing, blogging or designing etc online? + +How did you deal with it? + +How did it make you feel?",Personality disorder +51142,"gender rules & being in a relationship as avoidant guy I don't mean to offend anyone beliefs, just a thought came to my mind and i want to discuss it with you. + +recently , i redownloaded dating apps and started chatting, seeking friends and relationships.I was chatting with this girl, and we talked about many things. One of them was relationships, she told me that she prefers to be in a relationship with traditional gender rules.this made me think and realized that a relationship with traditional gender rules isn't for me, and i think this mainly has something to do with being avoidant. + + these are my reasons + +I don't initiate or take actions. Usually, i respond to actions, even sometimes i don't respond to actions that other people would respond to, i rarely take actions or be proactive. + +I lack assertiveness + +I also have problem with decision making. + +that is what comes to my mind when i think about it. + +Guys with avoidant, do you think that you can be in a relationship with traditional gender rules? also, do you have any other reasons beside the ones i listed if why not?",Personality disorder +50891,"What the hell do I do, lmao? I'm a mental cripple. I'm 25 years old, and I missed all the formative experiences in my life. Relationships, kissing, having sex. Dogshit family + 12 years of bullying, and this is what's left. Legit, what the fuck lmao? And you know what's funny? I realized this couple of months ago. I legit had NO IDEA that I had it insanely bad up until now. Drunk friend got on top of me, we made out, she started undressing, and I legit just stared at her BLANK. Had no idea what to do, why she would do that, and what to think. That's when it hit me. I'm an absolute social failure. I can never initiate anything, I never talk about emotions, and now I truly understand the only way I'll ever have sex is by getting raped. That's it. I CAN'T EVEN RETURN A FUCKING HUG! I don't want to be like this. I'm fucking 25 already. I legit didn't care about any of that until I realized how nice a kiss felt. I can only imagine what sex feels like. I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate I'll never get to be with someone because all I can do is shut inside myself, and cry from a distance. Funny thing is I'm fit and average looking, with a way above average salary. But it's all useless when I have absolutely 0 social skills. Fuck my parents and fuck my bullies. I can't go back in the past. I will always be like this. I already missed on my youth. It's legit not fair.",Personality disorder +51203,,Personality disorder +51054,"it's killing me I spend my days ruminating about what could have been , i basically stopped living when i was 14 years old , (i am 27 now) , i wish I can just go back in time to change everything",Personality disorder +51224,"Does anyone else completely helpless? Like I barely can do the most basic things like taking care of myself and if some obstacle gets in the way I wouldn't know what am I suppose to do. And I'm grown ass adult, 31 years old, don't know how to stop being like this 🤕",Personality disorder +50886,"I just realised I don't seem to make friends Soooo...I'm 44 years old. I have a group of about 15 friends in my home town (in another state to where I live), but 14 of them I did not make. ALL of those 14 were made by my best friend back in school (who I befriended at age 14), who is quite outgoing. And then we just had this friendship group which started at 4 and then eventually grew, and I count them all as my friends, but I never actually made any of them myself. + +I made not a single friend in university. I made 2 friends at my first job when I was 22, but we never saw each other outside the workplace and I haven't heard from them in 20 years, since I left there. + +I made 2 friends at a subsequent workplace when I was about 30, but one kind of kept trying to be my friend SO insistently that eventually I gave in, and she was fun and nice, but I haven't seen her for over 10 years. The other one I realised later was my Favourite Person / FP (BPD lingo), and that is the only reason I was interested enough to want to get to know her and want her to get to know me. I had a platonic crush on her. Even so, after 2 years, my interest fizzled and I haven't heard from her since, also about 10 years ago. + +Then, when I was 40, I made a friend here in my building (she lives in my home town most of the year but has a place here too), and she became my Favourite Person, which again, is why I let her in and we became close. Again, my feelings of attraction fizzled after about 2 years and we're still friends, but I hardly see her as she doesn't live here most of the time. + +So, I feel like my friends are all mainly made via my original friend, who I made at age 14. And now, 30 years later...I still don't really have any friends and haven't really made any. + +Is that weird?",Personality disorder +51448,"Other people have a better image of me than I have of myself. And, that both frightens me and gives me hope. That is all.",Personality disorder +51336,,Personality disorder +51096,"How many friends do you have? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11d5qbz)",Personality disorder +51787,"i'm never gonna be loved by anyone... and i think that's okay. for a long time, all i wanted is to be loved by other people, but as a depressed individual, it's been kinda impossible to believe anyone will ever love me. and i don't even mean it exclusively in the romantic sense (how does a first kiss feel? i don't even know), but in the platonic sense too. + +i don't even think i'm physically unattractive, but i do know my personality is unattractive, which is somehow *worse.* with this i am not saying i am unworthy of love, i mean that my goals in life and my way of being is not what it's expected of people nowadays. i have weird and extremely niche interests, i am weird and my only purpose in life is to collect the biggest spectrum of unique experiencies; definitely not the kind of people that attracts other people in this world (i mean ambitious people with dreams of financial gains, charismatic people, etcetera). + +don't get me wrong, i love my weird quirky self, but so far nobody has ever loved my weird quirky self lol. i know there's lots of people in this big and wide planet, but it seems like i don't have the skills to find the people who will like me, the people who will form groups with me, the people who will desire me in a romantic way. and considering my age, i feel like it's too late to find those skills, the skills of making deep, meaningful, reciprocal connections with other people. + +but i think that's okay. somehow, getting rid of the desire to form connections with others has made me happier with those small-talk friendships whom only talk to me about the weather or their job, with those classmates who only talk to me when i awkwardly join the bigger groups at college. maybe thinking that i'm worthy to be loved by other people is me asking too much? + +the approach i'm taking now is to love myself. and with ""love"" i mean romantic love; i flirt with myself. i tell myself i'm beautiful, even if i don't recognize that person in the mirror as someone beautiful. i have lots of love buried in my heart, and i always waited to get into a relationship to give this love to someone else. now, i try to give it to my own self. there's days when i really want to die and i can't even get out of bed, and i ask myself ""what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?"" and i realize that i would support her; i would do everything to get her out of bed, help her bath and make some food for her. so i get out of bed, i bathe myself and make myself some food. + +there's some days when loneliness hurts, though. i always see stories of the beauty of romantic love, of touching the lips of the person you would die for, feeling that person's chest and not caring if the world ends, as long as you're on their arms. stories of the joy of hanging out with like-minded people, and just being up at 4am enjoying each other's presence and looking at the stars together. these are experiences i will never live, and it hurts. and it makes me feel like this whole philosophy i just described in this post is just a dangerous coping mechanism. + +but what would i do if the love of my life felt like this? i would hug them and tell them that it's gonna be okay. so i just tell myself that i'm gonna be okay. + +*""You think you might find community, a sense of connection to something bigger, but you don’t. In fact, you feel more alone than you did before you left … But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone.” - Bojack Horseman*",Personality disorder +51372,"Do you think someone with avpd have a chance in the music industry? So it’s been getting harder for me to keep a job. I’m still trying as hard as I can, I don’t wanna been seen as weak for not being able to keep a job. But it’s 2 things I do very well and that’s sing, and make beats . Do you think someone with avpd have a chance in the music industry? If I do the singing I know my anxiety would be crazy if I had to perform but I really have a passion for singing.",Personality disorder +51450,"constantly drawing a blank/brain fog i honestly feel like i've had a brain injury of some sort. in like 80% of conversations, even with family members, i simply have no idea what to say in a conversation. my mind is a complete blank, even in what would be a pretty standard, 'easy' conversation. it's like i'm paralysed or something. i either mumble something only to retract it, or just say nothing at all. it's awful, and it makes me not want to talk to people even more because i don't want to put them in an awkward, uncomfortable situation and make them think even worse of me. i'm really pessimistic about ever making friendships or even mere acquaintances nowadays. i literally have nothing to say, i feel so socially inept that i just don't bother anymore. + +it didn't used to be this way, either. i was confident, talkative, i had friends who i'd talk with long into the night. even with people who weren't my friends, i could still hold a pretty decent conversation. where did that go? it feels like that part of me just left one day, i don't know why or even when it did. it just left. + +i'm usually pretty fine about this. i don't crave intimacy or friendship and am pretty content by myself. but sometimes it just hits me how screwed i am. a family member had surgery recently and i texted them to see how they were doing. that resulted in them trying to have a conversation, what with them being on bedrest and all, but my responses were so... bad. they seemed to think so too, because they stopped replying, haha. i can't blame them in the least for it, too. i wish it wasn't this way, but i don't think there's much i can do about it either. this blankness, it feels like it'll be there forever. like some kind of inpenetrable fog muffling my thoughts, blocking off any higher function. + +DAE experience this kind of thing? does it get better with time? how do you deal with it, if at all?",Personality disorder +50752,Focusing on a positive Someone called me cute this morning and now I'm having ice cream for breakfast. I hope this vibe sticks for the rest of the day. Just wanted to share this in hopes that it makes someone smile.,Personality disorder +51168,"Natural brain dampener I have recently been experimenting with some substances and after three or more days of taking ashwagandha most of my AVPD chatter ceases, it also dampens my need socialize or seek validation Not that I had much of that but at least now I don't care when I run out of things to say during a conversation, before I was made uncomfortable by the thought seeming boring or long silence in conversation but with this I don't care at all. + +Its a very subtle effect though, so I like it. I'm not going to pretend to understand how it works, and I definitely don't recommend it because there are several people who have had severe adverse effects with it, but I have found a new unintended use for it and I wanted to share this discovery. + +Sadly as a sad effect I find myself dragging my feet to do anything, I just lose interest in almost everything.",Personality disorder +51843,"I despise my mom ( 22m ) Pretty much the title - I just can't stand her, I never liked her ever since I was a little kid but for me that hate went much higher beyond it. + + +Just to clarify, I don't think she is the abusive type - more like the overcontrolling and overbearing type of mom - the type that when you make a mistake or fail to do as she asks ( even if it's just the order of the way I put things in their place ) she will scold and do it herself - even if those are MY things ( she isn't satisfied with the way I put my clothes in my wardrobe or when I don't do it immediately) and barely have any respect to my privacy - In the past she wouldn't even let me close my own door so my room was always open, even this days she complain when I don't leave a gap ( but on that case I don't give a fuck anymore and barely leaves any - not a door you can close easily ) and she would always complain about im not normal or like 'the other kids/people' because I don't act or do things they do, and I cant forget her 'what you gonna do with your life, play on the computer all day? ' speech which she does when she remembers she needs to get mad or moody for no reason. + +Im afraid of embarrassing myself in public, im afraid of even doing some of the basic stuff because I don't think I can do it or I'll make a clown out of myself - and it always comes back to how I was never really taught how to control my own life and be independent - even in the few times she did taught me anything she would still eventually take control and it doesn't make me motivated to even try. one of the reasons I eat in my room is because I just don't want to be around her because I will always get criticized for something - my beard ( which no one taught me how to do it, and my dad lives abroad ) , my ears, my hair, my clothes - everything. She always tries to pick things for me to wear and while today i do wear whatever I want regardless of her opinion/picks I still remember that when I was younger she would be upset and mad if I didn't wear what she wanted me to wear ( and she still kinda give the bitch look but as I said - I still wear what I wear ) and the judgement doesn't stop at that. Her favorite habit is that on events and gatherings she would always whisper in my ear what's wrong me in the moment - could be anything from noticing something dirty or not to her eyes that no gives a fuck about, the way I behave ( WhY YoU ARe NoT SmiLing ) and all other type of shit to make me lose confidence or be overly aware of my problems. She would always try to buy me stuff I don't want or asked to get and would always expect me to thank her even if sometimes she was the one that was pressuring me to get something. + +When I think about all of this ( and other stuff ) I understand why im so incompetent, afraid of making mistakes or embarrassing myself and stuck in that avoident and depressive mind set. It's not all her - there are things I probably could've done myself ( and still can do ) and even without her the competitive and soulless society most of us are part of just adds a lot to the way we end up - and still - she has a part in why my life fucking sucks - and now I need to find a way to get back on track somehow. + +Also, today I pretty much snapped at her in an unrelated case which eventually also happened because of all those feelings I stored inside. I don't talk to her and tbh it's such a good feeling. + +P.S : if there was another post made by me that's titled the same blame my stupid phone for this XD. Im also sorry for possible grammar mistakes - don't mind someone fixin them.",Personality disorder +51165,Iv'e been avoiding financial aid appeal I really don't want to talk about my past. Ive canceled five times now and I really need to get my financial aid soon. Any tips?,Personality disorder +51531,,Personality disorder +50871,"What I see on Instagram IS real -- and it's killing me inside (A self-pitying post for your viewing pleasure) ""Stop self harming by stalking people yada yada yada"" -- *I know!!!!* I know I know better! + +BUT. + +I'm sick of being told ""they only show the happy moments."" No shit. But they *have* happy moments. They have adventures with friends that they post every other week, or even just every month, and some of them even post every week or more. I'm in my early 20s and so many people I went to high school with are traveling the world before they're tied down with more responsibilities and their bodies fall apart (mine already is...). Not because they're rich but because they're simply financially *comfortable* and have *connections* with people (social skills). And because they're not afraid to take risks. And because they've *built a life* for themselves, an identity, since early on in high school, maybe even earlier, which makes doing all of this feel normal to them, makes it all so much easier for them. + +And if they're not traveling, they're still going on smaller adventures with friends and gfs/bfs. Or they're performing in a band at local venues (and they're actually good now). Or they're about to graduate college. Envy kills me. + +I'm so fucked up, I took a ""gap year"" to figure out what I want to do with my life only to drop out of an overpriced community college this year because I still feel too directionless. + +And I know I could have at least a small chance at what these people have if only I would get off my ass instead of sulking. I actually just checked (more like *stalked* because I'm not following any of these people) Instagram for the first time in months. Hurt even more than it did the last time. And in those months where I stopped looking at their lives, did mine improve? Did pretending they aren't living happy, fulfilling lives by avoiding their social media posts altogether make my life any better? Contrary to what every mental-health-guru-genius on Reddit claims: no, it didn't make my life any better. I'm still stuck. I try my hardest every day and I'm still stuck. + +Sure. I've finally had a job at this point in my life (retail, but I snapped and quit). I can drive now, though I hate it. I can go by the mall by myself and do some shopping, not that I have money to spend. And yet it's nothing. It means nothing because it's not enough. Not enough for society and not enough to make me feel fulfilled because it means nothing without other people.",Personality disorder +51014,why doesn't everyone just make friends here Avpd r probably the chillest,Personality disorder +51212,"Is: Aversion to physical touch / affection - cause anyone else to tense up and feel uncomfortable? Hi, I'm not sure if this is an AVPD thing or a CPTSD thing... + +But I have a strong rejection of any physical touch that's comforting or affectionate. + +I'm permanently tense and hypervigilant and I now have a lovely dog who is so loving - but I notice I basically reject her affection of leaning against me by tensing up. I've tried letting go and accepting the comfort of her touch but it leaves me feeling very strange and uneasy. My dog is very smart and notices the miniscule flexes of my muscles and my pushing back at her and will either walk away or try harder to 'love' me / affiliate with me by persisting with her leaning against me with a little bit more weight. She's quite a teacher like that, and could maybe help me learn to accept love/affiliation. + +The same has happened with professional physical massages. I would be 'body armouring' against the touch and tensing up and trying to push away the masseur instead of relaxing and accepting the physical touch and enjoying that experience. + +I have a feeling this is related to an early life trauma thing... but I was wondering if any one with AVPD relates to this. I don't know why I feel so repulsed by physical contact - it makes me feel squirmish and so uncomfortable, in danger almost.. + +Often if I initiate it and am slightly dissociated I can do it. But there's a wall there preventing it from being too authentic or entirely organic, - essentially going through the motions without mindfulness due to the layer of dissociation in the forefront. + +Then there are other times when I can genuinely be affectionate for a short while, to my dog.. giving her a stroke or cuddle - without being dissociated, instead mindful. However after a little while this is when I think AVPD comes into play.... : as I then start to think I suck at being affectionate and that my dog thinks I'm an idiot or annoying or needy or something. (so total lack of self confidence comes into play) + +My experience of touch is kind of like comforting a stranger{in my experience}, you're not 100% in the moment as you're not sure what to do to be there for them. Except I'm like this with giving all friendly/informal/affectionate touch. And receiving it seems to scare me. It confuses me and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable and I rebel against it from the very core of my psyche and body. I can feel like a child / perhaps toddler age.. inside me trying to fight off an opposing force.. when I am touched which makes me think it's a trauma/CPTSD thing. + +Wish I knew how to work with it.. I get overwhelmed. No therapist currently.. + +Things like; I will start stroking the dog as it's happy to see me and wagging it's tail. But then when the tail stops wagging I'll instantly feel like I've done something wrong or the dog isn't enjoying the attention (failure/defective schemas --- {or low self-esteem simply}). So I then try stroking her somewhere else or give up. ----> I'm sure a therapist could help me navigate this quite easily. + +I do have times when It works, I can be affectionate and not crumble in failure if the dog is non responsive, I guess the other times I'm seeking validation that I'm being comforting? the times it works cohesively/naturally are getting easier with practise... but I don't know any tools or practical ways to get better at it when I'm not feeling like it. Most of the time I just want to be alone.. and this dog is very affectionate and I don't want to fail at being reciprocate. - and of course this is all prelude to having human relationships.. which are infinitely more complex.",Personality disorder +51153,,Personality disorder +51829,,Personality disorder +50879,"Is it common for people with AvPD to have a specific preference in friendship and to feel more comfortable around a certain type of people? I know that not all people with AvPD have friends or want friends. For those who made friends in the past or want to make friends with others, do they (or you) have a preference in people they (you) feel more comfortable with being around and with being/becoming friends with them? What did those people have in common?",Personality disorder +50672,"I rejected her even though I wanted her I made plans with a girl and we wanted to meet. + +I decided to cancel it and I told her that I don’t feel good. Obviously she asked what is trying to get me as a some physical illness, but in reality depression is trying to get me. I mean I really don’t feel good I didn’t lie, it’s just not a physical illness. + +What I am suprised is that she instantly also said that we can meet next week. I thought she isn’t interested and she is just messing with me, that’s also reason why I decided to cancel. I don’t think that my depression will be cured until then.😕",Personality disorder +50822,"Did not even want to say hi to me I have an online friend and they really wanted me to meet their friend. I was hesitant but they told me that they’re nice so I joined their little discord server (literally had like 5 people total with me) with the intentions of maybe sending a message or two and never again. But their friend didn’t even want to say hi to me. Like my friend told him to say hi and he literally just said “no” . This happened a few days ago and I’m like really upset about it. He barely even knows anything about me. + +I talked to my friend today and they said that they think he is just jealous that i’m sort of close with them. But I’m still really really hurt and upset about. I feel like I’m not even deserving of being acknowledged or spoken to.",Personality disorder +51686,"I'm screwed, maybe many of you are too? One thing I'm aware of is after you've been disconnected from societal norms for a few years, it seems very difficult to return. I tend to stay away from looking at other people's lives, overall it is good but you also need an awareness of how far adrift you are and the standard you're compared against. + +The average person is socially active, whereas were disengaged. They have a constant stream of chores hobbies events plans, messaging circles. In a day some days I speak to no one and can't even find the motivation to do anything new, even something like watching a movie I can put off. My point is that after a while when you look at the ''activity level'' of a normal average person I just feel inadequate. This is made worse reinforced by the fact that whenever i do try connect with others I get rejected thats because they can sense pretty early I have nothing going on for myself in these social areas and I am not so much like them. And thats the catch-22 because people excluding you stops you ever having anything. + +I'm incapable of organising a fun life, things, like viewing someone in family gathering and getting along with large groups of people and creating a good impression, are intimidating,nearly impossible for me. I'm behind in career, life experiences, life skills, energy. It's just difficult to even get a footing, iv been cut away for so long and many types have closed the door on me",Personality disorder +50946,"Do you guys feel like a make-a-wish kid when trying to meet new people? Idk how else I could explain this but I often feel like people are trying their hardest to be gentle, welcoming and polite when they're internally wishing I never engaged with them in the first place. People always treat me so weirdly that I just have my alarm beeping all the time and I have to actively switch it off because I cannot tell anymore what's fake positive and what's actually a true warning. Guess I'll give up the social stuff and just stick to loneliness, feeling like a stray dog around normal people is the most painful feeling ever.",Personality disorder +51524,"My friend text me, I managed 1 reply before ignoring her. Feel just awful to any people in my life who actually try with me. +My friend text me the other day, it has been a while since we interacted and I had ignored a couple messages from her this past few weeks. So anyway she texts me just asking how im doing and if I want to catch up soon or even this evening. I get that surge of okay I can do this; i wait till i get home from work (the text was in the morning) and I write a reply and send it, explaining how im not in a great head space atm, not able to be around people, but hopefully I will be able to see her soon. She sends me the sweetest reply back, I look at it, and nothing. I don't feel any anxiety or anything I just don't want to reply, I dont know whyyy. And now im sat here feeling awful about myself that I didn't reply to her. +Is this a relatable thing to anyone? I feel like im just a shitty, awful, selfish person.",Personality disorder +51051,"How often do you avoid reading DMs out of fear of what they might say? I just went a week without reading a DM I got after hanging out last week cause I felt they might not want to hand out again. The message actually said ""Hey was fun hanging out, happy to hear from you again""",Personality disorder +51691,"Am I doomed? I recently got diagnosed with AVPD and I feel completely hopeless. This is me, and I will stay like this my whole life. Am I going to have girlfriends? Am I going to get my dream job? Have a fun life? Travel around the world? Apparently not. Apparently I'm just a guy who will stay in his room for the rest of his life and be perpetually awkward at social gatherings. +I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 60",Personality disorder +51713,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 3) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z17zj)",Personality disorder +51194,"Oh god I just feel so soul crushingly alone I can’t take it anymore! I don’t know how to reach out to people online to make friends, let alone my classmates in real life. My parents only ever want to talk to my sister on the phone. I’m so isolated and deprived of any attention or social interaction I feel like I’m going completely fucking crazy. + +I don’t even know where to begin getting help through therapy! I know the first step is to even TAKE a step at all, but I just get so paralyzed by terror I can’t do anything whatsoever. My college has some counseling program they’re partnered with in this city, but I don’t know how to reach out and beg for help. I don’t even know what words to use, I need a script or something. + +I’m 22 and I don’t have a single close friend, every time I take a personality quiz that has a question along the lines of “how many close friends do you have” and there isn’t an option for zero, a part of my soul dies. My boyfriend that I only stayed with out of fear of making him mad by breaking up with him broke up with me a couple weeks ago, and the ONLY social interaction I had whatsoever following that was extremely explicit anonymous sexual harassment on Tumblr that still makes my skin crawl to think about, but I didn’t tell them to stop until a different anon said “hey don’t you think this is kinda predatory?” because I didn’t want to be the killjoy by asking for it to stop and anyway I was probably overreacting about the whole thing to begin with, but now that that’s over since I blocked a few of them and turned anon off, I’m back to zero socialization whatso-fucking-ever! + +Every desperate cry for help feels like I’m just screaming into a vacuum, I don’t know how to get out of this fucking hole I’m trapped in, I’m too goddamn spineless to claw my way out. Can anyone hear me?!?! I just want someone to acknowledge me directly for once, I just want my classmates to invite me to lunch again, they used to invite me daily last year but at some point it feels like they just gave up on trying to get me involved and now it’s all my fault I still don’t have any fucking friends. + +At this point I don’t even want to blame the AvPD, I just want to blame myself for letting this shit perpetuate in my brain so much, it’s like I let a mold spread in here and now it’s in all the wrinkles in my brain, fuck.",Personality disorder +50982,"Do others know about your situation? None of my family knows that I’m lonely and struggle talking to people. They do ask me how I’ve been and how university is going, but I always insist things are going fine and that I’ve made friends. I wish it didn’t come to me lying to them, but I guess that’s better than them being worried sick at the reality of the way I am.",Personality disorder +51449,"sudden sense of self awareness making you want to leave social situations? Have you been in social situations that's *actually going well*, then suddenly you get this wave of self awareness like ""oh yeah, I'm me and I'm probably weirding everyone out"" so you step away to avoid any further cringing? + +What is this and how do I get it to stop? 💀",Personality disorder +51502,"Are there people with avpd who do not have SAD? If it's two different disorders, there should be someone who is avpd without sad although many people have both disorders + +Or are these just different aspects of same thing",Personality disorder +50956,"Has anything actually worked for anyone? When I say I’ve tried it all…I mean it. Every medication you can name except MAOIs because I actually medically can’t take them. CBT, DBT, EMDR, ketamine infusions, Ketamine nasal spray, TMS, talk therapy, and about a million other things. It’s just been getting worse and worse. Now I can’t even sing in the shower without the fear of my neighbors hearing me so I just don’t sing. Can’t sing in front of my mom. And I know I can sing I sang in a band for years when I was young and now it makes me nauseous to think about. I barely leave my house. If I go to a restaurant I think everyone is staring at me and judging me and I know they aren’t but my brain doesn’t listen. If I’m having a bad skin day acne wise then I don’t leave the house even if I have shit to do. I physically cannot talk to strangers. I would give anything to not care what people think and to just be carefree. Im one step away from becoming an agoraphobic…and I am a musician!! It’s ruining my life like my friends don’t even talk to me anymore. I’m ready to off myself tbh, because this shit is making my depression about a million times worse. And my autism tbh because I feel like my sensory issues have gotten wayyyy worse. And I just wanna know has anyone has success? Because I have no hope left. And I need some right about now….but my therapist and psychiatrist told me “there’s nothing else I can do for you”…. + +EDIT: on anxiety meds: Buspiron, Xanax, and Ativan and depression meds: Nortriptyline and I’ve tried everything else. I also meditate every day, I have my medical weed card, and I do yoga",Personality disorder +51811,"is there a point in trying to completely get over this shit i try so hard to get close to people and basically no ones ever responsive, and literally no one gives more than baseline politeness. i expend so much energy trying and nothing comes of it. all i get is hurt because people dont care about me at all. it hurts so much to try and get nothing and rejection in return. + +I'm genuinely wondering if there's really any point in me continuing to try when nothing works out and i just end up in so much pain. i want to just give up and isolate, to save energy and prevent this fucking god awful pain i keep feeling over and over again every time something social comes up + +i understand part of this hopeless feeling is my unrelenting depression but ive quite literally never been able to develop true close relationships outside fucking elementary school and im 21 now",Personality disorder +51553,"Avoiding to live up to my potential This shit is killing me sometimes. I like drawing and cooking sweets like cakes, cookies, muffins and etc. I do have some passions and I'd love to improve my skills and spend my entire time doing this. But I avoid even thinking about going to university because that immediately settles negative thoughts in my rotten brain. What if I embarrass myself yet again?If I am not immediately good at this, what's the point of all that?This is gonna be more stressful and exhausting than enjoyable..and so on and so on. I think I do have some sort of potential but I refuse to live up to it. So many obstacles and curves on this path, it feels like I am going to fail and eventuality quit at the very start. + + I don't know what else to say..this is so frustrating. Anyone else here who's feeling same? + + Sorry for some mistakes I might have made btw, english isn't my native language.",Personality disorder +50747,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned (in a western country) and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wl0eu)",Personality disorder +50867,,Personality disorder +51424,"are you neurodivergent? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10u5llc)",Personality disorder +50991,"I refuse to flirt; it feels so silly. I (28M) am not a romantic, affectionate person by any stretch of the words. I’m definitely cold and aloof (at least outwardly); especially around women I actually like and am attracted to. + +So flirting just feels like I have to put on a super uncomfortable act, pretend to be someone I’m not. I don’t like it or want to do it. Although I haven’t experienced a romantic relationship yet, I like the idea of it; I just can’t stand the process enough to make it worth it. + +Idk if anyone else has felt this way or has any advice? Or could relate?",Personality disorder +51079,"It's getting harder to pretend I'll be okay My birthday was last month. I turned 26. I went to a buffet with my mom because she was the only one who remembered. It was nice, but the whole time I also had this cold dread in my stomach because this is my life, that this is going to be my life forever. And a month out the dread is still here. It's hard to breathe sometimes when I think about how I'm closer to 30 now than to 20, over a quarter of the way through my life by any metric, and I have nothing at all to show for it. I still haven't met basic milestones others do in their teens. And I don't see myself meeting them anytime soon. I never learned how to drive. I've never lived on my own. I've never held a job for longer than a year. I've never had a friend, let alone a romantic attachment. Most of my hometown is a mystery to me because I've never gone anywhere or experienced anything. And at this point, the idea of trying to fix what's wrong is scarier than just rotting away on my own. + +Sorry for the melodrama. Point being, I'm not in a great place right now and it's just getting worse over time. And I can't talk to anyone about it, because I don't know anyone except my mom, and she really doesn't understand why I can't just force it. To be fair, I don't understand either. Thanks for reading, and have a good day.",Personality disorder +51457,"I can't win *rant incoming* Somewhat recently someone at work who saw I was very avoidant actually decided to talk to me and encourage me to get more connected to people. I took some of it to heart and did just that even if it was just online. I had some nice little projects going on, met some great people but then everything just went sideways in my life all at once and now I'm slipping back into being almost entirely invisible again and I don't want to be but it feels like all I have to offer now because of it is negativity right now. In a nutshell a lot of family stuff went down and I even am now having a technical problem with my music project I can't find out the issue of and I'm just spending more and more money trying to fix it. The one thing. I found that I enjoy doing and was finally making progress with completely over the course of a single night went under for me. I swear it's like I'm cursed. Everything I love turns to crap and any good times I have in life are always immediately at some point halted by complete tragic BS. It never ends and I just retreat back into myself again repeating all of the old cycles. Is there anyone that can relate? I don't expect any solutions cause I don't even think there is any besides just doing my thing and moving on.",Personality disorder +50866,"Don't know how much longer I can take the loneliness I haven't had a bf or been intimate with a guy in 10 years. I can't fend off the feeling of desperate loneliness anymore. I've been trying Tinder for the 2nd time (used it for a brief period last year but never really talked to anyone before uninstalling) and have been forcing myself to put in an effort - responding to messages and messaging first. But it hasn't been going well...there were a few guys who I thought I was hitting it off with, but they all stopped responding to me eventually. The last one hurt the most because I had gathered up the courage to ask him to meet me. I don't know what I did wrong, I thought things were going ok, we had been chatting regularly for a little more than a week. I messaged him again this morning to let him know I was available today if he wanted to see me, and he still didn't get back to me and probably never will. + +I'm devastated right now. I was so happy about talking with this guy a few days ago and now I'm back to being as lonely as ever. Another lonely Friday night...I don't know how much more of it I can take. I don't know if I want to keep trying if it's just gong to be constant rejection. It seems inevitable, I screw everything up and drive people away with my shitty personality, I shouldn't even be surprised this happened but it still hurts so much :(",Personality disorder +51272,"Asking myself ""why do people like me so much?"" I have found myself asking this alot recently. Over the last couple weeks i've been invited out a bunch by friends, and friends of friends. I went to a few of them, but am still ultimately confused on being included in so many plans because i often feel like i'm not that interesting of a person. Not that i don't enjoy being included, i do, but at a certain point i felt overloaded. Just wondering if anyone else has this phenomenon, or if maybe i'm something else in addition to being AvPD. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/112d8xr)",Personality disorder +50769,"Does anybody else feel like they know their symptoms understand how their brains though process work, but still feel hopeless at getting rid of AvPD Im a very introspective person I always observe my actions and thoughts and how I interact with other people, i can see I’ve got a negative feedback loop with SAD, AvPD and autism traits which destroys my self esteem which means I always have bad intentions and conversations with people, but im just so confused and leaves me feeling hopeless as i have no idea how to change",Personality disorder +50812,"just turned to my coworker and talked one day i've always been in awe of people who can just start talking. every time i think 'i could say this!' it's immediately dogpiled with other thoughts. the self hating ones. i don't have it in me to list them right now, but if you're reading this, unfortunately you probably know what i mean. + +anyway. i was heading out for my break on saturday, and i got my marlboros out of my locker. (smoking is bad, i know). i bought them off a friend of a friend who stocked up on her trip to italy. so i turned to my coworker (notoriously one of if not the most outgoing in our little crew), and said ""hey, check these out."" and i showed him the picture of the blackened lung on the carton, and we kind of joked about how fucked up it is that those kinds of health warnings are the norm in other countries, but not here (USA). + + i don't really know what was different this time. it must have been a beneficial glitch, because i haven't shown that degree of spontaneity since, especially not while 100% sober. + +it was nothing. and the self hating thoughts came right after. but once those settled a bit, it was nice. + +thanks so much for reading, i just wanted to ramble as always.",Personality disorder +51847,"Anhedonia Do you have anhedonia / lack of strong emotions? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11px78z)",Personality disorder +50766,"I’m mostly so avoidant due to being ashamed of my appearance, and feeling like I don’t belong. Anyone else feel the same way? I’m a below average looking guy, and I just want to be normal looking. I feel like my AVPD has gotten worse over time because I am just too ugly for life.",Personality disorder +50690,"Storytime... Hey, so... I've made some realizations in the shower as I do what most of us do and plan out the conversations I'll be having in two weeks because I know it's going to happen and I need to be ready or I'll just clam up and nothing is going to happen. We've all been there, most of us are still there, let's talk about what I'm thinking about in this little vent sesh. + +Alright, so I was showering, thinking about how akward it's going to be when I tell my friends some secrets. Wow! I know, sharing secrets! It freaking sucks! + +So basically, I'm part of a church group, and these people are closer to me than my family because I don't like/trust my family and being around them is stressful. These friends that I hang out with all the time are my safe place and they make me feel...happy really. + +Though I don't share everything, these people are genuine and kind, and they always make me feel safe. It's just that, I am going on a mission trip with them this summer. Going to Africa, and it took them months to convince me to come with them. I still don't like the idea of going, but knowing that I'll be with them the entire time makes me feel much better. Besides, I used to fly a lot so the plane ride will be pretty nostalgic for me. + +So, as part of going on the trip, I have to do a few things. One thing that I have to do is research a topic on one part of the trip and give a presentation to oir team (9 people including me). I trust, love, and feel safe with everyone on this team, and all but one of them have been my closest friends for almost 2 years now. I couldn't ask for better friends. + +Anyways, the presentation I'm giving is in two weeks and I'll be discussing the entertainment part of the trip. Basically, I just have to research what kind of entertainment there is where we're going and make a small (mostly funny) slideshow. It doesn't even have to last 5 minutes, but honestly...this presentation is the least of my anxieties in this mess. + +Another thing that I'm going to have to do is share my testimony. That is essentially a summarized version of your life story. I'll have to talk about my troubles, my past, my family, all of it. And these are my friends, they'll know if I'm holding back. But it scares me so much! Half of them don't actually know I have avpd! They just know that I've been going to therapy for a while and that I started taking medicine. Though, the medicine is kind of iffy really. + +Anyways, I'm super anxious about it, especially since I did something similar last year, but that was at the height of my emotional suppression. This time last year, I was so empty and emotionless. But of course, nobody knew. I was always masking my emotions and faking a smile. I didn't even know I was doing it, and when I gave my testimony for last year's mission, it was incomplete and full of holes. I talked about my lack of friends, but I was blind to the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and siblings because I had convinced myself that I was just weak and that my pain was normal and even less than what everyone else had to go through. + +But it's not like that, that's not how I should think about my past pain. It took so long for my friends to break my barriers, but they managed to do that and convince me to go to therapy. + + I'm much better now, but I'm also not suppressing my emotions. It was really hard at first because everything just hurt so much and it overwhelmed me. One moment I was putting on a face to fool everyone into thinking I was okay, but as soon as I was behind closed doors, I was hurting myself and cursing the world for letting my life be the way it was. + +The fact that I have to go and tell my friends how I've been feeling over the last year is overwhelming, but I am not allowed to go on this mission unless I share my testimony. It's only fair though, everyone of us is sharing our testimony, no matter how much it hurts, we're going to be here for each other. + + +If you've actually read this far, I just want to say thank you. You're a special type of person, and whoever is in your life is truly lucky to know someone like you. And if they don't understand that, then know that I am thanking you for the kindness you have done for me just by reading this. Thank you.",Personality disorder +50759,,Personality disorder +51016,"AvPD got a shout out in The Expendables Kind of a funny bit of trivia, I didn't expect to hear AvPD mentioned in a very 'manly-man' action movie like The Expendables, but at one point Randy Couture's character mentions he is going to therapy for it lol. He says it at the 18 second mark in this clip. + +[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikmkGbTVFV8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikmkGbTVFV8)",Personality disorder +51504,do you also feel invisible? it seems like every time i try interacting with someone it just gets ignored. no matter what. even if i ask questions as to prompt a reply it's like i don't exist or nothing i say is of enough value to pay attention to. i don't get what i'm doing so wrong,Personality disorder +51370,"DAE have depressive-zero motivation to do anything when alone i just want to sleep but i never feel rested and recovered + + +i really want to make music but im only motivated around others -- i have some intrinsic motivation such as to make music but i keep getting discouraged to the utmost point by a lot of stuff -- dreaming of playing at festivals and having fun with people and then feeling like its just an impossible task to even try to start + + +and to mention transgender trauma, its just not easy to interact with others and its always this doom and gloom there is no time wasted time feeling of society and its machine of productivity. i like being productive, but i hate the pressure. and if i dont feel motivated, pressure is the alternative response. kind and caring encouragement gives me space to debate when people dont want to debate it, which kindof makes sense + + +my point is im sad. i can't live in a 2D world IRL where i dont get misgendered, and using the internet just to feel a sense of alleviation from dysphoria is fake because anyone can fake anything on the internet, i wanted it to feel real as i could and i lost my insurance this is giving me a headache. + + +I didn't want to BE ""X"" i wanted to replace my y chromosome end of story",Personality disorder +51410,"Feeling jealousy and not good enough when close friends start talking to someone else and direct most of their attention to them To be clear I'm not talking about drifting away from each other over time but rather like getting ditched where it all happens in a few minutes or less. This has happened to me a few times but the worst time was a few days ago because it happened with the closest friend I've ever had. It actually happened with them a few months ago too. I also feel bad for feeling like this and trying hard to not push them away but just can't control these feelings. + +A few days ago we were playing an online game together as we often do and after a while they mentioned that they were also talking to another friend while playing and I realized that was why they were so quiet compared to all the other times. I started shutting down after that but kept playing together for a few hours. We didn't say anything but I knew they were talking to the other friend instead. They did say bye when they were getting off and for the first time I didn't say anything back. Still haven't said anything and feel bad cause we are the best friends each other has ever had and I know for sure it is true for them, they are not lying. But just can't help these feelings of not wanting to talk to them anymore and pushing them away. I feel so ridiculous for feeling like this like for them it's just a normal interaction with someone else and not knowing how bad it made me feel.",Personality disorder +51387,"People say the most horrible things about me then wonder why I don’t open up or feel comfortable to talk to them How and why would I try being friends with people who say I’m an ugly, useless, f@ggot with no friends? They literally make fun of how lonely I am and talk shit about me .. who in tf is going to talk to people who obviously hate them. Like most people talk shit about me. When I try being nice and open they call me annoying , weird or try to take advantage of me. When I’m quiet and avoidant due to constant mistreatment they say I’m weird and creepy and a loser + + +Wtf do people want from me I’m so ducking exhausted dealing with people. I feel like I can’t trust anyone and the whole reason I don’t try reaching out to people is because every time i thought I was friends with someone they talked shit about me / secretly hated me.. how am I supposed to genuinely trust anyone after that?",Personality disorder +51412,"i need a tip pls Hello after 21 year of life +I am finally trying to make a relationship +I met a girl in the university . +i make the first move And I introduced myself to her(my first time in my life introduction myself to another person) . And it was great she was so nice and we start talking ( I felt like i am a human being) +But I think I got myself into trouble i met her in a another fast break But I didn't know how to talk to her and I felt so anxious . +I am afraid that if I ask her again , she will refuse",Personality disorder +51019,"Jesus taught avoidance I'm certain I'd be diagnosed with this disorder, and many prophets would too. + +John the Baptist, for example, lived in the wilderness until he started his ministry. Now that is dedication! + +There are many verses related to AvPD in the Bible, I'll post some at the bottom. + +I avoid everyone but Jesus, because he is infinitely loving and wise, and talking to other people is TORTURE in comparison. + +I've experienced this phenomenon in my life many times, and I see it constantly across every facet of life - friend groups, businesses, etc + +If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. + +- Mark 3:24 + +It seems that we have realized no matter who or what we come into contact with, it's only a matter of time until it falls apart. + +I would argue this is not a disorder, but wisdom. + +In fact, I would encourage everyone to lean into this! + +Whatever can be shaken, let it fall. + +Jesus Christ is the only solid foundation. He is the only thing valuable enough to unite around. + +Without Christ, it WILL fall apart - your new social circle, workout plan, job, hobby... + +Don't settle for second best. Don't put your faith in a priest, pastor, friend, partner, family... Go straight to the source! + +He's waiting for you to call out. + +You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. + +- Jeremiah 29:13 + +Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. + +- Matthew 7:7‭-‬8 + +~~ + +AvPD: + +Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. + +- 1 John 2:15 + +You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. + +- James 4:4 + +If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. + +- John 15:19 + +And before someone brings up eternal hell, visit r/ChristianUniversalism - not all Christians believe eternal hell is biblical",Personality disorder +51624,"I am impressed by my ability to make girls to be mad at me It happened to me few times in my life, I felt like there was a girl who was interested in me and then suddenly she became mad at me. And it was without reason, maybe the reason was that she expected me to do something, but I did nothing. And then suddenly her very friendly behavior changed to mad behavior and she started avoiding me. + +This is one of the things I am really good at, other than that I am bad pretty much at anything.",Personality disorder +51095,"what to say to those who you ghosted and what they might say I know some people are happy to cut ties with people, but others feel guilty or anxious about cutting ties and freeze because too much time has passed. If someone reached out to me and said something along the lines of struggling with personal things, that would be so helpful even if much time has passed. The people who you have ghosted are probably hurt and confused, and the truth is they probably internalized it as something THEY have said or done wrong. If they did not do anything wrong, that is something to highlight. + +""Hi. I just wanted you to know that I have been struggling with some personal things, and that's why I haven't reached out. I am still struggling and not ready to maintain friendships just yet. But I do want to let you know I care. I'm sorry if I have left you hurt and confused. It was not something you have done wrong."" I am not in a place to explain further, but I do hope you are well."" + +Some people may be understanding, and some people may still be reeling from the hurt and not respond at all, or they may decide that they do not want to open the door back up to having contact with you now or in the future because they felt that they were rejected and don't want to risk that again. Rejection hurts people without mental illness, too! That is not necessarily a rejection of you, but more of a reflection of the place where they're at mentally. It may have taken them a while to move on from the relationship/friendship. Some people may feel that keeping that door closed is protecting them from getting hurt again. In my opinion, that is more than a fair response so before you do reach out if you decide to, you have to mentally prepare for whatever decision someone will make. One way to look at it is you get the chance to prepare for their response when they never got a chance to prepare for being ghosted (unless you let them know you ghost at times).",Personality disorder +51658,,Personality disorder +51219,"Is anyone else terrified of driving? I've always been terrified of driving and get extremely anxious, especially in new areas or high traffic areas. Driving with other people in the car also gives me anxiety. Does anyone else get this or is it just a me thing?",Personality disorder +51005,"why am i so scared of being seen? +i cant tell if its avoidant personality disorder or body dysmorphia or a sick combination of both but i highly suspect i suffer from avpd. it just all makes so much fucking sense, too much honestly and it hurts to think that life will always be this painful. i feel like theres nothing i can do about it. ive always said i feel like an alien. that i feel like i experience being a human differently than everyone else is. because if everyone else was hurting as much as me, no way theyd be able to keep it to themselves. everyone would be crying all the time. and theyre not. so i must be the weird one. + +i have these online friends i wanna meet, known them for 11 years, and they only live a few hours away. theyve expressed interest several times and im just this freak who cant leave the house. the thought of them looking at me terrifies me. theyve seen me through a phone screen but what if in person im too ugly? realistically i know they wouldnt suddenly turn on me and start bullying or anything but the idea that the thought still might pop into their heads, something along the lines of “oh, disappointing” or “at least i dont look like that” … its too much. its painful to think about. + +theres one friend who is pretty special to me. we met as kids through an online game, had a little flirty/crush/puppy love thing going on for a while but we grew up and didnt stay as close through the years, just checking in here or there… but lately they have become one of the most important people ever to me. and those dumb childish feelings started coming back, only now i think its evolved into something more, and i seriously have been hopelessly pining after them for the past 3 years or so… + +recently, they said they liked me. took me COMPLETELY by surprise as i had been trying (and failing miserably) to get over them. so this should be great news. but nothing can happen now. we just expressed our mutual “like” and now we flirt a little here and there but they said they dont think they can be in a romantic relationship right now, yet they keep initiating all of the flirting, and they mentioned how its hard not seeing me because if we could hang out things would be easier. which makes a lot of fucking sense. but this is also all very confusing. + +im stuck. im terrified. im ugly… theyve seen my face and know that im fat but theyve never really SEEN me. not fully. not from every angle. not up close. not in person. im anticipating the rejection, the disgust, and its too much… i wanna hold onto this idea in my head of us living happily ever after. and changing the relationship… will probably end in disaster. they said they need my friendship and that theyre scared this could ruin things. im scared too. im scared they’ll see me and any feelings of “like” will fade completely. and if i tell them this, im scared it will only speed up the process. they talk about wanting to kiss me and things like that and… ive never done anything with anyone. 12 yr old me is freaking out, i always hoped they would be my first back then lmao… so many firsts i wanna have and im scared it will mean too much to me and not them. how do i express this? do i even try? how the FUCK do i get over this and go see them? i need to see them. i need them. i need i need i need … i need help. can anyone talk to me?",Personality disorder +51144,"Social anxiety-geared remedies and treatments have made things worse **Trigger warning for suicidal ideation mention. +Also, long post alert. This is something that’s been brewing for a while that I hadn’t been able to articulate until now. + +I’m 24 years old. I’ve been actively trying to combat social anxiety since I was 17. And after reflecting on these past years, I truly feel like all of the things I did to try to improve have only made my feelings worse and solidified my fears. + +For example, public speaking: I was told throughout school and therapy that practicing public speaking would make it easier over time. I was also told I would need to do a lot of it to have a successful career. + +So, I did the following: joined the media club in high school, where I made intercom announcements and once made a TV announcement. Taught Spanish to children as an assignment. Took opportunities to read aloud in class and chose speaking assignments when given the choice. In college: I had several mandatory presentations. I joined clubs, and did almost weekly public speaking for various purposes for them. I called numbers for a bingo game for over 100 people and also proctored a club election. I then became a resident advisor which involved pretty regular public speaking. + +Let me tell you, it did NOT get easier y’all lmao. I swear to god, I kept telling myself it would get better and waiting for it to get easier and it only got harder emotionally. I definitely improved my skills, but every public speaking incident wreaked absolute havoc on my psyche. Like throwing up beforehand, staying up and ruminating after, shaking, emotional anguish, insomnia, the works. Like I’d argue it got even worse as time went on. No amount of praise was ever able to shake it, and i’ve received some pretty consistent positive feedback. I have this thought of like, probability. Like I WILL fuck up and embarrass myself during an event. And every time a speech goes well, I feel like my odds of failure increase. Plus I’m not sure how much I trust the positive feedback I’ve gotten. I can accept that I’m an effective speaker, but anything more than that feels fake like people are lying to make me feel better. + +So, public speaking hasnt gotten easier. I’m out of options. And it’s frustrating that no one around me understands this because, to them, I’m a sufficient speaker. But the idea of speaking to a group of people makes me want to fucking kill myself. Like every time. And now… I have a ton of lovely memories that play in my head when I think of speaking. Like my brain has the motherload of material to make me feel deep levels of shame, embarrassment, regret, anxiety, etc. + +I wish i’d never started doing this stuff because now people actually expect it of me and I am haunted by awful memories that make me feel worse than I did before. I mean for fuck’s sake, I’ll get in a panic because I remembered speaking to KIDS. Six year olds. Who the fuck is embarrassed to speak to six year olds? Remembering things like this can straight-up ruin an otherwise perfect day and completely sour my mood. + +It’s not just public speaking. Its making friends, joining clubs, volunteering, working, the works. I faced my fears and they fought back viciously. And after covid isolation, I find it literally impossible to force myself to try these things again, even though I know I’m capable of them. I just don’t want to contribute to the material my brain uses against me. I feel full, like I’m out of storage space. I’m just sick of the regret and embarrassment and guilt over existing the way I did. + +I feel like I’m destined to spend my future disappointing people and failing. I’ll never be like I once was, and even if I do then it will just be exhausting and miserable. Right before covid I was reaching a breaking point anyway—like I was about to quit my job (or get fired) and possibly school because I couldn’t handle the hole I’d dug myself into. I feel spent and directionless. I dont know what my goals are anymore. I don’t even know who I am because I spent so long trying to be someone I’m not.",Personality disorder +50903,"I confronted my kid's teacher today My kid has been having issues with this teacher all year. They really struggle with concentration and memory and the teacher has been terribly unsupportive. It's the only class my kid has been failing. + +A few months ago my kid was diagnosed with cancer. We set up a 504 to reduce the amount of assignments and give them extended time. + +They were then out of school for two weeks for surgery. All of their teachers except the problem teacher followed the 504 and greatly reduced the amount of their makeup assignments. + +Regardless, my kid worked hard to turn in a large portion of the assignments. Yet, they're still failing that class. + +I emailed the teacher today to make sure she graded all the assignments. She told me she did, but otherwise did not give me any helpful information in getting my child's grade up. I then asked if she has been following the 504 plan and I've not received a response. + +I've already been second guessing whether I was too aggressive in my emails, but at the same time I feel like I'm going to have to escalate it with the school. + +I'm stressed and I've been fucking sick to my stomach all day. I'm cycling between anger and embarrassment and I'm going nuts. + +Just needed to vent 😞 + +Edited: Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I've been in continued correspondence with the teacher. She stated that she has already reduced the amount of work, but I still have issue with the amount and content. + +I also elaborated on the fact that my child has been having issues all year only in this class. My child has told me they're afraid of this teacher and they struggle with her teaching methods. The teacher had no helpful comments, and has only repeated that ""the issue is missing assignments"" as if I don't have eyes. She also said she thinks they can turn this semester around if ""we"" can motivate them, and thinks they are not having academic difficulties. This rubs me the wrong way because motivation starts in the classroom and she's clearly been lacking. + +PT conferences are tomorrow, I'll be talking with the principal.",Personality disorder +51130,"Failing out of college + abusive family I’ve been in my apartment now for two months, only leaving for food. I know this isn’t ‘long’ but I’m the unicorn extrovert with avpd among us. I’m supposed to be graduating this semester, yet I’ve gone to none of my classes or done any of the work. I have no motivation, and I feel that I legitimately don’t deserve my degree. I’m withering away and don’t know where to start fixing this mess. + +It bothers me that I’m failing out, but not *nearly* as much as the fear of how my abusive family will react to having to bail me out of trouble *again*. Never mind how it feels to still be so controlled as an adult. I’ve already had to withdraw one semester for mental health purposes, and I cannot bear having to admit that I’m in an impossible situation once again. And they don’t even believe I’m mentally ill. I don’t need their approval, I just need to not be verbally ripped apart. + +It would take too long to describe how cruel my family can be, but it is enough that I am living in a full breakdown trying to keep this lie holding together. My dad once called me a 23 year old loser and I keep proving them right. + +And yet, I’d willingly take abuse over the solitary confinement I live in now. I cannot do this any longer or I’m going to snap in half under the weight.",Personality disorder +51288,"Hikikomori condition Have any of you become hikikomori because of the condition of avoiding personality disorder? +I personally do and I'm tired of being a hikikomori",Personality disorder +51734,"Talked to a friend for the first time in over a month ... Like an actual phone call conversation. It felt really good! + +Sending good vibes to everyone here in this subreddit 🤗",Personality disorder +51060,"I really miss having friends I think about old friends every single day, always reminiscing about the good old days where I used to have people that liked me and I used to laugh a lot and make memories I've never since forgotten. I regularly fantasise about still hanging out with old friends I haven't spoken to in over a decade, making up memories that never happened just trying to forget that are not part of my life anymore. + +The only times I've ever been truly happy was just being ""one of the guys"" where I was invited to things and people liked having me around for some reason I couldn't quite understand. And I just pushed everyone away assuming they all secretly hated me, with absolutely evidence to support that claim. Then I spend the rest of my life thinking about them every day hoping some day they might still think of me and reach out cause I definitely am not the one to do it first. + +I haven't had a friend in years now and my life feels so empty without them, they really do fill a massive gap in my life. Feeling wanted and liked by others is the best thing I've ever felt, but it never lasts long before they see how really odd I am and a distance starts forming. + +Anyway sorry for the rant, just having one of those days that even though it's exactly the same as every other day, it also just feels worse for some unknown reason.",Personality disorder +51773,"People telling me to calm down instead of understanding my pain DAE experience this? No one takes me seriously when I say that stuff that's happened to me has negatively affected my mental health. I'm basically told to calm down/ stop worrying, even if it's really affected me. Basically just a refusal to accept and acknowledge that I've been hurt. + +I think is partly why I have avpd to start with. I guess this could be classed as some form of emotional neglect, not having my feelings validated or taken seriously to the point where I've had to deal with my trauma by myself.",Personality disorder +50818,"Feeling like I don't do enough I'm not sure if this is due to the disorder or not, if it's imposter syndrome, if it's from old Christian mantras of ""put others before yourself"" being baked into my psyche since childhood, or if it's a combination of all three; but I often feel like I don't do enough for other people in my life. Whether it's with other family members, close friends, or co-workers, I often get this sense. + +I work from home. And I've done a lot on our current project over the course of this past year. But now that we're sitting near the finish line, almost ready to go-live with not much else to do other than wait for the cutover, I can't help but feel some kind of guilt like I'm not doing enough. Even though I helped our team make a ton of progress in the past few months. + +With friends or family it often comes in the form of ""should I be there?"" or ""I know I be there, be present, but I really don't want to"" and then I just feel like a POS terrible friend/sibling/son/etc. for not doing it. For example, a relative of mine had a gender reveal party a few weeks ago. Naturally, I didn't go. I'm not particularly close with this family member and haven't been for years. Nonetheless I still felt like an asshole for skipping. Especially later when I talked to my dad and asked how it went; I asked ""who was there?"" and he said ""Just about everyone. Except for you"". I don't think he intended to make me feel guilty, but it kind of did. My mom corrected him later and pointed out a few other family members that didn't make it, but nonetheless I felt like I didn't do enough. Even though, again, this relative having the child and I don't really talk or show interest in one another's lives anymore. + +Another example is a friend, a close friend, who really does their best to help me get out of the house and do things. They'll invite me to things at bars or restaurants, and 9 times out of 10 I don't go. Part of me appreciates the hell out of that, because I need it, and it's nice to be included/wanted. Another part of me wishes they'd leave me alone; because I don't think I'm interesting enough or worthy enough to hang out with. Then I start feeling a whirlwind of guilt and shame for bailing out of the request. + +Wondering if all these feelings of guilt or shame are part of the disorder, or if it's something else. Anyone else experience this?",Personality disorder +51435,"I finally won my disability case! Hi everyone! I want to share hope if you struggle with your mental health. It took me about 2 years but on my 3rd appeal where I went in front of the judge, I was granted disability for my struggles with my mental health! I’m so relieved, so happy to finally have someone recognize me for what I deal with every day. + +I’m thankful for all the years I hopped from job to job, struggling, for this helped increase my monthly payment amount. It was worth it now. Now I can devote my full attention for healing and continue to better myself. Life is good 💚 Feels good to share something positive for once.",Personality disorder +51108,"Imagine having avpd in like 1960 There’s not much to be thankful for regarding avpd, but if I’m going to have avpd I’m at least glad I have it in the modern day. Imagine how hard it would’ve been in the past, nobody would understand, you wouldn’t be able to get a proper diagnosis or explanation for your mental health issues, and you’d be totally isolated seeing as there would be no technology and none of the escapism it provides. I’d be bored as fuck if I didn’t have video games and drugs I ordered online to cope with this shit. You probably would’ve been ostracised from your community and branded a freak, maybe even lobotomised or some shit if ur really unlucky. I’m so thankful I have tech and modern day understanding, i would be so fucked without it",Personality disorder +51744,"AvPD diagnosed recently Hey all, I was diagnosed with AvPD quite recently (and finally I guess) after all those years spent in confusion what is wrong with me. I finally got an appointment at psychologist, we were doing for the first few hours screening process, turned out I do have AvPD and I met all necessary criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. Also he mentioned that I do have some symptoms of schizophrenia and narcissistic personality. But after I read his diagnosis this evening, he wrote that I have ‘Other personality disorder’. Which idk how I feel about that. Like I do not belong to anything even in this. And when I started to talk to him about feeling really depressed, and about my suicidal thoughts earlier today, he just said that we will talk about it next time, in a two weeks. And I am so confused about this, like no one really care, especially with the suicidal thoughts. And feeling I do have no one to talk. Or maybe I don’t want to? I don’t know. But this is making me super super lonely and more depressed. No one really cares..",Personality disorder +51756,"Who is my first love? Have I fallen in love yet? As someone with AVPD, I have trouble connecting with people. I know I'm smart, and attractive, and I care for people, but it's my lack of social skills that make it hard for people to see the real me. I've had two guys like me back in the past few years. Which one of them would be considered my ""first love""? + +The first guy ""Dave"" I met when I was 19 on vacation. He and I would just talk at the pool about politics and education (even though he was kind of a party guy, he has a nerdy side). We only hung out for two days, but after our first day hanging out, the second day, he was really shy talking to me. But our romance was cut short because he had a girlfriend, and made the mistake of spilling the beans about his crush on me to other kids at the resort. He cut off contact with me, but when they broke up a month later, he started looking at my social media a lot. Not to mention, he made a playlist about me for my birthday. We don't even talk, so I don't know if this is some sort of peace offering or apology. + +The second guy ""Steve"" I met a year later, at my job. He and I bonded on the first day of work about growing up in the same hometown, and I told my mom that day about how we bonded over our ""parallel lives"". We worked together for a little over a year. And we never went out or anything, but he would hit on me a lot. But stupid me was either too dense to realize he was flirting or too surprised in the moment to say any good flirting lines back. But a customer asked me for my number one day, and I gave it to him. I guess I kind of wanted to motivate my crush to ask me out, but literally the week after, he went out with his sister's friend (the sister set them up), but they broke up and he likes me. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wpn90)",Personality disorder +51798,"Anyone here try making online friends? For me its difficult because everyone is more advanced than me or younger. Many people are focused on careers/productivity/school/family. I always feel like a kid compared to others when I observe or interact with people. + +Another issue that would happen is the few people I found remotely on my level would ditch me after some months. I think it does not work with people if you do not objectively help the person or intend to interact with them on a physical or visceral level rather than just talking about interests or random stuff. + +In theory I should just go ask people if they want to play certain games but it does not feel right if people just opening up about their personal lives or bantering with me makes me feel like trash. It is absurd to me that I have to shut out 99.X percent of the population because they are better than me or I don't share their interests.",Personality disorder +50737,"I don't know if I truly deserve to get better. I don't feel like putting in the work anymore. + +I know some of you will say ""no one will save you, you have to save yourself"". + +But that's just not true. I have saved three people I called friends before from terrible, terrible things. + +But I don't know if anyone will want to save me. + +I don't have any energy within myself to give out anymore. + +I don't have any resources, material or otherwise, to give anymore. + +In short... I don't think I'm profitable enough to be helped anymore. + +I'd lose you more money than I'd make you.",Personality disorder +51804,"Conversational and social skills… what are they I think I’ve never given myself a chance to develop them because of AvPD. I could’ve had a fuller social life in school but I was so in my shell, I just had a few close friends. And even with them, I felt I could’ve been better. It seemed like they all clicked with each other very well and even though we were all good friends, sometimes there was something missing in my connection with people. I know they say skills are to be learned but it really really REALLY seems like it’s just inborn for other people. So I just do everything I can to avoid one on one conversations so nobody has the chance to think I’m weird and don’t know how to talk or something.",Personality disorder +50949,"DAE avoid taking care of your appearance? I don't mean personal hygiene. Like, avoiding skincare, not caring abt your hair, dressing as baggy and blandly as possible, not doing makeup. + +I just desperately don't want any attention. I don't want girls to comment anything about my ""cute outfit"", I don't want men to stare at me. I want to be invisible",Personality disorder +51306,"Not afraid of rejections but about others mocking me for my feelings can anybody relate? I dont think i am afraid of the rejection but about two other things: First one is that other guys could mock me for my feelings and use this against me. +And second is that if she does get to know me better she might loose interest as i am just not really good at this dating thing. + +Can you relate to that?",Personality disorder +50724,Why is AVPD considered a personality disorder and not a mental illness? So from what i have read seems like AVPD is the only pure ego-dystonic personality disorder and usually personality disorders are seen as a flaw in someone's personality and are ego-syntonic in nature but in the case of AVPD seems like no one likes to have this condition. So why isn't AVPD considered a mental illness because the symptoms of someone with AVPD seems to match up with different things like social anxiety and extreme low self esteem? Like the symptoms are basically the same in a lot of ways.,Personality disorder +51297,"how are some people able to not care so much? if they miss work, if they’re late to an event, if someone or other is upset with them, some people don’t let that shit get them down. but for me it turns into a self-hating spiral of why I can’t function. + +do you relate to holding onto and beating yourself up for small personal failures? + +while I’m here, I have one other question. I notice my emotions and my reaction to my emotions is extremely dependent on my immediate environment. that is to say, I don’t take discomfort well at all. I don’t cope with thoughts like “it will be over soon” “next time won’t be so bad” because I can’t get myself out of the suffering of the here and now. for my life, this makes working hard, which makes money hard, which lends itself to the spiral of worthlessness. + +I abuse dissociative drugs for this reason, it’s the only possible way to escape the reality of the present, which is often uncomfortable. the dxm actually not only pulls me away but allows me to see things objectively, and see the beauty and humor in life, how small I am and how big everything else is, things like that. + +I don’t mean to derail, I know it’s not a drug sub. but so, do you find your emotions to be a direct reaction of the environment around you, so much so that you can’t avoid them, and spend much of your life actively suffering like me? + +sorry if this post is stupid, and if you do.",Personality disorder +51474,,Personality disorder +51264,Friends? Does anyone look for a friend? Wanna be friends?,Personality disorder +51605,,Personality disorder +50718,"What are your waking habits like? I try to be an early bird and probably feel a bit more human when I am but it's definitely more natural for me to be awake in the early hours of the morning and wake up later in the day. + +Thought it was worth asking to see whether most are night owls in an attempt to avoid life? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11y8hsd)",Personality disorder +51780,"I want to curl up into my bed and never leave This week has been absolute hell. I feel so overwhelmed with life right now, and I want to be completely alone. I don’t want to be perceived or asked why I missed two weeks of class. I don’t want people constantly (and very publicly) asking me if I’m okay. Yes, I’m fine, but no I’m not fine. I’m fine enough to function, but I also want to run away. I appreciate the sentiment, I just wish it wasn’t in front of the whole class. + +I’m pretty sure most of this is my depression talking, but it’s definitely making my AvPD symptoms worse. I feel like EVERYBODY is looking at me. I’m beating myself up all the time for what I don’t/can’t do. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself. I just want to hide. Curl up into my corner. Never speak to a soul.",Personality disorder +51819,"I can’t look at Reddit anymore There’s always someone being rejected, and when they show hatred for them, I feel hated as well.",Personality disorder +51506,"How do you even expose yourself to the public or gain ""experience"" when you are 30+? I have been hiding from people for so long. Even when I was going to school I was finding ways to hide from the world. + +I got sad again and randomly searched ""avoidance"" on YouTube and one video that popped up was from this guy called Dr. K. I guess he's a popular mental health streamer on Twitch and a psychiatrist who works at Harvard. + +I don't really play video games anymore, but I do think I have an internet addiction. Back in the day I definitely used video games as a crutch and it prevented me from being outside and meeting people, so I do relate to those who have gaming addiction + avoidance. A lot of the points he was making in his videos resonated with me. He talked about how a lot of gamers are actually fairly smart. Now part of this felt like he was blowing smoke up his audience's ass, but on the other hand, I can see a lot of introverted, smart, but shy types gravitating towards games. A lot of the people I knew growing up who gamed were pretty smart people, even the ""lazy"" ones who never amounted to anything in life. + +Now, the part that I wanted to go over was the avoidance aspect of life. He mentioned how a lot of these gaming addicts are told they are smart and find school to be fairly easy early in their life, so they don't really struggle early in life, but later as they get older they lack the necessary abilities to succeed. Their self-conscious nature makes them wilt under the pressure of being judged. Anything that makes them appear as not intelligent immediately triggers avoidance. What a lot of these people don't understand is that they need to gain experience, not intelligence in order to succeed. + +I looked up Dr. K's history and it seems like he was struggling college student with a video game addiction and dropped out of school briefly to join some monastery in India. He came back and succeeded and went to medical school and became a psychiatrist. So I guess he's proof that fighting avoidance works. + +But what do people who have wasted so much of their life and are already 30 able to do? He had the luxury of taking a dramatic step when he was 20 and able to come back and succeed. Not to mention that he is obviously capable of putting himself out there. Again, this could be due to ""experience"" and desensitizing himself, but how many of us would even be able to have the courage to pack our bags and go to a monetary. For someone like me, my mind is a confusing mess that a step like that would be met with a million different excuses to avoid doing that. + +I find that a lot of ""success"" stories ignore that the people who were struggling were not as extreme as a lot of people like myself.",Personality disorder +51583,"Do you feel that you fit in here? Or on Reddit in general? I've been mostly lurking around here for many months now, and I'm constantly seeing posts that make me feel like I don't belong, or I'm an odd one out. Like other people think and communicate in a certain way that's different from my own, or have an understanding of what AvPD means that clashes with my own, or they have (fairly ordinary) life experiences or achievements that seem impossible for me. + +I don't know how much of it is due to the condition itself (if AvPD is even the right label for my specific brand of brokenness), and how much of it is due to objective differences related to the fairly unusual path I've taken through life. + +Also, Reddit is regarded to have a kind of 'hive mind', where posters tend to express similar views in similar ways to the point where it's difficult to distinguish individuals. I see myself as an outsider looking at that from a distance, but do any of you see yourself as being a part of that? + +If you don't feel you fit in, why is that, specifically? What details about you clash with what you perceive as the Reddit or r/AvPD culture(s)? + +And if you DO feel you fit in, especially on Reddit in general, how does that relate to your AvPD? Is it easier to wear a metaphorical mask as a part of a collective, something like that? (That mask-wearing is something I see mentioned a lot here which makes me feel like I don't fit in, as I don't do it.) + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10kvhz6)",Personality disorder +51768,,Personality disorder +50781,"Any hobbies? If you're comfortable sharing, does anyone here have any hobbies/activities that they enjoy?",Personality disorder +50992,"Out of random curiosity, are you left handed or right handed? There’s some research about handedness and mental health. Probably silly and not a thing but curious about it with AVPD + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11huo0t)",Personality disorder +50655,,Personality disorder +51594,"What attachment styles do you have? I was wondering what attachment style usually is related to avpd. I feel like I have fearful-avoidant since I'm for the most part really avoidant towards pretty much everyone but if I get close to someone, (I finally found some I can really trust and like very dearly) I'm very anxious for the most part and needy. There's times where I feel negatively towards them, mostly when I was too open but that happened mostly in the beginning. Now if it happens I know it's due to fear of something and it goes away rather quickly.",Personality disorder +51193,"Feel like I'm too far gone I'll try to keep this brief as I tend to ramble on about how much I pity myself. I just feel like no matter how much work I put in it will never be enough. I have been getting out of my comfort zone lately and putting myself into more social situations but the more I do it the more disillusioned I become. I think that even if the fear and anxiety I feel with socializing was removed, I'd still only ever be able to interact on a superficial level. It's like a fundamental part of me is missing. It feels like the best I can ever hope for is to function in society at a basic level. + +Sorry to be a melodramatic downer. I'm just feeling really low today and wanted to put my thoughts out there. Maybe someone can relate. Thanks for listening.",Personality disorder +51255,Did anyone else see this? I imagine it makes you feel the same way as me. https://www.reddit.com/r/RandomThoughts/comments/1133p8v/how_do_you_deal_with_your_friends_who_avoid_you/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button,Personality disorder +50962,"I don't make decisions or have preferences? I don't know if this is AvPD, but It's like I can't make decisions for myself based on what I want, or even if someone needs me to do something I constantly ask for reassurance I'm doing it correctly. If I don't feel totally confident, I'll just sit there and wait till I can ask. + +I unironically use dice rolling and stuff to make decisions for me, so I can kind of appear neutral always, almost like a scapegoat? So if people don't like It I can just say I didn't really make the choice. + +I just feel so terrified of making the wrong choice all the time. Sorry if wrong place, or if i put it badly, but this has really affected me as far back as I can remember.",Personality disorder +51239,"I’m really sick of how superficial people have become. i mean people have always been superficial but i feel like tiktok has made this problem much worse. ive had my hair cut short for 12 years now and in those 12 years ive been treated like shit, gradually getting worse since the pandemic. i used to be so happy with myself and short hair as a women but i now feel like people are stripping me of that. i constantly get irritating comments like “when are you going to grow it out? you should grow it out”, “i miss your long hair”, “i bet your hair is beautiful long!”, “are you in army?” (this one particularly bothers me because thats not the sort of way i want to present myself. i am very anti military, anti-war and to be seen as a supporter of that just irks me), “poor you must have cancer im sorry get well soon”, “are you making a statement”, “grow out your hair youll look better”, “you look like a dyke”, “your hair makes you look antisocial”… and probably more im forgetting. another thing is that ive been rejected by men before from just my hair. it hurts so fucking much it makes me never want to show my face in public again. im already so ashamed of how i look. i feel like im disgusting and stupid looking. im sick of hearing comments and being treated like this so i decided to just give in and let it grow out. i give up",Personality disorder +51737,"I don't know if I truly deserve to get better. I don't feel like putting in the work anymore. + +I know some of you will say ""no one will save you, you have to save yourself"". + +But that's just not true. I have saved three people I called friends before from terrible, terrible things. + +But I don't know if anyone will want to save me. + +I don't have any energy within myself to give out anymore. + +I don't have any resources, material or otherwise, to give anymore. + +In short... I don't think I'm profitable enough to be helped anymore. + +I'd lose you more money than I'd make you.",Personality disorder +51064,"Narcissistic mom uses family pet as a weapon I don't live with my her anymore so she has less power but she likes to use my bond with the family dog as a weapon. My vulnerable narcisstic brother (over 30yo) ''pretends'' not to like the dog, he doesn't actually hurt the dog but he pretends not to like it and the dog can sense it and feels confused. He moves between this and making a joke about it in front of others to cover himself that it is just purely an act. For example, i know he will have some pictures taken with the dog showing that he likes the dog so if anything were to happen he would play victim. (yet he will keep them hidden) + +My nmon knows my brother does this out of insecurity towards me and she plays to it, when I speak to her on the phone she will bring my, brother, into the conversation even when I was not talking about him she pretends to mishear that id asked him a question just so he can say something like''' im just busy punching the dog' then my nmom gleefully says back to me he says he's says he is punching the dog, and she does this to make sure I say something back so they get the reaction their looking for even though she knows I can hear perfectly well what he said. I dont take the bait but says something to move the conversation along like'' sounds pretty lame''. + +They do this routine all the time in different ways and my nbrother has even started a new one where he jokes about getting ready for his fight with me and my nmon plays to this aswell, encouraging the imaginary conflict and trying to bait me into saying something back that escalates the situation. Of course again if anything were too happen I would be blamed regardless of the outcome cause it's all just a joke after all. Making vague threats of violence and beng low-key mean to the dog. + +My nmon has done this in the past with her ex bf she would vaguely threaten me with him and she would encourage them to ''step up'' and argue with me when they didn't really want too. That led to a fight one time with her bf confronted my youngest brother and cornered him in the bathroom He came out crying and said he got punched which led me to react and a fight. (my bro lied, he was just scared). I ended up getting arrested and blamed for the whole situation, the bf holds deep grudge against me because the trauma so I have to avoid certain family gatherings where he is there. Even though my nmom orchestrates the whole thing. + +Just wanted someone to share this with as its quite depressing",Personality disorder +50825,,Personality disorder +51071,"is it avpd? for basically my whole life i have been scared to get close to anyone. getting close to people and trusting them with personal things about me terrifies me but i want to experience it so badly. i feel as if i come across basically like a cold bitch to most people because i struggle to give out compliments, or say i love you to anyone (especially family). it just feels embarrassing in a way. + +another thing is that i hate it when someone likes me too much because i know that i can't give them back what they expect from me and it makes me feel so guilty. i had a very average childhood with my parents divorce when i was 5 being the only significant thing i can think of. my dad and his new wife bring up to me all the time that i'm distant and cold and that i need to make more of an effort and i'm trying my best to but even just simple things like calling his wife by her name takes so much energy out of me to the point of wanting to breakdown as it's so overwhelming. + +i just like don't trust myself or my judgement at all and can never tell what level a relationship i have with someone is at + +and idk where any of this came from as i don't remember being any different😭 + +is this avpd or something else?",Personality disorder +51735,Everything has an End I often fantasize comitting suicide.. its bad but I feel this is only way out. All my life since I was a little I've been incredibly distressed and downtrodden and broken inside. Been longing for a break from all the misery but it has never occurred. The only thing that's keeping me a little hopeful is telling myself that everything has an End. What I experience has an end whether My life will improve or simply just Die. Either way I welcome it.,Personality disorder +51491,"School years Hello, I’m a teenager that needs to go to school. +My “scholar first day” of the year is close! +Got no friends. +It’s the school I studied at my whole life. I was too afraid to move to a different one. +It’s my last year of school. +First year alone, my friend had to go… +Everyone, smh, knows me as the weird, quiet, nerd, lonely, (and more, like asocial) kid. +It’s been a year since I got diagnosed with that thing. +I made so much sense, I thought I could finally move on and magically turn very social and all…… wrong. +I didn’t what to be by my self, I feel so awkward. +But I am scared of people, omg! +Any advice? I feel like I have nothing else to do, but to say no word all day, blame myself, isolate much more… +I like to study. I hate school. I can’t socialize no matter what (at least say “good morning”)",Personality disorder +51712,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +51639,"Rant sorry. My heart just hurts. I feel very alone, which I have a lot of my life subconsciously so it’s not usually an issue but the last 4/5 months especially have been intensely lonely. + +I go the gym, try to eat good, meditate etc. Some things help temporarily but most of the time I’m in my own head. It’s weird, I get along with most people I come into contact with but also actively avoid a further friendship from any of them. + +The only pressure I feel to have friends is because it’s viewed as odd for a female to have no friends. - my family members all have friends or people they hang out with…..Me I isolate with my dog in my room 24/7, I even play games alone now couldn’t handle having gaming friends anymore. - the only person I talk to is my cousin. I want to escape everything I feel but I’m trapped.",Personality disorder +51257,"Do you ask people questions but they don't ask you anything? When I meet someone new, it seems like I'm always the person being curious and asking them questions. It just dawned on me they rarely ever ask me anything besides my name, if that. It's honestly tiresome.",Personality disorder +51659,"I am hurting Lately I just feel like garbage. I havent left the house much in like 2 weeks, and I've been missing class. It all feels too overwhelming for me, but being at home makes me feel like trash too...I cant win. I cant sleep right either. I wake up every other hour and im so tired.... + +I feel so angry and anxious lately too because I feel as if everyone hates me and that they're happier without me. My friends hardly talk to me lately. I see them on social media chatting and making plans to call/play games and im never included lately. Im not surprised though. Who'd want to be friends with someone as depressed and broken as me? + +I want to crawl in a hole and disappear :(",Personality disorder +51536,"I swear it is gonna kill me really dont know what to think anymore. My life is basically that of an hikikomori, with no job or future. Its an infinite cycle of me craving social interactions and me searching ways to push away from me those that try to bond",Personality disorder +51114,"I should be the one dead instead +Life is truly a joke 27 M meet here my life ended 4 years ago after i graduated , i turned to a neet and became a burden for my parents and Family .all i want is to DIIIIE . An old friend i knew before had his life together, went abroad abroad after graduatiion, studied and got a high paying job, after that an accident and boom he is dead. I feel i should be in his place , i am sure his family won't mind that.",Personality disorder +50697,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 1) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z14d3)",Personality disorder +51291,,Personality disorder +51077,"When people are so surprised to learn something about you because you're so quiet I think we all know that feeling. When you reveal something about yourself and people are so surprised that you're also human. + +It makes me sad because it reminds me that people see me as this unapproachable & uncool person when I have my own personality. It makes me feel disingenuous and makes me even more self conscious about how I come off.",Personality disorder +51381,"AvPD in the Military? Hi, has anyone with this disorder done military service before? I feel like the best times for my mental state and relationships with others have been when I've been forced to do things together and have a very regimented schedule, and I don't think my current occupation is tenable for much longer. I have a graduate degree in engineering - so I was thinking perhaps trying to become an officer, although I'm not so confident in my leadership ability. Perhaps for a support role, such as intelligence or a pilot, or some other more specialized service? I guess as a bonus I've done a lot of mil-sim activities and hobbies throughout my life so far, and I don't really have any relationships or people (except my distant parents) to tie me down to a specific location. + +I'm not taking any medication, and although I've brought up this disorder to my psychiatrist I haven't received an official diagnosis one way or the other as it's not their policy to ""label"" patients.",Personality disorder +51576,"Low EQ Parents I always knew that my dad was low EQ. + +But, my biggest epiphany was realizing that even my mom is low EQ. + +You always think that because women tend to express their emotions so readily, that they're high in EQ. + +BUT, beware, THAT IS NOT THE CASE. + +Emotional Expressiveness IS NOT THE SAME AS Emotional Intelligence!",Personality disorder +50969,"Apathy is a defense mechanism For those who feel they may not have AVPD because they feel apathetic towards socializing, it's possible that apathy is not the starting point, but what someone comes to. It's not just a reaction, it's a protection.",Personality disorder +51030,"I was triggered while talking to an old school friend and crashed the interaction This happened 9 month ago. + +I (M,50) was being approached by a woman that was in the same class in school with me some 30+ years ago. + +I was just loading groceries into my car when she drove past behind me and said loudly: ""oh hey, that's a familiar face... :-)"". + +I turned around and was pleasantly surprised to see her... we started to talk, she said she has seen me in this supermarket before. + +We exchanged some small talk... what do you do, where do you live, do you still have contact with the people of the past... this kind of stuff. + +I already was kind of nervous, because of the small talk situation, but when the topic of the other people from the past came up, i began to panic. + +The thing is, that i was being bullied for the 5 years that I was in this class. Not from her, she was always nice. + +But the time in this class left it's marks and I didn't want to have anything to do with the people from these circles after I was done there. + +So at the end of our talk she asked if we should exchange numbers... and i froze. + +There were just so many thoughts in my head, but i couldn't say any of them because none of these were appropriate for a casual conversation after 30 years. + +A small part of me was flattered that she remembered me and cared to approach me. + +But all the other parts of my brain were actively persuading me why this was not a good idea: + +""when i exchange numbers i will have to be prepared for her to call/text anytime, i don't like this."" + +""i clearly still have a problem with the ""old times"" and the people from the past."" + +""when i call/text with her then i will have to explain this sooner or later or just lie and pretend that these things did not affect me."" + +""this is not the kind of topic that i can casually bring up after 30 years, so i can't explain this, and don't think that i can lie, either..."" + +""besides, if i exchange numbers then i will have to, well, talk... text... ask questions... like a normal person, and since i live very isolated, i kind of forgot how to do this."" + +""and what do i do if she wants to get a coffee... or meet others..."" + +""it's better to just end this here now and not exchange numbers."" + +""but i can't say that i don't want to exchange numbers, who does something like this? i would have to explain this."" + +I was spiraling... + +I'm not sure how long i stood there saying nothing. I guess she could tell from my face that there was a problem. + +Then she said: ""you don't have to say anything"". + +I think I mumbled something like ""okay"", and ""it was really nice meeting you"" and we parted. + +I should have just exchanged the number and go from there. + +I really would have liked to be able to do this, but i couldn't. + +I regret this now, and i am constantly thinking if i should contact her (I know her address but of course not her phone number, so i would have to write a letter i guess) and try to explain things. + +At least tell her that it \*really\* was nice seeing her and that my reaction (or lack thereof), was not because of her, but had other personal reasons. + +But of course, everything is much more awkward now than if i would just have exchanged the number...",Personality disorder +51178,"I feel like my mind is going to explode I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending loophole. I don’t know what i am anymore. I think about my personality a lot why am i like this? At times i feel like this strong confident person and at others i feel the complete opposite. I remember i used to feel some type of connection with people, now i don’t anymore no matter how “close” they can be. I’m never fully comfortable, with simplest shit i never give out a true answer, maybe i don’t know the actual answer myself? I’m talking the simplest dumbest situations where I’m asked to express myself about a certain thing. I often deny that i have any problems with my personality and that i am completely fine and this is all a delusion in my head and sometimes i feel like this completely mentally broken person with avpd sa depression did etc! This can happen multiple times a day, it’s exhausting to keep shifting through these completely different mentalities this often. I feel like I’m losing my mind like who the fuck am i anymore???",Personality disorder +50986,Alcohol Is anyone else just a total fucking mess when they get drunk. Like it starts out fine and fun and the more you drink you just turn into a loud mean annoying over confident horrible person?,Personality disorder +51092,"I’m very cold towards women I have crushed on/find attractive. My guess is, I don’t think I have a chance, so it’d be better if they didn’t know I liked them, so I’m going to act so dismissive towards them that they could not possibly have any clue how I really felt. + +Anyone else relate? Any advice?",Personality disorder +51697,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 1) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z14d3)",Personality disorder +50804,"Conversational and social skills… what are they I think I’ve never given myself a chance to develop them because of AvPD. I could’ve had a fuller social life in school but I was so in my shell, I just had a few close friends. And even with them, I felt I could’ve been better. It seemed like they all clicked with each other very well and even though we were all good friends, sometimes there was something missing in my connection with people. I know they say skills are to be learned but it really really REALLY seems like it’s just inborn for other people. So I just do everything I can to avoid one on one conversations so nobody has the chance to think I’m weird and don’t know how to talk or something.",Personality disorder +50691,"Am I doomed? I recently got diagnosed with AVPD and I feel completely hopeless. This is me, and I will stay like this my whole life. Am I going to have girlfriends? Am I going to get my dream job? Have a fun life? Travel around the world? Apparently not. Apparently I'm just a guy who will stay in his room for the rest of his life and be perpetually awkward at social gatherings. +I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 60",Personality disorder +51210,"Anyone run the other way from their friends? I have always struggled making friends, developing deeper relationships, and feeling safe in friendships. Once a friendship starts to develop into something deeper, I run the other way. I think I’m so scared of being rejected that I reject myself before it can happen to me or catch me off guard. I think I’m also paranoid that people are just being polite and no one actually likes me, especially if I pick up on any tiny “clues” that this might be the case. Clues look like friends not texting in a while, friends not inviting me to something, hanging out with other friends without me, or just some way that I interpret their communication or tone. + +Does anyone experience this and how do you keep from running the other way when you can’t interpret if you’re truly wanted as a friend or if you need to back off? Do I just need to take a leap of faith?",Personality disorder +51579,,Personality disorder +51404,"Progression and regression Hey guys, gals, and enby pals. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted here. That was on my old account though. My name is Ciara. I’m a 25 year old trans girl and I have avpd.(obviously lol) Since I use to post I’ve made some decent progress. I managed to get a job in I shit you not retail. I actually managed to hold it down for a couple months even lol. Heck, in a few instances I even was kind of good at it. But eventually I cracked and quit. I could only get ignored or misgendered so many times. Now I’m back at square one. I know I can push myself, but my endurance seems so fickle. Although I do have some confidence. I know I’m not inferior. Took me a long time get there, but I know I’m gonna have to put myself back out into the world soon. I can’t be a neet again. Idk where I’m going with this I just kind of felt like venting a bit.",Personality disorder +51748,"Anyone here feel like they have to be explicitly told what the social dynamics are? I feel like I've had to manually learn this from YouTube, Psychology books, Sociology books, etc. rather than just innately know it.",Personality disorder +51608,"DAE have extreme anxiety in professional/performance settings? I have a huge problem with anxiety at work and have very big problems with avoidance. My emotional difficulties have gotten to the point many times where I have made absolutely awful mistakes at work and have been too panicked/incapacitated/cowardly to take responsibility for myself. + +It’s become a negative cycle spanning years and I never seem to get better. It’s decimated my self esteem and riddled my life with stress and anxiety, and of course imposter syndrome in every professional situation with any decent level of responsibility. + +Under pressure I don’t push through and rise to the challenge, I completely choke and “take my hands off the wheel” in panic-avoidance, causing “car crash” situations and so much stress to those who manage me. If I wasn’t working with family I would be fired and destitute as I feel I can’t be trusted with anything. + +Everyone in my circle is very smart and high functioning, and can take responsibility for themselves and be relied upon to get their jobs done. I’m 30 and I can’t take myself seriously as an adult. + +I suppose what I want to ask, is if any of this resonates with you guys? I’m just lost as to what is wrong with me to be so ineffectual and I feel so much shame. + +Apologies for the rant.",Personality disorder +51808,"I love the idea of a romantic relationship, but I can’t put the work in. I (28M) feel like any kind of dating/relationships is just work - work, work, work, work, work. I like the idea of having a connection in my life, but I don’t think I’m willing to do what it takes. + +I think bc I’m so low-maintenance, I attract a lot of very clingy needy people which made me hate the idea of dating because they’d never leave me alone. And not just the process of dating itself (which sucks for most people); but just being in a relationship, requires too much work and expectations. Maybe I’m just lazy, but how do you have the motivation to keep going with dating when it’s just annoyance?",Personality disorder +51378,"Going at your own pace I believe some days ago there was a post about being tired of importance of communication skills in life. Now, there's kinda similar issue but with the pace that everything's is going with. Just my personal experience, I am not speaking for everyone. So, last year I quit college cus I couldn't bear stress and deadlines. I was pretty slow to understand and do things that was required, professors (or whatever they're called, sry not sure) were pressuring us a lot with all that and so on. I have a job as a stocker now but in about month or so I have to think about other options for studying (colleges/universities, just some other field), and that honestly makes my stomach twist. It's not about what I want, it's about how it'll all go. I'd love to spend my time studying art but I am so afraid of the process. When I think about it, I can imagine only flaws and mistakes I'd make. There would be so much things to learn and practice but so little time to do all that. And now to the title. I hate that everything must be spinning crazy like that. If you want to study, you must be catching up quickly, otherwise it's immediately your one big ass problem and no one is willing to help you with that. It'd so damn cool if there was any way to get education on your own pace, so you have enough time for everything. I know it's only in my dreams but I can't stop thinking about it. I am so slow because my brain is so fried after all these years fighting this plague. I don't know, maybe it's just me and I am that broken but it's really so sad that I can't normally go towards my dreams. And those fears aren't even irrational, same shit happened year ago and I know myself so damn well it couldn't be any way around. Sorry for such long bullshit vent, I had to get it off my chest",Personality disorder +51475,"everytime I think a potential relationship is on the cusp of improving, I end up being wrong and then I go back to being alone",Personality disorder +51063,"What is AvPD like? I had social anxiety or still have some of it. I also was diagnosed with AvPD by one therapist but I am not sure if that one fits. +I tick a few boxes and every personality style test says I am anxious avoidant but I don't really know what that would mean. + +So what it something that makes someone AvPD in your experience?",Personality disorder +50797,"What are you guys good at? Sometimes I forget I'm good at things, it helps me to remember what ones since there's so much I feel like I'm *not* good at. I'm more than what I'm not naturally good at. + +I'm: + +* Very naturally flexible so yoga is easy for me. +* Extremely resourceful, I feel like I can make anything out of anything. +* Great at literary analysis. +* A good cook. +* I don't easily give up when something is difficult. +* Good at understanding & applying new concepts easily. +* Good at drawing & art. +* Good at trying new things if they're not too overwhelming. +* Empathetic and nonjudgmental (despite what my face and energy are giving off lol) +* Good taste, in books, fashion, films, etc. +* Good at gift-giving + +What about you all? ✌️",Personality disorder +51805,"Just a quick moment of levity Hey guys what are your 3 favorite/special films and 1 tv show you adore:) + +Mine are: +1.Cherry +2.Drive +3.Wind River +...Mandy is also one of favs, especially the first half of the film. + +And I'm a huge Stranger Things fan, that's my favourite tv show",Personality disorder +51180,"How the hell am I supposed to deal with the ADHD + AvPD combo? I am formally diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder tendencies. My therapist and general practitioner both believe that it's caused by/comorbid with inattentive ADHD, but there is no formal diagnosis for that yet. I am taking adderall 15mg XR for it though, and it is the only thing that has ever helped me. + +How the hell do I deal wit this hellish combination? I've deconstructed and deconstructed, but the only point I can reach is that I understand why and when things are happening, and that they're irrational, but I can't change it. + +I have a handful of fixations/hobbies/potential professions that I jump between, and I never know if I can trust myself to know what I want. I feel like I'm at an urgent crossroads in deciding what to do with my life, and I'm unable to stick to one idea. Is it ADHD distracting me with a new shiny thing? Is it AvPD ghosting my previous interest due to perceived failure/invalidation? Is it both working in tandem? I envy people who can dedicate hours a day to a single thing for upwards of a year. Video game speedrunners come to mind specifically. That's not something I am interested in, but I am beyond jealous of the ability to sit and do one single thing for ludicrous amounts of time, and perfect it. + +Anyone else experience this sick little combo?",Personality disorder +51844,"I don't know what to do anymore I'm so tired. I'm so bored. i don't do anything. I am not capable of doing anything. Everytime I try, i fail. I mess up. I cannot do anything. I cannot do anything right. I want to disappear. I cannot stand this.",Personality disorder +51237,"Speaking my mind when talking to my therapist I have no problem with being open and honest with my therapist. But no matter what I say, I never feel like anything I ever say is true. I can talk about how sad I feel or what it feels like to have a conversation, but somehow my brain always wants me to think that I’m making stuff up or something. I have so many conversations in my head where I feel like I’m able to express myself fully. But once I’m talking to my therapist, or anyone else for that matter, it’s all just nonsense. It just makes me feel so god damn lonely and stupid. + +So I told my therapist about this, and she suggested I make a recording or write whatever I want to say down, so that I can express myself more fully. + +Anyone else have the same problem?",Personality disorder +51220,,Personality disorder +51596,"I feel the need to take revenge because I was isolated I don’t care if this sounds edgy I’m going to mention it anyways. I’ve been bullied out of school as the same with online. I’ve began to develop a hatred for anyone that’s not like me. I had a vent account and the amount of people who just didn’t understand how severe my isolation was insane. I had so many people telling me “you just want to be edgy” and I even got called “incel” on numerous occasions for saying women and relationships make me feel uncomfortable. It felt like everytime I reached out to others on the internet (what I thought could be a safe space lmao) there was always someone who had to pick me apart, and find everything wrong with me. After awhile I gave up trying to reach out and now on other social media accounts I say things just to piss people off. Even if I don’t agree with the things I say online half the time, I just need to get that rage from some people. I don’t know how this fixes anything for myself, if anything you’d think people telling me to end my life for fake opinions would get me to stop. I’ve come to hate almost everyone. As long as I know people were mad enough to send me death threats, I feel like i’ve given them some sort of revenge. I can’t do anything about what happened to me in my personal life and I hate it. I think feeling lonely for so long has made me feel anger toward those who didn’t accept me. Have any of you also gone through this or do I seriously need therapy?",Personality disorder +50862,,Personality disorder +51510,"Job So I got a job and I’m super anxious and can’t stop crying. I start on Tuesday or Wednesday, and I'm already nervous for that day to come. I feel a huge fear, can't quite point out what the fear is but something of it is probably the social interaction. I wish something terrible happens to me so I can avoid the first day of work. + +What should i do? I really want to ghost the man(boss), and just wanna stay Home. But my family really wants me to get a job",Personality disorder +51094,"Is this gaslightning? Or something else? Is gaslightning if someone is trying to make you believe that you are unworthy, stupid, idiot, imbecile and that you will never achieve anything in life or is this just some other manipulation? + +I was getting this from my sister my whole life. She was older than me and even though when she as saying these things to me I always tried to “fight” back and say something similar to her it didn’t really work. She was older and more mature than me, so hearing it from her kind of made me believe that I really unworthy human who don’t deserve or achieve anything in life. She was calling me names since I was a small child, I don’t even remember times when she wasn’t calling me this. + +I don’t think that anyone would be able to gaslight me easily, but hearing it from older sister who I loved was painful for me. I don’t even know if I believed these things, it just made me feel bad that my sister hates me for no reason, or for idk what reason. And that made me think that if my own sister hates me than every hates me probably, which leads to low self-esteem I guess. + +She had control over me, when we still lived under the same roof. Anything she said I did for her, like some servant. + +Only years after leaving, I realized what was she doing to me wasn’t right. + +Is this gaslightning, or is it something else?",Personality disorder +50785,"does anyone else hide their phone from everyone or turn off the television when someone else walks into the room? Not because they are doing something suspicious but because they don't want their preferences or choices to be seen? + +I have the option to watch YouTube on a smart TV, but instead I watch it on a tiny little phone screen with earphones when I'm in company because I don't want anyone to see my web or streaming history, even if it's something as innocuous as looking up a recipe or reading an online news article. I just feel so much fear of someone looking at my internet history although it's generally harmless and boring crap. + +I remember being 10 years old and my brother being angry at me because I would turn off the TV and act all shifty when he walked into the room. + +When I was a child I would hide my drawings from my parents and classmates because I would be so embarrassed. That was my first sign of AVPD. + +I was eventually diagnosed at 21 and again by another psychologist at 27.",Personality disorder +51034,"Music's my only remedy I know it's not good for my ears but most of the time I'm always on my earphones. At this point, I really don't think I can go a day without them. Music is the only thing that makes me feel alive on this lonely journey of mine. It offers me a chance to zone out and escape my reality. Bottom line is that it really makes me feel better. + +Can you guys link me your favourite song, I would really appreciate it. This is one of my personal favorites right here - [Empire Of The Sun - There's No Need](https://youtu.be/eehJ9k5aKpI)",Personality disorder +50828,"Quality over quantity - Friendships I know people with AvPD struggle to maintain friendships and I do too. + +For me, I think it's the daily (or at least frequent) messaging to stay in touch that I struggle with. I will get tired and ignore messages just because I don't have the capacity to engage with a subject that I frankly probably don't care much about or I'm just worn out by the constant interaction. The messaging for the sake of messaging gets to me. + +if it's a friend that lived far away then I'd rather not speak for 6 months and then just meet up and have a good time before reverting back to usual which for me is far less exhausting and fortunately I do have a couple that are like that. + +Anyone relate?",Personality disorder +51187,"Thought I'm getting better I'm single approaching 30s, have a stable job, and stable family. Getting more skilled at my job recently really helped boost my confidence, and I'm used to being a non-voluntary lone ranger. I thought nothing could hurt me anymore. + +Yet today something simple triggered me. Someone I joined the company with got married, yet I was not invited (but few others were). This is not the first time this has happened. I can count on one hand how many times someone invited me and not as a second thought. Also the embarrassment when I only learned someone's wedding is coming when having a random group lunch, and learning I was not invited yet trying to sidestep other's question if I'm coming. I always think they have a separate group chat with majority of them, and always wondering why I'm not included. Maybe I'm too boring and not pretty/fashionable like them. + +I've long come to terms with the fact that people are just not interested in me since I was a teenager. Always not being invited, being left out of information, or plain rejected to my face. I never have a romantic relationship, and no guys ever show interest in me. All the vague 'friends' term I use whenever I talk to my mother to hide the fact that her daughter was all alone ever since she entered university. + +It just hurts so bad and reminds me so much of my teenage years. One day, I wish I'll have a partner who always puts me first in his thoughts. Thanks for reading my rant.",Personality disorder +51357,Imaginary Friends? Does anybody else create fantasy scenarios in their head in which you’re socially active/well-liked? I have daydreams near-constantly about doing stuff with friends that don’t exist. One of my weird coping mechanisms.,Personality disorder +50924,"Opening up to my partner? I get sad frequently (big surprise) and there's some shit going on in my life and it feels like I want to talk to someone but it's really hard to open up. I want to tell my partner about how I'm feeling because they should be a support, but Everytime I'm like ""what's the point"". I think sometimes I think too logically about situations and I'm like ""what are they gonna do? At best they can say is sorry you feel that way"" and to be honest things like that aren't really meaningful to me. + +Does anyone else struggle opening up to friends/partner? I mean obviously we all have avpd so yes, but do you guys have strategies?",Personality disorder +51061,harmless situations cause embarrassment and shame i dont understand why such minor situations cause me so much embarrassment and shame. i just asked to sign up for something and i was told i cant until tomorrow and now im hating myself and wishing id never leave my house or socialize. thats something that would mean nothing to other people and yet it makes me feel nauseous. i really hope these symptoms can get better because i dont know how i could live the rest of my life this way. im tired of feeling constant shame and embarrassment when im in public and within social situations that leave me feeling suicidal when its never a big deal to anyone else. i hate how sensitive i am especially to silly things. does anyone else feel this way?,Personality disorder +51670,"Alameda by Elliott Smith and AvPD I’m not saying Elliott had AvPD, but as an AvPD-sufferer I feel like the lyrics in this songs fits to a lot of what’s going on in my life. I’m constantly guarding myself against other people’s love («your protection over their affection»), and basically alienating myself from them («Nobody broke your heart. You broke your own, cause you can’t finish what you start»).",Personality disorder +50777,"Nobody in my life has ever truly known me. I put up so many masks around everybody. I show some parts of myself to some people, and other parts to other people. And some parts I never show anybody and probably never will. Nobody in my life has ever truly known me, they only know the person I’ve shown them. It’s exhausting, but it’s basically second nature at this point and I literally don’t know how to be anything else. I find myself telling so many little lies even about the most mundane things about myself and I don’t even mean to do it on purpose. My opinions are always what I think the other person wants to hear. Every word I say and everything I show on the surface is always a watered down version of what I truly want to say and feel. Even when I’m just in the car with someone I only play music I think they would like or what I want them to think I listen to. Most of the time I don’t even know what parts of myself are true or not. I’m like a puzzle made up of completely different pieces that don’t fit together. It’s all just so fucked. I don’t know how to fix this. I wish there was someone who could see through all these masks and help bring out who I actually am, but I don’t even know if that’s possible at this point.",Personality disorder +50792,"How do you get through the process of getting a job? I’m planning on doing a certain diploma you need to do at least six months of internship for. I should’ve started applying for those weeks ago but I’ve been avoiding it because I feel like I’d either end up not getting the internship or trick them into thinking I’ll be a valuable addition to their institution — which I don’t think I would be. So essentially, I’ve been doing self sabotage. + +Now, the problem is that I’ve had quite a lot of absences at school, the teachers all know about some of my mental illnesses and have suffered because of it. + +I’ll need references for the application process, I don’t have anyone else to do that other than my teachers but I feel that asking anyone to do it would be putting them in a really hard position because they don’t want to lie to an institution about me being a valuable addition when they (think they) know I’ll only mess things up. + +Honestly, I just feel like even if I end up getting an internship somehow (would be a miracle in the first place) I’d somehow find a way to burn out and mess up once again. + +If I don’t go for this diploma I’ll essentially have wasted four years of my life and I don’t think my chronically depressed self could recover from that. + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +51533,"Do you have an Inner monologue? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10n9t63)",Personality disorder +50705,"Once people get to know me they tend to love me... They only problem is they never get to know me, because the only possible way they will is if I am forced to be in a situation with repeated exposure to them, in which case I become familiar and slowly open up over the span of a week or two. It's downright disturbing how many times this has happened in my life, and it's depressing to think that those opportunities are few and far between now that I'm out of the primary environment they occur (school). I was so desperate at one point that, despite having everything people normally strive for (great career, money, success, etc.), I thought about joining the army just to meet people... Holy shit what is wrong with me.",Personality disorder +51386,"Struggling to find a career Hey y’all. I’m currently in 3rd year university in science and although I find things interesting sometimes most of the time it just feels like killing time. I’m still working on completing my first year compulsory courses( as I’ve taken a gap in between 1st year and now completing optional courses I thought were interesting.) Honestly I feel like giving up at this point because I hate calculus and stupid pre-requisites that have nothing to do with the degree (environmental science). They also make you take a billion “optional” courses(out of a small restricted list) in order to graduate. I feel like I’ll never find a career option that I’ll be satisfied with. The days feel so long, i have no motivation or drive. I daydream most of the time and have a hard time focusing. I want to exist without being expected to give.. but that’s nearly impossible without just being homeless. What do you have a career in and what has been your experience like working?",Personality disorder +51278,"scared of my ability to hurt people/ make them hate me I manage to mess up over and over, always making people not like me very much. At least that's how it feels. I'm a very flawed person tbh, and not sure if I would have been this way if it wasn't for trauma/ mental illness but who knows. It just scares me that every time I open my mouth I risk saying something wrong and being hated. + +I don't know how to be 'correct', or say the right things and be liked. I'm just wrong, and have bad takes and am just stupid and don't know what I'm talking about and I should just shut up.",Personality disorder +51431,"How I respond to short, to the point questions. I think that living inside your own head for too long makes the mind over-work itself. + +https://preview.redd.it/ocw56p9co3ga1.jpg?width=541&format=pjpg&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=010d071045a4ff5fd97d35d355850b3f45cca43a",Personality disorder +50929,"Is this really it Have you ever looked up and realized that months have passed without you even noticing. And everything is moving around you, time, people, events, but you’re just standing there staring at it. And you realize just how much you’ve lost in this static state. And now it’s just gone and it’s too late and you have to keep going. Time changes nothing and it waits for no one. And leaving all these things up to time and opportunity was just another way to avoid being held accountable for my lack of action. And now I’m here and now I have to deal with it. And that’s all it’ll ever be. I hate that I control my life. I don’t want to. I just want to leave. Or stop. I just want everything to slow down. There’s so much I want to achieve and yet I’m just standing here staring at everyone else. I want these things so badly I don’t understand why I can’t just do them it hurts. So much time has passed that I’m scared this is all I’ll ever be.",Personality disorder +51438,"Do you have people you can trust? It is often said that we avoid people unless we have full confidence on them. I kind of confirm that. I am more comfortable with my brother, my mother, my grandmother, my cousin, longtime friends, etc. Would AvPD then be a problem of trust in the others? What do you think?",Personality disorder +51157,,Personality disorder +50996,"Any older people with AvPD there? How does it evolve with age? I honestly feel despair when thinking about the future because deep down I know it's not going to get better. But I'd like to hear experiences from actually older people (older as 40+ but even 30+ may feel useful) + +Plus, anyone recovered? Is it even truly possible to fully recover?",Personality disorder +50910,"I did it. I told them. It was a mistake This is what my sister told to me: + +“Mom said she wants to wrap her hands around your neck and strangle you or grab you and punch u in the face” + +I have been debating how I could ever tell my family about dropping out of my degree. It has been a horrible shame to carry. Last night, I told them about my struggles. I told them at length how I feel like I don’t deserve anything, even the air I breathe. My last chance to try for understanding from them instead of shame and blame. + +Now… I think I’ve made a horrific mistake",Personality disorder +50836,,Personality disorder +51271,Glad there's a Hallmark holiday to remind me of my perpetual loneliness :) Gotta try and stay away from social media as much as possible today otherwise I'm sure I'll run into something either personal or general to send the depression spiraling. Hope you all have a good day.,Personality disorder +50954,"Anyone feeling the same? I'm in my late 20s , when i see people younger than me enjoying their lives i feel deep sadness inside. I really wished i Could have had what they had , being young , having friends, partners doing activities... I wish I didn't choose to miss out on crucial years of my life listening to my depression and fucked up thinking patterns.",Personality disorder +51612,A person I follow on Instagram misunderstood me and criticised me This hurts so bad. Why is life so painful. I’ve followed them for years.,Personality disorder +51344,"On a scale from 1 to 100, how addicted are you to your phone and/or computer? edit: Wow. So apparently screen addiction is tied in closely. + +85/100. + +I've been addicted to any screen I could get my hands on since I was about five. + +In middle school and until right now... So, for about 12 years, I've felt like it gives me comfort and keeps me flowing. It never really mattered to me how complex or primitive the device was, I was glued to it. + +Now, I'm starting to hate it. I don't want it to feel comfortable anymore.",Personality disorder +50702,"Finally deactivated Facebook. Where I am from, everybody is on Facebook. That anxiety inducing place, where I never feel safe and I feel hated, invisible and dumb. Lately I've been spiralling and posted sad, angsty posts to people who don't care about me. Thankfully, I got only 60 ""friends"". Facebook made me feel more alone. I'm disabled and I don't go outside and I struggle with texting. I just don't get it. I don't have the energy. I kept deleting my posts, feeling more ashamed. I need it for something that's work related and still ongoing. But enough. I don't care if everyone is there, I rather not feel like a burden and vent on Reddit. Having a profile with my name and face while I am utterly depressed? No thanks. It's not like I made any friends there. I really hope that my issues will be resolved and I won't go back and make a fool outta myself because no one cares.",Personality disorder +50894,"Paralyzed with choice I know I should just message, should just talk to them, but I feel paralyzed and afraid, this sucks",Personality disorder +50884,"People have tendency telling me their mental health problems There were few people who I just get to know and they almost instantly were like “I have this mental illness/disorder that I am stalking people I know”, I was thinking like “oh, okay, thanks for telling me”. + +I don’t know why people do that, do I look like some mental health professional or psychiatrist? 🤷‍♂️",Personality disorder